Dealing with Our Demons

by ravenyenn19

Summary:

Inej's first letter back to Kaz after she leaves on her journey to hunt slavers, reunion ensues! Will they continue to learn how to battle their demons in order to get close to one another?

Notes:

Planning to continue! Please let me know what you think. This is my first pic on Ao3 so I'd appreciate any feedback and hearing if you have any ideas! Thank you!

Chapter 1: Dear Kaz

Dear Kaz,

I’m aware you’re not much of a letter writer, but here I am forcing this upon you. Will you deign to respond? Perhaps not. But, alas, I will write anyways if only to pester you in written word in place of sitting beside you. Before you mentally ask “what business?” I shall tell you.

I took down my first ship today, Kaz. I took it down and it felt… good. I freed six girls stolen from Noyvi Zem, and they were younger than I was. They had skin the color of Jesper’s and it broke my heart and also made it soar at the thought they would not be indentured the way I was; they would not have to learn vanish into the recesses of their minds.

Did you know I think I was more of a phantom before you ever gave me the name of “wraith”? Perhaps I’m emboldened by my sudden love of rum (True pirate by all standards now), but I don’t think I ever felt more seen than when I became a shadow beside you in Ketterdam. Surely, you are rolling your eyes. Surely you must know I would have told you this in person, but I was… well I was afraid. Yes, The Wraith was afraid.

Thank you for seeing me in the dark, Kaz. Thank you for my ship. Thank you for my family. Thank you for my freedom. A hundred times over, thank you. Perhaps I’ve thanked you in my head nearly as many times as I’ve thanked the Saints. Don’t let it go to your head.

My parents are safe, home in Ravka, back with the caravans and in the comfort of family. I did not venture with them all the way back to the caravans, I. Never mind. They do send their regards though, somehow they find you endearing. Perhaps it is a family trait to find you endearing, Kaz Brekker. How happy you must be to know that all the Ghafa’s seem to like you. Don’t laugh. Not even mentally.

What business, Kaz? Why do you stay rent free in my mind from an ocean away? Surely you could pass over some kruge if you are to live in my mind. You’re rich enough, I’m sure.

I’ve drank too much and I should most definitely not send this. I guess it will be a surprise if I receive word back from you, if I remember tomorrow whether I dropped this off at post here in port. We shall see.

The crows prefer the crumbs of loaves of bread from the bakery two streets down from the Slat. I paid for three loaves before I left. Don’t you dare let my murder go hungry, they like me too much. I’m teaching them manners, but they will be snarky with you, Dirtyhands.

I’ll be back soon, three months perhaps. Depending on if I send this, I might have to run for a while first until you forget about this letter.

Yours,

Captain Inej Ghafa, Wraith, Spider, Terrible judgement.

 

Inej,

Surprise. You did send that letter. Don’t run. Come home.

K. Brekker

PS- Enclosed is fifty kruge for my imaginary rent. Spend it on rum, and for the love of all things holy, keep drinking, and keep writing.

 

Inej stood at the rail of her ship, watching as the Ketterdam skyline came into view. A nervousness had settled over her since she received Kaz’s letter a month ago. She was busy during the days, and had taken down two more ships and got all the stolen people home to whichever port they requested. A sense of fulfilling happiness settled over her, every time she thought of them, getting home to their families. The wind picked up and curled salty air into the loose waves of her hair, she’d left it unbound. Surely only because the braid was tight and bothering her, not for any other reason. Definitely not in case Kaz Brekker himself showed up on the docks today, he wouldn’t care about her hair being down anyways, she told herself.
Inej jumped down the gangway, a ball of energy that had just been set free, she nearly flew to Jesper and Wylan at the end of the docks, catching them both in bone crushing hugs. She had sent word to them that she would be returning either today or tomorrow, and she was surprised they gaged her arrival so well.

“How did you know when to be here?” Inej asked with a bright smile on her face.

“Kaz has runners on the docks now, he sent word when your ship was on the horizon a few hours ago,” Wylan answered with a flush to his cheeks that told Inej just how happy he was, she also noticed Jesper’s arm slung around his shoulders as he beamed at Wylan.

“Wait, Kaz already knows I’m here?” Inej said hesitantly, trying and failing to hide the smile etching its way further into her cheeks, and the flush threatening to spread as far as her collar bone. She remembered the letter, and she had been so nervous ever since she got his reply. Would he mock her? Would he tell her he felt the same? His response had made it seem like he felt the same, but written word did not make Kaz easy to decipher.

“Kaz knows you’re here,” came a familiar rasp of stone from behind Inej as Jesper and Wylan smiled conspiratorially toward somewhere behind Inej’s shoulder. Inej turned slowly. There he was, maybe twenty paces away, leaning against the railing, bare handed. Cane in one hand alongside him. A small smile threatening to break across his face. Inej didn’t know what to do as every single part of her body urged her to run and jump into his arms and give him the same bone crushing hug she had given her friends moments ago; she had been gone six months. What if things had changed? What would he do if she gave in and did just that? She knew that would be a bad idea for a million reasons. They had held hands, but she didn’t know how he would react to something like a hug, even with clothes between them. Would that be too much?

She didn’t even notice she was bouncing on the balls of her feet, still clad in boots. She was vaguely aware she was grinning. She was aware how unlike herself it was to show exactly what her heart wanted. Perhaps she hadn’t even quite realized how excited she would be to see everyone. How excited she would be to see him. She also hadn’t realized how badly her heart had hoped he would greet her here, on the docks. Inej knew she had thought he never would, but here he was. So full of surprises, Kaz Brekker.

Kaz must have noticed what she wanted, what was warring inside her, because he straightened himself; and for a moment she thought he might just return to steel, to Dirtyhands. But instead, he gently leaned his cane against the railing, and made the smallest gesture with his ungloved hand to beckon her forward. Inej didn’t need another moment to decide, her feet took off and before she could even register how fast she ran, she wrapped her arms around his middle, head only coming up to his chest with him standing straight, and she could not believe that she felt his arms wrap gently around her shoulders. She knew she clung tight, and couldn’t care less that she heard Jesper actually gasp from behind her. She only felt Kaz’s breath hitch lightly before he pulled her even closer. If this was all Kaz could do, with clothes between them, Inej suddenly realized that would be enough. Kaz fucking Brekker was hugging her in the afternoon light on the docks, armor discarded somewhere far away. Her heart was light as a feather and she inhaled deeply. Kaz smelled of Bourbon, blown out candles and something like cinnamon.
Kaz smelled like home.

 

KAZ

This couldn’t be real. Kaz’s mind refused to believe it, even as Inej gripped to him like an anchor and the water was not rising around him. He knew it was because his jacket buffered her from being too close to his skin, he knew he wouldn’t be able to do much more than hold her hand for a few minutes before he’d drown. But this, this moment was worth everything. Her hair was down and she looked more beautiful than his memory could even conjure. He hadn’t known what he was doing as he’d beckoned her forward to him. His body reacted before his mind had caught up, but it must have been because of that beaming smile she had on her face and the way she had practically bounced on her feet, trying to resist the urge to run towards him. Towards him. He didn’t understand. It was too much. It was everything. He felt her inhale and he was doing the same, she smelled of the sea, and sunshine. He swore his heart was seconds away from breaking through his ribcage, she had come back. Inej had come back and he didn’t want to let her go again. Now that he knew he could hug her like this, with barriers between them, he never wanted to let go.

“I missed you,” Inej mumbled into his chest. He felt his stomach do a pleasant flip that only ever occurred when he was in the presence of his wraith. He wanted to say “I missed you too” but he was Kaz Brekker after all.

“Your crows missed you,” Kaz whispered as he let his chin rest on top of her head. Surprised that he still felt no water rising, her hair proving to be enough of a barrier, at least for this moment. He made a point to ignore Jesper and Wylan smiling at him with raised eyebrows from behind Inej. He felt Inej giggle against him, she actually giggled. It was a delightful noise that he’d surely sell his soul to hear more of.

Kaz pulled back now, knowing he should not do this for very long in the open, even in Dregs territory. If he had been able to avoid Inej’s magnetism, he’d probably not of come at all to make sure no one saw her as a weakness to be used against him, but he couldn’t do that. Not this time. This was too important. He tried to tell himself that it was more for her, but after holding her as he just had, he knew him being here was as much for him as it was for her. Besides, he’d made sure there was a deal going down between the dregs and the razorgulls on the other side of the barrel, with Anika in charge. It was at least a decent enough distraction that no one on the docks had paid him any mind on the way over here, too many gangs would be focused on the deal being made that was barely a deal at all and had been made to seem like something much bigger than it was by Kaz himself.

“Hey! ‘Nej! You’re coming back with us yeah?” Jesper shouted to where Kaz and Inej stood.

Kaz didn’t want to let her go, but he put a foot of space between them as Inej still smiled. He wanted to hug her again. It was the strangest feeling, Kaz had avoided all physical contact for so long, even with clothing as a barrier. The only contact he’d had with another person for as long as he could remember was out of necessity or in fights, except for the few times he’d scarcely touched Inej. The day in the hotel bathroom, and the nightmare that was. Despite how it turned out, he found he still cherished the memory of being close to her for those few stolen moments. He was truly a thief that day, he had somehow pickpocketed his demons and went home with pockets stuffed full of a glimpse of her skin under his lips.

He also remembered the feeling of her hand in his, the day he’d given her the ship and reunited her with her parents. That day felt like a wall torn down because he had beaten the waves of revulsion within from his neck to his ankles. He felt for the first time he might be able to do it. To conquer this weakness. Even if it would only be with her, maybe he could hold her without armor someday. But today, that was a new discovery. That he could already hold her with his jacket on and her being careful not to brush his skin. Kaz realized now that he’d never known the value of a simple hug and he got it now. Oh how he wanted.

“Oh yeah, I just have to get some stuff from my cabin, I just wanted to come down here and see you all,” Inej said with a flustered smile, effectively breaking Kaz from his swirling thoughts. Inej moved back up the quay and with all the grace bestowed upon her, launched herself right up and over the side of the ship.

“I’m hesitant to ask, but uh, you could come back to our place for dinner?” Wylan spoke as he and Jesper neared closer to Kaz. Kaz knew Wylan was hesitant to invite him in fear of yet another rejection. He knew he’d been an ass most of the time Jesper and Wylan had invited him over the past months as Inej was gone. If Kaz was honest with himself, it was because he didn’t know how to just…be. To just go to spend time with friends. It unnerved him. He’d trust Jesper with his life over and over again, and Wylan had grown on him since the first days of the Ice Court but he still didn’t quite know how to be a friend. Kaz didn’t know how to have friends either, but somehow he’d made them and he didn’t even know how that happened. How Jesper or Wylan, even Nina had decided that he was their friend. He felt like a child who had to be dragged somewhere while throwing a tantrum, only to find that his parents had not tricked him and he was in fact given sweets once he began exhibiting good behavior.

“Yeah I think I will,” Kaz muttered, not trusting himself to say more. He found himself already looking back towards Inej’s ship, looking for her familiar figure and black hair.

“Great, so maybe seven bells then?” Wylan looked flustered. Jesper was muffling a laugh, surely at Kaz’s expense. When it came to Inej, he figured he was a little predictable. He’d be where she was whenever he could, and clearly Wylan and Jesper had picked up on that.

“Seven bells,” Kaz confirmed with a sharp nod, trying to decide what to do with himself. Should he leave and go deal with business and just return to the Van Eck mansion at seven bells without saying goodbye to Inej now? Or should he wait and tell her he would see her later? Since when did he do goodbyes? Even if they were ‘see you laters’? Kaz shook his head and simply nodded at Jesper and Wylan and began his ascent back up the docks toward the Slat.

I’ll see her later. His stomach began its gymnast routine again. He found himself suppressing a smile all the way back into the barrel.

Chapter 2: A Kind Truth

Summary:

Inej is back in Ketterdam, ready to keep fighting for everything she wants. Kaz is remembering what warmth feels like. Part Two to "Dealing with Our Demons".

Notes:

Here it is! Part Two! Thank you to everyone who read the first chapter, I'm so excited to keep writing and sharing with you all. All feedback, comments and ideas are always appreciated!

INEJ

 

            Inej dropped her bags on the bed in her room at the Van Eck mansion and proceeded to unceremoniously drop face first onto the fluffy mattress next to them, releasing a breath of comfort.

            “Isn’t it ridiculous that we have these fluffy mattresses now?” Jesper mused from the doorway of Inej’s room. Inej shifted her face off the bed ever so slightly, she hadn’t realized he followed her up from the foyer. “Remember when the fact we had beds at all at the Slat kind of seemed like a miracle?” Jesper continued, and Inej could hear the smile in his voice even though she couldn’t see him.

            “I remember. It’s crazy how much has changed in the past year. A year ago we didn’t even know Wylan and now you’re a cushy house husband instead of a gambler turned criminal and I’m a pirate who has a room in the wealthiest merchers house in Ketterdam,” Inej laughed as she flipped over on to her back to look over at Jesper with a smile. Jesper pushed her bags off the bed and flopped down to lay beside her; his long legs still touching the floor unlike Inej who was barely hanging off the side.

            “Tell me everything, darling,” Jesper shifted his gray eyes to Inej and she smiled before she did. She told him of all the girls and boys she rescued from the slave ships, she told him of the new crew mates she had hired on and her funny new found friendship with Specht, the burly ex naval officer three times her age who helped all of them on more than one occasion. She told him of how light her heart felt, and she told him how hard it was to say goodbye to her parents in Ravka, but how her heart felt lighter still to see them shrink in the distance, going home. Her parents were a healthy amount of skeptical about her chosen path, but from the moment she told her father her arrow had aim, he could no longer argue with her. He had simply said “quite the archer my daughter has become.”With a smile on his face and tears in his eyes.

            Next, she told Jesper about how much she had missed them here on land, and how she thought of Nina daily. She hoped Matthias had been returned home to rest.

            “I’m sure the wolf has been set free and runs beside her,” Jesper said quietly. They hadn’t spoken much about Matthias before Inej left on her ship, the pain in all of them was still too fresh, but Jesper saying this surprised Inej. She knew Jesper was almost as unreligious as Kaz; it warmed her heart to know that he at least believed Matthias had not abandoned Nina in whatever life he had gone to beyond. Inej had prayed to the saints that one day, when her time came, she could greet Matthias there to thank him, to thank him for his comradery and the way he had loved her friend fiercely and without abandon, the way Nina deserved. Inej smiled.

            “So Kaz was there today,” Jesper turned to her again with a hint of mischief in his eyes. Clearly he wanted to move on to a brighter conversation.

            “Yes, he was.” Inej suppressed her grin though she felt her face warm.

            “Care to elaborate what’s changed there, Wraith?” Jesper turned fully towards Inej now, propping his head up on a dark elbow. Inej rolled her eyes though she still smiled.

            “Whatever do you mean, Jes?” Inej truly wasn’t sure what to say. It was her and Kaz. That’s… that’s just what it was. They hadn’t discussed a label. She hadn’t thought they needed to, most of their words were in their eyes, never to be heard or understood by others.

            “Uh you hugged him. Kaz Brekker. On the docks. He hugged you back. I’ve never seen Kaz be so close to another human being unless their blood was already coating his cane,” Jesper laughed.

            “I suppose we have reevaluated our arrangement to each other,” Inej chewed on her lip as Jesper laughed again. Jesper narrowed his eyes a bit in seriousness.

            “You know I’m happy for you right, Inej? I know I once felt something for Kaz but then Wylan walked in and quite literally blew up everything in my world. I can’t imagine it being anyone but Wylan now. He’s… better. For me. He makes sense of all my energy somehow,” Jesper paused and took a long breath. “I can’t quite explain it. It was like my heart just went ‘oh there you are’ the moment I kissed him. It was like nothing I’ve ever experienced. I hate how soft he’s made me, fuck,” Jesper spurted out and rubbed a hand over his face. Inej sensed he wasn’t done.

            “He just…he and I make sense. I don’t know if the rest of you see that but it’s this thing that just clicks. Anyways, my point is, I’m your friend. I’m also Kaz’s friend even if he doesn’t acknowledge it too often. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t talk about Kaz with me, it doesn’t hurt. It’s like I just see it all different now, it was always you Inej. He always looked at you the way he did today and now I just see it clear as day because that’s how I look at Wy.”

            Inej was surprised, she hadn’t been holding back for that reason at all, in fact she almost felt a little guilty that Jesper’s previous feelings for Kaz hadn’t even crossed her mind. She also knew what Jesper meant about him and Wylan, she saw it clearly. When Jesper was around, Wylan was more confident, not because Jesper gave the confidence to him, but because it was always there and Jesper was the polish to make it shine. When Wylan was around, Jesper’s energy was of peace, he was able to sit still a little more, able to smile slowly, like Wylan was sticky honey on the gears that were Jesper, never stopping him, just slowing him down enough to enjoy the view of the moment. Inej told Jesper as much.

            “I’ve never thought of it quite like that, who knew you had a way with words that were not proverbs, Inej,” Jesper sighed with a smile on his face. Just then, a knock on the door frame startled Inej and Jesper to sit up.

            “Hey, sorry, I just wasn’t sure whether I was invited to the snuggle party,” Wylan said from the doorway with a sheepish smile on his face, his blue eyes glinting in amusement.

            “I’m not stealing Jesper if that’s what you mean,” Inej laughed as she stood up, she realized she was still in her outfit from the ship and surely in desperate need of a bath and clean clothes.

            “Are you sure? I mean maybe you and Kaz can adopt him,” Wylan chuckled as Jesper reached and threw a pillow at Wylan from Inej’s bed.

            “Oh merchling, come tonight you’d miss me in your bed,” Jesper drawled with devious amusement on his face. Inej laughed as she gathered her things to make her way to the bathroom; noticing how bright red Wylan was, his skin damn near matched his hair at this point.

            “Out, I’m cleaning up, if you two need to get things out of your system, please go terrorize your own room,” Inej chuckled as she went to the bathroom to make herself presentable before dinner, and perhaps a little more than presentable in anticipation of the boy with onyx eyes and a wicked grin who carried her heart in the palm of his lock-pick hands.

 

 

KAZ

 

Kaz stood at the end of the block from the Van Eck mansion, he had walked here too early. He knew he had but it was like Inej had a gravitational pull he couldn’t resist. He had waited six months for this day; but this afternoon had felt like another lifetime all together, as he tried over and over to sort through the Crow Club’s numbers from the previous week. Kaz was sure he could get there early and Jesper would be the only one to say anything about it. He glanced at his time piece, six and a half bells. Kaz was eager to say the least. He felt like he had Jesper’s nervous energy all the sudden, his leg wasn’t even bothering him much from the walk over here, only a dull throb. Kaz leaned against the light pole above him, watching the shops a little further down the way in the opposite direction of the mansion. People were still moving about in the hazy evening light. He noted a flower vendor with an elderly woman trimming roses out front, some children staring through the window of a toy shop. He noticed the couple walking from the booksellers, clutching their parcels and sharing private smiles. Kaz rarely stood still and watched people like this without planning to make a move for the gang to thieve either riches or information. He felt peaceful. He felt inspired. He straightened himself and walked toward the shops before he could have time to change his mind.

Twenty-five minutes later, Kaz walked up the steps of the Van Eck mansion and rapped his cane against the door. A maid that Kaz vaguely remembered was named Elena, answered the door. An elderly woman who shuffled him inside and took his hat, and outer jacket. She pointed him to the direction of the dining room and Kaz took a steeling breath as he latched his suit jacket straighter in front of his shirt while straightening his tie. Kaz briefly felt his suit jacket pocket to make sure he had moved the parcel he’d bought to his suit from his outer coat. It was there, tucked safely against Inej’s letter from her sea travels. He would not admit to anyone that he carried it with him daily, but he did. A secret all his own in a secret pocket of his best suit. He remembered the day he had received her letter in his office at the Slat several months prior:

He had waited to open her letter until he made it up the stairs to his bedroom, and sat himself on the window ledge that normally sat vacant unless the Wraith was there. He spilled bread crumbs out the window and the crows began pecking and cawing happily as he unfolded the page displaying her organized script.

Kaz must have read the letter three or four times, before realizing he was smiling like a fool to himself. A happy, violent and desperate fool. He had agonized for hours over how to respond, though he knew he would. He had to. She had admitted he was in her thoughts and he wanted her to know she was in his as well. He hadn’t recalled the last time he laughed so freely as when she shook him down (in writing no less) for kruge in payment for him infiltrating her mind. He had settled on a very Kaz Brekker response, despite Kaz Rietveld knocking mercilessly against his cage of human ribs.

After he sent his response he realized perhaps he should have provided at least a little more of his thoughts, but he wanted her to come home. He didn’t want her to run and he didn’t want to agonize over his response and risk her thinking he took too long. He had sent it to the next port she had listed on the back of her letter and hoped it made it there in time for her to receive it at post.

 

Kaz entered the dining room to see Jesper pouring amber liquid into a tumbler near a bar cart. Wylan and Inej were nowhere to be seen as of yet.

“You came! Has the sky collapsed or has the city fallen into unseemly honest hands in your absence thus far?” Jesper quipped easily. Kaz could tell it was in fun though based on the easiness in Jesper’s shoulders and the clear mischief in his eye.

“If it has I wouldn’t know since I’m standing in this dining room with you,” Kaz mumbled, half-heartedly checking the ceiling for evidence of where he and Wylan had fallen through almost a year prior. Jesper snorted and passed over a tumbler of liquor to Kaz, which Kaz took gratefully.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m sure you’re so eager to leave when the Wraith would hunt you down if you even dared to try,” Jesper smiled as he took a seat at the table across from where Kaz was standing, crossing his orange trouser clad legs. “Besides, you wouldn’t want to be anywhere else when all-what? Four feet eleven? - of Suli acrobat turned pirate is right upstairs.”

“Hmm,” Kaz mumbled noncommittally as he took the seat across from Jesper, biting back a smile. He knew it was true. Inej would skin him slowly if he bailed, but rather than sharp blades, she’d skin him with words. Alas, thankfully, Jesper was absolutely right. Kaz had no intention of leaving until he absolutely had to when Inej was concerned.

“Kaz you’re here!” Wylan smiled as he entered the room in a flurry, while adjusting the sleeves of his maroon sweater.

“It would seem so,” Kaz said as he lifted his tumbler to his lips.

“Ten kruge, Jesper. Pay up,” Wylan sat next to Jesper with his hand out.

“What? Why?” Kaz almost choked on the bourbon. Were they betting whether he’d show up?

“I bet Wylan that you’d show up ten minutes late for dramatic flair, he said you’d be early. Here you are, five minutes early. Also, merchling, you know I’m in rehabilitation. It’s bad form to accept bets from ex-gamblers,” Jesper quipped as Wylan socked him in the arm with a glare that sent Jesper giggling as he placed a kiss on Wylan’s head.

Kaz was pleasantly surprised. They had known he’d come, granted he knew they only expected it because of Inej, but he found he had truly missed Jesper and Wylan as well. The feeling was new. Perhaps he’d have to reevaluate his strict no friends and dinner parties rule. Perhaps not.

“Where’s Inej?” Jesper asked Wylan then. Kaz was grateful that Jesper asked so he didn’t have to keep biting the question down in his mouth.

“She said she’d be down in a moment, my mother is taking dinner in her studio tonight and Inej brought her candies from Ravka she wanted to drop by first,” Wylan smiled as he took a sip from Jesper’s glass.

Kaz found himself joining in on a conversation with Jesper and Wylan on the markets of all things. The liquor left Kaz feeling a little less of the nervous energy while still being stone cold sober. A few minutes must have passed before he felt Inej’s presence. It was like a sixth sense he had acquired-only attuned to her.

“Sorry I’m late, I started talking to Marya about her paintings,” Inej spoke quietly from behind him. Kaz couldn’t stop himself from standing up immediately to turn to face her.

He stopped dead in his tracks. Inej. She was wearing silk. At least, part silk. Real silk. She looked…deadly. Beautiful. The silk was jet black, and it wrapped around her chest, acting as a shirt that sashed over one shoulder, the end of the sash hanging low behind her looked dipped in gold. Her other shoulder was bare, bronze skin under the low dinner lighting. Her legs, Ghezen, her legs. She was wearing high waisted pants that were similar to her normal leggings for jobs, slim fitting, hitting her in every right place to accentuate her lithe form and slight curves. Another line of golden bronze skin was showing above her pants where the silk clearly intentionally ended. Her hair was down again, tumbling over her bare shoulder in black waves that shown almost as much as the silk in the candle light. Kaz was dimly aware he was staring when Inej ran a self-conscious hand over the front of her pants.  

“I, um, my parents brought it for me back when we reunited and I didn’t have anywhere to wear it to, so I decided to at least wear part of it. I hate skirts so I… I only wore the top portion. It’s about all the silk I can wear…” Inej stammered.

“You look like yourself, Inej, which is beautiful,” Kaz spoke softly, before he could even begin to decide not to. His words had slipped past every carefully constructed barrier. She looked nothing like the falsity of cheap purple silk he had seen her in once at the Menagerie. She looked like a strong Suli woman who could pierce you with a blade or her eyes if she wished. She always looked beautiful to him, but it was the first time she had ever worn real silk in Ketterdam and he wanted her to know it still suited her, pants and modifications and all. The Menagerie could not take her culture from her.

He was actually afraid to see her from the back. He was sure those pants did favors to her that should absolutely be illegal. There was also a very primal part of him that was glad they were in the house of friends, not in public where every wandering eye could see her beauty. He might be a little territorial which was ridiculous since he’d barely held her hand, but he couldn’t help it. Inej was here and looking like the Saint of Assassins.

“Exquisite Wraith!” Jesper chimed in from behind Kaz. Inej was staring at him though, she looked almost like she was going to cry. He didn’t understand why. Had he said something wrong?

“Thank you,” Inej smiled softly with an almost too subtle shake of her head. While he knew that gratitude was to both him and Jesper, he felt like the smile was for him. He would hoard it with the rest of her smiles like priceless gems beneath a dragon in his lair.

 

INEJ

 

            Inej was shocked. Kaz had called her beautiful, in a room with their friends. He looked surprised that he had even said it himself. Inej felt like she might cry, not out of sadness. It was a feeling akin to the one she had the first time Kaz had said her name aloud in the Menagerie, like someone returning something that was stolen from her that she feared might be lost forever. No one had ever called her beautiful in earnest and used her name. She had been called beautiful loads of times by men in the Menagerie, but it was always followed by terrible slurs,Lynx, suli girl, whore.Kaz had spun the tables of her life more times than she could count, but this was one time she would never forget.

            A kind truth. No kind lies. Nothing terrible about it.

            “Shall we?” Wylan asked from the doorway near the kitchen as the maid Elena wheeled in a dinner cart and began setting the trays of chicken, rice, and vegetables on the table. Inej hadn’t even noticed him stand up and go. She hazily shook her head and managed to force her mouth into an agreement. Inej took a seat next to Kaz, realizing for the first time how strange it was that there was only the four of them there. No Nina, no Matthias. Although, it was almost in a strange sense like old times as well, her and Kaz and Jesper. Plus, Wylan. It was a strange reality.

Inej felt warmth wash over her as she watched Kaz pulling off his gloves from the corner of her eye in his lap. He tucked them away in his pocket and looked up to the conversation Jesper and Wylan were having as if he hadn’t just done something he never would have been able to do a year ago. Her heart swelled. A kind truth indeed.

 

 

           

Chapter 3: Marching into War

Summary:

Inej and Kaz have always pushed the boundaries around them, why not push their own as well? Will it pay off?

Part 3 to Dealing with Our Demons.

Notes:

Part 3!! Ah thank you so much to everyone who has read, as usual, please comment with any feedback, advice or comments in general! Can't wait to keep sharing. Thank you again.

KAZ

 

            Kaz was enjoying himself. He didn’t feel completely out of place like he suspected he would, and it was once again a new feeling. Kaz took a sip of the slightly too sweet kvas in front of him while listening to Jesper tease Wylan about his choices to rearrange their mansion; though privately, Kaz understood why Wylan did not want to keep his father’s previous study as his own- Jan Van Eck was a cruel man in ways Kaz was glad his own father was not, even if he could hardly remember him. Though Kaz was cruel, so perhaps goodness was something that skipped generations he supposed.

            “So Wraith, you told me of your travels, care to start sharing with the class?” Jesper smiled and looked over to Inej as Wylan just shook his head. Clearly the argument of house arranging was a couple-type of conversation. Kaz was almost sad he would miss Wylan laying down the law on Jesper. Kaz’s interest was definitely peaked though, he had waited eagerly to hear Inej speak of her travels all day.

            Inej took a breath and began to speak of a detailed recant of the first ship she’d taken down, the one she had written to him about. He felt a smile pulling on his mouth as she told them how she’d used a rope to climb to the other ship first before her crew infiltrated in the dead of night. Then, how she’d used her intimate knowledge of pick pocketing to steal keys to the brig where the stolen girls were kept, at this point she had paused with a brilliant smile on her wine flushed face as she looked at him. He never thought his criminal training would suit her so well.

He felt pride whip through him as she continued on about other ships and her crew, how she’d been practicing walking a wire on her ship, how now she could nearly sprint small distances on a rope despite the rock of the waves. He watched her gesture wildly about the colorful sea shanties that Specht had imparted on her and when Wylan had tried to inquire about the actual musical makeup of the songs; she had been set off in a fit of giggles that nearly stopped his decrepit heart. He longed to touch her again. To hold her again. Kaz wasn’t sure if he could but he found himself wanting to. He wondered if he’d be able to hold her hand again after these months. If it would work as he sat at this table now and took her hand gently in his despite the audience, he also wondered if she would be alright with that. She would, she hugged you on the docks.

“What’s the craziest thing you did out there on the sea?” Jesper asked with twinkling eyes as Inej’s giggles receded. Wylan nodded eagerly, he wanted to know too. As did Kaz.

“Do you mean most dangerous or most ridiculous?” Inej asked after a sip of her wine. Kaz audibly snorted at that and she looked at him with a grin so quickly he almost missed it before returning her gaze to Jesper.

“I’ll take whatever answer suits us to laugh the most,” Jesper mused with a chuckle.

“Well I challenged Specht to arm wrestle me so that everyone knew I was a tough captain, while a little hazy on rum I might add, so that turned out as good as you’d expect,” Inej said with a sheepish smile.

Kaz laughed. He surprised himself by almost spitting out kvas, the image of the wraith, so small and dangerous, drunk on rum, arm wrestling a burly ex-naval officer in show of strength was too funny of an image for him to even hold back his amusement. He heard Wylan chuckling and so was Jesper, but he caught Inej staring at him. He didn’t understand the smile on her face, she was looking at him with something he’d never seen before. Something like awe. He didn’t understand what he did to provoke such a look from her. He loved it. He loved that he was the subject on the receiving end of thatlook.

 

INEJ

 

            Kaz Brekker laughing freely was something so rarely witnessed that Inej wanted to rush to Wylan’s mother and beg her to paint his portrait just as he was now. His suit jacket undone, his tie slightly askew, hands bare, one gripping a wine glass and with a smile on his face. Inej thought it just might be the best view she’d ever seen, perhaps even better than her favorite perch on the chapel above Ketterdam at sunset or the crow’s nest above the open expanse of blue waves on her ship. Kaz was her favorite view.

Inej couldn’t help but shift herself a little closer to him.

            Soon after, Jesper launched into a story about his first successful plays on the market that were turning out rather swimmingly and Kaz offered him some advice here and there as Wylan watched Jesper intently with something like pride behind his blue eyes. Inej wanted to touch Kaz as he spoke of a few companies he’d seen with success on the market in the papers, but she knew she shouldn’t. But perhaps… perhaps she could offer it to him if he wanted to touch her in this room with people around. She wouldn’t push him, but maybe, maybe if he knew he was welcome… he would.

            Inej let her hand nearest Kaz rest on the table between their two table settings, seemingly casually if Jesper and Wylan noticed. Inej perked up when Wylan began talking about his mother’s readjustment into living at home with him and Jesper and she soon lost herself in the conversation.

Sometime later, she noticed Kaz’s hand was next to hers as he drank a sip of wine and his eyes didn’t leave Jesper’s as they continued speaking of merchers. Had he inched closer to her as well? Surely not. Just then, she felt Kaz’s pinky entwine with hers on the table, she resisted the urge to look over at him to make sure he was okay, but just then, she felt the rest of his hand slide beneath hers and slowly, their fingers interlocked.

            Kaz squeezed her hand gently and she shifted her eyes to him once as Wylan spoke of the room he’d converted to a gallery for his mother’s paintings. She found Kaz was looking at her, and he smiled reassuringly. It was a small private thing, that smile.

 

KAZ

 

            Kaz was holding Inej’s hand in the dining room of his mercher friends, drinking wine and laughing. Whose life is this? It can’t possibly be mine.

Kaz reeled from revulsion for a few moments as his hand slid into Inej’s, he hadn’t been able to stop himself as he noticed her hand there next to him, like an invitation to try if he wished. The water reached his knees as Jesper continued talking, but he forced his hand to stay in hers and he focused on the slight pulse he could feel where his wrist brushed hers. Her hand was warm and dry, with callous from her blades and the ropes on her ship. It was nothing like corpses and Jordie’s voice was nothing but a dull buzz of a fly in the back of his mind.  He felt the water recede to his ankles slowly as he nodded about something Jesper said, he wasn’t drowning. The wine helped some too, he thought. Made him feel just a little looser. He was not drunk or even buzzed, but it was the warmth in his belly and the warmth in her hand that allowed him to stay anchored in the Van Eck dining room. When he barely felt the water on his ankles anymore and the nausea was settling, he gently squeezed her hand, he wanted…he wanted to share this victory with her. However small.

            Inej turned to him, and upon seeing her molten chocolate eyes glinting in the candle light, he smiled. She was flushed, she was here, she was holding his hand and they were waging war on the demons that haunted them both.

            Kaz could kill with his gloved hands, everyone in Ketterdam knew that. Maybe he could learn to love with his bare ones.

Chapter 4: A Gift

Summary:

Kay and Inej are here together. Kaz knows how much he cares, can he show it? Inej will fight for the future she wants, for the future she wants with Kaz. There's no one she'd rather march into the future with than Kaz Brekker. They will get what they deserve.

Part 4 to 'Dealing with Our Demons'.

Notes:

Part Four! I'm honestly so excited to share this chapter. I hope you all love it! It's a longer one since my last update was on the shorter side. As usual, I would love any comments, feedback and advice. It means the world to me. Thank you to everyone who has read thus far, and I can't wait to continue! Exciting things in the works!

KAZ

 

            “Oh! I have dessert!” Wylan said after they all chatted for a bit longer. Wylan stood and went to the kitchen. Jesper rose too.

 

            “Shall we move to the living room? I hate these damn chairs. Too short for me,” Jesper stretched his arms above his head.

 

            “Everything is too short for you, Jes.” Inej chuckled and shook her head. If Jesper had noticed their clasped hands, he hadn’t made a comment. Kaz appreciated it, it wasn’t that he wasn’t happy, elated actually, that he was holding Inej’s hand. It was just that he had no idea what he’d say to a comment from Jesper in this instance, it wasn’t exactly like he and Inej were an easy couple like Jesper and Wylan. They weren’t even a couple… were they? Maybe. No. Yes? Kaz wasn’t sure but that didn’t unnerve him the way it might have if he were any normal man, but he wasn’t. Inej wasn’t a normal woman either, they were just Kaz and Inej and it made sense. They had enemies who couldn’t know what they were to each other. The only person not in this house who Kaz would ever even allow to know about his and Inej’s entanglement with one another beyond the business scope, was Nina. Kaz realized how much he trusted Jesper and Wylan then- they would never use his one weakness against him because she was one of theirs as well.

 

            “Everything is too tall for you Inej, so I don’t want to hear it,” Jesper quipped back at Inej. She drew up a wicked little grin before she spoke softly.

 

            “On the contrary, for example, this house isn’t too tall. I’ve broken into it without so much as a foothold. Nothing is too tall for me Jesper, or did you forget the six stories in the dark in Fjerda?”

 

            Inej had him there. Ghezen he loved it when she clapped back at people who were not him. It was a rare site to see Inej look truly devious but he was certain it was something he would never tire of witnessing. Wicked, dangerous woman.

 

            “Oh Wraith, how could I forget. I had to remove molten rubber from your ugly feet that day,” Jesper laughed on his way to the living room. Inej rolled her eyes and let out a huff of breath. She turned her eyes on Kaz then with feigned disgust at Jesper’s comment.

 

            “I assure you, I do not have ugly feet. They might become ugly though when I kick his ass,” Inej grimaced with a twinkle of amusement in her eyes.

 

            “I’m unconcerned with your feet Inej, but at least let him keep his revolver hands in good form lest we need him to be useful again someday,” Kaz replied as she chuckled. He reluctantly let go of her hand to stand, grabbing his cane. He didn’t miss her glance back at his hand with a slightly jutted lip. The wraith would not pout; he knew that much- but that was as close as she got to it. Kaz smiled inwardly. He’d hate to use a word so low as cute to describe Inej, but that was certainly close.

 

Inej stood as well and excused herself saying she would meet them in the living room.

 

            Kaz joined Jesper and Wylan in the other room, noticing the takeaway box of dessert waffles in the center of the coffee table.

 

            “Wylan, Dear Sweet Wylan, has graced us with waffles, Kaz. I must keep him now,” Jesper exclaimed as Kaz took a seat in one of the armchairs across from them on the couch.

 

            “You mean he’ll keep you, Jes.” Kaz said with a crooked grin.

 

            “Hey! He didn’t adopt me or anything!” Jesper growled with a mock frown on his face.

 

            “Sure,” Kaz nodded slowly.

 

            “I kind of did,” Wylan chuckled as Jesper pulled him down to sit beside him on the couch with a thud.

 

            “Don’t encourage Kaz, he’ll mock me within an inch of my life and as we all know, my pride is as fragile as you are,” Jesper mocked with a wink in Wylan’s direction.

 

            “Fine, Where’s Inej?” Wylan asked with a flick of his wrist.

 

            “Yeah Kaz, where is the wraith?” Jesper looked at Kaz with narrowed steel irises. Kaz rolled his eyes.

 

            “I’m not her keeper, but she said she’d be back down in a moment,” Kaz grumbled shifting uncomfortably in his chair. So Jesper had noticed. There was a time where Kaz would have denied knowing anything just to make it look like the moments between himself and Inej this evening meant nothing, but he couldn’t find it in him to do it anymore. Dirtyhands had checked out this evening and apparently Kaz Rietveld was holding the reins. He hated it. He relished in it. He didn’t know what to do with himself. He wanted Inej to himself right now. It was a ridiculous thought. It was the only thought that mattered.

 

            Kaz felt Inej’s presence again and a moment later she entered from the foyer silently. She carried a leather bag with her. Her silk sash swished behind her and caught the light; once again Kaz was mesmerized.

 

            “Are those waffles?!” Inej yelped, her tone one of sheer elation.

 

            “They are.” Wylan beamed at her from under Jesper’s arm.

 

            “Saints, I love you Wylan.” Inej smiled as she walked up to the coffee table and took a small sugar dusted waffle. Kaz desperately tried to ignore her figure as she bent over in front of him. Perhaps her Saints were real and they created her to tempt him into religion. She was glory filled death wrapped in a pristine petite package.

 

            “What’s the bag?” Jesper asked with a raised brow as Inej munched on her waffle, still standing next to Kaz’s chair. Inej finished her bite before taking a napkin and dusting her hands off and setting the rest of her waffle down. She gently tucked some hair behind her ear and Kaz wished he had done it instead. She looked slightly flustered, Kaz was unsure why. The wraith rarely ever seemed anything but collected, somewhat like himself.

 

            “Oh. I brought some things back for you all. I stopped in Os Kervo to take my parents home and there were some caravans there selling silk and I… I thought of you,” Inej said softly as she set the bag gently on the ground. Kaz wasn’t sure what she would have brought back but he felt his heart stutter as she took out a long box wrapped in some maroon gift paper that she passed to Wylan. She had brought them gifts. Kaz was sure she meant Jesper and Wylan, he hoped she did only mean them. Inej being here was a saints-damned miracle to Kaz, he didn’t need anything else. He most certainly did not deserve anything else.

 

            “Oh Inej! May I open it?” Wylan smiled brightly with the package in his lap as he straightened himself from Jesper. Inej nodded and gestured with her hand as she crossed her legs beneath her to sit comfortably on the ground.

 

            Wylan opened the wrapping to a long light colored wooden box, he opened the latches to reveal a flute case lined in Suli silk in a rich sapphire color. Wylan clapped a hand over his mouth as he traced his hand over the inside, Kaz noticed the top of the box had the Van Eck crest stamped into the wood.

 

            “Inej, this is beautiful… this is real silk. Thank you, it’s too much.” Wylan smiled as Jesper beamed back and forth between Inej and his boyfriend.

 

            “Nonsense. You gave me a room and let me live here when I’m on land. It’s the least I could do. You’re also my friend.” Inej proceeded to say something in suli that Kaz was sure would sound terrible with his kerch accent if he tried to repeat it.

 

            “What does that mean?” Wylan asked as he gently set his new case down on the table before him.

 

            “It means ‘where kindness is earned, kindness is given.’ Or in kerch, You’re welcome.” Inej grinned as she reached back into her bag. Inej pulled out a square parcel wrapped in navy paper which she passed over to Jesper. Jesper raised a brow at her with a grin before he opened his wrapping paper and the box within. Kaz couldn’t see from his vantage what was inside, but based on Jesper’s reaction it was something equally exquisite as what Inej had gifted to Wylan.

 

            “Inej, this is… Oh they are beautiful! Thank you!” Jesper exclaimed with a grin as he reached into the box to remove two matching dark leather holsters for his revolvers. The leather was black, but the inside of the holsters was lined with Suli silk once again, this time in a vibrant emerald green with a thread of orange to match the colors of Jesper’s home country, Noyvi Zem. Kaz couldn’t help but shift his eyes to Inej, she was sitting perfectly still, her back as straight as a blade but her eyes were radiant, dark as the night sky and twinkling with the happiness she clearly felt giving gifts to their friends. The Wraith was absolutely enchanting when she was this happy. Kaz was once again struck with the fact that she had chosen to return to Ketterdam, not only to him, but to all of them.

 

            Kaz watched as Inej reached into her bag one more time, and he felt his breath hitch ever so lightly. He had no idea what she could possibly give him and he wanted to tell her to take whatever it was back, but that wouldn’t exactly fit with Kaz Brekker. Wasn’t greed his servant and his lever? Since when did he not desire to take what the world refused to give him?

 

            Inej pulled out a box wrapped in shiny black paper that was slightly larger than the other two she had removed. She turned to him and he was thankful he rarely flushed even in the cold because his skin most certainly felt warmer as he felt everyone look at him.

 

            “This is for you.” Inej spoke almost in a whisper. Was Inej nervous? Was he nervous? Kaz remembered the last time he had received a gift. It was from his brother and Kaz had been nine years old. It had been a deck of cards. He thought he might have stopped breathing. Kaz took the package and his fingers grazed hers and this time the barely there touch only sent lightning through him. He was surprised to feel that the package was very light as he set it gently in his lap.

 

            Kaz opened the paper carefully, and opened a standard cardstock box to reveal tissue paper over a shape with a notecard in her script on top. It read:

 

            Kaz,

Your darling Inej, Treasure of your heart, has done you the honor of acquiring you a new hat.

 

            Kaz flicked his gaze up to Inej, but her gaze was on her hands. She was nervous. He suppressed a chuckle of pure disbelief. He couldn’t believe she had remembered that as clearly as he did. Saints, she was always making him believe in impossible things.He tucked the card inside his pocket. That was for them. Jesper and Wylan did not need to know what it said.

 

            Kaz removed the paper to reveal a hat just like the previous one she had ordered for him nearly a year ago, but of even better craftsmanship. He picked it up and turned it over. The inside was lined in black suli silk identical to what Inej had worn tonight, but just inside along the seam, stitched in red silk thread, was a ‘K’ next to a heart. The font was the exact replica of a playing card. The ‘K’ did not stand for ‘Kaz’. It stood for ‘King’.

 

The King of hearts.

 

We’ll be Kings and Queens, Inej. Kings and Queens.

 

INEJ

 

Inej heard Kaz’s breath hitch as he noted the interior of the hat. Inej had felt nervous all afternoon about giving Kaz his gift. Inej had almost opted to place it in his room at the Slat at her first opportunity instead for him to open it privately, without her there. Something had stopped Inej from that course of action though, she had wanted to see his face. She had wanted him to know she put thought into this gift. Then she remembered how she felt on the docks only hours before when he held her for the very first time. Her mind had been made up. Saints, after everything he’d done for her? Inej wanted to do something, no matter if his surprises were far bigger than what could fit into a parcel, or in beautiful sentences. She still wanted him to know she cared. She thought of him when she was away. Her arrow’s aim included him. Kaz was a King in her heart already. A crooked, broken, and sometimes cruel King that had to fight the world for everything he wanted, crown and all.

 

Inej would have him no other way.

 

“I’ve not received one before, not… not in a long time,” Kaz whispered as he touched the etching in the hat almost reverently. He spoke so quietly Inej almost thought she had imagined it entirely.

 

“What? A hat? Technically I bought one for you before I suppose,” Inej smiled softly.

 

“I meant a gift.” Kaz whispered. There was profound sadness and exuberant happiness waging war in his dark eyes. Inej felt like someone reached into her chest and gripped her heart in their fist. Inej knew she had much to learn about Kaz, but this felt like a small chip from his armor clanging to the floor. Inej picked up that piece of armor and stored it delicately next to her feelings for him inside herself. Kaz had to choose to let go of these pieces for her; it was not something she would try to pry from him, she wouldn’t waste her time trying. It was his choice, and yet again, he surprised her by doing so.

 

“Thank you, Inej.” Kaz said now, finally looking at her directly with a private fondness that Inej would bet no one outside of her knew existed.

 

“What is it?” Inej heard Jesper ask happily from behind her. Inej hadn’t realized she was blocking Jesper and Wylan from view.

 

“A hat,” Kaz said simply as he placed it back in its box and gently tucked the box on the ground next to his chair.

 

“Well fine don’t show us, but thank you, wraith. You’re always welcome here.” Jesper said with a narrowed glance at Kaz and a smile that was all for her.

 

“You’re welcome.” Inej said with one last glance at Kaz before she picked up her waffle from the table and made her way to the other arm chair where she curled her legs under herself.

 

“So how long will you be here, Inej? I just realized we never actually asked,” Wylan asked while he grabbed a waffle for himself, knocking away Jesper’s hand as he tried to steal a bite.

 

“Two months or so, the voyage was long and there’s much to be done on land. My next voyage will probably only be about three months depending on what I can uncover about the slave trade routes on the sea. Specht advised against us sailing again without a longer leave, keeps up morale. We didn’t stay more than a night at any port on my maiden voyage and I think he’s right. It’s alright that I’ll be staying, right?” Inej questioned.

 

“Of course!” Jesper and Wylan said in unison. Inej stole a glance at Kaz who looked relieved to hear her say she was staying for more than a week or two. He evened out his expression quickly.

 

“What work do you hope to accomplish?” Jesper asked in between bites of a waffle he was scarfing down like a starved stray. Inej simply shook her head with a smile at her ridiculous zemini friend.

 

“We have an arrangement to work together, besides, I’m in desperate need of a competent spider for several sensitive jobs.” Kaz’s voice of gravel came from beside her.

 

“Hmm, competent spider? Roeder isn’t cutting it?” Jesper quipped before Inej could respond. She smiled as he spoke, though. Inej wasn’t surprised at Kaz’s response, Kaz had always been one thing consistently since she’d known him: a man of his word. It still felt nice for him to acknowledge the deal they’d made on the docks when he reunited her with her parents.

 

“Well he’s not me, so I doubt it.” Inej joked and Kaz shot her a glare that she could see right through due to his lips quirking ever so slightly. Inej had meant the words referring to her skill as a spider, but she also knew she was the true holder of Kaz Brekker’s secrets. That was a position that had been filled. The Wraith was back.

 

KAZ

 

            Inej had fallen asleep in the arm chair next to him as they had all talked about the renovations Kaz was doing on the Slat and Wylan’s plans at the Van Eck mansion. She was folded up with her legs beneath her and she looked even smaller in her sleep. Her head was laying on her arm on the arm rest with her hair twisting down over the edge. She had a peaceful look on her face that Kaz etched into his memory promptly. Kaz checked the time, it was almost eleven bells. Of course Inej was exhausted, who knows how much she had slept in her preparation to sail into port. In this moment, Kaz wished he could simply ruse her from her sleep by carrying her up to her bed. It wasn’t his leg that stopped him, he wouldn’t risk touching her while she slept knowing the demons that plagued her, he had no idea how deep they ran or how she would react. Kaz also knew he had carried her before out of necessity, but he didn’t want to touch her and find he couldn’t handle anymore today, he didn’t want to see her face, live alone Jesper or Wylan’s if he started drowning. They didn’t know anything that Inej did. He didn’t want that disappointment for her. He didn’t want that disappointment for himself.

 

            After a few more minutes, Jesper and Wylan promised they’d wake her once they went up to bed but until then they would let her sleep and Kaz felt a strange twist in his gut as he prepared to leave.

 

            He had wanted to hug her again. He wanted... He wanted anything he could give and anything she could give in return.

 

 Kaz had something for her he’d bought before dinner. He wanted to talk with her in a room that was all their own. Kaz shook his head. It was time for Dirtyhands to check back in, he needed to go back to the Slat and catch up on the work he couldn’t get to with the distraction of Inej mere miles away from him this afternoon.

 

As Kaz Brekker slipped on his jacket and gently tucked his new hat under his arm, he realized it was harder this time, even though he’d spent his whole life walking away. Walking away from moments, from smiles, from people… from life.

 

Inej came back. Inej came back to me.

 

What was it they always said? If you love something, set it free? He had. She came back.

 

           

Chapter 5: It's an Honor

Summary:

Kaz and Inej are remembering what they know of each other. Inej reunites with her crows. The wraith is back at the Slat. What business will ensue?

Notes:

It's Part 5! I'm so happy to share this with you all. This chapter is only in Kaz's POV, I hope you don't mind. This one felt like it needed to be. I hope you'll see why by the end. Thank you so much to everyone who has read. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your comments and kudos and over all support. As usual, any feedback, advice, and comments in general are very much welcomed! Hope you love it!

KAZ

 

            Kaz made his way up the steps back to his bedroom the next morning at the Slat. He had already been up for a while despite it only being seven bells. Kaz wanted nothing more than to go get a cup of coffee from the shop down the block but he wanted to shave first, he had only gone down to his office first to hear Roeder report some findings on a mercher they suspected was funneling funds to support the slave trade for one of the prominent pleasure houses in Ketterdam. So, Kaz decided those funds should fall into much more unseemly hands. His own. In the process, no funds would remain to be smuggled to slavers. A win-win all around Kaz surmised.

 

Since taking over the Dregs and moving his office to the first floor, Kaz’s room was now off limits to anyone else. There was no longer any business conducted in the attic. Kaz found he liked it that way, it was only his. Besides, no one but him could pick the three locks on the door. Though he had a skeleton key. Kaz still kept some sensitive information stored in his filing drawers on this floor that felt safer in his own quarter. He had also since upgraded his makeshift desk. He now had a small, yet proper desk in the same place. Kaz used Per Haskell’s old desk downstairs, but, he had wanted to buy one of his own even if no one would see him use it.  It felt like a check off of some made up list in his head of things that meant he truly was the leader here.

 

Kaz had also gotten running hot water installed in the Slat, which made for much nicer living by all counts. He had converted the unused storage closet in his attic room to a small bathroom, only enough room for a small shower stall, sink and toilet. This allowed him to exchange his previous wash basin for a small bookcase which held all of his novels, his personal collection of card decks, and several binders of back log Crow Club numbers in case he needed them again.

 

            Somehow it felt a little more like he lived here. Despite that he’d had this room for years, it was only now as the leader of the Dregs, that Kaz had bothered to put down a single root in this room.

 

            It wasn’t much, but it was his. He all but laid the timber to build the Slat into what it was today and he was proud of it.

 

            Kaz entered his attic room, the sunlight was streaming in the windows and caging the room in a warm glow. Kaz shrugged out of his suit jacket, tossing it over his chair and leaned his cane against the wall as he made his way to the bathroom behind his desk. Kaz slipped out of his shirt and gloves as he splashed warm water on his face and lathered foam for his shaving routine. Once done, Kaz set his blade back into its holder and slung a towel around his neck. Kaz immediately felt better, more awake.

 

            Kaz exited the bathroom and began to head to his armoire for a clean shirt, but as he walked past, he noticed his desk drawer was slightly open. It was the bottom left drawer, the only drawer he left unlocked. It held no papers or writing utensils. That drawer served one purpose and one purpose alone; it held bread. Bread for Inej’s ridiculous murder of crows that seemed permanently fixed outside the window of the attic. The birds had settled for him and his careless demeanor these past months, seeming to sense he was a stand in for their true mistress. That’s when Kaz felt her presence. It seemed his sense had been off in the bathroom but now he felt that keen awareness in his bones whenever Inej was near.Of course she rifled through his desk for bread of all things. Then, surprisingly, Kaz heard her.

 

A wraith not trying to be quiet.

 

            As Kaz neared the window, which he could now tell was slightly ajar, he heard Inej say something like “I missed you too.” Kaz threw his eyes heavenward. Inej and her damn birds.He smirked.

 

Kaz made his presence known by pushing the window further open to peek at the ledge. Sure enough, there were bread crumbs all over the place, and Inej was sitting with her legs dangling off the ledge around the corner from the window, with her hand open to an overly eager crow who cawed happily as he pecked the bread from her. Inej had a take away cup of coffee in her other hand which she sipped as she watched the birds. She looked radiant with the morning sun catching each of her ink-black eyelashes. She always looks radiant. Did you expect something else? Her hair was braided all the way to her waist and she was clad head to toe in black. She was armed again. Kaz caught the glint of one of her saintly blades in her thigh sheath. She was looking, well, wraith-like.

 

“Good morning, Kaz.” Inej hummed as she lifted her coffee to her lips again. His eyes tracked the movement like the thief he was. Inej turned to look at him then as he leaned out the window. Her eyes widened subtly and a flush of color bloomed on her cheeks as she traced the plane of his chest. She turned away quickly. A very prideful male part of him was pleased with her reaction despite the fact that he’d been shirtless around her many times. In fact, the first time he’d done that, he hadn’t even been thinking of it. It was one of the first times he realized just how much he trusted Inej.

 

“Wraith, I didn’t expect you this early,” Kaz rasped. In fact, he hardly expected her at all. The day prior almost felt like some sick dream her Saints had plagued him with. When he woke, though, his new hat was hanging on its hook by his door and it was the only morning in memory he could recall that the first thing he did was grin. He felt like an idiot. The act had felt foreign on his face in the morning grogginess.

 

Inej stood up on the ledge and dusted crumbs off her hands to make her way in through his window. She briefly turned to the crow still perched on the ledge.

 

“I’ll see you soon, Kaz Pecker.”

 

“What the hell did you just call that bird?” Kaz asked with a grimace of disbelief.

 

“You heard me.” Inej said simply with a devious little grin as he backed away from the window to make room for her to come in. Kaz huffed as Inej slipped from the window sill silently into his room.

 

“I heard that huff. It was an opportunity for a brilliant pun that Nina and Jesper would skin me for if I didn’t take. Besides, he lives at yourwindow.” Inej laughed. It was the laugh.He would let it go because of that laugh.  

 

Kaz fucking Pecker. This woman would be the death of him.

 

“Besides, you missed that I brought you coffee. That should soften the blow to your ego.” Inej mused as she gestured with her hand to his desk. Indeed, there was a cup of coffee on his desk identical to hers.

 

He changed his mind. Inej was a saint and she could name birds after him all she liked.

 

“Fine.” Kaz grumbled as he walked to his desk and removed the lid of the cup, just inside the lid, there was a small packet of sugar tucked into the plastic grooving.Kaz mostly drank his coffee black, but secretly, he liked to add a little sugar to break up the bitterness. He generally carried a packet or two with him in his pocket which he’d slip into his coffee like performing a magic trick so no one was the wiser.

 

Inej was the wraith. Secret discoverer. Inej found one of his secrets and never spoke a word of it. Down to hiding the sugar packet herself inside his cup. Brilliant woman.

 

Kaz dumped the sugar packet into his coffee and took his first sip of glorious caffeine. He shifted his eyes to Inej who he noticed was already looking at him, as she stood straight as a rod by the window. Her lips were threatening a smile. She was pleased with herself. For a moment, Kaz recalled how strange it was to have someone know such small things about him. How he secretly liked sugar in his coffee. It was… it was peaceful. Kaz set his cup down on the desk and limped slightly to his armoire to remedy his dire shirt situation. Kaz realized that he knew similar things about Inej.

 

Inej orders her coffee three quarters full, and then fills it to the brim with cream.

 

Inej prefers tea with honey, though.

 

Inej rolls her shoulders before a fight. Also before an argument.

 

Inej’s mother’s favorite flower is wild geraniums. Inej’s favorite flower is also wild geraniums.

 

Inej loves the chocolate candy they sell in the Ravkan district. He thinks it reminds her of her home country.

 

Kaz smiled to himself as he shrugged a shirt on, and began buttoning it. He wished he had nothing else to do today but marvel in Inej’s presence. He wanted to kiss her senseless. He rarely let himself think about the possibility of it ever happening, but Ghezen, he wanted it to.

 

Kaz wanted to hug her again, too.

 

            “What business, wraith?” Kaz asked as he adjusted his sleeves, putting on his cufflinks.

 

            “Work, of course.” Inej said quietly from behind him. He turned around to find he hadn’t heard her move at all but she was now knelt in front of his bookcase. Kaz realized she hadn’t seen it before today. Inej was looking at all of his card boxes with a curiosity in her eyes and she was biting her lower lip absentmindedly. She looked like she was trying to glean information from his card collection. Kaz was amused.

 

            “Which one was your first deck? Or did you not keep it?” Inej asked softly. Kaz was startled, he hadn’t really ever been asked about anything he owned. He never displayed anything in his room before, he supposed. First instinct kicked in, the feeling told him to tell her it was none of her business. But this was Inej, he reminded himself. Kaz found himself wanting it to be her business. A raw, distinct, feeling of peace settled over him at the realization. It wasn’t an extremely personal question by any normal standard, but this was new territory for Kaz. Kaz’s body moved without his permission as he walked over to where she was kneeling and he took a novel off the shelf above his decks. Inej quirked a brow up at him in question.

 

            Kaz opened the cover of the book, it was a novel about a sorcerer who slayed an opposing kingdoms military with a flick of his wrist and won the girl in the end. He could tell you the girls name was Rose. He could tell you the sorcerer had a horse as big as a bear.

 

Kaz had never read the novel.

 

            The book had been one of the novels that Jordie had bought the week before they lost everything. Jordie had read it in one night and told nine-year-old Kaz every detail as Kaz had tried to make a coin disappear. His younger self had been enthralled. Kaz had been convinced no author could tell the story like his brother could. He had no need to read it. After Jordie died, and Kaz had been reborn, he had snuck back to the boarding house they had lived. He dug through the dumpster in the alleyway behind the building and took this book and his deck of cards back. For a long time, the clothes Kaz had on his back, the novel, and his deck of cards were the only worldly possessions that Kaz owned. He remembered stashing the book and cards behind a loose brick under one of the bridges over the canals as he slept nearby.

 

            The book was now hollowed through the center of the pages to reveal a small alcove. It was something symbolic Kaz had done when he’d finally had the money for a blade. He’d carved the hole himself, and placed his first deck within it. Kaz Rietveld was forever just a boy in a story. Kaz Brekker was a legend.

 

Kaz handed his oldest possessions to Inej and she took it with such gentleness, he thought perhaps she could read his mind. Inej looked at the cover of the book first, and she smiled wistfully and traced the words with a slender bronze finger.

 

“My father read this to me. He translated it from Ravkan to Suli for me to understand. Clearly this book printed in kerch as well.” Inej spoke softly with such earnestness that Kaz thought his heart broke in half and mended in a matter of a split second. Kaz never thought… he never thought he would know anyone else who had read it. Jordie would have liked her. Kaz knew it now. Her eyes were glittering in the filtered morning sunlight and he saw a shimmer of gold catch in her irises.

“My father would ask me if I wanted to be like Rose, with beautiful gowns and win the heart of a powerful sorcerer. I always told him I’d rather be the sorcerer. I preferred pants. It always made him laugh.” Inej said as she opened the book back up to look at his crumbling deck box with withered yellowing cards inside. Kaz didn’t think he’d ever wanted to kiss her as badly as he did in this moment.

 

A suli sorceress indeed.

 

Inej squinted her eyes as she looked at the card box. Kaz couldn’t understand why. Then he realized, in the corner of the box, his younger self had carved his initials. Not a “K” and a “B”. A “K” and an “R”. He felt his skin warm. He felt his hands turn just slightly clammy. Kaz hadn’t told anyone alive today his real name. The only time he’d so much as spoken his given name was when they’d used his family name to swindle Jan Van Eck and the merchant council. None of his friends had known it was his family name that they had used as a false identity for Colm Fahey.  Kaz knew the question was coming but he still felt his gut twist when she whispered. Then she surprised him.

 

“K. R.?” Inej was looking up at him. Pure, uninhibited fear coursed through him. Kaz wanted to trust her with this, his conscious mind knew that. His subconscious railed with skittishness. Kaz bit his cheek but he nodded slowly.

 

“Like your tattoo.” Inej spoke as she touched the letters on his card box. She didn’t say it as a question. Inej had a look of someone who was only missing a few pieces in their near complete jigsaw puzzle. Inej gently placed the card box back into its space in the novel and delicately handed the book back to Kaz.

 

Inej hadn’t asked. Kaz could see the longing for answers in her eyes but she wanted him to speak now. Kaz could tell this was something she needed him to do for her, unprompted. Kaz forced himself to swallow the knots in his throat even though it felt like fire going down.

 

“Rietveld. It stands for Rietveld.” Kaz whispered, he knew his voice shook slightly. He couldn’t meet her gaze so he looked to his hands where he still held the book.

 

Inej mouthed the name as she stood, seemingly testing it in her mouth but without sound. Kaz set the book back on the shelf and forced himself to look at her. Inej was only about a foot away from him now. Kaz knew Inej must have connected the name right away to the cover for Colm Fahey but she didn’t seem to feel the need to remark on it. Kaz met her gaze and found there was a moment of her seemingly deciding on something of her own behind those beautiful windows to her mind. Inej smiled a different sort of smile then, it felt fiercely private. Only for them. Inej held out her hand in front of her.

 

“Inej Ghafa. No middle name for you to make fun of, I’m afraid.” Kaz realized she was introducing herself to him all over again. It cracked his armor and he smiled a genuine smile that seemed to be well acquainted with Inej already. Kaz looked to his bare hands, his gloves were still in the bathroom. Kaz didn’t need them though, not for this.

 

The gloves belong to Kaz Brekker. The hands belong to Kaz Rietveld.

 

            “Kaz Elias Rietveld. It’s a pleasure, Inej Ghafa.”

 

            Their bare hands clasped slowly, and Kaz reeled with revulsion for a minute. Then, Inej’s voice walked him back to dry land.

 

            “It’s an honor to know you, Kaz.”

Chapter 6: Shattered Pieces

Summary:

Inej is ready for her first job back in Ketterdam as the Wraith. What could go wrong? How deep do Inej's demons run? Kaz will find out.

Part Six to 'Dealing with Our Demons'.

Notes:

Part 6! This chapter really is special to me and I hope you all enjoy it. A warning, a little more angst than my previous chapters but with a good ending. This does mention the trauma Inej went through, though nothing explicit. Just a quick warning. As always, any comments, advice and feedback are welcome! And encouraged! Thank you to everyone who has continued to read, I appreciate each of you.

INEJ

 

Inej had decided to meet Kaz downstairs in his office after she had brought coffee to him in his room this morning. Kaz Rietveld.Inej smiled to herself as she scaled down the building, opting to use the front door to enter the Slat for once, lest they give the rest of the Dregs the wrong impression of her leaving his room at seven and a half bells in the morning after six months away. Inej didn’t particularly care what they would have assumed, but it was safer for both her and Kaz this way- who knew where there could be a leak, even in the Dregs.

 

Inej felt warm and confident as she made her way around the corner of the building, Kaz had trusted her with something new that she knew no one else had ever known. He was still Kaz Brekker, Dirtyhands, Bastard of the Barrel. But to Inej Ghafa, he was also Kaz Rietveld. His secret was stored safely within her chest.

 

When Kaz had voiced his real name aloud, Inej thought her heart had stopped. It was a close thing.

 

The only thing warring in Inej was how the Dregs would react to her return. Inej knew Rotty and Pim wouldn’t have a problem. Roeder wouldn’t either-hopefully. Though technically he was Kaz’s spider now, and Inej wasn’t intent on imposing on his position, she hoped he saw it that way. Anika had always respected Inej, though Inej knew that Anika did not particularly like her. It had to do with Anika always fluttering her eyelashes at Kaz and making sure her figure was easily in view. It didn’t bother Inej, Kaz was handsome. People looked at him all the time, and it seemed he either truly didn’t notice or he didn’t care whatsoever. Both options were completely believable where Kaz was concerned. It wasn’t like Inej had a claim to his affections anyways. Or did she? Inej was still a girl who had her insecurities, but she was also confident in herself in ways she never would have thought possible at the Menagerie. Something deep down in Inej’s soul told her she needn’t worry with Kaz. It was clear enough when Kaz said “we”.

 

We have an arrangement to work together.

 

Because that’s what We do. We never stop fighting.

 

Inej made her way to the front door of the Slat after taking a few minutes to herself around the corner to prepare for whatever was to come. Kaz said he would be calling others to join in their meeting as he had a job he wanted her on with them. Kaz had seen her skeptical brow raise and had assured her that she would want to be involved on this one. She took Dirtyhands’ word for it. Inej twisted the knob and entered the Slat. No one was in the foyer but she heard voices from Kaz’s office to her immediate right, the door was open. Inej silently stepped into the room to see Kaz at his desk with Anika standing on his right. Roeder was leaning casually against the wall and Rotty was seated in one of the chairs in front of Kaz’s desk.

 

“Wraith! Delightful to see you!” Rotty exclaimed with a toothy grin as he turned in her direction when she purposefully tapped on the door frame to make her presence known. Inej smiled at him with an inclination of her head. Rotty had helped all of them without question when Per Haskell was still technically in charge of the Dregs. Rotty was loyal to Kaz and Inej appreciated his comradery on multiple different occasions.

 

“Inej.” Roeder said simply from his position against the wall, though he had some lessons to brush up on regarding body language. He looked like he’d truly seen a ghost and it was etched into the dip of his shoulders and the downward cast of his eyes. Inej made note to tell him she was not gunning for her position back, nor was she above offering him advice. Inej really wasn’t sure what Kaz had mentioned to the Dregs surrounding her departure from the Slat six months prior. She would have to inquire into that, she noted. Inej simply raised her hand in a wave.

 

“Wraith.” Kaz spoke in his graveled rasp without looking up from the paper he was holding.

 

“Mr. Brekker.” Inej quipped back as she bit her tongue to keep from smiling. It felt like a reunion with Kaz in a different sense than yesterday.

 

The Wraith was reuniting with Dirtyhands as well.

 

 “Hello Wraith. Good of you to join us.” Anika finally said with a voice that dripped respect with a hint of poison. Anika subtly positioned herself closer to Kaz’s desk. Inej wanted to laugh, not out of cruelty, but it was a funny sight in some way. Inej was never a lieutenant in the Dregs and she was certainly not one now, that wasn’t the undertone to Anika’s voice, though. Inej knew this was Anika making a different sort of claim known. A claim on Kaz. The thought in itself was ridiculous. Kaz was not a territory dispute. Kaz was a human being who made choices just like anyone else. Inej would not rile Anika, her relationship with Kaz wasn’t something she needed to prove to herself or anyone else.

 

“Anika. Congratulations on your promotion.” Inej said simply as she opted for the other chair opposite Kaz’s desk. Inej sat down, aware that everyone was looking at her. Kaz finally flicked his gaze up to Inej quickly. She didn’t miss him trail the line of her with his eyes subtly. Inej crossed her leg over the other as she noted him swallow, his adams apple bobbed just so. No one else in the room seemed to notice that he had even looked up.

 

“Right. Well we all know the Wraith and she will be working in tandem with us on this one. Captain Ghafa has similar interests to our own on this job. We will also require her particular skill set.” Kaz spoke now, setting his papers aside. He rapped a gloved finger against his desk. Inej felt her heart flutter as he called her Captain Ghafa. So Kaz had not kept her new title secret from at least the most trusted members of the Dregs.

 

“What’s the mark?” Roeder piped up from behind Inej. Roeder was clearly smart enough not to make a fuss about her spider skills in front of Kaz. Smart boy.

 

“A mercher named Charles Hester who has been funneling tax-evaded funds to the slave trade to provide new skin to the Vixen’s Garden- the newer Pleasure House that has been rising in rep recently. Now, if a mercher has extra funds lying around, I say we go ahead and help him out and take it off his hands. Slaver’s don’t need the kruge. I’m sure we can put it to better use.” Kaz spoke with an air of confidence that Inej would never tire of hearing. Though she loved to hear him speak, her stomach still did an uncomfortable roll at the mention of the newest Pleasure House in Ketterdam.

 

Saints she hated those terrible false gilded palaces and their patrons.

 

“I second that,” muttered Rotty. Inej noticed the others nodding as well. Inej was already on board; Kaz had been right. Inej wanted in on this particular job. Kaz went on to explain that they would target the merchers home the day following at 10 bells in the evening assuming the reconnaissance that Inej herself would pick up this evening matched Roeder’s previously collected information.

 

Inej stood to take a look at the blue print sketch that was now laying on Kaz’s desk in front of him. She nodded sharply as the only confirmation that he needed that she could case the estate for information tonight. Kaz then pulled out a newspaper from his desk drawer and proceeded to begin unfolding it.

 

“This is the man, he’s in the banking sector, lives near the financial district. Makes for easy tax evasion, but obvious target for theft due to the fact he keeps the funds he smuggles in a safe within his own estate. Easy Pigeon.” Kaz remarked as he laid the paper on the desk in front of where Inej stood to display a sketch of a man being recognized in the financial section of the paper.  

 

No. No. No. No.

 

Inej felt like she was falling despite standing straight up. The wraith never falls. Inej felt her stomach twist inside of her and her heart beat at a rate that surely outpaced a Maker’s wheel at full tilt.

 

It was him. The man who smelled like vanilla. Inej’s worst nightmare in black ink on Kaz’s desk.

 

Will you cry, little Lynx?

 

Inej felt her spine dip just subtly. She backed up and hit the chair she had previously sat on. The noise careened in the room as loud as a Chapel’s bell. The wraith was silent. Always. Inej moved away from the chair. She felt eyes on her. Too many eyes. She wasn’t sure how she managed to keep her breathing even. Inej swallowed a scream. She couldn’t break here. Inej couldn’t break in front of the Dregs.

 

            “I will- I have to- sorry please excuse me.” Inej managed to ground out in her best imitation of unbreakable steel, as if she had just forgotten there was somewhere she needed to be. Inej wasn’t even sure she spoke kerch but it appeared she had as Rotty looked confused but nodded. Anika was looking down at the photo paying Inej no mind anymore. Inej couldn’t look at Kaz. Kaz couldn’t see this shame, this fear. Inej turned and left the room without a glance backwards and moved her feet as surely as possible to not raise alarm. Inej couldn’t break on the outside in the Barrel.

 

On the inside, Inej Ghafa shattered.

 

KAZ

 

            Something was wrong. Inej had made noise. Inej had hit a chair. Inej had looked normal but Kaz saw her shoulders dip. Inej had immaculate posture.

 

            Something was very wrong.

 

            Kaz had never seen Inej’s eyes look the way they just had. She had all but fled the room. No one else seemed concerned. Maybe a tad confused, Kaz hadn’t dismissed her. Kaz had let her go without a word from his mouth in the middle of a meeting. Kaz tried to shake the worry from his mind as he had always done. It didn’t work. Why wasn’t it working? Inej is the wraith, she’s perfectly fine.

 

A voice somewhere deep inside him screamed that he was an idiot beyond redemption. She was not perfectly fine.

 

            Kaz finished the meeting as Dirtyhands and gave them only the bare minimum facts they needed to know before the job actually began. When Roeder dared to ask why they needed another spider, Kaz let his glare speak in tones of promised bloodshed. He let his gesture with his cane to the door be the only dismissal they needed.

 

            Kaz didn’t know what to do with himself when the door to his office clicked shut and he was finally alone. Kaz ran a hand through his hair. He wracked his brain for what could have gone wrong with Inej. She was fine. Then she wasn’t.

 

Kaz let his gaze shift to the sketch in newsprint laid on his desk. The man, Charles Hester, was ruddy in the face, a jawline that proved he was a fan of the drink, a mustache that looked like an overgrown caterpillar lined his upper lip. He had beady eyes, Kaz noted. Was this what caused Inej to stumble? Kaz could come up with nothing else. Who was he? Kaz felt like he was very close to uncovering something, and then it clicked. This man frequented Pleasure Houses. He was funneling money to the slave trade.

 

Mr. Charles Hester would die painfully.

 

Kaz Brekker wanted to load his pistol, walk out of the barrel, point it at Charles Hester and then drag his bullet skewered head through the bright foyer of the Menagerie and leave blood stains to mark the occasion forever.

 

Kaz settled for opening his drawer and taking a very long swig of bourbon. Kaz would do nothing irrational even as his gloved hands itched with the temptation of violence. If Kaz was right, he would not take that justice from Inej- if she wanted it. Kaz wasn’t positive.

 

Inej. Inej came first.

 

Kaz folded up the blue prints of the estate, grabbed some sheets of numbers he needed to evaluate and his pen. He placed them in his inner jacket pocket carefully and straightened his tie as he stood.

 

Kaz was going on a wraith hunt.

 

Kaz had left the Slat without a word to anyone. The Dregs knew better than to question him. That was two hours ago. Kaz had gone to the Van Eck estate first, Jesper and Wylan had been out, but the maid Elena let him in to see if Inej was there, though she assured him that Miss Ghafa had not returned. That meant nothing, Inej needed no doors opened for her. Kaz next checked the Chapel that Inej had once mentioned held her favorite view. It killed his leg and the climb was awkward with his cane, but he had done it anyways. The climb had proved unfruitful.

 

Kaz had one more idea. The Wraith. As in, the ship. Inej had been back for one saints damned day and this city already spit at her. Kaz found himself mentally praying to the saints that her berth was still claimed. Kaz found himself secretly praying Inej would not decide that this day was enough and call her crew to leave and never return. Kaz would not blame her if she did just that. Maybe this would be the saint’s retribution on Kaz Brekker. To grant him one day with her. To grant him one hug. Then send her away from Ketterdam forever. Away from him.

 

Kaz felt panic gripping his crooked heart as he made his way to the docks.

 

The sky had turned gray and the clouds held the promise of tears. The first drop hit Kaz’s new hat as he finally set foot on the docks. It was dim despite the early afternoon hour. Kaz began to walk towards her ship which was thankfully in its berth. Kaz spied a lone burly figure leaning against the rail right next to berth twenty-two. As Kaz neared, he realized it was Specht, puffing away on a pipe. Kaz froze. Kaz trusted Specht as much as he trusted any loyalty-proven member of the Dregs, but he didn’t know what this looked like. If Inej had shown her face here, upset, and Kaz came to see her… it looked intimate.

 

“Don’t worry, I saw nothing.” Specht said in a gruff tone as he turned to look at Kaz. Kaz froze but kept his expression completely neutral, he was planning to quip that he was here to deliver ship manifests regarding the trade of slaves for Inej, but Specht continued.

 

“She reminds me of my daughter. She died, you know. And I can’t say that I know much about you Brekker, but you gave me a life after my discharge from service. A different sort of life. But a life none the less. So I didn’t see you, Boss. I’m Dregs on land and I’m crew on the sea.” Specht turned his head and took a long drag from his pipe.

 

 Kaz didn’t know Specht had a daughter. Dirtyhands wouldn’t have cared. Kaz was surprised to find he trusted Specht. His admission that Inej reminded him of his own daughter seemed like loyalty Kaz had never expected. It was true that Kaz had helped Specht, though help was a very strong word for their line of work. Kaz nodded sharply, words were not needed here and Inej was on board it seemed. Kaz needed to see her for himself. Now.

 

Kaz made his way up the lowered gangplank and immediately cast his eyes upward, expecting Inej to have sought the crow’s nest, nearer to the sky. He could see she clearly was not there.

 

If Inej had not sought the sky, something was very, very wrong.

 

Kaz walked to the door of Inej’s captain’s quarters. He tapped his cane on it gently.

 

“I told you I’m fine Specht. I just need some time.” Inej’s voice came from the other side of the door. Her voice sounded small enough to match her frame, which was not how it should sound. Inej’s voice when she spoke was always that of confidence. She did not sound that way now.

“It’s Kaz.” He spoke in what he hoped came off as a gentle tone in his voice. Kaz had never comforted anyone. Ever.

 

“I’ll be back for recon, tonight. I promise.” Inej said in response. Kaz hadn’t considered she would think that’s why he was here. To make sure she came back to do her job. Kaz hated himself in that moment. He hated that he’d led her to believe that, whether it had been out of necessity or not. He would never say that aloud.

 

“Didn’t ask.” Kaz quipped. Inej was silent for a small eternity.

 

“Come in.” Inej finally spoke. Kaz opened the door and saw she had lit every candle at her disposal to brighten the small room, with the only daylight a small window that filtered the already stormy light. Kaz looked around to see Inej sat on the ground, her knees drawn up to her chest, her forehead rested on her knees. She did not look up at him. Kaz immediately turned around and walked out of the room.

 

Kaz returned less than five minutes later to find Inej in the same position, and as he closed the door, she did look up.

 

“I thought you left. Where did you go?” Inej asked quietly as she rested her head back down to face her lap.

 

“I requested something of Specht.” Kaz said as he slipped his hat and jacket off. Kaz had already made decisions about today when he saw Inej folded in on herself on the floor. Kaz was about to fold his jacket over a chair near her door when he saw a small shiver run over Inej’s spine. It had begun raining now and he noticed her window was open.

 

Kaz didn’t think, he acted.

 

Kaz gently laid his jacket over Inej’s shoulders and almost made to close the window but he figured maybe she wanted the fresh air. He heard Inej’s breath hitch and he almost thought maybe he shouldn’t have set his coat on her, but then he saw her bronze hands pull it closer around her and she didn’t look up. Inej had never looked like this in front of Kaz. He wanted to take every single pound of burden off her shoulders and carry it on his own. Kaz wanted to murder her demons in a slow and painful way that made Oomen look like he got off easy. Kaz moved to her side, with a good foot of distance between them. He sat down next to her, his back against her bed.

 

Kaz pulled out his Crow Club numbers and his pen and began to look them over, using his good knee as a desk with his bad leg stretched in front of him.

 

INEJ

Inej inhaled Kaz’s scent over and over again.

 

Kaz. Kaz is here. I’m not in the Menagerie. Kaz got me out. Kaz will get me out again.

 

 Warmth began to return to her body as she huddled under Kaz’s jacket. Inej heard Kaz sit down. She heard a ruffle of papers and after a moment she shifted her head sideways on her knees to look at him. Kaz was scribbling something on his papers that were resting on his knee. Inej had no idea what he was doing.

 

“What are you doing?” Inej asked quietly.

 

“Working.” Kaz said with a flick of his gaze in her direction.

 

“On your knee?” Inej questioned as she felt a warm flutter in her stomach. She was still in hell and every other moment she thought she might vanish again, but Kaz was here.

 

“I need to run the barrel, Inej darling, but it doesn’t have an explicit rule about being chained to a desk.” Kaz quipped as he scribbled another note. Inej felt a small smile return to her face as she listened to the soft scratch of his pen in the candlelight.

 

“And when you’re ready to talk about it, I’ll… I’ll be here.” Kaz’s voice of stone came from beside her. Inej felt her heart slow just slightly in the best way.

 

“When?” Inej quipped. Kaz turned his dark eyes to her fully now. They were beautiful.

 

“Without armor, wraith. When.” Kaz turned back to his notes. He had her there.

Without armor went both ways, it both scared her and ignited her. She would tell him. Just… just not right this second. Kaz was here. Kaz Brekker was being patient with her the way she had been patient countless times. Even just this morning as he told her his real name.

 

Thank you, Saints, for everything that is Kaz. For Rietveld, For Dirtyhands. For everything in every shade of gray between the two.

 

Inej scooted closer to Kaz and finally lifted her head as her shoulder brushed his, she laid her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. He only tensed for a second before she heard him resume his work.

 

Sometime later, Specht dropped off waffles, her favorite ravkan chocolates, and a hot tea with honey. Inej knew now what Kaz had requested from Specht. It had nothing to do with business. Kaz had requested her favorite things.

 

Someday you will meet a boy who will learn your favorite flower, your favorite song, your favorite sweet. And even if he is too poor to give you any of them, it won’t matter because he has taken the time to know you as no one else does.

 

On the inside, Inej picked up her shattered pieces.

Chapter 7: Don't give up

Summary:

Inej has to drop her armor. How will Kaz react to Inej's demons?

Notes:

Hi guys! Part Seven! Just a quick warning, this chapter deals a lot with Inej's personal trauma so it's obviously a little bit more angsty with the heavy subject matter. Just wanted to make sure anyone who might struggle with that had warning. I hope you love it! Feedback and comments are very much appreciated. Thank you to every one of you who has read and for all the support!

INEJ

 

Inej woke up to a nearly pitch dark room, save for a single lantern lit on her desk in her captain’s quarters. Inej couldn’t recall when exactly she had fallen asleep, but sometime around seven or eight bells she guessed, as she remembered watching the sunset through her small window behind her desk from her bed. Inej had spent most of the day in silence while she waged war in herself-with Kaz. She sipped tea and munched on waffles and he worked. Inej remembered moving from the ground to her bed at some point, with Kaz still sitting on the floor with his back to her. She had laid on her side and watched him scrawl numbers over his shoulder and when the panic seeped back into her every now and then, she had placed her hand on his shoulder, careful not to brush his skin on his neck. It was a gesture to remind herself Kaz was still there.

 

Kaz would always reach up with his free hand and squeeze hers gently. Inej valued their silent language as much as she valued their spoken words.

 

Kaz. The job. Recon. She promised him she would go. Inej sat up with a start, knowing Kaz was probably long gone.How long had she slept?

 

Inej rubbed sleep from her eyes only to realize Kaz was at her desk, wearing his scheming face and looking down at the blue prints of the estate of the man.Their mark. Charles Hester. A shiver ran up her spine. Kaz was still here. Kaz was still here.

 

“Kaz, how long did I sleep? Is it not past ten bells? I should be out there and-“

 

“Its two bells Inej. And no. No you shouldn’t be.” Kaz’s rasp cut her off. Inej was confused, the job… she was supposed to spider tonight. Many bells ago. Kaz never put off jobs. Perhaps he’d asked Roeder to have a second look? No. That didn’t make sense, Kaz knew she was the best. She should be out there; her personal problems had never stood in the way of a job before.

 

“You could have woken me. I could have gone. The Dregs knew I was supposed to go.” Inej said simply as she swung her legs over the side of the bed.

 

“I left earlier tonight and informed them that the job was on hold due to the fact that Charl- the mark, may have moved funds around to another vault. Recon will be conducted tomorrow evening instead so I could go over the estate plans more carefully and plan accordingly.” Kaz said as he squinted at the plans laid on the desk in front of him and traced something with a glove clad finger.

 

“How did you find that out?” Inej asked as she stood and stretched her arms above her. She noticed Kaz’s gaze flick up at her movement and trace her form. Inej wanted to shrink into herself. Inej also wanted Kaz to come to her and hold her. She didn’t know what she wanted more. Inej had trouble organizing the war between her conscious self that was pleased that Kaz always looked, Kaz who wouldn’t so much as touch her arm without a question in his eyes; and the part of herself who had shrunk from the eyes of so many men she didn’t even recall why anyone would want to be anything but invisible.

 

That’s how her demons danced, they waltzed until the beat dropped and she didn’t know whether to sway with them or run.

 

“I didn’t.” Kaz mumbled.

 

“You pushed the job, not because of new information. But you pushed it anyways.” Inej mumbled with a tone of disbelief. She realized she still had Kaz’s jacket on. She had slipped her arms through his much too long sleeves hours ago, shielding her hands from sight. Kaz had left without it in the cold. Kaz had come back. Her heart fluttered like a birds wing. It meant everything to her. Inej then realized she hadn’t had a single nightmare as she slept.

 

 Kaz had chased away all the monsters. It made sense. After all, didn’t he have the biggest teeth?

 

“Yes.” Kaz said as he ran a hand through his hair and leaned back in the chair to look up at her. Inej nodded slowly as she met his gaze, she saw nothing in his eyes to suggest he regretted the decision. Inej made up her mind then. Inej wasn’t sure how to do it entirely, but she wanted Kaz to know what had happened to her today. She wanted him to know what happened to her swathed in silk in a gold barred cage with an awful man years ago. Kaz had been delicate. Kind. Inej had asked for his armor, and Inej needed to hand over some of her own in return. The deal is the deal.

 

“Will you take a walk with me? Just… just on the ship.” Inej asked as she looked to the floor. Inej couldn’t be inside right now. Inej needed fresh air. She felt her stomach unsettle as spiders of anxiety careened their threads along her spine. Kaz looked at her intently for a moment before he nodded and stood, leaving his papers on her desk. As Inej turned to leave she realized she would not make him stand in the cold with only his suit jacket, she reluctantly shrugged out of his coat and turned and handed it to him. She immediately felt colder both externally and internally. Kaz took it gently and pulled it on as Inej grabbed an extra shawl her parents had brought her from her trunk near her bed. She wrapped it around her shoulders and missed Kaz’s warm scent.

 

Inej and Kaz walked silently to the prow of her ship, the only noise was the lap of the harbor waves and the tap of Kaz’s cane. The ship was empty, Inej suspected that Specht had left under Kaz’s order. Inej came to the rail and stopped to look down at the water kissing the ship delicately, reflecting dancing puddles of moonlight. Kaz came to stand beside her and Inej remembered a time they had stood on another ship, under the same moon. On that night, Inej had told Kaz she would have him without armor or not at all. Kaz had taken it to heart. It seemed fitting that now Inej would be the one to let her armor clang to the ground under that same moon.

 

Saints, let me be able to do this.

 

Kaz was waiting for her to speak, she could see it in his eyes when he kept glancing over at her. It seemed he was making sure she would not run. Inej would not run from him.

 

“I… I want to tell you a story.” Inej stammered as she looked out and up to the still partially clouded sky. She released a puff of air and gripped her hands to the rail to ground herself.

 

“Go on.” Kaz rasped as he leaned his cane against the ship. Inej had spoken those same words to him once. Finish the story.

 

“When I was in the Menagerie, I was held to certain standards by Tante Heleen. She…expected you to be the product that was paid for. For saint’s sake, you saw me. I had to get those ridiculous spots painted on every day…” Inej began with a shiver. Inej trailed a hand down her braid and took a steeling breath. “If there was a hint dropped by a client that… that a girl seemed unwilling to do what was paid for… it generally ended in a slap or worse. I told you as much once… it was a delicate balance. Far harder than a wire I’ve ever walked. So when I realized I truly could be sold to anyone… any man she deemed to have enough kruge on the street…. I decided to learn.” Inej’s voice shook. She felt her spine drooping. She settled to grip harder on the railing. Inej couldn’t look at Kaz. Not now. She needed to keep going before she vanished.

 

“I learned to look the part. I learned to walk with a sway to my hips. I learned to let my hands wander in false admiration for anyone she sent my way. I learned to cry privately when I was supposed to be sleeping in the day and never during the night.  I learned…. I learned what noises to make and when. I learned to let go of the fact that every single first was taken from me by force. My first kiss was the hardest to let go of. I made my own peace with it, you see. I let go of Inej Ghafa, I let her die every night with cheap silk tied in a noose around her neck. I let the lynx take over.” Inej paused as her throat tightened. She couldn’t stop now even as phantom hands pulled her into a bed of sweaty sheets in her mind.

 

“I learned to vanish completely. I no longer felt what was being done to my body, I just… floated away. My mind was the only place I was invisible. There was no one but me there, but perhaps that was best, I remember thinking. A thousand hoarded memories of the sky, of kind smiles, and a broken suli girl. I liked that company better than the reality of whichever man thought my flesh warranted a night off. It worked. Until one night perhaps a few months before we met.” Inej felt her knuckles turning white on the railing. She felt like she could break it. Her eyes were watering and Inej did not want to cry. Inej didn’t want this shame to pull her into darkness. Inej needed… she needed to look at Kaz. Inej turned her head and found him looking at her directly. Rage flickered in his eyes but it was a flame that was wrapped in a calm light of gentleness that Inej hadn’t seen before. Kaz was gripping the head of his cane now in gloved hands, but she was certain his knuckles were as tight as hers. He blinked in her silence, his eyes urging her to finish, to share this with him.

 

“The man paid twice what Tante Heleen asked as my rate to reserveme for the entire evening.” Inej let out a furious laugh as she wiped her silver streaked eyes furiously with the back of a hand. If the waves could continue to kiss the ship, Inej could continue her path.

 

“I never learned his name back then. He had this awful glint in his eyes. A profound wickedness I’ve to this day never seen the likes of again. He took me to my room with a forceful arm on my waist. I was prepared to fulfill what was expected of me. I’d leave my body and he’d be none the wiser that a lynx puppet was all he was toying with. He smelled of vanilla. It… it was so strong I thought I would never want something sweet again. He had this disgusting mustache that he kept stroking away from his mouth. It made me want to skin off his face. I’d done this dance before, you understand. Men old enough to be my father twice over, young handsome merchers who thought they would rule the world and my skin was a vice like any other. Sometimes they thought it made it better by saying ‘just enough to take the edge off’ like the pigment in my skin resembled whiskey enough that they couldn’t tell the difference.” Inej shivered violently and she was vaguely aware that tears fell down her face now. She couldn’t stop them, the girl she once was had pulled the lever and released the dam. Inej heard Kaz take a deep breath. Inej couldn’t meet his eyes, she would crumble.

 

“He ripped my silks. Tante Heleen took extra interest on my indenture for that later, with a bonus of a slap across the face. He crawled over me with this sickly slowness and I knew what was coming next- or at least I thought I did. Then the man spoke. He… he told me he recognized me, that he’d been in the audience in one of my family’s shows in Ravka while on business there. I’d been a child, an acrobat, he said he wanted me then, Kaz. He… he remembered me.” Inej was shuddering violently now, her words choking on every other syllable. Tears kept falling silently.

 

Inej had to finish the story, she had to go on.

 

“Once he saw my face, he smiled. He kept me pinned in place. He asked me if I would cry. I couldn’t vanish that night. I felt every sinful thing he did to me. I felt it when he… when he pulled my hair. When he slapped my skin. He took anything he wanted from me and relished in my tears. I felt all of it. I couldn’t leave my body and my own mind had abandoned me there alone. I thought that was the night Inej Ghafa truly died. I thought… I thought that I was gone forever. I was nothing but skin and silk and the mist of a soul that once was. My Saints were far from reach. My family, my home, my freedom… it was all the memory of a dead girl. I didn’t know Inej Ghafa lived anymore until I… until I spoke four words I hadn’t been expecting to; months later.”

 

I can help you.

 

“After… after that night, I couldn’t look at myself in a mirror. I was terrified of my reflection. I didn’t want to face her. I convinced myself I would see the bruises he left on my neck, my chest… everywhere. Even after they were long faded, I felt those hands. I felt like I wanted to burn my flesh from my bones and inhale the smoke until I forgot the scent of vanilla. I was…empty. I held on though, somewhere deep inside me, I think. I remember that I had one thought, so often it was like a mantra. It was a suli phrase that in kerch roughly means ‘I miss someone I do not yet know.’ I remember when I realized that maybe some part of the girl I once was survived if I could think such a thought. I clung tight to that small piece, I didn’t know what to do with it-where that piece once fit, but I wondered if I’d see the sun again.” Inej paused, she closed her eyes against her tears and continued in a whisper.

 

 “Then, I spoke to you. I don’t to this day know why I did, Kaz. I don’t know if it was because I felt brave or because you didn’t seem interested in any of the women there, much to their dismay. Or, if it was because I’d heard Tante Heleen curse your name. I figured if she hated you and yet she couldn’t touch you, perhaps you were doing something right. I wanted… I wanted… I wanted help. So I offered mine in return. I don’t know what that girl was offering. It wasn’t my flesh. It wasn’t my skills, I hadn’t touched a blade, or killed a man. It couldn’t have been my mind. So I guess I offered that single piece of Inej Ghafa that remained, as tarnished and broken as it was, and prayed to the saints it would be enough. Enough for someone to see me, Inej, behind a mask of silk.” Inej finished. She couldn’t believe she’d forced the words out. Kaz was silent beside her for a moment.

 

“It was enough, Inej. I saw you.”

 

KAZ

 

            Kaz Brekker wanted to decimate everything Charles Hester ever found joy in. Kaz wanted to take his intestines and wrap them in cheap silk, then use it as a noose around his neck until his eyes popped out. Kaz wanted to burn his home to the ground and kiss Inej on the pile of ashes and

 

 And never stop kissing her until the whole world was ashes around them.

 

Kaz wanted to tell her that he would kill him, without a thought. No revenge would take away what happened to her. She had been a child. She had everything taken from her. The world had made closeness to other human beings elusive to her. Inej was far more like Kaz than he’d even known. Kaz had felt sick, deep in his bones, the entire time she spoke. Kaz knew now that the words she spoke in the bathroom, many months ago, ‘it’s not easy for me either’ were far more true than he could’ve even wrapped his mind around; despite knowing what she had been forced to survive in the Menagerie. This was far worse than he even knew. Kaz hadn’t known what her words would do to him.

 

 Inej had cried, she had cried and she was still beautiful. Kaz had wanted to wipe those tears away but he couldn’t, she needed to finish her story. Those tears needed to come, they were her battle scars, hard won. Charles Hester was on par with Pekka Rollins and Tante Heleen now.

 

Kaz would end them, even if he ended the world with them. Brick by brick, it would be done and he’d take Inej along with him as long as she’d have him.

 

“I… Please say something.” Inej said now as she looked at her hands still gripping the rail of the ship.

 

Kaz hadn’t realized he’d been plotting Charles Hester’s murder and left her in silence. Kaz felt raw. He felt unhinged and rage was coursing through his body, but now wasn’t the time for it. Inej needed him, now. There was a time where Dirtyhands would have never even been here to hear her speak. She’d be alone or on the job reeling from demons that clung themselves to her. Kaz wouldn’t be that man again with Inej, never with her. Not after this, not after all of it.

 

“You can guess that I’ve already compiled about seven extremely violent and colorful ways in which to murderhim, Inej. You… you don’t know how much I’d give to kill him right now. But I, I need you to know that… that I’m sorry.” Kaz spoke finally, his throat tying unusual knots on an apology long overdue.

 

“What are you sorry for?” Inej asked, finally looking at him. Inej’s eyes were filled with a bitter sorrow, but somewhere near her irises, he found hope. A pure and small light that had returned.

 

“If I’d been a better man, I would have known and cared what was happening to girls like you in those places. If I had been the type of man you needed, I would have been there sooner.” Kaz spoke words that had been buried in his chest for a very, very long time now. Words he didn’t think he’d ever have the courage to speak to Inej, even with the new waters they had been treading since after the auction. Kaz gripped his cane tighter. Inej looked thoughtful.

 

Kaz had nothing but violence, healed-wrong parts of a soul and a terrible apology to offer her. But he’d give every last thing he had to hear her laugh again.

 

“It is not my place to forgive that, Kaz. You have to forgive yourself for that. You must be able to say Mati en sheva yeluto yourself. It’s an apology and a promise.” Inej said softly as she looked at him square on.

 

“I will add it to the list, Inej. The list of things I must first learn how to say then learn the meaning of. You’ve given me quite the list of proverbs, these years, Inej.” Kaz said, though he knew she was right. Inej laughed an impossibly small laugh, but it was enough. All of Inej was always more than enough. Far better than he deserved. Kaz took a breath and told her what every part of his wicked heart screamed.

 

“You were always enough, Inej. Far more than that actually. Stronger than a blade made of grisha steel. You know that. I want you to know that I know it, too. And from today on, as in many days since passed, we’ll fight our way out. Together.Don’t vanish from me, Wraith. Don’t stop fighting. Please.” Kaz spoke without his barriers. Inej needed to hear these words again. Inej had to know he’d heard her. Kaz spoke without armor. Inej had to know, she had to know what he meant.

 

Don’t give up on us, ever. Damn the demons.

 

“Knives drawn, pistols blazing.” Inej whispered and she rolled her shoulders back up.

 

Inej was ready to fight for them.

 

Chapter 8: Take me home

Summary:

Kaz learns what home means to Inej. Can Kaz go home too?

Part eight to 'Dealing with Our Demons'.

Notes:

Part 8! I wanted to bring a lighter chapter out now, after the heavy subject matter in the last one. I hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I loved writing it! Thank you for the continual support, and as always, all comments, advice and feedback are welcomed! Thank you again, it means so much to me.

KAZ

 

            Mist had started clouding up the deck of the ship where Kaz Brekker stood next to Inej Ghafa. They must have stood there for some time, in a comfortable silence that always came easy to them. Kaz knew he needed to sleep; he had hardly slept the night prior in between Inej’s return and the work he’d had to catch up on. Kaz also knew he should sleep in preparation for the next few nights, where the job would most definitely not allow for much rest. Kaz hated that he had to sleep, he knew he could push for days on end, he had countless times, until his body had collapsed from exhaustion. There was a rational part of his brain that knew it was not good for his health, and he schemed best when he’d at least caught a few hours of rest. His time piece showed it was a quarter past three bells. Kaz did not want to leave Inej.

 

            “I napped and yet I’m tired. I hate that the past months on the sea are catching up to me.” Inej spoke softly from next to him. Did the wraith read minds too?

 

“Mm.” Kaz mumbled. He didn’t want to stop her from getting her rest. He should leave. He should return to the Slat right now. He knew that none of the Dregs would even note his absence if he did not, his door was always locked. That wasn’t his concern. Kaz didn’t want to go back to the Slat when Inej was here.

 

“I guess I should go back to Wylan and Jesper’s. I don’t want to.” Inej said softly, he noticed she was absently rubbing the spot on her arm that previously held the tattoo from the Menagerie. Inej was still reeling from her run in with her past today, Kaz could tell. Frankly, Kaz was still reeling from everything she had shared with him. He didn’t want her to face it alone, even though that was exactly what Kaz Brekker had always expected of everyone to do, especially himself. It was a strange realization that Kaz had no idea what to do with. Perhaps Inej wanted to be alone, maybe that was how her demons functioned, it would make sense. A different voice flared up inside him, she wanted you with her today.

 

“Why not?” Kaz found himself asking, despite his twisting and revolving thoughts.

 

“I… don’t want to be alone. I know that Wy and Jes are there, I know that. I just… that house is wonderful, I appreciate it immensely. But tucking myself into a bed large enough for five of me, it sounds…. sounds like somewhere I’ve been before. I don’t think…. I don’t want to do that now.” Inej was looking to the sky. Kaz noted the small bloom of flush on her face, whether from the cold or her admission, he wasn’t sure.

 

“Do you want to stay here?” Kaz asked as he twisted his cane in his hands.

 

“I want to be at home.” Inej said without missing a beat. She looked almost surprised at her words, like they had spilled out without her permission. Where was Inej speaking of? This ship? The caravans of her people, with her parents? Kaz wouldn’t be able to take her there, but perhaps if it was where she wanted to go, he could let her go. His heart constricted in his chest.

 

No, she just got back. I just got her back.

 

“Where is that, Inej?” Kaz asked as he tried to meet her eyes. Inej looked at him now with a thoughtfulness in her eyes.

 

“It’s not a place, Kaz. Home is not a place in the ways of my people. Home is the people. Your tribe. Where you wish to be most when you are so happy you feel like the sun is shining only for you, or when you are so despairing that you are sure the Ocean churns on your tears alone. Home is where you feel the most like you, the most valued. Home is the center bullseye of a target where your arrow has struck true.” Inej spoke with such conviction, such sureness that Kaz was sure she knew where- who- that was for her. Kaz was certain she meant her family now, she had to. He remembered her tears of elation the day he had brought them back to her.

 

“If you have to go…. I understand. I’ll… I’ll help you make plans to depart sooner.” Kaz said, though his voice shook. He wasn’t sure he could do it, but he’d damn well try if it made her happy. Kaz didn’t know how he’d survive it, he was supposed to have weeks with her, before her next departure, but he’d survive if it meant there was a chance she might return yet again. Kaz looked at her now, and she was smiling and it looked like she was suppressing a laugh. He didn’t understand. Had he missed something? Kaz raised a brow at her and her smile softened.

 

“Kaz, I’m home now. That’s what I meant.” Inej spoke gently, and she reached out and took one of his gloved hands in hers and cradled his hand so gently, like she wanted him to feel her warmth through his leather clad hand. “Kaz I meant I want to stay where you are, tonight. If that’s even possible.”

 

Kaz hadn’t considered… Kaz had miscalculated. Kaz’s scheming, thieving brain had failed him yet again when it came to his wraith. She meant him. Inej had not called Ketterdam, Ravka, or the sea her home.

Inej had called Kaz Brekker her home.

 

It felt like a gift he had never expected to receive. Kaz knew she deserved so much more, but he couldn’t bring himself to hand it back. He didn’t understand.

 

Inej was the most challenging lock he’d ever tried to pick.

 

It was like his heart had floated to the surface of the canal water within his chest for the first time in almost a decade.

 

Kaz turned his hand to squeeze hers as he met her gaze. Kaz dropped her hand without letting hold of the tether to her eyes. He slipped off his glove and pocketed it quickly. He took a deep breath and reached out and took her hand in his now bare one. Holding her hand was getting easier, he still felt nausea roll in his stomach and he had a flash of bloated skin cut across his line of sight, but her eyes, her eyes helped. He watched her lips quirk in a small grin and he saw her eyelashes flutter once. The water receded as he felt her hesitate before she rubbed a small circle with her thumb on the back of his hand. It felt pleasant. New. All of this was new and Kaz… Kaz only wanted more. He wanted every new moment he could get with Inej, and he’d relish in every single thing he could slip past his brother’s ghost and his prying demons eyes. Perhaps, Inej’s touch would be his exception. Kaz didn’t think he’d ever wanted something more in his life. Kaz wanted Inej more than he’d ever wanted revenge, Kaz wanted Inej more than Kruge.

 

After all, Inej was gold. What kind of a thief would he be if he didn’t at least try and find a way to protect that kind of treasure?

 

Kaz wasn’t sure what he was doing, but he couldn’t stop as he raised their hands and brushed his lips in a feather light kiss against her knuckles. His lips buzzed with electricity, and desire washed through his abdomen, her eyes held all the water at bay. Inej’s saints had granted him this and he would thank them on his hands and knees if he were any other man. Inej had stilled for only a moment before he saw a smile, a beautiful brilliant smile break across her lips. Kaz would swim the harbor a million times over to relive that smile every day for the rest of his unworthy life.

 

Kaz knew then that he was not able to deny her wish to be at home. He’d make it work. After all, improvisation was what he was best at. Change the rules when they didn’t suit your goal. Kaz wasn’t sure his vocal chords would still work, but he managed to ground out the question he had.

 

“Ship or Slat?” Kaz rasped.

 

“Either.” Inej said with her eyes on their still clasped hands. Kaz vaguely recalled Jesper complaining long ago about how women never seemed to make decisions easy when it came to trivial things, it had been one of his arguments about how he preferred dating men. Kaz almost laughed now. Inej was still a girl. Deadly, beautiful, and dangerous in every way. Also indecisive. Kaz would not make her choose though. It was late and they were already here.

 

“Ship it is. My leg will thank me with slightly less annoyance in the morning.” Kaz mused.

 

Inej nodded once and turned to walk back to her quarters. She did not let go of his hand, they matched each other’s steps as they walked. Kaz felt his muscles twitch in a smile as he walked beside his wraith, hand in hand.

 

INEJ

 

            Kaz had kissed her hand. Inej couldn’t believe it, her mind had to be playing tricks on her. Kaz hadn’t looked sick and scared the way he had when he’d first ever touched her skin in the hotel bathroom. Sure, she’d still noticed how he seemingly unknowingly took a deep breath, how he squinted his eyes slightly. It was the way he looked when he was running numbers for the club, it was his concentration face. Inej found she liked that face almost as much as scheming face. Both were outranked by pleasantly surprised Kaz face, though. That was the look Kaz had on his face after he’d successfully brushed his lips to her skin without drowning. Inej sent a silent prayer of thanks to every saint listening.

 

            Inej and Kaz made their way into her cabin, and she let go of his hand with a twinge of sadness at the loss of connection to his skin. Shrugging out of her shawl, Inej walked to her desk and fumbled for a match and began to light her candles on her bedside table. She felt Kaz’s eyes on her, even as he draped his coat over her desk chair and laid his gloves on the desk. Inej had not thought about the logistics of this arrangement, but it didn’t matter. Kaz had decided to stay because she asked.

 

Inej was home.

 

“I can stay on the chair if you’d prefer, since I slept some earlier.” Inej found herself saying, though she knew what she wanted. She had a small bed, but it was big enough for the two of them. She only wanted to sleep next to him, and she would keep the distance between them, she was grateful for her small frame in that moment. Inej would not push Kaz’s boundaries though, if he couldn’t do that, it was still enough that he was here. They would get there eventually, if Inej had anything to say about it. She would be happy that he just shared the room with her, but he would not sleep on the chair. His options were the bed or the bed with her in it. Inej knew he needed rest.

 

            “No.” Kaz’s deep voice came with his back to her by the desk. His tie joined his coat on the back of her chair. Inej wasn’t entirely sure what he meant about the arrangement, but he’d show her when he was ready. Inej busied herself with moving to her bedside table, where she began her routine of disarming her blades. She slipped Sankt Petyr and Sankta Alina from their spots on her forearms, laying them gently on the table. Next she removed her brass knuckles from her belt. Inej felt Kaz’s eyes on her again. She began to unclasp the sheath that held Sankta Lizabeta when she heard Kaz move behind her. Kaz stopped beside her and met her eyes. His pupils were slightly widened but his breathing was even. He watched her intently as he sat down on her bed, and Inej felt herself flush. She was not taking off her clothes, but this felt intimate and baring in another way. Inej never removed her blades in the same room as another person. Inej trusted Kaz, she had known this for years. This was another level of that trust being displayed to him and she sensed that he knew that. Inej finished the latches on Sankta Lizabeta and was about to lay the blade down, but Kaz held out his hand from his perch on her bed. Inej stole a glance at him and he simply pushed his hand an inch further into the air. Inej understood what he wanted.

 

            Inej handed him her blade and she watched as he delicately placed it in line with her others. They followed the same pattern with the blades on her thighs, and Sankt Vladimir at her ankle in her boot. Inej knew she would sleep completely clothed as would Kaz, but her hair was normally left unbound as she slept. Inej turned from Kaz and went to her small dresser in the corner for a spare hair brush she had left onboard. When Inej turned around, she found Kaz had moved back on her bed to make room for Inej to sit beside him. Inej slipped her leather strip from the end of her braid as she silently sat beside him. She began dismantling her braid and she saw Kaz’s fingers twitch in their place in his lap. No words were needed, Inej would offer what he wanted to him and if he took the opportunity, well that was up to him. Inej held out her hairbrush handle first to Kaz, as she had done with her blades.

 

            Kaz looked at her brush, then back to her face and back to the brush. He clasped the handle and jutted his chin for her to turn around. Inej brought her legs onto the bed and crossed them beneath her, with her back to Kaz. She felt his fingers graze her hair first, with such reverence as he undid the remaining plaits near her scalp, then she felt the brush begin to move through her hair on her back slowly. Inej was generally fairly rough with her hair, but Kaz seemed to think it a breakable thing. She smiled to herself as he continued his work. Kaz brushed her hair for longer than was necessary, it was a soothing thing. Inej’s mother was the only other person to have brushed her hair. Inej felt her eyelids drooping with the promise of sleep.

            Kaz tapped her shoulder once and she opened her eyes as she took the hairbrush from him. Inej stood and placed it back on her dresser. She felt blood returning to her scalp now that her braid was free and Inej wanted nothing more than to curl up and sleep. Inej wanted Kaz there too.

 

Most things Inej Ghafa wanted included Kaz Brekker. Kaz Rietveld.

 

Inej turned back to see Kaz was laying down now, an arm behind his head. Inej was amused by the sight of his socked feet hanging slightly off the bed that was far too long for her. Inej made her way to the foot of the bed and looked at him, a question in her eyes. Kaz responded by simply reaching over and taking the corner of the blanket of the side she would sleep on and holding it up for her. She knew now that he would sleep in the bed with her, with her beneath the covers and him above them. It was a curious idea but it would make sure she did not brush his skin as she slept, despite their clothing covered bodies. Kaz was taking extra precautions. Inej didn’t mind whatsoever if it meant he’d be close by.

 

Inej kicked off her boots and climbed over the bed and laid beneath the covers, keeping as much distance between herself and Kaz as possible. Inej laid on her side with her back pressed to the wall, she found she was still comfortable. Kaz must have sensed her eyes on his face because he rolled from his back to his side to face her, pillowing his head on the same arm as before. Kaz had a look in his eye that Inej was unfamiliar with, she couldn’t tell if it was because he longed to say something, or to touch her, or to run. Inej was sure it had something to do with longing, though.

 

“Is this okay?” Inej whispered as her eyes traced his sharp jaw line in the shadowy candlelight.

 

“Yes.” Kaz whispered back. His eyes were catching on her lips every few moments and Inej wanted to tell him ‘someday’. But she would not, he had to know these things within himself. Inej settled for bringing one hand above the covers and placing it in the space between their faces, palm up. If Kaz reached for her, she wanted him to know he was welcome. Inej would not reach for him unless she knew she was welcome too. Kaz tracked her movement, and a moment later, he took his free hand and laid it in hers.

 

“Sleep, Wraith. We have work to do tomorrow.” Kaz’s stony whisper circled around her. Inej smiled and nodded and finally gave into her drooping eyelids, knowing Kaz would scare anything sinister that walked in the realm of her dreams.

 

Hours later, Inej Ghafa woke to the still pitch dark room, facing the wall, feeling puffs of air hit the back of her neck. Kaz was not touching her, but there were mere inches between them and he’d moved close to her in his sleep. Inej smiled sleepily. Kaz had stayed, and Kaz was sleeping next to her. Inej wondered how far away the day when he could drape his arm over her waist was.

 

Inej would be patient for that day she decided. Kaz’s breathing lulled her back to a deep, blissful sleep.

 

 

Chapter 9: How Strange

Summary:

Inej and Kaz are preparing for the next job, both feeling just a little stronger; because of each other.

Notes:

Part 9! A slightly shorter chapter but I wanted to throw in a little story about Kaz and Inej waking up the morning after he spent the night on her ship. I hope you love it! Thank you again to everyone who has read so far. As always, comments, kudos and feedback are all so appreciated!

INEJ

 

            Sunlight was shining from the window on Inej when she woke, coating her in a warm haze. Inej sleepily rolled over and almost fell off the bed. She heard a chuckle come from the other side of her room, and she squinted her eyes open. Kaz. Kaz hadn’t left yet.

 

            “Don’t laugh at me.” Inej grumbled as she watched Kaz tying his shoes at her desk, his hair was falling into his face slightly and his shirt sleeves were rolled up to his elbows. She watched the muscles in his arms move under his crow and cup tattoo and she immediately decided that morning Kaz before a shave and no tie was entirely too attractive and she wished for no one else to discover this secret.

 

            “The wraith can apparently almost stumble off beds in her sleep, it is a new discovery. It would do no good to my monstrous reputation if I didn’t laugh.” Kaz jested as he reached around to the back of the chair for his tie. Inej rolled her eyes and sat up to stretch her arms above her head. She couldn’t remember the last time she had slept so soundly, even if they had only slept for around four hours. Inej knew that she wanted to sleep next to Kaz again, as soon as she was allowed. They had many things to conquer, and Inej suspected they bothsuffered nightmares, but at least for this one night, they had been granted peace by the saints.

 

            “I didn’t fall off though, so I think that has to count for something,” Inej quipped and she stood.

 

            “Mmm, perhaps. Though I don’t feel the need to ponder on it. I’ll remember the day the great wraith almost fell off a two-foot tall bed.”

 

            “It could go like this: Good morning Inej. You know, sometimes people say that instead of jesting the moment someone opens their eyes.” Inej grimaced, though she was certainly amused. Kaz was in rare form today, his shoulders seemed less stiff, his eyes a little brighter. Inej wanted to yank this man right back to that bed she almost fell off of and just look at him all day. She would not. Though she wanted to, desperately.

 

“Ah but would you like me to be anything but what I am, wraith?” Kaz smirked as he tied his tie in her small mirror above her dresser. Damn him. No. She liked Kaz as he was. Sure, there was room for improvement in his communication skills but damnit if she didn’t fall for him the way he was now.

 

Inej laughed and shook her head, she hadn’t realized Kaz was watching her in the reflection of the mirror. His smirk grew wider.

 

Kaz Brekker and his ego, a terrifying pair indeed.

 

“I have to get back to the Slat. Are you prepared to do some spidering tonight? He… the mark, will not be at home. According to Roeder’s previous intel he has a habit of frequenting the Marguerite, a newer tavern in the financial district, for cards on most week nights. Saves the pleasure houses for Fridays and attends to his wife on Saturdays. Sundays are for chapel, apparently.” Kaz asked as he picked up his blazer and over coat.

 

“Yes. I’ll head out around nine bells. I’ll report back. Shall I take Roeder with me?” Inej felt a shiver scurry down her spine at the mention of Charles Hester, but this time she was prepared for what she was walking in to, she was grateful she would not have to case his home with him in it. She could do it, easily. That wasn’t her concern, her concern was freezing at the sight of him. Inej rolled her shoulders back and began the countdown to the job in her mind.

 

“No. Roeder will be on assignment elsewhere, the Tavern. Making sure that Mr. Hester does not leak any information that might be critical to our next movements. Apparently the drink gives him looser lips than most.”

 

“Alright.” Inej nodded as she slipped on her blades. Inej needed to go back to the Van Eck mansion, she needed new clothes, a bath and food. Inej was ready for the job, but she felt ridiculous for feeling a twinge of sadness at leaving Kaz’s side. She would see him later; she would not be some love-sick girl. Though she certainly felt like one after spending the past twenty-four hours with Kaz. After sleeping next to him. Kaz had kissed her hand.

 

Grabbing his cane and shrugging on his coat, Kaz made for the door. He was still Kaz, never one for goodbyes. Inej didn’t process as her feet moved to stop in front of him. A single dark brow rose as he looked down at her. Inej looked at his eyes intently, making sure he saw her coming.  Inej wrapped her arms around him for the second time, ever. Inej heard Kaz swallow as she wrapped her arms around his middle, she could not brush his skin with his jacket and gloves on. Kaz seemed to steel himself and relax. He leaned his cane against the wall and wrapped his arms over her shoulders.

 

Inej felt safe. Inej felt strong. Inej hoped Kaz felt those things, too. It was more than she could have asked for, the discovery that she could hug him like this. She had wanted to hug him again since that moment on the docks and after everything yesterday, she couldn’t stop herself from doing so again.

 

“Thank you, for staying, for listening, for the waffles and the tea.” Inej mumbled into his jacket. Kaz did not speak, but she felt his arms draw her closer and his chin rest on her hair. In that moment, Inej remembered something her mother had told her long ago, a suli phrase that Inej had not thought of in years.

 

Make sure when you find the person who lets your wings flutter high, take them too, to the sky.

 

Inej felt her wings with Kaz, if she was honest, she had felt them for a very long time. Inej hoped Kaz felt the wind beneath them too. There really was some truth to that statement: they make my heart soar.

 

Inej felt Kaz dip his lips to her hair protected head in a ghostly quick kiss. Then Kaz Brekker picked up his cane and left.

 

Inej touched her hand to her head, and she smiled.

 

KAZ

 

            What could he have done to deserve this past day? Kaz pondered this question over and over as he made his way back toward the Slat, stopping only to pick up a cup of coffee. Kaz shook his head, he couldn’t continue thinking about Inej when it was her who perhaps might gain some semblance of retribution if they succeeded on this job. Dirtyhands had to be in control, now. Kaz would see her later, she would be the wraith tonight. Kaz felt giddy at the thought of his missing shadow once again prowling the rooftops of his city.

           

            Kaz entered the Slat and thankfully no one was the wiser as he brushed through the foyer with his cup of coffee. None of the Dregs would dare to question Kaz, anyhow. Kaz was generally awake at all hours so no one would have noticed his slightly mussed hair and the wrinkle in his slacks. Kaz entered his room on the fourth floor and his leg throbbed after the climb, though Kaz knew it would have been far worse if he had not slept those hours on Inej’s ship. Kaz had never slept in the same bed as anyone besides his brother when they were children, Kaz found he very much liked the image of Inej lying next to him when he first opened his eyes. Kaz was grateful his demons had not woken him, Inej would have known if he had a nightmare. Kaz generally woke gasping for air in the midst of a full blown panic attack. Maybe the Wraith, as fearsome as she was, had slit the demon’s throats before they got to him. Kaz smiled at the thought with a promise to himself that it was the last thought he would allow himself of Inej today.

 

            Kaz showered and shaved and put on a fresh suit, feeling much more like himself. Kaz made his way to his office and began checking the missives that had been left on his desk, including the Club numbers from the previous night. Nothing was out of place. Kaz was about to begin looking at the Hester estate blueprints when a knock sounded on his door.

 

            “Enter.” Kaz rasped, expecting Anika or Roeder. Kaz was instead greeted by six plus feet of zemini sharp shooter in- yellow trousers? Ghezen, Jesper needed to try black in his wardrobe every now and then. Or perhaps Kaz was reflecting his own personality, he didn’t care.

           

            “Good Morning, Kaz.” Jesper chirped as he shut the door behind him. Kaz had no idea what he was doing here, Jesper would always be dregs, but he was a full time mercher with Wylan now.

           

            “What do you need, Jesper?” Kaz sighed as he set down the blueprints.

 

            “Just wondering if you’ve seen a wraith anywhere. You know, yay-big, wicked knives, ugly feet.” Jesper gestured with his hands as he sank into a chair across from Kaz’s desk. Kaz knew Inej was probably back in her room at the Van Eck mansion just about now, perhaps having missed Jesper entirely. Kaz didn’t particularly want to lie to Jesper, but they were in the Slat, if anyone heard that Kaz and Inej had spent the night aboard her ship, not once leaving in the night…. Well that could be quite the dangerous rumor.

 

            “I’d suggest taking a look at your house, you know, where she lives.” Kaz drawled, putting as much boredom in his tone as possible. Kaz flicked his gaze to Jesper who was smirking. Damn.

            “Hmm. So you haven’t seen her in the last, I don’t know, twenty-four hours?” Jesper asked, his eyes alight with mischief. Kaz knew when he was caught. He hated it. Jesper had no right to know him so well.

 

            “I may have seen her, seriously, I would suggest checking your own residence, she’s not here.” Kaz quipped with a hint of pleading that Jesper would say no more. Inej and Kaz were in new territory. Kaz wanted what they had to stay theirs. It was private. Kaz had only ever coveted his revenge plans so much, but now his relationship with the wraith was also under a tab in his brain marked: confidential.

 

            “Alright.” Jesper said. Kaz was taken aback for a moment at such a simple reply from Jesper, it caused him to look up. Jesper was full blown smirking. Kaz rolled his eyes and gestured with his hand to the door in a silent ‘you had your fun, now leave before my cane meets your skull.’

 

            Jesper leaned over the desk and whispered so that no one would hear from outside the room. “I saw her before I came here, I just wanted to be a dick to my oldest friend in this city. I just wanted to see what you’d say. Treat my little sister right, Brekker. I can make a shot from a mile away.” 

 

Kaz knew Inej wouldn’t have lied about where she was if Jes and Wylan had asked. Kaz could see through the threat, Jesper was smiling like an idiot. Kaz was certain that Jesper meant well and somewhere deep inside him, Kaz wanted to laugh. Jesper was his friend, he realized, not for the first time. Jesper had literally trekked through the barrel to threaten Kaz and poke fun at his relationship. It was such a normal thing that was so unnervingly unusual to Kaz.

 

Kaz Brekker glared and gestured to the door one more time. Jesper Fahey laughed and threw his hands in a mock surrender before whistling on his way out of Kaz’s office.

 

Once the door clicked shut though, Kaz smiled. Friends? A girl? How strange his life had become.

Chapter 10: Saints, Forgive me

Summary:

An unexpected attack on Dregs territory, The Wraith must step in. Saints forgive her, for she has sinned.

Part Ten to 'Dealing with Our Demons.'

Notes:

Part 10! I'm so excited for this chapter, although a fair warning, there is some violence in this one and some slightly more colorful language. A little more angsty, but with a good ending. I really hope you all like this one! I wanted to focus a little on the Dregs and specifically Inej's involvement and relationship with them. Have some BAMF Inej Ghafa! As always, feedback, comments and kudos are all very very much appreciated. Thank you to everyone who has read and continues to do so!

INEJ

 

            The rooftops were slick with rain as the wraith skimmed over shingles. Inej had successfully cased the Hester estate, and found Roeder was indeed not nearly as competent a spider as she. The room which hid Charles Hester’s vault was actually a closet. No entry window, the vault Roeder had discovered was the one shown on the blue prints in Kaz’s possession, but it was not the one they needed to target. That safe was a decoy for thieves, or perhaps his ‘proper’ vault that he used for his legal business purposes.

You know, the money not included in the funds for the purchasing and selling of human beings.

 

 For all Charles Hester was, he was keen on keeping his hobby of funneling funds to slavers a secret. Inej suppressed a shiver, she could not think about that awful man now. They needed to target a closet vault in an undocumented basement under constant guard by two unregistered heartrenders. Inej hadn’t drawn their attention, but she knew the kefta they wore, it had been what Nina’s fake one had looked like in the House of the White Rose. Inej had been surprised to spy that they wore them at all, it was a sure sign of confidence in a city that was not always kind to the grisha. Confidence in themselves and their employer. Inej wondered what else was kept in that vault, the door was the size of a normal door, not that of a safe for kruge storage alone. Inej needed Kaz to work out a plan for this one, as much as Inej was confident in her skill, she was also confident in Kaz’s. Inej was a gifted spy, Kaz’s gift was his mind for impossible schemes. And violence, but Inej didn’t exactly count that as a gift from the saints.

 

            Inej was nearing the barrel to report back to Kaz, enjoying the run across her rooftop route despite the slick terrain, it was nearly 12 bells and the streets were empty due to the weather and the hour.

 

That was when Inej heard the gunshots, coming from the direction of the Crow Club. Inej sped up, never once losing her foothold in her climbing slippers. Inej found a vantage point near the club and shifted herself to try and see what was going on, a shout rang out and Inej couldn’t make out what was said, but it gave her a better idea where to go. Leaping to the next rooftop, Inej spied the commotion. Six members of the Liddies, standing face to face with Anika, Rotty and Pim outside the club. Inej then noted, on the rooftop over, a sniper kneeled low. His gun pointed directly at Anika, waiting for a signal. Inej made the jump across the buildings, swift as smoke.

 

            The sniper turned just as Inej was upon him, a swift under kick to the shin had him to his knees with a grunt. Inej wasted no time getting a blade held to his jugular to silence him from screeching out to his companions. Time was of the essence as Inej knocked him out with the blunt end of his own gun, binding him with rope she had used for casing the Hester estate. Why were the Liddies facing off against the dregs? Kaz had not mentioned anything and from the glance Inej had stolen, he was not present. Kaz not mentioning anything is not what surprised Inej, it was the fact that Kaz was not present. This led Inej to believe that this was not a planned parlay- this was an outright attack on Dregs territory. The Slat was only three blocks from the club, Inej could make that run for help quickly, but it would most likely not be quick enough. Six (armed) rival gang members against three of her own, it would not do.

 

No matter how much faith Inej had in the Dregs down below, at best it would be a close thing. At worst... the worst.

 

            With a prayer to the saints, Inej took up the sniper’s rifle and tossed it to the next building where she could retrieve it later for the Dregs make shift armory. Inej silently slid down a drain pipe and stuck to the shadows as she neared the street of the club, hearing Anika shout at the opposing Liddies.

 

            “You are on our territory; you have no right!”

 

            “Way we see it, Darlin’, boss man ain’t around. It’ll be an easy sweep, taking out three of the best members of your young blood gang before he’s even the wiser. Makes for an easier time cutting the dregs down for good when Dirtyhands crawls out of his hole.” A booming male voice replied. Inej rounded a corner, making sure to stay away from the streetlight. Sankta Lizabeta already warming in her fingers. Inej would not let the Dregs, her friends, fall tonight.

 

            Pity those who undermine The Wraith of Ketterdam.

 

            “You would so willingly undermine Kaz Brekker? Your death, I’m afraid. Not ours.” Rotty growled from next to Anika. Rotty, loyal to the end.

 

            Inej was only paces away from the backs of the Liddies; she saw the leader of the group make a subtle gesture with his hand behind his back, a gesture only possible to see from afar if one, say, had a spyglass and a long barreled sniper rifle. Pity. The Liddies sniper was a little… tied up at the moment.

 

            Inej saw the leader turn his head slightly to the rooftops above when no shot rang out and none of the Dregs went down. Inej was only five feet behind the group of Liddies now. Inej took Sankta Alina in her other hand.

 

            Both blades flew from Inej’s fingers as the leader began to reach for his own pistol to carry out his plans. Her saints of steel landed true. One in the back of the leader’s neck, deep and wretched. The other, in the back of the man nearest him, presumably his second for this terribly planned attack on the Dregs. The leader’s knees hit the ground in a pool of crimson before he face-planted directly into the cobblestone, dead. The man beside him followed his boss’s lead and crunched to the ground in a yelp of pain, the blade sticking from his lower vertebrae. Rotty and Pim saw Inej as she stepped from the shadows, they grinned wickedly as they turned their pistols to the remaining members of the Liddies. Anika was missing from sight, Inej realized with a start. Inej silently skirted back to the shadows before any of the still standing Liddies even registered her presence.

 

            Inej found the spot where Anika had previously stood, where Pim and Rotty had not even noticed her disappearance.

 

So the Liddies have a spider. Come into my web, you fool.Meet the Wraith. 

 

            Inej was seeing red as she heard a stone skitter near the alleyway, she wasted no time in silently tracking the sound. Against a brick wall around the corner, Anika was held at knife point by a hooded, gangly man. Anika was struggling slightly, but Inej saw the bloom of blood in her abdomen, staining her emerald cotton tunic a ghostly crimson. Anika had been the one shot earlier, perhaps the first shot Inej heard from the rooftops. The bullet must have not struck vital organs as Anika had stayed standing, though Inej could tell the blood loss was crossing into dangerous territory.

 

            “Don’t come any closer, I’ll kill her. We need Dirtyhands to come out and play.” The gruff voice of the man swirled in the air.

 

            Inej laughed and shook her head slightly, though inside she was already calculating her maneuver. This spider was fresh and green. He made noise, he stayed on the ground to hold Anika captive. He clearly thought Kaz would somehow hear of this. Clearly the spider had struck before Inej’s blades had killed their leader. This spider crawled into nothing but mistakes. Inej pitied his training compared to her own.

 

            “You poor, poor fool.” Inej mumbled though she could tell by his cadence that the man was not much older than she. Inej would pray for his soul, and regret cutting his life short. It had to be done. Anika was in danger.

 

            “Who the hell are you? Are you Dregs?” The fool boomed, tightening his hold on Anika’s waist and pressing the blade further into her neck, drawing a drop of blood.

 

            “I’m Dregs. I’m also shocked you do not know of me, they really sent you out here this fresh?” Inej questioned as she prowled the perimeter of the alleyway, drawing slightly closer but never once dropping her sights on the man’s hold on Anika. Gun shots were still firing nearby, Inej hoped Rotty and Pim were in good standing, she had bought them the high ground. Anika’s eyelids drooped with a small whimper of pain in her throat.

 

Inej had to make quick work of the fly in her web.

 

            “What the hell do you mean? Go fetch. Get Dirtyhands, if you’re a part of his crew.” The man’s voice shook slightly. Perfect. He was waning.

 

            “But of course.” Inej mock bowed, with her arm bent across her waist, the quick release on Sankt Petyr triggered. Inej rose from her bow casually, the flick of her wrist barely registering as her blade struck the man in the knee, right between Anika’s legs. He dropped like a bag of sand, Anika collapsing in front of him, his hold no longer supporting her. Inej threw Sankt Vladimir before the spider could even reach for his fallen blade, snagging him square in the chest, just above Anika’s crumpled form. He was no longer for this world.

 

            Have mercy on his soul, Saints. Forgive me.

 

            Rushing to Anika, Inej laid a finger to her neck. Her pulse was there but slow, she needed to be bandaged up. Now. Inej began to try and raise her, but Inej knew as strong as she was, she couldn’t carry Anika alone to the Slat in time.

 

            Rotty and Pim ran around the corner, blood coated both of them, but they looked in good shape.           

 

            “Wraith! What the hell happened?” Rotty trotted forward.

 

            “Questions later, you need to get her to the Slat now. Get Arman, he needs to patch her up. She’s in the red. Hurry!” Inej panted as she handed Anika’s near-lifeless form over to the two men.

 

            “Got it.” Inej heard them mumble in unison. Inej would fetch the tied up, probably still unconscious sniper. Kaz would want to have a chat with him, the only reason Inej left him alive in the first place.

 

Let Anika live, Saints.

 

KAZ

            Kaz was about to leave the Slat to investigate gunfire near the Club and the Slat when Rotty and Pim came barreling through the door, carrying a bleeding Anika.

 

            “Arman!” Rotty bellowed, his voice damn near shaking the floor. Arman, the dregs new house healer, came from the kitchen, took one look at Anika and yelled for them to set her on the make shift dining table in the common space off the foyer of the Slat, hurriedly running back to the kitchen for water and his bag of medical supplies.

 

            Once the men laid Anika on the table in a flurry of motion, Arman immediately began his work, ripping bloody cloth away from a nasty looking bullet wound on Anika’s left side. Kaz had no idea what had happened and it enraged him.  His gloved fingers were ready to rip throats out. Anika was a good Dregs member, a good lieutenant. Kaz hoped she lived, but that was not what angered him.

 

Perhaps that made him even more monstrous than his reputation indicated. This shouldn’t surprise anyone.

 

What angered him was that Kaz had not had any jobs beyond recon for the wraith and Roeder on the docket. Pim and Rotty were bouncing the club tonight and watching for card skimmers, Anika was off. The Dregs were royalty in the barrel and with the internal collapse of the Dime-Lions still fizzing out, no one should have challenged the Dregs. Kaz apparently undermined the levels of stupidity in his rivals.

 

“What the fuck happened?” Kaz grit out, not hiding his rage whatsoever. Rotty and Pim were now standing in the foyer with Kaz, a few newer recruits had peeked down the stairs of the Slat. Kaz turned and gestured with a single finger. The closing of doors rang through the Slat. Everyone else was working in the club, off, or spidering.

 

Inej. Fuck. Where the fuck was Inej? She should have been back with her report on the casing of the Hester estate by now. Kaz had to trust she was alright. He couldn’t go down that path right now.

 

“Liddies. Tried to make a cop for our territory, Anika was outside talking with us. We were at the doors of the Club. Six of them, I think. Out in full force, thought to take us out and then you’d come out and they’d call the Dregs done for.” Rotty mumbled, running a hand over his close-shaven head. Pim nodded as well, glancing back toward where Arman was digging the bullet out of Anika’s side. Kaz made mental note of the clear attachment Pim displayed there.

 

“Arman, will she make it?” Kaz grumbled without so much as turning his head. The crows head of his cane was digging into his gloved hands he was gripping it so tightly.

 

“Yes. Got her back here just in time, I was able to get the internal bleeding down, she’ll have to be careful for a few days even with my internal wor- “

 

“Only asked one question. Don’t need the rest.” Kaz cut him off as he raked a gloved hand through his hair. “Meeting, my office, ten minutes. Check and see if Roeder is back. I want you both, Roeder and Dirix in attendance. We are going over what happened. Everything.” Kaz announced to Rotty and Pim before turning to his office without another word. Kaz shut the door behind him and took a deep breath. What the hell had the liddies been thinking? Did none of them get left standing to question? Kaz needed answers. Kaz wanted a strong bourbon with a side of Inej’s presence to keep him from marching into Liddies territory like a hound on the scent of blood.

 

            Where is the wraith? What if the Hester estate went wrong? No. The wraith takes care of herself. Focus.

 

            Ten minutes later, Rotty and Pim were sat in front of Kaz’s desk, Roeder was standing by the door, having returned from his own mission. Charles Hester was only now returning home from his tavern card game, which lessened some of the terrible grip that anxiousness had on Kaz’s throat regarding his wraith. Dirix was standing in the corner, clearly he had no idea what had happened. Dirix was not on job at the Club tonight but with Anika down and Inej missing, Kaz needed his best of the second best the Dregs had to offer in this meeting now.

 

            “Tell me what the fuck happened out there. Don’t leave anything out.” Kaz rasped, letting his eyes speak the volume of his anger.

 

            “Well we told you the first part, Boss. Liddies. Their leader was that ginger guy; Kane I think his name is. The one that used to be lieutenant for Dean. Maybe he’s running their territory now. Six of ‘em came out of nowhere. We had no reason to expect them. There was no call for Parlay. Just standing out there in the rain in the streets. He called to Anika and we went with her, locking the door to the Club from outside. Anyone could get out, but ain’t no one from the damn Liddies was walkin’ in. Made sure of that.” Pim started, running a hand over his short brown beard, smearing still sticky blood with his hand.

 

            “Then when we got down there, the asshole shot. No words, just aimed, luckily he’s a terrible shot and Anika was fast to feign right. We didn’t even think she got hit, the rain was heavy and street lamps dimming, and she stayed up. Told them to get off the Dregs property. Then Kane started talking about his plan to take the Dregs down, it was idiotic. I’m no boss, but, Ghezen, that guy had as many brain cells as the callous on my trigger finger.” Rotty piped in. Kaz knew Kane, and Rotty was right. The man had a half functioning brain cell that preferred the company of liquor to actual intelligent thought. Kaz also knew he’d taken over as the Liddies boss, but he hadn’t thought that their least worrisome rival would be this level of annoying, or frankly, stupid.

 

            “We thought it was done. There was six of them and three of us, backed into a corner in front of the club. It was only thanks to the wraith that we got the high ground, she killed Kane and his second within feet of them, they were none the wiser. Craziest shit I’ve ever seen, never saw her work up close. We didn’t see her till the bodies started hitting the ground. Fucking nuts, if I’m honest.” Pim said now.

 

            Kaz felt his heart pick up speed, Inej had been there. Inej saved them. The Wraith strikes again. Where was she now? He had to know. If she was out there and they didn’t…. if she was… Kaz couldn’t think it. He’d lose it on everyone and Dirtyhands was always calm, cool, and collected.

 

            Inej is alive. I’d know it if she weren’t. I’d feel it. I know I would.

           

            “Wraith noticed Anika was gone, we didn’t even see her disappear, she just went after Anika. We took care of the rest. Got to the Wraith in the alleyway, she was trying to carry Anika. She’s small, you know. Couldn’t carry her fast enough. There was another dead liddies lad in the alley with them. The wraith ordered us back here with Anika. Didn’t ask questions, she looked alright though. Anika was down and we raced here.” Rotty finished with a heavy sigh. Kaz was grateful that Rotty noted Inej looked alright. His heart slowed just slightly. But if she was alright, where was she?

 

            “You left none alive. Why not?” Kaz glared, twisting a hand around his cane head. He wanted a subject to question, the Dregs should have known better, Inej should have left one alive to question.

 

            “We… didn’t think of it.” Pim was frowning, suddenly fascinated by the wood on Kaz’s desk. Kaz noted Roeder and Dirix looking at Pim and Rotty with something resembling sympathy. Good. They’d need it. Kaz was pissed and he couldn’t get the answers he needed about the Liddies next movements or who might rise to replace Kane. Just then, Kaz felt that tingle in his bones.

 

            Kaz felt her.

           

            The front door of the Slat banged open, and seconds later, Inej was kicking a bound man into the room in front of her.

 

            “Sorry for the interruption, gents. Delivery.” Inej smiled a wicked little grin and kicked the man in the back of his knees, he went down with a yelp. There was cloth in his mouth and his hands were tied. Kaz suppressed a giddy laugh with a cough. The man was twice Inej’s size. She’d tied him up and brought him here for questioning. Inej knew he’d want one alive. She’d stashed a liddie somewhere.

 

            Ah wraith, so pious. So dangerous. Never a dull moment.

 

            The man began blubbering something through the fabric in his mouth. Something along the lines of ‘please don’t kill me’. It was then that Kaz realized the man was looking at Inej, begging her, not him. Pride. Kaz felt an insane amount of Pride seeing Inej standing this tall. Was this how she looked when she captained her ship?

 

            “I do so love it when lesser men beg, though now doesn’t seem the time, does it? Don’t threaten my friends. Rule One. Besides, you should be asking for your life elsewhere.” Inej mused to the man, looking him in the eye and gesturing her hand to Kaz. Inej turned her back on him and strolled to stand by Kaz’s desk, crossing her arms in front of her. Rotty did a low whistle and even Roeder raised an eyebrow. Inej was clearly pissed.

 

Kaz desperately wanted to hold her to himself and tell her how glorious it was to see her deal out vengeance. Lovely, menacing, brave, creature.

 

            The man managed to spit out the fabric in his mouth. He said one word.

 

            “Bitch.” The man growled. Kaz stiffened with narrowed eyes.  

 

He’d kill him. Damn the questions. Damn the consequences.

 

Kaz began to raise, but a bronze hand in the corner of his vision stopped him. Inej held it to say ‘stop’. Kaz would be furious with anyone else, no one stopped Kaz Brekker. Kaz shouldn’t let it slip by him, he should hold up his reputation and snap at Inej. The Dregs were present. It was what he absolutely should do.

 

Kaz Brekker sat back down in his seat, ignoring the eyes of the Dregs. He played it off with a shrug that he hoped said ‘let’s see what she’ll do’.

 

“First, if you are going to insult me, please at least be colorful about it. I’ve been called far worse by men who were not tied up. Second,” Inej paused as she silently drifted toward the man who noticeably tried to back away from her. Inej pulled Sankta Lizabeta from her belt, the blade coated in blood, she held it in front of his face. “Do you know whose blood this is? No? It’s your boss’. Plead for your life again and I shall show you what it means to be a ‘bitch.’” Inej whispered in a tone that Kaz would do awful, awful, things to hear again.

 

The man seemed to shrink. Inej hated killing, Kaz knew that. Inej would pray for every soul that died at the end of her blade; but Kaz knew the days of Inej being talked of in such a manner by awful men was a thing of the past. Inej rejoined Kaz by his desk. Kaz took note that all of the Dregs in the room were looking at her with a profound respect in their eyes. Inej had saved some of them multiple times. Inej had been kind to every one of them.

 

A half hour later, with all Kaz’s questions answered, the man was set free with a broken arm and nose. An unfortunate run in with a cane, it seemed. The man was to leave Dregs territory or die. The man was to pass on a message to anyone who dare tried to undermine Dirtyhands.

 

Kaz was also sure that news of the Dregs most fearsome spy’s return to Ketterdam was going to circulate. The Wraith was a name that was feared, but to Kaz, Inej was… well in her words, Inej was home. At the realization, Kaz felt warmth encompass his chest despite the gruesome nature of the evening.

 

“Wraith, where are you going?” Rotty piped up as Kaz wiped the man’s blood from his wrists not protected by his gloves. Only Rotty and Pim had stayed for the interrogation, Roeder and Dirix had been dismissed. Kaz immediately looked up to see Inej was on her way out the door. Inej was one for goodbyes and he didn’t like that she was leaving without one. It was a strange twinge inside him, Kaz hadn’t ever realized it meant anything to him. He found he liked when she stayed to say parting words, even if he’d never change his nature to them.

 

“I thought I’d go tell our previous sharp shooter how much fun he missed out on tonight, and tell him I’m a suitable replacement just to knock his ego down a bit.” Inej laughed and Rotty and Pim did too.

 

“Tell Jesper thanks for all the damned dinner invites, the dick.” Pim jested and Inej smiled.

 

“Will do.” Inej said as she flicked her braid over her shoulder. Kaz didn’t want her to leave… he wanted… he wanted.

 

“Wraith, your intel on the job is still needed despite all the annoyances.” Kaz grit out, forcing monotony in to his tone.

 

“I know. I’ll return in the morning to discuss my findings.” Inej said softly, her back as straight as always. Kaz thought he’d missed it, but Inej had subtly flicked her eyes upward. Kaz caught her meaning. Meet me upstairs?

 

“Fine.” Kaz said as he met her eyes, and dipped his chin slightly, it appeared he was only agreeing to her proposition to everyone else. He knew Inej would know it truly meant gladly.If he was honest, after fearing for Inej’s life tonight, Kaz would have rather told her “Absolutely, please stay, don’t you dare leave without a good bye, I can’t bare it after this wreck of an evening.” But, Kaz held fast to his pride. Inej would deal with a nod. Kaz would not be that crazy, even if he truly felt every one of those insane emotions.

 

Inej turned to leave.

 

“Hey, Wraith, wait!” Rotty exclaimed as Pim nodded in Kaz’s direction and brushed by Inej and left with a small smile that spoke of thanks.

 

“Yes?” Inej turned back to Rotty just outside the doorway in the silent and now empty foyer. Rotty standing next to Inej was almost as comical as Jesper standing next to her, but in a different way. Rotty was actually an inch or two shorter than Kaz, but he was built like a tree trunk. Inej was a wisp in the breeze comparatively. Rotty then stood in front of Inej, just outside of Kaz’s door. Kaz knew he shouldn’t bother to listen, but he was. Even as he busied himself with picking up his jacket and straightening the papers on his desk. Kaz wanted to meet Inej upstairs. Kaz was tired of everyone else.

 

“I just wanted to you know, say thanks. We wouldn’t have made it out without you back there,” Rotty was rubbing the back of his neck, seemingly nervous. Kaz was confused. Kaz couldn’t see Inej around Rotty’s frame. “Can I uh, buy you a drink at the Club or something, sometime?” Rotty mumbled. Kaz momentarily froze, Rotty was asking Inej to go out and drink with him. Alone. Kaz felt odd, a flicker of something in his gut. He didn’t understand the feeling he had, he found himself wanting to walk right out of this room and butt into the conversation. Kaz was not jealous, but he did find there was some level of territorial he could not shake. Inej deserved better than himself, he knew that. Kaz would do anything to see Inej happy, even let her go. Kaz could not be selfish when it came to Inej, he had learned that with her indenture contract. As much as Kaz wanted to keep it, he would never cost her the freedom she so very much deserved. But Kaz was still just a man, legend or not.

 

“Oh. Oh. I uh, actually…” Inej was stammering. Clearly she was taken completely off guard.

 

“You’re seeing someone, aren’t you?” Rotty released a sigh. Kaz felt himself listening intently. Inej couldn’t say yes, at least not really, it wasn’t safe. Kaz desperately wanted her to anyways.

 

“Yes. I am.” Inej whispered. Kaz felt his chest tighten with an emotion he couldn’t name. Emotions were still somewhat confusing to Kaz, but this was surely one of the best ones. Kaz should be irritated that Inej would answer honestly, it put a lot at risk. Kaz didn’t want to share their private life. Kaz couldn’t find any rage within himself, though. Kaz knew Inej would not lie or lead on a good man, that wasn’t her.

 

“Is it serious?” Rotty asked, though Kaz noted he did not sound defeated, perhaps a little deflated, but that’s all.

 

“I… I would say so, yes.” Inej mumbled. Kaz wanted to kiss her; he wanted that to be possible right now, their pasts be damned. Yes, their…. relationship was… well it would not be serious to anyone else. But Kaz felt the same way Inej did. They might not be normal, able to kiss and make love and everything else with it, but it was everything all the same. They would work through their demons, individually, but together. Kaz would fight every day of his saints-damned life to be able to get to the other side with Inej, where they could do all those normal things; even if their life would never be average.

 

Average wasn’t Kaz. Average wasn’t Inej. Average wasn’t them.

 

 Inej had made him feel in the past few days that it just might be possible to get there, someday. A year ago, after leaving a hotel bathroom, Kaz never would have believed himself to be able to hug Inej, even with clothes completely in-tact. He wouldn’t have even tried it. A year ago, Kaz didn’t think he could even begin to let go of his armor. But now Kaz wouldn’t stop trying. It was difficult, and he was sure it would be difficult and infuriating many times over, but he’d glimpsed Inej in his life over the past few days, really seen it; and he couldn’t let go. Inej was worth it.  Inej came back. Inej came home.Kaz wanted to go upstairs. Now.

 

“Well, that’s… that’s good, Inej. Really. If he treats you like shit though, I’ll kick his ass. Because I’m your friend.” Rotty said. Kaz wanted to laugh. Kaz could take him. Though, Kaz felt happy too, because Rotty had taken the rejection the way a rejection should always be taken, if he had so much as pushed Inej, Kaz would have felt very differently.

 

“I wouldn’t threaten him, if I’m honest.” Inej said softly with a small laugh.

 

“Yeah well I’m sure he’s gotta be tough if he’s with you, whoever they are.” Rotty chuckled and moved away from Inej with a smile as he walked away. Kaz looked up from his desk, barely containing a smirk that was only for her. Inej was standing in his doorway. She rolled her eyes and smiled before turning away. Kaz had been caught eavesdropping. Perhaps he’d never be as good a spy as his wraith. A moment later, Inej floated out the front door of the Slat.

 

Five minutes later, Kaz finally made it to his room. Inej was in the window sill, wrapped in moonlight, leaning against the frame. Kaz closed his door and locked it behind him. Kaz was about to ask about the Hester intel and Inej’s version of the Liddies attack, when Inej’s voice stopped him.

 

“I meant it you know. I would not consider myself single. On the Sea or in the city. I would hope that is a reasonable assumption.” Inej looked at him from the corner of her eyes. He traced a fresh bloom of flush from her cheeks to her collar bone with his eyes. Ghezen, he loved that color.

 

“The deal is the deal, wraith.” Kaz smirked.

 

 

 

 

           

 

 

 

Chapter 11: Priceless

Summary:

Breakfast between Crows. Waffles are heavily involved.

Notes:

Part 11! This one was super fun to write and after a previously angsty chapter, I wanted this one to be light hearted. I hope you all love it! Please comment with any feedback or advice! Your comments make my day and every single one is appreciated. Thank you again to everyone who has read and continues to read, and for all the support!

INEJ

            Water droplets rained on the bathroom counter in the Van Eck mansion. Inej finished brushing her damp tresses and exited the bathroom, letting out a very unbecoming shriek.

 

            “Good Morning, Wraith!” Jesper lazily smiled from his perch on her unmade bed. His silver eyes glinting in the morning sun streaming in from her window.

 

            “Jesper! What if I had been indecent?” Inej pulled her towel against her chest tighter. She had not heard him come in while she’d been in the shower.

 

            “Indecent is what I’m always aiming for, Inej. As you happen to know, I also have perfect aim.” Jesper chirped with a wink. Inej rolled her eyes and let out a heavy sigh.

 

            “You could have knocked.” Inej grumbled as she stalked toward her wardrobe.

 

            “Did you just tell me to knock?” Jesper doubled over laughing, barely being able to get his words out.

 

            “Why is that so funny?” Inej growled and turned her head to the laughing zemini man.

 

            “It’s… just that you’re the wraith. You hardly use doors let alone knock on them and here you are, lecturing me! It’s comical beyond words, Inej.” Jesper choked out in between receding giggles.

 

            Inej rolled her eyes but Jesper had that type of laughter that was more contagious than a plague. Inej giggled despite herself.

 

            “I came here to tell you that we are having breakfast and request your captainly presence at our lowly mercher table,” Jesper quipped as he stood from her bed.

 

            “Waffles?!” Inej felt her mouth water at the promise of fluffy breakfast cakes with the apple cinnamon syrup Wylan always had stocked.

 

            “Waffles, Inej. Surely I can tempt your forgiveness with caffeine and the best food on the planet?” Jesper smirked with a come hither gesture as he backed away toward the door to her room.

 

            “Two seconds, I’ll meet you downstairs!” Inej said happily as she went back to her wardrobe to fish out the blue satin robe that Wylan had first bought for her upon moving into the Van Eck mansion. Waffles were too tempting for pants. Besides, Inej had been to their breakfast table in her robe many days’ prior before setting sail on her ship. Jesper could wear his sleep trousers, Inej could wear her robe. Besides, the robe ended just above her knees, with a sash around the middle, it was decent enough for waffles.

 

            Once Jesper was gone, Inej dropped her towel in favor for her robe, quickly dabbing the still damp ends of her hair. Inej floated to the ground floor on a cloud of sweet cinnamon beckoning her toward the dining room. Inej entered the room in a flurry.

 

            Kaz. Kaz? What? Kaz sitting at the table with Jesper and Wylan. Of course he looked impeccable despite the hour of the morning. Suit and tie in agonizingly perfect fit to his form. Her brain was only just waking up. She didn’t comprehend how she hadn’t known he was here.

 

            “Oh did I forget to mention the company?” Jesper drawled when Inej froze in the doorway at the sight of Kaz mid sip of coffee at the Van Eck table. Inej felt blush flush her face. Kaz looked up and his eyes widened slightly; and she was intimately aware of her robe now.

 

Damn you, Jesper.

           

Jesper laughed and Wylan smacked him hard on the shoulder. Inej noticed Kaz look away from her quickly. Inej was very aware that Kaz had never even seen her bare legs, not even at the Menagerie, her silks were floor length to make her look taller with the fit of the fabric. Inej also knew her robe probably left very little to the imagination, she was most definitely not wearing her chest bindings beneath it. Inej didn’t need modesty though, not here with friends. Jesper’s prank failed, Inej decided.

 

“Good morning, Kaz.” Inej smiled and walked to the chair at the head of the table; Wylan had abandoned it in a choice to sit next to Jesper. She would not be intimidated, and she was happy to see Kaz. In the past week since the Liddies had attacked the Dregs, Inej had hardly seen him- he was too busy trying to make sure no other gang in the barrel staged something so stupid. Kaz had been to the Crow Club himself almost every night this week, making sure everyone knew he was there. It was a show of fearlessness that had Dirtyhands stamped all over it.

 

 Kaz had also been scheming with the new information on Charles Hester she had found, Inej knew he had. The only times Inej had been able to catch a moment with Kaz had been during her reports on her repeated stake outs of the estate, learning the exact patterns of the heartrenders smoke breaks, the changing of the security guards Charles paid to protect his home and everything in between. Kaz had her watching the house for an exact reason, but he hadn’t yet shared. Inej wished he’d share more of his mind with her, but he’d tell her when he figured out how the pieces fit with her intel. Inej had missed him, but she could tell he needed to be in full control of the barrel right now, so she kept her distance.

 

“Inej.” Kaz rasped, his eyes still catching on her wet hair that hung to her waist. Inej felt slightly smug at the reaction from Kaz to her appearance. It wouldn’t seem like a reaction to anyone else, but Inej could read Kaz this way. Kaz had subtle things that he did to show his internal state; they slipped through his barriers and Inej didn’t even think he was aware of it. It wasn’t anything that could be used against him; Kaz was a master at concealing body language in the face of an enemy. No one else could read these things about Kaz. Except the wraith.

 

It was small things, like the way he sometimes scratched his palm with his fingers when he thought someone was lying. The way his shoulder blades moved up slightly with pride when he concocted a brilliant scheme, Inej loved that one.

 

It was the way he absently traced the beak of the Crows head on his cane with his thumb when he wanted something but couldn’t have it. Kaz was doing this now.

 

What do you want, Kaz?

 

“Oh come on, wraith! You’re not even going to make another comment about being indecent?” Jesper snorted in false disappointment.

 

“No Jes, I’d say I’m quite decent. Even better to look at.” Inej quipped with a smirk. Jesper’s jaw dropped open.

 

“Oh Inej, I’m so glad my smugness had rubbed off on you!” Jesper clapped his hands and Inej huffed a laugh as she reached for the pot of coffee.

 

“Here.” Kaz interrupted by handing her a cup already made for her, filled to the brim with cream. Inej smiled and took the cup, noticing his bare hands.

 

“Thank you.” Inej spoke softly. Inej noticed his cup was empty and she didn’t think before she refilled his with the pot in front of her. She knew he’d sneak sugar himself.

 

“How incredibly domestic,” Jesper goaded. Inej and Kaz both turned their glares on Jesper in unison. Wylan laughed freely, snorting and covering his face as it warmed with flush. Inej began to load her plate full of waffles just as the maid, Elena came into the room.

 

“Excuse me, Miss Ghafa. A letter for you.” Elena smiled sweetly and handed Inej an envelope, Inej noted the Ravka post marks and opened it quickly. There were only so many suspects; her parents, Nina, or Kuwei. Inej had been in contact with him once since the auction and she had hoped he would write her back from his place at the Little Palace. She had enclosed the Van Eck residence as her chosen forwarding address, and this letter was indeed from Kuwei. Inej read through his words and smiled. He had settled well, he spoke of a life of comfort and learning. It warmed her heart, Kuwei was so haggled over by so many nations and he deserved this peace. Inej had not been close with him but she knew that she was perhaps the only one to acknowledge how much the boy had been through, and how much bravery he held within. Inej did not agree with how he’d tricked Jesper knowingly back during the days of the auction, but Inej also knew what it was like to be scared. The boy had made a poor choice; it did not mean the Saints had sealed the envelope of his future.

 

“Who’s it from, wraith?” Jesper questioned after he swallowed a bite of waffle.

 

“Kuwei. I wrote him from my travels and hoped he would respond that he’d settled well in Ravka, he has. He has not been in contact with Nina since she left.” Inej answered as she folded the letter to the side of her plate.

 

It felt too soon to talk about Nina, Inej missed her terribly. Inej wanted to gorge herself on waffles and listen to Nina talk about whatever she wanted. Inej wanted to tell her friend how she’d done it all. She’d become a pirate and was taking the world by storm. Inej wanted to see Nina’s face when Inej would inevitably crack under her boisterous friend’s inquiry and tell her about all the new territory she had covered with Kaz Brekker.

 

She’ll write soon. She would tell Inej that Matthias had been laid to rest. Nina would tell Inej that she was ripped open, broken but stitching together slowly. Nina had to be okay. Inej wouldn’t accept anything else. Saints, watch over her in my stead.

 

Inej noticed Wylan gripping his coffee mug a little too zealously at the mention of Kuwei. Inej wanted to laugh.

 

“Wylan you can stop gripping that mug, it will shatter.” Inej said with a smile and took her first bite of waffle goodness.

 

“I was not.” Wylan glared at Inej and she laughed, almost not being able to swallow.

 

“Territorial is what you are,” Inej chuckled. She heard Kaz snort beside her.

 

“I am not territorial!” Wylan exclaimed as Jesper beamed at him.

 

“I’ve seen territorial, it’s precisely what you are.” Inej jested with a pointed look at Kaz. He rolled his eyes and Jesper started chuckling.

 

“Wy, love, you have nothing to worry about. Remember, I like your stupid face.” Jesper tugged on an auburn curl on Wylan’s head as he spoke.

 

“It’s not such a bad thing, just means Jesper has somehow convinced you to like him so much that you wish to keep him. Thank the saints for that too.” Inej joked and Wylan laughed. Jesper gave her a look marked with mischief.

 

“You’re in a mood today, wraith.” Jesper smiled a devious thing.

 

“What could be better than waffles and three of my favorite people sitting at a table with me? Of course I’m in a mood. It’s called happy, Jes.” Inej retorted as she swiped the syrup decanter from in front of him. She added more than was necessary to coat her waffles, earning a raised eyebrow from Kaz.

 

“How did you find out about breakfast before me and I live here?” Inej turned to Kaz. She wanted nothing more than to lean over and kiss his cheek, if only it were that simple.

 

“They invited me yesterday, note on my desk. I actually assumed you had brought it.” Kaz said with his gravel rasp. She noticed the corner of a ripped sugar packet near Kaz’s mug. Even Inej had missed him slip it into his coffee.

 

Magichands. Much better title than Dirtyhands, Inej decided.

 

“Care to invite me next time before catching me after a shower, Jes?” Inej looked at Jesper now with a raised brow.

 

“What’s the fun in that?” Jesper winked before beginning to ask Wylan about a new ship the Van Eck fleet was acquiring. Inej noticed Kaz’s free hand on the table, palm up. She felt warmth flood her chest. Kaz was doing the same thing she had done the night of her return in this very same dining room. He was offering his touch this time. Inej was aware that Jesper and Wylan would surely notice this time, but clearly, Kaz had decided he didn’t care despite whatever jokes their friends would surely throw out.

 

Good morning to you too, Kaz Brekker.

 

Inej subtly moved her hand to rest next to his, lightly touching her pinky to his. Without any hesitation, Kaz slid his hand into hers, interlocking their fingers. Inej paid attention to his breathing, for the first time, Kaz had only taken one deep breath by the rise of his chest. It hadn’t been audible to the room. Inej deducted that holding her hand was getting easier for Kaz and she felt her stomach flip, like going over a bump in a caravan. The feeling of walking the wire near the sky. Inej didn’t hide her smile.

 

These moments with Kaz were all she had ever wanted.

 

KAZ

            Warmth radiated from Inej’s palm and Kaz was brushing his thumb in lazy circles over the top of her hand. There was no water, there were no bodies floating in the dark pools of his pupils. Holding Inej’s hand was becoming much easier to Kaz, he realized. It was something so small, but he couldn’t help but feel triumphant, sitting here with her. Kaz hadn’t been able to rein in his urge to touch her in whatever small way he could when she had walked in looking as she had, withthatsmile on her face. Ghezen, he wanted to run his hands through her hair, he remembered how it had felt as he’d brushed it on her ship. Like liquid onyx, nothing like water, but smooth all the same. Kaz had thought of her much this week but he’d been in a position that required all Dirtyhands and zero Rietveld.

 

            Ever since the night of the Liddies attack, he’d scarcely seen her, and for that he was grateful. Disappointed, but grateful. Inej understood. Inej was his partner, in more ways than one. Inej had blatantly said so herself in his attic room a week ago; his chest tightened at the memory. Kaz was positive no one would dare ask him, but if he was ever asked if he were single, he would say no. Kaz Brekker was committed to someone. Kaz still couldn’t quite unravel this truth in his head, because nothing had changed, nothing had been altered. Inej had just spoke the truth and Kaz hadn’t thought he would ever need to hear it from her. He still didn’t think he had needed it. Kaz had been surprised that he wanted to hear her say it, though.

 

The truth of it was, Kaz had been committed for a very long time now; perhaps even since that afternoon in the attic so long ago, when her laugh had made all thoughts empty from his mind. There was no one like Inej, no treasure so rare.

 

 Kaz knew she deserved better, so he’d set her free with a reckless and impossible hope that he could be her choice. Inej had made that choice and it had been him. Kaz didn’t know how he’d gotten so lucky. If he was a betting man, he would have played the tables just to see if Inej’s saints were truly walking with him and granting him luck. Then again, Kaz could count cards without even thinking, so there wouldn’t have been much of a scientific or religious experiment there.

 

“So. I’m just going to throw it out there. I’m guessing you are not trying to kill Inej by holding her hand. Which means that’s a thing we should all know about. Though I always give due respect and you are Kaz Brekker; so I’m not ruling out murderous intentions until one of you finally admits it is something else.” Jesper quipped with a sip of coffee, eyes narrowed in amusement. Wylan rolled his eyes. Kaz had no qualms about Wylan and Jesper knowing about his relationship with Inej. In fact, this seemed like a formality at this point. Jesper had already poked fun at their relationship. Jesper only wanted to provoke mischief by saying anything at this point. Very well, Kaz would bite.

 

“We have an arrangement.” Kaz stated simply, his expression wiped of any tells; though his thumb did not stop its movement on Inej’s hand.

 

“An arrangement? Well I suppose I climbed the rank from investment.” Inej smiled deviously, though she squeezed Kaz’s hand gently.

 

Damnit. Kaz had definitely said that- and Inej remembered. Oh no. This would haunt him, he was sure.

 

“An investment? Ghezen you said that to her? How am I even surprised?” Wylan said with a shake of his head, a smile lifting his lips.

 

“Brekker, I thought I was an idiot.” Jesper chuckled.

 

“You are, my love.” Wylan jabbed Jesper in the ribs.

 

“I am not! Merchling, if you’d like to speak of idiocy, let us talk about what you accidentally said to me that first night when we were in the middle o-” Jesper was cut short by Wylan literally shoving a waffle into his still moving mouth, Wylan’s face turning bright red. Inej laughed and the sound reminded Kaz of wide open space with the sky in full view. Kaz wanted to taste thatlaugh.

 

“Have I apologized for that?” Kaz looked at Inej now as Jesper was animatedly chewing the waffle, making Wylan laugh.

 

“No. I think I at least deserve the term of ‘valuable’ investment. I know my worth, Kaz Brekker.” Inej said with her lips quirked, a small spot of sugar from her waffle was dusting above her lip. Kaz was entranced.

 

“I always knew you were valuable. Priceless, actually.” Kaz said softly, taking his hand that was not in hers and reaching for her face. He swiped the sugar from her lip, so quickly that the water did not come. It was a touch that was less than even a feather.

 

Inej laughed and touched her lip.  Her smile lit up her eyes. Kaz loved when he coaxed surprise from her. Inej’s eyes always told him how she felt, something he’d never stop being grateful for.

 

After a while, Kaz knew he needed to get back to the Barrel. Roeder had reports for him, numbers needed to be checked, he needed to plan a parlay with the new leader of the Liddies as soon as possible. It would be a show of force. Inej is here, though. His stupid heart chanted over and over. He made a note to himself that he could not waste his time while she was in Ketterdam. He knew he had at least seven more weeks with her, but he would make sure she knew she was welcome around more this week. They had much work to do together, anyhow. At least that’s what Dirtyhands screamed.

 

Kaz had left the dining room after breakfast, leaving no room for goodbyes. Kaz shrugged on his coat and was preparing to leave. Inej had caught his gaze before he left, and he’d felt her follow him. Hearing her was not something that could be done, Kaz was convinced.

 

“I’ll be casing the staking out the estate again tonight, I’ll report back.” Inej mumbled from behind him. Kaz turned to look at her and was once again struck by how beautiful she looked. Her legs were absolutely fascinating and Kaz made a vow to himself that he’d see them again when they were completely alone, someday.  

 

“Right.” Kaz said.

 

Inej came to stand in front of him and he thought she might hug him.

 

Kaz was severely unprepared for what the wraith did instead.

 

She met his gaze and before he knew what was happening, Inej had the extra fabric from the end of the sash of her robe in her hand. Inej stepped to her tiptoes, holding the fabric against his cheek. Inej leaned in and brushed a kiss to his cheek through the fabric before she stepped away, a smug smile on her face. She silently drifted back toward the dining room and their friends before Kaz’s mind could calculate what had happened.

 

Inej kissed him. Inej knew he could be sent reeling from her lips so the clever wraith found another way to get what she wanted. Kaz touched a gloved hand to his face, his mouth slightly parted.

 

Kaz felt like he’d been pickpocketed only to find that the thief had lifted 10 kruge and replaced it with 50 kruge. Inej had reverse pickpocketed him.

 

Kaz smiled like a criminal fool in the foyer of the Van Eck mansion.

 

Chapter 12: Ours

Summary:

Kaz is in a terrible mood, it's raining, his leg hurts. Inej might help the dire day end better.

Notes:

Chapter 12! Ah! I hope you all love it! Thank you to everyone who has read so far and continues to do so! Every comment and kudos means the absolute world to me. All feedback and advice is welcome! Thanks again!

KAZ

 

            It was pouring rain in Ketterdam, the sky showed no signs of halting its assault. Kaz’s leg felt like it was on fire and he knew he needed to sleep. Since breakfast at the Van Eck mansion this morning, he’d gone non-stop. He’d had to deal with a skimming dealer at the Club which hadn’t taken long but then Roeder had informed Kaz that a potential mark for another job had put his house on the market and was under the investigation of the stadwatch, muddling Kaz’s plans for the afternoon tenfold. Kaz had to rearrange plans five times over today while in constant pain and all Kaz really wanted was a hot shower and to be blissfully alone in going over his schemes for one Charles Hester.

 

            Kaz finally made it to the Slat sometime after eleven bells, and thankfully there was no one to pester him as he made his way into his office. Kaz would be up for hours yet going over plans and club prospects from the night prior, but he would not go to the club again tonight. Kaz rarely had a day when he would truly pay his leg any attention; but today was one of those days that his body demanded it. It enraged Kaz, he had too much work to be done.

 

            Kaz entered his office and took a long swig of bourbon from the bottle in his desk drawer, the warmth settling in him and thawing out his bones enough to make the climb to his attic for a shower.

 

            Thirty minutes later, Kaz was blissfully dry, warm and clean; in a fresh suit and returning to his office. Kaz opened the door to find the lamps in his office were now lit, and Inej was sitting on his first floor window sill, wringing her braid out the window. Kaz felt his gaze linger on her legs for a moment too long, it was distracting. Maybe he never should have been blessed with the sight of her bronze bare legs, he might never be able to clear his mind for work again.

 

            “Wraith.” Kaz grumbled. Despite his mood, Kaz wouldn’t turn away Inej. Even if he was in no mood for people.

 

Perhaps his person would be the exception.

 

            “Kaz.” Inej turned away from the window, silently slipping to the floor before pulling it closed behind her. Kaz noticed there was a package on his desk and he smelled salt. He hadn’t eaten but one meal in twenty-four hours he realized when the scent hit him.

 

            “Eat. It’s for you. From that place in East stave we went to before lifting that prima painting at the old Lange estate. Potatoes. I already ate there but I was certain you did no such thing, shevrati.” Know-nothing. Kaz was very familiar with that particular suli word. Inej had probably taught him that one first; well, not so much taught. Called him that first.

 

            Kaz nodded slowly. Inej brought him dinner and Kaz thought back to Jesper calling them domestic. Kaz didn’t find he much minded it. He made his way slowly with his limp to his desk and Inej perched herself right on top of it, next to him, with her legs swinging gently off the edge. He should have told her she was soaking the wood with her damp clothes, but he just didn’t have the energy to snap at her. He didn’t want to.

 

            Inej launched into telling him about how she’d cut her night short on the Hester estate as the man himself was suspected to not even have braved the weather and she’d gotten a poor look at the interior of the house, even with a spy glass, due to the down pour. Kaz listened to her as he ate, once again thankful for the wraith and her uncanny ability to realize things before even he did. Like that he’d not been eating.

 

            Inej was still musing over the layout of the basement in Charles Hester’s home so that they could concoct a drawn blueprint, when a knock sounded at the door of Kaz’s office. Inej slipped from her perch on his desk and moved a few feet away, standing near the window where it might look to anyone else that she was simply delivering information. Which, Kaz supposed she was, but he still appreciated her discretion. Kaz tossed his food container away and folded his napkin and straightened his tie.

 

            “Enter.” Kaz said lowly. He was still in a foul mood and wanted to rap whoever was unfortunate enough to walk through that door with his cane.

 

            “Boss I have- oh, wraith, you’re here too.” Anika’s blonde head bobbed into the room. She appeared mildly flustered. She was holding an envelope, probably a missive for Kaz. Kaz had been glad for Anika’s recovery, finding another lieutenant would have been tedious, and she was loyal. That was the extent of Kaz’s thoughts on the matter since she was cleared to get back to work by Arman two days ago.

 

            “What?” Kaz asked, he knew his tone relayed the clear message: ‘tell me and get the hell out.’

 

            “Letter from the runners on the docks near Liddies territory. Kid seemed bored, my guess is all clear and no appearances near our domain.” Anika stepped forward and dropped the missive on his desk. Kaz nodded and flicked his gaze to the door.

 

            Anika turned to leave, but she paused just before the door frame and turned.

 

            “Inej… could I have a word?” Anika asked hesitantly, not meeting Inej’s eye. Kaz had never heard Anika acknowledge Inej by her true name. Kaz lifted his gaze to Inej, he saw surprise run through her eyes and just ask quickly it was gone. Inej nodded slightly and followed Anika out of the room. Kaz had no idea what that was about, but he felt unjustly angry that Anika had called her away. Kaz felt unreasonably haggard, even he recognized it in himself tonight.

 

Who cares. My leg fucking hurts and fuck anyone who thinks anything of it.

 

            Kaz decided he’d go over the numbers and read the missive from the runner that Anika left. Kaz always found his brain could shut off when he ran club numbers and he desperately needed something to keep his mind off his abhorrent, angry limb. Kaz leaned back in his chair and rubbed his gloved hands over his eyes for a moment, then he took a steeling breath and straightened his spine.

 

            Back to work.

 

INEJ

           

            Inej followed Anika up the first flight of stairs in the Slat, surprised that Anika was leading Inej to her personal room. Anika opened the first door on the left to a small room that was slightly larger than Inej’s old quarters in the Slat. Enough room for a double bed, a small dresser and a chair that was draped in copious amounts of clothing. It was so normal, and yet Inej had never even seen this room while she lived here. Inej never had a reason to enter Anika’s space, it wasn’t like they’d been close. Despite their history, it saddened Inej a bit. The thought surprised her.

 

            Anika closed the door behind them and lit a lamp on her dresser casting the room in a warm glow. Inej heard Anika take a deep breath before she turned to face Inej, running her hand over the shaven side of her blonde head. Anika was rather pretty, in an unconventional way, Inej thought. Inej had always actually admired Anika’s chosen hair style, like Kaz, it was different. Inej always liked different things.

 

            “I just, uh, you saved my life. Literally. I know thank-yous aren’t conventional in the gang life or whatever and I don’t really know why the hell I’m doing this except that… that’s the closest I’ve come to dying. Rotty and Pim both told me you stepped in and took out Kane and the guy who grabbed me. The last thing I remember was you bowing to him, which, by the way, fucking hilarious.” Anika grit out as she fumbled over her words, twisting her hands together in front of her.

 

Anika had to be a good foot taller than Inej but right now she looked small, nervous. Inej may have had her… thoughts, on how Anika fawned over Kaz and how she’d treated Inej in the past, but Anika did not owe Inej gratitude. It was the way of it, Dregs are family. Your gang protects you, Ketterdam worked that way. Besides, Inej had saved Anika before, Anika just hadn’t known it. Inej didn’t feel the need to tally life debts owed to her when that was just the way of things in this city. Inej had her own life debts, though. Inej remembered thanking Nina when she’d saved her from death’s embrace on the Ferolind before the Ice Court. That life debt was one that Inej owed to Kaz as well, she barely remembered it, she’d been near unconscious; but she remembered he carried her and she remembered their conversation. He’d ran on his leg without a thought. Inej felt gratitude to Kaz and Nina every day for saving her life; Inej would not deny Anika the same.

 

            “You have no reason to thank me, but you are welcome.” Inej said softly, letting her gaze catch Anika’s, hoping that the other girl could see her genuineness.

 

            “I, look, I know I’ve been kind of… stand-offish with you in the past. It wasn’t personal. Or maybe it was, but I still shouldn’t have been a bitch. We’re all just trying to make it and my own hang ups shouldn’t have been directed on to you. I see that now.” Inej was immensely surprised, she had never expected Anika to address her behavior when it came to her.

 

            “I get it, I suppose. I appreciate the sentiment.” Inej mumbled, she normally always knew what to say to people, but now she felt out of the safe zone, this was the most words Inej had ever shared with Anika over the course of almost three years since Inej had joined the Dregs. Anika looked at Inej, squinting her green eyes just slightly, as if trying to decide if she should say something. Inej met her gaze easily, If Anika had something left to say, she should.

 

            “I… you knew I liked Kaz, right?” Anika dropped her stare to the floor. Inej almost felt bad for her, but it was not a competition for Kaz’s affections as Anika had always seemed to think it was. It was written blatantly in her stance whenever Inej drew near. Inej had no idea where this was going, she couldn’t tell Anika the truth, but right now, Inej wished she could. Not because she wished to hurt Anika, but rather to tell her so she could move on.

 

Better terrible truths than kind lies.

 

 Inej had seen the looks Pim was always giving Anika when she wasn’t looking. Anika and Pim were best friends and Pim had looked at her that way for as long as Inej had been in the Dregs. Anika deserved someone who had their eyes on her, everyone deserved that. Inej had found that with Kaz, as unorthodox as it may be.

           

            Inej opted to nod. She did not know what she could say to that.

            “Yeah I know it was obvious,” Anika snorted under her breath. She seemed to be working up to something.

 

            “I realized something though, I don’t even know him. Sure, he’s attractive, but every man and woman in the barrel knows that. But I only know what he shows to everyone. I see that now; he doesn’t care about me. At least, not any more than anyone else in the Dregs.” Anika paused, Inej was listening intently.

 

            “I know he cares, about all of us. He’d probably never say it, which doesn’t bother me. I’m not much for sentiment, despite this ridiculous situation,” Anika gestured between them. “But we all know who’s done the most for the Dregs. It’s why we have a house to live in, food to eat, kruge in our pockets. I guess I just realized I’ll never know more than that, even if I wanted to.” Anika finished with a deep breath. Inej looked her over, noticing that this admission had seemed to lift a slight weight off the blonde’s shoulders.

 

            “No, you’re right. Kaz does care in his own way. I do know that. But you deserve someone who looks at you, Anika. Who sees you. We may not be close, but everyone deserves that.” Inej said gently. Anika met her gaze once more and shook her head slightly.

 

            “What I’m trying to tell you wraith, is that I know. But you’ll never hear a word of it from me again. It’s a safe secret with me. I owe you my life, literally. And I… I still care about him. Even though he might as well be a stranger, he’s still our leader, our boss. Maybe I need to be shot more often for sense to be knocked into me.” Anika huffed a laugh and Inej was shocked into muteness. Inej dimly noted that her mouth was slightly agape.

 

How could Anika know anything? What if Anika wasn’t saying she knew about her and Kaz and Inej was just interpreting it that way?

 

“What… what are you talking about?” Inej asked, stumbling over her words in her stupor. The room was quiet for a long moment, the only sound was the rain battering Anika’s window and a roll of thunder in the distance. Inej looked her eyes up to Anika.

 

“I saw it. The day you came into the office when you got back to Ketterdam. Kaz didn’t do anything different than he ever does, except for one thing. He looked at you. Every single one of us entered that room before you and he didn’t look up from his desk once. He looked at you. But it wasn’t some one-time thing. I thought back, and… and he’s always looked at you, Inej. Every single time you come in a room, he looks at you. It’s quick, I doubt anyone else but me has ever noticed. But it’s because I want someone to look at me- that I noticed.” Anika said softly, with sureness lacing her tone.

 

“I… don’t know what to say.” Inej admitted. Kaz would be furious if she didn’t deny it, but Inej couldn’t deny what Anika had seen with her own two eyes. It wasn’t something she could do.

 

“You can just say it’s true. Like I said, outside of this room, I know nothing. But I want to know the truth. I’m the lieutenant here, and I will protect every member of this gang, but in order to do that, I don’t want to be lied to on this front. In a literal sense, I outrank you, but I’ve always known you outrank everyone besides Kaz in a real way. I know you don’t need help to protect yourself. But, fuck, it would be nice to know that I knew the truth and could help if either of you needed it.” Anika said as she rubbed her hand over her hair once again, standing a little straighter. Though her posture still dipped in comparison to Inej’s, Inej found respect for Anika deep in her bones. Inej understood.

 

“We… we’re together.” Inej confirmed, she couldn’t stop the words. Inej didn’t want to. Anika had been honest enough, down to admitting that Kaz was her own weakness previously. Inej didn’t want to end up regretting the decision to be honest about this, though. Inej spoke before Anika could respond.

 

“Don’t make me regret having spoken these words, Anika. I will not hesitate if anyone threatens him to get to me. And we both know Kaz won’t hesitate in any situation. You speak these words out of this room and you will have to watch your shadow for the rest of your life, knowing I could be there.” Inej grit out, she hoped her voice only carried the seriousness of this secret, she was not distrustful of Anika. But Anika had to see the truth.

 

Anika looked surprised to hear that Inej and Kaz were actually already committed to each other, but she washed it from her face in the span of a blink. All Inej found in Anika’s face was respect.

 

“The deal is the deal. I’ll never speak a word. Even to Kaz.” Anika said quietly, holding out her hand. Inej shook her hand with her own. Inej turned to leave and once she reached the door, Anika called out one more time.

 

“It makes sense, you know. You and him. Never seen anything make as much sense, actually.” Inej didn’t turn when she heard the words, but she smiled on her way out the door and back down the steps to Kaz’s office.

 

KAZ

 

            Kaz felt Inej a moment before she reentered his office, shutting the door behind her. Kaz had been trying and failing to stop feeling his blasted leg. Kaz was about ready to give up and try and climb the stairs for some sleep. It was a rare day when it was this bad. Maybe two or three days like this per year.

 

            Fuck the rain.

           

            Kaz flicked his gaze to Inej, she had a strange smile playing on her lips and she was absently looking out the window over his shoulder.

 

            “What did she want?” Kaz gave in to curiosity’s temptation after Inej was silent for a long moment.

 

            “She wanted to thank me for the other night.” Inej said softly as she took a seat in one of the chairs across from his desk.

 

            “That’s it?” Kaz mused as he set down his pen.

 

            “No. She wanted me to know that she… she knows Kaz. About…” Inej gestured with her hand, not speaking the words out loud in case of other prying ears in the hall.  “Not because she discovered something, but because she… liked you. She deduced why you didn’t look at her on her own.” Kaz was shocked. He ran a hand through his hair.

 

            If today could stop being strange, that would be a Saints damned miracle.

 

            “Fuck.” Kaz muttered. He didn’t know what to do. He should… he should tell Inej it was all off and back away from her entirely. He had too many enemies and if Anika so much as leaked a word, Inej could be in danger. Kaz felt like his heart stopped in his chest at the thought of Inej’s face if he did that.

 

Kaz had made a promise, hadn’t he? Knives drawn. Pistols Blazing. Without armor. Kaz couldn’t run from her now. This was a battle they could face together.

 

            “Don’t. Don’t run and say it’s for the better.” Inej’s voice was quietly firm, but cracking on each word. Inej must have seen something in his face, or read his goddamned mind. He cracked at the sound of that voice. He never wanted her voice to sound like that again.

 

            “In case you haven’t noticed, Inej, I’m in no form for running right now.” Kaz quipped, he had to let her know somehow. He wanted to see her smile again. Inej snorted a small, small laugh.

 

            “She won’t say anything Kaz, and if she did, she’s an idiot. I already threatened her to watch her shadow.” Inej mumbled, she was biting her lower lip again as she lifted her gaze to meet his again.

 

            “Of course you did.” Kaz huffed though a small smile worked his lips.

 

            “I guess I should brave the storm, it’s going to be hell in the down pour on the rooftops back to Wylan’s.” Inej said as she stood from her chair, Kaz felt like she was still worried he wasn’t going to stay, to fight for her, for them. It was something in her eyes as she flicked her gaze to his quickly.

 

            “Or you could stay here.” Kaz felt the words leave his mouth before he could think better of it.

 

            “My room’s gone, though. And all due respect, I don’t know who has done what on that sofa out there.” Inej mumbled with a chuckle.

 

            “I meant with me, wraith.” Kaz didn’t want to think it through. Kaz’s leg hurt and all he wanted was to go upstairs and go to bed, but he thought it might be more pleasant with Inej. They’d succeeded sleeping in the same bed once, that night on her ship. Kaz’s bed was small, but slightly bigger than the one in her cabin. Kaz knew if he woke from a nightmare, it would be hell to see her face. Kaz couldn’t stop himself from wanting to try, though.

 

It had been a shit day and he wanted his girl next to him.

 

He felt a flutter in his stomach at the thought.

 

            “Alright.” Inej nodded slowly, she met his gaze and he saw a ghost of a smile on her face.

           

            Ten minutes later, Kaz entered the attic and Inej was pulling his window shut, dripping rain water everywhere. Kaz shrugged his blazer off and limped his way to his trunk of clothes. He felt Inej’s eyes follow him through the room. The room was dark and he heard Inej light a match for the candles on his bookcase. The room was cast in a small flicker of light, Inej lit the lamp on his desk as well. Thunder boomed in the distance and lightning flashed through the windows as Kaz yanked through his clothes. Kaz pulled out one of his white button ups and a pair of sleep trousers he’d had for years. Kaz limped to Inej and held out the small bundle of clothing. Inej raised a brow in question.

 

            “I adore you, Inej, but sleeping next to a rain soaked wraith does not sound appealing.” Kaz quipped with a crooked grin. He lied. He’d sleep next to Inej in any state if he was allowed, but she was shivering from her climb to his window. Kaz gestured to the bathroom with his hand once she took the clothes.

 

            “Fine.” Inej rolled her eyes but he also saw gratitude shine back at him.

 

            Kaz changed into a pair of his own sleep clothes, a black t-shirt and some gray cotton pants while Inej was in the bathroom. Kaz moved one candle to his bedside table and finally sat down on his bed, his leg immediately grateful after the climb to the attic. He swung his leg up and splayed it out before him, leaning against the headboard. He was in the middle of trying to massage his screaming knee when Inej exited the bathroom. All thoughts left his mind.

 

            Inej. Inej in his clothes. Inej with her hair down in his dress shirt and pants that she must have rolled at the waist five times to make them the right length, they still dragged. Kaz wanted everything he couldn’t have. He’d like to be the man who could undress her now and have her whispering his name within minutes.

 

            “Uh they’re a little long,” Inej flicked out a foot to display his pants still covering her entire foot. Kaz couldn’t help but laugh, he may want many things that are yet out of reach, but Inej going to bed with him, even in the most innocent sense, was already more than he ever deserved.

 

            Inej moved to the other side of his bed and looked questioningly, Kaz pulled open the sheets for her, just as he had on her ship. Inej smiled and slipped into them silently. He saw her inhale and he suddenly wondered if he had a scent. Kaz had grabbed a spare blanket he had for himself out of his trunk, he still wouldn’t brave sleeping under the sheets with her.

 

The sight of Inej with her ink black hair splayed out around his pillows was something Kaz would remember for the rest of his life, he was sure of it. Inej was smiling at him from her laying down position, a good two feet of space between them, he was still sitting up.

 

            “What, wraith?” Kaz looked at her fully now. Her smile did not let up.

 

            “I’m smiling because I’m here. With you. In a room I’ve been in a million times but never got to stay in, even if I had wanted to.” Inej mumbled, her eyes were tracing over his face and Kaz felt his skin warm.

 

            “You wanted to?” Kaz asked. This had surprised him, Inej’s admission.

 

            “Once or twice.” Inej jested, he couldn’t make out if she was flushed in the dim light but he sure as hell hoped so.

 

            Kaz hummed non-committedly. Inej’s smile grew wider. Inej enjoyed surprising him too, he realized. Kaz pulled his blanket from the floor and scooted himself down onto his bed to lay beside her. Careful of his leg, he laid down. Kaz gritted his teeth and winced when it throbbed from the movement.

 

            “Is it bad today?” Inej asked gently from beside him. Kaz nodded. There was no point in lying, she already knew the answer before she asked the question.

 

            “You should invest in an ice box; you can ice it before bed. I did that for years whenever ice was available; when I broke my ankle.” Inej said. Kaz had never known she’d broken her ankle.

 

            “When did you break it?” Kaz asked, turning his gaze to her, her eyes were closed now. The wraith was drowsy.

 

            “I was eight, fell off the wire. Don’t mock me for the rest of our lives because you now know I fell once.” Inej mumbled sleepily. Kaz knew she was not long for consciousness. He felt a wave of emotion hit him hard in the chest.

 

            Inej had said ‘our lives’.

 

Kaz didn’t think he’d ever let himself imagine a future. In the barrel, every day you made it through was a lucky draw at the table of fate. But Kaz was boss now, most wouldn’t even come close to him in the barrel knowing what he was capable of. He was stronger and safer than he’d been in his entire life. Maybe he could think of something like a future.

 

Kaz wanted that word to describe his future. Ours. With Inej.

 

            Kaz heard a soft snore from Inej, a piece of her hair had already fallen in her face. Kaz realized his gloves were still on, he slipped them off and turned and tossed them to his bedside table. He blew out the candle and then Kaz turned back to Inej, and careful not to touch her skin in fear of waking her or her demons, Kaz lifted that strand of hair from her face and tucked it behind her head.

 

            As Kaz Brekker looked upon his sleeping Wraith, his own eyelids drooping, he wondered if he should buy her a toothbrush for the attic bathroom. He’d like more nights like this.

 

Chapter 13: You & Me

Summary:

Kaz feels like he's made progress. He becomes brave, does it pay off?

Notes:

Hey guys! Chapter 13! This one is a shorter one, but I wanted to include it as it's own part nonetheless. It felt important to recognize Kaz working through his demons, but also still having set backs. To make up for the late upload, I'll be updating again with the next part within the next few hours! Hope you love it and thanks so much to every single one of you who has commented and read this story! It means everything to me! As always, please comment with any thing you would like to share, feedback in all forms is welcome! Thanks again!

INEJ

 

            Inej woke to rain still battering the attic windows, the sun must have just risen-but the clouds made the morning dreary. Inej felt warm and peaceful as her eyes followed rain drops moving down the window on the wall adjacent from Kaz’s bed. She could hear Kaz’s steady breathing behind her coming from the other side of the bed. Inej rolled over to look at him as carefully as she could, she did not want to wake him.

 

            Kaz was turned towards her, his hair messed up from his sleep, his blanket pooling at his waist, his shirt slightly ridden up and Inej could see the muscular pale skin on his abdomen, flecked with slightly pink scars. She wished she could reach out and touch her hand to him there, just to find out if he was warm or cool to the touch in the morning. Kaz’s face was unmarred by his trademark frown, in his sleep he looked his age. Eighteen going on nineteen and a young man. One pale hand was pillowed under his head and Inej wondered if he always slept on his side or if when he was alone, he slept on his back. Kaz did not snore, his breathing was silent and deep. Inej was aware this was probably an odd thing to be doing, but she was transfixed. Kaz was beautiful, all his harsh lines softer somehow in sleep. His brows were relaxed, his mouth barely parted. Inej made a solemn promise to herself that someday, she would know what it felt like to kiss his lips first thing in the morning.

 

            “Do you spy on people in their sleep frequently?” Kaz grumbled, his eyes not yet open. Surprise coursed through her. Inej noted a small quirk of his lips. His voice was even deeper with sleep and Inej didn’t know his voice would change in the morning. It was an attractive noise that sent a wave of heat all the way through her. Inej realized that she was the only person in the world to have seen Kaz Brekker like this. Sleepy and comfortable. She would value the image forever.

 

            “Not often. I’m afraid you’re the first, in fact. I best work on my tactics of stealth in this particular situation.” Inej whispered, her eyes hung on the piece of hair tumbling over Kaz’s forehead. Kaz chuckled, he still had not opened his eyes. Inej wondered if she touched his hair, if that would be a problem. She decided there was no harm in trying, though she wasn’t sure it was a good idea.

 

            Inej reached out her hand and very gently moved that piece of raven hair back into place on Kaz’s head. She saw him tense for only a second, before he realized she had not aimed to touch his skin. He hummed contentedly, Inej realized he must have still been half asleep. She raised the stakes. She ran her hand through his hair, brushing it back with her fingers gently, avoiding getting too close to his scalp. His hair was even softer than she’d imagined it, it was like silk. Real silk. Kaz had a small smile on his lips, his eyelashes subtly fluttered. Inej realized maybe this felt nice for him, the way it had felt nice when he’d brushed her own hair. Inej continued her task, fascinated by the way this felt. It meant so much to Inej, to be here.

 

 Laying down in bed with Kaz on a dreary morning, sharing small touches. It may have only been hair but it was gentle, private. The rain continued to batter the windows and Inej didn’t want to be anywhere else but here, in this safe and warm place with the boy who’d picked the lock on her soul with his crooked grins and hidden kindness.

 

            Kaz reached out and he wrapped his hand around her wrist and for a moment, Inej was scared her touches to his hair had become too much, even though she had not brushed his skin. Inej realized then that if that was the case, Kaz would have let go of her bare wrist within seconds. Instead, Kaz pressed his thumb gently to her pulse point, and he opened his eyes finally. He looked directly into her eyes, and something seemed to release for him, perhaps he needed to look at her when his trauma began to surface. Inej wondered when the day would be that he would tell her what happened to him… tell her his story. Inej wanted to understand fully, she knew bits and pieces. But Inej did not know what led to Kaz having his problem with human skin; she knew it had to be something horrific. Inej didn’t imagine it was the same as her problems, though it could be. She had saved boys from slave ships as well. Inej didn’t imagine it was though, Kaz had seemed like he was… drowning, on the day he’d first ever tried to be near to her, in the hotel bathroom.

 

            Kaz pulled her hand towards himself and Inej let him guide her, she wasn’t sure what he was going to do. His eyes did not leave hers as he set her hand gently against his face, the way Inej had touched him in the Ice Court in Fjerda. This time, Inej let her thumb stroke in a feather light touch along his cheekbone. Inej had wanted to know how sharp his cheekbones felt beneath her fingers for a long time; she never dreamed she’d be able to find out. Kaz looked at her for a long moment, seeming to push his demons away, before he fluttered his eyes shut.

 

            Inej could have sworn she heard the metal clang of armor falling to the ground.

 

KAZ

 

            Kaz had felt the revulsion, he’d felt so nauseous for a moment that he almost jumped out of his bed, damning himself for bringing her hand to his face. Then Kaz had felt her thumb move, gently across his cheek and the water had dropped from his shoulders to his waist in the span of a few moments. Kaz saw her eyes shining in the dim morning light and he wondered what she was thinking. Kaz wondered if she was thinking of the day she’d touched his face at the Ice Court.

 

Kaz continued to focus on his thoughts of her, and on her thumb brushing his face in a gentle motion that was anything but lifeless. Kaz realized that had helped, every time he’d held her hand, she would brush her fingers over his skin in circles every now and then, she had gently squeezed his sides when she hugged him. Kaz realized those reminders, those movements, made touch easier for him- at least slightly. The way her warmth leaked through the pad of her thumb as she touched his skin reminded him that she was alive. Not a corpse. He was alive. Not a corpse. Kaz felt like it was a small breakthrough for him, the discovery that touch with reminders in the form of movement seemed to help his subconscious know that there were no corpses in sight. Kaz let his eyes shut once his stomach settled and the water barely brushed his toes; enjoying the feeling of Inej’s hand on his face. Inej’s touch was something he craved, every day.

 

Kaz felt like he’d walked in the heat and sun for years with no hint of hydration in sight, and this moment, with Inej’s hand on his face, was the moment that he found fresh water.

 

Kaz knew he should get up, get to work. Kaz wanted to spend the day in this bed with Inej instead. Kaz decided then that he would never get anything done unless he was able to set aside some time with her, alone. Just like this moment.

 

“You’re thinking of getting up aren’t you?” Inej asked quietly, her hand not leaving his face. He wanted to laugh, could she really see that much of his mind?

 

“And if I was, Inej?” Kaz opened his eyes to look at her.

 

She was biting her damn lip. It was unfairly distracting. Kaz felt like it was a direct response from the saint’s themselves every time Inej did that, and he could not kiss her and bite that lip himself.

 

“Then I’d have to persuade you to see reason, obviously the smarter decision would be to stay here with me where it is warm and safe from the rain.” Inej said softly with a chuckle.

 

Kaz laughed, reaching to turn her hand on his face to him, he took a deep breath but he wanted to try. He leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to her wrist, where her pulse beat at a ravenous rhythm. His lips buzzed with the sensation, desire flashed into him; and then he felt the water rising.

 

He looked at her quickly, breathing slightly uneven. He began to pull away, but she stared back and she must have seen something in his eyes. Inej backed away across the bed much faster and silently. Taking her hand gently away from him. It all happened too quickly.

 

            Kaz wanted to break something. Kaz took repeated deep breaths, rolling to his back, trying to stop the water from continuing. He squeezed his eyes shut. He felt bloated skin brush past his ankles and he swallowed harshly, he did not want to hyperventilate now. After several agonizingly long minutes, Kaz opened his eyes to the ceiling, calm again. He turned his head, but Inej was no longer on his bed. He had been drowning and he hadn’t sensed her move away from him, this enraged him. All Kaz wanted was to be able to…. To kiss her wrist. He’d kissed her hand that night on the ship, but that had been less of a kiss, and more of a brush of his lips… he just wanted to be able to do it. He felt like he’d broken down a barrier with her hand on his face. It had made him brave. Inej had seen his shame clearly now. Kaz felt split open. He felt like his heart had fallen out of his chest and she’d seen how broken it was.

 

“Are you alright?” Inej asked, Kaz sat up abruptly. She hadn’t left. He hadn’t been able to sense her while drowning, either. Inej was standing near his desk, across the room. She was looking at him with questioning eyes. She was still in his clothes and her hair shined when the window light caught it.

 

Kaz nodded once. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and held his head in his hands for a moment, elbows on his legs. Kaz needed to tell her. He knew he did. He just didn’t know how. Kaz had relived the worst moments of his life over and over again and he’d never told another person about any of it. Kaz had no idea how to let this part of his armor go. It felt like ripping off his own skin; in fact, Kaz would prefer to do that rather than tell Inej what had happened to him and for her to potentially decide once and for all that he was far to broken and twisted for someone so beautifully strong as her. Kaz wouldn’t blame her if she ran. Kaz wouldn’t do anything if she decided that for herself, it was her choice. Kaz felt a lump of anxiety drop deep into his stomach. He would tell her. But not right now.

 

“When will you tell me what happened to you, Kaz?” Inej had moved closer and her voice was a whisper, pleading with him.

 

Kaz looked up, she was standing in front of him now, her eyes begged him for something he wanted to give her so badly that it terrified him. Trusting Inej with everything, all his broken parts… it was the one thing in his entire life that Kaz wasn’t sure he’d be able to do. Seeing her eyes like this though, he knew he had to try. Inej deserved that. Kaz deserved that much too; to be able to tell his story to one other human being without having to lock all his armor back into place.

 

“If I promise you that I will, soon, just not right now, would that be enough?” Kaz found himself asking and he felt the truth in his own words. He would try and tell her, but not right after drowning. He couldn’t force the words out now. Kaz took his head from his hands and looked back up at her. Her eyes were kind, soft.

 

“I’ll hold you to the deal, Kaz. But yes, that- I can live with that. I just… I needed to know that I wouldn’t be left in the dark forever. I want to share your burden, the way you took on mine. Do you understand?” Inej said quietly, her gaze never shaking from his, her shoulders never dropping.

 

“I do.” Kaz heard himself answer. Kaz didn’t know how Inej could still be standing here, looking at him the way she was, like she still wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. Kaz had failed to kiss her wrist, it wasn’t like he’d even tried to kiss her cheek, her lips. How could she still want him?

 

“Because there’s far more here than that, and you know it, Kaz.” Inej spoke, and Kaz had no idea he’d even said those thoughts aloud. He was truly in a poor state now.

 

“I do know that.” Kaz released a heavy sigh and stood. Inej moved away from him and looked very confused when he stood and slipped his blazer on right over his t-shirt, and pulled his gloves on. He was sure he looked ridiculous in sleep trousers and a blazer, but he didn’t care. Kaz wasn’t leaving this room; he knew what he wanted. What he needed.

 

Kaz sat down on the edge of his bed once more and gestured with his hand, asking Inej to cross the room back to him. Inej raised a brow that said she was skeptical of making things worse by being close to him now. But she stepped in front of him between his knees nonetheless. Kaz looked in her eyes before he moved his arms around her waist. He rested his forehead on her stomach. He felt her go still for a moment, and then he felt her hand in his hair, the way she had brushed it back only thirty minutes’ prior.

 

Kaz had put his jacket and gloves on, because he had desperately wanted to hug her, even through their layers of clothes. Kaz knew he’d be able to still do this, with their layers and he needed… he needed to be close to her again after drowning. Kaz let himself get lost in the feeling of her hands in his hair, and the gentle curve of her waist under his arms. Kaz almost thought he imagined it, when he heard Inej say something under her breath.

 

“It’s you and me, Kaz. We never stop fighting.”

 

 

 

 

Chapter 14: Back Up, Darling

Summary:

Inej finds out news about the mark she's been spying on, leaving her enraged. Kaz decides to take the night off, drinking ensues. What happens?

Notes:

Ah Chapter 14! I'm sorry its a few hours later than promised but I really hope you guys love this one, it was so so much fun to write. I wanted to explore the idea of a 'date' between Kaz and Inej but i didn't want it to be something formal. I wanted it to be fun and most importantly be them. I hope you all love it, and I can't thank everyone enough for supporting this story- every comment makes my day! Thank you for reading and all feedback and comments are of course welcome and encouraged!

INEJ

            The night was cloudy and damp, but the rain had finally let up to a patter instead of a roll; and the wraith was laying on a rooftop on her belly. A spyglass twisted in her hand as she spied on Charles Hester in his study. He was pacing and wringing his hands as if he was anxious for something- he also kept checking a wall where Inej was sure a clock depicted the time, nine bells and a quarter.

 

            Inej had seen his wife leave in a carriage just after six bells, a trunk in tow. Inej had only watched the estate since the week prior when this began; but now knew that the unfortunate wife, Thalia Hester, visited her sister in the countryside every other weekend, thanks to Roeder’s previous intel. Charles looked like he was awaiting something, or someone.

 

            Two more hours’ past, and the rain had kicked back up a beat, leaving Inej in wet clothes and no further intel of use. She dimly wondered how Charles hadn’t popped a blood vessel from all his pacing.

 

Maybe it would be retribution enough to watch the man keel over and die from a rooftop away.

 

Inej wanted to leave, she hadn’t had a shower since that morning and she hadn’t seen Kaz since she left the morning prior. The night in between had been too stormy for any recon of use and Inej had instead indulged Jesper in drinking and brand new sea shanties from her travels. Wylan had played the piano for them and laughed every time Jesper hiccupped during his verses. It warmed Inej’s heart thinking of nights like those, with her chosen tribe. It had been a wonderful evening that Inej wished she would have shared with Kaz, as well.

 

Kaz had almost gone into a panic in front of her the morning before, all from trying to give her a kiss against her wrist. Inej had felt like someone ripped out her heart seeing him like that again, his eyes nearly as panicked as the day long ago in the bathroom of the Geldrenner. Inej had meant her words to him, she needed to know what happened so she could understand. When Inej had told him without armor, she had as much meant the armor around his heart and mind as she meant it about his body and leather clad hands. Inej could also be patient, but he had said soon and she would hold him to his word; though she knew he wouldn’t have said it unless he intended to follow through.

 

Kaz Brekker was alwaysa man of his word.

 

Inej shook herself from her thoughts when a carriage and four pulled into the access alley of the Hester estate-it was strange that a carriage had not pulled into the front drive; almost as if Charles did not want prying eyes to see he had company if they strolled the road in front of his home. Inej tipped her spy glass and scooted closer to the edge of the roof, the rain was not yet heavy enough for her not to be able to get a decent view.

 

Inej was able to make out the bustle of skirts, and a coachman held an umbrella over the womanly figure entering the Hester estate under the cover of night and rain. Inej wondered who this woman would be. With his wife gone, Inej had figured Charles would have visited the Vixen’s Garden. His new favorite pleasure house; Inej had no idea why he no longer frequented the Menagerie.

 

Inej vaguely wondered if he’d stopped that particular excursion on his route of wickedness when Kaz had gotten her out of that horrendous place. Perhaps his appetite for Lynx had been sated.

 

Inej kept her spyglass pointed to Hester, in his study. He paused his pacing when a servant opened the door, presumably to let him know that his company had arrived. Inej felt a twist in her stomach, it felt like something was about to happen, something unpleasant. Inej always trusted her gut feelings, and this moment was no different. Perhaps whatever she was about to discover could help Kaz navigate a scheme to run Charles Hester into the ground and six feet under forever. Inej had to stay her course, even with the chilling rain seeping into her bone marrow.

 

Inej’s mind could not catch up to the sight in front of her, some minutes later. Her reality was frayed like the end of a rope.

 

No. No. How? Why?

 

Inej had seen enough. Inej took off as fast as the rain would allow to the Slat. Inej wanted to scream until her vocal chords snapped and she became a phantom on the wind.

 

KAZ

 

            Kaz was sitting at his desk in the attic, having brought the copious amounts of paperwork that needed completing with him. He had wanted to climb to his room in the attic after returning from the club before his leg got worse with the rain ramping up again. Kaz hated the late autumn months, his leg seemed to prefer even the snow over the blasted rain. In the middle of yet another signature, Kaz felt Inej’s presence on his window sill. He fought his urge to smile, he hadn’t seen her since she left after his near episode the morning prior.

 

            “Wraith.” Kaz flicked his gaze to her now, she stepped silently into the room and shut the window harshly behind her. She was dripping with rain water and she didn’t even seem to have noticed he’d said anything. Inej began to pace in front of his desk, her fists clenching and unclenching at her sides, her gaze on the ground. Kaz knew she was angry, but he did not suspect it was with him. Kaz was momentarily at a loss for words, Inej very rarely looked rage induced.

 

Something had happened, something that unsettled even his Wraith.

 

            “Inej.” Kaz rasped after she continued pacing for a few minutes, surely waring holes into the floor boards. She needed to get out of her thoughts, he could tell. Inej preferred to sit still and he’d never seen her pace in anger.

 

            “What?” Inej paused and shook her head, acknowledging Kaz for the first time. A drop of rain water slipped down her forehead and she wiped furiously at it. Her tone was harsh but Kaz noticed her eyes focus on him and she took a deep breath.

 

            “Care to share before we end up in some unfortunate Dreg’s room below us?” Kaz quipped, setting down his pen and leaning back in his chair to listen to her. Inej didn’t smile, her gaze had dropped back to the floor. She began pacing again.

 

            “He has a mistress, Kaz. A mistress. I’ll give you every kruge in my pocket right now if you can even guess who it is.” Inej had raised her voice and had barely paused to look at him. Inej looked like she wanted to break something and Kaz could empathize. He’d been there- in fact he was a household name there.

 

            Kaz wasn’t sure why Charles Hester’s mistress was a problem but Kaz would indulge Inej and her bet. Kaz needed to find out what exactly was tormenting Inej when she hated the man so much, with excellent reason. Kaz hated him too and if she asked him to, Kaz would pick up his cane and pistol now and walk to Hester’s front door and deliver a death warrant in the form of a crows head and a bullet.

 

            “Let me guess, one of his colleague’s wives? Or perhaps his own servant? Mercher’s tend to be the same across the board on this front, Inej. You know that as much as I do.” Kaz said easily and immediately regretted it. Inej turned toward him slowly and her glare was icy, she let out a frustrated laugh.

 

            “I’m not surprised he has a mistress, Kaz. I couldn’t care less. I know how many men in this city don’t have a loyal bone or appendage on their person. Do not think me naïve, we’ve cased many an estate with mistresses. Do you think I would be this upset if it was not something different than “across the board”?” Inej’s tone was laced with anger, but Kaz still sensed it was not directed to him. He was about to speak when Inej continued, her voice low and filled with untamed rage.

 

            “Tante Heleen. That is who his mistress is.” Kaz swallowed and nodded slowly, the new information did surprise him; but it did not change anything. All this did was tell Kaz that two of his most wanted targets could be caught in the same room together. The only thing it could change was if after hitting Charles’ estate for all his slave trade funds, perhaps they could find out if Tante Heleen was working along-side him. Perhaps Charles was considering funding the Menagerie’s acquirement of girls as well as the Vixen Garden’s. Kaz and Inej would take it all down from beneath them.

 

It would be like blowing a breath on the cards at the base of the card house. Swift. Utterly catastrophic.

 

“It doesn’t change anything.” Kaz said, trying to force kindness into his otherwise gruff voice. Inej had looked upon her worst nightmares tonight. Kaz knew she had resisted slitting their throats. Kaz almost wished she hadn’t. Damn the revenge. But, Kaz also knew Inej wanted to stop the slave trade more than anything, if she took out those two leads now, her chances of success on the true sea would be far lower.

 

“What do you mean it changes nothing?” Inej snapped, her hands clenching again at her sides, shoulders back.

 

“What does it change with our approach to Charles Hester?” Kaz paused until he had Inej’s gaze locked on his. “We still need to get into that safe. We still need to find out which slave routes he supplies his funds to. As far as Heleen goes, this will be our first slight against her. I doubt she has any true attachment to the man, you know as well as I that her pleasure house is all she deems worthy of her affections. Which means I’d wager she knows that Hester throws his extra funds around to acquire bodies for the Vixen’s Garden. She wants him to funnel kruge into skin for the Menagerie, instead. Heleen is not above using her own body to reach that goal. We still need to take out Hester’s funds, Inej. That is what I mean.” Kaz said, running his hand over his hair. Inej was seeing red, and for that he could not blame her.

 

“I really hate that.” Inej said softly, releasing a heavy sigh.

 

“Hate what?” Kaz questioned.

 

“When you’re right. I wanted a reason to throw knives at their faces, Kaz.” Inej slipped with a small smile.

 

“I’m right quite often, Inej darling. It should stop surprising you.” Kaz grinned a knife edged smile.

 

“If you’re not careful, I’m going to throw my knives at you and we shall see who is cheeky then.” Inej mumbled as she finally sat in the chair in front of his desk.

 

“You’d miss me, how unfortunate for you.” Kaz joked. He had an idea, and perhaps he could take a step away from his papers for the rest of the evening, what little there was left of it. Inej clearly needed a distraction from her rage. Inej giggled as she rolled her neck, probably stiff from hours of casing the estate and looking through a spy glass.

 

“Stop being right.” Inej mumbled with a soft smile. Kaz decided then that his work for the evening was done with. For once, Kaz couldn’t give a damn and there was nothing besides Inej that demanded his attention at this moment.

 

Kaz stood and went to the single painting that hung on the wall behind him to his left, next to his desk. It was the only thing hung on the walls in his attic rooms. The painting meant nothing to him, it was marked with small holes all across the front of it and it had some mediocre landscape etched into the canvas. He saw Inej tilt her head just slightly, a thing she did when she was confused. Kaz turned away from her, suppressing a smile. He lifted the painting off the wall to reveal a target behind it, marked with holes from days when Kaz needed to shut off his brain, or, comparatively, when he desperately needed to figure something out- a job, a scheme, his demons. Kaz had never shown this to anyone, but now Inej would know of its existence.

 

Perhaps the Wraith would prefer a wager to rage.

 

INEJ

 

            Inej watched as Kaz revealed a target hidden behind the lone painting in his room, Inej had always wondered if the painting had meant anything to Kaz. She supposed it did, in a sense. It hid something.

 

Kaz and his secrets were like magnets. Always together.

 

            “There was a dart board behind that?” Inej asked incredulously, shaking her head. “There’s holes in the painting, because you threw darts with it still hanging? I thought you had moths, Kaz!” Inej exclaimed quietly with a smile pulling her lips.

 

            “You thought I had moths? Near my suits? No Inej, absolutely not.” Kaz laughed freely and Inej was overcome with the urge to just touch that smile with her own. She loved when Kaz laughed like that. A small dimple would appear in his right cheek with that free type of laughter. It made her heart ache in a beautiful way.

 

            “Well how was I supposed to know! What if that painting was a family heirloom or something?” Inej jibed and Kaz smiled that brilliantly crooked smile before his chuckle was too much to hold back. Inej felt pleasant warmness spread through her at the happiness in his dark eyes.

 

            “I got the painting in a dumpster, for Ghezen sake, Inej.” Kaz choked out in between receding chuckles. He ran a gloved hand over the side of his face.

 

            “Fine. So you play darts?” Inej questioned, standing from her chair and going to the dart board, that was filled with hundreds of marks. Inej heard Kaz move to his desk and open a drawer.

 

            “No, I play knives.” Kaz answered as he pulled out a set of onyx throwing blades. Inej felt laughter bubble in her throat and she could not contain it even if she wished.

 

            “I suppose I do too.” She gritted out pointing at her blades on her arms and legs, her laughter taking over. Inej didn’t understand what the look Kaz gave her was, but he was watching her laugh as if he’d never heard the noise before. There was a smile gracing his lips and Inej noticed in the span of a few moments, those trickster hands had removed his gloves and from sight without her even noticing.

 

            “Care to play a round or two?” Kaz asked her now as he limped toward her.

 

            “Obviously. I throw knives all the time.” Inej jested as he motioned for her to back up.

 

            “So do I, or did you not notice the holes? Oh wait, moths must have gotten to that too.” Kaz grinned crookedly.

 

            “Oh you are awful.” Inej mumbled as she stood in the spot he gestured to.

 

            “We all know that.” Kaz said with amusement lighting his eyes. “Shall we wager?” Kaz asked.

 

            “I have no need to take your kruge Kaz, and I sure as hell know you don’t need mine.” Inej laughed, taking a single blade from his hand and testing the slight weight and balance in her hand.

 

            Kaz hummed and Inej saw an idea pass through his eyes and he grinned deviously.

 

            Oh no.

 

            Kaz limped to his desk and pulled out two glass tumblers and an unopened bottle of amber liquid. “Drinks instead of kruge then.”

 

Inej felt butterfly wings tickle her stomach. Inej had never seen Kaz well and truly drunk, she wondered what that was like. Kaz was always in control, always refined and polished. She herself was the only one to know what he looked like when he wasn’t those things- an image of Kaz lying next to her in bed in the morning flashed into mind. Was he the type to have looser lips when he drank? Was he like her, easy to laugh? Was he angry? Was he affectionate? No. Inej didn’t imagine he was either of those last two options. Inej hoped he was easy to make laugh, this was a wager she intended to win.

 

            “What shall it be then? A drink per bullseye, a sip per ring?” Inej asked with a wicked grin of her own. Kaz was feeling cheeky today and she found she very much enjoyed it, she enjoyed happiness on Kaz Brekker. It was her favorite look of his.

 

            “The deal is the deal, Wraith.” Kaz grinned and stood beside her, gesturing for her to go first, her blade already poised in her fingers. Inej took a deep breath and imagined Tante Heleen at the center of the target, how could her saints not aid her blade in striking true this time? Inej lifted her arm back, her posture fit for an act on the wire. She let the blade fly.

 

Bullseye.

 

            “Drink up, Dirtyhands.” Inej beamed once her blade stopped its wobble on the board. Kaz rolled his eyes but poured himself a drink and downed the entire thing. Inej found herself watching his throat as he tilted the drink back, the pale skin almost completely unmarred save for a small freckle just below his adam’s apple. Inej wondered if he had a birthmark. Inej had one on her left ankle, a constellation of freckles. When Inej was small, her father had claimed was a mark for greatness by the saints.

 

            “Back up, Darling.” Kaz said as she moved out of his way. Inej smiled, she found she enjoyed his small affections, like the term ‘darling’. Inej never would have thought herself to be the girl who enjoyed being called anything but her name, but Kaz had this way of wringing surprises out of her about herself. Kaz had shrugged out of his blazer and rolled his sleeves up to his elbows. It was infuriatingly distracting.

 

            Kaz raised one arm and with the flick of a pale wrist, the blade landed true, just inside the bullseye next to Inej’s own. Damn him.

 

            “I believe it’s your turn to drink, Inej.” Kaz said as he limped to the board and retrieved both blades. Inej shook her head. Infuriating, talented man.

 

            Inej poured herself a drink and took a deep swig, unable to drink the whole thing as Kaz had. Bourbon never went down as easy for her. She knew she made a face as she swallowed based on Kaz’s chip on his shoulder and crooked grin. Inej resisted the urge to show him a gesture that heavily relied on one finger, Kaz had taught her that gesture himself when she was fresh out of the Menagerie, and she had no idea what it meant. It was then that Inej realized that Kaz had successfully distracted her from all of her previous rage. A warm arm of gratitude wrapped her heart. Kaz hadn’t even thought, he’d just acted. It made Inej want to kiss his cheek again, even through fabric. She wanted far more, but she would settle for being able to do that again. Soon.

 

            An hour later, they were still throwing knives, but neither of them could make a perfect shot anymore. Due to both the bourbon and their bickering over turn order. Inej did not think she had laughed quite this much in a long while- it was surely the most she had ever seen Kaz smile. His laughs were harder to earn, and Inej valued each one as if she could stuff them in a safe to look at whenever he was not near. Inej had landed a blade two rings from the bullseye and released a frustrated sigh paired with a chuckle.

 

            “Do you want to know a secret?” Kaz asked, she knew he was still much soberer than she, but his skin was slightly flushed, something she had never seen before. Inej found it was a delightful color and committed it to her memory. Inej answered in suli before thinking of it.

            “What does that one mean?” Kaz asked as he retrieved their blades.

 

            “It means: Secrets are simply a memory we wish to keep for ourselves, whether wicked or remarkable.” Inej answered as she sipped her drink. Kaz nodded, as if he was trying to commit it to his own memory. Kaz walked to her and he looked her in the eye in question, Inej wasn’t sure what he wanted but nodded slightly. He gripped her left arm lightly and triggered the quick-release mechanism on Sankt Petyr. Inej raised a brow as he removed the blade. Kaz tested the weight in his hand and Inej noticed a small smile light his face, his eyes were appraising the blade as if remembering something. Inej knew he’d explain when he was ready. A few moments later, he lifted his gaze to her.

 

            “This is the best one to throw, the throwing knives feel too light.” Kaz said as he flipped the blade between his fingers once, as if it were a deck of cards.

 

            “You’ve thrown Sankt Petyr?” Inej whispered surprise lacing her voice. This was the first blade she’d ever owned and the first knife she’d used on the job. Kaz had given it to her a week after he’d convinced Per Haskell to buy her indenture. Perhaps he’d tested it himself before giving it to her? Inej remembered that day, when she’d walked into her room a floor below them now.

 

            A box sat in the center of her cot, a simple white cardstock. Inej looked back out of her room to see if anyone was nearby to have placed it there and was met with no one in the hall. Inej walked toward her bed and sat down, taking the box into her lap.

 

            Inej opened the box to reveal a knife on a bed of tissue paper. A simple note in a messy scrawl read:

 

            Learn how to use it. Training at seven bells.

                        -K

 

            Inej remembered how she felt when she’d taken the wicked little blade in her hand. She felt like she could become what the boy, Kaz, had told her she was. Dangerous. The knife had glinted in the sun from her small window and Inej Ghafa felt like a piece of herself clicked back into place.

 

            The Lynx had claws.

 

            “Yes. Many times.” Kaz said in a near whisper, flicking the blade between his fingers again. He lifted his gaze to hers and Inej let her questions show in her eyes. Kaz released a breath.

 

            “It was the first blade I ever bought, when I had enough money. It was after… after my brother died.” Kaz said and Inej felt shock whip through her.

 

Sankt Petyr had been Kaz’s own blade? How many times had she used this knife? How many times had this knife saved lives in the act of taking them?

 

“Why did you give it to me?” Inej asked quietly as he finally looked to meet her gaze.

 

“Because you reminded me…. You reminded me of myself.” Kaz answered confidently, his eyes not leaving hers. Inej felt warm. Had Kaz shifted closer to her? He was less than a foot from her now. The bourbon and the proximity to what she wanted so desperately was a deadly combination. It left her feeling… warm and electrified. Like a lightning bolt was coiled in her chest, ready to strike out.

 

“How so?” Inej found herself asking. Kaz was silent for a moment and she saw a deep pain crash in his brown eyes, perhaps a memory.

 

“You’d been through something horrible. No one had given you a way to protect yourself. But you wanted to protect yourself, I could feel it. See it. It was the way you stood and held yourself in the Menagerie despite the horror that it was. So I gave you what I’d given myself, a way to defend. I didn’t part with it lightly, but I don’t think I could have stopped myself from giving it to you, you needed it and I didn’t. I wanted to see it put to use by someone who wouldn’t stop fighting. You were that person.” Kaz admitted, his gaze never leaving hers as the words slipped from his mouth.

 

Inej felt like her heart could break out of her chest and fly. Kaz had given her Sankt Petyr because he’d wanted her to protect herself, it was never just to be a good spider. He’d seen something of himself in her and Inej felt like something in the puzzle that was Kaz Brekker clicked into place.

 

“Thank you.” Inej whispered, looking in his eyes. Inej felt herself shake slightly as she moved to her tiptoes, Kaz was watching her intently but he did not pull away.

 

Inej closed the distance and kissed him just by his mouth on his cheek, a feather of a touch, but with no fabric in sight. She felt him shudder once, then she stepped back a few inches. Kaz had closed his eyes, but Inej noticed his even breathing. Had the shudder been from his trauma or something else entirely?

 

Kaz opened his eyes that were filled with hunger and happiness in equal measure; and he smiled that smile with the dimple. Inej smiled back softly and slipped Sankt Petyr from his grasp, she turned to the board once more, and let the blade soar.

 

Bullseye.

 

 

           

 

Chapter 15: The Moon & The Sea

Summary:

Kaz must swim the harbor of his memories one more time, to tell Inej what happened to him. Will he drown or find shore?

Notes:

Chapter 15! Okay guys, this one was hard to write. I had a very distinct way I wanted this chapter to go, and I wanted to stay true to Kaz and his story. I hope you guys love it, I put a lot into this one. Also, this one puts us to 50k words! So exciting. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to each and every one of you who has read, left kudos and commented. It means the world to me, and all of your comments inspire me so much to write. As always, please comment and tell me what you think, and with any feedback and advice!

KAZ

 

            Kaz was staring, he knew he was. He couldn’t stop himself though as Inej tried repeatedly to make the coin slide through her fingers in a copy of his motion. The coin clattered to the floor in front of her crossed legs for the fifth time and she laughed the laugh.

 

Beautiful.

 

They had stopped drinking hours ago and Inej had watched him flipping blades between his fingers as they sat on the floor of his attic, her back against the wall under the window sill, him across from her with his leg stretched out to her side. Inej asked him to teach her, he had suggested they start with a coin. Inej had never seen Kaz make a coin disappear before, she’d seen him shuffle decks in the club and lift valuables, but the coin was something Kaz hadn’t really practiced in years. That meant nothing though, his fingers remembered the trick easily, his whole childhood had been dedicated to the art of trickery and magic. Inej’s eyes when he’d made the coin disappear, with his sleeves rolled up, was something he’d never forget.

 

“How do you do it? I don’t understand.” Inej had reached for his hand so naturally, turning it over in her own and looking for the coin that was missing in action. Kaz felt no water in that moment, her touch on his hand was something he was beginning to feel… natural about. Maybe he had the bourbon left over in his system to thank for it partially, but he was almost completely sober now.

 

“Wouldn’t be a trick if I told you how it’s done, Wraith.” Kaz jested as she grabbed his other hand, even though it had been nowhere near the coin. She continued her search. Kaz’s heart picked up its rhythm at the sight of her curious eyes, he had looked the same way when he was a boy and saw the coin disappear. Her dark eyes narrowed when her search of his hands proved unfruitful, she picked up her own coin again. Kaz wouldn’t tell her how the coin disappeared, but he would show her the motions of rolling it between her fingers like he was able to with a blade, a coin, cards and almost anything else. Inej’s fingers were clumsy with inexperience but Kaz saw sheer determination in her eyes.

 

Inej successfully rolled the coin over one knuckle for the first time smoothly, it fell to the floor but she looked up at him with a smile that Kaz had seen only once before, when Inej picked her first lock without any assistance from him, back when she first joined the Dregs. It was a smile of triumph.

 

“Did you see that? I almost did it!” Inej beamed at the coin on the floor, like it was some sort of small miracle.

 

“I saw.” Kaz said simply with a small grin. He flipped his own coin back between his fingers.

 

“How? Where?” Inej was looking at him again and he couldn’t stop the chuckle that came from his lips at the sight of her jutted lip.

 

“Doesn’t matter.” Kaz joked. Inej rolled her eyes but her smile returned.

 

“When did you learn to do these things? Since you won’t tell me how.” Inej asked as she once again picked up her coin and tried to skip it over her knuckles once more.

 

Kaz swallowed as his coin slipped between his fingers. Kaz had been contemplating all evening if he could finally tell Inej. If he could do it. If he wanted to do it, as well as needed to. Kaz wanted to, he had decided. That conclusion didn’t make it any easier. Kaz didn’t know if he could, and Kaz found himself analyzing every small detail of the evening, it had been wonderful. How could Kaz tell Inej his awful past on a night so… so happy. He didn’t know if he would be able to bare it if Inej decided to leave and never return once she toured his shattered inner workings. Of course, he would bare it if she walked away. But Kaz knew now that he wouldn’t recover from it, it scared him more than anything ever had. Jordie’s voice swirled his thoughts into a potion of doubt. There was one small voice that screamed within him though, tell her.

 

Tell Inej and let her see you. Let it go. Let her in. 

 

Kaz shifted his gaze to Inej and found she was already looking at him, a piece of her braid had come undone and a black strand of hair hung on the side of her face that swung lightly as she tilted her head, waiting for his response. Her eyes were wide and welcome, and Kaz had to try. He knew her question had been innocent enough, but Kaz didn’t want to drown again before he at least tried to tell her what happened to him.

 

Kaz reached out his hand and her eyes tracked his movement as he tucked that strand of hair behind her ear, the way his past-self had wanted to hundreds of times. Kaz briefly wondered if he was able to tell himself a year ago that he would be sitting in this very room with Inej, and able to do something as simple as that, if he would have believed him. Definitely not. The rain had stopped over an hour ago and Kaz decided if he was going to answer Inej; in the long handed truth, he didn’t want to be inside. Kaz wasn’t concerned about anyone hearing him and Inej on this floor, but Kaz felt like the fresh air and absolute certainty that he was alone with Inej, might make it…possible.

 

“Will you come to the roof with me?” Kaz asked quietly. Inej looked him in the eye and he saw a flicker of surprise pass her dark irises, but she nodded all the same. She stuck the coin in her pocket and when Kaz raised a brow, he read the answer in her eyes, ‘for practice’. His lips quirked up.

 

 Kaz stood stiffly and turned his hand to Inej, she took it and did not let go for a moment when she stood, he felt a gentle squeeze. It felt like encouragement. Kaz moved away with his back turned and pulled on his blazer and then his coat. When he looked back, the window was open and Inej was already out of sight. Silent as always. Kaz was grateful for a moment alone, he had no idea what he was about to do and was convinced he just might feel his demons pull him under the canal water just from trying to speak of the nightmare that his life had been. Kaz took a deep breath when he reached the window sill, the cool night air whipping his face.

 

Jordie, please, let me have this. I’ll lose her if I can’t do this. Please.

 

Kaz grabbed his cane and swung out the window and made the small climb up onto the roof. Inej was already there, her legs hanging over the edge, she was re-braiding her hair as she looked out over Ketterdam, foggy moonlight and the street lamps below were the only source of illumination. Kaz finally settled beside her, setting his cane behind him. Kaz noticed her palm, face up next to him. Kaz slipped his fingers into her hand and was surprised at the warmth and naturalness of the movement. He’d done it without a second thought. Kaz had his gloves in his pocket… in case he couldn’t do this. He felt like Inej sensed that he was considering telling her everything, she was quiet but it was in that way were he could sense a tangible energy in her silence. This energy was an air of patience. Kaz wasn’t sure how long passed in that silence, perhaps two minutes, perhaps twenty. Kaz felt Inej idly rubbing his hand with her thumb as she stared out over the city.

 

Their city.

 

“You know, the one thing that the sea offers that the land can never match is the stars.” Inej said quietly. Kaz looked over to her, there was a wistful smile on her lips that made her dark eyes shine just a little more.

 

“When I was small, Papa would sneak me out late past my bedtime and let me ride on his shoulders, and we would walk and walk until we found it. The perfect view of the stars. Papa would tell me that the stars shined for those brave enough to seek the sky, and acrobats were the sky’s native people. That’s why we strive for the sky, because we don’t fear the fall.” Inej smiled as her memory played across her eyes. Kaz felt like he could see it too.

 

A small suli girl on her father’s shoulders in the Ravkan countryside, hunting the stars.

 

“I remember thinking how brave the stars were, to shine and shine, so confident in their beauty; but too far away to see if anyone bothered to look up.” Inej mused, as she shifted her gaze to the sky, covered in clouds.

 

Kaz wasn’t sure why she was sharing this piece of herself with him, but he felt a strong hammer of emotion strike deep inside his chest. It was overwhelming; it was infinite. It was everything. He felt courage deep in his bones, how could he not let Inej see him? When she was leaving all the windows to her heart unlocked for him and him alone?

 

“I found that perfect view of the stars on the sea. It’s when the sea is calm, her emotions at peace. The water will reflect every drop of star and lunar light right back to the sky, and it’s the most magic I’ve ever seen in this world. It makes me believe the old tales.” She paused, turning her gaze to Kaz, he could see something like wonder there and he hadn’t a clue what she was going to say, but he found himself begging with his eyes for her to continue.

 

“There’s one story in my culture, in kerch it says: “All the moon ever wanted was the Sea, he loved her with all his gravity and will. The sea loved him too, with all her depth and untamable spirit, so she would send her tides at his call. Together, they would meet the land and create waves that could drown a village, or send a lost ship home. If you looked closely, you could see their love in the way she reflected his light right back to the sky for him to see his beauty; and believe in himself as much as she. Etma se saman.” Inej’s eyes were soft, with a gentle ferocity swimming in her pupils that Kaz wished to dive into.

 

“What does that mean? The ending?” Kaz asked quietly, and he felt her gently squeeze his hand.

 

“I’ll tell you if you tell me, Kaz.” Inej whispered, her eyes pleading for the answers she deserved. Kaz wanted to know what it meant, and he realized Inej had told him something with that story. She wanted to reflect back to him, but he needed to show her the darkness first. Kaz took a deep breath. He squeezed her hand once, and he let go.

 

“I didn’t… I’m not from Ketterdam.” Kaz rasped, his words tight in his throat. He looked over the city, the only place he’d ever said he was from. Inej was silent, he didn’t look at her, not now. Not yet.

 

“I came from the countryside, my family, we owned a farm. In a small town called Lij. My family had owned it for generations, Rietveld is an old and respected name in those parts of Kerch. I meant that when I used my own name for Colm Fahey’s cover. That’s how I knew if anyone looked into the name, their curiosity would be met with truth and they would let it go.” Kaz paused and locked his fingers together in his lap. The breeze whistled past his face, encouraging him to continue.

 

“My mother, she died when I was born. Birth complications. I don’t remember her at all, obviously. But my father used to say she was far too good for him. When I was young, I didn’t understand how anyone could be too good for anyone else. I think I do now, though.” Kaz released the breath that caught in his throat. He could feel Inej’s eyes on his face but he didn’t give into the temptation to look at her. He knew she would be silent for now, even if she wanted to speak. He was grateful for it.

 

“My brother… my brother Jordie, he was four years older than me. He told me our mother made cookies and laughed at everything. I imagine that was true, because Jordie laughed all the time.” Kaz felt like the words were constricting in his throat and he swallowed the knot down, he hadn’t even told her much yet. He had to keep going. Kaz stole a quick glance at Inej, she recognized his brother’s name, he could tell. Kaz had accidentally called Jesper by Jordie’s name once. Her gaze shifted to his and it was soft, so soft. Kaz wanted to say damn his story and make her laugh again instead. Kaz couldn’t though, he couldn’t disappoint her like that. Kaz couldn’tlose her.

 

“Our Da was a very good, traditional man. He worked hard. He provided. He loved us, Jordie and I. We had a dog that we named Timber, he bought us Timber. All of my memories of Lij are good, until the end. We had space to run, we had a house and a father who loved us. We had a tutor who taught us, who taught all the farm children. It was simple, easy.” Kaz recalled, his voice near a whisper. He saw Inej’s lips move into a small smile at the mention of his childhood dog. Kaz knew Inej loved animals, her and her damn birds. He’d also seen her feed a stray cat once, when she thought no one was looking.

 

“When I was nine… Our Da was killed in a plowing accident in the fields. Jordie… Jordie had to take over everything in our lives, he was thirteen. He had to sell our farm, our house. The day we got the check- a small amount that seemed like so much more to me then; we packed our little suitcases and he bought us transportation to Ketterdam. He told me that he was going to use the money to make us more money, somehow. I didn’t know what that meant when I was nine. He said he’d become a merchant, he was old enough to start working. Making us money. He said that he… that he would get enough money to buy us an apartment, and I would go to school and become whatever I wanted.” Kaz felt something strange in his eyes, it took him several moments to realize his eyes were watering. Kaz had not shed a tear since the day he crawled from the canal, reborn. Save for some panic attacks. Kaz hadn’t had one that bad in years, though.

 

“It sounds like he was a good brother.” Inej whispered, she had shifted slightly closer to him, still careful to leave space. Kaz found himself wanting her closer. He felt like he was going to choke.

 

“He was my best friend.” Kaz whispered, the words couldn’t be stopped. It was the truth that had been buried in him for a decade.

 

His brother hadn’t just died; his best friend had died too.

 

“He was also a fool. A young, green, fool.” Kaz said quietly, shaking his head. Inej had heard this much from him once before, in the bathroom at the hotel. Kaz sighed and continued.

 

“Jordie and I found a small room to live in at a boarding house in the city. We had shelter and a little bit of money and Jordie began looking for work. I hated it, being left in that room alone all day, but Jordie would go for walks with me when he came home. It’s when I first saw a street magician make a coin disappear, to answer your question from earlier.” Kaz looked at Inej now, she was looking at him too. The small hairs around her face were lifting in the breeze and her lips were slightly parted. Her skin looked less bronze and more radiant under the swash of moonlight.

 

Kaz wanted her so much, Kaz wanted her more than his armor.

 

“Jordie and I went for a walk, one of those nights. We saw a boy selling wind-up toy dogs. I dragged Jordie to them, I had to understand how they worked, and I missed our dog. I couldn’t resist the pull.” Kaz felt anxiety creeping up in his chest. This. This is where Kaz wanted to stop, every instinct in him told him to stand up, climb off the roof, and lock his window. Lock Inej out. Go inside, polish his pistol. Get work done and forget Inej forever. Kaz felt his heart break, and in that moment, he felt true despair. Even if he got up now, he’d never forget Inej. Inej would haunt him forever, a more beautiful and living ghost, so different than his brother. Inej would not forgive him if he locked her out, literally and metaphorically. Inej knew her worth, she always had. Kaz knew it, too.

 

“Jordie ended up talking to the boy, Philip, who told him where he might find work,” Kaz began. Kaz swallowed and told her about the coffee shop, about the man, Jakob Hertzoon, who offered Jordie work as a missive runner. Kaz told Inej how his brother had been so happy to have work, how Kaz had hot chocolate at the coffee house every day, and how Kaz couldn’t remember much about that week except trying to make his coin disappear.

 

“About a week after Jordie began working for Jakob, Jakob invited us to his family home for dinner. He had a daughter, my age. Her name was Saskia. I played with her all night and listened to my brother convince Jakob to let him invest our money in his market portfolio. I trusted Jordie. I was nine and I found a friend my age. I liked her.” Kaz knew he didn’t need to tell Inej this, but it felt like a dam had broken in his chest and he couldn’t stop. Kaz had gotten this far. He looked at Inej, she was staring over the city, but he felther attention.

 

“Jordie invested that money, and with the money from his new job, and the promise of a huge pay off in our future, he bought me cards. New boots. As many novels as he wanted from the booksellers. We were happy for the first time since our Da died; we were just kids, Inej. Even though Jordie seemed so old and wise to me, he was so much younger than we are now.” Kaz closed his eyes against the salty convicts trying to make a prison break from his tear ducts.

 

“Jordie and I went to Mr. Hertzoon’s coffee house the next day to find it boarded up. Dark. Jordie and I were so certain that it was just a misunderstanding, we went to his house. There were no lamps on, it felt… cold. There was no sign of life. None at all, it was as if they’d never been there and Jordie and I had imagined everything, or read the story from one of his novels. We went to the neighbors and they said the family left. The house was only a temporary residence. Jordie and I sat in the cold for hours, certain that we missed something. We hadn’t. All our money… our farm’s money… it was gone. It was gone and we had nothing left. Jordie was so angry, and I remember how much I wished I was older, how much I wished Da was there to tell us what to do. I… I couldn’t return my boots that Jordie had bought me.” Kaz felt his voice crack as he stared at his clasped hands in his laps. Inej was watching him and he didn’t know if he could do it now. He felt water brush his ankles that hung over the roof.

 

“Go on.” Inej’s smooth voice came from beside him. The voice that had dragged him out from hell more than once.

 

Inej. Inej. Inej. Jordie. No. Inej. Jordie let me tell her. Let me go.

 

            “Then the Queen’s Lady Plague hit Ketterdam. We… we had been kicked out of our room when we couldn’t pay anymore. We were on the streets, two farm boys with nothing, no shelter from the cold, or the… the plague.” Kaz felt water rushing in and his chest was rising in uneven breaths. He took a deep breath, and then another for good measure.

 

Go on, Brekker. Your girl is on the other side on dry land. Swim. Tread this water to her.

 

            “Jordie got sick first. His fever was so high and the firepox covered his whole body, and he was shivering. I remember trying to keep him warm with my little coat.” Kaz whispered, clenching his hands now. He heard Inej take a deep breath, he closed his eyes.

 

Inej won’t run. You’ve always known she wouldn’t use your weakness against you. Inej will still be here when the nightmare is over.

 

“We didn’t have food or… or a place to bathe. I… tried, as long as I could until I got sick. I thought the coughs would break my ribcage. The nights were cold, but then a storm hit. It was so cold, Inej. I… I fell asleep, I couldn’t- I couldn’t stay awake anymore.” Kaz took more deep breaths, Jordie’s voice in his head screamed for him to stop. Kaz couldn’t open his eyes or tears would fall and Inej would look at him and and and

 

“I woke in the morning, barely conscious, my fever was high and I tried… I tried to wake him. He… Jordie was dead. My brother was dead and cold and….and I couldn’t wake him up, I couldn’t stay conscious for long. I felt so cold, and scratchy and I couldn’t even move my lips anymore…” Kaz swallowed and brought the heels of his hands to his eyes. Inej’s breathing next to him hitched.

 

He wanted…. He wanted to run. He wanted to stay. He had to swim the canal one more time. He could see Inej on the shore.

 

“I couldn’t talk, I was too weak, I couldn’t move. My breathing was so slow… The… the body men came. They thought I was dead alongside Jordie… I couldn’t even tell them that I was alive… I lost consciousness.” Kaz felt dead skin under his hands, he saw gray dead eyes in his mind.

 

“I woke up… my fever had broken. I….I..” Kaz’s voice wouldn’t work, tears escaped beneath his leather gloves on his eyes, he squeezed them closed as tight as he could. Kaz took deep breaths, surprised the air even reached his lungs with the water all around him. Inej took a deep breath next to him, and he heard her say “with me” and he matched his breaths to hers, he found the water sink below his throat and he felt air fill his lungs, one breath at a time. He swallowed… he had to finish this. He had to finish this now. For Inej. For himself. For his brother.

 

            “I woke up, and my fever had broken. I was on the reapers barge…. There was… there was bodies wherever I looked, wherever I moved….the skin…. It was bloated with water….so many eyes…. The.. the smell, Inej… it was… it was the worst thing I’d ever….” Kaz took another deep breath with Inej.

 

            “I screamed. I tried to tell anyone that I was still alive…. There was no one there but my dead brother in front of me….bloated from death and harbor water, the skin on his sores falling off in pieces….” Kaz opened his eyes at the memory, hoping he wouldn’t see it anymore. His tears slid down his cheeks and he couldn’t look at Inej. He had to swim this water first. His eyes found a spot on the building across the way and he let his gaze fix there. One more breath. From the corner of his tear blurred eyes he saw Inej’s breath puff in the air.

 

            “I realized I had to get to shore… Otherwise I would die there. I couldn’t swim that far… my legs were too small. I was so tired from the sickness…. I hadn’t the strength alone…. I needed a raft, Inej.” Kaz steeled himself for the part of the story that shredded his insides slowly over the past decade.

 

            “My brother’s body was floating…. I… I used his body Inej. I swam the harbor using my dead brother as a raft. I remember thinking that my legs would give out… I would drown… his skin was peeling under my hands and came off in clumps across the harbor…. I couldn’t… I couldn’t stop I had to live….” The wind blew a punctuation point to Kaz Brekker.

 

            “I… reached shore and his body got swept in the current… I couldn’t get back in the water…. I’d not be strong enough to drag his body out. It was me or him, Inej. I chose me. I died anyways, you see. I was dead. Kaz Rietveld died along with his brother, Jordan Rietveld. Kaz Brekker was birthed from the canal. It was never a lie. It was true enough.” Kaz whispered. A silent tear fell down his cheek and he removed it with a gloved hand.

 

            “I can’t touch skin without feeling death beneath my hands, Inej. I feel like its bloated and dead and I drown. I drown every time, Inej. I’ve only found… I’ve only begun to find a way to touch you. I’m sorry.” Kaz’s voice cracked under the weight of this admission.

 

            “You are the strongest man I’ve ever met, Kaz Rietveld.” Inej whispered for only him and the stars to hear.

 

INEJ

 

            Inej didn’t know how… how Kaz had held this within him for so long. Her heart was broken and bleeding right alongside his. She mourned a boy she’d never met, Jordie. Inej wished she’d met the boy who tried his best for Kaz. Her Kaz. Kaz Rietveld. Kaz Brekker. They were one, different and the same. A beautiful contrast of light and dark that met in Inej’s favorite shade of gray. A gray that matched storm clouds, the kind that could bring plenty of rain to harvest for an entire nation, or strike with lightning so devastating it could decimate forests.

 

            “I’m not strong… my brother died because I wanted to look at toy dogs.” Kaz said, his confident voice replaced by a broken rasp that Inej couldn’t bear the thought of hearing again.

 

            “No he didn’t, Kaz. You didn’t kill your brother.” Inej said gently. She wanted to take the memories from him. It was then that it clicked for Inej, Pekka Rollins… Pekka Rollins was Jakob Hertzoon. Inej would sharpen her blades and kill him slowly. Inej would never let him make Kaz Brekker live his brother’s death again.

 

            “No. Pekka might as well have.” Kaz whispered. Kaz had told her this much once, on the deck of the Ferolind before they did the impossible. Inej had known Pekka had something to do with Kaz’s brother’s death. She had paid him a visit for it before she left on her maiden voyage.

 

            “Kaz. Look at me.” Inej begged. After a long moment, Kaz looked at her. His eyes were glassier than she’d ever seen, and it seemed as if her voice helped, somehow. She saw a small decrease in his blown pupils.

 

            “You are a survivor. I am too. It is why we hold our heads high. You and I, we aren’t afraid of the fall, Kaz. We survived it already. You didn’t die. You were reborn, yes, but you didn’t die completely. Neither did I. We held on to our tarnished and broken pieces in hope we could yet find use for them in this life. No matter how broken we may be, we still sought the sky. I would have you no other way than how you are. Strong. Violent. Kind. Sometimes Infuriating.” Inej let the words hit Kaz on a whispered prayer to her saints that he’d hear them. Really hear them.

 

            “What does it mean, Inej?” Inej didn’t have to ask to know what he was referring to. His eyes stayed locked on hers, she noticed a twitch of his fingers, she knew he wanted to reach out. Inej lifted her hand and laid it palm down between them, she was certain he wouldn’t be able to hold her hand now, but it was an offer nonetheless.

 

            A moment later, Kaz’s pinky touched hers, and then linked. It was enough for Inej, Kaz was enough. He was everything she wanted. If they were never able to make love and sleep bare, Inej wouldn’t care. She wanted that with Kaz, of course she did; and she hoped they would have that, but she didn’t need those things. 

 

Inej would chose him over anyone else, no matter how steep their mountain to climb may be.

 

            “Etma se saman. It means: “My spirit has found its match in you.”” Inej whispered. Kaz nodded, she wasn’t sure he understood.

 

            “Kaz. Etma se saman.” Inej repeated. She watched in wonder as Kaz realized she was not finishing the story, she was telling him the truth. Her spirit had found its match in him.

 

            Like the Sea to the Moon, Inej reflected the light of Kaz Rietveld’s smile back to him.

           

           

 

 

           

 

 

Chapter 16: Bare Souls

Summary:

Inej is reeling from learning the truth about Kaz, and he’s having realizations of his own.

Notes:

Chapter 16! It’s a shorter one, but one I wanted to include as a sort of continuation from my previous chapter! Hope to get the next one up tonight or tomorrow morning! Thank you so incredibly much to every single one of you, all your comments inspire me and warm my heart. As always, feedback is welcomed and encouraged, as well as any comments with what you think!

INEJ

 

            Inej followed Kaz to his window and he slipped inside. Kaz walked to his chair and swung off his coat and Inej watched him silently from her perch just outside. It was late, maybe four bells. She needed to shower, maybe sleep for a few hours. Inej couldn’t believe the evening she’d had. It had started in a rage over Tante Heleen, and ended with Kaz Brekker telling her what happened to him. It was the most tragic yet beautiful gift she’d ever received, and she wondered how it was possible that it still felt like a gift. Then she remembered how she’d given Kaz her broken pieces and said ‘please make sense of this, help me solve the puzzle.’ He had. She would have no greater honor than doing the same for him.

 

            “Good night, Kaz.” Inej said softly once he turned toward her, she didn’t understand the quirk of his head. It looked as if he was confused.

 

            “You’re leaving?” Kaz rasped as he undid his tie. Inej had thought he would want space, maybe she’d assumed too much.

 

            “I didn’t think you’d want me to stay right now.” Inej answered honestly, she knew he’d understand why she thought as much.

 

            “I’d… I’d actually rather you stayed. Of course if you would rather go and sleep more comfortably though, I’d understand.” Kaz admitted, his gaze latching on the window latch instead of her face. Inej knew it was difficult for Kaz to make even these small admissions for what he wanted; it made the night even more unbelievable. Inej was already sliding to the floor and shutting the window behind her.

 

            “I’m most comfortable here, Kaz.” Inej said quietly. He nodded slowly, seeming to understand the words she truly meant. I’m most comfortable where you are.He lit the candles on his shelves and relit the lamp that had burned low on his desk while they’d been on the roof.

 

            “There’s a toothbrush for you on the bathroom sink.” Kaz said simply as he walked to his wardrobe to hang his blazer. It was as if he didn’t expect it to mean anything. Inej was shocked and a thrill of happiness coursed through her. Her mouth was slightly agape.

 

Kaz bought her a toothbrush for his bathroom. Kaz wanted her to stay. Kaz… Kaz told her everything.

 

“Inej?” Kaz questioned, she hadn’t realized she was staring. Inej didn’t think her voice would make real sound if she tried to speak, but she did anyhow.

 

“Toothbrush. Right. Thank you.” Inej nodded slowly and turned for his desk to remove her blades. She didn’t miss his smug smirk when she bumped over each word. Inej was about to begin disarming when Kaz came up to her once more, just as he had the night on her ship when she had handed over her own armor. Kaz stepped right beside her and she turned to him, thinking he’d hold his hand out for her blades.

 

Inej was unprepared for the beautiful storm that was Kaz.

 

Kaz’s dark eyes met hers and she felt a tension in his gaze. He had a question in his eyes and Inej was unsure what to make of it, she did not think he would want to touch her now, but she supposed she was fully clothed. Perhaps he couldn’t handle skin now, that much made more sense to Inej. But, maybe, he could touch her over her clothes still. She wasn’t entirely sure what he wanted, but understood quickly when his gaze flicked to Sankta Alina on her forearm. Inej felt her stomach do a flip in anticipation and she thought her breath might have hitched. She flicked her own eyes to the blade in answer.

 

Kaz kept his eyes on hers as he reached for the release on Sankta Alina with his still gloved hands. Inej didn’t mind that tonight. She understood. The simple fact that Kaz still wanted to be close to her in any way he could, meant everything. Kaz was not giving up, he’d survived telling her his gravest truth and Inej was…. She was proud of him. It was the way she’d been proud of herself when she told him the truth of Charles Hester and the Menagerie. Her heart hummed a tune of contentment when she watched him lay Sankta Alina on his desk. Sankt Petyr followed suit, his gaze never dropping from hers. Inej saw a flicker of hunger in his eyes, she knew the feeling well. Inej would always be grateful for their need of few words.

 

Kaz set Sankt Petyr in line with Sankta Alina on the desk. Next was Sankta Lizabeta on her belt, Inej was unsure if he’d be able to take all of her blades from her body, but Saints, she wanted him too. This felt even more intimate than the first night she’d disarmed in front of him.

 

It was a baring of the soul rather than skin.

 

Kaz looked to her with another question in his eyes, and Inej dipped her head to Sankta Lizabeta. Continue,is the word she willed to her gaze. Kaz lifted his hand to her waist, and undid the sheath with Sankta Lizabeta, then her brass knuckles with his other hand. She noticed his hand shake once, but Inej did not think it was because the water was surrounding him. Inej felt the electric notes in the air between them, Kaz wanted more than this. Inej did too. They would get there, she felt more sure than ever before in that moment.

 

Inej watched as Kaz took a step back, and she thought for a moment that he would not finish the task. Inej didn’t think she would ever see what she saw next.

 

Kaz Brekker knelt to a knee in front of her, looking up at her the entire way down.

 

Inej felt herself shudder as his hands went to her left thigh, reaching around her leg to unhitch Sankta Marya. When he felt her shudder, his hands froze, he looked back at her quickly. She found enough courage to move her lips into a private smile and shake her head very subtly. That shudder was from you, not the past. Kaz understood and he removed the sheath from her thigh. He set it gently on the floor beside him. Kaz made quick work of Sankta Anastasia on her right thigh next. He brushed her leg softly with one hand before he looked to her boot and did not hesitate to reach just inside and remove Sankt Vladimir. Inej felt cold at the loss of his hands, and for the first time, she did not feel sadness at the removal of her blades. Inej realized then that she felt safe, even unarmed, in the presence of Kaz.

 

Kaz stood, using the desk to brace himself. Inej had an idea, though she was unsure if he would be able to handle it. Inej wanted to try though. Inej would not touch his skin until he wanted her to, but she wanted… she wanted to disarm him too. Kaz looked at her now, as if he could see her mind working into a decision. Inej took a deep breath and met his eyes, they were like dark wells of smoke and honey. She willed her question to the forefront of her mind to reflect in her face. May I? She dropped her gaze to his gloves. Kaz froze for a moment and followed her eyes. When he looked back, he dipped his chin in an almost imperceptible movement. He was nervous she would touch his skin, she could tell. Inej would not.

 

Inej reached out one hand and took his wrist, covered in his shirt sleeve. With her other hand, she gently pinched the leather at the tip of his thumb in her fingers, repeating the motion with each digit, searching his eyes for any sign to stop. There was none. Once all fingers were loosened, Inej gently pulled his glove off. She did not touch his skin. She laid his glove next to her line of blades on the desk. She repeated the same meditation with his other hand, then she let go. Something ravenous shined in Kaz’s eyes; she was sure if they were any average couple, he would be kissing her senseless right now. Her suspicions were confirmed when his eyes seemed to get caught on her lips.

 

Inej smiled. Someday. Soon I hope.

 

Kaz stepped away from her with a deep breath, seeming to shake himself away from some thought in his head. Inej wondered what it would be like, to finally kiss Kaz Brekker.

 

Inej would wait, she was already sure that his lips would match the priceless value of his mind and heart.

 

KAZ

            Kaz wanted to kiss her. Kaz wanted to pick her up and carry her to his bed and not leave until they both had everything they wanted so desperately. Kaz could not do that now, but he would work for that life with Inej. Kaz wanted to give her the world, and everything she ever wanted. If Kaz was one of those things, who would he be to deny her?

 

Inej had seen him through hell once more, and he’d never felt more peace.

 

Inej had removed his gloves and laid his armor next to hers with such delicacy that his heart surely bruised his ribs. Kaz was shaken from his thoughts by Inej’s quiet mumble from near his desk.

 

“May I use your shower? I was in the rain for hours earlier and I feel disgusting.” Inej grimaced as she ran her hands over her braid. Kaz felt a laugh bubble in his throat but he did not release it, Inej looked as he did when he so much as noticed a blood stain on one of his blazers.

 

“Yes.” Kaz answered simply and he removed some towels from the drawer in his dresser for her. Inej took the towels and continued standing there. Kaz lifted a brow at her in question. Inej huffed a breath.

 

“May I borrow clothes again, please? Unless you’d rather I stay in these but then I may as well forego the shower. Besides I’ll make your sheets smell.” Inej asked with an almost shy smile. Flush grazed her cheekbones. Kaz chuckled now, Inej did not smell, but he understood. Kaz went back to his dresser and took the same pants and shirt she’d worn previously from the otherwise empty drawer. Inej seemed to notice this was not where those clothes had resided previously. She was correct, they used to be in his trunk with other things he rarely reached for. Her eyebrows rose with a curiosity marring her expression.

 

“The drawer is for you too.” Kaz mumbled. He had not planned to point it out now, unsure if he had been too presumptuous. All doubt flew out of his mind at the sight of the grin that spread like a bird’s wing across her face. It was a smile that made her eyes squint just slightly and Kaz loved it. He wished he was an artist then, surely almost all of his work would be of her, but who wouldn’t want to look at her?

 

“Do I have to bring my own night clothes?” Inej asked, her grin not leaving as she flicked her gaze to the open drawer and back to him. He felt his lips quirk into a small smile of his own.

 

“I figured you would want to.”

 

“Mmm. I’ll bring regular clothes, but not night clothes.” Inej answered as she stared at the bundle of towels and clothing in her hands.

 

“Why not?” Kaz quirked his head. He didn’t understand why she wouldn’t want to bring her own comfortable sleep clothes, ones she wouldn’t have to roll five times just to walk.

 

“I prefer yours.” Inej said confidently, her grip tightened on the bundle in her arms as if to say ‘mine’. Lightning jumped into his blood stream. He preferred her in his clothes too, he supposed he could hand over some of his clothes permanently to his wraith.

 

“Fine.” Kaz rolled his eyes and Inej laughed, already on her way to the bathroom.

 

“It wasn’t a question, Kaz.” She chirped as she shut the bathroom door. Kaz smiled to himself then as he looked at the drawer that now belonged to Inej.

 

He wondered when he should tell her.

 

I love you, Inej. Etma se saman.

 

           

 

 

Chapter 17: Look at Me

Summary:

Inej tests her demons, she tries not to vanish. Can she do it? Kaz works with Wylan, and Wylan gets advice from Dirtyhands himself.

Notes:

Okay guys, Chapter 17! This one is a little bit more of a "filler" chapter; but theres a scene I wanted to write and am very excited about and it fit well here. Also, it felt important to showcase Inej working on herself as much as Kaz is too. I hope you guys love it! I'll have the next part uploaded tomorrow! As always, feedback and comments are very very much appreciated! Thank you to each and every one of you!

KAZ

 

There was sunlight streaming in from the windows in Wylan Van Eck’s new and improved study. Kaz was leaning against the wall across from Wylan’s desk as the redhead continued a precise line on the blueprints in front of him, the pencil scratch on paper was the only noise in the room. Finally, Wylan looked up.

 

“Okay I just wanted to add that one partition. Look it over and tell me what you think.” Wylan said, his hair a bouncing tuft of flames in the early afternoon sunlight. Kaz straightened and walked to the desk. He looked down at the new penciled blue prints Wylan had been working on. Kaz had contracted Wylan for this job a few days ago. Well, not so much a job. A project. Wylan had done excellent work on the plans for the Ice Court, Kaz knew no other person in his confidence that could complete this project.

 

The blue prints were for a new property that Kaz had acquired earlier this year, an old apartment building that had shut down after the false plague created by Kaz and the rest of them during the Kuwei Yul-Bo auction. It was a building that had been worn down with age but had decent bones and covered a decent sized lot. Kaz hadn’t really known what he would turn it into when he bought it. Initially, he’d thought a second Club. With the collapse of the Kaelish Prince, it was well known that the Crow Club was the best gambling hall in the Barrel and Kaz was confident another Club could be a success; especially with its closer proximity to the Lid and therefore the docks and the pigeons, ripe for the plucking. Kaz had only recently decided what it would be, what he would make it. Kaz traced Wylan’s drawing with a gloved finger, it what exactly what he’d wanted.

 

Wylan was alright, he supposed.

 

“Only thing I wasn’t sure about was the top floor, you hadn’t mentioned any specifications for that.” Wylan mused, as he wiped graphite from his hands. Kaz knew he hadn’t mentioned anything about the top floor of the building, the sixth floor. He had an idea for it… but it was something he hadn’t decided to voice aloud. When Kaz didn’t respond, Wylan continued.

 

“It could be an apartment of sorts, what are they called? Penthouse. That’s the word. It already has the bones for it, could knock down some walls and make it something open. It’s not a huge space, but big enough for a decent area for living or renting.” Wylan’s eyes were already tracing lines on the page in front of him. Kaz had the same idea, he shouldn’t have been surprised that Wylan had the same notion.

 

“Are these support walls?” Kaz questioned and pointed to two lines on the base print under Wylan’s new sketches.

 

“No, those could go. What are you thinking?” Wylan flicked his blue eyes up to Kaz.

 

“I was thinking those two could go and we put one here where the plumbing line is instead for a bathroom.” Kaz pondered as his eyes traced the sixth floor on the page.

 

“That would work. Kaz, what is this for, might I ask?” Wylan asked, ever so polite. Kaz’s hand froze momentarily as it traced lines on the page. Kaz didn’t quite know how to answer yet, but he’d need to tell Wylan what he was thinking at least enough for Wylan to finish the blueprint.

 

“Penthouse apartment, like you guessed.” Kaz stated simply as he straightened himself from the plans.

 

“For renting or…?” Wylan pushed. Kaz didn’t want to answer. Kaz wasn’t positive what it would be just yet, but he… he knew what he thought it could be.

 

“Something like that.” Kaz said simply.

 

Wylan released a sigh and scratched his nose.

 

“Fine. I’ll have something drawn up by the end of the day, I can always give it to Inej to bring-“

 

“No. I’ll pick it up from you personally sometime over the next few days.” Kaz cut Wylan off, he knew he’d spoke a little too quickly.

 

“You don’t want Inej to see it? Why?” Wylan looked confused then his blue eyes narrowed in a distrustful manner. Before Kaz could speak, Wylan spoke up.

 

“Don’t hide things from her, Kaz. Believe me, she won’t appreciate it.” Wylan glared at him. Kaz rolled his eyes and brought a gloved hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose.

 

Of course he would think it was for a scheme. He was Kaz Brekker, after all.

 

“Would you let it go if I told you part of it was for Inej?” Kaz rasped. He hadn’t wanted to share any information at all, but he guessed if he had to it might as well be someone he trusted.

Though if Wylan told Jesper… oh the headache Kaz would have.

 

“I suppose so.” Wylan nodded slowly and regarded Kaz. Kaz would say no more than that, this was all just… a plan. A potentially really good plan, but Kaz was not going to get ahead of himself.

 

“If you’re satisfied with prying, I’ll be on my way.” Kaz said as he grabbed his cane. Kaz wanted to get on with his day, Kaz wanted to see Inej. It had been two days since Kaz had survived baring his memories and nightmares to Inej and he hadn’t seen her at all since her departure that morning when they woke; save for a few moments the night prior when she’d been by to deliver her latest intel on Hester. Kaz was only a few carefully constructed steps away from that scheme, he’d gotten the last piece he’d needed from Inej’s intel last night. Kaz knew why Inej had been scarce. Apparently, there was a whole list of chores that needed doing to maintain her ship while it was docked. Inej had admitted she’d neglected a good many of them these almost two weeks since her return to Ketterdam. When Kaz had inquired why, she had narrowed her eyes in a glare directed towards him and said “you distracted me, shevrati.”Kaz almost smiled at the memory.

 

Kaz made his way to the door when Wylan called out from behind him.

 

“Kaz, wait, can I uh, can I ask you a question?” Kaz rolled his eyes but turned around anyways.

 

“Didn’t you just ask one?” Kaz snapped.

 

“I- yes. Look, just…” Wylan paused and twiddled with his hands in front of him, a nervous flush marred his face. His eyes were focused on his hands. Wylan was anxious about whatever it was he wanted to ask Kaz. Kaz hadn’t a clue what it was and couldn’t find much care for this time wasting at the moment.

 

“Spit it out, Wylan.” Kaz growled.

 

“You… Jesper hasn’t been back in the Club at the tables recently, right?” Wylan asked in a small voice. Kaz was shocked but his expression displayed nothing. Kaz knew Jesper hadn’t been to the club, and Kaz hadn’t the faintest idea why Wylan thought he’d relapsed in his recovery.

 

“No. I haven’t seen him. Besides, if he was when I wasn’t there, I’d know. Rotty and Pim would have squealed like school children.” Kaz answered.

 

“Alright.” Wylan released a breath that seemed to be of relief. “You’d tell me if you did see him there though, wouldn’t you?” Wylan questioned, blue orbs finally focused on Kaz.

 

“Wouldn’t have to. I’d drag him out myself, and we both know how pleasant that would be. He’d have this stamped into the side of his head when he was returned to you,” Kaz raised his cane, displaying the Crow’s head. Kaz felt a dull buzz in his sense that said ‘Inej’; but he ignored it for now despite the flutter in his stomach. Inej had returned to the Van Eck estate, he’d see her. Even just in passing. Wylan nodded. Kaz hated himself but curiosity got the better of him, a puzzle was hard to resist.

 

“Why do you ask?” Kaz queried.

 

“I… he’s just been acting off this week. Nothing’s amiss but I just… I had a feeling something was wrong.” Wylan admitted. Kaz wasn’t sure if he’d been knocked senseless in the head over the past few days, but he found himself offering advice.

 

“You could, I don’t know, ask him. Just a thought.” Kaz uttered. Wylan looked back to his hands.

 

“Yeah… yeah I know.” Wylan whispered, but he didn’t sound convinced. Kaz let out a heavy sigh.

 

How the hell did he get here? Where was his sense? He should have been halfway back to the barrel by now. Or at the very least looking at a much better view, bronzed skin and raven hair, chocolate eyes.

 

“Just ask him, Wylan. Seriously.” Kaz didn’t even know why he pushed, Jesper and Wylan’s relationship was not his concern; yet he didn’t like seeing Wylan worried. It was odd to have friends. An unnecessary inconvenience. Kaz didn’t like this part. Kaz still wouldn’t give it up, though. He didn’t know why.

 

Kaz reached the door and stepped into the hallway without waiting for Wylan’s response. He was met with a wraith leaning against the wall, posture still perfect. She was smiling a smug little smile that told him she caught the end of that conversation. Her arms were bare, beautifully bare. Her shirt was one that only had straps over her shoulders, as she’d been working on her ship all morning evidently. Kaz had to drag his eyes away.

 

“Eavesdropping, Wraith?” Kaz quipped with a raised eyebrow.

 

“I’m a spy, thank yourself for that one.” Inej responded, her eyes lit with mischief.

 

Not fair. Inej was cheating. He did thank himself for that one every single saints damned day.

 

“Did you just give Wylan relationship advice?” Inej asked before he responded. Kaz felt like his eyes would roll out of his head.

 

“No.” Kaz grimaced.

 

“Sure,” Inej smirked once more. “Are you going back to the Slat?”

 

Yes. No. Come with me?

 

“Where else would I go?” Kaz quipped as he began to walk down the hall, offering his arm to Inej. She took it easily, not touching his skin through his coat. They matched their steps easily.

 

“Upstairs with me until I can come with you. I thought perhaps you could share the plans for the Hester job with me, I want to take him down as soon as we can. Or at least allow me to pester you about it until I’m in insufferable and your sanity insists that you give in.” Inej said with a grin. Kaz felt his stomach flip as he chuckled.

 

Inej, just like this. Inej happy and truthful and fulfilled was what Kaz wanted to see every day for the rest of his violent unremarkable life.

 

“Why can you not join me now, Wraith?” Kaz asked.

 

“Because I’ve been working on the ship all day and I feel disgusting and Wylan has bought me expensive soap for my stay and what kind of pirate would I be if I did not abuse that luxury?” Inej giggled. Kaz couldn’t deny her after spending these days apart during their already limited days of her being in Ketterdam. He felt himself nod and then he was following Inej up the stairs.

 

Kaz followed Inej into her room at the Van Eck Mansion, he’d been here only once prior. It was when he’d left Inej a note to meet him at the docks at sunrise. He had left it here the night before he held her hand for the first time. The day he gave her The Wraith. The day Inej saw her family again.

 

How did I get here from that day? What could I have possibly done so right to deserve her?

 

Inej shut the door behind them and walked to her wardrobe as she slipped off her boots and went to the bathroom to start the water so it would heat. It was a decent sized room with pale blue walls and a bed that could surely drown Inej in half of it alone. Kaz noticed something small and made of paper leaning against the mirror above her dressing table, as he moved closer, he found that it was exactly what he thought it was. It was his letter that he’d sent to her while she was away, nothing more than a few lines of script. Kaz smiled to himself at the thought that Inej truly looked at it every day. Inej reentered and began telling him of all the repairs she was making to her ship, and how she had decided to commission a new flag to fly along the Kerch flag.

 

“What will your emblem be, Wraith?” Kaz asked as he sat down on the edge of her bed, leaning his cane beside him. His leg was not much trouble with the warm autumn day, but it still thanked him for the reprieve after walking to the mansion and standing for most of the morning.

 

“You’ll see it when it’s done. I asked Marya to paint a sample of what I pictured, then I will take it to the seamstress shop.” Inej said as she made her way back to the bathroom. Inej did not seem like she was planning on ending the conversation, Kaz noted. He heard Inej pull the shower curtain, the door was still open. Kaz inhaled sharply.

 

Inej would be the death of him, he always knew it.

 

“What colors did you choose? If I’m not to see the design before completion,” Kaz questioned to distract himself from the thought of Inej, bare, in a bathroom, twenty paces away from him. His back was to the doorway, but he knew the door was still open.

 

“Black and Gold.” Inej answered and he heard clothing drop to the ground. Kaz shook his head. He wondered if he’d had the same effect on Inej every time he’d stripped down in front of her without thinking about it. Or had she thought about it? Kaz didn’t know if he could speak so he waited for her shower to be done. After a few minutes of Kaz actually counting cracks in the floorboards to stop himself from wondering what Inej looked like in the bathroom, he heard the water stop. A few moments later, Inej walked out and to the wardrobe in front of him.

 

Inej in a towel. Inej in onlya towel.

 

Kaz thought he might like to be lit on fire.

 

It would be less torturous than this. Than not being able to touch her the way he wanted to when she was there and looking so much like everything he’d ever wanted. Everything he’d never allowed himself to want. He dragged his eyes away from her as she reached into a drawer.

 

“You do realize you’re the only person I’d allow to look at me, right?” Inej said softly with her back to him, he shifted his eyes to her. He noticed how sharp her shoulder blades were as they shifted with her movement. Kaz wanted to touch her there. Her black hair was in a damp braid already that hung over her shoulder.

 

“I… yes.” Kaz mumbled, fascinated by the most skin he’d ever seen Inej show. Her legs. He’d seen them once before, and now he was sure that the image of Inej’s figure in a towel would be the end of rational thought for today.

 

“You’re the only person I ever wanted to look at me.” Inej whispered, something in her voice was broken, scared.  Kaz registered that Inej was struggling with this. Inej was doing this because she wanted him to see her and she wanted to see if she could stay present, if she could be in a room, a bedroom, like this with him and not vanish.

 

Kaz didn’t want her to vanish from him, he never wanted her to be a shell of a person under his touch.

 

Kaz wanted her to stay with him. She had pulled him out of deep water, he would drag her back from the void.

 

 

INEJ

“Inej,” Kaz voiced. Inej froze and she felt like blood finally pumped through her veins again. Her back was still to him and she knew she needed to look at him. Inej had begun to vanish and Kaz caught her, he did not let her disappear.

 

Inej took a deep breath and turned around, forcing her arms to stay at her sides and not clutch her towel over her chest. She was covered from the chest to her knees, but it was still the most skin Inej had ever displayed in front of Kaz. In front of anyone, since the Menagerie. The only exception had been the day Jesper came in her room without permission, and Inej had been alright because Jesper joked and he didn’t look. It had only been for about a minute. Inej had wanted… she just wanted to be able to be in a room with Kaz like this, even though she was still decent, her body was not bare, she was guarded by the towel. It was far less than her robe though, much more skin. This was also very different, Kaz was on her bed. In her room. She had to know if she could do it.

 

“Yes?” Inej answered, though her voice was shaky, a smile crept onto her face.

 

Inej was here. In her body. She had done it, Kaz had helped. It was a close thing, but a successful one.

 

Once Kaz saw her smile, assured she was okay, she noted how his eyes dipped, pupils blown wide. She felt warmth flush her chest when he raked his eyes freely over her body. It was new and exhilarating. Inej felt beautiful in that moment, she felt like she wanted Kaz to look at her with that expression more often.

 

“Inej, Darling, I must make you understand that I’ve always looked at you. You never had to want for my eyes.” Kaz rasped with a small smile playing on his lips. His eyes traced their way back to hers. She laughed.

 

“Don’t get cheeky or you won’t be allowed to look anymore.” Inej jested, she wanted to kiss the smirk off his lips desperately.

 

“You are twisted, Wraith.” Kaz quipped and he scowled, though his eyes were tinged in hunger and mischief.

 

“You also have yourself to thank for that one, Kaz.” Inej laughed and made her way back to the bathroom to put on her clothes. As she shut the door, she heard Kaz take a deep breath and release a heavy sigh. Inej smiled.

 

Kaz had stripped in front of her and made her want to kill him and kiss him within moments. Inej finally paid him back for that strange and beautiful torture; and he had most certainly not said “don’t drip on the desk."

Chapter 18: An Infinite Moment

Summary:

Inej takes a Dreg under her wing. She also hears from her parents, can Kaz help her plan for her future?

Notes:

Chapter 18! Yay! I really hope you guys love this one, and I can't thank you all enough for the support and kindness shown on this story. You all are really the best! As always, your comments make my day and inspire me so please let me know what you think as well as any feedback or advice! It's always encouraged. Thank you again!

INEJ

 

            Inej entered through the front door of the Slat, she had run the rooftops easily. The cool autumn night was dry and clear and it had felt exhilarating, her face felt flush yet cool and Inej realized how needed her climb over the city had been. Inej had spent the past few days on her ship and her legs had thanked her for the use she’d made of them.

 

            Inej knew Kaz was in a meeting with Anika, Pim, and Rotty based on the voices coming from his open office door. Inej half stepped into the office to check Kaz’s clock on the wall, it was after nine bells. She left one hand on the door frame so the front door to the Slat was still easily in sight. No one heard her, but she was in their sights. They all looked up, even Kaz. He had on one of his exquisite black suits, this one, Inej was sure was tailored to his lean muscular frame perhaps even better than his others. She had noticed it earlier and it had made her entire body light up in flames. He didn’t hide his gaze on her this time, and Inej wondered if he was feeling her absence the past few days as much as she had felt his, though they spent an hour together at the Van Eck residence this afternoon. Inej hoped she would be welcome in his room tonight, she still wanted to hear plans for the Hester job. Inej also craved the peace she felt surrounded by Kaz’s scent as she slept. At the looks she received, Inej shook her head.

 

            “Don’t mind me, continue, I’m using the clock.” Inej said simply with a wave of her hand, not taking her eyes off the second hand ticking by.

 

            “What are you doing, Wraith?” Anika was the first to ask with lifted blonde brows. Rotty was leaning against the wall near where Inej was standing and he smiled. Inej returned the gesture, her eyes still intently focused on the clock. Just then the front door to the Slat slammed open and Roeder collapsed on the foyer floor, right in front of Kaz’s office. Roeder’s skin was flushed and his shaggy brown hair stuck to the sweat shining on his forehead. His breaths were haggard as he touched the bottom step of staircase.

 

            “You. Are. Insane.” Roeder wheezed up at Inej. Inej turned fully to him now. She felt the Dregs eyes on them.

 

            “I took it easy this time, but you were a minute and nineteen seconds behind me even when I went along leisurely. You need to cut your time down; we’ll make the run again. I can do that route in twenty-two minutes, and if I’m rushing, nineteen.” Inej said with a shake of her head to her now spider in-training. Inej had run into Roeder as she’d entered the Slat earlier in the afternoon and she had taken the time to offer to show him some pointers, if he was willing to hear them. He had looked skeptical, but once Inej assured him that her only motivation was to help, his shoulders had released a weight. Roeder had been eager to prove himself and he’d decided to take her up on her offer. Good thing too, he was too slow yet. He’d get himself killed, or worse, someone else in the Dregs would die if he didn’t pick it up. He was stealthy enough, Inej didn’t think she could train him to her level in that. A lot of her light foot work was because she’d always walked a wire. Inej knew he could improve in his speed, though.

 

            “Please tell me you mean one way in nineteen minutes,” Roeder groaned. Inej heard Pim stifle a laugh with a cough behind them.

 

            “I mean both ways.” Inej released a heavy sigh as she tightened the coil of hair at the base of her neck.

 

            “I get it now.” Roeder said shakily. Inej quirked her head, what did that mean?

 

            “Get what?” Inej asked.

 

            “You’re totally not human.” Roeder flopped to his back right in the middle of the foyer, sprawling on the ground and still panting. Inej thought she heard Kaz roll his eyes. She definitely heard Rotty and Pim both snicker.

 

            “Human and eager to help, I’m afraid. Up. Get some water, then we run again. Don’t touch the ground till you reach the docks, then don’t touch the ground again till you reach the street in front of this building.” Inej voiced firmly, she held out her hand to him and he scowled but took it as she lifted him to his feet. Roeder was average height, shorter than Kaz, but he still towered over Inej. Roeder flipped his hazel eyes heavenward with a frustrated breath and stalked off in the direction of the kitchen, presumably for a copious amount of water. Once he was out of sight, Inej turned back to Kaz’s office.

 

            “Ghezen, Wraith, you’re going to kill the new spider,” Pim chuckled, his gray eyes almost watering from snuffing his laughter out repeatedly.

 

            “I’m going to make him faster, you’re welcome.” Inej said with a smug smile as she walked into the room. Rotty laughed freely.

 

            “Wraith, if you make my spider die of heart combustion you’ll be in charge of cleanup.” Kaz remarked with his voice of stone on stone. Inej didn’t miss the smirk threatening to ruin his casual demeanor.

 

            “Have faith, Mr. Brekker. I do not fail once I set my mind to something.” Inej mused with a quirk of her lips as she made to stand near Kaz’s window. She braced her hands on the latch, she flicked her eyes to the clock and then she noted Anika’s small smile. It was the first time Inej and Kaz had been in the same room with the blonde since she’d discovered the truth. Inej appreciated her clear regard for their secret. Inej wished she could touch Kaz, now. She wanted to hug him and envelop herself in his arms. It was truly a dire state that she was in since none of the Dregs could see that.

 

            “I believe in carefully constructing my fate, Captain Ghafa. Not faith.” Kaz rasped with a flick of his gloved hand. Inej rolled her eyes, but the butterflies still came with his use of her new title.

 

            Inej saw Roeder come back into the foyer and he looked at Inej by the window in Kaz’s office and she saw his shoulders slump, but he walked to the front door anyways. Inej heard the door shut behind Roeder and she kept her gaze on the clock. Inej felt everyone looking at her, but she didn’t care, Inej was focused on the task at hand. Inej waited a full minute before she opened the window silently.

 

Roeder would have the small mercy of a head start.

 

            “Report to me later, Wraith. I have specifics on Hester to clarify with you.” Inej heard Kaz say from behind her. She smiled on her way up to the window sill. Come back later?

 

            “Alright. I have a spider to trail.” Inej said in parting, though she knew Kaz would hear the unspoken truth.

 

I’ll see you tonight, yet. All night if I’m to have a say about the arrangement.

 

Inej took off and vanished on the rooftops, she was shadow made flesh.

 

KAZ

 

            Kaz didn’t feel Inej’s presence even as he saw Roeder, dripping sweat, come in through the front door of the Slat hours later. Kaz had been pleasantly surprised that Inej had taken to personally training Roeder. She had not mentioned her intention to do so, and Kaz was pleased. Roeder did decently enough, he supposed. Though when Inej inevitably returned to the sea, he hoped that Roeder would be improved with the help he received from her. Kaz checked the time, twelve bells sharp. Kaz had no qualms about going upstairs now, hoping he would sense Inej once he began his climb.

 

            As Kaz reached the second floor landing, his bones buzzed. Inej was waiting for him above.

 

If someone like him could have a spring in his step, he just might have.

 

            Kaz unlocked his door and found the light on his desk already lit, his bottom left drawer ajar. Inej was in his window sill, tossing bread crumbs to her crows leisurely as she read from a sheet of paper in her hand. She didn’t lift her gaze to him, enraptured by whatever she was reading. She looked focused, her lip in between her teeth. Kaz wanted to reach for her now, he had not touched her skin since the night he’d told her the truth of himself. It was something he found himself craving desperately. A strange new reality for Kaz.

 

            “What’s that?” Kaz asked as he locked the door behind him.

 

            “My parents sent me a letter. I stopped at the mansion to pick it up.” Inej said softly. Kaz raised a brow but she still did not look up, Kaz wasn’t able to make out the expression on her face with her head dipped. Kaz knew she would share when she was good and ready. Kaz busied himself with hanging his coat and hat on their hooks. He heard Inej sigh from the window sill, he turned to her then.

 

            “All is well?” Kaz questioned, not bothering to hide the curiosity in his voice.

 

            “I- yes. Yes, all is well.” Inej whispered as she folded the letter in her lap, running a hand over the small parchment square. Kaz sensed there was something troubling her, but he would not push her. That was not how they worked. Kaz limped to where she was, settling his cane against the wall before hoisting himself up to sit beside her on the windowsill. Inej’s gaze was focused out the open window, on two crows bickering over a bread piece. Her eyes looked somewhere far away, perhaps all the way in Ravka with her family.

 

            “They asked if I would make a visit to the caravans to see the rest of my family, my cousins and aunts and uncles.” Inej whispered. Kaz traced her features with his eyes, he noted she was frowning. He wasn’t sure why.

 

            “Do you not wish to?” Kaz replied as he slipped his gloves in his pocket; their use was fulfilled for the day. No leather was needed with Inej here. Inej pondered silently for a long moment, she twisted her hands in front of her and she looked down to them. Her umber eyes looked flecked with amber in the dim lamplight.

 

            “I do I suppose… I want to see them. I just… it was hard, Kaz. It was hard to tell my parents the truth of my life these past years. In fact, my portion of it with you, here, was the easiest. The… the Menagerie was the hardest to tell them about. For them to know their daughter was sold for her flesh against her will, I thought it would surely make them look at me differently. Not with disappointment, or sadness…. But pity. I was afraid of pity, Kaz.” Inej paused and she looked to her hands then she lifted her gaze to his hands. Kaz did not hesitate in holding out his bare hand. She took it and released a breath as she cradled their linked hands in her other one, tracing his knuckles delicately. He found he enjoyed it very much.

 

            If Inej needed him to lean on, as much physically as mentally, he would be there. He would fight every battle within himself to be there for her. It was a vow he’d made to himself.

 

            “I just… I don’t know if I’m ready to tell that story more times, to other family members who remember me as I was. My parents did not look at me with pity, and I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve thanked the saints for that. I know that I need to go back to face the rest of them, I miss them. I do. I’m just not…” Inej trailed off. Kaz understood.

 

            “You aren’t the same as you were.” Kaz finished for her. He squeezed her hand, urging her to look at him. Kaz could tell she was doubting herself, he didn’t want that for her. Inej didn’t have to be ready, she could take her time. Kaz may not have a family, at least not in her sense, but that was how he felt it should be. If family was worth it all, they should be patient with you. Kaz did know Jordie had always tried his best to be patient with him as a child. It may be his only point of reference, but Kaz didn’t doubt himself on this.

 

            “No, I’m not; and I wouldn’t want to be her anymore either. I prefer my callous hands and strength in my soul.” Inej had a small smile on her face as she traced his knuckles once more. Kaz wanted to pull her to his chest and keep that smile on her face.

 

            “It’s not just that though. I- I’m afraid that… since I was taken from the caravans… what if I don’t look at the place of my family the same anymore? I always felt so safe when I was small… and now… Now I’m afraid that I would have to sleep with my blades on and turned to the door just to close my eyes, Kaz. I still have nightmares about the day I was taken.  I… I don’t want to have to wear armor with my people and I’m afraid I would have to just to stay sane.” Inej admitted. Kaz regarded her for a long moment and a plan formed in his mind, a plan that was completely new territory for Kaz, but he knew how much it would mean to her. Kaz did not allow himself to rethink it before he spoke.

           

            “Invite your parents back to Ketterdam for your next leave on land. You’ll have time to spend with them and from what I know, they just want to see you. Then… if you decide you want to go to Ravka and see the Caravans again… perhaps I could go with you, if you thought that could help.” Kaz whispered. Inej’s eyes flew to his face, searching for proof of the truth in his words. Kaz wasn’t sure if he’d overstepped, but he hoped not.

 

            “You’d do that?” Inej whispered. She looked like she might cry. Kaz hadn’t expected that. Kaz was definitely in brand new territory, talking about the potential idea of going to Ravka to see Inej’s people, her family. With her. Even if it would be a long while from now. Kaz realized with a start that this is what it meant to make plans for a future.

 

Kaz had started planning things with Inej without even realizing it. It terrified him, if only because he’d never known how much he wanted to do this with her. Only ever with Inej.

 

Kaz nodded slowly as he met her glassy eyes. Inej’s smile in that moment could have put her Light summoning Sankta Alina’s power to shame. Nothing had ever been so bright, Kaz was sure of it. Kaz was happy to be an unworthy shadow in the face of that light as long as it continued shining from her face.

 

Kaz watched her as he slowly brought their clasped hands up to him, Inej’s smile did not falter. Kaz felt brave once more, and he pressed his lips in a kiss on her wrist, the same place he’d tried to once before when he’d begun to drown.

 

Warmth. Open skies. Alive. Love. Inej. Kaz felt it all under his lips in the deep breath of an infinite moment.

 

            For the first time, the water did not come.

Chapter 19: Unspoken

Summary:

A game of truths. Kaz and Inej grow closer yet.

Notes:

Chapter 19! I am so excited for this one. It's pure fluff, I know. But, I wanted to put this chapter in here because the next ones are going to be big! I wanted to show what true peace looked like for Kaz and Inej, and show how far along they've come. Next chapters are going to be big and bold plot wise, so I hope you are excited! Thank you so much for reading and commenting. You all mean the world to me. As always, comment with what you think and any feedback and advice! Thanks again!

INEJ

 

            “So we’re going to pick pocket the whole Hester estate. That is what you’re telling me.” Inej let out a disbelieving laugh. Kaz. Kaz was the only man who could come up with a plan like this. He’d just finished telling her the basics of his scheme for Charles Hester.

 

            “Mmhmm.” Kaz grumbled as he spit out toothpaste into the sink. She was sitting on top of his desk outside his bathroom as they got ready for bed.

 

            “I think I just might be mad enough in the head to understand, thank you for that, by the way.” Inej chuckled as she began to undo her braid. Inej was still feeling giddy, Kaz had kissed her wrist and he’d been able to do it without so much as flinching. Kaz had offered to go to Ravka with her to see her family. Inej didn’t know what to do with the excess and overflow of happiness brimming from her heart.

 

            “You are welcome. I told you I would corrupt you, Inej.” Kaz jested with a twisted smirk that sent a flutter straight through her.

 

            “When do we make the hit?” Inej asked as Kaz limped toward her; his hands came up to her hair and she dropped her own. She watched in fascination as Kaz’s pale fingers slipped through the plaits of her braid, his eyes focused on his task.

 

            “He leaves for business this Friday, as in the day after tomorrow. We make our move with only his wife to worry about.” Kaz said simply as he shook out her hair. Inej giggled at the smile on his face as he did it.

 

            “We should not underestimate her, Kaz. Women are dangerous in all forms, even housewives.” Inej said with a tone of seriousness despite her smiling lips.

 

            “I don’t underestimate women, Inej. The most dangerous person I’ve ever met is a woman.” He paused with a pointed look to her. “I just happen to know she hates her husband based on the letters I’ve intercepted to her sister that she visits so frequently. I would almost say we could knock on the door and ask politely to enter her husband’s vault and decimate his life. Though the thick security and the heartrenders only bow to their master, the man who pays their wages. So, unfortunately, a tea party in the vault with his wife is not an option.” Kaz rasped, his fingers still mussing in her hair despite his task being completed.

 

            “I think I would very much like to see you sip earl gray with a merchers wife and some heartrenders in a bank sized vault.” Inej laughed and Kaz rolled his eyes, though he could not hide the smile marring his lips.

 

            “I’m sure I’d also somehow be the life of that conversation in your mind, Inej.” Kaz chuckled. Inej laughed and felt her heart beat with that excess happiness as if it were blood.

 

Kaz was standing between her knees as she sat on his desk, and for the first time since he came to stand before her, she was reminded of the only other time he had stood like this. It had been a year ago, in the Geldrenner hotel bathroom. This time, he was smiling. She was not bleeding. He was touching her hair. There was no water in his mind or eyes.

 

            Inej was momentarily struck with the beauty of the world’s chaos. How something that had once seemed so impossible, was now happening right before her eyes.

 

            “What is that look?” Kaz asked quietly. Inej had not realized she had fallen silent, she felt a smile on her face still.

 

            “I’m just… I’m just happy, Kaz. In a way I’d once thought would never be possible for me.” Inej whispered honestly. Kaz quirked his head and she saw something ease in his expression.

 

Sharp lines blurred to softness, like the artist who drew Kaz blended the edges just for her.

 

“I… I am too.” Kaz said, eyes focused on hers. He moved his arms without dropping her gaze and he wrapped them around her as he moved closer. Inej wrapped her own arms around him, her knees brushing his hips. Inej rested her head against his chest and listened to his heart beat through his shirt, it’s beats were fast, but Inej did not suspect it was because he was going to drown. It was how she imagined her own heart sounded now, being this close to him even through clothing.

 

It was the kind of magic that had nothing to do with sleight of hand.

 

“Bed?” Kaz mumbled after a few minutes, his chin on her head. He had been swirling his hands over her shirt on her lower back. It felt so different than any intimate touch Inej had ever received. It felt natural. Loving. Inej wanted to plant her roots right here and bloom in Kaz’s arms till the Saint’s called her time of death; surrounded by the scent of home.

Inej hummed an agreement and reluctantly let him pull away from her. Inej had changed into his clothes earlier as he’d spoke of the plans for their hit on Charles Hester. Inej slipped off his desk and grabbed her bundle of clothes from beside her and proceeded to walk to the drawer that was now hers. She opened it with a smile and laid her things inside. She felt Kaz’s eyes on her from his spot still near his desk. It was only as Inej slipped in to the bed under the sheets that she heard him shut the bathroom door to change into his own sleep clothes.

 

Inej hoped that someday the both of them could change right in front of the other without so much as a second thought. Or forego the clothes all together. Inej felt her skin flush at the thought as she laid her head against the cool pillow.

 

KAZ

 

            Kaz exited the bathroom and flicked his gaze to the small shape of Inej under his sheets on his bed. Kaz didn’t think he’d tire of that sight. Inej, safe, warm, waiting for him. Kaz still wasn’t quite used to this, going to bed with the girl he loved. Kaz would be content to just sleep next to her for the rest of his life, but he would work for the day when they could blow out the candles and do anything but sleep. Kaz wanted that with Inej.

 

            Kaz approached the bed and Inej lifted her head. He saw her eyes narrow as she pulled her lip between her teeth. Something she did when she wanted something. Kaz had to know what it was.

 

            “Yes, Wraith?” He asked as he set his time piece on the nightstand. Inej did not respond, when he turned his eyes back to her, she was holding up the sheet for him. The way he’d done for her on all the previous night’s they’d spent together. Kaz was surprised. Kaz wanted to do it. Kaz didn’t want to brush her skin in the night and see her face if he flew from the bed. Kaz wanted to climb in and pull her close to him. Kaz wanted to beat his demons back to hell with the head of his cane just so he could have this with her.

 

He just wanted.

 

“You don’t have to… I just-” Inej’s mouth clicked shut. He saw flush trace down her chest under the collar of his shirt. Kaz couldn’t help but catch her hand before she let the sheet fall. Kaz was terrified of this failing, but he was more terrified of her not offering again because he’d been too much of a coward to try. Kaz watched her eyes as he slipped into bed next to her, under the sheets. Inej moved farther away from him and he found himself frowning at the wide expanse of bed between them.

 

Three feet that felt as wide as the True Sea.

 

Kaz looked up to her as he laid his head down on the pillow. Inej’s eyes reminded him of the hot dark chocolate his Da used to make on the morning of the first snow fall on the farm.

 

They warmed his body in the same way.

 

Inej was looking at him too and he wondered what she could possibly see that made her lips soften into a smile.

 

“Tell me something I do not know.” Inej whispered next to him. Kaz contemplated for a moment as he followed her slender bronze hand that came up to pillow beneath her cheek. One thought came to mind immediately. Kaz shook the thought away. Not yet.

 

I love you, Inej. With every single twisted and criminal part of myself.

 

“That’s a broad request.” Kaz replied instead. Inej rolled her eyes and she pursed her lips just slightly.

 

“It’s a game my mother would play with me before bed every night when I was growing up. We tell each other something we did not know about the other. When I was small, I thought mama would know everything and I could not possibly come up with an answer. I was wrong. Once, I even accidentally admitted I’d stolen candies before dinner. She had laughed so hard she forgot to punish me.” Inej giggled. Kaz smirked at the image of little Inej thieving sweets. Kaz thought for a long moment.

 

“Once when I was six, one of the barn cats gave birth to a litter of kittens. One of them was too small, and our Da said he wouldn’t make it and nature had to take its course. We couldn’t save him. I didn’t believe Da, I thought I could save him. I snuck the kitten into the house in my pocket. He mewed too loud, but I got him into mine and Jordie’s room. Jordie had looked at me like I was crazy. We saved him and named him Legacy. Because he would live and be a legacy. We snuck milk for him for weeks, Inej.” Kaz chuckled at the memory, he hadn’t thought of this in years. Inej laughed too.

 

“Our Da found out when he was three months old. Da had looked from me to Jordie and said ‘I don’t know why I thought you’d be doing anything different.’  He never even punished us. We let Legacy back outside and he became the best barn cat. He brought a dead mouse to me once on the front steps of the house. Jordie had laughed so hard he cried because I said ‘thank you’ to the cat, Inej. I was six and I thought it best to use my manners.” Kaz couldn’t stop the laugh from the memory. Kaz had almost forgotten that he had good memories with his brother, too.

 

I still remember you, Jordie. I remember you before.

 

“I was wrong, you do have manners, Kaz.” Inej muffled her laughter into the pillow.

 

Kaz wanted her laugh to be his lullaby forever.

 

“Your turn, tell me something I do not know.” Kaz whispered as she lifted her gaze back to him. Inej smiled, seemingly to herself as she pondered on something to tell him. Kaz wanted to know everything, he’d take what she gave him.

 

“One thing you do not know about me is that I’m incapable of cooking. When I was ten, Mama tried to teach me to make pan bread. It’s the easiest thing to make, Kaz. I had one job. Flip the bread once it was golden on the face down side. I forgot because Mama had left out the new balancing sticks on the table. They were far too big for me, but I was determined to begin practicing. I left that bread in the pan Kaz, and it almost burned down the caravan.” Inej laughed freely and Kaz traced the smile on her face with his eyes. The story made his heart hammer in his chest, it was so… Inej. Determined to start her practice as an acrobat with new balancing sticks, saying ‘to hell with bread’. Kaz could imagine a fierce little Inej stomping around with a stick far too big for her.

 

“Papa told me that we had to be thank the Saints for Mama or we would both go hungry. He said I took after him in the kitchen.” A gentle smile lit up her face. Kaz reached out with his hand and she met him halfway with her own. Kaz couldn’t believe he was able to do this with her hands now. He didn’t even have to think about it.

 

It was truly a miracle; he didn’t give a damn if it was her Saints or Ghezen or Greed he had to thank for it.

 

“One more before sleep. Tell me something I do not know.” Inej whispered as she swirled her thumb along the edge of his hand under the sheets. Kaz pondered the question once more.

 

“Do you remember the book with my cards in it?” Kaz asked quietly. He wasn’t sure why this is the truth he wanted to share.

 

“Yes, of course.” Inej said, her eyes filled with curiosity.

 

“That book was my brothers. I never read it, but he told me the entire story so well that I didn’t think the author could tell it nearly as good.” Kaz rasped, letting his eyes catch on her cheek bones as they lifted with her smile.

 

“I think I would have liked him.” Inej whispered with such sincerity that Kaz wondered if he could kiss her now, if it would be worth the drowning. He thought it would be.

 

“He’d have loved you. Your turn.” Kaz said, feeling the honesty of the statement in his bones.

 

“My favorite scent is cinnamon and bourbon.” Inej whispered, it seemed like a much larger admission somehow. Kaz wasn’t sure what her look meant.

 

“Why?” Kaz asked and squeezed her hand gently.

 

“It’s what you smell like. Home.” Inej inhaled. Kaz had no idea he had a scent. He felt his stomach flip in a delightful way. Inej’s eyelids were drooping and Kaz felt exhaustion in his bones as well.

 

“Sleep, Inej.” Kaz whispered, and when he heard her breathing deepen, he finally allowed himself to close his eyes.

 

 

 

 

Kaz half woke some hours later, Inej’s hair was tickling his nose. They were pressed together from shoulder to knees, her small frame snug against him, clothes protecting their skin from brushing. His arm wrapped around her waist.  Kaz did not ponder the realization, sleep already dragging him back into its clutches. Kaz felt warm, so warm. Kaz felt safe.

 

Kaz pulled Inej closer still, each inch of shattered space an unspoken I love you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 20: Air I Breathe

Summary:

Inej and Kaz are on the job, it goes well until it doesn't. Will everyone make it out alive?

Notes:

Chapter 20! Hey guys! I'm so sorry for the late upload, I got busy with the holidays and commitments. I hope you all understand and forgive me. This chapter is definitely more angsty, and there is violence and a bit of a scare here. I just wanted to put that warning out there, but I do promise that the next chapter will be lighter! I wrote this during the midst of Holiday things so I hope it's still worth the read, it was hard to write but its a crucial chapter in the grand scheme of things. I also hope your forgive me for any mistakes and if it's not quite as good etc since I had less time to revise. I worked hard though still so I hope you love it! (Also, If anything truly awful was going to happen here, I would have made a tag for it, so don't worry) You'll understand when you read. As always, thank you so much for reading, for commenting and for supporting this story! It means so much to authors like me to read what you thought. I hope you all had an amazing holiday or days if you don't celebrate! Don't worry I'll be back with the next chapter ASAP tomorrow so you won't be on a cliffhanger for long!
As always, comments with what you think and any feedback are always welcome and absolutely encouraged!
Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart.

INEJ

 

            There were glass shards stuck in Inej Ghafa’s feet as she climbed the rooftops of Ketterdam. The Hester estate had been a difficult mark, but it had succeeded. Inej pondered back on the evening to distract herself from the pain of the glass in her feet on her way back to the Slat:

 

They had successfully switched the Dregs own grisha healer, Arman, with one of the heartrenders guarding the basement vault under the estate. Kaz had laid those plans carefully. Inej still wasn’t sure entirely how he’d been able to pull off getting Arman proof of employment for Charles Hester and successfully getting the other regular heartrender out of the way. Inej heavily suspected Specht’s particular gift for forgery, though. Corporalki was the order of the living and the dead in the Grisha hierarchy, and Arman was technically part of it, so the plan was thorough. Arman was a grisha who defected from the second army and leaving to Ravka after the Kuwei Yul-Bo auction. He opted to stay in Ketterdam and join up with the Dregs instead. Inej suspected it was because of Daron, a medic who worked in the University District hospital. Inej had seen them walking hand in hand once; and Arman constantly spoke of him according to Anika. Inej had inquired about the Dregs new healer after Anika had been shot, he seemed loyal and skilled based off Inej’s first impressions.

 

 Arman had been able to incapacitate the second heartrender in charge of guarding the basement vault, Inej knew it had taken a toll on the healer. Using his gift in that manner had gone against all of his training. Though, like Nina when she was still a heartrender before the jurda parem, his gift could go both ways. At least partially. Inej had taken out the stationed security along with Roeder, their weeks of intel had proved fruitful. It had been exactly the same patrol rotation of the grounds that Inej and Roeder had planned for. It had been a silent entry. Hester’s wife was still sound asleep in her bed, none the wiser.

 

Once they’d gotten into the house, Kaz had come in with his skill set. Inej smiled through the pain in her feet at the memory. Kaz’s eyes sparkled when he saw a particularly challenging lock. Kaz had made quick work of the seven different lock mechanisms, his lips quirked in concentration the entire time.

 

Inej hoped that when she wasn’t looking, Kaz looked at her the way he looked at a lock.

 

Inside the vault itself on the other hand, had made Inej sick. It was nothing like what she expected. It hadn’t truly been a vault at all, it had been a prison cell. Inside the safe door, there had been a small room, perhaps fifteen by twenty feet. Kruge used for funding the slave trade and Hester’s precious smuggling documents had been stored in a second smaller safe in the front half of the room, there had been a thin curtain separating the second half of the space. Inej had pulled the curtain open to reveal rusted steel prison bars. She thought she would have lost the contents of her stomach right there. Behind the bars the ground was covered in sawdust, there had been rings with chains and manacles on the walls. There had been a bucket to serve as a toilet. It had frozen Inej in place, rage clouded her vision and her mind. Charles Hester was the most despicable creature Inej had ever encountered. Not only because of what he’d done to her in the Menagerie. Charles Hester stored new “shipments” for the pleasure houses when the Slave ships brought them to Ketterdam before the enslaved people were taken to their new masters. Inej had been brought straight to the Menagerie after Tante Heleen bought her indenture. The fact that Inej herself could have ended up in a room just like the one before her was not lost to her. She had thanked her saints for that small mercy when she nearly fell to her knees in the middle of the job. Kaz had to bring her back and pause his work on the smaller safe.

 

He’d had to step in front of her and pull the curtain closed. His dark eyes had focused on hers. His voice of stone on stone was the only thing that brought Inej out of her frozen rage. Inej thought again about what he had said “Inej we have to make it out of this room so we can make sure no one else has to come back here.” He had whispered it in such earnest that her mind had slowed down enough for her to focus back on the job, to get out of the estate before a single unconscious guard woke and could sound the alarm to the stadwatch.

 

They’d made it out, and Inej knew Kaz had taken every last coin of the tax evaded funds that fueled Charles Hester’s monstrous behavior. Inej was pleased, but she was more eager to have a look at all the documentation that she and Kaz had also lifted from the room. Inej picked up her speed along the shingled rooftops of the financial district. She did not want to stop to focus on her feet when on this side of town. Kaz had gone with Arman and Rotty on the ground, Roeder had taken an opposite route to Inej so they could better make sure that Stadwatch patrols had not been notified or stopped along their planned route back into Dreg’s territory. Inej caught glimpses of Kaz and the others every now and then from her race along the skyline. She had been keeping tabs on them in case they ran into any trouble.

 

 Inej’s feet felt awful but it was not the worst pain, her rubber slippers had protected her from the majority of the glass. It had been a stupid mistake on Roeders part while re-knocking out a waking guard on their way out of the building; he’d shattered a nearby window and glass had flown everywhere. Thankfully the window had been on the back side of the estate, far enough away from Hester’s sleeping wife and her quarters so as not to wake her. Inej had seen the look on Kaz’s face directed to the new spider, she did not want to be there when Kaz got him in his office. Inej did not pity Roeder though. He needed to be stealthier if he wanted to be a passable spider, and more importantly keep his own life safe as well as the others who relied on him. The glass in her feet had also cost her precious speed on her race across the rooftops.

 

Inej paused briefly, tracking Kaz and the others as they made their way around the bend of the last street before the Barrel. Inej would see them to Dreg’s turf and then she would allow herself a moment to pick shards from her slippers, once she knew they were in more agreeable territory. The sky was clear tonight, a rare occurrence in Ketterdam. A small mercy of moonlight from the Saints. Inej made the jump to the next building, wincing when her feet hit the ground.

 

Inej followed Kaz and the others until they were only three streets west from the Slat. As Inej jumped a gap between two apartment buildings, she found Kaz and the others were stood in the middle of the empty street in front of two hooded figures. Inej did not waste time, she began to inspect the roofs nearest to them; there were no snipers or spiders perched on the surrounding buildings. Who were they? Kaz did not have anything else planned tonight. Inej knew as much from the way he’d told her to report back at the Slat.

 

Inej silently slipped her way down a drainpipe, keeping closely to the shadows. As Inej got closer to the meeting in the street, her heart picked up speed. She listened intently.

 

“Who the hell are you and what do you want?” Inej heard Kaz rasp to the hooded man across from him to the left. Inej knew she had missed the first portion of this exchange, and judging by Kaz’s tight grip on his cane, it was not pleasant. Kaz was angry, it was an almost palpable energy in the air that sizzled like electricity. Inej spied that the first hooded figure, whom which Kaz was not questioning, was sub-consciously tapping his index finger over his pocket; there was a pistol or revolver hidden there. A nervous tick indicative of someone fresh to this type of encounter.

 

“I’m a simple messenger, Mr. Brekker. My name is Henrik. We have no quarrel with you.  Let’s just say my employer is supremely interested in someone who may be on your payroll.” The man paused and dropped his hood, from Inej’s vantage, she could tell he was about Kaz’s height. Stocky build. If Inej had to guess he was perhaps in his thirties or forties, sandy hair. Trimmed beard. Inej did not recognize the man, his accent sounded natural, like Kaz’s. Kerch born, most likely.

 

“I’m looking for a Captain of a war ship, it is docked in a berth that is listed as belonging to you. That Captain, you see, has cost my employer quite a bit of money. My employer also employs Mr. Charles Hester, which was clearly a terrible investment if you were able to get into his home. I digress, that is not my business, keep what money you have taken. I’m sure my employer will no longer have the necessary faith in Mr. Hester and I do not care for what you’ve stolen from him. I do not know this Captain’s name that I seek, but I’m told it is a woman. Do you happen to know anyone who fits that description, Mr. Brekker?” The man mused. Inej felt her stomach twist into a knot.

 

This man was here because of her. This man works for the Slave-trade. This man is looking for her and wants to use Kaz to find her.

 

“Can’t say I do, though even if I did, why would I bother to share Dreg’s business with a man who was stupid enough to stop me on the street in my territory?” Dirtyhands’ voice of gravel filled the street, bouncing off the cobblestones and empty space. Inej knew that Arman and Rotty would not say a word either.

 

“Very well. I will have what I need soon enough. Even if I do not have the Captain yet, I will have all the leads she’s acquired for my employers trading routes. It’s just business, you see. Can’t have a woman pirate setting our merchandise free when it is just so hard to come by good product.” The man let out a laugh. Inej felt frozen with rage. Inej wanted to rip the man’s throat out with the sharp end of Sankt Petyr. Inej watched as Kaz made to speak, but the man continued.

 

“I have men searching her ship for the manifests she stole from our vessel she swindled not too long ago. It is very important that the information is returned to us, it is too late to make alterations to the arrangements those manifests contain. In fact, I’d set the whole vessel aflame, if it were not for the tedious laws regarding such activities with the vessel in Harbor. Terrible legal cleanup. So, I will settle for taking those manifests back. Then I’ll find this Captain and dispose of her as well.” The man voiced. Inej knew exactly which manifests the man spoke of, she had only two leads for her next voyage and those manifests contained them. She had not left them on her ship, she had taken them to the Van Eck estate with her to go over during her leave on land. Inej was glad of it too.

 

It was then that Inej realized she had made a critical error. Inej had taken the manifests, but she had left her letters from Wylan and Jesper in her desk… they had the Van Eck residence listed. It would not take them long to decide to search her acquaintances in Ketterdam for her and those stolen manifests.

 

Jesper and Wylan. No. Inej had to go, Inej had to move.

 

Inej would not allow her friends to fall simply because she had stayed with them. Inej had no idea how many men, or how skilled of men, that this Henrik had sent to her ship. Or how long ago. They could already be at the Van Eck estate, Jesper and Wylan would not be at the ready for a fight. Inej knew the second man was most likely Henrik’s back up. Inej had to trust that Kaz and the others would be okay. Inej knew Roeder was probably across the street at this point, also hidden. Inej had to have faith in him as well. Inej knew Kaz could protect himself, but she sent a silent prayer to the Saints anyways. Inej didn’t want to walk away from Kaz, but Wylan and Jesper could need her help now.

 

Please let Kaz be alright. Let me get to Jesper and Wylan in time.

 

Inej shrank further into the shadows, and with a whispered prayer she ascended to the rooftops. Nothing more than darkness and flesh, Inej Ghafa raced amongst the shingles and the stars to her friends, to her chosen family.

 

KAZ

 

            Kaz entered the Slat with Rotty, Arman and Roeder in tow. Anika greeted them in the foyer, Kaz’s cane was dripping blood as he shrugged off his jacket. The man, Henrik, and his second, were dead. Kaz would not let them leave that street alive, not when they were looking for Inej. None of them had been hurt, Roeder had managed to take down the second man before he’d even lifted his pistol. Kaz had taken particular care of Henrik. Arman and Rotty had said nothing though he knew they’d noticed his rage had been unchained, even more than Dirtyhands normally was. They did not know it was because Henrik had threatened Inej, and frankly Kaz didn’t care beyond that. Kaz just wanted to know Inej was safe. The job had been a success, but the night had taken a toll on Inej, Kaz saw it when she froze in the middle of the vault. Kaz couldn’t blame her.

 

            Kaz had felt her near the street when Henrik had stopped them on their way back into Dreg’s territory, he knew she’d heard what the man had said. Kaz had felt her leave, he knew she had probably headed to her ship to stop the assault, knowing he’d take care of Henrik. Kaz had to trust in her the way she had in him when she had left the street. Kaz had needed to come back here, he could not risk leaving the Dreg’s unaware and unguarded if Henrik had more men in the area. Kaz did not suspect it to be the case, but he would not take that chance tonight.

 

            Kaz wanted nothing more than to shred his blood battered clothes, shower, have a drink, and feel Inej near.

 

Kaz would do none of those things until she reported back to him. Kaz entered his office, leaving Rotty to explain to Anika that the Dregs needed to be on extra guard tonight, and to have an extra man stationed at the doors of the Crow Club too for good measure. Kaz had said as much to Rotty on their trek back to the Slat after the run in with Henrik. There was a missive on Kaz’s desk containing Club numbers and Kaz busied himself going through them, avoiding checking the clock on the wall every few moments. After almost an hour, Kaz felt anxious energy boiling in his chest at a furious rumble.

 

Inej would come back any minute. She would and she would tell him her ship was fine and the men were disposed of. It wasn’t a question. Kaz would allow no other option.

 

It had been one full bell and forty minutes before the front door of the Slat slammed open outside of Kaz’s office door.

 

“ARMAN! Help! Please, please help!” A familiar voice shouted from the other side of Kaz’s door, he thought he must be wrong. Jesper shouldn’t be here. Kaz was already moving to his door.

 

Kaz could not have been prepared for the sight he found in the entryway of the Slat.

 

Kaz had lived through a thousand nightmares and none of them compared to the terror of the waking world in front of him.

 

Jesper had dropped to his knees, holding Inej. There was blood everywhere, her dark shirt dripping in the lamplight. Her hair was coming out of her braid. Her skin looked pale, wrong. Her eyes were closed, she was unconscious. Jesper was whimpering something to her that sounded like “stay with me” mixed with “why did you do that for me”. Kaz froze. Rotty and Pim had raced into the room, followed by Anika and Roeder. Kaz saw Wylan in the doorway, tears streaking down his cheeks.

 

“Oh fuck, lay her flat, lay her flat NOW!” Arman came rushing down the stairs, medical bag in tow. Kaz registered Anika gasping and Pim cursing. It was moving so slow. Why was everything so slow? Why was it so fast?

 

Inej. No. Inej. Inej. Inej. Inej. Inej. Please. No. Not her. Not Inej.

 

“I need you to cut away this part of her shirt, her pulse is there but it’s faint. I need to get the bullet out so I can start stopping the blood loss, I need to stitch her together from the inside.” Arman was saying to Rotty who was already cutting away Inej’s shirt, leaving her bindings underneath untouched. Kaz saw a horrific bullet wound just beneath her left breast on her ribcage. Kaz couldn’t breathe. Kaz couldn’t move. Kaz had to do something. Kaz had to do something, now.

 

“Jes, help her.” Kaz growled. Jesper looked up at him, and Kaz saw the broken expression in Jesper’s face shift with the realization with what Kaz was asking of him. Jesper could remove the bullet from her body quicker than Arman digging it out and beginning his healing work. Jesper took a deep breath.

 

“I’ll get the bullet out.” Jesper said directly to Arman and Jesper laid Inej’s head down gently to the ground and moved to hover his hands above Inej’s still body. Kaz dimly saw the other Dreg’s eyes widen. He thought he heard Anika gasp “grisha”. Kaz didn’t care.

Inej had to live.

 

Kaz heard a gurgling sound come from Inej’s mouth, as if she were drowning. Kaz felt his whole body go numb.

 

No. Inej. No. Inej don’t leave me.

 

“Her lung was nicked by the bullet. She’s not getting enough air. We need to keep air going to her while we work on this. Someone needs to start resuscitation, now!” Arman bellowed and Jesper was carefully extricating the bullet from Inej. Wylan stepped in from the doorway and made to move to Inej. Kaz didn’t think. Kaz didn’t care about anything in that moment but Inej.

 

“Move!” Kaz nearly shouted. He pushed Wylan out of the way. Kaz didn’t care. Inej needed air, Kaz would give her his.

 

The only sound in the room was Kaz Brekker’s knees hitting the floor beside his Wraith.

 

Kaz pinched Inej’s nose the way Arman directed, as if she had drowned. They needed to clear her airway from blood. Kaz bent his mouth to hers for the first time. It was not a kiss, but his lips touched hers. He did not feel any water. This time, his demons were drowning. They were drowning in the panic he felt coursing through his body.

 

 Inej. Inej. Treasure of my heart. Please, live. I’m here. I still need to tell you. I need to tell you I love you. Come back to me. If you are listening, Saints, let her live. Inej.

 

Kaz gave her breath in the rhythm of Arman gently pumping her chest. He heard the bullet clang to the ground.

 

Kaz had drowned a thousand times over, he wouldn’t allow Inej to drown too.

 

Inej gasped.

Chapter 21: Waiting for You

Summary:

Kaz just wants Inej to make it. Will Inej be able to stabilize?

Notes:

Chapter 21! As promised, here it is! I hope it was worth the cliffhanger and I have big things coming up after this! This one is all Kaz's perspective, which I hope you understand why when you read. I hope you guys love it and again thanks for patience with any errors and such during the holiday times! As always, all of your comments mean the world to me and inspire me so much! Your support means everything. Let me know what you think and any feedback you have is always appreciated! Thanks again!

KAZ

 

            Kaz was standing near the door to his office, Arman was using his abilities to stitch together Inej’s wound. She seemed stable, for now. Kaz didn’t think he’d ever heard a more beautiful noise than when she took air down and gasped.

 

            Kaz Brekker’s heart was being held together with string woven by Saints he didn’t believe in.

 

            Wylan was standing beside him, silently folding and unfolding his arms in front of his chest. Anika and the rest of the Dregs were still nearby, standing in the common room across from the foyer. Kaz was dimly aware of the fact that both Rotty and Anika were pacing anxiously. Kaz couldn’t bring himself to so much as move his eyes from the soft rise and fall of Inej’s chest as Arman held his hands to her skin. The bronze color was slightly less pale than it had been only minutes before. Jesper was still sitting on the ground beside Inej, twirling the bullet he’d removed between his fingers, seemingly trying to focus the energy that railed within him into the object. Jesper’s eyes were unfocused, lost in the haze of worry that Kaz also felt. No one spoke, and Kaz knew that none of them would dare ask him now why he’d made sure he was the one to help Inej. Kaz still didn’t care. Damn it all to Hell. Kaz needed to know she was going to make it, the vice grip he had on the head of his cane tightened. Arman finally rose and turned toward Kaz and Wylan.

 

            “She’s stable. At least for now. I’m a healer but I’m no miracle worker; her body has to do the rest. The bullet hit sensitive tissue, complex healing was required. It’s up to her body to hold the mending together now.” Arman paused with a look back to Inej laying on the ground behind him. He ran a dark hand through his black hair that brushed his shoulders, the motion teeming with exhaustion. “While her skin is healed, we still need to keep an eye out for any internal bleeding, even with the stitching I did. It will look like bruising to the naked eye. She’ll be out for hours yet, too much blood lost. I made sure she would sleep; she does not need to feel this pain. I would recommend we move her to where she will be able to recover for the next few days. If she makes it through the night without incident, it will tell us her body is keeping my work in place. Still, she will need to take this week slow, the next few days even more so, she must be delicate with her body. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to save her, it was a fatal wound by all counts.” Arman finally concluded and he turned away from Wylan and Kaz to begin cleaning up the medical supplies he’d left strewn around Inej. Kaz knew everyone had been listening intently to Arman’s prognosis.

 

Kaz felt like he’d been through a hurricane. He felt raw, disheveled, and like his insides had been plucked from his body and put back wrong. It did not diminish the tidal waves of relief that crashed against his chest.

 

Kaz wasn’t sure how long he’d stared in silence at his Wraith. Long enough for Arman to exit the room. Jesper rose slowly and turned to Wylan and Kaz. Wylan met his eyes and Jesper tried his best to offer a small smile to his ginger partner.

 

“Kaz, we need to move her. She deserves to be comfortable. Our house or yours?” Jesper asked quietly, aiming for discretion in the presence of the other Dregs even with his back to them and Inej. Kaz knew Jesper meant the attic or their mansion. Jesper’s gray eyes finally focusing somewhere on Kaz’s face. Jesper was covered in Inej’s blood, his yellow button up stained crimson. Kaz knew that Inej would be more comfortable physically in the Van Eck Mansion, and Kaz also knew that if he asked, Arman would station himself there to watch over her care. Kaz didn’t want to let her out of his sight. It was all too fresh. Kaz couldn’t get his scheming brain to form a rational thought.

 

“It’s not my place but… I know she would be more comfortable waking where she feels safest.” Wylan whispered. Kaz knew somewhere deep inside him that if Inej had been awake, she would tell him she wanted to be at home. Home was with him, and Kaz still didn’t understand it, how he had become that to her. Home for him was with Inej too, though. He understood that much. Kaz found he would still listen to her counsel even as she laid unconscious before him. Kaz made a call then that he swore to himself he would not regret. He would not allow Inej to be endangered because of him, and everyone here would know it.

 

“Here. She’ll stay here.” Kaz said and turned back to his office stiffly, reaching into his coat pocket on the hook around the corner from the door. He removed the skeleton key for his attic rooms.

 

“She needs something to wear. I can go try and find something that might fit- “

Anika said now from across the foyer. Kaz cut her off with a raised hand. Kaz had made up his mind. Kaz felt anxiety churn in his gut but he brushed it off, willing Dirtyhands to return once more.

 

            “She has things here.” Kaz said simply. His voice rasped more from the tightness in his throat. He heard Jesper take a deep breath. Rotty, Pim, and Roeder were staring at Kaz as if he’d grown another appendage. They all knew Inej did not have a room of her own in the Slat any longer. Kaz didn’t feel like he had the energy for this conversation now. Inej needed to be taken upstairs.

 

            “I’ll carry her.” Jesper said, already kneeling down to Inej. Kaz wanted to object, he didn’t want anyone else to touch her. Kaz knew Jesper would get her up to the attic with ease though, so he quieted the ridiculous thoughts and sharply nodded. Kaz passed the skeleton key to Wylan.

 

            “I’ll be up in a moment.” Kaz voiced. He watched as Jesper carefully lifted Inej, keeping her as still as possible. Jesper and Wylan walked up the steps toward his rooms and disappeared around the second floor landing. Kaz fixed his gloved hands on the head of his cane before he turned to Rotty, Pim, Anika and Roeder. Thankfully, Arman was the only other Dreg’s member currently in the house; the rest of the new recruits and older members were at the Club and manning various pigeon catching posts on the streets around Dregs territory. Kaz had made this so when he’d planned the Hester job, leaving Anika and Pim at the Slat.

 

            “If anyone here says a damn word about this,” Kaz paused to gesture with his hand to himself and up toward the stairs in reference to Inej. “I will personally end you. I expect loyalty to the person up there who has saved your asses countless times. I demand loyalty for myself because I have bled for this fucking gang and you cannot deny it. If a word of this leaves your mouths to anyone, even other Dregs, you will pay for it. Slowly. If you think you have gotten away with saying anything to anyone, you will suffer the rest of your life anyways. You will have to walk through each day knowing The Wraith could be behind you. You will have to keep your eyes forward knowing that I could be before you. Do I make myself clear?” Kaz rumbled.

He did not have the patience to deny his relationship with Inej, not with what they had all just witnessed. If Kaz was honest with himself, the people in this room had proven their loyalty to him time and time again. Perhaps it would be better to have these few people know, to have these people understand. Inej had always been his second in all ways besides title, but now they knew Inej was his partner. Inej was his equal, she always had been. Inej had bled for every single one of them, Inej deserved their loyalty as much as he did.

 

Kaz felt all of his instincts telling him to take it all back when the words left his lips. It showed he was human, Dirtyhands was supposed to be anything but that. Kaz couldn’t take it back. Kaz was human.

 

Kaz Brekker was a monstrous man helplessly in love with righteous, tenacious, and dangerous woman.

 

Rotty looked like he might pass out but nodded all the same. Kaz knew it was because Rotty had asked Inej to go out with him right in front of Kaz, none the wiser that Kaz himself had been the person Inej was seeing. Roeder looked momentarily surprised but shrugged it off. Pim had widened eyes as he looked from Kaz back to Anika. Anika was leaning casually against the door frame. She was clearly not as surprised as she should have been in the eyes of the other Dregs.

 

“Not a word.” Rotty spoke clearly, straightening himself to look Kaz in the eye. Kaz noted the others nodding as well, even Anika. Kaz knew she’d already agreed to this when Inej had spoken to her, but he was glad all the same that she acknowledged the weight of this secret in front of him now. Kaz had nothing left to say, he nodded once and turned to his office and closed the door and locked it. Kaz began his ascent up the stairs.

 

His girl was up there. She needed him. Kaz wouldn’t have cared if the rest of the world burned down in his absence, as long as she made it out the other side breathing.

 

As Kaz climbed the stairs, he heard Pim ask Anika why she wasn’t surprised. He heard her chuckle and walk away. Despite everything, it made Kaz want to smile. There was loyalty beating in the hearts of those people down there.

 

 

The stairs creaked once as Kaz finally reached the Attic landing. Jesper was sitting on the top stair, long maroon clad legs folded awkwardly in front of him. Kaz raised a brow when Jesper did not move out of his way.

 

“Wylan is getting her into one of your shirts and Arman stopped up here to tell us to remove her bindings so her chest can move more easily. I figured out of all the people here, Inej might feel most comfortable with that arrangement. Wylan has no desire to see a woman’s body and he’s her friend, she trusts him. I thought about grabbing Anika, but they aren’t close. I wasn’t sure… I thought about waiting for you but something told me Inej wouldn’t want you to see her… indisposed, while she was completely unconscious.” Jesper mumbled as he fidgeted with his dark hands. Kaz didn’t particularly like the idea of anyone undressing Inej while she was unconscious, including himself, but Kaz appreciated Jesper’s logic. Kaz could see the reasoning, and Wylan was a better choice than Anika. Kaz would have done it himself, but Inej wouldn’t have wanted that, Kaz didn’t either.

 

If Kaz was ever able to see Inej completely bare, he wanted that to be a very different night.

 

Wylan opened the door just then, he looked a little flustered. Probably a combination of struggling to change Inej’s clothes without disturbing her wounds and also having to undress his friend while she was unconscious.

 

“You can come in; I took a shirt from your wardrobe for her. I hope that’s alright. I didn’t want to go through everything and try and find her own things…” Wylan’s blue eyes spoke of exhaustion as he met Kaz’s gaze. Jesper stood up and followed Kaz into the attic.

 

Kaz wanted to thank every deity in the modern world for the sight of Inej breathing in his bed.

 

Wylan had unbound her hair and pulled a blanket around her, she was laying on her back with her head tilted just slightly against the pillow. A raven lock had fallen to her face. Kaz leaned his cane gently against his desk, and he heard Jesper close and lock the door behind them. Kaz ripped his gloves off quickly and tossed them on to his desk. Kaz felt Wylan and Jesper’s eyes on him as he crossed the room, his limp prominent from the use on the job tonight. Kaz stepped to his bed and gently tucked that piece of hair behind Inej’s ear. Kaz’s body reacted before his mind could catch up. He leaned down and placed a gentle kiss to Inej’s forehead.

 

Kaz wouldn’t realize until later that he’d done it without a second thought.

 

“You can go. I want to know what happened tomorrow, though.” Kaz rasped, not bothering to turn back to Wylan and Jesper standing by the door.

 

“No. We’re staying.” Wylan said with confidence Kaz rarely heard from the young mercher. Kaz turned to look at them slowly. Jesper had his arm around Wylan’s shoulders and was also nodding. His eyes looked distant but he clearly agreed.

 

“I… I need to be here when she wakes up, Kaz. I have to.” Jesper said quietly, his usually brazen tone replaced by an honest pleading. Kaz sighed. He would not deny Wylan and Jesper this even if he wanted to. Kaz simply pulled the chair from the corner near his bed and motioned to them to grab his desk chair as well. Kaz walked to the other side of his bed and eased himself down onto the mattress to sit beside Inej. Jesper and Wylan took the chairs on the opposite side. Kaz found himself reaching for Inej’s limp hand. He didn’t care that Wylan and Jesper were here.

 

He needed…. He needed her. Kaz needed to feel the pulse in her wrist. Maybe, Kaz thought, she would know he was here too.

 

“Are you okay?” Jesper asked quietly, his silver eyes glinting in the warm lamplight from Kaz’s bedside table. Kaz felt every answer he’d ever given to a question like that bloom from the soil of his mind. Answers like “always”, “of course.”, “Not your business.”, “haven’t you heard I don’t have a heart?”. Kaz wanted to quip that he was fine. That it didn’t matter how he felt. Kaz realized then that he’d never had friends he could answer honestly to before. Or he’d never wanted to.

 

Kaz shook his head before he could change his mind. No. He was not okay. He would not be okay until Inej opened her eyes and looked at him. Kaz wanted to know what had happened, but he couldn’t find the words in his mouth to ask now. Kaz just wanted Inej to wake.

 

“Me either.” Jesper whispered. Kaz saw Wylan nod too.

 

“There’s bourbon in the desk. Inej wouldn’t want us to drink over her, but I’ll take the heat for that later.” Kaz said, the joke slipping from his lips like water. He thought it might have been worth it when Jesper smiled a genuine smile that made him look much more like the Zemini sharp shooter they all knew.

 

Jesper was the closest thing Kaz had to a brother since Jordie died. Kaz had known it for some time, if he was honest with himself. It was worth a stupid joke to make his best friend rise again from his despair.

 

Kaz and Wylan watched as Jesper poured them each a drink before taking his seat next to the bed again.

 

“To whichever Saint is bothering to eavesdrop, heal her.” Jesper raised his glass in a toast.

 

They all downed the bourbon in one drink. Even Wylan. Kaz did not let go of Inej’s hand as he made another toast within the privacy of his mind.  

 

To you, Inej. For everything you’ve done as our lodestone to hold us together. We’re all here waiting for you. We all need you.

Chapter 22: A Close Thing

Summary:

Inej is recovering, it's time to talk about what happened. Will Inej be able to heal?

Notes:

Chapter 22! Yay! Okay guys, this one is all Inej's perspective, like the last one was in Kaz's. I hope you'll understand when you read. Thank you so so much for all of the support. You all mean the world to me. As always, comments with thoughts and feedback are super encouraged, they inspire me so much to keep writing. Thank you again!

INEJ

 

            Eyes open equals awful. Eyes closed equals bad, but manageable.

 

            Inej tried to squint her eyes open, thankfully the room was dim, but that was about all she could tell through the stars darting across her vision. Inej heard the patter of rain against a window, she smelled cinnamon, bourbon…. And something else? Gun powder. Definitely gun powder. It reminded Inej of Jesper and his revolvers. The other scent made Inej want to put a stop to her eye opening efforts and simply keep her eyes shut and her breathing deep and open. Inej heard several different breathing patterns swirling against the sound of the rain. Who was here? Her body felt muddled, like someone had taken a stirring spoon to her insides and hadn’t stopped swishing it around until her organs came to a boil. Pain lanced her side and she bit her cheek to keep from whimpering.

 

            Eyes. Open. What had happened? Inej couldn’t recall yet.

 

            Inej finally opened her eyes to see a slanted ceiling, the beams familiar. She could not manage turning her head yet, but her eyes shifted to her left, leaned over the bed in an awkward position was a heap of umber zemini skin next to a mop of auburn curls. Jesper’s hand was next to Inej’s, as if he’d been holding it before he’d fallen asleep. Wylan had his arms folded beneath his head on the bed as well, face turned just slightly towards Jesper. Soft snores echoed from the both of them, their breathing deep and even. Inej felt her lip twitch up at the sight. She managed to turn her head slightly to view her right side next, warmth was emanating from that side of the bed. Kaz. He was leaned against the headboard, with his legs stretched out in front of him. Her hand was in his lap, his fingers still loosely holding her wrist in sleep. His shirt was bloodstained and his hair disheveled as if he’d run his hands through it repeatedly. Black lashes splayed out on his high cheekbones. Inej felt her chest tighten. Kaz. She was safe. Kaz was here.

 

            Inej wanted to move closer to him but the pain in her side ricocheted off her organs at the slightest movement. Inej couldn’t remember why she’d opened her eyes in the dim morning light.

 

            Sleep was dragging her back under, Inej thanked the Saints for granting the wish she’d made when she stepped in front of that bullet. She remembered that much.

 

            Let me live long enough to see my Moon again, with his waning smiles and pale light that shines in the blackest of suits.

 

 

 

            Inej felt stiff as she opened her eyes once more. The room was still dim, there was a crash of thunder in the distance. She found herself examining the cracks in the beams above her, trying out focusing her irises on different spots, willing her muscles to work properly. Her consciousness felt foggy, she knew she’d woken once, but she didn’t know when.

 

How long had she been asleep? How did she get to the Slat? Kaz?

 

            Inej did not realize she’d whispered his name aloud until she heard a rushed movement from somewhere in front of the bed, a tap of a cane on the ground.

 

            “Inej?” Gravel. Stone. Kaz. Inej felt like something eased in her heart at the sound of his rasp. He sounded frantic, though. Why?

 

            “Inej.” Kaz said again, her name was spoken as if it were a prayer, something holy. Inej tore her eyes from the beams, tamping down the pain in her side as she tried to sit up slightly. She failed, falling right back to the pillows. She crushed her eyes shut with a grimace as agony twisted its talons into her ribcage.

 

            “Don’t move too much. Arman used his powers to heal you but you need to stay still for now, love.” Kaz was next to her now, she wanted to look at him. He had never called her ‘love’ before. The word fluttered through her stomach on wings of its own; despite the throbbing. Inej finally peeled her eyelids open once more as the pain receded. Inej was greeted with Kaz standing above her, his crow black hair hanging slightly in pieces on his forehead. Inej noted a dust of shadow along his jaw line. He wore a white button up as always, but no jacket or tie. His sleeves were rolled up his forearms, one side displaying his crow and cup tattoo. His eyes held a gentleness that was all Rietveld. Inej decided it was beautiful. All of him.

 

            Saints, he was the most beautiful sinner. How could the Saints not let him into their paradise in the after-life? Never mind. He’d break in himself. She loved him for it.

 

            Inej tried to move her vocal chords into a word but it died in her throat. Thirsty. She needed water. Inej wasn’t sure how she’d managed to whisper his name in the first place. She fought the fire in her throat.

 

            “Water.” The word came out dry and broken. Kaz immediately retrieved a glass from his bedside table, clearly he’d already set it there for her. Inej raised a shaky hand and took the glass. She gulped it down in a couple of swallows, the liquid coated her throat and she immediately felt just a little better. Kaz took the glass from her and filled it again with a pitcher. She downed the second glass just as fast.

 

            “Better?” Kaz questioned. Inej noticed that he seemed to be having trouble taking his eyes off of her face. His eyes didn’t leave her once. She was starting to remember the night before. The man, Henrik. His men. The Van Eck Estate. Jesper and Wylan. Where were they?

 

            “A little.” Inej managed to get out. She realized the error in her ways with chugging so much water. She needed to use the facilities and the rest of her body did not seem to agree with that course of action; seeing as she’d have to stand and walk to do that. Inej tamped down the embarrassment of having to ask Kaz to help her stand, there was no other way.

 

            “I need to get up.” Inej said softly. Kaz quirked his head just slightly in question, Inej noticed that his eyes had more of a purple hue beneath them than usual. He must not have slept for long. Inej raised a finger to gesture to the bathroom across the room from the bed behind his desk. Kaz understood immediately. As Kaz moved to lift the blanket around her, Inej realized she was in his shirt. Only his shirt. A flush traced its way down her chest, her skin was surely on fire. Inej knew she still had on her underwear, but her bindings must have been discarded when she was wounded. Inej could not allow herself to ponder on the possibility that Kaz had to change her clothes. Or someone else.

 

It made her skin itch and threatened to bring up horrific memories that she’d rather leave to rot in the sewers of her mind. She tossed the memories back into the wastes.

 

Kaz gently lifted the blanket and Inej flushed further upon realizing the shirt had ridden up in her sleep to the middle of her thighs. Kaz clearly took notice but he swallowed and bent over her, meeting her eyes the entire time. She knew what he was going to do and she was grateful she would not have to walk but she was more concerned about his leg.

 

“Your leg.” Inej whispered with a glance toward his bad knee. Kaz rolled his eyes with a stubborn huff.

 

“Clearly I can carry you, Inej. I have before.” Kaz mused, she spied a small smirk on his lips.

 

“Fine, but don’t complain to me when I ask you to carry me back from the bathroom.” Inej retorted, her own lips betrayed her serious tone with a grin. Kaz sighed in false annoyance before he leaned down and Inej moved her arms around his neck, doing her best not to brush his skin, thankfully the collar of his shirt proved to be a decent barrier. Inej shivered slightly as his arm moved under her bare legs, his other hand on the small of her back. Kaz lifted her up with ease, cradling her in his arms. She found she very much enjoyed the feeling of his biceps around her.

 

“See? Unfortunately for you, I’m less a cripple than you currently.” Kaz smirked as he walked in his uneven gait to the bathroom. Inej laughed and pain shot across her abdomen. She winced.

 

“Laughing is apparently not in my fate today.” Inej grumbled in irritation.

 

“I’m the least comical person you know, how fortunate.” Kaz quipped as he opened the bathroom door. Inej bit her lip to hold back her chuckle. Not true. Kaz could be terribly funny at the most inopportune moment. Kaz had already lit the lamp in the small bathroom.

 

“Can you stand?” Kaz asked now, his general rasp was laced in a softness that Inej was sure she was the only person to hear before.

 

“I think so, I’ll use the counter if I have to. But as you know, I have a strong core. Acrobat, remember?” Inej retorted through her pain as Kaz set her gently to her feet, she gripped the counter as she swayed slightly. It was an odd thing. Inej was always balanced.

 

“I’ll be outside. I swear on your Saints if you crack your skull open because you refuse to tell me you’ve lost your balance, I will pick the lock on the after-life door just to smite you, Wraith.” Kaz mumbled as he shut the door. She found herself smiling as she leaned against the small sink for support.

 

Inej finally managed to roll out her neck muscles and look up to the mirror. Her hair was a disarray of knots and tangles. She didn’t care. Inej noted her skin looked sullen, which was to be expected after one got shot. She had looked the same when she’d been stabbed before Nina saved her life on the Ferolind.

 

Inej managed to take care of her body’s call without falling- it was a close thing.

 

Inej wanted to walk back to the bed herself, her body was already exhausted but she wanted to use her legs if only for a moment. Inej opened the door silently. Kaz was in his desk chair twirling a letter opener between his fingers. He turned as soon as she stepped out of the bathroom on shaky feet. He rolled his eyes at her stubbornness and stood, offering her his arm. She took it without complaint. She needed help, even if she did not want it. Inej managed to dig up the courage to ask the question rolling around like a marble in her head.

 

“Did you… Did you change my clothes?” Inej whispered as they crossed the room, Kaz’s arm was a steady support beside her. Inej did not have the need for modesty with Kaz, in fact she wouldn’t mind him seeing her… but she did not like the idea of him having seen her while she was unconscious. It was… it was something private that was meant to be shared with him in a much different moment. She would not be angry if he had, only somewhat saddened. Inej was also still a girl, no matter how confident she was, she also had her insecurities. It made her human.

 

There were still scars on her body from the Menagerie, even if the majority of the wounds had been deep beneath her flesh.

 

“No. Wylan did. Jesper…. Jesper asked him to. Wylan has no interest in women and he’s close to you. I thought it was the right call too.” Kaz said as he helped her sit down on the edge of his bed. Inej felt relieved, while she still didn’t care for the idea of someone touching her body without her mind aware; she trusted Wylan. Wylan must have been gentle. Inej also knew she most certainly did not have the anatomy to appeal on any level to Wylan, which settled some sort of unease in her mind from her time at the Menagerie.

 

“It was. Thank you.” Inej said softly, her hand came up to her side, she had not lifted the shirt in the bathroom, though she was certain with Arman’s abilities, her skin was probably unmarred. Inside is where the real work was taking place. Inej winced the moment her hand came in contact with the broken part of her body. Her hand had been feather light, it must have been a horrific thing to behold, her wound.

 

Inej felt Kaz’s eyes on her. She lifted her eyes to him and he eased himself to sit beside her on the bed.

 

“I thought… I thought you’d….” Kaz was looking at his hands in his lap. There was something broken in his face and Inej wanted to rectify it immediately. Inej knew what he’d thought. He’d thought she was going to die, she knew she almost had.

 

“Kaz, look at me.” Inej said gently. After a long moment, his eyes lifted, unfocused for a moment before finally connecting with her gaze.

 

His pupils were islands in a sea of too strong tea, her favorite kind.

 

“Soja hon hai, semti. It means: The sun sets on its own schedule, so do I.  I’m still here, Kaz.” Inej whispered as she reached a hand out, palm up. Kaz did not hesitate, his hand was in hers quickly, as if he’d been missing her contact. Inej wanted to push him back and rest her head on his chest, she wanted him to smile that crooked grin she loved so much despite how it always promised mischief. Kaz inhaled deeply, it looked as if he was steeling himself to say something important.

 

“Inej I just want-” Kaz was cut off by a knock on the attic door, it had been unlocked apparently as Jesper’s lanky form appeared around the open door, Wylan behind him. She suspected they had gone home to change clothes in the time she’d been awake, both of them lacking blood spatter, the way she remembered they had been before she lost consciousness.

 

Inej heard Kaz take a shaky breath. She hadn’t been sure what he was going to say, but clearly it was something private. He did not drop her hand, even as she subtly covered her legs quickly with the blanket.  

 

“Inej!” Jesper nearly shrieked as he loped the space of the room and bent to throw his arms around Inej, he caught himself just before disaster, it would have been extremely painful if Jesper had gripped her. Inej saw the promise of an early death for Jesper in Kaz’s face. Inej squeezed his hand gently as Jesper wrapped an arm around her shoulder lightly in an embrace. He straightened back up before her. Sitting on the bed, Jesper seemed to be even taller. Inej smiled the best smile she could muster through the throbbing in her ribcage. She was just happy to see Jesper alive.

 

Jesper, her brilliant, chaotic friend who made terrible life choices but managed to be the best of them all. Jesper was alive, she’d made sure of that. She’d take a hundred more bullets to the chest to ensure his grey eyes would always twinkle with mischief.

 

“Inej.” Wylan was behind Jesper now, his sapphire irises looked lined in silver with unshed tears. Inej knew it had been bad, but clearly she’d been even closer to death than she’d thought. It had scared them. The night prior was coming back clearly now, the last thing Inej remembered before she lost consciousness was Jesper carrying her as he ran across the Van Eck garden toward a carriage and four. She remembered him saying that he was taking her to Arman, the only grisha healer available at all hours. She remembered that she’d whispered Kaz’s name; Jesper had promised Inej that Kaz would be there.

 

“I’m alright, I think.” Inej said softly, looking at her favorite people. The boys who had shaped her soul in different ways. Kaz had reminded her how to stand up, no matter how broken. Jesper reminded her that laughter could cure most anything. Wylan reminded her that gentleness was a strength all its own.

 

They all had a place in her heart made from the sky.

 

Inej felt guilt deep in her gut. Her enemies had been who had targeted all of them. Not Kaz’s. Hers. Inej knew that this path she’d chosen was dangerous, but she still wished that they did not have to be involved. Inej knew there was only one way they wouldn’t be, and Inej would never be able to take that road. Inej could not cut them from her life.

 

Inej could offer an apology though, her heart deemed it so. Her soul demanded it.

 

“Mati en sheva yelu.” Inej whispered, her throat cracking even in her native tongue. Inej felt Kaz’s thumb brush her palm.

 

“What in the absolute hell are you sorry for, wraith?” Jesper retorted, his eyes showing hurt that Inej did not understand.

 

“Is that what that means?” Wylan asked, and Inej realized she’d never spoken those words to him. Inej nodded, while it technically meant much more, she did not want to ignore Jesper’s question. She felt Kaz’s eyes on her, but she did not lift her gaze from their clasped hands.

 

“I am sorry because my line of work put you in danger. Your home. All of you. It was my enemies who caught up and it was all because I’d left your letters on my ship, they found your address. It was a mistake I will never make again. This action will have no echo.” Inej said, forcing confidence back into her tone.

 

“Inej you came into the house like a fucking hurricane, you saved our asses. We had been asleep when they broke in. Asleep. Inej, I’m a great shot but fuck even I’m not that fast.” Jesper was near yelling now, his hands tapping his revolvers with a nervous energy that was even more heightened than normal.

 

“So you weren’t at the ship?” Kaz asked softly. Inej shook her head. Her ship. She prayed The Wraith was not in disrepair. Specht. No, Specht was to go into the city to stay in the Inn the next week or so. Inej had to have faith in the Saints for his safety now.

 

“No. Those assholes, seven of them, were looking for her. They wanted to kill her. They were going to take us out too, and Inej came in and knocked six down like it was a fucking waltz with death. The last one…. He-” Jesper visibly swallowed. Inej was thankful he’d said the majority.

 

She reached into her chest and dragged courage up by the throat. She would finish.

 

“I didn’t get to him until he was on Jesper in the hallway, Jesper’s back was turned, we thought we’d gotten them all…my blades were gone, lost in the necks of the fallen. I hadn’t paused… I should have retrieved them. Wylan was with Marya, making sure she was safe…. I had nothing left but myself. The quarters were cramped… the man had his pistol raised toward Jesper, poised to shoot. I jumped. I jumped in the line of fire.” Inej relived the moment now. She had not thought about the action, Jesper had to live even if she did not.

 

It would have been a worthy death, even without a blade in her hand.

 

“You scared the hell out of us, Wraith.” Jesper sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. Wylan gently touched Jesper’s arm, a sign of support.

 

“I know. I remember I lost consciousness before we got off the Estate grounds.” Inej whispered. Kaz was silent. Inej wanted to look at him, but something cowardly was holding onto her eyes.

 

“Kaz had to resuscitate you on the foyer floor, everyone knows I can manipulate metal now because I took the bullet out and Arman looked like he was going to die from exhaustion.” Jesper said now. Inej knew it had taken a toll on them. She wasn’t sure why Jesper was telling her this.

 

“I’m not sorry for saving you, Jesper. I’d do it again. I am only sorry I led death to your door, I would not blame you if you asked me to live elsewhere when I’m on land.” Inej said and she finally lifted her gaze to her zemini friend.

 

“Hell no. No. I’m telling you this because I want you to know that none of us would have had a clue what the fuck to do without you. It was a nightmare and I’m pretty sure every single one of us wanted YOUR advice on what to do about YOU dying on the ground.” Jesper replied, his voice shaking. Something Inej hadn’t ever heard from him.

 

“He’s right.” Wylan said softly, blue eyes tinged with sadness and relief on a balanced scale. Kaz squeezed her hand as his agreement. Inej understood.

 

“Well then perhaps I shall double the use of proverbs, so in the event of my untimely end, you will all have plenty of material to reflect on and gain wisdom from.” Inej quipped, she wanted them to know she would be alright.

 

A collective groan sounded around her.

 

Inej smiled. She was alive. Her heart took flight. 

Chapter 23: Summer

Summary:

A confession from Kaz Brekker and waffles.

Notes:

Chapter 23! I hope you guys love it! I'm excited about this one and i hope you guys are too! As always your comments mean the absolute world to me and the support you guys have given me in unreal. Thank you so so much. Per usual, please leave me a comment and let me know what you think and with any feedback or advice! Thanks again!

 

INEJ

 

            The scent of warm sugar, maple, and chocolate hit Inej’s senses as soon as the door to the attic opened. Jesper came in followed by Wylan. They had only left for an hour or so, Inej had napped. Walking from the bathroom had proved exhausting enough for her mangled flesh and bones. Jesper cradled a precariously balanced stack of take-out containers.

 

            Waffles. Inej felt her mouth water.

 

Saints, please bless these friends of mine.

 

Inej sat up on the bed slowly, wincing but managing. She positioned herself against Kaz’s headboard and once again wondered where he’d gone. When Inej had woken, the room had been empty. Kaz had been with her when she’d dozed off while waiting for Wylan and Jesper to return with food. Inej knew she couldn’t have slept for more than thirty minutes or so. Kaz had been quiet after Jesper and Wylan had left, not unusually so, per say, but Inej felt like there had been something important he wanted to say but didn’t want to risk being interrupted again. He’d tell her when he was ready, Inej knew that. She would not waste her waking time worrying when it was up to him to confide in her.

 

“Hello, Captain Ghafa.” Jesper chirped as his long legs crossed the room in a matter of seconds, he set the pile of boxes down right on Kaz’s bed by her blanket covered feet. Inej smiled as Jesper shrugged out of his coat and tossed it onto a chair near the bed. Wylan smiled to her as well and took up a spot on the other chair.

 

“How are you feeling?” Wylan asked softly, running a hand through his ginger curls. Inej pondered for a moment, taking assessment of the throbbing in her chest and abdomen.

 

“Like I’ve been shot.” Inej mused as she not so subtly began to open one of the waffle boxes, a cat on the scent of a sugary mouse. Jesper laughed as he sat.

 

“Been there, it sucks.” Jesper jested as he reached into Inej’s box with a long brown arm. She glared and he took the waffle anyways, a smug smile on his face. He mumbled something like “paymenth for retrievning da wafflehs”. Inej laughed despite the pain in her side.

 

“Where’s Kaz?” Wylan asked, turning his head about the room. Inej couldn’t blame him, sometimes Kaz could stand as still as she.

 

“I’m not sure.” Inej said. She felt pathetic for a moment, she wanted him to come back already.  As if summoned, the door to the attic opened once more. Kaz came in, immediately turning his gaze to her and then assessing the fact that they were using his bed as a dining table.

 

“I’m not sleeping next to you if there’s sugar in my sheets, Wraith.” Kaz huffed as he hung his coat and hat on the hook. Jesper rolled his eyes but continued munching on his waffle. Wylan shook his head.

 

“It’s not much different than sleeping next to me without sugar in the sheets, the sweetness level is hardly elevated. I’m sweet enough.” Inej smiled smugly when Kaz snorted in disbelief. His lips quirked almost imperceptibly. Jesper laughed unapologetically.

 

“You tell him, Wraith!” Jesper chuckled with a devious and conspiratorial smile.

 

“Oh do not encourage her, neither Kaz nor I need a second Jesper sized ego running around.” Wylan smacked Jesper on the arm and Inej saw Kaz smile at that when he limped around the bed to once again sit beside her. He brought his bad leg up on the bed and stretched it out before him, rolling his ankle twice in a satisfying pop.

 

“I agree with Wylan.” Kaz quipped as he opened the box of waffles next to Inej, taking a small cinnamon one for himself. Inej smiled as she watched him set it delicately on a napkin. Kaz and Wylan were both like that, always eating delicately and prettily. Inej was more like Jesper and Nina on the other side of the spectrum, it made something warm flutter in her chest.

 

“So who’s going to tell me how long I was out for?” Inej asked finally, she could tell the sun was setting out the window despite the gray storm clouds.

 

“Only about fifteen hours, not as long as Arman thought you’d be down for.” Kaz answered from beside her. Inej noticed he must have taken the time to shave while she’d been napping, the shadow on his jaw was gone, replaced by smooth pale skin. Inej nodded, she was glad it had not been long, but she knew she was in bad form. Inej did not think she’d be climbing the rooftops tonight to check on her ship.

 

“Where did you go?” Inej asked as she picked at her waffle. Kaz must not have gone too far, she was asleep for only a short while.

 

“I had to give orders to dispose of the bodies at the estate. I already took care of Henrik and his second last night before you- before you were here.” Kaz said simply with a slight inclination of his head towards Jesper and Wylan. Inej did not miss how he’d paused when he spoke of her getting shot.

 

“How did you explain to everyone why they were cleaning up the Van Eck estate? Also, what is the cover? That I’m here because Arman is?” Inej was realizing slowly that she had no idea what the other Dregs had seen, what they thought happened. Inej knew Kaz wouldn’t tell them the truth, he’d almost run when Anika found out. Inej felt sadness rise within her at the memory, but she reminded herself that he’d stayed. Kaz had stayed even when he’d been afraid.

 

“They know what happened. They also know why you’re here, in my room. They know that we are…. involved.” Kaz swallowed and avoided her eyes. Inej thought her jaw was going to unhinge itself from her skull and scurry away.

 

“You mean… you told them?” Inej asked, disbelief seeping into each word. Jesper and Wylan were both trying very hard not to interject, Inej could tell.

 

“Yes. Only Pim, Rotty, Roeder and Anika. I suspect Arman as well since he was in here to check on you once last night as well. None of the others know, and if the ones that do know speak a word of it, I already assured them they will not find peace in the greeting of a death by my hands.” Kaz rasped.

 

Inej didn’t know why the world had been turned on its head while she slept; but she enjoyed this strange new reality, she decided. Inej didn’t mind the most loyal of the Dregs knowing Kaz was hers. She was his, too. It was not a possessive thing, it was more a way of saying she would protect him, and he her.

 

Inej nodded slowly.

 

“Why did you tell them?” Inej asked.

 

“Probably because I was about to give you mouth to mouth and Kaz pushed me out of the way in front of everyone.” Wylan said, looking almost surprised the words had left his mouth. Kaz glared. Jesper chuckled but took Wylan’s hand in a show of union against the cold front that was Kaz. Inej didn’t understand. Why would Kaz not want Wylan to save her if he could? Kaz couldn’t do it himself, not yet.

 

It was then that Inej remembered that Jesper had said Kaz resuscitated her.

 

Her heart beat at a rate that was surely not normal. The feeling in her stomach reminded her of falling. She was unsure what to make of this new information. She was glad it had been Kaz. She was angry that those were the circumstances that allowed his lips to touch hers. She was frustrated. She was obscenely grateful, Kaz had saved her. Kaz had done it because she needed him. Kaz had said to hell with his demons and saved her life.

 

“You did it?” Inej tried to hide the surprise in her voice. Kaz had not spoken of his touch issues with Jesper and Wylan. To anyone else, it would just appear that Inej and Kaz were fiercely private with their affections. Which, Inej supposed, they were in some way. Always would be in their line of work. Kaz nodded slowly, his eyes not leaving the waffle in his lap.

 

“Thank you. To each of you for carrying me when I couldn’t walk.” Inej said softly, she placed her hand between herself and Kaz and felt saddened when he didn’t reach for her. Inej left her hand but turned back to Jesper and Wylan who were now arguing the merits of sugar coated waffles versus syrupy ones.

 

Inej was surprised when a moment later she felt something tickle her palm, not Kaz’s hand. Inej turned to look down at her hand. Her heart swelled.

 

In her hand was a small bundle of wild geraniums, tied with a black ribbon. It had been a lavender petal that tickled her palm. Kaz had placed them in her hand as if it were a magic trick. 

 

Her favorite flower, gifted to her from the boy who had taken the time and learned her as no one else does.

 

Geraniums that her mother always said made the whole world smell like summer.

 

Inej felt that summer bloom in her chest, the growth tended by pale trickster hands that were violent enough to kill a man. Gentle enough to hold her together.

 

KAZ

 

            Wylan and Jesper had finally left once Inej assured them she was fine, she just needed sleep. Kaz had been at his desk in the low burning lamplight for hours. He was working at a pace slower than molasses, his eyes betraying him by shifting to Inej’s shape in his bed every few minutes. The slow rise and fall of her chest was a relief every time. Inej had fallen asleep quickly after Wylan and Jesper had left, and Kaz had been worried. Arman had checked on her though and said she just needed rest. Kaz hated having to put his faith in the word of someone else, but he had no choice.

 

            Kaz heard a rustle of sheets as he read the same line of numbers for the third time.

 

            “Bed.” Inej mumbled from the darkened side of the room. He saw her head slightly raised off the pillow, she wanted him to join her. Kaz felt a flutter in his stomach. He should keep working. His bravado was already cracking though when she laid her head back down and he felt her eyes on him, daring him to tell her no.

 

            “I should finish this. Rest, Wraith.” Kaz shook his head and forced his eyes back to the page.

 

            “And I should not have gotten shot. Let us continue breaking rules.” Inej hummed sleepily. Kaz smiled despite himself.

 

            Inej was alive. Inej wanted him. It felt like a weight was slowly leaving his shoulders with each breath she took. Last night was the first time Kaz had ever felt real, palpable terror since his brother died. It didn’t even compare to when Jan Van Eck had kidnapped her; Kaz had at least known she was alive.

 

            “I thought I was the monstrous influence in this arrangement.” Kaz quipped even as he was already setting aside his pen and closing the folder of numbers.

 

            “Mmm not always.” Inej mumbled, her voice muffled partially by the pillow. Kaz rolled his eyes as he stood and shrugged off his blazer. He walked to his wardrobe and hung his jacket before he unbuttoned and removed his shirt, his back to Inej. He felt her eyes tracking his movements.

 

            “You’re handsome.” Inej said in a whisper. Kaz froze. He knew she was half asleep, but something cracked in his chest. He’d known people had looked at him before, he was not completely dense. But, he’d never been called attractive, no one had ever been close enough. He’d especially not been called attractive by the only girl whose opinion he cared for. Especially not while shirtless. Kaz didn’t know what to say, even as he turned to sneak a look at her in his bed. She was on her side, looking at him with her bronze hands clasped beneath her head. Her dark eyes shining just slightly in the dim light flickering from his desk behind him. He noticed she’d used her water cup as a vase on the bedside table for the flowers he’d given her. He smiled freely. He couldn’t have stopped the motion if he’d stitched his lips shut.

 

            “You have a dimple.” Inej whispered, her lips parted in a soft sleepy grin. Kaz had forgotten he even had a dimple. It wasn’t something he’d ever see; he wasn’t one to smile to himself in the mirror. His brother had the same dimple though, Kaz remembered.

 

            “Are we pointing out the obvious, wraith? Because then I will tell you that you are half asleep and delirious.” Kaz quipped softly as he retrieved his sleep trousers from a drawer.

 

            “Delirious enough to tell you I think you are my favorite view. You beat the True sea and the Ketterdam skyline.” Inej whispered in reply.

 

            Kaz felt his heart hammer furiously in his chest. His skin felt warm. It was all still so new. Inej felt things about him he’d never imagined a monster like him could possibly deserve. What did Inej see in him that he did not see in himself?

 

            Kaz did not respond, he went into the bathroom and changed his clothes, only to return to Inej trying to sit up from the bed.

 

            “What are you doing?” Kaz grimaced when she winced from pain he could only imagine was worse when she moved.

 

            “I don’t have any pants on, Kaz. I don’t want to make…. I don’t want to make it worse for you to sleep next to me.” Inej said, defeat on her face when she could not will her body to move.

 

            “I’ll sleep on top tonight. Don’t push yourself, Wraith.” Kaz said and he retrieved the spare blanket once more. He knew she was trying to make things easier for him but all he could really focus on was the fact that he couldn’t be the type of man who relished in the fact that his girl was pant-less in his bed. He hated it so much that he vowed once again he would beat this. He would beat the ghosts and the water and he would be able to hold her bare, in body and soul.

 

            I will be able to love her that way too. I will, someday.

 

            Kaz slipped onto the bed next to Inej, he eased himself to lay beside her. He faced her on his side. Inej jutted her lip slightly at the space between them. Kaz made a show of moving an inch closer, she rolled her eyes but a smile danced on her lips.

 

            Kaz didn’t know how long they looked at each other in silence. They didn’t need words for this reunion, they rarely needed words at all in fact. Kaz memorized her jaw line, he etched the way her lips parted softly into his memory. After the past twenty-four hours, Kaz would be content to stare at her for the rest of his life.

 

Damn his reputation and criminal empire.

 

            “I think the Saints must be angry with me,” Inej whispered, startling him from the line his eyes were making along her mouth.

 

            “Why?” Kaz held in his chuckle. Her Saints should never be angered with such a loyal follower.

 

            “They allowed your lips to touch mine but I was unconscious.” Inej’s eyes were hanging on his lips. His cheeks were aflame, but he was certain his pale pallor had not changed to her eyes. Kaz could hardly remember her lips under his, it hadn’t been a kiss. It had been adrenaline fueled and he’d only wanted her to breathe; he didn’t know if he could do it again. Kaz wanted to know what her lips felt like under his, he wanted to be there for it and not lost in a panic so profound he couldn’t recognize the victory. He wanted to see Inej’s face after it. He wanted…

 

            Kaz was helpless but to try this once, try something small. Kaz moved that distance between them, his head lifted above the pillows, his elbow propping him up. Inej’s eyes widened just slightly as Kaz brushed his lips in a gentle but real kiss to her cheek. He felt a wave of nausea, but her eyes sparkled. It quelled the unease in him.

 

Her eyes built dams in front of the rushing water. They kept him safe. Dry. Warm.

 

Desire bled into his bloodstream but he forced himself to lay back down beside her. Inej’s smile then was something he’d think of when he died, he was sure. They say your life’s greatest moments pass before your eyes you when you die. Kaz knew almost all of his included Inej. He’d once said to her that he wanted be buried under the weight of his own gold. He changed his mind. He wanted to be buried with a thousand more moments like this etched onto his crooked heart.

 

It was obvious what the better treasure was.

 

“What were you going to tell me earlier?” Inej whispered. Kaz knew when she was speaking of, it had been right before Jesper and Wylan had come in when she’d first woken. Kaz swallowed the knots in his throat. Inej was looking at him curiously, her eyes darted to his throat as it bobbed.

 

“Etma se saman.” Kaz rasped. He’d practiced saying the words in her language ever since she’d said them to him. Kaz hadn’t said them back, and it was not quite yet the full truth he wanted to give, but that… his throat caught on the words. Kaz had decided he couldn’t hold onto this secret in his chest after all they’d been through. She had to know. Inej had to know he loved her.

 

Kaz watched as Inej’s smile widened, her eyes glassy. Clearly he’d said the words correctly in his accent.

 

“Etma se saman, Kaz. Always.” Inej whispered. Kaz smiled as he felt her fingers interlock with his between them on the bed.

 

 

 

 

 

“I love you.” Kaz finally whispered aloud for the first time, her breathing deep and even beside him. Ink lashes splayed against bronze skin. Kaz felt the truth of it in his bones.

 

 Inej would hear him next time.

Chapter 24: Armored Hearts

Summary:

"Dirtyhands made the climb to the Wraith, this time."

Notes:

Chapter 24! I hope you guys love it, it's a little angsty but with a good ending so I hope you guys don't mind! Thank you so much for your continual support and every read, comment and kudos. It means everything to writers like me. As always, please leave me a comment with what you think and any feedback or advice! Thank you again!

INEJ

 

            Inej had spent almost two full days in bed, but her body was finally seeming to cooperate. She had managed to shower, put on real clothes and arm herself. Inej had found her blades clean and in the order she always laid them in on top of Kaz’s desk. Presumably, Jesper had brought them with himself and Wylan the day prior. Inej knew Kaz had probably been up for hours, already downstairs and running the city. She smiled to herself at the thought.

 

Inej had one mission today, walk to the docks and see her ship. Her nerves had been frayed despite Jesper having told her that he and Wylan had not noticed any damage when they’d gone in her stead to check on the vessel. Inej needed to see The Wraith for herself. Inej also needed to start planning, she had not mentioned to Kaz or Jesper and Wylan that she was now planning to cut her leave short… those manifests were in her possession and if whoever Henrik’s employer was discovered that she still had them… he would change his routes. Inej had to act quickly. Inej felt conviction in her heart and she had a personal vendetta now, even more than before.

 

Whoever Henrik’s employer was, he would regret the day he targeted Inej Ghafa and those she loved.

 

Inej eyed the window but opted to use the stairs in the Slat. Inej knew her body still needed to be treated with delicacy even if she felt better. It was something Papa always told her when she strained her muscles as a young girl, “Our bodies tell us what our minds cannot, we must listen to both sides of the story.”

 

Inej made it down the flights of stairs, much slower than she usually would have, not braving to slide down the bannister in her current predicament. Inej reached the foyer of the Slat and heard voices in Kaz’s office, his door was cracked. Inej proceeded to tap on the door and open it.

 

“Wraith! You are alive and well!” Rotty exclaimed and offered her a toothy grin. Inej smiled too, it was nice to not have to hide the fact she’d been in the Slat this entire time.

 

“Welcome back, Inej.” Anika said from her spot in one of the chairs across from Kaz’s desk. Inej inclined her head, grateful for the respect found between the two of them.

 

“Wraith.” Roeder nodded to her from beside Anika. Pim was not present, presumably sleeping off his shift at the Club from the night before. Inej finally flicked her gaze to Kaz, who was looking at her unapologetically, seeming to assess if she was alright.

 

“Good morning.” Inej said softly, as she looked back at Kaz. She did not mind this new normal, she was able to look at him easily without trying to hide their relationship with one another.

 

“We have all the plans figured out, you may leave.” Kaz rasped to everyone in the room, Inej knew the meaning. “Leave us alone, now.”Inej caught Rotty hiding a small, sly smile but they filed out of the room quickly. Dirtyhands did not have much patience. The door clicked shut behind Inej.

 

“Are you well?” Kaz asked, folding his gloved hands in front of him on his desk.

 

“Well enough. I need to see my ship. I know they said it was fine but… I have to make sure. That ship is everything to me.” Inej said softly.

 

That ship is everything to me because you gave it to me. You set me free.

 

“You are going to climb?” Kaz asked, she noticed the swallow he took. He was concerned but he wouldn’t say so. Inej felt warmth encompass her chest.

 

“No I will walk. I’ll be alright if I managed the copious amounts of stairs, I do not envy you, Kaz Brekker.” Inej chuckled. Kaz sighed but she saw the smirk before he banished it from his face.

 

“I can come with you, if you’d like.” Kaz said as he ran a gloved hand through his hair.

 

“No, that’s alright. I know… I know I’ve kept you from a lot these past days,” Inej paused. She wasn’t sure how to tell him she would be leaving a full three weeks early if she could manage to get her crew back to the ship within the next few days. Inej didn’t want to leave, not with all the moments she’d shared with him since her return. But, Inej could not let more people fall to the fate she’d barely survived herself. It was her purpose, her aim. Kaz was included, but this was…. This was what Inej needed to do. Besides, Inej hoped it would make up for it that she would return in less than three months’ time if everything went as planned. The routes she would be targeting were closer than her previous voyage, she would also not be sailing to Ravka. Last time she’d had to drop off her parents, that was not a concern this time. Inej would also be staying for two or three months on land upon her return to make up to her crew as well for cutting their leave short. Inej took a deep breath.

 

“I also have to start making plans. I need to move before whoever Henrik’s employer finds out he failed. Surely, he would change his routes in that case, and I can’t…. I can’t let that happen. I need to get to those ships before they even steal the innocent from their homes. I’m going to tear it all down, Kaz.” Inej said, she lifted her eyes to meet his.

 

She saw it happen. She saw the hurt. She saw it for a split second before walls came up behind his eyes.  

 

“Whatever you think is best, Wraith. It is not my business.” Kaz grit out. His eyes were sharp, Dirtyhands. His jaw was locked. No emotion in his face. Inej wanted to scream. He knew what this meant to her, to go after the slave traders. Kaz knew and he was hiding his emotions from her once again, after everything. Inej knew they would have setbacks but this was infuriating. Inej would not beg for more from him.

 

Kaz knew who she was, she would not settle for sometimes.

 

He was in or he was out. She would not sit and watch him build walls around himself out of fear of pain. Inej could not tear them back down for him, he had to do that himself. Inej was hurt more than anything. Inej knew he was resorting to his mask because he didn’t want to feel the pain of her leaving so soon, after almost dying.

 

It didn’t make it any less painful to watch his armor lock back into place.

 

“When you want to talk about it with me instead of shutting me out, I’ll listen.” Inej said softly, not bothering to hide the hurt in her voice. His eyes did not betray a thing.  

 

Inej Ghafa turned and left Kaz Brekker with his armored heart.

 

She wanted him to call out. He did not.

 

KAZ

 

            It had been eight bells and thirteen minutes since Inej left his office.

 

            Fuck.

 

            Kaz had shut down. He’d felt it happen before he even decided to turn the key within the lock.

 

Kaz hadn’t been able to deal with the idea of Inej leaving so soon after he’d just watched her walk the line between life and death as if it were a high wire.

 

Kaz felt like someone squeezed his chest in a vice as he watched her walk away that morning. Her voice had sounded hurt, angry. It sounded the way it had the night on Black Veil, when she’d asked if he would have come for her. At least then he’d managed to rip the words from his armored walls. Today he had not. Kaz knew he’d fucked up, he knew Inej was angry. Inej had always been able to convey her feelings with the energy that emanated from her silence; and through the lack of her presence.

 

Dirtyhands had tried to convince Rietveld that this was the problem with unnecessary attachments. Dirtyhands wanted him to learn his lesson, brush the dust of his shattered heart off his gloves, and move on. Rietveld had more rage in this fight.

 

Inej wasn’t an unnecessary attachment. Inej was everything. Kaz was in love with Inej. Dirtyhands had respect for the Wraith. Kaz couldn’t shut her out. If Kaz didn’t make this right, he’d lose her. Inej wouldn’t settle for half of him, she’d been clear. Inej hadn’t handed half of herself over, either. Inej wanted him to be her partner and he’d failed her today.

 

Ten bells and thirty-six minutes since she’d left.

 

Kaz was in his attic rooms, the window was unlocked and open even though he hoped she wouldn’t climb after her injury. Kaz would be lying if he hadn’t checked to see if her toothbrush was still on the counter. Kaz had checked to see if she’d left her geraniums on the bedside table. She had. Part of Inej was still here. Kaz didn’t know how this worked yet, would Inej give up on him when he missteps? No. Kaz knew it deep down, but he had no experience in this territory. Inej had been angry with him a hundred times, Kaz remembered many of them. This was the first time she’d been angry with him when they were lovers as well as friends and business associates.

 

Eleven bells since she’d left. It was ten bells at night. Kaz was certain now that she was not planning to return to him tonight. Kaz didn’t blame her. He also couldn’t concentrate on anything. Kaz would go to her. He had to make this right. Kaz was still reeling somewhere inside himself from her close call with death. He needed her near.

 

It was a magnetic pull in his gut, like gravity. He recalled her story of the Moon and the Sea. Perhaps it was very true after all.

 

Forty minutes later, Kaz was standing on the ground of the Van Eck garden, looking up to the window belonging to Inej’s room. There was dim light coming from behind the sheer curtains.

 

Dirtyhands made the climb to the Wraith, this time.

 

Kaz looked into her window to see Inej cross legged on her bed. Manifests were strewn all around her, a compass on her knee and a map of the true sea before her. She was biting her lip absent mindedly and twisting a strand of her unbound black hair around her fingers as she read a document.

 

Kaz felt his heart crack and mend at the sight. This was Captain Ghafa, Warrior of the Innocent. He’d heard that title on the street once after she’d taken down her second ship. Pride pooled in his chest.

 

Kaz took a breath and knocked on her window with bare knuckles. Inej looked up immediately. She did not hide the surprise in her face, but it quickly transformed into a glare. A glare Kaz did not like to be on the sharp end of.

 

That glare scared him more than her skills with a blade. They were equally as sharp. The wraith was still angry.

 

Inej stood up off her bed and crossed the room to her window. Kaz watched her as she smugly locked it and walked away. Kaz rolled his eyes. She knew he’d pick it, she was making him do it. Inej walked the room back to her bed and Kaz pulled out his picking kit from his jacket.

 

The Wraith was being petty. It was strange to Kaz that he found it so unnervingly attractive.

 

Kaz picked the lock with ease and opened the window, dropping somewhat awkwardly to his feet on top of the plush carpet.

 

“Eighteen seconds, I’ve seen you pick a lock faster.” Inej mused without looking up at him. Kaz released a heavy sigh. Of course she was timing him. Kaz thought he might understand how his impatience made people irritable now.

 

“My apologies, it was unlocked to begin with so I suppose if you wanted me to enter quickly you should have foregone the dramatics, Wraith.” Kaz quipped, letting his hands grip the top of his cane in front of him. Inej let out a huff of breath, it could have been a laugh but Kaz wasn’t sure.

 

“What business, Mr. Brekker?” Inej asked in a cold voice that only reminded Kaz of himself. He did not like it; it was not a good look for Inej. Actually, it was. But not when it was directed toward him.

 

Oh. Kaz got it now.

 

Kaz felt knots tying in his vocal chords, he yanked them apart with courageous hands.

 

“I’m sorry. Mati en sheva yelu.” Kaz’s accent made the words come off as harsh, wrong. But Inej seemed to have understood just fine. She lifted her head immediately with a slight quirk. Inej had scarcely heard an apology from him, and she was the only one who ever had. Inej seemed to be weighing the honesty in his tone with her anger. Her dark eyes traced over his face and Kaz found himself wanting to squirm. He felt raw.

 

“I won’t be treated like everyone else, Kaz. I did that for years with you and I won’t do it again. I want you, all of you. Your thoughts and emotions are included in that and I will not settle for openness only when you deem it acceptable. That’s not what being equals means.” Inej said quietly but with conviction. There was hurt in her voice that Kaz wanted to toss out the window.

 

“I know. I will mess up, Inej. I am not good. I am not perfect. I am not…. I am not what you deserve. But I will fight. It’s what I know how to do. I won’t stop fighting, and I’ll do my best to be victorious.” Kaz let the words fall from his mouth like a collapsing card house.

 

“I know that. I’m not asking for good. I’m not asking for perfection. You are what I deserve, because you are who I want. Do you understand that? Etma se saman means we are equal. You know that. All I want is you, Kaz. What do you want?” Inej whispered, her voice left no room for doubt. Kaz couldn’t stop his legs. He stood in front of her bed and he leaned his cane next to him. Kaz held out his hand to her. Inej looked at his hand for a moment before she took it in her own, he pulled her to her feet. Her eyes looked up to his.

 

“You, Inej. You.” Kaz let the words bleed from his chest, where they had been harbored inside of him for some time. Inej nodded once, a small smile returning to her face. Kaz watched as she wrapped her arms around his middle. He wrapped his own arms around her shoulders, his eyes not leaving hers. Kaz bent his head to her and leaned his forehead against hers. Water traced his ankles, but he felt Inej’s breath hitting his chin. Alive. Inej is alive.

 

Two deep breaths and the water dried. Inej was watching him. This was the closest they’d been to each other since before Inej had been shot. Kaz wanted to kiss her. He wanted to be able to do it so badly. Her lips were right there; their breath was intermingling. Inej seemed to know what he wanted and couldn’t have yet. She did not let her eyes leave his as she tilted her head slightly and pressed a tender kiss to his neck, just below his jawline.

 

 It set his body up in flames, the water threatening to drown him was reduced to mist.

 

Inej smiled when he shivered. Inej knew what she had done to him.

 

“Stay?” Inej asked as she leaned her head into his chest, she was tracing shapes over his lower back with her hands. The feeling was pleasant through his shirt.

 

“Always, if you’ll have me.” Kaz answered honestly. He knew it to be true. He leaned on her, he needed her near. He would survive her voyages with the promise of nights like this with her.

 

Kaz reluctantly let Inej go so she could move her work from the bed.

 

“If Jesper finds out I stayed, there will be no cure for the migraine I’ll have.” Kaz pondered aloud as Inej folded the manifests onto her bedside table. Kaz draped his tie and jacket on the chair. He didn’t mind sleeping in his day clothes as long as it was next to her.

 

“Just tell him our sex life is better than his and he’ll leave you alone to find Wylan and rectify that. Jesper’s ego will work with you if you let it.” Inej chuckled. Kaz couldn’t wait to find out if what she’d said was true. They’d have that life eventually.

 

“Clever, Wraith.” Kaz chuckled. It was only now that they’d resolved their dispute that Kaz noticed. Inej had taken his clothes from the Slat and was wearing them here even when she’d been angry.

 

“I see you looking. They are mine now.” Inej jested with a grin of mischief on her face.

 

“Fine.” Kaz grumbled, but he did not bother to hide the smile on his face.

 

Inej held up the sheets for him as he untied his shoes at her dressing table. Kaz smiled. Inej was wearing his pants and he’d survived sleeping with her beneath the sheets once now. Kaz didn’t hesitate to crawl in the bed beside her.

 

This time, Kaz laid on his back. Inej blew out the candle on her table and turned back to him. Kaz stretched out his arm, he wasn’t done holding her yet. He could do this; they were both fully clothed. It was hug, just… in bed. Kaz had done it in his sleep before Inej had been injured. Now that he knew he could hold her in bed, he’d rather not let her go. Not after the past few days and with the promise of her leaving before the week’s end.

 

Inej raised a brow but burrowed into his side nonetheless. Inej laid her head gently on his chest and Kaz wrapped both arms around her. No skin touched but it was warm. Natural.

 

“Thank you for picking the lock anyways.” Inej said softly, her voice muffled by his shirt. Kaz tightened his arms around his girl and wondered how he’d made it this far.

 

Kaz wanted this, every night, for the rest of his undeserving life.

 

Tomorrow, he’d run the empire he built. He’d be the monster Ketterdam knew and hated. Tonight, tonight he was just Kaz Rietveld. A farm boy who had started out in this city with nothing, but was going to sleep tonight with everything right inside the circle of his arms.

 

 

Chapter 25: The Call of the Sea

Summary:

Inej prepares for her second voyage as Captain Inej Ghafa. Kaz prepares, too.

Notes:

Chapter 25! Guys I am so excited to share this one with you. It really is special to me. I cannot wait for you guys to read it. It's a little more introspective which I think it needed to be and I hope it meets everyone's hopes. This is kind of what I imagine as the end of "ACT 1" for this story, or the first season if it were a show. Don't fret though! I have plenty more coming your way, it is only the beginning. Big things to look forward to on the horizon: The Ghafa's, and maybe a tad bit of our favorite waffle connoisseur, Nina. I'm so excited!

As always, thank you so so much for all of your support. It means everything to me and I can't thank you enough times or tell you how much it warms my heart that you guys seem to like this story.

Please leave me a comment with what you think, this one is special and it would mean the world to me to hear your thoughts! All feedback and advice is welcome and encouraged as well! Thank you!

INEJ

 

            The sea was calling, Inej felt it in her bones. Tomorrow she would be setting sail on her second voyage, much sooner than initially planned. The slave trader who employed Charles Hester and the newly deceased Henrik needed to be stopped, though. Inej would do just that; along with her crew on her little warship that held freedom in its prow.

 

            It had taken some careful work to get word to all the crew members who ventured outside of Ketterdam to see family and friends around Kerch; but with Specht’s assistance, Inej would be sailing with her full crew in tow. She’d spent the last three days agonizingly planning their route in order to best cut off the Slaver vessels and also preparing the ship for another voyage. She’d restocked all food, medical and water supplies they’d need. As far as things went, Inej was even more prepared for her second voyage than her first. Inej had two warring feelings inside her, though.

 

            Inej had to go, her soul demanded it. Her heart would miss home, would miss Kaz.

 

She would also miss the comfort of Jesper and Wylan and all the laughter she found in their house. It was a bitter sweet thing. Inej had barely been able to spend time with any of her favorite people the past few days, Kaz had parlayed with the Liddies and it had proven to be a bloody venture, but Kaz was involved so it was to be expected. He needed the rival gang to know that they would never take down him or the Dregs. It was successful. Inej knew he was also working on something else, she’d seen blue prints on his desk when she’d stopped by after working on her ship the day prior, he’d immediately put them away. Inej hadn’t asked, when Kaz was ready to tell her, he would. Even if it was when she returned.

 

Jesper and Wylan were expanding the Van Eck empire; they had plans to invest in the arts and open a college in the Van Eck name at the University. The project was a large one, but Inej saw Wylan’s eyes sparkle when he spoke of the music program he wanted to incorporate into the Ketterdam University. Jesper had even more success in the market, and was learning to be more cautious. It was a slow thing, but Inej would never tire of the excitement that Jesper exuded when he told Wylan and herself of his success.

 

Inej saw so much progress in all of their lives, and it made her heart feel light every time she thought of it. Inej had her ship. Kaz had his city. Wylan had his empire. Jesper had his own stock portfolio. It was a life Inej had only dreamed for all of them a year ago. Inej hoped Nina was finding this peace too, she wished she could share it with her. Inej had written Kuwei and included a letter for Nina if she were to return to the Little Palace, Inej knew Kuwei would give it to her if he crossed her path again.

 

Inej wrapped her silk around her chest, this was something she’d saved for tonight, her last night in Ketterdam before her second voyage as Captain Inej Ghafa. It was the same style as the silk she’d worn the night of her return, but this was the color of the Sea. It had small aqua gems lining the bodice and it reminded Inej of when the sun hit the water just right. Inej tied her hair back into a low ponytail and she felt strong. This is what it meant to be Suli, she was reminded suddenly. Inej wished she could tell the girl she had been in the Menagerie that she would make it here, to this point in time.

 

You’ll make it. You’ll shed your bruised skin and remind the world what hell looks like when it wears the flesh of a strong woman. You’ll be everything you ever wanted to be; not in spite of the things you’ve endured, but because of them.

 

Inej took one last glance at her reflection, with no fear in her eyes and made her way downstairs for dinner.

 

Inej entered the dining room to see Jesper had actually put on a suit. It was an amethyst color that made his dark skin sing and his iron eyes glitter. Inej smiled.

 

“I cannot believe you are leaving us.” Jesper said, but he smiled regardless.

 

“I know, but who else is going to put slavers down to their watery grave? It’s much better than six feet under, in my opinion. Why not make it a thousand feet under the weight of the True Sea?” Inej said softly. Jesper laughed and pulled her into a hug, Inej did not flinch. Not from pain, and not from her demons. She held on tight.

 

“Can I join the hug?” Wylan said from the doorway of the kitchen. Inej turned her head and was greeted by auburn curls, the bluest eyes she’d ever seen and a suit that reminded her of autumn leaves in September. A deep red with an orange tie. They had dressed up for her going away dinner. Inej wanted to cry, happy tears. Only one person had yet to arrive, she knew he would show, though. Wylan hugged Inej from the back.

 

Inej did not feel close to vanishing despite two boys hugging her fiercely, it was one of the most triumphant moments of her life, she was sure.

 

“If you are done cuddling, I’d like my chance. None of you are invited but Inej.” Stone rasped from somewhere behind their cuddling pile in the middle of the Van Eck dining room. Inej couldn’t hold back her laughter as Jesper and Wylan pulled away from her. Inej turned to see Kaz leaning in the doorway to the living room. He looked a vision in perfectly tailored onyx as always, but Inej noticed one thing was different. Kaz’s tie was a navy blue, not black. She knew it was a testament to the True Sea, for her sake. He’d never tell her, but she understood.

 

“We’re never invited.” Jesper huffed with a mock frown. Kaz rolled his eyes even as he opened his arms to Inej. She didn’t miss his eyes widen at the silk she wore. She’d miss that look. Inej reminded herself once more, this was only a ‘see you later’, not an ending. Perhaps this return to Ketterdam had been her true beginning, after all.

 

Inej had never expected what would bloom in the waste land of these city streets.  

 

Kaz had lied. He said that happiness and safety would never be found with him the night he led her from the Hell that was the Menagerie. How wrong he had been.

 

KAZ

 

            Inej was leaving. Kaz had accepted it, but he didn’t like it. It felt different this time than when she’d left on her maiden voyage. Kaz had convinced himself, that time, that she would not return. No matter what her words had been. Kaz still hoped, his stupid heart hadn’t cooperated, but he’d made the vow to let her go. He’d given her the freedom he promised. Then, on a sunny afternoon, he’d received her letter. It had shaken his world from the core. He didn’t know how they’d gotten here, but he felt like his past self would have rolled his eyes and said “I bet you’re a good man now too?”. Kaz had slept with her in his arms, he’d kissed her cheek, her wrist. She’d kissed his cheek. He’d saved her life and touched his lips to hers. That day in the Geldrenner felt much longer than a year ago.

 

            Kaz could hold her bare hand without thinking about it anymore.

 

            He’d told her everything, she knew his name. His real name.

 

            Somewhere between the dim lights in the Menagerie to the florescent lights of a Fjerdan ice palace to the afternoon sun in his attic window to the moonlight over Ketterdam, Kaz had fallen in love. It had been slow, yet fast. It had been a laugh, a story, a changing of bandages on a bathroom counter and the flip of a coin between his fingers. It had been a gunshot and a handwritten letter. It was all these moments, yet Kaz couldn’t pick just one. Inej made him fall in love during all of them.

 

            Kaz pulled Inej close in the Van Eck dining room and before she left for this voyage, he made a different vow.

 

He wouldn’t let go.

 

            They had dinner, and Kaz laughed freely. When Jesper got hazy on kvas and tried to recant one of Inej’s proverbs. When Wylan had to stop him from opening another bottle. When Inej had told them how her parents referred to Jesper and Wylan as “her sweet otherworldly friends.” It was because Jesper and Wylan were complete opposites in how they looked, her parents thought the two boys were so beautiful together. Wylan had flushed red to his hair line.

 

            Kaz thought he’d been right the first night Inej returned. He’d reevaluate his strict no friends and dinners rule. Jesper and Wylan were his friends and he’d be back before Inej returned.

 

            It was a new normal that Kaz Brekker would have scoffed at a million times over a year prior. He was still what he’d always been, an armored and monstrous demjin. Dirtyhands, the monster who haunted Ketterdam. Now, he was just a monster who enjoyed kvas and conversation with less monstrous individuals.

 

            Dirtyhands had been carved into a legend. Rietveld had died. Kaz Brekker had been born of those two. He was a combination.

 

Kaz didn’t mind being both man and monster.

 

That night, Kaz had watched as Inej said goodbye to Marya, Wylan’s mother. Inej had thanked her for her emblem and Marya had beamed, happy to have done something for her son’s friend. Kaz had forgotten about the emblem, he wondered if he’d see it as she sailed away on her ship in the morning. Kaz would be at the docks. It wasn’t a question this time.

 

When Inej left, he had plans for her months away. He was finishing expansion work on the Crow Club. He had a slightly more competent spider thanks to training with the Wraith, who would help him begin his study on one Tante Heleen. He had a painting he was itching to fence with Jan Van Eck long rotting in prison. He had an apartment building that was architecturally ready for construction, thanks to Wylan.

 

Kaz had decided to cut Jesper a very, very, small stake in the Crow Club. Making Jesper a partial owner, the only other stake holder besides Kaz himself. Jesper had helped save Inej’s life, and while Jesper couldn’t go to the club to play the tables anymore, he was still very much in recovery, Kaz knew Jesper would always be Dregs. If this was the way Kaz could show him how much he appreciated that loyalty, that friendship, so be it. Kaz would leave the proof of ownership documents on Jesper’s desk when he left the mansion tonight. Kaz didn’t need to see his face. Kaz knew what it would mean to Jesper, and Kaz didn’t know how to handle gratitude. He could hardly handle it from Inej.

 

Kaz would share the Club with his living brother.

 

Kaz left the Van Eck Mansion after dinner, he didn’t get far before he felt Inej on the rooftops above his route. Inej had taken her things with her, and she was coming back to the Slat with him. Kaz would have stayed at the mansion with her for her last night on land, he even would have suffered Jesper’s jokes. It had been Inej who had said “I’ll come home with you.” Jesper and Wylan had grumbled but promised to see her off in the morning. Kaz had been pleasantly surprised she wanted to be alone with him.

 

Kaz entered his attic rooms to find Inej already perched on his windowsill, her silks had been traded for her all black ensemble, the mark of the Wraith in every stitch. Kaz wanted to tell her what he’d tried to say for days, but no words came out that night. Even as he laid beside her in bed, he couldn’t force them out. No moment was right. Kaz didn’t think he’d ever believed in a perfect moment for anything, but clearly some part of Rietveld did.

 

I’ll tell her before she leaves. She has to know. In case…. No. She’ll come back. It’s not an option.

 

 

INEJ

 

            The sun glinted off the water in the Harbor as Inej made final checks with Specht, her crew already prepping for their departure. The salt breeze washed over her from the True Sea and Inej felt sunshine in her veins. She felt vengeance in her bones.

 

The Slave Trade should prepare for the storm that was Captain Inej Ghafa.

 

Inej disembarked her ship and walked up the docks for the last time that day, to where Kaz was standing with Jesper and Wylan. So similarly to when she’d returned. She couldn’t wait to leave. She couldn’t wait to come back.

 

“Come back, Wraith.” Jesper smiled when she hugged him, memorizing the gun powder and lemon scent that only said “Jesper”.

 

“Till we meet again, Inej. Bring back new songs for me to memorize.” Wylan said softly, blue eyes shining in the sun. Inej embraced him and remembered how much she’d miss the scratch of his sweaters whenever they hugged.

 

Inej turned to see Kaz poised against the railing, just as he’d been when she returned. Inej smiled and said she’d see Jesper and Wylan when she came back. Inej wanted a moment with Kaz, alone. The docks were deserted this morning at the early hour, her ship the only vessel preparing for departure. Inej was reminded of a morning almost exactly a year prior, when Inej had stood on these docks with Kaz and he’d held her hand, and her heart, for the first time.

 

“I’ll miss you.” Inej said softly as she watched Jesper and Wylan walking hand in hand down the docks, giving them privacy.

 

“Do I have to feed your birds again?” Kaz asked and Inej laughed and bumped his arm with her shoulder.

 

“Yes, of course.” Inej smiled as she gripped the railing in front of her, inhaling the salty air that whipped around her face.

 

“I have something for you.” Kaz said as he stood beside her and reached into his pocket. Inej was surprised, she had something for him as well. Inej was slowly realizing that this was how Kaz knew how to express his affections, he wasn’t much for words. Neither was she. It was actions. Kaz had never let her wonder with his actions even if his words said otherwise.

 

Kaz handed her a small black box that appeared darker in his pale hand. Inej quirked a brow and his eyes said “open it.” Inej didn’t hesitate, she opened the box and felt a rampage of butterfly wings taking flight within her. Inside the box, was a compass. A compass made of the same grisha steel of Kaz’s crow head cane.

 

“I bought it the same day you returned and I didn’t get a chance to give it to you. But I’m glad of it because I added something to it.” Kaz said softly as he looked over the harbor before them. Inej picked up the compass from the box and opened the cover, inside the compass lid was an inscription in silver. It was only two words.

 

Come Home.

 

Inej had felt it all in her eighteen years. She’d felt the truest happiness and the deepest despair. She’d felt pain, heartbreak, hope and humbled. Nothing prepared her for this amount of love.

 

“Thank you.” Inej whispered as she slipped her compass into her pocket, she’d toss the old one into a drawer in her desk on the ship and never touch it again. This new compass would give her aim.

 

“I have something for you too.” Inej remembered, she reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out the small leather notebook she’d bought for him. It was nothing remarkable, but she had an idea. Inej handed it to Kaz and he took it with a quirked brow.

 

“I won’t be gone long enough to stop in ports frequently since it’s only three months, so I doubt I’ll be able to write you, live alone be able to receive a response. But I thought… I thought I could give you this. I have one too. Perhaps we could write each other anyways without the worry of letters being missed or intercepted. Then when I return, I’ll give you mine and you’ll give me yours. That way when I come back, nothing will be forgotten. I’ll read the things you wrote over time that you might have forgotten to tell me months later and you’ll have the same from me.” Inej felt her skin warm, she knew Kaz didn’t like writing much, but maybe this would be different. There would be no danger of their enemies getting ahold of these, they wouldn’t be sending them by post.

 

Kaz was staring at the notebook, his eyes looked concentrated. Like he was figuring out how to handle the small leather book. Inej heard him take a deep breath but he did not speak until a moment later.

 

“I’ll write you of all the things your birds do that annoy me.”

 

Inej laughed and felt the wind on her face, she would come home to him.

 

“Will I see your emblem fly as you depart?” Kaz asked as he looked down the docks toward her ship. Inej smiled.

 

“No, I will not rise my flag till I leave the harbor. Though I suspect you’ll find out what it is soon enough.” Inej whispered. She knew she needed to get going, she could not waste the morning sun or fair winds. Kaz nodded next to her, she could tell he was disappointed, Inej smiled inwardly. He’d be surprised later when he saw it for the first time.

 

“I have to go.” Inej mumbled, gripping the rail tight once before straightening herself. Kaz nodded.

 

“No mourners, Captain Ghafa.” Kaz whispered as he pulled her in for a hug. Inej inhaled his scent.

 

“No funerals, Kaz. Stay alive for me.” Inej mumbled gently as she pulled back from him. Inej looked at him once more before she turned to walk to her ship.

 

“Inej!” Kaz called after her after she’d walked only a few paces away from him. She turned her head back to him and he walked to her. Kaz wasn’t one to say goodbye, so Inej was unsure what more he’d say.

 

Kaz stopped directly in front of her and he took a deep breath as his eyes met hers.

 

“I love you.” He whispered, his dark eyes were void of any armor. She saw it all there. Her heart beat furiously in her chest. Kaz told her he loved her. Inej had known she loved him too, for far longer than she’d care to admit. Inej held his stare.

 

“I’ve already told you I love you. Etma se saman. It’s what the suli use to say we are in love. My spirit has found its match in you. We are equal parts.” Inej whispered, and she saw Kaz’s lips form into the smile with a dimple. “But in Kerch, I love you too, Kaz Rietveld.”

 

 

KAZ

 

            Kaz didn’t even feel the pain in his leg. His body reacted with his heart’s instructions. His mind could go to hell. Kaz kept his eyes on Inej until he tilted his head down and touched his lips to hers, a brief brush, nothing more. But, it was a kiss. It was the first kiss.

 

            Soft. Warm. Alive. The sky. The sea. Inej.

 

            The water threatened, and did not follow through. Inej’s fluttering eyelashes blew it all away. When he opened his eyes, he saw a smile on her face that would surely be his greatest legacy. Inej’s eyes glittered gold in the sunlight and Kaz couldn’t believe he’d done it. He wanted more.

 

            Kaz wanted to remember this feeling every moment until she returned and he could try again.

 

            Kaz Brekker watched as the Wraith pulled out of her dock and started her journey across the Harbor. At almost nineteen years old, Kaz had his first kiss, and it had been with the girl he loved; the girl that he was sure he’d love for the rest of his years, no matter how many or few.

 

            For the first time, he welcomed the whisper of Jordie’s ghost. “Well Done, little brother.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

            Kaz had managed to focus the rest of the afternoon after Inej’s departure, but once he made it to his attic room that night, he couldn’t stop glancing at his window sill. It would be vacant until his wraith’s return. Kaz decided he would write Inej her first letter now, before bed. He sat at his desk and pulled out the little square book. Kaz opened to the first page, intent to start writing, when he saw there was a note in Inej’s script, it was only one line.

 

            Do you remember where we first kept the DeKappel painting?

 

            Kaz racked his brain for a moment at her strange note, then it dawned on him. He’d put it under his bed. Kaz looked across the room to his bed and stood before he could further question Inej’s motives.

 

            Kaz knelt beside his bed with a huff of air when his knee objected. Kaz picked up the sheets, and sure enough, just under his bed was a flat square wrapped in paper. Kaz pulled it out, it felt like a canvas beneath the paper, it was medium sized. About the size of an average portrait. Kaz ripped open the paper to reveal the back of a canvas, with a small note attached inside the grooving. Kaz opened the note first:

 

            Kaz,

 

A new piece of art for you, please don’t throw knives at it or hang it in front of a dart board. Marya worked hard painting this for me.

 

            -Captain Inej Ghafa

 

            Kaz smiled to himself before he flipped the canvas over for the first time. He felt his breath hitch in his throat.

 

            The canvas was all black. Except in the center, there was the silhouette of a girl on a high-wire, she was mid-step. Perched on the other end of the wire, was a crow. It was all in gold.

 

            This was Inej’s emblem. The girl in the sky walking toward her Crow.

 

 

 

 

 

           

 

           

           

 

 

Chapter 26: The Wax Seal

Summary:

Jesper receives an unexpected gift.

Notes:

Chapter 26 (kind of)! This is a bonus chapter, I mentioned in my notes at the end of the last chapter that I viewed that chapter as kind of the end of Season 1 of this story; so consider this the after credits scene. I really hope you guys love it, it's very short but I couldn't help myself from adding it here right after the previous chapter- both of these are very special to me. Hope you love it!

JESPER

 

            The sun was shining, they’d had waffles for breakfast, and they’d said goodbye to the Wraith. Jesper wasn’t sure how his life had become what it had, but he felt like the luckiest son of a bitch to ever walk on this planet.

 

            “I’m going to check on my mother, I’ll be down in a bit and we can go over the missives from the week together?” Wylan asked from beside him as they hung their coats in the hall closet.

 

            “Of course, Merchling.” Jesper smiled when Wylan flushed slightly. It always happened, every time Jesper called him that. He’d never tire of it. Wylan was too cute to not provoke every chance he got. Wylan stood on his toes and pressed a kiss to Jesper’s cheek, but Jesper caught his wrist before he left the room and kissed him in a way that would ensure Marya would surely notice the blush on Wylan’s face still when he made up the stairs to her gallery.

 

            “I’ll, uh, I’ll hurry then.” Wylan said as he straightened his sweater.

 

            Merchling flustered is almost as good as Merchling when he plays music, Jesper decided long ago.

 

            Jesper made his way into the study that was primarily his, Wylan had given it to him when he’d moved in. It wasn’t a large room, but Jesper felt proud every time he took a seat at his desk. Sun was streaming in from the sheer curtains behind his desk and it made the emerald walls just a little brighter. Light glinted off the framed flag of Noyvi Zem that Wylan had gifted to him for his birthday.

 

Jesper loved Wylan for letting him paint the walls whatever color he wished, the world was in color. Why shouldn’t Jesper be in color, too?

 

 

Jesper draped his jacket over his desk chair and sat down, set to start reading the missives for the various companies in the Van Eck name, he’d also recite them to Wylan so they could make decisions together. It was one of his favorite times he spent with Wylan, they would always end up arguing at one point and laughing the next. Jesper felt warmth flood his chest at the thought of the afternoon ahead of them.

 

Jesper flicked his gaze to the desk and noticed something. It was a large envelope with only a “J” on the cover. Jesper had no idea who it could be from so he flipped it over. The seal. A crow in onyx wax. Jesper would recognize the seal anywhere: Kaz Brekker. Jesper hadn’t been in his office since last night before the going away dinner for Inej, he suspected Kaz picked the lock on his door and dropped it off then. Jesper smiled. Kaz and his secrets. Curiosity got the better of him, Jesper ripped open the envelope. He didn’t bother with the letter opener only an arm’s reach away.

 

Inside, there were several documents, but the note on the front was what got Jesper’s attention. In Kaz’s messy scrawl it read:

 

 

 

 

Jes,

 

Once I called you “Jordie” It was in the clock tower of the Geldrenner. I told you the truth, he was someone I trusted. He was my brother. He died long ago. I called you by his name because you were someone I trusted, like my brother. If he was around, I’d share this with him.

 

Instead, I’ll share it with you. You own ten percent of the Crow Club and all of its holdings. I’m the only other owner.

 

Thank you, for helping Inej. I know it was difficult to use your abilities in a forced situation. I won’t forget it.

 K.  Brekker

 

P.S.- You still are not allowed in the club; I’ll kill you if you relapse. Then I’ll bring you back so Wylan can have a go. So on and so forth.

 

 

Jesper couldn’t believe what he read. He scanned the page multiple times. He brought a hand to his mouth, he didn’t even register the tears welling in his eyes. Jordie. Of course Jesper remembered when Kaz had called him that. Jesper didn’t know Kaz had a brother, once. Jesper couldn’t help the disbelieving laugh that escaped from deep inside his chest.

 

Partial owner of the Crow Club. This was going to be interesting.

 

Kaz Brekker had once been someone Jesper wanted to love, in a very different way. Jesper did not mourn those feelings, Wylan was it. Wylan was the gunshot, the ring in his ears that sounded like a choir in a chapel in Noyvi Zem.

 

Jesper lost a potential love, but he gained a brother. He wouldn’t trade it for anything.

 

Chapter 27: Letters For Us

Summary:

Dear Kaz. Dear Inej.

Notes:

Chapter 27! This is a snippet of writings in Kaz and Inej's respective journals of letters to each other while Inej is on her second voyage! Super short but in preparation for "season 2"! I might do a second part of snippets before we actually get rolling on the next part but we shall see! Thank you so so much for all the support. Drop me a comment with any thoughts or feedback! Thanks again!

Inej,

 

It’s been 3 days.  It’s been 15 bells. I won’t lie. I’m supposed to be everything I’ve always been, right? Perfectly fine. Alone. Then why does the bed feel empty without you?I thought there would be a part of me that was relieved, to sleep alone again. After all it’s not like we’ve spent all of our nights together. Only a handful. I’m not relieved. I think I preferred our handful over all the rest.

 

I should tear this page out before I give this book back to you.

 

I won’t.

 

Come home soon.

 

Kaz

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Kaz,

 

The mornings on the ship are one of my favorite things about life at Sea. There’s nothing more invigorating than the sea breeze and the sunrise. The only thing that comes close is waking up to you. I think I’d like to combine those two things someday, if you’ll take a voyage with me. Perhaps if we were to travel to Ravka?

 

I miss you.

 

Yours,

 

Inej

-------------------------------------------------------------

 Dear Inej,

 

Now it has been three days. Today I found out a new dealer at the club was skimming. I let him go myself. I don’t know why I took care of it personally. He has three children. I don’t know why I cared. I let him take the full week’s cut to make sure his family ate. Why? I couldn’t tell you. I also threatened to kill his family if he ever told anyone I’d helped him. Why? Couldn’t tell you that either.

 

I’m unbalanced, Inej. I have to stop thinking of you.

 

I want to kiss you again. I hope I can do it.

 

This journal letter writing is proving to be a terrible experiment and I should only write to you about what pertains to our business together from now on.

 

K. Brekker

 

 

 

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Kaz,

 

Why did you kiss me before I left when I could not relish in it and have another? I hate you.

 

I lied. I love you. I also hate you, shevrati.

 

Yours, Inej

 

------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Inej,

 

The Club did double this week in profit to what it did last year at this time. The Dregs are flush with funds and I poured myself a bourbon and retired to my room early to celebrate, if that’s what you’d call it. I miss you. I hope the sea has been fair to you, it’s been one week since you’ve left.

 

I’m going to Jesper and Wylan’s for dinner tomorrow. We’re playing cards- in a controlled setting with no bets. It’s an experiment to see if Jesper does okay. We will not be playing any of his favorite games just in case.

 

Perhaps Wylan and I will set him up in the corner with a game of solitaire.

 

K. Brekker

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Kaz,

 

I’m on the trail of the first ship now. I’ll land my blade true, I know I will. I feel rage in my bones. Perhaps we are more alike than I ever realized. Maybe Matthias thought me a demjin, too.

 

Wish me luck, mera chaar. (My moon, it’s what you are to me)

 

Captain Inej Ghafa

------------------------------------------------------------------

Inej,

 

I drank too muchright alongside Jesper and Wylan.

 

I love you. Etma se saman.

 

I miss you.

 

I had fun tonight. Why? Because I’ve never done this before. It’s only strange. I went with no agenda. How do I have friends and why do I like it? Jesper didn’t even say anything about the Club and I couldn’t be more grateful to have avoided that awkward conversation.

 

Oh, you don’t know about that yet.

 

I’ll tell you when I’m less drunk.

 

Can I kiss you when you return?

 

Yours,

Kaz Rietveld Brekker

--------------------------------------------------------------

Kaz,

 

I did it. The slave ship is sinking as I write this.

 

I got stabbed, but I’m fine. It was a shallow wound. Not even a close thing.

 

On to the next.

 

It’s been one week and three days since you kissed me.

 

-Inej

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr. Brekker,

 

I have a bone to pick with you. (Is that the correct kerch phrasing? I don’t know. My mind is hazy. Rum and waves will do that to you. I am the shevrati.)

 

You kissed me at the last possible moment, and completely ruined my concentration. How rude, you do not have manners. You even warned me that crows never do.

 

Shevrati.

 

Se mera taa shalen   Kerch. Right.

 

I’m so angry I could throttle you. Or kiss you. I’d settle for either.

 

-Captain Inej Ghafa

 

It’s been one week and six days since I left.

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Inej.

 

I’m not even going to bother to look at what I wrote the night I came home from Jesper’s and Wylan’s. Perhaps I can go buy another of these books somewhere and burn this one entirely and start over.

 

I won’t because you’d know.

 

I hung your emblem above the bed. No knives or dart boards in site.

 

I love you.

 

Kaz

----------------------------------------------------

Dear Kaz,

 

I think the next ship has stolen people on board. They must have moved up their shore venture to try and out-pace me.

 

They will not.

 

I love you, and I practiced with my coin today. I almost have it. Maybe when I see you next, I shall be better than you at it.

 

Doubtful.

 

Sweet Dreams, mera chaar.

 

-Inej

 

PS- Tell my crows I miss them.

 

 

           

 

 

 

 

           

 

           

Chapter 28: Letters For Us (Part 2)

Summary:

Dear Kaz. Dear Inej.

Notes:

Chapter 28! A continuation of the interlude, more snippets of letters in Kaz and Inej's respective journals. Next part will be the start of "season 2"! I'm so excited and thank you so so much for all of the support. Comment with any thoughts or feelings as per usual! Thank you and Happy New Year! Hope it's great and better than the last for each of you.

Inej,

 

The Razorgulls just won’t stop. They tried encroaching onto our portion of the docks again. I fear for them, Inej. My rage is just about ready to be unchained. I will attempt once more to parlay. I do not think it will be a pleasant affair. For them, I mean. I could care less. It’ll be pleasant enough for the Dregs and myself either way, as long as they learn what territory lines mean.

 

Roeder has spied on Tante Heleen. Nothing much to note yet, but she no longer frequents Charles Hester’s estate. It seems I was correct, she had no genuine affection for the man.

 

On the subject of Hester, it seems someone has bought out a fair share of his legal business holdings in the stocks. Someone by the name of Rietveld. Such a strange and unfortunate turn of business for him. Isn’t it odd? I suspect the banks will withhold lending large sums to rectify the situation since the scandal broke of his involvement with the Pleasure houses in the papers this past Tuesday. He truly should have worn a comedie brute mask when frequenting. How arrogant.

 

We must have a moment of silence for him in light of his misfortune, soon. Preferably with blood sliding down a blade as our background music? My birthday is January ninth, this is my only wish, Inej. Please, allow me to have it. Or let me watch you take his life. I’d like nothing more.

 

I fear that may have been a mistake, telling you my birthday. Hopefully your people do not celebrate them. That would be a very nice tradition that I’d love to embrace; unless it involves Hester falling dead on the cobblestones.

 

I fed Kaz Pecker today. He ate from my hand and I hated it. I don’t know why I tried to get him to do it. The rest of the winged rats cawed happily. I hope my namesake crow is their leader.

 

They miss you, darling.

 

Kaz

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

Kaz,

 

I DID IT! The coin did not fall! It did every other time I tried to replicate it, but I don’t care! I did it!

 

Who said liquor inhibits one’s hand-eye coordination? They were wrong.

 

Etma se saman, Kaz.

 

Only yours, The wraith

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear Kaz,

 

Tomorrow I strike on the second ship. A vessel called “Serendipity”. I do feel quite serendipitous to have caught up. The winds have been kind. We are mere leagues behind them based on the route they would have taken from port. I’m eager to free those poor people. Nothing is quite as awful as the hold of a Slaver’s ship. Tight packed. Awful smell. Nothing… nothing bright. It exudes only two things: despair and fear. Specht and Quin (my third in command, she is a kaelish woman whose wife, Mira, is also our medic) are optimistic. We spent all afternoon while the waters were calm planning our strike.

 

Speaking of, I’d like you to meet my crew sometime. Would that interest you? I hope so. They know I have someone I go home to. None of my crew besides Specht are from Ketterdam, so I hope that soothes your nerves and rage that they know I have someone. They are loyal, Kaz. As devoted to this cause as I am. I could not keep it from them if I wished to, I spend half the year on a vessel that is not terribly large with them.

 

Quin, like I said, is kaelish. She is the product of a purchased indenture. Her mother was stolen and sold to a Kerch man many years ago. The man, married her mother. It’s an awful story. Quin was born of that union, her mother died in birth. She has every devotion to this cause as I, I met her as she infiltrated the second vessel I took down on our maiden voyage. She had posed as crew to try and help those people. Needless to say, she joined the crew of The Wraith. Her wife, Mira, is new. Quin only brought her aboard for this second voyage. I like them both very much and it brings me peace to have a trained medic in our midst.

 

I could go on all night and use every page in this journal. I will not, you’ll have to meet them yourself.

 

I wish I could inquire as to how Jesper and Wylan are faring. I miss you all. It is my least favorite part of life on the Sea. I think of Nina often, too. I wish we knew how she was.

 

I need to sleep, but I’ll surely think of you more when I wake.

 

I love you, Kaz Elias Rietveld.

 

Saints speed in all you do, Kaz. I’ll see you soon.

 

Fondly, Inej Ghafa

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Inej,

 

The Razorgulls have surely learned their lesson, much to my contentment. It was… uneventful. At least no more eventful than a parlay including myself normally is. I missed your presence above me amongst your rooftops.

 

Jesper and Wylan miss you, I had coffee with Wylan today. He is helping me with a project, you see. Nothing more.

 

I hope the sea is treating you well. It has been one month since you’ve left. It hasn’t gotten easier. I thought it would by now. It has been as much time with you away as it was with you here, somehow it feels as if it’s been much longer with you away.

 

Stay alive and righteous, Captain Ghafa. Your crows mourn your company.

 

So do I.

 

Sincerely,

 

Kaz Brekker

 

---------------------------------------------

 

Inej,

 

I ran out of bread and the crows won’t shut up. I’m going to the bakery at eleven bells at night for no reason other than to appease your ridiculous murder.

 

You are welcome. I hope this counts as a life debt.

 

Kaz

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

Kaz,

 

It’s been two weeks since I’ve been able to pick this journal up. My heart is breaking, and I wish nothing more than to crawl through your window and curl up beside you. I want to be at home. I… I haven’t been able to write because it meant facing what happened.

 

The “Serendipity” caught wind of our shadowing them. Whomever the Captain was, seemed to think I’d make them hang. They killed the innocent people on board before I got there. They seemed to think their own lives outside of a prison cell was worth more than those children and women they murdered. The captain’s last words were “A small setback, but we’ll grab more product eventually.”  I stabbed him in the back with Sankta Lizabeta. He bled out slowly. He and his crew had not known I’d gotten aboard in the night.

 

They are dead. It didn’t bring those innocent souls back.

 

I failed, Kaz.

 

How do I live with this shame? I knew I would not always be victorious. I knew that. But I… I didn’t expect how it would feel. I must keep going, there is one ship yet listed in my stolen manifests. I must get there in time.

 

Kiss me until I forget this pain. Hold me together, Kaz.

 

I miss you. I wish you were here.

 

-Inej

 

 

 

 

 

             

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 29: A Thief

Summary:

A battle at Sea, and a reunion.

Notes:

Chapter 29!!!! Okay guys, we're here! The start of what I imagine to be "season 2" of this story! I am so excited to share this with you, it's a little more angsty, so fair warning, but I promise lighter stuff to follow! I hope you guys are excited for what is to come! Thank you so much for every comment, kudos and read. Every piece of support means everything to me. Please leave me a comment with what you think and any feedback in general!

 

KAZ

 

            Two months, 22 days, eight bells. Inej would be back any day now. Kaz knew he would not be able to gage which day accurately due to the fact she had not stopped in port to write himself or Jesper and Wylan of her planned return date. Kaz opened the book of letters for Inej on his desk in his attic rooms. He flipped to the next fresh page and wrote:

 

Inej,

 

Any day now. Hurry home.

 

Kaz

 

            Kaz ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath with a glance at the window sill. A dusting of snow was covering the ledge outside, the white canvas marred only by tiny crow footprints. He missed her. He wanted to kiss Inej senseless, even if he didn’t think he could quite manage that yet. He hoped he had not been set back in his progress with touch in her time away. Kaz hadn’t exactly practiced, but every time he’d been around Jesper and Wylan, he’d left his hands bare. It was a small thing, but he’d been fine even without Inej beside him. Every night, he’d imagined her hand in his, to try and keep the memory fresh. Kaz wasn’t sure he’d have even needed to do that, he craved her touch daily. It had become something comforting, even her touches over clothing. Kaz hadn’t been able to be close to another human being since Jordie had died, he felt starved for it now. Only with Inej though. The rest of the world could stay the fuck away as far as he was concerned.

 

In just her month on land, they had accomplished so much together.

 

            How much more will we accomplish upon her return? Work? Yes, of course. But, I’m more interested in the rest. The moments alone. Would it be too forward to ask her to stay with me instead of at the Van Eck mansion? Is it unreasonably soon for that?

 

            Kaz turned his gaze to the emblem hanging above his bed, he smiled to himself. Inej was returning. These three months had felt double the length of her maiden voyage, because he had reason to hope. They were committed. Each other’s home. Equals.

 

Kaz shrugged on his blazer and flicked up his cane. It was time to get down to his office, surely there were missives already waiting for him. Anika had been tasked with organizing the Club shift schedules for the week ahead, and Kaz needed to look over her work and make any necessary adjustments. He needed to check how his newly acquired stocks in the Rietveld name were faring.

 

            A to-do list that felt like busy work until he could check off items on his real list. Number one: kiss Inej. Number two: spend time with Inej. Number three: work with Inej and take down all the bastards in this city who had wronged them.

 

            Kaz made it down to his office to find Roeder leaning against his locked office door.

 

            “Morning, Boss.” Roeder mumbled, flicking shaggy brown hair off his face. Kaz only unlocked his door in response, clearly Roeder had found something to report if he wasn’t still sleeping off an uneventful recon night.

 

            “What do you have for me?” Kaz asked as he limped to his desk and settled into his chair, noting the ever expanding pile of paperwork that would garner his attention this afternoon.

 

            “I intercepted a letter from Charles Hester to Tante Heleen that I thought you might be interested in.” Roeder said, as he dropped an envelope on Kaz’s desk and sat down across from him.

 

            Kaz was interested indeed. Besides a miserably pathetic letter to his now estranged wife who had moved to the countryside, Charles Hester was rarely corresponding these days. A collapsed life could do that to a man. Kaz smiled internally as he picked up the letter. He scanned the page to find that Charles Hester had promised Tante Heleen his allegiances and a sure up-turn in his business ventures. It wasn’t until Kaz got farther into the letter that he finally found why Roeder had deemed this important. Kaz saw red when he read the lines.

 

            Heleen, I can assure you a new opportunity to replenish your lovely house of exotics. My employer in the trade has assured me that the blasted pirate hunting his routes will be exterminated before the month’s end. He almost let go of my involvement when my home was burglarized, but it seems he’s decided to give me another chance once I told him I could ensure a partnership with you as well as Ellen Vask from the Vixen’s Garden. Surely, even if you no longer wish to continue our fun (much to my internal and physical dismay), you’ll at least see reason in the promise of financial prosperity for the Menagerie in the acceptance of this partnership. Of course, a portion of profit from the new product will need to be paid to my employer, but it will be more than worth your while.

 

            Write me and let me know when we should meet to speak of specifics. I hold my breath on your every word.

 

Kaz would tear Charles Hester limb from limb and smile over the pieces. He’d do far worse to Tante Heleen. No. He’d let Inej decide their fates. It was not Kaz’s vengeance to bestow. Kaz had to believe Inej would be safe, despite this mysterious slave trade boss hunting her down. Kaz wished she were here for at least the third time that morning.

 

“That will be all. This is good work.” Kaz mumbled to Roeder. Roeder inclined his head and made his way out of Kaz’s office. Kaz couldn’t deny the fact that it was useful that Roeder and the other most trusted Dregs knew of his involvement with Inej beyond the business scope. They were looking out for her even more now.

 

Kaz needed to find out who this Slave trade employer was. Kaz suspected he did not reside in Ketterdam, since he’d sent the man Henrik as his messenger the night Inej had been shot. He wondered if Inej had discovered the employer’s identity on her voyage. Perhaps one of the vessels she was targeting had led to new information. Kaz had no other option currently but to continue sending Roeder on recon when he could spare him and await Inej’s return. They’d make a plan for a new course of action together.

 

This was a job for both Dirtyhands and the Wraith.

 

Kaz picked up the first missive in his pile of papers and set to work, Inej would be back soon, he told himself.

 

INEJ (Two days prior)

 

            “DROP AND BLOW THE CANNONS! WE NEED TO SINK HER!” Inej shouted, blood was coating the hilts of her blades making them slippery in her grasp. Sweat beaded down her forehead. Inej could not let her ship fall. There were too many souls counting on her. The antagonistic ship had appeared from nowhere on their way back to Ketterdam. The moonlight and lanterns normally gave the deck of the Wraith a warm glow. Now it felt ominous in the midst of gunfire and bloodshed.  

 

Inej had succeeded in taking down the third ship listed in her stolen manifests, “The Fair Play”. Inej had rescued five girls who’d been taken from Noyvi Zem as well as a boy. They were no older than fourteen. Inej couldn’t let them fall back into Slavers hands now, nor could she let them die along with her crew. Inej had too much work to do to welcome death now.

 

Inej was supposed to be home with Kaz in under a week’s time. Death would have to wait for Inej Ghafa.

 

            Inej mouthed the names of the saints as she felled a man climbing over the rail of her ship. The opposing crew must have gotten a rope or plank attached to cross between boats. Inej had to stop the infiltration, they had to sink the attacking vessel.  She spotted the rope tied to a lantern post and started to clear a path along the taffrail of her ship.

 

            In Inej’s wake there was only blood.

 

            “Specht! Take the Helm and veer us outward!” Inej bellowed, hoping her first mate would hear her in the midst of the chaos. Inej spied Greer, a kerch girl only a year older than herself, firing her pistols with almost as much precision as Jesper. The deck of the Wraith was a battlefield. The enemy ship was pointing cannons now; they’d wanted to recover the stolen people but they’d settle for sinking Inej’s ship to the bottom of the True Sea. Inej saw it clearly in the upturn of their cannons.

 

Inej had to fire first.

 

Inej sank Sankt Petyr in the jugular of a burly man guarding the rope allowing passage on the starboard side of Inej’s ship. Inej cut the rope and it fell to the waves below, two rival bodies mid journey across dropped with it. Inej hazily noted she could no longer see the color of her skin beneath the crimson on her hands.

 

Inej turned to find several of her crew battling along the sides of the rail with the remaining oppositional men. This would be a close thing. Or the end. Inej would not give up.

 

Saints, hear me now. Lend me strength and wisdom. Let me sail home. Let me sail these brave souls to their own home.

 

“Ready Captain!” Specht’s baritone voice rang in her ears. Inej didn’t hesitate to give the order.

 

“FIRE!” She shouted as loud as she could, willing her voice to carry to those manning the cannons.

 

The thunder of cannons and the lightning of gunpowder filled her corner of the True Sea.

 

KAZ

 

            The afternoon light was fading as Kaz entered the Van Eck mansion sometime after six bells. It had been two months and twenty-four days since Inej left. Kaz was eager for her return to say the least. Kaz was also looking forward to the night, Jesper and Wylan had invited him for dinner and to show him the blueprints for the building that would be built to serve as a college at the University in the Van Eck name. Kaz wouldn’t even be able to convince his past self that he was doing this now; going to see friends just to see them. Just to enjoy himself and drink bourbon and joke around. It was something new that was becoming normal.         

 

Kaz didn’t find he’d trade this new life for a moment of his previous isolation.

 

Kaz let the maid take his coat once he entered the house and spotted Wylan sitting on the sofa in the living room to his right. A fire cracked in the hearth, blasting Kaz’s face with a pleasant heat after the walk in the light snowfall.

 

“Hey, come here and tell me if you think this makes sense.” Wylan said in greeting, his head not looking up from the blue prints in front of him. Kaz was still surprised every time Wylan asked his opinion on something- it felt like a respect that was earned. A respect that was earned without a drop of violence; instead it had been earned through friendship and comradery. Kaz still didn’t understand fully how it had happened.

 

“Wylan, I know nothing of architecture. I know my talents and they are very different than yours.” Kaz grumbled but he found himself walking to look over Wylan’s shoulder anyways.

 

“I just need fresh eyes. I don’t care that you don’t know the precise measurements or the full picture. I just need someone else to look at it and see if it flows right.” Wylan said as he adjusted a line with a ruler in front of him on the page, smudging graphite onto his pale blue sleeve. Kaz had learned that “flow” related to the layout of a building, if it felt natural if you were to walk into it. Kaz couldn’t say it was especially useful knowledge in his line of work, but Wylan constantly taught him new things about music and architecture.

 

If Kaz was honest, it made him pleasantly surprised every time Wylan spoke with confidence about his career and abilities. Kaz remembered the conversation he’d had with Wylan in this very house in front of Jan Van Eck’s safe.

 

Wylan had taken Kaz’s advice, he had not let his disability slow him down.

 

Kaz inspected the blue prints and gave Wylan some suggestions before he followed the ginger boy into the dining room where Jesper was already nursing a drink and looking over the financial section of the post.

 

“Del Meran stocks have gone up in value,” Jesper said with a grin in Kaz’s direction. Kaz had given Jesper advice to buy stake in that particular jurda distributor a few weeks prior. Kaz managed a smile back, Kaz was pleased his advice had done Jesper some good. Kaz had particularly good information on that company’s successes and failures due to the fact that the owner of Del Meran frequented the tables at the Crow Club. Kaz had dealt three-man bramble on a night the owner had been there; he’d been six drinks deep and sharing trade secrets and upcoming promises of success with Kaz as if they were a bowl of sweets. Kaz had listened intently and fed the information to Jesper without a second thought.

 

Soon, Kaz joined Jesper and Wylan at the table for dinner and lost himself in a conversation about the plans for the new college and the upcoming construction. It wasn’t until after dinner, drinking in the living room hours later, that Kaz felt her. He thought he was wrong, but that electric buzz in his bones and ring in his ears told him otherwise. Kaz flicked his eyes to the door of the mansion as Wylan and Jesper continued talking. Nothing happened. Kaz shook his head and tried to refocus on the conversation, convincing himself that it was just because he wanted to feel her near.

 

A voice roared viciously inside him, telling him that he hadn’t felt her at all since she left. He hadn’t been wrong once. Inej was here.  

 

A moment later, the front door of the Van Eck mansion opened. There had been no knock. Kaz’s head shot up the moment the handle had turned, along with Jesper and Wylan. Whoever it was had a key.

 

Inej.

 

INEJ

 

            Inej didn’t even know how she’d gotten here. She barely remembered traversing the rooftops, heading to the Slat first only to find the attic empty of Kaz. Inej had only one other place she could fall apart and she immediately set her sights on the Van Eck mansion. She’d pulled into berth twenty-two and had jumped down to the docks, not even bothering to wait for the gangplank to lower; she hadn’t taken her things either. Inej hadn’t even thought of it. Specht would handle the remainder of the chores to prepare the ship to stay put in port, as well as arrange passage for the stolen girls and boy they’d rescued to get home. Specht promised her that he’d reiterate for the crew to remain in Ketterdam until they could lay their fallen brethren to rest the next day, even if it was to the Reaper’s barge and not a true grave.  

 

Inej had thanked every standing member of her crew over the last two hours of her journey into the Ketterdam harbor. She’d lost three crew members in the fight against “The Gilded Crown”. The vessel who had attacked her ship in the dead of night. Inej hadn’t been able to hold it together any longer once they’d made it into port. Tears that had been harbored in her eyes were going to break through. Inej had held it together ever since she’d failed in saving the innocent stolen people on the second ship she’d targeted this voyage. Inej had held it all in, she’d stayed strong. She’d stayed the Captain for all those who relied on her. Once the Ketterdam skyline had come into view, Inej had felt something in her chest crack wide open. She needed Kaz. Jesper. Wylan. Her people.

 

Losing crew members had twisted the blade in her already bleeding heart. The dam was going to shatter.

 

Inej opened the door of the Van Eck mansion with her key, Inej hadn’t even wanted to make the climb to her room here. The rooftops had proven exhausting enough. Inej hadn’t slept since the fight on the sea, she’d taken over the fallen crew members duties, stood watch, helped nurse the wounded. It was the least she could do in the wake of such a loss and in the face of the devotion and bravery she’d witnessed from her crew. Inej turned and found Jesper, Wylan and Kaz in the living room. She hadn’t expected this mercy from the saints, that they’d all be here.

 

Kaz. Kaz. Kaz. Thank you, saints. He’s here. He’s here.

 

“Inej.” Kaz’s voice of stone rang in her ears and embraced her aching heart. It broke the last remaining barrier in her chest, she was falling apart in the span of a single heartbeat.

 

Inej was vaguely aware of the tears already rolling down her cheeks. Kaz stood up immediately and at the sight of his perfect suit and harsh lines, Inej couldn’t stop her feet from moving. She dropped her key to the ground, a clatter of metal on marble tile. She dimly recognized that Kaz could have been set back with touch in her time away, but she couldn’t stop. Inej needed him. Now.  

 

Inej ran across the living room and Kaz barely had time to open his arms before she jumped, her arms wrapped around his neck. Inej inhaled the smoky sweetness of him and she felt the sob in her chest break free. Inej hadn’t even realized her feet had left the ground. Kaz was holding her up, her legs wrapped around his middle. Inej knew Jesper and Wylan had both said something, but Inej couldn’t understand them over the crunch of bone cracking in her chest. Kaz hadn’t so much as flinched. Inej hadn’t touched his skin, though. Her sleeves on her arms around his neck protected him.

 

“Inej, love, I’m here.” Kaz’s whispered in her ear, warm breath tickling her skin. Inej gripped tighter. Inej couldn’t face the world yet. Inej wanted to stay right where she was, home. Inej felt his hand rubbing her lower back, comforting her. She wouldn’t realize until later that her shirt had ridden up slightly, and he’d rubbed her back bare handed. Skin to skin. Inej felt tired. She felt burnt out. Inej knew she needed sleep, her exhaustion had only made her emotions less reined in. She didn’t know how long she cried into his chest before she heard him speak.

 

“I’m staying here tonight.” Kaz rasped over Inej’s shoulder to their friends, she felt relief wash over her with those few words. Inej needed to look at Jesper and Wylan, she knew she’d scared them. Inej was never this way, Inej was private, Inej was strong. She couldn’t bring herself to care in this moment after the past few days, weeks. Inej reluctantly let Kaz set her back to her feet, disentangling her legs from his waist.

 

“I- I am sorry. I need to sleep. I will explain I just- I just need to sleep and then I’ll talk.” Inej’s voice came out scratchy, broken. Jesper and Wylan were both looking at her with worry in their eyes.

 

“Of course, Inej. Whatever happened, you’re here now.” Wylan was the first to speak, he grabbed her hand and placed his other one over top of hers. Inej managed to squeeze his hand gently before letting go. Jesper walked to her and pulled her into another hug. Inej felt like she was going to cry again when his purple clad arms circled around her.

 

This is what she had needed. She just needed them. All of them. Thank you, Saints.

 

“Wraith, you scared the hell out of us. If I need to go shoot some people, I will.” Jesper placed a kiss on the top of her head. Inej snorted a small laugh when he pulled away, wiping furiously at her still wet eyes. Inej felt Kaz’s arm at her waist, she leaned into his strength. She could feel the tangible energy of unanswered questions in the air, but Inej felt like she was going to drop to the ground in exhaustion.

 

“Bed?” Kaz looked down at her now, his brown eyes laced with concern and something like relief. Inej knew the feeling. Inej had missed him terribly; these months had felt much too long in the after math of her month on land. Kaz tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear sending a warm flutter through her. Inej knew she probably looked as disheveled as she felt, she’d not even changed her clothes in at least twenty-four hours; not touched her hair in even longer. Her boots were covered in blood and sea grime.

 

She needed a bath, food, sleep and Kaz. That was all Inej wanted in that moment.

 

Inej nodded. It was about all she could muster. Everything else she had left had fallen out of her eyes onto Kaz’s shirt moments ago. Inej let Kaz lead her away from the living room, he’d picked up his cane somewhere but Inej’s vision was blurry from tears and exhaustion. Inej barely managed to work her mouth into a goodnight to Jesper and Wylan.

 

Inej would face it all tomorrow, tonight she’d let Kaz lend her the strength to make it through. She saw it in his face as they walked up the stairs toward her room. They didn’t need words. His eyes said “Let me hold it all for now.”

 

So, Inej Ghafa handed over the pieces of her shattered heart, knowing there was no one who could protect her broken treasure better than a thief. 

Chapter 30: The Lighthouse

Summary:

A kiss.

Notes:

Chapter 30! Yay! This one is all Kaz's perspective, I hope you guys love it! Please forgive any errors in this one, I had less time to revise so I hope you forgive me. I still hope it lives up to expectations! Thank you so much to everyone who continues to read this story and support it. Your comments literally make my whole day and inspire me so much, as well as every kudos and read. Thank you a million times over. As always, drop me a comment with what you thought and with any feedback or advice! Thanks again!

PS- There is some mentions of Inej's trauma implied here, just a quick warning in case anyone needs it. I try and remember to put those here.

KAZ

 

            The door to Inej’s room swung open before Kaz, he gestured for Inej to go first. Kaz was worried as he watched Inej’s shoulders droop the moment she entered the confines of the room, like holding them up had grown to be a burden. He felt like someone had punched him in the gut with brass knuckles. Inej had cried the moment she’d seen him, he’d seen Inej cry only twice and he had no idea what happened. It had to be something horrific to knock the wraith off her metaphorical balance. Inej had launched into his arms, her body had wrapped around his like a vice- he didn’t mind. He’d happily hold her like that whenever she wanted now that he knew he could do it; but he hated it was under these circumstances.

 

            Kaz wanted to rip someone apart for this; preferably whoever had made his girl sob in his arms upon returning to him. She’d left with a smile, he’d wanted her returned safe and sound from the sea with a smile as well.

 

            “I need a bath. I’m disgusting, I’m sure.” Inej’s voice barely reached his ears she whispered so quietly. Kaz disagreed. Inej was dangerous. Beautiful. Strong. Perhaps a little low on the shiny boots scale currently, but he could care less. He understood though. If Inej went to sleep in her current state, it might make her feel worse when she woke.

 

            “Bath or shower? I’ll start the water.” Kaz rasped as he leaned his cane against the wall and locked the door behind them. He knew Jesper and Wylan would respect their privacy; but Kaz didn’t want one of the maids or servants walking in unaware the room was now occupied again. Kaz had a feeling he was the only exception, the only person Inej wanted here right now. It was a realization that warmed his chest despite the dreary atmosphere. Inej was his exception in many ways, and it was an odd yet wonderful feeling to realize he was hers as well.

 

            “Bath, please. Thank you.” Inej said softly, she sat down at her dressing table and began unlacing her boots. Kaz stopped as he walked by her to lean down and press a kiss to the hair on the top of her head. It was a motion he hadn’t even thought about. Inej had looked up with the smallest smile he’d ever seen from her-but it was enough. It was everything.

 

            Kaz entered the bathroom off her room and got hot water going to fill her bathtub, he found the fancy soap Inej always joked about that Wylan bought her and added it to the water. Kaz pulled towels down from the shelf in the small cabinet and folded them over the side of the tub for her. He almost laughed, the bathtub was a monstrosity compared to the size of Inej.

 

            Ah, Van Eck money.

 

            Kaz exited the bathroom to find Inej digging through drawers in the wardrobe, coming up empty handed. She let out a frustrated laugh.

 

            Inej needed sleep. Kaz knew how to recognize the signs of near collapse, he’d pushed himself to this point too many times to count.

 

            “What are you looking for?” Kaz asked as he walked toward her.

 

            “I have nothing here to wear. I brought nothing with me from the damn ship because I just- I couldn’t- I thought I left my fucking robe here.” Inej sounded like she was close to tears, stumbling over words. Inej was cursing like a true pirate- she definitely needed sleep. This was a moment he’d experienced before, granted these moments for him ended in bloodshed, not tears shed. It was the moment the last thing went wrong and you were exhausted; the last card that collapsed the house, no matter how small and light.

 

            “Wylan probably had it laundered for you and hadn’t gotten them to bring it back yet. You can have my shirt.” Kaz said as he gently grabbed her hands from the drawer handle she was still clutching with white knuckles.

 

            “What about being next to me? That’s less protective layers and I want you to be able to be next to me if- if you can.” Inej grimaced as she fumbled with a stray string on her very blood stained tunic, avoiding his eyes.

 

            “I’ll manage.” Kaz raised a hand and tilted her chin up with a tender touch of a finger. He wanted her to look at him, hear him.

 

            Inej’s eyes met his finally; there were red rims surrounding them, a darkness that had nothing to do with color weighed heavily in her irises.

 

Kaz hated it. He wanted to commit heinous crimes and murder whoever or whatever had put this weight on her strong shoulders.

 

“Come on, don’t want your water to get cold.” Kaz said without dropping the firm hold he had on her eyes. Inej sighed but nodded. Kaz took her hand in his and pressed a kiss to her knuckles, he felt the revulsion, a brief vivid flash of bloated skin. He took a deep breath as Inej walked toward the bathroom. He beat it down. Waist. Knees. Ankles. Gone. Kaz knew he could do this, he had to. For her. Overall, Kaz was pleasantly surprised he’d felt no sickness until he dared to kiss her hand. He’d been able to rub her bare back, take her hand in his, kiss her hair. Most of their progress had stuck.

 

It was a flickering flame in the dark for Kaz. Hope. That’s what it was.

 

            Kaz stripped off his jacket and tie, draping them on her chair before sitting and removing his shoes. Kaz would sleep on top of the covers tonight, he didn’t want to tempt his demons. Inej would be bare legged, he would be shirtless. It was the least amount of clothing they’d ever worn to sleep next to each other. If Kaz had a religion, he just might get on his knees and pray that he was able to do this without incident or nightmare.

 

Inej needed him, he’d be there. It was the promise he’d made to himself. The deal is the deal.

 

Kaz waited and heard a soft splash as Inej got into the water, she’d left the door cracked very slightly. Presumably so she’d hear him if he said anything, but Kaz knew she’d prefer the quiet. Kaz would too.

 

What had happened? Her ship was clearly still afloat; she’d said she left her things on board. Kaz was desperate to know what had happened, but he wouldn’t push her. If she wanted to tell him tonight, she would. If she didn’t, he’d wait. He was just thrilled she was back here with him where he could be there for her. Kaz was grateful he’d spent all afternoon catching up on work for the Club and planning for a new job pertaining to jewels the Dregs were going to lift from a new-money mercher. He was caught up and had no reason to leave Inej until tomorrow, when and if she was ready to be alone. Kaz would accept her company back at the Slat though, if she wished.

 

He damn well wanted her there.

 

Inej came back for a second time, to him. If her Saints were real, maybe they did have kindness in their holy ways. Kaz didn’t have a deity to thank nor did he want one, but if he had, he’d have paid them gratitude a thousand times over for Inej.

 

Kaz sat and waited on the bed, his shirt was already off, waiting for Inej beside him. He’d almost asked if she wanted him to bring it to her, but he didn’t know if she’d be alright with that, even if he’d see nothing of her body below the sudsy water.

 

“Kaz?” Inej asked softly from the bathroom.

 

“Yes?” Kaz rasped.

 

“Can you bring the hair brush from the dresser?” Inej asked, her voice sounded like she was damn near asleep already. Kaz took a steeling breath as he flicked his gaze to the brush in question across from him on her dresser. He’d see nothing of her naked body, he didn’t want to right now. Well, of course his body wanted him to. His mind did not. He did not want Inej to feel uncomfortable now. Though, Kaz realized, this was her way of telling him she was okay with him coming in, that she wouldn’t vanish. This was intimate in a different way that had nothing to do with actual bare skin. It was Inej trusting him to be in the same room with her completely bare, not a stitch of clothing to speak of.  She knew he would not treat her as every other man in the Menagerie had in that state. Kaz stood and picked up the brush and made his way to the bathroom.

 

Kaz kept his eyes trained on the brush as he opened the door. He placed it on the counter gently, his head turned away from the tub. Inej deserved her privacy. He was surprised when she spoke.

 

“You can look, I’m decent. Or- no I’m not, but I’m covered.” Inej said softly. Kaz swallowed but he couldn’t stop his head from turning.

 

Inej. Inej… naked. But under so many bubbles it looked as though there was a pile of snow on top of her bath water, from her collarbones down, Kaz saw nothing but suds. Kaz desperately tried to ignore the first thought. His body did not need to react to this now.

 

“Thank you.” Inej whispered, something in her voice made all his thoughts stop. Inej was looking at him as she wringed her hair out into the water. He had no idea what she was thankful for.

 

“For what?” Kaz asked, his eyes locked on her face.

 

“For not looking until I asked you or until I showed you. It was never like that for me… when I was there.” Inej mumbled. Kaz knew what “there” meant. The Menagerie.

 

“I’ll never be able to stop looking at you Inej. But when it comes to your bare skin, I will never look unless I know you are not vanishing from me. I won’t taint that. I can’t.” Kaz spoke honestly, surprising even himself with the easiness of the answer. There had been no barrier with his words. Kaz had always thought whether you chose to work in a pleasure house or were in a twenty-year marriage, it was your choice whom you share your body with. Inej had solidified those beliefs ten-fold since he’d known her. Kaz had never thought he’d share his own body with anyone, and that had been his choice. He of course felt the same desire as any other man, but he’d never thought he could beat his severe aversion to skin contact. It was only with Inej that he now found he wanted to share himself physically with another person, willing to fight the sickness that had plagued him for a decade. Inej would always get that same respect from him.

 

“I love you.” Inej whispered with such earnest that Kaz wanted to kneel beside the tub and attempt to kiss her again. He would not, he did not want to risk brushing her bare skin while it was also wet from bath water. He also did not want her to vanish at the proximity.

 

It felt like a recipe for disaster that his demons would season and bring to a boil. Kaz didn’t want that shame. He needed to be here for Inej as much mentally as physically.

 

Kaz’s stomach flipped when he heard her say it for the second time ever.

 

“I love you, Inej.” Kaz said in response, his throat did not catch this time. Maybe it was because he’d said it in his head so many times since the first time he’d told her before her departure. He’d also written it in her book of letters.

 

 Kaz wished he could stay and hold the towel open for her. He wished he could be the man who pulled her up from the tub and carried her to the bed still dripping jasmine and night bloom scented bubbles and just make her forget everything going on around her. Kaz also wished he could just take back whatever had happened to her before her return and protect her from this hurt. Inej protected herself, he knew that. Kaz wanted to protect her anyways, fiercely.

 

Kaz met her eyes one more time, they looked like puddles of honeyed chocolate in the low bathroom lighting. Kaz saw something ease slightly in her expression when an impossibly small smile danced on her lips. Kaz turned and walked back into the bedroom, pulling the door mostly shut behind him, just how she’d left it. Cracked enough for him to hear her if she asked for him. Kaz sat down on the bed and leaned back against the headboard to stretch out his bad leg.

           

            A few moments later, Inej exited the bathroom in a towel. It was shorter than the one he’d seen her in before, or perhaps it was how she’d tucked part of it into itself across her chest. Kaz didn’t care. He’d never complain about seeing her legs. This was Inej not minding him looking, walking in front of this like this. They both knew what permission from the other looked like.

 

How could a woman so short have legs that seemed so long?

 

Kaz couldn’t stop his eyes from roaming freely over her form when she stood in front of the dresser braiding her damp hair. Kaz had never seen above her knees, except once in his bedroom after she’d been shot. Kaz had been too happy she was alive to really commit it to memory. Kaz hadn’t noticed the odd scar marring the side of her left thigh, just below the towel she was wearing now. It was shaped almost like a square but there was a line through it. Kaz wasn’t sure what it could possibly be from, it didn’t look like something she’d gained from her acrobatic years, nor from the Menagerie. It definitely wasn’t a stab wound or a gunshot from her time with the Dregs.

 

“How did you get that scar on your thigh? It’s a shape I’ve never seen in a scar.” Kaz asked softly, hoping the question would prove to be a distraction for Inej from her troubles. Inej froze. Kaz watched as her bronze hand reached down and touched the scarred flesh self-consciously. Kaz wasn’t sure that asking had been a good idea, now.

 

Kaz watched as Inej turned and looked toward the chair where he’d draped the things he wasn’t wearing to bed. Inej walked to his clothes and picked something up with her back to him. Kaz raised an eyebrow to her when she turned back toward him. She was holding his belt. Inej took a deep breath and held up the buckle. A square with a line through it, that’s the scar a belt buckle would make. Fuck. Kaz felt rage bubble in his bloodstream. Every time he thought he’d heard the worst of Inej’s time at the Menagerie, it got worse.

 

“Fuck, Inej.” Kaz ran a hand through his hair. He wanted to reach for her. That way she could hold him here, and keep him from slipping his gloves back on, picking up his cane and waltzing to West Stave and burning the Menagerie to the ground right now. His hands itched for vengeance.

 

“I didn’t want to lie to you about what it was. Nina saw it once and I did lie then. I don’t know why I did. I hate that mark almost as much as I hated the tattoo, at least this one I can forget it’s there most of the time.” Inej said softly as she dropped his belt back onto the chair.

 

“You could get it removed by a tailor the way Nina removed your tattoo scar?” Kaz asked.

 

“No. This one I will bear for the rest of my life. I… I need the reminder that I lived through it. This one is private. The tattoo scar was not.” Inej mumbled as she reached for his shirt on the bed beside him. Inej didn’t hide the way her eyes still traced the plane of his chest before she moved away from the bed. Kaz understood what she meant, though. His leg was something of the same for him. He’d never wanted to heal it even when the pain was horrendous.

 

“Don’t hide it from me, please.” Kaz found himself whispering when he noticed her hand had once again gone to the mark. He didn’t want her to hide any part of herself from him, it was all Inej. He didn’t find a single part worthy of concealing.

 

Inej was too beautiful inside and out for doubt. He never wanted her to doubt it with him.

 

Inej pulled her hand away and he saw something like relief and awe pass through her eyes.

 

“Close your eyes.” Inej asked softly. Kaz did as instructed, he heard her towel drop to the floor and the swish of fabric as she pulled on his shirt. Kaz could not allow himself to ponder on the fact that Inej was not putting anything on underneath that shirt. It would ruin him and his pride if he thought on it.

 

“Open.” Inej said simply. Kaz opened his eyes and saw Inej had moved close to him, standing next to the bed. His shirt hit her mid-thigh, she’d rolled the sleeves up enough to make her hands visible. She’d left the top two buttons undone. Kaz ignored the urge to trace her collarbones with his eyes and met hers instead.

 

“Can I kiss you?” Inej breathed quietly. Kaz had no idea. Yes, of course. No. Maybe. Yes. He wanted. He wanted so much he felt a physical ache in his chest.

 

Kaz nodded, his eyes not leaving hers. He’d kissed her last time. Would this work or would he drown once more? He’d felt the revulsion when he kissed her knuckles. He didn’t have time to question it all. Inej leaned over him slightly from her spot beside the bed.

 

Night blooms. Sweet and dark. The scent filled his mind with images of Inej, a hundred stolen glances he’d taken and hoarded in his chest.

 

His eyes shut on their own accord.

 

Inej pressed her lips to his, a soft press, gentle. Real. Wings fluttered to life in his stomach.

 

Inej. Inej. Inej. So alive.

 

Inej was pulling away.

 

Kaz found himself leaning forward, chasing the shadow of her lips the way he’d always seek her in the dark.

 

Inej kissed him a second time, with the gentleness of a butterfly’s wing. She pulled away now, and Kaz opened his eyes to see a smile on her face.

 

If kissing Inej made her smile like that, his demons could kindly fuck off forever.  

 

“I’ll tell you everything tomorrow.” Inej said softly as she crawled under the sheets beside him. He saw the promise of sleep in her face. Kaz had done it, again. He hadn’t drowned.

 

Inej was the lighthouse. Inej was the beacon that brought him back to shore when the waves turned wicked and the undertow grew limbs. Kaz had never seen anything so bright.

Chapter 31: The Table

Summary:

It's time for Captain Inej Ghafa to pick herself up again and face the world.

Notes:

Chapter 31! This one is all Inej's perspective, I believe you'll understand why as you read. This one is kind of a "filler" but it sets up a lot of what's to come and I hope you guys love it all the same! I'm very excited about what is to come and I hope you guys are too! Also, It's been exactly one month since I published the first part of this story, and I wanted to take the time to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart for every read, kudos and comment. It makes my day every single time to see you guys enjoying this story and I can't tell you how much it means to writers like me to see a positive response. Thank you. It means everything to me.

In other news, I wanted to ask for an opinion from you guys for any of you who read my notes: I want to include Nina in this story (I won't tell you whether it would be in person or letters, or how big or small that inclusion would be- I don't want to spoil it if I do it!) but my question is if you guys would like that still if I haven't read King of Scars yet. It would technically diverge from Nina's cannon line as I haven't read that story nor have I read spoilers. Nina's inclusion would be my imagining of where her path led. I do plan on reading it eventually, but that doesn't help now. What do you guys think? Let me know what you'd prefer or any thoughts you have on the matter. I'd appreciate it so much! I was originally just going to do it but I can't decide so I made up my mind to ask ya'll.

Thank you again! I hope you love this chapter, and drop me a comment with any thoughts and feelings or feedback! It's always encouraged and welcomed.

 

           

INEJ

 

            Someone was knocking on the door. Inej’s mind was clouded with the residue of a dreamless sleep.

 

            “Go away.” Inej heard a grumble from Kaz beside her, she forced her eyes open to see Kaz was facing her, his eyes not yet open. Inej could tell it was early based on the rising light through her window behind Kaz’s sleepy form.

 

            “Can’t! I made waffles and Inej has a letter out here!” Jesper chirped happily. Inej knew Jesper had been worried about her last night, it was time to get up and face the world. Inej felt her stomach twist in pleading motion at the mention of food, she couldn’t recall when she’d last ate. Sometime after the battle at sea she had eaten some stale crackers while keeping watch; that must have been the last thing. Her body was angry with her. Inej sighed and Kaz cracked his eyes open slightly upon hearing her breath.

 

            “Give us a few minutes,” Inej called softly to Jesper. She heard his footsteps soften on their way down the hall. Kaz’s hair was sticking up in odd angles and there was a shadow at his sharp jawline. Inej wanted to kiss her way along it and make maps on his skin with her lips. Her grogginess made it even more appealing.

 

            “Wraith,” Kaz rasped, sleep lacing his voice. Inej couldn’t help but smile a bit. Kaz was here, even if her world felt wrong, he was right. Inej’s mind was slowly waking up, recalling what she needed to do today. She needed to lay three crew members to rest on a body boat for reapers barge. Carn. Aubree. Shila. That was their names. A splinter spread in the glass that was trying desperately to hold her heart together. No. Inej had to pick herself back up. She needed to be a captain today, strong and kind. Inej needed to hold her head high, even when her heart sat low.

 

Inej remembered something her father had once told her: “Loss is a terrible friend who never writes ahead or knocks. Loss only barrels into our space and demands to be seen and heard. When loss visits, we offer it tea, we listen and chat and cry. Then, time passes. Eventually, loss will only send us letters. Those letters will still hurt, remind us of who was once here, but it will no longer be sitting across from us demanding our attention. We will continue to live, Inej.”

 

            Inej had to continue to live her life. There was so much to live for. All the people she could yet save. The man warming the space beside her. Her parents, her friends.

 

            Inej took a deep breath once more, acknowledging loss with a teary smile. She’d listen now.

 

            “Morning, Kaz.” Inej mumbled, her eyes tracked his hand as it reached for hers. She met him half way, the feel of his palm in hers wrapped a comforting warmth around her tired bones.

 

            “Are you okay?” Kaz asked, dark eyes traced her face. It was as if Kaz was committing her lines to memory, the way she had done with his countless times. Inej wasn’t sure how to answer. She was okay. She was not okay. She settled for the only truth she knew.

 

            “I will be.” Inej whispered, rubbing his knuckles with her thumb, her eyes fell to their clasped hands on the gray sheets between them.

 

Copper and pale marble linked in a lover’s embrace.

 

“Shall we get up before Jesper makes his frustration known?” Kaz asked and Inej’s lips quirked up.

 

“I suppose, though it would be fun to see him have to shoot the lock open in his own house. Wylan would hang him.” Inej mused and Kaz chuckled. His laugh was a delicious noise to hear in the morning, Inej determined.

 

            “Can you go ask Wylan if I can borrow a sweater from him to wear? My pants will be fine for now. I’ll get my clothes from the ship today.” Inej asked. While Inej was a confident girl, she did not particularly want the jokes that would come from strolling down the halls of the Van Eck mansion in Kaz’s shirt. Only Kaz’s shirt.

 

            Kaz hummed a confirmation and Inej forced her bones into motion. She let go of his hand and sat up, rolled her shoulders back, twisted her neck to relieve knots from sleep and forced her chin up. Inej swung her legs out of the sheets and took one more deep breath. She felt the weight of a hand come up to her back from the bed behind her. Kaz rubbed circles in the base of her spine and Inej closed her eyes at the motion.

 

            “I’ll go get a sweater from Wylan for you, you do what you need to.” Kaz rasped and she felt a flutter in her gut. Kaz was being gentle. It was still an odd thing to match up his pieces.

 

            Rietveld and Dirtyhands were such opposites, yet the same soul housed them both.

 

            Kaz stood up stiffly, running a hand over his mussed hair. He somewhat succeeded in bending the raven black strands to his will. Inej watched him as he put on his belt before he grabbed his blazer and threw it on over his bare chest, Inej didn’t know what it was about the look, but it sent heat into her veins. Kaz was attractive always, it wasn’t a question; but something about Kaz in the morning made her want to beat their battles with even more ferocity so they could be closer sooner. Kaz noticed her staring and ran a hand over his hair one more time, his eyes asking “flat?” and Inej nodded, her cheeks stretched into a smile. She still couldn’t believe she’d kissed him, that he’d kissed her.

 

            She’d been right, Kaz Brekker’s lips had been worth the wait. She was ruined for anyone else. It was him and that was that. Her heart had known it for some time, her body was catching up.

 

            Kaz returned a few minutes later while Inej attempted to wrangle her dark tresses into the unison of a braid at her vanity. Kaz laid a black sweater on the bed for her and came up behind her in the mirror. Inej didn’t want to think on the coincidence that Wylan had lent her a black sweater for this day. Kaz held out his hand for her brush and Inej gave it to him; grateful to allow a tender hand to her head. She had been ripping at her own scalp mercilessly. Inej watched Kaz as he brushed her hair, she noticed the faint smile on his lips threatening to make an appearance. Kaz enjoyed touching her hair, she knew this. She suspected it was because it was a way for him to touch her that held no danger at all. She found she enjoyed it very much as well.

 

            Once her hair had been tamed by Dirtyhands himself, Inej turned around and hugged Kaz around his waist, his blazer still protecting her skin from brushing his, she did not lean her head into his stomach from her sitting position, just in case. Inej didn’t know what a touch to him there would do, if it would cause the room to flood in his mind’s eye. Kaz placed his arms around her shoulders and Inej didn’t hide the way her eyes skimmed the muscles of his abdomen. She made a promise to herself that she’d touch him there someday.  That they’d make it that far and further.

 

            “Jesper is going to come up here if we don’t get moving and I’d hate to leave blood stains on the carpet for Wylan’s maids when he regrettably makes me irritable.” Kaz mumbled from above her. Inej rolled her eyes and let him go.

 

            A few minutes later, Inej was clad in Wylan’s soft sweater, her unfortunate pants, and once again armed. It wasn’t much in the face of the day ahead of her, but she felt better. Kaz was dressed and waiting for her by the door, he offered her his arm as they made their way downstairs for breakfast. Inej could feel his questions in the air. She’d made them all a promise to tell them what had happened.

 

            Loss was still occupying her table, demanding attention. Inej would invite the people who’d pulled her up from her knees to sit and listen too. Inej would get through today and live.

 

            The windows in the Van Eck dining room depicted a stormy day ahead for Ketterdam. Inej said good morning to Wylan and Jesper and settled down into a chair at the table beside Kaz.

 

Inej knew she was looking at the waffles as if they were a long lost lover. She thought she understood Nina’s relationship with food a little better in that moment.

           

“What’s the time?” Inej asked as she took a sip of coffee after a few blissful bites of food. Inej knew Jesper was itching to ask her what had happened but one look from Kaz in his direction had allowed her a few moments of blessed silence to nurture her angry stomach. She had to keep an eye on the time, she would need to be back at the docks by nine bells to meet Specht and the rest of her crew. They would send off the fallen together. Inej also needed to retrieve her clothes.

 

“Half seven.” Kaz said beside her. Inej nodded, her eyes caught on the first flakes of snow falling to the ground outside the window, she was glad to be off the Sea with winter plunging its talons into autumn’s dying heart.

 

“Did you rest alright?” Wylan asked, a clink of silverware on his plate was the drumroll lead up to Inej’s story. It was time.

 

“Yes, thank you. I wish I hadn’t scared you all, I hadn’t slept in three days and I just needed to come home.” Inej said softly, she knew Kaz understood that much already. She felt his hand rest on her knee below the table, it was new. A private gesture of encouragement. Inej once again leaned into his strength and reached within for her own. With a deep breath, Inej began.

 

She told them of “The Serendipity”, of how she’d not been stealthy enough. Of how she’d failed. Her words had hitched in her throat when she told them of the bodies of innocent people she’d found in the hold. People she was meant to save. She hadn’t been quick enough to spare them the fate that found them. Shame coated her chest cavity, as violent a crimson as their blood had been. Kaz’s hand squeezed her leg when she couldn’t breathe evenly over the words. She let him pull her back from the nightmares. She told them of how she’d murdered the Captain and his men alone. They died by saintly blades, the only reprieve they deserved.

 

            Jesper had been about to speak but Inej had to finish, she cut him off. She told them next of “The Gilded Crown” and the battle that shook her to her very core. Inej had never seen as much blood on her own hands as she had that night. Both physically and metaphorically. Inej told them how she fired first, to save her crew, to save the children she had rescued from the third vessel she had targeted on her crusade. Inej hadn’t weighed the chance that the attacking ship could have also had stolen people aboard.

 

            It had. “The Gilded Crown” also had a brig of enslaved people. In the midst of battle, Inej hadn’t even thought of it. An oversight Inej was paying dearly for in her heart. It had been a sinful sacrifice of innocence to preserve life.

 

Saints, please forgive me, the stolen did not deserve the death they met by my hand.

 

 Inej hadn’t discovered that information until the aftermath of the battle, when the opposing ship was sinking under the weight of The Wraith’s fire power. Inej had saved her crew, spared the lives of all those on board her ship. She’d sacrificed many others. Inej’s voice cracked when she admitted her failure to those people too. She did not look up from where her gaze had locked on the coffee pot. Her eyes were blurry but she would not cry again, not now.

 

She heard Wylan whisper something like “Oh, Inej.” She felt Jesper’s buzzing energy, he was holding himself back. She knew Jesper just wanted to reassure her, tell her that it was not her fault that people were stolen in the first place.

 

Inej knew that it wasn’t her fault, perhaps in time she would be able to recognize it clearly. It did not stop the boulders of shame from dropping heavily to her chest now.

 

Inej knew Kaz understood that. She felt in in his silence. Kaz would not tell her not to feel how she felt. He knew that was not how she worked; her faith and her spirit had to guide her in this maneuver of forgiveness within herself. Instead, Kaz lent her strength to carry the weight until she could drop it herself. It was within every brush of his thumb against her knee, the gentle squeezes.

 

Inej told them of her crew that had lost their lives protecting others, fighting alongside her. Never giving up, never yielding in the face of death.

 

“I have to go send them off to rest here shortly. It’s the least I can do.” Inej finished solemnly. It was only at the end of the bloody tale that she dared to look up. Wylan had sympathy written all over his face, as did Jesper. Kaz looked like he wanted to kill things, his own version of empathy.

 

“Do you want us to come with you?” Wylan asked gently.

 

“No. I appreciate the sentiment, but I need to do it alone. I’m their captain. I need… I need to say goodbye with my crew.” Inej said. Jesper nodded along with Wylan.

 

“We’re here for you, ‘Nej.” Jesper said, his silver eyes narrowed on her. She knew they were here. Inej managed to work her face into something like a smile for them. It was going to be a long day. Kaz squeezed her knee again.

 

Saints, she loved these people.

 

“There’s a letter for you, by the way.” Jesper said and he reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope. She was grateful for the change in subject. Inej took it from him and noticed the ravkan post mark first, then she saw the script displaying her name. Inej would recognize it anywhere. Mama.

 

“When did this arrive?” Inej asked as she began to tear open the envelope, her posture straightened immediately, her body perking back up. She hadn’t thought of it during her voyage much and most certainly not since she’d been on land; but she had taken Kaz’s advice before she’d set sail. Inej had invited her parents to visit her in Ketterdam while she was docked. It wasn’t until Inej was holding this envelope that she realized just how much she wanted a hug from Papa, the kind where he picked her up off her feet and spun her around. How much she longed to hear Mama’s soothing hum as she made pan bread. Inej clung to the hope that they had accepted her invitation as she pulled the letter out of its confines.

 

“About two weeks ago, noticed the date on the post mark showed they sent it about a month ago. Makes sense, port to port post can be slow. My Da’s letters take forever from Noyvi Zem.” Jesper shrugged. Inej anxiously scanned the lines of her mother’s elegant script. Something in Inej rose back to life as she read in her native language. Inej reached the end of the letter, she felt a smile bloom on her cheeks.

 

“Good news?” Kaz asked from beside her. Inej felt contentment stretch its legs within her.

 

“My parents are on their way here.” Inej answered in a whisper wrapped in elation.

 

The sky had been gray in Inej’s mind these past weeks; but now, sitting here with her friends and the boy she loved, with the promise of her parent’s arrival, the sun dared to peek through its downcast curtain. It bathed Captain Inej Ghafa in a brazen gold hue of hope for a better tomorrow.

Chapter 32: Go On

Summary:

A date night, kind of.

Notes:

Chapter 32! Okay guys, I'm back with the next part! Ao3 was having issues last night when I tried to upload so I had to wait, sorry for the delay! I hope it was worth it though, I actually really enjoyed writing this chapter. I hope you love it! Thank you so much for reading and supporting. As always, drop me a comment with any thoughts and feedback!

PS- Thanks to everyone for offering input on if I should put Nina into this story. I know some of you were concerned if I'd read the Grisha trilogy- i have many times, not as much as SoC, but still! I was just waiting to read King of Scars until Rule of Wolves came out so I wouldn't be on a cliffhanger because i'm impatient hahaha. So, I've decided I might include Nina how I originally wanted to but Its not for a while yet, so we shall see. I might get through King of Scars and then decide. Thank you so much for responding and letting me know what you thought!

KAZ

 

            “The red one.” Kaz explained to the man behind the counter. The vendor handed Kaz the bottle and he left kruge on the counter and walked out of the shop to the snow covered street. Kaz wasn’t entirely sure what he was doing, but he hoped it was a good decision. Kaz slipped the bottle of Kvas into the bag he had picked up from the eatery on sixth just prior to this stop.

 

            The street lamps cast the snow blanketed streets in a glow as Kaz began to make his way back to the Slat. The streets were still busy despite the weather and hour- It was just after eight bells. Kaz had spent most of the day after Inej left to be with her crew overseeing finishing touches to the expansion of the Crow Club. It was set to open to the public in less than a week and Kaz was proud of it. Wylan had assured him that the “flow” was right when Kaz had brought him to see it the week prior. Kaz didn’t know when he’d started valuing the opinion of the ginger but he didn’t find a good enough reason within himself to deny it.

 

            Kaz entered the Slat and found Anika perched on the bottom step of the stairs with Pim.

 

            “Boss.” Pim looked up and Kaz inclined his head, the only greeting he ever gave.

 

            “Club’s already packed, pigeons getting out of the cold. Headed there now to back up Rotty and the bouncers. Roeder left a missive for you, it’s on your desk.” Anika said as she laced up a boot and shrugged on her coat.

 

            “Good. Make sure we run the specials at the bar, liquor warms the cold. I want the patrons flushed in anything but kruge by the time the sun rises.” Kaz rasped as he set the bag he had been carrying down and walked into his office to check Roeder’s missive.

 

            “Are you dealing tonight?” Pim asked from behind him.

 

            “No. I’ll be dealing tomorrow when the winter tourist ship from Noyvi Zem arrives, though. I don’t want a single interruption this evening unless it is crucial. Do you understand?” Kaz said sharply and turned back to Pim and Anika standing in his office doorway.

 

            “Got it.” Anika said and Pim nodded, though Kaz didn’t miss how they eyed the bag sitting on the ground.

 

            “Big plans?” Pim asked easily, Kaz knew they would have known Inej had returned to Ketterdam by now, her ship was distinguishable in the harbor. Kaz still didn’t want them pestering in his business. Kaz’s glare had them shutting the front door to the Slat within seconds, eager to walk away. Kaz knew that Pim had just been looking for comradery. Friendship, even. Kaz had never been that to the Dregs, not as their lieutenant under Per Haskell, and not now as their leader. Kaz didn’t regret it now, and he hadn’t regretted it then. Kaz had friends, two to be exact, three if he counted Zenik. That was enough to handle, more than enough. Kaz had accepted it, but it was a strange thing to think about. Inej was also his friend, but she was so much more. Inej was his partner, in business and life.

 

            Kaz read Roeder’s note- it was exactly what he had expected. The mercher they were going to target for a particularly large haul was precisely where Kaz wanted him. The mercher was new-money, an easy target who was not yet wary of the dangers of Ketterdam. Kaz wouldn’t have bothered targeting him until it became clear he had a rather large collection of rare and exquisite jewels. The mercher had made quite the name for himself in the acquisition of opals and diamonds in Shu Han prior to moving to Ketterdam. Kaz felt giddy at the idea of fencing those stones. Kaz could care less for gems- he preferred his assets in cash.

 

            A few minutes later, Kaz made his way to the attic. He set the bag down on his desk and shrugged out of his coat and hung it on the hook. Kaz wasn’t sure when Inej would arrive, but he hoped soon. He’d asked if she wanted to join him at the Slat tonight and she had agreed. He also hoped she was well, the day had promised to be tiring for her. Kaz knew that. Inej was empathetic to her core, eternally devoted to her mission and to the people that relied upon her. Kaz didn’t understand where that goodness came from, he held none of it within himself. Kaz did understand loyalty, though. Kaz respected Inej even more for her choice to send the fallen members of her crew off as a Captain should. Alone with the other members. Kaz didn’t believe in funerals, that much was obvious, but Kaz knew some part of Inej did. He’d be here for her when and if she needed him.

 

            Kaz hung his blazer in the wardrobe and straightened his tie and vest. Kaz lit the candles and the lamp on his desk and as he blew out the match, he felt her near. He pulled the bottle of kvas out as well as the two glasses he kept in his desk. A moment later the window clicked open and Inej slipped silently inside his room. There were snowflakes melting in her hair and she had a light flush to her cheeks. It made him want to move closer to her. Inej dropped a small leather bag next to her feet before she looked up to him. She didn’t speak but her eyes danced over him and left him with a flutter in his stomach. Kaz still wasn’t quite used to recognizing the hunger in her eyes for him- he still didn’t understand it. How could she want him as much as he wanted her? Kaz had worn his best tie and vest though. It was only for her, a hope to make a terrible few days better.

 

            Inej shrugged off her coat, it was then that she noticed the food laid on the desk, the bottle of wine. It was red, her favorite. Kaz preferred bourbon to wine, but he knew Inej liked kvas, and rum when she was pirating. A smile broke freely on her face.

 

            “For me?” Inej asked softly, her bronze hand traced the bottle of wine. She was looking at the small kindness like it was a far bigger gift than it was.

 

            “No. I thought I’d drink it myself in front of you and then I’d eat all the dessert waffles too.” Kaz quipped and Inej chuckled and mumbled something that sounded like “shevrati” under her breath.

 

            “That would be an unfortunate decision, I’d be forced to take my leave and go back to Jesper and Wylan’s. You’d never admit it but you’d miss me and regret it.” Inej wore a smug little smile as her eyes met his. Kaz was struck by the way the dim lighting heightened the gold in her irises.

 

            Her eyes were the summer heat that could surely melt the snow outside his window if she wished it so.

 

            “I’ll admit it then. I missed you and don’t leave. The wine and the food is for both of us.” Kaz rasped eagerly and honestly. He didn’t even think a second longer on the admission, he wanted her to know. Kaz saw the surprise of his honesty pass over Inej’s features but it earned him a smile that was all his.

 

            “Good to know you’ve come to your senses.” Inej chuckled as she sat in the chair in front of his desk to unlace her boots.

 

            Kaz smiled to himself as he settled into his own desk chair and began to unpack the dinner he’d picked up for them. After he’d placed the food out, he realized Inej was staring at him.

 

            “What, Wraith?” Kaz asked as he tossed the takeout bag into the bin below his desk.

 

            “You bought me dinner.” Inej said simply, as if it all made sense as to why she was looking at him with something akin to wonder in her eyes. He’d never tire of that look.

 

            “I’m pretty sure over half the time we staked out for jobs and got dinner- I foot the bill, Inej.” Kaz felt his lips quirk up.

           

            “That didn’t mean the same as this. This is dinner across a table from you with nowhere else to be. This is dinner with you because you want to spend the time with me the way I always wanted to spend the time with you.” Inej voiced confidently, her admission surprised him. It was also not entirely true. Inej was incorrect because perhaps once it was just work as colleagues and grabbing food to fuel themselves. But somewhere along the way in Inej’s time in the Dregs, Kaz had waited to eat those meals with her. He wanted to spend as much time with her as possible, even if it was very little. He wanted to pay because Inej was… Inej was more. Kaz couldn’t pick an exact moment where it had changed, but it had.

 

            “I used to wait to eat until our stakeouts if we had one planned. I wanted to spend time with you, Inej. I told myself it wasn’t the case but it was.” Kaz whispered as he began unscrewing the bottle of kvas. Inej was looking at him intently, he felt her eyes on him. Kaz looked up to see a smiling wraith, already nibbling on a bread roll. Inej didn’t respond but he could see the happiness in her eyes. It had been an admission for an admission. He didn’t regret sharing that truth.

           

            They sat in their comfortable sort of silence for a few minutes, beginning their meal. Inej was sipping her kvas when she seemed to remember something. She paused and reached into her pocket, she took out her own journal. It was identical to the one he had to give her. Inej pushed it across the desk to him before her hand made a motion that said “give me”. Kaz suppressed a smile at the motion before he reached into his desk drawer and took out the one for her, he placed it in her hand. Inej smiled and he noticed her do a somewhat giddy bounce in her seat. Kaz rolled his eyes but she was smiling and taking another bite of potatoes as she began reading his letters to her. Kaz decided he didn’t want to watch her reactions, he didn’t entirely remember everything he’d written. He knew he’d been drunk on at least one occasion when he’d written to her. Instead, Kaz opened the journal she had given him and opened to the first letter she’d written.

 

            She mentioned traveling to Ravka with him again. She missed him. Kaz felt his lips form a smile as he read the next letter and the next. He snuck a glance at Inej when she laughed. She laughed the laugh.

 

How could something he’d written garner such an exquisite reaction? He didn’t care. Inej was home and it felt like the barrel was a bit brighter in it’s dark corner of the world.

 

Kaz came to a letter when Inej herself had been drunk on rum and he couldn’t hold back the laughter when he saw she’d accidentally started writing in suli only to cross it out and repeat herself in kerch for him. She had written that she wanted to kiss him or throttle him and Kaz laughed harder than he had in a long time. Inej was glaring at him from across the desk, but he saw through it. Her eyes were lit up with amusement and her cheeks were flush from kvas.

 

Ghezen, he couldn’t stop thinking about kissing her again. Maybe knowing the feeling of her lips against his was a curse. How was he supposed to live up to his horrendous reputation for violence when all he cared about was the softness of Inej’s mouth pressed against his own?

 

“Your birthday is January ninth? Mine is April thirteenth. I will consider your birthday request. The suli do celebrate them. Get over it.” Inej said with a smile as she read and Kaz felt his skin warm. He rolled his eyes and he filed Inej’s birthday under a tab marked “to-remember” within his mind.

 

They continued to read in mostly silence, except for the occasional laugh. Inej reached her hand across the desk to him and he took it easily, brushing his thumb over the top of her hand. Kaz came to the last letter Inej had written and he felt unease in his gut as he read of Inej’s shame. She’d shared it all with him, her anger, her rage, her broken heart. Somehow, reading it from Inej’s past self on her ship, made her reaction to seeing him, after the sea battle had also occurred, make much more sense.

 

Kiss me until I forget this pain. Hold me together, Kaz.

 

Kaz felt an acute pain slice through his chest. He pictured Inej in the Crow’s nest on her ship, writing him, missing him. Kaz would hold her together and he’d practice kissing her every moment he was allowed, until someday she would forget that pain. Kaz wanted to kill every last man that Inej had felled all over again, he wanted them to pay for the pain they’d caused her.

 

He was glad they were dead by Inej’s steady hand. He would have bought a ship for himself to hunt them down, otherwise.

 

Kaz closed the book and he found Inej staring out the window, she clearly knew what her last letter had been. She was avoiding looking at him, he felt it in her silence. He saw it in the turn of her face away from him. Inej was not hiding because she didn’t wish for him to see her shame, she was avoiding looking at her shame again for herself. It was too fresh, Kaz realized.

 

Kaz let go of her hand and stood from his side of the desk and limped around to her. She did not look at him. Kaz put both of his hands in front of him. Stand with me? Inej placed her hands in his and let him pull her to her feet. Kaz pulled her close to him and wrapped his arms tightly around her, he knew she was surprised but her arms gripped him tightly around his waist.

 

Kaz would hold her together as she mended herself from within. Inej would never know that she’d held him together for a long time now; but he was slowly stitching his parts back together for her. This embrace was proof enough.

 

He’d pull himself into some semblance of a man for her.

 

INEJ

 

            Inej picked up the rubbish from their dinner on Kaz’s desk and felt his eyes on her. She didn’t know how long she’d stood circled in Kaz’s arms, letting him keep her pieces together once again, but she felt better. Inej was happy to be home.

 

            Inej threw away the containers and made her way to her bag, she noted Kaz undoing his tie and hanging it on a rack with the others in his wardrobe. His lines were perfect, Inej thought. She wondered how he found such an excellent tailor for his suits, how he never failed to look as if a blade itself would run in fear of his sharpness. Inej’s eyes moved from Kaz to the bed, where her emblem was hung above it. A smile cracked on her lips at the sight, it was a testament to the two people who would lay down beneath it tonight. If Inej was honest, she would spend every night on land here with Kaz. It frightened her. Not because of the realization, but because she recognized how soon it was for something like that.

 

Then again, she thought, had it really been soon at all? How long had she felt these feelings for Kaz? How long had she craved the company of his crooked grins and harsh lines? His terrible truths? His confident demeanor that hid kindness beneath? Inej didn’t know for sure, but it had started long ago, she realized. Of that, she was certain.

 

Inej wouldn’t ask him for that, though. She wouldn’t ask to stay with him exclusively when she was docked. Kaz had to decide he wanted her here when she was on land, it was his space. It was something for him to ask. Inej did love spending time at the Van Eck mansion, too. Jesper and Wylan were excellent friends and wonderful housemates, but something about sleeping alone when Kaz was in the same city seemed like a waste. It was a victory for Inej. She no longer cringed at the thought of sharing a bed with a man, so long as that man was Kaz. Inej wondered if Kaz had thought about it. It wouldn’t be moving in together, per say. Inej was gone much of the year. In a way, it was a step toward that, though. Even here in the attic that Inej had felt everything from rage to love inside of.

 

            Inej took out half of her clothes she’d taken from the ship, the other half she’d already taken back to the Van Eck mansion to get laundered and put away in her room there. Inej took the bundle of clothes and went to her drawer in Kaz’s dresser. When she opened it, she smiled. There were two more of Kaz’s shirts inside, waiting for her. Inej turned her head and found Kaz leaning against the wardrobe looking at her. He shrugged, his eyes displayed the words. You’d take them if you wanted them anyways, so I gave them to you.Inej smiled as she took a shirt of his out and replaced it with her own clothes inside. Inej also took out the sleep trousers that were far too long for her. Inej wondered vaguely what Kaz would do if she changed her clothes right here, in front of him. He’d probably look away. She was grateful for it, but she also wished it wasn’t a necessary concession to her trauma.

 

Inej wanted to be a girl who could relish under his gaze and feel confident and free to do as she wished in the privacy of the bedroom belonging to the man she loves. She would do that, someday she decided. Her demons hold on her had been loosening, and she would break free.

 

Inej made her way into the bathroom and smiled at Kaz as she walked by. He was unbuttoning his vest and Inej resisted the urge to pause and do it herself. Someday.

 

Inej opened the bathroom door a few minutes later after changing and sat on the counter as Kaz came in to brush his teeth. Inej took the time to tell him her parents would be here within three days’ time, maybe slightly more or less depending on the winds at sea. She saw him freeze slightly at the mention of their visit. Was Kaz nervous? He’d met her parents already. He’d actually made a great impression on them. It’s why her parents liked him, despite his line of work. They knew who Kaz was, but Inej knew they felt gratitude to the boy who had gotten her out of the Menagerie, they had told her as much.

 

“What is it?” Inej asked as Kaz splashed water over his face and patted it dry with a towel from the hook.

 

“I need to get a haircut.” Kaz mumbled. Inej quirked her head in confusion. He did not look like he needed a haircut, she also didn’t know why that seemed to be an important thought now. Inej reached out a hand, she made sure he saw her coming and she ran it over the side of his head very lightly, the shorter pieces soft under her palm. He moved to stand in front of her and she parted her knees to make room for him in the small bathroom.

 

“It doesn’t look any longer than you usually keep it.” Inej stated.

 

“I… I just want to…I’ll just look my best then when they arrive.” Kaz was looking down and toying with a stray string on the hem of his shirt that she was wearing. Inej smiled then, she felt a flush grace her chest. Kaz was nervous. He wanted to make a good impression now because they were lovers; he wanted her parents to accept him for their daughter. Inej wondered if she should tell him that her parents had already decided Kaz was more than a friend to her the moment they’d seen Inej interact with him. Inej hadn’t been able to figure out how Mama had known, but in private, she had asked Inej why she and Kaz were not together. Inej hadn’t had an answer back then. It had been the same day Kaz had held her hand for the first time. Inej hadn’t known what the future could yet hold.

 

“Kaz they like you. I didn’t lie to you.” Inej whispered. Kaz flicked his gaze up to her, they were eye to eye with her on the sink, or at least much closer to it. Inej traced the scar above his lip with her eyes and she watched her words sink into him. Kaz wouldn’t believe her so easily, Inej knew that, but it was a start. Inej was nothing but excited to reintroduce Kaz to her parents. This time, she would introduce him as her avri. Avri meant “partner” in suli. Her heart picked up pace at the thought.

 

“I’m sure they’ll come to their senses.” Kaz mumbled and Inej giggled.

 

“I didn’t, shevrati.” Inej mused with a playful nudge of her knee into his waist. It earned her a small smile from Kaz’s lips. Inej wanted to kiss him again, desperately.

 

“Avri, my partner.” Inej tested the words in her mouth and Kaz tilted his head in question.

 

“It’s how I’ll reintroduce you to my parents.” Inej answered his unspoken question.

 

Inej thought her heart stopped when Kaz repeated the word back to her in a whisper, his eyes were on her neck as he spoke.

 

Inej was struck with the memory of another bathroom, another sink, another moment.

 

She moved her braid off of her shoulder with a flick, Kaz’s eyes tracked the movement before narrowing back on the pulse point in her neck. Inej was inviting him to rewrite that part of the story.

 

“Go on.” Inej whispered just as she once had.

 

Kaz swallowed and leaned his head down, Inej clutched the bathroom counter at her sides, but she did not go completely still the way she had the first time he’d ever done this.

 

All thoughts left her mind when she felt Kaz’s lips at the juncture between her shoulder and neck. He kissed her once, twice, three times. He paused, taking a deep breath before he began kissing a line up her throat.

 

Kaz left embers in the wake of his lips, leaving her skin burning for more.

 

Inej thought perhaps she’d died and the Saint’s had decided she was worthy of this reward in the after-life.

 

Kaz paused when he reached her jawline, her breathing was uneven, his was too. Kaz pulled back and looked her in the eyes before he leaned in once more.

 

A kiss on her lips was the punctuation point at the end of the story. The story of a moment on a bathroom counter, a year in the making.

Chapter 33: One In A Million

Summary:

A few moments to plan for the future.

Notes:

Chapter 33! Yay! Okay guys, this one is honestly fluff but it also talks about some things that I really wanted to incorporate for Kaz and Inej's future. I also just love when I can write domestic moments between these two, it makes me smile. So I hope you guys love it! Next chapters are going to be big in a lot of ways so I hope ya'll are as excited as I am! Thank you so much for all the support on this story, every read, comment and kudos means the world to me! As always, let me know what you think in the comments! I can't express how much I love reading them and hearing what you guys are thinking!

KAZ

 

            “No you have to hold your hand steady or he’ll move away!” Inej was laughing and clutching the mug of tea Kaz had made for her downstairs in the kitchen of the Slat. It had earned him a very raised eyebrow by Arman, who had never once seen Kaz step foot in any rooms of the Slat besides the office and his attic floor. It seemed like Arman determined the tea was not for Kaz himself and that had kept him from uttering a word. Kaz had come back upstairs and they had been getting ready for bed when Inej heard the caws of her birds outside his window in the snow. She’d jumped to the bread drawer with a smile on her face that was so sincere that Kaz couldn’t help but come to the window with her.

 

            Kaz was still drunk on the feeling of her skin under his lips. Kaz had kissed her neck, her lips. He’d had to take some deep breaths, but he was learning what helped. Inej had not gone completely still, that had helped immensely. Kaz also knew that was a victory for her in her own internal battles. Her eyes before he kissed her always helped too.

 

They were so full of life it seemed to trick the ghosts that haunted him into looking the other way, knowing there was no death to be found here.

 

            “He hates me. He told me while you were away.” Kaz rasped in between chuckles as the crow cawed angrily at his unsteady dinner plate, also known as Kaz’s cupped hand. There were snowflakes blowing in from the open window and Inej was catching them in her palm and trying to inspect them before they melted.

 

            “My crows do not hate you. They just like me better.” Inej chuckled as she brought her hand up to see a snowflake that caught on the sleeve of his shirt she was wearing.

 

            “Ah we have something in common then, maybe the crows and I will bond after all.” Kaz observed as he shook the remaining bread crumbs from his hand and left the bird to pick them from the snow on the ledge.

 

            Inej laughed and a gust of snow blew in from the window on a strong harbor wind and she frowned when snowflakes landed in her mug of tea. She jutted her lip and Kaz chuckled freely at her expression.

 

            Inej balled up some snow from the ledge beside her and threw it at him before he could react. It hit him square in the cheek.

 

            “Rude.”

 

            “I never claimed that I had manners either.” Inej quipped with a sip of her tea.

 

            Kaz laughed and offered her his hand, she took it and he pulled her down from the ledge. He pulled the window closed behind her, it was a cold night for early winter. Kaz wondered if he should get his own fireplace put in, up here in the attic. It would be easy enough being it was the top floor beneath the roof. Kaz thought that might be nice, both for his leg and to enjoy with Inej.

 

            He was momentarily struck again how easily he’d fallen into planning things with Inej in mind in his future, even something like a fireplace. It should terrify him. It did once. It was starting to feel… normal. Easy.

 

            Kaz couldn’t imagine going back to the way his life had been before the Ice Court and all the revelations those months had brought. After the auction is when everything truly began to change, and now Kaz was here.

 

            Kaz was holding Inej’s bare hand and getting ready to lay down beside her after having dinner with her and kissing her. It was unexpected. It was a wish Kaz had made a million times over but never allowed himself to believe in.

 

            It was like the snowflakes Inej seemed to like so much. His life had a one in a million chance to take the exact shape and pattern it had before drifting from the sky- to either land on the ground beneath someone’s boot or to land on the delicate bronze hand of a girl who looked to the sky.

 

Kaz felt lucky, he felt like he’d beaten a game of odds against some deity. Whether Ghezen or Inej’s saints, he didn’t care.

 

Kaz watched as Inej made her way to the bed and slipped under the sheets, her eyes saying “you blow out the lamp and candles.” Kaz sighed and felt a pull on his cheek muscles at her smug grin. She made a show of making herself more comfortable.

 

“You know I’m a cripple right? I should be sitting down.” Kaz rasped.

 

“You know you survived for literally your whole life without me, right? Also, I’ve seen you take down fifteen men on a staircase. You’re not selling your incapability to me, Kaz Brekker.” Inej laughed and Kaz felt a spark light in his veins. Inej’s laugh always seemed to do that to him.

 

A few moments later, Kaz settled in beside Inej and listened to her talk about the day she’d had sending crew members off to Reaper’s barge. It seemed that the darkness and the warmth of the bed had emboldened her. It was now that she was comfortable and warm

beside him that she was able to talk about it. Overall it seemed that it had gone as planned, Inej said her crew was looking forward to three full months docked. One-month worth of land time in the past ten had been rough on everyone.

 

Kaz told her about the Crow Club expansion rooms opening the next week, which led to him finally telling her about the fact that he had cut Jesper a portion of ownership of the club.

 

“You have no idea how much that meant to him, Kaz.” Inej whispered. Kaz avoided her eyes, she was looking at him as if he were a good man. He wasn’t. She should know that by now.

 

“Why won’t you look at me?” Inej asked.

 

“Because you’re looking at me like I’m decent. I’m not, Inej.” Kaz answered softly, his voice coming out with more gravel than usual.

 

“You’re wrong.” At this, Kaz turned his head to look at her. Her face was peaceful, her brown eyes narrowed on him.

 

“I’m looking at you as if I’m in love with you. But if you’d prefer to deny the obvious, that it up to you, Kaz Brekker.” Inej mumbled. Kaz rolled his eyes but his stomach flipped. Kaz decided to change the subject.

 

“Are you putting your parents up in a hotel or are they staying at the house?” Kaz asked.

 

“The house. Jesper and Wylan insisted. Though I will admit they do have four spare bedrooms that are completely unused.” Inej smiled at the ridiculousness of it.

 

“I see.” Kaz mumbled, he wasn’t sure what he was doing. He also knew that Inej would surely want to stay at the house with her parents while they were in Ketterdam. Kaz had no idea if her parents would find him disrespectful for spending nights with her, whether her coming to the Slat or him coming to the house. Kaz also knew that they hadn’t explicitly decided to spend most nights together. If Kaz was brave enough, he’d admit that he wanted every night with Inej while she was on land.  Kaz wasn’t sure how Inej would react to him asking that of her, or if her demons within would allow that. It wasn’t lost on Kaz that he’d also been lucky thus far; he hadn’t awoken to a nightmare while Inej was beside him. If she were to stay every night with him… well he’d be tempting what was surely inevitable. If only he could figure out how she would feel about such an arrangement…

 

“Why are you scheming in bed while I’m here?” Inej whispered. He’d heard her and Jesper’s remarks about his “scheming face” before. Kaz wasn’t sure how his face altered when he concocted a plan but apparently it was a visible change. Kaz hadn’t realized he’d fallen so deep into his thoughts.

 

“It’s nothing.” Kaz responded, rolling to his side to face Inej.

 

“You are a great liar with everyone else, Kaz. Not me though.” Inej mumbled with a slight squint of her eyes.

 

Damn her. Inej was the most beautiful, infuriating creature he’d ever encountered. She was also the best spy, secret finder. Even with him.

 

Kaz took a steeling breath and dug around in his gut for a handful of courage and a pinch of boldness.

 

“Will I be able to spend any nights with you while your parents are here? I don’t want to be… disrespectful.” Kaz whispered. He didn’t think he’d ever once cared about being respectful to anyone besides Inej. The word felt foreign on his tongue, it tasted like he’d eaten something too salty. Dirtyhands wouldn’t give a damn if he was respectful. But this was Inej’s parents, he knew what it would appear they were doing if they spent nights together. Someday, Kaz reminded himself. Kaz refused to lose Inej because he couldn’t muster a bit of manners in the face of her family.

 

Inej looked thoughtful for a moment, something twinkled in her eyes. It was something happy, Kaz decided. She reached her hand out, palm up for him. Kaz took her hand in his own, interlacing their fingers and tracing over the small scar that lined her ring finger.

 

“First, you know I can climb, don’t you? I don’t need a door opened. If I wanted to spend the night with you, it would not require permission from anyone but you. I also know you can traverse rooftops when you want to, and I’ve seen you pick the lock on my window, shevrati.” Inej paused with a soft grin and squeezed his hand gently. Kaz scoffed but his lips pulled up slightly. “Second, my parents will know we are together. They would have no qualms with me spending my time with you as I see fit. It’s not… it’s not taboo in my culture. I’m of age and I chose you. You’re my avri, the person I choose and will choose over and over again. It makes sense for us to be together… in all ways. No one needs to know what we share privately. They also know where…. Where I came from before I met you. They know what I’ve been through. I think it will honestly bring them peace to know that my experience there, in the Menagerie, did not destroy my chance of finding happiness and love with a man I chose.” Inej finished with a smile on her face.

 

Kaz hadn’t considered it like that. Inej and Kaz were committed to each other and would tell her parents as much with the introduction of avri. Kaz knew only kerch practices, where it was often a scandal if a couple spent their nights together before marriage- at least in mercher families. He thought of Alys Van Eck who was not much older than himself who had been forced to marry Jan Van Eck by her own family. Kaz decided the suli had a much more refreshing view on how relationships worked. It wasn’t like Ketterdam was pious, far from it. Most lost their innocence early, at least in the barrel. Kaz had just wanted her parents to accept him, despite what he was.

 

Kaz still didn’t think he deserved an ounce of respect from them, but he hoped he could at least find a way for them to know that he loves their daughter.

 

“You’ll want to stay at the house while they are here.” Kaz stated, he hadn’t actually meant to say the words out loud. His voice had not hidden his disappointment. Inej was smiling unabashedly. Kaz didn’t know why.

 

“If you want to ask, you should. Brooding is not working for you, mera chaar.” She whispered.

 

Mera chaar. My moon. Inej had called him that in her letters. It made his skin warm, Inej had a name for him other than shevrati.

 

“What is the suli word for sea?” Kaz asked, his eyes focused on hers. Inej quirked her head slightly against the pillow.

 

“Nadra.” Inej whispered. Kaz moved his mouth into the word with no sound. Inej was watching him, he could feel her confusion emanating from her. She wanted him to ask something else, he knew that. He was going to.

 

            “When you wish to, mera nadra, would you stay here with me?” Kaz whispered. Inej’s eyes widened before a sparkling smile on her lips lit up the dark room.

 

INEJ

 

            Inej didn’t think she’d heard him correctly at first. He’d asked her, in his way, to stay here with him more often. Exclusively? Inej wasn’t positive that was what he was leading to, but she hoped so. She’d only thought of if he’d want that earlier this same night.

 

            Kaz had called her his sea. Mera nadra. The moon and the sea. Kaz knew where she’d chosen her term of endearment from. It was beautiful to hear her language from his lips. It meant everything to Inej.

 

            Inej decided to ask him now, what he wanted. Inej had already decided she’d prefer to be with him when she was on land. Kaz was home.

 

            “And what if I would prefer to be with you all nights when I’m on land?” Inej whispered, she felt her face warm but she did not let her eyes leave his. He had to know what she wanted, it was up to him whether he’d let go of his pride and admit the same to her. Or if he didn’t want that yet, Inej needed to know that too. She would not push him, she would understand. Inej would rather the truth from him, no matter what it was. Kaz’s eyes were trained on hers, she felt a hesitation in his finger that was brushing along her own.

 

            “I want you with me every night, Inej.” Kaz replied after a long moment. She saw the swallow he took before he spoke, this was Kaz without armor.

 

            “Then I will request one thing.” Inej smiled as his words slipped as soundlessly as she into her heart.

 

            “What is that?” Kaz asked quietly, a smile crept onto his face without his permission.

 

            “I want the fancy soap Wylan buys.” Inej chuckled.

 

            “You’re going to make me ask him where he gets it, aren’t you?” Kaz mumbled with a grimace.

 

            “Absolutely.” There was a smug grin she couldn’t stop from appearing on her lips. Inej didn’t know how her heart could fly so high while confined in her chest’s cage.

 

            “The deal is the deal, Inej.” Kaz answered softly, his brown eyes glinted in the filtering moonlight from the window.

 

            “To make it up to you, I cleared hangers for you in my wardrobe at the house. In case… In case we spend some nights there while my parents are here and otherwise.” Inej said. Kaz’s eyes widened, it was clearly not something he’d expected, despite the fact that he’d done the same for her here in the Slat.

 

            “Maybe my suits will be safe from moths, there.” Kaz quipped and Inej smacked his arm with her free hand and it made Kaz laugh. It was the smile with the dimple.

 

            If Inej could have, she’d have painted murals to honor that smile. It reminded her of the sky, of the way the wind whipped her hair when she stood in the Crow’s nest of her ship. It was freedom. That smile was freedom in its purest form, free from the weight of the world and the hand that had been dealt to him.

Chapter 34: Crimson

Summary:

A reunion of the Ghafa's.

Notes:

Chapter 34!! Guys. I'm so excited for this chapter and the next one. I sincerely cannot express to you how much I hope you guys like this one. It's so special to me and I hope you guys like it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Please let me know what you think down in the comments! It would mean everything to me.

Thank you so much for all of your continued support- I'll never be able to tell you guys thank you enough but I hope you know how much it means to me.

 

PS- made it to 100k words! Can you believe it? I can't.

KAZ

 

            “Good morning,” Inej chirped as she walked into Kaz’s office. Kaz had seen her enter through the front door of the Slat; he appreciated the discretion. While the most trusted members of the Dregs knew of his and Inej’s involvement- the other members did not. Inej primarily used the window to enter his attic rooms anyways so nothing of their routine had truly been disrupted with the secret. It almost made Kaz laugh to think of the fact that Inej would be sleeping above them all, with him no less, and half the gang was none the wiser.

 

            “Wraith,” Kaz rasped and he looked up to find Inej dressed and ready for the day, holding two cups of coffee. Inej handed him one and Kaz smiled. Inej must have woken and gotten ready and left to get them coffee. Kaz had been up for hours, but he’d let Inej sleep. He figured she needed it after the day she had prior in combination with the tumultuous time she’d had her last days on sea. Kaz noticed she looked brighter today; sleep, a warm shower and clean clothes in combination with a personal armory strapped to your body could do that to a person, he supposed. Inej sat down in a chair across from his desk.

 

            “So, tell me. What have we got in the way of work? Any information for me regarding the trade, Mr. Brekker?” Inej asked as she sipped her coffee. Her eyes were bright with the promise of work. Kaz relished in it.

 

            This was the second reunion. This was their reunion as business partners, as Dirtyhands and the Wraith.  

 

            “I have something for you to read. I’ve also been sending Roeder on recon to watch Tante Heleen when I could spare him. This is the last thing he was able to intercept but I wanted to work with you exclusively on the information. I got it two days prior to your return. Roeder has been waiting to intercept a response ever since.” Kaz rasped and he pulled out the copy of the letter from Charles Hester to Tante Heleen from his desk, Kaz had Roeder place the original back into the post so they could find out if Heleen responded once she received it.

 

            Inej read the letter quickly, her eyes widened at the same spot his own eyes had when he read it. Inej shook her head angrily.

 

            “They failed at sinking me. Bastards.” Inej mumbled. Kaz loved to hear her curse. It was a genuine delight. He just wished it wasn’t because of the same people who haunted her nightmares.

 

            “I want to intercept Heleen’s response before we make a further move. We need to find out when and if she is going to meet him, that way if his employer deigned to join the meeting, we can learn his identity. I’ve done some digging on Henrik, I suspect he was kerch born on his accent alone, but he either gave a false name or it was an incorrect assumption. Both are possible.”  Kaz said and he folded his gloved hands in front of him on the desk and watched as Inej thought over the new information.

 

            “I’m taking point on the intel. I want Roeder to watch Heleen and intercept any missives she decides to send in response to that letter, but I’m going to keep a closer eye on Hester. I want to know which girls he sees at the Vixen’s Garden, they could prove a good source of information and I might be able to help them.” Inej said confidently. Kaz felt a pleasant shiver dance down his spine. Inej was scheming alongside him once more.

 

            Fuck I love this woman and her mind.

 

            “He frequents the Garden on Friday nights, right? We’ll stake it out to see who he visits. Also, I want a glimpse of the madam who runs the garden, what was her name? Vask?” Inej was swirling the end of her braid between her fingers, her jaw was locked. Kaz wondered if this was the wraith’s scheming face. When he thought on it, it was. He’d seen this look on her face many times. Even the night he’d crawled to her window to apologize and he’d seen her planning her route for her voyage. It was the same look.

 

            Scheming face? Definitely.

 

            “I’ll stake it with you.” Kaz said in response, a small grin threatening his collected demeanor.

 

            Inej looked up to him now and he saw a matching smile on her face.

 

This is where it all started, Kaz realized. Somewhere along the way, Kaz noticed those smiles while they sat in his attic and schemed impossible jobs. Then they pulled them off, together. In those moments, Kaz’s breath had begun to hitch every time she entered a room, in anticipation of everything that was Inej. Thankfully, no one had ever noticed that.

 

Kaz was about to tell her about the jewel heist he was also planning when a knock sounded on the door to his office.

 

“Enter.” Kaz grimaced. He’d been enjoying talking business with his wraith. He was not yet caffeinated enough for other people who were not nearly as exquisite to listen to.

 

“Boss just a missive-” Rotty popped his head into the room and paused when he saw Inej sitting in front of the desk.

 

“Wraith! You’ve returned to us from the sea!” He exclaimed with a grin. Kaz watched Inej smile and say hello and Kaz realized he was grateful that Rotty now knew of their relationship, that he knew Inej was committed to himself. Otherwise, Kaz would have wanted to kick him out of the room for earning that smile from Inej. It was terribly territorial. Kaz desperately needed to drink more coffee. Mornings made him eager for bloodshed, when even he knew it was not deserved. Kaz had also made a habit of getting more sleep regularly because of Inej and it made him loathe mornings more than when he scarcely let himself slow down enough to sleep at all. Inej made laying down much more appealing.

 

“Missive.” Kaz gestured with his hand, breaking up Rotty’s reunion with Inej.

 

“Oh, right! Here.” Rotty stepped away from the doorway and handed Kaz the envelope.

 

“Good to see you back, Inej.” Rotty inclined his head and Inej did the same before Rotty left the room and closed the door behind him.

 

Kaz skimmed the letter, it was the expected numbers for the bar sales at the Club the night before. Kaz would go over them later. He felt Inej’s eyes on him and he looked up to see her smiling. Kaz was about to ask her what it was for when another knock sounded on his door, this one in a rhythmic tone.

 

“For Ghezen’s sake, what?” Kaz rasped and he noticed Inej suppress a giggle at his reaction. He sent a glare her way before the door opened, which only made her grin wider.

 

“Morning, ladies and violence!” Jesper chirped from the open door way. Kaz wanted to strangle him and mangle all his violet polyester clad limbs. Inej chuckled once more at Kaz’s glare.

 

“Sorry to interrupt but I suspected I would find our wraith here,” Jesper paused and sent a smile and a wink Inej’s way. Kaz had no idea why Jesper was here before eleven bells in the morning.

 

“Good morning, Jes.” Inej said and she flicked her braid over her shoulder as she crossed one leg over the other, a sly smile on her face as she looked at Kaz.

 

“What, Jes?” Kaz sighed and ran a gloved hand over the side of his head.

 

“Oh I’m here because two acrobats showed up at my house this morning, Wylan was terribly embarrassed. You see, his hair was messed up because we’d been in the middle of some nefarious-” Jesper rambled but stopped when Inej held up her hand with a brilliant smile and disbelieving chuckles that stopped words from forming in her mouth. Kaz would taste those chuckles, soon. He promised himself that before Jesper’s words really sank in to him.

 

Inej’s parents. Here. Sooner than expected. Fuck.

 

“They’re here?” Inej finally got out. Jesper nodded, silver eyes shining with happiness right alongside Inej’s.

“They’re here early! I wanted to watch the docks I- I have to go!” Inej was bouncing on her feet, a smile permanently engraved into her cheeks.

 

Inej jumped up and set her coffee cup down on Kaz’s desk. Inej turned to him then.

 

“I um-” She started before Jesper cut her off.

 

“Dinner for the Ghafa’s, our house. Six bells.” Jesper said easily and Inej beamed like she’d just seen the sky for the first time. Kaz couldn’t help but nod to her, he managed a smile even though he felt anxiousness churn in his gut.

 

“I’ll see you tonight then.” Inej said softly as she glanced to the still cracked door to Kaz’s office. She moved quickly to stand beside Kaz in his chair and he looked up to her.

 

He saw it all there. There was a happiness in her eyes almost as profound as the day he’d reunited her with her parents for the first time. She looked as if the earth itself had told her it spun just for her. In that moment, only the sun could match the brightness he found in her eyes.

 

Kaz would pick the universe’s pockets to give her as many of these happy moments as possible. She deserved them all.

 

“Six bells.” Kaz confirmed and before he knew what she was doing, she left a feather light kiss on his cheek. She’d checked to make sure no one would see around his office door, he realized.

 

Inej damn near ran from his office, Jesper only gave him a knowing smile before he followed her out of the Slat.

 

Kaz was left with a gloved hand pressed to his face. Inej had surprised him, she hadn’t asked with words or her eyes. For the first time she’d kissed him on the cheek without a second thought or warning.

 

Kaz’s mind was gloriously dry. Not a drop of water.

 

INEJ

 

            The wind whipped Inej’s face as she jumped the last rooftop before she’d be on the street to the Van Eck Mansion. Jesper was somewhere far below on the streets, probably a few blocks behind her. Inej hadn’t been able to wait for him, her heart hadn’t allowed it.

 

            Mama and Papa were here. Waiting for her. Inej felt like her veins were filled with the wind, making her lighter and faster.

 

            Inej finally dropped to the ground in the alley way and made her way across the street to the mansion. Inej paused for a moment outside the house, she made sure her shirt sat straight, re-braided her hair quickly. She knew her parents would say something about her blades strapped to her body, but they’d seen them before. Inej knew it was only because it was still a jarring thing for them to see.

 

            Their daughter, The wraith of Ketterdam and Captain of the True Sea.

 

            Inej took a deep breath and felt a smile move back to her lips before she opened the front door of the house.

 

 

            After many hugs and tears, Inej had spent several hours telling her parents all about her first voyage at sea after she’d dropped them off in Ravka. Wylan and Jesper had made themselves scarce, leaving Inej to pour tea for her parents in the Van Eck sitting room. Inej couldn’t believe they were here, she couldn’t believe that tonight she would eat dinner in the same room as all of the most important people to her. Except Nina, but Inej had her in her heart and told herself once more that she would surely hear from Nina soon. Inej sent her parents off for a much needed shower and few hours’ rest before dinner this evening, the last few days of sea travel had been taxing on them with rough seas and the cold of winter creeping in around Kerch.

 

            Inej busied herself with a bath and unpacking a few of her laundered clothes, though, she wondered, how many she would actually leave in her room here now. Inej had every intent on bringing more of them to the Slat, even if she had to cram them into her drawer in Kaz’s dresser. The thought brought a smile to her face every time.

 

 It was nearing five bells and Inej was digging through her clothes; trying to decide on what to wear, if she’d wear one of her silk tops, when she heard a soft knock at her door.

 

“Come in,” Inej said and she turned to see Mama in the door way clutching a small bundle of cloth. Inej was struck with how well her mother was aging, her parents had been young when they had Inej, only twenty, but Sharya Ghafa looked barely a day over thirty despite pushing forty. Inej hoped she would age half as well as Mama. Her mother had the same perfect posture as Inej as well as the same lithe frame, but her mother was an inch or two taller than herself. Her mother looked much more rested, and clean. Her ebony hair was as long as Inej’s but she tended to keep it up in a bun high on her head. Her nose diamond always sparkled against her clear bronze complexion.

 

Inej remembered being small and always asking Mama when she could have her own nose pierced, Mama had let her have it done when she was thirteen. Inej wished she had a ring or diamond to put in now. Her piercing was still there, but she had not worn it since she left the Menagerie. Occasionally, Inej had put in a simple ring while she slept at the Slat in her time with the Dregs, just to make sure it never closed up. It hadn’t, Inej still had it even now. Inej had never worn it in public once she became the wraith. It would have been something that could catch the light in the shadows Inej was trying to become. It was too much of a risk.

 

“How are you, daughter?” Mama asked in suli. Inej felt a smile creep on her lips. It was nice to speak in her native language after strictly using kerch most of the time, with the occasional ravkan on her ship.

 

“Well, Mama.” Inej responded in suli as well. Both of her parents knew kerch fairly well, not quite as much as Inej, but it had been a useful language to know when they traveled to perform. Kerch was a common tongue that was used in almost all port cities in some capacity. Inej had learned kerch from them as well, but Inej hadn’t learned to read kerch until she joined the Dregs.

 

Kaz had tasked her with learning to read kerch so she could obtain information and comparatively leave him notes in a language he understood. Inej had succeeded, after some trial and error. Once, Inej had meant to leave Kaz a note that read “The mark will be out of Ketterdam from Tuesday to Sunday.” Instead, she’d written “The mark will be dead in Ketterdam from Tuesday to Sunday.” It was the first time she’d heard Kaz really laugh. Inej felt a flutter in her stomach at the memory.

 

“I brought you something.” Mama smiled and placed the bundle she’d been holding on the bed, the afternoon sunlight caught on the violet silk sash she was wearing across a long sleeved black shirt. Her mother was wearing black pants that cut off at the calves as well. They were the athletic material Inej was very familiar with. It was sweat wicking, perfect for acrobatics. Silks consisted of half of her mother’s wardrobe, the other half was clothes meant for the sky.

           

            Inej smiled and dropped the clothes she’d been holding and walked to stand beside her mother near the bed. Mama gestured with a delicate hand to open the cloth wrapped around the bundle. Inej untied the knot and felt her breath hitch.

 

            On the bed before her was a new silk top, a deep crimson color that reminded Inej of both blood and her favorite red kvas. It was in the same style as her others, it would sash around her chest and cut off just below her navel, one end would tie and hang over a shoulder, leaving the other bare. Underneath the top, was a bottom to the ensemble. Inej almost groaned, thinking her mother would want her to wear the traditional skirt, but then Inej noticed.

 

These were silk pants. Her mother had gotten pants made for her in silk. Inej wanted to cry. Inej had protested skirts her entire life, much to her mother and grandmother’s dismay. Her mother had come around.

 

Inej held them up and felt her mother’s gaze on her. The pants were the same color as the top, but form fitting and high waisted, they would land on the top of her hips right where Inej’s normal leggings would. They flared out at the bottom, giving the fabric some of the movement a skirt would without limiting movement.

 

“Mama this is beautiful. Thank you so much. It’s perfect.” Inej whispered in suli and looked to her mother who was beaming next to her.

 

“You are beautiful, you deserve to wear your culture how you wish. I should have conceded to this battle with you sooner.” Mama muttered and reached out a hand to tuck a stray strand of hair behind Inej’s hair. Inej smiled and moved to change into the new silks.

 

Inej felt Mama’s gaze on her as she laid her blades in order on the dresser, but she said nothing. Inej went to the bathroom and changed, the silk felt soft and rich and real on her skin. It was nothing like the cheap costume that she’d worn at the Menagerie. Inej hadn’t worn this much silk since before she’d been abducted and she had been worried she wouldn’t be able to handle it. Something about Mama’s presence though, lent Inej courage. It made the silk feel luxurious instead of trapping.

 

Inej exited the bathroom to find her mother sitting on her bed. She stood immediately and clapped a hand over her mouth.

 

“My girl you look divine.” Sharya Ghafa said and Inej beamed back at her when she moved to stand in front of the mirror on the door of her wardrobe. Inej felt powerful, strong, beautiful. Inej had felt glimpses of this moment when she’d worn silk on both her returning night to Ketterdam after maiden voyage and the night before she’d left; but neither of those times compared to this. The silk fit her like a glove and accentuated her features and form. Inej felt like she could take on the world, without even a blade on her person.

 

“Let me do your hair.” Mama said and clamped her hands on Inej’s shoulders and guided her to the stool in front of the vanity. Inej chuckled at her eagerness. Inej was happy to let her mother do her hair. The only other person who Inej had let touch her hair had been Kaz, the thought made her smile to herself as Mama undid her braid and ran a brush over the strands.

 

“You have always had perfect waves that are still smooth somehow.” Mama mused as she continued her work. Inej grinned.

 

“Your hair is straight but it is more cooperative. I always wanted yours when I was small.” Inej replied with a smile to her mother in the mirror before them.

 

“I think your hair was a gift from the Saints. It’s a testament to your time at sea, waves that are smooth and fair.” Mama whispered as she fanned Inej’s loose hair over her shoulders. Inej felt a flush bloom on her cheeks, she looked somewhat different than how she normally did. It wasn’t unpleasant. It was nice to leave her hair free.

 

“Coal for your eyes?” Mama asked. Inej froze. She had not worn any sort of liner on her eyes since the Menagerie. Inej pondered on the idea for a moment; did she really want to spend the rest of her life afraid of a cosmetic? She’d probably only ever wear it in the presence of those she felt most comfortable with, Inej wasn’t a makeup kind of girl to begin with. Inej decided that she could do this, she’d lean into Mama’s strength.

 

“If you have some. Only a little bit, please. I don’t… I haven’t worn it since…” Inej trailed off but her mother was already nodding. Inej appreciated her mother not asking further, Mama had always seemed to understand quickly. Inej watched as her mother produced the small black pencil from the pocket of her pants.

 

Inej fluttered her eyes shut and felt her mother’s delicate hand on her cheek, holding her steady as she lined Inej’s lashes very lightly.

 

When Inej opened her eyes, she was pleasantly surprised. She looked nothing like a lynx, no cat eyes in sight. Her lashes just looked slightly thicker and her eyes stood out just a little more. Inej found she liked it.

 

“One more thing, if you want.” Mama said and reached into her pocket once more. She brought out a small gold ring- a nose ring. Inej felt like crying, yet again. Inej hadn’t worn one in so long but her mother had thought of her, over and over again.

 

“Thank you, Mama. I love you.” Inej whispered as she slipped the ring into her piercing with hardly any trouble, using the mirror. Inej pulled back and she was surprised by her own reflection. It was strange because she still looked completely like herself, just polished in a way she hadn’t known she could still look. The ring in her nose glinted in the setting sun from the window across from them and Inej smiled and turned her head in the mirror, sending spots of light reflecting on the wall.

 

Inej felt proud of the girl she’d been, for surviving long enough to remember what it meant to be suli again.

 

            “When does your boy arrive?” Mama asked.

 

            “Six bells.” Inej muttered without thinking, still contemplating her reflection.

 

            “I knew it.” Mama chuckled.

 

            Damnit. Her mother had tricked her, so easily. Inej had just admitted Kaz was with her without even meaning to.

 

            “Mama!” Inej cried but Sharya Ghafa was already walking to the door, she paused and gave Inej a knowing smile.

 

            “I’m your mother, I know these things, daughter. I’ll see you downstairs for dinner in a few minutes.” Sharya Ghafa chuckled and left the room.

 

            Inej turned back to her reflection in the mirror with a smile on her face. Inej knew that the evening ahead was sure to be interesting. She still didn’t know how her mother had known about her and Kaz now. Inej knew she’d suspected before, but her mother couldn’t have possibly known how much had changed.  

 

            It was then that Inej saw it. Her letter from Kaz leaning against the mirror of the vanity, the one he’d sent to her on her first voyage. Inej had put it back out as she’d been unpacking. Part of the script on the letter was clearly visible under the fold of the paper.

 

            Come Home.

 

K. Brekker

 

            Sharya Ghafa should have been a spy, too. Inej decided that much with a shake of her head and a smile on her lips.

 

 

KAZ

 

            Kaz was early. Ten minutes before six bells. Kaz took a deep breath before he knocked on the door of the Van Eck mansion with the head of his cane. Kaz had worn his best suit, down to the cufflinks at his wrists.

 

He wasn’t nervous. He wasn’t. Why should he be? He’d met them before. It wasn’t any different. Only now he was committed to Inej and he wanted their acceptance of that fact.

 

Kaz was nervous.

           

            The maid, Elena, opened the door for Kaz with a smile and he entered the house and felt warmth sink back into his bones from the cold walk to the house. Kaz handed off his coat and hat to Elena and he heard Inej’s laugh from somewhere to his left, presumably the dining room. There was no one in the living room.

 

            “Dining room, sir.” Elena said as she turned to hang his things in the closet. Kaz nodded and began to walk through the living room. Kaz paused before he got to the doorway to the dining room, he’d see them once he rounded the corner. Kaz heard Jesper’s chuckle and a man’s voice that Kaz recognized as Inej’s father from within the room.

 

            Kaz took a steeling breath and straightened his tie for the third time since he’d walked onto the estate grounds.

 

            Get it together, Brekker.

 

            Kaz entered the dining room to see Jesper and Wylan at the table with glasses of wine already in hand, talking to Kahir Ghafa. Kahir was a man of about Kaz’s height, maybe two inches taller. He had a sharp jawline and dark short hair with an equally dark trimmed beard and moustache. He had skin perhaps a tone darker than Inej’s, he wore a navy dinner jacket over black pants. There was a silk pocket square in his jacket pocket that was a bright sky blue. Kaz took it all in, he was preparing for them to notice his presence.

 

            “Kaz, welcome!” Wylan exclaimed, blue eyes twinkling. Kaz nodded and Kahir turned to face him with a smile on his face.

 

            “Mr. Brekker, my daughter said you would join us. I hope you have been well.” Kahir said as he extended a hand for Kaz’s own. Kaz took his and shook it with gloved fingers. Kahir’s voice was deep and melodic, it reminded Kaz of a baritone singer he’d seen on the street once.

 

            “Yes, sir. Thank you. Welcome back to Ketterdam.” Kaz rasped, ignoring Jesper’s raised eyebrow at his use of the word “sir”.

 

            Kaz was about to sit down when he heard Inej’s laugh again. It caused him to look up to the kitchen door, it sounded as if her laugh had come from behind it. A moment later, Sharya Ghafa walked through the door and held it open behind her. Inej came in.

 

            Inej. Crimson silk. Inej with her nose piercing.Kaz remembered she’d had one in the Menagerie, he hadn’t seen it since. She looked stunning. The silk of her pants swished lightly as she walked through the doorway, it made her look like she was floating.

 

            Inej looked away from her mother then and saw Kaz. Kaz felt his breath hitch in his throat. He was frozen and standing next to the Van Eck table. Kaz couldn’t care less when Inej was here and looking at him like that; like she would like nothing more than to kiss him senseless the way he wanted to do the same to her.

 

            “Hello, Kaz.” Inej said.

 

            “Inej.” It was the only word that his mouth seemed to remember.

 

            Inej smiled then, her eyes shining gold in the candlelight and her body clad in glimmering silk.  Kaz wondered if this was how people found religion; when you see something so beautiful that there’s no other way it could exist unless it was designed by a greater force.

 

            If you exist, Saints, let me love her for the rest of my life. I’ll be a better man; I’ll spend every day earning that smile.

 

           

Chapter 35: A Glimpse of Magic

Summary:

A dinner and some truth.

Notes:

Chapter 35!

I'm so excited for this one! It was honestly just so fun to write, it both means a lot to me and made me just so happy. I sincerely hope you guys love it and let me know what you think down in the comments! All thoughts and feedback are welcomed and encouraged.

Thank you so much for every bit of support you guys have shown to this story, it means everything to me.

KAZ

 

            “Do you prefer kvas or amber spirits?” Kahir Ghafa asked Kaz when he finally gathered himself enough to sit down next to Inej across from Kahir and Sharya. Jesper was next to Kaz and Wylan at the head of the table beside him. Kaz watched as Inej’s father picked up both bottles from in front of him on the table, one bourbon, one kvas.

 

            “Amber, if I’m honest.” Kaz answered, his voice coming off rough even to his own ears. He tore his eyes off Inej and noticed both Wylan and Jesper barely containing chuckles surely at his expense, he’d all but frozen solid when he’d seen Inej. Sharya Ghafa had quirked her head at him slightly with a smile that seemed only to say “I know,” as she’d taken her seat beside her husband. Kaz had seen that same expression on Inej’s face a hundred times. Kaz found gratitude for his pale skin that did not flush easily.

 

            “Thank the Saints. That makes two of us.” Kahir chuckled and Kaz couldn’t help but smile when Kahir handed him a tumbler of bourbon.

 

            “I like both!” Inej mumbled from beside him.

 

            “You make a face every time you drink bourbon.” Kaz said and it earned him a laugh from Sharya.

 

            “It’s true!” Jesper piped up, while he swirled kvas around in his glass.

 

            “It’s fine, my girl. We shall drink our sweet wine and actually enjoy the taste.” Sharya said and Inej beamed at her mother. The two suli women picked up their drinks and clinked them across the table and both took healthy swigs of the sugary wine. Kahir threw his eyes heavenward before he looked to Kaz.

 

            “Now you will experience something truly terrifying.” Kahir mumbled to Kaz with a conspiratorial smirk. Kaz wasn’t sure what he meant.

 

            “When those two put alcohol and attitude together, nothing will save us.” Kahir gestured with a dark hand to his wife and daughter and Kaz felt a grin slip onto his face without his permission. Sharya huffed in Kahir’s direction and it was so much like Inej that Kaz chuckled.

 

            “We do not have attitudes, Papa.” Inej mumbled with another sip of kvas.

 

            “Inej, you have an attitude. We’ve all seen it.” Jesper chuckled as he watched the exchange. Wylan was smiling as well.  

 

            “I do not want to hear it, Jes. I’m a delight.” Inej smiled a wicked little grin.

 

            “Will your mother be joining us, Wylan?” Sharya asked their ginger friend. Wylan’s blue eyes seemed to dim a bit under the question’s spotlight.

 

            “No… she has good and bad days. I apologize.” Wylan said softly and Kaz saw Jesper squeeze his hand on the table.

 

            “Nonsense. We all have good and bad days, there is nothing to apologize for. Marya deserves her rest. If she needs anything, let us know. Vishra se samti hei.” Sharya responded, her voice reminded Kaz of water, in a good way. Her voice was smooth and flowing. It was like Inej’s, but still different. Inej’s voice reminded him of honey, smooth but thicker somehow. A true combination of her parent’s tones.

 

            “What does that mean?” Wylan asked with a soft smile.

 

            “Rest brings us the peace we need.” Inej answered in her mother’s stead. Kaz noticed her hand waiting for him on the table. Kaz felt a flutter in his stomach, he was wearing gloves tonight. He wasn’t sure if Inej would mind. It was because Kaz didn’t want to risk shaking her father’s hand or brushing her mother in passing and not being able to handle it. Kaz could touch Inej now, at least some of the time. Her hands were safe now, Kaz didn’t have to think before he touched her hands anymore, he knew every callous and scar and bump of her knuckles like his own. Kaz could kiss her now, but it was very new. Kaz didn’t think he’d be able to touch another person. His demons had only just begun to recognize Inej as safe.

 

            Kaz refused to drown in front of Inej’s parents. That shame would be too much for him to bare.

 

            Something in Kaz told him that Inej would not have offered if she minded. Kaz set his hand in hers and her bronze fingers intertwined with his leather clad ones.

 

            “Pay up, Kahir.” Sharya Ghafa said to her husband with a grin.

 

            “For what, Mama?” Inej questioned.

 

            “Avri’s.” Sharya gestured to Kaz and Inej’s clasped hands on the table. Kaz heard Jesper chuckle, even though the zemini did not know what the word meant, he clearly understood well enough.

 

            Inej’s jaw dropped open a bit and Kahir Ghafa laughed a booming laugh.

 

            “Mama! You did not bet with Papa about my relationship. Tell me you didn’t.” Inej cried with a shake of her head, her mouth betrayed her amusement with a disbelieving smirk. Kaz felt anxiousness in his gut, he couldn’t tell if her mother was pleased with Inej’s choice in him. She was smiling but Kaz still wasn’t positive. He began to pull his hand away from Inej but stopped the moment Inej squeezed gently. It was encouragement to stay the current course.

            “Of course I did, you looked at him like you loved him when we first met him.” Sharya said to her daughter and Kaz turned his head to see Inej’s skin flush brighter than he’d ever seen. Kaz couldn’t believe it, he didn’t understand. Inej had looked at him like that and he hadn’t been able to tell? Inej had felt as strongly about him then? It made all the anxiety in his shoulders drain, he wanted to kiss Inej again.

 

            Kaz decided he liked the Ghafa’s very much.

 

            “I respect a bet with good outcomes.” Kaz found himself saying and Inej snapped her head to him with a glare that was filled with false ire. Her eyes told him she felt nothing but amusement despite her show. The joke earned him a laugh from everyone else at the table. It was new, making people laugh. Kaz didn’t comprehend how he was here.

 

            Kaz was making jokes with Inej’s parents. Inej’s hand was in his. Jesper and Wylan were here. He was about to have dinner in a mansion he frequented regularly. Tonight he’d lay down beside Inej and hold her when he did. Kaz Brekker had never imagined this outcome on the gamble he made on a suli girl in the dim light of hell itself.

 

Inej had gone from lynx to spider to wraith to captain to love of his saints-damned life.

           

Kaz listened as Jesper and Wylan talked to Inej’s parents about the college they were building, Inej was brushing her thumb along his wrist under his glove. It was sending shivers down his spine in a delightful rhythm.

 

Soon, dinner was brought out by the Van Eck kitchen staff. Wylan had asked them to make steak and vegetables; Kaz realized he hadn’t eaten since dinner with Inej the night prior. All afternoon he’d been anxious for this very meal. He’d managed to work the numbers he needed to go over, he even managed to get a different dealer lined up in place of himself tonight at the Club. He knew he’d need to spend the weekend paying extra close attention to the club and staff. Kaz had been scarce the past few days since Inej returned; he didn’t need the staff getting cocky and skimming, thinking they’d get away with it in Kaz’s absence. Kaz also had a heist to plan.

 

Kaz ate and listened to Inej tell her parents about some of the people she’d rescued, she remembered every single name. She knew all of their stories.

 

How could someone so good love someone so terrible?

 

“So, Kaz, are you from Ketterdam?” Kahir asked with a sip of bourbon as they were all finishing their meal. Kaz felt a gust of anxiety blow down his throat. He swallowed. Jesper and Wylan would expect the answer he’d always given: “Yes, Ketterdam”. Inej knew the truth. Kaz had only ever shared the truth with Inej. Kaz knew without a doubt he could trust Jesper and Wylan, and he knew the Ghafa’s were just trying to get to know him, like any parent would do. Kaz felt Inej’s hand on his knee under the table, a gentle squeeze. The same thing he’d done for her before. Kaz knew what it was meant to convey. Inej wanted him to make his own choice. Inej would not judge him if he told them the same answer he’d always given. Kaz didn’t want to do that now. Kaz wanted… he wanted to be himself in the face of Inej’s parents. He wouldn’t be able to elaborate, but Kaz wanted to give them this little bit of truth. Kaz felt every single instinct within him kick and rail against the idea, though. Kaz almost heard Jordie’s voice at his ear, telling him to lie.

 

I can’t. I want to deserve their daughter. I want… I want to tell them the truth, Jordie. Let me share this small truth. Let me live. Don’t make me die a little more with you.

 

Kaz took a moment to swallow down the cowardice coating his throat like syrup.

 

“No. I’m from a small farming town called Lij, about seven hours from here.” Kaz said softly. Jesper choked on kvas. He recovered quickly with a mumbled “sorry excuse me” and Wylan patted him on the back. Kaz knew it would shock Jesper perhaps the most, given that Jesper himself had grown up on a farm in Noyvi Zem. Kaz and Jesper had very similar childhoods in that small regard. Inej’s hand was brushing along the outside of his thigh in soothing circles. Kaz focused on that motion until he was able to meet Kahir’s gaze.

 

“Interesting, must mean you learned to work hard young.” Kahir smiled and Kaz managed to nod. Inej’s father was not pressing him, Kaz was grateful.

 

“Is the Kerch countryside nice? We spend much of our time outside the cities in Ravka, but equally as much time in the countryside.” Sharya asked as she refilled her wine glass.

 

“It is. It’s actually much more green than you’d expect if you’ve only seen Ketterdam.” Kaz answered honestly and he looked to Inej who was smiling a soft smile, her face turned directly to him.

 

Kaz would keep answering honestly for as long as he could if Inej would keep smiling at him so contentedly.

 

“I’d like to see it sometime; do you have family to speak of still in those parts?” Kahir asked. Kaz could feel Jesper and Wylan’s eyes on him. They would ask later, Kaz was sure of it. The beginnings of a headache stretched in his skull at just the thought of that conversation. He was still Kaz Brekker, no matter if he’d improved with many things. “Openness” was still not a part of his basic chemical make-up. Kaz didn’t think it ever would be.

 

“No, can’t say I do.” Kaz answered and took a sip of liquid courage.

 

Sharya nodded before she tilted her head to Inej.

 

“I made sweet bread this afternoon instead of resting. I hope you don’t mind I borrowed your kitchen, Wylan.” Sharya said sweetly. Wylan shook his head but before he could say anything, Inej spoke up.

 

“You did? Wait, do I have to share it?” Inej had a brilliant smile on her face and Kaz saw her do a slight bounce of glee in her seat.

 

Inej looked like she’d sell her soul for this sweet bread. Kaz wondered if he’d ever earn such a look from Inej. He hoped she’d look at him the way she looked at the sheer mention of her favorite dessert, someday.

 

“Yes, you do.” Sharya said with a slight glare in her daughter’s direction, trying desperately to pull off a stern parent look. Kaz muffled a chuckle and felt a stab of a foot in his calf when Sharya stood to go to the kitchen to retrieve the dessert.

 

“Ouch.” Kaz mumbled and he rolled his eyes when Inej let out a frustrated huff, whether to himself or her mother- he wasn’t sure.

 

“One thing you should know, Mr. Brekker: never let my daughter cook for you. It will result in your city in embers.” Kahir chided.

 

“Joke is on you, Papa. I already told him that.” Inej grumbled and Kaz noted an embarrassed flush creeping along her collarbones.

 

“She told me that she is a true tragedy in a kitchen.” Kaz confirmed and Jesper chuckled.

 

“Probably not as bad as Wylan, he can’t manage toast without burning it.” Jesper added.

 

“It was one time!” Wylan exclaimed, his cheeks already as red as his hair. He proceeded to smack Jesper’s arm and Jesper only chuckled harder.

 

“Fine, I change my advice. Do not ever stand in the way of my daughter and sweet bread. You will be mauled to death and it is not a victorious way to go. I’ve come close a few times.” Kahir cautioned and Inej rolled her eyes.

 

“Not true. I would not kill you for standing in the way of the sweet bread. I’d kill you for not knowing me well enough not to in the first place.” Inej said to Kaz now.

 

“It will be my solemn vow to not stand in front of you and your desserts, Inej.” Kaz rasped and a grin took over his mouth.

 

“Smart man.” Kahir declared. Kaz felt like he was doing alright in her father’s eyes. Kahir turned and asked Jesper and Wylan how the Van Eck businesses were going. Kaz was lost in thought.

 

Kaz wondered how that could possibly be the case. Wasn’t he an awful choice for Inej on every count? Kaz couldn’t bring himself to care when Inej reached for his hand once more and she squeezed, she wanted his attention. 

 

Kaz looked to Inej and he didn’t understand what he saw in her face. There was a private sort of happiness in her eyes that she’d only wanted to share with him. It looked like pride. Kaz realized suddenly that Inej was proud to be sitting with him in front of her parents and their friends.

 

            For a moment, Kaz wondered how it would ever be possible to see the world in the same shade of gray he’d once seen it in. Kaz had seen color now; Kaz had seen the magic he believed in as a boy.

 

Magic was bronze skin and crimson silk and chocolate eyes that held love and pride and violence and tenderness within them all at once.

 

INEJ

 

            Inej watched as Kaz laughed with Jesper over the way Wylan cracked his knuckles before he began to play the piano. Inej felt like her heart would burst, there was surely no words to describe this amount of happiness within her. Her parents were sitting on the sofa across from her, Kaz was next to her and so was Jesper. They’d eaten sweet bread and retired to the music room of the Van Eck mansion after her father had basically begged Wylan to play them something. Her father loved hearing Wylan play, he’d heard him the first time they’d been in Ketterdam and never tired of it. Wylan had hardly needed any convincing to play for them, his blue eyes lit up at the briefest mention of music.

 

A soft melody filled the room as Wylan tapped the keys.

 

“Family dinner in that ravkan restaurant you took us to last time? I haven’t forgotten the soup I had the last time.” Papa said from across Inej.

 

“Of course we’ll go. We have a full two weeks with you here.” Inej said happily.

 

“You too, Kaz.” Mama added and Inej saw the words hit Kaz. Her father had said family dinner. That now included Kaz, he was her avri. Her parents would include him as family from now on. It was the suli way; avri meant partner in life. Marriage did not precede Kaz’s inclusion in her family; in her culture, he would be considered family until she did not wish it so. Inej didn’t think that would ever happen, Inej had chosen Kaz.

 

Inej would never stop choosing Kaz. Her spirit had found its match.

 

“I wouldn’t intrude.” Kaz rasped, Inej felt that he was tense beside her.

 

“Kaz, it’s not intrusion.” Inej mumbled. Kaz turned to her then, she told him without words. She willed her eyes to show him the truth, he seemed to understand that she wanted him there. His eyes showed a tentative “okay.”

 

“Inej is right. Besides, I should at least try to intimidate you. What type of a father would I be if I did not?” Papa added. This caused Kaz’s lips to quirk up. Inej wanted to kiss him. It shouldn’t be so damn hard to concentrate but when Kaz smirked like that, Inej wanted to taste that crooked smile she loved so much.

 

“I won’t deny you that right, then.” Kaz replied. Papa laughed and Mama smiled. Inej didn’t think she’d ever loved Kaz more than when he made her parents smile. He’d done it on more than one occasion, too. Inej found herself moving closer to Kaz, to her surprise, he lifted his arm and she pressed into his side. It was so natural, Kaz hadn’t thought of it. Granted, their skin did not touch, but that wasn’t why the gesture had surprised Inej this time. It was because it was such a loving movement, and in front of her parents and friends. Inej inhaled the cinnamon and bourbon scent of him and rested her head against him. Inej did not miss her mother’s smile. It was a smile that said only “I’m happy for you.”

 

Inej listened as her father requested songs from Wylan that he might know and her mother hummed along. Kaz had actually fallen into conversation with her father at one point when he’d inquired about business in Kaz’s life. Inej knew Kaz would not speak of the Dregs, despite that her parents knew who he was; Inej was glad. Their line of work was unorthodox and Inej didn’t want her parents to worry more than necessary for her. Inej heard him talk about the expansion to the Crow Club instead and specifics of the construction, Jesper and Wylan joined in too. Inej felt tiredness creeping up on her, Kaz’s side was her pillow that kept her warm. She felt him laugh beneath her and she let the rhythm of his breathing soothe her. She did not mean to fall asleep.

 

“Inej.” Kaz whispered to her. She was sleepily aware he was trying to wake her.

 

“Mmm,” she hummed.

 

“Bed.” Kaz said in response and Inej cracked her eyes open to see Kaz looking down at her, she had positioned herself in her sleep to have her head resting on his knee, she must have stretched out on the sofa. It was a pleasant place to wake up, Inej decided. Inej sat up and looked around the room, her parents were gone, she must have been asleep for a while. Kaz sensed her unasked question.

 

“Just went up to bed a minute ago, I told them I’d wake you.” Kaz said softly.

 

“You even snore small, it’s hilarious.” Jesper joked from by the piano, Wylan was leaning into his side and Inej could tell Wylan was as tired as she was.

 

“I do not snore.” Inej mumbled but she saw Kaz turn his face from her.

 

“Do I?” Inej asked and Kaz grinned slightly in confirmation of her fears.

 

“I said you snore small. Implies quiet. But you do, Wraith.” Jesper chuckled.

 

“Saints, why do I even care,” Inej muttered but a smile perked up her lips.

 

Inej stood and Kaz did too. Kaz reached for his cane and Inej felt a flutter in her stomach when he made no move to the door. Kaz was staying with her.

 

Inej said her goodnights to Jesper and Wylan before she turned to the staircase to make her way up to her room. Kaz was beside her, she matched his steps easily.

 

Kaz paused once they reached the second floor landing, he grabbed her arm gently to turn her to him, his eyes meeting hers. Inej was surprised when he pulled her close, he wrapped both arms around her gently.

 

“I love you, mera nadra.” Kaz’s stony whisper hit her ear, his breath warm. Inej felt a shiver run down her spine before he pulled away.

 

“What was that for?” Inej smiled.

 

“I wanted to tell you from the moment I saw you tonight.” Kaz said. Inej saw the honesty in his eyes.  

 

Kaz may have worn armor on his hands tonight, but there was none around his heart.

 

Chapter 36: A Silent Battle

Summary:

Inej's demons pay her a visit.

Notes:

Chapter 36! Sorry for the late upload, everyone! I got busy yesterday and didn't have time to revise. I hope you guys love it! This one is definitely more angsty, and also a warning that it deals heavily with Inej's past and trauma. So just a quick warning in case anyone needs it. It's also a shorter one, but it was a chapter I really felt was important to include so i hope you guys like it. Thank you so much for the support on this story- as always drop a comment with what you think! I love reading them and talking to you guys. Thanks again!

INEJ

 

            Vanilla so strong it churned her stomach. Cold and scratchy silk sheets, wet from sweat.

 

            He’d pulled her hair; her scalp burned it had been so hard.

 

            He was coming back to the bed; her eyes focused on the canopy above.

 

            The bed dipped under his weight.

 

            “Will you cry, little lynx?” his guttural voice rambled directly against her ear. His breath sickeningly hot, his mustache scratched her temple.

 

            “No.” a broken whisper came from her bruised lips.

 

            “We’ll fix that.” Vileness incarnate growled from above her.

 

            She tried to scream, only a whimper came out.

 

            She was dying slowly.

 

 

 

            It was going to happen; she was going to be sick. Inej threw the sheets off her body and jumped from the bed in a flurry. Her insides were twisting and her body felt slick and cold with sweat, Kaz’s shirt stuck to her middle awkwardly as she crashed to the bathroom floor in the Van Eck mansion. Inej had barely managed to kick the door shut behind her, it was a foolish hope that Kaz wouldn’t wake and see this. See her deepest darkest demons that haunted her sleep and forced her to empty the contents of her stomach and clutch the porcelain so hard she thought it would surely crack beneath her white knuckles.

 

Inej’s demons had been scarce, tonight they visited her once more.

 

Just when she thought she was done, she wasn’t. Surely her body had no contents left to hurl. His face was burned into her mind; she could feel the disgusting tickle of his facial hair at the back of her neck. Inej couldn’t breathe. She rubbed furiously at her face, trying to get the pieces of hair sticking to the sweat of her brow out of her way. Her heart wouldn’t slow down and her mind wouldn’t catch up.

 

            You’re not there anymore. You’re not there anymore. You’re not there anymore.

 

            Another wretch into the toilet.

 

            Vanilla filled her nostrils so strongly that she thought she’d never want an ounce of sugar again.

 

You got out. You got out. You got out.

 

Inej tried to get her breath to slow, she was hyperventilating. Her ribs felt like they were on fire, her stomach twisted again. Tears were marching down her cheeks in a war path. The clothing stuck to her skin uncomfortably and her limbs were shaking.

 

He can’t touch you. He can’t touch you. He can’t touch you.

 

Inej folded in, she wanted to vanish. It was a dream, it felt real. It felt so real she couldn’t breathe.

 

A tidal wave of nausea rolled over all her organs, she felt phantom hands grabbing her hips and binding her hands to her sides. She barely made the six-inch crawl back to the toilet before hurling again. It was a panic so acute her body no longer recognized the dream.

 

You have to survive to see the sun again, to chase the stars and ride the wind on the sea. Don’t you want to see your moon again?

 

Kaz. Kaz. Kaz. Kaz got you out. He gave you a knife. You can protect yourself. You’re a lynx with claws.

 

Her breath wouldn’t slow down.

 

Fire was all that was left emanating from her throat, she couldn’t stop retching.

 

 

KAZ

 

            Something is wrong. Kaz felt it in his sleep, he shot up in the bed. His mind was hazy from sleep but it was the dull buzz in his bones that woke him. It took him a moment to recognize Inej’s bedroom at the Van Eck mansion. Inej. Kaz turned to her side of the bed, the sheets were a mess and half hanging on the floor. Then he heard her. Inej was puking? Coughing? Kaz swung his legs off the bed, was Inej sick? Kaz couldn’t imagine she’d gotten food poisoning from the dinner they’d all had with her parents earlier that night, he’d had the same meal and felt fine.

 

            Inej isn’t okay. He feltit in his flesh and bones. A dull whimper sounded from the bathroom.

 

            Kaz stood up immediately and reached for his cane. His leg was stiff from sleep. He winced slightly but he limped as quickly as possible to the closed bathroom door, ignoring his angry limb’s protests.

 

            “Inej?” Kaz asked softly as he knocked on the door. No answer.

 

            “Inej?” He tried again, a little louder. No answer. Kaz felt anxiousness rising in his gut. She wasn’t puking anymore, he pressed his ear closer to the door. He heard her shaky breaths, they were coming way too fast. Inej was hyperventilating. Kaz knew the sound well. He didn’t want to open the door without her permission but a voice within him screamed and thrashed.

 

            Go to her. Go. Now. Inej is not okay. Your girl is in there and she needs you.

 

            Kaz tried the handle, the door pushed open easily. There was no light on in the bathroom, the only light was from the moonlight filtering in from the small window above the bathtub.

 

            Inej. Inej crying. Inej on the floor and folded so awkwardly it had to be uncomfortable. Kaz leaned his cane against the counter quickly, her breathing was so fast, her eyes were squeezed shut and her face was slick with sweat. Kaz felt like someone hammered a nail into his sternum.

 

            Kaz dropped to the floor on his knees only a foot away from her. He had to calm her, she needed to breathe.

 

            “Inej, Inej love, listen to me. Take a breath with me.” Kaz pleaded but she couldn’t hear him from whatever place she was in within her own mind.

 

He wanted to touch her, he wouldn’t. Kaz knew what a panic attack looked like.

 

            “Mera nadra, you need to breathe. Listen to my breath. It’s me, it’s Kaz. Just try a breath with me,” Kaz whispered, forcing his own anxiety down. He threaded confidence and what he hoped came off as gentleness into each word. Inej must have heard something now, when he’d used her suli nickname. Her eyes opened and her pupils were so wide that her eyes looked black. They were filled with a fear that Kaz had never seen in Inej; not in the face of certain death by a blade, a bullet. Not when she’d seen Charles Hester’s basement prison.

 

            Kaz never wanted her to look this afraid again. Kaz wanted to torture every single person who had contributed to the pain he saw in her irises. Kaz wanted to kiss away every single memory of evil that marred her perfect bronze skin.

 

Kaz took a deep breath and Inej’s eyes locked on his and she tried to replicate it, her chest shook and her lips quivered. Tears were running down her cheeks silently. Kaz repeated his breath, keeping his hands where she could see them, folded on his knees.

 

“Again.” Kaz rasped and Inej finally was able to take a full and deep breath, her arms wrapped so tightly around her knees he thought she might leave bruises on her own legs.

 

“One more.” Kaz took a deep breath with her, exhaling and watching her repeat the motion.

 

Inej was shaking but her eyes were on his and he thought he saw recognition register behind her eyes, finally.

 

“Kaz.” It was a broken and tired whisper that seemed to fall from her lips.

 

“I’m here. We’re here together, safe. In the bathroom at Wylan and Jesper’s house.” Kaz reassured her, hoping that the word “safe” would register in her state. Kaz knew what it was like to be unreachable, granted, no one had ever come close enough to him in recent years to try and reach him while he panicked. Kaz had been in a state like this many times, unable to recognize even his own room in the attic at the Slat.

 

“You got me out.” Inej whispered, her voice cracked. Kaz saw it then, exactly where she’d been in her mind. She’d been back at the Menagerie, her own personal brand of hell. Kaz didn’t know what had triggered her demons, they hadn’t even been touching in the bed when they’d fallen asleep. They’d fallen asleep facing each other- talking without words.

 

“I’ll always get you out Inej, I’ll always come for you.” Kaz whispered back, he couldn’t stand it. He couldn’t see her suffer this hell again, she had to know he was here. She would never go back to the Menagerie.

 

Charles Hester had limited days. Dirtyhands was going on the hunt for retribution.

 

“Knives drawn?” Inej asked, her eyes tracing his face as if she wanted to remember him if she sunk back into the pit of despair bubbling to a boil in her mind. Kaz wouldn’t let her sink back down. He’d hold her up if it was the last thing he did.

 

“Pistols blazing.” Kaz voiced confidently.

 

Kaz hadn’t expected her demons to take first blood against their peaceful nights sleeping beside each other. Kaz always assumed his ghosts would strike first and with a vengeance.

 

Kaz also hadn’t expected her nightmares to make an appearance after an evening like the one they’d had. He didn’t think he’d ever seen so much happiness in one place as when he’d laid down beside Inej hours before.

 

Inej’s eyes had been so bright, Kaz had wondered how it was possible his shadowed self hadn’t disintegrated under the shine.

 

“Please stay.” Inej croaked out, her hold on her legs slightly loosening. Her eyes fell to the floor somewhere beside Kaz, tears still silently creeping along her skin. Kaz was confused for a moment before he realized that this is what Inej had been afraid of him seeing, the same way he’d questioned over and over again how he’d handle it if he woke from a nightmare beside her. This is what Inej considered to be her shame. Inej was afraid he’d see this and leave. The ridiculousness of it would have made him laugh in any other situation. Inej was far too good for him; not the other way around.

 

 Kaz didn’t think there was a single part of him that had ever loved her more than in that moment on the bathroom floor.

 

There was nothing about Inej that was not stronger for everything she’d endured. Kaz felt much the same about himself, even if he hated it. Inej would not be rid of him because her demons threw a tantrum. Kaz would beat them to hell with every peaceful night they succeeded in sharing together.

 

“I’m not going anywhere.” Kaz wanted to tilt her chin up to him, make her see the truth in his eyes, but he wouldn’t touch her until she asked him to.

 

“Do you promise?” Inej asked quietly, he saw her shoulders tense in preparation for his answer; she was still not fully here. She was breathing deeply, her eyes unfocused.

 

Inej was still climbing out of hell, reaching for him.

 

“I promise, Inej. Etma se saman.” Kaz answered. He hoped hearing the words in suli would help, no one in the Menagerie had known her language. It was proof to her subconscious that she was no longer there.

 

            Inej nodded once and her eyes met his, her pupils were slightly less wide. She was fighting her way back to him silently.

 

            “I need a shower.” Inej whispered. Kaz nodded and used the counter behind him to stand. He reached into the shower and started the water for her, testing it with his hand to make sure it was warming. He turned back to Inej and offered her his hand to help her up. Inej observed his hand for a moment before she unfolded herself and gently placed her own palm in his. Kaz pulled her up slowly.

 

            Kaz turned to leave and let her shower, trusting she would want him as far away from her bare skin as possible after what her nightmare surely held.

 

            “Can you… Can you stay?” Inej asked softly from behind him. Kaz froze at the tone she used, it sounded fearful. It sounded like she was unsure. 

 

She might fall apart if he left, she might fall apart if he stayed.

 

Kaz turned back to her, she was twisting her hands in front of herself. Inej didn’t want him to refuse her. Kaz wouldn’t.

 

“Yes.” Kaz rasped and she flicked her gaze to his with a small nod. For a moment, they stared at each other. Kaz said “I love you” a hundred times over in his head, willing it to reflect in his eyes. Inej said “stay, please,” with her own look. Inej reached a hand up and unbuttoned the top button of the shirt she was wearing. Her eyes didn’t leave his.

 

Kaz wanted to turn away. Kaz did not want to turn away. Her eyes held him frozen where he was.

 

Inej undid the next button, then the next. He didn’t let his eyes leave hers. Kaz wasn’t sure why Inej had chosen this moment to begin undressing in front of him, but he would let her do as she wished, what she was comfortable with. He would not look without her permission in words or action.

Kaz suspected this was Inej’s personal revenge on her demons, she was claiming ownership of her own flesh again.

 

“Can you turn around?” Inej asked softly. Kaz did as she wished, Inej had gone as far as she wanted to or could. He just wanted her to come back to him, fully, from that dark place within herself.

 

A moment later, Kaz heard the drop of clothing on the ground behind him.

 

“Can I touch you? Don’t turn around.” Inej was directly behind him now. Of course he hadn’t heard her move, even on the tile floors of the bathroom. Kaz swallowed, he was fully clothed, he trusted her. It was hard not to turn around and see her eyes. Kaz knew Inej would not touch his skin with his back turned to her. He found himself nodding just once, his eyes focused on the door handle in front of him.

 

Inej’s bare-arms wrapped around his middle, she was hugging him from behind. Kaz desperately tried to ignore the fact that there was only the thin material of his shirt between his back and her naked chest. He felt the brush of her breasts on his lower back and swallowed once more. He would not let this moment be anything than what it was- a victory for Inej. She was bare and in the same room as him- without even bathwater to cover her. She was touching him on her own free will. She was winning a battle against her past.

 

It struck Kaz then, just how much Inej trusted him. Trusted him not to turn around, trusted him not to turn his head to look in the mirror above the counter. Trusted him with all of her, with only his back turned.

 

He’d never betray that trust.

 

Kaz tentatively raised a hand and placed it on her wrist in front of him. He felt her head lean into his back.

 

“I love you.” her whisper sounded against his shirt from behind him.

 

Before Kaz could respond, Inej’s arms dropped from him and he heard the shower curtain pull open and close once more. Kaz turned around to see her clothes on the ground in a pile.

 

“Stay,” Inej said from under the shower water, clearly sensing his indecisiveness. Kaz felt a smile tilt his lips. Inej sounded more like herself already, and she wanted him here.

 

Inej had waged war and taken some small part of herself back from the past. In that moment, Kaz had never felt more certain that they’d be able to touch and love each other as they wished, someday. Kaz would fight his own battles as fiercely as Inej had fought tonight.

 

That’s what we do. We never stop fighting.

Chapter 37: The Arrow

Summary:

The arrow that spins.

Notes:

Chapter 37! YAY! Okay guys, this one is shorter, but I really wanted this scene to be it's own chapter because it's special to me, something I've been waiting to write. It's all Inej's perspective, but you'll understand why. As promised, this one is much lighter than the previous, so I hope you're excited! Ah so many things on the horizon- I can't wait! Anyways, thank you so so much for all of your support on this story, I say it every time because it means so much to me. Thank you.

As always, leave me a comment with any thoughts and feelings! I love reading what you guys are thinking and feeling, it always makes my day! Love you all!

INEJ

 

            “These are the best candied almonds I’ve ever had!” Kahir Ghafa said from beside Inej as they walked the docks in the late afternoon sun, bundled up against the light snow fluttering from the still bright sky.

 

            “I told you!” Inej smiled to her father. They’d decided to go on a walk so Inej could check on her ship and her father could spend some time with her. It had been two days since her parents first arrived and Inej could tell her father had been itching for an outing. Inej got much of her motivation from her father, he was always up before the sun back home with the caravans, whether it be training or working. Inej had offered for him to accompany her to the docks and he’d jumped at the opportunity. Inej had made sure they stopped at one of the street vendors selling her favorite candied almonds that were somehow extremely specific to Ketterdam, she’d not found their likeness anywhere else.

 

Kaz had stopped at the same vendor once, only a few months after Inej had joined the Dregs, and ever since Inej had been hooked. Kaz had given her a handful of his and it was one of the first times she’d seen Kaz smile not out of spite or sarcasm. She’d liked the sweets so much she had actually said “Ghezen bless Ketterdam.” Kaz had rolled his eyes but there was a small smile on his face.

 

Inej smiled at the memory as she popped another sweet into her mouth. Her father had the bag in his hand beside her and was tossing them back with equal fervor. Inej and her father paused once they came to the Goedmedbridge on their way back to the Van Eck estate. The sun was sinking, and standing at the Apex of the bridge, you could see all the way down to the harbor again. Some gondels were still rowing further down from the bridge, but Inej and her father were alone here. The water glinted in the setting sun and snow sparkled in its descent from the heavens.

 

Inej paused at the rail, momentarily caught up in a memory of geranium petals swirling around her just as the snow was now. Inej remembered thinking it was a sign from the Saints that the boy beside her would take the time to know her. How right she’d been.

 

“So when will you tell me?” Inej was shaken from her memories by her father’s deep voice beside her. Kahir was looking down over the water with Inej, she saw his smile in the reflection of the water below them.

 

“Tell you what, Papa?” Inej asked, not bothering to hide her confusion as she gripped the walk rail of the bridge.

 

“Does the boy know your favorite flower?” Kahir bumped Inej’s shoulder and Inej turned to him with a small smile; she had known this question was coming.

 

“Yes. He does.” Inej whispered, she could almost feel the drape of a Mr. Crimson cloak over her shoulders. Almost feel the relief she’d felt that day long ago at the sight of Kaz and his harsh lines, waiting for her at the other end of this same bridge.

 

That was before everything changed, before she and Kaz had begun to inch toward each other instead of farther away.

 

If Inej could go back to that moment now, she’d kiss him in the middle of that lavender petal rainstorm.

 

“Hmm. Why did your spirit choose him?” Kahir asked, his face turned upward to the last sunrays, casting his dark skin in a warm glow despite the temperature. Inej traced her father’s outline with her eyes, the jaw line so similar to hers, his soft yet striking cheekbones. Inej couldn’t imagine how she’d actually survived for years without seeing him. She wanted to make up for the time tenfold. Kahir Ghafa was the first man Inej had ever loved; he was her father and her best friend in one. Inej knew his question was not that of judgement, but of genuine curiosity. Inej already knew her father liked Kaz well enough, but he wished to know him better. He wished to know, genuinely, what Inej saw in Kaz. Kahir wanted Inej to tell him how she’d gotten here- helplessly in love with a crooked grinned-boy who ran a criminal empire yet somehow held her hand in front of her parents and called her father “sir”. Inej didn’t know what answer to give, but her spirit seemed to guide her mouth into words.

 

“He’s my moon.” Inej said simply, she knew she’d have to explain further, but it was the answer her heart demanded she give. Her father turned his face to her now, the sunlight charged his caramel eyes and seemed to set them alight, like the first brazen flicker of a match.

 

“Kaz… he’s different, Papa. I don’t mean that in some poetic way, either. Kaz and I are both different from those around us. Our gravity is different.” Inej paused and took a breath before looking back to her father. “Neither of us can be exactly who we would have been if terrible things hadn’t happened to us- and we wouldn’t want to be those people either. We’re stronger because of what happened to break us. His story is not mine to tell, but when I tell you he’s the strongest person I’ve ever met, Papa, I mean it. When I met Kaz, he told me the truth of what I’d be doing in the Dregs. He didn’t lie to me, trick me, or mislead me. Kaz gave me terrible truths, never kind lies. It comforted me because I’d been treated with nothing but lies and disregard for so long. I think that is when I realized I respected him, somehow.” Inej paused once more as she looked over to a gondel floating peacefully beneath them on the water, a woman and a small boy on board next to the rower. She felt her father’s gaze on her.

 

 “Kaz is my moon because he has the power to pull me from the depths of myself, without ever changing me, slowing me, or draining me. His lunar gravity pulls my tides back to shore, Papa. Seeing him smile feels like walking the high wire for the first time without a balancing stick.” Inej finished, feeling the truth of it all warm her chest. Kaz had dragged her back from the void within herself only two nights prior. Inej normally would be in that panicked state for hours when she was by herself- but with Kaz there, she’d come back.

 

His voice, his gravity, everything that was Kaz, it brought her back to the surface, back into her own body.

 

Inej dared a glance back to her father, she found him smiling, a wide toothy thing that Inej only saw when her father was truly beside himself with glee.

 

“You are young, Inej. But I know that does not matter. I met your mother when I was fifteen, younger than you by three years- and I knew even then I did not wish to be parted from her from that day forward, she was home. Have you gone home, daughter?” Kahir Ghafa asked in suli now. Inej smiled and she felt a snowflake melt on the tip of her nose.

 

“Yes, Papa. I’ve been home for some time now.” Inej whispered and her father turned his face back to the sky to watch the snowflakes.

 

“Then you must bring him back to the caravans. He has to prove he can handle all of us.” Kahir said with a smirk in Inej’s direction.

 

“He’s already offered.” Inej answered honestly, remembering how the night she’d spoken to Kaz of it, he’d kissed her wrist for the first time without drowning.  

 

“Hmm. It seems I will have to try harder.” Kahir said with a chuckle. Inej quirked her head in a silent question. He turned his gaze back to her and she saw amusement twinkle in his irises.

 

“To intimidate him, of course. Boss of a gang or not, he’s a nineteen-year old boy who has found the greatest treasure in the world: my daughter. Can’t have him feeling too welcome.” Papa laughed a musical thing.

 

“Papa! Do not harass him.” Inej tried to sound stern but giggles were bubbling in her throat.

 

“I will harass him just enough to make him know that I’m as much a force to be reckoned with as the girl I raised.” Kahir smiled deviously and Inej bumped her father’s shoulder with her own with a huff of false frustration.

 

“Do you approve of him?” Inej asked quietly.

 

If Inej was candid with herself, her parent’s opinions still mattered very much to her. She could not imagine the weight that would be on her shoulders if they did not approve of her avri. She already knew they liked him well enough, and felt a tremendous amount of gratitude to Kaz for the fact that he’d been the one to get her out of the Menagerie; no matter what circumstance he’d been able to bring her into. Anything was better than that hell, both in Inej’s eyes and her parent’s eyes.

 

“I wish to know him better. I won’t lie, Inej. He is a different sort of man than I would have imagined for my only daughter. But I can’t deny what I’ve seen. Rosha ko kareta hai, mera ke tarre.”

 

He ignites your eyes, my littlest star.

 

Inej smiled at the use of the nickname her father had given her when she was small enough to ride on his shoulders on their nightly treks in search of heaven on earth.

 

“Kaz takes… he takes time to open up.” Inej answered carefully. Inej had a hope Kaz would open up, at least some, to her parents. Inej didn’t disregard the weight of the fact that Kaz already had, he’d told her parents where he’d grown up. It had been something Inej had wished for but never expected and once again, Kaz had surprised her.

 

“I already knew that, daughter. You looked at him as if he hung every star you’d seen when you introduced him to us the first time; and yet he was only your friend in our introduction. I respect the grain of sand that grows into a mountain that reaches the Saint’s heavens.”

 

Inej smiled. That was how it had happened, hadn’t it? Inej and Kaz had started with a grain of sand that represented respect- they were still growing, reaching for the sky.

 

“He gave me my freedom and never thought I’d return.” Inej found herself voicing to her father and the water below them. Kaz had never quite said it, not with words anyhow. But Inej remembered how he’d looked at her, the first time she’d come back to Ketterdam, come back to him. His onyx and sepia irises had told her everything.

 

I didn’t think you’d come back.

 

“The heart is an arrow that demands aim to land true.” Kahir mumbled back to his daughter. Inej sensed he’d had a moment of realization, he wasn’t done.

 

“My daughter, what marks the direction of a compass?” Kahir turned to her with a smile on his lips, a slight flush from the cold on his cheeks. Inej noted a stray snowflake on his trimmed beard, already melting.

 

Inej understood then. An arrow marks the direction on a compass.

 

“Your arrow spins, my girl. It always has aim because you were born to travel between land and sea. Seems your avri understood that.” Kahir smiled.

 

Inej felt her heart swell, her hand came up to the pocket of her jacket where her compass from Kaz always rested. She took it out and she felt her father’s eyes on her once more.

 

“A gift from Kaz.” Inej said as she slipped the cover of the compass open. She knew her father saw the inscription on the inside of the lid, she heard him release a gentle laugh that sounded like disbelief and happiness in one.

 

Inej watched the arrow spin, it pointed due north. From where she stood, North was the exact direction of the Slat, to Kaz.

 

 Kaz was surely getting ready to head out to the rooftops above Vixen’s Garden. She was meeting him to stake out the place tonight, in hopes of gleaning information they desperately needed to take down Hester and Heleen and whomever the mysterious slave trade employer was.

 

            Tonight, the Wraith would work alongside Dirtyhands once more; only this time, their hands would clasp, high above their Crooked Kingdom of criminals, crowded chimneys, and the most daring souls you could ever encounter.

Chapter 38: The Job

Summary:

A stakeout with Dirtyhands and his Wraith.

Notes:

Chapter 38! Ah! Okay, this one is a lot of plot building but it was super fun to write honestly. I hope you guys love it and are excited for what is coming up! Thank you so much for every comment, kudos and read. It means the world and I won't stop telling you guys, because seriously, thank you so much.

Per usual, leave me a comment and let me know what you think and any thoughts or feelings you wanna share! Feedback is always welcome. Thank you again!

KAZ

 

            Kaz had settled onto the rooftop about ten minutes’ prior. He was across the street from the Vixen’s Garden, on a slanted roof that would allow a perfect view of the front entrance of the Pleasure house he and Inej were staking out. They’d be able to tell exactly when Charles Hester entered, and they’d be able to see through the front windows with a spyglass into the lobby to see which girl’s services he requested. If one were to look up from the street, the slant of the roof would obstruct Kaz from view; this allowed him to sit comfortably enough, with his back against the bricks of the chimney.

 

            There was a light chill in the air but none of the afternoon snow had stuck to the ground, it felt like a dying breath of autumn, but a breath none the less. The sky was surprisingly clear for Ketterdam, the snow and winds had blown most of the smog away. Kaz found himself looking up at the sky, enjoying the view for once. Inej would be here any moment, and Kaz was looking forward to being up in the sky with her once more, stalking their prey easily from above. Working alongside Inej was one of the things he missed most when she was at sea, she balanced him. He felt like he balanced her too, in some way. Before Inej, Kaz had never found anyone he truly enjoyed working beside, he would have happily done everything by himself unless entirely necessary.

 

            Inej. His senses tingled with awareness, she was here.

 

            Kaz smiled to himself when out of the corner of his eye he saw a petite figure lean back against the bricks beside him. He hadn’t heard her- no one ever did. Kaz reached into his coat pocket and pulled out the licorice he brought with him, it was one of the few indulgences he always had for himself. Licorice was sweet without being too sweet.

 

            “I’ll trade some of mine for some of yours,” Inej broke the silence beside him. He turned then to see her hood was up, braid trailing down the front of her black ensemble. In the moonlight, he could make out the silhouette of her profile, her small nose, soft lips.

 

Kaz felt a smile pull on his face, he could in fact confirm her lips were as soft as he’d always imagined.

 

“Is it a fair trade?” Kaz rasped. He saw Inej reach into her pocket and pull out the candied almonds he’d shown her years ago when she first joined the Dregs. He knew she loved them almost as much as he did.

 

“Answer for yourself, Brekker.” Inej smirked as she tossed some almonds into her mouth, her eyes already on the front of the pleasure house. Kaz sighed but he could not resist her or those damn nuts. He took two strings of licorice from his pocket and passed them to Inej, she dumped a handful of almonds into his gloved palm from the bag.

 

“I almost forgot, I have a gift for you back at the house. It involves licorice.” Inej mumbled as she munched on the stick of candy. Kaz smiled, he didn’t know why she would have gotten him his favorite semi-sweet snack but he would gladly accept anything Inej had to give him. He’d learned that lesson now, Inej liked giving gifts. He saw it in her eyes, he wouldn’t refuse her that show of her affections.

 

“Is it licorice?” Kaz asked with a smirk as he watched a Mr. crimson masked man who was far too round to be Hester entering the pleasure house far below them.

 

“I love when you use your mind.” Inej chuckled and bumped his knee with her own.

 

“You must see quite a lot of that.” Kaz jested.

 

“Not as much as you’d think,” Inej giggled in between bites of the licorice.

 

“I’m wounded, Inej, truly.” Kaz placed a palm over his chest in mock hurt and it earned him an eye roll from Inej. Her hood fell back off her head and Kaz tracked the fall of the fabric, happy with its removal. He could see her more clearly now, she looked genuinely content, sitting here on a roof with him in the cold, where they would surely be for hours yet.

 

“How’s the Club? Ready for the expansion opening?” Inej asked him quietly. Kaz had been at the Club the past two nights and all day today, making sure everything was ready. He’d dealt at the tables as well, making sure pigeons spread the word that his Club was the place to get rolled in the barrel. He’d also had to use show of force on several employees who had indeed gotten cocky in his absence most of the week. They knew without a doubt now that Kaz had eyes and ears everywhere. They could not outsmart him, nor outrun him. Kaz had missed Inej though, despite the fact that he’d come back to the Attic both nights to find her familiar form under the sheets in his bed. Inej had come to sleep next to him even if he’d been up before her and come back much later. He’d not slept much, but her presence had allowed those precious few hours he claimed to be deep and dreamless sleeps.

 

“It’s ready. Rotty and Pim are out tonight on the docks, sending new pigeons our way. Anika made sure there is announcements for the new private parlors and the second bar in every inn and boarding house. The fucking Geldrenner even has the Crow logo displayed at its hotel bar.” Kaz rasped with a grin of his own, he felt proud. This was something he’d built, entirely on his own. Kaz had bought the Crow Club, and he’d raised it from the ground up. Now the Dregs could be entirely self-sustained off the Club alone if he wished. Most of the other jobs they did now were to pad pockets. Or to take down bastards like Charles Hester and Pekka Rollins, while alsopadding their pockets.

 

It was taking out the garbage and coming back with sweet, sweet kruge.

 

If Kaz was honest, he also liked to prove he could take anything he wished. It’s why he’d stolen the DeKappel, after all. That perhaps was the only thing Jan Van Eck had ever been correct about.

 

“I can’t wait to see it.” Inej mumbled, he saw her grin. Kaz realized then that Inej had not been back to the Club at all while she’d been in Ketterdam. She’d been outside of it on her last leave on land, the night the liddies attacked- but not inside.

 

“Will you be coming for the opening?” Kaz found himself asking. He didn’t know if Inej would want to attend, she hadn’t said anything about it previously. He also knew she wouldn’t want to waste precious time while her parents were in the city. He would understand if she didn’t want to attend.

 

“Depends. Are you asking me to come with you?” Inej turned her eyes to him now, he could see what she wanted. Inej wanted to go, Inej wanted to go with him. Kaz hadn’t pondered that idea, it surprised him. Of course, there was a problem there. The most trusted Dregs knew he and Inej were together. The rest did not. Not only that, it was public. Even if there would be a reserved parlor only for Dregs members. Kaz ran a gloved hand through his hair. Inej’s eyes tracked the movement.

 

Of course he wanted to bring Inej and tell the whole saints-damned planet that he was the luckiest son of a bitch to ever walk the earth. Inej was with him, the rest of them were not half as lucky. He’d never be able to do that though, it would put a target on Inej’s back from his growing list of enemies.

 

            “No, just wanted to see if you’d attend.” Kaz said, realizing right away that this was not the right thing to say. Inej turned her eyes back to the street below them, she nodded very slowly. He saw disappointment line her features. Kaz wanted to take it back and explain better but Inej cut him off.

 

            “I’ll just come with Jesper and Wylan then. Yes, Jesper is coming. He owns part of that club and he wants to be there for you. I’m going to go get a better view, I’ll be back.” Inej grit out and she was gone before he could force out another word.

 

            Fuck. Not how this was supposed to go. Damnit, Brekker. She’s right. You don’t use your mind often enough.

 

            Inej came back not ten minutes later and sat down beside him once more. He’d half convinced himself she’d spend the rest of the night across the roof from him and far away in other ways.

 

            “That’s not what I meant.” Kaz said. He wasn’t used to this; he never took back what he said, to anyone. It wasn’t something Kaz Brekker did. Kaz couldn’t stop himself though, he’d gladly let her stab him for being dense. Inej turned her face to him and he saw something soften in her eyes.

 

            “I know. I just… I just needed to remember why I can’t go with you.” Inej said softly as she twirled the end of her braid around her fingers and leaned back against the brick.

 

            “I want you to come with me.” Kaz said, he’d not thought about the honesty of his words. That was something Inej did to him. Inej had always had a way of being able to wring secrets out of even him.

 

His barriers were made of stone and unmovable with the rest of the world, but with Inej his defenses were made of glass that only she could carve a door from without it shattering.

 

“I can’t though.” Inej mumbled with a frustrated sigh.

 

Kaz thought of it then. It was a scheme. A scheme in the form of the seed. If he only added water…

 

 

INEJ

 

            Scheming face.

 

            Kaz was looking off toward the street below them, but she could tell he wasn’t really seeing anything besides plans forming in his raven haired head. His jaw ticked slightly and she saw his shoulder blades move up, it must be a good plan. Kaz only did that when it was a plan he was especially proud of.  Inej didn’t know what triggered his mind to start forming a scheme, and she had no idea what that plan was for. They were only staking out tonight, there was no job besides gleaning information ahead of them. They hadn’t even been speaking of anything pertaining to work, only of the Crow Club expansion opening night.

 

Inej hadn’t known how hard it would be to hear from his lips that she couldn’t go with him, Inej knew that before she asked of course. Somehow though, the words had come out anyways. Inej wanted to go with Kaz, be on his arm. She knew it was not in the cards for them though, that part of “normal”. She and Kaz both had too many enemies to make their relationship public, there were few who knew of their involvement with one another and Inej knew she should want to keep it that way. Yet, some part of her, that was just a normal girl- not spy, nor captain- didn’t care. That part of her wanted to waltz down the street with her arm in his and not worry about being noticed. Inej would always value their privacy, she and Kaz were similar in that way, but being able to attend such an event as something other than a business associate did sound appealing to her.

 

“What are you scheming for?” Inej asked quietly. Kaz didn’t answer for a long minute, Inej kept her eyes on the entrance to the Vixen’s Garden. She would not miss Charles Hester’s entrance.

 

“What if we did go together? What if we plant a seed of suspicion that the Pirate hunting slave ships on the sea is Dregs as well? Then wouldn’t that employer be forced to make his appearance in Ketterdam? Since he never seems to actually be on the ships you target? Here, we have the high ground, and a whole lot of fucking fire power.” Kaz mused. Inej felt her jaw fall off her face and damn near clatter to the shingles of the roof beneath her.

 

“Kaz… I can’t. No. It’ll endanger Jesper and Wylan, everyone else in the gang. You. He’s my enemy, not yours.” Inej whispered. Her heart was racing. Kaz was willing to take up arms against the slave trade in a very literal sense beside her.

 

“You forget, love, I killed his messenger. Whoever this man is, he knows your berth was in my name. I’m on his list now, too. Too bad I’m terribly difficult to kill.” Kaz grinned that knife edged smile that promised a job and a whole lot of trouble. Inej thought over his words, but before she could speak, Kaz continued.

 

“Also, Henrik’s men were the only ones who found the address to the Van Eck mansion, and you made quick work of them minus a bullet. He will have no idea Jesper and Wylan are of any relation to us outside previous gang affiliation. They’d have no reason to target them.” Kaz paused, his eyes scanning the Pleasure House before them. Inej hadn’t considered it like that, it was true. Kaz was now an enemy of this employer as well, therefore the Dregs could be targeted and Kaz would want to eliminate him for this reason, even without Inej’s involvement.

 

Inej didn’t know who this Slave trader was, but he’d be a fool to stand against Kaz Brekker in Ketterdam, on the streets he lived, breathed, and bled for.

 

“So what are you suggesting? We go public?” Inej laughed a disbelieving thing.

 

“No. I’m suggesting we go just as we are to the Club. We don’t tell anyone anything about us, we just let people see us there, together, with the Dregs. If this employer has anyone watching out for you, after this past voyage, he surely is attempting to have eyes on me as well since your ship docked in the berth with my name attached once more. It would cause him, at the very least, to want to have a closer look, if we got another of his associates in our grasp, we could make them crack and give us a name.”

 

“So you want me to come with you as the Wraith and Captain Ghafa, what about the rest of the Dregs? Will they know of our relationship if it comes down to this trader coming to confront us?” Inej asked. Inej didn’t want to put the Dregs in harm’s way, or leave them unaware, but Inej was understanding where Kaz was going with this. They needed to put an end to Charles Hester’s employer, an end to people like Tante Heleen buying human beings as if they were nothing more than new throw pillows for her sitting room.

 

“We’ll tell the rest of the Dregs if we have to, not a moment before. We never know where we could have a leak. For now, I’d like you to come with me in a way that doesn’t put a target on your back from other gangs for your association and assumed importance to me. Those of the Dregs that know about us were there the night we ran into Henrik; they know I eliminated a threat against you. They won’t hesitate to eliminate a perceived threat against either of us or the Dregs when we do confront Hester and his employer.”

 

Inej turned Kaz’s plan around in her mind, it was a good one. Inej would be able to attend the evening with Kaz, while also dropping a bread crumb trail to lure out the slave trader she needed to stop. They’d either catch him right away when he came to Ketterdam, or at the very least one of his associates in order to gather intel. Inej had pondered if they should just try and crack Charles Hester, but Inej wanted to leave that path open for now. No matter how much she wanted to watch the light drain from his eyes under her blade. Inej wanted to stop the whole damn thing, and Charles Hester was the only living lead they had. If Kaz’s plan was successful, then they would have another avenue to the slave trader and could take down Hester and a major human trafficking sector in one fell swoop, while simultaneously harming Tante Heleen’s operation as well. Hopefully, this stakeout would also provide insight to the madam of Vixen’s Garden, who they could also cut down with the removal of this slave route.

 

“Let’s take them down, Kaz.” Inej felt conviction steel her bones.

 

“So you will attend as my date even if only we know that is what it is?” Kaz asked from beside her as he poised a spyglass to his eye.

 

Inej laughed.

 

Of course that was all Kaz Brekker had heard. Saints help the fool who stood in the way of Kaz and anything he truly desired. He’d come up with a plan to get them both what they wanted. A night together in public and progress on the job.

 

“Yes I’ll come with you. It’s about time you took me out, Kaz Brekker. Seeing as I sleep in your bed and you’ve met my parents.” Inej jested.

 

“Darling Inej, Treasure of my heart, will you accompany me on a mission to destroy terrible business men and women while also enjoying a drink at the club bar before we go to bed together?” Kaz said with false bravado that made Inej blush fiercely.

 

“Saints help me, I already said yes.” Inej chuckled.

 

Kaz smiled and she felt his hand entwine with hers on the shingles. She scooted closer to him and laid her head on his shoulder. He had the spyglass up to his eye and Inej trusted him to keep watch for now.

 

Inej remembered other nights just like this, where they would be sitting with barely any space between them, but it would feel as if he was a million miles away. Inej remembered how she’d wanted to lean into him on those cold nights they spent on their bellies, spying on marks for the job. Inej pressed closer into his side now, his hand left hers but his arm wrapped around her shoulder instead.

 

She never wanted those inches that had felt wider than the True sea to separate their hearts again.

 

Inej tilted her head up and whispered his name to get his attention, Kaz lowered the spyglass and turned his head to look down at her, the moonlight made his sharp lines look harsher, his skin more radiant. Inej raised her head off his shoulder and held onto his eyes before she leaned in for only a moment.

 

The Wraith kissed Dirtyhands on the job that night.

Chapter 39: Tailored Crows

Summary:

Crow Club expansion opening night!

Notes:

Chapter 39! AHHHHH. Okay ya'll this one i'm pretty pumped about. I cannot wait for you guys to read it. Seriously one of my personal favorites, it was so fun to write. I hope you guys love it and I can't wait for the next one, either! As always, thank you a million times over for reading and supporting this story.

Drop me a comment with what you think, I really would love to hear your thoughts on this! Yay! Thanks again!

KAZ

 

            The gold of his crow shaped cufflinks glinted in the dim lamplight of Kaz’s attic room as he snapped them to his sleeves. Kaz added an onyx tie to his neck and slipped into his freshly tailored suit jacket, he’d bought a new one specifically for this occasion. The expansion of the Crow Club opened tonight. The expansion added a second bar, three new private parlors, eight additional tables in the main hall, and a smoking lounge that overlooked the main floor of the club. According to the note Roeder dropped off for him an hour ago, the club was already packed despite the early evening hour, just past six bells. The bar tenders were rolling in kruge and the game tables had waiting lists. Kaz smiled to himself as he flicked up his cane and stopped by his dresser to dab some of his cologne on his neck. Inej liked it, he knew that much. He’d only worn it once or twice around her, he rarely used it; but on the night that they’d had dinner with her parents, Inej had settled next to him in bed and inhaled deeper than she normally did. According to her “it makes you smell even more like you.” Kaz felt a smile tug on his face at the memory.

 

            Kaz was excited, he realized. He was going to his own Club, and not working. He’d be nothing more than a presence of authority and the leader and owner of the club. Kaz was mostly going to enjoy himself. Inej would be there. Jesper and Wylan would be there. They were celebrating something he’d done, celebrating the success of himself and the Dregs. Kaz couldn’t believe it, his past self was squinting his eyes in suspicion at him from within. Surely this was not his life.

 

            A musical knock on his door shook Kaz from the swirling web of epiphanies he’d been having. Kaz limped and unlocked the trio of mechanisms on the door. Kaz opened it and was greeted by a clementine suit clad zemini sharp shooter and a bottle of bourbon.

 

            “Hello, Kaz.” Jesper chirped as he moved around Kaz to enter the attic. Kaz rolled his eyes but he smiled privately as he shut the door.

 

            “What business, Jes?” Kaz asked as he leaned his cane against the wall.

 

            “Brought us this. Thought we could toast. Tell me you have glasses up here still.” Jesper set the bottle of bourbon on Kaz’s desk as he began to rummage through Kaz’s desk. Kaz pointed to the right side drawer and Jesper retrieved glasses. Kaz picked up the bottle and inspected the label, it was vintage. Expensive. Jesper had bought him a gift to share with him before they went to the Club they both owned.

 

There was a time where Kaz would have sent Jesper away, told him not to be so damn sentimental. Kaz found there was no part of him who wanted to do that this time. Kaz wished Jordie was here on a daily basis, Jesper was as close as it came. Kaz was grateful.

 

“You’re wearing an orange suit.” Kaz found himself saying with a mock grimace, despite that it was pointing out the obvious.

 

“And you’re wearing black. Everything seems normal to me, Brekker.” Jesper quipped as he swiped the bottle from Kaz and opened the top. Kaz let a small smile break free on his face as he took a glass of bourbon from Jesper. He noticed Jesper did not have cufflinks on.

 

“To a divine partnership that will surely result in more color in your life, Kaz.” Jesper raised his glass and clinked it against Kaz’s.

 

“To the Club. Please don’t relapse.” Kaz quipped and Jesper rolled his silver eyes but his grin showed he knew Kaz meant it only in fun. Kaz had high hopes for Jesper’s recovery, Wylan and himself would be around all evening as well as Inej. Besides, Dregs were not to be served at the tables tonight, the spots were reserved for paying pigeons. Jesper wouldn’t be allowed to sit at a table even if he managed to get close enough. Jesper had also done excellently thus far, he had so much success on the stock market that Kaz didn’t think he missed the tables nearly as much as he had in the beginning of his road to recovery from his gambling addiction.

 

“Where’s Wylan?” Kaz asked after he took a healthy swig of the golden liquor. It went down smooth as smoke. Divine.

 

“He’s going to meet us at the Club, I thought I could go with you, since you know, partial owner.” Jesper grinned and his iron eyes shined with excitement.

 

“Fine.” Kaz grumbled, but he felt his chest warm. He had known what the gift he’d given Jesper meant to his friend, Kaz was happy that Jesper didn’t feel the need to remark on the rest of the truth he’d told him. About his brother.

 

Kaz didn’t mind entering the Club with Jesper either, considering Inej had also opted to meet him there. Inej had mentioned she was going to invite Specht as well as a few of her crew members who were still in Ketterdam for their leave on land. Kaz knew Inej had already insured their loyalty and none of them would speak of their Captain’s relationship, besides none of them other than Specht even knew who Kaz was. He hadn’t yet met her crew. Kaz didn’t mind them attending, it was more people who were loyal to Inej at her back in case anything went awry with their plans or if the Slave trade employer dared to send any associates their way during the coming days.

 

“Is that hers?” Jesper asked and Kaz looked up from his thoughts and followed Jesper’s gaze to the emblem hanging above his bed. Jesper was smiling as he took in Inej’s chosen symbol for her ship.

 

“It is.” Kaz said simply, not bothering to hide the grin on his face.

 

“She didn’t show us before she left on the sea, guess she wanted you to see it first.” Jesper said with another sip of bourbon.

 

“She gave it to me.” Kaz rasped and turned and walked to his dresser, he opened the top drawer.

 

“It suits her. And you.” Jesper said easily from behind him. Kaz found what he was looking for before he turned back and crossed the room back to his desk.

 

“Open your hand.” Kaz said and Jesper raised a dark brow before setting down his bourbon and holding his hand out.

 

Kaz dropped a spare pair of cufflinks into Jesper’s palm. They were identical to the ones he was wearing, except silver instead of gold. Crow shaped silhouettes.

 

The devil was in the details.

 

“Really?” Jesper whispered, his mouth slightly ajar.

 

“Keep them. You’re partial owner. I have another set.” Kaz twisted his wrist in Jesper’s direction and the gold of his own links caught the light.

 

“Thank you.” Jesper said as he was already pinning them onto his sleeves. The silver somehow complemented the clementine suit. Kaz nodded sharply and took another drink.

 

Kaz didn’t know why he’d done it, but he would have done it for Jordie. He’d do it for Jesper in his dead brother’s place.

 

“Shall we?” Kaz asked once Jesper had the links in place.

 

“Abso-fucking-lutely.” Jesper grinned and loped to the door of the attic as he whistled a musical tune. Kaz sighed but he followed Jesper out, locking the door behind him. A smile stayed trapped on his lips.

 

 

 

About twenty minutes later, Jesper and Kaz were hanging their snow dusted coats in the hall closet of the private back entrance to the Crow Club. The front entrance had a line as they’d passed. Kaz had spotted Dirix directing people in and Pim was patting people down for weapons. Only members of the Gang were allowed to be armed in the Crow Club on such a packed night. Kaz did not want blood stains on the fresh carpet of his gambling hall, he at least wanted it to be unmarred for one Ghezen blessed night.

 

Jesper followed Kaz out the curtain hiding the private entrance from sight and straight up the stairs that would lead them to the new smoking lounge that looked over the Club’s main floor. The lounge was on reserve for the Dregs only for opening night, the lounge would be open to the public for the first time the following night. Kaz reached the landing and saw most of the Dregs already clutching drinks and passing around bottles, card games were being played on the low tables surrounded by sofas and arm chairs. All of the upholstery was crushed velvet in a crimson color, the furnishings otherwise were black wood. The chandeliers were lit low above them, a wet bar was in the corner and Kaz noticed Anika pouring rounds of shots for herself and Rotty. Conversation buzzed around them.  All of the club was being manned primarily by staff tonight, not Dregs members. Those who were working were already down on the floor and at the doors. Pim and Dirix as well as James, an older man but new recruit, who was guarding the back entrance. Those who were working would get to enjoy themselves the next night, it was something Kaz had made sure of. No one would say anything but he knew the gang was grateful for the private lounge on reserve away from the pigeons on the ground floor. The gang was smart enough not to thank him, Kaz hated gratitude.

Kaz may have also spent a decent amount of kruge stocking the bar up here. It was the only way he knew how to thank those who were loyal to him in the Dregs. Dirtyhands hadn’t even been able to object to that. Loyalty was being paid for tonight, even if Kaz knew that was not why the Dregs were loyal to him. It had not as much to do with kruge, but with status. The Dregs were untouchable in the barrel since he’d taken over as their leader.

 

“Boss! Jesper!” Rotty exclaimed from near the bar and walked quickly to clap Jesper on the back. Jesper was already grinning ear to ear. Kaz knew Jes was always Dregs, even if he was a bonafide mercher alongside Wylan. Jesper also had many more friends in the gang than Kaz could even keep track of.

 

Jesper was a social butterfly. Kaz was a distanced moth in the corner. Opposites.

 

Kaz smiled at his own analogy before he left Jesper and Rotty to catch up and limped to the bar and poured himself a stiff whiskey, which he promptly took with him to the rail of the lounge.  The club was indeed packed, the floor was buzzing with alcohol infused energy and excitement. The occasional squeal of a win at the tables sounded through the hall, conversations of every type floated up to Kaz’s ears. Kaz grinned and took a sip from his whiskey as he leaned against the railing.

 

“Congrats, boss.” Arman said from behind Kaz, Kaz turned and nodded. Arman smiled before he walked away, Kaz spied where he was walking to. The medic he was courting, Daron, was sitting on one of the sofas across the lounge, smiling and waiting for Arman. Kaz had told Arman the medic was welcome for the opening when Arman had awkwardly stood in his office that morning and tried to ask if he could bring a guest. Arman was a newer member still and Kaz had almost laughed at him for asking. Kaz had no patience and simply said “for Ghezen sake just bring the man and leave me alone.” Kaz didn’t mind, the Dregs were also responsible for the success of the Club.

 

“It looks incredible. It also flows right.” Kaz turned to see Wylan leaning against the rail a few paces down from him, his auburn hair looked aflame in the low chandelier haze. Wylan was wearing a suit just like Jesper, but his was an emerald green. It was much more subdued than Jesper’s own fashion choice. They were both wearing the respective colors of Noyvi Zem, Kaz realized. It must have been to celebrate Jesper’s own involvement with the Crow Club now. Kaz noted that Wylan was keeping an eye on Jesper from the corner of his eye, but he seemed relaxed. There was no trouble for Jesper to get into up here, away from the real danger of the tables below them, housing everything from three-man bramble to straight shot.

 

“Thanks.” Kaz mumbled. He’d accept the compliment from one of his few friends, he appreciated Wylan’s notice of the “flow” of the building. Wylan had helped him with some of the architectural decisions for this very lounge.

 

“Where’s our favorite assassin?” Jesper quipped as he walked up and wrapped his arms around Wylan, causing a flush to spread on the gingers face.

 

“She’ll be here.” Kaz answered, as he looked back to the stairway once more. He was eager for Inej to arrive, he wanted to share this with her. He wanted to feel her near, walk the room with her by his side, even if only very few here knew they were together.

 

A moment later, Rotty and Anika walked up and greeted Wylan and began talking to them about all of Jesper’s success with the markets, Kaz found himself standing with them. Even if he barely spoke, he found he was enjoying himself and listening to the conversation was actually pleasant. Rotty and Anika had exchanged a glance between themselves that screamed “he’s actually staying to talk with us”, Kaz couldn’t blame them. He didn’t offer comradery or friendship to the Dregs. Tonight, he’d allow himself a moment of it, though.

 

Sometime after Jesper had retrieved them another round of whiskey, Kaz felt Inej near.

 

The whiskey smoothed his muscles just slightly, allowing a small smile to pull on his face. Kaz noticed most of the Dregs were looking toward the stairway.

 

“What is everyone staring at?” Jesper mused aloud as their whole group turned to face the stairwell.

 

Captain Inej Ghafa. That was who everyone was staring at. Kaz’s throat went dry at the sight before him.

 

Inej was standing in the doorway to the stairs, shadowed by Specht and two of her female crew members. She was taking in the lounge and her eyes looked up to the low chandeliers. Inej’s hair was down and rolled down her body in smooth midnight waves that reached her waist. She was wearing a perfectly tailored black naval jacket with gold buttons that lined the front, it accentuated her waist in a way that Kaz would surely call illegal. It ended just below her hip bones in a sharp line. She had the buttons of her jacket undone halfway down her middle, it revealed bare bronze collar bones and a slightly deeper neckline than anything Kaz had ever seen her wear before. He could not allow himself to notice the slight cleavage her jacket promoted. She was clad in black pants that fit her better than his most worn pair of gloves fit his hands, making her curves prominent and delicate at the same time. She wore shined black leather boots that fit snugly over her knees, almost to her thigh, they gave her an inch or two in height. Her nose piercing was in again, a small gold ring that matched the buttons of her jacket. Her eyes had a slight dust of coal to them and it made the flecks of fire in her irises strike out every time her head moved in the low lighting.

 

This was Captain Ghafa, Inej as the leader at the head of a warship. She was striking. Inej in tailored clothes and lines that rivaled his was almost as magnificent as Inej in silks. Who was he kidding? Inej’s existence alone just did things to him.

 

Kaz didn’t fucking care anymore. Inej could not look like that and have him not gravitate to her.

 

He was a moth after all. Inej was the light.

 

Kaz stood up, he felt eyes on him, both knowing and confused amongst them.

 

“Captain Ghafa.” Kaz said as he approached Inej and extended his hand.

 

He was already drunk off her, no alcohol was needed.

 

“Mr. Brekker.” Inej said with a smirk as she placed a bronze hand in his gloved one. Kaz noticed Specht roll his eyes behind her as he made his way to the bar.

 

Kaz brought her hand up and kissed her knuckles gently. He didn’t miss the surprise on her face, he probably shouldn’t have done it. Kaz didn’t care. He heard some whispers from confused Dregs behind him, he couldn’t be bothered to find out who it was. To anyone else, the gesture was only a little forward, not exactly professional, but not a confirmation of anything either. Kaz and Inej knew better.

 

The smile Inej gave him was only for them. It was a smile that said “I love you” in a language only they understood.

Chapter 40: Worth the Wait

Summary:

Crow Club lounge. Crows. Cards. Conversation.

Notes:

Chapter 40! Guys. This one. This one I've been waiting for. I sincerely hope you love it, and I would love to hear what you think in the comments. That's all I will say, but thank you eternally for all the support. You are all the best. I hope this one was worth the wait, It's a longer one. Eeeek!

PS-Forgive any errors. I revised best I could tonight, but with a much longer chapter I had a little less time. Thank you so much!

INEJ

 

            “What’s your poison, Cap?” Specht asked Inej from across the wet bar in the corner of the Crow Club lounge. Kaz had walked with her to the bar, Quin and Greer had followed as well. Inej’s crewmates had both jumped at the opportunity for a night out in Ketterdam with Inej and Specht- especially a night where drinks were free and there was a private lounge in a popular club. Quin’s wife, Mira, had elected to stay in their boarding room, Mira was much more of a quiet soul than her counterpart. Quin was loud and boisterous and the first to sing a shanty on the sea, whereas Mira was one for reserved observation. Inej’s crewmates knew she was involved with the owner of the club- they had not met Kaz prior, though. Nor did they know who he really was, leader of the Dregs, Dirtyhands. Specht had clearly told them he was also a part of the Dregs just as much as Inej herself, though.

 

            “Hi, Inej.” Anika said to Inej as she made her way around Specht to retrieve more drinks from the bar. Inej had spotted Jesper and Wylan as well on her way in, she would join them after she acquired a drink for herself. Kaz seemed content to stand with her, that much was evident in the way he’d brushed his lips to her hand the moment he’d seen her. It surprised Inej, it also made her heart jump in rhythm. Kaz looked every part the owner of the Club tonight. His lines were perfect, maybe even more perfect than usual; from his tailored obsidian suit to his crisp facial features. His jawline was enchantingly smooth, sharp as a blade. 

 

Inej thought if sculptors could only study him, they’d understand how to make stone take the form of flesh.

 

He had forgone no expense on the club itself, either. Inej was mesmerized. It was beautiful, sultry, and alive. It was warm, decadent. The Crow Club was a project of passion, even if Kaz would never admit it.

 

It was Kaz, emanated in timber and playing cards and crushed velvet.

 

“I guess bourbon, Specht. Hello, Anika.” Inej smiled softly to the blonde with an incline of her head. Anika smiled in return and Inej was once again glad for their new found mutual respect. There was no malice in Anika’s greeting whatsoever.

 

“Are you sure you want bourbon when I acquired this?” Kaz said as he reached around the counter to a shelf below the bar and brought out a handle of rum. Inej felt her stomach flip in a pleasant tumble. Kaz had a talent for thinking of everything.

 

“Oh no, she’ll definitely have that, she’s quite the fan.” Specht answered Kaz with a chuckle as he poured out drinks. Inej rolled her eyes but she was already reaching for the bottle in Kaz’s hands. He held it out of her reach with a crooked grin.

 

“You’re the worst, Kaz Brekker; using someone’s height to their disadvantage.” Inej cried but a smile broke free on her lips. Cheeky Kaz was a rare sight, she loved it every time.

 

“We all know I’m the worst, Inej.” Kaz chuckled and she heard Greer laugh from beside her as she took a glass of bourbon from Specht.

 

“I’ll have you know I’m still very much armed, Kaz Brekker.” Inej smiled deviously as she settled back down on her feet from her toes. This caught Kaz’s attention instantly. Inej thought that just might appeal to Dirtyhands. Inej was aware of Anika muffling laughter at the sight of Kaz swallowing thickly in the wake of the revelation, and trying and failing to keep his eyes from scanning over Inej’s body. Inej did not have her blades visible this evening, one would not even know she was armed with her current ensemble.

 

“Where on earth did you hide blades?” Jesper asked from behind Inej, she hadn’t even noticed his approach. She turned to see him chuckling and making a show of trying to estimate where she could have hidden her personal armory.

 

“Isn’t that the question we’d all love to know the answer to?” Greer piped in from beside Inej.

 

“I’ll tell you if you give me the rum, Kaz.” Inej purred and she smirked as he handed over the bottle easily.

 

Inej stood on her toes as if to whisper the secret to Kaz.

 

“I didn’t specify when I’d tell you. Bad form to not notate every detail of the deal, Brekker.” Inej whispered in his ear with a smirk at the almost undetectable tremor that ran through his frame at her proximity. Inej knew the affect she’d had on him, it made her face warm, but she felt confident. Strong. Like the Captain she was.

 

Inej took the bottle and moved away from Kaz around the bar and swiped up a glass tumbler for herself.

 

Kaz shook his head at her, his eyes said “devious, wraith.” Anika laughed openly. The only people at the bar currently were those familiar with Kaz and Inej’s relationship. To anyone else, it just looked like a normal conversation, one where Inej may have conveyed a secret to a business partner.

 

“So, are you the owner?” Greer turned to Jesper. Inej realized suddenly that she had not described Kaz’s appearance to anyone on her crew, only mentioned him. Greer was clearly trying to deduct who Inej was involved with. Inej saw Kaz roll his eyes when Jesper said “partially” with a grin that screamed pride.

 

“Great, so not about to hit on you. How about you? Are you single?” Greer turned her sights on Kaz. Inej did not hesitate to answer.

 

“No, he’s not.” Inej sent a frigid glare in her crewmates direction, though she softened immediately when Greer threw up her hands in a mock surrender when she saw her captain’s look. Jesper was suppressing a ridiculous bout of giggles at being mistaken for Inej’s lover, even Specht coughed to cover a laugh from beside her. Kaz’s pupils widened just slightly, but he did not giveaway to anyone besides Inej how taken aback he was by the clear come on from Inej’s crewmate.

 

Greer was much like how Jesper had once been, before Wylan. Wasn’t much for commitment, but loved to play the field. Boys, Girls. It didn’t matter. Greer was just a flirt, Inej loved her for it. Except when it involved Kaz.

 

“I see. My mistake, Captain.” Greer smiled and Inej returned it. Inej was grateful that Greer would say no more, in case of prying unaware ears.

 

“Flattered, but your Captain would be correct, very much unavailable. I’m the other owner of this club.” Kaz rasped and Inej felt a flutter from her chest to her stomach. She’d never heard Kaz acknowledge their relationship to anyone besides their friends and her parents. She’d been unconscious when he’d told the other close knit members of the Dregs of their involvement. She wanted to drown in Kaz’s eyes when he looked at her then.

 

They were molten fire in the middle of an umber sandstorm. Burning, burning for her.

 

“Right. Anyways, Greer, Quin- this is Kaz Brekker.” Inej motioned with her hand as she poured her drink. Greer and Quin both smiled and Kaz nodded once. Jesper scoffed.

 

“Hello! Inej, Sweet, aren’t you forgetting someone?” Jesper’s silver eyes twinkled with amusement. Inej huffed a laugh but repeated the same introduction of her crewmates to Jesper. She picked up her drink as Anika also introduced herself and she made her way back around the bar, she felt Kaz’s gaze on her until she was standing right beside him. Inej noticed a flex of his gloved fingers on the crow head of his cane. Inej was about to move toward where she saw Wylan and Rotty talking on some sofas across the lounge, when she felt a subtle brush against her hand, a gloved finger entwined with hers for only a moment before letting go.

 

It was Kaz’s way of saying he wanted her near, it was written in his eyes when his gaze flicked to hers.

 

Inej wanted to kiss him. She wanted to grab that perfectly straight tie and bring his lips to hers right in the middle of the Crow Club lounge. She would not. But she considered it.

 

 

KAZ

 

            “That’s not exactly what happened!” Quin, Inej’s third in command on her ship cried to Greer who was now sitting very close to a slightly intoxicated Rotty on the sofa across from Kaz and Inej. Jesper and Wylan were sharing the sofa to Kaz’s left and Quin was sitting with Anika on Inej’s right.

 

            “It is, Quin. We all saw it. You tried to drink yourself silly and then climb to the nest, even though the sea was restless. It was a delight to watch Mira drag you to bed.” Inej chuckled from beside him. Kaz wanted to wrap his arm around her and pull her into his side. He would have if it wasn’t for the rest of the lounge full of Dregs in their own celebratory card matches and conversations around them. The Club was buzzing with excitement from below the balcony as well. Inej had gotten here around a half bell ago and now Kaz found himself sitting in a circle of his closest friends, most trusted Dregs, The Wraith’s crew, and his girl. Kaz almost laughed aloud at the realization.

 

            Kaz Brekker was socializing. Well, as close as he came to it. Kaz discovered he didn’t loathe it entirely.

 

            “You’re the Captain! Aren’t you supposed to be neutral?” Quin cried as she tossed a red lock of hair over her shoulder. Her kaelish features were soft, Kaz estimated she was somewhere around twenty-five years old. Greer was closer to himself and Jesper in age, perhaps twenty.

 

            “I’m a Captain who values both truth and laughter, therefore I will not lie on this front.” Inej laughed freely before she took a long drink of her second glass of rum. Kaz noticed a flush blooming on her bronze cheeks, it was his favorite color.

 

            “Fine! I’m going to get another drink.” Quin mumbled with an amused glare in Inej’s direction.

 

            “When you return you must share the most amusing story you have of Inej!” Wylan chirped to Quin’s back and Inej immediately shot a glare in the ginger’s direction.

 

            “Oh I love your ideas, Merchling. Your mind is truly one of your best qualities, I’d say the best but we both kno-” Jesper was cut off with a jab in the ribs by Wylan, embarrassment rippled across his freckled face. Clearly Jesper was about to divulge intimate details of his favorite physical qualities of his boyfriend.

 

            “No need to wait, my favorite story of Inej is when I asked her to join me in bed and she damn near stabbed me.” Greer laughed and Inej rolled her eyes, her nose piercing caught in the light and Kaz was momentarily lost in the idea of asking Inej to leave with him and go home right now.

 

            “I didn’t expect you in my cabin, first off. Second, you were drunk out of your mind. Third, I felt guilty because you didn’t know I was not interested in women. Fourth, I had someone already and didn’t know how to tell you that in a way your drunk mind would understand and not make you cry. Fifth, you’re my friend.” Inej made a show of listing her points off her bronze fingers, it was evident Inej and Greer were close enough to make light of the awkward event now. Everyone laughed, even Kaz found himself chuckling. Kaz couldn’t blame Greer, same way he couldn’t blame Rotty when he’d asked Inej out. Inej was enchanting and dangerous and beautiful.

 

            Kaz was the luckiest bastard of them all, and he knew it. He resisted the urge to reach for her hand. It felt natural now.

 

            “Don’t feel bad, most of us have fallen under atleast one of the holy duo of untoucheableness spells at one point or another,” Jesper piped in with a smirk.

 

            “What the hell is the holy duo of untoucheableness?” Kaz found himself asking, Inej also looked confused. He didn’t think he was the only one who had missed something, and he certainly was not drunk enough to not hear properly.

 

            Rotty, Anika and Jesper all exchanged glances and muffled chuckles under their breath.

 

            “I’m as confused as you are.” Inej leaned over to whisper to Kaz.

 

            “Oh, Ghezen. They mean the two of you.” Wylan was the one who spoke quietly to avoid anyone outside of their group hearing. He shed a soft smile in Kaz and Inej’s direction, his blue eyes aflame in amusement. Kaz didn’t understand.

 

            “It’s a term we coined for the two people who every single man and woman noticed in the barrel. The two people who never noticed anyone outside of each other, for literal years.” Jesper choked out in between laughs.

 

            “Oh.” Kaz said dumbly, he felt out of his element. Yes, he knew people had looked at him before, apparently even Anika. But Kaz had never slowed down enough to pay the attention any mind, why would he? He never thought he would be able to fight against the sickness and ghosts that plagued his mind in order to be close to another person in any real way, physically or otherwise. Inej was the only exception, she had convinced him to try one more time to fight it. He was still fighting. Every saints-damned day. It was worth it to know what it felt like to sleep with her in his arms, to be able to kiss her lips, even just softly.

 

Inej was worth the swim across the harbor of his nightmares.

 

Inej was the only person who had caught his attention in years, and the only one who had ever made all thoughts drain from his mind with a laugh. It seemed fitting that the one person that Kaz Brekker noticed was the one who tried her best to blend in shadow, to be invisible. She stood out to him, Inej was brighter than anything he’d ever seen.

 

“Oh.” Inej parroted beside him. Kaz decided he could care less if this was a joke meant to be their expense, it was also the truth. Kaz had eyes for her and her alone.

 

Inej turned to him then and the smile she wore said she felt the same way. Inej picked up her glass of rum, Kaz caught on quickly and picked up his own bourbon from the low card table in front of them. They clinked glasses and sipped before they both leaned back into the couch smugly, almost in perfect tandem. Jesper’s jaw hung askew from its hinges of flesh on his face. Wylan was cackling already, his face red from laughter and drink. Anika simply shook her head, but a smile marred the blonde’s face. Greer was chuckling in between glances at Rotty. Clearly he’d caught Greer’s attention.

 

“That was disturbing.” Jesper chuckled and Kaz felt Inej inch only slightly closer to him, her thigh only a hairs-width away from his on the sofa.

 

            Quin returned shortly after, and Kaz listened as Inej told Rotty and Anika more detailed recants of her voyages, they’d never heard her stories. Her crewmates joined in. Wylan and Jesper had caught the attention of Roeder, who was now seated in a chair across from them, turns out Roeder had always had a keen interest in shooting and Jesper was gesturing wildly about how to aim with different firearms, occasionally Kaz would join into one conversation or another. It was strange, how normal this felt. Kaz had thought he’d feel like he wanted to leave the first moment possible, it wasn’t the case. The only thing Kaz craved that could only be obtained in private was to kiss Inej. He wanted her closer than she was, he wanted to feel her palm in his, even through gloves.

 

            After some time, and at least two more rounds of drinks, Kaz could admit he was buzzed right alongside the rest of them. He felt warm, his mind was still fairly clear. It was a comfortable kind of buzz, the kind that only made his muscles feel looser, his leg stopped throbbing almost entirely. Greer had moved to another table to talk with Specht as well as Roeder. Rotty and Anika were across from Kaz and Inej, Jesper and Wylan were on the left still, Quin on the right.

 

            “Care to play a round of straight shot?” Quin asked as she pulled out a deck of cards from her pocket. Kaz felt Inej tense beside him, her eyes flicked to Jesper. Jesper had never much cared for straight shot, but Kaz felt the same unease for their friend bloom in his stomach.

 

            “Stop looking at me like that, I’ll watch and help Wylan. We’ll play as a team, I won’t join. Don’t let me stop you.” Jesper said with a flick of his umber wrist. Kaz noticed a slight downturn in his expression. It was Jesper’s only expression of shame.

 

            “That’s a smart move, Jes.” Inej voiced softly. Kaz noticed Wylan lay an encouraging hand on Jesper’s knee. Kaz looked away from the smile his two friends shared, it felt private. Kaz understood those moments now, he had them with Inej. It was the moments when the world could burn and he wouldn’t notice even if his blazer caught fire; he would be too trapped in the silent conversation with her.

           

            Kaz noticed Inej shake her head in Quin’s direction at the sight of her raised brows; telling her not to ask what the problem was. Kaz found he liked the kaelish woman well enough, she seemed strong, loyal to Inej. He also remembered the story Inej had written in her journal regarding her ginger third in command, it was another devastating tale of the slave trade.

 

            “You deal, Cap.” Quin passed the cards to Inej and Inej promptly dropped the card box onto Kaz’s lap. Rotty chuckled, the message was clear. Kaz was the best dealer amongst them by a long shot. Considering he was the only one who actually dealt the tables.

 

            Kaz sighed and Inej’s eyebrows raised, her eyes shined in challenge. When Kaz made no move for the cards, Inej huffed a breath.

 

            “Fine. I’ll do it, but you’ll be annoyed.” Inej mumbled, though a devilish little grin spread on her lips. Inej grabbed the box back up and took the cards out, before painstakingly trying to bridge them in a shuffle.

 

            Kaz groaned at the catastrophe of her shuffling, causing Jesper to throw his head back in laughter right alongside a chorus of chuckles from Anika and Rotty.

 

            Kaz reached and ripped the cards back from Inej’s hands gently. She smiled smugly and flipped a dark lock of hair over her shoulder. It was a motion that only said “told you so.”

 

            “We need to work on that. Your hands need practice.” Kaz grumbled as he began to bridge the cards skillfully, the feeling familiar beneath the leather of his gloves.

 

            “Was that an innuendo?” Jesper choked out, almost spitting whiskey everywhere.

 

            “Most definitely not, if it was, he would not be saying my hands need work.” Inej quipped easily, she winked in Kaz’s direction. Kaz recalled how Inej had once told him to come back at Jesper about their private physical life to get him to cease his jokes. Kaz fucking loved when Inej clapped back at others. Her wit just made him want to kiss her more.

 

            Fuck. Inej winked at him. She was going to kill him. Inej was going to kill him slowly, with looks just like that. Kaz could not contemplate what Inej meant about her hands. Her wink would surely haunt his sleep. Whether dreams or nightmares remained to be seen.

 

            Jesper laughed unabashedly and so did everyone else. Kaz couldn’t be bothered to care if anyone else in the lounge had overheard that part of their conversation, it did not confirm a relationship between himself and Inej. It was just drink-fueled banter in the eyes of an outsider.

 

            “How about a wager? No kruge, just drinks!” Anika piped up, her posture perking up. Kaz sighed but relented at the nudge in his thigh from Inej’s own. Kaz did not allow himself to get well and truly drunk often, there was too much room for error in the barrel when one’s mind was unclear. Kaz supposed, though, tonight may be an exception. This was his club, everything he’d spent years working for seen to cultivation. This was his gang. He was their leader. He decided if he was to show any level of comradery to anyone in the gang outside of Inej and Jes and Wylan, it would be Anika and Rotty.

 

            Kaz began to deal the cards out in a circle around the small table before them, he felt Inej’s eyes on him. Once he finished, he turned to look at her. Inej was smiling.

 

            “What?” Kaz whispered as the others began to pick up their dealt hands, talking amongst themselves.

 

            “Your dealing face is my fourth favorite.” Inej mumbled as she flicked up her own hand and began to examine the cards.

 

            “What’s first?” Kaz asked despite himself, the bourbon lending give to his vocal chords too, apparently.

 

            “Scheming face.” Inej chuckled, he noticed the way she bit her lip slightly when she reorganized the cards in her hand.

            Kaz decided he was going to kiss her as soon as he could. The moment the door of the Attic closed when they got back to the Slat. Kaz didn’t think he’d ever wanted to kiss her as much, but he’d told himself that a hundred times over, hadn't he?

 

           

 

            Four rounds of cards and about three drinks later, Inej’s crew bid their goodbyes, it was sometime after twelve bells. The Club was still in full swing as was the lounge, but apparently none of Inej’s crew had wanted to stay late. Kaz watched as Inej trailed them to the stairway that led them out of the lounge, he knew Inej was not sober. She did not sway in her walk; she was eternally the acrobat. But, she had this way of talking more with her hands when she was drunk, it was subtle but Kaz noticed. She was doing it now as she made plans to work on her ship with Specht. Kaz loved it.

 

            Kaz stood up from his spot on the sofa, the others were wrapped up in conversation and paid him no mind. He walked to where Inej stood by the stairs. Kaz had decided to take the opportunity to have a moment alone with Inej, perhaps he could not wait until they returned to the Slat.

 

Not when she looked so saints-damning beautiful.

 

            “May I have a moment?” Kaz asked her softly when Specht disappeared down the stairs. Inej turned to look at him and she nodded subtly.

 

            Kaz walked them across the lounge and down a short hallway that led to a private parlor, only big enough for one gaming table. It would be used for high rollers who didn’t want to be on the floor of the Club. The small parlor would be available for reservation only. It was also a room that Kaz had dedicated to his own use when not reserved, he planned to invite Jesper and Wylan to this parlor for a card night, away from the temptation for Jesper but also a way for him to come to the Club safely. A place that he could enjoy a game with no bets, no gamble.

 

            Kaz unlocked the door and gestured for Inej to go first. Thankfully, Kaz didn’t worry about disappearing from the lounge with Inej in front of the Dregs. Inej was the Wraith. Anyone would assume he was accepting information from his best spy.

 

            Inej smiled at him as she moved past and entered the small room, the chandelier was on dimly above the card table, casting the room in a warm glow. The maroon walls reflected the light softly. Kaz took a deep breath at the sight of Inej spinning in a small circle, taking in the details. Her boots clicked softly on the dark wood floors. There was a painting of the Crow and Cup on the wall in black and white. Kaz had commissioned it from Marya, Wylan’s mother, while Inej was on her voyage. Marya had tried to refuse payment from Kaz but he did not relent. He had paid her enough to help Wylan with the finishing of her gallery at the Van Eck mansion.

            Inej paused her spin and looked to him, her eyes gave him a glimpse of the happiness she felt. Kaz wanted… he wanted to try. He wanted to kiss her the way he had dreamed of kissing her. His eyes met hers and he didn’t know how long they looked at each other, a second or a minute. They came to an agreement in their silence.

 

            Something snapped in Kaz’s chest. He had to try. He wanted to kiss the girl he loved the way she deserved to be kissed. He leaned his cane against the wall, he slipped the gloves off of his hands. He didn’t want this memory clouded with leather. 

 

Kaz walked to Inej, his feet moving on their own accord. Inej met him halfway. Kaz’s hands came up and he brought them delicately to her cheeks, her skin warm and soft beneath his palms. Her eyes were caramel pools, her pupils wide. Kaz didn’t see the shadows of her demons, he didn’t feel the water. Kaz didn’t know if it was the bourbon he had to thank or one of her saints, but Kaz couldn’t care less.

 

Kaz Brekker leaned down to his girl, and he kissed her. He kissed her softly first. Then her lips moved against his, he pulled her closer to him. It was searing, desperate, a kiss worth waiting for. He deepened that kiss as much as he dared so as not to tempt the water. He’d kiss her better, someday. This alone was a victory he once never considered possible. Kaz felt her hands rest gently at his sides. His thumbs brushed her cheeks, he felt her pulse at the tips of his fingers beneath her jaw, it beat a rhythm that was as furious as his own. Kaz did the one thing he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about being able to do. He gently bit her lip the way she always did.

 

Inej smiled into that kiss then, he’d never tasted anything so sweet.

 

Her smile tasted like salvation.

Chapter 41: Victory

Summary:

A test of limits.

Notes:

Chapter 41! This one honestly is mostly fluff, but it had two scenes I really wanted to write and one of them is a big deal for one of our two favorite people. So i hope you love it! I'm super excited for what I have coming up and I hope you guys are too! Thank you so much for all the support, and as usual, drop me a comment with any thoughts or feelings! I love you all and thanks again!

 

PS- This one was written rather quickly so please forgive me if I missed any errors in my revision and if it's not as good as the rest of them- I still really love this chapter though!

INEJ

 

            “Want to go back to the house and drink out of my father’s vintage whiskey collection?” Wylan laughed from across Inej. Wylan and herself had ended up at a table by themselves playing a round of go-fish. Kaz and Jesper were across the lounge; they had gone to get drinks twenty minutes’ prior and clearly got caught in a conversation with Rotty at the bar. Inej smiled to herself as she watched Kaz from across the room. He wasn’t exactly smiling, but she saw a slight quirk on his lips, he was nodding and he laughed along with Jesper at something the burly Dregs member said. It wasn’t a free laugh, it was more reserved, but it was a laugh amongst others. It was a start for Kaz. Inej had sobered up some after the kiss Kaz had given her an hour prior in the private parlor. She still felt butterflies in her stomach, it had been the kiss she’d dreamt about.

 

            That kiss was the moment you stepped onto the wire. It was adrenaline as the wind whipped around your face and the anticipation before every balanced step.

            It was around two bells, not quite late in the barrel. Inej had to admit going back to the Van Eck mansion and drinking and laughing in private with her friends sounded appealing, but only if Kaz came too. She was thankful that the mansion was big enough that if they did go back, there would be no danger of waking her parents or Wylan’s mother. Her parents had attended a gallery in the University district with Marya tonight, Inej was happy that her parents had been able to have a night out with her, she rarely got out and she seemed to enjoy the company of Inej’s parents. Much like Mama and Papa enjoyed hers.

 

            “That sounds delightful, I always love the chance to swindle your father further while he rots in a jail cell.” Inej chuckled and Wylan laughed alongside her as he cleaned up their cards.

 

            “Shall we tell them or let them come find us when they’re ready?” Wylan giggled with a motion of his hand toward Jesper and Kaz across the room.

 

            “We’ll invite them, if they want to stay for longer they can and it’s their fault if we’re slap happy drunk without them when they get to the house.” Inej smiled deviously.

 

            “Oh Inej, we should do this more often.” Wylan smiled and slipped the deck of cards into his pocket as he stood up and offered Inej his arm. Inej took it with a grin and walked with Wylan across the lounge. Some of the Dregs had made their way down to the main floor of the Club, turns out there was more a chance of finding partners for the evening amongst pigeons. Many of them were still in full swing celebrating around the lounge, though. As they walked, Inej noticed Roeder and Anika by the balcony, it looked like they were drunkenly flirting by the way Anika kept smiling and Roeder stood close to her. Inej did not want to see the awkward sobriety in the morning of that sure mistake. She could be wrong, though. Inej didn’t feel like she knew Roeder or Anika well enough truly to make that call.

 

            “Hey you!” Jesper exclaimed with a grin when he saw Wylan as they approached the bar arm in arm. Wylan smiled and Inej saw Kaz rake his eyes over her, his eyes told her he was thinking of the kiss just as much as she was. Rotty smiled in greeting but he grabbed his drink and made his way over to a group of Dregs across the bar.

 

            “We’re going back to the house to drink vintage. You are welcome to join, but if you want to stay for longer since you’re both the owners, you can find myself and the lovely Inej here drunk off our asses in our living room.” Wylan proclaimed, his sapphire eyes sparkling. Inej chuckled beside him and she saw Kaz’s lips quirk once more.

 

            “Fuck, that does sound appealing, what do you think, Brekker?” Jesper turned to Kaz with a grin. Inej wanted Kaz alone, too. Inej decided the best of both worlds could be obtained by going back to the Van Eck mansion tonight instead of the Slat. They could enjoy a few more hours amongst friends and then retire to her room, blissfully private and alone.

 

            “What type of criminal would I be if I objected at the opportunity to drink whiskey older than myself in a mercher’s house I’d previously robbed?” Kaz quipped and Jesper and Wylan smiled. Inej felt excitement bloom in her stomach, she was sure this had been one of her favorite nights in her entire life.

 

            “We’ll meet you there, I want to make sure the tenders and dealers downstairs are equipped for the rest of the night. Jes if you could check in with those up here, make sure they know what’s expected of them tomorrow shift wise?” Kaz continued. Inej saw the excitement in Jesper’s eyes when he nodded eagerly, Kaz was asking him to help as his co-owner. Not as Dreg’s. As a legitimate business partner and owner of the Crow Club. Inej felt warmth close her heart in an embrace.

 

            Inej and Wylan added their confirmation quietly, Inej spared a small personal smile for Kaz before she turned to follow Wylan on their mission for amber spirits at the Van Eck mansion.

 

            Not forty minutes later, Inej and Wylan were poking around the liquor cellar at the house, joking and reading ridiculous names off of vintage bottles of booze older than both of them combined. Inej had never been in the cellar before, it was a room lined with shelves made of a dark rich wood, the Van Eck crest was stamped into the wood of each shelf. Wylan had lit lamps on the wall sconces, it gave the room a soft sort of glow reminiscent of the golden liquids the room housed.

 

            “So how are things with you and Jes?” Inej asked as she used her sleeve to dust off a label from a bottle on a bottom shelf.

 

            “They’re good, Inej. They’re so good.” Wylan smiled as he leaned against the shelf beside her, the light causing his hair to display the many tones of titian and cardinal mixed together.

 

            “I’m glad to hear it, I’ve never seen Jesper so happy as when he’s with you.” Inej answered honestly with a soft smile.

 

            “Care to share how the hell you managed to get close to Kaz?” Wylan jested with a giggle, he reached above Inej to grab a large bottle of something surely twice her age.

 

            Inej pondered for a moment, a smile crept onto her lips. Her face felt warm, she’d never really had to explain it to anyone besides her parents. Wylan raised his eyebrows at the sight of blush marring her cheeks. The ginger laughed softly.

 

            “I guess Kaz and I are two sides of the same coin. We’re different but made of the same metal.” Inej voiced, she felt a flutter in her stomach.

 

            “I can see that.” Wylan answered easily as he fumbled in a drawer for a corkscrew behind her.

 

            “It’s just… it was always slow with us. I can’t pick just one thing that brought us together. It was a thousand moments, even the bad ones. Kaz he’s… he’s like me. We’re both so stubborn, we refuse to give up.” Inej found herself continuing.

 

            “I agree.” Inej startled and dropped the bottle of whiskey she’d been holding, the glass shattered everywhere and Wylan threw his head back laughing. Stone on stone. Kaz.

 

            “Holy shit I’ve never seen you jump before, Wraith!” Jesper chuckled from the doorway, behind Kaz who had clearly heard what she’d said. Inej felt her face grow warmer than it ever had, she refused to turn around and look at her newly arrived friends.

 

            “I thought I was the only one who could turn that shade of red!” Wylan was close to tears in his laughter, his words came out choked. Inej glared directly at him. She could not believe she hadn’t heard Kaz, she was less sober than she’d thought. She hadn’t been paying attention, or aware.

           

            “I am not red.” Inej finally turned around and completely avoided the eyes of Jesper and Kaz as she made her way around them, she felt a smile on her face despite her embarrassment. She was on a mission to fetch a broom from upstairs for the broken glass. Behind her, she heard Jesper make his way to Wylan. Inej made it only a few steps down the hall before she heard the rap of a cane right behind her.

 

            “Inej. Wait.” Kaz rasped and Inej was helpless but to still. She was not used to embarrassment because of clumsiness, she was the wraith. Clumsy wasn’t in her repertoire.

 

            “What?” Inej asked, her back still turned to him. She was not upset that she’d broken the bottle. She was just flustered that she had not noticed Kaz or Jesper.

 

            Kaz moved to stand in front of her, she saw a smile peek through his facial features.

 

            “Even the bad moments?” Kaz asked softly. She was still avoiding his eyes, but something in his tone made her look up to his gaze. Inej knew he was referring to what she had just said to Wylan, about their relationship. There was something written on his face that Inej couldn’t quite decipher, something like appreciation.

 

            Inej nodded. All of those moments had led them to here and now, a thousand stupid jibes on Kaz’s part, their disagreements on jobs, their wounds. All of those things contributed to the journey they’d been on these years. Years of partnership that led to partnership in another sense entirely, while still encompassing the old pieces.

 

            Damnit. The dimple. It was the smile with the dimple that he showed her now.

 

            Inej would drop a thousand bottles of vintage spirits if it led to more of those smiles.

 

            Inej left to retrieve the broom with a singular vow to herself to kiss him again tonight. Preferably when he wore that smile.

 

           

KAZ

 

            They were all settled into the sofas in the Van Eck living room and at least three drinks into the bottle of vintage they’d opened from the liquor cellar.

 

            Kaz was drunk. He knew it. He was not completely gone by any means, he could walk straight, but he was beyond the point of buzz. Kaz had only drank this much one other time in recent memory, it had been while Inej was at sea and he’d had a card night with Jesper and Wylan in this very house.

 

Inej was pressed into his side and Kaz felt nothing but warmth throughout his entire body as he listened to Jesper hiccup through a shanty that had become his favorite from Inej’s voyages. It was the dirtiest song Kaz had ever heard, which was saying something for a barrel rat like himself. Wylan was beside himself with chuckles.

 

“Bed?” Inej mumbled from beside him, she didn’t lift her head off his shoulder.

 

Yes. Yes. Please. Kaz’s drunk mind was more than happy to say to hell with the rest of the world and lay down with Inej and just fucking look at her.

 

A few minutes later, they were entering Inej’s room a floor above. Kaz was pleased with the realization that he’d since brought a fresh suit for himself to reside here, it was now hanging on the hangers Inej had cleared for him in her wardrobe, as well as some sleep trousers and a t-shirt.

 

Kaz heard Inej click the door shut and lock it behind them as he walked to the chair by her dressing table, shrugging out of his blazer and un-cuffing the links at his wrists. Kaz heard a deep sigh from Inej and he turned around to see her leaning against the door, she ran a hand through her hair, posture still as perfect as ever even with the drink. She was staring at him. There was a grimace on her face. Kaz didn’t know why.

 

“What?” Kaz asked softly, pausing his movements.

 

“It’s unfair. It’s so unfair.” Inej released a shaky breath with a disbelieving chuckle. Kaz was confused, her eyes said she was happy, but her actions were telling him something else.

 

“What is, Love?” Kaz asked as he took a step in her direction. He had no barriers left on his person now, he just wanted to be close to her. Kaz drunkenly wondered if alcohol unlocked the cage around his heart.

 

“You look like that and I can’t just… saints, Kaz. I can’t just do everything I want to. You look like that and I want everything I never thought I’d want again.” Inej leaned her head back against the door in frustration.

 

Kaz didn’t know what to make of her admission. Inej wanted him as much as he wanted her. Inej was looking at him with so much desire he didn’t know how he’d earned it. He felt his skin warm under the weight of her eyes. What the hell did Inej see in him?

 

“Come here.” Kaz rasped. Inej raised a brow but straightened anyways. Kaz wasn’t sure what he was doing, but Inej felt the frustration with their demons as much as he did. He wanted… he wanted her to believe that they’d get there. He wanted to reassure her. He wanted her to know he’d fight every day, for her. To love her in every sense of the word.

 

Inej stood before him now, her eyes asking him questions. Kaz was definitely not sure this would work. He didn’t know if the water would rise, but he just wanted to let her know he was working on himself as much as she’d been fighting her own battles.

 

Kaz reached for her hand with his bare one, gloves discarded since he’d entered the Van Eck mansion. Inej tilted her head just slightly when he raised her hand up to the buttons of his shirt. He’d let her do this, if she wanted.

 

Kaz would fight back any demons that came for them with his bare hands. He would fight this battle skin on skin.

 

Inej’s breath hitched. He searched her eyes and only saw surprise, no shadows. Inej undid his tie first, slowly. Kaz did not let his eyes leave hers, they were still in safe territory for him. Inej’s trauma triggered differently, he would not watch her vanish.

 

The tie dragged off his neck, fisted in her bronze fingers. She dropped it over his shoulder onto the chair behind him. Kaz noticed her fingers shake just subtly as her hand came up to the first button of his shirt.

 

“Go on.” Kaz whispered, Inej nodded and took a deep breath. She undid the first button, then the next; looking back to his eyes after every unlatching.

 

Inej finished until the last button disappeared below his belt, Kaz untucked his shirt for her, she undid the last button. Inej asked with her eyes if she could push his shirt off, Kaz took a deep breath but flicked his eyes down to his open shirt in answer. Inej’s hands came up to his shoulders, she gently pushed the fabric off of him, careful to not brush his skin. The shirt fell to the ground and Inej’s eyes raked over his bare top half. Inej had seen him like this loads of times, but it was the only time she’d been this close. This was the only time anyone had ever undressed Kaz Brekker.

 

Inej looked to him once more, her eyes asking a question. Kaz wasn’t sure what she wanted to do, but he felt only courage as he nodded once.

           

Inej stood on her toes, she placed a warm and gentle kiss on the juncture between his neck and shoulder, the same place he’d kissed her twice before.

 

One kiss ended in a nightmare, the other in a dream.

 

Kaz felt it, even the liquor couldn’t hold back every drop of water. Kaz steeled himself, he focused on the warmth of Inej’s lips, he thought of everything he’d do to just be near to her. The water began to dry, corpses disintegrated. It was a war in the span of a heartbeat. Then, it was all there. Inej, love, warmth.

 

Kaz felt like his body turn to molten wax under her flames. Inej kissed him once more before she kissed up his neck, all the way to his jawline.

 

This was how Kaz Brekker died, not with a gunshot by the devil, but with a kiss from a saint. He was sure of it.

 

“I love you, mera chaar.” Inej’s lips brushed his jaw as she whispered.

 

            Inej pulled away, they both smiled like drunken idiots in the middle of her bedroom.

 

            The true intoxication came from victory instead of whiskey.

 

It was a battle won, together.

 

 

 

Kaz slept shirtless, under the sheets that night. He hadn’t even thought about it as he pulled Inej close, her head on his chest. It was the quickest he’d ever fallen asleep.

Chapter 42: A Hunt

Summary:

A reunion for a job.

Notes:

Chapter 42! AHHH. Super excited for this chapter and what's to come on the horizon!!! I hope you guys love this one. Seriously. As usual, Thank you a billion times over for reading and supporting this story, I love each and every one of you.

As always, let me know what you think in the comments! I love hearing from you all and chatting! All thoughts and feelings are welcomed and encouraged! Thanks again!

 

INEJ

 

            “Good morning, Mama!” Inej chirped as she made her way into the Van Eck dining room for breakfast. Inej leaned down and pressed a kiss to her cheek and Mama turned to smile and squeeze Inej’s hand on her shoulder as she poured out more coffee.

 

            “Good morning, my girl. How was your night with your friends? Kaz’s opening was a success?” Sharya Ghafa asked as Inej settled into a seat next to her mother.

 

            “A success is an understatement, but I can tell you right now, Mrs. Ghafa, I am hungover and I am so sorry.” Jesper chuckled from across Inej and Sharya. Wylan was half asleep with his head leaned back in a chair beside Jesper.

 

            “I take it your avri is upstairs?” Sharya chuckled at Jesper’s comment before turning back to her daughter.

 

            “Yes, how did you know?” Inej asked as she filled a mug of coffee for herself.

 

            Sharya motioned to the shirt of Kaz’s Inej was wearing. Inej laughed, it was a fair assumption even if Inej would have worn it to sleep if Kaz had not been here. Inej had left Kaz upstairs to shower, she knew he would not be like the rest of them, coming downstairs to the breakfast table in sleep trousers. Inej didn’t even try to convince him otherwise with her parents in the house, even though they wouldn’t have cared one bit. Inej had been pleasantly surprised to find Kaz still beside her in bed when she woke, despite it being almost nine bells in the morning. When she’d raised her brows to him he had shrugged. Inej knew it meant he hadn’t wanted to leave yet and after the club opening, most of the Dregs were surely still sleeping off liquor and poor choices as well. The morning was always quiet in the barrel but today it would be even more so.

 

            Inej busied herself with talking with her mother about her respective night at the gallery with Marya, it turns out her parents had a wonderful time. It had been a clear headed day for Marya and she had taught them much about the pieces they’d viewed and Sharya was beside herself with happiness that Marya asked her to have coffee with her this afternoon as well. Inej couldn’t help but let her smile shine despite her slightly pounding head, she was glad her parents had made another friend in Ketterdam, and Marya needed friends as well. A few moments later, Inej heard the click of a cane on the living room floor, making its way to the dining room.

 

            “Good morning,” Kaz said from behind Inej in the doorway. She turned to see him immaculately dressed, his harsh lines crisp and smooth. Not a raven hair out of place. Gloves on. She was dimly aware of her own wrecked hair, slightly disheveled sleep clothes, and smudged coal under her eyes.

 

Kaz still looked at her like she was the treasure he’d like to steal from a safe.

 

            “Good morning, Kaz.” Mama smiled and Kaz actually managed to smile freely. It was only obvious to Inej that he was still somewhat unnerved talking to her parents. She was pleased, every time he came out of his shell even a little bit around them. Kaz was trying, that’s all that mattered to Inej. It meant so much to her for her parents to see glimpses of the boy she’d seen in private, the boy who laughed and smiled, who was rather funny, who had more wit than the saint’s should have allowed in anyone. The boy who was fiercely kind to those he truly cared about. Inej had fallen for every side of Kaz, but she loved seeing these glimpses of Rietveld.

 

            “Mrs. Ghafa,” Kaz inclined his head slightly.

 

            “Sharya. Please. I will not have my daughter’s boy call me anything formal. Besides I look fantastic for my age and it makes me feel old.” Mama laughed and Inej saw Kaz nod, a smile on his face. Jesper chuckled too in between bites of a muffin on his plate. Wylan was full blown passed out, his arms crossed in front of him on the table.

 

            “Mr. Brekker,” Papa’s voice came from behind Kaz. Inej saw Kaz freeze, his pupils widened. Kaz had not heard her father approach, nor sensed him. Kaz was startled. Inej almost choked on her coffee.

 

            “Uh, Morning.” Kaz rasped, his voice shook almost imperceptibly.

 

            “I startled you.” Papa clapped Kaz on the shoulder with a grin on his face, his hand only touched Kaz’s blazer, no danger of skin contact. Kaz was still dumbstruck, he didn’t even nod.

 

            “Good. Reminds you that I’m as silent as the girl I raised, Mr. Brekker. Food for thought.” Papa continued through a laugh before he made his way to Inej, and she displayed her cheek for a morning kiss.

 

            “That scares even me. Good luck, Kaz.” Jesper jested, silver eyes glimmering in the slight sun coming in from the windows. Inej saw Kaz swallow quickly before he moved his feet and sat down in a seat across from Inej. She spared him a private smile as her mother inquired Jesper about his own father’s wellbeing in Noyvi Zem. Kaz raised his eyebrows in response. It was a look that screamed “I’m disturbed, Wraith.” Inej wanted to laugh at the way Kaz glanced in Papa’s direction every so often. Inej knew her father’s intimidation was in good fun, Inej was grateful that Kaz seemed to as well, even if he was still reeling from someone getting the high ground on him.

 

            A few moments later, Inej was listening to Jesper and Kaz talk about things they’d like to alter at the Club after seeing how it ran last night. Alterations included adding a slightly larger width door at the front for crowds, her father joined in and recommended double doors that could prop wide open in the summer time. Inej lost herself in enjoying the pastry spread before her and the quiet morning conversation around her.

 

            “Excuse me, sorry to interrupt, a missive for Mr. Brekker.” The maid Elena came in from the living room, holding a folded note in her hands. Inej froze, who would bother Kaz while he was here unless it was urgent? Inej recalled that Kaz would have probably told Anika that he was not returning to the Slat last night, ensuring his lieutenant at the very least knew where to find him in case of something truly important. Anika would not risk Kaz’s ire unless it was extremely important. Inej saw Jesper tilt his head as well. Inej’s parents would not have known how odd it was that Kaz would receive word here. Inej felt unease boil in her gut, this had to be important.

 

            Kaz stood and nodded to Elena as he took the missive, mumbling an “excuse me” as he made his way to the living room to read the note privately. Inej contemplated for only a moment before she excused herself as well, sending Jesper a look that she hoped conveyed “standby”. She noticed a slight tilt of his head that said he understood as he continued listening to Papa talk.

 

            Inej drifted silently into the living room to find Kaz by the mantle, quickly scanning and re-scanning the missive. Inej saw the way his eyebrows scrunched slightly, whatever it was had upset him.

 

            “What business?” Inej asked softly as she made her way across the room to him. Kaz looked up to her quickly before looking back down to the note. He released a heavy sigh and passed the missive to Inej.

 

            K-

 

            Word arrived for you this morning, a messenger from the estate of that financer we targeted, Charles Hester. I didn’t open it but it felt like something you might want to know, considering the wraith was also shot that same night. I don’t know if that was entirely related but I didn’t want to risk not telling you as soon as possible.

 

            All is well otherwise.

 

            Anika

 

            Inej read the note and re-read it for good measure. Charles Hester now knew of Kaz’s involvement with the robbery on his home, one way or another. Or, he knew that Kaz had killed his employer’s messenger, the man Henrik. Inej wanted to scream. Charles Hester was the last person she wanted to think about after such a beautiful night. Although, Inej mused, hadn’t their plan been to allow anyone spying on Kaz or herself to see them at the Club together? They had spent the entire night at a table nearest the balcony looking over the general public on the floor of the Crow Club, anyone could have looked up to see Inej amongst the Dregs, sitting next to Kaz. Either their plan was working swimmingly, drawing out Hester’s employer in the Slave trade, or something had gone wrong.

 

            “I have to go back to the Slat.” Kaz rasped, effectively breaking the spell Inej’s thoughts had put her under.

 

            “I’ll go with you.” Inej answered easily.

 

            “No, stay. Have breakfast with your parents, tell them I’m sorry.” Kaz responded as he ran a gloved hand over the side of his head.

 

            “Didn’t ask.” Inej quipped back and Kaz rolled his eyes.

 

            “I recognize why people hate that now.” Kaz mumbled.

 

            “You’re still going to say it though, so I will too.” Inej replied, letting a small smile return to her face.

 

            “I fucking hate this man, Inej. I really do.” Kaz was gripping the head of his cane tightly. Inej knew why he hated Charles Hester so much, it was the same reason she felt her blood boil and her stomach curdle every time they even spoke his name.

 

            “Then let’s go find out what he wants and destroy him with whatever information we glean.” Inej tried, she wanted him to know she was not upset about the call of work. They had big plans, big people to destroy. They’d do it together.

           

            At this, Kaz’s eyes reignited, light returning to his irises.

 

            “Brick by brick.” Kaz mumbled, he took the missive from Anika from Inej’s hand and tore it to bits before tossing it into the fireplace to burn later that day when cold seeped in. Kaz turned back to Inej and she was surprised when he wrapped his arms around her. Inej was learning that Kaz sometimes needed these touches now, to keep his anger from burning him from within. Inej was happy he leaned on her this way now, she wanted to share all of their burdens. His on her shoulders, and hers on his. It was why her spirit had found its match in him.

 

            Inej shivered when Kaz’s gloved fingers slipped under her shirt and traced circles onto her lower back. She didn’t mind the gloves when there were other people were around, it helped Kaz to be present. She knew he’d take them off when they were alone, that was all Inej had ever wanted from him.

           

            “Did you all leave breakfast to cuddle?” Inej heard Jesper from the doorway to the dining room. Inej did not move her head from Kaz’s chest, he made no move to let go of her, either.

 

            “Don’t be jealous, Jes. Wylan is asleep, but I’m sure you could coax him to snuggle you if you try hard enough.” Inej mumbled and she felt Kaz’s chest rumble with a soft chuckle.

 

            “I’m not jealous, I’m disturbed.” Jesper quipped and Inej finally forced herself out of the cloud of cinnamon and smoky bourbon that emanated from Kaz’s embrace.

 

            “What was the missive? Everything good?” Jesper continued when Inej turned to face him alongside Kaz.

 

            “Work. It’s fine.” Kaz grumbled as he straightened his tie.

 

            “Had to be important if someone had to find you here?” Jesper pushed.

 

            “Charles Hester sent a letter for Kaz back to the Slat. We have to go find out what it’s about.” Inej answered before Kaz could snap at Jesper, she felt his irritation in the air. Kaz had also not drank even one cup of coffee.

 

Inej was learning that caffeine was an important part of a mild tempered Kaz Brekker. Or, as mild as Kaz got.

 

“That’s the financer that you guys targeted, right?” Jesper asked quietly, lowering his tone enough that Inej’s parents would not hear from the other side of the door in the dining room. Inej nodded, not bothering to conceal the shiver that went through her frame at yet another mention of the grotesque husk of a man who haunted her worst nightmares.

 

“Why does it seem personal? I know you told me he works for the trade, Inej, but you look like you’re going to be sick just from talking about him.” Jesper pushed once more. Inej felt Kaz tense beside her, he was ready to tell Jesper to go to hell and she knew it. She knew Kaz wasn’t actually angry with Jesper, but Kaz wanted to defend her.

 

Inej didn’t need defending, it was her truth to bare to her best friend if she so chose. She loved Kaz for his protectiveness, but this was her choice.

 

“He…. He frequented the Menagerie, Jes.” Inej whispered. She felt her skin turn clammy, her head suddenly felt too heavy on her shoulders for this conversation. She wanted to tell Jesper the truth though, at least the short-handed version of it. Kaz’s pinky brushed hers and she interlocked hers with his without a second thought.

 

Kaz was lending her strength even when he was about ready to beat people with his cane; namely Jesper in this moment.

 

Inej watched as Jesper realized what she was implying, the truth looked like it hit her zemini friend square in the jaw. Jesper’s eyes narrowed in an anger that Inej had never seen from her friend, it rivaled the anger she had only ever seen in Kaz’s eyes when she’d first told him the full story of her time in the Menagerie.

 

“Alright. That settles it. I’m coming out of retirement. Let’s go kill the son of a bitch, Brekker. Let me change pants and get my revolvers.” Jesper was already tapping his sides where his guns would sit, his energy bursting from his finger-tips. Kaz was nodding before Inej nudged him in the side.

 

“Fine. I like Jesper’s plan, but fine.” Kaz conceded, his voice lower and rougher than usual. It was laced with frustration, Inej knew Kaz wanted to kill Charles Hester more than perhaps even Pekka Rollins. It was Inej’s vengeance to deal, though. She knew Kaz would respect that.

 

“I like Jesper’s plan too. Let’s do what Jesper says.” Jesper added, already moving toward the stairs presumably for a change of clothes. Inej knew Jesper was very serious, Jesper was as protective as Kaz about those he loved, just in a different way.

 

“Jes. No. I need to get to the man who’s employing Hester. We can’t kill that lead, yet. There’s innocent people that need to be saved, that need me. Besides, I’ll kill him myself. You both know I’m capable. Let me do this my way.” Inej whispered.

 

Jesper and Kaz shared a look, both sighing almost in perfect tandem. A long moment passed before Jesper broke the silence.

 

“I’m going to help on this one. I’m coming back for this job. And before you say a damn word, Brekker, I didn’t ask.” Jesper spoke lowly and Inej saw Kaz nod in confirmation. She knew Kaz wouldn’t object to having his best sharp shooter help take down one of the worst people on their hit list.

 

 Charles Hester’s name was underlined on that list in innocent blood.

 

Inej nodded to Jesper as well, she felt her heart swell when Jesper winked at her. It was a wink that said only “I got your back.”

 

Dirtyhands, The Wraith, and the Sharpshooter were going on a hunt for retribution once more.

Chapter 43: A Key

Summary:

A key and a routine revisited.

Notes:

Chapter 43! I hope you guys love this one! It's some plot building, some fluff! Thank you so so much to every single one of you for reading and supporting, you are all the best. Many thanks!

As always, leave me a comment with your thoughts and feelings! I love interacting with you all and it makes my day! Thanks again!

 

PS- I've thought about adding a song to each chapter in the notes section from the playlist I've created for this story, would that interest any of you? I thought it might just be a fun and kind of personalized thing to add. Maybe not every chapter, but I have some songs I'd love to share that fit certain parts of this story so well. I have music taste across the board though so who knows if anyone would vibe with it. Let me know if you guys would be interested or like something like that!

INEJ

 

            The rooftops were slick with partially melted and re-frozen snow as Inej made her way across Ketterdam toward the Slat. Kaz would already be there, Inej had told him to go and she’d meet him there. First she’d had to explain to her parents that she’d be back either that night or the following day. Thankfully her parents did not seem bothered by the fact that Inej had work to attend to, especially when she’d promised them that both she and Kaz would attend dinner with them the night after next. Inej was looking forward to it, it gave her something else to focus on besides the looming Slave employer and the missive from Charles Hester. Inej had also promised Jesper to fill him in once any plans were made between herself and Kaz; she would include him as soon as possible. Inej left Jesper to tell Wylan of his involvement on this job, Inej hoped Wylan would understand. She knew Wylan worried for Jesper being close to the Dregs, not because of the people or even necessarily the crime, more because he did not want Jesper to slip up in his recovery and enter a gambling hall once more.

 

            Inej shimmied down a frozen solid drain pipe on the backside of the Slat before making her way in through the front door, the place was all but deserted. Inej saw Rotty passed out on the sofa in the common room to her left, she supposed it was still morning. Eleven bells, but she knew Rotty had drank much more than even herself and her friends the night prior for the opening. Most of the Dregs were already out pigeon poaching for the day, prepping the club for the second night of the expansion being open, or taking after Rotty and sleeping away a hangover.

 

            Inej tapped on Kaz’s office door, she heard his voice as well as Anika’s on the other side.

 

            “What?” Kaz snapped from the other side, Inej rolled her eyes and made a mental note to tell him to drink more caffeine. Inej opened the door and immediately saw Kaz regretted snapping, he had clearly expected one of the Dregs despite that she’d told him she was coming. Kaz ran a hand over the side of his head and Anika looked up from her seat across from Kaz’s desk, she looked haggard. Her tunic was wrinkled and her blonde hair on the unshaved side was knotted and in a disarray. Inej surmised that the delivery of the note from Hester’s estate had actually woken the blonde up. Inej wondered if she’d proceeded to make poor choices with Roeder or not, but she would never dare ask. It was not her business, and she and Anika were not close.

 

            “Morning, Wraith.” Anika said as she swirled coffee around in a chipped mug she was holding from the kitchen of the Slat. Inej mumbled a morning before coming to sit down in the other chair across from Kaz.

 

            “That will be all for now, Anika.” Kaz rasped, not bothering to look back up from the paper he’d picked up from his desk. Anika nodded, she seemed grateful for the dismissal and quickly made herself scarce, the office door clicked shut softly behind her. Kaz was silent for a long moment before he sighed and looked up, passing Inej the missive from Charles Hester.

 

            Mr. Brekker-

 

            I’d like to introduce myself, my name is Charles Hester. I work in finance, but I also have quite the side business.

 

I’m writing you because I have a job proposition for you, my employer seems to believe you have the pirate he’s looking for under your payroll. I’ve heard nothing but awful yet strangely wonderful things about you, sir. You see my proposition is this, a cut of my side business in exchange for your cut of business ties to the Captain of the ship called “The Wraith”. I’ve heard there’s no job you won’t do for the right price. You hand over the Captain or any/all information leading to her capture and prompt execution, and I can tell you that you and I will both become much richer men, Mr. Brekker. My employer had sent a messenger to you once, it seems he was not adequate in relaying our urgency. My employer expresses his deepest apologies for his error in sending you a message so brutally.

 

We have no qualm with you, Sir. We simply wish to make our business run more smoothly; and stuff both ours and your pockets on the way. My associate, Heleen of the lovely Menagerie, says you have traded in cold hard kruge with her in exchange for information in the past. She suspects there is truth to the Captain we seek being a part of your empire, based on the name of the Vessel we wish to annihilate. It seems Ketterdam once had a spy by the same name and title as the ship.  

 

I’d like to meet with you to discuss specifics, I’m sure we can come to an arrangement. If we do not, unfortunately, we will cut you out of the equation. My employer does not wish to make this decision, but it will be necessary if we do not eliminate this thieving pirate.

 

Think on it, Mr. Brekker. I’ll be in front of the Exchange at nine bells night, tomorrow evening. I will of course, be armed and well-guarded. I expect nothing less of you. A precaution, you understand.

 

Looking forward to meeting you in person. I hope we shall shake on a fortuitous business relationship going forward.

 

Sincerely,

 

Mr. Charles Hester

 

Inej felt her stomach turn. She read the note three times before she dropped it back on Kaz’s desk and bent with her head between her knees in her chair. Charles Hester didn’t know it had been Kaz who had robbed him, in fact it seemed he thought Inej herself had targeted him alone. He clearly did not know who Inej was, what she looked like. She suspected they had already tried spying on her ship, and were unsuccessful in picking her out without being able to get close enough to her dock. Besides, Inej had not been on her ship this past week. Only Specht and her crewmates who were still in Ketterdam. If they’d only begun trying to pick her out, they would not have found her. Inej knew that the news of Kaz’s murder of Henrik would have reached the employer behind all of this when neither Henrik nor his men returned to report back, wherever this deplorable man was hiding. Clearly Heleen did not realize Inej was also that same captain, she probably presumed Kaz had given the same title to another under his employ, marking the ship as part of the Dregs.

 

“Inej.” Kaz rasped, Inej had been lost in her thoughts, trying to let her stomach settle. This vanilla man was the filth of the earth, she wished he would smell like his nature. He was anything but sweet. Hester spoke of human slavery so easily, like it was nothing more than any honest business venture.

 

Saints, let me damn him to hell on your behalf.

 

“Inej.” Kaz tried again when she did not sit up. Inej took a deep breath before unfolding herself from her awkward position.

 

“I’m open to your thoughts but I’m thinking a gunshot to the head or a blade across his jugular will do nicely.” Kaz said when she finally met his eyes, his tone was light but Inej saw the eagerness in his eyes. Inej had already made a tentative plan in her head, but she’d need Kaz’s help with this monster of a scheme.

 

“No. You’re going to accept his offer to meet.” Inej said softly, venom leaking into her tone.

 

She’d only be able to cure her veins of this poison when Charles Hester’s blood dripped off one of her holy blades.

 

KAZ

 

            Kaz was still reeling from the tentative plan he’d spent the past few hours going over with Inej, he’d been surprised with her plan. His head was pounding; he’d been hungover with the rest of them. Kaz wanted nothing more than to say to hell with the rest of the day and go up to his attic with Inej. Kaz came to the conclusion he’d do just that after Inej excused herself for a shower, she’d foregone one at the mansion when they’d heard from Anika about the missive. Kaz was going to bring his work upstairs, he needed to go over all the sales numbers from the expansion opening night of the Crow Club and make sure all of the shift schedules were in order, he also needed to go over his plans to lift jewels in another job he was planning. His list kept growing.

 

            He also needed to kiss Inej and drink more water, he decided.

 

            Kaz figured there was nowhere he needed to be today, only work that could be done from his desk in his office or his desk upstairs. Kaz glanced at the clock, three bells in the afternoon. He should eat. He just wanted to go upstairs, he would eat later.

 

            A few minutes later, Kaz made his way up the stairs to the attic, he unlocked his door. He didn’t feel Inej. Inej had not said she was leaving, but Kaz figured perhaps she’d gone back to the mansion if she wanted to retrieve new clothes or things for her shower. Kaz opened the bathroom door to find the mirror was still steamed up, Inej had showered here already. Inej had only left his office perhaps thirty minutes’ prior. Kaz sighed, he was not willing to go back downstairs. His leg was stiff from the cold, he didn’t want to make that climb again until it was necessary. He decided he’d sit at his desk and Inej would return when she wanted to.

 

            Not twenty minutes passed before Kaz felt her near, he flicked his eyes to the snowy window ledge but she was not there. A soft knock sounded on his door, Kaz had not expected that. Inej never used the door to the Attic, both out of her favoritism to the window and in discretion to avoid any of the Dregs seeing her come into his rooms. Kaz stood up and unlocked the door to Inej standing on the landing with a paper bag in her arms, the scent of bacon radiated.

 

            “No one saw me come up, I came in downstairs thinking you’d be there and I couldn’t make the climb with this.” Inej said softly with a smile as she moved around him. Kaz closed and locked the door behind her. Inej hadn’t been able to come in through the door because of his copious amount of locks, he didn’t like that she hadn’t been able to come in. Kaz made a choice then.

 

            “I brought us lunch, from Savrene’s. I also got you this.” Inej continued as she sat the bag on the desk and reached within to produce a hot takeaway cup of coffee.

 

            Kaz didn’t remember why he wasn’t religious, he’d like to thank someone for creating Inej. Inej who brought him caffeine. She was a delight.

 

            Kaz didn’t hide his smile, he limped and took the cup from her, he paused and placed a kiss on her hair. It earned him a glimpse of blush on her cheeks. Kaz walked around his desk and took out his keys and unlocked the main drawer, he fished around in the back for the hidden compartment that hid what he was looking for. Inej raised a brow and he shook his head as he finally found what he had his sights on. Kaz took his hand out of the drawer and produced the spare skeleton key he had for his attic rooms. It unlocked all the locks on his door from the outside, no picking required. He was the only one who’d ever had a key. He passed the key to Inej.

 

            “What is it for?” Inej asked as she turned the key around in her hand.

 

            “The door.” Kaz gestured with his hand as he began to unpack the lunch she’d brought them. Inej glanced from him to the door and back again. She had a confused look on her face.

 

            “I only used the door because of the food.” Inej mumbled, he noticed her biting her lip absent mindedly.

 

            “Do I get to keep it?” Inej asked after a moment. Kaz got it then, her confused expression. Inej hadn’t thought the key was meant for her to keep. She’d thought he was showing it to her, showing her where it was in case she needed it- not for her own personal use.

 

            “I want you to have it. It’s your space as much as it is mine, now. Though I appreciate your use of the window both for our privacy and just because I like to see you there.” Kaz said without thinking, his truth slipping out of him without slowing. It surprised even him that he’d said the last part aloud. It had been worth it though when he saw Inej smile. She was already taking out a small key ring from her pocket that only had a few keys on it, presumably her key to the Van Eck mansion and to her quarters and brig on her ship. Kaz couldn’t help but let his own lips follow suit when she fumbled the key onto her ring and smiled to herself as she admired the new addition.

 

            “Thank you.” Inej said softly before she took a seat across from him at his desk to eat lunch.

 

            They’d spent the rest of the afternoon in mostly their comfortable silence before Kaz had left to make an appearance at the Club, Inej had opted to stay out of the snow. She promised she would be there when he returned. Kaz thought of the afternoon on his way to the Club, snowflakes dusting his coat and hat as he walked.

 

Inej had taken some time in the window sill, polishing her blades and sharpening them. Kaz had sat at his desk and worked over the numbers from the opening the night prior- they’d tripled what he initially expected in sales. He was thrilled, it was a piece of good news in light of the previously dim morning. Kaz had voiced the success aloud to Inej and she had looked up to him with a smile and the words displayed clearly in her eyes “I’m proud of you.” Kaz had been struck with a memory of Inej on a sunny day long ago, the first time he’d heard her laugh in earnest.

 

            Kaz still wished he could bottle the sound. Instead, he made her laugh every night in bed as she laid down beside him. The past version of himself would not believe he was sitting in this same room with Inej now, with every intention to hold her through the night.

 

 The sound of Inej’s blades on a whetstone, in her perch at the window, had brought Kaz only peace. It was something they’d done a thousand times when Inej had been in the Dregs. When Kaz thought of it, there had never been a real reason for himself and Inej to spend as much time together as they had; Roeder was his spider now, Kaz saw him only to talk business. It was a realization that brought warmth to his limbs, they’d always gravitated toward each other. It had been an unspoken agreement, they’d spend their afternoons together, each going about their own business. Kaz remembered when he’d convinced himself that he only enjoyed the routine they shared, not her. He’d known it was a lie to himself then- and now he could only laugh internally.

 

            It was always Inej that he craved, their routine was a result of the easy connection that bloomed between them even back then.

 

            It was near eleven bells when Kaz finally made it back to the Slat, satisfied with how the Club was running tonight. It had been equally as packed as the night prior, the lounge had been full of high rollers and Kaz knew they could expect similar sales this night as well. The Dregs would have a lovely payday; Kaz felt nothing but pride for himself and the gang who’d worked hard for this too.

 

Kaz himself had stepped in and dealt a game of three-man bramble to some of the high rolling pigeons, it had taken longer than he’d thought it would, he had expected to return an hour or two prior. Kaz was thankful when no one stopped him on his way up to the Attic, most Dreg’s members were working tonight, he suspected Arman might be the only other person in the Slat outside of Rotty who was on watch tonight at the front door. Rotty had simply nodded to Kaz as he passed, he suspected the burly man was still nursing a hangover despite it having almost been twenty-four bells.

 

Kaz unlocked the door to his rooms and found candles lit on his bookshelves and his bedside table. The next thing he noticed was Inej’s small frame leaned against the headboard of his bed, one of his novels rested gently on her crossed knees. She was wearing his shirt and her hair was loose. Her head was bent over the book, raven strands falling to the pages. Kaz smiled as he hung his coat on the hook next to his hat.

 

“I don’t understand all kerch words, apparently.” Inej mused in way of greeting.

 

“What word?” Kaz asked as he limped over to her and sat down on the edge of the bed beside her and began unlacing his shoes.

 

“This entire damn book.” Inej laughed as she looked up to him. Kaz paused with his shoes and reached over, flipping the cover of the book up to see what of his few books she’d decided to read. Kaz couldn’t hold back the laughter from his chest.

 

It was a book on Kerch economics “A navigational guide to stocks and investments.”

 

“Why the hell did you choose that one?” Kaz choked out and Inej frowned though her rich soil eyes shined with amusement.

 

“Because I hear you and Jesper talk about his stock portfolio and I thought maybe you all just spoke a different language.” Inej retorted and she slammed the book shut with a dramatic sigh. Kaz laughed again at her theatrics and it earned him another frown.

 

“Are you interested in stocks? Because I can teach you, if you want.” Kaz said now as he finally finished his task of removing his shoes.

 

“No. This book killed it for me.” Inej mumbled and he heard her lean her head back against the headboard.

 

“Yes, economics can do that to you if you aren’t that interested.” Kaz mused as he stood and walked to the wardrobe to hang his blazer.

 

“How did you learn about trading investments and all of that?” Inej asked. Kaz pondered for a moment, he supposed he just taught himself. He used books like the one she’d tried to read and also trial and error to figure out how to best swindle the market. It was almost like picking a pocket, you had to have the right timing. Kaz told Inej as much and he didn’t understand the smile on her face when he turned back around to her.

 

“I’m interested again.” Inej said softly. Kaz rolled his eyes at the damn near flirtatious raise of her dark brows, though his stomach flipped. He didn’t know if he’d ever get used to seeing Inej look at him like that. He never thought he would deserve it, he still didn’t.

 

“Wraith, are you trying to seduce me by asking me to talk about money?” Kaz quipped as he unbuttoned his shirt with his back to her.

 

“Absolutely.” Inej said with a chuckle.

 

Damnit. It was working.

 

“Fine. You win.” Kaz mumbled as he made his way to the bathroom to change into his night clothes. Her laugh followed him on his way.

 

As Kaz stood in his bathroom, getting ready to go back out to the girl he loved, he thought of how Inej needn’t do a single damn thing to seduce him to complete distraction.

 

Inej was the reason winter chased spring. Kaz was winter- he was bloody knuckles, cold sunrises and dead things left in the ground. Inej was the blinding sunlight that brought things back to life, smooth petals on fresh blooms, and rainstorms while the sun still shined.

 

Kaz had been in the dead of winter almost his whole life, Inej had brought life him back to life with her spring.

 

Chapter 44: In the Face of Evil

Summary:

Revenge never tasted so sweet.

Notes:

Chapter 44!!! GUYS. I'm so hyped for you to read this one, you have no idea. Please tell me what you think in the comments, this is truly one of the hardest chapters I've written and also one that i consider of the best. Can't wait to hear what you think. Warning, this one is angsty somewhat, it's more violent than anything. Mostly violence you could expect from our favorite crows. Just wanted to throw that warning out there though.

As always, thank you so much for reading and drop me a comment with what you think! Thanks again!

INEJ

 

            There was an ominous glow on the gently flowing canal that ran past the Exchange. The street lamp was burning low, but Inej had a clear view from her perch on the upper awning of the second floor windows. Inej turned to her left and saw Roeder’s form on the next building over. He would be invisible to anyone from the street, just as Inej was. Kaz, Jesper, Rotty and Anika should be entering her field of view any moment. Inej had just settled in to her perch, she’d tailed Charles Hester and the five men he was bringing as his personal guard from his estate. They were waiting on the street below for the meeting with Kaz, none the wiser that they’d been followed across half of Ketterdam.

 

Inej had not touched the ground once.

 

            Inej had wanted to ensure there were no snipers in Hester’s envoy. Inej knew this could very well be a trap from Hester, it was a trap on their end. She and Kaz had planned for it- down to Jesper being on the ground with Kaz, if any of Hester’s men so much as moved for their weapons, Jesper was faster. Inej knew Quin and Greer were amongst the shadows in the alleyway along the building too, posed as homeless squatters who only understood kaelish. Inej’s crewmates were not spiders on land, but she trusted them to move fast when and if they were needed. Roeder had also scoped the surrounding area over the past few hours, making sure Hester had not stashed any sort of backup in the nearby buildings; turns out he had. Inej had planned for it, though. He’d only stashed three men in a nearby warehouse, Roeder had signaled her upon taking up his own perch closer to Kaz and the Dregs.  

 

            Kaz and Inej had meticulously gone over the plans with the most trusted Dregs and her own crew over the entire afternoon. They were all eager to have Charles Hester off their backs; since many of them were also involved in the robbing of his estate. Inej had faith in Kaz, if there was one thing Kaz was better at than picking locks and scheming, it was talking when the time called for it. Kaz had a way of making a mark talk in exactly the way he wanted a conversation to go; Inej suspected it was because Kaz was terrifying when he wanted something. She recalled a meeting with the Blacktips before the Ice Court job, it’d been in front of this same building. Kaz was reckless, he’d asked them to shoot him, having faith in Inej that she hadn’t missed a sniper, his life had been in her hands. Inej shook her head at the memory, it still unnerved her when Kaz would so willingly walk into the line of fire.

 

            “Boss, I think they’re here.” A scruff lanky man spoke from next to Charles Hester far below Inej’s perch. She’d purposely put herself within ear shot of Hester’s party, she’d hear if he gave any sort of signal to his men to harm Kaz or the Dregs.

 

            Charles Hester would not be walking out of this meeting, nor would he die, yet.

 

            “Excellent.” Hester replied. Inej felt sick. She had not heard his voice since she nearly died in a bed of cheap silk.

 

            Saints, let me stand tall. Let me keep my head. Fear will not serve me here.

 

            Inej turned her head slightly, keeping her position low. She spotted Kaz, his harsh silhouette amplified by the waning street lamp. Jesper’s lanky form was beside him, as well as Anika and Rotty a few paces behind. Kaz stepped into the light first, Inej could only make out part of his face from her position, but she saw enough to tell that he wore the expression that solely belonged to Dirtyhands.

 

This was Kaz Brekker, leader of the Dregs and revenge incarnate. Inej loved him just as much as Rietveld.

 

“Mr. Brekker, so pleased you accepted my offer!” Hester exclaimed as he moved to stand in the light as well, keeping about twenty-five feet away from Kaz. Inej noticed Kaz’s hands braced on his cane- she knew he’d like to kill Hester immediately, it didn’t show. Kaz gave nothing away; his body language was perfectly professional, bordering on casual. It was this version of Kaz that had struck fear into many men before Charles Hester. The financer and regular scum of the earth should not have dared to hold a meeting with Dirtyhands.

 

 It was like watching a man dressed in red and fake horns walk into a meeting with the devil himself.

 

 Hester was out of his element, he was clearly underestimating Kaz already; most men kept fifty paces at the least between themselves and the head of Kaz’s cane.

 

“I’m a man of business, it seemed an opportunity that only presents itself so often.” Kaz rasped, stone grating on stone with his every word.

 

“We are cut from the same cloth, then. Shall we get down to business?” Hester said, his plummy voice reminded Inej of the sound of rusted machines in the factory district. His words never quite sounded right, squealing and broken with a deep whistling note. It sent a wave of disgust down her spine in needle pricks.

 

Kaz gestured with his hand for Hester to continue. Inej knew he’d like nothing more than to coat his cane in vanilla scented guts for Hester’s comparison of Kaz to himself.

 

            “Marvelous. I assume you’ve thought over the proposition I presented to you? Do you have the Pirate I’m looking for stashed away or do you have information to broker with me?” Hester straightened his already too tight jacket over his gut, his face glistened with a fine sheen of sweat under the lamplight despite the early winter chill in the air.

 

Inej dimly wondered if he’d scream if she lit his mustache aflame.

 

“First, I’d like to go over some questions I have for you.” Kaz rasped. Inej noticed Jesper had folded his hands in front of him, she knew he was itching to tap his revolvers.

 

“Of course, I would expect nothing less.” Hester smiled a wilting, yellowed thing.

 

“What percentage of a cut do I gain from your…. Product revenue?” Kaz asked, he slowly tapped a gloved finger against the beak of the crow’s head on his cane.

 

“Fifteen, my employer is also willing to pay a handsome price upfront for the corpse of the pirate bitch who’s cost him a great sum. His gratitude will be far reaching, Mr. Brekker.”

 

“Who is your employer, anyhow?” Kaz mused, his head tilted just slightly. Inej noticed Hester’s personal entourage sharing a look that said only “good luck finding that one out, kid.” Inej would have laughed any other day. They clearly were not used to the Barrel; they had not heard the full extent of Kaz Brekker’s capabilities, his legacy was far bloodier than they seemed to believe.

 

“Afraid that is confidential, though should we establish a lasting partnership here in Ketterdam, I’m sure he’ll pay you a visit.” Hester paused and brushed back his overgrown mustache with a sausage finger. “You see we could use someone with your… influence. It could allow us much more privacy on the docks when we move merchandise; if we had the protection of your associates and your name. I’m also aware you’ve acquired a new building under your name, is that right? The Dregs seem to be the only gang to my knowledge that do not have their own pleasure house established. Should you accept my offer, my employer would be more than willing to provide exquisite product to your own house, should you choose to open one. Am I right? That’s why you acquired new property?” Hester smiled, he thought he had Kaz figured out.

 

Inej didn’t know what building Hester was talking about, she made note to ask Kaz of it later. What Inej did know, though, was that Kaz would never open a pleasure house. She also knew the majority of the Dreg’s did not frequent them, either. It was one of the reasons Inej held so much respect in her chest for most of the gang as well. It was unheard of in the Barrel.

 

            “Ah. You’ve done your homework, Mr. Hester. I’m willing to broker with you and your employer. Though, I do have one request.” Kaz rasped. Inej was already poised to make her move, “request” had been the word that she and Kaz had decided on. It was word to signify for Inej to begin her descent. It was a word choice that was easily avoided but also easy for Kaz to weave into the conversation naturally.

 

            “Splendid! What is it that you request?” Hester inquired, Inej could just make out that repulsive glint in his beady eyes, the eyes that had haunted her sleep for years.

 

            “Try not to scream.” Kaz’s grin could have sliced through flesh and bone on its own.

 

            Inej saw Hester tilt his head in confusion, it was the last glance she spared as she made her last leap.

 

            Inej landed silently on the ground, she’d been inching closer to the ground in the cover of shadow for some time now. Roeder had made it across to her previous position silently as well, he landed beside her. Inej made mental note to praise him on his dexterity, later.

 

            That was when the first shot rang out, the world smelled of Zemini gun powder.

 

KAZ

 

            Kaz saw a glimpse of Inej felling Hester’s men, swift and silent as death herself. Jesper had taken out two of the men in the span of seconds. Anika and Rotty were already on their way to bind Hester, who hadn’t had time to so much as turnaround to his men before Kaz had flicked a short blade hidden in his sleeve into Hester’s calf, dropping him to the ground. It was only enough to drop him; he would not bleed out.

 

            The man should have stayed farther away. Kaz had inched closer casually during their entire conversation, Hester hadn’t even noticed.

 

            Moments later, Rotty and Roeder had a bound, blind folded, and gagged Charles Hester in their hold, they had gondels waiting in the canal that they dragged him to.

 

            “Where’s Inej?” Jesper loped up to Kaz after ensuring that Dirix and Pim knew what to do with the fallen bodies of Hester’s men; the two Dreg’s members had been hidden alongside Quin and Greer from Inej’s crew. Kaz looked around, Inej was nowhere in sight, but that meant nothing when it came to his wraith.

 

“She’ll meet us there.” Kaz answered with one last look around for Inej, he trusted she’d be safe, but some part of him still wanted confirmation.

 

Inej is the Wraith of Ketterdam, Dread Pirate of the True Sea, Warrior of the Innocent. She needs no protection, those in her sights needed protection from her.

 

Kaz situated himself in the second gondel behind the one they’d use to transport Hester. Jesper got in with him, Roeder was already waiting at the oars. Rotty and Anika would transport Hester ahead of them to the abandoned distillery they were going to use as an interrogation chamber, to crack one Charles Hester.

 

“Wraith is taking out the men he’d had as backup stashed in the warehouse a block away. She said to go without her.” Roeder said to Kaz as he pushed the gondel off the side of the canal and began rowing them downstream. Kaz nodded, he noticed Jesper glaring daggers into Hester’s back ahead of them. Kaz sent him a look that said “soon”.

 

Kaz was looking forward to gleaning information from the man who had hurt his girl. It was sure to be a bloody venture; he’d worn his worst button up shirt just for the occasion. It was a black tie event, after all.

 

About ten minutes later, Kaz watched as Rotty and Roeder dragged a whimpering and lightly bleeding Charles Hester into the dilapidated abandoned distillery. It was just inside Dreg’s territory, but the whole block was abandoned due to a fire the year prior destroying most of the construction.

 

Not one soul to hear this vile man’s pleas; unless Inej’s saints were listening. Kaz suspected they were on his side tonight, though. Kaz didn’t think they’d hesitate to turn their righteous eyes away from Kaz’s saintly work.

 

Kaz motioned for Anika to light the few lamps they’d placed in the building earlier this afternoon. Light illuminated the old beams above them, vaulted for the giant liquor casks to their right. Hester was tied to the chair they’d put against the wall, his hands were untied from the rope, only to be bound again to a chain that Kaz himself had attached to the wall on a ring meant for horses.

 

It was the exact same set up that Charles Hester had installed in his own basement vault to use for stolen people.

 

Once Hester was situated, Rotty stepped back and leaned against the wall. Jesper was standing behind Kaz, tapping his revolvers. Jesper’s silver eyes had not left Hester once since they’d left the exchange. The rest of the Dreg’s here did not know what Charles had done to Inej, Kaz didn’t intend to tell them, but they knew this was personal. They knew Charles was looking for Inej, Kaz would not hold back his rage. He would get the name of the slave trade employer, Hester did not strike him as a man who could hold up under the great pressure of physical pain and torture. Anika and Roeder stood on opposite sides of the room, both keeping watch through the withered panels of the walls, in case anyone approached from either side of the building.

 

Kaz busied himself with resting his cane against the wall, just loud enough for Hester to hear, he shook his head in an attempt to see through his blindfold. The man made a grumbling noise through his gag. Kaz shrugged out of his blazer and tossed it onto a stool nearby, he made sure his foot-steps were loud enough for Hester to follow. He wanted Hester to wonder where he would come from. Rotty, Roeder, Anika and Jesper stayed silent. They’d all seen Kaz prepare for violence. This time, his hands itched for death. Kaz would have to hold back, Inej did not want him dead, yet.

 

A moment later, as Kaz observed Hester repeatedly gurgling into his gag, trying to say something while also pulling hopelessly on his chains; the door to the distillery opened. Kaz knew it was not Inej, he did not sense her. He flicked his gaze momentarily behind him to see Quin and Greer enter, dusting snow off their clothes. They shared solemn nods with Roeder and Anika, Kaz had known they’d attend this little “meeting” as well. Inej had said she wanted some of her crew in attendance to hear the name of the Slave trade employer as well, in case anything was to happen to her. Kaz had not allowed her to finish the thought when she’d said it. He’d simply shook his head and said “I love an audience, wraith. Bring them if you wish.”

 

He couldn’t contemplate Inej dying, he’d come close to losing her twice before. It would not happen again. Kaz wouldn’t survive that death, either. He might breathe and walk, but he’d never want to love again. He’d let Dirtyhands take over for good.

 

Quin and Greer both walked to stand beside Kaz, they did not hide the disgust on their faces. Kaz doubted they knew what the man before them had done to their Captain, but they clearly hated him enough for his direct involvement in the human trafficking that they had devoted their lives to stopping, right alongside Inej.

 

Greer turned her hazel eyes to Kaz and ran a hand over her freckled face before she whispered, “let’s make him pay.” Quin quietly added her own confirmation.

 

Kaz decided he liked Inej’s crew very much.

 

“Arrrgggh,” A frustrated growl came from Hester.

 

Kaz smiled. It was time to begin his favorite type of dance number; his waltz partner was his own rage. They’d match each other step for step.

 

Kaz stepped forward and removed the blindfold from Hester’s ruddy face. His dirt brown hair in a disarray with the removal of the fabric. Kaz tsked when the bastard glared at him.  

 

“Didn’t expect that of me, did you, Mr. Hester? Kaz mused as he walked in small paces before the man. Hester tried to say something once more through his gag.

 

“Oh will you stop it? The gag is there for a reason. A shake or nod of the head will do just fine for now. I hate stupidity almost as much as I hate your voice.” Kaz growled as he leaned in just slightly. He was hit in the face with a stench so sugary he contemplated never adding sweetener to his coffee again.

 

Kaz remembered what Inej had said, she’d said he smelled of vanilla. At the memory of Inej’s tears, Kaz slipped on brass knuckles from his pocket, he didn’t let Hester prepare for his swing. Kaz hit him straight in the temple. Enough to break the skin above his bushy eyebrows, but nowhere near enough force to knock him out. Kaz heard Jesper do a low whistle.

 

Kaz’s senses tingled, Inej was near. Hester whimpered from the blow, Kaz paused to dab the filth’s blood off his brass knuckles with a handkerchief from his pocket.

 

There was no reason to not have them fresh for the next blow. There would be a next.

 

“Stop.” Inej’s voice carried from the now open door to the distillery, silent as ever. Kaz turned to look at her, her hood was all the way up. He could only make out her bronze jaw as she stepped forward, he caught a glint on the hilt of Sankta Marya in her thigh sheath as she stepped into the already dim light of the lanterns. Kaz turned to see Hester squint, trying to make out who this mysterious new arrival to the gathering was. The rest of the group looked on silently. Kaz had not expected Inej to make her presence known while he interrogated Charles, she’d said she wouldn’t earlier that day. Kaz had not asked why, he’d known she did not want to face him until the end. Apparently, Inej had changed her mind.

 

“Wraith.” Rotty nodded and so did Roeder and Anika.

 

“Captain.” Greer and Quin parroted in tandem.

 

“Remove his gag.” Inej said to Jesper, he moved quickly to Hester.

 

“If you scream, I’ll shoot you where I know you’ll be in immense pain, but won’t be in danger of dying, do you understand? You’ll beg for death.” Jesper growled to their captive before he untied and ripped the gag off of Hester’s face.

 

“Captain and Wraith? Are you one and the same? For Ghezen’s sake let me go. I don’t know what the bitch has on you, Brekker, but if you let me go now- we can kill her. She’s right here and we’ll be richer men. No sense passing up a profitable opportunity.” Hester spurted, Kaz could tell he tried for confident, his voice shook and betrayed him.

 

Kaz opened his mouth to speak but Inej spoke first.

 

“I’m one and the same. I’ve had many titles. Do you know who I am?” Inej purred as she moved closer to Hester, keeping her head low, her walk was cat-like. Inej was circling her prey. Kaz would have been giddy at the sight any other day, in any other situation. Seeing Inej work up close was a rare sight. Seeing her take true revenge was even more of a wonder to behold.

 

Kaz was sure his spirit had found its match in her, even more so than before. Etma se saman, wraith.

 

Inej came to stand only five feet before Hester. Kaz hung back, he saw the rest of their group watching Inej intently as well.

 

“You’re the Pirate bitch who cost me a lot of money and robbed my fucking house, happy?” Charles spat. Inej tilted her head slightly, Kaz heard a soft laugh come from her. It was a laugh that promised pain.

 

“Oh, fine! I’ll give you a hint, you have met me before. You know one of the other titles I was given.” Inej inched slightly closer to Hester, her black clad frame looked to be made of shadow and smoke in the hazy lantern light.

 

“I’ve never met you before, why the hell would we have crossed paths?” Hester’s voice shook again.

 

Kaz never thought he’d see himself in Inej in this type of situation, he’d been wrong. This was the Wraith. He’d seen only glimpses of this look on Inej before, he’d never loved her more.

 

Inej chuckled again, this time she stepped directly in front of Charles Hester, her hood still obscuring most of her face. Kaz saw Charles squint up at her.

 

Inej dropped her hood.

 

“Lynx.” Hester whispered, his tone laced in horror.

 

Inej smiled. It was a smile Kaz himself would run from. He’d also kiss that smile if given the opportunity.

 

Jesper tapped his pistols nervously across the room from him. Kaz was vaguely aware of the confused looks that passed between the other Dregs and Inej’s crew members.

 

Inej brought her hands up and kicked the captive’s chair back, causing the back of it to hit the wall. Her movements were quick, precise, violent. One of her hands gripped his hair, yanking his throat to full exposure, Sankt Petyr pressed to the soft flesh. Kaz noticed gloves on her fingers. Inej never wore gloves, they weren’t good for climbing.

 

Inej had taken a page from his book. She’d worn gloves to protect herself from touching Hester’s skin or hair. In fact, Kaz was pretty sure those were a pair of his gloves. The wraith must have stolen them from the attic this afternoon. He didn’t mind.

 

Kaz would lend Inej his armor when she needed it.

 

Hester whimpered from the sure pain in his scalp.

 

“I won’t kill you if you tell me the name of your employer.” Inej whispered, her tone laced with pure poison. Hester nodded, he was clearly afraid now. Kaz noted the man’s leg wound was still bleeding based on the droplets of crimson on the ground beneath the chair. He noticed the blood on his brow hadn’t clotted, either.

 

“Fine, his name is Kane De Vries. Don’t kill me!” Hester near shouted as Inej yanked harder on his hair with glove clad fingers.

 

“One more question.” Inej said, her voice lower than Kaz had ever heard it. Hester was helpless but to meet her eyes.

 

“Will you cry?” Inej whispered, her face lined up directly with her worst nightmare.  

 

Kaz felt a shiver run down his spine, revenge looked beautiful on Inej.

 

Kaz saw Hester try and speak, Inej was too quick. She’d already been retying the gag onto his head. Hester was silenced, save for a dreadful whimper.

 

“May I borrow this?” Inej turned her head in Kaz’s direction now, he followed her arm down to his cane.

 

Yes. Absolutely. Borrow it all you like, you brave and dangerous woman.

 

Kaz nodded. Inej flicked his cane up in her hand, she studied it for a moment, then she swung. There was a crunch of bone in Hester’s chained wrist, he tried to scream.

 

Inej grinned and Jesper looked close to clapping, Kaz wanted to as well. Anika and Rotty were darting their eyes between Kaz and Inej, no one had ever swung Kaz’s cane besides him.

 

Inej was the only exception.

 

Inej turned the cane over in her hand, Hester managed to get his gag out of his mouth.

 

“You bitch! You told me you wouldn’t kill me! Kane will come for you when I don’t report!” He bellowed in the midst of pain from his broken wrist. Inej turned her eyes back to him before she huffed a disbelieving laugh.

 

“I said I wouldn’t kill you. I never said anything about Kaz. You really should read the fine print of a deal before you agree. You must be a terrible financer. Second, that’s the point. I’d like to meet this Kane.” Inej tossed the cane to Kaz now. He couldn’t believe it. Inej was letting himself and Jesper take out the man who had tried to ruin her, inside and out. Dirtyhands was beside himself with glee.

 

“Happy Birthday.” Inej whispered for only him to hear as she brushed past him and toward the door of the distillery. Kaz was absolutely going to kiss her repeatedly as soon as he got back to the Slat. Hester was in for a few hours of life yet, but he’d served his purpose. They had a name. Hester would only live to repent for his sins.

 

You’re welcome, Saints.

 

Hester shrunk back as Jesper and Kaz both stepped forward.

 

“Shall we?” Jesper grinned. His silver eyes spoke of vengeance.

 

Two brothers, not by blood but bond, stood before evil and bared their teeth in easy grins.

 

 

CHARLES

 

Charles Hester regretted the day he’d called the suli girl a lynx. He did cry.

Chapter 45: Dried Geraniums

Summary:

A moment of peace that was hard earned.

Notes:

Chapter 45!!! This one is definitely fluff. But it was deserved. I really wanted to showcase a moment of peace after Inej won her revenge. I really hope you guys love it, it was honestly one of my favorite chapters to write thus far, them happy makes me happy, you know?

Warning: This chapter contains a slightly spicier moment, obviously not smut or anything, they are not there yet and you all know I want to keep it true to character. But I did want to put a warning here. I wouldn't skip it though, it's a beautiful moment that I hope ya'll love.

As always, thank you a million times over. Every time I see a comment or reads from you guys, it makes my day. You're the best.

Let me know what you think in the comments! I love talking to you guys!

PS- "Can't Help Falling in Love" cover by Kina Grannis

(I'm adding songs to other chapters too, I'll update the list in notes as I go with corresponding chapters I've done.)

KAZ

 

            Kaz made it back to the Slat around three hours later, Charles Hester’s corpse would feed a family of fish in the harbor for at least a year, assuming even they would want to eat him. Jesper had gone home to Wylan and Kaz was eager to get upstairs, to see Inej. Thankfully, the rest of the Dregs had decided to go to the club after the night they’d had so Kaz was blissfully alone save for Dirix who’d been guarding the door of the Slat.

 

            Kaz took an extra minute to check his desk for any missed missives, thankfully he was mostly caught up on his desk work. Kaz did not hesitate in deciding to say to hell with everything else besides Inej for the rest of the night. They’d gotten the name of the man behind the Slave routes Inej was currently targeting, they’d also disposed of the man who had taken so much from Inej. Kaz knew there were others they needed to take down, Tante Heleen, Kane De Vries. Pekka; If he ever showed his face again in Ketterdam. Kaz still didn’t know why he’d never shown back up. Kaz hadn’t realized the man was so easily defeated, he didn’t think his act at the auction would have kept him away forever. It was no bother, though. Kaz would hunt him down regardless, Pekka would not live in peace.

 

            Kaz shook his head and locked up his office for the night. He needed a shower, he had blood on his wrists that were not protected by gloves. The rest of his clothes were stained crimson in random parts as well, Kaz had not cared. Kaz was too busy making Charles Hester remember what he’d done to Inej to pay attention to splatter. By the end of it, Hester had known exactly what his crime against Kaz Brekker and Captain Inej Ghafa had been that earned him a bloody and brutal death with no dignity in sight.

 

            Kaz made his way up the flights of stairs, he felt a switch flick on in his senses. It was the sense attuned to Inej. Kaz smiled to himself when he unlocked the door on the fourth floor landing. Kaz opened it to find the lamp on his desk burning low, the rest of the room’s candles were lit as well. Kaz wondered how Inej made his drafty attic feel so warm, comfortable. He’d never lit all the candles at once. He found it made the room not too bright, but golden. Kaz liked it.

 

            “How was guy’s night?” Inej mused as his desk chair spun around slightly to reveal her, she was practicing bumping a coin over her knuckles. He noticed ship manifests on his desk that were certainly not his, she must have been working on planning her next voyage, a few months’ time from now. He also noticed his spare pair of leather gloves discarded by his pen, they had been his gloves that she’d worn.

 

Kaz couldn’t hold back his laughter. He supposed that had been what the night had turned into for himself and Jesper. They’d bonded over blood rather than sharing it.

 

“Hester will make a pleasant appetizer for fish, darling.” Kaz grinned over his shoulder before he hung up his coat, he looked down and noticed there was far more blood on his shirt than he’d realized. Thankfully his blazer had been off and out of the splatter zone during the main event of the evening.

 

“I don’t think fish have the taste for vanilla.” Inej mumbled. Kaz turned to see her grimacing at the memory of Hester’s too-sweet stench.

 

“Are you well?” Kaz asked now, turning fully to face her. Inej tilted her head for a moment but he saw a brilliant smile break free on her face, her cheeks were dusted with a light blush. Kaz wondered why.

 

“Wylan blew up his house. There’s no more prison cell for slaves, nothing for Kane to use ever again if he were to inherit Charles’ property. I’m sure he has other employees, but it’s a start.” Inej smiled smugly. Kaz was shocked, Wylan hadn’t been a part of their plan. Jesper had said Wylan had spoken to Inej and knew why Hester needed to die, but he had not seemed to know Wylan would be involved as well, either.

 

“Wylan Van Eck blew up a house in the middle of the financial district?” Kaz couldn’t hold his jaw in place, his wraith and the merchling had shocked him. He hadn’t thought of that, neither had Jesper.

 

“Well, not so much blew up. Wylan planted bombs in his basement vault, Charles took his heartrenders off watch of the vault and moved them outside since so many of his men went with him to the meeting, he wanted them on security outside. Terrible choice, really. Also a poor choice using the very same vault after we’d already broken in once. Seeing as Wylan was able to get in and out with Specht without them even noticing. The house burned and collapsed from the basement upward. Wylan had a blast concocting timed blasts for this very venture. I went and saw him before I came back here. He also provided me an entire box of Hester’s business files from his study. It’s back at the mansion.” Inej finished, a smug little smile pulling on her lips.

 

Inej had schemed a brilliant scheme. Inej had let him kill Charles in her stead. Inej was brilliant, bold, and lovelier than anything an artist had ever captured on canvas. If she were a painting, he’d steal her.

 

“I love you.” Kaz could not stop the words, it was all he could seem to say. Inej smiled softly, just as the coin bumped over all her knuckles successfully.

 

“Did you see?! I did it once on the ship but now I have proof! I did it!” Inej squealed with a giddy little bounce in her seat. Kaz was going to kiss her. It was decided. Kaz moved to his desk and leaned down, but Inej put a hand to his chest over his shirt, effectively stopping him.

 

“Shower. You smell like… him.” Inej pushed back in the chair. Kaz didn’t see any shadows in her eyes though, just a small scrunch of her nose.

 

“Fair enough, I did have to help Jesper drag his body.” Kaz moved away, he’d kiss her senseless after he was not covered in blood and vanilla odors. Inej laughed as she went back to her coin and picked up a manifest on the desk.

 

Kaz made his way to the bathroom and was grateful for the hot water as soon as he stepped into the shower. As soon as he was done, Kaz stepped out and realized a critical error in his ways. He had been so focused on Inej, he had not gone and retrieved clean clothes.

 

Kaz sighed as he wrapped the towel around his hips. He’d just go out there, it wasn’t a big deal, Inej had seen his top half bare a million times. Normally he had pants on, but it wasn’t like she’d even notice. He’d also seen her in a towel, fair was fair. He told himself that over and over like a mantra as he opened the bathroom door and walked to his wardrobe, he felt Inej’s eyes on him. He felt his skin warm. He’d known she’d notice if he dared to be honest to himself. Kaz was confident, but he’d never been so undressed around Inej.

 

“I would crack under torture.” Inej mumbled, this caused Kaz to pause his digging through his drawers to turn back to her. Inej was looking right at him.

 

“What? Why do you say that, Wraith?” Kaz asked. There was a flush from her collarbones to her cheeks.

 

Kaz would have liked nothing more than to kiss a map of its path into her skin.

 

“This is torture.” Inej huffed a breath and diverted her eyes to the ceiling. Kaz chuckled and turned back to the dresser.

 

“Am I that awful to look at?” Kaz joked as he found his sleep trousers.

 

“No. The opposite. I’ve always looked at you because you’re so saints-damning appealing to look at.” Inej admitted with another frustrated huff. Kaz didn’t think he’d ever felt so feverish, he almost wondered if his skin had flushed. Inej complimenting him was something he was still not used to. He liked it. He didn’t know what to do with it.

 

“I’m fairly certain I’ve looked at you far longer.” Kaz mumbled and started his walk back to the bathroom, his leg was a little bit sore, but the hot water of the shower had helped.

 

“Oh and when did you decide I was attractive?” Inej narrowed her eyes at him. It was a challenge for the truth. He’d never admitted how long he’d harbored an attraction and feelings for her. He never thought he’d be asked to admit it. Of course, he had moments where he’d realized the truth; the moment on the window sill when she’d laughed, another moment when she’d tried to teach him how to fall. Another when he’d noticed her figure, how strong she looked with a backdrop of the night sky behind her as they staked out a mercher.

 

“Years ago.” Kaz answered and Inej rolled her eyes with a smile on her lips. It was an honest answer without revealing the full picture. She didn’t hide the way she traced each muscle in his chest with her gaze.

 

“When could you have possibly decided you thought I was someone worth looking at?” Kaz hadn’t meant to ask the question, he had meant to drop it. Curiosity had won him over in the end, though.

 

“Easy. It was when you learned how to launch me into the air properly from your knee with cupped hands. It’s difficult to learn and you and I matched each other’s movements with no problem at all. I’ve never let anyone else besides Papa launch me like that. Not even my cousins, I was too scared of it going wrong and hurting my legs or my ankle that I’d previously broken. I noticed the strength in your arms. I’m an acrobat. Of course it was mind boggling how distractingly attractive it was.” Inej smiled smugly when he stopped in his tracks. Kaz had not expected such an honest answer.

 

Inej had noticed him then? Inej found him appealing to look at… then? How had he never noticed? Then again, wasn’t it when she wasn’t looking that he’d always allowed himself to steal glances? Had it been the same for her?

 

Inej was a better spy than he even thought.

 

A few moments later, Kaz reemerged from the bathroom, clad in clean sleep clothes. He noticed Inej had not changed her own clothes to stay the night.

 

“Are you not staying?” Kaz asked, he felt his chest tighten, tonight of all nights he wanted Inej beside him. Besides, they’d decided not to spend nights apart if they could.

 

“What? No, I am. Why do you ask?” Inej questioned as she squinted at a map of the True Sea.

 

Kaz gestured with his hand to her very much still in-tact work ensemble, he even noticed her blades still strapped to her thighs. Inej looked down at herself and mumbled an “oh”.

 

“I’m good now… but before, when I first got back… I wasn’t exactly.” Inej stumbled over her confession. Kaz sensed she was not done.

 

“There was no one here except Dirix, I just… I showered three times because I thought I smelled like…you know. But I put my blades back on every time. It took me awhile to really realize that he was dead, you and Jes were taking care of it. It was the first time I’d been in the same room as him since he… since he…” Inej’s mouth clicked shut. She wasn’t able to say explicitly what Hester had done to her. Kaz understood. Inej could sleep in her blades if she needed to, he wouldn’t mind.

 

Kaz nodded. Inej did not need to relive those moments of her time in hell, she was safe here now. Inej smiled and stood from the desk, she walked to the window sill where Kaz noticed a small wooden chest that he hadn’t seen before. He tilted his head in question when Inej turned back around, chest in hand.

 

“I um, I brought some more of my things from the house earlier. If that’s alright.” Inej brushed a stray piece of hair behind her ear, shifting the chest under her arm.

 

Kaz didn’t know what else to do besides nod. He wouldn’t mind if Inej brought all of her things here. He didn’t want to be too presumptuous, but he wanted Inej near. He knew she would leave on her ship again in a couple of months, but he wanted to make the most of his time with Inej. They already spent all of their nights together, he didn’t see a problem with more of her things marking the attic as theirs. It’s why he’d given her the key after all.

 

Kaz settled onto the edge of the bed and watched as Inej opened the lid to her small box on the desk. He saw her take out a hair brush. Next came a small jar with some sort of liquid in it, it looked like an oil of some sort.

 

“What’s that?” Kaz asked as he tried to massage the muscles of his bad leg.

 

“Coconut oil. Mama brought it for me, it’s for my hair.” Inej answered distractedly. Kaz smiled as she took the first two items into his bathroom. She left the door open and he watched as she gently slid the stand with his razor over on the counter and placed her jar of oil next to it. She brought the hairbrush back out and put it on top of his dresser.

 

 She went back to her box and took out a small bundle of clothing. She went to the dresser and hurriedly put it into her drawer. Kaz suspected those clothing items were things she’d only want him to see on a night where he could remove them. It sent a shiver down his spine.

 

Inej reached into her chest one more time, she brought out a bundle of dried geraniums with a black satin ribbon. It was the flowers he’d given her after she’d been shot. She’d kept them and dried them and took them with her.

 

Kaz made a mental note to buy fresh ones for the bedside table. Inej would like that.

 

Kaz watched as Inej looked around the room, to the walls. He didn’t know what she was looking for.

 

“What are you doing?” Kaz mumbled and he leaned back onto the bed, moving carefully backwards so he could rest against the headboard.

 

“I want to hang my flowers.” Inej mumbled.

 

Kaz pointed to the spot above the window sill. Inej smiled and launched herself up onto the sill, she balanced precariously as she tacked the flowers by the stem so the dried blooms hung down just slightly over the window. It was fitting, since the window was her domain.

 

Kaz had never had wall decorations besides a dart board. Now there was Inej’s emblem, and her flowers.

 

The attic felt like theirs. Maybe it had been for a lot longer than Kaz would admit. Now it was shown clearly with a small bottle of oil on his sink and flowers above his window.

 

Inej jumped down from the sill and admired her work. Inej gestured to it and he nodded for her. Her smile then reminded him of his earlier plans. He still had at least three things left to do today. All three were kissing Inej.

 

One to thank her for his birthday present.

 

Two to show his appreciation of her scheming mind.

 

Three because he just fucking wanted to, he loved her more than he thought possible.

 

He’d probably say that every day for the rest of his life.

 

 

Inej strode to the dresser, she was poised to begin her routine of taking off her blades. Kaz wanted to do it instead.

 

“Come here?” Kaz rasped, he noticed his voice was more gravely than usual. Inej turned her head and raised a brow to him. Kaz held her gaze but he made no move to stand. Inej walked to the edge of the bed, kicking off her boots as she went. Kaz noticed Sankt Vladamir was on the bedside table already, she must have removed that one blade from her boot earlier and left it off.

 

Kaz had an idea. It might be a terrible one. Maybe not. He had to find out. Kaz opened his arms to her, his legs still stretched out on the bed before him, his back still leaned against the headboard. It was up to Inej if she was comfortable with this. He was fully clothed, only his hands would touch skin, for now he was in a safe zone.

 

Inej paused, but he saw a very small smile lift her lips. He wasn’t sure that she was aware it was there. Inej moved a knee onto the bed and swung the other over his thighs.

 

Inej was in his lap. Inej was straddling him. No, do not contemplate that further, Brekker.

 

Kaz felt nothing but resounding victory with Inej being this close to him. She sat gently on his thighs, her slight weight did not bother his leg but he could tell she was trying to be careful as she shifted most of her weight to one knee. Kaz shook his head when her eyes met his, he told her with his eyes “I’m fine, sit.” Inej let her weight rest on his legs fully now, his leg still did not protest for she was not near his knee.

 

Kaz moved his hands to her forearms, flicking his eyes to her in question before he began. She smiled in response, he felt her eyes on him as he removed the blades from her forearms and then Sankta Lizabeta from her belt. Her thighs were all that was left. Kaz met her eyes as he brushed his hands along from her knees up the sheath latches on the sides of her thighs, her legs were strong; he felt muscle even through her leggings. Inej shivered, he paused and removed his hands. Inej grabbed one of his hands, she moved it back to buckle of her sheath. It was her answer; she shivered from him, not from her past.

 

Kaz finished his task and placed the last blade on the night stand. Inej made to move off of him but he shook his head. “Not yet.”

 

It was when her eyes traced his face before meeting his eyes that he couldn’t help himself anymore. Kaz leaned in, Inej met him in the middle. His lips touched hers, his hands seemed to know where to put themselves at the crook of her waist. Kaz was inexperienced, but his body seemed to know things his mind did not.

 

Kaz felt one of her hands come up to his chest and grip lightly in the fabric of his t-shirt. His lips moved against hers, he’d only kissed her like this once before, he had no idea if this was right.

 

It damn well felt right, though.

 

When Inej’s other hand came to his hair, all thoughts left his mind. Her hand moved gently into the thicker hair at the back of his head. She did not tug, her fingers just grazed his scalp. It was a pleasant feeling that Kaz would beg for in the future, if his pride allowed.

 

Inej bit his bottom lip the same way he’d bit hers at the Club.

 

Kaz was gone forever. Kaz didn’t know how he’d gone his whole life without knowing what it was like to kiss Inej. His heart was surely breaking out of his chest like a common criminal making a jail break; it roared against his ribcage in a choir of one name “Inej”.

 

He didn’t know what he was doing when his tongue touched her bottom lip, just a brush. He tested it out. Inej reciprocated immediately and his grip tightened on her hips only slightly. Their tongues touched for the first time, Kaz had been worried this was where his demons would strike.

 

The feeling was so new, so foreign, it tricked the ghosts into staying away. Inej’s blades must have built a dam of holy steel against the devil’s water.

 

They both broke away, breathless. Inej’s eyes were still closed, her lips were red and parted. Kaz could not help the smile on his face. Inej opened her eyes then, the hand she’d placed on his chest came up to her face. Her fingers touched her lips and she smiled.

 

It was a smile of awe.

 

“That face, the one after a kiss like that. That’s my new first favorite.” Inej whispered, she leaned her forehead into his.

 

Kaz had planned to kiss her three times, it ended up being six.

 

Four for the way she smiled.

 

Five for the flowers above his window sill.

 

Six to say goodnight.

 

 

Then, seven to say good morning.

Chapter 46: Soot & Blood Prints

Summary:

Wesper moment.

Notes:

Chapter 46 (Kind of)!!!

Hi everyone!!! So sorry for disappearing for two days there, I pinched an nerve in my back and had to take a mini hiatus from writing because my back couldn't handle it. I'm feeling much better, so sorry for not being able to get updates up! But I wanted to take the time off to let my back rest a bit so it didn't get worse from me pushing through, we love self care here, right? I would have let you guys know I was going to be gone but obviously it wasn't a planned break. I hope you all understand, I'm back now though!

So this one is super short because it's actually a bonus chapter, a moment of Wesper for everyone to enjoy! I couldn't help myself, I love these two almost as much as I love Kaz and Inej. Any who, I'll also be back with a real chapter update within the next three or four hours to make up for being gone- I'm editing right after I post this!

Thank you so much for the patience and for supporting this story, you guys are the best and mean the world to me. Drop me a comment with what you think and stop by soon for the next chapter! Love you all!

PS- "Kaleidoscope" by A Great Big World. THIS IS MY WESPER ANTHEM. I SWEAR IT'S THEIR SONG. Tell me if you listen if you agree!!!

JESPER

 

            “Why is there soot footprints all the way up to our room, Merchling? Did you fall in the fireplace or something?” Jesper chuckled as he shrugged out of his very bloodstained shirt. Wylan was in the shower based on the sound of water coming from their bathroom. Jesper had every intention of joining him.

 

            Too late. Fuck. The water shut off.

 

            “I uh, I did a job tonight. Like you. For Inej.” Wylan came out of the bathroom, red hair dripping and a towel draped loosely on his pale frame.

 

            Damn. That’s distracting. Wait, what the hell did he just say?

 

            “Wait, what?” Jesper set his revolvers on the dresser before turning back to a flushing Wylan.

 

            “Inej asked me to help finish Hester, too. We kept it a secret so no one would get word I was going to his house, Specht came with me. I planted timed explosives in that awful room he used for slaves. I collapsed his house. There’s no evidence, nor will anyone who would have inherited the property be able to use that disgusting basement vault for humans ever again.” Wylan said confidently. His shoulders picked up in pride and Jesper was beside himself with amusement.

 

            Inej and Wylan had schemed without himself and Kaz. Oh, Jesper wished he could see Kaz’s face when the wraith told him.

 

            “You blew up a house in the financial district only seven blocks away from here?” Jesper choked out, his mouth was dry. Wylan when he played with bombs was one of Jesper’s favorite looks on him.

            Wylan nodded, a sheepish smile appeared on his lips. His blue eyes looked like cold fire in the low lamp light.

 

            “Looks like we both came out of retirement and did some dirty work tonight.” Jesper smiled as he finally bent to take off his blood spattered boots. Hopefully the Ghafa’s and Marya didn’t notice Wylan and his footprints in the hall before the cleaning staff got to it in the morning.

 

He should probably go clean it up himself, but Jesper had other dirty work he was planning for the rest of the evening. All of it involved the ginger boy who blew up houses.

 

            “We owed it to Inej. I’ve never seen her stumble over words like when she told me what that piece of shit did to her. I would have blown him up too if given the chance.” Wylan’s pale fists clenched and unclenched at his sides. Jesper understood. Jesper had let Kaz have the finishing blow to Hester, but Jesper had shot him in both feet early on in their…meeting. He’d died in pain. Kaz had laughed, Jesper understood why. Jesper hated Hester potentially as much as Jan Van Eck, but no one hated him as much as Kaz did. Except Inej, she hated him the most. Kaz wanted vengeance for the girl he loved, Jesper wanted vengeance for his best friend, the closest thing he’d ever had to a little sister.

 

“She’s stronger than anyone I’ve ever met.” Wylan added in a whisper. Jesper loved Wylan for his empathy, he still didn’t know how he’d gotten so lucky. Wylan had the biggest fucking heart he’d ever seen.

 

“She is. But now that bastard is at the bottom of a canal, I told Kaz I doubted even the fish would find him appetizing but maybe he’ll just disintegrate. You should have seen it, Wy. Inej showed her face to him, he recognized her. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a grown ass man look more terrified, even the ones who come face to face with Kaz. It was a true wonder.” Jesper tossed his shoes into the closet, when he turned around to Wylan, the towel was gone.

 

Oh. Fuck. Shower first. Then Wylan.

 

“Shower first.” Wylan slipped under the sheets on their bed, effectively hiding almost all of himself.

 

How did he always do that? Wylan always seemed to know what he was thinking before Jesper even finished his own thought.

 

“Fine. But I’d lock the door. I don’t think we’ll be leaving again tonight.” Jesper chirped with a wink that set Wylan’s face aflame.

 

Jesper closed the door to the bathroom and turned on the water in the shower before dropping his remaining clothes to the ground.

 

“On second thought, I could use another shower.” Wylan whispered from behind him.

 

“I fucking love you.” Jesper said with a wicked grin as he pulled Wylan into the shower right along with him. Wylan giggled as Jesper kissed him repeatedly under the warm water, all over his bright red freckled face.

 

Jesper thought, for perhaps the millionth time, Wylan could blow him up with every single one of his bombs and he’d only say “thank you.”

 

 

 

Chapter 47: Wings

Summary:

A few moments of peace in the heart of a snow storm.

Notes:

Chapter 47!!!

Ahhhhhh. Okay ya'll, I'm back for real. I just want to say thank you for all the well wishes about my back, you guys are truly the best. I promise, if I need more time, I'll take it. I only write this story because I truly love it, and I meant what I said: We love self care, here! I'm truly feeling much better and had no problem sitting down and finishing this chapter and editing- so I think we're in the clear! I promise to keep you all updated though if I end up taking any more days off. I won't push myself either, I promise. Thank you a million times over. It honestly was so heart warming to read your comments.

Anyways! This one is mostly fluff too, but it is also setting up for some pretty big milestones in the future and had some scenes I desperately wanted to write! It's a longer one too! yay! Hope you guys love it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I hope it leaves you feeling excited for what is to come!

 

ALSO, GUYS. This story hit 6000 reads. I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT. I hadn't been checking and I was truly shocked, I can't tell you how much that means to me. I started this story hoping I could reach a few people in this fandom who dreamed of a bright future for these two as much as I did after CK, I would have written it if even only one of you loved it. I am so so glad I'm able to share this story I dreamed of with you all. When I read fan fics for Kanej, I always wanted more. So, I decided to write it. I honestly can't say anything more than thank you.

You're all the treasures of my heart.

"Ends of the Earth" by Lord Huron. (This one is more about the beat, but some of the lyrics fit too! I pictured it heavily at the end of this chapter- you'll get it when you get there.)

KAZ

 

            Kaz had fallen back asleep, it was unusual for him to have slept in. It was almost eight bells judging by his time piece on the bedside table. He immediately noticed Inej was not in the bed beside him as she had been several hours ago when he’d awoken before. He felt her near, though. Kaz sat up in the bed and rubbed sleep from his eyes and scanned the room, it was a typically cloudy Ketterdam morning, but he noticed a decent amount of snow had fallen and encompassed the ledge outside the window in a drift against the glass. He noticed a bundle of his clothes near the bathroom door and the shower was running. Inej never took her clothes off before going into the bathroom, it was a small inconsistency that made Kaz stand and limp to the bathroom door to knock. Kaz didn’t think it had been a nightmare that had awoken her, but he wouldn’t leave her in there to fend on her own if it had been.

 

            “Inej?” Kaz’s voice cracked with the residue of sleep in his throat. The water of the shower turned off and Kaz waited. A moment later, Inej opened the door, clad in a towel. Her hair was tied above her head, she’d meant to keep it out of the water, it seemed. Next thing he noticed was she looked tired, despite having gone to bed at the same time as him, she’d seemed to be sleeping peacefully before, when he’d kissed her good morning several hours ago. His stomach still flipped a ridiculous amount at the memory but it was second to the concern her felt.

 

            “Hey. I- um. I didn’t expect- I need to go to the house.” Inej stumbled, he noticed her clutching the towel tighter to herself, a seemingly embarrassed flush was grazing over her still wet collarbones.

 

            “What is it?” Kaz asked, not awake enough to even consider hiding the immediate concern in his tone. Kaz could imagine last night with Hester could have caused her nightmares, but he still wasn’t sure. Kaz also didn’t know why that would mean Inej had to rush to the Van Eck estate.

 

            “I’m-” Inej cut herself off and gripped her abdomen tightly. Inej looked like she was going to be sick.

 

            “Are you sick?” Kaz asked. He wanted to reach out to her but her wet skin posed too much a threat, Kaz would not risk that type of contact with her. It would surely send his demons knocking on the doors of his consciousness.

 

“Not exactly.” Inej mumbled, she’d shut her eyes tightly. She looked to be in pain. Kaz was not pleased.

 

“What is it, Inej? Tell me.” Kaz pressed after she seemed to be more steady.

 

“I… my monthly. I’m early and I didn’t bring anything with me and I should have thought to bring something in the way of supplies to keep here. I’ve always had a painful first few days. I didn’t see it coming.” Inej was looking to the ground.

 

Oh. Oh. That’s all? Mansion. Supplies. Warm drink. Plan-made, crisis-resolved.

 

“I’ll go get what you want from the house. Do you want tea or coffee?” Kaz asked as he limped over to his wardrobe to retrieve clothes for the day. He felt Inej’s eyes follow him through the room. He didn’t understand why she was embarrassed, it was something that happened to her that she could not control. Kaz had seen blood many times, far too many to count, why should this be any different?

 

“You’d go to the house and get supplies for this… for me?” Inej asked quietly, it sounded like she was surprised.

 

“Obviously. You’re in pain. It also snowed, the rooftops will take you longer to maneuver. You can stay here and I’ll go. It’s not… It’s not something you should feel like you can’t tell me.” Kaz wanted her to hear the words, he knew her only other experience with men and this particular situation had probably been in the Menagerie. He did not want to know what any of those bastards had said about it. Inej was a woman and it was normal. Kaz didn’t care one bit. Besides, he’d always known when Inej was on her cycle back when she’d worked with the Dregs. At least, he’d suspected it. Inej ate copious amounts of Ravkan chocolates to begin with but he noticed she had extra in her pockets only around once a month. Kaz had also suspected on several jobs when Inej had lightly gripped her abdomen. If he had known she was in this much pain, he might have pushed jobs around to accommodate her, even back then.

 

Dirtyhands scoffed, Rietveld did not like the idea of Inej in pain.

 

Inej had clearly hidden her pain when she’d been only his spider. He was glad of it, he wished she hadn’t.

 

“I… I um, I need to wash the clothes I was wearing. I am sorry, I know they are yours, technically.” Inej mumbled, he turned to find her leaning against the door frame of the bathroom, the clothing in question bundled tightly in her arms.

 

Kaz went to his desk and found a spare paper bag he’d kept to empty the waste bin; it would work for this.

 

“Clothes in the bag, I’ll drop them at the washroom in the Van Eck mansion. Also, Inej, love, we both know those clothes ceased being mine. Let us not lie to ourselves.” Kaz smirked and Inej’s lips quirked up and she took the bag from him.

 

“Thank you.” Inej whispered with a soft smile. Kaz noticed she was clutching her abdomen again as she set the bag with the clothes on the ground.

 

“I’m going to use the bathroom really quick then you can get back in the shower if you want, if the water helps. I’ll go and come back within an hour.” Kaz passed her and paused to press a kiss to her now dry forehead. He felt rather than saw her smile as he shut the bathroom door behind him, day suit in tow.

 

Around ten minutes later, Kaz left the Slat on his mission. He’d left Inej to get back in the shower and he’d stopped down in his office and read the reports from Roeder regarding the jewel job he was planning. Roeder had managed an excellent night of spidering, Kaz was almost sure enough of the target’s routine to say they should make their move, perhaps only a few more days’ worth of intel, to be positive. Anika had stopped him as well to pass him the Crow Club numbers, based on a cursory glance, the club was still far exceeding expected sales with the new tables and lounge. He was pleased, he’d look over them this afternoon further. He’d almost asked Anika if she had any… feminine supplies to lend to Inej but he hadn’t had a chance. Pim had come downstairs and the two Dregs had made their way out of the building ahead of Kaz toward the Club for clean-up duty after a bar fight broke out the night prior while they’d all been dealing with Charles Hester and his subsequent corpse.

 

Kaz made it to the Van Eck mansion and was let in by Elena. She’d tried to take his coat but at his insistence he’d only be a few moments, she’d relented. Kaz was greeted by Wylan walking down the stairs, clad in sleep clothes and ginger hair pointing every which way.

 

“Morning, Kaz.” Wylan mumbled sleepily, seeming only to realize it was strange that Kaz was in his parlor after he made it halfway through the living room. Kaz looked at him expectantly when the ginger turned around.

 

“Oh. Why are you here before nine bells in the morning, I thought Inej was with you?” Wylan rubbed a hand over his face, stifling a yawn.

 

“I came to get some things for her, she’s back at the Slat. Rough night, Wylan?” Kaz couldn’t help the joke. Wylan flushed brightly in the dim morning light filtering in from the windows. Kaz wondered how often Jesper made the boy blush, it was like a light switch. So easy to flick on and off.

 

“Something like that. Jes is still asleep. You’re welcome to go up, Inej’s parents might be up but I’m not sure.” Wylan managed an embarrassed smile.

 

“Right.” Kaz turned to make his way up the stairs before he paused. “Oh, and Wylan? Thanks for blowing up his damn house. Excellent work.” Kaz mumbled, he heard a mumbled “yeah, yeah,” from a still half-conscious Wylan.

 

            A few minutes later, Kaz was standing in the middle of Inej’s room. He knew he’d forgotten something. He had not asked where she kept what she needed, nor what the package looked like. Kaz released a heavy sigh as he leaned his cane against her bed and made his way to her dresser, he really didn’t want to go through her things, but he saw no other option.

 

            Damnit, Brekker. What is it your best at? Not looking over the details. Good job.

 

            “Kaz? Good morning.” Kaz turned to see Sharya Ghafa leaning against the door frame of Inej’s room. Her hair was already pinned up in a bun on her head, she was dressed for the day and clutching a mug of tea, Kaz noticed the tea string dangling over the side of the ceramic. Sharya had a small smile playing on her face that reminded Kaz so much of Inej he was momentarily frozen.

 

            “Good morning.” Kaz replied. He’d never been alone with Inej’s mother. He thought she liked him, but he was still just the man in love with her only daughter. A man who didn’t deserve her.

 

            But he wanted to. How he wanted to.

 

            “Actually, maybe you can help me?” Kaz asked, the realization that her mother would probably know exactly what he needed to find dawned on him. Sharya raised a dark brow, her diamond nose piercing glinted as she tilted her head to him.

 

            “I… Inej sent me for her supplies for her cycle. She did not tell me what I was looking for and I failed to ask.” Kaz sighed, he ran a gloved hand over the side of his head. Sharya’s eyes were narrowed on him and the gaze of Inej’s mother made him slightly nervous, if he was candid.

 

            “Of course.” Sharya chuckled and she straightened herself and went into the bathroom and dug around in the small cabinet for a moment. He heard a “hah!”, she must have found what he was looking for. Of course it was in the bathroom. Kaz felt dim.

 

            “Here. It was kind of you to come retrieve it for her. Let’s surprise her, come.” Sharya passed him a small black bag, it seemed to be filled with bandages, pads. Of course. Makes sense. Kaz had no idea what Sharya meant but if she had something else she wanted Kaz to bring to her daughter, Kaz would do it eagerly. He’d take as many points in the “acceptable partner” department from her parents as possible.

 

            Kaz followed Sharya down to the kitchen of the Van Eck mansion, they passed Wylan half asleep with a cup of coffee at the dining table. Wylan barely raised his brows in their direction, but Sharya stopped and passed him the entire pot of coffee on her way.

 

            “Drink more, you look exhausted.” Sharya chuckled and Wylan flashed her a brilliant smile. Kaz realized Sharya was much like Inej, always taking care of others when possible.

 

            Sharya opened the door to the kitchen and Kaz paused to drop the bag of clothes in the wash room just inside the door, he knew Wylan wouldn’t mind Inej’s laundry being brought here.

 

            Kaz watched as Sharya went to the herb box below the window sill that faced the back yard, Kaz suspected the herbs in the box were all grown in the Van Eck garden. The kitchen staff probably brought them in to have on hand.

 

            “Come here, I’ll teach you to make this for her since she is with you much more of the year than I am.” Sharya looked at him over her shoulder. Kaz would have thought that was a slight in his direction regarding Inej choosing to return to Ketterdam, but he understood the smile on her caramel hued face. Sharya was not upset Inej was with him, she wanted him to learn something to make Inej feel better.

 

            Inej’s mother is teaching me something about herbs. What a strange turn my life has taken.  

 

            Kaz swallowed his slight nervousness, willing the steel strength within him to show. Kaz wasn’t used to being nervous, around anyone. It seemed all three of the Ghafa’s were the absolute exception to this rule for Kaz Brekker.

 

            “Watch.” Sharya took several different herbs from the box, she listed them as sage, chamomile, and peppermint. The chamomile was a dried light yellow flower, Kaz recognized the scent from one of Inej’s favorite teas that he’d caught scent of a million times when she’d been off to her room in the Slat, back when she was living a floor below him.

 

            Kaz watched as Sharya took a small bag, the kind used for tea, and chopped up the herbs and put them into the bag. Kaz thought they were making tea, but Sharya passed him a ribbon and asked him to tie off the bag. Kaz did as instructed, then Sharya took the bundle and wrapped it in paper, sealed it up, and handed it to him. Kaz was momentarily confused before she explained.

 

            “You place that mixture in a kettle, as if for tea, but only bring the water close to boiling, do not let the kettle warm fully otherwise it will be a little too hot. Then, pour the mixture over a small towel for her, completely drenching it before wringing it out. I’ve done this many times to relieve the cramping. She can lay with it over her middle, it helps soothe the muscles, the warmth in the rag on the skin and the mixture is a natural muscle relaxant. Plus, it smells divine so no complaints from anyone around.” Sharya finished with a brilliant white smile. Kaz couldn’t help the upturn of his own lips as he eyed the small bundle in his hands.

 

            Sharya Ghafa was a good mother, it was the only experience Kaz had ever really had where he saw that particular dynamic in action. He found he liked her, she reminded him much of Inej but also had a softness about her that he presumed came from age. It wasn’t awful.

 

            “Thank you, I know she’ll appreciate that it came from you.” Kaz said as he slipped the herb packet into his pocket along with the small bag of hygiene items for Inej.

 

            “It came from us. Now you’ll know how to make it in the future, I doubt Marya or Wylan would even notice if you came and plucked the herbs from their garden for free.” Sharya laughed and dusted her hands off on a kitchen rag by the stove. Kaz didn’t bother to tell her that he could easily break in and grab them from the box under the window sill.

 

            “Kahir and I noted the weather, perhaps instead of the restaurant tonight we can have dinner here? Wylan told me that he and Jesper are leaving for the weekend with Marya to visit his newest sibling in the countryside? I suspect they’ll still go since they have a carriage that can fair the weather.” Sharya mused as she busied herself with preparing a kettle for more of her own tea.

 

            Kaz had almost forgotten. Dinner with Inej’s parents. Tonight. He was glad of the weather, the club would run smoothly on its own and he’d have Anika in charge of the Dregs tonight, he didn’t have any other task that needed his attention terribly this evening. Kaz was also glad they’d have dinner in the privacy of the Van Eck mansion instead of at a tavern, he didn’t know how he’d explain having a dinner with his work associate’s parents without outing himself and Inej to the entire saints-damned city. Kaz felt more confident than the first night he’d had dinner with her parents, also. He felt he knew them a little better.

 

            He also knew how happy Inej would be to spend more time with them, since work had taken such a clear precedence this week. He wished he could kill Hester again for the simple fact that he’d interrupted the Ghafa’s visit and limited time in Ketterdam.

 

            “Sounds good. Six or seven bells?” Kaz asked and he straightened his tie.

 

            “Let’s say seven. Kahir is helping Specht repair the rail on Inej’s ship today, so I don’t know how late he’ll return.” Sharya smiled softly, it was a movement laced with a gentle sort of pride. She was proud of her daughter owning a ship, and of her husband for stepping in to help take care of it. Kaz presumed Kahir had made friends with Specht on the return voyage to Ravka when Inej had dropped them off.

 

            “Oh! Don’t tell Inej that, it’s a surprise from her father.” Sharya added with another grin.

 

            Kaz nodded, a smile of his own crept onto his face. It seemed his own face knew he could smile freely in the presence of any Ghafa.

 

            “We’ll be here, then.” Kaz said in parting and he made his way back out of the house. Wylan was nowhere to be seen and Kaz suspected the ginger had gone back to a sleeping Jesper.

 

            As Kaz made his way back to the Slat, he wondered if this warm feeling in his chest was what it felt like to have a family. He shook his head of the thought and picked up speed despite his protesting leg in the snow fall, he had an aching avri to attend to.

 

 

INEJ

 

            Inej was finally clean, and protected. She thanked her saints for Kaz the moment he’d returned. She hadn’t even said anything to him, but instead leaned in and kissed his still gloved hand before retreating back to the bathroom.

 

            Inej exited the bathroom and found the room empty. Inej frowned but the ache in her abdomen demanded she march herself back to the bed and lay down. It was the worst part of the month, Inej hated being incapacitated. She knew she could force her body to work, but after last night, she felt like she’d earned the rest. There was nowhere she needed to be today, no work needing to be completed. She’d start worrying about Kane De Vries and the rest of the slave trade tomorrow, she promised herself.

 

            Inej dropped onto the bed unceremoniously and stared at the ceiling beams through a particularly bad cramp. She hoped Kaz would come back upstairs, but if he needed to work in his office, she understood. As if summoned by her thoughts, she heard the rhythmic tap of a cane on the stairs outside the door.

 

            “How are you feeling?” Kaz asked as he shut and locked the door. Inej smiled, he locked it; which meant he was staying upstairs. Inej did not lift her head but she heard him drop some paper work onto his desk and make for the bathroom.

 

            “Like you hit me with your cane in the gut about seven times.” Inej answered and she heard a raspy chuckle and the sound of metal being sat on the bathroom counter. She tilted her head up to see Kaz had a kettle in his hands and he was drenching a towel over the sink, steam billowing around the basin in whirls.

 

            “What are you doing?” Inej asked softly.

 

            Kaz came out of the bathroom and walked to her, Inej caught the scent of the damp towel. Chamomile, peppermint, and sage. Mama, the scent screamed.

 

            Saints, bless him and Mama.

 

            “I saw your mother, she taught me how to make the mixture to help ease the cramps. She wanted me to be able to do it for you… in the future.” Kaz mumbled as he shifted the towel between his hands. Inej felt a giddy laugh build in her throat, she did not release it. Kaz Brekker made her a warm compress for her cycle after speaking to her mother.

 

            Dirtyhands had been learning about herbs from her mother. Her heart swelled, it was as if the saints themselves had shined their light on the boy before her, no matter what he’d done to survive.

 

            “Saints bless you, Kaz Brekker.” Inej mumbled and winced as she sat up on the bed to take the compress from him, she saw him roll his eyes but the movement didn’t conceal the fact he was pleased with her response.

 

            Inej laid back and rolled up the shirt she’d stolen from Kaz’s wardrobe, she rolled the waist line of the sleep trousers down some too, before she placed the compress over her middle. Kaz had diverted his eyes. Inej smiled.

 

            “You are allowed to look, Kaz. It’s just my navel.” Inej chuckled, already feeling the warmth soak into her skin and easing just a bit of her uncomfortableness.

 

            “I- uh. Yes.” Kaz mumbled before he turned away.

 

            Flustered Kaz face was making its way up the ranks.

 

            “Are you leaving?” Inej wondered aloud, she wanted to be sure even though he’d locked the door. Inej wanted to just spend time with him, that was what she wanted for her well-earned day off, despite her angry body.

 

            “I thought I’d stay at least for a little bit.” Kaz answered from somewhere near his desk. Inej had her eyes closed, enjoying the warmth and scent of the compress.

 

            “Only a bit? Do you have anywhere you have to be today?” Inej asked. She hadn’t really intended to make her wishes so well known, but apparently she was feeling honest.

 

            “Are you asking me to stay in this room all day with you, Wraith?” Kaz rasped. Inej heard his gloves land on the desk in a soft plop.

 

            “If I am will you say yes?” Inej mumbled. She swore she heard his eyes roll. Inej wondered if this was part of her cycle, maybe she was feeling a little attached today. Or maybe she just felt this way because Kaz never took days off, she’d like to force him to rest once in a grand while. He’d earned it just as much as she had.

 

            “I suppose you know where I sleep. Best not risk the chance of a blade to the jugular if I refuse you.” Kaz answered with sarcasm dripping on each syllable; he’d moved to right beside the bed. Inej hadn’t even paid attention to his steps nearing. Inej cracked an eye open to see Kaz staring down at her, a small smirk on his lips. A piece of raven hair hung low on his forehead.

 

            “You are correct. You’d be in mortal peril if you dared to refuse me when I’m so unbelievably incapacitated.” Inej quipped.

 

            “I suppose on the other hand; couldn’t that work in my favor? You’re down for the count, darling. I could slip away easily in your current state.” Kaz retorted. Inej felt a smile pull on her lips that she desperately tried to conceal.

 

            “You would have a head start, Brekker. I admit that; but how would you like to find me in your shadow when you least expect it?” Inej mused, failing to hide her smile any longer.

 

            “Ah. You have me there. Though, If the barrel falls to ruination whilst I’m sequestered here, the world will know I died as a hostage and you my captor. Just think, Inej. I could have stopped whatever happened out there while I was stuck here.” Kaz prophesized with a gesture of a pale hand to the window. Inej choked on a chuckle.

 

            “Kaz, you would be the ruination. I’m keeping you here.” Inej laughed so hard her abdomen screamed again. She squeezed her eyes shut and let it pass. The warm compress worked it’s magic.

 

            “Fine, you have a point.” Kaz mumbled with a stony laugh. Inej felt the other side of the bed dip and she opened her eyes once more. Kaz was now next to her, laying on his side, blazer discarded somewhere across the room, tie loose, head propped up on a hand supported by his elbow.

 

            Why did he have to do that? He looked so peaceful. It made her want to kiss him over and over again until she couldn’t remember a scent besides cinnamon and smoky bourbon.

 

            “Tell me something I do not know.” Kaz asked her, his voice was gentle. Inej felt butterflies in her stomach, Kaz had never started the game before. Inej pondered as she looked up to the beams above them.

 

            “When I was little, my father told me that acrobats had wings. I would stand in front of the mirror on a stool for hours, just trying to catch a glimpse of those wings he claimed I had. I think I’d like to get them tattooed eventually. Maybe just small, at the top of my back. It would be a mark I chose. I’d like to have wings forever.” Inej said.

 

She smiled at the memory of her younger self, both reflection and flesh, chasing wings as she spun around and around in circles, eyes darting to see if feathers fluttered to the floor.

 

            “Wings. It suits you.” Kaz responded and Inej turned her head to see him smiling to himself, not noticing her eyes on him as he flicked a stray thread on the pillow case beneath his elbow.

 

            “Your turn.” Inej whispered.

 

            Kaz pondered for a moment and she felt his free hand search for hers on the bed. She moved it to him and he interlaced their fingers gently. She watched as he stared at their hands, she wondered what thoughts came to mind when he considered telling her a truth.

 

            “I bought it back.” Kaz whispered so softly, Inej thought she’d imagined the words.

 

             Inej didn’t know what he meant. His dark eyes caught the dim light from the window as his gaze bumped over her knuckles in tandem with his own finger. Inej noted pristine flecks of copper amidst the ink wells that were his irises.

 

            “Bought what back?” Inej squeezed his hand gently, encouraging him to open up. She could see that whatever this truth was, it was costing his armor greatly. This truth was taking a hammer to his carefully constructed walls in order to break free. She noted the slight furrow to his dark brows, the hesitation in his finger’s motion over her knuckles.

 

            “I bought back the farm I grew up on. I’ve owned it since I was sixteen. I bought it back only five days before I met you. I don’t know why I did. There’s a staff that takes care of it. I think of selling it back off at least once a week. I can’t seem to, though. My…” Kaz swallowed and paused. Inej felt her chest constrict. “My parents are buried out there. My… I bought my brother a headstone even though his body was lost. I don’t believe in funerals, but I did that. I still don’t know why.”

 

            Oh, Kaz. Inej wanted to tell him he didn’t need a reason, but she knew that’s not how Kaz’s mind worked. Kaz saw logic, plans. She would tell him what she believed, then.

 

            “Aatma ko diya. To set his spirit free. I think that’s why you did it, because you knew he’d want to be there instead of the harbor.” Inej whispered, she tentatively raised her hand out of the embrace from his hand, she gently tipped his chin up to make him look at her.

 

            “Aatma ko diya.” Kaz nodded, his accent did not assist the words very much, but he did well for his first try.

 

            “Have you gone back to see it?” Inej asked gently, she did not want to press him if he did not wish to tell her further. She respected that Kaz would open up when he could, as he learned to drop his walls of defense around his heart and mind.

 

            Kaz tensed, but he sighed. Inej was beginning to recognize that sometimes he needed a moment, a breath, to win out against his first instinct to tell her it was not her business.

 

            “No. The caretaker has written me saying both the house and the barn are in decent condition, though.” Kaz said simply. Inej read between the lines marring his face.

 

            Kaz was afraid to return. He wasn’t sure if it would heal or destroy long since healed wrong parts of himself. It would either pad and aid the scar tissue or rip it back open violently.

 

            “Should you ever wish to… maybe I could go with you, if you thought that might help.” Inej whispered gently, the same way Kaz had offered to return to the caravans with her in the face of her own fear.

 

            Kaz looked at her then, it was a look she’d never seen. In that look, she saw many words. A thousand “I love yous”, a pinch of “where have you been my whole life?” and lastly, a “thank you” so profound it would never come out right in any language.

 

            Inej raised her hand and gently grabbed his loose tie, pulling him forward to her. His pupils widened in surprise. She answered that “thank you” with a “you’re welcome” in the only way she thought might convey the honesty of her offer. She willed every ounce of promise and hope and love she had within her into that kiss.

 

Kaz had to know she meant it. She would always mean it, whether he decided to go tomorrow or ten years from now.

 

 

             Kaz mumbled against her lips, a desperate hope lacing his whisper.

 

            “Yes. Come with me.”

Chapter 48: Shades of Gray

Summary:

Kaz realizes how much he exists in a shade of gray.

Notes:

Chapter 48!

Okay guys chapter 48! I took one more day off but I'm here with a new one! This one is a little shorter, but it has a moment of realization for Kaz that will be important going forward. It also just has a scene that felt really expressive of Inej's family that I wanted to write. I hope you guys love it! I'll have the next one up either tonight within the next few hours or tomorrow!

Thank you so much!!! I love you all.

Drop me a comment with what you think and any feelings!

KAZ

 

            Snow fell at a leisurely pace from the sky as Kaz made his way up the path to the Van Eck mansion. He knew Inej had arrived before him despite having left at about the same time as him from the Slat; she had decided to take her time across the rooftops as she was feeling better since the morning. Kaz hadn’t minded, he could tell she was craving a little bit of exercise and fresh air in the sky, well, as fresh as air got in Ketterdam. Kaz himself had also made some stops on the way to the house, he clutched a paper bag under his arm. He noticed Inej’s small and delicate footprints in the snow on the walkway ahead of him. Inej had spent most of the afternoon leaning against his shoulder on the bed, in and out of a peaceful sleep as he read through the numbers and reports from the Club.

 

            Kaz had stayed in bed with her all day. He didn’t know if he’d done that even once just because he could. The only other time he could recall resting so much had been when he’d broken his leg, he’d been fourteen. Granted, he’d worked all afternoon this time, but he still found his leg protested less on the walk to the house, and he felt well rested. It was strange, he wasn’t even craving an evening coffee.

 

            A few moments later, Kaz entered the mansion. He opened the door himself, it had been unlocked for him. Kaz knew that Inej’s parents probably left it unlocked for him, Inej never would have, she’d prefer him to pick the lock. He loved her for it. Kaz knew that the Ghafa’s probably insisted that Elena and the other house staff take the night off since Jesper and Wylan along with Marya were en route to the countryside for the next few days to visit Alys Van Eck, her young daughter, and her new… housemate. A suli music teacher. Kaz didn’t envy the singing that Wylan and Jesper were about to endure. He remembered the young Van Eck wife, while very kind, she was an absolute nuisance in Kaz’s opinion. Maybe the child would take after Wylan’s side of the family and be better adept to hold a tune. If Kaz was a praying man, he would have prayed for that child to be more musically inclined than its mother.

 

            Kaz was wrapped in warmth immediately upon entering the marbled foyer, a roaring fire was going under the mantle in the living room to his left. Kaz noticed the sofas had been pushed back away from the coffee table, in their place, cushions sat on the ground. There were tapered candles lit in the center of the coffee table and he noticed a small arrangement of flatware and napkins folded on the side of the candles. Kaz had never smelled anything like the aroma that whipped around his senses like tendrils of a vine plant. It was spices, rich and deep. Something sweet. Something savory. Kaz didn’t think he’d ever really felt his mouth genuinely water, but it did for whatever they were having for dinner. Kaz didn’t know what the Van Eck kitchens had produced, but he was fully invested in whatever it was.

 

            Kaz made his way to the dining room, assuming the living room would be for dessert. He entered the room and found the table empty, no place settings to be seen. He heard a booming laugh come from the kitchen, he immediately recognized it as belonging to Kahir Ghafa. Kaz also felt Inej nearby, he didn’t hesitate to open the door to the kitchen that he’d been in only this morning with Sharya Ghafa.

 

            Kaz didn’t expect the sight in front of him. Inej, perched on the edge of the counter, a glass of something pink in hand; her shoes were off and her small bare feet swung in the air, she’d also let her hair down and slipped in her nose ring. Kahir Ghafa was flicking pieces of something green, appearing to be parsley, at Sharya as she stood at the stove. Every piece that hit his unsuspecting wife garnered a laugh from both his daughter and himself, causing Sharya to turn and throw daggers around the two of them with her eyes.

 

            “Saints help my family,” Sharya mumbled as she stirred a pot over the flame.

 

            “Kaz! Welcome!” Kahir noticed him first in the doorway. Kaz shifted the package under his arm and shook Kahir’s extended hand.

 

            “Oh, Kaz! Good! Someone who can defend me from the merciless mocking of my daughter and husband.” Sharya turned to Kaz with a smile and Kaz felt his chest warm, he hadn’t known what he expected, but this surely must be what welcome felt like.

 

            “Kaz is on my side, you cannot divert him, Mama.” Inej chirped as she hopped down from the counter gracefully. The drink in her wine glass barely even swished at the movement. Sharya and Kahir both laughed, their mutual laughter reminded Kaz of some sort of melody without even trying.

 

            “Hello.” Inej smiled to him as she filled another glass on the counter and passed it to him. Kaz eyed the glass in front of him, he noticed something that looked like peach slices in the wine at the bottom of the glass.

 

            “It’s winter peach sangria, my wife is a lovely woman who has blessed us with desert wine that is easy going down and even easier to get drunk off.” Kahir chuckled at Kaz’s raised eyebrows. Inej pushed the glass into his hand and Kaz couldn’t help the smile on his lips. He raised the glass to his lips and it smelled divine. It reminded him of winter, despite the fruit. It tasted like nothing he’d ever had. It wasn’t too sweet, it was a gentle sort of citrus that was in fact, Kaz decided, going to be easy to get drunk off.

 

            “Thank you.” Kaz rasped and Inej touched his arm gently before she moved back to the island and picked up a kitchen knife and began chopping a clove of garlic that was already peeled in front of her.

 

            “What’s the package?” Inej asked when she stole a glance back at Kaz. Kaz had almost forgotten the parcel under his arm. Kaz downed the wine in his glass and made his way to stand beside Inej at the island and set the bag on the counter. Kaz removed the bottle of vintage bourbon he’d had his eye on for Kahir Ghafa at the shops down the street from the Slat. He’d planned to buy it since he’d learned Kahir enjoyed bourbon as much as himself. It was also distilled in Ravka and imported to Kerch. He thought it might… he thought it would be a kind gesture. He didn’t know when he’d started thinking of things like that.

 

            “For you.” Kaz said and he passed the bottle to Kahir. Kahir’s face broke out in a brilliant white smile as he eyed the label.

 

            “You can stay. Inej, keep the boy.” Kahir chuckled and whistled a tune as he began searching a drawer in the counter beside him for a bottle opener. Kaz felt his skin warm, but he managed a smile. He felt Inej’s eyes and he didn’t turn to meet them. He didn’t want her praise, he just wanted to make an effort for her, in this small way he knew how.

 

            “I was planning on it, Papa.” Inej giggled and he noticed the sureness of her hands beside him with the blade. He knew Inej would not be cooking, but he understood why Inej would take over chopping up ingredients. She was very familiar with dicing, after all. The thought made him smile once more.

 

            Kaz reached back into the bag and gently removed the small bundle that was wrapped in a sheet of tissue paper. He walked around the counter and passed it to Sharya Ghafa when she moved away from the stove. She took the bundle from him immediately and when she opened it, he felt eyes on him from both Kahir and Inej. It was a small bouquet of fresh geraniums, tied in a violet ribbon. It was from the same flower shop he’d bought Inej’s from, he hoped Sharya would appreciate them, too.

 

            “Inej told me they were your favorite first.” Kaz mumbled, he clasped his hands in front of himself to keep from squirming under Sharya’s eyes. Kaz didn’t expect the reaction he received.

 

            Sharya Ghafa hugged him in the middle of the Van Eck kitchen.

 

Her skin did not touch his, he noticed. It was brief and loose and he didn’t drown. It was just completely unexpected. He swore he heard Inej’s breath hitch from somewhere behind him, worried for his sake.

 

            “Thank you.” Sharya smiled so brilliantly, he thought it was worth the adrenaline of anxiety swirling in his gut from the embrace. Kaz watched as she fished around for a glass and moved to the sink to fill it with water for her flowers. Kaz was frozen for only a moment before he made himself walk back to Inej in what he hoped appeared as a completely unaffected and casual gait.

 

            “Are you okay?” Inej asked under her breath when Kahir moved across the kitchen to help Sharya remove something from the oven.

 

            Kaz didn’t respond verbally, instead he leaned in a placed a kiss to her cheek. Inej smiled a sunshine type of smile and turned back to her chopping. Kaz didn’t know what to do with himself but his awkward standing did not last for long.

 

            “Do you play cards often, Kaz?” Kahir turned his dark eyes to Kaz from across the island.

 

            “I do. I mostly deal at the Club but I know many deal and play types.” Kaz answered honestly.

 

            “Excellent. I doubt you know this one, it’s one from our culture. I’ll teach you, I suspect you’re a quick study. Come, join me for a game at the table. We still have awhile before dinner will be ready.” Kahir plucked up a deck of cards from the counter, Kaz hadn’t noticed the box there. Kahir had planned to ask him to play, it was a strange and warm realization. Kaz found he wasn’t nervous to sit with Kahir any longer. In fact, he always wanted to learn new card games, he wanted to go with Inej’s father. He stole a glance to Inej.

 

            “Go. I’ll be out in a moment. Mama will kick me out when there’s nothing left for me to chop. I’m not allowed near the stove.” Inej threw a false glare to Sharya and her mother simply nodded in a mock seriousness. Kaz placed a kiss to her hair on top of her head, despite the audience. He didn’t… he didn’t even consider if her parents would mind the small affections. Kaz also had no idea when these movements of affection had become so natural to him, it was only for Inej. It didn’t seem like her parents noticed at all, except for a tiny slip of a smile from Sharya before she turned back to her task. Kaz was grateful.

 

            As Kaz followed Kahir into the dining room, he realized he’d kissed his girl, his avri, in front of her parents. He was going to play cards with her father. Her mother had taught him how to make herb concoctions to ease her daughter’s cramping. He was going to sit down and have dinner and conversation and… be with family.

 

            How had Kaz Brekker, Dirtyhands, Bastard, Careless monster, earned a place amongst a family? He didn’t know. He just realized he didn’t want to lose it. The Ghafa’s were all amongst the select few he’d lay his life down for, now.

 

            Inej, Sharya, Kahir. And now… maybe, himself. That was this family. Kaz understood what avrireally meant when Kahir poured them both healthy glasses of bourbon and joked about his abysmal shuffling in front of a gambling hall owner. Kahir treated Kaz as if he’d always been meant to be here.

 

Kahir treated Kaz like family.

 

Kaz would have run from even the idea of having people to lose, once. He would have sworn he could make it through life completely alone. Maybe, he could have. It wouldn’t have been the same, though; he wouldn’t have been the same. Kaz’s already sharp edges would have turned lethal to his soul.

 

Kaz found he preferred this version of himself.

 

Kaz was still crooked parts, harsh lines, terrible schemes. Kaz was also bottles of bourbon, card games, family dinners, and wholly in love with a suli woman who he trusted to carry his heart across the wire between the violence and the love that existed in his corner of gray.

 

Kaz decided then and there that he needed to pick up construction on the apartment building he’d purchased. He wanted it done sooner.

 

           

 

Chapter 49: To the Ends of the Earth

Summary:

A decision.

Notes:

Chapter 49!!!!!!

AHHH. OKAY. Guys i'm so ready for you to read this. 2 UPDATES IN ONE NIGHT, WHO AM I? A.) I love this chapter. B.) it tells you where we're going for "season 3" of this story. We're almost to the end of "season 2". I am so so so so excited, can you tell?

Anyways, thank you so so much for the support. You guys are the best and I love you all.

Drop me a comment and let me know what you guys think, and if you're as excited as I am!

 

"If I go, I'm Goin" by Gregory Alan Isakov. Part lyrics, part tone for the end of this chapter, i just think the notes fit the scene so well. I love this song, I hope you guys love it too.

INEJ

 

            “Go, I see you eyeing that door. Go make eyes at him from the same room.” Mama turned to Inej from her place at the stove.

 

            “I was not making eyes.” Inej rolled the deceiving eyes in question.

 

            “Yes you were, don’t lie to me little one.” Mama replied with a dramatic gesture of a spoon for Inej to leave the kitchen.

 

            “Fine. Are you sure you don’t need me to do anything else?” Inej moved a placed a kiss on her mother’s cheek and eyed the fresh pan bread that had just come out of the oven. Inej couldn’t wait for home cooked food from her own culture, it had been far too long. Inej also hoped Kaz would like it, if they were to go to Ravka-to the caravans- Kaz would be surrounded by the food of her people.

 

            “Yes, tell those two it’ll be about fifteen minutes.” Mama answered in suli as she smiled back to Inej. Inej would not fight her further, nothing in the world compared to Mama’s cooking; Inej would leave her to it.

 

            Inej washed her hands and took a fresh glass of sangria for herself and made her way into the dining room, Kaz and Papa were sitting across from each other at the table, fully immersed in a game Inej recognized instantly as “maha khel”. It was a game she’d played against her father many times since she was old enough to understand the rules; he’d beat her ruthlessly every single time.

 

            If anyone could show Papa a run for his money in card games, it would be Kaz Brekker.

 

            Inej smiled a devious little smile as she made her way to the table, Kaz looked up instantly as she walked further into the room.

 

            “I’ve never beat him. Ever.” Inej purposefully whispered to Kaz loud enough for her father to hear. Kaz smirked.

 

            “Oh! Mera tarre, you must not speak so deviously of your only father. I only am better because you over thought it.” Papa rolled his eyes and threw down a jack of spades. Kaz would have to beat it with a higher card lest he’d have to pick up the growing pile in front of his face down cards.

 

            “I will try my best Inej, but I fear your father may have taught me the worst game possible. I can’t count cards because they get recycled back into the draw deck.” Kaz said in false despair, he ran a gloved hand over the side of his hair and Inej took the moment to lean down to see Kaz’s hand from over his shoulder. Kaz could beat the jack but it would leave him in a dire state after this hand unless he picked up something high on his draw.

 

            “You do not want her on your team, Kaz. My daughter has a terrible poker face when it comes to cards.” Papa mused as Kaz threw down a queen to beat the jack.

 

            “I do not!” Inej cried and she pulled out a seat for herself beside Kaz. Kaz was smirking at her and she knew he agreed with her father.

 

            “Oh do not look at me like that, either of you!” Inej huffed a breath when she felt her cheeks warm. Her breath won her a chuckle from both of the men at the table. Inej rolled her eyes but she knew it did not hide her genuine amusement. Inej watched as they continued to go back and forth, sipping bourbon every now and then. She watched as Kaz toasted her father in an excellent play.

 

            Inej hadn’t realized how much she’d longed for this with Kaz, too. To watch him completely unbothered, drinking with her father and doing something he genuinely enjoyed doing. Kaz had nowhere else he had to be, and not for the first time, Inej realized it was a testament that Kaz was where he wanted to be.

 

Her heart felt warm within her chest as she watched the two men she was sure she’d love for the rest of her life play cards, completely unaware of the incredible odds that had been against this very scenario happening. Unaware that the girl beside them was near tears of the most ardent type of joy imaginable, at the sheer fact that the impossibility had come to life.

 

 A few moments later, Kaz lost in a card game against Kahir Ghafa.

 

“I love and hate this game in equal measure.” Kaz proclaimed with a genuine laugh.

 

“That’s the addictive part. We will have to play again, later.” Kahir laughed alongside Kaz and Inej heard a crash in the kitchen, she made to stand to check on Mama but her father cut her off.

 

“I’ll go, it was surely not her dropping anything, lest she’ll be embarrassed for the rest of her life.” Kahir winked at Kaz and Inej before he made his way through the door to the kitchen.

 

“Are you well?” Inej turned to Kaz now and she found him flipping the deck of cards between his hands as if the cards were spades and aces made water.

 

“I am.” Kaz smiled when he acted like he was going to drop the deck and Inej shifted in her seat as if to catch the cards, only for him to shift them back between his hands, completely in control of the deck the entire time.

 

“That was mean.” Inej mumbled but her lips pulled up instantly.

 

“I’m a terrible man, Inej. What did you expect?” Kaz responded easily with a crooked grin.

 

“Let us not lie to ourselves.” Inej retorted and Kaz snorted a breath in amusement. She knew how much he loved having his own words turned against him, that is to say, he didn’t love it at all.

 

“Dinner is ready!” Kahir said as he came through the doors holding several stacked baskets of what Inej knew to be pan bread. Inej stood and opened the door to the living room, ignoring the raised eyebrows of Kaz. Inej knew he probably thought they would sit in the dining room. Inej smiled to him in response to his unasked questions as her father brushed past into the living room.

 

“Go sit Papa, I’ll get the rest with Mama. Kaz, go. Take a seat in the living room.” Inej directed him and he quirked his head but flicked his cane up anyways and made his way past her as instructed.

 

A few moments later, Inej and Sharya carried the pot of spicy vegetable soup, the curry, apricot chicken and a fresh plate of sweet bread for desert into the living room. Inej found her father kneeling on a cushion and distributing the plates around the coffee table. Kaz was sat somewhat awkwardly on a cushion as well, leaving the space beside him empty for her to sit with him.

 

It was a sight that brought Inej back to her childhood instantly. Dinner by a fire amongst her family. Inej had once thought she’d never live to see another moment like this one, the saints and her own strength had proved her past-self wrong.

 

Inej helped her mother arrange the food out on the table before she kneeled down beside Kaz and set the decanter of sangria down as well.

 

“Oh, we did not consider your leg. Will this be alright?” Mama stopped in her tracks, only now remembering Kaz’s bad leg.

 

“Yes, I’m fine. I promise. It’s not bothering me at all, though I fear I won’t kneel. It’s my knee.” Kaz answered, Inej noted an almost unnoticeable stutter on his words, she could tell that Kaz was embarrassed. She knew it was only because he wasn’t used to someone taking any sort of consideration in for his leg, most people knew he was lethal regardless of it. He also wasn’t used to sitting with a suli family for dinner.

 

“Alright. I’m glad of it because we sit on the ground so much back in Ravka.” Mama said with a smile as she settled in beside Papa.

 

“We spend so much time in the sky that we eat on the ground.” Inej chuckled and it garnered a smirk from Kaz in her direction.

 

Inej watched as her mother started loading her plate, Papa joined. Inej gestured for Kaz to go for it when he didn’t move.

 

Kaz had manners all along, Inej thought to herself.

 

 

KAZ

 

            Kaz listened as Kahir and Sharya explained to Inej different things that had happened back in the caravans, her cousin had a baby, her uncle had broken his foot but was about ready to get back on the wire. Inej was smiling but he saw something in her eyes that only registered to him as sadness. Inej wanted to go and see them, but she was afraid. Inej had told him as much before, she’d shared the fear and the heartbreak with him.

 

            Kaz rested his gloved palm face up against her thigh beneath the table, he wanted her to know he saw it, he understood. Not a moment passed before Inej’s palm slid into his, she squeezed hard when her mother spoke of a brand new show they’d been practicing. Kaz squeezed back.

 

            I’m here. We’ll go, if you want.

           

            Kaz used his free hand to continue eating the curry and pan bread. Kaz had recently, as in within the past half bell, declared himself a fan of suli cuisine. He had never tasted so many spices that worked so well together in tandem. He also discovered he loved the heat that was encompassed with peppers in the dishes, it was nothing like anything he’d ever eaten in Kerch. He could live with eating Sharya Ghafa’s cooking every day for the rest of his life, but he’d settle for whenever the Ghafa’s were in town; or, he realized, if he were in Ravka with Inej.

 

            “You really must come visit, Inej. They all miss you terribly and it’s been so long.” Sharya smiled softly in Inej’s direction. Kaz felt her squeeze his hand again under the cover of the table.

 

            “You could always come back with us, the winter would be the best time for you to take time off of your work, the seas are less active, no?” Kahir asked after a sip of sangria. Kaz felt his chest tighten, he wanted to go with Inej as he promised. Kahir had a point though, the winter was just beginning and with Charles Hester out of the way, Kane De Vries would need time before he came after Inej again. Kaz didn’t suspect he would act quickly in the dead of winter if he was not in Kerch. Kaz also knew that the slavers were still active in the winter on the True Sea, but far less so than in the spring and summer months. At least near kerch and Ravka. Especially less active near the frozen tundra that was Fjerda.

 

            “I… well.” Inej clicked her mouth shut and disguised her hesitation with a sip of wine, Kaz noticed a flush to her cheeks. Inej was still Kahir and Sharya’s daughter, a girl under pressure from her parents.

 

            Kaz pondered for a moment. He wasn’t sure the Ghafa’s were also inviting him to attend, but if they were and Inej wanted to go, could he realistically right now? The answer flared in his head and heart. Yes, he could.The barrel was ruled by the Dregs, since the liddies attack many months ago now, no one had even tried to undermine his or the Dreg’s claim as the top of the food chain. The club was running smoothly; the expansion was open as well. Jesper was partial owner if anything went awry in Kaz’s absence in that sense. Kaz also knew he could count on Rotty to watch out for skimming dealers and fire them if need be. Rotty had acted under Kaz in that sense many times. Kaz had a lieutenant, Anika, who he knew had no wish to be boss permanently, but would be able to step up in his stead if he left for a month. It was because she had no wish to be boss, that he wouldn’t worry about leaving the Dregs in her care for that short amount of time. Even if someone else attempted a coup, Kaz could come back and demolish it. He knew he could. Kaz also only had one job on the books, the jewels he planned to lift off of a mercher. He could wait on it, or he might even be able to accomplish it before leaving. Either way, the Dregs pockets were flush with kruge from the club alone. Pekka Rollins was not in Ketterdam, his revenge could wait.

 

            It was at dinner with Inej’s parents, on the floor of Wylan Van Eck’s living room, and during a snow storm, that Kaz realized his life was fairly stable for the first time in his memory. He was able to make plans without wondering if everything he’d built would be snatched out from beneath him.

 

            “Of course, we’d ask you to come as well, Kaz.” Kahir piped in, drawing Kaz out of his private epiphanies in his head.

 

            “Think on it, mera tarre. We just love you, we wish for you to visit. You need to introduce your avri to the family, too.” Kahir said now in his daughter’s direction with a soft, fatherly smile. Sharya nodded as well, though Kaz saw her pleading Inej with her eyes.

 

            “We’ll talk about it.” Inej answered honestly as she rubbed a finger along Kaz’s knuckles through his glove. Kaz knew she would ask him later what he thought, he felt it in her energy.

 

When she asked, Kaz would tell her the truth.

 

            Several hours passed after dinner without Kaz even noticing, he’d ended up playing cards with Kahir Ghafa three more times, he’d lost every time. It was strange to not be able to win at a game, he couldn’t cheat even if he wanted to. Kahir was a marvelous opponent, and Kaz found he loved the game he’d been taught. Maha khel. After their last round, Kaz looked up to find Inej was perched on the edge of a chair across the room, watching her mother press one of the geraniums Kaz had bought her earlier. She had what looked to be a journal in her lap and Kaz couldn’t help but smile as Sharya placed the flower within and delicately closed the book. Sharya was also saving a geranium from him. It made his chest feel warm. Inej noticed he was watching and she sent him a private smile that emanated more warmth than the fireplace behind him.

Kaz also noted that the dishes had been carted away, he hadn’t even realized that Inej and her mother had taken them, he had been completely concentrated on his match against Kahir. Kaz must have displayed the guilt on his face because Kahir had shook his head and told Kaz that Sharya did not accept help with dishes except from Inej. It was thing that they shared as mother and daughter, time to stand side by side and talk. Kahir had said “you’ll get used to it.” Kaz felt the weight of those simple words sink into him, they expected him to be around.

 

Kaz wanted more nights like this. It was odd and different than anything else he’d ever longed for. There was something pure about the simple craving for the company of the Ghafa’s, Kaz had never expected to want more time with them as well as Inej. He looked within himself and found that there was no part of him that wished the feelings away. It was a new normal.

 

            Not too long after, Sharya and Kahir both bid their goodnights to Kaz and Inej. Kahir had asked Kaz to play cards with him again as soon as possible and Kaz eagerly agreed. Sharya had thanked him for the flowers again. Kaz also overheard Inej promising her parents that she would consider their proposal to come to Ravka. Her parents left in five days, it was not much time to decide.

 

            Kaz sat down on the sofa as Inej stared after her parents on the stairs for a moment, he sensed she needed a breath. After a small eternity, Inej turned and walked to him. There was a smile on her face but indecision in her eyes.

 

            “Is this seat taken?” Inej gestured to the spot beneath his arm over the back of the sofa.

 

            “Are you making a move on me, Wraith?” Kaz chuckled and he saw light from the fire set her irises aflame in golden and chocolate hues.

 

            “Absolutely.” Inej mumbled with a chuckle as she sat and pulled her legs under herself beneath his arm, she pressed into his side and laid her head against his chest. Kaz brought his arm down to her shoulder and pulled her closer still, rubbing his hand over her shirt.

 

            “Do you want to stay here or go back to the Slat tonight?” Kaz asked as he stared into the fire.

 

            “I want to go back to the Slat but it might be easier to stay here with the snow.” Inej answered, her voice soft, muffled against his shirt.

 

            “That’s true. But if you want to go back, we can.” Kaz responded and continued to rub up her arm. Inej pulled away only slightly and sat up so she could look at him. Their faces were less than a foot apart.

 

            “And if… if I wanted to go back somewhere else… say to Ravka, would you come with me? Would you be able to?” Inej’s eyes were searching his face. It was the only sign of nervousness he could detect from her, the only thing that gave away how much she wanted to do this with him by her side.

 

            Kaz had already made his decision, if it were what she wanted.

 

            “I’ll go if you want to go.” Kaz said simply.

 

            “It’s just it’s last minute and we’ll have to take a tourist ship with my parents, I can’t call my crew away from their leave again. They’ve earned it, saints they’ve earned these months off. After all we lost… I can’t ask them to make new plans and sail to Ravka now. I’d have to leave my ship here with Specht and that’s fine with me but I know there’s so many things you would need to-” Kaz cut Inej off, she was worrying herself for nothing. Kaz didn’t want that for her, she needed to be worried about how she felt about returning to the caravans, not him. He’d go because she wanted him there. He’d go because he loved her, because he couldn’t imagine parting with her again so soon.

 

            Kaz would follow his wraith to the end of the earth if she asked him. He knew it in his bones, even if his damned defenses railed against it, rattling his armor.

 

            “Inej. I will go with you because I want to. Because I love you. Etma se saman. Equals. I’ll be there with you.” Kaz dropped the armor that wrapped his heart, he swore he heard the clang of metal hitting the ground ring in his ears.

 

            It was the victory shout of Rietveld.

 

            “You’ll come with me.” Inej whispered the words as if she’d never expected to say them. It was a prayer. She said the words the way she’d always mouthed the names of her saints. It was reverent.

 

            The grin that broke free on Inej’s face was one that showed Kaz her wings. They were marked with stab wounds and bullet holes, yet stronger than any sail made of canvas; those wings could fly against every wind of chaos and wickedness the world blew her way.

 

            That smile. That smile showed Kaz what the world looked like from the sky. Inej had brought him up from the ground with her. The stars were brighter than anything he’d ever seen, they were hung in Inej Ghafa’s eyes.

 

           

 

Chapter 50: Milestones

Summary:

The beginning of a new journey.

Notes:

Chapter 50!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHH. HERE WE ARE. It is the end of what I imagine as "season 2" of this story. Guys, when I tell you I'm excited, I might mean it even more than when we ended "season 1". This chapter is so special for me, I know I say that a lot, and truth be told, they all are. I pour as much love and devotion into this story as I can, but theres a few chapters that really stand out amongst them for me and this is one of them, specifically the end of this one for a very big reason. I sincerely hope you guys love it, it's a longer one and I took some extra time with this one and I hope it shines through.

Also, I had a bajillion hours at work this past weekend so I waited to edit until I could really focus, hope it was worth a bit of a wait.

Also, Also. This story hit 150k words? I didn't even notice till now. Time flies when you aren't mourning or planning a funeral, I suppose. ;)

Thank you so much a million times over. I hope you guys are ready for a big "season 3", we're going places with our favorite badass couple.

Drop me a comment with what you think, any feelings and if you're excited! I love talking to you all and reading your thoughts.

"Begin Again" by Matt Hires. This song. This chapter. If you don't listen to any others I list, I'd love if you listened to this one. The lyrics especially mark something special for this chapter. I hope you love it.

Thanks again, and now, please enjoy. <3

INEJ

 

            It had been four days of scrupulous planning. Inej had taken care of every last thing she could in order to ease Specht and Quin’s charge of chores over her ship in its berth for the next month; Papa and Specht had also repaired the rail which had been a tremendous help. Inej had barely seen Kaz over the past days, she’d felt him lay down beside her at the Slat at night, but he’d been gone to his office before she’d awoken each day. She knew he was planning, he was making sure Anika could handle his absence as well as the rest of the Dregs. The official story, for those Dregs that did not know of their relationship, was that Kaz was going on a job with Inej in order to scope out new wealthy merchers relocating from Ravka and Noyvi Zem to Kerch; capitalizing on her free time away from the True Sea. They would not be taking Inej’s ship in order to maintain confidentiality. Inej didn’t think any of the Dregs would bother to question Kaz’s choice to go on a job though, anyways. Kaz had that effect on people.

 

            Inej didn’t know how she felt. She was both excited and terrified. Inej had dreamed of this moment a thousand times, a chance to return to her people, her family. Once, in the funereal mindset she’d been in while stuck in the Menagerie, she thought the day would never come. When Kaz reunited her with her parents, she’d thought she’d jump at the opportunity to sail straight back to Ravka and see the caravans again; but she hadn’t felt that way. This trip felt like a test of herself in a way she had not expected, it was a test if she could be both the new woman she had grown into as well as some semblance of the girl they’d all loved. She knew her family would accept her, but she also needed to accept that she would never again be that same girl who was taken from Ravka.

 

Inej Ghafa hadn’t died, but she’d been thrown into the flames of misery and was forged into a beacon of something new, strong and victorious.

 

Inej was sitting on the edge of the bed in the attic. She felt the anxiety creeping in, they were leaving tomorrow. She and Kaz had obtained passage on the same ship as her parents; including their own private cabin, which Inej was grateful for. She knew she would have a week aboard the ship to prepare herself before they docked in Os Kervo, but the knowledge did nothing to soothe the nerves she hadn’t even known she had. Her shoulders felt tight, as if she’d been running the rooftops for hours without stretching, or if she’d been practicing her posture for a show off between herself and gravity on the high wire.

 

Inej stared at the leather traveling bag next to Kaz’s desk that he’d surely pack when he came up to the attic. Inej tried to tell herself over and over again that Kaz would be there to help her, but the only thing making its way through to her heart was the fear of having to tell her story again. The fear of pity on her family’s faces.

 

Inej wasn’t sure this was a good idea. Maybe she should call the trip off entirely and avoid Ravka until she was dust on the wind and had no choice in where it blew.

 

She’d hate herself if she did that, she knew it. She wanted Kaz to meet her family, she wanted her family to meet this new version of herself. Inej wouldn’t want to be anyone but who she was.

 

Saints, lend me your unfaltering strength.

 

There was a tap of a cane on the stairs. Kaz didn’t need to see this, her breakdown. Inej knew how much he was walking away from to come with her to Ravka, even for only a month. She knew he had painstakingly planned. Inej busied her hands in a false task of folding the freshly laundered clothes beside her that she’d brought from the mansion earlier in the day. It was eight bells at night now. They were to be on the docks at seven bells in the morning. The door opened and Inej did not look up, Kaz would know something was amiss if he saw her eyes, she knew he would.

 

“I think those pants are folded, Inej.” Kaz rasped in greeting. Inej looked down to her lap at the leggings she’d folded and unfolded three times. She hadn’t even noticed; her mind was locked in other jail cells. She stole a glance at Kaz who was now leaning against the bathroom door frame. Inej hadn’t even registered that he’d locked the attic door and moved across the room.

 

“Oh, seems they are.” Inej mumbled and stood with her back to him and found a shirt to occupy her useless hands. She began folding again.

 

“Everything is ready, I have to pack, though. Are your parents ready to return home?” Kaz said conversationally from behind her. She heard him run the water in the sink.

 

“Yes. They’re excited to say the least.” Inej answered honestly. Her parents were beside themselves with glee that she and Kaz had taken up their proposal to visit Ravka. Inej didn’t know what to do with it, she admittedly had avoided them when she’d gone to the mansion this afternoon. She avoided Jesper and Wylan as well, she knew they’d be at the docks in the morning to see them off. Jesper and Wylan had been nothing but supportive of Inej visiting Ravka, they’d been surprised Kaz was going too, but one glare from Dirtyhands had shut Jesper up. Inej also knew Jesper had been under careful training from Kaz over the past few days in case he needed to do anything with the Club. Thankfully, Jesper was also good with numbers- he would take up Kaz’s task of looking over the Club sales in their absence.

 

“Inej.” Kaz voiced from behind her.

 

“Hmm?” Inej hummed noncommittedly as she set the shirt aside and looked hopelessly for something else to occupy her hands. Inej wondered dimly if this was the type of energy that Jesper had all the time; she was normally fine to sit still. She preferred it, actually. Inej didn’t know how she’d hide her nerves if she didn’t find something to do with her damn hands right now, though.

 

“Did you hear anything I said?” Kaz asked now, he was closer and Inej turned around to see him only a few feet from her. She didn’t know how she’d missed his movement again.

 

“I- no. Sorry.” Inej whispered and turned away from his eyes again.

 

“Inej. Look at me. Please.”

 

Damnit. The word “please” was so rarely used from Kaz Brekker in earnest that of course her body betrayed her. She turned around. She did not look him in the eye.

 

“Yes?” Inej tried for confident. She didn’t think it worked based on the light tilt of Kaz’s head and the flex of a muscle in his jaw. She focused her eyes somewhere over his shoulder.

 

“Why are you avoiding my eyes?” Kaz asked without a drop of hesitation. Inej had known he would be able to tell her mind was elsewhere, she knew somewhere deep down that she had no reason to hide her nerves from him, either. The side that won out was the one that said “Kaz doesn’t need to see this”, though. If Inej looked closely, she could see “The Menagerie” stamped all over her cowardice. She had gotten used to stressing alone. She’d gotten used to hiding any sign of distress without even trying. This was different, so different, yet somehow her fearful instincts had kicked in. Inej wanted to collapse in his arms and she also wanted to make a run for the window and the fresh air it promised beyond.

 

“I’m not.” Inej grumbled as she moved to turn away. Kaz side stepped her and was before her once again.

 

She hated that he knew her so well. She loved that he knew her so well. Damn it all.

 

“You are. You won’t even look up. What is it, love?” Kaz was being gentle. He’d called her love; he knew exactly what that did to her.

 

Inej focused her eyes on the floorboards and took a steeling breath. She imagined ripping every piece of cowardice out of her chest, like performing an astral operation. Kaz deserved to hear her truth. How many times had she asked the same of him? How often had she been hurt when he’d shut down on her? She could not do the same, Inej had to hold herself to the same standard at which she held him accountable.

 

Inej looked up and she saw nothing but patience in Kaz’s eyes. It was something she knew was difficult for him, he wasn’t a patient man with almost anything. He’d always been patient with her, though. It made her shoulders loosen and she felt some give return to her hardened chest.

 

“I… I’m nervous.” Inej managed through an internal fist fight with her vocal chords.

 

“Because you’re seeing them again for the first time or because you’re introducing me to them?” Kaz asked as he brushed a piece of hair behind her ear. It sent a jolt of electricity through her stomach. The past few days, they’d scarcely been in the same room together except when they’d slept. It was strange to her that the gesture made her realize she’d missed him. It was ridiculous, how could she survive sea voyages for months without him, but a few days when they still shared the same bed seemed like an eternity.

 

Inej hadn’t considered that Kaz would think she was nervous to introduce him to her family. She had no nerves regarding Kaz meeting her family, her parents accepted him and that was all that mattered to Inej. She didn’t think her family would have any problem with him, either. That wasn’t how her culture worked, if Inej’s spirit had chosen him, they would too. That was that. Granted, she already anticipated the whispers of her cousins, but that was to be expected. Kaz was attractive by all counts, it wasn’t anything she hadn’t already heard in the barrel.

 

“I’m nervous to introduce them to me again. I haven’t a single worry about them meeting you.” Inej answered, hoping the genuineness of her statement showed clearly in her eyes. Inej saw something like surprise manifest in Kaz’s expression but he smoothed it out quickly.

 

“They will love you all the same, Inej. You are stronger for what you’ve endured, if you were able to see that about yourself, they will too.” Kaz answered, his voice was filled with an unwavering confidence that Inej wanted to lean into.

 

“I know… I just… I just hope that the caravans aren’t tainted for me. That’s all.” Inej sighed and moved closer to him and wrapped her arms around his waist. Kaz didn’t hesitate as he brought his arms up around her shoulders. She felt his chin rest on top of her head.

 

Inej hadn’t realized how much she had needed to lean on him. To feel his warmth and his strong frame braced around her. She felt a little better, if she was candid. A hug could do that to a person.

 

“How many good memories do you have of the caravans, of your family?” Kaz whispered down to her. She felt the reverberations of his voice in his chest as she burrowed as close as she could get.

 

“Many. Thousands.” Inej answered simply.

 

“One against thousands, then. Seems like the odds are in the favor of good memories winning out. Believe me, I’m better at reading the odds on a gamble than Jesper.” Kaz answered. Inej couldn’t help the chuckle that built in her throat, she clung to him harder. He didn’t seem to mind.

 

“You may have a point.” Inej mumbled against his shirt.

 

“I always have a point; you just need to listen more.” Kaz jested and Inej took the opportunity to poke him in the side. It earned her a false “ow” from above her.

 

“We’ll get through it, together.” Kaz whispered to her now, Inej let the rasp of his voice wrap around her fear-stricken heart.

 

If Kaz believed in this trip, with his scheming mind, so could she.

 

KAZ

 

            “How cold is it in Ravka in the winter? We’ll be near the coast won’t we?” Kaz rasped to Inej who was now lounging on his bed belly down. Her feet kicked up in the air and crossed at the ankle as she watched him pull through his clothes. She’d rolled the sleeves of his shirt she was wearing up to her bronze elbows and her chin rested on her hand. Kaz wished he could tuck the image of her just as she was now away in a safe.

 

            “Remember Nina’s fake kefta? The real ones are double the thickness.” Inej chuckled in response and Kaz rolled his eyes. Of course he knew what real keftas looked like. He just needed to know if he was packing for closer to Fjerdan weather or Kerch weather in the winter time. He’d never been to Ravka. He told Inej as much and she flicked her wrist in a gesture to his heavier jacket.

 

            “It’s closer to Kerch weather where we’ll be. Outside of Os Kervo, give or take a few hours in any direction depending where the caravans decided to rest for the winter. They may move once or twice during the season but normally we select one location to wait for the cold to pass,” Inej explained as she began unbraiding her hair. “I think you should bring both jackets, the heavier one for the ship. The wind bites, if you remember it from the ferolind when we approached Fjerda. The lighter one will be fine in Os Kervo and outside of it, it’s still heavy enough to keep that heart of yours from freezing on me.” Inej smirked and Kaz took up a bundle of socks from his drawer and threw it at her.

 

            “Oh no! Socks. What shall I do?” Inej mumbled sarcastically and Kaz turned back to his task with a private smile to himself.

 

            Kaz felt the socks hit him in the shoulder blades.

 

            So, that is how it is. Fine, Wraith.

 

Kaz turned and picked up the bundle and tossed them back in the drawer before crossing the room to Inej.

 

“That was uncalled for, I only threw them because I was defending myself.” Kaz quipped and Inej looked up at him with a wicked little smile.

 

Oh no.

 

“And what are you going to do about it?” Inej asked, false innocence lining each syllable. She straightened herself up on the bed, now she was kneeling before him and closer to looking him eye to eye than if she’d been standing. Her eyes shined in challenge.

 

Damn her. He wanted to do everything about it. He was going to kiss her if she wasn’t careful. Actually, he was going to do it anyways.

 

Kaz was suddenly very pleased with the prospect of being on a ship with Inej for an entire week with nowhere else to be, no work to do and nothing to keep him from her.

 

“This.” Kaz rasped as he tilted her chin up to him with a pale finger. Inej was smiling as his lips touched hers and he felt her hands come up to his sides. Kaz broke away after only a moment, just as Inej was inching closer to the edge of the bed.

 

Inej frowned as he straightened himself.

 

“That is unfair punishment for sock-throwing.” Inej complained and he noted a brilliant flush on her collarbones.

 

“You asked what I’d do about it. I showed you.” Kaz quipped back. He was loathed to admit that pulling away perhaps punished him more than her. He could kiss her now; it was still a fucking miracle as far as he was concerned.

 

Every single kiss from Inej was a treasure he’d never part with.

 

Inej rolled her eyes and lowered herself back to the bed.

 

It took Kaz another bell entirely to finish packing. Inej had offered to help but she was helpless in folding a tie properly. Kaz did not like folding his suits. He made himself a promise that he’d find a launders and have them pressed for wrinkles in Os Kervo before he met Inej’s extended family. Kaz was pleased to know Inej was not nervous about him joining her, or meeting her people. But, he was somewhat unnerved. Not as unnerved as he’d been to meet her parents, but there was still a slight unease in his gut as he latched his bag shut, packed full of his clothes, hygiene products, cologne, several novels, and a deck of cards.

 

Kaz was also completely rattled by the fact he had no work to think about. There was no job that needed his planning. No Dregs that needed organizing. No numbers to look over.

 

 Though, he’d go to Ravka prepared still. He had brought a portfolio of all of his findings on Pekka Rollins holdings and any movements his stocks had made in the market. He figured he’d have some time to analyze them for Rollin’s future demise. He also packed a folder on Tante Heleen, but that was a surprise for Inej. He had slipped the folios into his bag while she’d been in the bathroom; he’d give her that gift on this trip. He’d also start planning with her for their next moves regarding Kane De Vries and her plans for her next voyage, a month after they returned she would be setting off on the sea again.

 

Kaz couldn’t bring himself to think about that now, he felt warmth in his chest at the prospect of two more months with her, one of which would be completely uninterrupted by work. He didn’t know what he’d done to earn it. He would gladly accept it.

 

The leather bag was ready and Kaz moved it to rest beside Inej’s long since packed bag by the window. Kaz turned to look at Inej, who he found sound asleep. A coin laid on the pillow beside her, she’d been quiet in her practice and must have dozed off. Kaz smiled to himself as he moved and plucked the coin up from the pillow and bumped it over his own knuckles.

 

Inej had a small smile on her face, as if dreaming something wonderful. Her lithe frame was covered in his sheets but he noted a shiver in her otherwise deep breathing. Kaz walked to the trunk and took out the spare blanket that he’d used before they could sleep beside each other under the covers. He preferred to be taking it out for this reason. Kaz brought the blanket to the bed and draped it gently over her sleeping form.

 

“Kaz,” Inej mumbled, but her eyes didn’t open. Kaz wasn’t sure if she was talking in her sleep or if he’d disturbed her with the weight of the blanket.

 

“Yes?” He whispered.

 

“I love you so fucking much.” Inej sighed and pulled the covers closer to herself as she rolled over.

 

His breath hitched. He heard a soft snore from Inej. She hadn’t been awake.

 

Kaz didn’t think he was the wonderful thing she dreamt of, but nothing could have stopped him from quickly changing his clothes, brushing his teeth, and slipping into bed beside her, despite the relatively early hour.

 

Kaz put an arm around her gently, so as not to wake her. In her sleep, she moved closer and pushed herself into his side.

 

Kaz didn’t fall sleep for a long while; instead, he ran his fingers through the ends of her unbound hair and contemplated the trip ahead of them. He also ran through the list of things he’d done to prepare the Dregs for his absence, making sure he hadn’t missed anything.

 

Just as Kaz began to fall asleep, Inej’s head on his chest, she mumbled in her sleep once more. It was one word on a deep inhale of breath.

 

“Home.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            “Do not do anything stupid while we’re away. Also, do not fornicate with that pretty raven. She’s bad news.” Inej mused to Kaz Pecker who cawed on the windowsill. Kaz saw copious amounts of bread crumbs marring the snow on the ledge beside his wraith and the bird.

 

The morning light marked it as about six bells. They needed to head to the ship. Kaz was pleased that with the cold and the early hour, the docks would be all but abandoned, save for those boarding the same ship as themselves.

 

            “Darling, please let the bird do whatever he pleases. Perhaps the raven has a gift for flying higher than himself.” Kaz quipped as he plucked up his time piece and slipped it into his coat pocket. Inej rolled her eyes but he heard a small laugh escape her lips.

 

            “I wish I could have someone feed them.” Inej mumbled as she spared a parting smile for her favorite crow.

 

            “It will teach them resilience without us. They may even learn to be actual scavengers as crows should be.” Kaz responded but he walked over to the window and sent a glare in Kaz Pecker’s direction. He extended a hand to Inej and helped her down from the window ledge. She did not need the help but he found himself doing it anyways. Kaz reached around her and fastened both locks on the window, they would be difficult to pick and near impossible to break if someone tried to enter while he was away. It was odd, while Inej was in town, he never locked the window. In fact, he almost exclusively left it unlocked in case she returned.

 

            A few moments later, they’d both put on their coats and Kaz had put his gloves on. Kaz made to leave the attic but he turned back to see Inej hadn’t moved and there was a strange look on her face. Her bag was draped over her shoulder.

 

            “What is it, Wraith?” Kaz rasped.

 

            “I… I should be going the other way, shouldn’t I? It’s six bells in the morning and I’m leaving from your room. Don’t you think if Dirix or any of the others see me… that might form an idea that I was here all last night?” Inej mused.

 

            Oh. Kaz had actually thought of that. He’d already been downstairs, the only people awake in the house were Anika and Roeder. Everyone else was asleep or still at the Club, restocking during the hours after closing at four bells this morning.

 

            “Already thought of it, we’re clear. If somehow I missed anyone, just mention you came through already and only came up to the attic to make sure I had a copy of our ship manifest packed. No one would even think as to why they hadn’t heard you come in. No one hears you, Inej.” Kaz responded easily and Inej nodded and followed him out of the attic.

 

            Kaz was poised to begin locking the door with his key but Inej stepped in between himself and the locks.

 

            “I’ve never gotten to use it before.” Inej whispered softly and Kaz quirked his head before he noticed the key in her hand.

 

            Inej wanted to use her own key to lock the door to their attic. It sent a rumble of wings through his stomach.

 

            It felt like a milestone, somehow. Inej was using her own key for their private space that no one else was permitted to.

 

            Half a bell later, Inej and Kaz were standing on the docks, her parents had just bid their goodbyes to Jesper and Wylan with many thank yous and a promise to return within the year to visit Ketterdam again. The morning was cloudy, chill biting through the air with smashing teeth. Kaz had been pleased to learn that the tourist vessel they were sailing on had only sold out to less than half capacity for a return trip to Ravka. All of the other passengers seemed to be Ravkans returning home after an excursion to Kerch. Only one or two of the other twenty or so passengers seemed to be kerch dwellers. It brought peace to Kaz to know that he wouldn’t have to worry so much about keeping his distance from Inej or the Ghafa’s while aboard the vessel known as “The Tsarita’s Diamond”, there was no one aboard who would be looking for him or taking glances at his personal life to use against him.

 

            “We’ll miss you,” Wylan mumbled as he hugged Inej, his freckled nose was bright red from the cold.

           

            “Do everything I would do, and maybe some things I wouldn’t,” Jesper said as he squeezed Inej in a hug of his own, his wool jacket was a navy blue, the closest Jesper ever seemed to come to Kaz’s personal favorite color- black.

 

            “It’s only a month this time. I’ll see you both again soon.” Inej pulled away from the two boys with a bright smile.

 

            “Please don’t push Kaz off the ship when he undoubtedly gets on your nerves.” Jesper chuckled and Inej laughed alongside him. Kaz rolled his eyes.

 

            “No mourners, Kaz.” Wylan smiled.

 

            “No funerals. Keep Jesper in line.” Kaz said simply though a small smile broke free on his lips. Jesper sighed but his sterling eyes glinted with laughter.  

 

            “I’ll keep the Club going strong, I promise.” Jesper said with an extended hand. Kaz took his and shook it with a sharp nod. He noticed surprise register on Jesper’s face, clearly the zemini hadn’t expected Kaz’s belief in him.

 

            Kaz did believe in Jesper, Kaz knew he could do it. Kaz also knew Wylan would keep Jesper from entering the ground floor of the Crow Club, near the gaming tables. Anika would send the numbers to the mansion for Jesper as well, all the most trusted Dregs knew Jesper was not allowed on the floor of the Club, nor was he allowed at any game. If something was needed on the floor, Wylan or Anika were to be sent in Jesper’s stead.

 

            Jesper would do well, Kaz felt it in his bones. He believed in his chosen brother as much as he would have believed in Jordie.

 

            Only minutes later, Kaz and Inej were standing at the rail of the ship as it pulled out of its berth to begin the journey to Ravka. Kaz reached for Inej’s hand and her fingers interlaced with his. The wind was blowing her hair out of its braid and Kaz reached up with his free hand to tuck a rogue strand behind her ear; it was then that he realized.

 

            Kaz had taken a glove off once he and Inej had made it to the docks in order to do this very same motion, out of sight from others. He had forgotten to put it back on. Jesper’s surprise made sense now.

 

            Kaz Brekker had touched Jesper Fahey, bare handed. Kaz hadn’t even noticed.

 

            Kaz had been held captive by ghostly jailors within his own skin for an eternity. Today, Kaz saw the lock on his cell beginning to rust. It would break, that much was clear.

           

 

 

 

 

            Kaz Rietveld was sailing to Ravka with Inej Ghafa. The titles they bore had not been packed for this journey.  

 

           

 

           

 

 

 

 

Chapter 51: A Confession

Summary:

A confession from Inej.

Notes:

Chapter 51! (Kind of)

This one is kind of a bonus chapter, but not. Its still important, but a tad shorter. So it's a interlude chapter, if you will. There will be about 2-3 of these before we really kick off chapter 3. But theres a scene in this I've been waiting to write for some time now, I hope you guys love it!

I'm so excited for what's to come. I hope you all are too!

Thanks a million and drop me a comment with your thoughts/feelings!

INEJ

 

            Her parents had retired to their own cabin on the ship soon after they’d boarded, Mama had a migraine and Inej had insisted they go ahead and rest, there was a whole week aboard, plenty of time to spend together before they arrived in Os Kervo. Inej had picked up the keys to their own cabin from the ship’s tourist staff and she made her way back to Kaz who was still standing at the rail of the ship, watching the Kerch coastline from several leagues away now. The deck of the ship was all but abandoned, snow was beginning to flutter softly from the sky and it seemed everyone wanted to wait out the cold from the warmth of the belly of the ship.

 

            “Are you well?” Inej whispered as she came to stand beside Kaz. She realized she had not asked him how he was feeling about this journey, as far as she knew, ships were alright for Kaz, despite being on the water. He hadn’t seemed put off by it on the ferolind from what she recalled of the journey to Fjerda almost a year and a half prior. Kaz was quiet for a long moment and she saw him turn his eyes to the sky, a rogue snowflake caught in his dark eyelashes.

 

            He nodded slowly, “I am. It’s just… strange.” Kaz rasped quietly. He sounded far away, as if he wasn’t aware he was speaking at all.

 

            “What is?” Inej asked and she placed her hand palm up on the rail between them, if he wanted her, she was here. A moment passed but then his hand was in hers, a pale finger tracing circles on the back of her hand.

 

            “I’ve never gone anywhere just to go, just to see something new. To meet people. It’s strange that there is no plan to make, no job to complete. It’s… new.” Kaz whispered and she noticed that he’d leaned his cane against the ship, using the rail for his balance instead.

 

            “Is it a pleasant strange or unnerving strange?” Inej questioned.

 

            “Both.” Kaz answered, she understood. Kaz had never had family to go visit, never had a place to go to relax, never let himself slow down long enough to find one. Inej decided then that this was good for him, as much as it was for her. Kaz hadn’t let himself slow down for more than enough time to sleep and eat, spare a few hours here and there, in the past decade of his life.

 

            “Let’s go inside?” Inej asked now. She knew Kaz was trailing deeper into his mind, she had begun to recognize it and she wanted him to stay present, here with her instead.

 

            Kaz had no reason to scheme now, she intended to remind him of it. Kaz had earned the break, even if he didn’t see it. She imagined his mind a machine, it would break if he didn’t let it slow for maintenance eventually.

 

            Kaz nodded and she sensed he had to drag his eyes away from the Ketterdam skyline in the distance.

 

            A few minutes later, Inej unlocked the door to their cabin, it was not what she expected. Inej hadn’t expected luxury; there was a small bed, still larger than the one on her own ship, the rooms walls were a rich mahogany with small sconces lining the room for candles. A black metal stove was in the corner. Two wing back chairs sat before the stove with a small tea table of the same shiny wood as the walls between them. There was a dresser with spare candles and towels rolled on top of it for the wash basin that was in a small alcove to her right.

 

            Inej had let Kaz make arrangements for the room aboard the ship. He did not spare expense.

 

            “Kaz.” Inej felt the word come out dry in her mouth.

 

            There were geraniums in a vase on the bedside table beneath the port hole window. Kaz must have requested them of the ship staff.

 

            “Yes?” Kaz moved around her frozen form in the doorway and into the room. He set his bag down and turned to her, she saw a slight tilt of his lips. He’d wanted to surprise her. She had imagined a closet room in the basement of the ship with a cot, it’s what she would have booked.

 

            “It’s beautiful, but my parents, we should give this to them-” Inej was cut off by the raise of one of his pale hands.

 

            “They have the room four doors down. The staff showed them to their upgraded cabin as soon as they came inside. I thought you’d want them close by and I wanted them to know I… I appreciate that I was invited to come along to Ravka as well.” Kaz finished and she noticed the downward turn of his eyes. Admitting things like this was like running a marathon for Kaz, he was not used to being open about his desire to impress her parents. Inej’s chest warmed instantly.

 

            He thinks of everything before I even have a chance. How does he do it?

 

            Inej dropped her bag, walked to him, and pulled the most ridiculous and scheming man she’d ever met into a hug. She gripped him tightly, this was the man she’d always seen glimpses of, and now he showed her this side without hesitation.

 

            Her spirit had made no error in choosing Kaz. A part of her had always known. She’d seen him drop kruge to homeless children once, placing the coins in their tin cups when they weren’t looking. She understood now. This was who Kaz was underneath the legend of ‘Dirtyhands’. Generous to a fault, kind. Rietveld.

 

            “If I’d known spending copious amounts of kruge worked to impress you, I would have started sooner, mera nadra.” Kaz whispered into her hair.

 

            “Oh stop. You know damn well that’s not what this is about.” Inej mumbled and he pulled her closer.

 

            “I do love this, Inej, but I’d like to close the door. I don’t think the ships staff needs to be invited to our cabin for cuddling.” Kaz quipped and Inej laughed as she reluctantly let him go.

 

            A few hours passed, Inej had watched as Kaz had meticulously unpacked his suits into the dresser, grimacing the entire time at the lack of hangers. Inej knew Kaz’s pride showed in how he held himself, but also how he dressed. She did not think he dressed in suits only to mock merchers. Perhaps, it had started that way, but she knew he’d grown into it being his own choice in fashion. It was in the way he had them all tailored perfectly, the crow cufflinks. The ties that had his initials threaded into the onyx satin on the back side of them, where no one would know the stitching was there but him, and now, she supposed, herself. Inej had dozed back to sleep on the bed as she watched his meditation of refolding his shirts into the drawer to keep them from wrinkling too much before their arrival in Ravka. It was still early in the morning and Inej felt the waves of the ship rock her into a deep sleep, it was something so familiar to her now from her months on the True Sea.

 

            Her last thought before she drifted off was of how Kaz had unpacked her things right alongside his, not bothering to ask. She loved him for it.

 

KAZ

 

            “How long did I sleep?” Inej sat up in the bed and he turned from his spot in the chair. He’d been busy organizing the file he had on Pekka Rollins, using the tea table as a makeshift desk. He’d lit the candles around the room and lit the stove as well to warn away the cold from the draft of the ship. There was dim snowy light from the porthole but the sky was a deep gray. Kaz didn’t mind, it made the room comfortable, warm.

 

            “Two, no, three bells.” Kaz answered her before he turned back to the file before him. A moment later, a bronze hand wrapped down from the back of the chair, he felt her lips press a kiss to his hair. It was new, enjoyable. Kaz tilted his head back to see Inej staring down at his file, for a moment, he thought she might be upset that it was what he’d chosen to do, but then he saw a small smile break on her lips when she saw Pekka’s name. He didn’t understand. Her smile seemed hesitant.

 

            “I have to admit something to you.” Inej pulled away slightly now and she dropped her arm from its place on his shoulder. Kaz stood to face her and she kept a foot of distance between them. Inej looked like she was nervous, he didn’t know why. She had said she needed to admit something, but Kaz couldn’t begin to guess what she would need to divulge.

 

            “Yes, Wraith?” Kaz rasped. He didn’t know what the tightness in his chest was, it was a new and very uncomfortable feeling. He was anxious. That’s what it was.

 

            “I think I might be the reason why Pekka Rollins didn’t return to Ketterdam.” Inej whispered, he noticed her hands twisted together, just once, in front of her before she rolled her shoulders back.

 

            Inej was bracing herself as if to fight. With him. Kaz did not like that, not one bit. He wanted her close again, but when he stepped forward, she stepped back. Kaz didn’t want to see it happen again.

 

            “Why would he have stayed away because of you?” Kaz asked. He racked his brain of the last time he’d seen Pekka, the day of the auction. Inej had been there but it had been him who threatened Pekka’s child, not Inej. Kaz did not know why Pekka would have run from Inej, even if she was the wraith, she did not threaten him more than Kaz himself that day.

 

            “After… after you gave me the ship, and brought my parents to me… I was angry. I was so angry with him for what he’d done to you and your brother. I didn’t know then what his involvement had been, but I hated him for what he’d done to hurt you.” Inej stumbled over the words and she brushed her hair behind her ear, the only sign of nervousness she let slip in her now sharper than usual posture.

 

            “I went to his farmhouse. I ambushed him in his bed and I cut his chest open, not enough to kill him, just enough to make him bleed. I told him to stay away or he’d have both of us to deal with,” Inej paused and her eyes met his, shining in defiance and steeled in the confidence of her past decision. “I wanted him to know I was serious. I… I replaced the stuffed lion in his son’s bed with a toy crow. The boy didn’t even notice I’d made the switch and slept with it easily. I’m sure Pekka got the message.” Inej finished with the upturn of her chin. She was ready for Kaz’s wrath. He felt nothing of the sort.

 

            Inej. Inej had replaced the toy lion with a crow. It was fucking brilliant. He’d never…. Inej had given him a run for his money on the monster scale. Wicked, devious Wraith.

 

            Pekka was so scared of Inej that he’d ran and never looked back. Inej had been so angry that he had been hurt that she’d tracked Pekka down and diced him up, but left him alive. She did not take Kaz’s vengeance away. She only amplified the fear Pekka would feel until Kaz destroyed him entirely, Pekka would bleed fear before blood.

 

            It made it all that more appealing to let Pekka Rollins sweat until he thought he was safe.

 

            Kaz let out a disbelieving laugh, he was beside himself in amusement. He was so fucking in love with her that he thought he might just let Inej scare his enemies from now on. She clearly had a knack for it.

 

            “Why are you laughing?” Inej asked hesitantly, her head quirked. She was confused, he saw it all over her face but he was laughing too much. He could hardly breathe.

 

            “I- I- You’re perfect.” Kaz managed in between chuckles, his skin felt warm. It was perhaps the hardest he’d ever laughed. Inej slipping a toy crow under a sleeping kaelish boy’s arm was priceless. He hoped she carved obscene things into Pekka Rollins chest. It made him laugh harder.

 

            Inej was smiling now, her eyes bright in amusement at his laughing fit.

 

            “I thought you might be angry. In fact, I wondered if it would make you reconsider… this.” Inej gestured with her hand between the two of them.

 

            Ridiculous, violent, beautiful woman. Never. He’d never reconsider this. Her act of horrifying Pekka Rollins only solidified it more. He needed her to know.

 

            “Inej. Please continue to be violent and terrifying in the face of my enemies. Nothing brings me more joy.” Kaz managed after he swallowed down his laughter with some force.

 

            “You aren’t upset that I ran him out of Ketterdam?” Inej asked, disbelief lacing her voice.

 

            “No. No it only will heighten the delight I will feel when I completely destroy him when he’s not expecting it. When we completely destroy him.” Kaz said honestly.

 

            “Is that why you kept it from me, because you thought I’d leave?” Kaz asked now, willing something akin to softness into his voice. He wasn’t sure if it worked, but he tried.

 

            Inej nodded almost imperceptibly.

 

            No. That wouldn’t do. All he wanted her to know is that leaving her wasn’t an option in his mind or heart any longer, no matter the battle they were facing.

 

Whether it be their demons, enemies or death. It didn’t matter. Inej was his avri. His spirit’s equal. His Wraith. His sea. His everything.

           

            When he stepped forward now, Inej did not back away. Her eyes met his. There was only one way to convey what he felt now, words couldn’t do it. Every barrier shattered, he moved to her. His lips captured hers, she gasped once against his lips and melted into his embrace, arms wrapping around him.

 

He’d have to find out how to make her gasp like that more often, someday. It was a noise he’d prefer to hear every night. He vowed that he would get there, they would get there.

 

            The kiss that followed was one that left him breathless, broken, then repaired. It was a kiss of life. That kiss was the fresh air outside of Ketterdam and the promise of something more waiting for him on the horizon.

 

Chapter 52: If I Were An Artist

Summary:

A game of truths, long overdue.

Notes:

Chapter 52!!!

Ahhhhhhh. Okay. This has some really special things in it, and thats all I'll say. It's another "interlude" chapter, but we are getting ready for the real opening of "season 3"!!! Anyways, I hope you all love it.

Thank you. I hope you all know how much I appreciate every read and piece of support for this story. Seriously.

Drop me a comment and let me know what you think/feel! I'll be responding to everyone asap, I love talking with you all!

"You are the Reason" Cover by Emma Heesters. This is a super popular song, but this cover specifically fit so well in my head, especially toward the end with Inej's answer to Kaz. You'll get it.

KAZ

 

            “So you’re telling me, if I win, I get to ask anything I want and you have to answer honestly, but I have to do the same if you win?” Kaz asked as Inej nodded from across from him. He didn’t know how it had happened, they’d had dinner in her parent’s room and Inej had brought back a second bottle of kvas that was now sitting between them on the floor of their cabin. The stove was running and the candles cast the room in a warm glow from their sconces on the walls. They’d already drank a bottle with her parents, the liquor had made Inej rupture with the idea of a game of truths.

 

            Kaz wasn’t sure he liked it, but he supposed he could do it. Inej was the only person he’d tell anything to. The kvas had left him warm, slightly buzzed and perfectly content to appease Inej in whatever she wished. There was nowhere else he’d rather be, nowhere else he had to be.

 

Inej was holding his deck of cards, the game she’d proposed was simple. Whoever made a pair first laid them down face up, the cards had to match in number only. The opponent had the chance to draw a card and either match the pair or beat it. If you could not beat it, the winner got to ask a question. A pair of aces resulted in a free question. You could pass, but only if you took a full drink of the kvas. Kaz knew that both he and Inej were stubborn to a fault, he doubted they’d pass.

 

“Fine.” Kaz rolled his eyes but he knew Inej could see through it based on her smug smile as she set the deck down before them. He’d already shuffled it for her when she asked. She had adamantly refused to try and learn to shuffle while buzzed, something about “cards will fly everywhere, I’m hazy and on a ship.” Kaz had relented and done the task himself.

 

“Draw.” Inej said and she picked up two cards for herself, it would serve as their starting hand. Kaz drew and found he had one ace, he’d hold onto it. They took turns drawing twice more before Inej laid down a pair of threes. Kaz had something to beat it, but he elected to hold onto it. It was a pair of jacks and he intended to think of a good question to use them for. Kaz shook his head when Inej looked at him expectantly. She made a show of moving the pair to a new discard pile, smugness written over her face. Kaz liked it. Inej had told him she had favorite expressions of his, maybe smug was his second or third favorite of hers.

 

“What shall I ask?” Inej tilted her head up to the ceiling in thought. Kaz would be patient for her interrogation.

 

“I have one. What is your most ridiculous fear?” Inej smiled. Kaz pondered her question for a moment, he had very few real fears. Water. His brother’s ghost. Skin. Disappointing her. A ridiculous one though? He racked his brain for an answer. He remembered one thing from his childhood that still made his skin crawl.

 

“Centipedes. I found them under a log when I was seven, out on the farm. I had nightmares for a week about thousands of legs. Jordie threatened to catch one and put it under my pillow.” Kaz chuckled and Inej laughed alongside him.

 

“I won’t threaten you with obscenely legged insects, mera chaar.” Inej mumbled before drawing a card.

 

They continued, he now had a pair of eights. Kaz laid them down and Inej made a face of false dismay before making a gesture of her bronze wrist to ask what he wished. Kaz thought for a moment as he leaned his back against the bed. Inej was across from him and staring him down in wait for her own truth.

 

“What is your favorite color?” Kaz had always wondered, genuinely. Inej wore black as much as he, but he didn’t know if her favorite color was that of geraniums, orange like Jesper, Blue like Wylan. She’d never given away this small thing about herself, with most people you could figure it out easily. Never with Inej. It seemed a ridiculous truth to ask for, but he didn’t care.

 

Inej paused her organizing of her cards. She didn’t seem to think it a poor choice in question, she was genuinely considering her answer. A long moment passed before Inej’s eyes flicked to his face.

 

“It used to be purple. After the Menagerie, and those ugly false silks, it wasn’t anymore. Now it is gold.” Inej answered and he saw her eyes tracing his face. He didn’t know why the admission felt like more than it was.

 

“Why?” Kaz asked, he couldn’t stop himself.

 

“One truth. Only.” Inej quipped back. Kaz released a heavy sigh, he should have considered Inej’s game more closely to see if there was room for explanations. He’d find out yet, he decided.

 

“Read them and weep, Brekker. A pair of tens.” Inej crossed her legs under herself with a smile.

 

He’d use his jacks now.

 

“Jacks. I won’t weep.” Kaz jested as he threw his own pair down. Now he got the question and Inej huffed as she slid the cards into discard.

 

“Why is gold your favorite?” He didn’t even consider another question. He wanted to know why Inej had held on tightly to her explanation.

 

Inej looked to the ground but a smile danced across her features. She took a swig of kvas.

 

“You’re passing?” Kaz gaped. It seemed like a simple truth. He couldn’t believe it.

 

“No, bad timing of the drink. It was for courage. My favorite color is gold because your eyes look gold in the sun. Like too strong tea with honey.” Inej whispered, she was already picking up another card.

 

Inej had held fast to her answer because it was an admittance of how much time she’d looked to his eyes. Kaz could easily say to hell with the game and kiss her instead. He wouldn’t, but he added it to his growing list of things he’d like to do before he slept. They all involved Inej.

 

“Nines.” Inej dropped a pair down after several more draws. Kaz had thought of multiple questions, but now Inej was putting him under the heat. He couldn’t beat her currently so he waited for her question, taking a sip from the bottle of kvas.

 

“Was there anyone before me?” Inej asked softly. She avoided his eyes.

 

Oh. Oh, that question. He supposed they would have this conversation eventually but he hadn’t really thought of an answer. Inej knew he’d been with no one prior to her, but that wasn’t what she was asking, was it? She wanted to know of his feelings, if there’d been anyone who he’d wanted to be with, even if he couldn’t. There was only one person that came to mind, but it hardly counted. He’d gotten over it quickly. He’d tell her anyways, Inej wanted truth.

 

“One, but when I say it hardly counts, I mean it. I was fourteen, her name was Imogen. I tried… I tried to take off the gloves when I realized she was interested in me. It didn’t work. I let my glares tell her I was not interested, even if I had been. Before that? No one. Obviously, I’m not completely obtuse. I recognize an attractive person, but I’d never had feelings for anyone else. Except childhood crushes, but it hardly matters.” Kaz answered in the long handed truth. Inej was smiling.

 

“I’m special then.” Inej mumbled with a smug smirk.

 

“The exception.” Kaz corrected. His comment fueled the blush on her cheeks.

 

Inej was his permanent exception.

 

“Sixes.” Kaz laid down his pair after only one draw. He had aces, but he’d save them. Inej chuckled as she looked at her hand, clearly she had nothing to beat his pair. She gestured for him to ask.

 

“What about you? Anyone?” Kaz couldn’t stop wondering now, he wanted to ask her same question. Had Inej been interested in anyone besides himself while in the Dregs? Had she had someone she was interested in before she was captured and brought to Ketterdam?

 

Inej pondered for a moment, her lip between her teeth in concentration. That was his second favorite Inej expression. He was definitely buzzed.

 

Added to the list, bite that lip himself.

 

“I had a childhood crush, Khalid. He was my best friend before I was taken. I suppose we will see him in Ravka. It never would have worked between us though, I figured that out by the time I was nine.” Inej laughed and Kaz tilted his head. He had never considered Inej’s friends as well as her family before she was taken, he felt dim for not asking about it previously. He also wondered if this Khalid had been as interested in Inej as she was in him. He didn’t like being territorial, but he was. He could admit it, now. Running a gang that defended turf lines with blood could do that to a man.

 

“I saw that look. Let’s just say you’re more his type than I am.” Inej added with a chuckle. Kaz was confused for a moment and then he understood.

 

Oh. No, he supposed it wouldn’t have worked between Inej and Khalid.

 

“He also is married to my cousin Rahul now, according to my parents. Khalid and Rahul are two years older than I am, so it makes sense considering they’ve been in love since they were twelve. I can’t wait to see them.” Inej finished and Kaz felt his chest warm, Inej was beginning to be excited, he wanted that for her.

 

“No one else?” Kaz asked.

 

“I thought Jesper was handsome for about ten minutes and then realized he was a hopeless flirt with everyone. It died very, very, quickly, quicker than I unpacked my things in the Slat. I owned exactly four things so you can imagine how long that took me. He’s like my brother. Never tell him, his head will fall off his shoulders. It will be too heavy with his ego.” Inej laughed and Kaz couldn’t hold back his own laughter.

 

Ah, Jes. Everyone who crossed his path was a target for flirtation before the sharpshooter met Wylan.

 

They continued, Inej laid down a pair of fives.

 

Kaz held fast to his aces, he also had a pair of twos, but that wouldn’t help him here.

 

            “When did you decide to try… to try again for me?” Inej whispered. Kaz felt his chest tighten. He hadn’t expected the question, his insides railed for him to just drink and pass the moment. He had an answer, he didn’t know the moment when he’d begun to fall in love with Inej, but for this, it was one moment. There was a distinct moment when Kaz decided he would not wear his gloves to his meeting with Inej on the docks, the day he gave her the ship and reunited her with her parents.

 

            Kaz tamped down his instincts to shut down, the kvas aided his efforts. Inej deserved to know if this was a truth that mattered to her. He knew it was. He took a deep breath and made himself look her in the eye, she was waiting for him.

 

            “I saw your room at the Slat was empty when I went up the stairs after I dropped off payment to Wylan for the ship. I couldn’t let you leave Ketterdam without a reason to come back. It…” Kaz paused. It was like ripping off a protective layer of skin from his chest. He wanted to continue, anyways. Inej’s eyes encouraged him silently.

 

            “It made me want to live. It made me want to live, Inej.” Kaz found his voice buried deep in his chest. He never thought he’d be able to tell her. Somehow, he did.

 

            Inej was looking at him with a small smile on her lips. He didn’t have time to move forward before she was in front of him, her knees mangled the discard pile and she didn’t seem to care. She tilted his chin up to her and she kissed him, kissed him in a way that he was sure if they were any normal couple would result in him dragging them both up to the bed. He’d be patient for that day, he’d fight for that day. He’d have that day with her, they would both have that life with one another.

 

            She broke away and he wanted to pull her back to him, but he had aces.

 

            It was the only thing that let him keep hold of his resolve, his competitive nature and his want for one more truth.

 

            Kaz swallowed down his desire, he took a swig of kvas as Inej straightened the discard pile.

           

            “Aces.” Inej dropped her pair down.

 

            Damnit. Inej had the other aces. They both had a pair. Equals.

 

            “A question for a question then, Wraith.” Kaz dropped his own pair.

 

            Inej chuckled and he thought of what his question would be. He had wondered it for a long time now. He gestured for Inej to ask first.

 

            “Come with me, I need to decide on my question.” Inej stood up and offered him her hand. Kaz took it with raised brows etched in skepticism.

 

            “Where are we going?” Kaz asked.

 

            “Put on your coat. I want to show you something.” Inej was checking the sky out the porthole. It had cleared up, Kaz could tell. It was nearly eleven bells at night; the moon must be near full based on the beams haloing Inej’s head as she peeked through the window.

           

            Kaz did as instructed and he slipped on his gloves as well, it was for perhaps the first time he only did so to warn off the cold. He needed no leather on his hands with Inej anymore.

 

            A few minutes later, Inej was leading them down the hallway that would take them out onto the main deck of the ship. She paused before she opened the door and turned to him.

 

            “How much do you trust me?” Inej asked. Kaz tilted his head, he trusted Inej with his life. He didn’t know what she wanted but he felt nothing but curious.

 

            “Why do you ask?” He asked, he was still Kaz Brekker. He wouldn’t walk into anything that involved trust not knowing why the trust was needed.

 

            “I want you to close your eyes and let me lead you. It’s a surprise.” Inej whispered in the dim light of the hallway. Her eyes were shining so bright that he couldn’t help but agree to whatever she wanted to show him.

 

He was buzzed off kvas and drunk off Inej.

 

“Alright.” Kaz rasped and he closed his eyes as Inej took his hand, leaving his other free for his cane.

 

Kaz kept his eyes closed as they made their way across the deck, the ship barely swayed. The water was calm after the snow of the afternoon. Inej placed his hand on the rail of the ship and he heard her take a deep breath.

 

“Open your eyes.” Inej whispered.

 

Kaz opened his eyes and he understood.

 

The water was smooth, slight waves and nothing more. The full moon was reflected like a mirror in the glassy surface. There were so many stars, the reflection gave the impression that the ship was floating in a sea of nothing but starlight. The waves danced the reflection of the astral orbs back to the sky.

 

It was the moon and the sea, working in tandem to create something no artist would ever capture properly. It was a love story of untamable depth and brilliant lunar light.

 

It was the most beauty Kaz had ever seen, he’d thought there was no better view of the stars than of that found in the fields of the farm in Lij. He’d been wrong. This was the view Inej had told him about, the view of the stars that she and her father had spent years searching for.

 

“If I were an artist, I’d name it ‘Avri’s’.” Inej whispered from beside him, her tone threaded with awe at the glory before them. Kaz felt a shiver in his spine, it had nothing to do with the cold. It was warm, a shake of heat that moved through his body at lightning speed. Inej thought of him when she looked at these stars.

 

The stars surely shined like this just for her. It was all for the girl beside him, she who had always looked up to their majesty, even if no one else bothered.

 

“What were you going to say? When we were separating at the Ice Court? I stopped you but I always wondered what you had been about to say.” Inej whispered.

 

Kaz was surprised, he remembered that moment too. Inej had touched his face. All thoughts had left his mind and he’d struggled to keep hold of the nausea that he had felt. It was the first time he’d succeeded in not pulling away from physical touch, skin against skin. He’d been grounded in her eyes, her voice. He also remembered what he had been about to say. It wasn’t what he wanted, if he’d been able to tell her what he truly wanted, he would have kissed her. Words wouldn’t have been needed. But that wasn’t them, that hadn’t even been a remote possibility back then. It hadn’t been possible yet, for either of them. In the Ice Court, he never would have believed kissing Inej would be possible, ever. If only his past self could see him now.

 

            Past Kaz would have hated this newer version, but he would have been secretly envious. Kaz had just kissed Inej, deeply, only minutes ago.

 

            “I was going to tell you not to die. I would have broken the rule, I’d mourn you.” Kaz whispered and Inej’s eyes darted to his immediately, they looked as black as the sky with dots of starlight reflected back. Galaxies. “I’d have mourned your laugh, your strength. I wanted to tell you the world would be too dim without your light. Even creatures like me needed it to see clearly. The sun was worthless in comparison.” He finished, waxing poetic was not his strong suit but it was the saints-damned truth and he wanted her to know it.

 

            Kaz saw it then, the smile he’d have died to earn again. He still would. Nothing had changed, yet everything had in all the best ways possible.

 

“Your turn.” Inej whispered.

 

Kaz had one question. One question he’d always wanted to know the answer to. He’d never forgotten, and once, he thought he’d never get the answer. It had terrified him.

 

“What was I supposed to be sorry for?” Kaz asked, his voice shook slightly. He needed the answer, he didn’t want it. He needed… he needed to know if he could give her the apology she had wanted. There were a thousand things it could have been, but it had been so important to Inej that she’d asked for it as she bled out in his arms as he ran as fast as he could to the ferolind. He knew Inej understood when he meant, he took a glance and saw realization move across her features. It had surprised her.

 

“’You might be the best, Inej, but you aren’t the only spider crawling around the barrel.’ That’s what you said to me. It broke my heart, Kaz. It broke my heart because I had thought of leaving Ketterdam a thousand times, walking out on my indenture. But I couldn’t because…” She paused, eyes glassy. “Because you were there. I couldn’t do it to you, leave you with my indenture. I didn’t know why I couldn’t walk away, what kept me on that course. I just… I was so angry. I wanted an apology because if the last face I saw was yours, I was still happy. I didn’t want to be angry with you anymore. You were the boy who saved me, both that night and from the Menagerie.”

 

Kaz remembered the day he’d said it, when she’d walked out of the attic without another word. He’d known even then that he fucked up. He hadn’t known how it had affected her, what he’d done to her. He felt a crack in his chest, he had to make it right. Kaz hadn’t… it was an apology long overdue.

 

“Inej, I’m sorry. Mati en sheva yelu. You are anything but replaceable. I knew it then, and I should have… I should have been able to tell you so. I should have been… I should have been better, for you. Fuck, Inej, I should have done a lot of things.” Kaz didn’t know if it would be enough.

 

He didn’t know why Inej had stayed, for the Ice Court, for the auction, afterwards. Now.

 

“I forgive you.” Inej whispered.

 

Her words dug into his chest, the honesty of her forgiveness wrapping around the mangled scar tissue of his heart.

 

“Kiss me.” Inej asked.

 

Kaz didn’t hesitate.

 

 

 

 

 

As they walked toward the warmth of their cabin below decks, Kaz paused with a look back to the beauty Inej had chased on land and ship.

 

“If I were an artist, I’d call this ‘forgiveness.’” Kaz whispered to his sea.

Chapter 53: Don't You Dare Give Up

Summary:

A fight against demons.

Notes:

Chapter 53!!!

AH. Okay guys, this one is more angsty. This chapter, though, is very important and it felt like it needed to be shown. It ends very very positive though, so don't you fret! I just really wanted to show what a big speed bump looks like and how our favorite people deal with it (and their demons) (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?) Also, It's all Inej's perspective, hope you see why. Anyways, thank you a million times over and i hope you love this one, it's always hard to write hard situations when you love the characters so much, but i hope I did it justice.

Love you all and drop me a comment with your thoughts and feelings! I love hearing from you all.

"Run to You" by Lea Michele. It just fits. Like, please listen.

INEJ

 

            Kaz wasn’t in the bed. She awoke and saw moonlight shining from the porthole window, her hand reached to his side and she found the sheets were still warm, he couldn’t have been gone long. She sat up in the bed, rubbing sleep from her eyes as she scanned the cabin, she had assumed he went down the hall for the facilities. Then, she saw him. He was across the room by the door to the hallway, sitting on the ground. His back leaned against the wall and his knees were brought up to his chest. Inej knew it had to be painful for his leg, that was a bad sign. His crisp white shirt was put back on with buttons loose and wrong, gloves were on his hands that were pressed over his eyes, his breathing was uneven. Inej felt anxiety creep in her gut, something had gone wrong. Kaz was drowning.

 

Kaz was fine, hours ago. They’d laid down in bed and shared lazy kisses in between her sharing stories about some of the family members Kaz would meet upon their arrival in Ravka, two days from now. The past few days had been nothing short of relaxing, they’d spent some time with her parents, Kaz had played cards with her father, she’d toured the ship with her mother and pointed out little nautical facts, they’d shared meals and easy smiles. Kaz had taken the time to read a novel and spent some time blissfully alone and she’d been happy for him. Inej had even done her stretches for acrobatics on the deck of the ship, bathed in sunshine. It had felt… peaceful. This entire voyage had felt like the moment you get a breath of fresh, strong air after being trapped under water.

 

Inej wanted Kaz to breathe, she knew she had to make her movements known. He couldn’t sense her now; she’d seen it once. When he’d tried to kiss her wrist, months and months ago in the attic of the Slat.

 

“Kaz.” Inej whispered and she slipped from the bed, making sure to let the mattress creak under her weight, giving him a sign that she’d moved. He didn’t move, she heard his breath hitch but it was followed by quiet gasps. He wasn’t hyperventilating, but he was heading in that direction.

 

“Kaz, it’s me. It’s Inej. Look at me.” She said softly as she dropped to her knees a few feet away from him; she knew he needed space.

 

“I know.” Kaz rasped, his voice sounded wrong, like someone had crunched his vocal chords into a ball like you would a piece of parchment.

 

“Open your eyes. You’re safe.” Inej tried, her heart was cracking into splinters in her own chest. Kaz hadn’t wanted her to see this, the same way she hadn’t wanted him to see her. She would drag him up onto her raft from the dark waters, he’d lit a lamp for her in the void.

 

“I can’t Inej, I can’t do this.” Kaz whispered, his voice muffled by the leather on his hands, covering most of his face.

 

“Yes you can, yes we can. I’m here.” Inej forced her voice into line. Confidence rang true in each word. Kaz peeled his hands from his face, they’d left lines in his skin. He had been pressing too hard on his own face, she knew it was against the water in his mind; but it also kept air from reaching him properly. She wished she knew what had triggered his demons, if it had been her skin as they slept, or a nightmare.

 

Inej wanted to pull him to her, tell him she was a Captain of the True Sea and the water obeyed her command. She couldn’t.

 

“Deep breath.” Inej used the same tactic he’d used with her, she just wanted his chest to rise and fall normally. It was tossing her insides around like a hurricane, watching him like this.

 

Kaz took a deep breath, it was shaky, tumbling, but true. She made him repeat the motion, matching her breath to his, exhaling in tandem.

 

“Why the hell are you even here, Inej?” Kaz’s eyes opened slightly, she noticed silver lining his reddened water lines.

 

            The voice was steel and granite. Unbreakable and rough stone. Dirtyhands.Very well, she knew how to parlay with him as well.

 

            “You know why I’m here, Kaz. Don’t act like you don’t.” Inej said quietly, keeping an eye on his chest and tracking the rise and fall. His breath was still shaken but more steady.

 

            “No, I really fucking don’t. I set you free. You should have gone, you should have gone and never came back. I was prepared for that; I wasn’t prepared for this. I shouldn’t have come to the docks. I knew I shouldn’t have, you’d have found someone who can fucking do this for you, who could sleep through the night with you!” Kaz’s voice roared despite being quiet, his eyes looked like flint caught aflame.

 

            No. No. This was not going to work for Inej Ghafa. Damn his demons, she’d fight them herself.

 

            “One night against the many we’ve spent together seems like pretty good saints-damned odds, Brekker. Don’t try this with me.” Inej’s voice came out sharper than she even knew it could be. She was angry, she was hurt. She wasn’t going to let him give up so easily. He needed to let her be there for him.

 

            “I chose to come back. My freedom is mine to do with as I wish. You have no say on if I come back to Ketterdam. You cannot send me away.” She fired at him before he could respond. His eyes latched on hers and she saw nothing behind his irises, this was the look of Dirtyhands when challenged.

 

            “No. But I can take myself out of the equation, that would be my choice.” The words came out of his mouth laced in the poison found at the end of a scorpion’s tail.

 

            He owed her another apology. It was a dim thought as a tear streaked down her face, unwelcome and unwanted.

 

            “Then turn around and head back to Kerch when we reach Os Kervo. If you want to die the same way you would have before this past year, go ahead. Or, join me. Fight for me. Draw your knives. Fight alongside me. Just make a decision before I do.” Inej whispered.

 

She’d just wanted to bring him back, she had. It didn’t excuse the ire he threw in her direction. Inej would not take it, she knew her worth. Somewhere within her, she knew he didn’t mean it. This was his demons pulling the strings of his vocal chords as if he were a puppet, but it hurt like hell. It hurt so much she wanted to scream.

 

“It would be better if I did that. It would be better if I got off this ship and got on another. You’ll get over it. You’ll find a man who doesn’t drown. Someone who can be bare in body and soul without fear.” His voice came to her but she hardly heard him.

 

Her chest was tight, her throat felt swollen with the effort of holding back a sob. She would not cry; she would not crumple. Inej Ghafa would stand up, hold her head high.

 

She knew Kaz was in there, she knew he was railing against this as much as she, but Dirtyhands let none of that show. The thought made her ribs crack and her blood flow in wrong directions within her veins.

 

“If you believe that- that I’ll get over it, then do it, Kaz Brekker. You’re right. I won’t let my life end; I’ll pick up my pieces. But I won’t be the same. You’ll live knowing you left with pieces of me in your pocket, pieces you were meant to cherish instead of destroy. I’ll never get them back. I was never as good a thief.” Inej’s voice cracked under the weight of sorrow.

 

Sadness knocked at the door to her chest, unbridled and unkind.

 

“It’s better this way.” Kaz’s voice came out like a blade on a whetstone, quick to the sharpening and jagged on the drag.

 

His decision, then. She didn’t believe him. She wouldn’t listen to another minute, either. He’d apologized only days’ prior for something he’d said long ago; he’d broken the promise of mati en sheva yelu. This action had still echoed. She would forgive him, if he would only fight. He wasn’t fighting.

 

Inej Ghafa stood from the ground, cheeks wet. She turned around, unbuttoned his shirt. She dropped it off her shoulders, a flutter of white as it fell to the ground. She picked up her own shirt from the end of the bed where she’d left it. Her back was all that was displayed to him. Inej pulled on her shirt, ignoring the dull flicker of hope that he would say anything else. Something to stop her. She knew he would not. Not as he was now. She picked up the strand of leather from the bedside table and ruthlessly pulled her hair back into a coil at the base of her neck. She picked up her leggings and moved out of his eye sight into the alcove with the washbasin and dropped his sleep trousers to the ground and adorned her legs in her own pants. Tears fell silently, one drop fell to the basin and she swore it shattered. She pulled on her boots.

 

            Inej walked to the dresser, ignoring Kaz entirely. He did not speak. She did not feel his eyes on her anymore. His breathing was smooth. Even now, she made sure. She would not let him drown even if her own heart was close to ruination.

 

            She picked up Sankta Lizabeta and strapped the blade to her waist. She would retrieve the rest of her blades later. Right now, she needed to leave this room. She needed to be alone, away from the one person who she wanted more than anyone else in the world. She just wanted him to fight, she wanted to make this right. She knew he was in there, but he felt so far away.

 

            Inej picked up Sankt Petyr.

 

            I wanted to give it to someone who would never stop fighting. You were that person. You needed it, I didn’t.

 

            The memory of a night so precious crashed into her chest, strong as a tidal wave. She covered her mouth and she felt her torso constrict silently.

 

            Inej moved to the door. Kaz had not moved an inch. His eyes were open, but they did not turn to her.

 

            “Maybe I was wrong. I’d always said you were a man of your word. It’s how I convinced Nina to join the Dregs. Prove to me that I wasn’t wrong. If you stop fighting now, you didn’t mean what you said. I have my knives drawn. I’d crawl to you. Do the same, Kaz.” She whispered. His form did not flinch; his eyes did not look to her.

 

            Inej stabbed Sankt Petyr into the wall beside him.

 

            “You need it more than I do.” Were her parting words to the man she loved.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

            Inej had settled after an hour of pacing along the rails of the ship. Her legs swung down on either side of her as she straddled the bowsprit, she flipped Sankta Lizabeta through her fingers as she looked to the waves far below. It was still the middle of the night, maybe three bells in the morning. Inej didn’t understand what had happened; where things had gone so wrong. She wanted to ask Kaz, she wanted to understand. She would not go back to be insulted by his demons. Hours earlier, they’d fallen asleep, hands entwined and lips red from a kiss that had lasted longer than all the rest. She’d heard his heart beat, strong and triumphant as she had laid her head on his bare chest.

 

            Inej refused the idea that that kiss had been their last. She would not let her avrigive up so easily. She also regretted how she’d left. She did not regret that she had left, though. As the minutes ticked by, anger was replaced by seeds of sorrow that bloomed into regret.

 

            She wondered if Kaz had moved in the hour since she left their cabin. Vaguely, she pondered if his leg had been stiff.

 

            Inej was perhaps hurt most by the fact that Kaz had been blinded by his own demons so much that he’d forgotten she had her own. It wouldn’t just be “move on to a better man”. Inej didn’t work like that, either. He’d seen it. He’d walked her back from the edge, he’d seen her shame.

 

            She also didn’t believe in a better man for herself than Kaz Brekker. She’d known it since long before they’d exchanged “I love yous” or kissed each other’s lips. She hated the demons that swam in dark waters, they dragged the man she loved down there with them. Kaz knew, he knew what “etma se saman” meant. Somewhere in there, Brekker was trying his best, Inej could feel it in her bones. It wasn’t an excuse.

 

He needed to fight his way back to her, she wouldn’t spend her life fighting alone. This was a pit she couldn’t reach into, lest she’d fall. All Inej could do was hold out her hand above the water and hope Kaz was brave enough to take it.

           

            Her eyes were dry now, but swollen. She’d cried for longer than she would care to admit. She let the wind of the Sea wrap around her in soothing patterns. In a way, she was glad this fight had happened at sea, not in Ketterdam. In Ketterdam, it would be much easier for Kaz to lose himself in work, to lock her out entirely.

 

            Inej could count a million times when they’d bickered, been angry with each other; both in her time with the Dregs and otherwise, but it was always that: bickering. They rarely actually fought with one another, she could think of only a few other times when she’d felt genuinely hurt by the sharp tongue of Kaz. They’d only had one other fight since they’d decided to be a couple, it had been just before her second voyage, but it hardly counted. Kaz had made it right, he’d recognized what he’d done and he’d come and apologized. This time, he owed her the same, but she felt she owed him one apology, too.

 

            He had spoken the words and he’d been at fault when she had tried to help him, but she’d also walked out with coldness surrounding her heart. Inej still didn’t think she regretted leaving, she would not be walked on by Dirtyhands; she was the Wraith after all. They were equals in a working sense, too. But, what Inej would apologize for, was for telling him she would “make a decision”. She felt that it implied she’d give up, even if the rest of what she’d said had clearly stated otherwise. Inej knew words could be like that, there could be a hundred better sentences, lovely roses, but you could hear one foul and twisted statement in the rest and it would be that one to stick its thorns into your sides and stay with you.

 

            Inej watched as the sun peeked its bright halo above the horizon. She’d been out here for hours now, lost in thought. She hadn’t even realized so much time had passed. Phantom cane thuds are the only things that had made her even turn her head. It was never real, and every time, her heart ached more. Disappointment reared its ugly head within her spirit.

 

            “How long have you been out here, little girl?” Inej turned to see Mama, wrapped in a crimson shawl, a paper cup of tea in hand. Her hair was up already, but she must have just awoken. Inej didn’t know how to answer, her eyes felt wet again. She was grateful the deck was empty of other passengers.

 

            “I don’t know. A few bells.” Inej settled on the truth, Mama’s voice felt like aloe plant on the sunburn of her soul, she didn’t want to lie.

 

            “What happened? Tell your mother.” Sharya moved to stand at the rail, just beside Inej where she still sat upon the bowsprit. Inej felt calmness wash over her even as tears returned to her eyes, her mother had spoken in their language.

 

            “We… Kaz and I had a disagreement.” Inej answered, letting her native tongue take over.

 

            Inej glanced to her mother, the sun was starting to rise and the diamond in her nose caught the first rays of light as they raced over the True Sea. Sharya nodded slowly, thinking as she took a sip of tea. She offered some to Inej but Inej shook her head, she didn’t want anything in her anxious stomach right now.

 

            “What was it about?” Sharya asked softly. Inej couldn’t tell her mother Kaz’s story, it wasn’t hers to tell. It was up to Kaz if he ever shared it with another person, but she could answer short handedly.

 

            “He thinks I deserve better because he has… he has some of the issues that I do. We argued about that and he seems to think I’d be better off if he let me go, but that’s my choice too, Isn’t it? Don’t I have a say?” Inej sputtered and she wiped furiously at her eyes with the back of her hand. She knew she didn’t need to delve into what the issues in question were, Mama would respect their privacy.

 

            Mama was quiet for a long moment, contemplating the event Inej had described. Her mother would not judge, neither herself nor Kaz. Sharya Ghafa was the least judgmental person that Inej had ever met, she was grateful for it, grateful to be her daughter.

 

            “Let me tell you a story.” Mama said and took another sip of tea, Inej waited for her to continue.

 

            “Once, several years before we had you, your father ended our relationship.” Mama said quietly. Inej didn’t hide her surprise, her parents had been nothing but completely in love for her entire life, she couldn’t believe it.

 

            “It was not because he didn’t love me, even if in the moment it felt like it. You see, I had once thought about leaving Ravka, going to Noyvi Zem or even Kerch, myself. I thought maybe there was more I wanted- out there. I was young, lost. I’d known your father since I was fifteen and he was it. He was my avri. I just wanted to find myself, too. I told him I was considering going, and he didn’t want to go. He wanted to stay in Ravka. I understood. I took my time, I thought about it, and one day, I decided I wanted to stay. It felt like understanding hit me in the face, I wasn’t lost. I just hadn’t looked at my life the right way, it was my choice.” Sharya paused and she leaned over the rail and took a look at the water below them. “I told your father I had decided to stay in Ravka, but he thought I’d chosen it for him.”

 

            “Did you?” Inej asked, she had never known any of this.

 

            “No. Absolutely not. If I had decided I wanted to go, no one would have been able to stop me. You see, your father ended things because he thought I deserved more, he thought I wanted to go and he held me back. It was the opposite, he gave me wings, he caught me in the middle of the show when I let go of the wire. He was safety and danger and adrenaline wrapped in the moments of falling. I wanted to feel that way for the rest of my life, but I had that within myself. He did not hold me back, he lifted me up. I tried to tell him, but he was blinded by his own fears. I felt like my heart broke and would never repair.” Mama paused and Inej saw a smile pull on her lips, Inej didn’t understand. She had never thought that her own love story had anything in common with that of her parents; but she’d been wrong.

 

            “What did you do?” Inej whispered. She had to know how her parents were here now, happy, well, in love.

 

            “I believed in myself, and I believed in him. I didn’t give up; he couldn’t take my choice away. I stayed, Inej. I stayed and I made myself work up the courage to explain to him one more time, even if he didn’t listen. I would know that I said my piece and I would walk away with hands free of shards of my heart. I would not bend for him, it was up to him to heal himself and make his way back to me, if he was only strong enough.” Sharya said now, and Inej couldn’t believe how similar she was to her mother in that moment; hadn’t this very course of action been what had swirled in her head for hours?

 

            “But it was his fault, did he apologize? Did you forgive him?” Inej asked now and the early morning sun caught the water, tilting rays back up to the two suli women on the deck of the ship. It felt like a dim question, of course her mother had forgiven her father, she was here now as living proof.

 

            Sharya chuckled. Inej waited for her response anyways.

 

            “He had to apologize, I would not accept him otherwise. I knew my value. I also forgave him before he had even apologized. I forgave him because his fear had spoken in place of his spirit, but it was not enough to excuse it entirely. I don’t know Kaz well, yet, but he looks at you like you’re made of magic, my girl. He loves you. If you aren’t willing to give up, fight. Let him heal himself, let him make his own choices. If he walks away, know that you gave it your best.” Mama smiled softly in the dawn light. Inej knew she was not willing to give up without hearing Kaz say it was what he wanted. If Kaz could look her in the eye and tell her he did not want her anymore, she would let him go. If he could not, she would try again.

 

            The tap of a cane. Not a phantom.

 

            “Oh, Sharya, I- I’ll come back.” Kaz’s voice sounded from behind Inej and Mama. Inej felt butterflies in her stomach. Kaz had come up here. She was ready to talk, even if it scared her.

 

            “No. No, I was just leaving. Good morning, Kaz.” Mama smiled softly, and leaned up and placed a kiss on Inej’s cheek before she moved away. Inej turned just in time to see her mother place a delicate hand on Kaz’s shoulder as she passed. It was her mother’s sign of encouragement. She saw Kaz freeze momentarily, but it seemed the touch hadn’t bothered him. Mama’s hand had only touched his jacket. She noticed the purple under his eyes were deeper, his hair fell onto his forehead in raven pieces. His jacket was buttoned all the way up, but she suspected he hadn’t fixed his shirt underneath from how it had been hours before. He looked disheveled. Good. She looked the same. Saints, she felt the same.

 

            There were no gloves on his hands.

 

            Inej turned fully, her legs slightly numb from sitting in the same position for hours. Kaz offered her his hand and she did not take it. She leapt down from the bowsprit silently, without assistance.

 

            Kaz tucked his hand into his pocket. She didn’t look him in the eye, yet. It was too fresh. She wasn’t ready to see the gold in his irises in the morning sunlight. Inej turned and stood at the rail, looking over the water. Kaz came and stood beside her.

 

            She didn’t know how long they stood in silence, somehow, it was still easy. It was their silence despite the events that led up to this moment.

 

            “Tell me you do not want me, and I will walk away. Tell me you honestly want what you said and I’ll wish you the best and I will not open your window again.” Inej broke the silence and her hands gripped the rail of the ship until her knuckles turned white. Inej was not angry, she’d already forgiven him, but she was still human. She was scared.

 

            “I can’t do that. Inej… I can’t. I can’t lose you. I can’t make you live through hell with me, either.” Kaz’s voice broke on every word.

 

            “What hell do you speak of? This feels like hell, Kaz. The rest of it? That’s not hell. That’s a battle we face together and come out on the other side, together. I can do that, this? I don’t know how to walk away when it’s not what either of us want.” Inej answered, ignoring her watering eyes.

 

            “I can’t lose you, Inej. I can’t.” he whispered.

 

            “Then don’t. Fight, Kaz.” Inej said, she turned her head and found him already looking at her. Their eyes met for the first time in hours. It broke her heart and put it back together again.

 

            “My choice is you, my choice is us. What do you want, Kaz? Etma se saman. It’s not… it’s a forever kind of thing. That’s how I feel about you. Do you feel the same? Did I miss something? Because I don’t think I did. I’m a spy, and it looked like we were on the same page.” Inej said gently, not letting go of his stare.

 

            “I choose you. I choose you over and over again, Inej. I can’t- I can’t give you the apology you deserve. I can’t say I didn’t mean it, because part of me did. The nightmare, it was about you. It was the first time the nightmares had been about you. You were dead the way my brother was and it was because of me, because of my fucking enemies, Inej. I’ll want you forever and it felt like… it felt like if you were out there, breathing, living- it was better than dead because of me and the path I walk. Better than having to watch me drown just from sleeping next to you, from waking up with your hand in mine and falling into a panic attack that I couldn’t swim. It terrified me, it fucking terrified me, Inej.” Kaz’s words flowed out and he had to catch his breath at the end, she watched his adam’s apple bob in a nervous swallow.  

 

            Kaz. Kaz. Kaz. Her heart beat a rhythm to his name and she had to make him see. They had come so far, there was bound to be bumps in the path. It didn’t mean the path ended. Kaz had admitted he was afraid.

 

            “Kaz, we both chose a dangerous path. It’s both of us, or have you forgotten Hester? Heleen? Kane De Vries? The thing is… we fight together. We are united against it. They don’t have what we have, they don’t have the full force of another’s rage.” Inej said softly. She tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear before she turned her chin back up to him.

 

            “I don’t drown. But I fall, Kaz. I fall into the void and you bring me back. Remember that, it’s not just your demons that lurk in the dark. Let me bring you back, too. Don’t lock me out. We’ve come so far, one bad night against a hundred good ones. Let me love you, Kaz. Let me live with you. Let me swim it with you. Let me in, Kaz.” Inej whispered, she let all of the strength she had within herself melt into the words.

 

            Kaz’s eyes glinted gold, she knew they would. The sun had nothing on his eyes.

 

            “You’ll still have me?” It was a shattered, disbelieving thing, that whisper.

 

            “I want all of you. Without armor, Kaz Brekker.” Inej voiced.

 

            “Without armor.” Kaz confirmed in a gravely whisper, he nodded slowly.

 

            “Mati en sheva yelu. I won’t promise I won’t mess up again, but I won’t stop fighting. I didn’t tonight, but I came close. I won’t do it again. You are worth the fight, Inej.” Kaz whispered and she didn’t know when they’d both stepped closer, but they had.

 

            “Mati en sheva yelu. I won’t make decisions that involve you, too. I know I said I would and that was wrong. In kerch, I’m sorry, Kaz.” She whispered back to him.

 

            She had been right, about words and their thorns. She saw him take a deep breath. Her words had hurt him, too.

 

            “I forgive you. Will you be able to forgive me?” Kaz asked now and she noticed his hand had come back out from his pocket, his pale fingers twitched ever so slightly. It was Kaz, holding back from touching her.

 

            Inej reached for his hand and brought his knuckles to her lips. She pressed a kiss and whispered an “I love you” between each ridge. It was her answer; she knew he understood. She already had. She looked to Kaz then, in the past few hours the world had been tilted off course without the moon’s gravity.

 

            His light shown again, the world righted itself.

 

            “Do you want to go back to bed, together?” Kaz whispered.

 

            “Yes. I’m freezing.” Inej answered, only now remembering how long she’d sat in the wind.

 

            Kaz began to remove his jacket for her, but Inej reached up and stopped him.

 

            “Take off your clothes inside, Brekker. I’m not much for sharing.” Inej chuckled when his eyes widened.

 

            “Yes, ma’am.” Kaz rasped and Inej felt her heart swell.

 

 

 

 

 

            Minutes later, they reached their cabin. Kaz locked the door behind them and something seemed to break for both of them, in the privacy of their own space, his lips captured hers and left her breathless. It was the first time he picked her up and it had set her off in a fit of giggles.

 

            In between those kisses, Kaz promised to fight. So did she. It felt like a vow.

 

 

It felt like forever, wrapped in a promise.

 

Chapter 54: Rich, Indeed

Summary:

A reunion of a different kind.

Notes:

Chapter 54!
*THIS IS THE SEASON 3 OPENING*
I've said chapters are special before, and I've meant it every time I have. But I poured a lot into this one, and I just... I just hope it shines through for you guys. In this chapter, there's two scenes that were some of the first I dreamed of for this story, to finally be here, to write them for you and upload them for you, it's something I can't quite explain. I hope it surprises you, I hope it makes you smile, above all else, I hope it makes you feel something.

Thank you so much, I love each and every one of you.

I'd love to hear from you guys on this chapter specifically, I really want to know if I did it justice. I hope I did. What's coming next, that will be special too. Let me know if you're excited. I can't tell you how excited I am, for once, I have no words.

 

"Take On The World" by You Me At Six. This song, I'm sure many of you know it. It's an unofficial Kanej anthem. I hope it tells you how important this one is. Listen to it at the end of the chapter, please. I hope it hits you the same way it did me when I was editing and listened to it.

KAZ

 

            “We’re here. We’re in Ravkan waters.” Inej whispered in the dim morning light from beside him on the bed. Her hair was splayed out in inky slashes over the pillow and their hands were entwined underneath the sheets. Neither of them had made a move to get out of the bed, despite being awake for over half a bell.

 

            Kaz heard the chime of bells in the distance, it was the announcement of their ship pulling into harbor in Os Kervo. He couldn’t believe it either, he was in Ravka with Inej. Part of him would miss this ship, the time he had with Inej alone, but he found he was excited to be on gloriously dry land that didn’t shift under his feet or his cane. The rest of him was anxious. He was going to meet Inej’s family, her friends. He wouldn’t let it show, he wanted Inej focused on her own feelings. Inej was excited now, she’d been practically bouncing as she’d spoke the night before of all the different things she wanted to show him, people she wanted to introduce, food she wanted him to try.

 

            “I don’t want you to be surprised but there will most likely be someone who will meet us on the docks.” Inej whispered and he fluttered his eyes closed when she brought her free hand up and brushed his hair out of his face, it was relaxing. It took a moment before the words sunk in.

 

            “You mean from your family?” Kaz asked and he opened his eyes again to see Inej smiling.

 

            “Perhaps that too, but I doubt it.” Inej mumbled softly as she inched closer to him.

 

            “Who else would it be?” Kaz asked, he couldn’t think of anyone who would be in Os Kervo that he’d know.

 

            “I wrote Kuwei as soon as we decided to come to Ravka. I sent it express so hopefully the note arrived in time. If he had the free time to make the journey from the Little Palace, I asked him to have lunch with us here before we make the trek to the Caravans this afternoon.” Inej admitted. “Don’t worry, I just mentioned myself and a friend. I didn’t claim you by name in case anything was intercepted.” Inej amended.

 

            Kuwei Yul-Bo. Ah. Well, Kaz didn’t completely loathe the boy, he supposed. He could suffer a meal if Inej desired it. He’d forgotten that Inej had stricken up a correspondence with the Shu inferni. He already suspected the boy would be surprised to see Kaz Brekker on the streets of Os Kervo.

 

            “Does that bother you?” Inej whispered in his silence. Kaz shook his head; Kuwei was perhaps one of the few people that Kaz wouldn’t mind seeing. Though, if he was candid, he’d almost prefer Zenik.

 

            “Good. Because I’d drag you if I had to.” Inej chuckled.

 

            “I’d like to see you try, love. You might not know this but your stature is… more petite.” Kaz jested and he saw her nose scrunch in defiance.

 

            “I’m strong enough. I’d figure it out.” Inej retorted.

 

            That decided it. Still not getting out of bed.

 

            Kaz took his hand out of hers but lifted the sheet for Inej, a gesture to come closer and into his arms.

 

            Inej smiled deviously and shook her head.

 

            “Tell me I’d be strong enough.” Inej mused and made a show of sinking lower in her spot, rooting herself in place until he gave into her game.

 

            “Come here and I’ll admit you could most likely drag me, wraith.” He responded and inched himself closer to her instead.

 

            “No. Not fair. Stay over there.” Inej laughed and he hooked his arm around her waist and it she giggled fiercely.

 

            This was a new development. Inej was ticklish. Thank her saints that none of their enemies ever discovered this particular brand of torture. Kaz would use it for his own means.

 

            “No, stop it! Stop!” Inej choked out and Kaz finally relented after several more seconds of brushing his fingers over her ribcage under her arm. He’d still sell his soul to hear her giggle like that every morning and night.

 

            “That was cruel.” Inej smacked his arm but her chocolate eyes shined in amusement.

 

            “What else did you expect? This is very interesting information, Wraith. I do trade in secrets, after all.” Kaz smirked and Inej rolled her eyes.

 

            “I’ll just have to discover if you are also ticklish, someday. Hopefully when you are least expecting it. I should like very much to return the favor.” Inej grinned and she finally moved into the circle of his arms.

 

            He was. He’d have to guard that secret for the rest of their lives.

 

            “Good luck with that.” Kaz mumbled and he placed his lips to her forehead as she chuckled below him. He felt Inej’s lips press softly to his neck, just below his jaw.

 

He was suddenly convinced he could live on this damn boat forever if it meant her lips on his throat.

           

            Inej kissed her way up his jaw and he thought it would be fine if he died now. He’d lived long enough to see this day, a day where Inej could do this and he was thinking of anything but drowning.

 

            Just as his eyes shut, a knock on their door broke the spell of Inej’s kisses. She pulled away and Kaz thought about murdering whomever dared interrupt her careful exploration of his jawline.

 

            “Gangplank will be lowered in twenty minutes, drag yourselves out of bed.” Kahir Ghafa chuckled from the other side of the door before his footsteps faded down the hallway.

 

            Kaz was glad he hadn’t seen Kahir’s face, Inej’s father had assumed they were in the middle of much more… intimate activities. Though, Kaz supposed they were. This was progress for them. Kaz liked Kahir very much, unfortunately. That meant the suli man was safe from Kaz’s rage at the interruption. It was still odd that it was not frowned upon by her parents, their sharing a bed, but Kaz appreciated their respect of their daughter’s private life. It was nothing if not refreshing compared to outdated Mercher views in Ketterdam.

 

            Inej laughed from beside him, Kaz turned his head back to her.

 

            “You look disappointed, mera chaar.” Inej whispered.

 

            “Why would I be?” Kaz said too quickly and it caused Inej to laugh again. He knew he hadn’t schooled his expression quick enough when the knock sounded, of course Inej had seen his frown.

 

            “I’ll make it up to you later.” Inej pressed a kiss to his cheek before she slipped off the bed.

 

            Kaz was momentarily struck with the fact that they were able to be like this with one another, now. Able to promise more kisses. Able to lay down together every night. It was true, there had been one terrible night. Kaz didn’t like to think on it too much, it still hurt, but he and Inej had come out on the other side victorious. Yes, they still had a far way to go before they could do everything physically that they both desired; but that didn’t negate the progress they’d already made. Holding Inej’s hand was as familiar as his own now. Kissing her cheek required no thought, nor her head. Occasionally, he still steeled himself before he kissed her lips, but generally, he felt no water. For the times he did, he was learning how to anchor himself in the moment, learning how to build dams with Inej’s help.

 

            This was more than Kaz had ever hoped for. He was daring enough to reach for more with Inej. They’d have it all, if he had any say in the matter.

 

            Kaz watched as Inej brushed her hair in the mirror above the dresser. She began to braid it and Kaz made a mental note to have her teach him the motion. He loved her hair, it was easy and comfortable to touch.

 

            Kaz dragged himself up from the bed, his leg throbbed slightly, but it was not unbearable today. Kaz was thankful they’d already repacked most of their things last night; bags open for last minute additions by the door. Kaz had kept one of his best suits out for the day; he was to meet Inej’s family, he wanted to look his best. He’d shaven the night before and he had to admit he missed the running water of the Slat, going back to a wash basin reminded him how much he preferred the luxury.

 

            “Are there showers at the Caravans?” Kaz mused, he’d only realized he had no idea since the wagons moved so much of the year.

 

            “When we are stopped near one of the wells, yes. We have water heaters and filtration on the back of the wagons that we connect to the ground in predetermined ports when we are staying for more than a few days. Since the caravans will be stopped for the cold season, we’ll have running bath water.” Inej answered as she tied the leather strip around the end of her braid.

 

            Kaz felt like a mercher when he felt relief. He hated it, but he’d grown used to the luxury.

 

            “Turn around or close your eyes.” Inej mumbled as she began undoing the buttons of his shirt that currently adorned her small frame. Kaz turned around and busied himself with putting on his own shirt, he noticed he’d forgotten to leave a tie out of his bag. Kaz waited until Inej told him he could turn around, he found her holding out one of his onyx ties to him.

 

            How did she do that?

 

            “I noticed you weren’t tying one.” Inej shrugged before she sat on the edge of the bed to slip on her boots.

 

            Inej noticed things he hadn’t even realized. Clever, clever, Wraith.

 

            Half a bell later, Kaz and Inej were walking down the gangplank just behind her parents. Kaz was struck with the view, Os Kervo was so similar to Ketterdam, yet completely different. It was a trade city, so the docks were full and busy just as those in Kerch, but the architecture behind the docks, ravkan architecture, was much different.

 

            Damn you, Wylan Van Eck. Why do you talk about architecture so damn much? Kaz hated that he now appreciated buildings and their design.

           

            Kaz noticed that many of the buildings in the distance had tear drop shaped roofs on their pillars, domed or arched windows instead of simple squares. Color. That was the main difference. Many of the buildings had blue shutters, a green door, or red shingles. It made the city seem bright, interesting to look at. Inej was smiling next to him, he knew she’d returned to Os Kervo once, on her maiden voyage, in order to drop her parents’ home. This time, she was staying to return to the caravans. He saw nervousness pass her eyes, but the back drop was a furious hope. Inej was both excited and nervous, he was too. It was new.

 

            Kaz wasn’t used to being excited for anything, so much of his life was death, greed, swift punches and gunpowder. In the past year, he’d learned what excitement felt like, the anticipation of Inej waiting for him upstairs in the Slat, card games with Jesper and Wylan. This was a whole new level of those small excitements, Kaz didn’t find it unenjoyable.

 

            “Welcome to Ravka, Mr. Brekker.” Kahir clapped him on the shoulder as he passed by. Kaz spared a nod and a small smile to Inej’s parents just as Inej grinned and yelled from beside him as they stood on the docks.

 

            “Over here!” Inej was waving to someone and Kaz turned his head to follow her gaze. Down the docks, toward the mainland, was Kuwei Yul-Bo. Clad in a blue kefta, embroidered in red. The symbol for ethereallki, inferni. Inej took off and Sharya chuckled.

 

            “Friend of yours?” She asked Kaz.

 

            “You could say that, Inej more so. We worked with him… on a job.” Kaz fumbled for the right wording, the auction wasn’t exactly a job, but it was all he could describe their relationship to Kuwei Yul-Bo as. Kaz mumbled an ‘excuse me’ to Inej’s parents before he followed Inej down the docks. The docks were sturdy and Kaz realized how grateful his leg was already for solid ground beneath him, no sway of the waves.

 

            Kaz saw Inej give Kuwei a loose hug just as he approached, the boy was slightly taller now, but otherwise the same.

 

            “Kaz Brekker?” Kuwei gaped. Inej was smiling, she hadn’t told Kuwei through her letters of her relationship with Kaz, in case the letters were to fall into the wrong hands.

 

            “Hello, Kuwei.” Kaz offered him a glove clad hand and the inferni shook it easily.

 

            “Did not expect you here, I was thinking Inej spoke of someone else.” Kuwei answered in slightly broken kerch, Kaz knew it was a concession for him as he spoke very little ravkan. In fact, he knew more suli words than he did ravkan at this point. Inej had taught him some new ones on their journey here, he could now ask for directions, say thank you, you’re welcome, and ask for the facilities. It wasn’t much, but he wanted to at least try to learn some of her language.

 

            “I have missed a lot, I presume.” Kuwei turned back to Inej and Inej shrugged with a brilliant smile on her face. The sun was out and Kaz noticed how the light caused her hair to have azure hues mixed with the black. It reminded him of a crow’s wing, beautiful.

 

            “We’re not here on work, if that’s what you’re asking.” Kaz rasped as he turned his head to make sure their bags had made it down to Kahir and Sharya. The ship staff had offered to carry them and it seems they’d done their job.

 

            “No? Oh. OH.” Kuwei smiled and he flicked a lock of dark hair out of his eyes.

 

            Inej laughed and asked Kuwei something in ravkan. Kaz found he enjoyed hearing her speak in every language. Inej had clearly inquired about Kuwei’s new position at the Little Palace because the boy smiled and nodded eagerly, Kaz made out “I’m well” in his very little understanding of the language.

 

            “Lunch? I know of a place only a few minutes away.” Kuwei asked.

 

            “Yes, I just want to make sure my parents will be okay with the extra bags and decide where to meet them when we’re done so we can head toward my people.” Inej smiled and walked back down the docks toward Sharya and Kahir.

 

            “I’m glad to see it is official. I thought it was back before the auction, but Nina told me I had assumed wrong.” Kuwei turned to Kaz now. Kaz was surprised, had he and Inej seemed close enough to be considered a couple back then? He didn’t think so.

 

            “Why did you assume that?” Kaz found himself asking.

 

            “How you say it in kerch? Tension like a blade? No! Tension could be cut with a blade.” Kuwei answered with a shake of his head. Kaz understood now, Kuwei was saying there had been unresolved tension that was clearly visible between himself and Inej. Kaz couldn’t help the chuckle that rose in his throat, the Shu boy wasn’t wrong.

 

            “Have you been well, Kuwei? Learned how to use your powers?” Kaz asked.

 

            “Yes! It was the right choice to come here. Genya and Zoya were able to get me into training right away. I didn’t even know all I could do.” Kuwei smiled and pulled a small match book from his pocket to act as a flint, a spark. A small flame danced around his scarred fingers and Kaz smiled- it was how he danced a coin over his knuckles.  

 

            “Has Ketterdam bent to your will?” Kuwei said conversationally as his gold eyes followed the flame. Kaz smiled, Ketterdam would bend to his will as he willed it.

 

            “It’s my city if that’s what you’re asking. It bends when I apply the right amount of pressure.” Kaz smirked and leaned on his cane just as Inej strutted her way back to them.

 

            “My parents want us to meet them at the ware wagons in an hour or two- there’s a snow storm approaching tonight and we need to make it to the caravans before then. We’ll be catching a ride with those returning home from selling silks here in the city. Sorry Kuwei, it’ll have to be short.” Inej smiled softly, Kaz could see regret shining in her eyes. He knew it was because Inej had asked Kuwei to travel far for a chance to visit with them.

 

            “No problem. I had business to attend to here in Os Kervo anyways. Well, personal business.” Kuwei grinned and Kaz suspected Inej knew something of what he spoke of based on her raised eyebrows.

 

            “Oh you must tell me his name.” Inej looped her arm through Kuwei’s and Kaz followed alongside them as they walked up the docks and came to the mainland boardwalk.

 

            Kaz listened to Kuwei and Inej speak in ravkan, he didn’t mind. He was too busy seeing something new; for the first time he did not look at how a building could be scaled, how prison wagons could be broken into, where city guards were patrolling.

 

            Instead, Kaz noticed color. He smelled spices and sweetness wafting from bakeries. He saw a statue of who he thought was Sankta Alina, there were flowers scattered below it, tributes to the Sun Summoner.

 

            Kaz lived, for once. As he walked behind the woman he loved, and yet another person who he just might consider a friend, he wished his brother had lived long enough to see the riches in the world that were not kruge. Jordie would have loved this.

 

            Kaz had lived long enough to grow very rich indeed.

 

INEJ

 

            The entire lunch had been wonderful, Inej’s ravkan had been rusty so she and Kuwei had switched to kerch, to also include Kaz. They’d had bliny cakes, an omelet with fresh mushrooms, cheese and greens on top. It tasted even better than Inej remembered, she’d not had one in so long. Kaz seemed to enjoy it too, she noticed him staring out of the café window at the city streets, bustling with locals and tourists alike. He seemed lost in thought as Kuwei told them of new things he’d learned in the Little Palace, and of the boy he’d met during a festival who now resided in Os Kervo, much to the Shu inferni’s dismay. Inej had been pleased his trip had not been wasted on only an hour with herself and Kaz, though.  

 

            After lunch, she’d hugged Kuwei and he’d promised to write her if he was not still in Os Kervo before their ship left to return to Ketterdam in two weeks’ time. Kaz had shaken the inferni’s hand and spared him a genuine smile.

 

Inej still had one thing she wanted to do before she and Kaz made their way to the market district to meet up with her parents.

 

            “What do you think so far?” Inej asked Kaz with a bump to his shoulder as they watched Kuwei disappear around the corner from the café they’d just exited.

 

            “It’s… it’s different but also much the same as Ketterdam.” Kaz answered, she felt his hand reach for hers. She could tell there was much more going on in Kaz’s head than he was letting on, but Inej would not push him. If he wanted to share, he would.

 

            They walked hand in hand down the street. It was the first time they’d ever walked so casually, like a normal couple, out in the open. Inej squeezed his hand and she felt her heart beat faster when he looked at her from the corner of his eye with a smile. Kaz had realized it too. This was new, something not possible for them in Ketterdam without drawing unwanted attention. It was everything she’d ever wanted.

 

            They traversed several blocks and Inej pointed out small statues and some of the shops her family had visited over the years. If Inej had a home city, Os Kervo was as close as it came. The caravans settled near to the city to sell wares and also to perform just outside city limits, it was where she’d made her debut on the wire as a small girl. Kaz smiled the smile with the dimple when she told him that particular memory.

 

            They reached the corner Inej had been leading them toward. Before them, across the cobblestone street, stood the chapel of Sankta Alina. It had been built while Inej had been in Ketterdam, but it was beautiful. The doors were massive and domed, navy in color and lined in gold paint, the handles were two halves of the sun at the center. The building itself was not large, but tall. The vaulted ceilings within shown straight to the sky with stained glass murals that depicted the Sun Summoner’s martyrdom, the day she’d died to save Ravka and destroy the Unsea. Inej had come here for the first time when she’d returned her parents’ to Ravka on her maiden voyage.

 

Inej needed a moment with her faith. For the souls she’d lost on her second voyage, for those she hadn’t been able to save.

 

            “Will you wait here for a moment? I need to do something.” Inej asked Kaz when they paused before the chapel. Kaz nodded and she felt her heart rise in her throat when he pressed a kiss to her forehead. Words were not needed, his eyes told her “take your time, it’s not for me, but it’s for you.” Once, she’d have expected a snide comment from him about her faith, but it seemed he knew this was important to her. Inej would kiss him for it, later. She squeezed his hand once more before she walked up the stairs and pushed the Chapel doors open. There were pews for worship lining either side of the open room, an aisle led up to a statue of Alina herself on the raised platform. The sun shone down from the glass ceiling and cast her marble likeness in an otherworldly glow. Inej found the Chapel almost empty, save for one hooded person in a pew. Inej was glad of it, she craved an intimate moment with those who watched over her.

 

            She did not chose Sankta Alina specifically to send her prayers to, but this had become her favorite chapel since she’d first seen it. The ceiling being made of glass left the sky visible, it felt like a stronger connection for Inej.

 

She herself felt she belonged in the sky, and somewhere up there, the Saints reigned too.

 

Inej came to the front of the Chapel, she settled to her knees in front of Sankta Alina.

 

“Forgive me, Saints. I have not been able to save all those I wished. I killed because of it. I cannot promise not to lay hands against evil men again, but I do repent. Please, take those who fought bravely beside me into your light. Sankta Alina, let them see the sun again. Let them live on in peace, knowing they did their best. Lend me the strength to keep fighting another day. Let me love the boy outside this holy room for my entire life, and let both our lives be long. I know he does not believe, but he makes me believe in the goodness of this world. He is good, he is so good. He does not always show it, but it’s there. Let us protect each other. Let me protect the innocent. Hear me, Saints. Hear me and forgive me.”

 

Inej whispered her prayers for only her and the holy to hear. Her chest felt tight, she prayed they accepted her repentance. Inej stood and turned to find that the hooded figure had lifted their-no, her-head. It was a woman that Inej thought might be in her mid-twenties, not much older than she.  Her hair was white, cut short to brush her strong collar bones that showed over her maroon tunic. Her features were partially obscured by her cloak, but Inej made out a feminine jawline and a gentle mouth.

 

“Do you know much about her, Sankta Alina?” the woman asked in ravkan. Inej paused as she walked down the aisle of the chapel. She looked back over her shoulder to the statue of the Sun Saint.

 

“I know that she was light. I don’t mean because of her powers. It helped Ravka, what she did, and yes she needed her powers to do it. But I believe she was light in herself, grisha or not. That’s why I pray to her. The world needs kindness.” Inej answered honestly in a whisper. It was true. It was not because Alina had been a grisha that Inej believed in her, it had been her compassion to those who needed her, Sankta Alina had died for that kindness.

 

“You do not pray because she was the Sun Summoner?” The woman asked, she sounded lost in thought. Inej understood, a chapel could have profound effects. Inej wondered if the woman was just beginning to find her faith.

 

“No. I pray because she did something of service to the world, she saved thousands. I choose to believe that kindness lives on, just as her light does. I pray that it shines on those I love.” Inej said gently with a look to the stained glass ceiling.

 

“That’s beautiful. I’m sure she heard you.” The woman responded and Inej noticed a small smile playing on the stranger’s lips. Inej noticed she ran her finger over one of her palms, it seemed to be a comforting motion for her. Inej felt her chest warm, she hoped the woman was right and the Saints had turned their ear to her prayers.

 

“Are you from Os Kervo?” Inej questioned softly.

 

“No. I run an orphanage with my husband, at Keramzin. I was just waiting for him to get some things for our return home. We came for business.” The woman said offhandedly. Inej smiled, the woman had chosen a brave path. Inej felt in her bones that the children under this woman’s care would be loved.

 

“Saints speed.” Inej smiled and the woman tilted her head up, brown eyes met Inej’s and Inej swore she saw light spark in her irises. The sun did majestic things as it shone through the stain glass, Inej decided.

 

“To you as well. May light always find you.” The woman nodded and Inej smiled once more to the stranger before she made her way out the door of the chapel.

 

Inej thought, perhaps, the Saints had listened.

 

Her heart felt lighter, as if the sun had looked directly at her and smiled.

 

Inej found Kaz where she’d left him, bumping a coin across his knuckles as he leaned against the side of the building. He seemed completely unaware of the child peeking around the corner and looking at Kaz Brekker as if he was a Saint made flesh with the simple trick he was performing.

                          

Kaz Brekker: Trickster Saint.

 

Inej laughed to herself and Kaz looked up to her, quirking his head. Inej made a subtle gesture to the little boy peeking his head around for a better look at Kaz’s coin.

 

To Inej’s surprise, Kaz turned and made the coin disappear for the boy. The child’s eyes grew wide and Kaz held up a finger to his lips in a clear message: “keep it quiet”. The little boy nodded eagerly before he disappeared around the corner, content to keep the magician and his coin a secret.

 

“I think you just made that boy’s entire day.” Inej whispered to Kaz, her chest surely couldn’t hold a heart that had swelled so big.

 

“He’ll have to learn to do it himself, but he will. Eventually.” Kaz shrugged, seemingly unaware how much that small act of kindness had affected Inej’s breathing.

 

“I love you.” Inej said, surprising even herself. It was a declaration she could not hold back.

 

Kaz reached out his hand, Inej took it and was surprised when Kaz pulled her into a hug. They were in clear view of many passerby’s, but for once, it didn’t matter.

 

“I love you, Inej.” Kaz’s lips grazed the shell of her ear and it felt like lightning ignited her veins, warmth danced around her insides.

 

Inej wondered, briefly, if this is how Alina Starkov had felt when sunlight burst forth from her skin.

 

“Shall we? We need to meet my parents.” Inej asked after a moment, though she was reluctant to step out of the circle of Kaz’s arms and the warmth he brought with him.

 

“Mmm.” Kaz mumbled from above her but he let her go, keeping hold of her hand.

 

“Let’s go.” Inej smiled brightly, she was ready for the next leg of this journey.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Twenty minutes later, they entered the market district. The foot traffic was thick as stalls bartered everything from spices to silk to ravkan dolls that nested. Inej watched as Kaz soaked it in, his dark eyes were glimmering in the early afternoon sun and he kept turning his head to see something new.

 

Inej had bought the silk for his hat in this very market. It seemed like a lifetime ago, despite only being nearly a year. She’d never expected the future that would present itself to her. If only the Inej that had bought that onyx silk with shaky hands had known that Kaz would be with her the next time she walked these crowded streets.

 

They made their way past the first silk wagon, Inej didn’t recognize the vendor. She knew her parents would be waiting near the one they would bid passage on back to the suli encampment. Inej kept her eyes peeled for her father’s strong shoulders and her mother’s maroon silk shawl. She told Kaz to do the same, as the wagons never ended up in the same spot for market days.

 

Only a few minutes passed before she spotted her parents near a well-loved ware wagon, bursting with colorful silk in every shade.

 

She knew the wagon. Uncle. Uncle Rajesh.

 

“Inej!” She heard her uncle’s booming yell and her parents turned to look at her and Kaz with smiles as well. Inej let go of Kaz’s hand the moment she saw her uncle, her father’s brother. He was racing toward her, barely keeping from barreling over pedestrians. Her uncle was as tall as Jesper, if not taller, he had a long well-kept black beard that Inej had always tugged on as a child when he’d picked her up. His eyes could only be described as kind, deep and rich as the earth’s soil.

 

Inej ran forward, her heart made the jump from the wire, knowing her family would catch it.

 

Her uncle reached her and Inej did not hold back the tears that streaked down her cheeks, she didn’t care who saw. Uncle Rajesh was here, holding her steady. He picked her up easily in the tightest hug she’d ever had, Inej did not flinch. Nothing could penetrate the walls of incense and cardamom that screamed “safe”.

 

“Little girl, how we’ve missed you.” Uncle Rajesh mumbled into her hair, her native language sounded in her ears, his voice reminded her of an organ, deep and low. It was the voice that said “don’t tell papa” as he snuck her extra chocolates when she was small.

 

“I missed you, too.” Inej cried into her uncle’s shoulder. She didn’t know how long they embraced, she didn’t care. Rajesh set her down carefully and he pulled back to look at her. Inej noticed a slight line of pepper to his black hair that he kept long but tied up from his face in a knot. It was a line that had not been there when she’d been taken, it was a marker for the years passed.

 

Inej would not let more pass without seeing her family. She wanted to see these changes as they occurred, not after they’d passed. She’d visit again, she already knew it before, but now she felt sureness wrap her bones like silk.

 

Inej remembered Kaz was waiting and she turned to find him standing somewhat awkwardly a few feet away, letting her have the reunion in private. He needn’t do that, Inej decided. She wanted him here, with her. There was a small smile on his lips and his eyes met hers. The words they screamed were “You deserve this,”; Inej shook her head and held out her hand in a gesture for him to come closer. “We deserve this,” was her response that she willed forward in her eyes.

 

“Uncle Rajesh,” Inej switched to kerch, she knew her uncle understood the language as well as her parents. “This is Kaz, my avri. I’ve brought him with me to visit.” Inej beamed and her uncle straightened his shoulders. His eyes shown bright as he assessed the boy before him.

 

Oh, Uncle. Don’t do it.

 

“Pleased to meet you. You hurt her, I’ll kill you. As long as you understand that, welcome.” Uncle Rajesh said sternly, but Inej saw nothing except amusement in his rich eyes as he reached out to shake Kaz’s hand. Inej could tell her uncle was holding back a smile.

 

“Understood, Sir. I won’t, but Inej would kill me herself before you got the chance. Of that, I’m sure.” Kaz smiled politely as he gripped her uncle’s hand in a firm shake.

 

Rajesh boomed a laugh, Inej knew Kaz had already begun to win him over.

 

In that moment, her spirit felt whole.

 

“We’re almost ready to go, your papa helped me pack up for the day. We need to get on the road, snow will be here within hours. I can’t believe you’re here.” Uncle Rajesh turned back to Inej with a pearly white grin and she nodded eagerly. She was still nervous, she knew there were many hard conversations to have, but excitement was a far better sword master in the war of her emotions.

 

“You two take up the back of the wagon. We’ll be off in a few minutes.” Rajesh continued. Inej was grateful he’d spoke in kerch; her uncle was always polite. He wanted Kaz to understand as much as she.

 

Her uncle bent and placed a kiss to her head before he loped off back to where her parents still stood, smiling and waiting for them.

 

“I think I like him.” Kaz said when Inej turned back to him.

 

“I think you two will get along just fine.” Inej laughed and she reached out her hand for Kaz. He gripped his cane’s head once, steeling himself. She knew how to recognize nerves in Kaz now, it was always subtle.

 

“Take this journey with me, Kaz.” Inej smiled and wiggled her fingers in wait.

 

“Always.” Kaz answered and he took her hand. She knew he meant it when he squeezed her fingers gently.

 

Inej walked forward into a beautiful collision of her past and her future. Her past waited near a wagon of colorful silks, smiles on their faces. Her future walked beside her, clad in black, but filled with every color that wagon could hold.

 

Kaz was gold, because the sun deemed it so as it shined in his eyes.

 

Kaz was gray, because of the kindness he hid under harsh lines.

 

Kaz was red, because of the violence she’d found comfort in.

 

Kaz was every color that lined her soul. Her equal, her match. Her future.  

Chapter 55: The Place of the Fearless

Summary:

A welcome, an introduction, and a realization.

Notes:

Chapter 55!!!

Okay y'all, so sorry for the wait. I've actually had this written for a day but I had no time to edit before tonight and I didn't want to publish something unedited for you all- it's not my style. So i hope you understand and I hope it's worth the wait, it's a 6k word update so it's longer for you all! Yay! I really hope you love it, it's just the beginning.

Thank you for your patience and for every bit of support you guys show me. It means everything.

Drop me a comment with your thoughts and feelings! I love chatting with you all!

"She is the Sunlight" by Trading Yesterday. (End of the chapter. It's perfect for the last bit, in my opinion. Hope you love it!)

KAZ

 

            There was color, everywhere. Kaz didn’t think he’d seen so many shades of indigo, emerald or silver in his entire life.

 

            It was a good thing Jesper wasn’t suli, Kaz decided. His wardrobe wouldn’t have been able to handle it.

 

            Kaz was sat next to Inej on the back of a ware wagon, her legs dangled off the edge as her eyes traced the ravkan scenery that passed by. The silks were strapped down behind them from her uncle’s day at the market in Os Kervo, but the occasional loose piece fluttered out and caught the wind, desperate to make a break for it. The wagon was pulled by four horses and Kaz was thankful they hadn’t had to walk the journey to the caravans, the roof of the wagon offered protection from the first falling flakes of snow. His leg was warning him of the oncoming weather, growing somewhat stiff in the chill. Kaz wasn’t cold, though. There was something refreshing about the wind in Ravka, something different from both Ketterdam and the sea.

 

It reminded him of Lij, wide open fields and clear sky. It was something his lungs hadn’t experienced in years. He found himself taking deep breaths, as if he could store the air within himself as a reserve, a souvenir to breathe when he returned to Ketterdam.

 

“Do you see those cliffs, over there?” Inej flicked a bronze wrist toward the coast line that followed their path up a hill side outside of Os Kervo. Kaz heard Sharya laugh somewhere toward the front of the wagon, her parents had elected to sit outside, up front with her uncle. Kaz was grateful, if he was honest. Inej was the only person he wanted around him right now while he took in so many new sights. They’d have plenty of time with others over the course of the upcoming weeks, he wanted to soak up this moment of solitude with her. It had been three bells since they’d climbed up into the wagon, Inej’s uncle predicted the ride to take about four; due to the slightly muddy terrain on the worn path to the Suli’s chosen winter encampment. Rajesh had told them he’d been in Os Kervo for two days selling silks, he was also eager to return home.

 

“Yes, the ones that surely have jagged rocks beneath them?” Kaz quipped as he leaned back on his hands. Inej chuckled.

 

“Yes, those ones. That’s where I first climbed. It wasn’t in Ketterdam, it was there. I probably shouldn’t have, but Khalid dared me when I was twelve to climb down to the sea and back. My parents still don’t know I did it.” Inej’s eyes raked over the cliffs as they passed. He imagined Inej, a few years younger than when he’d met her, wild, free. Taking reckless dares just because she could. He loved her for it.

           

“I’m glad you didn’t fall to your untimely death, Wraith.” Kaz rasped and it resulted in a smack to his knee from Inej. He laughed as she jutted her lip, her own version of pouting.

 

Moments passed in their easy sort of silence until Inej spoke up once more.

 

“What if I’m wrong and I can’t do this, Kaz?” Inej whispered, her voice was somewhere far away, perhaps all the way back in the Menagerie in Ketterdam. Kaz hadn’t been expecting her fear to rise now, he wanted her to stay excited.

 

“You can do it, Inej. That’s not the question. It’s whether you want to. I think you do, but didn’t you always say fear told us something was about to happen?” He paused with a flick of his gaze to her face. “I think, in this case, it’s something good. Fear is warning you that it will be difficult, but you survived telling your parents. You’ll survive the rest, and I’ll be there, too. It’s up to you how much you want to tell them, including about your time with me, if that helps.” Kaz didn’t hold back, he wanted her to know that if she didn’t want to disclose her job during her time in the Dregs, he understood. He wanted her to know he would not judge, hell, how could he? He sure as hell didn’t deserve her, he didn’t deserve to even be here. But he was, and he would do the best he could to be a man who could support her. It was enough for Kaz that her parents knew the truth, about her, about him. The paths they chose. Kaz still didn’t understand how her parents accepted him, but he was only grateful to whatever deity may or may not exist.

 

“It’s not about telling them the truth. It’s about how they look at me after. I’m better than I was, before I was stolen. Sometimes, I think that’s how it works. Something breaks and when you put it back together, it’s better than it was before; because of the new pieces, the glue, the scratch marks. Isn’t that why they say old broken and fixed things have character? I want them to see the character I gained.” Inej mused, a wistful smile danced across her lips.

 

“They will, Inej. They will.” Kaz looked over her, hair coming lose from her braid in the wind, bronze skin flushed, legs swaying absentmindedly.

 

How could anyone not see this woman for what she was? Beautiful, dangerous, clever, and strong willed. If anyone thought differently, Kaz was sure they’d have to be blind and deaf. Inej was the sea, an untamable spirit with so much depth that no person would ever uncover every inch of her soul. Kaz was content to spend his whole life trying.

 

“Since when did you learn to throw my words back at me?” Inej laughed. He knew she’d meant what he’d just said about fear.

 

“Since you gave me so many to think on. What was it you said once? Quiet contemplation?” Kaz jested and Inej leaned back on her own hands beside him, a chuckle escaped her lips.

 

“Stop it, it’s terribly annoying.” Inej mused.

 

“You throw my own words back at me, fair is fair, Wraith. Equals, no?” Kaz jested.

 

“Stop that too, I hate it when you’re right.” Inej laughed thelaugh.

 

Kaz wondered then, when it would be reasonable to kiss her senseless. Surely not in the view of her family.

 

Now. Now seemed like a good option.

 

Kaz lifted his arm in a gesture for Inej to come closer. She didn’t hesitate to burrow into his side with his arm wrapped around her shoulder. Kaz tipped her chin up with a glove clad finger.

 

“Kiss me.” Kaz whispered to her.

 

“And if I refuse?” Inej smirked, his finger had not dropped from her chin.

 

“Then it shall pain both of us when I’m in a miserable mood the rest of this wagon ride.” Kaz returned her smirk when she huffed a breath, her lips betraying her with an upturned quirk.

 

“Oh, no. This is you in a good mood?” Inej jested, they’d both leaned in, their breath intermingled. Kaz hardly heard what she said, his eyes focused on the way her tongue darted out and wet her lip.

 

Inej was both saint and devil, gifted in beautiful torture.

 

“Mmm.” Kaz hummed noncommittally, it earned him a brilliant smile from Inej. She knew he’d stopped listening.

 

Then her lips captured his in a soft, but desperate kiss. His arm tightened around her gently. He felt her hand come up to his face, she let her hand splay against his cheek, finger tips moving slightly over his jaw. It was one of the most relaxing things that Kaz had ever felt.

 

“Ten minutes!” Kaz heard Sharya shout from the front of the wagon, tone laced in sheer elation. Inej pulled away from his lips when she heard her mother’s shout, but she leaned in once more and pecked his lips softly.

 

“I will make this up to you as well, tonight.” Inej whispered in his ear and Kaz damn near audibly groaned. Inej whispering in his ear had profound effects and he could not contemplate it further.

 

Inej had nothing to make up to him, but he’d gladly accept her lips anytime she offered.

 

                                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

           

            Kaz hadn’t known what to expect as they descended the hillside, the wagon moved on a path that wound through trees larger than any Kaz had seen in Kerch; they were closer to Fjerda’s native greenery. Kaz hadn’t realized the encampment would be in the woods, he suspected there must be a large clearing ahead if the caravans had settled somewhere so heavily forested. Inej was smiling wide, watching the trees move past. It was still afternoon, sometime around four bells if Kaz had to guess, but the sky had grown heavy with snow, dim. It felt like evening. Kaz noticed the brush of snowflakes flittering to the ground and dusting up in the wake of their wagon’s wheels.

 

“I’m here. I’m really here.” Inej whispered, seemingly more to herself than him. There was a disbelieving note to her tone as the wagon stopped. Behind the wagon, Kaz saw nothing but forest, but as he climbed down from their spot amongst the silks, Kaz heard voices, many voices. He heard a bark of a dog, the crackle of a fire. Life. He still felt the breeze from the coast, that must be why the suli chose the forest, it kept much of the coastal winds at bay.

 

Kaz followed Inej around the side of the wagon and when he looked past her and her family, he caught his first glimpse of the Suli caravans.

 

He did not expect what he saw. Perhaps hundreds of wagons, caravans and carriages were scattered in a huge clearing, surrounded by the Pine trees he’d seen on their way in. There were paper lanterns in every color hung in strings above him, tied from the trees and swaying in the light breeze all the way across the clearing. Violet, burgundy, navy, gold. There were glass lanterns hung from hooks above steps that led to domed doors in the sides of the caravans. As far as Kaz could see, the clearing was cast in an ethereal warm glow of lantern and fire light.

 

If magic was real, the suli were its wielders.

 

The caravans themselves looked to be roofed wagons, but with stairs and doors and windows, everything that marked a home. Kaz saw a group of boys around twenty yards away from them, perhaps a thirteen or fourteen years old, they were tossing a ball of some sort around, sending each other falling into the slight dust of snow as they chased after it. It was then that Kaz really noticed the people, there were people everywhere, yet it felt open, not congested. There was a couple that looked to be his and Inej’s age walking arm in arm on their way to somewhere Kaz couldn’t begin to guess. It was a whole village, a whole people and culture within a forest clearing. Purple coats, black hair, golden skin. Different shades of the world unified in one place.

 

Incense blasted his senses, it mixed with the Pine trees and Kaz realized it smelled like Inej, somehow. The scent screamed “her.” His heart kicked up in tempo with every inhale.

 

There were no words except “beautiful” that could describe the place Inej had brought him to. He felt like a boy again, the same way he’d felt when he’d first heard Inej laugh. He felt eager to love, eager to live.

 

“Kaz?” Inej was giggling. Kaz dragged his eyes away from the clearing and found Inej smiling like he’d never seen before. It felt like it was only for him. A smile that promised the future.

 

“Yes?” Kaz rasped his lips barely forming the word.

 

“I’ve been trying to get your attention for a minute.” Inej grinned as she flicked her gaze between him and the camp before them.

 

“It’s even more beautiful than I remembered.” Inej whispered, he saw tears streaking down her cheeks, though her smile was permanently fixed on her mouth. These were tears of joy; he’d seen them twice today. First with her uncle, and now, with her people.

 

“You’re more beautiful than I imagined.” Kaz whispered in return, he didn’t mean to say the words aloud, but he couldn’t be bothered to care when Inej reached for his hand.

 

“Welcome, Kaz, to Aska Vasman.” Sharya Ghafa came to stand beside them.

 

“Aska Vasman is what we call wherever we camp, it means ‘place of the fearless’.” Inej mumbled to him when he quirked his head.

 

Place of the fearless. It suited Inej. Kaz wondered, could it suit him too? He found he wanted to know.

 

“Welcome, Mr. Brekker. I hope you like our “city” as much as your own. Then maybe our daughter will be persuaded to visit her favorite father more.” Kahir voiced after he’d helped Rajesh unload their bags and stack them nearby.

 

“Thank you.” Kaz answered in suli and he decided it was worth the uncomfortable pull in his throat over the words when both Sharya and Kahir beamed back at him. Inej squeezed his hand and he resisted the urge to look back to her.

 

“Come, we will go to our caravan first, then we will take you to yours.” Sharya looped her arms through both his own and Inej’s. He didn’t mind, even as it broke his link to Inej. Her mother wanted to walk into the encampment with him, he’d have no greater honor. Kaz realized then, that he felt truly welcome. He let Sharya lead and his cane made no noise on the well-trodden ground.

 

“Ours? Mama, won’t we be staying in the guest bed? Or the loft?” Inej asked her mother.

 

“No.” Sharya smiled to her daughter, aware it was a vague and simple answer. Inej raised her eyebrows but seemed to trust her mother had found them another arrangement. Kaz would sleep on the ground if he had to; he’d had worse arrangements. As long as Inej was there.

 

Kaz walked with Inej and Sharya, he heard her father and uncle talking a few paces behind them, her uncle laughed when his brother said something in suli. Kaz also felt eyes on them as they passed, eyes on him. He was never more aware that he was pale. Though, Kaz realized, there were many different ethnicities in the camp, he was not the only pale skinned person. He spotted a zemini woman walking hand in hand with a suli woman. He saw a kaelish man with a suli woman and a striking daughter who had pale skin and rich black hair, a strange and wonderful combination of genes.

 

Kaz realized he was being looked at because of who he walked with, perhaps somewhat because of his suit and cane as well. He didn’t mind, many people stared in Ketterdam. Though, he had his monstrous reputation to thank for those eyes. Here, he was just new. Unexpected.

 

Kaz didn’t know why he’d expected Inej to be greeted by her family right away, but he realized that it made sense that no one had been waiting for them. Her parents had not expected himself and their daughter to accompany them back to Ravka. Inej’s family had no idea to expect her return.

 

As soon as Kaz had the thought, there was a large crash on the steps of a caravan to his right, a suli man with sharp features, black hair, and deep emerald green eyes had dropped an entire pitcher of water when he’d spotted their group walking by. The man looked to be around Kaz’s age and height, he wore a navy colored shirt that hugged his torso tightly and black pants. Kaz suspected it was the material used for acrobatics, like Inej’s leggings.

 

“INEJ!” The man yelled as he jumped over shattered pieces of glass from his pitcher, he moved with the same grace Kaz recognized in Inej. It was strange to see it in someone else, particularly a tall man. Then again, Kaz had also seen it in Kahir Ghafa.

 

Sharya was beaming as she dropped both Inej and Kaz’s arms. Kaz realized she had brought them this direction for a reason, to see whomever this suli man was.

 

Inej was swept off her feet by the man and Kaz had no idea who he was, but Kaz saw it happen. Inej flinched when the man wrapped his arms around her before she relaxed and gripped the man just as tight as he held her.

 

“Khalid!” Inej shouted and she launched herself up, letting Khalid pick her up off her feet.

 

Her best friend. This was Khalid, whom Inej spoke of during their time on the ship from Ketterdam. The friend who’d dared her to climb the cliffs.

 

Kaz watched as Inej shrieked and talked faster than he’d ever seen her speak, she was bouncing on her feet the moment Khalid set her down, Khalid was talking just as fast. Khalid pressed his forehead to Inej’s and Kaz watched as the two had a conversation all their own, seeming to forget the rest of the world. Kaz was glad he knew who Khalid was before he’d seen this; they looked like they could have been lovers. Kaz knew somewhere in him that he would have been feeling territorial if he hadn’t known Khalid was married to Inej’s very much male cousin.

 

“Best friends since the time Inej could walk.” Sharya murmured to Kaz and he didn’t hide his smile. Inej deserved this, she deserved the world. He’d never seen her smile so much in one day, he wanted to give her as many days like this as he could. He promised himself that would be his vow to Inej. As many smiles as possible, if he could help it. Kaz realized that Rajesh and Kahir had disappeared, leaving only himself and Sharya looking on to the reunion long overdue.

 

“Kaz!” Inej turned and smiled like she’d never seen him before, it made wings take flight in his stomach. It was a smile to remember.

 

Kaz nodded to Sharya before he walked to his girl and her best friend. This was one of the introductions he’d been most nervous for, but it seemed his nerves had forgotten to stay present in the light of Inej’s smile, he felt only a pleasant warmth in his chest as he took her outstretched hand.

 

“Khalid, Kaz. Kaz, Khalid. Kaz is my avri, he made the journey with me.” Inej gestured between himself and Khalid, whom Kaz realized matched him almost exactly in height.

 

“Nice to meet you, Inej has spoken of you highly in the past two minutes. You were the first thing she blabbed about despite not seeing me in four years, you must be important.” Khalid laughed boyish and gleeful, much different than that of her father and uncle. Khalid’s voice reminded Kaz of Jesper, somehow. Though Khalid’s accent was thick when he spoke in kerch. Inej was blushing profusely as she smacked Khalid’s shoulder and muttered something like “nothing is sacred” with a grin.

 

Kaz laughed right alongside Khalid and it only fueled the flush trailing down Inej’s cheekbones. Kaz offered Khalid a hand and the man gripped his firmly.

 

“Inej has told me nothing but good things of you as well.” Kaz said, willing his graveled voice to sound polite.

 

“Kaz found my parents for me, when… well I’ll tell you later.” Inej flicked her wrist, waving off the long story for now. Khalid nodded but he was already beaming at his best friend again.

 

“Have you seen Rahul yet? Oh, he’s going to scream. I will find him and-” Inej cut Khalid off with a raised hand. Kaz remembered that Rahul was Inej’s cousin, Khalid’s husband.

 

“Not yet. We were not expected, obviously. We came back from Kerch with my parents. I promise we’ll see everyone, but Mama was going to get us situated. If I’m honest, I could use a bath after a week of travel. We’ll see you tonight, I promise.” Inej smiled softly and gripped both of Khalid’s hands with her own, a promise and a confirmation, Kaz realized. Kaz wasn’t sure what the night held yet, but he was sure there were many, many, more reunions ahead of Inej, and introductions for himself. Once, Kaz would have been completely uninterested, he would have detested the idea of being here at all, away from the Dregs, from his city; especially when there was no profit to be made on this trip. It was a stark contrast to his feelings now, while he still thought of work every few minutes, he was also not feeling nearly as unnerved being away from Ketterdam as he thought he would have. It was a pleasant sort of realization.

 

“I can’t believe you’re here. You’ve come back.” Khalid’s eyes were watering as he looked over Inej, seeming to reassure himself that his friend was truly before him, flesh and bone. Kaz began to step away before Inej reached for his hand once more.

 

“We have much to catch up on, we’ll have time.” Inej smiled to her friend once more, just as Sharya made her way to their group and said something in suli. Kaz was fairly sure Sharya asked Khalid to wait until later to talk more with Inej as he nodded and gripped Inej in a hug once more, Inej did not drop Kaz’s hand, she used only one arm to return the embrace. Kaz knew why, she was still shaken from when she’d flinched. He felt her nervousness in her squeeze of his hand. Inej was leaning on him for comfort, he’d be there.

 

A few minutes later, Sharya had led them to a caravan that was at least ten yards away from any others. Inej smiled as soon as she saw it, he knew it must be the caravan that belonged to her parents. It was long and made of a rich and dark wood, the front lantern that hung above the door had already been lit, Kahir must have already returned. Kaz knew Inej’s uncle and father must have grabbed their bags, Kaz was grateful to not put the extra weight on his leg, which was now throbbing more than he’d hoped. They’d traveled for many bells in the cold, and his leg was protesting the snowfall. Kaz noticed elegant swirls carved into the wood of the nomadic house. As they neared the caravan, he recognized they were words, suli words etched into the grain, formatted in a long handed script. He noticed one word as they neared the steps, one name. ‘Ghafa’. Kaz followed Inej and Sharya up to the front of their family home, three small steps led to a deep violet door, he watched as Inej touched the doorframe, her movements wistful. Kaz saw a thousand memories pass through her irises in the span of a moment.

 

“We’re only stopping here to get your father, you’ll come here for dinner.” Sharya said to Inej and Inej raised her eyebrows.

 

“I can’t come in now?” Inej looked like she might cry, she wanted to see her childhood home.

 

“You will tonight, little girl. I have a surprise and you must wait. I’ll be right back with your father.” Sharya shuffled in front of her daughter, dark eyes alight with happiness. Inej rolled her eyes but let her mother pass into the caravan without her. Kaz didn’t even glimpse the inside as Sharya slipped in and shut the door behind her. Kaz didn’t mind as he stood on the pathway a few feet back. He was too focused on balancing most of his weight on his cane. His leg was becoming angry, it was rare, but it happened. He suspected it was from the walking they’d done in Os Kervo, in combination with a week of balancing with the ship’s constant rocking. The onset of Ravkan winter probably didn’t help, either.

 

“She did not let me come in.” Inej was frowning at the closed door.

 

“She has her reasons.” Kaz managed through grit teeth, he brought a hand down to his knee. Slightly swollen. He shut his eyes as he let a sharp burst of pain pass.

 

“Are you alright?” Inej was in front of him now, of course he hadn’t heard her come down the steps from the caravan.

 

“Yes, just a little sore.” Kaz hadn’t wanted to admit it, but he knew Inej would know if he lied anyways. He didn’t want her worrying about him, he didn’t want to be worrying about himself, either.

 

“Kaz.” Inej was looking at him and he avoided her eyes entirely. He didn’t want to see her look; he knew it well. She’d given it to him a thousand times when he’d pushed himself to exhaustion, strained his leg, or refused a meal in favor of work or a job. Inej wanted him to admit his limits, but he would not. Not right now.

 

“Inej.” Kaz responded as he dusted an imaginary piece of lint off his shoulder.

 

He heard Inej huff. Sharya and Kahir Ghafa saved him from talking his way out of an interrogation on his health from Inej.

 

“Follow us.” Kahir was beaming to his daughter and Kaz noticed Sharya hiding a smile too. Kaz hoped they were not walking far. Inej lifted his arm around her shoulders and she put hers around his middle, seemingly casual. Inej was lending him a way to relieve his leg of some of his weight. He hated it, but he was in no form to refuse her help.

 

Thankfully, they did not walk far. Behind her parent’s caravan, only a few yards down a path through two pine trees, was another caravan. Inej stopped them as they approached the wagon. Her eyes went wide.

 

“Whose is this? We don’t need a whole place, Papa. A bed is fine.” Inej moved away from Kaz as she looked between her parents.

 

“It is yours, mera tarre.” Kahir gestured with his hand to the caravan, it was smaller than her parent’s own home, but made of the same rich wood. There was a lantern lit above its steps as well, offering the small and private clearing a hint of warmth in the cold winter light, which was now beginning to fade, Kaz noticed.

 

“What?” Inej’s eyes darted between her parents again. Kaz was as surprised as Inej, though he assumed he’d missed something.

 

“We never stopped building it, we prayed to the Saints for your return, and here you are, sweet girl.” Sharya placed a hand on Inej’s shoulder.

 

“Mama, Papa… I can’t accept, I won’t be here often enough to have my own, you’ll have to move it and hitch it to yours and I can’t-” Inej was flustered as her father placed both of his hands on her shoulders.

 

“We built it for you. You can accept and you will. We know you won’t be here often, but now you have your own place when you return, when both of you return.” Kahir smiled in Kaz’s direction and Kaz managed a smile in return, he knew her parents spoke in kerch for him, he was grateful but he wondered if this was a private moment, a gift for Inej from her parents.

 

“It’s ours.” Inej whispered as she gazed up to the caravan standing between both her parents.

 

Kaz couldn’t believe it either, he felt warmth flood his veins when Inej said ‘ours’.

“It’s for both of you. We want you to always have a place amongst us. We started building when you were twelve, do you remember, little one? It is tradition. You are of age, you will have your own caravan.” Kahir grinned to his daughter and Inej hiccupped a sob as she nodded. Kaz could tell this meant much more than he could begin to realize.

 

“Thank you, Mama. Thank you, Papa.” Inej mumbled so softly that Kaz barely heard her.

 

“I added black curtains after we met Kaz the first time.” Sharya turned her head to look at Kaz. He didn’t know what the black curtains meant when she smiled. He must have let his confusion show on his face because Sharya continued.

 

“Your favorite is black, I suspected you would come here, too.” Sharya smiled and Kaz understood.

 

Inej’s mother had thought of him, when adding décor to the inside of this caravan too. Even though he and Inej had not been together when he’d first met her parents, Sharya had decided he and Inej were not just friends. She’d considered him before he’d ever dreamed of this future he was now living.

 

It was everything Kaz could never earn, everything he never deserved. It was everything, just everything.

 

“I don’t know what to say. I can’t… I hope I can repay you.” Kaz stuttered. It was new. He’d never been at a complete loss for words.

 

“You repaid us by bringing our daughter back to us.” Kahir responded before Sharya and Kaz saw the genuineness of Inej’s father’s words in his deep eyes.

 

Kaz’s chest felt tight, he didn’t know how he’d gotten to this part. How had he gotten the girl? How had her family accepted him? How had he gotten here without a single scheme?

 

“Can we go in?” Inej whispered, Kaz noticed she was still staring at the caravan as if it was more wraith than she, an illusion made of wind and smoke.

 

“Keys.” Sharya produced two keys to the caravan from the pocket of her pants and handed one to Inej. Sharya held out her bronze hand and the other key to Kaz.

 

Kaz thought his heart stopped. He had a key to another place besides his attic, his office. It was another place to be shared with only Inej, a place all their own.

 

“Thank you.” Kaz took the key from her and Sharya and Kahir both smiled as they watched Inej walk up the steps to her-their-caravan.

 

“Go.” Sharya whispered to Kaz and he made his legs work as he followed Inej up the stairs. He turned to find Sharya and Kahir walking back down the path from which they came, hand in hand.

 

The Ghafa’s wanted him and Inej to go in together, alone.

 

Inej unlocked the navy door. Kaz hadn’t even known what to expect, but it was more than he could have imagined. Inside, there was a wood-burning stove to his right, lit already and warming his bones as soon as they entered.

 

There was a bed, directly in the back of the caravan, twice the size of the one they shared in his attic. There were burgundy sheets and throw pillows made of silk in a multitude of colors scattered around the mattress. There were lanterns hanging from hooks on the walls on either side of the long, open room. There was a claw-foot bathtub in a small alcove to his left. Next to the tub was a small sink basin, he noticed black curtains tied to the side that could be let loose for privacy in the bathing area. Next to the basin, he noticed a door that looked like it led to a toilet and shower closet. There was a small chaise and floor cushions in the center of the space, a small round table sat in the middle of the arrangement, low to the ground. There were plush rugs under his feet, patterns and colors mixing together in a way that somehow made the room even more comfortable. He saw their bags placed next to a small dresser near the bed. There was also a trunk and a clothing rack tucked away against the wall, hangers waiting for his suits.

 

“It’s ours.” Inej repeated as she stood frozen in front of him. Kaz gently shut the door behind them before he moved to Inej.

 

“Just us, Inej.” Kaz whispered when he stood in front of her. Her eyes looked up to him and she leaned into his chest. Kaz wrapped his arms around her as they stood in the middle of their caravan. She cried. Inej cried into his chest and he knew they were tears of joy, tears of profound loss for all the years she’d missed and lastly, disbelief. He held her tight and gently pulled her to the bed with him, carefully avoiding the floor cushions. The room was narrow, but somehow still open, comfortable. Not claustrophobic.

 

Kaz’s leg said prayers as he finally sat down on the edge of the mattress. Inej sat with him as she wiped tears away from her eyes with the backs of her hands.

 

“It’s tradition. I was to help my father design and build my own caravan. It was only a pile of wood when I was taken, we were supposed to have years to finish it before I was eighteen, together.” Inej said quietly.

 

Kaz understood better, then. This was the caravan Inej had dreamed of for herself, something that she had wanted to help build with her father, but it had been taken from her.

 

“A new tradition then, when we come here, we will bring a new addition to it every time. Maybe a bird feeder, for out on the steps? I doubt your crows will be pleased if you associate with other birds, but I won’t tell them if you don’t.” Kaz mused to Inej, he just wanted her to smile again. He wanted her to realize that they would make it theirs, that it would be just as important as if she’d been able to help her father build it.

 

“I’d like that very much.” Inej croaked but a smile had returned to her face.

 

“Hold me together, Kaz.” Inej whispered after a moment. Kaz didn’t know how long they had before they’d need to go back outside of this warm, private space and face the world; but he knew Inej was overwhelmed. He was, too.

 

Kaz kicked off his shoes and pushed himself back on the bed, he felt Inej’s eyes following his movements.

 

“Come here.” Kaz rasped as he laid down.

 

Inej kicked off her own boots before she crawled up to him and moved carefully into his side, avoiding shifting his leg. She laid her head on his chest and he wrapped both arms around her as he stared at the wooden ceiling.

 

“Welcome home, Inej.” Kaz mumbled as he pressed a kiss to her hair.

 

“I’ve been home, Kaz. You know that.” Inej whispered, her voice muffled by his jacket.

 

“We’re both here, that makes this caravan home too, though. Doesn’t it?” Kaz whispered in return.

 

Inej tightened her hold on him with the arm she had draped across his abdomen.

 

“We’re here.” Inej whispered once more.

 

“We’re here.” Kaz confirmed.

 

“Thank you.” Inej’s voice sounded content, warm.

 

“For what?” Kaz asked, he hadn’t a clue what she felt gratitude to him for in this moment.

 

“For fighting. For being exactly as you are. I’d have you no other way.” Inej whispered as she lifted her head from his chest and emphasized her words with a gentle kiss to his forehead.

 

Kaz gripped her tightly as she laid back down to his chest. Surely, she could hear his twisted heart beating its fastest rhythm.

 

Kaz would like to ask her, someday. He decided right then, in the middle of their new caravan. It was an unexpected realization that barreled into his heart at the speed of a landslide. He decided he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, and he would ask her to do the same, in whatever official or unofficial way she wanted. Kaz would wait, he would keep fighting their demons alongside her; they had battles to fight and wars to win, first. But, that day would come; the day he could ask her to be his avri for eternity, without fear of being bare in mind, body or soul. He’d never been more sure of anything in his entire life.

Chapter 56: Somewhere in the Embers

Summary:

Barriers crossed, new pieces.

Notes:

Chapter 56!

Oh wow. Guys. I'm so excited for you to read this one, I hope you love it. It's maybe the longest update I've done, near 7k words. I really really hope it lives up to your hopes, I had less time to edit but I'm still very proud of this piece. Ahhh! I can't believe we're reaching these scenes I've always been building up to. I'm so excited.

Thank you, as always. I'll never stop saying it. You guys are the best.

PS- there is a scene here that relates heavily to Inej's trauma, but it's super positive. I did want to throw a warning out there though.

"Someone to You" by Banners. The end part. It's all I'll say. Hope you enjoy. <3

INEJ

 

            There was a knock on the door of the caravan. Kaz groaned from beneath her head, she felt the rumble of his chest. They’d only been laying down for a few minutes but Inej suspected it was her mother or father, coming to make sure they knew when to go up to the camp for dinner.

 

            “I’ve got it.” Inej lifted her head from Kaz’s chest and she felt him reach for her hand, he pulled her back and she giggled at his insistence.

 

            “They’ll go away, eventually.” Kaz whispered in her ear.

 

            “You don’t know them as well as I do, they will not.” Inej whispered back and Kaz sighed as he let her go.

 

            Kaz was feeling needy. It was a new side of him that Inej was going to have to explore further at the soonest possible opportunity.

 

            Inej stood and walked across the room to the door. She heard Kaz sit up to the end of the mattress behind her. Inej opened it to find Mama standing there with a bag under her arm.

 

            “I wanted to make sure you both have everything you need, and let you know dinner will be in an hour, seven bells sharp.” Mama grinned and Inej gestured for her to come in. It was strange, having a caravan of her own to invite her mother into, Inej liked the feeling very much.

 

            “How is your leg?” Mama asked as she set the bag she’d brought down on the small table in the center of the room. She turned her attention to Kaz.

 

            “Oh, it’s fine.” Kaz answered her mother but Inej knew he did not stand because his leg was still sore, clearly her mother had noticed as well. Inej noticed now that Kaz’s ears reddened slightly, while his pale skin on his face did not betray his embarrassment, clearly his ears did not stay in line. Inej thought she’d have to remember this small tell of Kaz’s.

 

            “No lies. I brought you ice. We have an ice chest that’s easy in the winters to keep full, and no, I did not ask if you wanted it.” Sharya looked at Kaz sternly and Inej felt a bubble of laughter rising in her throat. Mama had given her that same stern look a million times as she’d grown up. Kaz was being mothered.

 

            “Yes ma’am.” Kaz nodded and Inej noticed a sheepish smile on his lips as he looked back at her mother. Mama nodded, satisfied with his response. Sharya took a small cloth bundle out of the bag she’d brought with her, she passed it to Kaz. Inej heard the ice shift around within it. Kaz settled the ice on his bad knee and Inej saw him grimace for a moment at the slight weight before he visibly relaxed, tension leaving his shoulders as the ice worked it’s magic.

 

“Thank you.” Kaz rasped and Mama waved him off with a bronze wrist.

 

“Ice it until dinner and you’ll have a much better time.” Mama said before she turned back to Inej.

 

“I thought it might be better to keep dinner tonight small, since you have two weeks and will see everyone in due time, so just a few of us tonight.” Mama said with a smile, Inej noticed she’d changed her diamond in her nose in favor for an amethyst stud. Inej wondered if she’d remembered to pack her own nose ring.

 

“Mama, your definition of small and mine are two different things.” Inej chuckled when her mother raised her dark brows. Inej heard a soft laugh come from Kaz under his breath.

 

“Oh, well just a few of us.” Mama avoided Inej’s eyes as she dug back into the bag on the table.

 

“Who will be there tonight?” Inej pushed, she wanted to know who she’d see on her first night back. She knew her parents would have invited Khalid and cousin Rahul, Uncle Rajesh. It was a toss-up between twenty or thirty others.

 

“Your uncle, cousin Pari and Sai, you remember Sai? He’s her husband now. They just had their daughter this spring, her name is Mahira. I told you that didn’t I? Oh, and of course your Nani.” Mama said as she unpacked several other small bundles from the bag. Inej wanted to groan, she was excited to see everyone, that wasn’t the problem. She knew her Nani, her grandmother, would expect her to wear a skirt. That was Inej’s problem.

 

“I saw that look; you could appease your grandmother this once. You have not seen her in years and she will be so thrilled to see you.” Mama pleaded Inej with her eyes. Inej sighed and she felt Kaz’s eyes on her but she was grateful he kept his mouth shut. Inej also knew that her grandmother would bite her own daughter’s head off if Mama did not at the least try to swindle Inej into being more feminine.

 

“I will think on it, Mama. But I do not have any skirts. I could wear my silk pants. You understand now, why can’t Nani? Maybe she won’t notice. She’ll be too happy to see me.” Inej tried with a hopeful grin but her mother was already shaking her head.

 

“I brought you two to choose from. It’s exactly why you should try for her, little one. She’s even older now, you know how happy it would make her.” Mama gestured to a larger cloth bag on the table and Inej released a heavy sigh.

 

“Fine. Fine!” Inej threw up her hands in mock surrender. Mama laughed as she placed a kiss to Inej’s cheek.

 

“Thank you, my girl. I think you will like one of the options.” Mama beamed and Inej heard another soft chuckle from Kaz, who had listened intently to the entire exchange. Inej doubted she would like a skirt, but she’d try for Mama.

 

“Oh! There’s something else here too. For you, Kaz.” Mama picked up a small box she’d placed on the table. Mama moved and passed the box to Kaz. Inej saw Kaz’s eyebrows raise but he took the box nonetheless.

 

Kaz opened the box and Inej saw his eyes widen, he traced a finger along its contents. Inej moved closer to get a better look.

 

“Do you like it? You needed something silk if you’ll be here with us, now.” Mama grinned to Kaz.

 

“I- yes. Thank you. You didn’t have to.” Kaz looked up to her mother and Inej caught a glimpse of what her mother had gifted him. It was a tie, made of suli silk. It was a deep crimson color, but Inej noticed the detail that Kaz had traced. There was a crow head, a copy of the likeness on his cane, etched into the very bottom of the tie. It wouldn’t be visible with his blazer latched shut, it was a private detail. A detail only for him.

 

“I don’t have to do anything, but I wanted to.” Mama said gently and placed a bronze hand on Kaz’s shoulder before she moved away. Inej watched as Kaz stared down at the tie in the box, there was a very similar look on his face to when she’d given him his new hat, after she first returned to Ketterdam. It was a look of pure disbelief.

 

“You need to do something about your hair, daughter.” Mama laughed and Inej quirked her head before she moved to look in the mirror above the sink basin. Sure enough, hair had escaped her braid and was mussed beyond belief from when she’d been laying her head on Kaz’s chest.

 

Damn her mother and Kaz. Neither of them had said anything until now.

 

“Why didn’t either of you say anything?” Inej chuckled as she began coaxing the braid out of her hair.

 

She didn’t miss the private grins between her mother and Kaz. Conspiratorial, that’s what it was.

 

“I’ll be back in forty minutes, I’ll help you finish getting ready and we’ll walk up together.” Mama moved toward the door and flashed her and Kaz both a brilliant smile before the door to the caravan shut gently behind her.

 

“I have to wear a skirt.” Inej released a heavy sigh as she moved to the table her mother had left the cloth bag on.

 

“You don’t have to do anything. You already chose to do it.” Kaz quipped. Inej wanted to throttle him, but there was still that underlying part of herself that desired to do anything but throttle him. He smiled a crooked thing, as if he could read her mind. Inej rolled her eyes as she opened the bag and pulled out her first option. She recognized it immediately, it was the matching silk skirt to her blue top, the one she’d worn in Ketterdam on the night before her second sea voyage. Mama had given her the entire ensemble on her parents first trip to Ketterdam, when they’d reunited. Inej had sent the skirt home with Mama knowing she wouldn’t wear it, even if she had a reason to dress up.

 

Inej was grateful her mother had come around and now understood that Inej was not going to give in and wear skirts regularly. She knew her mother was only asking her to do it for Nani. Inej set the first option to the side before she reached back into the bag and pulled out a second bundle.

 

Black, a black skirt that was cut open down the front. Inej understood now. Her mother had combined her culture appropriate skirt, with pants. It was half a skirt; it would trail behind her but Inej would maintain her freedom of movement. The black silk would touch the ground, but her legs would be clad in form fitting silk pants beneath it, with the entire front of the skirt displaying the pants, but the swish of feminine fabric that would appease her Nani. Inej gaped. It was beautiful. It was the matching portion to her black silk top, another gift from her parents that Inej had worn in Ketterdam.

 

“Oh, Mama.” Inej mumbled to herself. She fell to her knees on one of the floor cushions, still looking to the beautiful silk in her hands. There was gold threaded along all the edges of the skirt, it matched perfectly to the sash of her top she’d packed in her bag. She hoped she remembered her nose ring. Gold with black. It was the same as her emblem.

 

“I take it she was right and you like it?” Kaz asked, she’d almost forgotten he was there, she’d been lost in the wonder of the fact that her mother still knew her so well.

 

“Yes. Of course she was right.” Inej whispered before she dragged herself back up from the ground. She needed a bath, she would not clad her body in silk before washing herself clean.

 

“I need a bath. Do you want to go first or me?” Inej turned to Kaz now and she saw he was once again looking at his new tie.

 

“You go. I’m going to leave the ice on as long as I can, and I’ll take less time.” Kaz mumbled. Inej could tell he was lost in thought, but she didn’t sense it was a bad sort of lost. She wouldn’t push him to share, this was an entirely new environment for Kaz and he deserved the privacy to soak it all in.

 

Inej moved and placed a kiss on his head through his hair, she knew she’d surprised him, but she hadn’t touched his skin. He looked up with a small smile as she turned and made her way to the bathtub. Inej had already confirmed they had running water, there had been a hose from the back of their caravan attached to a well port in the ground. Inej turned the knob on the bathtub and a few moments later, steaming water was filling the tub.

 

Inej took the time to use the bathroom and brush her teeth as her bath prepared. She came out from the toilet closet to wash her hands and she found Kaz was hanging his suits on the hangers as he sat with the ice at the end of their bed. Inej smiled to herself, she’d wondered how long it would take him to give in to temptation and coax wrinkles out of his jackets. She knew it had taken some restrain for him to not do it sooner, Kaz took much pride in his perfectly tailored clothes.

 

Inej walked to the curtains tied to the side of the bathing area and as she moved them, she realized they were not completely opaque.

 

Oh. They were partially sheer. Kaz would not see more than her silhouette, but he would see her, some. She knew her mother would not have thought more about it, Kaz was her avri. Her mother had assumed that Inej had been very much bare before him, it was a safe assumption, if she and Kaz were any normal couple.

 

Inej closed the curtains and went to the other side to see just how visible she’d be through the fabric. The candle light from the lanterns was soft. She could only make out Kaz’s silhouette on the bed through the smoky curtains.

 

You can do this, Inej. It’s not… it’s not completely baring. He’s seen you in a bathtub with only bubbles shielding your flesh. He’ll only see your figure, not your skin. It’s Kaz. It’s Kaz, not anyone else. Kaz who would never touch you unless you wanted him to. Kaz who you lay beside every night, unarmed. Kaz who she’d trusted with her life on a million different occasions. Kaz who had fought and schemed and murdered for the chance to prove himself to her.

 

Get it together, Inej. The confidence before a show. That’s what you need now.

 

Inej rolled her shoulders back before she unbuttoned her vest. It dropped to the floor. Shirt next. It followed the vest in a black flutter to the ground. Inej did not feel Kaz’s eyes. Chances were, he was in his own meditation of doing the opposite of her, hanging his clothes on hangers. The curtains were shut; he may not even end up looking over before she was already in the tub.

 

She wanted him to look.

 

She didn’t want him to look.

 

No, she wanted Kaz to look up and see that she could do this now. It wasn’t exactly the same as undressing before him, she would only be a shadow from the other side of the curtain, but she wanted… she wanted to do this. It felt like a step to where she wanted to be, another step into the future and a breaking of a link on the chains her demons bound her in.

 

Inej looked down to her own body. Her bindings, her leggings, her socks, her underwear. Four more barriers. Four more milestones. She decided that even if Kaz didn’t notice, this would be a win for her. She’d undressed in the bathroom after her nightmare, he’d been there then but his back had been turned, the room dark. This was different, because he would see some of her, he would face her.

 

Inej did the easiest thing first, she removed her socks as she leaned against the bathtub.

 

Bindings had to go. Inej reached for the clasp on her back, slowly. Her hand shook.

 

Kaz. It’s Kaz. Not some awful man who will look at you like the finest cut of meat at the butchers. He’s not paying for you; you don’t owe him anything. This is because you want to do it.

 

Inej repeated the words to herself like a chant in her mind. It was a prayer. She could do this.

 

Inej heard the drop of ice on the ground from behind the curtain. She dropped her hand from the latch of her bindings, leaving it in place.

 

“Inej, I can see you, well, somewhat. I didn’t- I didn’t notice until now. Tell me when I can turn around.” Kaz stuttered, his voice had more ire than usual. He’d been shocked when he looked up.

 

“I know you can see me.” Inej whispered, barely loud enough for him to hear. Her voice came out smaller than she would have liked.

 

She couldn’t hear it, but she swore she felt his breath hitch from the other side of the curtains, near their bed.

 

Inej turned around instead, she was facing the curtains now and she saw his silhouette, back to her.

 

“Turn around.” Inej asked him quietly. A long moment passed before he turned to her, she knew he was giving her time to change her mind. Inej couldn’t make out his face, only his frame. She knew his hands were clasped tight in front of him. Kaz was nervous, but she sensed it was because he didn’t want her to regret this, he didn’t want her to do it unless she wanted to.

 

“How much of me can you see?” Inej asked, though she knew he probably only saw as much as she did, she wanted to be sure. She wanted him to know when she was bare and exposed, but she wanted… she wanted it to only be her shadow. The night she let him see her, fully, she wanted to see his face. She wanted his eyes on her. This, this was only a step in that direction.

 

“Your silhouette. That’s all. I promise.” Kaz answered and Inej nodded to herself. Her hand reached back up behind her back, she knew Kaz had taken a single step closer. She didn’t mind, she wasn’t sure he was even aware he’d done it.

 

“I want to be able to do this, Kaz. Stay with me.” Inej whispered, she saw his shadowed head move in a nod.

 

Inej unlatched the hook on her wraps. It was slow as she unwound the gauze-like fabric. On the last layer, Inej took a deep breath before she let it fall to the ground. Her chest was bare. Inej didn’t know if her silhouette would look much different to him, save for the shape of her chest, but it was a victory for her. The same type of victory as when she’d been able to be in the same room as him in a towel.

 

She repeated her slow movements with her leggings, they landed in the pile of barriers she’d pried from her skin.

 

One more. She knew that he couldn’t see more than her shadow. He’d not see more. But they would both know. They would both know that she’d done it, she’d undressed in the same room as him without his back turned, even if there was a thin barrier between them.

 

She removed her underthings and stood, completely naked. Her eyes trailed up the curtain to Kaz’s own form on the other side.

 

“You’re beautiful, Inej. I’m sure of it. I can’t tell much, I told you that already. But you are, I don’t need proof.” Kaz rasped, there was so much honesty in his voice, Inej couldn’t even doubt it.

 

“I did it.” Inej felt a smile move on her lips. Kaz had stayed with her, he’d been a solid force on the other side of that curtain, he’d kept her grounded. She hadn’t vanished.

 

“As much as I could stare at only your shadow for the rest of my life, Darling, your bath water will get cold. Also, I’d much prefer your mother doesn’t arrive back here while we’re both somewhat… indisposed.” Kaz cleared his throat for emphasis before he chuckled.

 

Inej quirked her head in confusion before she understood.

 

Oh. Oh. Yes, she would suppose knowing she was bare on the other side of a thin curtain might have… effects on Kaz as well. He was still just a man. Inej felt a warmth spread through her body at the thought. She wanted to have those effects on him, only him. He damn well had the same effect on her.

 

They’d get there, Inej reminded herself. Someday, soon, there would be no curtain. There would be nothing stopping them from all they wanted. Inej sank into the bathwater and she heard a heavy sigh escape from Kaz before she heard him pick up the ice that had fallen to the ground. He was refocusing on something else, surely to calm his own breathing and his body.

 

Inej smiled, another battle had been fought. Another victory for their team against the Demons of their pasts.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            Twenty minutes later, Inej stood in front of the mirror that leaned against the wall near the stove. Kaz was in the shower and she’d left her hair out of the bath, she’d wash it later so that way it wouldn’t be wet for dinner. She’d tamed it back into a low bun, and left some waves out to frame her face. She wrapped her silk around her chest and the sash hung low behind her, the gold at the end caught in the dim light.

 

            Inej picked up the gold nose ring that she’d fished from her bag, she slipped it into the piercing easily before she stepped back. She felt beautiful. She felt the same way she had when her mother had brought her the first pair of silk pants that she’d worn in Ketterdam; but also different. Now she was here, amongst her people. The last time she’d donned silk and gotten ready for a dinner with her family amongst the caravans, she’d been fourteen. It had been a month before she’d been captured by slave traders.

 

            Now, she was eighteen. A woman, a Captain of the True Sea, The Wraith of Ketterdam. She was all mismatched parts, puzzle pieces that somehow formed the strength she saw shining back at her from the mirror.

 

            Inej wouldn’t trade it for the world. She thanked the Saints, perhaps for the first time, for what had happened to her. This is where that pain had led, it had led her to her life’s purpose, led her back to her family, but also led her to Kaz. If she’d never been taken, she’d have never met him. She also never would have known what it felt like to climb the chapel in Ketterdam, or to see blue seas stretch into the horizon from the Crow’s nest of her ship.

 

            Often times, the path of pain leads to the view of true beauty.

 

            A knock sounded on the door again, just as Kaz exited the shower closet. He was already clad in a fresh suit, hair damp and combed; Inej couldn’t stop herself from staring. It was a new suit, she’d only seen it one other time, the opening of the expansion to the Crow Club. It hung in perfectly crisp lines and he’d somehow coaxed any sign of a wrinkle out of its jet black fabric. Inej didn’t know how it was possible that she was willing to leave this room at all when he looked like that. He was in the middle of tying his new tie when he noticed her stare.

 

            “Would you like me to get that, Wraith? I can give you a moment alone with the suit later.” Kaz grinned crookedly and Inej wanted to kiss that stupid smirk off his mouth with her own.

 

            Kaz when he was cheeky was one of Inej’s favorite looks, he knew exactly what he’d done to her. She also wanted to smack him for it.

 

            “Hush.” Inej mumbled though a flush trailed down her chest and she couldn’t hide the smile that perked up her lips.

 

            Inej opened the door to see Mama, clad in her own silks. She’d chosen violet, to match her amethyst stud. Silver earrings and bangles accentuated her own ensemble. Mama had left her hair down, it flowed in a perfect straight black waterfall to her back. The small diamond gem between her eyebrows caught in the light as much as the amethyst in her nose piercing. It was tradition, when a woman came of age you were allowed to don the bindi, it symbolized many things, one being that you were not accepting proposals, you were married or committed already. Though, the tradition had become more of a way for a girl to mark that she was of age, an adult. It was beautiful; Inej had never worn one, never had the chance. She’d been far too young when she’d been taken.

 

Inej was stunned for a moment, the image of her mother in perfect traditional silks, just as she was now, had been something Inej had held onto in the Menagerie. It had been one of her most precious memories, she’d held fast to the hope of seeing her mother’s beauty again. A beauty that Inej had always wanted to emanate when she was small.

 

Inej remembered digging around in her mother’s wardrobe, wondering how much longer she’d have to grow before one of the silk tops would fit her.

 

“You look beautiful, Mama.” Inej said in suli as her mother moved around her in the doorway.

 

Mama paused and looked back to Inej before she pulled her into a hug. Inej inhaled the scent of verbena, incense and geranium perfume. It was heaven to Inej’s soul, her mother’s embrace. She couldn’t believe that she’d once lost all hope that she’d ever see her mother again.

 

“As do you, little girl.” Mama mumbled into her shoulder. Inej let her go and saw her mother had brought her small cosmetic bag with her.

 

“It’s up to you, if you wish to take the bindi.” Mama said softly, Inej knew her mother had brought her one, as well as the adhesive. It was kept in the cosmetic bag that Inej had seen a thousand times in her childhood.

 

Inej felt her breath hitch. She flicked her gaze to Kaz, who was now sat on the edge of the bed, tying his shoes. He was trying to give her and Mama privacy, despite the openness of the room.

 

Inej would wear it. She was an adult now, and she was also committed. It felt like the only choice, her soul said “yes” with every breath.

 

Inej nodded and Mama beamed back at her.

 

“I’ve waited a long time to be able to do this for you, Inej.” Mama said softly as she guided Inej to the sink above the wash basin.

 

First, her mother lined Inej’s eyes in a light bit of coal, the same way she had in Ketterdam. Inej was no longer worried about who she’d see when she looked back to the mirror. The Menagerie had not taken her choice to wear it from her, Inej knew that now.

 

Next, her mother handed Inej some small gold earrings, they dangled delicately from her lobes, simple tear drops. Inej had slipped them in as easily as she’d been able to with her nose piercing. Her ears had been pierced since she was four, the holes never closed up, despite that she’d not worn earrings since the Menagerie, either.

 

Lastly, Inej held perfectly still as her mother adhered the small ruby bindi to Inej’s forehead. Inej knew her mother had chosen red for her to match Kaz’s tie. Mama always had an eye for detail that Inej could only admire. Inej was trained to be observant, a mark on the job always had tells, weapons hidden, escape plans. Mama had a different eye for detail. Fashion, interior design, cooking. Inej hoped she would gain even a pinch of these qualities with age.

 

Mama stepped back and Inej saw her eyes turn glassy. Inej turned her head and saw herself in the mirror, her first bindi in place, her mother beside her.

 

“Thank you, Mama. For everything.” Inej turned to her and placed a kiss on her bronze cheek.

 

“I’ll meet you both outside, your father is waiting for us. We’ll all go up together.” Mama said before she squeezed Inej’s shoulder gently and made for the door.

 

“Prepare yourself, Kaz. We like to drink.” Mama turned her head to Kaz on her way out and Inej heard Kaz chuckle as the door to their caravan shut.

 

Inej turned away from the mirror when she heard Kaz stand from the edge of the bed and pick up his cane from its spot against the wall. She found him frozen where he stood, staring at her.

 

He swallowed as his eyes darted over her. Inej twisted her hands in front of her, his gaze was slowly making its way back to her face. She didn’t miss how his eyes caught on the sliver of skin exposed on her abdomen and the column of her throat.

 

“I don’t know how I got here.” Kaz released a shaky sort of laugh.

 

Inej tilted her head. “What do you mean?” Inej smiled as she moved and slipped on the pair of black silk flats her mother had left for her to borrow, this was an outfit that her boots or climbing slippers did not fit with.

 

“How do you look like that and I am going out there with you?” Kaz was shaking his head and Inej chuckled softly to herself. Kaz didn’t see the truth in front of him- that she felt the same way. She understood the feeling well, Kaz hardly had to do anything at all to catch her attention.

 

“Well you are. Though, I can express the same sentiments. It’s illegal that you are as handsome as you are yet here you stand.” Inej grinned as she came to stand directly in front of him.

 

It was the first time she’d ever made him blush, even subtly. Clearly, she had to lay it on thicker than honey for his pale flesh to betray him. It was a look that burst it’s way straight through the ranks to the top of her list of “Kaz Expressions to Cherish”.

 

“This is beautiful.” Kaz motioned to her bindi, the ruby on her forehead.

 

“Because it’s a gem and greed is your servant?” Inej chuckled as he wrapped his arms around her waist.

 

“You’re a gem Inej, but that’s not what makes you beautiful.” Kaz retorted as he dropped a kiss to her hair.

 

“That was terribly cringe-worthy. Are you trying to seduce me, Kaz Brekker?” Inej laughed when she felt his smile press into her hair.

 

“What was it you said when I asked you the same? Oh, yes- Absolutely.” Kaz mumbled and Inej felt her stomach flip in sheer elation.

 

“What does the gem mean?” Kaz asked after a moment, she’d been busy tracing his sides with her finger tips, under his blazer but through his shirt.

 

“It means I’m of age, and also that I’m committed and not interested in dating, off the market, if you will. Either or. Both. I chose to wear it for both reasons. It’s called a bindi.” Inej whispered, settling for the honest answer.

 

“Well I suppose the bindi helps my cause then. I’d hate to beat suitors back with my cane, but I’m not above such avenues, love.” Kaz chuckled and she memorized the rumble of his chest.

 

“I know you’re not.” Inej laughed and on her inhale she realized he’d worn cologne.

 

Damn him. How was she to leave this room when he smelled like that?

 

“Shall we? I don’t want your parents to think I’ve kept you.” Kaz said before he let her go.

 

“Yes.” Inej smiled up to him as she turned for the door. She paused when her hand touched the handle, she turned back over her shoulder to look at him.

 

“I apologize in advance for my Nani, my grandmother. She has no filter on her words.” Inej laughed when his head quirked.

 

Kaz was going to find out soon enough, her family was very lively.

 

 

KAZ

 

            “Mama you said small. The tent is set up, so that means we couldn’t all fit in the caravan. How many people?” Inej asked her mother from beside him as they walked up the path that took them past her parents’ caravan. Kaz saw the tent in question, it was domed and Kaz saw smoke rising from the center, it appeared there was a fire inside. The tent itself was round and pitched in the clearing just beside her parents’ home, it was a deep gray and Kaz noticed the flaps swaying slightly in the breeze and knocking a dust of snow up on the ground. He heard laughter from within, he already smelled rich spices from dinner and smoke from the fire.

 

            “Just a few.” Sharya chuckled and Kaz caught Kahir’s eyes. He smiled and shook his head, it was a gesture that said “don’t believe my wife.” Kaz almost laughed but Inej squeezed his hand. He could tell this was what she’d been nervous for, seeing all of her family at once. Or, at least, many of them.

 

            Kaz heard Inej release a deep breath. He squeezed her hand, he wanted her to remember they’d get through it, through every reunion and respective introduction, together.

 

            “Let’s go.” Kahir paused and pressed a kiss to Inej’s head before he walked ahead with Sharya and opened the flap to the tent.

 

            “Together.” Kaz whispered to Inej before they moved to follow her parents, she nodded her head and took one last steeling breath.

 

            As they walked forward into the tent, Kaz almost stopped in his tracks. There were about twelve different faces looking on to their entrance from floor cushions that sat at long low tables that lined the room. There was a roaring bonfire in the center of the tent, the smoke funneling out of a hole in the roof.

 

            A silence fell the moment he and Inej stepped into the fire light. There were eyes on them, he knew they were focused on Inej but he couldn’t help but return the nervous squeeze of her hand.  Kaz had never minded stares, he’d also never minded standing in front of a crowd. Granted, he didn’t particularly like it; but he wasn’t generally stunned into silence, either.

 

            “Inej.” A sharp whisper of disbelief came from the other side of the fire. A woman that had Inej’s same posture, and shared her deep chocolate eyes stood up. The woman was older, far older than Inej’s mother, but her skin barely showed lines. The only tell of her age was the white streaks in her long black hair. She was clad in a cobalt silk ensemble, and bangles of gold and silver lined her delicate wrists that jingled as she stood from the ground.

 

            “Nani.” Inej whispered to a room of near silence, the only sounds were that of gasps and the crackle of flames.

 

            Inej’s grandmother. Sharya’s mother. Inej had told him on the ship that her Nani was a spearhead for her family. The Suli had no leader, but Inej’s grandmother was the closest the Ghafa’s came to a matriarch.

 

            Her grandmother said something in suli that Kaz couldn’t decipher but Inej nodded enthusiastically, tears already rolling down her cheekbones. Inej let go of his hand and took a step forward, her grandmother moved around the table and was before her granddaughter in a manner of seconds, silent on her feet just like the rest of the Ghafa’s.

 

            Kaz watched as Inej’s Nani raised her hands to Inej’s cheeks, he saw tears in her dark eyes. He caught a glimpse of Kahir and Sharya a few feet away, standing near a table where Khalid sat. There were whispers now and he saw several pairs of eyes turn away from the reunion and towards himself. Kaz gripped his cane a little tighter, he was torn between staying near Inej or letting her have this moment, alone. Kaz was about to move his feet when Inej turned away from the conversation she was having with her grandmother in suli.

 

            “Nani, I want you to meet Kaz, he’s my avri.” Inej said as she wiped a tear from her face, not letting go of her grandmothers’ hand. Kaz felt his spine straighten even further at the mention of his name. The room fell silent once more, clearly the family was now interested in whom Inej had brought back with her as her partner after being captured.

 

            Kaz walked forward and he met Inej’s eyes for a split second before he faced her Nani.

 

            The woman looked him up and down once, then again for good measure. Kaz had thought he’d been nervous in the face of her parents, but Nani had eyes that he swore could cut through him faster than Sankt Petyr or Sankta Lizabeta in Inej’s skilled hands.

 

            “Kerch, then.” Nani’s voice reminded Kaz of something like a kitchen knife. A sharp edge intended to slice through soft things; like cakes. Or throats.

 

            “Yes, born and raised.” Kaz willed his voice to work. He didn’t bother to mention that “raised” was a stretch unless you counted the street hecklers who pitied him as a boy on the streets, or a long dead brother.

 

Nani smiled then, it was a smile that trickled down through the three generations of Ghafa women he’d now met.

 

            “Thank the Saints.” Nani mumbled and then proceeded to say something in suli that earned a bout of laughter around the room and a completely mortified gasp from Inej.

 

            “What does that mean?” Kaz whispered to Inej as Nani laughed softly.

 

            “Nothing.” She mumbled. There was a furious flush to Inej’s cheekbones.

 

            “I said “it’s about time that we added milk to our family’s coffee genetics.”” Nani chuckled and Kaz couldn’t hold back the laugh in his throat.

 

Inej had been right, her grandmother had no filter in her words.

 

            “Nani, manners.” Inej chastised and Kaz heard a chorus of chuckles from others amongst the room.

 

            “Manners are for the young.” Nani laughed and held out her hand to Kaz.

 

            “You may call me Mitra, or Nani. Either works, I’ll answer to both.” Nani said, her accent heavy in kerch, but clearly she was as fluent as Inej and her parents.

 

            “Kaz. It’s a pleasure.” Kaz gripped her hand and he was surprised with the strength in her shake, he felt her hand grip his tightly even through the leather of his gloves. An acrobat’s upper body strength, he realized.

 

            “Welcome, Kaz. If Inej brings you with her, I should like to know you better.” Nani dipped her head before she turned to the rest of the room, a toothy smile on her face.

 

            “Inej has returned. Let us drink obscenely in joy and toast to her homecoming.” Her voice boomed around the tent and Kaz realized Nani had no problem in continuing to speak kerch, for him. He felt warm, it had nothing to do with the fire beside him. There was a round of happy shouts and he heard Inej’s name called from every direction. It was a choir of reunions.

 

 Kaz felt eyes on him still, but he stopped caring the moment Inej moved back to his side and gripped his hand tightly in front of her family. In front of her people.

 

            It was a show of Inej’s choice to face every person in this room with him by her side. It felt like an announcement. Avri’s.

 

            Something snapped into place inside Kaz’s chest, like a puzzle piece. It was a piece that was dusty, unused, weather worn. A piece he’d long since cast aside as he sat before the puzzle of himself. He’d been convinced he’d never need it in order to see the grand picture at the end.

 

            It was the piece that encompassed laughter, warmth, family. His own family was long dead. He’d persuaded himself that there would never be a need for such feelings again; there was no point. His life was meant to be brutal- filled with revenge, kruge, gore, and gunpowder. There had been no need for things like sentiment or simple kindness.

 

            Somewhere in the embers of a suli fire pit, burned Kaz Brekker’s isolation. There was no need for such a jagged piece in the new picture that was being created. He’d made room for something new.

Chapter 57: All My Firsts

Summary:

Reunions. Firsts. A little steam.

Notes:

Chapter 57!

Ahhh guys I'm super pumped for this one. (I'm pumped for all of them, let's be honest.) There's a couple things here that I'm super excited for and I just sincerely hope you love it. Also, yes it's very long. It's because it's kind of two chapters combined, see the warning below.

WARNING: this chapter contains the first more... spicy scene. It's smutty but also not explicit sex. You all know i'm keeping it canon and I won't be throwing these characters into anything unrealistic to them or their demons that they are still very much fighting. But, that being said, there is a steamier scene here. Don't you fret though! If spicy isn't your thing, there's a warning where it starts at the end of the chapter. You can most definitely skip over it and not miss out on any of the story while still knowing what happened! The "end" of the chapter if you want to skip is just before the division, you'll see what I mean.

I hope you guys don't mind me adding these scenes as we move forward (obvs still slow because it's them and I love them too much to break character). I just think it's beautiful to see them moving forward and exploring this part of their relationship for the first time; because they have worked hard through their respective traumas individually to be able to do so, even partially. I think it's healthy and natural and sends a very positive message to keep fighting for the life you want, even if you have trauma. You deserve everything you want in life.

That's the message I want to send and I want to include these moments of barriers being broken for them. I think it's a hopeful and powerful message, I hope you can agree.

Also, I elected to keep the spicy scenes in the chapter they belong with rather than doing a full separation because I personally feel like for those who do want to read it, it keeps the flow better with the story. ALSO, I am updating the rating of this story, only because I'm paranoid. So you'll see that change but anyways, I hope you still love it.

OKAY. I'll stop blabbing, I just wanted to be thorough and proceed with warnings etc. It's also my first spicy scene so like, I'm a little nervous.

Thank you a million times over for all of the support and the reads on this story, we just crossed 9k hits and that's absolutely mind boggling to me. Thank you.

Drop me a comment with what you thought! Your comments inspire me and motivate me so much and I love chatting with you guys! Also, I'm fragile so let me know what you thought of the spice, I tried.

INEJ

 

            “Inej!”

 

 Inej had just settled to her seat beside Kaz, who her parents had already prepared for by putting them at the end of a table so he could sit on a cushion instead of kneel and stretch his bad leg out. Many faces had begun to approach herself and Kaz but Nani had insisted they sit, there was time for every reunion. Inej had been grateful; while she was thrilled to see everyone, she was overwhelmed. She had no short-hand answers for the questions she knew that she would inevitably face. It was a long story; one filled with struggle and pain and heartbreak.

 

            Inej turned her head to find cousin Rahul, standing behind her next to Khalid. Her cousin was tall, but shorter than both Kaz and Khalid, his dark hair had always been cropped short, he was always clean shaven. It was an anomaly amongst her people, she loved him for it. She loved that her cousin had never been afraid to be exactly who he was, never afraid to love who he wished, dress how he pleased.

 

            “Rahul!” Inej was already pulling herself to her feet but Rahul stepped forward and placed a hand on her shoulder.

 

            “Sit, I’ll hug you while you rest.” Rahul said in suli, he laughed as he knelt down to her.

 

            “I’ve missed you so much. You left me to take care of Khalid, alone.” He mumbled and Inej felt tears filling her eyes for perhaps the hundredth time that day. She was not a crier normally, but how the day had shaken her to the core.

 

            “I missed your wedding.” Inej cried into his shoulder, she felt Kaz’s eyes on her, she knew he did not understand what they were saying, but she also knew he didn’t mind. He’d expressed as much to her on the ship, he didn’t want her to hold back for him. Inej never would have, but she appreciated the sentiment nonetheless.

 

            “Khalid pushed it back for a year, after I pushed it back for one as well. We tried to wait for you. We missed you, that day. You should have been beside one of us. I don’t know which, but it doesn’t matter. We thought of you, and now you are here and I couldn’t be bothered to care anymore that we waited for so long. It just matters that you’re here.” Rahul’s smooth voice rang true in her ears.

 

            Inej felt his arms tighten around her once more before he pulled away. Inej smiled and just looked at him for a moment, his face had been one of the others she’d clung to in the darkest moments of her life.

 

            “Rahul, this is Kaz. Kaz this is Rahul, my cousin. And of course you met Khalid.” Inej said in kerch, her vocal chords felt parched. She hadn’t eaten since their lunch in Os Kervo, nor drank anything. Inej realized her mouth was watering for the banquet laid on the table, she’d not even managed to reach for it yet.

 

            “Pleasure to meet you.” Kaz reached out a gloved hand to Rahul and Rahul took it eagerly.

 

            “My kerch is… how you say? So-so.” Rahul motioned with his hand and Inej saw Kaz’s lips quirk up.

 

            “Better than my suli, I can say thank you or ask where the bathroom is. Or tell you a proverb or two that your cousin has taught me. That’s it.” Kaz rasped and it earned him a laugh from both her cousin and Khalid.

 

            “Fair enough.” Rahul chuckled and Inej saw Khalid bouncing on his feet, excitement that reminded her only of Jesper was radiating out of him.

 

            “Spit it out, Khalid. I know that look.” Inej laughed at her friend’s barely contained excitement.

 

            “Drinks. I have not drunk with you since we stole that bottle of kvas from my father when you were only thirteen and I was fifteen.” Khalid chirped with a devilish grin and Inej was helpless but to laugh.

 

            “You did what?” Papa turned his head from the conversation he’d been having with Mama near them at the same table.

 

            “I mean… we didn’t do that. Never, sir.” Khalid was already laughing as he stuttered over his words to her father.

 

 Inej had forgotten entirely about the incident, she and Khalid had been as drunk as the day was long as they made their way back to the caravan encampments, a couple of teenagers who had no idea how terrible they’d feel in the morning.

 

            “Yeah, never, Papa.” Inej felt her face warm and her cheeks hurt from suppressing her very much guilty grin. She heard Kaz’s laugh and it caused her to turn her head.

 

            “I’m sure she didn’t.” Kaz said to her father when she jabbed him in the thigh after mumbling a half-hearted “ouch” under his breath.

 

            “I will fetch kvas; I’ll take one for the team.” Khalid bounced off before she could even respond.

 

            “You see what I married? I had planned on you being here to help me!” Rahul beamed to Inej and she felt warmth coat her bones. A moment later, her cousin walked after her friend.

 

There was smoke and laughter and family all around her, it felt like a dream. A future that couldn’t have possibly been her own.

 

A few minutes later, Inej and Kaz had both managed to have several bites of spiced rice and chicken before Rahul returned after fetching Khalid when he’d gotten distracted on his own mission for kvas. Inej was aware of looks from aunts and uncles, cousins and wives and husbands. She couldn’t be bothered to feel guilty that she could not spare time for everyone right away. Her parents, her grandmother, her best friend and her favorite cousin were all the people she needed right now. And Kaz. Always Kaz.

 

“Let’s toast.” Khalid chuckled as he passed a glass of kvas to herself and Kaz and one for his husband. Khalid and Rahul settled down across from herself and Kaz, sans cushions but they didn’t seem to mind.

 

“To Inej.” Rahul suggested.

 

“No, to the future.” Inej said softly, she was not to be toasted alone, they all were to be celebrated.

 

“To a future with Inej.” Kaz mumbled and it garnered wide smiles from the other two men. Inej felt her face warm but she relented and clinked her glass with all of theirs in the center of the table.

 

Inej laughed more than she thought possible as Khalid and Rahul talked about their wedding day to herself and Kaz, she’d begged to hear about it and apparently so many things had gone wrong it was comical.

 

Inej was just grateful to hear them talk, to talk about anything but herself. She would tell them, she would, but this night felt so happy, so rose colored, she didn’t want to switch the lenses with her dreary tale.

 

Her parents and her Nani piped in to add to the tale every now and then from the other end of the table. Inej then listened as Rahul described his first year of college at the Ravkan University of Os Kervo. He’d decided he wanted to be a medic and was currently getting his certifications, Inej was so proud of him. He’d always wanted to serve others, he’d never felt like his most authentic self on the wire, and he’d let his arrow take aim just as she had.

 

“Your cousin Pari approaches.” Papa leaned in to whisper to her from her right side. Inej never knew what to expect from Pari, they’d never been as close as Inej was with Rahul, she’d always chalked it up to being four years apart in age, Pari was now twenty-two to Inej’s eighteen. Rahul himself had a somewhat rocky relationship with his elder sister, Inej always remembered them bickering. She knew it was because Rahul had always been different, eager to walk his own path, whereas Pari was much more traditional. Inej had no idea what her traditional cousin would think of her now.

 

Inej wanted to see her, she’d heard that she’d married Sai, her childhood sweetheart from another family that traveled with them. She also knew her cousin now had a daughter, Mahira. The baby couldn’t be more than eleven months old, from what Mama had told her.

 

“We’ll catch up more later.” Khalid stiffened when he heard what her father had whispered. Inej quirked her head but Khalid shook his head, a gesture that said “later.” Khalid and Rahul both flashed Inej and Kaz a smile before they loped away from the table, arm in arm. Inej didn’t miss how Khalid guided his husband as far away from Pari’s path as possible. Inej made a note to find out what had gone so wrong there, between her two cousins.

 

“Who’s Pari?” Kaz leaned to her and Inej relayed to him that this was one of the cousins her parents had spoken of, Rahul’s sister. Kaz nodded and Inej looked up, she saw Pari maneuvering her way around tables toward them.

 

“She’s the beauty of the family and she knows it, if that tells you anything. Pari’s… well, I never really had problems with her, but we weren’t exactly close, either.” Inej mumbled. She knew her tone held more nervousness than she’d wished. She felt Kaz’s hand rest on her knee under the table. It was their unspoken language saying “I’m here”.

 

“Inej!” Inej turned her gaze away from the fire to look up to a smiling Pari. She did not look like a new mother; no bags under her eyes or messy hair, but Inej hadn’t expected her to show any sort of exhaustion. Pari had always been beautiful, the same black hair as herself but perfectly straight, skin perhaps a shade darker than Inej’s own. Her features could only be described as feminine, pout like lips, wide brown eyes, long eyelashes. She was built like an acrobat but with much more… assets to attest to in the chest area. Her cousin looked exactly how Inej remembered her, she now wore a bindi as well, a delicate emerald green gem on her forehead to match her dark silk dress.

 

“Pari.” Inej smiled as she stood and walked around the table to embrace her cousin.

 

“We’ve missed you so much, I had a daughter and a wedding since you’ve been away for Saint’s sake.” Pari mumbled into Inej’s hair. Inej smiled, she knew her cousin was exactly the same as she remembered when she said “away” instead of “captured”. Inej knew it was Pari’s own version of treading lightly, she did appreciate the effort, but it did nothing to soothe Inej’s nerves.

 

Inej realized her cousin had also spoken Kerch, a measure she’d must have heard Nani take when she’d met Kaz.

 

“I missed you all too.” Inej responded as she pulled away, she was grateful for the many conversations filling the tent, for the first time tonight, the only eyes she felt on her were that of Kaz.

 

“Introductions, don’t be rude, little cousin.” Pari smiled as she looked over Inej’s shoulder to Kaz.

 

Inej wanted to roll her eyes, but she managed to maintain control. Pari had always wanted to be the first to find out anything, hear the gossip. it was one of the reasons Inej had never really gotten very close to her.

 

Oh, how Pari would laugh when she found out Inej became a spy.

 

“Right,” Inej mumbled as she turned back around to Kaz. “Pari, this is Kaz, my avri. Kaz, my cousin Pari.” Inej continued with a flick of her wrist between the two of them.

 

“It’s a pleasure.” Kaz did not stand but he held up a gloved hand to Pari. Pari shook his with a smile.

 

“Oh Inej, you’re lucky I’m married or I would have had to accompany you back to Kerch. Clearly the men are handsome there.” Pari winked at Kaz and Inej groaned internally.

 

Here we go. This is the Pari Inej remembered. Inej knew her cousin did not have ill intentions but she was just… as she was. Pari had not changed in the slightest.

 

“I- thank you?” Kaz made the words come out as a question and Inej wanted to laugh.

 

“You’re very welcome.” Pari laughed melodically, it was the type of laugh that reminded Inej of wind chimes, or bangles on one’s wrist. Twinkling.

 

“You must meet Mahira! Oh Inej, she is going to be beautiful.” Pari squealed and Inej shared a private look with Kaz that only said “prepare yourself.” Inej wanted to meet the newest member of her family, but she realized that her internal energy reserves were dwindling. She’d cried too many times in one day and she wanted to sit back down and have dinner and then take some time, very much alone, with Kaz to process the day of so much reunion.

 

“Sai! Bring Mahira! She must meet Inej and her avri!” Pari yelped to Sai at a table across the tent. Sai was a tall man, much like her Uncle Rajesh, but he was also very soft spoken- a man of few words and very reserved. Inej had seen him smile only a few times from what she could remember- she supposed what they said about opposites was true. Pari was excited always, outspoken. Sai on the other hand was her exact opposite. Inej had no idea how the two had fallen in love, but she was happy for them nonetheless. It took a special type of man to love her cousin Pari, of that, Inej was sure.

 

Inej glanced back to Kaz who was now taking a healthy swig of kvas after facing her cousin. A moment later, Sai walked up to Inej and Pari. He carried a tiny bundle of magenta silks, a little girl with a full head of black hair and caramel eyes. Pari took her daughter from her husband as Inej received a rare smile from Sai and a “welcome back”. Sai introduced himself to Kaz as Pari cooed her daughter, who let out a small and cranky thing of a noise.

 

“Inej, this is Mahira.” Pari beamed and Inej forgot about her annoyance with her cousin when the little girl turned her eyes to Inej and stopped crying immediately. Inej noticed Sai had moved to another table to fill his glass of kvas.

 

“Hello.” Inej held out a finger and the little girl gripped it quickly, Inej couldn’t help the smile on her face at the smallness of her golden hand. Inej had never really thought about children herself, even before she’d been taken. She had been too young to really know if she wanted them. Even now, Inej couldn’t imagine that future for herself, nor for Kaz. The path they’d chosen was not suited for a family. Inej had no idea if Kaz had ever even remotely thought of it, given that he wasn’t able to even touch another person for most of his life. Inej had a purpose now, to protect the innocent. Inej couldn’t give it up; and she’d known she’d never want to sharpen her blades as her child slept. It just wasn’t… it wasn’t possible to imagine.

 

Inej shook off all thoughts of the notion. It was a ridiculous string of thoughts to follow.

 

“Do you want to hold her?” Pari asked enthusiastically, shifting Mahira to her hip.

 

“Oh, no. That’s okay.” Inej mumbled. She did know how to hold a child; she’d seen many of her people’s babies as she’d grown up. She just…she just didn’t want to hold a girl that would surely grow without Inej active in her life. Inej already loved her, though. That much was true.

 

“Good, she prefers the ground anyways.” Pari laughed as Mahira let out a small frustrated squeal, intent on being released from her mother’s grasp. Pari complied and set Mahira to the ground, the girl already knew how to crawl.

 

Inej laughed as the small girl tugged on the bottom of her silk skirt.

 

“You’ll have your own, someday.” Inej whispered down to the little girl conspiratorially.

 

Inej listened to Pari ramble about her new motherhood, occasionally glancing down to Mahira. Inej noticed Kaz listening intently as well, but his eyes widened every time the little girl got too close to the edge of the table. At first, Inej thought his reaction was because the child got too close to him. She’d been wrong. Inej saw Kaz’s hand dart out and shield the corner of the table from Mahira knocking her tiny head against it as she explored the floor.

 

Kaz was watching Mahira in her mother’s distracted stead. Inej felt warmth bloom from her toes to her ears. It was something she’d never seen before in Kaz; gentle, protective movements.

 

It was yet another kindness he hid within himself, out of sight from the world.

 

“Chidi!” Mahira squealed with a point of her chubby fingers.

 

Pari and Inej both froze.

 

“That’s her first word.” Pari gasped and yelled for Sai. Inej noticed Nani and her parents had both looked over from their conversation as well, smiles on their faces.

 

“Chidi!” Mahira pointed again. Inej followed her little fingers in the direction she pointed.

 

Kaz’s cane. “Chidi” meant “bird” in suli.

 

“That’s right! Chidi!” Inej crouched down to her and smiled when Mahira giggled triumphantly and repeated the only word she knew.

 

“I point the birds out to her every morning when we walk outside. She must have remembered.” Sai’s voice came from behind Inej. Inej turned back to Pari and Sai with a smile. They were both beaming to their daughter who had just spoken her first word at eleven months old.

 

Kaz quirked his head to the girl before he surprised Inej yet again. He untucked his tie and showed the girl the crow etched into the bottom.

 

“Chidi!” Mahira giggled and pointed to Kaz’s tie before looking back at her parents.

 

Inej looked at Kaz then, he was smiling, dimple on full display. He’d not touched Mahira, nor drawn closer, but he’d bonded with her, in his own way.

 

Mahira moved her hands in grabby motions toward her mother, she wanted to be picked up.

 

“Thank you, I know you didn’t do anything, but we’ve been trying to get her to say something for two weeks now.” Sai said to Kaz and Pari picked Mahira up from the ground. Kaz nodded politely before he tucked his tie back into his blazer.

 

“We’ll let you eat, you must come see us while you’re here.” Sai said to Inej now, Pari was talking to Mahira, praising her on her word. Inej smiled and nodded as her cousin and her family walked across the tent.

 

“Well, that was interesting.” Inej laughed as she sat back down next to Kaz. He looked like he was far away as he nodded and took another swig of kvas. Inej wondered what was going on in his head, but she settled her hand on his knee and she felt his free hand come up and squeeze hers. It was Kaz’s own silent reply that meant “I’m okay.”

 

Inej finally was able to drink and eat for several minutes before one of her aunts on her father’s side approached them, she repeated introductions to Kaz. An hour must have passed in between small reunions and quick bites of food before Rahul and Khalid returned to their table and saved them from more conversation. Inej was so happy to be here, but the day was catching up to her.

 

Inej lost herself in conversation with Rahul and Khalid about some of their old friends that Inej would be sure to visit while they were here, they drank and laughed and Inej was grateful when they did not ask her about her time away; Inej knew Khalid and Rahul would have that conversation with her in private. Kaz drank right alongside them and occasionally asked questions when he recognized a name as someone he may have met in their slew of introductions.

 

Inej realized she had drank more kvas than she’d thought when she was completely transfixed by Kaz’s laughter at a joke Khalid had made.

 

She was warm, content, surrounded by her people and all she wanted from the rest of the evening was to taste Kaz’s laughter. Kaz who had come here, with her. She was so in love it felt like a physical ache. Kaz traced idle circles on her knee under the table and Inej wondered if she had been set on fire. She’d like to retire to the caravan, soon, she decided.

 

KAZ

 

            He wasn’t drunk. But the kvas warmed him as he listened to Khalid tell Inej something about one of his own family members. She was smiling and flushed from the kvas. Her bindi caught the fire light and Kaz wondered how much of his talking skills he’d have to use to convince her into leaving with him now and returning to the caravan. Something about Inej, the way she glowed as she laughed with her family, it set fire to his veins.

 

            Maybe he was buzzed.

 

            Kaz had been pleasantly surprised, he’d had a good time. It wasn’t that he’d expected to have a miserable time, it’s just he’d thought he’d want to leave sooner than now; that it would have been awkward, meeting so many new people. He found he liked Khalid and Rahul very much, he’d not spent much time with Inej’s grandmother yet, but he knew he would. Her other cousin, Pari, Kaz didn’t particularly know what to make of, but her daughter had been surprisingly un-annoying. Kaz hadn’t expected the little girl to be entertaining to watch, but she had been. Kaz hadn’t ever thought himself a fan of children, nor necessarily despising of them either. He just had no reason to form an opinion of kids at all.

 

            Inej laughed again. Fuck. Kaz forgot everything else. He felt like he had at the Crow Club on opening night, he was desperate for Inej. He just wanted a moment of blissful solitude with her.

 

            Yes, definitely buzzed.

 

            “We’re heading back out to the caravan, we just wanted to say goodnight.” Sharya Ghafa’s voice came from behind Kaz, both he and Inej turned to find Sharya and Kahir standing arm in arm.

 

            Inej stood up and embraced both of her parents. Kaz noticed Inej’s Nani must have already retired, there were only a few other people left in the tent, Kaz was grateful that most of Inej’s family had elected to leave them undisturbed for the remainder of the evening, they’d have time to see them. He also hadn’t realized how long they’d spent talking with Khalid and Rahul.

 

            “I love you both.” Kaz heard Inej whisper as both of her parents hugged her just as fiercely.

 

            “We’re so happy you’re here, with us.” Kaz heard Kahir mumble. Inej responded in Suli. Both Khalid and Rahul said goodnight to Inej’s parents as well in their native language.

 

            “Goodnight, thank you.” Kaz rasped as he forced his leg into motion so he could stand and face Kahir and Sharya. They beamed once more when he said “thank you” in suli.

 

            Inej watched her parents as they exited the tent before her eyes met his. Inej smiled as she reached for his hand.

 

            “I’m thinking we should go, too.” Inej mumbled and then her eyes met his.

 

            Damnit. Inej was looking at him with the same intensity of how he felt. He didn’t know if it was the kvas, or just how she smiled so saints-damning beautifully, but he wanted. He just wanted. He wanted to kiss her until he couldn’t breathe. Ghezen, he just wished they could do everything a normal couple could. But, he already could do more than he’d ever dreamed possible, it was overwhelming in all the best ways.

 

            Khalid and Rahul were standing themselves, lost in conversation in their own language.

 

            “I made promises to make interruptions up to you.” Inej whispered for only him to hear.

 

            Kaz’s brain failed him. A simple “oh” was the only coherent thought in his inebriated skull.

 

            Inej smirked when he swallowed thickly. Damn her. Inej knew exactly what she was doing. He wanted her even more because of it. Inej scheming when it involved him was absolutely glorious. If she was intent on keeping those promises, he’d gladly accept.

 

            “I think we’re going to head in as well, we had a long day before we made it here. I think it’s almost twelve bells, anyways.” Inej turned and said to Khalid and Rahul with a smile on her lips.

 

            “Us too.” Rahul yawned as Khalid swung an arm over his husband’s shoulder.

 

            “Tomorrow? I can’t believe I can say that.” Khalid grinned to Inej.

 

            Inej nodded enthusiastically before she moved and embraced the two suli men.

 

            “Pleasure, Kaz. We’ll see more of each other.” Rahul extended a hand to him and Kaz shook it once more. He bid goodnight to both Khalid and Rahul before he took Inej’s hand.

 

            “Let’s go, now.” Inej whispered as she led him out of the tent.

 

Kaz was content if Inej wanted to drag him to whatever lay ahead of him before they slept. His leg be damned.

 

Kaz felt Inej squeeze his hand as they finally exited the tent, out of eyesight of any others. He stopped them once they made it outside. He didn’t want to wait until they walked all the way back to the caravan. Not for this one thing. Snow was falling heavier now, it dusted the shoulders of their coats.

 

“Wait.” Kaz pulled back on her hand gently.

 

“Was I walking too fast? I just-” Kaz cut her off when he brought his hands to her cheeks, they were warm through the leather of his gloves. He would shed them the moment they made it to the caravan. Inej’s jaw clicked shut and he met her eyes, he wanted to make sure his sudden movements hadn’t triggered her past. He saw nothing but happiness, desire and surprise in her dark eyes. Her lips parted in a soft smile as her own hands came up to grip his.

 

“Not too fast, not fast enough. I just- fuck, Inej.” Kaz couldn’t form proper sentences to express what he wanted. What it felt like he needed.

 

He kissed her then, under the Ravkan snowflakes with only the moon and lanterns to bare-witness. It was a kiss that had them walking again as soon as their lips broke apart.

 

If only for a moment, Kaz felt normal. He felt like a man going home with his girl to do anything but sleep. They couldn’t have everything they wanted, it was still a far off possibility, but it felt like there was a milestone to be crossed ahead of them, even a small step. Kaz found he was not worried, he only ever wanted these moments, these firsts, with Inej.

 

Inej was forever, all his firsts, and all his lasts.

 

 

 

 

They reached the caravan, and what happened next, well, that was a step forward. A beautiful step toward their future; the future they’d fight for, bare handed and bloodied. Together.        

 

 

 

************** Warning! Spice ahead. (See my notesfor further details. Don’t worry, you can skip this if you want and you won’t miss out on the story! Just stop here and you’ve finished the chapter!) ***************

 

KAZ

 

The moment Kaz turned around after shutting the door, their eyes met once again. Inej’s eyes were alight with want. He wondered if his mirrored hers, black to gold.

 

Inej took a deep breath before she dropped her hold on his eyes, seeming to calm herself. She moved away and struck a match and lit the two lanterns that hung on either side of the bed, she also tossed the match into the stove with a new log. It brightened the room enough to see, but the lighting was dim. Inej made no move to light the rest of the lanterns. The mood of the room felt warm, but there was a tangible charge between himself and Inej, it felt like a string pulled taut between them, to loosen the tension they’d need to move closer.

 

Kaz walked to the trunk, shrugging off his jacket as he went. He tossed both his blazer and his coat onto the trunk before he began to shed his gloves.

 

“Can I?” Inej whispered softly from behind him. Kaz turned his head, to meet her eyes. Inej wanted to remove his gloves.

 

Kaz moved his head in a nod and left the leather in place. Inej kicked off her shoes as she walked. She came to stand directly in front of him before she brought up a golden bronze hand and loosened the leather on each of his fingers. Kaz was watching her eyes as she watched his hands. She was focused, gentle. This was something special to her, it was to him too. Sacred.

 

One glove landed on the trunk with a soft thud. Inej brought his now bare hand up to her lips. She kissed each of his fingertips before she met his eyes. The lamplight flickered in her irises, she took another deep breath before she took his other hand and repeated the motion of removing his glove. A shiver rolled down his spine when he felt her lips on each of his fingers once more. His stomach flipped in a nervous and happy anticipation. He wanted her lips on his.

 

Inej dropped his hand but she met his eyes in question after she flicked her gaze to his tie. Kaz nodded once. This was something she’d done before, but he was still mesmerized by her careful movements as she untied the silk and slipped it off his neck.

 

Kaz wanted to remove something of hers. He knew Inej well enough to know she had not gone completely unarmed, even though the majority of her blades were at the bottom of his bag next to his pistol. He never went anywhere completely unarmed, either. He had his cane, after all.

 

“Where is it?” Kaz rasped.

 

He realized he could not discern her blade anywhere on her person. Perhaps he’d been wrong.

 

            He knew he hadn’t been, though, when no confusion showed in Inej’s eyes.

 

            A small smile quirked Inej’s lips. Her eyes shown triumphant, she’d hidden her weapon well if even he couldn’t find it.

 

            “Untie the sash.” Inej whispered with a flick of her eyes to the silk sash tied on her shoulder. Kaz didn’t know where she was going with this, but his body reacted before his brain could scheme. He brought his hands up to the sash and began untying it. He noticed Inej lifted her hands up to her chest, to keep the fabric from falling to the ground. He had already known she did not wear her bindings underneath, her chest had not been completely restricted, of course he noticed. He was just a man.

 

            Kaz untied the silk fully and the wraps around her loosened. Inej reached between her breasts under the silk and pulled out a sheathed blade, he recognized it. It was a throwing knife from his desk at the Slat, smaller and easier to conceal than any of her saintly blades, onyx in color. 

 

            Inej had pickpocketed him before they’d even left the Slat. He’d grabbed the same blade from his desk as they were leaving. He hadn’t noticed it missing from his pocket on the ship. She hadn’t even biscuited him, she’d pulled the blade without replacing it with a counter weight. It was extremely difficult to do, even for a skilled thief such as himself.

 

            Then, she’d concealed it tonight in her own cleavage.

 

            Kaz thought he might have died, the torture he was enduring by not being able to lift her up now and undress her fully before they even reached the bed seemed like a fitting punishment for all his heinous crimes.

 

            “You pickpocketed me.” Kaz was vaguely aware his jaw had dropped slightly. No one had pickpocketed him since he was twelve. No one had ever even gotten close.

 

            Inej. Inej was beautiful and dangerous. Inej was the love of his crooked fucking life.

 

            “Surprise.” Inej smirked, one hand still holding the silk to her chest, the other dangling the blade between her fingers.

 

            “I love you.” Kaz’s voice shook. He didn’t think he’d ever felt so much heat in his body in his entire life. His clothes felt constricting in all the wrong spots and he wished… he just wished.

 

            Inej smiled as she slipped the blade into his pocket. Her hand on his thigh made him want to beg her saints for a chance to love her the way she deserved, completely bare. He wanted to ask the saints for the chance for both of them, he wanted their demons to take one Ghezen forsaken night off.

 

            Inej stood back. Her eyes looked up to him and he knew his breathing was uneven. She quirked her head in question, he shook his head. Thankfully, his breathing had nothing to do with water rushing in. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Inej had set fire to his entire body, heat wrapping his skin.

 

            Inej turned away from him and busied herself with finding a shirt of his in her own bag. They’d unpack the rest of their things tomorrow, there was no time for that now. Definitely not now.

 

            Inej dropped the silk with her back to him, he noticed the way her muscles moved in her shoulder blades from years of acrobatics and climbing in Ketterdam. He wanted to be the man who could move forward now and kiss every inch of her spine.

 

            A moment later, Inej turned to him, her skirt was still on with his shirt.

 

            “Inej, I regret to inform you those things don’t match.” Kaz released a shaky laugh.

 

            “Well the other option is I take off the skirt.” Inej said, she seemed not to realize her words until after she’d said them. Her eyes widened slightly and he noticed a flush blooming on her cheekbones.

 

            “I mean- I have something on, underneath, obviously I just-” Inej’s mouth shut. Inej was embarrassed. Kaz didn’t want that. In fact, he wanted… he wondered if they could do that. Inej’s bare legs exposed while they slept. He knew she slept in pants as a concession to him, which he appreciated.

 

            “Take it off, if you want.” Kaz whispered. If Inej did not want to, if she didn’t want to try that, he’d understand. He’d wait for the day she wanted to. He wasn’t even sure it was a good idea himself.

 

            Inej nodded once, seeming to make a decision. She reached up and unbound her hair, it fell in loose waves to the small of her waist.

 

            Then, she did what she’d said. She unfastened her skirt and the pants below it and they dropped to the floor in a flash of inky silk.

 

            His shirt hit her mid-thigh. He’d seen her like this before. He hadn’t ever gone to sleep under the same sheets with her like this, though.

 

            “Your shirt, then.” Inej whispered. Kaz understood. Inej wanted them to try removing two barriers, her pants, his shirt. He didn’t know if his mind or kvas guided his hands as they began unbuttoning his shirt. It followed her skirt to the ground. Kaz would normally hang it. He didn’t care now.

 

            Inej reached up and removed her earrings. Her bindi. Her nose ring. The jewelry clinked as she set it on the table. Kaz averted his eyes as she bent to the table. His body didn’t need the reminder of Inej’s figure seeing as it was already engrained into his mind.

 

            He grabbed his own sleep trousers and went to the bathroom to change. He returned to find Inej laying on the bed on top of the sheets, she was on her side, facing where he would lay. Kaz wanted to remember the image of Inej’s bare legs crossed at the ankle as she waited in bed for him. It was new, it was perfect.

 

            Kaz came to the bed and settled himself down next to her on his side, careful of his leg. It felt better than it had earlier, but it was still somewhat sore.

 

            He took a deep breath before he met Inej’s gaze. The energy was still there, if not amplified by the fact that they’d both removed barriers.

 

            He didn’t know who moved first, but it only took one look before they’d moved closer and their lips came together in a gentle kiss. Then, her lips moved and his followed suit. He felt her hand tentatively raise to his bare side. A feather light touch that caused shivers to run down his spine. He reached his own hand to hers and pressed down slightly, there was no water. He had a brief moment of unease, but it passed as his fingers brushed her familiar knuckles.

 

            His body was beginning to recognize Inej’s hands as safe.

 

            Kaz moved his hand away from hers and he pulled away from their kiss, her eyes fluttered open and he held her gaze as he brushed his knuckles along her bare knee. She shivered too. He saw no shadows in her eyes and he emboldened his exploration of her bare leg for the first time. He moved his hand into the crook of her knee before he rubbed along her calf in slow movements. Her skin was soft, smooth. Everything he thought it would be and more. Warm. So different from bloated dead things.

 

He felt a small scar on the back of her calf, he made a mental note to look at it later. He wanted to know every inch of Inej, inside and out.

 

Inej leaned back in and this time, the kiss was needy, desperate. Her hand traced circles along his abdomen and his memorized her leg. He found himself pushing closer to her, his body reacting on its own accord. Inej pressed closer too. He moved his other arm beneath her and wrapped his hand to her back, he pulled her closer yet. Just as he did, her tongue brushed his bottom lip, asking permission. He didn’t hesitate to pull her closer in response.

 

Kaz tasted her completely, they’d kissed like this only a few times, it was still new. They’d never kissed in this position, either. Kaz’s hand moved up her thigh, he stopped when he felt the hem of his shirt on her form. Kaz would not tempt their demons. Instead he brought his hand up to her waist, above the shirt.

 

Inej broke away from his mouth and instead she leaned her head into his neck, she kissed along his jawline and traced her way back to his ear. Then, he felt her teeth, a gentle bite just below his ear. It sent warmth low in his stomach.

 

“I told you I’d make up for the interruptions.” Inej whispered into his ear, her breath was hot and sent another shiver down his spine, she nibbled his ear lobe. Kaz didn’t trust his voice to come out in words to respond to her. He pulled her closer, their bodies were flush and Inej hooked her leg over his hips, flipping him to his back.

 

Inej. Inej straddling him. She did not press down; her weight was on her knees. If she had… well, there would be no hiding the effects she was having on him.

 

The image of Inej above him, lips bruising and parted, hair flowing down her back, that was the image that Kaz was sure would be the death of him.

 

Kaz’s hands stayed at her waist and he trailed his eyes up to hers. Inej flicked her gaze to his hands. She was asking for something, Kaz was, for once, at a loss. Inej smiled when she reached for one of his hands, she moved his hand up her body, over the shirt. He felt her toned stomach, then… then she stopped, just below her breast. Inej was telling him he could touch her, above the shirt, if he dared.  

 

Kaz swallowed and kept his eyes on hers as he brushed just under the delicate swell of her chest. She shivered but her eyes urged him to continue. It was a shiver of pleasure. Kaz steeled himself as his hand moved over her breast, he felt the slightly hardened peak through the fabric, her breasts were bigger than he’d imagined, her bindings normally kept her chest almost flat. Perfect handfuls.

 

He squeezed her breast gently, this was something of course he’d thought of when the desire had gotten to be too much and he’d been forced to sort himself out. He’d never thought he’d actually get to this point. The real thing was so much better than he’d imagined.

 

He gently pinched the peak of her nipple through her shirt and Inej’s eyes fluttered shut.

 

Inej moaned.

 

Kaz decided then and there that her laugh was the only thing that compared to this noise. He was the only person to have ever heard this particular noise from Inej, though. A genuine noise of pleasure, a noise that could not have come out of her mouth in the Menagerie because it hadn’t been in earnest.

 

 He was the only man who knew what Inej’s private moans of pleasure sounded like. It was just that, fiercely private.

 

Kaz couldn’t help but sit up when he dropped his hand from her chest, he was grateful that Inej kept her weight on her knees, even still. Her eyes were half closed as he ducked his head to her neck and kissed the same spot that had always entranced him.

 

“Kaz.” Inej whispered, desire underlining his name. His name on her lips in the dark had profound effects.

 

His pants felt too tight, he wanted her. He wanted her so much. He loved her, he wanted this life with her. He knew they were only safe now because her bare legs touched his clothed ones, her clothed chest protected his bare chest. Only their hands and lips had touched skin. Kaz wished they could remove all barriers.

 

            “Yes?” Kaz whispered against the skin of her neck as he trailed open mouthed kisses along her throat.

 

            “I want you. I want you so much. Tell me we’ll get there, that we won’t be stuck in our own skin forever. Tell me that you’ll stop drowning and I’ll stop vanishing and we’ll get to the other side together. Tell me you believe it as much as I do, Kaz.” Inej said breathlessly in between his kisses to her neck, which elicited small gasps from her. Kaz had no experience, but anything that made her gasp like that had to be right. He just wanted to know her body, he wanted to know how to love her like this as much as he was learning to love her soul with the same devotion.

 

            “We’ll get there, Inej. I promise.” Kaz mumbled, he pulled away from her neck to see her face.

 

            Kaz did believe it, now. He didn’t care how long it took, he’d fight for her, for them. For everything they both wanted so desperately, physical and otherwise.

 

            Inej nodded and leaned forward. Her lips found a spot on his neck that made goosebumps raise on his skin. She dropped her weight from her knees when his hands traced over her ribcage through her shirt.

 

            Oh. Oh. Inej’s body pressed down on him in all the right places. Kaz felt his skin warm, Inej could surely feel all of him now. He felt the heat radiating from her center, too. Even through the thin fabric of her underthings.

 

            Inej ground down on him through his pants. Fuck.

 

            Inej froze when she’d realized what she’d done, what she felt. Inej drew her lips from his neck but she did not pull back to look at his face. Kaz wanted to see her eyes, if she was vanishing, he’d pull her back. They’d stop right now, he never wanted Inej to disappear under his hands.

 

            “Inej.” Kaz’s voice came out rough.

 

            “I’m sorry.” Inej mumbled. Kaz needed to see her eyes, now. He gently gripped her arms and pushed her back slightly so he could see her. Her cheeks were flushed, breathing slightly uneven. He was confused when he saw no shadows in her eyes, she looked embarrassed.

 

            “What is it?” Kaz brushed her hair behind her ear. She made no move to remove her weight from his lap.

 

            “I… I didn’t mean to do that.” Inej whispered but her eyes still avoided his. Kaz brought a finger to her chin, she would look at him.

 

            “Is it because I’m…. uh, how to put this lightly? Ready?” Kaz chuckled and it was worth the tumble over awkward words when Inej smiled.

 

            “No. No that is… that is perfect. I just meant… I don’t know how- I don’t know what I’m doing, Kaz. You’d think I would, because of where I was, but I don’t. None of this has ever felt like this for me before. I never- it was never about anything that I wanted. But I want this, I want you. It just surprised me, I didn’t even realize I was doing what I was doing.” Inej mumbled.

 

Kaz understood, her body had reacted. This was completely new for him as well, he had exactly zero experience in anything physical. Kaz knew Inej had never found any sort of pleasure in the Menagerie, he also knew she’d only been seen as something for terrible men to use. She’d never gotten to explore what she liked, what she wanted. Kaz wanted to learn for both of them, with her. He wanted to make her gasp the way she just had, he wanted to be able to satisfy all her needs for the rest of their lives.

 

Kaz wanted to know her; mind, body and soul.

 

“If you want to stop, we stop. Same goes for me. Deal?” Kaz whispered to her, he wanted her to know that if things went wrong, they wouldn’t give up. They’d find out what went awry, and try again when they could.

 

“The deal is the deal.” Inej smiled softly and she held her hand out for a shake.

 

“I’m not going to lie to you, Darling, making deals with you in this position should be what we do from now on.” Kaz chuckled and he took her hand.

 

“Are you sure? I’m sure I could convince most every deal to go my way if we negotiate with me on your lap.” Inej moved her hips once to emphasize her point.

 

It emphasized other things as well.

 

Inej smirked when the only sound that came out of his mouth was a groan.

 

“I don’t want to stop right now.” Inej whispered. Kaz didn’t either. His body didn’t understand why they weren’t closer than they were, his mind screamed that he’d drown if they removed any other barriers.

 

So, Kaz decided they’d see where this went. Without removing any other barriers, they’d push the boundaries as far as they could.

 

Kaz kept his hold on her eyes, they’d come to a decision with their own language. Kaz raised his hands back to her hips over the shirt and Inej leaned back in and captured his lips with her own. Kaz felt her hips grind on to him again, and he experimentally used his hands to guide her movements, he only gripped her lightly. Inej moved her lips back to his neck and she pressed down on him harder, seeking friction. She muffled a moan into his shoulder and Kaz didn’t hold back his own when she moved her hips in a circular motion, it created the friction he desperately needed.

 

Inej was sucking a soft spot on his neck and when he felt her moan again from their movements, he wondered if this would be enough to take her over the edge. Would it be possible for her to find her own climax even through their clothes? He hoped so. If they continued, he wasn’t going to be able to hang on.

 

Kaz let his lips find her neck as he muffled another groan into her skin. Inej’s movements on his lap grew more frantic, desperate. He bit down gently on her neck and she whimpered. Kaz trailed one hand away from her hips and back over the front of her shirt, he found the bud of her nipple and he pinched, just slightly. His body seemed to know how to do more than he would have thought.

 

Inej gasped his name and her hips bucked, he repeated the movement with her other breast.

 

“Kaz I need… I’m not going to last.” Inej’s whisper hit his ear.

 

Kaz moved his lips from her neck and brought his mouth to hers. She gasped into their kiss as his hands guided her hips once more.

 

Inej came undone, in his lap. Her legs shook as she moaned his name into their kiss.

 

Kaz had never seen anything more beautiful, nor heard anything so sweet. He didn’t know how he’d gotten here, but the past year he’d fought for every single inch of space he could eliminate between himself and Inej. Now, he’d been able to bring her pleasure in a physical way. It was a victory, a victory he would remember for the rest of his life along with every other first they’d been able to have together.

 

Inej pulled away and took a deep breath as she came back down from her high.

 

“Fuck, Kaz.” She laughed breathlessly. Kaz desperately tried to ignore the ache of his own body. He wanted this for Inej, he didn’t need to finish himself. Enough men had expected that from her. He willed his body to understand his mind and heart’s decision.

 

Inej moved her hips again.

 

“It’s okay, I don’t need you to-” Kaz began but Inej placed a bronze finger to his lips. Her eyes were shining in the dim light, elation seeping from her irises.

 

“I want to; I want to see you the way you just saw me. I want this for both of us.” Inej whispered as she trailed her lips along his throat.

 

Inej was going to kill him. Her hips ground down on him and she met the perfect angle.

 

Kaz gasped and he felt Inej’s lips turn up in a smile on his skin.

 

“Inej I’m going to-” He didn’t finish the sentence. He fell over a cliff and landed in the sky. A groan escaped his lips and he found himself wrapping his arms all the way around her waist and holding her close as he came undone.

 

He didn’t even care that he was going to have to change into his other sleep pants. All he cared about was Inej in that moment. He knew she’d felt him release.

 

“Beautiful.” Inej whispered in his ear.

 

“What is?” His voice shook more than it ever had.

 

He had been broken into pieces and rebuilt anew.

 

He’d of course taken care of himself before. Nothing he’d achieved with his own hand had ever come close to what Inej had just done to him. He couldn’t imagine how it would feel when they were able to make love if being physical with Inej through clothing felt this good.

 

“You.” Inej whispered and he pulled back to look at her, he felt her legs still trembled slightly from her own release.

 

“I’d say that was a battle won.” Kaz sighed and he leaned his forehead into her shoulder, he was still catching his breath.

 

“I agree.” Inej said just as breathlessly.

 

“We can do laundry while we’re here, can’t we?” Kaz mumbled.

 

“Yes. I suspect we’ll have to at least a few times.” Inej chuckled. Kaz agreed, now that they could find this release with each other, he didn’t know how he’d be able to keep his body in line. He prayed their demons allowed them another moment like this, soon.

 

Inej gently slipped off his lap and fell to her back on the bed beside him. Her face was still flushed and she had a brilliant smile on her face. Kaz was helpless but to lean over and kiss her lips once more before he moved to find new pants.

 

“I love you, mera chaar.” Inej whispered from behind him as he began to walk to the bathroom.

 

Kaz paused and looked back at his girl, blissfully splayed on the bed and enjoying the afterglow of everything they’d just done.

 

“I love you, Inej. And for the love of your saints, please don’t put pants on while I’m gone.” Kaz rasped with a wistful glance at her bronze legs.

 

Inej’s laugh followed him to the bathroom.

 

Kaz didn’t know how he’d earned any of what just happened, he didn’t know how he’d earned Inej’s heart, either. Kaz already knew he would have been content to just sleep next to her for the rest of his life; but now he had hope. He had hope that they’d have a night just like this, but he’d be laying down next to her, completely bare.

 

Kaz wondered what Inej would say when he told her what the apartment building he’d bought was for. He couldn’t wait to ask her; he couldn’t wait to live.

 

As he laid back down beside his Wraith, Kaz Brekker felt alive. He felt free.

 

Chapter 58: So It Begins

Summary:

The beginning of a new day.

Notes:

Chapter 58!

Hey everyone! Ah! Thank you so so much for being patient with me this week, if you didn't see my comment on the last chapter, work stuff got in the way of my editing and writing time and you know how it is- sometimes life just gets in the way when you least expect it.

Anyways, I should be back to normal/normal-ish upload times now. This one is shorter because it was originally part of the next chapter, but I elected to break them up into two- hope you love it still! I'll have the next part up tomorrow. :)

Side note, it's come to my attention that this story no longer shows up in searches under the Kaz and Inej tag, ever since i changed the rating on my last chapter. I can't find it at all unless i search for this story specifically by title. It saddens me so much, I don't know how to fix it. I used to have one of the top word counts when you filter your search, but it no longer shows up at all, even when i log out and look as a guest. I don't know what else to do, I've tried contacting archive multiple ways through their support center and no one has even gotten back. It just makes me sad that new people won't be able to find this story- let me know if you guys have any ideas. Or if you can find it when you search the Kaz/Inej tag or filter it by word count. I just don't know why it stopped showing once I changed the rating.

ALSO THIS STORY HIT 10k READS. WHAT? HOW? I DON"T UNDERSTAND. THANK YOU SO SO MUCH. THIS GIVES ME HOPE THAT MAYBE PEOPLE CAN STILL FIND MY STORY? I DON'T KNOW BUT WOW. I THOUGHT MAYBE I"D GET A COUPLE READS WHEN THIS STARTED. YOU HAVE ALL SHOOK ME TO THE CORE AND YOU ARE TREASURES. THANK YOU AGAIN.

Drop me a comment with what you think! I've missed you all this week- I'll try to get back to everyone ASAP because I love chatting!

"Afterglow" by Ed Sheeran

INEJ

Warmth and safety were her first thoughts as her eyes squinted open. Inej’s mind was groggy as she woke in the dim morning light filtering from the lone window of the caravan. Kaz’s breath hit her neck, his arm was wrapped protectively around her waist, his other arm under her head. They were pressed together tight under the blankets and Inej realized she had no desire to remove herself from the entanglement of Kaz Brekker’s sleeping form. She wished she could see his face but she settled for snuggling deeper into his embrace. His arm only tightened at her waist with her movement. Inej smiled when she heard a disgruntled noise of objection from Kaz in his sleep, he’d seemed to think she was moving to get up.

 

“Stay, ‘Nej.” A tiny whisper escaped his lips and his breath hit the back of her neck once more. Inej smiled to herself, she had no plans to go anywhere. Last night had been a miracle from the saints themselves, she still didn’t know how they’d both managed to get this far. Her body felt loose, relaxed, and contented. A small amount of the very real and physical tension that had built up between herself and Kaz had been released last night. She couldn’t wait for the future.

 

“I’m here, love.” Inej whispered and he pushed closer to her at the sound of her voice. Kaz in the morning after a night like they’d shared was something new, he was attached. Inej loved it. She’d always loved the sight of Kaz in the morning, but this was even better than what she’d seen thus far. Inej was overcome with the want to see his face again, but she also wanted to let him fall back into a deep sleep, if he could.

 

After a moment, Inej decided she would turn to him, she couldn’t help herself. She began to shift under his arm and then rolled over; causing a slight frown to mar Kaz’s lips despite his eyes still being shut. Inej noticed his hair was a disarray, flattened and pointing directions she’d never seen. Inej also noticed she’d… she’d bitten him harder than intended last night. There were love marks on his throat of her own creation. Two of them, one near his collar bone, one just below his jawline.

 

            Damnit. She liked it very much. She had been the only woman to ever have Kaz Brekker in her arms, the only woman to mark him in a moment of sheer love. Everyone would see at least one of the marks even when he put on a shirt. Inej couldn’t bring herself to care, it had been a night she once would have thought impossible, for both of them. She had faith now that, someday, she would look down at both their bodies in the morning and not find a stitch of clothing on their persons.

 

            Kaz kept his arm at her waist and tugged. He wanted her closer. Inej moved closer and she wondered if it would be a bad idea to kiss him with his eyes still closed. She didn’t know if that would trigger his own demons. If he didn’t see her coming, would he drown? Inej wasn’t sure. She didn’t want to tempt it. Instead, she asked. She knew he was at least half awake.

 

            “May I kiss you?” Inej whispered gently.

 

            “Took you long enough.” Kaz’s eyes didn’t open but a small smirk danced on his sleepy face. His voice in the morning. It was a noise she could listen to for the rest of her life, his stone on stone rasp only grew deeper with the remnants of sleep. Inej also noted the dust of shadow along his jaw line, he hadn’t shaved since they’d left the ship in Os Kervo. It was highly distracting. Kaz looked lazy, rugged. It was a sight Inej would cherish.

 

            “Well if you’re keen on complaining I withdraw the offer.” Inej mused as she laid her head back down on his arm. Kaz’s eyes squinted open and a frown returned as she made quite a show of keeping her lips to herself.

 

            “Counter offer, I kiss you.” Kaz mumbled and inched closer.

 

            “Rejected.” Inej grinned when his eyes focused on her lips.

 

            “I won’t complain anymore. Come here.” Kaz rasped and Inej felt his hand tug on her waist again. He folded easily, he wanted her near.

 

            Inej enjoyed this side of Kaz. Kaz who was very direct with his wants, with his affections. Kaz who was free and in bed shirtless and far away from any responsibility. It was a beautiful thing.

 

            Inej rolled her eyes but moved closer to him. She felt his arm tighten around her as she leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips.

 

            “Good morning.” Inej smiled when he moved forward, chasing a second kiss.

 

            “Morning, Wraith.” He sighed and leaned his head back down against the pillow. His hand was rubbing soothing circles on her lower back and Inej let her eyes flutter shut. A moment later she felt Kaz lean forward and his lips met her throat, just under her ear.

 

            Good morning indeed, Kaz Brekker.

 

            “I think we should stay right here for the rest of the day.” Kaz mumbled in between kisses to her skin that made her wonder if last night should repeat itself now.

 

            “I can’t, my family will break down the door if we do not make an appearance.” Inej whispered, though her voice shook when Kaz’s lips dared to brush the shell of her ear.

 

            “Then let’s barricade the door.” Kaz chuckled with a soft nip to her ear. His breath was warm and his whispered rasp sent a shiver down her spine.

 

            “What about coffee?” Inej chuckled breathlessly. She knew how to appeal to Kaz. Even if every part of her wanted to agree to his plan of warm isolation in their caravan.  

 

 

            “I’ll live.” Kaz mumbled and Inej smiled to herself as he continued his delicate kisses.

 

            “I don’t know, you become irritable without caffeinating.”

 

            “I can think of certain things that seem to make me far less irritable.” He whispered directly into her ear again. It sent a stream of warmth low through her body. Memories of the night before made her skin warm pleasantly.

 

            Inej turned her head and he shifted his face to her and their lips met in a kiss that made her sure he’d been plagued with the same wondrous memories.

 

            Inej let her hands wander to his hair and she let her fingertips graze his scalp, he hummed contentedly into their kiss and Inej made note to touch his hair more often, it seemed like it relaxed him.

 

            Just as their kiss deepened, a knock came from the door. Kaz pulled away from her lips with a glare to the door, as if his eyes could disintegrate whomever interrupted their peace. Inej chuckled from beside him and he turned his glare to her, but she saw his eyes soften as soon as he saw her expression.

 

            “I have to get that.” Inej whispered.

 

            “No, we are still asleep.” Kaz responded as he leaned back in to peck her lips, a punctuation mark to his decision. Inej laughed when he groaned as she silently pulled away and out of the bed.

 

            Inej fumbled in her bag and pulled out a pair of pants that she slipped on beneath Kaz’s shirt. She felt his eyes on her and she turned with a smile to find him watching her.

 

            Another knock sounded and Kaz rolled his eyes before he sat up on the end of the bed and picked his shirt up off the ground and slipped it on. Inej made her way to the door, she noticed the stove had dwindled to embers, no wonder she felt chill seeping into her bones already.

 

            Inej opened the door to a brightly smiling Khalid. It was perhaps seven bells in the morning, Inej had not expected anyone to be at their door this early. In fact, she wanted nothing more than to crawl back in the bed with Kaz.

 

            “Good morning, sunray!” Khalid chirped and Inej smiled before she realized he was clad in thermal material- running clothes.  

 

            Oh no.

 

            “Fun night?” Khalid smirked with a gesture to his own neck. Inej quirked her head as he stepped up the stairs, Inej let him pass inside before she made to look in the mirror against the wall.

 

            Oh. Kaz had also left his mark on her. A deep purple bruise was forming under her jaw from where he’d muffled his own noises the night before. Inej felt her skin warm.

 

            “Good morning, Kaz.” Khalid smiled to Kaz who was now standing in front of the sink basin, dealing with his hair. Inej heard Kaz mumble a good morning in return but he did not turn. Inej understood, Kaz did not look disheveled in front of others, she didn’t expect he was enjoying the company quite so early in the morning- especially when they’d been about to… see where things went.

 

            “Get dressed, Ghafa. You need to run with me.” Khalid turned to Inej and flashed her a brilliant smile, his green eyes bright and energetic.

 

            “What? Why?” Inej groaned. It was cold outside. Kaz was inside. Kaz equaled warm in her morning state of mind.

 

            “You’re getting on the wire before you leave, and you’re going to run with me to prepare.” Khalid continued to beam. Inej had always run with Khalid in the mornings, but she’d grown used to not running, instead she climbed or treaded the rooftops. Pulled her weight on the ship. Inej was not keen to reinstate running into her routine. It was hard to not marvel at her best friends smile, though. Inej still couldn’t believe she was here, with Khalid. With everyone. With Kaz.

 

            “Are you saying I’m out of shape? Because I’ll have you know that is not the case.” Inej grumbled with a faux frown.

 

            “Oh, I know you’re in shape. I just miss you. Run with me, please?” Khalid quirked his head in a plea.

 

            How could she resist him? Why had he always known how to make that stupid face that would ensure she would cave?

 

            “Fine.” Inej sighed and she already decided it was worth it when Khalid smiled brightly and pressed a kiss to her hair.

 

            Damn her best friend. She missed him so much.

 

            “How sweet, you both match.” Khalid laughed when Kaz turned. Kaz quirked his head before he turned back to the mirror, clearly he hadn’t noticed his bruising neck yet. Inej heard a raspy chuckle come from him as Khalid told her that he’d meet her outside in five minutes.

 

            “You left marks, Wraith.” Kaz leaned against the sink with a smirk as the door clicked shut behind Khalid.

 

            “Hush. So did you.” Inej said with a grin of her own. Kaz laughed then, his smile was one of pure happiness.

 

            Inej walked to him and wrapped her arms around his middle. His arms came up easily around her shoulders. His chin rested on her hair and Inej wondered how she could possibly be leaving this room and him to go out and run.

 

            “I’ll be back in an hour or so. We’ll have breakfast with my parents.” Inej mumbled into his chest. She felt his chin move in a nod.

 

            “Have fun running in the snow, Wraith.” He rasped as he pulled away. Inej felt colder instantly.

 

            “Stop it. Don’t tempt me to stay.” Inej grumbled as she dug through her bag for some warm leggings and one of her shirts she used for spying in Ketterdam, long sleeved and skin tight. Insulated against the cold and wind.

 

            “If I wanted to tempt you, I’d do this.” Kaz was behind her now and his arms wrapped around her waist, he pressed a kiss to her shoulder.

 

            “Stop!” Inej laughed when he lifted a hand to brush under her ribcage where she was ticklish.

 

            Kaz dropped his arms with one of his crooked grins before he walked to the stove and pushed the embers around with the poker. He tossed in a log with a new match. Inej looked out the window and noticed the sun was trying to peek through the winter clouds.

 

            Ravka. Inej still couldn’t quite believe it. How long had she dreamed of being here again? Now she was here with the man she loved in a caravan of her own, about to run with her best friend as she had up until the morning before she’d been taken.

 

            Inej shook her head, she had to believe it; it was happening. She was about to have time with the people she’d missed for years. She couldn’t wait. Warmth embraced her heart and it had nothing to do with the logs Kaz had added to the stove.

 

            Inej went to the bathroom and changed before she came to the sink basin and tamed her hair into a coil at the base of her neck. Inej noticed Kaz had retrieved his files from his bag and had settled onto the floor, using the table as a desk. She smiled to herself.

 

            “See you soon.” Inej bent and pressed a kiss to his hair and he mumbled a noncommittal agreement but he did shift his eyes to her for a moment, irises tracing her frame. He was already wearing his concentration face, Inej knew he’d set aside looking to his work on Pekka Rollins for most of the week on the journey here, she was content to let him have some time to focus. She knew he’d shower and be ready for breakfast by the time she returned.

 

            Inej rolled her shoulders back before she opened the door. Today would be the day she would really begin the journey of answering questions about what had happened to her. Her family and friends would know the truth.

 

            Inej was ready to face the day. Inej was ready to face the world. She’d made it to the other side. She’d made it here.

 

 Inej Ghafa had survived.

Chapter 59: The Smile

Summary:

Breakfast amongst family. Truth begins to be shared. A gift, most unexpected.

Notes:

Chapter 59!

AHHH. Okay, I know I said I'd have this up yesterday but I ended up re-writing like half the chapter and it's better for it, I promise you. I want to maintain quality for you all so I think it was def worth it. Thank you for your patience. I hope you guys love it!

ALSO thank you so so much for everyone telling me you can still find this story under the Kaz/Inej tag!! It's such a relief I can't even tell you. I'm not sure why I can't find it as a guest but as long as everyone else still can, I'm thrilled. Thank you thank you.

Drop me a comment with thoughts per usual! I'm getting back through now to respond to everyone as this goes live! Thank you again!

"Better Days" by The Goo Goo Dolls. I don't know why, but it just really fit for the end part of this chapter for me.

INEJ

 

            “I tap out!” Inej choked breathlessly as she dropped unceremoniously to ground at the outskirts of the camp after she and Khalid managed four laps around the entire clearing. It was at least five miles in total that they’d ran.

 

            “Oh come on! One more, ‘Nej!” Khalid smiled from above her, his dark hair sticking to his sweat slick forehead. The sun had managed to make an appearance and Inej had to squint her eyes to see his face as she tried to work her expression into a glare. Snow was soaking through her leggings and Inej grumbled as she reached a hand up for Khalid to pull her up.

 

            “No. I’m disgusting and I need to wash my hair.” Inej grumbled in suli.

 

            “Ah! Fine. But then will you and your very handsome avri agree to come to dinner with myself and Rahul? Just the four of us.” Khalid said with a wiggle of his dark eyebrows at the mention of Kaz. Inej laughed. She knew Kaz was handsome, everyone seemed to notice.

 

She felt her skin warm at the thought that only she knew what Kaz looked like when he was completely relaxed, completely unbothered by the world. It was his best look and only she knew it.

 

A phase of the moon that only she was privy to.

 

            “Yes, we’d love to.” Inej smiled as she brushed stray strands of hair out of her sweaty face.

 

            “I- I want to know what happened, Inej. If you can tell us. If- If you want to.” Khalid wrung his dark hands in front of him, his green eyes downcast to the snow trodden ground. She was not surprised he’d said something now that they were alone. Inej knew he deserved to know what had happened to her, she did want to tell him. Inej wasn’t sure if she wanted to have that conversation with Khalid alone and respectively with her cousin Rahul alone; or if it might be better to tell them the tale at the same time with Kaz by her side. Inej decided she would see how it went. She would tell them, that much was already clear.

 

            “I want to tell you. I just- last night was too much, you know? It was so much, so much happiness. But loss was there, too. I didn’t realize how overwhelming it would be, to see everyone again. To know how much I missed, how much I should have been here for…” Inej trailed off with a glance to the sky.

 

Her heart ached and soared in equal measure. She’d missed her best friend and favorite cousin’s wedding. Mahira’s birth. Her uncle Rajesh had a gray streak in his dark hair now. Nani looked amazing for her age, but she was older now, too. Time had been lost- even if so much had also been gained in her absence from the caravans.

 

“I know… I just want you to know that you can talk to me, to Rahul, too. We… we mourned you, Inej. I can’t tell you what the year after you were gone was like. Your parents… they were destroyed, Inej. We all tried to rally around them, but I couldn’t get out of bed some days. If Rahul hadn’t been the strongest one of us all, if he hadn’t been there telling us to keep hoping- I don’t know. Nani cried, Inej. She cried for days. I’d never thought the woman even had the capability to cry that much.” Khalid’s voice cracked, his eyes finally lifted to hers and Inej saw tumultuous waves of emerald in his eyes, waves of despair, backlit by the sunrays of hope that she was now before him.

 

Inej reached out and took both his hands in hers, she felt the careful callouses from years on the wire, he had just as much as she did. She felt the burn marks from his torches. Khalid breathed fire, in the acts. He was the best out of all of them, she had longed to see him blow flames in her direction as she cried herself to sleep in the Menagerie. Now he was here, and all Inej wanted was for Khalid to smile again.

 

“I know. I know. I- I’m here. I’m not quite the same, but I’m here.” Inej whispered, her own voice cracking. She designed her face into a smile for her oldest friend, though. She wanted him to see, to know she would not leave him in the dark. She’d lived, and so had he. He’d lived through the loss of her and came out the other side, too.

 

Khalid didn’t respond, he simply pulled her to his chest in the Ravkan morning sun and held her close. Inej wrapped her arms around his muscular frame and breathed in the permanent smell of fire smoke that reminded her only of him, of the closest thing she had to a brother.

 

“We still don’t know how the Lantsov King’s scouts found your parents; how they knew to find them and bring them to you in Kerch.” Khalid mumbled into her hair. Inej gripped him tighter. That much she would tell him now.

 

“Kaz sent them.” Inej whispered and Khalid pulled back to look at her face. Disbelief was written all over his expression.

 

“Kaz found them? Kaz, a kerch man, made the Ravkan Court bring your parents to you? What did he do? Write a strongly worded letter to the king?” Khalid choked out, a smile creeping up on his face. Inej knew how insane it sounded, but it was the truth. Kaz Brekker had done more than she’d ever thought possible.

 

Kaz Brekker was the weaver of impossible things, the pick pocket of life’s miracles.

 

Inej nodded, she didn’t hide her own grin. Kaz had not written a letter, but he’d negotiated on her behalf and she hadn’t even been aware. That much was true.

 

“Fuck, Inej. I need to know this man better.” Khalid’s boyish laughter escaped his throat and Inej couldn’t help but laugh along as she nodded. Apparently, her parents had not told her family much. She appreciated it; she knew her parents wanted it to be her choice how much she wished to share outside of them.

 

“You will know him better. Kaz… He’s the most daring man you’ll ever meet. At least I know that to be true for myself. I love him for it.” Inej said honestly, her skin warming with the confession. It seemed her skin would never stop flushing at the mention of her hearts feelings for Kaz.

 

“Most daring? Does he breathe fire?” Khalid chuckled with a gesture for them to begin walking the path back up to the main camp toward her caravan.

 

“No, not fire. Though the wit that comes out of his mouth might scare flames, if I’m honest.” Inej giggled as she looped her arm through Khalid’s.

 

Khalid laughed again and he patted her hand on his arm in a motion that said “we’ll see”.

 

A few minutes later, they’d made their way back to Inej’s caravan, she noticed footprints in the snow, next to cane prints. Kaz had left? Inej turned then and back up the path she noticed that she and Khalid had just missed her father and Kaz as they made their way toward her parent’s caravan. Her shower could wait, she wanted to join them for breakfast, now.

 

“Come on, race me there.” Khalid grinned before he loped off. Inej sighed but she pushed her tired leg muscles into motion after the blur that was Khalid. It was almost unfair. His legs were much longer.

 

Inej lost the race. The door to her parent’s caravan was open and Khalid dropped to the steps only moments before she made it there as well- completely out of breath. She looked up to find Kaz and her father smirking from the doorway, they’d clearly been about to go inside. Kaz was all crisp lines and clean shaven. Inej was the opposite on every end of the spectrum. Dirty hair, crumpled clothes, and sweaty.

 

“Knew I’d win.” Khalid laughed breathlessly from beside her.

 

“You had a head start, shevrati.” Inej laughed in between gasps for air from her spot on the steps.

 

“Khalid always had a head start, always been your reasoning, little girl.” Her father laughed and Inej managed a glare up at him. Kahir Ghafa was set off in a fit of chuckles at her expression. Kaz was restraining his own smile, dark eyes alight with amusement.

 

“It’s true. I’ve almost always beaten you fair and square.” Khalid jested.

 

“No! Your legs are twice mine, shut up.” Inej cried but her lips quirked up, traitorous things that they were.

 

“I recommend becoming a cripple, no one makes you run.” Kaz added with a crooked grin and it earned him a boisterous round of laughs from Khalid and Papa.

 

“Oh, stop it! All of you. Kaz, do you feel like bruising my leg with your cane? Khalid couldn’t argue when I refuse to suffer morning runs again if I were injured.” Inej grinned wickedly up at Kaz.

 

“No. You’re running with me, Ghafa. Your avri cannot protect you.” Khalid mumbled with a smile as he stood and held a hand out to Inej.

 

“Also, Darling, I will not be assaulting you with my cane. I’d rather not be hung by your father.” Kaz smirked and Papa laughed and clapped him on the shoulder over his coat.

 

“All of you, I’m freezing. Choose- In or out! Just shut the door!” Mama yelled from behind Kaz and Papa from inside the Caravan.

 

“Yeah, Inej. You’re making Aunt Sharya freeze by complaining.” Khalid joked and Inej rolled her eyes as he pulled her to her feet. Inej let go of Khalid’s hand as he made his way up the stairs, Inej had suspected he would stay for breakfast. Her Papa and Khalid made their way inside. Inej faced the open door above her and found herself taking a deep breath. She had not been inside her family’s caravan yet. She’d been taken from this very place by the slavers as they’d been camping near the coast after shows in Os Kervo, four years ago. She squeezed her eyes shut. She remembered it clearly:

 

She thought it was Papa, coming to drag her out of bed, telling her to stop being lazy. She was wrong, it had been terrible intruders. They’d grabbed her legs, fingernails scratching her ankles. Her head had hit the ground in a loud thump as they pulled her out from under the sheets. She had tried to scream. No one had heard her. It had been the last time she’d seen the inside of her family home. Her screams had seemed dull compared to the crash of waves on the beach near the cliffs.

 

“Inej.” Kaz said quietly, his voice seemed far away from her ears, despite that she knew he was right in front of her on the steps. Inej tried to shake the memories off as she opened her eyes.

 

“I’m here, we’ll go in together.” Kaz rasped in a whisper so that no one inside the caravan could hear him. It was only for her, only he knew quite how far these demons reached; how many of her heart strings they plucked on their own accord.

 

Kaz used the crow’s head of his cane to tip her chin up, he did not use his hand. Inej suspected it was because he wasn’t sure if she should be touched right now, despite the leather covering his hands. Inej had just touched Khalid’s hand a moment before the memories came bubbling to the surface of her. Inej forced her eyes to focus on Kaz. He was a step up from her, it made him seem much taller. Inej almost winced, the men who’d taken her… they’d seemed so large compared to her fourteen-year-old self, who was perhaps an inch or two shorter than she was now at eighteen. She was a woman now. Strong. Safe.

 

Kaz seemed to see something she hadn’t meant to betray because he took a step down so he was his normal height next to her. He was still much taller but Inej was used to Kaz at this height, something in her settled a little bit. It was a reaction she hadn’t known she would have, something that hadn’t happened before. She suspected it was because they stood in front of where she’d been dragged out. Where her worst nightmare began.

 

“Together?” Inej forced her throat into line to make words. She hadn’t meant it to come out as a question, but some part of her was still just that little suli acrobat girl, scared and standing alone against evil men and women.

 

“Together, Inej.” Kaz whispered back to her and she shifted her gaze back to him. She heard her mother call from inside the caravan. Inej held out her hand, she wanted Kaz’s palm in hers as she stepped across this threshold. She knew she could battle the memories alone, she was also excited to see her home. She’d been so eager the night before, but something had made her pause today. She’d accept Kaz’s unwavering strength under the leather of his gloves, she’d let him help her up these stairs and through that door and back into the light of the future; away from the void and blackness of her past. She’d let him fight this battle with her, she wanted him to, even if she didn’t need it.

 

Inej nodded and he gripped her hand in his as she led them up the stairs and into the caravan.

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            Inej felt warmth blast her cheeks as she stepped inside with Kaz and dusted snow off her shoes on the small carpet, she heard the crackle of flames from the stove.

 

            “Let me take the coat!” Mama was ushering to take Kaz’s coat and he smiled to her as he handed it over to her, straightening his blazer. Inej still wished she’d had time to shower, though she supposed Khalid was in the same state as she.

 

            Inej turned and had a moment of strange déjà vu. Her parents caravan was exactly the same as she remembered, yet different. There were new curtains on the windows on either side of the space. She saw the crimson curtains in the back of the space that led to her parent’s “bedroom”, a space that was under the loft. The loft that held many floor cushions and a spare bed roll above, there was a small wooden ladder leaning against the wall that she had played on as a small girl. She noticed the alcove that had served as her space in her childhood still had her small bed, made neatly with her dark amethyst sheets. The cushions a myriad of colors strewn decoratively. The curtains were tied to the side; she’d picked them herself. An emerald green that she only ever shut as she dressed, there had been no reason to close them otherwise. She noticed a chip in the floor. It might have been where she’d hit her head as she’d been dragged. Inej tore her eyes away before memories could creep back up on her. She saw the same large round table she remembered in the center of the caravan. Khalid and her father were already settled on cushions, pouring coffee. Inej noticed her mother had many plates of fruit and eggs and pan bread laid out on the small work table that resided on the far side of the room next to an ice box and a small kitchen sink basin. She remembered making herself snacks there, late at night with Papa as a little girl.

 

It was all color, warmth, memories. Inej took another deep breath and she felt Kaz reach for her hand once more, he squeezed her fingers.

 

 Inej then noticed Nani coming out of the bathroom closet. Her grandmother was clad in dark warm leggings and a long sleeve top, a sash of turquoise silk wrapped around her neck as a scarf. Her hair was pulled to the side in a braid, showing her doubly pierced ears and studs of gold.

“Inej!” Nani smiled wide and made to hug Inej but crinkled her nose, a sour look on her face.

 

“Oi, girl you must bathe.” Nani chuckled and Inej laughed alongside her.

 

“Blame Khalid, he made me run, Nani.” Inej mumbled with a squint of her eyes in Khalid’s direction. Nani rolled her eyes and turned her head to also glare at Khalid who avoided her eyes with years of practice as he gulped a sip of coffee.

 

“Surely you are lucky you can smell like that and this boy still holds your hand.” Nani chuckled in Kaz’s direction and Inej saw Kaz swallow under her eyes but a grin unfolded on his mouth.

 

“She is lucky.” Kaz quipped and Nani laughed freely. Inej huffed a breath of false exasperation.

 

Inej had a feeling Kaz and Nani’s sarcasm in the same room was a dangerous combination.

 

“Keep him.” Nani pointed to Kaz with a smile as she turned away and picked up a mug for her own coffee.

 

A few moments later, Inej and Kaz had settled to the table as well and Inej noticed Kaz dropping a sugar cube into his coffee out of the corner of her eye. Mama placed the serving plates down on the table before them.

 

Inej listened as Mama talked with Khalid and Papa about the upcoming weather and about the practice tents and wires that were set up at the far end of the clearing, she remembered how severe weather meant the tents either needed to be collapsed or reinforced with beams planted into the ground around the infrastructure. Apparently more snow was coming in. Kaz was in the middle of loading some fresh berries onto his plate when Nani piped up from across the table.

 

“So, Kaz, tell me about yourself.” Nani said with raised brows as she took a sip of coffee. Inej felt Kaz go slightly rigid beside her, to anyone else, he looked completely at ease, but Inej saw his eyes flicker to her momentarily. She saw his nerves in the face of her grandmother, he didn’t even try to hide them from her.

 

“What would you like to know?” Kaz rasped after he cleared his throat and took a sip of his own coffee. He was steeling himself for questions just as much as Inej had been preparing.

 

Inej knew Nani would ask about her as well, she just wasn’t sure when. She also wasn’t entirely positive how much Mama and Papa had shared with her grandmother after Inej had returned them to Ravka on her maiden voyage. Inej didn’t suspect much, but perhaps more than they’d relayed to Khalid. Inej could not read her grandmother easily, if Nani knew where Inej had been, who Inej had become, she did not give it away. Nani did not give away if she knew anything of Kaz and his life, either. Inej was glad her parents and Khalid were seemingly wrapped in their own conversation, for the moment.

 

“Well, how did you meet my granddaughter?” Nani asked innocently and Inej almost choked on the blackberry she’d just popped into her mouth.

 

How were either of them to answer that? Inej had been in a pleasure house and Kaz had been there. It wouldn’t make sense if he wasn’t a patron, which Kaz most definitely had not been. But how did they give a shorthanded answer to the question without making it seem as though Kaz had also purchased her? Inej realized this was one part of the story she hadn’t even thought about answering, she felt dim for it. She wanted to tell the truth, for Kaz to tell the truth. She also did not want to dive into the whole steaming pot that had been her life since she was taken, now.

 

“It’s a long story, which I’m sure we’ll have time to tell you fully, or Inej will, rather. But short story? We met because my… employer, he hired Inej to work for him after she was able to leave the persons whom indentured her. He bought out the contract so that Inej would work and be able to pay it off herself and be free, not on the run from Kerch government for indenture abandonment. It sounds terribly convoluted, I apologize. It’s just the short story doesn’t really work without the context of the long one.” Kaz rasped and Inej noticed Khalid had turned his face to the conversation.

 

Inej realized Kaz had told only truth. Technically, Per Haskell had bought her contract. Technically, Kaz was under Haskell’s leadership at that point. Granted, Kaz had convinced Per Haskell to buy her contract; Kaz had been the one to really “hire” Inej.

 

“Nani, it sounds dire, but to put it plainly, Kaz helped to get me out of an awful place. Where the slavers had brought me. That’s how we met. We became friends after we became work associates.” Inej added, and she felt Kaz’s hand land on her knee under the table. She knew the contact was for both of them, reassurance to their nerves.

 

Nani nodded, a small smile on her lips.

 

“Doesn’t sound entirely dire to me. I do expect that full story, Inej.” Nani narrowed her dark eyes on Inej. Inej nodded, happy to place that conversation in a folder marked “later & private”.

 

“Something else, then. Where are you from? I know you’re from Kerch. But where?” Nani said conversationally to Kaz. Inej knew this was a question that Kaz had managed to answer in the face of her parents, she hoped he could here, too.

 

“Lij. It’s a farming village. My family were farmers for generations.” Kaz answered though Inej felt his hand squeeze her knee, she wasn’t sure he was even aware he’d done it. It seemed like he was reminding himself that she was beside him. Inej would lend whatever strength he needed, her heart felt warm whenever Kaz was able to confess even these small things of himself. It was something he never would have been able to do a year prior; not even to her. Now, Inej knew his story. Kaz was learning to share parts of it with those they trusted, too.

 

Inej noticed her parents were both smiling as they loaded their own breakfast plates, they’d heard this from Kaz already when they’d had dinner their first night back in Ketterdam.

 

“Interesting, yet you live in Ketterdam? Are you still close with your parents?” Nani asked, unaware of the weight of the question. To anyone else, it was perfectly easy to answer. Not for Kaz. Inej let her hand fall to Kaz’s gloved one on her knee. She squeezed encouragingly. It was up to Kaz how he wanted to answer, he had not even answered this question to her parents- he’d only said he had no family left in Lij. They hadn’t asked him explicitly if he had any family at all. Inej would support whatever answer he wanted to give.

 

Kaz looked up to her grandmother and set down his coffee cup, he was rigid. Inej wondered if perhaps he was going to avoid the question entirely, she knew he was not used to answering in truths.

 

“Yes I live in Ketterdam. My parents died when I was young, I’m afraid. No family left to speak of.” Kaz rasped.

 

Only Inej would notice the slight bob of his adam’s apple, the tenseness in his shoulder blades under his blazer. That truth had been something Kaz had to rip from the walls of his armor. This time, he’d done it for her grandmother. He’d decided he wanted to tell her, for himself. Not for Inej. She felt a flutter in her stomach as he squeezed her hand tightly.

 

Nani nodded, something akin to sympathy in her eyes- though not quite. Inej knew her grandmother was not one to pity, but she felt sorry for Kaz’s loss nonetheless.

 

“Well, now you have family to speak of.” Nani said with a smile, already reaching for the plate of eggs to serve herself. Inej looked to Kaz; he had a strange look on his face; like something had happened that hadn’t been a part of his grand scheme. Kaz looked confused, surprised. He was frozen in place as he stared at the basket of blackberries on the table. Inej squeezed his hand.

 

“True.” Papa parroted as he poured cream into his mug. Mama nodded with a brilliant smile in Kaz’s direction. Khalid tipped his head in Kaz’s direction with a grin, too.

 

Kaz finally tore his gaze up from the table, his lips quirked up slightly.

 

Inej was once again the only one who noticed the small tells of Kaz. His shoulders relaxed. His expression brightened a bit, somehow.

 

His eyes were glassy.

 

Kaz Brekker had just been told he had a family, and Inej had witnessed the words sinking into him. He hadn’t asked for it, and if she’d asked if he wanted it, he would have refused profusely. Kaz would have said he didn’t need such sentimentality. Inej knew it was because he didn’t feel he deserved that kind of life, that kind of love. He was wrong, Kaz deserved it as much as she did. So, instead, her family handed him warmth and love without permission. They asked for nothing in return but his presence.  

 

Inej remembered how her heart had felt like a dry creek bed, once. Perhaps Kaz’s heart hadn’t been prepared for this much rain, either. His smile told her it was true.

 

Kaz smiled the smile. The one with the dimple.

 

KAZ

 

            Family. Who would have thought.

 

            I miss you, Jordie. I wish you could meet the rest of them. I wish you could meet her.

 

Chapter 60: Nineteen

Summary:

A celebration.

Notes:

Chapter 60!!!!

Okay. Wow. This is one I'm kind of nervous to upload, I took two extra days writing and then deleting and so on. At first I was hesitant, I didn't know if I could make this chapter exactly what I wanted... but now I feel pretty happy with it. I hope it was worth the wait, it's a pretty big deal as far as milestones go, in my opinion. Also a much longer chapter again, due to combination of scenes. Seriously, I really really hope you guys like it. It's a spicier one.

Warning: This chapter contains smut/spice. I just... I'm nervous because this is the first closer to explicit scene that I've written, but they don't even touch. You'll see what I mean. I really hope i did okay and let me know what you think. At first I was like, "you just did spice" but I had always wanted this scene to be here at this point in the story so I elected to stay true to myself. I hope it makes you smile and that I did decent with the spice. I wanted it to be very special, it's important to me that the love shines through.

PS- Don't worry! it's set up so if you want to skip the spice, just stop reading before the warning! No worries, you still won't miss out on the story!

Anyways, drop me a comment with what you think! I'm getting back to everyone over the next few hours and I can't tell you guys how much I appreciate every comment- you guys literally make my day all the time. Love you all and thanks for every bit of support on this story- it means the world.

ALSO thank you to everyone who's checked out my new pre-SoC fic!!! I'm so excited to finally start sharing those scenes and ideas with you all and I can't thank you enough for giving it a shot. Much love, many kudos.

KAZ

 

            “Do you want to come to the practice tents, mera tarre?” Kahir Ghafa was asking Inej as Kaz slipped on his coat. They’d had breakfast and Kaz was once again surprised that he didn’t feel completely out of place amongst Inej’s family- he wondered if he’d ever really be able to refer to the Ghafa’s as theirfamily. He found he wanted to.

 

Kaz wanted the day to come when he could really believe that this life was his, that he and Inej had somehow found their way to each other in this ruthless, backhanded, crooked world that still held magic in its seams of stars and darkness.

 

“I will tomorrow, Papa. We are going to dinner with Khalid and Rahul tonight but until then, I want to shower and we have plans.” Inej smiled brightly with a glance to Kaz.

 

Kaz didn’t know they were having dinner with Khalid and Rahul, Inej must have made those plans on her morning run with Khalid, who had just left with Nani moments before. Kaz didn’t know what other plans Inej spoke of until tonight, but he found he didn’t mind being left out of the Wraith’s scheme. Inej could tote him around as far he was concerned, he had no work to worry about. Though, he did find his thoughts drifting to Ketterdam every few minutes. Somehow, knowing Jesper was there along with Wylan, helping look after the Crow Club and the Dregs- it brought Kaz something like peace of mind. Even if he was still out of his element, no job to plan, no impossible task to make possible.

 

He didn’t know how long this peace would last, but Kaz was content enough to shut the door marked “Dirtyhands” for a few Ghezen forsaken days in the face of Inej’s people.

 

Kaz realized Inej was looking at him expectantly. Damn her.

 

“Right, Plans. Dinner with Khalid.” Kaz used his best “I absolutely know what she’s talking about” voice when he spoke to Inej’s father.

 

“Very well. Stop by later before you go to dinner, though. We’re your parents, we get first reserve on the docket.” Sharya spoke as she placed a kiss to Inej’s cheek and Inej nodded and promised her parents that they’d see them later before she reached for Kaz’s hand.

 

A moment later, Inej was walking with him down toward their caravan and Kaz found he was still intent on his earlier plans. Moments of peaceful solitude with Inej. He didn’t know if her plans reflected these same notions, but Kaz was happy to return to their space. He’d not finished looking over the most recent movements of Pekka’s stocks before breakfast, they waited for him in his carefully constructed dossier of revenge. He intended to finish looking over them as Inej showered.

 

“So what plans do we have until dinner?” Kaz rasped as he paused and kicked some snow build-up off the end of his cane.

 

“Oh… nothing.” Inej shrugged. Kaz noticed the shift of her eyes away from him. Her lip was between her teeth, hands in her pockets.

 

Inej was scheming.

 

“Spill it, Wraith.” Kaz chuckled when he noticed a dust of rosiness to her cheeks.

 

“I just did. I didn’t want the whole day to be reunions. I wanted breakfast with my parents and dinner with my friend and cousin.” Inej mumbled and she brought a hand up to tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

 

Kaz didn’t understand. Nothing? Why did she seem like there was a plan formulating behind her casual demeanor? It seemed his careful and calculated mind had failed him once again when it came to his Wraith.

 

“Then why didn’t you want to go when your father asked?” Kaz asked as they approached their caravan, Inej fished the key out of her pocket.

 

“Let me worry about that.” Inej flashed him a smile over her shoulder as she unlocked the door and slipped inside.

 

Kaz sighed before he walked up the steps. Kaz was not one for being left out of a plan, but no part of him wanted to argue the matter further. If Inej had her reasons for rejecting further plans, he’d find out soon enough.

 

The door clicked shut behind him and Inej was toeing off her shoes on her way toward her bag by the bed. Kaz noticed she reached into the dresser for something- he hadn’t been aware she’d unpacked anything. She tucked a bundle of clothes beneath her arm before she turned to him.

 

“I’m going to shower; will you light the stove fire up again? I prefer not freezing when I exit the water.” Inej smiled softly and Kaz nodded. He’d already planned on it when he felt the draft as they’d entered.

 

Kaz heard the shower water running a few minutes later and he busied himself with lighting the stove up and some of the lanterns near the bed and the table. Kaz also shut the curtains above the stove, the window looked directly to where Inej would exit the bathroom. It was something ridiculous, but if Inej exited in a towel, he did not want other eyes to see. Not because he was protective, although that was part of it, but he suspected Inej would not feel comfortable if someone walked past and saw her indisposed; despite the relative private grove of pines that their caravan was nestled in.

 

Kaz shrugged out of his coat and blazer and hung them on the clothing rack before he made his way back to the table where he’d left his folder on Pekka Rollins. Kaz sat down to the ground on a floor cushion somewhat stiffly, his leg was grateful for the reprieve. It had not fully recovered from all of the travel and walking he’d put on it the past two days in the frigid Ravkan winter weather.

 

He was half way through a page of stock reporting on Rollins when he heard the shower water shut off.

 

Kaz ignored the very real part of him that was still thinking of the night before, the part of the night that had been only for himself and Inej. He had marks to prove it, left by the devious little wraith herself. Surprisingly, her parents and her grandmother had ignored them. Or not noticed. Khalid noticing had been one thing, but he didn’t know what he would have said if her parents had made a comment.

 

Kaz ended up reading through the stocks and making notes for another fifteen minutes before the shower closet door opened from behind him. Kaz had just been about to check on Inej when she hadn’t come out after the water shut off; but he heard the bathing alcove curtains being pulled shut. Kaz assumed Inej wanted her privacy so he resisted the urge to look back toward the curtains.

 

He read the same line of numbers four times before he regained his focus.

 

Brekker, get it together. You have work. Work. But… Inej. No. Work. No. Inej. His two sides continued warring as he finally settled back into the careful calculation of scheming Pekka’s demise.

 

Kaz heard the sink basin run a few times. He also heard the spritz of something. He didn’t know what, it sounded like a perfume bottle. Inej never wore perfume, as far as he knew.

 

No. Not your concern right now. Revenge.

 

Kaz continued his work for a few more minutes before he felt Inej grow closer, even from only a few feet away. Inej’s bronze hands dropped to his shoulders from behind him. Her lips pressed a kiss to his hair and he realized he hadn’t been wrong. Inej smelled like… night blooms and sandalwood, still with the very natural hernote of incense and pine and sea air. Perfume.

 

All of the sudden, Kaz understood how Inej thought his cologne somehow made him smell more like himself. Inej smelled like Inej, but heightened. It sent a flood of warmth through his veins.

 

Kaz was about to turn to her when she whispered.

 

“Don’t turn around yet. Please.” Inej took a deep breath. Kaz wanted to see her. He didn’t know why he couldn’t turn, Inej didn’t sound nervous. She sounded… steeling. Her voice didn’t shake, but there was an undercurrent of something like anxiousness in her tone. Kaz obeyed, though. He would never look if Inej asked him not to, it was a promise he’d made to both himself and her. Inej could be in a towel and not having a good day with her own demons. He understood. He was not so naïve as to think they both wouldn’t still have bad days, battles lost. There were many wars left to be fought.

 

Numbers blurred before his eyes and he dropped his pen on the table. There was no continuing to focus when he knew Inej was doing something behind him. He heard a match strike and he knew Inej must have lit the candles on the dresser. The room was brighter than in the evenings, but with the curtains on the window shut, the caravan seemed to encompass the word “warmth”. Dim, yet bright enough, somehow. Kaz let his eyes drift to the door as he waited for Inej; he noticed he’d forgotten to lock it behind them. Kaz knew that no one would enter without either himself or Inej’s permission but… Ketterdam’s habits were engrained in him. Leaving doors unlocked in the barrel meant inviting theft; granted, those laws didn’t apply to him. Locks were his dearest friends; he could easily charm them to open for him regardless of their intended purpose. He chastised himself for missing the lock. He could not be sloppy upon his return to Ketterdam. He needed to keep himself sharp, even in this safe place.

 

            Inej moved closer to him and he heard her take another deep breath. Kaz had no idea what Inej seemed to be steeling herself for- he was at a loss.

 

            “Stand up. Then you can turn around.” Inej mumbled. Kaz grabbed his cane and used it to push himself back to his feet before he turned around.

 

            Inej was wearing silk. Silk of a different breed than any other he’d seen before. Silk robe. Short amethyst silk robe. His mind stopped forming sentences. Her hair was drying in slightly damp waves that cascaded to her waist. Her eyes were lit up in the candle light and her smile was bright and wide and beautiful. Kaz felt his own breath hitch in his throat. How? Why? Did he do something to earn this smile?

 

Kaz noticed then that Inej was holding something. Two somethings. A small box and a plate of… licorice? His favorite candy. There was a candle sitting in the center of the arrangement of semi-sweet candy strings.

 

            “Happy Birthday.” Inej whispered as she held out the plate. Inej had used licorice she must have bought before they’d left Ketterdam in the place of a cake. She’d lit him a birthday candle. Kaz had forgotten entirely. He supposed today was January ninth, but he’d never celebrated it. At least, not since his father and brother had died.

 

            Kaz didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know she’d remember even if he’d forgotten completely. Inej had let him kill Hester over a month ago, she’d given him his birthday celebration already, there was no need to mark the day now. Her smile urged him to do something, say something, though.

 

            “I forgot.” Kaz confessed dumbly as his eyes wandered back down to the plate in her hands. Her smile softened as she held the plate out further. She wanted him to blow out the candle.

 

            “If you don’t wish then I’ll wish for you.” Inej chuckled as she eyed the quickly burning wick on the small stick of wax.

 

            Kaz thought for a moment. There was a time where he would have only wished for Pekka Rollins demise by his hand. That was a different time, though. Back then, Kaz would never have even been handed a birthday candle and told to wish, no one even knew his birthday. He would have killed someone if they’d tried to force the kindness on him. Or maybe just laughed and walked away- content with cold and indifferent isolation for eternity.

 

            Now, he had wishes. Really, he had one wish. Kaz took a step forward and leaned his cane against the dresser.

 

            My only wish is to love her, entirely, for the rest of our lives. My only wish is that I’m able to love her the way she deserves. If I’m honest, I want her to love me too. I only wish for her happiness, in the end, though. Even without me, if she chose that.

 

            Kaz blew out his candle and Inej laughed the laugh that made his heart ricochet in his ribcage.

 

            “What?” Kaz asked as he plucked up a string of licorice from the plate.

 

            “You make scheming face when you make wishes.” Inej giggled as she moved to set the plate down on the table. Kaz ignored the way the silk on her legs gave him a very good luck at her back side. Actually, he barely ignored it. Kaz realized this is why Inej had claimed they’d be busy for the day, she’d made a plan.

 

            Inej Ghafa had schemed a birthday scheme for Kaz Brekker.

 

            Kaz was grateful she had not told her parents or Khalid and Nani. If he was to be forced to celebrate, it would be with Inej alone.

 

            Inej turned back to him and he realized she still held a small box in her hands. It had a black ribbon tied around the top, a gift.

 

No, Inej had given him his gift. He’d been allowed to inflict copious amounts of violence on Charles Hester in her stead, alongside Jesper.

 

            “For you.” Inej smiled again as she held the box out to him.

 

            “You gave me my birthday present. It was delightfully violent, Wraith. I need nothing else.” Kaz rasped and Inej was already shaking her head, a smirk dancing on her mouth.

 

            “No, that was a birthday wish. This is a birthday gift. Well, one of them.” Inej said and he noticed a blush on her cheekbones. Kaz didn’t understand, his brain wouldn’t let him make sense of this strange life he was living.

 

Maybe he’d wake up alone in Ketterdam, Inej would be gone to sea never to return; and this entire year would prove to have actually been an elongated fever dream of sorts.

 

“One of them?” Kaz’s voice barely worked as he took the box from Inej. Memories of his childhood birthdays surfaced from the deep dark dusty wells of his memory.

 

Jordie always snuck him extra helpings of the sweet fluffy cake Da would buy from the village.

 

Da didn’t have much money, but he always made sure Kaz had a birthday cake. Jordie too. He’d always get a present, no matter how small. A book, maybe some shirts or a jacket.

 

He’d fall asleep feeling like a king, unaware they were poor at all. His brother and father always made him feel like royalty.

 

Kaz and Jordie tried to make their Da a birthday dinner when Kaz had been seven and Jordie had been eleven. They’d set eggs on fire and their Da hadn’t even been mad- he’d said he’d eat burnt eggs from two kind boys any day over a five course meal in an evil man’s restaurant.

 

Kaz hadn’t thought of his birthday or anyone else’s since the first year after his brother died. He’d written it off as nothing to celebrate. It’d been a decade now. Kaz was nineteen.

 

“One of them.” Inej was eyeing the box in his hands. Kaz knew Inej loved to give gifts. He tamped down his painful memories, his girl wanted to surprise him. Kaz would let her.

 

Kaz untied the ribbon on the box and unlatched the lid. Inside, there was a card box. Under the card box, was a key. Kaz didn’t know what it was to. He noticed there was a small piece of parchment underneath the key. He stole a glance to Inej, who was now twisting her hands in front of herself in anticipation of something. Kaz tore his eyes away from her and the plunging neckline her robe promoted.

 

In Inej’s script, the note read:

 

The key is to my Captain’s quarters. You’re welcome in my bed on the True Sea. You and I have many homes, so long as we’re both there.

 

I love you. Etma Se Saman. Happy Birthday, Kaz Elias Rietveld. Kaz Brekker. Maybe even a small birthday greeting to Dirtyhands.

 

            -Your Wraith, Captain Inej Ghafa

 

Kaz read the note twice over before he twisted the key in his hand, a small metal piece that was identical to the one on Inej’s own key ring. He knew it was a statement for Inej, the same way the attic key had been a statement for him. Their spaces were combined now, their lives mixed. Together. It was a show of their commitment, Inej had been right. This was a forever kind of thing.

 

“The card box next.” Inej whispered and Kaz only then realized he was smiling, grinning, really. He pocketed the key and then her note- which he already knew he’d pin to the wall here in their caravan, this would be the start of their tradition. They’d add pieces of themselves here to make up for the fact that Inej had not been around to help construct her suli home. Also, here, in the safety of this caravan where no one would enter when they were not present, he could allow his real name to be displayed in her note. It was safe, something that couldn’t be done in Ketterdam.

 

Kaz picked up the card box and set the original gift box to the table. He opened the deck box and took out a deck of playing cards, the backs of them were a crisp black, the only detail was a delicate curving script at the bottom of each card back: “The Crow Club.” In crimson. Kaz felt a flutter in his stomach as he turned the cards over to look at their faces.

 

They were custom. The first card he saw was the Six of Spades by the notation in the corner, but it was Crows mid-flight in delicate rows for the art instead of spades. The Six of Crows.

 

All of the cards were customized, every card had art depicting crows in some manner, while still being simplistic, easy to know the suit. When he shuffled through, he held his breath when he came to the art on all of the Kings. The art was a Crow’s skull. His cane’s head. It was when he saw the Queens, though, that he thought he might beg Inej to kiss him. The Queen cards had Inej’s emblem. The girl on the wire walking toward her crow.

 

Inej Ghafa. The most daring, enchanting, brave, and beautiful creature he’d ever encountered.

 

Kaz wanted to marry her. He didn’t care for the institution in Kerch, but he wanted to vow himself to her forever, with or without the paper to prove it. He knew he’d ask her, someday. It wouldn’t be soon, but it would happen. It would happen when he could hold her in his arms and not be afraid he’d panic. He’d decided that already when they’d entered this caravan. It was now that he was able to really admit it to himself, though. Kaz didn’t deserve the right to even consider the notion of asking her, he didn’t deserve her. Kaz didn’t think this knowledge would stop him, though. His soul demanded it, with all of its rusted broken parts.

 

“I commissioned Marya for the art when I found out your birthday from the journals. Then I got them printed. I ordered three decks, so there’s two more like it. I have one for the ship. The other one is for Jesper, I thought we could give it to him when we return, since he owns the Club with you. Maybe as a “thanks for keeping the barrel alive” or something.” Inej spurted as she twisted a piece of hair around nervously and Kaz realized he’d left her in silence.

 

Kaz needed to kiss her. He needed to thank her.

 

“Thank you.” Kaz’s voice came out broken as he stared at the Queen of Hearts.

 

“You’re welcome.” Inej smiled and she stood on her toes as she placed a delicate kiss on his lips. He wanted to kiss her better and he leaned down but Inej pulled away. Kaz quirked his head in question when Inej smiled… shyly? Blush was prominent on her collarbones above her silk robe now.

 

“I told you. Two gifts.” Inej whispered. Kaz had thought… the key and the cards. But Inej… she had said the box was one of the gifts. Kaz couldn’t possibly imagine what else she could have thought of.

 

Kaz didn’t want anything else but to kiss her, hold her, ask her what the hell he’d done to earn her company or her love. Inej’s saints performed miracles after all. His life with her was a good fucking example. He still didn’t believe in her deities, but he would thank them, this once.

 

Inej stepped forward once more and she met his eyes, he saw nerves shining through. Kaz wanted to reassure her, but for perhaps the tenth time in the past hour, he couldn’t read Inej. He didn’t know what about this second gift made her nervous.

 

“Open it.” Inej whispered, not dropping the hold she had on his eyes. Kaz looked to her hands that were now at her sides, loose fists. Kaz was about to ask her what she meant when her eyes flicked to the sash at her waist in answer to his question.

 

Oh. Inej. Oh. Inej. Inej was offering herself as the gift. Not physically, but the sight of her body. Something he knew was extremely hard for her. Inej was offering him her armor. Entirely. Kaz would be the only man to know what her body looked like because she chose to show him.

 

Kaz knew Inej did not intend for them to do anything they couldn’t handle. He was grateful for it. He felt like a kid again. He felt nervous. He wanted to do it. He wanted to see her, of course he did. Kaz’s primary reserve was he didn’t want her to vanish under his eyes. Kaz wanted Inej to stay smiling, stay present.

 

“I-” His jaw clicked shut. His body was angry he was prolonging this. How many times had he dreamed of seeing her, bare and free? Kaz wanted to be able to undress her and make love to her, but this was… this was more than he’d ever considered. He’d thought maybe he wouldn’t see her bare until they got to that point, but now that he thought about it, that didn’t make much sense. They’d need to continue to practice with removing barriers. Kaz’s eyes stayed on hers. He saw no shadows, only a nervous energy.

 

“I want you to see me, Kaz. I want everything with you. We can’t… we can’t get there yet. I decided after last night. I want this to be one normal thing, like anyone else. I want you, as my avri, to be the only person who knows what I look like. The only person I’ve ever shown, willingly. Scars and all.” Inej whispered and her voice tightened on the end of her speech. Kaz noticed she swallowed as his eyes searched hers.

 

Kaz wanted to see her. Kaz wanted this, too.

 

Kaz nodded and swallowed thickly in the face of nerves and desire in tandem. He was about to reach out when he remembered the door was unlocked. It would bother him and this could absolutely not be tainted by the idea that someone could come into their caravan.

 

“Like the candle, Kaz, if you don’t open this gift, I will.” Inej giggled and Kaz felt his lips turn up in a smile. He moved away and he heard a sigh come from Inej when he locked the door.

 

“I’m not much for sharing, darling. Didn’t want to take the chance that anyone could come in here.” Kaz laughed when Inej rolled her eyes. She’d said something similar to him on the ship to Ravka and he knew she remembered.

 

Inej was standing at the foot of the bed and her legs looked exactly as they had last night, after they’d been as intimate as they ever had. Bronze skin set to glow in the flickering light. Kaz paused as he approached her, he took in the silk, silk she’d worn for him, he realized. Inej must have bought it when she’d been to Ravka before, or maybe her mother had left her a robe here on purpose. Kaz didn’t know. It was beautiful. The only thing between himself and Inej’s presumably completely bare form.

 

Kaz Brekker had a girl who wore perfume and put on a silk robe for him to open on his birthday. He felt almost normal, for the second time since he’d been in Ravka.

 

“I love you, Inej.” Kaz whispered as he stepped to stand directly in front of her, meeting her eyes. He saw her shoulders relax a little bit, her eyes brightened. Inej needed these reminders of who he was, just like he needed the reminders that Inej was alive when he touched her skin.

 

“I love you.” Inej smiled softly.

 

Kaz reached forward and gripped the end of the silk sash in his bare hand. He kept his eyes on hers as he loosened the knot.

 

He did not let his eyes look down as the robe fluttered open. Kaz wanted Inej’s permission, whether with words or her eyes, to look. He knew she’d already given it, but he wanted to give her the time to change her mind, if she felt like she was not able to do this. He’d understand. Kaz would always be as patient with her as she was with him and his demons.

 

Inej’s eyes shown only in tentative confidence, a smile was still on her lips and she flicked her eyes down to her own body as she dropped the silk completely off her shoulders. He heard the fabric hit the carpet beneath them.

 

Kaz took a deep breath, he looked down.

 

Blood had been turned to fire under his skin, he hadn’t been prepared to know the extent of Inej’s beauty.

 

How had he gotten this lucky?

 

********** WARNING! SPICE AHEAD. DON’T WORRY! YOU CAN SKIP THIS AND NOT MISS OUT ON THE STORY! JUST STOP HERE AND YOU’VE FINISHED THE CHAPTER! **********

 

 

KAZ

 

Inej. Inej. Inej, naked. Beautiful. Bronze skin for days, for years. His imagination had done her no justice. Kaz didn’t know how he stayed standing.

 

Kaz’s eyes couldn’t focus anywhere. It was the full extent of her collar bones that caught his eyes first, gentle yet strong lines under glowing skin. His eyes traced to her chest.

 

Gorgeous. Bronze swells that he could confirm were perfect handfuls. Gentle dark peaks that were stiffened in the air with the removal of her robe. There was a scar he didn’t understand, just below her right breast. Jagged marks in a curved line. He wanted to ask but his mouth was broken. All of him was broken besides his eyes that were eager to explore.

 

Her stomach, toned, muscular, but soft. She had a small scar just above her navel, he knew it’d happened during her first year with the Dregs, she’d had to see a medic when she’d been stabbed. Thankfully, it had been shallow. Basic stitching was all that had been required. He remembered that even back then he’d felt anxiety when he’d seen her blood soaked shirt, even before he knew he was falling for her.

 

His eyes dared to continue. A fine, trimmed dust of jet black hair marked her center between her thighs. He thought he could die with the image of Inej’s naked body before him. He thought that there must have been a medical term for this type of death, or maybe it was just a death marked by glory.

 

Her legs. Her legs. Her legs. Kaz had seen them, but never completely bare. Long, strong, feminine, yet refined. He wondered what they’d feel like wrapped around his back. He was just a man, after all. The thought made his already too tight clothes, tighten further. He was sure he could suffocate, he didn’t care.

 

There were various small scars over her legs, he knew they came from climbing in Ketterdam. He saw the small belt buckle scar and chose to ignore his rage at the mark.

 

Kaz dragged his eyes back up her form, slowly, leisurely. He wanted to know every inch, he tried to remind himself that this would not be his only chance to see Inej bare. His eyes didn’t listen and drunk up her beautiful skin like water. Kaz was a stranded man in the desert; bronze as far as the eyes could see, kissed only by sunshine and hopefully, someday, himself.

 

He did not deserve this. He couldn’t help the betraying smile on his lips.

 

“I take it you like what you see, then.” Inej whispered and his eyes darted to her face at the sound of her voice that called him home.

 

“Like? No. Love? Yes. Most completely.” Kaz’s voice shook as he released a shaky breath that was something between hysterical and elated laughter.

 

“You can’t touch me yet, I know that. But maybe… if we can’t give you that sort of birthday celebration, perhaps watching… maybe that could be done.” Inej’s eyes were tracing his lips and he wanted to kiss her. It took him several moments before her words actually sunk in.

 

Watching? Watching what? Her body? Gladly. He could sit down and stare at her for the rest of his fucking life if allowed. He’d marvel in her glory until he was nothing but dust.

 

Inej turned around, away from him.

 

Oh no. Her ass… no. Climbing had done her body wonders. Kaz already knew this from her leggings that she wore for work, but… wow. His heart thumped in his chest, he loved her. All of her, he’d seen all of her now. The outside of Inej was equally as beautiful as her spirit inside.

 

 Kaz was destroyed by the entirety of Inej Ghafa, inside and out. Her back dipped softly and he noticed a small freckle at the small of her spine. He wanted… he wanted to touch. Kaz knew neither of them could handle that yet, but he wanted to. Not for the first time, Kaz craved Inej’s skin on his. His lips on hers. His body didn’t understand his mind’s fear. His body was perfectly normal, proved by his tight pants and eager eyes. His mind screamed “danger” at the thought of kissing every inch of her body. He wanted to, though. He wanted to taste her, love her, then do it again.

 

Inej moved two cushions against the wall so she could sit against them on the bed. She had not picked up her robe. Kaz didn’t know what was going on, but Inej’s eyes showed she was proud of herself. Her smile was brilliant as she looked back to him just as she sat down on the edge of the bed.

 

“What?” Kaz mumbled as he looked to her legs once more. He’d meant to ask “what am I watching?” but it hadn’t come out of his mouth entirely.

 

Inej laughed, he looked back to her face and he couldn’t stop staring.

 

Inej laughing, naked, on theirbed. Kaz had not ever seen so much impossibility in one moment.

 

INEJ

 

            Inej watched Kaz’s eyes as he raked them over her body again before she laughed. His eyes came back to her face immediately. Inej would be lying if she said this wasn’t the response she’d hoped for. She’d never thought it would be the response she received. Inej had struggled in the bathroom as she’d tied the robe on her body, but she’d made up her mind.  Her demons and insecurities couldn’t take this freedom away from her. She wanted to share her body with Kaz in the only way she could, right now. In the only way he could, as well.

 

            Inej was nothing but proud of herself, she’d held up a gesture that relied on one finger alone in the face of her demons. This was her biggest battle fought to date, it had taken a year. A year of careful practice, struggle and strife. Inej wanted to kiss Kaz senseless, but not yet. Inej wanted… she wanted to do something. Something she had thought of, after their night together previously. Inej wanted… she wanted to do something as close to normal as she could for the man she loved on his birthday. She wanted to do it for herself, more than anything.

 

            “You could… join me.” Inej felt her skin warm as she let the words flow out.

 

            “I- here?” Kaz gestured to across from her but his eyes didn’t leave hers. His breathing was as rapid as her own but she didn’t see panic in his eyes, he wasn’t gasping for air. She hadn’t touched him at all, no skin-contact whatsoever. She knew he was perhaps as nervous as she was, but she wore nothing. She wanted… she wanted to ask. Inej didn’t know how to.

 

            “I meant, well yes, the bed, but…” Inej trailed off and looked away, she busied herself with scooting back on the bed, her hair fell over her shoulders and covered most of her chest from sight. Inej flipped it back as she brought her legs up on the bed and brought her knees in front of herself. She felt Kaz’s eyes on her, trying to scheme out what her words meant.

 

            Inej reached deep into her heart for courage, she wanted to stay the course. It had taken her long enough to be able to do this in private, she wanted to share this with Kaz.

 

            Inej rolled her shoulders back once before she let her legs stretch out on the bed. Her eyes fluttered shut as she leaned back on the cushions.

 

            “Did you know that I couldn’t… I couldn’t even handle the touch of myself for the first two years after I… after the Menagerie?” Inej whispered, she kept her eyes shut. She was relaxing herself from the inside out, Inej would look to him when she felt ready. His eyes were on every movement she made, she felt Kaz’s confusion in the air, it mixed with a tension so strong it felt like a gravitational pull all its own.

 

            Like the Moon and the Sea.

 

            “I… it took work to even be able to allow myself to feel pleasure. It took finding a reason to break through those bars that had been built around those parts of myself. I didn’t know I’d ever want anything… anyone, to touch me again. Even myself.” Inej continued, she let her hands flatten on the sheets at her sides, she relaxed each finger.

 

            “What changed?” Kaz’s voice was deep, almost like in the mornings. She felt her lips pull upward at the sound. Inej would answer honestly.

 

            “You. You changed me. You made me want you.” Inej whispered as she rolled out her neck muscles. She felt pleasantly warm, from both the stove and the waves of wanting that were flowing through her veins. Inej wanted Kaz, someday, they’d get there. For now, she’d continue this path.

 

            Inej would not stop fighting her internal battles so long as Kaz was waiting on the other side of the darkness, his pale light reached her even through the heavy cloud cover.

 

            Inej thought she heard him stop breathing for a moment as she traced her own hand over her stomach, a feather light touch.

 

            “I was able to touch myself for the first time only after the auction. Never before, never before then.” Inej let the truth fall out of her mouth. Kaz didn’t need to know this, but she wanted him to. Her finger traced a circle over the center of her chest in between her breasts.

 

            “What did you think of?” Kaz asked and she heard him take a step closer to the bed. For a moment, her finger froze on her skin. A tremor of anxiety rippled through her but then she tilted her head slightly on the cushion. It smelled of Kaz’s cologne, he’d used this pillow as they slept. She took a deep breath.

 

            Kaz. Kaz won’t touch you. He’ll turn around and walk away if you ask him to. There’s no evil men, no one is going to force themselves upon you. Kaz loves you. Kaz will keep you safe, away from the void.

 

            “I thought of you. It’s always you. Your hands. Your jawline. Your smile.” Inej mumbled as her hand moved to her breast, she pinched her own nipple just slightly and Kaz’s breath hitched again.

 

            “It’s always been you, for me, too. I didn’t… I didn’t have the same problem. My own skin is the only skin that felt safe. I’m in control of that. But… I didn’t want anything, anyone, not like that. Not really, only flashes. Not until you. Not until I…. Not until I started falling in love with you.” Kaz’s voice cracked and Inej had not expected this vulnerability from him, this confession.

 

            Inej opened her eyes and found he was standing at the other side of the bed, watching her. His hands were unbuttoning the bottom of his sleeves. Inej wanted… she wanted to see him too. If he was comfortable with that. She would not touch him. That’s what Inej had wanted to ask.

 

            “Can I see you, too?” Inej whispered and her skin warmed from the forward request. Kaz raised his dark brows and she noticed a small smile on his lips, he seemed unaware it was there.

 

            Kaz reached up and undid his tie and let it fall to the ground.

 

            Inej let her hands explore her own body in feather light touches and Kaz did not drop his eyes from hers. His pupils were wide, but Inej knew it was from something far different than drowning. It was want. Dark chocolate irises dipped in obsidian, they glinted in the light from the lanterns and the stove. It was only midafternoon, but Inej was thankful for the privacy and the dim and warm atmosphere of their caravan. It felt right. It felt… perfect.

 

            Kaz began unbuttoning his shirt and he took his time with the buttons, his eyes finally dipped from hers when her hand moved back to her breast. She wanted to groan when his movements on his own clothing stopped entirely. She paused her own motions and his eyes came back to hers. She smirked when he frowned at her sudden stop. He rolled his eyes as he shrugged out of his shirt. Inej wanted to trace her hands over his chest again, the way she had the night before.

 

Inej wanted to touch him, she wanted that day to come sooner. It was a terrible thing, to want someone this much and have to wait because they’d both shatter if they pushed their limits too far, too fast.

 

Inej watched as Kaz kicked off his shoes, his socks. Inej saw him take a deep breath, when his hands came to his own belt buckle. Inej wanted to reassure him, but she did not know whether his nerves were from exposing his skin to her and fear she’d touch him, or if it was a very normal fear indeed. Inej had experienced both when he’d opened her robe, mere minutes ago. Inej was confident, but her body had scars. Her body had been taken from her time and time again and she’d forgotten what it felt like to feel beautiful, completely naked. Free of any adornment. Kaz had just helped to remind her, his eyes on her now felt exhilarating, she realized she was no longer afraid of his gaze on her skin.

 

Inej already knew Kaz was beautiful. It didn’t matter what she saw beneath his clothes, her mind was already made up. Though, Inej’s body was impatient to find out what lay behind those fine clothes. She’d… she’d felt quite a bit of his body the night before. She wanted to match the image to the sensation. Her skin warmed further at the thought.

 

Kaz’s hand shook slightly as he undid his belt, then the button on his pants.

 

“If you… If it’s too much, I understand.” Inej said then, she wanted him to know that she was patient. They’d made a deal in the middle of passion the night before, if he wanted to stop, they stopped. They’d try again another time.

 

“It’s not too much. I’m shaking because it’s… I don’t know how I got here.” Kaz mumbled and he ran a hand through his hair, a lock of raven hair fell to his forehead. Kaz steeled himself it seemed as Inej nodded, she understood. She brought her other hand up to her thigh, and traced along the top of her leg. It caused goosebumps on her arms and she nearly shivered when Kaz slid his zipper down.

 

“Look at me.” Inej whispered and Kaz met her eyes, she saw something soften in his expression when she conveyed with no words what she meant: “Look at me, forget everything else. One step, one moment, one victory at a time.”

 

Kaz dropped his pants, leaving him in shorts. Inej glimpsed the motion but she did not let her eyes leave his, he’d give her permission to look when and if he wanted to. He’d paid her the same respect; she would do the same. Kaz reached down and paused when Inej let her finger tips brush over her nipple again. Inej conveyed with her eyes once more “stay focused. You have a task to complete, Brekker.”

 

Kaz shed the remainder of his clothing and Inej still did not look, though her body grew impatient. Her skin was flushed, warmth pooled between her thighs. Kaz dropped his hold on her eyes with a glance to his own body, his eyes encouraged her to look.

 

Kaz. Kaz’s bare body was more than she’d ever been able to imagine. Inej had seen many unsolicited bare anatomies in the Menagerie, none of which had ever appealed to her because they had belonged to twisted men who saw her as nothing more than a vice; but Kaz’s body… he was exquisite. She had never seen a body that sent flames through her veins, but Kaz’s did. Inej had been right, he was beautiful. Striking.

 

Kaz was something an artist had sculpted just for her out of perfect pale marble.

 

His chest, she’d seen before, but now, with the picture completed, she realized just how much lean muscle there was beneath his pale skin. Of course she’d noticed before when he’d slept shirtless that there was a fine trail of raven hair that led down beneath his pant line from his navel. Kaz was sharp angles, through and through, an arrow of muscle directed her eyes from his hip bones… further down.

 

He was hard, Inej had expected that much, she was naked before him, after all. Now she matched the image of what she’d felt the night before to his bare length. Inej thought he was perhaps the perfect size, length. She didn’t know, but she wanted to find out, someday. She wanted to feel him, she wanted to know what it felt like when their bodies connected, when they could be as close as they possibly could be to one another. She wanted him. Her body didn’t understand why they were not moving in that direction at the current juncture, her hands had stopped all movement as she relished in the sight of him.

 

Kaz had a birthmark. She’d wondered once if he had, it was on his thigh, a small slightly pink mark in the shape of an almost perfect circle. There was a freckle on his left knee. Inej could see the slight misshapenness of his bad limb as well, his skin was unmarred there, but his knee bent just a bit out of line. She noticed several small scars clustered on his thighs, they didn’t look like stab marks, nor bullet wounds. She wanted to know what they were.

 

Her lips betrayed her with a very content smirk as her eyes danced back up his body to his face.

 

Kaz was grinning a crooked thing. Damn him.

 

“If I’d known getting naked and letting you look made your skin flush like that, I would have done it already.” Kaz quipped as he settled himself down on the other end of the bed, leaving space between himself and her ankles as he brought his own legs up onto the bed.

 

Inej laughed as she trailed her hands back over her body. If Kaz wanted to see her flushed, he’d have his wish. She would bet good kruge that he’d be flushed by the time she was done with this, too.

 

Inej let one hand move over her center, she did not part her knees. Kaz would see her, all of her, but not just yet.

 

Inej’s eyes fluttered shut when she let a finger slip further down and graze the bundle of nerves that sent flutters in her stomach. Kaz groaned when he saw her hand move.

 

“Fuck, Inej. I thought it was my birthday, why are you torturing me?” Kaz rasped and Inej opened her eyes to find him with his hands laid carefully at his sides. Kaz didn’t understand, she wanted him to find equal pleasure, just as much as she was. Even if she couldn’t do what she wanted to him herself.

 

“You can join me.” Inej whispered with a glance to his eyes. She watched as the realization sunk into Kaz. He let a hand move to his own thigh, near his very attentive length.

 

Inej let her finger graze her entrance and Kaz watched intently until Inej let her knees part, he could see what she was doing now. His eyes widened and leaned forward slightly as her own finger entered her folds.

 

“Inej.” Kaz’s voice was heavy with desire, he did not let his eyes leave her body. She saw what he was trying to tell her with his look only: “This will not last long.” Inej agreed, she was also very worked up, Kaz was not alone.

 

Her thumb spun circles over the spot that made her see stars as her finger gently thrust into herself. Inej thought she was going to lose it when Kaz moved his hand to his cock and gave himself a tentative tug.

 

Inej let her eyes focus on him as she quickened her movements. His eyes locked on hers and she imagined his hands, his body, instead of her own fingers. The thought did not scare her the way she knew it would have if it had actually been the case, it was still a step forward.

 

“I love you.” Kaz said breathlessly when she moaned louder than she knew she ever could. Her heart was racing.

 

“I love you. I can’t… I this is not going to take as long as I thought it would.” Inej sighed as her other hand fisted the sheets beside her, fingers curling in anticipation of the fall over the edge.

 

“Love, look at me.” Kaz requested and Inej stopped her eyes from fluttering shut and let her eyes move back to him, his hand moved in equal tandem to her movements, same pace chasing after his own release.

 

When her eyes met his again, she was done for.

 

“Kaz,” She breathed as her legs quivered and she fell over the edge. Waves of pleasure blasted her nerves and it was the strongest release she’d ever felt, even considering the night before. His eyes on hers as she reached the height of pleasure had made it so much… more. She saw only love and awe in his irises.

 

Her name fell off his lips only a moment later in the most beautiful, sinful tone she had ever heard come out of his mouth. He released onto his chest, protecting their bed and Inej was enamored by the way his body shook just slightly, the rise and fall of his chest. The way his mouth kept forming her name without sound as he came down from the clouds. His eyes shut tight as he rode the waves.

 

“If I’d known getting naked and letting you watch would make your skin flush like that, I would have done it sooner.” Inej whispered breathlessly as she traced a slightly pink blush from his chest to his cheeks with her eyes.

 

“Well played, mera nadra.” Kaz said breathlessly and his eyes fluttered back open with a purely satisfied male grin.

 

“Happy Birthday.” Inej whispered with a grin to match.

 

“Best one yet, have to say.” Kaz cringed at the mess on his chest but his eyes were alight with amusement as they traced over her body again.

 

“I have to shower. I hate to say this, but please put clothes on.  When I come back, I’m going to kiss you until I can’t breathe and I want that to be the only reason I can’t breathe.” Kaz stood stiffly and Inej laughed whole heartedly.

 

Kaz making jokes like that was one of her favorite things. He claimed he wasn’t funny, and yet no one else could make her laugh as hard. She loved him for it.

 

“Who said you could kiss me?” Inej managed to say to his retreating form heading toward the bathroom. She noted his backside was a pleasant surprise as well.

 

“It’s my birthday. You reminded me, it’s your fault. I want the kisses.” Kaz grumbled with a raspy chuckle as he shut the bathroom door.

 

Inej smiled to herself. Kaz wanted her, he’d have her. She enjoyed this recently found side of Kaz- the side that openly admitted what he wanted.

 

Inej wanted to kiss him just as much. This was all so new, yet Inej found she only felt more comfortable with Kaz than ever before, now. It had been an all-out war that she’d waged against her past- she’d won.

 

Inej slipped on some clothes, sleep clothes, quickly. Her only plans until the evening were to spend time in this bed with Kaz.

 

Inej waited eagerly for those promised kisses.

 

Her heart felt full of light, moonlight, to be precise.

 

Chapter 61: Light A Way

Summary:

Dinner, facing the truth.

Notes:

Chapter 61!!!

AHH. SO SORRY FOR THE DELAY. Sometimes life just gets in the way, many apologies. I hope it was worth it though. It's a longer one. It's kind of a filler, but I still love it. So excited for what's to come. Please forgive any mistakes or awkwardness, I had less time to edit this time around. I hope you guys love it and I promise if you've left a comment and I haven't gotten back, I will! It's just been a crazy week. Love you all! Thank you so so much for the support, you have no idea how much it motivates me and what it means to me.

Thanks again and drop me a comment with what you think! I've missed you all.

KAZ

 

            “I don’t want to go out in the cold.” Inej mumbled, her face was pressed into his chest from inside the crook of his arm as his other held up a sheet of Pekka Rollin’s estate holdings in front of him. Inej had elected to stay right where she was as he worked, he couldn’t complain. Inej was warm and perfect and here.

 

            Kaz still wasn’t over the fact that he’d seen every inch of her, and her him. It was… perfect. Kaz wanted her more than ever before, he was a human man, of course he did. But… what they’d shared, what they were able to be, together, that was worth more than any precious material thing that Kaz had ever seen. He let his arm tighten around her shoulder and he tossed the documents to the small bedside table.

 

            “Dread pirate Captain Inej Ghafa can’t handle a walk in the snow?” Kaz quipped and he felt Inej grumble as he placed a kiss to her hair.

 

            “Khalid and Rahul…. They deserve to know what happened to me, Kaz. I don’t know when… how to tell them. My parents were different; we were in Ketterdam. Away from everyone else. Now… I don’t know how to tell them… here.” Inej whispered and he moved his hand in idle circles on her arm. Kaz understood. He’d known this part of the journey had been coming; the time where Inej would have to decide how to answer her people’s questions, how much she wished to share. Kaz also knew he’d have to answer more than once who he was, how he knew Inej. How they began.

 

            “Would you prefer to have dinner with them alone? I can figure something else out, stay here.” Kaz rasped and he meant it. If Inej needed some hours alone with her family and best friend, he would be completely understanding.

 

            Kaz almost laughed as Inej’s arm that was draped over his middle tightened instinctively. Inej seemed intent on being with him today, near as she could. Kaz enjoyed it, he’d never… he’d never been able to have this- this comfort and peace of being leaned into. Kaz never would have thought he’d be much for physical affection, even if he’d been… normal. Turns out, he was. Inej could hug him as much as she wanted, he’d always welcome her warmth and love.

 

            “No, they want you there. Khalid said so. They want to know you better.” Inej said and Kaz felt a flutter in his stomach at the realization that somehow, others wanted his company as well. He was surprised when he looked within himself and found he longed to be there with Inej and her friends. He might even consider Khalid and Rahul friends to himself, someday.

 

            “Then we go, and you decide if you want to tell them tonight. I don’t know either of them well enough to say whether they will or will not push you, but I can say that it doesn’t matter. You choose when you want to, if you want to. If you want me there, I’ll be there. If you don’t, I get it.” Kaz said honestly as he looked to the caravan ceiling above their bed. He noticed that there were extra hooks installed, if they wished to add more lanterns or maybe plants. He’d noticed Inej’s mother had hanging plants in their family caravan.

 

            “Okay.” Inej took a deep breath and Kaz knew she was preparing herself. Inej got up off the bed after placing a kiss to his cheek, he watched her grab clothes from the dresser- they’d finally gotten around to unpacking the rest of their things this afternoon, in between the excess amount of kisses that Kaz had requested in light of his birthday.

 

            Kaz still didn’t understand. Nineteen and a birthday celebration for the first time in a decade. His avri had outdone herself. Kaz made a note to return the favor when her April birthday rolled around. After all, he already had her birthday present in Ketterdam. It would not be something to unwrap, but rather, something to unlock.

 

            Kaz busied himself with combing his hair back into place and donning a sweater over his shirt and tie. He’d bought it for this trip, something only slightly more casual than a blazer. It was jet black and would be warm against the Ravkan wind on their walk to Khalid and Rahul’s caravan.

 

They needed to get going, Kaz noted as he slipped his time piece into his pocket. Kaz found he was… excited. He wanted to know Khalid and Rahul better, too.

 

INEJ

 

            Inej braided her hair to the side for the night, it fell nearly to her waist and she was finally ready to face whatever the evening held before her. Inej was both excited and nervous, she knew that last night at dinner Khalid and Rahul had been happy to talk only of themselves, giving her space and time to reacquaint herself with the suli people and the caravans. Inej reminded herself repeatedly that Kaz would be there, too. He could help her tell the story if she decided to do it. Inej laced up her boots over her leggings, she’d grabbed one of her new long sleeve shirts that hadn’t been sullied with work on the sea or Ketterdam yet. She slipped in her nose ring, she didn’t bother with kohl for tonight. She felt confident, strong. She was wearing clothes she’d wear both as the Captain and as the Wraith herself, it brought her comfort in a strange way. Inej opened the bathroom closet door and immediately noticed Kaz, he was plucking up his coat from the hook.

 

            Kaz was wearing a sweater. A black sweater that fit him perfectly, she saw his tie and collared shirt underneath the lower neckline. He looked sharp, but softer. Inej felt her face warm as she remembered every inch of his pale skin under his cashmere and perfectly tailored pants.

 

            Something about the look said only ‘Kaz Brekker’. Somehow this look on Kaz was the combination of all his sides: Rietveld in cashmere, Brekker in the tie, Dirty hands in the tailored lines.

 

            “What?” Kaz quirked his head as he spoke and Inej realized she’d been staring at him from across the narrow space. Her skin heated again, she needed to keep it together.

 

            Kaz later. Focus, Captain Ghafa.

 

            “I like the sweater.” Her mouth betrayed her as she picked up her own coat from atop the trunk. She cursed her vocal chords.

 

            Before she could turn back to him, she felt his arms wrap delicately around her waist from behind, careful not to box her in should she wish to not be touched. Inej wanted nothing of the sort, she leaned back into him and laid her hands on top of his now leather clad ones on her stomach.

 

            “Thank you.” Kaz whispered into her neck as he placed a gentle kiss just below her ear. The gratitude on his lips made her heart beat faster, his breath was warm on her skin.

 

            Not helping. Kaz later. Dinner now.

 

            Inej turned around inside the circle of his arms and she noticed a soft smile on his mouth, she’d surprised him. Inej knew Kaz was not used to compliments on anything that did not relate to violence or scheming; she saw it clearly in his dark eyes. She’d seen the same look the first time she’d called him handsome, she loved that look.

 

            “Shall we?” Kaz rasped before he let her go with a squeeze to her waist.

 

            “Yes.” Inej smiled and decided this would be good, whether she could force her story out or not; she wanted to have dinner with her cousin, her best friend, and the love of her life.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

KAZ

 

            A few minutes later, Kaz and Inej were walking up the snow trodden path toward Khalid and Rahul’s caravan. Inej’s hand was in his and he noticed several people they passed by on their way stopped to smile at them- at Inej. Every time, Inej smiled back. Clearly, her absence had been noted far and wide. Kaz knew he’d feel her absence, too, if she left.

He did, every time she left for the True Sea.

 

The sky was clear and stars shone brightly above them, if you looked past the lanterns strung across the clearing. Stars of vivid color by the Suli’s own creation.Kaz saw groups of people bundled up on the steps to caravans, sipping from mugs or simply chatting. He noticed a man walking a dog that reminded him of Timber, his own childhood dog. Kaz hadn’t been back inside the main clearing since they’d walked through upon their arrival, it was majestic. It was the only word that came to mind in the heart of Aska Vasman: The Place of the Fearless. Kaz smelled incense and campfire, he heard laughter and singing and some far off drum beat.

 

Kaz experienced life from every sense- his eyes, his ears, the touch of Inej’s palm in his.

 

            “It’s beautiful at night. I’d almost forgotten.” Inej mused and Kaz watched her eyes dart around the clearing just as much as his own had.

 

            “What’s your favorite part about this place? Outside of the people, of course.” Kaz asked, he didn’t know why. Maybe it had been because of the soft smile working her lips, or because there was so much beauty to choose from. Kaz wanted to know.

 

            Inej was quiet for a moment, the only sound the snow crunching beneath their feet on the path and the lives playing out around them. She bit her lip as she glanced to the sky in thought. Their breath puffed in front of them, but Kaz felt warm. It was not nearly as frigid as it had been the night before, though Kaz knew it was the calm before the storm. Snow was expected again in the coming days.

 

            “Our caravan, now. But before? The lanterns.” Inej smiled as she pointed out a beautiful teal lantern swaying from the wire in the wind, it’s flame dancing loyally inside, to a beat only it could hear.

 

            “How do they light all of them? It’s so many candles.” Kaz asked quietly, only just realizing what a task it might be to light those lanterns and illuminate the suli camp every night. There were lanterns as far as the eye could see.

 

            “Inferni.” Inej smiled brightly and she paused on the path to point at a woman in a beautiful crimson silk gown, a man’s jacket twice her size was draped over her shoulders as she sat on the steps of her home. She flicked a finger and the lantern on her caravan’s porch flared back to life after the wind knocked the flame to smoke. Kaz was momentarily stunned, he knew she must have had a flint, a match perhaps, but the movement was perfect. It was like a magic trick.

 

            “I didn’t know that- well I suppose it makes sense that there are grisha here as well as anywhere else.” Kaz said as he and Inej continued walking, the suli woman they’d watched completely unaware of the show she’d just put on.

 

            “Not many. Many marry into our families, but we have some. We also just… do our due diligence, I suppose. If you see a lantern unlit, and you can reach it, you re-light it. There’s spare matches on most front steps for that very reason. They are for any passerby to use. We believe it’s good luck- you light the way for another soul who may need it.” Inej said softly and she squeezed his hand. Kaz nodded as he glanced back to the lanterns hanging above them. Kaz was equally as superstitious as he was religious- but he appreciated this tradition, he decided.

 

            “Ready?” Inej had paused on the walk way and Kaz looked over her shoulder to see they were at the same caravan that they’d stopped in front of when Inej had first reunited with Khalid. It was darker wood than his and Inej’s own caravan, but equally as beautiful. A lantern lit the way up the stairs and Kaz noticed a book of matches tucked just by the top step. Inej had been right. Kaz made a note to put one of the spare match boxes from their Caravan on the steps, he knew it would make Inej smile.

 

            “Ready.” Kaz answered simply as Inej hopped up the stairs and knocked on the door.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            “You’re here!” Rahul answered the door, his suli skin set a glow just as Inej’s always was in the lantern light shining from within the caravan. Rahul wore a light gray sweater and seemingly athletic pants, clearly this was a casual affair. Kaz was glad he’d worn his sweater. It was about as casual as he’d get.

 

            Rahul embraced Inej and he gestured for them to come inside. Kaz’s nose was hit with the scent of paprika, strong and mouth-watering. Khalid stood up from a small emerald green floor cushion at the table, a grin on his face.

 

            “’Nej!” He said gleefully as he pulled Inej into a hug before she’d even taken off her coat. Kaz smiled as he shrugged out of his own coat and Rahul greeted him before taking it and hanging it on a hook by the door. Kaz noticed that this caravan was very similar to his and Inej’s, though Rahul and Khalid had installed a small kitchenette area and all of their cushions and linens seemed to follow a trend, emeralds and navy blues and pops of crisp silver.

 

Kaz thought Jesper would love it, and Wylan would have designed it. He surprised himself when he wished their friends were here.

 

“Kaz, good to see you again.” Khalid extended a hand and Kaz shook it with a polite nod.

 

“Tea? Dinner will be ready in a few minutes.” Rahul asked as Inej hung her coat on the hook. Inej nodded eagerly.

 

“You haven’t had our tea yet, it’s divine.” Inej beamed to Kaz and he couldn’t help but smile in return to her excitement.

 

Kaz followed Inej to the table and somewhat awkwardly sat to a cushion beside her.

 

“Sorry we don’t have chairs.” Khalid smiled sheepishly and Kaz wished he wouldn’t. Kaz was growing accustom to the Suli’s way of sitting on the ground.

 

“Don’t be, it’s no trouble. Just stiff.” Kaz waved Khalid off with a flick of a wrist.

 

“So, how are you liking Ravka so far, Kaz? Or had you been previously?” Khalid said with a grin as Inej busied herself with refolding her legs on the cushion.

 

“I hadn’t been prior to now, so far so good. Os Kervo reminded me much of Ketterdam, but I suppose they are both port cities.” Kaz answered and Rahul poured tea into tiny glasses in front of each of their place settings. Kaz nodded to him in thanks.

 

“Fair enough. I’ve never been to Kerch, is it pleasant?” Khalid asked and Rahul sat down next to his husband, Kaz heard the crackling of food on top of the stove. He sensed the question was directed to both himself and Inej.

 

“It’s pleasant enough, I suppose. Though Ketterdam is a fishing city as well, so there’s that. Clouded with smog from factories as well. But the countryside is clear, green.” Kaz swallowed the instinct to shut up. He wasn’t used to this quiet and polite type of conversation yet, it seemed.

 

“It is pleasant. Most of the time.” Inej mumbled and she raised the tea glass to her lips, it still steamed as she took her first sip. The tea was a clear amber color- it reminded Kaz more of bourbon than earl gray. Her smile was brilliant as she released a contented sigh from beside him, her features peaceful.

 

“Fuck, I missed this tea.” Inej laughed and Khalid and Rahul both chuckled at her small contentedness. Kaz smiled at her cursing- he loved profanity from her delicate lips.

 

Kaz took a sip of his own. It was delicious, sweet, but not in the way wine was sweet, it was a natural sweetness that wasn’t overpowering, it reminded him of licorice, in a strange way.

 

He must have let his surprise show because Inej said “told you so” with a bump to his shoulder.

 

 “You like it?” Rahul asked with a grin and Kaz nodded as he set the glass back down.

 

“May I ask you something, Kaz?” Khalid said now as Rahul stood to stir the dinner on the stove. Kaz felt his instincts kick in. They railed before the man had even asked a question. Kaz simply nodded and let his gaze fall to Inej’s hands that were folded on the table before her.

 

“What happened to your leg? Could no healer or medic fix it?” Khalid asked innocently. Kaz felt Inej stiffen almost imperceptibly beside him. He wanted to tell her it was alright; he didn’t like that she feared for him after the most innocent of questions. He also loved her for it. He would have reacted the same if the question had been about the scar on her leg, though he knew no one besides him would ever see it.

 

            “I broke it when I was fourteen. It didn’t set right, because I didn’t have the time to let it. I suppose I could have sought a gifted healer, but it’s not a top priority. Doesn’t bother me much.” Kaz answered. It was a half-truth. He could get it healed anytime he liked, he never would. It also bothered him a fair amount, but it was a reminder of who he was, how he’d fought and turned his lame limb into his advantage. Inej knew the truth, Inej was the only person he wished to share that truth with. He also wouldn’t be able to handle the touch of healers on his skin, Inej was only beginning to be recognized by his body as truly safe. Strangers? Not a chance.

 

            Surprisingly, Khalid only nodded thoughtfully. He didn’t push. Kaz liked the man more for it.

 

            “I made roast potatoes and orange chicken and sprouts.” Rahul said in his thickly accented voice.

 

            “Oh, thank the saints!” Inej jumped up to help Rahul carry the serving platters to the table and Kaz watched elation seep into her features. Clearly, her cousin cooked well. If Inej’s excitement was any indication on the matter.

 

            “You’re in for a treat.” Khalid winked in Kaz’s direction before he smiled up to his best friend and husband. The suli man’s green eyes twinkled with excitement. Kaz felt his lips turn up in a smile.

 

            They’d eaten dinner, almost in silence. It was the sign of a good meal, Inej had said after a deep drink of the kvas Khalid had broken out halfway through the meal. It had earned her chuckles all the way around the table, even from Kaz himself. Inej and Khalid had not lied, Kaz thought it was perhaps one of the best meals he’d ever eaten. It wasn’t a surprise, almost all of the best meals Kaz had eaten had been from either Inej’s family or at the Van Eck mansion.

 

            “So, Inej… how have you been?” Khalid hedged the conversation gently. Kaz knew Khalid wanted to know what had happened to his friend, Inej had told him as much. Kaz wanted to reach for Inej’s hand but then he felt her hand come to his knee under the table. Her motion meant “I need help”. Kaz let his hand drop to hers out of sight from the two men across the table from them. His answer was clear for her to understand. “I’m here.”

 

            “I know what you really want to ask.” Inej said softly with a sigh as she folded her napkin from her lap back onto the table. Rahul looked between his cousin and husband, Kaz could see now that Rahul seemed to be the more-soft spoken of the two men. He only spoke when it would add to the conversation- Kaz appreciated that about him.

 

            “We just…. we missed you, Inej. It broke my heart. Your away-ness.” Rahul said somberly, his dark eyes downcast as he reached for Khalid’s hand. Kaz remembered that Rahul said his speaking of kerch was less developed than his understanding of the language, but Kaz supposed “away-ness” was the appropriate term nonetheless.

 

            Inej’s eyes looked glassy as she took a sip of kvas. Kaz squeezed her hand that still rested on his knee.

 

            “I know. It broke my heart, too.” Inej said brokenly as she finally dragged her eyes to both Khalid and Rahul’s faces. Both of them were smiling softly, they regretted that they’d had to ask the question at all, Kaz understood. They wished she’d just been here the whole time, the way her life should have been.

 

Metal coiled around Kaz’s chest, tightening and constricting. Inej had lost so much good, so much life, for what? For Ketterdam and evil men? Himself? It was not a fair trade at the table of fate. Kaz knew that much. Inej’s Saints had been unkind if they’d put such a bright light in such misery and darkness.

 

“I was taken by slavers- human traffickers; from my parent’s caravan, you know that much.” Inej began with a deep breath. Her voice sounded timid; so unlike the voice Kaz was used to from her. Kaz wanted to kiss her until her voice radiated that quiet power he loved so much.

 

Rahul and Khalid both nodded slowly. Solemn looks adorned their faces. Inej squeezed his knee tight, he rubbed circles on the back of her hand. Kaz stole a glance to her and he found she was looking at him, seemingly uncaring that Khalid and Rahul were waiting. Kaz read her eyes, “should I do this?”

 

Kaz leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead, he didn’t care that they weren’t alone. It was his answer; she should do it if she thought she could. He knew that Inej didn’t owe anyone an explanation for what had happened to her; but he also knew that Inej wanted to tell them, to be honest. At least to them, regardless of whether she answered to everyone else in her family.

 

“I… I was taken to Kerch, where a woman who owns a pleasure house… she inspected me. She bought my contract. My indenturement- my servitude contract. I didn’t read kerch, and they made me… they made me sign that paper. It’s how slavery is legal. It’s a contract that they say is legally binding, an arrangement that I willingly entered into in exchange for a place to live and food. I- I didn’t know what the paper meant. It was a trick.” Inej swallowed thickly and took another swig of kvas.

 

Something clicked for Kaz, then. When he’d met Inej in the Menagerie, and he’d shown her the paper that displayed her contract and how much she owed, she’d not understood until he showed her the numbers. When he’d invited her to join the Dregs, she’d asked him if it was a trick. Inej had been scared he’d shown her false documents and was trying to trick her the same way the slavers had. Kaz had known she was scared, that day. He hadn’t known why he thought the paper was a trick- not really. He’d thought it was careful calculation on her part.

 

Oh, Inej. Never. Never.

 

“Inej…” Rahul gasped and Khalid put a hand on his husband’s shoulder, a show of support.

 

“I was taken to the Pleasure House. The Menagerie. I… I lost my- I lost my choice in whom I shared my body with that very night. After the woman had forced me into costume. I was to be a delicacy, a piece of exotic meat for men who fantasized about dark skin to live out their wildest dreams.” Inej choked on the last sentence. A tear dripped down her cheek.

 

Kaz reached out and gently brushed away the tear; his movements were slow, so she’d see him coming.

 

“What the fuck.” Khalid said shakily under his breath, his fist clenched on the table in front of him. Rahul’s eyes were lined in silver.

 

“I had… she made me paint spots on my body. I was what she called “a little suli lynx”. I wore fake silks. If I didn’t cooperate, the men were to report to her. I’d be beaten whether verbally or physically. I had to take contraceptive tea or tablets, daily. The men… the men who bought me could do what they wished that way.” Inej whispered brokenly. Kaz noticed she shifted closer to him on her cushion. It surprised him, he’d thought she’d want to be further away. Kaz was glad it was not the case, he wanted to help her carry the weight of her past.

 

“Oh Inej.” Rahul said in a whisper.

 

“Don’t, please. Please don’t pity me.” Inej pleaded and she looked to her cousin with a sad sort of ire in her eyes and voice. Kaz knew this is what she’d feared.

 

“I- I’m sorry. I just can’t imagine it.” Rahul said apologetically and he reached a hand out to Inej but she shook her head.

 

“I’m sorry- I can’t. It’s difficult… sometimes. To touch others. Just give me a few minutes.” Inej mumbled in way of explanation. Rahul seemed to understand. Kaz knew Khalid and Rahul could tell that he was Inej’s exception currently. He respected them for understanding.

 

“I was there for almost a year. I thought I’d died, my spirit I mean. While my body lived on, I was a void. Inside me was nothing but darkness, my only light was the memory of your faces. Of Mama and Papa. Nani. You all kept me alive, I suppose.” Inej tried to smile but tears were flowing freely now, unchecked. Kaz gently reached for her hand again and she gripped his fingers tight.

 

“We always hoped for you, Inej.” Khalid said quietly. Inej nodded and brushed tears away from her cheek with her free hand.

 

“I met Kaz because he came to the Menagerie.” Inej began and she realized the mistake when Khalid’s eyes turned cold and narrowed on Kaz.

 

“No, not that. I bought information from the mistress, political pillow talk. Men let secrets escape in the throes of passion. I- my job requires the use of secrets and information. You could say I trade in it. I did not frequent pleasure houses for any other reason, I promise.” Kaz voiced gruffly.

 

He wanted to give Inej a moment to take a breath, he also would defend himself from this particular accusation. He’d never want Inej’s family to think he’d…. that he’d bought her the way Tante Heleen had. The way man after man used her. Kaz’s stomach turned at the simple thought, everything he’d shared with Inej had meant so much more. He’d never dare lay a single finger to her skin unless she wanted him to. He loved her. He respected her.

 

“Is that true, Inej?” Khalid asked tightly, his eyes still on Kaz. Kaz didn’t blame him, it was an unusual story.

 

“It is. I promise. Kaz is who got me out of the Menagerie. I began to work with him instead, while my contract was owned by Kaz’s boss. It was… different. I had my own room, with a lock. No men. Free to come and go as I wished. I was able to work toward paying off the contract.” Inej said and to emphasize her point she moved their clasped hands to the table in view of Khalid and Rahul. Inej was glaring at Khalid. Kaz read her eyes. She was telling him to stand down. Kaz loved her glares so long as he wasn’t on the receiving end. The pointy end, if you will.

 

“And what work do you do?” Khalid asked Kaz and Rahul nodded, he wanted to know too.

 

Kaz looked to Inej, her eyes told him she wanted to tell the truth. Kaz swallowed, but this was not a hard truth for him. Kaz didn’t mind sharing who he was, his only concern was that Khalid and Rahul might not… they might not accept him after this. Kaz realized then that it mattered to him, he wanted Inej’s friend and her cousin to respect her choice in him. Kaz understood Inej’s fears now. She wanted them to accept her, too.

 

“Back then I was a lieutenant in a gang called the Dregs. There are multiple gangs in Ketterdam, the underbelly of the city, I suppose. Now I run the Dregs, I’m their boss.” Kaz said and Inej gripped his hand tighter.

 

“You’re a professional criminal.” Khalid said dumbly. Rahul was shaking his head in disbelief.

 

“We both are.” Inej said gently.

 

“Like hell, what have you done except be taken and shuffled around?” Khalid roared.

 

“Do you even love her?” Khalid said coldly in Kaz’s direction. For the first time, Kaz almost flinched. Then his fighting instincts came out to play.

 

“Excuse you?” Kaz’s voice was steel dragging on rock.

 

“Stop!” Inej nearly shouted. Kaz had never heard her speak so loudly. Kaz froze. Her hand stayed in his, though.

 

“Do you not understand? I worked for the Dregs. I’ve killed people, Khalid. And some of those deaths, I’m sorry for. Some of them, I’m not. Kaz put me back on my feet and made me able to protect myself. I chose to stay.” Inej said quietly and Kaz saw the fire in Khalid’s eyes get doused with the tears that streamed down Inej’s face. Kaz wondered if perhaps they should finish this conversation another night, but he would not get up and leave until she asked him to.

 

“You’re an assassin?” Rahul asked now. Khalid’s eyes were downcast in guilt or embarrassment, Kaz couldn’t tell.

 

“Yes. I was.” Inej said softly, her voice was confident again, though.

 

“I’m a Captain now, of my own ship.” Inej said next and Kaz squeezed her fingers tentatively. She squeezed back.

 

“A ship?” Khalid piped up, his mouth agape.

 

“A ship. I hunt slavers. I return the innocent people home. I sink the slaving vessels. I kill those evil men.” Inej rolled her shoulders back.

 

“How did you get the ship? Do you still have a slavery contract? Does he own it?” Khalid jutted a finger in Kaz’s direction. Kaz felt his temper flare. Men had died for less. Kaz reminded himself who was in front of him, who Khalid was to Inej.

 

“I don’t have the contract anymore. Kaz paid it off. Kaz became leader of the Dregs after a coup against the old leader. Kaz bought me the ship. Kaz found my parents. Kaz loves me. If you could listen to me and then ask questions, that would be wonderful, Khalid.” Inej’s voice was pure flames, quiet and flickering with restrained heat. Kaz had only heard this tone from her when she was truly angry.

 

Inej was defending Kaz. Inej was angry because of what Khalid had assumed about him. Kaz had never seen her defend him, it was glorious in a new and strange way. He didn’t need to be defended, but now he knew what tone Inej may have used in the face of Pekka Rollins. The tone she used when she’d threatened Anika when she found out about their relationship. It was beautiful, vicious. Inej was everything. Inej was everything he ever wanted, wrapped in one bronze and enchanting package.

 

“Khalid.” Rahul said gently but firmly to his husband.

 

“I do love her. If you have a question, you can ask. I won’t be insulted, though. I respect you. I don’t blame you for considering the worst. I will get angry when you start questioning Inej’s choices, though. She makes her own. You should know that even better than I do.” Kaz let Dirtyhands slip into his vocal chords.

 

“Kaz.” Inej said softly and he ripped his gaze from Khalid to turn to Inej. Her eyes pleaded with him, Kaz tamped down his rage.

 

Rietveld urged him not to ruin this for Inej. Brekker sat neutrally. Dirtyhands railed in his iron barred cage marked “Do not open unless in Ketterdam”.

 

“I- Mati en sheva yelu, Inej. I’m sorry, Kaz.” Khalid sighed and Kaz saw nothing but genuine regret in the man’s eyes.

 

“I understand. I- I shouldn’t have lost my temper, either.” Kaz said tightly. It wasn’t quite an apology, but it would have to do. It was as much as Kaz could muster right now. Kaz shook Khalid’s hand from across the table. Inej squeezed his other hand again. He looked back to her.

 

“I think- maybe I’d like to finish another night. It’s not because of you, I’m just very tired.” Inej said to Khalid and Rahul and Kaz saw worry pass their eyes.

 

“Of course, Inej. Thank you for being patient.” Khalid sighed and Inej dropped Kaz’s hand and gripped Khalid’s hands with her own.

 

“I promise we’ll talk more… it’s just a lot. It’s a lot to relive.” Inej said softly and Rahul placed his hands over Inej and Khalid’s.

 

“Soon. We have time now.” Rahul smiled and Inej managed one in return.

 

Inej stood after a moment and grabbed her coat off the hook. Kaz stood as swift as he could manage and grabbed his own.

 

“Thank you for dinner, I appreciate the invite. We’ll talk more, I- I hope you can understand that I’m here with the best intentions.” Kaz managed as he fought every piece of instinct within himself telling him to shut the hell up and it was none of their business. Kaz felt courage in his veins the moment Inej wrapped her arm around his waist and leaned into him, though.

 

Khalid smiled brightly, Kaz thought maybe… maybe they could be friends yet.

 

Kaz watched as Inej traded goodnights with both the men in suli, she hugged them tightly.

 

 

A few moments later, Kaz and Inej were walking back toward their caravan. Inej reached for his hand. There was something weighing on Kaz’s chest, he needed to tell her.

 

 

“Thank you for defending me.” Kaz whispered as he stopped walking. Inej quirked her head and turned around when she realized he’d stopped. Kaz hadn’t expected the weight of her defense in his heart, he’d never had someone who would step up to defend him outside of in a physical fight. At least, not since Jordie.

 

“Always.” Inej smiled softly. “Why’d you stop?” Inej quirked her head.

 

Kaz reached into his pocket and pulled out the match he’d stolen from the book on Kahir and Rahul’s front step. He looked up. Inej followed his gaze and she saw it, the lantern above them had gone out.

 

“I’ll lift you.” Kaz rasped. Inej’s smile was brighter than all the lanterns combined.  

 

Inej jumped and he wrapped his arms around her middle to hoist her up to the lantern. Inej lit the flame inside after striking the match on the strip on the base of the light.

 

As Kaz let his hold on her loosen so he could set her down, Inej leaned down and kissed him, gently. He tightened his grip once more, he’d carry Inej if she kept kissing him like that.

 

“What was that for?” Kaz asked dazedly once she broke away. Inej’s eyes glimmered in the light from above them.

 

“For loving me. For letting me love you, mera chaar.” Inej whispered down to him.

 

“Always.” Kaz answered easily. He finally set Inej back to her feet, he knew it had been a difficult night for her, he assumed she truly was tired.

 

“Kaz?” Inej asked softly, her eyes didn’t leave his.

 

“Hmm?” Kaz tucked a piece of hair behind her ear.

 

“Happy Birthday. Thank you for lighting the lantern for me, back in Ketterdam.” Inej whispered.

 

Kaz kissed her again. There weren’t words for what it meant to him.

 

 

Chapter 62: A Sea Of Green

Summary:

A moment, a dream.

Notes:

Chapter 62!!

Okay y'all, this one is a little shorter, but I really wanted these moments to be their own chapter. I really loved writing it and I hope you love it just as much! Thank you a million times over for the love and support for this story, I can't express how much I love writing it for you all and seeing your responses lights me up. You have no idea.

Drop me a comment with what you think! Much love!

INEJ

 

            “I’d say that went about as well as expected.” Inej sighed, breaking the easy silence that had fallen over herself and Kaz since they’d entered their caravan a few minutes’ prior.

 

            Inej fell back on the bed, kicking off her boots as she went. Inej didn’t bother to change her clothes yet, nor did she care how ridiculous she looked, pouting. Inej felt Kaz’s eyes on her from his spot near the sink basin, he’d just stripped off his gloves and washed his face.

 

            Inej had hoped… well she’d hoped she would have been able to tell her story without interruption, and without accusations being thrown toward Kaz, and herself. She didn’t blame Khalid and Rahul; it was a lot to digest. Inej had hoped like a damn fool that it would have been easy, though. Of course it hadn’t been. Not easy to force the words out, not easy to watch her cousin and best friend’s faces as they listened to her stormy tale.

 

            Gloom settled over Inej’s chest as she stared at the ceiling of the caravan. She wanted her people to love her for who she is now, not who she once was. Her eyes felt tight, tears had been restrained since the beginning of the conversation at the dinner table. Her heart felt like someone had dropped stones into the center, keeping it from floating. A balloon tied to a weight on the ground. She knew she should not be discouraged and truly, she wasn’t. It didn’t stop her from feeling the weight of the past. She knew Khalid and Rahul loved her- would love her still. She needed to allow them to process what she’d told them. She still felt tears in her eyes.

 

            Rahul had looked at her with such pity, like a child who knocked over and shattered the pretty vase of flowers. Inej was the beautiful blooms mixed with sharp shards of glass on the ground. The flowers were salvageable, but only if you risked getting cut while you dusted away the razor edged glass. Inej didn’t want to lose the sharpness she’d gained- she liked being a rose of steel and biting pieces. She wasn’t something to be salvaged- she was something to be loved; not in spite of her violent parts, but because of them.

 

            Inej heard Kaz lean his cane against the wall. The end of the bed dipped as he sat beside her, her legs didn’t even reach the ground from her laying down position- socked feet hanging off the edge of the bed. Inej didn’t dare turn her eyes to him. She’d been okay until they’d entered their caravan; then she’d felt close to collapse. Privacy brought it all into the light. Inej didn’t want Kaz to see it, even though she knew she shouldn’t hide it from him. It was just… the day had been perfect, the past few days, really, had been perfect. She didn’t want it to end. She didn’t want Kaz’s birthday to end with her in tears because she was feeling sorry for herself.

 

            “It didn’t go terribly.” Kaz said, Inej let the gravel of his voice wrap around her as she counted the plank lines of the ceiling. She let out a small calloused laugh.

 

            “You don’t think so?” Inej quipped, not bothering to hide the sarcasm in her tone.

 

Kaz and Khalid had looked close to blows, it would have been a show of the devil and the flame eater going head-to-head.

 

“I respect him, Inej. I don’t blame him for considering the worst of me.” Kaz mumbled and Inej hated that he’d been able to somehow see straight into her thoughts. She loved it too. Words were sometimes only a formality for them, eyes were often enough.

 

Their words transcended language.

 

“Stop that.” Inej grumbled with a deep sigh. She knew Kaz didn’t mind accusations being thrown his way, but Inej did. That wasn’t entirely her problem with the evening either, it was much more than that.

 

She’d been interrupted. Beginning to tell her story had been hard enough to rip from the deep black pit within her chest, having to pause for interruptions had made it almost impossible. Tonight, Inej had taken a shovel to the already shallow grave of her darkest memories.

 

“Stop what?” Kaz asked.

 

“Stop being okay with people considering the worst of you. It’s not the case and you know it, Kaz Brekker. I won’t stand for it. I won’t stand for it here in Ravka. Ketterdam, fine. You’re a monster. Here? No. Here you’re you. I won’t settle for anything less than respect for both of us. I’m a monster to many, too. Here? I’m family. We’re family.” It was as her voice shook that Inej realized she was angry.

 

She was angry, but not with Kaz, not with anyone, really. Perhaps a little annoyed with Khalid, but more with the simple fact that Inej realized she’d have to defend her path, over and over again. It hadn’t been that way with her parents, and she loved them for it. With everyone else? She should have known. She should have known that what to her was a noble path, maybe not a good one, but a worthy one- would seem reckless and crazy to those who had never lived her life. Those who had never done the impossible, been shot at, stabbed, or beaten.

 

Those who had not laughed in the face of death or drawn knives with gravity.

 

“Look at me, please.” Kaz’s voice was strong yet delicate. Inej took a deep breath before she pushed up to sit with him at the end of the bed. She realized they hadn’t lit the stove since they’d entered. A shiver danced up her back as she straightened her spine. Kaz seemed to notice. He reached over his head and pulled off his sweater, shirt and tie still underneath. He handed it to her and Inej felt a small turn upward of her lips when the cashmere touched her fingers, still warm from Kaz’s body. She pulled it on over her shirt and Kaz chuckled softly once she got her arms through the sleeves.

 

“What?” Inej huffed.

 

“The static- your hair.” Kaz was beside himself with chuckles as he tried to flatten pieces on her head. Inej found herself laughing alongside him, mostly at his facial expression when her hair wouldn’t comply. She blew a piece out of her face with a purse of her lips and Kaz laughed harder. Somehow, Inej felt the gloom start lifting from the sky in her heart. His laugh did that to her.

 

Once he stopped laughing, Kaz placed his hand palm up on his knee for her. Inej reached for him instantly, pushing the much too long sweater sleeve up so her hand was visible.

 

“Khalid meant well. So did Rahul.” Kaz said softly and Inej wondered when the tables had turned. Kaz was defending others to her. Inej would have laughed again if he hadn’t of been completely right.

 

“I know. I know they did. It just… I saw the pity, Kaz.” Inej’s eyes fell to their linked hands, she traced a finger over a small scar on his thumb. She knew every scar and ridge in Kaz’s pale hands now, it was comforting.

 

“Then let them see how strong you are, let them see Captain Inej Ghafa. Hell, let them see the Wraith if you want them to sleep a little lighter. There hasn’t been time yet, love.” Kaz squeezed her hand.

 

“I thought we decided I’m the half of this relationship that speaks reason, and you’re the impulsive angry part.” Inej sighed and she saw Kaz’s lips quirk up from the corner of her eyes.

 

“Balance, Inej. Also, I resent the label of impulsive. I’m calculated. Calculated risk-taker, maybe. But calculated.” Kaz chastised and Inej giggled despite herself.

 

“They didn’t say anything about the ship. All they asked was if you… if you own me.” Inej’s voice cracked when she finally got the words out. She knew that was the wound that had cut deepest, she was proud of her ship. Proud of her path. She had wanted to talk about that, not hear that they thought Kaz, the man she loved, her avri, capable of holding slavery over her head.

 

“They will, Inej. You’ll tell them about the ship yet.” Kaz avoided the second part of her confession.

 

“What is it?” Inej looked over to him now and she saw him run his free hand through his hair. A muscle ticked in his jaw. His shoulder blades sat tight.

 

“I wanted to kill him for suggesting that I held your contract, Inej. I might be… I don’t know. Better, better than I used to be. But I wanted to strangle him. I was that angry.” Kaz admitted.

 

“I know.” Inej said simply. She’d seen Kaz’s rage tethered like a rabid hound in his eyes as they sat at the table. She knew he’d painfully tamped it down at the sound of her voice. She knew Kaz was still Kaz, she’d been angry too. She wasn’t exactly grateful that Kaz had to reign it in that much, but she was appreciative of all parts of him.

 

“You knew.” Kaz turned his eyes on her, she saw a tentative sort of relief in his dark eyes. It seemed Kaz had been worried to confess this to her.

 

“I knew.” Inej confirmed with a squeeze to his fingers.

 

“You’re not angry that I nearly came to blows with your best friend?” Kaz rasped.

 

“No. Khalid would have tried to light you on fire, you’d crack his knee caps with your cane. It would have been perhaps a nearly fair fight. After all, I’ve seen you fist fight Jesper. Men and your egos.” Inej laughed, she wanted the light to return to his eyes.

 

“He’d try to light me on fire? Why?” Kaz tipped his head in confusion. Inej realized that Kaz didn’t know that Khalid was more than an acrobat, he was also a fire breather.

 

“Khalid is a flame eater, he can swallow fire and breathe it out. It’s why his hands have burn scars, they’re from his torches when he was still learning. He performs it in our acts.” Inej smiled softly, she immediately felt the drain plug pop and the anger within her was swirling away. Khalid would come around; she knew he would. She needed to have faith, the way she always had. Her oldest friend would love her still, somewhere inside, she’d known it the whole time. Rahul, too.

 

“A what?” Kaz’s lips turned up in a smile and Inej told him.

 

She told him about when they’d been young and Khalid had first decided he wanted to do more than acrobatics. How he’d always sought danger and adrenaline. How her friend was both a native of the Sky and of Volcanoes. Kaz listened to her, he asked questions. He laughed when she told him how Khalid had accidentally set the end of her braid on fire when she was twelve, and the show tent had smelled like burnt hair for all of the shows the next three days.

 

Inej didn’t know how long she talked, but with every moment, she forgot the rage she’d felt. There would always be one person she had no need to justify herself to. Kaz would always be that person.

 

Kaz Brekker wasn’t afraid to bleed, he’d cradle her glass dusted flowers in the palm of his hand, fearless of their violence. He’d marvel at the way the shards of glass caught the light, he’d never want her to be rid of them.

 

Kaz had once called her the treasure of his heart, she wondered if he knew that he was hers.

 

 

KAZ

 

            Kaz was sitting with his back against the wall on their bed as Inej went through her night routine. He was flipping his new deck of cards between his fingers, they needed to be broken in. Kaz loved new decks of cards, the way he bent them, just slightly, to his will. It was a small luxury, but Kaz found he would not break these cards as roughly as he did with any other deck he used at the club. Those cards were disposable, these were not.

 

            Kaz would keep these cards for the rest of his life, just like the deck he had gotten from Jordie.

 

            Kaz knew Inej was still reeling from the dinner at Khalid and Rahul’s. Kaz understood, he’d seen her hold back tears. She hadn’t let them fall, he knew she wanted to be strong. Kaz wouldn’t comment on it, Inej needed to make her own peace with the path ahead of them in front of her family. She seemed to be feeling a little better though, after she’d talked about Khalid. Kaz would be lying if he said he hadn’t actually been fascinated the entire time. A flame eater. Kaz had never seen such a thing, especially not from an ordinary man that had no grisha powers within himself.

 

            Kaz would try with Khalid, for Inej. For himself. Even if Dirtyhands told him he was insufferable and soft for even having the notion in his mind.

 

            Kaz heard the bathroom door open and Inej walked out. Oh no, what had he done.

 

            “Oh no.” Kaz sighed as he eyed Inej leaning against the door frame. She’d let her hair loose for bed, her legs were bare. She did not don a shirt of his as she usually did. She wore his new black sweater. It hit her mid-thigh, just as his shirts did.

 

            “It’s soft.” Inej smirked.

 

            “It’s new.” Kaz rolled his eyes, he knew she saw through it. She’d already won, her legs had won the fight for her. His mouth betrayed him with a smile as he bridged the cards in his hands.

 

            “Can I… do you want me to wear pants?” Inej mumbled as she moved to the sink basin to brush her teeth.

 

            Kaz knew she asked because the night before had been the first time she’d slept next to him under the covers bare-legged. Kaz had been fine, more than fine. He knew it was because his legs had been covered by his own pants protecting their skin from brushing as they shifted in sleep. He wanted to try again. He wanted it to become…normal. Kaz hated that she even had to ask, of course he wanted his girl in bed with as little clothing as possible. He was also appreciative that she had asked.

 

            “Please don’t ever ask me that again, Inej. My pride can’t handle it. No. Please, don’t put on pants.” Kaz groaned and Inej laughed as he heard the sink water shut off.

 

            “Sorry to ruin your pride, Brekker. I’m sure you have reserves of it in there somewhere.” Inej smirked again as she came up to her side of the bed and slipped under the sheets. Kaz had already changed before her, he’d also added a few logs to the Stove to ward away the draft while they slept.

 

            Kaz scoffed as he flipped the cards through his fingers.

 

            “Impolite, Wraith.” He quipped.

 

            “Impolite? Me? Never. Indisposed under the sheets? Most completely.” Inej winked and Kaz was loathe to admit that he’d almost dropped the cards at the sight. He moved and slipped under the covers beside her, but he sat up still with his cards.

 

            Inej watched him shuffle, she smiled softly in the dim light, he noted her expressions from the corner of his eyes. How her eyes widened when he shuffled the cards faster. Their silence was comfortable, easy. Home.

 

            “Come here?” Inej asked several minutes later. Kaz looked over to her and she’d outstretched her arms. Kaz was helpless but to comply. He set the deck of cards on the bedside table before he turned to her, intent on holding her.

 

            Inej surprised him. She gestured for him to lay on her chest instead. Kaz thought it was ridiculous. He did it anyways. His head laid on her chest and he immediately felt warmer. Inej wrapped her arms around him and she let her fingers wander to his hair.

 

            It was not ridiculous. It was the most relaxed his body had felt in years. Her fingers grazed his scalp and her other hand lightly came up to the back of his shoulder over his t-shirt. Her hand drew lazy patterns and his eyes felt heavy.

 

            She paused after a few minutes and Kaz groaned in retaliation, she had to continue. He was half asleep already. Inej laughed softly beneath him and he wrapped an arm around her middle and hugged her closer.

 

            “Goodnight, Kaz.” Inej whispered.

 

            “I love you.” Kaz whispered in return, his voice scratched but he needed her to know. For no particular reason, he just needed to tell her. His mind wouldn’t let him sleep until he did. Inej pulled him closer still.

 

            Kaz dreamed that night. For the first time in a decade, Kaz dreamed. Not nightmares, but dreams. Golden hued visions that brought nothing but warmth to his bones.

 

Kaz dreamed of Inej planting geraniums in dark soil under the sun. Fresh aired wind lifted her hair, a sea of green surrounded her.

 

Kaz dreamed of Lij.

Chapter 63: Fire In Her Eyes

Summary:

Nani hears the truth from Inej herself.

Notes:

Chapter 63!!!

Hi everyone! Okay, so I'm actually pretty excited for this one, it's a lot more introspection and an internal battle witnessed from Inej's point of view. It was honestly pretty difficult to write, so I really hope you all love it. To be honest, I know we've dealt a lot with Inej's trauma, but I want to share these moments, I think it shows so much growth and at the Caravans is where i feel like Inej is really facing and sorting out a lot of what actually happened to her, so I hope you guys understand. I know there's a lot of pivotal moments in Aska Vasman for Kaz as well, and I promise we'll see some more of his moments, his battles, coming up soon. Potentially in other places. I just wanted to explain the heavy visitation of Inej's internal battles right now, stay with me. We have a lot of growth on the horizon. Anyways, I hope you guys love it! Seriously, one of the harder chapters I've ever written.

ALSO thank you so so much to those of you who pointed out my mistake in the last chapter, the one about how Kaz in canon had actually learned the trick about being able to spit the lock pick kit out of his stomach from a dead fire-breather in Ketterdam. I completely forgot about that and I am truly so so sorry. I hope you guys can forgive me? I always try to stay true to the canon of the books and I feel awful I forgot that. I thought about deleting the last chapter and re-working it, but if you guys can see past that one canon divergence, I want to leave it as Khalid being the first Kaz has met. Let me know, please. If it's totally going to bother you guys, I can fix it! Seriously, my feelings won't be hurt. I'm so sorry and thank you again to those who caught it! I really appreciate the feedback. <3

Thank you to every single one of you for reading this story, the next few chapters are going to be big. I can't wait and I hope you guys are excited, too.

Leave me a comment with what you think, as I said, super difficult chapter to nail down properly so I hope it comes out the way I intended and was worth the two-day wait!

Love you all and have a lovely day/night!

INEJ

 

            The snow had blown in with a vengeance. There were snowflakes in Inej’s eyelashes as she helped her father nail the last wooden stakes into the hard frozen ground through the canvas of the practice tent; keeping the thing in place from blowing away in the blizzard-like winds.

 

            “Go ahead and get back inside, Inej. We’ll see you for dinner.” Papa said as he pulled the collar of his coat up higher in the cold. Inej noticed snow melting in his short beard as he smiled brightly. 

 

            “You’re sure? Are there anymore that need reinforcing?” Inej asked in suli, raising her voice over the howl of the Ravkan winter.

 

            “I got them all already, Khalid got the other set near the entrance to the clearing. They have the beams up, should be good until the morning sun comes out tomorrow.” Papa answered and he placed a hand on Inej’s shoulder and squeezed. Inej watched her father march in the snow toward the path back to her family’s caravan. A soft smile lit her lips as she turned her face to the sky, letting the snow fall and melt on her face. It had been two days since the dinner with Khalid and Rahul, Inej had not seen them more than in passing for a few moments due to the winter storm approaching and the preparations that had needed to be made. She hoped they would have time, soon. Inej wondered if she might invite them to her and Kaz’s caravan, they hadn’t really been yet. Of course Khalid and Rahul had seen it- she knew they’d both helped her father construct it in her stead. But she wanted to share the space with them herself, host them. Inej just wanted things resolved on that front; she wanted to finish her story. She wanted… a new normal. She wanted her people to know her.

 

            Kaz had stayed in this morning on her own insistence, due to his leg screaming at the harsh cold. Of course, he hadn’t said anything. She’d seen him wince this morning, though. The stove had gone out as they slept and their caravan had a strong chill from the raging storm outside. He hadn’t thought she’d seen, but she had. Inej knew Kaz’s pride almost as well as she knew her own. She hadn’t said anything. She’d told him to stay in so she could spend time with her father, which was true, but only half.

 

            She and Kaz had not gotten to spend much time with anyone outside of her parents the past two days, everyone had been busy prepping for snow. Making sure the Caravan wheel locks were sturdy, stocking up on wood for their stoves, trading spices and grains and canned goods in case no one was able to make it to Os Kervo in the coming few days for the markets. Inej hadn’t minded, it had been a nice reprieve from so much reunion their first days in Aska Vasman.

 

The day prior, Inej had spent some time alone in their caravan, stretching to prepare for a return to the wire, Kaz had gone to her parent’s caravan alone. It made Inej’s heart swell when she’d walked up for dinner and found her father and Kaz deep in conversation at the table, Kaz’s new deck of cards between them and a score sheet beside them. They had played best two out of three, according to Mama who had smiled just as brightly. Mama had whispered for only Inej to hear “I think there is a new friendship there, don’t you think little girl?” and Inej felt her heart flutter when she heard Kaz’s laugh accompanied by Papa’s. It was a beautiful sight to behold, every single time.

 

Inej turned away from the sky with a sigh and began her trudge through the snow back to her own caravan. On her way, Inej lit a lantern on a front porch of a family’s caravan.

 

Mud caked Inej’s boots and she tried her best to rid the snow at the door of the caravan. As she was about to make her way inside, she heard an unmistakable laugh.

 

Nani. Nani? Why was Nani here? She walked here? Out in the cold?

 

Inej opened the door and was greeted by Nani standing at the stove and Kaz sitting on the end of the bed, leg propped slightly on a floor cushion.

 

“Nani?” Inej smiled as she closed the door and took off her snow covered jacket.

 

“Granddaughter!” Nani smiled brightly, her bronze cheeks rosy from the cold. Inej suspected Nani had only gotten here a few minutes before herself based on the jacket on the hook, snow still melting. Inej wondered what Nani had been laughing at before she’d entered, Kaz’s face didn’t reveal anything, but he smiled slightly in her direction.

 

Nani was clad in snow boots, and a lavish gold silk scarf over her black sweater and pants. Inej’s lips turned up at the sight, her Nani never went anywhere without looking perfect. Not even in a snow storm. It was something that surprisingly reminded Inej of Kaz; both her grandmother and Kaz took extreme pride in how they dressed, how they presented themselves to the world.

 

Inej embraced Nani and she noticed Kaz had a tiny smile on his lips as her eyes met his over her grandmother’s shoulder.

 

“What are you doing here, Nani?” Inej asked in kerch.

 

“I brought you both pan bread and soup, I made it last night. I told your parents I wanted to supply food for my granddaughter as well. Selfish, those two. Keeping you all to themselves.” Nani joked with a wink and Inej didn’t hold back her laugh.

 

“I’m sorry we haven’t been over yet.” Inej said with a sheepish smile. It was true, she’d wanted to spend more time with everyone already, but the storm had thrown an ice coated wrench into her plans. Inej reminded herself that she and Kaz still had another week and a half here, amongst her people. It would still happen, she still had time.

 

“Nonsense. I’m capable of walking, young one. Don’t insult me by telling me you think me old.” Nani chuckled and she turned back to the stove. Inej noticed there was a pot on a hot plate on top. Nani was stirring something.

 

“What’s that?” Inej peered over Nani nosily.

 

Nani waved her back with a flick of her wrist and Inej huffed a breath in false frustration. She heard Kaz chuckle under his breath and Inej threw dull daggers with her eyes. Kaz grinned crookedly in return and Inej rolled her eyes.

 

“I’m making tea. Your poor avri was here alone and I decided to invite myself in.” Nani winked toward Inej and Inej laughed freely now.

 

“Ah yes, very unfortunate, poor Kaz. I’m sure he’s about ready to be rid of me for a few hours.” Inej joked and Nani chuckled.

 

“It’s the truth. Your granddaughter is a gigantic pain, truly annoying.” Kaz quipped and Nani smiled brightly.

 

Inej had been correct. Kaz and Nani in the same room was a dangerous combination; sarcasm was the only language either of them spoke fluently.

 

“Hush. It’s only okay when I say it.” Inej said as she plucked a floor cushion from the table and brought it to the end of the bed to sit beside Kaz as he sat on the bed.

 

“Unfair, Wraith.” Kaz jested and Inej saw Nani’s eyebrows quirk as she popped tea bags into the now steaming water.

 

“Wraith? What a strange term of endearment.” Nani turned to look at both of them and Inej felt her skin warm slightly.

 

“It’s another one of those long stories I mentioned.” Kaz answered before Inej could.

 

“Hmm.” Nani hummed as she looked into the small cupboard by the stove. Inej realized she hadn’t actually looked if they had any mugs or dishware. She and Kaz had only filled the canteens with water that they’d brought from Ketterdam since they’d been here.

 

Seems her parents had thought of everything as they’d constructed and designed the caravan, because Nani produced three small navy blue mugs from the cabinet.

 

Inej stole a glance at Kaz, he was already looking at her. She read what his eyes asked. “Do you want to tell her, now?” Inej held his gaze and let her breathing ground her. Inej thought for a moment, on one hand, Nani might react poorly. Inej suspected her reaction to be closer to her parents, though. Despite the pirating. Inej knew Nani had always wanted to see Inej on the wire for her career. Inej decided she’d see what Nani asked next, or if she pushed. Inej quite honestly didn’t know how she felt. Anxious. Excited. Nervous. Elated. Every emotion was on the ingredient list for her fluttering heart beats.

 

Inej willed her eyes to convey the message to Kaz. “I don’t know.” He seemed to understand because he reached a hand down to her shoulder and rubbed light circles into her shoulder blade muscles. Inej felt her posture relax slightly. She noticed he’d put his gloves on, presumably before answering the door for Nani.

 

“Good thing I have time and there’s a snow storm outside so there’s nowhere you need to be.” Nani smiled as she set the mugs of tea down on the table and made a motion for her and Kaz to join her at the table. Inej took a deep breath silently before she pushed herself up and moved the floor cushion she’d sat on back to the center of the room. Kaz reached for his cane leaning beside the bed and stood stiffly. Inej didn’t see him cringe, though. She assumed the roaring fire had loosened his leg up since she’d left this morning.

 

Inej lowered herself to a cushion beside Kaz, he stretched his leg out in the direction of the fire and Inej felt his hand move to her thigh, he rubbed circles on the top of her leg. Inej saw no nerves in his own expression, she let his strength wrap around her as she faced Nani.

 

“Where would… where would you like me to start?” Inej blew on her tea before she took a sip. She felt Nani’s gaze on her. Inej looked up and Nani was smiling softly as she took a sip of her own tea.

 

“You’re nervous.” Nani said simply, her mug clinked as she set it gently to the plate in front of her.

 

Inej hadn’t thought her nerves were showing, she was normally as equally skilled as Kaz at masking her emotions.

 

“I can tell because you never stumble over your words, granddaughter. There are some things that never change, even with time. I know these years have not changed your voice that much.” Nani said, clearly she’d read Inej’s thoughts.

 

“I am nervous.” Inej admitted in a whisper, Kaz squeezed her leg encouragingly. Inej was grateful for his silence, for now.

 

“Then that is where you start. Start by telling me why you’re nervous. Hela se manti.” Nani’s eyes were soft, warm as she spoke. Hela se manti meant “Do the scary task first.”

 

“I’m nervous because I’m not the same as I was… when I was taken. I’m nervous because I like who I am now better.” Inej hadn’t expected the truth to roll of her tongue so easily. Nani had always had that effect on others, though.

 

If Inej hadn’t known better, she’d almost guess Nani was grisha, or something like it. Nani always seemed to be able to slow other’s minds enough for them to get their words out through the mental storm. It was something about her voice, her eyes. Comforting, even if you didn’t know her well. Yet, there was a sharpness about Nani. She was able to read between lines, and sometimes, it felt like she could see straight through your flesh and bone to the deepest and darkest parts of one’s soul. She didn’t judge, simply wished to see. To see and understand.

 

“I like her better, too.” Nani said simply, as if it all made sense. Inej didn’t know whether to wince or rejoice. Inej saw a spark of confusion pass over Kaz’s irises before his face returned to complete neutrality.

 

“You don’t know that, Nani.” Inej sighed and busied her nerves by taking another sip of tea.

 

“No. I suppose I don’t. So why don’t you let me decide, little girl?” Nani’s mouth slipped into a soft smile that screamed encouragement. Inej knew then that she would let Nani decide. It was the right thing to do. Inej also decided she wanted Kaz here, she was grateful for his steeling presence against the void inside herself that erupted every time she visited the past within her mind.

 

After all, who better to battle darkness than the moon?

 

“Alright.” Inej rolled her shoulders back and she felt Kaz squeeze her leg once more as he moved to take a sip of his own tea. Nani nodded and made a gesture with a heavily bangled wrist, the rings of gold catching the flame light of the stove. Nani wanted her to go on.

 

Inej took a deep breath. Then, she jumped into the void. A tether of pale lunar light wrapped around her waist, ready to assist in her climb back up from the darkness within.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            Inej told Nani first of the morning she’d been taken. She didn’t go into detail, Nani knew well enough that it had been terrible men, slavers. Then, Inej spoke of the hold she’d been kept in on the Slaving vessel, the other lost souls she’d met in the pitch black of misery. Inej hadn’t told Kaz about it, Inej had only ever told her parents of the others she’d met there. Of those who spoke Ravkan and relayed their own horrors. Inej felt Kaz’s hand tighten and loosen on her leg when he was surprised. He didn’t say a word, neither did Nani.

 

            Nani kept her eyes on Inej, but they were patient eyes. Eyes that had seen much life, eyes unafraid to witness more. Inej loved her for it.

 

            Inej got to the portion of the tale when she’d been sold to Tante Heleen. She told Nani of the trickery; the false promise of not being hurt if she signed the papers. Her throat felt like liquid flame when for the first time, she spoke in detail of the inspection she’d gone under by the mistress of the Menagerie. How Heleen had gripped her mouth and checked her teeth, how the evil woman’s eyes had assessed Inej’s still budding fourteen-year-old body, money signs in her greedy eyes.

 

Kaz’s rage was a palpable presence at the table when Inej spoke of it. She’d told Kaz she’d been inspected; she’d never told him how much. The only sign of his fire within was when Kaz Brekker took a long, deep breath. His anger was shown in the light squeeze of his hand on her leg under the table, reassuring himself or her, Inej didn’t know. His other hand was a leather fist on the table- Inej wondered dimly if the leather of his gloves would crack under the surely white knuckled strain of his tendons.

 

Inej hadn’t expected to do this, now. She’d expected to give Nani the full story, true, but not the detailed one. Inej didn’t know why she did now. Maybe it was the way Nani’s presence settled her anxiety.

 

Maybe Inej wanted Kaz to know all of the shadows inside of her, more thoroughly. Even if it terrified her. Maybe her shadows and his demons could waltz and leave them alone.

 

Inej took a long moment, a moment of solitude within herself before she spoke of the Menagerie. She closed her eyes against white fire tears threatening to bombard her cheek bones. She’d cried more in the past week than she had perhaps in her entire life.

 

Inej told Nani the truth. How she’d lost herself. How she feared her reflection. How she felt pain and sin and agony in every bone in her body, in every thread in the weaving of her soul. She told her Nani of what she thought was Inej Ghafa’s death, under a man who had seen her on the wire as a child. She told Nani how she met Kaz. Kaz who had convinced a gang leader to buy her indenture. Kaz who walked her out of hell under the cloudy night sky and draped his coat over her shoulders in the chilled autumn air, unaware that that was the first kindness she’d seen in a year. Unaware of the fact that it had been the first time Inej glimpsed who he was, underneath. Inej spoke of how the first step outside of hell had felt like a mile, as the weight of a hundred horrible men fell off her shoulders. Inej told her grandmother about a year of solitude, depravity, loneliness and despair. A year in the halls of a Pleasure house that only showed Inej true and utter sorrow.

 

Inej told Nani the truth. Inej told her that Kaz was now the leader of the Dregs, but before, he might as well have been, too. Inej looked to him once, as she spoke. Kaz met Nani’s eyes, and Inej thought she’d cry again when she saw Kaz dip his head in respect to Nani when her eyes widened in concern- concern for Kaz, not because of Kaz, Inej realized. Inej had been speaking of the coup Kaz had thrown to garner his position as a barrel boss, and Nani’s first reaction had been to scan over Kaz, seeming to make sure he was alive and well. Inej’s heart swelled.

 

Inej told Nani the truth. She told Nani how her blades were named after the Saints. How she’d felled good men, but also the truly vile. How she’d fought her shadow on a wire in the air, twenty stories up. She didn’t tell Nani of the Ice Court, or of Kuwei Yul-Bo, or of the subsequent auction, but she told her the truth as it was to her. She wouldn’t share those secrets, those truly dangerous pieces of information, but she could share moments. She whispered of Jesper and Wylan and Nina, those who had chosen to fight the darkness bare handed alongside her and kept her alive with simple smiles and comradery. She told Nani of the Wolf of Fjerda who had died an honorable death. Her tears had fallen freely, Kaz had taken his hand to her cheek and wiped the tears away, seeming not to care about their audience as Nani listened.

 

Nani listened, she listened and she didn’t stop. Inej had never known how much she had to share. Her grandmother’s eyes were soft, sometimes surprised, sometimes horrified, but she sipped her tea and listened. Inej hadn’t realized how much she’d needed someone to do that. Someone in her family to hear her, uninterrupted.

 

Inej told the truth, her truth. Over and over again. She told Nani how she’d been named the Wraith of Ketterdam. The assassin and spider that haunted shadows, how she’d liked it, somehow. She liked being dangerous.

 

Inej could have sworn Nani’s lips twitched into a smile at that confession.

 

 

Then, Inej told Nani how Kaz Brekker had paid off her indenture. How he’d bargained with a Pirate and the Lantsov King for Mama and Papa to be brought to Kerch, to Inej. How he’d bought her a ship so she could fulfill her wish to hunt slavers, to save the innocent. How he’d surprised her, with both. She hadn’t known what he was doing.  Kaz had looked down as she spoke. Inej resisted the urge to reach over and tip his chin up, so he’d hold his head high now. She knew why he looked away. It was because it revealed something he never showed to anyone besides Inej herself.

 

Kaz Brekker was a good man, even if he was half monster, too. Inej loved it all. She loved his teeth that bit out the throat of enemies, she loved his hands that wiped away her tears and performed magic tricks. All of him.

 

She told Nani how she’d gone from acrobat, to lynx, to spider, to wraith, to Captain Inej Ghafa. She told Nani that she was all of them, all of the pieces, stitched into something new. Something stronger.

 

A blade forged from the fire of change.

 

“I like her better.” Nani whispered at the end of the tale. It was everything Inej needed to hear, wrapped in four words. It mended something deep and untended within Inej’s spirit.

 

Somewhere inside, a piece of Inej Ghafa clicked back into place. A piece Inej hadn’t realized was missing. Her Nani slipped it back into her chest, gently and kindly. Inej felt stronger yet.

 

“I can’t say I approve of Pirating. Or what do you call it? Gang- leading?” Nani chuckled as she looked to Kaz. Kaz turned his eyes up to Nani and Inej realized Kaz had become nervous. Kaz hadn’t wanted to lose Nani’s approval. He didn’t show it to her grandmother, but Inej saw it in the twist of his fingers on his tea mug.

 

“I suppose it’s a fitting term. Most just call me a monster. Either way, what was it you said when I first met you? I’ll answer to either.” Kaz’s lips turned up in a small, crooked grin.

 

Nani laughed and Inej smiled.

 

“I like you, too.” Nani said decidedly in Kaz’s direction. Inej watched as Kaz really heard the words.

 

“Told you it was a family trait.” Inej mumbled and Kaz’s lips formed a genuine smile now. She’d told him, in her first letter on her maiden voyage, the one she’d sent to Ketterdam, that it was a Ghafa family trait to find Kaz Brekker endearing. She hadn’t lied, even if she’d been a little hazy on rum as she wrote.

 

“What I was going to say was: I may not approve, but I understand. And I can’t say I won’t mourn your career on the wire, little girl, but I suppose I can concede to your unending desire to never wear skirts. A pirate Captain in a skirt would be a ridiculous thing to behold.” Nani sighed with a grin as she reached forward and took Inej’s hand in her own. Inej couldn’t help the disbelieving laugh that escaped her now chapped lips, she’d spoken for a long time. Longer than maybe she ever had, except when she’d told her parents the same truth. Told Kaz after she’d seen Charles Hester’s photo, all those months ago.

 

Nani would have no idea how much it meant to Inej, that small concession. That small piece of understanding, of respect.

 

“I think somewhere inside, somehow, I knew. All these years that you’ve been gone, I knew. I knew you’d gone home.” Nani’s eyes were lined in silver and Inej knew what Nani meant. Nani meant Inej had found Kaz, found her friends. She’d found her chosen family. They were equally as important to Inej as everyone in Aska Vasman.

 

“I did go home, Nani. I found home. It was hard, but I found it.” Inej answered and she used her free hand to wipe furiously at her eyes. Nani turned a smile to Kaz, and to Inej’s surprise, he dipped his head once more with a genuine smile, however small.

 

Nani grinned once more before she let go of Inej’s hand and stood, making for her jacket by the door to the caravan. Nani mumbled something about the soup she’d brought and Inej assumed Kaz knew where it was. Inej also knew Nani needed to get back to her own caravan before the snow got any worse. Inej and Kaz could make it to her parent’s caravan tonight for dinner, but that was about it. Twenty-yards away would be a feat on its own.

 

“One more thing.” Nani turned back to Kaz and Inej.

 

“Yes, Nani?” Inej asked as she straightened herself from the ground, Kaz did the same.

 

“The man. The one who… the one who remembered you, what became of him?” Nani whispered, and Inej saw sheer fire in her grandmother’s eyes. Inej swore flames licked in Nani’s irises, golden blue fire, the hottest kind.

 

Inej wondered then if she’d inherited more of herself from Nani than she’d previously thought.

 

Inej had been about to answer with something simple and true, such as “he got what he deserved.” But Kaz spoke before she could, with even more honesty than Inej had intended.

 

“I killed him. Inej took her justice, first.” Kaz rasped, his voice low and almost menacing. Inej saw his eyes darken at the memory, but he met Nani’s gaze with equal fire, unafraid if she would judge.

 

“Good.” Nani’s smile was wicked then, something Inej had never seen. She loved it.

 

Dirtyhands and a Suli grandmother shared a grin of triumphant vengeance. Inej couldn’t be happier she’d witnessed it.

Chapter 64: The Heart of His Storm

Summary:

Drowning.

Notes:

Chapter 64!!!

Ahhh! Okay, so this one is a tad shorter, and actually I wrote this and wasn't sure I'd include it, because we're headed to big places, but I realized it is important. I really love it, so i hope you all do, too!

Thank you so much for all the support! I love each of you and I hope to have the next update after this one up either tonight or tomorrow!

Drop me a comment with your thoughts, I'll be getting back to everyone over the course of the evening! Much love!

KAZ

 

            Inej had been relatively quiet since Nani had departed earlier that afternoon, Kaz didn’t mind. Their silence was as much of value to him as their conversations. He’d known it had taken a lot out of Inej, to tell Nani the truth of all her years away from the caravans. It had been around two bells since Nani left, according to Kaz’s time piece that sat on the table beside him. It was late afternoon, four bells. Kaz had begun outlining his own plans to purchase stocks from under Pekka Rollin’s nose. His pen scratched the paper of his note pad, the only other noise in the Caravan was from the wind outside and the crackle of fire in the stove. The snow had not let up; it was truly blizzard-like outside the window. Kaz knew milder weather was promised in a few days, though, according to Inej’s parents.

 

            If Kaz was candid with himself, the day had taken something out of him as well. To hear Inej’s detailed version of the events that had transpired before he’d met her, or at least more detailed, had not been something Kaz had expected. He wanted to kill Tante Heleen. He wanted to find Nina and have her raise Charles Hester from the bottom of the canal in Ketterdam just so Kaz could kill him again. Kaz had begun to drift, in the hours after Nani left. His mind had drifted all the way back to work, back to Ketterdam. He wanted to know how the Club was faring, how Jesper was doing with ownership, if Anika had had any problems from their rivals. Kaz had gotten more sleep in the past week and a half than he had in years, he’d had no schemes to formulate, no job to work toward. It unnerved him, in some unwelcome way.

 

            He supposed Dirtyhands had stayed away longer than Kaz had initially thought he would.

 

            Kaz had known he would start to feel odd without work, though the file on Pekka certainly helped. It was a task Kaz hadn’t had time to see to in Ketterdam. He was glad to work on it, glad to entertain different ideas of how best to make Rollin’s truly suffer before death dragged its ass to his door.

 

            After a while longer, Kaz turned around from where he sat to check on Inej, who was laid in a massive pile of silk throw pillows from their bed, curled up reading a novel she’d packed with her. At the sight of Inej’s completely enamored eyes as she scanned the pages, Kaz finally gave into temptation. He could spy no title on the spine of the novel in her hands.

 

            “What is the book?” Kaz rasped, his voice rougher from no use these past hours.

 

            Inej looked up after a moment, seeming to finish a sentence or paragraph. Kaz noticed a light flush to her cheeks as she met his eyes from across the caravan.

 

            “Nothing you’d be interested in.” Inej muttered as she turned a page. She’d unbound her hair and it fell in tousled waves, Kaz noticed a feather from one of the cushions had become entangled in a strand. He almost stood just so he could go remove it for her, but she noticed and tossed it aside, much to his dismay.

 

Not for the first time, Kaz longed to touch her. It was still new, wonderful and blissfully new. Even after a year of careful practice.

 

            “Try me.” Kaz responded as he dropped his pen to the note pad before him.

 

            “No. I’d rather not.” Inej mumbled, her flush deepened and danced along the collar of her shirt. A tiny smile threatened to brighten her face.

 

Kaz’s interest was piqued. This was interesting.

 

“Nina recommended it to me ages ago, and I finally went to the booksellers before we left Ketterdam to pick it up.” Inej said, she was dancing around the actual question.

 

Interesting indeed, if Zenik had recommended the novel.

 

“Is it printed in kerch or ravkan?” Kaz asked as he stood from the ground. His leg was much better, thanks to hours near the fire in the stove. It hardly protested the movement.

 

Inej quirked her head in confusion. “Kerch, why?”

 

“Excellent.” Kaz grinned as he plucked the book from her un-expecting hands. She hadn’t noticed he’d moved closer.

 

“Kaz! Give it back!” Inej cried though her eyes betrayed her stern tone by shining with amusement.

 

Kaz turned away from her, there was no title on the spine of the book, and no dust jacket. Kaz flipped to the first page of the novel and found the title.

 

“The lives of Saints: original text translated from Ravkan.” Kaz read aloud, a grin already breaking free on his lips.

 

“I told you that you wouldn’t be interested.” Inej laughed from behind him, very close behind him. Kaz didn’t have time to react before a slender bronze arm darted around him and ripped the book from his grasp.

 

Kaz turned to her, suppressing his laughter. Inej frowned.

 

“Laugh all you want, it’s fascinating.” Inej mumbled and strutted back toward her cushion throne.

 

“You said Nina recommended it and I assumed it was something filthy, that’s all.” Kaz’s laughter finally broke free. It was truly the only reason he was laughing; he had assumed Nina had not recommended anything suitable for the religious spectrum. Inej’s face turned wicked.

 

“No, I have you for that.” Inej winked and Kaz swore his skin must have reddened.

 

For the first time, Kaz realized that what Inej had said was true. They couldn’t do everything… but they did have some part of that life now, that physical life together.

 

“In the presence of a saintly book, Inej? Oh, how the pious have fallen.” Kaz quipped, as he walked back toward the table, mostly cursing how much her comment had affected him. He threw her a crooked grin over his shoulder, not bothering to hide his satisfaction. Inej rolled her eyes but her skin flushed again.

 

“It’s not actually religious, it’s the stories of their actual lives. The saints before sainthood.” Inej said with a chuckle. Kaz was about to sit back to the table when Inej threw a cushion at his back.

 

“What was that for?” Kaz turned and eyed the cushion on the floor. Inej smiled smugly.

 

“For getting up, walking over here, and then not even bothering to sit with me instead of over there.” Inej sighed dramatically and Kaz couldn’t hold back the smile on his face.

 

“Ask nicely, wraith.”

 

“Please.” Inej made a grabby motion with her hand.

 

 Kaz swore his monstrous reputation went down in ranks, because damnit he folded easily with the expression she wore.

 

Kaz looked at the file on the table and decided to leave it. Kaz walked over to Inej and she scooted over in her cushion pile. Clearly she wanted him to join her. Kaz didn’t hesitate, though his leg groaned at the awkward sitting position before he maneuvered his bad limb onto a cushion. To his disappointment, it was ridiculously comfortable. Inej had not been wrong to make this her reading spot.

 

“Tell me about them.” Kaz wasn’t sure why he said it, but it was worth the smile that lit Inej’s eyes.

 

Inej told him of incredible feats, of tragedy, and strange fire birds. Kaz found himself enamored, Inej was speaking like he’d never seen. She was passionate. She looked so alive.

 

Kaz didn’t know how long she spoke, but he’d have listened forever; about the damned Saints of all things.

 

“I- I haven’t finished the rest of the book. I’ll tell you the rest when I do.” Inej sighed and she turned the book over in her hands. He didn’t know if she was aware of the small smile on her lips.

 

“I’d like that.” Kaz nodded slowly, it was something he’d never thought he’d say.

 

“Really?” Inej whispered, she looked at him then, her eyes searching his face. He knew why. He knew it was because he’d always told her exactly how he felt about religion, how he still felt. He’d made snide jokes and stupid jibes without bothering to think on it.

 

“I’ll never be religious, Inej. Doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the story.” Kaz mumbled as he reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. His hand lingered and she leaned her cheek into his bare palm.

 

No. No. Why now? Kaz felt it, the water. For the first time since they’d been in Ravka. Later, he’d wonder if it was because the touch was unexpected. Now, he tore his hand away faster than intended, as if he’d been burned by the water brushing his wrists.

 

“Kaz?” Inej’s voice was surprised, yet gentle. How could it happen from this? But it hadn’t happened as he’d held her in his arms last night, every night prior? It was then that Kaz realized her cheek had been wet. Inej’s eyes had watered when he’d said he wanted to hear the rest of her story of the Saints. A tear had escaped.

 

Wet. Dead flesh. No. Inej.

 

It’s all dead, brother. I am too.

 

Jordie’s voice. No. Not again.

 

Kaz bolted from the cushions, his leg screamed but Kaz didn’t care, he couldn’t see anything but an escape route from the proximity to flesh. His gloves. Where the fuck had he thrown his gloves?

 

The table. Gloves.Kaz grasped the leather and slipped them over his hands. Inej had said something. Kaz couldn’t hear her over the gasps of air. The gloves helped, the water was receding. He shut his eyes. He was near an actual panic attack. Not now, he had to stop it here. Inej said something again. He didn’t hear her words; it was a dull noise compared to the waves around him.

Kaz leaned against the wall of the caravan, his hands over his face as he took breath after breath. He smelled pine and incense. Inej was close.

 

Safe. Home. Inej. Alive.

 

Kaz didn’t know how long it took for her words to bring him back to land, but he finally heard her.

 

“Open your eyes. Please, mera chaar. Open your eyes, look at me.” Inej whispered, her voice of honey made him do it. Made him peel his hands from his eyes. Jordie’s voice went silent, the water dried. He hadn’t been able to push it all away, this time, but the nausea finally began to recede.

 

Inej had put on her jacket. She’d found his spare pair of gloves and slipped them over her own hands. She’d even put socks on. She’d done it all for him.

 

“Inej.” Kaz’s voice came out smaller than he’d intended, heavier on the rasp.

 

“I want…” Inej shook her head, seeming to decide not to finish the sentence. She moved, slowly, until she was directly in front of him. She opened her arms.

 

She’d put armor on so she could hug him.

 

Kaz pulled her to him, he did not touch her skin in the slightest, but he hugged her harder than he ever had. She gripped him just as tight.

 

Kaz hugged his girl the way he’d needed someone when he first crawled out of the harbor. Ever since he’d drug himself from those dark waters, Kaz had waited for this hug.

 

 Inej always waited on dry land in the heart of the storm. A pirate with reverse roles, indeed.

 

“I love you.” Inej whispered into his chest and Kaz still couldn’t fathom why. He also hadn’t known how much he needed to hear her say it again, after this, after he drowned.

 

“I’m sorry.” Kaz dared to let his chin rest on her hair. He realized his eyes were watering. He didn’t care.

 

“No. Please, don’t be. I don’t want that for us. For either of us. We made a promise, on the ship, Kaz. We fight together, in mind and body and soul. In the face of our enemies. We both knew one of us would have a bad day again. It was a toss-up between you or me. You pulled the short stick. No sorrys for things like this. These actions are still echoing, for both of us. We’ll keep fighting.” Inej whispered. She pulled back and looked up to him. Kaz didn’t bother to hide his face or the rogue tear that had managed to break past his defenses. He didn’t… he didn’t want to hide from Inej anymore. He wanted her to see it all, it’s what he wanted when Inej fought her own battles. He wanted her to show him, too.

 

Inej moved an arm away from his waist, she made sure he saw her coming. She wiped away his tear with a glove clad hand. He loved her, he loved her so much. He wished he could risk kissing her now, but he knew his demons well. It could result in him vomiting or drowning under a tidal wave.

 

“I love you, too.” Kaz whispered. He saw her lips quirk up, but he was already pressing a kiss to her hair protected head. He wanted more. He wanted to be better, now. Kaz reminded himself, over and over, that the progress they’d made was not lost. He didn’t have to start over. It was a bump in the path, as Inej had said. It didn’t mean they were back at the beginning.

 

Jordie, let me go. Let me keep living. I have a life, for the first time since you left. Let me live it. I miss you. Let me go, anyways.

 

Kaz let Inej take his hand and lead him to their bed. Inej moved and laid atop it. Kaz laid down next to her, facing her on his side. He wanted to set fire to the two feet of space between them. There hadn’t been this much space between them as they laid beside each other in weeks.

 

Only a few days ago, Inej had been completely naked on this bed, he’d seen her body for the first time. The night before that, he’d had her in his lap after kissing her as many times as he could… they’d been as intimate as they could manage and there had been no water. Only last night, he’d slept shirtless with her tucked safely in his arms. There had been no water. Kaz wanted to rage. He wanted to break something, get in a fight. He didn’t know if he wanted to kick someone’s ass or have them beat him into hell once and for all. Kaz just wanted Inej closer.

 

“Stop.” Inej whispered. Kaz realized he’d been staring at the space between them, lost in angry thoughts. He shifted his eyes to hers.

 

“Stop what?” he rasped.

 

“Stop glaring at the sheets, they had nothing to do with this and I happen to like them.” Inej smiled, her eyes were encouraging. Kaz’s lips betrayed him in a smirk.

 

“I like the sheets, too. I’m angry that you’re over there.” Kaz hadn’t expected to be so blunt, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He supposed if his physical armor had to be present now, maybe his internal armor could fall. Especially when Inej looked at him the way she was now. Like she understood. Like she loved him.

 

“It’s only for now.” Inej whispered. It was a reminder, for both of them. He knew Inej had been as surprised as he had that he’d drowned once more. Kaz watched as Inej peeled his spare gloves off her hands, she tossed them to the nightstand before she extended her bare hand between them. Kaz kept his gloves on but he reached for her.

 

Kaz would always reach for her.

 

In that moment, Kaz realized it wasn’t too late. It wasn’t too late to face the water. It wasn’t too late to swim the storm. He’d spent too long on a raft of death; life was in the water, in the waves that met the shore. He could guide himself there, and his sea would push him home.

 

 

 

Chapter 65: A Storm Made of Soul

Summary:

Vengeance on Ravkan soil.

Notes:

Chapter 65!!

AHH. Okay, honestly, this chapter might be one of the hardest I've ever written. Just technically difficult. I have no idea if it's good or not. I've planned to have it up for two days and kept re-working it. I'm so sorry for the wait, I hope it's worth it? I have no idea. I don't know if it's my perfectionist tendencies and being my own worst critic or if this chapter truly isn't as good. I don't know. AHHH just let me know what you think. I'm sorry if it's not as great as I really intended and wished to convey, I do love it all the same, though. No matter what, it's one of the most special chapters I've written. Maybe that's why I was so hard on it.

Drop me a comment, seriously all feedback is welcome and I'm so sorry if I overlooked any awkwardness during editing, I just wanted to get it up for you all! <3

Thanks a million, as always. <333

INEJ

 

            They were at dinner in her parent’s caravan when the screams began.

 

            “Did you hear that?” Mama almost dropped her wine glass as Papa stood abruptly from the table. Inej heard it too, she knew Kaz had as well. He was stiff beside her; his hand froze the circles he’d been drawing on her knee under the table.

 

            “It sounded farther than the camp?” Inej mumbled. Her mother nodded slowly. Inej knew there were families that chose to camp farther in the woods for privacy, Inej’s family used to do the same, until she had been taken. Inej knew there was likely at least twenty families that made their camp for the cold season deeper in the woods, slightly removed from Aska Vasman. Inej explained as much to Kaz under her breath as Papa opened the door to the caravan and took a step outside. It was no longer snowing, but cold. Icy.

 

            Inej felt her stomach tumble in fear. She remembered screaming, only a few paces from where she sat now. She remembered the men who’d stolen her from her bed, the men who had treated her like nothing more than a piece of silk to sell at market.

 

 Inej remembered screaming for her life, for the girl she had believed she was supposed to become.

 

Inej felt Kaz squeeze her knee gently, luring her away from the memories that threatened to drag her into the void.  Inej looked to him but he was staring out the door of the caravan, past Papa. Inej knew his brain was already calculating what the screams could have been; an animal attack, a fall off a practice wire. Kaz didn’t know Aska Vasman the way Inej did, though. He didn’t know the suli people the way Inej did.

 

Screams…. Screams were rare. Most could fall off a wire and break a bone with little more than a grunt- it was part of their way of life. Her parent’s reaction mirrored her own. This was not normal.

 

“Papa?” Inej whispered to her father’s back as she stood from the ground. Mama had not yet stood and looked like a doe in the face of a bow and arrow. Inej knew her mother was probably thinking of the day Inej had been taken as well. Inej longed to reach out to her, to comfort her, but she didn’t have time before the awful noise began again.

 

Another scream rattled the clearing. Inej rolled her shoulders back, even with fear rippling every muscle under her skin. Inej heard Kaz stand, the light tap of his cane on the floorboards told her that he’d moved to stand directly behind her.

 

“Something is wrong.” Papa said, his voice did not shake, but Inej knew her father’s tone. Long gone was the laugh he’d boomed only a few minutes before in the aftermath of a joke Kaz had made about Inej’s first time drinking bourbon in Ketterdam, in its place was a tone of fear.

 

Just as another scream sounded, Khalid came running up the path to the caravan, Inej moved to stand by Papa. She took in her best friend’s face, his eyes were unfocused, his face flushed from the cold and running. He was not in running clothes, he was in only a shirt and lounging trousers- he’d not intended to be out in the weather. Inej was dimly aware that he must be freezing.

 

“Khalid, what’s wrong?” Papa asked as he stepped down the front stairs. Inej felt Kaz just behind her, he let his hand rest on the small of her back. She didn’t need to look at him to understand the words he conveyed with the movement: “I’m here”. Inej was glad to have him, also glad that his touches were normal, even after he’d drowned only hours ago. Their progress was sticking even after one of them had an episode, it was good. Beautiful. Normal.

 

“Thought it was a raider party, over by Mara and Rin’s caravan. I heard the commotion and ran over there since our caravan is closest to the trail they camp off of. When I got over there, Mara was hysterical. Lina and Cara are missing. They’d been inside sleeping while Mara and Rin went to check on the well ports- their water was sputtering.” Khalid took a deep breath, hands on his knees. His voice shook from exhaustion and an undernote of fear. Khalid afraid was something Inej had witnessed very few times. Khalid was one of the most fearless people Inej had ever encountered. “Rin is out there looking and I noticed a bunch of footprints in the snow heading through the woods. None small enough to be the girls. Cara is twelve, Lina is only ten, the foot prints were the size of mine. A bunch of the guys from the practice tent came to help, but I ran here. They told me not to go anywhere but… if it’s- if it’s a slaver raid… I thought I needed to come here before the whole camp gets involved.  I needed to come here…to you, Inej.” Khalid finished with a deep breath. Inej met his eyes and nodded sharply just once.

 

Inej felt her insides seize. Mama gasped from beside her and Kaz on the Caravan porch. Inej felt Kaz freeze too.

 

Not a moment later, she and Kaz were moving as fast as they could. She didn’t hear if Khalid said anything further. She couldn’t spare a moment. She was vaguely aware that Rahul and several others had run up as she and Kaz rushed down the path toward their own caravan. They needed weaponry.

 

Saints, guide me. Don’t let those men make it through the woods to the coast. Inej wished she’d worn her blades to dinner, she couldn’t let herself think on the fact she was losing precious time. She needed their weight, their reassuring presence. She needed them to kill any man who tried to walk through this sacred forest with two little girls. Girls who were younger than Inej had been when she’d been taken. Children.

 

“Inej!” Mama yelled but Inej kept running. Kaz kept up, too. She was grateful then, even as her heart clenched in anxious despair. She was grateful for her avri that knew exactly what they were about to do, and she hadn’t a single worry in the world that he’d fight alongside her- no matter how many enemies they’d face.

 

Inej landed on the steps of their caravan and Kaz moved in front of her and unlocked the door with his key. Inej raced inside behind him and Kaz pulled his bag out from under their bed and dropped it on the sheets. Inej felt eyes on her and she turned over her shoulder to see Mama and Papa, Khalid, and Rahul in the doorway to their caravan- all panting from the run they’d made down here after them. Inej turned away and Kaz unlatched his bag. There was no time to contemplate what her family was about to see. She and Kaz both began digging through their personal armory.

 

It was a dance they’d both perfected. A waltz of lethal precision.

 

Inej handed him his brass knuckles.

 

Kaz handed over her thigh sheaths.

 

Inej handed him a tin of spare ammunition for his pistols.

 

Kaz handed over Sankt Petyr and Sankt Vladamir.

 

They ignored the eyes on them as they armed to the teeth. Inej and Kaz had been replaced by the Wraith and Dirtyhands. They were setting out on the hunt for justice on Ravkan soil for the first time.

 

No one in the Ghafa family said a word as they watched Inej bloom into an iron rose, thorns and all.

 

Kaz reached over and tightened her thigh sheath, she hadn’t realized it was loose.

 

“Inej.” Papa said from behind her. Inej looked to Kaz’s eyes as he put his spare pistol in his belt on his back under his blazer. Somehow, he told her with his eyes that they’d get through it. All of it.

 

Inej mouthed the names of her saintly blades as she felt for each of them in their proper spots. The meditation was complete as she slipped her hood up over her hair.

 

Inej turned and prepared herself for her family to tell her not to go. She would, no matter what. Captain Inej Ghafa would not let the innocent suffer. Kaz Brekker wouldn’t either, even if he wouldn’t openly admit it.

 

Instead, she was surprised.

 

“Be safe, mera tarre.” Papa whispered, his voice spoke for all of them as was shown in the small smile from her mother, even as tears ran down her golden cheeks. It was shown in the nod of encouragement from Khalid and Rahul in tandem as they stepped away from the doorway, making room for her and Kaz to pass through. She saw worry in all of their eyes, but she knew she could not ease their fears.

 

She could only prove to them what she could do, who she had become.

 

Inej could only offer them a grim sort of smile, or at least she hoped her lips worked in a smile. It may have been a grimace. She wasn’t entirely sure. Inej was already forming a plan, a path. She knew the trail that ran behind Khalid and Rahul’s caravan, thanks to the morning she’d ran with Khalid. She’d seen the caravan of the missing girls’ family about a hundred yards back from the main trail. Inej almost missed Khalid’s murmur to Kaz from behind her on the steps to the caravan.

 

“Keep her alive, please, Kaz.” Khalid clapped Kaz on the shoulder. Her best friend’s voice sounded pleading. Inej wanted to tell him that she would return. She wanted to tell him that she’d be alright. Khalid had brought this problem to her, even if he worried for her safety. It meant everything to Inej that Khalid had faith in her, even if he’d beg Kaz to keep her alive.

 

“You’re mistaken. She’ll keep me alive.” Kaz’s rasp sounded before he caught up with Inej on the path.

 

Inej smiled inwardly, even in the midst of chaos and despair, no one believed in Captain Inej Ghafa more than Kaz Brekker. She felt like the luckiest woman alive.  

 

Inej paused on the path, Kaz beside her. She yelled over her shoulder.

 

“Tell everyone to stay off the path, Khalid. We need a wide berth.” She shouted, praying Khalid heeded her request. Inej and Kaz could not afford to see many lantern lights in the forest- it could lead to them chasing false leads. Inej needed her people to trust in her and Kaz to do this job and do it right.

 

 Inej was sprinting, as fast as she could, there were no more moments to spare. The girls could have been missing for up to a half a bell by now. Inej prayed to the Saints that she was wrong, that Khalid had been wrong. She prayed that the girls had wandered off to a friend’s caravan, snuck out after their parents left. She prayed that by the time they reached the site of the disappearance, the girls and their parents would be reunited.

 

Inej knew it was a fool’s hope, though. There was something in the air, something she hadn’t felt since she was fourteen years old and nothing more than a wisp on the wire. Inej wasn’t wrong, fear told her so as it heaved a battle cry from within her ribcage.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Kaz and Inej trekked through the woods, silent on their feet. They’d found the boot prints that Khalid had mentioned. Inej was grateful for the bonelight Kaz had packed amongst his weapons, the luminescence allowed them to view the path without attracting unwanted attention as they would have with a lantern.

 

Inej paused them when they came to a particularly tall grove of trees, she slipped off her boots to reveal her climbing slippers underneath. Kaz nodded once in understanding as Inej silently scaled the pine tree beside them, testing each branch to insure her silence. Inej needed a bird’s eye view; if she could make out the light of a lantern moving through the trees, they’d have a heading.

 

Inej came to the top of the pine and clung tight to the branches as the winter wind raged around her. She inhaled and exhaled, only her breath puffing in the breeze was proof she was not as much a part of this ancient tree as it’s limbs. Dark trees swayed as far as her eyes could see. She saw small dim lights through some of the pines toward her left, she knew it was other caravans. The lights were stagnant, fixed.

 

There. Northeast, a flicker through the pines. Moving light. She and Kaz would have to race, the light was heading toward the coast. Inej knew a ship would be miles out, but if the Slavers had gotten a skiff into one of the small coves by the cliffs… Inej and Kaz would be helpless. The Ravkan sea was perilous and icy in the winter months. If these men got those girls to the water on a boat, it was over. Inej would not be able to jump in after them.

 

Inej refused that outcome. Those girls would come home, tonight. They would not live the life Inej had lived. A deadly sort of calm washed over her as she dropped back down the tree, branch by branch. It was a place Inej always entered within herself before a fight, and there would be a fight. These men would die.

 

Inej dropped soundlessly to the ground beside Kaz and he lifted his eyes in question. Inej whispered to him the direction and he responded with a plan of separation at the edge of the forest, he’d come from the left, her from the right. A tactic they’d used years ago, when they’d been closing in on a group of Liddies in Ketterdam. It had been just the two of them against six on the streets. Needless to say, she and Kaz had come out victorious.

 

Inej would kiss him for his scheming mind later. She hadn’t even thought of that idea.

 

Inej nodded her agreement and they set off. Kaz was nearly as silent as she, even in the snowy forest terrain. Kaz was light on his feet, even with his leg.

 

Inej knew his weapon of choice had also been blades and shadow before he’d broken his leg, only taking to his cane and bullets in the aftermath. Inej saw the spider he could have been, now. It was a dim but glorious thought as they raced silently through the swaying trees.

 

A few minutes later, they were trailing behind the swaying lantern light, perhaps only fifty yards ahead of them. Inej took the right side of the path, Kaz the left. They separated with only a look that said “No mourners” as they both faded into the trees, circling wide to beat the group ahead of them to the edge of the forest.

 

Once Inej passed the group, she came to the edge of the forest, she found cover behind a large snow covered boulder and she waited. She realized they’d circled much closer back to Aska Vasman, the first caravans were less than half a mile away. Good, they’d get those girls back home sooner than a hike back through the forest the way they came.

 

Inej was a cat toying with a fat, greedy, mouse. The rodents would come out from their hole soon enough.

 

Inej did not hear or see Kaz from across the small clearing, but she knew he was there, hidden perfectly somewhere amongst the trees and boulders. The moonlight filtered through the clouds, casting the clearing in hazy light- bright enough to kill efficiently. Her eyes had already adjusted. The waves of the True Sea crashed like thunder against the cliffs before her.

 

No storm was complete without thunder, though this storm came in the form of the two deadliest people that the barrel of Ketterdam had to offer.

 

Inej suspected the slaving raid party had at least five men, by the sounds she’d gleaned of them on the trail. She’d counted the snapping of twigs and the different gaits of walks. At least they hadn’t been stupid enough to speak.

 

Until now, that was. They were here.

 

“We need to get ‘em down to the boat. Ship leaves at dawn, Captain said. Need to get back toward open water before first light in case anyone is stupid enough to come lookin’. Can’t risk pay day, eh gents?” A nasally man’s voice came from the trailhead, he spoke kerch. Inej peeked over the boulder to spy seven men. Two of which were carrying the girls, their limp forms suggested they’d either been knocked out or drugged.

 

Damnit. Inej had missed two men. Seven, not five. Tisk, tisk, Ghafa. Sloppy.

 

Inej waited until the last man cleared the trailhead, she saw the line she’d drawn in the snow with her foot get brushed with the last man’s boot. The moment the line was crossed, she and Kaz both selected their first targets. Inej stood silently from behind the boulder, none of the men noticed her in the dark. She flung Sankta Alina and the blade landed true in the throat of the man who’d crossed the line last.

 

Inej heard a grunt and saw another man’s legs disappear behind a tree. A crunch followed, the breaking of bone. Kaz had struck silently with only his leather clad hands. A monster hiding in the trees.

 

Oh, Kaz Brekker. Her avri.

 

“What the fuck?” the leader of the group saw her blade sticking out of his comrade’s neck. The next man fell before he could register the death. Sankt Vladamir stuck out of the man’s chest.

 

“Attack! Get the product down the cliffs!” The leader shouted, but Inej was quicker. She was on him in a matter of seconds, he was easily three times her weight, but the proper kick to the back of the knee dropped him off his balance in the snow. Inej slit his throat, the sticky crimson coated her face, but she was off to the next.

 

A bullet rang out and Kaz shot a man point blank before swinging his cane into the jaw of one of the men carrying an unconscious suli girl. If Inej had the time, she would have marveled in his precision, missing the girls head by only an inch in the swing before it cracked open the skull of the little girl’s captor. Inej hardly had time to spare a look, but Kaz caught the suli girl from the dead man’s arms before she could drop to the ground.

 

The last man, carrying the other girl was racing toward the cliffs on heavy feet and panting. Intent on his payday. Too bad he’d not see it. He wouldn’t die yet, either. Inej had some questions. She also had the best interrogator in the world behind her. Granted, his methods were unorthodox. Violent. Inej loved him for it.

 

Fool. Ignorant, belligerent fool.

 

Inej noticed the rope tied to a tree above the cliffs that the men must have tied to use to careen down the face of the cliff toward the cove and their awaiting boat.

 

“Sankt Petyr, guide your namesake blade home.” Inej whispered as she let the blade fly from behind the running slaver. The blade soared and cut through the rope, a snap sounding the loss of the man’s get away before landing in the snow several feet further.

 

The man dropped the girl and Inej winced when her form hit the ground. The man was abandoning now, thinking he’d get away without the girl’s weight. He was wrong.

 

Kaz knocked him out with a sickening thump of cane on skull. Inej knew the blow hadn’t killed the man, at most concussed him. But he was out, a loud thud of greed made flesh on the ground.

 

Inej raced to the girl on the ground and pushed back her hair. She was out cold, but Inej touched her neck and found a young, fluttering pulse. Inej looked behind her to see Kaz had set the other girl on the ground before he’d come to her aid in knocking out the last man.

 

Kaz was already looping rope around the unconscious man’s wrists in expert knots that Inej was sure were even better than the ones she tied on her ship.

 

“Her pulse is good, too.” Kaz rasped and Inej nodded. She was coated in blood, not a drop of it her own. She’d not even taken a punch. Neither had Kaz as far as Inej knew, though he was equally coated from shooting one of the men at such close proximity.

 

“Any hits?” Inej asked softly as she scooped up the girl before her. She was light, Inej thought this must be the ten-year-old- Lina. That’s what Khalid had said her name was.

 

Kaz didn’t respond but he shook his head. He’d taken no injuries either.

 

“We’re not that far from the entrance to camp. They circled all the way around to avoid any of the other caravans. We’ll wait a few minutes and see if the girls wake before we try and move; if they were only knocked out they should wake soon. Much easier if they can walk and I don’t want to leave this asshole here unattended.” Kaz rasped and Inej agreed. She set Lina down next to her sister near the boulder where she’d initially hid, keeping them out of the coastal winter draft as much as possible. Inej slipped off her coat, planning to tuck it over the girls, she’d stood in worse cold for far longer. The little ones needed it more. Then Inej realized that Kaz had already taken his own coat off and draped it over Cara. Inej put hers over Lina.

 

They’d made it in time. These girls would not suffer the cold winds of this world alone. They would not swim harbors or die under false silk. Inej and Kaz had ensured that much. Victory tasted sweet in Inej’s mouth as her lips turned up in a genuine smile.

 

Inej stood from her crouch beside the unconscious girls and made her way to the Cliffside. Looking down, Inej spied the waiting skiff that would have taken the raiding party back to their ship, which was surely somewhere off the coast just beyond her sight in the murky moonlight. She pulled out a spy glass she’d grabbed from their bag in the caravan to get a better look, and to make sure there was no one waiting down below.

 

Oh no. There was a second skiff, just up the sand of the small cove beach from the first. One packed with camping supplies, but enough room for at least three men. Maybe four. There was a second group.

 

A twig snapped beyond the clearing.

 

Inej turned to Kaz immediately, he’d finished tying up the unconscious man and his eyes scanned the trees as quickly as hers. Inej moved on silent feet to stand in front of the unconscious Lina and Cara.

 

Moments later, footsteps went crashing in the other direction of the clearing, a noisy getaway when the second party realized their escape route had been ransacked. Inej looked to Kaz and held her breath. The men had made sure that they’d heard them running away- it stuck out to Inej.

 

Kaz and Inej stood in silence, weapons at the ready for several long minutes, until all sounds of the phantom men had faded into the cacophony of the forest. Inej finally moved her feet only a few paces to retrieve her other blades from the fallen. Kaz was already dragging the bodies to the Cliffside and tipping them over, checking pulse points as he went to insure they were truly dead before he dumped them to the jagged rocks and waves below, far away from the small beach of the cove. No one would discover their watery grave.

 

Kaz walked over to her once the last of the bodies had been disposed of. Inej had not moved more than a few feet away from the still unstirring girls.

 

She felt protective. Inej would die before another man got to them. They deserved to live, freely. Without demons. With their family. They deserved love, unburdened. A life unmarred by this brand of wickedness.

 

“Inej.” Kaz’s voice shook her from her careful scan of the trees.

 

“Hmm?” Inej finally dragged her eyes to him. Kaz was all contrasts as she looked at him. His face and hair were coated in blood, his shirt stained crimson. Tie askew. But his eyes, his eyes were glowing in the moonlight. They were soft, so soft.

 

“Let’s get them home. Those men are going to follow us. But we’ll lure them to the entrance of the camp. We’ll get the girls to safety, then we’ll take them down, too.” Kaz whispered, making sure to keep his voice low enough that if the men were truly close, there was no way they’d hear his words.

 

“We can’t bring them to the camp, Kaz.” Inej sighed.

 

“You know it’s the best option. Let them think we’re unaware. Let them trail us. Let us get them home.” Kaz made a subtle gesture of a wrist to the girls.

 

“What if they aim guns from the trees, Kaz?” Inej mumbled, her voice equally as soft.

 

“They won’t because they can’t risk taking us down and hitting the girls we’ll be carrying. They want the payday, not the murder.” Kaz reasoned.

 

“I thought I told you to stop being right, shevrati.” Inej managed a small smile and Kaz’s eyes flared in amusement.

 

A raspy chuckle came from him before he moved away.

 

“Only problem is this.” Kaz kicked the man he’d bound with rope. There was no way they could carry the girls and drag their captive. Inej made a decision, then. She flicked Sankta Lizabeta out of her belt sheath and walked to the man. She slit his throat before she rolled him over the edge of the cliff with the rest of his evil brethren.

 

She turned back to Kaz and his lips formed a crooked grin. He’d understood. Inej was taking a gamble that they’d be able to incapacitate and capture one of the other men for answers to their questions. Like who employed them, what routes they sailed on the true sea. Who she’d hunt down on her next voyage along with Kane De Vries. Or maybe they were one and the same, it would certainly make her job easier if she only had one target. Inej doubted her luck was that good, but she sent a silent prayer to the saints anyways.

 

Only minutes later, Inej had Lina cradled in her arms and Kaz had Cara in his own. He’d have to limp, forgo his cane entirely. Inej knew his leg would not be in good temperament later, but Kaz didn’t seem to mind as he slipped his cane under his arm and cradled Cara tightly. He did not touch her skin.

 

This would be a close thing, but Inej had faith in Kaz’s plan. She had faith in the two of them, together. Together, they could fight the world bare handed.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Half a bell later, Inej and Kaz saw the lanterns of Aska Vasman. Inej knew they’d been followed. She and Kaz had not spoken a word, but they’d had conversations with their eyes the entire way through the woods. They’d get the girls to the nearest person inside the camp, then they’d hunt.

 

They’d hunt the slavers as if they were stags. Their trophy would not be antler crowns, but blood stains and victory.

 

Kaz’s eyes met hers as they walked up the same path that they’d first entered Aska Vasman from. His eyes told her how he felt. She felt the same. She willed a thousand “I love yous” in her eyes. Lina stirred in her arms, but her eyes still did not open. Inej had come to the conclusion that perhaps the girls had been drugged, as soon as this business was over, a medic would need to look them over. Perhaps Rahul.

 

She prayed the little suli girls were alright. Saints, keep listening. Heed my prayers.

 

Inej and Kaz spied an elderly couple, sitting on the front steps of one of the first caravans, otherwise, the camp was mostly quiet. Presumably, most on this side of the camp were either unaware of the missing girls or already out looking. Inej flicked her chin in a motion for Kaz to follow her. Inej knew they must have looked like hell incarnate, based on the wide scared eyes of the elderly man and woman. They approached with unconscious little girls in their arms, anyways. Inej didn’t have time to explain in full.

 

“These girls went missing, on the other side of camp. We got them back from Slavers, please watch over them. We have men on our trail. Be quiet please, take them inside. They can’t get to them.” Inej whispered in suli as fast as she could as she and Kaz deposited the girls gently to the ground in front of the couple. Inej prayed they were strong enough to get the girls inside, an elderly couple had not been her first choice, but she and Kaz were out of time as feet sounded behind them just outside the barrier of lantern light at the edge of the camp. The couple moved quickly, and not for the first time, Inej was obscenely grateful for the upper bod strength of even elderly suli acrobats. The old man scooped Cara up as his wife picked up Lina. They were silent as they moved into the safety of their wagon.

 

“Now, love.” Kaz whispered as he turned. Inej already had Sankt Petyr in her fingers once more, but as they turned, they did not see the men. Inej froze and listened as she stepped away from the elderly couple’s caravan, Kaz beside her, listening just as intently.

 

Where had the bastards gone? Did they manage to spy them dropping off Cara and Lina and abandon the whole notion?

 

Just then, Inej saw Khalid. He came running up the path from the center of camp, Inej’s parents and Rahul on the path behind him.

 

“’Nej!” he yelled but Inej held up a hand, effectively silencing him as the group approached.

 

“How did you know to come up here?” Inej whispered moments later, only when she heard no more signs of the men.

 

“Nani. Nani said we should come up here, a few minutes ago. She came and found us down near your parents.” Khalid said breathlessly. Inej didn’t understand, how had Nani known? Inej didn’t have time to ponder on it as a man crept around the corner of one of the caravans in the shadows.

 

“Time to work, treasure.” Kaz mumbled as he stalked his prey around the corner of the caravan. Inej heard Papa gasp as Kaz moved away with all the grace of a shark in the True Sea. Mama had tear streaked cheeks. Inej wanted to tell them none of the blood was hers, but she couldn’t spare a moment as she saw another shadow dart toward the caravan where she’d just stored the girls.

 

“Later.” Inej mumbled before she darted back the way she came. Sankt Petyr flew from her fingers in an arc of loyal violence. The shadow dropped in a flicker of movement and a groan of pain. Inej turned her head to see Kaz crack his brass knuckled fist against the jaw of a burly man in the middle of the path. Directly in sight of her parents and Khalid and Rahul. She knew they’d seen what she’d done, too.

 

Dimly, Inej had a thought. She was glad they knew, knew what she and Kaz were both capable of. There would be no questioning it now, as they had just seen Kaz kill a man with a blow to the head and a slit of an oyster shucking knife across his throat. They’d seen Inej fling a blade into a man’s jugular.

 

They knew who she was now- their daughter, their best friend, their cousin. Captain Inej Ghafa. Warrior and protector of the innocent. They also knew Kaz Brekker now- Dirtyhands, Bastard of the Barrel, Survivor, Champion of the voiceless. Even if he’d never say it. Never claim it. He cared.

 

Inej saw it then, another movement. A shadow on the roof of the caravan across from her, just above where Kaz was standing. Perhaps this was the last man standing of the slaver’s party.

 

“Take a knee, Brekker!” Inej shouted from across the path, already running. Knowing he’d launch her, knowing Kaz Brekker would not let her fall. Kaz would catch her, Kaz would lift her up to the sky.

 

Kaz dropped with his hands cupped just in time for Inej to step into his palms. He launched her up with immaculate precision, their movements practiced, fluid. Perfect. Compatible in a way that was only earned through trust. Inej would trust him with her life, over and over. She’d bet her life on Kaz Brekker, every time.

 

Kaz Brekker was the only person who had ever launched Inej up into the air. He was the only one Inej would trust to do it.

 

Inej disappeared over the roof of the caravan, hot on the trail of the man just paces ahead of her.

 

She was one with the shadows and sky once more. Meet the Wraith, Aska Vasman.

 

KAZ

 

            Inej became the wraith once more, on the snowy rooftops of a very different sort of city.

 

            Kaz had launched her, knowing she’d return triumphant, he had every confidence in his wraith.

 

            “Holy shit.” Khalid whispered somewhere behind him. Kaz remembered that Inej had said he’d been the only person she’d ever allowed to launch her. Not even Khalid ever had. Kaz did not turn to face her people, he couldn’t until Inej returned. He was vaguely aware that many more people had joined the ranks of Inej’s family. They’d drawn an audience. It was unusual, but Kaz didn’t care now. A calm sort of rage had descended upon him the moment they’d armed themselves in their caravan.

 

Kaz hadn’t thought he’d have a use for Dirtyhands in Aska Vasman. He’d been wrong. Violence came in handy in every corner of the world.

 

            His leg screamed. Kaz didn’t care.

 

            Any time now, mera nadra.

 

Moments later, Inej reappeared and silently dropped from the overhang of the caravan, tucking her body for the drop and springing up from an elegant roll. She dusted snow off her leggings, as if she hadn’t just performed in what Kaz’s opinion was the most beautiful show.

 

            Kaz swore he heard a collective breath being released from behind him, from Inej’s family. From her friend. From all the suli people who had gathered around.

 

            Kaz had not held his breath, but he felt his shoulders relax the moment Inej stood up. He always relaxed the moment he saw her, and knew without a doubt, that Inej was safe, alive, and breathing beside him once more.

 

            “To your left, Kaz!” A shout rang out from somewhere in the group of bystanders and Kaz turned away from Inej instantly just as a man descended upon him from the darkness in between two caravans. Kaz hadn’t heard him, he’d been too focused on Inej.

 

            It didn’t matter. He flicked his cane up with precision.  Kaz pushed the man back against the wall of the caravan, his cane braced against the man’s throat. Kaz threw his weight into his hands on either end of his cane. The man’s neck broke in a satisfying snap and he crumpled to the ground in a heap.

 

            “We missed one.” Kaz mumbled as he turned to face Inej. His anger with himself was quelled when she smiled.

 

            Her face was caked in blood that belonged to vile men, her hair had broken free from her braid. But her smile was brilliant, beautiful and full of glory.

 

            “Pleasure doing business with you, Captain Ghafa.” Kaz grinned crookedly.

 

            “The pleasure will be mine, later, Mr. Brekker.” Inej chuckled with a wink and Kaz swallowed when she laughed the laugh.

 

Kaz couldn’t even begin to imagine what her innuendo promised, but nothing could have stopped him from pulling her to him, then. Inej’s arms wrapped tightly around him and Kaz held her, completely uncaring how they looked, battle worn and smiling criminal grins in the midst of a blood bath.

 

They’d turn around and face the world eventually. They’d answer questions. They’d go interrogate the man Inej had surely left alive somewhere in the shadows. But, not now. This moment was all theirs.

 

Their lightning was the flash of a holy blade, the thunder a crack of a cane, the rain a shower of crimson. They hadn’t weathered the storm. They’d brought the storm.

 

Chapter 66: She Knew

Summary:

The aftermath of a battle won.

Notes:

Chapter 66!!

AHHHH. Okay, this one is definitely a little bit more of a filler.... but it's like super important. And I still love it to pieces. I've waited for something in this chapter for so long, you have no idea. AGHH. Anyways, I don't want to ramble, but I hope you guys love it! <3

THANK YOU SO MUCH to each and every one of you. This story hit 17k hits and that just... I can't explain it. I never expected such a response to this story and it literally warms my heart to know that you guys love reading what I write, I've wanted to be a writer my whole life and writing this story for you guys has just ignited so much joy in my soul. Seriously, you guys need to know you mean the world to me. I can't wait to keep writing and keep sharing with you all. Thank you again. <3

Drop me a comment with what you think! I'm getting back to everyone's previous comments after I upload this chapter and can't wait to chat with you all about this new part as well! <333

INEJ

 

            “None of it is mine.” Inej explained gently in reference to the blood coating her person. She and Kaz had just approached her parents as well as Khalid and Rahul at the end of the path. She was no longer afraid to meet their eyes as Kaz’s hand gripped hers.

 

            Tonight was a victory. Inej refused to see it as anything but that. It was the truth, a clear thing.

 

            Inej ignored the other groups clustered around the clearing at the entrance to Aska Vasman. They were eyeing herself and Kaz with wide and tentative expressions. She knew that she and Kaz had just done something none of them had ever seen before. She didn’t blame them for watching. But she also didn’t want to focus on that, now.

 

            Mama yelped a noise of relief as she pulled Inej into a hug, seemingly not caring about the blood that would surely transfer to her own clothes from Inej’s bloody frame. Inej gripped her back just as tightly and she felt Papa wrap his arms around both of them, something he’d done since Inej was small.

 

            Inej’s heart beat triumphantly in her chest, she didn’t know when her eyes had started watering. Perhaps the moment Kaz had pulled her to him, or maybe when she’d seen her family’s expressions when they’d finally broken apart and turned to them.

 

            Her family had not looked at her with fear, nor with pity. They had looked at her with pride in their eyes. Even after watching her fell a man with a blade named after a Saint. After watching Kaz, the man she loved, slit a man’s throat and snap a neck.

 

            Mama pulled away and looked into Inej’s eyes. There were tears running down Sharya’s face but she smiled so brightly that Inej’s lips turned up, too.

 

            “You saved those girls. You saved them,” Mama paused with a point of her finger to Inej’s heart. “My daughter, I have never been more proud to know you. To have raised you. To have loved you.” Mama whispered with her hands on Inej’s shoulders.

 

            Inej was going to cry. She felt the tears escape her eyes. Tears of victory, both for the battle won against the slavers and also for the battle won within herself. The battle she’d fought within, in order to find the courage of spirit to show her family who she’d truly become, now.

 

            “Mera tarre, your mother knows what she is talking about. You have always shone the brightest out of all of us, and you still do.” Papa pressed a kiss to Inej’s hair and her cheeks hurt from the smile plastered to her face.

 

            Only then, did Mama let her go. Inej poised to turn to Kaz but Mama beat her to it.

 

            “Are you hurt?” Mama was raking her eyes over Kaz’s body, concern written blatantly on her face, equally as much as when she’d regarded Inej.

 

            “No. None of this is mine, either.” Kaz rasped, his eyes downcast. Inej knew why his eyes avoided her mother. Inej knew he was concerned that with what her family- her people- had just witnessed, their opinion of him would be shaded in different colors. Until now, despite that her parents and Khalid and Rahul knew who Kaz was, what he did, they had never seen it firsthand. They’d never seen Dirtyhands take the reins and steer the seas of violence and schemes. Now they had seen at least a glimpse of what Kaz was capable of.

 

Inej already knew Kaz had nothing to worry about as she looked at her mother assessing her avri. Kaz was family, perhaps even more so after this evening. Not the other way around. Kaz Brekker needed to get used to being looked after by her parents, they saw him as one of their own, now.

 

“Good, we need men like you around.” Mama said with a smile before she hugged Kaz unexpectedly, for the second time ever. Mama did not touch his skin, only his shirt. Inej had never told her parents why Kaz wore the gloves, nor had they asked. Inej would never tell Kaz’s story for him, nor explain something that was only his to bare; but she wondered if Mama somehow understood. Her movements were always careful with Kaz, Papa too. Not in a fearful sort of way, but a way that only emanated a profound sort of respect for Kaz and his boundaries, even if they didn’t know exactly what those boundaries were.

 

Inej thought her heart stopped when Kaz wrapped his arms around Mama. His movements were loose, tentative. But he did it. Last time, in the Van Eck kitchen, he’d only stood in the circle of her mother’s arms. Now…

 

Kaz Brekker hugged Sharya Ghafa back.

 

Inej saw his lips form a tiny smile over her mother’s shoulder. Inej willed her eyes to tell him how much this meant to her. How proud she was of him. She knew he understood her message when he smiled still, even as Mama let him go.

 

“Okay, well, now we should talk about the fact that Kaz can launch you.” Khalid piped up and Inej let her grin be her response as Khalid shook his head in disbelief and false jealousy. Her best friend pulled her into a bone crushing hug and Inej gripped to him just as tight. Inej heard Papa chuckle, from the corner of her eye she saw him shake Kaz’s gloved hand.

 

Inej embraced Rahul next, her cousin’s eyes were wide.

 

“Since when did you become such a force, little cousin?” Rahul mumbled into her hair. He’d spoken suli and Inej could only chuckle as she let him go. She wanted to continue talking with her family, but there was something much more important to be done.

 

“Rahul, the girls are inside- over there, with a couple I don’t yet know the names of. Can you check on them? I think they may have been dosed with something. They didn’t have any signs they’d been knocked out with force, no bumps or bruising. Their pulse was good but I’d feel better if you checked on them.” Inej asked now with a glance and gesture to the caravan where she and Kaz had deposited the stolen little girls. Those girls were still Inej’s first priority.

 

“Of course! I brought this in case you were hurt, I thought maybe that’s why Nani told us to come up here. I’ll go right now!” Rahul gestured to his medical bag on the ground behind him. Inej knew her cousin was still a student of medicine, but she trusted him more than anyone right now to take a look at Cara and Lina. Rahul loped off and Inej smiled in his wake. She saw the elderly suli couple open the door of the caravan and usher her cousin inside.

 

How had Nani known where they’d be? They were nowhere near her caravan, she couldn’t have seen them on the path, and even if she had, Nani couldn’t have gone and found her parents and Khalid before she and Kaz had even gotten into the camp. It didn’t make sense.

 

“Where are the girls’ parents?” Inej turned back to Khalid now. Kaz had come to stand beside her once more, she noticed he was putting a decent amount of his weight on his cane. She suspected his lame limb was in a bad state after he’d carried Cara’s weight through the woods on his legs alone.

 

“I’m going to go fetch them, we told them to wait at their caravan in case the girls came back. Or if you both brought them back that way.” Khalid said as he ran a hand over the side of his head, a smile on his lips and emerald eyes shining in the lantern light. Inej knew her friend had thought the same thing as she.

 

Khalid was happy to be returning to the girls’ distraught parents with good news instead of devastation. Inej wished she could have spared her own parents that news, years before.

 

“They’ll want to meet you both.” Khalid paused as he was about to turn away. Inej froze, she felt Kaz tense as well.

 

Inej… it wasn’t that she didn’t want to meet them, but rather that she had no idea what to say to them. She didn’t need their gratitude, nor did she want it. Kaz didn’t either, she already knew that much based on the quick glance she took of his eyes.

 

Inej took a deep breath and Khalid quirked his head in confusion.

 

“Just tell them that we did what we could, we did the right thing. There’s no need for gratitude. I- I want to get back to our caravan. This blood is drying and I’m- I’m just tired, that’s all.” Inej said in what she hoped came off as an honest tone.

 

It was true, she needed a bath, desperately, and in a way, she was tired. But it was a half-truth. Inej didn’t want to face the parents of those girls and see their appreciation right now, she’d had to kill many men tonight. All Inej wanted was to be clean, dry, and kiss the life out of Kaz Brekker before she slept.

 

Khalid nodded slowly, seeming to try his best to understand. Inej knew he’d thought she’d want to wait and meet the girls’ family. But she was grateful for her friend when he simply dropped a kiss to her forehead and mumbled “tomorrow, then”, he parted with a grin to both herself and Kaz as he took off down the path on a mission to deliver the best news that could have come out of this dire situation.

 

Inej took another breath and she scanned the clearing to find her parents had walked over to the caravan where Rahul was seeing to the little girls, they were shaking hands with the elderly couple and smiling. Inej felt her lips turn up as she realized she and Kaz were blissfully alone, despite the crowd of people around them, talking amongst themselves and piecing together what had happened tonight.

 

“Where is he?” Kaz rasped from beside her. Inej smirked. Of course Kaz knew she’d left the man she chased on the roofs of the caravans alive.

 

“Tied up with a wire in the practice tent. Unconscious and ten feet off the ground.” Inej shrugged and Kaz huffed an amused breath. His eyes glinted in the lantern light and Inej saw only a triumphant sort of peace in his irises. She’d seen his eyes look like this many times, but this time, there was happiness there, too, right alongside a flickering flame of pride.

 

“When do you want to interrogate him?” Kaz whispered, making sure no one nearby heard them.

 

“Well, we should probably take care of it tonight, but I’m inclined to let him squirm. Then again, we do not want some unsuspecting acrobat to find a man hanging from the ground when they only intended to practice balance.” Inej chuckled. Kaz smiled, too.

 

“Tonight, then. Is the tent secluded? I can’t promise a quiet event, darling.” Kaz smirked and Inej felt a flutter in her stomach.

 

Somewhere amongst these years beside Kaz, she’d found she loved his violent streak. Especially when it came to the filth of the earth who deserved his wrath.

 

“Somewhat secluded, though there’s a decent amount of caravans nearby. We could ask Khalid’s brother to watch him tonight and take him to the woods at Dawn. It might be less… traumatizing for everyone else, then.” Inej mumbled.

 

“Khalid’s brother?” Kaz asked now. Inej only then realized she hadn’t told him who was guarding their prisoner now.

 

Aryan, Khalid’s elder brother of six years, was who Inej had seen in the practice tent. It had been an awkward sort of reunion, given that she hadn’t seen him since her return to Aska Vasman until she waltzed into the practice tent with a bloodied slaver in tow; looking like death herself with a crown of crimson.

 

She’d barely had time to embrace Aryan and explain the barest details of the situation before asking him to watch the unconscious prisoner with a promise to return. Inej had never been particularly close to Aryan, given that he was eight years Inej’s senior, but he’d always welcomed Inej’s company when she and Khalid were small and wanted nothing more than to trail after him and all of his older friends.

 

“Aryan. He’s six years older than Khalid. I was happy he was the one in the tent when I arrived, at least he knows who I am. You haven’t met him yet, but he’s trustworthy. He’s like family, Khalid’s family is as much mine as my own. I didn’t have time to explain much but he promised to watch the man until I returned. We’ll see what he says, I suppose.” Inej said and Kaz nodded.

 

“Do you want to wait and say goodnight to your parents? Do you want to tell them about our sequestered slaver, Captain?” Kaz asked as he surveyed the clearing from beside her.

 

Inej’s toes curled in her boots. He could not call her that, by her title, and expect her not to react.

 

Kaz smirked when her face flushed. Damn him. Ridiculously infuriating, dangerous man. She’d kiss him, soon. Inej took a breath and forced her eyes away from him.

 

“I don’t want to tell them yet. We’ll tell them after he’s been disposed of. I imagine they’ll come down to our caravan later. Let’s catch up with them, then. Let them relax for now.” Inej answered as she spied Mama and Papa sitting with a group of others outside the caravan housing Lina and Cara. Inej didn’t want to bother them further, now. They knew she and Kaz were safe, they deserved peace. Kaz nodded his agreement.

 

Moments later, they disappeared silently down the slim path between two caravans, phantoms in the lantern light of Aska Vasman.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Aryan?” Inej pulled open the flap of the practice tent.

 

“Here, Inej.” Aryan stepped into the torch light just inside the tent. Kaz entered behind her and Inej was vaguely aware that this was Kaz’s first time in one of the acrobatics tents; she wished it was under different circumstances. She didn’t have time to allow herself to ponder that disappointment currently, though.

 

Aryan was taller than both Khalid and Kaz but he was also built more like one of the pine trees surrounding the camp. All muscle and intimidation, despite that Inej knew he was one of the kindest men you could meet. Aryan did not use the wires, but he performed feats of strength in the shows, lifting multiple people on his back at one time, holding up logs twice his body weight. Inej had even seen him move a caravan several feet with the strength of his arms alone, no horses. It was truly incredible. He had eyes that reminded Inej of coral reefs, sea foam and hints of gold. His eyes were less green than his brother, but equally as unique with his bronze suli skin tone. Inej knew both Khalid and Aryan had inherited their unique eyes from their partially kaelish mother, her eyes were a sky blue that only reminisced of the wandering isles.

 

Inej may not have been close to Aryan with their difference in age, but she wouldn’t hesitate to call him family, just as much as Khalid.

 

“Aryan, this is Kaz, my avri. Kaz, Aryan.” Inej gestured between them and she didn’t miss them sizing each other up as they shook hands, probably due to the fact that Kaz was coated in blood equally as much as she. Aryan was clearly equally as protective as Khalid when it came to her. Inej wanted to laugh. Aryan was a mountain, but Kaz was a storm that could send a mountain to dust if he wished.

 

Men and their prides.

 

“Pleasure.” Kaz said with a polite nod that Aryan returned.

 

“Does my brother know you left this here?” Aryan’s voice of timber and baritone roots sounded, he gestured with a wrist over his shoulder to the slaver. Right down to business, then. Inej looked past Aryan and saw her handy work swashed in moonlight from the roof hole in the center of the ring. He dangled above the various weights that Aryan used to work his muscles for practice. The slaver did not stir, be would be unconscious for a while yet after the blow Inej had landed to his head on the rooftops of the caravans. Thankfully, the man was thin, and short. Inej had had no trouble dragging his dead weight into the tent or stringing him up.

 

“No. He’s fetching the little ones’ parents. We didn’t have much time to talk after… well after we disposed of the rest of the slaving party.” Inej twisted her hands in front of her. Aryan did not know her story, Aryan had no idea who she was now. Nor had he seen her and Kaz out at the entrance to Aska Vasman, he hadn’t seen what more she was capable of, other than tying up a hostage with a wire.

 

“How? How did you find the girls? Did you get hurt?” Aryan’s eyes had softened now as he looked over her, he hadn’t had time to note just how much blood was on her when she’d first came in the tent with the captive. Inej could tell he wanted answers, especially given that his brother, Khalid, didn’t even know she’d kept a hostage.

 

“It’s a long story and no I’m not hurt. I’ll… I’ll make time to share it with you. But currently, we need to figure out what’s best to do with him, for now.” Inej said slowly. She didn’t want to get into her life story with Aryan right now. She felt Kaz’s hand rest on her lower back, he rubbed a circle through her shirt and she felt her shoulders loosen just slightly.

 

“Alright.” Aryan sighed and he ran a hand through his shoulder length black hair. Inej was grateful for Aryan’s patience, she knew him well enough to know he was loyal above anything else, she’d not made a mistake in trusting Aryan with this secret.

 

“We think it might be best for us to take him at dawn, out to the woods. I need to ask questions of him, like I said before when I dropped him off. It’s part of the long story but I need to know who he works for. I- we- just don’t want anyone to have to witness us questioning a slaver after those girls were taken, the camp has earned peace tonight. Dawn is only a few hours off; do you think we can leave him here until then?” Inej asked with a deep breath. She knew she was giving Aryan the vaguest understanding of the situation, but it was the best she could muster at this point.

 

Her stomach grumbled, she and Kaz had not even eaten more than a bite of dinner before the evening had gone to hell. Her bindings were scratching at her chest where copious amounts of blood that had leaked through her shirt and dried. Inej wanted her and Kaz to interrogate the man when they were at their best. She needed a bath, some food, a kiss. That was it. Maybe an hour or two of sleep, but she knew she and Kaz could both skip rest entirely if necessary. They’d done it for days at a time in Ketterdam. Sleep would not affect their interrogation of the man.

 

“I can stay until dawn. Though I can’t guarantee that Khalid won’t come by, he knows I’m here. So does Rahul. I told them I’d be here, when I had dinner at their caravan earlier tonight. Iyla does, too.” Aryan said with a crack of his neck.

 

Inej knew she’d have to tell Khalid and Rahul, same as her parents, about the captive. She’d just wanted to wait until the nasty business was taken care of, first. Inej also knew Iyla was Aryan’s… avri? Wife? She wasn’t sure if they’d married in the time she’d been gone. She made a note to find out under more pleasant circumstances. For now, she’d have to settle for the secret being kept a close thing.

 

“Thank you, Aryan.” Inej reached out and gripped his hands in a gesture of gratitude, before she explained what to do if the man awoke. Aryan seemed to have no problem with knocking captive out if necessary, now that he knew the man had helped to steal innocent girls’, intent on selling them into slavery. Kaz had also piped in with a suggestion to pressure point him if it was close to dawn, it would be easier for himself and Inej to ruse the captive that way rather than waiting until he woke from a bruised cranium. Aryan had simply nodded. Inej had never been more grateful for the wide reach of her family within Aska Vasman. She’d also told Aryan where their caravan was if he needed them, and she had told him if others did come, to just tell the truth. It was her and Kaz’s secret, not his. They’d face the questions, not Aryan.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Several minutes later, She and Kaz exited the tent and began their walk back toward their own caravan. Kaz had gripped her hand the entire way, she kept her pacing slightly slower than normal. She knew his leg was in a foul mood, based on how much he relied on his cane. She did not speak of it, neither did he. Kaz deserved every bit of his pride after the battles fought tonight.

 

They kept to the shadows as they walked, they’d come to a decision with eyes alone that neither of them wished for unnecessary conversation and explanation with passersby’s through the heart of the camp.

 

As they rounded one of the last bends that led to the path that would take them toward her parents and respectively their own caravan, Inej spied Nani’s wagon. She and Kaz had not been to Nani’s yet, but Inej paused on their walk.

 

Inej had not been able to figure out how Nani knew where they’d be. How Nani knew when they’d be there. It was a thought rolling around her head like a marble on precariously balanced table. Nani’s porch lantern was lit, Inej could also see dim light coming from behind the drawn curtains on the front window. Inej had a thousand memories of this caravan, just like the one she’d grown up in with Mama and Papa.

 

Inej remembered sipping tea on the front steps as Nani tended her orchids, her favorite flower. Nani always had them out front of her caravan in the summer time, all in beautiful pots and vases. Inej had spent many a summer afternoon on those steps, telling Nani whatever her small childish troubles had been.

 

Kaz squeezed her hand in askance as to why they had stopped. Inej turned to him and tipped her chin in a motion to follow her to the caravan across the path. Kaz didn’t know this was Nani’s caravan but he didn’t ask, simply nodded once. Inej assumed he’d deduced whom it belonged to as they walked up the front steps.

 

Inej knocked on the door gently and after a moment, Nani answered.

 

“Inej!” Nani smiled but her eyes widened at the sight of Inej’s blood caked person and Kaz’s equally disheveled and violent appearance.

 

“Nani.” Inej designed her face into a smile for her grandmother. Kaz nodded in greeting and Nani moved away to let them inside but Inej shook her head.

 

“We’re only stopping by. I just… how did you know to tell Khalid and Mama and Papa where we’d be?” Inej asked softly. Inej didn’t even know how Nani found out about the girl’s disappearance from the camp when her caravan was nowhere near where the slaver’s had struck.

 

Nani linked her hands in front of herself and took a deep breath. Inej had never seen Nani look… nervous? Was it because of how Inej looked? She didn’t think so… Nani knew everything. Nani knew her, who she was now. Nani knew who Kaz was, too. No. This was something else troubling her grandmother.

 

Inej flicked her gaze to Kaz beside her on the front porch. His dark eyes were focused on something behind Nani, Inej followed his gaze. On the table inside Nani’s caravan, just over her shoulder, there were tea mugs. Two mugs, navy in color. Inej recognized them from her and Kaz’s caravan. The mugs they’d used to have tea with Nani earlier that afternoon. Inej had left them on the small cabinet top beside the stove. She hadn’t washed them after Nani left, she’d settled in with her book on the Saints instead. They belonged in her and Kaz’s caravan. Why would Nani have retrieved them?...

 

Realization hit Inej like a pile of bricks in the chest.

 

“Nani.” Inej whispered. Kaz’s eyes looked to Inej now, clearly he was confused, he’d noticed the mugs, but he hadn’t put together the full puzzle. Inej had.

 

Nani turned her head high and looked at Inej now, her dark eyes shined defiant in the warm lantern light. She waited for Inej to be the one to voice the words.

 

“You’re a seer. You have the sight.” Inej gasped.

 

Chapter 67: By Living

Summary:

Nani shares the truth to Kaz and Inej.

Notes:

Chapter 67!!!

Hi everyone! Okay, so this chapter was originally going to be combined with the next, but I love Nani as a character so much that I wanted to do her justice. It's something really special, I think, for Kaz as well. And Inej. All of them. Just all of them. I really hope you love it, it was really special to write. I say that all the time but i mean it, ya'll.

Anyways, I hope you don't mind this slower paced chapter with a glimpse into the past of Inej's family. On the horizon, we got interrogation, we got some spice, we got a bunch of things coming so stay tuned! I promise to do my best not to disappoint.

Also, I know Rule of Wolves comes out in a few weeks and I just hope everyone will still be interested in reading my take of the future for our favorite crows. I say this because depending on the book, it may not be canon compliant anymore if Nina reunites with any of the other crows. I just want to keep sharing with you all and I hope you want to read till the end? <3 I'm still hella motivated and want to continue to share this story. Either way, let me know! As all authors are, I'm a fragile human and care what you all think.

PS! I'm so so sorry I haven't gotten back to everyone's comments like i said I would on the last update, I have no excuse other than i fell asleep after uploading and i'm terrible and please forgive me? I'll do my best to respond this evening and in the morning! <333

I'll stop rambling but drop me a comment with your thoughts! I read every single comment even if I don't get back right away, and i love you all to pieces. Let the reading commence!

KAZ

 

            Seer? A suli seer? Fortune teller? Kaz understood now. He’d made a hundred different jokes to Inej that they never existed. He’d snickered even when Inej claimed they were real and the gift was rare. Inej had told him how many suli people had falsified themselves as seers to make money at lavish ravkan court parties, but there was such a thing. A magic unlike that of the grisha and not part of the “small science”. He’d seen their mugs on the table in Nani’s caravan and thought it was odd, but now he understood the weight of their presence. Nani had read the dregs of their tea, the leaves. But… Kaz wasn’t sure. How could someone truly look to the future?

 

            Dirtyhands yelled bullshit.

 

            Rietveld remembered magic.

 

            Brekker decided to see what happened, fact could only deem the claim possible or impossible.

 

            “Yes.” Nani breathed. Kaz thought he saw a visible weight fall off the older woman’s shoulders.

 

A secret, then. Clearly Inej hadn’t known, which was interesting still. Inej had been close to her grandmother for her entire life until she was taken at fourteen; yet even Inej didn’t know Nani was a seer? Plainly, Nani did not use her… talent, to perform as a fortune teller in the shows with carnivals. She did not don the jackal mask and read strangers mugs or make coin off of a promised future. Kaz wondered dimly if Sharya Ghafa knew her mother was able to see the future.

 

Kaz moved closer to Inej in the doorway when he saw her shoulders drop, ever so slightly. Nani took a step toward her granddaughter but Inej backed up, closer to him. Inej rolled her shoulders, a tell. She was bracing to fight. With Nani.

 

“Did you know?” Inej whispered, something was broken in her vocal chords. Kaz looked to her face and he saw her eyes watering. He knew what Inej was asking; had Nani known if Inej was going to be taken by the slavers all those years ago.

 

If Nani had, Kaz would let the woman know exactly what he thought of it. Rage coated his bones, he’d never strike Nani, but he knew how biting words could be. He’d defend his girl until the end of time, Inej wouldn’t be able to stop him from speaking up. From saying every vulgar curse word lining his throat like poison ready to be spit.

 

“Inej,” Nani’s eyes looked wrong, not as sharp as they normally were. Kaz wondered if using her abilities took anything in return for the sight she was granted. That was, if she had the abilities she claimed.

 

“Did. You. Know.” Inej raised a trembling bronze hand in a motion to say ‘answer’.

 

Inej was shaking, whether from rage or heartache, Kaz didn’t know. He’d never seen this in Inej, he’d seen her livid, he’d seen her despairing, he’d seen her anxious. He’d never seen her tremble. His heart shattered in his chest at the sight. He took a step closer to Inej.

 

“Answer her.” Kaz rasped. He kept his tone as neutral as he could, but nothing could stop him from making the demand. Dirtyhands was used to the position of authority, it was not difficult to command an answer.

 

Inej didn’t say another word. Her eyes looked black, narrowed on her grandmother. Nani’s expression could only be described as crestfallen, but Kaz didn’t know exactly what it meant. It was neither a confirmation of Inej’s worst fear nor a denial.

 

A long moment passed and Kaz let his eyes glance between Inej and her grandmother before settling on a true glare in the elder woman’s direction.

 

“No. I didn’t know. If I had, I never would have allowed a hair on your head to come in harm’s way.” Nani’s eyes were watering, her voice quavered. Kaz read the signs. Nani’s expression was tied to guilt, not because she’d known what would happen to Inej, but because she hadn’t. Kaz would be lying if he said he didn’t feel relief. He liked Nani, she knew everything. He hadn’t wanted to become her enemy, but he would have if she’d let Inej suffer when she could have stopped it.

 

Inej didn’t look entirely convinced, but she finally dropped her hand. A shiver danced over her spine; they were still standing in the open doorway and they’d both left their coats on the little girls. Without all the moving and walking, chill was starting to creep in. Kaz wanted to pull Inej in, keep her warm. He would not touch her now, though. He gripped the head of his cane tighter, feet planted but ready to move the second Inej decided she was done with this conversation. Inej took a deep breath from beside him.

 

“Does Mama know? Your own daughter?” Inej voiced, accusation lining each word.

 

“Yes. Your mother and her brother and sister are the only ones who know.” Nani sighed, her brows furrowed in uncomfort.

 

“My father?” Inej questioned.

 

“No, I never told Kahir. I asked your mother not to, either.” Nani whispered, she reached a bangle clad wrist to tighten the tie at the end of her long braid of hair.

 

“Papa doesn’t know? Your own son-in-law? They’ve been together since they were fifteen for saints-sake!” Inej released a near crazed laugh as she ran her hands through her blood tangled hair. It was all dry now. Kaz found himself reaching to lay a hand on her lower back, unsure if it was the right choice to touch her, but he couldn’t stop himself. She tensed before she leaned into his hand just slightly. Kaz hadn’t been wrong to convey his solidarity against this obstacle right alongside her.

 

“No, he doesn’t know. Inej, let me explain. Please.” Nani said now, her voice genuine with askance of her granddaughter.

 

Inej squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath, he felt it under the palm he’d splayed on the small of her spine. She opened her eyes and mumbled something that sounded like “fine”.

 

Nani looked over her granddaughter once and moved to shut the door of the caravan. Kaz stepped away to let her pass and the room felt warmer the moment the draft was blocked out. Kaz hadn’t taken the time to eye their surroundings as they came in, but now he allowed himself a glance. Nani’s caravan was one room with a door. A bathroom closet, he presumed. There were plants, everywhere. Greens and flora of all kinds in various colored planters and glass vases. There was a low bed in the back of the caravan and candles lined each shelf of a bookcase to his left. Cushions were scattered about around the table that held their stolen mugs, a million different shades of crimson and burgundy and violet. It was warm, inviting. Kaz refocused on the task at hand. He had a feeling this explanation was overdue to Inej, he wanted to support her. Especially when it felt as if whatever truth was going to be bared by Nani had the power to either break or mend a fractured piece within Inej.

 

Inej flicked her wrist in gesture for Nani to continue. It was clear Inej did not wish to sit and hear this story. She was poised to leave, still unconvinced of Nani’s innocence. Kaz didn’t blame her. He wasn’t entirely sure where he sat on the matter, either.

 

“I’ve had the gift I presume since birth. I’ve known since I was a little girl. I could… see things. It’s not just sight of the future through reading tea leaves or coffee grounds. I can see everyone’s abha,” Nani paused. Kaz didn’t know that suli word, he must have let his face show the confusion because Nani quickly explained the word: aura. Kaz wanted to scoff.

 

Aura? A shadow of light around a person? Unique to each? Doubtful.

 

“You do not believe me; I saw the shadow of copper. Tainted metal. I don’t blame you.” Nani said in Kaz’s direction and he shrugged. Though he couldn’t help but squint his eyes as he looked down to his own hands on the crows head of his cane. No copper to be seen.

 

“That part of the gift is always present, not something I can do away with. I’ve been able to see abha’s as long as I can remember. But reading, fortune telling, I haven’t done that in years, until tonight. I was trained by another seer starting when I was about thirteen. You see, it skips to every other generation in most families.” Nani said as she busied herself with picking up a glass of something amber that Kaz presumed she’d been drinking before they arrived at her caravan.

 

Inej’s eyes went wide beside him.

 

“I would be the next generation, then. I see no such things.” Inej mumbled as she straightened her blood stained shirt and crossed her arms in front of herself.

 

“I said most families. It skips every other generation in most families. In ours, it’s every third.” Nani said as she leaned against the cabinet by her woodstove.

 

Inej nodded before she paused, seeming to have a realization dawn in her mind. Kaz had the same thought, but he’d never admit it.

 

“So if I were to have children…” Inej trailed off and Nani nodded once.

 

“Well, I doubt that. Continue. Why haven’t you practiced in years? Why don’t you use the sight often?” Inej mumbled but Kaz thought he heard a moment of sadness enter her voice.

 

Did Inej… did she want children? Kaz had never thought of it. He certainly never had a reason to, given what was required to bring a child into creation. He’d barely started to think of the day he and Inej would be able to accomplish that level of physical intimacy. They were closer to that day than ever before, but he still couldn’t fully wrap his mind around how far they’d come. He shook the thoughts from his mind, he knew that both himself and Inej had chosen paths that didn’t allow such novel ideas as a family. He convinced himself that he’d imagined the shake of her voice.

 

“I was trained by my great-grandmother before she passed on. I used the sight frequently, even performed for a while, as a true seer, not one of those desperate coin-seekers,” Nani shook her head. Inej stepped closer to him and Kaz let one of his hands fall to his side, Inej’s hand slipped into his easily. She needed strength, he’d lend it. She needed contact, he’d anchor her.

 

“The sight… It’s useful. Yes. But I learned, over the years, that the gift of sight is not perhaps to be used to glean knowledge in order to change the future, but rather, just to understand it. But you see, we’re all human. You can’t use the sight, know what is coming, both good and terrible, and not wish to save those you love from harm, heartbreak, or hollowness.”  Nani’s eyes drifted to the ground now and Inej squeezed his fingers tight through the leather of his glove.

 

“I used the sight frequently to try and protect, to guide, those I loved as well as the strangers who entered my booth at the carnivals. But I didn’t understand, not really. I learned a hard lesson, little girl.” Nani’s eyes softened as she flicked her gaze to Inej. Kaz saw Inej’s own expression loosen. She was trying her best to listen, to understand. Inej was better than himself, in every way. He still didn’t think he could believe what Nani said.

 

The boy he once was told him to keep listening.

 

“When I was pregnant with your Mama, your Papi began feeling unwell. Your aunt and uncle were still very young, six and four. I was stressed when the medics couldn’t find what was wrong with him when they performed all of their tests. They called it ‘stress’ and told him to take time off from the shows and the wire. Back then, we stayed around Os Kervo, we didn’t travel with the rest of the caravans. That way, he could perform in the stationary shows for the tourists, and I could set up my booth in order to make coin year round.” Nani continued. Inej had told him, on the ship to Ravka one night, that her grandfather had died when Inej’s mother was very young, her Nani had never remarried or loved another. Kaz felt Inej squeeze his hand once again. She did not look over at him, all of her attention was on Nani, begging with her eyes for her grandmother to finish the story.

 

“We hadn’t the money for grisha healers then, so we trusted the medics. Your mother was born and yet Arjun was not feeling any better. There were good days still, but also very bad ones. Ones where he could not so much as get out of bed to play with the children or have dinner with us at the table.” Nani’s eyes looked to them but her gaze was far away, in another time. Kaz couldn’t blame the woman, she was speaking of the man she loved who was long dead. Kaz remembered a look almost identical to Nani’s; the look on the face of his Da when Kaz was a young boy and asked about his dead mother.

 

“I made a decision that would cost me greatly. You see, I’d promised to never use the sight on Arjun when we married, nor on our children or myself. It was a dangerous thing to do, to view one’s own future. My own mentor cautioned me never to do it, I still never have used the sight on myself. Nor had another look into my future. My husband never wanted to know what our future held, and I always respected that choice. Until he was sick, and we had no answers.” Tears streaked down Nani’s face and Inej quirked her head, both in sympathy and question.

 

“I took his tea cup, one night after he went to lay down. I tucked the children to bed. Then I lit the candles, and entered into that space of mind. To see far into the future, it takes much concentration. The sight is a gift from the Saints, but it demands payment. Payment in the form of strength. It’s… It’s like a flame. You light the fire and it flares brightly, but eventually, the logs burn. The light diminishes, then it is embers. You can only warm yourself so long, so many times by that flame until it is used up. Perhaps a well is a better analogy. But you understand,” She paused, taking a deep breath. “I looked forward, and forward again. Six years into his future, I found my worst nightmare. The sickness, no healer nor medic would cure it. It would seep into all his organs, far beyond the scope of even the small science. He would die six years after that night I looked into his tea leaves. I learned that my husband, my avri, my best friend… he would die. There would be nothing I could do. My children would grow without their father, your mama would only have him for six short years of her life…” Nani rubbed her hands over her face and Inej dropped Kaz’s hand to move to her. Inej gently put her hand on Nani’s shoulder and whispered something in suli. Nani managed a small smile before she waved Inej off. There was more truth to be revealed.

 

“That was my mistake. I looked forward so far into the future… and I had a terrible answer. An answer I couldn’t… I couldn’t handle it. My only choice was to live his death, over and over again, every night and day for the next six years. Every smile, every kiss, every laugh with our children was tainted with an hourglass above his head that only I could see. Seconds tipping by in grains of sand I swore I could hear dropping out of my reach. I thought to share it with him, over and over again. When he looked at me at night and told me he was worried about me, when he kissed me good morning and told me it was a good day. I could not relish in those moments. I ruined the last six years with the man I loved because I’d ignored his wishes, because I’d been selfish and naïve and thought I could alter the Saint’s chosen path.” Nani’s voice cracked and Kaz Brekker found himself wanting to comfort yet another human being. Inej had indeed inherited so much of her strength from the woman before them.

 

“I saw his abha change, I saw the colors diminish as the days continued. I saw my children look worried as he grew weaker. I saw the medic’s concerned faces when they couldn’t figure it out. We continued to go to every new medic we could find for opinions. I continued to funnel all the coin we could muster… in hope. In hope I was wrong. I knew I wasn’t. I performed on the wire only, after that night. I didn’t tell Arjun why, I only said I didn’t wish to continue. I never read another person’s fortune or failure. I never looked again with my eyes to the horizon of time. I couldn’t bare it. I couldn’t…” Nani hiccupped and Inej poised to move to her again but Nani held up a hand, mumbling that she had to finish.

 

“I have not used the sight again, until this night, Inej. Khalid… he told me girls were taken. He came here and told me to be on the lookout for any suspicious activity and he told me that he’d sent you both out there after those men and to rescue those little girls. I managed normality in the face of Khalid, but I couldn’t… I had to know we would not lose you again, Inej. I marched down to your caravan on a hope that you’d not rinsed those mugs from earlier. It wasn’t planned. It wasn’t a trick. I never intended to use my gift again, for as long as I lived. But you were out there, both of you, I needed to know that those girls would be safe. That my granddaughter would return. That you would return, Kaz.” Nani looked at both of them now and Kaz hadn’t expected Nani’s words to melt into his chest.

 

Nani had been worried for him, too. Kaz wished he could have told her not to, that these slavers were nothing in comparison to some of the fights he and Inej had seen in their years together, in Ketterdam, in Fjerda.

 

“If… if I hadn’t been so afraid to use my gifts again when you were still here, Inej, maybe I could have prevented those slavers taking you. I could have prevented many things throughout these years, I’m sure. But that… that was the lesson I learned. I’m not meant to alter this world with the sight. I’ve only been given a chance to understand a little more than anyone else. I couldn’t read into what happened after you’d left, obviously. You weren’t here to hand over your coffee cup or tea mug. I wished to, though. I felt so much guilt, Inej. I thought I could have saved you. Saved your parents from locking themselves in their caravan for months after you’d been taken from them. Saved those geraniums your mother let die on their front steps from well-wishers. It wouldn’t have been right though; you understand?” Nani paused once more, choking on the ends of her words. Kaz sensed she wasn’t through, Inej was also silent beside him, but she did nod only once.

 

“It’s like a tapestry… I’m given these threads, threads I can pull on should I wish to, to alter, change, and entangle. But if I do that… then the entire thing becomes unraveled. No longer is the beauty of the grander picture when you step away. You’ve changed it into what you thought was better, but stepping back, you see the entire thing has been ruined. If I’d looked to the future when your mother was young, and I saw Kahir end their relationship, I would have wanted to save your Mama that heartbreak. I would have told her to leave Ravka and not look back, unconscious that I’d torn apart two people who loved each other more than the sun loves the flowers it nurtures into bloom. I’d never have this moment with you, because I’d never have gotten a tenacious and rebellious granddaughter who Captains a warship. If I’d altered your thread, Inej, you may have been spared much pain. You may have been here happy and well this entire time, never knowing what you’d missed.

 

“It wouldn’t have just been your thread, when it came down to it, though. How many times have you saved another’s life, little one? How many times have you saved his? It is unknown whether Kaz would still be alive today.” Nani paused with a gesture of her wrist to Kaz. He already knew the answer.

 

“I wouldn’t be.” Kaz rasped quietly.

 

Nani wouldn’t know just how many ways he meant it. If he’d never met Inej, he may be dead and burned to ash on Reaper’s barge by now, or he’d be dead in other ways. He’d have never fallen in love, learned how to have friends, seen color in Ravka. He would have let Dirtyhands take over permanently by now; all parts of Rietveld would have died off and drowned to the bottom of the Ketterdam harbor next to the bones of his brother. Inej had convinced him to be more, to keep those pieces of himself alive. Without her, Kaz would have been dead, one way or another. Now, he lived. He didn’t live for Inej, no, he lived for himself. He had friends, he had a family, he had the girl. He wanted to live his life as more than violence and twisted parts because it was worth living.

 

Inej grabbed his hand, the motion so quick that Kaz almost laughed, despite the serious conversation. Inej was subconsciously reassuring herself of his presence. Kaz squeezed her hand and she dragged her eyes away from Nani to meet his gaze. Her eyes told him everything.

 

Kaz told Inej he loved her too with a raise of their clasped hands and a brush of his lips to her knuckles. He didn’t care that Nani was waiting.

 

“If I’d pulled your thread, Inej, you wouldn’t be the same young woman you are today. You told me yourself that you like her better, and I do too. I never would have gotten to meet her if you’d been spared from that hardship, from that pleasure house. I meant what I said, Inej. I like who you are now, better. Not because I didn’t love you before, but because now you are who you are supposed to be. Who you were always meant to be.

 

“You never would have found your chosen family. Those you told me about, the boys back in your Ketterdam, the girl who raises the dead, the drüskelle you saw die with honor. You never would have found each other. You may have fallen in love, with someone else, but I don’t know. There was one man for me. I think there’s only one for you, Inej, the one beside you. I only looked tonight to ensure you would both return to us. I am just human, little girl. I was worried.” Nani finished with a deep breath.

 

Kaz didn’t know when throughout Nani’s tale that he’d been convinced of her abilities, but he had been. Kaz believed in the suli fortune teller before him. There was only one girl for him, too. The one beside him.

 

Inej was quiet for a long moment, her expression that of quiet contemplation. Nani had told her much, Kaz knew this was even more to process for Inej than himself. Inej had grown up here, with Nani in her life, none the wiser that the woman was a seer.

 

“How far did you look, for us?” Inej whispered with a glance to their mugs still on Nani’s table. Kaz understood, Inej wanted to know if Nani had looked farther than this evening into his and Inej’s futures. Kaz hoped she did not. He did not wish to know. He didn’t think Inej wanted to know, either, based on the set of her shoulders and the slight twitch of her hand in his.

 

“Only until the moment you walked into my caravan. I’d been waiting for you. I didn’t even glimpse this conversation, though. I will not look further. My gifts have… diminished, these years without practice and tending. It was hard enough to view forward a few hours.” Nani answered easily. Kaz believed her.

 

“I- I understand, Nani. Your secret is safe, with me, with us.” Inej tipped her chin up to her grandmother.

 

“Thank you, both of you.” Nani smiled then, her eyes gaining some of the sharpness that had been missing as she spoke her story.

 

“Yours is safe with me, as well.” Nani added. Kaz quirked his head in confusion. Inej mimicked the same motion beside him.

 

“Your captive. Yes, I saw that.” Nani chuckled at their confusion as she brushed a stray strand of hair from her face.

 

Oh. Well, Kaz supposed she really could see the future. There was no other way Nani could have known about their imprisoned slaver awaiting interrogation. They’d only left him in the practice tent with Aryan half a bell ago.

 

“Oh… well, I’d begin apologizing, but your secret seems a bit bigger than ours, so call it even?” Inej grinned at Nani now. Kaz watched the light return to Inej’s eyes now that she understood.

 

Kaz wanted a shower, then he wanted to kiss Inej, then he wanted to go interrogate that bastard slaver they had waiting for them. Seeing those small girls, even younger than Inej had been when she’d been stolen, had awoken a deep seeded rage within Kaz. He wanted the remaining man of the slaving party to pay for the crimes of all the men who had gotten off easy with death. Kaz had a better understanding of Inej’s chosen path to hunt slavers down, now. He loved her even more for it.

 

“Even, then.” Nani smiled and so did Inej. Kaz let a small grin unfold on his lips as well.

 

“Go, shower. You both look like hell.” Nani chuckled and Inej rolled her eyes but she moved and embraced Nani anyhow.

 

“Nani? Don’t look at our future. I want the surprise.” Inej mumbled into her grandmother’s shoulder. Kaz smiled when he heard it, he felt the same. Both good and bad, he didn’t want to know any of it.

 

“I won’t. I don’t plan on using my sight again.” Nani smiled to both of them with a wish goodnight and Kaz took Inej’s hand as she led them out of Nani’s caravan.

 

Once outside, Inej pulled him into the shadow between two caravans, he’d been surprised but followed her lead.

 

“I want to do this, right now.” Inej whispered, dark eyes shining even in the shadow. Kaz didn’t have a chance to respond. She stood on her tip toes, and she kissed him.

 

Inej kissed Kaz breathless. There was no water, only her. Only her love, her warmth.

 

The future was theirs, Kaz would find out what it held the old fashioned way. By living.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NANI

 

            Nani had looked a tad farther than she let on. There was no need to tell Inej and Kaz, she hadn’t looked for specifics, only asked the saints for a peek. She’d only taken a glance beyond the veil of this evening into the years ahead. She hadn’t seen things like their deaths, nor if they had hardships in their futures. The sight had only gifted her a glimpse of moments. Some when Inej looked older, even more beautiful. An image of Kaz bare handed. She didn’t know why he wore the gloves, she didn’t ask. There had been green, so much green. Sunshine. Shadows, too.

 

            She smiled at how much life there was before her granddaughter and her avri. They’d be surprised. Nani might even train a small fortune teller, someday.

Chapter 68: Dance of Destruction

Summary:

An interrogation. A holy blade. Some steam.

Notes:

Chapter 68!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. YA'LL. I"VE WAITED FOR THIS ONE. Okay, I say it all the time, but I'm a broken record and sorry not sorry. Anyways, I literally poured my soul into this one to make it right and I really really hope you love it. I know it took a few days, but it's also I think the longest update I've ever done so I hope you can forgive me. I literally wrote this twice and re-worked it so if I missed anything in editing, please forgive me. I just needed to get it out there for you guys and share it with you, I couldn't wait anymore. AHHH so excited for you guys to read. <3

Also! Warning, this one does contain spice but you know the drill, if you aren't comfy reading spice, thats okay! Just stop before the warning and you won't miss out on any of the story and that's totally okay! I love you all and always want to be respectful! <333

Drop me a comment with what you think, this is one of those chapters that really stand out to me as far as difficulty writing goes so I'd love to hear what you thought! I read every comment and I promise i'll get back even if it's not right away! I'm going to try and catch up today and I just want you guys to know how much your responses and ideas and critiques fuel me- like all writers. Thank you so so much!

As always, thank you for everything. We crossed 19k hits and I can't even begin to wrap my mind around that. Thank you a million times over, treasures. <3

I'll shut up, let the reading begin!!

KAZ

 

            They’d had time to each shower, eat a bowl of soup that Nani had brought them earlier in the day, then arm themselves again. Kaz wondered if they should have foregone the showers entirely, but he made a promise to himself to keep this interrogation tidy.

 

Sloppy was Kaz’s least favorite method of murder.

 

 Dawn had been less far off than they’d thought. They’d had maybe an hour and a half in the privacy of their caravan, and even then, Inej’s parents had come to check on them once before retiring to bed. They hadn’t told them about the captive, nor their conversation with Nani. Kaz wasn’t exactly tired; pushing days without sleep hardly bothered him anymore. Though his leg protested the many hours without sitting save for when they’d eaten quickly.

 

            Kaz followed Inej silently through the quiet heart of Aska Vasman. It had been a night of terrible excitement, keeping most people in their homes at this early hour; but they kept to the shadows in order to avoid any early risers. He was already descending into the dark pit within his mind, a space reserved only for violent judgement and contemplation. The captive would give Inej her answers. The man would pay for his involvement in the attempted kidnapping of Lina and Cara. Kaz didn’t know why he’d bothered to commit the little suli girls’ names to memory, but he had.

 

 

Lina and Cara were two young siblings that the world tried to beat to hell. It was a story Kaz knew personally, but this time he and Inej had ensured a different ending. A happier one.

 

            They entered the practice tent and relieved a wary and tired Aryan. Apparently the captive had woken only minutes before his and Inej’s arrival, and Aryan had indeed pressure pointed the man back into unconsciousness. Kaz offered Aryan a polite nod as he passed on his way out of the caravan, he’d heard Inej offer her thanks and appreciation in suli. Thankfully, no one had stopped by the tent, Khalid or otherwise. Their secret had been kept, save for a fortune telling grandmother.

 

            Kaz turned away from the flap of the tent after Aryan disappeared outside, Inej was nowhere to be seen. Kaz looked up.

 

Always look up for a missing Wraith. Rule one.

 

            Inej was cutting the man free from the beam which she’d suspended him from. Her movements were quick, precise. Inej wanted this through with, Kaz understood. This was not much different for her than when she’d faced Charles Hester, in a way. This man represented the men who had dragged her from her bed into the light of day, and consequently, into the terrible blackness of her worst nightmares. This man represented all of it to Inej. Especially here on Ravkan soil, close enough to where her own tragedy began.

 

            “We’ll drag him. I don’t care.” Inej mumbled as she dropped silently down from the beam. The man had landed in an unconscious heap on the ground, not even stirring. Kaz nodded his confirmation as he looped a rope he’d found near the tent’s entrance around the man to drag him with.

 

            “Which direction do you want to go from here? The woods nearest or further out and around from the caravans?” Kaz rasped as he tied a knot around the gangly captive’s waist.

 

            “Just out of earshot. I’m going to fill my canteen at the well out back. We’ll wake him with water.” Inej whispered before she disappeared out of the tent’s flaps.

 

            Half a bell later, Kaz and Inej had managed to drag the man to a mostly secluded clearing amongst a grove of pine trees. The nearest caravan was at least a mile away. The man was drenched in snow and mud and had begun to stir as they tied him to a tree in the back of the clearing.

 

            Inej looked at Kaz once as she unscrewed the lid of her canteen.

 

            Her eyes recanted her own version of a revenge motto: “One by one.” So similar to his own.

 

            Kaz let his eyes show his agreement before Inej wasted no time in hurling the entire contents of her canteen at their captive’s face, drenching him in ice cold well water.

 

            “What the fuck!” The man shrieked, his voice nasally and stifled, his accent marked him as kerch born.

 

            “Wake up.” Inej whispered in a tone Kaz would damn near drop to his knees and beg to hear again. Glorious was the melody of vengeance from her delicate lips.

 

            Wicked, wicked Wraith.

 

            They’d left the man’s arms at his sides, his hands were free but his arms bound tight under the rope that wrapped and tied at the back of the tree. His feet and ankles were bound as well though he sat on the ground, he’d been relieved of everything he carried in his pockets.

 

            A prisoner had no need for a knife with a grotesque carving of a woman’s bust as the hilt. Kaz hadn’t shown it to Inej before he’d shoved it in his pocket. She didn’t need to see it, he’d dispose of it with the man’s corpse once this endeavor was over and done with. Kaz also knew from the visit of Inej’s parents to their caravan that they’d need to rid Aska Vasman of the other bodies they’d… acquired, hours earlier. They’d told Inej to ask for Khalid’s help but Inej had refused. Kaz was grateful. They’d either burn or bury the slavers themselves, no need to involve anyone else. Inej had had the same idea. Maybe they’d even borrow a wagon and take the corpses to the coastal cliffs where they’d already dropped a mass grave in offering to the True Sea hours ago.

 

“What do you want? You already cost me everything! I needed that cash, bitch!” The man spat to the ground in front of him, a drop of saliva getting caught in his unruly graying-red beard. The man looked to be mid-40’s, maybe a little older or younger. He was clearly terrible with hygiene as presented by his yellowed mouth and scraggly head of shoulder length hair, balding near the crown of his head. Inej had given him a black eye in their tussle as she captured him. Good. Kaz had already begun assessing, letting Inej rile the man before he would inevitably notice Kaz lurking several paces behind her. Normally, the man would be dead for calling Inej such profanities, but Kaz needed to glean information on how to break his newest subject.

 

The man was left handed, noted by the permanent stain of graphite along his outer left hand. Map-maker for the raiding parties- perhaps.

 

He had a missing pinky, on his right hand. A healed poorly, scarred, nub was all that remained of the digit. A thief then. A poor one at that, if he’d lost a finger. He’d been caught.

 

His skin was sallow yet tan, indicative of life at sea with poor nutrition.

 

The whites of his eyes were egg-yolked. A fan of the drink.

 

His boots were one to two sizes too small based on the swelling near his ankles. Old dusty boots with holes in the toes to reveal threadbare socks. Inej had caught him easily, his poor choice of footwear slowed his running momentum, clearly. Kaz could catch him easily, even foregoing his cane.

 

            Yet, he was not completely broke, this man. Kaz caught the glimpse of a gold inlaid tooth as the man spit. The knife he carried was also of decent craftsmanship, grotesque and in poor taste, but well made.

 

            A man who spends his funds on vices and only vices. Would rather drown his liver than swell his belly.

 

            The man squinted at Inej, the sun had not yet fully risen, so it was not against the light of day. He probably had piss-poor eyesight. Kaz had found a magnifying glass in the man’s pockets. Now it resided in Kaz’s own coat pocket.

 

            “What is your name?” Kaz rasped, effectively joining the conversation. The man startled and squinted to spy him standing behind Inej.

 

            “What’s yours, mate?” The man sneered. Inej took a step to the right, letting Kaz pass.

 

            “Not what I asked. Don’t be coy, it’s a sure way to make me… temperamental. You don’t want that, I assure you, mate.” Kaz’s voice dragged over each word. Inej was walking the perimeter of the clearing on silent feet, taking in her own tells about the captive.

 

            “John. You’re kerch.” The man answered with a sloppy grin.

 

Arrogance even while tied up- the man had less brain cells than the rabbit munching in the woods to Kaz’s left. The creature would get a show with his breakfast, today.

 

“Congratulations, John. You’ve uncovered the obvious.” Kaz stepped forward, gripping the head of his cane tightly, poised to swing whenever the fancy struck him.

 

“Fuck you, whatever your name is-” John stopped his yelping when Inej’s blade struck the tree, less than a centimeter from his right cheek. It pinned strands of his hair to the bark of the pine. Sankta Anastasia quivered in the wood. Kaz hadn’t heard Inej, no one ever did. She was now right behind him, which he’d known.

 

Kaz may not have heard the wraith, but he always felt her.

 

“Shut up. You may yet have a better day if you’ll answer our questions.” Inej’s voice of honey had slowed to molasses made of venom. Kaz ignored the light flutter in his stomach.

 

The man squinted once more before his eyes fell back to Kaz. He seemingly just noticed the cane in Kaz’s hand.

 

“A cripple? Interesting. You going to beat me with that?” John asked as he hacked and spit once more.

 

Disgusting.

 

“I just might, John.” Kaz smirked as he moved his hand to let the Crow’s head show under his glove.

 

The thing was, Kaz had also found a receipt in John’s coat pocket, a receipt for the Vixen’s Garden, the pleasure house Charles Hester used to frequent in Ketterdam. The receipt was from over a month prior, but John here, had certainly been to Ketterdam and had enough time there to begin spending kruge. This was a test for John, a test if he knew who Kaz was.

 

John’s eyes widened, he did a double take of Kaz, then the cane.

 

Excellent. No need for introductions, then.

 

“You’re… you’re Kaz Brekker. From Ketterdam.” John sputtered, his eyes glancing back to Inej. That wouldn’t do.

 

“Eyes over here, John. You look at her one more time and I’ll make sure your hands match in digits.” Kaz smirked with a casual step forward, he let his eyes linger on the stump on John’s right hand before his eyes narrowed in on the left. John shivered. Kaz had struck a delicate nerve. Good.

 

“The gloves. You… I heard rumors. You’re the leader of the Dregs. What is it that Marty said they call you? Fuck.” John whispered. The captive thought he was being coy, his hands searching for his “hidden knife” in the side of his belt, thinking Kaz distracted. Kaz had found that one, too.

 

“Dirtyhands.” Inej answered from behind Kaz and John’s eyes strayed to her once more.

 

Inej speaking his title was truly delicious, in any other circumstance.

 

Kaz clicked his tongue just once in reprimand.

 

“Now, now, John. What did I say about looking to her?” Kaz snarled as he shot a gloved hand out and grasped John’s left hand. Kaz snapped his pinky finger back, shattering all the bones. A skill he’d learned early on in the barrel.

 

The breaking of fingers and toes was almost more effective than shattering, say, a nose. More nerve endings. More uncomfort. Far less blood.

 

Kaz swore he heard Inej snort in amusement.

 

John screamed in agony, sending birds flying from the pine trees surrounding the clearing.

 

The rabbit decided this was not a show worthy of an accompanying meal.

 

“Answer our questions now, John. Who are you employed by? Which routes do you most commonly take between countries? What country do you frequent most for your flesh you intend to sell?” Kaz threw his questions out in quick succession, voice raised against the captive’s constant moaning.

 

Kaz felt rather than saw Inej flinch at his callous tone regarding the human trafficking, but Kaz couldn’t stop, now. He knew Inej understood, he was talking John’s language, not the truth.

 

John kept moaning. Kaz would up the stakes, if necessary. Kaz dropped a blade from up his sleeve and yanked John’s hand back once more, splaying it flat against the bark of the tree, blade poised to start chopping fingers.

 

“Stop! Stop! Okay, okay.” John rattled as he tried to yank his hand back from Kaz’s grip on his wrist. Kaz did not let go, but brought himself down slightly in the man’s face.

 

“You look at her one more time, I’ll make sure you suffer. You answer her questions, now, John. I recommend you do not irritate me more than you have. If you’ve heard of me, I’m sure you know what happens when someone irritates me. They’ll never even find every piece of you, John. Let that be a motivator to move your lips.” Kaz growled, menace and danger coiling around his vocal chords in an embrace of old friendship.

 

John was barely able to nod his head in concession, he looked close to pissing himself. Kaz stepped away, dropping John’s wrist and standing directly in front of him. He gripped both hands over the crow’s head of his cane.

 

Kaz didn’t know exactly why he felt… overly protective of Inej currently. But he did. Perhaps it was what the man represented, what John and men like him had done to girls like Inej. Like Lina and Cara. Like countless other nameless boys and girls alike. Inej could protect herself, Inej was the most dangerous person Kaz knew, but Kaz wanted her nowhere near this asshole any more than she already had been. Inej had also not stopped Kaz from stepping in and taking this interrogation’s reins.

 

Inej was behind him, closer to the trees, watching like a hawk, listening intently. Inej seemed content enough to let Kaz dirty his hands just a little more. Kaz was perfectly amiable to this arrangement. He did not turn to look at Inej, John needed to know he had Dirtyhands’ full attention.

 

Ten seconds and John would lose the finger if he did not start talking.

 

“I’ve only been working in the trade the past two years, before that I was in the Cage for some minor misunderstandings,” John began. Kaz knew of “the cage”, a ravkan prison near the coast up by the Ravkan city of Udova. Kaz had met several men and women in Ketterdam who claimed time served in the notorious isolation jail. It was almost as notorious as Hellgate, but from what Kaz could glean, less brutal physically. More trying mentally with one hundred percent isolation.

 

“I’m low down, but my direct boss is in Os Kervo, he’s not from Kerch, that much I know. Afraid I don’t have a name to give you, my captain mainly deals with him. We only report where we are targeting for product and he relays where we make the drop for the purchasers.” John stumbled over his words, trying to keep his voice from shaking and failing spectacularly. Kaz quirked his head in a predatory way. John swallowed before he continued.

 

“We mainly go between Ravka, Noyvi Zem and Kerch. Kerch for most drop-offs. The rest for… pick-ups. We get paid in either Ravka or Kerch, too. Mostly Ketterdam and Os Kervo.” John shuddered when Kaz scoffed. Inej moved forward, John turned his eyes to the ground.

 

Good, captive. Now keep talking.

 

“Where would your boss be found in Os Kervo?” Inej asked as she stepped up right beside Kaz. John shivered under her presence.

 

“Mainly near the docks, Captain always meets him in a sailor tavern called ‘Lady’s Skirts and Spirits’. I know he’s about your height, broad in shoulder. I think he might be Ravkan, but I only heard him talk a few times. Accent isn’t kerch, though. His face is always hooded.” John answered as he twisted uncomfortably in his bindings.

 

Kaz’s height wasn’t much to go off. He was tall, but it would be better if the man was short like Inej or towering like Jesper, more distinctive.

 

“Don’t know if he’ll be there now, though. Captain already met with him before we pulled out to sea, we rode skiffs in here to grab the merchandise.” John’s voice trembled, a bead of sweat ran down his sickly skin on his forehead.

 

“Not your concern, John. Let us worry about that. We’re generous. We’ll take that weight off your shoulders. I know you must have some sort of name, something the Captain tells the barkeep, a phrase perhaps, in order to get the man to come meet him in the tavern. What’s that password, John?” Kaz mused as he took a step forward once more. Inej hung back.

 

“’Smooth Waters for sailing to Kerch.’ That’s the phrase you gotta tell the girl at the bar in the cavern. Captain always works it into casual conversation. Girl disappears before she slides you a napkin with a key to one of the rooms above the tavern, it’s an inn too. Well, an inn of sorts. You meet ‘em upstairs” John shrunk back from Kaz but a grin unfolded on his mouth.

 

‘Lady Skirts and Spirits’. Of course it was a tavern as well as a brothel.

 

John was truly idiotic. Kaz had gathered it was both based on the title of the tavern alone. Fucking asshole. Grinning like he’d live to see it again.

 

“Very good, John.” Kaz cooed with a nudge of the end of his cane into the captive’s boot.

 

“Any more questions, Wraith?” Kaz asked without taking his eyes off John. John’s eyes widened once more.

 

Clearly, Inej’s title was equally as far reaching, whether it be because of her ship’s name or her spying. Pride filled Kaz’s chest cavity as he watched the captive wiggle his toes, trying to move his foot away from the cane.

 

“You’re the Captain of that fucking ship. The one with the black sails. They said a suli woman commanded it, I didn’t believe them. Do you know how many men have a bounty on your head, bitch?” John croaked, his shit-brown eyes narrowed on Inej.

 

Poor choice in looking up, mate. Poor choice in words. Poor choice breathing.

 

            Kaz’s cane swung in a perfect arch, right into the foot he’d just nudged. Bone splintered beneath the weight of the crow’s skull of steel.

 

            If Kaz had a favorite song, maybe this would be it. Fractured verses, shattered bone.

 

            John howled in pain, only the audience was silent for his performance.

 

            Inej stepped forward once John was simply panting in pain from both of his injuries. A whimper escaped his chapped lips.

 

            “Where were you to bring the girls you acquired from this raid? What was the heading?” Inej whispered. John shook his head viciously from side to side. Inej had none of that.

 

            Inej stepped onto the man’s broken foot, putting all of her weight onto him. She lifted her other foot from the ground, balancing on nothing but broken bone, a Devil-blessed ballerina of death.

 

            Kaz would worship her for the rest of his life. Inej was all beauty; bold, deadly, and fearless. Sankta assassin.

 

            “Ketterdam! Mistresses, two of them! They were going to examine them to purchase! Captain said one of them had been looking for a suli girl for her house specifically! Don’t kill me!” John shrieked. Inej was satisfied based on her nod, they knew which mistress that was. Tante Heleen. Kaz was poised to move forward but Inej did not remove herself from the man’s shattered foot. Instead, she extended a hand behind herself to Kaz.

 

            “His knife. I know you have it. I saw it last night when he tried to strike me.” Inej said, her voice like metal fresh from the forge, doused in cold water. A weapon cooled and ready for battle.

 

            Of course Inej had found it. Inej had just not bothered to remove it. She’d left it for a reason. Kaz should have known. Inej matched him step for step in this dance of destruction.

 

            Kaz fished the blade from his pocket and laid it hilt first in Inej’s hand. Inej grasped the handle with unwavering confidence.

 

            Kaz watched as Inej maneuvered herself with perfect grace to kneel on John’s limb. He bellowed, sweat pouring down his face from pain. Inej toyed with the blade in her hand, eyeing the woman on the hilt. Then, she leaned forward.

 

            “You underestimate women, John. Yes, I’m the Captain you speak of.” Inej paused. Kaz moved silently, taking a step closer to hear her voice. Inej was whispering as she sliced the first button off of the captive’s tunic with his own blade. John twitched when the button went flying.

 

            “I love women, I- women are great. I love many of them. Wonderful things, women are! I got that blade cause I love ‘em!” John was graveling.

 

            “Oh, John. If only women loved you, too.” Inej purred, another button went flying. The top of John’s chest was now revealed.

 

            Kaz wondered if he should fall to his knees now or beg Inej later to love him for eternity. Nothing in this world compared to Inej bestowing justice. Nothing. Not kruge, not revenge, not even magic.

 

            Inej was the magic. He’d never stop lying in bed and wondering how she had come to be beside him. Just like the coin, Inej was the secret he’d spend the rest of his life trying to figure out.

 

            “They do! Swear it! Mercy! I’ll find a new way to scrub up cash!” John shrank back, panting when Inej angled her knees deeper into his foot.

 

            “Let you remember then, John, that Captain Inej Ghafa sent you into the next world with the pointy-end of a woman’s love.” Inej whispered, John’s own blade faced toward his rapid beating heart. Realization registered on John’s face when he looked between himself and Inej, the woman’s bust blade was going to kill him. The tip of the knife already drawing a drop of crimson.

 

            Inej had known how their captive was going to die the entire time, it was why she’d left the blade. For this very moment. His wraith, so wonderfully violent.

 

            John didn’t have a chance to respond as Inej threw her weight into the blade, sinking it to the hilt in his chest cavity, right through the soft tissue between his ribs to puncture his heart.

 

Only the woman’s likeness on the hilt remained visible, looking up to her previous master’s eyes as the light within them died, marveling at the majesty of her new wielder. Captain Inej Ghafa.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

INEJ

 

            “Saints forgive me.” Inej murmured only once, though she felt no real remorse for this murder. John deserved it. All these bastards who hunted children deserved it.

 

            Inej stood from John’s corpse and turned her head to find Kaz staring at her unabashedly.

 

            “I needed to take that one.” Inej shrugged in reference to the corpse behind her as she adjusted her shirt where it had ridden up slightly.

 

            “I…” Kaz’s jaw clicked shut. His eyes were burning into her, flames alight in his irises.

 

            “What is it?” Inej asked as she sauntered forward. Kaz’s eyes followed her movements. It was her turn to be the predator, she’d picked a violent sort of prey indeed. She already knew why Kaz’s eyes burned. He looked ravenous.

 

Inej felt confident, dangerous. High off the victory well-earned. John would never hurt another innocent girl or boy.

 

            “I want to clean this up, along with the others and then I’d like very much to ignore everyone else for the next few hours. I want you. Alone.” Kaz’s eyes appraised her footsteps as she moved closer. His salt rock rasp was deep and unwavering; wings beat a furious tattoo in her stomach.

 

Kaz had admitted much more than she expected, Inej had felt it, too. Since his birthday they had not had time to be more… intimate with one another. Inej had craved him, too. Even if they couldn’t do what normal couples were able to…. They still had a piece of that life now. The Saints had shown mercy on her and the man she loved. Now that they could be closer to each other, Inej craved his touch more than ever. She burned for him, too.

 

“Oh, do we have business to attend, Mr. Brekker?” Inej purred as she leaned gently against the pine tree beside her, letting her hip support her. They were perhaps five paces apart.

 

She didn’t know why she was riling Kaz, but oh how she enjoyed the reaction she received.

 

Kaz’s eyes narrowed on her once, his hand gripped his cane tighter. Not to support himself, but rather to restrain himself. His eyes raked over her body leisurely, lazily, before latching back on her eyes.

 

“Yes. We do, Captain.” Kaz’s lips pulled into a devilish smirk that sent her heart off on a race against the distance between them. Inej did not let her reaction show, but a shiver danced down her spine.

 

A game, then. She could play as hard to get as Dirtyhands, he’d found himself a worthy opponent. Play ball, Brekker.

 

            “Very well.” Inej smirked when he took a step forward but she was already moving toward John’s corpse. A last minute search of his pockets turned up nothing else, he was ready to be disposed of. She yanked the blade from his chest.

 

            It was created to be something crude. A view of women by a distorted, disgusting, man. Inej would change the narrative.

 

            “Hello, Sankta Margaretha.” Inej whispered as she wiped the blood clean from the blade with John’s tunic; it’s balance was perfect in her fingers, excellently made.

 

            “Which is that Saint?” Kaz questioned from somewhere behind her.

 

            “The Patron saint of Thieves and Lost Children. She took her vengeance for those girls, today.” Inej answered. Margaretha was also from Ketterdam, or so it was told. It was a testament to Kaz being beside her today.

 

            Today, Kaz Brekker reminded Inej of a Saint. Margaretha’s living counterpart. A thief, utterly without conscious, and a savior of the innocent.

 

            “She was from Ketterdam.” Inej said softly. She heard Kaz’s breath hitch ever so slightly from over her shoulder, but he did not respond. She hadn’t gotten to Margaretha’s part of the book, but she’d tell Kaz about her, yet.

 

            “Where will she reside?” Kaz asked, she heard him walk around the other side of the pine tree to untie the corpse.

 

            “My calf. I already have a sheath for her, back on my ship. I was waiting until I found the right blade to assist my path. The right Saint. Now here she is.” Inej smiled to herself as she stuck her new blade into her belt, a temporary spot for now.

 

            Thank you, Sankta Margaretha.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            It had taken over two bells, but she and Kaz had loaded each of the corpses into her Uncle Rajesh’s ware wagon (free of silks), and borrowed a horse to tow the scum through the path in the woods to the cliffs where they’d disposed of the rest of the raiding party. They’d rolled them off with ease and wiped their hands of it. Not even staying to hear the crash of waves in the cloudy morning light.

 

            Thankfully, Uncle Rajesh had been informed as to why they’d need the wagon by Papa, and he’d been more than happy to help Inej hitch the horse up to the front. Granted, he didn’t know they’d be adding one more body this morning. Inej knew her uncle had questions as he’d not seen what happened, nor had she been able to visit with him since their first night in Ravka, but he’d thankfully not pried, for now.

 

 Over all, Aska Vasman was unmarked by the violence of the night before. Save for the little girls who would surely have nightmares, but Inej couldn’t let herself think of them, now. They’d been through so much, but at least last night would be the end of their nightmare. They would not endure what Inej had. That thought alone brought Inej an overwhelming sense of peace.

           

            Only once they’d returned the ware wagon near her uncle’s caravan and tied the horse back in her place did Inej finally break the easy silence that had fallen over herself and Kaz these past two hours while they… cleaned up.

 

            “Home?” Inej whispered as Kaz leaned against the fence where they’d just deposited the horse. She knew Kaz understood what she meant. Their caravan. Alone.

 

            “Waiting on you, Darling.” Kaz smirked when her cheeks reddened but he held out his hand for her nonetheless.

 

            As they walked, she squeezed Kaz’s hand if she spied someone else walking close to their path and he redirected them. Inej was tired, at least mentally. She did not have the energy for conversation, with anyone right now.

 

She’d tell her parents of their captive later, talk to Khalid and Rahul. Visit Uncle Rajesh. Everyone else. Now, she wanted Kaz. She wanted only him and to lock their door for a few saints-blessed hours of solitude. Some sleep. Some things that did not involve sleep whatsoever. Kaz had drowned yesterday, they had shared only one kiss outside of Nani’s caravan, and after tonight, Inej wanted him close. She wanted more. It was a desperate sort of thing.

 

            Finally, they made it back to their caravan. Kaz unlocked the door and Inej took a deep breath the moment she entered their space. Unlike earlier, she had no need to rush to leave again. This time, they could relish in the privacy, in each other.

 

            Thank you Saints, for watching over us tonight. For letting us rescue those girls and carry out justice to those who wished to harm them.

 

            The morning sun was beginning to peek through the window and Inej moved and pulled the curtains shut. They would be sleeping at some point and Inej also wanted anyone who passed by to get the message: She and Kaz did not wish to be disturbed. Inej heard Kaz bolt the door shut behind her and she wanted nothing more than to ravish him.

 

Inej had never thought she’d feel this way again about another person, but she did. She craved Kaz’s touch, his strength, his voice. She just craved him. Maybe a link on her demon’s chains had broken when she’d felled those slavers. When she’d rescued those girls with Kaz by her side.

 

It felt like a step forward. Soon, she’d toe the line of freedom from the past. She had perfect balance, a fine line didn’t scare Inej Ghafa.

 

********** Warning! Spice ahead! Don’t worry, you don’t have to read it! You can stop here and you’ve finished the chapter! You won’t miss out on the story, either! **********

 

 

KAZ

 

            Dark tousled waves swirled down Inej’s figure in the mirror above the sink basin. Kaz was in the middle of untying his boots on the edge of the bed when he’d looked up and seen her, just minding her business, unaware of his eyes on her.

 

It had hit him in the chest like a gunshot, just how lucky he was to be here. To be in this caravan with her, to fight alongside her. It came out of nowhere and reignited his veins the way they’d been set on fire in the clearing after watching Inej bestow her personal brand of a violent death.

 

 He couldn’t seem to drag his eyes away even as he finished removing his shoes. Inej caught him looking but she said nothing as she turned and removed each of her blades, lining them up on the trunk next to his discarded gloves, pistol, and brass knuckles. Her lips quirked in a delicate smile as she laid her new blade down as well.

 

Kaz hadn’t expected her to want the blade, but she seemed happy, and Kaz was happy for her. Better for the blade to be wielded by her on her pursuit of retributive justice. The Wraith’s personal armory had grown for the first time in a long while.

 

“I see you looking.” Inej looked at him over her shoulder. He’d indeed been staring. His tie halfway untied on his neck. He slipped it off and tossed it to the trunk beside her.

 

“I am. There’s a lot to look at.” Kaz rasped as he stood and hung his blazer on a hanger, turning his back to Inej.

 

“On the contrary, now there’s a lot to look at.” Something hit Kaz square in the shoulder blades from behind, fabric. Kaz turned slowly and saw Inej’s shirt on the ground. His eyes took their time in moving upward to Inej. She was smirking and clearly proud of herself.

 

She would be correct, now she was bare from the waist up, save for the gauze like fabric of her bindings wrapped tightly around her chest. Kaz would whimper if his pride allowed such an act, but he was Kaz Brekker and alas, it did not.

 

Inej moved her arm behind her, poised to remove her bindings. Her eyes shining with unrestrained desire.

 

“I can help you.” Kaz said the words before he’d even thought of it.

 

Kaz froze. Only they knew the weight of that simple sentence. It had been a long time since he’d last spoken the words, since she had, either. He didn’t know… he didn’t know if he’d overstepped. If Inej would want him to touch her there yet, without the barrier of a shirt. Kaz wouldn’t touch her skin if she asked him not to. He thought… he felt brave. He felt like he could touch her, with his hands alone. He wasn’t ready to try anything further, but this, he felt like he could do this without drowning. His hands had touched her legs, her back. Her face, her neck. His hands were beginning to be able to explore, if Inej wanted that. If not, he would wait until she was ready. Always.

 

Inej’s eyes did not dim, a soft smile bloomed on her lips. She nodded once before she moved her hair over her shoulder to her front and turned around to display her back to him. Kaz swallowed once before he crossed the space to her and brought his hands up to the small clasp on the wraps.

 

He wanted to taste her bronze shoulder blades, leave a trail of kisses down her spine. He noticed Inej had back dimples, right at her tail bone above the waist band of her leggings. Something he hadn’t noticed before. He’d like to explore those, too.

 

Kaz unraveled her bindings with her back to him, she let them fall to the ground. He didn’t know if she’d turn around, but he hoped so.

 

He was a man in love, a man only beginning to be able to experience this physical side of their relationship. A man touch-starved for her, behind the bars of his flesh made dungeon.

 

Inej turned around to face him, flipping her hair back over her shoulder. There was less than a foot of space between them and Kaz could not stop his eyes from tracing downward.

 

Her dark nipples hardened in the chill of the caravan, only then did Kaz realize they had not yet lit the stove. He knew his eyes must have widened at the sight of her naked from the waist up, for the second time ever. His fingers twitched at his side, he wanted to touch her. He wanted to touch her more than anything else in the world.

 

“You can… you can touch me, if you want.” Inej’s eyes searched his when he met her gaze. She did not seem afraid, she looked hopeful. Kaz was, too.

 

Kaz brought his arms up around her waist, fingers splayed at the small of her back, pulling her closer. He wanted to kiss her, first. Their eyes stayed locked until his lips brushed hers, a gentle kiss that deepened as his hands moved over her sides. He traced the muscles of her sides without barriers for the first time. One hand moved up her front as she nibbled his bottom lip in question.

 

His fingers traced over her breast, skin to skin. Inej gasped into their kiss when he gently squeezed.

 

Through her shirt had been wonderful, but touching Inej without a barrier, was infinitely better. Her skin was warm and smooth under his hand and he couldn’t help the groan she elicited from him when her tongue traced his bottom lip in tandem with his first pinch of her nipple. He brought his other hand up from her waist and gave her other breast equal attention. Inej moaned softly the moment both her breasts were attended to.

 

How had he gotten here? Her body… he wanted all of her. This was more than he ever could have dreamed of. Inej here with him, Inej partially undressed and his hands exploring her chest was… there were no words. His pants had tightened almost painfully in the wake of his movements.

 

“Kaz,” Inej pulled away and Kaz slid his hands back to her waist before he forced his eyes open, tamping down the want. Tamping down other things, for now.

 

“Hmm?” Kaz hummed contentedly, her eyes showed no shadows. Only as much want as he himself felt.

 

“I want… I want to continue this, but I’m freezing.” Inej smiled shyly with a chuckle and Kaz couldn’t help his own laugh from escaping.

 

Of course she was. She was half naked and he was fully clothed. They hadn’t lit a fire.

 

Kaz dropped a kiss to her forehead before he dropped his hands from her bare waist.

 

Inej told him she was going to go change and Kaz ignored the throbbing in his lower regions as he built a fire in the woodstove. He hadn’t missed Inej thieving his sweater once more from the clothing rack.

 

Devious thing that she was.

 

Once the fire was burning, Kaz lit the lanterns on either side of their bed and changed clothes himself. He donned a long sleeve black t-shirt and sleep trousers that were much more… breathable for his at attention body. Kaz sat on the edge of the bed and laid back, running his hands through his hair.

 

He didn’t know what Inej meant by continuing, but he found he was no longer afraid to find out what these moments held between himself and Inej. Every moment like the one they’d just shared was a victory eternal. Something sacred. A classic “fuck you” to their demons. He just needed her closer. Inej was all he could think about right now, thank her saints he’d fallen into this form far, far, away from Ketterdam and all his reputation and responsibility.

 

Right now, he was just a man in love with the girl on the other side of the bathroom door and eager to kiss her again.

 

Moments later, Inej reappeared wearing his sweater,  bronze legs on full display.

 

Fuck. Her legs. Every single fucking time.

 

Inej sat beside him on the bed, he felt her eyes on him from his laying down position. He turned his head back to her and saw her eyes raking over his own body.

 

“Something interest you, Wraith?” Kaz quipped softly.

 

“All of you.” Inej answered in a whisper so honest that Kaz couldn’t help but sit up to her.

 

“Kiss me.” Kaz didn’t hide the note of pleading that entered his voice. Inej had demanded the same of him on more than one occasion, it was his turn to tell her what he so desperately craved.

 

Inej smiled before she moved a hand slowly around the back of his neck and pulled him to her. Her lips met his softly, gently. She did not break their kiss as she pulled him back down to the bed with her, they laid on their sides, facing each other, tasting each other.

 

His hands roamed over her shirt lightly, he pulled away once to see her eyes but she pulled him back to her with needy hands. His chuckle was met with a smile of Inej’s own into their kiss.

 

 One of her hands began roaming over his chest, gripping at his shirt lightly when he brought his own hand back to her breast through her sweater, he couldn’t stop touching her. It felt like a kettle had been boiling these past few days when they hadn’t been this close again, and now the steam needed to be released.

 

Now that they had a physical relationship and could let off that steam, Kaz couldn’t stop craving her. Wanting her. Just as much as he wanted her mind, heart and soul, Kaz wanted Inej’s body.

 

Kaz wanted… he wanted to try something. He’d been able to touch Inej through clothing without drowning in every circumstance. Trouble presented itself with skin. Kaz wondered if he could touch Inej everywhere, through clothing.

 

Inej had moved her lips to his neck and their bodies had moved closer together at their own volition. Kaz trailed his hand down the outside of her sweater to her waist, not daring to lift the hem without her permission. Inej’s demons worked in different ways than his own, he had no idea if Inej was ready to consider this step, even with barriers firmly in place.

 

“Inej.” Inej pulled away from his neck to look at him, he saw her eyes search the same way he always looked for her lurking shadows. Thankfully, there was no water. No demons shouting his name now.

 

“Yes?” Inej whispered as she moved a hand to brush a strand of his hair back on his head. He almost lost concentration from that one small movement alone, her eyes were glittering in elation.

 

He had a question. Right. Keep it together.

 

“Can I… can I touch you? Over… over the cloth.” Kaz rasped, tumbling over the forward request, his inexperience shining straight through his normal confidence. He couldn’t be bothered to care. He knew what he wanted and he would not dare to move his hand lower on Inej’s body until he knew she wanted to try. Inej’s eyes widened, but he could read only surprise, no fear.

 

“Bold of you to assume I wore underwear to bed with you, Kaz.” Inej whispered with a devious grin. Kaz was sure his face showed his surprise as his hand moved farther back up her body, safely clad by the sweater. Inej was set off in a fit of giggles.

 

She’d lied. Inej Ghafa, tricked Kaz Brekker. While in bed, no less.

 

“I’m sorry.” Inej nuzzled into his neck when he frowned at her amusement. His eyes, he knew, had betrayed him, though. He couldn’t help the smile that graced his lips.

 

“I want you to touch me, Kaz. I… I will tell you if it’s too much.” Inej whispered up to him in earnest. Her lips found the spot on his neck that sent whispers of warmth through his blood stream and raised goosebumps on his arms.

 

Kaz gently nudged her to lay on her back as he trailed kisses down her throat, propping himself up on one elbow. His fingers trailed patterns down her chest through the thin sweater, his lips earned him a moan as they found the juncture between her neck and shoulder. He moved the hem of the sweater up her body with trickster hands to just above the line of her underthings. He let his eyes look down once as Inej continued her ministrations on his neck, thin black cotton covered her center and Kaz’s own body throbbed with desire as he remembered exactly what lay beneath the fabric.

 

Kaz captured Inej’s lips with his own as his hand slid over the front of her underwear for the first time.

 

Heat. Warmth radiated off her center like a furnace. Kaz thought he could lose it himself from this alone when he felt her folds through the fabric under his fingertips. Fuck. There was a small damp spot lower down, the wet fabric did not bother him, but Kaz was still trying to figure out how he’d be able to touch her bare when… when she was aroused and her flesh would be slick. A problem for the future, Brekker. His body didn’t understand his mind’s concern based on the fact that his length strained against the fabric of his sleep trousers.

 

Inej moaned his name from beneath him when he let his finger find the bundle of nerves at the apex of her thighs. He’d never dreamed he’d have Inej moaning and writhing beneath him, but here he was. Somehow. Thank her fucking Saints.

 

Kaz was suddenly very grateful that he’s seen Inej touch herself before he ever tried to. He knew how she swirled her finger in circular motions, how this spot made her moan his name louder than he’d ever heard. He tested the pressure and watched her every movement, like picking a lock. The tumblers clicked into place when her eyes fluttered open in surprise, a gasp broke free from her lips.

 

Kaz smiled as he leaned back down and traced her jawline with his lips, continuing his work on her core. Inej’s hips bucked when he let a single finger slide down and tease her entrance through her underwear.

 

Soon, he reminded himself. Soon he’d be able to do everything she’d done to herself. Soon he’d let a digit slide into her, then, he’d find out what she tasted like. He wanted to know, he wanted and he wanted and he wanted.

 

“I want to touch you, too.” Inej said through a moan against the skin on his throat. Kaz’s body reacted immediately, pressure building tight as a bowstring low in his abdomen. He wanted her to touch him, he also didn’t expect it. He’d wanted to do this for himself, for Inej. He didn’t expect the same in return. But if Inej wanted to, he wouldn’t hesitate. Over the clothes, they were safe. He desperately wanted to know what her hand felt like on his own body. Kaz pulled away just slightly, keeping his finger moving in lazy circles on her center.

 

“If you want to. I don’t want you to feel… fuck.” Inej’s hand had already lowered over the front of his clothes, a single finger tracing the outline of his length through his pants, teasing him. She smirked when his own hips thrusted toward her hand in retaliation.

 

Inej smirking and teasing his cock was going to kill him. How many times had he dreamed of anything like this? Of just fucking laying in a bed beside her? How had he gotten here? It was the question he couldn’t seem to find an answer to. He was the luckiest bastard the world had ever seen.

 

The marble made devil in bed with a bronze-kissed goddess. He loved her, he loved every single thing about her.

 

“I want to, Kaz. I want us to do all of this, together. Just like the rest of life.” Inej whispered and their gazes locked as Inej palmed him through his pants.

 

Apparently, his pride did allow for whimpering when all was said and done. Inej’s hand on his length, even through clothing, was heaven. He’d made it to paradise, after all. No lock-picking required.

 

“I love you, I love you, Kaz. I love you and every single part of you, inside and out. I don’t care if you believe me.” Inej breathed as her hand stroked him and he upped the speed of the gentle circles to her core.

 

His heart roared in his chest, pulse drumming in his ears. Their eyes met once more and Kaz saw only truth in her deep eyes. Eyes he wanted to dive into; first thing every morning, and last thing every night.

 

“I love you, mera nadra.” Kaz whispered as he crashed his lips against hers, barely keeping himself propped up on his elbow. Her free hand made its way to his hair and she gripped lightly and pulled every time he changed the rhythm of his fingers working on her.

 

Inej was working him perfectly through the clothes and he refused to finish first, he wanted to hear Inej, feel Inej, release.

 

He sped up his movements once more, Inej met him in pace on his cock and he felt release barreling toward him harder and faster than ever before. Inej gripped his hair tightly and she had to break from his lips as she fell over the edge. He felt it, he felt her muscles contract even though his hand was only on that bundle of nerves. Her legs trembled and she moaned his name in a breathless, shattered whisper. Never once stopping her hand on him. He would find out what it felt like to be inside her when she released, someday.

 

The sight of Inej falling only sent him flying after her. Her hand stroked him through every pulse of his release, he burrowed his head into the crook of her neck, gasping her name over and over.

 

It was everything. He thought he’d been shattered by Inej before, but he was wrong. Kaz Brekker was in pieces in the hands of Inej Ghafa. He saw stars behind his eyelids and felt near collapse as he returned to his body.

 

Inej pulled her hand away only once he lifted his head to meet her eyes.

 

Inej’s eyes shined with such intense happiness that Kaz wondered if the Saints had spared some starlight just for her creation.  

 

They didn’t need words. Their eyes relayed everything.

 

It was like they’d fallen in love all over again. Kaz already knew he’d fall again. Every day.

 

Chapter 69: Copper

Summary:

A conversation, a question.

Notes:

Chapter 69!!!

Hi guys!!! long time no update! I'm sorry for my hiatus, I've been sick with a cold and it completely knocked me down. I've had to take a step back from writing and editing, but I'm back now! <33 Forgive me and my late responses etc. But I'm truly getting back into the swing of things, now.

Anyways, I hope you guys love this one! Its a slower pace and a moment of peace after so much action (innuendo intended). It's also going to tell you guys what a part of the next "season" holds for this story! I'm so. so. excited!!! I know this is a hella long story, but I started this fic with the intention of showing their lives, the progression, the moments. Yes, we have an over arching story here as well, but I just hope you guys want to keep reading! There's a lot left to experience before we're done. <3 I digress, hope you all love this one! I absolutely loved writing it, honestly.

ALSO. THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH. We hit 20k hits while I've been gone and that's just... what? Like I can't even believe that. I truly can't explain it. You guys are the absolute best and I can't tell you how much every single comment, hit, kudos and bit of support means to me. It's the greatest treasure. I love each of you, thank you for helping me fall back in love with the writing I want to dedicate my life to. Someday, I hope to get to share my own novel with you all, it's in the works now and being queried and I can't even tell you guys how much writing DWOD has inspired me and uplifted me. It's all cause of you guys and the support and talks I get to have with you all.

I'll shut up now, but just know that I'm grateful. <3

Drop me a comment with your thoughts! I'd love to hear if you're excited or what you're feeling about what is to come!

KAZ

 

            “What are you thinking about?” Inej mumbled against his chest, she’d been swirling patterns over his shirt on his abdomen. They’d just awoken, some three bells after they’d finally decided to nap. After repeating the events of that morning… twice. Kaz’s body felt loose, contented, rested. Inej was beside him, in his arms. The caravan was warm and comfortable despite the fact that the stove had dwindled to embers while they slept. He presumed it was the sun that was shining down on their wagon outside, a change of pace from the snow storms of the past few days. Kaz suspected it was around three or four bells in the afternoon, now. They’d slept in shorter stretches off and on throughout the day, in between kisses and touches and the most intimacy they’d ever been able to share.

 

            Kaz was happy. He was happy with his life, and he couldn’t believe he hadn’t recognized the truth of the warmth in his chest earlier. He’d known he was happy with Inej, but today, as he held her in his arms and gazed at the wood ceiling of one of their many homes, he realized how much his life had changed since the Ice Court. He had friends, the girl he loved, a family.

 

            Kaz had found home somewhere between Lij and the Barrel and Ravka. He’d found home in a merchers mansion while a ginger boy played piano and his living brother sang dirty sea shanties. He’d found home in the attic of Ketterdam’s crooked skyline that served as an acrobat’s stage, the stars and moon her faithful spotlights. He’d found home in a caravan of dark wood that served as witness to the barriers crossed between him, a man of the ground, and her, the girl of the sky.

 

            He’d found home in the fall. Inej had tried to teach him how to fall, and she succeeded.

 

            “Everything.” Kaz answered, his voice still hoarse from sleep. He hadn’t a better answer. It was the truth, the truth as bare as he could make it for her.

 

            Inej propped herself on an elbow beside him to look at his face, he turned his eyes from the ceiling to meet her gaze. Her caramel skin was glowing, he’d left another mark on her, just above her collar bone that was displayed from the too-loose fabric of his sweater on her small body. He didn’t know why he enjoyed the sight, but he did. It was less possessive in manner, but more proof that everything they’d done hadn’t been some sort of pleasure starved dream. He’d by lying if he said that there wasn’t some very primal male part of him that was pleased by the sight as well. It wasn’t like Inej wasn’t prone to the same notion, he knew his own neck had at least one or two of Inej’s own marks. He didn’t know how he’d face her parents, but he didn’t care right now. Right now, she was looking at him intently.

 

            “Everything good or bad?” Inej whispered with a soft smile as she reached her hand from his abdomen and smoothed back the piece of hair that had fallen to his forehead.

 

            “Good.” Kaz answered as he reached for her hand to entwine their fingers.

 

            “Tell me something I do not know, then.” Inej smiled as she laid back down beside him, ink spilling onto the pillow behind her as her long hair fanned out. Her game. It had been since the ship to Ravka since she’d asked the question.

 

            Kaz sighed but his lips tilted into a crooked smirk. He had to give Inej truths if he wished to hear hers, which he always did. Kaz wanted to know everything about her, a year together as lovers, and two prior as friends, work partners, and he’d not even scratched the surface. Kaz would always play her game if his truths brought her as much contentment as hers brought him.

           

            “Anything specific?” Kaz peeked at her expression, he was changing it up. It was a game intended to be random, but he thought maybe asking for specifics might be interesting. He knew they’d have to get up and go to her parent’s caravan eventually, but for now, Kaz wanted to stay right here with Inej. Everything else came second to these moments of peace with her. Even revenge, in this moment.

 

            Inej smiled softly and toyed with a feather sticking from the pillow under her head. She was wearing her thinking face. Perhaps Kaz would regret this.

 

            “What was your father like? I don’t even know his name.” Inej whispered, her eyes taking their time carefully dragging up to meet his. He knew she was nervous to ask about his life before Ketterdam, he’d given her every reason to be this way. Hesitant. Before everything changed between them, he’d never allow this conversation. Now, despite his instincts still railing, even after this year and all the barriers crossed, he wanted to be brave enough to remember his Da. The only other person besides his brother who he could claim as family, blood, at least. His Da’s ghost didn’t haunt him the way Jordie’s did, but Kaz still had nightmares about his father’s death, too. Every now and then, he woke in a sweat that had nothing to do with water, but instead, of a field plow and heinous amounts of blood.

 

            Blood on the crops. Shrieking from the farm hands. Cows wailing in the distance. Jordie’s scream. Kaz’s sniffle and tears as he dropped the stick he had been throwing for Timber in the front of their little house in the country side. The wail of the wind chimes that had the audacity to continue singing in the wake of tragedy.

 

Kaz had known something was very wrong when he’d heard Jordie scream. Jordie was his big brother, strong and brave and ten times bigger than Kaz. There had been an obvious absence in the symphony of disaster, there had been no baritone undernote of his father’s voice.

 

            “His name was Bram. Bram Rietveld.” Kaz whispered his Da’s name aloud for perhaps the first time since the days immediately following his death. Days when he and Jordie had to make arrangements for the farm and their fathers burial out on the hill near the fields, next to their long dead mother. In his mind, he never used his father’s name, only Da.

 

            Kaz felt pins prick his corrupt heart in his chest, but he wanted to be able to do this. For his father. His father who had loved him, raised him, as best as he could. Even in the wake of losing the love of his life. Kaz knew rationally it was not his own fault that his mother had died giving birth to him, but he had still wished he hadn’t taken her from his father, from his brother. Even as a young boy, Kaz remembered feeling like the odd one out when Jordie and Da spoke of his mother. He hadn’t gotten to meet her, love her. Da and Jordie never made him feel it, they loved him and said they wouldn’t trade Kaz. They’d told him that Mama wouldn’t have traded him, either. Kaz didn’t know what her laugh sounded like, but his Da said it was like rainy days in the fields. Like the water came to nurture the soil, her laugh nurtured life, too.

 

            Kaz would sit on the steps of the front porch on every rainy day, just to imagine his mother’s laugh. Sometimes, Jordie would come sit, too. Silent like he knew; silent like he understood.

 

            “I like that name.” Inej said softly from beside him, squeezing his fingers in her hand gently.

 

            “I told you before he was traditional, he was. But he was also funny. He had wit, he always made the farmhands laugh, our tutor when she came to the house. Not to mention Jordie and I. He played the piano, too. Nothing like Wylan, but I always thought he was good. He taught Jordie and I, and I beg you, please never tell this to Wylan Van Eck. I will not do it for him, never.” Kaz said lightly through the pain of the memories crowding his head.

 

            “It’s funny because Wylan always says you have piano hands. Fingers meant for playing.” Inej chuckled, his eyes followed the upturn of her lips. “It sounds like you got your wit from him, mera chaar.”

 

            “Maybe. A combination of Jordie and him and a generous pinch of Ketterdam necessity.” Kaz’s lips turned into a grin as well.

 

            “You’ll play for me though, someday.” Inej said resolutely, a wide grin blooming.

 

            Kaz’s groan of regret sent Inej laughing.

 

            If his mother’s laugh had been a rainy day, Inej’s laugh was the rapids in the river bed near the farm. The same river that coaxed him to sleep from his and Jordie’s open bedroom window. Strong enough to tame the roughest rocks into submission. Gentle enough to carry a canoe down-stream. Kaz loved that sound.

 

            “Maybe. You’ll have a lot of graveling and convincing to do, Wraith.” Kaz chuckled at her raised eyebrows.

 

            “I’m excellent at convincing, Kaz. Especially now.” Inej purred as she ran a hand down his chest lightly, dragging all the way down, dangerously close the waist band of his sleep trousers.

 

            Oh, she was wicked. Wonderfully so.

 

            Inej dropped her hand back to his with a devious little smile at his lifted brow.

 

            “I think I would have liked him, too. Just like your brother.” Inej said seriously now, her eyes shining with golden flecks in the few sunrays peeking through the curtains on the window.

 

            “I think you would have, too. I know he would have liked you.” Kaz answered honestly. He wondered if she and his mother would have gotten along. He wondered if he  and his mother would have gotten along.

 

            “Do you know what your mother’s favorite flower was?” Inej asked softly, just as he’d been about to tell her it was her turn for a truth. The question surprised him, he had no idea why she asked. Kaz was also surprised to find he knew the answer, it popped up immediately in his head.

 

            Da had tended to her flowers in the box outside the kitchen window. Ma had planted them when she was pregnant with Jordie, they still bloomed every year that Kaz had lived at the farm. A piece of her, Da had said once. He remembered how Da would cut a few flowers off the plant and put them in water in a vase on the kitchen table. It made the room smell like Autumn blooms.

 

            “Marigolds. Why?” Kaz flicked his gaze to Inej and he watched a small smile form on her face. It looked like she was committing it to memory.

 

            “No reason. I just wondered. Nani loves plants, if you couldn’t tell from her caravan.” Inej said. Kaz suspected this was not why she’d asked, but he chalked it up to wanting to know as much about his family as possible. He’d let it go.

 

            “Your turn. Do I get to ask a question, too?” Kaz rasped. Inej didn’t answer but nodded her head as she awaited her own truth.

 

            “Will you be sad when we go back to Ketterdam? Is this where you’d rather spend your leaves on land?” Kaz asked quietly. It had been a question in his mind the past several days as he watched Inej’s beaming smile with her parents, the gentleness in her eyes when she looked at Rahul and Khalid. The fire in her words around Nani. Inej seemed happy here, if… if she wanted to be here instead of Ketterdam, Kaz would find a way to make it work. He wouldn’t see her for more than a few weeks a year if he managed to come for even one of her leaves from the True Sea. Maybe she’d stop in Ketterdam once or twice to visit with Jes and Wylan, but he couldn’t imagine those stops lasting more than a week. Separating with her was no longer an option, if he had to suffer without her just to make it to those few days a year, if he at least knew she was where she wanted to be, it would be worth it.

 

            The admission of insecurity felt like ripping the muscles out of his chest, but he needed to hear her answer. Whether good or just… not as good, he needed to know. It would eat him alive if he didn’t grow the balls to admit he was scared he was holding her back.

 

            Inej sighed softly and her hand left his only to lightly touch his jaw and turn his face to hers, she wanted him to look at her. His eyes greedily searched her expression for the truth he awaited. Her stare was gentle, yet stern.

 

            “You will not be rid of me, Kaz Brekker. I appreciate you worrying, I do. But know this, if this was where I wanted to be, I would tell you. Will I miss my family? More than you know. Will I still visit them when I have the chance? Of course. Will my parents still visit Kerch? Yes. But no longer do they visit just for me, Kaz. They want to return for Jes and Wylan. For Marya. For you, Kaz. You’re a part of this family now, too.” Inej paused with a swallow, looking directly in his eyes. She was close enough that he could smell the hints of pine aroma in her hair, even after the soap from her shower. He could see the small freckle just below her left ear that he traced every time he tucked her hair behind that same ear.

 

“I want to fight on the sea with my crew. I want to fight on land with you, mera chaar. No one else. Battles both bloody and internal. Besides, longer than these two weeks here in Ravka, I think I’d go crazy without work. In Ketterdam, we have work and each other.  Balance, my love. And I’d miss Jesper’s singing voice. Can’t forget that. Oh! And Kaz Pecker. He’d be amiss without me, Kaz. My crows would wither under your conservative feeding schedule.” Inej smiled softly at the end of her speech, her hand leaving his chin and instead moving up his cheek, cupping delicately. The same way she had in the Ice Court.

 

Kaz let the weight of her words sink into his chest. His pulse skipped an erratic beat as she leaned in, he expected a kiss on his lips. Instead, she kissed his nose.

 

At the sight of his frown, she rectified the situation with a soft kiss to his lips. A chuckle escaping her as she laid back down beside him.

 

“Do you understand, Kaz?” Inej asked, eyes focused solely on him. Strong and unwavering copper forges. She spoke the truth.

 

“Yes. Will you…Never mind.” Kaz stuttered over what he’d been about to ask. He hadn’t expected the words to start flowing from his lips like water. It had been in his head for some time now, and this conversation brought the question forward. He wanted to ask her. He didn’t know how. He didn’t know if he was ready.

 

Would he ever be ready?

 

“Would I what?” Inej pushed with a grin.

 

“Nothing.” Kaz said, hoping his tone conveyed truth. Inej knew him better than that, and he knew it.

 

“No, ask me.” Inej scooted closer to him and he rolled his eyes as he turned his face back to the ceiling.

 

Just then, he felt her hand on his ribcage, just below his arm pit.

 

No. No. No. That was supposed to never be discovered.

 

Kaz Brekker was going to choke on giggles. He wheezed something like “no” as Inej tickled his side but he was lost in a hysterical bout of laughter.

 

“Surrender your question and I’ll release your side, Kaz.” Inej was chuckling as she added her other hand to her terrible sort of torture.

 

“’Nej! Please!” He managed as he tried to scoot away on the bed, but she hooked her leg over his middle, straddling him, hands tickling on both of his sides now, eyes more amused than he’d ever seen.

 

“Surrender, Kaz Brekker.” Inej purred.

 

“Fine! Fine! White Flag!” Kaz’s sides were released from her tickling and he gasped down air, ignoring the brilliant grin on her face, her rose kissed cheekbones. She didn’t move off of him, instead, she dramatically folded her hands in front of her. A threat that he had to follow through on his end of the deal or face her wrath. He rolled his eyes and huffed a breath as she continued smiling that radiant grin.

 

“I told you I’d find out if you were ticklish one day, when you least expected it.” Inej’s grin widened at the sight of his flushed skin.

 

“You are a cruel woman, Inej Ghafa.” Kaz quipped up to her, letting his hands fall to her bare knees on either side of him. Her grin made his lips quirk, her amusement was contagious.

 

“What were you going to ask?” Inej asked now, her tone gentle. Her eyes told him she truly wanted to know, her amusement replaced with a soft sort of love.

 

Kaz sighed and swallowed down the lump of cowardice in his throat. He forced his eyes to move up her body to her face. She held his gaze like a tether, daring him to drop his hold. He would not.

 

He would do this. He could do this. Nothing stood in the way of Kaz Brekker and what he wanted.

 

“Will you go to Lij with me? Soon?” Kaz whispered. His instincts had him moving his eyes away from her but her hand touched his chest in an effort to bring him back to her.

 

“Yes. I told you I would, Kaz. We’ll go as soon as you like.” Inej was smiling again. Smiling so brightly. Her eyes told him she’d not really ever expected to hear the question from his lips, that she wanted this. She wanted to do this, with him.

 

Home. Lij. The last place he’d seen his father. The last place his brother had been truly young, free. The grave site of a mother he’d never had.

 

No, Home was the girl above him. Lij wouldn’t be home unless Inej came with him.

 

“Kaz.” He hadn’t realized he’d turned his eyes down to a stray string on the sweater adorning her body, avoiding her eyes once more. He looked back up.

 

“It would be the honor of my life to do the same for you as you’ve done for me, here.” Inej said with conviction he’d never heard. Conviction laced in profound tenderness.

 

Inej was coming with him. Kaz was going to go back to Lij, for the first time in a decade.

 

He’d walked out of the farm for the last time as a boy with a small suitcase and an older brother. He’d return with a cane and the love of his life on his arm.

 

Kaz would bring the last pair of crow cufflinks he had, the ones made of copper. He had the gold, Jes had the silver.

 

Jordie would have the copper. Kaz would leave them at his headstone.

 

 

 

I’m coming, Brother.

 

           

Chapter 70: The Coin

Summary:

A truth. A trick.

Notes:

Chapter 70!!!

Okay guys, this one is a little shorter but I really just wanted to write this scene before we move on to big things coming. I really love it and it's a pretty big deal as far as character development goes, in my opinion. <33

Thank you to each and every one of you for the support, as always! I'll never stop saying it.

Drop me a comment with what you think <3333 I love hearing from you guys so so much!

INEJ

 

            “Mama, we’re fine. We slept. Stop fussing.” Inej mumbled into her mother’s tight embrace. She and Kaz had just made their way to her parent’s caravan for dinner after spending the majority of the afternoon entangled in the sheets of their bed, sharing kisses and small touches and easy silence mixed with conversation. Nani was here too, smiling at Kaz and herself in the doorway.

 

            “We just wanted to make sure you rested and eat, little girl. What kind of parents would we be if we didn’t fuss every now and then? Captain or not, you’re our daughter.” Papa spoke up from his perch on the ladder to the loft, he was pulling down an extra floor cushion for either herself or Kaz at the table.

 

            “I know, Papa.” Inej grumbled with false annoyance and a smile as soon as Mama released her from her hug.

 

            “You should ice that, girl.” Mama laughed with a gesture to a very deep bruise on Inej’s collar bone, just above the cut of her long sleeved tunic. Inej froze but Mama winked and busied herself with grabbing cups out of the cabinet by the stove. Inej didn’t miss her wink in Kaz’s direction, either. Kaz, who’s ears had flushed but otherwise let no sign of his guilt in marring her neck show. Inej knew her parents would never pry, nor would they find it unbecoming. In the suli culture, what she and Kaz shared was private, normal. Even if they weren’t exactly normal… no one else needed to know that. Inej was a woman in love and had declared Kaz her avri, her forever, it was to be expected that their love moved in ways of physicality, too.

 

            “He needs some too, then.” Nani piped up with a false glare in Inej’s direction and Inej simply shrugged with a devious grin. She didn’t mind the look of her mark on Kaz’s neck. She felt no shame whatsoever. Inej noticed Kaz glancing to her father’s form on the ladder, waiting to be mauled by a father protective of his daughter.

 

            Inej found Kaz Brekker, Dirtyhands, cute in that moment. He’d flay her alive if she ever told him so, but she did.

 

            Inej still couldn’t believe that Kaz had asked her to go with Lij with him, that he wanted to expose the rawest parts of his past and heart to her. The Saints had blown a fair wind into Inej’s lungs and she couldn’t be more thankful. She wanted to do everything for Kaz that he’d done for her here in Ravka, facing her past head on as a steady presence of strength beside her. She couldn’t wait to see what the future held. She made a note to seek Nani out before the end of the evening, privately. She needed help with something and her grandmother was the single person she knew who could produce exactly what she needed.

 

It would be something for Kaz, something Inej hoped would help on their journey back to his home town.

 

Inej thought that perhaps stepping away from Ketterdam, coming here to Ravka, had allowed Kaz Rietveld a breath of fresh air. Literally, but more so metaphorically. She and Kaz had crossed barriers since their arrival here in Aska Vasman, not easily, their demons still tried to rattle them, but maybe, just with a little more ease mentally. For both of them. Ravka was away from both of their truest nightmares, the Menagerie and the Harbor. While the Caravans also harbored much negativity for Inej, as she’d been taken from this very room she was standing in now, it was not equal to the false pleasure palace.

 

“Are you well?” Kaz whispered to her, out of earshot of her parents and Nani who were setting the table for dinner. Inej hadn’t realized she’d gotten lost in her thoughts as she stared at the flames licking in the woodstove.

 

Inej nodded with a smile as she took a cup of tea that Kaz had brought for her, she hadn’t even sensed him moving away and returning. It had been a long two days, in all the best and worst ways- but with the happiest outcome possible. Two days of fighting slavers, rescuing small girls, revelations from Nani, interrogation, and barriers crossed both physically and spiritually with Kaz. Inej couldn’t be happier, when all was said and done. Her heart was light as air and filled to the brim with warmth.

Inej noticed, then.

 

Kaz did not wear his gloves. He had not put them on for this dinner with her family. It was the first time he’d shed the leather around anyone besides Jesper, Wylan, and herself.

 

Had the room begun spinning? This was the truest form of trust that Kaz could enact around her family. He was testing his limits, for them. For her. For himself.

 

Inej’s heart floated higher still. She would not comment on it, but she was proud of Kaz. Proud of his effort, proud of his battles won. The same way she was proud of herself and her own victories.

 

Kaz caught her gaze and his eyes were what smiled back to her. His facial expression didn’t change, but she swore his eyes danced. His eyes of darkness reflected strands of gold satisfaction.

 

“Dinner is ready!” Mama chimed from near the table. As she and Kaz turned, his hand reached for hers, he didn’t let go until he’d helped her sit on the cushion. It was chivalrous, the suli equivalent of pulling out a chair for your partner to sit. Inej had seen her father do it every day for her mother, and apparently, Kaz had been watching. Mama was beaming, clearly she’d noticed, though she did not point it out.

 

Inej’s heart fluttered when Kaz only dipped his head to her with a ghost of a smile on his lips.

 

“Noodles!” Inej exclaimed as Kaz sat down beside her. Kaz quirked his head before Mama pointed out what was in the dish. Pan noodles with spicy red peppers, poppy seeds, vegetables and shrimp fresh from the Os Kervan coast. It was one of Inej’s favorite meals, ever since she was small. She’d hoped Mama would make it at one point or another during their visit, and Sharya Ghafa did not disappoint.

 

Soon, Inej lost herself in a conversation with Papa and Nani about the newest group of acrobats her father had been training, three girls and two boys from ages eleven to thirteen. Inej had been surprised to learn that her father had heard some of the children mention Inej by name as they practiced. They must have been very young when they’d seen Inej on the wire, but they had remembered her.

 

Inej felt her face flush under the praise from her father, the pride beaming from him as he spoke of her days on the wire, of how happy he was to be able to tell the children that his daughter had put her acrobatics to use in new ways, noble ways.

 

Her parents and Nani emanated pride as they recanted how the children had said they wanted to perform like Inej one day. It only solidified Inej’s wish to get back on the wire before she and Kaz would leave Aska Vasman in a weeks’ time. Inej would run with Khalid in the morning, and then, maybe, she would head to the practice tent. Work out and re-familiarize herself with the highest wire.

 

Inej flicked her eyes to Kaz to find he was listening intently, a small sort of smile on his face. He’d picked up the lid to one of the many spice jars on the table and was dancing it on his knuckles as if it were a coin, completely absent mindedly.

 

            “How did you learn to do that?” Mama smiled as she noticed Kaz’s trick. Kaz froze but the cap still bumped faithfully over his knuckles. Inej watched him take a quick and silent breath, preparing himself for the question. It was how Inej knew he intended to answer honestly. Inej also knew her family had noticed his bare hands, but none of them pointed it out.

 

            “When I was young, my brother and I saw street magicians performing. One of them made a coin disappear, seemingly out of thin air. I was… I was obsessed. Most people will just see the trick and decide it amusing and move on with a toss of money to the performer. I couldn’t forget about it. I taught myself, practiced every day until I could do it. I even performed it, for a while. When I was younger and without… well without much. I needed the kruge so I’d make coins disappear on street corners.” Kaz voiced with a sip of liquid courage from the tumbler of bourbon in front of him. Papa had poured them both glasses, Inej was with her Mama and Nani- they preferred tea or wine.

 

            “You can make a coin disappear?” Nani smiled a brilliant thing as she leaned forward slightly from across the table, eyeing Kaz’s movements. Inej produced the coin she kept loyally in her pocket and passed it to Kaz.

 

            Kaz’s eyes widened but then, he smiled. A soft, proud, thing that smile was. He knew she used it to practice.

 

 Inej wanted him to show her family the magic his fingers were capable of, especially when he was bare handed and no glove could conceal his artistry or cast doubt on his ability.

 

Kaz shrugged off his blazer and Inej watched as he rolled up both of his sleeves to his elbows, her family all watching the magician beside her intently.

           

            Kaz danced the coin over his knuckles until it disappeared over the ridge of one hand and appeared on the other, causing Mama’s eyes to widen and Papa to lean forward. Nani’s eyes were narrowed solely on his coin, trying to discern how it jumped. Inej watched her family’s faces when the coin leaped out of existence, Kaz keeping his hands in view of them the entire time. She already knew she couldn’t figure out the trick, no matter how many times she’d seen him do it.

 

            “Where? How?” Mama spoke first, a smile on her lips. She looked just like Inej herself had, the first time Kaz had done it in front of her in the attic.

 

            “Magic?” Kaz grinned crookedly to Mama. Nani was eyeing his fingers and Inej watched as he displayed both hands to her across the table, trusting her grandmother not to touch him. Only Inej knew how much trust Kaz was bestowing to the elder suli woman.

 

            “Magic indeed. You should have been here your whole life, son. The troupe could use you.” Papa laughed a booming thing, running a hand over his trimmed beard. Inej saw Kaz’s eyes light up as he flashed his hands back and forth in front of her family once, then, to her surprise, Kaz reached over to Inej, his fingers just grazing the shell of her ear as he plucked the coin from behind it. Kaz had never done that before and Inej couldn’t help the giggle that escaped her lips as he smirked and returned to his methodical bumping of the coin on pale knuckles. Nani laughed quietly, surely in the face of the blush warming Inej’s cheeks and Kaz’s smug expression at surprising her.

 

            “Kahir is right, magic indeed.” Mama chuckled and Inej saw her parents’ hands entwine on the table as Papa leaned in and kissed her mother’s forehead.

 

            “We didn’t know you had a brother, Kaz.” Papa said with a sip of bourbon. Inej saw Kaz swallow against the question, against the instinct of Dirtyhands. Inej didn’t know how Kaz would react to talking about Jordie, but she knew he wouldn’t have mentioned his brother in the story of the magician to begin with if he didn’t think he could at least try and handle the question. Kaz was too calculated to have slipped up, and Inej knew it.

 

            “I did. But he died, when I was nine. He was thirteen.” Kaz said quietly but he didn’t waver from her father’s eyes.

 

            “Do you mind if we ask how?” Mama said gently, the candle light bouncing off the silver ring in her nose piercing as she leaned forward slightly to pick up her tea mug.

 

            “The Queen’s lady Plague, it struck Ketterdam when we were homeless and we didn’t have anywhere to quarantine. I don’t know if news of the plague would have reached Ravka, but it was devastating to Ketterdam. Docks were shut down, everything boarded up. It completely derailed the trade and commerce.” Kaz said in answer. He continued bumping the coin on one hand but his other fell to her knee beneath the table. Kaz needed help, she felt it in the squeeze of her leg. She knew he had slipped his own misfortune into the answer and covered it with information about the plague. He hadn’t wanted his tragedy to take the spotlight, he hadn’t wanted to admit to her family that he’d been homeless with his brother as children.

 

            Inej had never been more thankful for their way of communicating without words.

 

            “But you lived.” Papa said, his eyes focused on Kaz. Inej didn’t know what her father meant by it.

 

            “I caught the plague, too. But I… I lived.” Kaz was clutching her knee like a lifeline out of view from her parents. Talking about the plague, about Jordie, that was Kaz’s most difficult truth to bare, even the short-handed version of it.

 

Inej hadn’t expected this honesty from Kaz tonight. But here he was, surprising her. Doing it for himself.

 

            “Chidi hai ke brunsta mari, hai ke mari. Pheenik raisurach.” Papa voiced to Kaz. Inej felt her breath hitch in her throat. Papa had understood what Kaz meant when he stuttered over the words “I lived”.

 

            Papa was telling Kaz that, he too, had wings.

 

            “What does that mean?” Kaz whispered with a healthy drink of bourbon, trying his best not to show the slight shake in his bare fingers to her family. Nani had a soft smile on her face and Mama watched Kaz and Papa as intently as Inej was.

 

            “The bird who flies on scorched wings still flies. The phoenix with strength will always resurrect.” Papa said with a smile and Inej watched as Kaz understood her father’s words. Papa had told Kaz one of the oldest proverbs of her people, one that spoke of rebirth. Papa had told Kaz that he was who he was meant to be, even after death and rebirth. Papa did not know Kaz’s story, neither did Mama or Nani, but somehow, they each knew in their own ways that Kaz Brekker was not used to kindness, to acceptance. To family.

 

 Inej saw Kaz’s eyes meet each of theirs in a span of a heart beat before he said only two words, on a release of breath, like the weight of the Harbor fell of his shoulders.

 

            “Thank you.”

 

            Inej thought if she had the wings of an acrobat, Kaz had the wings of a Phoenix. A will stronger than Death himself and rage brighter than any flame. Light to put the stars to shame as he flew across her sky. A phoenix of cold fire that lit up like the moon.

 

            Inej had never been prouder to have Kaz as her avri.

 

            “I love you, mera chaar.” Inej whispered as she leaned over and placed a delicate kiss on Kaz’s cheek. His eyes sparked in surprise but she heard no rushing water from her sudden movement.

 

            “I love you too, mera nadra.” Kaz said and he surprised her once again by leaning in and leaving a kiss to her own cheek, despite her family surrounding them.

 

            Inej’s eyes met Papa’s as he helped Mama gather dishes, talking softly to Nani about the weather in the coming days.

 

            Papa had told her the story of the Moon and the Sea, and his eyes spoke of his understanding, eyes lit up with happiness. Mama was smiling softly to herself, too. Inej knew her parents understood when they looked at each other, eyes locking the same way hers and Kaz had moments ago.

 

            Inej had gone home. Home was right beside her, magic exuding from his smile.

 

 

 

 

           

Chapter 71: The Girl On The Wire

Summary:

An apology overdue. A prank.

Notes:

Chapter 71!!!!

AHHH! Okay, so this one is honestly a scene I just thought of partially and couldn't help but include it, and theres also some big things too. I hope you guys love it! <333

Thank you so so much for all the support on this story. I'll never stop saying it but you guys literally bring so much light into my life, you're all sun summoners. <3

Drop me a comment with what you think! I can't wait for what is coming up!!!

KAZ

 

            Kaz was on his way to the practice tent to see Inej the next morning, he’d just left her parents’ caravan. He’d stopped to talk to Kahir and Sharya about something Inej needn’t be involved with. A flutter went through his stomach at the memory, he had never thought he’d have the courage to face her parents alone, but he had. It had been the perfect opportunity since Inej had gone on a run with Khalid this morning and she’d mentioned she was going to go to the practice tent afterwards. She’d left this morning at no less than seven half and now it was close to eleven bells.

 

After dinner with Inej’s parents and Nani the night prior, Kaz had found courage within his crooked spirit. He’d decided to talk to her parents about a surprise he intended for Inej, he needed their input. He didn’t know when he’d surprise her, but he required something of her family for this particular gift. This was something he’d been thinking on for a while now, even before they’d come to Ravka. It was a vision he had in his head that he wanted to bring to life perfectly. Rather, he hadn’t known if he actually needed anything from her family and he needed to find out. Turns out, there had been something he needed. Nani had been the one he needed something from, and thankfully, she’d already been at Kahir and Sharya’s caravan.

 

            Sharya had cried and smiled in equal measure.

 

            Kahir had threatened him half-heartedly, through his baritone laugh and a clap on Kaz’s shoulder.

 

            Nani had grumbled with amusement in her eyes with a promise to return to him with the thing he needed before they left Ravka. Her smile told him she was happy to help.

 

            Kaz didn’t need Nani to rush. It was only a small part of his surprise, but he was glad he’d worked up the nerve to talk to the Ghafa’s alone. Kaz trusted them, the Ghafa’s were now… well, they were now the only family Kaz had to speak of. Except Jes and Wylan. Kaz hoped Jes wasn’t drowning under the weight of the Crow Club, but Kaz had faith. Even if he was beginning to miss work, he had faith that Jesper and Anika in tandem would keep things sailing until he arrived back in his city of thieves.

 

 Now, Kaz just wanted to find his girl, and find out exactly what it took for an acrobat like her to exist.

 

            “Kaz!” Kaz was halfway up the path through the heart of the suli camp when he heard Rahul’s voice from somewhere behind him, causing other’s heads to turn as well. There were people everywhere, but somehow, Kaz still felt like he could walk through Aska Vasman without feeling crowded. He liked it very much, suli paths were very different than Ketterdam streets had always been. Now, Kaz could walk the streets of his city and the inhabitants would give him a wide berth; but that was only because of who he’d become. It wasn’t that way for anyone else nor had it always been that way for Kaz. Here, the suli just minded their own business and dipped their heads respectfully to anyone who passed their way.

 

            Perhaps Kahir was right. Maybe Kaz should have been here his whole life, he seemed to fit in better, somehow. Even if he was pale as the snow beneath his feet and could hardly ask where the facilities were in suli.

 

            “Rahul.” Kaz rasped as Inej’s medical student cousin caught up with him.

 

            “Good morning.” Rahul said as he caught his breath from his trot to catch up to Kaz, his accent thick around the kerch words.

 

            “We haven’t really gotten a chance to speak since you were at our dinner.” Rahul said as they both continued walking up the path. Kaz caught the scent of incense from one of the caravans lining the path and he inhaled the sweet smokiness mixed with the fresh pine trees, it was a scent Kaz wouldn’t tire of. It reminded him of her. Kaz knew Rahul spoke somewhat broken Kerch, but he understood. The night that Kaz and Inej had dinner at Rahul and Khalid’s caravan had been… interesting. Not quite good. Not quite bad. Just hard, for Inej. For himself, if he was honest.

 

            Kaz nodded and Rahul did too. Kaz sensed Rahul had more to say.

 

            “I just wanted to say we… we are sorry. It was a lot, you know. To hear Inej had been in such sad situations for so long. We only want the best for her, we love her. Khalid… he’s a good man. Otherwise he would not have earned me, but he has much temper.” Rahul glanced to Kaz as he spoke, clearly making sure his words made sense in the language native to Kaz. They did.

 

            “He should not have accused you of not being here under good intentions. He knows that. I don’t speak for him, but I wanted to say my piece to you. I love my cousin, she’s the best of us all. She loves you, so you are lucky. We are lucky to have you, too. That she found you. That you helped her.” Rahul’s words were harsh in Kerch, but he stopped walking and met Kaz’s eyes. Kaz didn’t understand. The words made sense in a literal way, but the meaning behind them? Kaz couldn’t fathom.

 

            Kaz knew he was a lucky man, he’d never deserved Inej. He didn’t think her family would count themselves lucky to know him. A barrel rat from Kerch who used violence and secrets to make a living. Kaz was struck utterly silent as he eyed Rahul, his close shaven head and such similar cheekbones to Inej. His dark eyes that Kaz would hazard to guess lit up the same way as Inej’s in bright sunlight.

 

            “I wanted to say that if Inej accepts you, then we do, too. Or at least I do. Khalid will speak for himself, but he likes you, too. Even if he’s no good at- how emotions? No! Showing emotions.” Rahul stuttered and Kaz managed a nod of his head to show he understood.

 

            “I only want to make her happy. That’s my only intention. If she chose to leave, I’d never try to stop her. She deserves more than I can give, but I… I can’t take her choice away. I love her too much for that.”

 

The honesty fell out of Kaz’s mouth like water. He hadn’t expected to do it. It hadn’t been a conscious decision. Maybe it was the relation of Rahul to Inej, maybe they could both extract honesty from Kaz Brekker.

 

“Then you deserve her.” Rahul smiled only once before he clamped a hand over Kaz’s shoulder and loped away back the direction he came; completely unaware that he’d just told Kaz words he never thought he’d hear from anyone besides Inej.

 

Someone else had decided he was worthy of Inej’s love. What an odd morning.

 

What a beautiful morning. Had he gone soft? A beautiful morning? What the hell, Brekker.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Moments later, Kaz finally spied the opening of the practice tent ahead of him, the same one where they’d stashed their captive and Aryan, Khalid’s brother, had watched over their prisoner.

 

Kaz pushed open the canvas flap of the tent to find the inside looking completely different than he’d seen it before in the dim dawn light. Now, it was mid-morning and the sun set the light colored canvas of the tent aflame in a hue of brazen orange, the lanterns slung on the walls only adding to the prisms of gold illuminated on the sand floor of the center ring. Dust swirled in the air above a basin filled of crushed white powder, chalk, Kaz presumed. It would keep hands of acrobats dry enough to catch the wire, or to grasp another’s wrists mid-air.

 

A group of suli children were in the corner right next to the entrance of the tent where Kaz currently stood, their eyes were wide and didn’t even turn to him as they gazed upward. Kaz followed one of the boys eyes all the way up and up to the vaulted roof of the tent. He spied a high wire that trembled, as if someone had just jumped.

 

There.

 

A flash of bronze landed back on the wire after stepping from a platform at one end. The acrobat bent forward and gripped the wire with both hands before they lifted their legs in straight, perfect lines. A shadow moved over the tent from outside, but he could still see the silent show.

 

The acrobat moved several paces on their hands before pushing down on the wire and wringing power from it into their wrists. The wire bounced and launched the acrobat up even higher, no limbs touching the trembling line. The acrobat flipped once in a precise arch to land on balanced feet, arms outstretched in a triumphant show against all logic and reason. The acrobat was at least sixty feet in the air and moved on the wire as if it were a sidewalk safely attached to the ground.

 

Kaz’s bones hummed a melody of gravity and lightning.

 

“Amazing, isn’t it?” A voice came from Kaz’s left, he ripped his eyes away to spy Khalid walking towards him, his own green eyes fixed on the performance above them.

 

“She’s even better than she was, somehow. Maybe it was the climbing in your city? Who knows.” Khalid said, his tone reminiscent of years watching Inej on the wire.

 

The acrobat on the high wire was Inej.

 

Kaz hadn’t been able to tell from the ground, there had been a shadow of cloud cover over the opening at the apex of the tent as he’d watched, but now, as he looked back to the air, the sun shone down.

 

Sun cascaded Inej’s form on the tight rope, like the sun summoner had lent his girl some of her light just for this moment. Inej was walking the wire, arms stretched gracefully. Kaz heard the gasp of some of the children behind him when she bounced on the wire once more and landed facing the opposite direction.

 

If Kaz wasn’t proud of being completely agnostic, he might have deemed suli aerialists his Saints with Inej at the spearhead. Inej walked a line of miracles as if the very air around her bowed down to her and her alone. Power exuded her every movement as she twisted and turned and wound her wrists in the air.

 

The girl on the wire. Her emblem. Inej was beautiful and etched in gold, just like her flag.

 

“It’s always incredible to see her perform, I can’t imagine you’ve had the chance before, but just wait. It gets better.” Khalid chuckled and Kaz couldn’t be bothered to even so much as turn his head away from Inej. He was dimly aware his mouth hung slightly agape. It didn’t matter.

 

He’d known Inej was talented. He’d never known just how talented. He’d trusted her to walk a wire twenty stories in the air, but he’d never known what it was to witness Gravity falling to her knees before her captor, Captain Inej Ghafa.

 

Kaz didn’t know how long he stood with Khalid and watched Inej. It felt like time had sped up and slowed down all at once. Seconds raced when Inej did not touch the wire, they slowed when she paced the line.

 

Kaz had experienced true awe only a few times in his life.

 

One, when his Da had showed him how to tap the keys of their old piano in their little country house.

 

Two, when Jordie had climbed the fallen oak by the river near the farm, a tree so big that Kaz thought only a giant could accomplish such a feat, but his brother had.

 

Three, when the magician made the coin disappear.

 

Four, when he’d heard the laugh for the first time.

 

Five, when Jesper, Wylan, and Inej came barreling down a Fjerdan hillside in a stolen tank and Nina raised the dead.

 

Six, when Inej told him she loved him.

 

Now, seven. When he saw the woman he loved shatter all impossibility in the world with a flick of her wrist in the sky.

 

“Kaz!” Inej must have seen him, for now she was climbing down a ladder at the end of one of the platforms. Then, she was jogging toward him.

 

Damnit. Her smile shattered him all over again.

 

“You saw?” Inej was beaming and Khalid was chuckling softly beside him.

 

“I saw.” Kaz couldn’t stop the grin from unfolding on his mouth if he’d wanted to.

 

“I’m a bit rusty, I was going to show you when I was a bit more practiced again.” Inej sighed as she moved to his side to gaze back up at the wire she’d previously occupied. Her skin glowed from a fine sheen of sweat and her eyes sparked in the sunrays shining down on the tent.

 

“Rusty?” Kaz gaped.

 

“She’s always been modest, leaves the rest of us underachievers to be put to shame.” Khalid jested to Inej. She rolled her eyes but Kaz noticed a bloom of pink on her cheeks.

 

“Hush, Khalid. I am rusty. My muscles are going to kill me for doing flips on my first day back up there.” Inej mumbled and Kaz felt her knuckles brush his through his glove, he slipped his palm into hers easily.

 

“Rusty my ass.” Khalid rolled his eyes with a snort and Kaz couldn’t hold back his laughter. It earned him a poke of a finger in his ribcage from Inej.

 

“My side, remember?” Inej huffed and Kaz met Khalid’s eyes before they both broke out in chuckles once more.

 

“Oh, no. I cannot have you two becoming friends and ganging up on me! I get enough of that with Jes back home.” Inej grumbled with a false frown before she dropped his hand to move and pick up a water skin she’d set on a stool behind Khalid. It only fueled the two boy’s laughter.

 

“We must become friends and gang up on her.” Khalid whispered conspiratorially to Kaz, keeping his tone loud enough for Inej to hear. Inej choked mid-drink before she hurled a spray of water at Khalid’s back.

 

“Oof! Water! I’m terrified!” Khalid groaned as he plucked off his shirt that was now drenched on the back.

 

“Don’t.” Kaz held up a hand in false surrender as Inej turned the water skin on him, posed to spray him as well.

 

“You’re lucky you’re pretty.” Inej smiled with false innocence and dropped the water flask back to the stool. Kaz rolled his eyes, though his cheeks felt warmer.

 

“Are you saying I’m not pretty? You’ve destroyed me from the inside out, Inej.” Khalid quipped as he wrung out his shirt.

 

“Now, ladies. You’re both pretty. No need to argue.” A booming voice came from behind their group and Kaz turned over his shoulder to see Inej’s uncle Rajesh accompanied by Kahir.

 

“I told them that but they just won’t believe me.” Inej sighed dramatically and leaned her hip against the stool. Kaz shot her a glare of false ire but it only induced giggles from her lips.

 

“There’s some people here who would very much like to meet you, daughter.” Kahir said with a smile after nodding to both Khalid and Kaz. A grin was on Inej’s father’s face as he turned to the group of children Kaz had spied earlier.

 

Kaz saw Inej’s face flush brightly, he caught the roll of her shoulders. Inej was intimidated by the young group of acrobats behind him.

 

“Go.” Khalid was the one who touched a hand to Inej’s shoulder to nudge her forward and Rajesh took her arm as they made their way to Kahir and the children, Kaz heard Kahir say something in suli followed by a round of little cheers.

 

Inej was the equivalent of the magician to these children. They needed to know how she’d done it.

 

Pride wrapped Kaz’s ribcage in a tight embrace as he watched Inej introduce herself to each child with a smile, Khalid still stood beside him.

 

“She was always better at teaching than I was, but you see that boy? The one with the blue shirt?” Khalid gestured with his hand toward one of the kids Inej was speaking to. Kaz nodded.

 

“He wants to do what I do. Flame eating. I told him that he has to wait until he’s at least twelve before I’ll even consider instructing him. His name is Veerik. That name means ‘bravery above all’ in our language. I always thought his parents must have had the sight to name him that.” Khalid laughed and Kaz smiled as Inej made her way around the circle to the same boy in question.

 

Somehow, Kaz found himself wrapped in conversation with Khalid, it was easy. Almost reminded him of the ease he found talking with Jesper. Khalid told him about the different tools and training practices that he’s used to become a fire-breather, and he showed Kaz the worst of his burn scars while his shirt dried from Inej’s water antics. Turns out, Khalid had a truly nasty scar down his back that Kaz would have never known was there. Apparently, another breather hadn’t gotten into position properly during a show two years ago and had breathed the flames right into Khalid’s back. Kaz also found himself recanting some of the worst injuries he’d seen in the Dregs, leaving out both when Inej had been stabbed and when she’d been shot saving Jesper earlier this same year; those were Inej’s stories to tell if she so wished.

 

“Man, sounds like you’ve seen some strange things in your city.” Khalid scoffed with a low whistle after Kaz told him about a very strange incident in which he’d seen a man fall face first into a gondola in the canal, full of women, while stammering drunk. He’d received more injuries from the unsuspecting women than he had from the actual fall to the canal.

 

“Ketterdam is ruthless, perhaps not for everyone, but it’s never been dull. I can say that much.” Kaz found himself laughing as he leaned against one of the support poles for the tent beside him.

 

“Kaz, I uh- I’m sorry for being a dick when you came over to our caravan. I know I was. It’s just… hearing what happened to ‘Nej, I lost it. I mourned her all these years and I saw red and it shouldn’t have been directed to you, but you were the one there and I couldn’t imagine if… if you had been here under false pretenses. I know you aren’t, I know that. But I didn’t say it then. I know I already said it, but mati en sheva yelu. You know what that means?” Khalid wrung his dark hands in front of him, clearly unused to the guilt he was expressing.

 

 Kaz was shocked for the second time that day. Rahul had spoken to him as well and now Khalid was apologizing. Kaz had very few instances where he was apologized to in earnest, and not out of fear from reprimand in the Dregs. Dregs apologized all the time when they botched something, but this was genuine regret shining back at Kaz from Khalid’s emerald eyes.

 

“This action will have no echo. Inej has taught me many proverbs and phrases but I fear I can barely say ‘thank-you’ with my accent.” Kaz said lightly. He didn’t know how to handle Rahul’s conversation with him and he most certainly didn’t know what to do with Khalid’s apology. Khalid laughed before he quirked his head in askance for Kaz’s forgiveness.

 

“Don’t worry about it. I was about to bash your knee-caps in but Inej told me you would have lit me on fire. Let’s prevent that from happening.” Kaz held out a gloved hand and Khalid smiled freely as he shook it.

 

“I may or may not have eavesdropped.” Inej was standing behind Kaz now, he’d sensed her nearing them. Kaz met Khalid’s eyes and they shared a look of comradery and Kaz’s hand was already subtly reaching for the very much unattended water skin Inej had left behind on the stool.

 

Thieves-hands served him well in all instances.

 

Inej had stepped forward saying something to Khalid in suli and Kaz was already passing the water skin to Khalid’s waiting fingers behind his back.

 

“Sorry in advance, ‘Nej.” Khalid grinned wickedly and Inej quirked her head with only a moment to spare before the water blasted her face.

 

“Shevrati!” Inej shouted as she wiped water from her eyes, then she narrowed her gaze on Kaz and he could only laugh right alongside Khalid.

 

Inej sauntered forward and Kaz held his ground and grinned crookedly down at her. He heard Khalid say something like “oh no”.

 

“You took that from the stool.” Inej accused, a devious little grin on her lips.

 

“I did.” Kaz nodded, the grin on his mouth locked in place.

 

“You’ll pay, Brekker.” Inej said, her voice dripping honey.

 

Oh no. Khalid had been right to voice the words.

 

“I always pay my dues, darling.” Kaz tipped his head to meet her eyes directly.

 

“Mmmhm.” Inej mumbled, a dark little chuckle escaping her lips as she moved away and reached to unbind her hair from its coil at the base of her neck.

 

Khalid held up his hand for a high-five and Kaz didn’t hesitate to meet it with his own leather clad palm.

 

“Shevrati’s. Both of you.” Inej said before she surprised Kaz by stepping on her tip-toes and pressing a kiss to his cheek, she’d already dried her face with her jacket and he felt no water. She repeated the motion to Khalid after he displayed his own cheek to her with a groan about being left out.

 

“Now tell me I’m pretty, too!” Khalid joked with a wiggle of his dark brows and Inej threw her head back in a laugh.

 

Kaz found it strange. He’d made yet another friend.

 

Chapter 72: The World Would Bend

Summary:

A gift. A wish. A brilliant mind.

Notes:

Chapter 72!!!

Ahhhh! hi everyone! I honestly love this chapter, it's something I've held onto since the beginning of this "season" and originally it was going to be combined with the next chapter, but it felt special enough to make it its own part. I'm so excited for the next few chapters I'm working on and you guys might even get another update in a few hours if I'm able! (Don't hold me to it, we'll see how fast these writer's fingers can type and edit, lol) I hope you all love it and it's an important part for whats coming up so I hope you're all excited!

Thank you for the support as always, you guys. Seriously, everyday, you guys bring a little more sunshine into this girl's life and I want you to know it. <3

ALSO. I made a tumblr! Finally! It's the same as my user name on here (ravenyenn19) so if any of you want to go follow or take a look, I'd love to connect with you guys and the fandom more as a whole! It's brand new so theres only a few posts, but I'll use it to update you guys etc if I need to postpone a chapter or what not and also just to obsess over my fave fan arts of our babies and the new show!!! If you guys aren't interested, no worries! I just thought i'd post it for ya'll.

Drop me a comment with what you think! Sending all the love and hope you all have a lovely day/night wherever you are! <333

"Kings & Queens" by Matt Kearney (I know I haven't made many song recs lately and I'll def try and be better about it) This one speaks for itself. No explanation needed.

INEJ

 

            “I have something for you.” Kaz said after Inej came out of the bathroom, she’d just showered away all the sweat from her run and practicing on the wire and was now braiding her damp hair back as she stood at the sink basin.

 

            “What is it?” Inej turned to look at him with raised eyebrows. Inej had no idea what Kaz would be giving to her, there was no special occasion. In fact, his birthday had only been this past week. The thought of occasions brought a question to Inej’s mind, a silly one, she decided.

 

            Did she and Kaz have an anniversary? No. Of course not. Did Inej want them to have one? She didn’t know, but a trail of butterfly wings took flight in her abdomen.

 

            “What was that look?” Kaz questioned as he straightened the pile of papers in Pekka Rollin’s folder beside him on the bed.

 

            “What look?” Inej turned away from him to finish her braid, hoping to encourage the blush on her cheeks to fade back into her skin.

 

            “You’re not a great liar, Inej. We both know it.” Kaz sighed but her glance in the mirror before her showed his reflection painted in amusement as he pushed himself off the bed.

 

            “Let’s return to the subject of surprises for me?” Inej tried and Kaz scoffed from somewhere behind her.

 

            “Fine. Come here.” Kaz grumbled but she didn’t miss the swallow of a chuckle in his throat.

 

            Inej tied off her braid and walked over to the edge of the bed. She sat expectantly, a smile flowing onto her lips. Kaz had taken off his blazer and tie since they’d returned to their caravan, the crow and cup tattoo was displayed on his pale forearm below his rolled up shirt sleeves. Inej noticed the subtle shadow to his jawline today, the way his shoulders seemed relaxed, easy. He was digging through his traveling bag that he’d pulled from under their bed. 

 

            Inej was struck for a moment with how at odds Kaz was now with the boy she’d first met in the Menagerie. Her past self never would have believed Kaz to be capable of looking relaxed, comfortable. Never would have believed that the boy who taught her how to kill a man would also be the man she introduced to her parents. The only man she’d ever want to spend her life with. The man she’d seen laugh with her oldest friend only bells ago.

 

            Kaz was all of it.

 

            He made her laugh like no one else could. The kind of laughter that could make you believe you’d never known anything but happiness.

 

            He made impossible things seem like they were always meant to be achieved.

 

            He had taken the time to know her as no one else did.

 

            He knew her favorite flower.

 

            Kaz was the strangest dichotomy; he’d brought Inej back to life with his world of death and violence.

 

“It’s that look again. What, Wraith?” Kaz was staring at her and Inej hadn’t even noticed he’d turned his eyes back to her. She’d been lost in thoughts. Thoughts of him.

 

“You.” Inej chastised her lips silently. She hadn’t meant to say it.

 

“What about me?” Kaz quirked his head, his hands were behind his back. Inej wondered what it was that he was keeping out of sight.

 

“I love you.” Inej answered as she toyed with the end of her braid, eyes avoiding his. It wasn’t like it was an admission she’d never made before, made almost every day, in fact; but it felt… it felt so strong. In this random moment against the thousands they’d shared, it felt blindingly bright in all of the best ways.

 

Her love for him in that moment felt like when you turn your eyes to the sun, and even through the lids, you see the brightness.

 

“Because I love you as well, I want you to close your eyes and hold out your hand.” Kaz smirked. Inej laughed but complied to his wish. Fluttering her fingers in grabby motions in front of her. She heard Kaz’s laugh move closer to her, then she felt something like paper land in her outstretched hand. Inej grasped the paper, but it was heavier than she’d expected a single sheet to be. Inej did not open her eyes yet.

 

Kaz leaned in and she felt his breath on her cheek.

 

“Can I kiss you?” the warmth of the whispered question made her nod her head. She knew he’d asked because her eyes had been shut, they always asked if one of them didn’t see the other coming. They were getting better at surprise touches, but she knew there were still lines they weren’t quite ready to cross. Either of them.

 

Kaz dropped a birds wing kiss to each of her cheeks. One to her forehead. One to her nose. Then, a gentle kiss to her lips.

 

No matter how many times she’d been kissed by Kaz, her stomach fluttered in happy surprise. Kaz Brekker had been worth every single moment of patience in the years behind them. Inej wouldn’t trade their path for any other; battles, scars, demons, victories and losses. She’d never want anything else.

 

“Open.” Kaz rasped and she heard him take a step away and straighten himself.

 

Inej opened her eyes to find a folder balanced precariously in her hand. It was simple and had no label on the front. Inej did not bother to hide her confusion.

 

“I meant open that, too.” Kaz sighed and ran a hand over the side of his head. Inej saw hesitancy in his eyes, a light nervousness swirled in his pupils. Inej quirked her head but laid the file in her lap before she opened the flap.

 

Inside, was a Ketterdam bank statement. Inej didn’t understand until she looked at underlined portions in harsh black ink. There were notes in Kaz’s scrawl in the margins. Inej flicked her gaze to the header of the sheet. It was a bank statement belonging to Tante Heleen, it was both for her personal accounts and the business holdings for the Menagerie.

 

Inej felt her jaw drop. She moved to the next page. Kaz had compiled statements going back eighteen months. Then on the next sheets, there were the names of every new girl who’d been “employed” in the last year, and where they originally hailed from. Noyvi Zem. Fjerda. Ravka. Shu Han. Kerch villages, even.

 

Next, there was a page of suspected family members of some those girls. Inquiries that had been made with the Stadwatch that had not been followed through. No investigation had been made for these poor girl’s families. Some of their families had obviously suspected that they’d been taken to Ketterdam.

 

Lastly, there was a list of every single possible Stadwatch officer that Heleen may be paying off in order to keep quiet about the indentures she forced, slavery protected by the Saints damned law. There was a note from Kaz to reference withdrawals on the banking documents to correlate. On that same page, there was a list of names of Mercher’s just like Charles Hester who frequented the Menagerie and may be supplying tax evaded money into the Pleasure houses and the slave trade.

 

Inej’s eyes blurred with unshed tears as she spied the careful notes that Kaz had left her, he’d left dates on some of them. He’d begun working on this file the day after she’d left on her maiden voyage. Kaz had thought she might not return, but this folder was proof of the hope he’d felt in his heart. Proof that he’d made a choice even before he’d received her letter from the True Sea, proof that things had changed inwardly before they ever had outwardly.

 

“Kaz.” Inej choked out as she traced a finger over his lines of script on one of the bank statements.

 

“I just wanted to make sure you had a heading as we begin working on Heleen. I know we have Kane and Pekka to worry about too, but I wanted you to know I haven’t… I haven’t forgotten what you asked of me, that day on the docks. That we target these people, together. I haven’t forgotten that you asked me for my help. I hope it helps, if we need more information, we’ll start right away when we get back to the city and”

 

“Kaz.” Inej repeated to cut him off. There were tears sliding down her cheekbones and she wiped them away to keep them from falling to the pages in her lap. Kaz had said “we have Kane and Pekka to worry about too”. Her heart was flying. Kaz included her in his own revenge vendetta. She knew how much he wanted to avenge Jordie’s death. She knew how much he coveted Pekka’s undoing. Now, he included her in all of it.

 

It meant more to Inej than she could even convey. Her voice felt tied in sailor’s knots. Her heartbeat rattled her chest. She felt like she could sob. Sob under the freedom in her hands. Sob under the love displayed in front of her that she never thought she’d have the chance to find.

 

Inej wished, for perhaps the thousandth time, that she could whisper to her past self. That she could curl up in the bed of false silk sheets, brush back her hair and whisper. Whisper of her life now to the broken spirit painted with spots. She would tell herself to hold on, just a little longer.

 

            Don’t worry, Inej. Don’t even worry. You miss the sun so much, but it gets even better than sunshine. Someday, someday soon, you’re going to see the Moon for the first time. It’ll be dim at first, but wait for his clouds to part. Be patient. He’ll let you see. You’ll see the extent of his light, and My Saints, it’ll take your breath away.

 

Freedom will fall in showers and your heart will be carried home on the tide of your own making, with his helping gravity.

 

You’ll know the taste of laughter.

 

You’ll know the sound of happiness.

 

You’ll see the world, for all it is. Dark and bright all at once.

 

You’ll feel so much love. Love that could rumble the earth and shape the clouds.

 

“You did this for me.” Inej finally was able to voice. Her eyes left the papers in front of her and sought Kaz out. His hands were linked in front of him, a piece of jet black hair fell nearly to his eyes, he leaned with his hip against the wall instead of using his cane. His eyes were already searching hers.

 

“You’re crying. What was it? Maybe I should have given this to you back in Ketterdam. I didn’t… I wasn’t trying to bring up…”

 

“Kaz. Stop it.” Inej wiped her tears with the back of her hand and her lips were already falling into a smile. He’d thought she was reminded of the Menagerie. She was, in a way. But not how he thought.

 

These were tears of unrestrained happiness. Happiness she’d felt only a few times, the day Kaz gave her the ship and reunited her with her parents. The day Kaz told her he loved her. Now.

 

It was now because Inej could see it all. She could see a part of the story she hadn’t even been present for. Could see Kaz’s desk lamp burning low as he searched row after row of information on Tante Heleen. His window had been absent of her, yet he worked. Inej had been out on the sea, thinking of him, and he’d been in Ketterdam, thinking of her.

 

This was Kaz expressing his love. In every secret he could wring from his own city streets.

 

Inej stood and set the file down on the bed, she walked to him. He looked down to her, mouth kept closed. She saw worry pass over his eyes in the matter of a blink before he tried to hide it better.

 

Infuriating man.

 

“Kaz. Look at me.” Kaz turned his eyes to meet hers directly at the sound of her voice.

 

“This is perhaps the second best gift I’ve ever gotten. It’s tied with the ship. Thank you.” Inej let the words escape on a whisper as she raised herself on her toes to kiss his jaw.

 

“What’s the first?” Kaz shivered under her touch, but she could read it now. Read him now. Shivers of warmth versus shivers of cold water.

 

“You. You’re the first.” Inej whispered with another kiss.

 

“That won’t do. I must outdo myself.” Kaz ground out with a raspy chuckle. She felt the thunder of his vocal chords under her lips; lips that swept into a smile once more.

 

“Can’t. I’ll never change my mind, Kaz.”

 

“There’s nothing more I could offer?” Kaz laughed again as she continued her kisses to each part of his throat.

 

“Only one thing. But I’ll never tell.” Inej whispered, surprising even herself that she’d said it. There was one thing Inej would ask from him, or hope he’d offer freely. But she wouldn’t allow herself to voice it. She knew it might never happen, and she was okay with it. She’d made peace with it; she didn’t need that wish answered. She loved Kaz for who he was, and that would always be enough. He didn’t need to change a thing.

 

That’s all it was, a wish left over from the heart of a girl that still beat in her chest.

 

Kaz pulled away to look at her, his eyes wide and pupils blown.

 

“Does it include me, at least?” He asked with a hint of concern. Inej didn’t want him to have a single fear. She noted the swallow in his throat and the hint of trepidation in his eyes.

 

“It all includes you, mera chaar. That is the only possible way you could out do yourself, isn’t it?”  Inej laughed.

 

“But you won’t tell me what it is?” Kaz raised a dark brow, his lips hinting at a smirk.

 

Inej knew how much he loved puzzles, she should not have said anything. Saints damn her loose lips.

 

“No.” Inej smirked once with a silent wish that he’d drop it as she moved away to pick up the folder on Heleen from the bed.

 

“I’ll just have to figure it out then. In due time, darling, in due time.” Kaz pushed himself off the wall and Inej could only chuckle. She knew how he felt about the institution. The one wish she’d thought of. He’d never believed in the idea as far as she knew from the quips she’d heard him make about merchers and their wives.

 

The only other thing Inej could ever want from Kaz… was his name. Attached to her own, of course.

 

 

KAZ

 

            “I ran out of ink.” Inej grumbled from across him at the table in their caravan. They’d spent the afternoon in their comfortable silence, working on their own revenge plans, individually, but together. Inej was devouring the file he’d given her on Tante Heleen like her very life depended on it and Kaz had stared at her concentration more than he’d care to admit.

 

            Captain Ghafa sitting on the ground with papers spread around her, wearing her concentration face, was almost as lovely as the face she made when inflicting justice. Kaz had begun compiling his own list of Inej expressions, somewhere along the way.

 

            Kaz looked up from the note he was making about an odd influx of funds on one of Pekka’s brokerage accounts, only to find Inej running her hands through her hair with a large smudge of ink across the bridge of her nose.

 

            “Well, love, I can tell you where all the ink went.” Kaz chuckled, unsuccessful at quelling his amusement.

 

            “On my notes?” Inej quirked her head in seriousness. Her look did not achieve its desired affect with a large black spot provoking only amusement.

 

            “No, on your nose.” Kaz pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and passed it to her. Inej mumbled a ‘thank-you’ with a roll of her eyes. Kaz watched as she smudged the ink further and managed to spread it to her cheeks.

 

            “Did I get it?” Inej looked up after a moment.

 

            “I’d say yes, but this lie would only serve me to be punished later.” Kaz quipped and Inej laughed before standing to walk to the sink to remedy her mess.

 

            “What business with our dear friend Pekka? I haven’t asked since you’ve gotten further in the file.” Inej asked and Kaz heard the tap running in the bathing alcove.

 

            “Not much. He has some odd influxes of income, though. Nothing that seems to resemble a pattern, odd amounts. Never the same, but not seemingly to be interest earned from other accounts, nor to be personal transfers. It’s strange, I feel like I’m missing something.” Kaz answered honestly, it had been bothering him the past few days as he researched Pekka’s finances for an explanation.

 

            Where was he getting the extra money? The Dime Lions had all but collapsed and so had the Sweet Shop and all of its profit. Rollins had several viable investment accounts that involved sugar and spice trading, but it didn’t account for the extra income. Kaz knew Pekka had not left Kerch, but he also didn’t couldn’t decipher what Pekka was accomplishing since his leave from Ketterdam. Every time Kaz allowed his mind to sit on it, he wanted to scream. Not because he thought Pekka had anything planned, nor because Pekka could pose any threat to Kaz at this point, but because Kaz prided himself on knowing it all, before anyone else. He hated feeling a step out of sorts.

 

            “Are they ever on the same day? Each month or week?” Inej pondered as she made her way back to the table, face finally clean.

 

            “No. That was the first pattern I searched for, but it’s all over the place. Not bi-weekly. Not monthly. Not even a deposit quarterly as if for interest. Just random amounts, on random days.” Kaz flipped the sheet over and scoured his notes from previous nights he’d searched.

 

            “What is the range of amounts? Any pattern there? Evens then odds or anything?” Inej asked as she sat back down.

 

            “There’s some from less than a hundred kruge all the way up to eleven thousand. It’s strange. Interest on another account makes most sense, but I have all of his accounts here, I’ve checked every bank in Kerch to make sure I missed none. The random dates bother me, but the amounts are the oddest part.” Kaz mumbled.

 

            “What if it’s a conversion difference? If he gets funds from another country’s currency, maybe he gets the difference in exchange value in a separate deposit, somehow.” Inej mused.

 

            Exchange rate. If he was funneling funds from another country…. It could actually line up. Inej. Treasure of his heart.

 

            “Inej, please, for the love all of your Saints, keep talking dirty to me.” Kaz gaped as he began flipping through the pages, numbers already forming in his head to calculate.

 

            “If it’s Ravkan exchange, it would make sense for it to never be the same amount, given all the fluctuating inflation after the civil war.” Inej beamed.

 

            “You are brilliant. Save your breath, love.” Kaz was grinning. Inej might have solved his problem in a matter of moments. He needed to share his work more often, Kaz decided then and there.

 

His mind was already focused, but his heart hammered her name in a victory chant. Inej speaking about money, fucking glorious. Perfection. Show-stopping.

 

“Save my breath?” Inej raised a brow, a grin on her lips.

 

“You will need it later if this theory of yours proves to be correct, mera nadra.” Kaz said as he pulled out another pen and a fresh sheet of paper to run the calculations on from his notepad. He already had record of all exchange rates from the past twelve months for several countries; thanks to his own holdings listed in his notebook for the Crow Club and his personal stock portfolio.

 

Thank her fucking Saints he’d packed it. His brain had not failed him.

 

“I will? For what?” Inej laughed as she straightened her own notes on the table.

 

“For all of the things I am going to do to you for that beautiful mind of yours.” Kaz answered honestly, already writing down the list of Pekka’s strange deposits.

 

“I should be brilliant more often. Seems I can only benefit.” Inej said in the most flirtatious voice he’d ever heard come from her mouth.

 

“You will benefit, love. I’m a man of my word.” Kaz winked before he turned his head back to his work with new and eager eyes.

 

He didn’t miss the way Inej flushed from her cheeks to her collarbones before she began reading another of her own sheets.

 

This. He wanted this with Inej, every fucking day. What they accomplished individually? No one could deny the power behind it. What they accomplished together? The world would bend under their pressure if they willed it to.

 

Kings and Queens, Inej. There was no doubt. She was his Queen. A Queen of iron-will and copper skin. A Queen of kindness, violence, and justice. A Queen of the worlds purest magic, the kind that ran through spirit rather than blood.

 

A Gravity-defiant Queen of Thieves.

Chapter 73: Hope

Summary:

A new truth uncovered, a plan, a thank-you most profound.

Notes:

Chapter 73!!!

AHHHHHHH. Guys. Okay, so I've held onto this idea for so long and I am seriously so excited for you to read it. It was legitimately one of the hardest chapters (from a technical writing sense) that I've ever written, so I'm sorry if it's not perfect, but I hope you love it all the same. I love every chapter, but this is probably in the top ten. <3

Thank you a million times over, as always. Your support is everything to me and I'll literally never stop saying it. <3

Drop me a comment with your thoughts! I seriously can't wait to hear what you think. Also, it's been a rough week and all of your comments have seriously heightened my days and brought some sunshine to a dreary week and I can't tell you what it means to me. <3

"Welcome to Wonderland" by Anson Seabra. (Kaz's speech, honestly, please listen.)

INEJ

 

            “It’s probably just Mama and Papa wondering if we’re coming to dinner, I didn’t even notice the sun went down.” Inej chuckled as she stood from her floor cushion across from Kaz at the table, their candles had burned low in their mutual concentration. Kaz nodded in acknowledgement, but he was deep in his work, carefully calculating row after row of exchange conversions. It had been hours that they’d spent working, all afternoon and apparently well into the evening. The door had just sounded with a knock and Inej felt guilty that she hadn’t even checked the time for herself and Kaz to make it to her parents caravan for dinner. Inej peeked at Kaz’s time piece over his shoulder as she walked to the door, only seven bells. Not as late as she’d been afraid of.

 

            Inej opened the door to the crisp and clear winter night and saw Mama and Papa both on the steps of their caravan, the soft light from the porch lantern illuminating their golden skin. Just as she had expected. But, to Inej’s surprise, she spied a group of people a few paces down the path, seeming to have been waiting for her to open the door as well.

 

            “Did we miss dinner? We’ve been working on some things we brought to get done from Ketterdam.” Inej smiled and Mama shook her head with a grin.

 

            “No, you didn’t miss dinner. We actually came down to see if you two might be willing to greet some people who would very much like to meet you.” Papa said with a smile and a glance behind him over his shoulder. Inej looked to the group on the path and noticed a suli man and woman she did not recognize, and two small figures behind their legs.

 

            More acrobats?Inej wondered to herself. She heard Kaz rise from his cushion behind her within the caravan.

 

            “Who?” Inej asked as Kaz came to stand beside her in the doorway, he shed a small smile to both of her parents as he joined.

 

            “Two someone’s who were brave enough to drag their parents to our door to ask for you both.” Mama answered and Inej’s breath hitched in her throat.

 

            Parents. Two someone’s young enough that they couldn’t go anywhere without their parents in tow.

 

            Lina and Cara. The girls they’d rescued.

 

            Inej turned her gaze to Kaz, she wasn’t sure he was breathing as he stared over her parents’ shoulders towards the family huddled on the path, a cluster of small lines had shown themselves between his brows and his eyes looked to be somewhere else entirely.

 

They were out of ear-shot of the suli family, thankfully. Inej didn’t want to hurt them with both her own and Kaz’s hesitation.

 

Inej… she wanted to meet them, but she also didn’t. It was different, somehow. Different than those souls she rescued as Captain Inej Ghafa aboard her warship. The scene of this crime had been a caravan that was within walking distance of the very wagon that she herself had been stolen from. Inej wouldn’t know how to answer those little girls’ questions if they wanted to know how she and Kaz had saved them, how they’d become who they were. She didn’t know how she’d be able to accept thanks from their parents as both a Captain, and just as a suli girl who’d lived the fate she’d rescued their daughters from.

 

Inej knew Kaz had his own war waging within. Kaz didn’t know how to accept gratitude from Inej or their closest friends, live alone strangers. She could almost hear Kaz’s thoughts, as if he were whispering in her ear.

 

I’m not a good man, Inej.

 

When everyone knows you’re a monster, there’s no need to do every monstrous thing. But it’s still what I am. There’s no need to accept gratitude for violence and bloodshed. It’s what I am. 

 

Inej knew these things were not true, at least not as Kaz believed them to be. She’d seen his darkness and his light, he was worthy of the gratitude just as much as she was.

 

“Kaz?” Inej turned to face him fully. Even under the weight of her parent’s gazes, Inej would make this decision with him and him alone. Inej would go alone if she needed to, but, she realized, she would go. These little girls were younger by two and four years than when she’d been taken herself, and yet they’d been brave enough to ask their parents to come meet the people who’d rescued them in the midst of their own nightmares. Those who’d saved them from the worst of it.

 

Kaz took a silent breath beside her, but he turned his eyes to her. She read his fear, but she saw only a hesitant and nervous sort of agreement in his eyes. Inej looked back to her parents with a small nod. Kaz reached for her hand, still bare.

 

“Good.” Mama said softly, her lips formed a gentle smile. Mama always had an eye, and Inej could tell her mother had seen their nerves shining through.

 

“I’ll go get them. I think you’re doing the right thing, mera tarre.” Papa grinned to Inej before leaning forward and placing a kiss to her forehead. Inej let her parents’ confidence steel her wavering nerves, she hoped she lent Kaz some of the borrowed strength through their linked hands, too.

 

Kaz dropped her hand after a moment and turned back inside, Inej stole a glance back to him over her shoulder and she saw him pull his coat on over his shirt, his hands already leather clad again.

 

Inej understood. These were strangers. Kaz would wear his gloves.

 

Inej looked back to Mama, whose eyes were on Papa talking with the family down the path. Inej was about to turn back to the caravan to retrieve her own coat when she felt it being draped over her shoulders. Inej managed a smile to Kaz in the face of her fears as she shrugged the sleeves on. His own lips quirked slightly before he reached for her hand once more, raising it up to his lips to lay a kiss to her knuckles. His eyes told her “we’ll be fine”.

 

Papa was walking back toward them and Kaz pulled the door to their caravan shut behind them as they descended the steps so they’d have room to greet the family while still being in the lantern light. Kaz had grabbed his cane and Inej noticed his tight grip on the crow’s skull.

 

As the group approached, Inej noticed a short, heart-shape faced woman, with dark curls cut to her collar bone, a man with long dark brown hair pulled out of his face in a coil on his head, heavy brows and thin features. They both had umber eyes, the woman had a slightly lighter skin tone and beautiful cheekbones that made Inej wonder if she had partial Shu heritage in combination with the obvious suli lineage.

 

Behind the couple, were the small girls that Inej recognized immediately. The slightly younger girl, Lina, had dark black hair that fell in a straight cascade to her shoulders. She wore a light purple dress and tights with snow boots under her jacket that she clutched tight to her chest with one hand, her other hand linked to her sisters own. Cara was beside Lina in a dark green outfit almost identical to her younger sibling’s own ensemble, but her hair was a mop of onyx curls piled on her small head. Beautiful, Inej thought.

 

“Inej, Kaz, this is Mara and Rin Calav.” Mama smiled brightly along with Papa and Inej felt Kaz’s hand tighten in hers as they both nodded in greeting to the parents.

 

“This is our daughter Lina, and this is Cara.” Rin, the girls’ father spoke with glassy eyes as he stepped aside to present the young ones.

 

“Cara should introduce herself, Papa.” Lina smiled shyly, avoiding Inej and Kaz’s eyes as she turned her gaze to her father. Lina’s kerch was thick but she spoke surprisingly well for only a girl of ten, Inej thought. Clearly she’d picked up that they’d have this conversation in kerch rather than suli, to include Kaz as well.

 

“You’re right.” Mara, their mother, smiled and Inej looked to Cara in question, she felt Kaz’s eyes follow her own to the young girl.

 

To Inej’s surprise, Mara knelt before her daughter and used her hands to gesture. It took Inej a moment before she understood what Mara was doing.

 

Cara was deaf. Her mother was signing to her.

 

“My daughter is deaf, but she still wants to introduce herself.” Mara straightened with an encouraging smile to her eldest daughter. Inej felt Kaz drop her hand but she didn’t turn her eyes, making sure the little girl had her full attention. Inej let a smile grip her lips as she nodded in greeting and encouragement.

 

Cara paused with a breath before she met Inej and Kaz’s gaze and made a small series of gestures in what Inej assumed was her name in sign language, she finished with a small and tentative smile to Inej and Kaz before she looked to her sister for strength. Lina’s eyes shined as she signed something to her sister.

 

Inej had been about to ask Mara to instruct her how to sign her own name to Cara, but instead, Inej was shocked to her very core.

 

Kaz Brekker met Cara’s gaze before he dropped in a somewhat stiff crouch before her, one arm still wrapped around his cane to provide extra support, but leaving his hands free.

 

Inej had no idea what he was doing until she saw him remove his gloves and slip them into his pocket in one quick motion.

 

Kaz Brekker began signing to the small girl. A series of three motions that Inej guessed were the letters of his own name.

 

Kaz had taken his gloves off to make sure his signs were unobstructed by the leather.

 

Cara’s eyes brightened like a match first struck in the darkness. A girl who’d found someone else who understood her besides her family.

 

 Kaz… Kaz could use sign language?

 

“Oh my Saints.” The girls’ father whispered to his wife, his tone laced in sheer awe. Both parents beamed, eyes shining.

 

“You know her language!” Lina’s small voice piped up, she bounced with glee as she watched her sister and Kaz.

 

Cara was signing as fast as her little hands could move and Inej watched as Kaz held up a hand with a smile on his face. Inej observed as he mouthed the words following each gesture he made:

 

“Slow down, I’m rusty.” Kaz chuckled and Cara snickered softly as she slowed her signs down for him. Her grin stretched from ear to ear.

 

Inej looked to her parents who were as shocked as she was, adoring smiles plastered to their faces.

 

Inej had never known this about Kaz… he’d always said he knew no other languages besides Kerch… or, Inej realized, he’d just said he didn’t know any of the ones she or Nina or Jesper had ever asked about. Inej had just… she’d assumed. Inej had assumed because he’d never left Kerch or Ketterdam that he’d never had a reason or a chance to learn another language.

 

Inej watched with eyes she knew were as big as the moon above them as Kaz had a conversation all his own with the small girl.

 

Cara had been the girl he’d carried. It seemed the Saints wanted him to meet this young soul in particular.

 

Thank you, Saints. For all he is. For Cara and Lina’s safety. For this exact moment.

 

Inej watched as Cara paused her signing, her grin slipping a bit. Kaz quirked his head and made another motion with his hands, he whispered the words to go with his motions.

 

“Why are you sorry?” Kaz was being gentle. Kind.

 

Rietveld had come out to meet this girl.

 

Cara’s eyes were downcast and Kaz made another sign that Inej assumed was encouragement, as shown by Cara’s small nod and glance to her little sister. Cara made a series of gestures and Inej saw tears welling in the girl’s eyes.

 

“No.” Kaz made a gesture with two of his fingers and his thumb.

 

“Cara, it’s not your fault!” Lina moved up beside her sister and Kaz with a plead and a sign of her own. Inej stole a glance to their parents who looked shocked to see what their daughter had said, Inej didn’t know what Cara thought she was at fault for.

 

“What does she think she did wrong?” Inej whispered to anyone who might be able to answer.

 

“She said she was watching me, and she normally only has to watch for no danger while Mama and Papa are checking the water. This time, she would have been able to hear it. She said she couldn’t protect me because she couldn’t hear and I was asleep. She said it was her fault you had to rescue us.” Lina’s broken little voice answered Inej before anyone else had a chance.

 

Inej’s heart snapped in her chest as she looked back to Kaz and Cara. Mama and Papa looked equally as devastated as Cara and Lina’s own parents.

 

Kaz’s eyes were softer than she’d ever seen, his eyes focused solely on the little girl before him.

 

“You see my cane?” Kaz whispered the words aloud as he signed to Cara. Inej was grateful to know what he’d said. Cara nodded her small head as she wiped away her own tears, her lip wobbled but she kept her face brave as she met Kaz’s eyes dead on.

 

“People see this, they think I’m weak, because of my leg.” Kaz paused his signing with a tap to his bad knee. Inej could barely hear his whisper and she didn’t know if he voiced it for her benefit to understand or to keep track of the sentences he constructed with his hands. Cara’s eyes took in Kaz’s cane and flicked to his leg before she quirked her head in confusion.

 

“I know I’m not weak because of what makes me different. So, I showed others that I’m not weak because of my leg, I made sure they knew it, without a doubt. I made it my advantage, my uniqueness. It was not your fault, Cara. Those slavers would have come anyhow; they could have succeeded even if you’d heard them. Don’t let those evil men dull your shine. Because your uniqueness, your difference from the world, will only serve you if you let it.” Kaz finished with a press of a hand to his chest above his heart, his breath slightly winded on his whisper.

 

Inej felt her ribcage tighten with emotion she couldn’t name even if she tried. Pride. Wonder. Hope. Love. Every single one of them.

 

Kaz was teaching this young suli girl how to treasure what others saw as a disability. Inej knew he’d said something similar to Wylan, once. Jesper had mentioned it and Inej understood now; just how profound the affect Kaz’s words had had on their ginger friend.

 

Kaz had taken his own disability and turned it into a critical part of himself, recognized it as something to use rather than to cower in shame of. Had made it something he wielded as a strength above all else.

 

It was Kaz’s tell, Inej recalled. It was his strength.

 

Cara eyed Kaz carefully, her dark eyes narrowing on his cane, then his face.

 

Then, Cara placed a hand to her own chest, just as Kaz had. She held up her other arm as if to flex her muscle in her bicep.

 

“Strong.” Kaz whispered with a smile before he copied her.

 

Inej was certain of two things.

 

One, that Kaz Brekker was surely one of the wonders of the world that historians had searched for and had been unable to find; because he, like that fire bird Alina Starkov hunted, only chose to show himself. He was not to be found; he was to reveal on his own terms alone.

 

Two, Inej would remember this moment for the rest of her days, years, or decades. This moment would be stored in her chest under golden glass labeled only “treasure”.

 

Inej felt a tug on the hem of her jacket and looked down to see Lina had moved close to her. Inej smiled as she crouched to eye level with Lina.

 

“I woke up, for a second, that night. It’s fuzzy in my head but… you stood in front of us, in that clearing where the bad men were.” Lina whispered as she dug around in her coat pocket. Inej held her breath, she had no idea what to say to Lina, nor how to express that she would have sooner died than let those men get to Lina and her sister that night. Inej managed a nod in her stupor.

 

She felt eyes on her and Lina but Inej couldn’t be bothered to care. The little girl before her was alive and well, and Inej wanted to take the time to memorize her face, the way she did with every person she could manage to rescue.

 

“I… I made this for you. Cara taught me how to tie the knots but I chose the beads. It’s to say thank-you.” Lina shrugged with a shy smile as she passed over a bracelet made of beads and twine. Inej couldn’t fathom how her heart hadn’t stopped beating, how her chest still moved in motions parallel to life.

 

Lina dropped the bracelet in Inej’s hand, it was beads of cerulean and gold and turquoise. Like water. Like the True Sea.

 

“Mama said you sail a boat to save kids like us. I thought maybe that meant you like water.” Lina beamed before she suddenly took the bracelet back, only to slip it over Inej’s wrist instead. Inej was grateful that the girls’ parents had already explained somewhat who she and Kaz were, there was no need to dive in to it.

 

Inej stared down at the gift before she met Lina’s eyes with a smile she could not restrain.

 

“I love the sea.” Inej answered as she enclosed both of Lina’s tiny hands in one of her own, a suli gesture for gratitude of kindness. Lina bounced on her feet as Inej let her hands go, a slight flush bloomed on the little girl’s cheeks.

 

“Cara wants to be an acrobat, like you. She saw you on the wire, once, when she was smaller than me.” Lina blurted suddenly, also making a motion to her sister and a sign Inej assumed meant “acrobat”. Clearly, Lina was breaking a promise to keep silent on a secret of her sisters. Inej deduced as much based on the small frown of dismay and embarrassment on Cara’s face where she stood near Kaz and her parents. Mama and Papa were still nearby, closer to the pines by their caravan, but Inej noticed they’d taken a step back for these moments.

 

“Oh really? And what do you wish to be?” Inej asked Lina.

 

“I want to weave.” Lina said proudly, jutting her chin up in respect for her own dreams.

 

A weaver of silks. An artist’s path. Inej flicked her gaze back to her new bracelet once more.

 

“I’d say you have an eye for color. Maybe I’ll commission you, one day.” Inej said softly and Lina’s eyes widened as she looked over her shoulder to her parents. Her father nodded that he’d heard and her mother’s smile widened. Lina bounced over to her parents with a “told you so” sort of look.

 

“Kaz?” Inej asked as she stepped closer to the group.

 

“Hmm?” Kaz turned his eyes away from Cara, Inej hadn’t realized he’d still been talking to her, Inej’s cheeks warmed at her rude interruption and it must have caught Cara’s attention because the girl shook her head as if to convey “no worries.”

 

“Can you ask Cara if she’s begun acrobat training yet?” Inej whispered with a glance to her parents to make sure it was alright to bring up.

 

Inej was unsure if they had let their daughter begin to learn or if they were concerned with her hearing impairment on the wire. It would be a hard thing to overcome, not being able to hear if you had a partner on the wire who was responsible for your life, but Inej had an idea.

 

Her parents both nodded slowly, clearly nervous about talk of their daughter training, but willing to find out where Inej intended to go with this. Inej valued their worry and their open-mindedness in equal measure. They were only human parents, concerned for their daughter.

 

Kaz asked Cara silently and Cara’s eyes flicked to her parents subtly before she shook her head slowly. Inej noticed Lina watching her older sister with bright eyes, as if she could will confidence into her sibling.

 

“Can you ask her if she’s available the next few days in the morning?” Inej whispered with another glance to her parents. They both nodded that their daughter would be free, but Inej wanted this to be Cara’s choice.

 

Kaz asked and Cara’s eyes shot to Inej, a tentative hope burning low in her gaze before she nodded eagerly, eyes flicking back and forth between Kaz and Inej.

 

“Ask her if she’d be willing to train, with me. I have an idea that might help to allow her to train with the others that my father teaches, once I’m gone. If she’s willing to trust me, and to work hard.” Inej let her lips form a smile, she didn’t miss the wide eyes of Mara and Rin, but their eyes only spoke of hope for their daughter, hope that had replaced the fear.

 

Kaz looked at Inej then, his eyes wide in surprise. The dimple showed in the smile that flowed onto his face.

 

The dimple. Every damn time. Her stomach flipped as she made a “go on” motion for Kaz to ask. He ripped his eyes from her slowly to turn back to Cara.

 

Lina made a tiny squeal from beside her parents, her eyes on her sister but her feet bouncing and ready to release excitement.

 

Kaz asked and Cara’s eyes widened as she looked up to Inej then to her sister. Lina signed to her sister and pointed to Inej with what could only be described as the equivalent of a “no bullshit” attitude. Inej swallowed her chuckle at the fire in Lina’s eyes as they narrowed on her sister. One sister was clearly more outgoing.

 

“Yes, a thousand times, yes.” Kaz translated the motion Cara made with her hands over and over again. A raspy chuckle escaped his lips at Cara’s enthusiasm.

 

Then, Cara, a twelve-year-old suli girl, rolled her eyes and stuck her tongue out at Kaz Brekker. Bastard of the barrel. Dirtyhands of Ketterdam.

 

 Kaz Brekker repeated the little girls’ antics right back to her.

 

Inej’s heart surely couldn’t be any lighter. It was already far above the clouds. A laugh escaped her lips and Kaz threw a glare lacking any of the desired ire in her direction.

 

 Kaz Brekker was only more surprising each and every Saint’s damned day. It was an adventure that would never end, if Inej Ghafa had anything to say about it.

 

“Lina?” Inej turned toward the other girl.

 

“Yes, Miss Ghafa?” Lina came to stand directly in front of Inej once more.

 

“First off, Inej, please. I’m not old yet.” Inej paused with a laugh. “Next, would you mind coming to your sister’s training sessions to help interpret with Kaz, over the next few days? I would be most grateful since I’m the shevrati in this language.” Inej smiled and Lina grinned with an eager nod.

 

“Then tomorrow, we begin.” Inej turned to Cara and Inej saw Kaz make the motions to her.

 

Inej hadn’t expected the girl to run, but Cara launched and crashed into her middle with a hug only reminiscent of gratitude, of excitement.

 

Inej looked to Kaz from above Cara’s hug and she mouthed what she wanted. Kaz showed her the motion behind Cara’s back. Once Cara pulled away, Inej crouched and made only one gesture as she met the girl’s eyes.

 

            “You’re welcome.”

 

           

 

 

 

Notes:

I NEVER PUT NOTES AT THE END BUT I HAD TO THIS TIME.

I wanted Kaz to come out to speak another language, unexpectedly. Since almost all the other crows do, I always thought it would be so interesting and then I had this idea and I thought it was beautiful and and and... I hope you guys love it. I promise you'll find out how/why he learned. <3 Feel free to discuss with me in the comments too! I just seriously hope you love it. <3

Chapter 74: A Second First

Summary:

A story. A memory, revised.

Notes:

Chapter 74!!!

AHHH. Here it is! I loved writing this chapter so much, and I really hope you all love it, too! <333 That's all I'll say.

Thank you for all of the support, as always, treasures! <3

Let me know what you think in the comments! I seriously live to know what you guys think/feel/hope for/critiques. Your comments seriously have such an impact on me and I love chatting with you all, even if i don't get back right away! Anyways, hope ya'll love it!<333

"Kids Again" by Artist Vs. Poet (When Kaz talks about the past, you'll see what I mean)

KAZ

 

            “We’ll bring some food down for you both, we’re going to see your uncle tonight, unless you’d like to join us?” Inej’s mother said as they watched the family and the young girls walking down the path toward the heart of Aska Vasman. Kaz and Inej had just endured the awkward part of the evening, the gratitude from Lina and Cara’s parents. Kaz had tried his best. He didn’t know if he came off as rude when he’d said “don’t mention it” but he’d felt out of sorts. The easiest part of the night had been conversing in sign language with Cara, the girl had more spark than she’d let on to everyone else.

 

            Kaz liked Cara, she reminded him of himself as a young boy.

 

Jordie had been outspoken and driven and fearless; much like Cara’s own sibling, Lina. Kaz had been the sibling who’d taken longer to open up when their Da had invited friends to the house, or when a new student had been introduced to their tutoring classes out in the countryside. Kaz had been pleasantly surprised to find his hands still remembered the silent language, that his brain had retained the memory after so many years of disuse. Kaz loved the language, just as he had when he’d learned it as a child.

 

Kaz stood by the idea that he could easily sew almost everyone’s lips shut and be beside himself in contentedness. Kaz thought that more members of all society should learn the language, it could be universal if only people bothered to enrich and open their minds.

 

Kaz silently hoped Inej would say no to her mother’s inquiry. It was not that Kaz didn’t wish to know her Uncle better, it was only that he wasn’t sure he could handle the questions her parents would surely raise at dinner about when and how he’d learned sign language. It was one thing to speak of Jordie’s existence, it was another to speak of Jordie as his brother was. To talk about who he was. Kaz also knew Inej would ask, but he was ready to answer to her. Only to her. Alas, Kaz would go if Inej wanted to have dinner with her family, he wouldn’t blame her in the slightest. They had less than a week left in Ravka and would be departing to Os Kervo in only five days’ time; they’d stay in an inn in Os Kervo for their last night in order to board their returning ship to Kerch at seven bells the next morning.

 

They also had a certain brothel and a cloaked figure to stalk before they left Ravkan soil, but that was beside the point.

 

“Oh, you don’t have to bring us anything, if you tell us where food is, we can go fetch it. I’ll lock the door when we leave, is that alright? I want to see Uncle Rajesh but tonight proved to be… tiring. And now I have more training ahead of me, bright and early.” Inej treaded on her words with gentle feet, a budding smile on her lips. Kaz could tell she didn’t want to admit to her parents how much of an emotional toll meeting those girls had been, how much Inej felt in those moments when she realized she’d saved yet more souls from the fate she’d endured. She couldn’t hide it from Kaz, he’d noticed how she took in the details of each girl’s face, how she rolled her shoulders back when Rin and Mara had thanked them.

 

Kaz saw it all in her dark eyes, another silent language Kaz had found over the years. One only he and Inej spoke. 

 

“Of course, little girl.” Sharya smiled with a kiss to Inej’s cheek.

 

“Kaz?” Kahir asked and Kaz looked to Inej’s father, pulling himself from his whirlpool of thoughts.

 

“Yes?” Kaz responded as he met Kahir’s gaze, the man had a smile on his face as he took another glance over Kaz’s shoulder down the path where the family had just disappeared around the bend. Kaz heard Sharya explaining to Inej what was available food-wise stored for them in the Ghafa caravan.

 

“That girl will remember what you said to her for the rest of her life. I just wanted you to know that.” Kahir clamped a hand over Kaz’s shoulder before he reached for his wife’s hand and bid goodnight to both Kaz and Inej.

 

Kaz found himself watching Kahir and Sharya’s silhouettes fade down the pine bordered path, shocked that Kahir Ghafa had said almost the same exact sentence to him that his own Da had said to Jordie once, so very long ago. Kaz had heard his father’s voice echoed for the first time in a decade, from a suli man who raised the woman he loved.

 

“Are you well?” Inej whispered from behind him as he let Kahir’s words fold neatly into the cabinets of his decrepit heart. Kaz managed a nod once he could no longer see Inej’s parents from where they stood just before their caravan. Kaz reached a hand out behind him and Inej’s palm slid into his and their fingers entwined.

 

Inej always understood, somehow. She understood as she stayed next to him for what could have been only moments, or maybe minutes, her silence mixing with his as easily as water color bled into parchment. Inej was steady and patient as he let the fresh air coat his lungs and the emotions wash over him without his usual tide breakers in place. She would not ask what he thought now, she would only be a presence. His loadstone of strength and unabashed kindness.

 

            “Dinner?” Inej asked after some time. Kaz took one more deep breath and flicked his gaze up to the sky, it was clear, and stars twinkled brightly above him.

 

Maybe, if Kaz was religious, he’d think his Da had been the star he swore winked.

 

“Yes, we can’t have you getting hungry. You get cranky.” Kaz said lightly as he finally turned his head to meet Inej’s eyes. His joke earned him a smack on his bicep and a chuckle as Inej trotted up the stairs of their caravan to blow out their lanterns and grab one of their keys to lock up while they were away.

 

While Inej was gone, Kaz let one thought escape his mind, he sent it out into the ether of the universe, where maybe, if Inej was right in her beliefs, the message would be received.

 

I still remember you too, Da. I miss you.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            “Make yourself comfortable,” Inej chirped as she moved about her parents’ caravan, lighting some of the lamps so they’d be able to see while they got their dinner. Kaz shrugged off his coat and hung it on the hook by the door as he took in the warmth of the Ghafa family caravan. It wasn’t as odd as Kaz expected it to be, being here without Inej’s parents. Perhaps it was because it was also Inej’s space, once. She clearly felt comfortable enough to pry through spice jars on her mothers’ countertop, comfortable enough to toss her own jacket to the small bed in the alcove near the door. Kaz felt for a moment like he was looking into the past, Inej home alone and going about her business; or maybe an alternate version of what her life could have been if she’d never been taken to Kerch and sold into slavery.

 

            “Was this yours?” Kaz stepped into the small alcove with the bed Inej had tossed her coat on. It was not really a room, but it had a small dresser and the bed, a smattering of multi colored cushions lining it. There were curtains on a rod to be shut for privacy behind him. It was then that Kaz noticed.

 

On top of the dresser, there was the book. A copy of the book he had hallowed out for his card box, back in his attic in Ketterdam. The book he’d never read, the one that had belonged to his brother. Inej had said her father read it to her, and now, so many months later, Kaz stood in front of her own copy, in her parents’ caravan, all the way in Ravka.

 

“The bed? Yes. I suppose that room, if you’d call it that.” Inej laughed from somewhere in the kitchen area behind him. Kaz nodded as he traced a finger over the spine of the book, he noticed a ribbon still held the place of Inej and her father’s last read through, perhaps from long before Inej had been taken. Kaz couldn’t force himself to open the book and find out where they’d stopped, though. Kaz never wanted to read the book himself, Jordie took up that mantle in his heart. Kaz supposed he couldn’t, even if he wanted to. This version was printed in Ravkan, not Kerch.

 

Kaz tore his eyes away from the book and was poised to walk back out to Inej when he spied a balancing stick leaning against the dresser in the small space between the wood and the wall. Kaz remembered the story of Inej as a little girl, practicing with sticks far too big for her. Kaz plucked up the stick and noticed the scuffs and wear-marks, noticed how it only extended to half his body length. Inej had been so small as a child if she’d used this stick.

 

It was barely longer than his cane for Ghezen’s sake.

 

“Oh no, you found that? Prodding around my old room, are we?” Inej chuckled from behind him and Kaz threw her a crooked grin over his shoulder as he gently leaned the stick back into its spot.

 

“I tried for a scandalous diary, darling, but I realized I can’t read suli. So, I’ll just have to pry the heinous secrets of your youth out one by one.” Kaz quipped as he turned to Inej.

 

“I never kept a diary, so, really, it just sucks to be you I suppose.” Inej grinned, leaning her hip against the wall.

 

“What are we having for food? Can I help?” Kaz mused with a last look around Inej’s childhood space.

 

“I’m heating up some chicken and rice Mama had made for us. No need to help, very simple.” Inej said, her eyes taking in the same space, Kaz realized, that she’d also been stolen from. The bed beside him was where she’d been dragged from. Kaz felt rage swell in his chest even though it would do him no good now.

 

Kaz saw it all in a brief flash of her eyes, saw pain untethered as Inej glanced to a nick in the wooden floor by the foot of the bed. She’d said she hit her head, hard, as they pulled her out of bed.

 

Kaz wanted to scream, but it was his turn to be the strength beside his girl. So, Kaz buried his rage for future revenge plots and opted instead to distract Inej, to pull her from the void with careful hands.

 

“I thought you weren’t allowed near a stove or hot plate for cooking.” Kaz smirked as he stepped forward, a smile already returning to Inej’s lips.

 

“Mama said the exception could be made only because you would supervise.” Inej snorted, rolling her eyes dramatically.

 

“Then I better come observe, love. Don’t want the wagon to burn down and have your parents decide I’m not allowed near a stove either. How would we feed ourselves if we didn’t exclusively eat take-out in Ketterdam?” Kaz pondered as he moved past her in the entry way of the alcove, pausing only to brush his lips to Inej’s temple on his way toward the main living area.

 

“Fucking hell, ‘Nej!” Kaz sputtered, noticing smoke on the fry pan on the hot plate above the stove. He leaned his cane against the wall and plucked up a towel to bat away the smoke.

 

Inej was laughing behind him and as he approached the stove, he realized the pan was empty, save for the sizzle of cooking oil.

 

It was supposed to smoke slightly, Kaz realized.

 

“You could have warned me.” Kaz chuckled as he picked up the bottle of oil Inej had left near the stove and he added more to coat the pan.

 

“I wanted to trick you into going over there. Mama actually said, and I quote, ‘Kaz is the only one allowed to handle anything in my kitchen, Inej.’” Inej was beside herself in giggles and Kaz couldn’t help the laugh that ripped from his throat.

 

“She assumed I know how to cook anything? Even just to heat it?” Kaz mumbled through his laughter, despite that Sharya had been correct. Kaz had always volunteered to help Da cook as a small boy. He was no chef, barely passable, but perhaps a more suitable option than his cooking-impaired lover behind him.

 

“I think she just assumed every barrel-boss slaves in a kitchen and has plenty of free time to master the culinary arts.” Inej jested and he felt the brush of her hand on his lower back, a tentative question for permission to touch him. Kaz leaned back slightly into her hand with a laugh as she wrapped her arms around his waist, peeking around his shoulder to watch as he added the chicken and vegetables into the sizzling pan from the container she had set out. Inej linked her own hands around his stomach as he grabbed a wooden spatula from the rack Sharya had next to the stove.

 

“Mama was right. You were the better choice.” Inej mumbled into his shirt as she inspected his movements with curious eyes.

 

“I assume you’re here and latched onto me in order to take up the mantle of testing our food for poison?” Kaz quipped and he felt her chest move in a chuckle against his back.

 

“Always. You’d find a way to remedy me quicker than I would you. It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make, mera chaar.” Inej laid a kiss to his arm through his shirt sleeve, letting one of her hands attempt to sneak past him to pluck a piece of potato out of the pan. He batted her hand away with the spatula and she groaned in dismay.

 

“Patience, darling.” Kaz set the spatula aside and lifted Inej’s arms from around his waist so he could turn to her, the potato she’d tried to thieve was between his fingers, held before her.

 

“For me?” Inej opened her mouth dramatically and Kaz dropped it to her with a smirk at her satisfied “hmm” of contentment.

 

“No poison, I’ll have to eat the rest to be sure. I do this for you, Kaz.” Inej mocked with a hand over her heart. Kaz was lost, for a moment, in the fact that he was cooking dinner for Inej, without a care in the world.

 

Maybe, there were some parts of normal that suited them after all.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

            “You don’t have to tell me now, but will you promise to tell me how you learned that language?” Inej asked as they both finished up their meal. They’d sat in their comfortable silence, both content to eat and simply sit amongst each other’s company.

 

            Kaz had known the question would come, in fact, he’d expected it even a little sooner than now. Kaz was not nervous in the face of Inej, Inej was the exception. He wanted Inej to know him, if he was brave enough to be honest. He wanted Inej to know him the way he wanted to know all of her.

 

            In Kaz’s silence, Inej began piling up their dishes to take to the sink. Kaz would tell her now, he decided. He stood and gathered up the remaining utensils and followed Inej to where she now stood at the kitchen sink basin, tap running, dish brush in hand.

 

            “You wash, I’ll dry.” Kaz said as he came to stand beside her, Inej flashed him a small smile with a nod and she flicked her eyes to a towel for him to use that was folded over the dish rack. They began the meditation with their forks and knives first, Inej washing diligently before passing them over so he could polish and dry. Kaz forced knots out of his throat and took a breath, letting their task soothe the last stray pieces of his armor into submission.

 

            “I learned when I was seven, and practiced until I was nine. I’ve used it scarcely since then, but clearly it retained.” Kaz began and he knew Inej was listening, her hair caught the dim light of the lantern hanging above them and Kaz focused on her silent understanding.

 

            “There was a girl, Lilly, who lived on a farm several miles away from ours. She was the daughter of our tutor, Jordie and I’s. So she came for lessons with her mother to our house. Lilly was deaf, but her mother knew the language, so as our teacher instructed Jordie and I in kerch, she signed for her daughter. Lilly was Jordie’s age, older than me. So Jordie and Lilly had the same lessons at the same time, while I had slightly different tasks that Miss Arbor assigned.” Kaz paused with a swallow as he shined one of the plates and laid it gently in the dish rack.

 

            “Jordie liked Lilly, even though he didn’t know how to talk to her. Lilly could read lips a little bit, but not much. So, Jordie asked Miss Arbor to teach him some of the basic signs; hello, thank-you, yes/no, things like that. After Jordie began using the signs with Lilly, he pulled me into his arms after our lessons one morning and told me he was done for. He asked me if I’d seen her smile. I didn’t quite understand, but my brother was so happy that I couldn’t help but lie and say I had.” Kaz laughed softly and he caught the glimpse of a smile on Inej’s lips as she passed over one of their rice bowls.

 

Kaz found himself wanting to continue this story. It was… maybe it wasn’t completely awful to talk about his brother in lights that shined outside of tragedy.

 

“Jordie told me if he was going to marry Lilly, he’d need to know how to talk to her. I’m pretty sure I looked at him like he’d grown another head because he was eleven and nowhere near being an adult like our Da but he kept grinning and I conceded to his plan to learn the language because he’d need someone to practice with and our Da was too busy running the farm. He was also my best friend and I… well I was a boy who wanted to spend as much time with my older and braver brother as I could.” Kaz let a smile slip onto his lips at the memory of Jordie’s grin when he would watch Lilly walk with her mother down the path toward their house each morning for lessons.

 

You had a dimple too, Jordie.

 

“Jordie asked our Da for a book for his birthday, a book on sign language. Our Da had only laughed and said he’d see what he could get his hands on. When Jordie’s birthday rolled around a month later, Da had bought him three books on the language. We didn’t have much money, but our Da said it was worth it if his two sons were intent on learning another language.” Kaz dried the spatula over and over again, lost in the memory until he felt a little nudge in his arm from Inej who was waiting to hand over a plate. Kaz shook his head and took it, he felt her eyes land on him but he didn’t turn yet.

 

“So, every day after lessons, during our lunch time before we started our chores to help Da with the farm, Jordie and I would eat our sandwiches on the porch and practice copying the motions displayed in the drawings of the signs in the books. We’d try and have conversations until one of us got confused. It became a rule; we couldn’t talk during lunch unless it was in sign. We could only hold our hands up if we had to look in the books for something.” Kaz chuckled softly at the memory. Jordie would glare when Kaz accidentally slipped up and mouthed his words, clearly, based on his conversation with Cara, he’d never completely broken the habit.

 

Maybe he’d begun learning his glares from Jordie, too.

 

“Jordie and I practiced until we could sign to each other almost fluently. Once, it’s how we got away with sneaking some caramels Da left on the counter. I told Jordie silently when to move and he signed when he’d gotten them and I could stop distracting our Da.” Kaz chuckled and he heard a laugh escape Inej’s lips. Kaz dried the pan and then folded the towel over the dish rack as she washed her hands. Their task was complete.

 

“Did Jordie use it with Lilly?” Inej asked softly as she turned to look at him, her eyes were bright and open and Kaz didn’t know how a small story of his childhood had earned the smile on her lips. It was the kind of smile he’d die to earn again.

 

No, it was the kind of smile he’d remember to live for. Kaz knew that, now.

 

“He did. I think Lilly was the hardest part of leaving the farm, for Jordie. He’d been convinced until the day we had to leave that it was still her. Her that he’d marry in the end. I was nine and thought he was insane, but then again, Jordie didn’t lie. I think he might have actually done it, if he’d lived. I saw Lilly’s smile despite the fact that they were thirteen and none the wiser of the world. He didn’t say goodbye, but he drew her a note and sent it in the post. I say ‘drew’ because he drew a hand signing, instead writing down letters. Even if he was far from an artist. That’s what he did our last night on the farm.” Kaz had to force the words out; this part was hard.

 

The idea of the life his brother could have had, that part… Kaz didn’t think voicing that part would ever get easier, no matter how much progress he made.

 

“That’s the second most romantic thing I’ve ever heard of.” Inej smiled softly as she began to put away the utensils they’d washed into a drawer.

 

“My brother would have loved you for saying that, but now I have to know the first so I can take that title away.” Kaz chuckled.

 

“The first is already your title.” Inej answered seriously and Kaz’s jaw dropped slightly, she had to be joking.

 

“My ship.” Inej responded to his confusion with laugh of her own.

 

“Oh.” Kaz said dumbly. He hadn’t thought of that as romantic, he’d thought of it as the right thing to do. He’d thought of it as… of what Inej deserved. What remained of his soul had demanded it with an iron fist.

 

Inej deserved nothing short of the world, and if he couldn’t offer her that on a platter, he could offer her the means to travel the world on her own accord.

 

“Kaz, it’s a little late for you to decide it was not a romantic gesture.” Inej scoffed and Kaz couldn’t help but grin crookedly.

 

“What did Jordie’s note say to Lilly?” Inej asked now, head quirked in question.

 

Kaz smiled, remembering.

 

“‘I’ll see you again. Even in the end, I’ll see you again.’ It’s a lyric, from a song our Da used to sing sometimes. Our mother’s favorite song, apparently.” It wasn’t lost on Kaz that maybe Jordie had foretold his own future, but Kaz hoped, despite his beliefs of no after life, that his brother would see the girl he’d begun to fall in love with again. Kaz knew it was a false hope, but he also knew if he himself was without Inej… that small flickering hope might be the only thing that kept him standing. He couldn’t allow himself to think on it further.

 

“I love that.” Inej said simply with a grin. Inej opened a cabinet for the plates and Kaz saw her freeze as she stared within.

 

“What is it?” Kaz took a step around Inej to peer into the cabinet for himself.

 

Inside, hanging from a ribbon of sapphire silk, was a bundle of wild geraniums, despite the winter, the blooms were fresh.

 

“Oh, Papa.” Inej whispered as she traced a finger over the blushing blooms.

 

“This would be the third most romantic thing. I’ve seen it my whole life.” Inej smiled fondly and Kaz tipped his head in askance as Inej looked to him.

 

“Papa has Nani grow the flowers year round in her Caravan, to keep them from the cold. He hides them around the wagon for Mama to find, so she never has to go without the world smelling like summer.” Inej whispered once more as she delicately slipped the plates onto the shelf, careful not to knock the petals of the flowers.

 

Kaz would take notes from Kahir Ghafa, he decided.

 

Kaz matched her smile with one of his own before he moved away.

 

Inej finished putting the dishes away as Kaz shrugged on his coat and brought hers to her. Kaz heard Inej blow out the lanterns as he opened the front door and took a step out onto the porch of the Ghafa caravan. He turned when he didn’t sense Inej following him, Inej was frozen in place a few steps from the doorway, looking at him with an odd expression on her face.

 

“Inej? What’s wrong?” Kaz tried.

 

Inej shook her head, as if to brush off a thought. Kaz wanted to know what it had been, the expression on her face was one he’d never seen before.

 

“Tell me.” Kaz rasped.

 

“I… It’s just odd. Seeing you standing there. I… when I imagined my life, as a young girl, it was always standing there. On the porch in the lantern light. It was always there that I would imagine I’d have my first kiss, like one of those scenes in a novel or something. I… I don’t know why I remembered. Instead I was dragged down those stairs to have that taken away from me.” Inej stuttered, voice fracturing as she moved to lock the door from the inside.

 

Kaz knew that this was one of the things Inej hated most about her own tragedy; these firsts that had been taken from her. Inej had been Kaz’s first kiss, but he knew, in a literal sense, he’d not been hers. Kaz couldn’t change that fact for her, if he could, he’d have already done it.

 

But, Kaz could do something, he decided.

 

“Come here, please.” Kaz said as Inej pulled the door shut and stepped out onto the porch with him, their breaths puffing in the cold air.

 

Kaz paused before he stepped directly in front of her and grabbed hold of her gaze with his eyes. He saw confusion behind her irises but she stepped closer to him when he gently pulled on the front of her coat.

 

Kaz brought both hands, free of leather, up to her bronze cheeks, her skin was warm and soft under his hands. Her eyes held his as he leaned down to her, he tilted her chin to him slightly.

 

Kaz brushed his lips against hers, gentle yet firm. He willed as much love as he could possibly conjure into that kiss. Inej had to know, she had to. Their first kiss, every kiss in between then and this one, those were the ones that mattered. He couldn’t rewrite history, but he could offer her a new memory on this porch in the lantern light.

 

He’d offer her a thousand more kisses like this, every day, for the rest of their lives if she would accept him.

 

It was a kiss to beginnings, a kiss of life.

 

 

INEJ

 

            Inej would always consider the kiss on the porch, her second first kiss. Her real first, had been on the docks before her second voyage with Kaz Brekker. The kiss on the porch, that kiss had been from Kaz Rietveld.

 

            They were with the same boy. The boy she’d begun falling for at fourteen, somehow. It had taken them years to get here, and Inej couldn’t be more proud.

 

            Inej believed Kaz’s brother, Jordie, had known the truth when he spoke of Lilly, just as Inej knew it now.

 

            She knew Kaz was it. Kaz was everything she’d never imagined, everything she’d have never been able to dream of. Kaz was impossibility incarnate, right in front of her.

 

            Kaz pulled away and made a sign in the silent language as he held her eyes, he still formed the words with his lips in a whisper.

 

            “I love you.”

Chapter 75: Remedies

Summary:

A training session, a question, a promise of a show.

Notes:

Chapter 75!!!

Ahhh okay guys, this one is slower paced, but it's leading up to a couple things in the last few chapters for this "season" and also... I just wanted to write these moments. I know it's been a little more slow going the past few chapters, but I always intended to show the big things in small moments when I started this story, especially with the suli caravans. Anyways, I really hope you guys love it and are excited for this "season" finale! We're almost there and I literally can't wait to throw it at you all. We have three or so chapters left, if that, so get ready!<33

ALSO, I had way less time to edit this time around so please please forgive any mistakes or if it's not as good. I just wanted to share it with you guys because I am so so so ready for whats coming up. <3

Thank you as always, love bugs!

Drop me a comment with your thoughts and if you have any ideas for what you think is coming up! I love your comments so much and I promise I'll get back even if it takes me a few days. <33 I always try and be as quick as I can (which is still slow) but be patient with me! <3

INEJ

 

            “There’s a package here for you?” Kaz said from the front door of their caravan. They were heading to train with Cara in half a bell. Inej had just returned from a much needed run with Khalid to shower and change; she knew she could have foregone the shower as she was about to sweat again, but Inej found herself wanting to be as fresh as she could be for the young acrobat.

 

            Inej stepped out of the bathing alcove to peek around the corner at Kaz, there hadn’t been anything in front of their door when Inej returned, only twenty minutes’ prior. Sure enough, Kaz had a box in his hands as he shut the door, Inej’s name was scrawled on the lid.

 

            Inej wrapped the towel tighter around her chest so her hands would be free and marched toward the mysterious box. Inej didn’t miss the way Kaz’s eyes silently traced her towel-clad body before he moved to gather a towel and clothes for after his own shower.

 

            Inej picked up the lid of the box and cast it aside as she inspected the inside of the box, tissue paper with an envelope was all Inej saw first. Inej ripped open the note:

 

            Inej-

 

            You needed more than those leggings from Ketterdam if you’re going to train on the wire. I bought these while we were in Ketterdam, so you’ll have new things for when you return home as well. I knew how much you’ve decided to favor black, but I added something with some color. Tell your avri that I will convert him with one silk tie at a time, but he’ll wear color again, too.

 

            Your father and I will stop by the tents, later. What you’re doing for that girl makes me so proud.

 

            -Mama

 

            Inej paused and re-read the note, a grin already unfolding over her lips. Inej set the letter aside and removed the tissue from the box. Within, Inej found two pairs of new black leggings, the same material she favored both as a Wraith and as an acrobat. There were two tops to match of the same material, long sleeved but cropped to hit just above her leggings. Inej had needed new clothes, desperately. It wasn’t that Inej didn’t have the funds or the time when she was in Ketterdam, or any other port city for that matter, it was just Inej never really thought of it until it was too late or she was too busy. Inej had never particularly been a girl for shopping and perusing.

 

            Inej’s heart ached as she thought of the last time she’d actually been dragged through shops. It had been with Nina, even before the Ice Court. It felt so long ago, longer than the near two years. It felt like a lifetime had passed, so much had changed. Had it really been that long since she’d watched Nina lay on the dead-boat beside Matthias’s still form?

 

            I’ll hear from her soon. I have to. Or I’ll take my ship and go on the hunt for her with waffles as my bait.

 

            “’Nej?” Kaz’s voice called out to her and Inej hadn’t sensed him approaching. She hadn’t even recognized the wetness on her cheeks as she stared at her new leggings in her hands.

 

            Inej just missed her friend. The one girl Inej had laughed with about idiot boys and shared heaps of whipped cream with on the balcony of the House of the White Rose. The girl who’d healed her body and healed her soul when she’d needed a feminine comrade on more than one occasion.

 

            It was true, Inej had made other friends. Greer and Quin on her crew. Inej had Jes and Wylan and now she’d been reunited with her oldest friend, Khalid. Inej had Kaz, who was so much more than her friend, but he was also her best friend. None of them were Nina, though. Inej hadn’t gotten to tell Nina how Kaz Brekker bought her a ship, how he’d held her hand in the light of day and shattered her belief that anything was impossible. Inej could almost hear Nina Zenik’s snort of laughter as she’d say “about damn time”.

 

            “Are you alright?” Kaz was before her now, across the small table where Inej stood with her gift from Mama. Clearly, he’d noticed the wetness on her cheekbones, her vice grip on the fabric in her hands. His voice was laced in a concern Inej could recognize now, a tone he used only with her.

 

            “Yes, I’m fine.” Inej tried for a laugh that came out as a sniffle as she wiped her cheeks with the back of a hand. Kaz eyed Inej and then the clothes in the box in front of her.

 

            “I thought most girls liked clothes, I didn’t think it made them cry. You’re an odd one, Inej darling.” Kaz said lightly, already moving toward her, he brushed her damp hair over her shoulder, Inej noticed his gloves were on. It was only until her skin and hair had dried from her shower, Inej realized. He’d wanted to be able to touch her anyways, despite her wet hair and now, eyes.

 

            “No, it wasn’t the gift. Mama left me new clothes, she bought them while we were still in Ketterdam and I guess when they found out we’d be joining them back in Ravka, she waited to give them to me.” Inej said as she folded the leggings and spotted the color that Mama had mentioned underneath the outfits of black. The last set in the box, was of a lavender color, the same material and cuts of the fabric, but brighter. Inej smiled as she traced a finger over the fabric, she knew the color would suit her skin tone already. Mama always had an eye for that sort of thing. Inej would wear this outfit today, maybe as a testament to Nina who always told Inej what hues she thought would suit Inej’s coloring, just like Mama.

 

            “What was it then, that did this?” Kaz questioned from beside her as a leather covered finger removed drops from her cheeks in gentle motions.

 

            “I miss Nina.” Inej answered honestly on a release of breath, her exhale shook slightly. Inej glanced to Kaz as he slipped his hand around her waist gently, turning her to face him. His arms linked around her waist as he held her eyes.

 

            “I’m sure Zenik misses you, too. We’ll hear from her. When we go back to Ketterdam, do you want me to try writing Sturmhond? If he could find your parents, I’m sure we can find Nina. Nina’s much more outspoken. We can leave sugar trails for her to follow all the way back to the Van Eck mansion.” Kaz chuckled and Inej’s lips formed a smile as she leaned her head forward into his chest, he was protected from her damp hair by his shirt. Her laugh followed his as she inhaled the scent of smoky cinnamon and the still present hint of bourbon on his shirt. Home surrounded her and made Inej feel just a little better.

 

            Only Kaz was capable of this, Inej thought. It was his confidence in all things he said and did that allowed her heart to believe in him, even when in despair. If Kaz believed they’d find Nina, they’d find Nina.

 

            “I’ll think about it. Thank you.” Inej whispered and Kaz answered with a squeeze of her waist before he let her go to take his shower.

 

            Inej glanced back at the lavender ensemble and dropped her towel. She wanted to train Cara, and she needed to clear her mind of all other things. Inej rolled her shoulders back and got ready, letting her heart settle with a trajectory of promise.

 

She’d be back in the sky, soon enough.  

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

KAZ

 

            “I can’t believe that my sister is up there.” Lina’s small voice came from beside Kaz as they watched Inej and Cara on what was considered a “low-wire”. Kaz estimated it was about twelve feet in the air, and Inej had pulled some sort of mats from the back of the practice tent to underneath the wire. When Kaz had quirked a brow, prepared to bring up the net incident, Inej had beat him to it.

 

            “She’s never been on a wire higher than six feet, she needs to learn to fall, first and foremost. It won’t serve her to fall and break a bone on the ground. Besides, Mr. Brekker, I said Ghafa’s don’t perform with a net. Never said anything about anyone else.” She smirked and Kaz was left with the image of her braid flipping over her shoulder and a proud strut as she walked away.

 

            A strut he’d noticed due to her new light purple leggings and shirt that only acted to accentuate her body in smooth curves. Kaz wanted to groan when they’d left their caravan. Inej had known what she’d done to him when she winked as she locked the door that he so desperately wanted to open right back up and carry her through.

 

            “She’s in good hands.” Kaz answered to Lina. The little girl was sitting on a stool beside where he stood, her feet over a foot from touching the ground as she swayed her legs giddily. Lina and himself had helped to interpret for Clara and Inej to convey what Inej wanted to do first in their practice, which had been showing Cara how to both use her arms and a stick to balance. Kaz had shown Inej motions to use to tell Cara when to start and stop while on the wire, and Clara had seemed both eager and terrified as Inej gripped her hand and walked her to the ladder that led to the platform above.

 

            “My sister says Inej is the best. Khalid said so, too.” Lina smiled and made a gesture up to her sister. “You can do it.” Kaz read the motions as he saw Clara take her first steps on the wire, Inej balanced perfectly ahead of her, Clara’s hands were in Inej’s as she backed onto the wire and Clara stepped forward.

 

            “She is. She’s the best I’ve ever seen.” Kaz answered, flicking his glance to his small companion.

 

            “Do you have many acrobats in Kerch? Are there shows there?” Lina’s eyes widened, clearly she’d taken his statement to mean he’d seen many acrobats.

 

            “Not really, not acrobats at least. We do have some shows, though.” Kaz reached into his pocket to make sure he had what he thought of.

 

            “Then how do you know Inej is the best?” Lina narrowed her dark eyes on him, Kaz suppressed a chuckle at the serious tilt of her head.

 

            “Magic.” Kaz rasped, moving his eyes back to Inej and Clara as they slowly made their way across the wire.

 

            Lina jumped off her stool and came to stand in front of him, demanding his attention.

 

            “You have magic in Kerch? Like grisha? Or… Mama called it science. Whatever.” Lina huffed as she eyed Kaz in search of something otherworldly or worthy to be called “enchantment”. Kaz looked down at the girl, she was certainly going to be a force to be reckoned with.

 

            Kaz wondered, if only for a moment, if Lina looked anything like Inej had as a child. They certainly shared the same fire.

 

            Kaz reached into his pocket and found his coin. He took it out and showed it to Lina with his gloved fingers. Her eyes squinted from him to the coin and then back again. She looked as if she was about to say something as Kaz began to bump the coin over his knuckles with the ease of a thousand muscle memories. Kaz could do it almost as well with a glove on as he could do it bare handed. Kaz would leave his gloves on, now. Lina was only a child, if she reached for his hand… he wouldn’t be able to see a small girl’s face when he drowned. He’d barely been able to do it around Inej’s family, or to sign with Cara. He’d had anxiety in his gut in both instances, but he’d made it. He’d done it.

 

            Kaz let Lina watch the coin for a moment, let her decide this was all he could do. That’s when he performed best, when the eyes watching him grew bored.

 

            The coin moved into a void only he could find, right in front of the young girl. Lina wasted no time and was hurriedly asking him a million questions, her voice mixed with both kerch and suli, she didn’t even notice her slip between languages.

 

            “I can tell you where you’ll find the coin.” Kaz smirked and effectively stopped the little girl’s questions as she nodded eagerly, eyes brightened like she’d seen true sorcery.

 

            “Check your pocket.” Kaz didn’t bother to wear the mask of the monster when he grinned then.

 

            Lina’s brows raised as she stuck a small bronze hand into her jacket pocket, a squeal escaped her lips when she removed her hand, Kaz’s coin in her fingers.

 

            “Magic!” Lina exclaimed with a bounce on her feet.

 

            “Again?” Lina asked, already reaching up for Kaz’s hand and placing the coin in his palm.

 

            He’d been right to wear the gloves. His demons released a disappointed sigh at their lost opportunity to sink him to the bottom of a harbor a thousand miles away.

 

            “Only if you go interpret for your sister and Inej.” Kaz answered, he’d noticed Inej and Cara descending the ladder and Inej would need a helping hand to communicate with her student.

 

            “Okay!” Lina nodded excitedly and Kaz thought she was about to race toward Inej and Cara, but the little girl paused and turned to look at Kaz over her shoulder, a strange sort of concentration on her face.

 

            “Will you be a Ghafa, then?” she asked, voice curious and unfiltered. Kaz didn’t know what she meant.

 

            “What do you mean?”

 

            “A Ghafa. Will you marry Inej?” Lina’s eyes were wide with hope, hope that Kaz didn’t understand.

 

            “Well that wouldn’t make me a Ghafa, would it?” Kaz asked, his voice rougher than he’d intended. Lina didn’t seem to notice.

 

            “It would too! Men take women’s names in the suli. Mama gave Papa hers. He wasn’t a Calav before. So if you marry Miss Inej, you’d be a Ghafa.” Lina answered with a smile that spoke of second-hand embarrassment for Kaz not knowing.

 

            Kaz Ghafa? He didn’t hate it. Maybe he could take her name in Ravka. First, he’d have to ask. Someday. It should have frightened him, but it didn’t. It was Inej. He was already sure.

 

            “Well, I guess I’ll just have to convince her to give me her name, then.” Kaz replied, honesty escaping him before he could even begin to think better of it. He didn’t know how the words had slipped out of his mouth.

 

            “If you become a Ghafa, that would mean you’d come back. I think that would be good.” Lina beamed with a glance back at Kaz’s hand that held the coin, her eyes prodding him to remember their deal. Kaz held up the coin and jutted his chin across the ring toward Cara and Inej to encourage Lina to go. To tell her he’d hold up his end of the bargain.

 

            Lina trotted off, excitement released from its harness.

 

Kaz’s eyes took in the sight of Inej, laughing with two small suli girls. If he’d been any other man, he might have begun wondering what it would be like if he and Inej ever had a family. If he’d been normal, he would have decided he wanted to find out. He was not normal; he could not have those ideas when he had an empire to reign over, a myth and legacy to uphold. Enemies to ward off. He’d not have those thoughts, he was a bastard and a living monster born only of death.

 

Those were the lies he told his demons.

 

Kaz had wondered. He’d been the normal man, as he watched the girls and the woman he loved.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            Several bells passed, and Inej and Cara finally descended the wire. Kaz had shown Lina half his armada of tricks with a coin, and promised to bring cards with him the next morning. They’d watched Inej and Cara, interpreted when it was needed and overall… Kaz hadn’t hated his time spent with his little companion.

 

            “Tell her that tomorrow be begin the real work, we’ll try the ideas I have to help her work with other acrobats, without hearing.” Inej asked Kaz softly. Cara looked tired as could be, but her eyes shined as Kaz made the motions to her. Cara nodded with enthusiasm unchained before her eyes drifted to her sister, who Kaz realized was also signing behind him. He caught what Lina said to her sister.

 

            “Kaz is magic. He’ll show you tomorrow.”

 

            Kaz sighed and added a sign of his own back to Lina, in sight of Cara. He didn’t wish to leave Cara out of the conversation even though Lina was hearing.

 

            “I never promised to perform for an audience.”

 

            “But you will.” Lina answered in both sign and voice with a smug smile, like she’d already won. She had, but it was beside the point. Kaz felt Inej’s eyes on them as she took a sip of water near the stool beside them.

 

            “For me?” Cara asked in sign with a brilliant smile.

 

            “Fine.” Kaz signed, but the smile on his face betrayed his amusement.

 

            “You must keep your promise or I’ll tell Inej.” Lina both signed and spoke, a devious wiggle in her brows.

 

            Oh, Ghezen help him.

 

            “Tell Inej what?” Inej walked back to them, her eyes lit up in the morning sun that cast the whole practice tent in a warm hue of gold.

 

            “Nothing.” Kaz groaned as he straightened himself from his crouch in front of the two girls. He shot Lina a glare lacking almost all of his usual anger, and Lina shrugged, unperturbed by his glare entirely.

 

            “Lina? Cara?” A voice called out from the mouth of the tent and Kaz turned to see Rin, the girls’ father, stepping inside. Presumably to walk Lina and Cara home. Kaz stood with Inej after they’d both said goodbye to Lina and Cara. Kaz had shown Inej how to sign “see you tomorrow” and Cara had beamed at her effort.  

 

            Once the girls and their father disappeared, Kaz turned to Inej.

 

            “How did she do?” Kaz rasped as Inej walked to gather her coat and water skin.

 

            “Well. Especially for the first time up there. She’s scared, which everyone is their first time on the wire, but she has things to overcome and I think she’s afraid she won’t be able to. She will though. She has the jyi.” Inej smiled more to herself than him as she gazed back up at the wire.

 

            “What’s that?” Kaz didn’t bother trying to replicate the word in his kerch tamed vocal chords.

 

            “Flame. She has the flame. Something Papa used to tell me, either you have the flame or you do not. Maybe it’s because flames rise higher when they’re fed.” Inej pondered, he saw her roll one shoulder with a wince.

 

            “Sore?” Kaz asked, his eyes always noted Inej’s movements. A benefit of the high risk life they led, he supposed.

 

            “Yes. I did flips yesterday and my body is asking me why.” Inej chuckled.

 

            “Because you need to practice, daughter.” Kahir’s voice called from behind them at the opening of the tent.

 

Kaz hid his annoyance that he’d not become attuned to Kahir’s presence well enough yet. Kahir Ghafa may be the only person who could sneak up on Kaz Brekker. It annoyed him to no end.

 

“Papa!” Inej beamed, striding toward her father. Sharya followed Kahir through the flap of the tent only a moment later. Kaz noticed they both donned clothes of the same material to Inej’s own.

 

“Are you telling me I’m out of practice? You didn’t see me yesterday!” Inej groaned in false annoyance and Kaz laughed under his breath as he joined the Ghafa’s.

 

“No, I’m telling you to practice. I’m here to ask you to join us on the wire, in Os Kervo before you leave. We’ve gone ahead and moved a show slot up two days for you to return for a show. Two nights before you leave. We’ll accompany you back to Os Kervo, along with the rest of the troupe.” Kahir stated matter-of-factly. Sharya was grinning as she looked over her daughter in the new outfit she’d acquired for her.

 

“Papa…” Inej trailed off, her voice spoke only of nerves. Kaz so rarely heard Inej truly nervous that he couldn’t stop his eyes from checking her shoulders. Inej’s shoulders always told him something.

 

When she was ready to fight.

 

When she was at ease.

 

When she was nervous.

 

Through it all, her posture remained perfect, but her shoulders would alter just slightly.

 

“Think about it, please.” Kahir asked his daughter. His eyes were soft as he moved toward Inej and laid a hand on her shoulder. Inej nodded and took a breath before she offered him a small smile.

 

“Now we practice. Are you going back to the Caravan?” Sharya piped up with a grin as she tightened the tie of her hair on the top of her head.

 

“Yeah, I think so, we both have work to do that we brought from Ketterdam. Kaz?” Inej looked to him for agreement.

 

Kaz nodded and gave Sharya a smile as he reached for his cane where it leaned on a support beam.

 

Inej told her parents they’d see them later as she started for the front of the tent, Kaz made to follow Inej, but he was stopped by a delicate bronze hand on his forearm.

 

“Convince her to do the show if you can. You need to see it, my boy.” Sharya Ghafa whispered to him with a grin and Kaz couldn’t help his own from showing.

 

This was a mission he was happy to accept from Inej’s mother; Kaz wanted to see Inej in her other element, the one that relied on spotlight instead of shadow or sea.

 

**********Warning! Semi-spice ahead. Nothing inherently sexual, but still of the spicier variety, so I wanted to put a warning. You can skip this if you’d like, but like I said, not completely spicy! **********

 

 

 

 

INEJ

 

            “Your shoulder still hurts.” Kaz proclaimed as they entered their caravan. Inej hadn’t meant to wince as she reached to untie the coil of braided hair at the base of her neck. Her braid fell to her waist and Inej flicked her eyes away from him.

 

            “It’s fine. Just needs to get used to the strain of a handstand again.” Inej tried to wave off Kaz’s eyes. Kaz looked her up and down, then he moved away from her like a man on a mission. Kaz grabbed a match and began lighting some of their lanterns and Inej decided to let the odd look on his face go as she went to start the fire in the stove.

 

            As Inej got the fire going, she heard Kaz draw the curtains closed to the bathing alcove.

 

            Odd. Kaz never shut those, especially when the actual toilet and shower closet had a door. Only the sink and the tub remained in the alcove. Inej stood and glanced at Kaz’s silhouette through the curtains, he was standing at the sink.

 

            Inej sighed and decided to let him keep his privacy. She’d noticed they needed more firewood and promptly slipped on her jacket to make the walk behind their caravan, where there was an extra pile of wood.

 

            A few minutes later, Inej walked up the steps of the caravan with a bundle of logs in her arms. Her shoulder was indeed angry. Inej opened the door to the caravan and found the room dim, the window curtains had been closed, illuminating the space was only candles and firelight. Inej set the logs down and saw the curtains had been pulled open to the bathing alcove once more.

 

            Kaz was turned away from her and leaned against the tub, which was steaming and filled with bubbles. The scent hit Inej and she recognized it immediately. Night blooms and Jasmine, the fancy bath soap Wylan always bought her for her room at the Van Eck mansion. The soap she’d requested Kaz to buy for the attic at the Slat. Kaz was folding a small towel over the back of the tub, a head rest, Inej realized.

 

            “What are you doing?” Inej smiled as she stepped closer to him, she knew he’d heard the door of the caravan open. She also knew he could sense her, somehow. Inej had figured that out when she’d tried and failed to sneak up on him on more than one occasion.

 

            “Warm water for the shoulder.” Kaz answered as he turned to her, his grin was a crooked thing.

 

            Inej felt that familiar flutter of butterflies in her stomach. Kaz drew her a bath. He’d brought the bubbly soap from Ketterdam. He’d folded her silk robe over the sink basin. He’d brought her body oil to the side of the tub.

 

            “All this for a shoulder? Next time I’ll break something.” Inej beamed as she walked toward the tub, inhaling the scent.

 

            “Please don’t. If you hurt yourself on purpose, I’ll be forced to remove the fancy soap I put into our shower back in Ketterdam. Punishment for stupidity, darling.” Kaz quipped and straightened himself.

 

            “You wouldn’t,” Inej gasped with fabricated appalment.

 

            “I would, but now, your water is going to get cold if we continue.” Kaz chuckled as he made to leave her to her bath.

 

            “Stay.” Inej asked to his back. Kaz paused and looked over his shoulder. Inej wanted… she wanted this to be normal now. She wanted to work towards it being normal. Kaz had seen her bare now, she wanted to be able to do this around him all the time. Change clothes before bed in front of him, get naked for a bath. He’d touched her, he’d loved her in as much of a physical way as they both could manage currently. Inej wanted to make this normal and the only way to get there was to keep practicing, even if she still felt the fear rise.

 

            This is Kaz. It’s Kaz. The light within him shined brighter than the void within her. She beat back the darkness with a breath and a step forward; toward him, toward his light.

 

            “You’re sure?” Kaz turned, his eyes searched hers. He swallowed but Inej did not sense fear in his words. Kaz knew she would not touch him with wet skin, this was not a part of his own struggles. He’d not been fearful in the same way to bare his skin to her, and for that, Inej was grateful. In this battle, Kaz was watching her back.

 

            Inej nodded and moved to remove her shirt, her shoulder protesting as she tried to reach around herself.

 

            “Maybe out of necessity.” Inej huffed a laugh and Kaz stepped forward to help her once she motioned him forward. Kaz helped her with careful hands, hands that were bare once more. Kaz reached up and began unbraiding her hair once the shirt fell to the floor. Inej had not worn her bindings today, she was bare from the waist up. Kaz’s eyes avoided her chest, seeming to think Inej did not want him to look. It was a fair assumption, but Inej felt nothing of the sort. Inej wanted him to know it.

 

            “You’re avoiding me.” Inej mumbled as he finished with the braid, her hair fell loose around her shoulders.

 

            “What?” Kaz paused and looked in her eyes. She noticed how his eyes moved carefully, with a pure sort of restraint. Inej chuckled softly at his efforts, he blinked in confusion.

 

            “You can look, mera chaar. I don’t want you to avoid me. I want… I want this to be normal. I’m working on it. Unless you think my chest is as ugly as my feet, Jesper says those are ugly.” Inej laughed and Kaz cracked a grin.

 

            “No. Neither are ugly. That, I can promise you, mera nadra.” Kaz’s eyes trailed down her middle, catching on her breasts in a very male way before he flicked his eyes back up. Inej laughed and stepped on her toes to place a kiss to his cheek.

 

            Inej finished undressing, Kaz’s eyes on her felt as alive as his hands. Inej did not want to shrink. She felt strong. Beautiful. Confident. He surprised her when he held out a hand to help her into the bath, despite the water beneath her.

 

            “Have I told you I love you yet today?” Kaz asked as she submerged to her collar bones in warm bubbles, the water kissing her shoulder in promises of healing.

 

            “No.” Inej smirked as Kaz leaned against the wall casually, clearly content to watch her. Inej let her eyes flutter shut with a sigh of comfort.

 

            “I love you and you are exquisite, Inej.” Kaz’s voice burned with honesty and unrestrained desire.

 

            “I love you, too. You also have a bargain to fulfill once I’m out of this bath and dry.”

 

            “Have I forgotten a deal we’ve made recently?” Kaz asked and Inej let her eyes open, his brows had raised as he watched her intently.

 

            “I was right about the conversion rates in Pekka’s finances. I was promised things for my brilliance. I’ve been holding my breath for almost twenty-four bells, Kaz. You need to remedy that.” Inej purred as she reached for the bar of soap on the tray beside the tub. She caught the swallow Kaz took, the slight tremor in his shoulders at what she’d implied.

 

            “Mmm, I would hazard to say you’re correct, Wraith. I’ll be waiting.” Kaz rasped and Inej wanted to whimper when he began to move out of the alcove. His tie was already slipping off his neck under quick fingers.

 

            Kaz dropped the tie on the ground, right in front of the tub.

 

            Kaz Brekker’s own version of “your move.”

 

            Inej intended to take a long bath, she did not.

           

Chapter 76: What A Smart Man Would Do

Summary:

Steam to water.

Notes:

Chapter 76!!!! (PLEASE READ)

GUYS. Okay. Wow. I'm here with something I've poured it all into. This one is in the top five of my personal favorites that I've written, but idk if it will be for you guys. We'll see. I just hope you love it. I can't really say more than that. <3

First, You'll notice this chapter starts with a spice warning. This one goes backwards against my usual set up, with spice at the end after non-spicy chapter content. Don't worry! There's still a whole chapter after the spice, just look for the bold letters that signal the end of the smutty content if that isn't your vibe and just begin the chapter there! You won't miss out on the story! I honestly just... I felt like the spice at the beginning and then the end of this chapter created a beautiful dichotomy that shows this very real non-linear look at healing. I hope it makes sense.

Thank you a million times over for the support. I came back to so many new comments and I'm working to get back to everyone but I just wanted to convey how much I love you all and that I read every single comment and I will get back even if it takes a sec. I always put getting new updates out there for you guys as first priority and I promise I will get back, I'm sorry I'm as slow as molasses, lol. <33 Seriously, thank you.

PLEASE, please, let me know what you think of this one. I'm so ready for you guys to read it. I'm so ready. We've got two (probs) chapters left before the end of this season and this was a big part of it. Get ready! Love you all! <3

"I'll Follow You" by Shinedown. This is a personal kanej anthem for me, and also an extremely special song to my heart. I'm literally begging you guys to listen to it for the second half of this chapter. The lyrics, that's all I'll say.

****** Warning! Spice ahead! Don’t worry, you can skip this and not miss out on the story! Please read my authors note to see why this is first! There’s non-spicy content after the cut, you’ll see what I mean! ******

 

 

KAZ

 

            Kaz ignored his body’s grumble at leaving the very much naked and content Inej in the bath tub. Kaz would wait to be able to touch her, when her skin was not as much of a danger, when she was dry.

 

            Well, hopefully not completely dry. Even if he couldn’t quite manage to touch her like that yet. Kaz chastised himself at the thought, at the way desire swirled in his abdomen at the simple idea.

 

            Kaz slipped his blazer onto a hanger, untied his shoes, unbuttoned the top two buttons of his shirt. Kept his eyes away from the bathing alcove, ignored every hopeful splash of water that might signal Inej’s exit from the tub.

 

            Kaz hadn’t known what to expect from their trip to Ravka, but the barriers they’d crossed since they’d left Ketterdam… it was more than Kaz’s mind could have even hoped for. Physically. Mentally. All of it. He’d kissed Inej more than he ever had, he’d touched her in every physical way they could manage. He’d fallen harder and farther than he could have begun to think possible. Leaving Ketterdam without work… it had given him a look at who he could be, if he allowed himself to grow.

 

            In Ketterdam, he’d already been in love, he’d already free-fallen into new territory. Now, Kaz wanted more. Wasn’t that who he’d always been, though? Once, he would have said he wanted more kruge, more power, more revenge. He still wanted those things, he was still Kaz Brekker. Now, he wanted more of something else, something new.

 

            Kaz wanted more of her.

 

            Kaz wanted more of these moments, and all the ones they’d had since their arrival in Aska Vasman.

 

            Kaz wanted more time with his friends, his family. The things he’d never deserved, but had somehow been handed. He hadn’t even had to steal them, scheme for them, crack locks for them.

 

            Kaz Brekker, Kaz Rietveld, Dirtyhands, they were all in agreement, for once.

 

            Kaz just wanted more life.

 

            “Kaz?” Inej asked from somewhere behind his stance by the stove, he’d lost himself in thoughts as he stared at the flames, listening to the symphony of a battle, heat pitted against log. He hadn’t even heard her get out of the tub, but his bones had warned him she was closer, even if he’d been deep within his own mind.

 

            “Hmm?” Kaz turned over his shoulder, freezing at the sight of her. She wore nothing but her underthings, a slice of black cotton low on her hip bones. Her top half bare entirely, her hair tied back in a loose bun, he suspected she’d not washed it again as her scalp appeared dry.

 

            Fuck. Why wasn’t he healed and better and free of the past yet? This would be the part when he’d walk to her, slip that last piece of fabric off her body, ease her back on the bed. Then, he’d kneel. He’d taste her, feast on her, until he couldn’t remember how his name sounded when it wasn’t falling off her lips in ecstasy.

 

            Nothing stands in the way of Kaz Brekker and what he wants. I’ll get there. I will. I’ll know what she tastes like. I’ll know how it feels to have her legs on my shoulders. I’ll know her combination, I’ll know that lock better than any other.

 

            Kaz swallowed, his eyes couldn’t get enough. His fingers itched in temptation. His heart reached for her through his ribs, like a starving prisoner with a jangling tin cup.

 

            “I…if you’re fully clothed, is this… can I try this with you?” Inej whispered, head tilted. Her cheeks were set ablaze and the flush dipped over the tops of her delicate breasts. Kaz had a million thoughts in the span of a single nod of his chin. All the things he wanted to try, things he couldn’t experience yet. All the questions about what she meant died in his throat. Words were lost.

 

            “What would you do, if we…if we weren’t both… wrong?” Inej’s voice slipped to him in the slant of the firelight. Had she read his mind? Inej always surprised him, he’d never tire of it.

 

            Kaz took a step toward her, her eyes followed his movements, her demons assessing the approaching challenger.

 

            “I’d have you on the bed already, but I’d kiss every single inch of you before I even allowed myself the chance to think further. I’d make sure you knew. I’d make sure you knew what I’ve noticed all these years, what parts of you have made me want to drop to my knees and beg for you. What parts of you have tempted me into religion, Inej.” His voice burned, the honesty leaving his lips smooth as smoke. Now was not the time for the walls, Inej wanted to know, and he wanted to tell her. Nothing else mattered.

 

            Inej followed each word on his lips, eyes widening as he spoke. She’d not expected the full-frontal honesty he’d served to her on a whispered plate of pleading.

 

            “What parts are those?” Inej asked, the blush deepening on her chest as she inched only a half-step closer to him.

 

            A lovers’ waltz between a Saint and a Devil in the Place of the Fearless.

 

            “Your hips. The curve of your neck. Your lips. I lied, Inej. I’d take my time on every inch.” Kaz’s fingers clenched and unclenched in loose fists at his sides, restraint coating each joint, each muscle.

 

            “Do you know what I would do?” Inej mused, her tongue darted to wet her lips, she brushed a hand up to tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear. Each movement led his eyes on a quest for more.

 

            Inej had sailed the seas to his fortress of solitude, canons at full tilt, intent on leveling the brick surrounding his true-heart to the ground. She was succeeding.

 

            “What would you do?” Kaz asked, another step forward. Three paces separated them. A hundred milestones crossed, yet they had more to pass. He wanted to bash each inch of space to pieces with his bare hands.

 

            “I’d let you. I’d let you do everything you just said. And then, I’d have you. That’s how I’d have you, Kaz Brekker. You already knew that, though. I told you. But this time, I’d undress you myself. I’d take each piece of armor off of your body until we could only be bare. Until we could be one.” Inej whispered, sinful notes entering the honey of her tone.

 

            He could fall to his knees now. He didn’t know how he stood standing. His demons could not be heard, their voices drowned out by the kiss of his Sea’s waves on the shore.

 

            “Until then, and I will have you Kaz, I want you to kiss me. I want you to promise me that I’ll be able to touch you, someday. That we’ll learn how to love each other without armor. I want you to promise to keep working until we can. I want you. However much I can have. Right now.” Inej murmured, faith and promise dripping from each syllable.

 

            She took two of the last three steps forward, dark and daring eyes locked on his.

 

            Words failed him. He could smell the jasmine and night bloom scent radiating from her bronze skin. If he stepped forward, her breasts would touch his chest, even through his shirt, it would surely end him.

 

            Kaz took the last step forward. Unafraid and unwilling to let this moment be tainted with a single drop of water. He was clothed entirely, save for his hands. His hands would take what she offered, his heart would live off these stolen moments until he could love her the way he wanted to. Until they could have it all. Until he could thrust into her, join his body with hers. Until he could make her sigh his name in the middle of the night, bodies entangled, hands entwined, hearts linked.

           

            And it would happen. Kaz would have Inej, and she would have him. Someday. “Soon please”, Kaz prayed to whichever Saint favored his lover before him.

 

            Their eyes burned into each other. He felt the rise of her chest with a breath against his chest. It took only a moment, only a whisper.

 

            “I promise, Inej.” Kaz’s voice drug over her name, this throat scorching for the first promised taste of her.

 

            He didn’t know who moved first. All he knew was that the kiss was all-consuming. His hands explored each dip and curve of her waist, her own hands linking around his neck, pulling him closer to her with gentle but greedy movements. He knew she moved with care because of his balance with his leg.

 

            Before Kaz knew it, his hands had reached lower on her back, smoothing over her underwear to her ass. He hadn’t been able to stop imagining how it would feel under his hands, ever since he’d seen her naked for the first time. Inej whimpered against his mouth when he let both hands cup her cheeks, squeezing and gripping.

 

            Then, he was lifting her. Their movements were fluid as she wrapped her legs easily around his middle, not even breaking their kiss. Inej tried to mumble a concern for his leg, but he silenced her with a soft bite to her lower lip. Her gasp was answer enough “message received”.

 

            Kaz took the steps toward their bed, focused solely on her tongue’s sinful movements against his own. He dipped his good knee onto the bed, ignoring the brief flash of pain in his bad limb when his weight transferred for only a second. Kaz eased Inej down onto the bed, careful to keep his arms from boxing her in, he could hazard a guess at how her demons would react to that. Inej was pulling him down over her, he saw no shadows when he broke from her lips to check her eyes. Inej was gripping at his shirt with grabbing fingers. Her legs spread to accommodate him to settle between them.

 

            “Please.” Inej whispered and Kaz let her pull him close, he adjusted his weight to his elbows, keeping them far enough from her body that she could shift if she needed to. His knee was stiff but he somehow maneuvered it to rest comfortably against the mattress beneath them. Inej lifted her lips to his neck just as he found hers.

 

            He’d never been above her, only beside her and leaning, or had her above him. How often had he wondered how it would feel to have her wrapped around him? A shrill of excitement danced over his spine. He was here now.

 

            Inej’s lips were bruising his throat and he let a groan escape when he felt her legs move to wrap around him. Despite his entirely non-existent repertoire of experience, he moved one arm to fix her legs at his waist, his body not yet flush with hers. His cock protested the mere inch of space between himself and her center. Inej’s ankles crossed on the small of his back, the strength in her legs urging him to sacrifice the space between them.

 

            Kaz pulled away from the kisses he’d been leaving to her jaw, Inej pulled away in tandem to meet his eyes. Kaz let his forehead lean down to hers, he let his eyes look between them, to her bare chest rising and falling from the passion of their kisses, down to her center, to the very obvious bulge in his own trousers, only an inch from meeting her body, only separated by their clothing.

 

            If they were normal, if they were further along in this war against the past, he’d be seeing no barriers. He’d be a moment away from entering her. Kaz would be patient for that moment, even if it hurt like hell. Making love to Inej would be worth every moment they’d waited, every battle they’d fought. They’d have that moment. They’d have every night or day or morning after that moment to relive it. It would all be worth it, it already was.

 

            Every single battle had already been worth it to get to this point.

 

            Kaz looked up to find Inej looking down as well, her eyes alight with desire equal to his own. Her eyes danced over him, back to meet his gaze. Their breath intermingled, Kaz held her eyes as he thrusted forward, slowly, carefully. He’d snuck them past their demons thus far, a scheme greater than any other he’d accomplished.

 

Thank her Saints he had a knack for incredible escapes.

 

The moan he elicited from her when his hips met hers was one he’d not yet heard, sweet and dark and only Inej. Her eyes fluttered, her legs tightened around him. His own moan came from the friction of her hips rolling up to meet his, his cock ached from the heat of her core. His body was a selfish bastard that didn’t want to cooperate with his mind that would drown him if he dared to remove his barriers.

 

They stared at each other, movements in perfect sync, as if they’d always been meant to do this. As if they fit perfectly. Groans and whispered names were muffled by kisses and the skin of each other’s throats.

 

Kaz held her eyes as he pulled away, he wanted to try. He wanted to be bold. His lips wanted the chance to explore the way his hands had, the envy was too much to keep his mouth from trailing down Inej’s throat, to her collar bones that had sang him into complete distraction more than once.

 

Down, down, down, his lips continued.

 

Kaz paused as he reached the center of her chest, just between her glorious breasts. His eyes looked up to her in question. Her eyes were half-closed, mouth mid-moan, cheeks rosy and lips kissed to redness. She was watching him, taking in his every movement, every breath.

 

“Please.” Inej whispered for the second time since this dance had begun. Kaz laid a kiss to the skin just beneath his lips. He knew he was only above the water because her bare chest was against his shirt, because only his lips and hands had been set free. It irritated him, it enraged him, but he still couldn’t believe it.

 

“Please what, Inej?” Kaz did not lift his lips from her skin as he spoke against her. He wanted to know she could handle this, for this he wanted her to say it, that she wanted him to try.

 

“Kiss me how you want to, right now.” Inej half moaned, half whispered. Her voice was laced in sin sweeter than sex itself, Kaz was sure of it.

 

Kaz felt his length throb, desperate for more of their movements, but he wanted to explore, first. He was pushing his limits as far as he could while he had the woman he loved beneath him, panting his name and smiling every time he moved against her.

 

Kaz moved his lips in patterns across the center of her chest, letting his tongue brush her skin every now and then, he lowered to her navel all the way back to the base of her neck. When he moved back down, he sucked over the top of the swell of her breasts, dotting each side with a light mark of his own. Her moans grew desperate as he inched his lips closer to her right swell, her legs tightened around him.

 

Just as his breath hit the dark peak of her nipple, he thrusted forward, connecting them once again. His eyes met hers as he kissed her skin, swirled his tongue over her peak just once before he took her into his mouth fully. One hand moved to squeeze the unattended breast, his weight balanced on one elbow.

 

Kaz was kissing Inej’s chest, he was not drowning. His clothes protected the majority of his skin, and he’d snuck his lips out of his jail cell of flesh. His hands and mouth had escaped and made it to the freedom of Inej’s body. Now for the rest of him to catch up.

 

Inej gasped his name, her hips bucked up to meet his in a desperate search for friction. Kaz smiled against her breast as he released her nipple and promptly repeated his motions on her other side.

 

“Pavra hast shimet, Kaz!” Inej moaned without restraint, breathing uneven and hips moving against his.

 

Kaz thought he’d die. He could die now, he’d accomplished glory. Inej moaning in suli while they got off? Best fucking thing he’d ever heard.

 

Kaz pulled away from her nipple only when he felt her hands on the sleeves of his shirt, yanking and desperate for him to move back to her lips. Kaz complied with a rough chuckle as Inej’s hands reached around his neck and she crashed her lips against his.

 

She hadn’t met his eyes, she hadn’t asked. It was new. It was perfect. It was normal.

 

Kaz thrusted forward in a stiff roll of his hips, Inej met him movement for movement as they tasted each other. Her hands found his hair and gripped and released with each meeting of their centers. Kaz felt the tension in his abdomen grow tight, her movements encouraging the loss of his control. He didn’t want to go over the edge first, he wanted Inej to find bliss before him. Kaz shifted his weight to one elbow once more, he pulled away from her lips only enough for her to see the question in his eyes as his free arm snaked between them, fingers trailing to the waist band of her underwear. Inej’s only response was the reach of her own hand, her hand gripped his lightly as she moved his hand to the same spot he’d touched her  before.

 

Her eyes begged and Kaz wouldn’t dare tease her when he was as close as he was, he wanted her to fall into ecstasy’s embrace beneath him.

 

He needed to see her climax again. He needed to feel her against him, even closer than they’d been that first night that they’d found pleasure together.

 

Inej released his hand and trailed her own up his shirt clad arm, fingers finding his back and tracing the muscles in his shoulder blades as he thrusted forward with his hips and his thumb swirled a circle into her most sensitive spot.

 

Inej’s fingers scratched into his back when he found the perfect angle with his length against her center. The clothes restricted him, but his body hummed in anticipation of the fall. He quickened his finger’s work in pace with his thrusts.

 

Fuck. Inej rolled her hips up and he couldn’t hold back anymore, release came with a powerful wave of pleasure. A groan of her name fell off his lips, but he felt it happen. Inej tensed beneath him, her muscles in her legs tightened and then trembled around his hips.

 

They fell over together, a string of delicious suli curses fell off Inej’s lips, followed by his name. He groaned as he released, their bodies locked and clinging to one another as they both felt the waves subside.

 

Kaz couldn’t move, didn’t want to. He’d left his body and returned to only bliss and the weight of pent-up tension lessened on his shoulders. Kaz didn’t want Inej to feel trapped, so he began to shift to roll off her, but her eyes caught his.

 

Darkness shrouded in the glimmer of hope for their future.

 

“No.” Inej commanded, keeping him right where he was with her legs.

 

Kaz could only grin, satisfied and proud and happier than he’d been in his entire life.

 

“Curse like that more often if you want me to crumble for you, Inej.” Kaz whispered and laid a gentle kiss to each of her reddened cheeks.

 

“Do that thing with your mouth on my chest more often and I’ll show you some really colorful curses, mera chaar.” Inej smirked, a happiness Kaz wanted to cradle against him showed in her eyes.

 

Kaz wanted to make her smile like this, every day. He wanted to covet each moment of love as if it were the kruge he’d hidden behind bricks as a child, to keep his treasure safe the best way he knew how.

 

“Noted.” Kaz grinned as he leaned his forehead against hers. He didn’t know how long they laid entangled, having conversations in their language of looks alone, but Kaz had found it.

 

The thing he had been looking for since the door shut behind him on the farm.

 

Kaz had found the place he belonged. It was nowhere physical. The place Kaz belonged was in between everywhere and everything.

 

He belonged in the twinkle of her eyes just before they kissed, it never failed.

 

He belonged in the flutter of her heart beat against his chest when they hugged.

 

He belonged in her sleepy smiles in the morning light.

 

He belonged in the fights they fought back to back in the alleyways of Ketterdam.

 

Kaz belonged to her, not in ownership, but in where she was, he belonged.

 

 

********** End of Spice Section! **********

 

INEJ

 

            They’d spent the afternoon working. Working on each other. Then, working on matters of revenge. Neither of them had been able to stop the glances every so often between them.

 

            Inej couldn’t believe it. It was true, they’d been intimate before, but this was as far as they’d gotten so far. Inej hadn’t vanished beneath him. She’d won. Inej had won and her spirit sang a song of promised freedom from the silk noose scars deep under her skin.

 

            Kaz had kept her from the edge of the darkness, he’d held her in thieves’ hands and cradled her like rare treasure. His scent had surrounded her, his voice had whispered in her ear, his lips had burned in a forge of love instead of the hatred she’d experienced before, in the Menagerie.

 

            Inej couldn’t help that the thoughts had followed her to the dinner table in her parents’ caravan, Inej couldn’t help that she wondered if they’d return to their caravan tonight and sleep only after more moments like what they’d shared earlier this afternoon.

 

She was a woman starved, a woman who had wanted for so long, and was only finally able to begin tasting the fruits of her desire.

 

            “Inej?” Mama asked and Inej flicked her gaze up from the dinner plate in front of her, Kaz’s hand was drawing patterns on her knee beneath the table, encouraging her sorry state of longing. He’d left his hands bare for dinner once more.

 

            “Huh?” Inej noticed that both her parents and Kaz were looking at her with small smiles on their faces.

 

            Oh, they must have been trying to get her attention for a moment, Inej realized. Her cheeks warmed. The thoughts she’d had were not something to share with anyone besides her avri next to her.

 

            “Where did you drift, daughter?” Papa laughed as he took a sip of amber liquid from his tumbler.

 

            “Oh, uh, nowhere.” Inej wouldn’t have believed her own lie. Her cheeks felt blushed, her gaze flicked to Kaz involuntarily and she found him smirking as he took a swig of his own drink.

 

            “Mmhm.” Mama rolled her eyes with a pointed look at Kaz who seemed content to inspect the salt shaker.

 

            “Kaz, can you pass the basket of pan bread?” Mama asked from across the table, her eyes showing her amusement at Inej’s embarrassment. Kaz flicked his eyes up and reached for the basket.

 

            Inej saw it happen. Saw her mother’s hand touch Kaz’s in thanks without realizing what she’d done. An innocent gesture of kindness, not thought of because Kaz’s hand was bare. Inej had almost convinced herself it would never happen, but never had arrived.

 

            Time slowed as Kaz yanked his hand back, scorched from the breath of Demons dormant and awakened. Demons that breathed corpse ridden scents and water instead of flames.

 

            Inej felt she lived in the span of a single hurt blink from Mama for hours. Kaz was standing in the span of that same moment. Dimly, Inej wondered how much the movement had hurt his leg, she’d never seen him launch himself up so quickly. His breath was uneven, the drinks on the table shaking from his sudden outburst.

 

            Inej managed to turn her eyes to him, his breathing was quick and labored, his eyes unfocused.

 

            “Kaz?” Mama called, concern underlining his name. Kaz tried to say he was sorry, Inej heard it on a shattered whisper as he ran for the front door, cane in hand. He did not stop to retrieve his coat; he didn’t turn back. Inej knew he couldn’t.

 

            Kaz was drowning. Kaz was under water and everything else was a blur to him. It had all happened so quickly, the span of thirty seconds. Papa hadn’t even set down his fork.

 

            Inej’s eyes followed Kaz, the door to the caravan left ajar in his wake. Inej needed to go. She needed to pull him out of the water, back to dry land.

 

            “Inej?” Papa asked hurriedly, already following Inej to her feet. Mama looked shocked… heart broken. She hadn’t known.

 

Inej wanted to tell them, Inej wanted her parents to understand. She didn’t have time, nor was it her story to share. Even if Inej wished… even if Inej wished she could ease the sadness in their faces. Even if she wished she didn’t have to add to it, now.

 

“Don’t. I have to go.” Inej ground out, barely able to offer her parents a sorry thing of a smile. Inej grabbed her coat and slung it on in hurried movements. She grabbed Kaz’s as well. Her heart shattered when she found his gloves in the pocket. Kaz would be looking for them. Inej prayed he could find his spare pair in their caravan. Assuming he’d gone back.

 

Inej was already out the door and running as she whispered a prayer to the Saints.

 

Let him come back to me. Don’t make him drown.

 

Inej whispered one more prayer as she bolted down the path toward their caravan.

 

Jordie, you brought him back to land once. Let me do it this time.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Kaz!” Inej ran up the steps of their caravan. She fumbled in her pocket for her key, but the door was unlocked. Thank the Saints.

 

Inej opened the door and entered to find the room in darkness, save for the slant of moonlight from the window above the stove. Inej saw his cane first, it was thrown on the bed and forgotten. She heard him next. Kaz was retching in their bathroom. He was sick. Inej knew it was from the skin contact of her mother’s hand unexpectedly, it was the first time she’d seen him sink so deep in person, though. Inej had seen him drown, she hadn’t seen him sink. Her heart was shattering as she laid his coat over the bed next to his cane. She saw his spare gloves on the nightstand, where she’d left them several days ago. She’d worn them when he’d panicked after touching her tear-streaked face. The day she’d told him about the Saints.

 

He hadn’t been able to find them because she’d been careless with his demons. She hadn’t put them back in his bag. She saw evidence of his search, the contents of his leather bag were spewed across the floor on his side of the bed. He clearly hadn’t seen them on her nightstand in his narrowed vision. Inej clutched the leather in her hands tighter as she moved on guilty feet.

 

I’ll never make that mistake again, Inej vowed to herself, to Kaz, to the Saints.

 

“Kaz?” Inej tried when she neared the door of the bathroom closet. She hadn’t noticed whether the door had a lock, if it did, she knew how it would be. No answer came to her but labored breathing and a dry heave. Kaz needed her. She’d play lock pick today if she damned well needed to. Inej tried the door, locked. Expected. Inej huffed a breath as she thought of what she could use in place of a pick. She hadn’t brought her own set that Kaz had bought for her when she became the Wraith. Those, she’d left in her drawer in the attic with her throwing stars that she’d acquired after she met the colorful Dunyasha. Inej had only packed her normal weapon arsenal.

 

Damnit Inej. Kaz would be laughing at you now if he wasn’t under water.

 

Inej eyed Kaz’s coat on their bed. Kaz would have picks with him wherever he went. This was his favored coat in Ketterdam. Kaz loved secrets. How well do you know your avri, Inej?

 

Inej lunged for the coat without a second thought, ignoring the cracks shooting through the glass of her heart at every noise Kaz made behind the door to the bathroom. Inej folded her hands over the fabric, looking for any hint of a secret pocket where his lock picking kit might lie in wait. Inej found a slight crease in the fabric, just above the seam of the bottom of the coat on the inside. Inej tweaked the fabric until she found a small opening, inside was a small bundle of tools wrapped in twine. Picks!

 

Inej dropped the coat and tucked his gloves under her arm as she knelt to the door handle. She was out of practice but she’d learned from the best. Inej whispered to Kaz that she was on her way, hoping that if he could hear her, he’d know she’d never let him drown.

 

We don’t leave our crew behind in cold water. She was a Captain of the True Sea. She’d honor the code. She’d honor the love of Kaz Brekker in her heart.

 

Inej heard the lock click open, she opened the door slowly, despite her every instinct telling her to race to him. Inej didn’t want to startle him, raise his Demons into full-fledged war against her. Inej didn’t think she could sneak up on Kaz even in this state, but she wouldn’t risk it.

 

Inej thought the night on the ship had been the worst Kaz could look after battle with his past. She’d been wrong. Her heart fractured into pieces at the sight before her. Kaz was knelt awkwardly, his forehead pressed to the coolness of the tile on the wall next to the toilet, his tie was loose and crooked, his hair a disarray. His skin looked paler than ever, hints of flush from exhaustion tinged his cheeks. He was slick with a sheen of sweat, beads dripping down his forehead. His eyes were closed, breathing hard and labored. He’d turned on the lamp next to the sink, at least.

 

No. Inej had left it burning earlier. Damnit.

 

“Kaz?” Inej knelt down in front of him, keeping as much space between them as she could in the small space. Kaz’s eyes fluttered open, sharp and focused on her.

 

“Leave.” Kaz replied, not a hint of anything but malice in his voice. Inej wouldn’t be scared off so easily. He’d have to work harder than that. They’d done this dance before, Inej was as stubborn as he was.

 

Shove it, Dirtyhands. Fuck off, Demons.

 

“No.” Inej answered coldly. She would not and could not be ordered.

 

“I brought these.” Inej dropped the gloves in between his legs.

 

“Why are you here, Inej? Why aren’t you explaining away the bastard you brought home to your parents?” Kaz asked, his breathing was slowly evening out, but his ribs still moved in uneasy motions. Inej wanted to smooth the hair away from his forehead. She wanted to wrap him in her arms. She wanted.

 

His hands reached for the gloves and he slipped them on in hurried motions, trying and failing to hide his desperation for the armor that had protected him all these years.

 

“I will not, and could not do that, Kaz. Firstly, it is not my explanation to share. Nor are you a bastard. At least not most of the time. Right now? Maybe a little. Secondly, I do not wish to. Get over it, Brekker. I will not be commanded. I’m here because I love you and you love me and you will not tell me otherwise or I will hunt you down.” Inej answered with a voice of steel despite her aching chest, despite her worry for the man she loved.

 

Sometimes, Inej decided, Kaz Brekker needed to be put in place. Maybe Dirtyhands needed to be commanded by a Captain of the True Sea when he was treading water. It was her domain, after all.

 

Kaz’s eyes latched on her then, his gaze narrowed predatorily. Then, to her surprise, he swallowed and nodded. Something akin to respect lit his eyes despite the anger and pain within him.

 

Inej would remember Dirtyhands surrendering to her. Inej would remember how Kaz fought through it. How his eyes had found her from beneath the angry undertow, how he’d reached for her hand to pull him out of the water.

 

Inej watched as Kaz began to push himself up to stand, she stood and rushed for his cane on their bed, returning to find him leaning all of his weight on the wall.

 

“Here.” Inej handed the cane to him and he nodded, not meeting her eyes. He’d hurt his knee as he ran from her parent’s caravan, Inej could tell. He limped heavily even with the help of his walking stick. Inej followed him to the main room of the caravan and he sat on the bed the moment he got close enough. His jaw locked to conceal the wince she’d still seen.

 

Oh, Kaz. Inej wanted… she wanted to do everything to help. She knew she couldn’t, now. Her chest constricted as she remembered how they’d been this afternoon. Only hours ago, she’d cried his name in bliss instead of fear. Only hours ago, they’d been entangled in each other. As close as they’d ever been, as fearless as they’d ever felt.

 

“How the hell am I going to do this, ‘Nej?” Kaz was looking at her now. Inej had seen Kaz Brekker shed a tear only twice, when he’d told her the story of him. The story of Jordie. The Story of his life. Then, when he’d drowned only days ago. A single tear had escaped his eye in the midst of his panic attack.

 

There were tears in his eyes now. Tears that had escaped and rolled down his pale cheeks as he stared at her. He did not look like Kaz Brekker. Nor did he look like Dirtyhands. He looked like Kaz Rietveld, the boy who’d fought to live under his skin. The man who’d only begun to breathe again.

 

Inej never wanted to see Kaz look hopeless again. This was the worst look of Kaz. Hopeless was something she didn’t believe existed in his arsenal.

 

Inej noticed she’d left the door open to the caravan in her hurry, the wind from the winter blew against her back, sending her a gust of hope. Hope she’d hold for the both of them until she could make Kaz see, make him see that they’d get through every battle. He’d promised. She’d hold him to it.

 

“What in Ghezen’s name am I going to say to your parents, Inej? Your mother… I didn’t mean to… I was so violent.” Kaz rubbed his face with a leather clad hand, his eyes exhausted, defeated. Inej took a step toward him before she paused, realizing she should keep the distance, for now.

 

Inej saw no armor behind his eyes. Kaz was sharing the shame, the burden with her. Inej was grateful, she wished it wasn’t necessary. For either of them, ever. She also wouldn’t trade them. Everything about them. Their demons were awful, but they had also led them to each other. Inej would never trade that. Never trade him.

 

Inej had been about to speak when a voice came from the open door behind her.

 

“The truth.” Inej was startled. She hadn’t been listening, she hadn’t been on her guard. Kaz clearly was surprised too, his eyes widened.

 

Inej turned to see Papa in the door way, a bottle of bourbon clutched in his hands, Mama just behind him on the steps. They hadn’t listened to Inej. They’d decided to follow them anyways. Inej didn’t know how to feel.

 

Inej didn’t know how to breathe, Kaz’s eyes were wide and she saw the fear pass over him. The tears on his cheeks could not be hidden. The disarray of his appearance could not be explained away easily. There was no door to hide behind. Kaz was exposed and vulnerable in front of Kahir and Sharya Ghafa.

 

Papa didn’t say anything as he stepped inside and opened the cabinet nearest to the door. Inej saw Mama direct him with a flick of her wrist. Inej didn’t even know what was in that cabinet, but Mama had designed and filled the interior of their caravan. Mama clearly knew what her father was after. Inej let her eyes fall to Kaz who was frozen as he sat on the end of their bed. His tears had not stopped, but they fell silently. His face was frozen in neutrality, only his eyes moved to follow her father’s movement. He did not look at her or Mama.

 

Inej hated this. Inej wanted to drain the Ketterdam harbor so it could never haunt Kaz’s life again. Inej wanted to go back in time, save Kaz. Save Jordie. Kill Pekka Rollins. Step in front of the plow that killed Bram Rietveld, Kaz’s father.

 

Mama came to stand beside Inej, but her eyes were on Kaz. Inej saw the guilt in Mama’s eyes, even though she hadn’t known. It wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t Kaz’s fault, either. Inej couldn’t speak. She was as frozen as Kaz was.

 

Papa pulled out a set of glass tumblers from the back of the cabinet. He set two on the table and uncorked the bottle of bourbon. Papa’s movements were steady, focused. Relaxed, even. Inej wanted to lean into her father’s strength as she had since she was a small girl.

 

Fear whispered to her that something was about to happen.

 

Papa poured two fingers worth of bourbon into each glass on the table before he plucked them up and moved toward Kaz. He stood directly in front of her avri and offered him the glass. Kaz took a deep breath before he grasped the drink with shaking fingers. Papa did not let hold of his tether to Kaz’s eyes. Inej could see it now, the friendship that had bloomed between her father and Kaz. There was something similar to what Inej herself shared with Kaz there, an unspoken language between them. A profound respect.

 

Kaz took a healthy swig of the bourbon, so did Papa. A long moment passed. Mama was equally as frozen beside Inej.

 

“Why are you being kind to me?” Kaz finally whispered, his voice hoarse from the attack that had seized him only minutes ago, from the hurling, the running.

 

Papa looked at Kaz with curious eyes. He raised a dark brow and took another sip of bourbon.

 

“I’ve been asking her the same question for twenty years.” Papa gestured with a finger behind him to Mama.

 

Inej saw it, a flicker of amusement rose in Kaz’s eyes at her father’s joke. Kaz. Kaz come back.

 

“Inej told me you are good with numbers. I’ve also seen it, when we play cards. I want to propose a problem to you, Kaz.” Papa started as he leaned against the work counter by the stove. Kaz quirked his head, his tears had stopped falling but his cheeks were still wet.

 

“What is it?” Kaz rasped. Mama flicked her gaze to Inej for a moment and Inej mirrored her confusion. Inej had no idea where Papa was going with this.

 

“There is one man, and three others. He carries one thousand pounds of silk on his back, going uphill toward the market. One thousand pounds is too heavy for a cart and horse, so he carries it himself. The three others carry no silk and walk easily beside him. A strong man may carry the weight alone, unbothered by the ease of his companion’s gaits; but what would a smart man do?” Papa queried, eyes narrowed on Kaz. Kaz tilted his head, confused.

 

“A smart man would divvy the load. Two-hundred-fifty pounds on each back, his own and his companions. He’d deliver the load faster with help, he would split his profits with his hired help.” Kaz answered with a slow nod, a simple question.

 

“Be a smart man then, Kaz.” Papa said, his tone serious yet gentle. A tone Inej had heard a thousand times.

 

Kaz’s eyes did not show he understood, Inej didn’t yet either. Papa always had a point with his stories. Inej knew it would make sense soon enough.

 

Papa turned his eyes about the room, then he held up a hand. Papa pointed at himself, held one finger up. Mama, two fingers up. Inej, three fingers up. Then, to Kaz. Four fingers up.

 

Inej understood.

 

Kaz was the man with one thousand pounds on his shoulders. Papa wanted their family to carry the load in equal measure.

 

Their family. It was true, Inej realized not for the first time. Kaz was as much a part of this family as anyone else in the room.

 

Kaz swallowed under Papa’s gaze. He’d understood too.

 

“Let us help you carry the weight.” Mama voiced, eyes on Kaz. Mama reached into her jacket pocket and produced a cloth bag. Inej heard ice move about in the contents. Mama had brought ice for Kaz’s knee. Kaz’s eyes were nervous as Mama stepped forward and stretched the bag to Kaz, keeping her fingers as far away from his as possible with careful movements as he grasped the pack. An olive branch, from Mama to Kaz.

 

Kaz nodded in thanks, but his eyes sought out Inej. Inej thought the world could collapse when Kaz’s eyes finally locked on hers once more. This had been what fear had whispered to her, but it had not been something bad. Something good. Something Inej never thought would happen. Kaz had decided, she saw it in his eyes.

 

“Will you help me?” Kaz whispered to Inej.

 

“Always.” Inej stepped forward. She wanted to launch into his arms. She wanted to kiss him. She wanted to thank the Saints. She would, later.

 

“Knives drawn?” Kaz asked, he didn’t care that her parents did not know the meaning of that statement. Inej didn’t either. The world was only theirs, in this moment.

 

“Pistols blazing.” Inej echoed.

 

Kaz took a deep breath. Downed the rest of his bourbon. Set the ice on his knee with a wince. Then he met Papa’s eyes. Then Mama’s. Then Kaz scooted over on the bed as he met Inej’s eyes. He held out a gloved hand. Inej didn’t hesitate to grasp his hand and sit on the bed beside him. His eyes did not move from hers. She saw the fear in his irises, the shame. The regret for what had happened. Inej willed her only reply forward in her eyes. I love you.

 

“I’ll tell you.” Kaz whispered as he turned back to Mama and Papa.

 

Mama pulled a floor cushion out and sat down. Papa took a seat as well. Their eyes were only hopeful, patient. Inej had never loved her family more. Her parents had taken her truth and loved her all the same. They would do the same for her avri. Inej already knew it.

 

“My real…. My real name is Kaz Rietveld.”

 

The story began. Inej sat beside Kaz as he divvied the weight of a thousand pounds, a thousand pounds of harbor water.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Inej sent out a message, silently into the universe.

 

            You’d be so proud of him, Jordie. You’d be so proud of your brother.

 

 

Chapter 77: The Weight of Worthiness

Summary:

Kaz lessens the load.

Notes:

Chapter 77!!!

Guys. One of the most emotional chapters I've ever written. Honestly, I thought about excluding this chapter and letting you all imagine how the conversation went, but I just couldn't. There's so much character development here and I loved it too much to save for the "deleted scenes" (which i will publish at the very end of this story, someday). But I just... I honestly just hope it makes you all feel something. It certainly did for me. <3

I hope you are all excited! Because i included this chapter, there will actually be two more left in this "season" as I've decided to end on a slightly different note than what I'd originally intended. What's coming up... man. I can't wait you guys. Get ready for some serious plot to come forward, some big big things are brewing.

Thank you as always! <3 I love you all to pieces and your support keeps me smiling, more than you know.

Leave me a comment with what you think/feel. This one was hard and painful and I just can't wait to hear what you think. <3

"Touch" by Sleeping At Last. If you want to cry. I always do. Seriously, the song guys.

 

KAZ

 

            He told them. Kaz sat beside Inej, and he ripped and tore and bled to get the words out of his chest. Out of his head. Out of his heart. Out of the water he’d so desperately wanted to drag Jordie’s corpse out of.

 

            Kaz told the Ghafa’s of his family’s farm, not in so much detail, but enough that they’d understand where he’d come from. He uttered his father’s name for the second time in the matter of a week, he remembered the smell of marigolds when he told them of a mother who was more a stranger to Kaz than either of them.

 

            He gripped Inej’s hand tight, this time. When he’d told Inej, he hadn’t held onto her. They hadn’t so much as kissed yet, all those months ago, nearly a year, on the rooftop of the Slat. Now, now Inej was dry land. Inej was the tether of rope that tied him to the safety of the docks.

 

            Inej was a Captain of the Sea and she’d sailed the harbor. Inej wouldn’t let him drown.

 

            He told them of the brother he’d already mentioned once before. Kaz hadn’t been able to say his name, and Inej had done it instead followed by a whisper of four words for only him to hear. “I can help you”.

 

            Kaz had told the Ghafa’s once, only days ago, how Jordie died. He’d told them it was the Queen’s lady plague, and how he and his brother had been on the streets. He hadn’t told them why they’d been on the streets. He hadn’t told them how a plow murdered their father, then how a man masquerading as a savior had murdered their spirits and hopes.

 

            Kaz told them now. Kaz couldn’t focus on anything but prying the words out of his throat with a will sharper than Sankt Petyr. Kaz couldn’t look at them, instead, he’d held his eyes on the one safe haven he’d found in a decade; Inej’s hand in his own.

 

            Kaz hadn’t told them all the details. He hadn’t mentioned the books Jordie bought or his new boots that he tried to return. He hadn’t told them of Saskia’s red ribbon. But he’d managed to tell them the bones of the story, right up until he and his brother lost what little they had. There was no need for the flesh of the tale.

 

There was enough of that to come, if his voice would just work.

 

            “What happened after you lost the money?” Kahir asked in a low voice of concern, referring to the money Jakob- Pekka- had taken from Jordie and Kaz. The money from the sale of their farm. Kaz knew he’d fallen silent. Kaz had been trying, trying for several moments to tell them. To tell Kahir and Sharya, the parents of the woman he wanted to marry, that he’d died. Even if not completely, he had died. Kaz felt Inej’s hand squeeze his gently, encouraging him. He saw the muscles flex in her hand at the motion. Alive. Inej was alive.

 

            He was alive, too. He’d made it this far.

 

            The water was brushing his ankles as Kaz envisioned the silhouette of his brother coughing and leaning against a brick wall for a smidge of warmth, the last time he’d sat down. Jordie would never stand back up. Why should Kaz stand again? What had he done to earn this moment, this chance, to live?

 

            “We were kicked out of the room we’d been staying in. We had no money, no shelter, no food, nothing.” Kaz ground out through a locked jaw and a deep breath against the tide of skin and cold water in his mind’s eye. He felt his cheeks were wet, but he couldn’t remember his eyes beginning to water again. He couldn’t remember how he’d managed to come to the conclusion this was a good decision, to tell Inej’s parents who he was. What he was. They’d never want him to be with Inej. Not after the next chapter in the tale of a farm boy.

 

            A boy from the barrel that had become something worse.

 

            “Then the plague hit, you told us that.” Sharya said softly. Urging him to continue.

 

Kaz willed his eyes to look at them. He couldn’t. If he let go of the sight of Inej’s hand, he’d drown. He was sure of it.

           

            “Do you know what they do with the dead, in Ketterdam?” Kaz asked quietly. His voice was still hoarse from the puking and the running. Graveled and raspy and reminiscent of the very plague he spoke of now. The reason why his voice dragged in the first place. He had no idea what he’d sound like if his throat hadn’t been damaged from the sickness that killed his brother.

 

            “No…” Sharya and Kahir both whispered, clearly confused where Kaz was going with this. He opened and shut his mouth.

 

How? How could he do this? The water splashed at his knee caps. Rising to take him under.

 

You shouldn’t be doing this, little brother. You can’t heal. You shouldn’t be here at all.

 

Jordie.

 

“They burn bodies, far out in the harbor. ‘Dead boats’ are what they call the gondels that take the dead out, Reaper’s barge is where they burn the corpses. Ketterdam is too wet for graveyards to stay… buried.” Inej said quietly to her parents, her hand was still in his, holding him together.

 

Let me live, Jordie. This isn’t you. This isn’t what you’d want for me. You’re a demon singing in the song of my brother. My brother wanted me to live. Let me go. Please. Haven’t I served my sentence?

           

            “My brother got sick. The plague… it causes a severe cough. The kind that breaks ribs. The fever is unbearable. Sores all over your skin. It’s contagious unlike any other sickness I’ve heard of. Too much to handle for even the most skilled healers and medics. We didn’t… we didn’t have anywhere to stay safe. Or warm. Then a storm hit. Freezing rain and sleet. Shops were boarded over. No man or woman was dumb enough to let a sick boy into their home. We were alone.” Kaz swallowed on the end of his words. He felt it rising. Inej took a deep breath beside him, he didn’t need to look at her to know what she wanted.

 

            He took the next breath with Inej. He heard Kahir take a long drink of bourbon. Sharya said nothing, but he felt her eyes on him. Kaz wondered if he looked up, if he could, what he would see. Pity? Concern? Disgust?

 

            “I tried… you have to understand I tried to stay awake, but the plague came for me, too. I couldn’t breathe right, over the coughing. I think one or two of my ribs were fractured, but I never found out. It was itchy. It was cold. I couldn’t keep my eyes open once the fever set in.”

 

            His waist was submerged. He clung tighter to Inej’s hand.

 

            “Kaz.” Inej whispered. Her voice called from the land, her hand gripped his tighter, she was pulling him back to shore with sureness and kindness. Her voice lent give to the muscles in his eyes, they sought her out.

 

            Chocolate eyes and bronze skin and the loveliest smile waited for him on the horizon. Inej would be there. He had to do it. Even if her parents hated him after this. He had to try for Inej. He had to try and earn her.

 

            “Did medics… did they find you once your brother was gone?” Sharya asked, her voice slow and unsure. She hoped this was the worst of his nightmare. Kaz wished it was. He wished it had ended there. He’d still be angry and bitter and cold, but maybe, he’d just be a monster. Not the something worse. Or maybe he would have healed better. Maybe he’d have met Inej and have been able to tell her right away that she was lovelier than anything he’d ever deserve. Maybe he’d have found her in the Menagerie before Charles Hester. Maybe he’d have been a man.

 

            A man instead of monster.

 

            He felt Inej tense slightly beside him at her mother’s question. He’d tensed too.

 

The water was rising faster, his breaths turning unsteady in the waves. He couldn’t feel Inej’s hand anymore. He couldn’t feel her. It was all cold. He missed her warmth. The water nipped and scratched at his throat. He heard Kahir say his name. Kaz couldn’t answer. Inej?

 

“Kaz,” Her voice called. He didn’t know he’d gotten her name out of his mouth when his lungs were filling with the water Death himself drank. Inej.

 

His eyes were squeezed shut but he saw the blank stares of the dead. He couldn’t feel Inej’s hand. He wanted to feel her. Where was her warmth? Did he have to freeze once more?

 

Kaz willed his hands to move, willed his eyes to open. His vision was blurred with tears or harbor water; he wasn’t sure which. But he needed to feel her. He didn’t know what he was doing. But he needed Inej. Her life. Her warmth.

 

Kaz dropped her hand. Her voice called his name again, but he needed to feel the pulse. It was different now. He needed to feel her near. He just needed her.

 

Kaz ripped the leather off of his hand in a quick motion, reaching back for Inej’s fingers with blurred and narrowed vision. Inej’s breath hitched as he entwined their fingers, skin to skin.

 

The hands that his body knew were safe. The hands that meticulously removed thorns from his splintered heart. The hands that had callouses from knives wielded beside him in the heat of battle and the worn feel of ropes from a ship sailed for justice.

 

His thumb sought her pulse in the vein on her delicate wrist, under a bracelet made by a suli girl they’d helped rescue. It was different this time. His armor cast aside allowed him to breathe, allowed him to feel her waves instead of the harbor’s.

 

Mera nadra. My Sea.

 

“The medics didn’t find us.” His voice didn’t shake as much, he could breathe. Inej’s hand gripped his own, tighter than ever before, but he knew she could handle it. He knew he could handle it. It was more than he’d ever imagined.

 

Kahir and Sharya shared a look between them born of confusion, Kaz knew because he’d achieved the impossible and turned his chin up to see them. The water still brushed his chest, but he wanted to look at them. He wanted to try to face this head on. He hadn’t been able to when he told Inej. Now, Inej was beside him and she knew everything. She knew him. She knew his shame, his crimes, his failures. Kaz could face it with his avri. When he’d told her, he’d been afraid she’d never look at him the same way again. He’d been right. After that, she looked at him like she loved him. Because she did. He believed it, now.

 

“When I woke up, my brother was dead. I don’t know how long I drifted in and out of consciousness, but… the body men came. I was so small; I couldn’t even tell them… I couldn’t get my throat to work, my body was so weak. They thought I was dead, too.” Kaz voiced against the bars of his skin-made prison. Rietveld shouted the words so loud that they managed to escape his lips in a whisper.

 

“Oh saints.” Sharya mumbled softly, her bangle clad wrist caught the light of the lantern on the table beside her, she placed a hand over her chest. Kahir laid a hand on his wife’s shoulder, strength in every motion as he shifted his attention back to Kaz. Inej squeezed his hand. His tears still fell in silent trails, but he found her eyes.

 

“I love you. I’m proud of you.” He could hear her words despite her silence, her eyes delivered her message.

 

“I lost consciousness as they threw me on a cart with the dead. When I woke… when I woke up, I was on reaper’s barge.” Kaz’s voice was a whisper, but he knew they’d heard when Sharya’s eyes turned glassy. Despite her reaction, her look didn’t speak of pity. Somehow, her face only told Kaz she felt… she felt horror. Horror for him. Fear for his younger self. Not pity.

 

“Fuck.” Kahir said in a sharp whisper. Kaz hadn’t heard Inej’s father curse at all, he saw Inej’s eyes widen. Clearly it was a rare occurrence. Kahir downed his bourbon and poured another for himself, filling Kaz’s forgotten glass on the table too. Kahir offered it to Kaz but he convinced his neck to shake his head. Not yet. Kaz would accept that bourbon after he finished.

 

And Kaz would finish. As Inej would say, it would be a close thing. But it would be done. Brick by brick. Drop by drop, the water would drain.

 

“I tried, I tried to scream. There was no one there to hear me. I was only nine, and I was so weak. The… the bodies were everywhere. Bloated and rotting and filled with harbor water. Dead eyes and the smell of death. It was… I can’t… I can’t explain it.” Kaz stuttered with a deep breath, Inej traced a circle on the top of his hand with her thumb. Once, it would have sent him flying from the room. Now, his lungs found fresh air in the aftermath of her sea breeze against his skin.

 

Kahir took a deep breath and his hand made a loose fist on his crossed legs. Sharya reached to his shoulder to grip his other hand, looking for her own strength in her husband.

 

“I would have died out there if I didn’t make it back to land… but I couldn’t swim that far. My legs were short and I was weak, but my fever had broken and I didn’t want to die even if they… if those corpses told me I already was…” Kaz’s voice cracked, but he forced his chin up, he kept his eyes open in the blur of the tears.

 

“My brother’s body… it was floating. I needed to get back to land. I needed a raft.” He choked. Inej scooted closer to him. Kaz wanted to do this. He had to do it. Kaz didn’t know if this would be the last time he told his story, but he’d done it with Inej. Her parents deserved to know him.

 

“I used my brother’s… I used Jordie to get back to land. His skin, the sores… his skin peeled. It came off on my hands as I tried to stay afloat in the current. I... I made it back to land but... I never got to pull my brother out with me.” Kaz heard Sharya’s breathing hitch, he caught the glimmer of tears to match his own rolling down the acrobat’s cheeks. Kahir looked like he wanted to punch something. Kaz understood. Kaz would have taken vengeance on the water if he could have. He stole a glance to Inej. Her eyes were focused only on him, on his breathing, he realized.

 

Inej was holding their raft afloat, all hands on deck.

 

“The skin.” Sharya whispered. She’d understood. She was looking at her own hands, a guilt in her eyes that Kaz would not allow to grow.

 

“You didn’t know because I didn’t tell you. Mati en sheva yelu, Sharya.” Kaz whispered. Inej’s mother’s eyes darted to him at the use of the suli apology, softening immediately.

 

“So the gloves… they aren’t a part of your… title, in Ketterdam. That’s not actually why you wear them.” Kahir said now, voice rumbling in understanding. Kaz knew the Ghafa’s were aware who he was, what legends were told of him. Inej had told them when she’d shared her own truth, back on their first visit to Ketterdam to reunite. They’d also heard enough, Kaz was sure. His name reached far. They’d spent two weeks in Ketterdam just before they’d come home to Aska Vasman. They obviously knew his hands were not deformed, but now they knew that he did not wear the gloves just to aid in the myth of Dirtyhands.

 

“I became what I am because I wanted revenge. Because I… because when I was young, when I joined the Dregs in exchange for food and kruge and a mat under a roof to sleep on, I couldn’t let anyone near me. I… I’m not right. I know that. I used violence, ruthlessness and absolute presentation of insanity to ensure no one would come close to me again. I became untouchable because I was. Literally,” Kaz paused, his heart hammered against his lungs. This would be it. He’d almost had it all. There was no way they’d accept him for Inej after this. He knew it was still her choice, but he didn’t know how he’d handle Inej’s despair when her parents finally saw him for what he was and revoked this kindness. How could he possibly deserve her? He didn’t. Even if he tried his best. “I killed. I’ve murdered. I’ve stolen. I’ve lied and manipulated and I’ve felt no remorse. I’ve gambled with the lives of the men beside me, I have taken everything the world refused to give to me. I am not a good man, nor do I deserve to sit here. I know that. I know it won’t matter, but I won’t forgive myself if I don’t tell you that I’ve tried. That I survived, but I never lived. Not until Inej. I will not and do not deserve any of your kindness, but the one thing I will say is I love your daughter. I love her and I can’t say I’m sorry for it because I will not lie to you. I made that vow to myself the day I met you both on the docks. If I’m nothing else, I’m a monster of my word.” Kaz’s voice felt dry as he admitted it.

 

His greatest sin had been laid bare on the table. His greatest sin had been falling in love with their daughter. Their daughter, who refused to let go of his hand, even though he began to loosen their fingers with daggers in his chest. Their daughter, who whispered his name in a command of a Captain. Their daughter, who he’d never understood why she’d looked at him in the first place. Hadn’t that been what he’d said to Geels about his girl, once? Inej never should have looked at barrel scum like him, either. Just like the girl Geels loved. He’d spoken his own truth that day, even if he hadn’t been ready to admit it.

 

Kaz’s eyes had found their hands again. He knew he should look up. Be a man, Brekker. Grow some balls. You knew this was coming. You had no right to ask them before you told them the truth. Inej shouldn’t have to face the future with a man she can’t bring back to Aska Vasman.At least Kaz had seen it. He’d gotten to know what it felt like. He wouldn’t leave Inej, but he’d understand if she left him after this. Leaving her was no longer an option. She was his spirit’s match and he would not leave her. He’d made a promise to her, on the ship. He was still fighting. Kaz just needed her to fight, too. He hoped she’d want to. He’d let himself start to believe in the idea that he had a family, a place amongst them.

 

His heart didn’t listen to the terrible odds. There was a stupid flicker of hope in his chest that they wouldn’t tell him how much of a bastard he was. That they’d… that they’d allow him to stay. That they’d accept him. They knew what he was before this, maybe they would look at him the way they had when he’d shown them the coin.

 

Jordie’s voice told him that it was different, when the admission came from his own lips. They’d know just how true the rumors were. That it was never just myth that shrouded him in solitude. He’d chosen his path. They’d know Dirtyhands was him. Not the other way around.

 

“You told me once, daughter, that he was the strongest man you’d ever met. He’s the strongest man I’ve ever met, too.” Kahir Ghafa’s voice boomed in the silence following Kaz’s confession. Kaz’s eyes raced to the man, confused. What did that mean? Kahir met his gaze and Kaz felt Inej nod next to him in her father’s direction.

 

“What you’ve done, that is not mine to judge. That is yours to carry or heal. I, personally, believe that this is what healing looks like. It is not easy or tame. It is feral and angry and ugly. But you’re doing it, and I’m proud. I’m proud to know the man and not the legend. You are worthy, Kaz Rietveld. You are worthy because you are aware of your wrong doing, even if you’ve done it to survive. You are worthy because your single wish was to tell me that you love my daughter. Our daughter. For that, I will always respect you. You are only more welcome at my table now than you were before.” Kahir said as he looked Kaz directly in the eye, a seriousness laid in his tone that Kaz didn’t understand at first.

 

It was honesty. Pure and unfiltered and genuine.

 

“I am not as poetic as my husband, but it will be the honor of my life to carry my share of your weight, Kaz Rietveld.” Sharya’s voice came next. Kaz was frozen, his eyes flicking between both Sharya and Kahir. Inej’s hand tightened in his. He couldn’t look at her yet. He had to… he had to understand.

 

“You… you don’t want- I don’t understand.” Kaz admitted in a stupor.

 

“You thought we’d reject you.” Kahir raised a hand to stop him. Kaz managed a nod.

 

“That is not what family does. We would not have told you that you were family before this evening if we had not meant it. You have gained yourself a family, Kaz. We do not falter. We do not walk away when things are dark. You are a part of this, now. Inej chose you. We chose you, too.” Kahir held firm in his words. Sharya was nodding beside him, eyes focused on Kaz intently.

 

They’d meant it. They still meant it. The Ghafa’s had stayed after the nightmare, just like Inej. Family.

 

“My turn.” Inej huffed with a small tug on his hand, and Kaz would have laughed at her tone in any other moment. He slowly tore his eyes from the Ghafa’s to meet Inej’s gaze.

 

“You will not be rid of me, mera chaar. Etma se saman. I love you. I know and love all of you and you will damn well recognize that.” Inej’s eyes shined with glass, tears unshed.

 

Kaz did not think. He forgot the water. He’d made it to land. Kaz leaned in to her and brushed his lips against hers, uncaring and unbothered of her parents’ presence. He had to do it. It was the soonest he’d ever been able to touch Inej after drowning.

 

Kaz kissed Inej, he did not drown. He did not carry a thousand pounds on his back anymore. He’d shared the weight with his family. He’d been a smart man.

 

Kaz had clung to his shame like he’d clung to his brother’s body. It had seemed like the strong thing to do, like the man in Kahir’s story. Kaz understood now.

 

Strength was found in letting go.

Chapter 78: To The Girl She'd Been

Summary:

A 'see you later' to Aska Vasman.

Notes:

Chapter 78!!!!

Okay guys. We're leading up to this "season" finale!!!! I'm so ready. I'm so so ready. This one is slower, leading us up to the finale. I promise you something special, though. <3 Also, this one is set up a tad different than normal, the first part (Kaz's perspective) is several days before Inej's, as you'll notice. You'll understand when you read but I just wanted to clarify, and I felt I needed to include Kaz's perspective after the last chapter. ALSO, I had way less time to edit and I'm so so sorry if this one isn't quite as good. Anyways, I hope you guys love it, and I can't wait for what's coming. Literally, I'm so hyped. Both for the end of this season and where we are going next. <3

Thank you a million times over, as always. I'll never stop because I love you guys so much and can't explain what your support means to me.

Drop me a comment with what you think! I'll be getting back to everyone, hopefully in the next few hours. Again, sorry I'm slow! I read every comment though and you're all such treasures. <3

"Everything She Does Is Magic" by Sleeping At Last. (For Kaz's perspective, both times. Even the end. You'll see what I mean.)

KAZ

 

            His eyes felt tired even as he opened them in the dawn light of their caravan, lids still swollen slightly from the night before. Kaz didn’t know when he’d fallen asleep, it all felt like a dream. A dream proved true by the way Inej’s arm was draped over his middle, soft snores echoing from her head pressed into his chest. A dream of love, he was convinced, even as he pulled her closer and stared at the ceiling. It had all been some twisted glimpse of a life he could not possibly attain, a life he didn’t deserve. Yet, here he was.

 

The Ghafa’s had not only heard his truth, they’d accepted it. Accepted the boy of broken parts and shattered morals. The man who was trying his best, his saints-damned best to earn every smile Inej Ghafa shed, every moment of peace he’d found and every smattering of kindness the suli family had shown him during his time in Aska Vasman. They’d promised never to utter his true-name to anyone outside of their family, even to Khalid and Rahul. Even to Jesper and Wylan in Ketterdam. Kaz trusted Jes and Wy, but if he ever told them… it would have to be for himself. Sharya and Kahir understood when Kaz had looked at them, the closest he’d ever come to begging, for them to hold this secret as if it were their own.

 

It wasn’t for the same reasons that it had always been, that Kaz needed this secret kept. Those reasons still existed, though. He couldn’t let his name be discovered in Ketterdam, he couldn’t let everything he’d worked for fall from underneath him. He couldn’t let anyone know he held the Rietveld name, otherwise the stocks he’d bought under his surname would be revealed as his own. His farm… that could be in danger, too.

 

That was the newest reason, or rather, the oldest reason, shown in new light. Kaz wanted to have his real name for the somedays. The someday he thought might come. The someday where he might choose to let Kaz Brekker die. The someday when he might retire the violence. The someday when he might shed the skin of Dirtyhands. The someday where maybe… maybe he’d be Kaz Rietveld again. With Inej. Somewhere far away from the empire he’d built, but maybe wouldn’t burn down. Maybe it would continue. Maybe it would be something else. Criminals and a reign of ashes and something… something more.

 

It was fragile. His idea for someday. His loose idea for the something more he could leave behind. Something he wasn’t ready to cement into his mind. Something he was afraid of, in the best way possible. Something he’d live for, in every fight between now and whenever it would be when he could consider the possibility.

 

Somehow, Kaz Brekker had found a reason to live. Not a reason to survive. A reason to… look ahead, to really live. No, he’d found many reasons. More than he could have imagined. Inej. Jesper. Wylan. The Ghafa’s. Nani. Even Khalid and Rahul. Cara and Lina.

 

All of them encompassed a bit of the magic he was still trying to understand.

 

A soft noise of waking escaped Inej as she somehow found a way to pull herself closer to him, her legs entwining with his under the sheets.

 

“You’re scheming. I don’t usually see scheming face first thing in the morning.” Inej mumbled, her head not lifting from its pillow made of his arm. Kaz chuckled as he turned his head slightly to look down at her. She was burrowed into his side and looked perfectly content to stay right where she was, but he saw a hint of nervousness in her still sleepy eyes. Kaz wanted to know what it was, but Inej beat him before he could speak.

 

“You’re not scheming how to run from this are you? Because you did the right thing last night, Kaz. I want you to know it.” Inej whispered, her caramel eyes pleading him to believe her. She didn’t need to worry. Not a bit. In fact, he’d only schemed in the opposite direction, though her assumption was fair. It’s what he’d always led her to believe he’d do, even if that had changed recently.

 

 Inej had seen him fall to the ground behind the closed door of their caravan, after her parents had left last night. She’d seen his tears fall, tears of the boy he’d been, who’d swam for ten years to reach the surface of his mind once more. Inej had pulled him into her arms and she’d let him well and truly fall apart. It wasn’t his proudest moment, but Inej would never use his weakness against him. Kaz hadn’t let himself feel it all while her parents were here, he wouldn’t have fallen to the ground in front of them. He was still Kaz Brekker, his pride would always stay, even if they’d seen him disheveled and close to breaking. Inej was the one person alive who had seen him crumble, who’d seen the tears fall freely and seen his ribs crack as he tried to breathe. For once, it hadn’t been from drowning, but instead, from the grief. The grief of his own life, for his brother, for his father, for himself. He’d not recoiled from her touch, instead, he’d let Inej in. He let her see all of it, and he let her hold his pieces together until he could do it on his own once more. Kaz was glad, in some way, that it had been here, in Ravka. Not in Ketterdam where his mask could not and would not slip.

 

“Not scheming to run. Scheming to stay.” Kaz answered truthfully, he was both void and exhausted of armor. His words held nothing reminiscent of guardedness, and he found… he found he was beginning to prefer it that way. To not have to think so fucking hard before he let anything slip from his mouth. At least with Inej, with all those he trusted.

 

“To stay?” Inej whispered up to him, her arm tightening over his middle.

 

“To stay. For good.” Kaz turned his eyes back to her and he saw the smile bloom across her face, he saw the way her eyes lit up. He’d like to see her smile like that every day. It would be his greatest scheme yet. He was ready for it.

 

“I hope you mean with me, not here in Ravka. I know Mama cooks well, but I miss my ship. And the crows. Both literal and the music-playing and gun-shooting kind.” Inej giggled and Kaz felt his own lips turn into a grin.

 

“With you, Inej. Besides, I couldn’t stay in Ravka. I have too many things to do in Ketterdam. You know, demon-ing, monster-ing. All very serious business. Besides, I bet Anika is about ready to start pulling her hair out from the responsibility at this point. She did not want to step up as boss in my absence. Maybe both sides of her head will match now, after she’s found out what it takes to keep the Dregs in order.” Kaz joked and Inej’s laugh that followed was better than coffee. He was wide awake now.  

 

“I wonder if Jes has had any trouble with the club… you don’t think the temptation…” Inej trailed off as she rubbed a hand in a soothing circle across his abdomen through his shirt. Kaz thought about it for a moment, of course he’d wondered the same thing. If he’d made a mistake in asking Jesper to look after the Crow Club while he was gone. Jesper was still in recovery, he might always be in recovery. Kaz thought he himself would be, from his own demons.

 

“Jes wasn’t to be allowed on the main floor of the club, and numbers were to be delivered to him personally, in the safety of the Van Eck mansion. Rotty was over-seeing the dealers, Pim on the job of security and Anika took care of shift scheduling for the rest of the staff. If Jesper was needed, Wylan and/or Anika was to go in his place as a stand in for owner-representation. I took precaution, Inej. I think… fuck I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but, I think we need to have faith in Jesper. He needs to know we all trust him… that I trust him. As an owner of the club, of course.” Kaz answered genuinely. He knew though. He knew he meant that Jesper needed to know that he trusted him for more than the club. Jesper had earned it. Jesper was his brother now, in all ways besides blood. Kaz was learning to hand his trust over to his friends, too. It was slow, hard, and one of the greatest challenges that Kaz had ever faced. A challenge beyond what Kaz thought he was capable of. Kaz was doing it though, just as Kahir had said the night before. He was choosing to heal instead of carry. For the first time.

 

“Your mind is glorious, Kaz Brekker.” Inej chuckled at the end of his words, clearly she hadn’t known just how many precautions he’d taken to hand the club over to Jesper for this single month away from Ketterdam.

 

“I can use it for a great many things, Inej. Don’t tempt me.” Kaz grinned crookedly.

 

“I don’t think I need to do much to tempt you.” Inej purred as she lifted her head to lay a kiss to his shoulder. She mumbled something like “cheeky” under her breath as her lips touched him.

 

“No, you don’t.” Kaz groaned as Inej began to move to get up out of the warmth of the bed. He snatched her wrist, keeping her planted with a gentle and firm grip. She only laughed and rolled her eyes, giving into his silent wish for her to stay, just a little longer.

 

“We have to go train with Cara, and we both know Khalid is going to expect me for a run. As much as I’d like to plant his face into a snow drift for making me do it first thing in the morning.” Inej sighed but her actions betrayed her words. She was snuggling back down into the sheets, into him.

 

“Khalid can wait. We’ll be on time to see Cara and Lina. Until then…” Kaz was already brushing his lips against her collar bones, displayed from the open buttons of his shirt on her body.

 

“We have three days, mera chaar, then you’ll be on a ship with me alone for a week until we get back to Ketterdam. You can wait.” Inej tried for serious, but her eyes fluttered shut as he traced his lips over the base of her throat, he was learning Inej’s most sensitive spots. It thrilled him. Kaz was pleasantly surprised to be reminded that he would indeed have a full week on the ship with Inej before they arrived back in Ketterdam, back into the throes of reality and smog. Of course he knew it to be true, but he hadn’t let himself think on it since they’d crossed new barriers. Now, that week with Inej was even more appealing. The time they could use working, both on schemes and on each other. Kaz felt his stomach flip in happy anticipation.

 

“Fine. If I must share with Khalid, I will concede only because I see you more of the year than he does.” Kaz mumbled with a final touch of his lips to Inej’s throat. He let her wiggle out of his grasp and get out of the bed, she sent him a beaming smile before she shut the bathroom door.

 

Inej had no idea that Kaz would dress as soon as she left with Khalid. That he had somewhere he needed to be, as well. Nani had left him a note on their caravan’s steps the day before. He needed to retrieve something from the elder woman, and Inej was not to know about it. Not yet.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

INEJ

 

            Inej was exhausted. Her muscles were sore, her feet strained, her shoulders heavy but in perfect form. It was the type of exhaustion Inej loved, the type that made her heart fly and her lungs expand easily. Inej finished packing up her bag on the bed in their caravan, reflecting. Happy, yet sad.

 

 It had been two days of meticulous training, seeing over Cara’s learning, implementing a method of communication that she had also taught her father in order for the young acrobat to train in classes Papa taught once Inej was gone. It was simple enough, reliant on communication with movement of feet on the wire, so the other acrobats would feel Cara’s intentional vibrations. Kaz and Lina had helped to translate and Inej had managed to get the Cara confident enough on the low wire that she would be able to trust Papa to take over her training. Lina had eagerly agreed to come to her sister’s practices in the future, in order to provide translation to the other children and Papa, Lina had said she’d work on her sewing from the sidelines and Inej couldn’t be more proud of the two girls that she and Kaz had helped save.

 

            For the past two days, Inej had run with Khalid, then trained with Cara, then spent the afternoon learning a routine for the show in Os Kervo under Papa and Mama’s careful instruction. Inej had been convinced in no small part by Kaz, who’d laid in bed beside her the night before and had openly admitted he wanted to see the show. The boyish smile she’d seen on his lips had won her over, her avri, the man who loved magic. Who loved her. How could she turn down the opportunity to see the world from the sky once more?

 

            The night before, Inej and Kaz had actually had dinner in the company of Pari and Sai, Inej’s cousin and her husband. It had been… odd, but not unenjoyable. Inej had promised them on her first night in Aska Vasman to make the time to see them, and Inej had wanted to see Mahira again, their baby daughter. Surprisingly, Kaz had managed to have a conversation about Ketterdam with a curious Sai, and Inej had actually seen the man crack a smile in the face of Kaz Brekker. Inej had also gone with Khalid after their morning runs to see a few of the friends Inej had trained with when she was young, it had been both therapeutic and a strange thing. A strange thing to see how different her life had been from those of her old life. The life she’d had before she’d been taken and sold into the Menagerie. Inej had felt that familiar twinge of loss, but it had been lessened the moment she thought of Lina and Cara, of her crewmates, of the others she’d saved since she rose to become Captain Inej Ghafa.

 

            Inej had actually managed to see all those she intended, and her heart was full. Inej knew she’d return again, return to the caravans and to those she loved even as she grew into something more.

 

            Inej Ghafa’s heart resided in many places. In the lantern light of Aska Vasman, in the pocket of a thief with a crooked grin, amongst the shingles of slanted rooftops in Ketterdam, on the waves of the True-Sea. Inej wouldn’t change a thing. Inej’s soul lived a nomadic life, so reminiscent of her suli roots.

 

            “Are you well?” Kaz rasped from behind her as Inej snapped her bag closed. She was both excited to return to Ketterdam, and also saddened. Sad to leave the familiar company of her parents, to not be lying down beside Kaz in their caravan again, for who knew how long. They’d won battles and had firsts in this room, firsts Inej would remember forever. Inej knew they’d return. She saw the evidence of it from where she stood by the bed. Kaz had tacked the note she’d given him for his birthday to the wall above his nightstand. It said his true-name. Rietveld. It was a piece of them, the first piece that they’d leave behind in the caravan.

 

Next time, they’d bring something else to leave behind. Maybe the bird-feeder Kaz had mentioned. Maybe some of the scented candles Inej and Nina had always stopped to smell in the shop near the University district of Ketterdam. It was two doors down from one of their favorite waffle stops. Maybe they’d bring a dart board like the one Kaz had in their attic. Inej didn’t know, but she couldn’t wait to find out. Inej knew their paths were dangerous, but they had to live. They would live. It wasn’t an option.

 

“Yes, just… it’s… I’m leaving because I want to, this time.” Inej sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed. It was an odd thing; to experience what her life could have been. To have her own caravan, and to now be leaving to return to the city she once thought she’d never wish to be in. Inej reminded herself for perhaps the hundredth time that morning that it wasn’t over yet. They still had tonight in Os Kervo and the night following. Tonight, Inej would make her return to the wire with the troupe who raised her and loved her and saw to it she could balance in the face of the strongest winds. Mama and Papa, Khalid, Uncle Rajesh. They’d all be out there with her. Rahul and Nani were making the journey to Os Kervo to see it, too. They’d be with Kaz in the audience. Inej would not have to bid goodbye to them until after tonight. Then, tomorrow, she and Kaz would attempt to find the man that their captive, John, had spoken of. Inej needed all the leads she could get tracing back to Kane De Vries and his empire of human trafficking, or, respectively, any other slavers. Inej was ready to get back to work, but yet… she wasn’t. It meant telling her family goodbye tonight. Even if it was really a “see you later”.

 

“We’ll come back. Your parents will also visit. If you sail this way, you can always come back if you can spare a few days and know where they’ll be.” Kaz said and Inej flicked her eyes to him as he closed his own bag on the table. Inej knew he was right.

 

“I know. I know.” Inej ran a hand over her braid, preparing herself to walk out of this space that had become so special to her and to lock the door until she or Kaz opened it again.

 

Inej stood and pulled on her coat, ignoring Kaz’s eyes on her. She knew he was calculating how she felt, she could never hide from him. She loved it. She also wished she could hand over her brain so he’d understand just how hard it was to walk away from the place she’d dreamed of in the midst of her nightmares. From the people whose faces had kept her alive as she drowned in false silk and lost her body over and over again.

 

Inej was about to heft up her own bag when she noticed that Kaz had forgotten to pack one of his ties, laying on the dresser.

 

“You forgot this,” Inej grabbed the tie and was poised to open the top of Kaz’s bag to place it within when he startled.

 

“I got it!” Kaz jumped in front of his bag as if his leg didn’t matter at all. Inej raised a brow, confused by his jumpiness. It was something she’d never seen from him. Inej had gone into his bag many times since they’d been here, to grab her blades or to fetch the spare bar of soap for the bathroom that he’d packed for them. Inej didn’t understand, he hadn’t seemed bothered to share their luggage before.

 

“What was that about?” Inej laughed as Kaz slipped the tie into his bag with his back turned to her, he moved in hurried motions.

 

“Nothing. I just… I’m a particular packer, that’s all.” Kaz grumbled and Inej saw his shoulders ease once the bag was firmly shut once more.

 

“What are you hiding?” Inej sauntered toward the bag but Kaz was already slinging it over his arm in a… protective movement? Now Inej’s curiosity was peaked.

 

“Nothing, Inej.” Kaz swallowed, his eyes already trained on the door as if willing it to burst open with a distraction. Inej was confused, but they needed to get going. The wagons to take them to Os Kervo were waiting. She’d have to let it go, for now.

 

“You do not lie well in the face of me, mera chaar.” Inej chuckled as she turned and lifted her own bag.

 

“It’s nothing, I… don’t worry about it. Deal?” Kaz rasped as he opened the door to the caravan, taking one last sweeping glance about their space. Inej saw his dark eyes soften a bit, too. Inej realized this was one of the only places that Kaz had ever been safe. She’d known it when he’d fallen apart in her arms the other night after he’d told her parents his story, when they’d pushed their barriers as far as they could, all within this room.

 

“Fine,” Inej sighed, caving. Kaz would tell her when he was ready, Inej decided as she walked and reached for his hand. Kaz grabbed hers easily, pausing them in the doorway of the caravan. He took a step closer to her, his eyes burned and Inej quirked her head in question

 

“Next time we’re here,” Kaz whispered to her, “I’m going to be able to love you the right way. Our bed in there will be the scene of much more, next time. Next time, I will love you without armor, Inej. I will get there. We will get there. And we will come back. That’s a promise.” Kaz’s voice dragged low and deep, something fierce flamed behind his words.

 

 

Inej had not expected this promise from him, her heart fluttered as he sealed his own deal with a kiss to her temple. Inej realized this promise was as much to himself as it was to her. It was a vow that they’d keep working, keep living.

 

“I promise we will.” Inej vowed in return, she had too many words to elaborate more. Her eyes held onto his, and she willed all of her other vows forward in her irises. She knew Kaz understood when he squeezed her hand and nodded once.

 

The deal was the deal.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“We’ll meet you at the tent in an hour. We need to go into the city and check into our inn for the next two nights.” Inej said to the troupe of her family around her. Mama, Papa. Khalid, Rahul. Nani. Uncle Rajesh. They’d just arrived outside of Os Kervo, after a very long and bumpy wagon ride on the snow-trodden path from Aska Vasman. It was a journey supposed to only take a few hours, it had taken four. Inej hadn’t minded, though.

 

This morning, she and Kaz had left Aska Vasman with several goodbyes. To Pari and Sai, and Mahira. Mahira who had repeated her favorite word, “chidi”, when Kaz had managed a smile in the face of the infant and let her touch the Crow’s head of his cane. Then, a good bye to Lina and Cara. Lina had cried when she’d hugged Inej. Inej had cried too, though she hadn’t let the little girl see.

 

Then, Cara had hugged Kaz Brekker. Fiercely. He’d been completely unaware the hug was coming, and the girl had charged toward him after a conversation in the silent language that Inej wished she’d understood, but thought, perhaps, belonged only to Kaz and Cara. He’d been wearing his gloves and jacket, no skin touched him. Inej had watched with Lina as Kaz swallowed and laid his own hands on the girl’s shoulders. Inej heard Mama and Papa pause as they loaded the caravan, now they understood the gravity of Kaz’s movements, too. Kaz had pulled away and signed something to Cara with his back turned to the rest of them, but Inej saw the girl’s smile, saw her eyes light up at whatever it had been that Kaz told her. Inej would never forget the smile Kaz wore as he walked back to her, a smile that told her he was truly happy. Proud of himself for something other than a scheme.

 

She’d damn-near dragged him out of sight of the others around the wagon, ignoring his clear confusion. Then, she’d tasted that smile.

 

            Inej took hold of Kaz’s proffered hand as they walked down the short path from the stationary suli performance tents toward the city proper. Inej was content with their easy silence, the only sound was of Kaz’s cane on the cobblestone and their breath as they entered the city streets of Os Kervo once more.

 

            A while later, Inej leaned against the wall of a building as she watched Kaz down near the docks. She’d stayed with their bags as Kaz poised himself as a kerch trader, looking to meet a business partner at the brothel and tavern their captive had mentioned, “Lady’s Skirts and Spirits”. Kaz was speaking to another kerch man on the docks who pointed toward one end of the boardwalk, Kaz nodded beside him.

 

 They intended to check into whichever inn had vacancy nearest to the brothel they’d be staking out the next day. Inej didn’t particularly care where they stayed so long as she got a heading on the slavers that had targeted Aska Vasman, and would have succeeded if she and Kaz had not been there. Inej’s mind was only on the tasks ahead of her. The show. Then, their work tomorrow before they’d sail back toward Ketterdam the following morning.

 

“How’d it go?” Inej asked as Kaz made his way back to her, reaching for his cane that leaned beside her on the wall. He’d gone down to the Docks without it, not wanting to take the chance of any kerch trader recognizing the symbol of Kaz Brekker.

 

“It’s not far from here. I think we might as well check into the inn we saw a few blocks over. It should only be a ten-minute walk from there to the tavern tomorrow.” Kaz answered, his eyes already forming a path and a plan.

 

Not thirty minutes later, she and Kaz and procured a room above a seedy restaurant, it smelled too strongly of garlic but it was available when they needed it. It wasn’t much, only a small bed and a wash basin, but it would do fine for two nights. It was also secure, there had been guards at the entrance of the establishment. A common practice for inns on the docks in most port cities that Inej had visited. Most importantly, it was close to where they’d need to be the next night.

 

Inej deposited her bag on the ground of the room as Kaz shut the door behind them. She knew she should be grabbing her things to get ready, they should be heading toward the tents. She took a deep breath as she eyed the view of the docks from their second floor window.

 

“What is it?” Kaz asked from behind her. She heard him lean his cane against the wall as she shook her head. Not believing her own motion even as she did it. Inej was nervous. She’d spent so long missing the wire, so long missing her family and the shows and performing. Inej had not considered the idea that she would be nervous. That she would remember what Charles Hester had said to her.

 

“I saw you, little lynx. I remember you.”

 

Inej had spent so long in the shadows, she didn’t know how to step back into a spotlight. There would be so many eyes… she’d be wearing a show outfit. Her confidence was rattled. She felt scared. It was not how she wanted to be, but the past was running circles around her with lazy grins.

 

Kaz laid a hand on her shoulder, Inej hadn’t noticed him nearing. She hadn’t meant to flinch, but she did. She flinched so much she jumped and knocked her head against the wall by the window.

 

“Fuck.” Inej winced as she turned to face Kaz who had taken several steps back from her, his eyes trained on her in question. He hadn’t meant to do it, he’d assumed she’d heard him coming, as she normally did. He’d thought she’d been alright when she hadn’t immediately moved away.

 

“I’m sorry- I thought… are you okay?” Kaz mumbled, linking his hands in front of himself, clearly unsure what to do. Her own demons had been quiet lately, had not railed under his touch. Inej hadn’t expected her own reaction, either.

 

“I- I’m nervous, Kaz. I… there will be so many people. I don’t do this anymore; I did what I had to. I did what you told me. I became a shadow; I’m not used to the idea of… of an audience anymore. He… he remembered me, Kaz. What if… what if someone else remembers me?” Inej stuttered over her words, her eyes focusing anywhere but on him as she reached for each spot where her blades would hang, remembering their names in her mind. A comfort, even when they did not adorn her body.

 

Sankt Petyr.

 

Sankta Alina.

 

Sankta Lizabeta.

 

Sankta Anastasia.

 

Sankta Marya.

 

Sankt Vladamir.

 

Now, Sankta Margaretha.

 

Kaz took a step forward, holding his hands at his sides where she could see them. Inej wished it wasn’t necessary. Inej wanted to fold herself into his embrace, she wanted to step back.

 

“They’ll remember you for a better reason, Inej. You are strong, you are older, you are and will be victorious. You are not the girl you were, you are Inej Ghafa, Captain of a ship and the hunter of slavers.” Kaz’s confidence wrapped around her heart in warm movements, just as she stepped forward and let his arms do the same.

 

“You really think that?” Inej mumbled against his chest, inhaling the scent of him and focusing on the movement of his hand drawing circles on her shoulder blades through her shirt.

 

“I promise, Inej.” Kaz pressed a kiss to her hair and Inej steeled herself within the strong arms of home that were wrapped around her.

 

“We should get going, you promised Sharya to let her do your hair.” Kaz chuckled, the reverberation of his laugh causing her to smile against his chest. Inej nodded, she would be able to do this.

 

She had to. She owed it to the girl she’d been. To the woman she had become.

 

Inej moved to her bag and extricated her small cosmetic pouch with her coal and her hairbrush. She grabbed the wraps she’d wear under her show outfit. She took one last breath. She shut the Demons up as she rolled her shoulders back.

 

“Ready?” Kaz asked from beside the door as she stood.

 

“Ready.” Inej managed a smile as she turned to look at him.

 

“Good, because you’ve been bragging about being an acrobat since I met you, time to put your kruge where your mouth is, Inej.” Kaz grinned crookedly.

 

Inej laughed and smacked him on the arm as she moved past him and out into the hallway. She was ready.

 

Inej Ghafa was stepping back into the spotlight, one more time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

KAZ

 

            Magic was real. She was in front of him, one hundred feet in the air, and shining brighter than he’d ever seen.

 

Chapter 79: Lady Spring

Summary:

Inej returns to the wire. Kaz remembers magic.

Notes:

CHAPTER 79!!!!!

SEASON 3 FINALE!!!!

GUYS. IT'S HERE. I'M SO LATE. SORRY. Anyways, I'm really sorry this took two extra days, but this has been a challenge for me. It's not perfect, I've edited until my eyes bled and i'm sure there's still a million things I'd change, but I poured it all in. I poured everything I could into it, and I just... gah. I'm sorry if there's grammar stuff and etc but this has literally been the most challenging thing to write and try to bring to life and I seriously hope you guys love it. I've dreamt of this chapter for 3 seasons. I can't wait for you to read it. <3 This chapter might be my first favorite, even if i'm still sure I could have made it better. I hope that tells you it's special.

Now, Thank you a million times over. Since I've been gone and working on this chapter the past few days, this story crossed 30k hits. That literally means everything to me, I can't even believe it. I can't believe you guys want to read this story and support it and I can't stop smiling when I think about it. You're treasures of my heart and I love each of you so much. <3 I'll never stop being grateful.

Please. Please. Let me know what you think. Let me know if you're excited for what is to come. Let me know. <3 I'll be hitting up everyone's previous comments now that I'm finally getting this chapter up, but just know, that even if I'm slow getting back, I read every comment and they all mean everything to writers like me. <3

WHO'S READY FOR SEASON 4??!!!! I AM. That's who. I've got it all planned, and I'm ready to roll. Big things guys, big things are coming.

"A Million Dreams" by Ziv Zaifman, Hugh Jackman, Michelle Williams. From "The Greatest Showman". I know it's kind of cliche to chose a song from this movie, but this song with this chapter means everything. This particular version of the song, too. I can only hear Kaz as a boy seeing the coin and then Kaz as a man seeing the acrobat. You'll see what I mean. <3 Please listen. Seriously.

OKAY. I'll shut up. Let the finale commence!

INEJ

 

            Deep breath in, deep breath out. Like the sun shines, so will I. Like the world spins, so will I. Like the waves dance, so will I. Inhale. Exhale.

 

            Leap.

 

 

KAZ

 

            “Welcome! Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight, we tell a story. A story of a girl made fire by an angry God, and how she sought her revenge. We tell a story of a flicker of flame in a history marred by ashes, and my, my, how she burns.” A voice boomed into the tent, deep and unwavering and confident. Kerch, Kaz was glad to hear. It was the most common language in port-cities, it made sense.

 

Kaz was seated around the ring, front row, Nani on his right and Rahul on his left. There were hundreds of people, from every walk of life, gathered in the room around him. Kaz had never seen anything quite like it, children munching on candied nuts and spun chocolate truffles from vendors who set up shop outside the show tents, all the way to an elderly kaelish couple who had stars in their eyes as they hobbled to the low wooden benches across the ring to watch the show. Incense of the richest blooms and spices battered Kaz’s nostrils, mixed with the headiness of the sweets being sold outside the tent flaps. Torches were lit along the aisles of the benches surrounding a massive ring in the center of the tent. Kaz had only been able to see enough to walk to his seat with Nani and Rahul, whom he’d spent the better half of the evening with. Kaz had seen Inej to the small tent behind the main performance ring, and he hadn’t seen her since. Kahir had waved him off in the direction of Nani and sequestered his daughter into the tent, content on keeping the mystery of the show alive. Kaz hadn’t even seen Inej’s practice for this show with her parents, none of them had wanted the surprise ruined.

 

Kaz didn’t know what to expect, but he felt like he was about to see the coin disappear for the first time, all over again. All these years later, in a suli performance tent on the Ravkan coast.

 

Kaz heard the hushed voices of a hundred people, trying to assess where the mysterious voice had come from in the darkness of the center ring. Kaz couldn’t shake the feeling that he knew the voice, but it was not Kahir.

 

“My father.” Rahul leaned over to him and whispered. Inej’s uncle Rajesh, Rahul’s father. Of course. Rajesh was a Ring-Leader, Kaz realized. Somewhere in the darkness, a twinkling noise arose. Cymbals? The soft patter grew heavier, stronger. Some sort of drum joined the patter, like thunder rolling in with his entourage of raindrops. It was music unlike anything Kaz had ever heard before. Menacing in some sort of enchanting way; it reminded him of the creak of shutters on windows just before a storm hit the coast. Not the sound itself, but the feeling of imaginative anticipation of the danger to come.

 

“We begin our tale in the light of day, when the girl… was just a girl.” The voice, Rajesh, promised in the dark. Kaz suspected the suli must have some sort of squaller amongst their troupe, Rajesh’s voice was both centered and everywhere, all at once. An acoustic anomaly that Kaz could only deign as a marvel of the small-science.

 

Fire. Fire flared in the center of the ring, the flames shooting high from some sort of stone opening in the middle of the ground. The flames rose and rose, stopping just short of a wire, a hundred feet in the air, at the very least. The thin streak of an acrobat’s bridge was illuminated by only the fire below. The fire continued, flame after flame igniting in quick succession, until the entirety of the wire’s path was followed by licking tongues of heat, all starting from the first burst of smoldering flame in the center. Gasps sounded around Kaz, hushed moments of awe and fear alike.

 

At the apex of the tent’s pyramid ceiling, torches flared from sconces, alit by phantom hands. The wire was completely visible, but not a soul upon it. The opening at the top of the tent billowed with the black tendrils rising from below, it was a wider opening than Kaz had seen in the practice tents of Aska Vasman, presumably to release the heat and smoke.

 

“Our heroine descended unto the earth, from her home made of clouds, eager to live. Eager to love.” Rajesh’s voice boomed, just as the ring-master himself stepped from around the roaring blaze of flame on the ground of the ring. He wore coal around his eyes, a black jacket with tails etched in bronze silk that caught his every movement. The crowd held their breath as Rajesh held both hands to the sky and clapped in rhythm with the drums of an unseen band.

 

Kaz’s eyes followed the Ring-Master’s gesture, his eyes searching up, up, and up again. Through the clouds of smoke at the apex of the tent, a ring began to descend, steady in its fall, slow and perfectly still.

 

The show was beginning with an entrance from the sky.

 

There was a silhouette draped on the ring, billows of smoke wrapping the performer to aid in the mystery.

 

His bones buzzed a familiar warning. Inej.

 

Inej made her entrance on the ring wrapped in shadow and stillness, the same way she’d snuck into his heart.

 

She was draped with one leg poised in the air, toes pointed perfectly straight, her back arched and her head tilted upward. A silhouette that inspired the greatest artists, a sweep of black from a painter’s brush against a backdrop of brazen orange and gold.

 

Kaz’s breath was caught somewhere in between his lungs and his throat, trapped in the majesty of magic and shadow.

 

“When the girl reached this world, she astonished the dwellers of the ground with grace and beauty that could only be compared to the growth of blooms, reaching to the sky. They called her… Lady Spring.” Rajesh’s words inspired awe, the Ring-Master’s own voice hinting at the emotion of seeing his niece above him, once more. Kaz could feel it, from Nani and Rahul beside him. The purest and rarest magic of the mortal world; love. Rajesh took a turn about the performance ring as Inej crept closer to the wire, perfectly still. The ring master locked eyes with several audience members, tossing fresh roses from the pockets of his coat to ring in Lady Spring.

 

“She spun the earth into color, emeralds and blushes and sky-blue, the brightest hues any man had ever seen. Where she balanced, life… sprung!” Rajesh raised his arms as he twirled.

 

Inej leapt from the ring in the sky, ten feet above the thread of a wire, flames dancing menacingly below. Above, panes of colored glass moved in front of the torches, casting the room into a symphony of indigos and peony. Inej folded herself mid-air, landing on the wire in a perfect arch of her back, arms outstretched to the heavens.

 

When the wire trembled, the trees stopped swaying, waves ceased crashing, and life itself held its breath in wait for Gravity’s judgement. The acrobat would not bow to Gravity’s will, for she was its mistress of delicate balance and power uncompromised.

 

From above, the torches turned in angle from hidden operators, focusing the stained glass panels on Inej directly, spotlighting her in sheer color. The drums kicked up a beat in perfect tandem with the waver of the wire from Inej’s landing. Applause broke from the room in a cacophony of astonishment. Kaz’s own hands followed suit.

 

His girl. His avri. His Wraith. His Sea. His future. He hoped, his wife. She belonged to no one but herself, but they belonged together. He’d never known anything to be more true.

 

The world stopped spinning as Kaz took her in. Her hair was braided and piled on top of her head, surely in an intricate design, based on what he’d overheard Sharya mentioning she wanted to do earlier that day. Kaz couldn’t wait to see it at ground-level. Inej was wearing a single piece ensemble, bronze legs on full display and a navy blue leotard covered her frame, with silk looking straps tying behind her neck. He caught the glint of glitter under the spotlight. She’d never looked more beautiful. She always looked this beautiful. In the morning when she woke beside him. When she returned home from a voyage. When she donned the threads of the Wraith and daggers of the lynx. When she took to wearing the bindi.

 

Inej was Lady Spring. Hadn’t he thought it once, that she’d brought spring to his desolate heart of winter? How right he’d been.

 

“Lady Spring showed the people of the world how to spin life from the desolate ground, she taught them to look to the sky and praise the God of Rain, sung songs to encourage the growth of the soul and earth. She became hope incarnate.” Rajesh smiled, his coal touched eyes flickering in the flames beside him that continued their roar for sacrifice.

 

From each end of the same wire that Inej occupied, cloth unfolded from below the platforms in perfect timing of each other. Silk of gold and navy. Kaz understood, once silhouettes were revealed amongst the aerial silks at each end of the ring, just beside the flames. Sharya and Kahir. Kaz recognized Kahir’s frame immediately as he maneuvered the silk in each of his hands in an arch of inhuman grace. Sharya mimicked the movements, smiles on their faces as they turned and spun with enchanting precision.

 

They were telling the story, in their movements. The story of Lady Spring giving them hope, bringing life from below the wire that represented the earth.

 

Kaz saw movement on the wire, Inej was walking to the center, her feet steady, her arms balanced. The crowd couldn’t decide where to look, but Kaz could only see her.

 

Inej bounced once on the wire before she launched into a backflip to land on silent feet and with a heart-beat he was sure rivaled his own. She was just above a forge that could burn her alive, but Kaz had never seen Inej look more confident. More safe. If he were a normal man, he’d be terrified.

 

Kaz would not do Lady Spring that injustice. He knew her better than anyone. The wraith did not fall, and if she did, she knew how. She’d taught him as much.

 

“The celebrations of Lady Spring stretched far and wide, more and more earth-dwellers sought her song as it carried on the wind. More and more crops raised from brittle soil, flowers smelled sweeter, birds flew steadier. Her celebration was so loud, it reached the God of Death, in his caverns below the earth. It would not do, you see. The God of Death had never seen so much life and he was green with jealousy. His own kingdom lay barren and dead, all life clung to Lady Spring, just above him.” Rajesh trotted the ring, gasps breaking free from every witness of the room when he clapped his hands and the flames just below the now-hand standing Inej parted.

 

An entire group of silk clad dancers erupted from behind the flames, skirts of crimson silk, shirts of shining black satin, leather masks adorning the top half of their faces. Men and women alike began to twist and turn to the drum beat, until they lined the entire floor of the ring, one dancer close enough for Kaz to touch if he so much as leaned forward. Kaz couldn’t see where the dancers had come from. His scheming mind was blank of any explanation besides true and utter sorcery.

 

The court of the God of Death.

 

“Lady Spring felt the earth tremble as the angry God ascended the earth, scorching her green grass and dropping petals of dead roses in his wake.” Rajesh boomed, eyes turned to Inej. The wire began to shake beneath her feet, her arms kept her aloft. Kaz felt his stomach flip as the flames raised higher still, threatening to burn the wire that his girl made her home. Maybe he was a normal man after all. The stain glass shifted in front of the torches that served as Inej’s spotlight, the new glass turned the room into a hue of crimson, as if the entire tent had been placed onto the wick in the center of a burning candle.

 

From the ceiling of the tent, black rose petals began to flutter down, each one dusted in gold glitter. A storm of life fighting death descended to the ground, glinting and swirling. Kaz felt petals land on his coat. He couldn’t move his eyes from the performance. Sharya and Kahir had stilled in the aerial silks, hands reached out in a statuesque stillness up toward the sky, to Inej.

 

“The God of Death was not prepared for the cries of humanity as he charged to challenge Spring with his winds of Winter. He was even less prepared to find the Lady Spring in dismay. To find her as anything but evil. To find her… beautiful.” Rajesh voiced, the dancers lining the ring moving slowly to each of his musical words. Kaz heard the addition of a new instrument to the phantom symphony. Violin, sad and strong. Haunting. The instrument wailed to Spring. Inej fell, Kaz thought she fell. No, Inej was sitting on the wire that still shook, her legs crossed at the ankle, dangling above fire. Her head was in her hands, eyes hidden.

 

Lady Spring mourning the ascension of winter.

 

“The God of Death, with all his flame and desolation, found himself… amiss!” The ring leader called, the drums ricocheting off the walls of the tent at the end of his words. The whole room was silent, save for the boom of the drums promising ruination. All other instruments stopped, a war chant of Winter was filling the air to the point of combustion. Inej was flawlessly still on the wire.

 

Then, all at once, the spotlight torches went dark. The room was cast into blackness surrounding the open forges at the center of the performance ring, an eerie light in the black. Kaz hadn’t noticed that even the lanterns lining the aisles had been extinguished. All that could be seen were the silhouettes of dancers, and the backdrop of Hell’s fire. Kaz heard Rahul’s breath hitch beside him. Kaz couldn’t be bothered to turn to look at him. His eyes still sought out Inej in the void.

 

At one end of the wire above them, a single flicker of flame began to dance. The crackle of the flames in the ring seemed to call out to the spark above, like calling to like. The flame began to move, as if held by a ghost. Kaz felt like a boy again.

 

“The jealous God called out to Lady Spring. He hadn’t been able to stop himself, once he saw her sadness. It had been too long since he felt life coat his bones, since he felt hope. He took his flames to meet her springtime rain, to console her.” Rajesh haunted the ring of blackness, his voice in every single breath of the audience and yet nowhere at all.

 

Above them, the flicker of flame began to spin, slow steady circles, then all at once, it burned brighter, spun faster. It illuminated its wielder on the wire. A man in jet-black leggings, and a shirt of the same. He wore a black mask over his eyes, his clothes were dusted in gold glitter, as if someone had simply hurled the dust at him in violent sashes, gold stars across the night. The spotlight returned, a magnifying gilt centered on the God of Death, spinning his torch as he stood on the wire, still and strong. Lady Spring sat still as stone, her head still buried in her hands, but her posture straight as could be. Balance, balance above all else. She would not fall.

 

It was as the shadowed man began to raise his spinning torch to the sky, that Kaz realized. Khalid. Khalid portrayed Death, as Inej portrayed Spring. Rahul’s breath had hitched for a reason. Kaz watched the woman he hoped would be his wife as Rahul watched his husband. Kaz knew now that Rahul never tired of seeing Khalid perform, just as Kaz would never forget this moment.

 

The moment he saw Inej wholly. Saw Inej Ghafa and all of her pieces put together again to create the dazzling sight before him. Kaz would never forget the moment his suspicions were confirmed. Magic was real. She was in front of him, one-hundred feet in the air, and shining brighter than he’d ever seen.

 

Kaz would live. He would be more than he’d always been. He’d be more because he wanted more. He’d earn her.

 

All at once, Inej was on her feet, a tremble of the wire that Khalid weathered with expert ease. Lady Spring faced death with a dip of her head, a step back on the wire, toes arched.

 

“Death did not know how to make her see him. How to face the life before him. He did not know how to tell her; tell her he’d fallen in love with her breath of sunshine upon the lands he once wished only devastation.” Rajesh sang in the voice of a story-teller. Kaz’s eyes noted the ring, how the petals from the sky had turned the performance floor into a sea of onyx, representative only of the land of the dead.

 

Kaz found himself leaning forward, slightly, as Khalid spun the torch with only one hand, his other outstretched to Inej on the wire.

 

Death wanted a dance.

 

Lady Spring raised a single bronze hand in the gold light cascading around her, the violin began again, the chime of bells joining in. Drums beat low and harsh as Spring’s hand met the grasp of Winter. Khalid pulled her to him, as if the wire beneath them was as steady as the island of Kerch in its entirety.

 

“Spring saw rebirth in Death’s embrace. She wished to show him life, calling the rains of growth from her soul, she showered Death in tenacious sunshine.” Rajesh whispered, yet his voice carried. The lights in the tent brightened, gold and brazen and wonderful. The dancers began to move, partnering up as if to waltz. Sharya and Kahir were spinning in the silks by the flames, fingers gripping and stilling. Kaz saw their hands move out toward each other every so often. Even from across the ring, they reached for one another.

 

Above, a waltz on the wire began. Khalid held Inej’s waist, spinning her into his arms, dipping her low enough that Kaz saw the top of the bun of her hair graze the wire. The flame-eater kept one hand spinning his flames, mere inches from Inej’s body. Kaz couldn’t breathe, he didn’t want to. Breathing would only take oxygen away from the fire fueling the magic of flames.

 

Kaz watched as a tango of the forces of nature spun on. He watched as dancers mimicked the movements on the wire above, beautiful, but not as bold. Inej spun out of Khalid’s arms, she didn’t stop, her feet catching the wire in only small increments.

 

“When Death proclaimed his love, he wanted Lady Spring to join him in his home, the place farthest away from the sun which she loved so dearly. Enraged by his selfishness, Lady Spring recoiled from Death himself.” Rajesh foretold. Inej spun to the furthest end of the wire, away from Death. The spotlight followed her every move.

 

Inej stopped at the end of the wire, her face turned away from Khalid. Gracefully, she held out one hand, a motion to say “stop” as Khalid took one step forward, his torch spinning faster still.

 

“Death was enraged, desperate, entrapped in the thorns of her fresh spring roses. He decided, he would ask her, the girl of sunshine, to bring life to his dead kingdom. Lady Spring would be his Queen of Life!” Rajesh moved through the center of the ring, all pairings of the dancers had mimicked the dance above, steps between them, hands raised to stop their own partners. Kaz looked back up, Khalid marched the wire toward Inej, she held steady in her defiance.

 

“Death marched to Spring, begging for the chance to show her his home with a promise. A promise that she would spend every Spring above, if she’d only spend winter with him.” Rajesh swirled for the crowd, throwing his arms to the sky once more.

 

Khalid walked the wire to Inej, his tall frame was smooth and the male equivalent of Inej’s litheness. Khalid paused, halfway to Lady Spring, raising his torch in the air. The room held its breath in his motionlessness. Khalid began to twirl the torch once more, before the other end of the staff caught flame. He spun the double sided torch as he walked once more toward Inej, circles of sparks in his wake. Kaz vaguely noticed the spins Kahir and Sharya did in silk, coming dangerously close to the ever-burning inferno at the center of the ring.

 

“Our Lady Spring, had never imagined the God of Death to fall to his knees for her, she’d never expected to return his affections, either. It was when Lady Spring saw the love of life behind his dead eyes… that she agreed!” Rajesh boomed, Kaz almost jumped in his seat when Rajesh leapt from behind the blaze and seemingly jumped through hell itself, to land on his feet before the astonished audience. The Ring Master’s coat had… transformed. Now, his coat of black and copper was born anew in a shade of gray and silk tails of silver. The fire had changed his coat, or he’d somehow disappeared from the sight of the audience on the other side of the ring to change. Kaz didn’t understand.

 

Magic in all forms blasted Kaz Rietveld’s senses. He’d never been more alive.

 

Kaz’s eyes shot upward, Inej was running, running the rest of the wire to Khalid. Running on nothing but a scrap of twine and her own confidence. Kaz’s heart jumped when she leapt with a steady bounce of the wire. Khalid’s head shot up in a terrifyingly quick movement, just as Inej was flying over him, mid-air.

 

Kaz swore the spotlight caught the glimmer of the acrobat’s wings.

 

            Khalid blew. Khalid breathed flames into the sky, obscuring Inej’s form in a show of heat and embers. Kaz almost stood up, sure that Inej had been scorched to death and was about to topple to the flames of Hell below. Nani’s breathing caught beside him. He couldn’t look.

 

            When the wire trembled with a landing, Kaz could not believe his eyes. It was impossible. It was improbable, he silently corrected himself in a stupor of incredible awe, more awe than even the coin had produced. Inej landed on the other side of Khalid, arms in a ballerina’s arch above her head, her ensemble changed. The same leotard, now in a vivid and incredible blood-red. The flames. The flames had altered her, too. Just like Rajesh. Kaz didn’t understand. He wanted to know. Inej would tell him. He’d never sleep again if he didn’t figure it out.

 

            Magic. The Girl made Fire.

 

            The audience was half-standing already, vigorous cheers erupting and shaking the very bench he sat on. Kaz stood, then. He stood and he clapped with the rest of them, Nani and Rahul beside him.

 

            “That’s the girl, Kaz. That’s who she’s always been.” Nani whispered to him, unbridled happiness laced her tone. Kaz couldn’t manage to say anything over the grin on his face, over the pure amount of true happiness in his veins. It was too much, it was infinite and more than he’d ever believe possible.

 

This was the moment. The moment that authors and poets and painters tried to depict. This was life. This was its meaning.

 

Kaz saw then, the trapeze wires lowering from the ceiling of the tent, acrobats upside down, the wires supporting them swaying slightly.

 

“Lady Spring fell in love with the coldness of Death, and the world prospered, a show of union! Death would rest the soil of the ground and Lady Spring would call life to return each harvest. For the first time, Death was praised alongside his Queen!” Rajesh roared, hands matching the drums in a clap of triumph. Khalid was lifting Inej into the air, arms around her waist, the wire held steady and true. Kaz knew the trapeze act was continuing, Sharya and Kahir performing elaborate tricks in the air, next to the dangerous air of flame. The dancers kept spinning, partnered pairs still copying the stars of the show above. Kaz couldn’t focus on any of it, his eyes could not leave the sky. His eyes could not leave her.

 

Before Kaz knew it, Inej was climbing, climbing onto Khalid’s shoulders, even as he spun his torches. Inej balanced on careful feet on her best friend’s shoulders, uncaring for the promised fall if so much as a wind blew in her direction. Kaz could see it, her eyes did not look down.

 

Her eyes sought only her home. The sky.

 

Once Inej was still on his shoulders, Khalid shifted his head upward, between her ankles. Gasps chorused the symphony of drums and cymbals. Kaz saw the same ring Inej had descended from, just above her fingers. Kaz gasped. Kaz Brekker gasped as Khalid raised his spinning torch. He couldn’t believe what was about to happen.

 

For the second time, the dragon born of human flesh blew his flames upward, mere centimeters from Inej’s impeccably still body. If she’d so much have been a centimeter off in her perch on his shoulders, Inej would be burning.

 

The ring hanging from the ceiling caught fire, save for the small section in which Inej’s fingers were now grasping. Kaz could barely allow air to escape him, his breathing felt like a sin in the midst of such power.

 

“Lady Spring descended with the coming of winter, to her new home below the earth. She left with a promise and a mission, to bring life to those passed in the realm of Death, and to return to the surface with the changing of seasons to foster growth back into the soil!” Rajesh beamed as he spoke the words. Kaz watched with bated breaths and his heart on his sleeve as the ring of fire began to rise, Inej using only one hand to grip as her feet left the shoulders of Khalid. The ring began to spin, Inej twirling with it. Her posture spoke of a life in the air, her toes pointed precisely. The ring spun faster, Kaz caught the glimpse of an acrobat flying across the ring behind Inej, from one trapeze to the other. The audience was beginning to stand again in the midst of Lady Spring’s aerial dance. Inej kicked up one foot behind her, arching her back with the grace of a ballet dancer.

 

Kaz had to ask her. He needed to. He didn’t have everything he needed, yet. He didn’t know how he’d be able to wait. His heart screamed for her, his hands itched with the want to touch her again. How had he gotten so lucky? How had this girl of the sky seen him all the way down in the pits of Hell?

 

Khalid watched his Lady Spring from the wire, ten feet below her. Kaz didn’t understand when Khalid opened his arms, back turned toward Kaz’s side of the ring. Then, Khalid fell backwards, down toward the flames. Flames that parted for their master with not a second to spare. Khalid did not land. His outstretched arms were caught by a man, a trapeze acrobat, mid-swing across the arena. The complete trust… the precision… Kaz was awestruck. Incredible didn’t even begin to describe it, but Kaz could think of no other word. Khalid was deposited safely to the ground, landing in a perfect roll before popping up beside Rajesh in the sea of black petals.

 

Lady Spring spun faster and faster, presiding over all her kingdoms. The Sky. The Earth. Hell. Inej was a queen. His queen. Queen of Thieves. Queen of Hearts. Queen of the True-Sea.

 

The Ring of fire dropped in a rapid pace, the spotlights shifting to follow her descent, a glorious and shimmering free-fall of the girl made fire, and her drop to Hell, where she would be home. Home. Inej was home. He was hers. Home was together. This was their story, in some poetic way. Kaz didn’t know how, but it was. Khalid may be the Death of the performance, but Kaz was the Winter to her Spring off the wire.

 

Just as the ring came close to twenty feet from the ground, flames still blazing, haloing Inej’s head, peony petals rained from the sky. Blush showers followed Lady Spring’s descent into Hell. Kaz watched as Rajesh stepped into the spotlight, just below Inej, feeling the flutter of petals landing in his hair. He’d already decided to grab a handful of the petals to press for Inej, the way he’d seen Sharya press geraniums that he’d given to her in Ketterdam. Kaz wanted petals from this show, for both of them. Because they would look back. They would live.

 

“At the end of our tale, our girl made fire, Lady Spring, her greatest revenge on the God of Death was her kiss of life. Death’s heart beat for the first time in the wake of His Queen’s arrival!” Rajesh yelled, the drums took up a crashing tattoo. Khalid stepped into the spotlight, he dropped to one knee arms outstretched. Inej completed one more spin, then, she let go. Trusting her best friend to catch her. It was not a net, it was love. Trust. Genuine and unrestrained.

 

Inej landed in Khalid’s cradled arms, a chorus of the loudest applause Kaz had ever heard. Nani and Rahul cheered beside him as Inej stood from Khalid’s arms, taking his hand and outstretching her other to her uncle, the Ring-Master, Rajesh. In the span of a moment, under the steady and slow stream of stray petals, Sharya and Kahir had joined the line of linked hands. Then the dancers. Then the trapeze acrobats. The tent boomed with excitement, gasps and cheers and claps.

 

Lady Spring began the bow, the rest of the line following suit. When Inej lifted from her bow at the waist, her eyes found his. She was only perhaps fifty feet away from where he stood in the front row.

 

Kaz had never seen her eyes look the way they did in that moment. Never. It was like her soul had been recharged, her entire body glowed from both glitter and happiness. Kaz couldn’t believe he’d never seen her this way before. Inej had returned to the ground, but he could only imagine her heart was still hundreds of feet above them.

 

This was Inej Ghafa. No title could ever do her justice.

 

Kaz didn’t know what was happening when Inej dropped the hands of Khalid and Rajesh, he saw looks of confusion pass over their faces as the crowd still cheered, as his own hands still clapped. Inej was sprinting, toward him.

 

With every bit of grace in her body, Lady Spring jumped over the low barrier in front of him. He vaguely heard gasps from the crowd, but Inej was before him.

 

Inej kissed him. Inej kissed him, their hair covered in petals, audience still clapping. Lady Spring had run toward a man in the crowd, and somehow, that man had been Kaz Brekker.

 

“Thank you for making me do this.” Inej whispered as she pulled away from him. His heart was in his throat; he could barely make sense of the magic in his bones left from her lips on his.

 

Her smile killed him. Her smile breathed life back into him.

 

Then, she was gone. Back to the center of the ring, embracing her family and waving back to audience members who had never ceased cheering.

 

“Clearly my cousin is better at romantic gestures than my own husband.” Rahul chuckled from beside him and Kaz could only laugh in agreement. Disbelieving agreement.

 

“Kaz.” Nani called from beside him and Kaz leaned his head over to hear her over the sounds of the audience.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Now that thing I gave you, put it to good use, my boy. I’ve never seen her look so happy as when she was right here with you, just now.” Nani said sternly. Kaz managed a nod, but he saw a smile slip onto her lips from the corner of his eye. Kaz intended to. Kaz intended a great many things.

 

Kaz Brekker had a scheme. A scheme for happiness. A scheme to live.

 

Kaz watched as the performers began to exit through the back of the tent, Inej was on the arm of Khalid, smiling and laughing at something her father had said as he walked beside her.

 

She looked beautiful. Kaz had a question to ask her, sooner than he’d expected. Sooner than the never he deserved.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            “We’ll see you soon.” Inej cried into her father’s shoulder. Kaz stood nearby, waiting for her. He’d just bid his own goodbyes to Rajesh, to Nani. Nani who had looked beside herself with glee and shared a conspiratorial smile with him over her granddaughter’s shoulder as they hugged. Inej’s family would not stay in the city tonight, like himself and Inej. They did not have a show for two more days and would be returning to Aska Vasman tonight, while the sky was clear and the path quiet. This was the farewell to the Ghafa’s, for now.

 

            Kaz had managed to embrace Sharya, she’d not touched his skin. He’d initiated the hug, and it had been worth it. Sharya’s eyes had turned soft and glassy when he opened his arms to her. He hadn’t missed Inej’s smile, the gratitude clear in her eyes. Kaz didn’t hate it, he decided. Didn’t hate that Sharya and Kahir knew him, knew his truth. He trusted them, just as he trusted their daughter. Inej let go of her father, speaking to both her parents softly in suli, she’d already said goodbye to Rajesh and Nani as well.

 

            “Kaz.” Kahir turned to Kaz and he straightened himself under Inej’s father’s eyes. Under his friend’s eyes. Kaz enjoyed Kahir’s company, not just as family, but as a card-partner, as a bourbon enthusiast, as a comrade.

 

            Kahir held out a hand for Kaz to shake and Kaz made to reach for his hand, but Kahir pulled his back, his eyes serious. Kaz understood when Kahir looked down to Kaz’s bare hand.

 

            Kahir had thought Kaz was unaware and had recoiled, not wanting Kaz to suffer the weight of the water. Kaz was not unaware. This was a decision he’d come to. Just as the hug with Sharya, Kaz had made the choice to try and show Kahir his effort to heal. Kahir had pushed him, challenged him, and once, the boy Kaz had been would have hated him for it. The man Kaz was now, was only grateful. Grateful to be heard. Grateful to be given the chance. Kaz Brekker would never be able to admit the words out loud, but he could do his saints-damned best to try and show it.

 

            Kaz looked at his own hand and extended it once more in answer. He saw realization ripple over Kahir’s features, the suli man’s eyes assessed him with a tentative sort of hope. Kaz pushed his hand out farther in the air, ignoring Inej and Sharya’s eyes on them.

 

            Kaz shook Kahir Ghafa’s hand, bare of armor. The water did not rise, Kaz only took a deep and low breath before his stomach began to settle from the initial revulsion.

 

            “We’ll see you again soon. We’ll visit Ketterdam within the next six months, depending on my daughter’s voyages.” Kahir smiled and Kaz felt his own lips tilt upward as he nodded.

 

            “You know where to find me.” Kaz answered honestly, repressing the twinge of emotion in his gut that hinted he’d miss the Ghafa’s after the past two months in their company, both in Ketterdam and here in Ravka.

 

            “Indeed.” Kahir chuckled. As Kaz began to turn to Inej, Kahir added one more sentence under his breath, low enough that his words did not carry to Inej and Sharya only a few paces away.

 

            “Hopefully, next time, we’ll be celebrating. Best of luck, son.”

 

            Kaz couldn’t help the grin that unfolded without his permission, he nodded sharply and Kahir only winked in return.

 

            A few moments later, after Inej had changed back into her leggings and coat, they were walking out of the tent reserved for performers, where they’d shared a last meal with her family and the troupe before they began their journey back to Aska Vasman. Just outside the tent and down the path to Os Kervo, Khalid and Rahul waited. The two suli men were staying in the city as well, at an inn only a few blocks away from Kaz and Inej’s own rented room. Apparently, Rahul would be going down to the university he attended the following day, to register for classes in the next quarter of his medic training. Khalid had beamed with pride through the dinner as his husband spoke of his excitement for his final courses before he was licensed and ready to practice medicine.

 

            “I’ll actually meet you back at the room, alright?” Inej whispered to him as they approached Khalid and Rahul. Kaz raised a brow in question.

 

Kaz did not want to part from Inej. He wanted to kiss her and hold her. He wanted to know how the fire had changed her outfit. He wanted and he wanted and he wanted. He felt needy. He didn’t care. He cared. This was Inej’s last free night in Ravka. He would have a week with her on the ship. Another month with her in Ketterdam before she set sail once more. He had time. They had time.

 

“I… I want to take a walk with Khalid. There are things I didn’t get to tell him, back when we all had dinner. Things I want him to know… about my ship. About me. A conversation for the brother of my soul.” Inej whispered, her coal dusted eyes glowing in the street lamp light. Kaz understood. This was a conversation Inej needed to have before she left Ravka, a conversation for only herself and Khalid. Kaz would not be selfish with this, he could wait.

 

“I understand.” Kaz squeezed her hand as they approached the two suli men.

 

Several minutes later, Kaz watched Inej and Khalid walk away, arm in arm. Smiling and conversing in suli. Leaving himself and Rahul to make their way in the opposite direction, toward their rented quarters. Kaz walked with Rahul until they needed to go down separate streets, thankful for the suli man’s quiet demeanor and easy companionship in the lamp lit streets and fresh air. He did not bid goodbye to Rahul, only goodnight. Khalid and Rahul would see himself and Inej for breakfast the following morning before they went their separate ways.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            It had been almost two bells since Kaz returned to the rented room, his eyes kept straying to the door from where he sat on the bed, looking over Pekka’s file and his own notes. He did not feel Inej, but he kept hoping she’d walk through. Kaz felt ridiculous, but he was beginning to worry. He didn’t know why. This was Os Kervo, not Ketterdam. Inej was the wraith, even if almost all of her blades were in the bag on the ground beside him, he knew she’d at least have one on her person. Inej was always armed. She was talking with Khalid and the conversation had gone late. She’d be back soon.

 

            Three bells. Kaz couldn’t sit anymore. Inej had parted from him with a promise to see him in an hour. Maybe she’d gone back to Khalid and Rahul’s room and had fallen asleep and they didn’t know where he was staying to come let him know. Kaz had to find out. He plucked up his cane and coat without a second thought, Rahul had mentioned the name of their inn. It had been only two streets over, Kaz would just make sure Inej was safe.

 

            There had been no answer at the door of Khalid and Rahul’s room. Not even Rahul had answered. Kaz had picked the lock, cursing himself and feeling ridiculous for his panic. All of the suli men’s things had been there, but Rahul was not, despite that Kaz had seen him off only hours prior. Kaz felt pricks of anxiety in his spine. Something wasn’t right.

 

            Maybe he’d just missed them, maybe he’d go back to their own room and find all three of them there. Maybe after he’d parted from Rahul, the suli man had run into Inej and Khalid once more. It wouldn’t make much sense, but it was possible. Maybe Inej’s cousin had met up with them for a drink, maybe, maybe, maybe. Kaz Brekker didn’t deal in “maybe’s” he dealt in facts.

 

            Kaz walked the streets once more, all the way back to the inn where he and Inej were staying. Once Kaz reached the second floor landing of the old building and looked down the hallway to his door, he paused. Outside of his and Inej’s room, there was a figure sitting on the ground in the dim hallway light. Kaz walked forward, recognizing Rahul. His stomach flipped in hope. Maybe Rahul was here to tell him that Inej and Khalid were out somewhere, wanting to relay the message.

 

            “Rahul!” Kaz called as he neared the suli man. Rahul jumped up, his eyes looking behind Kaz.  

 

            “They aren’t with you?” Rahul looked panicked, how Kaz felt, but did not show.

 

            Fuck. Fuck. Inej. Where was Inej.

 

            “No. How did you find our room?” Kaz asked, attempting to keep his voice even.

 

            “Inej told me at dinner you were staying here, I just looked for the sign on the street I remembered you turning down.” Rahul answered, running a hand over his short cropped hair. The man’s eyes were unfocused, nervous. Kaz understood.

 

            Inej is the wraith. She’s fine. She’ll be back any moment. Kaz did not believe his own lies.

 

            Kaz moved around Rahul to the door of the rented room, fishing in his pocket for the key so they would not stand in the hall. It was then that Kaz noticed, a scratch above the keyhole to the door. A scratch that had not been there earlier, Kaz was certain. Kaz had tested the lock when they rented the room, his Ketterdam born paranoia coming out to play. The lock had not had a scratch evident of tampering.

 

A piss-poor lock pick had opened this door since he’d been gone. A sloppy criminal. Kaz was many things, an organized criminal was one of them. He could tell the difference.

 

Kaz opened the door with the key in a hurry, ignoring Rahul’s confusion behind him at his jolt of movement. Kaz scanned the room, their bags were left untouched, Pekka’s file was still hidden under the mattress where he’d stashed it before he left. Nothing was out of place. This had not been some drunk attempt at robbery. This had not been a robbery at all. Nothing was missing.

 

Kaz saw it then. A folded piece of paper on the window sill. Next to it, was a blade.

 

Sankt Petyr. Kaz would recognize the blade anywhere, it had been his own before it had belonged to his wraith. This was the knife Inej had worn on her person tonight. Kaz had known because he’d checked her bag earlier to make sure she had a blade on her, he’d chastised himself for it. He’d felt ridiculous. Now, he didn’t.

 

His stomach sank, his blood heated in a rage he’d never felt so strongly. Never. Not even in the face of Pekka Rollins the first time he’d seen him on the street after Jordie died. This was pure and unfaltering.

 

Next to the blade, was a simple black ring. Rahul had come to stand beside him, Kaz heard the man’s breath catch on a broken gasp. He turned to look at Inej’s cousin, whose eyes were downcast to his left hand. To his ring finger, which bore a band identical to the one now before them. This was Khalid’s wedding band.

 

The sight of the wedding band made the weight on Kaz’s shoulders grow. Suddenly, the two gold rings in his hidden jacket pocket felt like anchors that could drown him. They belonged to Inej’s grandparents. The wedding bands of Nani and Inej’s grandfather. Nani had given him both, with tears in her eyes.

 

Kaz turned his eyes back to the folded note, his hands itching for violence. He opened the note to a script he did not recognize, it was simple. A threat.

 

            Ketterdam. Eight days from now. Hurry, Brekker. Or she hangs. I’ll hang him too, for the fun of it. Their corpses will be mounted in front of your Crow Club; I think she’ll look even prettier dead.

 

            Kaz’s heart was shattering, but Dirtyhands had returned; he held the pieces together in a promise for bloodshed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

INEJ

 

            She hadn’t been paying attention. She’d been convinced of her safety. She had wanted to talk with Khalid, then go to bed with her avri. She’d wanted to ask Kaz why the little box in his bag had been empty.

 

            It all went black. Not even her Moon’s light could reach her.

 

 

Notes:

I don't normally do end-notes, but it felt important here.

I always wanted to do my own take on a Hades and Persephone re-telling, and I finally got the chance! I wanted it to be poetic and beautiful and feel unique. I really really really hope it inspires those things. I wanted to give it a new light and a brilliance in the suli culture. <3

 

ALSO.

I'M SORRY. YOU KNOW WHY IF YOU'RE DOWN HERE.

Chapter 80: Seven Days

Summary:

Dirtyhands returns to Ketterdam.

Notes:

Chapter 80!!!!

HI everyone!!!!! HERE WE GO! We are at the "Season 4" premiere of this story and I quite literally cannot wait, hence no interlude chapters. This is just the beginning, only a tiny bit of what we have coming up. I hope I surprise you. I hope it makes you excited, even though we're in Shadow and Bone week (which omg) but this story will continue on! <3 Anyways, let us begin....

 

ALSO thank you so so so so much for the response on the finale chapter!!! I'm going to get back to everyone as soon as I can. It's been a lot of writing these past few days but I promise I read every comment and I appreciate you all so so much <3

Drop me a comment with what you think, what you hope for, what your predictions are! I can't wait for this season, it has so many of the moments I've been waiting to write and share with you guys.

"I Will Follow You Into The Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie (Inej's portion. You'll understand.)

INEJ

 

            It was all black. Blacker than the hold on the ship had been. Both times. Inej had been held captive in the belly of a ship from Ravka, twice. Once, she’d been an acrobat. The second time, she’d been an acrobat, Captain of the True Sea, and The Wraith. Both times, she’d been Inej Ghafa.

 

            Her mind was muddled, darkness toying with her brain. She knew she’d been moved from the ship, the ground beneath her was now stagnant. She had tried to keep track of how long she’d been on the waves. A few days? A week? Longer? Now… there was only the darkness threatening to swallow her whole, and the cold stone ground beneath her folded frame. Inej missed the ship. At least there, she’d had the company of the waves, her faithful friends. She knew she’d been dosed with something to keep her consciousness slow. She couldn’t remember being fed or watered, but she must have been, for she was still alive. Somewhere in the dark, Inej still breathed.

 

            She couldn’t remember what had happened. The last thing she remembered was telling Khalid about her ship, as they walked on the Os Kervan docks toward their rented rooms. Inej had been excited to see Kaz, she’d wanted to kiss him until she couldn’t remember her name. She’d been so happy, so ready for life. She should have known better. She should have been on her guard, even with Khalid by her side in a city a thousand miles away from Ketterdam. Enemies. She had so many enemies.

 

            She’d failed. She’d failed as Inej Ghafa. She’d failed as The Wraith.

 

            Khalid. She didn’t know what had happened to Khalid. Had he been taken, too? She hoped not. She hoped he’d been able to run. She hoped he was safe and warm and drinking kvas with Rahul. She hoped her best friend was laughing in the lantern light of the suli caravans in Aska Vasman.

 

            Kaz. Kaz where are you? Am I wrong? Has it only been hours? They’ve been dosing me, mera chaar. I can’t remember. I can’t stay awake. I miss your laugh. I miss your light. I want to come home. You trained me, my love. How did I fall into this situation once more? You never would have. You’d have found a way. A way to keep the poison from infiltrating your veins. A way to see in the dark. You’d have schemed your way out. You always do.

 

            Kaz, I love you. I love you and I’m hurting. I want to rally. I want to believe in myself. I always do. My eyes can’t stay open. Or are they always open? I can’t tell anymore, I don’t know.

 

It’s so dark, honey.

 

Honey. Like your eyes in the sun. Maybe I’ll have another term of endearment before the end. Or will I end?

 

            I don’t remember where the shadows end and I begin, Kaz.

 

            If the Saints can hear me from down here in hell’s company, I pray for you. I pray for you if I don’t come out of this dark, Kaz. I pray that you’ll bring the world to its knees and I pray that you live. You hear me, Kaz Brekker? Live. Live. Live.

 

            Find me in the void, mera chaar. If not in this life, in the next. I’ll be the one tossing bread crumbs to the birds, waiting for you.

 

            I never meant to slip away.

 

 

 

KAZ

 

            The wind whipped around Kaz as he stood at the prow of the ship, they were perhaps an hour out from docking in Ketterdam. Seven days. Kaz had spent seven days on this Saints-forsaken ship without her. Without Inej. Wondering how she was. Seven days resisting the ever-growing urge to murder every single man aboard this fishing vessel, just to let out a fragment of the boiling rage beneath his skin.

 

            Seven days ago, he’d seen Inej walk away with her best friend, smiling brightly and promising to return to him within an hour.

 

            If he’d known it would be perhaps the last moment he saw her, he would have cherished it more. He would have begged her to stay. He would have rounded up Khalid and Rahul, too. He’d have barred them all into that rented room until the storm of future wars had passed.

           

Seven days ago, Inej had gone missing. Along with Khalid Runa, her best friend and husband of her cousin, Rahul. Seven days ago, Kaz had found the note in his rented room, along with Sankt Petyr and a wedding band belonging to Khalid. Kaz didn’t know how he’d managed to keep himself from leveling Os Kervo to the ground. Maybe it had been the fact that he’d held it together not only for himself, but for his unlikely companion; Rahul.

 

Inej’s cousin had not faltered in his decision to come to Ketterdam with Kaz. Kaz remembered the hours after Inej and Khalid’s disappearance clearly.

 

They’d left the Inn and ran to the docks as quickly as possible while still maintaining a gait to remain unnoticed. Kaz had split off from Rahul in order to cover more ground, to talk to as many people as possible who might know if a vessel had departed the harbor within the past hours. Kaz had no luck, his limitation on speaking Kerch alone had proved a hindrance. Rahul, however, had found out that a vessel had departed the Os Kervan docks in a hurry, only two bells prior. Kaz had felt it, somehow. Deep inside of him, he knew Inej was now on the True Sea, no longer on land with him. Perhaps it was simply a gut feeling, or maybe it was something he was now attuned to as well; like when he could sense Inej’s presence. He always knew when Inej was on the same land as him, he’d seen her off on two voyages now. He knew.

 

That same night, Kaz had booked passage on a fishing vessel due for Kerch and it’s trading. It was the only boat leaving sooner than his and Inej’s originally intended ship home, over twenty-four bells later. Kaz had not expected Rahul to empty his pockets of Ravkan coin right alongside him on the docks, begging the Captain of the ship to let them stow away to Ketterdam.

 

“What are you doing?” Kaz had growled to Rahul once the Captain had walked away with their money and told them the ship would sail at midnight sharp, the traders hoping to make way to Kerch as soon as possible.

 

            Rahul held Kaz’s glare, just as Inej would have. Kaz saw the familial resemblance, in that moment.

 

            “There is nothing in this world that will stop me from finding Khalid. I may not be the same type of man as you, Kaz, but I will not stand by. You can threaten me, kick me, tie me to a post in Aska Vasman for all I care- but I will go to my husband. You should know that I share shards of spirit with Inej. You either accept my help and we work together, or you hold your pride and I go anyways, and maybe end up dead in a city I do not know. Look my cousin in the eye and tell her you let it happen after you find her. I dare you.” Rahul’s accent over the Kerch words had turned cold and deadly, a tone Kaz had only ever heard from Inej’s own voice.

 

            Kaz wanted to scream. Yet another Ghafa had put him in his place. Dirtyhands called sweet nothings of unnecessary violence, simply because the man had had the audacity. Rahul was right. Kaz would not be able to look Inej in the eye and tell her that he’d refused Rahul’s help, or to help him in return. If Inej was still for this world once he found her, Inej would hate him if he did not keep Rahul alive. If Kaz did not do his best to not only save Inej, but also Khalid, she would never forgive him. He would lose her in a different way.

 

            Kaz saw nothing but unwavering steel in Rahul’s dark eyes. Khalid was Rahul’s avri. If Kaz had been in Rahul’s position, it would be the same. Nothing could stop him from tearing the world apart to find Inej. Nothing. Not even a bastard of the barrel and a glare that normally had men pissing themselves.

 

“Fine.” Kaz nodded once, sharpness in the simple word. Rahul mimicked the same motion and held out a hand to seal the deal. Kaz gripped Inej’s cousin’s hand with his own leather clad one.

 

“We have two bells before this ship departs. I need you to go get all of our bags from both Inns, but don’t check out of the rooms. Just leave the keys within. If anyone comes to check if we are on the trail, we can at least slow them down. Better yet if you can sacrifice some clothes to leave around, mess up the beds. Make it look like it’s still occupied, even minutely. Inej and I had a lead on a slaver, I need to try and get that information for her before we depart. It could also lead us to whomever took them. Can you do that? I will meet you here before the ship departs. If I’m not here, don’t hold the ship up. Go.” Kaz ground out, running a hand over his hair. He had no idea if the captive, John, back in Aska Vasman, had given himself and Inej good information, but Kaz had to try. If the same Slaver had targeted Inej for her part in stopping the abduction of Lina and Cara, Kaz needed to know who it was. Who they were dealing with. It would make sense, he and Inej had thwarted those slavers out of a large payday by saving two innocent suli girls.

 

“I can do that.” Rahul nodded, a deep sigh escaping him as he eyed the waves of the sea against the docks beside them.

 

“If I don’t come back, go. Like I said. You know enough Kerch to ask for directions once you arrive in Ketterdam. Stay away from the barrel. Ask one of the ship captains on the docks for directions to the financial district. Once you get there, go down a street called “Marlow”. There you’ll find a house with a large iron gate, on the crest, you’ll be able to see the name “Van Eck”, can you read that much in Kerch?” Kaz paused with a breath.

 

“Yes. Van Eck. I understand.” Rahul confirmed.

 

“There, you need to ask for Wylan or Jesper. They both live in that house, friends of mine and Inej’s. If they ask how they can trust you, tell them this: “No mourners”. If they don’t believe you after that, ask them what the best way to steal a man’s wallet is. Then point to your wrist, they’ll know what it means. Tell them what happened, tell them to find Inej. Tell them to start with Heleen, then work through the manifests Inej has in our attic, stored behind her emblem. Check every suspect. Tell them to include Anika and Rotty in their plans, only. No other Dregs.” Kaz rasped, he knew he’d thrown a lot of information in the face of Rahul, but he had to trust that Inej’s cousin was as sharp as she was. He didn’t think his faith was misplaced, Rahul was nodding. Kaz liked the man, he also liked Khalid.

 

Family, Kaz silently reminded himself through his red-lensed vision.

 

“I’ll meet you in Ketterdam if I miss this ship, but I don’t intend to do that. If I don’t meet you here in two bells, assume I’m dead.” Kaz finished, already walking away toward the direction of the tavern “Lady Skirts and Spirits”. He had a mouse to catch with his claws.

 

What had happened next, that had shaken Kaz to his core. Kaz hadn’t expected the hooded figure in the brothel to mutter a single name as he took his dying breaths under the edge of Sankt Petyr.

 

Jakob. Jakob Hertzoon.

 

Kaz hadn’t been able to let the man say another word. His throat had been slit before Kaz could register anything besides blinding and white-hot anguish.

 

Kaz heard the chime of the bells in the distance, announcing their vessel’s arrival in Ketterdam harbor. It was nine bells at night, Kaz and Rahul had made it to Ketterdam in record time, only seven days. Well, six days and twenty-one bells. Kaz had counted the hours. Kaz had done pull-ups in the belly of the ship with a bar he’d poised between a door frame. He’d scoured his notes on Pekka Rollins. Jakob Hertzoon.

 

Jakob Hertzoon had not been a name that Kaz had heard anywhere except in the depth of dark water nightmares, for a very long time. Kaz should have known. He should have figured it out. Inej had been right about the conversion rates in his finances. Pekka had been receiving odd deposits in ravkan currency before it converted to Kerch through the banks. Pekka had found himself a new source of income since Kaz stole the city. Pekka had begun working for the slave-trade. Potentially even for Kane De Vries.

 

Pekka had thought he’d outsmart Kaz Brekker by using his already known-alias. An alias that only a stupid man would use again once his worst enemy had been proven to know about it. Or, Kaz thought, he was giving Pekka too much credit. Maybe Rollins was just as idiotic as that. Or, Kaz wasn’t giving him enough credit and this was a trap.

 

Kaz Brekker was going to paint Ketterdam red if Inej was not returned to him. His Wraith. His avri. His future-wife.

 

“Kaz?” Rahul’s voice called from behind him. Kaz had barely spoken a word to the man in the past two days, despite eating half-rotten fruit across from each other in the grimy storage closet in the bottom of the ship that had served as their room for the voyage from Ravka. Rahul had seemed equally lost in thought as Kaz had been, always twisting the band around his finger, as if for comfort. Kaz understood. His fingers itched for Inej. He’d palmed the rings in his hidden jacket pocket more than once. Took out his key to Inej’s captain quarters aboard the Wraith and spun it in his fingers as if he could summon her with hand gestures alone.

 

“We won’t alert anyone that I’ve returned to Ketterdam. We’re heading straight for the house I told you about. I need to know the status of my city, and until I do, we aren’t going to risk being seen. As soon as we dock, we’re going to leave. We’ll take the bags in one haul, we won’t be returning for them. Do your best to keep up, and don’t say a word to anyone. Your accent is thick, and we did not come from a tourist vessel. We need to blend as best as we can until we’re inside the Van Eck estate.” Kaz said, tightening his fingers around the crows head of his cane. Rahul seemed content enough to listen. He’d stopped asking questions of Kaz’s plans when on the second night aboard this ship, Kaz had thrown him against the wall and told him to shut the hell up.

 

Kaz didn’t exactly feel sorry for it. Rahul had asked too many questions, and Kaz had just discovered Pekka’s involvement. Kaz had not been in control, or rather, he’d returned to control entirely. Dirtyhands held the reins to the vessel, Rietveld was mourning.

 

Kaz knew he’d need to apologize, eventually. He couldn’t manage that level of sentimentality, now. Now, he needed to scheme. He needed a bath. He needed a drink. He mostly just needed her.  Nothing else would matter until he could confirm Inej’s safety.

 

She wasn’t dead. Kaz couldn’t let himself think it. He would know. He’d know if Inej was out of his reach. He’d feel it. He had to.

 

Kaz knew he should have slept, but he’d managed maybe six hours over the past four days, maybe three or four the nights prior. Everything felt wrong, tinged in grief. Nothing made sense, how was the world still spinning without her? Without Lady Spring?

 

“Alright.” Rahul sighed and Kaz heard his footsteps trail away on the rotted wood of the fishing ship.

 

Kaz turned his eyes to the horizon in the darkness, Ketterdam was in sight now. The lights of the city bobbing from across the Harbor.

 

The city of his nightmares. The city he bled for. The city he had died in. The city where he’d fallen in love. Ketterdam would never be home, but home was within Ketterdam. Kaz would find her.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Here.” Kaz paused and Rahul stopped on the sidewalk behind him. It was now after eleven bells at night, but Kaz and Rahul had managed to reach the Van Eck gate without incident. Kaz had held tight to the Crows head of his cane the entire walk, hiding it from sight. They had avoided the shadows and opted to walk in the streetlamps. Kaz knew what lurked in the shadows of his city, spiders. Kaz did not need word of a sighting of Kaz Brekker to be spread. If all had gone to plan, only the Dregs had known he was gone from the city in the first place. A month was not long enough for the other players in the barrel to know something was amiss. As long as Anika had done as she was told, there would be rumors throughout the barrel that Kaz had been in Ketterdam this entire month, working on a job. It was perfect, if it worked. The other gangs would be looking for him on their own territory, wondering what job would keep Kaz Brekker out of sight.

 

Kaz couldn’t worry about it now, though. He needed Jesper and Wylan. People he trusted explicitly. Even if he liked Rahul, the man did not know where he was. Had never wielded a pistol nor a blade in a border skirmish or nearly died breaking out of a Fjerdan prison.

 

Jesper. Jesper was the next closest person to Kaz besides Inej. Jesper would have his back. His brother always would. Kaz felt unhinged. He was like Inej, walking a wire in the sky. His wire was much finer, the wire between chaos and control. Jesper relished in chaos, Kaz needed the balance to his control. They’d find her. They’d find Inej and they’d find Khalid and whomever started this nightmare in the first place would be decimated. Brick by brick.

 

If it was Pekka, Kaz would cut him open. Damn the revenge. Jordie would have killed Pekka too, because Jordie would have loved Inej. Kaz knew it. It was something he’d wished he realized sooner. Jordie would not prolong revenge if it came down to the girl he loved. Jordie would have torn the world down for Lilly in silence. Kaz knew it in his bones. Jordie would forgive the swift end of games of cat and mouse with Pekka. Jordie’s ghost would cheer on the level of violence Kaz was about to bestow on his worst enemy.

 

Kaz would drown once more, in Rollins blood, if he had to.

 

If his wraith were here, Kaz knew she would not counsel mercy.

 

Kaz ushered himself and Rahul through the Van Eck gate, closing it as quietly as possible. Once they’d made it to the steps, Kaz rapped his cane against the door. He saw a flicker of light from one of the windows looking over the front garden. Kaz waited patiently with Rahul beside him. He knew he looked more disheveled than he perhaps ever had. He hadn’t had a shower in a week, his suit rumpled and crooked. Kaz didn’t care. There was no time to care for his dignity now, he would shower once he and Rahul had told Jesper and Wylan everything.

 

It was then that Kaz realized he was about to admit his failure to Jesper and Wylan. He should have kept Inej safe. Kaz hated himself for it, but he also knew the truth. It was as if Inej had spoken it to him, from right beside him.

 

It’s not your fault. I’m your equal. I protect myself.

 

Only it hadn’t happened. Inej wasn’t here.

 

“Kaz?” Wylan opened the door, auburn curls tossed from sleep, one hand rubbing his eyes.

 

“Kaz!” Jesper came bounding down the stairs inside the house, clearly much more awake than the young mercher before him. Kaz would have laughed if he remembered how.

 

“What is it? Something’s wrong. You’re back early.” Jesper came to stand by Wylan, silver eyes already taking in Kaz’s appearance, his tone not hiding his blatant concern or confusion. Kaz was back over a day early, with a stranger beside him and no Inej. Kaz understood the sharpshooter’s confusion.

 

Jesper’s shirt was a pale blue, so bright in the dim lamp light of the Van Eck porch. Kaz hadn’t realized how much he needed some normalcy, even in the form of Jesper’s bright and clashing wardrobe.

 

Kaz opened and closed his mouth, aware of Rahul’s eyes on him. Of Jesper and Wylan’s shared look of concern.

 

“Inej is missing.” Kaz whispered, voice hoarse and unabashedly broken.

 

“Come inside.” Wylan gasped, blue eyes shining bright with worry.

 

“I’ll make coffee.” Jesper closed the door behind them as Kaz and Rahul both dropped their bags on the marble floor of the foyer. Kaz didn’t let his eyes linger on Inej’s bag. She should have been here. No, they should have been fast asleep on another ship in private quarters. They should have still had another full day at sea to enjoy each other’s company. They were supposed to have time, together. Kaz would have held fast to the secret in his pocket, but he would have let himself think about it at least a hundred times, he was sure. Kaz knew where, he’d thought he knew when. Then Inej was gone, not even the smoke of shadow left in her wake.

 

Kaz wanted to know Inej’s answer to his question. He just wanted the chance to ask it. He’d settle for one more of her smiles to keep his desolate heart beat company.

 

“We’ll find her. I don’t know what happened, but we’ll get her.” Kaz looked up from his boots at the sound of Jesper’s voice, he hadn’t realized he wasn’t alone as he stared at the ground. Rahul had followed Wylan to the living room off the foyer after a brief and tired introduction that Kaz had vaguely listened to. Jesper was leaning against the bottom of the balustrade on the stair case.

 

“We have to, Jes. We have to. I can’t do this again.” Kaz mumbled, the words escaping every single wall he’d ever built. Kaz had never been so open with anyone besides Inej, except Sharya and Kahir, the night he’d told them who he truly was.

 

“You mean because… because of your brother?” Jesper mused tentatively and quietly. The zemini man was walking on eggshells. Kaz knew why. Kaz Brekker would have had Jesper in a chokehold for mentioning Jordie.

 

Dirtyhands was in control, but somehow, Rietveld stayed his hand.

 

“Yes.” Kaz answered through gritted teeth and a locked jaw.

 

“Then it won’t happen again, we’re going to get her back. Shower or coffee first? You stink and you look like hell, man.” Jesper said, his tone lighter. An attempt that Kaz appreciated. For the first time in seven days, Kaz’s lips quirked up.

 

“Coffee. You always look like hell, Jes.” Kaz answered, shrugging off his coat and tossing it over the bags on the ground. It was trash anyways; he didn’t need to hang it up. It smelled like the week he’d spent next to copious amounts of fresh caught sea bass.

 

“Good to see Ravka taught you manners.” Jesper rolled his eyes and walked toward the living room where Kaz could hear the muffled voices of Wylan and Rahul. Jesper went through the door to the kitchen, making good on his promise of caffeine.

 

Kaz channeled his wraith when he rolled his shoulders back and gripped his cane tight. This was the calm before the storm.

 

He would rain embers upon this city, clearing his path back to his sea. He was Kaz Brekker. Monster. Myth. Legend. Man. If opportunity didn’t knock, he’d pick the lock.  

 

I’m coming for you, mera nadra. Hang on. Don’t slip away from me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

           

 

 

 

 

Chapter 81: Eight Days

Summary:

A show at the Exchange. A reunion.

Notes:

Chapter 81!

GUYS. THIS ONE. FINALLY. IT'S SO LATE AND I"M SORRY. BUT I THINK IT IS WORTH IT. THAT'S ALL I'LL SAY. I LOVE YOU ALL.

I'M FINALLY ABOUT TO WATCH THE SHOW. So, no spoilers in the comments for me and other readers, please! Feel free to ask what I think but I just don't want anything to be spoiled before I get through it tonight. <3

I hope you all love this one and I hope you all still want to read now, after S&B? I just love writing this story and I want to keep sharing. <3 Let me know!

Leave me a comment with what you think?! I can't wait to hear what you guys think. Truly. This one has been 4 seasons in the making, and it's not perfect, but I did my damnedest with the time I had and I'm still proud. <3

"Somebody To Die For" by Hurts (PLEASE LISTEN)

KAZ

 

            “Get Anika here. Tell her to leave Rotty in charge of the house, but get her here. I need to know if anything odd has happened in the Barrel, I need her to bring every missive she’s received for me, specifically from the past week.” Kaz ran a hand through his hair for perhaps the hundredth time in an hour.

 

            An hour of telling Jesper and Wylan what had happened after the suli performance in Os Kervo. An hour of explaining that Khalid was taken, is Rahul’s husband, and Rahul is Inej’s cousin. Jesper had already conveyed to Kaz that nothing had gone wrong with the Crow Club these past weeks that he’d been absent, save for a greedy card skimmer and a poor dealer that Rotty had promptly fired. Jesper had also told him that he’d seen Anika several times, she’d kept Jesper updated on the Dregs business. Kaz had never told Anika to do it, but it seemed his lieutenant recognized Jesper as the true stand in for himself. Kaz appreciated it, from what he’d gleaned in the past hour, only the Liddies had risen up once more and tried to take more of the harbor, but it was apparent that Anika had knocked down the threat with ease in a parlay, Roeder had taken a bad stab wound but was already back in spidering form, thanks to the Dregs own grisha-healer, Arman.

 

Good news for the Barrel, bad news for tips on how to find his girl.

 

            “I’ll head out now. Also, Specht dropped by. Inej’s ship is safe, no one has tried to target it in the harbor as far as I can tell. That was only last week that I saw him, but I saw the Wraith myself when I went to the docks to meet Anika yesterday, nothing seemed amiss. Thought I’d let you know.” Jesper sighed, dark hands tapping at his sides in anxiety after hearing the tale of Inej’s disappearance.

 

            “You said that the man you found in the brothel, the one you and Inej had a lead on, he gave you a name? What was it?” Wylan piped up, setting his empty coffee mug on the table before him. They were all circled in the Van Eck living room, making plans for the next steps.

 

            It was then, for the first time, that Kaz realized. Realized that Jesper and Wylan would not recognize the name Jakob Hertzoon. They didn’t know Kaz’s story, wouldn’t know the significance of the name. It was then, for the first time, Kaz realized it was a hindrance that his closest friends didn’t know his truth.

 

            “Jakob Hertzoon. An alias known to be used by Pekka Rollins.” Kaz answered, suddenly wishing for bourbon instead of coffee. Anything to dull the throb in his leg and the fracturing in his chest. The beginnings of a headache was making itself known behind his brows. Had he drunk water in the past few days? He couldn’t remember.

 

            “Haven’t heard it. Where’d you hear that name? Are you sure it’s him?” Jesper asked. Kaz swallowed, Rahul was to his left and Kaz watched as the man spun the wedding band around his finger once more. Kaz resisted the urge to touch Sankt Petyr, the blade was strapped in a holster under his crumpled blazer. Kaz would not part with the blade again until it was back in Inej’s steady hands. Jesper was perhaps the only man brave enough to question if Kaz Brekker was sure about anything, and Kaz liked him better for it. Even if Kaz didn’t have time to articulate just how positive he was about the alias.

 

            “Positive. I heard the name a long time ago, but it’s his. I know that much. He’s going to pay.” Kaz said lowly, his eyes not looking to anyone in particular. Kaz felt his blood warm once again. Where was Inej, now? Was she at least warm, fed? Kaz had thought he’d feel something, feel something change, when he’d entered Ketterdam and was closer to her. Nothing had. He knew she was in Ketterdam but he’d never felt farther away. Tomorrow marked eight days, there had to be something waiting for him here in Ketterdam. He needed Anika to deliver his missives.

 

            “So our best guesses are Pekka Rollins, Kane De Vries, and whomever Pekka works for, which could or could not also be Kane De Vries. Or a different Slave-trade ring all together. You didn’t recognize the handwriting on the note though? Would you have recognized Pekka’s script from when he ran the Dime Lions?” Wylan mused.

 

            Kaz nodded sharply.

 

            “I don’t think Pekka was in Ravka, or at the least, not on land. I think whomever stole Inej and Khalid was under orders and whatever ship they used to transport them was not harbored longer than a few hours, based on what we found at the docks. I need to check my missives. They said eight days, in Ketterdam. Here I am. Now I need to know what they want. It could be as simple as a ransom for the money the slave trade lost when Inej and I stopped an abduction in Ravka, or it could be as complex as Pekka wanting his crown back. I need a starting point.” Kaz growled, leaning back in the chair and releasing a deep breath. He ran his hands over his face, he wanted to scream.

 

            Scheming mind he might have, but he needed something to go off of. Nothing mattered until he had more of a direction than an alias from the man in the brothel. The man in the brothel had muttered “Jakob” but it might not even be connected, Pekka might be involved elsewhere, but not here. Inej could have been targeted by angered slave traders completely removed from whatever hole Pekka had crawled out of.

 

            Kaz sighed once more, it was most likely Pekka was connected, though. Whomever had stolen Inej had wanted something from Kaz Brekker and was keeping her alive as bait, if it had been lowly, disgruntled, slavers after Captain Ghafa, they’d have just killed her and ended their involvement with a toast to a justice-free True Sea.

 

            “I’ll go get Anika. You go shower. Before you try to beat me with your cane, don’t argue. Let us fucking help, Kaz.” Jesper said sternly, a voice that actually reminded Kaz of Jesper’s father, Colm Fahey.

 

            Rahul chuckled next to him and Kaz couldn’t even muster the glare he wished to send. Kaz nodded once, not bothering to look any of the other men in the eye. He knew, he knew he was not acting how he once would have. He knew that once, he would have punched Jesper for telling him what to do. Kaz wouldn’t now.

 

That was the difference between who Kaz had been before the Ice Court and now; he would reserve his violence for those who deserved it. Jesper, Wylan, and Rahul were not on that list. They were his friends, friends of Inej, too. He’d let them help. He’d let them carry the load so he could at least shower. Try to present himself as Kaz Brekker to his lieutenant once she arrived, instead of as a beaten and tried Kaz Rietveld.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

A bell later, Kaz exited Inej’s room at the Van Eck mansion. He’d showered, and if he’d used the soap Inej loved just to feel closer to her, no one would have to know. No one would get close enough except Inej herself. He’d shaved and felt less haggard, more like himself. Even if it had damn near felt like a cannonball through his chest to go into Inej’s bedroom and see her short blue robe still hanging on the bathroom door.

 

He’d had daydreams about that scrap of satin that had driven him near mad.

 

Kaz had felt pleasantly surprised, though, to find he had a fresh suit still stored in the wardrobe, one that was pressed and clean and did not smell like fish or hard travel on the sea. Kaz would present himself to his enemies as his best.

 

Might as well go to hell in style.

 

He was also pleased it was one of his suits that he wouldn’t mind throwing out, once Rollin’s blood coated it.  Or Kane De Vries’. Or any asshole that stood between himself and Inej. Kaz was not a picky murderer. He’d take what was handed to him. He was raised with the notion to take what was given, gladly or not at all. Granted, his Da probably intended the lesson to be reserved for meals, but Kaz had taken the lesson nonetheless.

 

Kaz was half-way down the main staircase of the Van Eck estate when the front door opened to present Anika and Jesper. Kaz took a look to the clock on the foyer wall, it was only two bells in the morning. Not quite late for the barrel. Chances were, Jesper had found Anika very much awake still, being as she was filling in for Kaz as leader of the Dregs.

 

“Boss.” Anika sighed as he came into view to the first floor landing. Kaz noticed the bags under his lieutenant’s eyes, the way her clothes seemed disheveled. He’d been correct to assume Anika was not relishing in leadership, he could tell from appearance alone. She also did not seem to hide the evident relief to see him, surely to pass the reins of Ketterdam back off to Dirtyhands.

 

“Did you bring my missives?” Kaz rasped in greeting as he made it to the foyer. His leg was irritated with his lack of sleep, lack of food, lack of any care at all except for the mission ahead of him. Kaz didn’t care. His leg could rest when he was dead or when Inej was returned to his side, whichever came first.

 

“I did. Is someone going to tell me what’s going on?” Anika ran a hand over the sheered side of her blonde head, green eyes speaking of exhaustion in equal measure with exasperation. Jesper rolled his eyes from behind Anika, clearly not in the mood to deal with another round of questions which he’d surely endured on the way over to the mansion from the Slat.

 

Kaz heard a door open and close from the floor above him, Kaz assumed it to be Rahul. He’d heard Wylan usher Inej’s cousin to a spare room when he’d been on his way to shower, he had also heard the demolitionist tell the suli man to rest until they had a plan. Kaz was grateful, Rahul would be of no help in this meeting. Kaz would only include him once he had actual information to give. He owed it to Rahul, to the Ghafa’s entirely, to ensure Inej’s safety. He would not let them down.

 

“Missives. Explanations will come once I have something to give.” Kaz growled and he saw Anika’s eyes widen. She had been in the Dregs alongside Kaz since she was thirteen, she’d been in the gang nearly as long as him. She knew when he was in a mood.

 

‘Mood’ did not even begin to describe Kaz’s rage howling under his skin, like dogs starved for too long.

 

Anika sighed and dug into her coat pocket, producing a packet bound in twine of at least twenty missives.

 

“That’s it?” Kaz growled as he reached for the bundle.

 

“That’s this week. I figured you’d want the newest first, I’ve opened them up until this morning. I only just got back to the Slat from checking on the Club when Jesper came for me.” Anika answered.

 

“Fine.” Kaz replied, already ripping open the first letter on his way to the living room once more.

 

“Where’s the Wraith?” Anika asked innocently from behind him. Kaz heard Jesper take a deep breath. Kaz turned slowly, violence already searing his tongue like spice. Clearly Jes had kept his mouth shut entirely.

 

“Missing. Or do you see her here? What the fuck do you think?” Kaz spat, unwilling to regret the menace in his voice.

 

“Kaz.” Jesper warned.

 

“What? Don’t you think I’m fucking pissed, Jesper? I left with her. I should have brought her back!” Kaz roared.

 

“Kaz.” It was Rahul’s voice that stopped him from the foyer. Kaz didn’t miss Anika’s step back. Kaz, as vicious as he could be, he rarely yelled. Anika didn’t deserve it, and he knew it. Kaz couldn’t be bothered to care. Rahul had clearly ignored Wylan’s advice to rest.

 

“What?” Kaz snarled. Rahul was having none of it.

 

“Inej needs you. She needs us. I’m livid just as much as you. My cousin was just returned to me; my husband is with her. My life is… apart,” Rahul’s brows furrowed with frustration in speaking kerch. “But we’re family now. We need all the help we can get. Stop raging and start being the man I know you to be because otherwise… I can’t think of otherwise.”

 

Anika turned her eyes to Rahul and assessed the suli man for the first time, clearly piecing together what little information she could about the situation. Kaz pinched the bridge of his nose with a glove clad hand, closed his eyes, took a deep breath. Rolled his shoulders back. Kaz should snap at Rahul, he should have him by the throat by now. Kaz was tired of that tactic. He had other things to focus on, Anika knew of his involvement with Inej. Anika would not spread rumors of his softness, he could trust her enough for that.

 

“Mati en sheva yelu.” Kaz whispered to Rahul, maybe to Anika. He didn’t know. Inej was not here, but his own conscience had yawned in her wake and ushered the apology from his lips.

 

Kaz opened his eyes to see Rahul nod, brisk and unconvinced, but accepting.

 

“Jes, can you please tell Anika everything I told you? Preferably elsewhere so I can get through this?” Kaz asked, aware of how rare it was for him to use such a word as “please”.

 

Jesper’s iron eyes narrowed on Kaz for a moment, but nodded all the same. Kaz turned back to the missives and sank into a chair by the coffee table, he heard Jesper take Anika into the dining room, Rahul on their tail. Kaz knew Rahul could introduce himself, would help Jesper tell the story when needed.

 

Kaz searched through mostly pointless missives, runner reports from the docks, new hire paperwork at the Crow Club. When Kaz was halfway through the stack and about ready to start slitting throats through West Stave, he came to a letter stamped with a golden double eagle crest. Unopened.

 

Sturmhond. Or someone in the Ravkan Courts. Kaz could only think of two suspects, the Lantsov King, Privateer Prince; or Nina Zenik if she’d returned to Os Alta. It wouldn’t explain her use of the official seal, however.

 

Kaz ripped open the letter, forgoing the use of a blade to break the seal.

 

 

Mister Brekker,

 

I’m unsure how quickly this will reach you, but I hope it finds you in good and wealthy spirits, the best kind. I’d say I also hope you’re in good company, but alas, I’m afraid I’m unable to make the voyage at this time to spend time with thieves and thugs.

 

It’s come to my attention that there has been some activity on the coast of Ravka that I thought might be of interest to you. I remember that favor you requested of me, after the auction. The family, for your girl.

 

Seems someone has been looking for that same girl, as well. There’s a price on her head in one of the Slave trade rings: Serpent’s Head. My court, my crew, informed me that ring is under the watchful eyes of a man known as Kane De Vries. I’ve been unable to uncover further information on this character, but it’s been told to me that one of his ships made port in Os Kervo this month, with a manifest set due for Kerch and your city. We watch for the Slavers here, too.

 

Tell your Captain to look for a ship with green flags, boring a silver serpent in the shape of a ring (clever, isn’t he?) There will be no countryman’s crest. It seems this man is nomadic; I’ve not found citizenship documentation in Ravka for his name.

 

Best of luck to you, Your Royal Lowness of the Barrel.

 

Sincerely, Privateer Sturmhond

 

 

Kaz suppressed a giddy laugh. The letter was dated from only a week ago; of course a King would be able to get it to him this quickly. Only a king would be able to get a letter from Ravka to Kerch in that length of time. Letters from Kings, interesting. Kaz had a heading. A ship with green flags and a serpent emblem. Clearly the King had been unaware that Kaz himself had been on Ravkan soil at the time. Good.

 

Kaz had a heading. It took a moment before it truly sank in. Inej. He had a piece of the puzzle thanks to an overly cocky pirate with a crown. He supposed he was in love with a pirate as well; a queen, who needed no jewel atop her perfectly balanced head to mark her as royalty. Nikolai Lantsov had pulled through for him. Maybe Kaz had more friends than he’d thought.

 

Kaz set the letter aside, moving to the next missive with eager fingers. There still had to be something here, a clue, from whomever stole Inej. They had told him, “eight days, Ketterdam”. They wanted something from Kaz, there was no other reason. Kaz didn’t know whether they had stolen Inej because whoever they were knew what she meant to him, or if they’d taken a gamble on stealing his spider. Kaz suspected even if someone had trailed them after the show in Os Kervo, it had been an abduction of opportunity. If himself and Rahul had also been present, it could have changed things.

 

Kaz couldn’t dwell on the thought. The past had happened. He couldn’t change it. What was the proverb? Something about robbery and seconds. Inej had told it to him once. Damnit. She needed to be here to correct him.

 

Kaz shifted through other missives, nothing out of the usual, a parlay request from the Blacktips that Kaz would need to look over when he was actually focused on work, and not the prolonged torture of a vice squeezing his heart.

 

“Anything?” Anika voiced, coming through the door behind him with Jesper and Rahul in tow. Wylan must have come back downstairs as well because the ginger was only a moment behind them. Kaz hadn’t even noticed.

 

“Yes, I have a heading. Nothing from the actual perpetrator, though. Only a… a friend gave me a tip.” Kaz swallowed, tucking the note from the King of Ravka in his pocket.

 

“Jesper told me that they left a note for you, back in Ravka, can I see it?” Anika asked. Kaz shrugged and tossed it to her from his other pocket, he’d looked at the note a thousand times, the creases in the parchment evident from his constant folding and refolding aboard the fishing vessel.

 

Anika scanned the page as Kaz straightened all his opened missives into a pile on the table. Things he’d read for their true purpose once Inej was safe.

 

“Wait. Eight days.” Anika paused, her hand trailing the single line of script on the page.

 

“Yes. Eight days. Believe it or not, I read the note myself.” Kaz growled.

 

“Those signs! That’s what you’re thinking of too, isn’t it?” Wylan piped up, setting down his mug on the table. There was a level of connection that was springing forth that Kaz wasn’t privy to. What signs?

 

“What are you talking about?” Kaz rasped. Jesper came to look at the note over Anika’s shoulder. Rahul hung back by the fireplace.

 

“There are these flyers that have been posted all around the city, started about a week ago. They’re promising a ‘performance’ in the square in front of the Exchange, 12 bells noon. I noticed because that’s not where the Komedie Brute normally puts on shows, obviously. It’s not like West Stave. The Exchange square never hosts performances. The odd thing was, there’s nothing signaling the Komedie. No masks on the flyers. No hint to the performance. People have been ripping them down, as if a flyer equates to a ticket. Heard the pigeons talking about extending their trips for whatever it is. Dates on the flyers would mark it as the same day. Today. Tomorrow? What time is it?” Anika sputtered, eyes flying to the clock on the mantle.

 

Kaz took a low breath. It had to be why Kane, Pekka, Whoever, had told him to be here in eight days. It was too much of a coincidence.

 

It was time to begin. Kaz knew how his city worked, the Exchange would be packed. Ketterdam was notorious for being gullible. People would show, from all walks. Especially if there was a mystery involved. But what bothered him was the fact that this “show” would be in front of the Exchange. If the Merchant council wasn’t in an uproar about the lack of propriety, that meant they were in on it. Whatever it was could not be good.

 

Wylan. Wylan was technically on the council now. He was the leader of it, in terms of wealth, at the least.

 

“Wylan, Jesper, have you gone over your missives from the council in the past week?” Kaz questioned.

 

“We have, but they are still not exactly… inviting myself to all of their meetings. But, you know what, they meet on Tuesdays, third week of the month. Same time this show is supposedly happening. The merchant council would be meeting at the exact same time, unless this… whatever it is, is taking place instead of their meeting.” Wylan mused, pacing the room, tugging on the sleeves of his maroon sweater.

 

Kaz sighed. What would the merchant council back, what would they allow to take over the profit center of the city for an entire day? They may have reason to hate Kaz Brekker, but what would they possibly gain from partnering with a Slave-ring publicly? It was just poor business.

 

Unless, it was a way to achieve more than one goal… an idea formed in Kaz’s mind. He wasn’t happy about it. He hoped he was wrong.

 

A public hanging to undermine the Dregs would be something they would back. A public hanging that would surely pad their pockets once Kane De Vries offered a copious amount of kruge to help him rid the thorn in his side that was Captain Inej Ghafa. Many of the merchant council members frequented the pleasure houses, even under Mister Crimson masks or Imp facades.

 

“I need you to send Rotty and Arman here, I want you to continue as if I’ve not returned to the city, Anika. I need no one to know I’ve returned, even in the Dregs. Outside of you, Rotty, and Arman, I’m still gone. I need to get in touch with whatever crew of Inej’s is still in the city. Wylan, I want you to go to the Exchange, find out if there’s a board meeting room for the council under reserve. Even if they didn’t invite you, they cannot bar you from their meetings. If there’s not a room under reserve, there’s only two options. Either, the Merchant council is in fact backing this “show” and there is no meeting, or they are taking their conversations to a private residence to remain out of the way. Both would confirm my suspicions. Rahul, you stay here for now. You don’t know this city and I won’t let you be discovered as a target, whether to myself or Inej. We have to assume that De Vries, or Pekka, have eyes on every corner of the city.” Kaz paused at the widened expressions of the four others in the room, he met each of their eyes in the span of a heartbeat, he had slipped into his role of leader once more. “Jes, you’re with me. We’re going down to the docks. I have a lead on what ship may have transported Inej and Khalid.”

 

“I can walk around, Kaz, but you can’t. You just said you don’t want anyone knowing you’re here.” Jesper ran a hand over the side of his face, exasperated. Jesper had a point, but Kaz had already schemed around that problem.

 

“That’s where Arman comes in. I need him here, immediately. It’s time to remind our house grisha why I hired him besides his gifts as a healer. Jes, be ready. We leave at first light, six bells sharp. I’ll be in touch, Anika.” Kaz didn’t bother to say anything further, letting his exit from the room be a dismissal. He wanted to stash Inej’s blades, he also needed to prepare himself. He was about to be touched by someone, he was about to endure the same sort of torture he’d suffered when Genya Safin had healed him after the coup for his leadership.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

INEJ

 

            The darkness gave way to bleeding candle light in the distance. Inej touched her leg, where she’d been injected. It was starting to infect, even if she couldn’t see, she felt the give of the tissue on her thigh under her ripped leggings. She’d barely regained consciousness, she had no idea how long it had been since she’d been taken in Ravka. She knew she’d been on the sea, at some point. She was starting to remember flashes of water being forced down her throat while she was weak. She thought she remembered Khalid’s scream, once. She couldn’t be sure if it was reality or her nightmares, though. She thought she remembered being wheeled on a cart, at some point or another, as well.

 

 A flutter of her lashes in the haze of a drug fueled consciousness had caused her to remember three words.

 

            Enjent.

 

            Voorhent.

 

            Almhent.

 

            Industry, Integrity, Prosperity. Kerch. Those were the words etched in the archway leading into the square before the Exchange in Ketterdam.

 

            Was it true? Could she be all the way back in Ketterdam? What had they dosed her with? To Inej, it all felt like hours. Maybe a day. Maybe years, in reality. She couldn’t remember daylight. Was this her final punishment from the Saints? Had they taken away the light since she’d chosen to become shadow?

 

            Inej opened and closed her eyes once more, focusing on the bobbing candlelight in the distant sea of night. Wherever she was, it stank of staleness. She could hear the drip of water against stone somewhere behind her. She could have sworn she’d heard the scuttle of rats’ feet, once. Ketterdam never had basements, not really. It was too wet with all the canals and the harbor. So where was she? Why did she remember the words on the arch to the Exchange? Had that been where they’d wheeled her through?

 

            “Inej?” A hoarse and dry whisper cut through the void. Khalid. Inej would recognize her oldest friend’s voice anywhere. Hope shot through her veins, waking her consciousness like a cat stretching after sunbathing.

 

            “Khalid?” Inej’s throat protested the syllables of his name. She needed water. She needed something to rinse her leg with. Whoever had taken her was not keen on keeping their repeated injection sites clean. It told her more about her captors than she wanted to contemplate.

 

            They didn’t need Inej healthy. They weren’t planning on brokering her. They weren’t planning on her walking away from this. She would. Inej would not give up. Even more so, Kaz was out there. Whoever had taken her, they had picked the wrong fight.

 

            “Are you okay? I’ve been awake for a while.” Khalid’s voice came to her again, echoing off the stone surrounding her, even as he spoke in a whisper. Inej was grateful he’d spoken in suli, perhaps if there were guards nearby, they wouldn’t understand.

 

            “My leg’s getting infected. I think I remember them injecting me with something.” Inej whispered back, ignoring the scorch of embers in her throat.

 

            “They have been. They had to dose me twice, the first time. I guess it’s because I’m bigger than you. My arm is sore; I think they did my bicep. I don’t remember much, do you?”

 

            “More tissue for you on the arms. They wanted to put us under quickly. I don’t remember much either, do you know how long it’s been? Last thing I remember clearly was walking on the docks. But I think we’re in Ketterdam.” Inej mumbled, testing the chains on her ankles. Her wrists were also bound, the chain bolted somewhere to her left, along a stone wall.

 

            It felt like the first days she’d been taken, back when she’d been fourteen years old. Her heart began to ricochet, the memories rising.

 

            ‘No!’ She warned her demons, a shout internal and guttural. This was different, she was not a terrified fourteen-year-old girl. She was eighteen, going on nineteen. She was the Wraith. Captain Inej Ghafa. Khalid was faring the dark with her. Her avri was out there, somewhere. As much as Inej had jibed, told him to be better, she was grateful for Dirtyhands in this moment. Kaz Brekker was her avri and his rage would be unmatched and unleashed. She knew it.

 

            I would have come for you. And if I couldn’t walk, I’d crawl to you, and no matter how broken we were, we’d fight our way out together- knives drawn, pistols blazing. Because that’s what we do. We never stop fighting.

 

            Inej would not stop fighting, just as she knew her moon would not stop shining and her waves would not stop crashing.

 

            “If we’re in Ketterdam, it has to have been at least a week, hasn’t it? Welcome to Ketterdam Khalid, I guess.” Khalid sighed. Inej sensed he was not too far from her, but her arms only met air when she reached out with her shackles.

 

            Inej huffed a depressed scoff. Khalid had never been to Ketterdam, or Kerch at all, for that matter. Now he’d have the same memories as herself, being stolen and forced onto this city.

 

            What would Kaz do? She’d schemed with him enough before. For years. What would Kaz’s brilliant, crooked, criminal, mind do down here in the dark?  

 

            “Khalid, I need your help. Do you know if when they come to dose us, do they light up the room?”

 

            “I saw only a single torch. One man injects, the other two stay outside. Can’t see much, I think we’re in a cell of sorts. I only saw their shadows, sorry.” Khalid confessed.

 

            “Perfect.” Inej answered. It was a long-shot, this little scheme of hers. But, if they returned to knock them out once more, like she assumed, it might just work.

 

            “How the hell is that perfect?” Khalid questioned.

 

            “We’re going to have to act and make it believable, Shahab.” Brother. “But first, I need you to see if you can rip part of your shirt off, from the bottom. Not too high, we don’t want them to notice the fabric is missing.”

 

            “Okay…” Khalid answered tentatively, Inej heard the tear of fabric.

 

            Kaz, I’m going to scheme. Ghezen, save me. Saints speed, mera chaar. I’ll see you on the other side…or, I suppose, the other side.

 

 

 

8 Bells later

 

KAZ

 

            Their plan was in motion. They’d spent every last minute until they needed to leave for the Exchange getting it down, going over every detail. This was as close as Kaz could come to the Saints-damned auction without repeating it.

 

            If Kaz was honest with himself, he’d ensured Jesper and Wylan knew to leave with Rahul if anything even began to go wrong. Kaz would get them all out this time, he had to.

 

            I may be a Demjin, drüskelle, but a demon who learns from his mistakes. It may not have been my fault you died, but it was my fault you were there. Tell Djel I hope his tree grows back.  If you really are out there, protect the girl your girl loves like a sister.

 

            They’d found out an enormous amount of information from the ship, which he and Jesper had snuck on to this morning. The ship Sturmhond had cautioned him about in his letter. It had been nearly deserted, but he and Jesper had kept one guard standing, a kid no older than thirteen, who had ended up on the ship when he couldn’t be sold for a good price. He’d become an employee to the Slave-trade in order to keep his life. Kaz had let him live. The kid now had enough kruge in his pocket to get a dealer down in the barrel to apprentice him. Kaz didn’t know why he’d done it. Jesper had remarkably not said a word to Kaz directly, thankfully. Only released a scoff and mumbled something like “damn, Inej is a miracle worker.” The kid, Jack, had told them that this ship had in fact sailed from Ravka, and was a part of Kane De Vries fleet, but Kane himself had never been aboard. The Captain for the vessel took orders from another man, Jakob.

 

            Jesper had seen Kaz’s fist hit a wall of the vessel, after Jack was gone. Jesper had only repeated what he’d said before. “We’ll get her.” Kaz owed his zemini sharp shooter a bottle of bourbon for keeping his quips to himself, and for balancing Kaz in the place of Inej. He owed Jesper a lot more than that, but he wasn’t ready to think on it. Jesper was here, Kaz would make sure to get his brother out, this time.

 

            When they’d gone through the Captain’s quarters, Kaz had found a drafted note in a recognizable script, Pekka’s. The grimy red-headed skivstain. The letter had been addressed to a “boss”, which Kaz had deduced must be Kane De Vries in the flesh. Turns out, Pekka had gone rogue. Kane wanted Inej dead, for what she’d done to his business on the seas, rescuing the innocent and sinking his vessels left and right. Pekka wanted his city back, and clearly, wanted both Kaz and Inej out of the way. Inej for the threats she’d bestowed when she’d entered his county home in the dead of night with a promise of a second cut, Kaz for taking Ketterdam and collapsing an emerald-green empire built on Jordie’s bones. Pekka thought he could take his city back, be done with Inej and Kaz, get the reputation of being Kane De Vries best employee, and gain the good graces of the Merchant council all in one stupid fucking swoop. Kaz knew Pekka wanted the merchers to praise him, so he could have his licenses to operate again after the “plague”. Kaz knew he’d try and raise the Dime Lions back to royalty, kill off the Dregs that refused to join.

 

            Too bad. Kaz had other plans. The enemy of my enemy is my friend. Or, rather, Kane would not have backed a public execution when his part of “indenturement” was the illegal part. Kane De Vries would need to be dealt with, by both himself and Inej, but it would wait. The slaver was not in Ketterdam, and Kaz knew it. Pekka was acting not under orders, but instead making a gamble his coffers couldn’t afford. In fact, if Kaz had to wager, Kane De Vries would be furious if he learned of “Jakob’s” theatrics.

 

Pekka would lose everything, all over again. Kaz would not murder Pekka’s son. Kaz would murder the father, though. If he was honest, he did not feel remorse. That child could be better off. Wylan would have been better off without Jan, and Kaz knew the ginger merchling would agree.

 

            From everything Kaz could glean, Jakob Hertzoon had himself tailored by a grisha, shedding the skin of Pekka Rollins, and posed himself as an honest man, a native to Kerch, who wanted to put an end to the impact Inej Ghafa had had on Ketterdam, both as the spy named Wraith and as a Captain. Kaz knew the merchant council would go for it in a heartbeat, they valued profit above all else. Inej had stolen alongside the Dregs. She’d hindered the fuel of fresh flesh in the Pleasure Houses. The pleasure houses that so many men on the council frequented under masks of Komedie Brute. Kaz Brekker knew the truth, though. Of course the merchant council would also agree to the public execution of Kaz Brekker. He hadn’t been caught since he was fourteen, but they all knew he was guilty. Even if he’d put Jan Van Eck away and they’d believed in Kaz’s version of events. Kaz Brekker was a plague to the tidy, honest, merchers.

 

            Pekka’s grand scheme had come forth in a plan for a public execution, partnered with the only semi-monarchs Kerch had. His plan was to dangle Inej Ghafa, literally, to catch a monster with Dirtyhands. Pekka knew. Pekka knew Inej was not just an investment to Kaz, knew she was something more than a working partner. Knew she’d been there the day Kaz had promised the very much living-burial of the kaelish prince, and had done nothing. Pekka knew that Inej cared for Kaz, too. She’d broken into his home and threatened Pekka, not on Kaz’s behalf, but because Inej… she cared. She loved him. Kaz knew now that Inej had begun to love him, even then.

 

            Pekka may have even had trails on them in Os Kervo. Kaz had kissed Inej, deeply, before she’d walked away with Khalid that night. Surely the men who captured her had reported back to Pekka. The whole “show” in front of the Exchange was simply a trap, a trap for Kaz Brekker. Ketterdam had shown up, this city thrived on the macabre. They would not shy away from an execution, the same way they had not shied away from an auction of a young Shu boy who had nothing to give and had lost everything. Kaz realized that now. Kuwei Yul Bo and himself had more in common than he’d ever thought. They’d lost their families too young, and had been thrown into terrible circumstances that they had no control over.

 

            Kaz was glad he’d seen Kuwei Yul Bo to safety. He’d never admit it, but he was. The boy had a chance now. Just like Kaz had created his own chance.

 

            There would be snipers on every roof of the buildings surrounding the Exchange square. There would be spies amongst the crowd. There would be at least four stadwatch grunts at every entrance to the square, checking faces. Looking for any sign of Brekker or his gang. Checking arms for Crows. Kaz had ordered Anika to keep every member of the Dregs away from the Exchange if they valued their lives. Except for Rotty and Arman.

 

            The thing about grisha healers, was they could also walk the line of tailor, if they bothered to learn. Arman had. He was good at it, too. Kaz had found their house medic half-drunk in a tavern, taking shots to numb the pain of a broken heart. Kaz had heard rumors from little Ravka that there was a healer in Ketterdam who did not associate with the other Grisha, who had healed a man in the Geldrenner hotel, a man who had still died after a blow to the head in a drunken blow-out. Arman was a widow. A half-suli, half-zemini widow that had had nowhere to go in a city and had less funds by the second with the amount he drank. Kaz had hired him in the dimness of an alleyway with only the promise of a warm bed and a tab at the Crow Club if he’d be the Dregs personal physician and healer. Arman had taken quickly to his role, and not to mention, saved both Anika’s and Inej’s life. Arman was still relatively new, he’d been hired during Inej’s first voyage, but he was loyal to a fault. Arman had made friends in the Dregs, found love with a medic in the city named Daron.  

 

            Arman had tailored off the tattoos of both Kaz and Jesper, as well as Wylan and Rotty. They had all been tailored further, save for Arman who had simply removed his own tattoo. Kaz couldn’t feel the changes, but he knew they were there. His eyes had been turned a muddy green, apparently removing all the darkness of his natural eyes had been “fucking impossible”, as Arman said when he broke a sweat. Kaz’s hair had been turned a few shades lighter, Arman had given him a freckle on his cheek. A slightly crooked nose. Removed the scar above his lip and lessened the severity of the one at his brow. Those few changes had been torture, but Kaz had made it without fainting. He’d traded his cane for an umbrella to lean his weight on once in the square, he’d managed to walk past the Stadwatch with almost no limp at all. His leg had protested the entire way, but Kaz didn’t have time to care. Jesper was beside him, his skin two shades lighter, more suli than Zemini, with bright blue eyes and a beard that was prop rather than tailoring. Wylan’s curls had been turned a dark brown after he’d returned from the Exchange, where he’d confirmed there was no meeting room reserved for the Merchant council today. This “show” was the meeting. Wylan had also donned glasses and the clothing of a street peddler. Rotty had all but stayed the same, save for a darkening of his skin tone and his clothes changed into that of a kitchen worker. Rotty was out of sight, anyhow. With Wylan. Ready to blast the platform in the center of the square with smoke bombs from underneath. They’d already been here for several hours, Kaz had gotten them past the stadwatch when Rahul had posed as a lost tourist, drunk at nine bells in the morning, who was half vomiting and half slurring. Kaz almost felt sorry for the tonic that Wylan had given Inej’s cousin, that had made the puking very much real. Almost. He’d helped immensely, for a man who’d never been in Ketterdam and had just as much to lose as Kaz himself in this mission. Thankfully, Rahul was sequestered back at the Van Eck estate now, with Marya and servants galore.

 

            “Fucking packed.” Jesper whispered from beside Kaz as they moved around the crowded square. It was true, packed to the brim with tourists and locals alike in preparation for the mysterious entertainment. Kaz put as much distance between himself and each body as he could, but at the very least, Jesper’s height was on their side. Many moved out of the way for the Zemini. Kaz was also grateful for the very brisk and cloudy day, making his gloves fitting, though, he’d changed to a suede pair he’d snatched from Wylan’s closet this morning. He missed the coolness of leather.

 

            “Specht.” Kaz whispered lowly once he and Jesper came to a stop behind a burly figure, clad in the clothes of a naval officer. Specht had been included in this mission for his Captain, thankfully, he was the best document forger there was. There had been no need to tailor Specht, he’d played the part of comrade with the Stadwatch and waltzed right on in after flashing seemingly official documentation.

 

            The man turned his head slightly but did not turn around to face them. Kaz had warned him not to associate with anyone directly, to play the part of an officer on leave to see a show, alone.

 

            “When the flares go off from the roof, you know what to do?” Kaz urged, keeping his lips down near the collar of his coat. To anyone, he and Jesper had just ceased walking once they found a good vantage point of the stage. Wylan had figured out a way to set up flares, on the roof lip just above the doors of the Exchange. Once Kaz gave the signal, Arman would be able to trigger them from the hidden switch under a loose brick near where he stood. Originally, Kaz had thought to have Rotty there, but once Arman was included, Kaz thought to make him more useful.

 

            “Yes sir. We’ll get her out. Rendezvous at the far gate. Get the Cap out of sight.” Specht confirmed quietly. Kaz leaned heavily on his much-too-short umbrella walking stick with a slight confirmation for only Inej’s first-mate to hear.

 

            Kaz and Jesper spotted Arman across the square, leaning casually against the bannister to the main Exchange building. The healer was only still here for an emergency and to trigger the flares for commotion. Kaz would not risk a member of his make-shift crew falling without a chance at survival, a healer would have saved Matthias. Arman could also prove useful if they had another reason to tailor quickly for an escape, even if it was a long shot the man could do it that fast.

 

            Jesper steered them to the point they’d decided on previously, close enough to the stage to hear every word, but not so close that Pekka could even search them out in the crowd if he was on the stage. Not that the asshole would even recognize them. Pekka didn’t have enough brains for that.

 

            Just then, an announcer in a well-pressed suit climbed up to the stage. The stage that had a gallows and a waiting noose, the death knot swaying in the harbor breeze ominously.

 

            “Ladies and Gentlemen! Please, quiet!” The announcer yelled, a scrawny sort of man with a yellowed grin and a haphazard handle bar mustache that had turned an off-white.

 

            Hushed whispers began to dwindle amongst the city of greed. Eyes turning to the horror promised. The eyes of Greed had opened with a promise of profit.

 

            “Today, we set an example. An example of what it means when you trifle with the profit of a hard-working nation, a prideful city built on industry. Ghezen looks down with outstretched hands of good fortune, today!” The man yelled into an amplifying horn.  Applause already broke out around himself and Jesper. Kaz wanted to scream. He would not. He spotted one of the snipers on the roof of the exchange. If Kaz’s scheme went according to plan, those snipers would never have a target. Never have a place to shoot. No crosshairs on any of Kaz’s crew.

 

            “Today, we also say thanks. We thank a man who has brought one of Kerch’s most wanted criminals to justice.” The announcer gestured to the left of the stage, where another man took the steps up to join the production.

 

            A man with dark hair, olive skin. Modest but fine clothing. The eyes. The eyes could never hide his nature, though. Pekka. He may not look kaelish, but he walked the same. His eyes shined with greed and smugness. Rollins’ thought he’d already won. Kaz didn’t miss the way Pekka scanned the crowd, hoping for a glimpse of Kaz Brekker. Pekka hadn’t considered that Kaz would have a tailor of his own. Hadn’t considered he’d walk right into the square, no theatrics necessary.

 

            Idiot.

 

            “Ketterdam!” Pekka cheered, his voice held none of his kaelish accent, but all of his false splendor. “It is my honor to do away with piracy in our waters. Piracy that has cost us goods due for Ketterdam! Food for our bellies! Kruge for our pockets!” Pekka yelled triumphantly as gasps and cheers broke out around the square. Kaz wanted to choke him for the sole reason that he’d accused Inej of stealing hard earned goods. Inej had never once sank a vessel of honest trade. She’d sank human-traffickers. In Ketterdam’s eyes, the Wraith was evil. In the eyes of boys and girls around the world, in the eyes of Lina and Cara, Inej was a fucking Saint. Pekka would pay.

 

            Kaz swiveled his eyes around the stage. There was no sign of Inej yet. Nor Khalid. Jesper was doing the same, his fingers clutched in fists at his sides. He had only one small pistol on him, hidden in the back of his belt, no revolvers. His zemini revolvers had as much of a reputation as the zemini sharp shooter himself. It would have marked him as Dregs.

 

            “We also have a man. A man who has single-handedly aided this plague and Captain on her voyages, a tribute to Ghezen, today is! We let the world know the strength of our small nation. We show them what we do with thieves and pirates!” Pekka shouted as he paced the stage, meeting the eyes of audience members. Lies. Blatant fucking lies. Khalid had never even been on a ship before he was taken from Ravka, let alone Inej’s own vessel.

 

            “There.” Jesper whispered sharply from beside him. Kaz followed his gaze, just behind the stage, where a path had been cleared of audience members, five Stadwatch members marched, along with two men that Kaz presumed sailed in on the ship with Pekka’s orders. Circled by the guards, was Khalid. He was bound in chains, his eyes squinted in the light. His face bore a weeks-worth of beard, scraggly. Khalid’s copper skin looked sallow and sickly, a single guard was supporting the flame-eaters weight. Khalid was basically being dragged, half-unconscious and clearly either drugged or malnourished. Fuck.

 

            “That’s not how they do the hangings.” Jesper mumbled. Jes was right. In Ketterdam, when there was an execution, all those due for the noose, hung at the same time. Never one at a time, unless there was only one. Kaz’s hands itched.

 

            Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. They could stop one hanging, one only. One chance. Their plan was reliant on it. Pekka was showing his hand. They were going to hang Khalid to try to get Kaz to come out and try to save them both, Inej and Khalid. Clearly, Pekka had gathered that Khalid was not just some nobody. He held importance to both himself and Inej. Fuck you, Pekka Rollins.

 

            The guards marched Khalid up the stairs to the gallows as cheers arose from the crowd.

 

            “What do we do, Kaz?” Jesper asked hurriedly, keeping his words quiet.

 

            “We save Inej.” Kaz regretted the words and did not, all at the same moment. He couldn’t let Inej hang. He couldn’t. If Khalid didn’t make it... at least Inej would. Khalid would want it.

 

            “Kaz,” Jesper gasped. Kaz followed the Zemini’s eyes once more. From the same path Khalid’s death troupe had come, marched a second group. This party had seven guards, despite the fact the prisoner in the middle was much, much, smaller than Khalid.

 

            Inej. Inej. Inej. His bones began to buzz a warning of her nearness, even from across the square. Kaz thought her voyages had felt long. They had nothing on the past eight days. When she was at Sea, Kaz knew she was doing her work. Just as he was in Ketterdam. He knew she was free, fed, warm, able to protect herself even if he worried for her safety. The past eight days, none of those things had been true. He knew it to be so as he caught his first glimpse of his Wraith.

 

            She was pale. As pale as he’d ever seen her. Her hair was down and hung in dusty waves, her clothes were tattered and ripped in places. Her abdomen was almost entirely exposed, her stomach flatter than it should be. Her eyes looked up from thick lashes, she was scanning the square. She was being dragged, her feet not even moving. Kaz noticed something, though. Something only Kaz would know. Inej was hanging off the guard, limp as could be, head bowed. But, her posture was still perfect. Inej was acting. Or, she had more strength than she was letting on. It was a single flare of hope, hope that Inej was not as poor off as her appearance foreshadowed.

 

            Kaz let his eyes move slowly away from Inej to over her shoulder. He cast a meaningful look to Arman, who nodded his chin just slightly as he faked a cough. Arman would be needed, as soon as they got out of this fucking shit-show.

 

            Kaz wanted to call out to Inej, he couldn’t. He’d give it all up. He wanted her to know he was here, he was going to get her out of here. Khalid too, if he could figure it out.

 

            Just then, Pekka stepped off the stage, ignoring the cheers and cries for false justice of Ketterdam citizens and pigeons alike. Kaz and Jesper shared a look, a look edged in concern, as Pekka walked to the group of guards containing Inej right next to the stage. Khalid stood still as a statue on steady feet next to the hungry gallows. Clearly, Khalid could at least stand still without help. His guards did not move, neither to outfit the flame-eater in the waiting noose, or otherwise. Kaz watched, unable to hear across the square, as Pekka made a motion to the group of Khalid’s guards on the stage.

 

            What the hell? They were ushering Khalid off the stage. A roar of protests surged the square of the Exchange.

 

            “Change in plans, we hang the most-guilty first today, ladies and gentlemen!” The announcer from before had stepped forward again.

 

            “What? What the fuck?” Jesper mumbled beside him. Kaz watched in stilled horror as Inej was marched up to the platform of the gallows, she rolled her shoulders back. This was good, though. Kaz would give the signal. If Inej was to hang first, they would get her out and rescue Khalid in the commotion. It wasn’t his plan A, but Kaz could settle for Plan Z. Improvising is what Kaz Brekker did best.

 

            “Kaz.” Jes whispered urgently. Kaz had been focused on finding Arman’s eyes across the square. He turned his head immediately at Jesper’s tone.

 

            Kaz looked up to the stage, Inej was looking straight at him. Her eyes were lined in silver.What, mera nadra? Kaz didn’t understand.

 

            Inej turned her head ever so slightly, acting as if she was trying to get hair out of her face. Kaz followed the turn of her chin.

 

            No. No. No. Pekka had Khalid kneeled in front of him, making certain that the flame-eater was watching his best friends impending hanging. That wasn’t the worst part of it. There was a barrel of a revolver pressed to Khalid’s temple. Pekka grinned, pride in every twitch of muscle as he stared down The Wraith and her hangman’s noose.

 

            This was the plan. This was the plan all along. Pekka was using Khalid to stay Inej’s hand. To make sure she’d follow through. To make sure she’d let herself be hung. Pekka was relying on Inej to be able to stop Kaz from acting. To stop him from acting until she was already dead. Pekka knew if Inej hung, Kaz wouldn’t be able to stop from exposing himself. If Kaz so much as moved to help Inej, Khalid would die. If Kaz moved to help Khalid, Inej would die. If Inej died, Kaz would be dead in moments, the second he revealed himself.

 

            “Fucking bastard.” Jesper said shakily. Kaz couldn’t breathe. Kaz couldn’t do anything. Pekka wasn’t bluffing. He’d shoot Khalid point blank the moment he tried to begin to rescue Inej, commotion or not, a bullet moved faster. Even if Jesper drew and shot now, killing Pekka, Khalid would be dead before Pekka hit the ground. Inej would watch Khalid die. Kaz knew, somewhere inside him, that she wouldn’t be able to live with it. Inej wouldn’t be the same.

Khalid was the brother to her soul, her best friend. Kaz would die before Jesper got shot, just as Inej would hang for a chance that Khalid would live. Kaz was man enough to admit it now.

 

            Inej. Inej. Inej. Inej.

 

            She couldn’t believe that Pekka would let Khalid live even if she swung from the gallows, could she? Kaz answered his own question in the next thought. No. Inej was going to be the commotion. She was relying on her death being Kaz’s window to save Khalid. Kaz saw it as he turned his eyes back to his avri. How she’d recognized him, he didn’t know, but her eyes did not leave his. No one would be able to follow her gaze directly in the crowd, but he knew. She was looking at him. Looking at him to do her bidding. To grant her death wish. Kaz was frozen. He couldn’t lose her.

 

            Kaz’s heart stopped, as Inej made a single motion, clumsy and unrefined with shackled hands, “I love you” in sign language. He’d made the same motion to her on the porch of her parent’s caravan. No.

 

            Kaz shook his head harshly, like a little boy refusing to go to bed.

 

            Inej made the sign again. This time, she turned her eyes to Khalid. Pekka was grinning, still. Inej’s eyes begged him, but Kaz couldn’t do it. How could she expect him to watch her die? He couldn’t. Kaz wouldn’t.

 

            Inej, treasure of my heart, please don’t make me do this.

 

            Kaz realized his eyes were watering as he looked between Inej and Khalid, the latter was shaking under a pistol held by the man who had killed Jordie. The man Kaz swore he’d undo. Brick by brick. This could not be how it ended. Kaz refused it.

 

            “Kaz. We need to do something.” Jesper whispered. Kaz was vaguely aware that the announcer was now reciting Inej’s supposed crimes from a packet of parchment as a guard stepped up and slipped the noose around Inej’s delicate neck.

 

            “We save her.” Kaz answered, already preparing to give Arman the signal.

 

            “No. Kaz. Listen. Listen to me. You told me that’s Inej’s best friend. You can’t make her live through that if she doesn’t want to. You think you’ll lose her if you don’t save her. But you’ll lose her if you don’t save that man. Not only that, she’ll never forgive you, Kaz. I wouldn’t. If it was me up there, and you under the eyes of a bullet, I’d beg Wy to save you. I would. I can fucking admit it Kaz. Save Khalid.” Jesper’s false eyes turned to Kaz and Kaz knew he was right.

 

Kaz still couldn’t move. Couldn’t… couldn’t fathom. No. He should be greedy. He couldn’t be with her. Never with her.

 

            Inej. Inej. Inej.

 

            He was Kaz Brekker. There had to be a way, a scheme, a way to get everyone out. He’d made a dead drüskelle a promise in his head.

 

            Just then, Kaz felt someone brush against his back. Kaz didn’t dare turn and give notice to himself, even if he thought the slight touch might make him scream.

 

            A whisper sounded just between his and Jesper’s shoulders.

 

            “Brekker, I’m going to need you to do what you do best. Improvise. Fast. On my count.” A woman’s voice came to Kaz that he didn’t entirely recognize, yet something tugged on his consciousness, a familiarity. Her voice was accented with fjerdan.

 

            “Who are you?” Jesper was the first to whisper urgently, still keeping his eyes on the stage. Just then, the announcer turned to the last page of supposed crimes committed by the captive Inej, the crowd was already cheering and shouting around them in anticipation.

 

            “Let’s just say this city is about to be crawling with the dead. Breathe through your nose, boys. I accept waffles as payment for my services.”

 

Zenik.

 

Chapter 82: Of Lions and Crows

Summary:

The show-down at the exchange. Death ascends and descends.

Notes:

Chapter 82!!!!!

AHH. Okay. Sorry, I know this one was late, too. I planned to have this one up yesterday, but I didn't edit it enough and I knew it and i wanted you guys to have quality rather than speed. I hope you understand! <3 Seriously though, this is maybe the second hardest chapter I've written, so many people and things to keep track of. I hope it lives up to hopes, and I hope it makes you feel things. I have waited so long to get here in the grand scheme of this story and to be here finally... it's unreal. I'm so happy.

Also, you'll notice I've diverged from canon with Nina. I've now read KoS and RoW, and I adored them, seriously, but I always had ideas for Nina's future, the same way I did with all of the Crows, so I decided to go with it. I really hope you love it still, and I know it might disappoint some of you, but I also know RoW has already led to this story diverting, so I hope you understand and are still excited for my take on our Waffle Queen's life after Crooked Kingdom. <333

AS ALWAYS, thank you. Thank you for everything. For reading this story, for leaving kudos, for bookmarking, for any drop of support. Your comments literally fuel me and I feel like I'm friends with each of you who love these characters as much as i do. I know i'm late getting back etc, but I want you all to know how much I appreciate it. (aka I'm a sap and Kaz Brekker would kill me lolol)

ALSO, S&B was binged. I have a lot of feelings, mainly positive, though. I'd love to chat with you guys down in the comments but I also don't want to spoil for anyone so if you say something, please put a warning for other readers! <333 I'd love to share thoughts and have convos. Also, if you guys want to talk about it elsewhere, feel free to find me on tumblr, @ravenyenn19, same as here. <33

I'll shut the helvar up now. (See what i did there? I'm so gosh darn clever.)

"I'm A Wanted Man." by Royal Deluxe (TOWARD THE END. Start it like 3/4 of the way down, or after the gunshot. You'll see what I mean)

KAZ

 

            “I’m going to move away, and you two are going to blend the best you can while I’m speaking. I know you had a plan, Brekker. Don’t put it into motion until I say the word “Privateer”. I’ve got to get the suli boy out of the way of that bullet first. You focus on getting closer to the front and Inej.” Nina’s whispered words carried to Kaz, he chanced turning his head slightly, but only caught a glimpse of blonde hair and a dark wool hood and cloak. Nina was either disguised or tailored, good.

 

            Kaz and Jesper shared a look through false colored eyes, not quite of relief, but of hope. Hope for Inej. Hope for Khalid. Kaz trusted Nina Zenik enough to let the reins fall to her corpse-wielding hands for now. It was something he once never thought he’d be able to do. To trust. He had to now, for Inej. Nina had taken jurda parem for them all, Kaz had never forgotten it.

 

            Kaz didn’t know how Nina had gotten here, why she was here, but he found himself thanking a dead drüskelle anyways.

 

            So now you choose to listen, fjerdan. If you sent Nina, you have my gratitude. If you’re truly out there, tell Djel I want you on my crew in the after-life. I’ll fight the God bare-handed if I have to. My ghost will associate with your ghost.

 

            “Let’s move, slowly.” Kaz whispered lowly to Jesper. The zemini nodded, his strangely tailored eyes glinting iron in the sun, even through the dye of blue. Kaz and Jesper began to shift through the crowd, as if to get a better view, just as the announcer concluded his list of accusations against Captain Inej Ghafa. Thankfully, they weren’t the only members of the crowd to try and catch a front-row seat. They blended.

 

            Kaz let his eyes fall to Inej once more. Now, her hands were clasped. Her eyes were on the sky, her chin lifted in defiance. Kaz caught the motion of her lips. Inej was praying. Inej was making her peace with death.

 

            No. I’m coming for you, mera nadra. We’re all coming for you.

 

            “I could make the shot on Pekka from here, Kaz.” Jesper whispered as they neared the platform housing Inej and the rope destined to drag her to the next world.

 

            “No.” Kaz insisted. Nina had said she’d move Khalid. Kaz didn’t know how, but he wouldn’t risk the flame-eater’s life unnecessarily.

 

            “He’s yours to kill, isn’t he?” Jesper surprised Kaz.

 

            “No. But I’ll do it for my brother.” Kaz answered, searching the crowd for Zenik, keeping his head low. Kaz couldn’t be bothered to care how honest he’d been. Inej came first. His living family came first, but Kaz hadn’t forgotten about his dead one. Jordie.

 

            I’ll get him if I can, Jordie. I will. But life pertains to the living. Inej has to be first, now. Jesper has to be first, now. Wylan. Rahul. Khalid. Nina. Specht. Even Rotty and Arman. They have to get out first, then we’ll start knocking bricks.

 

            “I’m not leaving this square without you, Kaz. So if you go after him, so do I. If we die, I suppose the gorgeous Nina can bring our corpses back so Wy and ‘Nej can kill us again.” Jesper’s voice was unbreakable, even with the joke. Kaz let his eyes shift to the zemini for a moment and Jesper held his stare.

 

            Kaz nodded once, a concession. Pekka had faced two farm-boy brothers once, and won. Pekka would face two farm-boy brothers again when he lost.

 

            Kaz and Jesper froze when the announcer began to outfit the noose around Inej’s neck to sit tight.

 

            “Excuse me!” A loud and feminine voice called throughout the square of the Exchange.

 

            Jesper and Kaz both turned their heads to find a girl walking right up to the front of the stage, she had blonde hair, but her body was that of a bust made of marble. She had sparkling green eyes. The blonde was a simple tailor job; Nina hadn’t bothered with anything else. It was Nina Zenik in the flesh that had the eyes of the entire merchant council on her now. The crowd had hushed at the interruption. Ketterdam was predictable in its unpredictability, Kaz supposed.

 

            Kaz looked to Inej, her eyes were on Nina, silver tears streaked down her undernourished bronze cheeks, she still held her head high. Kaz didn’t know what Zenik was doing. She’d said she would get Khalid out of the way of Pekka’s warming trigger finger. Perhaps it was because she’d seen the announcer tighten Inej’s noose and grew concerned, so she’d veered course.

 

            Treasure, stay still. We’ll be there soon. You are the Wraith of Ketterdam, A Captain, and even more importantly, you are Inej Ghafa. You will walk away from this.

 

            “What is the meaning of this interruption?” The announcer bellowed to Nina as the former-heartrender sauntered forward on confident feet, cloak pulled tight to her body. The crowd parted for her. Nina now paused directly in front of the stage, perhaps only sixty paces from Kaz and Jesper.

 

            Kaz hazarded a look to Khalid. Pekka was frowning, the safety was flipped off of the gun in his hand. Khalid was still in danger.

 

            “My name is Mina Krum. I’m here on behalf of the Ravkan crown, as an emissary and ambassador to both Fjerda and Kerch.” Nina smiled a girlish thing, unfolding parchment from the pocket of her cloak; documents to verify her claim, Kaz assumed.

 

            “What does this have to do with the Ravkan crown? A simple hanging for piracy is no concern of Kings of Foreign lands.” Pekka was the one to shout to Nina, not letting his pistol slip even a fraction from its resting point at Khalid’s temple.

 

            Kaz took a step closer to Khalid and Pekka, only six bodies separated them. Pekka was a fool. There were no guards on his three. Jesper stepped with him, several moments later. Casually. No one paid them any mind.

 

            Kaz flicked his eyes over his shoulder, Arman was watching them intently from his stance by the entrance to the Exchange building. Waiting for Kaz’s signal. Kaz knew Specht was in the crowd, waiting to get Inej, Khalid, Wylan, and Rotty out of this square the moment a path was made and Inej was no longer bound by a knot tied by death.

 

            “Actually, Sir, it is.” Nina paused with a smile before continuing. “You see the woman you have in your archaic ropes; she is also a ravkan citizen. A Ravkan citizen protected by the crown and crest of Nikolai Lantsov. To hang her will be considered a peace-breaking crime. A declaration of war, if you will.” Nina finished with a twist of a gold hair around her fingers. Nina had dropped the fjerdan accent like a mask, slipping into a heavily ravkan tone. Kaz knew her real tone was neither, Nina Zenik loved languages, her true tone held only a slight ravkan accent, not heavy at all. Zenik was acting the part of Mina Krum.

 

            “Your King would not have known about this trial. Your King would not bother with a single citizen, especially a criminal. You have no right and if you truly are an ambassador, you are acting without orders!” Pekka bellowed, tightening his grip on the gun poised to kill Khalid. The crowd rustled in anticipation, cheers and whispers alike.

 

            Nina was un-phased as she took another step forward. “Actually, Moi Tsar did know of this impending trial. You docked, in Os Kervo, less than a fortnight ago. You took this girl from Ravkan soil. She was not aboard a ship in the sea as you claim. Her ship has been in the Ketterdam harbor this whole time. She has no other. Unlike Kerch, Ravkan sovereign’s keep track of the coming and goings in allof their cities. Not just the Capital.”

 

            “Is this true?” One of the Mercher’s Kaz recognized from the council spoke up from the line of men behind Pekka.

 

            Pekka shook his head. “No! This woman has committed heinous crimes against this country and its citizens. She deserves to hang for her crimes! Ghezen demands it, as does this city of prosperity!” Pekka yelled and cheers erupted from the crowd.

 

            “Holy fuck.” Jesper whispered and Kaz turned his eyes away from Pekka to look at Jesper. Jesper subtly used a single finger to point. Nina has making a symbol with her hands behind her back, the crowd unnoticing as they cheered. Grisha.

 

            “It was worth a shot, I suppose.” Nina smiled viciously. The merchers, even Pekka, tilted their heads in confusion.

 

            “A Privateer, that’s what she is, by the way, not a criminal.” Nina smiled once more as her hands touched behind her back. The small science.

 

            “That’s our que.” Kaz mumbled and flicked his gaze over his shoulder to Arman. He raised the umbrella he was leaning on beside him and flipped it over his shoulder, a gesture seemingly normal, a man simply getting comfortable. Arman understood, he reached for the switch on the flares in slow movements.

 

            Bright red fireworks blew from the roof of the exchange in quick succession. The crowd jumped into chaos. It was then, that Kaz saw it. Corpses crawling from the canal next to the square of the exchange.

 

            Some of bones.

 

            Some of rotted flesh.

 

            Some eaten by fish but still whole.

 

            Ketterdam was nothing if not profitable on the market of death, and Kaz was glad of it, now.

 

            “HANG HER!” Pekka bellowed in the midst of screams, some from the loudness of the flares erupting, some from the sight of the dead crawling onto cobblestones and raising in stiff and unnatural movements.

 

Nina held steady in the eye of the storm, a necromancer conductor in a rotten symphony.

 

            Kaz was already moving toward Khalid but froze when the hangman pulled the lever. The rope went taught. He screamed.

 

 

 

INEJ

 

            It worked. It worked. She could breathe, barely. The rope was tight, it hadn’t broken her neck, even as the noose jolted her up into the air. Inej swayed, the only thing between her and death was the bundle of fabric, Khalid’s ripped shirt and her own, she’d managed to fix to the back of her neck with the leather tie that had previously kept her braid. It kept the noose from tightening fully. Her stomach flipped as she swayed in the air, her feet seeking purchase that were only met with the fine smoke of flares that had gone off somewhere by the Exchange. Saints it hurt. She may be alive, but it would only last for so long before the rope tore through the padding of the fabric, the tension too much from her full body weight. Her neck stung, rope was digging and burning under her chin.

 

            She’d taken a gamble. A gamble that the hangman wouldn’t have bothered to move her long hair out of the way. A gamble that the back of her neck wouldn’t be exposed. She’d been right, Ketterdam was all about the theatrics. Her hanger had not been thorough, nor had he been an actual executioner. He’d been a man of the Merchant council who had leapt at the opportunity to be on stage. She’d also gambled that they planned to hang her.

 

            What Inej hadn’t expected, was for Pekka to take Khalid. Khalid. Her best friend.  She’d also gambled that her captors would want her to hang first, and that had been as far as she’d gotten. It would have provided a window, for Kaz to get Khalid out. She’d almost lost her nerve when they had first pulled Khalid up onto the stage before her. Then, true to Ketterdam dramatics, they had switched it up. Rather, Pekka fucking Rollins had switched it up. She’d begged Kaz to save Khalid with her eyes once Pekka pulled a gun on him. She’d known she’d found Kaz and Jesper in the crowd, even through their tailored disguises. She could find Kaz Brekker anywhere, it was how he carried himself. Her heart’s arrow had pointed her eyes directly to him.

 

            Inej heard commotion in the crowd. Nina. Nina was here. Inej wished she could smile through the barely-there breaths she managed in mid-air. Nina Zenik, her beloved, waffle-loving friend who raised the dead.

 

            Inej’s eyes were beginning to hurt, she couldn’t focus anywhere. Maybe she should act dead, let her eyes close. No. No if she gave in, if she gave up, death would come for her truly. Her air supply was lowering every second in the air. She kept swaying. Swaying like the sea. The sea. She missed the sea. She missed the way the moon looked in his reflection on the waves.

 

            Mera chaar. Kaz Elias Rietveld. Kaz Brekker. Dirtyhands. Inej would have taken one of his names. She would have, she didn’t care which.

 

Kaz, it’s getting dark again.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            Smoke, smoke in proud plumes swirled around Inej, she cracked an eye open, trying to ignore the dip of her own neck in the noose. She wouldn’t last long, her ribs cracked in a strangled cough. The noose tightened.

 

            She swore she heard her name being shouted from somewhere behind her. The smoke was drifting up from the cracks of wood from under the stage. Inej couldn’t breathe, couldn’t keep her eyes open. Death was embracing her, turning her lips to his.

           

            Then, she heard the rope around her neck being cut, the tightness lessening. She plummeted the few feet back to the ground of the stage, strangled breaths of sheer smoke scorched her lungs.

 

            “Come on, ‘Nej. We gotta get you out of the smoke!” Wylan Van Eck’s voice hit Inej’s ears in the haze between life and death. Life. Inej chose life. Her eyes opened to see the red-headed mercher leaning over her, behind him was only smoke.

 

            “Wy,” Inej croaked and then Wylan was ushering water from a canteen down her throat. Her throat burned from the noose and her head throbbed from the lack of oxygen.

 

            “The smoke was mine, I was under the stage, but we gotta move now. It’ll only conceal for a few minutes.” Wylan said urgently, wrapping an arm under her and forcing her to sit up. Inej didn’t know if she could walk, her limbs felt numb.

 

            “How long was I… up there?” Inej managed through grit teeth.

 

            “About a minute. I got up here as soon as I could when they pulled the lever. Executioner was dragged away by the dead. I thought we lost you until I saw your feet kick.” Wylan answered apologetically. She saw him run a hand through his hair, which she now noticed was wrong. Brown, not red. Her brain had simply ignored the wrongness because this was Wylan Van Eck, her friend.

 

            “Good. Nina Zenik is karma.” Inej tried to laugh and winced when her throat constricted, her voice sounded wrong. Raspy. Almost like Kaz’s permanent voice.

 

            “Come on!” A voice shouted from behind the stage, Inej turned her head to see Rotty, dressed in… kitchen clothes?

 

            “I don’t know if she can walk!” Wylan yelled back and Rotty was already barreling up the stairs to the stage through the smoke.

 

            “Sorry, Wraith, I’m going to have to carry you.” Rotty apologized, Inej didn’t have time to prepare before she was scooped up into his arms, jostled against the burly man’s chest as he ran down the steps of the stage.

 

            “Kaz?” Inej questioned.

 

            “He’s with Jes, we need to get out of the square!” Wylan answered as he trotted alongside her and Rotty.

 

            “I won’t leave without him. Put me down. Where’s Khalid?” Inej tried for stern in her meek and weakened voice.

 

            “I don’t know. Kaz was going for him I think; I couldn’t see much through the smoke.” Rotty was the one to answer her, making no move to comply with her request to be set down. Inej noticed they were nearing one of the exits to the Exchange.

 

No. Kaz. She wouldn’t leave without him. Nor without Khalid and Jesper. Nina. No.

 

            “PUT ME DOWN!” Inej yelled as best she could, struggling against Rotty’s strong frame. He sighed and set her down, thankfully, Wylan did not object. Wylan knew she would not leave the square. Inej swayed on her feet, her limbs only just regaining blood flow. She felt queasy and uneven, but she was standing.

 

If only she had her blades, then it would be over for Ketterdam’s merchant council. For Pekka. For anyone that stood between Inej and those she loved.

 

“Cap!” A voice yelled from her right. Inej turned to see Specht running toward them, Khalid in tow, her first-mate had his arm wrapped around Khalid’s waist, taking on most of his weight.

 

Inej had not expected Specht to be here, he was dressed in a Naval officer’s uniform. Kaz. Kaz her brilliant and lovely avri. He’d gotten Khalid out. Now where was he? Jesper? Nina?

 

Inej spotted Arman, the Dregs healer, only a few paces behind the two men. She could barely hear her own thoughts from the screams coming through the square, the smoke was thinning, she was beginning to be able to see back the way they’d come.

 

“Khalid!” Inej yelled as she ran forward, ignoring her limbs protests. She swayed but she made it to him.

 

“I’m okay, I’m okay.” Khalid mumbled, his face broken with both relief and pain. “I took a blow to the head back there, but thankfully it wasn’t from that asshole’s gun. Kaz smacked him with a Saint’s-damned umbrella.” Khalid tried to smile and Inej felt tears running down her cheeks.

 

Inej wanted to look at Khalid forever, but she needed to find the rest of them. Time to be a Captain.

 

“Specht, take him to the Van Eck mansion. Rotty, go with him. Arman, hide here in case we need you. Wylan, we’re going in. You’re with me, aren’t you?” Inej turned to the young mercher. Wylan let a grin unfold on his lips.

 

“Always.”

 

“Alright then. No mourners.” Inej said the words with as much confidence as she could muster.

 

“No funerals.” Specht, Rotty, and Arman all answered, already moving. Inej heard Khalid protest but she was already moving back toward the smoke, toward the show-off between corpse and stadwatch.

 

A Wraith was joining the war being waged between a Lion and a Crow.

 

 

KAZ

 

            “On your left!” Nina shouted as Kaz dodged a bullet from Pekka’s pistol. The man had gotten trapped by corpses under Nina’s control, and Specht had been the one to drag Khalid out of the middle of the Square. Somehow, the bastard, Rollins’, was free again and taking blind aim in the after-math of Wylan’s smoke bombs. Kaz couldn’t see through the smoke. He didn’t know if Inej was dead. She couldn’t be. He still felt her near. It wouldn’t be the same if it were her corpse.

 

            Jesper was beside him, prop beard torn off. Jesper was fighting off a stadwatch grunt three times his size. The fucking smoke. Kaz’s bad limb was protesting his every movement. He’d heard the Merchant council shout for arrest the moment the rope had gone tight around Inej’s throat and Kaz had screamed. He hadn’t been able to stop it. He hadn’t been able to keep his cover. Pekka had pointed to him and Jesper in the single moment before the Exchange was under heavy smoke cover. The stadwatch had seen. Kaz heard the shot of Jesper’s small pistol. He’d never wished more that the Zemini had his revolvers.

 

            “Got you!” Nina shouted through the rapidly receding haze. Kaz turned to see Jesper drenched in blood, a stadwatch guard bleeding from a point-blank shot to the head on the ground.

 

            “Got who, gorgeous?” Jesper shouted to the grisha.

 

            “See for yourselves.” Nina cooed as she turned to them, Kaz turned around. Corpses were dragging Pekka by the arms, he was shouting and cursing up a storm.

 

Kaz saw it in slow motion as Pekka managed to shake off a skeletal arm, his hand moving fast to the spare revolver on his belt. He drew with his finger on the trigger, arm pointed to Kaz.

 

Kaz began to duck, but the bullet was faster. He heard the shot.

 

            Kaz looked down, expecting to feel pain, to see the blood. There was none. Instead, Pekka howled in pain, the shoulder of his shirt turning a violent crimson. Pekka hadn’t been the one to shoot. Kaz turned to Jesper and saw the Zemini shake his head. Jesper hadn’t been the one to shoot, either.

 

            Kaz, Jesper, and Nina all turned over their shoulders to see Wylan Van Eck, wielding a Zemini revolver, the barrel was still smoking.

 

            “I’ve never been more attracted to you.” Jesper uttered, mouth agape. Kaz’s eyes widened.

 

            “Lucky you taught me how to shoot.” Wylan smiled, a blush breaking over his cheeks.

 

            “Later.” Kaz growled as he turned his head back to Pekka. He wanted to ask Wylan about Inej. He couldn’t. Not now. Now, the rough work would be done. For his girl. For his brother. If Inej was truly gone, Kaz would rip the world apart. Nothing would stop him.

 

            “What are you going to do, Brekker? Kill me? I’m in the pocket of the Council now. It’ll only end up with you hanging from the noose, just like that pretty little bitch of yours.” Pekka grit his teeth. Kaz wished they both were wearing their true faces. Kaz wanted to see the red-headed Jakob Hertzoon of his memories. He wanted to make Kaz Brekker the last thing the lazy Lion saw in this world.

 

            Pekka’s eyes went wide, all of the sudden. Fear brandished the man’s brow as Kaz watched. Kaz didn’t know why, he hadn’t even moved closer. He realized Pekka wasn’t looking at him, he followed Pekka’s gaze over his own shoulder.

 

            “Honey, I’m home.” Inej was standing just in front of Wylan, Nina and Jesper were frozen beside her. Kaz’s stomach flipped, his heart picked up in an erratic tattoo. Mera nadra.

 

            Inej. Inej. Inej. Inej.

 

            “I just watched you hang!” Pekka bellowed, shaking in his corpse jailors hold, a skeleton with an iron grip and a man bloated with death but not yet rotten. The latter’s eyes were black from Nina’s hold of power.

 

            “Looks like you should have been more thorough.” Inej sauntered forward. Kaz noticed the slight sway to her steps. Arman would need to look at her. Right away. Her lips were tinged blue, her skin pale. Her eyes were black, but not that of the Corpse-witch behind them. Inej was hunting. Hunting like an animal on the scent of her prey. Kaz was not opposed to sharing the weak, injured, creature he had in his sights. Pekka shouldn’t have separated from the pack. Or maybe his pack had abandoned him; it didn’t matter. Predator’s sought opportunity.

 

            “No, she brought you back! You fucking Witch!” Pekka squinted his eyes to Nina.

 

            “No, Doll, I didn’t. It would be better for you if I had, I’m not nearly as creative a murderer as these two.” Nina gestured to Inej and Kaz with a brilliant grin. Inej was standing beside him now. Kaz wanted to drop to one knee. He wanted to kiss her until he passed out.

 

            Kaz met her eyes, just once. The words were all there, for only them to understand. Words shown in eyes alone. Welcome home, their look said.

 

            “Go back.” Nina whispered from behind them. All at once, corpses of every stage of decay dropped their march through the square and turned promptly back to the canals surrounding the Exchange. Their gaits were unusual and inhuman. Kaz saw Stadwatch officers, Merchers, and citizens alike all ushering out of the square with terror in their eyes. Moments later, the only corpses left were the ones holding Pekka captive. Pekka, who was bleeding profusely and cursing just as much. Kaz had tuned him out. This would not be the place of revenge; that would be private and complete.

 

            “What is the meaning of this?” a booming voice bellowed through the near abandoned square, now. Kaz and Inej both turned their eyes to find three of the members of the merchant council, along with a troop of Stadwatch guards, six, to be precise. Kaz straightened himself and brushed a hand over the lapel of his coat.

 

            “Do you care?” Jesper was the one to voice the words, his fingers tapping anxiously.

 

            “You’re still under arrest.” A mercher Kaz recognized as a man in the Jurda business, by the name of Herin, was the one to speak. He pointed a pale chubby finger toward Inej, the guards stepped forward.

 

            “Wouldn’t do that.” Nina dropped the cloak she’d been wearing as she stepped forward, revealing a kefta in a deeper crimson than that of the corporalnik’s, it was the color of blood, Kaz realized. The embroidery, as well as the fur lining, was onyx. Keftas were bullet proof. He heard Inej gasp from beside him. Nina was wearing true grisha made armor, armor of the second army of Ravka. Kaz didn’t know how much of her story to the merchers earlier had been true, but clearly she’d been indoctrinated back into the Ravkan ranks.

 

            “Step back, Corpsewitch. I’ve heard of you. This is not your business.” The mercher growled and Pekka began to shout. Nina turned her head and gave a silent command to her soldiers. The mostly undecomposed corpse raised its arm and slammed it into Pekka’s head. Rollins was unconscious before he even knew what was happening.  Kaz was grateful for it, he was tired of the man’s blubbering.

 

            “Actually, if you take another step, it will be my business.” Nina smiled sweetly, poison dripping from her lips. Maybe Kaz had missed her, too. Just a little bit.

 

            “Kaz Brekker.” Another mercher stepped forward and looked directly to Kaz. Kaz knew they’d recognized him now, even through the tailoring disguise. He had Pekka to thank for that, since he’d pointed him out earlier. It didn’t help that he was shifting his weight off his bad leg.

 

            “Yes?” Kaz answered with a roll of his eyes.

 

            “You’re under arrest, too.”

 

            “Oh, am I?” Kaz let a grim chuckle escape his lips.

 

            “I’m not who you think I am.” Inej spoke, her voice still rasped.

 

            “Oh really? You’re not the spy of the Dregs, nor a Captain of the Sea who sinks innocent ships?” Herrin spoke with furrowed brows.

 

            “Didn’t say that. I meant I do not sink trade vessels bound for Kerch, and especially not innocent ships. But, that’s neither here nor there. I’ll tell you what though, I won’t tell the Ravkan King that you hung me. I won’t send war to your harbors or death to your countrymen. I’ll also ask Nina here to not make you part of her… special army. As an added bonus, I’ll let you live. You clearly know my reputation, would you rather have to explain to your wives and children why you have to search their bedrooms every night for the rest of your lives, or walk away from this square alive and well, and let this single man be served his due karma elsewhere?” Inej smiled at the end of her speech. Kaz’s jaw was agape, he saw Wylan’s eyebrows raise. Jesper released a low whistle. Nina looked like she’d been shown the Sun Summoner, awe surrounding her green irises.

 

Captain Inej Ghafa was giving Kaz Brekker a run for his money in terrifying threats. He could add to it.

 

            “To add on to the lovely Captain’s speech, say you aren’t successful in attempting to arrest me. Say I walk out of here. What’s most precious to you? I can steal anything I want. I can break a man’s spirit from the anticipation of my strike alone. I can take your money, your reputation, your art and your peace of mind. You’ll search your homes for a Wraith, but you might find me in your search instead. It was a trick question, gentlemen, the most valuable thing to any man, is their lives. I can steal that, too.” Kaz smirked.

 

            The mercher’s faces paled. He heard Wylan release the safety on Jesper’s revolver. Jesper had his fingers on the pistol at his side. Nina whistled. Kaz let his eyes shift to her, confused.

 

            Just then, a white spot appeared from around the corner of the gallows stage behind them.

 

            A white wolf with a scarred muzzle pranced to Nina’s side, sitting down without command from its master. Kaz heard Inej take a deep breath when she saw the animal. It was beautiful, piercing blue eyes reminiscent of the fjords of the North and snow whiter than Winter Himself.

 

            Kaz figured Inej’s own thoughts mirrored his.

 

            Six of them stood here, just as six of them had in the beginning. It felt… right.

 

            The wolf let out a low growl when Herrin shifted his weight on uneasy feet.

 

            “Very well.” Herrin muttered in unison with the rest of the Merchers present. Kaz saw the men jump backward when a bloated hand stuck out from the canal behind them, splashing the otherwise smooth water.

 

            That had been all it took. The stadwatch guards abandoned ship, turning on their heels and walking briskly toward the nearest exit of the Exchange, weapons at the ready and eyes locked on escape. The Merchers followed suit, only Herrin paused with a look to each of them, their crew of misfits.

 

            Kaz grinned crookedly. Inej wiggled her fingers in a menacing wave. Nina flipped her hair over her shoulder. Wylan toyed with the revolver in his fingers. Jesper winked.

 

            Kaz had never been more proud of this crew. The six of them in impossible circumstances was when they worked best. When Kaz felt he was his best. No, Kaz thought, he was his best with these people, no matter where they were. Kaz felt Inej’s knuckles brush against his through his glove. He reached and entwined their fingers easily, his heart thumping in eager familiarity.

 

            Inej was safe. Inej was beside him once more.

 

            “Khalid?” Jes questioned as they all watched the Merchers disappear through the stone archway of the Exchange, Herrin moving in angry stomps. Kaz knew he’d seek revenge, Kaz couldn’t care less. Let them come.

 

            “Specht and Rotty took him to the house to meet Rahul.” Inej answered through a cough. Kaz saw it now, her show of strength was fading. Inej was swaying slightly.

 

            “Did you see Arman on your way back over here?” Kaz asked now to anyone who could answer.

 

            “Arman!” Wylan answered instead when he spotted the Dregs healer trotting toward them, clearly he’d been in hiding. A gifted healer he might be, but a good fighter? Kaz knew he could hold his own, barely. It was better Arman had stayed out of harm’s way. They needed him, now.

 

            Kaz wrapped an arm around Inej’s waist just as she began to fall, catching her as she went limp. She was losing her fight with consciousness.

 

            “Inej!” Nina shouted. The wolf beside huffed a breath.

 

            “Happy, see you, Neens.” Inej mumbled as she lost consciousness in Kaz’s arms.

 

            “Look at her, now!” Kaz growled to Arman as he approached. She had to be okay, she had to.

 

            Kaz lowered himself to the ground, cradling Inej’s head in his lap and disregarding his leg’s protest.

 

            Arman knelt immediately, hovering his hands above Inej. Arman closed his eyes as he evaluated the Wraith’s body with his small science.

 

            “She’s still got something in her veins, a knockout drug. They were dosing her heavily. Nothing with serious effects, her heart rate is still steady. It’s only residual drugs, mixed with dehydration and undernourishment. The hanging didn’t do her blood flow any good either; now, the residual drugs are pumping through her veins as her body tries to recover from the trauma inflicted. She just needs rest, water, and food. For now, I’ll decrease the swelling on her neck, but I don’t want to work on her more until she’s had the first three things.” The healer conveyed to their huddled group.

 

            “Healer,” Nina muttered under her breath with a small smile. Kaz had forgotten the Corpsewitch had not met the Dregs house grisha.

 

            Kaz only nodded as he brushed a strand of Inej’s long hair out of her face.

 

            “What do we do with him?” Jesper questioned with a point of a thumb back to Pekka and the dead guards.

 

            “Can you make sure Rollins stays out for twenty-four bells?” Kaz asked Arman. He wanted to be focused for the brand of violence he was going to inflict on Pekka; Kaz knew wouldn’t be until he had time, time with Inej. Time to plan. Time to just fucking breathe.

 

            “I can put him in a coma and wake him in twenty-four bells if you want.” Arman answered with a nod, he ran a hand through his dark hair.

 

            “Do it.” Jesper issued the command and ignored Kaz’s glare entirely.

 

            “We have more important things to do, Kaz. We’ll get him tomorrow.” The sharpshooter whispered lowly. Kaz knew he was right.

 

            “We can bring him to the house. We’ll lock him in the shed. No gardeners in the winter to find him, and it’s warm enough he won’t freeze tonight.” Wylan suggested.

 

            “Fine.” Kaz replied, not lifting his eyes from Inej in his lap.

 

            “We need to get her to the house, can you carry her, Arman?” Kaz asked even as his instincts railed at the thought of anyone besides him touching Inej right now. But Kaz needed to smuggle Rollins back to the house, too. Inej needed to be with the healer.

 

            “Of course.” Arman nodded.

 

            “Nina, love, can you send your… friends, back to… uh, hell?” Jesper asked with a smile and Nina beamed as she uttered the command to the corpses. Pekka hit the cobblestones in a satisfying lump.

 

            “Reunions later, but good to have you back, Zenik.” Kaz looked up to the grisha from the ground. Her eyebrows raised at his greeting, clearly she was surprised. Kaz knew why. He had never bothered with sentimentality, but today, he did.

 

            “We can lug him.” Wylan said with a gesture to himself and Jesper, eyes meaningfully turned on Pekka’s bulky frame.

 

            “I will walk with you, in case there’s any stadwatch who didn’t get the memo that we’re innocent.” Kaz’s lips quirked up and Jesper barked a laugh.

 

            “Innocent. I’d dare say not a damn person here is, but it’s nice to pretend.” Jesper chuckled.

 

            “I’ll walk with… Arman was it? And Inej.” Nina said.

 

            “Pleasure to meet you.” Arman smiled to the Corpsewitch and Nina nodded with a grin of her own. Kaz saw clear respect there, from one grisha to another. Jesper looked away from the exchange, even though he was also a part of that world. Kaz made a note to mention Jesper’s own talents to him, at some point. He didn’t know why, but he wanted to check in. Jesper had made no move to train his abilities further.

 

            “Can I stay with you guys, by the way?” Nina smiled as she looked to Jes and Wylan.

 

            “Of course.” The two men said in unison.

 

            “Wait, can Trassel come?” Nina dropped a hand to scratch the wolf behind the ears, the animal looked up and ran its tongue over its nose in anticipation of more affection.

 

            “Is he house broken?” Jesper queried with a falsely skeptical brow, his iron eyes shined with mischief.

 

            “First of all, he is a she, and second, I’ll house break her when you are, Jesper Fahey.” Nina quipped, earning a boisterous laugh from Wylan. Jesper rolled his eyes, but a grin unfolded on the Zemini’s mouth.

 

            “Of course she can come.” Wylan managed through his laughter.

 

            Kaz helped raise Inej into Arman’s arms, already feeling the loss. He didn’t bother to hide his gentle squeeze of her slack hand before he let her go. He’d be with her soon. They would have time. He’d made sure of it. They all had.

 

            “Well, Zenik, if your wolf is house broken, she’s already got a step up against the last fjerdan you brought home.” Kaz threw the grisha a grin, hoping she’d know it was in good fun. If he was wrong, well he wouldn’t know what to do.

 

            Nina paused for only a moment before she broke out in giggles so hard that her green eyes began to water.

 

            “I knew there was a reason I missed even you, Brekker,” Nina managed with a brilliant smile and laugh-flushed cheeks.

 

            They were all supposed to make it, and this time, they had.

           

 

           

 

Chapter 83: Life's Promise

Summary:

Inej awakens. A reunion.

Notes:

Chapter 83!!!

AHHHH. So this one is a little slower after the past few chapters, but I think you'll be happy with the reasons why. <3 I wanted this up a few hours ago but my internet wasn't cooperating so I took some time to edit further and I'm glad I did, I hope you all love it. I'm literally so excited for the next few, you have no idea. <333

ALSO. THIS STORY MADE 40K hits. I can't... you guys. I can't wrap my mind around it. Seriously. Thank you so so much. It's literally mind boggling and I can't even properly express my gratitude. I love you all.

As always, leave a comment with what you think/feel! I want to know what you are all excited for/hoping for in the next few chapters!! I can't wait. I know I'm late getting back and when I looked at my inbox today I was shocked to see almost 100 new comments, I promise you guys, I will always respond! Even if I'm slower than Kaz and opening up about emotions. <3 Each of your comments puts a smile on my face and I just want you all to know that.

"Never Let Me Go" by Florence + The Machine (Kanej reunion, you'll see what I mean) PS- I've saved this song for so long. Ahhhhh.

           

KAZ

 

            They’d deposited Pekka into the shed at the Van Eck estate without incident, and Kaz had reinforced the door with locks he’d found in the Boathouse nearby. Thankfully, there were no windows, nor was the door coming down even if Pekka did stir, thanks to Jesper’s manipulation of two shovels and a metal rake. The zemini Zowa had essentially turned the door to the shed into a bank vault thickness with the used metal. Kaz knew it had taken an enormous effort, and the sight had been something to behold. Wylan had stood slack-jawed beside him under the afternoon raindrops as they watched Jesper break a sweat and bend metal to his will without touching his hands to it at all. Kaz also knew that if Jesper actually trained, this feat would be much easier. He reminded himself once more to bring it up with Jesper, privately. While Kaz himself could benefit from Jesper’s talent on jobs with the Dregs, that was not why he intended to bring it up.

 

            Kaz realized his only motivation was to help his friend, his brother. Not to profit at all.

 

            “It’s secure. We’ll take turns checking it tonight, though.” Kaz sighed as he tested his weight against the door to the shed.

 

            “Ready to go in?” Wylan asked and Jesper nodded as he wiped either sweat or rain from his brow, Kaz couldn’t tell which.

 

            Inej. Inej. Inej was in there. The thirty minutes since he’d last seen her disappear in Arman’s arms had been its own brand of torture. Kaz hadn’t wanted to let her out of his sight, even though he knew if Inej had been awake, she’d have told him to go to hell with his protectiveness. He loved her more for it.

 

            Kaz didn’t bother to say anything as he limped straight for the side of the mansion so he could walk through the front door. He needed to know Inej was still stable. She’d hung from a noose today. Inej had… literally, slipped the noose and slapped Death across the face into humbleness. He wanted to know how she’d done it. How the noose hadn’t broken her neck. How she’d stayed in this world with him. Kaz had so many questions that it unnerved him.

 

            He still wanted to know how her outfit had changed in Khalid’s flames, the last night he’d seen her in Ravka, when she’d portrayed Lady Spring on the wire. It was a magic trick he needed to understand. But, he’d settle for hearing her heart beat. For seeing her smile. Those few minutes laced in vengeance in front of the Exchange had not been nearly enough. Kaz felt greedy and full of want. Want for simplicity, want for the flutter of her eyelashes and the way she bit her lip when she was in thought. He wanted a kiss.

 

            Kaz heard Wylan and Jesper catch up with him as he opened the mahogany door of the Van Eck estate, clearly Nina and Arman had left it unlocked. Rahul, Khalid, Specht and all of the servants had all been here, too. Marya as well, Kaz supposed; though he’d not seen her since his return to Ketterdam. Kaz didn’t care right now. He wanted to see Inej, even unconscious. He also found himself needing assurance of Khalid’s well-being. Rahul, too.

 

            Only after these things were done, would Kaz care about anything else. He’d have Arman remove his tailoring job. He’d send word to Anika with Rotty. He’d supply Nina Zenik with every waffle in city limits to thank her for helping save Inej. He’d find out how she’d gotten here, why she was here. He’d do everything later. Inej came first.

 

            Kaz’s face was blasted with comfortable heat as he entered the foyer of the house, the feeling pleasant after the coolness of the rain outside. His leg thanked him when the first thing he did was reach for his cane, which he’d left in the umbrella stand by the front door when they’d left for the Exchange. Kaz turned his head to find Rotty sitting on one of the plush velvet armchairs in front of the hearth of the living room, the fire blazed in the dim afternoon light.

 

            “Boss!” Rotty stood immediately, still in his own disguise from the hanging.

 

            “Where is she?” Kaz rasped, unable to feign anything but blatant concern for his wraith.

 

            “Upstairs, with Nina and Arman. Specht is taking a puff of his pipe out back on the terrace. The other two… sorry, I er- I forgot their names. The suli men, they’re upstairs too. Different room I think. Arman saw to the one we rescued after he got Inej settled. They’ve only been back about fifteen minutes, I’d reckon.” Rotty said.

 

            “Good.” Kaz said as he began his march toward the staircase, knowing Jesper and Wylan would follow. He saw them hanging their coats on the stand by the door in the foyer.

 

            Something made Kaz pause, as he touched his hand to the wood bannister at the bottom of the staircase. Kaz didn’t know why he did it. Maybe it was Inej being alive upstairs, maybe it was growth. Kaz couldn’t be bothered to reflect on it as he turned his head just slightly over his shoulder.

 

            “Thank you, Rotty.” Kaz whispered before he began the climb to the girl born of the sky. He didn’t need to see the surprise. He said “thank-you” far less than he said “please” with the Dregs. He knew it. But something inside him had demanded the gratitude for the loyalty Rotty had held for himself and the Dregs, for far longer than today.

           

            Kaz limped down the hall, thankful for his faithful walking-stick back in his hand where it belonged. He heard Jesper and Wylan trotting up the staircase behind him. Kaz paused in front of Inej’s door, he didn’t think he’d need to knock, but he paused with a deep breath as he turned the handle. Inej had to be okay. Just like when she’d been shot, there was no other option.

 

            Kaz opened the door to Inej’s pale blue bedroom, he saw a lamp had been lit on her bedside table to brighten the dimness of the afternoon storm light that filtered through the sheer curtains on the window. Nina paused mid-conversation with Arman as she sat at Inej’s side, her pale hand was wrapped gently around Inej’s bronze one. Arman was standing near the window, monitoring Inej with his eyes. They both looked to Kaz in the doorway.

 

            Inej. Inej was still unconscious, Kaz noticed the deep rise and fall of her chest under a gray blanket that had been put over her frame. He could tell she still wore her outfit that she’d been captured in, he could spy the collar of her torn shirt just above the line of the blanket.

 

            Her neck… her neck. It was swollen and raw. A deep line of blackened flesh marred her skin, skin he’d kissed too many times to count now. The wound within the bruise was serrated and clotted, not deep, but more like a burn. Rope burn. Kaz noticed dried blood flecks along her collar bones. Kaz wanted to walk back outside and shoot Pekka point blank, even while he was in a coma. Kaz wouldn’t. He wouldn’t because he needed Inej to wake, first. Needed her near.

 

            “Kaz.” Nina tried to smile while he stood completely frozen.

 

            “Go.” A whisper belonging to Jesper hit Kaz’s ears from behind him. Kaz took a step forward but paused when a low growl came from his left near Inej’s wardrobe. Kaz hadn’t noticed Nina’s companion.

 

            The white wolf lifted her head from her paws as Kaz had neared Nina and Inej. Kaz let his eyes meet the wolf’s from across the room, willing the animal to trust him.

 

            “Trassel.” Nina said lowly, adding something in fjerdan that sounded like a command. The wolf listened and then laid her head back to the floor, content to track Kaz with only her eyes as he moved forward. She ignored Jesper and Wylan, as well.

 

            “How is she?” Kaz rasped to Arman as he stepped to the side of the bed opposite Nina. Jesper and Wylan stepped to stand at the foot of the bed.

 

            “She’s stable, I’ve flushed most of the remaining drugs out of her system once I was able to get her to drink a little bit when we arrived, though she wasn’t conscious and I didn’t want to wake her. I’ve been keeping her under, for now, until… well, until you got here, boss. I didn’t want to make her feel more pain than necessary. If you wish, I can try and wake her to see if she wants the neck healed now or later. But, even if I’m not slowing her heartbeat into rest, she may still sleep. Her body may tell us what it needs without any use of my power.”

 

            Kaz ignored Nina’s raised eyebrows at Arman’s regard for Kaz making the decisions in regards to Inej’s health when she was unable. The grisha missed quite a lot indeed, since she’d left Ketterdam a year and a half prior. Despite every instinct in Kaz’s body begging him to ask Arman to attempt to wake Inej, Kaz knew she needed rest more than he needed comfort.

 

            “No. We let her wake up on her own.” Kaz grumbled and eased himself down onto the mattress to sit beside Inej.

 

            “Alright. If you don’t mind, I’d like to check on Khalid. He had a nasty blow to the head that I’m sure you saw happen. I need to evaluate him further to make sure I missed no concussion. I’ll be just down the hall if you need me, after that I’ll be downstairs with Rotty.” Arman straightened himself and Kaz nodded once. He wanted Arman and his healing capabilities close by, but he was grateful when the door of Inej’s bedroom clicked shut and only himself and his most trusted circle remained near Inej. That and a rather beautiful wolf. Kaz liked dogs, always had. He’d like to meet the animal properly, if he was honest.

 

            Kaz turned to Inej, poised to brush her hair back. He stopped himself, remembering his own internal vow to practice as much as possible. Kaz flicked his eyes to the door, it was unlocked. Kaz didn’t want… he didn’t want one of the other members of the Dregs in the house to walk in and see…

 

            Wylan must have seen where Kaz’s eyes had gone, because the merchling moved to the door and flicked the lock in place without question. Kaz was grateful, even though he knew Wylan didn’t know why he wanted the door locked. Kaz looked to his gloved hands.

 

            He tore the gloves from his hands in smooth motions, he heard Nina’s breath hitch but she said nothing. None of them did.

 

            Kaz reached and brushed a strand of Inej’s hair back, careful not to disturb her slumber.

 

            “She’ll be alright.” Nina said quietly. Kaz heard confirmation come from Wylan’s lips.

 

            “Of course she will be. She’d miss me too much in the realm of Saints where I could never follow.” Jesper quipped and Kaz felt his lips quirk up even with his back turned to Jesper.

 

            “No, she’ll live for me. She promised me waffles when we reunited.” Nina sighed almost dreamily.

 

            “I’d like to toss my hat into the ring, I’m the one who blows up houses for her and makes cannonball-amplifying gunpowder for her ship.” Wylan chuckled.

 

            Kaz felt eyes on him. He could easily shrug or make a joke. He couldn’t. Even if he felt immensely better, watching the rise and fall of Inej’s chest, he’d still spent a week unconvinced of her safety. He’d almost lost her, again. This time, it had been his enemy that had almost taken her from him.

 

Pekka fucking Rollins.

 

            “She’ll live for the innocent people she saves. For all of us who don’t deserve her.” Kaz whispered, not letting his eyes leave Inej for even a moment.

 

            “Some things have changed since I’ve been away, I think.” Nina said, he turned his head finally to spy the grisha wearing a soft smile, her eyes alluding to the fact that he was next to Inej, this time. Unlike the ferolind when the former heartrender had saved Inej’s life. Kaz hated himself for that, now. He should have been man enough to check on her. To not spend two days finding an excuse to even speak to her. Then again, Kaz thought, he’d been trying his best, back then. Seventeen-year-old Kaz had never dreamed he’d be here, now.

 

How could he hate the process when he could do something so simple and yet so profound as brush Inej’s hair out of her face, bare handed? Their story was what made them, well, them. Kaz wouldn’t change a thing.

 

            “Oof. So many things have changed, Nina darling. For one, I got even better looking, which I’m sure you noticed. For two, Wylan likes me well enough to spend every day with me. Can you believe it?” Jesper chirped and Kaz was internally grateful for the change of attention. Nina was right, many things had changed, and she seemingly did not get a chance to receive Inej’s letters, or if she had, she didn’t let on.

 

            Wylan socked Jesper in the arm with a laugh and Nina laughed as she watched their two friends, her hand still holding Inej’s.

 

            “She’s got to be uncomfortable in those clothes. They’re filthy. I assume she lives here? Does she have things here? I can try and change her clothes without disturbing her.” Nina mumbled as she looked over Inej’s body and turned with a glance to the wardrobe by the lounging Trassel.

 

            “Uh, she might have a few things. She stays here rarely on land, now.” Wylan said with a pointed look to Kaz, clearly unsure what exactly to say.

 

            “Where else does she live? I heard she has a ship now, but you’re telling me she doesn’t stay on land when at port?” Nina gaped.

 

            “She lives at the Slat.” Kaz responded grudgingly; it was not because he had any qualm sharing the information with Nina, he just knew Inej would want to tell her. Inej had missed Nina, immensely. Kaz knew it. He found himself wanting to let Inej tell her friend what had happened, these near two years of separation.

 

            “Oh. Well I suppose if she still works with the Dregs, that makes sense.” Nina nodded and Kaz sent Jesper a glare when he almost choked on laughter. Nina seemed oblivious as she eyed Inej with concern.

 

            “We should let her rest undisturbed for a few hours, then we’ll worry about it.” Kaz said decidedly. He knew he needed to eat something, he couldn’t remember when he’d last eaten. He hadn’t slept, either. Kaz would sleep when Inej woke up, or, rather, he’d sleep when he was certain and without a doubt that she’d returned to him.

 

            I’m here, mera nadra. Come back down from the sky, we’ll catch you.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            It had been about three hours since they’d all returned to the Van Eck mansion. Kaz had begrudgingly left Inej’s bedroom and left Arman to watch over her, just after the healer had removed his tailoring work from Kaz.

 

Soon after they’d returned, Wylan and Jesper had excused themselves to change and shower, as well as find Arman to get the tailoring removed. Nina had also left Kaz to watch Inej alone for a good hour, electing to settle into a guest room at the Van Eck Mansion and change out of her kefta. Kaz had sat in silence, watching Inej. Kaz knew Rahul and Khalid would want to see her as soon as possible as well, but Kaz suspected that Arman had made Khalid rest too, when no knocks sounded on Inej’s door.

 

            Now, Kaz was walking down the main steps of the mansion, to a living room full of people. He cursed himself as he leaned on the bannister, he’d left his cane next to Inej’s bed. His mind was beginning to fail him with his lack of sleep, sustenance, water, and Inej. Kaz took a deep breath when he reached the foyer of the house and spied the unlikely crowd of people gathered around the hearth in a room of rich furnishings made possible by Van Eck money.

 

            Nina. Wylan. Jesper. Trassel. Specht. Rotty. Rahul.

 

            No Khalid. No Inej. It wasn’t quite right, yet.

 

            “Rotty,” Kaz rasped in greeting and all the heads in the room turned to him.

 

            “Yes, boss?” Rotty set down a glass of amber liquid and stood from his seat on the sofa.

 

            “I wrote this; I need you to deliver it back to Anika at the Slat as soon as possible.” Kaz produced the letter he’d written at Inej’s vanity table from his pocket. It would inform his lieutenant to not expect his official “arrival” back in the barrel until the following night at the earliest, the day after at the latest.

 

            “Got it.” Rotty stepped forward and pocketed the note.

 

            “Let us know if you need us to do anything. I know Anika is ready for you to come back.” Rotty nodded, eyes light.

 

            Kaz managed a nod and Rotty turned and waved to everyone in the room before slipping on his coat and making his way out of the house, on a mission to return to the barrel.

 

            “Specht, how is the ship? Nothing’s been targeted?” Kaz said now, turning his eyes across the room to Inej’s first-mate, leaning against the wall nursing a glass of spirits.

 

            “All good. I left earlier to make sure. Is she… is she stable?” Specht coughed, trying to cover his concern for Inej, his captain. Kaz knew Specht viewed Inej like a daughter, he’d told Kaz as much once.

 

            “She’s just sleeping. She’s getting better by the moment, according to Arman.” Kaz answered briskly.

 

            Specht nodded and added some words of parting with a promise to return to see Inej the following morning. Kaz inclined his head as the burly man passed and headed in the same direction Rotty had.

 

            Kaz let his eyes flick to the clock above the mantle of the fireplace. Six bells in the evening, the sun was going down. The day had felt like a month.

 

            “Who’s with her?” Rahul spoke up from his spot in an armchair, his skin glowed in firelight, just like Inej’s.

 

            “Arman. He’s checking on Inej and then he’s going to make a final check on Khalid, is he resting well?” Kaz managed despite the instinct to remain invulnerable, even in this room of thieves he could trust never to fence his secrets.

 

            “He is, protested sleep like hell but went out like a light. I only came down because he kept snoring.” Rahul chuckled and Kaz felt his lips quirk up.

 

            “Has Inej woken at all?” Rahul asked then.

 

            “No. Arman says it’s better that way, she’ll have more strength to eat and bathe when she gets up. He cleaned her neck wound, but I’m sure she’s going to want to change.” Kaz rasped and Jesper walked and passed Kaz a tumbler of whiskey, which he took easily.

 

            Kaz downed the contents in one drink, ignoring the eyes of his compatriots.

 

            “Should we go up and see her… or do you want us to let her be?” Wylan questioned as he crossed one leg over another on the piano bench where he sat.

 

            “I think we should-” Kaz’s mouth clicked shut, his head turned to the side quickly. He felt it, that dull buzz in his bones that warned him Inej was nearing him.

 

            “I think Inej will come down and see you all, instead.” Her voice came from behind Kaz on the stairs. The group in the living room sounded in a collected gasp.

 

            Kaz turned around immediately, Inej was perhaps six steps up and she looked disheveled and exhausted, but she was smiling. Beaming and beautiful. Her voice no longer rasped, Kaz suspected Arman had seen to her vocal chords when he’d reduced the swelling on her neck. Inej. Inej. Inej.

 

            “You shouldn’t be walking, was Arman not in your room?” Kaz stepped to the bottom of the staircase, not bothering to hide his grin, the clear relief in his face.

 

She was here. His avri was standing before him. Nothing could keep his happiness in check, not even Dirtyhands.

 

            “Don’t. You’ll let me walk, Mr. Brekker, or I’ll start hitting people with this. We’ll see how you like it.” Inej pulled his cane from behind and poised it in front of her, the crows head pointed to his chest.

 

Damn him for leaving it in her room. Her smile then was playful and so full of life that Kaz couldn’t help it. He couldn’t even if he’d wanted to.

 

            Kaz was set off in a fit of laughter at the sight of Inej, so small and triumphant, threatening to whack people with his own cane if they dared tell her to sit down. He didn’t know he could laugh so hard.

 

            “I missed that. The dimple.” He heard Inej whisper but he was laughing too much. He heard Jesper breaking out in laughter behind him as well, chuckles came from the whole room. Kaz knew that half of this room had perhaps never heard him laugh in earnest. Only Inej and maybe Jesper had. He didn’t care.

 

For once, he didn’t fucking care about his reputation. Not a bit. He was amongst friends. He could laugh.

 

Kaz Rietveld laughed and breathed in fresh air, not a drop of harbor water.

 

 

 

 

 

 

INEJ

 

            He was laughing. Laughing and smiling that smile, the one that reminded her of freedom and the sky. Kaz was here, and wearing his true face once again, not the tailored version she’d seen in the square of the Exchange. This had been what Inej had thought of in the dark of captivity, the dimple in his cheek, the way his eyes lit up despite their darkness.

 

            Kaz had come for her, knives drawn and pistols blazing. She’d not doubted him for a single moment.

 

            “Or maybe, the whacking can wait.” Inej smiled as she gently leaned his cane against the bannister of the staircase beside her and took a step down, closer to Kaz.

 

            Kaz suppressed his laughter when she drew closer, his eyes still shining in amusement.

 

            “I suppose it could.” Kaz answered with a crooked smirk that sent her heart racing, despite the throb of hunger and the headache of dehydration.

 

            Inej didn’t think further, she walked down two more stairs, putting herself at eye level with Kaz. She launched, arms wrapping around his neck, he caught her and lifted her easily. His arms snaked around her waist and she felt the reverberation of a surprised chuckle in his chest as she burrowed into his neck.

 

            “I missed you.” Inej whispered as Kaz held her, her feet not even touching the ground. She should have been concerned for his leg, but nothing could have stopped her from her mission to be in his arms. He didn’t seem to mind. Inej vaguely heard a loud shriek of surprise from Nina in the living room, followed by a chorus of laughter from Jes and Wylan. She couldn’t be bothered to care; Nina would be filled in on what she’d missed eventually. Inej inhaled the scent of bourbon and cinnamon, the scent of home. The scent of Kaz.

 

            “I couldn’t tell with the threats of being beat with a cane, wraith.” Kaz mumbled into her hair. Inej hiccupped on a near hysterical laugh.

 

            “You should be nice to me right now, mera chaar. I need to take a bath and it’s either you or Nina who gets to supervise me while I’m naked to make sure I don’t drown.” Inej chuckled in a whisper.

 

            “You wouldn’t dare.” Kaz laughed against her, his arms tightening around her waist.

 

            “I would, unless you start being nice. Admit it, you missed me.” Inej taunted, pulling back just slightly to look at his face as Kaz set her to her feet.

 

            “I missed you.” Kaz whispered, his dark eyes locked on hers in an intense honesty that Inej had seen so rarely.

 

            Inej smiled unabashedly as she stepped back up on her tip toes.

 

            Inej kissed him, with an entire room of people to witness. She didn’t care. Kaz didn’t seem to mind either as she felt her feet leave the ground once again.

 

            “Welcome back, Inej!” Jesper shouted as Inej broke away from Kaz’s lips, noting the slight swallow in his throat, the desire in his eyes. They would have time, in a few minutes, Inej decided. She needed… she needed to say hello, then she needed to have him. Alone. Even just for half a bell while she took a bath.

 

            Inej turned and was greeted by Rahul barreling toward her. Her cousin scooped her into a hug before she could even register it.

 

            “I don’t know what I would have done if I’d lost you both.” Rahul whispered in suli as she embraced him.

 

            “You didn’t. I’m here. Where’s Khalid?” Inej answered as she pulled back and smiled toward her cousin.

 

            “Upstairs. Snoring.” Rahul chuckled with eyes lined in silver.

 

            “Good. I would say welcome to Ketterdam, but I feel like it might be too soon.” Inej laughed and Rahul chuckled with a wave of his hand.

 

            “Kaz did say that this city is never dull.”

 

            Kaz nodded with a slight laugh beside her. Inej felt his hand brush hers and she let their fingers intertwine.  

 

            “Everyone, move!” Inej turned her head to see Nina racing toward her, Inej felt Kaz drop her hand and move out of the way of this overdue reunion. Inej already felt tears streaming down her cheeks.

 

            Smart man.

 

            Nina stopped in front of her, green eyes assessing Inej’s state before the grisha pulled her into the tightest hug Inej may have ever received. Inej clung just as tight.

 

            Nina. Nina was back. Inej couldn’t believe it even as the two of them embraced in the Van Eck foyer.

 

            “Did you just kiss Kaz Brekker?” Nina whispered in her ear with a laugh.

 

            “I did. We have a lot to talk about.” Inej laughed through her tears of joy.

 

            “Saints, it’s about time. Maybe he’ll be nicer to everyone now that you’ve moved on from undressing each other with only your eyes.” Nina laughed and Inej heard Kaz huff a breath of false exasperation. Nina had spoken loud enough for him to hear and Inej could only hug tighter.

 

            “We did not.” Inej chuckled.

 

            “Did so.” Nina pulled away, her cheeks were flush, her dark hair returned in place of the tailored blonde that Inej had seen from the stage of the gallows.

 

            “You need a bath. You stink more than Trassel does in the rain.” Nina scrunched her nose though her green eyes shined with such happiness. Inej had missed her more than she could voice.

 

            “Trassel?” Inej asked.

 

            “My wolf.” Nina grinned and paused with a whistle. Inej looked behind Nina as the same white wolf from the square bounded from behind the sofa in the living room. Inej chuckled as Jesper jumped out of the way of the animal.

 

            “She… she was Matthias’. I adopted her, when I went to Fjerda.” Nina said to the room as she knelt down to scratch Trassel’s ears. Inej saw Jesper and Wylan share a look reminiscent of pain. Kaz shifted his weight from his bad leg in silence, his only tell that he felt the loss, too. Inej noted Rahul walking up the steps of the staircase, presumably to check on Khalid.

 

            Inej felt grief knock, but she would not let it in. Not when they were all here. Inej knew she and Matthias had had different beliefs, but wherever he was, whether with his God or her Saints, Inej knew he was smiling upon Nina now.

 

            “May I pet her?” Inej smiled brightly and Nina nodded as Trassel sniffed Inej’s outstretched fingers.

 

            After several minutes, Inej had also reunited with Wylan and Jesper, and become well acquainted with a fjerdan wolf of the northern ice. It was then that Inej realized Kaz was missing.

 

            “Where did he go?” Nina mused as they both turned away from Jesper and Wylan, only to spot Kaz speaking softly with Arman near the front door of the house, Arman who must have returned from tending to Khalid. Arman left with a soft click of the front door.

 

            Inej walked over to Kaz, leaving Jesper and Nina laughing with Wylan over Trassel trying to jump onto the sofa, unused to luxury.

 

            “What was that about?” Inej smiled as Kaz turned to face her.

 

            “He’s fetching waffles for our grisha guest, I suppose I owe her that much. And some for the rest of us. I told him to buy more than enough since this is Nina Zenik we have to share with. Then, he’ll be back to heal your neck wound, if you wish.” Kaz mumbled as his eyes flicked down to the ring of darkened flesh marring her throat. Something broken reappeared in his night-born eyes; Inej wanted to rectify it immediately.

 

            “I still need that bath.” Inej whispered and Kaz’s eyes darted back to hers. They both shared a private grin as they inched closer to the staircase, unnoticed and unconcerned with anything but each other.

 

            The rest could wait, Inej told herself as she and Kaz rounded the second floor landing. They had so many things to discuss, she needed to check on Khalid, she needed to catch up with Nina, she needed to know if her ship was alright, she needed to eat. She needed and she needed and she needed. But right now, all Inej could focus on was the need for closeness. Closeness to Kaz once more. It was not like her voyages had been, this time, she’d been ripped from him. She felt desperate to make up for the time they’d lost, time that had been meant to be spent together, happy and without care, whilst on a ship returning to Ketterdam from Ravka.

 

            In the dark, his light had guided her back home. Mera chaar. Her moon.

 

            Once they were out of sight from the others, a floor above, they both paused. Lips crashed and hushed elation seeped from two criminal lovers in a Mercher’s stairwell.

 

            It was kisses like this that Life had promised to Inej on a whisper; when Death had been determined to usher her to the next world through the loop of the noose. Inej had chosen life, and it had kept its promise to her. Life was all around her, in the smile of the man she loved against her lips, in the emerald eyes of a Corpsewitch, the soft spoken suli of her cousin.

 

Life had returned to Inej Ghafa and she was basking in moonlight, no longer afraid of the dark.

Chapter 84: Bullets & Bathwater

Summary:

A moment of peace.

Notes:

Chapter 84!!

PLEASE READ THESE NOTES

Hi everyone! I'm so sorry for the lateness, its been a heck of a week life-wise. I hope you understand. <3 Anyways, this one is a little shorter as originally it was combined with the next chapter, but I decided to break it up into two. Next one will be up tomorrow for you though! ALSO: this chapter does not have a spice warning, as there is no explicit spice, but there is some "steamier" content, I guess. Not really, but kind of. I wanted to place a warning, even if there's no touching or sexual content whatsoever, just in case anyone needed that warning, because there is some... nakedness? I don't know how to tell you without you just reading the chapter so I don't spoil! <3

Next, is a note I really wish I didn't have to make. Please don't copy this story and take credit for it. It came to my attention that someone had begun translating this story and posting it under a different title with no credit to me on WattPad. The user took it down with claims they had no idea my story existed and we "must have had the same idea" but it was a literal word for word translation. Please don't do this to artists, if you're out there, person who tried to accept credit for this story. Please don't. Not with writing, art work, or music. For artists like myself, we pour everything into our work because we love it. Please don't steal from people who are creating and simply trying to share their creation with the world. It's not right, and it's just simply unkind.

That being said, I'm going to be giving permission for this story to be translated into other languages to certain users who have reached out to me personally, and will be giving credit to me. Please do not begin this process until I've responded to you and given explicit permission. Once translations are posted, I will have links in the summary of this story.

I don't mean to come across as angry, guys, it's just really hard when someone starts accepting credit for work I've done. I hope you guys understand. <3 Bottom line, just please don't steal other creator's work. Get permission. Give credit when it's due. Respect the artist's wishes. ALSO, thank you so much to the wonderful reader who sent me the link to the stolen work. I appreciate you so much, thank you for having my back.

Lastly, thank you so much for every little bit of support on this story. You guys are so so wonderful to me and I can't tell you how much you brighten my days. I love each and every one of you. I know I've been slow getting back lately and I'm sorry, but I want you to know that I read every comment and see every bit of support and I'll get back, I promise. I'm doing my best and I appreciate you all so much. <3

Drop me a comment with what you think! I can't wait for the next few. <3

INEJ

 

            “Are you sore?” Kaz mumbled from behind her as he clicked the door to her bedroom shut at the Van Eck mansion, she heard the tumbler of the lock click into place. Inej had winced as she tried to remove the jacket on her body as she walked toward the vanity. Inej was starting to feel the true nature of her current condition, sore, exhausted, dirty. She’d been in these clothes for a week, save for when she’d managed to pull herself up to use the facilities made of a bucket in the darkness while in captivity; while pumped full of both physically and mentally weakening drugs, no less. She’d bled this week. Her cycle. Her captors… Pekka and men from Kane’s ship that “Jakob Hertzoon” had commandeered, had done nothing. Given her nothing. She knew no one could tell with her black filthy leggings, but she felt disgusting. The fabric itched and had torn in several places, she knew her thighs had chafed and her wrists still burned from the chains that had been fastened for seven days over her long sleeve shirt and jacket.

 

            “I… yes.” Inej resisted the urge to say she was fine. She was not. She was immensely better now, that was true, but it did not erase the past week she’d spent as a captive. It didn’t erase the fact that she’d hung from a noose. It didn’t erase the way her best friend, Khalid, had been put in danger; simply because she and Kaz had been in his proximity. Their enemies had caught up. Again. Inej wanted to scream, despite all the happiness flowing through her veins in the same moment.

 

            Saints, thank you for keeping us all alive. Thank you for bringing me back to him, for bringing us back to each other. I hope you can still receive me when I acquaint Pekka Rollins with your likeness of steel and sharpness in my hands. My fingers will not shake, and I will not repent.

 

            “I’ll start the bath.” Kaz passed her as she leaned against one of the posts at the foot of her bed. Inej didn’t miss the way Kaz had assessed her stance, nervous for her strength. She wished she could assure him she was perfectly healthy, but the ring on her neck didn’t aid in her cause, nor did her leaning position. She was reserving the small amount of strength she’d regained from her hours of sleep this afternoon after the hanging. She still needed to eat. She needed to do everything.

 

            Inej watched Kaz through the open bathroom door off her bedroom, watched as he flicked the tap on and tested the heat of the water with a finger, he poured a generous amount of her favorite night bloom bath soap into the rushing water. She noticed the deepened purple under his eyes, the slightly more prominent lurch in his step. She knew she’d lost weight this week, it appeared Kaz had as well. The muscles in his back showed more prominently through his crisp white shirt. She knew why. Kaz had been worried. He’d been scheming. She was assessing him the same way he’d observed her, taking account of his health in each of his movements.

 

            Inej moved forward into the bathroom on slow feet as Kaz lit the sconces on the wall above the sink, steam was already fogging the mirror from the glorious bath awaiting her. Inej could cry at the prospect of feeling clean, at just sitting in the water and knowing Kaz was here, too. Knowing all of her friends were in this house; safe and warm, with the promise of a meal on the way.

 

            “I love you.” Inej said as Kaz folded a towel over the side of the bathtub for her. He turned his head with a raised brow but a grin unfolded on his lips. She saw the relief in his eyes, the tiny squint that spoke of a fragile sort of peace that had been missing and reclaimed.

 

            “I love you.” Kaz answered in a soft whisper as he stepped to her by the sink, a single pale hand came up and brushed her hair behind her ear. Inej wanted to kiss him again, she wanted to do many things to him, in fact. Her body told her it had to wait. Kaz seemed to read her mind as his dark eyes met hers for only a moment before he seemed to remember the bathwater still running behind them. He’d not cause flood damage to the manor, even if Wylan could afford it.

 

            His eyes burned. Like a man who had starved. Inej knew the feeling.

 

            “I just realized I haven’t brushed my teeth in a week and you still kissed me.” Inej chuckled with a grimace as she kicked off her socks. She adamantly avoided her own reflection in the fogged mirror, she didn’t want to see what everyone else had. It was not vanity that kept her gaze far away; it was self-preservation against her demons lurking beneath her sallow skin. Inej remembered the first time she’d seen her reflection in a looking glass after she’d been on the slaving vessel that brought her to Ketterdam in the first place. She hadn’t recognized herself as she stood sullen and broken in the middle of a bedroom in the Menagerie.

 

            “I never want you to question my devotion, Inej.” Kaz quipped and Inej laughed as he threw her a crooked grin on his way to assist her in her efforts to remove her shirt; which currently was clinging to her body like a second skin, not in any sort of flattering way.

 

            “You haven’t slept, have you?” Inej said softly as Kaz’s fingers lifted her shirt over her head.

 

She would only realize later that neither of them had thought anything of it, that she hadn’t hesitated for a second to let him help her undress. That his fingers had grazed her shoulder and yet he’d not even had to take a breath. Normality had prevailed over their quiet realm of privacy in the bathroom.

 

            Kaz quirked his head at her question once her mangled shirt fell to the floor.

 

            “I have.” He rasped.

 

            “I can tell you are lying, shevrati.” Inej caught his eyes and she noted the deep breath he took as he flicked his gaze back to her neck wound.

 

            “I couldn’t, not really. Not until I knew you were safe. I caught a couple of hours on the ship Rahul and I stowed away on to get here in time. A fishing vessel.” Kaz answered lowly. It was an admission he’d once have never made. It was vulnerability for only her to hear.

 

            Kaz was baring his humanity only to her and the misty versions of themselves in the mirror.

 

            “I’m here, now. I know how much we have to do. How much there is waiting for us. But tonight, we’ll have some food. Then, you’re coming to bed. With me. I don’t care how many complaints we get from Nina and Jesper. We have time.” Inej said lightly, designing her lips into a smile that she hoped would prove contagious. Kaz’s eyes moved back to hers and Inej saw the corners of his mouth move up slightly. It was a start.

 

            “Pekka’s in the shed in the garden.” Kaz mumbled and Inej’s eyebrows must have raised to her hairline. She had known Kaz wouldn’t have killed him in the square of the Exchange, but she supposed she hadn’t gotten farther than that. She hadn’t even spared a thought about the less-than-dandy Dime Lion since she’d awoken. All of her attention had been on those who deserved it.

 

            “Alone?” Inej leaned back against the bathroom counter, her legs already growing tired.

 

            “He’s unconscious, and will be until Arman wakes him up tomorrow. He will pay for this, Inej. He will pay for everything.” Kaz’s eyes turned distant in unbridled anger.

 

Anger that had simmered in his soul of fire for a decade, fire that had kept his brother’s memory warm and alive, even if Jordie was long dead. Inej understood.

 

“Yes. Yes, he will.” Inej answered with conviction and a surety she felt as strongly as her faith to the Saints above.

 

“Help me?” Inej said after a moment passed, Kaz’s eyes had strayed to the window above the tub that looked to the back garden, and consequently, toward the bricks that stood between himself and a promise soon to be kept. The shed was out there.

 

Kaz tore his eyes away and nodded as Inej turned her back to him, ready to be rid of the damned bindings that had kept her chest restricted for far too long. Inej felt his fingers slip to the latches and she matched her breathing to his easily. It was a meditation, for both of them. A return to a place that was only theirs. The wraps fell to the ground in a pile by her shirt. Inej hazarded a glance down to her own bare upper half. Her stomach’s muscles were more prominent with under nourishment, the wraps had left lines and slight bruising beneath her breasts. She took a deep breath, relishing in the freedom of expanding her chest fully with air scented of bathwater.

 

Inej turned to face Kaz and his eyes wandered down her body, hanging on the bruising beneath her breasts. He released a shaky breath. Inej knew why. He was angry. Angry that her body held the marks of captivity, even if these bruises had just been from her own bindings. He was angry she hadn’t been able to remove them for a week. She was, too.

 

Inej felt rage and violence whisper their way into her bloodstream, but she would not heed their call, now. Now, she wanted nothing more than to sink to her collarbones in suds and let water do what it does best.

 

Inej had learned many lessons, but water could cure almost anything. Tears cleansed the pain of the heart. Baths eased the woes of the body. The sea’s crashing waves could soothe a spirit into serenity.

 

“I got the rest, can you see if I have a toothbrush here still?” Inej mumbled as she finally slid her leggings and underthings off her body, kicking them into a pile as Kaz turned away to sift through the bathroom drawers.

 

“I have your things from Ravka, where would it be in your bag?” Kaz asked when he came up empty handed, just as Inej began to ease herself down into the steaming water. She hissed as the water seeped into her raw ankles, ankles left raw from shackles.

 

“Left hand pocket,” Inej paused when she saw Kaz staring, eyes hard and angry.

 

“What?” Inej asked, finally sitting down into the water. The suds licked her wounds and carried a promise of cleanliness.

 

“You bled.” Kaz rasped with an entirely unchecked sort of violence in his voice. Inej wanted to cringe, she supposed he’d have noticed the red stains on her thighs. She hadn’t intended to say anything. Inej was confident, but admitting she’d had to sit in her own blood for the week was something that still seemed… she didn’t know the words. She was still just a woman with her own brand of insecurity, she supposed. Her cycle had been something to be hidden in the Menagerie as much as possible, something ridiculous when she thought about it. A house full of women meant to hide their very nature.

 

“I- yes.” Inej was already reaching for a wash rag and the extra bar of soap on the shelf beside the tub.

 

“And they did nothing.” Kaz was seething, his anger prominent and tangible in the air. She saw it in the flex of his pale fingers, as if he already held a trigger between them.

 

Saints, grant him calm. He will regret it if Pekka dies by a kind blade or bullet.  

 

“Of course they didn’t.” Inej mumbled. She would not lie to him. She wanted Pekka to pay for all of it, too.

 

Without another word, Kaz turned and walked out of the bathroom.

 

KAZ

 

Bricks were tumbling down. He saw nothing but red. Pekka would die. He’d let Inej bleed and just… did nothing. Let her sit in the dark and bleed while dehydrated. Kaz felt wrath wrap his heart in a familiar embrace of broken bloodiness. His dearest friend had returned to aid in this decade’s old tale of witty bird against viscous feline.

 

Kaz found one of his revolvers in his bag from Ravka, next to the tin of ammunition.

 

One bullet for the promise of work fed from the mouth of a wind-up toy dog.

 

Two bullets to pay Mr. Hertzoon back for the hot chocolate.

 

Three bullets for the red ribbon from a Daughter born of Deceit.

 

Four bullets for the Brother’s name the Lion had forgotten.

 

Five bullets for the five breaths Kaz had taken as he’d watched Jordie’s body float away on a current of dashed dreams, unable to follow.

 

Six bullets for the woman he loved, that Pekka had nearly taken from him.

 

“Put it down.” Inej’s voice carried to Kaz from the bathroom. He froze as he eyed the gun in his hand above Inej’s vanity table. He took a glance over his shoulder, Inej had not left the tub.

 

How did she do it? She was not even in the same room as him, hadn’t even lifted a soap dusted finger from the bathtub, and yet she’d spied on him. Infuriating woman. Dangerous woman.

 

Kaz raised a shaking hand and pinched the bridge of his nose, squeezed his eyes shut. Deep breath. One, two, three. Four, five, six.

 

One by one, Kaz began to empty the gun of bullets, the metal clanging like a disheartened war cry against the wood of the table.

 

“I heard five.” Inej said.

 

Damnit. She knew him better. She’d counted each bullet, just as he had. One remained in the chambers.

 

“Six.” Kaz whispered to himself as he finally dropped the last bullet to the table.

 

Kaz set the gun down, running a hand over the side of his head. He felt unhinged.

 

“Come back.” Inej commanded, her tone soft. Kaz shifted his eyes back to the open bathroom door, he was out of her line of sight, but he felt the gravity pull him back toward her.

 

The moon ever faithful to the heed his Sea’s tide.

 

Kaz returned to the bathroom to find Inej wringing her hair out in the tub, her bronze skin still shining in the dim candlelight. Something still beckoned him forward.

 

Kaz didn’t know why he did it. He neared the tub, eyes locked on the water surrounding Inej. He wanted to practice, somehow. Practice for much more important things than the promised violence to end Pekka’s life. It was a distraction from the hatred, a distraction of sheer love.

 

Kaz caught Inej’s eyes as he let a single finger touch the water of her bath. Her eyes were tinged in surprised confusion as he let that single digit brush her wet shoulder. He shivered. Nausea roiled in his gut, images of death-bloated skin flitted past his eyes, but he did not recoil violently. Instead, he took a deep breath and dried his finger off on his pants. He took a step away and closed his eyes.

 

“What was that for?” Inej looked concerned when he forced his eyes open to face her.

 

“Practice.” Kaz whispered as he leaned back against the wall, trying to let the nausea pass.

 

“Practice for what?” Inej asked with a tilt of her head as she rinsed her shoulders with cupped hands of bathwater. Kaz felt his skin warm. He turned his head to inspect the marble veins of the tile beneath his feet instead of looking at the shame in the forefront of his eyes.

 

“I want… I want to be able to touch you. Intimately, without barriers. I’m working on it, Inej.” Kaz admitted through grit teeth, his eyes avoided her entirely. This was shame incarnate, he was sure of it. To have to admit to the woman he loved that he was afraid of how her flesh would feel to him when she was aroused. Aroused for him. He’d never felt the keen awareness of his demons more than in this moment. Kaz knew Inej understood his fear, she knew everything. It didn’t stop embarrassment from arising within his chest at the blatant avenue of the conversation.

 

He was still a man with pride, he couldn’t ignore the dents it was taking from the admission.

 

“Practice that with me, instead.” Inej whispered, her voice did not shake. She was not stepping back from this conversation. Kaz willed his eyes to look back to her, he found her arms folded over the tub, her chin rested on her hands. She was smiling, a small grin that he didn’t fully understand. He must have let his confusion show in his eyes, her smile widened yet her eyes softened.

 

“It’s not easy for me either, Kaz. Don’t forget that. I want to work… on all of that, together. I don’t expect you to get very far if you equate my skin to bathwater.” Inej said softly. Kaz felt his lips slant into a smile of his own. She was right. She tended to be right, if Kaz was honest.

 

Kaz opened his mouth to speak when a loud knock sounded on Inej’s locked bedroom door.

 

“Kaz Brekker I may not be able to stop your heart anymore but you will return Inej to me for waffles within the next five minutes or so help me I’ll make corpses crawl around the barrel for a week! Don’t be selfish!” Nina’s voice carried to them in the bathroom and Kaz threw his eyes heavenward when Inej was set off in a fit of giggles.

 

“I think I’ve been summoned.” Inej grinned when Kaz rolled his eyes.

 

“I also think she’s quite serious and I prefer to be the most grotesque thing walking my city streets. Get out of the bath, darling. Waffles await.” Kaz quipped as he watched Inej stand from the water, he tried desperately to avert his gaze but failed in all his efforts when Inej raised a flirtatious brow at his wandering eyes. Damn her.

 

“Later.” Inej winked as she wrapped a towel around her chest.

 

“I’m waiting!” Nina shouted from the hall and Kaz wanted to groan.

 

“I’ll be there in a minute!” Inej yelled back and she smirked when she spied his expression in the mirror above the sink.

 

“Did… did you happen to have that sweater in your bag? The one you wore in Ravka.” Inej mused to his reflection in the mirror as she began to braid her damp hair to the side.

 

“You mean my sweater? That I wore once.” Kaz laughed, already moving toward his bag in Inej’s bedroom. She’d already won. He was a man easily swayed tonight, it seemed. Inej had returned to him. He’d gladly do just about anything to keep her smiling.

 

“I think we should adapt the idea of what is mine is yours?” Inej said with a chuckle. Kaz froze as he was digging through his bag for his black sweater, his hand drifted involuntarily to the secret pocket in the lining of the leather. He had a set of lock picks there, but now, he could feel the outline of two small metal circles.

 

“I agree.” Kaz whispered to himself low enough for her not to hear.

 

Soon, he’d ask. It was a reminder; Inej was safe. He had a heist to perform, first. That particular job was next on his list after his now-forming scheme for Pekka.

 

Kaz felt wings take flight in his stomach, he’d ask for a certain grisha’s help on this particular heist; a jewel heist overdue. That was, if he could manage to get Nina alone, away from her waffles and his Wraith.

 

 

Chapter 85: A Little Like Forgiveness

Summary:

A different perspective.

Notes:

Chapter 85!!!

AHHH. I'm late, I know. If you didn't see my posts on tumblr (@ravenyenn19), I've just had some setbacks the past few days, but I'm here now! If I'm honest, this has been one of the hardest chapters I've ever written. You'll notice something different about it, it's not from Kaz or Inej's perspective. Honestly, Nina's voice is one of the hardest to capture, and I still feel like it's not perfect, but I tried my damnedest. Keep in mind too, this is Nina of my own imagining where her life has gone, not KoS or RoW. But, still post CK as always. You'll see. Anyways, this one is a lot more introspection, and views from others, but it felt important even if it's slower. I always wanted to show a little outside look from some of our other favorite crows, too. <3 Anyways, it's not perfect, but I still hope you love it. The next few are going to be big, in a lot of different ways, and I cannot wait to keep going.

As always, Thank you. Just thank you. This story passed 50k reads, and I seriously can't even tell you what that means to me. I know I've been slow getting back to comments, but I've been so focused on the writing that I hope you understand. I read every single one, and I love you guys. I feel like we've become friends on this journey, and I can't really express what that means to me. You've all brightened my life, and it's truly so much more than I can convey. I'll get back to everyone, even if I'm slow as can be. Just know I haven't forgotten.

Drop me a comment with what you think, what you felt, if there's anything you're looking forward to! I can't wait.<3

"Brother" by Kodaline. I've saved this one for a long time. If that tells you anything. I hope you listen. When the second POV starts, you'll understand.

NINA

 

            It was so odd, to be here again. To be in this sitting room, with a fire roaring and Wylan and Jesper laughing as they poured out glasses of spirits around a table of waffle containers that the healer, Arman, had produced only a few minutes ago. The healer had taken to leaning on a spot against the wall, clearly waiting for Kaz and Inej to reappear. Nina knew the Dregs new house grisha would oversee Inej’s neck wound to proper health before he left. Nina itched with questions about the man, but she would not push. It was not her right to judge if the healer had defected from the second army, and, she supposed, he could have not defected at all. Perhaps he’d just never been tested as a boy. Clearly, he’d made a life for himself in the Dregs. That, specifically, Nina would never judge. She bore the crow and cup, too. Nina tossed the swirling thoughts away as she collapsed into the lavish sofa, she’d make good on her threats if Kaz and Inej were not back here in the next few minutes. That, or she’d eat all their waffles.

 

Maybe she’d save one for Inej, her wonderful, sharp-witted and sharp-wielding friend. Kaz could kick rocks.

 

            Nina had missed Ketterdam for many reasons, surprisingly. But this, this was the first reason. Waffles and all their glory, sugar-dusted, splendor. Second, Inej. Third, Jesper and Wylan. Fourth, Kaz Brekker, of all people. He hadn’t changed his haircut though, so Nina supposed she should leave him off the list until he saw reason. For Inej’s sake.

 

            Nina had a thousand questions, a thousand answers to give in return. She saw it in the way Jesper kept eyeing her with a smile on his face, his fingers tapping against his glass anxiously in wait for the real reunions to come.

 

            “Saints Jes, I didn’t know you missed me so much,” Nina crooned as she began to eye the boxes of fluffy goodness on the coffee table. The pastries sang the song of her soul, sugary and decadent.

 

            “Of course I did, gorgeous. You’re the other half of almost all my best jokes, and also easy on the eyes.” Jesper winked and Wylan guffawed, he threw a wadded up napkin at Jesper and Nina couldn’t hold back her chuckle as Jesper leaned in and pressed an apology of a kiss into Wylan’s cheek as the young demolitionist rolled his eyes, amusement written all over his expression. They worked well together, Nina could see it clearly. They balanced each other, Jesper and Wylan.

 

            The click of a cane sounded on the stairs in the foyer, and Trassel lifted her head from her lazy position in front of the hearth, assessing the newcomers with crisp eyes despite her sleepiness. Nina would never stop being grateful for her new companion. Her furry and fjerdan friend, who kept her warm in the night in the absence of the northern soldier they had both loved beyond the constructs of reason. A bond between wolf and man, a bond between witch and witch-hunter. Both had been prey who fell in love with predator.

 

            I love her as you would have, you big hunk of drüskelle. We miss you, dearly. All of us.

 

            “Finally!” Jesper chirped with a grimace of faux exasperation, just as Kaz and Inej stepped off the last steps in the foyer. Inej looked immensely better, healthier. She still walked slowly, but Nina could see Inej’s face clearly now. Before, she’d been caked in dirt. Now, the suli woman was draped in a cashmere black sweater that was clearly three sizes too big for her and a pair of cotton pants that covered her feet entirely, Nina suspected they belonged to Kaz. Inej’s hair was damp and braided to the side of her head, her dark eyes shined the moment she spied the food on the table. Nina noticed immediately that Inej’s bronze hand was clasped in Kaz’s now leather covered one. So many things had changed, Nina couldn’t wait to find out that particular story. How true the claims were of Inej being a Sea Captain, if Kaz was truly King of Ketterdam now. Nina restrained herself from jumping up and embracing Inej once more; she knew her friend needed to eat, first. She also didn’t miss Kaz’s careful assessment of Inej’s steps as she walked, how Brekker’s dark eyes kept catching on the ring of dark flesh upon Inej’s throat. Nina hated it, too. In this, she and Kaz felt the exact same. Nina had thought her heart would shatter when the executioner had pulled the lever and the noose had tightened around Inej’s neck. She still didn’t know how Inej had survived, how her neck hadn’t broken, how Wylan had gotten to her in time before she ran out of air.

 

            “You look lovely, if only you liked women, I would have beat Brekker out in a heartbeat. I have a much sunnier disposition and not to mention I’m stunning.” Nina joked with a smirk as Inej neared the table. Kaz rolled his eyes but she swore she caught a quirk of his lips, a smug little smile that was there and gone in an instant. It was new, yet it was still Kaz Brekker in his entirety. Turns out, Kaz did know how to smile. A little.

 

            Jesper laughed and Inej chuckled as she crossed her legs beneath her to sit on the floor, despite Nina moving over to make room for her on the couch. Inej shook her head with an easy grin, a look to convey she’d rather the ground.

 

            “Instead you woke up and chose…. What? Violence as a sexuality?” Nina laughed as Inej met her gaze, a giggle bubbled forth from the acrobat’s delicate lips.

 

            “Well, do you happen to know what Violence is good for inducing?” Inej mused, smugness in her tone and flirtation in her brows. She was already reaching for a container of waffles. Jesper was already following suit and Wylan raised his eyebrows at Inej’s smirk and slightly flushed cheeks. Kaz settled down on the floor beside Inej, surprisingly. It had to be uncomfortable for his leg, but somehow, it seemed he was used to it. It was also new that he didn’t keep his distance. Kaz had always stood in doorways, sat in the furthest chair from their gatherings. Now, he joined. He joined as if it were normal. Nina didn’t hate it. She didn’t miss his lurking. Maybe this was a new and improved version of Dirtyhands.

 

            “What?” Nina chuckled.

 

            “Screams.” Inej winked and Kaz almost spit out the sip of bourbon he’d just taken from the glass Jesper had passed over.

 

            Jesper howled in laughter, Wylan seconds from combusting right alongside him. Kaz looked over to Inej and Nina saw something silent pass between their eyes, and then, Kaz winked. It was something Nina would never have thought the bastard of the barrel capable of.

 

            “Saints Brekker, okay. We see you.” Nina’s cheeks hurt from her smile as Kaz shrugged smugly and began passing the syrup to Inej. Inej grinned in her comments wake, life exuding from her bronze skin. Nina could tell Inej Ghafa was happy, in a grander picture sort of way, despite how this reunion began. Something was different about her friend, it was in the simple way she carried herself. Inej had always had perfect posture, but now, her shoulders seemed light. Like something was no longer weighing her down.

 

            Saints, she’d missed them all so much. She hadn’t smiled like this in months, and she’d not even been reunited with this band of misfits for more than six bells. How many nights had she lied awake in a tent, dreaming of her friends she’d left behind? Never had Nina Zenik imagined to have found a family amongst a barrel rat made of sharp pieces, a suli girl who danced in shadows, the kerch boy whose melody was found in flutes and fireworks, and a zemini gambler whose revolvers were extensions of his limbs. But she had. She had. Her death borne heart had come back home.

 

            “I think I picked a poor time to walk down the stairs and find out what makes my best friend love you so much, Kaz.” A man’s voice came from the stairs. Nina had not yet met him, but she recognized him as the suli man from the square of the Exchange, he was followed by the other man, Rahul, that Nina had been introduced to very briefly when she and Arman had brought an unconscious Inej back to the house, hours prior. They both looked tired, but healthy. Nina noticed the green eyes on the man that had spoken, a rare thing amongst the suli. Nina wondered if he had mixed heritage, the Wandering Isle, perhaps. Nina saw Kaz swallow, it was the most nervous she’d ever seen Kaz Brekker look.

 

            Inej’s head snapped over her shoulder at the sound of the voice. She was up on her feet in one fluid movement, already charging for the man on the stairs, yet somehow, she did not trip over the long pants she donned. Ever graceful, ever the Wraith.

 

            Damnit Inej, you need to eat. Nina saw Kaz eye her untouched food as well. He wanted her to recover. Nina’s eyes met Kaz’s for only an instant, and she knew in that moment they shared the same worry for Inej. It was another impossibility, Kaz had let her see the worry in his eyes. He hadn’t hidden it with sarcasm or violence.

 

            “Khalid!” Inej cried, elation seeping from each letter of the man’s name.

 

            “Best friend? I fill that spot. I’m the tall handsome man of color here.” Jesper mumbled in false dismay and Wylan smacked him in the arm gently with a playful squint of his blue eyes.

 

            “You can be mine, it’s not much of a trade, but I am easy on the eyes, as you said.” Nina winked and Jesper chuckled, iron eyes looking onto the reunion of Inej and the man in the foyer. Inej was speaking suli, fast and unbothered. Nina knew the language, somewhat, but she still couldn’t keep up like a native. She caught the words “Ketterdam” and “I love you”.

 

            “Maybe Inej chose Khalid as her best friend because he breathes fire.” Kaz piped up and Nina saw Jesper’s eyes go wide, Wylan’s did too. Kaz released a dark chuckle as he eased himself up from the ground and flicked his cane in his hand to join the reunion in the foyer, clearly Kaz knew the suli man as well. Brekker was content to leave them wondering, as if it were a scheme.

 

            Inferni? No, inferni didn’t breathe fire. Nina took a moment before it clicked. This man was a performer, like Inej had been before she’d been stolen, before her indenture had been sold to Tante Heleen. A performer with the suli troupes. Nina had always wanted to see a true performance, but she’d only ever seen the fortune tellers when they came to soirées at the Little Palace in her educational years, prior to the Ravkan civil war. Someday, Nina wondered if she’d see Inej on a wire. She knew it would be incredible, she had no doubt Inej was talented. Nina had been the only one of them to see Inej walk a wire, twenty stories in the air.

 

 She still had nightmares about Inej falling. She still remembered the fractured hope in her friend’s eyes the moment she’d laid eyes on Kaz after her fight with the assassin and her throwing stars. Nina had known then, that something was bound to change. Kaz Brekker had been void of his reputation that night, he had looked at Inej the way… well, in the same way Matthias had looked at Nina herself. She remembered that look clear as day, it was all she had left of her drüskelle. All she had left of her heart now buried in the northern ice.

 

“I was about to say thank you for saving my husband, but then I heard disturbing details of your personal life with my cousin.” Rahul narrowed his eyes on Kaz and Nina let a laugh escape under her breath. So this was Inej’s cousin. Wait… if this was Inej’s cousin, that meant… Inej had found her parents? She’d reunited with them? Nina had too many questions in the span of a single moment.

 

Better eat some waffles, better to have a clear head, and a full belly.

 

“Oh stop it.” Inej was flushed as she dropped Khalid from a crushing hug and sent a glare in Rahul’s direction. Nina almost dropped her waffle when she saw Kaz Brekker shake both of the suli men’s hands, leather meeting bronze in a sign of friendship.

 

The group turned and walked back toward herself, Jesper and Wylan. Nina saw how surprised Jesper had looked to see Kaz shake the two men’s hands as well, men it seemed only Kaz and Inej truly knew.

 

Nina’s head was spinning. She couldn’t piece everything together. She had so many Saints-damned questions. I wish you were here, Matthias. You’d tell me to be patient. I suck at being patient. You knew that. You’d tell me that we have time. Time to relearn each other. Time to catch up. It doesn’t all have to happen, right in this moment.

 

“Everyone, this is Khalid, my best friend from Ravka, and his husband and my cousin, Rahul, as most of you know,” Inej paused with a gesture of her arm. “Khalid, this is Nina, Jesper, and Wylan. I believe you’ve met everyone, Rahul.” Inej smiled softly. Nina saw it, a slight tremor of her hand. Inej needed to stop pushing herself. She’d hung from a noose today.

 

“Pleasure to make your acquaintance,” Nina beamed and she shook both of the suli men’s hands. Wylan and Jesper did the same.

 

A moment later, Nina was still seated alone on the couch. Khalid and Rahul had also settled on the floor, nearest to the hearth and Trassel. Trassel had simply yawned and closed her eyes once Nina commanded her to stay put.

 

“Remember how you told me Ketterdam keeps you guessing? I believe you were correct.” Khalid said to Kaz from across the table and Kaz simply nodded, a chuckle escaped his lips. The two men appeared as if they were friends? Nina still didn’t understand, but Inej was finally eating. Nina also saw her chug two glasses worth of water from the decanter on the table. Kaz was already pouring another for her, Inej looked to him with gratitude.

 

“Excuse me, uh, boss.” Nina turned her gaze up and saw Arman make himself known from across the living room. Nina had completely forgotten the healer was still here.

 

“Oh, Arman. Right.” Kaz mumbled as he stood to face the healer.

 

“Now?” Inej said softly, she did not lift her eyes from the waffle in her hand. Nina saw something deep and despairing pass over Inej’s eyes. Nina understood. Inej had just begun living again after dancing with death in a noose. Now, Arman was the reminder of the day. The reminder of her injury, of her close call. All talking ceased from around the table at Inej’s tone.

 

Kaz turned his head from Arman and the moment his eyes found Inej, she met his gaze. It was another silent conversation, something Nina knew had always been there. Kaz and Inej were always like this, able to use something more private than vocal chords. Nina wondered how they could speak like that. She loved languages, she knew six, in fact. This was a language she’d never be able to learn, though. A language that had been born between her two friends that not another soul could decipher. It was something deeper, like the roots of a tree. Only those made of the same forest could listen. It was a two-tree grove, Kaz and Inej. There were no others like them.

 

Inej nodded once, satisfied with whatever had passed between herself and Kaz.

 

“I can… I can do it here. It won’t take long.” Arman tried with a small smile in Inej’s direction. Inej nodded once more as she brushed her braid over her shoulder, she tried to return the smile but Nina saw it die on her lips before it bloomed. Inej was the ever present force of calm and strength in this group, but Nina knew Inej was not perfectly fine. How could she be? She’d been hung. Kaz was watching the Wraith’s every movement, reading her. Nina heard Jesper and Wylan engage Rahul and Khalid in conversation, an approximation of privacy for Inej while she was to be healed.

 

Arman knelt down to Inej on the ground, hands poised just above the skin of her throat. Kaz didn’t move from his standing position at Inej’s side. Nina thought his likeness to be that of a statue guardian in a graveyard. A protector of marble, through and through. Arman took a breath, preparing to begin the knitting of Inej’s skin back together.

 

“Wait.” Inej commanded in a rushed whisper, effectively halting the healer. Nina tilted her head to the side in confusion as Inej looked down at her own hands in her lap. The suli woman took a breath before she looked back up to Arman.

 

“Leave the scar it would have left naturally.” Inej whispered. Nina saw Kaz take a deep breath, but he let nothing else show his surprise in Inej’s decision. The rest of them had turned back to look at Inej as well.

 

“Why?” Wylan was the one to ask with a tip of his head, auburn curls catching the light of the fire.

 

            “Because I felt the wings.” Inej whispered, her eyes locked on Khalid across the table. Nina hadn’t noticed that she’d sought her friend out. Nina saw the suli man’s eyes make some sort of connection with Inej’s words. Khalid smiled, soft and genuine. Nina saw Kaz make the same connection, a realization passed over his features in the span of a blink before he schooled his expression back into neutrality.

 

            “Besides, what pirate can say they slipped the noose, literally, and have the proof to back their claim?” Inej whispered, a soft sort of smile danced along her features, an attempt at lightening the mood. A chuckle rippled through their group, but Nina noticed Kaz did not join.

 

His eyes were focused on the door to the dining room. Toward the garden, where Pekka Rollins awaited. It looked personal. It always had, whenever Pekka’s name had been spoken in the presence of Kaz Brekker.

 

There was something there, something Nina didn’t think she’d ever find out, but she’d gladly help Dirtyhands paint the cobblestones red with Pekka’s blood. He’d tried to take Inej, and Nina couldn’t lose anymore. She couldn’t.

 

            She’d lost him, lost Matthias. She wouldn’t lose one more of these people. She was the only Corpsewitch in history, but Nina Zenik would never stop wielding Death on the fair side of the battlefield; Nina was a soldier of life.

 

 

JESPER

 

            “Saints.” Inej muttered under her breath as she set down her napkin on the coffee table. Jesper turned away from his conversation with Khalid at the stressed note in the Wraith’s voice.

He turned his head to follow Inej’s gaze, Kaz was walking toward the doors of the dining room, effectively, toward the backyard terrace doors that would lead to a path in the garden. Kaz was heading toward Pekka.

 

            Inej began to stand but Jesper laid a hand on hers from across the table.

 

            “I got it. I’m sure he’s just checking the locks. I’ll make sure he doesn’t murder him without an audience.” Jesper tried a smile in Inej’s direction and he saw gratitude light her dark eyes. Jesper didn’t know what had happened with Pekka and Kaz, but he’d learned something new today in the square of the Exchange. Kaz had said he’d murder Pekka in his dead brother’s stead. Jordie. Jesper had never known just how personal Kaz’s hatred for the Dime Lion had been, but he’d known it was just that, personal. Now, even more so. Inej had hung from a noose. Jesper had never in his nineteen years heard a sound as broken as Kaz Brekker’s scream when the noose had tightened around Inej’s throat. He never wanted to hear it again. Kaz had been a pillar for Jesper, for years now, if he was candid enough with himself.

 

Kaz had been strength when Jesper had gambled away all his money and spine in dim gambling halls. Kaz had given him a place to live, friends. Given him chance after chance to prove himself, even if Jesper had fucked it up too many times to count. It was something Jesper had never had, something Jesper had begun to realize he’d acquired since Kaz had given him partial ownership of the Crow Club; Jesper had a brother. A brother who did not feign away when he fucked up, a brother who forgave him, lectured him, challenged him. Jesper would do the same, even if he had to take a punch or two from Brekker when he would inevitably stand between Kaz and the door to the garden shed. Jesper would protect Kaz from a decision he’d regret.

 

            Jesper felt Wylan lay a hand on his shoulder as he began to stand.

 

            “Take the vintage from the cabinet in the dining room. Kaz could use it, I think.” Wylan muttered softly for only him to hear. Jesper grinned, Wylan Van Eck. Always brilliant. Always here for him. Jesper leaned down and laid a kiss on Wylan’s cheek, the ginger’s skin reddened beneath his lips, Jesper would never tire of it.

 

Jesper Fahey didn’t think he’d ever be able to love the merchling more, but every morning without fail, Wylan’s blue eyes sparked in the morning light, and Jesper fell just a little more.

 

“Jes,” Inej paused in her conversation with Nina and Khalid. “Tread lightly.” Jesper saw worry pass over Inej’s eyes, her head turned over her shoulder in the wake of the swinging door to the dining room. Kaz was out of sight.

 

“Don’t I always?” Jesper grinned in parting, he didn’t miss the deep breath Inej took. He caught a glimpse of Nina laying a hand on Inej’s shoulder in solidarity, in comfort. Inej’s neck was now healed, a thin white ring of scar tissue around her neck was all that remained. Jesper wasn’t quite sure why Inej had elected to keep the memory of her hanging alive, but he had to admit, as far as scars went, it was pretty badass. The Wraith was as dangerous as her title implied, they all knew that. But now, Captain Inej Ghafa bore proof she’d slipped the noose for piracy. Jesper could understand the appeal of having proof, if he’d been the one to cheat death.

 

On his way to the terrace, Jesper pinched two glass tumblers and the bottle of whiskey that Wylan had mentioned from the liquor cabinet, an offering for an angry barrel boss. Jesper opened the terrace doors to the cool night air, the sky had cleared, a rare sight for Ketterdam. The moon shone down and gave the alabaster stone of the terrace a soft sort of luminescence, lighting the way as Jesper strolled into the evening.

 

Kaz was seated on the stairs, staring across the garden toward the shed. Jesper was surprised, he’d suspected Kaz to be out there, either shedding blood or testing locks. Instead, Kaz sat still as a statue. Jesper waltzed forward, plopping himself down on the stairs beside Kaz, leaving several feet between them on the wide stair case. Kaz did not turn his eyes, nor did he even seem to breathe. Jesper saw Kaz’s leather clad hands tighten on the Crow’s head of his cane, the only sign that Kaz was even aware of his presence. Brekker’s tie was slightly askew, a piece of raven hair fell to his pale forehead. Kaz was stressed.

 

Jesper Fahey had learned how to read Kaz, these years, but something was off. This was not scheming face, it was not just anger, or even Dirtyhands’ trademark scowl. It was something in the clench of Brekker’s jawline, something that was simple yet deep. It was rage barely tethered, as if a tornado had struck the wiles of Kaz’s mind and a single rope was all that kept the entirety of his world on the ground.

 

Jesper took a deep breath as he uncorked the whiskey and poured a generous amount into the two glasses he’d brought. He cast the bottle to his side and slid one glass across the stone stair in Kaz’s direction. Finally, Kaz’s eyes turned from the shed and looked to the glass. A barely-there nod was Kaz’s only acknowledgement as he picked up the glass and took a deep drink. Kaz’s eyes had already turned back to the shed.

 

Jesper knew Kaz didn’t answer questions, especially not about himself. Jesper knew it, but he found himself testing the water anyways.

 

“Did you mean what you said, that you would kill Pekka for your brother?” Jesper mumbled with a glance to the stars above them, washing down his anticipated disappointment with a drink of his own. A long moment passed in silence, and Jesper was almost certain he should get up and leave. Despite that Jesper would consider Kaz his brother, he didn’t expect Kaz to answer him.

 

Jesper was certain Kaz wouldn’t respond…until he did.

 

“I meant it. Pekka… he killed my brother. Or, he might as well have. He killed me in other ways, too.” Kaz’s rock salt rasp was a whisper amongst the blades of grass in the garden. Jesper stole a glance to Kaz, but Dirtyhands’ eyes remained fixed on the shed; as if he were afraid if he let Pekka out of his sight, he’d lose his chance to face him. Jesper wanted to speak, but he wasn’t given the chance. Instead, Jesper Fahey was stunned into silence.

 

“My brother was thirteen. I was nine. When we came to Ketterdam, after our Da died. Jordie died not long after. I meant what I said when Inej’s parents were here. I came from a farm, too. Lij. It wasn’t a lie. I’m shocked you didn’t ask sooner.” Kaz released a breath, a muscle ticked in his jaw.

 

“You… you grew up on a farm, like me?” Jesper stuttered. Of course he remembered the dinner with Inej’s parents when Kaz had claimed to come from a farming village. Jesper had wanted to ask, but he’d been a goddamned coward. He’d been afraid that Kaz would shut him out, as he always had. Jesper had felt like he’d made progress with Kaz, he hadn’t wanted to jeopardize it by pushing.

 

Kaz nodded, he downed his whiskey in one more swig. Jesper did the same.

 

“What happened, Kaz? What happened to your brother?” Jesper whispered. He remembered how he’d once had a conversation with Inej, where they’d compared Kaz to a hive of bees. He was still waiting for honey. A different sort of honey, but Kaz was his brother. He wanted… he wanted to know the man he’d fought beside a hundred times. Jesper wanted to protect Kaz, the same way Kaz had protected Jesper countless times without a word.

 

Jesper had realized in the time since the auction, that action was the only way Kaz knew how to express his true nature, his true feelings. Jesper had seen it when Kaz had met with Wylan to purchase Inej’s ship. He’d seen it when Kaz had murdered Charles Hester, for what the bastard had done to the Wraith. He’d seen it when Kaz offered his opinions on Wylan’s blue prints for the College they were building in the Van Eck name, without even being asked. Jesper had felt Kaz’s friendship when he’d found the documents of ownership for the Crow Club on his desk.

 

Kaz wasn’t much for words, but he never failed in action.

 

That didn’t mean Jesper didn’t deserve some words, every now and then. For this, he just wanted to understand. For fucks sake, he thought his loyalty had earned him at least one or two answers.

 

Kaz took a deep and silent breath, he glanced over his shoulder back through the glass doors of the dining room. Jesper saw Inej and Wylan through the window, they were grabbing more glasses from the liquor cabinet, smiles on their faces and laughter on their lips as they walked back toward the living room, completely unaware that himself and Kaz had been watching.

 

“A story for another night.” Kaz rasped. Jesper rolled his eyes, hands already itching with infuriated energy.  

 

“Why’d I bother?” Jesper laughed, dark and annoyed.

 

“Jes.” Kaz ground out, just as Jesper prepared to stand. Jesper paused.

 

“I will tell you. I just… fuck, Jesper. This is the only thing that has mattered to me in a decade: the destruction of Pekka Rollins. Today, he hung Inej. I thought I’d lost her. I thought I’d die, Jes. I just can’t… I can’t give you the answers right now because I can’t even fucking think straight. Inej is in there with a ring around her neck, and I just want to fucking scream. Pekka almost took you all from me and I wouldn’t have come back from it, Jesper. I wouldn’t have. We both know it.” Kaz sputtered, the words angry, unhinged, and unfiltered. Jesper had never heard so much honesty from Kaz’s mouth, never heard him acknowledge his feelings so blatantly. He’d never seen Kaz look so human.

 

Kaz turned his head and met Jesper’s eyes directly, onyx to iron irises. Jesper eased himself back to the ground, refilling both of their glasses.

 

“Then let’s make him pay, Kaz. I can’t… I’m not your brother. I didn’t know him, but if he was half as much an asshole as you, I bet I’d have liked him.” Jesper smiled a lazy grin, but he did not turn away from Kaz’s stare. He saw something ease in the other man’s expression, saw some sort of light spark in his inkwell irises.

 

“Jordie Rietveld would have liked you. And you are.” Kaz rasped as he turned his eyes back toward the garden. “My brother, I mean.”

 

It was a confession and a compliment wrapped in one sentence. It was a truth that Jesper had never expected to receive. He recognized the name Rietveld right away, it had been the name that Kaz had assigned to his Da when he’d posed as a kerch farmer, just before the auction of Kuwei Yul-Bo.

 

The ‘R’ tattoo on Kaz’s bicep. Rietveld.

 

Kaz had given Jesper his true name. Kaz had protected Jesper’s Da with his own name. Jesper had never been more surprised in his life, and yet, it was exactly what Kaz Brekker was known for, the surprise reveal. Kaz Brekker’s actions never lied.

 

No, Kaz Rietveld’s actions never lied. Jesper saw the difference. The difference between Dirtyhands and the man beneath the leather.

 

“Thank you.” Jesper said quietly. It was all that made sense.

 

It felt a little like forgiveness. Not for Jesper, but for Kaz. It felt like Kaz was forgiving something within himself, something ancient and cold, something he’d allowed Jesper to witness. Even as Kaz stared at the shed containing the Lion whose jaws had ripped out Jordie’s throat, he seemed to sit a little taller.

 

Kaz nodded once, but Jesper saw it. Saw the small smile tilting Kaz’s lips. Jesper smiled unabashedly as they tapped their tumblers together in silence, drinking in tandem.  

 

 The moment had passed, and yet the wind in the willow trees of the Van Eck garden would remember the voices of two brothers, the clink of whiskey glasses, and the shared sense of conviction that hung in the air around them.

 

Chapter 86: Water & Wildfire

Summary:

Barriers broken.

Notes:

Chapter 86!!!! (PLZ READ)

Okay. I'm here. I know I'm late, but it was for quality assurance. Yes. Seriously, that line. But it's the truth. GAHH. Okay, I'm nervous about this one. First off, You'll notice the spice label at the beginning and not find a cut afterward, that is because this chapter has a lot to do with their physical battles and it is all what i would label as "spice". Please don't let that turn you off, I really and truly just felt like this scene needed to be it's own chapter.

FOR THOSE WHO DON'T READ THE SPICE: I'm sorry. I know I normally have the spice attached to non-spicy portions, but this was 7k words alone and I needed to break it down how it made sense in my head. To make it up to you, I promise the following chapters are going to be good and plenty of non-spicy content. <3 ALSO, as always, if you skip this one, that's okay! You won't miss out on the story and everything will still make sense, I promise. I always want this story to be inclusive for all of my readers and having spice be in it's own chapter will not be a regular thing, I promise. We will return to my normal set up after this. I love you all, please forgive.<3

AHH. I'm so nervous for this one. It took me an extra two flipping days. Just know, my message has always been to convey healthy healing, sex is normal, and I have tried to hold the upmost respect for these characters journey's to closeness both physically and emotionally. I love them too much to break character. I hope you love it guys, I worked hard on this one. It felt really important to show these moments, so here we are. <3

ALSO. This story crossed 60k hits. On my last chapter, I thanked you all for 50k. Like. What. I don't comprehend. Thank you. Just... like? ????? Thank you. You are... frankly, you guys are stars in my little corner of the sky. Thank you.

Drop me a comment with what you think?????? I'm super nervous about this one and I'd really love to hear what you thought. <3 I'm in the process of getting back to everyone, just know if you left a comment, I haven't forgotten. It's just been slow between writing this, working on a chapter for the "Battles of Before", my own novel, and you know, life and such. Hahah. <3 Seriously though, I love you all. I'll shut up now.

 

"Find My Way Back" by Eric Arjes. <3 Just listen.

********** SPICE WARNING. Also, mentions of Rape (Inej’s trauma) just wanted to put that warning there in case anyone needed it. <3 Please read my notes regarding this chapter!!!*******

 

INEJ

 

            There was a light breeze flowing through the cracked window, kissing Inej’s cheek against the pillow when she awoke. The sheer white curtains were swashed in stray moon beams; it was still the middle of the night, perhaps three or four bells in the morning. Inej could just make out the echo of starlight from her position on her side. Inej sleepily recalled retiring to bed with Kaz earlier that night, when he’d come in from the terrace with Jesper. She’d fallen asleep on the sofa in the Van Eck living room, as she listened to Khalid, Rahul, Wylan, and Nina speaking softly. She knew there were a thousand questions behind her Grisha friend’s eyes, but thankfully, Khalid and Rahul had been happy to keep the conversation steered away from Inej, to speak about their lives in Ravka with Wylan. Inej and Nina would have time, but this night, Inej had been too tired. She’d eaten her waffles, drank copious amounts of water, and promptly fell asleep with her head against Nina’s shoulder. She remembered Kaz’s whisper against her ear rousing her, she barely remembered climbing the stairs with him by her side. She hoped she’d remembered to at least wish everyone a good night. She knew she’d at least managed to strip from Kaz’s sleep trousers before she’d crawled into the bed, but she’d been out in an instant. She thought she remembered the brush of Kaz’s lips on her cheek, but she’d just been so saints damned tired. A hanging could do that to a girl, she supposed. Though she’d been healed of all physical wounds, her body had still needed the bare essentials, water, food, sleep.

 

            Inej heard a huff of breath from behind her in the darkness, it sounded frustrated. A slight shift in the mattress told her he was uneasy. Kaz was awake, Inej could feel it. Hazily she rolled over to face him, pillowing her head on a hand. Kaz was on his back, eyes on the ceiling. She caught the reflection of the dim light from the window in his dark irises. His jawline was enchanting in her sleepy sort of state, harsh shadows painted from midnight’s brush strokes.

 

            “What is it?” Inej whispered as she traced his features with her eyes. Kaz turned his head and his eyes met her gaze.

 

            “Did I wake you?” Kaz muttered, his hand moved to run over the side of his head. Inej shook her head slightly, wondering if he’d been able to sleep at all.

 

            “Did you sleep?” Inej asked, she hoped he had. She knew he hadn’t in the past few days, his body was bound to give out on him eventually. She didn’t like that look on Kaz, when he pushed himself too far. He did it far too often for her taste, she wanted her avri healthy. Ravka had done wonders for him, she was sure of it.

 

            “I did. I collapsed almost as quickly as you, but I woke up about an hour ago, if I had to guess.” Kaz sighed as he rolled onto his side to face her.

 

            “What woke you?” Inej lifted her other hand from under the sheets and laid it for him between them, his own hand met hers easily, their fingers intertwining.

 

            Kaz’s eyes avoided her, looking past her shoulder toward the window. She felt the brush of his thumb over her hand. He took a deep breath. Inej took his silence as an answer.

 

            “He’ll be there when we wake up, mera chaar. Nothing to do right now.” Inej mumbled in reference to Pekka Rollins, their captive in the garden shed.

 

            “It wasn’t that that woke me.” Kaz admitted, she saw a swallow bob in his throat. Kaz was… anxious? Inej didn’t quite understand. She’d been poised to ask when he cut her off.

 

            “What woke you?” Kaz turned the question back on Inej. She felt her cheeks warm, grateful for the cover of night and the dimness of the bedroom. She had not intended to admit what had awoken her.

 

            Inej had been dreaming. Dreaming of Kaz. It was the first time she’d ever had dreams regarding flesh that had not been nightmares. In her dreams, she was free. She was free to be everything she could have been… no, would have been, if she’d not been sold into the Menagerie. In her dreams, Kaz was free, too. Free to kiss her from her lips to her thighs, and everything in between. She’d been free to undress him with ravenous hands. Inej hadn’t realized it, but she’d gotten used to… a little more freedom, physically, while they’d been in Ravka. She’d missed Kaz in all ways, they hadn’t been able to be close, physically, since two days before they’d left Aska Vasman. Inej had awoken hungry, for him. Her dreams had tempted her into reality; where Kaz’s smile was real, where his hands were nearby, and where the cinnamon and bourbon scent of him lingered on the sweater she wore.

 

            Inej had not wanted to admit it, but her body had woken her, begging for him. Her heart kicked in her chest, her eyes turned toward the wall instead of looking into his eyes. She didn’t know how to make her voice work.

 

            “You’re not looking at me.” Kaz rasped, Inej heard the smirk in his words rather than saw it.

 

            “You didn’t answer the question, either.” Inej retorted, biting on the inside of her cheek. She felt warm despite the breeze. Kaz was too far away on the bed, she realized. Why hadn’t he been closer when she woke? Was it just drifting as he’d slept, or was it a bad night for his own battles? Inej would understand if it were; Pekka was outside. The man who had set Kaz’s own nightmare into motion. Just because he could still hold her hand, did not mean he was doing well. Inej felt guilt flare in her chest, why was she thinking of him so explicitly, when she should be focused on a million other things? She should be scheming for Pekka with him, not internally begging him to undress her; to alleviate some of this heat flowing through her veins.

 

            Inej felt like wax reduced to a puddle beneath a flame, a flame so bright that she’d gladly continue to melt. She wanted. She didn’t know it could be like this. Of course Inej had longed for Kaz, many times before. Yet it was only in the past month that they had begun to test the boundaries, begun to break through together, physically. Inej wanted more, she wanted him and him alone. Never before had Inej felt like this; while Inej had had all of her firsts taken from her in the Menagerie, this was a first that had never been taken. The ability to wake up from a dream of the same man who shared her bed. The man she loved.

 

            “I didn’t. You’re right.” Kaz’s eyes turned to the ceiling and Inej felt his fingers squeeze her hand. He didn’t seem upset, only anxious, in a way Inej still couldn’t puzzle through.

 

            “A truth for a truth?” Inej whispered.

 

            Kaz’s lips tilted up and he turned his eyes back to her.

 

            Damn it. Why. Why did he look like that? His hair was messed up, his eyes soft. Inej would rather like to remove his clothes. It was not where her mind should have been.

 

            “I woke up because…” Kaz’s jaw clicked shut, his eyes traced over her face. She saw something pass over his features, something like embarrassment. He cooled his expression a moment too slow, Inej had already seen it.

 

            “Tell me, please.” Inej begged, her words felt slow on her lips. She didn’t know how she’d go back to sleep.

 

            Saints, I want him.

 

            “I woke up because I was… I was asleep, pressed against you. I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable, so I pulled away. I haven’t been able to… I was trying to go back to sleep.” Kaz answered, stumbling over every word. His eyes were focused on their linked hands, his lips set into a line. Inej was confused, she’d slept in his arms many times now, why would she have been uncomfortable? She voiced as much to Kaz, with a hopeful turn of her lips. She wanted him to be comfortable again.

 

            “I… I meant my body had reacted to our closeness, in my sleep. I didn’t want you to wake up and be reminded of the Menagerie, Inej.” His confession was a low whisper followed by a swallow. She saw the scrunch of his brows, his only tell of how much the confession cost him.

 

            Oh. Oh. Inej understood. She hated that he was right, that it very well could have brought those memories to her mind if she’d awoken and had… felt his hardness. She also couldn’t help the increase of her heart beat in her chest, how her skin warmed in invitation for his touch. How her own dreams had made her crave that exact reaction from him.

 

            “I wish you didn’t have to do that. I wish you weren’t right in pulling away. I wish… I wish I were different, Kaz.” Inej mumbled, sadness entered her voice without permission. It was true. She had wished a thousand times that she was free from the past, that they could be like anyone else, that they could already be undressed and hushing each other with kisses in this moonlight protected place. It was not them, though. Inej always reminded herself of this whenever she began to wish. It wouldn’t be their story without the darkness, Inej truly wouldn’t trade it for anything; though it didn’t mean she never wished for the ease couples like Jesper and Wylan had, or Khalid and Rahul.

 

            “I don’t. I don’t wish you were different. I wish it were easier, for both of us, sometimes. But I wouldn’t change a thing, if I’m honest. It’s worth it, with you. All of it.” Kaz muttered, he tugged on her hand and Inej found his eyes in the darkness. Kaz was being honest, open. She wanted to kiss him again. She smiled, genuine and unrestrained.

 

            “Your turn.” Kaz rasped in her silence.

 

            “I had extremely vivid dreams.” Inej answered vaguely, her cheeks aflame.

 

            “About?” He pushed.

 

            “You. All of you.” Inej whispered. She flicked her gaze back to his face, his eyebrows had raised, a smirk threatening to show face on his lips. Damn him. Inej took a deep breath, their eyes met once more.

 

            “You aren’t the only one, Inej.” Kaz mumbled, Inej swore she saw the ghost of a flush on his cheeks.

 

            Kaz had dreamt of her too? She wanted again.

 

            Saints, if it’s a sin to want him this much, then I’d rather be a sinner. Let me have this with him. Let me love him. Let him love me. Let us… let us conquer it all. I want a life, a life with the man made of miracles and marble. Let me love him as the Sea loves the Moon.

 

Let me meet him at the shore, let me kiss his light in the water.

 

“Is it wrong that I can’t think of anything else but you, right now?” Inej professed to him in the darkness. She would not avert her eyes now, she wanted him to know. She wanted to tell him with her eyes as much as her words what she felt. What she wanted. What it felt like she needed.

 

“No.” Kaz inched closer on the bed, his eyes not leaving hers. His gaze was heavy, pointed. It made her want him more.

 

“I want you.” Inej whispered, tightening her fingers on his hand.

 

“I never stop wanting you, mera nadra.” Kaz replied, he squeezed her hand once before he dropped it, only to shift himself closer yet. Inej shivered, shivered in her warmth. Shivered in anticipation.

 

She closed the distance between them, her lips seeking his in the dark. The moment their lips met, his arms were wrapping around her waist, pulling her flush to his chest, to all of him. A whimper escaped her lips when she felt the affect she’d had on him.

 

Kaz pulled away to kiss her neck, mumbling into her skin.

 

“I’ve not been able to stop wanting you since I first heard you laugh, Inej.”

 

She felt butterflies take flight in her stomach, his words held such honesty, such love, she couldn’t piece together in her mind how they’d gotten here. How she’d managed to find the love of her life in this city that had vowed to break her.

 

Kaz paused his kisses, pulling away slightly in the dark. Inej’s eyes fluttered open to see his brown eyes focused on the scar adorning her neck.

 

“Do you hate it?” Inej asked softly. She was confident in her decision to keep the scar; she’d meant what she’d said. She’d felt the wings, the wings of life, the wings of an acrobat, even as she’d swayed from the noose. It was a reminder, a reminder of her choice when it had presented itself. Inej had chosen life, she’d chosen to tell Death her time had not come. But, she was still just a woman. A woman who cared what her avri thought of her appearance, even if she’d never change the scar. It was like the one on her thigh, though for better reasons.

 

“No.” Kaz kissed his way along the thin white line on her skin. She nearly moaned before she remembered that they were not alone on this floor of the house anymore. While Wylan and Jesper resided on the top floor of the house, Nina was in the room down the hall from them. Khalid and Rahul right across the hall. She’d prefer not to have any knocks on their door from her noises. Noises Kaz was encouraging as his lips trailed her collar bone, slow and sneaking.

 

“It won’t make you remember this day, every time you look at it?” Inej asked, barely getting the words out. She needed to know, though. She wanted his mind in this moment.

 

“It will remind me of how you fought. How we fought. It will remind me of this day, but because it ended like this. It ended with us. Us together and alive.” Kaz punctuated his sentence with a kiss just above her heart through the sweater on her body.

 

“You’re being honest tonight.” Inej mused, her eyes fluttering shut again as Kaz’s hands smoothed over her sides.

 

“If you want honesty, darling, then I’ll give you some. I want to remove this sweater. Now.” Kaz’s tone was one Inej would remember. It was confident, confident in their ability to be in this place, unafraid. She loved it, she wanted to ravish him.

 

“Then do it.” Inej dared. She felt his chest reverberate in a raspy chuckle, the sweater rising over her abdomen in trickster hands. Inej lifted her upper half off the bed to assist him, the cashmere landed on the floor beside the bed with a dull thud. Inej wondered if they could try, try removing barriers at the same time. If Kaz would want to try, if he was ready to consider it.

 

Inej pulled slightly away just as Kaz began to lean in for another kiss, his hands were tracing over her sides, almost forcing her to lose her concentration.

 

“Can… can I take yours off?” Inej motioned with a wrist to Kaz’s t-shirt, still obscuring his chest from her sight. She wanted to see him. She wanted them to keep trying to get further. Her body protested her delay of having his lips against her skin.

 

Kaz took a breath, his eyes flicked down to his own shirt. She saw his hesitancy.

 

“If you aren’t ready, we wait.” Inej whispered, she wanted him to know. They’d made a deal. She would never push him, just as he would never push her. These were the choices they had to make individually, even when they were together.

 

“I want to try.” Kaz rasped, leaning in to place a tender kiss to the corner of her mouth. It was permission. Inej let her own hands wander along his sides, gentle strokes through his shirt. It was an idea; an idea of getting him used to the places she’d touch before she tried it on his bare skin. While she had touched his bare torso before, it had always been with her hands, never with her own chest pressed against him, she wanted to get him as relaxed as possible. His eyes fluttered shut as she grazed a hand over his chest, she noticed the hitch of his breath as she let her other hand lower to the waist band of his sleep trousers, teasingly.

 

Inej wanted to grin, she was learning which spots made his eyes flutter, which spots made him groan. She wanted to know all of it. All of him. She wanted to unlock him the way he’d picked her.

 

Inej leaned in to him, she pressed a kiss of her own to the edge of his jaw, letting her lips linger as her hands slowly began to raise the fabric of his shirt up his body. His breath hitched as it raised above his abdomen. Inej paused, but a slight shake of his head told her that his demons had not been what triggered his reaction. She had. Kaz lifted himself off the mattress, helping her pull the fabric over his head. Inej tossed his shirt to the pile of her sweater.

 

Kaz’s eyes opened, she kept the inches between their bare torsos as they faced each other. Kaz’s eyes flicked between them, his gaze catching on the rise and fall of her breasts, just as her own eyes outlined the toning of his stomach, the trail of raven hair that led down, down, down. Their eyes were free, and Inej would never get enough of the sight of him.

 

It was Kaz that moved first and brought his arms back to her waist, she caught the slight tremble in his motion. His eyes looked starved and terrified in equal measure. Inej understood. She didn’t know what it would be like, to feel all of him against her without a barrier. She’d only had the flesh prison of the Menagerie as a frame of reference.

 

“If we can’t, we try again. We don’t give up.” Inej whispered, whether for him or herself, she didn’t know. Kaz’s eyes shot back to hers, slivers of moonlight danced in his dark irises. He nodded as he leaned his forehead into hers, their eyes stayed locked as he pulled her closer. Her nipples grazed his chest, her body reacting with warmth in her veins. It felt… nice. Kaz pulled her closer, their chests flush together, their legs entwined beneath the sheets, still protected by Kaz’s sleep pants.

 

Kaz closed his eyes, she saw a tremor dance over him, a sharp swallow in his throat. It was not from pleasure. Inej began to pull away, but he tugged gently on her waist.

 

“Stay. Please, stay. I want, I can’t… just let me feel you.” Kaz’s words were rough, desperate. Inej stilled in his arms, letting one hand move cautiously to the nape of his neck where she rubbed a circle with her fingers into his scalp. She felt his shoulders loosen, just slightly. She knew this relaxed him, touches to his hair always did.

 

“Do you know how much I want you, Inej?” Kaz released a shaky breath, his forehead pressed against hers once more. She felt his hands splay on her lower back, keeping her close. She did not feel boxed in, she still felt free. It did not feel like the Menagerie, like the men who had trapped her.

 

Kaz had always made her feel free, because she was. He’d known it, and he’d given her freedom back to her when it had been taken. Kaz had left her wild, like the summer-blooming geraniums in the country side of Ravka. He’d never tried to alter or tame her. Never plucked her at the stem. He’d always just admired, grazed his fingers over her petals. She felt like she’d been bathed in sunshine under his lips.

 

“I can gauge slightly.” Inej tried with a soft smile, she could indeed feel the press of him. She wanted him to smile again. She couldn’t remember how many things she wanted. She’d wanted so much this night that it felt like an ache; an ache in her heart, an ache in her body.

 

“Yes, I suppose you can.” Kaz chuckled, broken and still holding a note of fear, but real. He opened his eyes, finally.

 

“Remember the line on my neck. Alive.” Inej whispered, a reassurance. She saw something loosen in his expression as he trailed her new scar with his eyes, a scar meant to represent her aliveness. Another reason she’d chosen to keep it. Not just for herself, but for him. Inej wanted him to know it. She saw the realization make its way into Kaz’s eyes, his arms tightened on her waist instead of loosening.

 

“You’re half naked in my arms and I’m not drowning.” A grin, full and beautiful, lit up Kaz Brekker’s face. There were chants of victory in each breath he took against her body. Inej felt it, too. She’d thought this might be where her past resurfaced, but she’d won. She’d kept her eyes on him. She’d inhaled him. She’d succeeded, once again.

 

They were healing. Slowly. Like a wildfire could nurture the soil back to health in the wake of devastation, their twin sparks of love were razing growth from their burned and blackened hearts. Each moment of passion, each battle of breath and skin, it all led them here. Led them to closeness. Led them to each other.

 

“And I’m still here.” Inej whispered, a grin of her own unfolding proudly on her lips. Kaz trailed his hand over her ribcage as they laid there, entangled and unafraid. Inej knew, she knew realistically that they’d still have bad days, wars lost. But this moment was the biggest battle won to date. She and Kaz were both half undressed and their skin was pressed together, and neither of them were adrift in voids or waves.

 

“I want to kiss you.” Kaz mumbled, his eyes tracing over her lips.

 

“Then kiss me.” Inej replied.

 

“I want to kiss you for a lifetime.” He whispered, something in his words was only to himself, his eyes widened, as if he’d not meant for the words to be let loose into the room. Inej didn’t understand, but her heart was already thrashing as he leaned into her. Kaz’s lips met hers and the rest of the world could have fallen out of the universe into the voids of eternity, and Inej Ghafa wouldn’t have been bothered enough to notice. Not when his lips moved against hers, not when his teeth grazed her lower lip, not when one of his hands had strayed so dangerously close to the line of her underwear.

 

She moaned when his finger slipped over the front of her center, teasing, tempting.

 

Oh, Saints. Kaz’s thumb was swirling over the most sensitive part of her, her skin was set ablaze everywhere they connected.

 

“Shhh.” Kaz mumbled against the shell of her ear, the noise sent warmth pooling between her thighs and shivers down her spine.

 

“If you want me to be quiet, you’re going to need to stop doing that.” Inej whimpered as he let one finger trace over the lines of fabric just inside her thigh. He was teasing her. Wicked, wicked, man.

 

“You want me to stop?” Kaz smirked against the skin of her throat, his movements ceased on her center, though his fingers did not leave her body.

 

She let her whimper of protest answer him.

 

“That’s what I thought,” Kaz nibbled at her neck through his words, his fingers returning to their soft sort of torture. Her hips bucked against his hand the moment he increased the pressure in his circles against that single spot.

 

“Can I try, try to… can I try to touch you…fully?” Kaz paused his movements once more, his breath hot and bated against her neck. Inej opened her eyes, she needed to see him. She was surprised. Inej hadn’t expected Kaz to want to try two new things in one night, but she supposed that, perhaps, he felt bold. He’d survived her chest against his. Maybe he wanted to reach for more while the victory was raw, like removing all your bandages and stitches in one sitting. Inej had survived, too. More than that. His skin against hers was thrilling in a new way, much like that first night in Aska Vasman when they’d crossed into new territory for the first time, she was eager for the future.

 

Inej was also afraid. She was terrified. No man had touched her with loving intentions. The only experiences she had to reflect on of bare hands touching her naked body below the waist were ones when her underwear had been torn off, memories of… everything being shoved into her body without her permission, an intrusion of her soul as much as her anatomy. It had hurt, more often than not. She hadn’t been… she’d not been ready. She desperately wanted to create new memories, with her avri. She wanted him to be the man to touch her, to love her in this way. Now, she was soaking wet, wanting Kaz with such fervor it was like flames in her veins…and yet, she was suddenly still in his arms.

 

Don’t vanish, Inej. Don’t. It’s Kaz. Kaz loves you. He hasn’t even tried to touch you beneath the fabric yet. He’s asking permission. You can tell him no, right now, and he won’t judge you. He won’t pull away. He’ll still love you. He won’t dare move unless you tell him to, one way or another. It’s not easy for him, either.

 

She wanted to tell him no.

 

She wanted to beg for his touch.

 

She didn’t know which she wanted more.

 

“Inej?” Kaz pulled away slightly, eyes searching her face. She knew she’d gone still and silent.

 

At the sight of his dark eyes, painted in moonlight and concerned affection, she made her choice.

 

“I need to see you.” Inej whispered, her cheeks felt warm. This was new territory, for both of them. They might both keel over. Kaz could end up vomiting. She might disappear under his fingertips. She didn’t know. All Inej knew was that she wanted to keep trying. Keep working on it. Together. If they didn’t succeed, they’d still learn. They’d keep working. Keep practicing.

 

Inej tightened her arms on him, her fingers idly tracing the ‘R’ tattoo on his bicep.

 

“If you aren’t ready, we can try another time.” Kaz’s eyes still searched her face, just as hers explored his. She’d said nearly the same thing to him only moments ago, she knew he was sincere, just as she had been regarding his own barriers. She saw the fear in his eyes, she knew why. Wet flesh was something even more terrifying to Kaz than dry flesh.

 

It was raising the stakes in this war against the past. It was like coming from the reserves of the army to the front lines in the trenches; armed with only your wit and courage.

 

“Is there ever a moment that anyone is ready for anything? I want you, Kaz. I want to try to get further with you, if you want to try with me. And if you end up sick and I end up a shadow on the wall of my mind, we’ll find our way back to each other. I’ll wield my knives, you’ll fire pistols, and we’ll win, eventually.” Inej said with more confidence than she’d expected to come from her lips. Her words did not waver, just as Kaz’s eyes did not divert from hers.

 

“Always.” Kaz pressed a kiss to her forehead, his arm around her waist pulled her closer still.

 

“Besides, I’m going to end up very frustrated if I don’t at least try and accept the opportunity to find out if your hands are in fact as dirty as your title claims.” Inej couldn’t help it, the joke fell from her lips like water. Kaz’s eyebrows raised, it clicked. She saw it happen. The dimple in his cheek appeared. Her own grin was smug and triumphant, it only aided in his laughing fit that followed.

 

His laughter lifted her spirits back into the sky. Butterflies soared through her belly when he muffled his laughs into her neck. She’d gotten him, good. She felt the reverberations from his chuckles in her own chest. She’d never tire of making Kaz Brekker well and truly laugh. The noise of his laughter would be the melody she’d claim as her favorite song, if she could. It showed Rietveld. His laugh showed her the farm boy from Lij, yet, it held the rasp of Brekker. She loved every note of this particular sonnet.

 

For a moment, Inej was the girl she would have been. Her fear was forgotten, replaced with the happiness and calm that could only be attributed to love. She was just a young woman of eighteen years, in bed with the man she loved. Making him laugh in between kisses and urgent moments of passion.

 

“Well, if I didn’t literally walk right into that one.” Kaz managed in his receding chuckles against the bare skin of her shoulder. Inej shimmied closer to him, his smile had only reminded her body of what she so desperately wanted.

 

“Kiss me, for Saints sake.” Inej chuckled, not concerning herself with covering up the pleading note in her voice. Kaz’s lips were back on hers before she could blink. 

 

It was like something had ignited. They were both burning in tandem. They couldn’t get close enough. Close enough wasn’t possible yet. Inej knew they’d get there. They would, it was no longer a question. No oppressing darkness, no cold water, no force in existence, was strong enough to extinguish their growing flames.

 

Wildfires ushered growth.

 

 

KAZ

 

            Inej.

 

            His hands couldn’t decide where to land, his mind couldn’t remember anything that wasn’t this. How had he gone so long, how had he stood in distant corners when she was right there?

 

Inej was here, in his arms. She’d hung from a noose and told the devil himself to go to hell. Inej had come back to him. She’d come home.

 

            He wanted.

 

            He nudged her gently to her back, not breaking their kiss. Her lips were nibbling at his and he could hardly recall what his plan had been.

 

His body was on fire for her, he was harder than he’d been in his entire life, but he ignored it. He wanted her.

 

            Right. He wanted to know. He wanted to feel her. Touch her. Love her better in this way than he ever had before.

 

            Kaz broke away from Inej’s lips, propping himself up with one elbow. She needed to see him, and he needed to see her. It was the only way he thought he might be able to do this. Kaz pressed a kiss to her jawline just as her eyes fluttered open. The light from the window cast galaxies into the blackness of her irises, and he saw only hope there.

 

            Hope. For both of them.

 

            How had he gotten here?

 

            Kaz maneuvered himself to sit up next to her, properly. Inej’s eyes held his as he ran his hands along her bare sides, he let his thumbs stray to her middle to run over the dark peaks of her breasts. His fingers itched to linger there, but he left her with only a swirl of his fingers under the gentle swells. Her back arched up, her body leaning into the touch.

 

            She was beautiful. Lovely and brave and better than anything he deserved.

 

            His body ached. Ached and ached and ached. He didn’t care. If he succeeded in this, that would be enough.

 

            Kaz moved to kneel, her legs parted for him to move between them. His knee groaned but he managed to shift most of his weight on one leg against the plush mattress.

 

            Thank Inej’s saints for Van Eck money and soft mattresses.

 

            Kaz had never in his life wanted more to be the man who could shed her last remaining piece of fabric and taste her. He couldn’t stop thinking about it. He wanted to know Inej, as no one else did. Just as he wanted only her to know him. He could admit it, now.

 

            His eyes were greedy as his hands touched over the tops of her thighs. Her skin was smooth and warm and so very much alive. He earned goosebumps from her skin as he let both hands trace over the slash of black fabric obscuring her center from him. Her eyes drifted shut for only a moment before her inky lashes lifted once more to him. He let his eyes ask the question as he hooked two fingers into the waistband of her underwear. A nod of her chin had him sliding the fabric off her body, she raised her hips to aid him, then he moved slightly out of the way, her legs balanced in the air as he slipped the last barrier from her body and tossed it to the ground with the rest of the clothes they’d discarded. Her legs settled neatly back around him, but still he held the tether to her eyes.

 

            It was a rule, for both of them. Permission, always. Especially with bare skin. Kaz saw Inej’s eyes dip low for a moment, catching on what he knew was the very obvious erection in his sleep trousers. Soon. Someday soon, he’d be shedding that last remaining barrier on his own body. Someday soon, he’d be able to rock into her and join their bodies as their souls already were.

 

            Someday soon, they’d be unafraid.

 

            Inej’s eyes lingered but she glanced to her own body, now entirely bare to him. It was permission. Kaz had seen her naked several times now, but Ghezen, never from this exact position. He thought his whole body might be made of glass and if she so much as touched him, he might shatter for her. His body certainly agreed.

 

            She was bare to him, her arousal as evident as his own. The inside of her thighs glistened in the dim light, the skin there was tantalizing and terrifying to him in equal measure. Kaz swallowed down desire. He wanted to be able to just touch her, intimately, without drowning. He didn’t know what he’d do if he ended up in the bathroom sick from this.

 

            Not for the first time, Kaz cursed his demons. Cursed the voices whispering in his ear that he was not man enough. That he’d never be able to love her like this. That wet flesh would suffocate him until the end of time, no matter how much he wanted her. Kaz couldn’t lose his nerve now, even if Inej would understand, he didn’t know if he could forgive himself if he didn’t try. He was ready to try. Inej was ready to try.

 

            Kaz moved away, back up the bed to lay beside her. He kept himself propped up on one elbow, she sighed into the kiss he leaned in for. His hand traced patterns over her middle, gripping lightly in her most delicate spots.

 

 

Inej was kissing his throat in that torturous way that made him question how anyone would rather be a saint than a sinner.

 

His hand trailed lower, a single finger brushing along her skin past the fine dust of dark curls that marked the apex of her thighs, her breath hitched as he nudged that bundle of nerves with a single knuckle, he was not afraid of this part, it was when he allowed his fingers to sink lower, that was the source of his fear. The source of his want. His cock was straining against the material of his pants, agonized in the brush of Inej’s hip against him. He couldn’t help the groan that left his lips when Inej gently sucked at his throat.

 

Damn her. He needed to focus on her, not on her. It made sense to him in his fogged haze of love and lust and sin far greater than greed.

 

“Look at me, love.” He mumbled, his voice almost foreign to himself, part pleading, part nerves. They both needed each other’s eyes for this.

 

Inej moved away from his neck, her eyes were wide and anxious, yet filled to the brim with the heat simmering between them. It was electric and gravitational and balanced. It was right; his very bones hummed in what could only be described as “rightness”. Inej was truth. They were truth. Honesty all-consuming and forged somehow for one another in this crooked world.

 

“Please.” Inej whimpered as he leaned his forehead against hers, surprised that he felt not a drop of revulsion from the slight sheen of sweat that had gathered on both of their brows after their kisses. It felt… it was Inej. It was life. He could only hope he could do the rest of what he hoped to accomplish with some measure of this ease.

 

Kaz took a deep breath as he swirled a single circle into her clit with that same knuckle. Her eyes did not leave his as he trailed a finger lower, against her folds that were slick, slick with her want for him.

 

She’s alive. This is what it means to be alive. This is what she meant when she told you not to equate her skin to bathwater. This is Inej. Your girl, your avri. Future. Wraith. Mera Nadra. Fiancée to be, if he could have his way. Inej Ghafa. Love of your tragic heart and violent life. She wants you, Brekker.

 

He kept his eyes open, even as his body went stiff, not in the ways of pleasure. Her eyes were protecting him, blocking out the corpses floating just behind her shoulders. Her eyelashes fluttered in a blink. Alive. Alive. Alive.

 

You thought you could do this?

 

Kaz blocked out his dead brother’s whispers, no, the whispers of demons, he corrected himself. He knew he’d frozen in his movements, his finger still rested against the wetness at her entrance. He hadn’t pulled away, but he hadn’t moved at all.How could she still want him?

 

“I love you, mera chaar.” Inej’s breath hit his chin where their breath intermingled. All thoughts ceased as Inej moved against his finger. It was movement. It was a reminder. Alive. She tilted her hips into his touch, seeking friction, seeking to bring him back. She was wet, he realized, but it was not cold water. She was warm and it was different. He wanted again.

 

“I love you, too. You’re still here.” Kaz breathed, feeling his limbs become mobile once more. The nausea began to settle, even as his stomach flipped in a much different sort of anticipation. His arousal had not died.

 

His body thought his mind was ridiculous. How could he not be ready to combust when the woman he loved, who was so devastatingly attractive, was naked and whispering for him to touch her?

 

“You told me not to slip away from you.” Inej whispered, a soft smile broke on her lips. It brought him back fully. He remembered when he’d said that. Inej had almost died then, but once more, life had prevailed. She was alive. Alive and here to reach a hand into the water for him. He hadn’t drowned. He breathed. He breathed in air tinged only with the taste of them, their love, their connection in all ways.

 

“Is this okay?” Kaz asked as he trailed his finger against her folds, savoring it. Savoring the taste of victory on his lips.

 

Inej nodded, still not moving her head from his, not letting her gaze move, either.

 

“We’re here.” Inej smiled again. It was that smile, the one that reminded him of life, of the sky and open spaces. Inej had won, too. It was that smile of triumph on her lips that emboldened him to nudge her to part for his finger. He had to know what she felt like. It was in the aftermath of victory, that Kaz had truly won. His thumb swirled into the bundle at her apex, his finger began to slowly enter her.

 

He’d not expected how tight she would be, around only his finger. How would it feel when they made love? He couldn’t fathom. He couldn’t breathe as she moaned his name. She was breathtaking, literally. How was he here?

 

In the room swashed in moonlight, Kaz kissed her. He kissed her and he kissed her and he kissed her. He kissed her and touched her until she crumbled beneath him, on him. He felt it, he was inside of her when she reached the peak and toppled over. He felt how she tightened, how her body sighed in pure ecstasy. She moaned ‘I love you’s’ into his neck and whimpered his name in between breaths.

 

It was more than he’d ever dreamed of.

 

He drowned in her. He drowned in his Sea, but this time, he could tread the water. This time, the water was home.

 

“I wasn’t sure you knew how to be loud, Inej, but I was wrong.” Kaz whispered against the shell of her ear as her waves receded. Her laugh was free and giddy, laced in sheer happiness.

 

“If we get any complaints at breakfast, I’m blaming you and telling Nina that your hands are in fact, dirty. Good luck with Jesper never shutting up. Not to mention the death threats from my cousin and Khalid.” Inej kissed the skin of his throat through her laughter.

 

The laugh. That’s the laugh.

 

 

 

 

 

INEJ

 

            She hadn’t vanished. She was here. She had felt every moment of Kaz’s touches. She wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else.

 

 

            Inej slept naked, in Kaz’s arms. She’d never felt more safe, free of armor.

Chapter 87: One Funeral

Summary:

Plans are set into motion. Pancakes?

Notes:

Chapter 87!!!!

AHHHHHH. ya'll. I'm so hyped. For this one. For the next one. I can't freaking wait. I'll keep this short and sweet, but I hope you love it. I hope you're excited. <3

Note, there is a little spice in the beginning, simply because I'm self indulgent and wanted to write the scene, but don't worry! Theres a full chapter afterward and you'll be fine if you skip, as always. <3 Love you all.

Thank you. You guys will never know how grateful I am for your support on this story, it's truly what's keeping me going right now and all of you are really whats putting a smile on my face right now. Someone told me there's been tiktoks made about this story and like.... what? You guys are the best, like i couldn't even believe that. It literally shook me. I can't thank you enough for the support. <3

I'm planning to get back to everyone later today so I hope you guys can forgive my slowness in the comment section, I've been writing like a maniac so I hope it will make up for my lateness a little bit <3

Drop me a comment with your thoughts! I hope you're as excited as I am.

"Here In Your Arms" by Abandoning Sunday *cover*. (this one isn't lyric related, more just the tone of breakfast, I guess. It might have just been because i listened to it while writing, but I just felt like it was soft and happy enough, ya know? Doesn't fit with the very end, though.)

***** Smutty content ahead! But don’t fret! You can skip this small portion and not miss out on the story! Just start the chapter below the cut. *******

 

 

KAZ

 

            The sun was streaming in through the curtains, bathing the bed in warm sunrays uncharacteristic to Ketterdam. Kaz’s nose was being tickled by inky tresses of Inej’s hair, his face was pressed into her bare shoulder. Kaz almost hummed in contentment, he felt not a drop of fear.

 

            The night before came back to him in flashes as he held Inej in the morning light, soft snores emanating from her form, her back rising and falling in deep and slumbered breaths.

 

            Inej was naked in his arms, he was shirtless and pressed against her, their legs entangled beneath the sheets. He almost wanted to lift the sheet just to remind himself that it was real. That he’d not drowned and died, and Inej hadn’t vanished beneath his fingertips. Kaz squinted his eyes open in the sun; Inej was stirring in his arms, one of which had fallen asleep under her head, little pin pricks of tapered blood flow dotted his nerves. He didn’t mind. Kaz would remember this morning every day for the rest of his life. He’d remember the night before, too. He’d touched Inej without barriers. He’d won. His demons were silent as he laughed in victory from within his cell of flesh and bone, mocking his jailors in the wake of his triumph.

 

            He’d taken this mess of scars and blood that he’d become, and turned it into something resembling a man. A man for her. A man for himself. The harder the war waged, sweeter was the nectar of victory.

 

            “Morning, lover.” Inej mumbled as she began to shift in his arms to face him. Kaz felt a flutter flow from his stomach through his lungs. Lover. Inej had never used that term of endearment before. He liked it. He liked it from her lips. He loosened his arms around her and she rolled to face him, her head ducking into his bare chest against the morning light.

 

            “Good morning, Inej.” Kaz smiled as he pressed a delicate kiss to her temple, noticing her knotted hair and the flutter of heavy eyelashes. Inej in the morning was something no other person was privy to, and Kaz felt like the greatest conman this world had ever seen. Somehow, he was the one to be privilege to her sleepy smiles and morning yawns of contentment. It was beautiful, beautiful in the way dragonflies were beautiful. Dragonflies never lingered long, but if you got close enough to see their wings… it was something you’d never forget. Kaz would know, he’d caught one and set it free as a boy on the farm in Lij. Inej had wings, too. He’d seen them.

 

            He’d gone soft, and he didn’t care. Not with her.

 

            “That was fun.” Inej mumbled against his chest in reference to their middle of the night activities. Kaz couldn’t help the smugness that pulled his lips into a grin. It was fun. It was normal. It was right. Kaz peered down to Inej as her hands grazed over his sides, she was sneaking her arms around his waist, hugging him closer. He’d aid her efforts. He scooted closer to her and he felt her smile against his skin.

 

            “If I didn’t know any better, love, I’d say you’re trying to repeat said events.” Kaz quipped as he drew lazy circles on her back with his fingers.

 

            “Never opposed to that, though, I do recall falling asleep rather quickly. I’m not one to let myself be shown up. I believe I have a score to settle.” Inej was kissing along his chest now, he felt her eyelashes graze his skin.

 

            Oh.

 

Kaz’s eyes shut as she moved against him, kissing him gently. He felt her eyes on his face, but he couldn’t help the groan that escaped his lips as Inej dipped her hands lower on his body, her finger tracing the line of his sleep pants under the sheets.

 

            Kaz made himself open his eyes, made himself pull back slightly to look at her. He wanted her to know that she owed him nothing, last night may not have ended in release for Kaz in that way, but the high of their triumph had been plenty, for him. He didn’t care what his body said. He’d wanted to do it, for Inej, for both of them.

 

            “You don’t owe my anything, mera nadra.” Kaz whispered, his eyes catching hers. His breath hitched when the sunrays caught her eyes at the perfect angle, swirls of sparkling copper waves kissed the black sand islands of her pupils. He was reminded, suddenly, that he should shut his saints-damned mouth. He couldn’t, he wanted Inej to know he never expected a single thing of her.

 

Then, Inej laughed. Her eyes bright and her cheeks flushed and Kaz fell all over again in the span of a heartbeat.

 

            “Kaz, maybe I chose my words poorly. I want to do what I’m doing, not for any other reason than the fact that you haunted my dreams and I wish to make you understand exactly how many things I wish to do to you, as well. This is not a one-way road.” Inej smiled as she propped herself up on an elbow, the sheet fell from her chest and displayed her nakedness to him. Every primal part of him urged to reach out and touch. Touch and touch and touch.

 

            His Demons had had the tables turned on them. Kaz couldn’t seem to get enough of her. Kaz had spent so long, wanting solitude, to never feel skin against his. Now it was all he could think of. He had a million other things he needed to do today, schemes he’d formed with Jesper on the back terrace, but right now, Inej was here. It was already different than the morning before, yesterday, he’d been hunting her down. Praying to her Saints for her life.

 

            Inej quirked a dark eyebrow in his silence, a smirk playing on her mouth.

 

            “I’m yours.” Kaz mumbled, honest and urgent. Inej didn’t hesitate to resume her kisses to his bare chest. Kaz didn’t understand how she could make his whole body relax with a simple press of her lips, but as she trailed kisses from his navel to his neck, he felt at peace. Her hands were tracing his sides and he had no desire to pull away. It was all still so new, even the feeling shrouding his entire heart.

 

            Kaz Brekker was happy. It was pure and undiluted and shimmering in the soft sunrays of a February morning.

 

            Inej pushed closer into his side as her teeth nibbled just below his ear, that spot that made his vision go white in want. Goosebumps raised on his arms as her hand traced over his thigh through his pants.

 

            “I didn’t think you’d object.” Inej whispered against his ear as he shivered, shivered in pleasure alone.

 

            Kaz couldn’t remember the words to give her a retort, not as she brushed her fingertips over the outline of his cock through his pants. Not as she teased him as he ached for her. His arousal had returned with a vengeance after the night they’d shared. He wanted her. He’d let her do anything she wished to him right now, anything he could give without drowning, she could have. Inej.

 

            “Inej,” He said in a whisper that was half moan and half begging for mercy. Her lips silenced him as she palmed him fully through the thin fabric of his trousers, stroking him gently from shaft to hilt.

 

            “Remember how you told me to be quiet, mera chaar?” Inej whispered against his lips, his hips bucked to meet her hand without his permission. This was not going to last long. Not if she kept moving her hand so sinfully.

 

Kaz lost himself in her lips, lost himself in the envelopment of her arms. Lost himself in love, unafraid.

 

            Kaz was not quiet, when all was said and done. Neither was she, when he had indeed repeated his actions of the night before. They’d needed this reunion as much as the others, and Kaz felt utter contentment despite the captive in the garden shed and the violence this day promised. Two bells and several rounds later, they both decided to drag themselves from the warmth of the sheets and each other. Now, it was eight bells in the morning, and Kaz suspected they’d be receiving knocks on the door soon enough.

 

            This was peace, Kaz realized, as he watched Inej stretch naked beside the bed, her bronze skin swashed in sunlight, her eyes bright and so, so, alive. This was love. This was life.

 

He needed to ask Jesper if he could manipulate gold, a gold ring, to be precise. Kaz had plans for Pekka, then, Kaz had a scheme to end the solitude. Kaz also had a building to check on. Wylan had pulled him aside last night before he’d awoken Inej to go to bed, and Wylan said it was finished.

 

Right on time.

 

******* End of Smutty content! *******

 

 

JESPER

 

            Wearing black was odd. He’d put on a black suit today, his own version of a united front with Kaz. Jesper spun in front of the mirror in his and Wylan’s room, and he had to admit, black looked good. He’d never tell Brekker. Kaz would never let him live it down. Jesper plucked up a purple satin pocket square from his dresser, displaying his pop of color neatly in the breast pocket of his blazer. Kaz might not even notice the small show of kindness Jesper was trying to make, but he couldn’t stop himself from doing it anyways. Kaz had actually shared his feelings last night, no matter how little. Jesper wanted to do something to show what it meant to him, in the day ahead. Jesper had also spent an hour with Kaz on the back terrace of the mansion last night, formulating a plan for Pekka Rollins.

 

As far as Jesper knew, Kaz hadn’t even shared his plans for the Dime Lion with Inej, but then again, the wraith had nearly died the day before. Best not to shock her heart too quickly.

 

Jesper and Kaz’s planning time had been cut short though, due to Kaz’s constant looks back over his shoulder toward the house, toward Inej. Jesper hadn’t minded, he would have lost his shit if Wylan had been strung up, he probably wouldn’t have let Wylan out of his sight. Kaz had only needed a gentle prod before Jesper had gotten him back into the house and to Inej, who had fallen asleep on Nina’s shoulder with her hand wrapped around Khalid’s. Jesper didn’t quite know what to make of the full house, but whatever this strange little group of people was, he loved it. He liked how this morning when he’d awoken, Wylan was already pulling on a sweater, a beaming smile on his freckle-kissed face, mumbling plans for a grand sort of breakfast. This was something Jesper had learned since he’d moved into the Van Eck mansion with his merchling; Wylan loved to host. Wylan loved seeing drinks poured, loved having laughter in the air. Jesper loved him. Jesper loved this life of his, he still didn’t know how he’d gotten so lucky.

 

Maybe it was when he’d stopped betting on fortune’s good graces at the tables that Lady Luck had finally noticed him in the corner.

 

“You look dashing.” A voice came from the doorway of the master suite. Jesper flicked his gaze to the reflection in the mirror to see Wylan leaning in the doorway, auburn hair mussed as if he’d run his hands through it, a bright smile on his lips.

 

“I do, don’t I?” Jesper winked into the mirror as he straightened his blazer sleeves.

 

“And you’re wearing black?” Wylan chuckled as Jesper walked to him, pressing a kiss into his pale forehead as he passed him.

 

“It’s for Kaz. Don’t tell him.” Jesper grinned as he slipped on his shoes and began lacing them as he sat at the end of their bed.

 

“Should I be running to Inej to tell her that you’re getting dressed up for her man?” Wylan smirked, blue eyes tinged in amusement.

 

“Absolutely, merchling. Despite that he’s like my brother, Kaz is all cuddles and I’m leaving you this instant. I decided I hate color and prefer the Barrel to this wreck of a place.” Jesper chirped and Wylan was set off in a fit of giggles. Jesper noticed a spot of what looked to be flour on Wylan’s dark trousers. He’d been in the kitchen himself? Ghezen save them.

 

“My mother returns from the Country house tomorrow, I wonder how she’ll handle the influx of people.” Wylan said softly as he rolled the sleeves of his sweater up. Jesper knew Marya could very well be slightly overwhelmed, but she’d been getting better. The day before Kaz and Rahul had shown up, Marya had departed on a visit to see Wylan’s step mother, Alys, and younger sister in the country side, and when she’d left, Jesper had asked her permission.

 

Jesper had asked Marya’s permission to ask Wylan to marry him. She had beamed and seemed more lucid than he’d ever seen the red headed woman who meant so much to the merchling. Jesper had agonized over this decision for almost a year, but he was certain. Every day spent with Wylan, whether working on the Van Eck empire, plans for the college in the University, or even just slow dancing in the living room, Jesper grew more certain that he’d found true love. These were the type of things he believed in, now.

 

 He truly was Zowa, blessed beyond imagination.

 

“She’ll be fine, you worry wort.” Jesper smiled as he waltzed to Wylan and wrapped his arms around the boy who made his heart hammer like a revolver once the trigger was pulled. He felt Wylan move his head in a concession deeming nod against his chest.

 

“Breakfast is ready?” Jesper asked, mumbling into auburn curls that were so soft he could have let his head rest there for the rest of the damned day.

 

“Yes.” Wylan pulled away, sapphire eyes ablaze with the return of excitement, the worries for his mother forgotten.

 

“Lead the way, host man.” Jesper quipped, reaching for Wylan’s pale fingers.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jesper and Wylan were not the first to enter the dining room, Khalid and Rahul were both situated at the table, somewhat awkwardly, Jesper wondered if they preferred the floor, like Inej said was customary with her people. Light was streaming in from the windows from behind the table and Jesper was hit with the scent of bacon from the kitchen, thankfully, it seemed Wylan had had Irene, the cook, prepare the meal instead of attempting it himself.

 

The Merchling had many talents, but it seemed the kitchen was one sort of laboratory the demolitionist should be permanently barred from. He must have gotten the flour on his pants when he’d ordered the meal.

 

Jesper and Wylan exchanged good mornings with the two suli men they barely knew, but Jesper excused himself to check on the shed locks. Pekka should still be out, but he wanted to make sure.

 

Several minutes later, Jesper was at ease, knowing the locks had not been tampered with, and he was able to find Pekka still knocked out and chained up on the dirt ground of the shed. He felt his shoulders relax slightly, even as his fingers buzzed with unreleased energy.

 

Jesper opened the glass doors to return the group in the Dining room, only to find Nina had joined, her hair pulled away from her face, a loose tunic and baggy pants adorning her frame. Jesper felt a smile inch onto his face, Nina Zenik, his glorious sarcastic friend. He’d missed her, terribly. He couldn’t wait to hear how she’d gotten here, why she was here. He still couldn’t quite believe it. Inej might have been dead if Nina hadn’t shown up, and Jesper couldn’t be more grateful.

 

“Nina, dove, a vision in the morning as always.” Jesper quipped with a grin as he moved to sit next to Wylan, leaving the chair beside him empty, same as the chair across from him on Nina’s left. They were waiting for two more Crows to come for the pecking of breakfast.

 

“Oh, hush. You know how much I hate mornings, Fahey. Also, what the hell? Did Kaz puke on you? A black suit?” Nina squinted her eyes as she filled a mug with coffee. Jesper heard Khalid chuckle under his breath, perhaps Jesper needed to know Inej’s “best friend” better. He seemed to get the joke, but then again, Jesper supposed Kaz had spent a month in Ravka, presumably around these men. Jesper couldn’t wait to hear Inej’s stories of that entire event. It had to be something to behold, Kaz Brekker amongst the suli people, in all of his suits and Ketterdam grit and wit.

 

“I think he looks great, though I might puke on you, Zenik.” Kaz’s rasp sounded from the doorway of the dining room, he leaned against the frame, a certain amusement in his dark eyes as he looked onto the group of people at the breakfast table. He was clad in black, tie straight, though Jesper noticed the slight bruise marring Kaz’s throat just above the collar of his shirt. Oh, Inej.

 

Despite Kaz’s sarcasm, Jesper grinned. Kaz had noticed his gesture.

 

“Oh don’t you dare, Brekker. If anyone is going to puke, it’s me. Don’t you know that not all walls are soundproof?” Nina hurled a wadded up napkin over her shoulder in Kaz’s direction, which he dodged easily just as the Corpse Witch turned her glare to Dirtyhands.

 

Jesper choked on laughter at the grin that unfolded on Kaz’s lips. It was purely satisfied, and not shy in the slightest. Good for you, Brekker. Get yours.

 

“That would be all his fault and not mine in the slightest.” Inej came from behind Kaz on silent feet, her hand brushing on Kaz’s shoulder as she passed. It was still so strange, to see Kaz Brekker lean into touches, from anyone. But the moment Inej entered, Kaz’s shoulders eased almost imperceptibly. Like he’d been waiting for her. Like he’d always waited for her.

 

“Sure, Inej. Perhaps what I heard at three bells this morning that was not your fault, which, by the way, good to know you’re being taken care of,” Nina winked. “But this morning, I sincerely doubt that was Kaz’s doing, based on the flush on your cheeks.” Nina chuckled as Inej flushed further, brushing her long braid over her shoulder with a huff. The Wraith pulled out a chair at the table.

 

“Glad I was asleep for that.” Rahul mumbled and Inej tossed her cousin an apologetic smile. Kaz avoided Rahul’s eyes entirely but Khalid was laughing softly, grinning at Inej.

 

“That was definitely her fault, I’m innocent.” Kaz shrugged as he limped around the table, taking up the seat beside Jesper.

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that, was that blame on my shoulders, Kaz Brekker?” Inej narrowed her eyes on Kaz as she filled her cup with coffee. Jesper couldn’t hold back his laughter as Kaz averted his eyes from Inej in a show of careful avoidance of a scolding.

 

“Saints, Inej, you’ve domesticated him.” Nina cackled, her green eyes squinting in laughter.

 

“That implies I was once feral, which, I take direct offense to. Have you seen how I dress?” Kaz quipped.

 

“For Saints-sake Kaz, you ripped out a man’s eye ball with an oyster knife. Feral.” Wylan was beside himself in laughter, choking on the words as he pointed a finger in Kaz’s direction. Khalid and Rahul both paused with quirked heads, but based on their not completely surprised reactions, Jesper suspected they had some idea what Kaz was capable of.

 

Inej raised her eyebrows in Kaz’s direction, surprised. It was then that Jesper realized Inej had been bleeding below-decks when Kaz had ripped out Oomen’s eye. Kaz had ripped out that eye because Inej had been hurt. Inej knew Kaz had killed the man, but she’d not seen him go… well, feral.

 

Jesper had never seen Kaz Brekker flush, but in this moment a pink flush dusted his pale cheeks as he flicked an invisible piece of lint from his blazer.

 

“You did what, now?” Inej laughed, clearly amused.

 

“It was nothing.” Kaz mumbled, reaching for the coffee pot.

 

“Was not nothing. You went feral.” Jesper added his own confirmation. He felt the jab of the end of Kaz’s cane in the top of his foot.

 

“I mean, Kaz has always been peachy and we enjoy his company very much.” Jesper grimaced, though Kaz did not apply much pressure.

 

“You did not just do that.” Inej laughed and Jesper saw Kaz’s eyes flare in amusement. Inej had missed nothing, she never did. The weight of a cane left his foot under the table.

 

“I may have ripped out one eye. I left the other in perfect condition though, that way he could see all the fish on his way to the bottom of the sea.” Kaz said coyly, lips quirked.

 

“How thoughtful.” Wylan laughed, lifting one of the domed hoods over the trays on the center of the table.

 

“What. Is. That.” Nina grimaced as Wylan displayed the platter of pancakes.

 

“A pancake.” Khalid responded with a question in his green eyes. Jesper snorted, Khalid and Rahul had a lot to learn.

 

“Nina, it’s… I ordered pancakes.” Wylan grinned sheepishly.

 

“Waffles. I like waffles. Who hurt you, Wylan Van Eck? Why would you do this to me? What did I do to you?” Nina sighed, a dramatic frown on her lips.

 

“I’ll take you to waffles for lunch.” Inej laid a hand on Nina’s shoulder, a front against the opposing breakfast food.

 

“Are they not almost the same thing?” Khalid asked.

 

Nina gaped at the suli man, a gasp escaped her lips. Jesper couldn’t hold back his laughter any longer.

 

“Inej, how can you know this man?”

 

“Hey, I’ve known her far longer than any of you.” Khalid chuckled with raised hands in a surrender.

 

“I’m related to her.” Rahul added as he piled his plate with pancakes.

 

“I-” Kaz began, his jaw clicked shut with a smirk as Inej turned her eyes on him.

 

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence.” Inej mumbled with faux sternness, eyes dancing with sheer mischief.

 

“I doubt I was going to say what you thought I was going to say.” Kaz smirked. It was… Kaz seemed different, somehow. Jesper hadn’t seen it right away, since when Kaz had first returned, Inej had been in danger, but… he seemed, lighter now, somehow. He was still every inch a bastard of the barrel, but yet, he seemed… happy. Jesper had never seen it before. He liked it for his brother. Jesper liked happy on all of them.

 

“Be glad I do not have my knives on right now, or we’d have words, Kaz.” Inej smiled innocently, reaching for a piece of bacon off another platter. A ripple of laughter danced around the room. Jesper felt Wylan’s hand on his knee, a squeeze. Wylan was happy, too.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Conversations began, breakfast was piled onto plates. Jesper listened as Inej told Nina that they’d have time to catch up today, watched as Nina tossed small pieces of bacon to the white wolf on the floor, the white wolf who Jesper observed was a very good girl. He’d already decided he liked her.

 

Then, only half way through the meal, there was a knock on the front door of the mansion. Jesper knew what it was, he folded his napkin with a glance to Kaz who was doing the same. Ignoring the looks of confusion, they both stood.

 

“Were we expecting someone?” Wylan mused, Jesper noted Inej and Kaz’s silent conversation. Inej looked confused, but trusting as Kaz flicked up his cane. Jesper patted the sides of his blazer, finding the comforting weight of his revolvers, already in their holsters at his hips.

 

The maid, Elena, opened the door to the dining room, ushering in a man in his fifties, a man with tattoos on his face and a worn out blazer above crimson trousers. He had a gangly face and less teeth than fingers, he carried a leather satchel in inked hands, swirls of both faded and new designs.

 

Jesper knew him. His name was Rand, a tattoo artist. A tattoo artist who had given Jesper his own ink, his only ink. The Crow and Cup.

 

“Pardon, Anika sent me, boss.” Rand said in a gruff voice, eyes only looking at Kaz. Not even bothering to take in the room.

 

“I know you. You do the Crow and Cup.” Wylan gasped, eyes flicking down to the gang symbol on his forearm. Inej was tilting her head in confusion.

 

“That I do, lad. Did yours, I reckon. Show me the way to the flesh and I’ll start proddin’.” Rand replied, hefting his satchel higher on his arm.

 

“This way.” Kaz rasped, every bit Dirtyhands. No trace of the man who’d smiled only minutes before. The mask had slipped on, but for once, Jesper had seen under it.

 

Kaz didn’t say a word, only left Inej with a parting glance as he led Rand out the doors toward the garden in the morning sun. Jesper was poised to follow, but he hesitated, turning back to the group left in confusion.

 

“He’s putting the Crow and Cup on Pekka.” Inej stated, her mouth agape; clearly Kaz hadn’t spoken to his partner of his plans at all, yet. Jesper heard Wylan and Nina gasp in tandem. Khalid and Rahul both were lost completely, if their faces told Jesper anything.

 

“Pekka’s walking through Dime Lions territory tonight. Unarmed.” Jesper mumbled, his gaze shifting out the window toward Kaz on the garden path. He walked with purpose, Rand towing behind him.

 

“I wore black because there will be a funeral, but not a single mourner.” Jesper said softly, already walking out the terrace doors into the billowing light of the early Spring day.

 

 

 

 

KAZ

 

            Brick by brick.

Chapter 88: To Grow & Bend

Summary:

Inej deals with the after math of near death.

Notes:

Chapter 88!!!

Okay ya'll, originally, I wasn't going to include this chapter and thought maybe I'd leave it for the deleted scenes after DWOD ends, but honestly, it felt important. I wrote it and realized it needed to be included here, because, frankly, Inej didn't get out of a hanging without very real effects, at least under the surface. It felt important to her and I needed to include it, and also I just thought it made the most sense to be placed here, and also the moments with Kaz. We have a lot of Kaz POV coming up (obvs) so I just wanted to make it clear that Inej is dealing with her own demons. (lol I'm so clever, no?)

Anyways, I know I'm keeping you in suspense. It'll be worth it. All the next chapters, they will be worth it, I promise. <3

ALSO. I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for your patience with me lately. I know i'm slow getting back in the comments and on tumblr and etc, but I just want you to know that I'm doing my best and your patience has been so appreciated while I write and also do the "real life" thing. (gross I know) Anyways, just thank you. For the support, the patience. All of it. I love you all. <33

Drop me a comment with what you think! I am (and i cannot stress this enough) so ready for what is coming up. I say it a lot, but to hint, some of the next chapters were the original ideas I had for this story. It's taken this long to be able to write them. I'm pumped. <33

"You Got Me" by Olivia Lane (The lyrics. LIKE THE LYRICS. for this chapter)

 

INEJ

 

            Inej swirled cream into her coffee with a spoon, the little ring of silver hitting ceramic sounded far way. Inej’s eyes were focused elsewhere, out the window to the back garden. She was vaguely aware of Wylan and Nina speaking softly. Khalid and Rahul were both listening but clearly confused. Inej was too, though in different ways.

 

            Kaz hadn’t told her he’d made plans. He had every opportunity this morning to do so, yet he’d said nothing. Inej was hurt. She’d thought this part of them had been a thing of the past, the part with secrets and omissions. She had assumed she would be privy to these schemes in particular. This thing with Pekka Rollins had been a decade in the making, and Inej knew why. She’d just believed her avri would want to share these plans with her, would want her to help, even.

 

            A timid and self-aware thing of a voice in the back of her mind whispered to her to think with her mind and not try to force her heart to be an organ of thought. If Inej was self-reflective enough, she understood why Kaz hadn’t said anything. She’d hung from a noose yesterday after spending a week in captivity. He hadn’t wanted to put her through more than necessary in the less-than twenty-four bells since she’d been healed, though surprisingly, Inej wished for the time when Kaz would have thrown it all at her anyways, like he had after he rescued her from Jan Van Eck. Though, even if Inej did know everything as to why Pekka Rollins deserved to die, the reasons behind the obvious, this was still Kaz’s fight. This was his life, a part that she’d not been involved in. She couldn’t blame him for holding his cards close to his chest, even from her. Kaz was finally going to have his chance at revenge, and Inej wanted it for him.

 

            Inej wanted this door to slam shut for Kaz, wanted him to win this battle, so that they could move forward, together, to whatever life lay ahead. It was not as if there wouldn’t be many more wars, further people to rip down; people like Tante Heleen, Kane De Vries… but perhaps this vengeance would allow Kaz to set down the stone at the head of his brother’s grave. This was a headstone Kaz had carried on his shoulders since he was a nine-year-old boy. Inej wanted that closure for Kaz, she wanted it for the spirit of a kerch boy she’d never had the chance to meet, Jordie Rietveld.

 

            It didn’t mean she hadn’t wanted to help Kaz end it, hadn’t wanted him to want her help. She felt both righteous in her feelings and also guilty. It was a wire she’d prefer not to toe. She’d have patience. Perhaps Kaz would tell her his plans once he came inside, she needed to have faith in her avri. She knew it.  She cast her insecure thoughts aside as she sipped her coffee, wondering if Jesper knew much more than herself. He hadn’t returned from the shed, either.

 

            “You look like someone dumped sour-tasting medicine in your coffee, little cousin.” Rahul’s timber voice broke through to Inej as he moved into the chair across from her at the table, obstructing her view of the garden and effectively pushing Inej out of her thoughts. Inej smiled softly at her cousin’s use of suli; she took in his warm eyes and soft cheekbones, so similar to her own. She hadn’t the chance to really speak to him since they’d reunited; guilt began to roar in her chest. Khalid and Rahul shouldn’t have been in Ketterdam at all, they’d been sucked into this world against their wills, simply because she and Kaz had been near. Inej suddenly wanted to cry, wanted to apologize for a lifetime.

 

            She was not as alright as she’d thought.Inej was always two things, iron posture and iron will. She tapped into the latter to keep her eyes from over flowing.

 

            “I- I want to apologize, but I can’t even begin to find the right words, Rahul. I don’t think there have been words invented for the guilt I feel that you and Khalid… that you are even here. You were supposed to be starting your classes in Os Kervo, not trekking to Ketterdam to save your husband from mine and Kaz’s enemies.” Inej whispered in suli, her eyes growing very watery indeed.

 

            Rahul’s dark eyes softened, the eyes of a doctor, Inej realized. He was going to do so many wonderful things, this cousin of hers. 

 

            “No. I was not supposed to be here, but you know what? I’m kind of happy I am. Arba ke chora telyu.” Our chords were still tied together, our time not yet over.

 

            “But Uncle Rajesh, Nani, my parents… they all must be torn apart. You were supposed to return to Aska Vasman in a few days, it’s been over a week now. They must be worried sick.” Inej reached out and Rahul’s hands gripped hers in the center of the table.

 

            “Before Kaz and I got on that vessel that brought us here, I got a message back to the performance tents, I told them Khalid and I had elected to return to Ketterdam with you and Kaz, told them the classes I needed were too full, I had to wait until the next semester began to complete my certifications. It was a lie, but since we are both safe, I’m glad to know they won’t be worried.” Rahul smiled encouragingly, Inej knew this smile well. Rahul had given her the same smile when they were children and Inej had been frustrated when she couldn’t master a trick on the wire. It was a smile that told her to keep going, a smile that reminded her that bad things happen, and that is okay. Life will continue. Rahul, despite being only two years Inej’s senior, was always so much wiser than the rest of them. Soft spoken and shy, yet brave and loud in his every action. Rahul had never shied away from his own choices, from his hand in life, no matter what it may be.

 

            Inej had always admired him, and in this moment, she remembered exactly why. She couldn’t be more grateful for this man before her, her own blood and flesh.

 

            “What a wise soul you have.” Inej whispered in suli as Rahul squeezed her hands.

 

            “That’s why the Saints made me your family.” Rahul returned with a grin.

 

            “Do you need me to find you both transport back to Os Kervo? I’m sure I can cough out a few kruge to get you a luxury cabin on a ship after this mess.” Inej chuckled, in the corner of her eye, she saw Khalid and Wylan both sitting on the floor across the dining room, a wiggling Trassel belly up for scratches under their eager hands. Nina was laughing and chopping up little scraps of bacon for her companion. Inej was thankful for their happiness, for this moment of privacy with her cousin.

 

            “Actually, I think we might stay a few weeks. Jesper and Wylan offered us the room upstairs and we figured… well, we’ve never left Ravka. Never had a trip together after our wedding. Maybe we’ll even go gambling in that club your avri owns.” Rahul grinned and Inej felt her heart swell impossibly in her chest. They weren’t leaving. Khalid and Rahul would be here for some time yet. Inej hadn’t expected the Saints to shine on her like this.

 

            Thank you, Sankta Alina, for this patch of sunshine in the gray.

 

            “If you stay for three or four weeks, I will sail you home myself.” Inej beamed at the thought of the Sea breeze on her face. She couldn’t wait to check on The Wraith. To see Specht and Greer, Quin and Mira. Her crew.

 

            “It would be an honor, Captain Inej Ghafa.” Rahul matched her smile.

 

            Perhaps, Inej thought, she’d been right about miracles all along. Miracles worked in strange ways; just when you thought the sky couldn’t get blacker, the moon would peak through the curtains of night. Just when you thought the ship might sink, the Sea would calm, and offer salvation in her waves.

 

            Inej was familiar with these little drops of miraculous wonder now. The Moon in his black suits and crooked white grin, the flame eater with spirit made blaze, a Zowa sharpshooter who painted the world in color, the future doctor with a smile like medicine, a flautist with a heart of gold and eyes of blue, a Corpse Witch filled with life.

 

These people were Inej Ghafa’s miracles.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Inej had excused herself after breakfast, much to Nina’s dismay, but Inej had plans to have time with her soon. Today, Inej was free, she would have lunch with Nina, she would finally have the time to tell her friend everything, and respectively, find out why Nina was here, where she had been. Inej just didn’t know what the night would entail, the thoughts kept swimming around her head, eager for release. She wanted Kaz to seek her out. She could have slipped outside, but Kaz would have known if she approached the shed. He always knew, somehow. Infuriating man.

 

Inej let out a huff of air as she shut the door to her room, intent on packing up her things so they would be ready to be returned to the attic at the Slat, Inej knew Kaz needed to get back, and she had every intention of joining him. Perhaps only twenty minutes later, the maid Elena brought Inej and Kaz’s freshly laundered clothes in a basket. Inej hadn’t even realized they were missing, Kaz must have ordered their clothes washed. Infuriating he might be, but his mind always worked ahead of her own. She loved him for it.

 

Inej tried her best to keep her eyes from the window that looked over the back garden as she folded up her clothes back into her bag from Ravka, lost herself in a meditation that was entirely domestic, if only for a moment. The thoughts kept coming back. She felt like a bowstring, stretched to its limits. She hadn’t slept enough. Hadn’t done enough. It felt overwhelming in a way Inej was not used to. She never felt unhinged, but here she was, confused and hurting her own feelings.

 

“You don’t have to pack my things.” Kaz’s voice sounded from the doorway, she hadn’t heard him approach from her cross legged position on the bed. Inej looked up and found him shutting the door, something in the set of his shoulders told Inej he was far away. She could feel it, the distance between Kaz and his skin. It was something she’d been able to recognize for quite some time, when Kaz was operating without really being present, his mind occupied with greater things than the world around him. Schemes.

 

“I figured I could help in this way if not any other.” Inej mumbled with more bite than she intended as she cast aside a pair of folded leggings. She hadn’t meant to snap, but something was loose in her chest. She wanted to be included, yet she hadn’t been. Dirtyhands had schemed without the Wraith.

 

“Fine.” Kaz muttered, not sparing her a glance as he walked to the window, pulling back the sheer curtains to look on to the shed once more. His voice held no emotion whatsoever, no bite and equally lacking in warmth. It was as if he’d not even noticed she’d been irritated.

 

It irritated her more.

 

“That’s it then? No plans to be shared?” Inej simmered as she stood from the bed, imploring him with her eyes on his back to turn around and face her. She knew, she knew she was being unreasonable, and yet she was angry. She didn’t think it was with him, not really, she thought maybe it was unresolved anger at the entire week prior, at Pekka Rollins and all he’d done. She didn’t intend for Kaz to be the target of her rage, but she damned well felt like he could at least look at her, at least raise the courage to tell her he did not want to share these plans with her. Something in him had changed since he’d left the breakfast table, a different facet of himself slipped into position with as much ease as when he shuffled a deck of cards. Inej could see it clearly, feel it along the chords of invisible connection between them.

 

“What do you want me to say, Inej?” Kaz whispered, finally turning from the window. His eyes were flat, dark water pools Inej had seen a thousand times. She wanted to see the man from this morning, her avri, the person who shared it all with her. She didn’t want the secrets to return just because they’d arrived back in Ketterdam. Ravka had shown her so much more of Kaz than she’d ever dreamed to glimpse, she didn’t want to be locked out now simply because he’d returned to his Court of Crows and Cobblestones. She felt anger burden her chest. She’d been able to set aside the feeling at breakfast, but now… the feeling demanded to be acknowledged.

 

“I want you to tell me what I’m doing to help. I want you to look at me and not through me right now, Kaz.” Inej sighed, knotting her hands in front of herself. She felt raw and weak. She wanted her knives. She wanted some semblance of the Captain she was to return to the surface. A sharp edged realization dug into her skull. It was too much.

 

She’d been a victim again. She’d been taken captive, again. She was the Wraith, the Wraith always slipped away. She had become a nightmare on these city streets, a phantom of shadow.

 

Shadows were never meant to be caught in the hands of men.

 

No wonder Kaz didn’t want her help. She’d proven she could be caught. This mission was too important to him to allow a single weak link. Of course that was it.

 

Inej’s demons came out screaming and stretching in freshly forged rage, and she was left standing in the midst of their cries; not knowing which voice to listen to, which orders to heed and which to disobey.

 

Kaz blinked at her, a muscle ticked in his jaw as his eyes assessed her. He was waiting for her; she saw that much in his eyes. He sensed she had more to say, and Inej didn’t know how to get the words out. She wanted to yell, she wanted to sob. Courage reached out a hand to the words in her throat, yanking them up.

 

“Just tell me. Tell me why you don’t want me to help. I need to hear it.” Inej whispered, she felt her eyes water but she held her chin high, forcing the scraps of her strength to hold her posture with pride.

 

“Why don’t you tell me what you think my answer to that would be.” Kaz said gruffly, his leather clad hands tightened on the crows head of his cane. He was angry. Inej was poking at the embers, and she knew it wasn’t fair. She had to tell him anyways. Then she needed to hear it confirmed from his lips. Her demons cheered her on with roars of certainty. Kaz didn’t want her help.

 

“Because I got caught, Kaz! I got caught. I let you down. I let Khalid down. I fucking failed! What use is a spider who gets caught in webs?” Inej cursed as the tears fell down her cheeks, her hands raised and fell in exasperation. She felt shame thicken in her throat.

 

There it was, out on the table. Now Kaz would know she knew as well as he did that she’d failed. That she understood why he’d pick Jesper to assist him with Pekka instead of herself. She was the weak link, now.

 

All at once, it looked like someone had slapped Kaz Brekker across the face. His eyes widened, his head quirked with lightning speed. Why did he look confused? Inej’s vision blurred as more tears began to escape, her hands tried to wipe them away but they kept falling. It was all too much.

 

She’d failed. She’d failed. She’d failed.

 

“Inej. No.” Kaz was leaning his cane against the vanity table, his movements fluid and precise.

 

“What do you mean, ‘no’? I did, Kaz! I told myself I’d never fall victim to men like that again, and I did. I did.” Inej cried, her voice shook with rage and so much sorrow. Sorrow she’d tried to ignore since she’d awoken in the hold of Pekka’s ship, of Kane’s ship. She’d tried to cast it away, but there was no denying it now. She’d let herself only feel the joy of so much reunion, but here it was. The scars below the real one on her neck.

 

Kaz was before her now, she didn’t stop him as he wrapped his arms around her, as he pulled her to his chest, her tears falling freely onto his blazer. She’d fallen apart. She couldn’t reach the pieces on the ground of the hollow chamber in her chest.

 

“I’m sorry.” She choked, she knew Kaz should be thinking of his brother, of taking Pekka out, but she needed him. She was falling off a cliff she’d sworn she’d never have to scale the face of again. She had promised her fourteen-year-old self that she’d never get taken again. This was so different than when Jan Van Eck had captured her, she couldn’t blame herself then. A flying grisha had taken her. This time, she’d been put in the dark hold of a ship again.

 

Maybe the noose had taken a piece of her to the next life after all.

 

“No. I don’t accept your apology.” Kaz’s murmur was against her hair, he’d enveloped her completely. It was as she’d once asked.

 

Hold me together, Kaz.

 

Inej didn’t know how long he stood there, how long she drained her eyes against his chest; how long he kept all her pieces snug against him, his hands rubbing her lower back.

 

Kaz loved puzzles. Maybe he could figure this one out for her. Where her strength had gone. Why she wasn’t standing tall and triumphant. Maybe he would stage a heist and steal it back for her from the other side of the gallows.

 

“I am no good at this, Inej. But I want you to listen while I try.” Kaz pulled away from her, once her eyes were swollen but no longer wet. She had nothing left. At the sight of his eyes, open and void of walls once more, she moved her head in a nod.

 

“You are not weak. You did not fail. You did not yield to Death. You are here as proof. Do I wish I could take it back for you? You have no idea. I am not the man who can offer you a proverb, Ghezen knows you have enough of those, but I am who can offer you the chance to pick yourself back up. You did not stop fighting. You survived a noose, Inej,” He paused to tilt her chin up to him, his fingers cool and tender on her grief flushed face. “I don’t even know how you did it. I can’t wait to find out, because I don’t know that I would have. You schemed. You stood up there and with presumably your last moments on this earth, you still schemed to get Khalid out of that square alive. You, Inej Ghafa, are strength incarnate. You are brave, cunning, annoyingly religious to a fault, and single handedly the smartest person I’ve ever encountered. You will stand up from this, and tonight, you will be with me. I have to end this, Inej. I have to. I was going to ask you, if you wanted to be there. Or if you’d rather, you can have waffles with Nina or go to a fucking art gallery with Wylan for all I care, but it is always your choice. I hadn’t told you yet because I was selfish. I was selfish because I saw you smile this morning and I wasn’t ready to taint it with Pekka Rollins.” Kaz finished, his eyes begging her to believe him.

 

Kaz Rietveld had given her the words she hadn’t been able to find within herself. He was better at this than he gave himself credit for. Something stuttered in her chest, a piece of her resolve being lifted from the ground and placed gently back in its proper place around her heart.  

 

She didn’t have words for it. No proverb, nothing, had prepared her for the brace of Kaz’s words around her spirit.

 

Sometimes, to grow, you needed to twist your roots, lift your branches at uncomfortable angles toward the sky. Sometimes, growth would feel like breaking, first.

 

She stared at him, saw the words repeated in his tea and honey eyes.

 

“I think you are better at this than I am.” Inej said brokenly through a chuckle. Her chest expanded in a deep breath.

 

“Obviously, I’m a quick study.” Kaz quipped, his lips inching into a smirk only for her.

 

“Oh no, I didn’t mean to feed your ego.” Inej laughed, her tear streaked cheeks feeling less sunken from the smile on her lips. She hugged him closer once more, leaning her head into his chest. She felt his chin rest atop of her head.

 

“Too late. I want it in writing, darling, that you said I’m better at navigating tears than you are.”

 

“No. I’m not giving you that leverage to use on me twenty years from now.” Inej smiled, it was a smile only for herself. He didn’t see it. She felt him tug her closer still.

 

She was still scarred, but, it didn’t make her any less the woman she was before this week. Pekka Rollins would pay. Kane De Vries would pay. Tante Heleen would pay. Inej would stand up. She’d still navigate the Sea with justice in her veins. She’d walk the rooftops of Ketterdam with the claws of a cat, the balance of one, too.

 

She was still scarred, still in pain, still human, and still healing. It didn’t make her any less Inej Ghafa. Any less Wraith. Any less Captain.

 

“Do you want to hear the plan?” Kaz whispered, his rock salt rasp dragging with the promise of a scheme.

 

Inej felt her spine straighten. She rolled her shoulders back as she pulled away from him, holding her head high, Death’s necklace on her throat displayed proudly. She liked it that way. She was alive and Death had bowed to her will, just as Gravity had. Inej Ghafa may bend, but she never broke.

 

“Let’s hear it.” Inej smiled, every bit the grin of a Wraith.

 

Pekka Rollins would still receive the second cut. He should have listened to her.

Chapter 89: The Merchling & The King

Summary:

A punch is thrown.

Notes:

Chapter 89!!

Hi everyone, sorry for the lateness. I really hope you love this one, I almost left it out, because it's actually a small scene, but I really loved it and decided to include it. I hope you love it, too. Also, to make up for the suspense, I should have another chapter up in only a few hours. Can you believe that? Anyways, hope you enjoy. <3

Also, please send good vibes my way. My Godfather passed away completely unexpectedly yesterday, and he was pretty much my dad as my own passed away when I was young. I could use any good vibes you can send, I just wanted to explain why I'm so late posting today, and thank you for your patience. I'll be alright, I'm just picking up the pieces and this story is honestly my motivation right now, it's keeping me holding my chin up, along with all of you. Thank you, as always, for every bit of support and patience. I just wanted you all to understand.

I'm replying to comments after I upload this, so if you haven't heard back from me, I hope to get back to you soon. Thank you a million times over, for everything. You are all wonderful humans and I can't express my gratitude as this story continues to receive support. <3

Let me know what you think in the comments! Stay tuned for more, as I'm writing the next two and one should be up shortly after this one!

"Enemies" by Shinedown. (Wylan's outburst. I happened to be listening to it as I wrote, and I just f*cking loved it with the sequence) Please listen. <3

 

INEJ

 

            Pekka Rollins was sputtering through a gag in the garden shed. His face was tailored, but Inej recognized the glint in his eyes. He was fuming, and afraid. Good, Inej thought to herself as she watched him. She didn’t need to question where Kaz had ordered the crow and cup on Pekka’s skin, his forearm was bared by a rolled up sleeve, Arman had already healed any sign that the ink had only just been laid. The Dregs were as much Rollin’s flesh as Kaz’s rage was in his.

 

Jesper was beside her and Kaz was standing above his captive, every line of him seemed sharper. Kaz was all steeled edges, sharpened to stain the world crimson. He’d told her his plans for Pekka. Inej was not exactly pleased with his choices, but she had seen the look in his eye. She’d heard his desperation in his words when she’d told him he was being reckless. Dangerous.

 

            “I need to know you trust me with this, Inej. Believe in me.” Kaz had whispered to her, his voice dragging and bumping in payment for words he’d never have once voiced to her. Inej hadn’t been able to argue with him further, but she hadn’t held back when she’d told him he couldn’t stop her from interfering if his life was in danger tonight. He hadn’t agreed to that. He hadn’t deigned her with an acknowledgement. His eyes had gone flat, armored. He’d left the room without another word. They hadn’t spoken since, and that was two bells ago. She wasn’t entirely sure why he couldn’t accept that from her.

 

            Her heart felt heavy. She didn’t know how to bridge the gap between them, how to make him understand. Kaz Brekker would have put her first if she’d been the one planning on doing what Kaz was going to do, tonight. He needed to either hold her to the same standard with understanding, or decide he wouldn’t put her first. She knew he wouldn’t choose the latter, she believed that now. She also knew why Kaz didn’t want interference, this was his last stand for Jordie. She understood that, but his brother’s long-since-past death, was not worth Kaz’s life. Inej wanted this vengeance for him, but she would not lose him to it if it came down to it.

 

            You wouldn’t want that either, would you Jordie?

 

            She would flood Ketterdam with the innards of the corrupt before her avri was taken from her. The thought didn’t scare her as it once would have. She was Inej Ghafa, and she would wield her love even as she spilled death. Kaz Brekker would not be lost on her watch, she was the Wraith, watching over Dirtyhands from above as she always had, as she always would. She couldn’t imagine a world without him. It was like imagining a world without a moon in the sky.

 

Inej heard Nina and Wylan enter the shed behind where she leaned against the wall, she was decked in her knives and the threads of a spy once more. It would be hours before Kaz enacted his plans tonight, but Arman had awoken Pekka only for Kaz to order water and a piece of bread forced down the man’s throat. Arman had kept Pekka’s pulse slow enough that the Dime Lion hadn’t been able to fight back. The healer was still nearby, somewhere outside the shed in the garden. Kaz had ordered him out, but to stay near. Inej knew Kaz was savoring Pekka’s awareness, savoring his every pitiful movement.

 

Inej felt no pity. She didn’t think the Saints were frowning, either. No tears fell from the sky, despite the promise of an afternoon storm over Ketterdam.

 

“What about his son?” Jesper asked, as Nina and Wylan came to stand beside them. Inej saw Wylan lay a hand on Jesper’s twitching fingers, the motion made Jesper’s shoulders ease.

 

Nina and Wylan had heard the plan, at least the bones of it, only thirty minutes’ prior in the sitting room of the mansion. Khalid and Rahul had excused themselves to their room, and Inej was grateful they hadn’t heard. They didn’t need to be involved in this world of revenge, Inej knew they didn’t wish to be, and she didn’t want it for them, either. When Kaz had finished telling Wylan and Nina just what he was going to do, Nina had been the one to ask, with a shaky breath that was uncharacteristic of the confidence Nina wore like a crown. The grisha had been nervous to ask Kaz what was clear to everyone in the room. Inej had seen it in the squint of her friend’s bright green eyes.

 

“This is more than a bid for the throne of Ketterdam. What did he do to you, Brekker?”

 

Inej had tensed the moment the question left Nina’s lips. Wylan had looked at Kaz with the same trepidation, as if he’d asked Kaz himself. Jesper’s fingers had tapped at his sides, and Inej had met his silver gaze from across the room. In that moment, Inej realized that Jesper knew. Jesper at least knew somewhat, Kaz must have told him. Inej didn’t understand, but she and Jesper were both ready to jump in front of Kaz, as if to shield him from the loss of Jordie. It was ridiculous, and yet, it wasn’t at all. Jesper was Kaz’s closest friend besides herself, and he wanted to protect him. Inej did, too. She didn’t blame Nina and Wylan for wanting to know, but it was Kaz alone who could make the choice to be brave enough to voice these truths to the rest of their most trusted circle.

 

“It doesn’t matter.” Kaz had answered flatly, already disappearing through the door to the dining room, headed for the garden.

 

“Saints, I just thought if he doesn’t make it out of this scheme of his maybe he’d have wanted us to know the truth.” Nina breathed in frustration.

 

Inej had winced. Kaz would not fall. Pekka had not succeeded the first time, nor any other time. Kaz would win. Kaz wouldn’t die. Inej couldn’t handle the thought. Nina had seen her reaction and was already offering an apology, but Inej had been on her feet and gone before they saw her break. Tears had fallen for a second time that morning, Inej had been alone in an abandoned corner of the laundry room of the mansion. Kaz was being reckless, again. If Pekka had just listened. If he’d just fucking listened to her, Kaz wouldn’t be doing this. At least, not this day. Inej sighed and she made a choice.

 

 She’d rolled her shoulders back and dusted her tears away. She would not be weak today, she’d had enough of weakness. She was Inej Ghafa. She would not break.

 

“His son will live with his mother whom Rotty found in a Pleasure House on West Stave. The mother that the boy believed to be dead. They will have every cent that Pekka has accrued in order to live off, I’ve already made that transfer with the help of Anika and Specht, including the deed to Pekka’s country house. Good thing Specht is an excellent forger of documents.” Kaz answered, his eyes on Rollins the entire time. So that’s where Kaz had been up until a bell ago. She’d known he’d left the mansion after he walked out on her. Pekka’s eyes widened and he gurgled against the gag in his mouth again, Inej didn’t miss the way Rollins’ eyes bore into her, knowing she’d been to that same country house in the dead of night to threaten him, once. Kaz’s cane was being held in a vice grip of leather. Kaz wanted to swing, Inej saw it in the set of his shoulders.

 

Surprise rippled through Inej, sheer waves of shock. Kaz had made plans for Pekka’s son. Pekka’s son’s mother was alive. Of course she was. Pekka had wanted to groom his son into a prodigy of the Barrel, so he’d cast aside the boy’s mother into the ruthlessness of a pleasure house, her purpose fulfilled. The Kaelish Prince; there was no queen mentioned. Inej’s breath hitched when in the corner of her eye, there was a sharp movement of maroon cashmere and auburn hair.

 

No one had been prepared for Wylan Van Eck. Inej had never seen the ginger move with as much determination, had never seen the rage so bright in his sapphire eyes. Jesper hadn’t been able to move fast enough to stop him. Inej didn’t know if Jesper would have even been able to restrain him if he’d wanted to.

 

Wylan Van Eck had moved across the shed in a span of a blink, blue flames licking in his irises.

 

Inej had seen many punches thrown during her time in Ketterdam, naturally. She’d seen even more on the Sea, thrown many of those punches herself, against slavers. She had never seen a hit land as swiftly and precisely as Wylan Van Eck’s fist against the jaw of Pekka Rollins. Inej didn’t think even Kaz himself had ever landed such a perfect punch. She didn’t know where Wylan had gotten the brass knuckles that caught the light, but his fist connected with Pekka’s jaw so smoothly, that the crack of broken bone was like the pop of a cork from the bubbly celebratory wine served in the casinos on the staves.

 

Inej’s eyes flickered to Kaz, who stood beside Wylan and Pekka, his mouth slightly agape. Kaz hadn’t seen Wylan coming, either. That much was evident. Kaz hadn’t been able to stop Wylan and clearly had no intention of doing so now. Nina let out a gasp on the end of a surprised yelp. Jesper’s jaw was slack, his eyes burning into Wylan with obvious shock.

 

Pekka was moaning in the wake of a broken jaw, his eyes were glittering as he straightened his neck to look a fuming Wylan in the eyes. Wylan’s shoulders mirrored Kaz’s from only moments ago, his stance sharp and menacing in a way Inej had never seen in the young mercher before, she’d thought it was something Barrel born. She was clearly wrong.

 

“Tell you what, Pekka Rollins,” Wylan’s voice drawled, it was a wavering thing, fragile. His hands shot out and grabbed the bound Pekka by his shirt, pale freckled fingers twisted violently in the fabric. The captive unable to do anything but accept the assault as he was dragged closer to Wylan’s face.

 

Wylan’s voice was fragile like a hand grenade. Fragile in its restraint, like a single finger wrapped around the trigger, poised to shoot. Wylan’s brand of delicateness in this moment was the kind that hinted to if even so much more as a feather fell to the roof of his glass house, utter destruction would follow.

 

Wylan Van Eck spoke like Kaz Brekker himself.

 

“Your son will live every day of his life being better off without you. He’s young enough. Your memory will fade as he learns what it means to be a man. A man instead of whatever you are. Don’t worry though, you still have your legacy amongst the Stadwatch and the Merchant council, right? They remember how you stood up in the midst of chaos during the auction of Kuwei Yul-Bo. How you assisted this city, right?” Wylan sounded calm. Too calm, based on his knuckles in Pekka’s navy shirt. It was the calm that promised a storm, Inej saw it in Wylan’s sky blue eyes that had grown treacherous with storm clouds. Pekka blinked, hatred in his gaze.

 

Inej looked to Kaz, his dark eyes were focused solely on Wylan, she saw something simmering underneath his look. Something akin to smugness, maybe even pride. Inej understood, she too was happy to let Wylan take first blood. However unexpected it may be.

 

“Wrong. You will have nothing, even in death. You know who is in this room? Myself, Wylan Van Eck, technically, I’m the head of the merchant council now, did you know that? Dear old father can’t commandeer this city from Hellgate. The Mercher’s may have been in your pocket yesterday and may not respect me yet, but tomorrow is a luxury that I have and you do not. I will eradicate you from even the backs of their minds. I’m young. I’m rich. I’m a fucking survivor, Pekka, and you won’t be. The Barrel? Well, best leave that to Kaz. Best leave your life to him, too. Him and I? We run this fucking town, both halves, and you won’t even be a whisper in the taverns by the time we’re through. No one, not even your son, will remember the Dime Lion. He’ll better for it. They’ll all remember the Dregs, though. They’ll remember my empire; they’ll remember Kaz’s. We’re building it on your bones, you piece of shit.” Wylan snarled, dropping his hold on Pekka’s shirt and the man collapsed to the ground, hitting his broken jaw on the ground.

 

Wylan took one deep breath and dropped the brass knuckles back into his pocket. Inej had never seen Wylan Van Eck tremble in anger, but here he was. His rage was blistering against her skin, too big for this room. Inej knew why. Jan Van Eck had told Wylan his mother was dead, and only after Kaz had sent him in the right direction, had Wylan found her in the sanitarium with Jesper. Marya was very much alive, just as Pekka’s son’s mother was.

 

It was the same sad story all over again, son ripped from mother because of a father’s greed.

 

“Love,” Jesper called to his partner softly, taking a step forward toward Wylan’s back. Inej felt Nina reach for her hand at her side. Inej squeezed.

 

“If you want me to blow anything up tonight, let me know.” Wylan said to Kaz lowly, almost under his breath.

 

“I thought you had stopped building bombs.” Kaz smirked and Wylan huffed an impossibly small laugh.

 

“You rubbed off on me. I’ll always be Dregs, too.” Wylan glared once more at Pekka before brushing past Jesper and exiting the shed, presumably to cool off before he tried to take another swing.

 

Inej realized then, that what Wylan had said to Pekka was true. Kaz was King of criminals, Wylan the Lord presiding over Ketterdam’s wealth. Ketterdam was under the end of Kaz’s cane, aided by a Merchling’s respect and friendship.

 

Jesper turned his head to look back at the door, and the retreating Wylan, worry etched onto his face.

 

“Go.” Kaz said simply, already calling for Arman to come back in and put Pekka under.

 

That was all Jesper needed, he was already out the door. A blur of black suit and umber skin, pushing past Arman on his way in, movements solely focused on getting to Wylan. Inej and Nina looked on as Arman sank Pekka back into unconsciousness.

 

“Are we still going for lunch?” Nina asked Inej quietly as Kaz spoke in hushed words with Arman on the other side of the shed, checking the locks on the chains holding Pekka to a post.

 

Inej glanced back to Kaz, watching his gloved fingers adjust the locks. She wanted to go with Nina, to have these moments of peace before this night. She wanted to enjoy her time with her friend, unburdened, but she also wanted to know exactly what was needed of her tonight, what Kaz needed from her as his avri. Kaz hadn’t given her that. She wanted to walk this bridge between them, he’d scarcely looked at her since he’d walked out of her room two bells ago.

 

She hadn’t called after him, and she should have. Inej knew she would have wanted him to call after her, it was an unfair standard of her own, she realized with a pang of guilt to her chest.

 

“I’ll meet you inside in half a bell?” Inej smiled slightly as Nina gripped her shoulder with a nod and a small grin. Nina already knew Inej wanted to speak with Kaz, it was clear as Nina turned her green eyes to glare in Kaz’s direction before she exited the shed. Kaz had ignored the Corpse Witch’s eyes entirely as he mumbled something to Arman before the healer also passed Inej on his way out.

 

Kaz moved to walk out, too. Ignoring Inej’s eyes.

 

“Kaz.” Inej sighed before he reached the door behind her. She couldn’t let him go in silence, her heart demanded a resolution.

 

“What, Wraith?” He bit, gloved hand already on the handle to the door.

 

“Tell me what happened. Tell me why you walked out, don’t just shut me out. Especially not today. Please.” Inej implored him with her words and eyes, his head turned to look at her over his shoulder, eyes hard and lips tight, and yet, there was something less armored in his face. She saw him run his hand over the sheered side of his head, a silent breath passed over his chest.

 

“Why did you assume you’d need to interfere tonight?” Kaz turned to face her fully now, light was streaming in from cracks in the wood of the wall, haloing him in the dust motes swimming in the air. Inej saw something she’d not seen in his expression, at least, never so clearly. Kaz was hurt. Kaz had been hurt, by her. His shoulders were squared defensively, but his eyes were tracing over her greedily, like he wished to extract her thoughts from her brain with his gaze alone.

 

“I… I didn’t mean to convey I thought I’d need to interfere.” Inej stuttered in surprise, thinking back on the conversation in her room. She had acted as if Kaz would fail, she realized. Even if it had not been her intention, she’d been blinded with fear for his life. “That’s why you left, not because I said I would interfere if it came to it, but because you thought I’d assumed you’d fail. You thought I didn’t believe in you.” Inej finished the realization aloud, regret pounding on her chest with insistent knocks.

 

Kaz was silent, but his chin dipped only once. Kaz was still Kaz, but this was progress. Kaz was openly communicating with her that she’d miss-stepped, that she’d hurt him with her words. Even if it was only a nod, it was more than he’d ever have conceded in the past. She saw him tighten his hand over the head of his cane, his nerves shining through with only that small gesture.

 

“Mati en sheva yelu, Kaz. It was not my intention to make it seem as if I didn’t believe in you. I was… I was afraid. I couldn’t imagine watching from above if he,” Inej paused with a jut of her finger to the unconscious Pekka in the corner, “got a lethal strike on you. I… after yesterday, I didn’t want to think of one of us under his gun again.” Inej voiced, willing her confidence and genuine regret into each word. Kaz was watching her with shark eyes, but she saw no armor there.

 

“I won’t fail, Inej. I won’t tell you not to interfere if I’m going to die, but I can tell you I won’t want you to. This is my fight; this is… this was his fight.” Kaz mumbled, brows furrowed as he looked on to Pekka on the ground over her shoulder. Inej knew Kaz meant Jordie. She saw the pain spill into his eyes before he blinked it away.

 

“This is our fight. I carry some of it, and I suspect Jesper carries it, too. Let us go into battle as equals, mera chaar.” Inej stepped closer, walking the bridge between them with hopes he’d meet her in the center.

 

Kaz sighed but he took a step forward to meet her, dragging his gaze from Pekka to look her in the eye.

 

“I forgive you.” Kaz said as he opened his arms to her, she didn’t hesitate to wrap her own around his middle, rubbing her fingers over his back above his blazer.

 

“I’m going out with Nina to lunch. When are we sending him out?” Inej asked against his chest, relishing in the patterns Kaz was drawing over her shoulders with gloved fingers.

 

“Ten bells. I have a meeting with Rotty and Anika in an hour.”

 

“So you’ve already been back to the Barrel?” Inej asked in surprise. She supposed he had, since he’d left the mansion after their disagreement before returning.

 

“I have. They all know I’m back. They know we’re both back.” Kaz said, in reference to the entirety of the Dregs.

 

“Both of us?” Inej tilted her head back to look at him, confused. Anika and Rotty knew she was here, obviously, they’d helped get her out of the Exchange, even if Inej hadn’t actually seen Anika since her return. But why would the rest of the Dregs know? Why would Kaz have shared that with them?

 

“We’re out, Inej. Had you not realized?” Kaz’s lips were threatening a smirk. Inej didn’t understand.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“The Dregs were kept out of the Exchange, save for Rotty and Arman. I had no control over the rest of the gangs, much to my power hungry dismay I might add, but the Blacktips were there in the crowd, some Liddies. Razorgulls. Half the Barrel turned out for your hanging, just as the Ketterdam elite.” Kaz was watching her, waiting for her to connect pieces that she wasn’t yet grasping.

 

Kaz was smirking fully, now.

 

“Inej, half the city saw me scream when they pulled the lever to hang you, and after, Pekka shouted my name. He pointed me out. Even if I was tailored, the city saw me. Heard my name in association with yours. Our secret relationship is no longer a secret in the Barrel, Inej.” Kaz said.

 

Inej’s brows might have reached her hairline, her eyes widened.

 

What? Why wasn’t Kaz raging, trying to cover it up? He’d never wanted their relationship to be public, even if part of Inej had wanted to be able to use the stairs rather than the window occasionally in the Slat, she’d respected that it would never be the case. It was safer that way, for both of them. She had her own enemies now, just as Kaz did. Inej didn’t want him to be targeted for his importance to her, and vice versa.

 

“And you’re not upset about it?” Inej finally was able to get her voice to work, her mind was an impossible jumble of knots that she couldn’t untie.

 

“No.” Kaz said simply. He must have seen her confusion; her breath was quickening.

 

“It’s the best way it could have ever come out, Inej. The entire city saw what we are willing to do to get back to each other. It’s a dare. Let our enemies try and come. We were in a square, that by all counts, neither of us should have walked out from. The Stadwatch was there in force, the entirety of the Mercher’s council, half the Barrel. Snipers on rooftops and a noose around your neck. Yet, here we are. Together, alive, and uncompromised. I have decided I rather like the idea of someone daring to come for one of us. They’ll have the other to deal with.” Kaz was smiling, it was private and true.

 

Inej beamed as this new truth sank into her heart. It was true. She and Kaz should never have walked away from the Exchange, but they had. Not only that, they’d forced the Merchant Council to stand down, and had taken the previous King of Ketterdam as a captive in front of a platoon of Stadwatch officers.

 

If their enemies dared to try and come for one of them now, they would know. Their enemies would know that the Wraith could be lurking in the shadows, waiting to seek retribution if so much as a hair was touched on Kaz’s head. Comparatively, they would know that Dirtyhands would come for them, if they so much as tried to lay a hand to Inej.

 

It was a dare and a threat to the entirety of the world.

 

There would be no harming Kaz Brekker without the consequence of her ire and steel. There would be no capture of Inej Ghafa without the promise of his violence and destruction.

 

“So, what you’re really saying, is that I can use my key for the attic instead of the window, now?” Inej smiled brightly as Kaz laughed, his shoulders looser than she’d seen all morning.

 

“Of course that’s what you heard.” He mumbled, pressing a kiss into her head through her hair.

 

This was a new chapter, Inej decided. The closing act of the last would be Kaz’s revenge for a brother long dead, then tomorrow, Inej would be free to use the stairs.

 

Sometimes, Inej thought, the little and trivial things were the markers for the biggest changes in life. Things like the toothbrush on Kaz’s bathroom sink, that he’d bought for her. The moment she’d hung her dried geraniums in the attic, adding herself to the space. The slip of a coin between Kaz’s fingers in front of her family.

 

Things like stairs to an attic.

Chapter 90: What Is Life But Sunlight & Ice

Summary:

Kaz and Nina are both learning to live again in the wake of loss.

Notes:

Chapter 90!!!!

Ahhhhhhhhh. Guys, I'm so hyped for this one and the next two. I just sincerely hope you love it. <3 I'll keep it short and sweet and say, get ready. I've kept you in anticipation of several things for long enough...

Also, thank you to each of you who left such kind words regarding my last notes section, it means so much to me that you guys would send out good vibes in the wake of loss, and I feel so humbled to know I have people out there thinking good thoughts for me. I love you all more than I can explain and I'm just eternally grateful for you.

THIS story hit 80k hits. I don't even know what I can say about that except... thank you. I literally cannot believe it and I never dreamed I'd cross 10k hits, let alone this many. Just... know I am extraordinarily appreciative and even if I've been slow and having a rough go with getting back to everyone, I read every comment. I don't forget, and every word you take the time to leave for me is appreciated more than I can properly convey. <3 I will get caught up, I'm doing my best. Sometimes life just gets in the way. <3

Let me know what you think in the comments! I can't wait for the next part in particular. I cried while writing it, and I was unprepared, if that tells you anything. <3

"Someone To You" by BANNERS. (Kaz's POV, you'll get it)

KAZ

 

            Kaz had only been in Jesper’s office at the Van Eck mansion once or twice, but it was the first time he’d actually sat in a chair and looked at it. The walls were painted a bright emerald green, the flag of Noyvi Zem was hung in an expensive frame on the far wall. Next to the flag, hung a painting of Wylan at the piano, the portrait was painted in all warm tones, as if Wylan had been swashed in sunlight as he tapped the keys, unaware he was the muse of an artist. Kaz presumed the piece had been completed by Marya Van Eck, he recognized her careful brush strokes and lines.

 

            Kaz had just seen Inej leave the house with Nina, her smile had been contagious as she nearly bounced on her feet at the promise of her true reunion with their grisha friend, whom Kaz knew the Wraith had missed more than she’d tried to let on. Kaz hadn’t been able to stop himself, he’d tasted that smile, ignoring Nina’s grumbles of impatience as she waited by the door. Inej hadn’t seemed to mind. He’d needed it, he’d needed that single moment of closeness with Inej before this day turned into true darkness. Darkness that had followed him like his own personal storm cloud since the day he’d crawled out of the Harbor.

 

            Pekka Rollins’ hours were numbered. They’d been numbered for a decade, but the timer had finally dropped into single digits. Kaz had thought he’d feel giddy, or raging, or… something other than the blankness he was feeling toward the entire affair. Perhaps, Kaz was just tired of it. Wanted it over with. He had things to do, and he needed Pekka out of his mind in order to tackle these big, big, schemes.

 

            Pekka Rollins had been like a thorn in his fucking gallbladder. The pain had lanced and infected and partially healed only to reappear at the worst moments. Now, Kaz just wanted the useless organ removed so he could function like the monster he was.

 

            Kaz just wanted to see Jordie to peace in the only way he could, brick by brick. He was angry, rage still simmered; and yet somehow, now with the promise of finality on the horizon, Kaz felt calmer. It was the clouds that swirled before the hurricane, Kaz knew he’d feel the storm tonight, but for now, he was content to be patient. To focus on life after the storm. To focus on the plans to rebuild whatever was left after the vowed destruction.

 

            “Sorry, I just wanted to make sure Wylan wasn’t going to fucking pop off and go out to the shed again.” Jesper entered and shut his office door behind him, hands fidgeting as he swept across the room in long strides.

 

            “I wouldn’t care much if he did. Arman is going to heal his jaw before tonight, I’d rather enjoy the show if Wylan wants to beat him to hell once or twice just to start over.” Kaz mumbled as he skimmed a pen he’d plucked from Jesper’s desk between his fingers. The zemini huffed a laugh as he sank into his desk chair.

 

            “I didn’t even know Wylan had a punch like that in him, best I don’t piss him off anytime soon.” Jesper joked as he watched Kaz flicking the pen across his gloved knuckles.

 

            “I knew he had it in him. I trained him to throw a punch like that, I’m just glad he decided to use it on something more worthy than a bag of sand.” Kaz shrugged, it was true. Kaz had made sure Wylan knew how to throw a punch before the Ice Court job, granted, the boy had had less muscle and even less spine back then, but he’d always had good aim with his fists. Perfect aim, if Kaz was honest.

 

            No wonder the sharp shooter had fallen in love with him, Kaz almost laughed at his own thought.

 

“Well, that’s something that makes sense in the past few days that have made no sense whatsoever.” Jesper sighed, a smirk dancing on his mouth. Kaz nodded distantly, eyes on the pen in his hands.

 

“What did you want to ask me?” Jesper hedged the conversation.

 

Kaz had found Jesper before seeing Inej off, and asked to speak to him privately. Kaz hadn’t had many opportunities when Inej would be out of the house, out of spying range, and frankly, Kaz couldn’t wait anymore. This part of his grander schemes was burning a hole in his pocket, almost literally. He’d tensed when Inej had ran her hands over his blazer in the foyer, fearful she would have felt what now resided inside his breast pocket. He’d plucked it from their room as Inej had been in the bathroom, hopeful to get a moment to speak with Jesper. Kaz knew he could have waited, but he just flat out didn’t want to anymore. This… this was why Kaz wanted Pekka Rollins to be eradicated forever. He wanted to live.

 

In the past, Kaz wouldn’t have been able to focus on anything else besides the fact that Pekka was in his grasp, once and for all. Now, Kaz wanted it to be done. Even if it terrified him, not knowing who he could be without Jordie’s ghost in his head, Kaz needed to lay this to rest.

 

He’d originally intended Pekka’s demise to go on for years, but that had been before. Before he’d learned what it felt like to kiss Inej, to wake up with her in his arms, to hear her laugh in earnest without a care in the world. Before he’d learned what it was like to play cards with Jesper and Wylan, making stupid jokes and drinking bourbon in their living room until it was late by even Barrel standards. Before he’d found a family amongst the Ghafa’s and had helped Inej save two little suli girls from indentured servitude. Before Kaz had learned what it meant to be alive.

 

“Your abilities work on all types of metal, correct?” Kaz voiced, pausing the pen’s motion in his hands and dropping it back to Jesper’s desk across from him. Jesper raised a brow, hesitancy in his iron eyes.

 

“Yes, though I’m not versed in bank vaults if that’s what you’re getting at.” Jesper said tentatively, a laugh slipping after his words. Kaz smirked, yes, that would be a good use for a durast, but that was not his intention. At least, not this time anyway.

 

“I have a job for you. A legal one.” Kaz posed to the sharpshooter. Jesper waved a hand to go on, his other hand tapping the desk, the only way Jesper could let off some of the vitality that buzzed in his every breath.

 

Jesper always had so much energy, Kaz sometimes wondered if he was really just a bunch of bees in a ridiculous wardrobe. Though, today, Jesper wore black. That was not ridiculous.

 

Kaz reached into his pocket, breath hitching in his throat as he grasped the small ring of gold, a ring that had been in Inej’s family for years. It had belonged to Nani, who had given it to him once he’d promised to spend every day of his life coaxing smiles from her granddaughter. That had been her primary stipulation, along with the promise to visit her as an old woman and teach her how to pick locks and make coins disappear. Kaz hadn’t been able to hide his laughter at her requests as he’d sat in her caravan, surrounded by plants, and drank tea in a mug that he’d rinsed himself, despite the elder seer’s promises never to look.

 

Once he told Jesper his intent, there was no going back. This would be as real here in Ketterdam as it had been in Ravka when Kaz had asked Inej’s parents. There was no part of him that wanted to change his mind. Inej was it. Inej was always it. Inej was the click of a tumbler in the lock of him. There would be no other, she was pick and key and everything he’d never deserved, but always wanted.

 

“Could you manipulate this to encompass stones to be laid in the center, using the excess gold as a setting?” Kaz pulled the ring out to show it to Jesper. Jesper, who nearly fell out of his chair. The grin on the zemini man’s face must have hurt his cheeks with its width, Kaz was sure of it. He felt his skin warm as the ring laid in his leather clad hand, but he did not move the band out of sight. He wanted Jesper to help with this, as a part of Inej’s engagement ring. Kaz knew what it would mean to her, that their friend had helped bring it to life. It would mean everything to Kaz too, if he was candid. His living brother was the only person he’d trust to manipulate the ring Nani had given him.

 

Kaz had asked Nani if she minded if he altered it, and she hadn’t. Originally, this had been Nani’s wedding band, separate from her engagement ring. Kaz also intended to give Inej a wedding band, but he already had that. He’d had that since he was a boy, it wasn’t gold. It wasn’t worth anything, or else he and Jordie would have sold it with the farm for extra kruge. It was a ring made of iron that his father had forged, using his few blacksmithing skills. It was the only thing Kaz had ever held of his mother, whom he’d never even gotten the chance to meet. Kaz could only hope that that band was where he’d left it, the morning he’d left the farm for the last time. Jordie hadn’t even known Kaz had taken it from their father’s belongings. Kaz had put it where he’d always hidden things when he was little, under the floor board in the room he’d shared with his brother.

 

It had been a promise to his nine-year-old self that he would return, one day. He’d been too young to think he’d ever marry, but he had always wanted that little ring, to feel like he’d once had a mother, even if he didn’t remember her the way that Jordie and his Da did. At least he knew that Mama’s favorite flower was marigolds and she wore a ring made of iron.

 

 The caretaker of the property had written Kaz when he had bought the farm back at sixteen, saying the house had all of its original finishes, needed work and minor repairs, but was in overall good shape. Kaz was counting on the floors never being replaced by whomever had purchased the Rietveld home once he and Jordie had left. Kaz needed that ring now, needed to fulfill the promise he’d made to himself as a boy.

 

“To quote something Inej said once, at least we’re both the same kind of stupid.” Jesper laughed as he reached into his desk drawer and pulled out a ring of his own, one that looked to be made of… several different types of metal? Kaz could see it in the light streaming in from the windows, thin slices of copper, iron, gunmetal. All individual thin bands, molded into one ring.

 

Kaz realized then, that Jesper was planning on asking Wylan the same question.

 

“Yes, I can manipulate a ring, to answer your question.” Jesper beamed, silver eyes shining in pure disbelief.

 

“What are all the different metals?” Kaz found himself asking as he leaned forward to inspect the ring in Jesper’s palm, not bothering to hide the smile on his face.

 

“I’ve taken a small sample piece of the support beams from each floor of the College that we’ve been constructing, we used different metals for different parts of the building. Wylan designed it that way for striking architecture reasons, I’m sure. It’s the thing we’re building together, I guess it’s my try at being poetic, since we’re also building a life together.” Jesper sighed as he twirled the ring around in his hand.

 

“It is. Poetic, I mean. He’s going to love it, Jes.” Kaz didn’t know why he said it, but he believed it. The honesty was worth it when Jesper’s eyes blazed under the praise of his creation for Wylan.

 

“Did you steal yours?” Jesper quipped as he held out his hand and Kaz passed his own ring to Jesper for him to inspect.

 

“No. It was Inej’s grandmother’s. She gave it to me when I asked.” Kaz answered as he watched Jesper test the metal with a press of a thumb. Jesper’s eyebrows raised as he looked back to Kaz.

 

“You asked her family?”

 

“I did, believe it or not, they said yes. I think maybe all of the Ghafa’s have terrible taste.” Kaz mumbled with a chuckle.

 

“Fuck, I can’t wait to hear about Ravka. Khalid and Rahul seem like good people.” Jesper said, passing the ring back to Kaz.

 

“They are. Inej said they took you up on the offer to stay in Ketterdam until she departs for her next voyage?” Kaz asked. Jesper nodded as he slipped Wylan’s intended ring back into his desk drawer, presumably out of sight from any unsuspecting ginger who might look within.

 

“Thank you, for offering them a room.” Kaz mumbled, he needed to get going, he had a meeting with Anika and Rotty regarding the plans for the evening ahead. He knew the gratitude was strange, but he meant it. Even as the words still felt foreign on his lips.

 

“Are you kidding? Kaz, this house is bigger than my ego. We have room. Also, never tell him I told you, but Wylan loves to host.” Jesper grinned and Kaz scoffed.

 

“Never tell Inej I told you, but she complains when she doesn’t have the soap that Wylan buys for her bathroom here.” Kaz said lowly, false seriousness all but failing as Jesper was lost in a fit of chuckles.

 

“How’d we get here, Kaz? Weren’t you a monster with no feelings and wasn’t I a loser in a gambling hall only two years ago?” Jesper said once he suppressed his laughter.

 

“I guess we just finally drew the right cards, Jes.” Kaz answered.

 

“What are the odds, we both got winning hands.” Jesper grinned.

 

 

NINA

 

            The sun was peeking out through the misty veil of Ketterdam as Nina walked beside Inej, a takeaway bag of waffles in her grip and Inej’s arm looped through hers. They’d walked to one of their old favorite haunts near the Barrel to acquire the fluffy deliciousness. Ambrosia’s Diner always had the freshest strawberries and whipped cream, both her own and Inej’s favorite toppings for waffles. Nina had thought they’d sit at one of the booths to eat, but Inej had paused and asked Nina if she was up for a walk to the docks.

 

Nina hadn’t minded one bit, Inej was here. It had been so long, too long, that Nina had missed her fierce friend who wielded strength and soul in every blow she landed. Nina had a million questions and answers to give in return, but quiet peace had followed their walk, occasionally they’d point out a shop or a street performer, or laugh over some of the tourists shrieking when they passed open doors of restaurants and gambling dens. Nina suspected she knew where Inej led them, she’d seen the black sails on a warship when she’d gotten off the tourist vessel that had carried her from Fjerda to Ketterdam. Nina also knew Inej was a private person, always had been, and Nina didn’t mind that either. Inej would speak when she was good and ready, probably once they were alone, something Nina had learned in her time surrounding the Wraith herself.

 

Nina had heard the rumors of a ship on the True Sea, a ship that hunted slavers and rescued the stolen people within, leaving nothing behind but the foam on the waves that hinted of a ship recently-sunk beneath the surface. These rumors had reached her all the way on the northern fjords as she spied for Nikolai Lantsov, the King of Ravka. Nina had felt it whenever she heard those rumors in seedy little snow taverns filled with drüskelle soldiers and the fjerdan public alike; it was something in the air that whispered “Inej” in a tone of promise.

 

“That’s her.” Inej paused them as they walked past berth twenty. A radiant smile glinted on Inej’s face as she tossed her hood back and looked on to berth twenty-two, a bit further down the boardwalk, the same berth from which they’d departed for the Ice Court job.

 

Nina felt a pang in her chest, a stab of ice that did not forgive. I miss you.

 

Nina folded her emotions into the drawer of her chest labeled “Matthias” and mustered up excitement as she followed Inej’s gaze. Nina had been right, the ship with black sails. It was a small little thing, but menacing. Her canons were full tilt as the ship bumped in the waves of the harbor. Nina knew nothing about ships, but if she had to reckon, she’d guess it was a fast vessel. Small and wicked and beautiful; just like Inej.

 

“It’s beautiful, Inej!” Nina squealed as she shifted the bag of waffles in her arms to lay her hand over Inej’s arm.

 

“Would you like a tour?” Inej smiled, excitement leaking into her features like a steady rain fall.

 

“Obviously. What is it called? I assume she has a name.” Nina asked as they waltzed forward. Inej didn’t answer right away as they approached, instead she dropped Nina’s arm to move forward on the docks and untie ropes to lower the gangplank, her hands moving expertly on knots Nina thought were worse than the ones in her hair in the morning.

 

That’s when Nina saw it. The elegant scripture on the side of the vessel, white and stark against the dark grain of the wood. The Wraith.

 

“The Wraith.” Nina gasped, Inej was already chuckling and pulling her up the gang plank.

 

“Captain!” A booming voice that Nina recognized immediately came from across the deck of the ship as soon as they boarded. Specht was charging Inej, burly and broad shouldered and at least big enough to step on Inej as if she were a dandelion, but Inej was already embracing him with equal fervor, her tiny frame scooped into tattooed arms and the stretch of a naval jacket, too small.

 

Captain Inej Ghafa. Nina grinned, the sun was shining down fully now, as if the sky itself had wanted to spotlight the return of the wraith to The Wraith.  

 

Nina listened as Inej and Specht spoke softly, the ex-naval officer catching Inej up on certain chores that still needed to be done before their next voyage, recanting his plans to open up space in the cargo hold for more bunks and supplies. Nina was content to listen to her friend slip into her Captainly persona all day as she observed her surroundings. The ship was sturdy against the rock of the waves, the soft lap of the waves licked the wood and created a peace Nina hadn’t found on her voyage from Fjerda.

 

She could almost picture the ferolind. Almost picture Matthias leaning over the rail, sea sick and green, but still more handsome than a pile of waffles on a lazy Sunday morning drenched in sunlight and syrup.

 

I can’t count how many times I’ve said it today, drüskelle, but I miss you. I wish I truly were the little red bird, maybe then I could fly home to you.

 

“Let’s go, We’ll eat in my quarters.” Inej’s voice tore Nina from the tear-drenched cliff face she’d been about to fall over. Nina took a deep breath and scanned the horizon, willing her eyes to cooperate into dryness before she looked to Inej.

 

“Can’t wait.” Nina said softly, designing her cheeks into a smile.

 

They were all supposed to make it, her heart whispered on the wind blowing through the sails above them.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“So, these are your Captains quarters?” Nina beamed. She and Inej had just settled at Inej’s desk, the port hole window was open and with it came sunlight and a harbor breeze, fresh and salty.

 

“Yes. I’ll only answer to Captain, now.” Inej chuckled as she dropped chopped strawberries over her own stack of waffles. Nina laughed as she dolloped out whipped cream.

 

This. This was what Nina had needed these past two years. Laughter. Sunshine. Even Kaz Brekker’s brand of chaos was a welcome home.

 

A moment passed as they both sighed dreamily with the first tastes of the best waffles Ketterdam had to offer. Nina watched as Inej flicked her gaze to her bed, her eyes bright like a memory was playing behind them. It was time to start piecing together these past two years, Nina decided.

 

“So… the ship? Did you buy it right away after the auction? Where did you find it?” Nina smiled and took a sip of the coffee they’d also purchased. Something lit up in Inej’s expression, like the sun summoner had dropped sunshine into the suli girl’s veins.

 

“Three weeks after the auction, this ship was given to me, as a gift.” Inej smiled, folding her napkin in her hand and giving Nina the stage to pester her with every question she needed answered.

 

“A gift? Someone bought you a Saints-damned ship?” Nina gasped.

 

“Kaz bought the ship from the Van Eck fleet, from Wylan. He surprised me with it.” Inej answered, her grin did not falter.

 

Brekker had bought Inej a ship. He’d bought her a fucking ship. Nina couldn’t comprehend. Well if that didn’t put every boy clutching a bundle of daisies to shame, Nina didn’t know what did.

 

“That’s not all, Nina. Not even close.” Inej’s eyes were glassy, despite the smile on her lips. Tears of unabashed joy were welling in Inej’s eyes and Nina didn’t even know what more there could be.

 

Kaz Brekker had given Inej the way to live her dream, with his share of the money from the sugar scandal after the auction. Nina had underestimated him, underestimated his moral compass, severely.

 

Nina didn’t even have words, for the first time in her life, probably. Inej was swiping away tears with the back of her hands, a huff of laughter on her lips.

 

“The day he gave me the ship, on the docks, he… he’d used the favor of that pirate, Sturmhond, to convince Nikolai Lantsov to find my family. That day on the docks, Kaz reunited me with my parents. He’d had the fucking King of Ravka order my parents brought to Ketterdam, to me.” Inej’s voice was trembling, her eyes brighter than Nina had ever seen, sunlight danced around her black hair, turning the strands into shades of azure and raven-wing.

 

“Your parents?” Nina’s eyes were watering now, too. She couldn’t believe it. Couldn’t believe the happiness her friend had found, couldn’t believe the schemes of pureness that Kaz Brekker was capable of.

 

Saints, Matthias, I think maybe you were wrong. Demjin might not be the right word for Kaz. Bastard, maybe, but demon? Not when he loves Inej like this.

 

“My parents.” Inej was nodding, grinning from ear to ear. “He found them. They’re both healthy and happy and have been to Ketterdam twice now. I’ve returned to Ravka officially only once, this past month, but… Kaz came with me. Met every member of my family, Nina. Helped me rescue two girls when Slavers targeted the caravans. They love him, Nina. They love him, and so do I.” Inej was barely getting her words out over impossible laughter, over the sheer impossibility of her life in comparison to two years ago, when Nina had last seen her.

 

The last time she had seen Inej, Nina had been floating away on a death boat, clutching Matthias’ dead hand. She blew the memory away with a kiss post-marked to the realm of Djel.

 

“Kaz… Kaz Brekker, he went to Ravka? He left the Barrel?” Nina laughed. “Wait, he met your fucking parents?” Nina couldn’t keep up; it was so much. So much good. She never would have imagined such happiness to shine on Inej, but Saints, her friend deserved it. Deserved every little bit of it and more.

 

“We have so much to talk about, Neens.” Inej mumbled, elation all but bursting from her seems.

 

Nina felt every fiber of the dead thing in her chest rise in a beat. Nina felt happy, for the first time in a long time, Nina was excited.

 

“Well go on then, tell me how Kaz Brekker learned how to smile.” Nina joked and Inej was already laughing, diving into the first of many tales Nina couldn’t wait to hear.

 

Matthias, I think I’m ready to live again.

Chapter 91: Whiskey

Summary:

Kaz's plan comes to life.

Notes:

Chapter 91!!!

Ah. Ah. Guys. It's here, this one and the next one. These are the two I've been so stoked for. I hope you love it. I hope it scratches an itch long over due.

Thank you so much, you guys. Thank you for your support and your patience with me as I get back to everyone. I am, slowly. I know I'm worse than molasses, I'm like....I don't even know. Something worse than that though, for sure. I've just been going through it life wise so I really just want you to know how much I appreciate you guys. You have no idea what you've done for me, the smiles you've brought to life. Thank you, a thousand times and a thousand more after that. <3

I made a tiktok if you guys want to follow, I know some of you have already! I was so nervous, ya'll. Like. I'm so awkward, but I'm glad I did it. Even if I was terrified to put my face out there with my anxiety. I'll be logging in tomorrow and I'll be getting back to you guys there, too! Both tiktok and tumblr is @ravenyenn19, can't wait to chat with you all. <3

Thank you again. Just... thanks for being my friends these past six months since I started this story. Thank you for reminding me to smile daily.

"Tortured Soul" by Chord Overstreet (Kaz remembering, in the house. You'll see.)

KAZ

 

            “Tell me his name.”

 

 

 

Two Bells Prior

 

KAZ

 

            “You’re sure about this?” Jesper mumbled beside him, fingers on the triggers of his revolvers in their holsters. Rain fell from the sky in a thick sheet, dripping from the brim of Kaz’s hat, the hat Inej had gifted him on her first return to Ketterdam.

 

            Yes. Kaz was sure. He’d waited for a decade. Pekka would make it through Dime Lions territory, Kaz felt in in the tense coiling of his muscles and the marrow of his bones. If Pekka was going to fall, he would have fallen long ago. If Kaz was going to face the man who betrayed Jordie, he’d face the King he remembered, and nothing less. Kaz had ensured Pekka had every reason in the world to make it to the house on Zelverstraat, for Pekka was beginning this trek from the Northern scope of the Lid, the only swift direction to the house in the financial district was his own territory, and then, Dregs territory. Alby Rollins, a seven-year-old boy, was in the house that Kaz and Jordie had sat in once, for dinner with a fabricated family. The child was unconscious, a gentle coma. Kaz had had Arman put the boy under when they’d taken him from the home Pekka had rented with intent to rebuild his life in Ketterdam, with his son nearby. Idiot. If Pekka had been wise, he would have considered the possibility that the hanging of the Wraith and, consequently, Kaz’s assassination, could have failed. Instead, The Dime Lion had thought his plans were foolproof, had underestimated Kaz again. Pekka had also underestimated hunger of the Dime Lions he’d left behind.

 

            Back when Kaz had decided to join the Dregs, he’d chosen a gang that needed him. A gang he could raise from the bottom of the food chain and turn into apex predators, he’d succeeded. The Dregs were the most feared gang in Ketterdam now, spearheaded by a leader amoral and relentless in his brutality. Dirtyhands, Kaz Brekker. The Dime Lions had fallen from the precipice of a promised immortal reputation, all thanks to Kaz. They were angry, hungry, and absolutely disgusted by the Dregs and everything they stood for. They would not hesitate to take any chance they could to destroy their chief rival.

 

The Dregs were the Crows who’d come to feast on the corpses, the corpses of a fallen pride of lions.

 

It was a crying shame that Pekka Rollins would not be recognized as himself by the remaining Dime Lions. A shame indeed that he bore the crow and cup on his arm, bared by torn shirtsleeves. Kaz knew that Pekka’s first idea would be to cover it up by thieving a coat once he entered Dime Lions territory, Kaz didn’t care. Pekka could cover it if he wished, it wouldn’t change anything.

 

Pekka had been tailored entirely. Only the Crow and Cup was real.

 

 Pekka Rollins wore Kaz Brekker’s face.

 

Pekka had had his knee cap bashed in with Kaz’s own cane, then had it healed wrong. The limp would remain. It didn’t matter much that Arman’s tailoring couldn’t hide Pekka’s age difference, nor his difference in weight from Kaz. Kaz knew the first thing Pekka would do would be to find a coat, a coat that would successfully hide most of his body.

 

Kaz was counting on it. Pekka would limp into Dime Lions territory, unaware of the very face he wore. A face that ensured attack by his own gang, even if the likeness wasn’t perfect. Kaz would argue that he himself was much better to look at, Pekka would never lose the sickness of his eyes, even with all the small science in the world. Arman had kept the bastard unconscious the entire time that he’d been tailored. If Pekka looked to his hands, he’d find no difference. A simple benefit that Pekka Rollins was almost as pale as Kaz naturally, Kerch and Kaelish genes had similar affects.

 

Kaz knew Pekka might find out if he saw his reflection in a shop window, a puddle on the cobblestones. Kaz didn’t care. There was no other tailor or healer in the city capable of removing Kaz’s likeness from Pekka’s face besides Arman. Arman who waited at the house on Zelverstraat, with Rotty and Pim and an unconscious kaelish prince.

 

Kaz had given Pekka a reason to walk across this part of the Barrel, he’d given him the opportunity to see his son. Kaz had made a deal. If Pekka could walk across Dime Lions territory, and tell Kaz his brother’s name, Pekka and his son could leave. Of course, Kaz would never let the boy leave with Pekka, this boy would live with his mother and become something more than monster. Kaz had marked Pekka a pigeon for the plucking, and today, Kaz had turned the tables back on Jakob Hertzoon. Kaz had also not bluffed in his acquisition of the youngest Rollins, and Pekka knew it. Pekka knew Kaz wouldn’t lie about having his son for a second time, Kaz had seen it in the gaze of his eyes, the sheer and uninhibited fear of loss. Loss that Kaz had felt every moment, of every day, for the past ten years. Loss that Kaz had felt in every accidental brush of skin, felt in every smile and moment of happiness that Jordie had never lived to find.

 

Kaz Brekker had felt Loss, and he’d lived with this constant companion long enough to know how strong of a negotiator it could be.

 

Brick by brick, Jordie.

 

Kaz remembered the little furrow between Inej’s brows as he’d told her his greater plan this afternoon. What she’d said.

 

“You’re going to have Pekka take out the enemy for you. He’s going to have to kill off the remaining Dime Lions himself to get out.” She’d whispered. For a moment, Kaz had thought she found it inhumane. He’d known he was wrong when her cheekbones had sharpened in a smile fitting of a Barrel Queen. Once Pekka made it out of Dime Lions territory tonight, The Dregs territory will have been doubled, Dirix was waiting with a crew to establish their gang’s claim on the building that had once served as Dime Lions headquarters, any stragglers that Pekka left behind would be dealt with. The Blacktips would come calling once they found out the Dregs had taken over the territory, maybe the Liddies. The Dregs were too powerful for them to beat, and Dirtyhands would never say no to a challenge. Let them come.

 

“I didn’t know Arman’s tailoring abilities were so advanced, I thought he was only a healer.” Jesper mumbled as they stood and watched, tide breakers in the waves of revenge that inched steadily closer to the shore of Kaz’s reality. Pekka turned once and peered at Kaz through the rain, just as he crossed border lines, limp prominent, false cane in hand. Pekka’s only weapon for his trek. A cane head made of wood instead of steel that Jesper had crafted this afternoon. Kaz had also counted on the trustworthiness of Ketterdam storms, the rival gang wouldn’t be able to spot a difference in the false bastard of the barrel in the dark. Kaz knew that Pekka would lift a knife or gun off some unsuspecting pedestrian, but he wouldn’t have long. The Dime Lions had been warned by a lost tourist from Fjerda with eyes of green that Kaz Brekker was seen on their streets, and she feared for her life. Story went that she’d cost him a good bit of money and she needed salvation in the gang she’d heard praised beyond measure in the halls of Fjerdan port cities far and wide. It didn’t hurt that this particular fjerdan tourist was also curvaceous and convincing; and could raise the dead with a flick of her wrist if she ran into any trouble. There was never a shortage of nearby corpses in these Ketterdam canals of wasted potential.

 

Good thing you could always count on Lion’s and their pride, Nina would stroke their egos and their anger. The remaining members of the emerald empire wouldn’t falter to crawl through an opening to destroy Kaz Brekker. None of who was left in Pekka’s gang were smart enough nor old enough to think like Pekka Rollins would have. They wouldn’t see the ruse in front of them, wouldn’t pause to consider why Kaz would walk alone in their territory. They’d see it as a reckless mistake made by a too-cocky and young-blooded Barrel boss. Kaz was cocky, but never too much so. He was calculated in his confidence, thank you very much.

 

“That’s because Arman is more than a healer. He encompasses all facets of the Coporalnik. Healer, tailor, and heartrender. Too bad there was never an auction for him, he hid before he revealed the extent of his abilities to Ravka. He would have fetched a fortune. Instead, he ended up mourning a husband in Ketterdam, you know how I love taking in valuable strays.” Kaz said absentmindedly, staring down Pekka as he glared right back.

 

Kaz ran his fingers over the brim of his hat in false salute. We’ll see each other soon, Hertzoon, in your “family” home. Pekka turned the corner, out of sight.

 

“Like Nina on parem. But, you know, without the high and the batshit mood swings.” Jesper muttered under his breath, Kaz nodded. It wasn’t quite true, Arman couldn’t complete that level of perfection in his tailoring, but he was valuable. And Loyal.

 

“What if the Dime Lions really do kill him? Don’t you think we should have sent Inej to trail him from above?” Jesper ran a hand over his face, brushing rain drops from his cheeks.

 

“I won’t send Inej in rival territory alone, even if they are a dying breed.” Kaz replied harshly.

 

“Careful, Kaz. She won’t like it if you start getting protective. We all know how she feels about nets.” Jesper huffed a laugh but his voice was stern. Kaz knew he was right, but he’d assigned Inej and Wylan elsewhere this evening; and if part of him relished in the knowledge that Inej was not in Dime Lion territory, no one needed to know.  

 

Inej was to trail Wylan to the ship Pekka had sailed in on, docked in the harbor. A ship that was part of Kane De Vries fleet, Inej’s own target on the True Sea. Kaz didn’t know when Kane would show face, but he knew the infamous slaver would, eventually. Inej had wanted to send a message, and take out whatever crew could be still under “Jakob Hertzoon’s” command on the vessel. The Sea was Inej’s domain, and a demolitionist expert had been needed to sink the vessel quietly, no reason to draw the attention of the Council of Tides unnecessarily. It was highly illegal to sink a ship within harbor boundaries, but Inej Ghafa was going to do just that. She was going to dispatch the remaining crew with the help of Wylan, sail the ship out to deeper water near Reapers barge, the farthest point in the harbor from the Council’s all watching tower, and sink the damned boat she’d been held captive on, bringing herself and Wylan back on a life gondel. A “fuck you” to Kane De Vries if Kaz had ever seen one, he couldn’t be happier with it. Even though Pekka had acted without Kane’s orders, Kaz knew word would reach the slaver of Inej’s failed hanging soon enough, and with it, the loss of one of his ships, and one of his higher associates it seemed, Pekka Rollins.

 

If Pekka had let his greed die, he may have had many more years before Kaz struck with any sort of finality. Kaz held greed in the highest of esteems, but he knew when to get up from a table. Knew when the dealer was shuffling bad hands and even worse odds. Pekka had camped out at a bad table with terrible companions, Slavers and Merchers far from the likes of the new breed that was Wylan Van Eck. Pekka should have never lifted a finger in the direction of the Wraith. He’d earned himself extra pain for the scar around Inej’s delicate neck.

 

Shame and Greed and Pain; Kaz’s oldest compatriots had come out to see the funeral of a King.

 

The age of Emerald had ended, and today, an Empire of Obsidian was borne unto Ketterdam.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

           

The house was empty, save for a single chair and oil lanterns on a fireplace mantle that Kaz remembered feeling warm and homely as a nine-year-old boy. Now, it sat vacant and cold, an ode to Kaz Brekker. In the Place where he now stood, there had once been a sofa. Jordie had sat in this very spot, pleading to be given a chance to play the market, to turn his life around for his little brother.

 

Kaz remembered how he’d run into the living room, out of breath after chasing Saskia around and throwing a little ball for the big dog that had reminded him of Timber. He’d jumped to get Jordie’s attention, pulled on his brother’s shirt sleeve to show him the ball in his hand. Kaz remembered Jordie’s indulgence, how he’d begged pardon from Jakob Hertzoon to give Kaz his attention for only a moment. Jordie’s eyes had begged Kaz to leave him be, to go keep playing with his new friend.

 

Jordie had only been thirteen, but had tricked himself into believing that he was a man like their Da had been. Jakob Hertzoon had let Jordie drink the amber liquid that night, as if he were much older. Kaz remembered that Da had drank whiskey, too. Very rarely, Kaz remembered climbing down the stairs of their farmhouse, avoiding the second one from the top, that one always creaked and gave little Kaz away. The staircase had looked over their living room, and sometimes, Da would be seated at the piano in the corner, a bottle of whiskey on the bench beside him. Kaz always knew somehow that those were Da’s sad nights, as Jordie called them.

 

“Sometimes, Da gets sad. He misses Mama. We need to give him extra help those days, I think.” Jordie would say when Kaz asked why Da’s eyes were red in the morning as he served his two sons breakfast.

 

From then on, on those whiskey nights, Kaz would walk down the stairs. Instead of hiding from Da that he was awake far past his bedtime, Kaz would climb onto the piano bench and sit next to Da, setting the big bottle of whiskey on the ground. They’d sit in silence until Kaz would tap a key on the piano, sneaking glances at his father from the corner of his eyes until Da would sigh and pick up Kaz’s tempo on the other end of the keys, playing softly. Eventually, Da would smile when Kaz would attempt to crack his little knuckles, a mimicry of his father.

 

“I love you, Kaz.” Da would laugh softly as he closed the cover over the keys when Kaz had begun to fall asleep, head against his father’s shoulder. Kaz would promise himself that he’d stay awake, but he’d always wake up in his bed, carried to bed by his father.

 

When Kaz and Jordie had left the Hertzoon house that night, Jordie had been smiling from ear to ear, but Kaz had still asked.

 

“Was it a sad night or a happy one, Jordie?”

 

“Happy, we’re about to be Kings, Kaz!” Jordie had actually jumped a little bit as they walked toward the boarding house, excitement leaking from his every movement. Little Kaz had been confused, he’d thought whiskey was a sad night thing.

 

“But you drank the whiskey like Da.” Kaz had mumbled.

 

“Sometimes, it can be a happy thing. You’ll find out when you’re older.” Jordie had laughed as he held Kaz’s hand when they crossed the street, the moon shining down and the promise of a future on the harbor horizon.

 

Kaz had drank whiskey for the first time the night he’d seen Jakob Hertzoon on the street and found out he was Pekka Rollins, King of the Barrel. Kaz had been twelve years old and had stolen the bottle off a drunk in an alleyway, an easy target. Kaz drank it all on the docks, vomited, and stole some more.

 

There had been no one to give him extra help on his sad day. Ever since, whiskey had been Kaz’s drink of preference. Just like Da. Just like Jordie. He didn’t mind the sting; he’d found it was like anger. Live with it long enough, the burn turns warm instead of cold. Like the cold of the Harbor. Kaz had been sweating, even as he froze to death climbing out of the dark water. Whiskey was like that.

 

Kaz stood alone in the room, eyes fixed on the chair that awaited Pekka. It would be anytime now that Jakob Hertzoon would walk into his house of lies once more. Arman was stationed with Alby in the empty bedroom upstairs. Kaz had sent Rotty away once he and Jesper had entered the premises, Rotty would meet Dirix and his team in Dime Lions territory, assuming all went to plan. He’d report back to Anika in the Barrel once the territory was under new leadership, The Dregs.

 

“Boy’s fine. Arman said he won’t remember a thing when he’s back with dear old mother.” Jesper waltzed into the room, hands on his revolvers, his own personal armrests. Kaz barely heard him as he felt inside his pocket where he found his key ring, his fingers tracing over the familiar metal pieces as a reminder. The key to the attic, the key to his office. The key to his and Inej’s caravan in Ravka, the key to her quarters aboard the Wraith. A new key resided there now, too. A key to a new place. A place like the one Jordie had wanted to buy for himself and Kaz, a home. It was the anchor that kept Kaz from throwing his hands into the drywall beside him, from ripping this house apart, board by board, brick by brick. Kaz wanted it to be done with, he wanted to prolong it. Pekka needed to arrive, Kaz needed to hit something. Hard.

 

Jordie. It’s all come to this.

 

A sound of shoes scuffing on the brick walkway carried to Kaz and Jesper in the living room, Jesper immediately backed away from the door, against the wall where it would open.

 

The door burst open, dropping a bleeding and limping Pekka Rollins, a pistol pointed straight at Kaz’s chest. Pekka had planned to kill Kaz, but he never even got the chance to pinch his finger on the trigger before Jesper had drawn and shot, faster than Kaz had ever seen. Jesper had shot Pekka in the ankle, the pistol fell to ground in a clatter, Kaz kicked it out of Pekka’s twisting fingers.

 

It was an odd thing, for Kaz to look at himself bleeding on the ground, and yet, he looked nothing like Pekka. The Dime Lion’s left eye was swollen shut, lip torn open and a tooth missing. Pekka was the washed up remains of the ships Inej sank. Kaz was standing on the shore, this time. Looking out and breathing and watching the luck change for men that had no bearing on his own future. Pekka Rollins would never have bearing on Kaz’s future again, not on Inej’s future, or any soul that had slipped their hands under the armor of Dirtyhands.

 

“Get Arman.” Kaz rasped and dropped his chin in a nod to Jesper. The only acknowledgement Kaz could muster at this moment of the fact that Jesper had saved his life. Kaz should have been turned and poised or hidden behind the wall, but Kaz had already sank down into that realm of dark water where the bubbles floated in front of his face and the weight of the sad days was drowning him. A place where his brother was his hero and his heart hummed in tandem with cicadas on a farm in Lij, a place where Kaz was fighting to get to the surface.

 

As Kaz gagged Pekka with a cloth, a chill descended upon his shoulders. Something ancient and intemperate, like wind on the harbor. Pekka was screaming, the blood stained the wood floors as Kaz heaved a breath and dragged him to the chair in the center of the room. Kaz reached into the bag he’d left near the mantle as Pekka squirmed under his gloved hands holding him in the chair.

 

Kaz pulled out rope dyed red, a tribute to Saskia Hertzoon. Pekka was losing consciousness from blood loss as Kaz wrapped the ropes around him, binding him in the seat with no way out. Kaz let the rope dig into the wound on his ankles, just for fun, before he moved it out of the way. Arman would have to heal him, at least stanch the blood loss. Kaz would be damned before Pekka Rollins died of a blood wound to the ankle, Jesper must have nicked an artery.

 

“Boss.” Arman’s voice came from the bottom of the staircase, Jesper on his heels. For all Arman was worth, he did not seem shaken by the sight before him, not one bit. He also didn’t seem surprised by the surely crazed look in Kaz’s eyes.

 

“Put him back to his true self. I’ll help you alter him as you go, first, make sure that wound is not fatal.” Kaz grit out, Pekka moaned incoherently, his eyes no longer open.

 

“Do you want me to knock him out? Poor Arman shouldn’t be forced to suffer his bellyaching.” Jesper rolled his eyes, clear disgust in his gaze as he looked at Rollins. Kaz knew why, Jesper knew why this was personal. It was why Jesper was here, despite that Kaz craved Inej’s presence, that he’d told her she could be here, he was glad of her choice to help in another way, a way that met her own goals as well, the destruction of Kane De Vries. He would see Inej when Pekka was cold and dead and in his final jail cell. One Kaz had spent years deciding on.

 

Once, Kaz thought he’d send Pekka to the bottom of the Harbor, weighed down the way Kaz had lived every single day since Jordie died. Kaz couldn’t do it, though. Pekka would not rest on the same sea floor where Jordie’s bones were buried. Kaz couldn’t bring Jordie’s body to Lij, where he should have been buried, but Kaz could at least do this. At least preserve his brother’s resting place the only way he could, by making sure Pekka Rollins was nowhere near his water encased tomb.  

 

“No. Let him groan. He won’t be able to speak soon enough.” Kaz stared down at Pekka. Stared as Arman began working.

 

Kaz stared until he convinced himself that Jordie was behind him, waiting.

 

Kaz welcomed his brother’s ghost into the realm of the living when Arman left the room and all that was left was Jakob Hertzoon tied up in red ribbon rope, gurgling against the gag in his mouth. Kaz had been kept silent by revenge for ten years, now, Jordie’s hands lifted from Kaz’s mouth.

 

Jesper stayed. Jesper tossed Kaz his cane.

 

Pekka’s son was brought downstairs, Arman carried the boy in his arms. It would be the last glance Pekka had of his son, as the boy was carried back into life’s embrace, to a mother who loved him, to a world that might just be a little better than the one Kaz had survived in.

 

That was the mercy Kaz Rietveld had granted, a single glimpse of the rise and fall of Alby’s chest as Arman whisked the boy away. It had been leverage, and the only reason Kaz had kidnapped the kid. The little boy would not remember this night, would awake in the care of his mother in a carriage, on their way to the countryside and a fresh start.

 

Kaz would not give life to his shadow. A friend, a lover, someone Kaz didn’t want to lose, had once told him that every malicious deed done by your own hand gave life to your shadow, and every living person had one. Kaz’s shadow could have been born by the son of Pekka Rollins, but he’d chosen differently.

 

Kaz had lived his life as a shadow, and today, he would become his own man. He wasn’t quite sure who that would be, but maybe something with less teeth. Maybe it would be all the parts of who he’d always been and never had the chance to become.

 

The piece of Rietveld that drank whiskey and remembered the smell of marigolds.

 

The piece of Brekker that was harsh and cunning.

 

The violence shed by Dirtyhands.

 

The lightness of being the moon in his girl’s sky.

 

Maybe, there’d be something new.

 

One last time, Kaz Brekker muttered the words laced in revenge that he no longer craved the sting of. This was no longer like whiskey.  

 

 

 

Brick by Brick.

 

 

 

 

“Tell me his name.” Jesper spoke, the words cold and cutting, like one of Inej’s saintly blades through the thick air of the room. The sharp shooter stepped forward and removed the gag from Pekka’s mouth without Kaz’s instruction. Kaz didn’t mind.

 

Kaz felt Jordie, then. Jordie in Jesper’s words. Jesper was demanding vengeance for a boy he’d never met, because Jesper was Kaz’s brother, in so many ways.

 

“I don’t remember.” Pekka uttered, the voice of a man who knew he’d been defeated.

 

It all came tumbling down. Every wall. Every piece of stone and plaster and bit of grout between.

 

I’m sorry, Jordie. I’m sorry that I didn’t know how to help. I’m sorry I couldn’t return the boots. I’m sorry it took me this long to realize you weren’t the one in my head.

 

“His name was Jordie. Jordan Johannus Rietveld. He was thirteen years old, born on September the Seventh. He was my brother, and you, Mr. Hertzoon, left us to die in the cold. I died, but I didn’t stay that way. The thing about shadows is, we don’t need air to breathe. We just become and rise silently like smoke. You should have been more thorough. Should have lit more lamps to keep the dark away. Should have listened to my Wraith when she came to you in your home.”

 

Inej had given Pekka a second cut this afternoon, after Kaz had left her in the shed. He hadn’t seen it until later. Arman had tailored the mark away before Pekka had walked into the Barrel, but to Kaz’s surprise, Arman had returned it, now. Inej must have asked him to. The second cut was a slash across Pekka’s neck, a white ribbon of scar tissue. Just like her own scar.

 

Inej had marked Pekka for Death, a reminder for Kaz. It was a reminder of life, a reminder of her. Inej had known she wouldn’t be in this room, but as Kaz stepped forward, he remembered why he wanted this to end.

 

Kaz had a life to live. A future. More than an empire to burn down, Kaz had something to build.

 

Brick by brick.

 

 

 

 

The screams began.

Chapter 92: Sparks In The Deep

Summary:

Kaz says Good bye. One funeral, one mourner.

Notes:

Chapter 92!!!

Hi everyone. So, this chapter is potentially the most special to me that I've ever written, for many reasons. I'll leave a few extra notes at the end, but I hope you love it. I hope it makes you feel something, it certainly did for me. This is the first chapter that I had to pause writing because I cried too much. I don't know if it will have that affect for you, but I wanted you to know how special it is to me. <3

Thank you so so much, everyone. We crossed 90k hits and now I'm seriously thinking we might cross 100k and that... I can't even begin to explain it. I can't. I'm just so humbled and so happy to be here and I love you guys. I know you don't know me, but you've brought so much good into my life and I want you all to know it. Mara tarres, you make me shine. Thank you. <3

Please, let me know what you think. This one was so emotional, and I'd kill to hear what you thought. It's honestly some of the hardest writing I've done, both personally and from a technical sense. I've waited so long to write this one, and when the time finally came, I wasn't ready. It's that special to me. Anyways, I can't wait to talk with you all. I've been catching up, slowly but surely, I so appreciate your patience. <3

"Leave Out All The Rest" by Linkin Park ( Start it on Kaz's last POV, you'll see.)

JESPER

 

            “You did this to me!” Kaz’s voice was coals, burning and dragging over the stone of a forge pit. Jesper had heard Kaz Brekker angry, had seen Kaz kill in cold blood. He’d never seen Kaz kill in…well, burning blood. Rage and unchecked violence threaded his every movement, like a shark in the water on the scent of a raw and wounded meal.

 

            Jesper didn’t understand Kaz’s words as he watched on from the corner of the room. Kaz had shattered both of Pekka’s hands with the brunt force of his cane, had hit him once over the side of his head, enough to re-break the same piece of bone that Wylan had shattered only that morning. Arman would not return to heal Pekka this time. Good, Jesper thought. Jesper may have never seen Kaz look quite this vengeful, but Jesper understood it. If Kaz asked, Jesper would gladly set aside his morals and torture Pekka right alongside him, like he had with that bastard, Charles Hester. The man who’d hurt Inej in the Menagerie.

 

            Kaz was now holding his hands in front of Pekka’s face, displaying the leather. The gloves? Kaz was speaking of why he wore the gloves?

 

            “I didn’t do anything to your hands, boy.” Pekka slurred over the lameness of his jaw, he spat blood onto the ground by Dirtyhands’ boots. Kaz pushed the Dime Lion back in the chair with a swift punch in the chest, enough to leave Pekka gasping and choking over the wind stolen from his lungs.

 

            “You did. You made me this way. You stole everything from my brother. You stole my brother from me. You plucked us as pigeons, a couple of boys! My brother fucking loved me, he wanted to make a life for us after our parents were both dead! What if I did that to your son, Rollins? Would that be suitable revenge? Leave him on the streets, rip everything from underneath him? Let him crawl from Reaper’s barge half-dead but still breathing? Give him your fucking corpse to use as a raft across the harbor? That’s what I lived. That’s what I survived.” Kaz growled, his hair fell into his face now, his jacket long since discarded, sleeves rolled up to his elbow. Blood was spattered on Kaz’s brow, his dark eyelashes flecked with crimson.

 

            Jesper felt his stomach fall from his chest to his ass. Kaz didn’t mean that, did he? He was on Reaper’s barge… alive? Jesper thought he might be sick. It had to be a figure of speech… somehow. He couldn’t move, though. Jesper couldn’t ask Kaz what he meant, now. Not that Kaz would answer later either, but… Jesper had made a promise. He was here to make sure no soul entered this house, here to watch Kaz’s back, but that’s it. Jesper had taken one blow to Pekka before Kaz had stopped him. He’d landed a jab of fingers between the man’s ribs when he’d admitted he couldn’t remember Jordie’s name. Kaz had pushed Jesper back with forceful hands, yet kindly. It made sense, this was Kaz’s revenge, his plan. It didn’t stop Jesper from wanting to step forward and blow about six shells into the soft skin between Pekka’s eyes.

 

            Jesper didn’t know much, but he knew that Pekka Rollins had hurt his brother’s brother. Had wounded Kaz so profoundly that there was no telling who Kaz would have been without the burden of Jordie’s death on his shoulders. For that, Jesper wanted to kill the Dime Lion himself. All Jesper could do was watch now. All he could do was count on Inej and Wylan being safe in the harbor, that the Wraith would watch Wylan’s back as much as Jesper would watch Kaz’s. Nina, Jesper knew, was already returned to their house, safe and warm with Trassel, after her venture into the Barrel this evening as a Fjerdan tourist. Kaz and Jesper had stopped to make sure before they’d come to this house to wait for Rollins. Khalid and Rahul must have noted the look in Kaz’s face when they’d stopped in the parlor, for the two suli men had simply wished Kaz luck, and turned tail upstairs. Jesper didn’t blame them, this city was not part of their world, even if Inej had found a home within it. Just like Jesper’s own Da, he didn’t want the two suli men involved if they could prevent it, they’d been through enough.

 

            When Kaz sliced off Pekka’s ear with a serrated razorblade, the Dime Lion screamed. He sputtered and whined in pure agony. Kaz laughed, the sound was the gravel of wheels on stone, shifting from madness to glee like smoke. It was Dirtyhands pure from the depths of Kaz’s chest, something bordering on insane, yet wholly in control.

 

Pekka then spoke what would be his last words, his last strike against Dirtyhands. It was a mistake, if Jesper had ever heard one.

 

            “I had your pretty little wraith of a wife on my ship for an entire week. I could have had my way with her, and she would have liked it. Never would have crawled into your bed again once she had me. Or maybe I did and she’s too ashamed to tell you. Maybe I fucked her, Brekker.” Pekka growled, blood pouring down his shirt from the wound on the side of his skull. The words slurred over a shattered jaw and the creak of cracked ribs in his chest. Pekka’s voice whistled, his broken nose no longer drawing in enough air. Jesper didn’t even see where Kaz had drawn the weapon from, his movements were inhuman in their swiftness. Kaz’s eyes blazed in anger so hot that Jesper was certain the oxygen of the room had been consumed by Kaz’s flames.

 

            Kaz stabbed Pekka through the heart with a blade Jesper recognized immediately. It was Inej’s, Sankt Petyr. The first blade Jesper had ever seen the Wraith wield.

 

            Before Pekka’s eyes went flat, Kaz leaned into his remaining ear.

 

            “My wife sends her regards. Send mine to the Devil, I’m coming for his job.” Kaz whispered as he yanked the knife back, blood seeping into his leathered hands. A wind from the cracked window gusted through the room, and on that breeze, Jesper could smell the Harbor, and something else.

 

            Something like fresh cut grass. It reminded him of fields of a farm. It reminded him of freedom.

 

 

KAZ

 

            Kaz put Pekka in the basement alone. Jesper had argued with him tooth and nail when Kaz had told him to leave, but the zemini had finally relented when Kaz had dug around in his gut for the courage to be honest.

 

            Kaz wasn’t refusing help because he was closed off, Kaz had needed to do it alone. Needed this to be his final brick laid, by only his own bare hands.

 

            Kaz knew Jesper had probably reached the Van Eck mansion by now, reunited with Inej and Wylan, hopefully. The basement was dark and cold, already cleared for the demolition team that would be here in less than six bells at first light. They would not check the house again, that had already happened this afternoon. Kaz had owned this house for two years, he’d bought it with part of his share of the sugar funds after the auction. He’d bought it as a tomb for Pekka Rollins.

 

            This house would be demolished in the morning, Pekka buried under bricks of the foundation, the weight of the world on top of his body to crush him slowly. Kaz had dug a shallow grave, in case anyone came down the stairs. The shadows on the wall danced in the lone lamp light Kaz had brought with him, his audience of ghosts. The woman, the daughter, the boy who sold toy dogs.

 

            Pekka’s body was long cold, Kaz had taken at least half a bell to dig the grave.

 

            His boots scuffed as Kaz kicked Pekka’s corpse into the ground with his good leg. Pekka Rollins was dead. Kaz rolled his shoulders back as he reached for the shovel, the rough work was almost done.

 

            Nothing accompanied Pekka into the earth except a single feather. A feather of a crow Kaz had found on the sill of his attic window. If Kaz was a murderer, he’d at least leave a trademark signature.

 

            It was only after Kaz began the climb from the basement, covered in blood and dirt, that it began to sink in.

 

            I did it, Jordie.

 

Kaz hadn’t made it up the stairs before he couldn’t breathe, the sobs in his chest too violent. He didn’t know if it was sorrow or happiness, but it had to come out. The tears he’d harbored like a sponge could no longer be held back.

 

            Kaz was broken on the stairway to Heaven or Hell. He didn’t know which direction he was going, now. Who would he become? What was Kaz Brekker without revenge?

 

 

INEJ

 

            “He didn’t come back with me.” Jesper said as he shrugged out of his coat in the Van Eck foyer. Inej and Wylan had just returned maybe fifteen minutes’ prior, everything had gone smoothly. Kane De Vries had lost another ship in his envoy, and Inej couldn’t be more pleased to know the remains of that ship were sinking into sand on the bottom of fifth harbor, next to reaper’s barge. Inej also wasn’t surprised, she had guessed that Kaz wouldn’t come back with Jesper. It didn’t stop the slight grip of panic in her chest, though.

 

            Two sides of Inej were warring. She’d asked Wylan to concoct what she needed this afternoon, but she wasn’t sure if she should only ask Jesper to come, or ask Wylan and Nina to come as well. Inej had schemed her own scheme tonight, she had a feeling she knew her avri well enough to know where he would be. It was where he’d began ten years prior. This night was not yet over, there was still one more tombstone to lay in the ground. One farewell to make.

 

            “He’s dead.” Jesper answered Inej’s unspoken question regarding Pekka Rollins; Nina and Wylan both exhaled in relief from where they stood in the door way to the living room. Inej reached a hand down to scratch Trassel’s ears, the wolf was leaning against her legs, asking for affection and bringing Inej the comfort she needed.

 

            “How was… how was he, Jes?” Inej asked softly. She would not reveal Kaz’s past, it was his story to share, but she did know Jesper also had knowledge of Jordie. Jesper knew Pekka had had a hand in the death of Kaz’s only family. Jesper sighed, a memory coated the air of his exhale. His iron eyes focused on her.

 

            “He was… he was Kaz. Pekka did not die a swift death. He died in plenty of pain, I only wish I had taken another blow.” Jesper mumbled, fingers twitching as he leaned against the wall.

 

            Inej glanced at the bag she’d left by the front door, a bag filled with concoctions of the Wylan Van Eck variety. The merchling caught her glance with a confused quirk of his head; she hadn’t told Wylan why she’d needed these things created. Thankfully, this afternoon Wylan had needed a distraction after he’d lost his temper on Pekka Rollins. He’d let it go with a promise that he’d have what she needed, a few simple modifications to something he’d created for Inej several times at this point for her voyages.

 

            Inej made up her mind. She didn’t know if she was overstepping, but Kaz needed her. He needed all of them, even if he wouldn’t admit it. Sometimes, Kaz needed a nudge in the form of a crutch unasked for. Kaz had a family now, all the people in this room. Herself. Jesper. Wylan. Nina. She remembered what Papa had said in Ravka: That’s not what family does. We don’t turn away when things get dark. They would not leave Kaz in the dark, now.

 

            Inej took a shaky breath and ran her hand over her braid before she looked up to each of the crows surrounding her.

 

            “Are you all available for a walk?” Inej asked softly. Heads tilted in askance, but one by one, they nodded.

 

            We’re coming for you, mera chaar. You are not alone.

 

KAZ

 

            The water lapped against the dock, whispered secrets of the True Sea carried to the shore. Kaz stood still as stone against the wind kissing his grief-flushed cheeks. The rain had long since stopped, and the storm had blown away the smog, leaving only moonlight reflected on the dark expanse of glassy water before him. This was the lowest dock to the water, the same dock Kaz had crawled onto, the last place he’d seen his brother’s body. Once Kaz had pulled himself up from the stairs at the house on Zelverstraat, his feet had carried him here. A goodbye, perhaps. A funeral of a single mourner, clad in blood and black inside and out.

 

A decade had passed, yet Kaz felt the tremors of cold water deep in his bones, as if he’d never gotten out of the Harbor, as if part of himself was still adrift in the tide, clinging to Jordie’s bones and begging him to come back. Pekka Rollins was gone, yet Jordie would never be brought home. Never laid next to their parents, or someday, himself. At least, Kaz hoped he’d live long enough to be brought back to Lij. Or wherever Inej was. He’d rather be put in the ground next to her, or if she outlived him, which he desperately hoped for, he’d like to be burned. Let the ashes of Kaz Brekker rise so he could ride the wind home to her.

 

            His tears fell silently now, the docks were completely abandoned at this hour, especially in this part of the Harbor, where no vessel was currently in port. Silence stretched around Kaz, his only funereal partners were the waves that had taken Jordie away. It was as if the water wanted to apologize, despite that it’s only nature had been to flow.

 

            The sound of footsteps hitting the wood of the docks caused Kaz to turn over his shoulder. Three figures walked toward him, figures he’d recognize anywhere. A tall woman who moved with the confidence of a crown on her head. A lean and towering Zemini. A pale merchling with blue eyes that still shown in nothing but moonlight.

 

Kaz didn’t understand, how did they find him? Where was Inej? Why wasn’t she with them? Was she safe? Why were they here in the first place?

 

            Kaz had been about to ask but Jesper stepped forward as the group made their way to the end of the docks.

 

            “Inej said to find you, and to stay put.” Jesper said softly as he came to stand beside Kaz. Kaz let out a breath and turned his head quickly back to the harbor. There would be no hiding his eyes or the streaks of wetness on his face now. Why were they here? Kaz was supposed to be figuring out how to forgive the Harbor, letting his brother drift away for the final time. He was supposed to be back in the Barrel, drinking whiskey and relishing his empire. He was supposed to be doing anything but this. No mourners, No funerals.That was the rule.

 

            Nina came to stand on the other side of Kaz, she was clutching several stems of fresh bloomed tulips in her fingers. Red ones, from the Van Eck garden, Kaz recognized. Like the ones they’d laid on Matthias’ body, that night two years ago. A long moment passed, but Kaz didn’t have the energy to fill the silence. Didn’t have the drive to ask questions or snap.

 

            Jordie was still gone, and Kaz needed to lay him to rest in the ways he never had. He didn’t know how. He didn’t know how to pull away, an opposite problem of his everyday life.

 

            Jordie, are you there? Jordie, is it a happy night or a sad one?

 

            Nina touched his jacket sleeve. He didn’t jerk away, but he couldn’t move his eyes from the water below them, either. Where was Inej? Where was his avri? She would know how to do this. She would tell him a proverb maybe, or maybe she’d just know how to forgive the sea. She was a Captain. She’d know. Kaz needed his girl and she wasn’t here. Inej, sweetheart, where are you?

 

            Then, Nina was handing Kaz Brekker the bundle of tulips, placing the stems into his gloved fingers. He hadn’t noticed she’d grabbed his hand. Who was he right now?

 

            “I don’t know who, I don’t know when, I don’t know why we’re here, but I do know loss. I recognize it when I see it, now. You all gave me tulips when I met loss in the boat house. So, I’ll give them to you now.” Nina said softly and Kaz gripped the flowers in his hand tight. He’d never be able to tell Nina, his friend, what it meant. But he could show her by not dropping those blooms into the water. He could show her by keeping them.

 

            “Every single one of us is here because of you, Brekker. I’ll never repeat these words, and tomorrow, we’ll go back to insulting each other and speaking in fluent sarcasm, but I want you to know that. I want you to know that whoever it is your tulips are for, they’d be proud of you.” Nina whispered to him, the wind whistled on, but her words lingered at Kaz’s side.

 

            “You gave me a home when I lost everything. No, you weren’t exactly warm about it, but if I’d never met you, I wouldn’t be here, Kaz. I’d be gone, and we both know it. Debtors would have collected in blood. My Da would have lost me and the farm. He’d have lost everything. I never would have had a brother.” Jesper added. Kaz felt his chest constricting, his eyes locked on the red petals of the tulips. He didn’t understand.

 

            “I never would have found my mother. I never would have stood up for myself. Never would have learned I could be more than my flaws.” Wylan whispered from the other side of Jesper. Kaz’s eyes were watering. How had they found him? Where was Inej? How had he earned this? How had he earned them?

 

            “Inej is free because you loved her enough to let her go.” Nina whispered, something in her tone forced Kaz to look at the Corpse Witch, despite the remnants of tears on his face. “And me? You gave me a chance to right a wrong, even if it had begun with your need of him. You got Matthias out of Hellgate, and gave me the chance to fall in love with him all over again. You gave us time, Kaz.” Nina turned her green eyes on him, honesty undiluted shining back at him. Kaz had not the right words. He couldn’t tell them who he’d lost, he couldn’t tell them why Pekka Rollins would be buried under bricks; but he could tell them something he should have said long ago.

 

            “Thank you.” Kaz’s voice was broken and far younger, but strong. He meant it. Nina had once said they’d saved her, he wondered if they all knew. If they all knew that they’d brought him back from the dead. Jesper’s jokes, Nina’s boldness, Wylan’s music, Inej’s laugh.

 

            “Inej told me to give you this. I didn’t read it, but it was tempting.” Jesper shifted and pulled a folded piece of paper from his coat pocket to pass to Kaz. Kaz slipped the tulips in his pocket and switched his cane to his other hand. He took the page, unfolding the note quickly. Maybe Inej needed him to meet her elsewhere. She wasn’t here. Why wasn’t she here? Kaz’s eyes found Inej’s delicate script:

 

            If he can’t go home to the fields you told me about, maybe I can at least bring a piece of home, to him. To both of you.

 

            Etma se saman, mera chaar.

 

            Look to the horizon, to our moon and sea.

 

            Kaz’s breath hitched in his throat as he scanned Inej’s note twice, he felt the other’s eyes on him. Kaz took a breath and looked up.

 

            There, out in the harbor, a single ship was floating lazily in the slight waves. Kaz hadn’t seen it before, a ship as quiet and deadly as a phantom. A ship with black sails. The Wraith. Inej.

 

            As if on cue, the rest of them spotted Inej’s vessel on the horizon, the ship was clearly anchored, staying in the center of the harbor. A shadow against the backdrop of the sea and stars.

 

            All at once, canons fired, pointed down to the water instead of the air. It was not loud, only a thump. Silencers that Jesper had fabricated for Inej’s warship served their purpose well. Kaz didn’t understand, not until explosions began under the surface of the waves.

 

            Explosions of glowing green and gold, like the fields of Lij under the sun. The water of the Harbor began to sparkle and stir, liquid like grass and sunlight. A fireworks show under the deep. It was magic.

 

            Fifth Harbor had been turned into a field of green, for Jordie Rietveld. Kaz’s breath could not come evenly, even as his lips stretched into an awestruck grin, tears rolling down his face. Kaz had never seen anything like it, never felt anything like this.

 

            Inej had given his brother a funeral made of magic. A send off to the next world bathed in the light of a thousand sparks.

 

            Kaz believed in miracles.

 

            Kaz heard the others gasping. Nina was laughing wildly in sheer wonder, dropping to her knees near the water, watching the path of glittering green as it neared the docks. Kaz heard Jesper mutter under his breath “well I’ll be damned”. Wylan was beaming. None of them understood the true weight, but they knew true improbability when they saw it.

 

            Kaz would have dropped to one knee if Inej had been on land, even without a ring in hand.

 

            Mera nadra. His sea. Pekka Rollins had called her Kaz’s wife. Kaz hadn’t corrected him. He liked it. Wanted that with her, forever. He was hers, too. He wanted to be her avri, her husband. He’d earn her, every day, for the rest of his years. Improbable odds, never impossible.

 

            Kaz watched as the Harbor glowed, the water brought the crystal-coated fields to Kaz, too. For a moment, he and Jordie were in the same place, one last time. They were both home, in the green and the sunshine, even in the dead of night. Kaz swam that water to his brother, one last time.

 

            I’ll miss you, Jordie. I always have, I always will. Go home. I’ll meet you there, when I’m done here. For now, save some whiskey for me. Tell Da and Mama I made it.

 

            I’ll be okay, Kaz thought as he kneeled beside Nina. He took his gloves off as he touched a single finger into the Harbor water swirling with blades of viridian. Kaz touched the water that had tried to kill him for the first time in a decade, and in its reflection, he saw his brother. 

 

            They had the same dimple.

 

            Kaz didn’t drown. The air tasted of forgiveness, and the future was written in the horizon on a ship of shadow, captained by a woman made of magic and steel.

 

Inej Ghafa had sailed the Rietveld brothers home.

Notes:

This one is so special to me, because I’ve always heavily related to Kaz. Not to go into my own sad tale, but I too lost my family when I was young, and it’s taken me so long to lay them down in my heart as much as in the ground. I just hope you love it. I hope you understand how profound this one was for me, personally. 🖤

Chapter 93: A New Reign

Summary:

Peace after chaos.

Notes:

Chapter 93!!

Hi everyone! Sorry this took an extra day, but i hope it was worth the wait! <3 This chapter is incredibly soft, and I know it. I just wanted to write it and while it's not necessarily plot driven, it felt truly character driven. It felt earned for our favorite crows after so much change, pain, and hard mountains to climb. I just really hope you love it, and I hope to have another up tomorrow <3 I'm literally so excited guys. SO many things are coming. So many.

Now, I just want to say thank you. This story crossed 100k hits this past day, and it's just... there aren't words for such an occasion. I would have written this story even if no one read it, and to know you guys are out there, reading it... it's just so surreal. I'm a broken record, but I just want you to know how grateful I am, truly. You've all given me so many smiles and so much love, it just makes this little wannabe Barrel rat's heart flutter. Thank you again. I just hope I can keep bringing a smile to your faces, because if I do that for even a single one of you, then I've done my job as a writer. <3

Also, thank you for all your love on "The Battles of Before" as well. I just wanted to put that note here and say I have quite a few chapters coming for that prequel story as well!

In case any of you want to follow, both my tumblr and tiktok are @ravenyenn19. I just realized I've been slacking on remembering to include those in my notes.

Drop me a comment, I've been getting back to more recently and I can't wait to hear what you guys think and what you're excited for! I know I've teased quite a few things, but we're getting there, ya'll. I promise it's all going to be worth the wait. <3

"Days Like This" By Dermot Kennedy (It's the peace. It's the lyrics.)

 

NINA

 

            “Saints, Inej! How much rum do you have on this ship?” Nina laughed as she watched the suli girl uncorking a bottle that she’d pulled from a drawer of her desk in the Captain’s quarters of the Wraith. They’d all already drank one bottle, sitting around on the ground of Inej’s rooms. The moment the Wraith had begun to sail back into port from the Harbor, Kaz had taken off toward her berth.

 

            He was surprisingly fast for a man with a cane; Nina had been out of breath when she’d caught up with him at berth twenty-two, Wylan and Jesper beside her. It had been a private moment, one that she and the others had looked away from, as Kaz walked up the lowered gang plank to the Wraith, toward Inej. They’d disappeared from sight, Inej scooped into black blazered arms, and taken away from the visible side of the ship. All Nina knew was that Inej’s cheeks had been tear stained and stretched into the widest smile she’d ever seen her friend wear, when she had yelled for them to join her and Kaz aboard. Kaz hadn’t dropped Inej’s hand when they made their way up the gang plank, his eyes had been focused on Inej, and a soft sort of line on his lips that could have been a smile. Nina had never seen Kaz Brekker look so human as she had tonight, and he hadn’t hidden it from them. He hadn’t hidden the way his eyes had watered when Inej turned the harbor into the grandest fireworks show Nina had ever seen, either. She didn’t know the significance of Inej’s gesture, but she did know it had been important to Kaz Brekker. Nina still didn’t know who the tulips were for, but when they’d entered Inej’s cabin, she’d seen the flowers sticking out of Kaz’s coat pocket. He was keeping them. Tonight, Nina thought, she’d seen a glimpse of the man Inej had told her about. The man who had earned Inej Ghafa. Kaz Brekker was more than they all had known him to be, once. He was a man who had lost, just like the rest of them.

 

            She didn’t hate this new Kaz. One who was sitting on the floor with them, drinking and even making jokes occasionally. The bastard was funny when he let himself be.

 

            You should have been here, drüskelle. You would have loved the way the water lit up. You might have even gotten along with Kaz tonight.

 

            “Enough to drown myself when Greer’s singing becomes intolerable. Enough to remind myself that the world isn’t comprised of only assholes out for their next payday.” Inej grinned and Jesper tipped his head in laughter.

 

            “I am an asshole who’s looking for his next payday.” Kaz said with a smirk in Inej’s direction, garnering an eye roll.

 

            “You do not sell humans, mera chaar. You’re the exception of assholes looking for the next pay day.” Inej corrected with a chuckle as she settled back onto the ground beside Kaz and began pouring out drinks. Nina almost grinned, she knew enough suli to understand Inej’s term of endearment for Kaz. Inej had called him her moon. It was… it was just so Inej. Nina couldn’t put her finger on it, but it made sense, for them.

 

            Like I’d been the little red bird.

 

            Kaz’s lips threatened a grin as he watched Inej take a swig of rum, a pirate in the flesh.

 

            “So, Neens, you told me. Maybe it’s time to recant to the rest of the class of your newly forged path.” Inej said now, her deep eyes sparking in the lamp light as they focused on Nina.

 

            “Oh yes, we’ve been waiting.” Wylan smiled softly, leaning forward on his crossed legs and imploring Nina with those blue eyes of his.

 

            “Oh stop batting your eyelashes Van Eck, we all know you have baby-blues.” Nina laughed.

 

            “Aren’t they pretty?” Jesper grinned dramatically as he wrapped an arm around Wylan’s shoulder.

 

            “Not as pretty as mine.” Nina winked.

 

            “Oh Saints, I wish Khalid were here. You argued over who was prettier with him, too.” Inej laughed as she eyed Kaz. He scoffed as Jesper was set off in laughter.

 

            “I cannot wait to hear those stories.” Jesper managed in receding chuckles.

 

            Nina saw Kaz reach for Inej’s hand, his gloves were off. The sight was still somewhat jarring to Nina, his pale fingers were not deformed, not even scarred. Only long and reminiscent of his time picking locks, dexterity in every shift of movement. She quickly glanced away when she saw Inej’s eyes locked with Kaz’s. Nina knew well enough when there were silent conversations being shared. Private moments between her two friends.

 

            “Nina. Story.” Wylan nudged her foot with his own and Nina huffed a breath as she took a long drink of rum.

 

            Then, Nina began. She told the people who she’d missed for two years how she’d been anointed into the second army, the first of her kind, a Grisha with a color yet no class. She told them how Nikolai Lantsov had sent her to Fjerda under her request, to begin the idea of an operative to bring stolen and imprisoned grisha home and perhaps beginning talks to educate the Fjerdans, or just frankly change their minds. She told them how she buried Matthias in the ice of the North, near the stars and the fjord, with the winter wind wrapped around him.

 

She explained how she’d met the likes of both open minded and horrible fjerdans. She divulged to them how she’d had to break Trassel, her wolf companion who was probably whining at the door of the Van Eck mansion by now, out of the kennels. The kennel keepers hadn’t believed Nina when she’d told them she was the widow of Matthias Helvar- which had been a lie, she supposed, but she’d married him in her heart. It was her truth. She told them how she’d met one girl, Hera, that… Nina had thought she could have fallen in love with. How she’d tried. How she hadn’t been ready to love someone else. Nina hadn’t minded when Wylan had scooted closer to her, wrapped his sweater clad arms around her and held her the way no one had in the past two years. She leaned into her friends embrace, let Wylan hold her steady as she marched through the ice of her tale.

 

            She told them all how she had been planning to report back to Ravka, when she had decided she wasn’t ready; wasn’t ready to face Ravka again and the promise of politics and war. She had written her commanding officer back at the Little Palace that she wished for a grant of leave and time off. She’d received a letter back from the King himself, something uncharacteristic. Nikolai Lantsov had written her to give Ketterdam his best, something about it had been snide, almost like a joke only he was privy to.  She hadn’t expected Kaz to get the joke, but he’d actually released a snort of amusement. Nina hadn’t known the King would take too much interest in her work in Fjerda, but he had. He’d told her to take as much time as she needed, and simply send word through channel of the Ravkan embassy when she was ready to report back for assignment.

 

            Nina explained how she’d simply managed to get into Ketterdam the same day as Inej’s false trial because the ship she’d been on had heard whispers of some grand spectacle taking place within the city, and had rushed their ship into Harbor to make it in time for the show. It had been chance that Nina had gotten here in time to help stop Inej’s hanging, chance that the winds had blown fairly.

 

            When Nina spoke of this fact, Kaz’s face had paled with memories of Inej outfitted in a noose, but Inej had simply smiled and clutched her partner’s hand tighter, her faith in the Saints in every breath. Nina had already told Inej the story, in this same room earlier that afternoon over lunch. She already knew Inej had deemed her survival and Nina’s luck as part of a grander plan from the realm of Morzokova’s pantheon.

 

            “So, you’re saving the Fjerdans from their backwards ways, huh?” Jesper was the first to speak when Nina finished the story, with tears streaming down her cheeks. Her lips moved into a smile, a ruffle of laughter flitted through the room.

 

Nina didn’t know if her tears were of grief, as they so often were, or of sheer happiness to be reunited with these friends of hers.

 

            “He would have wanted that.” Wylan smiled softly as he let Nina go.

 

            “I know he would have.” Inej piped in.

 

            “To Helvar.” Kaz said, raising his glass. Nina gaped, but Brekker only inclined his chin, his dark eyes latched on hers. Something was unguarded in his eyes, something that promised Nina he meant it, wholeheartedly. It meant everything to Nina, each of them meant more than she could possibly say.

 

            Five glasses toasted on the floor of a ship, five clinks for a sixth in silence.

 

            “To Matthias.” They echoed, each lifting their rum to their lips. Nina smiled, true and full.

 

Life was beginning to seem possible again. Maybe her trek through Winter was giving way to Spring.

 

            We loved you, drüskelle. You were loved more than waffles. We always will love you. Like the ice, we will never forget.

 

           

 

 

 

INEJ

 

            Kaz had fallen asleep. Kaz Brekker, the deadliest man in Ketterdam, Bastard of the Barrel and wrath incarnate, had fallen asleep with his head on her shoulder as they sat in her Captain’s quarters. After Nina’s story, Jesper and Wylan had begun catching Nina up on their plans for the college they were building, Jesper adding in bits about his successful plays on the market. Inej had told Nina her own tales this afternoon over lunch, and had been content to sit and listen. Kaz had joined in every now and then, but he’d fallen silent half a bell ago. Inej smiled as she realized the truth; Kaz had schemed for ten years for this night, and now, he could afford a bit of rest.

 

            When Inej had seen him on the docks, as he rushed toward her on the gangplank, she’d known. She’d known she’d made the right choice. She’d held a funeral for a brother she’d never met, but loved all the same. When Kaz had reached her, he’d kissed her without a moment’s hesitation, without a single drop of fear. He’d picked her up off her feet, and set her on the rail of the ship across from the gangplank. Her demons hadn’t screamed, either. Instead, she’d lost herself in the feel of his arms around her, in the kiss to her lips that she’d always dreamt of. This kiss… this kiss was the one she’d waited for, and would have waited another lifetime for. It was not hesitant, it was unrestrained. Unburdened. A kiss that was kind and gentle and forceful all at once.

 

            It was a kiss like the Sea. All consuming with the endless possibility of floating.

 

            “I love you. I love you. I love you.” Kaz had whispered in between breaks from her lips. She’d never seen Kaz so open, so pure. It was Kaz void of fear. It was Kaz at peace after a decade’s long march through the trenches of grief.

 

            Thank you, Saints. Be at peace, brother of my heart. Jordie.

 

            “I love you.” Inej whispered in return once he’d paused, tears of untainted joy crept down her cheeks. His eyes had latched on hers, fingers drifting toward his pocket. Inej had inclined her head, but Kaz had stopped whatever his plan had been when they heard a shout from Jesper. Their friends were waiting.

 

            “We should invite them up, have a drink.” Inej whispered into Kaz’s throat, leaving a delicate kiss just above his collar, a collar that was speckled in blood that Inej knew was not his own. Blood drained from a lion.

 

            “Fine.” He sighed, but Inej saw the slant of his mouth turn upward. His eyes shown down at her, only a few inches above her from where she sat on the rail, her legs wrapped snugly around his hips.

 

            “Then, we go home.” Inej smiled and he nodded once as she shouted down for the rest of them.

 

            Kaz was sleeping against her arm, and Inej couldn’t stop herself from looking down at his face as best she could from the angle without disturbing him. The lines of him were softer, smoothed in a serene slumber. Inej knew that Kaz never slept unless he was one-hundred percent certain he was safe. At least, he never slept restfully unless he was positive. As far as Inej knew, that was when he was behind locked doors, and only ever in her company as they shared a bed. Otherwise, Kaz was alert, even with his eyes shut. Always ready for a fight, a habit she assumed he’d picked up on the streets at a very young age. It said something that Kaz slept, now. He slept with her cabin door unlocked, knowing that the people around him would never harm him, only protect him. Inej felt the winds in her lungs turn warm like summer at the thought, Kaz and Jordie were both safe, for the first time in far too long. Kaz Brekker knew it too, as he dozed silently.

 

            “He’s asleep.” Jesper gasped from across the floor and Inej felt a smile bloom on her lips as she watched her avri.

 

            “ Saints, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him actually sleep. I like him better unconscious.” Nina chuckled softly.

 

            “We should head out.” Wylan yawned as he leaned against Jesper’s shoulder, a ginger haired copy of Kaz at her own side. Inej nodded and began to shift slightly, a tiny noise of protest escaped Kaz’s lips and Inej glared as the rest of them muffled laughter.

 

            “Home?” Inej whispered down to Kaz, who finally sat up, rubbing a hand over his face. His eyes danced around the room sharply, surprise washed over his face before he shuttered his expression.

 

            “I slept.” Kaz mumbled, seemingly more to himself than those around him.

 

            “Carry me back to the house, Jesper.” Nina groaned as she began to stand, dusting pieces of the crackers they’d shared from her tan pants.

 

            “Oh hell no, you both drank more than me tonight. I will carry no one.” Jesper laughed and Wylan groaned, clearly Jesper had anticipated the question from the Merchling as well. Inej couldn’t help but laugh as Wylan made grabby motions to Jesper to be helped from the floor.

 

            “I’m a cripple and if I can walk so can you.” Kaz jested to Wylan, already standing and shrugging on his coat.

 

            “As if Inej wouldn’t be the one carrying you, Brekker.” Nina retorted, mischief lined her grin. Kaz rolled his eyes as Inej stood and began buttoning up her own coat.

 

            “I wouldn’t carry him. He knows damn well I’m not dragging him through the city.” Inej chuckled.

 

            “That’s my girl.” Kaz quipped with a crooked smirk as he walked toward the door, as if he hadn’t just made Inej’s skin flush with a single comment. Jesper wiggled his eyebrows as Inej passed, she left him with a punch to the arm.

 

            “You’re redder than my hair.” Wylan laughed, his pupils slightly wide from the rum they’d drank.

 

            “Hush, all of you.” Inej sighed under her breath, walking out the door after Kaz. Inej paused to let them file out and to lock the door before she caught up with them on the docks.

 

            The night air was crisp, the harbor breeze biting in the early spring night. Inej couldn’t wait to get to the Slat, that black sweater of Kaz’s was calling her name from across the city. Inej caught up to Kaz, listened to Nina mumble about how she should have brought her kefta as they walked up the docks toward Ketterdam proper. At the end of the boardwalk, she and Kaz both paused as their group continued on. It was clear they hadn’t realized; she and Kaz were going their own way, now.

 

            At the absence of Kaz’s cane tapping on the ground, Nina turned and paused Jesper and Wylan to look back at Inej with a quirk of her head.

 

            “Are you both coming or not? It’s freezing.” Nina chuckled.

 

            “For a Fjerdan ambassador, you sure whine about the cold a hell of a lot.” Kaz said, eyes narrowed in amusement.

 

            “For Saints sake you get half a bell of sleep and here you are, being a down right pain in my ass.” Nina rolled her eyes.

 

            “Oh.” Wylan said softly, his lips turned down in a ghost of a frown. Inej smiled in return, she knew Wylan had realized what Nina and Jesper had not, yet.

 

            “You’re both going back to the Barrel.” Wylan finished his realization. Inej saw Jesper tip his head, recognizing it too.

 

            “Well, we do live there. Also, I miss my corner of damp and dark. Us monsters begin to recoil in too much luxury.” Kaz said, his hands tightened on the crows head of his cane beside her. Inej could read his silent language, Kaz didn’t necessarily want to part with them, either. He’d never admit it.

 

            “But aren’t your bags from Ravka at our house?” Jesper tried.

 

            Kaz shook his head briskly, “Grabbed them this afternoon before I went back to my side of the city.”

 

            “But Khalid and Rahul?” Wylan questioned. Inej felt her chest expand in warmth despite the air around her. They were coming up with excuses not to part.

 

            “They know I’ll be around to see them tomorrow. I spoke with them before we left.” Inej answered.

 

            “But… I just came back. Wouldn’t you rather sleep in a bed with me, Inej? I promise you I’m a way better pillow and I laugh more.” Nina smiled softly, her green eyes let Inej in on the sight of something sad beneath.

 

            “Tomorrow, I’ll be over to the house.” Inej smiled brightly in hopes of picking up her friend’s spirits. Inej understood, despite that they’d all had time together since the day prior, it was not nearly enough. Not after these past two years, not after all Nina had been through. Even if it was a “see you soon”, it felt like it had come too soon. Things had changed, their world had changed in these past years.

 

            “Card night?” Kaz piped in, speaking to Jesper who paused his tapping on his revolvers. Inej watched as Jesper’s face lit up, it was not the addicted sort of smile. It was the promise of a night amongst friends that now brightened the sharp shooters face, a night with no gamble, only company.

 

            “At the Club?” Jes grinned. Kaz nodded, Inej knew he meant in the private parlor, away from the temptation for Jesper.

 

            “Are we invited?” Nina perked up, squinting her eyes between the two men.

 

            “No.” Jesper and Kaz said in unison. Nina guffawed, but Inej shrugged. She wanted this for Kaz, these nights he shared with Jesper, just as Inej’s own time with Nina alone was equally important to her spirit.

 

            “Invite Khalid and Rahul.” Kaz ignored Nina and Jesper nodded eagerly. Inej turned her face to Kaz in surprise, her heart kicking in her chest. Kaz was including her cousin and her oldest friend, in his plans. Inej realized then, that Kaz truly considered Khalid and Rahul his friends, as well.

 

            “I’ll skip too, let’s go to that bistro on Berstraat, just the three of us.” Wylan smiled between Inej and Nina.

 

            “Oh! Excellent. Then, we can be happily drunk off our asses and they can all come searching for us.” Nina beamed before she shot a glare at Jesper and Kaz as if to say “traitors”.

 

            “Now that we’ve all booked our social calendars, Inej?” Kaz smirked, as if he hadn’t started making plans in the first place. With Kaz, his words might say one thing, his actions on the other hand, well… those never lied. Inej rolled her eyes but took his outstretched arm.

 

            With that, for the first time, Inej walked into the Barrel with Kaz on the ground. Arm in arm and unafraid.

 

            Kings and Queens did not fear what lurked in the darkness, for they ruled over that, too.

Chapter 94: Memorable Flames

Summary:

Inej returns to the Slat with Kaz, a new era has begun.

Notes:

Chapter 94!!!

Hi everyone! Sorry this one is late, I meant to have it up last night but my internet began having a fit. Anyways, this one was originally part of the next one, but i elected to break them up because what's coming next is very special. <3 I also just felt like this scene needed to happen, it's never so easy. You'll understand, but I'll leave another note at the end. I hope you love it, this one was so much fun to write. Like, so much fun. <333

Thank you as always for your support, you guys. I love you all so much and I just want you to know it. I'm getting back to comments as we speak and will continue later this afternoon as well! <3 Thank you for your patience with me, guys. I can't tell you how much i appreciate you.

Drop me a comment with what you think! Ahhh! I just can't wait. <3

"Look What You Made Me Do" by Taylor Swift. (I had to. You'll understand. It just fits, okay? Haha)

INEJ

 

            Kaz opened the front door of the Slat to several boisterous hoots of victory, Inej trailed behind him. She didn’t know why she felt odd, nerves bubbling under her skin. Perhaps it was because she’d never thought this day would come, the day she could use the stairs to the attic in front of the entirety of the Dregs. The day that they’d all know whom warmed Kaz’s bed, and comparatively, who had her eternal protection as both Wraith and Captain.

 

            “Dime Lions are no more! Dirix and Kent took their house. Awaiting orders and establishing a watch over the territory lines as we speak!” Rotty exclaimed in greeting to Kaz as he stepped into the foyer, Pim on his heels. Clearly, The Dregs had been waiting for Kaz’s arrival, celebrating a huge victory for the gang. Inej noticed several of the less high-ranked Dregs in the common room to her left. Aster, one of Per Haskell’s old cronies who had pledged allegiance to the Dregs and Kaz after the coup was twisting a deck of yellowed cards in his arthritic-looking fingers. Arman was sitting on a stool, looking tired. Inej knew he’d been with Kaz for part of this evening, he’d used his abilities without hesitancy the past few days. The healer looked like he needed a good twelve bells of shuteye at the very least.

 

            “Boss.” Anika stepped out of Kaz’s office door, her eyes reminiscent of stress and exhaustion. Inej knew the blonde had to be ready to hand the reins back to Dirtyhands, after leading the Dregs for over the past month in Kaz’s stead.

 

            Eyes were on Inej, she felt it. Eyes from Aster, and some of the other Dregs scattered about the common room and foyer. They all knew, now. Inej wasn’t used to it, wasn’t used to the hint of malice in their eyes that was lacking in those who she trusted. Those like Pim, Rotty, Anika, Arman, and Roeder. Those were the Dregs who had known of hers and Kaz’s relationship prior to the past two days. To the rest, they were only just realizing that the Wraith and Dirtyhands were interlocked, equal pieces in the chess board over Ketterdam. A queen who could move freely to protect the King; A King slower in pace but always maneuvering the board to his will.

 

            Inej stared longingly at the stairs toward the haven of her and Kaz’s own space. She’d known this was coming, facing the Dregs. Kaz had told her that they all knew. She just hadn’t expected to feel anything but eternally confident. She rolled her shoulders back as she met each gang member’s gaze head on. She lingered on Aster, squinting just slightly when his grip tightened on his mug of what Inej could only guess was ale.

           

            “We need to assign some of the newer recruits to the current territory and get some veterans on our new turf. Anika, Rotty, Pim, Aster, Roeder- My office.” Kaz rasped, not pausing to acknowledge any of the random bouts of congratulations shouted from several members in the crowd that was growing by the second, Dirtyhands had checked back in. Inej paused. Kaz hadn’t included her in his list; she could slip away. She could navigate this room in shadow, slink up the stairs in silence. Maybe even use her old hiding spot in the storage closet to eavesdrop on Kaz’s meeting. The entire idea felt cowardly. It felt like an old habit that Inej was clinging to in order to maintain her armor of shadow.

 

            Captain Inej Ghafa was bolder than even the Wraith. She would not shy away from the penetrating gazes on her person, she would not run. Instead, Inej walked through the door of Kaz’s office right behind him. She needed no summons, she needed no invitation. She was his equal.

 

            “I assume you meant me, as well.” Inej whispered lowly, for only Kaz to hear. She leaned her hip against the side of his desk, just as he sank into his chair. The corner of his mouth lifted in a private smirk.

 

            “You are a given, darling.” Kaz mumbled, flicking his gaze to her just once as the rest of their group filed in to Kaz’s office. Inej snorted in amusement under her breath as she took in the very substantial pile of paperwork resting in the corner of the desk. Kaz had a lot to catch up on, Inej realized. She noticed a list of missives in Anika’s careful penmanship clipped to the top. At least Anika had been organized in the chaos. Inej also noted a file under Kaz’s crow shaped paperweight, it was black with the emblem of the Crow Club emblazed in sultry maroon ink. Inej had seen Kaz take the same file from Jesper this afternoon, it was the Club’s sales reports and documentation from the past month. Jesper, as partial owner, had taken up Kaz’s share of the work.

 

Inej hadn’t missed the way Kaz’s eyes had widened when he’d skimmed it, Jes had waited for his approval. She suspected Jesper had exceeded Kaz’s expectations in his new role of running the numbers by hand, though her avri hadn’t said it to his co-owner. Only nodded his head in that very Kaz Brekker way of his. It had clearly been enough for Jesper, though. The man had beamed from ear to ear, proud of himself.

 

            Saints, he’s going to need a lot of caffeine tomorrow, Inej thought dumbly as Anika took up the space beside Kaz’s desk on his other side.

 

            “I’m glad you stayed on the team of the living, Wraith.” Anika’s eyes sparked, a small dip of her chin in Inej’s direction. It was respect, and genuine at that. Inej didn’t hesitate to smile to the Dregs lieutenant.

 

Rotty and Pim both sat in the chairs across from the desk whilst Roeder leaned near the door. Aster was the last to enter, his dark hair was graying on either side of his severe face. If Inej were to guess, she’d suspect the man had to be at least sixty. Around Per Haskell’s age. His eyes were gray like dishwater and equally lacking in anything pure. Inej remembered how the elder Dreg always looked down on Kaz when Haskell had led the gang, in fact, Inej had been surprised when he hadn’t followed the previous gang leader out of this house. Now, he took orders from the same young man that he’d called a “twisted little skiv” on more than one occasion.

 

“Welcome back, Inej.” Pim grinned and Inej nodded to him, grateful for the warmth in his eyes. Pim, like Rotty, had always been kind to Inej. Especially during her early months with the Dregs. Pim had once even punched a man in front of the Crow Club when he’d whistled at Inej proactively. Inej had never forgotten that kindness. Pim had shattered two fingers on the bastard’s jaw, and when Inej had thanked him, he’d simply said “worth it” with a smile.

 

Kaz began speaking, all eyes falling back to their leader. Well, almost all eyes. Aster was staring at Inej as he sulked in the corner of the room, like a coiled asp ready to strike. He clearly hadn’t taken well to the idea of Inej being Kaz’s partner in all ways. Inej met his eyes with ease and neutrality as Kaz spoke of his idea for a security layout around the newly acquired Dime Lion’s territory; he gave out orders for Roeder to scope the sector tonight, in order to guarantee there were no more lions ready to prowl. Roeder would be on the roofs and there would be a ground crew comprised of several men from Dirix’s already on scene party. Kaz depicted his orders for Aster to join Dirix the following morning in order to begin a show of letting the barrel populace know of the new leadership in that sector of the city.

 

Aster had nodded, his ugly eyes hadn’t moved to Kaz, though. It was a mistake. Inej felt it, the shift of Kaz’s attention. In the air, phantom rage began to plume like smoke. Kaz said nothing, though Inej caught the turn of his head, his eyes assessing Aster’s angry stance. It was strike one in Dirtyhands’ score board.

 

            The meeting continued, Inej offered her plan to scope the docks the following day, ensuring already existing Dregs territory would not be infringed on with the stretch of their men across double the territory. Blacktips and Liddies wouldn’t stand a chance, but Inej would confirm it. Roeder had nodded gratefully; he knew she was lessening some of the work for him.

 

Two spiders always make for finer webs.

 

The meeting finished with Anika beginning to relay vital information to Kaz regarding Club business in his absence, Inej took her leave with the others. She walked with Pim and Roeder into the foyer of the Slat, ignoring the burning eyes of Aster, even when he brushed past them back to the common room. Inej saw him mutter to James, another Dreg member Inej was relatively unfamiliar with. Thugs of a different era.

 

Once Inej had said hello to several other members gathered on the ground floor of the Slat, she began to make her way to the stairs, intent on being in the sacred space of the attic. She was tired, still a little hazy off the rum from the ship, and wanted normalcy. She knew Kaz wouldn’t show it, but he had to be exhausted. He’d fallen asleep on the ship, and maybe tonight, he’d sleep in perfect peace.

 

The type of peace that follows the last nail in a coffin, a headstone laid into the ground. Jordie was home. Pekka was dead. He’d done what he set out to do.

 

She wanted her avri to sleep. To take care of himself. She knew he hadn’t eaten anything besides crackers on her ship, he’d barely even touched breakfast at the Van Eck residence that morning.

 

Inej began making tentative plans to leave through the window to fetch them a late night meal from the always-open diner on the corner down the street from the Slat, Kaz would surely be engrossed with Anika a little longer, she’d be back by the time he climbed up to their rooms.

 

That’s when the coiled asp struck.

 

“Which position will it be tonight, Wraith? On your knees? Brekker brought you back from the whore house, anyways. You must have some tricks between your legs to get him to stick around. Must be easy to sleep your way to the top.” Aster boomed from the base of the stairs that Inej had been halfway up.

 

Inej froze.

 

 

KAZ

 

            “I left the key to this office in the top drawer- “Anika had begun as Kaz straightened his desk. The door was open a crack to the foyer, they both heard it, Aster’s deep voice yelling. Kaz was on his feet in an instant, but Anika was the one to slam open the door to the office, her blonde hair blowing with the force of the movement. Kaz was behind her, cane in hand. As Kaz stepped into the foyer of the Slat, the entire house had gone quiet in the wake of Aster’s comment to Inej.

 

            Kaz was going to kill him. Kaz was going to enjoy it. He’d taken one life tonight, why not make it a spree? Aster could join Rollins in the ground or at the bottom of a piss-water canal.

 

            Kaz hadn’t expected Anika’s rage. Her pistol was drawn, the safety clicking off was the only sound in the room. Inej had not turned her face to the room, her back facing the foyer. She was frozen mid-step on the staircase.

 

            “What the hell did you just say?” Anika growled, her boots clicked on the wood of the floor. She took her steps toward Aster languidly, stretching a single moment into impossible lengths. Kaz was seething, and yet, he stayed planted where he stood. Anika rarely lost her temper, but clearly, the lieutenant was past an invisible breaking point. Kaz flicked his eyes to Inej, but he still couldn’t see her face. She was as still as the bannister of the very staircase she stood upon.

 

            “I only said what most of us are thinking.” Aster spat, he straightened his shoulders, facing Anika. The old man was clearly unafraid of the iron Anika was packing. He didn’t believe she’d do it.

 

            “In my time, women served their purpose. This world ain’t for you. And that,” Aster paused with a jut of a single finger to Inej’s back, “Is even more of a disgrace. That bitch always thought she was better, spying the entire time she fucked a leader who only gained his position by turning his back on the same man who gave him his place in this fucking city.”

 

            Anika raised her pistol toward the man’s chest. Kaz leaned back against the doorway to the office, maintaining his mask of Dirtyhands despite the very soles of his shoes aching to carry his legs to Inej. He knew she did not want him to intervene, somehow. He felt it in Inej’s air of silence, saw it in her rigid posture against the storm unfolding behind her. He saw Pim taking a subtle step toward Anika and Aster, prepared to intervene for the woman he was so evidently attached to.

 

            “You’ve ignored almost every command of post I’ve given you as leader this past month. You think I didn’t notice how you skirted shifts bouncing the Club to get wasted down at the Shank? You thought because I’m a woman, and Kaz was gone, that you slipped past? Proud of your little excursions down to the Vixen’s Garden?” Anika lifted her chin, a quirk of her head signaled her rage. Kaz had not known that Aster visited the pleasure houses. The geezer’s time was ticking. “Let me tell you, old-timer, how you got used to a gang with a leader who coddled you under his thumb with drink and cards. It’s been two years under the command of Brekker, and you’re richer than you’ve ever been. Respected. Feared outside the Barrel and within it. Now, you dare to speak ill of not only the woman above you, but of the only man who gave you respect and a corner of the world? You dare to speak ill of me? Perhaps it’s time for a woman to serve her purpose.” Anika stepped forward once more. Aster looked at several members of the Dregs. Some old, some new. As if they’d step forward. They all knew what the cost would be if a coup began. Dirtyhands would not tolerate it. Would not fall. The Wraith would not stand aside, either. The people in this room were loyal to the crow and cup on their arms.

 

            “Go ahead, by all means. Step forward, I’d love to stain the floors red again. They need a new polish anyhow.” Kaz sighed with a flick of his wrist, leaning his hip against the wall as he surveyed the room with every bit of leisure and boredom he could conjure. Several Dregs actually took a step back, namely, James and Hector, some members who had been there the night of the first coup. The night Kaz removed Per Haskell from this house.

 

            “Stop.” A voice of steel and embers emerged from Inej’s figure on the stairs. Heads shot up, looking to his avri.

 

            Inej turned around slowly, her features set into neutrality, yet her eyes raged. Only then, did Aster take a step back from Anika. Kaz saw him swallow.

 

 The Wraith had arrived home.

 

            Inej stepped down the stairs, calmly. Too calm. Kaz knew it when her eyes focused on Aster. The old man looked only at her eyes challengingly, a mistake. He should have been watching the way Inej braced one foot on the bottom step.

 

            In less than a blink, Inej struck out with her leg, a stunting kick to Aster’s kneecap had him dropping to the ground. Inej was a flash of shadow as she pinned Aster to the ground, Sankta Margaretha, her newest blade with a woman’s likeness as the handle, was braced to the soft skin of Aster’s throat, one of her knees between his legs, where Kaz knew a quick release razor blade could be found in her knee pad.

 

            “Do you want to know what my favorite position is, Aster?” Inej purred mockingly, her words grating as she leaned over her captive. The man let out a noise that could have been a word he wouldn’t dare speak when any movement of his throat would result in the breaking of his skin. Anika slipped her pistol into the holster at her belt, grinning wildly and content to let Inej carry on her work.

 

            Inej leaned into Aster’s face. “My favorite position is the one of power.” She kicked her knee up in such a way that every man in the room, even Kaz himself, damn near wanted to drop in sympathy pain. Kaz smirked as Aster screamed.

 

            Inej stood, leaving only a drop of crimson spilling from a shallow contact cut of her blade on Aster’s neck.

 

            “You’re alive by my mercy, you still have your balls because I chose to leave them attached to your body. Get out of this house.” Inej said, staring down at Aster, spine as straight as the knife in her hand.

 

            “You suli bitch!” Aster roared.

 

            It was the wrong reaction.

 

            Kaz pulled his pistol without a second thought. The shot rang out, and the room stilled as Aster’s blood pooled onto the ground, his eyes open yet shut forever. A bullet hole marred his forehead between his bushy gray brows.

 

            “Drop him in the canal.” Kaz rasped to no one in particular, sticking his gun back into his pocket.

 

            “Gladly.” Pim grinned. Rotty was already moving, too.

 

            Inej turned to Anika. “Do you remember, when I first moved into the Slat, and you told me this house would never have a woman’s touch?” Inej smirked.

 

            “I do, actually.” Anika replied as she straightened the sleeves of her tunic.

 

            “I think we just added it.” Inej grinned then, triumphant, even if it had been Kaz’s bullet to ring the final bell. Half the room broke in laughter around a corpse.

 

            “Good to have you back, officially, Captain Ghafa.” Anika chuckled. Kaz heard several people second the notion, even Dregs who hardly knew Inej.

 

            “I’m going to bed.” Inej finally looked to Kaz, a smile played on her lips. Kaz nodded, repressing the grin that railed to be let free on his own mouth, something still so new. Smiling.

 

Inej began walking up the stairs, in full view of every member of the Dregs present, not bothering to hide that she fished her key to their attic out of her pocket on her way.

 

She was unaware that an entire room watched as a Queen ascended her throne.

 

 

 

 

 

Once Inej disappeared, Kaz returned to his office, gathering some of his missives to look over while beside Inej in their bed. There was nothing that could stop him from going to her, now. Not after everything tonight. After Pekka. After what she’d done for Jordie. After her display of power. Nothing could hold Kaz Brekker back from his girl.

 

“Actually retiring before the sun’s up?” Rotty dared to make the joke as he paused in front of Kaz’s open office door, a tarp in his hand intended for Aster’s corpse.

 

Kaz paused, prepared to snap. Instead, he told the truth. He let one joke slip from his lips in the face of one of the most loyal members of the Dregs. Someone he almost considered yet another friend.

 

“Did you not see the exquisite woman with the daggers going upstairs? Of course I’m going to bed.”

 

It had been worth it when Rotty choked on laughter as he walked away.

 

Maybe, Kaz thought, comradery didn’t always equate to softness. Maybe, he had more friends than he’d thought.

 

 

 

Before Kaz climbed the stairs to the attic, he looked to Pim and Rotty carrying Aster’s corpse out of the house laughing even as they disposed of a body. He noticed Anika in the corner of the common room, chuckling softly as she poured herself a shot with Roeder, who would be departing for their newly acquired territory, soon. Kaz saw several other Dregs hunched over the coffee table, excitedly chatting over cards and victory, Aster’s death already disregarded.

 

In the end, Kaz supposed, every light died out. But perhaps, the difference between men like Pekka Rollins or Aster, compared to Jordie Rietveld or Matthias, was whether the absence of their light was memorable. It was the difference between the type of darkness that was common, like stumbling around a room in the middle of the night to find the light switch; the moment of blackness never to be thought of again once the lamp switched on. Unremarkable, easily tossed out of memories. Jordie and Matthias, their lights were remembered. The absence of their flame was profound. Their light had been like the sun. Even in the dead of night, one never forgot what it felt like to bathe in sunlight.

 

Aster and Pekka Rollins had already been forgotten. Their flames had burned out in a room of a thousand candles. Their absence was not even noticed, the light of the world undiminished.

Notes:

AHHH! OUR QUEEN. I just felt this had to happen, it would be too much to expect if no one reacted poorly to Kaz and Inej's relationship. It's a gang, there's still bad seeds even if we love the Dregs. <3

Socials for anyone who wants them:

tiktok & tumblr are both: @ravenyenn19

Chapter 95: Murderous Reunions

Summary:

A new era is dawning, and a reunion.

Notes:

Chapter 95!!!

Hi guys! So this is a few hours later than planned, but it's here now! So, I know on the last chapter, I said this would be the really special one, but I actually added this one in between because it felt like it needed to happen, in a way. It's a very light chapter, with plenty of hints as to what is coming up, but it's also very special in it's own way. You'll understand soon. <3 Anyways, I really hope you love it! Good news is, I already have the next one written because I elected to add this one, so you'll have a speedy update, too!

Thank you so so much you guys. As always, just... i can't express how much i appreciate your support and i adore your comments so much. I got back to quite a few today, but i'll get back to even more later this afternoon! Thank you again <3

Drop me a comment with what you think! I am steadily approaching that 100th chapter and I just cannot wait to see what you guys are looking forward to!

"Like Real People Do" by Hozier (it's the vibe, okay?)

KAZ

 

            Kaz pushed open the door to the attic to find Inej perched on his desk, a takeaway box of pastries beside her. She was wearing his sweater already, her bare legs swung absentmindedly in the air.

 

            He could absolutely get used to this being the first sight he saw when he entered their room. It hadn’t been something that had been possible before Ravka, it was brand new here in their attic. Kaz almost dropped the small bundle of missives he’d been carrying as he shut and locked the door.

 

            “I forgot how much I love these fried little puffs from the bakery down the street.” Inej said absently, her eyes appraising the small pastry in her fingers, Kaz knew she’d gotten the ones filled with raspberry, her favorite. He remembered that from her first years in the Dregs.

 

            “You left and went to the bakery in the time it took me to gather my papers?” Kaz chuckled, it was an obvious question, but he never tired of his Wraith’s uncanny abilities of speed when she wished it. She’d perhaps only come up the stairs twenty minutes before himself, after the business with Aster.

 

May he never find a moments rest in hell.

 

            “I couldn’t very well return home empty handed, mera chaar.” Inej gestured to the fresh loaf of bread sitting on the windowsill, ready to be broken up into a feast of crumbs for her birds.

 

            “I’m surprised you aren’t tending to the winged bastards already.” Kaz smirked as he tossed his blazer over his desk chair, his gloves following suit. He thieved one of the pastries for himself, they were still warm. Inej had lit the candles on his shelves and the lamp on his desk, it cast the room in a soft glow that felt like home. So many nights they’d now spent in this attic, it was almost a pity it wouldn’t be their normal residence for much longer. Almost.

 

            “They weren’t out on the ledge,” Inej frowned, casting her eyes back to the window. “Maybe they found someone else.”

 

            Inej was pouting. Kaz almost grinned. He knew why the birds hadn’t been waiting, they had not found someone else. Kaz had hired one of the street kids with a promise of a thousand kruge and shelter in the Dregs to scatter bread crumbs over the roofs of distinct buildings between the Slat and four blocks away to a new window ledge. A new building closer to the harbor, but still well within Dregs territory. He had specifically chosen buildings that had rooftop access through small fire escapes, something the boy could maneuver without any of the training of a spider.

 

            The murder needed to know where their mistress would be, if things went Kaz’s way. If Kaz had to guess, they’d check this window again soon enough.

 

            “Yes, Inej. You have stiff competition with the pigeons on the boardwalk, they sometimes drop their scraps while drunk.” Kaz quipped and Inej rolled her eyes, mumbling “shevrati” under her breath. Kaz paused the untying of his tie to leave a kiss on her temple, he was glad to see Aster had not riled her enough to dampen their return to the Slat. The bastard was dead and no longer worth their thoughts.

 

            Kaz had just moved away to begin hanging his tie on the rack in his wardrobe when Inej hopped off the desk.

 

            “What are the boxes for? I saw some in Anika’s room too as I passed by on my way up here.” Inej mumbled. Kaz froze.

 

            Ghezen damn him. When he’d returned to the Slat this afternoon, he’d brought some of the cardboard boxes from the convenience store down the street with him. He’d only come up to the attic for a moment to drop them off with their bags from Ravka. He’d been highly focused on his looming meeting with the Dregs to coordinate their seizure of the Dime Lions territory. He’d been focused on Pekka’s demise. He’d tossed the boxes against the wall by the bathroom door, intending to move them under his bed, but he’d forgotten. What good was his scheming mind when he shot holes right through his plans with such obvious mistakes?

 

            “Kaz?” Inej stepped closer to him, he felt it rather than heard it. Fuck, how do I answer that?

 

            “I got them for you.” It wasn’t a lie. The boxes were for both of them. Kaz had known Anika had begun packing as well, same with Pim and Arman. Several others. The Slat would no longer be the primary headquarters of the Dregs. While he would still retain his office in this house, the Dregs were expanding. There already weren’t enough rooms, many had been doubled up even in the smallest spaces. With the expansion into Dime Lions territory, the gang was sure to grow by at least ten or twenty new recruits, and now the Slat would be for the newer gang members, with Rotty over seeing as Kaz’s second official lieutenant. Rotty would train new members and help coordinate with Kaz where they should be placed in rank and position based on their skills.

 

When Kaz had posed the new position to Rotty in his office earlier this afternoon, the burly man had almost passed out, Kaz was sure of it. Rotty had eagerly agreed, his excitement clear. Kaz had been glad of it, for while Rotty was missing out on his own apartment, he would now get the largest room in the Slat outside of the attic to himself, and with that, Kaz had already hired contractors to replace the flooring and add a fireplace for his newest lieutenant. Rotty had earned it, time and time again. Kaz would never be able to say the words, but he could show it in action, in promotion and a small kindness.

 

The new apartment building was three times the size of this one, not to mention it would allow those who had earned their place in this gang from the beginning to have more than a simple room of their own. Anika would have her own apartment, same with Arman, Pim, and several others. It was not luxurious by Van Eck standards, but they would have a modest home that was entirely their own, mostly just bedrooms with sitting areas and kitchenettes, but something more than what they currently had. Not to mention what awaited on the top floor, the sixth floor, of the building. That belonged to Kaz and Inej. The rest of the building, well that was something fresh, also.

 

            “Why do I need boxes?” Inej was directly behind him now. In his silence, Inej touched a single hand to his lower back through his shirt, a touch as light as a feather to seek his permission to touch him with his back turned. Kaz couldn’t help but lean into her touch. At his consent, slender arms clad in black cashmere wrapped around his torso, linking in front of him on his stomach. He felt Inej’s forehead lean into his back. He was suddenly reminded of everything he wanted to thank her for, what she’d done for Jordie…

 

            “You’re hiding things from me, I can tell.” Inej mumbled but Kaz heard the smile in her voice.

 

            She wasn’t wrong. She also had no idea how much he was focused on her hands at the moment, praying she didn’t lower them to his pants. Not because he wouldn’t absolutely welcome that sort of touch at this moment, but because there were rings in his pocket. It wasn’t time yet. Not yet. Kaz almost gave up then and there, for about the ninth time. He just wanted to ask her, but he was Kaz Brekker. If he was going to do it, it would be done right. Her ring would be right. The moment right. Turns out some parts of tradition from his Lij roots hadn’t died out.

 

            Kaz began to shift in the circle of her arms, he wanted to look at her. Inej let him go and when he turned around, she was already peeking up at him. He saw happiness there, but he saw something else, too. A light nervousness that told him she was genuinely concerned with the secrets he’d been keeping. Kaz could not blame her for that, for as long as he’d known her, he’d been one part honest and ninety-nine parts deceptive. He should have known his best spy and the person who knew him best in this world would have picked up on these small discrepancies of his current reality, things like rings in his pocket.

 

            “Can you trust me and worry about the boxes tomorrow?” Kaz asked as he brought his own arms up to wrap around her waist. She raised a dark brow, eyes regarding him quizzically.

 

            “Do you promise you aren’t kicking me out?” She laughed as she ran her hands over his sides. Kaz’s lips broke into a smile, he couldn’t hold it back.

 

He was planning the exact opposite of what she now joked. He wanted something even more permanent than their attic, while he would still maintain this as his own room for when it was necessary; Kaz had thought about future somedays. Perhaps he and Inej would stay here when her parents were in town and forfeit the new space to them so they could stay somewhere even more private than Jesper and Wylan’s, though Kaz knew Wylan was a host at heart. Or maybe even allow Khalid and Rahul the space if they ended up enjoying their time here, and decided to return in the future, despite how it had begun.

 

Their attic would always be here, if they needed it. It would just hold less of their belongings. Kaz couldn’t wait to show her. He’d bought this new building just after the auction two years prior. He’d begun planning for it after Inej’s first return to Ketterdam, and now, all this time later, he was certain he’d made the right choice in what to make this new building that would belong to the Dregs. Belong to himself and Inej, though she had no idea that he’d added her name to the deed once construction began. He’d have to tell her that, too. Inej Ghafa now owned real estate in Ketterdam.

 

“I promise I’m not going to kick you out, mera nadra.” Kaz chuckled as he leaned down to place a kiss on her forehead, she hummed beneath him before a yawn escaped her lips with a squeak. It was late, maybe close to five bells in the morning if Kaz had to guess. He was beginning to feel the effects of the evening as well, even with the small nap he’d somehow caught on Inej’s ship.

 

“You squeaked.” Kaz observed and Inej laughed with a poke to his ribs.

 

“Hush.” She chastised, amusement clear on her face when he took a glance down to her.

 

“Dangerous Captain Ghafa, squeaks like a mouse when she yawns, snores when she sleeps.” He joked. The next poke to his ribs was slightly more forceful, he couldn’t help but laugh.

 

“Ah yes, and Kaz Brekker, most feared man in Ketterdam, who prefers to be on the small side of the cuddle while he sleeps.” Inej joked, her voice muffled by his shirt as she leaned into his chest.

 

“You like it.”

 

“I do. Best not to let these secrets out though, Brekker, our reputations will fall into disrepair. You know who would take our places as the most feared in Ketterdam, don’t you?” She chuckled.

 

“Who?” Kaz smiled as he rested his chin on her head.

 

“Wylan Van Eck and Jesper Fahey. We cannot allow this to happen.”

 

Kaz lost his hold on his laughter. He held her tighter.

           

            Just then, a very loud chorus of caws began. There was a thud as what was presumably a wing, brushed against the glass of the window. It took Inej less than a heartbeat to drop Kaz in favor of her birds.

 

            Kaz couldn’t help the continuous grin on his face as he watched her damn near bounce to the window, bread loaf in hand. Kaz removed his vest and began to collect his things to get ready for bed as Inej perched herself in the window, opening it up the early spring chill.

 

            “I have missed you, too!” Kaz heard Inej whisper excitedly as she began doling out bread crumbs. He rolled his eyes as the birds nipped and cawed, vying for the Wraith’s attention. Kaz left her to it, and went to the bathroom to change and clean up.

 

            It was only when he exited the bathroom, that he heard Inej praising her birds.

 

            “Kaz! I don’t think you can hate them anymore!” Inej called, she was smiling broadly, her hair a mess of knots from the wind blowing in from the window.

 

She looked beautiful, if she had been in a safe, she would have been the first thing he stole. Kaz Brekker knew priceless when he saw it.

 

“I doubt they’ve come up with any argument that could sway my court, darling.” Kaz quipped as he limped to toss his shirt in the laundry bin.

 

“Come here and let Kaz Pecker argue the cause himself.” She responded, her back turned to him as she leaned over the ledge of the window, looking around the corner as the birds feasted.

 

Kaz Pecker. He’d almost forgotten this endearing pun Inej had decided on. He snorted in amusement but his legs carried him to the window on their own accord. He ignored his bad limb’s protest as he hefted himself up to sit beside Inej.

 

Only then did Kaz realize that Inej had collected things into her lap, using his sweater as a basket. Shiny things.

 

“Is that a fucking pocket watch?” Kaz gaped, his hand reaching out for the brass time piece in Inej’s lap.

 

“I think they’ve collected things for us,” Inej grinned triumphantly as she eyed her collection of small corvid treasures.

 

“Is that…?” Kaz began as he noticed coins.

 

The birds had collected kruge. Only coins, but still currency. Currency that had been stolen, Kaz’s favorite kind.

 

“Kruge, Kaz.” Inej confirmed with a chuckle. She knew him well.

 

Kaz watched as Inej dumped bread crumbs in her hand, holding it out to the bird of his namesake, Kaz knew which was Pecker immediately. The bird Inej had chosen as his namesake had only one eye, a scar covered the bird’s left eye socket. The crow was barrel raised, he supposed. Like himself, he had the scars to prove it.

 

“They can stay, if they earn their keep.” Kaz said begrudgingly, already tossing the pocket watch to his desk. It was small, small enough to be carried by a bird, but well made. Kaz thought he might just keep it forever.

 

“You act like we gave you a choice, love.” Inej scoffed as a fight amongst crows broke out over her bread crumbs. Kaz groaned, but his eyes drifted to the smile on her lips, then to the floorboard in the bathroom that not even Inej knew could be lifted. Kaz had hidden those rings there, until tomorrow when he could begin making that dream a reality, with the help of Jesper and hopefully a Corpsewitch and a demolitionist.

 

            Once Inej was satisfied with her murder focused reunion, they finally sat in the bed. Only the candles on Kaz’s side table still burned as he looked over the missives he’d missed this month, Inej’s head rested on his shoulder.

 

            “So I can worry about the boxes tomorrow?” She mumbled sleepily. Kaz smirked, though she could not see it.

 

            “It’s driving you insane, isn’t it?”

 

            “Yes. I’m a spy. If you do not tell me soon, I’ll be forced to begin acting like a wraith and find out on my own what you’ve been hiding.” Inej replied, scooting closer.

 

            “Tomorrow morning, I’ll show you what the boxes are for.” Kaz said as he tossed his papers to the ground beside the bed, blowing out the candles.

 

            “I have to go to the ship tomorrow, and I promised I’d see Khalid and Rahul. I also have to scope the docks to make sure no one is making a move when the Dregs resources are stretched thin…” Inej began.

 

            “Spare me a few hours, just the morning.” Kaz pulled away to look at her, she moved slightly so he could position himself to lay beside her.

 

            “You act as though this month has not just been ours, mera chaar.” Inej smiled, though her eyelids were drooping with exhaustion. Kaz knew, she was still recovering. She still needed more rest, after the past week and a half. After she’d hung.

 

            “Are you complaining, Wraith?” Kaz jested.

 

            “Never, just tell me what we will be doing with these hours.” She mumbled, her eyes opened fully and he saw her intentional flirtation.

 

Damn her. She was convincing when she wanted to be.

 

“Not those activities, though maybe…” Kaz laughed as she stretched out an arm to smack him lightly in the shoulder.

 

“Just trust me, please?” Kaz asked, imploring her with his eyes.

 

Satisfied in his seriousness, Inej leaned up to place a kiss on his lips, a kiss that lingered despite the exhaustion.

 

She settled into his side, her head on his chest. Kaz had thought she’d fallen asleep when he heard her mumble.

 

“I love you.” Kaz kissed her head, and not for the first time, Kaz felt excited. He felt like something new was beginning. Something better.

 

I did it, Jordie. I made it. Rest, now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was only when Inej’s breathing turned deep and even that Kaz slipped from the bed, resting her head gently on the pillow. He couldn’t hold it in any longer, he had to tell her somehow even if he couldn’t actually tell her, yet.

 

Kaz limped to his desk, leaving his cane beside the bed so as to make as little noise as possible. He unlocked the top drawer, wincing when the key groaned slightly. A flick of his gaze showed Inej had not woken. Kaz took out the notebook that belonged to Inej, they’d left both of them here, locked away while they’d been in Ravka. The same journals they’d begun in order to write to each other while she was away on her voyages. Kaz turned to her next free page, the page she’d turn to first on her next voyage.

 

Kaz took his pen and ink well to the window sill, where dim light was beginning to filter in from the sunrise. He knew they’d only get a few hours of rest and he should be asleep, but he couldn’t wait anymore.

 

On that page, Kaz left Inej a note.

 

            I can’t wait to marry you.

 

 

 

 

Chapter 96: The Lenses of Life

Summary:

Home.

Notes:

Chapter 96!

It's been a hell of a haul getting this chapter right. I'm still sure I'd change a million things, but I've edited until my eyes bled. It's special, and the next one will be, too. I had to break them up though, this one was already almost 7k words. I just... damn guys I just really hope you love it. It's been so long awaited to get here. I cannot possibly explain my excitement for what is also coming. I love you all, I hope you love this one even though it is so late. <3

Thank you for your unending support, guys. You have no idea how much it means to me. <3

Drop me a comment with what you think, I'm begging you. I've convinced myself about 90 times this one isn't good, probably because I stared at it for too long, but I'd love to hear from you on this one. I love it. Even if it's not perfect, I love it. <3

"Alone With You" by Canyon City. (I've saved this song for all 95 chapters before this one. Listen to it, if you can. When they enter the building. You'll see what I mean.)

INEJ

 

            Kaz was still asleep. She’d gotten out of the bed, and he hadn’t even stirred. Inej had never seen him look quite like this before, despite the uncountable number of mornings she’d now woken beside him. He had to be exhausted after the day prior. Inej still couldn’t quite wrap her mind around it, Pekka Rollins was dead. Pekka Rollins would never come back to haunt Kaz, or herself.

 

            Saints hear me, that man’s pride was not that of a lion, it was that of a coward. I do not beg for forgiveness on this death, not for myself nor for Kaz. Your blade landed true, Sankt Petyr. Thank you for watching over Kaz in my stead.

 

            Inej checked the time as she stretched beside the bed, nine bells. She’d only slept for maybe four hours, but she felt more rested than she had since Ravka. Realistically, Inej knew Kane De Vries would come calling for his twisted sort of retribution. Inej knew there would be fights ahead of her and she still had Tante Heleen’s file from Kaz to continue analyzing. There were chores that needed tending on the Wraith after these months in port, and while Specht had taken care of the vessel himself in Inej’s absence, she felt a familiar itch in her muscles. An itch that could only be tamed by knots of ropes in her hands, the sea breeze on her face even in the harbor. Inej needed to take inventory of supplies for the ship, place orders with vendors in anticipation of her next voyage. There were a million and one things on Inej Ghafa’s to-do list, but for once, some of the oldest and neglected tasks had been dealt with. Things like helping Kaz to destroy Pekka Rollins. Things like laying Jordie Rietveld to rest, for her avri.

 

            Inej was more proud of Kaz than ever before. Not only had he had the courage to say goodbye, he’d done it with kindness and forgiveness. Inej had seen it last night on her ship, she’d seen some of the harbor water drain from his eyes; his expression had been clear even with the remains of tears. He had looked more complete, somehow. As if the sea had returned a piece of him to the shore with those explosions under the waves.

 

Kaz Rietveld had been the boy who’d drowned, but today, Kaz Brekker was there to help that boy out of the water. Inej loved both halves equally and without restraint. Kaz Brekker had become the man his younger self had needed, and for that, Inej admired him. She admired his bravery, his loyalty, his ruthlessness. She felt lucky, as she did every day, to be the woman privy to his sleeping form behind her.

 

            She tied off her braid, as she stood at the window, it was a gray day in Ketterdam, but the smog was lessened. Inej could see a tiny slice of the harbor from the attic window.

 

            Inej remembered when she’d lived in this same building but a floor below, in her tiny closet of a room. When Inej would wake each day and stretch from that lumpy cot, she’d look out the window and see if she could spy the harbor in the distance. It had become something like a fortune reading, despite that she had none of the sight. If she could see the harbor, it would be a good day. If she could not, the Saints hadn’t decided yet. She refused to label a day bad before it began, but she always hoped when she opened her eyes that she’d see that sliver of dark water in the distance.

 

            Maybe Inej had always been made to be a Captain on the sea, after all.

 

            Today was a good day, the Saints had willed it so.

 

            “Stay right there, please.” A sleepy whisper of stone and sand sounded from behind her. Inej felt a pull in her cheeks as she looked over her shoulder.

 

            Kaz’s hair was flattened against the pillow, his eyes barely open. There was the dust of stubble on his jawline that was only sharpened with the ghost of a smile on his lips. Kaz was smiling, first thing in the morning. Not a single ounce of caffeine had yet entered his system, either.

 

            Saints, that’s enough miracles for one day.

 

            “Why should I stay right here?” Inej questioned, turning her face back to the window.

 

            “So I can look at you, just as you are now.” Kaz mumbled, she heard the slight shift of sheets on the bed, as if he were getting more comfortable. Inej couldn’t help but laugh, she surely needed a shower, her hair had barely consented to a simple plait, and she definitely was not dressed for the day.

 

            “Wouldn’t you rather look at me from a closer perspective?” she mused, eyes still on that wedge of water in the distance.

 

            “No, because from here, I can see all of you.” Kaz’s voice was still weighted from sleep, as if there had been an extra stone added to the drag of his words. She loved it, never tired of it. Inej snorted in amusement before turning to look at him. He’d pulled a pillow under his arms, laying on his stomach, his chin resting on his hands. He looked comfortable, serene. She wondered how she’d never been able to see the weight on his shoulders before, because now, she saw the absence of that haunting sort of baggage. The weight of Pekka Rollins had been removed, the weight of Jordie’s body. She knew it did not mean Kaz would never think of those dark waters again, it didn’t mean he’d never have another nightmare, but Inej thought that maybe those things would have less hold on him.

 

Maybe her avri would be able to remove his demon’s talons with brave and bare fingers.

 

            “You look lazy,” Inej smiled. He grinned cheekily, like he knew exactly what sort of thoughts that crooked thing on his mouth provoked. A jitter of warmth shimmied down Inej’s spine when she imagined how he’d look in bed, just as he was now, but lacking a single stitch of clothing. Someday, she’d see that. Inej knew it to be true, they were working on it, together.

 

            “We woke later than I wished, so maybe I should toss the whole day away.” Kaz answered, sinking further back into the warmth of the sheets.

 

            “Now this is a look I’ve never seen.” Inej smirked with a snicker as she walked toward him and leaned over the bed.

 

            “What? Me, lazy?” Kaz’s eyes had fluttered shut as Inej hovered above him on the bed and pressed a kiss to his head through his messy hair. She felt a very sly hand reaching for her, making his movements known even as he wished to be sneaky.

 

            “Oh, no you don’t!” Inej was faster, pulling away from his hand’s reach and standing with her hands on her hips, something that she hadn’t realized she’d picked up from Mama; she dropped her hands at the realization. She knew Kaz had been about to pull her back into the bed; if he’d succeeded, she would have folded. She knew she would have. But, Inej had a great many things to accomplish. Even if the rugged-looking barrel boss in the sheets was entirely too tempting.

 

            “No fun, ‘Nej.” He mumbled dramatically as he pulled a pillow over his face, looking entirely younger than his age. Kaz Brekker pouting was another of her favorite looks.

 

            “Boxes. You promised.” Inej choked out with a chuckle. She lifted her foot above the bed to nudge his ankle through the sheets.

 

            “It’ll have to wait until this afternoon, unfortunately.” Kaz answered, finally sitting up and running his hands through his hair.

 

            Inej was going to explode. Maybe she should just go ask Anika, perhaps Kaz was renovating the Slat again? Getting it painted or having the floors done? Maybe he’d sprung for the Dregs to rent a different house in the meantime. Inej had a thousand different ideas.

 

            Her lips turned into a frown, but she caught herself. Maybe she’d just have to turn his own tactics against him. Inej grinned, a sly and calculated thing. She began her march toward the attic door, stopping only to procure a pair of Kaz’s sleep pants off the floor. She would not give the Dregs ammunition for banter over the next ten years by marching through the house bare-legged in Kaz’s sweater.

 

            “Where are you going?” Kaz said as he hefted himself from the bed.

 

            “Downstairs. I’m going to have a chat with Anika. She’ll tell me what the boxes are for. She had some in her room. Us girls have to stick together and all that,” Inej waved him off with her back turned.

 

            The panicked click of a cane on the floor followed her, she shed a private smile as he moved and blocked her path, looking down on her with dark eyes and long eyelashes that no man should have been blessed with.

 

            “No.” Kaz mumbled, a hint of pleading in his voice.

 

            “Are you trying to command me, Brekker?” Inej joked, she knew he never really would. Kaz had never commanded her, not in truth. Even if he had with the rest of the Dregs, her choices had remained her own. He’d tried once, in her early days, and quickly rectified his misstep. Kaz had always known that Inej Ghafa belonged to no one but herself.

 

            “Never, mera nadra. Just… please give me a few hours? Go see the ship and I’ll meet you there at two or three bells?” Kaz asked, his voice entirely unguarded. Inej hadn’t expected to see nerves coarse over him, she saw them in the slight tick of his jaw, the bob of his adam’s apple. Why was he nervous?

 

            Kaz Brekker looked like he was ready to beg, and Inej didn’t know what to make of it. Kaz was like the tallest mountain ranges in the north of Ravka, he bent to no one, not even the Saints could stop him from standing tall and forever proud. Now, pieces of his mountain range teetered. She’d never seen him plead so much with his eyes alone.

           

            “What is going on?” Inej narrowed her eyes in concern. He sighed, his fingers tightened on the crow’s head of his cane.

 

            “It’s good. I promise, just trust me and give me a few more hours. Please.” Kaz said, his eyelashes fluttered and Inej wanted to punch him in the arm. He knew how to use his features to sway his cause. She also wanted to kiss him. He’d used the word ‘please’. He wanted her to trust him, evidence in his use of manners.

 

            In the end, she did not punch him. She kissed him. Kissed him for longer than she intended before she broke away and mumbled with a grin:

 

            “Fine. If you don’t tell me by tonight though, I’ll be a spy again, mera chaar. You’ll be my mark.”

 

            “Saints help me; I don’t want to be Mark. He’s always the punchline of my jokes.” Kaz whispered through a laugh as he let her go.

 

            It was only as Inej walked to the docks, ready to get to work on the Wraith, that she realized Kaz had had another key on his key ring. She’d noticed when he’d been getting dressed and slipped his keys into his pocket. She didn’t know what it was for.

 

            “Something good,” Inej muttered to herself, coming up empty handed in her careful organization of the possibilities of what Kaz meant.

 

            Kaz Brekker, ever scheming, never ceasing to surprise her. Inej thought him less like the hive of bees in a dresser drawer, now. Kaz Brekker was surprising like falling stars. Inej had only seen a handful in her days on Papa’s shoulders in the Ravkan countryside, but she remembered every single one. Just like Kaz’s surprises.

 

           

 

 

 

 

KAZ

 

            He had intended to keep his promise to Inej and show her the new building this morning, but he’d realized as he laid down beside her in the slanting morning light that he wanted to go see it in person for himself, first. He wanted to deem it perfect before he showed it to Inej, and it was. It was everything Kaz had thought about, every detail come to life. The construction team he’d hired last year had executed his plans to the letter, it was worth every kruge. He had Wylan to thank for a good majority of it, Wylan had drawn every inch of the blueprints, and not only that, Wylan had helped to choose almost half of the finishes; from molding to floor boards. Kaz had asked him to oversee the laying of these finishes in his stead while he and Inej had been in Ravka, and the Merchling had not failed him in the slightest. Just as Jesper had exceeded in Kaz’s expectations of looking after the Crow Club.

 

            Kaz had already gotten them both thank-you gifts, the only way he knew how to express his gratitude for monitoring his holdings while he was absent. He never was one for words. For Wylan, it was a million kruge donation to the new music program at Ketterdam University. The Van Eck College of Musical Arts had not yet even opened, but Kaz had been the first donor, anonymously of course, but Wylan would know.

 

For Jesper, it was both the set of cards that Inej had had printed with Marya’s art, and a tab of passage between Kerch and Noyvi Zem. A lifetime tab of passage on any Zemini tourist vessel set to dock in Ketterdam. Kaz knew Jesper did not necessarily need the funds to support his father visiting or vice versa, but Kaz had a favor to cash in with the owner of one of the most prominent fleet owners, and he’d done it without a second thought. Anytime Colm Fahey wished to visit his son, there would be no cost for a luxury cabin aboard the ship of his choice amongst the primary tourist fleet. Anytime Jesper wished to return to Noyvi Zem, him and Wylan would travel all expenses paid, as well. Kaz had left the documents of passport on Jesper’s desk when he’d broken into the Van Eck mansion earlier this afternoon, slipping easily past a dozing Nina on the sofa. Trassel had been his only witness, whom he’d bonded with when he produced a steak bone from the butcher’s from his pocket. He almost smiled when he thought of Nina finding the wolf with the bone, wondering where it could have come from.

 

Kaz had also gotten one more thank-you gift in the form of a painting from Marya Van Eck. It was oil on canvas, muted tones of maroon and gold. A butterfly mid-flight. It now hung in Anika’s new apartment, awaiting her arrival. Anika had a butterfly tattooed on her opposite forearm from the Crow and Cup. Kaz had never mentioned it, but he’d noticed it once. He suspected it meant something to his lieutenant, so Kaz had gotten her a butterfly. A thank-you for stepping up. A thank-you he’d already ordered long before Anika had defended Inej in the face of Aster so vehemently the night before. Now, Kaz was only more glad he’d done it. Like Rotty, Anika was loyal. Strong. The best lieutenant he could have hoped for besides Inej herself when she’d been the Wraith. She’d know he did it, and for once, Kaz didn’t care. She’d earned it.

 

Now, Kaz had just left Dime Lion’s territory after a meeting with Dirix and the team stationed around the Dregs’ newly acquired turf. As far as conquests went, it had gone smoothly. There had been two Dime Lions that had not been harmed, under Kaz’s rule. The two lions that had survived had not been lions at all, but cubs. Two kids, no older than twelve and eight. One boy, one girl. Kaz Brekker had one rule for the Dregs in regards to turf wars, to break it meant death on the spot. The Dregs did not kill children. Use them as leverage for your worst enemy, maybe, but never murder. Kaz had seen the two orphans in passing when he’d entered the false lavish house that had once housed the members of the Dime Lions. Those kids would be given a choice, since they had nowhere else to go. Orphans. They would either join the Dregs, or, they’d be given other work. Work that was now possible. They would not survive these streets without protection of a gang, Kaz had learned that himself. Either way, whether as official members, or unofficial members, those children had gained a chance of survival in the toughest portion of the barrel.

 

Kaz strolled toward the docks, the afternoon sun had peeked out. It was later than he’d promised Inej, five bells. Though, Kaz knew Inej would most likely still be at her ship. She tended to get lost in her work as much as he did; he smiled inwardly at the thought of Inej tying off rigs, cleaning the canons. Or, maybe, she’d be hunched over her little desk in her Captain’s quarters, checking her supply lists. Kaz knew it was coming, her next voyage. He didn’t like it, but this time, Kaz had accepted this reality. Inej would leave, chase freedom for herself and teach others to reach for it, as well. She would come back, come home.

 

Kaz would never tire of her smile when she spoke of her time at Sea. Every time she spoke of her ship on the waves, he swore her eyes gained the depth of the very water she sailed on, as if the tide pulled her spirit. Mera nadra had never fit better. Inej came and went, but every time she returned to the shore, her water kissed the land. Kissed him.

 

Kaz made his way to berth twenty-two, and sure enough, up on the mast, there was Inej’s slender figure, securing a repaired sail. Kaz walked up the gang plank to find Specht puffing on his pipe, as he watched Inej.

 

“I’m too old to climb up there, at least that’s my excuse.” Specht grinned in greeting. Kaz scoffed as he stood beside the man.

 

“Is that good, Specht?” Inej shouted down.

 

“She asks me every time, as if she isn’t a natural,” Specht whispered to Kaz conspiratorially. Kaz knew why Inej asked, Specht had been her mentor. He’d taught her all she knew about sailing. Kaz also knew that while Specht looked at Inej as an adoptive daughter, Inej harbored the same attachment to the man as a pseudo father figure while on the sea, not to mention Kahir Ghafa and Specht had actually become friends during Inej’s first voyage to return her parents’ home to Ravka. 

 

“It’s good! We have an intruder!” Specht shouted in return.

 

Inej peered down, shielding her eyes from the sun. Kaz lifted his cane in a false wave.

 

“Coming!” Inej answered, already scaling down the beam of the mast.

 

Once she landed, she wiped sweat from her brow, but she beamed. She was happy to be here, Kaz could tell. He’d known Inej had missed her ship in their time away. It was as Kaz had missed the barrel, as strange as it was.

 

“You’re late, Dirtyhands.” Inej began as she re-braided her hair into a proper plait, catching all the escaped pieces and putting them back in line.

 

“Did you even notice until now, Captain?” Kaz retorted. Specht rolled his eyes as he walked away, Inej released a chuckle.

 

“Will you believe I love you any less if I say ‘absolutely not’?”

 

“No.” Kaz grinned crookedly.

 

“Boxes?” Inej huffed impatiently though her eyes were amused. Kaz rolled his eyes though the muscles in his cheeks pulled once more. “Boxes” had been her most used word today, apparently. He knew the suspense was killing her, slowly. Kaz relished in it, it was not often he was able to keep secrets from Inej, and never for this long. She had not discovered this secret, despite that she could have easily crossed over their new rooftop, more than once. He’d had the building for nearly two years.

 

“Boxes.” Kaz confirmed, he offered her his arm once she’d collected her jacket and knives from a crate near the gang plank.

 

His nerves began to jitter, but he would not show it to Inej. If he thought this was terrifying, how would he manage to get onto one knee?

           

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

INEJ

 

            She had no idea where they were going. Kaz was leading her down a street right off the docks, a street she was familiar with, of course, but she’d never spent any time on these rooftops for longer than a crossing. On their way, Inej told Kaz she’d spied no Liddies or Blacktips on the docks in Dregs territory, she suspected they already knew of the Dregs’ major territory increase, but either the rival gangs were planning and waiting to make a perfect strike, or they were too terrified of Dirtyhands to begin with. Both worked in their favor, it gave them time to build defenses in the new Dime Lions territory, set up security and station, patrols and pigeon plucking locations.

 

            Inej couldn’t take it any longer, they’d walked six blocks and Kaz had been even more sparse with his words than normal. It was nearing six bells in the evening, the sun began its descent in the sky but sunset official was still a bit off.

 

            “Wait, didn’t you have plans with Jes and Khalid and Rahul? I was supposed to meet Nina and Wylan tonight,” Inej realized.

 

            “Change of plans. I spoke with them, tomorrow instead. That works?” Kaz asked. Ordinarily, Inej would be annoyed that he’d spoken for her, but something in the way he was holding himself told Inej that this was important. Besides, she had no further plans the following day, it would still work out.

 

            Saints, let me read his mind, just this once.

 

            She’d only ever seen Kaz this contemplative one other time. The day he’d given her the Wraith. The day he’d brought her parents back to her. Renovating the Slat could not possibly be what was going on. She was a spider for Saints sake, why hadn’t she figured it out? His eyes gave nothing away.

 

            Kaz paused them on the cobblestones, this part of the street was fairly empty of pedestrians, a coffee house across the street showed a few people, but that was it. Inej could not be more confused.

 

            “Do you trust me?” Kaz asked, his eyes shined in the sun. Inej saw it then, nerves in his shoulders.

 

            “Of course. But why do you need it now, mera chaar?” Inej asked quietly, searching his expression for any hint, any clue he might have left her.

 

            Kaz was slipping off his tie, the black fabric glinted in his gloved hands.

 

            “Can I cover your eyes until we round the corner, I’ll guide you?” Kaz asked.

 

            Inej felt a sudden jolt of anxiety dance over her spine, but she nodded all the same. Kaz was perhaps the only person in the world she would trust enough to guide her blindly. Her autonomy was everything to her, her freedom.

 

            Kaz quickly secured the tie over her eyes, his hand found hers and they began to move forward, steps easily in tandem. Inej squeezed his fingers, her breath tight in her chest. She did not like this. Not one bit.

 

            It was over before Inej could panic, Kaz stopped them after only one hundred and three paces around a corner. Inej had counted them in time with her breaths.

 

            Kaz took the fabric off her eyes and Inej blinked rapidly in the light before her eyes readjusted. They were in front of an enormous brick building, taller than the Slat by at least two stories. It looked to be at least half the size of the Geldrenner. Directly in front of her was a stone walkway, leading to large double doors painted obsidian, crisp golden handles in the center. There were gas lamps hanging on either side of the doors, casting the brick in a warm glow even in the opposing sunlight. Vines crept up the brick, green and flowering in the early spring. Above the doors, there was a sign, black in color, but with gold writing.

 

            “The High-Wire,” Inej gasped, stepping forward uncertainly. On the dash, between the two words, was her emblem. The acrobat and the Crow. The dash served as the wire. She felt like the world was going to shift again.

 

The day Kaz had given her the ship had been the last time the world had felt impossible, yet, here she stood in the midst of miracles. She didn’t even know yet what this miracle was, but she felt it. It was as if the very air around her shimmered with imposing wonder and the sparks of scattered stars.

 

“Kaz, what...” Inej trailed off, her breath becoming uneven, her lips aligning into a smile as she turned to face him.

 

There was a small smile on his lips as he watched her, he produced a key from his pocket.

 

“Would you like to go inside and find out, darling?” Kaz asked, holding out his hand, now absent of a glove. In public. Granted, there was no one around and only one glove had been removed, but Inej still paused at the sight. She reached out and took his hand before he led them up the walkway.

 

Kaz unlocked the door, and the moment Inej stepped inside, her stomach flipped. They were standing in a foyer of sorts, huge and open. Below her feet was crisp dark wood, freshly stained. Before her, there was a sitting area with sofas and arm chairs, made of crushed velvet, just like the Crow Club, but of a deep orange reminiscent of autumn. Reminiscent of the colors of the Suli people. There were silk cushions on the seats. It was… it was a tribute. A beautiful cry to the suli people and her own culture. Inej didn’t know where Kaz had found the cushions, but she knew they were real silk. There were light sconces on the walls, already lit with a soft luminescence to make up for the lack of windows on this ground floor. There were double doors to her left and right on either side of the open space, directly across the room from where she stood, she saw the bronze cage of an elevator lift, next to a staircase that seemed impossibly large for the building from the exterior, but as Inej was realizing, this building was even larger than she’d first thought.

 

Her heart was stuttering in her chest, the air smelled of geraniums. She saw it, a vase of them sitting on the low table between the sofas. Tears were in her eyes, and she suspected she didn’t even know the extent of this miracle. A sitting room, but what purpose did this place serve? Inej didn’t know, but tears were forming and words were failing as she whipped her head around, taking in detail after detail. There were paintings on the walls, framed in gold. One of which Inej’s eyes hung on for a small eternity. It was a painting of the Crow Club at sunset. Inej recognized Marya’s work anywhere, almost every painting here had been crafted by the eldest Van Eck’s capable hands.

 

“Kaz,” Inej said weakly, shock spewing from her very pores.

 

“Let me show you the next part,” Kaz said softly, guiding her to the set of doors on her left.

 

Inej had been ill prepared. She’d been so unprepared. Inej almost fell to the ground when Kaz opened those doors. It was a restaurant. A suli restaurant. The tables were low to the ground, cushions of onyx and gold and violet. There were more doors that Inej assumed led to a kitchen.

 

“Kaz. Kaz. What? I don’t…” Inej’s words were all scattered on the floor like the cushions.

 

“We’ll take reservations out front, I’ve hired an entire culinary team from down in little Ravka, since the suli had no restaurants of their own here. It’ll be open to the public any day now, but I needed you to see it first. Your mother convinced me the first time I ate one of her meals, and now, when your family visits, if they want their cuisine but don’t feel like cooking, we can still have it. And you can always have a piece of home,” Kaz sputtered as he came to stand beside her. “I thought maybe a second club when I bought the building, but this felt right. It felt better. I knew you’d want something honest under your emblem. I thought of those people you rescue, the ones you said don’t have a home to return to… if they need work, they can find it here. Waiters and waitresses, hosts and hostesses, laundry, even. They can earn a wage, begin a new life.” Kaz whispered.

 

Inej fell to the ground on her knees, the tears couldn’t be stopped. Her heart was in the sky, her lungs airborne and floating in the candlelight of the sconces.

 

“Inej?” Kaz questioned, moving like lightning to try and check on her.

 

“You… you did this, for me?” Inej whispered more broken than she’d ever been. Broken into a thousand and one gloriously happy pieces. She looked up at him with tear streaked cheeks, salty tears leaking into her smile. She knew it was not a pretty sight, but she didn’t give a damn.

 

Kaz nodded once, a slight blush on his cheeks.

 

“There’s sixteen suites on the floor above this one, two beds in each and private washrooms. We can house at least thirty-six people in those rooms at a time, until they have enough money to rent their own apartments or boarding rooms. Buy homes, or move on to somewhere else with new money and skills in their pockets. I made sure that we can house women in one wing and men in the other unless they wish to be together, given what sort of horror may have brought them to our doors.” Kaz said. Inej thought this must have been a dream.

 

Kaz Brekker had given her a ship. Now, he’d brought her culture to Kerch shores in a way it had never been done before. She couldn’t stop crying.

 

Saints, how did I earn this? Every person who had ever claimed Kaz Brekker had no kindness in his heart had been wrong. He was the single most kind person Inej had ever met. Not on the surface, no, but far below, he was Kaz Rietveld. Through and through, he was generous. He could also be a murderer, ruthless and cruel. But, he was a giver, benevolence and compassion for those who needed his help. She would not change a single thing. Never.

 

The world was teetering and spinning and shining. Life and geraniums and and and

 

“I- Kaz. How did you…” She couldn’t seem to form sentences any longer.

 

“Come upstairs with me, please?” Kaz held out a hand once more, smiling and encouraging. She could see his happiness, just like his rage, it was palpable in the air. Kaz happy, like this, was so much more than she’d ever imagined.

 

Kaz led her to the lift she’d seen upon entering the building, he opened the cage and they stepped inside. Inej wiped her teary eyes with the back of her free hand, Kaz had not dropped his hold on her fingers. Inej had been correct, there were six floors as evidence by the lever’s dial, there was a key hole beside it.

 

“This lift will go to any floor, but to get to the sixth, you need a key. The main stairwell does not go to the sixth, but there is a hidden escape stairwell in case of fire or the lift being down.” Kaz mumbled as he produced the key from his pocket and slipped it in, pulling the lever after turning it. The cage whirred and they were airborne over the foyer, Inej had not even noticed the chandelier in the center of the ceiling. Crystal. Beautiful.

 

“Why not the sixth floor? Why can’t the main stairs access that floor?” Inej finally asked and Kaz only looked at her, his eyes willing her to be patient.

 

After only a minute, they landed at the sixth floor, the top floor. Kaz opened the cage and stepped out with her into a dim hallway, lit by the same sconces as the ones far below them. The walls were painted a soft violet, the crystal of the sconce coverings cast patterns of light onto the paint.

 

“A lift, Kaz? How rich are you, mera chaar?” Inej laughed. It was all absolutely breath taking. Every moment of this day.

 

“I don’t want to take stairs every day so I splurged.” He waved her off as he led her down the short hall way. She didn’t understand. How many questions did she have? Oh, yes, right. About a million.

 

“The two floors below us are apartments for the Dregs, my own secondary office is on the third floor, as well.” Kaz said as he paused in front of a door, the only door in the hallway, Inej realized. What had he just said?

 

“The first floor will only be accessible to the public from the restaurant entrance, which you didn’t see, but is on the other side of the way we came in. Otherwise, the doors to the main foyer will be locked to the public. Those who can reside in the suites I told you about will have keys to their own private stairwell to the second floor, the main staircase does not access their floor, either. I wanted to keep it private. Instead, that stair case you saw will lead to the third floor, where my office will be. Then the fourth and fifth belong to the Dregs. Sixth, where we stand…” Kaz swallowed, his eyes finally meeting her own. Inej’s mouth was agape.

 

“The sixth, well, that will be ours, I hope.” Kaz finished.

 

“Are you asking me, officially, to live with you, Kaz?” Inej whispered. She wanted to kiss him, she wanted to cry again.

 

“That’s what the boxes were for. This will be the new Dregs headquarters, the Slat will still be ours, but for new recruits. Rotty will be heading that particular station. Our attic is still ours, if we ever want it or need it…” He didn’t get to finish his sentence.

 

“Yes. Yes. Please, yes.” Inej shook with so much happiness she thought she might fly away if she dared let go of the tether of his dark eyes.

 

How had this happened? Once, she’d asked Kaz to take off his armor. Now, she couldn’t remember his eyes with it. Kaz never did a single thing halfway. Never. How far had they come? It all started with a letter from the sea and a bottle of a rum and a handful of courage. Now, she stood here in a hallway with Kaz Brekker, her avri, her moon, her heart. A hallway to the future.

 

Kaz didn’t pause, his lips were on hers and it was a kiss unblemished by a single mark of the past. It was a kiss that had her pushing him against the doors behind him, a kiss that had her fingers tangled in his hair. His arms were around her, their bodies flush.

 

“My love, there’s a bedroom behind this door,” Kaz broke away with a graveled chuckle when Inej kept seeking his lips.

 

“Best show it to me then,” Inej joked. They were grinning, lips red and parted, and Inej could not possibly imagine a single thing that could surprise her more than this.

 

The world was made of miracles.

 

Kaz opened the door, and Inej stepped into the future. Their future.

 

The first thing Inej saw, were the windows, windows that were wide and bright, looking toward the harbor, despite being a few streets away. The sun shown in from the sunset, haloing everything in something that could only be holy light. It was the lens of the sun summoner.

 

Inej saw the harbor, here. She would see it, no matter what, every day that she spent in Ketterdam. They were closer than the Slat was to the water, and from here, the smog would never cover it. Inej could see the Wraith, far down the docks, but her black sails were a dot in the distance. She could see her ship.

 

Inej would never have to wonder if the Saints had deemed the day a good one, here.

 

Tears began, once more. Inej did not even take in the rest of the room, yet. She turned to Kaz instead.

 

“Kaz Brekker,” She began with a quavering voice. He stepped toward her, his eyes only on her. “I can’t explain it anymore. But I have to try, I have to. I have seen you through every lens of life, and I have loved you in every shade. Gray or sunny, I have loved you. You deserved more than what this world offered you. You deserved so much more, yet you give and you never want acknowledgement for it. I need to acknowledge it. Ari se mena, mera talya. Ka arin; se erta.” Inej whispered.

 

“What does that mean?” Kaz asked, she saw glass in his eyes. Glass from her words. She knew he’d hold it together when she couldn’t possibly keep her tears from erupting. She loved him even more for it.

 

“It means: In the breath of my life, you are my oxygen. I breathe for me; I will exhale for you.” Inej replied. Kaz didn’t know it was a wedding vow in her culture. Inej didn’t know if she’d ever get to say the words to him in earnest, so she took her moment. She said them now.

 

Kaz exhaled. He leaned his cane against the door, then, she was in his arms. She was home.

 

They had gone home, and it had nothing to do with the room around them.

 

 

Chapter 97: Hand Me The Sky

Summary:

Kaz weaves miracles.

Notes:

Chapter 97!!

Okay, I know I'm late. But ooooof. This one was originally combined with the previous chapter, so it's technically a part two, so keep that in mind. They just needed to be separate because between the two chapters, its like 13k words. I needed to separate them to edit and it just... it felt right? Idk. Anyways, I really hope you love it and can forgive my lateness. My poor little laptop is struggling, ya'll. I had to let it cool down like four times while editing so... yeah haha. Anyways, enjoy. I CANNOT EXPLAIN how ready I am to get going on our next few that are coming in relatively quick succession so long as the computer cooperates. <3 GET READY.

Thank you. Like, I say it every time. But thank you for supporting my writing, it's the greatest gift I've ever received- your support and enthusiasm. Thank you.

Drop me a comment with what you think!!! Seriously, just like the last one, your girl here stressed over this one because it's truly fluff, but I promise we have some plot and steeeeeam coming up. <3

"All That You Are" by The Goo Goo Dolls

KAZ

 

            He was watching her, as she watched the Harbor. He didn’t know how long they’d stood in the center of the room, clasped together. Kaz hadn’t expected Inej’s words, nor had he known quite the reaction he would earn from her in showing her “The High-Wire”; the new official headquarters of the Dregs. Their new place of residence. She hadn’t even looked around the apartment yet, she’d gone straight for the window when he’d let her go, he should have known.

 

            “It’s right there. The water is right there,” Inej sniffled, her finger tapped to the glass of the window. One of many windows. Kaz smiled for her when she looked over her shoulder and pointed, as if he hadn’t seen the view. It was pure and innocent and something Kaz wished he could bottle, just like her laugh. He wished he could bottle this happiness that fell in showers over this gloriously dry and fresh building.

 

            “There’s a ledge, and I can still scale the bricks when I come home.” Inej bounced in her boots. Kaz nodded once more, of course he’d thought of that when redoing the exterior of the building. He’d had the previous wood of the building replaced in brick, tore everything down to the timber to do it. Kaz supposed, this was hardly the original building at all. Mostly, it just shared the same plot of land.

 

            Something new. Brick by Brick.

 

            “We’re only four blocks away from the Slat going east, but it does seem much closer, doesn’t it?” Kaz mumbled as he stepped forward, standing just behind Inej to take in the view. She leaned back into him and he wrapped his arms over her shoulders, resting his chin on her head.

 

            “Truly? Only four blocks? Saints- my sense of direction was off,” Inej said quietly with a scoff of laughter. Kaz smiled as he looked out over the city. There would be more light here than at the Slat, even at night. Sometimes, they might even see stars through the smog being two stories closer to the sky. Kaz was counting on it, today. There were more cards yet tucked up his sleeves; more to this apartment than the wide windows lining this entire wall, no matter which room you went in. Truly, it wasn’t necessarily a large apartment, but at least twice that of the attic. Three times the windows, all with sills for sitting for a wraith.

 

            “Do you want to see the rest?” Kaz mumbled and he heard another sniffle from Inej. Her tears had not yet ceased, and Kaz didn’t know how this thing he’d done… he didn’t know how he could continue to make her smile like this.

 

            Kaz would try every single day for the rest of his life. It was the vow he’d made when she’d returned to him from the Sea after her first voyage. As many smiles as possible. Laughs, if he was lucky.

 

            “I don’t know, am I going to cry more?” Inej giggled as she leaned further back into his embrace.

 

            “Knowing you? Probably.” Kaz jested and Inej huffed a breath, a smile belaying her noise that he could see in their reflection on the window pane.

 

“Shevrati.” Inej mumbled as her eyes caught his in their reflection. The sun was setting, casting streams of golden light on their skin, the kind of light that only emerged in that scant of time between blue and black skies.

 

Kaz tightened his arms around her once before he let go, he had held in his excitement long enough. Excitement, something so fresh in his arsenal of emotions. He felt it in his very fingertips, a jittery lull that pulled him to direct Inej’s eyes to other things.

 

Inej finally turned from the window, her eyes casting around the room for the first time.

 

“We have painted walls!” Inej moved to the wall by the door, it was true. Kaz had selected a navy hinted gray, something that he felt both of them could appreciate. It was also a color that brightened when the sun came in from the windows, which Kaz knew Inej would welcome on the rare cloudless days in Ketterdam.

 

“If I’d known that was all it took to impress you, mera nadra, I would have sent a kid with a paintbrush into the attic and called it a day.” Kaz smirked as Inej traced her hands over the wall. Next, her eyes found the fireplace on the wall to the left. A standard brick hearth, but Kaz had had a shelf installed above it, made from the timber of the original building. It seemed wasteful to let unrotten wood go to waste.

 

“Your cards can go up here, we can display them,” Inej said softly as she walked across the room. Her hands couldn’t stop touching. Kaz remembered how she’d looked at the Caravan in Ravka, it was the same now. It was as if Inej needed to touch these things to verify it was real and not the smoke of an illusion.

 

Kaz’s heart knocked around in his chest; her first thought had been of his card collection. He’d not even thought of where he’d jam his few worldly possessions, but Inej had thought of him, first.

 

There was not yet any furniture in this living room where they stood, Kaz had wanted to select things, but stopped himself when Wylan had hinted that maybe he shouldn’t. Wylan had indeed figured out just what this apartment was for, and had simply said “let her help. Pick it out together. I let Jes help with all of it when we reorganized the house, and he was more excited than I ever thought a person could be about a silly rug.” Kaz had listened to the merchling, and now, he was glad of it.

 

“We can put a sofa here, you can actually rest your leg in front of a fire, not to mention how much I’ll enjoy having a place to stretch,” Inej whispered, a piece of her braid had come undone and she tucked the strand behind her ear as she twirled in the open space. Inej was smiling from ear to ear as she noticed the wall behind Kaz that was lined in cabinets, a small gas range for cooking, and a wooden counter with a small sink basin. It was a kitchen, all their own. Small, not luxurious, but enough for the two of them. Only the two of them.

 

“You are not allowed to tell me where anything is besides the tea. It’s all I can manage,” Inej grinned once more and Kaz nodded in faux-seriousness as she moved around him in her careful exploration.

 

“I promise I won’t let you burn down our home, Inej.” Kaz vowed and he caught the twinkle of amusement in her eyes as she opened cabinets and traced the brass handles.

 

“We can actually buy groceries, maybe.” Inej laughed. Kaz had thought of how convenient it would be to have fruit, almonds, or even water within reach without having to traverse on his leg. Something so normal, yet so foreign.

 

“Will we put the bed on that wall? I assume those doors lead to the bathroom? And the others the closet?” Inej asked.

 

Oh, Inej didn’t realize. It was not just this room and a bathroom. Kaz felt another flip in his stomach. He was still nervous. This project had taken years, it had taken themyears to get here… and now, it was all happening. Kaz took a breath, she tilted her head in his silence.

 

“I thought we could put the bed in the bedroom, but first, I want to show you something else.” Kaz held out his hand, still bare of leather. Inej reached forward with a quizzical turn of her lips as he led her through the double doors beside the fireplace. It was a small room, lined with built in bookcases, yet with another large window looking over the same view of fifth harbor beyond the city. Kaz had selected a few very select pieces of furniture, and the desk in the center of this room, facing the window, was one of them.

 

It was not large, a simple dark wood table with a drawer along the front, but it was made of wood that had been taken from the Wraith on Inej’s last round of repairs to the planking on the hull. Kaz had stolen the planks, one of his most ridiculous thieveries to date. He didn’t think Inej would mind when she’d planned to toss it anyways. The wood itself had been warped and unfit for sailing, but Kaz had washed it himself in the Van Eck garden whilst Inej had been with her parents, during their previous visit. Then, he’d stained it to its original glory, a crisp and dark color that spoke to the Vessel from which it came. Jesper had flattened the wood back into something useable for a desktop, and Kaz had sanded each of the edges and corners. Something he was grateful for, were the skills he had learned young on the farm. Kaz was no carpenter, but he and Jordie had helped Da to fix pieces of the porch on their little farmhouse countless times. Kaz’s fingers had not forgotten the motions. Kaz had kept the table hidden in the boat house at the Van Eck mansion ever since this morning, when he’d had Rotty and Pim retrieve it and bring it to the new building.

 

“Kaz, this is beautiful,” Inej gaped at the room, then the desk. “I thought you said your office was on the third floor, though? Why do you still want one up here?” Inej stepped forward before turning over her shoulder to look at him.

 

She didn’t understand. Kaz almost laughed, almost.

 

“My office is on the third floor. This is for you, if you want it. I thought you might like a place for all of your maps and manifests, a place you can store documents you don’t need while you’re on your voyages. An office of your own on land, rather than sharing my desk, as much as I certainly don’t mind sharing a chair.” Kaz smirked and Inej let out a disbelieving laugh as she walked to the table.

 

“I don’t need a chair when I have you,” Inej winked and Kaz found himself leaning back against the door frame, keeping himself from marching forward and showing her exactly what he thought of that plan; despite the bolt of warmth that struck his spine. He wouldn’t, now. Now, was for Inej. For them to start this new part of a life he still couldn’t quite believe was his own.

 

Pekka was dead.

 

Jordie at rest.

 

Inej beside him.

 

He was king of the Barrel and all of its lowly subjects.

 

Kaz didn’t want to burn it down.

 

            “Wait, this wood has dings in it? Where did you get it?” Inej asked as she ran her fingers across grooves and nicks in the wood. Kaz knew she wouldn’t recognize it right away, it pulled his lips into a grin.

 

            “It’s from your ship. I stole it.” Kaz chuckled. Inej’s eyes widened whilst she took in the desk once more.

 

            “You did not!” Inej yelped as she looked over at him, brows raised.

 

            “I did, I stole the planks while you and Specht made repairs, back when your parents were in town.” Kaz stepped forward.

 

            “Did Jes manipulate it? The edges are smooth now,” She questioned softly, slipping the singular long drawer open and examining the inside.

 

            “Jes flattened the wood, but I…” Kaz swallowed and he didn’t know why he diverted his eyes, it felt like a different sort of admission, to voice that he’d made her something, with his own hands.

 

            “You what, Kaz?” Inej waltzed toward him, he felt her gaze on his face, he swallowed once more.

 

            “I sanded it, put it together. Stained the wood.” Kaz mumbled, his hands in his pockets.

 

He felt like a boy, young and nervous. It was ridiculous, he’d literally been naked in front of this woman, he was going to ask her to marry him, and yet, giving her a fucking desk that he’d made… turned his cheeks red. He’d quite literally designed this building with their future in mind- however giving Inej a gift made from his own bare hands, not just his mind, felt entirely more important. More intimate.

 

“You made this for me?” Inej stood directly in front of him now, an invisible tether pulled his eyes to her. Her smile was wide, white teeth and a slight crease at the corner of her eyes. She looked so happy, it was worth it. His next words were worth it.

 

“I learned how to use my hands on the farm for many things, even wood working, with my Da and Jordie. I wanted to use it for something, for you.” Kaz answered honestly, slamming down every instinct he had left within him that told him to keep the truth to himself.

 

“Damnit, Kaz.” Inej mumbled more to herself than him, she was shaking her head, though her smile did not falter in the slightest. Kaz caught the scent of salt from her hair as she moved, she’d spent the entire day on her ship. The smell reminded him only of her, it distracted him.

 

“What?” Kaz said dumbly as she stepped away, adjusting the sleeves of her black shirt, he noticed that she twisted her fingers in the fabric. Something she did when she was anxious. He didn’t understand.

 

“When is our anniversary?” Inej asked, suddenly.

 

Kaz quirked his head. He… he didn’t know. Did they have one? Why was that important now?

 

“I have to know. That way I can surprise you, somehow. I don’t know what I could…” Inej paused and her words trailed off, her lip was quivering and glass welled once more in her irises. “I never used to cry for anything but sorrow and now look at me.” She mumbled and wiped the backs of her hands over her eyes. Kaz opened his mouth to speak but she held up a hand, the room was growing dim, the light fading outside. “I want to know when our anniversary is because I want to do something for you, Kaz. I don’t… why don’t you show this to the world? You just… how did I earn this?” Her words were broken and falling out of her mouth before Kaz could catch them.

 

“Inej, I did this for us. For both of us. While yes, the desk is for you, I plan to reap the benefits of this place just as much as you, mera nadra.” Kaz tried as he limped to stand in front of her, he gripped both of her hands in his. Inej took a shaky breath but nodded all the same.

 

“Do you want us to have an anniversary?” Kaz lifted a finger to her chin, gently tilting her head up. Inej paused, her lip pulled between her teeth as she considered.

 

“It might be nice, if we had a date to commemorate… us.” Inej answered after a long moment passed. Kaz could tell this was one admission that cost her, a turn of the tables.

 

“Then we will have one, but you’ll have to wait for it.” Kaz smirked. He saw her confusion, but he was already moving away and back out the office door.

 

She had no idea. She had no idea he intended them to have that date, in a much more official sense, if she’d have him.

 

“What does that mean?” Inej laughed as she followed him.

 

“It means I need to compile possible dates for us to consider, then we can have a meeting to discuss the best possible marker.” Kaz chuckled, he turned to see her rolling her eyes and blowing a piece of hair out of her face.

 

“A business man, through and through.” She muttered.

 

“A criminal.” Kaz corrected.

 

“Isn’t that what I just said?” Inej grinned slyly and Kaz almost dropped his cane.Damn her, how did she remember that?

 

“We need lamps, it’s getting dark now,” Inej said but Kaz was already reaching for the switch on the first wall sconce. She hadn’t noticed those yet, it seemed. They lined each wall in even intervals.

 

“Oh,” Inej whispered as she copied Kaz’s motions on another sconce, the room blooming in golden light against the descending darkness. “I was beginning to wonder how much we’d need to budget for matchbooks and candles per month.”

 

“Wait here.” Kaz said as he shrugged out of his blazer and tossed it over the kitchen counter. He had a plan, now that it was dark enough. Another benefit of making Inej wait until this evening.

 

“Why?” Inej raised a brow but Kaz was already slipping through the set of doors next to the kitchen.

 

It had to be just right, this part. Kaz had decided on this detail of their apartment before any other, the greatest trick up his sleeve.

 

Inej deserved it, she always had. Inej had come into his life and taught him how to look up, when his eyes had always been on the ground. Inej had reminded him of the sky hidden behind the veil of smog. Out there, stars still shined and the moon still hung. Not everything in this world had been shattered when Jordie’s eyes had gone white and unseeing. There was still magic in the pockets of space between the stars, in the spread of a suli woman’s fingers clasped in his own, in the very bricks that had been laid to build this new life of Kaz Brekker.

 

Inej Ghafa deserved the sky, Kaz would give it to her.

 

 

INEJ

 

            “Kaz?” Inej called after a few minutes of leaning against the counter. Her mind was warped and twisted like the taffy they sold on the boardwalk in Os Kervo. This place, every piece of it, Kaz had dreamed of it.

 

            Kaz Brekker was the Ring Master of the universe and its majesty, Inej was sure of it. No one made the impossible more clearly probable. He could tip his hat and Inej could almost imagine the world bowing and bending to transform into magic and mystery to compete with every show she’d ever performed with the troupe on the wire.

 

            “Patience,” Kaz called from behind the shut doors. She heard a curse under his breath, as if he’d hurt himself. Inej resisted the urge to reach for the copper handles to the double doors, this had to be the bedroom, Inej surmised. What was he hiding from her?

 

            Just then, Kaz slipped out the door, pulling it shut almost all the way behind him, giving her no glimpse of the room beyond.

 

            “Ready.” Kaz’s lips lifted in a soft smile, a smile Inej knew only she had ever glimpsed.

 

Rietveld.

 

            Kaz reached out his hand and Inej once again clasped his fingers, their digits intertwining as he pulled her forward. Kaz opened both doors and Inej stepped forward into a room turned golden by candles alone. Candles, everywhere. Candles on a second fireplace mantle, and in glass jars in the fireplace proper. Candles on the ground by window curtains that now blocked out the view, candles surrounding the bed on the wall opposite the doors, a bed twice the size of the one they’d shared at the Slat. A bed fit for two, yet not overly large. Inej’s eyes turned to Kaz as he dropped her hand to shut the doors behind them.

 

            “Kaz, are you seducing me right now?” Inej smiled as she gasped at this space, this space that was… theirs. Honestly, and earnestly, theirs. The attic was theirs too, in many ways, but this… this would begin as a space shared by the both of them, when once, the attic had been solely Kaz’s.

 

            “No, lay on the bed.” Kaz came up behind her and laid a kiss to her head on her hair before he was already moving away.

 

            “I don’t know if I should be offended or afraid that you are apparently not seducing me, yet telling me to lay on a bed in a room lit by candles.” Inej chuckled but was already complying, kicking off her boots near the door, carefully avoiding the flames of tea lights.

 

            “I’m always seducing you, Inej. That’s just not the current priority.” Inej heard Kaz in the darkness, yet when she turned, he’d disappeared.

 

            Inej snorted but stepped toward the bed, it was not yet made, but the moment Inej laid back, she sighed. It was comfortable, nearly as luxurious as the beds in the Van Eck mansion, yet more firm. Her posture was immediately grateful. Inej turned her eyes when she felt movement in the mattress, Kaz was lying beside her now, on his back. The shadows of flickering light danced over his jaw, the crispness of his nose, the hollows of his cheekbones. He was grinning when he turned his eyes to her.

 

            “Look up, Inej.” He whispered.

 

            Inej turned her head to face the ceiling, just as black fabric, a curtain of sorts, began to retract, pulled with a cord that Inej knew must be in Kaz’s hand, on the other side of the bed. She hadn’t noticed the black square on the ceiling, she’d been too busy looking around the room, looking for Kaz.

 

            The sky. The sky. The sky. A window to the sky. A window to the sky above their bed.

 

            “Kaz,” It was broken and whole all at once as she saw the glitter of stars being unveiled by the onyx cloth.

 

            “It’s grisha glass, maybe tougher than the rest of the roof combined, so even if someone got on our roof, they’d have a near impossible time breaking in, we can shut the curtain anytime we wish,” Kaz mumbled beside her.

 

            She hardly heard him. The stars were right there, she’d never have to sleep without them. Even if the gray and clouds covered their glory, Inej could see their home. The realm of the Saints. The Heart of the acrobats.

 

            “Kaz,” Inej couldn’t form other words. Every time he’d surprised her, he did it again. Whether with grand things, like ships or apartments, or with the small gestures. The small things like geraniums or always making sure to have bread in his desk drawer. Kaz had given her a home, in his arms. He’d given her spirit shelter in his heart made of equal parts stone and softness.

 

            “I love you.” Kaz whispered and Inej dragged her eyes away from the galaxies above to look to the universe beside her.

 

            Inej knew that these were the rare moments. Not all of their days would hold these awestricken breaths or incredible surprises or heart-stopping adventures. Inej knew there would be hardship, battles lost, grief and sad days. There would be times where they’d want to knock sense into each other when they fought. There would be days when their love was hard, it did not frighten her.

 

Then, there would be the dull moments; the mundane and the overlooked by most. Those might be Inej’s favorites. The instants of ease; when she could watch Kaz as he meticulously folded his ties onto the rack, or his concentration face as he ran the numbers for the Crow Club. The way he tilted his head precisely as he shaved in the steamed up mirror, steamed from her far-too long shower that he never once complained about. The dull moments with Kaz still shined. She knew that she could lay with him, in bed each night, hands clasped, and feel like she was living life to its fullest. It was the one thing Inej was certain of, if nothing else ever made sense in the expanse of life, Kaz Brekker made sense.

 

            “There aren’t words, they haven’t been invented yet, Kaz. There aren’t words for how much I love you, and that was before you handed me the stars.” Inej replied.

 

           

 

 

 

 

 

 

KAZ

 

            Inej was asleep on his chest, below the stars. He’d wake her soon so they could return to the Slat, it was not late by any means, only eight or nine bells. They’d stared at the stars, Inej told him every constellation she could remember her father teaching her, even if they only saw a couple clusters from where they laid. Then, she’d inched her way into his arms, and promptly fell asleep. Kaz didn’t mind, he’d nearly cracked a thousand times today. The weight in his pocket was driving him insane; but it had to be right.

 

            Kaz took his moment, and with every single bit of criminal calculation inside of him, he slipped the ring on her finger as her hand rested on his stomach. He needed to make sure it fit, see if Jesper needed to tighten it for her. It fit perfectly, just like it had on Nani. His heart hammered at the sight of the band of gold on her skin. She didn’t wake, and Kaz was tempted to leave the metal right where it was.

 

            Right where it belonged.

 

Chapter 98: Threads Of Hearts

Summary:

A mistake. A misunderstanding.

Notes:

Chapter 98!

Hi everyone! Okay, so this was supposed to be up last night. I'm sorry but I messed up and saved it as a draft and it didn't get published, long story short. I'm so sorry for the wait! I also tried to rectify the situation and have it up this afternoon, but my internet router needed to be reset and this is the first chance I had to come back and get it up, forgive me? <3

Anyways, I hope you love this one. It's angsty, I know. But... struggles breed good things too, no? AH.

THANK YOU. Just... simple. Thank you for supporting me. I know I've been so behind on comments, but I should have some more time over the next few days to get back to you guys. I read every single one and I promise they are NEVER forgotten. <3

PLEASE let me know what you think. I'd love to hear your predictions. I'm so excited to hear what you all think of this one and I reallllyyyyy hope you are excited. Just tell me, do you hate me yet? I know i'm evil but it will be worth it. I love you all and I hope you tell me what you think!!!

"Chemicals" by Dean Lewis (vibe mostly, a little lyrics, maybe it just fit as I wrote, idk)

 

INEJ

 

            Inej was lost in a sea, a sea of boxes and papers.

 

The breeze had blown in from the window of the attic; maps and manifests she’d brought to sort from her desk on the Wraith had blown around the attic in a storm of ink and parchment, leaving Inej to wade through the boxes she’d been packing to meticulously pick up each piece. Inej let out a deep breath as she reached under the bed for a stray manifest that had fluttered far from her reach.

 

            It had been two days since Kaz had shown her the High-Wire, and since then, everything had been busy. Everything focused and the Slat near silent save for the changing of shifts. The Black Tips had tried to spring a sabotage in the newly acquired Dregs territory- territory that had previously belonged to the Dime Lions- and since then, Kaz had been scarce. Dirtyhands was needed in the fresh sector and Inej had only seen him as she’d sleepily opened her eyes the past two nights in their bed, just to make sure he’d returned to her with all of his limbs and no holes. Inej had gone into the territory during the official parlay, watching Kaz’s back from the rooftops, but afterwards, Inej had left Kaz to do his job; establishing himself as a King of greater borders, now. She hadn’t minded, Kaz had known how large of an undertaking it would be to claim double the turf for the Dregs than they’d previously held. She was proud of him, and she had every confidence in Dirtyhands, equally as much as she had in every facet of Kaz.

 

Besides, she’d kept herself busy, too. Inej had seen Khalid and Rahul both of the previous two days, taking them first on a tour of a much more pleasant part of Ketterdam, the University District. Wylan had accompanied them, and it had been the first time Inej had seen the college Jes and Wy were building together in person. It was beautiful, crisp, clean, interesting to look at. Something from Wylan’s Ketterdam roots, with a hint of Jesper’s Zemini culture laced into the architecture. Wylan Van Eck had beamed, something stronger than sunlight had lit up her friend’s face in a way Inej had never seen from him. “It’s something I did, something we did, Jes and I. My father had nothing to do with it,” Wylan had mumbled to Inej as they toured the grounds of the building, Inej had held his hand in hers as they walked and when she looked at the Merchling, she saw the future of Ketterdam, a future spear headed by her avri and the flautist beside her. As it turned out, Wylan had known about the High-Wire the entire time, he’d simply shrugged when Inej had gushed to him about the beauty of a place she could not possibly be moving into. “Seems Kaz and I both have a soft spot for making a building just right,” Wylan mumbled with a grin as Inej bumped his shoulder with her own.

 

            Previously, Kaz had intended to have a card night with Jesper and Khalid and Rahul, but it had been postponed, just as Inej’s own outing with Nina and Wylan. After the Black Tips struck, harder than expected, Kaz had slipped on both his metaphorical gloves and his literal ones to see the rough work done. To Inej’s surprise, Nina had been the one to cancel on her, this evening. The evening they had planned after the first postponement. Inej had been ready to set aside her packing of all the things she was planning to move to her new office in the High-Wire, as well as the packing of the attic, in order to go out for dinner. When Inej had gone to the mansion this afternoon though, Khalid had given Inej a note in Nina’s curving and feminine script: I have to reschedule, beautiful. Something came up, not to worry, just a lead for something I’d been working on back in Fjerda. A grisha down in little Ravka who may need my help relocating back to Os Kervo in the future.

 

            Inej would be lying if she said she wasn’t disappointed. It seemed everyone had been elsewhere, this evening. Even Khalid and Rahul had made plans to do some city scoping (in the safer areas of Ketterdam, specifically, the World-famous Library) of their own, just the two of them. Inej couldn’t fault them, they earned this time together, they earned the chance to make the most out of this very much unexpected trip to Kerch. Inej wanted that for Khalid and Rahul, after all they’d been through. She had also made plans with them. Tomorrow, Inej would show her best friend and her cousin the Wraith for the first time.

 

            They’d understand her path fully, then. Inej wanted their approval, wanted their support, just as she had craved it in Ravka.

 

            Inej peeked at her time piece as she folded the edges of the last box destined for her new office, ten bells at night. She’d gotten more done than she’d planned; and now, Kaz just needed to pack his own things. All Inej had left to do was the packing of the small things she’d left out on the bathroom counter, things she’d need until the last possible minute before they moved into their new apartment. Inej had considered packing Kaz’s things for him, but she knew he’d hate it. Kaz would never admit how particular he was when it came to his suits, but Inej had seen it when he’d packed and unpacked for Ravka. Inej also knew only Kaz could decide which things from his desk he’d want to move, what binders of back logged Crow Club numbers he’d move to which office and so on. Her eyes fell to her own emblem hanging above their bed, would Kaz want to bring it with them? Or would this be a piece they left of themselves in the attic for whenever they returned for a stray evening? Inej hoped they would bring it, she liked it hanging above them as they slept. Maybe they’d put it in the same spot on the wall above their new bed.

 

            It was them, in acrylic paint and canvas. Whilst it was Inej’s own symbol, she’d imagined it with her past and future in mind. Her past on the wire, her past with the Dregs, and her future amongst both the land and sea. Marya had executed her design perfectly, and Inej wanted this particular piece of artwork to follow them, always. Wherever they laid their heads at night, this emblem was a testament of their lives, their battle, of them- together now and forever in all ways.

 

            Inej knew it was possible that Kaz wouldn’t return to the Slat until one or two bells in the morning, as it had been both of the previous nights. She toyed with the idea of making her way to the temporary Dregs base in the Dime Lions territory, she could both see Kaz and also find out if he needed her spider abilities for anything useful. Inej’s aching back answered the thought for her, a hard and unyielding ‘no’. Inej had spent the better part of the day on her ship, before seeing Khalid and Rahul in the afternoon. Inej had pulled her muscles repairing part of the hull in preparation for her upcoming voyage, she’d been bull-headed when Specht had told her not to be so rough with her own body, and now, that same body chanted in agreement.

 

            “Very well, Wylan and Jesper’s, then,” Inej mumbled to herself as she kicked boxes into a line against the wall to make a path to the door of the attic for when Kaz returned. Inej would see if Jesper and Wylan were home, she hadn’t seen them this afternoon, either. Even when she’d seen Khalid and he’d passed off Nina’s note. Inej assumed they were working, either on the Van Eck empire or on Jesper’s stocks that he was planning on seeing to trade in the coming week. Perhaps they’d be up to keep her company. Inej knew she could very well keep herself company in the solitude of a good book and a mug of tea from the kitchen downstairs, but Inej found herself wanting to drink up every moment she could slip into her pocket of time on land before her looming busy season on the Sea. In less than a month, Inej would set sail once more.

 

            It could very well be the voyage to pose her and the crew of the Wraith the most threat. Now, after her very public hanging, Kane De Vries and his fleet of Slaving vessels would be on high alert, ready to sink Inej and every bit of freedom tucked into the decks of her little war ship. Inej couldn’t let herself think about it, now. Not when so much good was on the horizon. Not when all of her favorite people were in this very city, for the first time. Nina. Khalid. Rahul. Of course, Kaz, Jes, and Wylan. They were all here, and Inej would demand an audience with at least one of them, tonight. Even if she only got to sit in an arm chair and drink tea while Jesper read missives to Wylan.

 

            Inej had her decision. With a swoop of her hair into a coil and the shrug of her hood, she slipped out the window as a shadow on the shingles.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            The lights were all on in the Van Eck mansion, Inej could see the flickering of lamps through the sheer curtains on the ground floor windows as she made her way up the cobblestoned sidewalk toward the gate to the estate grounds. Inej had elected to approach the front door on foot, no need for stealth here, now. It was only as Inej creaked open the iron gate that she heard voices. She noticed the front door to the house was slightly ajar, as if someone had only just returned. Inej stepped forward slowly, just in case the recent arrivals were not those who were meant to enter this house.

 

It was a dim thought, a thief or assassin would not use the front door, Inej would know. She snorted at her own ignorance as she walked forward.

 

            “Get on the table, it’s going to need stitches!” Nina’s voice was prevalent and annoyed as Inej took the steps to the door. Nina? Inej had thought she was working tonight, down in little Ravka. Nowhere near here.

 

            “For fucks sake, I know.” A reply of grating stone came from behind the door. Inej froze. Kaz? Kaz was here? What the hell was going on? What is going to need stitches? Inej heard several sets of footsteps and the click of his cane.

 

            Inej didn’t understand.

 

Inej thought she heard Jesper’s voice but the conversation had moved away from Inej’s hearing, deeper into the house. Inej didn’t need another moment, even if the initial shock had frozen her mid-step.

 

Inej barged into the foyer, welcomed by fresh crimson droplets on the marble floor and the dim sweep of lamp light; nothing else. The door to the dining room on the other side of the sitting room was still swaying on its hinges. They’d gone through it, there was a trail of blood to guide Inej.

 

Inej swore in suli as she crossed the room in a sprint. Saints, let them be alright. Panic coated her insides as she reached the door, already imagining worst case scenarios in her mind’s eye.

 

Before Inej had even pushed open the door, she heard Kaz’s voice.

 

“Fuck.”

 

He knew she was here. He always knew. She would have smiled, if she hadn’t been greeted by his blood all over the ground.

 

 

KAZ

 

            It had not been supposed to go like this. It was a simple job, all things considered. A job he should’ve pulled off with his fucking eyes closed. No, instead, there had been security in the form of explosives that Kaz hadn’t been informed of, and no spider to warn him of it. He should have brought Roeder, but his spider had been needed to oversee the new territory after the Black Tips had staged their show of little force. Now, Kaz was bleeding from a shrapnel wound to his side because of a rigged bomb on a vault door securing caches of jewels; jewels he’d been nabbing in the financial district, in a house only about a fifteen-minute waltz from Jesper and Wylan’s. His other spider, his best spider, had no knowledge of this job and it was supposed to stay that way. It had to stay that way. Inej couldn’t know, but Kaz would have to come up with something to explain the wound in his side, Arman was not at the Slat tonight, he was with his own partner, the medic from the University district. Kaz himself had given Arman the okay to stay out of the barrel for a night, a thanks for the grisha’s help in the aftermath of Inej’s hanging. Kaz wouldn’t be able to be healed from the small science, tonight. Inej would see the wound.

 

            He’d kept his blood from dripping for the remaining course of the job, using his tie as a bandage of sorts, clasped against his side where the metal had skimmed him, but now the tie had been soaked through and his abdomen was on fire. He’d begun dripping the moment they’d reached the Van Eck foyer. Thankfully, the job had still been a success. All of them had made it out of the Shu gem-dealer’s estate before the security guards had gotten to the vault in the wake of the symphony of demolition. Nina had taken care of the distraction of the guards while Kaz and Jesper had slipped inside the house, Wylan had detonated harmless smoke bombs to cover their escape. The minor explosion that had gotten Kaz, Wylan hadn’t set, but Kaz couldn’t care less. The gems weighing his pockets were real and now under new ownership. Kaz didn’t give a damn about the majority of the polished rocks, they’d be fenced off in no time. Padding for the pockets of the Dregs and fueling an empire in cold hard kruge. There was one gem, though, that meant everything to Kaz. One gem that this entire job had been for. One gem that was rare, priceless in the jeweler community.

 

            A one of a kind sort of gem for a one of a kind sort of woman. Kaz would settle for no less. It was a gem that had earned that Shu mercher his reputation in the precious stone trade, a piece of a collection that was the envy of every stone collector in the modern world. There were perhaps five in existence, from what Kaz had read. At least, only five that had ever been discovered in perfect condition.

 

            “Get on the table, you’re dripping!” Nina was yelping as they made it into the dining room of the Van Eck house. Kaz was winded, both from his leg and the run over here, as well as the angry wound on his side. Kaz hefted himself up onto the dining table, holding a hand over the wound. His shirt was dyed crimson, his glove soaked. He needed stitches, Nina wasn’t wrong. He was losing too much blood; it would get infected. Kaz knew wounds well enough after all these years in the barrel. This one could not wait for Arman and his healing abilities.

 

            “Ghezen,” Wylan mumbled as Kaz shrugged out of his blazer and began unbuttoning his shirt, the bloody tie fell to the ground with a splatter. Kaz’s hands were shaking, but he needed to clean the wound. It was not fatal by any means, but it fucking hurt. Kaz had a high pain tolerance, but it didn’t mean he craved an escape route for his intestines on the side of his body.

 

            “Oof,” Jesper whistled low as Kaz revealed the wound to the room. He was about to ask for a bottle of alcohol when he felt it.

 

Buzzing in his bones and a flutter in his stomach through the pain. Inej. Fuck.

 

“Fuck,” Kaz whispered as the dining room door pushed open to reveal a Wraith with worry etched into the line between her brows and widened eyes.

 

“What happened?” Inej rushed forward and Kaz winced as she saw the wound in his side. Nina was digging around in the liquor cabinet and turned over her shoulder, paling the moment she saw Inej’s face.

 

Kaz knew Nina had lied to Inej tonight, they all had. Nina had squealed like a school girl when Kaz had asked for her help with this job earlier this morning, but she’d promised to keep the secret from Inej. Kaz swore the grisha had almost hugged him, but he’d backed away quickly. Wylan had damn near jumped with glee when Kaz told him he was going to ask Inej to marry him, but Kaz had seen a slight sadness in his blue eyes. Little did the Merchling know he would have his time. Jesper was working on his own plans, too.

 

Wylan and Nina had both looked at Jesper expectantly when all the zemini had done was grin, but Jesper had only shrugged and said “I knew. It’s shocking, isn’t it? For once, I knew a secret first.” Kaz found he didn’t entirely loath his closest friends knowing this plan of his, as he’d thought he would. Actually, it made things easier, somehow. It was as if by telling them, Kaz made this possible future more real. Tangible. Possible, even for a monster like himself. It had also kept this job tight. The only people involved with it had been in this room, though Anika and some of the others knew of the job. But they only knew of the job, not why Kaz had actually done it.

 

“I’ll repeat myself. What. The. Hell. Happened?” Inej’s eyes whirled about the room, taking in their entire group. No one answered her and Kaz saw her shoulders stiffen, he didn’t like it. He was about to speak when Inej continued on anyways. “Fetch twine and a needle. Sheers too, if you have them.” Inej said to no one in particular, her voice like the steel of her blades.

 

“I can do it,” Kaz muttered when she turned back to him, Wylan exited the room on a mission for supplies, Jesper had his eyes downcast, avoiding both the ugly wound and Inej’s fury. Nina was clutching a bottle of spirits in the corner, clearly at war with whether to step forward or remain out of the war zone.

 

“Let me stitch you, I’m feeling rather in the mood to stab you, anyhow. Let’s have it be in a controlled environment, shall we?” Inej grimaced as she gathered napkins from the dining table beneath him. Kaz almost winced, more from her words rather than the press of the fabric against his side in her careful hands.

 

Wylan reappeared and laid out supplies on the table beside him. Kaz tried to catch Inej’s eye, to communicate with her that he’d try his best to explain the lies, but she wasn’t meeting him in the middle.

 

Inej was pissed, that much Kaz knew about his avri. She wasn’t in the wrong, but Kaz couldn’t tell her the truth, not yet. He was floundering, like a fly in the web of a mourning widow, black in heart and attire.

 

“Someone needs to start speaking before I drop needles and settle for knives,” Inej grumbled as she began to gather twine. She motioned over her shoulder for Nina as Jesper fetched a bowl from the kitchen. Nina stepped forward and passed Inej the bottle of liquor to cleanse the needle and his wound. Nina caught his eye, her green gaze begging him to let her tell Inej the truth, to repent for her guilt in front of her best friend. Kaz almost felt bad about it when he shook his head slightly. Wylan threw his eyes heavenward, clearly he’d caught the silent exchange.

 

“Right, so let’s all ignore Inej while she holds sharp objects and conspire silently instead,” Inej said as she angrily uncapped the liquor and poured it over the needle into the bowl.

 

“’Nej,” Jesper began but Inej took a shaky breath, deep and annoyed. It stopped Jesper in his tracks. The sharp-shooter took a nervous swallow.

 

“We both know this is going to hurt,” Inej said to Kaz, her only warning before his side was set on fire. Clearly, she’d deduced he was not in a fatal condition. Kaz did not let his face show the pain, but Inej passed him the bottle, which he took eagerly. He drank deeply, worshipping the burn in his throat that distracted him from the fire on his flank.

 

Inej began to thread the needle.

 

“I can hold you still,” Nina said softly, raising her hands as if to touch Kaz’s bare shoulders.

 

“No!” Kaz hadn’t meant to shout as he jerked violently away, earning him a fresh bout of pain in his side. Inej glanced hurriedly between himself and Nina, her eyes flashing with worry before hardening once the danger was averted. Inej was angry, but care still lined her every movement as her fingers brushed his skin.

 

“I- I’m sorry,” Nina whispered, dropping her hands and linking them in front of herself. The beading of her kefta caught the light at the same time as her eyes did. Kaz knew he owed her an apology, she didn’t know she could not touch him, but he didn’t have room in his mouth as Inej began to stitch him. He bit his cheek near the point of pain, but he kept his face in line. A long moment passed as Inej stitched, the room filled to the brim with an oppressive silence.

 

            “Why did everyone lie to me?” Inej paused her work suddenly, straightening herself from his side and turning her head to meet every gaze in the room. Wylan had guilt written all over his face, Nina did too. Jesper looked uneasy but kept his face a little more neutral, Kaz was grateful for it.

 

            “Inej, look at me. Look at me, please.” Kaz couldn’t take it anymore, she hadn’t met his eye once since she’d discovered he would be alright. Inej took a deep breath once more before she looked to him on the table. “It’s not… It was just an accident on a job,” Kaz breathed, already regretting the careless nature his words took on.

 

            “A job,” Inej mused, her shoulders stiff and posture sharp. It was a deadly whisper, a fighting stance in breath alone. “A job, that I knew nothing about. A job you kept from me. Every single person in this room lied to me, or omitted from me. Why?” Inej asked quietly.

 

            Kaz took a moment too long forming the words in his mind. While he was well acquainted with lying, it was necessary as a criminal, Kaz was not used to lying to Inej. Especially not lying to her face as her dark eyes turned stormy and tumultuous like the Sea she loved so much.

 

            She wasn’t supposed to know. She was supposed to be back in the Barrel, and by now, Kaz would have been joining her in their attic one more time before they moved to the High-Wire. She was supposed to be happy, and he was supposed to be acting as if no job had ever occurred.

 

            “It’s because of the hanging, isn’t it?” Inej didn’t give anyone a chance to respond. “It’s because you thought I needed time? I wasn’t ready to fight as I always have? Did it make me weak in your eyes?” Inej sputtered, not able to look at anyone. She ran her hands over her head, breaking her hair free from its coil. Her breathing had turned uneven.

 

            “No! Inej-” Nina started but Inej held up a shaking hand. Glass was shattering in her eyes and cracking down her cheeks in lines of sorrow. Kaz’s heart was chipping like the mugs in the Slat’s kitchen. He barely felt the thread in his half-stitched wound. Barely registered that he was still bleeding, albeit much slower.

 

Like Inej noticed his expressions, this was his least favorite on her face. Doubt. Doubt of herself. Doubt in him.

 

            “Inej, mera nadra,” Kaz began and Inej whirled on him.

 

            “I thought we were past this. I thought we were done with this. The secrets, the schemes. I thought we had turned the page, Kaz.” Inej said brokenly and he tried to reach out but she dodged his touch. Vaguely, he heard Jesper begin to say something, too. Inej met his eyes only once, but clearly, she didn’t find the answer she was looking for.

 

            Kaz felt his insides shatter, Inej was doubting them. Inej was doubting them. Inej was doubting them. Panic slipped into his vocal chords as he tried to speak. When Rietveld needed backup, Dirtyhands had shrugged in the corner of his mind. Words didn’t come out.

 

            “Inej!” Nina shouted, but she was already gone. The whoosh of the back terrace doors announced Inej’s exit.

 

            Like the thread in his side, Kaz was only hanging on. She knew he couldn’t follow her, now. She didn’t want him to. For the first time, Inej didn’t want him to find her in the dark.

 

            Had this been the moment? Had this been the moment he should have pulled his pieces together, bleeding or not, and dropped to a knee? Had he missed it, while he’d been lost in the storm of her dark eyes?

 

            “Inej,” Kaz whispered only to her thread in his wound. She was still keeping him together, even as she walked away.

Chapter 99: Stolen Moments

Summary:

Kaz and Inej make up.

Notes:

Chapter 99!

AHHHHHH. Yes, hi, it's me, your resident late poster. I'm sorry, but I think you will forgive me because I'm here with a 7k word update for your reading pleasure. I added another 3k words this afternoon, so I hope you understand. I'm also sorry if the editing isn't perfect or it's not as good, I was just really excited to get it up for you. I am sorry i'm late, but I love you all so much. I just hope you love this one. I hope you love it. I really really really really hope you love it. Get ready, guys. Chapter 100 is next. 100 is a big one. I cannot believe we are here. I really can't. <3

Thank you so much, as always. But this one is special. This story crossed 150k hits in the past few days, and 4k kudos. Thank you for supporting me, but even more so, just thank you for loving these characters as much as i do. They mean everything to me, and while I know they belong to Leigh Bardugo, I feel i've given them a little piece of myself, too. I can't wait for the future, and we're launching right into it. I love you guys and thank you for giving me a chance to become the writer I've always wanted to be, and for cheering me on, and for making my days brighter. I can't tell you what you've done for me, there aren't words. <3

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"With or Without You" by U2 (I'VE SAVED THIS SONG FOR SO LONG. SO LONG. I know you probably know it, but listen anyways. It just fits. It fits so well.)

KAZ

 

            “You are not stitching yourself right now,” Nina gaped as Kaz plucked up the needle, digging into his side with grit teeth to finish the last bit of sewing Inej had left unfinished. Kaz barely heard the grisha. He was too focused on pain he could handle.

 

            Pain was funny like that. Sometimes, you’d rather see blood and guts rather than the images your mind conjured when you blinked. Kaz could handle the sight of his skin swollen and red, droplets of blood. He could not handle the last moments he’d seen Inej, just now.

 

He could not handle her tears or the way her hands had shaken. He could not handle the void in her eyes, all yawns and snapping teeth, ready to drag his Wraith into pits he couldn’t follow her into. A darkness that Kaz had seen reach for her only a few times, a dark like the bottom of the harbor he was so familiar with. It was Inej’s own personal hell.

 

“I am,” Kaz mumbled, his gloves were hindering his progress. They were wet with his own blood, sticky and clumsy.

 

“Let me help you, for fucks sake.” Wylan was the one to snap and Kaz reached out a hand as the Merchling stepped forward. Kaz didn’t have anything left, wouldn’t have anything left until he found Inej, found a way to make something right.

 

“Do not touch me if you value the use of your limbs.” Kaz growled, moving his hands to pull off the leather with his teeth. The gloves landed with a dull thud, crimson fireworks of splatter left on the white table cloth.

 

            “What the fuck is wrong with you? Don’t talk to him like that.” Jesper was angry now, Kaz saw it as he tilted his head once to his best friend.

 

            Fair enough, Kaz thought. If anyone spoke to Inej that way he would say something, or break something. He’d almost jabbed Matthias Helvar in the jugular for his rudeness to Inej, once. Good on Jesper for having the restraint he himself lacked. Kaz did not admit this, though. He was not in the mood to be a better man. He was in the mood to fight, in the mood for Inej to make good on her promises and stab him.

 

            “Why can’t anyone help you? Inej just helped you. Don’t you trust us, yet? We helped you, tonight. We lied to her and it clearly backfired. Why the hell are you so fucking stubborn? Saints, you make me want to commit murder.” Nina sighed as she ran her hands through her hair.

 

            Kaz ignored all of them as he finished his task, every ounce of his will focused on securing his stitches into place, holding his body together. His body was something he could fix, right now. His heart? That wasn’t here anymore. That was in Inej’s pocket, wherever she was. She could toss it off the roof of the Slat and Kaz would let her. Hers to break, hers to keep.

 

            “Are you kidding me? Really, Brekker? At least fucking fight with me. Tell me something, are you going to go find her? Are you going to let us help you? Because I am sure as hell not going to let you lock us out now. We don’t do that anymore, any of us.” Nina said in his calculated silence, calm and rage balancing each word.

 

            Kaz tied off his stitches. He took a long drink of the liquor that still sat next to him. Nina was right. Of course she was. Kaz Brekker had exactly three women in his life: Inej, Nina, and Anika. They all tended to be right and Kaz hated it. He valued it.

 

            Kaz looked at the bottle in his bare hands. He was shirtless on the Van Eck dining table with stitches in his side and rare gems in his pockets. What a contrast. Inej’s Saints must have a sense of humor, he thought dimly.

 

            “I can’t be touched, alright? I can’t. It’s… It’s not stubbornness. It’s not pride. It’s a hell of a long story with only bullshit endings and sad plot twists. A story for when you want nightmares, Zenik. I need to find Inej.” Kaz growled with more venom than he’d intended. His shirt was destroyed, soaked with blood and torn from the shrapnel. His blazer would have to do.

 

            “Kaz.” Jesper took a step forward, clearly the bravest of the bunch. He always had been.

 

            “What?” Kaz hid his wince as he shrugged on his blazer over his bare chest.

 

            “Man, let me give you a fucking shirt.” Jesper said with a sigh.

 

            Maybe a shirt wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe Kaz could accept that.

 

            “Make it colorful.” Wylan mumbled under his breath. Kaz almost smiled. Almost.

 

            Jesper disappeared when Kaz nodded his head. He slipped off his blazer once more in wait for a shirt. He ignored Nina’s huffs of frustration as she began clearing the sheers and the bowl of liquor. She stomped out of the room, and Kaz knew he’d need to make good with her. Kaz knew a lot of things, but right now, he was holding onto a fraying thread of hope that Inej would see him. Listen to him. Stop running long enough for him to limp his way to her, to catch up.

 

            Kaz had hurt her. They all had. It didn’t matter that she did not know that the reasons were none of what she assumed. It mattered that his girl was hurt, it mattered that he’d caused it. That he’d roped every person here into a scheme, even a beautiful one. What mattered was that Inej had doubted herself, and them. Kaz had seen it in her eyes, a distrust he hadn’t seen since her early months with the Dregs. A tentative fear that she’d been fed lies, yanked like a puppet into trickery.

 

            Kaz would snip his own strings before he ever pulled hers.

 

            Wylan remained, assessing Kaz with the coolness of a true merchant. Wylan rarely got angry, but Kaz felt it in his quiet. The silence was full bodied and weighing on the entirety of the mansion. Kaz had no idea if Khalid and Rahul had been upstairs this entire time, he hoped not. Khalid would kill him for hurting Inej… actually, maybe Kaz would welcome that. Khalid could beat him into the ground or set him on fire. Rahul could watch. Nina could make snacks. Maybe Kaz would enjoy that, tonight. It would mean he did not have to face Inej. Kaz didn’t know if he was more afraid of facing her or of her turning him away. If he could even find her.

 

            Saints, if you’re there, it’s your favorite sinner. Have mercy on me, let me talk to her. Let me make it right. Steer her tides back to me, give me a raft. Don’t teach me omnipotent lessons, now. I’ll get my dues, but don’t let the price be her. Don’t let the price be us.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            Kaz was limping and wearing a navy blue button up under his blood ridden blazer. His gloves had dried stiffly over his fingers in the Ketterdam spring air. It was a crisp night, Kaz welcomed the cold on his face as he walked away from the Harbor.

 

            Inej had not gone to the Wraith. Specht had told him. Specht had assessed Kaz’s face and made no further comment, thankfully. Kaz had gone to the Chapel. Kaz had gone to the High-Wire. Kaz had even gone to Little Ravka and checked Inej’s and Nina’s favorite waffle diner. Nothing. She didn’t want to be found, Kaz was certain of it.

 

            Kaz’s last hope was that she’d returned to the Slat, he’d already gone back to the Van Eck mansion once in the past two hours, where Nina had simply opened the front door and said “not here” and slammed it in his face. Kaz had hurt the Corpse Witch’s feelings, he could tell. He shouldn’t have snapped at all of them, but he didn’t care. Couldn’t care. All he cared about was hidden in the shadows, somewhere. He didn’t feel Inej, but he found himself looking up to the rooftops, looking for her familiar frame as he walked. The Barrel was loud and lively, as usual, but Kaz kept to the alleys as he marched toward the Slat.

 

            He stopped only once. He took one of the gems from his pocket, one that could easily be sold for a couple thousand kruge to a shop vendor, and put it next to the huddle of kids sleeping by a bridge over a canal. He slipped it under a tin cup. They’d never know, and Kaz had made sure he wasn’t seen. Tomorrow, if they were lucky, they’d be rich enough to rent a room for a couple of months. Stay out of the cold and rain of Spring by the Harbor.

 

            He didn’t know why he did it. Ever since he’d joined the Dregs, if he could afford it, he would pass on a few kruge to the kids like him. The orphans, the unwanted, the bastards. Someday, they’d find their way, if Kaz could help it. Maybe it made him a better man, or maybe, it made him worse. Worse that he could not look at their faces and offer them salvation. Worse that his kindness was always under the cover of smoke and shadow. A kindness that dressed in black and harsh lines rather than softness.

 

            His leg was beyond angry; his side was inflamed. Kaz hadn’t eaten today. He’d slept for maybe four bells in the past two days, between planning security for the new territory and keeping the Blacktips in line. Not to mention the scheming he’d done to prepare for the jewel heist. All he needed was the buzz in his bones that told him Inej was near. She didn’t even have to look at him tonight, he thought he could live with that. It was not what he wanted. What Kaz wanted was for her to look at him like she still loved him, even with his fucking schemes. Look at him with the trust he’d spent years earning. To never have her look at him like she was betrayed, ever again.

 

            Kaz walked up to the Slat, leaning heavy on his cane. He was excessively grateful when he did not get stopped when he entered, there was only Dirix on guard at the door, who tipped his hat and uttered “boss”.

 

            Fuck the stairs. Fuck the stairs. Fuck the stairs. I want my fucking elevator.

 

            Kaz made it to the third floor, and if he could have run the remaining flight to the attic, he would have. He felt her. Inej had come back here. Inej was here. She was here. Kaz didn’t know what to do with it, but he knew it was better than the entirety of the past four bells.

 

            He knew she must have heard him, unless she was asleep. It was possible, seeing as it was nearing half two bells. Kaz didn’t know, but he saw the dull slant of light under their door. She’d left the lamp on, or candles burning. Inej.

 

            One last shaking breath had him unlocking the door, and pushing it open. There were boxes lined up by the wall, he realized. Inej had been packing, tonight. Packing for their move. The lamp on his desk burned low, flickering and casting a golden film over the room. Inej was sitting on the end of the bed, she was wearing one of his shirts and a pair of sleep trousers. He didn’t know why it brought him peace, but it did. It did.

 

            “Did your intestines fall out?” Inej asked quietly, her voice scratched from no use. Her eyes looked up to him, she’d been toying with a coin in her fingers, waiting for him, he realized. Inej. Her eyes were swollen, red. She’d been crying. Inej had been crying. He should have come back here, first. Fuck.

 

            Kaz hadn’t thought she’d be here. He’d thought she wanted to be as far from him as possible, maybe even sailed away into the harbor. He’d messed up, again.

 

            “Not yet, though if you wish to, I can let you have a go at the knots in the stitches. I did a bad job, I think. Nowhere near as efficient as the knots you tie at sea.” Kaz mumbled as he dropped his jacket over the desk chair. He couldn’t be bothered to hang it up. He pulled at the borrowed shirt from Jesper awkwardly, Inej felt far away. It was as if his own body recognized her distance in spirit. He hated it. Couldn’t deal with it.

 

            “I left you bleeding,” Inej whispered. He didn’t know if he was even supposed to hear her words.

 

            “You lied to me, you never lie to me. Why did you lie to me, Kaz?” Inej said then, her eyes were assessing him, begging and pleading for something Kaz wanted to give her, more than anything. She wasn’t finding what she wanted in his eyes, apparently. She looked to the ground.

 

            He couldn’t take it. He couldn’t fucking take it. They’d fought so rarely since they’d started… them. They always bickered, but fighting rarely occurred any more. This didn’t feel like a fight, though. This felt like a lost battle. It felt like the aftermath of war, walking through a field and counting up the dead. Acceptance.

 

            Kaz refused that reality. They were still fighting; this wasn’t an end. It was a misunderstanding and a big mistake on his part, some small ones on her end. It was time to face it, fix it. Move forward, together.

 

            “I lied to you and I am sorry, Inej.” Kaz tried as he took a step forward, he wanted to look at her, be close to her, talk to her with eyes or words, he didn’t care which. He felt unraveled, fragile. He felt like a hand grenade.

 

            “Terrible truths, never kind lies,” Inej whispered under her breath. “That’s what you’ve always been to me. Honesty. Truth. Everyone lied to me.”

 

            It was something in her words, something defeated. Something resigned. Like she’d given up. His spine straightened, his defenses railed. He didn’t know what he’d do. He… she would not give up, would she? His armor raised without his consent, anger boiled beneath the surface. She’d told him to fight, yet it didn’t seem that she was fighting. It felt like hypocrisy, she was giving up. It made him want to scream.

 

            “Are you giving up, Inej? Tired of me, now?” He hadn’t meant to say it, hadn’t meant to be cruel. Yet here he was, protecting what little was left of his softness. Protecting himself with armor. Armor she’d asked him to remove, only for her.

 

            Her eyes flicked up, suddenly and angrily. Like a predator.

 

            “How dare you. How dare you stand there and make me feel as if I should repent for my doubts. You lied to me Kaz. Everyone I trusted… you all treated me like glass. It felt like pity, Kaz. Pity!” Her voice shook like a blade as it hit the center of the bullseye.

 

            “You knew what I was, Inej. I told you countless times.” He couldn’t stop the words, couldn’t stop the rage. He already regretted opening his mouth in this state, saying things he didn’t mean. He was spiraling between Dirtyhands and Rietveld. All that was left was the logic of Brekker. The logic that made sense. What made sense was to push and push and push her away if she could give up so easily. It was wrong, and he knew it, even as anger coursed through him.

 

            He should have slept. Should have asked her to marry him. Should have been better, for himself.

 

            “You think, Kaz Brekker, that I did not know what I was signing up for?” Inej stood now. She stood and faced him head on, her shoulders rolled back.

 

            “I don’t fucking know, Inej. I don’t know what you want from me, the truth? That’s it? Well, I can give it to you. It was not because you were weak that I did this job without you. It was not because I didn’t want you there. It was because of the moment, okay? The moment, I needed that moment! It’s the hardest fucking thing I’ve ever tried to steal and it’s eluded me since Ravka and I just wanted… It had to be right!” Kaz bellowed, the words falling and flailing out of his throat. He knew he made no sense to her. It was all the truth, though.

 

He’d wanted to steal that gem so he could steal the right moment so he could spend all the rest of his moments with her. She didn’t know any of that.

 

He’d yelled. He’d yelled at her. She flinched away from him. Inej flinched. It woke him up, his anger dissipated in the matter of a blink.

 

Never raise your voice with the Wraith. Kaz had learned that lesson long ago. Now, he’d broken yet another vow he’d made to her.

 

Her eyes were wet. His breathing was uneven. She was staring at him and he was staring at her. “Forgive me, please” he begged with eyes alone.

 

“Are you done being an ass?” She snapped in a lethal whisper.

 

“I- yes.” Kaz ran a hand over the side of his head, gripped his cane tighter. He felt like an ass, she was not wrong.

 

Inej took a deep breath, then, she stepped toward him. Not away. Kaz didn’t understand as he watched her.

 

“I’m still angry with you,” Inej said softly as she stopped directly in front of him. Kaz nodded once. Everything was charged, the room felt too small for their energy.

 

“I shouldn’t have yelled. I can say that. Mati en sheva yelu, Inej.” Kaz said softly, he said it and he meant it. He’d yelled, and he would not do it to her again. He knew what yelling had done to her in the Menagerie, and this action would not echo. Kaz vowed it with his eyes and words.

 

Inej looked at his face, and he saw the promise register in her eyes. She nodded and took another step closer, tilting her head to see him properly from so close.

 

“I don’t know what any of what you just said meant, but it was the truth. I can tell that much.” Inej mumbled, her eyes focused on his for longer than they had all night.

 

            “Are you done with me, Inej?” He had to know. Had to ask. Some part of him already knew the answer, but another part, a part that refused to be silent, was terrified. Terrified that she would walk away from him. Kaz knew that trust was the most important thing to Inej. To another couple, a normal couple, perhaps this would only be a fight, a loose stone in the path. A trip, a fall, a brushing off of dust. To Inej, this could be the path cracking and fissuring and falling to the sea far below the cliffside. Kaz had to know. He would hold their path together with his bare hands before he let it end.

 

            “Is that what you thought, Kaz?” Inej whispered and he saw a twinge of amusement in her eyes despite the clouds of tears.

 

            “Yes.” All he could give her was honesty. It was what she needed.

 

            “No, mera chaar. I am not done with you. I will never be done with you.” Inej said with a sigh, and Kaz thought he could collapse. He could breathe again.

 

            “I’m still angry with you,” Inej repeated. Kaz nodded once more. “Tomorrow, you will tell me the truth. I need the truth, Kaz.” Inej reached a hand up, he saw her touch coming as she gently tilted his face to look at her.

 

            He was scheming even as he nodded in concession to her request. Inej needed the truth. He needed to ask her. He needed the moment. Maybe, it was just time to reach for it. Maybe, it was time to grip the moment that the world had refused to hand him, just like he’d stolen everything else.

 

Perhaps, Kaz didn’t need to chase an extraordinary moment, maybe he would simply create it.

           

            Tomorrow, Kaz thought. Tomorrow.

 

            Tomorrow, and then, for good. Forever.

 

 

****** WARNING: Spice ahead. Don’t worry! You can skip this portion and you’ve finished the chapter! Everything will still make sense, I promise! ******

 

            Inej’s eyes were on his lips, she was still angry with him. Kaz could see it. There was something else here, too. A tether of lightning between them. He was angry with himself, angry with how the night had turned out. He wanted to fall to his knees and beg her for a lifetime.

 

            He wanted to fall to his knees for other reasons, too. His mind had zeroed in on her closeness, on his need to feel her. She’d felt so far away, but now, his skin hummed and his body wanted to be closer. She was here, spirit and body.

 

            “You’re still angry with me.” Kaz confirmed, her eyes were clearing as she looked at him.

 

She looked at him with fire, whether to burn him or consume him, he wasn’t sure. All he knew was that he relished in the heat, the caress of her gaze in flames against his cheeks, his neck, his lips.

 

“I’m livid, Kaz.” Inej whispered, her eyes flickered to his mouth again. “But maybe, I can still be angry tomorrow. Maybe we can put a hold on our fighting until the sun rises.”

 

Kaz shivered, embers rolled down his back and the pain of his wound was forgotten as he took in her every breath with greedy eyes. If she was going to burn him alive, he would snatch the image of her to take with him into the inferno.

 

            He cleared his throat, “How about tomorrow, you can still be angry with me, but we can move into an apartment with plenty of doors for you to slam in my face?”

 

            “I think I can work with that,” Inej smiled softly, only the slight quirk of her lips. It was enough. It was so so enough.

 

            “Until then, until the sun rises, what are you? Angry?” Kaz asked, he took the last remaining step between them after leaning his cane against the desk behind him. Her eyes were drinking him as he consumed her.

 

            “Until the sun rises, I’m angry second, and selfish first.” Inej whispered as she stood on her toes and laid a kiss to the corner of his mouth.

 

            Kaz was going to collapse if he didn’t have her closer. It was stronger than it had ever been, the wash of desire over the entirety of his body and soul.

 

            “Take what you want, Inej.” He whispered.

 

            A button popped open on his borrowed shirt. Kaz hadn’t even registered her hand. It felt… good. Normal. He didn’t have to watch her every move.

 

            “Blue isn’t your color,” Inej whispered and Kaz couldn’t help the smile on his lips as she grimaced at the fabric. He also preferred black.

 

            The moment she saw his smile, her lips were on his. He felt no water, he felt no pain, not as she pressed into him, her hands removing his shirt faster than he’d known she could.

 

Kaz began to reach for hers, but she pulled away from him, took a step back. He thought he could die, it was the most dramatic thought he’d maybe ever had. He didn’t care.

 

“I’m being selfish, remember?” Inej smirked.

 

Oh. Oh no.

 

            “What does that mean?” Kaz whispered as he stepped closer to her, she stepped back.

 

            “I want… I want to see you. We can’t… I don’t think I’m ready to remove everything, all at once, on both of us.” Inej mumbled, a flush graced her cheeks and sprinted down her neck to her collarbones under her shirt.

 

            She wanted him undressed. Inej wanted to take off his clothes. All of them.

 

Frankly, Kaz did not mind her seeing him, she already had, once. Fair was fair on that front, he’d seen her bare several times, now. Slept with her naked in his arms. She was also right. They’d made so much progress, but having all of their skin exposed at once… Kaz was not ready for that, either. So for now, it was one or the other. Inej had chosen him. Did that mean… did that mean she wanted to try to touch him, as he’d touched her? Would the water rise? Kaz couldn’t finish the thought. He wanted to try. Of course he wanted to try. How many times had he imagined how her hand would feel on him, with no barrier? His body ached, not from pain, from anticipation.

 

            Kaz swallowed but removed his gloves and dropped them to the desk, he noted the shirt Jesper had lent him in a pile on the ground. He hazarded a glance to his own side, where the stitches were still red, his skin bruising purple. He barely felt it, now. Tomorrow would be when the pain settled in, he’d gotten enough wounds in the Barrel to know. Tomorrow was the day for many things, but today, today Inej wanted him.

 

            He wanted. He wanted this to work. He had no idea if her hands… if her hands on the rest of his body would still be registered as safe. She’d touched him through his clothes many times, touched his chest bare… but never lower, not without the fabric between them. He wanted too much for one person. He would try, so long as Inej wanted to.

 

            “I want to kiss you, Inej. Let me kiss you, please.” Kaz breathed and she was before him once more, silent on her feet and steady in her mission. It had been his answer, and it had been enough for her.

 

            That kiss ended him. Ended him and started him and cycled him. Her lips were on his and gently, she was nudging him toward the bed. He couldn’t think of anything besides her. How could water rise when he was only fire in her hands?

 

            He didn’t know how she’d done it, but his belt had been removed somewhere in the paces from the desk to the bed and his leg sighed in hymns to the Saints as Inej prodded him to sit. His hands traced over her hips through her clothes as she stood between his knees at the edge of the bed, she straightened from his lips to look down at him.

 

            “Can I?” Inej asked, her eyes flicking to his pants. He’d already kicked off his shoes and socks, somewhere. His mind had stopped functioning at full speed, he was lost in her. Found in her. He’d convinced himself he might lose her tonight, and now that he knew it was not the case, he could only exist with her; knowing they would fight another day, all of their days.

 

            Kaz short circuited. The gems. The gems in his pockets. Not thegem, that one was in the custody of Jesper, along with the ring he would manipulate for Kaz. But still, there were gems in his pockets. Inej was reaching toward his lap, slow in her movements, waiting for his permission.

 

            “Wait, what is in your pockets?” Inej tilted her head as she noticed the odd shapes from her close stance. Kaz didn’t know if he was lucky or extremely unfortunate that she hadn’t noticed until now. He said the first thing that came to mind, regrettably.

 

            “I’m very happy to see you, Inej.” It took only a second for his joke to register before she was lost in laughter. He couldn’t help but smile despite his panic.

 

Inej was going to find out what type of job he’d ran tonight. He only had to keep the rest of the secret for twenty-four bells, less than that.

 

 

INEJ

 

            “You have… diamonds in your pockets?” Inej couldn’t help but laugh as Kaz sheepishly emptied his pants of diamonds and opals onto the bed. She was still angry, but he was here. He’d come to find her, and they would see this through. Kaz had agreed to her request for answers, and she would hold him to it. She did not doubt that he would have given her his word if he did not plan to follow through.

 

            He’d hurt her, but she’d seen it in his eyes when he had yelled. She’d seen fear and honesty. She was angry and hurt, but she would forgive him. She would forgive all of them, so long as they gave her answers. She hadn’t been able to see that, earlier this evening. In the Van Eck dining room, she’d fallen apart. She hadn’t wanted to hear excuses or reasons, so she’d left. She did not regret leaving, but she had regretted how she’d left Kaz bleeding. She would apologize for that, too. She just was not ready, yet. Not yet. Now, she wanted to finish her plans.

 

            Her plans to be close to him. To know him the way he was beginning to know her. Equals. Etma se saman. She didn’t know what had started that fire under her skin, but seeing him, standing there, whole and well… she’d needed him. Wanted him. Yearned to separate the distance between them, both in soul and body.

 

            “Yes, I have diamonds in my pockets.” Kaz grinned as he eyed his hoard, kruge already being counted in his eyes. Inej shook her head as she plucked up one of the stones and weighed it in her hand.

 

            “Pretty, I guess. They all look the same, though. Shiny but not… unique.” Inej said as she twirled the stone between her fingers, the diamond caught the lamp light and sent spots to dance on the ceiling of the attic.

 

            “That’s what I thought,” Kaz mumbled to himself, a sly sort of smile on his lips. Inej noticed the wound in his bare side again, he seemed to be feeling alright… but perhaps her plan of selfishness should not be followed through. He’d been injured.

 

            Somehow, Kaz must have read her mind. He was dusting diamonds to the ground and clearing the sheets of stones that could pay for a second ship. His movements were hurried in such a way that she almost broke out in laughter. Kaz Brekker, monster, but still a man, predictable in this way.

 

            “Come here, don’t let diamonds ruin the mood,” Kaz rasped and Inej rolled her eyes as she dropped the stone she was holding to the ground. She did not particularly care for shiny clear rocks. Inej was still a woman, though. Just because she wore trousers in the place of skirts did not mean she didn’t enjoy something that sparkled. It was just… she had been raised in a culture full of vibrancy and color. Inej didn’t understand why the Kerch elite liked all of their rocks to look the same, especially when the fashion of the pleasure district was color, save for a slinking barrel boss.

 

If Inej were to wear jewels, she’d choose things like the ruby bindi she’d worn in Ravka. Things like emeralds or the amethyst that Mama wore so regularly in her nose piercing. Things with meaning. With life.

 

Inej forgot about the riches on the floor the moment she laid in the bed next to Kaz, their eyes met and that flint caught fire once more. His eyes were sweeping over her, his hands drawing lazy patterns over the slope of her hips.

 

“I’ll repeat my question, can I take these off, now?” Inej whispered, ignoring the flush to her cheeks. She’d seen him naked. She’d never…she’d never touched him bare before, though. She had no idea if this was where it would happen, if this moment would be the time that the silk canopy returned above her, a noose of beauty and cheap mockery. She didn’t want Kaz’s body to remind her of those she’d been forced to touch, to allow to touch her.

           

            Kaz swallowed, as she leaned into his unwounded side, peppering kisses along his neck and jaw. He was nervous, Inej could feel it under her lips. She also knew he wanted her, the gems had not been the only thing she’d noticed.

 

            “Yes,” He sighed as Inej pulled away to meet his gaze. He was giving her permission with his eyes and words as she slid her hand over his bare chest. Inej had learned that this helped him, movement. It was as much a reminder of her aliveness as his eyes of familiarity were for her.

 

            Inej relished in the noise that escaped his throat as she leaned down and pressed a kiss to his stomach, just above his naval. She distracted him with kisses along his chest, distracted herself as her hand undid the button on his trousers, the zipper. She could feel him through the fabric and warmth dipped in her abdomen. Inej wanted him, she wanted them to be better. She wanted this life with him, and yet, her hands began to shake.

 

            “’Nej,” Kaz breathed, part moan, part plea. Her hand traced the length of him through his pants, teasing.

 

            I can do this. I want this. I want him bare for me as I’ve been for him. We can do this. It’s Kaz. Kaz. Kaz. Kaz.

 

            His hips bucked into her touch and Inej felt a smile pull on her lips when she looked up to find his eyes fluttering shut, his mouth parted.

 

            “I see what you meant, now. You’re torturing me, darling. I deserve it, I do.” He gasped as Inej slipped a finger into his waist band, sweeping just above the beginning of his most sensitive area. Inej was enjoying herself, she hadn’t… she hadn’t known it could be like this. She hadn’t known that it could feel good, empowering, to be above him, making him gasp her name. She loved it, loved him.

 

            Her anger still burned, but she knew her trust in him had not been broken. Kaz would never hurt her, not intentionally. She knew it with every flutter of his eyelashes, every gasp of her name as she left bruising kisses along his neck.

 

            “Help me, I want these gone.” Inej whispered and Kaz complied quickly, shifting his hips and shucking his last remaining barriers to the ground with the diamonds.

 

            Her eyes could not land, despite that she’d seen him before, she’d never been so close. Instead of shifting away from a man’s naked body, Inej wanted to be closer. Closer to Kaz, always. Someday, she promised. Someday they’d be there. Someday soon, they would make love, they would sleep bare, they would lock the demons away, even temporarily. They’d learn, together. They would.

 

            “You are staring.” Kaz’s cheeks had taken on a hint of red and Inej’s lips pulled into a smile, wide and happy.

 

            “I thought you liked it when I stare at you?” Inej whispered in retort.

 

            “I do, but I’m naked.” Kaz laughed, almost nervously. Kaz Brekker truly nervous was rare, beautiful. Just like his body.

 

            “And striking,” Inej complimented with a peck to his lips, her hand still explored his chest, she would move slow, for both of their sakes. Despite that she knew both of their prides took hits every single time they had to move at a pace of molasses, much to both of their bodies protests.

 

            “You’re being very nice for a Wraith who’s pissed with me,” Kaz quipped, his eyes latching onto hers in the dim light.

 

            “I could try being mean, would you like a change of pace?” Inej raised a brow just as she let her hand dip from his side to trace over the top of his thigh. She felt goosebumps raise on his skin, but his eyes did not leave hers.

 

            “I don’t think I’d very much enjoy that when you have knives and fairly precious body parts are exposed to you, mera nadra.” She loosed a laugh as Kaz shivered, her fingers danced over his thigh, those strange scars. Inej would ask him about them, she wanted to know what they were. Slightly pink circles, unlike his birthmark on his opposite thigh.

 

            “Is this alright, for you?” Inej asked quietly. His eyes fluttered once, he nodded.

 

            “It’s new. It’s all new, Inej. It’s good, it’s terrifying.” Kaz responded in a whisper laced in wonder.

 

            “I know. It’s the same for me. Every time we move farther,” Inej leaned down, pressed a kiss to his cheek as she propped herself up on one elbow.

 

            “I want to touch you.” She sighed into the soft skin just below his ear.

 

            “Please, for the love of your Saints, please touch me, Inej.” Kaz replied, eyes shut.

 

            Inej paused, for only a moment. Warmth was flooding her veins, embracing her every limbs and every nerve in her body. Kaz was begging, for her to touch him.

 

            In that single second, against the millions they’d shared, Inej saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Kaz was in the dark and holding her hand, solid against her void and treading his water. They’d come so far, so far. Was anything truly impossible? Inej didn’t think so, not anymore.

 

            Life had graced her with belief. Belief in the Saints, in wonder, in freedom. In herself. In Kaz Brekker.

 

            Inej pressed closer into his side, her lips tracing his, tasting him as her hand reached lower on his body. She hadn’t expected that trail of raven hair to be so soft, she had expected him to be as hard as he was. Her hand felt small around him, but instead of feeling sick, Inej relished in his gasp as she gripped him gently.

 

            “Inej,” He groaned into her kiss on his lips.

 

            “I love you, Kaz.” Inej whispered, her hand began to move on him, just as she had through his clothes several times before.

 

            “I love you, I love you, I love you.” Kaz gasped as her hand moved along his cock. She felt the bead of release as she ran a finger over the top of him. She smiled. She was here. She was not in the dark, nor was she alone. She could do this, with Kaz. She could be that woman she’d always wanted to be. The woman who could be confident and brave in the bedroom of the man she loved.

 

            “Love, this- ah,” Kaz’s hips bucked into her hand and Inej couldn’t stop watching him. Kaz was free beneath her, untethered and unarmored.

 

            “Let go, Kaz. Let go how I let go for you.” She pressed her lips into the juncture between his neck and shoulder, the very place he’d first kissed her own body.

 

            “Inej,” It was a whisper as he groaned. She felt him let go, in her hand. She didn’t mind the mess; this was Kaz. It was them. This was them, slow, steady, and moving forward.

 

            Every shake of his body sent warmth through her, she was smiling when he opened his eyes to her, her hand still wrapped around him gently.

 

            “Fuck.” He whispered. Inej’s grin widened.

 

            “We need to fight more, I’m a bastard and I absolutely want you to be selfish more often to punish me.”

 

            “No, that was a thank-you, late, but a thank-you nonetheless.” Inej laughed as Kaz quirked his head.

 

            “I’ve barely seen you since you showed me the Wire, Kaz. I’d been planning to do that for two days. Tomorrow, I’m still angry with you until I have the truth.” Inej chuckled.

 

            “Oh. Well in that case, just be selfish more often. I quite enjoyed that.” Kaz sighed with a satisfied sort of grin, his head falling back to the pillows. Inej couldn’t help but lean in once more, a kiss to his forehead.

 

            “I did it. I didn’t drown.” Kaz whispered. Inej smiled as he maneuvered himself to stand, presumably to shower.

 

            “I’m being selfish, so don’t you dare put clothes on when you come back out here!” Inej called after him as he walked to the bathroom. She heard his laughter as he shut the door, a mumble under his breath of “yes ma’am”.

 

            Inej wondered, why Kaz had not taken her on the jewel heist. She needed answers. She needed to know why Jes, Nina, Wylan… why they’d all thought it best to lie to her. Why Kaz had lied.

 

            What moment was it? What moment was Kaz trying to steal? She didn’t have time to contemplate before Kaz was walking out of the bathroom, naked and dried from a quick shower. It was a sight she would surely think of when she was not in Ketterdam, a sight only for her.

 

            “Maybe I can… convince you to be less angry with me in the morning?” Kaz was eyeing her, his gaze dark and promiscuous. She knew he would not remove her clothes, but damnit, Kaz Brekker was good with his hands.

 

            “You can certainly try.” Inej responded as the mattress dipped and pale arms were wrapping around her as she laughed.

 

            If Inej were to steal a moment, maybe it would be this one. This moment on a bed, surrounded by forgotten diamonds.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

KAZ

 

            Inej was asleep in the morning sun, tempting him back into the bed, but Kaz dressed and slipped out of the attic, using every bit of stealth he could muster to not wake her.

 

 

            “Kaz?” Khalid mumbled with a yawn as he opened his and Rahul’s guestroom door at the Van Eck mansion.

 

            “I need you to teach me how to ask Inej to marry me in suli.” Kaz straightened his tie and flicked a piece of lint off his blazer.  

Chapter 100: One Bad Knee, One Good Question

Summary:

A question.

Notes:

Chapter 100!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE DID IT. WE ARE HERE. CHAPTER 100. GUYS. I know I'm late, I said earlier on my socials a few hours, but it took me like 7 instead of 4, and I am sorry, but it had to be right. This one in particular is a labor of love and devotion and a thousand different versions. I couldn't post something I wasn't proud of for this one. I hope it was worth the wait, and more than that, I hope it was worth the read of the ninety-nine chapters before it.

I just want to be a sap for a second, because this is a huge milestone, in more than one way. Not only is this the hundredth chapter of "Dealing With Our Demons", but we are also crossing the 400k words mark. When I began writing this, I always had ideas of where this story could go and I knew I wanted to write it, but I never expected to have others want to read everything i had to write. I started out this fic with an idea of writing about the moments, the times unseen in published novels because there isn't enough time. I wanted to write a life for Kaz and Inej, and while I still can't accomplish that, even with 400k words, I hope I've given you a glimpse of what life can be about. It's always been about love, in every facet and lense. We have so much more to go before the end, but this is where forever is on the horizon, and I hope you want to read until the end. I love you, each and every one of you, and if you're going on a journey of your own, towards healing, towards self-improvement, toward your dreams, whatever it is, just know that you have at least one supporter in me, the way you've supported my writing.

Thank you for a hundred chapters, and thank you for a thousand smiles.

PLEASE. PLEASE. I BEG YOU. Tell me what you thought. Let me gush in the comments with you, let me hear what you felt. This chapter means maybe more to me than almost any other. I've worked so hard to get here, and so have our beloved characters. <3 This one is for Kaz and Inej.

"Everything" by Lifehouse. (I've saved this song for this chapter since chapter 1. It's a long song, and slow, but it's worth it. Start it around when we get to Inej's perspective. I beg you. PLEASE. The lyrics, guys. All of them.)

KAZ

 

            “Boss, Wraith put her boxes on the cart, do you want Pim and I to bring them up once we get over to the new base?” Anika was leaning against the door frame of Kaz’s office door, his old office, he supposed. Granted, it would still be a place he’d come to conduct business on occasion. He hadn’t had a ton to pack, only the contents of the desk, save for some pens and parchment. Kaz had already ordered his own boxes placed on the cart destined for the High-Wire. He’d haphazardly packed up the things in the attic, only leaving one old suit in the wardrobe, a few candles and the furniture. Inej had left some things in her drawer as well. Kaz had also elected to leave his dart board behind, he’d gotten a new one for his office at the High-Wire. If Kaz was frank, he couldn’t care less about leaving Per Haskell’s old office behind. The attic, while Kaz almost mourned it, would always be there when they needed it, or wanted it. The future was brighter, in that apartment on the sixth floor of the High-Wire, and Kaz was excited. Excited, on Kaz Brekker. How strange.

 

            When Kaz had returned from the Van Eck mansion in the newborn hours of daylight, Inej had indeed still been annoyed with him. Annoyed that he’d snuck out and left her sleeping when he’d promised her explanations. But, she’d used a spare sheet to carefully wrap her emblem, intent on bringing it with them to their new apartment. She’d shed one smile his direction when she’d removed it from the wall, before seeming to remember she was irritated with him.

 

            The Wraith had kept her word, once the sun came up, she was not forgiving him until he gave her the unabridged truth of why he’d schemed without her on the jewel heist. Kaz didn’t mind. Only a few more bells.

 

            Hours in comparison to eternity in theory would be a breeze. In theory, Kaz should have been perfectly patient. He was not. He’d been sweating half the day, something extremely uncharacteristic for Kaz Brekker. His stomach hadn’t even been able to accept coffee; it was flipping too much.

 

Khalid had laughed when Kaz had almost punched a hole through a wall when his accent hindered him in their lesson this morning. Rahul had been a far better tutor, rather, he just laughed less. It hadn’t made things easier when Wylan and Jesper had happened on the suli study session in the Van Eck living room. It became unbearable once Nina awoke and kept chuckling with Khalid. It seemed Nina had put her anger with him on hold in favor for amusement. Both of them, Nina and Khalid had been red in the face from muffled retorts and jokes. He knew it was all in friendship, but it didn’t stop him from rehearsing the words every moment he found alone in the packing of the Slat.

 

He could not mess this up, not for Inej. His greatest scheme to date could not be hindered by tumbling awkwardly over a few foreign words.

 

            Kaz had no fucking clue what he was doing. He’d had plans, he’d intended to ask Inej for her hand in a place far away from the Barrel, somewhere green and lunar hued. That was not happening, now. Kaz mourned that plan, in some way, but he could not hold it in any longer. He’d damn near snatched Inej’s journal out of her hands this morning, to keep her from seeing that note he’d left her. He’d played it off as if he wanted to make sure those books were with his card collection, moved only by him. Which, on one hand, was absolutely factual. On the other, was another lie. A good one, but a falsity no less.

 

            Soon. Soon, Kaz could go back to having not a secret in the world from Inej. He longed for those days. Those days before a ring had haunted his every waking thought. A ring he only desired to slip on her finger and see there every day for the rest of his life.

           

            “Boss?” Anika questioned again. Kaz had his back turned to her, he’d almost forgotten she’d asked him a question.

 

He was a fucking wreck, today. Inej had noticed, he was certain. It was probably the only thing keeping her from questioning him with the sharp end of a Saint.

 

Not only was he a wreck because of his impending future waiting on a few syllables to fall out of his mouth and a single utter from Inej’s lips; no, he was also a wreck because as it turned out, having about seventeen people moving out of the Slat and into a new building in one afternoon was utter chaos. It had to be done, though. Since the acquiring of the new Dime Lion’s territory, Rotty had successfully picked up at least four new recruits, and rooms were needed here in the Slat, as soon as possible.

           

            “Yes. You have the only other lift key for the sixth floor, Inej should be there with her key already for the door to our rooms. She’ll direct you with the boxes, and we both know she’ll help.” Kaz sighed as he closed the lid on the box he’d carry over himself. A box of Crow Club documents and his own decks of cards and personal belongings. Inej had insisted on carrying her emblem to the High-Wire herself, and had left over half a bell ago already.

 

            “At the risk of being shot, are you alright, Brekker? You seem… I don’t know. Squirrely.” Anika mumbled and Kaz released a heavy sigh. Yes, he was alright. No, he was terrified. Yes, he was excited. No, he was stressed out more than Ghezen when the stock market took a hit.

 

            “I’ll see you at the High-Wire.” Kaz answered coolly and flicked his cane up before tucking his box under his arm.

 

            “Whatever you say, Kaz. Just thought I’d ask because the Captain seemed pissed this morning.” Anika mumbled but one glance at his glare had her rolling her eyes and moving out of the doorway to clear a path for him.

           

            Once, Kaz might have snapped at her clear jibe. Now, Kaz figured he could not hide the source of his weather worn mood. Inej had not hidden her glares at him as she traversed the Slat, prepping for the move, offering to help Arman, Anika and the others. They all knew, now. All knew that he and Inej were together, and like any other monsters dressed as people, had quarrels. Granted, Kaz hoped their quarrel was near an end. After last night, he nearly would have prayed.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            “Last of the boxes have been moved over, for everyone,” Pim reported to Kaz in his new office on the third floor of the High-Wire. His new office was twice the size of Per Haskell’s old den, dark wood floors and freshly painted walls in a hue of storm cloud gray. Currently, the meeting table of dark oak was covered in boxes of paperwork, the wall sconces already burning in the afternoon light streaming in from the singular window behind his desk. His new desk. A desk made of the same oak as the flooring, but stained a tone darker. There were more drawers, sturdier locks. Kaz looked forward to this room almost as much as the sixth floor, there would actually be a place to conduct Dregs meetings and official business, not crammed in doorways and corners of a musty room around his desk. The table could seat six, crushed velvet chairs would be delivered tomorrow, from the same designer Kaz had chosen for the Crow Club, on recommendation from Wylan Van Eck himself.

 

            “Good. My boxes brought upstairs with Anika?” Kaz paused his careful organization of Club documents into his new filing drawer, complete with a lock only he might manage to pick.

 

            “Yes, Wraith directed us. She… uh, she actually asked me to deliver a message,” Pim paused as he ran a hand over the side of his face and cropped short beard nervously. His gray eyes avoided Kaz’s gaze, clearly, the man was unsure if he should be playing messenger. Inej was being petty, Kaz felt his lips quirk as he dipped his head to lay one more file into the drawer.

 

            “Spit it out, for fucks sake,” Kaz rasped.

 

            “She wanted to know when she can expect the report you promised. She didn’t elaborate further, those were her exact words, swear it.” Pim said earnestly as he adjusted the rolled up sleeves of his tunic in an anxious distraction. Now, Kaz turned his head toward the window, catching the glitter of the Harbor in the setting sun that had peaked out through the curtain of fog this afternoon. He smiled out of sight of Pim.

 

            Inej, the treasure of his heart. This report she was expecting was nothing like she thought. “Report,” he scoffed internally. Her word for his explanation overdue. He loved when she spoke formally. Took up her mantle as his most trusted colleague, confident enough to order Pim down here.

 

            “I’ll go deliver it. Good work organizing the moving and transports today,” Kaz said now. He felt Pim’s surprise in the air of the room, but Kaz refused to acknowledge it. Gratitude was something like loyalty, only wrapped in shiny gift paper. Kaz hated that.

 

            “Right, of course, Boss. Also… uh, it’s not really customary or what not, but… thank you. I’ve never had a place of my own… a key of my own.” Pim mumbled, awkward notes bumbling along his tone. Most of the Dregs knew better than to ever thank Dirtyhands, but clearly, this meant enough to Pim to break the unspoken rule.

 

            Kaz turned his head to find Pim looking at his palm, looking at a key to his own apartment on the floor above them. Kaz didn’t know what to do with the gratitude, but he found himself offering a perfunctory nod, a dismissal and an acknowledgement. He would not snap, Kaz understood Pim in this moment. Kaz had never had more than the attic, never had a kitchen of his own, never had more furniture than was absolutely necessary. It was luxurious, for all of them. The Dregs were rising from the bottom of the Barrel.

 

            Kaz took a deep breath, he knew Inej was waiting upstairs. His future was three floors above him, and as Kaz stood and straightened his tie, tried his best to flatten the hair he’d run his hands through a thousand times since this morning, he felt the water dripping off of him.

 

            Kaz Rietveld gently took the reins, tilting his head to Brekker and Dirtyhands with a mutter of “I’ve got this, gents.”

 

            Water sloshed his ankles as Kaz stepped into the lift cage, stepped onto gloriously dry land. It had been ten years since Kaz had crawled out of the harbor, ten years of rage and violence and grief he’d only ever held on his own shoulders.

 

            Kaz had convinced himself with every measure of certainty that solitude would bring him the only peace he could ever hope for, with his gloves on, his head turned, fully clothed and never to brush the lips of life. The lips of her.

 

            How wrong you were, Kaz Brekker. How wrong you were. Somewhere in the Barrel of Ketterdam, in between bricks and crooked chimneys, Kaz Rietveld now stood a man instead of a drowned boy.

 

            Kaz Rietveld took to the sixth-floor of a building named after the wire on which his avri danced, with his every piece of heart stitched onto his sleeves and a bad knee on which he was prepared to kneel.

 

            Kaz Elias Rietveld had not died with his brother. He’d lived long enough to cherish the crash of the tide against the shore, to whisper sweet nothings to the Sea, coercing her to bring the ship carrying the treasure of his heart home.

 

            Forever was on the Horizon, and Kaz would sail there with a Captain by his side.

 

 

INEJ

 

            The sun was streaming in through the wide open windows of the sixth-floor apartment in which Inej Ghafa would call her new residence of permanence. The air blew in the refreshing salt aroma of the Sea, filling the space in fresh air high above the streets of the Barrel. Inej relished in it. The crows cawed on the ledge of the living room window as Inej scattered fresh bought bread crumbs, she had no idea how Kaz had gotten her murder here, but they kept her company as she eyed the fifteen boxes to unpack and ignored the fifty thoughts swirling in her mind.

 

            Kaz had not come to her, today. She knew he would, but she was feeling impatient. Frustrated. He’d said the night prior that he’d not kept her from his schemes in pity, but her own mind was beginning to turn on her once more. Had she truly left a vital piece of herself in that noose? Had she lost the shine of her confidence in rough rope? Breathed the last of her self-assurance in the corrupted air?

 

            Jesper, Wylan, Nina. None of them had sought her out, either. None of them had been here to help with the moving, and Inej did not know what to make of it. Was she glad they’d stayed away? Given her time to let cooler minds prevail? Was she disappointed, that her best friends in the entire world, her chosen tribe, had not been here? Had not wanted to see her new home?

 

            Something within Inej cringed as she dusted her hands of stray crumbs, letting the sunlight bathe her in something purer than the feelings within. Something told her that Kaz had asked them to stay away, and with that, Inej was even more weary. She’d barely seen him since this morning at the Slat, he’d been too busy giving new orders, organizing troops of thugs around his city in an organized blockade against their enemies. She did not blame Kaz for that, he was a leader, just as she was on the Sea. He needed to keep the Dregs organized and in line even on a moving day; especially on a moving day.

 

            She just didn’t understand the secrets. She’d thought he would return to the Attic this morning and lay it all out on the table, offer her his thoughts, tell her his plans for the jewels, and then, they would move on. It hadn’t gone that way. Kaz had actively avoided her, and Inej was sitting alone in this apartment, waiting for answers, when they should have been preparing to unpack all of their things together, for the first time. Inej had even retrieved the last of the items she’d left in her room at the Van Eck mansion. Granted, the only souls to greet her had been the maid, Elena, and Trassel. Not even Khalid and Rahul had been in the house when Inej had gone over to the estate, after dropping her emblem here. She’d gone in between when Kaz was still at the Slat and before Anika and Pim had arrived with the majority of their boxes on the sixth-floor. She’d thought she’d at least see Khalid and Rahul, maybe even tell them all about the High-Wire, invite them here, maybe. She’d been welcomed into an empty house, instead.

 

            Inej had to have faith. Kaz had given her his word, and she could not doubt him now. He’d not have given her a promise if he did not intend to follow through, that much Inej knew, deep in the marrow of her bones. Everything would make sense, it had to. Kaz would give her a good reason for his lies, and even if Inej would disagree with his deceit, perhaps she’d come to understand his thought process. She normally did. They were similar that way, she and Kaz. Thought similarly, even if she tended to be guided with more than double the morals.

 

            Saints, grant me patience. See me into stillness.

           

Inej carded her hands through her hair, slipped the leather strip from her wrist and re-braided her dark tresses on the side of her head. She looked onto their boxes and stood with a sigh from the windowsill. They would need to add furniture, and neither of them had too many worldly possessions, but it was all here. All of their life save for a ship. Inej adjusted her rolled up sleeves and waltzed through the maze of boxes, adding to a mental list of things they’d need to purchase, now that they had a kitchen of their own and no dishware whatsoever.

 

Just then, the door opened. Inej had knelt to one of her own boxes of clothing, prepared to begin the task of refolding the things that had bounced around on the cart in the move. When Inej looked up, she found Kaz holding a hammer in one gloved hand as he gently shut their door. His hair was mussed, as if he’d just run his fingers through it. His tie was perfectly straight, every inch of his body sharp lines that only Inej knew felt soft against her as she slept.

 

Her heart betrayed her in a skip. She was frustrated with him, but she did not want their first moments of permanence in this beautiful place to be tainted.

 

“Good of you to join me, I was just considering offering Kaz Pecker one of your jackets to nest on,” Inej quipped and she heard him snort in amusement, her eyes flicked up to him as he looked out toward the open windows.

 

“I see you’ve discovered that your beloved gang will be following us to our new home,” Kaz rasped as he shrugged out of his blazer, tossing it over the kitchen counter, his gloves followed suit as well as the hammer he’d been holding. He was wearing that vest, the black one that carved his lines into something even sharper without a jacket. His shirt was crisp and white against the covering of his vest, his tie perfectly straight. Inej groaned internally as she ripped her eyes away.

 

Damn him. It should need to be a rule; he could not be allowed to wear that vest when she was anything but perfectly happy with him. No, even better, he could only wear it when she could make plans to remove it. That was a good plan, Inej thought.

 

“How did you get them here?” Inej couldn’t help but smile as she looked over her shoulder to several of the birds cawing over left over crumbs on the sill.

 

“A magician never tells.” Kaz mumbled and Inej’s smile grew wider despite her promise to herself to remain angry. She watched the birds a moment longer before she turned her head back, only to find Kaz was looking at her. Looking at her with a quirk of his head, his lips in a line of concentration. It was the look he wore when he was picking a lock, listening for the click of the tumblers.

 

Inej scoffed as she stood from the ground, his eyes followed her but then he turned away, plucked up the hammer in his now bare hands. Inej quirked her head as she watched him move past her, toward their bedroom.

 

Fear whispered against her ear. Fear warned her, it was in the air. Something was about to happen.

           

            Inej followed him, only a hairsbreadth away from begging him to speak, to give her something to work with. Instead, he was unwrapping the canvas of her emblem from the sheet that had protected it.

 

            “Above the bed?” Kaz asked, a nail was held between his teeth, from where he’d produced it, Inej had no idea. Her lips slipped into a smile at the sight, she’d never seen Kaz do something like this. Something so simple, like hang a piece of art on the wall. Something domestic, normal. All parts Lij and Rietveld.

 

            Inej nodded, she heard the crows still cawing on the ledge, the wind picked up and lifted the curtains on either side of the window in their bedroom. Inej had opened every window in the apartment for the Spring air to find her.

 

            Kaz hefted himself up onto the bed and balanced somewhat awkwardly on his bad leg as he shifted the canvas out from under his arm. The sun was shining down through the skylight above, bathing Kaz’s pale skin in afternoon gold. Inej could pick out the strands of azure in his dark hair, she knew if he turned to face her, his eyes would look like too strong tea with honey. The sun always showed the truth.

 

Kaz was like that, bitter and brewed strong, honey hidden under the surface.

 

            “What, Wraith?” Kaz turned his head as he began to line the canvas up on the wall, he must have felt her eyes.

 

            “I don’t want to be mad at you anymore,” Inej sighed as she watched him. Inej laughed when he sent her a grin, the nail back between his teeth as he leaned heavily on his good leg.

 

            “You know; I could have done this.” Inej eyed his knee and she heard him huff, forever stubborn.

 

            “I know damn well you could have, darling. But I wanted to.” Kaz muttered as he set the canvas to the mattress, he began to hammer the nail into the wall in the center.

 

Inej ignored the little flutter in her stomach, this is what Kaz looked like when he shed the shell of Ketterdam and exposed the veins of Lij.

 

Inej couldn’t tell what it was, but there was something off in his movements. Something jittery. Had he drunk too much coffee?

 

            Inej leaned against the door frame, her eyes chasing the curtains that swayed in the breeze as Kaz hung the canvas on the wall. A moment later, he stepped off the mattress and backed away to admire his work.

 

            Inej could not stop her chuckles as she looked up to the wall, the canvas was completely askew. Kaz frowned and Inej saw him flex his hands, but his lips began to slant into a smile as she laughed.

 

            “I’m going to give it a go, and you can help tell me if it’s straight this time, shall we?” Inej extended her hand with fluttering fingers and Kaz rolled his eyes but placed the hammer in her grasp.

 

            Inej laughed but Kaz only nodded. She paused.

 

            “Are you alright?” Inej asked, Kaz blinked and she noticed a swallow in his throat. It was as if something broke in his eyes, some sort of trance. His eyes cleared as he shook his head in the barest of movement, shaking some thought away. Strange, Inej thought. He grinned.

 

            “Let’s see if you’re tall enough to hang it, mera nadra.” He quipped and Inej only rolled her eyes as she stood on the bed, observing the crooked canvas.

 

            “I wouldn’t have to be tall enough if someone had put the nail in the proper spot the first time.” She heard a rasp of a chuckle behind her.

 

Gently, she lifted the canvas from the wall, setting it back to lean against the head board on the bed below her. Her eyes looked up to the nail in the wall, dead center. Kaz had hung the canvas crooked on purpose, the nail was in the right spot.

 

Every single drop of her blood slowed as the sunshine cast glittering spots about the room, originating from the ring hanging from the nail. A ring of gold, with a single gem in an ornate setting. Inej couldn’t breathe. Her hands were still frozen in the air where she’d poised them to remove the nail.

 

A ring. A ring. A ring on a nail in the wall of the High-Wire. Her eyes were lying to her, had to be.

 

The room was spotlighted in sunshine, the audience the flecks of light from the gem that Inej could not tell the color of. Some of the spots on the wall danced in crimson, some in jade.

 

“Kaz,” Her voice squeaked on a breathless whisper. It couldn’t be. No, this was not what she thought it was. Her mind was playing tricks on her. This was a scheme maybe, maybe it was Kaz’s answer as to what he’d been stealing. Inej didn’t understand, her mind was syrup made of rubies and imagination.

 

Her fingers reached for that ring on the nail, the whisper of a touch against the coolness of metal.

 

He didn’t answer her. Inej reached into the pit of her lungs for enough air to turn around.

 

            Inej turned around where she stood on the bed.

 

            Kaz Brekker, Self-made King of the Barrel, the deadliest man in Ketterdam, was on one knee in front of the bed she now stood upon. Kaz was on one knee, there was a ring on a nail. Kaz was on one knee, there was a ring on a nail. Her mind fell apart into scattered pieces, like the drops of beautiful hues on the walls.

 

            He was smiling, softly. He was shaking, even as he offered her his hand to help her to the ground. When had she started crying? When had she started smiling? What was going on? This could not be her life.

 

            “Kaz,” She whispered once more as she dropped from the bed, her hand still firmly in his. His bare hands. All at once, the image was jarring once more. His bare hand in hers, one knee pressed to the ground.

 

            “Inej, I think I owe you an explanation. Can I have a moment to do so?” He asked with a slight quaver in his always confident voice. Inej couldn’t help but nod, nod more than she needed to.

 

She was sniffling, her hair needed to be washed after a day of moving, but Kaz was looking at her like she’d stepped out of an art museum with a sign that said “steal me” strapped to her forehead. Her heart was beating in gunshots and her lungs were filled with breath she’d somehow stolen from the room of cosmic sunlight around her.

 

            “Inej Ghafa, treasure of my heart,” Kaz began, a smile on his lips. A piece of his hair had fallen onto his forehead and Inej resisted the urge to reach out and tuck it away. Fear whispered “told you so”.

 

            “You snuck up on me, again, Inej.” He whispered, his fingers tightened on hers. Inej couldn’t help the sound that escaped her throat, part sob, part laugh. His eyes latched onto hers, twinkling and freckled in gold.

 

            “Inej Ghafa,” he repeated, “You handed me bottled magic with a laugh, when I was sixteen years old. You challenged me, you fought with me and beside me, you forced me to look into a mirror and find something more, beneath these gloves. You were my friend, when I thought I needed none. You were my protector, more times than I can count. You survived more than any person should, and somehow, you kept your goodness. Your kindness. Your spirit and your faith,” He paused as tears ran down her cheeks in streaks. “You have given me a home in your love that I never deserved, but will never take for granted. I never thought I wanted more than to burn down the world that wronged me, but you crashed against me with more spirit than the True Sea and somehow, kept me dry. Safe. Convinced me that life was more than ashes.” Inej was choking on her own surprise, her happiness, her everything. Kaz’s eyes were glass and gold. He wasn’t done.

 

            “I want a life, with you, Inej. I want as many years as we can steal, and I want to make you laugh every single day, even when you want to kill me for one of the mistakes I’m sure I’ll make. There will be days where I pray to your Saints for patience with you, too. It won’t be easy, but I’d prefer to scheme our way into a life together,” He paused, his free hand reached up and brushed a tear from her cheek. Inej wouldn’t notice until later that he’d done it bare handed, seemingly without a thought. Touched her wet cheekbones, skin on skin.

 

            “Inej, En jeva min, a jani min, apka se hal?” Kaz whispered the words she’d never thought she’d hear, from anyone, let alone Kaz Brekker. Kaz Rietveld.

 

            In this life, and the next, may I have your hand?

 

            He’d asked her to marry him, in suli.

 

            “And for every life after that?” Inej whispered in answer.

 

            “I will find you, mera nadra. We are eternal.” Kaz was shaking, but his voice did not quiver.

 

            “Yes,” Inej sighed with a happiness so great that there was not room within her for even another breath. Finally, Finally.

 

            She hadn’t known she’d been waiting, but now, she stepped off the wire, without fear of the fall. Kaz would catch her. He always had.

 

KAZ

 

            He was on his feet as if his leg had borne no pain, and just as Inej prepared for his arms, he was stepping away, leaning to retrieve a ring off the wall. He turned back to her, his eyes felt glassy, his heart had surely detonated like a bomb, it’s beats pulsed in his ears.

 

            This was it. The moment, the moment he told her about. He’d stolen it from under the Universe’s nose, just like the gem on the ring he was slipping onto her left hand. It was unlike anything he had ever seen, twinkling on her finger, but not opposing in its presence.

 

It was small, yet noticeable.

 

            “It’s like you,” Kaz whispered, eyeing the new addition to her hand. Inej couldn’t stop moving her finger, testing the weight, the newness of a future in a band of gold. “It changes, depending on how you look at it. They call it alexandrite, very rare. Popular amongst the kings of Ravka an age ago.” Kaz said, he’d not dropped her hand, even as she wiggled her digits in a giddy movement.

 

The gem turned green like emerald in the sunlight, red in night, and in between, by the light of a candle, it was like an amethyst and a sapphire mixed together. Kaz had chosen the only gem he could find that embodied Inej Ghafa in every light he’d ever seen her in, nature’s own magic trick.

 

            “I’m not mad anymore,” Inej giggled when Kaz’s lips broke into a grin.

 

            “Didn’t think you would be, if you were, I think I might have to toss that shiny rock over to the birds. It would be a pity, I was wounded when I stole it, if you recall.”

 

            “Don’t you dare.” Inej laughed, tears still streaming. He couldn’t wait anymore.

 

His arms slipped around her waist, his lips met hers, and in that single tick of the smallest hand on the clock, Kaz Brekker was religious.

 

            The moon was shining, in the middle of an afternoon. Shining despite his dark attire. Unlike the moon in the sky, he was lucky. He could touch his sea. Now, the distance between them was a memory.

 

            From the street far below, performers began playing on the corner, hoping for kruge as the tourists passed by their open instrument cases. Kaz broke away from Inej’s lips when he recognized the melody.

 

“Even in the end, I’ll see you again.” Kaz whispered, Inej’s eyes fluttered as she squinted toward the window in the sun. His Da’s song, the one Mama loved. The one Jordie drew signed lyrics to, to send to Lilly before they’d left Lij.

 

Perhaps Inej was right, and no one truly left when they died. Perhaps, Bram Rietveld had looked upon his son after all, sending musicians to let him know. Perhaps it was all chaos and coincidence as Kaz had always believed. He didn’t care. He smiled, nothing was impossible. This very moment was proof enough, for Kaz.

 

Inej was smiling up at him, and Kaz offered his hand to her. She raised a brow but took his hand once more. He spun her and the smile on her face was worth it. Her laugh worth the wait of her spin.

 

That’s the laugh.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kaz Rietveld slow danced with his fiancé, in a room of dancing sunlight, the tune of his past in his ears, and the future in his eyes.

 

“I made it”, he thought as the sun began to set. They swayed, clasped together, until the room was dark.

 

 

Notes:

I don't normally do these end notes, but I have to for this one. Now that you're here (if you have not read, scroll back up PLEASE)

I just wanted to make a note about Kaz's proposal. Like him, I imagined grand things, big gestures and awe-stopping moments. But... somehow, I landed here, with him. It was like Kaz said "no" when I tried to type what i initially thought. It's because Kaz and Inej's love bloomed in the moments of quiet, in the heart of silence and small gestures. They couldn't touch for so long, they couldn't voice their feelings, held back by their demons for too long, that they had to rely on the other ways to convey their love. The things that go overlooked. I just hope... I hope their love, and their beginning, shined through here for you. Like it did for me. <3

One last thing. I dedicate this story to anyone who has ever lost someone; and to anyone who has ever lost themselves, and had to crawl out of dark water. You'll make it out, too.

Chapter 101: Finally, The Beginning

Summary:

The beginning of the future.

Notes:

Chapter 101!!

GUYS. SORRY I'M LATE. AGAIN. I SUCK, I KNOW. Forgive me? Anyways, I'll keep this short and sweet. This chapter is slightly shorter, only 3k words, but that's because it was combined with the next at about 6k, and I elected to split them in order to both get this up, and ease my editing mind a little bit so I can take my time. This one is a bit of a filler, but I promise, the next ones will be good. We're almost at the "season" finale! WHATS COMING UP GUYS I'VE WAITED SO LONG. SO LONG. I CANNOT TELL YOU. I just hope you're still as excited, after the engagement. <3

Thank you, as always. You guys are seriously the best and brighten every single one of my days, here on archive, on tumblr, on tiktok. I love you all and I just hope to keep writing something you want to read. <3

PLEASE lemme know what you think. I'm getting back to comments on the last chapter tomorrow, and I just want to say thank you for the insane out pour of love. It means everything to me, and I have read every single one. I just wanted to make sure to set aside some time to properly respond <3 I just wanna know you guys are still excited! <3333

"Accidentally In Love" cover by KiD RAiN. (It's just the vibe, ya'll.)

INEJ

 

            Kaz was lighting the wall sconces, she’d barely let him go. Her mind hadn’t wrapped around her reality, instead, her thoughts were swirled into the maze of moving boxes, strings of thoughts that all tied around her ring finger on her left hand.

 

            Kaz Brekker, her fiancé. Inej liked this new title, this new piece that had slid into their puzzle. This piece was the one near the center, not quite middle, but you were finally beginning to see the picture, after filling every corner, all the framework done. She had to write her parents, had to shout from the rooftops that she was here, she’d made it.

 

            “It’s not going to evaporate, mera nadra.” Kaz’s rock salt rasp shook Inej from her thoughts as she stared at the gem on her hand, twisting it on her finger, as if to engrave it into her very skin. They hadn’t spoken in the two hours since the sun had begun to set, instead, their silence had swayed with them. Covering them in a place all their own, shielding them from anything but this connection that had been planted in a pleasure house lobby, and bloomed in the sky above Ketterdam. It was like the vines growing against the brick of the High-Wire, always reaching upward, never ceasing to grow.

 

            “I thought you didn’t believe in marriage?” Was the thought that spewed from her mouth. His lips quirked, a ghost of that crooked thing that had been the first smile she’d ever seen of his.

 

            “I don’t believe in the institution, but I believe in the idea. Plus, there’s tax benefits.” He drawled, leaning back against the kitchen counter. Inej rolled her eyes and it earned her the laugh of Rietveld.

 

            “Shevrati,” Inej laughed softly, her eyes fell back to the band on her finger.

 

            “I believe in us. And I suppose I have come to believe in more than I once did.” Kaz said, his voice open and transparent. Inej hadn’t expected the admission, her eyes glanced up to see his own eyes on the ring on her finger. Narrowed in something like smugness. He had stolen the gem after all, she supposed.

 

            “The gold, where did you get it?” Inej asked, now that the room was lit up and no longer cast in moonlight. There were little dings in the gold, character. As if it had been worn before someone had added the stone in the center of the band.

 

Kaz swallowed once, busied his hands with the crows head of his cane that had been leaning against the wall.

 

“Nani. She gave me your grandfather’s band for my own hand as well… I hope you don’t mind the modification for the stone. I asked her, of course.” Kaz answered, a light bloom of pink appeared on his ears in the dim light.

 

Inej’s eyes darted between the man before her and the ring on her hand. Her mouth was surely agape, she didn’t care.

 

“Nani… you asked Nani? This… oh Saints,” Inej whispered as she looked at the ring in brand new lighting.

 

This was her grandmother’s gold wedding band, that she’d worn… that she’d been wearing up until the last night Inej saw her in Ravka, or so she thought. Nani… Nani had given Kaz her rings. Her own ring, and the ring of a grandfather that Inej had never had the chance to meet.

 

            Then it clicked, tumblers in her own mind.

 

            “You asked Nani… does… does that mean you asked my parents, Kaz?” Inej’s voice shook with an emotion so light it could fly, so heavy it kept her on the ground, in all the best ways. She flicked her eyes to her avri, as he stood only paces away from her. The lights played with his lines, harshening his shadows, softening his eyes.

 

            “Yes. I asked both of your parents. I asked Khalid, this morning. And Rahul. Not for permission, but for their blessing.” Kaz mumbled, his fingers squeezed his cane, but he looked her in the eye.

 

            How? How had Inej Ghafa ended up here, of all places, when she began in the Caravans, existed in hell, and then landed in the embrace of a home she’d never expected?

 

“Kaz,” She was close to tears for perhaps the twentieth time in two days. “You need to stop making me cry.” She laughed through a sniffle, another twist of the ring on her finger that now looked closer to a sapphire.

 

“I promise nothing, mera nadra.” He grinned a smug thing as he stepped forward, taking her shaking hand into his own. He lifted her knuckles to his lips, left a kiss just above her engagement ring.

 

 

 It was then, that Inej noticed the sides of the setting that the gem had been placed in. Waves of gold, little arches in the metal to hold the stone in place. Waves of the sea.

           

            Kaz saw her eyes widen as he turned her hand in his, examining the gold setting.

 

            “Jesper.” Inej mouthed, the barest noise escaped her lips. Kaz was smiling again, running a thumb over the waves of gold.

 

            “I was afraid he wouldn’t have enough time to get it right when I left the gem and ring with him last night, but turns out, he’s better with his abilities than he thinks.” Kaz said.

 

            “You made me think you were stealing things without me.” Inej murmured. Kaz’s dark brows lifted in amusement.

 

            “Yes, well. I warned you, darling. I’m a criminal. Unfortunately for you, now you’re stuck with me. I’m enamored and you’ve just agreed to marry me.” He quipped, feigning stern.

 

            “Is that the Ketterdam equivalent of “No take backs”?” Inej laughed as he nodded once, his lips trying their best to hide yet another smile. Inej decided then and there that she should very much like to leave the unpacking for the morning.

 

Maybe that bed in the room behind her had sheets somewhere. She could live without them, if it meant taking a grinning Kaz Rietveld to bed. They may not be a normal couple, able to celebrate how they might have without their broken pieces that were still healing, but there was plenty Inej could think of that they could now do, another miracle.

 

Inej stepped on her toes, left a kiss at the corner of his smile, his arms tucked around her waist. One of her hands was snaking to the buttons of that perfectly tailored vest. His hand stopped her, she must have let her pout show outwardly when he chuckled, a coarse sound that sent fluttering wings through her abdomen.

 

“I just realized I’ve made a critical mistake.” Kaz said, his eyes shining as he reached into his pocket for his time piece.

 

Inej wanted to roll her eyes, if she had to lock this man in this apartment, perhaps she was not above it. The Barrel could wait. The Barrel was not as important as the first page of their future.

 

“I saw that. It’s not what you think. Fuck.” Kaz dropped his arms from her suddenly, tucking the watch back into his pocket. He was already crossing the room and plucking his cane back up into his hand on the way.

 

“Kaz Brekker!” Inej called after him. He paused, throwing her a grin over his shoulder before opening the door to the apartment and stepping into their private hallway.

 

“Come on, you might be able to protect me. Better if you have your knives, mera nadra. We aren’t going far.” Kaz suggested, already disappearing from the open doorway, his footsteps clicking against the wood floor and fading down the hallway. Inej rolled her eyes before she followed him, leaving the door to their apartment unlocked.

 

He best not of meant it about my knives, or he’s going to have quite the surprise when I’m unarmed.

 

To her surprise, Kaz was going to the other end of the hallway, away from the lift entrance. Inej had thought he’d meant to go downstairs, to his office, perhaps.

 

“Kaz?” Inej questioned, catching up to him as he ran his hand over the painted wall at the dead end of the hall, appearing to be searching for something.

 

“Remember how I told you we have an escape stairwell in case the lift is out? This is where it is. Only accessible to my office or on the backside of the building. You need a key to get in from my office, the entrance is behind the Van Talé painting on the back wall near my desk. You also need a key to get in from the outside of the building, the brick door pushes out through vines, indistinguishable if you do not know it’s there. We only have it in case of fire or emergency. Obviously, to access the stairwell from this floor, you need no key. I would prefer it if we did, but it would be stupid to have no way out in case of fire obstructing the windows and lost keys. So, I settled for something hidden. The next best thing to a lock is a secret.” He paused, a smirk dotted his lips. “A secret that only we shall know about, and those who we might allow to know about it…aha!” A click sounded as Kaz indented a part of the wall with his thumb. Inej’s eyes widened as he motioned for her to step back. The wall swung out like a door, a door Inej never would have known was there. Inej peeked over his shoulder, just as shouts began.

 

“I have to pee, damn you Kaz Brekker!” Nina was bursting out from the doorway, nearly bowling over Inej where she stood. “You said two bells we’d have to wait! Not four! We couldn’t find the stupid latch downstairs and oh my saints I’m going to kill you as soon as I use the wash room!” Nina was red faced and brushing dark tresses out of her face with narrowed eyes.

 

“I’ve listened to these complaints for two extra hours, Kaz. You owe me.” Jesper was behind Nina, coming up the narrow stair case, only lit by a single sconce on the other side of the door, an eerie green light. Bone light, Inej recognized.

 

“And we have baby sat,” A gleeful voice that sent Inej home to Ravka came next from the dark. Khalid. Rahul.

 

“Oh, yeah. I did that, too.” Wylan’s voice echoed in the dark, Inej moved out of the way, they hadn’t noticed her yet as she stood on silent feet in the shadow of the wall, no, door.

 

“Yes, yes. You can all attempt to murder me, we all know how many have been successful at that.” Kaz drawled as he ushered an entire murder of people into the hallway.

 

“So, did you ask? What did she say? Where’s the bathroom?” Nina huffed, a canvas bag of sorts was thrown over her shoulder, she whistled. The last member of the party to escape the stairwell was white furred and panting, her tongue lolling out of her mouth as she padded up the remaining stairs. Miss Trassel of Fjerda.

 

“Oh! ‘Nej!” Wylan beamed as he noticed Inej peeking around the door. Inej couldn’t help her laugh, her giddiness at the impossibility of so many people, being invited by Kaz Brekker into their space.

 

“Saints, I’m so excited, but I meant it, Kaz! Bathroom!” Nina sent Inej a smile bursting to the brim with excitement as she bounced in her boots.

 

“For fucks sake, come on.” Kaz rolled his eyes as they began filing down the hallway, back toward the apartment door.

 

Khalid whistled low as he reached for Rahul’s hand, taking in the newness of the building they’d just entered. Both her cousin and her best friend paused to wait for her as the rest of them followed Kaz down the hall.

 

“You taught him,” Inej smiled softly, her eyes already glassy once more. Rahul grinned as he dropped Khalid’s hand and pulled Inej in for a hug.

 

“Khalid tried his best to teach Kaz the words, but I made sure the job got done.” Rahul whispered in suli, his breath warm through her hair. Inej only hugged tighter.

 

“I heard that.” Khalid mumbled, but both of his arms wrapped around herself and Rahul, a pile of suli affection in the hallway.

 

“I hate to break… whatever this is up, but I thought my fiancé might want to show the apartment, first.” Kaz’s voice carried to Inej in the middle of the group hug, her insides stuttered. Kaz called her his fiancé. It was new. It was gloriously new.

 

“Oh, I had her first, gadje.” Khalid turned over his shoulder. Inej laughed.

 

“What does that mean?” Kaz squinted as he leaned against the wall, ankles crossed as his hip supported him.

 

“You don’t want to know, mera chaar.” Inej let Rahul go, begrudgingly. Kaz huffed a silent breath as she passed him with a wink.

 

“Asshole.” Rahul mumbled as he passed Kaz, Inej choked on another laugh as she kept walking.

 

“What?” Kaz asked, clearly surprised.

 

“That’s what my husband called you.” Rahul clarified with a chuckle as he caught up to Inej. Inej only heard the squeak of Khalid as a cane collided with his shin.

 

“Traitor!” Khalid shouted after Rahul.

 

“You deserved it, my love.” Rahul shouted in return, his eyes caught Inej’s own as they smiled conspiratorially, opening the door to the apartment to reveal an already very much at home wolf and two merchers, one of red hair and one nearly tall enough to touch the ceiling if he jumped just a bit. Nina was missing, presumably in the bathroom. Inej could already imagine the shout Nina was going to give when she saw the bathtub Kaz had indeed spent more kruge on than he should have. Inej certainly had when she’d entered the bathroom off their bedroom for the first time this afternoon. It was nearly the size of the one that had been in her rooms at Wylan and Jesper’s.

 

Inej was loathe to admit it, being a pirate, but she was looking forward to the luxury in their home.

 

Inej narrowed her sights on Jesper, her brilliant and hilarious friend who towered like a tree. Zowa, and gifted. Her ring was from him, too.

 

“Jes!” Inej was already moving, the zemini barely had time to turn around to face her where he stood by the mantle of the fireplace. His arms wrapped around her just as hers wrapped around his middle.

 

“Thank you.” She whispered against his lime green button down shirt.

 

“All in a day’s work, Sankta Inej.” Jesper’s body thumped with laughter against her and Inej only smiled. She was no saint, and Jesper knew it.

 

“Take it you said yes to the bastard then?” Jesper false whispered, Kaz could most definitely hear as he and Khalid both limped in through the door.

 

“Yes.” Inej laughed as she pulled away, Jesper’s iron eyes squinted as he smiled that brilliant white grin.

 

“Too bad, I thought maybe there was hope for you yet, Inej.” Wylan added with a smirk. Kaz’s scoff could be heard from the ground floor, Inej was certain.

 

“And Thank you, for this!” Inej gestured to the still bare apartment around her, save for the moving boxes all strewn about. Kaz had told her Wylan’s hand in the design of the High-Wire. Wylan looped an arm through Inej’s own.

 

“We love you. Both of you, but never tell him that.” Wylan whispered as he jutted a thumb over a shoulder toward Kaz, who was now leaning against the counter and telling Khalid and Rahul of the restaurant downstairs. Inej smiled as she took in this strange new world, all of her people.

 

“So I take it you understand why we lied to you…” Jesper spoke up as he eyed the mantle, looking up from his lashes with a sheepish smile.

 

“Yes.” Inej tossed her braid over her shoulder and grinned right back at her friend.

 

“It is pretty, isn’t it?” Wylan said as he eyed Inej’s left hand that rested on his arm, her ring sparked in the light from the sconces on the walls.

 

“It’s perfect.” Inej whispered, her eyes latching with Kaz’s from across the room. He kept speaking to Khalid and Rahul, but she saw the words.

 

I love you.

 

            “Now that I’m back, I brought what you asked. Now feed me, Kaz Brekker or so help me I’m going to go downstairs, march outside, and come back with an army of corpses just to spite you.” Nina huffed in the doorway of the bedroom, grinning.

 

            “Oh, and congratulations, love birds.” Nina laughed as she charged for Inej, something about seeing the rock on her lips. Inej was already being swept into her embrace, and over Nina’s shoulder, she saw Kaz lifting vegetables out of Nina’s canvas bag, a frying pan. A knife.

 

            Kaz Rietveld, was cooking. For all of them. Jesper’s jaw hit the ground as he saw Kaz Brekker begin to peel a potato, not even a joke escaped his mouth. Rahul plucked one up beside Kaz, expertly peeling.

 

            Inej had no idea how the sky could be so dark, when so much sunlight was in this room.

 

            Finally, Inej thought, for the second time in a single day. Finally, the rest of them were meeting Kaz Rietveld.

Chapter 102: The Place Between Worlds

Summary:

Celebrations, of every kind.

Notes:

Chapter 102!!!

GUYS. HI! I'm here with an update only two days later, can you believe it? I did it! I'm not late! *bows* IT'S ALSO 7k words!! Anyways.... this one is special. It's not special like the engagement, but it was.. it was always what I wanted to write for them after this huge milestone. I just hope you love it, it was so much fun to write, but also so difficult in a technical sense. I poured a little bit of everything in and shook it up, so I hope you love it. It's my little dirty martini of a chapter, if you will. I just can't wait for you to read it.

As always, thank you. I meant it when I said I'd never stop thanking you all for being here. Thank you for sticking around, for showing your support in any way you can. I love you guys and I just feel so lucky to be able to share this story with all of you. <3

Drop me a comment with what you think! I'd really love to hear. I know i'm so behind on comments, but I just want you guys to know that I read every single one, and I will get caught up if it's the last damn thing I do. I appreciate every single character you guys type for me in the comment section, and for small time writers like me, we really thrive on getting to hear your thoughts. I just wanted you to know that. <3333

"Willow" by Taylor Swift (it's only the vibe, not the lyrics. I can't explain it. I even dedicated a little line in the story to the song, if you listen and read closely.) <33

INEJ

 

            “You didn’t even see what I brought!” Jesper chirped as he walked near the apartment door to a bag Inej hadn’t noticed before. She was seated on top of the counter, legs swaying as she watched Kaz and Rahul work. She’d shown the rest of them on a tour of the apartment, had smiled more in minutes than she had in a year within the walls of a pleasure house.

 

            Kaz had rolled up his shirt sleeves, left his gloves off. It was the most skin Inej had ever seen him expose in front of others out of choice, and not necessity. It was distracting, and so was the aroma of the stir fry of sorts that Kaz had sizzling in the fry pan on the range. They had an open flame range, at the High-Wire. It was marvelous, Inej thought. A tea kettle would heat so quickly.

 

“What did you bring?” Kaz indulged the sharp-shooter as he dropped a spritz of what Inej noticed was kvas into the sizzling pan, sending flames up near his face. She nearly jumped, but Kaz laid a hand on her knee as he turned away.

 

Never touch the wine with a hot surface, Inej. Notes for the future. Let Kaz navigate this part of life.

 

“Tell me it’s something delicious, I’m famished.” Nina sighed from where she sat on the ground with Trassel below the windows, Wylan was also sprawled on the ground, giving the wolf rubs on her belly. Matthias would be so disappointed in his companion’s ferocity in this moment, Inej laughed at her own thought inwardly.

 

“I brought this.” Jesper grinned as he set a large bottle of whiskey on the counter, right in front of Kaz’s cutting board. Rahul raised a brow as he diced a tomato beside Kaz. Khalid peeked over Jesper’s shoulder, nosy at the mention of bottled spirits.

 

“Vintage?” Kaz picked up the bottle, inspecting the label.

 

“Hey wasn’t that in the cellar at the house?” Wylan chuckled as he looked over his shoulder at a cheeky Jesper.

 

“Stolen Vintage? You shouldn’t have, Jes.” Kaz looked at Wylan as he spoke, a smirk of amusement on both his and Jesper’s faces.

 

“We’re getting drunk, Kaz.” Jesper grinned when Kaz shook his head.

 

“Drunk, you say?” Inej piped in, ignoring Kaz’s frown.

 

“Look at it this way, Kaz,” Jesper popped the top on the bottle and pulled paper cups out of the sack on the ground. He began to pour out generous doses. “You either get drunk with me, now, or… I’m planning you a stag night. Those are your options.” Jesper flicked his silver eyes up to Kaz.

 

Kaz reached for a cup and downed the entire contents quicker than Inej had ever seen. Khalid was beside himself in laughter as Kaz dropped the paper cup back to the counter.

 

“That’s what I thought.” Jesper grinned. Kaz rolled his eyes as Jesper refilled the empty cup before downing his own.

 

“You’re still going to plan that night, aren’t you?” Inej laughed.

 

“Obviously.” Jesper winked and Kaz shot daggers through him with his eyes, but Inej saw through it when he turned in her direction and dropped tomatoes into the pan on the stove beside her. His lips were quirked. He saw her looking and sighed, Inej could only smile, reach out a hand and brush back the piece of hair that had fallen to his forehead as he worked. Inej wanted that night for her avri, she knew Kaz had never expected one. Never would have thought he’d enter an engagement in the first place. They’d come so far, so far.

 

“Where’s mine?” Inej asked and Jesper began to divvy up drinks as Rahul and Kaz kept at it, making dinner.

 

            Inej couldn’t quite believe it, even as life was happening before her eyes. It had hit her in the chest like a punch, the weight of the improbability of this scene before her. She’d been an acrobat, she’d been stolen, she’d been brutalized over and over, and then… one night, in a dim lobby smelling of too much perfume and tobacco, a boy had passed her. A boy who gave her steel before he ever handed her geraniums. There had been another boy, one with umber skin and iron eyes, who made her laugh for the first time in over a year after she’d escaped the Menagerie. Then, a girl. A grisha who loved food and clothes more than anything else in the world, yet was a soldier at heart. Then, a flautist whose father had tossed him into the same dark water that Kaz had crawled out of. A fjerdan with eyes of ice and a heart of snow, who had kept the soldier girl warm for as long as he could. A cousin defiant of tradition, a friend with fire in his veins and the scars to prove it.

 

            Inej was loved, and Saints, she loved them all. She loved them all.

 

Inej held up her drink, tapping it against Kaz’s paper cup where he stood beside her, as the food cooked, and their friends began to talk of a million different lives that had somehow landed them all in this apartment, in this moment, together.

 

“What do we toast, mera chaar?” Inej asked in this moment of quiet.

 

“Hmm,” Kaz pondered, their cups still touching. “To pirates and criminals?”

 

Inej laughed softly, shaking her head. No, that wasn’t quite right, they were more than that, now.

 

“To the coin,” Inej whispered. Kaz’s brow raised.

 

“May we always wonder where it went, and may we never find it. I’d like to keep wondering with you, Kaz.” Inej finished. His eyes flashed, whiskey being added to the tea of his irises. His gaze was a pleasant burn on her face.

 

“To the magic of our sort of ordinary, Inej.” Kaz smiled, they downed their whiskey in easy drinks. Inej didn’t even flinch, the liquor tasted like longing.

 

Their life was not ordinary, but perhaps, they’d earned the extraordinarily ordinary moments, the ones that were indistinguishable from the next and the one prior. The moments that had softer edges, that stretched further than a single second should.

 

Maybe, they could pocket a few of those moments in that same slip of space between worlds where the coin disappeared to.

 

 

KAZ

 

            The food had helped. They’d all eaten the stir fry Kaz had remembered from his childhood that his father would make on plates borrowed from the Van Eck mansion. The food had helped, but Kaz’s mind was still gloriously blurred from alcohol. Jesper had not been joking, and he’d been fed… four? No, five drinks now. Drinks in between stories from Khalid about the troupes in Ravka, ones Inej added to or listened to, depending on if it was before she was stolen or after. Nina had told Khalid and Rahul the story of her clients in the White Rose, stories that even himself had never heard. One particularly funny one about an old man whose only desire was for Nina to slow his heart rate before he went home to his wife so she would not know he’d not given up his jurda habit for energy. Apparently, he’d been a favorite of Nina’s, due to the fact that he’d leave her tips in Ravkan chocolate from the shop he owned on the other side of the barrel.

 

            “I want something sweet now,” Nina laughed as she leaned back against the wall where they all sat on the ground in the furniture-lacking apartment. “Kaz, why didn’t you add something sweet to that shopping list you gave me?” Nina pouted and Inej was set off in a fit of giggles at his side.

 

            She was sweet enough for him, Kaz thought. Oh. Drunk. Definitely drunk.

           

“I thought you were still angry with me for snapping last night, so I left candy on your bed at the mansion.” Kaz admitted and Nina’s eyes widened before she began to laugh.

 

“I am mad at you, but candy will help. I’m just sorry I missed it. I would literally kiss you right now for some taffy or chocolate.” Nina chuckled.

 

“Please don’t.” Kaz huffed earning a bout of giggles from the rest of their strange party.

 

“Wouldn’t be the first time though, would it?” Nina pointed out, her drink sloshed in her cup, nearly spilling to her tunic as she gestured.

 

“Excuse me?” Inej straightened from his shoulder and Kaz groaned, he’d almost forgotten. Nina had given him mouth-to-mouth after he’d nearly drowned in Djel’s holy water.

 

“Yeah, excuse me?” Jesper choked and Khalid patted the zemini on the back as Wylan and Rahul watched on with wide eyes and lazy grins.

 

“It is not what you think.” Kaz threw his hands up in Inej’s direction. Nina was red faced as she continued to laugh, sputtering something about “now I’ve done it”.

 

“Nina, my beautiful, honest friend, I really don’t want to threaten you with a knife.” Inej smiled sweetly.

 

“I saved his life, he almost died in Fjerda.” Nina laughed, Khalid and Rahul both exchanged a glance of confusion.

 

“Hmmph.” Inej leaned back and Kaz’s eyes wandered to her mouth without his permission. “I suppose thank you, then. I cannot believe you never told me that.” Inej glared at both Nina and himself.

 

“Are you kidding? I can’t believe we missed that.” Wylan chuckled as he ran a hand over his red hair.

 

“Truly, Inej, I love you, but I’ve kissed better. I suppose his lips were chapped from the freezing water, but you know.” Nina reached an arm around Inej’s shoulders, pulling her close. Inej rolled her eyes.

 

“You don’t know what it’s like when he kisses back.” Inej mumbled and Kaz felt his cheeks warm as they all looked at him with laughter bubbling from their lips.

 

“I think we need to cut you off the liquor, mera nadra.” Kaz glared but his lips were already loosing a smile.

 

“No, we would need to cut me off if I started talking about your hands and just why I have personal insight into your title.” Inej chuckled and Nina shrieked, mouth agape.

 

Oh no. Inej, his wicked and particularly tempting fiancé.

 

“Ghezen, Inej. I thought you were pious!” Jesper howled and Kaz downed the rest of his whiskey.

 

“I cannot listen to this. My little cousin, my soon to be brother-in-law for all intents and purposes.” Rahul was chuckling and Khalid draped an arm over his husband in solidarity.

 

“I spent years picking locks and entering places undetected, what did you expect?” Kaz retorted to all of them as he smirked in Inej’s direction. Her mouth dropped before her own cheeks flushed, laughter pouring from those lips he couldn’t stop watching.

 

Kaz was suddenly very glad he’d issued the order to the Dregs that he was not to be disturbed tonight unless the sky had fallen onto the barrel. Anika had nodded solemnly, but he swore she’d smiled in the span of a blink.

 

Just then, a yip came from a wolf. Nina straightened immediately, searching for her companion. Kaz turned over his shoulder, through the bedroom door, a wolf had discovered their bed.

 

“On the bed, leave her.” Kaz said in Nina’s direction before she could stand.

 

“She’s not supposed to get on furniture unless invited.” Nina responded, but Kaz was already standing, cane in hand.

 

“She’s invited.” Kaz grinned as he walked through the bedroom door, easing himself beside Matthias’ fill-in where she laid panting on the bed.

 

“Oh, so he has a soft spot for dogs, that it? Wraiths and dogs. Got it.” Nina laughed from the other room. Kaz heard Wylan respond with a chuckle.

 

“I knew that, actually.”

 

Kaz remembered the night in Smeet’s house, the dogs. It was true, Kaz loved dogs. Had missed them since his childhood, since Timber. He couldn’t be bothered to care that they knew. Maybe it was growth, maybe liquor.

 

“Good girl,” Kaz crooned quietly as he held a hand out for the wolf to sniff. It took all of a moment for the beast to flip onto her back for belly scratches, fearsome thing that she was.

 

“Have I been replaced?” Inej said from the doorway, startling him from his work of bonding with yet another fjerdan.

 

“Not yet, but she’s certainly in the running.” Kaz quipped. He heard conversation still flowing from the living room.

 

“Ah, well I’m not giving back the ring, love.” Inej waltzed forward, her hair had escaped its braid, strands falling over her bare shoulders. She was flushed from the drink, red blooms stretching over her graceful collar bones.

 

She’d been wearing that damn top all day, and Kaz wondered how many kisses it would take to create a path from her ring finger to her throat.

 

He shouldn’t have had that last glass of whiskey, if he wasn’t careful, he was going to have to use his cane for support for more than one reason.

 

“We’ll have one, someday.” Inej said matter-of-factly, her hand stretching to rub Trassel’s ears.

 

“Have what?” Kaz asked.

 

“A dog. Someday, we’ll be home enough to have a dog.” Inej said softly, kneeling beside the bed, looking a lazy wolf in the eye.

 

It felt like a larger admission than Kaz could understand. It was a promise. A promise that their lives of danger were not forever. While their lives would never be without some level of threat, they had too many enemies to eradicate every single one, maybe one day their lives would be… safer. It was a promise to live.

 

His drunk mind liked the idea, refused to ask how they could ever achieve such a life.

 

“We’ll have a dog?” Kaz asked, he leaned forward, resting his chin on his hands that clutched the top of his cane between his knees.

 

“Obviously. You’ll have a dog, and I’ll have geraniums, planted ones that bloom every spring and summer.” Inej grinned more to herself than him as she continued to scratch Trassel’s ears.

 

“You’ve put a lot of thought into this.” Kaz said.

 

“I’ve had exactly six bells to plan our future, Kaz. Plenty of time.” Inej laughed softly.

 

“Yet when I’m planning a job, six hours is far too little?” He quipped.

 

“Yes, it’s only okay when I do it.” Inej bumped his knee with her shoulder.

 

For a moment, Kaz watched as everything went in reverse. He’d watched his life shatter on the docks by fifth harbor, watched Jordie’s unseeing eyes float away, stark and white against deep black water. Now, he watched the pieces of himself lift off the ground, stuttering and backwards in motion as they came back together, only cracks remained in evidence of the shattering devastation.

 

Kaz thought it might be nice to kick everyone out of their apartment. He’d done it, he’d been social.

 

“Are you scheming?” Inej asked, he shook his head of the thoughts that involved far less people and clothing.

 

“Only a bit.” His lips stretched into a smirk, Inej was already laughing.

 

“I’m scheming, too.” Inej said through a chuckle as she stood. She was as inebriated as himself, but her grace never left her even as sobriety waltzed away.

 

“Scheming for what?” Kaz called after Inej as she stepped back into the living room. She didn’t answer. Kaz paused to give one more pat to Trassel, just before a whistle sounded and the wolf leapt past him and bounded in Nina’s direction.

 

“We’re leaving, I’m too drunk for stairs, can we take the lift?” Nina was already beseeching Kaz as he stepped back into a room piled high with boxes and drunk persons.

 

“Fine.” Kaz rolled his eyes as Nina sighed dramatically in relief. It was late enough now that they’d all most likely walk out of the High-Wire without the Dregs being the wiser. They may pass Anika in the lobby, at most. Most of the gang members that had relocated to this building would be asleep or unpacking, or on shift for patrol or club duty.

 

 Kaz heard Inej bidding good night to Khalid and Rahul, promising a tour of the Wraith the following afternoon. Kaz gave Jesper confirmation of their postponed card night before mumbling something that was probably not a very polite goodnight. Something like “Leave”.

 

Kaz leaned against the door frame to the bedroom as Inej ushered their group into the hall and watched from the open door until Kaz could just barely hear the clank of the lift cage opening and closing.

 

It was a day of miracles, a night of magic. Kaz knew that tomorrow, he’d wear his gloves. Tomorrow, he’d shell out orders, maybe swing his cane. He’d tour Dime Lions territory, set Roeder to spy on the Merchant’s council to ensure they were not planning a retaliation against himself and Inej after the failed trial.

 

He’d be a monster in a suit, and a man in his heart.

 

******* WARNING! Spicy content ahead. Don’t worry! You can skip this and still understand the story! You’ve finished the chapter, here! *******

 

 

            He traced Inej’s form in the light haloing her from the hallway sconces. The delicate curve of her hips, the strength mirrored in the muscles of her legs. His eyes were greedy, desperate. Had he drunk too much? No, he was still standing.

 

He’d not been able to stop thinking of the night prior, Inej had touched him without barrier, for the first time. It had been terrifying, it had been salvation. Then, she’d agreed to marry him. Kaz Brekker would have a wife, and his wife would be the only woman in the world he was convinced he could have ever fallen in love with.

 

Whatever the universe had concocted him out of, he was magnetized to her. Her metal and his were tethered in an act of union eternal. He never had enough. Never enough of her.

 

He wanted to get drunk, all over again. Drunk off her laughter, then the noises she made in pleasure. All of her.

 

            “What are you staring at?” Inej turned with a smile as she shut the door, leaving them blissfully and contentedly, alone.

 

            “You. You are glorious, Inej.” He answered with only the burn of his throat and no consciousness of his honesty to be found.

 

            Her brow raised before it smoothed, the sconces still burned and her eyes danced over him as he leaned.

 

            “And you are either drunk, or you’ve locked Kaz Brekker away.” She smiled, crossed her arms over her chest and leaned back against the door. She was far away, far too far.

 

            “A little bit of both, bastard deserved a night off, don’t you think?”

 

            She clicked her tongue in a tsk, “Now you’re lying. I can tell. You’re scheming, again, Brekker.”

 

            “You caught me, darling. What shall it be then? You stay over there and let me stand here until I beg?” Kaz smirked, crossed one ankle over the other. He could play her game, for now.

 

            “I do have a soft spot for men begging.” Inej’s smile turned dark and sultry, like the taste of whiskey going down.

 

            “Mmm,” He pondered aloud, pulling his tie off in steady movements. He felt her eyes on each of his fingers, she followed the fabric to where he tossed it on top of a box. “What if I don’t feel like begging?” Kaz asked, leaned back once more.

 

            “Well, then we do have a problem don’t we?” Her voice was low, stirring the beginnings of warmth in his abdomen.

 

            “I’m an excellent problem solver.” Kaz pushed off the wall, took several steps forward. Her eyes watched his feet. He left his cane against the wall, his leg probably protested. He didn’t feel it through the haze of whiskey and the tunnel vision of his desire for her.

 

            “How fortunate,” She purred, her lips moved into that devious little smile, the one she wore when she succeeded. He stepped forward again, stopping just in front of her.

 

            “Seems I’m the one who solved the problem though, doesn’t it?” Her dark lashes fluttered as she looked up at him.

 

            “How is that?” Kaz asked, his voice foreign to his own ears. It burned, dragged, more than usual. A shiver danced over her shoulders, his eyes followed the movement as if he could see the very sparks of electricity in the air.

 

            “I didn’t move an inch, and yet here you are. You didn’t beg, but your actions say otherwise.” Inej breathed in a whisper, her eyes were on his mouth and he almost lost all of his resolve.

 

            “Devious thing.” Kaz rasped, her lips moved into a smile. His hand moved, he brushed his thumb over her cheekbone. She shivered again, or was that him? Her skin was smooth, warm. All the elements of fragility and steel. He wanted more. He needed more. He was drunk off her burn. She fanned the flames with those lashes, with her hand that came up to his side and smoothed over his ribcage through his vest. His hand moved lower, traced her jawline, swept down her throat, landed under her hair and cupped the nape of her neck. He tipped her chin up with his thumb. He felt her pulse as it beat beneath his palm.

 

            “Are you going to kiss me or not, fiancé?” Her breath danced over his chin, his throat. His whole body jolted with lightning and his eyes shut with the intensity. She said it. She said it, and he liked it. Loved it.

 

            Those scientists were wrong, Kaz thought. Lightning had struck him over and over again, always in the same spot. Right in his chest, always bursting from her palms.

 

            “I’m going to kiss you forever.” Kaz answered, eyes open. Her lips began to move into a smile, but never reached its apex. His mouth was on hers, softly, once, twice, three times. Then, her arms were wrapping around his neck, her back against the door as he deepened the kiss.

 

Tasting her was like the forbidden fruit in fairy tales, addiction from the first drop of golden nectar.

 

Before he knew it, he was being turned, his back hit the wood of the door and Inej was in front of him. He pulled away from her lips, only an inch.

 

“I didn’t mean to trap you,” He began as her eyes flickered open. His eyes searched for the shadow of dormant demons in her gaze. She shook her head.

 

“You didn’t, I just thought that I would very much like to see you pressed against a door,” She grinned and bent her head to his neck.

 

He was nothing but a tree, branches bending to her wind and will as he leaned his head back against the door, exposing his neck to her fully.

 

“Inej,” He groaned as her lips traced that spot beneath his ear. Starbursts of pleasure danced in his vision.

 

“Yes?” She whispered against his skin.

 

“I’m going to pick you up, and then you’re going to tell me whether or not you’d prefer me to remove every stitch of your clothing or do so yourself. If not, please make my death swift, mera nadra.” He whispered through grit teeth, his hands traced over her hips as she pressed into him. He felt a laugh against his neck as his hands slid over the shape of her backside, squeezing.

 

She stepped onto her toes, her breath was hot and sinful against the shell of his ear:

 

“You can do that yourself.”

 

She was off her feet in the next moment, her legs wrapped expertly around him as he walked toward their room, her lips on his were greedy and determined. He narrowly missed a pile of boxes, his leg might have been shouting. He didn’t care, he wanted this. This magic, this normalcy.

 

He relished in her laughter when he kicked bedroom door out of the way.

 

Whiskey wished it had the effect of her laughter. Kvas would moan in resentment. Bourbon was beside himself with jealousy. Champagne was little effervescent bubbles of envy.

 

He set her to the bed, still bare of sheets. He gulped in air, resentful of the interruption of oxygen.

 

“Blanket, left box.” Inej breathed. He nearly groaned but he complied and left her on the bed, flipping open the nearest box on the ground to his left. He yanked the fabric out and once more, her laughter filled the room as she stood and grasped one end of the blanket.

 

Together they flipped the blanket over the mattress, a parachute. In that brief second where air filled the fabric, they stared at each other from across the bed, their bed. They both had bruised lips, mussed hair, whiskey on their breath and smiles on their faces.

 

“Are you going to make good on your promises, Brekker?” She smiled. His very toes curled, he didn’t know he could move so fast.

 

Her shirt was gone; his mouth was back on hers. His shoes were somewhere on the ground, his vest landed on the window sill. He knew, she would not remove the rest of his clothes. He was not stopping; she’d given him permission.

 

“Bed.” He whispered.

 

“A command?” She asked, a smile against the skin of his cheek.

 

“Never.” He paused, dropped his lips to her bare shoulder. “Please, my darling Inej, get on the fucking bed.”

 

            She laughed as she moved away from him, sat on the edge of the bed and scooted back. Her eyes were vibrant and deep, her giggle was true and so free. He wanted and wanted and ached and ached.

 

            “What are you doing?” She questioned as he stared. His heart was hammering, his lungs were filled with home, with her scent. Sea salt and pine trees, sweat of their kisses. He stuttered, from the drink of life he’d somehow downed.

 

            “I fell in love with you because all you’ve ever done was touch me, without your hands.” He didn’t know where it came from, an admission, a truth and a piece of armor laid down. Her eyes softened and simmered.

 

            “Now we can do both, Kaz.” She whispered. His cheek deepened with a dimple. He climbed onto the bed beside her, lips searching hers in the slip of light brimming from the living room door.

 

            Her lips scorched, his hands trailed down her chest, around her back as she maneuvered to face him. Her chest bindings landed by the fireplace.

 

            “You best remember where you toss all my clothes, mera chaar.” She moaned as his fingers began to trace the swell of her breasts, the toned plane of her stomach above her leggings. He felt himself fall, again. Fall into her lips and her hips and her touch. The water was only found in the raindrops that fell against the sky light above them.

 

            They fell, into a place from which they’d never leave. They could not make love, but it was all they ever did. An intimacy that began with a simple promise not to mourn, and ended with a future never to be severed from the strings of one another.

 

Her moan as his lips dipped over her exposed chest put every other sound to a dim shame. No chapel bell or jangle of coins could ever shake him the way that noise did. His mind was liquid, his body steel. He wanted to taste her, savor her. He watched as she arched into his hands on her sides, watched as her eyes shut when his mouth closed over the hardened peak of her breast.

 

His thumbs slipped into the waistband of her leggings, and her under things. Her eyes opened, hooded and lustful as he moved between her legs, began to slide the fabric down over her thighs to reveal her to him. She nodded when he paused, only once. It was enough.

 

He slipped the fabric over her ankles, her legs lifted to aid him. She was perfect, glorious, stunning and a thousand other words that didn’t do any of her justice. He felt strong, he felt brave and drunk, something that could… something that could allow him to be successful. If she wanted, if she wanted him to try. Maybe the haze of alcohol would help her, too.  

 

He moved back to her side, met her lips in a kiss, ignored the ache of his body. He moved slowly away from her mouth, listened to each gasp, watched each arch of her body. He resisted the urge to trail a hand between her thighs, discover her arousal with his fingers. He needed to be patient, like pick pocketing but with consent. He needed to move slowly for both of them. His hands tracked over her chest, her sides, her abdomen. He left teasing touches over her entire upper-half, left kisses to her shoulder, her neck, her lips.

 

“Kaz,” She pleaded as his fingers dipped to her thigh. She squirmed beside him, her eyes opened in a slight glare of frustration. Now, he thought.

 

He pulled away from her, moved to kneel somewhat awkwardly between her legs which she spread for him. He diverted his eyes from her center, despite the anger of his arousal. Desire was coiling in his veins, lashing out with throbs.

 

Inej’s eyes watched him, a little noise of protest escaped her when he was no longer touching her. He leaned over her, slowly, letting her know he would be above her. He saw a slight tense in her shoulders as he hovered above her, he began to retreat but her eyes grew gentle.

 

“I’m okay, it’s just… the anticipation, sometimes. I work myself up.” She mumbled, a new flush dotted her cheeks. Kaz nodded, kissed those spots of red. He understood, he did the same, sometimes. Expected the water, tensed even if it did not arrive. She knew it, too.

 

His lips began to trail, a peck to her forehead, her cheeks, her chin, her nose. He lingered on her lips, let her taste him, let her deepen that kiss until her tongue was brushing his in a sinful dance. He pulled away, let himself ease back on his knees. His mouth shadowed the blush on her brown skin, between her breasts, over her ribs. He kept his eyes open, watched and tested each kiss. She shuddered when he kissed here, gasped there. His hand smoothed down her side, over the jut of her hip bone, down her thigh. He eased down once more, left a kiss just below her navel. Her eyes opened, watched him watching her. Her breath was ragged, her chest rose and fell in quakes. It took every ounce of his will to keep his plan in mind.

 

He wanted to try. He wanted to try this, he’d dreamed of this. He’d craved this more and more with every success they’d had. He’d kissed her everywhere else, he wanted to kiss her in this way.

 

 His mind blurred and ebbed in passion and desire, and he thought he could do it.

 

“Inej?” He asked, their gazes locked. He didn’t move his mouth from her, left the letters of her name branded into her skin with his lips.

 

“Yes?” She whispered with a shaky voice, eyes both nervous and heated.

 

“I want to taste you.”

 

He didn’t dance around the declaration. That didn’t work for them, they needed that communication verbally in these moments. Kaz had no idea if this… if what he wanted, if that had been done to her in the Menagerie. If men had forced their mouths between her legs, too. He would never push her. He could wait ten years, a hundred, for her.

 

Her legs around him shivered, he felt it through the fabric of his pants. Her eyes turned nervous once more, he waited.

 

“I… that… I don’t know how it will feel. They… that didn’t happen. It would have brought them no pleasure… they didn’t bother with my body outside their own means. I never even knew about that, not until I heard other girls talking. I’m… afraid.” She whispered so quietly that Kaz lifted his head to hear her. He knew what the admission cost her own pride. He kept his eyes on hers, reached in the dark on the side of her body until he found her fingers dug into the blanket. She loosed the fabric to entwine their fingers.

 

“I’ve never been here either, Inej. Never wanted to be here, until you. I want you, Ghezen, I want you. I want more than either of us can accomplish right now. I’m terrified, but you… you’re here, and I’m here, and I was terrified to hold your hand. To hug you. To kiss you. To touch you, to be touched. But if I didn’t… if I didn’t take that plunge, pun intended by the way, we wouldn’t be here.” He shed a smile as she began to chuckle, squeezed his hand.

 

“I suppose if your mouth can say such kind things, it can probably do more.” She bit on her lip.

 

“If you aren’t ready, we wait. Inej, we both know we’ll have another bad day. You taught me that. You made me see that. We can wait for another good one, too.” Kaz uttered, he did not drop her gaze.

 

“Kaz, try.” She breathed. Her hair was fanned out over the dull green blanket, a dark halo for a bright light. He leaned back down against the soft skin of her stomach.

 

“I love you,” He sighed into her. Her hand left his, slipped back into the blanket as he traced his mouth over her thighs, slid down onto the bed. He shifted his legs out from under him, maneuvered until his knee was comfortable. He wanted this, he wanted this so much more than he’d even realized. The view from between her legs was unlike anything he’d ever seen; her lips parted in a gasp that drug like a moan. The gentle ridge of her breasts, the expanse of her skin on her abdomen. The freckle on her hip bone, the softness of her thighs against him. He kissed, licked, sucked on that soft skin on her inner thighs. She was gasping again, trembling under each touch.

 

He finally let his eyes roam to her center, gently lifted her legs to open her fully to him, slid his arms under her thighs, letting his hands rest gently on her hip bones. She was perfect, all the way down. He’d seen her, touched her, never been here. He savored this newness.

 

He lifted his eyes when she moaned a plead. His head leaned forward, sucked gently at that bundle of nerves at the apex of her. Then, he licked his lips.

 

Addicted from the first taste.

 

 She was sweet, not too sweet. Exactly how Kaz liked all of his vices. Whiskey, licorice. His girl.

 

The groan slipped from his mouth, primal and desperate. His length throbbed against the mattress, aching for friction. This could do him in, he was certain. He’d never known how badly he needed this. Needed her taste on his lips.

 

His mouth began to explore her, feasting and delicate. Her hips bucked at the first movement of his tongue against her most sensitive spot. Her fingers were gripping the blanket, he gently kept her still as she thrashed against his mouth. He felt no water, her legs stayed parted for him. His mouth was free, he was free and tasting and experiencing and so happy. So proud. So much, so much.

 

“Stay still for me, sweetheart.” He said against her center, his tongue slid over her heat as she nearly shouted his name. Then, her hands were in his hair, gripping yet gentle.

 

“I like that,” He whispered before he nudged her open further, slid his mouth lower. Her hands tightened when his tongue prodded her entrance. He was inside her, in a new way.

 

“Kaz, Saints, Kaz!” Her hips bucked against his hands again. Her taste was all he remembered. “Don’t stop,” She panted as he moved his mouth back to her clit. His own hips ground into the mattress, desperate to relieve the pressure that was building in his abdomen.

 

He couldn’t explain the way her legs on his shoulders felt, the way she tasted. He was actively trying not to lose his hold on his own body. She was taking him down with every breathless noise from her lips.

 

“Never intended to, fiancé,” he mumbled against her core, her legs began to shake.

 

“Say that again,” She whispered in more of a moan than a voice.

 

“Fiancé,” He complied before his tongue swirled against her again. She began to curse, her legs continued to shake. His hips rolled forward again, desperate as she moaned his name again. He kept tasting, exploring, until her muscles tightened in her legs on his shoulders

 

“Kaz, I can’t hold on.” Inej panted again, eyes shut and a sheen of sweat covered the dips and curves of her body. He pressed his tongue against her at a new pressure, savored the wetness his mouth was buried in. He couldn’t stop tasting her, wanting her.

 

His own hips kept shifting against the bed, he was hard near the point of pain. He was not going to make it out of this without release, the pressure kept building in the base of his spine. Her moans were like tugs on him, urging him on. Her fingers pulled lightly on his hair, he eased the pressure against her clit.

 

His tongue slid down her opening once more before he refocused. It was all it took. For both of them.

 

Her legs trembled, his name was a whimper, shattered and sated. He drank her, all of her, until her fingers began to loosen in his hair. He was infinite, groaning against her as his own release tumbled down his spine, his cock. His shoulders tightened as his toes curled.

 

Finally, he pulled away from her, her release like sugar on his lips as his tongue darted out. Inej was panting and her eyes were still closed. He collapsed on the bed beside her, putting off changing his own clothes.

 

“You’re telling me, we could have been doing that this entire time, if we were normal?” Inej laughed beside him, winded. He couldn’t help but grin at the skylight above them, where rain drops trailed and a cloud filled sky greeted them.

 

“I’m addicted.” Kaz answered and he felt a light smack to his shoulder followed by another giggle.

 

“I feel like I should be returning the favor in some way.” Inej panted, his eyes peeked at her chest. He was still just a man, helplessly in love.

 

“No need.” He admitted, eyes on the ceiling. He felt embarrassment course through him, but this was Inej. Inej, his future wife. His partner. His friend. His lover. His, not in ownership, but in match.

 

“That did it for you?” Inej asked, he turned his eyes and regretted it when he saw the smirk on her face. He rolled his eyes back to the skylight. He didn’t answer but he felt her silent laughter in the shake of the bed.

 

“Saints, Kaz. Feel free to do that anytime, then.” Inej breathed, he felt the shift of the mattress and then her lips were on his cheek.

 

Oh. That’s not what he expected.

 

            “Don’t tempt me, mera nadra. You’ll never wear clothes again.”

 

            “I think I might be okay with that outcome.”

 

            “Then why don’t you let me shower if I can find soap, and stay naked until I come back. I’m sure I can make you curse again.”

 

            “I might start cursing if you don’t stop making fun of me.” She mumbled and he could only chuckle, lean over to her.

 

            “Inej, I’m not teasing. It was a promise.” He laid a kiss to her temple.

 

            “Mmm, well then get going. I’d hate to have to threaten you to keep your word.” She mumbled, a sly little grin on her lips.

 

            “So violent,” He crooned, she leaned up and left a lingering kiss to the corner of his mouth. He thought he might just forego the shower, he would only end up sweating again.

 

            “Go.” She shoved him in the chest with a chuckle.

 

            As Kaz stepped into their bathroom, he turned over his shoulder once. Inej was naked, staring at the sky through the skylight.

 

            Kaz didn’t know what life had been, before he’d held her hand. But somehow, she’d led him away from a path he no longer craved. He was still a criminal, had a mind for revenge, an enemies list longer than his cane, but now, he had a list to rival that of his scores to settle. A list of people he loved, and her name? Her name was going to be linked to his own, soon. A wife, a lifetime.

 

            “I thought I told you to go,” Inej called with a smile, her head turning against the bed.

 

            “Yes dear.” Kaz quipped, a habit he’d seen Kahir Ghafa use. He tried it out. It earned him a wadded up ball of her socks being thrown square at his chest.

 

            “Don’t you dare, not until you’ve said your vows.” She laughed and shot him daggers with her eyes in the dark.

 

            He was going to be drunk off her for the rest of his life. He couldn’t think of a better way to live.

 

Notes:

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Chapter 103: Luck Left

Summary:

A little bit of everything.

Notes:

Chapter 103!!!

AHHHH I'm late. Surprise. I know. BUT I combined two chapters to make this one, so the editing took me extra time. I am sorry though, guys. I love you all and thank you eternally for being patient with me <3 ANYWAYS, this is the penultimate chapter of this season!!! One more to go!!!! I CANNOT WAIT FOR NEXT SEASON. I just hope you guys love it, I hope it surprises you. I can't wait. I really can't.

A little note, The spicy part is broken down the best I can. There is a little bit of mentions as to what occurred though, after the smut warning ends. I'm sorry guys, I really really really hope it is still okay. I tried to break it up how it felt natural as a reader, thats all. I love you.

Thank you, as always. Thank you. That's it. Just a million times over. <3

PLEASE PLEASE let me know what you think!!!! AHHHHH. AHHHH. AHHHHH. <333333

"Power Over Me" by Dermot Kennedy. (Specifically, the first half. It just... I love this song. I know it's a popular one, but I just love it. It fits. I dunno. <333)

INEJ

 

********** WARNING! SPICY CONTENT AHEAD! Don’t worry! You can skip this and still read the non-spicy content after the cut! You’ll still understand the story! **********

 

            The room was dim when Inej opened her eyes, only a slip of light was escaping the bracket of the curtains, the skylight. For a moment, Inej’s senses were groggy, confused. A new room, not the attic. It took only a moment for the surroundings of their new bedroom in the High-Wire to register.

 

            Home. Moving boxes. Kaz?

           

Inej rolled blindly in the dim light, reaching an arm behind her. She found no warmth, no Kaz. The discovery caused her to sit up, only then realizing that she’d slept on top of the only blanket, no pillow, and completely bare. Kaz had draped a towel over her sometime in the night, though she’d been plenty warm. She remembered falling asleep with his body curled around her back, an octopus of a Kerch man that she loved.

 

Crows cawed outside the window, Inej could hear the chime of the clock tower. Eight bells, still early. Inej smiled, remembering. Remembering exactly how the day before had gone. She moved her thumb on her left hand, feeling the metal of her engagement ring. She was engaged, to Kaz Brekker. Not only that, last night… they’d celebrated. With friends, family. Then… then Kaz had surprised her further. Her body reacted in goosebumps at the memory of his mouth on her, of the way his hands had traced her skin as if she were a goddess. The heat he’d branded her with was still simmering, even now.

 

She heard noises in the other room, the kitchen. She heard a clink, a tap of a cane. Inej glared at the door from the bed, wishing she could open it with her eyes alone. Perhaps, the attic had had one benefit; you could see the entirety of the rooms from the bed.  She felt groggy, needy.

 

She’d earned this, hadn’t she? She’d be a Captain in an hour or two, the Wraith in the night. For now, she was a newly engaged woman and that was the only title she cared for in her slumbered state of mind.

 

With a stretch, a run of her hand over the mess of hair on her head, Inej stood on silent feet. She didn’t bother to pick up the towel that fell to the ground, didn’t reach for the blanket or a stitch of fabric, the room was plenty warm. She knew exactly who was in the kitchen, and she knew exactly what she wanted him to see. All of her, again.

 

Inej tip-toed to the door, slanted it open on silent hinges. It was rare that she ever got even a glimpse of Kaz without him knowing she was watching, she knew he’d sense her in the span of a heartbeat. She took what she could in that lapse of his strange sense that had attuned to her silence.

 

Kaz was wearing sleep trousers, a t-shirt that let the bottom of the ‘R’ tattooed on his bicep show as his arm moved to pour a kettle of water over coffee grounds in a filter balanced on a paper cup. He wasn’t even wearing socks. There was a hint of shadow along his jaw, which she noticed as he turned his head in her direction, his eyes not yet finding her where she stood in the shadow of the door.

 

She’d stolen a glimpse of him unaware, of his concentration face and sleepy eyes. It was enough. Saints, he was beautiful. All lines and pale and strength.

 

“Good morning,” Inej said with a beaming smile as she stepped out of the doorway, revealing her nudeness, her comfort.

 

The girl she once was would have never believed her to be able to do such a thing, now. To step into the morning light in front of a man whom had shared her bed, completely bare and wanting him to know it. Her only adornment was the ring he’d placed on her hand, and that was all she cared for him to see her in.

 

She felt confident, bold, and completely unafraid. Even months ago, this would have shattered her. Would have left her shaking and scared, desperate for cover. Now, she waltzed with her head held high, no crown had given her the confidence of a queen that she now wore. She’d given herself that confidence instead; with every battle she fought against her false silk shadow.

 

Kaz’s eyes widened as she leaned a bare hip against the counter, she set her elbow down and leaned her head forward to rest on her hand. She nearly shivered when his eyes dropped to her breasts, fell down her legs.

 

“Well, fuck this, then.” Kaz said with a coarse chuckle as he set the tea kettle to the side, made a show of leaving his coffee forgotten.

 

“No, no. Don’t mind me. I’m just admiring. Please, caffeinate, mera chaar.” Inej smirked.

 

Kaz raised a dark brow, picked up his kettle once more. He nearly missed the cup as his eyes glanced over her again. She couldn’t help her laugh as he cursed under his breath when he splashed the water onto the counter.

 

“Oh, so you’re in this mood, then, this morning?” Kaz looked at her once more with an amused lilt to his morning rasp.

 

“What mood is that, Kaz?” Inej smiled sweetly.

 

“You know the one. The one where you torment me until you get what you want.” Kaz laughed as he reached for his blazer that was on top of one of the boxes, fishing for a sugar packet that he was continuously armed with.

 

Inej almost laughed, Kaz carried sugar as much as he carried his pistol, his brass knuckles. Sweet and steel. Only she knew that sugar was an essential part of his weapons arsenal. Her chest warmed, expanded with affection.

 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Inej retorted. He was right, she was in that mood. She was in a lot of moods, if she was honest. Moods that required him in far less of a standing position. Moods that required him whispering her name.

 

“Yes you do, darling. You’re naked, and I’m supposed to focus on coffee? No, thanks. I’ll take the naked, Inej.” Kaz chuckled as he swirled his coffee in the cup, sugar added. They needed spoons, along with everything else. They were lucky Wylan had supplied borrowed dishware the night prior.

 

“I’m sorry to have interrupted your morning, fiancé. I shouldn’t have distracted you. I’ll just go slip on some clothes, then…” Inej trailed off as she pushed off the counter and turned for the bedroom door with a smirk on her lips.

 

“No, fuck. Please, no.” A pale hand snagged her wrist gently, turning her back toward him with a light tug. It was incredible, that moment. Inej felt not a shred of the dread she would have once, with a man tugging her back to him. It was Kaz, his fingers on her wrist as familiar as her own. Her body was beginning to remember, remember his touches, the feel of the pads of his fingers made soft from the leather of his gloves.

 

His eyes swam with hints of ochre and a gentle light reached the depths of his dark irises. Inej was already laughing as his arms snaked around her waist.

 

“I’m supposed to get going, Barrel and something about leadership or… yeah, that sounds right.” Kaz mumbled as she pressed closer into his embrace, her own arms slipping around his neck.

 

“Oh yes, very tedious. Kingdoms to burn, ashes to rule.” Inej grinned as he chuckled, pressed a kiss into the crown of her head through her hair.

 

“I’m a busy monster. I have to meet my monthly quota of souls sent to the higher-ups, mera nadra, or, shall I say, lower-downs.” She felt his grin against her head.

 

“You must be the laughing stock of hell, never even once succumbing to the sins of lust. I’d say you better rectify that. I can help.” Inej retorted. It got him. Her joke made him laugh that laugh that sent shivers of warmth from her ears to her toes.

 

“What a Saint you are, Wraith.” He whispered against her ear through her hair. She squirmed as one of his hands slipped over her ass, squeezed gently. It was so normal, so…wonderful.

 

“Drink the coffee, and then, come back to bed. I’ll make it worth it if you go downstairs at nine instead of eight.” Inej pressed kisses to his chest through his shirt in between each word, she felt his shudder under her lips.

 

“Mmm,” the noise rumbled against her. “I’ll definitely need a meal anyways before the day ahead.” Kaz brushed her hair over her shoulder, nibbled at her earlobe. She was already melting for him, his words hinted at just what he intended to consume. Her. Her heart rattled, her skin surely flushed.

 

“Didn’t get your fill, did you?” Inej purred as his hands began to track over her sides, she didn’t lift her head from his chest as her fingers wound themselves into the soft hair at the back of his head, the longer pieces like silk as she twisted and glided.

 

“Never,” Kaz replied, his mouth captured the side of her neck. “I can do this now, Inej. After all these years, and I will be damned if I don’t relish in it. You have no idea how much more I wish I could do, right now. How much I wish we could do.”

 

“Tell me.” Inej surprised herself with her own words, gasped as his teeth nipped at her skin, his tongue soothed the mark.

 

“For starters, I think this counter is a good height. Notes for the future.” He rasped, the rumble in his voice cascading against her throat and down the path he was forging in her flesh.

 

“On second thought, drink the coffee in a few minutes.” Inej nearly groaned as his lips sucked at the soft bit of flesh at the base of her throat.

 

“Tsk,” Kaz chastised as he continued his work to her neck. “The coffee won’t be hot in a few minutes but I suspect you’ll still be scorching, Inej.” His hand slipped around to her front, dipped between her legs. She gasped, surprised. It was a welcome touch, the first touch he hadn’t looked for permission for. She liked it. Loved it. She couldn’t bring herself to be embarrassed as his fingers slipped to her entrance, discovered her wetness.

 

“Tell me, Inej, did you come out here wanting something?” Kaz whispered as she let out a whimper, a hint of Dirtyhands had entered his voice. His finger was nudging her folds open for him, teasing.

 

“No.” Inej lied, fully aware that he’d know. He was not unaffected by this; she could feel the stirrings of his own arousal through his sleep pants as he pressed against her.

 

His finger dipped into her, curved in her standing position. Inej gasped as his finger brushed a spot within her that made lightning pop in the corner of her eyes. Then, his hand left her core entirely.

 

“Lie,” Kaz replied as she pulled away slightly to look at him, ready to protest. “Tell me what you want.” His voice was rough, commanding in a way that Inej only leaned into, not away from. This was not a command she minded, nor was he truly demanding.

 

“I want you to come back to bed, right now. I want you to do what you just did with your finger again.” Inej answered through a shiver as his hands slid over her ribcage, teased at the underside of her breasts.

 

“What if I said no?” He whispered, lips only a breath away from her own.

 

“I’d go take care of myself, and you wouldn’t be invited.” Inej smirked as his mouth parted slightly, eyes widened.

 

“That seems cruel.” He crooned, eyes only focused on her lips. “I don’t know whether I’m proud or terrified.” His lips slipped up crookedly, tauntingly.

 

“It would be, especially when I’d make sure you could hear me through the door.” Inej retorted lowly, her skin singing under his hands that froze at the sound of her voice.

 

“You are fucking perfect,” He whispered as he leaned forward, touching her lips once with his, softly, gently. “There is one problem with that plan, though, fiancé.” He pulled back only enough to speak, his lips still brushing hers as he said the words. She barely hid the whimper building in her throat.

 

“What is that?” Inej asked as her eyes fluttered shut. His hands began to move on her sides again, slow and languid.

 

“I’d pick any lock to get to you.” He replied, pulling her closer still. Her chest brushed his through his shirt, tickling her nipples. Her skin raised in goosebumps once more, the sensation urging her to pull him by that very shirt back into the bedroom behind her.

 

“True, but if I told you to stay away, you would. We both know it.” Inej sighed as his hand traced a lazy circle into the small of her back.

 

“Also true. Fair warning though, I’d still listen. I’d listen to every noise you made, and file it away for later. I’d make sure I could replicate them when it was my hands on you.” His voice dragged against her mouth, his eyes fluttered closed as their lips finally met, crashed and consumed.

 

His words sent fire in her veins and warmth fanning between her legs. She didn’t keep the whimper quiet this time as she reached one hand away from his neck, tracing over his clothes as his mouth moved against her own. Her hand sank low between their bodies, traced the length of his most sensitive part through his pants.

 

The gasp he made against her lips was worth it. She still pulled away to check his eyes, his breathing, even through the clothes she’d touched him through many times at this point.

 

His eyes opened as she gently moved her hand against him, she saw no nervousness. Saw no floods, nor felt any ripple of tides against their ankles. She only saw her own reflection in his blown pupils, saw only desire and restraint in the light flush to his pale skin.

 

“Nine-thirty, I’ll go downstairs at nine-thirty.” Kaz groaned, dipped his forehead to hers.

 

“That’s ambitious, I suggested nine.” Inej chuckled softly, tightened and loosened her fingers on him through the fabric. The moan that escaped him was dark and rich, desperate.

 

“You’re right, it is ambitious for what I’m about to do to you, twice at the least.” His eyes flickered open again, narrowed in on her lips once before dipping down between them, watching her hand, what she did to him. A shudder racked his shoulders as he observed, she smiled inwardly.

 

All at once, she dropped her hold on him, wiggled herself out of his arms with a sly smirk. It earned her his stagger forward as she backed away toward the bedroom.

 

“Bed.” Inej voiced, letting herself try it out. The same type of voice he’d used with her. They’d never break boundaries, never let any sort of power dispense truly from their commands, neither of them would enjoy that. But, she had to admit, it was intriguing to watch his eyes shut, watch him hold his pieces together at the tone of demand, even if it was only a request masked.

 

He didn’t move as he opened his eyes to her once more, melting pots of copper staring back at her.

 

“You have no idea how often I’m going to think about how you just sounded when you said that.” He replied, tone low.

 

“And you are twisted for it, but I’d rather like to hear you making other noises right now.” Inej laughed, completely bold.

 

She felt wild, reckless. It felt like the first time she’d stood in the Crow’s nest of her ship as she sailed in the wide expanse of open ocean, not a speck of land in sight. The realization that she’d never been there before, never experienced true freedom. Free from slavers, yes, but also free of the weight of her past, her kills, her heavy heart.

 

Inej was riding the wind again, this time, he was her hurricane. Her storm and her land, her rain and kind tide. Her moon, her blanket of night and bourbon burning kisses.

 

“Can I do something? Then I promise I’ll go back to that bed.” Kaz asked, something in his tone was checked, tethered. His hands flexed at his sides. Smoke chained to the heavy gravel of his vocal chords.

 

“Depends on if it’s going to speed things up or slow them down.” Inej said with a raised brow, her body was frustrated, her hands itched to touch him again.

 

“Speed them up.” He answered, his eyes were burning into her, skating over her body from her cheeks to her toes. She felt a rush of wings take flight in her stomach as his gaze latched onto hers once more. She gave the barest of nods, his eyes felt like his hands. She wanted both, wanted his eyes to touch her as his hands shadowed. She wanted him. Wanted more than she had ever thought possible.

 

Kaz was more. Kaz was more in every way. More than she’d ever thought he was, more than she thought he could be, once. It was not that she’d ever believed him to be less, she meant he was more than she ever expected. More kind. More vengeful. She treasured each part. He was more than she’d ever thought she’d have, more than she’d thought she’d earn. He always seemed to think he was earning her, she saw it in his eyes in moments of happiness. She wondered if he knew that she was always trying to earn him, too. His trust, his touches. His heart and his thoughts. His words and his armor.

 

They’d earned each other, with every battle fought in the privacy of their minds and equally in the world where she wielded knives and talent, and he brandished leather and schemes.

 

Kaz moved to stand before her, his steps slow as she backed against the wall by the bedroom door. She knew why he moved with caution, wished it wasn’t necessary even though it very much was. For a brief moment, her eyes fluttered, her heart seized in her chest as she leaned back against the wall. For a moment, she was scared again. The alcohol had helped the night before, but now… she was sober.

 

She opened her senses to him, to the feel of him that lingered in the air around her. That current of electricity between them that had been born of their trust as friends, as partners, before they’d ever been lovers. She inhaled as he stepped into her space, only a scant slip of oxygen separated their bodies, now. She could smell the faint hint of cinnamon that always alerted her of safety, the undernote of blown out candles that lingered in his clothes. The smooth current of bourbon and something uniquely Kaz that laid beneath all of his scent.

 

“Good?” Kaz asked quietly, his voice made her open her eyes. His gaze was heavy yet delicate as he searched her face, threatened her demons to stay away. She saw his hands at his sides, unwilling to touch her until he was absolutely certain she desired it, still. She did, more than anything else. She craved him, craved life.

 

One deep breath. Two flexes of her own fingers. Three seconds, a single tip of her toes to guide her to his cheek. A meditation in calm and a return to her body.

 

“Good.” Inej answered as she laid a kiss to his left cheek with a smile.

 

 Kaz nodded once, she still didn’t know what he intended. Then, he tilted his head down, kissed her lips tentatively first, leaving her in control even with her back against the wall. She deepened that kiss until he pulled away slightly, began to trail his lips over her throat, peppering her in softness that sent tingles down her back, over her shoulders.

 

His path continued down, he only paused to reach for his blazer still draped over nearby boxes. Inej groaned when his kisses stopped. She didn’t understand until he dropped his blazer to the ground in a bundled heap, his care for wrinkles in this particular jacket clearly forgotten.

 

Kaz knelt as his kisses continued down her stomach, the tops of her thighs. The blazer padded his knee, he braced himself with a soft grip on her thigh. When she looked down, she couldn’t help the moan that escaped her. His name was drug out of her mouth as he gently began to lift one of her legs over his shoulder, exposing everything to him.

 

“Good?” He whispered again against the flesh of her inner thigh as her own hand gripped his free shoulder, balancing and holding herself together as the cool air brushed the warmth between her legs, nearly crumbling her.

 

“Good.” She managed through a gasp as his eyes flicked up to her. His irises were smoldering and the notes of amber shined in the light from the windows on the far wall.

 

When his mouth moved against her, she nearly collapsed. No other person had ever discovered what Kaz looked like, knelt on the ground and groaning against her most sensitive areas. Never knew what his eyes looked like as he watched her, his lips never leaving her center.

 

Inej fell into that moment, somehow managed to keep her eyes open even as her fingers tangled in his hair, telling him in silence when to ease his pressure, deepen it.

 

Pressed against a wall, with Kaz between her legs, she was still in control. He’d made sure of it. She loved him even more for it. He kept her safe, kept her demons looking the other way, no nooses to be found.

 

His finger surprised her, elicited a gasp of his name.

 

“You said you wanted me to do that, again.” His breath was warm against her clit, she felt his lips turn into a smile before his mouth met her center once more.

 

Someday, Inej hoped she’d be able to return the act. She knew she couldn’t, now. But she wanted to, and that was a start. It was a start toward the future. She wanted to know his body in equal measure, wanted to know what he looked like as she knelt before him, wanted to know what he tasted like, sounded like, as she took him into her mouth. Her own fears and Kaz’s, while similar, worked differently. Kaz could do this for her, now. With his mouth, he’d become more free. She knew that he still wasn’t ready to expose all of their skin, wasn’t ready to try sleeping bare together, yet. For her, most of her skin was safe to him, now. It was the parts that had been touched in the Menagerie, that still elicited fear.

 

She still couldn’t quite believe Kaz was where he was now, that she could allow him to be there. The thought was dull as his movements quickened against her, inside her.

 

As she fell over the precipice of pleasure, she made that promise to herself. She’d get there, she’d heal for both of them, she’d do this for him, too. Someday. She told him so, and she felt his smile against her as she fell and fell and fell.

 

********** END OF SPICY CONTENT! Though, please be warned, in the coming paragraphs there is slight mention to what occurred, I am sorry I couldn’t break it up perfectly. Just in case anyone needs that warning. **********

 

KAZ

 

            He was surely dead, only ashes of him had to remain in her hands. Inej had certainly made the late start to the day worth it, and he’d relished in it. After she’d fallen apart for him, she’d somehow gotten him back into that damn bed and he loved her for it. Somewhere, he’d lost his pants, though she’d kept her own body distant from his, only letting her hands wander, touch and tug. He’d forgotten about his coffee completely. No longer cared, not after this morning. Not after the day and night before. He might even be in a good mood, it felt foreign. He felt like smiling. He felt like living.

 

            That was, until bangs began at their front door. The list of people it could be was very short, given that only Anika, Pim, and Rotty had the key necessary to get to the sixth floor of the High-Wire via the lift, outside of himself and now, Inej. Even the key to the escape stairwell had been returned to Kaz by Jesper last night, despite that Kaz intended to make both Jesper and Wylan copies at Inej’s request. Nina probably as well for when she stayed in Ketterdam.

 

            “You’ll put pants on faster.” Inej groaned from where she laid against his chest, still protected by his shirt. Kaz rolled his eyes as he began to shift, the excessive banging continued at the door.

 

“Fucking hell, I need a shower.” Kaz mumbled as he stood and shifted his sleep trousers on. He found his gloves, too. He did not want to face whoever was at the door this disheveled, but he would, for her. He was suddenly grateful that the… evidence of their activities had already been cleaned with a towel.

 

“Don’t kill them, whoever it is, mera chaar.” Inej smiled as she sat up on the bed with a giggle. He threw her a glare over his shoulders and his eyes betrayed him with another wandering glance over her lithe hips, her bare legs.

 

“Pray to your Saints, mera nadra.” He quipped.

 

“I think you’re the one who should pray for patience on your knees, Kaz.” Inej laughed through another bang to the door in the other room.

 

“I only kneel for one reason, Inej.” He said lowly with a smirk to match. Her eyebrows scrunched and that delightful little furrow appeared.

 

“Two reasons.” She held up the ring on her hand with a glare of her own that he saw straight through.

 

“No, that was a once in a lifetime occurrence. What I refer to is what you might call… repeated worship.” He said with a pointed glance to the doorway where he’d had her only a bell prior. He delighted in the blush that spread from her nose to her breasts, she reached for the balled up blanket, tossing it half-heartedly. He escaped her fluffy weapon with a wink as he finally limped toward the front door, plucking up his cane on the way.

 

As Kaz opened the door, he found Anika, red faced and nervous.

 

“What?” Kaz didn’t hide his irritation.

 

“Boss… Specht is here. Needs to see the Captain, immediately. I think something’s wrong.” Anika sputtered and Kaz flicked his eyes over his shoulder, the door obscured Anika’s line of sight into their bedroom. Inej was already on her feet, clearly having heard. She was quickly digging into a box, pulling out one of his shirts and covering her body in hurried movements.

 

“Where is he?” Kaz asked.

 

“In the lift.” Anika flicked her eyes back down the hall.

 

“Bring him in. We’ll talk in my office. Can you stay, Anika?” Inej’s voice was suddenly behind Kaz, he’d felt her near. His eyebrows must have lifted to his hairline when she stood in Anika’s view, still bare legged and only wearing his shirt. Inej ignored him completely, threads of anxiety already weaving into her expression. He knew why, The Wraith was everything to Inej. For more reasons than he could even count.

 

Anika didn’t seem to mind Inej’s choice in attire, only nodded respectfully and began to walk down the hall to retrieve Specht. Kaz wasn’t sure why Inej had asked Anika to remain, but he quickly excused himself to find proper clothing. He only paused to press a kiss to Inej’s temple as she shot him a nervous glance and moved to find her leggings on the floor from the night before.

 

“I’ll be there in a moment,” Kaz rasped as Inej did a little jump to pull up her leggings over her hips, he wanted to smile but he couldn’t. Not when her shoulders had grown heavy, tight.

 

Of course. Life didn’t stop just because they were happy, just because they had gotten so far. He wanted her to be happy again, wanted whatever this problem was to have waited one more fucking day.

 

            He should have known. He’d played enough hands, and luck only lingered in your corner for so long.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            Minutes later, Kaz was at least wearing a shirt and trousers, a blazer slung over his shirt lacking a tie. Where had his ties been packed? Fuck, they had so much to do.

           

            Kaz opened the door to Inej’s office off the living room to find her perched on her new desk, Specht leaned against the window sill and Anika was lingering in the corner, her green eyes dark and hard-set.

 

            “What did I miss?” Kaz asked of the room as he moved to stand beside Inej, already noticing her hands that were linked tightly in front of herself on her knees, white knuckles showing. Something she did when she was holding herself together.

 

            Nope. Fuck that. Didn’t ask for that, Saints.

           

            “One of Kane De Vries’ fleets are approaching the Kerch coastline, but veering south of Ketterdam, we know because of his flag, the serpent circle. There’s at least thirty stolen innocents aboard one of the vessels, according to our contact that sailed into port this morning. A trusted friend from my time in the Navy. He left Noyvi Zem and caught the crosswind of the Slavers, spied their ship. He’s fed us information before, reliable information.” Specht said, his thick arms folded across his chest.

 

            “But Kane’s not sailing to Ketterdam?” Kaz asked, Inej stayed silent. His eyes lingered on her, worried.

 

            “There are two ships separated from the rest, heading straight for our harbor. My guess,” Specht paused with a sympathetic look to Inej, Inej who sat straight as a pole and silent. “Is that those ships are being sent to see the Wraith doesn’t leave fifth harbor. They may not risk the ire of either council, merchant or tide, by sinking us, but that doesn’t mean they can’t vandalize. Pillage. Raise the flag of concern or piracy, make the harbor unescapable. The fleet sails together in case we make it out, one ship against five.” Specht said gruffly, the man ran a hand over his short beard. A twitch of his fingers told Kaz that he craved his pipe.

 

            “So what does that mean, exactly?” Anika asked quietly. A long moment passed, breaths held in the room. Kaz’s eyes were focused only on his avri, her eyes were looking out the window toward the harbor, toward her ship. She was biting her lip, scheming face.

 

            “How many of us are there in the city, Specht? At last contact listing?” Inej said, voice of a Captain and harsh like steel. Kaz felt a lick of pride skim his chest at the sight. Captain Inej Ghafa, his fiancé.

 

            “Seven. Quin and Mira are down at the Huxley Inn near port. Greer has been staying with…well, I’m not sure who if I’m honest. But she’s at the ship, now. I found her down at the Crow Club this morning with Aiden. I know Lain and Cal are out in the University district, visiting cousins. Seventh being myself, Captain.” Specht answered and Kaz knew he’d not met every member of Inej’s crew, only a few of her most trusted. Half the names he registered from some of Inej’s stories, the other’s foreign to him or new hires.

 

            “Skelly?” Inej asked, her eyes flicking to Specht. Kaz didn’t know the term, he shared a glance with Anika.

 

            “Possible. Could get word out, meet in port in Kastan, the small ports on the other side of the island. We couldn’t stop though, Cap. We can’t sail and rescue with seven, not even including you.” Specht said cautiously.

 

            Kaz connected the dots, Skelly meant skeleton crew.

 

            Oh.

 

            No. Not yet. Not yet, mera nadra. His heart gave a jolt. His hands tightened in the leather of his gloves.

 

            “Where are they going to auction in the trade if they aren’t bringing those people back to Ketterdam?” Inej pondered with a nod more to herself than anyone else.

 

            “My guess? Next biggest city. The players from Ketterdam will travel for new product out to Belendt. Makes for a hell of a trek from the ports, though. Whole town is land locked.”

 

Kaz felt a spike of anxiety in his chest, he kept his face neutral. Resisted the urge to say “hell no, there’s a fleet of ships wanting to kill you, Inej.”

 

            “What do we do? What’s our move, Captain? We’ve got six bells minimum, ten maximum, before those two ships are due in fifth Harbor according to the information. They took the long route to avoid the cut waves. Our source didn’t, sailed through the rough sea.” Specht asked as he straightened his shoulders, waiting for Inej’s command. Anika seemed lost, but nervous. Kaz understood.

 

            “We’re going to outrun them, Specht. Then, we’re following that fleet. We’ll rescue on land, if we have to. Thirty lives are at stake,” Inej said, conviction changing her voice to match her mantle of Captain.

 

            Just like that, luck left his corner.

 

            “You cannot be serious.” Kaz regretted the words the moment they slipped from his mouth, but he could not bring himself to take them back. Not even as Inej’s eyes shot to him, dared him.

 

            “Very. I will not stand by. I will not be caged by Kane De Vries.” Inej whispered, voice like retribution and the blades of her Saints.

 

            It was a death wish, and she knew it. Kaz left the room.

 

She’d decided without him. Hadn’t asked for his input. He didn’t know whom he was angrier with; himself, for believing they could exist in happiness for a few more hours, or with her, for promising a life and then so easily agreeing to risk it. Without even considering him, or them.

 

It felt like a gunshot, it felt like cold water in his lungs.

 

He felt homesick, all at once.

 

           

Chapter 104: Captains & Crows

Summary:

A reunion of a different kind.

Notes:

Chapter 104!!!!!!!!!

SEASON 4 FINALE. SEASON 4 FINALE. Guys, I can't believe we're here. I'm sorry it's a few hours late, but I just... gah. It needed to be right, and at first, I was going to end this season much differently, but I elected against it and reworked the chapter. It's 6k words though soooooo I hope you can forgive? <3 I'M SO READY FOR NEXT SEASON. I CANNOT TELL YOU. SO READYYYYY. Anyways, I hope you all love it. <3

We crossed 200k hits on this story since I uploaded the last chapter and you guys.... I just. I cried. Like, actual tears. I cannot tell you how much your support has meant to me and continues to mean to me. I know I've been so bad with getting back to comments and it's because life has been crazy between writing and work and I just want you to know I do read every single one and I'm so sorry I haven't gotten back, but your words are so so appreciated. this story has and continues to mean more to me than I can possibly express, and 200k hits is a number I can't even wrap my head around. Thank you for being here. Thank you for everything. <3

PLEASE my loves, tell me what you think. Tell me if you're excited. Tell me what you think this next season will encompass, I just want to know if you're as excited as me because i can't like gush about this story with anyone without spoiling so I live for your comments <3 I love you guys, and I cannot wait for what's to come.

TWO SONGS: "Wherever You Will Go" by The Calling (It just fits.<3)
AND "Norwegian Pirate" by Thomas Bergerson, Two Steps from Hell (THE LAST BIT AFTER THE CUT. YOU'LL SEE.)

KAZ

 

            The bourbon burned, even through the coffee he’d added it to. His own version of half and half for this day that had started with sugar and softness. He’d removed the painting on the far wall of his office to reveal a new target, clean of holes until now. He tossed an onyx knife from where he stood by his desk. It landed on the outer ring, just as the four shots before it had. Kaz was unbalanced, furious and frustrated. He’d just sent Roeder with a mission to trail the Merchant council in the coming days, it hadn’t been a pleasant meeting, the spider had nearly run from the room when Kaz had half-heartedly threatened him after his questions of “why”.

 

            Kaz didn’t care. Didn’t give a damn about any of it, right now. Everything he cared about was either upstairs or already at the Harbor, preparing her ship for perhaps her final voyage. She was going so easily, so fucking easily. He didn’t understand, and that was the worst part. Kaz knew Inej would always carry her desire to rescue those living the nightmare she’d endured as a highest priority; but he’d underestimated how far she’d go. How much she’d give up, without a care of who was left in her wake.

 

            Kaz was the wood that would wash up on the sand of Kerch, the evidence of her storm. Or maybe, he was the ring on her finger that could end up on the bottom of the Sea, where he’d perhaps always been destined to go.

 

He shook his head of the thought, reached to straighten a tie that had never been put on. He unlatched and re-latched his blazer, in search for some semblance of control in this hurricane.

 

            Some part of him knew, knew it wasn’t personal, knew it was what her soul, her essence, demanded of her. That part of him was being torn to pieces with each tick of the clock as his own anger sizzled and burned. What about Khalid and Rahul? Inej was supposed to sail them back to Ravka when she left for her originally planned voyage. What about the others who would wash up on the shore with him? Broken beyond repair and covered in salt water tears. Jesper. Wylan. Nina. Her parents. Nani. All of them, left to hold their breath and pray. Left to hope she breathed. Left to carry on. What would he even tell her family if she never came back?

           

            He didn’t even believe in praying. He believed in her, Ghezen, did he believe in her. It didn’t matter this time, though. His belief wasn’t enough; her faith was not enough. This time was different from her normal voyages, ones when she departed with a full crew and a stocked ship in tow. This was different because there was an entire fleet of ships out there calling for the Wraith’s head, both in wood and flesh. It was true, she always had enemies, but normally, she could run or engage them under her own terms, one ship at a time. Inej had to know it was different, had to understand. Kaz was a man of odds, he knew how to make the rules of the game change, it didn’t mean he was arrogant. Maybe, in his past, he had been. There’d been times he’d fucked up, but he’d always gotten out. Now, he had too much to lose to act with abandon. A city he’d claimed, a gang he’d built. A relationship that he’d worked harder for than anything he’d done to earn the first two.

 

            He’d never seek to control Inej, never ask her to hand over her freedom. That was not what Etma Se Saman meant. It wasn’t what being a husband, an avri, meant. He’d learned that much in the past two years. He did not crave to build a cage around her, he only craved equality in the decision that would so evidently affect him as much as her. Hadn’t that been her problem with the jewel heist in which he’d been injured? It felt hypocritical, unfair.

 

            Summoned by the thought, his side throbbed. The wound from the heist of alexandrite was healing, his stitches growing itchy. He’d barely paid it any mind in the past two days, save for when Inej had brushed it once this morning and he’d winced. She’d seen it, kissed him.

 

            Would there be any more of those moments? Would he ever get farther? Have the chance to say his vows? Heal enough to make love to her? Was this an ending, the beginning of his downfall? Would he ever want to remove the gloves, again?

 

            Inej was intent on sailing to her death, and Kaz was no squaller. If he were, maybe he could at least turn the wind in her favor. Ensure the Wraith would return home to fifth harbor, somehow.

 

            A glance at the clock told him that it had been two bells since he’d left the apartment. Anika had not followed him out of the meeting. He didn’t know if she’d stayed or simply opted to stay clear of his path to the lift, let him simmer alone. Kaz had shut and locked his office door after his meeting with Roeder, he’d left Pim a note on his apartment door with shift schedule for the Dime Lion’s territory to be brought to Dirix. Anika had managed the Club, Kaz was certain. He should have been heading to the Slat, meeting with Rotty and establishing new ranks, positions for new recruits. He should have been going through the pile of missives from various Dregs’ businesses on his desk. He should have been working on fencing the diamonds he’d stolen in the heist that were now in the safe under the floorboards near where he stood.

 

            His only thought was of her. Of his future. He should have been here, working, knowing that tonight, once the work was done, he’d go upstairs. Inej would come home, too. She’d return from her ship, from spending time with Khalid and Rahul, and together, they could have begun to unpack their lives. Schemed. Kissed a thousand times more than necessary, a thousand times too few.

 

            Like a landslide, Kaz realized that he’d begun to believe in a life. A life together. When Inej had swung from the noose, he’d screamed. It had felt like the very fabric of the sky had ripped open, sucking him from the ground and into the blackness between stars, never to find solid footing again. It had felt like death, with the added punishment of continuing to breathe.

 

            He’d thought that he’d never feel that way again, never have to be certain of Inej’s death, ever again. Now, she was walking back to the noose willingly. After only two weeks, he felt like screaming again, when the day before, he’d only felt the future between his fingers. It was slipping, all of it was slipping and he couldn’t fucking stop it. Inej might survive, he tried again to tell himself. She knew her chances were few, and that was a high estimate. What was her plan? What the hell was she thinking?

 

            It was different. He tossed another knife, not bothering to care where it landed, he barely aimed. It had been a throw of sheer force, the blade shimmied from the shock of the wood it was now embedded in.

 

            It was fucking different. While he always worried for Inej on her voyages, he knew she was well armed, protected with a force of many. Had faith in her skill as a Captain and her judgement. She always had time to plan her strikes, had time to evaluate. This was fucking different. They always led lives of danger, and he knew she worried over him as well, but he was in the same spot, in many ways. Had the Dregs. Made plans. Treaded with balance even with a limp.

 

            He downed the rest of his bourbon soaked caffeine. Ran his hands over his face as he dropped into his desk chair. He hadn’t even had a chance to shave, shower. Hadn’t wanted to be in that apartment for another second, not when she was going out to the True Sea with a sign strapped to her head saying “I’m here for the drowning”.

 

            Why did the water want to take everything from him, always?

 

            He felt a buzz of electricity in the top of his spine, a familiar warning. His hands paused over his eyes, elbows on his desk. He didn’t even bother to look up, his door was locked. She could knock if she wanted to enter, and he honestly didn’t know if he’d answer. It was petty and he knew it, selfish. He didn’t care. Not when she’d cast him aside, so carelessly. He was pissed, beyond it.

 

            He was fuming and teetering on the shatter point. He was terrified.

 

            That’s when the painting behind his desk pushed out, the escape stairwell. Damnit. Why the fuck hadn’t he thought of that? He was a wreck in an un-pressed suit. No tie to speak of. Stubble. A heart that felt like glass in her perfect palms.

 

            “Kaz.” Inej’s voice carried to him, he squeezed his eyes shut under his gloves. Her voice was like warm hot chocolate, smooth and soothing. He hated it, right now. Hated that he might not hear it again, after today. He could still taste her on his tongue, for fucks sake. Might never hear those noises, either. It was a reality he couldn’t cope with, hadn’t figured a scheme out of, no matter how much he wanted to.

 

            If she wanted to go, he’d let her go. He always had. She deserved it, she was a free person. Made her own choices. It didn’t dull the sting of every one of her blades that had impaled his chest with the same force of the knives he’d thrown at the target. He was her target, today.

           

            He didn’t hear her move, but he knew she had. She was in front of his desk, now. He sat still, kept his breathing even. Finally, he removed his hands from his face, brushed the dust of his internal collapse off his hands.

 

            She was still wearing his shirt over her leggings, only now her long hair had been braided to the side of her head. She was twisting the ring on her finger, her lip pulled slightly between her teeth as they watched each other from across the desk that felt like the Sea, the distance too wide to cross without a raft.

 

            He’d been there before.

 

            “Talk to me.” She asked quietly, dark eyes focusing on his face. It was the toss of a rope, a way across the water between them. The set of her shoulders told him she was scared, told him she was also ready to fight, with him. He hated that she was right, she was about to fight with him.

 

            A long moment passed, his mouth must have begun to open and close about five times. His hands flexed in the leather of his gloves. He wanted to tell her, tell her his every fear, but he couldn’t get the words out as he looked at her, looking at him. For once, he wasn’t worried about anyone hearing them from within his office, his new office. This space was much different from his old one, the door across the room was thicker, the walls insulated. It was private.

 

All of the sudden, his words had dissipated. Evaporated into the furious air around him; leaving him with only the sheer force of emotion, anger and fear twisting into a concoction far more lethal. He reached within himself to find them again.

           

            “Why shall I talk now? You gave me no chance upstairs. Didn’t care for my opinion, then. What changed? You realized I left? I’m flattered.” Kaz said quietly, linking his hands in front of him on the desk. He tasted the bitterness of his words and yet couldn’t bring himself to fully regret them, even as her features winced, slightly.

 

            “Kaz, you know what this means to me-” Inej began slowly. He cut her off.

 

            “Yes, I know what your purpose means to you, Inej. I always have, have I not been clear in showing my support? Forgive me for giving a damn when you want to do something incomprehensibly stupid because I know what you mean to me.” He interrupted, rage seething. He would not yell; he’d made that promise. But he would ensure that she knew exactly what he thought, how he felt. It was that or leaving the room, again. He wouldn’t, now. They were past that. She wanted to know how he felt, he’d tell her. Maybe, it would do some good. Maybe damage. Both were progress, something more than this.

 

            “Stupid? You think what I’m doing is stupid?” Inej’s brow raised, her dark eyes zeroed in on him.

 

He was right, he was the target today. Good, at least fighting was something he could do. It was better than sitting here, trying to cling to his flicker of hope. Fighting with her was better than silence, better than her leaving with no resolution.

 

            “You know I don’t mean your desire to rescue. You know I only mean the way you’re rushing into this, with no plan. No care in the world for yourself as long as those others live.” Kaz retorted. The roll of her eyes made his heart ache. She looked lovely when she was angry, even with him. He tossed the thought aside as he stood in anger, made for the small cabinet near the meeting table. He’d stocked it with bourbon.

 

            “Oh that’s rich, Kaz. How often have you marched into a plan last second, bringing others with you? Are you telling me you can’t see me from up there on your fucking high-ground?” Inej’s voice was like a bullet.

 

            He poured four fingers worth of liquor into his glass.

 

            “When have I been impulsive lately, Inej? Hmm? Give me an example. Jewel heist? I’ve been planning that for six months, by the way. While you were on your voyages? Was I impulsive, then? No. I took jobs I needed to in order to grow what I’m building, but I’ve planned every move I’ve made. I never had your sense of martyrdom. I like living, thanks.” Kaz did regret the last bit. It was unfair. He knew it. She visibly flinched, but schooled every bit of her emotion away in the span of only seconds.

 

It was admirable, in a strange way. The way she laced her emotions into a corset of lines behind her eyes. He could do that, too. He didn’t want to, now. He was free of his armor, just like she’d asked.

 

            “I came down here to talk to you. To explain why I thought what I was doing was right. I came down here to give you a chance to tell me why you stormed away. Maybe I shouldn’t have.”

 

            Kaz did not pause. Her words were unfair, now. It felt like a slap across his face.

 

            “You gave me a chance, Inej? Really? Let me explain to you, then, what has gone through my head the past two hours.” He downed the whiskey, set the glass to the table beside him. “I’ve considered every possible thing we won’t experience if you don’t come back. I’ve been sitting here, losing my saints-damned mind over you. I’ve thought about every single person you could rescue, and every other one you’ll destroy with your absence. You think it’s a great idea, right? Even if you die, you’ll have saved thirty innocent people. You’re right, thirty against one, that does seem like a steal of a deal with fate. Have you thought further than that, though? Hmm?

 

            “You die. The Wraith sinks. Thirty people live, but what about the next thousand over the next ten years that you would have been able to help as your career continued? Not to mention those you’re leaving behind with no regard. I’ll even take myself out of the equation for you. Your parents? Friends? The rest of your crew that won’t be aboard, those who rely on you for their entire lively hood? Sorry, Inej. I just don’t see it. Not to mention the hypocrisy. I schemed without you, you were furious when I was wounded. Today? You schemed with me in the same room and I didn’t even earn a glance of your eyes when we both know you’re walking into far greater danger. Fuck that. That’s not equality. That’s not fair.”

 

            His voice burned, his fingers flexed in his gloves as he ran a hand through his hair. He’d said it evenly, but his heart was beating like a shot gun. He couldn’t even look at her, didn’t want to, right now.

 

Then, Inej was collapsing into one of the chairs across from his desk. He finally looked at her as his breathing calmed. Her head was in her hands, the ring on her finger glimmering in the late morning light filtering from the window beyond his desk. He resisted the urge to walk to her. He didn’t like seeing this, hated that he was the cause of her bowed head. It didn’t make his words or his feelings any less true. He would not take them back.

 

“I don’t know what I’m doing, Kaz. I don’t know what I’m doing. I… you’re right. I’m also right. I don’t know how to navigate this; I doubt even Specht thinks I’m acting with a proper heading.” Inej’s voice was smaller than he’d heard in a long time, scared.

 

“Then let me fucking help you, Inej. Let me be your partner as much as you’ve been mine in every scheme. Don’t shut me out because you feel you owe a debt to the world to shoulder your purpose alone. It sucks, I would know.” Kaz finally said, a heavy sigh escaped him as he leaned back against the liquor cabinet.

 

“Can we go upstairs, talk? Please?” Inej asked, her hands still over her face as she looked down at her knees.

 

“Fine. Only if you make me a promise.” Kaz said cautiously. While he felt they were getting somewhere, his nerves were frayed. He was still angry, still terrified, still irritated beyond all belief.

 

Inej lifted her head with a deep breath, made a motion of her wrist for him to continue.

 

“Promise me that you aren’t going to sail out there without little more than your faith. Promise me that we are going to talk about this until we find another way or a better plan. If you can’t promise me that, I’m not interested. I don’t feel like that is unreasonable to ask of you. I won’t stop you, Inej. I won’t ever stop you, but I reserve the right to tell you as the person you’ve agreed to spend your life with that I disagree, whole heartedly. You told me to stop hiding what I thought from you, so here it is, good and ugly. If you’re going, fine. Do it. I won’t hold it against you, but I won’t aid you in a cause for your death. I can’t. It’s a path I can’t follow you down. If you’ve already made your choice, I need to know.” Kaz voiced the truth, his breath held in his chest.

 

He didn’t know. He didn’t know if he was unreasonable, didn’t know if it was more than he had a right to ask. All he knew was that he had to ask, that he had spoken the only facts he knew of himself, right now. All the truth as he had was laid bare for her on the table.

 

Inej’s eyes looked to him, tentative and striking in their depth. He felt like he could see the scales tipping in her mind, the weight of his request against the weight of her promise.

 

“I can’t make that promise, Kaz. Not when my ship is in the Harbor and we have six bells at the most before those two ships arrive. Kane could even be on one of them. I can’t let my ship sit in the Harbor.” Inej said softly.

 

Kaz didn’t know what to do with that. It was neither what he wanted to hear, nor was she speaking like she’d made a decision in her sailing after the rest of the fleet. He closed his eyes, breathed through his nose. He felt her move, the air changing around her. She’d stepped closer to him. He inhaled one more time, the scant scent of sea water hit his nose, followed by the smell of his own cologne, on her. It made his stomach flip. He hated the affect she had in this moment.

 

“Give me two of those hours. We go upstairs, we talk. We figure something out, Inej.” Kaz answered only after he’d packed his rage away, let it cool off in the ice box of his chest.

 

“A compromise?” Inej asked. He opened his eyes to find her only three paces away from him, her arms crossed over her chest.

 

“If we don’t compromise, you are going to feel trapped, and I’m going to feel helpless and we both have a terrible fucking time. Call it growth, Wraith.” He answered gruffly.

 

“I’ve made you curse too much today,” Inej laughed, small and sincere. He couldn’t help but smile slightly in return.

 

“I much prefer the way you made me curse before we fought, if I’m honest.” Kaz returned as she rolled her eyes that were now flickering in amusement.

 

He knew they were both still angry, hurt. Scared. It was enough, though. It was enough to know they could do this, together. Whatever bombs the world tossed into their shelter, they’d throw back.

 

“Lift?” Inej eyed his leg and Kaz only nodded as he picked up his cane, followed her out of his office into the hallway of the third floor. He locked the door behind him, then they trailed the dark wood floors that were cast in the glow from gas sconces lining the walls.

 

“Boss?” Arman was trotting down the stairs beside the cage lift just as himself and Inej approached.

 

“Not now.” Kaz answered dispassionately. The healer only nodded, clearly it was not important. Kaz noticed Arman’s head dip to Inej, her smile in return, as they stepped into the lift to return to the sixth floor. They all knew, now. All the Dregs knew Inej was Kaz’s second, his first. His equal. Respect now dripped from them whenever they saw her, Kaz felt a tug of pride within his chest despite the day.

 

Kaz watched as Inej produced the key to the lift from her pocket, turned it and pulled the lever for the sixth floor. A moment later, she leaned next to him as the cage whirled to life.

 

It was as they watched each other from the corners of their eyes that he realized that the wind had only made them hold on tighter, dig deeper into the soil of the life they were building. Trees, just after the hurricane. They’d make it. She’d make it. They never stopped fighting.

 

 

INEJ

 

            “You chose a glass shower. Glass, Kaz?” Inej was standing in the bathroom that she’d barely been in, save to brush her teeth and take care of her personal needs after Specht had left, before she’d gone on a mission to find her avri. She hadn’t noticed anything beyond the bathtub, but now she was eyeing the shower stall. It was small, and entirely transparent.

 

            “Just because I can’t shower with you doesn’t mean I don’t prefer the sight of you naked and wet, Inej. Haven’t we learned this, yet?” He smirked as she whirled on him where he stood, leaned against the counter. Her cheeks were red; she was already laughing.

 

            “The impropriety, Kaz. How do you store all of it in there?” She nudged his leg with a kick of her bare foot, clutched the towel to her chest.

 

            “I guess I’ve saved every inappropriate thought I’ve ever had for you, darling. Get ready for them all to come out at inopportune moments for you, brilliantly chosen ones for me.” Kaz chuckled roughly as she threw her eyes heavenward.

 

            “And what if I’m angry with you and don’t want to be seen?” Inej ignored his widened eyes and false sigh. He moved and reached around the corner of the shower stall, where a black curtain was tied back. He made a dramatic gesture that earned him another laugh from her mouth without her permission.

 

            “You do think of everything; I’ll give you that much.” Inej joked as she reached in and started the tap for the hot water.

 

            “Exactly why you should listen to me and let me help you.” He said softly, her back was turned but she felt the ripple of his anxiety in the air, even if he hid it well. Not from her, never from her. She could read him and he could read her, it was as it always had been. There it was, the return to their conversation from downstairs. What she was dreading, yet hoping for.

 

            “Kaz,” She sighed. She didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how to navigate this problem the world had presented. She was supposed to only be worried about meeting Khalid and Rahul in a few hours. Worried about the unpacking of their apartment, ordering a chair or two for Saints-sake. Placing orders to prepare for her planned voyage. She wasn’t supposed to be leaving today, breaking today.

 

            She felt the press of his hand, light against her lower back through the fabric of the towel wrapped around her chest. She leaned back, felt his arms wrap around her once she gave him permission. Her head fell back against his chest as she closed her eyes, only hearing his breath against her ear, the shower running against the glass.

 

            “How long will it take for the Wraith to sail to the other side of Kerch?” He whispered as his hand rubbed a lazy circle over her stomach.

 

            “Three days, Kerch isn’t large as you know. But, the sea can be rough near the coast, thanks to the perpetual weather system over this island. Three days is a rough estimate, four at most. If I had my whole crew, we might be able to beat the fleet to the small ports in Kastan, the fishing village; Specht and I decided that’s the only place they’d dock to transport the stolen people inland. Rather, I can still beat the fleet there, I’m sure.” She paused, ignored the way his hands were brushing over her hips through the towel, he knew what he was doing and she loved him for it, eased into the comfort of his touch.  “I can beat them there even with a skeleton crew, that’s not the problem. The problem is whether I’d be able to rescue the innocent with so few people behind me, my crew who would be exhausted from sailing straight through. They won’t be in any shape for a fight after we get there. Then, if we sail slower, it will also be much harder if we don’t get to the Slavers until they get inland to Belendt. That’s got to be a two-day trek on foot at the least. Not to mention it’s a city we’d have to track them in.” Inej sighed and she felt his arms tighten around her, protective and offering strength.

 

            “You would take the rails to Belendt. They’ve installed them on that side of the country, the steam engines. It would only be six or seven hours. I’ve…” Kaz trailed off and Inej began to pull away to look at him but he held her there, gently. “I’ve looked at how long the rails take to reach inland on that side of Kerch because one of the stations is only a few hours walk from Lij.” He finished in a whisper, her chest expanded in warmth. Lij. They needed to plan that trip, more than ever. Neither of them could dwell on that now, though. Neither of them could plan anything outside of the next few hours, not when… not when she might leave.

 

Might fail.

 

Might not return.

 

            Might die.

 

            She couldn’t think like that. Couldn’t allow the thought to gain traction in its trek along the walls of her heart, like a spider spinning silky anxiety.

 

            “It still doesn’t solve the problem, Kaz. I can’t… I can’t leave those people. Thirty souls, Kaz. Thirty. That’s as many as I saved in my entire career thus far, I can’t leave them. I can’t let them fall like that. I also can’t leave my ship in the Harbor, you heard Specht. It may not sink, but what if I can’t even escape for my next voyage, what if it’s damaged? What if Kane himself arrives in Ketterdam?” Inej squeaked at the last thought. She hadn’t even realized…

 

No. Kane De Vries couldn’t come to Ketterdam, he would… Kaz was on his list, too. Kaz Brekker had killed Kane’s employees thrice over, now. Charles Hester. Pekka Rollins. Henrik. Kaz had helped Inej, helped her from afar in taking down Kane’s ships, one by one.

 

The slaver wouldn’t come to Ketterdam himself, would he? He never had…as far as Inej knew. The breath that came from her was shaky, broken.

 

“Stop. I know where you went. I’m fine.” Kaz’s whisper was sturdy against her ear, warm and sure.

 

Of course he knew. He always did. Damn him.

 

“So, what you’re telling me is that you need a crew to sail, which you have, but you need a fresh crew to be able to fight on land, and to smuggle those people out from the ship at port?” He asked and Inej felt the flutter of his eyelashes against her skin as he pressed a kiss to her bare shoulder.

 

“Yes. But I can’t get the rest of my crew into Ketterdam and ready to sail with four days’ notice, let alone four bells.” She sighed as she felt him slipping the towel out from where it was tucked between her breasts. She shivered when the cold air hit her bare body, Kaz was already stepping away from her, opening the door for the shower and keeping his distance from the drops that scattered over her skin. The shower door shut softly behind her and she let the water take her.

 

            The water crashed over her head, soaking her scalp and heating her skin back up. She didn’t hesitate to relish in the luxury, not minding Kaz’s eyes on her from his place back near the counter. The water urged her to relax her shoulders, let the tension release from her jaw, her neck. How was she going to do this?

 

            When she turned her head under the water, she saw scheming face. She saw Kaz’s eyes had focused on the steam now beginning to build on the glass between them, his mouth was set and his arms were crossed over his chest.

 

            “What is the scheme, mera chaar?” Inej asked quietly as she leaned for the shelf in the tile of the wall beside her, finding her bottles of soap already there. Kaz must have unpacked them for her this morning while she was still sleeping, it brought a slip of a smile back to her face. She’d done the same after he’d left the apartment in anger. As she’d tamed her hair into a braid, she’d set out his bag of shaving supplies on the counter after fishing them from a box in their bedroom. Balance, so much balance they brought to one another, even in the gray days of life.

 

            “You could do the sailing, rescue the people, and be back in Ketterdam in eight days? Assuming you had the help needed, nine maybe? Then you’d be able to go on your planned voyage a week later?” Kaz asked. Inej pondered as she lathered the soap through her hair, massaged her scalp.

 

            “Technically, yes. It would depend on the ship needing no repairs, but I assume it would even if I face no combat on the sea. I’d most likely need to dock back in Ketterdam for a few weeks, especially if I go through some of the supplies we already have, which are few. My new orders were just placed with the vendors, haven’t all come in, yet. I still had several to place, too. Everything would have to be pushed back, not to mention if those ships of Kane’s that are sailing to Ketterdam stay in the harbor. I might not be able to get back into my berth.” Inej sighed, took another breath.

 

It was a mess, a mess of ships and slavers and stolen people.

           

            “We cross that bridge when we come to it. Do you have enough supplies for a full crew to make the eight or nine days?” Kaz asked now. She squinted to see his eyes through the glass.

 

She saw a look she’d seen a thousand times, the look Kaz wore when he was placing the finishing touches on a plan she’d never have thought of. She had no idea what he was thinking, and it sent a little shock of thrill down her spine. She’d missed this, lately. Hadn’t been involved in his most recent job, and while she understood, she’d felt like she missed out. Even if it had earned her an engagement ring on her finger. A ring she’d not even remembered to take off as she showered. She’d need to get a chain, to wear it on her neck while on the ship. A distracting thought as Kaz began to nod, his shoulders lifting in pride.

 

            Oh no. He was proud of his scheme.

 

            “Tell me.” Inej said softly, his lips quirked up into a crooked grin.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            She had no idea how this had happened. No idea what was about to happen. All she knew was that she had hope, and she’d beat the clock to get here, somehow. Somehow, everything had fallen into line in the span of a four bell whirlwind.

 

Maybe, the Saints had blessed this mission of hers.  

 

            “Captain.” Greer nodded first as Inej walked up the gang plank, clad in boots and the threads of a Captain once more. She straightened her shoulders, adjusted her naval jacket as she smiled softly in return. She felt the weight of her ring hanging on a borrowed chain around her neck. Greer, Mira, Quinn, Specht, Cal, Lain, Aiden. Half her crew rounded down.

 

            Behind Inej, was another crew entirely.

 

            “I swear to the Saints, if you sing one more sea shanty before we even leave port, I’m going to kill you.” Nina glared at Jesper and his whistling as they passed Inej at the top of the gangplank. Wylan followed, sending Inej a nod and smiling with bright blue eyes. They all had bags draped over their shoulders, and weapons on their person. It was a welcome sight.

 

            Then, Inej felt a hand, only a brush of his knuckles against hers through leather.

 

            “Hello, Captain.” He whispered as he passed, clad in black and sin. Her toes curled in her boots as the tap of his cane faded amongst the people before her. Greer raised the gangplank.

 

             The crew she’d needed had been found, in the first one she’d ever had.

 

            “Ready the Sails, Specht. I’ll take the helm.” Inej said, voice loud and so proud.

 

            The Sea kissed the Wraith hello, and the wind wrapped her in a welcome embrace.

 

            “Good to see you, old friend,” Captain Inej Ghafa whispered in return, a smile on her lips.

Chapter 105: Extinguished

Summary:

Anika.

Notes:

Chapter 104.5 !

Hi guys!!! So. This one is different. This one is veryyyyy different. This is a little tidbit I thought of, and couldn't stop myself from sharing. I hope it's fun, I hope you enjoy it! It's literally the only "intermittent" chapter we'll have before the opening of season 5, which will be uploaded today as well. It was meant to be up last night but my internet was having a fit so I didn't get it up, but I wanted to get a little something up for you guys so I am uploading this from work and will do the real chapter later! I hope you understand and I hope you love this little glimpse!!! <333

Thank you as always, my loves. I appreciate you guys so so much.

I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU GUYS ON THIS. I have a collection of little chapters from the other Dregs i'd consider uploading to another story I'd probably title "The Dregs" if you were interested. <33

"Brown Eyes, Brown Hair" by Caleb Hearn (I just love Anika ok?)

ANIKA

 

            The High-Wire felt dreary tonight. A cloud hung over Ketterdam that had nothing to do with the lung-splitting smog. Smog that Anika Deviere had been bred, raised, and beaten in. She knew the Barrel like the back of her hand, knew every inch of Dregs territory like the scars over her arms and legs.

 

            Hell, she could tell you the name and age of half the peddlers, give you the exact time of day the shops opened, and what was safe to order from each seedy barrel diner.

 

            The Crow Club had been packed with tourists, busier than usual for a typical spring week night. She’d only managed to return to the Wire once more, but unlike how she’d started the day, now she was acting as boss, again. The Wraith had set sail, with the true leader of the Dregs in tow, only five bells earlier.

 

            Kaz Brekker was nothing short of her oldest friend in this world. No, that wasn’t quite right. Anika barely knew Kaz Brekker, but Dirtyhands? She knew him. Had thrown punches alongside him, had bled for him, and would do it again. Once, she’d convinced herself that because he was the person she’d known longest on this side of Ketterdam, that she wanted him. Wanted all his harshness that mirrored hers with a depth even she couldn’t dive into.

 

It had taken one look at Kaz Brekker, the man, for her to realize she never even knew him. It had sucked to realize, but damn it was true. Kaz was attractive to look at, and beyond that? She knew nothing. She’d never known him the way The Wraith knew him. She didn’t even know Dirtyhands as well as the spy on silent feet did, in all her shadow and stillness.

 

            Anika was worried. Worried for Dirtyhands and the Wraith, a ridiculous thought in and of itself. But somehow, underneath all this smog, she’d come to care for both of them. She no longer held any ounce of diluted affection for Kaz, but he was still one of the people she respected most in this world.

 

            Kaz Brekker was still the man who had taken her off the street. Still the man who had killed her father. Dear old da, once a mercher, turned leader of the Blacktips once upon a time. Dead since her fifteenth birthday, killed by Dirtyhands… with only his hands.

 

            Inej Ghafa had saved her life, at least one confirmed time. Anika was not naïve; she knew the Wraith did not tally. She knew Inej had probably saved all of their skins in the shadow more times than any of them could count. If the Wraith tallied her saves, the Dregs would be broke and blue in the face under the weight of life debt.

 

            “Boss again, eh?” Pim’s voice carried to Anika as she came to the third floor landing of the High-Wire. It was still strange, all of them here. All of them with quarters of their own, fresh floors and walls that would never leak. Kaz had given them all of this, too. Anika may prefer her bruised knuckles, her shaved half of her head, her ink proudly displayed next to the iron she packed, but she was still a creature of luxury. She had a bed bigger than herself now, a painting on the wall that mirrored the butterfly on her forearm. She knew Kaz had done it, maybe with Inej’s help, but she was smarter than to ever mention it.

 

            “Yes,” Anika sighed as she shrugged out of her rain drenched coat, the dark wool was new. She could afford things like new coats now. All of the Dregs could, another insane reality.

 

            Barrel Rats turned House Mice who could still kill a cat with a squeak. The Dregs had only sharpened with luxury; they had not grown lazy. Anika knew Kaz wouldn’t stand for it, and as lieutenant, neither would she.

 

            Anika flicked her gaze up in Pim’s silence. Her best friend in the world wasn’t known for silence, but she saw what he was looking at. She pulled her sleeve down faster than she should have, his eyes narrowed.

 

            “What happened?” Pim asked, his voice had always reminded her of clock towers, deep and lilting, always with a chime of his ever optimistic attitude. Her opposite, yet the most similar to her. It never made any fucking sense.

 

            “Some asshole in the Club, drunk off his ass. He was lucky Kaz wasn’t dealing. He wouldn’t have left with half the fingers I left him with. He only skimmed me with a pocket knife.” Anika answered, designing her lips into a sly grin. It was true, mostly. It hadn’t been a pocket knife, and she should have called for Rotty, who had been bouncing the doors. She hadn’t.

 

            As long as Anika could remember, she’d chased fire. Chased the rush in her veins. Flames were her oldest friends, and adrenaline the only lover she’d ever remained committed to.

 

            “How long is the boss out? I missed the meeting.” Pim answered dryly, his eyes didn’t leave her arm, now covered by a sleeve. She felt his eyes unwinding the bandage beneath, assessing her wound from ten feet away.

 

            It made her chest tighten. She shut it down, locked her defenses. Locked that butterfly in her stomach under glass, never to fly any higher. Not him. Pim was off-limits. Always. Anika tended to burn everything that came closer, and she refused to let her best friend follow her into the inferno. Better to find some tourist to warm her bed, some rich guy or girl she could steal some kruge off of, kruge she didn’t need. Her thieveries had long stopped being necessity, and now, were her rush. Her slip of ecstasy after a tumble in the sheets.

 

            “Eight or nine days. We need to keep our guard up, in case that pirate hunting the Wraith tries to pay us a visit.” Anika answered as she let herself sit down to the top step to untie her boots. Her wet socks were driving her fucking insane.

 

            “I think it’s good he went, personally.” Pim collapsed beside her, long legs stretched out in front of him. Anika could just make out the sounds of laughter from the foyer below, Arman and Dirix shooting the shit before their tour of Dregs territory that was now twice what it once was.

 

            Anika hated that she looked, truly. But her eyes snagged on Pim’s profile, his sharp jaw barely concealed by a sandy blonde beard that he always kept short, his slightly crooked nose that somehow made him look more rugged. More handsome, if she was honest. His eyes flashed to hers under thick mousy lashes.

 

            Fucking Hell. It was always the eyes, wasn’t it? She’d always loved Pim’s eyes. They were true gray, like the clouds above Ketterdam. The only difference was the rims of iridescent gold and amber around his irises, the only slip of his partial Shu heritage mixed with his Kerch genes. She never should have noticed. Adrenaline whispered to her, asking for a skip of conscience. Begging for a chance to find out if he wore cologne or if he just smelled like fucking peaches naturally.

 

            She sure as hell didn’t smell like peaches naturally.

 

            “Why’s that?” Anika refocused on her task, her boots. She caught the raise of his eyebrow in the corner of her vision. He always looked at her like that, as if he was a child, daring her to climb higher. Daring her to hold his eyes.

 

            She didn’t know when… when she’d noticed how he looked at her. Maybe, it had been when she’d seen the way Kaz looked at Inej. Dirtyhands looked at the Wraith like she was a ghezen-damned bank vault, begging to be unlocked. Looked at her like his match, his challenge. Pim looked at her like that. She just begged Ghezen that he never noticed how she’d looked at him, too. Off-limits. Forever.

 

            “He would have lost his fucking mind if Inej went down out there, and he could have gone. Rotty caught me up on that much from the meeting, about the fleet off the coast.” Pim answered as he toyed with a button of her coat resting beside her.

 

            Anika nodded idly, it was true.

 

            “I would have,” Pim continued in a whisper, at her glance, he shook his head and ran a hand over the back of his neck, averting her eyes. Why did he say that?

 

            “Anyways, I’ll see you tomorrow, boss.” Pim straightened before he hauled himself to his feet with a grin.

 

            “Where are you going? I didn’t have you on Club duty tonight. Or are you on patrol? I didn’t think Kaz finished doling out orders before The Wraith took off.” Anika tried to keep her voice nonchalant, the way they would have talked before Pim said things like “I would have”. She missed that. The ease of their years of friendship. The complexity was born of the way he looked at her. She wished he wouldn’t. Wished he would more often.

 

            “Just out. Working off some steam after the past two shifts.” Pim said easily with a shrug. He didn’t invite her. She could only gather what that meant. She didn’t like the bubble of jealousy that rose in her chest. She popped it with a needle of self-preservation.

 

            “Make sure whoever they are, that they don’t leave your apartment unless you’re with them. This is our new headquarters, after all.” Anika said more sharply than she meant to as she stood, boots in hand and coat thrown over her arm.

 

            She turned to walk up the stairs, but she swore she saw Pim wince.

 

            She definitely imagined the words.

 

            “Good to know where we stand, Nic.” He mumbled, footsteps already pounding down the stairs.

 

            Why’d he have to break out his name for her, that he’d given her when she was nothing more than a blonde tuft of barrel rage at sixteen?

 

            Why did she burn everything she came close to? Wouldn’t it be easier if he wasn’t storm cloud gray? Wouldn’t it be easier, if she could let his storm clouds closer, without fear of being extinguished?

Notes:

ANIKA. That's all.

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Chapter 106: Death's Song

Summary:

Season 5 premiere on the Sea.

Notes:

Chapter 106!!!!

HERE WE GO. SEASON FIVE, MY DARLINGS.

I know this is late, but I sincerely, cannot f*cking wait for the next few chapters. Like, moments I've dreamt of since the beginning are finally coming to pass. Finally. I just hope you love this one, and I hope you are as excited as I am. Really. Like, I'm acting calm, but I'm so not. This season. This season is the one I've written to get to. If that tells you anything. <3

Thank you guys. Thank you for being so patient with me, for being here. For supporting me. For sticking around to get to these moments I've dreamed of. Thank you eternally, may each of you always find your pillow to be cool when you lay down, may your favorite flowers be on discount every time you go to the super market, may your barista make your coffee just the way you like it, and may you all find an extra dollar in your wallet whenever you need it. You deserve it for being the best readers a little author could ever ask for.

ALSO thanks to everyone who came to my tiktok live the other night!!! It was so much fun to hang out with some of you and to feel like we were able to actually have conversations!! it was so freaking cool. I'd love to do another one if you guys want!!! <333

Drop me a comment with what you think!!!! I cannot wait to hear from you guys. Seriously, I'm like barely keeping myself from bursting at the seams and telling you what's about to happen.

"Men of War" by Brian Tyler (IT SETS UP THE NEXT ONE LISTEN I BEG, START WITH THE CROW"S NEST YOU'LL SEE WHAT I MEAN)

KAZ

 

            “I’m worried about her.” Specht sauntered up to Kaz’s position by the rail of the ship, out of the way of the constant flurry of motion provided by the crew doing the actual sailing of the Wraith. Kaz had been on board Inej’s ship for less than five bells, and yet he already had a better appreciation for the skeleton crew, doing twice the work they’d normally need in order to keep the Ship on course, keep the decks walkable, etcetera. Kaz had learned quickly to stay out of the way, Greer had almost shot him in his bad leg, he was certain.

           

            He’d scarcely spoken to Inej, who was currently at the wheel while simultaneously looking at a map held up by Quinn, her third in command. Kaz’s chest constricted every time he looked at her, his Captain. His home. Jesper and Nina had found themselves entertained elsewhere, as far as Kaz could tell. Probably below decks, but Wylan could be found tightening knots around the canons, occasionally helping one of Inej’s crewmates to fix riggings or secure the sails. As the only one amongst them who knew anything about sailing, Wylan still knew very little. Apparently Jan Van Eck had made sure his son had sailed aboard the fleet bearing their house crest at least once or twice before the elder Van Eck had decided Wylan no longer fit his plans for an empire.

 

            Kaz almost grinned, forgetting that Specht had spoken at all.

 

            “Why?” Kaz refocused as he cast his eyes back to Inej across the ship, the sun had peeked out, causing him to squint to find her small frame.

 

            “She’s hell bent, boss. Look, it’s not my place. She’s my Captain, and I’ll follow her till my last, but I think… I think she needs to hear someone tell her to slow down. To look at all the facts, we can’t just sail into port and take people off a ship without a solid footing. I’ve been a sailor a long time, the sea I can navigate with ease, but plans? I’d reckon you can do better in that area from what I saw in the Dregs.” Specht said, taking a gulp of air as he ran a hand over his beard, dusted in flecks of pepper with age.

 

            Kaz turned his head to eye Specht, an ex-naval officer who loved Inej like a surrogate daughter. He didn’t know what had loosened the man’s vocal chords enough to speak so freely to him, but Kaz only found appreciation that he’d garnered the mantle of Inej’s most trusted confidant, even on the sea.

 

            “I’m here to help her, but she’s the Captain.” Kaz answered, the only response he could believe in.

 

He knew what Specht meant, though. He knew Inej was seeing through a tunnel, her blinders up. He understood, he’d been the same way with Pekka Rollins. Still was, whenever he thought of what he might do to Tante Heleen, to Kane De Vries. While Kaz funneled his rage, Inej narrowed her sight with duty to her cause.

 

            They would make a plan, the moment the ship anchored to give the crew a few hours of rest at sea. No matter how hard they pushed, Kaz knew Inej would force them to rest. He hoped he’d convince her to do the same. As much as Inej eyed his self-care routine warily, she pushed her own mind and body to the same limits. She liked to think he didn’t notice, liked to ignore it. He didn’t. His purpose here on this ship was more than a crew and a plan.

 

            Kaz Brekker had earned himself the title of “emotional support”, somehow.

 

            After a moment, Specht nodded. The man shed one last look toward the Captain before he went to aid Greer with a task Kaz could only guess at. He was out of his element. Neither of the positions he’d held in his life, farm boy or barrel boss, had led him to learn a lick of sailing technique.

 

            Kaz stayed in the shadow of the sails at the rail, he watched. He kept out of the way as Inej’s crew buzzed around him, bees amongst their Queen.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            “Jesper, I like you. Really, I do. But I am a pirate, and I will toss you off of this ship if I hear another peep of “Belly Blues” from you, savvy?” Greer growled at the zemini from across the lanterns and barrels that had served as a makeshift dining table for Inej’s crew as well as the additions of himself, Nina, Jesper and Wylan. Kaz had finally sat, his leg sang praises once the ship became relatively still on the rough waves, the anchor was down, for at least the next three bells. The skeleton crew had sailed hard, for nine bells now.

 

            Wylan choked on a swig of water from a flask, or at the least what Kaz presumed was water. His face was red with laughter in the dim light of the lanterns, the light above them was smoky, the moon hidden in the shroud of storm clouds. Kaz was hardly paying attention as Nina piped in with a joke about Jesper’s singing and Quin passed around servings of dried fish and broth in tin cups. Inej had not joined them, and Kaz kept waiting. Inej had disappeared into her quarters with Specht after calling for the drop of the anchor.

 

            “Are you going to go look for her or just glare at everyone?” Wylan chirped quietly as he moved and plopped down onto the barrel beside Kaz, slightly removed from the rest of the crew. Kaz didn’t entertain an answer as he ran a hand over the side of his head. Then, Wylan was handing Kaz the flask, and a folded piece of parchment.

 

            Kaz raised a brow as he took both into his leathered hands. He took a swig of the flask, which was now confirmed to be water; he almost wished it wasn’t.

 

            “What is it?” Kaz asked of the paper, Wylan’s face remained impassive as he watched Nina gesturing wildly in an impersonation of Jesper while the rest of them laughed.

 

            “That is how you’re going to help Inej. I did a job of my own before we got on the ship, today.” Wylan smirked, expression tinged in amusement.

 

            Kaz narrowed his eyes, unfolded the parchment. His eyes widened, the depiction was perfect. To scale. Labeled, in Jesper’s scrawl, but the drawing was undeniably done by Wylan Van Eck.

 

            “This… this is the scale of Kane’s ships, his main fleet?” Kaz asked as he read the label at the top of the page, above the cross sections of each deck of the ship drawn beneath.

 

            “Turns out, Pekka fucked up. When he landed in Ketterdam with Inej and Khalid before the hanging, he registered the ship properly and legally to impress the Merchant’s council. I doubt I need to explain how sloppy that was, and I doubt Kane himself ever would have registered his ships, at least, not with the truth.” Wylan paused, Kaz felt his heart thumping as the Merchling rolled his shoulders back proudly.

 

“The ship Pekka sailed in on, we know also belonged to Kane’s fleet. With the registering, that means all of his manifests were turned over, including a layout of the ship. It was housed in the shipping library in the Harbor Master’s office, I copied it. All of it. That’s why the sketch is rough, I didn’t have much time, but it appears that the majority of Kane’s ships are laid out the same way, based on the information on record. Kane operates his fleet under the falsity of trade, which we knew, but that means all of his ships needed to look somewhat uniform to appear as spice vessels. They were all made by the same Shipwrights, based out of Noyvi Zem. I found the copies of other ships of the same make and craftsmanship, I stole those. They’re in my pack below deck. I would have stolen Pekka’s, or, excuse me, Jakob’s, original manifest, except we both know the Merchant Council is going to come calling for those sooner rather than later to cover up their business affiliation with Hertzoon. I didn’t want to raise any flags in ours or Inej’s direction.” Wylan finished, blue eyes blazing as he looked at the drawing of the ship in Kaz’s hands.

 

Kaz was shocked. Something that rarely ever happened in earnest. Wylan had schemed, schemed well. Perhaps Kaz wouldn’t mind sharing a kingdom with a Merch, after all.

 

“How? How did you break into the Harbor Master’s office alone, when we only gave you three bells to prepare to sail?” Kaz suppressed a laugh, a wild and reckless bubble in his throat that only arose in the face of a plan.

 

“Well, I wasn’t alone. I had the idea to go to the office after you and ‘Nej came to the house and asked us to help, but Jes was who got us in. He picked the locks, or, well, he manipulated the locks.” Wylan grinned, all white teeth and blush. “Then, he went into the cabinets first, showed me how they were color coded with blue, black or red ink so I didn’t have to read. I did the rest based off drawings and the dates alone. Numbers I don’t have a problem with, and I suppose you could say I’m detailed oriented. Jesper kept the Harbor staff occupied outside, acted like a lost Zemini trader whose spice had spilled into the harbor, a pretty fucking big mess.” Wylan laughed as his eyes looked back to the group huddled around the lanterns, now listening intently to one of Greer’s stories from a drunken brawl she’d been privy to, once upon a time. Kaz saw Wylan’s eyes latch with Jesper’s, then Jesper nodded once in Kaz’s direction, too. Clearly Jes knew what Wylan had given him. Kaz almost grinned.

 

“I hate you less than I did when we broke into your father’s safe.” Kaz said as he scanned the document he’d been gifted. Wylan laughed, took another drink of water.

 

“Now, it’s time for your part. At least, I’ve gathered that’s how we all function. I’ve given you a basic map, and now, you come up with something that’s only a pinch realistic and five parts insane, to get us in and out of those ships with all of our limbs and our lives. I’m sure I’ve just won you points with the Captain at the very least.” Wylan smirked.

 

Then, Kaz did laugh.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            Kaz had finally eaten, partially due to the fact that Nina had threatened to begin singing sea shanties with Jesper if he didn’t.

 

            That terrified him to his core, enough to bend to the Corpse Witch’s will.

 

Inej had left her cabin with Specht, a look on her face he hadn’t been able to decipher from across the deck. He’d spent the past bell occupied with Wylan’s gift, surveying and memorizing every detail he could. It was what he did best, analyze. When he’d started this journey with Inej only bells ago, he’d figured he would have to help her make a plan on the fly, but now, he wasn’t helpless. He could do this, he could find them a way that could get Inej’s people out, those she wished to save. Find a way to get them all in and out and back to Ketterdam.

 

            When Kaz looked up, his lantern was beginning to burn low, most of the crew had retired below deck to catch an hour of sleep before they’d begin sailing at a furious pace once more. The water whispered against the wood of the Wraith, rocking sailors into slumber and making Kaz miss the rock solid foundation of land and a desk that didn’t move with each broken wave.

 

            His eyes searched for Inej, only finding Jesper and Wylan across the deck, backs turned to him as they watched the water. Their hands were clasped, something private that Kaz diverted his eyes from. It felt personal, whatever looking over the water in silence meant to them.

 

            “Up. Would have thought you’d guessed that.” Specht said with a gruff chuckle as he walked past Kaz, hauling a loop of ropes over his shoulder, his pipe between his lips. Kaz ignored him, but his eyes looked above, where he could now see the slender outline of Inej in the Crow’s nest, legs dangling over the edge in the hazy moonlight.

 

            That’s why he’d felt her so damn close. She was above him. Kaz chastised himself, yes he should have known. Always look up for a Wraith.

 

            It took him fifteen minutes, and fifty curses about his knee, but he did it. He scaled that fucking tower to the Crow’s Nest.

 

            At the top, Kaz’s breath hitched. The Sea. Inej above the Sea, under moonlight. It went on forever, black waves and the faint glow reminiscent of spirits long departed. It was haunting, and strangely wonderful.

 

            “You came up.” Inej whispered without turning from where she sat, legs still dangling through the slats of the wooden nest.

 

            “Obviously, Wraith.” Kaz loosed a deep breath as he sat beside her, slipping his legs over the edge in a mirror to her own. He’d left his cane on the deck by the barrels, no need for it up here. It was then that Kaz realized Inej’s journal in her lap, a pen in her hand. She must have fished it out of the boxes before they’d left the High-Wire. Moving boxes, that they’d yet to unpack in their new apartment.

 

            “Don’t you think you could speak to me instead of writing to me, mera nadra?” Kaz asked as she turned her head to him. The breeze lifted the escaped pieces of black hair around her face, the coil at the back of her neck barely hanging on to its form. Inej laughed, twin crescents of moonlight reflected in her eyes.

 

            “I was only using it for paper… I wanted to write my parents. I didn’t get the chance to before we left Ketterdam. I wanted to tell them we’re engaged and…” Inej trailed off, bronze fingers toying with her ring on a chain borrowed from Marya Van Eck around her neck. Kaz saw the sadness in her eyes, the weight on her shoulders. He reached out, untied the leather strap in her hair to let her tresses fall over her shoulders. It earned him a smile, a sigh.

 

            “And what, Inej?” Kaz urged her to continue. He felt her burden in the air around them despite the sea breeze.

 

            “I wanted… I wanted to ask Mama to send us some of those little linen rugs, the ones she puts in front of the bathtub in the wagon. I thought we could have some, for our shower and the tub. I thought maybe she could also ask Nani to send some of her herbal teas, the ones she concocts herself, for us to have in our cabinets. I wanted… I wanted to be celebrating, Kaz. I wanted to be like anyone else, this once. Have the chance to write my parents, tell them I was happy and well, and tell them how much I can’t wait to marry you, too.” Inej finished softly, a sad light in her eyes despite her hopes being laid bare.

 

            His note. The one he’d left her in the journal, she’d found it. His chest warmed, his fingers brushed hair behind her small ear.

 

            He understood, now. Inej was mourning what should have been a night of them unpacking, of letter writing and sheer happiness. Something he still couldn’t believe he’d stolen from the safe of fate.

           

            “Khalid and Rahul, Marya, you think they’ll be safe, right?” Inej asked then, a slight shudder in her words.

 

            “They’re not in Ketterdam, Inej. They’ll be safe. Alys will probably sing them to death, worst case scenario.” Kaz tried with a smirk. This afternoon, Wylan had suggested they remove his mother and Inej’s family from Ketterdam, in case Kane De Vries did elect to make an appearance in Ketterdam with the arrival of the two vessels set for fifth harbor. Or, if the slaver sent any assassins for himself and Inej. So, they’d sent Khalid, Rahul, and Marya off in a carriage for the country house, where Wylan’s younger sister and step-mother resided. Far from Ketterdam, and away from any danger.

 

            “I should have been spending time with them, Kaz.” Inej sighed again as she fiddled with the pen in her fingers.

 

            “You will, Inej. We will. We’ll have time.” Kaz answered, certain and refusing any other possibility.

 

            “Promise me that we’re going to have a life, Kaz. A life besides our burdens and our titles,” Inej looked at him now, her lips in a line and her brows furrowed, in hope or fear, he didn’t know.

           

            “I already did, Inej.” He pointed to her ring, earning the smile he’d been hoping to coax from his trip up here. Inej leaned forward, left a kiss to his cheek.

 

            He felt his skin heat, sometimes, it still seemed like a fever dream. That she could do such a thing, and he could be perfectly warm, dry.

 

            “Wylan gave me something useful…” Kaz began, only to see Inej’s face pale. Her hand shot up, keeping him silent. Her eyes were trained on the sea. Her hand reached into her naval jacket’s pocket, fishing out a spyglass that she pointed to the horizon with deadly precision.

 

            The wood creaked on the mast, the sails flooding with the gush of wind. Kaz felt goosebumps raise on his arms, even under his coat. Inej’s hair lifted in a halo of shadow around her face.

 

            “It was a trap.” Inej whispered as she lowered her spyglass, eyes wide and posture like a needle.

 

 

 

 

 

            Thunder roared in the distance. A warning. An announcement.

 

 

 

 

 

            Kaz was wrong, it had never been the plague sirens.

 

This was the sound Death made when she came calling.

Notes:

SORRY. (I didn't leave the finale on a cliffhanger though, just the premiere. So that's character growth right? ;) )

OR IS THIS MY VILLAIN ORIGIN STORY? heheheheheh

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Chapter 107: Storm Of Saints

Summary:

A battle in the Sea and Sky.

Notes:

Chapter 107!!!

I'm not late uploading. Can you believe that? I can't. Anyways.... this one is big. Not necessarily length wise, but it is over 4k. But it's big and bold and a baddie of a chapter. I hope you love it. I have poured heart and soul into it, and i hope you love it. <3 When I say i've waited for this season, I meant it. The next few, this one included, are big. Big big. Maybe bigger than the end of season 4.

Thank you guys, as always. I love you all and I know I'm a broken record, but i mean it. Your support has brought not so good days into better light, like today. If i could show you my heart, it would be all of your comments pinned to the walls. I can't thank you enough for being here. I'll never stop saying it. I just hope you know that I'm doing my best to get back to comments, here, on tumblr and tiktok. I know i'm behind, i promise i care. I've not forgotten. I feel so bad that i'm behind, but I promise i'll get caught up. Thank you for being patient. <3

I'd love it if you could leave me a comment, let me know what you thought. You have no idea how much your responses fuel authors like me. It means so much, every time. I can't wait to hear what you thought. <3

"King Arthur: Legend of the sword" by Daniel Pemberton (for the first 3/4)
"Hold On" by Chord Overstreet (for the end)

INEJ

 

            The sky split in half, splinters of the Saint’s anger painted the clouds in gashes of purple. The rain was coming, the sea was growing reckless, furious in her waves against the Wraith. Inej had sailed in storms, Inej had never attempted to sail through a storm on the Kerch coast, nor had she ever thought to run from a fight.

 

            Two ships were on the horizon. Ships that had been waiting for her to fall into their trap of masts and snapping sails, teeth against the night.

 

            The ships had intended to be seen by Specht’s friend, by any ship heading into Ketterdam. It had been a plan to lure the Wraith out of harbor. These two ships had never docked in fifth harbor hours after the Wraith had left, like they’d all believed. Instead, these ships were here, intending to sink the Wraith and her Captain. Kane De Vries had outsmarted her, had learned her, from a distance. He’d planted the seed of stolen people, knowing Inej would go after them. What was worse, was that he’d not lied. Specht’s friend had seen it, seen those people being shuffled aboard a ship on the fleet that had split from these other two vessels. Those people were still out there, still being taken to auction on the other side of Kerch, to the inland city of Belendt, the next major city of Kerch in comparison to Ketterdam. Kane had counted on her following. She had.

 

            She’d failed. She’d failed all of them. Now, Jesper and Wylan, Nina, and Kaz were aboard her ship, destined for the sea floor, as well.

 

            No. She could not give up. Would not. Not even as her bones turned brittle, her stomach churned in hatred. No. They would make it out, even if she did not. Kaz would live. She would accept nothing less from the Saints. If that made her a poor believer, so be it.

 

            “Two leagues out, Captain. That’s it. They must have kept their lanterns subdued in the past few bells since the sun sank, cut across the current somehow. We didn’t see them, not once, before we dropped anchor.” Quinn swallowed as she lowered her spyglass from her spot portside. Her third in command glanced over her shoulder toward Mira, her wife and the Wraith’s only medic.

 

            Inej looked up from her compass, toward the sky. The atmosphere felt heavy despite the roaring wind against the sails.

 

 

Creaks and groans of wood and rope reminded Inej of her own inner-workings. How her heart beat in these waves, how her mind demanded to be set free, like the sails above her.

 

            “We can’t outrun ‘em in the storm. No way if we sail toward those clouds, not with how many we have. I doubt I’d even recommend it with a full crew.” Specht voiced from beside her. Inej nodded slowly as she glared at the black clouds beckoning her; beckoning her to do something decidedly Wraith-like.

 

            Inej dropped her gaze to those surrounding her at the helm of the Wraith. Specht was beside her on the right, Kaz on her left. She could feel the brush of his jacket against her shoulder. Could feel his need to speak, even in his silence. For once, the people before them were looking to her for command, and he was her equal, even in the place of ‘second’. A warped mirror of the Dregs. Jesper was tapping the revolvers in his holsters that sat low on his hips, the burgundy of his jacket the brightest color for miles. His eyes were held on Wylan’s profile beside him. Nina was gripping the rail beside Quinn, a distant look etched into her face. Inej knew why.

 

Nina had been in a shipwreck before. She knew what the water could do, had looked into the eyes of the tide and seen true abandonment. Kaz had, too.

 

Wylan’s eyes were clear, latching onto Kaz’s. Inej didn’t quite understand, but they somehow mirrored each other in assessment of the situation. Calculated coolness. Greer was already toying with a knot, tightening the hold of the barrels on board in the increase of motion. Lain and Cal were eyeing the ships on the horizon, gazes flickering back to Inej every so often. Their amber eyes were narrowed not in fear, but in anger. Inej understood. The siblings hailed from Shu Han, before their families had been murdered in a slaving raid on the Pearl coast.

 

“Heading, Captain?” Greer turned, her blue eyes reminded Inej of the sky as the sun began to rise. Dark blue, a color reminiscent of her best shooter’s spirit. Best shooter, normally at least. Now, Jesper Fahey was aboard.

 

Inej felt Kaz’s hand slip to the small of her back, out of sight from the others. She felt his fingers draw an ‘X’. A line in the sand, she realized. She understood the communication, a symbol he’d drawn to her behind his back thousands of times, as she spied on parlays from the rooftops of Ketterdam. It meant that they were going to make a stand against whichever opposition was in front of them.

 

Now, Kaz drew that mark into her spine. It jolted her senses, she rolled her shoulders back with a deep breath. She made a choice.

 

“Ready the canons. Lift our anchor.” Inej said, raising her voice over a crash of thunder in the distance.

 

“We’re running?” Nina turned suddenly, her expression both hopeful and dreadful. Mira was nodding. Quin looked conflicted.

 

“I think it’s probably for the best, we might be able to out sail them away from the storm, back toward Ketterdam.” Cal spoke up, his voice a true bass tone. Deep, heavy. Cal was of few words, and had only seen one voyage on the Wraith with his sister, Lain. Inej had learned little of the two, save for their drive to see the Slave trade put under the sea permanently. It was enough for her, they were loyal.

 

“No. We’re sailing toward them. We will not beat them back to Ketterdam in the waves of the storm, not without risking our lives just as much as if we face them.” Inej answered as she felt her thighs, her forearms, internally listing the Saints matching her blades.

 

“You cannot be serious; you’ve spent too much time with that one.” Greer eyed Kaz, who promptly rolled his own eyes with a huff.

 

“There’s two ships much larger than ours, and we’re going to sail directly through them, with canons pointed at us?” Lain asked, a black brow raised, thin lips pursed.

 

“We are.” Inej replied in the tone of a Captain.

 

“Have we ever run from anything?” Quin spoke up against another crash of thunder, the waves were growing fierce against the ship. Her red hair swayed in the wind, conviction underlined each word. Inej could always count on Quin.

 

“We have not run before. Every single one of us has been led to this ship, to this sea, for one reason or another. We sail with a cause, and if we run, we abandon those we swore to protect. If you wish to take your chances on the lifeboat, be my guest. You won’t be welcomed back.” Inej regretted the words, and yet, she meant them. She would not run. Not now. She made it clear as she met each pair of eyes and held their gaze.

 

“You run, you die a coward. You stay, you die free.” Kaz spoke for the first time, voice harsh and rasping. Inej shivered. Dirtyhands. They all knew it when they looked at Kaz, his raven hair had fallen to his forehead. His eyes had seemingly darkened, like his brethren of dorsal fins and snapping teeth in the sea below them. A shark.

 

“We live to sail another day, and this will be the tale we tell in the taverns, lads.” Specht lifted his chin, the senior of all of them, and well respected.

 

“For fucks sake of course we aren’t running.” Jesper laughed, iron eyes shining. “You all have clearly not spent much time with your Captain’s first crew.”

 

“Seconded.” Wylan replied with a very impressive crooked tilt to his lips, one that ranked close to Kaz’s trademark grin.

 

“Well, I suppose there’s no chance of us losing numbers unless I die.” Nina sighed as she released the rail and undid the cloak snapped around her shoulders, revealing her kefta beneath to the rest of the crew sporting wide eyes, save for Specht and the Dregs. Nina was revealing herself as second army, both to the crew, and to the enemy. An intimidation tactic of a soldier. Matthias would be proud to see her, now.

 

“Tell me you’re a tidemaker.” Greer laughed wildly.

 

“Learn your colors, pirate. I’m not a tidemaker.”

 

“Then what are you?” Lain asked.

 

“I’m what you call… the last line of defense.” Nina smirked, and Inej heard a low chuckle of stone under Kaz’s breath. His hand had not left her back.

 

“Anchors up!” Inej yelled, as the sky began to fall in droplets of icy black rain. They would sail, and they would engage. They may die, but Inej knew, it would be a worthy death. It would be a worthy cause to live and die for, as it always had been. If they sailed out of this, those people might live. She might rescue them.

 

“Canons!” Quin shouted in tandem, the crew dispersed, gears of a machine well-oiled.

 

Inej turned and walked back toward the helm, posture straight. She would not run. This Sea was her spirit, and on her back, she could still feel the moon’s gaze.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The warning shot came from the portside as water crashed against the Wraith, jostling those unaccustomed to the Sea. Inej looked over her shoulder as she steered, Kaz was gripping the rail, still standing.

 

“A moment, Inej.” He yelled to her through the drape of rain. He walked to her on unsteady feet, but determined to remain vertical in the Sea and sky’s onslaught.

 

“What?” Inej turned to look at him, raindrops running down her face. The shouts of the crew were almost undistinguishable through the waves and thunder. The knock of another cannonball into the water portside. His eyes were dark pools of ink, a slice of lightning illuminated his pale cheekbones.

 

Before she knew what was happening, he kissed her, her face soaking wet in the rain as his hands cupped her cheeks in damp leather. It was not a chaste kiss, it was branding and claiming and yet, somehow, kind.

 

It was a kiss goodbye; a kiss, just in case.

 

“I love you.” He whispered as he pulled away, his cane barely bracing him upright.

 

“Don’t. Tell me after.” Inej growled as she tried to pull him back to her, her hands finding empty air instead of his jacket sleeve.

 

Kaz Brekker would not kiss her like that just for her to die. It was not an option. She’d come back from the dead for another kiss like that. A kiss that she thought might have been Kaz Rietveld, without his demons.

 

“Make sure not to leave without me.” Kaz whispered, already backing away toward the ladder to the main deck below the helm. His eyes flickered over her, as if he were committing her to memory. She did not like that. Not one bit.

 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean? Kaz!” Inej shouted, a crack of thunder drowning her own voice out. He was gone, climbing down the slick ladder and out of her sight within seconds. For a man with a bad limb and no sea legs, he was faster than she had expected.

 

It felt like being in the incinerator shaft all over again, only this time, the fire was rising beneath her, threatening to burn everything she loved. This time, she didn’t have Kaz’s gloves on her hands to hold her steady.

 

Kaz had never said goodbye before, but this time, it felt like he had. He hadn’t just let go.

 

 

JESPER

 

            There was no telling how many canons were pointed directly at them as the Wraith drew close in between two opposing vessels. The tiny frame of Inej’s war ship allowed them to cut it close. That’s when Jesper understood Inej’s plan.

 

            Being this close, the ships couldn’t fire the canons without risking damage to their own ships, both from debris, and if the Wraith caught fire from the blast. They’d be forced to swing out, gain footing to fire their weapons. Well, at least the ones that were not handheld.

 

The smaller guns? Those were being popped off like the coins tossed by Mr. Crimson on the fucking Staves. Jesper’s included.

 

Nonetheless, Inej had schemed them a way through the ships, a buying of time to take out as many of the slavers on either side as possible, without cannon balls to worry about.

 

The shouting was dim in comparison to the onslaught of the down pour against the slick wood deck. The lanterns had all but died, leaving the Wraith illuminated only in the foreign ships’ lights and the occasional cluster of lightning bolts from above. Gun shots were like fireworks, ghosts made metal in the night.

 

“Intruders!” Greer shouted over the din of bullets, steering Jesper from his position at the starboard side to focus his attention on the rising of limbs on the port, over the rail of the ship.

 

Fuck, they must have gotten more ropes attached.Jesper had already sliced through two attempts from the other ship. He’d killed the men with bullets, too. He’d been more focused on his manipulation, though. Cannons were all metal components, easily pliable when it came down to it. Jesper had been slowly working through the starboard side, aiming his attention to the ship across from him, twisting gears out of place on their cannons. If they got far enough away to fire them, they’d backfire. He needed to knock as many opportunities down as he could.

 

He should have honed his skill more. He should have been able to do this faster. Maybe he should have listened to his Zowa nature, sooner.

 

            Jesper fired a shot into the shoulder of a man across the way before he began to slide across the ship toward Greer. The ship was rocking, the sea breakneck in her waves. He caught site of Nina raising her hands to the ship he’d been working on, raising two or three corpses on enemy terrain.

 

            Where the fuck was Wylan? There had been not a single explosion. Merchling, come out and play.

           

            Jesper swore as he saw Inej running, running on the rail of the ship toward Greer, despite the rain and the rocking of treacherous water. Only the acrobat could accomplish such a gravity-defiant feat. Specht had taken the wheel to guide them through the battle, and even as Jesper raced on nervous legs, he was not close enough to help Greer, who was now over run with the opposition infiltrating the Wraith.

 

            “Saints help them all,” he whispered sarcastically to the enemy men trying to climb onto the ship.

 

They lost fingers on the rail, one by one as saintly blades caught the gleam of lightning. The slavers knew of The Wraith. They had never met her in flesh and blood rather than wood and sail.

           

            “They’re swinging out, Captain!” Quin announced from somewhere behind Jesper, just as he lined up his shot. His senses zeroed in on the bullet in the chamber, whispering sweet nothings against the coolness of metal.

 

            One breath in.

 

            One bullet out.

 

            Jesper’s bullet landed in the soft part of his target’s brow, just as he’d begun to reach for Inej’s unknowing ankle. A smile erupted on Inej’s face as she found Jesper in the chaos. It was a smile that reminded him of Kaz, all parts deadly and triumphant. Or maybe, the smile reminded him of Inej when he saw it on Kaz’s face. He wasn’t sure.

 

            Where was Kaz? Kaz and Wylan were MIA.

 

            “Can I trust you to make an impossible shot on the ship swinging out?” Inej was now before him, breathing heavy. Jesper tried to wipe rain uselessly from his brow as he grinned.

 

            “Obviously, love.”

 

            “They have their rum top side. Caskets of it, Jes. So much flammable target, right there for the taking” Inej pointed, her teeth shown white in the fluorescent drip of lightning in the bleeding sky.

 

            “Oh, Inej. You always think of the most fun pass times. We really should make a date of it. Maybe every Tuesday night? Say six?” Jesper grinned as he turned to line up the shot.

 

            “No fucking way you can make it from this far.” Greer ran up to them, breathless and bloodied, but standing.

 

            “Either I do or we’re about to be kindling in their cannons. Best bet on me, dove. I’m the best shot you have.” Jesper winked, not bothering to look at his aim this time.

 

            The explosion was magnificent in its own grotesque sort of way. Wylan would be proud. Where was he?

 

            “One down.” Inej whispered as she ran off, toward Quin who was now shouting of another influx of intruders.

 

            “If only the other ship had made such an error, too.” Greer sighed, only then realizing just how many had begun to infiltrate the ship in their focus on the starboard side.

 

            It was too fucking many. Too many. They were so few.

           

            Jesper loaded his revolvers.

 

            “No mourners!” He shouted as he ran, sliding on the wet deck once more.

 

            To his surprise, he heard the sentiment returned, from all around him.

 

            “No funerals!” Voices called in battle.

 

            There was only one problem.

 

            He didn’t hear Wylan. He didn’t hear Kaz. There was no explosion of a bass drop to his symphony of bullets. There was no hammer of a cane against skull to match his tempo. There was the slice of blade, the creaking of bones and flesh rising to fight once more, but that was it.

 

The song was incomplete. Wylan had taught him enough about music to know that much.

           

 

INEJ

 

            There were so many, Kane’s ship needed to be sunk. There had to be a way. Inej was fighting her way through flesh and bone, the rain her faithful curtain of darkness as she stalked each target. Nina was raising those she fell, but there had to be forty men on the deck of the Wraith, now. The ship had been stocked with the forces of two ships, at least. Kane had not underestimated her in his assassination attempt. The slavers had gotten too many ropes tied to the sides of her ship, too many had gotten across. Her forces were small, those fighting and those keeping the ship moving.

 

            Kaz? She’d not seen him. Where was he? His cane had not felled one man, she tried to keep her eyes on the target. A jab left, a feign right. Jugular. Calf, chest, neck, snap.

 

            She’d not expected the explosion. A trinity of bombs on the opposing ship, embers raining down right alongside the water. Jesper hadn’t shot anything on the ship, he was busy felling men right alongside her, revolvers burning hot.

 

            “Wy,” Jesper mouthed, his eyes catching on the fire in the sails across from them.

 

            For a moment, Inej was frozen. Frozen as she watched men on the other ship begin to jump to the sea, the only escape from the inferno in the hurricane. She was frozen as she spied two figures crawling on a rope across from the sinking vessel, teetering over dark water in the shadow of the helm, far away from the action.

 

            “They’re okay.” Inej breathed, catching both Jesper and Nina’s attention as she pointed subtly in between another jab to the neck of slaver.

 

            “I’m going to kill them.” Nina muttered as she raised the corpse from the ground and sent him on a mission to assist Quin and Lain.

 

            “I agree.” Jesper glared toward Wylan and Kaz as they began to climb over the side of the ship, safe.

 

            “Time for that later, we still have this lot.” Inej muttered as she charged a group of three, Sankta Alina’s hilt was slick with crimson in her hand.

 

            A moment later, Inej heard the fissure of skull, as it met the metal of crow’s head.

 

            “Oh, welcome.” Inej sneered as she kicked out a leg, connecting with the groin of a slaver who toppled like a card house. Relief flooded her chest at the sound of his coarse chuckle.

 

            “Oh you know me, darling. I love to make my appearance at the last second.” Kaz grinned, blood slipped from a cut on his brow. He was bruised and his lip was split, but he looked well. He and Wylan must have been fighting on enemy lines. Inej couldn’t help but laugh as he donned his brass knuckles over the leather of his glove. She could only be grateful that Kaz and Wylan happened to be on the ship without the explosion of rum barrels. Thank you, Saints.

 

            The fight raged on, corpses fighting on the side of justice, bullets popping, hand grenades smoking. A cane and a blade breaking flesh, side by side until they were forced apart in the fury of battle.

           

            “Jesper!” Wylan shouted in the haze of smoke and rain. Inej whipped her head to the side to find Jesper, trying to reload his revolver. His head shot up, looking for Wylan, distracted. She didn’t understand Wylan’s shout until a hand reached over the side of the ship, yanking on Jesper’s shirt for leverage. One of the men who had jumped overboard, trying to find haven from the sea aboard the Wraith.

 

            Time slowed as another hand slid around Jesper’s side, a knife in its fingers. A knife that slipped between Jesper’s ribs and came back bloodied.

 

            The sharp shooter howled in agony, but his screams faded as the man pulled him over the side of the ship, the crash of his body into the water not even heard against the storm.

 

            She wasn’t close enough. Jesper would be sucked into the undertow of the sinking ship, wounded and drowning.

 

            “Jesper!” Wylan’s ruined scream broke every ounce of her spirit as she began to charge. She never wanted to hear that sound again.

 

 

Sankt Petyr found its mark in Jesper’s assailant’s throat as he fell to the deck in a puddle of bones. The slaver had reached salvation only to find destruction.

 

            No. No. No. No. Not Jesper. Not any of them. No.

           

This water was a death sentence, freezing and treacherous in the heart of the storm. Sinking ships with claws of current, begging to bring everything down with them. Nothing would rise back up from that if it went below the surface. Jesper. A rope, a rope could help him…

 

A cane fell to the side of the rail, knocked over by the force of Kaz Brekker jumping over board, a flurry of a black blazer fell to the deck in his wake.

 

The thunder was a bump in the night compared to splintering sound in her chest.

 

“No,” she whispered, as she fell to her knees in the mist of rain and blood.

 

She never knew what it felt like, to feel the water rise around her. She was gasping for air, her heart hammering in her chest. Kaz drowned like this, all the time.

 

Grief had come to drown her, and Inej didn’t know if she could stand back up. Kaz was always the stronger of the two of them.

 

The world shifted as Inej Ghafa screamed into the night, his name shattering from her lips.

 

The moon fell from the sky, and into the sea.

 

 

 

 

 

KAZ

 

            He was either crawling out of the water with his brother this time, or not at all.

 

            I’m sorry, mera nadra. I heard you. In the next life, I’ll find you. We’ll have time.

Notes:

forgive me.

come yell at me on my socials, i deserve it:

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Chapter 108: Hell or High Water

Summary:

The answer. The reason.

Notes:

Chapter 108!

Surprise. I'm here with part two of the last chapter, twenty-four hours later. Can you believe it? I hope you can forgive me for the previous chapter. I hope you are as excited for what is coming as I am. This one is shorter, I suppose, at 4k, but it's major. So is the next one. I hope you love it. I hope it heals. <3

Thank you, forever. Thank you for everything. I'll keep it short this time, but you all mean the world to me.

Please, I beg you. Let me know what you think. Let me know because this chapter damn near broke me, y'all. I beg you.

"Tessa" by Steve Jablonsky (It gave me the chills. I hope it has the same affect for you.)

KAZ

 

            In his veins, water sloshed. In his heart, ice thawed.

 

            Demons long dormant thrashed against their gilded cage of adrenaline, Kaz had dropped the key to the cage to the sea floor.

 

            “You useless lug of sharpshooter, stay the fuck awake.” Kaz Brekker breathed, Jesper’s arms were wrapped over his shoulders, their heads barely above the water, their legs screaming against the current of a sinking ship. Pieces of wood had fallen to the water, ablaze or sinking. There wasn’t a raft beyond Kaz’s shoulders. He’d be the raft. He’d get Jesper back to that ship.

 

            Help me, Jordie. Help me one more time. I know I let you go, but I need your help. One more time. One more breath. One more stroke of my arms. Push me from below, get Jesper there. I can’t lose you both. I can’t do it, Jordie. I won’t make it out of that.

 

 I’m not strong enough.

 

The sky was black, the smoke cover blacker, the water blackest. It was too much, too much liquid and smoke fumes. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t keep going.

 

“It’s not easy for me either.” Inej’s voice was a caress against his senses, a memory of a time he’d failed. A time he’d won. He had to make it back to her, he’d heard her scream.

 

“’Nej,” Kaz wheezed as he tried to swim, his leg was useless, and yet, he moved another foot.

 

All at once, it began. A spiral of images in his mind’s watered-down eye.

 

His Da’s smile as he piled fluffy cake on to cracked plates for him and Jordie.

 

Inej’s laugh in the windowsill of the attic, her hair lifted in the wind.

 

An image of all of them, cramped into a tomb on Black Veil, eating stale crackers and sharing stupid quips over blueprints of sugar silos. He remembered seeing it for the first time, that he had friends.

 

“Swim, Demjin.” “Swim, Kaz. You’re the little brother, you have to live.” “Come home, lover.”

 

            “I’m trying, ‘Nej. I’m trying Jordie. I’m trying Helvar,” Kaz croaked, as another wave threatened to drown them.

 

 

“Kaz,” Jesper coughed blood into the water over his shoulder, the drops crimson against his white shirt plastered to his shoulder. A real voice. “Drop me, drop me.” Jesper wheezed. Kaz couldn’t tell if the man was actually awake, he’d been in and out of consciousness. Jesper had drowned, nearly. Kaz had pulled him from the under current with a flip of a single finger to the Saints, to Ghezen, to his demons.

 

“You’re fucking insufferable. You know what, Jes? I hate color. Hate it. Can’t fucking stand it. Your favorite yellow pants? Ugly as all hell. Stay here and fight with me about it.” Kaz gulped air as he spoke, ignoring the flesh that brushed his hands as he pushed a corpse out of their path.

 

“You love my yellow pants.” Jesper coughed again, his voice weak and barely a whisper.

 

“No, I absolutely do not. You know what else I think? You are a terrible singer. Worst I ever heard.” He made it another foot. Talking helped.

 

Kaz had no idea if they were going in the direction of the Wraith, through the rain and smoke, the thunder and ashes.

 

It was all ashes around Kaz, and the irony wasn’t lost to him. He didn’t want it all to burn, anymore.

 

“Kaz, tell Wy I love him. Tell him I love him, please tell him. Tell him I hid his maroon sweater in his bag, because he forgot it on the table at home. I knew he’d get cold on the ship.” Jesper gripped Kaz’s shoulders, but his clutch was growing loose, his presence fading behind Kaz.

 

“Tell him yourself, you prick.” Kaz growled as he coughed up water from the wave caressing his chest.

 

“Tell Neens she’s pretty.” Jesper wheezed through a cry of pain. Kaz could feel warmth, through the freezing water. Blood from Jesper’s wound.

 

“Never.” Kaz replied. He couldn’t stop moving. They had to keep going.

 

“’Nej is perfect for you. She’s so much better than us.” Jesper choked as the water threatened to submerge them. Kaz barely was able to reach one arm up under Jesper’s leg to keep him against his back.

 

“Not telling her that either, she’ll leave me.” Kaz tried to joke. His eyes were watering, and not from the smoke.

 

“Thank you for coming for me, aranhi.” Jesper whispered against Kaz’s shoulder. He ignored the bile rising in his throat. Jesper never spoke zemini.

 

“What does that even mean?” Kaz’s leg burned as he made a swift stroke through a brief break in the waves.

 

“Brother. You. Kaz, let me go. Give my Da my love.” Jesper’s blood was pouring from his mouth. He needed the medic. Now. Jesper was sputtering and choking, the water around them too black to see what Kaz suspected. They were treading in Jesper’s blood.

 

“Don’t you fucking dare, aranhi.” Kaz swiveled in the water as Jesper’s arms dropped their hold on him, too weak to hang on.

 

“Your last words to me will not be in a language I don’t even understand. Fuck that. You and Inej are awful at that.” Kaz grimaced as he hauled two hundred pounds of zemini over his shoulder like a child, adrenaline shooting through his veins in a succession of match tips set ablaze.

 

Jesper was silent.

 

In the shadow of the embers on a passing piece of debris, Kaz saw black sails. The Wraith.

 

“Fuck you, Saints. You hear me? He lives. He has to.”

 

Kaz was barely breathing, but he was swimming. Just as he always had.

 

            Then, the rope was floating in the water, right in front of his face. As Kaz gripped salvation, he smelled the fields of Lij.

 

            Jordie came through, one last time. Kaz believed in that much.

 

           

WYLAN

 

            No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

 

            Jesper. Jesper was coming back. Jesper always made it. Jesper always made it. Jesper could charm himself out of death’s arms, if he had to. Jesper could always talk, always chat and laugh and sing and dance.

 

            They had a life, now. Wylan Van Eck had a life. A life filled with music and promise and laughter. A life the teenage boy hoping for music school had dreamed of. A life, that’s what Jesper had promised him on their first night together, in his bed as they laid side by side and breathless.

 

            “We’re going to fucking live, Wy. We’re going to live. I’ll read to you. You’ll sing to me. Together, we’ve got this.” Jesper had laughed as he wrapped his dark arms around Wylan’s frame.

 

            Wylan had learned what that meant, these past two years. Wylan had remembered what sunshine felt like and had laughed more than his entire life combined before he’d met Jesper Fahey. His mother had come home, Jesper had joined them. A family, a little broken, all in their own ways, but still true. Like the unexpected chime of a bell in the all-string symphony. Beautiful in its crack of illusion.

 

            “I can… Do you want me to see if I can sense them? I can… I can make sure their bodies get back here.” Nina whispered from behind him, her voice quiet and broken.

 

            “One more minute.” Wylan sniffled, his tears felt like cracks in his skin, fissuring and demanding and permanent.

 

            Inej was silent. Silent where she kneeled, with her hands clasped together as if in prayer, a rope was wrapped around her hands as she stared at the side of the ship.

 

            Wylan didn’t know what either of them would do. What any of them would do. Jesper would know what to say, what joke to make to lift their spirits. He’d grin, all white teeth against deep brown skin, and they’d all feel just a little better. Jesper would be buzzing with energy, holding up their hope on his shoulders, as he always had.

 

            Jesper was glue, through and through. Jesper was tough when it came time, and he was pliable when he needed to bend. Wylan admired his partner more than he’d ever admired another human. Jesper had lived through so much, had fallen from grace, and crawled his way back with only the grit of his teeth and the vigor of his soul.

 

            The world had gone gray; no longer the shining silver of the sharp shooter’s eyes. Wylan felt like he was in the cross-hairs of fate, ready to be entirely obliterated.

           

            “It’s been too long…” Nina said softly through a choke of her breath. Wylan knew she was crying, too. He felt eyes on them. Wylan didn’t care. The last of the slavers had been murdered by Quin and her hand axes, by Greer and her pistols. Inej’s crew were standing around them, they’d dropped the anchor once more.

 

It felt like a shield, these people surrounding himself and Inej. Once the shield opened, it would all be real. Wylan and Inej would be dust, under the crashing winds of a hurricane born of sheer grief.

 

            “He always escapes. He always escapes.” Inej was whispering to herself now, her shoulders shaking. Wylan couldn’t see her face, didn’t want to. If he saw her face, he’d know. He’d know what his own looked like. They couldn’t look at each other, then, it would be authentic, true.

 

            Kaz Brekker was Inej Ghafa’s everything, just as Jesper was his. It had always been Dirtyhands and The Wraith. All of Ketterdam knew that. Only the people here today knew what that really meant, as they watched their Captain, their friend, fall. Wylan had never seen Inej fall. It terrified him.

 

            “I don’t see anything.” Greer said quietly, lowering her spyglass as she stood at the rail next to the slack rope.

 

            Nina began to raise her hands, to test those threads of death that would call Kaz and Jesper home, had their souls departed. It was the final chord of Wylan Van Eck’s symphony of tragedy.

 

            “Don’t. Please, Nina. Please don’t. Just one more minute.” Inej was begging, her voice all wrong, shattered and entirely too small. She turned her head, and Wylan saw it. Saw the wrecked pieces of Inej Ghafa’s soul falling down her cheeks, her brown eyes glassy and tortured. Inej was sniffling as she tightened the rope around her hand, where her fingers were red and raw, she’d gripped it too tightly.

 

            “Honey, I know.” Nina stepped forward, her brown hair had escaped it’s tie and blew around the Corpse Witch in a curtain.

 

            “Please come back.” Inej shuddered as she pulled on the rope, hoping for it to tighten.

 

            “They couldn’t have survived in the water this long, Cap…” Specht moved toward Inej, his own eyes hazy with unshed tears.

 

            “You don’t know him! He’s done it before!” Inej shouted before her head bowed once more. Wylan had no idea what Inej meant, but it was guttural, raw. He believed her. Specht swallowed, Wylan saw the burly man’s eyes dart to the others, gave them a small nod to tell them to give her time.

 

            Wylan fell to his knees, too. After all, who was he? A prodigy? An apprentice? A leader? No. He was just Wylan Van Eck. He’d hoped to be Wylan Fahey. He would have liked to continue their empire under a new name. A better one.

 

            He thumbed the ring in his pocket. He’d gotten it made for Jesper, a silver band, not opposing, nothing special to anyone who would see it on a finger. On the inside of the ring, he’d made sure that was special. Inside the ring, he’d had it engraved, words with an amethyst paint.

 

            I am blessed because of you. Zowa, eternally.

 

 

NINA

 

            She couldn’t do this again.

 

            Matthias, I’m not strong enough. I’m not. Send them back to us, somehow. I can’t do this again, my love. We can’t do this, Wylan, Inej, and I. Kaz Brekker always makes it, and Jesper is always right beside him. As long as I’ve known them, they’ve made it. They have to make it, Matthias.

 

            “Please, mera chaar. Come home.” Inej was shaking, whispering. She was soaking wet, the rain still poured. No one had moved to try and light a lantern, only the shipwrecks beside them as they sank, flames burst forth, illuminated the night.

 

            It was Hell or High Water if Nina had ever used the phrase correctly.

 

            The screams of burning men had since ceased, and only the water crashing against the ship in tandem with rain and the crackle of flames remained.

 

            The world was painted in pain, and Nina remembered it’s hues like the embrace of a long lost enemy.

           

            “Inej,” Nina began, one more attempt. If Kaz and Jesper’s bodies sank in the sinking ships undertow, she may not be able to reach them. Inej and Wylan would never get to say goodbye, nor would their bodies ever be laid to rest somewhere better than the bottom of the sea. It was all Nina Zenik could offer, now. All her death touch could do to embrace life with comforting caresses. “I should try,” Nina finished.

 

            The rope went taut, at least ten minutes after Kaz had jumped into the icy depth of the True Sea.

 

            Inej was almost pulled to the rail before she managed to her feet, bracing against the planks. Her gasp was more of a shriek, startled and hopeful.

 

            “Hold on to me!” She growled as Specht ran and latched on to Inej, pulling her back with his weight.

 

            “It’s them!” Greer shouted as she began to pull the rope up after looking over the edge of the rail, aiding Inej and Specht. Motion sprung to life, Wylan was gulping air as he grasped the rope with greedy hands.

 

            “Mira, right? Be ready. Get your supplies!” Nina shouted, uncaring that she held no command, here. The medic nodded quickly, running to the door leading below decks.

 

            “MEDIC!” Kaz shouted, his voice graveled and hoarse as he collapsed on the deck, right on top of Jesper. His lips were blue, he was shaking and dripping. He looked ten times better than Jesper Fahey.

 

            Jesper looked dead. Nina wouldn’t test it. She couldn’t. No. There was blood, everywhere. Kaz’s white shirt was crimson, coated to his skin like the shell of a ruby egg. Jesper’s mouth was leaking blood too, not a good sign. Never a good sign.

 

            “Coming!” Mira was already running across the slippery deck, a leather satchel over her shoulder.

 

            “Wake up!” Kaz demanded of Jesper as he kneeled to his side. Nina couldn’t even shift her eyes to find Inej or Wylan. She was frozen, devastated with hope and fear on a precarious precipice.

 

            Matthias, help. I’ll pray to Djel if I must.

 

            “I said. Wake. The. Fuck. Up.” Kaz growled as he slid soaked leather off his hand, and promptly slapped it across Jesper’s pale face, leaving a raised welt in the impression of a glove.

 

            It worked. Jesper began coughing, blood and sea water. He was alive. Alive.

 

            “Jes,” Wylan collapsed beside Kaz, blue eyes focused only on his partner’s shaky coughing. Jesper’s eyes didn’t open, but he hacked puddles of water onto the deck. Nina realized Kaz was lifting Jesper’s neck, making sure he dislodged the water. Kaz’s hand was bare.

 

            “Move!” Mira shouted as she quickly tamed her blonde hair into a knot, away from her face.

 

            “Alcohol, rags, thread and needle. Tonic, drowsy.” Mira held out her hand, Quin already beside her wife and handing over supplies from the bag.

 

            “You’re hypothermic. Both of you.” Mira was already pressing cloths to Jesper’s side, his shirt had been ripped away. She was speaking to Kaz, Nina realized.

 

            “I know.” Kaz shook, but his hand was still under Jesper’s neck, even as his sputtering began to subside.

 

            Nina collapsed against a barrel, watching as Mira commanded medicine the old fashioned way. Truly, Jesper needed a healer. He wasn’t out of this, yet. From what Nina could see, the wound had gone deep. If a lung had been punctured, he might be dead yet.

 

            She wouldn’t accept it. No.

 

            Nina finally shifted her eyes, looked for Inej. She saw her, holding the rope in her hands, on her knees by the rail of the ship. She was staring at Kaz, tears streaking down her face, as she mouthed the names of the Saints.

 

            Nina raised her eyes to the sky. A prayer never hurt.

 

            “Thank you, Djel.”

 

INEJ

 

            Home. Home had come back to her. He was shaking, and beaten, and whole. He was here. It was all that mattered. All that mattered.

 

            “You need to get warm, we need to bring him down below deck, this rain is only harming. I need light.” Mira said to Kaz, who was already backing away from Jesper, his pupils blown wide, his breathing uneven.

 

            “Come down and we’ll get blankets-” Mira was cut off as Kaz stood abruptly on shaking legs.

 

            “I know how to deal with hypothermia.” Kaz answered, Wylan’s eyes shifted to him for a brief moment, terrified by the implication.

 

            Jesper. Jesper looked like another one of the corpses littering the deck of the Wraith.

 

Inej wouldn’t let that happen, she didn’t know how, but she’d fight death herself. She had before, had a scar around her neck to prove it. She’d pick up her knives for Jesper and battle the shadow of eternal slumber in his stead.

           

            “Anchor stays down. We rest.” Specht called to the crew, Inej was vaguely aware of the motion around her. She was still shaking.

 

            She’d almost lost them. Lost the first people who’d helped her to pick up her pieces, Jesper and Kaz. Before Wylan, before Nina, it had been the three of them against Ketterdam. Against the world. She’d almost lost them.

 

            Kaz hadn’t found her, hadn’t looked. She didn’t care, so long as she could see him. She could sit on this piece of wood, rope in her hands forever, so long as her eyes could follow him.

 

            Kaz began to charge toward her Captain’s quarters, nearly falling twice. Stubborn till his last. Inej’s heart stuttered in her chest, he was too far. She needed to follow. But, Jesper.

 

            “Go get him, ‘Nej.” Inej’s eyes flashed back to the huddle before her at the sound of his voice.

 

            Jesper.

 

            “Go save him.” Jesper whispered, eyes barely opened, but finding her over the mass of people surrounding him. Inej heard Wylan’s gasp, his choke on a thousand “I love you’s”.

 

            She took off, a Sea answering to the call of her lunar gravity.

           

           

KAZ

 

            The water hadn’t killed him. The water hadn’t killed Jesper. His brother lived. Kaz had been able to save him. Jordie was gone, but Jesper wasn’t.

 

            He’d rewritten this part of the story, all these years later. He was still freezing, still dripping, but he was still standing. Dead flesh had lost in favor of the living souls. He’d touched Jesper’s wet skin, moved corpses out of their path, and he had not drowned. Not in his head, and not in the sea.

 

            Inej. Where was Inej? Had she been out there? He didn’t know. He didn’t know, couldn’t tap into that sense that told him she was close, not through the fog of ice around his every limb. Inej. He couldn’t remember who pulled on that rope. Hadn’t been able to see anything besides Jesper.

 

            Inej, I crawled home.

           

            “Kaz?” Inej’s voice came to him, soft and desperate. It was real. It was really her. Kaz turned from where he stood in her Captain’s quarters, dripping onto the small rug beneath his now bare feet. He was so cold, but she looked so warm.

 

“Inej,” He breathed as he looked at her, standing in the doorway. His legs began to collapse with a particularly rough rock of the ship, but he caught himself on her desk. She shut the door behind her.

 

Then, she was crying. Inej was crying, falling apart, her hand over her mouth.

 

“Why are you over there?” Kaz asked as a shiver racked his shoulders. He felt his own eyes watering.

 

He hadn’t thought he’d make it here. Not the first time he crawled out of the water, and not this time.

 

“Because your skin, and the- the wet.” She was sniffling and gesturing and sobbing. Kaz had never seen her cry like this. Never.

 

For the first time, Kaz didn’t care.

 

“I’m hypothermic. Your body heat will be necessary. I also thought this would be the part where I at the very least receive a hug.” He tried, his own voice cracked under an emotion he couldn’t begin to name.

 

A sound that was half laugh, half sob, escaped her lips.

 

“Clothes off. I won’t keep you warm if you stay in those. We need to start the fire in the stove. Then, I’m going to kiss you until your lips are red again.” Inej listed her demands off on her fingers through her tears.

 

He nodded.

 

“Yes, Captain.”

 

Then, he was falling over. His limbs were growing weary, the adrenaline wearing off. Her arms caught him around his waist.

 

“Better plan, sit.” Inej moved them slowly to her bed, he wanted to cry when he felt the weight removed from his knee.

 

Inej was standing between his legs, already unbuttoning his shirt, tears still streaming down her face as she worked. Her hands were trembling; her lip was between her teeth. Her hair had escaped its braid, black tresses dripping from the rain.

 

He’d never seen a Saint, but he was certain that this is what they looked like. Wide brown eyes, arched brows, bronze skin. Love in their gaze, and conviction in each rise and fall of their chest.

 

“Inej.” He clasped his hand over hers against his chest.

 

“I’m sorry, I just thought I could help. I shouldn’t be touching, I…” He cut her off.

 

“I’m here.” He didn’t know why those words came out of his mouth, but they fell out, demanded release.

 

Her eyes met his, unsteady and terrified. She’d never looked like that, before. He hated it.

 

“I thought… I thought you were gone. I thought you were gone. I thought you both were. I…” She was shaking again, her head bowed. He gripped her hand tighter, as tight as he could through the ice in his joints. He waited until her eyes met his once more.

 

“We were built for storms, Inej. You and I. I’ll always swim back to you.” He whispered.

 

“I’ll always climb back to you, too.” Inej responded softly, she dipped her forehead to his. Sonnets spoken in gazes alone. Their knives were drawn, pistols blazing.

 

He felt the water on her brow. Felt it in his clothes, on their joined hands.

 

He pulled her closer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Inej removed every piece of his armor, before she changed her own clothes and slipped into the bed beside him, her body curled around his own as he shook so deeply his bones rattled.

 

His every other thought was of Jesper, but he needed to stay alive to check on him. He had a reason. He had so many reasons.

 

When he laid under a pile of blankets and shawls in the dark of the Wraith’s Captain’s quarters, his lips permanently attached to hers, he found the answer to his question.

 

What had crawled out of the water, this time?

 

What had gone in the first time.

 

Kaz Rietveld.

Notes:

The end has been in my mind since I typed the first chapter. I cried writing it. Sobbed.

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Chapter 109: Home

Summary:

Reunited.

Notes:

Chapter 109!!!!

HI. Guys, I know I'm late. I am sorry, but if you don't follow me on tiktok or tumblr, my laptop crashed and when I got it back up and running, I found out that I lost 5k out of 7k of this chapter last night. So, I spent the past eight hours rewriting almost the entirety of this chapter. Honestly, I hope it's as good as the first time I wrote it, but I'm not sure. I worked truly at a break-neck pace to get it here though, so I hope you love it. I really do. <3

Thank you eternally for supporting me, and for your patience. Every comment means everything to me, and I know I'm always behind, but I love you guys. I just want you to know that. Really, I don't just say that. You guys are my little internet found family and I couldn't be more grateful.

PLEASE leave a comment with your thoughts, feelings, whatever. It would mean the world to me since I pretty much wrote and edited all 7k words of this today. I really hope it's good, I feel like I've stared at it forever.

"Hold Back The River" by James Bay. (All of the chapter, BUT THE END. The end.)

KAZ

 

Opening his eyes was difficult. His whole body was sore, strained. When he managed the feat of slipping his eyelids open a sliver, he saw the ceiling of Inej’s Captain’s quarters, the dark wood, the cracks between planks. He couldn’t hear anything beyond the slight creak of wood on the water, the hush of waves against the ship. The light was dim, candlelight flickered on the ceiling, presumably from the desk, maybe in the sconces beside Inej’s bed. He wasn’t ready to try and turn his head and find out. 

 

He felt like he’d been run over by a carriage and four and stomped into the cobblestones. He felt like he’d barely closed his eyes, but he knew he must have slept, at least for a while. 

 

The last thing he remembered had been Inej apologizing, before stripping and holding his bare body against her own to get his temperature up. He hadn’t been warming up enough with the layers between them. He remembered the two sides of him warring over the new territory; Brekker claiming they’d drown; and the newly revealed Rietveld, marveling at the feeling of Inej’s bare skin against his back. He hadn’t drowned, nor had he gotten sick from the feeling of her flesh against his. Perhaps, he’d been too exhausted, freezing, to care. He remembered wanting to tell her not to feel guilty, he wanted to kiss her fears away. He didn’t think he’d stayed conscious long enough to do so. 

 

His only thought in his sleep rattled mind was that he wished the first time they’d shared a bed bare, had been a much different circumstance. Much, much different. 

 

Blindly, he reached around under the blankets piled on top of him, searching for Inej. She wasn’t there. That woke his mind fully, he began to try and sit up. A slashing sensation in his side had him falling back against the pillows with a grimace of pain. 

 

He didn’t remember being injured. Kaz squinted as he peeked under the blankets at his own body, where a strip of fresh bandage was wrapped around his bare abdomen. He must have ripped his wound open from the jewel heist, he realized. Inej had bandaged him, and he hadn’t even woken up. He hoped it had been Inej, both because the idea of foreign hands on his skin still made him itch despite having no memory of it, and because he was decidedly lacking a stitch of clothing beyond the singular gauze bandage. 

 

Jesper. Was Jesper alright? How long had he slept? Had they begun to sail once more? 

 

“Stop trying to move.” A voice startled him from the corner of the room, a voice not belonging to Inej. 

 

“Zenik.” Kaz frowned at the ceiling. Nina was his friend, and he was glad of it, but his growth had only gone so far. He wanted only one woman in this cabin with him whilst he was indisposed. 

 

Kaz heard footsteps crossing the room to him and he forced the stiff muscles in his neck to turn. He felt warm enough, but was suddenly grateful for the pile of quilts atop him. 

 

“I’m babysitting. I forced Inej to go pee after she refused to for two bells.” Nina said softly, a tired sort of smile on her lips that didn’t reach her eyes. Her brown hair had fallen, left to dry in salty sea waves. She was no longer wearing her kefta, instead donning a pair of dark breeches, boots. A cream colored sweater that looked to be two sizes too big for even her generous shoulders. 

 

“It was… I got some of Matthias’ things. This sweater. When I was in Fjerda, I found his old trunk in the Drüskelle barracks. I broke in there, I tried to think like you when I did. I think that’s why I wasn’t caught.” Nina said quietly, tugging on her sleeves as she noticed his stare. 

 

“You thought like me?” Kaz asked, his voice was more stone than sound. His vocal chords felt tight, hoarse. 

 

“Yes. Believe it or not, I even missed you while I was in Fjerda, you bastard.” Nina laughed as she pulled up the trunk from the end of Inej’s bed to sit beside him. 

 

“You flatter me, Nina.” Kaz rolled his eyes, though he felt his lips quirk. Jesper. Inej. 

 

“Is he…?” Kaz couldn’t finish the sentence, couldn’t look at Nina, either. Instead he forced his eyes back to the ceiling. 

 

Prepare for the worst. Always have a back-up plan. There was no plan ‘Z’ if Jesper hadn’t made it. Kaz didn’t think the world would continue to spin if Jesper hadn’t survived. Kaz’s world wouldn’t, of that, he was certain. 

 

Jordie, did you keep him safe?

 

“He’s alive. He hasn’t woken again, yet. Mira put him under with a sleeping draft so he wouldn’t feel the pain as she worked on his side. The knife missed his lung, by less than a hair’s width.” Nina paused and released a deep breath. “Wylan is with him, Mira came by to check on you… but Inej wouldn’t let her touch you to check your temperature. She did that herself.” 

 

Kaz felt his chest tighten, Jesper was alive. Inej had fought off any other hands from touching his bare skin. His avri. His fiancé. 

 

“He’s not out of the woods, yet. We’ll know more when he wakes up, he went without oxygen for a minute or two, at least that’s what Mira thinks. We dropped the anchor once we made it so slightly smoother waters, farther from the coast. Specht made the call for Inej. You slept for about five bells; the sun came up but it’s still storming.” Nina continued, as she brushed her fingers through tangled strands of her hair. 

 

“Inej?” Kaz asked, not entirely knowing what his true question was. 

 

Was she alright? Had she been injured at all, in the aftermath of him jumping off the ship with slavers still on board? Had she taken care of herself? She’d looked alright, from what he remembered of their reunion. She had looked terrified, but whole. 

 

“Losing her Saints damned marbles trying to split herself between you and Jesper, much to my dismay. And Wylan’s.” Nina said lightly. “Getting her to even go see to herself and fill the water pitcher was like pulling teeth. I prefer it when she’s the one down for the count, you just go rip out eyeballs to work off the steam. Inej plays nurse.” 

 

“She’s worried?” Kaz tried to sit up again, failing miserably. 

 

“She’s worried, yes. Of course she is. Your body only just began to heat again, Kaz. For a while there, neither you or Jesper were looking good. You do understand you asked her to marry you, right? She has to like you at least a little bit since she agreed to a lifetime, not just two days.” Nina responded indignantly with a flip of her hair over her shoulder. 

 

“I’m fine. Leave so I can put clothes on.” Kaz grimaced, despite knowing he may not even be able to pull himself to a standing position. 

 

All that Ketterdam grit and wit wasn’t doing him much good on the Sea, he thought bitterly. 

 

“Saints, Brekker. No. You can’t stand. Your knee is swollen to twice it’s normal size, and for fucks sake, let your blood heat up to whatever temperature is normal for barrel rats like yourself.” Nina rolled her eyes as he scoffed. 

 

He felt under the blankets to his knee and winced as he pressed his thumb to the swelling. Fuck, that was going to hurt when it began to heal. 

 

“At least you didn’t re-break it or anything.” Nina tried and he felt her eyes narrowed on him. 

 

“How did you know my knee was swollen?” Kaz glared, remembering his nudeness. He didn’t particularly have a lot of modesty in the classical sense, but he hoped Nina hadn’t been present when Inej had bandaged him. Mostly just so he didn’t have to hear about her interpretations of his body for the rest of his fucking life. 

 

“Inej told me. But, if you’d like I can tell everyone I saw you, bare-ass naked. It’s your choice how I present this information to the world. Be nice to me, Brekker, and I’ll be generous.” Nina laughed then, the smile reaching her eyes. Kaz chuckled too, despite himself. 

 

“I’m glad you’re here, Kaz.” Nina said softly, meeting his gaze. He dipped his chin once. He was, too. 

 

Then, the door creaked open. 

 

“I brought water for you, Nina. I also grabbed a couple of pieces of the fruit we brought from Ketterdam, pomegranates and I found a jar of hazelnuts.” Inej was setting the pitcher of water on her dresser, kicking the door shut behind her, clearly unaware that Kaz was awake, not having heard their voices over the waves outside. She sounded exhausted, deflated. 

 

“’Nej.” Kaz said, his lips spilling her name as his eyes tracked over every inch of her frame from across the cabin; he was taking inventory of each perfect limb of her body, clad in fresh but crumpled clothes from the looks of it. One of his shirts hung loose over her leggings.

 

Inej turned around rapidly, her eyes darting to his. 

 

“You’re awake,” Inej breathed as she all but ran the ten paces between herself and the bed where he was encased in blankets. She stopped herself before she launched onto him, barely. Clearly, the food and water had been forgotten. Kaz didn’t give a damn.

 

“I’ll go check on the other couple, since you know, I’m a drifter.” Nina winked as she stood from her spot on the trunk, shedding a smile in Inej’s direction. Inej’s eyes didn’t leave his, he barely heard the click of the door shutting behind Nina as he stared at Inej. No one else existed.

 

He could stare at her for all time, get lost in the glint of amber in her dark eyes. He could live in this moment, camp out, make it home. He could forever drift on this one breath between them as he stared, stared and marveled. 

 

“Are you cold? I can add a log to the stove. Water? You barely drank any when I coaxed you awake for a moment a few bells ago.” Inej stuttered, her hands linked and unlinked before she ran them over her legging clad thighs, anxiety in each movement. 

 

“I don’t know.” Kaz answered, finally mustering the courage to try and sit up once more. He succeeded, this time, with grit teeth and a loosing of held breath. He leaned back against the headboard as the quilts pooled around his waist. It was welcome, that kiss of fresh air against his skin, even as he shivered. 

 

“What?” Inej was staring at him, too. Her lip was between her teeth as she fiddled with her hands, her shirt- his shirt. 

 

“I don’t know what I need. I don’t know if I’m cold. All I know is that you’re over there, and that is incessantly annoying when I cannot stand.” He said, unbothered by the outburst of honesty. 

 

“I… I didn’t know if you were okay. If… I tried to warm you up. You pushed me away, once. Then you kept pushing closer to me. I didn’t know… I didn’t want to make it all worse, but you were so cold and I just…” She trailed off with a glance down his bare chest, her eyes catching on the bandage around his abdomen. She turned away quickly, busying her hands with the water pitcher. Her cheeks were flushed, he noticed. 

 

“Come here.” Kaz rasped, suddenly needing to remedy the guilt on her face. Her eyes were swollen, as if she’d cried again. 

 

“It’s okay, I’m fine. Let me get water, and I’ll add the log and then I’ll go check on Jes, and then…”

 

“Inej. Stop. Slow down. Don’t be Captain Ghafa with me.” He said, with what he hoped was gentle force. 

 

She paused, took a deep breath as she set the water pitcher back down. 

 

“In one month, both of us have almost died. I thought you were gone, Kaz. You were there and then… then you weren’t. I didn’t… I didn’t know if I’d ever get to tell you.” Inej’s voice was a broken whisper, scarcely reaching him on the bed. 

 

“Come here. Please, come here.” He tried again, he knew his leg wasn’t going to let him stand easily, but he fucking would if she wouldn’t face him. He understood. It had been a hell of a month, for both incredible and terrible reasons. Her hanging. Pekka’s death. Their engagement. Now, this day. 

 

Slowly, she turned around. She toed off her boots against the dresser before she looked up at him, her eyes ushering silver down her brown cheeks in wobbling lines. 

 

Kaz did something he hadn’t needed to in a very long time, he lifted the quilts to her. An invitation to join him in the bed, permission that he was alright with the touch. 

 

Inej eyed his side before she was sneaking into the bed on silent feet, cuddling into his uninjured side with a softness he wished she’d forego. Gently, he pulled her closer, she let her head fall to his chest as he wrapped both arms around her. 

 

“What didn’t you think you’d get to tell me, Inej?” He asked as his lips brushed the crown of her head. He felt her fingers splay on his stomach by his bandage, she traced a figure-eight into his skin under the blankets. 

 

“That I love you.” She whispered, her lips pressed a kiss to his chest. He didn’t hold back his laugh even as the motion made his side ache. 

 

“Why are you laughing?” She moved her head, propped up on an elbow to glare at him. 

 

“Because you have told me you love me too many times to count, far too many for what I deserve, darling. If I’d died, I would have known. I promise you that.” He ignored her narrowed eyes, instead choosing to revel in the furrow that appeared between her dark brows. 

 

He did love coaxing that face out of her. 

 

“I didn’t say it back, when you left to go with Wylan. Which, by the way, we will have words about. I’m Captain out here and I should have known where you went, shevrati.” She glared on, but he saw her lips threaten a tiny smile as he laughed harder. 

 

“Will that conversation involve your knives?” He raised a brow and he felt like he’d won the fucking lottery when she was set off in a fit of chuckles. Her laugh felt like a healing tonic, effervescent and shimmering as he drank it up.

 

“No, you’d like that too much.” She choked out softly, hiccuping on her own laughter. 

 

“I can’t help myself, Inej. You and knives are half of my thoughts.” Kaz leaned forward, brushed his lips against her brow, right where that delightful little line had shown itself a moment prior. 

 

“You are twisted, mera chaar.” Inej frowned but her eyes shined. 

 

Her eyes shined exactly how he’d remembered them, when the water’s teeth had been latched onto his ankles, ready to feast on his flesh and bones. 

 

“Good for you then that the same twisted creature swam back, then.” He quipped. Her laughter stopped, her head quirked as her eyes danced over him. He didn’t know what she was thinking, and in that moment, he would have killed to find out. 

 

“Don’t say that.” Inej said softly after a long moment passed. Her fingers drew a pattern on his chest as she looked up at him. 

 

“Don’t say what?” He asked, confused. Her eyes had latched onto his once more, and he saw something fierce there. Something protective, of him. 

 

“You aren’t a creature. Monster. None of that. Joke all you like, but… I don’t want you believe that, of yourself.” Inej muttered, quiet and unwavering. 

 

Kaz froze. He had been joking, that time. But, for as long as he could recall, he’d been a monster. To himself. To others. To the tourists who steered clear of him after hearing that his hands were deformed under his gloves, fingertips blackened from where he’d touched the Devil. To the rival gangs who had seen him rip teeth out of mouths, slice off ears with razor blades. He’d been the monster to himself, the creature no more capable of kindness than a demon of the night. He’d been the monster, because the boy had been too weak to survive Ketterdam and its uncanny cruelty. 

 

Hadn’t the man survived this time, though? 

 

“I… I used to think I was. Sometimes, I still do.” Kaz responded, swallowing the instinct to make another joke, to not let her see this. More shame bared. He refused to do that, not anymore. No more secrets. Not from her. 

 

“Sometimes, it’s hard to… to remember who I was, then what I became. It gets…muddled.” He forced himself to continue as Inej’s hand found his under the covers. She squeezed his fingers. 

 

It was his darkest secrets, being ripped from the walls of his chest cavity. He’d never told anyone that he did in fact live long enough to regret some of his choices; regret what the smog and blackness had morphed him into. He’d never wanted to tell anyone that. It made him something real. It made him something soft, easily killable, beneath his armor and mask.

 

“You were never a monster, Kaz. I won’t flatter you with kind lies, either. You’ve done horrific things, made monstrous choices, but you are not a creature.” She said softly, he diverted his eyes back to the ceiling, suddenly feeling like running from this conversation. 

 

“Look at me.” Inej commanded tenderly. One deep breath, and he faced her again. 

 

She was wrong. Inej had seen many of his cruelties, but not all of them. She’d never seen him when he was twelve, thirteen, and even more angry than he’d been when she’d met him at fifteen. He’d murdered to prove points, shelled out cruelty like the komedie brute. He may have grown to be better, but he’d been nothing more than a vessel for rage, until he’d met her. Until he’d met all of them. Jesper. Wylan. Nina. Helvar, even. Until he’d forced himself to earn their respect, instead of demanding it. Until he’d forced himself to learn to respect them, too. To realize they cared about him. To acknowledge that he cared for them, more than he could say.

 

“The difference between creatures, beasts, and man, is awareness. Monsters, they just are. They don’t question, they don’t ponder their actions. You have been ruthless and cruel, you have been generous and kind. You have always been balanced. You are the best man I have ever met, Kaz. You have not always been good, neither have I. We exist outside of those labels, you and I. You are the best because you are all of it. You are the best man, because you exemplify human. You are not too righteous, nor are you too violent. You have always had a reason, Kaz Rietveld. Always.” Inej reached forward, gently cupped his cheek to turn his face to her fully. He didn’t understand. In his silence, she continued. Her gaze was strong, latching onto his. 

 

“I’m an acrobat, Kaz. I know equilibrium when I see it. You are not any less of a man because of what happened to you, or because of what you’ve done both to survive and prosper. I want you to know that I’ve seen all of it, all of you, and I always have, I think. Part of me recognized you, in the Menagerie. Recognized what you tried to conceal, the human beneath. I have seen it all, and I do not shy away from you, mera chaar. I never have, and I never will. If you don’t believe me, I think today is proof enough of what you are. You saved him, Kaz. You saved Jesper, you saved all of us. Not for the first time.” Inej whispered with every bit of faith he heard whenever she appealed to her Saints. Inej was telling him the truth. 

 

Her skin against his felt like redemption. 

 

He didn’t have a way to voice to her what her words had done to him. No one had said anything like that to him, ever. She didn’t know how long he’d wondered what he could have been, in the deep recesses of his mind. She didn’t know how often he’d considered what type of man he would be, if Jordie had never died. If he’d never had to see his Da’s blood on the crops. If he’d never swum fifth harbor, crawled onto the street, hypothermic just as he was only bells ago. On that night, he’d relied on rage to keep him alive under stolen coats in a stable filled with hay for the carriage horses at a mercher’s estate. There had been no Inej to keep him warm, no Nina to watch over him. No brother to hope to see again. 

 

So, he did what he knew he could do, what he desperately needed to do. Kaz reached forward, and he pulled her closer. He kissed her as his hands slid lightly under her hair to the back of her neck, seeking the space between them to be eliminated. A soft noise of surprise escaped Inej’s throat as he pulled her into his lap, her legs carefully straddling him under the covers, avoiding the wound in his side. Her lips were moving against his, and it was a homecoming. He was cradling her against his chest, his arms wrapped all the way around her. 

 

It felt like a reunion, after an eternity of dark water between them. 

 

When he’d asked Inej to marry him, only days ago, he’d thought that would be the closest he’d come to the man that might have been. 

 

He was wrong. 

 

This was it. In this moment, Kaz was certain, all of his shattered parts remembered what wholeness felt like. All of his sides were one, now. No one part of him was warring for the light of his consciousness. Kaz Brekker would live on, prowling the streets of Ketterdam, in a signature on official documents. Dirtyhands would shed violence in the shadow of street lamps, when the time called for it. But, in life, he was Kaz Rietveld, once more. 

 

He’d not been reborn when he crawled out of the water, this time. 

 

He’d been reassembled. 

 

**********WARNING! SPICY CONTENT AHEAD! Don’t worry, you can skip this and still understand the story. Just continue reading after the cut.**********

 

INEJ

 

She didn’t know where she began and Kaz ended, didn’t know when that kiss had started, nor did she care. Not as Kaz’s hands gripped her hips, explored her sides, pulled her impossibly closer to him with every heart beat. They had a million things to talk about, to worry about. None felt quite as important as this, for both of them. Inej needed this, needed his kiss, his touch, him. She needed the reminder that they still had a life ahead of them, together. She’d almost lost him. She was still a wreck over Jesper, but she couldn’t do more than wait, now. She knew Kaz felt the same as he hugged her tight, as his tongue grazed her lip. 

 

A distraction born of need and desperation and love. 

 

She could have stayed here, for an eternity. In this little world hued in the scent of sea air, but never losing that touch of cinnamon on his bare skin. She didn’t know how he was alright, but she knew she had thanked the Saints a thousand times for it. 

 

Kaz came back to her. He came back for her, as he always had. 

 

His hands were loosening buttons on her shirt, slipping underneath to her waist, trailing to her breasts. His skin was still cool, but in the way it always was. Gone was the dip of ice around his fingers. She relished in it, lived for it. She shuddered against his lips when he pinched her nipple, coaxed her closer to him, never once taking his lips from hers. 

 

Inej wondered when they would try. Wondered if they could begin to consider the possibility of removing every barrier, in a much different circumstance than when she’d held him as he shook, hours ago. She wanted it, wanted him. Wanted to be as close to him as possible, wanted that union of their bodies as much as their souls. 

 

“I love you,” Kaz broke from her lips to begin a march of open mouthed kisses down her throat. There were stars and bursting lights behind her eyelids as he skimmed his teeth against the soft flesh of her shoulder. 

 

It was all passion, urgency. 

 

He was naked beneath her, the blankets pooled around their waists, and Inej knew they’d gotten this far before, in reverse. Inej had been bare beneath him, they’d both exposed their chests, and they’d survived. She wanted more. She wanted to forget the Menagerie, the water. She wanted them to have everything, now. She knew it wasn’t possible, she knew she’d lose herself if she removed her leggings, tried to allow him access to her body. He might drown, too. It would be too fast. It didn’t stop her from moving in his lap, feeling the length of him against her through the leggings that suddenly felt too thin, too thick. 

 

“You should be under the blankets, you should be drinking and eating.” Inej mumbled through a moan as he slipped his hands back to her hips, guiding her against him in a movement she swore could end both of them if he did it again. 

 

“Hmm,” He mumbled against her throat, a hiss of pleasure escaped him as she rolled forward against him, desperately seeking friction. “You are not selling your points, Inej.” He nipped at her earlobe as she leaned her forehead against his shoulder, gasping for air and craving his skin on her mouth. 

 

“Besides, I’m warm. I think to be safe, I should rid you of this, though. Shared body heat and all that.” Kaz’s hand tugged on the hem of the shirt, hanging halfway open on her body. She nodded once, lost in him. Lost in them and this moment of pure lust and love. 

 

Kaz’s hands tore through buttons before he tossed the shirt somewhere on the ground beside the bed, his touch already exploring more of her flesh. Inej couldn’t help herself as she threaded her fingers through his hair, gently pulling his head back to her, to look at her. His eyes were glazed in the desire she felt between them, in every spot their skin now brushed together. 

 

Her lips crashed against his and she felt the reverberation of his groan against her, as he tasted her and she devoured him. She felt his arms tighten around her, keeping her close, even as her hips continued to grind against him. 

 

With his arms circled around her, with his mouth claiming hers with as much fervor as she demanded him, Inej Ghafa felt strong. Stronger than she maybe ever had, in this sense. She felt like she could remember what happened to her, and still find this with Kaz. Find all of the love and pleasure they both desperately wanted, sometimes felt like they needed. They would get there, they had to. Kaz had lived, he’d come home. 

 

It was as his hand slid between her legs, nudged that spot between her thighs through her leggings, as he guided her movements, that she let go. She let go of the fear in her heart, her mind and spirit. She let go and let herself feel all of it, feel the way his fingers coaxed her muscles to tighten against him. He knew her body, now. He knew how to make her open for him like his favorite lock. Someday, she would be able to sink down on to him, in this same position. Someday, their bodies would rock together, and she’d be unafraid. So would he. 

 

Inej didn’t want to fall over the edge first, not this time. No, she wanted him to fall for her, she wanted him to feel alive and she wanted to see him living, as she feared she would never be able to again, only bells ago. 

 

Her hand clutched his and pulled his fingers gently away from her center just as she broke away from his lips to look at him and made certain that he knew what she was going to do. She tracked her hand down his bare chest, slowly, his breathing was ragged as his eyes followed her hand. His pupils were blown wide, his lashes fluttered as she let one finger trace him between their two bodies, teasing and deliberate. 

 

His hips thrust up against her as her hand wrapped around his length, she scooted back on his thighs slightly to give herself more room to move. His head fell back against the headboard, raven hair a disarray of sea-salt waves and the remnants of her fingers tangled there. 

 

“Fuck, Inej.” He mumbled unevenly as her hand began to move on him. She found herself entranced by the way his hands on her hips tightened and loosened as she moved her hand languidly, slowly. She knew he was close, the evidence wet on her thumb as she brushed over the tip of him, causing curses to fall from his kiss-swollen lips. 

 

“I had intended to do this to you.” Kaz gasped in surprise as she let her hand slip lower on him, cupping his balls as his hips thrust upward again. 

 

Noted, he liked that. 

 

“I know. I changed my mind, I wanted to do this for you, instead. Let me have what I want.” Inej smirked as she leaned forward and left a tender kiss to his chest, just above his heart. 

 

“I think I’d do just about anything you wanted right now, darling.” Kaz’s eyes slipped open and found her again. His chest was heaving as she sped up her movements again, ignoring the way warmth pooled against her thighs, her body’s way of reminding her of what he’d almost coaxed from her. Later. They had time. 

 

“Kiss me, then.” Inej whispered and he sat up straighter, lips scorching against hers as she moved her hand between them, urging his body to bend to her will. 

 

“I’m so fucked, Inej. I’m so fucked.” Kaz groaned against her lips. She was already smirking as she nibbled at his bottom lip, earning another moan of her name. 

 

“What do you mean?” She whispered against the shell of his ear. 

 

“I mean that you’ve broken me, Wraith. You make me want to get cocky, brave. I want to be inside you, Inej.” He whispered through a gasp. 

 

Inej felt wings flutter in her stomach as she continued her work, he was being honest. Maybe she had broken him, a little. She didn’t think he minded as he held onto her tighter. 

 

“And where would you have me?” She kissed his throat, his shoulder, grazed his ear once more. 

 

“I would have you everywhere.” He gasped, his head ducked into the crook of her neck as his breathing turned broken. 

 

“Everywhere?” She whispered, a smug smile on her lips as his hands tightened on her hips, her hand kicked up it’s pace once more. 

 

“Mark my words, Inej. That desk will be used, someday.” He groaned and Inej’s eyes flickered to her desk across the cabin. Her body ached at the thought of him between her legs, the height would be perfect…

 

“When did you decide that?” She pushed him to keep talking, through another groan of her name. 

 

“Inej, I have compiled about a million different places I want to have you. Don’t make me try and remember when I first had the thought.” He groaned, low and desperate as her hand changed pace, slowing down. 

 

“I know where I want you.” She whispered against his ear and he cursed under his breath. 

 

“Where?” He asked desperately, she felt his length twitch in her hand. She was barely holding him off, and she hadn’t realized how powerful it would feel. 

 

The girl she’d been in the Menagerie would have never believed the woman she was now. 

 

“You know that sink in the Geldrenner?” Inej answered lowly, playfully, letting her voice tell him exactly how much she’d thought of that idea. She knew exactly what she was doing as a shiver racked his frame. She let her free hand wander over his back, his shoulder blades.  

 

“Fuck.” Kaz groaned against her, she felt him fall, felt his shoulders shake as he tugged her closer to him, felt his lips against her bare shoulder, muffling the loud moan that escaped him as he released for her. 

 

“Deal. Deal. Deal.” He gasped against her and Inej could only laugh as she released her hand from him, gently. She was already glad she’d filled the water pitcher, she could wet a towel for him to clean his abdomen. 

 

He lifted his head and when she saw his eyes, full of awe and love, she fell again. The kiss he left to her lips was soft, tender, a reminder. It was the type of kiss she thought he might have intended in the first place. She felt him toying with her engagement ring hanging on the chain between her breasts. 

 

“I like it better on your finger.” He frowned as he caught his breath. His cheeks were flushed, and she’d done that to him.

 

She felt her smile widen. Inej was proud of herself. 

 

“It’ll be on my hand when we’re not on the ship.” She chuckled as she pressed a kiss to the side of his head. 

 

********** END of Spicy content! **********

 

Inej saw it happen, saw the moment begin to wear off, saw Kaz’s eyes drift to the door. 

 

“He’s going to be okay. We’ll make sure of it.” Inej whispered, answering his unvoiced worries. She gently reached up to turn his face back to her. She hadn’t moved from his lap. The mess could wait a moment. Kaz’s eyes softened as he reached his own hand up to cover hers on his cheek, he turned her arm to kiss her wrist. 

 

Then, with the worst possible timing, the door opened. Inej had never gone back to lock it after Nina’s departure. A realization far too late. 

 

Kaz was already tugging the blankets back up over their waists, hiding very intimate details of his anatomy, his arms quickly wrapped around her and hugged her against him, hiding her very exposed chest. 

 

“You two waste no time, do you?” Nina’s voice was filled with laughter as she quickly turned away, closing the door save for a sliver so they could hear her from the other side. 

 

“You should have knocked.” Kaz growled, Inej was already laughing against his chest. All people considered, Inej hardly cared if Nina saw her chest. She had before, plenty of times. Kaz on the other hand… well, if Inej was honest, she didn’t want to share the sight of him. She knew he clearly did not wish for anyone to see his body. 

 

Nina was hiccuping on a howl of laughter outside the cabin door. Inej felt Kaz’s arms tighten around her, he sighed in false annoyance as she continued to chuckle softly. 

 

“I guess I’ll just go tell Jesper this story, since you know, he’s awake.” Nina called in a smug and melodic voice. 

 

“Jesper.” Kaz gasped as Inej straightened herself from him, already looking for a rag to clean both of them, now. She stood quickly. Jesper. Jesper. Jesper. 

 

“Kaz, you shouldn’t get up…” Inej eyed his leg as he winced even trying to sit up straighter. She knew what they’d just done should not have been on the roster. He should have been resting, drinking, eating. Just as she’d said before he convinced her otherwise. 

 

Devious man. 

 

“I’m going down there. I have to see him.” Kaz answered coldly as he tried to shift his body to swing his legs over the side of the bed. Inej felt her chest tighten as she saw him grit his teeth against what she was sure was pain, from his knee, his side. 

 

Inej busied herself with passing a rag to Kaz after cleaning herself, she pulled his shirt back on over her chest, barely getting the buttons done with the shaking of her hands. 

 

Jesper. Jesper was awake. Jesper, her wonderful and loud friend. Her brother in arms and the best hugger in the world. 

 

Inej found Kaz’s bag in the corner of her cabin and fished out a pair of his sleep trousers for him. 

 

She turned to pass them to him as he sat on the edge of the bed, both hands braced around his knee. He flicked his gaze up to her, trying to conceal the pain she knew was there. His eyes shot back to his bag, toward his regular pants, she realized. Inej rolled her eyes. 

 

“No. These will be looser on the swelling of your knee. Don’t get me wrong, mera chaar, your other pants do you excellent favors, but you get these.” Inej smirked as he huffed a breath and took the pants from her extended fingers. 

 

“They do me favors?” Kaz said softly as she turned to the mirror above her dresser to attempt to tame her hair into a quick braid. 

 

Of course that was all he heard. 

 

“Yes, you infuriating man.” Inej mumbled as her eyes found him in the reflection of the mirror. He grinned a crooked thing as he slid into the pants she’d handed him, using the footboard of her small bed to brace his weight. 

 

Inej reached by the dresser, where she’d leaned his cane that she’d retrieved from the deck of the ship in the aftermath of his and Jesper’s return from the sea. 

 

Kaz reached for it as he straightened himself, standing finally. Inej’s eyes betrayed her as they skimmed over him, the pants hung low on his hips, dark gray cotton that did him favors, as well. She new exactly what that lean arrow of muscle on his torso pointed toward. His eyebrows raised as she finally looked up, her cheeks warm. 

 

“Don’t go blushing after you just spent the past hour with me at your mercy.” His lips quirked as he leaned back against the footboard, clearly waiting for her to pass him a shirt. 

 

She didn’t have a chance to hand him one, before the door was opening once more, shouts following the intruder: six feet plus of sharpshooter. He was bandaged around his side as he breathed heavily, arm around his own waist in the doorway. He was wearing pants similar to the ones Kaz had just donned, also very much shirtless, though it was hardly noticeable under the six layers of white gauze around his middle. 

 

“I made a break for it. My captors are not pleased.” Jesper panted, iron eyes turning over his shoulder just as Inej heard Nina’s shriek. 

 

“Jes! You cannot rip your stitching!” Inej yelped. 

 

“Fuck it. My legs are good, his weren’t.” Jesper grinned with grit teeth as he took an unsteady step, then another. His eyes were on Kaz, both of them bandaged and broken, but standing.

 

Kaz was frozen, staring at Jesper. 

 

Then, Kaz was hugging Jesper.

 

Inej heard Jesper crying. She’d never seen Jesper shed a tear. There was only a few inches in height difference between them, and they looked nothing alike, but Inej swore she saw the resemblance. The familial bond. 

 

It was the strangest thing Inej Ghafa had ever seen, and sincerely, the most beautiful. 

 

Her eyes caught sight of a disheveled Wylan in the open doorway, Nina behind him. None of them said anything as the two men stood in the middle of the cabin, embracing. 

 

Life carried on, like the waves against the Wraith. 

 

The tide had come to see two brothers reunited, this time. 

Notes:

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Chapter 110: Unexpected Questions

Summary:

A moment from another perspective.

Notes:

Chapter 110!!!!!

AHH. Okay guys, I really hope you love this one. It's a tad shorter at only 3k words, but I promise, the next one is big. Big big. This one I guess is kind of a filler, but I wanted to write these moments so I guess it's self indulgence. Anyways, I just hope you love it. It begins before the end of the last chapter, you'll see what I mean.

Thank you, as always. Thank you so much for being patient and kind and understanding with me, both as I struggle with my computer and also balance life with writing and getting back. I love you all and I am eternally grateful for you.

Please let me know what you think. I just hope you're excited for what is coming up. I can't wait.

"Hey Brother" by AVICII (you know. You get it. I'm not clever.)

JESPER

 

“Intestines should not feel that way,” Jesper grunted as his eyes flickered open. He felt a bed beneath him, a pillow under his neck. Dry. He was dry. The room rocked. A ship. The Wraith. 

 

He was on the Wraith. 

 

“I’m alive.” Jesper whispered, his voice wrong and coarse, but there. He could speak. He could breathe, even through pangs against his ribcage with each rise and fall of his chest. 

 

“Jes?” A gasp came from beside his bed. Jesper felt his heart kick in his chest. 

 

Wylan. Wylan. Wylan. He’d recognize that voice anywhere, that voice that sang him to sleep whenever he dreamed of his mother, dreamed of his own downfall and hooded debt collectors in alleyways. Wylan, who carried him back to the light when Jesper had forgotten what it meant to stand tall and proud, without an inch of fear. Wylan, who blew up every fragment of Jesper’s self-doubt with bombs of bravery. 

 

Jesper felt fingers on his shoulder, he managed to shift his head to look at the man beside him. 

 

Blue eyes. Blue, Blue, Blue. So much color. Auburn hair with strands of spun gold. Pink freckles. Green sweater. Wylan was the paint palate of Jesper’s heart. 

 

“You’re awake.” Wylan was crying, silver dripping down his pale cheekbones. Jesper didn’t like that, not at all. Wylan crying was as bad as fucking puppies whining. 

 

“Why are you crying, merchling?” Jesper asked, finally landing his gaze steady on Wylan’s. It was harder to aim without metal to manipulate, eyeballs on a rocking ship were uncooperative. He felt groggy, winded.

 

“I’m crying because you’re here. We didn’t know if you’d wake up, Jes. You went without air, Kaz barely got you to cough up all the the…. water” a hiccup of tears. Jesper was starting to remember. 

 

He remembered his face hurting, and he remembered Kaz yelling at him to wake up. He remembered Kaz’s head above him, haloed by lightning in the sky. Jesper remembered thinking that a crown of lightning would be the only one Kaz would ever bother to steal. 

 

Kaz had come for him, in the middle of a hurricane. Kaz Brekker had dove into a shipwreck, with the water aflame, to drag Jesper back from hell. 

 

Brother. Aranhi.

 

“I always knew I’d make you cry from how handsome I am, one day.” Jesper tried to muddle his features into a smile for Wylan as he reached a hand out from under the pile of blankets on his body. 

 

Wylan laughed, that laugh that reminded Jesper of the hummingbirds his Da left sugar water out for on the farm. It was a private laugh, quiet and musical, just as Wylan Van Eck had always been.

 

Wylan’s fingers found his easily, and Jesper realized he’d very much like to see a wedding band on his pale piano hands. It was them, forever. Wylan deserved so much more, but Jesper would always treasure him. Always; until his body was dust in the family plot in Noyvi Zem. 

 

“I assure you, you still haven’t succeeded on that front.” Wylan snorted as his fingers traced over Jesper’s knuckles. His tears fell silently, and Jesper couldn’t believe he was here. Here and looking at Wylan again. 

 

Wylan and all of his stupid handsome face. Wylan and his stupid fucking smile that felt like bullets on his lips, the sweetest kind of kiss. 

 

When Jesper had lost his hold on Kaz’s shoulders in the sea, he had dumbly thought that the next face to greet him would be a fjerdan on the other side of the veil between worlds. That or maybe, if Jesper had been lucky, his mother. 

 

He hadn’t wanted to leave, he remembered that. He remembered Kaz’s hold on him, and he remembered wanting to be there for Kaz and Inej’s wedding. He remembered wanting to tell Kaz he was sorry, for all the gambling debts. He wanted to tell Kaz thank you for believing in him, and for giving him part of the Crow Club. He’d wanted to tell Kaz how happy he was for him, and thank him for being his oldest friend, his brother in all senses besides blood. 

 

He’d wanted to tell Nina how proud he was of her for getting back up, and how much beauty there was in her strength. He’d wanted to tell her how much he appreciated her presence for all of his stupid jokes. 

 

He’d wanted to tell Inej how much he loved her. He’d wanted to thank her for never giving up on him, or on Kaz. Inej Ghafa was the only person in the world for Kaz and Jesper was certain of it. He’d wanted to tell her how much faith she’d taught him. Inej had taught him how to get back up, and leave no echo. 

 

He’d wanted to get down on a knee and tell Wylan Van Eck how beautiful he was. Jesper had wanted to tell Wylan that he’d pop bullets into the spine of the Devil to get back to him. He’d swim the stars; he’d break into the Ice Court again, just to relive Wylan’s first smile back at him. He’d wanted to tell Wylan that he believed in true love, because of him.

 

He was here. He could do all of it. Kaz Brekker had given him that chance, again. 

 

“Kaz? Is he okay?” Jesper croaked, just as Wylan passed over a cup of water from the trunk beside the cot. Jesper knew they were in the small cabin that Inej had offered them for the trip, he saw their bags in the corner, right where they’d left them so many hours ago. 

 

Wylan’s eyes brightened immeasurably when Jesper managed to angle his head to take a gulp of water. His side screamed. He should have probably asked after himself first, but all Jesper cared about was making sure that they’d all made it. They had to, this time. 

 

Kaz couldn’t have… no. Jesper had made it back to the ship. Kaz had brought him here. Kaz was okay. He had to be. Kaz Brekker would not die a hero’s death going after him… would he? Jesper would march back into the sea and beat his ass back to life if he had to. 

 

“He’s okay, Nina was just here a few minutes ago to tell me that Kaz is stable still, he’s with Inej. His temperature seems okay, now. He ripped open the wound from when we broke into the jeweler’s house. His leg is pretty messed up, but he’ll heal. I told Nina to go eat something and make sure Inej rests.” Wylan answered with a smile and Jesper felt relief coast through his veins like the adrenaline of a win at the tables. 

 

“And me? Am I gunna make it, Mr. Doctor?” Jesper sighed dramatically despite the very real pain in his abdomen, his chest. It was worth it when Wylan giggled, smacked a hand on his shoulder, lighter than he normally would have. 

 

“Mira, the medic, says you need to take it slow and steady until we find a healer. She was able to stabilize you, but you are pretty much on bed rest until we either A) get you healed, or B) a month or so until your stitches can come out at the least. No shooting, no running, no Jesper-ing.” Wylan tried for serious as Jesper made faces at his every point. 

 

“You are not going to like no ‘Jesper-ing’ come tonight, merchling.” Jesper winked and Wylan’s face began to redden, as if on cue. 

 

No matter how many times he saw it, Jesper never tired of that pink flush that trailed over Wylan’s adams apple, up to his cheeks. It only made him more ‘Wylan’. He felt blessed, Zowa, to see that shade of pink again. 

 

Wylan leaned over him, careful not to touch his chest. Wylan hesitated just once before he closed the distance between their lips, something strange in his expression. 

 

Jesper’s heart ricocheted the moment Wylan’s lips touched his, soft and so very much like home. 

 

Wylan pulled away far too soon. If Jesper had his way, they’d lock the door and never come out, only letting in visitors every now and then. 

 

“What was that hesitation? Did I turn ugly when I drowned?” Jesper frowned with a faux gasp of horror as Wylan still leaned over him, smiling 

 

“No, but Kaz did leave a glove print on your cheek. It’s bruising. He slapped you to get you to cough up the water.” Wylan chuckled and Jesper touched a hand to his own face, wincing at the tenderness. 

 

“Come back and kiss me some more.” Jesper grinned as Wylan rolled his eyes but obliged with another kiss to his lips, then his nose. 

 

It was something Wylan had done for the entirety of their relationship, ever since that first night in the Van Eck house after the auction. Wylan always gave him a kiss on his nose, good morning, good afternoon, and good night. Jesper loved every single one of his nose kisses, and every day with Wylan in their office, going over missives, playing chess, dancing to no music. It was everything. It was a life. 

 

Before Jesper could test his limits and pull Wylan deeper into that kiss, there was a soft knock on the door of their cabin. 

 

“Go away.” Jesper called. 

 

The door burst open anyways to reveal Nina, with a beaming smile on her face. 

 

“You’re awake!” Nina yelped as she shut the door behind her. 

 

“Seems like it. If I’d known angels would greet me, I’d have forced myself from slumber sooner.” Jesper winked, ignoring another stab of pain in his side. Both Wylan and Nina rolled their eyes. 

 

“He’s clearly okay.” Nina said in Wylan’s direction, whose chin moved in a nod of false dismay. 

 

“His hearing also works,” Jesper quipped with a frown. Nina scoffed as she sat down at the edge of the bed on which he laid. 

 

“Did you and Kaz meet up in purgatory and plan this? He just woke up. You seemed happier to see me, he wanted nothing but you or Inej.” Nina chuckled softly.

 

“He’s awake?” Jesper asked urgently, trying to will his body to bolt upward. He succeeded, but was rewarded with searing pain. 

 

“Fuck.” Jesper winced, clasping a hand to his waist as the blanket fell off his chest. He was bandaged a hundred times over, could only feel the cushion of gauze as he laid his hand to his side. He was vaguely aware that he had pants on, perhaps Wylan had gotten them on him at some point. He thought he might have remembered Wylan pressed against him at one point, before he’d lost consciousness once more. 

 

“For Ghezen’s sake, do not rip your stitches.” Wylan scolded, laying a hand on his shoulder to keep him down. 

 

“I need to go thank him.” Jesper said quietly. He felt Nina and Wylan’s eyes on him. 

 

Jesper wasn’t used to this, being down. He wasn’t used to being so vulnerable, either. He was all jokes, bravado; and yet, he had to tell them the truth. He needed to go see Kaz for himself. Had to verify with his own eyes that his brother was alive, hadn’t died for him. 

 

Kaz had touched him. Dragged him to the ship from the depth of stormy seas. Kaz had scarcely touched his hand before today, but when Jesper needed him, Kaz had hauled him over his shoulder, held his head up in the water. 

 

Jesper wasn’t sure why it felt like something so much larger than even a life debt. 

 

Kaz Brekker’s actions never lied. Jesper realized it again, for perhaps the thousandth time. 

 

“Not yet. Mira is waiting outside to check on your wound and change your bandages.” Nina said softly, gently. 

 

“Now?” Jesper groaned, he felt Wylan’s hand run over his shoulder in a soothing circle. 

 

“Yes, now.” Wylan leaned in and left a kiss to his temple. His stomach flipped, every touch felt like a gift. 

 

“Fine.” Jesper fell back against the pillows. “Send her in.” He sighed when he saw Wylan smile, gratitude for his good behavior. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

“I’m going to go upstairs and tell them you’re awake. I’m pretty sure Inej will come down, but I don’t think Kaz can walk on his leg now. And you, should definitely not stand. You heard what Mira said when she changed the bandages.” Nina said as Mira exited the cabin with a nod of serious confirmation in Jesper’s direction. 

 

“Yes, fine.” Jesper sighed as he eyed the fresh bandages around his middle. He’d almost lost more sea water when he’d seen the gaping hole in his ribcage, but thankfully, Mira had used some sort of concoction to numb the area. 

 

“I’ll be back in a bit,” Nina leaned over him and left a kiss to his cheek which he returned with a smile. Jesper was thankful, they were all okay. He also had his window of opportunity, seeing as Wylan had gone to fetch something for him to eat. 

 

The door to the cabin clicked softly behind Nina, and Jesper made his choice, even through the pain of each breath. 

 

He broke the doctors orders, and did some “Jesper-ing”. He had someone to thank. Someone to check on, whose legs were not as good as his own. Kaz had carried him, now Jesper would carry himself up to Kaz. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

He hadn’t expected the hug. Nor had he expected the relief, pure and shiny like iron from the forge to coat his every extremity the moment he saw Kaz standing there with Inej. 

 

“Thank you” Jesper said as he pulled away, dumbfounded that Kaz Brekker had even been capable of a hug, despite that he’d seen Kaz hug Inej. Only ever Inej. 

 

“Don’t.” Kaz said, his voice rasping more than usual as he backed a step away from Jesper. There was a look on Kaz’s face that Jesper wasn’t sure he understood, something between surprise and relief. 

 

“You don’t even know why I said it.” Jesper was wiping at his eyes. Only he had heard what Kaz said to him in that hug. He prided himself on not being one to tear easily, but fuck if he hadn’t broken when Kaz said those words. 

 

“I didn’t think I could do it again. I’m happy you’re here, Jes.” 

 

“Didn’t ask.” Kaz was leaning against the footboard of Inej’s bed now, grabbing at his knee through a wince of pain. Jesper was barely standing himself. 

 

“You arrogant man!” Wylan huffed from the doorway. Jesper winced sheepishly at the sound of Wylan’s voice. He’d broken both Wylan and Nina’s trust to get up here, but he couldn’t bring himself to regret it. 

 

Aranhi. His brother was okay. 

 

“You ripped your stitches.” Inej huffed, eyeing Kaz. 

 

“So did he.” Kaz reasoned as he gestured to Jesper. 

 

“Oh, so we’re doing this are we?” Wylan walked into the room and his eyes were blue flames of worry as he looked back and forth between Kaz and Jesper. Inej mirrored his expression as her eyes landed on the slight bloom of crimson on Kaz’s side.

 

“Mira!” Both Inej and Wylan shouted simultaneously. Jesper met Kaz’s eyes, and they both began laughing under their breaths, doing nothing for either of their wounds. 

 

“I think you’re both in trouble.” Nina piped up from the doorway, her green eyes shining in mischief as she toyed with a strand of hair around her finger. 

 

“Worth it.” Jesper collapsed on Inej’s bed, Kaz sat beside him. They both pointedly ignored the glares being thrown at them from both a merchling and a wraith. 

 

“How’d you escape last time?” Kaz leaned over, his eyes on Inej as he spoke loud enough for them to hear. She rolled her eyes but Jesper saw her lips quirk. 

 

“You see the trick is, we wait for the medic to fix us.” Jesper said conspiratorially. 

 

“Here I was wanting to hug you senseless, and now you’re the one being the poor influence.” Inej chuckled as her eyes met Jesper’s. 

 

“You love me, Inej. Don’t lie.” Jesper smiled when Inej giggled. 

 

“I’ll go find Mira. I doubt she heard us over the drizzle. Don’t move.” Wylan looked at Jesper when he spoke and he couldn’t help the grin that unfolded on his lips as he watched his partner march for help. 

 

“Let’s go. You, Me. Food. You haven’t eaten. Even Wylan ate.” Nina was pestering Inej and Jesper noticed how the Wraith looked at Kaz for a moment, her eyes on his wound. 

 

“You can restitch me when you come back. I promise I’ll behave.” Kaz said in answer to her unspoken worry. She seemed to find honesty in his words as she followed Nina out the door, only pausing to press a kiss against Kaz’s cheek and mumble that the water pitcher was full and he should drink. 

 

Jesper almost laughed when he saw the bruise blooming on Inej’s throat above Kaz’s shirt. 

 

Good for them. 

 

Alone. Kaz and Jesper were alone again. Jesper had thought about what he might say to Kaz on his trek from below decks, but he hadn’t expected what came out of his mouth first. He supposed that the fact that he’d lived, had made him brave. 

 

“Kaz, what happened to you? You said you didn’t think you could do it again. What does that mean?” 

 

Kaz swallowed and turned his head to look at him. Then, he said a sentence Jesper hadn’t expected. 

 

“I meant I couldn’t save my brother, the first time.” 

Notes:

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Chapter 111: Golden Hour

Summary:

A song.

Notes:

Chapter 111!!!

This one is special. I really hope you love it. I hope you think it was worth the wait, and more so, I hope you feel the rightness of it, like I did. I know I'm late, but I deleted about four pages, then retyped them, then redid half the chapter. I almost cut the entire beginning of this chapter out, but it just felt... I don't know. Important. Life moments have always been what DWOD is about. So I'm aware it's slow, and honestly, I convinced myself about 100 times that this chapter sucks, and I don't honestly know. I think I just looked at it too much. I just hope you love it. <3

PS- it's not 10k like I originally planned, but you know what that means? Quick update. I already have the next chapter written. This one is still 6k. <3

Thank you forever for being here. For supporting me, for cheering me on. I love you guys more than I could ever possibly say in a few sentences.

I beg you. I beg you to tell me if this one hit the mark. The next one is going to be equally as special, for other reasons. I'm just hoping I get them right. Let me know what you think. Thank you <333

"Simply The Best" by Noah Reid (from "Schitt's creek"). (THIS IS THE SONG. YOU'LL SEE WHAT I MEAN. START IT AFTER WYLAN'S POV, but when Wylan returns to the cabin. It's literally the song. The one. It's his voice. It's them. THE LYRICS. You'll see what I mean. I even included some lyrics in the writing. please listen to it.)

KAZ

 

“We brought food!” Inej opened the door of her Captain’s quarters, followed by Nina. Jesper was laid on the bed as Kaz sat in the desk chair. Mira was wrapping new bandages over Jesper’s side as Wylan sat beside him. 

 

Kaz had almost told Jesper what had happened to him. The medic and Wylan had entered the room as soon as he worked up the courage to try and tell his story, for the third time ever. Jesper had known, Kaz saw Jesper’s eyes flick to him every now and then, even as Mira was stitching together his broken flesh. 

 

Kaz didn’t know if he was relieved or annoyed by the interruption. Didn’t know whether he was going to be able to do it in the first place, if he was honest. He may have survived telling Kahir and Sharya Ghafa, but telling Jesper felt as important as when he’d told Inej. 

 

It felt like a turning point in his life, a fork in the road. Like the one outside of Lij, one road that led to green fields, one road that pointed to Ketterdam. He was terrified to think he might choose greenery instead of smog, this time. 

 

“I’ll need you to trade places while I do yours.” Mira said in Kaz’s direction as Jesper used Wylan’s shoulder to sit up on the bed. Wylan was passing Jesper a shirt he must have procured from their cabin, and Kaz was suddenly very aware that he’d ruined his own shirt by slipping it on when Mira entered, staining it crimson from the trickle of blood at his side. His wound had nowhere near the impact of Jesper’s injury, but it was still annoying. Nina was dropping a bag of what Kaz presumed was food onto the desk, he saw Inej freeze at Mira’s words as much as he did. 

 

“No need.” Kaz rasped and the medic turned to look at him, her blonde hair was askew in a bun on her head, her eyes narrowed in annoyance. She was hardly intimidating, barely taller than Inej and all freckles on her cheeks. He held her glare. 

 

“I’ve got it Mira. I did it the first time. Go rest, tell Quin that I’ll come speak plans with her and Specht in a few bells.” Inej smiled sweetly whilst using the voice of a captain. Captain Ghafa coming in to rescue him. He was grateful, hadn’t wanted to be rude to Mira after everything. He would have been though, after today. He knew himself well enough to recognize that. 

 

Kaz felt their eyes on him, all of the rest of them. Wylan. Jesper. Nina. He felt their gazes even as Mira latched her bag shut and muttered to Jesper that he was not to move again without help to aid him going below decks. 

 

Once the door shut, Kaz lifted his eyes from where he’d been staring at a speck on Inej’s rug. He found her right in front of him, twine and needle in hand as well as a jar of what Kaz guessed was some of Mira’s numbing agent. 

 

“You promised. Also, if you bleed all over my desk, I’m going to be irritated.” Inej said softly. He sighed as she motioned to the bed. 

 

“Why didn’t you just let Mira do it?” Nina’s voice piped up from where she leaned against Inej’s dresser, an apple in her hands. 

 

Kaz ignored her as he sat down on the bed and Wylan helped Jesper to the chair that Kaz had previously occupied. 

 

“Shirt.” Inej gestured impatiently. 

 

“If you want me naked Inej, might I suggest we get rid of the audience.” Kaz grinned when her cheeks began to redden, Jesper was choking on a laugh. 

 

“No need, I’ve seen enough of that today.” Nina chirped as she began to peel her apple with a pocket knife. Kaz glared as he shrugged out of his shirt, ignoring Wylan’s “what the hell does that mean”. 

 

Kaz settled back on the bed as Inej sat beside his injured side and began to remove the soiled bandages. It didn’t hurt so much as itch when the fabric slid off his broken skin. He heard Wylan pushing Jesper to eat as Inej cleaned his wound. He avoided her eyes as he stared at the ceiling. 

 

He felt shaken, off balance. He didn’t know how he’d earned another chance to crawl from that water. Didn’t know why the world insisted on giving him another opportunity to tell them. Tell all of them why he was so stubborn, why Inej’s hands were all he could tolerate, tell them that he wasn’t just an asshole without purpose. 

 

“You look like you want to scream, Kaz. Is this alright?” Inej pitched her voice for only him to hear her. He dragged his eyes to look at her as she knelt on the bed beside him, carefully stitching. He couldn’t feel it, really. Only a slight tug on his skin. She must have used the numbing agent. He heard Nina telling Jesper about some sort of firearm she’d seen in Fjerda, he had no idea how that conversation had begun. He must have truly drifted into his thoughts. He was glad of the noise around him, gradually lending privacy to himself and Inej. 

 

“Your hands are fine.” Kaz answered her. He resisted the urge to squirm, to shift up and push that pesky black strand of hair away from her face, tuck it behind her ear. 

 

“Then what is it?” Inej raised an eyebrow as she shifted her eyes back to her work. 

 

He didn’t quite know how to tell her what he’d been considering. What he’d almost told Jesper. Realistically, he’d known it wasn’t the time. Even as Jesper had been sitting beside him, he’d known that there was bound to be too little time. 

 

His nightmare was longer than a moment to spare. 

 

Kaz didn’t know what would happen, if he told Jesper. If it would make his cruelties that much worse in Jesper’s eyes. In any of their eyes. It was true, he’d told Inej. But Inej was different, Inej understood in a way no one should have been able to, because she’d been forced to become something else, too. She’d had to crawl from her own darkness, the void of silk, and don knives as armor. 

 

Kaz still found himself wanting them to understand. He wanted them to realize that every time he’d pushed away, it hadn’t only been to enhance a reputation, spread word of his evil. There had been times he’d wanted to draw closer, to all of them. When he was seventeen, he’d longed to sit at tables with them, cramp into the corner of a tomb with them without pulling himself as far away as possible, so as to ensure no one so much as grazed his shoulder. 

 

Kaz also didn’t want to see their eyes fill with pity. The same thing Inej had always feared so reverently when telling her own tale. He didn’t want to excuse away what he was, that wasn’t the point. He was what he was- who he was- because he chose to become it, that night he crawled out of fifth harbor. 

 

His actions were still his own, no matter what cool cruelty a city of sinners had bestowed upon him. 

 

All Kaz craved was to… to make them understand. For them to understand why it had taken so long for him to move even an inch closer to Inej. He wanted Jesper to know why he wouldn’t have let him drown. It was because Jesper mattered. They all did, and they had, for so much longer than he’d been able to show it. Maybe, he’d not let this chance slide by. Soon, he told himself. 

 

“Kaz?” Inej nudged his thigh with her knee in his silence. 

 

“Just contemplating methods of murder for when Nina brings up what she most likely saw earlier.” Kaz shielded his true thoughts, noticing her worry. He tried for light, and she saw through it even as she huffed a quiet laugh. 

 

“You are horrible at lying to me. I thought we’d figured this out by now.” Inej mused as she took sheers into her fingers to cut off the unused portion of twine. 

 

“Why are you both talking all quiet over there? Quite rude seeing as there’s five of us in this room.” Nina called out and Inej lifted her head to look over at all of them, just as she finished placing a bandage over his newly stitched wound. Kaz took a deep breath, grateful for this interruption. Inej knew something was bothering him, and she would have gotten it out of him. 

 

“I wasn’t aware you wanted to hear me speak, Nina.” Kaz jested as he sat up in a swift motion. Inej handed him another shirt. He ignored the throb of pain that lanced from his knee as he stretched it out before him. Standing sounded like the worst idea in the world, right about now. 

 

“Good point.” Nina chuckled as Inej waltzed to the bag they’d brought when they returned to the room. Kaz spied apples, pomegranates, some hazelnuts. 

 

“Eat.” Inej tossed an apple at him and he caught it easily. She grinned when she looked over her shoulder. She hadn’t taken aim. 

 

“Don’t throw things like that at me, I’ll claim domestic violence.” Jesper whispered to Wylan as the ginger chuckled from his position on the floor, leaning against Inej’s desk. 

 

“Inej! Brilliant idea. Stab me. Think of the kruge I could receive in sympathy donations from the Dregs.” Kaz added with a smirk as she rolled her eyes. 

 

“You are richer than me, I will not aid you.” Inej huffed and he felt his lips pulling into a genuine smile. 

 

“Not true. All of my assets are yours, in Kerch law.” He added offhandedly, not even thinking of it. 

 

Inej froze. Froze like a stag at the end of a sniper rifle. 

 

“What?” She staggered over the word. 

 

“You do realize that’s how marriage works, right?” Jesper chuckled. Kaz didn’t miss his glance at Wylan, who remained oblivious to Jesper’s plans. Plans only Kaz knew. 

 

“I…no. I didn’t know that.” Inej said sheepishly, there was a bluster of pink moving down her bronze throat. Kaz hadn’t realized she didn’t know that, how could she not? 

 

“I suppose I did,” Inej corrected as she tossed her own apple between her fingers. “I just suppose I’d never thought of it, for myself. I only ever thought about Kerch finance in terms of indenture pay off and how it affected the marks on jobs.” 

 

Oh. 

 

“You look completely ridiculous for a woman who was just told she was much richer than she was a week ago. I’ll marry him if you don’t. I guarantee I’ll kill him, but no one would notice, I can keep him standing after his attitude has departed to the after life.” Nina grinned in Kaz’s direction and he rolled his eyes. 

 

“You can’t have him.” Inej laughed. 

 

“Don’t you eye Wylan either, Zenik. You aren’t his type.” Jesper said cheekily as Wylan reached and swatted Jesper’s calf. 

 

“Saints, I wish Matthias was here to tell us how horrible we are joking about something as sacred to Djel as marriage.” Nina smiled softly through a laugh. 

 

“He’d smile privately at the idea of it being you he was tied to.” Inej said smoothly, dropping a hand to Nina’s shoulder as she passed to sit on the floor in front of him on the bed. Nina grinned before she popped a piece of fruit in her mouth. 

 

Kaz noticed Wylan toying with a tassel on the rug beside him, a far off look in his eyes. Inej was watching him too, even as Jesper made a joke about how Nina was peeling her apple randomly instead of smoothly. 

 

“You should do it.” Inej whispered as she kicked out her foot across the small rug, nudging Wylan’s ankle. 

 

Kaz had no clue what she was speaking of. He reached out and laid a hand on Inej’s shoulder, she leaned back between his legs, careful not to brush his knee. 

 

Wylan looked up at Inej, a private sort of smile on his lips. He mouthed “you think?”. Clearly he didn’t mind that Kaz was watching the entirety of the exchange, even as Jesper and Nina continued on making jokes. 

 

Inej nodded softly as she reached back and undid the leather knot at the end of her braid. She fanned out her hair and was set to begin re-braiding it. Kaz knocked her hand away as he reached down and slipped the leather piece from her fingers. 

 

It couldn’t be that hard. He’d been watching, every time Inej braided her hair in the morning. He’d watched since he was sixteen years old. Three years seemed like good enough time observing. He could do it. He wanted to do it. 

 

“If that isn’t the most wonderful thing I’ve ever seen, I don’t know what is.” Nina laughed and Kaz looked up to find her looking at him, Jesper was chuckling too. 

 

“Mmm.” Inej smiled, making a show of closing her eyes as Kaz began brush his fingers through her hair. 

 

“You know how to braid?” Jesper joked over a bite of fruit. 

 

“I’ve been watching. I think I can do it.” Kaz corrected, not missing Inej’s snort of muffled amusement. 

 

“You trust that man with your hair?” Nina jested and Inej simply nodded under his hands. 

 

“I’ll be right back.” Wylan said as he stood from the ground, looking at Inej. She opened her eyes quickly, another private smile passed between the Wraith and the Merchling. 

 

“Specht. He’s got what you asked me about.” Inej mumbled to Wylan as he moved across the room. He nodded, slowly. Nervously.

 

Something was off. Kaz could feel it. See it. Wylan was flushed from his hair to his cheeks. 

 

“What? No goodbye kiss? I just came back from near death and this man is leaving me all alone.” Jesper pouted, mischief swirling in his iron eyes. 

 

“Jesper, don’t whine. You’ll make poor Kaz regret jumping over board to get you.” Wylan turned over his shoulder with a smirk. 

 

“You wound me.” Jesper frowned. “Kaz you could never regret getting me, could you?” 

 

“If you continue whining, I won’t put you overboard. But, I will be the one to put you in the cargo hold of this ship. Inej gave me her keys.” Kaz grinned as Inej laughed. 

 

“I’ll get you out, love. Don’t you worry. Inej loves me more than Kaz, I can sway her to let you out.” Nina chuckled in Jesper’s direction. 

 

“No need. I can manipulate metal, traitors.” Jesper laughed as Wylan rolled his eyes. 

 

“Also, how dare you give Kaz keys. Make him work for it, for Saints sake.” Nina nudged Inej’s foot with her own. 

 

“Oh, he works plenty hard. I promise you that.” Inej answered and Kaz felt his skin warm at the laughter that rose around him. 

 

“What’s mine is his?” Inej tried, choking on a giggle as Kaz tried once again to start his braid on her shaking head. 

 

“Generous, Wraith.” Kaz mumbled and she turned her head to look up at him as he glared down at her. 

 

He folded first. He smiled. 

 

“I’ll never get over the fact that his face knows how to do that.” Nina said, green eyes twinkling. 

 

“Fuck you, Zenik.” Kaz narrowed his eyes. 

 

“Actually, Inej, can you… can you help me with something?” Wylan said from where he’d stopped at the doorway to the cabin. 

 

Inej paused, glanced over at him. Inej clearly understood something the rest of them didn’t. 

 

“Yes, of course.” She smiled as she stood, hair only a quarter braided. Kaz sighed as she followed Wylan, ignoring the looks she received from both Nina and Jesper. 

 

Something was off. What was going on?

 

 

JESPER

 

“So that was weird, right?” Jesper said a moment after the door to the cabin clicked shut, Wylan and Inej gone. 

 

Kaz was nodding, still staring at the door, pale hands toying with the leather strip that should have secured Inej’s braid. 

 

“Maybe they just… I don’t know.” Nina began as she leaned back against the wall, twirling her fingers through her hair. 

 

“Maybe they just what?” Kaz pushed Nina to finish, not unkindly. 

 

“Maybe they just need a minute. They both went through the same fear today, after both of you… They understand each other. You didn’t see them, I did. I saw what you were leaving behind, if you couldn’t make it back. I saw it and I understood because Mat- because he didn’t come back. I was what he left behind. I was Wylan. I was Inej. Only I didn’t get this happy ending.” Nina spoke softly, the pure sadness behind her words felt like a crack of lightning in Jesper’s chest. 

 

“Was… was it bad?” Jesper asked quietly. 

 

He knew it had to be. Wylan had been crying when Jesper opened his eyes for the first time. Wylan rarely cried, nor did he ever look at Jesper the way he had. As if he couldn’t believe he was real. As if Jesper had come back from the dead. 

 

Wylan had looked at Jesper the way he’d looked at Marya, when they found her in the asylum.

 

Jesper hadn’t seen Inej until he’d come into this room to find Kaz, but her eyes had been red, even all these bells later. 

 

“I don’t think you want to know. Either of you.” Nina replied in a whisper, her green eyes cloudy. She didn’t look at him, or Kaz. 

 

“They would have been okay.” Kaz said under his breath. Jesper didn’t know if he’d meant to say it aloud, who he was saying it for. Himself, or Nina. 

 

“Of course. But, okay doesn’t mean happy.” Nina responded harshly. 

 

“I- yeah.” Kaz’s mouth clicked shut, his eyes drifting back to the door, as if willing Inej to return. 

 

“I just thought they’d be happy, I guess I hadn’t really considered how shaken I would have been in the reverse.” Jesper added, suddenly feeling like he should have held Wylan closer, maybe tried to wait to come see Kaz. He wanted Wylan to know he was going to be fine, they were going to be fine. 

 

A future. They would have a future filled with stars and color and music. All of it. They would have all of it. 

 

“You know they’re happy. I’ve never seen Inej smile so much as when we just went to get the food from the stores. She was literally just smiling to herself, like the world spun for her.” Nina chuckled, her eyes brightening just a bit. Jesper saw Kaz’s lips quirk up, his dark eyes lifted to Jesper. 

 

They both knew. They hadn’t wanted to die. Both of them had so much more to live for, now. 

 

“He would have been proud of you, Nina. For being happy again.” Jesper said quietly, he’d noticed Nina’s eyes had fallen back to her hands linked in her lap. 

 

“I know.” Nina confirmed, a slight dip of her chin. As if she was reminding herself. 

 

The door opened, revealing Inej as she trotted back across the floor. The open door sent a breeze through the cabin that smelled of rain and salt. As if on cue, the ship braced against a particularly angry wave. Jesper was suddenly grateful that Inej’s furniture had been bolted to it’s places within the cabin, otherwise he was certain his ass would have gone through the porthole window. 

 

“What was that about?” Jesper heard Kaz whisper as Inej sat back down in her place on the ground between his knees. 

 

“Nothing, don’t worry about it. Wylan will be back in a minute. I just helped him with something. Captain and all.” Inej shrugged, she left a kiss to Kaz’s knee through his pants as his fingers began to trail through her hair once more. 

 

Jesper almost laughed. Kaz wore scheming face as he tried to tame her hair into a plait. The strands seemed to rear against his hand’s intent. Nina saw it too as Jesper looked over, their eyes met, mirrored expressions of amusement. Kaz remained oblivious, even as inej noticed and rolled her eyes at their muffled laughter. 

 

Jesper felt his shoulders ease. It made sense, Inej had just helped Wylan find something. Maybe spare medical supplies for tonight. She was captain, that was all. Wylan was fine. He wasn’t hiding anything from Jesper. 

 

Still, Jesper watched Inej. Watched as she slipped the chain from her neck and gently pulled her engagement ring onto her finger, her eyes dancing over the gem’s strangely beautiful hue. 

 

Kaz leaned down to look over her shoulder. It was so intimate, the look they shared, that Jesper and Nina both looked away. 

 

He wished he’d packed Wylan’s ring. But no, he’d made plans on how to ask the Merchling for their own happily ever after. He’d take Wylan to the botanical gardens at the University, during that scant hour where everything turned gold. Rare in Ketterdam, a normal for the rest of the world. 

 

It was a metaphor. His life was gold with Wylan, shiny, strong, a beacon amongst the gray. 

 

Wylan Van Eck was Jesper Fahey’s golden hour. 

 

 

 

WYLAN

 

He could do this. He wanted to do this. It didn’t matter where, as long as they were all here. 

 

Inej and her faith. 

 

Nina and her wit. 

 

Kaz and his mind. 

 

Jesper and his laughter. 

 

And… Wylan. Wylan and his stroke of incomprehensible luck that he’d found all of them. 

 

Jesper was on the other side of the door, Wylan could hear Inej laughing, heard Kaz say something, words on a wind of stone. Nina chuckled, her voice like the cymbals in a band. Loud. Musical. Beautiful. 

 

Then he heard Jesper’s laugh. A laugh that brought the feeling of freedom from low in Wylan’s chest. It was a laugh that evoked images of birds flying, of tall grass by a river swaying in the breeze, of sunshine during rainstorms. 

 

Things that made sense, if only because of their utter wildness. Their freedom. 

 

Wylan had never been able to read poetry, but he’d seen it. 

 

Seeing poetry was seeing the sharpshooter twirl his pearl handled revolvers. 

 

He’d felt poetry. Poetry was the way Jesper would rub his back in the mornings, to coax him from sleep. Hands calloused yet soft, skin dark and glimmering in sunlight. 

 

Poetry was what Jesper had composed in the symphony of Wylan’s life. Wylan wanted to listen to their melody of bombs and bullets forever. 

 

All he needed was the courage. He gripped the borrowed guitar Specht had lent him tighter. Inej had gone with him to retrieve it from her first mate, the ex-naval officer was apparently a fan of shanties. He had the guitar for late nights on the sea, to lift the spirits of the Wraith. 

 

Inej hadn’t asked why he needed it. She knew why. She’d helped Wylan for months, now. Inej had been who had written the words for the inside of Jesper’s ring to give to the jewelers. Inej had helped him write the lyrics. Wylan knew she hadn’t so much as mentioned his plan, even to Kaz. 

 

Inej was trustworthy. Always. Wylan had first asked her to help him, all those months ago, after she returned from her second voyage. He remembered walking down the snow dusted streets, her arm in his, and he’d just burst open. Told her how much he wanted to marry Jesper. 

 

“Then marry him, Wylan. Ask him.” She’d said, so easily. Back then, Wylan had seen sadness flit across her eyes in the span of a moment. She’d never thought she and Kaz would reach this point. How wrong she’d been. Kaz had mustered up the balls to ask her before Wylan had plucked up the courage to ask Jesper. 

 

Part of Wylan had thought maybe Jesper would ask him, but he’d shaken the thought off. Jesper had told him before that he wasn’t sure he ever could do it, not when the merchant council would see it as a disgrace on Wylan. Not because their marriage would be of two men, no, Ketterdam was thankfully not so backwards; but because of Jesper’s reputation, back when he’d been a gambling addict. He also came from no wealth, was not a son of profit, as the mercher’s liked to call natives of Kerch. 

 

Wylan hated it when Jesper got that look in his eye, the one that spoke of shame from past misdeeds in the cramped gambling halls on the Staves. Jesper was so much more than his past, so much a better man than he gave himself credit for. They were young, Jesper barely coming up on his twentieth birthday, slightly older than Kaz. Wylan was only eighteen. It was not uncommon in Ketterdam, to marry young. Most women did, anyhow. He didn’t feel young. Nor did he have a single doubt in his mind. 

 

It was Jesper, always. It was Jesper, or it was no one. 

 

They had a future, and Jesper was already creating a name for himself in the stock trade. They had the college, a passion project of both of their minds. Something Wylan had dreamed of, something his father never would have allowed to come to pass. Too bad Hellgate didn’t receive post. In a few weeks, the Van Eck College of Musical Arts would be on the front page of the Ketterdam Prospect, with Wylan and Jesper’s portraits side by side. 

 

Fuck you, Jan. I fucking made it. 

 

Wylan paced once more in front of the door, he tugged awkwardly at his sweater and rolled the sleeves up to his elbows despite the chill. He tried to flatten the auburn curls on the top of his head. If he’d been smart, maybe he would have run a comb through his hair when he’d gone belowdecks to fetch Jesper’s ring, now safely in his front pocket. 

 

One more deep breath. Another chorus of laughter sounded from the other side of the wooden door. Wylan had thought about coaxing Jesper to privacy, but it wasn’t them. Jesper was so alive, all of their friends around would only make it more… them. Their love had been brought to life around these people, it should be seen to this milestone with them, too. 

 

I can do this. I’m Wylan Van Eck. 

 

JESPER

 

“That is so not true.” Nina laughed as Inej told a story that neither himself nor Kaz had ever heard, about a very drunk night on Nina’s balcony at the House of the White Rose. 

 

“Yes it is! You were drunk, and you kept telling me how blue Matthias’ eyes were, and how you couldn’t wait for me to meet him when you would eventually convince Kaz to get him out of prison. I have to say Neens, it was a very different introduction than what you promised.” Inej choked out in a fit of laughter, her newly braided hair swinging over her shoulder. Kaz’s legs were on either side of the Wraith where she sat on the ground, and Kaz’s hand was rubbing into her neck as she laughed. Kaz was even smiling at Nina. 

 

“Oh, hush! If you keep embarrassing me, I’m going to tell everyone here exactly what you said while completely inebriated. Or do you not recall what brought you to my window that night in the first place?” Nina wiggled her eyebrows before she tossed a hazelnut into her mouth. Inej’s face flushed immediately. 

 

“You wouldn’t.” Inej glared, though her dark eyes still flared in amusement. 

 

“Oh, Nina, dove. Please tell us.” Jesper added in over a bite of his pomegranate. He’d finally decided to eat some more, Wylan had been gone for half a bell. He’d be back soon, Jesper told himself. Though he kept glancing back at the door. He was no better than Kaz was whenever Inej left. 

 

“Jes!” Inej scolded and he could only grin. 

 

“I vote she tells us.” Kaz rasped and Inej elbowed the shin of his good leg, raising a smirk from Brekker. 

 

“Well, Inej was there because she was irritated with you.” Nina began and Inej dropped her head in her hands on an embarrassed sigh. 

 

“Naturally.” Kaz rasped, his hand continued to rub circles in the back of Inej’s neck. 

 

“But the best part? Oh that’s when she said, and I quote, “I just wish he wasn’t so saints-damned pretty.”” Nina mimicked Inej and Jesper was lost in laughter as Inej groaned, her head still bowed. 

 

“I’m pretty?” Kaz whispered down to Inej with a smirk, Inej who promptly pushed him away with blushed cheeks and a glare. 

 

“You’re pretty when you keep your mouth shut.” Inej mumbled and Kaz actually laughed, freely. Jesper was still getting used to seeing that with him, seeing Kaz amused and not a scheme lingering in his features. He liked it on Kaz, on his brother. 

 

“Seconded.” Jesper added and Inej grinned as Kaz rolled his eyes, there was a light flush to his pale skin, too. 

 

Just then, the door creaked open and Wylan stepped inside, clutching a scuffed up guitar. 

 

“Welcome back, Merchling. We were just making Inej blush since you weren’t present.” Jesper beamed as the Merchling sighed, his lips tilted into that tiny smile only native to Wylan’s face. 

 

“What’s that for? Please tell me you are about to play something for us.” Nina giggled as she eyed the guitar in Wylan’s pale fingers. 

 

Wylan cleared his throat, tugged on a stray string at the hem of his sweater. Jesper saw Inej smirking, looking straight at Wylan. Kaz’s eyebrow was raised, confused as Jesper was. 

 

“I… yeah.” Wylan nodded once. His blue eyes glittered in the lamplight flickering from Inej’s desk. It was day outside, Jesper knew, but the sky was black. Dark. Storming still on the horizon through the porthole window. He had no idea what time it was, if he was honest. He didn’t care as Wylan avoided his gaze. 

 

“What is it?” Jesper couldn’t hold back the words. 

 

Nervous Merchling was his least favorite, right up there with sad Merchling. Had something happened? 

 

Then, Wylan looked up at him. Took a step closer and pulled Inej’s trunk from the end of her bed to sit down amongst all of them. 

 

“I thought…I thought I wasn’t going to get the chance to do this, today. I don’t think I’ve ever been more afraid. Not when my father could have killed me, not when I was alone in the Barrel, not when we broke into the Ice Court. Not at the auction. Not when we weren’t sure if my mother would ever recover from her years of being heavily drugged. Nothing compared to the fear I felt when I thought you weren’t coming home, Jes.” Wylan said, his eyes locked with Jesper. 

 

Jesper felt warmth cascade through his veins, affection so strong it may as well have been an injection of blue eyes and freckles. He didn’t know what was going on. Wylan was so serious, so scared. He wanted to touch him, hold him. 

 

Jesper leaned forward, but Wylan held up his hand with a smile to stop him. Jesper was vaguely aware of the other’s eyes. He couldn’t see anything beyond his partner, perched on a trunk, a guitar in hand. 

 

“I wrote something for you. I’d…I want to play it for you. It was meant for a piano, but I can play this, too.” Wylan said gently. 

 

“Okay.” Jesper breathed, his mouth already moving into a smile as Wylan settled the guitar over his knees. 

 

The notes were warm, so warm. His voice was what Jesper imagined poets all tried to capture. Like honey and sunshine and all the good things of life mixed together, with color louder than a  Zemini sunset. 

 

Wylan. Wylan. Wylan. Wylan. Wylan. Wylan. Wylan. 

 

“You come to me, wild and wired, you come to me, give me everything I need. Speaking the language of love like you know what it means. You’re simply the best, better than all the rest. Tear us apart, baby I’d rather be dead.” He sang. 

 

Wylan. Wylan. Wylan. 

 

“I’m stuck on your heart, I hang on every word you say.” 

 

The song finished, but Jesper’s heart beat so loud it rang in his ears. Wylan had written it for him. A song. His song. Their song. Them. 

 

“I’m crying.” Nina whimpered and Jesper realized, he was, too. There were tears going down his cheeks for the second time today. Wylan was crying, too. Jesper knew Inej had moved onto the bed beside Kaz, he knew she was wrapped in his arms, but Jesper couldn’t focus anywhere besides the blue eyes in front of him. 

 

A sea he’d gladly drown in. 

 

“What was that for?” Jesper’s voice cracked as Wylan set the guitar against the trunk.

 

Wylan knelt in front of the chair where Jesper sat, one knee to the ground as he held up a band of silver. 

 

Tears. Tears. Tears. It wasn’t possible. Jesper was supposed to do this, and hope to Inej’s saints that Wylan wanted this with him. He didn’t deserve Wylan. But fuck he loved him. He loved him so much. 

 

“Jesper Llewellyn Fahey, I want to marry you. I want to share my life with you. I want to give you everything I have, and I want to laugh, every single day, because of you. I want to marry you, because I have fallen irrevocably in love with your stupid face.” Wylan choked, his cheeks redder than Jesper had ever seen. 

 

“I was supposed to do this. I’d been… I have one for you, too.” Jesper was sobbing. He couldn’t hold it back. He was choking and sniffling and he couldn’t care less. 

 

“Say yes, and you can give me yours, then.” Wylan smiled as he reached up, brushing away tears from Jesper’s cheeks. 

 

“Obviously. Obviously. Please keep me.” Jesper pulled him off the ground. He wanted to stand, but he couldn’t wait. Couldn’t focus on the wound in his side. Wylan was in his arms, and Jesper inhaled the scent of earl gray, that hint of the amber candles Wylan burned in their bedroom at the house. Jesper choked into his partner’s shoulder as Wylan held him tight. 

 

Wylan pulled back and cupped his face with one hand as he pulled Jesper’s left hand to him, and slid on that band of silver. It was beautiful, Jesper noted dimly that there had been a flash of purple inside the ring as Wylan placed it on his finger. 

 

When Wylan’s lips touched his, Jesper knew that this was it. Golden hour. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Sorry to steal your thunder, Kaz.” Wylan muttered to the room as he pulled back from Jesper’s lips. Jesper laughed as Kaz’s voice carried to him. 

 

“None was taken, she’s right here.” 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NINA

 

In the next life, drüskelle. That will be us.  

Notes:

I hope I got it right for them. I felt it, with Wylan. Just as I did with Kaz. It was supposed to be something else, and in this case, from someone else. But it felt like it needed to be Wylan, I just can't explain it. PLEASE listen to the song I listed. It's what I imagine Wylan's song to be. It's what I felt. It's even close to what I imagine Wylan's voice to be. <3 I love you guys. I hope you feel it. <33 (THE LYRICS, I REPEAT.)

Socials to ask me ?s and hang out:

tiktok: @ravenyenn19
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Chapter 112: Stealing Honesty

Summary:

Truth.

Notes:

Chapter 112!

Hi everyone! it's a tad late, and I am sorry. Laptop problems last night prolonged my update, but to make it up to you, this chapter is 10k words. I hope you love it, because its a big one. A hard one. One that almost broke me. I hope you love it, again. <3 We have some crazy things coming up, I promise you that. I hope you're ready.

Thank you forever for being here. You all mean the world to me, twice over. <3 I'll never stop saying it.

Please let me know what you think. This one is a lot, originally two chapters, but I just... it all felt right together. I don't know. I can't wait to hear from you guys.

"This Is Me Trying" by Taylor Swift. (You'll get it, I promise. Oof. Big feels.)

INEJ

 

“That’ll be it. We wait another six or seven bells. I want eyes out on the horizon in rotations until then, I’ll take last watch. I need some sleep, but I want everyone to get their proper rest. We can’t risk sailing closer to the coast now, anyhow. So, we do what we can. If you’re eager for a task, we need to evaluate damage on both the starboard and port side, they may not have fired canons, but we still took hits, both from the sea and debris.” Inej finished her meeting with Specht, Quin, and Greer at the helm. A round of confirmations rose from her crew as they dispersed. 

 

Inej looked up at the sky, it was late afternoon but the sky was dark as dusk, heavy with the promise of more rain. She felt it in the air. Inej wanted to scream, she also wanted to cry with tears of profound happiness. 

 

Jesper and Kaz were safe. Wylan had asked Jesper to marry him, and Saints, did they deserve it. Just as much as she and Kaz did. 

 

Drops sprinkled from the sky to Inej’s face as she scrunched her nose against the assault. It had been about twelve bells since the attack of Kane’s ships had ceased, but she had not slept. Not even when she’d stayed in the bed beside Kaz, keeping his body temperature up. She’d been too focused on his breathing, on wondering whether he and Jes would pull through. Her limbs felt heavy as she leaned against the wheel of the ship, staring out over dark water. There would be no stars tonight, she thought. The Wraith was essentially stuck due to the storm. They were lucky, though. Lucky that they’d found a relative deep water, far enough from the break waves of the Kerch coast. They could stay anchored and ride out the weather, even if it may get rocky. It was better than traversing forward, one way or another, through the heart of the storm once more. 

 

Damn Kerch and it’s weather systems. A little island of a country, why does it need hurricane weather?

 

Her every other thought was of those stolen people, the ones she’d intended to rescue on the other side of Kerch at the small ports. The entire reason for this voyage in the first place. Frankly, Inej didn’t know if Kane’s main fleet was even heading there, now. Had it all been a ruse? A singular trap to lure the Wraith out of fifth harbor and into the jaws of the two vessels she’d sunk? Were those other ships actually heading for Ketterdam, now? 

 

Thirty souls. Thirty innocent souls. Maybe more. They were worth fighting for. 

 

Saints, let this storm pass. Send me aim. 

 

Inej sighed as she withdrew her compass from her pocket, she eyed the inscription on the lid. Kaz’s message to her. Come Home. How many of those people had homes, too? Wives and husbands, mothers and fathers, lovers and friends? 

 

How had Inej been granted passage home, to Kaz, to her parents, to her friends, but those souls had not been granted the same leave? The same mercy? 

 

“I’ll have to grant it myself.” Inej whispered as she slipped her compass back into the pocket of her coat. 

 

“You okay?” Inej startled as she turned around to face the stairs leading to the main deck, finding Nina standing there, coat pulled tight around her body against the wind. 

 

“Yes, I think.” Inej tried to smile but the joy didn’t stretch her lips. “I’m just feeling sorry for myself.” 

 

“Why?” Nina moved to lean against the rail. Inej knew Nina’s expression, the one that said ‘I’ll drag it from you if I must’. Inej grinned softly at that face. 

 

“We have to wait out the storm. There’s no other way. I don’t know if I’ll be able… if I can get to those I swore to rescue.” Inej said quietly, her heart like a brick in her chest. 

 

“Inej Ghafa. Don’t you dare.” Nina scolded gently. “You are out here in this storm because you are good enough to try as no one else does. Do you think those who are trapped would hate you, if they knew? If they knew that you had at the least attempted, when not even the Saints have intervened? I’ll answer for you. No, they wouldn’t. They’d be grateful that there is still good in this world.” 

 

Inej paused as she stared at the sails above her, tight and pulled against the wind and the anchor. She knew Nina was right, it did nothing for her spirit of retribution. 

 

“Besides, we both know the crew over exerted themselves, this was never going to be an easy mission. You owe it to those here, to let them heal. To let them help you heal, too.” Nina added quietly. “A soldier taught me that.” 

 

“You are a soldier.” Inej smiled. 

 

“Yes, but I learned from a better one. One willing to change his heart; to listen to his brothers and guide them down new paths, yet still remain the leader he was.” Nina whispered, emerald eyes lifted to meet Inej’s gaze. 

 

“I don’t know what path to sail us down, Nina. Maybe returning to Ketterdam would be wise, in case the fleet moves there. Maybe sailing on to the small ports. Either way, Kaz and Jesper are down. It would be you and I, Wylan. Against all those we encounter.” Inej answered, her voice wavered. 

 

She hadn’t wanted to leave her cabin, that room swelling with love, safety and home. For once, she’d wanted someone else to be Captain. To make these choices that carried the weight of loss and life in equal measure. 

 

You are Captain Inej Ghafa.

 

“You’ll know. I know you want to figure it out now, but you haven’t slept, ‘Nej. You barely ate. Kaz is down there glowering at the apple you left half-eaten. I fear he’s going to figure out how to start fires with his eyes.” Nina chuckled as she stepped forward, wrapped an arm around Inej’s shoulder. 

 

Inej leaned into her friend, let herself be carried, if only for a moment, by the wind of another’s words. 

 

“How’s Jes? I know when I left his pain tonic was starting to wear off.” Inej mumbled as both girls stood and stared out at the water. 

 

“Wylan just helped him back downstairs, practically skipping with joy, even though Jesper was a lug on his arm. Mira was waiting for them.” Nina snorted. Inej didn’t think she imagined the whisper of sadness in Nina’s tone. 

 

“And how are you?” Inej asked as she shifted to look better at Nina. 

 

“I’m…” The Corpse Witch paused, blew a stray strand of brown hair out of her face. Nina’s eyes looked conflicted, a pendulum swinging between the ease of falsehood and the magnetism of honesty. “I’m okay. I’m just glad Kaz and Jesper came back.” Nina finally replied after a long moment. 

 

“Sera kai hapti.” Inej whispered as the wind whipped against the sails above, a sly whistle.

 

“In death, we watch.” Nina nodded, clearly knowing enough Suli to translate Inej’s proverb. 

 

“He watches, Nina. I know it is more difficult to love a soul you cannot see, but isn’t that what we all must do with ourselves? We cannot see our insides, we cannot fathom our face to others. All we can do is love from within, where we reside. Perhaps, loving the dead is like that.” Inej paused as Nina turned to look at her, mouth set as if she held her lip from wobbling. “We love the dead, from this side. Never knowing how they see us. Never knowing how much good that love does. But we feel it, none the less. Just as we feel our own souls heal when we grant them love and forgiveness instead of anger and frustration. Give your heart mercy, Nina. Let him love you from afar, too. And someday, he’ll watch you with happiness, when you give your love to another.” 

 

Nina caught her breath, her eyes glassy. 

 

“I picture him with long hair again. I think of how the wind must blow it, because there simply must be wind in the next life. I picture him storing heaps of those ugly fjerdan sweaters for me to wear when I see him again.” Nina cried softly. Inej laid her hand out on the rail, where Nina laced her fingers with Inej’s. “It’s just hard, sometimes. It’s hard seeing how many steps you and Kaz will take, together. How many lay ahead of Jes and Wylan. But I know. I know he’s out there, somewhere. He’s got snow in his eyelashes, and he walks the line between the stars and the ice.”

 

“I picture him planting those Ash wood trees. Big ones. Just to spite Kaz.” Inej added with a laugh and Nina’s shoulders shook in a chuckle. 

 

“I hope that Kaz lives an entire life with you Inej, but just to spite him, I hope Matthias greets him on the other side first, with a list of his sins against Djel.” Nina laughed freely now, and so did Inej. 

 

Her heart felt lighter. 

 

“It feels good, to laugh when I talk about him.” Nina said as she swallowed a giggle and wiped a tear from her cheek with the back of her hand. 

 

“He would have always wanted you to laugh, and eat. Always eat, Nina. Matthias always looked so afraid when you didn’t have an appetite, like you were going to simply raise the world into ashes or something.” Inej choked out over another giggle. 

 

“Did I ever tell you he didn’t much care for ice cream? That silly man I loved? Can you believe that?” Nina added, her tears now from laughter instead of sorrow. 

 

“He’s out of the club.” Inej laughed. 

 

“That’s what I said!” Nina hiccuped. 

 

Inej didn’t know how long they stayed like that, chatting until the chill of the rain was but a whimper against their amusement. Stories shared over the sea like biscuits. It was what Inej needed, from the depth of her soul. She wondered if it had been all that Nina needed, too. 

 

“Okay, now this rain is getting ridiculous.” Nina laughed as they finally turned their eyes to the sky, both of their heads soaked, hair plastered to their scalps. “I told Kaz I’d come back with you in a minute, over a bell ago.” 

 

“How did you even convince him to stay down?” Inej chuckled as they made for the stairs, mindful of their steps on the slippery wood. 

 

“I lied, of course.” Nina shot Inej an amused glance as they began the descent. “I told him that if he didn’t stay sitting, especially because his knee was the size of a melon, that I would tell you he was pacing around and putting his health last.” 

 

“I would have believed you, he’s terrible at that.” Inej smirked. 

 

“I know. He saw the promise of a furious Wraith on his horizon and said ‘fine’ and sat back down.” 

 

They reached the door to Inej’s cabin, only after Nina almost fell on her face on a rock of the waves. 

 

“Do you want to come back in?” Inej asked as she turned to open the door. Nina shook her head softly. 

 

“No. Go finish whatever I walked in on earlier, you deserve it.” Nina winked. Inej rolled her eyes, but she felt butterflies take flight in her belly. 

 

“I assure you… that, can wait. If you want company. I can’t promise he won’t grumble, but when have I ever heeded his permission?” Inej smiled. 

 

“No, I need to sleep. Wake me when we’re going somewhere. Go get him, Inej. You have what I don’t. Don’t waste a second.” Nina said seriously, though a gentle smile lit up her face. With that, the Corpse Witch was gone, heading for her own cot belowdecks. 

 

Inej breathed the salt air deep into her lungs once more as she stood in the rain, the sky filled with scattered violet clouds. 

 

Don’t waste a second. 

 

 

KAZ

 

He heard the creak of the door, he jolted up on the bed, his eyes struggling to adjust to the world of the waking. 

 

“Hey, sorry. Rusty hinges.” Inej’s voice carried to him as he ran a hand over his face. He hadn’t meant to fall asleep, one moment Nina was leaving to find Inej after Jesper and Wylan had departed, and the next, he was waking up. The lanterns had burned low, barely illuminating the cabin.

 

“I… I meant to wait for you.” Kaz mumbled, his voice tight and scratching against thirst. 

 

“You barely drank, am I right?” Inej’s words held the tone of a knowing smirk as Kaz found her in the dim light filtering from the porthole window. 

 

“You know how much sea water you took in, you’re probably dehydrated, mera chaar.” Inej said then, he saw her shadow move to the water pitcher, the slosh of liquid into a tin mug. 

 

“We were busy.” Kaz mumbled, a flimsy excuse by all counts. 

 

“I intend for you to continue living, Kaz. Drink. We have a life to live.” Inej was pushing the mug into his hand then, his eyes finally adjusting. He looked up to find Inej’s hair dripping into her forehead, he hadn’t even registered the smattering of rain against the window over the crash of waves. 

 

“Thanks.” He answered as he chugged the water down, his throat singing fresh water praises. He noticed her small smile as she turned to toss a log into her small stove in the corner of the cabin. 

 

“Why were you out in the rain for so long? Was it long?” Kaz asked after he finished the water, he had no idea how long he’d been asleep. His leg throbbed, as he shifted to sit up better on the bed.

 

“Nina and I were talking, after the meeting with Specht and the others.” Inej responded as she pulled out the fire poker and nudged the embers around, encouraging them to feast on her log. 

 

“How did it go, Captain?” He asked. He smiled inwardly when she shot him a warm look over her shoulder, one that had nothing to do with the fire dancing in her irises. 

 

“We have to wait out the storm. We’re in the safest spot we can be until the storm breaks and the waves smooth. We’ll reevaluate in six or seven bells. The crew… we all need rest.” Inej mumbled. Kaz noticed how her shoulders straightened, how she ran her hands together before the stove, urging them to warmth. 

 

Inej’s nerves were always quiet, subtle. He could only read them due to their years together. They were showing, now. 

 

“Talk to me.” Kaz rasped. He wanted more water, but his leg screamed the moment he began to coax his feet to the ground. 

 

“Stop. No standing.” Inej glared as she walked and took his cup from him. He caught her wrist and lifted her fingers to his lips. His kiss to her knuckles was rewarded with a faint flush to her cheeks, a lift of her lips. 

 

“It’s the people, Kaz.” Inej began as she refilled his cup, kicking her boots off and locking the door on the way. 

 

Kaz listened as Inej told him her every worry, listened as she stripped out of her rain soaked clothes and hung them over her desk chair to dry near the warmth of the stove. 

 

“We’re going to figure it out, Inej.” Kaz voiced to her as she draped her shirt and began to unravel her bindings. He diverted his eyes, if only for his own self preservation. Instead, he noticed how her hand drifted down to her leg. 

 

She kept worrying her thigh, he realized as she stripped further. Kept rubbing it. He hadn’t intended to interrupt her but once she began to pull on his sweater over her underthings, he saw what it was as she stepped into the light of the fire. 

 

A deep constellation of black and purple bruising was snaking up her leg. Earlier, he’d not seen her without pants. 

 

“What is that?” Kaz glared at the offending mark to her skin. She sighed as she dropped the sweater over her head, effectively ruining what was left of her braid. 

 

“I took a kick earlier in the fight. It’s nothing.” Inej mumbled as she turned back to the dresser to tame her wet hair with a brush. 

 

“Inej.” Kaz tried to cajole his vocal chords into sounding less stern, but they did not listen. 

 

“What?” She asked lightly, though she did not turn to look at him. 

 

“If my leg is bad, and I must rest, you will damn well hold yourself to the same standard.” Kaz motioned to the bed, he knew she saw his gesture in the small mirror above her dresser. 

 

“Not the same thing and you know it.” She argued, and yet, she relented to his glare in the mirror. She stepped softly up to the bed and he lifted the blankets for her as she crawled into her side, closest to the wall. 

 

She sat still for all of two moments before an “oh, I forgot” escaped her lips. She was up before he could even object. He threw his eyes to the sky and resorted to pleading with her deities, though he smothered a smile. 

 

Saints, if you listen to her, listen to me this time. Give me patience with my future wife who pushes herself just as much as I do, even if she’s better at hiding it. 

 

“I warmed this for you.” Inej crawled back onto the bed and knelt beside his legs, holding a warm compress, fresh from the small rack above the stove.

 

Oh.

 

“For your knee. I also had this in the trunk, I got it out earlier before you woke up. I meant to have it out for you.” Inej reached behind her to the ground to pull up a small throw cushion. “You can elevate it under the compress, it’ll help with the swelling.” 

 

Her smile then was so pure, so eager to help him. His heart stuttered in his chest as he looked at her. 

 

“You… you’re.” His jaw clicked shut. He’d never been truly sick around Inej, never been wounded to a point where he couldn’t push himself through it and present himself to the Dregs as if nothing had happened at all. 

 

If Kaz was honest, he’d never had anyone take care of him this way. Not even when he’d first broken his leg. He’d beaten Anika verbally whenever she came near enough to try and help him. He’d barely survived allowing Pim or Rotty to help him from his cot in those few weeks he’d tried to allow his leg to heal. He’d vomited in the washroom almost every time that Rotty had accidentally touched his bare wrist above his gloves. Back then, they’d all been young. Fourteen or fifteen, Pim the eldest at sixteen. It was before Inej. Back when he’d only just begun gunning for lieutenant under Per Haskell; just an evil little bastard eager to prove himself. 

 

The closest he’d ever come to this was when Sharya Ghafa had handed him ice in a bag. At least, no one had cared for him like this since he’d left the farm. Since his Da died. 

 

“Don’t look at me like you won’t allow this. I’m going to be your wife, and I’ll have you know that I will not take kindly to you not granting me the mantle of caretaker when you need it.” Inej narrowed her eyes on him as she tapped his ankle, asking him to lift his bad leg so she could ease the cushion underneath. 

 

He moved without truly thinking, immediately regretting it when he hadn’t braced his joints. He almost groaned. His teeth bit into the side of his cheek. 

 

“Roll up your pant leg.” Inej said once he settled his leg onto the cushion. He did as was asked, carefully this time. He avoided her eyes and his knee when it was revealed. His knee was swollen to the point of bruising, the pressure tender and painful. 

 

“Can I touch, if I’m careful?” She asked quietly as she fiddled with the compress in her hands. 

 

Kaz swallowed. Inej had never touched his leg bare. No one had. Ever. Not even the medics after he broke it. He hadn’t allowed it. It felt alarmingly intimate, something far different than when she touched him in the most expected ways between a couple. It was different than when she undressed him, made him curse. It was just… different. 

 

“I don’t know.” The words fell out his mouth lamely, just as pressurized as his knee. 

 

“Trust me, please?” Inej looked at him from under those dark lashes, lashes long enough to cast a shadow to her cheekbones in the fire light. 

 

His head nodded, even as his mind reeled. If he was truly something new, something Rietveld, something Brekker, something Dirtyhands, something all of them… he needed to trust her with all of him. 

 

Inej’s fingers were lighter than a feather as she gently touched his knee, making sure the cushion elevated properly. He winced, not from pain, but from the contact. She paused immediately but he dipped his chin in answer for her to continue. 

 

Then, Kaz noticed her fingers were shiny, glimmering with salve. 

 

“The numbing agent, I borrowed the entire jar from Mira. She has plenty.” Inej replied to his raised eyebrow. Gently, her fingers touched his knee again, a brush only. It tickled, in the oddest way. 

 

It felt like a blow of a warm breeze, and then, the pain was less. It felt differently than when Inej had applied the cream to the wound on his side, he still felt his knee. It didn’t feel numb, but the pain was easing off, like a weening. 

 

“Good?” Inej asked as she looked up at him, amber flickering in her irises. 

 

“Good.” Kaz smiled then, as she finished with the cream. He’d never known that concoction existed. He wanted some. 

 

“Mira said to keep this one. We’ll order more from the apothecary when we get back to Ketterdam.” Inej finished his thoughts for him once again as she reached and cleaned her hands on a second rag from atop her dresser. 

 

“How do you do that?” Kaz mumbled under his breath as Inej breathed out a chuckle. 

 

“Because I know you, and you were already considering if it would stain the inside of your trousers, and no, it won’t.” Inej laughed again and he couldn’t hold back the grin on his face as she looked back to his knee. 

 

“You have one of these scars here, too. Like the ones on your thighs. What are they from?” Inej asked softly, eyes searching his face for an answer, her wariness shined through. Kaz realized he’d never told her about those scars, nor had she ever asked, despite that he’d been completely naked around her many more times now. 

 

“The Plague. The… the Fire pox. I was nine. I scratched when I shouldn’t have.” Kaz answered, suddenly feeling a wave of something he didn’t think he’d ever quite experienced as strongly. Self-consciousness. While he’d obviously known the scars were there, he’d stopped thinking of them long ago. Of course she’d noticed. They were ugly little marks. Uglier than any of his other numerous scars, if only for their history.

 

Inej looked back at the scar, just below his knee. It was just after where the line of ointment stopped. She nodded softly, her acknowledgement. 

 

Then, she leaned down, and kissed his leg, right where that scar marred his pale skin. She laid the warm compress over his knee before she laid down beside him and left a kiss to his lips, with the same tenderness as her kiss to his leg. 

 

He’d never look at those scars the same way again. 

 

He’d never look at his life the same way again, after today. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Sleep did not claim him, not even as he laid beside Inej in the gray and gold light from both the stove and the storm. The compress and the ointment did wonders for his knee, enough that he’d been able to get up and limp to the small wash closet across Inej’s cabin to see to his own needs without waking her. He’d found his toothbrush already laid out for him. 

 

Inej was always doing things like that. She had for so long that Kaz didn’t even remember when she’d begun reading his thoughts, anticipating his needs. 

 

When Kaz exited the wash closest, he looked at Inej, who had promptly rolled over in her sleep to the space he’d previously occupied. 

 

A sneaky cat seeking the warm spot on the bed. He smiled.

 

Kaz quietly pulled on his coat, now dry from the earlier rain. He sat in her chair to pull on his socks and shoes. His gaze kept flickering to her, certain he might wake her. He didn’t want to, not when she looked so peaceful, when she’d been through so much. When they’d been through so much. 

 

Something was calling to Kaz, a need for fresh air while he had it, away from Ketterdam. His knee was much better than earlier, but he didn’t intend to walk far. The rain had paused, at least for now. It was growing dark through the port hole window. He plucked up his cane and found a spare pair of his gloves in his bag. 

 

Moments later, Kaz had eased himself out of Inej’s cabin, somehow managing to close the door without it squeaking enough to wake her. The air on his face was crisp and startlingly clear. The sun was beginning to set, if he had to guess through the heavy cloud cover. Dusk. 

 

Kaz spotted a figure in the crows nest of the ship, far above him. He thought it might be Greer, she was scanning the horizon with a spyglass. Kaz turned and made his way up the stairs to the helm, slowly. His knee still yelled, but he intended to sit. Kaz spotted a stack of crates beyond the wheel, near the rail. He’d seen Specht sitting on them the day before, after they’d sailed from fifth harbor. 

 

Kaz took out a match for the lantern that he’d taken from the wall outside Inej’s cabin, as he sat down on the first crate and set the light beside him on another. 

 

The sea rocked the ship as Kaz breathed in the air and stared at the darkening sky, thankful the deck was all but abandoned save for the lookout. 

 

He was alive. It felt more real, now. Outside. Above the Water. Above the past. 

 

JESPER

 

He didn’t know what had provoked him to go above decks after Wylan fell asleep,  perhaps it was the simple and gratifying act of walking up the steps himself without supervision; and this time carefully. His pain tonic had helped, the one Mira had dosed him with. He still felt exhausted, but less than earlier. 

 

Jesper had shrugged on his coat as Wylan dozed in the cot, his hair a disarray of red curls. 

 

Fiancé. He understood why Inej called Kaz that every chance she had, now. He wanted to scream it forever. Wylan was his forever. He’d made it. He wasn’t a nobody, he was a lucky man. 

 

Lucky. Far luckier than he’d ever been at the tables. He rarely felt that itch anymore, but Jesper knew it would always be there. He just needed to be strong enough to never give in to that wicked temptation. 

 

Now, Jesper was walking the rail of the main deck, watching that dark water. If he’d thrown up a middle finger at it, no one had to know. The wind blew against his cheeks, cold and sharp. Jesper loved it, loved this feeling. This feeling of standing on his own two legs, high above where he’d once been. 

 

A glint of a lantern caused Jesper to turn his head up to the helm of the ship, someone must have been up there. Before he could ignore his gut, Jesper began to walk again, slower this time as he worked his way up the stairs to the upper deck. There, sitting on an upturned crate, was Kaz. A lantern glowed beside him as he shuffled a deck of cards between his fingers absent-mindedly, his dark eyes focused on his movements. 

 

“You know, both Wylan and Inej would kill us if they found out that both of us got up.” Kaz’s rasp carried to Jesper as he stood at the top of the stairs. Of course Kaz had heard him, Jesper had breathed heavier than he ever had going up a few flimsy steps. 

 

“Mind if I join you? We can await certain punishment together.” Jesper grinned as he pulled down another crate from the stack to sit across from Kaz. 

 

“Not at all.” Kaz answered, his voice different, somehow. He hadn’t answered sarcastically as Jesper would have guessed, nor had Kaz excused himself. It was new. 

 

Jesper crossed one leg over the other as he watched Kaz’s hands shuffle the cards in all sorts of different manners, always precise. It was a comfortable sort of silence, also new for Jesper. Half the time, he was the one talking to anyone who would listen. 

 

“You know, when I was a kid, my Da used to tell me I needed to figure out how to shuffle cards.” Jesper said mildly as Kaz’s gaze flicked up to him, a dark brow raised. 

 

“Why?” Kaz asked as he divided the cards between his now gloved hands. 

 

“Because he thought maybe having something to occupy my hands might allow me to sit still. You think I’m bad now? Oof. When I was a boy I could run three miles and still have enough energy to help plow the field.” Jesper chuckled at the memory of his mother tickling him, calling him a rabbit. 

 

“My brother was like that, too. I always ended up following him around the farm, somehow. I had plenty of energy, don’t get me wrong, but I always loved to climb trees rather than run. Jordie liked to run through the Orchard beneath my tree.” Kaz mumbled, his eyes not looking up. 

 

“What type of farm was your family’s?” Jesper asked, leaving his tone casual. This was already more than he’d ever thought Kaz would say. 

 

Then again, today had been something else. It felt like a new page in a new book, clean and unfolded. The spine not yet broken, and with a million words yet to unravel, stories yet to be told. 

 

“Our main business was wheat. But, we had a huge orchard of apple trees, too. A vegetable garden. Animals for dairy and meat. Chickens for eggs.” Kaz responded after a long moment. Jesper turned the words around in his mind like examining a painting, trying to find the inspiration behind Kaz Brekker, from farm to Ketterdam. 

 

“We had animals, too. My Da used to make me see to the cows until I left for college.” 

 

“Mine made us muck the horse stables.” Kaz laughed, and Jesper found himself chuckling too. 

 

A long moment passed, the only sound was the waves against the Wraith, and the whoosh of air as Kaz bridged his deck of cards. 

 

Maybe it was the nudge of the True Sea gale on his cheeks, maybe it was Jesper’s heart, but he reached deep into his gut for an ounce of courage to ask Kaz what happened to him. The words didn’t get a chance to escape. 

 

“My Da died in a plowing accident, when I was nine. Jordie was thirteen.” Kaz said so softly that Jesper did a double take as he flicked his eyes up. Kaz’s hair had blown around in the wind, longer than he usually kept it. Jesper surmised it was probably due to Inej having been on land, and Kaz not bothering. A raven lock fell into Kaz’s forehead as he shuffled the cards once more. 

 

Jesper thought he looked like a farm boy, for a moment, he could see it. He felt a wave of sadness, for the boy Kaz must’ve been, even if Jesper had a hard time picturing a child Kaz Brekker. Jesper had only ever known a strong Kaz, even if he’d only been fifteen when Jesper had met him. 

 

Jesper remained quiet. He sensed the fear in Kaz’s words. Jesper knew Kaz’s name, and that he had a brother, but he didn’t know much else. He knew Kaz had grown up on a farm. That was it. 

 

He felt like he was crawling into the cow pasture, he needed to keep his head down or Kaz might spook. 

 

“My family owned that farm in Lij for about seven generations, if I’m remembering right. My Da’s side, at least. My mother died in childbirth, when I was born. Jordie was four years older than me, so he didn’t have her around for very long, either.” Kaz whispered, eyes only on his cards. Maybe it was what allowed these words to come out, Jesper thought. 

 

Maybe his Da had been right, the cards allowed Kaz to keep still, keep going. 

 

“It fucking sucks losing parents.” Jesper added on a whisper of a breath. He’d never been more grateful that his Da was still alive and well, due to visit Ketterdam in a month. Kaz didn’t get those visits, didn’t get an end to the missing.

 

Kaz looked up at Jesper then, his dark eyes simmered in the glowing lamp light, blades of amber in their reflection. He nodded once. An understanding, he realized. An acknowledgement of Jesper’s own loss. 

 

“When my Da died, there was no one else to take care of us. My grandparents had been gone since before Jordie or I had been born, and if my mother had any living relatives, Jordie and I didn’t know of them. Furthermore, no one came forward out of the woodwork. Jordie was the heir of our farm, and he was in charge, at thirteen.” Kaz took a deep breath as he eyed the face of one of his cards. Jesper recognized them, the deck Inej had commissioned Marya to create. Jesper had one of his own of the same deck. The Crow Club cards. Kaz was looking at the Queen of Hearts, Inej’s emblem inked into the card.

 

“Obviously, the two of us couldn’t run a farm or a business alone. We were already poor before our Da died, but I guess we never really knew it. We had a life that felt rich, as wishful as it sounds. Jordie sold the farm, and we had to leave everything. We had a small fortune, and by small, I mean incredibly so. Not enough money to even buy an apartment in the city.

 

“But Jordie told me he was going to become a Merchant in Ketterdam. He was going to make us enough money so that way I could go to school while he worked.” Kaz’s eyes lifted to the expanse of Sea over the rail behind Jesper. His eyes were different, Jesper thought. Cloudy. 

 

Jesper held his breath. Jordie had tried to take on Ketterdam with Kaz… at thirteen? Jesper had gotten lost in the underbelly and he’d been older. Jesper had been sixteen, at least. 

 

“We rented a room in the city. Jordie needed to look for work, and me? I was nine years old, and had nothing that could help. I missed our Da. I missed our dog. Our farm. But my brother… he was older. He seemed so old to me, so much bigger. He was my…” Kaz swallowed, Jesper saw his fingers tighten on the card in his hand. The leather creaked against his knuckles. “He was my best friend. I trusted him.” Kaz finished. 

 

Jordie Rietveld. What happened? Jesper’s breath barely released as he watched Kaz, his aranhi, struggle maybe more than he had when they’d been submerged by water and fire. 

 

“One day, a week or two after we’d arrived in Ketterdam, Jordie came back to our room, grumpy. I was annoyed too, I was a child who had been locked up in a room all day with only magic tricks to keep me company. I wanted to go outside, I wanted to go look at the boats or look at the shops. I begged Jordie to take me on a walk.” Kaz whispered. 

 

Jesper saw Kaz’s eyes flit once to the staircase. There was no one there, but Jesper knew where Kaz was looking toward. Inej’s Captain’s quarters. To his partner who wasn’t here. 

 

Kaz was still looking to Inej for some amount of courage. Jesper understood. More than once, Wylan had been his only tether to the world, when shame and royal flushes threatened to devour him whole. 

 

The moon peeked out from the clouds as Kaz ran a hand through his hair, his eyes looked out to the reflection on the Sea, his eyes widened slightly. Jesper thought he heard Kaz mutter something in suli, of all languages. Mera nadra. He’d heard Kaz call Inej that, before.

 

“Did you go out?” Jesper asked quietly as Kaz’s features seemed to harden against some unseen force. 

 

Tell me, aranhi. Let me be your brother today, the way you were for me. 

 

“Yes. We decided to walk down the Stave, look at the gondels floating by and the street peddlers. We shared a bag of almonds. Then, as we were walking back toward the boarding house, I saw a boy selling wind-up toy dogs. I made Jordie go look at them with me, because he told me I was too small to let go of his hand.” Kaz rasped, his voice so much softer than Jesper had ever heard. He sounded… younger. 

 

“Long story short, the boy selling the dogs told Jordie about a merchant looking for runners to help out with his business. Told Jordie they should go down together and see if there were any opportunities.” Kaz continued. “The next day, Jordie went and met with the merchant…” he trailed off. A muscle in Kaz’s jaw flexed. 

 

“The merchant was named Jakob Hertzoon.” Kaz rasped, his eyes looked up to Jesper.

 

Jesper thought his heart was beating too fast. That was the name that Pekka Rollins had used… when he’d posed as a helping hand to the Merchant Council, in capturing Inej, and holding her “trial”. That was how Kaz had known it was Pekka Rollins, the same false name. Jesper held Kaz’s stare, his own fists clenched as he crossed and uncrossed his arms. 

 

Kaz nodded. Confirming the dots Jesper had already connected. 

 

Jesper listened as Kaz continued on, his voice like steel, as if he was powering through a wall. He told Jesper how there had been a coffee shop, how his brother had bought him new boots. Bought himself books. 

 

They were normal, Jesper thought. Two kids, no different from himself over in Noyvi Zem. They were two orphans.  

 

Jesper wished his Da had taken him on a trip to Ketterdam when he was ten. Jesper would have brought Kaz and Jordie Rietveld home with him. He would have. His Da would have loved them. His Da was always welcoming, always a parent. Colm Fahey was meant to be a father the way Inej was meant to be faithful. 

 

“A week after Jordie had begun his work, we went to dinner at Mr. Hertzoon’s home on Zelverstraat, with his family. He had a daughter who was my age, and dogs. It was the best night I’d had since our Da died.” Kaz almost dropped the cards. Jesper didn’t say anything as Kaz took a deep breath. 

 

Jesper already knew it wasn’t true. Pekka had no daughter, only Alby. Jesper had seen the boy himself, the night they killed Pekka. It was a ruse. 

 

The house on Zelverstraat. The house…the house they’d killed Pekka in. Jesper had been in the rooms Kaz spoke of now. Had been in the same place that Jordie and Kaz Rietveld had been. His lungs felt too small, his shoulders too weak for this information. Kaz.

 

“Jordie had told Mr. Hertzoon how dedicated he was to becoming a merchant, to working hard. He talked Jakob into allowing him to invest the money from our farm into his stock portfolio. Jakob said he could double our money within six months.” Kaz ran a hand over his knee. Jesper didn’t suspect the cold was doing it any good. 

 

Jesper didn’t understand the feeling in his chest. It was anticipation, but the warped mirror of it. Twisted and blackened. Something awful was coming. Inej always said that fear had a voice. Jesper wondered if she was right. 

 

“After that night, Jordie had been elated. He’d told me we were saved, we were going to have an apartment within a month. He told me he was going to look into the schools for the next season for me. He told me I’d make friends. We’d have a kitchen stocked with pastries.” Kaz reached into his pocket for the deck box for his cards. Jesper saw him eye the box. Jesper saw initials carved into the box. A ‘K’ and an ‘R’. 

 

Rietveld. Kaz’s real name. 

 

“When Jordie went to report for his next shift, we found the coffee shop boarded up. Dark. Like the building had never housed a business at all. We were certain there had been a mistake, maybe a message for Jordie had been delivered to the wrong room. So, we went to Mr.Hertzoon’s home. The house was dark, too. No candles in the windows, no mail on the stoop. It looked vacant. But, we thought maybe the family had just gone out. So we waited, until Jordie suggested we talk to the neighbors.

 

“They told us that the house was a temporary residence, that the family had only stayed for a couple weeks and had moved out.” Kaz sighed as he shifted the cards into the box, angrily ran a hand over his hair for the hundredth time. 

 

Kaz. Jesper’s whole body felt sick, and it had nothing to do with the rock of waves beneath the ship. 

 

“We stayed on that street until it was dark. We stayed until there was no shadow of a doubt anymore. Our money, our money from the farm, and Jordie’s job, were gone. We had nothing except the little bit of kruge that Jordie had from his first payday.” Kaz’s eyes were glassy, but he refused to look up at Jesper. 

 

There was a tear on Kaz’s cheek, turned amber from the flicker of their lamp. The moon was clouded over once more. 

 

“Fuck.” Jesper shuddered, the word barely aloud. Kaz nodded, eyes downcast. He’d reached for his cane, cards back in his pocket. 

 

Kaz was gripping the Crow’s head like a lifeline; like he’d grabbed the rope in the water. 

 

“I couldn’t return my boots.” Kaz uttered as he wiped the tear away with the back of his leather clad hand. 

 

“It was Spring, storm weather. Just like now. We got kicked out of our room when we couldn’t pay, our few belongings tossed away because we couldn’t have them all on the streets. It was fucking cold, Jes.” 

 

Fuck. Kaz. He didn’t slow his words, Kaz powered on.

 

“Then, the Queen’s Lady Plague hit Ketterdam.” 

 

Jesper wished he could ask Nina to rise Pekka’s corpse for him to beat to hell. He’d put every bullet he owned into Pekka’s rotting skull, he’d make him unrecognizable to every person he’d ever fucking met. How dare he. How fucking dare he. Kaz was nine years old. Jordie had been thirteen. What the fuck. 

 

Kaz may be a barrel boss, may have done many things that Jesper had a hard time stomaching, but Kaz had never plucked children as pigeons. He’d never once let a Dregs member harm the kids on the street. Had never bought human beings, like the girls and boys who suffered the same fate Inej once endured. 

 

Of all the Barrel scum, Kaz Brekker was the most dangerous. Jesper was now also certain that he was the pearl amongst the coal. 

 

“Jordie got sick first. We had nowhere to go. You can imagine how willing anyone would have been to take in a couple of kids, one already sick. I know you weren’t in Ketterdam when it hit… but it’s bad. Jesper, the plague was too much for medics and healers to keep up. It’s more contagious than any other known sickness to this day.” Kaz tipped his chin up and Jesper recalled how Wylan had spoken of the plague, during one of their many nights together. 

 

Wylan had been in the same city as Kaz, but completely safe, in a mansion, quarantined and warm, with a medic on hand. His worst problem had been his father making him try to read books all day. Jesper was glad of it. He wished Kaz had met Wylan, back then. Wylan would have helped, somehow. Even if he’d only been eight, Wylan’s heart was still Wylan’s heart; generous, kind. 

 

“I got sick, too. I tried to keep Jordie warm against the bricks of an alleyway, where some heat from the sun might remain. I gave him my little jacket. It wasn’t enough, Jes. I couldn’t stay awake once the fever set in. My ribs cracked under the coughing. It was… it was worse than anything I’ve ever experienced. We didn’t have anywhere to even bathe, to try and get the fever under control. I finally fell asleep, fully.” Kaz whispered, there were tears streaking down his pale cheeks in full force now, but Kaz’s sorrow was silent. Silent and quite possibly the worst thing Jesper had ever seen. 

 

Kaz Brekker never cried. Kaz Brekker never broke. 

 

Kaz Brekker wasn’t who Jesper was speaking to, though. This was Kaz Rietveld.

 

“When I woke up, my brother was dead. I couldn’t wake him up. I couldn’t stay awake to mourn him. My fever was too high, my voice didn’t work anymore. There was no help to call, anyways. Everything was boarded up, the streets abandoned. I fell down beside him, certain that I was also going to wherever he’d gone.” Kaz’s whisper was a broken thing, raspy and small. 

 

Kaz’s voice. The rasp… his voice hadn’t always been that way. The plague. Fuck. Jesper’s eyes began to water. Jordie. Fuck.

 

“I regained consciousness when the body men threw me on a cart with Jordie.” 

 

Jesper felt bile in his throat. No. No. No. 

 

“I couldn’t tell them I was alive. I passed out and didn’t…I didn’t…” Kaz stumbled as his hands tightened over the head of his cane. Kaz’s eyes were on the lantern. Jesper could barely keep himself from reaching out to Kaz. He knew he couldn’t, now. Something told him that Kaz had to push through on his own. 

 

“I woke up on Reaper’s barge, Jes.” 

 

Alive. Kaz had been alive on Reaper’s barge. Kaz hadn’t meant it as a figure of speech when he’d screamed that part at Pekka. Jesper was going to be sick. Jesper was going to tear the world apart with bullets alone. Tears rolled down his own cheeks.

 

“There were so many bodies, so many bodies and no fresh air… it was… it was the worst thing in the world. I was scared. My family was dead, and my brother’s corpse was water bloated and floating in front of me, when I opened my eyes.

 

“I was so weak, but my fever had broken. I kept screaming, but I knew no one was coming back for me. They were going to burn the bodies. I had… I had to make it back to shore.”

 

Jesper’s breath hitched in his throat, and refused to be budged. Kaz.

 

“I couldn’t swim the Harbor, I was too weak. My legs too small. I needed to use something to hold my head above the water, or I’d die. Whether on the barge or before I even made it halfway across the Harbor. There were no planks, no boats. Only bodies. Bodies that were bloated and floating. My brother’s corpse.” 

 

“Kaz,” Jesper’s breath finally came in the form of his brother’s name. Kaz shook his head harshly, tears dripping to the hands braced on his cane. 

 

“I used Jordie’s corpse to… to swim fifth harbor. I wanted to live, Jes. I didn’t want to die. His skin peeled off under my hands, the sores still seeping. His eyes were like curdled milk, looking up at the sky. My brother was gone and I… I was too. I was breathing, but I was already something else when I crawled off the barge and held onto Jordie’s body as I kicked my legs. The water was freezing, but I refused to drown. I refused to let Jakob Hertzoon live if I couldn’t.” 

 

Kaz’s breathing was harsh and uneven, but still he spoke. Still he swam. 

 

“Ever since I crawled out of fifth harbor, ever since I watched Jordie’s body float away, I couldn’t touch another person. The skin… it… I feel like I’m drowning, every time I touch someone, Jesper. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, to learn how to… how to touch Inej, how to let her touch me. It’s taken all these years.” Kaz paused, his eyes glanced to Jesper, pleading for something Jesper didn’t understand how to give. 

 

“But I had to learn. I loved her so much, Jes. I wanted her more than anything in the world because she’s… she’s my raft. She’s my lighthouse and my sea. She’s the only person who knew what it was like to be untouchable, after the Menagerie.” Kaz’s voice shook with the force of a love Jesper had never really understood until this moment. He’d always known Kaz loved Inej, and she him. Now he understood it. He felt it. Wylan was his own anchor. 

 

“I’ve tried, to… to learn. I’m still trying. I… I can do it, sometimes. I got you out of the water.” Kaz said brokenly, as if it was the greatest thing he’d ever accomplished. 

 

Jesper thought it might be, and he was more proud of Kaz than he’d ever been of another person. 

 

“The gloves…” Jesper made the realization aloud. 

 

The gloves were never about Dirtyhands. The suits that covered every inch of Kaz save for his face, were never about the myth surrounding him. It was armor. It was protection against his singular weakness. 

 

“If I’m honest, I wish I was strong enough to never wear them again. I wish it, every single day. But, I can take them off with Inej, now. I can touch her. I’m still working on it…” Kaz’s eyes were wet as he looked up and Jesper mustered the strength to meet Kaz’s eyes. 

 

Jesper looked at this man, who had given him both cruelty and kindness, over and over again. As Jesper looked, he realized the truth. Kaz had maybe given him cruelty, but his kindness had always outweighed the bad, even if his sharp words had been tailored to conceal that fact. 

 

Kaz had gotten him off the street and into a gang that could help to shield him from the debtors, a way to make some money, a place to sleep with no rent payment. 

 

Kaz had gotten them out of the Ice Court and Auction era, richer than they’d ever been. He’d even made sure Matthias’ share went to Nina. 

 

He’d shielded Jesper’s Da with his own name, the only thing a seventeen year old criminal could offer.

 

Kaz had made sure Wylan was listed on Jan Van Eck’s will, made sure Wylan inherited everything that should have been his. Kaz had found Marya, and given Jesper a way to help Wylan when he needed it. 

 

Kaz had gotten the Ravkan refugees out of Ketterdam, even if he’d been reluctant, because Nina needed them out. Jesper remembered. He remembered seeing Kaz relent, only with his eyes. 

 

Kaz had given Inej her freedom, even if it was going to take her away from him forever. He’d loved her enough to let her go, with hardly a hope she’d come back. He’d brought her parents back to her. 

 

Kaz’s actions had never lied. Never. 

 

Jesper understood, then, with sudden clarity. Inej’s firework show in the harbor, the night they’d killed Pekka. It hadn’t been for Kaz, but rather, for Jordie. A funeral. Kaz had let them all attend his brother’s funeral, and they hadn’t even known it. Kaz had mourned for a decade, and they’d all witnessed Kaz Brekker breaking his cardinal rule: No funerals. 

 

The green and gold. Like fields of a wheat farm. 

 

“You jumped into the ocean filled with corpses, for me.” Jesper was staring, his eyes leaking. 

 

He hadn’t expected Kaz’s story to be a happy one, but Jesper had never known. Never realized quite how unbelievably cruel the world could be. He’d thought he’d known, after his mother had been taken from him. After Matthias. No. He suspected he’d never hear something more tragic, other than perhaps if Inej were to speak her own story in it’s entirety. 

 

“I know it’s not… It’s not an excuse, for who I have been. For what I have done. I only… I only wanted you to know why I… why I am the way I am. Why I couldn’t be your friend, Jesper. Why I pushed you away. It took until the Ice Court for me to want anything beyond Pekka’s death. I never saw my life beyond that, not because I didn’t wish to exist, but because my… my lenses were only colored red, as Inej might put it.” 

 

“You thought that telling me this… would make me, what? Reject you?” Jesper stuttered over the words.

 

“You and Inej are the only people in Ketterdam who know… my name. My story. Her parents also know, but that was an unexpected sharing. An accident. Sharya, she touched my skin. It didn’t go well. I guess all I mean is that I know my story excuses none of my crimes, in fact, it worsens them. I only chose to become what I am when I crawled out of the water. No one forced my life upon me.” Kaz whispered as he straightened his sleeve 

 

“Shut the fuck up, man. I understand. I am not rejecting you. If I was going to do that, don’t you think I would have, I don’t know, three years ago when I realized you were only into woman, singular, and that woman was Inej?” Jesper laughed, a croaky noise filled with tears. 

 

Kaz tilted his head in confusion. 

 

“Ghezen, you are dense. I liked you, Kaz. For like, a year. Inej and I bonded over it. Anika hated me for it.” Jesper admitted the truth without a second thought, it felt like talking about another life. Maybe it was, their younger years of impossible jobs.

 

He couldn’t imagine looking at Kaz that way now, they were brothers, through and through. Wylan was Jesper’s everything, future and past, now. 

 

“I didn’t know.” Kaz’s mouth lifted into a half smile and Jesper thought it was sunny day, due to the warmth in his chest from such a simple expression. 

 

“Thank you for telling me, for saving me, aranhi.” Jesper said quietly. He saw Kaz’s eyes brighten, no small feat for the blackness of his irises. He nodded, only once. It was understanding, deep and lasting. 

 

“I’ll tell them, eventually. It’s just…I’m working on it.” Kaz replied, he flexed his jaw. Jesper knew he meant Nina and Wylan. 

 

“I won’t say a word, unless it’s to Inej, just to tell her how much of a catch she must be to tempt you into giving a damn.” Jesper shed a lazy grin. 

 

“She is. She always has been. She’s also going to kill me if she wakes up and I’m not there. Partially due to her complaints about my health, secondly due to the fact that she’s probably going to whine that she was cold without my body heat.” Kaz smiled in return. Jesper chuckled, picturing a tiny Wraith, complaining. 

 

It felt… Jesper didn’t have words. They were still Jesper and Kaz. Still the Sharpshooter and Dirtyhands. Yet, it felt more real. It felt like the type of bond that would be etched into their veins, just like the Crow and Cup they both bore. 

 

It was family, forever. 

 

“I’m glad we didn’t die, Kaz. But if I had, I would have been honored to die beside you.” 

 

Kaz froze as he began to shift to stand, his eyes narrowed on Jesper. 

 

“We made it this time, aranhi.” Kaz replied as he stood, straightening his coat. 

 

Jesper smiled as he watched Kaz walk toward the stairs. Then, one thought occurred to him, from the recesses of his mind. 

 

“Kaz!” Jesper called just before the man disappeared down the steps. Kaz turned over his shoulder. 

 

“Those guys that jumped me, the night we met, did you hire them so you would have an in to save me and get me to join the Dregs?” Jesper asked. He’d wondered, since Inej brought it up so long ago. It felt like a night for honesty. 

 

Kaz grinned crookedly before answering. 

 

“No, my team was supposed to hit you the next night. That save was real, and a coincidence.” 

 

Of-fucking-course. Kaz fucking Brekker.

 

Jesper barked a laugh, causing his side to scream in fresh irritation. 

 

When Jesper looked up, Kaz was gone, as if he’d never been at the helm of the ship, telling Jesper his life story. Gone like a ghost. 

 

Jesper thought, then, that maybe he’d always known the ghost, but tonight, he’d met the man. 

 

Kaz. 

 

He didn’t care if he went by Rietveld or Brekker or Dirtyhands. 

 

“Honored to know you, Kaz.” Jesper whispered to himself as he looked up at the sky, just as the moon shined down, free of clouds. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

KAZ

 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.” Kaz whispered when Inej made a small noise of protest as the bed dipped beneath his weight. He was tired, now. His leg was angry again. 

 

“You were gone.” Inej frowned, though her eyes didn’t open, even as she moved into his uninjured side, her head finding his chest. He felt her arm drape over his middle, careful of his wound on his abdomen. He wrapped an arm around her, drew a lazy circle into her spine. 

 

“I know, but I’m back.” He whispered to the sleepy Wraith. 

 

“Stay this time or I’ll be cold and mad.” Inej mumbled, her words slurring as her breathing evened out once more. 

 

It was a sentence Kaz would never take for granted. He could keep his girl warm, now. Could be close enough to do so. He’d told Jesper. 

 

He was living.

 

He was… he was healing. 

Notes:

So, this one was hard for me. It's always been such an important thing for me to write grief properly, to show it realistically. One of the things I always bonded with Jesper and Kaz on, was that my parents passed when I was young. It's a difficult thing to talk about, but I truly only tell you all that in hopes you can see how important this one was to me. It felt like a moment that needed to be shared only between Jesper and Kaz, rather than all of them at once. I hope you understand, and feel the same. Anyways, I love you all.

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Chapter 113: Her Arrow Spins

Summary:

Due home.

Notes:

Chapter 113!! (PLEASE READ WARNING IN THESE NOTES)

Hi everyone! Sorry i'm a few hours late. I hope you love this one though! it's a tad bit of a filler, but the exposition was needed, and so were the moments that I desperately wanted to write. <3 I just hope you enjoy it, we have crazy things coming up. You'll see. <3 Also, please excuse any errors. I had less time to edit tonight so it's a little rough, please forgive me. <3

WARNING: This chapter contains graphic depictions of a body and violence. It may be triggering to some readers and I wanted to place a warning here. It felt... different than normal violence. So I just wanted to cover my bases. It's not entirely explicit, but it is gross.

Thank you forever and ever. We hit 250k hits on this story. I cannot believe it, nor can I say thank you enough. My mind literally short circuits when I think of that number, and I just... you are all incredible. You all mean more to me than words, my own equivalent of waffles. You mean more to me than literature, dear reader. I'm forever in your debt, if only for the happiness you've all brought me. I'll stop sapping so that you can read, but I love you. I'm rooting for each and every one of you.

I can't wait to hear what you think of this one, seriously. Like... please leave this author a comment to feed her little soul that craves feedback of any kind. It seriously helps me write so much, knowing what you guys are excited for, or hoping for, or guessing. I think it helps all writers to be motivated. <3

"Hold Me While You Wait" by Lewis Capaldi (The end. The vibes mostly.)

KAZ

 

It had been almost a full day since they’d dropped the anchor, but this morning, the sky was finally clear. The night prior, the storm had rekindled with a vengeance, turning the water reckless and biting, the wind blasted rain against the Wraith with a fury. Thankfully, the ship had rocked steady against the assault, if not a little creaky. 

 

Inej had left the cabin before he’d even woken, his leg was still an angry mess of bruises, but his side was healing nicely. He’d not even left this cabin since he’d seen Jesper, save to walk the length of the deck once, with Specht. Specht had not confirmed his suspicions that Inej had wanted someone near by while the ship rocked violently, but Kaz had seen right through the burly man’s denial. Inej had wanted him to stay inside, but his mind was addled with the need to do something. Jesper had been sequestered, too. Kaz knew from Mira’s reports that he’d begun to feel light headed last night, a sign that there could still be internal bleeding. The healer was nervous, and so was Wylan. Mira had put Jesper under with another sleeping draft, claiming he should not be tempted into exerting himself. Kaz agreed, he probably should have told Mira about how Jesper had walked on the deck the night prior, sat with him. Kaz hadn’t, since Jesper hadn’t ripped his stitching. Kaz thought perhaps that time was only for him and Jesper, not to be shared with others. 

 

It was important, to both of them. Kaz could admit that much to himself. 

 

Now, Kaz was pulling on his suit blazer, intent on finding the Captain of this vessel. Inej had been scarce, the past day. Kaz knew she’d been up at the helm, talking plans and course with Quin and Specht. Last she’d told him, Inej was leaning toward sailing back to Ketterdam, where Arman was. Arman could heal Jesper, where Mira could only tend with science. 

 

He knew Inej was worrying. He knew she was trying to shield her crew, her friends, him. He was not having any of it. 

 

Kaz grimaced at the stubble on his cheeks, but opted to let it go. He wanted to go and find out when they were pulling the anchor, find her. As Kaz stepped out into the light of day, leaning on his cane, he actually relished in the sun on his skin. It was a welcome reprieve after the storm that had lasted two full days. The slight waves also felt like solid ground in comparison to the wrecking drifts of the night prior. 

 

“Hey.” Nina stepped from the door leading below decks, her eyes squinting in the sun. 

 

“How is he?” Kaz asked, knowing Nina would understand. 

 

“Mira is with him and Wylan now, she’s keeping him under. Claims he did too much in the hours after you… after you both came back. His side is bruising heavily, and I’m not going to lie, Kaz. I think he needs a healer.” Nina rung her hands in front of herself, her loose fitting shirt and breeches spoke of the better weather. The day was only mildly chilly, nothing like the freeze to be expected of a mid-February day in Ketterdam. Kaz relished in that, too. 

 

“Have you seen her?” Kaz asked of Inej. Nina shook her head, told him she’d been with Wylan since last night. Kaz had wanted to go belowdecks, too, but something had held him in inej’s cabin as he studied the blueprints for Kane’s ships, that Wylan and Jesper had stolen for Inej before leaving Ketterdam. 

 

Something cowardly had kept him from looking on Jesper. Jesper simply could not leave…die, after Kaz had finally mustered the courage to tell him the truth. It wouldn’t be fucking fair. 

 

“Not since she stopped in this morning, she was up at four bells and knocked on my door. I almost locked her in the storage closet so she’d be forced to sleep. I’m guessing you weren’t awake or maybe she would have listened to you.” Nina sighed as she walked toward Lain on the other end of the deck.

 

It wasn’t lost on Kaz the way Nina straightened her hair before approaching the Shu girl. Lain smiled brightly when Nina began trying to help the crew member untie knots to rig the sails. He wondered if Nina had begun speaking to the girl in the aftermath of his and Jesper’s near death. He found his own lips quirking up.  

 

Helvar, she’s smiling. 

 

It was slow going, but Kaz finally found Inej leaning against the rail of the ship near the helm, looking out to the sea with a spyglass between her fingers. Her hair was tied loosely at the base of her neck, but not braided. The inky tresses were lifted in the wind as she scanned the horizon. 

 

She looked beautiful. She always did. Kaz hadn’t seen her in this particular ensemble, though. Not before now. She wore dark leggings as she always had, black boots up to her knees. Her tunic was a loose white linen, but she’d worn a crimson bodice over the shirt, laced in the back. She looked like a Saints-damned pirate queen, and that bodice only seemed to accentuate the curves he was so infatuated with. He knew that it was likely boned, harder for a knife to pierce. The garment had purpose, but it was hard to remember that that purpose was not to endear her features to him. He liked the color red on Inej. It drove him mad to see it so unexpectedly, today. 

 

He’d like to undo those laces. 

 

“Captain.” Kaz rasped as he came to stand beside her. A gull flew above them, calling out across the sky. Out of the corner of his eye, Kaz caught the quirk of Inej’s lips at his greeting. 

 

“You shouldn’t be up and walking.” She replied, but Kaz heard a smile in her voice as she turned to look at him. The bodice from the front only amplified what Kaz expected. Her cleavage was showing, and he suddenly wished to sweep her back to her quarters and lock the door. It only made it worse that her engagement ring was untucked, the chain doubled around her neck to have her ring grazing her collarbone. She’d shown it intentionally, today. Perhaps to her crew, for the first time. 

 

If Kane De Vries would simply sink to the bottom of the Sea so Kaz could take his girl back to the apartment at the High-Wire without distraction, he may just become religious. 

 

He averted his gaze from her neckline, she’d noticed his traitorous eyes based on the smirk she now wore.

 

“Nonsense, everything works just fine.” Kaz mumbled even as his leg throbbed. He adjusted his cane against the rail so he could divide some of his weight to the ship. 

 

“Is that an innuendo, Kaz Brekker?” She laughed, the sound a caress of warmth, just like the sun, after the storm.

 

“Not intended, but what you refer to works too.” He replied confidently as he let his eyes sweep over her, from head to booted toe. His words fed the flush now trailing down her neck. 

 

“How are you feeling? I know I left the room early.” Inej tried for serious but he saw her adjust her shirt. It only made his very human reactions rear their heads. 

 

“Fine, leg is getting better. Have we chosen a course?” Kaz focused on the white capped waves in the distance. 

 

He’d come up here to inquire after her, not the other way around. He supposed he was less monster than man, when all came to pass. 

 

“We’re going to sail for Ketterdam as soon as the sails have been repaired and rigged, the rain and wind did a number, but thankfully no structural damage. Specht and I spent the morning assessing. They made me stop working, since I’ve been out here sewing and tying since the sun rose.” Inej sighed with a frown, her hands tightened on the railing before loosening. 

 

Inej was thinking of the stolen people, Kaz knew. Kane could already have made the small ports, if his fleet had out sailed the storm they’d been caught in. They’d had a head start. The small ports on the other side of the country, with thirty innocent people destined for enslavement or worse. If there were such a numbing cream for the soul, like the one for physical ailment, Kaz would smother Inej’s heart in it, now. 

 

Kaz knew she understood she’d never save every soul, but he also knew her well enough to know when her blinders had gone up. He also knew what it looked like when the world tore her defenses down. Like it was, now. 

 

“There’s a chance this was all a ruse and he took those people to Ketterdam since he knew you’d follow after his supposed fleet sailing for the ports and Belendt.” Kaz mused quietly, thinking over everything he’d learned from the documents Wylan and Jesper had stolen from the Harbor Master. None of it was useful unless they found the fucking ships. 

 

That was when he remembered. 

 

“Perhaps,” Inej was nodding, her eyes far away. 

 

“Inej, my jacket, the one I wore before I went to rescue Jesper. Where is it? That blazer specifically? I left it on the ship with my cane when I jumped.” Kaz said hastily, realizing his error. He was already tapping the pockets of this jacket, even though he knew it was not the one he’d worn. 

 

Damn him. Damn him to hell. He’d been in shock, he’d forgotten. 

 

“I took it to hang in front of the stove, but we only had so much fresh water on hand, I couldn’t wash it once it was dry. It smelled like sea water and the rain and smoke, I figured you wouldn’t want to wear again until it was clean and pressed, the wrinkled mess it was. I folded it in my trunk, hoping it would remind me to wash it once we boiled more water or got back to Ketterdam so you could send it to the launders…” Inej responded, eyebrows raised. Kaz was already limping for the stairs, rushing as best he could. 

 

He might be able to help. Maybe. He had no idea. 

 

“Kaz!” He heard Inej call after him, but he was already fumbling with his key and unlocking Inej’s quarters. He crossed the room in a flurry, and dropped to his knees. His leg screamed, and he ignored his abhorrent limb. His mind had focused into another place, normally reserved for the Barrel and bank vaults and art museums. 

 

He ripped the lid up on Inej’s trunk, ignoring what he saw first, Inej’s private garments. His jacket was next to her clothes, folded neatly on top of a towel. He shook it out, already feeling the hidden pocket. 

 

There. The weight. Inej wouldn’t have noticed when she had held the jacket wet, but the jacket weighed more than it should have. She’d probably not even noticed when she’d folded the fabric, seeing as he and Jesper had been fighting for their lives. Jesper still was.

 

Inside the hidden pocket of Kaz’s jacket, was a thin ledger, leather bound. Kaz could only pray to Inej’s Saints that all hadn’t been lost in the rain water, that the book wasn’t completely ruined. If the ink had all bled, it was useless. It may be useless either way. 

 

He felt a shiver run down his spine, alerting him that Inej had entered the cabin. He heard her shut the door. 

 

“What was that about? I know you love your jackets Kaz but, I say this in all seriousness, if you leave me for a garment mid-conversation again, I’m going to kill you.” Inej said with a disbelieving laugh behind him. Kaz barely heard her as he began to flip through the book, his eyes greedy. Some of the first pages were a mess of puddled paragraphs, the writing lost to the wet. The rest of the pages, seemed to have only gotten damp. Some were dried together, but he had something. Something. His mind needed to make sense of it, first. 

 

“Ssh.” Kaz held up a hand as Inej began to speak again. He tried to will himself to regret it when he felt the tip of a blade at his throat, held from behind. 

 

“Don’t do that again. I speak when I like.” Inej whispered sternly, though he heard a quiet chuckle, he lost his concentration. Inej had never held one of her knives to his throat outside of when they’d trained together, and especially not on her ship. 

 

“Am I a hostage? My fiancé will come for blood, fair warning.” He smiled as he dropped the book on top of the open trunk. She leaned down into his ear from behind him. 

 

“She sounds delightful.” Inej whispered against his skin. He shivered. Her knife was loose against his throat, he wished he could look down and find out which Saint she’d given the honor. 

 

“Truly, she is. A tad impulsive, but I find I quite like that in a woman.” Kaz grinned when he heard her soft laugh. 

 

“I think if she were here, she’d be quite annoyed that you’re allowing another to hold your life in her hands.” 

 

“Allow? Darling, no. I allow nothing, I’m simply a man on his knees, held at knife point.” Kaz replied, even as his hands moved slightly. 

 

“I do love the look of you down there.” Inej mumbled, her lips skimmed his ear. He almost lost concentration. 

 

“Too bad.” Kaz had already gotten hold of her wrist, he kicked out with his good leg behind him. He’d managed to make her jump, loosening her knife further. Next thing she knew, he’d spun out from her hold and turned around, Sankta Alina in his own hand, and held to her leg between her knee and calf, where if he actually sliced, she’d bleed out nearly as fast as if he cut her throat. 

 

“You bested me.” Inej frowned as he smiled up at her. 

 

“I taught you this move, Inej. You’ve forgotten your teachings. Don’t get distracted.” Kaz kissed her knee, just above her boot. He felt her shiver as he trailed his free hand up her other leg in a smoothing motion. 

 

“I did not forget.” Inej whispered as he kissed her leg again, higher up on her thigh. 

 

“Prove it next time, mera nadra.” He mumbled against her before he made himself stop. He pulled away and felt her sadness rather than saw it as he held her blade up to her, hilt out. 

 

“What’s that book?” Inej asked as she tucked Sankta Alina back into her sheath. 

 

Kaz smirked as he reached for his cane and stood, the ledger in hand. 

 

“That, my darling, is the Captain’s ledger from the ship we sank. The one Wylan and I rigged with bombs.” 

 

Inej’s mouth dropped open.

 

Surprising Inej twice in five minutes felt like getting drunk. Warm and dizzying, and all at once thrilling. 

 

 

INEJ

 

“The Captain’s ledger? Kaz…” Inej trailed off as he began to pace, flipping through the leather bound book in his hands. Inej could tell the water damage was great, but not entirely detrimental. 

 

There were goosebumps on her arms, and her stomach felt like she’d jumped from one rooftop to the next, flying for a brief moment. 

 

“Wylan and I actually boarded that ship with two purposes, Inej. Three, if you count killing as many slavers as possible before they could climb aboard the Wraith. While Wylan was setting up his blasts, I was picking the lock on the Captain’s quarters. He was inside, of course. Not out there fighting. Went down with a bullet to the head before he could even call for his guards that had already abandoned their post. He didn’t have much there, and I only had a few minutes. His desk drawers were all locked, but I found this in the hidden compartment. I figured this had to be important. Not only that, but it has this,” Kaz paused to show her the front page of the book, where she spied a wax seal. Kane’s seal. The serpent circle, in silver wax. It was a perfect impression. 

 

“It’s in Kerch, a couple passages are Ravkan, though. Several different handwritings. I’m guessing Kane moves around his Captains through his fleet, no one set Captain per ship, but perhaps one ledger assigned for recording vital information to one another and to Kane in situation of untimely death.” Kaz continued. 

 

Inej was staring at him. His jaw had a shadow of stubble now, his hair falling into his eyes. His dark eyes were skimming pages faster than she knew a person could read, but Kaz had always been a quick study. Far quicker than she. 

 

Every day he surprised her, somehow. Every single one. She didn’t know how this man kept doing it. Kept singing her spirit into tranquility with schemes and harsh blows. 

“I love you.” Inej whispered as he read aloud to her, telling her of a change in Captain only a month prior to today. She was aware she was standing and staring. Aware she’d hardly heard a word of what could very well be life changing information. 

 

Kaz paused mid-stride to look at her. He said nothing but his eyes grazed over her as he turned and walked to the door. He locked it before he strode to the bed, his limp prominent. He sat down and brought his legs up as he leaned against the headboard. Inej kept watching him, her eyes tethered to his hands, his face, to all of Kaz. 

 

“Your crew demanded you take a break, I know well enough you will do no such thing, but you can rest and work. Come here.” Kaz rasped, his tone somehow still gentle. 

 

Inej quirked her head in confusion, but Kaz’s eyes were already scanning a page in front of him. She stood there, but he did not look up to continue. Instead, he began reading the passages aloud. 

 

She kicked off her boots, and laid down her knives on the desk before she crawled up to sit beside him on the bed, nestling her head on his shoulder. His words paused for only a second, he pressed a kiss to hair before he continued reading as she listened, searching every sentence for any hint as to Kane’s next planned movement. A date of auction, contacts in Ketterdam, anything. 

 

Inej did not know how many pages they turned as Kaz read and she listened, the only pause being when Kaz reached to sip a glass of water from the small table beside the bed. Her hand was toying with a button on his blazer when she heard it, a bell ringing in her mind. 

 

“That name, Irena. Irena.” Inej mumbled to herself as Kaz paused, his thumb marking the paragraph. She felt his chin dip, trying to look at her. She sat up, pulling her legs under herself to sit criss cross beside him. Her hand still fidgeted with the button on his abdomen. 

 

“Repeat the sentence.” Inej requested. 

 

“Irena sent word to Os Kervo by way of Milan Arkten, she ensures there is room for more product within M.K.” Kaz repeated the sentence. “M.K. I don’t know the abbreviation. Could be a shorthand for a ship, more room for people on board?” Kaz pondered as Inej racked her brain. 

 

It was old, a memory of the name Irena. She hadn’t heard it in a long time, but where had she heard it? It was not a truly uncommon name in Kerch or Ravka, perhaps it meant nothing. 

 

“Continue.” Inej waved it off, but she did not settle back down. She felt Kaz’s free hand land on her leg, swirling mindless circles. He cleared his throat as she dropped her own hand to lace their fingers together. She traced over the scar on his knuckle, more familiar to her than some of her own skin, at this point. She had no idea when he’d removed his gloves, but then she realized, he’d not worn them when he’d found her on the deck of the ship. He’d gone out of this room without them, willingly. 

 

“M.K. may be the next bet for the Spring raids, a high price to be fetched assuming the condition of the goods. Making note for report to the Boss.” Kaz read the next line and the next, all referring to M.K. and ensuring the notation to be relayed to “The Boss” of which Inej could only assume was Kane. 

 

“M.K. ensures that the previous payments are ready to be paid, and the newest product will be acquired with full payment up front. Charles Hester had vetted this contact.” Kaz paused, they both knew that name. Inej shivered, the scant scent of vanilla swiping against her nostrils. She felt Kaz’s hand leave hers, only to brush her hair behind her ear. Inej looked up to find him watching her. His eyes asked after her wellbeing and she nodded, glad for the ease of communication between them. She never wanted to speak of Charles Hester again.

 

He was supposed to stay dead, stay a rotting corpse at the bottom of a Ketterdam canal. 

 

Then, it dawned on Inej. She felt her stomach drop from a cliff, her body not far behind. She screamed in her mind, but her words left in a whisper. 

 

“M.K. It’s not a single name of ship or location, it’s an abbreviation for two names.  The Menagerie, Ketterdam. Irena is one of her assistants, one of Heleen’s assistant. Some of those people are destined for the Menagerie, in Ketterdam. Heleen wouldn’t have gone to Belendt, in fact, she’s the only one that would refuse to make that trek, even for girls. She’s too proud, like a fucking peacock.” Inej stood from the bed, already pacing. Her hair fell out of it’s tie and she was running her hands through it roughly. She felt Kaz’s eyes on her, already piecing things together. 

 

A knock on the door stopped whatever had been about to leave Kaz’s mouth. Inej rolled her shoulders back as she padded to the door and slammed the lock open before yanking on the door. 

 

“Captain, we need you. There’s been…there’s something you need to see.” Cal was standing in front of her, his eyes unfocused. He looked sea sick, something Inej knew the Shu man was not. Inej forgot the revelation she and Kaz had just been in the middle of, already dashing to retrieve her boots. Kaz was up behind her, straightening his jacket. Cal had already walked away, before Inej had even gotten a chance to press him. 

 

Were they spotted? Was Kane’s fleet on the horizon? Was Jesper okay?

 

Inej walked out of the cabin with Kaz by her side, in the middle of the deck, her crew was clustered around something. Only Jesper and Wylan were missing. Nina looked over her shoulder when she heard the click of Kaz’s cane. Nina’s eyes were glassy. Inej felt her breath hitch as Specht looked at her and gestured for the crew to make a path. Inej glanced at Kaz once, his eyes were already peeled on the sea over the heads of the crew, looking for sails he wouldn’t be able to spy without a long glass. 

 

A fleet of enemy ships would have been better than what Inej found when her crew parted their circle, giving Inej a view of what was laying on the deck of the ship. 

 

On a wooden barrel, was a woman. A suli woman, no, girl. There were whip marks in her flesh, and pecking marks from scavenging birds. Her muscles were exposed, so much of her skin had been torn or removed. The smell was horrendous. Her shirt had been ripped open, but she was strapped face down on the barrel. Her bare breasts had been pressed against rotten wood and splinters. She couldn’t have been older than seventeen, was probably closer to fifteen. She’d clearly been dead for at least a day if not more. Her eyes were shut, a small mercy. Inej knelt to look at her face. She wished she hadn’t. The girl had been beaten to all hell, her features warped and bruised. There was still blood spatter at the girl’s hairline, a mass of dark waves knotted from froth in the sea. She had been beautiful, Inej was certain of it. 

 

Inej was crying, her tears fell silently as she mouthed prayers. This woman had been killed, and Inej had meant to save her. The message was clear. This woman’s life meant so little to Kane De Vries that he or his men had murdered her, seeing the message as more valuable than her years yet to live. Than even the money they’d have made from her being sold. Even as a slave, she’d have been alive. Maybe Inej could have rescued her. Now, prayers were all Inej could offer. All she could do. 

 

Inej had never felt her heart shatter so swiftly. 

 

“Captain,” Specht spoke, his voice as soft as it was deep. “She… the barrel floated from the South. From the direction of…”

 

“Ketterdam.” Inej finished, though her voice cracked. She felt too many eyes on her. 

 

One more breath, Captain Ghafa. 

 

One more tear. 

 

One more moment. 

 

One more prayer. 

 

“Take her into the light, let her spirit bask in warmth. Let her find her loved ones.” Inej murmured to the dead girl, to the Saints. “I wish I’d known you.” Inej whispered as she stood and rolled her shoulders back. 

 

“Her mouth…” Greer swallowed as Inej looked up. It looked like she was holding back from retching. 

 

Inej turned around to face the body. Inej understood, then. At the corner of the girl’s mouth, there was a sliver of parchment sticking out. A corner. Inej had missed it when she’d knelt. Specht moved forward but Inej would do this herself. She had to. 

 

The girl’s jaw had been locked shut, the stiffness of death had kept the parchment in her mouth. Inej had to pry open her jaw through a haze. Inej did not allow her tears to escape again. She had to be a Captain, now. Inej thought she heard Mira yelp when the mouth finally split open, the sound jarring in it’s unique wrongness. 

 

Inej pulled out a small square of parchment, folded over on itself. She nearly puked as she smoothed it out. 

 

A single paragraph of script was before her, the letters sloping and indicative of grace:

 

Captain Ghafa, I think it is about time we meet, you and I. I’ve grown tired of our dance, just let me have you, won't you? I do hate playing fox and pheasant. If you’re reading this, I’m only more interested. One ship against two is no small feat, though I do mourn the financial loss of two fine vessels. Take this as a gift, I let you have one free body. I might have left you another, if you behave. I always like to give a woman a path to my heart. Come home to Ketterdam.

 

-Kane

 

Inej stood and folded the note into her pocket, ignoring every eye on her. Even Kaz’s. She knew he was watching her every breath, assessing. 

 

“We sail for Ketterdam. Anchor up.” 

 

A chorus of “Yes, Captain” surrounded her as she climbed the stairs to the wheel, turning her back to everyone as a dismissal. Her vision had focused only on what was in front of her, the next step, the next turn. 

 

Inej had felt anger, despair. She’d never felt this. This feeling had fangs and lashing claws. 

 

This feeling was a Lynx. 

 

 

 

 

Hours later, after six bells of hard sailing, Specht had forced the wheel from her grip. He’d insisted on her taking an hour break, to eat, to sleep, to do something for herself. She’d promised to be back at the wheel on the hour at the dot. She’d checked on Jesper, his breathing deep and even as Wylan sat beside him, asleep in his chair. Neither of them had known she’d been there. 

 

Then, she’d entered her empty cabin, she knew Kaz had been continuing to read through the stolen ledger on the deck where he could see her, and her him. She had avoided looking at him all afternoon. She was both glad and saddened that he’d not followed her.

 

Now, Inej was falling to her knees in private behind a closed door, no longer a Captain, simply a faithful woman. Her tears were free and bursting, her chest cracking. It was a violent assault of hurt, of rage and pain. She didn’t know how her ribs were not broken. She held her hand to her mouth, muffling the screams from her soul and lungs. It was agony to breathe.

 

Then, she felt arms wrapping around her, right there on the ground. Arms holding her together as she screamed into his blazer.  

 

Home had looked like many things to Inej, and now, he looked like shelter. 

Notes:

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Chapter 114: Cerulean Seas

Summary:

A private moment.

Notes:

Chapter 114!!!

Hi everyone!! I hope you all love this one, it's a slower pace, a chapter only for our favorites. I wanted to write it because, honestly, it felt like Inej specifically would need these moments. I actually really love this one, and I hope you do, too. <33

Thank you so so much for being here. I say it with every chapter, and every time, I mean it even more. You all make my day, every day. Here, on tumblr, on tiktok. I love you guys. Thanks for sheltering me from storms in the real world with your patience and kindness. I know i'm slow to get back, but I read and cherish every notification I get from you guys. Seriously. I just wanted to reiterate that because it means so much to me. <3

Please drop a comment with any thoughts or feelings or whatever!! I love hearing from you all and your comments literally fuel my writing. I cannot wait for what is coming up, things are about to get crazy. Seriously. Oof.

"Heal" by Tom Odell (it's about the healing. About the fact that our favorites are here. About the metaphor of the ocean and the sail. And in this essay I will---)

KAZ

Three bells. Three bells separated the Wraith from Ketterdam. 

 

Kaz had no idea what they were walking into. No idea if it was safe for Wylan and Jesper to return home to the Van Eck mansion. No idea if Kane had targeted the Dregs. The only safety Kaz knew of was that the Dregs had moved to the High-Wire, and it was not widely known through out the barrel as of yet. Rotty and the new recruits still occupied the Slat, and perhaps, if Kane was out for Kaz’s blood as well as Inej’s, he’d have already slaughtered them. Kaz knew Rotty was smart, full of brawn, too. Anika was leading the gang as a whole, and Pim and Arman were with her. Dirix, even Cody and James. Some of the older Dregs. Anika might have already moved the entirety of the Dregs under one roof, the new recruits could use the suites above the restaurant as they were not yet occupied. 

 

Anika was capable. She’d proven that to Kaz, time and time again. If she wished for it, she could lead the Dregs. Kaz had no doubt. It was her inherent desire not to, though, that made her his best lieutenant. She would not try and pull a coup on him.

 

There was a nudging thought in the back of Kaz’s brain, an itch he couldn’t scratch. Kaz didn’t think Kane had gone to Ketterdam, despite his message. If there was one thing that Kaz Brekker knew how to do, it was scheme. It was putting himself in other’s shoes and imagining a plan backwards, as if he’d made it himself. Kane De Vries’ shoes were one pair that Kaz had never wanted to wear, but yet he’d begun to slip into them as he stood at the rail of the ship with Specht commanding the wheel. Inej had not woken, when Kaz had slipped once again from her cabin. 

 

Kaz hated what he’d seen today. Hated the despair that Inej had carefully boxed away, even from him, once she’d stopped crying. She’d allowed herself half a bell to feel it, and then she’d wiped her own tears away and shuttered her eyes. Kaz had seen her do it before, but he’d always felt she left her defenses open a crack for him to slip through, and yet today, he’d found her armor iron tight. 

 

A lock he couldn’t pick. A lock he wouldn’t pick. Inej deserved her privacy, even if a part of him winced when he realized she would not allow herself to lean on him. 

 

He knew why. He knew why Inej rallied herself. He was doing the same, in his own way. Yet, it was opposite than it usually was. He’d left his own arms open to her, but she’d shied away once she stood from the ground. She’d gone back to steering the ship until only a bell ago, when Specht had once again been the one to convince her to sleep until they arrived in Ketterdam, claiming she may need her strength. Kaz agreed, but Inej had not listened to him. It had taken Specht’s timber and aura of a sailor to tame Inej’s tides into a reluctant agreement. 

 

Kaz had followed her into the cabin once more, and yet he’d felt her beg for space. He would always respect her need, especially when he’d seen her cringe when he’d laid his hand on her shoulder. He hadn’t touched her since, and while her eyes had tried to hide her distress, she’d not been quick enough. He’d seen her wince away from his touch. He’d not seen it happen in quite awhile. He’d quickly tucked his hands into the pockets of his coat, and sat at her desk instead. Once her breathing had evened out in slumber, he’d begun to flip through the stolen Captain’s ledger again. There was nothing more to read, and yet Kaz’s eyes had scanned the pages greedily, scoping for any drop of information the bled ink could offer in tribute to his cause. 

 

He’d gone to check on Jesper and fill Wylan in on what had happened, but Nina had beaten him to it. Wylan had looked ill and tired, Kaz understood. Jesper had woken up once, in terrible pain, according to his partner. Mira had promptly dosed Jes again, claiming sleep was kinder. Kaz agreed. Jesper needed a healer, or at the very least, a proper hospital. 

 

Three bells, he told himself as he ran a hand over the side of his head. 

 

Kaz felt the brine of the sea air in his pores as his eyes tugged over the horizon, his glance bouncing with the waves. Specht’s pipe sent splatters of smoke into the air from behind him, his only companions in scheming. He knew Nina was below him on the main deck, offering her hands to over worked sailors, delivering cups of boiled water now chilled to quench parched throats. Inej would be proud, if she was out here to see it. 

 

“I think we have the same thoughts, boss.” Specht’s baritone broke Kaz’s thoughts as he turned to look at Inej’s first-mate. Specht’s neck was heavily tattooed over the line of his shirt, swirls of ink depicting tales of a sailor. Kaz thought some of the ink might have been a tentacle, perhaps leading to a larger piece on the man’s body. Kaz arched a brow in wait. 

 

“I don’t think this bastard’s in Ketterdam. I think he told us where he was going to begin with, thinking that his ships would sink us. Then, as a precaution, he sent one more ship to Ketterdam to leave the trail of bodies. Bread crumbs to lure us away. He knew someone would’ve been injured in that fight, even if we made it out. A hospital for an already small crew is a mighty luxury and temptation.” Specht turned the wheel slightly, The Wraith groaned as she complied to his steady order. 

 

Kaz was surprised. Specht and him had shared the same thought. 

 

“The best lies always have the most truth.” Kaz nodded in agreement as he watched the wind bloat the dark sails above them. The sun was sinking, soon, they’d sail blanketed by moonlight. The Wraith’s best cover, with her black sails and dark wood. 

 

“I still think Cap made the right call, Jesper don’t look right. We also lost a lot of our supplies to repairs, if we hit another storm moving toward the small ports, we could be stranded, truly. A rip in the sails might be fixable, but multiple tears? Aye, not so good.” Specht puffed on his pipe again, his large hands tightening on the wheel against a rough wave. 

 

“I know.” Kaz mumbled as he cast his eyes to the horizon once more. Specht dipped his chin as he too looked forward to the sky and sea.

 

Kaz knew what Specht had intended with out saying the actual words. It was the same spindle of messy thoughts weaving around Kaz’s skull, spun by treacherous spiders of violent anticipation. 

 

Inej had lost crew before. Inej had lost innocents on her watch, before. Never as many as thirty. Never before had she had failure so blatantly hung in front of her face, begging her to lose her faith. Kaz knew what Inej had not yet come to terms with. There was a chance, a large one, growing by the second, that they would not rescue the rest of the people Kane had stolen. That the girl on the barrel was the only one Kane would grant death rather than slavery. Both were grim options, and both were seen as failure in Inej’s eyes. 

 

Kaz found himself wishing for a shield to wield in front of her, something to stop the pain if he and Specht were right. If Kane’s fleet had already reached the small ports, those people may already be being brought inland to Belendt, bound for indenturement. The only scrap of hope that Kaz held, that might indicate they were wrong- was that according to the stolen ledger, some of those stolen people were to be bought by Tante Heleen. Heleen, who would never make the trek to Belendt. Her pride was her fucking “house of exotics”. Kaz wished the council had kept her boarded up after the false plague two years ago, but then again, Kaz thought, Heleen would have bought a new pleasure house. It could have been something even worse. 

 

Kaz offered Specht a nod before he took to the stairs and headed for Inej’s quarters. 

 

When he opened the door, he found Inej on the bed, her knees bent up to her chest as she stared at the dwindling embers in the stove. She startled when the door creaked, something he’d never accomplished. He’d snuck up on Inej. 

 

Not good. Not good. Warning bells ricocheted in his chest, thrashing against his instinct to step toward her. 

 

Inej looked at him once before her gaze drifted back to the dwindling flames. She was still wearing the clothes she’d been in before, hadn’t bothered to change while she rested. Her hair was free of it’s tie, cascading over her shoulders in ink splashes against her white shirt. Her arms were wrapped around her legs as she rested her chin on top of her kneecaps. Only her feet were bare, she’d at least stripped off her boots earlier. 

 

“Specht says around three bells until Ketterdam if the winds hold.” Kaz rasped in way of greeting as he locked the door. He walked forward as he slipped off his coat, then his blazer. He dropped both on her desk chair as he looked out the small window. The sky was painted in hues of gold, deep slashes of burnt orange haloing far off piles of violet clouds. Even he could appreciate sunsets on the True Sea.

 

“I know.” Inej whispered from behind him, her tone exasperated and harsh. He almost winced. He hadn’t known she’d been paying attention to their progress, he’d hoped she’d been asleep still, after he left a bell ago. 

 

“I suppose you did.” Kaz said as he sat down on her chair. His knee was better today, but still fairly fickle when it came to walking around the bouncing ship. 

 

“What is that supposed to mean?” She snapped and Kaz was frozen where he sat. He… he hadn’t meant anything by it. His mouth opened and closed. What retort did he have to give? He felt the wood of the very room around them suck in a breath and hold. 

 

“I meant nothing, Inej.” Kaz replied carefully, eyeing her discreetly as he straightened his shirt sleeves. 

 

The room remained silent for a minute or two, Kaz busied himself needlessly with pulling out the ledger once more. He had the entire thing memorized by now, but he wanted to distract his hands. Inej had snapped, but he sensed it was not truly anger with him that had her riled. 

 

He heard Inej take a deep breath, the air shaking as it escaped her. He flicked his eyes up when he heard her step off the bed. She could have been silent if she wished, Kaz knew. She wanted him to notice her steps. He only looked up fully when she was standing beside him.

 

“Mati en sheva yelu, Kaz. You did nothing wrong.” Inej said quietly as he took in the red rims around her eyes, the shadow of exhaustion beneath her lower lashes. Her usually glowing skin seemed almost sallow, her hair looked like she’d run her fingers through it a hundred times. She’d had a fitful nap, he could tell. 

 

He sighed as he turned to face her fully from his sitting position. 

 

“If we start apologizing every time one of us snaps for no reason, I’m going to need to just get the words “I’m sorry” tattooed on my forehead so I don’t wear out my vocal chords.” Kaz replied. Her lips quirked in a smile, it was small and took noticeable effort. But it felt genuine. That was enough for him. 

 

“Is this seat taken?” Inej asked quietly. He surprised himself by laughing as she eyed his lap. He leaned back and opened his arms as she folded her legs over his thighs to sit with her back against the armrest. He found himself brushing hair from his face as she huffed a chuckle and pulled it to her farther shoulder. He spit a strand out of his mouth as she settled against him. 

 

A quiet moment passed as he ran his fingers idly over her arm, her head tucked under his jaw against his shoulder. 

 

“You winced, earlier. Did I do something?” Kaz asked quietly. His mind had demanded he ask. He had only touched her shoulder, he wondered if something about the motion, coming from out of her line of sight, had triggered her reaction. While they’d both learned so much, gotten so much further, he knew there were still days where they both might keel over. He wanted to know what he’d done, to prevent it in the future. 

 

Her head lifted from his shoulder, he felt her eyes on his face but he continued staring at his hand as it rubbed over her forearm. 

 

“Kaz,” She called for his attention softly. Then he felt her hand on his cheek, urging him to turn, he was helpless but to obey. Her eyes were clearer than he’d seen all day, deep and dark. 

 

“You didn’t do anything. I… I happened to be thinking of Heleen when you reached out. It… it reminded me of her. How she’d kiss my cheek one moment and the next touch was a slap. You did nothing except have a poor choice in moment, one you couldn’t have distinguished.” Inej said firmly. He let the truth unravel in his shoulders, easing some weight he’d not known he was carrying. He nodded once, her hand was still splayed on his cheek. 

 

“This is the longest I’ve seen you go without shaving.” Inej smiled as he rolled his eyes. He was acutely aware of the two-days worth of shadow along his jaw, but he’d been to embedded in their day to make time for it. Or, perhaps, he just hadn’t cared as much. Out here on the sea, he felt a little looser. Maybe that was the tithe that the wind demanded while ruffling his hair and suits. 

 

“I kind of like it.” Inej was grinning as he ran his free hand over the opposite side of his face. It was itchy. 

 

“Don’t get used to it, Wraith. I am not going to look like a fucking fjerdan with their precious fur coats for faces.” Kaz grumbled. 

 

“Elw.” Inej cringed. “That’s an image. Matthias wouldn’t have looked good with a beard, I don’t think.” 

 

Kaz chuckled at her reaction, the small scrunch of her nose in distaste. 

 

“Exactly. Besides, I have excellent bone structure, why hide it.” Kaz smirked as she swatted a hand against his chest. 

 

“I knew you were not oblivious to it, shevrati.” She laughed, the force of it shaking her small frame cradled against him. “Be careful, you almost sound like Jesper with all that confidence.” She added with a smile. 

 

“Take it back, Inej.” He groaned, ignoring the throb of anxiety in his chest. Three bells and Jesper would be in Arman’s care. By tomorrow, he’d be back to waltzing around and poking fun at everyone who had ears. By tomorrow, Jesper and Wylan could be home in their cushy mercher furnishings. 

 

“No.” She smirked playfully. With the arm around her back, he inched his fingers below her ribcage, tickling that spot that made her gasp in a fit of giggles. 

 

“No! I’m in a bad mood!” She choked out as he continued. 

 

“Oh yes, I forgot. Best remedy that.” Kaz grinned as she called for a truce, shimmying around in his lap to escape his hand, he ceased when she threatened to get up. 

 

As Inej’s breathing slowed, he pulled her closer to him. She was smiling and breathless. This was how they were meant to be a scant week after their engagement. It felt like a lifetime ago, that afternoon in their apartment. When they returned, their boxes would still need to be unpacked. Once again, Kaz wasn’t sure they’d get the opportunity. Kane De Vries had taken something, from both himself and Inej. Kane would pay for it in blood, if Kaz had anything to say in the matter. 

 

“Why pluck flowers if you don’t intend to water them? Why does he do these things?” Inej asked after several long minutes of silence and clutching him as tight as he did her. 

 

Her voice was soft, young. A voice that belonged to the woman under the Captain. A voice of a girl who’d been so close to being the one strapped to a barrel without her dignity in the middle of a foreign sea. 

 

Kaz could think of all the usual answers. Greed, power- revenge, even. None of them matched with Kane De Vries’ cruelty. Kaz hated this man as much as he hated Pekka Rollins. 

 

“I think your faith best describes why, Inej.” He whispered against her hair. He twisted a piece of it between his fingers, smooth waves despite the sea air. He inhaled the scent of salt and drops of sunlight as he leaned his face into her. 

 

“What do you mean?” She asked gently. 

 

“He’s plain evil. Only answer I can come up with for this one.” Kaz answered, his voice rasping over a word he’d never truly believed in. Good and Evil were blurred in Kaz’s eyes. That being said, even Pekka Rollins, as vile as he was, cared for something. His son, his legacy. Heleen, even if it was only a building made of brick and grout. Kane De Vries seemed to care for nothing. Kaz had thought himself a monster, but even in the thick of his hatred, even in the deepest wells within him, he’d always cared for Jordie. For his Da. For something. He’d done evil things, but he’d never have done what Kane had, not to a living person who was unarmed and had done no wrong. Even the worst of Kaz’s crimes had had reason- revenge. Oomen came to mind, him and his eyeball. Kaz had killed him with hatred, true, but it had been because of his protection of Inej. Of all of them from the rival gang. Kaz had cared, even if he’d not yet realized it. Kane De Vries cared for nothing. Slavery could be about power, but Kane seemed to only want violence. 

 

Inej hummed softly against his throat, not bothering to retort. She knew what that admission meant for him, as unreligious as he was. 

 

“I don’t know what to do, mera chaar.” She whispered against him, her lips against his skin. He felt a shiver run over his shoulders as he pulled her impossibly closer. As if he could be the shield he’d craved earlier, to protect her from the onslaught of the world. 

 

“We wait these last bells, and then we walk into Ketterdam like the criminals we are, with our heads held higher than Kane can reach. It’s our city, Inej. Not his. He doesn’t know those rooftops, and he sure as shit doesn’t know the Dregs. No more will there only be a few of us.” Ha paused as Inej lifted her head to look at him, her eyes glassy once more. He removed his hand from her hair to cup her cheek, feeling her pulse beating steadily as his fingertips grazed her jaw. 

 

“In Ketterdam, we have an army, darling.” Kaz said the words with as much conviction as he felt, knowing it was true. 

 

Kaz wondered, for a moment, if this was the purpose Inej’s Saints had seen for him, if they were real? Had he lived to reign over his crooked kingdom for this moment and no other? If there were truly deities of light and stardust out there, had Kaz risen to power to offer his queen an army? 

 

He kind of liked the idea. Especially when it earned him the kiss that followed the words from his mouth. 

 

If nothing else, Kaz Brekker was certain that Inej was made of stars and impossible things. She tasted like cerulean seas and magic. 

 

********** WARNING! Spicy content ahead! Don’t worry! You can skip this and you’ve finished the chapter! Everything will still make sense!**********

 

 

“I don’t want to think of Kane anymore.” Inej was breathless as she broke from his lips, her eyes dripping in gold from the last sun rays streaking through the cabin window. 

 

Kaz was already reaching for her, bringing her lips back to his. He didn’t want to use his head anymore, either. He wanted this. He wanted whatever they could steal from the world before they dropped anchor in Ketterdam. He wanted more than what they’d had in slips of time the past week. He wanted more than schemes and bodies and ocean water. 

 

A low sound escaped Inej’s throat as he dropped his lips to her neck, peppering kisses up her throat, along her jaw. He tightened his grip on her, this chair was not where he wanted her, right now. He wanted her on the bed. 

 

“You will not pick me up, Kaz. Not when your knee is healing.” She pushed off of him, just as he prepared to do just that. His frown was quickly lost when she stood near the bed, her back turned to him. She wanted him to unlace that crimson bodice that had driven him mad since this morning. 

 

Gladly. 

 

“How the hell did you even manage this without help in the first place?” Kaz found himself laughing as his fingers moved through the knots with ease, loosening each lace from the eyes. 

 

“I put it on but you were sleeping so I went and knocked on Nina’s door. I don’t think she liked me waking her at four bells very much. She tied them too tight.” Inej chuckled as his fingers undid the last rung. 

 

“How do you put it on when Nina or I aren't here?” Kaz frowned as she slipped the bodice off over her head, letting it drop to the ground by their feet. 

 

“Is that jealousy I see?” Inej turned to him, a little smirk playing on her kiss swollen lips. He rolled his eyes because she was right. It was. He didn’t enjoy the idea of someone else helping Inej dress. It was petty. Beneath him. He was still just a man. 

 

“Greer helps.” She stood on her tiptoes to kiss the corner of his mouth, her eyes flickering in amusement. 

 

“I’m not jealous.” Kaz mumbled, hardly letting the words slip as she kept pressing kisses into his throat, she sunk back down to her feet.

 

“Territorial, Kaz. Are you going to stand there or kiss me?” She smiled and he’d already forgotten whatever his intended retort had been. 

 

How could thoughts form when Inej began lifting that shirt off her own body? No, he wanted to do it himself, if only because he finally could. He could finally do these small things that were simply natural to any other couple. 

 

Kaz caught Inej’s hand gently and instead turned her around, her back to him once more, he’d left her shirt on, for now. He brushed her hair over her shoulder as he began to kiss the back of her neck, his arms wrapped around her abdomen. He smiled when he kissed over the closure of the chain holding her engagement ring. 

 

“What are you doing?” Inej whispered breathlessly as he eased his hands under her shirt, smoothing over the soft skin of her stomach, his lips did not leave her neck, her shoulders. 

 

“Distracting us both, and enjoying the first free hour I’ve had to be this close to you in two days.” Kaz mumbled earnestly. 

 

“Two days, Kaz. How will you handle when I’m gone for several months again?” She asked through a gasp as his teeth grazed her ear. He felt the smile in her words, it didn’t stop his shoulders from tightening. 

 

He didn’t know how he’d handle it, in truth. He’d grown comfortable, having Inej around him, every day. It had been months since her last voyage, a full season. He didn’t want to think about it. He knew he’d need to let her go. He’d known he’d need to see her off once more. He still didn’t want to think of it. Not now. 

 

As if reading his thoughts, Inej leaned back further into his embrace. “It’s not going to be easy for me either, Kaz. It’ll be harder now.” She whispered, she ran her hand over his arm under her own shirt, he’d not yet dared to let his fingers wander higher. 

 

In answer, Kaz stepped closer, pulled her body flush with his. Her gasp sent shivers down his spine as he spoke. “It’s going to be difficult when I can be this close, now. I don’t know how I’m going to deal with wanting you, Inej.” 

 

“I can feel that.” She groaned as his hand swirled under the swell of her breast. Her skin was like satin under his hands, softer than any pair of gloves he’d ever donned. 

 

“That was the point, mera nadra.” He teased under his breath, mouth against her throat. She pressed her ass closer to him, the friction deliberate for his aching body. 

 

“Can you please stop torturing me?” She whimpered as he left a mark to her neck. 

 

“I’m not torturing you more than I’m torturing myself.” He said as his fingers found the peak of her breast, perked with the removal of her bodice. She’d not worn her bindings with that garment. 

 

“Have I mentioned how much I love that ridiculous laced thing we just removed?” He kissed along her shoulder, where he’d pulled the shirt away to reveal her bare flesh to him. 

 

“I thought you hated it.” She laughed against him. 

 

“No. Leaves these free. I love these.” He pinched her nipple for emphasis, earning a partial laugh mixed with a gasp from her. “Besides, I like red on you.” Kaz continued to kiss her skin but he heard her breath hitch. 

 

“‘Nej?” He paused in worry, but she leaned impossibly further back into him, letting him know she was still here. She hadn’t left her body in the wake of his touch. Her demons had not interrupted their peace. 

 

“It’s just… I’m glad you like me in red.” She whispered. Kaz sensed something else to her words, he waited. Once she sensed he would not continue without her explanation, she sighed. 

 

“Red is what I’ll wear, for our wedding.” She mumbled, the words so soft that even as close as he was, he still wasn’t sure he’d heard her correctly. 

 

His lungs expanded with air, but he swore he stopped breathing. His arms tightened around her. He’d never let himself imagine it, before. Even now that she’d said yes, it was the first time he’d allowed himself to imagine the day he’d marry her. In Kerch, the custom for a bride was white, the color of purity. He supposed, when he’d been a boy, he would have thought his own wife would wear white. But now, he could see Inej in no other color besides red. Would she wear silks? Or a gown? Or pants? He couldn’t care less. She could show up in his black sweater and sleep trousers and he’d damn well say his vows. Or maybe a red sweater. The blood of their enemies. Whatever she pleased.

 

“Red silks are custom for brides amongst the suli, it’s why I have no red pieces.” Inej whispered as he began to kiss along her neck again. His body was desperate for her, this new piece of information only fueling his arousal. 

 

“Red.” He confirmed as he let one hand wander to the waist band of her leggings. 

 

“I take it you’re alright with me not choosing white, like in Kerch?” She gasped as his fingers slipped under her leggings, her underthings. 

 

“I would prefer you to wear whatever you please. So long as I get to see you in it.” Kaz smiled into her skin as she thrust her hips forward, trying to urge his hand to sink lower. 

 

“I’ll raise you something even better, not only will you see what I wear, but you are the only one to see what I plan on wearing underneath.” His cock twitched, he couldn’t begin to imagine what she meant. Inej groaned as his hand slipped farther down, a single knuckle brushing a circle into that bundle of nerves that made her pant his name under her breath. 

 

Kaz realized then, that the last time he’d been able to bring Inej any pleasure had been the morning they’d left Ketterdam. They’d been interrupted by Nina, last time. When Inej had so thoroughly broken him apart in pleasure. 

 

Kaz didn’t hold back his own groan when his finger slid down her folds, finding that warmth that indicated how much she wanted him. His own hips pressed into her, trying to relieve the tension in his very prominent erection. 

 

“Kaz,” She breathed as his finger slipped inside of her, curving to nudge that sensitive spot within her. 

 

“What do you want, Inej?” He whispered against her ear. 

 

“I want you.” She answered, her hips moving against his hand. 

 

“How?” He pressed.

 

“I can’t have what I want right now.” She whimpered, the sound fanning the flames coursing through his veins. 

 

She was right. He wanted that, too. He wanted to have her undressed within a minute and be buried inside her in the next. They weren’t there yet, but Kaz felt no revulsion as he imagined it. His demons had been silent since he’d crawled from the water, but he knew his cell door was only unlocked, not open. His prison guards lingered in the dark hallways of his mind. He wasn’t there yet, but he was prying the bars of flesh open. He was getting there. They were getting there. Soon. Soon. Soon. 

 

“What do you want, Inej?” He repeated the question, knowing her answer would only make him ache more. He wanted to hear it nonetheless. There were plenty of days where he still couldn’t believe Inej wanted him as much as he wanted her, but today, he believed it. He wanted to hear these private confessions from her lips. Then, he wanted to kiss her and kiss her and kiss her. 

 

“I want you underneath me, on the bed, and I want to make you fall apart as you do the same to me. I want to be as close as we can be, and I don’t want a single piece of clothing on your body. I want… I want you inside me, that’s what I want right now.” Inej whispered as his hips pressed closer to her ass. He moaned her name as he let a second finger slip into her. 

 

She was tight. So tight. He couldn’t imagine how this would feel on his cock. He wanted to give himself to her, more than anything else, right now. But he couldn’t. That was the worst part. Not only was it the wrong time, he didn’t imagine it was the right place. Not with so many people on the other side of the door. 

 

When they were finally able to make love, he had no intention of keeping either of them quiet. It wasn’t going to be an option. He’d already decided that much with as little experience as he had, now. 

 

Kaz slipped his hand out of her leggings, eliciting a small whine of protest from her throat. He turned her around to him, her arms were already snaking around his neck, pulling him down to her lips. 

 

The boat rocked over a unsteady wave and they both fell to the bed. He landed on top of her, and she was already laughing. 

 

“I don’t think anything has thrown me off balance in a long time. You distracted me.” She choked out. His own smile chased hers, laughter falling off his lips. Her eyes shined as he looked down at her. 

 

“Well I suppose I intended to lay you out on the bed anyhow,” He smirked as he moved off her, allowing her to lay on the bed properly. His knee gave an angry throb before he laid beside her on his side, propping himself up on an elbow as their lips crashed once more. 

 

“Off.” He broke away from her lips only once to pull at her shirt. She didn’t hesitate to toss the offending fabric over her head as Kaz began trailing kisses down her collarbones, making his way to the perfect swells of her breasts. 

 

“Fuck.” She whispered as his mouth closed around her nipple. 

 

“Language, darling.” He chastised as he moved to her other breast. He felt her hands in his hair already, her only response was a light pull on the longer strands. He chuckled lowly against her skin. 

 

Truth was, Inej cursing in Kerch was equally as exquisite as when she cursed in suli. His length throbbed at his continued ignorance of his own desire. He wanted to take care of her, in the only way he could today. He wanted Inej to be happy, not thinking of Kane, or slavers or the menagerie. 

 

As Kaz scooted down her body on the small bed, trailing open mouthed kisses over her stomach and hip bones, he asked again. 

 

“What do you want, Inej?” 

 

She gasped as he hooked his thumbs into the edges of her leggings, poised to pull them down her legs. 

 

“Your mouth.” She relented when he paused. He smirked as she arched her back to aid him in removing the last of her clothes. 

 

He had her shaking in minutes. 

 

His favorite shade of red was the flush gracing her chest as she muffled her moans into the hand she’d clasped over her mouth. 

 

He fully intended to see that shade on their wedding day, too. 

Notes:

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(Don't forget if you are participating in the surprise on my socials that it ends on Saturday! <33) Thank you, again. Some days, I don't feel like i deserve you all, but I just want you to know that I will never take you for granted. Thank you for reading what I write. For supporting me. For making me believe in myself again.

Chapter 115: Check The King

Summary:

A new player gets involved.

Notes:

Chapter 115!!!

HI GUYS. I'm so late. It's been a week, and I'm so so sorry. It's just been a crazy work schedule and load, and I never intended to take an eight day hiatus, and I hope you can forgive me with this chapter. We have a whole lot of crazy coming up, and I cannot wait. I love you all so much and thank you for being so patient with me. <3

Thank you forever for being here. For supporting me and for caring and for reading. I love you to pieces.

PLEASE I"M BEGGING YOU leave me a comment. I miss you guys so much and I cannot wait to hear your reactions to this one. <3

"King" by Zayde Wolf. (It's self explanatory at the end.)

INEJ

 

Mist rolled over the stars above Ketterdam, a sickly pale gown for a sinner’s sky. 

 

There had been no ships belonging to Kane in fifth harbor, though he could have docked anywhere along Ketterdam’s coast. Still, Inej had drawn her banner down, despite that her ship was recognizable without it, it still seemed like an easy precaution to take. Her mind was a muddled pile of yarn, strands twisting and protruding at awkward angles and intervals. At least, for a single moment, Inej was enjoying watching Kaz threaten the Harbor master on the docks, Dirtyhands on solid footing once more. 

 

“What does that man think he’s going to earn from arguing with Kaz Brekker?” Specht came up beside Inej as she stood near the gangplank of the ship, supervising the offloading of many empty barrels. Barrels that needed to be refilled with supplies before the Wraith’s next true voyage. Assuming the Wraith wasn’t sunk in the harbor. Inej didn’t doubt Kane De Vries would break one of Kerch’s most sacred laws, all for her. 

 

Inej was not flattered.  

 

“Harbor master started barking that we should have pulled into port before dusk, and that we were several days early. Seems he didn’t realize that this berth is privately owned.” Inej smirked as she watched her fiancé rub a hand over the side of his head, his angles all sharp and annoyed as he silently listened to the bellowing man. Kaz had shaven before they’d reached port, pressed as many wrinkles out of his blazer as possible. She wondered how he’d done it, or if even fabric was simply too afraid to step out of line once it adorned Kaz’s body. Her stomach gave a light flip at the thought. 

 

“Oh no.” Nina sauntered down the gangplank, joining herself and Specht on the dock. “Tell me he’s not going to rip that guy’s eyeball out. I think I ate some bad fish and my stomach literally cannot handle it.” Nina groaned as Inej snorted under her breath. Nina did look a twinge green, if she was honest. 

 

Kaz said several words to the harbor master, his tone much to soft to hear from the distance at which she stood. The harbor master’s face paled under the dim moonlight, he was already backing away from Kaz, all but scurrying like a rat up the docks. Inej sighed as Kaz turned over his shoulder, his gaze finding her immediately. She saw a smirk in his eyes even as his lips remained impassive. 

 

“Well, welcome home to Ketterdam, I suppose.” Nina rolled her eyes as she turned to adjust her leather bag on her shoulders. The Corpse Witch turned and walked back up the gang plank, presumably to help Mira and Wylan with checking Jesper’s wounds and packing up their things. 

 

Inej spent the next minutes assisting in the offloading of the ship, her eyes scanning the deck of the ship on every trip for sign of Jesper and Wylan. She already knew that they’d move Jesper on a stretched canvas, he’d been kept under the remainder of their journey. Inej had almost suggested keeping him on the ship and bringing Arman to him, but that course posed it’s own threats. The ship would be manned, by Specht, Greer, and Lain and Cal. Four of her most trusted, but yet not enough to protect themselves, let alone Jesper, if Kane was waiting with an army in the shadows. They’d transport Jesper last, despite his health being first priority. The Harbor masters and dock workers were watching, now. Hopefully, by the time the crew was ready to move Jesper into the city, they will have moved on with their business, sated and bored with the Wraith removing only barrels, this time around. 

 

“Wraith.” Kaz’s timber called and Inej set the barrel she’d been poised to lift back down. When Inej turned, she noticed a slight narrowing of Kaz’s eyes, a tic in a muscle beneath the pale skin of his jaw. Something was wrong, though he was doing his best not to show it to her. 

 

“What?” Inej asked softly, wiping sweat from her brow with the back of her hand as she stepped forward. 

 

“I think we need to check with the Dregs before we bring Jesper anywhere. I’m heading into the Barrel.” Kaz replied, dark eyes already turning to the skyline of crooked chimneys. Inej wished she could pick out the High-Wire from here. Wished the smog and night allowed it. Home. 

 

“Okay, just give me a minute. I’ll get my knives.” Inej replied, already wrapping her hair into a coil. She knew Kaz would give her a reason on the way. 

 

“No.” His tone was harsh and silver. Like steel. Since when did they command one another? She felt her defenses flare, but she forced her muscles to ease. Of all things, she did not wish to fight with him. 

 

“What?” Inej raised a brow, certain she misunderstood. What was going on? 

 

“I’m going. Not we. I’ll move alone. If there’s even a hint in the Barrel that Kane is lurking, I’ll either get back here myself to warn you or send someone. You should stay with the ship, incase you need to pull out of the berth.” His tone was clipped, all thorns and no blooms. 

 

Had Kaz so easily lost the softness he’d touched her with, spoken to her with, only bells ago? No. Kaz slipped into Dirtyhands easily, but something had happened. He’d seen something. The Harbor master had said something. He didn’t treat her like this, not anymore. 

 

“Kaz.” Inej eyed Greer over his shoulder, the girl was already dipping back down the gangplank after one at Inej’s face. The rest followed suit, leaving them alone, as if the sails dared not flap in the Captain’s angry gale of a released breath. 

 

“Inej.” Kaz was being petty. She knew he had the streak in him, but she was not having it. Not today. She’d tell him so, too. 

 

“Don’t fucking do this to me. Don’t. Not after this fucking failure of a voyage, not after today. I’m telling you right now, as my fiancé, I need you to not do this, mera chaar. I can’t handle it. Don’t lock me out when I need you. And I would not leave you, and you damn well know that.” Inej whispered, both angry and exhausted. Her cursing was evidence enough of her mental state. The admission was heavy on her tongue, tasting of sugared flames. Fire that licked and flickered, burning yet sweet. Like the heat of a bakers oven, long since singed with confectionary aromas. 

 

She didn’t need to be shielded, and she knew that was exactly what he was doing. Taking on part of her burden in hopes to lessen any coming blows to her already birds-wing fragile heart. 

 

Saints, she wanted a proper bath. Not because she hadn’t made do with rags or basins for far longer than a week before, as a pirate, she was accustomed to little in the way of luxury- but she craved tendrils of steam to march through her aching muscles. She wanted their bed. She wanted him, above all else. She wanted to walk into the city together, just as he’d promised. She only craved the presence of home to smooth over her fractured spirit. 

 

Inej saw something swim in the blackness of his irises, saw it break the surface with a ripple of ink, all smoke and softness. 

 

“I just want…” Kaz paused, a swallow bobbed in his throat. Inej paused. Whatever this was, Kaz was struggling to admit it. She could be patient with him. “I want to be useful, Inej.” He admitted to her, amongst the barrels and the ropes. Her shoulders released a tension she hadn’t known had been clinging. Kaz had felt… useless? 

 

Of course, that’s why he’d jumped to dealing with the harbor master in her stead. It was why he’d conducted the inspection of the stretcher they’d use to move Jesper, tightening the canvas himself with his sleeves rolled up on the floor in her cabin as the sun sank below the horizon this evening. Why he’d scoured that stolen ledger, time and time again. Why he’d kept looking out to the water, cogs turning under his raven haired head. 

 

With sudden clarity, Inej realized that Kaz had barely been able to focus on his own work, on the Dregs, the Crow club, the merchant council, in the past several months. Kaz had barely gotten in a week of true work between her hanging and Pekka, and then the call of Kane on the seas. Not to mention their voyage to Ravka. Suddenly, everything made a little more sense. Inej had raised her blinders, this past week. She’d only focused on the rescue mission she’d hoped to achieve, and then, she’d been too worried about Kaz and Jesper’s lives. She’d not remembered to ask Kaz what he needed, too. Hadn’t looked past his comforting touch of pale warmth. Kaz needed to work, just as much as she did. Neither of them were made for idleness. The sea was her place of work, but it had never been Kaz’s. 

 

“You felt out of your element, on the sea.” Inej surmised as Kaz flicked a stray piece of lint from his jacket. He nodded, but did not meet her eyes. Inej noted a dot of blush at the tips of his ears, whether from the frigid snap of the wind, or his own admission, she did not know. She loved it, anyhow. 

 

“Did something else happen? Why are you worried about us entering the city? As far as we know, Kane lied. His ships weren’t waiting for us.” Inej asked, her thoughts once again spinning like a wheel on a carriage. 

 

Nothing made sense anymore. All this voyage had brought her was pain, and a week of wasted supplies. Kaz and Jesper had almost died. Her ship had almost sunk. All because of her wish to do right, by the Saints. By the innocent people she sought to rescue. By herself. 

 

“I still don’t know that I believe he came to Ketterdam at all, despite his message, but the Harbor master said something. Something I don’t think he meant to say.” Kaz rasped, his eyes going to the tarp over the corpse of the girl they’d pulled from the sea. Inej swallowed down the monster of grief in her throat, it still tore it’s claws down her insides as it fell into the prison of her ribcage. 

 

Inej had already removed the girl’s body from the barrel, and wove a small knife through her fingers, covered her chest in a spare shawl from the bottom of her own trunk. The girl would go to the Reaper’s barge with claws, because Inej would have her enter the realm of death armed to the teeth. The Saints couldn’t object to that, could they? 

 

Inej did not know the girl’s name, so instead, she’d sewn a title into the hem of the shawl. “Avirya”, in suli, it meant “Winged”. 

 

This girl would yet fly, somewhere better. Somewhere where the sky twinkled and danced, somewhere where her heart could rest amongst blades of starlight and peace. Somewhere safe.

 

“Then how did she get here, and why would Kane request I come back to Ketterdam?” Inej sighed as she tugged on the hem of her coat. Her eyes moved away from the tarp. 

 

She’d shed too many private tears to count, today. Kaz had seen some of them. Some, she’d saved for herself in the pockets of her heart that remained sealed, only accessible to the girl who had survived the Menagerie. 

 

“Because he wanted to ensure we didn’t follow him to the other side of Kerch, because he probably is smart enough to realize we had wounded amongst us in need of proper medical treatment. He wanted to sell those people, Inej. Regardless of his want to remove you, he cared first about the payment,” Kaz flicked his wrist and Inej realized he was holding his time piece. She spied the time, eleven bells at night. They’d taken two bells longer once the wind had died on the coast. Of course not even the wind had wanted to blow in Inej’s direction.

 

Inej nodded solemnly. She’d come to the same conclusion, but then, what had triggered Kaz to wear this face? The one he wore when he planned to fight? She tilted her head in askance, and she knew Kaz understood her question when he sighed, his harsh lines never once drooping under the weight of her stare. 

 

He could handle the stone of her spirit, just as she could weather the steel of his heart. She’d never stop being grateful for it. They both had gilded spines of iron.

 

“The Harbor Master acted strange when I told him who I am. I only gave my name because it’s on the register for this berth and could confirm it in the records. But, he said that someone had sailed in, earlier today. Looking for me, not the Dregs. Just me. He mumbled it under his breath, as if he’d been told to keep silent. I told him he would tell no one he saw me, unless he wished for his intestines to serve as the ropes for the rising flags in the morning.” Kaz’s leather clad fingers twisted over the head of his cane. Kaz was always decidedly clever with his violence, and perhaps on another day, she’d have smiled. Not today, not with what Kaz’s discovery implied. 

 

“I doubt Kane would need to ask a Harbor Master for directions.” Inej said shakily, the wind growing colder with each moment they stood idle on the deck of the ship. 

 

Fog was curling over the rails, now. A perfect night for Wraiths to slink in shadow.  

 

“Exactly.” Kaz answered. 

 

Inej understood, then. There was another player on this crooked chessboard. Only question was, which side of the board did they seek to reach, and which King did they seek to guard? 

 

“Kaz, you are not going into the Barrel alone. Wylan and Nina will stay here with the crew, they can protect Jesper. We’ll send Arman if we find him at the Wire. I do not care what you say, you will not keep me from those rooftops.”

 

“I know. I told you once not to follow me, and what did you do?” His lips quirked as his gaze latched onto hers. She could only smirk in return, a slight lifting of her spirits. Kaz had listened to her. Had not fought her further. He’d learned his lesson. 

 

“I watched you get your ass handed to you before you decided to stand up.” She grinned sweetly.

 

“No, Inej. I always planned to get back up, for myself. I only did it the moment that I did, though, because I was inspired.” His tone softened, something only she knew his voice was capable of. 

 

“What inspired you?” She asked, a shock of electricity sent a shrill from her stomach to her shoulders. 

 

“I saw a spider in the corner, and I refused to let her down. If she could still spin webs out of false silk, then I could damn well stand up.” He replied, as if he’d always held these words somewhere within him. “She told me to fight, so I did.” 

 

Inej felt her heart swell, the false silk he’d seen her in on the night they’d met, she had spun it into something better. Something fitting of a warrior, a survivor. She’d spun it into armor. 

 

“Be thankful then, for spiders who never listen to orders.” Inej whispered as he stepped close to her, his lips a press of faith against her forehead. 

 

“I am. Everyday, mera nadra. Get your saints.” 

 

 

ANIKA

 

The pirate had a crooked nose, and a crooked smile. He kept pacing in front of the desk, the desk Anika sat at that truly belonged to Kaz. She had told the man before her that Brekker wasn’t even in Ketterdam, and yet, he insisted on standing before her, anyhow. 

 

“You cannot stand here and pace for days. It will be days before he gets back.” Anika growled, already tempted to pull her hair out after the past few days. This asshole was making it worse. She had no idea who he was, and yet he claimed to know Kaz. Called him a friend. It made her nerves tighten and clench in her spine. Kaz had few friends, and none of them were pirates outside of Inej, as far as Anika knew. She never would have let the bastard into the building, but somehow, he’d made it inside, past the guards at the door. She was already planning a brutal list of punishment shifts plucking pigeons for the bastards he’d slipped by, in true Kaz Brekker fashion. 

 

“He’s just sailed into port, by my count.” The man replied as he straightened his lapels, a deep emerald green. An offset to russet hair. Anika scoffed. There was no way Kaz had returned, the Wraith should be on the other side of the country, right about now. How would he know, anyways?  Part of her hoped he was right. There were too many things that had happened in the span of the week since Kaz had departed. 

 

“Tell me who you are.” Anika tried again for the umpteenth time, Pim rolled his eyes from where he sat in the chair across from her. Arman and Dirix were guarding the doors. She could kill him, but she knew this man had not come alone. Apparently, a group of pirates were standing in the alley beside the High Wire. Anika had made the choice not to become hostile until they did, not with half of the Dregs forces out in the city tonight, working the club and luring in tourists. Anika may be bold, but she wasn’t an idiot. 

 

“No.” The pirate replied. He tugged at a dagger looped through his belt, toying with the hilt. Anika tapped her thigh where her pistol sat in it’s holster under the cover of the desk. 

 

“Get the hell out of my way.” Anika heard a completely familiar growl on the other side of the door. Pim looked as shocked as she was. 

 

“Oh thank the Saints, better company.” The pirate clapped his hands with a grin. Anika almost fell out of her chair. 

 

The door swung open in a flurry of motion, revealing a cane and a man, brimming with anger. The Wraith was behind him on silent feet. Anika jumped up, facing Kaz Brekker, with a million different questions on steeled lips. 

 

“Oh for fuck’s sake.” Kaz sighed as he saw the intruder. 

 

On an exhale, Kaz added a name, “Sturmhond.” 

 

“You ignored my wedding invitation.” The pirate, Sturmhond, frowned before he noticed Inej at the doorway. 

 

“Captain Ghafa, you look lovely as always.” 

 

Kaz rolled his eyes when Inej smiled and stepped into the room. Pim’s eyes were as wide as a moon. Anika tried to keep her expression in line. 

 

“He told me you were friends.” Anika blurted, chastising her betraying mouth. 

 

“We are!” “That’s a very bold term.” Kaz and Sturmhond replied in unison as they both turned their faces with lightning speed. Anika wanted to shrink into the chair. 

Notes:

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Chapter 116: Investments

Summary:

A bomb.

Notes:

Chapter 116!!!

HI EVERYONE! Sorry I'm late, it's been another crazy week. Thank you for being patient with me. To start off, this chapter was originally combined with the next, so you know what that means?? Quick update tomorrow night! Anyways, I hope you love this one. I am sorry.

Thank you. Thank you a million times over. Always and forever, for just being here. <3

I MISS YOU GUYS. Having only been able to update twice in the past two weeks has broken my heart, I feel like I've been out of touch with my friends! Please let me know what you think!!!! I can't wait to hear from you guys, and I do promise more iconic duos in the next one. <3

"The Mess I Made" by Parachute. (ouch)

KAZ

 

“Out.” Kaz rasped to Anika and Pim as he eyed the red haired man before him. He had no clue why Sturmhond was here, and he was already irritated. Kaz had seen it in Inej’s eyes, too. The moment they docked in Ketterdam, a clock had begun to tick toward an unseen hour. 

 

It was a count down to something sinister and wrapped in shadow. Kaz could feel it in the air, thicker than the smog. Kane had either tricked them entirely, or he was laying in wait. Kaz knew how monsters dwelled, he just might have to force sunlight down the throat of the beasts cave, but Kane would come out of his hiding. Kane De Vries would pay, in blood. Kaz could slip on the mask of a succubus, too. 

 

“Boss, there’s some things I should really speak to you about. Now.” Anika swallowed after her words, knowing how kindly he took to disobedience from the Dregs. Anika’s hair was tangled on the side of her head, as if she’d just run her fingers through it. Kaz didn’t miss the way Pim straightened his shoulders beside her, nor did he miss the way the man’s gray eyes shifted over Anika’s face, assessing something that even Kaz couldn’t read in all his years of knowing his most trusted lieutenant. 

 

Perhaps they had a language all their own, too. Like himself and Inej. 

 

“It can’t wait?” Kaz bit out, letting the irritation coat his tongue in dewy silver, quick to the bite. 

 

“I would say no.” Pim answered in Anika’s stead, and Kaz noticed the way Anika stiffened in irritation. She looked, frankly, exhausted. Kaz had noticed bags under the eyes of Arman, too- when he’d passed the healer outside the door, ignoring whispers of surprise at Kaz’s unexpected return to the Barrel, a week earlier than planned. 

 

What the actual fuck had happened?

 

“I can always excuse myself to a corner, I assume you have liquor stocked here somewhere. Long journey from Ravka.” Nikolai, Sturmhond, said offhandedly from somewhere behind Kaz. Only when Kaz heard Inej laugh, did he turn around. She was laughing truly, for the first time in days, as she watched the pirate sleuth through Kaz’s liquor cabinet, eyeing bottles and tonics. Kaz forced his shoulders to loosen, even as his eyes dragged over Inej’s face, her hand cupped over her mouth as she muffled her giggles. Sturmhond was grinning at her every other second as he dramatically shifted the bottles around. 

 

Kaz hated him, a little bit. A lot when Inej saw his expression and promptly stopped smiling. He hadn’t meant to do that. He felt unraveled and possessive. It wasn’t a good look, and he knew it. 

 

“I think it would be best if you wait in the lobby.” Kaz let his anger slip once more into his tone as he glared at a King wearing a Pirate’s face. Nikolai at least had the decency to set the bottle he clutched down as he squared his shoulders. 

 

“Fine. I will be bringing my team into your building. It’s beginning to rain.” Nikolai chirped, his tone all but flippant. Inej’s glare was boring into Kaz’s face, but he ignored her. He should have slept. He probably should’ve eaten something while they were still aboard the Wraith. Anika’s shoulders were sharp as she followed Nikolai to the door before closing it. Kaz hadn’t even had a chance to object to the King’s command of shelter for his brethren. 

 

“Excuse me. Good to see you- Anika, Pim.” Inej bit out with a tight smile in the Dregs’ direction just as she too made for the now closed door. 

 

“Where are you going?” Kaz rasped, not even bothering to question the demand in his voice. He knew he’d misstepped the moment she froze, like a hare hearing the draw of a bowstring. 

 

Inej’s eyes all but sliced through his flesh as they flashed to him. Not a hare, but a deadly fox. Kaz swallowed thickly. 

 

“Me? I’m going to speak to Arman. I have a job for him, Kaz. If that’s inconveniencing, that’s unfortunate.” Inej’s voice was smooth as smoke and fire, and it gutted him as he stood in front of Anika and Pim. They both dipped their heads in return to her earlier greeting, though Inej’s back had already turned. She was gone before he could speak, too. The door did not slam, though the click of the handle, soft and angry, gutted Kaz as if she’d swung her full body weight into the action of shutting the door. 

 

What the fuck was wrong with him, right now? 

 

How had he not made Jesper his first priority? Something had shaken him, and Inej had specifically asked him to be more attentive to her, today. She’d voiced what she needed from him on the deck of the Wraith, told him not to shut down on her. He hadn’t even realized what he was doing, hadn’t even thought of the words he’d loosed as a command. Hadn’t intended to be rude to Nikolai for simply making Inej smile. 

 

He’d failed his fiancé, his partner. She’d told him. He’d failed. He’d been useless, again.

 

He should have been glad that Nikolai had been who awaited him in his office. Should have been glad they hadn’t returned to a full frontal attack of forces belonging to Kane De Vries and the slave trade. 

 

Kaz Brekker was a fucking mess in a tie, and he’d be damned if he let it show to Anika and Pim. He’d handle whatever Anika needed to speak with him about, and then, he’d find Inej and apologize, and then, he’d deal with Nikolai, and then… then he’d shower and make some coffee and start investigating Tante Heleen’s most recent banking statements, and send Roeder out to take a look around the Menagerie, and then and then and then…

 

Kaz spiraled for a grand total of thirty seconds, took one deep breath, and then he turned around to face Anika and Pim, a united force of Barrel scars and different shades of blonde harshness. 

 

“Two or three fingers, Boss?” Pim asked gruffly as Kaz waltzed to his desk chair and sat down to eye the two of them. Somewhere behind him, one of the wall sconces was buzzing. Kaz wanted to bash it with his cane as his ears began to ring. A headache was coming on, and Kaz knew he’d also not drunk enough water. 

 

“What?” Kaz asked with a quirk of his head. 

 

“You look like you need a fucking drink, if I’m not overstepping.” Pim cleared his throat as he took a step toward the liquor cabinet that a Ravkan king had previously torn through. 

 

A surprised chuckle came under Kaz’s breath, humorless and edged. Though, his frustration was not with Pim. Not with any of the Dregs, surprisingly. Save for the bastards that had let Sturmhond into the building without Anika’s permission. That much had been clear on his lieutenant’s face when she’d looked at the pirate. 

 

“Three.” Kaz answered, thankful that Pim said nothing further and instead poured decadent amber into a glass and set it on the edge of Kaz’s desk. Anika dropped into the chair in front of him, eyeing the same glass. 

 

“Have one.” Kaz surprised himself by uttering the words, but the truth of it was, Anika had been in charge of the Dregs for him twice, recently, despite her desire never to lead them. He owed her a glass of whiskey. 

 

Growth, his conscience whispered. Good business, his defenses replied smoothly. 

 

“So spit it out.” Kaz rasped as soon as Anika had taken a long swig of her own glass Pim had poured. The man stood close to the door, clearly unsure whether to stay or go. Pim had clearly been acting as Anika’s own lieutenant in Kaz’s absence, he wasn’t surprised. Not when the two of them were like planets circling the same moon they’d yet to name as more than friendship. Kaz dimly wondered if he and inej had looked the same, to Jesper or Nina. Wylan and Matthias, even. 

 

“I really hoped the Wraith would return for this part.” Anika mumbled as she fiddled with the glass in her pale hands. Kaz noticed the hint of a new tattoo just below the neckline of her coat. Or, he assumed it was new, based on the hint of shine to the skin. Anika had more ink than most of the Dregs, Kaz knew. Not because he’d seen it, but because he’d heard Pim mention it, and Rotty. Yet, on her right arm, only the Crow and Cup was embedded in her skin, as if she wished for it to stand out. 

 

Kaz had never asked, nor did he care. He only took observations to see where his best members of the gang would be weakest in a fight. Always gathering intel. Kaz was no spider, and still, he ran his gloved fingers through webs in his mind. 

 

“Doubtful.” Kaz mumbled lowly. The sconce was still buzzing. 

 

The door opened, and like the Devil asked for a phantom to do his bidding, A Wraith answered. 

 

“I wasn’t sure if this pertained to me, but I thought I’d return. Arman is on his way to the ship.” Inej said to the room as she closed the door once more. Clearly, she had no qualms about interrupting, and Kaz felt his chest flood in pride, despite their distance from one another. She was his equal, she needed no invitation. 

 

Anika and Pim thankfully did not ask what Arman’s mission was. Kaz didn’t think he could handle talking about Jesper, now. He had to be okay. Had to. His brother, his aranhi, was stronger than a wound. Stronger than this world. Stronger than Jordie had been. 

 

“What did I miss?” Inej asked as she strode to the corner beside Kaz’s desk. She did not look at him, and instead latched her eyes onto Anika. Her braid was tight, as if she’d just redone it. Her shoulders were tighter. Kaz felt a pang of guilt in his stomach, but he did not let it show, even as his eyes drug over her, begging for a glance. 

 

He knew he’d fucked up, he’d tried to command her, been an asshole to everyone present. He wanted her to know he knew it, too. She gave him no opportunity. She held herself as a Captain, his business partner with no trace of their personal life. He should be glad of it, and once again, he only felt frustrated. He wanted to scream. All he’d wanted to do for a week was scream. Kane De Vries was who he wanted to torture, maim, sell like cattle to the highest bidder. 

 

“Nothing. I was waiting for you.” Anika replied, her voice careful as if she could feel the burning wick leading to a bomb between himself and Inej. Anika downed the remainder of her drink, swallowing as if to prolong whatever this conversation was to be. 

 

“Go on then.” Inej said simply, her voice cool and clipped. Kaz stiffened when Inej commanded his lieutenant. 

 

If they weren’t fighting, he’d be kissing her as soon as they were alone. He might do that anyways, if she allowed him to. It was too much for him to handle. Inej was born for authority, and he fucking loved it when she took up the space she damn well deserved. A wraith in the shadow, a Captain in the light. The sea of his soul. 

 

“Right, well I suppose there’s no use in dancing around it. We bought people from under Tante Heleen’s nose. With marked kruge. Traceable kruge.” Anika straightened. 

 

Everything stopped. The world held it’s breath as Kaz stood, and promptly went and poured himself four fingers worth of whiskey. This was not good. 

 

 

 

INEJ

 

“What?” Inej croaked, air stolen from her lungs as she stared at the blonde Dregs’ lieutenant. The air felt thinner, the lamps brighter. Kaz was guzzling a whiskey, as if he’d well and truly like his blood to turn amber. She ignored everything as her eyes locked with the green wells of Anika’s irises. 

 

“There was a secret auction, four days ago. A single ship sailed into port, I remembered the flags from when… from when you were placed on trial. The green and silver, a serpent circle. I knew it was a slaver the moment the runners reported it, and I took what I knew and followed it. You’d been called out to sea, and it was the perfect time to sign over indentures, with no one to stop the sale.” Anika swallowed, her eyes darting to Kaz. 

 

“How the fuck did you infiltrate a slave auction, and how the fuck did we pay for it?” Kaz growled as he slammed his empty glass down on the liquor cabinet. 

 

Inej felt the tide drag her under, coiled lightning began to crack against her nerves. Blinding rage hidden with the serenity of a loosened breath. That was what he cared about? When he knew her mission? Her purpose? Her aim? 

 

Inej didn’t know what to do when gravity ceased bending to her will, but suddenly, she was spiraling in the eye of a hurricane. No. Kaz wasn’t that man. Not anymore. That couldn’t possibly be what he cared about, now? Not when Anika had saved lives, made a call to be better than the rest of the fucking barrel? 

 

“Where are they? How many?” Inej asked, raising her voice above Kaz as he began to ask another question. Pim’s gaze was locked on Anika, only flickering to Kaz every now and then. Inej wondered if Pim would go to blows with Kaz if he dared reprimand Anika. She wouldn’t stop Pim, right now. Kaz could take him, easily, but Inej would like to see him land a good blow right now, maybe it would shake some sense into the Barrel boss before her. Kaz had cracked, somewhere. Inej didn’t know where in the course of the evening it had happened, but he had. She didn’t know how to close the fissure between them, now. She didn’t know if she wanted to, yet. She was angry, a thunder storm raging under her skin. Like that storm, she wanted to scream. 

 

“In the suites a floor below us. They’ve got food, only a few spoke Kerch, but thankfully Pim knows a little Shu, and Arman translated to the Zemini’s. There’s six of them.” Anika replied steadily. 

 

“We did the right thing.” Pim raised his eyes to look at Kaz, and Inej noticed how Anika eased her shoulders only slightly at the sound of her friend’s voice in her defense. 

 

“Yes, you did. I cannot thank you enough.” Inej said through grit teeth, her hands balled into fists at her sides. Kaz had to see it. Had to see reason. What if those six had been a part of those thirty souls? Six saved was worth far more than zero. 

 

A lake of gold in the desert served nothing to the thirsty, a single fresh spring was worth it’s weight in treasure. A proverb that calmed Inej enough to release another steady breath. 

 

“We knew Tante Heleen was on the hit list and we snuffed her. We aren’t idiots. Now, we can track the funds through the trade, and potentially track them all the way back to the Slave Trade Master himself. Every note we paid for those people was marked. If we can find those marked bills, we can find the next lead. I was under the impression that the Wraith was still apart of the Dregs, and therefore, her mission is also ours.” Anika stood to face Kaz as he stared at the three of them from across the room, jaw set and back straight. A muscle ticked in his throat as the leather on his hands creaked against tight knuckles over the head of his cane. 

 

He wore his fighting face. Inej could not read him, because his shields had been raised and enforced, his eyes a one way mirror. He’d not let her see in, he’d locked her out. Just as she’d asked him not to. Her heart shook under his callous regard. 

 

Inej shook the thoughts away, Kaz Brekker was not her mission, tonight. She’d wanted to lean on him, sure, but she could do it alone. She could shoulder the weight of Kane De Vries, of Tante Heleen. He could count his kruge for all she cared. Anika had never answered his question, and Inej realized, Anika stood closer to herself, than Kaz. It said more than Inej could unpack. 

 

Saints, this day, this week, had gone foul, fast. Where was her avri? Her future husband? Her best friend? She needed Kaz, not Dirtyhands. Not today. She’d been walking on the eggshells of her spirit since they’d pulled that suli girl from the water. Kaz had cracked those pieces under his cane, since they’d entered this building. Their home was above them, once again waiting to be unpacked.  

 

She felt betrayed. She felt blind sided like a carriage horse on a tight corner. She’d told him she needed him. 

 

“There’s more to report, but I think someone should do something about the pirate.” Anika mumbled. Pim stood beside her, his storm cloud eyes caught Inej’s. She swore she saw something like sympathy pass over his irises as he turned toward the door, still awaiting Kaz’s dismissal. 

 

“Fine. I want every piece of this plan you put into play, and I want every detail you found during that auction. If the Dregs were revealed as the buyers, it’s only a matter of time before the peacock flashes her feathers in anger.” Kaz ran a hand over the side of his head, glaring at none of them in particular. 

 

At the very least, Inej thought, Kaz knew when he was outnumbered. Outnumbered against herself and Anika, at that. Pim would take Anika’s side. There was no question. Inej wondered once more, why neither of them had the courage to look at one another with honesty instead of trepidation. 

 

Then again, she thought, sometimes love did that. Warped your opinion of the world, of what could be. Sometimes, the fear of missing out weighed less than the want of familiarity. She and Kaz knew that, had lived that. It had taken no small amount of bravery to rip those bandages off, baring souls in the light of the moon and on the rock of the sea. Even in her anger, she was grateful. 

 

“Leave. We’ll deal with Sturmhond in a minute.” Kaz rasped, not daring to lift his eyes to her until the door to the office clicked shut once more, leaving them alone. Pim and Anika had left without another word. 

 

“What the fuck, Kaz? What was that? How did we pay for them?” Inej broke the silence with a hammer in her words. She all but snarled as she stared at him. All thoughts of love drowned out by the thunder of her heartbeat against her chest. 

 

She loved him more than the stars, and yet, it was a black night. She couldn’t see the moon.

 

“Listen, please.” Kaz requested as he took a step toward her. His shields cracked a sliver, and she saw something hopeless, hurting, flash in his deep eyes. 

 

Her step back told her all she needed to know. Her body had moved away from him without her permission. She listened to her own bones.

 

He’d broken something with a hammer, too. 

 

“Inej.” He began, but she brushed past him and did not hesitate to walk out the door. She’d rather the company of pirates. 

 

Those innocent people were not investments. And neither was she. 

 

 

 

KAZ

 

“I’m sorry.” The whisper fell from his lips too late. She’d slipped away. 

Notes:

Socials:

tiktok: @ravenyenn19
tumblr: @ravenyenn19

sorry, love you.

Chapter 117: Fight or Flight

Summary:

A talk.

Notes:

Chapter 117!!!!

Hi everyone! I know I'm a million years late, but I just want to say I'm so sorry. <3 I had a crazy week that was very unforeseen at work, and I really really hope you can forgive me. I know I'd made the promise to have chapters up, and I absolutely had every intention, but then life hit me in the face repeatedly. I really hope this chapter makes up for it, because it's a special one, for me. Not because it's grand or anything, but because it's real. Because it's the roots of what this story began with- Kaz and Inej. I hope you love it, sincerely. I'll be back with another one asap, because we have some piratttttteeeee coming up. We all know who I'm talking about. Anyways, hope you love it. <3

Thank you for eternity for your patience and for just reading this story. It seriously means everything to me. Everything.

Please leave me a comment, i'd love to hear from you guys. It's been such a week and hearing from all of you is seriously the day brightener I need right now. <3 I've been steadily trying to get back to some comments, and I will be in the next few days as well. I love you all to infinity.

"Poison & Wine" by The Civil Wars (It's more the vibe of the song rather than the lyrics. It just fit, somehow.)

KAZ

 

The pirates had left, Anika had brought Kaz a missive only moments after Inej had left his office, a note from Sturmhond. Apparently, whatever he was here for, would wait until the morning. Kaz didn’t know if he was more irritated by the fact that the man had made a show of waiting for him, only to leave, or relieved that he could ignore that problem for a few hours. Kaz suspected Sturmhond’s ship must be in one of the Harbors, he wouldn’t be difficult to find. Kaz would deal with that problem later. 

 

For the past two bells, Kaz had ordered specific Dregs members to fetch clothing and fresh linens for the people in the suites on the second floor, though Kaz had not worked up the courage to go down there himself. He’d not saved them, nor did he want their gratitude. He also wasn’t ready to find Inej. She’d left. She’d walked away from him, and while some part of Kaz knew that she had been as on edge as he, he’d been ready to talk to her. To explain to her what he’d meant in asking of the payment of those innocent people. Did she truly think so low of him to not realize he’d misspoken? That his concern was not of the monetary value? Kaz Brekker was at least the third wealthiest person in Ketterdam, right behind Wylan Van Eck. He suspected the first wealthiest was not common knowledge, though perhaps the merchant council already suspected it, as half their funds went to the fucking blonde peacock in her gilded house of exotics. He had no concerns of his funds, not anymore. His mind had simply moved faster than his mouth, and while he felt guilt that it had painted him in this shadow within Inej’s mind, he was not sorry he’d asked. 

 

His avri knew him better than that. He was exhausted, angry, and burnt out. He rarely allowed himself to reach his breaking point, and yet, he’d almost crossed that line. He needed a fucking shower. Food. His stomach was drenched in whiskey, no sustenance to chew on. 

 

Kaz leaned back in his chair, rubbed his hands over the sides of his face, letting the pen drop to his desk. The club numbers were not working. Math had betrayed him, left him alone with his thoughts. Normally, these numbers sent him somewhere else, allowed him to switch off every unnecessary function in his mind and deal in only fact and division. 

 

Was Jesper okay? Had Arman healed him? What had Inej told them? Were they going back to the mansion? Was it even safe for the Van Eck estate to be occupied, now? Was Kane De Vries in Ketterdam, too? Why was Sturmhond here? What had happened to Inej, tonight? Had he truly ruined something? Or did he even deserve this silence in the first place? He didn’t know a Ghezen damned thing. Kaz Brekker had spent too much time away from the Barrel. He needed to rise again, show face. Prove his kingdom was still firmly under his cane’s leg. 

 

Tomorrow. Tomorrow was the best he could do. Nothing would be accomplished tonight, even if his every muscle ached to check things off a mental list of crimes and business ventures. 

 

Nothing made sense, and Kaz Brekker thrived on fact. Shower. Shower would help. Food would help. 

 

She would help. 

 

Kaz stood, his knee throbbing from the weight. Whiskey hadn’t dulled it’s agony as much as he’d hoped. He’d not drank enough to feel anything but a slight warmth in his veins, but now it was wearing off. Switching off the sconces, Kaz stepped into the abandoned third floor hallway of the High-Wire, locking his door behind him. He’d given the order to have double men on the doors both here and at the Club, tonight. Anika was most likely doing final checks of posting, too. Kaz had told her to take the remainder of the night to herself, and her brows had nearly risen to her hairline. He’d shut his door after that, and had been blissfully alone for the hours since. He knew it was nearing two bells in the morning, based on his time piece as he rode the lift to the sixth floor. 

 

He’d wanted to return to this apartment with Inej. He tossed the thought through the brass bars of the cage, letting it stay on the third floor. He was angry, with her. Hurt, by her. He wanted her near, even still. 

 

When Kaz exited the lift cage on the sixth floor, he found the hallway sconces glowing dimly, their glass shows illuminated on the hardwood floor. He sighed as he walked to the door of the apartment, fishing his key from his pocket. 

 

The click of the lock opening was the least satisfying noise he’d ever heard. It wasn’t accompanied by Inej’s laugh, as it had been the last time he’d exited this place, only a scant week prior. 

 

Kaz couldn’t push the door open, something heavy settled on his chest and refused to budge as he leaned his forehead into the cool wood, hand still braced on the handle. 

 

What the fuck had happened this week? Why the fuck wasn’t Kane De Vries dead yet? Why had Jesper gotten hurt? Inej?

 

Kaz took one deep breath before he forced his eyes open and turned the handle. 

 

The room was bathed in soft light from candles sitting on the small kitchen counter, the wall sconces were on low. There was another set of candles lit on the window sill, dancing in the spring air that flowed in from the wide open frame. 

 

Inej? No one else had a key. She had returned here? Before him? Despite Kaz’s anger, he felt no small amount of relief slide through his veins, mixed with his very blood. He hadn’t felt her, he’d been too distracted by his own violent typhoon of thoughts and plans.  

 

He felt her now, as he shut the door behind him, that sweet warmth that jittered in his nerves and warned him of his Wraith. He noticed a couple of bags on the kitchen counter, he smelled something sweet. 

 

Their moving boxes were still scattered around the main room of the apartment, just as they’d left them. Kaz eyed the boxes as if he could glare at cardboard in Kane De Vries place. He wished, for a moment, that he was an inferni. He’d like to burn that bastard alive. Kane had stolen what should have been one of the happiest weeks of Kaz’s life, and Inej’s. No one had gotten the drop on Kaz like this since Pekka Rollins. 

 

“Hi.” Inej’s voice was soft as Kaz turned over his shoulder, finding her leaning in the door to their bedroom. Her hair was free of it’s braid and cascading over her shoulder in shiny smooth waves. She was wearing leggings, but she’d swapped into one of his button downs. One he was certain had been packed in his boxes. He almost gave into his mouth’s desire to smile. He would not. He was still angry. 

 

“Hello.” Kaz rasped as he leaned back against the kitchen counter, resting his cane beside him. Inej was wringing her hands in front of herself, her eyes searching his face. He focused his eyes on the ring now firmly back on her finger, the chain no longer around her neck. 

 

His stomach flipped in protest of his hurting heart. 

 

“What are the bags?” Kaz gestured on gloved hand to the white shopping bags on the counter beside him after she remained quiet, looking at him. The silence was oppressive, it was not their own. There were too many words clogging the air that demanded some sort of release. 

 

“Just… I’ll show you in a minute.” Inej pushed a strand of hair behind her ear, her voice soft yet strong. Kaz nodded as he gazed toward the windows lining the far wall, he could hear the wind against the bricks, he could breathe a little more, up here on the sixth floor. The smog was ever present, but the strong gale from the harbor helped. 

 

“How is Jesper?” Kaz couldn’t hold onto his worry anymore, the words jumping off his tongue, like a skipping stone in a lake. The ripples carried around him as Inej watched his profile. He did not look at her. 

 

“He’s alright. He’s downstairs, Pim offered his apartment for Jesper and Wylan until we determine if the house will be safe for them. He said he would sleep on Anika’s floor or back at the Slat with the new recruits. I thought… I thought that might be better. I remembered when I got shot at the house… I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if… if Kane had somehow gotten men there and…” Inej paused. 

 

“Either way, Jesper and Wylan are here. Nina stayed on the ship, with Specht and the rest of them. I gave her my quarters. She could help, if there’s any sort of attack. I told her not to, but she insisted. Arman said Jesper will be fine, he’s simply exhausted. But he’s not bleeding internally anymore, his wound closed. Wylan had to half carry him here, but he kept asking about you, he was very foggy. I told him you were fine, and that you’d see him in the morning. He protested until Arman slowed his heart to sleep. Wylan looked like hell but happier than I’ve ever seen him, arguing with Jesper.” Inej spurt out the words, her breath labored over a swallow as he listened. Some of the weight fell from his shoulders. Jesper and Wylan were here, safe. Nina was surrounded by others they trusted. The High Wire was armed with an army and offered security. Jesper could rest. Kane’s men were not among them. 

 

“Good.” Kaz nodded, eyes still on the black sky out the window. His throat felt dry and his muscles coiled, but he made no move to remedy the distance between himself and Inej. 

 

This time, Kaz needed her to speak. He needed her to cross this chasm to him. He wanted to understand what happened, but even in his anger, he had no desire to push her. They didn’t work like that. He’d listen when she spoke, but until then, he would not pry answers from her lips. He would not lie to her with his words or his silence, either. He was not fine and he needed her to know it. 

 

Kaz felt her eyes on his face, but still he looked forward. His eyes wanted to look at her, to drink up her every detail like a thirst crazed man in a desert. No matter how angry he had ever been, he’d never stop wanting her. It drove him crazy, looking away from her. Kaz wanted to go home, as he stood in their apartment. 

 

“I shouldn’t have left the way I did.” Inej whispered after a long moment, her voice swaying like the curtains in the breeze beside the window. This time, his eyes gave him no warning before shifting to her, assessing the way she still favored her left leg after the beating her right had taken on the sea. He wondered if the bruises were fading. He noticed the slight twist her finger gave to her engagement ring, as if the metal could help her find the words. 

 

He noticed everything, in the time it took his eyes to track from her socked feet to the loose hair around her face. Her eyes were like dark copper in a forge, ready to be poured into molds for coins. Searing hot and ready to spill. He hated that look, the hint of fear in her irises. 

 

Inej walked toward him but stopped in front of the bags on the counter. She reached into the top of one and pulled out a bag of licorice. Kaz stared at the candy in her delicate hand- his favorite. 

 

“I don’t know anywhere in Ketterdam that sells olive branches, but I figured this might suffice.” Inej mumbled as she shifted the bag in her palm. Kaz reached and took the bag from her, his lips stayed impassive but he still smiled inwardly at her joke. He slipped it into his jacket pocket without opening it. She watched his movements before sighing and reaching back into the bag. Inej produced a large box, and on the side, Kaz saw a price listing from one of the shops in the Barrel. 

 

“Plates. I bought us plates. I also bought us these.” Inej reached in once more and a small bundle of silverware joined the plates on the counter. 

 

“You bought us… plates.” Kaz said dumbly as he watched her remove her goods. He didn’t understand. 

 

“I was angry but…I didn’t want to stay on the ship. Once I saw Jesper and Wylan safely back here I wasn’t ready to… I didn’t want to come find you, yet. So, I went for a walk. I made a list of things we needed while on the ship this week, when I couldn’t handle thinking about Kane anymore. I wrote it down.” Inej reached into the pocket of her leggings and showed him a crumpled piece of paper with a list in her looping scrawl. There were checkmarks next to “plates” and “silverware”. He almost smiled. He liked lists, too. 

 

“I also found black mugs. I thought you would like them, for your coffee. I got this one for me.” Inej’s lips quirked as she reached into the next bag and brought out two black coffee mugs and a large rimmed tea cup, painted blue like the sea. Kaz’s hands itched in his gloves as he reached for one of the black cups. He did like them, and she’d bought them, for him. Caffeine would only taste better with the memory of her mixed in. 

 

“What made you leave me to go household shopping?” Kaz muttered as he ran a finger over the black ceramic. The question was loaded and they both knew it. He heard Inej take a deep breath as she balled up the bags and tossed them to one of the empty boxes in the corner. Strange, Kaz hadn’t thought either of them had unpacked a single box. 

 

“I wanted to do something I wouldn’t have been able to do when I was in the Menagerie. I wanted to walk on the streets amongst normal people and go into a normal shop and buy a normal something. It’s only luck that everything in the Barrel is open to almost obscene hours for the tourists.” Inej whispered as she stepped on her tip toes to reach the top cabinet next to him. 

 

“Stop.” Kaz murmured gently as he nudged her out of the way and instead put the mugs on the lower shelf. Somewhere she wouldn’t have to climb to reach, as much as he’d enjoy acrobatic feats every time she wished for a mug. It wouldn’t hurt that she favored leggings that were skin tight to accentuate every lithe muscle. 

 

He almost reached back and put them on the top shelf just so his future self could be grateful. 

 

He was supposed to be furious, but like that ointment for his leg, her presence was a balm over him, easing away the discomfort, the hurt he’d tried to ignore the past three bells. He still needed answers. He still needed to apologize, too. He knew that. 

 

“Thank you for the mugs.” Kaz turned to her. She was worrying her lip but nodded as she glanced up at him. 

 

“And the licorice.” Kaz amended as she loosened the tie around his neck and tossed the fabric to the counter. Inej had stepped away from him and instead took a match from the book by the door to relight one of the candles, now smoking in defeat against the breeze. 

 

“I shouldn’t have left the way I did.” Inej repeated as her shoulders rolled back under the crisp white of his shirt hanging off her body. Her back was turned to him, he could see the slight flex of her shoulder blades. 

 

He willed her tide to heed his lunar call. Willed her to meet him on land. 

 

“When I heard you speak those words, Kaz, something happened. It was here, all in here.” Inej touched her forehead to make her point as she turned to face him once again, the warm brown of her skin heightened in the dim lighting, her edges softened under the kiss of flames. 

 

“Normally… I begin to vanish from touch, but I think… I think I vanished for a moment from words alone.” Inej heaved a breath and Kaz’s mouth began to open to defend himself but he didn’t get a chance. “I know it’s not what you meant. I know you’d been about to explain it to me. I know that, now. I didn’t, then. I couldn’t comprehend because I was spiraling deeper and deeper, up and up, until my feet couldn’t touch the ground and yet I couldn’t crawl to the surface of this… this black inside me, Kaz.” 

 

Kaz’s jaw clicked shut. His muscles coiled impossibly tighter, as if to defend her from some unseen demon beneath her skin, with voids for eyes and flesh for claws. Shock seeped through his pores, Inej didn’t think the worst of him. He hadn’t expected her to have forgiven him, he’d thought he’d need to explain. She knew him better than he’d allowed credit for. 

 

“In that moment,I couldn’t… I couldn’t decipher between the past, between men and women like Tante Heleen, and you, my best friend, my avri. The person I trust most in this world.” Inej spoke, her dark eyelashes were wet but she kept wading through that muddy chasm of confusion between them. 

 

“I heard “pay for them” and my heart stopped. Because I was paid for, time and time again. I could have been one of those people, except back then, there weren’t people like Anika to make a choice to save me. There was no gang in the Barrel that would have seen beyond what was between my legs or the smoothness of my skin, just like her. My brain just… I couldn’t stop hearing men arguing with Heleen over my rates for an evening.” 

 

“Even you had to convince Per Haskell to pay for me.” Inej sniffled as she began to braid her hair to the side of her head. He wanted to leap across the room and do it for her. He would not. Kaz knew what a confession looked like between them, they’d had to have many of these conversations in these years between them. He needed to understand; understand so he knew how to love her better. 

 

“When I was in that awful place, I vanished in my own head. You know that. It was the only way, I think, that I survived. Tonight, I fell into that pit again, Kaz. I don’t know if it was because we… because of what we faced on the sea, or because I’d not been smart enough to actually try and eat or take care of myself, but it was… it was like you’d slapped my skin. It was like my mind equated those words to an unwelcome caress.

 

“My voice didn’t feel like mine when I left that room, I only knew rage. I only knew I felt betrayed and… and scared. I felt scared and I don’t even have a reason why, Kaz. I felt hands on my body as I ran from this building. My body wouldn’t slow down until I was back up on the rooftops. I was running from something inside myself because that’s all my mind knew how to do…and my body followed it’s lead. In a way, I wasn’t fighting, I was flying.” 

 

“Inej,” Kaz’s voice cracked but she shook her head. 

 

“Here.” Kaz unwrapped a piece of leather from his wrist. He’d taken to having a spare tie on him, once he’d learned to braid Inej’s hair. He passed her the leather tie and her eyes raised in surprise as she took the piece for the end of her braid. He tried to shrug but her small smile told him what it meant to her. 

 

He’d buy more of those. He’d tie one to his cane for all he cared. Inej was constantly breaking or losing the little strips. He could help.

 

“You know that phrase, right? “Fight or flight?”” Inej asked softly as she knotted the leather around her braid. 

 

Kaz nodded. 

 

“I think… I think that the girl I was, the one in the Menagerie, I think she’d been a flight. All she’d ever known was flying and falling. You… you gave me the fight, Kaz. Maybe it had always been there, but you showed me how to reveal that part of myself. I think who I am now, as the Wraith, as a Captain, she’s fight. But every now and then, I’m still her. The girl who runs. The girl who vanishes. All I do know for certain is that in the Menagerie, I felt like a bird in a cage and then you picked my lock and showed me that I never needed a key, because I had the talons of a bird of prey already. I could rip all my gilded bars to shreds if I only kept trying.” Inej whispered to him and the candles, and like the flames, he nearly swayed on his feet. 

 

It made more sense, now. Her demons had come crawling from their pit and pulled her down into it. It had been his words, words she hadn’t been able to see through with her past blindfolding her. He’d been there. He’d lived, there. Jordie’s voice had felt real to him more times than he cold count, had held him back from kissing her in the Geldrenner. Had made him say the wrong thing a thousand times over. A million times that phantom demon had held sway over him. He could never fault Inej for the same thing. 

 

“I’m not sorry for… who I am. I’m not sorry for the claw marks left behind under my skin. But, I am sorry that I can’t give you fair warning for what will trigger my panic. My armor. I’m still learning, clearly. Part of me wonders if I always will be learning, in some way. If I’ll never have a list of exactly what will send me back to silk and sweaty sheets and gross hands.” Inej breathed, her tear filled eyes looked up to him. Kaz took in every detail, every glimmer of wetness in her eyelashes, the shine of the buttons on the shirt of his she’d stolen. 

 

“I like puzzles, Inej.” Kaz replied softly, he laid a hand on his cane beside him, twisting his fingers over the beak of the crow. She tipped her head, sending a piece of hair from her newly formed braid. 

 

Kaz knew with every piece of himself, that he’d never understood anything better than what she had spoken, just now. He understood, fully. 

 

“I will help you find every piece of your puzzle. I know we don’t have a box to reference the picture, but I never used those anyways. Not even as a boy, it drove my brother crazy. I like the surprise, and when I tell you that every piece of you has been the most pleasant unraveling of a greater image; I mean it most sincerely. I’ve never wanted the puzzling to end with you, mera nadra. Even when we are bones in the ground, I’ll never stop being grateful that you allowed me to add my own pieces to your puzzle, as black and sharp as some of them are.”

 

“Your pieces are in the middle.” Inej whispered, her hand placed over her heart. “Those are some of my favorites.” Kaz felt his chest constrict. 

 

“I’m sorry, Inej. Those words… it was… you know how my mind works, I think. My thoughts were already eighteen steps ahead of my mouth, it’s like… it’s like those mountain avalanches in Fjerda. My thoughts are already halfway down the mountain by the time the valley below, my mouth in this instance, can even be warned. I would never stand in the way of those people’s safety. Once I might have been a lesser man, but even then, I never would have objected to their saved fate…” 

 

Inej held up her hand. “I know. I know you’ll unravel your storm and tell me where your mind went. I know that. I know you.” she said, her tone strong and sure as the tide. 

 

“I love you.” Kaz said, his throat demanded it. His heart rattled in his chest with the force of coming home. Inej’s eyes sparked as she smiled softly, her chin lifting up higher, by the fraction of a centimeter. 

 

“I used to be terrified of that word “love”.” Inej said quietly, her gaze skimming over his face as yet another candle gave up it’s breath of fire to the winds of Spring. 

 

“Somewhere along the way, Kaz, my parents names stopped being the first I thought of when I heard the word “love”. I was sixteen the first time it happened.” Kaz tipped his head in question, but she was smiling as she continued. He wanted to hear this, whatever thought had brought the flush to her cheeks, the sparkle to her skin. 

 

“Where an equation had once seemed solved, an equal sign between “love” and the world, it was no longer so simple. Of course, my family still fit the word’s sum, I loved them. It’s just that I had realized, as a teenage girl fresh from a pleasure house, that whenever I heard that sharp and soft word, yours was the first name I thought of. It was dangerous, that equation of strong words and names equalling one another; but it was safe in it’s little bubble labeled “mathematics”. There was no grammar to enforce it’s true meaning, no period or comma to stand guard. 

 

“The true danger lay in the days that those words began to hack at the equal sign between them, desperate to be strung together with only that little gap of space- anguished and foolishly hopeful, to become a sentence so honest that I’d never shake it away. Then, you told me that same sentence, with my own name attached. I was dust on the wind, that moment on the docks. I was obliterated by feelings so sterling and wild and honest. The moment I told you I loved you, I knew that equation had taken on a new title in the form of a confession: I love you Kaz Brekker. I love you and I will love you until I simply do not exist. In death I will love you as adamantly as I have in life. The world can take my body, but until my soul is shredded, it will be yours.” 

 

Kaz stepped forward, walking to her faster than he had since he’d broken his leg. He couldn’t care less about his lame limb’s protests.

 

“Going to kiss you.” It was a mumble as his hands came up and cupped her cheeks, the only warning he could give either of them. Her laughter flowed into him as his lips met hers. The laugh. He broke, from those words, that noise. 

 

“Really should have saved that for my vows, huh?” She whispered against him when he pulled away, only to breathe. 

 

“No. No you shouldn’t have, because here, there is no one I have to kick out. Your parents would have hated me if I made everyone leave our wedding because I refused to share you for another moment. If you had told me that then, I would have ruined our wedding.” Kaz replied, trying for stern and failing as he leaned his forehead against hers, grinning. 

 

“Don’t look smug.” Inej half laughed, half whispered. 

 

“I am smug. I am the smuggest bastard you’ll ever find, and it’s because you chose me. Not my fault. You signed up for this, Wraith.” 

 

“You need to shower.” Inej giggled as his eyebrows rose. 

 

“Excellent timing, Inej.” He laughed, free and sure and no longer worried about a damn thing outside of this apartment. 

 

“It is, because I need to find a way to get you through the bedroom door, and it just so happens the bathroom is that way.” She chuckled as his hands skimmed over her throat, releasing her cheeks. He ripped the leather off his hands as if it had burned, tossing his gloves over his shoulder, haphazardly avoiding the candles. 

 

“You have no need to tell me I smell to make me go to bed with you, Darling.” 

 

“You do smell like the sea. I want you to smell like you, and while I do enjoy the idea of you coming to bed with me, I wanted you to go through the door for other reasons.” Inej grinned wickedly as she pulled away from him, only to grab his bare hand and drag him along. 

 

Inej opened the bedroom door, to reveal their bed, fitted in new sheets, the same cotton of his bed at the Slat, but a deep gray. Next to the bed, more candles burned, and Inej gestured to the open closet door. 

 

Kaz raised an eyebrow as he walked to look in. All of his suits had been unpacked, hanging just the way he liked them, though they were still rumpled from a week sitting in boxes. 

 

“You were busy, Wraith.” Kaz could only smile as he watched this new piece of Inej fall into place. She liked getting things for their home, making it theirs. Wylan had been right, he could see the joy she was gaining from some plates and sheets. 

 

“I tried to flatten them, and I only made the wrinkles worse.” Inej said, her voice indicating a wince. Kaz felt arms gently wrap around his middle as she tried to peek over his shoulder into the closet, standing on her tip toes. He only placed his hand on her own where it rested on his abdomen. 

 

“Better they are hung. Thank you.” Kaz added his gratitude in suli, rewarding him in a kiss to his shoulder. 

 

“I heard there was an unsolvable murder in Belendt. The papers were all mentioning it.” Inej smiled into his shoulder. Kaz felt wings flutter within his chest. It had been too long since they had a crime to obsess over solving. It had been years since the Zemeni ambassador case. 

 

“Details, darling.” Kaz rasped with a smirk as she pulled away from him and launched into the story she’d read in the post as she walked to the shops this evening. She’d only stopped talking when he stood in the shower, her eyes appraising through the glass. He didn’t mind her eyes on him. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That night, they ate licorice and sat on their bed, Inej leaned back between his legs as he rested against the headboard, running his fingers through her hair. She read the news article aloud to him. She’d brought the paper home for him, too. 

 

They puzzled over how the murderer got away with killing an employee at a bank in broad daylight, with no witness, and in a vault, no less. There had been no kruge stolen. 

 

For hours, they laughed as they threw idea after idea at one another, rewarding good guesses with the licorice between them. They forgot the rest of the world, and instead, they laughed. 

 

Kaz thought he could get used to living. Tomorrow, they’d do it all- but tonight, he already had everything. 

Notes:

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Chapter 118: Six

Summary:

Six tasks.

Notes:

Chapter 118!!!!! (PLEASE READ THESE NOTES!!!)

First off, HIIIIII!!!!! I've missed you all so much. This is the first time I've had to take this long in between updates and I'm so sorry. I really hope you love this one though- I love it so so much. I love it so much. This one and the next one. Love it. Adore it. I worked so hard on it. I hope you love it, too.

A CLARIFYING NOTE: This story does not follow King of Scars duology canon, though, Nikolai and Zoya are still a couple, she still ends up as Queen. I know that's a bit confusing, but I love them. I changed Nina's story though as you know, since this is my take of after CK. I hope that makes sense. A lot of what happened in KoS and RoW could have still happened, but this story is about the Crows, about Kanej. SO, needless to say, this is a continuation as if KoS hadn't happened in some ways. (cough certain deaths etc cough). Nikolai and Zoya still found their way to each other in my canon, though. <333 Hope that makes sense.

NEXT, thank you a million times over. Always. Forever. For being so unbelievably patient with me as I try and carve out my time to write both this and my book when real life gets crazy. I'm so thankful for each and every one of you, all the time. I just hope you know that, even if I've been slower to upload and respond to everyone. I will get back in the swing of things, I promise. <333 thank you again for every single bit of support you've given me. I really can't explain how much it means to me.

PLEASSEEEEEEEEEEEEE I beg for you to leave me a comment and tell me what you thought. I miss you guys so so much. It's been a little lonely, not getting to hear from you all and get back to comments. <3 Drop me your thoughts or what your predictions are or whatever you want, really! <3 I just feel like you guys are my friends, as well as readers. <3

"you should see me in a crown" by Billie Eilish. (THE POWER IN THE ROOM. KAZ's POV.)

INEJ

 

“Why do you want to meet with him alone?” Inej asked as she glared at Kaz from across the bathroom. She was submerged in bubbles, and the heavenly scent of night blooms wafted from each perfect orb. 

 

She’d missed her favorite soap this past week. Missed it terribly, like some cushioned house wife. Saints’ bless Wylan Van Eck for introducing it to her in the first place. 

 

She leaned her head back against the folded towel- her makeshift head rest. She saw Kaz’s eyes flicker to her in the mirror, saw the way his gaze traveled down her collarbones, stealing each glimpse of her skin in a way that only made pleasant goosebumps raise on her arms. He didn’t try and hide his stolen glance, and she was happier for it. She was no longer afraid of his eyes, never his. She was no longer afraid to look her fill of him, either. It was why she’d chosen a bath, anyhow. He’d only gotten out of the shower a few minutes prior. Inej found she enjoyed a bath with a show and she’d told him as much. A little butterfly took flight in her stomach at the memory of his laughter through the glass shower. He’d laughed even as he washed soap from his hair, an image Inej would hoard in the warmest parts of her heart forever. 

 

A muscle worked in Kaz’s jaw as he refocused the blade to his throat, his arcs perfectly smooth as he dusted away shave soap. Inej wondered if the world would burn down if they didn’t leave the apartment this morning. Would everything just work itself out, without herself, without Dirtyhands and his perfectly crisp jawline that she’d like to smooth her hands over for a small eternity? 

 

“Because he was waiting in my office to meet with me last night. Because I know how many things you have to do, Inej. Let me do what I do. I need to make sure our perimeters are tight around the new territory. I need to meet with Anika, and find out what the hell I can do to squash any wishful eyes from the Blacktips and the Liddies. You know they’re after my real estate.” He rasped in response as he combed his hair back. Inej rolled her eyes with a snort, though she noted he claimed the territory as theirs.

 

“You’re not stealing my watch, you’re after my wallet, mera chaar. I know what you’re doing, answer my question.” 

 

That little muscle ticked in his neck. Inej almost smiled, she’d seen through his conversational diversion. She loved sparring with him, in any form. Wit included. 

 

“Because I’d like to hear why he’s here, and if it’s not important, send him back to Ravka because I’d much rather focus on our enemies that are out for blood. Kane. Probably Heleen, now. Or, more so than before at the least. Not to mention the merchant council that surely wants our heads after we made a mockery of them in front of the Exchange and you survived a hanging.” He sighed as he turned to face her, leaning against the counter. 

 

She knew his leg was still healing after what had happened on the True Sea. She’d seen the wince he’d tried his best to hide when he’d risen from their bed only half a bell ago. She also knew he’d had a nightmare in the night, but he hadn’t woken from it. Inej wouldn’t push him to speak to her about it, if he didn’t wish to. She’d woken in the middle of the night to find his breathing uneven, but when she’d tried to coax him awake without touching him, he’d silenced. A moment later, his arms had wrapped around her, still dead asleep. She wondered if her voice had helped, somewhere in his subconscious. She’d keep the idea for the future, and she’d treasure the ease in which he’d sought her out in slumber. 

 

Now, Inej studied him. Studied the crisp white of his shirt and the onyx tie that hung on his collar, waiting to be knotted. Noticed the deep purple under his eyes. She could tell he wanted to meet with Sturmhond, alone. He held her eyes, never once letting his stare falter. Inej didn’t entirely understand that particular battle, but she had come to understand Kaz’s need for work- his work. She could let him win this battle, she had every confidence that he’d share how the meeting went. 

 

Inej had her own list of a million things that needed to be seen to. She needed to find out if it was safe to send word to the country house belonging to Wylan’s step-mother, Alys; ensure that Ketterdam was safe enough for Khalid and Rahul to return, along with Marya and Trassel. Inej knew Nina was missing her companion, and Inej missed Khalid and Rahul. She hadn’t intended for this time with them to begin with, but now that she could have even a lick of it, she craved it. Desperately. 

 

She needed to check on those innocent people, find out if they had homes they needed to return to, or if they might need shelter here at the High-Wire. Kaz had shared with her last night, as they’d laid down in bed, that the restaurant on the ground floor was set to open, whenever they wished. He’d already begun paying wages to the staff hired in the weeks’ prolonging that they’d been away. Some of those whom Anika rescued might need jobs, too. 

 

A giddy feeling rose in Inej’s chest at the simple thought that she could now offer a chance at a new life to those she liberated, to those with no home to return to. Kaz had given her that. Kaz had given her so much more than that. 

 

An idea sprung forth in Inej’s mind, a little idea wrapped in a black ribbon that she filed away for later- she’d need to speak to Nina. The only person she’d dare ask about her idea. A way to show Kaz her gratitude. 

 

“I assume you need to go to the Club, too?” Inej asked as she began to lather up a small cloth for washing. 

 

“Yes. I also need to meet with Rotty at the Slat and Dirix in the new territory. I need to go through about seventy missives. I need to check on Jesper. I need to go over the numbers. I need to unpack our things and I need to take my fucking suits to the launders.” Kaz swallowed on the edge of a shaky breath, clearly as surprised as Inej felt at his outburst. She raised a brow as she watched him run a hand through his freshly combed hair, letting that pesky piece fall back to his forehead. She longed to tuck it back into place, and watch it fall again. 

 

Kaz was admitting to her how overwhelmed he was. He was letting her in, under a different sort of armor plate. In all their years together, Inej had seen Kaz stressed. He rarely, if ever, so much as hinted to the true weight of it. Inej would not take his candor for granted. It meant something to her, for him to let her hold his burden, too. 

 

“Kaz.” Inej called quietly as she sat up straighter to look at him. She could not touch him from her position in the tub, but she still minded the bubbles and wet that covered her arms. Noted how he eyed the threat of the water as it sloshed. 

 

“Lists. We thrive on lists, you and I. Make one of four things for today. Only four. I’ll do the same. Then, we’re having dinner here in our home like I hear real people do sometimes, and the rest we tackle tomorrow. Pathra aein kannad.” She watched as his initial reaction bubbled to the surface, but this time, his brows smoothed before he loosed an argument. 

 

“What does that one mean?” He asked, sounding somewhat resigned. 

 

“Pebbles into boulders, mera chaar.” Inej smiled softly as she rested her chin on her hands on the side of the tub. She could feel her hair loosening from it’s bun on the top of her head, a strand tickling her neck. 

 

To her surprise, Kaz took the few steps between them, and carefully tucked the strand of hair back into the bun on the top of her head, keeping his fingers far from her wet skin. It was more progress. Every single day. 

 

“Four? How about five?” Kaz looked down at her, his hand fell back to his side. His fingers twitched, as if he still wished to touch her. She understood that, very well. 

 

“Are we negotiating?” Inej smirked up at him. 

 

“Yes.” Kaz answered, his lips impassive but his eyes dancing in amusement. She loved that look. Look number four on her list- amused Kaz Brekker. 

 

“Fine. Five tasks and dinner is nonnegotiable. We are unpacking something tonight or so help me I’m going to start letting the crows inside, Kaz.” Inej replied, stern and unwavering. 

 

He laughed, again. He tried his best to keep his face in line, but he lost it. So did she. 

 

“I’m terrified of marrying you, Darling. Your threats are unmatched.” He murmured as he composed himself. 

 

“Oh yes, poor Kaz Brekker. Whatever will you do with a wife who cares for you?” Inej smiled as she returned to her washing. 

 

“Become the laughing stock of the Barrel, probably.” He replied with a wink over his shoulder. Inej almost dropped her bottle of soap as he waltzed out of the room. 

 

Winking was number three on her expression list. Damn him. She smiled into the bubbles as she dunked her head under the surface. 

 

 

 

KAZ

 

There was blood on his boot. He should’ve swung more carefully when he’d broken the dealer’s hand. 

 

“Let it be known, that I hear everything.” Kaz had growled in the man’s face, only moments ago, before setting him loose on the street outside the Crow Club.  

 

The man had tried to skim extra cuts of tips for the past week. Kaz had seen it in Rotty’s notes from overseeing the tables of the Crow Club, and Rotty had intended to fire him. Kaz would have been amiable to that course, letting the man skip without payment for the week. Then, Kaz had learned where that dealer spent his stolen kruge. Not for a family. Not even to drink himself into a stupor. No, this dealer frequented the Menagerie. He’d admitted it, gladly. Admitted his worst crime as if it was worthy of a medal. Admitted his abuse of innocents like it made him a man. Kaz had seen red, and he’d still managed to hold back. 

 

The dealer had been lucky Kaz had a meeting to attend with a king. Otherwise, Kaz might have given him broken legs and perhaps left nothing between his legs to use on innocent girls under the peacock’s gilded bars. 

 

“Boss.” Jamison, the bouncer on duty, tipped his head as Kaz ascended the stairs to the private smoking lounge of the Crow Club. Dimly, his mind shifted to Inej. Had she completed her five tasks today? He’d completed six, but he’d done it in the time of five. Perhaps he’d still admit it to Inej. It was new, this scratchy need to be honest with her, always. Not that he’d not always tried to be with her, but now, it felt like a part of his most basic makeup. Honesty with Inej, always. He’d tell her his completed list, tonight. 

 

He’d met with Dirix, and sure enough, the Blacktips were becoming bold. Kaz would organize something violent to test their measly mettle. Problem assessed, solution found. Nothing Dirtyhands couldn’t squash like an unsuspecting fruit fly on his bowl of ripened goods. 

 

Next, he’d stepped in to check on Jesper, though he’d been asleep once more when Kaz had entered Pim’s apartment. Wylan had been in the shower. Kaz had heard the water, the light from the small washroom under the door. He’d left a bottle of bourbon on the table beside the slumbering sharpshooter. Jesper would know who it was from when he woke, and Kaz didn’t mind. He’d check in again tonight before dinner with Inej. He’d learned his lesson once, on not looking in on those he cared for. He was a man in reformation, far from the seventeen-year-old boy on the Ferolind. Or something like that, he supposed. He couldn’t spare the mental capacity to analyze his actions.

 

Then, he’d met with Roeder, informed him what to look for, as far as they knew, for Kane De Vries. The Serpent circle emblem, or any incoming ship without banner in fifth Harbor. Any strange activity surrounding the Menagerie. Kaz hoped the spider found nothing. He hoped he found something. He didn’t know which he’d prefer, currently. 

 

He’d not gotten to meet with Anika directly; though she’d dropped off an extensive document of usual business findings from the week he’d been on the sea with Inej. First thing tomorrow, they were discussing Heleen and what exactly Anika had done to rescue the people currently seeking safe harbor on the second floor of the High-Wire. 

 

Kaz had also been by the Slat. Rotty had delivered a report on the five new recruits to the Dregs, and had also shown Kaz the progress on the construction taking place on the ground floor; the project of converting the back rooms into extra bunks, and a true kitchen. Kaz had started the plans the moment the High-Wire was finalized. Kaz had also ventured to the attic, only to make sure his spare safe under the floor boards had not been tampered with, and that the few things he and Inej had left there had been untouched. Thankfully, the locks were tougher than any new recruit could hope to pick. Not that the room held much, anymore, but Kaz did have a nest egg of kruge under those floor boards. Enough money that was untraceable, enough to rebuild one’s life… if the time called for it. 

 

Kaz had learned the value of savings very young. In a dark sort of way, he was grateful for that miserable lesson. For Jordie’s foolhardiness. For the world forcing him to learn. Kaz had also added an additional ten thousand kruge from his personal account, for Inej, if she ever needed it. If they both ever needed it. If Inej ever chose to take his name, his real name, he’d add her to the accounts he held in the Rietveld name. They still needed to have that conversation, about their joint resources. Kaz had a lot to share, and the thought made him giddy. Numbers always made him giddy, but numbers regarding currency… those were his favorite. Add Inej to the conversation? A perfect day. 

 

Six. Six things he’d accomplished, after this meeting with Sturmhond. Nikolai. The fairy king of Istamere. Whatever the fuck his title was. 

 

Kaz nicked a bottle of whiskey and two glasses from behind the stocked wet bar at the top of the stairs, as well as two glasses. The lounge was abandoned this evening, under his earlier order. The chandeliers cast the lush seating in crimson panes of light as Kaz crossed the hall toward the private gaming room he’d established for high rollers and his occasional personal use, with Jesper and Wylan. Khalid and Rahul, hopefully. If they could return from the damn country side. 

 

Kaz did not envy the Suli men. Alys Van Eck had probably broken them like wine glasses with her singing. Maybe he’d need to teach them sign language upon their reunion. Inej’s family didn’t ask for this. For any of it. He knew it was wearing on Inej, their absence, even if she’d managed to hide it well. Khalid and Rahul’s forced presence in Ketterdam by courtesy of Pekka Rollins had taken a toll on his Wraith. It was both blessing and curse, wrapped in the slick black of misfortune. 

 

Kaz took a breath before he pushed open the door to the gaming room, nodding to Pim as he passed. Kaz had posted Pim on watch at the end of the hall, close enough to alert Kaz of any matter, far enough to not hear anything of his looming conversation with Nikolai. 

 

“All Saints, you brought refreshments. What a host.” Sturmhond greeted from a seat at the singular round table, his booted feet kicked up onto the dark, and new, mahogany. The pirate wore a smooth grin as he tilted his false face. Kaz set the bottle and glasses on the table before flicking his cane out and knocking the pirate’s feet off the table. 

 

“Rude, Mr. Brekker.” Nikolai chastised. 

 

“Rude to show up in another city unannounced to those who run said city, but here we are.” Kaz replied smoothly as he sat down across from the pirate. 

 

Nikolai’s red brows lifted, his coloring stark against the white and black painting of the Crow and Cup on the maroon wall behind him. Kaz tilted his head, a silent permission to go on. He knew he was meeting with a king, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t one in his own right, too. Kaz would hold his head high, this was his club after all. Everything he’d worked for since he’d been nine fucking years old. 

 

An Emperor of the underbelly met the eyes of the Golden King, and uncorked liquid tenacity.

 

“Where is your Captain? Truly I’d hoped she’d attend. I’ve heard wonderful stories about her, seems she is making a name for herself.” Nikolai said coyly as he took one of the tumblers into his own hands. Kaz noticed the Pirate also wore gloves. Brown leather. Kaz’s were of better craftsmanship.  

 

Because he had to wear them, Kaz thought bleakly as he ran a finger over the rim of his own cup, feigning every bit of boredom he could muster. Inej did not know that Sturmhond was the King of Ravka, tailored. Kaz didn’t break that promise of secrecy to Nikolai, nor would he. Not because he wished to keep anything from Inej, but because on some level, Kaz understood the risk Nikolai took by leaving Ravka at all. Kaz realized what Nikolai’s revealed identity could mean to those who sought the destruction of a nation, an empire. It was not his secret to share, even if he often dealt in them. 

 

Surprisingly, Kaz had a lick of conscience left in him. Somewhere under his blanketed heart, only open to Inej. 

 

“She has business to attend to.” Kaz answered, his voice rasping more than usual. It was obvious that Sturmhond knew of his and Inej’s involvement on some level. He’d helped Kaz by giving the tip on Kane De Vries’ ship emblem, by way of a letter, when Pekka had kidnapped Inej from Ravka. Nikolai had also found Inej’s parents in the first place, the king had held up his end of the bargain, just as Kaz had. Kaz should be thanking him, but that wasn’t good business. He didn’t understand why Nikolai was here. 

 

“Well I’m afraid this business,” Nikolai gestured between the two of them. “Involves her, as well as you.” 

 

Kaz felt his muscles tighten, the hair on the back of his neck raised. Inej? Why? 

 

“No matter, I always take the opportunity to catch up with friends.” Nikolai raised his glass before tilting it back. 

 

“How’s the Ravkan royal coffers, Nik?” Kaz masked his irritation as he leaned back in the chair, letting the roughened skin of Dirtyhands slip on easier than his best gloves. 

 

“How’s your leg?” Nikolai smirked in return. 

 

Kaz found his own lips slipping into a sly grin, against his mind’s every order. 

 

“Fuck you.” 

 

To Kaz’s surprise, they both laughed. It was strange. This noise was reserved for Inej, Jesper. Maybe Wylan and Nina. 

 

“You missed my wedding. I invited you. I’m awfully put out by it, I’m a king, you know. I even included a plus one. Granted I would have only accepted your Captain, but you get my point.” Nikolai wiggled a brow before he reclined in his own chair, dusting a dust particle off his emerald tunic.

 

“Not much for palaces unless I can steal things, which I doubt your wife would have enjoyed my gift. Gift here meaning, loss of everything I could snatch from under the aristocracy’s nose, and namely, yours.” Kaz snickered roughly. 

 

“She is not the type of Queen you want to piss off.” Nikolai agreed with a smile, private and true. 

 

“I’m fairly accustomed to that kind of Queen.” Kaz replied, not bothering to hide the genuine amusement in his graveled voice. The whole Barrel knew he was in love with Inej at this point, what was one more King who already suspected as much? 

 

“Hey!” Kaz’s head whipped immediately toward the sound of Pim’s shout in the hallway. “No one is to go in! Oh, I- Wraith.” Kaz heard Pim’s indecision. Inej was his equal, and Inej needed no invitation. 

 

Kaz’s shoulders stiffened as electricity shot down his spine, just before the door to the parlor slammed open. It was not Inej who greeted him, instead, he was met with cold, electric eyes. 

 

The recently crowned Queen of Ravka, formerly known as General Nazyalensky. 

 

“I happened to find out from Genya that you had a private meeting to attend. I wouldn’t want you to have to navigate on your own in such a… different sort of conversation.” Zoya lifted her chin in the doorway, her kefta pristine and without crease. Her dark hair was pulled partially back under a hood, but the curls still escaped. 

 

“Fuck.” Nikolai grinned at his wife sheepishly. Kaz was still hung up on the fact that Pim had indicated Inej was present. 

 

“Not to worry, we’ve arrived. I happened to see a ship I recognized on my way to your side of the Barrel, Brekker.” Zoya eyed him indifferently and Kaz narrowed his eyes before her words sank in. Oh. Oh.

 

“Excuse me.” Inej moved from behind Zoya, the chandelier catching the silky braid of her hair. 

 

“Double fuck.” Nikolai said in greeting to Inej. Kaz swore the bastard’s smile widened. 

 

“Moi Tsar.” Inej nodded in Nikolai’s direction, though she did not bow. That’s my girl.

 

Wait… Inej knew. Inej knew. Thank her fucking Saints, Kaz didn’t have to hide it anymore. 

 

“Hello, Inej.” Kaz caught her gaze as she waltzed toward him, looking every bit her title. She was wearing that damned jacket. The naval one. Damnit. Double fuck. 

 

“Kaz.” Inej replied cooly, though her expression hinted at amusement. She wasn’t angry? That he’d not told her of Nikolai’s identity? 

 

“General, I don’t believe I’ve had the chance to congratulate you on your coronation.” Kaz finally spoke to Zoya as Inej pulled out the chair beside him, reaching for his glass and taking a drink. The action felt… intimate. Baring. Kaz liked it. Liked watching her drink his whiskey and setting the glass between them to share. She didn’t even flinch after the swallow, despite that he knew it was not her drink of choice. 

 

He was rubbing off on her. Kaz liked that, too. 

 

“Save me the snark, Brekker. Also, it’s “Queen” not “General”.” Zoya flipped her hood back as she sat at the table next to Nikolai. 

 

“If I was being snarky, I’d tell you I’m elated to be in your presence.” 

 

“Oh this is delightful. You really should have been at our wedding.” Nikolai piped in, despite the glare Zoya leveled him with. 

 

“My sincerest congratulations.” Inej added quietly, her smile true. 

 

“Thank you, Captain. Though how you know who I am, I don’t understand. You must realize I couldn’t share this truth, though it was nothing personal.” Nikolai added with a grin to Inej. 

 

“Moya Tsarita told me. Seems she thought I knew.” Inej flicked her eyes to Kaz briefly. For the thousandth time, he was pleased he did not flush easily. He didn’t miss Inej’s use of their titles, he understood. While Inej’s residence had been Kerch for years, she was still Suli. Still Ravkan. Though, Kaz knew the previous Ravkan monarchy had not treated well with her people. If anything, perhaps that would change, now. Zoya was Suli, too. At least partially. 

 

“Yes, well. Can’t be surprised with your current company.” Zoya’s icy eyes slanted to Kaz. 

 

“My fiancé kept a promise. No disrespect, but I value that even if you do not.” Inej met the Ravkan Queen’s eyes evenly. Kaz felt his breath lodge in his chest. 

 

Inej. His beautiful, daring, brave Treasure. His own Queen. 

 

“To Suli storms, Eh Brekker?” Nikolai raised his glass and Kaz lifted his own before downing the remainder of it’s contents, the liquid warm going down. They both ignored the surprised eyes of Inej and Zoya. 

 

Camaraderie at it’s finest. 

 

Kaz caught the slight tilt of Inej’s lips as she rested her left hand on the table, her fingers tapping lightly. Her engagement ring sent sparks of light to the ceiling above them. It was intentional. 

 

Zoya eyed the ring on Inej’s finger. The two Queens were an even match. Kaz could see it clear as day. 

 

An entire ocean, depths of fearless soul; a lightning storm of calculated tenacity. 

 

He fucking loved her. Kaz was going to kiss her in this room the way he had after the Crow Club opening. More than that. 

 

“Fiancé?” Nikolai choked as the realization dawned on him. Kaz rested one hand on the back of Inej’s chair, smug as all hell. Inej rolled her eyes at his display, but when Kaz’s gloved hand swirled a circle into her shoulder, she leaned into the touch. 

 

“This is all very… unenjoyable, frankly. Shall we get on with business?” Zoya looked at Nikolai, and the King only smiled. 

 

“You are in a mood, my love.” 

 

“You’re drinking and procrastinating.” The Queen replied pointedly. 

 

Kaz scoffed. Zoya looked at him, before realizing his small laugh was genuine. She let it go. 

 

“Fine then.” Nikolai ran a hand through his auburn hair as he straightened in his seat. “Mr. Brekker, if I were to provide you with a map, a list of security, army movements, and a budget, how long would it take you to plan an infiltration of a foreign prison, only the plan? We don’t seek you to complete the mission.” 

 

Kaz felt Inej’s free hand land on his thigh under the table. She squeezed delicately. 

 

“You have blueprints?” Kaz rasped. He turned his eyes to Inej to find her looking at him, too. He kept his eyes on hers. He could see it, she already knew something. Her eyes were yelling at him to listen to whatever came next. She smiled, without moving her lips at all. He could read her. 

 

“Yes. I know you’ve planned something similar before.” Nikolai replied. 

 

“Six.” Kaz replied. 

 

“Six weeks? That’s a bit longer than needed. If I provided you everything could you cut that dow-“ Nikolai began.

 

“Six days.” Kaz finally turned his head. “Assuming my price is paid.” 

 

Notes:

Socials! :

titkok: @ravenyenn19

tumblr: @ravenyenn19

 

PS- Zoya really was that tiktok sound: "I just had a lovely conversation with a friend." Bahahahhaha

Chapter 119: How High They Would Fly

Summary:

A conversation. A plan. A bomb, dropped.

Notes:

CHAPTER 119!!!

Upload 1 of 2 today, as promised! The other will follow in a few hours (I'm playing a board game before I edit that one<3)!! AHHHH!!! I'm sorry this has been such a long absence, but I'm pulling so many strings in this story now that I needed to take my time. I needed to give myself ample time to figure it out and also not run myself into the ground too hard. <3 These next few chapters are about to be insane. <333 I cannot wait. I've waited so long to get here. So long. 500k words long. I hope you love it, and I hope you're excited. This one is plot heavy, but stay with me, okay?????

I just want to say thank you, as I always do. But i just want you to know I mean it. Every single one of you mean the absolute world to me and I know that I'll never be able to express my gratitude enough, so instead, I'll keep writing. It's the only gift I can give, so small, in comparison to the smiles you have all brought me. In comparison for the kindness and patience and grace you've all bestowed. Thank you forever.

AHHHH I MISS YOU GUYS PLEASE LEAVE ME A COMMENT SO I CAN HEAR FROM YOU ALL. I'VE GROWN USED TO COMMUNICATING WITH YA'LL EVERY DAY AND IT'S BEEN SO WEIRD NOT GETTING TO CHAT WITH YOU GUYS. <3

INEJ

 

            “What’s the catch?” Kaz paused as he eyed Nikolai and Zoya. Inej was wondering that, too. Zoya had spotted her on her ship, over a bell ago, and then the Queen herself had waltzed up the gangplank of the Wraith and demanded to be taken to Kaz Brekker, immediately.

 

Clearly, Zoya had known enough to decide Inej would know exactly where he was. She wasn’t wrong. Inej was the Wraith, but perhaps equally as astounding an accomplishment, she was Kaz Brekker’s future wife. She quite liked that title.

 

            Nina had hidden in Inej’s captain quarters. Inej didn’t quite know why, but she suspected that Nina was not ready to return to service in the army, nor was she ready to face Zoya Nazyalensky, her old mentor, and now, Queen of Ravka. Inej had bought Nina time, insisting to Zoya they should head to the Crow Club straight away. The Queen had not asked after the Corpse Witch, though Inej suspected that she knew Nina was in Ketterdam. Nina had received a letter from the King, before returning to Kerch, after all.

 

            Inej had indeed known where to find Kaz, as he’d told her that morning of his plans to meet with Sturmhond.

 

Inej had not known that the pirate and the king were one and the same, until Zoya had muttered she was going to strangle her husband after having to waltz through the crowds of tourists in the dreary weather, all the way back to the Barrel. The shock had dissipated as quickly as a pigeon’s luck changed- it made sense. Nikolai had been here, himself, for the auction of Kuwei Yul Bo. He’d not entrusted a pirate with such delicate matters; he’d only trusted himself.

 

The Queen had cursed quietly to herself all the way to the Crow Club.

 

Inej might have rolled her eyes except she knew that the Queen was capable of pulling lightning into her hands, a marionette of electricity and static charged puppetry.

 

 Kuwei Yul Bo might have been lucky for the Squaller’s particular talent, but Inej’s heart was perfectly capable of beating on its own, thank you very much.

 

Nikolai was frowning at his empty tumbler, Zoya’s charged eyes grazing his profile. The pirate made to reach for the whiskey bottle but Kaz’s cane pushed it slowly out of reach. Devious, mera chaar.  Nikolai sighed, running a hand over the side of his auburn hair, a strand sticking straight up in the back. Inej considered telling the King, but then thought better of it. He seemed like a man with a sense of humor, at the very least.

 

“As much as I’d like to say you’re dim, mostly because insulting a king makes me feel all sorts of fuzzy feelings, you aren’t. You have the blueprints, the army, the wits. You have perceived and presumably accurate accounts of the security rotations, and a country behind you. You aren’t asking me to complete the job, so why pay the price of my services? You could plan an infiltration yourself, if you have all the information you claim? Why are you crawling down here with the rats, your majesties? What snake are you wanting me to behead for you? Hmm?” Kaz reclined, his gloved hands resting over his cane between his knees.

 

A stilted pause filled the room, Inej could feel Kaz bristling under his suit, her own neck felt flushed, anxiety cording down her tendons. Why were they here, and why did they need Kaz? If they had everything, why were they in Ketterdam? Better yet…

 

“What does the Ravkan monarchy crave from the bowels of a prison? What is the purpose, and perhaps more importantly, who is the purpose?” Inej voiced, folding her own hands onto the fine wood gaming table. Kaz made a hum under his breath, from the corner of her eye, she could see him admiring her. It made her heart thump, when he looked at her like that.

 

Like she was the most terrifying thing he’d encountered, and yet he’d like to chase after her. It was predatory in all the human ways, with a pinch of softness only she could read in his eyes.

 

            “That’s the question, isn’t it?” Kaz clicked his tongue, assessing the pair of rulers across from them.

 

            “It’s true we don’t seek you to help complete the job, Brekker.” Nikolai said carefully, his finger skimming the rim of his glass. Zoya flipped a luscious lock of hair over her shoulder, took a near silent huff of air.

 

            “We need to retrieve a fleet of our best from within, though it’s less a prison and more of a camp, so to speak. Two women, one man. At least, those are the only ones we know for certain still breathe. They were taken by the Shu for simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time. The camp is nestled off of the Pearl Coast, a rocky stretch of sea leads you there, to an island surrounded by natural rock formations.” Nikolai continued.

 

            Something didn’t settle quite right in Inej’s stomach, as if she’d taken on too much whiskey, when in reality she’d only taken a sip from Kaz’s glass. Something else was tugging on her consciousness, it’s claws raking against her very thoughts, yet remaining hidden in the voids of her mind.

 

            “The Shu aren’t Fjerdans. They don’t steal and murder Grisha in the name of their God.” Inej argued with a shake of her head, catching Zoya’s eyes. What the queen had told her on the way over was that they sought Kaz’s help for a mission, and when Inej had paused, the Queen had told her it was in line with Inej’s own mission. It had been what had fueled Inej to implore Kaz to hear them out, what had made her sit at this table and listen. She’d felt hope when the Queen’s eyes had begged, she’d wondered if Ravka had caught wind of Kane De Vries.

 

            Stupid hopes for a hopeful woman.

           

            “You’re right, they have never done this before. But what I can say for certain, is that the Shu have been planning to align with Fjerda in war against our country. They have more military than we can face, and they know it. The entirety of the world north of the Southern Colonies knows it. We are in Kerch for more than one reason.” Zoya shifted one leg over the other. Inej turned her eyes to Nikolai, he tried to smile for her. Inej appreciated the effort, but a bomb was about to drop. Fear was yelling beside her, it’s presence as forceful as Kaz’s own.

 

            “The Kerch finances. You want Kerch to side with Ravka, and fund your war.” Kaz concluded, leaving no room for denial. “Other countries are seeking to target Ravka, ever since it became clear that your… shadow summoner, left the country in disrepair under your father’s rule.”

 

            “Yes.” Nikolai’s lips tightened, as if he were no more than what he presented as. A twenty-five-year old man wearing a crown like a noose.

 

            “You’ll find no help from me in swaying the Merchant council. We had a falling out recently.” Kaz’s tone deepened, and Inej noticed his hand shift from his cane, finding her leg beneath the table, out of sight. Inej knew what the movement meant; Kaz was reassuring himself of her current state of alive, after the council had tried to hang her with the help of Pekka Rollins. Her hand landed on his, she squeezed tightly.

 

            Nikolai barked a laugh, his expression brightening, “Done something naughty, Brekker?”

 

            “I threatened their lifestyle, and I made a mockery of them in front of Ketterdam. Everything I usually do.” Kaz grinned a crooked thing, though it lacked any humor.

 

            “That didn’t answer my question.” Inej straightened impossibly further, glaring. She was not an impatient woman, but something wasn’t adding up. Something wasn’t revealed, yet. The wire was trembling, threatening a fall.

 

            “The Shu are taking crucial parts of our military from their station, using their own Grisha to combat them. Then, they are placing them in this camp. A camp guarded by their own Grisha forces.”

 

            “Are they torturing them? Killing them? Using them for target practice?” Kaz pestered, his impatience growing, too. Inej almost winced from his harsh words.

 

            “You really are a bastard, Brekker.” Zoya looked close to bringing down the chandelier above them with a bolt of lightning.

 

            “While I disagree with my avri’s methods of questioning, he’s not incorrect. What is happening to your people?” Inej tried gently. As ruthless as Zoya appeared, Inej had seen genuine pain flash in her eyes after Kaz’s words. Inej understood. Her people were Ravkan too, in some sense. The Queen clearly cared about her country, her people. That much was evident of Zoya Nazyalensky.

 

            “They are simply locked up, in enclosed glass cells set right into the rock caverns on the island. Their powers are rendered useless; they only breathe filtered air. They are separated, from what our one surviving spy was able to tell us. They are starving, dying. They aren’t even being treated as people, only plants in pretty pots.” Zoya said, her brown hands clenching into fists. Inej didn’t miss the way Nikolai’s fingers reached down to stop her from breaking the skin of her palms. Something like fondness washed over the Queen’s face before it hardened once more.

 

            “Why would they do that to them? Shu Han is a country like any other. There has to be someone who disagrees with this treatment. The government of Shu Han has never taken actions so similar to the Fjerdans in the past, as far as I know. In fact, they’ve spoken out against Fjerda’s mislead notions.” Inej pondered aloud.

 

            “The government isn’t running the camp. They outsourced a hired fleet to do their dirty work. The public doesn’t even know Shu Han has allied with Fjerda, yet. The citizens and lower rungs of the government have nothing to do with this. It’s the greed and grudge of the Shu Prime Minister that has fueled this attempt to make Ravka weaker. He’s had his eyes on our borders for years. We want to free every Grisha in that camp, every person, but we are looking for three of our military leaders, specifically. We need them in the war to come. We need all of them, in all truth. Alas, one spy out of the fifty we’ve had infiltrate Shu Han has returned. We don’t know for certain that any of them are alive, save for these three.”

 

            “My parents left things a little bit rocky for my reign.” Nikolai added, reaching for the whiskey again. Kaz let him have it.

 

            “You said on the way over here that this mission aligns with my own. While I grieve for you, and those imprisoned, I hunt slavers. The men and women who enslave innocent boys and girls. Of course we want to help,” Inej paused when she saw Kaz roll his eyes, her glare earned her a slight reddening of his ears as he swallowed. To anyone else, he looked sharp. To Inej, he looked guilty. That was enough of an apology for Inej. His hand squeezed her leg. “But I’m unclear as to what you meant by that, Moya Tsarita.”

 

            Zoya’s eyes skimmed over the room before landing on Inej’s own steady gaze.

 

            “The hired fleet, working for the Shu government, is property of a Slave trader.”

 

            Inej’s breath hitched, her heart spattering against her rib cage in violent strikes.

 

            “You said this business involved Captain Ghafa.” Kaz rasped to Nikolai, the king nodded solemnly.

 

            “After I sent my letter to you, regarding the information of the Serpent’s Head fleet, and how I suspected the Captain had been sailed to Kerch aboard one of their vessels, I had an urge to dig deeper. It was then that we discovered the same man had been hired by the Prime Minister of Shu Han. This is his camp, Captain Ghafa. Kane De Vries, camp. Serpent Head’s main post and safe haven. This is his prison and horde of indentured people, as well as the Grisha. It is not only our own people that are held within this island. Kane De Vries, has eluded you, I suspect. You’ve given him a hard time. You’ve sunk vessels. Cost him paydays in freed souls.  Yet, you’ve never been farther from him.” Nikolai said to Kaz and Inej, his voice imploring and husky.

 

            “Saints.” Inej breathed, her back slumping in her seat. Kane De Vries had not sailed back to Kerch. He’d left her the girl’s body as a ploy, to ensure she didn’t sail on. He’d sent her home, whilst he sailed back to his Island of death near Shu Han.

 

            Kane De Vries had made an escape, with who knew how many innocent souls, save for the ones Anika had been able to save from auction, still in the High-Wire. Inej had met them, this afternoon. Kids. One girl was nine. Nine. Kane had stopped briefly in Ketterdam, left Inej a ghostly message, then moved on as if she was no more than a prick in his finger.

 

            She’d show him that thorns could be more than dangerous, when shoved down one’s throat.

 

            “We have the same goal.” Inej choked.

 

            Kaz was staring at her, openly, watching her every breath. He did not utter a word as he reached out, pulled her hand into his on the table, not bothering to hide the intimacy of his eyes in front of the Ravkan monarchs.

 

            That was when it clicked.

 

            “You both can’t leave Ravka without a seat of power. One of you needs to return to the throne. Then the other will sail to Shu Han with Kaz’s plan.” Inej whispered as she tried desperately to swallow the acid crawling up her throat. She might be sick. Her eyes felt wet but she refused to allow those tears to fall. Refused to let Kane De Vries urge a single drop from her eyes. Not anymore. No. Not in front of these people, asking for help, and offering the same in return.

 

            “Yes.” Nikolai sighed, his green eyes uttering apologies he could not dare speak. Inej met his gaze, though she did not know what her eyes conveyed.

 

            Ice was creeping down Inej’s shoulders, her only piece of warmth radiating from the gloved finger rubbing over her knuckles, a hand clutching her palm. Her hand looked small in his. She never wanted to let go.

 

            “You need to make the plan perfect. Safe.” Nikolai turned his attention to Kaz.

 

            “Because you want my fiancé to sail your wife into hell.” Kaz growled under his breath. “You want me to plan an invasion, on your word alone.”

 

            Inej had already connected the dots, too. Nikolai would return to Ravka, he was not Grisha, Zoya was. She could protect herself with more ease against other practitioners of the small science. Not only that, but Inej suspected Nikolai was gifted with talking. It made sense for him to hold the reins of court, smoothing nervous feathers, whilst Zoya retrieved their people. Both were clearly rulers, fighters. Inej had heard many a story of the pirate Sturmhond.

 

            Zoya was not a sailor. Inej was. Nikolai was not practiced in heists. Kaz was.

 

            “You must understand, I know how to sail, I’m a squaller. Not well, though. I can bloat your ships sails and we will make excellent time, and I will go in and get out, along with several others. You will wait on the ship to sail us out as quick as possible through the rough seas.” Zoya began. Inej was first stunned that the queen admitted she was not gifted at everything, and then, she was furious. Her anger needed somewhere to go.

 

            “I will not stay on the ship. Kane De Vries will die. I will rescue as many people as I can. If you think you can bait me only with knowledge, you forget to whom you speak. I’ve spied for many years, knowledge is power. If you had any idea what this man has done… the entire scope of the lives he’s destroyed, if you had witnessed it firsthand, as I have, you would not hold me back. You cannot and will not.”

 

            “Oh good, we’ve come to a decision, then?” Kaz raged.

 

            “Kaz.” Inej said, soft and stern, turning her head to him. She was not angry with him. She was angry that Kane De Vries still breathed. She wanted to march to her ship now, and sail into the darkness on a mission for vengeance.

 

            “Listen.” Nikolai straightened, and then, Inej glimpsed a King. Even Kaz’s eyes shifted to the man. Zoya took a deep breath, her gaze landing on her husband, too.

 

            “I know what this means, for all of us in some way or another. It’s true, I have a fleet of sailors, and none of them would I have trusted so completely to carry my wife and our last dredges of hope for an advantage in the war to come. Captain Ghafa, I know you’re skilled. I’ve heard tales of you, and you’ve only been on the sea for two years. That’s a feat in and of itself. I know what your mission is, and I know without a doubt that you’ve never backed down against a challenge. I was there, the day of the auction. I don’t know you personally, but I see something I can relate to, in you. For years, I sailed these same waters as you. I wrought vengeance and kindness alike. We’re similar, you and I. I need a sailor like that. I need a person, like that.” Nikolai stated, his eyes never once wavering, his voice strong and dripping in regality.

 

            “The truth of the matter is, is now you are the only two people outside of my inner circle who know how dire our position is. It was no easy decision to sail to Kerch even if I plan to return swiftly to Ravka. I have many skills, and one of them, I’ve had to learn repeatedly. How to ask for help. Ravka needs your help, and I think you need mine. I urge you not to go into that camp alone, Captain Ghafa, but what we can promise you, is that once our people our out, Ravka will help you. With a fleet, and every man I can spare, to help you tear that island down to pebbles. Kane De Vries belongs to you.”

 

            “And in the meantime, while you fight your war with the few gifted against the masses of enslaved? More lives are lost, because they bore no magic in their blood?” Inej replied, her own voice darker than she’d intended.

 

            “No. I mean as soon as it’s done. Once I get home, I will send a fleet to rendezvous, on the Kerch Coast. You will lead them back to the Island, before Serpent’s Head can move. Before they are organized enough to retaliate.”

 

            “Men against Grisha, I appreciate your faith in my skill, but I am not able to stand a Shu guard of inferni.” Inej replied indignantly.

 

            “You will have Grisha with you.” Nikolai replied. Kaz leaned forward.

 

            “Nina Zenik, for one, I suspect. They have a mass grave on the island, for those who’ve not survived. I don’t need to explain the importance of that, I assume.”

 

            “And me. I need a quick excursion to ensure the safety of ours, but then, I will gladly destroy that camp with you, Inej Ghafa.” Zoya added, and for the first time, Inej saw a smile from the Queen. It was not mocking, but it was as wicked as it was soft.

 

 Nikolai nodded, as if resigned. He’d seen it coming. Inej’s eyes widened.

 

            “Ten days. I will have a plan for you, but we are not in agreeance until I’ve spoken with Inej. Privately. Give me what you have.” Kaz rasped.

 

            Inej thought she might vomit on a King and Queen. Courage reigned true, in the end.

 

            “We’ll do it.” Inej replied before her mind caught up to her mouth. Kaz released a heavy sigh. She’d gone directly against his previous words.

 

            “Should have seen that coming.” Kaz downed his entire drink, though Inej felt his fingers splay on her thigh. It was a fond motion, something sensual, too. Inej knew that Kaz’s eyes had dropped over her in the span of a second. Her cheeks felt warm under his appraisal. She knew he was worried, underneath his casual mask. He’d never let it show, here. She was worried, too.

 

            “Yes, you should have.” Nikolai smiled, tight, but genuine.

 

            “Now for my price.” Kaz’s lips slipped into a sharp slant, a crescent moon in the dim light.

 

            In a room painted crimson, Suli women and Broken Kings began to twine the fated strings of the modern world around their fingers. How far they’d fallen, held no weight on how high they could fly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One by one, the evil would bow. Inej had made that promise to herself, the day she became Captain Inej Ghafa.

 

Kane De Vries would know death, intimately, before he ever slipped into eternal blackness.

 

Notes:

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AHHHHH. That's all.

Chapter 120: On Every Finger, I Promise

Summary:

A step.

Notes:

CHAPTER 120!!!!

HI EVERYONE!!! Okay, so this was supposed to be up last night for a double upload day, but instead you get it today, because I needed to rework something. (it was worth it, I think) SO instead you get uploads two days in a row <33 I AM SO EXCITED. SO. SO. SO. SO. EXCITED. I hope you love it, I really do. <3

Thank you for being a little patient with me once again, but this one had to be right. It's the next step. I love you all dearly, and without limit. I cannot tell you how happy I am to be back, and to take you to the end.

PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK. I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU ARE AS EXCITED AS I AM. I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR 500K WORDS FOR SAINTS SAKE. <333 (I appreciate every single word you guys take the time to leave for me, and I hope to be caught up on my comments soon, I just want you to know that.)

"Not Yet" By Brett Young (I had to slip in a country song for this one, listen toward the end. <3 )

INEJ

 

            Inej had excused herself from the private parlor of the Crow Club, just as Kaz and Nikolai had begun arguing over some document. It was from the envelope of information Zoya had pulled out to give Kaz, regarding the infiltration of Torunai Shimi.

 

The Island of the insignificant, roughly translated into Shu. Kane had named it himself. Disgusting.

 

            Inej felt sick, deep down in her core. How many women and children had been carried to this fortress of slavery? How many wives, mothers, husbands, had been left mourning in their wake?

 

In the past bell, she and Kaz had learned that the island had been inscribed on no modern map, and was for all intents and purposes, a secret prison. It had been designed only by nature’s strong and unforgiving hands. It was a sailing job for a seasoned sailor. Inej could not consider herself that, as of yet.

 

            Inej had never been more grateful for Specht’s counsel for the journey ahead. She’d lean on him, heavily. If she did not, her ship could be beached against the rocks. Only those who knew the path could sail to the island, and thankfully, Sturmhond seemed to know. The King of Ravka. He was a seasoned sailor. He’d expressed his wish to do it himself, but Inej understood why he could not. Still, he had faith in Inej that she wished she could summon, now.

 

            How was Kaz going to plan this job? How was she going to complete it? She didn’t know. All she knew was that she had to do it. There was no other option. Her heart of freedom longed to bleed, to every person she could save. The grisha of Ravka, the innocents.

 

Inej could do this. She would do this; for every person who had ever been touched by the blackened hands of oppression.

 

            The air was cold and the sky black and deep. Inej could see her breath puffing in front of her as she leaned against the bricks of the alleyway behind the Crow Club. She’d needed fresh air, more than anything else. There was no such thing in truth within Ketterdam, but still she welcomed the flush to her cheeks, the drink of cold in her lungs.

 

            There were just too many strings tugging her in every direction. North and south, heart and mind. Opposites.

 

Inej had wanted to eradicate Kane on the sea, and instead, he’d played her for a fool. This man was more than just a powerful Slave trader, he was a war criminal in his own right. Against Ravka, against Shu Han, even. The people of the nation had no idea how far their government had fallen. They had no idea what could be waiting for them, on the other side of a smoke shrouded curtain of political greed. On the other side of a looming war.

 

            She’d wanted to return to Ketterdam with a month to recover from their short voyage, before returning to her hunt on the seas. She’d wanted to write her parents, tell them of her engagement, finally. She’d wanted to hug Jesper tighter than she ever had and indulge in waffles up to her ears with Nina. She’d wanted to listen to Wylan play the piano, again.

 

            She’d wanted to see Khalid and Rahul again, before she could put them on a ship back to Ravka, or sail them home herself. She needed to send for them. Mostly, Inej could do with a bear hug from her childhood best friend; to hear Khalid tell her it was going to be alright. To hear his voice in the way she’d always yearned for when she had been in the depths of the Menagerie.

 

            More than anything else, Inej needed Kaz’s harsh strength to lean into, her avri’s lips to soothe away the darkness threatening to crawl up her throat and unleash itself unto the world. Kaz could tame her serpents of murk and blackness into order, coil them tight in his hands until she was ready to face the light once more.

 

            A shiver swept over Inej’s shoulders as she squeezed her eyes shut, never once allowing those bitter tears to fall. She couldn’t, now. She needed her mind to remain steady, her heart to ease enough for clear vision. She should have grabbed her jacket. She’d left it on her ship, before leaving with the Queen.

 

Kaz had looked at her when she’d left the parlor, but she’d avoided his gaze with an “excuse me”. It wasn’t because she hadn’t wanted him to see her eyes, it was simply because she’d known he was focused on the task at hand. She hadn’t wanted him to worry, now.

 

            “You look freezing.” The back door of the Club banged shut, revealing Anika. The woman’s green eyes glanced to the black sky in the dim copper light afforded from the lone lantern marking the door.

 

            “Here.” Anika shrugged out of her leather coat, offering it to Inej as she leaned beside her.

 

            “Won’t you also be cold? What’s the point of the experiment?” Inej chuckled through jittering teeth, yet not ready to leave the freedom of the sky above her.

 

            “Nah, I just beat a tourist to hell when he tried to grab my ass. I’m sweating and needed air, too.” Anika laughed, her pale Kerch skin was flushed, Inej observed.

 

            “Did you kick him out? Do you need me to chase him? Terrify him?” Inej laughed as she slipped on the borrowed coat. Inej had never borrowed something from Anika, and the garment drowned Inej’s arms, but it was warm.

 

            “Nope,” Anika popped her lips. “He’s too afraid of blondes to every try that again, now.” Anika’s lips slanted wickedly. Inej nodded silently with a smile, suddenly grateful for the companionship, no matter how strange. She’d always wanted to be… comrades, friends, anything, with Anika in the Dregs. Now, it seemed that they’d somehow fallen into that comradery, without permission from either of them. Maybe it had changed last year, when Anika had first learned of hers and Kaz’s relationship. She didn’t know, but she was grateful.

 

            Inej pulled up the sleeves of the jacket to reveal her hands, tightening the leather around herself against the wind.

 

            “That’s beautiful.” Anika’s eyes glanced to Inej’s left hand. Her engagement ring. Anika hadn’t been told, yet. Inej couldn’t help the sudden and all-consuming grin that unfolded on her mouth.

 

            “He asked just before we left for the sea.” Inej wiggled her fingers as the gem shifted with the light.

 

            Anika barked a laugh as Inej giggled, too.

 

            “Never thought Kaz Brekker would get married.” Anika chuckled. Inej realized Anika’s laughs were rare, too. Much like Kaz’s. She liked the sound, all bubbly and girly, a contrast of the girl’s rough appearance, the shaved side of her head.

 

            Anika was like those storms that crashed during sunny days, all rain drops gilded gold. A dichotomy. An interesting opposition of nature against decision.

 

            “To be honest, I never did, either. She changed my mind.” A rasp of stone caught both girls off guard, the door shutting once more to reveal the man in question.

 

            “Congratulations, Boss.” Anika straightened slightly, but Inej caught her eyes. They both fell into laughter once more, earning a heavy eye roll from Kaz. Though Inej noted his lips giving way to a small smirk.

 

            Anika began to make her way to the door, clearly sensing Kaz’s intent to speak with Inej.

 

            “Wait! Your coat!” Inej called, beginning to shift out of the jacket.

 

            “Drop it by my room at the Wire later, keep it so you don’t go blue.” Anika smiled over her shoulder.

 

            “I doubt leather suits me!” Inej laughed.

 

            “Better than you’d think.” Kaz muttered under his breath, Anika laughed as the door shut behind her once more. She’d clearly heard his comment, and if Inej’s cheeks weren’t already flushed with cold, she might have blushed.

 

            “Really?” Inej huffed as she kicked out an ankle to bump Kaz’s good leg gently.

 

            “Really.” Kaz answered, his eyes tracking over her face, all of the humor gone from his eyes and replaced by something decidedly serious.

 

            “Are they waiting on us?” Inej finally dropped her eyes, falling head over heels back into the reality of their life, currently.

 

            “No. We’re done for tonight. Nikolai sails back to Ravka tomorrow afternoon.” Kaz replied, his gaze landing on a slightly jutted brick a few paces away from them. Inej knew, behind that brick, was twenty thousand kruge. Kaz’s “last resort” stash. The first stash he’d ever had, before he’d even owned the Crow Club. He’d told her to take it, once. Told her to leave the city, that night in the Geldrenner, those years ago. She’d never taken it. Never would have left their friends. Never would have left him.

 

            “What is it?” Inej asked softly as he turned his head back to her.

 

            “Do you want to do this job, Inej?” Kaz asked, the burr of his voice warm against the cold. Inej took a step closer, trying to pull her icy hands back into Anika’s coat sleeves. Instead, Kaz leaned his cane against the bricks and reached out, pulling both of her hands between his and rubbing warmth back into her skin. He lifted them to his mouth to blow warm air between her cold palms.

 

            Something fumbled in her chest, clumsy and giddy. His eyes closed as he held her hands close to his face, the warmth of his breath locked between her fingers. He waited for her answer, patiently. Something he’d never have been able to do, once. She already knew her answer.

 

            “It’s not about what I want, mera chaar. But this is one of the planks in the bridge, leading me that direction.” Inej whispered earnestly, her eyes imploring his to open, so she could read him, see him. He swallowed, a slight nod of his head following. He did not let go of her hands.

 

            “A proverb.” Kaz whispered, his words tickling her hands. Inej could only smile despite that he could not see it.

 

            “This… this is what I have to do, Kaz. It’s… it’s in me. It’s everything I think I was meant to do, for people. For people like me, like you. We have the chance to change more lives than I ever dreamed of, in an entire career on the sea. We were lucky, Kaz, you and I.” Inej said softly, his eyes finally opening to her.

 

            “Lucky?”

 

            “Yes. We’re lucky we survived. Let us make it so others don’t have to just survive. Let us make it so they can live, from the beginning, instead of starting in the middle.”

 

            Kaz’s eyes shimmered with flecks of gold in the lantern light, his expression revealing that he’d already known how she felt. She loved him for it. She loved him for asking, anyways. They were always equals. It’s what Etma Se Saman meant. Kaz had never stopped living those words, that vow.

 

            Inej gently slipped her hands from his, stepping up on her tiptoes.

 

            “You haven’t kissed me yet today.” Inej gave him enough time to move away before her arms snaked around his neck. She felt him tense for only a second, mostly, she presumed from their position outdoors. She felt him relax, his own arms curling under the leather jacket, her waist ensnared.

 

            “I’m terribly sorry, Wraith.” His lips touched her ear, her whole body shook in a shiver.

 

            “Fix it.” Inej whispered.

 

            “Patience, mera nadra.”

 

            “No.” Inej smiled as his forehead dipped to hers, her feet finally settling back on the ground. She moved to kiss him, but then her back was against the bricks, his arms leaving her. How had he even done that? Infuriating magic man.

 

            “I’m about to start pouting. It’s been a stressful day.” Inej chuckled softly as his brows rose. She did feel like pouting when he pulled away entirely, straightening again. The serious look had returned, even as his gloved fingers cupped her cheek.

 

            “Kaz?” Inej asked with a hint of worry. His eyes glanced to hers before following her jawline, the slope of her nose. His fingers found her pulse in her neck. His breath hitched before he spoke.

 

            “I won’t be with you, out there.” He whispered.

 

            “You aren’t with me on my voyages, Kaz. You have to know I’ll fight as hard as I always have.”

 

            “That’s not a promise to live. That’s what I want, and I know you cannot give it. Not for this. All I can do is make a plan for a job, in yet another place I’ve never laid eyes on, and make sure there is no flaw.” His voice dipped, almost cracked. Inej saw glass in the corner of his eyes. He was terrified. She’d not even been able to tell in the room of rulers. He hid it from even her, until now.

 

Her heart broke, mended, and fractured again.

 

“I won’t be there to improvise, if something goes wrong. Nina will be out there, too.” Kaz whispered. Inej saw his genuine concern for Nina, too. He did not shield an ounce of his emotions from her in that damp and cramped alleyway. Something else he’d never have done, before the Ice Court. Before the past two years.

 

“I made them a promise, Kaz. I’m staying on the ship while Zoya infiltrates.” Inej tried, but his head was already shaking.

 

“I’m planning your return invasion to the Island, too. Nikolai is going to have a number representing the men he’ll be able to send in your aid for me, in the morning. You’ll be going after Kane, and I’ll… I’ll be here.” Kaz muttered. Inej knew he’d go with her, if she asked. He could not. Kaz had been away from the Barrel too much, if this voyage had been a matter of a week or two, it may have been different. This would not be such a short trip, Inej knew.

 

“Kaz Elias Rietveld.” Inej said strongly, but kept her voice low enough that not even the shadows could have surmised her words. “I would trust no one else with my life, with my crew’s lives, outside of you. Your plan will work. If it does not, I will improvise. Need I remind you whose idea the tank was in Fjerda? Mine. Not Jesper’s.”

 

His nod was slow to come, his gaze clutching hers like a lifeline. It reminded her of a time now passed; when every look could spell danger, every touch a catastrophe.

 

In the next moment, his head had dipped, his lips soft and gentle against hers. Her very bones responded to his nearness, her every pore crying out for him. It was a kiss as potent as their first, and every one since.

 

When he pulled back, his mouth began to curve, a sliver of a smile as his tongue wet his lips.

 

“You’re right. That should have been the first thing I did this morning.”

 

Inej was smiling as she reached for his lapels, forgetting every string pulling her, for one more second. This kiss was more. More fire, more need. More. More. More.

 

Her back pressed firmly into the cool bricks once more, their shadows illuminated in ghostly lines across the alley. Kaz’s hands were trailing over her hips, his tongue scorching her lips in teasing flickers.

 

His body shrouding her in darkness felt like shelter instead of confinement. It was a glorious revelation. He was warm, his scent heady. He’d worn cologne. She could smell it on his shirt, his neck. She wanted to breathe him in forever.

 

When he pulled his lips from hers, she nearly whimpered.

 

“You said whenever I wanted.” Kaz tilted her chin up to face him with a gloved finger, a smile tugging on his kiss flushed lips. Her back still pressed into the bricks, her mind couldn’t assemble from the puddle he’d made of it. She could not focus.

 

“Whenever for what?” She asked, her voice barely a whisper as her eyes locked on that stupid smug smirk.

 

“We’d go whenever I wanted.” He whispered, something cagey and scared rippled across his dark irises. He took a deep breath; heavy, husky. “I choose tomorrow.”

 

“Go where?” Inej tilted her head, confused.

 

“Lij.” Kaz breathed.

 

The world spun as his words knocked into her chest. Her breathing ceased as he watched her, assessed her.

 

“I can’t make this plan perfect here. With Fjerda, I wasn’t in the same position I am now, I can’t put all of my energy on the plan, here. I need… I need quiet. I need to… I need you to go with me, Inej. I have to get this right. For you. For… me. This scheme has to be perfect. The King and Queen and I agreed, I’ll take fourteen days to plan it. Two weeks.” Kaz continued, his tone shifting from confident to something she’d never quite heard in its full force: sheer pleading.

 

“Kaz…” Inej whispered. Could it be possible, that he chose the best time? Or was it the worst?

 

“Inej, please.” Kaz’s hand dropped from her waist to cup her cheek once more. Kaz was saying please. She knew he meant every word, because of that single utterance.

 

“I don’t want you to return there because you want to show it to me before I die. It’s not going to happen, Kaz.” Inej answered, she was sure that had been the image his mind had conjured. It had to be.

 

“That’s not why. I decided I wanted to face it when I crawled out of the water on the True Sea, Inej. Before any of this. I’m asking you to do it because I don’t know that I can get this plan right, here. I need to do this. I have to do this.” Kaz’s voice became stronger with each word, and Inej knew it to be truth. Lij was much closer than Ravka, an eight-hour journey with the help of the modern rail system.

 

Inej had never known Kaz to be this honest, never seen every one of his walls tumble down so quickly.

 

“You promise?” Inej whispered, his eyes darted back to hers instantly.

 

“I promise on every finger, Inej.”

 

“What?” Inej chuckled, the sound not willing to be contained if she wished it so. What a strange term.

 

“My brother and I made our most serious promises that way.” Kaz’s face remained serious, but amusement drenched his irises.

 

“And what about toes?” Inej quipped.

 

“No that’s far too serious a vow, I’ll save that for our wedding.” He laughed, pure and muffled as his forehead touched hers once again.

 

“Jesper and Wylan will be able to return home, we’ll send word for Khalid, Rahul, and Marya to return from the Van Eck country house so they will be here when we return, before… before you depart. Anika is going to actually kill me for leaving her in charge again, but I’ll ask for a Nina Zenik brand insurance policy so I can at least be a trophy husband for you.”

 

Inej was red faced in giggles as he grinned, all Rietveld. It was fitting. It was perfect, despite the grime of the world around them.  

 

“Okay.” Inej answered breathlessly, finally gulping enough air.

 

“Okay?” Kaz asked, his lips only an inch from her own. His breath smelled slightly of whiskey, she smiled. He’d only drunk a couple fingers worth, her avri had asked this of her, sober.

 

How could she deny him this, when he’d communicated to her? Told her what he needed? She couldn’t. No part of her wanted to deny him.

 

“Yes, Kaz.” Inej kissed him softly, her words muffled and a deep rumble of laughter nestled against her lips.

 

She heard his “I love you” as he caught his breath. Her chest tightened in happiness rather than the fear of a dreary day.

 

“Shall we go check on Jesper?” Kaz asked as he pulled away.

 

“Yes, then you made me a promise. We are not leaving this city without unpacking a box or two, or so help me Kaz Brekker, I will burn down the licorice confectionary on West Stave.”

 

“Stop threatening me, Wraith. I like it too much.” He offered her his arm, cane already in hand. She rolled her eyes as they began their walk down the cobbled streets back to the High-Wire.

 

“Of course you do.” She laughed.

 

Inej knew there were a hundred more things they’d need to figure out, but her mind had turned to brighter horizons. She’d never ridden on a train before. They’d take one to get closer to Lij. Would it feel like flying?

 

She felt like a girl again, planning a future that a criminal had stolen for her. She loved him for it.

 

Lij. Lij. Lij. Kaz Rietveld.

 

 

 

As they passed fifth harbor, Inej paused, looking out toward the water. Kaz tilted his head before looking out with her. Her gaze collided with his, then.

 

To any others, Dirtyhands was as sharp as ever, to Inej, she saw another side of the same man. She swore she saw fields of green, in the earthly brown of his gaze. Spring had arrived for a boy long forgotten under the ice of winter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They turned away in silence, words were not needed. Inej sent the words of heart out on the tide.

 

Come with us, Jordie. Your brother is going home, again.

Notes:

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AHHHHHHHHHH. WE ARE GOING. WE ARE GOING. I CAN'T CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT.

Chapter 121: It's Yours

Summary:

A journey to somewhere familiar yet brand new, begins.

Notes:

Chapter 121!!!!!!!!!

Hi everyone!!! Guys. I'm so thrilled to be here, posting this chapter, and sharing it all with you. When I say I've waited 500k words, I mean it. I am going to write my soul into these pages, because they mean that much. This is only the beginning of something new. I hope you love it, and I hope you feel it, as we rumble over railroad tracks of the past. <3

Thank you for being here, 500k words later. We did it. We crossed the milestone. I'm crying, because they deserved it. Kaz and Inej deserved this brevity, and it has been an honor to write it. I can't wait to take you to the end. <3 I love you guys and can't thank you enough. Sincerely, I will never be over the support I've received on this story. Your kindness has given an arrow aim, and for that, I'm in your debt until my proverbial bow snaps.

PLEASeeeeee *whines in author* tell me what you think. What are you excited for? Are you ready? Strap in. Seriously, I'd love to hear from you guys. I'm going to try and respond to everyone in the comments on this one as soon as I get them in, and I can't wait. I want to chat with you guys. <3

"She's Got This Thing About Her" by Chris Young (yes, another country song. Sue me, it's a vibe, okay? Listen in Kaz's last perspective.)

KAZ

 

            “So, you are telling me, we just got back, and now you’re already onto the next job?” Jesper crossed one tangerine clad leg over the other in the Van Eck sitting room. Wylan and Jesper had only returned to their home this afternoon, after hiring on extra security detail for the premises, of Inej’s choosing. Inej had insisted, and Kaz had not argued. They would be gone for the next week at the least, and Wylan and Jesper’s safety in Ketterdam was… it was crucial. An old version of Kaz would have laughed at the notion of another proverbial net. Though, Kaz Brekker always learned lessons.

 

Kane’s men had once targeted the Van Eck property in search of Inej, the year prior. That had been before they’d even learned Kane’s name, when they’d only known Charles Hester. Kane could easily strike at any time, and they knew it.

 

            So much had changed, and yet, they could take no chances.

 

            “Not only that, but I’ve only nearly cheated death, and now there’s armed guards on the doors that I could out shoot even blind, drunk, and bleeding?” Jesper continued, his silver eyes wide and disbelieving.

 

            “About sums it up, Jes. They’re there for you both, true, but also for Marya, Khalid and Rahul. They’ll be returning at the end of the week, Inej sent word this morning.” Kaz nodded.

 

            They’d not told Wylan and Jesper about their upcoming absence last night when they’d visited them in the borrowed apartment at the High-Wire, but now, he and Inej were leaving Ketterdam in less than four bells.

 

Kaz was still trying to decide if he’d made the most idiotic decision of his entire existence. It remained to be seen. He could not think of where he’d be, tonight. He couldn’t. Not yet. He was still in Ketterdam, and only Ketterdam brand thoughts were welcome, now.

 

 Inej had hugged Jesper for half a bell the night prior, and today, she’d chosen to let Kaz deliver the news of their departure. Kaz had nearly hugged Jesper for a second time. Almost. He’d been proud to see Jesper up and standing, and no longer bleeding internally, thanks to the work of Arman. Kaz had left a hefty bonus, in the form of cold hard kruge, in the healer’s apartment. Jesper was worth a million times the small sum, but Kaz had nothing else to give. He would have given his life for his brother, and if Jesper knew it, Kaz couldn’t be bothered to care anymore.

 

 Kaz had not disclosed the information regarding Inej’s voyage in two weeks’ time with the Queen of Ravka. The less Jesper and Wylan knew now, the better.

 

            The less anyone knew now, the better.

 

            “You said you need to plan this mystery job, and not that I’m keen on joining, just saying, it seems strange you’d wish to leave Ketterdam once again so soon.” Wylan edged into the conversation, adjusting the sleeves of his emerald button-down. Kaz eyed a dust mote in the light from the window, steadying his breath for the hundredth time this morning.

 

            He’d not slept. Inej didn’t know that. Instead, he’d snuck out of their apartment at three-bells in the morning, just to return to his office and run all of the numbers for the Crow Club, catching up on everything he possibly could, to distract his mind. To leave less for Jesper, for Anika.

 

            “This scheme is perhaps bigger than the Ice Court.” Kaz replied steadily, flattening his tie.

 

            Wylan’s eyes doubled in size, it was perhaps the only comedy Kaz would witness this day. He’d carry it around with him, that expression of Wylan Van Eck. Perhaps he’d think of it whenever he did something atrocious.

 

            “Holy shit.” Jesper breathed.

 

            “I’m agnostic.” Kaz quipped.

 

            “Ghezen.” Wylan collapsed onto the sofa next to Jesper, across from Kaz.

 

            “You aren’t even going to tell us why this is so important? Where are you going, if you’re just planning for the job, not even running it?”

 

            “A breath of fresh air, with Inej. We’re planning this job, and then…” Kaz swallowed thickly, forcing his rasp to come even. “Then Inej is running the job. All I can tell you now is that Kane De Vries will be dead before the winter solstice.” Kaz held Jesper’s eyes, willed the truth of his answer to convey through his irises.

 

            “A breath of fresh air.” Jesper repeated, the words working through his mind, as visible as gears spinning in machinery.

 

            “In the South.” Kaz confirmed.

 

            “I see.” Jesper nodded slowly. Wylan was flicking his gaze between them, confused.

 

            “You said Inej is running the job, but not you.” Wylan finally gave up on trying to interpret the vague confirmation between Kaz and Jesper. Jesper knew of Lij. Kaz had told him everything, on the ship. Kaz had intended for one person to know where he and Inej were, and only one. It was good business, Kaz reassured himself. He couldn’t take it back, now. Kaz had already written the address down, had already slipped it into Jesper’s coat pocket when he’d opened the door, unbeknownst to the Zemini shooter. He’d find it later.

 

One person in Ketterdam had to know where he and Inej were, in case of absolute emergency.

 

            He would have the courage to share his truth with Wylan and Nina, someday. Kaz wanted to, even if some part of him still had the urge to vomit the four cups of coffee he’d drunk this morning. Today was not the day for that tragedy.

 

            “Where is Inej, why didn’t she come to say goodbye?” Jesper added.

 

            “First, I said what I said, Wylan. Do you understand why this plan can have no flaw, now? Inej’s safety. I will plan it with her, away from here. That’s all I’m going to disclose. Second, Inej is speaking to Nina, who is staying here, but I presume has not made her way back from the Wraith.”

 

            “Ghezen, I love that we have a house that anyone can stay in.” Jesper chuckled softly, those his eyes hinted to a million more questions. Kaz saw him spinning his engagement ring around his finger. Wylan had been brilliant in its design, the metal was designed to spin, while the band stayed in place. A wheel of metal hidden in a solid frame. Jesper could fidget forever.

 

            Kaz wondered dimly how long it would take for Wylan to get annoyed with the sound or if that was only him.

 

            “So, you’re leaving poor Anika in charge?” Jesper changed the subject with a sigh. Wylan groaned as he fell back against the couch cushions and tossing an arm over his eyes, mumbling something like “what the hell is going on” under his breath. Kaz recognized the resignation in both of their expressions, they knew he was not going to offer more information than necessary.

 

            “She took it in stride.” Kaz shrugged.

 

            That had not exactly been true, but Anika had understood. Kaz had given Anika a similar rendition of the events to take place, though she was under the impression that he would only be holing himself up in the country to scheme, nowhere special. She was also surprisingly motivated by Inej’s cause, by the promised ending of Kane De Vries. Though, she knew nothing of the intended voyage, only that Kane would be removed from the picture. Kaz wondered if her hand in saving those few people had changed something in his lieutenant.

 

He couldn’t bother to be disturbed by it. His own morals had grown an inch above his grave’s soil, too, because of Inej.

 

Not only that, but initially, he should have still been on the sea at this point, anyhow. In reality, Anika had been prepared to lead the Dregs for the next five days, anyhow.

 

            “So you’ll be back within the next two weeks.” Jesper stated, Kaz nodded tersely.

 

            “What do we tell Khalid and Rahul when they return to no Inej?” Wylan asked, his voice still muffled by his arm.

 

            “Do what you do best, Merch.”

 

            “What is that?” Wylan peeked a squinted blue eye out at Kaz.

 

            “Bullshit.” Kaz grinned crookedly.

 

 

 

INEJ

 

            “Sturmhond!” Inej shouted as she trotted down the docks, toward a ship bearing the Ravkan double eagle. The man, king, in question, was currently munching on an apple as he meandered up his gangplank. He turned his auburn head to face Inej in the murky morning light.

 

            “Captain!” He yelled cheerfully, just as Inej halted at the bottom of the plank. Inej designed her lips into a smile, though it wasn’t hard. Despite the relative chaos the Saints had hurled Inej’s way, she could not be anything but pleased with this day’s direction. Lij. Not to mention the King had something easy about him, something like Jesper and Nina. He was open, somehow, despite the invisible golden crown on his head.

 

            “Sturmhond,” Inej resisted the urge to greet him as her King, she’d been born and raised in Ravka, despite how the previous monarchy had treated with her people. Some parts of her youth had clearly not fettered out.

 

            “What do I owe the pleasure? Come to see me off? Please tell me you’ve kept Kaz Brekker away from my quarters on this vessel, I fear he could peel the gold off the molding with his thieving will power.” The king laughed, leaning a hip against the rail of his ship.

 

            “I do not keep him at all times, believe it or not. Though, I’m almost certain he’s not stolen from you, this time.” Inej grinned easily. The laugh of the king was melodic, reminding her of birds in forest clearings, with a harshness of wild predators. Somehow, it was still a kind sort of noise.

 

            “I came because… because I wanted to give my belated gratitude.” Inej rolled her shoulders back, her left hand pressed to her chest, the Suli symbol of profound thanks.

 

            “What for?” Nikolai’s eyebrows rose to his hairline.

 

            “I know my fiancé cashed in his favor to you two years ago, but you followed through. You found my family, when it may have taken me years to locate them without your resources. You and Kaz both brought them back to me, and for that, I can only express hope. Hope for a better Ravka, for all, in yours and your wife’s hands. You did something your father wouldn’t have, if I may speak so boldly.” Inej pitched her voice low enough that no passerby would over hear her words, not even the gulls currently arguing over a piece of Nikolai’s apple that had fallen to the ground.

 

            “My father’s a prick.” Nikolai muttered, but his green eyes shown bright and true. Inej wondered what color his eyes truly were, if not this shade of cerulean and bottle.

 

            “We are not our fathers.” Inej spoke words that she’d once shared with another man, from another time. Wylan Van Eck had taken over a broken empire of sorts, too.

 

            Nikolai nodded idly, his eyes turning distant as he flicked his gaze up to a flock of birds squawking in the sky above the harbor. The soft lap of waves against his berthed ship calmed Inej’s thoughts, too.

 

            “Your ring, it’s alexandrite, am I right?” Nikolai asked softly when his eyes once again met her own. Inej smiled as she nodded, twisting her engagement ring once around her finger.

 

            “They’re rare, those stones. I always thought they were magic with their color shifting quality. My mother had a crown inlaid with one similar to your own gem. I used to parade around with it on my head whenever I could get my hands on it, I was a boy who had no care if it was meant for princesses instead of princes.” Nikolai laughed, running a hand through the hair on the side of his head, shoving his knife into his pocket and chucking the rind of his apple into an empty crate.

 

            “I’d never seen one before Kaz gave it to me.” Inej said simply, her own heart pumping an off kilter beat in time with the memory.

 

            “You know, once I proposed to a woman with an emerald so large it may as well have been a robin’s egg. She said no.” Nikolai smirked, something fond lining his features.

 

            “No?” Inej gaped, she didn’t think he spoke of Zoya, though, perhaps the queen had said no, once. She was made of strong metal, that one.Inej recognized a woman of her own spirit.

 

            “Yep. I’ve never been more grateful, it led me to my wife, that rejection. It had not been a love match, only a friendship. We’re still good friends, to this day, my rejecter and I.”

 

            “The heart is an arrow that demands aim to land true. A Suli proverb. The Saints sometimes nudge us, though.” Inej smiled, the kiss of harbor breeze on her cheeks refreshing.

 

            “Perhaps the truest thing I’ve heard, Captain. That girl found her aim, and I found mine.” Nikolai’s eyes drifted down the docks, to a mass of black hair and a blue kefta, a queen barking orders. Inej knew Zoya would not remain in Ketterdam to await their voyage to the Shu coast, instead, she’d sail Nikolai home and promptly turn around in Os Kervo, exactly two weeks of sailing time. The Pirate King smiled.

 

            “Ruling for you, and what of her aim?” Inej asked, despite that she knew it was perhaps none of her business, she couldn’t help being curious about a woman who’d turned down a royal.

 

            “My friend? She runs an orphanage.” Nikolai smiled.

 

            An itch tickled Inej’s mind, a memory from her trip to Ravka with Kaz. There was more than one orphanage in Ravka, but still, Inej smiled. She remembered the ethereal woman in the Chapel of Sankta Alina, her soft smile and sun-snatching skin.

 

            “A path that requires a light heart.” Inej said softly.

 

            Nikolai’s eyes widened, his expression smoothing as fast as a bird’s feathers flattening.

 

            “Light indeed.” He chuckled softly, a private joke Inej couldn’t follow. “Until we meet again, Captain Ghafa. Bring my wife home, and bring yourself home, too.” Nikolai said, turning towards his ship once more, his boots clicking against the boards.

 

            “No mourners.” Inej answered in the only way she knew how.

 

            To her surprise, he called after her.

 

            “No funerals.”

 

            Kaz would never know how far his influence reigned. Inej found herself moving lighter than she had in weeks, as she made her way to the rooftops of Ketterdam, knowing that today, she’d kiss her own King senseless, only because she could.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            Rain drops smoothed over the carriage window in the afternoon light, Inej had scarcely ridden in carriages but found herself perfectly at ease as she listened to the clop of horseshoes smacking the cobblestones on the road leading away from Ketterdam. It was no different a sensation than the caravans, save perhaps smoother on the cobbled path. She’d been on this street a few times, for several jobs outside of city limits during her time in the Dregs; and once when she’d hunted Pekka Rollins down in his home. To scare the bastard, to enact her own brand of vengeance for the boy she’d fallen in love with.

 

            The boy who had turned into the man sitting across her, wearing a crisp suit, a straight tie, and furrowed brows as he read over a stack of documents Nikolai had handed him this morning. Inej nearly reached across the coach to smooth the lines from his brows, but refrained. He’d not spoken since they’d gotten in the nondescript coach to carry them three hours away from Ketterdam to the nearest train station. He’d hardly spoken the night before, either, since they’d left that alleyway behind the Crow Club. Instead, he’d helped her unpack some of their boxes at the Wire in easy silence. He’d only eaten when she’d pushed him to do so. She had a hunch he’d slipped from their bed once she’d fallen asleep, too. The purple under his eyes was evident enough on his pale skin, his own face betraying his personal exertion. His burden.

 

Inej could feel her avri’s unease, like a second pulse beneath her skin, but she knew he was doing his best. Kaz was leaving Ketterdam again, and now, he was facing more than he ever had. Lij. Not to mention the job he was to plan.

 

It was not as if Inej didn’t have that stone in her own pocket, a black pebble of fear, the constant weight a reminder of her arrow’s aim; but she had taken that pebble and stuck it in her proverbial shoe. It was annoying, but she would pay it no mind until she’d walked the length of this path.

 

Saints grant him peace, let me give him strength, the way he did for me in Aska Vasman.

 

Inej turned her eyes back to the quickly fading roofs of Ketterdam, the farther they moved from the city, the more trees she could count. They were not yet in open space, but the homes here were spaced irregularly, occasional lawns and gardens. She thought she spied a wishing well in one patch of grass. It was nothing new, and yet Inej looked onto this scene with curious eyes. Inej had no idea what Kaz’s childhood village was like, could not imagine fields. The country side of Ravka had always had crops, but there had been the ever present view of pines in every direction, surrounding even most clearings, lining the well-trodden Suli trails. Inej didn’t know if she had ever seen wheat fields, or rolling hills.

 

Her mind detoured, turned bleakly to the hurt Nina had displayed when Inej had told her of their departure, how her friend had learned of the job she was intended to join not from Inej, but from Zoya. The Queen had beaten Inej to Nina on the Wraith, and the Corpse Witch’s eyes had turned murky and stormy when Inej had told her that she and Kaz would plan the job alone. Nina had not been thrilled when Inej hadn’t disclosed her and Kaz’s destination, either. Nina had cursed when Inej had asked her to keep the details of the future voyage to herself, even from Jesper and Wylan, for now. Inej knew Zoya had relayed the same sentiment, in the form of a direct order.

 

Inej tried repeatedly to reassure herself it was for the safety of everyone they cared for, now. If Kane landed in Ketterdam unexpectedly, the less information circulating, the safer it was. They also could not afford for Kane to learn that the Ravkan crown knew of his isle of slavery, nor that Inej was also privy to the knowledge.

 

“I left Nina an apology note in her room at the Van Eck Mansion.” Inej said softly, her throat scratchy after the quiet.

 

“For what?” Kaz said absently, his eyes never leaving the document in his hand. Inej sighed as she positioned her legs beneath herself on the bench, kicking off her boots.Might as well travel comfortably.

 

“For leaving abruptly. For the fact that she found out by Zoya’s lips and not my own, that she’s been roped into a job for both me and the crown.”

 

“Zenik will go to the ends of the earth for you, her country, and I suspect waffles, but that’s it. She’ll understand in time, Inej. You’ll be forgiven.”

 

“I know.” Inej mumbled, toying with a string from the cushion beside her. She’d donned her usual clothing, leggings, a long sleeve shirt, boots. She’d worn only half of her knives, the ones hidden easily, so as to not alarm their coach driver or unsuspecting country folk in the rail station. Inej wished she’d worn a sweater, instead. She felt a draft from the window. Spring’s cold breath eating at her ears.

 

“Jesper and Wylan weren’t exactly thrilled either, when I saw them.” Inej continued, hoping to push her burdens off her shoulders onto the side of the road.

 

Kaz had not told her how his conversation with them had gone this morning, and she did not find she had the energy to push him for details, now. She could infer it hadn’t gone perfectly, based on Jesper’s coolness and Wylan’s glare when she’d hugged them both goodbye.

 

“Inej.” Kaz rasped, finally setting his document to his lap and giving her his full attention.

 

“What?” She asked casually, her eyes anywhere but his.

 

Guilt began to nip at her ribs. How was she sitting here, worrying over silly offenses she knew their family would forgive, when Kaz was taking a leap off a cliff? For her? For them?

 

For himself?

 

“They will get over it. I know your heart lurches at the idea of a falling out with anyone you care for, but I am pushing you, because I love you, to let it go, mera nadra.” He said, words strong and leaving no room for argument.

 

“It’s not that simple.” Inej muttered.

 

“It is simple, Inej. Easy, no. Simple… yes.”

 

Inej took a long breath, eased his words into her chest with careful consideration.

 

She knew he was right. She knew what she was truly worried about, and these small worries were not her actual concern. Jesper, Wylan, Nina, they would understand. Rahul and Khalid were safe.

 

Inej was mostly worried for Kaz, and she had no idea how he held himself so collectedly. Was he not showing it to her? Was his armor so firmly in place once again? She could feel his unease, she could not see it, now. Was she hoping he’d open up, if she did, about her own feelings?

 

“I know.” She breathed, finally. He nodded once, his hands already crinkling the parchment once more.

 

A shiver skittered over Inej as she tucked her feet tighter beneath her against the chill, leaning her forehead against the cool glass of the window pane.

 

The world swirled by as Inej’s eyes grew heavy.

 

Her mind finally gave way to dreams of crows, flying around a field aflame in golds and umbers, a spring sunset on the horizon.

 

Sometime later, she felt Kaz’s jacket being wrapped over her, his fingers going so far as to tuck the ends beneath her folded ankles. He never touched her body, not once, she registered sluggishly. He’d never touch her unaware unless necessary. Her heart skipped as slumber submerged her once more, taking her somewhere warm and safe. Somewhere smelling of glorious smoky cinnamon.

 

 

KAZ

 

            The sky broke in flashes of lightning, an afternoon storm pelting their carriage as they traveled further into the heart of Kerch, south.

 

            Kaz’s eyes strayed to Inej’s sleeping form across from him, she’d pulled his jacket tighter around her, mumbling some sleepy nonsense as she often did. His chest stuttered whenever he caught his name in her bleary sentences.

 

            Sometimes, Inej smiled in her sleep. He fucking loved it, if he was honest. She was doing it now, and Kaz could only stare, his mind no longer functioning on the documents. His eyes hung on that turn of her lips, clutching and desperate for a tether to the here and now.

 

            He knew they were perhaps only half a bell from the train station, now. His hands shook more and more as his body fell into the past, tipping over and over while remaining upright.

 

            What am I doing, Jordie?

 

            Kaz reached into his pocket, clutching a pair of bronze cufflinks, shaped in the silhouettes of crows. His breathing turned shaky.

 

            “Kaz?” Inej’s eyes didn’t open, but her voice held some note of consciousness.

 

            “Yes?” He asked, willing her eyes to remain closed. His eyes were wet, his cheeks wetter. He didn’t want to show her this, now.

 

            Kaz was terrified. Terrified of fields, of graves, of houses with memories.

 

            “Just making sure you’re here.” She yawned with a squeak before she snuggled deeper into her onyx wool cocoon.

 

            “I’m here.” He answered in a whisper, to her, to himself.

 

            “’Mere, then.” She whispered.

 

            He knew what she wanted. He couldn’t go to her, right now. Not when water brushed his toes, for the first time in months. He’d worn his gloves, despite their privacy in the coach.

 

            “In a little while.” He said softly, hoping to appease her sleep filled request. He kept on listening to the patter of the rain, trying to regulate the rise and fall of his chest. Panic could not grip him, not now. He refused.

 

            She frowned softly before kicking out her ankle gently, just to rest her foot against his pant leg. Her own sleepy way of making contact safely. Her eyes remained shut, black lashes cresting her bronze cheeks.

 

            He kissed his own gloved fingers once, before laying them gently over her delicate ankle. He willed his kiss to flow on the tide of her veins, all the way to her heart.  

 

            “Rietveld.” She mumbled dazedly against his jacket. “I want that name.”

 

            Kaz’s breath hitched as he stared at his girl, her braid a tangled mess, just like the strings he clutched to in his consciousness.

 

            “It’s yours, Mrs. Rietveld.” He said quietly sometime later, with tear lines in his cheeks and a shred of hope etched onto his hardened heart.

 

            He could do this,

 

            For Jordie.

 

            He could do this,

 

            So that once more,

 

            Two could bear the name Rietveld.

 

Notes:

Socials!:

tiktok: @ravenyenn19

tumblr: @ravenyenn19

To Lij, and to sunshine and wide open spaces. To Kaz Rietveld.

Chapter 122: Kind Of Like You

Summary:

The story begins anew.

Notes:

Chapter 122!!!!!

SURPRISE. HELLO. I'm here with the next one. Guys, i'm literally jittering in my bones because i'm so ready to share these chapters with you, to write them, to be here. I just hope you love it. I can't wait. <3

Thank you so much for being here. Eternally. I'll never be able to stop saying how much it means to me.

Drop me a comment because I just am so excited. I hope you are to, I really do. <333 I'm responding to the last chapter comments, too! I love chatting with you whenever I can and I just really want to cheer about this milestone for these two characters in the comments with you <33

"Letting Someone Go" by Zach Bryan (Kaz's perspective in the wagon, it's the vibe. It's some lyrics. Please listen.)

INEJ

 

            Steam puffed into the sky, a stream of billowing white as a train pulled out of the station of Belendt. A part of Inej had longed to see the second largest city in Kerch, but another was glad that she and Kaz had only slipped out of their coach and up the alabaster stairs into the Grand Kerch Rail Station. Inside, Kaz had produced tickets from his inner jacket pocket. Inej had raised a brow, having thought they’d need to purchase their seats at the station. The damned man had only had fifteen bells to plan this entire endeavor, and yet he’d procured tickets.

 

            “I have my ways, Inej.” He said, his lips quirking as took her hand in his, their bags had already been dropped to the loading zone for the train. Inej had slept the remaining bells in the carriage, she felt much more refreshed after her nap, she wished Kaz had followed suit.

 

            “There’s so many people.” Inej pondered aloud as they began to navigate the crowds, the entire station seemed to be carved from marble, polished and so distinguished. Absolute Kerch-ness. Every sconce, tile, and wooden bannister screamed posh and prosperous.

 

            “These rails lead closer to most of the land locked towns in the center of Kerch, any traders and importers use them to sell their goods in the villages and to the farming counties. Before these were built, the roads had to be repaired every season from the wear and tear.” Kaz mumbled, clutching his cane tighter in his other hand.

 

            It was odd, seeing Kaz with another cane. This one also held a handle made of Grisha steel, deadly enough to cave in a skull, but smooth and curved in simple artistry. It was so unlike the Crows head Inej had come to recognize as a part of Kaz, an extra limb of her avri. She also knew why he’d used this spare cane, in place of his other. The Crow’s head was legendary. It was too conspicuous to use, even out in the countryside.

 

            Out here, Kaz Brekker was an urban legend from Ketterdam, at best. At worst, he could still be a target. Out here, he couldn’t be Kaz Brekker. He had to return to Rietveld, in more ways than one. His branches had to match his roots.

 

            Inej brushed her thumb over his knuckles through the leather as they paused to let a rushing family slither by them, a mother holding a toddler in her arms as her husband ushered them forward to an unknown terminal, clearly running late. Inej smiled at the boy as they ran past, his hair a dark mass of curls, his skin brandished brown, like Jesper’s. The woman holding him tossed thanks over her shoulder, and to Inej’s surprise, Kaz dipped his head politely before they began walking once more.

 

            “Am I going to stand out because I’m not wearing skirts?” Inej whispered to Kaz as he steered them to wait in line for boarding the massive steam engine awaiting at the far end of the terminal. The metal clicked and whirred, a machine powering up. Inej almost winced when she heard the booming whistle of an incoming train across the rails.

 

            “No.” Kaz answered distractedly as he pulled awkwardly at his tie. His face was flushed, Inej realized. His eyes were darker than usual, his pupils occupying space they shouldn’t.

 

            “What is it?” Inej asked softly, though she suspected she knew the answer.

 

            “There’s people everywhere.” Kaz whispered, stepping nearer to Inej to avoid a woman’s bustling skirts as she whirled past their line.

 

            “Kaz.” Inej called, stepping so she could stand as a barrier between him and the walkway as they waited. “Stand near the train. Deep breath.” Inej continued when she saw his pupils widen at her sudden movement.

 

            Moments later, Kaz’s breathing slowed, the panic receding. She still watched him carefully from the corner of her eye as they inched forward in the line.

 

            “I didn’t think it would be any different than walking on the streets in the Barrel.” Kaz mumbled angrily under his breath.

 

            “You haven’t slept. And we’re inside. It’s understandable.” Inej replied, looking at him until he relinquished a nod. Inej hadn’t seen him near a panic in quite some time, she didn’t appreciate his demons targeting him, here. She’d stand strong in battle against those shadowed forces until Kaz could join her once again.

 

            “It’s bad manners, I should be on that side.” Kaz mumbled, but before Inej could contemplate the fact that Kaz had used the word “manners” in a serious sentence, a voice interrupted.

 

            “Tickets.” Asked a string-bean man, dressed head-to-toe in an emerald uniform. Inej hadn’t even realized they’d reached the head of the line.

 

            Kaz offered the tickets to the concierge. “Everything should be there.”

 

            “Hmm. You’re headed all the way to the end of the line. I’m from that area, which village?” The man asked as he began to scan their tickets, checking the information listed and payment receipt.

 

            “Lij.” Kaz answered, something in his voice shook off dust, a hint of an accent that he’d done well to conceal until now.

 

Inej felt affection unfold its buttery petals within her chest as she stared at her fiancé, surprised, and yet not at all.

 

            “My cousin runs a crop or two out there, best views in this country, I say.” The man beamed, and Inej’s eyes widened as Kaz nodded with a simple smile of his own.

 

            “All good, welcome aboard, Rietveld, party of two. Beggin’ my pardon Ma’am, but I didn’t want to butcher your name.” The man’s blue eyes sparkled with apologies.

 

            “Inej.” She replied in forgiveness as the worker grinned and gestured with an arm to board to the train.

 

            Kaz stepped to her side, holding out his hand to help her up the step. Inej would have laughed if she wasn’t so endeared to the simple gesture. Kaz Brekker had manners all along, and now, she was witnessing them as if she were truly a lady. She hadn’t expected to like it quite as much as she did.

 

            Soon, after being turned down a long corridor of the train, she and Kaz were seated in a small cabin, furnished with plush navy benches and a sliding door for privacy. A huge window took up the wall of the shiny oak compartment, letting in the light of the train station still bustling outside. A gas lamp also hung on the wall to illuminate the space in the evening, sending little flickers of light against the glass pane. Kaz hadn’t given up luxury, she noted with a private scoff.

 

            Kaz closed the door behind them, and this time, he sat beside her instead of across. Inej noticed how he still left a few inches of space between them, but she understood. He’d nearly panicked moments ago, for the first time in months.

 

            “You have an accent.” Inej beamed, Kaz’s ears already flushing despite his city brand attire and attitude.

 

            “If you ever so much as think that secret around Jesper, I will postpone our marriage and take the entire arrangement under careful review.” He squinted a glare from the corner of his dark eyes, though his lips rebelled with a playful sort of turn.

 

            “You won’t.” Inej shrugged, leaning back into the velvet seat, smile still plastered on her lips.

 

            “I know but let me threaten you sometimes, mera nadra. It’s only fair.”

 

            Inej laughed before nearly jumping in her seat. The train was beginning to move, butterflies skipping to life in her stomach.

 

            “Does it feel like flying?” Inej asked softly, she hadn’t expected the lilt of anxiety to fill her voice.

 

            At that, Kaz scooted closer, his thigh brushed hers and she resisted the urge to grip his leg. Inej was used to the steady rock of waves, the turn of carriage wheels. She’d never ridden in a metal tube at speeds a horse could not manage.

 

            Saints, I don’t want to be a bullet in the chamber. There was no escape, she realized. She was trapped in the metal death machine.

 

“It does. Wait until we’re out of the station, I think you’ll enjoy the window. It was my favorite part, always.” Kaz leaned in, whispering in her ear despite their privacy. She felt his hand gently tilt her chin toward the window, just as the train began to gain speed.

 

“Deep breath, Inej. You’re going to love this; I’d bet every kruge I’ve ever stolen.” He whispered, his words hot against the shell of her ear. A different kind of butterfly joined the swarm in her belly as she focused on each rise and fall of her chest. The feeling was beginning to pass, even as the train whistled a brazen battle cry.

 

“Saints,” Inej gasped, her eyes barely adjusting to the soft sunlight as the train exited the tunnel into a different world, a world that hurled past, but slow enough that every tree was catching Inej’s eyes. There were homes here, they were only just outside Belendt as of yet, but the homes were scattered amongst large yards, with bushes and trees… with life. Inej knew the train tracks must be laid into a field of some sort, high grasses bordered their steam engine’s path.

 

Inej saw a little girl playing in the grass, far away from their train and protected by a fence. When she heard the train, her little head shot up, her arm making a yanking motion. To Inej’s surprise, the train conductor blew the whistle. Inej beamed a bright thing, how had the girl known?

 

“They always do that, if you make the sign.” Kaz whispered against her, answering her unspoken question. He’d not pulled away. Inej was smiling and her eyes chasing every insignificant detail of the world, her anxieties long forgotten.

 

This was not a trap, this train, but a safe haven. A lens in which to view the world anew.

 

Kaz inhaled deeply, letting his chin rest on the side of her head, watching with her. Inej longed to turn to him, to witness his expression, but she couldn’t look away from a Kerch she’d never seen. This country was not all grime, all smog. She could see the faint smoke in the distance from Belendt’s own factories, but that was the last glimpse she saw of any man-made pollution, save for the train’s steam.

 

“Kaz?” Inej asked in a whisper, it could have been a minute or twenty later. Inej had no idea, she’d been too busy counting houses and trees, in this place where the number was near equal. Nothing like Ketterdam.

 

“Hmm?” His response was slow to come.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“Not yet. Don’t ask yet.” He rasped, so soft against her.

 

“Alright.” She nodded. She could allow that. He’d earned her patience. He always had.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            Inej mourned the daylight as the train continued on, she could only see her reflection now, in the dim of the gaslight sconce. Kaz had fallen asleep not long after they’d left Belendt, and despite her stiff posture, she refused to move his pillow made of her. She wanted him to rest, when it was evident he hadn’t the night prior.

 

            Were they surrounded by open spaces, now? Inej had no idea how long it had been. She contemplated attempting to biscuit Kaz for his time piece in his pocket, but she had nothing of equal weight, and Kaz’s leather satchel of their most precious belongings: documents and knives, was too far to reach. She remembered Kaz mentioning the train ride taking several bells, and they’d need to fetch transport into Lij from the nearest station, too.

 

            Inej gently shifted one hand, tucking Kaz’s hair back from his face and careful not to brush his skin. A sigh escaped his lips, the closest Kaz ever came to making a peep while he slept. She’d once hoped he would snore just so she could laugh over it, but to both her blessing and damnation, he was silent as a mouse.

 

            Inej’s body on the other hand, released a gurgle. She’d not eaten since early this morning when she’d fetched a biscuit from a street vendor in the Barrel. Of course, the noise woke Kaz.

 

            “Your stomach hates you.” He mumbled, still not moving.

 

            “My stomach requests sustenance, shevrati.”

 

            “Left side of the bag, I brought food. A flask of water, too.” He rasped seriously, despite that his face was still plastered to her arm.

 

            “I can either remedy my grumbling stomach or continue to be your pillow, my love. I’m not capable of both.” Inej leaned in close to whisper to him, relishing in his shiver.

 

            “Better yet.” Kaz’s hand flicked out, cane clutched as he slipped the end of the walking stick through the bag’s strap and lifting, only to deliver the bag to Inej’s lap without so much as lifting his head.

 

            Inej could only giggle, feeling his sleepy smirk rather than seeing it.

 

            “What would I do without you?” Inej asked as she began to dig through the bag, careful not to move her shoulder.

 

            “Rise to Sainthood, rule the world, probably worry a little less.” He quipped.

 

            “Hush.” Inej glared down at him the best she could, despite his joke, she was fiercely protective.

 

            “I wouldn’t want that world.” She amended as she nearly bounced at the sight of a fresh orange wrapped carefully in tissue paper. Kaz knew she preferred them. He’d been far more prepared than she, as if she should have expected any less of him.

 

            “There’s probably hot water and mugs available in the car down from this passenger section, I packed your tea bags if you’d like some.” He ignored her previous statement, finally hauling himself to sitting. Inej rolled her shoulder in a glorious stretch, circulation returning.

 

            “You have lines from my shirt in your face.” Inej laughed as he tried to set his hair to rights.

 

            “So very rude, Wraith.”

 

            “I’d like the hot water.” Inej grinned as she moved to stand, but Kaz shook his head, reaching for his cane already.

 

            “I’ll get it, stay.” Kaz mumbled, only to lean down to press a ghostly kiss to the hair on her head.

 

            Once Kaz was gone, Inej reached back into the bag, in search for a napkin or kerchief in case her orange dripped, when she found something else entirely.

 

            Inej pulled her hand from the soft leather bag, clutching a key. It was brass handled, and without a scratch. New, or… unused.

 

            She knew what door this key would unlock. Inej prayed to the Saints, to steady his hands when he pushed that piece of brass into that keyhole to his past.

 

            Jordie, help him. Help me help your brother to do this.

 

            She left the key where she’d found it, wondering if one day she might have yet another key to add to her ring, too.

 

           

 

 

KAZ

 

            The train stopped.

 

            The passengers were disembarking. Or, they were supposed to. There were only four others getting off at this stop besides himself and Inej.

 

            Kaz Rietveld was frozen in his seat, clutching his cane. Lij would only be an hour’s wagon ride away. The house… an hour more.

 

            Two bells. For two more bells, Kaz could clutch to his armor. After that? What would be left of him, after this? Would there be more than he’d started with, or ashes of what he’d become, in this decade away? Would he heal, or be destroyed?

 

            “Kaz.” Inej said softly, he felt her eyes caressing his face, gentle and probing.

 

            “Right.” Kaz cleared his throat as he stood, ignoring the throb of his leg entirely. He missed the familiarity of the Crow’s head in his grip, he hated the unusual curve of this walking stick. The utter simplicity.

 

            “Mera chaar.” Inej stopped him before he could exit their small cabin, standing directly in front of him. He tried his best to look her in the eye, only succeeding in focusing on the space between her eyebrows.

 

            “Look at me, properly.” She sighed. He couldn’t deny her.

 

            “What?” His voice cracked.

 

            “Whatever happens out there, we are still us. We are in this, together. When you want to leave, we leave. I won’t let you not try, I won’t let you give up without trying, but I will never hold you back. We can stay in the damned horse stables if we have to. I will keep us warm. I just…” She paused as her eyes searched his face, her bottom lip between her teeth.

 

            “I want you to know I’m proud of you. Proud of my spirit’s match. Proud of everything you are. Rietveld or Brekker or Barrel bastard. Proud of you.” Inej whispered, her hand settled on his chest, just against his heart. She could surely feel it’s anxious rhythm beneath his vest and blazer.

 

            Kaz could only nod, couldn’t fathom that he was here, by his own choice. With her, by her own choice.

 

            “I love you.” Inej said, standing on her toes to leave a kiss to his cheek, wary and chaste but filled with warmth. Kaz squeezed his eyes shut, still nodding.

 

            “I love you, Inej.” He breathed the words, realizing he’d not said those words in days despite how often he thought them.

 

            “Shall we go find our luggage before some poor footman is scandalized by the number of bullets I’m sure you packed or the whetstone I damn well know I packed?” Inej smiled as he opened his eyes, ready to see the world once again.

 

            He chuckled at her wiggling eyebrow, her satisfied smile.

 

            “Yes, darling, let’s save the scandalizing for when we’re alone.” He joked, reaching for her hand. He could do this. He had to. He’d not come this far to only go this far.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            The cart rolled over a flat dirt road, the wind rustling the hay behind them. They’d hitched a ride to Lij from the station on the main road, a much smaller station that served as the only center of the rails between Heig, another small town, and Lij. The station was between both settlements in the middle of nowhere. It sat on the side of the road, only a single platform and lamp with a small office, now closed. Thankfully, he and Inej had been lucky that a farmer had been waiting at the station on his way home, offering to pick up travelers for some extra income. Kaz would pay him double what he asked when they arrived in Lij.

 

            The air. The air was something Kaz could admit missing. Not even Ravka had the same air as the Kerch countryside. His gluttonous lungs gulped it down, deep and pure and fresh.

 

            “Kaz!” Inej was squeaking as she stuck her head out of the back of the cart, her eyes trained on the partially overcast night sky. “I see stars.”

 

            “They tend to be up there, Inej.” He replied, earning a slap to his thigh. Inej had no idea. Tonight, it was cloudy. She’d be surprised on a clear night, he smiled slightly to himself. He didn’t think she’d stopped being surprised since the train had pulled out of Belendt.

 

            “I can’t see anything off the road.” Inej frowned as she looked back to him in the darkness.

 

            “No street lamps unless you’re in town.”

 

            “I want to know what it looks like.” She pouted slightly as she folded her legs beneath her.

 

            “You’ll see, Inej. I promise.” He shrugged. His nerves had seemingly decided to rest, for now. His demons dormant and dozing lightly. He reached for her hand. Maybe, his mind had finally broken; unable to function enough to panic, now.

 

            “You haven’t… you haven’t said where we’re staying tonight.” Inej turned to him, her finger bumping over his knuckles.

 

            “The House.” Kaz replied, swallowing thickly. It felt wrong to say his house.

 

It felt wrong that it was his, and not Jordie’s.

 

            I wish you were here, Jordie.

           

            “How far is it from town?” Inej asked.

 

            “An hour walk. Twenty minutes by horse.”

 

            “Horse?” Inej shifted to look at him.

 

            “Yes. We’ll rent a cart and horse from town, they have public use stables, assuming nothing has changed.” Kaz mumbled thickly.

 

The demons woke up with his words, forced his fingers to drop her hand. He felt the debris rising in his watery chest cavity.

 

            Debris floating in a harbor of a boy’s whole heart and a man’s broken pieces. The remnants of pianos. Bloodied crops. Timber’s stick. Jordie’s unseeing eyes.

 

            “Kaz.” Inej said, her tone urgent. He’d not realized he’d begun gasping, his eyes filling.

 

            “I’m okay.” He lied through gritted teeth, shifting away from her to gulp more air, gloriously dry, land-locked air.

 

            “Is there an Inn, at Lij?” Inej shifted to sit next to him again but leaving a foot of space between them. He hated how grateful he was for her ability to read him so distinctly, even as his breaths came easier. He couldn’t answer yet, couldn’t hold his eyes open to the night, in fear he might finally scream, one more time.

 

He wanted to take the farmer’s rusty hoe stuck in the hay behind them and hack at his inner workings until they allowed him to function like a goddamned man. Smash each inch of space that had separated him and Inej for years. Dig into the soil of his memories until the graves were filled, no holes left.

 

For the first time in years, Kaz wanted his father. He wanted his father in the way that he had as a boy.

 

Whenever Kaz had had a nightmare, he could count on being able to find Da at the piano, or out on the front porch, puffing a pipe in the cool air, smoke mixing with Mama’s magnolias in the window box. He wanted to be whole, the way his father always made him feel after those awful dreams.

 

When Kaz had been young, he’d sometimes dreamed of Mama, and in those slumbered hallucinations, he never saw her face. He only heard the rain of her laughter, sparkling and clear as he ran through the house chasing the sound, hoping to finally meet her. He’d always end up in the kitchen, where a woman in a simple dress stood staring out the window, her back turned to him, her silhouette misty in glaring sunlight.

 

Her laughter always stopped, the moment Kaz entered the room. The same way her heart had when he’d entered this world. He always woke up, crying for her, and needing his father.

 

Da always told him stories, of magic nutcrackers and the winter feasts. Stories of Mama, and how she’d sing to Kaz before he’d even been born. Da always made Kaz feel whole, again. Sometimes, Jordie would find them out there, wrapped in a wool blanket, Kaz on Da’s knee. Jordie would clutch his own blanket around him and sit on the ground beside them, and sometimes, he’d read them one of his books. Stories of knights and dragons and world ending heroics. Sometimes, they’d all fall quiet, listening to the symphony of cicadas and blowing long grass, content enough to be wholly present.

 

Kaz wanted to feel whole, now.

 

“There’s an inn.” Kaz said hoarsely. Inej’s eyes were on his profile, but he couldn’t turn his head, opening his eyes had been enough of a feat. She was quiet for a long moment, he felt her shift to cross her legs beneath her. He heard the farmer whistling, somewhere in the front of the wagon, the snap of reins as he guided the horses in the darkness. It was a tune slower than Ketterdam, so inherently simple and soft, something Kaz Rietveld missed. Something that helped to command his eyes to stop their incessant watering. He would not pay the farmer with red eyes when they reached Lij.

 

Get it together, Brekker. Keep it the fuck together.

 

“Let’s stay in the Inn, tonight. We can rest. We can take our time. We’ll get supplies, won’t that make it easier than having to come back to town, tomorrow? We can eat an actual meal. Let us be like tortoises. Slow and steady and all that. That’s a Kerch phrase isn’t it?” She said, her tone leaving it up to him. It was his choice. Kaz knew it. Inej’s words wrapped around his lungs like that old wool blanket, warm and steady. She was being practical, level, and kind.

 

Like his family had been.

 

“Okay.” Kaz nodded, the word scratchy, but whole.

 

“What is that smell?” Inej inhaled, when he looked over, her eyes were wide in the darkness, black pools filled with wonder.

 

“Wheat.” Kaz smiled faintly. It was fresh and coarse, the scent unlike any other.

 

It smelled like the past, but brand new. It felt a little like a whisper against his senses… “Welcome back.”

 

“I adore it. It’s like you, kind of.” Inej was shifting to once again look out the back of the wagon, as if the moon would suddenly illuminate something for her to set her eyes on.

 

“Like me?” Kaz coughed as he spoke.

 

“Yes, not because you smell like it, but it’s… it smells like home.” Inej answered, as if it made perfect sense.

 

It did, just like the pine trees of Ravka had been foreign to him, they’d signaled home, because of her.

 

 

 

 

 

Kaz reminded himself that he was home, and it had nothing to do with the cart skipping over a bump of dirt, and landing on the uneven cobblestones of Lij. It had nothing to do with the faint glow of a street lamp ahead of them.

Chapter 123: Roots

Summary:

Kaz takes a step toward his past.

Notes:

Chapter 123!!!!!!!

Hi everyone!!! I'm a day late, I had wanted to get this one up yesterday, but I needed to tweak it. Like Ravka, Lij needs a voice. I wanted to get it right. <3 I hope you can forgive!!! This one is all Inej's POV, but i think you'll understand. It's special. It's the beginning. It's... I just can't wait, ya'll. I hope you love it. <3

Thank you eternally. You know why. I hope you know I mean it, every single time. <3

PLEASE leave me a comment so i can stop worrying myself over every detail. I'm just so excited to paint this picture for you and I'd love to gush about it with you and hear your thoughts. AHHHHHHHH.

"We Should Plant A Tree" by Ross Copperman (PLEASE I BEG YOU TO LISTEN TO THIS ONE TOWARDS THE END IT"S PERFECT AND AND I DIDN'T EVEN CHOOSE THE SONG UNTIL AFTER I WROTE THIS ONE. PLEASE.)

INEJ

 

            Inej’s legs tingled as she finally heaved herself from the back of the wagon, circulation returning in annoying little pricks.

 

            She hardly noticed.

 

            Lij. She was standing in Lij.

 

The street lamp illuminated smooth red bricks and an uneven cobbled street. She could hear horses nearby, their gruff whinnies and the hush of crushed hay. Kaz had mentioned there were stables in town, she couldn’t wait to see them.

 

She felt like a girl again, seeing new parts of Ravka for the first time, her heart easy and unbridled.

 

            Now, she was a woman who had sailed the True Sea, been all the way to Noyvi Zem and back, but nothing quite fascinated her the way the smell of wheat did. Nothing had ever given her butterflies like this little slice of Kerch. She could hardly see a thing beyond the illumination of the solitary lamp, and yet, she already felt a connection.

 

Something deep inside of Inej was longing to map every nook and cranny of this place. The very vines of her nomadic heart began to reach for those deep roots. Parts of her were clawing for that calm stillness that had wrapped around her the moment she’d inhaled this fair weather breeze.

 

            Inej spun in an appraising circle before hauling their bags from the small wagon. She heard Kaz speaking with the farmer up by the horse.

 

            “Son, I only asked for half this, I was coming this way anyways. I can’t accept this much.” The man was urging, insisting on handing money back to her avri.

 

            “I know. Keep it.” Kaz mumbled, she heard the clink of coins as Kaz set them back to the driving bench beside the farmer, leaving no room for argument. Inej peeked around the wagon to see Kaz dip his head, already walking away, his cane clicking on the road.

 

            “Wait! What was your name?” The farmer called. Inej saw Kaz’s steps falter, before he pressed on, as if the man had said nothing at all. Inej had hoped to find out what Kaz planned to say, but she saw the look on his face.

 

            Sheer determination. The look he wore when he was fighting. This time, the enemy was inside him. She would follow his lead, whatever he decided. If he gave another false name, or no name at all, Inej would understand. Part of her thought he’d use his name, his real name. She’d understand that, too. Here, they couldn’t be Inej Ghafa and Kaz Brekker. Here… they were just Kaz and Inej. As long as Inej knew him, the rest of the world could hurl rocks.

 

Inej watched as the farmer snapped the reins, his horse lurching into a trot. Kaz reached her as the wagon disappeared into the darkness. The street was quiet, save for the distant horses. Inej only heard the dull buzz of the lamp, only spotted a moth fluttering above them. It was so unlike Ketterdam, unlike anywhere Inej had been. She’d never heard this much quiet, certainly not in Aska Vasman. Not even on her ship.

 

She loved it.

 

“It’s quiet.” Kaz said, and when Inej looked at him, his head was tilted to the sky, his eyes closed. “It’s quiet.” He repeated on a whisper, his lips quirking into a relieved smile. Her heart stuttered, her mouth parted.

 

Butterflies swarmed in Inej’s belly as she watched him, his dark hair haloed by the amber light, his jacket unbuttoned. He’d removed his tie, somewhere on their journey.

 

He looked like Kaz. He looked closer to the man Inej knew privately than he ever had before. There was the blazer of Brekker, and the stray strand of raven hair on his forehead that belonged to Rietveld. The gloves of Dirtyhands.

 

To Inej, he was Kaz. Every scar, every inch. Every piece of armor, open to her alone. She’d never known how it would feel, to watch him smile in silence. To watch him drop his mask completely, without even knowing it.

 

She felt like she could forsake the world, for another moment to look at him, just as he was now.

 

Somewhere ahead of them, a door banged open and light poured onto the sidewalk to reveal a woman in a simple dress, pulling her jacket tight around herself in the breeze. Kaz’s head snapped down, his eyes hard and focused once more. Inej watched Ketterdam bleed back into his spine as he straightened.

 

“Chilly night!” The woman smiled as she walked toward them with a beaming smile, her blonde hair pulled into a tidy bun and her cheeks rosy. Inej felt her own sensibilities kick in.

 

“Oh! New to town? I’m Sadie. I run the inn behind us.” Sadie stopped in front of them, her arms wrapped tight around herself and nodding toward their bags. Inej noticed an apron tied over her waist, a cleaning cloth tucked into the pocket haphazardly.

 

“Nice to meet you.” Inej swallowed and pushed her lips into a smile as she took the woman’s proffered hand, she couldn’t have been much older than thirty, Inej noted. Kaz was silent beside her, but she noticed how he tried to smooth his features into something that was less… well, Barrel bred.

 

“I thought I heard the cart, did Jonah already leave?” Sadie smiled, squinting over her shoulder into the darkness.

 

“The farmer? Didn’t catch his name.” Kaz rasped.

 

“Ghezen damn him. He was supposed to drop off my hay.” Sadie rolled her eyes, muttering something like “forgetful old bastard under her breath”, yet something fond lined the woman’s hazel eyes.

 

“Do you have any rooms available?” Inej asked, smoothing a hand over her shirt, attempting to alleviate the wrinkles. She knew she looked travel worn, and something about the woman’s simple elegance made Inej wish she’d at the least re-braided her hair.

 

“Oh, yes! Come! You must be exhausted, where are you lot from?” Sadie reached to help with Kaz’s bag but he stepped out of reach, shaking his head softly.

 

“I’ve got it.”

 

“Right.” Sadie’s grin slipped only a fraction before she lifted her skirts and turned on her heels with a gesture for them to follow.

 

“Ketterdam, to answer your question.” Kaz said quietly as they followed the Inn keeper.

 

“Oi, you’re a long way from home. Don’t get too many from up north. You got family here? You got a hint of the sticks in your letters.” Sadie tossed Kaz a smile as she opened the door, a wave of warmth immediately crashing over Inej’s face as they stepped into a dim tavern of sorts.

 

“My family was from this area.” Kaz mumbled as he and Inej set their bags down on the first small table they encountered.

 

“Mmm, knew it.” Sadie hummed in response.

 

“Aye! Reg, fire up the ovens, we got two late comers!” Sadie yelled to someone as she hung her jacket on a hook by the door.

 

Inej smiled as she walked toward the flickering fire, warming her hands by the flames. Inej noticed a single group of men at a back table, cups of dice clacking against the wood as they tossed coins into a pile. A few others sat at a long bar in the back of the room, sipping from large pints, some chatting quietly, some reading what appeared to be the local post. None of them bothered to notice herself and Kaz, a nice reprieve.

 

“Make yourselves comfortable, doves. I’ll get you some water, or you can pick your poison and Reg’ll grab it from the wall.” Sadie moved toward a door behind the bar, disappearing from sight in a flurry of noises from what Inej presumed to be the kitchen. Her eyes ate up the details, the small worn tables and chairs, the vibrant bottles on the wall. Her eyes snagged on a painting, hung just above the fireplace. It was all hued in golds and soft oranges, save for the brimming brush stroke of green grass.

 

A field. The very first Inej had seen. If reality was anything like this painting, she had already fallen in love.

 

“Sunset.” Kaz murmured as he came to stand beside her, staring up at the art.

 

“It’s beautiful.” Inej smiled as she snuck a glance at his face. His eyes darted to hers, obsidian tainted amber in the firelight.

 

“It’s better in person.” He whispered, only to turn back toward their table.

 

Inej allowed herself another moment, staring into the golden horizon on canvas, wondering if she looked hard enough, if she’d see two farm boys running amongst the grass.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Inej had never had a chicken pie more exquisite, nor had she ever had bread so fluffy. The opposite of pan bread in every way, but now Inej was certain she had two favorite types of bread.

 

“Thank you.” Inej smiled to Sadie when she came to collect the dishes from their meal. “It was fantastic; I’ve never had biscuits their equal.”

 

“Really?” Sadie beamed. “I’ve been working on changing the recipe for a month now, but everyone around here just munches them all the same, even if they’re burnt!”

 

“It was very good.” Kaz nodded, breaking his silence of their entire meal.

 

Inej would not push him, would only stand patient for his words to come. If he wanted to tell her his thoughts, he would. Inej knew her avri, knew his irises better than the inside of her own eye lids. His silence was heavy, but he’d told her everything she needed to know with those looks he gave her every few moments.

 

Kaz was trying his best, and his hand on her knee, rubbing idle circles, was the only assurance she needed that he was managing. That he was still here, not lost in the past.

 

“I didn’t catch your names; Ghezen you’d think my last feather was plucked.” Sadie smiled sheepishly, hazel eyes shimmering in apology.

 

Inej couldn’t help the giggle that escaped her mouth. What an odd proverb.

 

“Inej.” She controlled her laughter in a tight smile.

 

“Kaz.” He ran a hand through his hair, his throat moving in a swallow.

 

“Nice to make your acquaintance officially, you said your family was from here, any name I’d recognize? I’m pretty sure I’ve had the pleasure of every sort in here once or twice in my five years running this little operation.” Sadie’s voice had a drawl, a lilt of melody to her feminine tone, something Inej was certain only came to a native of this small town.

 

It was enchanting, homely, warm, and pretty all at once. A dialect of Kerch that Inej adored, the kinder cousin of the language, somehow.

 

Inej’s eyes widened slightly as Sadie’s question sunk in, her eyes darted to Kaz when she felt his hand stop it’s smoothing motion on her knee.

 

“Rietveld.” Kaz answered. His voice did not shake, his graveled tone only deepening as he said his true name aloud, in a room of patrons.

 

Inej thought she might have just witnessed a blizzard in the sunshine.

 

Something so impossible, it could only be true.

 

Sadie almost dropped the dishes in her arms. Her eyes widened as she looked at Kaz, and he stared straight back at her.

 

“Haven’t heard that name in a long time.” Sadie whispered.

 

“Suspected as much.” Kaz stated, straightening his jacket.

 

“Ghezen, you… you are one of the boys, one of Bram’s boys?” She asked breathlessly.

 

“His youngest.” Kaz confirmed.

 

It was then that Inej realized she no longer heard the idle chatter of the patrons, the clack of dice. The room had fallen silent.

 

“I… Ghezen. We all thought it was a load of horse shit when we heard the farm had been bought back into the family name. Thought it had to be a mistake in the filing down at town hall. Then… then no one ever came to move in out there. Gerrit got hired by someone from Ketterdam…” Sadie’s eyes flicked back to Kaz as the dots connected.

 

“No way in hell. You’re a liar!” A man bellowed as he stood from the bar somewhere behind Inej, the screech of wood on wood echoing in the small tavern.

 

“My brother was Jordan Johannus Rietveld, son of Bram Jacobus Rietveld. My family owned that land for seven generations. My name is Kaz Elias Rietveld. So yes, there is a way in hell and I’d watch who you call a liar.” Kaz stared over Inej’s shoulder, challenging whoever had shouted. She was frozen, not daring to look. Kaz’s fingers twitched in his gloves, she saw him tilt his cane closer to himself.

 

So much for no one noticing them.

 

Inej couldn’t believe the truth falling from Kaz’s lips, the utter determination leaking from his locked jaw. His lines had sharpened once more.

 

Saints, don’t test him.

 

“Shut the hell up, Daan or get out of my Inn! Better yet I’ll tell Marie that you drank double your limit last night.” Sadie snapped to the man.

 

Inej heard a chair creak as a body sat back down. The man did not mutter another word.

 

Good Saints, what power did this woman possess and where could Inej find some?

 

“Inej is my wife.” Kaz looked back to Sadie after one final glare to the man, his hand returning to Inej’s knee and squeezing gently. He acted as if he’d not been about to bash a skull in. Then, his words filtered into her.

 

Inej felt her cheeks heat, her stomach did flips. It wasn’t even true, yet Inej felt every bit the blushing bride. His wife. She liked that, far more than she ever would have thought.

 

“You’re a knock out.” Sadie regained the sparkle in her eyes as she looked over Inej.

 

Inej was certain she could not have turned more red. Wylan would have lost in this competition, surely.

 

“I… I’m sorry about Bram. I was only about eighteen when that all happened, but I remember him in town. I think my mother bought apples from your orchard.” Sadie said softly, awkwardly reaching into her apron pocket to lay keys down on their table.

 

“Probably.” Kaz said, his tone too quiet for the other patrons to be able to hear. Inej heard conversation beginning to return, heard the dice shake in a cup.

 

Inej saw the way Kaz kept his eyes down, felt the tightening of his fingers on her leg. She could tell he’d reached an invisible limit, knew what it looked like when Kaz was beginning to lose an internal battle.

 

“I’m sure we’ll have time to talk, but I’m absolutely exhausted. Please excuse my husband and I, but we had a long day of traveling. Kaz?” Inej smiled as she stood, grasping the keys to their room.

 

“Oh! Of course you are tired, please forgive me. Just a shock it was is all. First room on the right at the top of the stairs over there. Welcome back, Kaz.” Sadie said softly, leaving them with a small smile.

 

Kaz was already halfway across the room to the staircase, their bags draped over his shoulder. Inej was quick to follow.

 

“Excuse me.” A voice called to Inej, just as she reached the banister for the stairs. Kaz had already disappeared around the landing. She understood why he did not wait for her. She wondered dimly how bad that climb had just hurt his leg after a day of travel.

 

With one last glance after Kaz, Inej turned her head to see a man wringing his hat in front of himself, revealing a partially balding head and deep brown eyes. He stood at least two feet above Inej, nearly as tall as Jesper. Inej resisted the urge to take a step back in this stranger’s proximity. His eyes looked kind, guilty, even.

 

“I meant no harm to Mr. Rietveld, I’m sorry for my outburst. It’s… I worked that farm for years. I knew those boys; Bram was my friend. A good man, honest as the sun. I… I lost it thinking someone would dare impersonate his boy. I saw him though, just now. He… he looks like Kaz. Your husband looks like Bram. He looks like Emilia, too. Around the eyes…. I… I’m so sorry.” The man stuttered to Inej, his eyes downcast in shame, the very wrinkles around his eyes solemn.

 

“He looks like Bram because he is Kaz Rietveld.” Inej whispered. She could not forgive this man, could not cleanse his pallet of guilt. It was not hers to give. All she could do is confirm his mistake.

 

As Inej walked up the stairs, chewing on the man’s words… she realized she’d just heard Kaz’s mother’s name for the first time. Emilia.

 

“Wait.” He called, and Inej turned once more, halfway up the steps.

 

“Tell him…. Tell him that Daan Tiers wishes him apologies. I’ll tell him myself if he’ll see me, but… I wished I could have helped him and Jordan when Bram died. I wanted to, Miss. I woulda done anything for ‘em if I’d had a penny to my name to help those kids. And tell him… tell him he should talk to her.”

 

Inej nodded slowly, before rushing up the stairs, keys still in hand.

 

Talk to her? Inej didn’t know who the man meant. She also had every intention of relaying the information to Kaz… maybe he’d make sense of the man’s statement.

 

She shouldn’t have been surprised to find their borrowed room door already unlocked. Kaz had picked it when she didn’t immediately follow.

 

Inej walked into the room to find Kaz standing at a small wash basin next to the single bed. The room was small, a little cramped, but warm. Inej noticed the lamp on the lone windowsill, it’s flames flickering and casting Kaz’s reflection into the glass behind the basin.

 

“Kaz?” Inej asked softly as she clicked their door shut, sliding the bolt into place with a satisfying snap.

 

“I… I fucking said it.” Kaz mumbled, his back still turned to her. He’d removed his blazer, leaving only his vest and shirt. She longed to reach out, to run her hands down his spine and smooth away the tension. She waited to meet him on land. Go on, she urged silently.

 

“I said my name, Inej.” Kaz turned his head to look at her, his eyes smoked glass.

 

“How did it feel?” Inej took a step forward, all while keeping her hold on his eyes.

 

For a long moment, Kaz stared at her, and she him. In his face, she swore she found relief.

 

“It felt… like…. It felt like the first breath after drowning.” Kaz whispered, turning to face her fully.

 

“It was painful, then.” Inej said softly, watching his chin dip in a nod.

 

“Yes. But…” He trailed off, sighing.

 

“Inevitable. And all the more refreshing for it.” Inej answered for him. She’d known that particular feeling. She’d felt it, the moment she’d said her own name, for the first time after leaving the Menagerie.

 

It was a feeling she’d wish on no one. Yet, it was a feeling she cherished, clutched close to her chest filled with air. It was a beautiful sort of melancholy, all aching and desperate.

 

The return of one’s name was like shattered glass glued back together, still fragile, and yet when that adhesive dried… you were stronger than before. More whole, because of that shred of wrongness that still existed within your reinforced pieces.

 

“Yes.” Kaz answered, his voice dragging the words over the roughest stone.

 

 

 

 

 

For a long while, Inej sat on the bed, absently braiding her hair, watching as Kaz meticulously removed their tooth brushes to lay them on the wash basin, tracking his shoulders as he folded his blazer over the chest at the end of the bed.

 

“Can I ask?” Inej questioned softly, tossing caution to the wind.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Are you okay?” She whispered as he froze his movements, his gaze scorching her face.

 

He moved, then, only to kneel in front of her where she sat, his knee clearly sore. She began to shake her head but his fingers reached up to stop her chin.

 

His hands were bare, for the first time that day. She had no idea when he’d slipped the leather off.

 

“No. But I think I will be.” He answered. Inej’s lips fell into a smile, it was more honesty than she’d ever expected. It was a better answer than she’d expected, too.

 

“You called me your wife.” Inej beamed.

 

“Yes, and you called me your husband.” His dimple appeared, his hand not dropping from her face. Instead he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, tracing the shell.

 

“What of it?” Inej hummed with a smirk.

 

“This.” He leaned forward.

 

For the first time since he’d asked her to come to Lij, he kissed her. In every kiss with Kaz, Inej discovered something new. A new taste, a new piece of him.

 

In this kiss, she learned that freedom tasted like Kaz Rietveld’s lips dusted in fresh air.

 

In this kiss, A Suli nomad learned that roots were not meant to hold one down, but instead, to keep them standing.

 

She saw Kaz’s roots, growing beneath his skin with every inhale he took of wheat and wind.

 

Inej wanted to plant herself, next to him. Forever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

            “Kaz?” Inej whispered later that night, as she traced her hand over his chest through his shirt. His arms were wrapped around her, tucking her close as if he’d been concerned she’d fall off the side of the tiny bed. They were lucky she was small, this time.

 

            “Hmm?” He sounded distant, sleep already curling around him.

 

            “What was your mother’s name?” She asked quietly, not knowing if he’d even been conscious enough to answer.

 

            “Elena.” He hummed.

 

            Inej froze, just as a sigh escaped Kaz’s lips, signaling his descent into slumber.

 

            Then who was Emilia? Inej vowed to ask him tomorrow, as her eyes grew heavy, Kaz's heart beating solidly against her cheek. 

Notes:

Socials!:

tiktok: @ravenyenn19

tumblr: @ravenyenn19

Also, how excited are you? Did I surprise you? *whines in author*

Chapter 124: Blue Skies & Red Lipped Saints

Summary:

A sighting. A first for Kaz and Inej.

Notes:

Chapter 124!!!!

Hi everyone!!!! AhHHHHHH. Okay, so this one is only the start. This was originally combined with the next chapter, but this one is 5k words on it's own so I decided to split them up. I'll be honest with you, I have no idea how I feel about this one. I struggled hard with it. I almost deleted it all and re started. Twice. I don't know if it was self-doubt or if it's just not that good. I am so excited though, for everything.

There's someone special here. I can't wait to show you what I mean. I hope you guys love it, I really do. <33

Thank you eternally for being here and being patient with me, I know i'm late. Sometimes life just gets in the way and I am sorry. <3

I'd adore you forever if you can let me know what you thought in a comment, because it's not often that I'm so nervous for a chapter. This is a nervous one. I really wanna chat with you all and I miss you. <3 Just if you have time to fuel this little author's heart. <3 I'm kinda begging, but PLEASE?

"Lost Sparks" by Canyon City (vibe, seriously. Listen in the beginning.)

KAZ

 

            Sunlight was pouring over his face. Liquid and dream addled, Kaz reached blindly across the unfamiliar bed. Searching for familiar, his fingers were scooped into hers. A warm hand tracing over his knuckles, he could feel the beads of her bracelet brushing his wrist. His eyes refused to open, instead they only shut tighter, enjoying the burnt orange behind his eyelids.

 

            Kaz was warm, his lungs open. He’d slept deeper than he had in weeks. Maybe he’d managed this type of rest once or twice in Ravka. Never in Ketterdam unless he pushed himself for days on end.

 

            With sudden clarity, reality flooded his veins. The sunshine. He was in Lij.

 

            He was in the place he’d once thought he’d never return to. He was a man, now. A man with a fiancé who was carefully tracing the scar across his fingers. He was not the boy who had last walked these familiar country roads, but some small part of that boy was climbing up his ribs from the darkness, sensing the light outside.

 

“I’ve been awake for a bell, and yet you slept.” Inej whispered to him, and then he felt her hand brush his hair back, never once touching his skin, but igniting him all the same. He was but a flint for her flame.

 

“What is the time?” Kaz’s throat scratched with residual sleep.

 

“Ten bells, according to the clock over there.” Inej replied softly.

 

For once, Kaz couldn’t force himself to be appalled at the hour. He was here with no schedule, only a deadline. He’d plan the job for the Ravkan crown, for Inej. But today… today he could not force his bones to rush. Couldn’t force himself to care as sunrays dabbled his exposed arms, embracing him in foreign familiarity.

 

“I’ve been inching closer to the window, but I didn’t want to wake you.” Inej added, a smile drenching her words.

 

“You sound happy.” Kaz mumbled, finally cracking a single eye and spying her, still tucked under the sheets beside him, her head laid happily on the pillow, watching him.

 

Her smile only widened, fierce and gentle.

 

“I’m happy because I’m here. With you. I’m happy because you slept so soundly.” Inej whispered to him. Her dark hair was loose from its braid, spinning in smooth waves in every direction. He could only hum in response, his words still trudging through slumber.

 

He wanted to stay here, watching Inej bathe in happiness and sunrays in equal measure. She was radiant in this private light of a quiet morning. Is this what Inej would look like, every day, if they were normal? If there were no gangs to run, no slavers to sink?

 

What would she think of this place? What would she think of the antiquated pieces of himself, dusty and worn?

 

Would he survive removing the sheets covering his past, and revealing them to the light once more? Would he be able to dig up Kaz Rietveld’s grave, and let her see into that hole of soil and far grittier things, like his lost innocence?

 

Would he be able to walk up the steps to the house he’d been born in, an unwelcome ghost of the family that had once been whole and real? Was he welcome, back in the sun?

 

“You’re scrunching your nose.” Inej squeezed his hand as he reopened his eyes, both this time.

 

“I do not scrunch.” He quipped.

 

“Yes you do. You also scrunch your nose like that when Wylan serves anything with olives.” She giggled softly.

 

“They are sour and oddly textured.” He argued sternly.

 

“I knew you hated them.” Inej smiled, her fingers reaching out only to fan across his cheekbone, his nose. It was as if she were coaxing tension from his face, and she was succeeding.

 

“What’s that look?” Kaz asked as her fingers traced his jawline, tender and exploring.

 

“You’re beautiful.” Her eyes followed her fingers path. Kaz felt his skin warm, not from the sun.

 

“Let me kiss you.” He asked, inching closer.

 

Instead, Inej slipped up to him, pressed her lips to his nose, each cheek, his forehead. Kaz’s eyes fell closed as her lips finally met his, gentle and craving.

 

He didn’t hold back his wants, he left his wanting branded into her lips, eliciting a shaky gasp from her throat. He didn’t know when he’d snaked his arms around her lithe waist, when he’d pulled her flush to his chest. Her fingers were threading through his hair, her leg hitched over his hip.

 

“I thought we needed to check out…” She began as he trailed his mouth along her throat, kissing every inch of her scar.

 

“Not yet.” He whispered against her skin.

 

“Kaz,” She chastised, though his name sounded breathless, heady. Not yet.

 

******** Warning! Spicy Content ahead! Don’t worry you can skip this and still understand the story! Just read on after the cut! ********

 

He wanted her. He wanted this. It had been since her ship since they’d stolen a moment like this, had the freedom of tangled limbs and privacy from the world. Here, no Dregs could come calling. No crew could usher her to the helm. No Kane to hunt. No Ravkan monarchs to call counsel.

 

“’Nej,” He hummed in response.

 

“Are you avoiding the day?” She pulled away from him slightly, his lips pulled into a frown.

 

“What if I am?” He raised a brow. Now, she frowned. Perhaps that had been the wrong thing to say. His mind was suffering blood loss; his body had already called the reserves to much less intelligent places.

 

“You’re tense.” Inej’s fingers swirled over his shoulder blades. “Why?”

 

“I’m… I want to…” His mouth clicked shut. How did he tell her he wanted her, right now? How did he admit that he wanted to touch her, right now, and that he felt like he needed this, before the day? Of course, he didn’t truly need it. If she wasn’t in the same mindset, he’d back off immediately.

 

How did he tell her that he… he wasn’t ready just yet, to face the day? That he wanted her alone, before he welcomed the past into their embrace?

 

Was it… was it alright to ask her, for this? Was that a line they couldn’t cross, because of what they’d each been through, respectively?

 

He didn’t know how he’d be, today. He knew rationally that he was doing better than expected currently, but he also knew that part of it was because of the privacy of this cramped room. Because he’d not laid eyes on Lij in the daylight. It wasn’t real, yet. He had not let his mind venture down that winding country road to the farm.

 

He couldn’t, yet. He couldn’t. Instead, he wanted a minute of earned peace with his fiancé. Alone together.

 

“Tell me.” Inej whispered to him, scooting closer once more. Her fingers tilted his face to her. Her dark eyes shimmered with love, flecks of her own desire. Fuck, how could she look at him like that? How was he supposed to form rational thoughts, let alone words?

 

“I miss you.” The words tumbled lamely out of his mouth, the barest version of his desires. Her head tilted as she watched him, churning his words around behind her eyes. A tiny smile lifted her lips.

 

“Like this?” Inej said lowly as she pressed herself closer to him, her entire front flush with his. She clearly knew, now, what his affliction was.

 

“Yes.” He bit his own cheek to hold back the groan as she shifted against his erection.

 

“I want you to tell me when you want me.” Inej nuzzled into his neck, trailing burning little kisses along his skin.

 

“I can’t always be speaking, Inej.” He joked, feeling her soft giggle against his throat.

 

“You don’t mean that.” She nipped at his ear, driving him slowly insane.

 

“I do, Inej. I don’t think there’s been a day that I haven’t wanted you, nor will a day ever come.”

 

“Stop it. You’re distracting me.” She laughed again, her words sinking into his flesh as she shifted against him again.

 

“Inej.” He groaned as her hands smoothed over his chest between them, slow and admiring.

 

“Can I take this off?” She looked up at him through dark lashes with wide eyes. Happy eyes.

 

“Please.” He whispered, shifting up to help her to rid him of the shirt.

 

The first touch of her hands against his chest sent shivers down his spine, fire fanning through his tight muscles. He wanted. He wanted everything.

 

“Soon.” She whispered as she traced her eyes over his bare upper half.

 

“Soon what?” He wrapped his arms around her waist once more, already considering how quickly he might be able to remove his shirt from her body, too.

 

“Soon I will have you. Soon, you’ll have me.” She whispered with a kiss to the center of his chest.

 

He couldn’t help himself, this time. He pulled her closer into him, peppered kisses over her, until he finally found her lips, urgent and gentle.

 

Inej pushed him gently to his back on the small bed, she perched on top of him, her legs snug against his hips. Kaz gazed up at her as she straightened atop him, her eyes half open, her hands moving to the buttons of the shirt hiding her from him.

 

She was painted gold, the sun catching every sweep of bronze in her brown skin. Her hair glowed, ochre and onyx and amber. So many colors, bleeding together like watercolors to form her. Her. Her. Her. His breath was lodged in his throat as she slowly unbuttoned the shirt, revealing more and more to him.

 

How was he here? In Lij, with Inej on his lap, her body exposed? How had he gotten from fifth harbor, all the way here? He couldn’t recall a scheme. No plan in place. How… how had he gotten this lucky?

 

Inej dropped the shirt off her shoulders, her chest bare and nipples peaked against the air.

 

“Soon.” Kaz repeated her earlier promise as his hands slid over the top of her bare thighs appreciatively. He skimmed all the way over the curve of her breasts. She tossed her head back in the morning sun when his fingers stopped to pinch her nipple.

 

No artist could ever possibly paint something so exquisite as Inej bared to the sun. How had he ever thought she was born in shadows, when the light fought for space to land on her skin?

 

Her hips rolled against him, seeking and needy.

 

He hated the pants he wore, the slip of material hiding her center from him. Such innate things that he’d gladly burn if he could. He could feel the heat of her against him, and desperately, he wanted to feel that around him, instead.

 

Cold water didn’t exist, here. Cold water couldn’t be anything but steam, in this room drenched in heat. Rationally, he knew she’d given in to his wish for distraction. Irrationally, he was beyond grateful.

 

“Can I…can I try something?” Inej asked him then, her voice timid.

 

Anything. Anything he thought he could handle. Anything she wanted to give. Anything he could give in return. Anything, before today.

 

“Yes.” His voice came out wrong, all rasp and desire.

 

Inej’s hands gripped over his at her hips only once before she slid off his lap. His eyes followed her, already missing her previous position.

 

He felt desperate, greedy. His pants were too tight, his body incessantly begging for release in more ways than one.

 

As she moved, he was already remembering the taste of her on his lips, imagining how perfect she would look laid down on this bed flooded in golden light, with him between her legs, urging her to call his name with his mouth and yet no words. He wanted to taste her again, feel her again, in the ways he’d finally been able to, after all these years.

 

He was starved for her.

 

Inej was kneeling beside him, a look of concentration on her face.

 

“Can I take these off?” Inej’s thumb hooked into the waistband of his sleep pants.

 

“Yes.” Kaz nodded slowly, unsure what she was going to do. He wanted to make her feel half the pleasure he got from even the brush of her hands against his skin, but yet, he couldn’t deny her. Not when she looked like this. Not when she was looking at him so curiously, nervously. He felt strong.

 

He felt strong in new ways, ways he’d once thought he’d never be able to feel.

 

Inej pulled his pants down, his own hands joining hers to remove them entirely. There was no hiding what she’d done to him in broad daylight, his arousal strong and blissfully free. He tried his best not to shift as Inej looked over his entirely bare body, her gaze hitching on his hips, his cock.

 

“How long has it been since this much of your skin was in sunlight?” She asked softly, her finger dragging gently over his chest, down his stomach, teasingly.

 

“Forever, I’d say.” He mumbled as she traced the area around where he truly wanted her to touch.

 

Inej hummed as she moved once more to kneel between his legs, her eyes raking him over again and again. He did squirm, her lips slanted up.

 

His skin was warm, his heart beat fast. She looked so gentle, so careful. He wanted to crush his lips against her and tell her just how much he loved her. He wanted to stay in this room for a small eternity, making love to her, over and over and over…

 

Soon. Soon. He would drown if he pushed this too far, too fast. Two years it had taken him to be able to taste her. He couldn’t rush them. He could wait a hundred more years, if it promised that they would make it there. Make it to everywhere and everything they wanted so desperately. To a life. To a future.

 

Her lips touched his stomach, just below his navel. His mind stopped functioning, a train coming to a dead halt, screeching down the rails.

 

“I want to try… I want to try to return the favor.” Inej kissed his skin again, his hands fisted into the sheets. She’d never kissed him there, never below his navel. His whole body was an inferno; his heart was pumping faster than it ever had.

 

When her words sunk into him, he almost lost his hold on his breathing. She meant… with her mouth, on him. He’d never let himself even imagine it. Hadn’t known if she’d ever really want to experience that again, even with him. He wouldn’t have blamed her if she never wanted to try this. Never.

 

He forced every bit of desire into the back of his mind, forced his eyes to open and look at her. She was staring up at him, her hands braced on either side of his hips on the bed. Her hair was a dark curtain, the ends pooling against his thighs.

 

Ghezen, he’d remember this moment forever.

 

He didn’t know if he could handle what she wanted to do. Had no idea if the… if the feeling of her mouth on him would cause the revulsion to return. He’d learned to touch her wet, but what if this act, this thing he wanted so badly with her, made him sick?

 

What if she put herself in this position, something he knew had to be more difficult for her than he could imagine, and he reacted by pulling away from her? That would be… that would be the most shame Kaz could surely feel.

 

“Mera Chaar.” Inej shifted up, to sit a little straighter. “Kaz… I don’t know if… I don’t even know if I can do this… but I am ready to try. If you want me to. If now, here, isn’t the right place for you, I understand.” She swirled her engagement ring nervously around her finger. She looked afraid, but… strong.

 

Stronger than him, he was certain.

 

“I want you to, I just don’t… I don’t want to hurt you if it’s too much. For either of us.” Kaz swallowed, the truth bared through tight lips.

 

“You won’t.” Inej said, her voice steeled. He sat up in a swift motion to touch his lips to hers, willing every ounce of gentle he still had left in him to convey to her.

 

Inej pushed him back to the bed, slow and steady, as she kissed back down his chest, her nose touching his skin and tickling him in a strangely delightful way.

 

His mind fell apart when she kissed his thigh, tender and so lovingly. He could feel her breath dusting him, swirling his thoughts and stuttering his heart.

 

She trusted him, so much. He felt it in her steady breathing, her kisses on new parts of him. His hip bone, his belly. She trusted him.

 

He’d earned that trust. It was blinding, that gift.

 

A tidal wave of affection crashed against him as he pried his eyes open to watch her. Inej had been brutalized, hurt and bent. Now she was here, with him, because she wanted to be.

 

So strong. So brave. So much. Everything.

 

Inej reached clumsily at the side of the bed, his own fingers reaching for hers automatically.

 

Together. He understood, immediately, that she needed to feel him holding her, too.

 

“Etma se Saman, Inej.” He whispered as his free hand reached up to brush her dark hair over her shoulder. Her language, he thought, might help. He dropped his hand back to the sheets.

 

“I love you, Kaz.” She kissed his thigh again, she took a deep breath against him.

 

“Don’t… please don’t move your hips. They did that. I have… I have to control it. Don’t… not my hair, either.” Inej voiced to him. His blood heated in rage for a split moment, before her lips touched the head of his cock.

 

Oh.

 

His head fell back against the pillows, his breathing shallow as her tongue darted out to taste him. Oh. Oh.

 

Fuck. His free hand gripped the bed. Do. Not. Move. Hips.

 

Then, her mouth closed over the top of him, took him in.

 

Oh. Oh. Fuck.

 

“Everything that is about to come out of my mouth is going to be horrendously crass, Inej. Apologies.” He gasped when her low chuckle vibrated around his cock.

 

“Fuck, Inej. Fuck.” He groaned breathlessly as her hand gripped the rest of his length, moving in tandem with her mouth.

 

The sin of lust felt like Heaven, and from its embrace Kaz only recalled startlingly clear love. Love of her. Everything she was.

 

He’d been wrong. This could not make him sick. This could single handedly kill him. He’d be grateful. Is this what he’d done to her? Ghezen bless her mouth.

 

Her fingers gripped his tight as she bobbed against him, a low noise from her throat emanating. Inej was… enjoying him?

 

“You taste… you taste so much better than I thought.” She paused to whisper to him.

 

He was going to fall apart. He was going to be in pieces for her. She’d broken him, well and truly. He understood how high of a compliment that was from her.

 

How many battles had they waged to be here? How many firsts had they fought through, just to get here? How many more would they have before they could finally be free?

 

He felt free, when her mouth slipped back over him, her tongue teasing him.

 

“’Nej, ‘Nej, ‘Nej.” He chanted, squeezing her hand.

 

He had to tell her, he couldn’t spill into her mouth. He knew she wouldn’t want that, surely. He would not be one of those assholes in the Menagerie. He couldn’t last another minute, no. Had he even lasted a minute? He couldn’t focus enough to be embarrassed.

 

            “Inej.” He called, opening his eyes to see her watching him intently, her mouth wrapped around his length. It was obscene and tender… words fell out of his mouth, mixing between a very discerning number of curses and her name.

 

            The sight shattered him. He tried to pull away, but she pressed her hand into his hips, keeping him there.

 

            Good fucking Saints.

 

            He groaned her name over and over, his cheeks flushed as he squeezed her hand in his. She squeezed back, never removing her mouth from him. He was sure he’d never made whatever that noise had been, before.

 

            His head fell back once more, pleasure tingling from his toes to his ears.

 

            She swallowed.

 

            He was broken. Unmade. Hers, forever.

 

            “I… I liked that.” Inej laughed breathlessly as she fell to the bed beside him, her hand still in his.

 

            “I uh, what?” Kaz forgot his words. Everything but her name. He pulled her gently in his arms, kissing her shoulders, her neck, anything his lips could find.

 

            Later, he’d realize he’d pulled her against his naked body, her chest as bare as his own. Their naked legs entwined. It would be the realization of a lifetime. Now, he did not even notice. His movements as natural as cards between his fingers, breath in his lungs.

 

            She’d done that, for him. For them. This war was her victory. He loved her. He loved her more than the smell of wheat, more than anything in his entire world. It was so strong; he was proud of them. So proud.

 

            Her choked giggles as he peppered her face in kisses was like the sun on his skin, for the first time in a decade. Decadent and pure glory.

 

            “My turn?” She whispered in question, her voice sly and oh so tempting.

 

            He smirked against her hair. Inej asking him to return the favor, when he could say yes? Fucking spectacular. He loved when she was bold. So fearsome, his girl.

 

            “Obviously.” He grinned viciously as she laughed, his lips already slipping over hers.

 

            The sinner worshipped the only goddess he’d ever recognized, on that bed made of sunlight.

 

 

********* End of Spicy Content! ********

 

            “Kaz.” Inej gasped as she stood in front of the window, her hairbrush hanging limply in her fingers.

 

            Kaz slid his blazer over his shoulders. They’d finally managed to pry themselves from the bed half a bell prior, at nearly noon. Who was he?

 

            Kaz had avoided the window, at all costs. Inej had discovered it, after he’d finally allowed her to clean up and slip from his needy hands. When he turned his head to look at her fully for the first time since he’d returned from the wash room down the hall, he was struck silent for a long moment.

 

            Inej had left her hair free, cascading to her waist in smooth onyx waves. She wore her usual leggings, boots, but now she wore a tight long sleeved top, a deep navy with beads marking it as Suli craftsmanship, the threads of pale yellow and gold winding down the sleeves in delicate vines and swirls. It was striking and a clear reference to her culture, but somehow subtle. Not silk, but warm like cotton. A combination.

 

She looked… she looked free. She looked like Inej, on a sunny morning. Not like a Captain. Not the Wraith. Like the woman. Strong, feminine and all at once fierce.

 

            “What?” He mumbled, trying to convince her of his disinterest of the view. The view behind her.

 

            “It’s… the sky is blue. I can see a blue sky, and we’re on Kerch soil.”

 

            Kaz finally tied his shoes before limping to stand behind Inej, surprised that their window only gave a slight glimpse of the building next door, and the blue sky above, an alley below them.

 

            “This is the view you’re excited about?” Kaz couldn’t help but laugh, more at himself, as he wrapped his arms around her stunned form. He’d avoided the window, for what?

 

            “Kaz. Do you know how rare it is to see the sky like this, in Ketterdam?” She gaped, squirming in his arms.

 

            “Darling, I’ve been a Barrel resident for many years. I am aware of the common weather.” He chuckled again as she huffed.

 

            “It’s blue.” She smiled.

 

            “Mera nadra, It’s always been blue.”

 

            “But now it’s blue with us beneath it. On Kerch soil.” She smiled into their reflections on the window.

 

            Something about her happiness held Kaz’s tongue, kept back his readied quip about the lack of smog, and their land locked position away from the coastal weather systems.

 

            “Can… Can we go?” Inej turned her head up to look at him as best she could. He hugged her closer to him, inhaled her scent one more time.

 

            “Yes. I suppose we can.” He whispered as he let her go.

 

            Not yet, had finally arrived, under a blue sky. Kaz felt a storm brewing within him, and he wondered if he was finally strong enough to tame those waters.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

           

 

            Not a bell later, they’d eaten potatoes, and Kaz had had the best cup of coffee he’d had in years. Realistically, he knew it was no better than any other cup. It was the familiarity it brought him, that forced courage into his weary movements.

 

            They hadn’t seen Sadie, instead, a gruff looking man had simply asked them if they wanted food, offered them coffee. Kaz had returned their room keys to the employee, as well as paid for their night, hoping he’d left enough on the table for their meals both this morning and the night prior.

 

            “I’d wanted to see her again.” Inej mumbled as they swung their bags over their shoulders. Kaz only nodded in response, knowing she spoke of Sadie.

 

            Now, he had to step onto the streets of Lij, in the daylight.

 

            “Ready?” Inej asked as they neared the door, her face bright. He knew she was holding him up without arms.

 

            If Inej had faced Aska Vasman, after everything, he could face a town. This town. He had to. This had been his idea.

 

            He owed it to Jordie to try.

 

            He owed it to his Da.

 

            To himself.

 

 

INEJ

 

            “Saints.” Inej gasped into the unusually warm spring morning. The sun pelted her eyes, and yet, she couldn’t bring herself to squint. She didn’t want to miss a thing.

 

            The street in front of them was alive, with people, horses. Children. Mothers, fathers, husbands and wives. Brothers. Clothes of every kind, gowns on girls and men in unbuttoned shirts. Men in simple jackets, some with ties. Some with dust on their hands, and some women with delicate braids, so similar to Inej’s own. Women in trousers, for once. Kerch, but so new to Inej. She loved it, she craved this place, already. 

 

            The distant call of a boy offering newspapers on the corner grabbed Inej’s attention first as she huddled against the wall to make way for a woman and a buggy carrying a sleeping babe swaddled in blue blankets.

 

            “Good mornin’.” The woman nodded as she passed, her skin radiant and glowing, her simple brown skirts somehow elegant as she flurried past them.

 

            “Kaz.” Inej whispered, turned her head every which way. She took in the cobbled street filled with lower buildings than Ketterdam, some of brick, some of oak and nail. She could smell gardenias wafting from across the street, where an elderly florist watered fresh blooms in simple pots. There was so many… colors. Yet, where the Suli were vibrant amethyst, this place was earthen moss and soft mahogany. Amber and yellow.

 

            It was commotion all around, and yet so much more quiet than Ketterdam. It was like life sunk into the ground, here. Steady and flowing like a river instead of a rapid.

 

            Inej could see a sign for a grocer, swinging in the breeze down the street, it’s metal worn and creaking. She could hear the clop of horseshoes and the rickety trail of carts rounding corners. When she turned to look at Kaz, he was frozen but his eyes moved over every inch.

 

            It was then that Inej noticed he’d not worn a tie. Instead, he’d left the top two buttons of his shirt undone under his blazer. He’d foregone a vest, too. His gloves were still the usual leather, black and supple, but Inej noticed the wear in them. He’d changed them out. He’d worn thinner gloves.

 

            “Welcome to Lij.” Kaz finally whispered, his head turning slowly. His eyes ignited brewed strong tea in the sunlight.

 

            Inej could only smile as she felt his fingers twine with her own as he began to guide them down the street, on a thankfully wide sidewalk. Warmth soaked into her veins, happiness like an old friend she’d almost forgotten the name of.

 

She trusted him to guide them on this journey, to his past.

 

            To… to her future. Their future, maybe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

            Then, a cart almost bowled over a woman in the middle of the street, right in front of them. Inej gasped as they halted, but the cart stopped in time.

 

            “Sorry!” The woman shouted to the cursing cart driver who tried to calm his horse, her voice soft and husky.

 

            When Inej turned her head to try and see the scene better, she realized Kaz had dropped her hand. His eyes locked onto someone in the distance. Inej followed his gaze to the woman in the street.

 

            “Do you know her?” Inej asked softly, hoping to gauge him better as she side stepped a running little girl.

 

            “No.” Kaz lied as he shifted his bag over his shoulder, and promptly walked in the other direction. “Let’s go, we’ll check on horse rental first.” He mumbled.

 

            Had Inej imagined the way his eyes had whispered, “not anymore”?

 

            Inej knew he lied; she paused to look back, once. Inej caught a glimpse of the woman.

 

No person should have been graced with that much beauty. Red hair deeper than Wylan’s, like sun kissed gala apples and rubies. Skin like frost and equally as unblemished. Feminine lips painted the same shade as her hair that was pinned half up, the rest twisting over the shoulder of a simple cotton gown, a boned bodice lined in gray eye-lash lace. A figure like an hour glass, curved and delicate. Soft. She couldn’t have been much older than herself or Kaz, maybe even the same age.

 

She looked like a Saint, Inej thought dimly.

 

            The woman watched Kaz walk away, too, with sapphire eyes lined in glass, her pale hand pressed to her chest in surprise. Her cheeks flushed in rosy blooms.

 

            Inej swore the woman took a step after Kaz, before stopping herself. She shook her head once, before her eyes met Inej’s. Inej felt like a coward as she took off after Kaz. Inej felt the girl’s gaze piercing her back, could feel the wounds those eyes left on her pride.

 

            All at once, Inej realized how many things this slice of the world might have concealed about Kaz. Who was Emilia? Who was the Saint of Lij?

 

How many things might Inej dust off, to hold up to her moon’s light? What secrets might his pale beams reveal to her, under this blue sky?

Notes:

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AHHHHH. I'm nervous, y'all. Was this one bad? I honestly don't know.

Chapter 125: Dandelion Memories

Summary:

Going back.

Notes:

Chapter 125!!!!!

Hi everyone!!! I'm here with the next one!!! AHHHHHHH. AHHHHH. Okay. This one is a tad shorter at 2.7k, but i felt like it needed to be here. If I rushed this story, it wouldn't be this story. Does that make sense? This one was dense to write, but here we are. The next one I've waited for, one of three I can't wait for you to read. I can't wait for you to read this one, either. I hope you love it. I really do.

All I've ever wanted to do was justice for these characters, and I hope I do. I really do. <3

Thank you for eternity for being here, for reading what I write. You saved me, and I just need you to know that.

Please leave a comment if you have the time, they fuel me so much. I love hearing from you guys, more than you know. I read every single one. <3 I know I've been slow getting back, but I just want you to know they mean the absolute world to me, seriously. <3

"Homeland" by Chord Overstreet (Seriously, listen to it, please? <3 I've saved this song for 500k words. LISTEN)

INEJ

 

            “Thank you so much.” Inej beamed as the elderly man passed over the paper bag filled with fruit. Fresh pears, grapes, peaches.

 

            “You’re welcome, lass.” The farmer smiled warmly in return, his accent thick with Kaelish origin.

 

            Inej continued to walk back down the bustling street, her eyes peeled for Kaz. In the past bell, they’d gathered supplies to bring with them to the farm. Food, check. Linens, check. Extra log bundle for firewood in case there was none prepared when they arrived, check. Inej had almost forgotten the incident with the girl earlier that morning, but still the memory swam to the surface of her mind as she ducked out of a couple’s path.

 

            It did not bother Inej that Kaz hadn’t been ready to speak whatever memory had struck him at the sight of the woman. It did not bother her that he’d been quiet for the first half an hour they maneuvered the streets. All that bothered Inej was the mystery; though she knew it was not hers to uncover. It was Kaz’s choice to speak, or not. In Aska Vasman, Inej had not had the ability to keep anything to herself, not whilst surrounded by her family. She wondered if it may have been harder to tell Kaz about her life before Ketterdam, if she were in his shoes.

 

            Of course it would have been. His family… they were here, six feet under. His brother, lost to fifth harbor. Inej had to be patient with Kaz, as she always had been. They would not be them, if they didn’t allow each other that space.

 

            Kaz had granted it to her, time and time again. When she’d seen Charles Hester’s face in the post. When she’d shuddered countless times when he’d spoken too loudly, even if his words were kind. When she’d struggled to walk up the steps to her parents caravan for the first time.

 

            Kaz was like the moon, in all ways. Her moon showed himself, only when he chose. He could not be demanded to shine on her accord. She loved him more for it.

 

            Inej spotted Kaz near the stables at the end of what she now knew to be the main street of Lij.

 

            Kaz Brekker, Barrel Bastard, was leading a horse from the farthest stall, a cart attached to the animal’s back, the wheels creaking against the cobblestones. It was the strangest thing Inej had ever seen. Perhaps one of the happiest.

 

            “Aren’t you both pretty?” Inej crooned as she came up behind him, rejoicing in the rough laugh that escaped Kaz under his breath.

 

            “Yes well, this is Ally. I’m better smelling.” Kaz turned to her, patting the horse on the side of her neck. She was a gorgeous gray mare, twice Inej’s height, or so it felt. Inej had grown up around horses, the soft whinnies a familiar noise of the caravans. These animals quite literally led the Suli on their treks. She loved the gentle creatures, always had.

 

            “Hi there, Ally.” Inej stepped up beside Kaz, shifting the bag of fruit under her arm. The horse huffed an impatient breath as she stamped a hoof, clearly ready to move.

 

            “I got the fruit from a farmer, down on the street.” Inej beamed as she tossed the bag into the back of the cart, just behind the small wooden driver’s bench. “It’s all so fresh, ripe. Even in Ketterdam it’s been imported and days old. I can’t wait for this.”

 

            Kaz’s lips quirked once as he shrugged off his blazer and tossed it on the cart. He mumbled something about how they’d have Ally and the cart for as long as they stayed, before he busied his hands with adjusting Ally’s harness. He was a natural, Inej recognized.

 

            Kaz had done this with horses before. He’d attached a cart, before. Ally seemed to recognize his abilities, too. He hushed her gently when he pulled gently on her reins, ensuring every fixture was sturdy.

 

 Inej was frozen as she watched Kaz, with his sleeves rolled up, his shirt lacking a tie. His pale cheeks slightly flushed under the sunshine.

 

            His hair tossed around in the breeze as he organized their small hoard of supplies in the back of the cart. She was mesmerized.

 

            “What?” He finally looked up to her, leaning on his cane.

 

            “Just… you look good.” Inej muttered lamely. How, after these years, was he capable of making her blush from his simple existence, his shape in this plain of the world? What magic did this man hold?

 

            His eyes danced over her once before he lurched himself up onto the cart, tucking his cane securely by his feet. His gloved hand was held out to her before she even realized.

 

            “Come on or else Ally here is going to leave without us.” Kaz mumbled, his eyes flashing in amusement at her stupor.

 

            Inej reached forward, her hand enclosed in his as he lifted her up off her feet and into the cart beside him. She yelped as she landed onto the seat. She had not expected him to lift her up.

 

            She knew this might be the last time she saw him smile today. She watched him grin as she laughed, his smirk brimming with pride in surprising her.

 

            She knew, this was it. This was the moment that Kaz Brekker had dreaded since he’d been nine years old. Since even before his brother had died. Kaz had walked away from their destination with a cracked heart, only to have it obliterated in Ketterdam.

 

            Was he returning now, with all of his pieces? Would this break his heart, all over again? No. She wouldn’t let it happen. She was here, even if Jordie was not.

 

            Inej couldn’t stop staring as their cart glided into traffic on the street, her eyes should have been taking in every detail of Lij, but instead, she memorized his face.

 

            Memorized the slant of his lips, his harsh jawline that she traced every night. His delicate ears that always heard her, no matter how silent she became.

 

            She memorized Kaz exactly as he was, and prayed to the Saints. She prayed to a boy at the bottom of fifth harbor. She prayed to Elena and Bram Rietveld, to give her avri strength.

 

            She prayed that tonight, when she laid down her head in a new place, that Kaz would be at peace, beside her.

 

            She prayed for Kaz, silently, in a jostled wagon.

 

            She prayed that on the horizon, nestled in stocks of wheat, Kaz would only find healing.

 

 

KAZ

 

            “The road is probably going to be bumpy.” He mumbled to Inej as they neared the street that would fade into dirt, exiting the town of Lij proper.

 

            Ally’s reins in his hands felt good. Grounding. He was still in control. He was still in control.

 

            “Kaz. I’m Suli. I grew up on rocky trails.” She replied with a chuckle.

 

Kaz let his eye stray to the shops around them. A post office. A bakery that scented the street in a cloud of lemon. A seamstress shop, with an “opening soon!” sign hanging in the window. New things. Old things.

 

            He remembered so much of this place. More than he’d thought. He’d never lived in Lij proper, but some of his earliest memories were still in this town. He remembered his Da dropping off orders to some of the shop owners. He remembered being told if he was a good helper to Da and Jordie on the deliveries, he could pick out some caramel apples at the bakery for on the way home.

 

            “Kaz! Pick the biggest ones!” Jordie’s voice drifted amongst the commotion of the streets. A decade ago, and yet his brother’s voice echoed.

 

            “Share with your Da.” His father stole a bite as Kaz pouted like the child he was on the way home.

 

            He could remember his Da’s face, clearer here. His father always smelled like wheat, but Kaz remembered how he always smelled like home, too. Like their house. Marigolds, coffee, a hint of soil that was always being tracked up the porch by all the boys who lived there. Da used to say that Mama would have had a fit.

 

            “Kaz? Did you hear me?” Inej asked as he steered Ally around the corner. He kept his eyes only on the few feet in front of them, now. He wasn’t ready to feel the cart bump onto the dirt road, the opposite direction of the way he and Inej had arrived the night prior. Toward… toward the farm.

 

            He was glad Inej had convinced him to stay in town last night. He’d rather face ghosts in sunlight rather the night. Despite that he knew ghosts would still be ghosts, day or dark.

           

            Haunting had no time limitations.

 

            “No, sorry.” Kaz mumbled, twisting the reins around his gloved fingers. He swatted the memories away with a crack of his neck.

 

            “I asked if you remember a man named Daan Tiers?” Inej asked him softly. His eyes betrayed him by glancing at her. The wind was lifting her hair, the sun still painting her in a glowing sort of hue.

 

            She’s here. You aren’t alone. She came with you. Ketterdam at least did that for you. Ketterdam gave you everything, even if it took everything.

           

            Kaz twisted the name around in his head, grateful for the distraction. It rang no bells.

 

            “No, why?” Kaz hummed as he halted Ally to let a family cross the street.

 

            “That was the man at Sadie’s last night, he stopped me on the stairs because he wanted me to tell you he was sorry.” Inej shrugged but he felt her eyes assessing him.

 

            “He probably worked for my father. We had a decently large staff, and Da was friends with many of them. I was nine, though. Half the time I remembered the hands by whether or not they carried candy in their pockets, Inej.” He smirked as she threw her head back in laughter.

 

            “You were always meant to be a little pick pocket, weren’t you?” She choked as they began moving once more.

 

            “I meant they gave the candy to Jordie and I freely, shevrati.” He quipped, throwing her own word back at her.

 

            “Oh, Saints. Say it again, but with more throat.” Inej laughed. He frowned and she laughed harder.

 

            “Sincerely, it was a good effort, mera chaar.” She smiled as he rolled his eyes.

 

            “I appreciate the apology, I guess.” Kaz muttered with a shrug of his shoulder, returning to the man she spoke of. He couldn’t bring himself to really care. The man had called him a liar. Kaz was, but not here. Not about who his father was. Not here.

 

            “He said something else… I think he misspoke, though.” Inej hummed as her eyes flicked to the clear blue sky. It was warm for early spring, with a gentle breeze. Perfect. Kaz breathed deeper, his lungs grateful.

 

            “What did he say?” Kaz asked.

 

            “He said you looked like Emilia. You told me your mother was Elena.” Inej answered, her lip between her teeth as she contemplated.

 

            Kaz had never heard that name before.

 

            “He probably just got confused. She died twenty years ago, both names begin with an ‘E’. Probably just a faulty memory, Inej.”

 

            “He said you should talk to her, though. That’s pretty strange.” Inej hummed.

 

            “Maybe he thought of someone else.” Kaz answered, though the name stuck in his mind.

 

            He’d never heard of an Emilia. Old man just got his mother’s name confused. Logical explanation. He couldn’t bring himself to care as the cart skipped over a bump.

 

            The road ended, and their cart landed on dirt.

 

            He tried to remind his lungs to gulp the fresh air. He felt sweat on his neck, his hands inside his gloves. Nerves began to sizzle under his skin, over cooked and angry.

 

            There would be no more distractions. A couple of miles separated him from the farm. The last time he’d been on this road, there had been no cart and horse, only Jordie’s hand in his as he kicked pebbles in the dirt, with tears for his father on his cheeks.

 

            “We’ll be okay, Kaz. Here.” Jordie said as he plucked a dandelion from the side of the road and handed it to Kaz’s little fingers.

 

            “It’s dead, Jordie.”

 

            “Yeah, but dead doesn’t mean gone. Blow on it, how Da showed us.” Jordie smiled for him. Kaz huffed, but did as his brother said.

 

            Off on the wind, his dandelion exploded.

 

            “See? Da’s like the dandelion, now.” Jordie explained, very serious. Little Kaz didn’t understand.

 

            “How?” Kaz thought back to the fresh dirt, back on the hill where his Da was buried. Kaz had put his toy Dog by the headstone. He’d miss Rusty, but maybe his Da and Mama needed his friend more. He didn’t want them to be lonely while he and Jordie were in Ketterdam.

 

            “Da isn’t in the ground, Kaz. He’s on the wind, all around us. That’s what I think.” Jordie gripped Kaz’s hand tighter as they walked.

 

            “Does he get to fly, Jordie?”

 

            “Oh yeah, he sure does, Kaz. Right now, he’s laughing because he’s messing up your hair.”

 

            Kaz laughed until his belly hurt, for the first time since Da died. He squeezed Jordie’s hand, too.

 

He swore he felt his Da’s fingers on the breeze.

 

            “Kaz.” Inej whispered beside him, her jaw slack, her eyes wider than he’d ever seen. He followed her gaze outward.

 

            Green. Fields unblemished as far as they could see, little groves of trees dotted the hills in the distance. Over the hill, Kaz knew she would love that.

 

            For the first time, Kaz urged Ally to move a little faster.

 

            “You can see the sky. You can see all of the sky.” Inej whispered as she tilted her head up and breathed deeply.

 

            “I never thought I’d find this on land.” She mumbled, the smile on her face brighter than the sun above them.

 

            “Find what, Inej?” He whispered, barely paying the scene around them any attention. She was the view he’d thought he’d never find.

 

            “Freedom.” She replied, her tone reverent.

 

            “Inej, look.” He urged her as Ally crept over the top of the hill.

 

            Her eyes glanced to him before she looked ahead once more.

 

            “Saints.” She leaned forward almost imperceptibly.

 

            Kaz had counted on the wildflowers being in bloom. All around them, these fields were wild. Buttercups, yellow and gold. Tulips. Pink, lavender, sky blue. The rainbow of Kerch, the farmers called it. What his Da had called these fields.

 

            “They… oh, Kaz.” She jostled in the seat, her head turning again and again.

 

            He smiled as he stopped Ally in the middle of the road.

 

            “Kaz!” Inej called as he hopped off the cart, paying no mind to his angry knee.

 

            Before she could join him, he was returning, a bundle of tulips in his fingers, picked from the side of the road.

 

            “If we’d been normal, I’d have given you these a thousand times by now.” He whispered as he handed them up to her.

 

            “You can give them to me a thousand times in the future.” She smiled as she took the blooms in hand, held them to her nose. Her blush was worth the jump from the cart.

 

            “I thought maybe you’d like them, while we’re here.” He shrugged as he climbed back up, taking Ally’s reins once more.

 

            “Tulips. My second favorite flower.” Inej grinned a private little smile, before he felt her lips brush his cheek, soft and quick.

 

            “Noted, mera nadra.”

 

            She’d distracted him, one more time.

 

            It was the last time, as Ally began to move around the bend, after the fields of wildflowers.

 

            Wheat fields signaled farming country.

 

            Wheat fields called out to Kaz Rietveld, deep in his fleshed prison.

 

            Wheat fields called out his name, with brushing stocks and choked whispers.

 

            He could have sworn his Da’s fingers were there, again, gripping the reins, holding him to this course.

 

 

 

 

            Then, it was there. A dot on the horizon of afternoon gold. The Rietveld farm.

 

Seven generations old, waiting for the eighth to return.

 

 

 

Kaz didn’t drown. He was buried alive, out on those hills. Deep inside him, Rietveld picked up a shovel.

Notes:

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Chapter 126: Autumn Blooms

Summary:

Kaz remembers how to stand up.

Notes:

Chapter 126!!!!

Guys. Oh my god. I'm here. We're here. We are here!!!!! *cries in author of 500k that has imagined this since word 2*
I just can't believe it. I can't wait for you to read this. I couldn't help but smile as I wrote this note... It's just.... I never imagined we'd make it here. I mean I knew I wanted to write it, but I never imagined you'd be here to read it. I hope you love it. I really do. We couldn't rush here, and I hope... I hope it makes it all that much more important.

Thank you with every word I've ever written. Thank you for being here. Thank you for the eternity you've given me in these pages of adventure and love. I can't wait to write for a lifetime. I hope you'll stick with me till the end. <3

I'd love to hear from you guys on this one, specifically. I really would. I broke my own heart and put it back together with this one, more than once. I really... I just want to know it landed with you all. If you can, know you'll fuel this little author's novel-page fragile soul. <3

"Be Scared With Me" by Canyon City (The end. PLEASE I BEG)

INEJ

 

            Kaz had dropped Ally’s reins, and the horse had stopped in the middle of the road. Inej could feel the breeze on her cheeks, but she felt a cold tide at her ankles.

 

            Kaz wasn’t breathing. His eyes were focused on a dirt road turn off ahead, and Inej knew. She knew they’d reached the Rietveld farm. She hadn’t glimpsed anything but a roof from the distance and she suspected a decent length road existed between the wheat fields to her right and the farm proper. Kaz had said it was a good way off the main road to the farms. It didn’t matter; they had all but arrived.

 

            “Kaz?” Inej whispered, turning on the driving bench to look at him better.

 

            He didn’t answer, his fair skin had paled impossibly lighter. He looked like he might be ill, a drop of sweat shined in the sun against his brow. Inej felt her ribs clench her heart, a bracket of armor that she wished she could rip out and add to Kaz’s own chest, to wrap around that heart she’d found inside him. She wanted to protect that heart; fiercely.

 

            The heart of wide open spaces, and cramped corners of an attic. A heart made of dusk and dawn. A twilight soul, smoothed in shades of fog and brazen juniper greens alike.

 

            Inej watched silently as he gasped a breath. He might faint. She’d seen him faint before, once. She remembered a packed tight prison wagon and rickety wheels. This wagon was different. He was different. She was different.

 

            “Remember the prison wagon?” She said suddenly to him, the question jarring enough that his eyes actually flicked to her between shallow breaths. Ally whinnied softly, sensing her guide’s distress.

 

            “They thought I was a Shu boy. How ridiculous.” Inej said with a scoff.

 

She kept talking. About anything that came to her mind. She mentioned how she’d have to put her tulips in water. Told Kaz how she was irritated that she’d forgotten to pack her favorite whetstone for her knives. Told him silly things, such as how she hadremembered to pack a novel she’d bought before they’d left Ketterdam; one she thought he might enjoy about the first voyagers to Kerch from the Wandering Isles.

 

            “It sounds… good.” Kaz mumbled, sometime later. Only after she’d told him the entire synopsis from the back of the book by best memory. She didn’t know how long she spoke, how long Ally had been patient with them, nibbling on grasses growing within her reach. She would have gone on forever, if it helped him to stay afloat.

 

            Inej could only inhale a relieved breath, he spoke. He spoke!

 

            “Can I read it, when you’re done?” Kaz asked quietly, his hands in his lap twisting together. He was beginning to breathe evenly, once more. She noted the return of his pallor to his cheeks, the way he wet his lips.

 

            “How about we trade off and compare thoughts? I read a chapter, then you?” Inej smiled softly, trying not to grin like a fool. She’d helped him. She remembered when he’d asked her to keep talking.

 

She’d learned, in these years together, to read him. He hadn’t been able to ask her this time, but still, they’d won. The water dripped off the sides of their little cart in the Kerch countryside, sinking into the soil, and returning to hell.

 

“Alright.” He nodded, his voice graveled and strong. Kaz had returned to her, and there were no more words needed between them. His eyes relayed his gratitude, gentle and loving.No one ever would have believed her if she told them that Kaz’s eyes were capable of immense softness, so out of sorts with his harsh edges. She loved knowing this secret. Their secret.

 

“Let me drive Ally.” Inej wiggled her fingers for the reins. His brow raised as he looked at her from the corner of his eye, she caught the slight twitch of his lip as he restrained a smile.

 

“No.”

 

“No?” Inej gaped, mock shock on her face.

 

“You don’t know where we’re going.” He smirked, then.

 

“I’ll get us well and truly lost. I do this for us, Kaz.” She grinned as a stony chuckle escaped his lips as he flicked up the reins once more.

 

“No, I can’t get lost out here.” Kaz mumbled, his smile faltering.

 

“Fine. Then tell me something I do not know.” Inej replied smoothly, leaning back in the seat. She was determined to keep him here with her, above the tide. The water would obey her.

 

To her surprise, he didn’t argue. They hadn’t played this game in weeks, and all at once, Inej couldn’t wait to find out another one of his secrets. To hear him speak, in that way he only ever did to her.

 

“Do you see that rock, just up there?” Kaz nodded in a general direction, just as Ally began to pull the cart forward once more, toward the turn off.

 

Inej squinted her eyes, then she saw a boulder jutting from the ground at the curve of the road. She nodded, confused.

 

“I scraped my knee on that rock when I was six, and my Da laughed because apparently, he scraped his own knee on the same rock as a boy. He said and I quote “we don’t touch the boulder, Kaz. It’s hungry for Rietveld blood.”” Kaz’s eyes glinted in fondness as they neared the boulder in question.

 

It was not large, half her height, but even Inej could tell how a child might think to climb its rough surface on a walk. She found herself smiling, wondering if in some diluted reality, would the boulder call to a mix of Rietveld and Ghafa? A climber that child would be, she imagined. She shook the thought from her mind quickly, only for it to flutter down her spine to the hidden compartments of her chest.

 

“It’s also the marker. The beginning of the Rietveld property line is when we turn here. That’s why there’s an “R” carved into the surface.”

 

Inej’s breath hitched as they turned. The ‘R’. It was… it was like Kaz’s tattoo. It was even a similar penmanship to his ink.

 

Then, she understood. The ‘R’ for Rietveld. The ‘R’ on his arm. His territory, his name. The marker extended to Kaz, wherever he was. It was never just his initial. His skin was his. His only home.

 

“Wait… if this side of the road is part of the property…” Inej began.

 

“Yes, the field we just passed on the right, that’s all part of the farm.” Kaz finished for her.

 

How vast was the farm?

 

“Large.” Kaz answered her unspoken question as the breeze swirled the wheat beside their bumping transport.

 

“How large?” Inej questioned, her hand reaching over the side of the cart into the long stalks, the wheat’s whisper against her skin felt like a secret. Quiet, murmuring, held dearly.

 

“Six fields, an orchard, garden, yard, barn and pasture.” Kaz listed. She turned her head to look at him, his knuckles had to be white under his gloves. Still, he held the reins steady.

 

The wheat whispered on, and they stayed silent, then.

 

In the distance, Inej thought she heard laughter. Laughter of the dead, and laughter of the living soul beside her, in the past. A boy before he was bent, yet never truly broken. Kaz never yielded.

 

Her lungs filled with affection as unyielding as her avri.

 

Kaz took a deep breath as Ally crested the small hill in the road, revealing a copse of trees in the distance, leaves of emerald singing in the wind.

 

Behind those trees, the path narrowed and split off in several directions, but Inej couldn’t turn her head to follow them. Her eyes had locked on one thing.

 

There was the white house on the hill, surrounded by homely aspens. A soft exhale lilted the wheat, relief and kindness spun in golden stalks.

 

Inej exhaled, too. Kaz copied her. Then, he urged Ally on toward the temporal path between the past, present, and future.

 

 

KAZ

 

            He pulled Ally to a stop, next to the same loyal post in the ground he remembered.

 

            Kaz couldn’t look at Inej. Couldn’t look up to the house, a hundred yards away. He thought he was going to puke, just from the old notches in the horse post.

 

            His Da had made them, just to give the horses lead a snugger hold while giving them freedom to graze until he brought them to the stables.

 

            Kaz leapt from the cart, his feet landing on the same soil he’d been born on, for the first time in a decade.

 

            Sweat curled the hair at the back of his neck, his hands felt slippery in the leather. He ripped the gloves off and tossed the infernal things to the ground in an angry motion as he tried to tie Ally’s lead to the post.

 

            Breathing felt like pain. Acid climbed up his throat. His eyes refused to focus as his hands shook. If he was lucky, Inej would be too busy looking around to notice.

 

            He was not lucky.

 

            “Kaz,” Her voice called to him once more, honeyed and steeled at the same time.

 

            “I’m fine.” He growled as he fumbled the lead for the third time.

 

            “I’m not looking until you do, mera chaar.” Inej whispered as she stepped up beside him, gently taking the lead from his clumsy fingers. She did not touch his skin. The motion made him realize the newness of this wrong feeling.

 

            He was not drowning. He was panicking without the brush of cold water. He was burning and sweating. His stomach was leaping and twisting, shouting against his nerves. Something wrong, human and unsettled, that had nothing to do with fifth harbor.

 

            Then, Kaz walked away as fast as he could from Inej, to the nearest and unlucky patch of grass beside the drive way. He lost all the coffee he’d drunk that morning. His breakfast.

 

            “Kaz!” Inej was walking toward him, concern underlining the letters of his name. He held out a hand behind him to stop her, even as he stood bent, one hand on his good knee to keep him standing.

 

            A moment later, he felt a water flask brush his fingers. He hadn’t heard her run back to the cart. It shouldn’t have surprised him.

 

            “Thanks.” He mumbled as he rinsed his mouth before chugging the entirety of the flask.

 

            Kaz felt weak. Disturbed. He hadn’t even looked at the house, let alone gone inside. How could he do this?

 

            He had to. He… he still wanted to.

 

            “You didn’t see it, but I almost did the same thing when we reached Aska Vasman. You’d already walked around the edge of the wagon, but I thought I was going to lose it.” Inej admitted to him softly, his eyes still closed as he caught his breath. He knew she was behind him, several paces away. She was also right; he hadn’t seen her in that moment at Aska Vasman.

 

            “Do you know what helped?” Inej asked.

 

            Kaz shook his head, though he could guess. Aska Vasman was different, her family had still been there. They’d been surrounded by people; they had helped her. Out here, he and Inej were the only souls for miles, save for the flitters of spirits he was certain must be engrained into the timber of the house. Into this soil.

 

            “You. I know it was different, because… because my parents were there. My family. But it was you that kept me tethered. I am sure that one day I would have been able to face them on my own, but I don’t think I could have done it the way that I did if I hadn’t had you there, beside me. It was the look on your face, seeing Aska Vasman through new eyes, that reminded me of its beauty. That it wasn’t just the place I’d been stolen from.”

 

            Kaz listened to the sway of her voice, the hint of her accent, the warmth emanating from her intimate confession to him.

 

            He looked up, out to the fields in front of the house. A view he’d imagined seeing again, from the moment he’d turned his back on it. He could almost see himself and Jordie, walking down the same dirt road they’d just come from. The check in Jordie’s pocket. Their little suitcases.

 

            “Kaz, do you know what I tell myself when I’m afraid?” Jordie’s voice brushed against his mind, a memory of a night he’d had nightmares in their little boarding room in Ketterdam. It had only been a few days after they’d arrived in the city.

 

            “What?” Kaz asked in the darkness, his throat tight from his tears.

 

            “I tell myself to pretend I’m the older me. That someday in the future, I’ll be thinking back and laugh, knowing I figured it out. I was safe. I pretend I’m already him.”

 

            “What am I like when I’m old, Jordie?”

 

            “You? You’re fearless, Kaz.”

 

            Kaz smiled at the wooden ceiling, mouthing the word over and over, until Jordie fell back asleep, his breathing deep and even beside him.

 

            Kaz was that older self, now. Here he was, watching his past self-teeter away from the farm, hand in hand with a brother that wouldn’t be there, come summer.

 

            Somehow, his mouth had begun moving again. Fearless. Fearless. Fearless.

 

            You taught me, Jordie. I’m older now. I can do it. I made it here.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

INEJ

 

            Kaz was quiet as they began to walk toward the house. She kept glancing at him, rather than the world around her.

 

            He’d panicked. He’d gotten back up. She willed her pride in him into her eyes every time he glanced at her. They’d left Ally to graze, leaving their things in the cart for now. Kaz had only stopped to procure his cane, his knee clearly protesting his run to be sick.

 

            Finally, Kaz’s eyes looked up toward the house. She followed suit. Air flew from Inej’s lungs as she finally allowed herself to really look around her.

 

            The trees dotted the green grass around the yard before the house, leaves clapping softly. The path leading to the house had been laid with soft dirt, well-kept despite the lack of use. To her right, she glimpsed another gentle hill in the distance, a huge oak reaching to the sky atop it. She inhaled the warm wheat scent on every breath.

 

            Cicadas. She could hear them in the long grasses leading toward the crop fields proper. A flutter danced in Inej’s stomach as Kaz reached for her hand, his own bare and warm to the touch. She felt his thumb run across her palm, a silent gesture to ask her to slow down.

 

            She tossed him an apologetic smile as she watched the late afternoon sun glimmer through the trees.

 

            “The vines need to be trimmed.” Kaz muttered under his breath as he ceased walking. Inej didn’t understand until she looked ahead of them. They were in front of the house, seemingly all of the sudden.

 

            Inej felt her eyes widen as she looked onto Kaz’s childhood home, painted buttery white in the dripping spring sun.

 

            The porch wrapped around the entirety of the house, a delicate railing with slightly peeled paint. Three wooden steps would lead them to a wide front door, bordered by windows. A hook hung by the door, an unlit lantern swayed beneath.

           

            The house faced southeast, and Inej knew that these windows would flood with light in the mornings. Two stories. She could see a couple windows above the porch roof. All the glass square and gridded into smaller square panes. Navy blue shutters, weather worn, yet still holding on to their true hue.

 

            It was not an opposing home, simple and quaint. It was perfect. Perfect for what? Inej had no idea, except that she knew it was. Deep in her bones, roots sprang forth.

 

            “Kaz…” She gaped for potentially the thousandth time since they’d left Ketterdam.

 

            “It’s… It’s about the same as I remember.” He said quietly, as if the very words had struggled to escape his lips.

 

            “It’s…” Inej began as she released a wistful sigh up to the house. She understood why the Reitvelds’ had not been nomadic, all at once.

 

            “Ours.” Kaz answered as he stared up at the house, his house.

 

            “Ours?” Inej stuttered, glancing between his eyes and the steps. His eyes shifted to hers, soil deep and turned. Certainty lined his irises.

 

            “You’re going to be my wife, Inej. Ours.” His cheek deepened, his dimple appeared.

 

            “I never thought I’d have one.” Inej beamed up at the house.

 

            “Have what?” Kaz asked, his fingers squeezing tight around hers.

 

            “A house that stays still.” Inej’s eyes felt wet as she looked at the empty window boxes, the slightly crooked trellis covered in vines along the side of the porch.

 

            “Why are you crying?” Kaz whispered, closer than he was before, his hand still firmly in hers.

 

She knew he wasn’t okay, but still, she felt his protectiveness cover her shoulders as if he’d pulled her against him, holding them both steady.

 

            “Because I never realized I wanted one; it’s not the Suli way.” Inej replied softly. “But I think… I think I always wanted one. With you. Not in the city.”

 

            “I hadn’t realized my map had been missing a piece.” She whispered as she felt his arms encompass her from behind, his chin rested on her head, his arms draped over her shoulders to clasp his hands in front of her, his cane hanging limply from his fingers. She leaned back into him, surprised he wanted her near, now.

 

            Surprised in the best way.

 

            “What if you hate the inside? I have no idea… I don’t know what the residents may have done to it when Jordie and I sold it off. We sold everything we had, with it. They could have gotten rid of everything.” Kaz mumbled against her hair.

 

            “Then we choose something new. Together. Just like every home we somehow have.” Inej smiled, just as the sun sank lower, behind the house. The last rays caught their skin, dusting them in warmth.

 

            “How did that happen, Inej?” He asked against her, his breath tickled her ear.

 

            “The Saints smiled on us?” She tried with happy tears, tears that choked her laugh. She smiled like the blushing bride she intended to be, when she felt his chest move with a near silent chuckle behind her.

 

            “My little Suli idealist.” He whispered with a kiss to her head, firm and strong.

 

Still, she felt his nerves radiating. Yet, he smiled for her. She wondered when she’d earned that. She felt honest luck well up in her veins.

 

            “Inside?” Inej asked as he disentangled himself from her.

 

            His breath was deep and determined as he gazed toward the door, his jaw set and locked. He nodded.

 

 

 

 

KAZ

 

            Three steps.

 

            Three. Three people who should have been here.

 

            Bram Rietveld.

           

            Elena Rietveld.

 

            Jordan Rietveld.

 

            Four in the family, one remained.

 

            The bottom step still creaked, as it had for his entire childhood. The sound was cataclysmic, a bomb going off. Kaz almost expected the house to fall to dust, an illusion of a sick nightmare he’d wake from back in Ketterdam, running a fever and alone.

 

            Then, Inej’s fingers were on the railing beside him, walking up the steps, shoulder to shoulder. Real. It was real.

 

            Kaz gripped the key in his pocket, brass and old. Never used. He’d hired the caretaker of the house grounds back when he’d bought the property back, and had sent a letter of demands for the house. The man had sent him a key, when the locks had been changed.

 

            Kaz moved forward to the door, one more steady stream of fresh air into his lungs. The lock clicked as he twisted the old brass handle. Were his brother’s fingerprints still smeared into this metal?

 

            “Do you want me to open it?” Inej asked softly. Kaz shook his head once before he pushed the door open, staring at his boots instead of what lay ahead. He gestured for Inej to go first.

 

            As she began to cross the threshold, Inej paused.

 

            “I thought you said they bloomed in autumn?” Inej quirked her head to Kaz. He followed her eyes to the flower box just below the kitchen window, only a few feet from them down the porch.

 

            A single marigold had bloomed, it’s feathery petals proud and ruffled. Orange like the sunset above the fields. His mother’s flowers. The ones Da would cut, and place in a vase on the table. Her favorites.

 

            Autumn blooms in the heart of spring. Kaz stared at that triumphant bloom, even as Inej hummed to herself and took her first steps into the Rietveld home.

 

            As Kaz followed Inej, he paused once more.

 

            “Hey, Mama.” Kaz Rietveld whispered, as if the flower could carry his words down into its soil, all the way out to the hill to her grave.

 

            “I came home.”

Notes:

Socials!:

tiktok: @ravenyenn19

tumblr: @ravenyenn19

The map of my heart led me here, to all of you. I hope this one does Kaz & Inej justice, on their own mapped courses.

Chapter 127: Digging Graves

Summary:

A secret.

Notes:

Chapter 127!!!!

Hi everyone! Okay. So. This one is longer at about 5.5k. It's also some of the most dense writing I've done in this story. I don't know how to explain it. It's... ugh. I struggled. I also don't know about the quality. I've had a few of these chapters that have held me in a chokehold and this is one of them. I almost broke this into two chapters because it's such a baddie, but I couldn't. I don't know. I just... oof. I'm a little nervous wreck. Seriously. I just hope you all love it, I really do. This one has been a very very very long time coming.

Thank you forever for being patient with me. For being here. I love you all more than the stars and I just really hope i get this right. I couldn't write this story as much as I do if it wasn't for you guys. I hope you know that. <3

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE leave me a comment. Please. I'm desperate because of how much I tore my hair out over this one. Pleassssseeeeeee. I'm not above graveling because I truly feel like my quality is meh here and also also also I just want to gush over something in this chapter with you guys. PLEASE.

"Hear You Me" by Jimmy Eat World (The whole chapter. The whole chapter. The vibe. Listen dang it.)

INEJ

 

            The first thing Inej noticed as she stepped inside Kaz’s childhood home was the scent. It was slight, worn down by dust and closed windows, but it was Kaz.

 

            There was the hint of cinnamon she always smelled on his skin, even the confined air seemed to hold onto it. Inej wondered, then, if places remembered people, too.

 

            She felt Kaz behind her, but she knew he’d paused at the door. She didn’t blame him, she’d paused at her parent’s caravan too, and that place had still held her family inside.

 

She knew what it was like to walk into the grave of your innocence willingly, knew what it was like to inhale the soil of broken hearts and spirits.

 

            White sheets covered was Inej could conjure as a sofa, in the open living space beside the front door. In the corner, another sheet covered something large, a ghostly rectangle in the slanting light from the windows on the far wall. The sun was beginning to descend, but sheer curtains still obstructed Inej’s view of the back of the house. On the large wall to her right sat a warm red brick hearth, laden in dust and ashen memories of roaring flames.

 

            The floor creaked as she stepped, in the way old houses always did. Something about it made her smile. The floors were a dark wood, clearly old, and yet Inej noticed the shine of lacquer. Someone had cared for these floors since Kaz had left, clearly. The walls were a simple worn white, some places whiter than others. The scars of removed artwork.

 

            Inej couldn’t help herself from gravitating toward the sheer curtains. Her fingers twitched in wanting, desperate to let the sunset flood this home. She paused as she stepped up to them, dimly noting the staircase on the left, an open door at the bottom.

 

            “Open them.” Kaz’s voice rasped from behind her, somewhere in the shadow of dusk.

 

            Inej’s lips curved into a gentle smile as she slid the curtains open, with the fabric’s flutter, her breath was snatched from her lungs.

 

            Out the window, beyond the wrap around porch all the way on the back of the house, the world was gilded in supreme gold, auburn brush strokes of artist Saints.

 

These were the wheat fields of the Rietveld farm, stretching into the benevolent flames of a dying day.

 

The click of Kaz’s cane on the hardwood reminded her heart to beat. Reminded her to breathe.

 

“This… this is magic.” Inej swallowed a laugh, her eyes scouring the distance like a bird in the sky.

 

“Is it?” Kaz asked, his words stoic and pierced with something Inej recognized as pain.

 

Inej turned her head, his hands were folded over his cane, his posture straight as his eyes narrowed on the horizon. She noticed the tightness of his jaw, the drop of amber threatening his mask at the corner of his dark eyes. Her heart reached for him, her lips continued to hold that fragile smile.

 

“Yes.” Inej answered, a simple truth.

 

“Sometimes, little girl, our truth is easy. Like breathing. Sometimes, our truth is harder for others to understand. Tell it to them anyways.” Papa’s words from a lifetime ago fluttered through Inej’s mind, her heart.

 

Kaz inhaled, eyes still fixed on the horizon.

 

            “I used to think so.” He said quietly, throat bobbing in a swallow. “Maybe… maybe, I could think so again.”

 

            Inej felt his fingers brush hers, a silent plea.

 

            With entwined fingers, they turned around.

 

 

KAZ

 

            The piano in the corner, hidden under a sheet. The buyers had never gotten rid of it.

 

            The chipped bricks on the hearth, never replaced.

 

            The Suli woman tying her hair up with a leather cord… she was brand new. She made Kaz feel like fresh lacquer, shined and clean.

 

            He held onto that feeling as he watched Inej lift a sheet on the sofa. From where he stood, he couldn’t tell if it was the same one he’d grown up with or something the tenants had left before he’d bought the farm back. He didn’t care.

 

            “I’ll show you around.” Kaz’s words came out clipped and harsh, but the moment he let his eyes wander to the stairs leading to the bedrooms, he suddenly needed a distraction.

 

Anything to stopper the stream of water in his ears.

 

            Inej tilted her head to him, her eyes studied him for a long moment before she gestured for him to lead the way.

 

            He tried his best to use his cane lightly. He didn’t want to damage the floors. He’d not had a cane… last time he was here. It was a ridiculous thought. It was all so… ridiculous. Unbelievable.

 

            “The bathroom,” Kaz mumbled without pushing open the door near the front of the house. He’d told Inej that the house was fitted with plumbing, the property had its own fresh water well. One of the things he’d had the caretaker manage in these years was the installation of the heating pipes, Kaz had also ordered him to ensure everything was functioning. He would simply not go without hot water again. Gone was that wash basin, and Kaz had never wanted to go back.

 

            Inej didn’t push the door open, either. Instead, she stayed quiet beside him. Her presence filled the voided silence, drowned out the soft whispers of laughter in his memories. If Kaz looked back at the windows, he half expected he’d find his Da sitting out on the porch steps, puffing on his pipe, smiling at the sunset.

 

            Kaz could almost hear Jordie and his younger self, rushing down the stairs after their dog, Timber.

 

            A creak of the door they’d left open made Kaz shiver, his eyes darted over his shoulder.

 

            “The wind.” Inej reassured him before she gently pushed the front door shut.

 

            He was ridiculous. He was a man, now. This was just a house, like any other. There was nothing Kaz Brekker couldn’t handle. He was confidence incarnate. And he was that, wasn’t he? Kaz Brekker?

 

            Fearless. Fearless. Fearless.

 

            Inej walked beside him as he led her past the stairs, toward the kitchen. As she strode past him into the average sized room, he paused again. His chest tightened as he leaned back against the door frame.

 

The table. The table in the center of the room was the same. Old oak, made from trees his father had cut down in his first year of taking over the farm. The same year he’d married Mama, if Kaz remembered right.

 

Four chairs. A simple square. A scratch in one leg, from Jordie’s incessant kicking as a boy with his shoes still on. The little water rings in the center of the table, from the vases Da would put there to hold Mama’s marigolds in autumn. Tulips in Spring. Holly bushel in winter. Anything went in summer.

 

Inej was running her finger along the edges of the wood before she did a spin of the room, her wide eyes savoring every insignificant detail. Kaz watched, trying to regain the even breathing he’d so carefully maintained.

 

Da?

 

Keep it together, Kaz.

 

On the farthest wall, there was a side door with a secondary screened door of mesh. In Kaz’s childhood, they’d almost exclusively used that door instead of the front. In summer, Da would leave the heavy door open while they ate, letting the fresh air blow through the mesh, the sound of cicadas accompanying every evening meal.

 

Above the wide porcelain sink and pump, there was the window looking over the front yard, the single marigold peeking in. The counters had been replaced, Kaz noticed idly. The same type of wood, just new. He couldn’t bring himself to mind that singular update from the tenants, his Da had always meant to get around to it anyways.

 

Jordie had told him that Da had started the project when Mama had been pregnant with Kaz. Da never finished when Kaz was born and Bram became a single father.

 

“I love this. The windows in the kitchen. An actual kitchen, not just a wall.” Inej shed him a soft smile over her shoulder as she stood by the sink.

 

“My mother always wanted to paint it yellow, according to my Da. In the mornings, this room lights up.” Kaz sputtered, he didn’t know why he said it.

 

Maybe it was the ripping noises the flesh around his heart was making, demanding he say something of those who’d lived here. Those who Kaz Rietveld had loved, and lost.

 

Maybe it was the idea of butter cream walls, the memory of a faceless woman smiling at him in his dreams.

 

Maybe it was Inej, standing here, looking at him like he’d offered her gold from his pockets instead of the idea of a paint brush dipped in daffodils.

           

            Inej looked around the room once more, her eyes already touching up the molding with imagination.

 

            “I can see it. Pale yellow, something that could make the mornings sing, and the evenings whisper. My mama would see it clearer than me, but I think it would look lovely.” Inej’s eyes simmered as they finally landed on him once more.

 

            Kaz didn’t know how long they stood there, staring, talking without words. Only the slanting light above the sink made him move again. His eyes avoided the table. He wasn’t ready to climb the stairs to the past above him.

 

            “Come on. We still have a bell left of light. Let me show you the barn, it’s closer than the fields.” Kaz murmured as he unlocked the side door, Inej’s careful footsteps were silent behind him. He felt her smile on his back as he breathed in fresh air once more.

 

            Kaz Brekker left the door unlocked as they walked down the porch steps. He didn’t even notice.

 

            Walking the dirt path toward the barn was less difficult than walking toward the house. He pointed to a couple of clusters of wildflowers along the path, Inej stopped each time to admire them.

 

It was the innocence in her happiness that forced Kaz to stop and admire her each time, too.

 

            The barn clearly needed some repairs, but more or less, the structure was sound. There were still tools housed in the far end past the horse stables. These doors were unlocked for the small staff that Kaz had hired along with the caretaker of the property. One field still harvested every year in the Rietveld name, ever since Kaz had bought the property back.

 

            It was Jordie’s favorite field. The one closest to the hill where his parents were buried. Where Jordie’s headstone now resided. The hill looked over the majority of the property, the oak on top was planted by the first generation of Rietvelds, according to his Da.

 

            “Hello!” Inej squealed as Kaz tested one of the stable’s door hinges. Kaz swung his head, surprised by the fact Inej’s voice had changed in octave entirely. It was… somewhere in the realm of cute. He followed the noise, he hadn’t even realized she’d slipped away from him.

 

            He found her crouched in the dirt outside the barn, a skinny orange tabby cat rolling in the dirt for belly rubs and mewling every time Inej so much as shifted her hand away from him.

 

            “Oh no. I really should have warned you, Inej. The locals are awful company.” Kaz smirked as he leaned a hip against the barn.

 

            “Don’t listen to him, he’s cranky because I’m petting you instead of him.” Inej crooned to the cat, not even looking up to see Kaz’s eyes roll.

 

            “I bet you are an extraordinary mouser.” Inej smiled as the cat bumped his head into her hand.

 

            “He looks like Legend.” Kaz mumbled as he watched Inej with her new friend. He knew Inej remembered his story, about the runt kitten he’d saved with Jordie as a boy.

 

            “Maybe he’s his son, or grandson.” Inej smiled up at him as she scratched the animal’s ears.

 

            Kaz scoffed, but Inej only beamed.

 

            “His name is Sankt Valentin. He told me.” Inej stood and brushed off her hands on her leggings.

 

            “Which one is that?” Kaz asked as the cat rubbed over her ankles, meowing the entire time.

 

            “Patron Saint of Snake Charmers and the Lonely. This mouser looks like he could charm snakes.” Inej giggled when Kaz glared at the cat now rubbing it’s face over his cane.

 

            “We can’t get attached, Darling.” Kaz reached a hand to her but she frowned. He knew how much she loved animals, even if she had none besides the crows in Ketterdam.

 

            “I suppose you’re right.” Something wistful crossed Inej’s features as she watched Valentin go pouncing after a cicada in the long grass, ears perked and tail swishing.

 

            “Someday.” Inej whispered more to herself as she glanced once more up at the barn. “I could fix that. I could get up there.” Inej smirked as she nodded to a crooked beam in the siding far above them.

 

            Kaz’s spine straightened as he imagined Inej walking the roof of the barn. He didn’t know if it was from fear or anticipation of seeing her on another rooftop. Fear? Where had that come from? A two-story barn was child’s play to Inej compared to the Ketterdam skyline.

 

            Kaz smiled.

 

            “Can we bring Ally into the stables for the night?” Inej asked as they began to walk down the path between the garden and the lawn back toward the house. Kaz had already compiled a list of a thousand things needing attention, the garden included. It looked like it was still kicking, but the gate had rusted. The hedges surrounding needed to be pruned.

 

The trees had a couple of dead branches, one of his Da’s pet peeves.

 

            Why leave kindling up there, Kaz? We use it and the tree breathes better.

 

            “Yes. I found a blanket for her, folded on the tack wall. There’s some hay in the cart, too.” Kaz answered just as he felt Inej’s hand brush his. He didn’t hesitate to wrap his fingers around hers, to squeeze gently. Kaz’s eyes strayed to the windows on the second floor of the house.

 

            He wasn’t ready to go upstairs. Still wasn’t ready. Wasn’t sure he ever would be.

 

            “We’ll sleep in the living room, by the fire. It’ll be cozy. I’ll be a pillow if you want.” Inej said softly, reading his eyes and mind as if they were her own.

 

            He’d never stop being grateful. Never stop being surprised by her ability to just… know him. To know him in the same way he knew how to shuffle cards, make a coin disappear.

 

            “It won’t be comfortable, love.” Kaz chuckled.

 

            “It’ll be better than Black Veil or the snow trenches in Fjerda. Hush, mera chaar.” Inej nudged his shoulder with her own as she swayed their hands between them.

 

            As they began to crest the small slope back to the house, Inej stopped them. Kaz opened his mouth to ask her what she was doing before he saw her expression. Her eyes were narrowed on the hill beyond the house, the one with the oak.

 

            “Kaz, there’s someone out there.” She whispered, using her free hand to point.

 

            Sure enough, out on the hill, there was a silhouette under the branches. Kaz knew whoever they were, they were standing near his family’s headstones.

 

            No. No. No. He didn’t want anyone on this property, tonight. No ill or well-wishers. Not today. Not yet. Not yet.

 

            “Should… should we go out there?” Inej asked gently tugging on his hand to turn him back to her.

 

            “Yes. They are trespassing.” Kaz sighed.

 

            This was not how he wanted to go out to the hill. This was not the day he planned to do it. He was filled with sludge, mud. The mud of memory and he’d barely stayed standing as it was.

 

            Kaz could not ignore the pull, though. The worst case scenario had already entered his mind; whether someone held a grudge in this town over the fact that he’d returned, or bought back the farm in the first place. He thought of the man from the tavern the night prior, Daan. Daan had thought Kaz was impersonating the lost Rietveld son. Daan might not be the only one. Someone could have wanted to buy this property before Kaz had. It was prime real estate. Someone could… someone could vandalize those headstones. Someone could have already.

 

            Get it together, Brekker. This is Lij. Not Ketterdam. Not Ketterdam. The world isn’t all barrel rats.

 

            “I’m going to get my knives.” Inej said before she trotted back down toward their cart at the front of the house, to a lazily grazing Ally.

 

            Kaz was already armed. This cane may not have been his, but it was still weighted to break bones. Still grisha made steel.

 

            He also had his revolver in the back of his belt. He’d mentioned to Inej that the occasional prairie wolf would stalk the fields; he figured he should be packing, even if the animals generally spooked easily.

 

            His Da had never harmed one, and he wouldn’t start.

 

            If Kaz was honest, he’d not been able to let go of all his armor. He’d not been able to go a full day, without a weapon. He suspected Inej knew the real reason he was armed, but she’d not said a word about it. She’d also carried a knife the entirety of their time in Aska Vasman.

 

            Just like the night the Slavers struck in Ravka, Kaz was suddenly grateful for their shared sense of self-preservation. Their bone-deep roots of darkness, of the demons beneath their flesh.

           

            “Let’s go. Nothing on the cart was tampered with.” Inej returned with a whisper. They began to walk in the opposite direction, toward the fork in the path leading to the hill.

 

            Da, I’m sorry if I spill blood on this land. Forgive me.

 

 

INEJ

 

            The wind began to bite through the thin sleeves of her shirt, the twilight turning full-dusk as she and Kaz walked silently up the pebbled path of the hill.

 

            Saints, don’t make him do this in front of his parents’ graves. Don’t break this day. Make this a kind face, not a shadow sent.

           

            Inej found her eyes locked on Kaz’s profile as they scaled the slope. The tension had returned to his features, Dirtyhands had checked in. She could find nothing in his expression to indicate the pain she knew he felt deep below his careless demeanor.

 

            Mr. Rietveld, Mrs. Rietveld, Jordie? I will not soil your peaceful place. I will not. We will not. We won’t let anyone else do it, either.

 

            As they climbed the last bit of rough ground, ready to attack at the first sign of animosity, the wind lifted deep black skirts of the hooded figure. The stranger was now knelt in the dirt before an alabaster gray headstone, gently scraping dirt from the tombstone with a little wire brush, their hands gloved in maroon leather.

 

            “I’m not used to the company of the living up here.” A silvered smoke voice came from the figure; she did not cease her cleaning.

 

            Inej glanced at Kaz. His pupils were blown wide, his breathing shallow. He tried to shrug to her, but she saw through it. His eyes had fallen on the smaller headstone, farthest from the oak tree. Inej stood closest to it, the onyx much fresher than the two other stones sticking from the ground.

 

            In silver script, an epitaph graced Jordan Rietveld’s only grave.

 

            Jordan Johannus Rietveld. Brother. Son. Friend. Story-Teller.

 

            On Every finger, I promise.

 

            “Sorry for the intrusion,” Inej cleared her throat and tried for casual, as if her fingers weren’t still gripped around the hilt of Sankt Vladimir. Women had plenty of room to conceal wicked intentions under cloaks and skirts. Inej took no chances. The Wraith took no chances.

 

            Inej didn’t think Kaz was breathing. She needed him to focus, needed to center him back here.

 

            “No intrusion.” The same matter-of-fact voice came to Inej, and still the woman did not turn to look at them. Inej heard a soft sniffle, though she wondered if she imagined it as the woman’s crimson hands brushed harder at a speck of dirt.

 

            She worked on Elena Rietveld’s head stone.

 

            What was the proper etiquette for a trespasser who is cleaning your fiancé’s mother’s headstone? Tea or knives?

 

 Inej’s head was spinning off course, the day becoming too much. The woman in the street of Lij. The house. The hill. Kaz.

 

“Mera chaar?” Inej asked lowly for only his ears. She did not say his name in case this woman could still hear them from fifteen paces away.

 

“’Nej.” Kaz croaked, his eyes flickered to her. His chest was expanding in a way that looked shallow and painful. Panic. Her mind sent alarm bells ringing.

 

Inej took a risk, by reaching for his bare hand. He gripped it tight, like a tether in a hurricane. She could handle his strength. She could handle his weakness, too.

           

            “Breathe.” Inej said softly. Whispers of wind caught the leaves of the oak tree, still the woman’s brush scrubbed on. She did not turn her head. Kaz nodded once, closed his eyes and then released his breath.

 

            In the span of a mere thirty seconds, Kaz was centered again. His eyes cleared, hardened to the onslaught of pain.

 

            He did not drop her hand. Dirtyhands did not drop her hand. If she’d had time, Inej would have pondered on how much her hand had helped, rather than harmed Kaz in his panic.

           

            “It’s quite rude to speak amongst yourselves when someone else is present, you know.” The woman muttered, her brush pausing it’s scrape against the stone. Inej heard a deep inhale of breath as one of the red-clad fingers traced the ‘E’ in Elena.

 

            Inej met Kaz’s eyes and this time, he shrugged in truth. His eyes conveyed that he had no idea whom their intruder could be.

 

            Very well then, Inej decided. More ants with sugar water or whatever the Kerch phrase was.

 

            “Did you know them? The Rietvelds?” Inej hazarded a step closer to the woman, reluctantly dropping Kaz’s hand. The sky had darkened to bruise blue, but on the horizon a war still waged between day and dark. There was still enough light to see clearly, a crisp line of burnt sunrays gilding the horizon. Inej suspected they only had a few minutes until true-dark, until the moon won his battle.

 

            The woman reached beside her and Inej’s hand immediately jumped to the hilt of her blade once more. Maroon fingers set a lantern on the base of the headstone, struck a match. The glow of the flame did nothing to alleviate the shadows, but it did heighten the beauty of Elena’s headstone, the intricate floral carvings. The dried marigolds scattered about the base. Someone had visited her, before today. Many times, if the bundles were any indication.

 

            Kaz released a sigh behind Inej, not bothering to mask his relief of no violence near his mother’s grave. The woman had not noticed how close the Wraith had come to playing ball.

 

            The hooded woman did not answer right away, instead she busied herself with adjusting the black skirts around her. She scooted to Bram’s headstone, brush in hand.

 

            Kaz’s breath hitched audibly.

 

            “Yes. Did you know them?” The woman said finally.

 

            Kaz shook his head softly when Inej’s eyes met his over her shoulder. They were counting on whomever this person was not having heard of Kaz’s return to Lij the night prior.

 

            “No. What is that?” Inej skipped quickly over the question, instead focusing on the small circle of candles beneath the old oak tree, unlit but clearly used. There were bundles of dried roses, what looked to be a small wooden horse.

 

            “A vigil.” Kaz rasped. Inej startled at his voice, his certainty.

 

            “For the last member of the family who has no headstone on this hill. Kerch tradition for those who are missing.” The woman said softly, almost sadly.

 

            Kaz said nothing more, but Inej felt her chest constrict. This little memorial was for Kaz Rietveld. The toy horse. The flowers… He’d not been forgotten. At least one person had remembered him.

 

            “How did you know them, then?” Kaz asked, his tone annoyed.

 

            Inej saw the figure’s spine straighten beneath her cloak. It felt familiar, somehow.

 

            “Friend of theirs? I know this family was around a long time.” Inej tacked on, trying for casual curiosity in the face of Kaz’s harshness.

 

            “Not exactly.” The woman had ceased her work, instead opting to lay her hands on her lap. Inej urged the woman to turn to her, to show her face. She did not.

 

A pregnant pause graced the hill, only the cicadas were brave enough to suck this heavy air in and continue their song.

 

All at once, Inej wanted to grab Kaz’s hand. Wanted to pull him back to the warm little farmhouse. She wanted to shield him.

 

“What does that mean?” Inej hedged, faking the bravery she needed to voice the words. Did this woman have good intentions? It seemed she did. Maybe she knew them in passing, but couldn’t claim closeness to the Rietvelds.

 

A neighbor who sought to maintain the Rietveld memory from the kindness of her heart.

 

Yes, that was it. Inej was being silly. Her fears unjustified. She convinced herself with each star beginning to twinkle above them.

 

“My name is Emilia Winstrad.” The woman’s silvery voice was clear and strong, louder than before. Confident.

 

Air lodged in Inej’s throat, a gasp trapped. Her gaze shot to Kaz, his eyes gave nothing away, but his fingers twitched. He’d never slipped gloves on again. She’d asked him about the name ‘Emilia’ only this morning. Daan from the village had said Emilia, and now here she was. The man had not made a mistake. Kaz tilted his head, brows furrowed in contemplation.

 

He still had no idea who she was. Inej knew it.

 

The woman’s head turned slightly over her shoulder toward Kaz, but still she did not look at him fully. Her face remained concealed in the cover of shadow.

 

“Bram was my brother-in-law. Elena Rietveld was my twin sister.” Emilia said softly.

 

Gravity let go of Earth, reality toppled.

 

“I had two nephews. One has his name engraved here on this rock. I’ve spent seven years looking for the other; ever since I returned to Kerch.”

 

Inej was backing away quietly. She had to reach Kaz. The dark was setting in now, she had to see his face. Nothing made sense.

 

“His name was Kaz.”

 

Inej begged the saints to make this woman stop talking.

 

Emilia stood up, now. She did not turn around. Inej reached for Kaz’s hand as he flinched away from her. She could hear his small breaths.

 

Her heart shattered for him, the snapping of the leaves above mimicking the sound of her ribs.

 

He was supposed to be here, to heal. What was this going to do? Kaz had… he had an aunt? Alive? How had he not known of her but she of him? What reason would she stand to lie? Could she be an enemy in disguise? Could someone have discovered that Kaz Brekker and Kaz Rietveld were one and the same?

 

Inej felt paranoid, her own calm deteriorating.

 

The sky darkened once more, the moon hidden behind clouds. Just like the Moon of Inej’s life beside her.

 

“I heard the farm was bought back into the Rietveld name a few years ago. I suppose you must know something if you’re here. Do you know my nephew?” Emilia asked, and Inej heard something hopeful, desperate in the words.

 

“No.” Kaz’s rasp cut through the night, harsh and electric.

 

Inej held her breath as the woman turned around, her feminine hands covered in crimson and dirt, as if she’d been digging graves instead of cleaning them. The image was haunting paired with the black corset and skirts, the dark hood.

 

Now, Inej could make out pale collar bones, a feminine figure. Emilia stood much taller than Inej, but not quite as tall as Kaz.

 

Inej felt Emilia’s eyes on them. Kaz was stagnant beside her, spine straight and hands braced over his cane as he faced the woman head on.

 

“I see.” Emilia nodded once, the lilt to her voice, Inej realized, sounded like Sadie’s, but more elegant. Like Kaz. Like someone native to this land, but had left for a long time.

 

Emilia brushed dirt off her hands before she reached up and lifted her hood off.

 

Inej was struck by lightning. It was the only explanation.

 

Emilia was enchanting. Long black hair as dark as Kaz’s fell from her hood in soft waves pulled to the side of her head. Her skin was as lunar as Kaz’s, too. She was clearly in her forties or fifties but her complexion was pristine. Her features were soft, but her nose was so… it was Kaz’s nose but the female equivalent.

 

It was the eyes.

 

Kaz’s eyes. Eyes so dark they looked black in shadow.

 

Inej realized, then, if what Emilia claimed was true… this was Kaz’s mother’s face. Twins. Elena and Emilia.

 

“If you change your mind, I rent the cottage on the property line between here and the Janssen orchards.” Emilia did not look at Inej as she spoke, there were tears running down her cheeks.

 

Emilia had seen a truth in Kaz’s face.

 

Her nephew’s face.

 

“You have your mother’s freckle. On your left ear.” Emilia whispered.

 

“Fuck off.” Kaz answered, his voice deep and shaking. Inej stood silent in the storm, clutching to her fragmented reality.

 

Emilia flinched as Kaz turned his back on her and began to walk down the path toward the house.

 

“I’m sorry.” Emilia whispered, but Inej had already taken off.

 

Kaz needed her. She’d hold her moon up in the sky with her bare hands and strings made of stardust. She’d always come for him, too.

 

 

KAZ

 

            No. Not fucking possible.

 

            Too fucking late. Jordie was dead.

 

            Kaz only made it to the porch before he collapsed. He screamed, just once. For the first time in a decade.

 

            This time, he didn’t scream that he was alive.

 

            This time, he screamed that Jordie was dead.

 

 

 

            Too fucking late.

 

 

 

            He knew his mother’s face, now.

 

 

            Still too fucking late.

Notes:

Socials! :

tiktok: @ravenyenn19

tumblr: @ravenyenn19

SO. SO. SO?????!!!!!! DID I SURPRISE? DID I SUCK? DID IT LAND? AHHHHGHFIFFUNFJIENBFI *broken author*

Chapter 128: Anchors Down

Summary:

Kaz faces himself.

Notes:

Chapter 128!!!!!

Hi everyone! long time no talk!! <3 I'm sorry for my hiatus, work has just been insane, thank you so much for being patient. I appreciate it so much more than I can convey. Anyways, this one was hard. Heavy. It's part one of the next one that I'll have up tomorrow.... I hope you love it. I really do. It feels... it's a really personal one. It hit home, writing. I just hope that it's special. So much character development, seriously. Happy reading, my loves. <3

Thank you forever and always. For everything. <3

I'd love to hear from you guys, it's been a little bleak lately and I miss you all so much. Especially with how important this one is for me, if you have time to leave a comment I'd be forever grateful. <3

"It'll Be Alright" by Cody Francis. (The lyrics. Seriously, please listen.)

KAZ

 

            The chipping railing of the porch guided him to his feet, he knew Inej had heard him scream.

 

            He did not shed a tear. He was not sad.

 

            He was enraged. He wanted to set the world on fire again, and watch the ashy snow settle around his brother’s headstone, a promise fulfilled.

 

            Where had she been? Emilia? Where was she, when he’d learned his letters? When Jordie had broken his arm at eight-years-old? Where was she when Mama had died? Where was she when Da could hardly sleep for fear of missing out on a harvest morning, for money they needed? Where was she, when Kaz and Jordie had needed an adult, older than thirteen, to guide them beyond the comfort of the farm?

 

            She wasn’t lying. Emilia was related to him. Kaz knew it. He’d seen it, on her face. Literally. His eyes. The eyes he’d inherited from his mother. He’d known, because Da’s eyes had been deep and dark, but three shades lighter still.

 

            His…. His aunt.

 

            No. A stranger. Blood but less related to him than even Rotty or Anika.

 

Jesper, Nina, Wylan, Helvar, Inej. Sharya and Kahir Ghafa. Khalid and Rahul. Inej’s Nani.

 

Jordie, after all these years.

 

            His crows.

 

            His family.

 

            Emilia Winstrad was not included. She was not welcome.

 

            “Kaz?” Inej took a step up the path toward him, where he stood in the dark of the front porch. He’d sensed her running after him, but he knew she’d hung back in the shadow for the span of a minute, giving him space.

 

            No. He couldn’t hear her voice like this, now. Didn’t want to. Pity. Fear. Worry for him. No.

 

            “Don’t. Inej, just don’t.” He rasped, his vocal chords still shredded and raw.

 

            “I just…”

 

            “I don’t care. I don’t want to talk about it.” He snapped, a vocal whip lashing out from his disgruntled spirit.

 

            He turned his eyes from the wood he’d fixed them upon, feeling rather than seeing her flinch as he gazed out at the dark grass sea.

 

            Every ounce of his body wanted to forget this entire endeavor. Wanted to tell her they were leaving, now. He never wanted to come back here. Even if his lungs stretched for these open spaces, even if his hands itched to fix every small thing they could on this house.

 

            Even if he’d almost imagined them here, for more than a week, someday.

 

            Even if it killed the surfacing boy inside him, he wanted to run and never come back.

 

            He could sacrifice Rietveld to an early grave to make this chasm within him seem less dark. He could bear the darkness, so long as he did it alone. No farm boy left inside him, hiding in the shade of night waiting to steer him off course.

 

            Anything, to make it stop. Anything was worth the cost to end this hammering inside his head and heart.

 

            Only cold reason saw him to his next chosen words. The train wouldn’t be running from the station again until the following afternoon. Sadie might not have rooms. No need to waste the kruge.

 

            The kruge was not worth it for something as small as sheltering his shattered inner workings.

 

            “We’re leaving tomorrow. I’m going to get the linens from the cart and put Ally in the stable. Don’t bother unpacking. Don’t wait up for me, make a fire or whatever you need to do. I don’t want to talk anymore.” Kaz straightened his spine as he flicked his cane into his hands and brushed past Inej in the darkness.

 

            “Kaz…” She began again, calling after him in the darkness. 

 

            “Didn’t ask. You promised, Wraith. You promised we’d leave when I said. We leave tomorrow. Or I do. You can stay here if you want, have tea with my aunt if you wish.” He spat, never once ceasing his walk toward the cart.

 

            She didn’t say another word. She did not follow him.

 

            He didn’t cringe, even as he began to pick up his armor and dust it off, her delicate fingerprints all over it.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

            Half a bell later, Kaz had deposited Ally in the stables. His mind had functioned on its own, everything but the tasks directly ahead of him had been cast aside. Horse secured, check. Eat something, check. An apple from the sack of fruit Inej had bought in town. He chose not to remember her hopeful smile. Now, he’d sleep.

 

Tomorrow, he’d find normalcy in Ketterdam. He’d plan Inej’s voyage and wish her the best and maybe, when she returned, he’d still have something to offer her. Their love was not fragile. She could love him for Brekker alone or not at all.

 

            When he walked up the steps of the house, he found the soft glow of a lantern now hung on the hook by the door. He ignored the quickening of his pulse at the sight as he pushed his way inside. He found a low burning fire in the hearth, the linens he’d dropped on the step outside before going to the stables were laid out in a makeshift bed on the floor beside the flames.

 

A bed for one. The other blanket and pillow were carefully folded by the foot of the ghostly piano, still covered by a sheet. The sight finally made him flinch, and think clearly, for the first time in an hour. His illusion snapped into a million pieces at the sight of that solemn pillow.

 

“Inej?” He called. He did not feel her near. He did not feel her at all. The part of him that was still capable of emotion knew he’d treated her awful. Knew he’d worn armor impenetrable to her once more. Every part of him regretted it, even within the husk of humanity he now donned.

 

There was no answer, no creak in the house.

 

“Fuck.” Kaz growled as he ran a hand over the side of his face, collapsing unceremoniously in a cloud of dust onto the old and dilapidated sofa.

 

Kaz sat with his head between his knees, hands clamped over the back of his neck. It was the only thing that held the nausea at bay, kept the whispers of his family from leaking into his ears.

 

He didn’t know how long he sat there, expecting to hear her voice. Feel that ignition in his veins that warned him of her presence. Only after he began to lose circulation, did he straighten his head. Then, he saw it. A folded piece of parchment, set neatly in the center of the laid out blanket.

 

Hesitantly, Kaz stood and limped to pick up the note, unfolding it slowly with an utterance of colorful curses. Inej’s looping script greeted him.

 

 

Kaz,

 

I’ll be back later. Don’t wait up for me.

 

The bed is for you. I filled a water flask for you, too. It’s on the table with some hazelnuts I had in my bag. Eat. Drink. Be better.

 

Ke baas suna, ve al hain. Seyan rast a bara hastan, bre ay hinal.

 

Translation: Don’t listen to the ghosts, for they are but wind. We are rain and thunder, felt by all.

 

I still want to talk. I won’t be leaving this town until we do. If that means you journey back to Ketterdam alone, then so be it. (Please don’t make me bring the cat into the house for company.)

 

You wanted space, so take it. I think I’ll find myself better for it, too. Let us meet again in the middle.  I’m not running from this, Kaz. I hope you won’t run, either.

 

I won’t leave for long, if you need me. Or want me.

 

Just let me in, Kaz. Don’t lock me out again. Please.

 

Inej.

 

PS- Etma Se Saman, Mera Chaar. Even if you acted like an ass. (you did.)

 

 

            Kaz dropped the note, angrier than he’d been before. She’d left him here. Alone. She’d left him here. Alone. Here. Alone.

 

            His chest constricted as did his fists. His breath was labored, but deep.

 

            He’d left her here alone, too. In other ways. In a foreign place in which he’d promised safety. He recognized that, now.

 

            This wasn’t working. None of it. He belonged in the city of thieves that raised him to be stronger. He was steel, not stalks of wheat.

 

            He doused the fire with the water flask, and marched out of the house, yelling her name, once, twice. He grabbed the lantern from the hook by the door, marching back to the barn, pissed.

 

            She didn’t know her way around. Had she taken a lantern? She couldn’t have gone far. Was she still armed? Of course she was. Where would she even go?

 

Thoughts rippled across the pool of numb indifference inside of Kaz, threatening a whirlpool.

 

Wraith. Wraith. Wraith. Inej. Inej. Inej. Why would she be so reckless? No. Inej was capable. His mind continued to twist in acrobatics only Inej could make sense of.

 

            Ally was gone, the cart still parked outside. Kaz sagged against the barn door, sweating and defeated. He knew now, that Inej had schemed. She’d waited at the back door until she’d heard him walk up the front steps. She had stolen the horse.

 

The Wraith had pulled a blinder on him, and he knew he deserved it. Maybe he’d finally pushed Inej too far, all these years later.

 

No. Her note. His mind was convincing him of something far worse than her own words.

 

“Stop it.” Kaz hissed to himself as he pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to calm the unseen storm within him. He felt adrift, lost in a maze of wheat fields instead of harbor water. Still, that current tried to carry him to conclusions he’d once been convinced of.

 

Inej would not leave him. Inej had not left him. He’d not lost himself, either. No. No. No. He pushed the panic down, breathing the way Inej would coax him to. When he opened his eyes, his roots would be planted.

 

Emilia. She caused this. They’d been doing well; he’d been… he’d been doing well here, before her shadow appeared on the hill, black and solid. Real. Kaz was not used to this type of ghost, they had never been corporeal.

 

He’d treated Inej like shit, cast her off as he would a pesky fly buzzing around his person. He had never wanted to be that man to her again, and yet he’d stumbled. He’d tripped face first into a prison wall within himself, cold rusted steel.

 

His father’s voice whispered to him on the breeze, a memory. “Treat your future wives well, boys. Or husbands. I don’t care. Tread lightly, sons. Remember, when it snows and everything is pure?”

 

“Uh huh.” A little Kaz nodded alongside Jordie, as they followed Da through the field under a spring sun.

 

 “Trust is like that. You can only leave so many muddy footprints before it’s ruined. Don’t forget that. Don’t stomp and run on people’s hearts. Of course, you cannot stand still. Just be careful where you step, walk on their paths, on their well-trodden ground. Avoid stomping through their delicate gardens. Don’t break their fragile-frosted roots. Because, if you’re lucky, you’ll be there in Spring, too. You’ll see them bloom. Life is the seasons, love them in all of them, like the sky loves us in blizzard or sun. Mama would want me to make sure you knew that, no matter what.”

 

Kaz had left cane prints all over Inej’s sparkling snow scape, her trust. Still she stayed. He was a luckier man than any other, and now, he needed to walk softer. Earn her blizzards of freely-given love and trust.

 

Perhaps, he hated one person as much as Pekka Rollins.

 

Right now, it was a tie. Between himself and his aunt. Emilia Winstrad.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Guilt was unkind. Cruel tendons of thorns were twisting around Kaz’s bare knuckles as he sat by the rebuilt fire, shuffling cards between his hands in an empty house.

 

Inej’s note sat on the hearth beside him, right next to the hefty flask of Ketterdam distilled whiskey that he’d had the foresight to pack.

 

Honestly, it was bottom shelf. He’d never even sell this shit in the Crow Club. Seemed fitting.

 

Kaz had to wait, for her sea to answer his call.

 

Inej’s powerful tides of loyalty flowed on her pace alone. Up in the sky, he imagined watching her storms brew with an awestruck grin, crooked as he. Even as her waves reached up and threatened to swallow his black-skied realm, he was proud. He had no right to push her around. If her hurricane ripped the moon from the sky, he’d still shine all the way to the sea floor, all for her. Mera nadra, mera chaar. He was hers alone.

 

Only Inej Ghafa could climb as high as the moon.

 

Waiting, he decided, was his punishment. Not one Inej had bestowed upon him. He knew she’d been right to go where she wished, when she wished. He was not her keeper. She had every right to the same space he’d angrily demanded. No, waiting was his punishment from the ghosts of seven generations in these walls, looking at him and shaking their spiritual heads.

 

Kaz Brekker had always regarded himself a patient man, and now, he knew the ugly and blatant otherwise. If Inej were to walk through the door now, he’d kiss her until he passed out. She’d been kind, out on that hill. She’d saved him from the water with both her bare hands on deck.

 

How had he repaid that? By letting his subconscious out of its mangled cell, a hound off its restrictive chain. Aunt or no aunt, Inej had become his target for rage. It was unfair, by every standard. He’d spiraled. Inej would understand, he knew that even now, from her note alone. She would not excuse him, though. He wouldn’t excuse him, then again, his oldest grudges were harbored against his own heart.

 

He’d tried to pull out the documents from Nikolai, but his mind would no longer bend to his will; no longer offered mind-numbing vacancy to schemes in the face of the large pity party for one Kaz Brekker, asshole unchallenged.  

 

All the mental rooms were taken by his self-deprecation, his stupid fucking pride. He’d left no space for his girl. His wife. His wife. His wife.

 

He sat in front of that fire, determined to clear space. He rebuilt her throne within his chest. A queen of his sunken and water-logged heart she may be, but the ruler of it nonetheless. Broken and violent was his offering, but she’d given him his own seat of power within her luxurious soul. Equals. His soul’s match.

 

Kaz had been petty, yet hopeful. He’d unrolled the other linens that Inej had left folded by the piano. He’d made her a bed right beside the one she’d laid out for him. There was no way he was not sleeping next to her, tonight. She could be red in the face angry, she could hate him for a season, still, he would sleep next to her. No, he’d never touch her without permission. Ever.

 

He also refused to sleep anywhere else, now that he knew what it was like to be near her. If she asked him to sleep elsewhere tonight, she was out of luck. If her demons demanded space, he’d separate them by some feet, not by walls. He was not unreasonable. He was stubborn, however.

 

Today, he just felt excruciatingly human. He needed to be next to her, even if she turned her back to him and slept under separate covers.

 

She wasn’t wrong. Inej had called him an ass in her note, and he felt like one. He’d not asked her how she felt. He’d walked away from her, again. His bad habits felt like splinters under his skin, and every day, he had to actively remove them.

 

It was a careful, tedious sort of torture.

 

It was also worth it. For Inej. For himself.

 

As Kaz watched the flames devour a log, devotedly ignoring the house around him, Kaz realized he would never forgive himself if he allowed himself to be driven away from this land again.

 

Ghosts or no, he was Kaz Rietveld. He was Bram’s son. Jordie’s brother. Elena’s catalyst and second born.

 

He didn’t know if he was strong enough to stay. He didn’t know if he was weak enough to go.

 

Still, his fear fisted his soul, shaking and spitting mad. He wanted to be back in Ketterdam, in the apartment on the sixth floor. He wanted to be in the Van Eck Mansion, listening to Jesper and Wylan laugh. He wanted to be in the past on black veil island, watching Nina goad Helvar into blushing as the rest of them suppressed jovial chuckles. He wanted to be in the Crow Club, dealing cards because he genuinely loved to do it, not because he had to anymore.

 

He wanted to go anywhere else, but above all, Kaz wanted to go home. A home that smelled of sea salt and pine trees, home where giggles sent butterflies fluttering in his bone marrow, never to fly away. Home where he felt safer than he ever had.

 

Home was no longer made of leather and spite and armor around his soft parts. Home was where he could lick his wounds without fear of judgement, without fear of retribution or shame. Home was Inej. Home was tender and fierce. Home was a woman so bright and devout that he was certain she could have summoned both sun and Saint summoner, all with a prayer for a single candle in the dark. 

 

He had been a fucking asshole.

 

He admitted it aloud to himself, and to the walls around him. The fire sputtered in laughter, mocking his solitude. “A shame,” the flames cackled, a soot bolstered bully.

 

Inej had been gone for a bell, now. Was she safe? Ally. She had Ally. A horse that could run faster than she ever could. A patient horse, from what Kaz had observed. Where had Inej sought, in this strange fielded plain?

 

Kaz wondered, and drank. Wondered a little more, then performed an elaborate shuffle for his audience of ghosts. Finally ate the hazelnuts Inej had left for him on the kitchen table. He ignored the stair case with a comical glare. He’d retrieved their bags from the cart, even if he was still certain that in the morning, they’d leave.

 

How could he stay? How could he do this, knowing that things could have been different? That maybe, if… if his aunt had found them, Jordie would be here, now. How could he face that, after all these years?

 

He found Inej’s toothbrush for her within her bag, the same way she’d done for him on the ship. A miniscule peace offering. A quiet apology.

 

He took another swig of whiskey, but this time, he also downed the entire flask of water behind it. Drink. Be better.Her words.

 

Finally, his wondering stopped cold. The stair on the porch creaked, just as he’d laid on his back, watching the embers chat up the smoking log.

 

Kaz sat up immediately as the front door opened. He probably should have been prepared to pull his pistol from under his pillow, but somehow this place made him forget his senses.

 

Lij had always been safe. Except for plows. And child birth. And cruel fates. And apparently long lost aunts. He scoffed internally, not really safe at all, was it?

 

“Hey.” Inej said softly as she closed the door gently behind her. Her hair was windswept, tied in a loose braid on the side of her head, little black wisps framing her blushed skin.

 

“Hey.” Kaz swallowed as he looked her over, eyes tracing the soft curves he knew so well. The lips he’d kissed like he was dying on more than one occasion. The hands that had taken his and guided him from a life he’d only have regretted.

 

“Did you get my note?” Inej asked as she carefully knelt to untie her boots by the door.

 

“Yes.” Kaz rasped as he ran a bare hand through his hair, words leaping into his throat but not escaping. He felt like a coward.  

 

“And?” Inej challenged as she stood back up, a hand on her hip. Her chin stubborn and eyes alight in defiance.

 

Fuck he loved it when she was bossy. 

 

However, he did not like the flash of hurt behind her glare. Hurt because of him.

 

“I was a prick.” Kaz said, his voice clear and strong. She had to know he meant it.

 

“Yeah, I know.” Inej huffed as she stared him down.

 

How did she reduce him to squirming? No one ever had, besides this five- foot tall suli woman with a mind like a whip and a bleeding heart of prayer. This tiny, wicked thing who liked only a bit of tea with her cups of honey, could force him to his knees.

 

He folded his hands loosely, then unfolded them. It was useless. He reached for his cane only to find he’d left it against the wall by the door behind her. Damn him.

 

“Here.” Inej passed the cane to him, her gaze a little softer, yet still lethal.

 

Kaz stood to face her, picking up his resolve from the ground on the way.

 

“I was a prick and I’m sorry.” Kaz said, holding his head high.

 

Inej nodded, her eyes never once straying from his. She wanted him to go on. He knew it.

 

“I’m… I’m not locking you out, Inej. I reacted the way I did because I… I wanted to stay standing on my own. The only way I knew how was… I guess the way I got through it the first time.” He waded through the words, stilted and trying his best.

 

Open. Fearless. A man. Open, for her. Fearless, for Jordie. A man, for himself.

 

“Got through what?” She tilted her head.

 

“Grief.” Kaz answered on an exhale, the weight in his chest finally easing. The feeling was still horrible, but maybe, a little more manageable. The pain, the shock, it lingered in the air around him, instead of within him.

 

All of it boiled down to this. A label, finally. All of his emotion, rage and despair, could be narrowed down to a five letter word, a word filled of faces and memories and all the what-ifs he’d ever wondered. Grief.

 

“You got through it alone. You got through it out of spite.” Inej said softly, it was not a question, but still he nodded his head once, sharp and curt.

 

“Kaz… that’s not getting through it.” Inej whispered, her eyes now dulled blades instead of throat slicing weapons.

 

“What do you mean? I’m here as proof.” Kaz mumbled, uncomfortable and yet not willing to hide the exposed under belly of his soul. Not from her.

 

“You walked around it, Kaz. Then, you scooped up the ugliness in your wake, bottled it up, and waited for it to age. You waited for it to be vintage, so it wouldn’t burn so much going down. That’s not how it works, though. Not in my experience.” Her lips parted in a gentle smile.

 

His first reaction was to tell her he’d dealt with all of it. He was fine. He’d learned how to touch her. He’d made it this far on this two legs, even if one was lame.

 

His mind urged him to slow down, again. To listen to her. To let her stop him from putting the corks back in the once pressured bottles.

 

“And… how do I go through it?” Kaz asked, his voice a little helpless. Smaller.

 

“You keep healing, mera chaar. You’ve been doing it, without realizing it. I’ve seen it. You witness me doing the same, every day. My grief is different from yours, but no less real. The difference, now? There’s two of us. We can walk down your road hand in hand, the way you walked me into the heart of Aska Vasman, eyes wide open.

 

“Here, Kaz. Here. Here is the next road you need to walk, dirt or cobbled. Flat or steep. This is the next part of our journey.”

 

“We stay?” Kaz asked hesitantly. Despite the goose bumps on his arms, the rooted anxiety in his stomach, and the demons telling him to book the next train back to his city; he forced himself to listen.  

 

“We stay.” Inej confirmed.

 

“And what about… her?” Kaz grimaced. He refused to say her name. Emilia.

 

Inej’s gaze met his as she took a step toward him, then another. He met her in the middle, just like she asked.

 

“You choose, Kaz. Can you live with these questions being unanswered? Can you live the rest of your life, without understanding? If the answer is yes, then nothing happens. We go about our lives. If you can’t live with that…  then we go from there.” Inej looked up at him through thick lashes, her eyes tracing his face. He saw no judgement, no sway. She would truly support him, no matter his decision. He saw it, in her warm gaze.

 

He wrapped his arms around her, his cane clattering to the ground. He did nothing but hold her there, where he could feel her breaths against the base of his neck, her heart against his. His face dipped to her hair as her own arms snaked around his middle, gentle but firm.

 

“I don’t know yet.” He answered, the most honest he could possibly be. He had no scheme, now. No plan. No direction. He was Kaz Brekker, utterly lost.

 

“Anchors down, Kaz. We’re safe out here, together. You don’t need to know, yet.” She whispered against his chest.

 

“Anchors down?” He smiled though she couldn’t see it.

 

“Yes. Anchors down. We are paused on our journey, we are taking our time to rest.” Her breath tickled his neck once more.

 

Kaz took a deep breath, and held her just a little tighter.

 

“Yes, Captain.” He whispered against her head, letting go of his need to steer. He relinquished himself to her, melted in her small hands as she led them back to the make shift beds on the ground.

 

She pushed her pillow up against his with a socked toe, smiling to herself when she rectified the tiny sliver of floor he’d left between their two mats.

 

That night, Inej wrapped herself around him under the covers, and held on tight.

 

He felt sheltered from the storm, protected. Grief may be violent lightning, but Inej was the sea. Sparks disintegrated on her surface, never reaching him below the tide.

 

He drowned, knowing under her waves, he would still breathe.

 

The last time he’d felt so safe had been in this house, too.

 

As he drifted down, he wondered if he’d imagined the scent of marigolds whispering against his face, wrapping around himself and Inej. Protected, he thought sleepily.

 

            In his dream, his mother now had a face. She didn’t stop laughing when she turned to face him, a bright smile on her lips.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

            At seven bells in the morning, Kaz woke up without Inej, her pillow cold. When he heard a bang from the direction of the kitchen, he limped to find her. Sleepy and confused, Kaz rubbed his eyes as he rounded the doorway.  

 

            He found Inej, sweating and balanced precariously on a chair, toes pointed as she reached above the window frame, a brush of sorts in hand.

 

            Kaz halted as the air left his lungs. His vision turned to fogged glass.

 

            The kitchen was glowing gold, the morning sun drifting in from the windows.

 

Yellow. Inej had spent all night painting the kitchen yellow.

 

Just like Mama had always wanted.

Notes:

Socials!:

tiktok: @ravenyenn19

tumblr: @ravenyenn19

So.... uh, I hope it was special. It was for me.

Chapter 129: Woven Tales

Summary:

Stories.

Notes:

Chapter 129!!!!

GUYS. Guys. GUYS. I'm here. Finally. If you follow me elsewhere, you'd know this was supposed to be up yesterday for the year anniversary of this story but long story short, I'm dumb and I couldn't. I'm so sorry it took longer than planned, but... this one is nearly 7k so I hope it makes up for it. It's dense. It's special. Less special than the next one, though. I can't wait. Anyways, I hope you love it. I really do. <3

One. Year. It's been a year since I uploaded the first chapter of this story. I just want you to know, this story has changed my life. Writing it. But even more so, because of all of you. Thank you for believing in me. For being here. For cheering me on. For being my friends when I needed some positivity in my life. For making me believe in myself again. My arrow landed here, with all of you. I could never tell you how grateful I am, but I'll keep trying. Every day. I love you. It's that simple, and that complex. <3

I'd love to hear from you guys, if you have the chance. I miss you. I'm also just so excited about this one and the next and can't wait to hear your thoughts. <3 PLEASE? (I'm not too ashamed to beg, k?)

"Glitter" by Patrick Droney (The vibe. Some lyrics. It's beautiful. Please listen.)

INEJ

 

            “Come on, short legs.” Inej huffed to herself as she stood on stretched tiptoes, paint brush in hand. The last corner was right there, above the window sill. Why was she so Saints-damned short?

 

            A yelp escaped her as arms wrapped around her waist, hoisting her right off her feet like a sack of feathers. A dull throb of panic scorched her throat until she looked at the pale wrists encircling her. She hadn’t heard him coming, her eyes had been too focused on finishing the project before he awoke, her ears preoccupied with the swirl of nearly incoherent thoughts in her skull. She was exhausted, sweaty, and worried for his reaction.

 

            Saints he’s strong, Inej thought dimly. She ignored the little flutter in her stomach as she noticed the veins in his forearms, the rigid pull of his muscles against her waist.

 

            Inej had taken a gamble, last night. A huge gamble in leaving the house and going all the way back to Lij, in the search of pale yellow paint. She hadn’t expected Kaz’s honesty the night before, nor had she known whether she’d crossed a boundary by bringing his mother’s dream to life. She hoped not. She wanted him to have a happier memory, here. Something of them. Something of Elena, even if he had no memories of her in life.

 

            Inej had just wanted to do something. Something kind. Something for Kaz, to show him her heart. To show him a fraction of the privilege she felt, being here with him. A fraction of what she’d felt every time he’d surprised her. With the High-Wire. Her parents. Her ship.

 

            His armor.

 

            She wanted to show him how much his honesty meant to her. How proud she was that he’d agreed to stay and see this trip through, despite what she knew had to be unspeakable pain.

 

            “Wait! Wait! I missed a spot!” Inej wriggled in his arms as she tried to grapple her toes back to the chair, yellow droplets shook from the brush onto the protective sheet beneath them.

 

            “Where?” Kaz’s voice was deep with sleep as he paused his movement. Inej ignored the little shiver in her spine where his mouth brushed her shirt.

 

            “The window frame. Set me back down, I can get it.” Inej mumbled, her words broken by a giggle as he instead lifted her higher, took a step toward the window in question.

 

            “There you go.” He said against her, matter-of-factly.

 

            “Kaz! I could have gotten it! I climbed onto the counters to get the rest!” She mumbled as she swiped the brush over the last inch of white wall.

 

            “You were about to fall. That chair was never sturdy; one leg is shorter than the others.” Kaz’s chuckle tickled her lower back.

 

            “I do not fall.” Inej huffed even as she smiled, her project was complete. Eight bells, and two cans of paint later.

 

            Kaz was lowering her to the ground, but the moment her toes touched the hardwood, he was turning her to him.

 

            “Is that wall dry?” Kaz rasped as he gestured his chin to the farthest side of the room. Inej could barely nod a confirmation, barely take in his messy hair and the shadow on his jaw, before her back hit the wall in question. He did not ask. She was glad of it.

 

            His lips devoured her, slow and steady. Lazy in his exploration. Only when Inej brought her hands up to cup his face, a dull whine in the back of her throat, did she realize his cheeks were wet.

 

            Inej used the tiny inch of space between them to slip a hand to his chest and push him back. A low noise emanated from him, a groan. His eyes were shut, but still she saw the twinkle of tears in his black eye lashes. His arms did not drop from her waist.

 

            “Kaz. Look at me.” Inej whispered. Her heart was reeling, begging for his lips once more. She could not let him continue until she saw his eyes, until he let her see him.

 

            He shook his head in defiance, the tips of his pale ears tinged pink. Kaz was embarrassed, she realized.

 

            “What do you want?” Inej smiled as she left a kiss to his nose. She felt his hands gripping in her shirt.

 

            “To kiss you.” He answered as his forehead dipped to hers.

 

            “Then open your eyes.” She asked again.

 

            Slowly, he did. His pupils were blown wide, surrounded by scorched earth rims. Black and blacker. Warm. She saw affection bubbling up beneath the surface, the ripple of an emotion she couldn’t put a name to. She had to be certain. Then, he could kiss her senseless again.

 

            “Did I misstep?” Inej touched his cheek, he leaned into her palm.

 

            “No. It’s perfect. Thank you.” He whispered against her wrist with a soft kiss, eyes holding hers.

 

            “She would have loved you, I’m sure.” Kaz continued, a drop of water still lingering at the corner of his dark lashes. Inej did not need to ask of whom he spoke; they stood in her kitchen, after all.

 

            “She would have loved me because you do, Kaz. She would have loved you. She did, love you.” Inej whispered, watching as Kaz nodded once. She watched him turn her words over, inspecting them from every angle and in every light. He did not toss them away. It was a start.

 

            “You have yellow paint in your hair.” Kaz smirked dazedly as his hand came up to toy with paint flecks in her braid, effectively dropping the subject.

 

She let him, because she understood. Pain was like laundry. You could either choose to let it pile up, or handle it a bit at a time. Kaz’s pain was washed, now. Fresh, vulnerable to the sunlight. When he was ready, she’d help him pin it to the line to air out, and sew any holes. It was true, he’d never be without this grief, but perhaps, some stitching could help.

 

            “Don’t you like blondes?” Inej huffed, earning a surprised chuckle from his lips.

 

            “I’ve always preferred brunettes.” Kaz smirked as Inej gaped.

 

            “Oh no, we don’t get to brush over that. You have a type?” Inej groaned as he tugged lightly on her braid.

 

            Kaz rolled his eyes as she grinned a mischievous thing.

 

            “You, Inej. You are my type.” Kaz sighed with a smile, pulling her close once more.

 

            “I went fishing for that compliment, thank you for humoring me.” Inej simpered against his chest as he swirled his hands over the sore muscles of her shoulder blades.

 

            “You didn’t sleep at all, did you?” Kaz rested his chin on the top of her head, she knew he must be looking around the room. The thought of his eyes taking it all in made her belly warm, her cheeks flushed pleasantly.

 

            “Not a wink. Do you think thirty kruge was enough to cover two cans of paint?” Inej asked, still feeling a tad guilty for what she’d done in town.

 

            “Why didn’t the shopkeeper tell you the price? Thirty is far too much for two cans. Fifteen probably would have sufficed, love.” His voice was annoyed with his perceived notion that the shopkeeper had swindled her. Little did he know…

 

            “Because the hardware store was closed by the time I got there. I broke in to get the paint and left kruge on the counter before I relocked the door on my way out.” Inej cringed against him before she could no longer hold on. He was shaking?

 

            Kaz was laughing. Laughing to the point where he caught his balance on the wall, face reddened, eyes watering.

 

            “Stop it.” Inej tried to scold him, even as her lips tipped into a wide smile. Kaz laughing this much was rare. So rare.

 

            She wanted to snatch each of his chuckles from the air and pocket them for a rainy day.

           

“You committed breaking and entering, then theft, in Lij…for yellow paint.” Kaz gasped, counting her sins on his bare fingers. The words only sent him into another fit.

 

“Yep.” Inej beamed as he tried to catch his breath. She was rather proud of how quickly she’d managed to pick the lock on the shop door. She almost wished to boast about it to Dirtyhands. Almost.

 

“Fuck, that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. That’s including the tank incident.” Kaz smiled, dimple on full display.

 

The sight of Kaz, smiling that smile, wearing only a white t-shirt and those stupid gray sleep pants, his hair a mess of black waves on top of his head… it stopped her heart in her chest. In that small second between one happy heartbeat and the next, Inej was certain she was a seer, like Nani.

 

She could see Kaz just like this, but with geraniums in a vase on the table behind her. She could see him with smile lines in his skin, older and maybe… even happier. She could see herself here, too. She wondered, for that brief yet impossibly long moment, whether there would be the sound of smaller feet in the bedrooms above them. Or maybe the meow of cat, the bark of a dog in the yard. A couple of chickens. A wind chime.

 

Yes, Inej decided. She’d like a wind chime.

 

It was the first time Inej had ever seen herself somewhere, permanently. Not even the apartment in Ketterdam felt like forever.

 

Lij… Lij was all roots.

 

“Breakfast?” Inej asked as Kaz’s laughter finally subsided, his pale cheeks still rosy from exertion.

 

“We have tarps all over the kitchen, mera nadra.” He replied with a lifted brow.

 

“Follow me.” Inej reached for his hand as she opened the back door, pulling him along with her. She had planned one more small surprise.

 

When Inej had first stepped out here, a bell prior, the sun had just risen. The fields had awoken in golden waves, whispering dew covered good-mornings.

 

The sight had taken the air straight from Inej’s lungs and strewn it around the land of the Rietveld farm. Inej had barely been able to keep herself from rushing to wake Kaz and dragging him to see it, despite that she knew he’d seen it every day, the first nine years of his life.

 

There waiting on the step, were several cut up apples that she’d bought the day prior. They sat on clean kerchiefs, ready to be devoured. She’d also found the empty jars she’d bought in town with Kaz, now filled with fresh water. The best part was that she’d also remembered to buy a small tin of peanut butter, too.

 

“Maybe when I haven’t left the kitchen a mess, we can make eggs.” Inej shrugged as Kaz smirked down at her version of cooking.

 

“Correct that statement for me, darling.” Kaz’s eyes narrowed on her, amusement dancing on his face. 

 

“Fine. Maybe, youcan make eggs.” Inej huffed as they settled onto the porch steps, looking out on the spring morning.

 

“Thank you.” Kaz said smugly as he popped an apple slice into his mouth.

 

“Shevrati.” Inej mumbled as she bumped his shoulder with her own.

 

Inej reached under the kerchief beside him, and presented him with a bundle of little red wildflowers she’d picked from the yard.

 

“For me?” Kaz choked on his water.

 

Inej nodded once, cheeks red. He said nothing further as he took the small bushel and placed them in his water glass. She watched as his fingers traced a petal, lips ticked upward at the corners. She’d just wanted to give him flowers. She never understood why men didn’t receive them as much as women.

 

For an hour, they sat there on that porch. They ate apples and Kaz told her about the vegetables his family had once grown in the garden. Inej told him about the flowers Nani would beg him to plant if she were ever allowed on this property. She’d seen nerves cross his face, but then he seemed to relax. To let himself think about it. It was all Inej wanted him to do, and more. They ignored the hard subjects, for just a little while. No talk of her upcoming voyage. No mention of Emilia. Nothing but… pure conversation. Easy. Comfortable.

 

When they didn’t talk, they simply existed. Words did not equate to comfort, for either of them. Silence was just as important, a warm blanket under the morning sun.

 

Only when Inej began to fall asleep, her head against his shoulder, did he coax her up and back into the house.

 

“But it’s morning.” Inej yawned as he pushed her gently down into their pile of pillows and blankets on the living room floor.

 

“And you painted all night.” He settled down beside her, her eyes already shutting on their own accord.

 

Briefly, she remembered him pulling the tie loose from the end of her braid.

 

“Pants. I hate pants and sleep.” Inej mumbled. She heard him sigh as she lifted her hips to help him wiggle off her paint stained leggings. His fingers did not even brush her exposed skin, his care immaculate.

 

“Mmm. Better.” Inej smiled, cracking her eyes open to see him watching her. He tucked the blanket around her bare legs.

 

It was another victory, Inej would realize upon waking. She’d had no qualms in letting Kaz take her pants off while she was halfway to sleep. None at all.

 

Then, Kaz leaned down to her to press a kiss to her temple. He looked like he was leaving. Nope.

 

“No. Stay.” Inej whined against the pillow.

 

“Do you not want Ally to have fresh water? Or Sankt Valentin? I have things to tend.” Kaz said softly, his voice dragging and gentle. Her eyes had closed again without her permission.

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She smiled sleepily.

 

“I saw the dish you put on the porch for the cat, Inej.” He laughed as he stood, leaving her to sleep. He didn’t even argue with her about her attachment to the cat.

 

She’d wanted to banter with him, but sleep came swiftly, pulling her under.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

When Inej woke, she heard a strange hum and scratch. The sun still poured from the windows, but the opposite side of the room. Afternoon. Inej had slept half the day away, bundled in blankets in the Rietveld farm house.

 

Standing barefoot in nothing but her underthings and paint splattered shirt, Inej pulled the blanket around herself as a mobile cocoon to investigate. It wasn’t like anyone was here besides Kaz, and she very much didn’t mind his gaze. Not anymore. Never again.

 

She followed the noise toward the front door, it was definitely coming from outside.

 

Nothing prepared Inej for what she saw as she stepped onto the front porch, a warm breeze coaxing life into her cheeks.

 

Kaz was sawing away low hanging branches from the tree in the yard, an old axe leaning nearby.

 

He was shirtless, in the sun, and outside. It was transcendent. If it were not for her faith in the Saints, she would have deemed the moment a religious experience.

 

Heat sank under Inej’s skin as she watched him bend and pick up a branch, tossing it into a pile beside him. She could see the strength in his back as he worked, the sheen of sweat on his shoulder blades. He wore gloves far different than any she’d ever seen him in. Work gloves, she realized. Gloves with a much different purpose.

 

“If you want, I can get you chair for your show, mera nadra.” He smirked over his shoulder as he dropped more branches into the pile. Of course he knew she was there.

 

Cheeky.

 

“No. I think I prefer the standing section, thank you. Although I would appreciate a snack.” Inej grinned as she tugged the blanket tighter around herself smugly. She could play coy, too.

 

His laugh was easy as he took an axe to the bigger branches. Inej tried to ignore the tightness of her belly, the little butterflies swarming up her throat. Her toes curled into the wood of the steps. Kaz looked so different than when she’d seen him fight, but this new image still awoke something very primal deep in her chest. Something feminine and yet strong as steel.

 

“If you want a bite, come here.” Kaz grinned wickedly as he tossed kindling into a separate pile.

 

She almost ran from the steps. She was not proud of it. She also couldn’t be bothered to care as she charged down the wooden stairs. 

 

Only the blindingly sharp pain in her bare foot stopped her from her mission. She dropped to the damp grass in front of the porch like a sack of sand.

 

“’Nej!” Kaz’s roughened voice made her look up as she gripped her foot, feeling the damp ground soak through her blanket into her bare legs. She grimaced at his blatant concern.

 

She’d fallen. An embarrassed flush seeped up her chest as he dropped to his good knee next to her. A sharp pain ebbed from the bottom of her foot.

 

“Let me see.” Kaz’s eyes left no room for argument as she shifted onto her bottom and let him cradle her foot on his knee.

 

“I don’t know what happened, it felt like someone took a hammer and nail to my arch.” Inej mumbled as he shifted her foot to the sun, his fingers warm against her chilled flesh.

 

“Not so much a nail as a splinter.” Kaz glanced up at her as he gently pushed on the bottom of her foot, enraging the pain. She almost kicked him in the face, it was a close thing.

 

Kaz threw one of his hands up in surrender as she glared at him. “I was trying to get it out, I can see it.” Kaz muttered gently as she shrank further back into the mud.

 

“A splinter?” Inej groaned, her cheeks heating impossibly further. She’d had glass in her feet. She’d had rubber molten into her skin. She’d climbed barefoot in Ketterdam. How had a splinter, a tiny little thing, convinced her of a severed nerve?

 

As if reading her mind, Kaz answered.

 

“It was sharp like anything else, Inej. The house stabbed you. There, is that a better story for you?” He smirked as he pulled a wicked little knife from his pocket. She knew what he was going to do: dig it out.

 

“That’s even worse. A farm house got the drop on me.” Inej found herself laughing as Kaz maneuvered to sit flat on the ground with a huff. He pulled her leg into his lap, angling her foot to the sun.

 

“Fine. How about… while we were out here roughing it, a stray ant decided enough was enough: his people were tired of being squished. He made a call to change the world, picking up a massive sword of oak. He died a hero in battle, stabbing a giant in the foot and rendering her useless in the grass. Now you are the cicadas’ problem. Stories will be told of his greatness for generations under the porch.” Kaz grinned when her laughter bubbled up. She’d had no idea he could be such a gifted carver of fairy tales.

 

“Done.” Kaz tapped her ankle, holding out his hand to show her a tiny sliver of wood, marked with a drop of her blood.

 

“What?” Inej glanced at the splinter and back to his face. She hadn’t even felt it.

 

“My Da used to distract me like that whenever he had to clean one of my many skinned knees as a boy. I never saw the pain coming and never remembered it after.” Kaz’s lips tilted, somewhere between a soft smile and a hard frown.

 

“Clever men, the both of you.” Inej smiled until he looked at her. She tried to keep her eyes from scaling down his still very naked chest. She failed. He grinned. It was grand.

 

“What have you done all day?” Inej nudged his thigh with her toe. His hand was rubbing circles over her ankle as they both dutifully ignored the wet grass seeping into their bottoms. She wasn’t ready to get up yet.

 

“I read over the first half of Nikolai’s file. Kane’s fortress… it’s a piece of work, Inej. I didn’t think I’d ever look at the stupid Ice Court again, but I feel as though I pissed off the Heist Gods and they sent the Ice Court’s angrier and meaner sister to spite me.” Kaz ran his fingers through his hair, she noticed the sides were longer than he normally kept them. She couldn’t remember the last time he’d cut it as close to his scalp as he used to. She liked it. It was also not what she was meant to be gleaning from this dampened conversation.

 

“That bad?” Inej tried not to wince. Kaz was being candid, but if only for a moment, she wished he was the Kaz who kept the brevity of the danger from her until the last second. She regretted the thought the moment it crossed the ocean of her mind.

 

“It will be safe, Inej. As safe as I can plan it. If I can’t ensure your safety, and Nina’s… I will tell you. I will tell you and silently beg you not to go.” Kaz looked at her ankle as he uttered the words, his shoulders bunched. She knew what he meant.

 

He’d never try to command her not to go. He wouldn’t ask it of her, he never had, since that one fateful night on a ship under the stars. They’d both learned lessons since then.

 

He squeezed her ankle twice, to reassure them both.

 

“Then what did you do?” Inej asked. It was selfish, but she didn’t want to talk about her voyage yet. They had a week here, and last night had been… warped.

 

She wanted one day to look at Kaz Rietveld, to see him spotlighted by sun and sky instead of sin and shadow.

 

“Then I… well I made a list of things I want done, to give to the caretaker of the house and immediate property. I also made a list for the farmhands, the ones that are still employed by me for the single field that harvests.” Kaz trailed off, his mouth clicking shut. Inej sensed he’d almost said more, but he was fighting one of his own internal battles.

 

She waited, tilting her face to the afternoon sun.

 

“I took a walk… toward the property line. Toward the orchards a couple miles east.” Kaz said, his voice a ghost of stone. Sand. His whisper reminded her of sand, then. Coarse, but not as tough as it usually was.

 

She knew the significance of his words.

 

Emilia. A cottage near the neighboring orchards. He’d walked in her direction.

 

“I saw the little house. I saw it on the ridge, and I turned around. I couldn’t go back to the documents and you looked peaceful. So… I got to work.” Kaz continued, not looking at her but no longer avoiding her face, either.

 

“You like doing this, don’t you?” Inej said gently, gesturing to the wood, the trees. She didn’t say any more about what he’d admitted. She knew, he would tell her his decision when he made it. When he was ready.

 

It would have been a lie if she’d said she wasn’t curious, hopeful. She wanted him to know the answers to the questions his aunt had left in her wake. Inej would also not force his hand, ever. She’d be beside him, no matter what. For better or worse.

 

Kaz nodded, a spark returning to his black irises. He cast his gaze over the yard, to the much healthier looking trees that he’d just worked on stripping.

 

“I forgot what it was like to use my hands like this, to use my body like this. It’s not quite the same, with my leg, but it… it feels good. To work. Even if my knee is sore.” Kaz hummed. Inej sat, staring. Marveling. Had he even realized, how honest he’d been?

 

A few moments later, he squeezed her ankle again.

 

“My ass is cold and wet; I don’t know about yours.” He turned to her as she giggled.

 

“It is.” Inej laughed.

 

“Come on. I’ll run you a bath to clean your splinter cut. And I’m tired of the yellow in your hair, it’s driving me crazy.” Kaz stood stiffly, reaching for his cane she hadn’t even noticed against a tree. He held out his hand to her. She didn’t even feel a twinge of pain in her foot as he lifted her to her feet.

 

“Oh, come on, Kaz! Doesn’t it spice things up for you? I can be blonde for you!” Inej laughed as she began to walk back to the house, careful of each wooden step and the blood thirsty ant-knights.

 

“I’m not lacking in any of that for you, Inej. No need to add yellow to the mix.” His words brushed her neck on the stairs as he passed her, close enough to kiss if she’d been quick enough.

 

She definitely hadn’t imagined his sneaky hand that smacked her damp ass on his way up.

 

She grinned as he gave her a smirk over his shoulder. She flushed from head to toe for an entirely different reason, and suddenly, she couldn’t catch up to him fast enough.

 

 

KAZ

 

            Inej was humming to herself as she trimmed a couple of petals off of the tulips he’d given to her on the way to Lij. He’d found a jar for them last night, but now… now Inej was carefully settling the jar of flowers right in the center of the table, right where the water rings of his father’s vase were still imprinted in the wood. 

 

His heart hammered as he watched her, her hair damp from the bath he’d drawn for her in the small bathroom, bells ago. He hadn’t expected her to love the old brass basin tub, but she’d simply looked at him and said “it’s closer to my size, mera chaar.”

 

Now, hours later, they’d built a fire in the hearth, lit lanterns in the dark corners of the living room and lit the old fixture hanging above the kitchen table.

 

For the first time in years, surely since the old tenants had sold the property back to Kaz… the house was glowing. Lived in, or at least a measure of it.

 

Kaz had piled logs up on the porch beside the door in a neat pile, right where his Da used to keep the firewood. He didn’t quite know why, but there was something satisfying about the process. He’d cut all the wood from the trees, and now, they could use it for their stay.

 

Sankt Valentin had meandered to the back door just as Kaz settled down at the kitchen table with Inej, a makeshift dinner between them. They’d purchased a decent amount of groceries in Lij, mostly things that could last them a week without an ice box. Tonight, was dried jerky sandwiches and a side of broth with fresh vegetables that had been cooked by himself. Inej had helped with chopping the onion, the carrots. She’d not gotten near the open flame of the cook stove (which he’d spent an entire bell meticulously cleaning of dust).

 

“Do not open that door, Inej.” He cautioned as she stared out the screen door toward a pitiful tabby cat and his begging mewls. “He needs to survive without us.”

 

“Surely you could have the caretaker leave food out for him a few times a week? I won’t let him into the house. He looks like he needs some jerky.” Inej was already ripping a tiny piece of meat up in her fingers.

 

“Oh for fucks’ sake.” Kaz rolled his eyes as she darted for the door. His cane caught her around the waist.

 

“Let me go! Let me feed the cat!” Inej giggled as he began to reel her back towards the table.

 

“No.” He tried to sound every bit like he had some sort of resolve in the face of her flushed cheeks. He gulped when she looked at him fully, a sly sort of smile on her lips.

 

Then, before he knew it, she was straddling him, his cane behind her back. How had she gotten it? He couldn’t remember.

 

“Let me feed the cat, and I promise I’ll make it up to you.” She blinked with wide eyes and obscenely long eyelashes.

 

“Are you flirting with me?” He almost choked as one of her hands smoothed over his shirt. She had still not touched his skin, but Ghezen he wished she would.

 

“Always.” She whispered before she leaned forward and pressed a ghost of a kiss to his collar through the fabric.

 

“You are distracting me.” He rasped as he watched her.

 

Sankt Valentin meowed again, confirming his words.

 

“See? He knows what you’re up to.” Kaz huffed as she trailed more kisses across his shoulders.

 

His eyes barely stayed open. She was here, on this sacred ground, flirting with him. Reducing him to pliable clay to meet her every whim. He didn’t mind it one damn bit.

 

Part of him wondered if he should have felt strange, wanting Inej so much in his childhood home. No part of him felt odd, though. He supposed it was because he was the next generation of seven before him.

 

He still silently told the ghosts to look away as he smoothed his hands over her lower back, pulling her closer.

 

“I’m going to feed the cat, then we are going to finish dinner, then… you are not looking at a single one of those documents until tomorrow.” Inej whispered to him, steady and sure.

 

“A command?” He chuckled and he felt her smile against his cheek as she kissed him.

 

“A strongly worded request. We’re going to bed.”

 

“You slept half the day and now you’re telling me you’re already tired?”

 

“I never said anything about sleeping.” Her lips brushed his, a surprise considering his jaw was somewhere on the ground.

 

Before he could reply, she was off and opening the door, feeding a strangely smug cat, his cane leaning against the table.

 

Wicked, stealthy, beautiful woman.

 

            As Kaz watched her, from the same chair that had been his, every morning and evening meal as a boy, he wondered if she knew that she’d chosen Jordie’s chair. Every single time, she chose Jordie’s chair. To paint the kitchen. To sit.

 

            He looked at her vacant seat, now. He could hear her talking to the cat through the screen door, and tulips and candle wax scented the freshly painted kitchen. Kaz took a deep breath as he reached his hand across the table to the scratches in the wood that Jordie had left from his constant tapping as a boy. Jesper did that, too.

 

            “I hope you don’t mind that she sits there, brother. It’s good to see it filled.” Kaz whispered under his breath.

 

            A single petal fell from Inej’s tulips and landed on his outstretched hand.

 

            He felt its feathery caress all the way in his bones, like a firm handshake.

 

He put the petal in his pocket before he stood to join Inej.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

           

            “Kaz? Did you hear that?” Inej pulled away from his lips in the hallway between the kitchen and the living room. He groaned as he pressed his forehead to hers. They’d just come inside and they hadn’t made it to their makeshift bed before their lips had collided.

 

            “Yes.” He rasped, annoyed. It had sounded like a knock on the front door.It was eight bells at night, why would anyone be all the way out here, now?

 

            Irritated and a truly confused, Kaz marched toward the door, Inej following a few paces behind him. He gave her a pointed look, just in case, before he reached the handle. Inej nodded once, lifting her shirt to display Sankt Vladimir on her belt before dropping the fabric. Kaz had his cane.

 

            When Kaz opened the door, there was no one there. Even more annoying.

 

            “Kaz.” Inej whispered as she peered under his arm, unable to move around him. “Look.”

 

            Kaz followed her eyes to the ground, where a small wooden chest waited. On top, was an envelope.

 

            His stomach dropped as he read the neat script, a single word to indicate who the envelope was for.

 

            Nephew.

 

            Kaz looked out into the darkness, and he saw a lantern disappearing down the drive, bouncing as if strapped to a horse. He’d never catch her. He didn’t think he wanted to. He wanted to rip the envelope to shreds.

 

            Nephew. Disgusting.

 

            “What is it?” Inej knelt as he stepped aside. She handed the envelope up to him, keeping her distance as he unfolded the note within. It was short. Very short.

 

 

            Kaz,

 

            Proof I am who I claim to be. I wanted you to see it. Please know I never intended to see you on the hill. After seven years back in Kerch, I thought certainly I never would. Pass my apologies to your wife, too.

 

            I’ll be here, when you’re ready. If you ever are. I won’t disturb you.

 

            Yours,

            Aunt Emilia

 

            Kaz swallowed as he passed the note to Inej for her to read. She glanced at the chest as he carried it inside. Kaz set it in the lantern light atop the still covered piano. It was not that heavy, only a rusted latch greeted him. No lock.

 

            Was this woman destined to shatter any sense of peace he found here with Inej? He’d been planning to kiss his fiancé until the fire died… to do anything they could accomplish, now. He’d wanted to undress Inej body and soul and kiss every inch of her.

 

            Why now? Why now?

 

            He hadn’t wanted to think of Emilia any more today. He’d already thought of her this morning as he walked the dirt paths through the fields. He’d walked four miles on his leg today, all because of this cursed woman.

 

            His aunt.

 

            “Kaz?” Inej set the note beside the chest as he stood frozen. He felt like he was waiting for the box to sprout fangs and snap at him. What was in it? What could possibly prove her claims? He’d seen her face. No, he didn’t need more proof that he was related to her.

 

            What Kaz needed was a fucking witch hunt, torch and stake to match.

 

            Why hadn’t she been here? Why the fuck wasn’t his mother’s children enough for her to at the least send a note of condolence when Da died? Even if she couldn’t take him and Jordie, couldn’t she have at the least… pointed them in a direction? A safer one?

 

            “I don’t want to open it, Inej.” He said slowly, eyes seeking hers in the flickering light. She was bathed golden, warm and real. He reached for her hand and she clasped their fingers tight together.

 

            “Would it help if I opened it, first?” Inej asked, squeezing his fingers. “I know you, mera chaar. I know you won’t be able to sleep with this box here tonight without knowing.”

 

            He hated how right she was. He wished for perhaps the first time that he didn’t have a mind that demanded to uncover secrets, solve puzzles and equations. In fact, it might have always been the thing he liked most about himself. But… not right now.

 

            He turned her words over as he looked eyes with the screws of the latch on the chest.

 

            “Yes.” Kaz breathed, hoping he wouldn’t regret it. What if Emilia was an enemy? What did she have on him? Did she come back because she found out who he was in Ketterdam? Kruge? Power?

 

            He felt the paranoia seep into his veins as Inej leaned up to brush a kiss to his cheek.

 

            “Do you want to see or…?” She asked as she stepped up to the piano.

 

            “Turn it around and just tell me what it is.” Kaz swallowed. He felt like a goddamned child, afraid of the scarecrow in the fields and running to hide in Jordie’s covers when he caught a glimpse of it from the bedroom window.

 

            Dimly, he thought going upstairs would be a little better now that the infernal straw man was long gone.

 

            “Did you know my father had a box like this? He convinced me that he and Mama hid treasure in it.” Inej smiled softly as she turned the chest away from him, toward herself.

 

            “Did you ever find out what was in it?” Kaz asked, the question so disarming he couldn’t help but find out. He almost smiled as Inej chuckled, her white teeth bright in the dim.

 

            “Not until I was twelve. He told me I had to find the key, first. Years went by without me thinking of the chest on their dresser, until one day I found a key in the bottom of my clothing chest. He must have left it there for years, I notoriously never cleaned out that trunk.

 

            I knew what the key was to immediately, though. It was just a feeling in my gut. I almost trampled my parents on their floor cushions as I sprinted for their dresser.”

 

            “What was in it?” Kaz was smiling now, thinking of Kahir and Sharya shrieking at a young Inej, dashing through the Ghafa caravan.

 

            “Candle sticks. Literally. Spare candle sticks. I don’t think I’d ever felt so mad at Papa. He laughed and said when I was younger, they kept the box locked because they kept the matches for the lanterns in there, too. They didn’t want me playing with fire.”

 

            “I would have been livid.” Kaz chuckled hoarsely.

 

            “Papa said the point was to keep me believing in magic, for as long as possible. He didn’t fail me. I got to ponder that mystery for years, and at the end of it… I realized it was one of those memories that would stick with me forever. Because it was magic, that memory of him.” Inej smiled softly.

 

Kaz sucked in a rush of air as he heard the lid of the box snap shut.

 

            Inej had already been looking, and he hadn’t even noticed. She’d… she’d done for him what he’d done for her only this afternoon. She’d told him a tale, so the pain could ebb instead of drown.

 

            “What is it?” Kaz watched her as she set a hand atop the box, her lips turned into a smile, though he swore it was a sad one.

 

            “Letters, Kaz. Letters addressed to Emilia… from your father.”

 

            Kaz reached for the box without thinking and snapped the lid open with more force than necessary. It wasn’t possible. Inej was wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

 

            Inej flinched from his sudden movement, the noise. She stepped back from him.

 

            He hadn’t been wrong about this monstrous box.

 

Pointed white edges faded with time greeted him, teeth prepared to latch onto his paper-thin soul and never let go.

Notes:

Socials! :

tiktok: @ravenyenn19

tumblr: @ravenyenn19

 

EEEEEKKKK. Plz talk to me. I need to gush with you all vicariously because I can't spoil anything.

Chapter 130: Quiet Truth

Summary:

A talk, a battle.

Notes:

Chapter 130!!!

Hi everyone!!! Here I am! I'm sorry all of my writing has been kind on delay across all my stories. The holidays have kicked my butt and it's unfortunate that I've had to keep you all waiting. I hope you understand how much I want to be here sharing these stories with you and know how much you all mean to me, every single one of you. I promise if not tonight then certainly within the next few days, I'll have more updates for you across all my stories. I've written a ton but I still need to do my editing. I just want you to know I've always wanted to give you quality rather than quantity... it's important to me, as an author. I love you all.

Any how, I hope you love this one. It's a lot of moving pieces that I actually found meshed together. Originally, half of this chapter was going to be "deleted scenes" but it was just too much of an important message to me. Truly. I hope you love it. I promise the next one is going to be... exciting, on all fronts ;) I hope you love it.

Thank you forever and always. You guys are the absolute forking best and I just want you to know how much I appreciate your patience.

Leave me a comment because I'm a little desperate as I had less time to fine comb this one. <333 please??? Love you.

"Never Til Now" by Ashley Cooke. (Yes it's country, but the lyrics. Especially the end. Just... listen or at least look the lyrics up if the sound isn't your vibe. Please. <3)

KAZ

 

 

            Em,

 

            I know you said I could write you. I know you did, but damn if it isn’t the hardest fucking thing to do, now.

 

            It’s nearly sunrise, and I haven’t slept. Kaz is crying every hour, and I can’t help but wonder if he misses his mother. Sure, I talked to him in there, in Elle’s belly. I think he knows my voice, and his brother’s. But Elena sang to him, every morning and night. While she cut flowers in the yard, her hand wrapped around her belly like he was already her little shadow. He knew her. Does he cry because she isn’t here? Does he cry because she never will be, and he already knows?

 

            Fuck, Em. What am I going to do without her? What are we going to do without her? It’s been a week and I think I sucked up her scent on the pillows too fast. It’s fadin’. It’s fadin’ fast. I’m drowning. I miss her. I miss my wife laughing in the morning. I miss walking into town with Jordie on my shoulders and holding her hand. I miss knowing she and I would rise and fall together.

 

            He’s crying again. My boy is crying and I can’t even pull myself together enough to make him feel better when all I do is cry, when Jordie’s not lookin’. He’s trying so hard. He’s always telling me to hold Kaz better, to let him move into my room so he can wake up with his brother, instead.

 

            Jordie’s four. Four damned years old. He looks at his brother like Elle looked at him. Looked at me. How is my son so smart already? I’d be fertilizer if it weren’t for my eldest. He’s keeping us together.

 

That little boy is holdin’ Kaz and I on his shoulders and soldiering on like a fucking bull faced with red.

 

            I wish you woulda stayed Em. I could’ve used a friend. A sister. You always were, you know that? Elle loved you more than there are roots in the earth. I love you, too. I know you had to go. I know why you went.

 

            A word from you, and I’ll kill him. I’ll do it for my Elena’s sister. I’ll do it so my boys can grow up with you, the way I grew up beside you.

 

            Come home, Em. Come here. I’ll help you rent a place in town. My boys need more than me.

 

            What if I can’t do it on my own?

 

            I’m sorry for letting it all out on your shoulders, little Em.

 

            Bram, Kaz, & Jordan Rietveld.

 

            We all send our love.

 

 

           

 

            Em,

 

            Kaz laughed today. He laughed for me. He laughed, all gums and bubbles and I’ll be damned if he didn’t look just like Jordie did at that age.

 

            Jordan was pissed Kaz laughed for me instead of him. He pouted and threw his little pencils on the ground. Kaz laughed then, too. Right there in the kitchen in his little bassinet deal that Elena saved from Jordie’s first year.

 

            Kaz taunted his brother and he ain’t even crawling yet. I’m in for a journey, I’m telling you.

 

            Ghezen, I miss her. I miss my wife more than a person should be capable. It’s only been twelve weeks since Kaz was born, and my girl died.

 

            Not a day goes by that I don’t walk with Kaz in my arms and Jordie on my shoulders out to the hill. “Snow or shine we go and see Mama”. Jordie says that, every day. He brings her any rocks he deems pretty enough.

 

            She wanted Kaz so much. Elena wanted that little boy. I’ll never forget the day she came home from town, all rosy cheeks and sunshine. She’d gone to see the doc, old rogers? You remember him? He’s still the best medicine practioner in town, I’d sell the harvest on it.

 

            She couldn’t stop crying or smiling when she told me we were going to have a second baby. I couldn’t stop crying or smiling the rest of her fucking pregnancy. I wanted him, too.

 

            Ghezen help me, Em. I still do want this little boy. He’s bright and so fucking curious. About everything. I thought babies were supposed to eat, shit, and sleep. Not Kaz. I should’ve known. Jordie was always different, too. Special. These boys of mine are so much sharper than their dull rake of a Da.

 

            Does it make me a better father, or a worse husband, that I think I’d still choose Kaz in the end? When it came to saving my Elle or him? She made that call when the doc said it was her or the babe.

 

            She didn’t hesitate. She chose our son, and she said she’d try and beat the odds. I wish she had. Some days, I’m angry that she made that call without even looking me in the eye. Some days, I’m over the fucking sun about it. She always knew the right thing to do before I did. Always. I love her so much. I always will.

 

            So much blood, Em. You were there. I’m so grateful you were there when she closed her eyes.

 

She would’ve wanted you to know her boys. Not to guilt ya. Never. It’s just the truth.

 

            Jordan asked about you. He said “where’s mama’s Kaz”. To Jordie, as a four-year-old, he thinks Kaz will look just like him, too. He thinks “twin” means brother or sister. Nothin’ special.

 

            I don’t reckon he’s wrong. Kaz pinches his fingers and waves his wobbly arms the second Jordie comes in from playing outside. They look just alike. Same mop of black hair. Same chin as me. Your eyes. Elena’s eyes.

 

            Emilia. My sister, your family misses you. I know Elena is looking over you, wherever you are, but I wish my wife would send you with a nudge back to Lij. You’re still a part of this family. You have us. It doesn’t have to be forever, that pain I know you’re in.

 

            Maybe… Maybe we won’t ever be a normal family. Not without Elle. But maybe, we could be good enough. I won’t ever love another woman like I loved your sister. I know you’ll never love a man.

 

            We could be partners, to get these boys brought up. You were my best friend, Emilia. You were Elle’s whole world before me or these littles. She’d want you safe. I want you safe.

 

            Keep your head up, Em. Keep that knife Elle and I gave you. Keep it nearby, okay?

 

            I’m not much for religion, but hell if I don’t have your name in my prayers. I hope I’m wrong. I hope you haven’t written back because you’ve found yourself happy. So happy that my letters slipped your mind.

 

            I won’t take offense. Ain’t nothing wrong so long as my sister’s happy and my boys are safe and my wife is waiting for me on the other side of the sky.

 

            Bram, Kaz, & Jordie. With love.

 

 

            Kaz swallowed as his shoulders shook. His Da’s handwriting, right there, all these years later. In the first envelope, yellow and dinged with the years brushed against it, was a scribble of a drawing. Jordie’s little kid letters signing his name beneath it.

 

            Inej had left to warm water for tea, and he’d told her he didn’t want to read them. These letters. He’d lasted all of two seconds in her absence. His self-control was at a low.

 

            Salt curled into his lips from tears he wanted to banish from his face. He could hear Inej in the kitchen, the banging of the little kettle they’d bought in town. The crackle of a warm fire in the hearth and the slight creak of the breeze against the house. Sounds. Life.

 

            Kaz was grateful, all at once, for his father. For the man who’d said it not only to Kaz when he’d gotten old enough to hear, but to Emilia, that he’d have chosen Kaz still, even if Elena was lost. Kaz’s father had loved him. It was written in black and white fact, with swooping lines and careless ink blots.

 

            He couldn’t pick up another envelope of the fifty still left in the small chest. He could barely set down the one in his fingers. There were a thousand questions, a thousand details of his childhood he wanted to snatch up; memories forgotten in a chest he’d never even known existed.

 

            Emilia… she’d met Jordie. He hadn’t remembered her, clearly. His brother would have told him, if he had. Kaz knew it. She’d… she’d been here, the day Kaz was born. She’d been there the day Mama died. She’d… she’d been his father’s friend. His sister-in-law. Emilia had been here… why had she left? Why hadn’t he known her? Why hadn’t she… written his Da back? What could have been more important, than at the least, sending Da a response? A way to grieve, perhaps just a little less alone?

 

            Kaz had grieved once in the comfort of his brother, when their Da passed. Kaz had grieved alone, when Jordie floated away. He knew both ends of the spectrum, intimately.

 

            He knew which he’d pick, over and over again. His Da had hid it, so well. Hid his pain from himself and Jordie. Kaz only ever glimpsed Bram’s pain, when he sat at this piano at which Kaz now stood, covered in dust and linen.

 

            “Kaz?” Inej’s soft voice wrapped around his shoulders as he heard the barest drop of her bare feet against the wood floors. He knew she made the sound for him.

 

            “I read two.” Kaz ground out, willing his cheeks to dry before he looked at her. He didn’t wish to hide, but he didn’t… he didn’t know how to explain. How to weave his fingers through language and make a sentence to articulate what these tears meant.

 

            This woman behind him had taken up knives and hacked at the poisoned vines around his very soul. She’d seen him in his agony, his despair, and the happiest he’d ever been. She’d seen him naked. All the way through. Naked in flesh and existence. He was not hiding from her.

 

            He just didn’t know the words to express the feeling in his chest. Kaz was overwhelmed with the need to live. The tears on his face were hollow expressions of happiness and profound grief. An echo of love.

 

He still hated his aunt, but he could no longer deny her title. He still hated himself, but could no longer deny his progress. He still wanted his empire, but could no longer deny the want for something more. Something to leave behind when he joined his family in the root-ridden ground.

 

These letters were shaking him to the core, but still, he stayed rooted. Mindful of his own limits, somehow.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Inej asked. He could smell her mug of tea, wafting towards him against the hint of smoke in the air.

 

“What type of tea did you make? It doesn’t smell like chamomile.” Kaz’s voice was hoarse, but the question was genuine. He didn’t know how to answer hers, yet. He still did not turn away from the piano, but his fingers finally released their grip on the lid of the chest. It fell closed with a soft click, the letters hidden once more.

 

“Just… just a blend I picked up recently.” Inej said after a long moment, her voice stuttering over the words. It was enough of a difference for Kaz to turn and look at her, still leaning against the piano. His cheeks thankfully dry now, in the heat of the fireplace.

 

“Why do you sound weird?” Kaz asked as he watched her take a small sip, her throat working around a swallow. She’d let her hair free again, the smooth onyx waves shimmering with her shrug.

 

“I don’t.” Inej denied, though her eyes avoided his as she glanced anywhere but directly on his face. It was as if she was afraid of meeting his gaze, like he’d latch on. She wasn’t wrong.

 

“Inej. You’re being weird about tea. You didn’t offer me any. You always offer me tea, even if I say no ninety-five percent of the time.” Kaz rasped, eyes following the burnished rose flush that dripped from her cheeks to her throat. He raised a brow pointedly.

 

“I just figured you’d say no.” Inej countered, shifting uneasily on her feet. Now he was truly curious. Inej didn’t fiddle. Something was either wrong, or she was embarrassed. He wouldn’t let either slip from his attention.

 

“It’s nothing, Kaz. Not tonight.” Inej was chewing on her bottom lip, leaving a bee sting effect. He was supposed to do that. He liked doing that.His eyes narrowed on her motion, she stopped the moment she was caught.

 

“Why not tonight? Why are you hiding from me, Inej?” He asked quietly as her fingers tightened on her chipped mug that she’d brought with her from their apartment in Ketterdam.

 

“Because your…”

 

“Aunt.” Kaz supplied, knowing her next words were frozen in her throat, unsure how to refer to the metaphorical elephant-slash- long lost family member in the room.

 

“Yes, well she just dropped off something that is important, Kaz. Eclipsing levels of important.” She continued, her eyes fascinated by the lantern behind him.

 

            “Important, yes. Not eclipsing of you, Inej.” Kaz retorted.

 

            “That’s not what I meant… I just, you read some of the letters. Are you okay?” Inej asked softly.

 

            The answer in Kaz’s mouth was not what he expected.

 

            “I’m okay.” He answered, honestly. He didn’t know what that answer reflected of him, or if his stability would last, but he clung to it and cradled that feeling.

 

            Inej nodded once before she slipped her way toward their temporary bed on the floor. She thought she’d gotten out of answering him, it was clear when her shoulders dipped slightly in relief.

 

            Kaz didn’t hesitate to use her distraction as she set her mug on the hearth to straighten the blankets. He plucked up the mug before she’d registered he’d walked toward her and took a swig of the sickly sweet hazy water.

 

            He almost spat it back out as Inej yelped an annoyed noise. He swallowed, barely.

 

            “You infuriating man!” Inej growled as she took the mug back from his fingers, he didn’t resist her. He was almost choking, almost laughing.

 

            “Why the hell are you drinking that? It tastes like someone diluted syrup with sewer water.” Kaz rasped on the end of a cough, he couldn’t help his amusement from bleeding into his voice.

 

            Inej huffed an angry sigh as she dropped to the floor in the middle of their bed rolls, legs crisscrossed angrily beneath her.

 

            “Drop it, Kaz.” Inej replied, voice cool. Kaz registered the flush on her cheeks, the annoyed set of her brows. He’d actually upset her… over gross tea? No. There was something else here.

 

            Kaz would be lying if he said he didn’t quickly run the math in his head, deciphering if her monthly cycle was beginning. It wasn’t. He kept track. It felt important so he could remember to have her herbs on hand back in Ketterdam. Besides, Inej wasn’t ever petty with him, even when she was on her cycle. Never had been.

 

            “Hey.” Kaz limped forward to settle across from her on the floor, his knee groaning in relief. He’d stood at the piano for too long. Stood tense, for too long.

 

            Inej graced him with her eyes for all of a second before she turned her chin to look back at the rumbling fire. She was worrying her lip again, her hands folding and unfolding around the ceramic mug in her lap.

 

            “’Nej? What did I do?” Kaz reached out slowly, letting his hand fall on her knee only when he made sure she saw him coming.

 

            Her eyes widened in guilt, finally landing on his face. He saw the color deepen on her cheeks as she nervously brushed a strand of hair behind her ear.

 

            “You didn’t do anything. I’m sorry, here I am being weird and selfish when you just… when you just faced something bigger than I can imagine.” Inej mumbled as her hand gently touched his, her fingers tracing along the scar on his knuckles.

 

            Sparks leapt from her fingers, leaving a little track of heat under his skin. He hadn’t realized how much he’d wanted her touch, just now. How much he’d craved her singular warmth that his body recognized on some subconscious level, a plain of him that only Inej could access. He’d wanted her close, the moment he’d opened that box, he recognized now.

 

            He needed to learn how to ask for that. He knew it. Kaz wondered when he’d begun realizing her touches felt like love to him. Just like the little things she did, like making him breakfast. Or the grand things, like painting a kitchen yellow. Those things made him feel… cherished. A ridiculous word, but fitting.

 

            “You aren’t being selfish. I want to know what made you look like you were going to run away from me. Did I say something? I only meant to tease about your… interesting tea.” Kaz caught her eyes as his lips curled in a tentative smile. He saw the shimmer of amusement flutter behind her gaze. There’s my girl.

           

            “I was embarrassed.” Inej admitted on a soft exhale, her fingers curling around his, toying with his knuckles gently. He let himself feel her touch all the way to his toes, smiled when she curled her pinky around his ring finger, her head tilting thoughtfully.

 

            “I can’t wait to see a band on your hand, too.” She said more to herself than him. He couldn’t help the rise of emotion in his chest, that she wanted that as much as him.

 

Hell, he’d wear his ring now if he’d brought it. Instead, it was waiting back in Ketterdam. He’d put the band Nani had given him for his marriage to Inej in his most secure place. A place no one would look for gold. An old book, hollowed out with a deck of cards in the middle.

 

            The first safe he’d ever owned.

 

            “What were you embarrassed about, sweetheart?” The endearment escaped his lips without a thought, he tried it on for size. Mera nadra was forever, but he might like to toss this one in, too.  

 

            The Ketterdam born Dirtyhands called him a lovesick fool. Kaz didn’t disagree. Every day he thought he’d found the depth of the well inside him, and every day, he dug an inch deeper into his bones to accommodate the love he had for this woman. One day, he’d hollow those bones of marrow entirely, and replace it with this feeling inside him that rose whenever she laughed.

 

            Inej was smiling at him, now. Her eyes twinkling. The light flocked to her, highlighting her skin. He entwined their fingers, encouraging her with his eyes. She could read him without a word, and if he had to bet, they could have this entire conversation without uttering a sound. Still, he needed to know what had happened in that span of moments, what had sent her eyes away from him.

 

            “The tea… I bought it, that day I had lunch with Nina… the day after Pekka tried to… hang me.” Inej began, her fingers squeezing on his gently. He waited for her to continue, refusing to let his blood simmer in the wake of Pekka’s name. His blood simmered for Inej, only. Only her.

 

            “Nina… well, I tell her things I might not tell anyone else, save you, now. We’ve always had that bond, you know.”

 

            Kaz nodded, this was not new information. He’d caught those two girls giggling behind his back on more than one occasion, even before the Ice Court. Nina was her best friend; he’d seen it in the way Zenik’s absence had hung on Inej’s shoulders until her surprise return to Kerch.

 

            Kaz could admit now, that in the months after Inej’s first voyage, he’d felt the same about Jesper. He’d missed him, even in the same city. A part of Kaz pitied the boy he’d been, shoving Jesper and Wylan away in that half year. He’d not make that mistake again.

 

Then, he realized he’d never told Inej of that night on her ship. Perhaps, he could help her continue with a truth of his own.

 

            “I know. She’s your Jesper.” Kaz chuckled under his breath. His lips tilted as she raised a brow at him.

 

            “Jesper knows everything about me, now. My… past. He knows where we are, now. I told him, after… after we both almost died in the sea. He’s my brother. I know it, now.” Kaz admitted the words with ease, the truth falling from his mouth like an exhaled breath. He’d never admit to it in court, but he could tell his avri.

 

            “He knows? About… about Jordie? About… about the plague?” Inej gaped at him, hope shining in her eyes.

 

            He nodded, squeezed her hand. He saw her proud words in her look alone. She didn’t need to voice them. Warmth filled his chest as she brought their clasped hands to her lips and kissed his fingers, just once, gentle and firm all at once.

 

            It said more than any language was capable of. He’d wanted to share that with her, his accomplishment. He should have found the time to do it sooner.

 

            “Go on, about Zenik.” Kaz rasped.

 

            “We had lunch on my ship, as I told her about everything that had happened while she was away. She of course asked questions about our personal life that I will not be repeating, but you have to live with the knowledge that I answered some of them, Kaz Brekker.” Inej grinned as her eyes grazed his chest, and admittedly, somewhere toward his lap.

 

            He rolled his eyes.

 

            “Tell me she didn’t ask for a reference.”

 

            “Kaz! No! I just used my hands to approximate size.” Inej gasped at him as she dissolved into chuckles from his glare.

 

            “You did not.” Kaz found himself laughing, at the sheer ridiculousness of Zenik’s knowledge of his anatomy.

 

            “Continue.” Kaz chuckled again, just as her smile turned thoughtful.

 

            “It’s… our conversation got me thinking. I wanted… to be prepared.” Inej winced slightly and he almost reached to tip her chin back up. She was cradling their hands in her lap, now. He waited patiently as she moved to take another long drink of the tea before setting it on the hearth once more.

 

            “The tea is gross, I know. But it’s important. I started drinking it only when we came home from the… failed voyage.” Inej turned their hands over, her eyes straying back to his face.

 

            Kaz supposed it was a failed voyage, but he couldn’t bring himself to regret it. They’d sunk two of Kane De Vries’ ships, if nothing else. They’d also taken care of that girl’s body that the slaver had left as a message for Inej. He knew how important that had been for Inej, even if she hadn’t been able to save the girl’s life. Inej had sent her body to reaper’s barge with honor, it was a gift to be sent to the grave by one of her own people. The Suli viewed death as final rest, and Kaz knew how impactful that act had been for Inej.

 

            “Why did you wait to drink a tea?” Kaz mused gently, watching each of her expressions carefully. He felt like he was in a heist, getting whatever this admission was out of Inej’s heavily secured mind. He was hardly a criminal worth his salt, in this endeavor. Clearly.

 

            “Because… it felt closer to being necessary than ever before.” Inej responded, vague and nervous. He could tell from the way her hand shook in his that this was a heavy admission for her. He tightened his grip and he saw her inhale deeply, the exhale quivering like a leaf.

 

            “Mera nadra, you can tell me anything.” Kaz urged, he didn’t like feeling the fear that was now coasting against his skin, blowing in off her anxious tide. Not with him. He was supposed to be her shelter, as she was his.

 

            “I wanted to be prepared, for… anything. Whenever we got there.” Inej whispered cautiously.

 

            Kaz felt like he was missing something obvious. The tea had to do with him?

 

            “I just… give me a second.” Inej asked as she closed her eyes, hand now clammy in his. It didn’t bother him anymore. Only the briefest flush of nerves rose at the realization she was sweating, he brushed it away easily. Inej was warm from the fire, breathing beside him. So alive that none of his demons could even break through the door to this room to convince him otherwise.

 

            He wondered if the ghosts of his family picked up rusted farming tools and beat his demons to hell, running them off this property. He almost smiled at the thought.

 

            “Anything I can do?” Kaz found himself asking, recognizing the little furrow in Inej’s brows as she talked herself down internally from some kind of ledge. He felt entirely lost, but he knew he could cut her own shadows down to size if she needed him to help her. Anything for her.

 

            Inej shook her head before her eyes opened on a deep breath, her gaze brighter than before. Clearer.

 

            “The tea… it’s a contraceptive. I’ve been drinking it once a day, because I never wanted us to have to… worry about that. If we get there. When. When we get there.” Inej held his eyes but he felt her shaking, even still.

 

            A tea? He’d known several different preventative methods existed, he was not daft nor innocent in his crude understanding of how the pleasure houses continued to operate without bastards running wild. He supposed he should tell her now, that he’d also thought of it. Months ago.

 

            “Inej, why are you shaking?” Kaz realized she was pulling her fingers from his, he latched on gently, still giving her space to break contact if she wished while conveying his want for her to stay. She stayed her hand in his.

 

            “Because… I didn’t know if… was that forward of me? I know we’ve come so far… I just… I want you to know I am not saying I have some expectation, from either of us, anytime soon… I don’t even know how I’ll… or if you…” She trailed off, but her fingers clung tight to his again.

 

            “Inej, if I told you right now that I’ve been dropping a contraceptive tonic into my coffee daily since before you began sipping that tea, would that cause you to run or feel relieved, that we were on the same page without having spoken about it?”

 

            “You have?” Inej tilted her head, the beginnings of a smile at the corners of her lips.

 

            “Yes.” Kaz answered.

 

            “I didn’t… I wasn’t rushing anything?” Inej asked, her voice timid. He recognized the fingerprints of Heleen all over her expression. Of course Inej had been forced to take contraceptive in the Menagerie. Of course she’d accepted it, no matter what. He would have, too.

 

            “No. Not at all.”

 

            “I didn’t know there were methods… for men. I must’ve missed that, in the Menagerie. My… the clients… Heleen forced us to take it daily to satisfy their fantasies. It never occurred to me that normal men might… have a want to take care of it instead. I feel stupid.” Inej huffed.

 

            “You aren’t stupid, Inej. Do you know how I learned men could buy a tonic? Rotty. Rotty while he was drunk at the Crow Club telling Pim how expensive the tonic is. I overheard them when I dealt a game of three-man-bramble. I added fifty kruge to his next payout because Ghezen knows we don’t need a runt crow with Rotty’s stature running around in Ketterdam.”

 

            At that, Inej was busting at her seems, joy written all over her face.

 

            He’d made her laugh like that. Sometimes, she made him believe in magic. Other times, she made him believe in humanity.

 

Today, she made him believe in himself.

 

Made him believe that no matter what, at the end of the road, they’d still be holding hands. Aunt or no aunt. Ship or no ship. Dregs or no Dregs. At the end, there was them, wherever they ended up.

 

“Inej, remember, last year, when you got your cycle that morning while your parents were in town?” Kaz said softly as her laughter calmed. She nodded, her nose blushing only a bit.

 

“We are going to be together physically. We already are. I know…. I know Heleen made you carry shame for simply existing as a woman. I can’t imagine how that felt, and for once, I can’t relate, at all. I’m honest enough to admit it. But, what I want is for you to unlearn that, with me. You’ve seen me sick and limping. I’ve seen you bleeding and aching. I don’t want you to feel shame for telling me that you wish us to be safe physically. What kind of a husband, or man, would I be if I didn’t value your wishes to protect your body as your own? To by default, protect mine, too?” Kaz said, threading every word with the conviction he felt clear as day.

 

Kaz had no experience here, and realistically, he was out of his element. He didn’t feel that way, though. Not with Inej. Inej was the only person he’d ever share his body with, he’d known it from the first time he kissed her that he was not broken beyond repair. That he only craved her touch; intimately and otherwise. Her body, her love. Somehow, he knew that this conversation was something of a milestone, and something he wanted to emphasize in their life together. In their marriage.

 

He never wanted Inej to feel shame for protecting herself. For being a human with a female anatomy that bled. For sometimes needing space and words, and others needing his touch. Kaz wanted to meet her needs, in all of the ways he’d learned a partner should.

 

He may not have had his mother around growing up, but his father had imparted respect of women into his upbringing, engrained it into his and Jordie’s minds. Kaz remembered the first time Jordie had ever gone on a walk alone with Lilly, how his father had whispered to Jordie to always ask her permission before he ever tried anything. To walk her home and see her to her door, but never force his company if she did not wish it. And other things, like to never assume a woman was weak. Never. His Da had told him that his mother was fifty times braver than he ever was. Kaz believed him, somehow. Even if he’d never met her.

 

            “Heleen… she made me believe it was… it was something to keep private. To never outright tell a man that I took contraceptive… to hide away when I bled. I’m an adult now, I don’t want to feel… guilty.” Inej voiced to him, shoulders looser than the entirety of the conversation. Kaz had known what Heleen had done. He wanted to rip her hair out and skin her alive. Dirtyhands snickered at the thought.

 

            “I know you’re right. I… I’m sorry, for getting so worked up about telling you.” She continued.

 

            Kaz was already shaking his head. “No apologies. You told me once that we don’t apologize when these things happen, when our old demons come up. We just work through it.”

 

            A moment passed as Inej pondered his words, her fingers swirling little circles into the center of his displayed palm. He fought the urge to pull her into his arms, to whisper every ‘I love you’ he’d ever thought without saying into her ear.

 

            Now. Now was one of those moments. One of those moments that Kaz’s breath hitched because he’d seen her, seen under all of her own armor, recognized the pieces of blades she handed him over the years. The trust she dealt him in spades, asking only for his loyalty and love in return.

 

            How had he ever not been able to kiss her? How had he ever been afraid to tell her he loved her? How had he ever not been hers, and she his?

 

            Maybe, there had never been a time where they weren’t each other’s, from that fated moment in a smoky lobby of a pleasure house.

 

Maybe, when she’d uttered those offering words to him, he had become hers, right then and there.

 

            From the time he left the Menagerie, her offer of help ringing in his ears, there had never been a day where she hadn’t crossed his mind. Five years later, not a single day. Now, not a single morning, afternoon, or night. Maybe, if he was honest, not an hour.

 

            She had become his mystery.

 

            She had become his study of patience.

 

            She had become his colleague.

 

            She had become his spy and confidant.

 

            She had become his friend.

 

            She had become his home.

 

            She had become his, because she’d chosen to be.

 

            He’d become hers. All hers.

 

            “Kaz?” She called gently, her hand beginning to trail along his wrist, tracing his veins.

 

            “Yes?”

 

            “I trust you with everything.” Inej said, quiet and strong.

 

            He wanted to ask her to marry him again, to go find someone legal to do it right now, here in this house, with bare feet and hearts. He wouldn’t, if only because he knew her grandmother would send him to an early grave, and Jesper and Nina would pile rocks on top of it, shouting at the top of their lungs that they hadn’t been there.

 

            His words were locked in his throat as he let her words flow into his heart, her waves warm and lulling. He’d never felt more like a man, than he did in that moment. Never.

 

            “Because I trust you with everything, and we’re being very candid… would it be alright if I stop drinking the gross tea and trust you to continue taking your tonic instead? They don’t make drops like that for me and I hate swallowing capsules.” Inej sniffled as she watched his expression.

 

            Kaz knew how much this request meant to Inej. Knew how much she valued autonomy. She was giving him a piece of it. He’d never let her regret it.

 

            “Inej, please throw that shit out, and I promise I’ll never stop taking that tonic.” He smiled, but something flitted behind her eyes. He waited, impatient, and yet immoveable. He waited for her to explain the slight frown on her beautiful mouth.

 

            Fuck, he was going to kiss her into oblivion soon. Very soon.

 

            “Never?” She asked.

 

            Oh. He’d…. it wasn’t a conversation for today. Or tomorrow. Or this year. But… had the thought crossed his mind, if they would ever decide they wanted to… have their own family? Yes. It had crossed his mind. He could give her that, because he knew from her expression that they had landed on the same page, once again, without even speaking about it before. Was it possible, with their lives? He had no idea. He wasn’t as terrified of this uncharted water anymore, either.

 

            “Not until we decide.” Kaz croaked over the words, surprised that he meant them.

 

            At that, Inej was smiling.

 

            There was no mistaking it, he was grinning, too. Like an idiot.

Notes:

Socials!:

tiktok: @ravenyenn19

tumblr: @ravenyenn19

 

No special end note, except that I love you guys. Seriously. May you all find extra cash in your jeans today, and may your barista make your coffee perfect. <3

Chapter 131: Climb

Summary:

A battle.

Notes:

Chapter 131!!! ****PLEASE READ THESE NOTES!!!!!*****

Hi everyone!!!! Okay. SO. This chapter has a spice warning at the beginning and you may notice there is no cut. That is because this chapter is all sensitive. Both in sexual nature and also in reference to SA related trauma. If this is something that could be harmful for anyone to read, I wanted to ensure there was a proper warning for the entirety of the chapter. Don't worry! I will make sure the story still makes sense if you need to skip this one- as always! I'm sorry but this whole part needed to be it's own chapter. <3 I love you guys, and I do hope you love this chapter.

This one is important. I always knew I would write it, but it was hard. So much harder than I imagined. I hope it came out as... powerful. It's some of the most emotive writing I've ever attempted and I'm very nervous about it... I hope it came together. I really do.

Thank you so so much as always for being here. I love you all more than words and I love words. If you couldn't tell.

PLEASE leave me a comment. I'm reeling after writing this chapter and could really use the chance to read what you thought- plus I just love hearing from you. You guys are my fuel and I adore every single letter you take the time to type for me. I just want you to know even if i can't always get back- I read every comment on every chapter. <3 Anyways, PLEASE?

"Keep You Dry" by Juke Ross (MY HEART, the end of the chapter)

INEJ

 

***** WARNING! SPICY CONTENT AHEAD & OTHER SENSITIVE CONTENT, PLEASE READ AUTHOR NOTES BEFORE CONTINUING! *****

 

            Her shoulders felt lighter than they had since before Emilia’s unexpected delivery. Kaz had surprised her. Over and over again.

 

            She wondered, if they made it to a ripe old age, if he’d still be surprising her. She thought he would. No, she knew he would. She wouldn’t change it for the world.

 

            Kaz had gotten up to go to the bathroom, not before he’d taken the mug of nasty tea that she’d never have to drink again, and spilling it out in the yard with a grimace that she’d observed from the open doorway. He’d laughed when she imitated stomping on it. Then, he actually had, sending her into a laughing fit until her belly ached.

 

            The very fact that she’d never have to stomach the taste again, had her celebrating internally, knowing they were safe because Kaz had of course been one step ahead of her. She should truly stop being impressed, Saints knew he had enough of an ego.

 

Then, she smiled through her mental gesture to Heleen, a single finger rose in defiance.

 

Kaz had also handed her the little tonic vial from his bag, shown her the label warning of little to no side effects to his own body from the consumption. She’d been worried, but was relieved to find the safety of the contraceptive was endorsed by Kerch medicine. Unlike the tea that had left her with stomach aches and a tired feeling for at least an hour after she drank each dose.

 

It felt like a partnership, in some new and exciting way, despite its mundaneness.

 

Inej failed not to watch as Kaz reentered the room and leaned his cane against the wall. She tried desperately not to squirm under the covers when he reached to remove his shirt, indicating his comfort sleeping without it tonight.

 

Her greedy eyes swept over each newly revealed inch of pale skin. It felt like mist in the desert. She was parched with wanting… and her inhibitions clearly had landed in the yard with the tea.

 

She needed to gain some of her mind back, now. Tonight hadn’t only been clarifying for her. The letters. Emilia. She could not be selfish, now.

 

            She still wondered if Kaz was reeling from what he’d read. She still wondered if he had shown her some level of bravado, but on a night so honest, she didn’t think he was lying when he said he was handling it better than expected. Still, her lips formed the question she needed answered, one more time.

 

            “Kaz? The letters… do you want to talk about them?” Inej asked, eyes focused on his back as he folded his shirt and tossed it onto their spewing travel bags. She tried to focus on anything but the way his sleep pants left little to the imagination.

 

            Her thighs felt damp, and she wondered if she was awful, for wanting to return to their kisses from before the delivery of the letters. The conversation they’d just had had awakened a need for him, deep and demanding. A need like never before.

 

            Kaz turned around, she diverted her eyes to the ceiling as her skin heated beneath the sheet.

 

            “We will. Not tonight. I don’t want to, tonight.” Kaz’s voice was deep and raspy, a tone she’d not expected even as she felt his eyes taking in the bare collar bones she’d left displayed above the sheet. She nodded, barely moving her head.

 

            She was not wearing anything. Nothing at all. When she’d decided to change her clothes in his absence… something had awoken in her. A bubble of bravery, fragile but strong. She cradled it in her chest, even now. Whispering encouragement and promises of success.

 

            If she’d wondered if she’d been too bold or careless with Kaz’s own needs, she didn’t now. Not as her eyes caught the sight of the front of his pants. Very little left to be imagined, indeed. Also, not little at all.

 

            The thought made Inej’s skin flame up, every muscle tightened.

 

            “Inej, I need you to tell me right now, are you wearing anything under that sheet?” His voice was the equivalent of when he requested a report from the Dregs. A harsh yet quiet rumble of stone on stone, immoveable and fierce.

 

It did things to her she hadn’t been aware possible. She was aching. Everywhere. Goosebumps lifted on her skin. Warmth coated her thighs, wanting literally flowing from her.

 

            “No.” She croaked, her voice foreign to even her own ears.

 

            “No you won’t tell me or no you aren’t?”

 

            “The second one.” Inej whispered, finally looking at him.

 

            His eyes darkened, hunger igniting in flashing flames behind his expression. His jaw clicked as he went and doused the lantern, leaving only the fire’s light. He didn’t say a word as he crossed the room back to her, but his eyes never left. Never stopped lifting the sheet without touching.

 

            “And what was your plan?” He asked finally, his bare hands twisting at his side. She saw no nerves in his expression, only restraint. Barely-there restraint.

 

            “To let you find out exactly what my plan was when you remove this sheet.” She smirked smugly as he watched her hand move under the thin material, coasting down her body, straight to her center, she parted her legs.

 

            His groan was only primal as he dropped beside her, gripping the sheet with both hands, yet never moving it until she urged him on with her eyes.

 

            Instead of ripping the fabric from her, the way a desperate man would, he hovered beside her on his knees, using the thick comforter to brace his bad limb. His eyes were locked on hers as he slid the thin cotton material only an inch down her chest, revealing only the top swells of her breasts.

 

            He studied her face for another moment before he leaned down and pressed his lips to her neck, inhaling quietly against her. He kissed down her throat as her own finger swirled lazy circles into her aching clit. Between each kiss, he looked back at her, something being confirmed in his heated eyes with each glance. It was as if whatever expression she wore was answering his unspoken questions.

 

            She imagined she looked as desperate as she felt, little gasps flooding her mouth from each contact of his lips to her skin.

 

            His tongue began to flicker against her, teasing at the edge of each kiss. Trickster fingers slid the sheet a fraction lower, the fabric dragging against her peaked nipples was exquisite agony.

 

            She was being thoroughly tortured, and she knew he was smiling when she felt his lips press next, right on the center of her chest. He’d moved to kneel between her legs, on top of the very same fabric covering her body.

 

            Damn him, she thought as he nibbled at the soft flesh just above her breasts.

 

            “Hands out of the sheet, love.” He whispered against her skin.

 

            She whimpered, her finger stilled against her clit at the soft demand from his lips.

 

            With her noise, he moved slowly, coming to hover above her as her eyes fluttered open. His eyes asked after her comfort, she could see his question there: “okay?”, “okay.” She answered with a look alone as he gently pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. She almost answered his earlier request by taking her hands out of the sheet, only to push the stray lock of ravens-wing hair off his own forehead. She did not give in to temptation.

 

            She felt a little defiant, even if a demand coming from his lips felt like anything but an encroachment on her free will. She shivered beneath him.

 

            He was staring at her, his weight almost entirely braced on his elbows. She leaned up, as he continued to watch her. She kissed his bare chest, rejoiced in the way his stomach hollowed on a shaky breath, all from her touch. Her hand under the sheet began to move again, her body angrily demanding friction.

 

            She knew he could feel her movement as she leaned back down against the pillow, his eyes darkened impossibly further as they tracked down her body between them, watching the slight shift of her motions under the fabric.

 

            “That is not what I asked.” He whispered as his gaze lifted slowly back to her face.

 

            “You didn’t ask. You told.” Inej smirked as he glowered, a hollow expression. She could see the residue of a restrained smile at the edges of his mouth, spotted the amusement pulling strings in his throat to conduct a deep swallow.

 

            “Hmm.” He hummed, finally leaning down to her, his mouth met hers so softly she could hardly call it a kiss, rather a shared exhale.

 

            “So I did.” His lips moved against hers, she wiggled impatiently, trying to lean up to him. He pulled back the tiniest bit, eliminating her chances of the kiss she desired.

 

            “Shall I try again?” He asked, the fire glow sending shadows skittering along his jaw as he gazed down at her.

 

            Inej was burning under the sheet. She wanted to wrap her legs around him and pull him to her.

 

            “Kiss me, damn it!” A fluttery, lust driven voice yelled within her.

 

            Instead, she could only nod at him, biting a lip as she let her finger slip into her folds, his eyes catching her every movement.

 

She wanted him. She wanted him. Only him. She’d known it from the moment he’d kissed her, probably before then. There was no other man who could do this to her, none. She was a shivery mess beneath him, his name a constant buzz on her lips.

 

            “Don’t do that, that’s not fair.” Kaz’s voice deepened as his thumb lifted to brush her bottom lip from between her teeth. A shuttered breath leapt from her mouth as she caught his thumb with her lips, sucking gently as his cool mask failed him entirely.

           

            His mouth parted on a silent gasp, eyes squeezing shut as she faced him with his own teasing tactics. She swirled her tongue over the tip of his finger, making sure he remembered exactly what she’d done to him at the Inn before coming to the farmhouse.

 

            She’d been so proud of herself, in that moment. She’d been so surprised that she’d enjoyed taking care of him in that way. She hadn’t expected to do it, but that morning, bathed in sun and the freedom of new places, she’d felt bold and brave.

 

            Inej wanted to do it again. Wanted to feel Kaz shake with his desire for her. Wanted to see the face he made when he lost control, a face only she would ever see. The way his brows pinched slightly, how his hands gripped whatever he could for purchase. He’d never gripped her though, always mindful of her request to stay still. She hadn’t known how much of a difference that could make in pleasuring a man with her mouth. How different it was, to do it for her avri; the person who made her see stars when he smiled with his dimple.

 

            She wanted to taste him again, to keep learning what made Kaz flush and gasp and writhe. She wanted to know everything about his wants and needs. The Menagerie had not taken this from her, not with him.

 

            “You are derailing my attempt to ask you a question.” Kaz breathed as she let his thumb go with a smug kiss to the tip.

 

            Before she could send him so much as a smirk, he had leaned back to her. His lips swept over hers, with more force. He only allowed his tongue to brush the lip she’d bitten, only gave her a hint of the desire she felt rippling through their connection. She felt it in the way his arms tightened beside her head, forcing his weight to stay above her, never allowing his hips to drop to hers.

 

            “Ask it then,” Inej whined against his mouth, her free hand twisting into the blankets beneath them. Her occupied hand was growing desperate, the agony of having him so close was keeping her climax at an unreachable peak. She needed him, wanted him, lusted for him.

 

            “Will you take your hands out of the sheets, please, darling Inej?” His breath was hot against her mouth. His voice was like liquid fire, rolling down her throat, settling into her belly as a roaring inferno.

 

            “I’m so close though,” Inej whispered against him, finger slick with desire, wishing it were him inside her instead. It was not the first time she’d had the thought, but still it surprised her. Made her want him more, made her high on the evidence of her own healing.

 

            Kaz groaned, his chest rumbling as he nipped at her lip.

 

            “Please?” He implored, his voice becoming desperate.

 

            Inej had forced Kaz Brekker to beg, while on top of her. It was intoxicating enough to do as he wished, even as her body cried for release. She pulled her hands out of the sheets between his arms bracketing her head.

 

            He shifted his weight to one elbow, snatching her right wrist with his free hand before she could stretch it away.  

 

            His eyes met hers as he pulled the hand she’d just used to touch herself to his lips. He sucked on the finger that had just been inside her, eyes fluttering shut as pleasure passed over his features. The noise that escaped him was of pure satisfaction.

 

            Her core muscles tightened, she couldn’t even close her legs with him between them, on top of the infernal sheet. What wouldn’t she give to feel his hips against hers?

 

            “You taste like sin, Inej.” Kaz released her wrist only to begin kissing down her throat once more.

 

            “Kaz, please.” Inej moaned, back arching as his lips attended the exposed flesh of her shoulders. She wanted him lower. Her breasts, her thighs, inside her.

 

            “I’ll take care of it, Inej. I’ll take care of you.” He said, mouth muffled against her. Her heart thumped in her chest, knocking against her ribs like a prisoner in a cell. His words blew embers against her cheeks, lifting her boiling blood to the surface.

 

            He reached between them to move the sheet to her belly, kisses following the fabrics path, right in between the ridge of her sensitive breasts. The warmth of the fire and his body heat above her had caused a thin sheen of sweat to appear on her flesh where the fabric had covered, and all at once, Inej was nervous- for Kaz.

 

            She moved one hand from where she’d stretched them above her head, she squeezed his bicep, fingers curling around the ‘R’ tattooed there. Muscle. Oh. No.It was not why she’d reached for him, she’d wanted to warn him.

           

            “Marvel at his arms later, Inej,” She chastised herself internally.

 

            “It doesn’t bother me, not anymore.” His rasp came to her before her worried words had even finished forming.

 

            Inej couldn’t help but smile at him, pride taking over everything else as their eyes connected. His smile was pressed against her, his eyes heavy with lust, and light with happiness. The contrasts of Kaz were never-ending. Pale skin, black eyes. The hardest worker she’d ever met, yet hands with no callous and smooth as butter.

 

            A heart bigger than the sea, yet a reputation of being soulless.

 

            Inej was honored to know him. Honored to love him.

 

            Kaz’s mouth kissed around her hardened peaks, teasing her into oblivion. She could feel the brush of his erection through the sheet as he sank lower down her body.

 

            “Stop teasing me,” Inej whined as his tongue slid over her skin, just beside where she wanted him.

 

            “Inej, you once told me a proverb about patience when you thought I’d have none. I’d like to set the record straight.” He rumbled against her, his teeth gently nipping at her left nipple.

 

            “You are infuriating.” Inej moaned as her back arched right off the blankets, his mouth finally swirled fully over her sensitive peak. Beside her head, she registered the way his hands flexed and curled into fists, the veins prominent.

 

            “I don’t think you’re going to be saying that in a minute or two.” His dark chuckle tickled her skin as he moved to her other breast.

 

            “Kaz, I’m warning you, I’m going to prolong everything I’m going to do to you. You will feel my revenge.” Inej whimpered as he kissed down her belly. His laugh was filled with anticipation, sultry and confident.

 

            “If I was a gambling man, Inej, I’d bet everything I have that I’m going to feel your wrath- and like every second of it.”

           

            Kaz shifted to one elbow once more as he shifted back up her body, pressing kisses anywhere he could find on his way. Inej’s breathing was stilted as his other arm moved, his smooth hand tracking down her shoulder, then her ribcage. She realized then that he’d shifted from between her legs to her side once more, her eyes were heavy with lust as he gazed at her.

 

            Small noises of pleasure slipped from her lips as Kaz caught her mouth with his own.

 

            She felt his hand run down her leg through the sheet still covering the bottom half of her body. She felt his fingers grip the fabric as he began to slowly pull it up along her calves.

 

            One moment. One moment she felt Kaz’s fingers, only pushing a sheet up her leg in a way that made her want to rip the fabric away herself and beg him to tend to the fire he’d ignited.

 

            The next moment, it was cheap silks being shoved up her body as she fell into the abyss, her soul being ripped from her body as easily as the fabric was torn. It was so fast… a noose and a lever made of shadow.

 

            Inej couldn’t feel him anymore.

 

            She couldn’t feel anything at all.

 

            “Maybe patience is overrated.” Kaz whispered to her body, right into her ear. His tone was so light, a joke. Her soul reached out for him, screaming and thrashing and begging.

 

            Her lips moved into a moan. It was fake. She hadn’t meant to make the noise. She’d never wanted to fake these moments with Kaz.

 

            Kaz! Kaz! Kaz! She screamed from the bottom of the pit, his gentle eyes hovering at the top of the well. It was so many more than six stories in the dark.

 

            She kept sinking, panic flooding her mind even as her body stayed still and ready.

 

            Could the Wraith climb a hundred stories in the dark, without so much as a foothold?

 

            “’Nej?” Kaz froze, but she could no longer feel his hands on her body, couldn’t even register that his fingers had dropped the sheet.

 

            All Inej saw was the canopy above her pit, now. The barred windows to her right. The faceless man above her, grunting and sweating.

           

            Where had Kaz gone?

 

            She knew she wasn’t in the Menagerie, her body didn’t remember. Her body didn’t remember the years of freedom, the solace of Kaz’s touch. The shelter of his love. Her body betrayed her, now.

 

            All at once, she was being tugged deeper and deeper into the foggy darkness, black dread greeting her with a callous slap.

 

            Her mind locked away all of the rational parts of herself, leaving only the scared girl, broken and knifeless. Her mind slammed a door, and behind it, the woman who loved the man beside her was gone.

 

He was a faceless memory, a nice one, but only that. A shadow on the wall with sharp lines and a crescent moon smile.

           

            She couldn’t answer him, she felt like she was watching herself from another plain, no longer inside her bones.

 

Was that stricken girl against the pillows really her? No, it couldn’t be so.

 

            Wide eyes. Her eyes were so wide. The girl laid beside the man, breathless and kiss-flushed and utterly broken inside. She could only feel his body heat, nothing else. Not pain. Not pleasure. Numb indifference.

 

            “Inej.” The man voice sounded worried, now. No longer fooled.

 

            She couldn’t fool him. Oh no. The man knew her secret hiding place inside.

 

            “Please don’t make me come back,” the girl inside whimpered, but no sound escaped the threshold of her lips.

 

            “Fuck.” His word was sharp and crass, stinging against her skin as he pulled away with abruptness of a snapped rug on a balcony. She was the dust flowing toward the ground, spiraling and dirty.

 

            “Don’t you want me anymore?” The girl whispered, demure and brainless. Her only desire was to please and do it fast. Get it over with. Then, she could begin to cry. Why would she cry? She didn’t remember now. She only knew that she would, whenever the owner of her body decided to return.

 

            The lynx was a tenant under a pesky landlord, both sharing a body. The girl owned the body, the shadow used it in her absence.

           

            Lynx was her name. No other name existed here, between the sheets and in the company of men.

 

            “Of course I want you, Inej. But all of you, not half. Fuck, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, Inej.” His words were shaky in the dark of the dimming fire.

 

            The girl stilled. What had he called her?

 

            Kaz! Kaz! Kaz! Inej shouted from the pit of her worst nightmares, trying to jog the girl’s memory.

 

            “I’m so sorry, mera nadra. I’m so sorry.” The man’s voice was quivering like a leaf as he sat beside the girl, running pale hands over his pale face. Handsome, the girl thought.

 

            His sea? His sea? Suli. He’d spoken suli. Inej was a suli name.

 

            The man watched the girl, still bared by the sheet. He moved his hand, never touching her skin. She didn’t understand why. Why wouldn’t he just take what he wanted? Why was he toying with her? They always took what they wanted, in the end.

 

            “Take it!” The lynx growled in the dark abyss of her mind.

 

            The man pulled the sheet over her exposed body, leaving her hands free. He did not wish to see her? All her bronze skin?

 

            Next, he reached into a bag at the end of the bed.

 

            The girl felt weight being pressed into each of her exposed hands as he closed her fingers around strange handles.

 

            She forced her eyes to turn. A blade in each hand. Blades. They meant something, to her. She didn’t know why her eyes began to water as she ran a thumb over a bone laden hilt.

 

            She knew this knife. She knew its name and its exact weight. She knew how many men had died from its slice. She knew this part of herself.

 

            Sankt Vladimir.

 

            In the other hand, a woman’s bust. Sankta Margaretha.

 

            “Inej, baby please come back.” The man had not touched her again, but she felt the weight of his eyes, a presence as familiar as her own. She knew his tone, stone on stone. She also knew she hated the rough trickle of sorrow in his throat. Of guilt. So much guilt.

 

            She knew him.

 

            Cinnamon and bourbon and blown out candles. That’s what home smelled like. The scent was all around her, on her pillow, her skin, the sheets.

 

            Knives in hand, she could kill him now. End this strange and prolonged nightmare.

 

            She knew she didn’t want to. She knew she’d never lift a blade to the strange, gentle man.

 

            On her hand, she felt a ring.

 

            On her lips, she tasted tears.

 

            “Etma Se Saman, Inej. I love you. I love you. I love you.” The man whispered, shaking where he knelt, desperation written in his eyes as clear as day. Eyes misted in frustrated tears.

 

            He loved her?

 

            She was who he loved.

 

            Yes. Yes, that felt true.

 

            She loved him, too. That broken girl, Inej Ghafa.

 

            Her name!

 

            Yes.

 

            The man took a deep breath, his eyes wet. He leaned beside her, tucked hair behind her ear. The motion flooded her desolate arctic heart with heat. He did that every day, she remembered. He loved her hair. It was one of the first parts of her that he could touch with bare hands. He’d never stopped touching her hair.

 

            “I’m sorry if this is the wrong thing to do, and I will forgive you if you stab me, okay? Just aim lower than my fifth rib and I’ll be alright. I promise, baby. I need you to come back though. I do. I need to see you, mera nadra.”

 

            Kaz kissed her. So soft, a reverent touch of his lips to hers and nothing more. She’d never felt more love, never. She felt less broken. Then, she felt whole.

 

            Kaz. Mera chaar. Her moon. Her avri and future husband. Best friend.

 

Her fingers twitched on the blades before she dropped them, a tidal wave of emotion washing over her demons, drowning the lynx and her shadow jailors.

 

Inej’s arms flung around Kaz’s neck as tears flooded down her cheeks.

 

“Kaz, Kaz, Kaz, Kaz, Kaz,” Inej choked on sobs as he pulled her into his lap, arms tight around her, his face buried in her hair.

 

She didn’t know how long she cried before he spoke.

 

“You came back.” He whispered rough and warm into her neck.

 

“No, you brought me back.” Inej answered, no longer frozen. Her limbs were hers. Her words were hers. She was hers and she was his and he was hers, too. 

 

Kaz had brought her back. He put knives in her hands. He told her he loved her in her language. He kissed her, and she came back.

 

She knew, somewhere inside of her. She’d always known she’d been lucky to get this far with him, to never disappear under his touch. There had been mornings when she’d woken to take a sip of water or use the bathroom, finding Kaz still sound asleep in bed, and she’d wondered if she was a time bomb. Despite everything, there had been a meek and insecure voice in her head, once or twice, that had wondered if he’d still love her, after. When he’d seen her as a shell of a human, a ghost in her own skin.

 

When she had ceased to be the Wraith, the Captain, or even Inej Ghafa. Would he still love her, in shattered pieces?

 

She had that answer now. Despite the ghostly voice of demons in her ear, she’d always known the answer, too. Both were true. She’d been insecure, but she’d also been sure. Sure of him.

 

“Would you come for me, Kaz?” “I would come for you. If I couldn’t walk, I’d crawl to you. No matter how broken we were, we’d fight our way out together. Knives drawn, pistols blazing, because that’s what we do, we never stop fighting.”

 

Kaz loved her now, still. His arms were bracketed around her, clinging to her. She never wanted to let go.

 

“We’ll go to sleep, and if you need me to, I’ll go to the other side of the room, and I’ll give you my cane or my pistol so you’ll know I’m unarmed, and it’ll be fine…” Kaz was stuttering. Kaz Brekker was tripping over words against her.

 

“None of that is what I want, mera chaar.” Inej whispered as she pulled back from his chest, cupping his cheeks with both hands. He did not cry, but she saw glass in his eyes. She saw genuine fear in Kaz’s gaze- fear for her. Kaz afraid, that was rare. She hated it.

 

“Whatever you want, Inej. Whatever I can do.” He said, voice strong once more as their gazes locked, his hand was swirling over her bare lower back in comforting patterns.

 

Inej already knew what she wanted. She wanted to tell him what happened, and try again, if… if he still wanted to.

 

It would be easy, Inej thought, to accept his offer of dressing up in fabric armor and cuddling under even more protective layers. The idea also made her want to scream. Her want for him had never died, her demons had betrayed her. She didn’t want easy, now. She didn’t want to set the tone of their lives that way.

 

When Kaz’s own issues arose, space was necessary. Inej understood that, respected that, and always would. Inej thought now, though, that space was perhaps the last thing she wanted or needed. She wanted to work through this, and continue. She wanted to feel him near her, in her space. She wanted his scent, his comfort. His love. 

 

If she gave up and donned clothes and feet between them, the cycle could only continue, the next time something sent alarms ringing in her mind. What she needed, was to re-wire these pieces of herself. Adopt the mindset of a clockmaker and reset her hands in the correct direction.

 

“I want to… I want to stay with you, this time.” Inej bumbled over the words, searching his eyes.

 

She wondered if she could even bring that fire back to him from earlier. Could he still… want intimacy after her episode? She did. She still wanted him. She didn’t know how, but she did.

 

It was another victory. They had lost a battle, but won the war, tonight. She wanted to celebrate it, she wanted to keep winning. She wanted… to feel like the woman that had gone under that sheet naked only a bell ago.

 

Kaz’s eyes studied hers as her fingers swept into the soft strands of his hair, letting him look his fill.

 

“Tell me what it was, if you can.” He said finally. She saw the gleam in his eyes return as his jaw hardened and his brows lifted ever so slightly. Scheming face, minus the happy ‘hmm’ in his throat when her fingers brushed his scalp.

 

Her cheeks were dry now. She pulled on the parts of herself that had helped Kaz scheme a thousand times, checked into the sector of her soul that was pure spy, fact, and logic.

 

She told him about the sheet, how when he’d pushed it down her body it had felt right, natural. It had been when he’d changed directions, the feeling had triggered something inside her subconscious. The memory of silks being shoved forcefully up her legs had overwhelmed her consciousness faster than she could grapple her fear. She told him how she’d heard him, but hadn’t been able to form real thoughts, like how she’d been in the Menagerie.

 

The entire time, Kaz listened. He asked questions. He rubbed her bare back.

 

He treated her like herself. He treated her like he always had. As his equal. He did not show her pity, even if she’d known he’d felt guilt initially. She hoped her explanation had quelled that seed from growing any further. Then, she’d taken a deep breath and asked him if it had.

 

“I get it now. I can’t say I wish I didn’t catch it faster, Inej, because I do. I know it wasn’t my fault or yours, though. I hope you’ve always known the same with me. It’s taken me a long time, with us, to understand that fully. I’m sick, Inej. But I’m better than I was. So are you, on both accounts. We just have to keep pushing through our own personal medic training in order to care for one another.”

 

“We’re nurses?” Inej chuckled as he smirked.

 

“Not exactly. Maybe it was a shitty analogy.” Kaz huffed as his fingers played with the ends of her hair.

 

“You called me baby.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I didn’t hate it.”

 

“Neither did I.”

 

“It’s not because I’m small though, right?”

 

“No, Inej. It’s not because you’re small.” He rolled his eyes, a faint hint of blush on his cheeks. Inej could only smile as she leaned forward, still in his lap, to press a kiss to his lips.

 

“What are you doing?” Kaz rasped as she began to trail that kiss down his neck.

 

“Telling you what I need.”

 

“Are you sure?” Kaz asked, though she caught the flutter of his dark eyelashes, felt his body beneath her, already reacting to her kisses.

 

“Yes.” Inej answered as she looked up at him, willing her certainty to shine back at him.

 

“Thank fuck.” He said sharply, lifting her off his lap, laying her back to the makeshift bed on the floor, her giggles filling the air.

 

This time, Inej ripped the sheet off her body and tossed it to the other side of the bed.

 

This time, there was no teasing. There were only deep kisses, tasting and savoring.

 

This time, Kaz’s kisses didn’t stop at her belly.

 

“Tell me, if anything feels wrong.” He rasped against her inner thigh. Inej could only breathe her confirmation as his lips met her core, already aching for him once more.

 

He shifted her legs over his shoulders, this time.

 

Inej could barely breathe as his tongue slid over her heat, gently forced her open for him.

 

Nothing felt wrong.

 

Everything felt right.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Inej Ghafa was not broken.

 

 

Inej Ghafa was wounded and bent, but in those old scars, she found steel.

 

 

She was Inej Ghafa, and her future was hers for the taking; one ugly, or beautiful, healing step at a time.

 

 

Inej Ghafa climbed one hundred stories in the dark that night, all the way back to her moon.

Notes:

Socials!:

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... this one broke my heart and repaired it. I'm still processing writing this one. Honestly.

Chapter 132: Damage

Summary:

Confrontation looms.

Notes:

Chapter 132!!!

Hi everyone!! Okay, I'm back with another one. Gosh... we're here. Holy Saints. The way I've waited and toiled with what's to come... you have no idea. I can't wait. This one, the next one... I've waited a small eternity, or, 378 days, to be precise. I always knew I wanted this particular section of the story to come, since I first began writing. Can you believe that? I can't believe we're here. I hope you love it.

Part two will come soon, since this is another partner chapter with the next one. AHHHH.

I love you guys and thank you for reading what I write. Sincerely, you make my life a whole lot brighter.

PLEASE TELL ME IF YOU ARE EXCITED. I'VE WAITED FOR 378 DAYS. SAINTS I BEG YOU. <3

"Waving Through A Window" by Dear Evan Hanson Broadway Cast (When Kaz is reading the letters. Seriously. And the end. LISTEN OK)

KAZ

 

            Kaz had spent hours sitting at the kitchen table, a comfortable breeze rolling through the screen door and sunlight dripping from the window above the sink. Inej had spent the better part of the day sitting with him, her eyes focused on maps of the True Sea and the coast of Shu Han, compass beside her as she began to chart a treacherous course for The Wraith, Queen of Ravka in tow.

 

            In companionable silence, they’d set out on a mission to plan. Now, in the beginnings of late afternoon, Kaz sat alone. Inej had finished her preliminary course a bell ago, and with a flourish of pride, she’d kissed him on the cheek and left him to scowl at his own mess of documents. He was grateful she hadn’t offered help, just yet. She knew how he worked. She also hadn’t had to ask to know how much he had yet to consider, he was plotting a heist for a queen and a troop of grisha he’d never met, after all.

 

            The island fortress belonging to the slaver turned hired gun, Kane De Vries, was a monster carved of rock and sea; a dragon that had found a spare patch of land on which to squat on and sleep an eternity.

 

            Kaz felt the heat from the beast’s nostrils at his back now as he looked over security routes, as accurate as Nikolai knew them to be. This island did not want to be infiltrated.

 

            The Ice Court looked like a warm hug, right about now.

 

            Kaz liked the challenge. He hated the thought of Inej being involved in this, without him, however. The thought was like rough wool on his skull, itchy and irritating.

 

            As Kaz rubbed his eyes, loosing yet another document from his wary fist, he looked out the window and across the budding spring green lawn. He didn’t know where Inej had gone, but he’d known she had gone out there, somewhere. He’d been content to let her explore to her heart’s contentment, though he frowned when he caught no glimpse of black hair.

 

            He’d almost convinced himself to brave the stairs to the second floor of the home this morning, while Inej had still been asleep. He’d stared at the wooden flight, an enemy he needed to conquer.

 

            Inej’s wedding band was waiting under a floor board in his childhood bedroom. He needed that little iron band. The band that Da had forged for Mama.

 

            Realistically, Kaz needed to see how well maintained the upper floor of the house was, too. Logically, he and Inej could have been sleeping under a family of raccoons the past two nights and been none the wiser. They were quiet tenants, Kaz convinced himself. No need to disrupt them.

 

            No. No, he needed to do it. For himself, not for logic.If the rest of the house was any indication, then the upstairs was probably in perfect condition, albeit dusty from disuse. The caretaker he’d hired had done a well enough job, minus the things Kaz Rietveld still ached to fix. Replace.

 

            The sink faucet in the bathroom was a tad leaky.

 

            The porcelain basin in the kitchen could use a fresh polish.

 

            The piano could be uncovered from the dusty old sheet, and tuned.

 

            He didn’t dare consider how badly the upper windows would need to be scrubbed.

 

            There were many things that Kaz’s hands longed to do. It was the old organ in his chest that withered in fear and sang a melodramatic harmony.

 

            Last night, Kaz had witnessed Inej fighting her greatest battle. Her strength was beyond scope, and he couldn’t help but think of her now. Think of the way she’d clung to him in her sleep, inching closer the moment he laid beside her. Think of the way she’d smiled when she’d told him she loved him in a hushed and sated whisper.

 

            His cheeks flooded in pleasant heat as he remembered the echo of her noises in this private place. How alive she’d been, even after vanishing. How bright her eyes had been when he’d brought her to the precipice of pleasure, time and time again. She’d wanted to return the favor, but Kaz had stayed her hand. Last night was for Inej. For him, too, but not in the ways of his own body.

 

            Not that his body had entirely complied to his wishes. She’d taken him over the edge with her the last time, and she hadn’t even touched him beyond her fingers buried in his hair.

 

            How could Inej face such terrible battle within herself, but Kaz could not fight his way up a flight of steps? Wood and nail. Memory and hollowed grooves of love lost. That’s all it was.

 

            Kaz turned his eyes away from the window, noticing the chest of letters on the kitchen counter across from him beside the sink. It was not where he’d left it last night.

 

            Kaz’s lips slipped into a soft smile that he’d intended to be a grimace. Inej.

 

            He knew she’d not read them, never would unless he asked her to. He also knew she’d put that chest there, in his line of sight. A little nudge that he hadn’t been aware of needing. His girl. Clever, and straight forward when she wanted to be. Needed to be.

 

            Inej’s words drifted in his ears, as if she were beside him. “In case you decide, mera chaar.”

 

            Kaz told himself he stood from the chair to fill his glass of water at the sink. To stretch his bad leg and alleviate the slouch in his spine.

 

            Cool water coasted down his throat as his eyes once again strayed to the old wooden chest. Before he knew what he was doing, Kaz’s fingers plucked a letter at random, not from the bottom or top of the box. Just somewhere in the middle. He read.

 

            Emilia,

 

            Kaz turns five-years-old tomorrow. Can you believe it? I can’t. My bright boy is older than Jordie was when our Elena passed. He’s lived more days than Jordan did with his mother. I’ve lived that many days without her. I never thought I would, Emilia. Those first months were the hardest of my life, I reckon.

 

            I haven’t written you in a few months, but Harvest season came and went, and this year, we did a little better than expected. The boys are out in the yard, chasing the neighbor’s goat that got out again. I’ll have to walk with Jordan three miles to return the infernal animal, but hell if they aren’t laughing. Sometimes I look at my sons and can’t fathom how lucky I am.

 

            Kaz is gifted in numbers. His tutor told me the other morning that she’s moved him onto problems suited for Jordie’s age. I suspect that Kaz did Jordie’s work for him too, but I won’t tell their teacher. It was a fair trade; I’ll have you know. Jordie taught Kaz how to tie his own boots.

 

            Jordan is gifted too, apparently. I could not get Kaz to sit still long enough to follow my motions, but Ghezen that boy worships the ground his brother walks on. Ain’t a thing those kids wouldn’t do for each other.

 

            How are you? I wonder what you’d say. I’ve never received word back from you, but I’ll write ya till I do, little Em. Every week, I check the papers from Ketterdam, Os Kervo, Noyvi Zem, when we actually get them out here in the country. I check the obituaries. I hold my breath every time, but I’ve never seen your name. I pray I never do.

 

            Since I’ve got a bit of coin to spare this year, I think I’ll take the boys into town for Kaz’s birthday tomorrow. I’ll get em some candied apples or chocolates. I even had enough to get Kaz a present.

 

            A dog.

 

            The farm on the east side of town had a litter and the boys saw the wiggly pups when we delivered apples from the orchard. They didn’t shut up about it for days, Em. Seeing them out there in the yard with a goat, I think they need a friend close by. A dog can teach them responsibility, too.

 

            These are all the reasons Elena would have.

 

            Me? I just can’t wait to see them smile. Kaz is missing a tooth, and his smile is even better for it. Jordan makes fun of him constantly. Kaz turns red laughing, even with a little lisp.

 

            As always, I hope to hear from you soon, Em. Maybe this isn’t the right address anymore. I’ll keep writing anyways. Come home, your nephews would make everything better.

 

            They made it alright for me, Em.

 

            They make me believe in magic.

 

            All our love (or loveth, in Kaz’s lisp ridden case),

 

            Bram, Jordan, & Kaz Rietveld

 

 

            Kaz reached for the next letter. And the next. And the next.

 

            With hard-set shoulders, and a vice-like grip on his tear ducts, he kept going.

 

 

 

            Emilia,

 

            The money is tight. I probably shouldn’t even spend the penny on the postage to send this. I can’t stop myself, though. All these years, maybe you were a journal. A journal for me. Even if you never write back, know you helped me. Especially in times like these.

 

            Jordan’s birthday is next week, but he told me he don’t want anythin’. My son is eleven, and he should get a birthday present. I think I’ll be able to get him another coat at least, maybe a book from the little sellers in town. I’ll have to sneak into the boys’ room while they’re doin’ chores tomorrow to make sure I get one he hasn’t read.

 

            Jordie always has a book in his hands, whenever he isn’t using them to practice his sign language. He learned it all on his own, from the books I got him last year. There’s a girl here in town, his age, that I reckon he likes. He flushes like a tomato when I ask after her, but Kaz told me (very secretly) that Jordan held her hand, once. When they were out climbin’ trees by the stream. She’s the tutor’s daughter and bright as the sun and always so polite when she comes to the farm for lessons. Lilly. That’s her name.

 

            Kaz learned too, how to sign I mean. My boys are bilingual- that’s the term ain’t it? I’ll be damned Em, I wish Elle were here to see how smart they are.

 

            I haven’t got two pennies to pinch together, but I’m richer than the soil after a storm.

 

            We miss you. Write me back, if you can. I’d love to know you’re okay. Sometimes, I think I should mention you to the boys. I haven’t, I hope that don’t bother you. I just… they lost Elle. My Pa and Ma passed before Jordan was born and we both know that yours never wanted nothin’ to do with Elle or I after we married.

 

            I didn’t want my sons to lose someone they’d never had to begin with, you understand?

 

            They would love you, so fiercely. Jordan is a protector above all else, he’d chase the devil away with a pitchfork of his own if his family were threatened. Kaz is the same, but he plans. He ain’t as reactive as Jordie. Kaz plans his every move out, he makes this little face when he sees a problem, and then all the sudden, it’s not a problem anymore because he already has a solution. I reckon my second is a bit of a grudge holder- but I can’t fault him for it. He’s quick as a whip and sharper than a knife. They’d bend over backwards to have you, Emilia. I know they would.

 

            Are you safe, Emilia? He’s not still rough with you, is he? If I had the money, I’d hire one of those Staadwatch investigators from the city to try and find you. I wish I could, little sister. I really do.

 

            Love, Bram, Jordan & Kaz

 

 

            Kaz swallowed the tears in his eyes as he read one more, the pages spewed around him in a hazy puddle of missed opportunity. He didn’t remember when he’d sank to the ground, his back to the cabinets. The light had dimmed, Kaz realized. Hours… hours he’d sat here, hearing his Da’s voice in the kitchen of his childhood.

 

There were only a few letters left. Then his Da’s voice would be gone, the way it had been for years before Emilia had left him this chest. It terrified him. It terrified him now that he’d heard his father’s voice again. He didn’t want to lose it.

 

            Kaz looked above him, trying to glean the time of day from the kitchen window. Inej had never returned. Had she strayed further than the property? Kaz didn’t know. He couldn’t pull himself off the ground, either. He leaned his head back against the cabinets, breathing through his nose as he shut his eyes. 

 

            All these letters. Every single one, his Da had begged for a response. Why hadn’t Emilia wanted Kaz, back then? Wanted Jordie? Wanted to be in his Da’s life? Her sister’s kids… her nephews. Why had she abandoned them?

 

            Mama, what do I do?

 

            Kaz heard the roll of thunder in the distance as he opened his eyes to the ceiling. The light had dimmed further, darkening to cloudy dusk.

 

            The longer he sat, in that dark room, the more Kaz’s blood began to boil.

 

            Emilia had left. Left him and Jordie. Left Mama, in a sense. Left his father who needed help with a newborn baby and toddler after his wife died. She’d fucking left. She’d left and never even lifted a pen to parchment to let Bram know she was okay. What type of woman, human, did something like that? Even Kaz, as he was, would not have had that bleak a soul. He didn’t think so. Not anymore.

 

            Da had written her for nine years. Nine years. Nine fucking years! Now, here she was. All well and fine. Kaz wanted to slip his gloves on. Kaz wanted to set his aunt’s cottage on fire. He never would.

 

            He didn’t know why.

 

            But, he did know something.

 

            Kaz wanted answers. Now.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

INEJ

 

            Gazing up at the repaired plank in the barn siding, Inej couldn’t help but be pleased with herself as she set the hammer down inside the door, beside Ally’s stable stall. The sweet mare looked up at Inej, mouth full of hay.

 

            “We girls get things done, hey Ally?” Inej pressed a hand to the horse’s neck as she checked to make sure the water bucket was still full from when Kaz had filled it in the morning.

 

            Swiping a sheen of sweat from her brow, Inej stepped back into the dusky afternoon light, a spring storm had blown in swift and fast, the first sweet-scented drops pelting Inej’s cheeks. Just as Inej reached for her coat, she saw Kaz walking up the path toward her, cane in hand and hair already damp.

 

            “Hey,” Inej smiled as he limped closer. Her smile faded when she saw the look on his face.

 

            Sheer determination. It was the look he’d worn when he’d left the Geldrenner all those years ago, determined to stake a coup under Per Haskell.

 

            “You fixed the plank.” Kaz gazed up at the barn behind her.

 

            “Yes. I was just heading back down. Once I got going, I didn’t stop. Fixed a few tiles on the roof, too. Wanted Ally to stay dry.” Inej nodded as his brows raised.

 

            “You were on the roof.” Kaz continued, a hint of wistfulness passed his otherwise serious features.

 

            “Yes, that is how one fixes a roof.” Inej chuckled as the rain picked up its pace, drops rolling down her forehead and nose.

 

            “I wish I hadn’t missed it.” Kaz mumbled, shaking away some thought. Inej was about to ask him if he’d made progress on the plans since she’d left the kitchen, but he began to move around her.

 

            He paused, just before passing her. Inej caught his eyes, saw his breath puffing in the chilled air between them. Kaz’s eyes delved into her, latching on to something. She felt it, some tug inside her told her to step into his space. He pulled her close without hands nor words.

 

            “What’s going on?” Inej asked as she reached forward and straightened the collar of his coat. She would not touch his skin now, what with the wet covering them, but she was no longer fearful to be near him in the rain.

 

            He’d kissed her once in the rain, that dreadful night aboard her ship. She’d never forget that kiss as long as she lived.

 

He’d touch if he could handle it, until then, she would keep the fabric between them.

 

            A long moment passed as Kaz opened his mouth once, twice. No words came out. Then, he sighed and ran a leather covered hand through his wet hair, brushing it from his face.

 

            “Will you… can you come with me? Do you have your coat?” Kaz asked.

 

            Inej did not hesitate to reach behind her where she’d slung her now damp coat over the door handle of the barn. She shrugged it on.

 

            “Where are we going?” Inej asked.

 

            Kaz eyed her open buttons before he reached for her hand, pulling her with him gently into the shelter of the barn.

 

            “My au… Emilia’s.” Kaz began to open Ally’s stall as Inej stood slack-jawed behind him. She registered what he was doing as he began to lift Ally’s tack from the hook on the wall. He was not going to hitch the horse to the cart. They would… ride. Together.

 

            “You read the letters.” Inej surmised as Kaz huffed a breath and lifted the saddle over Ally’s back.

 

            “I need answers, Inej. I don’t want her in my life, but my father who wrote her for nine years deserves an answer as to why she never wrote him back. My brother fucking deserves it.” Kaz mumbled angrily.

 

            Inej turned his words over, taking stock of this new information.

 

Saints, those letters… they were one sided? All from Bram? Emilia had never written him back? Why did she bother to keep them, then?

 

            In the end, Inej voiced none of her questions and spoke only the truth.

 

            “So do you, Kaz. You deserve answers, too.”

 

            Kaz paused to look at her, wet hair on his brow and sleeves rolled up.

 

            “I know.” He whispered before returning to his work of readying their horse.

 

 

 

KAZ

 

            The house was small, quaint. If Kaz had to guess, it couldn’t be more than a single large room and perhaps a bathroom. The rain pressed hard against them as he urged Ally into a trot down the muddy hill.

 

            Kaz couldn’t help but hold Inej closer where she sat in front of him, her small frame wrapped in his arms. He could smell the rain on her hair and a hint of the coconut oil she smoothed into her dark tresses most nights. He inhaled, took comfort in the familiarity of her body pressed against his. He knew every curve, every slope and bend of her gentle bones.

 

            Inej reached behind her to squeeze his thigh softly. A silent “I’ve got your back”. Just as she always had in Ketterdam. Kaz tightened his arm around her in response, the only “thank you” he could give through his locked jaw and gritted teeth.

 

            Through the curtain of dusk and rain, Kaz could see the glow of candlelight from the cottage windows. Apple trees spread in straight lines behind the home, as far as the eye could see. The orchards. The trees would begin to bloom any day now, Kaz remembered.

 

            They left Ally under the cover of one of those same trees on the side of the house, the animal content enough to graze on the sparse spots of sod beneath her. Kaz secured her reins tight, hoping the animal wouldn’t spook in the thunder that would still hammer before this storm’s end.

 

            Inej laid a hand on Kaz’s arm before they trudged through the yard to the worn path, right up to the cottage’s small porch. Kaz did not look at her, knowing she was there was enough.

 

            She knew it too, when she let him go.

 

 At the top of two steps, a red door loomed. A door waiting to be knocked on.

 

            Kaz’s breath shuddered as he closed his eyes once, pulling Kaz Brekker back to the surface. He let the smog forged armor of Ketterdam lace into his thick skin once more.

 

            Then, he marched on, cane in hand.

 

            He rammed his false cane’s head against the door three times.

 

            Once for Mama.

 

            Once for Da.

 

            Once for Jordie.

 

            Before he could lay a fourth, and potentially splinter the wood, the door opened. His aunt stood before him, pale skin aglow in comfort Kaz resented.

 

            “You never wrote him back.” Kaz snarled.

 

The feral thing inside him straightened its tie, and reared its head.

 

Emilia Winstrad had left behind damage. He was Kaz Brekker, and when he was gone, he would leave more than that.

Notes:

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sorry not sorry for the cliffhanger. <3 It'll be worth it I promise. I promise on every finger.

Chapter 133: Like Rain

Summary:

The beginning.

Notes:

Chapter 133!!!

AHHHH. Okay. So this one is part 2 of the last one of a sort of 3 part section of the story. I had to split it up, it's dense. It's long. It's important. Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about this one. I can't seem to get it perfect, but I couldn't wait any longer to upload it for you guys. I really hope you love it, I can't really express how important it is to me because I've dreamed for so long of writing these scenes... ugh. I wish I felt super confident over it, but I don't. I just hope it lands. <3

Thank you. Thank you forever and ever and ever. You make my days shine, dear readers.

Since I'm not feeling overly confident about this one, I'd really love to hear from you guys. <3 I adore every comment I receive and could super use some of your thoughts or excitement or guesses about what Emilia is going to say. PLZZ? <3

"Avalanche" by James Arthur (all of the vibes)

KAZ

 

            When Kaz had been seven-years-old, he’d heard his father talking to his mother. He didn’t understand, because Mama had been gone since January ninth, seven years ago. Kaz’s birthday.

 

            “Sometimes, Elle, I wish I could join you. But then I look at them. At our sweet boys, Elena. When I look at ‘em, I know I want to be here. I want to be here when Jordan turns eighteen and I tell him that I’ve saved enough money to let him go to school in the city. He told me he wants to. He wants to write stories, and Ghezen he can already tell them. A way with words, that kid has.

 

 “I want to be here when Kaz decides what he wants to do. He’s changed his mind a few times, but I’ll tell ya I cried like a babe when he told me he wanted to be like me. I didn’t let him see it, but fuck I felt like I must have done something right, for that smart little boy to look at me like I was worthy of being his father.

 

            “Somedays, Kaz wants to be like his brother, too. But I see glimpses, Elena. Sometimes, I see that boy’s mind working and I wonder if he should have been born a king or somethin’. Somewhere where he could have changed the lay of the world around him. He’s got this way of thinkin’ that I ain’t ever seen. I think he could sell candles and matches to a burnin’ man if he set his little mind to it. Those kids, both of ‘em. They’re going somewhere and I want to be here, even if it means your chair is empty beside me till I’m old and gray. I wanna know where my boys end up.

 

            “I want to be here, Elle. I want to see if I have grandbabies. If we, have grandbabies. I know you always wanted that, you couldn’t wait for it even as you barely showed the bump with Kaz. I want to be here when they fall in love and inevitably fuck it up once or twice like their Da before them. If they’re lucky, they’ll have found someone with even half as much grace in their hearts as you did. You stuck by me, this sack of country bones. All I know, is it’ll have to be someone special for both of them. I can’t wait to walk out here with a cane in hand someday and tell ya where our boys landed.

 

            Fuck, I miss you, my vrolej meid.”

 

            My Sunshine girl. It was written on Mama’s grave rock. Isn’t that what they were called? Kaz couldn’t remember.

 

            Da was choking as he swallowed his tears. Kaz watched from behind the oak tree on the hill, knowing he was supposed to be helping Jordie with the stables. Knowing his Da would be mad he’d walked all the way out here by himself after dusk. It was Da’s one rule, because Kaz wasn’t big enough to have a knife yet. He was supposed to be with Jordie.

 

            Kaz hugged the tree harder, little eyes peeking to see his father settling a big sun-soaked hand on Mama’s rock.

 

            “Love you Elle. We all do.” Da mumbled.Kaz never saw Da cry, but he recognized it. Kaz hated that he himself cried the most in the family, Da and Jordie were so much bigger and stronger. Kaz wished he was bigger and stronger, now. He could help Da and Jordie more.

 

If he was strong, maybe he could drag Mama’s grave rock closer to the house so she wasn’t lonely. So Da could talk to her more. Da said she was out here, listening and watching over them.

 

            “Da.” Kaz whispered as his father’s form crested the hill, disappearing in the direction of the house. There were too many emotions swirling for Kaz’s small amount of years to make sense of them. Kaz didn’t know how to fix Da’s frown. He wanted to fix it.

 

Da always fixed it when Kaz cried.

 

            Kaz knew he’d been a coward. Jordie had taught him that word. Coward meant too scared to be brave.

 

            Kaz didn’t want to be a coward.

 

            Kaz walked around the tree, little tears streaking over his dirty cheeks. He shouldn’t have played in the barn with Legacy, he needed a bath. He heard Timber barking in the distance, Da had probably gotten home.

 

Right then, Kaz wished he’d brought his dog with him. For protection from the night and the monsters Kaz was certain the scare-crow commanded in the fields.

 

            The hill was getting dark, the burnt horizon signaling the end of the farm’s work for the day. Kaz couldn’t hear the farm hands in the distance anymore, they’d probably gone home when Da had stopped working.

 

            “Mama, I’m sorry.” Kaz whispered as he knelt beside her grave, the wind rushing against his damp cheeks.

 

            “I really didn’t mean to hurt you when I was in your belly. I don’t remember it, but I know I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry.” Kaz hiccupped as he began to push on the big stone.

 

            He was no coward; he’d get Mama closer to them at the house. He could do it. He was stronger than he looked, just like Da and Jordie.

 

            Kaz pushed the immoveable stone, throwing his whole body into it. He pushed and pushed and pushed, until he felt his fingers begin to bleed. He kept pushing, after wiping the blood on his pants, even as big pain-filled tears fell down his nose.

 

            “Kaz!” He heard his name being screamed in the distance. Jordie.

 

            Kaz didn’t stop, Da and Jordie would be so happy when Kaz brought Mama closer to the house. They’d forget he was out after dark. He was certain of it. He wouldn’t be in trouble and he’d fix Da’s tears.

 

            He saw stars as he pushed as hard as he could. Had he made it a few feet? Maybe!

 

It all went black. Faster than night descending, Kaz fell.

 

            “Kaz?” He heard Jordie’s voice, felt a wet cloth being pressed to his head. Kaz couldn’t tell if his head or his hands hurt more. Mama? Had he gotten to the house? He must have! His eyes cracked open to see the fire in the hearth, he smelled home around him. He was on the sofa.

 

            “Da! He’s awake!” Jordie yelled, his brother’s eyes wide and worried. Why was Jordie worried?

 

            “Kaz!” Da’s voice boomed as he ran into the room from the kitchen, another cloth in hand.

 

            Kaz squeaked as his father lifted him right off the couch into a hug. Kaz must have done it! They were so happy to see him!

 

            “Son, what happened on the hill? Your hands are all cut up.” Da was cupping Kaz’s neck, strong fingers grazing his scalp.

 

            Kaz couldn’t stifle the yawn that escaped his mouth over his father’s shoulder. He was so tall. Kaz wanted to be this tall, he thought dimly.

 

            “You were sad. I know I shouldn’t have been playing outside without Jordie but I wanted to get new sticks for Timber to throw tomorrow after lessons.” Kaz said hurriedly as his father sat down on the couch, Kaz still braced on his lap. Kaz saw Jordie standing behind the couch, his hands folding and unfolding the little red cloth he’d just used on Kaz’s head.

 

            “Kaz.” Da said sternly. Kaz felt his cheeks flush, he knew his father’s tone. He was still in trouble.

 

            “What do you mean I was sad?” Bram asked as he scooped a piece of Kaz’s hair away from his forehead.

 

            “You were talking to Mama. I heard it. You were sad and… I’m not a coward.” Kaz finished, as if it all made sense. Jordie was shaking in a tiny fit of silent laughter but Kaz couldn’t even muster an eye roll. It wasn’t funny.

 

            He was so tired. His hands hurt. His head hurt. Had they not seen Mama’s grave? Hadn’t he got down the hill? He must have forgotten because he was so tired. Surely, he’d done it.

 

            “Fill in the blanks for me, son.” Bram said, earthly eyes glinting in the firelight. Kaz wondered if he’d grow a short beard like Da someday. He looked neat with it, Kaz thought.

 

            “I wanted to bring Mama’s grave down the hill so she wouldn’t be lonely out there. So you wouldn’t be lonely here. I made it, didn’t I? I pushed hard. The rock was scratchy but… I’m the reason Mama isn’t here with… with you. I didn’t mean to get blood on her rock. I just wanted to fix it.” Kaz began to cry, lip puckered and ashamed. He was sniffling and in pain, but he squeezed his eyes shut, so Da and Jordie maybe wouldn’t notice his tears.

 

            Before Kaz knew it, he was being squished. Da was hugging him so tight he almost couldn’t breathe. Jordie was hugging him from behind.

 

            “Kaz Elias Rietveld, there is nothing to fix, kid. Not a damn thing.” Da’s voice was gruff and warm against Kaz’s ear as he wrapped his own tiny arms around his father’s neck. Jordie didn’t let go and Kaz felt Da hug Jordie in, too.

 

            “Mama isn’t stuck out there, Kaz. I promise. She just rests out there, but do you know what she does when she’s not resting, even if we can’t see her?” Da asked. Kaz shook his head as he continued to sob quietly. Or so he hoped. Jordie was running his hand down Kaz’s back.

 

            “She talks to her flowers in the box outside, makes sure they know when to grow for us. She teases Timber, cause he can see her. You know when he barks at nothin’ and we have to tell him to hush up?”

 

            “Really? Timber sees Mama?” Kaz sniffled, hope falling warm against his chest, just like his father and brother’s tight embrace.

 

            “Of course she does, Kaz.” Jordie was the one to speak, voice muffled in Kaz’s wild black hair. “She always makes sure to tell Timber to play with us, even when he’d rather chase the chickens.”

 

            A snotty laugh bubbled out of Kaz against his Da’s shirt. He felt his father’s chest moving in a laugh, too.

 

            “Your Mama wanted to be on the hill so she could see us all over the farm, Kaz. She ain’t lonely. Sometimes, seeing someone is better than words, you know?” Da whispered as Kaz’s laughter began to fade. Jordie held him tighter.

 

            “How?” Kaz asked, smaller than he wanted to be. Why hadn’t he been around longer. Why hadn’t he grown as tall as Jordie yet? His brother wasn’t crying.

 

            Bram pulled away slightly, a big hand cupping Kaz’s wet cheek to make him look up. Da sighed, a lilt of a crooked smile hanging on his lips. Kaz saw two dimples, one on either side of his father’s mouth. Kaz met his Da’s eyes, confused, but better than before.

 

            Mama knew him! Mama knew he was sorry!

 

            “Sometimes, there aren’t words, son. Sometimes, you see someone, and you just can’t open your mouth. Sometimes, silence is good enough. More than enough, and better than words. That’s why I really go out to the hill, Kaz. I go out there because when I see the Oak tree blow around in the breeze, and the fields in the sun, I feel like I see your Mama. I used words because I could, today. Some days, I feel her and words won’t do it justice. Some days, I can’t speak.”

 

            Kaz squinted, trying to understand.

 

            “Do you remember, when you first saw Timber on your birthday, and his ears were too big for his pup sized body and all we could do was laugh?” Da asked. Kaz nodded, a smile already blooming on his face. He’d never forget how silly Timber had looked, how his ears flopped and fell in his eyes.

 

            The dog in question padded in the room, hearing his name. Kaz reached out a hand and the big black dog gave his fingers a lick before he settled in front of the hearth beside the Rietveld boys. His humans.

 

            “Remember how no words could come out because you were so happy?” Da asked, bringing Kaz’s attention back. Da looked serious, but his lips still smiled softly.

 

            “Yeah, your face was so red I thought you couldn’t breathe.” Jordie nudged Kaz’s shoulder with his chin. His brother was still hugging him, and Kaz didn’t want to move. He wanted to understand.

 

            “I remember.” Kaz sniffled once again.

 

            “Your Mama loved you both so much. She loved you so much that she’s always that happy out there on the hill. She can’t talk back because she’s smiling that big. She’s beyond words, Kaz, but it don’t mean she ain’t happy where she’s at.” Da whispered.

 

            Kaz’s eyes widened, gears locking into place. He got it. Mama was… happy on the hill. She could see them, even if she couldn’t talk. Even if Da couldn’t always talk to her.

 

            “You aren’t lonely, Da? You promise?” Kaz yawned but tried to keep his face as serious as Da’s.

 

            Da brushed Kaz’s hair back, his eyes softening further. The fire cast amber beams across his face.

 

            “Not a day in my life, Kaz. Not with you guys here to keep me busy. That includes the silly dog.” Da made a funny face as Kaz began to laugh, he felt Jordie laughing behind him.

 

           

 

 

            That night, after Da had carried Kaz up to his and Jordie’s room, Kaz fell asleep before he remembered his head hitting the pillow.

 

            When Kaz woke in the middle of the night, it was to his mattress dipping, a warm arm being slung over him.

 

            “Jordie?” Kaz whispered sleepily in the darkness, the sounds of the bubbling creek carrying in from the cracked window.

 

            “Yeah, Kaz?” Jordie yawned behind him.

 

            “You have your own bed. Why are you here?” Kaz asked groggily.

 

            “You were crying in my dream. I didn’t like it, so I’m over here to make sure it doesn’t happen again.” Jordie mumbled.

 

            “I’m okay, Jordie.” Kaz tried to sound brave, but even then, he was afraid of his brother leaving. He didn’t like waking up when the room was still dark; most of the time he woke Jordie just to walk him to the bathroom.

 

            “I know, Kaz. It’s me that’s not.” Jordie admitted quietly. Kaz heard his brother’s voice crack. Was Jordie… crying?

 

            “Is it because of me?” Kaz tried to turn around but Jordie’s arm stiffened.

 

            “No, Kaz. I just got scared earlier, that’s all.”

 

            “Why?” Kaz pushed in a whisper.

 

            “Because I couldn’t find you, and then when I did, I found you bleeding and unconscious on the hill. I… I can’t lose you Kaz. You’re small and annoying, but you’re my best friend. My best, best, best.” Jordie croaked.

 

            Kaz’s heart thumped in his chest, his brother liked him as much as Kaz liked Jordie?

 

            “I’m sorry you don’t have Mama cause of me.” Kaz said instead. He meant it. Every word.

 

            Suddenly, Jordie sat upright and looked down at Kaz, his eleven-year-old face pinched in unmatched seriousness.

 

            “I don’t ever want to hear you say that again, Kaz. The only thing I don’t have because of you is my own room, but so far, you haven’t been the worst to share with.” Jordie said, his face easing a fraction.

 

            “You promise, Jordie?”

 

            “I promise on every finger, Kaz.” His brother answered as he laid back down and Kaz flipped to his back.

 

            Together, they stared at the ceiling, knowing that was the end of words.

 

            Sometimes, Kaz remembered, silence was enough. Jordie got that.

 

            Sometimes, seeing someone was enough. More telling than words.

 

            Kaz wondered, sleepy and curious, if he’d ever meet someone else who liked the quiet as much as he did.

 

            If there’d ever be someone, who understood him like his brother who held his hand until he fell back asleep.

 

            Kaz wondered if he’d ever be beyond words again, looking at someone. Like Mama was forever beyond.

 

 

 

            The memory flashed bright, singeing Kaz’s lungs in the span of a few angry heartbeats. He stood in the entry way of an unfamiliar cottage. The memory of a night when Kaz had wondered if he’d been the reason for his father’s pain blanketed him, reminding him that sometimes, words were needed, too.

 

            Now, Kaz Brekker stood in front of his aunt.

 

            Someone who could have been there, when he and Jordie needed her. Kaz had never left. Kaz had never abandoned his family.

 

            Kaz was all that was left. Kaz had lived. Maybe, it was because of sheer fucking spite. Or revenge, or any of the countless other bullshit reasons that Kaz had fed his subconscious over the years since Jordie had perished in order to rationalize his own fucking existence.

           

            Standing here, in the glow of a burning fire as rain crashed down above him on the porch covering, Kaz had a new answer.

 

            He’d always had a reason.

 

            Kaz had lived because he’d been brave enough to go on.

 

            He had not been a coward. He would not be one now, either. He’d read the letters.

 

            “Tell me why you didn’t write him back.” Kaz repeated, his voice grating like steel on rough stone. He did not yell. He said it calmly, even if every molecule between his bones and sinew urged him to rage.

 

            He said these words with the force of a mallet in a judge’s hand.

 

            He was Kaz Brekker, both jury and executioner.

 

            He was Kaz Brekker, and his reason had always been the same. It was not new at all.

 

            Justice. Kaz wanted justice.

 

 

INEJ

 

            The rain had slicked Inej’s coat to her skin as she watched Kaz’s shoulders lift and fall, his back to her.

 

            Inej could make out Emilia’s shadow in the soft light leaking from the cabin, but she could not see her around Kaz as he blocked the doorway.

 

            Inej gulped a breath of dampened air before she stepped forward, right to Kaz’s side. Her first new glimpse of Emilia was as astonishing as it had been the night on the hill. Kaz’s aunt was slender and feminine, wearing a modest white satin robe that covered her all the way to her feet. Her black hair was curled to perfection, a length rivaling Inej’s own locks as it tumbled over a delicate shoulder.

 

            The woman’s skin was flushed, her dark eyes wide and framed in wispy eyelashes so similar to Kaz’s own. Inej was struck, once more, that this was Kaz’s mother’s twin sister. Elena had looked like this woman. This woman who had clearly not been expecting them, but still somehow managed to look entirely put together. Graceful was the only word Inej could conjure as Kaz stared the woman down.

 

            Emilia’s chest heaved in surprised breaths, her exhales puffing in the slant of glowing light against the storm.

 

            Emilia’s lips were slightly agape as she stared at her nephew, standing in the doorway of her home. She did not speak.

 

Inej couldn’t decide whom, between the two family members, held the advantage in way of battle field terrain. Emilia on home turf, or Kaz on the surprise attack.

 

Inej wanted to shake herself silly for thinking of the two as opposing gangs. Kaz had rubbed off on her more than she’d thought.

 

            More so, Inej had no idea what she was doing as she stood beside Kaz. Kaz, who had gone still in his aunt’s silence. She saw the twitch of a muscle in his jaw, the strain of the leather on his hands braced over the head of his cane.

 

            All at once, Kaz stepped into Emilia’s space.

 

            “Answer me, now.” Kaz demanded, the promise of Dirtyhands’ appearance hanging in the air. Of course, Emilia knew nothing of who Kaz had become. Inej knew though. Inej knew that Kaz’s patience was thin, after whatever he’d read in those letters. Part of Inej wished she knew, the other half was glad she did not. She wanted to be impartial to Kaz’s decisions, here.

 

            Everything stopped when Emilia flinched gently away from Kaz, her eyes shuttering in unchecked fear. The woman’s cheeks flushed as she released a near silent yelp.

 

            Inej recognized the woman’s posture, the way her feet stayed planted, but her body tried to urge her to dash.

 

            Inej recognized it… because it was how she’d looked a thousand times. It had been how Inej had looked when fear struck her heart, whenever a man so much as brushed her shoulder unexpectedly. It was how Inej had looked the first time Jesper had tried to hug her.

 

It was the way Inej had looked the first time she’d stood in Kaz’s attic, fresh from a silk laden hell, certain he’d had ulterior motives in purchasing her indenture.

 

 Body moving faster than shadow, Inej’s mind went blank. Inej didn’t know what she was doing as she slipped between Kaz and Emilia, a wall of flesh shorter than the both of them.

 

            Swallowing, Inej stared up at Kaz. She saw surprise flicker beneath his neutrality, saw his breathing change rhythm for only the space of a single second.

 

            Inej heard Emilia’s gasp behind her, seeing a woman she did not know stand between herself and her nephew.

 

            Inej didn’t know what she’d done or even why, but she willed her eyes to give Kaz whatever unspoken answer her own body had clearly demanded.

 

            “She looked like me, Kaz. She looked afraid,” Inej pleaded with him internally, never breaking the contact she had with her avri, somewhere beneath the marble mask of indifference he now donned. “I know you’re angry, mera chaar. I know you’d never raise a hand, but she doesn’t know that. You can’t expect her to know that. I’m here to give her space.”

 

            Suddenly, Kaz stepped back significantly, at least over three paces. He straightened himself as he dipped his chin once in a nod to Inej.

 

            Inej knew he’d seen what she’d tried to convey. Kaz understood her. Her heart sang his praises as she watched him.

 

            “I shouldn’t have done that.” Kaz rasped. Inej’s brow rose as she stared at him, his eyes still latched on hers. Then, he dragged his gaze away and toward Emilia. Inej couldn’t believe the words that had just come out of him, in the state he was in now. She hadn’t expected him to acknowledge what she’d seen.

 

            “Tea.” Inej sputtered the random word, feeling all sorts of intruding.

 

Isn’t that what real people did when they had matters to discuss and little previous acquaintance? Her mother would have suggested tea. Mama always had tea on hand in the caravans; it was not as binding as a meal, but something to offer nonetheless.

 

 Inej thought of her mother’s grace as she rolled her shoulders back, prepared to buffer whatever was to come. Prepared to follow Kaz out of this house the moment he decided he was done with it, prepared to listen to Emilia, as unbiased as she could.

 

            “I have tea.” Emilia’s voice was tempered and quiet. It was the first thing she’d said since opening the door.

 

            Kaz ran a hand over the side of his face and Inej could feel his irritation rolling off him in great plumes.

 

            Inej turned and took a step out of the space between Kaz and his aunt. Now, Emilia was throwing a curl over her shoulder, her spine straightening. Inej didn’t miss the quiver of her pale hand as she adjusted the sash on her robe. Nor did Inej miss the way the woman looked over Kaz, taking in every detail she could without being noticed.

 

            “I don’t know your name.” Emilia spoke again, this time to Inej. Inej swallowed the knot in her throat as she peeled her eyes from Kaz. Emilia did not acknowledge that Inej had stood in front of her, and for that, Inej was only grateful.

 

            “Inej.”

 

            Emilia’s rosy lips mouthed her name with no sound before she walked toward Kaz, stopping in the space Inej had previously occupied.

 

            “I will answer you, but for Ghezen’s sake let me close the fucking door. Your wife is shaking and the rain is blowing in.” Emilia said softly to Kaz, no malice in her silvery tone.

 

            That was when Inej realized she was in fact shivering. Her clothes were dripping on a soft-spun carpet beneath her boots. Glancing around, Inej noticed the fireplace in the far wall, flames flickering merrily. She took in the piles of fabric strewn around every available inch of a smart round table in the center of the large room. Lace, organza, cotton. Inej swore she even caught a glimpse of emerald silk amongst the piles.

 

Inej spotted a mannequin filled with colorful pins in the corner beside a small armoire. There was a bed in the corner, with curtains tied to the side to act as a partition to the rest of the home. Everything was messy in a tidy sort of way, feminine and clean, but cluttered. If it had been any other person’s home, Inej would have already been asking questions about the fascinating sketches pinned to the walls, the bundles of charcoal pencils overflowing jars and vases.

 

 Inej could hardly enjoy the heavenly scent that flooded her nose as she stood there, soaking and shaking.

 

            Inej heard the door shut, the sound drawing her eyes back to Kaz who now stood just inside, his body sharp and poised for defense even as he gripped his cane casually. He looked like he did in a parlay, Inej thought vaguely.

 

            “I had almond coffee cake baking.” Emilia answered Inej’s unspoken question as the woman walked the space, moving flickering candles onto the table and pulling shafts of fabric into her arms to make room.

 

            “This is quite forward of me, but do you have a bathroom?” Inej shifted on her feet, her body angry with her for ignoring it’s needs since before she’d left the farm with Kaz. He did not look at Inej as she spoke, his eyes tracking his aunts every movement.

 

            “Oh! Behind you.” Emilia answered politely, though Inej thought she glimpsed the slip of a smile on her profile.

 

            “Kaz?” Inej called as she turned for the bathroom. Emilia’s eyes flicked up, wide and stunned. Inej realized it was the first time she’d said his name in the presence of his aunt. She ignored Emilia’s flinty eyes, for now.

 

            “Yes?” Kaz nearly growled as his head whipped to her. Inej arched a brow as he glared at her. She registered the ghost of remorse in his eyes as his face loosened only a fraction.

 

            “You have a leaf on your jacket.” Inej rolled her eyes as she shut the door behind her to the small wash room.

 

            Inej took care of her needs as quickly as possible, scrubbing warmth back into her hands was a luxury she wished she could savor longer. She could not leave them out there alone, though. Kaz had asked her to be here for a reason, and Inej wanted to support him however she could. He’d done the same for her, in Aska Vasman.

 

 Inej could still hear the rain on the roof of the house, pounding and menacing. Fitting.

 

            Inej glanced at her reflection in the small mirror, and for the first time, wondered what Emilia was seeing when she looked at her. Inej’s hair was frizzy around her face, the rest dripping in a sorry plait. The scar on her neck was visible in her dirty tunic she’d worn to work on the barn this afternoon.

 

            Inej did not even want to know what she smelled like. Horse at best, probably. She was suli, she’d grown up around animals, and still Inej felt her hands adjusting her shirt, quickly re-braiding her hair.

 

            Why did she care? Kaz had been clear. He wanted answers, and that was all. Unless…

 

            Inej cut off the train of thought. This was Kaz’s choice. She had to remain impartial, no matter what she’d seen in Emilia’s dark eyes that night on the hill. When Kaz had stood in the doorway.

 

            The look was unmistakable. On the hill, when Emilia had seen Kaz, Inej had seen lost hope being returned.

 

            Hope always looked the same, no matter which face it chose to cross. Hope was a spattering of stars across one’s eyes, day or night.

 

            Hope is what Kaz had given her, the moment she’d seen her parents on the docks one unexpectedly sunny morning in Ketterdam.

 

            Inej didn’t know what was about to happen, but if she stole a spritz from the crystal perfume bottle on Emilia’s bathroom counter to make herself feel better, she didn’t think that was too egregious a slight.

 

            When Inej returned to the main room, she found Kaz standing in the same place as he’d been before, sans leaf. Emilia flittered about her kitchenette on the far wall, ignoring Kaz’s glare with ease.

 

            Inej wondered if the two of them were crafted of the same material.

 

It was like watching alley cats snarl at each other in the rain, neither willing to vacate their cover at risk of getting wet, even if they wanted a fight.

 

            “I stole some of your perfume. It’s… nice.” Inej cleared the air, admitting her own theft seemed like a casual enough ice breaker. Even if the perfume smelled like stale sugar, or something equally as admonishment-worthy and impossible.

 

            Inej wished she still smelled like horse.

 

            Emilia turned over her shoulder to eye Inej.

 

            “I like people who make themselves comfortable.” Emilia threw Kaz a pointed look, taking in all his harsh posture. Uncomfortable posture.

 

            A laugh threatened to climb up Inej’s throat but she had the good sense to quell it. This was not a laughing occasion. She wished, most suddenly, that Jesper were here. He was so… natural at making people comfortable. Inej was not gifted that way.

 

            Apparently, neither were the Rietvelds’. Any of them. Even if Emilia was not truly a Rietveld.

 

            “How do you take your tea, Inej?” Emilia asked quietly. Inej liked the way her name sounded in Emilia’s strange accent. The ‘J’ was drug out, rolling rather than harsh.

 

            It reminded her of Kaz.

 

            “Honey, if you have it. Or plain is fine. Thank you.” Inej answered, wondering if she should have bothered to hide the knife strapped to her belt.

 

Did weapons make this woman uncomfortable, or was she like Kaz in that way, too? Did she shy from twisted things, or covet them?

 

            “And you?” Emilia turned to look at Kaz as she placed a kettle on a lace napkin in the center of the now fabric-free table.

 

            Surprisingly, Kaz’s hands eased on the head of his cane. Inej catalogued his movements as he adjusted his jacket. She knew, she knew he was holding his tongue by a thread. In fact, Inej had been certain he’d have told her they were leaving the moment she exited the bathroom.

 

            “I don’t take tea, if I can help it.” Kaz muttered as his eyes finally lifted back to Emilia.

 

            “Coffee, then.” Emilia nodded, not bothering to ask further.

 

            “Yes.” Kaz’s brows pitched together behind the woman’s back, as if he couldn’t quite find out how she’d solved the equation to his drink of choice. It was not science, Inej thought, but then she noticed the coffee had already been brewed alongside the tea.

 

            Emilia had anticipated his answer.

 

            “Me too.” Emilia said as she reached into a low cabinet, placing three porcelain mugs onto the table beside a small jar of sweet amber honey.

 

            “So, are we going to continue to stand in awkward company or play civilized humans and sit down?” Emilia stood with her hands braced on the back of a chair at the table.

 

            “Oh, pardon. You’re absolutely right. This is civilized, finding out about my dead mother’s sister when I’m nearly twenty years old. Forgive me, it slipped my mind how normal that is.” Kaz spat, already defensive once more.

 

            Saints help us.

 

            “Apology accepted.” Emilia returned without missing a beat as she arranged herself in a chair.

 

            Inej was certain her jaw had clamored against the floor.

 

            A woman not even remotely intimidated by the glare of Kaz Brekker was a force to be reckoned with. Inej would know, she too had the ability.

 

Perhaps it was a natural talent, a gift bestowed by Kaz’s Heist Gods to check his ego.

 

            Kaz’s lips thinned in a grimace as Inej stepped past him, her mind already made up. Inej sat and began to heap honey into a steaming cup of tea.

 

            A moment later, Kaz seemed to understand that Inej would see this through, whether he stood or sat. His sigh reverberated under his breath, thin and annoyed.

 

            “Seems rather dim to stand with a poor leg.” Emilia observed offhandedly, her eyes grazing over Kaz’s leg.

 

            “Seems rather dim to let your family wonder after you for nine years.” Kaz glared on.

 

            “Sit down, boy. Ask your questions and then decide what method to use to murder me.”

 

            Inej choked on her tea as both heads whipped in her direction.

 

            “Wrong way down.” Inej lied hoarsely.

 

            “Boy? No. The second part, that I can agree to.” Kaz simmered as he finally limped to the table and braced his knee as he sat.

 

            Inej noticed how he shifted his body away from her. She wished she hadn’t noticed. She’d not done a thing wrong. She shifted her chair closer to his. Loudly.

 

            Point made, Inej thought smugly.

 

            “Why. Didn’t. You. Write. Him.” Kaz set his clenched fist on the table, not bothering to reach for his coffee. Inej knew he meant Bram, but something under Kaz’s tone told Inej a different story. A different question.

 

            Why didn’t you come back for us?

 

            Emilia’s breath halted as she blew on her mug of tea. She set the cup down on the table with a soft clink.

 

            “I didn’t know he wrote me.” Emilia said, chin held high. Glass splintered in her eyes, but she did not let it shatter.

 

            “How do you have the letters, then? What was so important you couldn’t bother to write him, even if you weren’t receiving his letters? Did you never think of him enough to strike up a conversation yourself? Did you not think of your dead sister’s wishes? Of Jordie? Of… me?” Kaz said the words through grit teeth, barely forcing the last out.

 

            Inej held her breath as fear brushed poisoned kisses along her neck. Kaz was not easing into this conversation, she’d not expected any different.

 

            “I tried. I tried to get letters to Bram.” Emilia was staring at Kaz, and he her. Inej couldn’t help but notice each similarity, down to the pale fingers Emilia wrapped around her mug. A thread of pleading entered Emilia’s features, but before Inej could decipher whether it was for Kaz’s understanding or out of discomfort, her face returned to neutrality.

 

            Like a slip of a coin between pale fingers, Emilia applied her own glamorous mask.

 

            “Fill in the fucking blanks.” Kaz demanded.

 

            “My husband stole them from the mailbox before they were picked up by the post. I was not allowedoutside alone in Noyvi Zem. My piece of shit husband had those letters, every single one of them, and dangled them over my head every chance he got. Do you know how I read the first one? He felt guilty when he pushed me down a flight of stairs. He let me read a letter that was already two years old.” Emilia spat, her voice raised. Her gaze turned as lethal as Kaz’s own.

 

Inej didn’t want to be in Kaz’s seat. Inej didn’t want to be in Emilia’s seat, either.

 

            “If you’ve come here to insult me, you won’t. Nothing you say to me will be anything I didn’t think of myself already. Nothing you say, Kaz Elias Rietveld, will outweigh the amount of self-deprecation I’ve inflicted on my own person.

 

            “Similarly, nothing I say will make up for the fact that I wasn’t here when Bram died. Nothing I say will excuse the sheer amount of pain you must have faced. I don’t know you, but don’t pretend to know my character either, nephew. I can tolerate your hatred. Your cruelty or malice, and it will be well deserved.

 

“However, I will not tolerate the insinuation that I did not think of you, all of you, every single hour of every single day, for the past nineteen years. I survived off the speck of hope that I could live long enough to return here. To you and your brother. To Bram. To my sister, even in the grave.”

 

            Emilia’s voice shook with rage, her knuckles white where she gripped a napkin. She did not raise her voice, this time. It was more terrifying. A tear streaked down her pale cheek, whether from anger or sorrow, Inej didn’t know. All Inej knew was that Emilia spoke truth. Emilia had called Kaz by his full name.

 

            Inej saw something happen, then. Inej saw Kaz, behind his eyes. Saw the softness he usually reserved for her and their closest friends. It was gone before Inej could catch his gaze. His eyes followed the tear on his aunt’s face.

 

            Emilia… she’d… had a husband. A husband who… oh no. No. No. No.

 

 Inej glanced between aunt and nephew, back and forth.

 

            “Tell me why you left.” Kaz asked. Asked, even if he worded it as a demand. Inej could hear his small alteration to his inflection.

 

            Emilia sighed before she slid pale fingers through her hair, once, twice.

 

            “Your grandparents married me off when I turned twenty-one. It’s legal if a daughter lives at home, I’m sure you know. Kerch is progressive, but only so far. Your… your mother, and Bram, they tried to stop it. It caused my parents to write Elena off entirely. You see, Elena met your father when we were only nineteen. She was lucky. She found love. She wasn’t home anymore. I… well, I wasn’t the daughter my parents wanted.” Emilia swallowed thickly as she traced a groove in the wood on the table.

 

            Inej thought of Alys Van Eck. Of all the young women in Ketterdam’s high society, the girls not much older than Inej, if at all. The women with bands on their hands and bruises covered by powder, even with baby bumps in their bellies.

 

            Some of them were lucky of course, married to a good match or for love to begin with. The girls that became burdens to their parents however… they didn’t have much a say at all.

 

            Daughters like Alys who had been pawned off on wealthy merchants with snakes in their souls like Jan Van Eck.

 

            Clearly, it happened out of the city, too. Inej felt a rock settle in her stomach.

 

            “For Elena, Bram was it. Our parents didn’t object to her engagement to him, if only because he had a good enough life to offer her and he paid their archaic dowry. But Elle, she would have married him if he’d had nothing but the clothes on his back. He became the brother I never had, instantly. For a moment in time, I thought Elle being out of the house would be enough. Maybe I’d find another way to… make my own way. Maybe I’d become invisible to them.” Emilia continued, eyes distant and shoulders tight.

 

            Inej watched as Kaz tilted his head, not quite encouragement, but the best he could offer.

 

            “They married me to a man from Noyvi Zem. He lived in town, after purchasing some fields out west. I suppose he was kind, in the beginning. I only met him twice before we married, he was gone so often. He still owned a Jurda plantation in Noyvi Zem, his main source of income. He only relocated to Kerch to expand his horizons and for the wealth you can garner in this country from the land’s diversity.

 

            “For two years, I only saw my husband for a few days at a time, and I had a home to myself, a little apartment in town above the old apothecary. Those two years were the happiest in my life, honestly. I… I was free, or at least a modicum of it. My parents were appeased, even if they scowled every time I so much as crossed them in town. Both of them passed of fever, during that second year. I wish I could say I mourned, but I didn’t. They loved Elena and I in their own way, I suppose. It was not warm, or comfortable. It was the type of love that was required, a contractual obligation in the eyes of society. They left nothing behind for us, anyways. Broke and bitter memories, I suppose.”

 

            Emilia paused thoughtfully, her gaze flicking once to Kaz before landing back on the table. Inej didn’t know how the woman felt about her presence for such a conversation, but she hardly seemed to notice her beside her nephew.

 

Something told Inej that Emilia was offering the bones of the truth, none of the flesh. She understood that, too.

 

            “In those two years… I saw Elena and Bram, nearly every single day. Spent full nights on the farm house porch, a bottle of ale between us. They… they included me. Took me in while my husband left me to my own devices. It was on that porch that they told me they were expecting Jordan. I never saw my sister so happy. Bram couldn’t stop worrying himself into a tizzy over Elle, even before she showed. It was ridiculous how happy I was. I didn’t think anything could bring me more joy, than being an aunt.

 

            “Than… having a family, even as an extra part. A wheel not needed, but helpful.”

 

            Kaz’s breath seemed to slow, each time his parent’s names were spoken. Inej could feel his fear, his anger. Now, Inej felt something else from her avri, too.

 

            Curiosity.

 

            “You had a husband.” Kaz said gruffly. “Where is he now? Should I be expecting someone else to walk into… whatever the hell it is we’re doing?”

 

            “He’s dead.” Emilia’s eyes sharpened to spears of midnight.

 

            “You don’t mourn his loss.” Kaz observed his aunt, hands threading together on his lap as he leaned back in his chair. Inej caught the way Emilia’s eyes flickered to Kaz’s gloves. It was warm enough in the dim fire-lit room that a normal man may have removed them. Kaz didn’t acknowledge her stare, used to eyes on his hands at all times in Ketterdam.

 

            A humorless laugh leaked from Emilia’s mouth, mirthless and cruel.

 

            Once again, Inej was reminded of Kaz. A different side of Kaz. One she still loved, even on his bleakest days.

 

            “No. No, I do not. Did you think I was meek enough a woman to mourn a man who pushed me down stairs and hid the letters from my only family? Who cut me off from the world? Or are you not very adept at listening?”

 

            “I wasn’t sure if the husband you spoke of earlier was your only husband.” Kaz glared. “Pardon my attempt to remove assumptions from this conversation.”

 

            Emilia froze as she met Kaz’s gaze, her face falling.

 

            “You’re right.” Emilia hummed, leaning back in her own seat.

 

            Kaz began to open his mouth once again, but Emilia held up a hand. Kaz rolled his eyes but ceased his attempt to speak.

 

            “Before you ask anything more… before I continue, I need one answer from you.” Emilia’s voice softened as she locked eyes with Kaz.

 

            Inej held her breath for the fifteenth time.

 

            “I never agreed to answer a damn thing. Not to mention that nothing you’ve said has really answered my question as to why you left.” Kaz replied coldly.

 

            “Will anything I tell you, leave this room?” Emilia ignored Kaz’s statement entirely.

 

            Kaz looked over his aunt, scrutinizing her face.

 

            “No.” He said simply, after a long moment.

 

            “And her, is she to be trusted?” Emilia glanced at Inej but waited for Kaz’s answer instead of Inej’s own.

 

            Inej understood. Kaz… he was a stranger to Emilia, but blood in the end. Inej was a suli woman who had barely uttered her name since entering this cottage.

 

            “She is.” Inej answered before Kaz could snap.

 

            “My fiancé is the only person in the world I would trust to be here.” Kaz returned, annoyed. Inej felt his hand brush her thigh beneath the table, a jolt to her senses. It was enough to feel his soft touch. Enough to remind Inej how strong Kaz was, how gentle. Warmth spread through Inej's veins as his fingers settled on her knee. 

 

            Kaz had not lied and told his aunt that they were already married. He’d told everyone they’d met in town, that they were already wed. Why was he being honest now? Had… had Kaz decided to give her a kernel of his own trust? Even if his aunt didn’t know it?

 

            “Welcome to the supremely fucked up family of two then, Inej.” Emilia mumbled.

 

            Inej froze when she heard Kaz snort under his breath. He recovered with a sip of coffee, hiding the tear in his mask.

 

            Inej hid her own amusement.

 

She hid it in a crevice of her chest reserved for the precious stars of her own hope, a place black and twinkling with unspoken dreams. Down there, in that part of herself, Inej admitted a quiet truth for only herself and the Saints above.

 

            She hoped Kaz and Emilia found each other for a reason.

 

            “I wonder what you’d say, Elena.” Inej asked internally, sending a message into the earth, to a mother who loved her sons.

 

             Inej heard the rain smacking the roof, and then, she remembered something Kaz had once told her.

 

            Elena Rietveld’s laughter sounded like rain.

Notes:

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So...? Agh. I think this one was harder to write because I really wanted to keep Kaz in his "Brekker" sort of state if that makes sense, even with the emotional turmoil. It... Emilia is a stranger to him, I just.. agh. It's why I wrote from Inej's observant perspective. AGH. I'm flailing like the nervous author I am. Halp.I can't even explain w/o writing you an essay.

Chapter 134: The Words Beyond

Summary:

A fight. Some truth.

Notes:

Chapter 134!!!! **** PLEASE READ THESE NOTES****

I just want to put a warning here for both mentions of Domestic violence and SA related trauma. I didn't want anyone to go into this chapter unsuspecting and potentially read something harmful. <3

Anyways, I hope you guys love this one. OOooooffff is it dense. It's dialogue and reflection all in one and let me tell you... Em is a hard character, but I love her to pieces. I can't wait to show you what's next. AHHh. I hope you love it and I hope it matters. I've waited so so so long to bring Emilia into the fold. I dreamed of her so long ago... and she's special to me. As special as Nani from Aska Vasman. <3

Thank you for an eternity for continuing to read this story. Seriously. I know it's been a dense few chapters, but we're getting to some seriously good ones. Ahhhhh. Thank you. Just thank you.

PLEASE leave my little author self a comment. I live for them, for hearing theories and getting to read your thoughts <3 I'd especially love one here, as this chapter was... oh it was hard to write. Harder than I'm willing to admit. I'm also hoping to get back to some tonight and tomorrow- I miss y'all.

"Sympathy" By The Goo Goo Dolls. (play it soft, for our girl Emilia.)

***** PLEASE READ TOP PORTION OF AUTHOR NOTE FOR QUICK CONTENT WARNING*****

KAZ

 

            Emilia was quiet. Inej sat silent beside him.

 

            Kaz had always loved the quiet, cherished it, in fact.

 

Quiet, in Kaz’s mind, had become his safe haven. Words were often ethereal things that Kaz couldn’t quite grasp; no matter how far his reach or the might of his desperation to snatch the infernal things from the space between seconds. Quiet, however, allowed action to display meaning. Quiet could hold Kaz steady, even when there had been no one there to grip his hand, cover his shoulders in an embrace.

 

            Quiet had been Kaz’s oldest friend, ever since he’d shredded his vocal chords coughing and screaming, trying to wake a brother who’d never answer. Quiet had followed Kaz from fifth harbor, held him tight through the nights that followed in brick stone alleys and dusty crevices under canal bridges. Quiet had accompanied him into the Dregs, slapped him on the shoulder in congratulations when he’d won a vicious brawl or snatched a good haul off an un-expecting pigeon.  

 

            Quiet had been a forest, lush and dark, dry and warm. Quiet had been the place where Kaz had kneeled, baring his thoughts in offering to silent forces. Quiet had come after Jordie, but before Jesper or Inej or any others. Quiet had never left Kaz, never disappointed him.

 

            Now, quiet betrayed him with cracks of sparkling flames and the uncomfortable air of hushed secrets that kissed his cheeks like paralyzing smoke. His forest of silence had grown thorns and treacherous swells of man-swallowing marsh.

 

Each step Kaz took into this quiet, his thoughts grew louder. His resolve sunk deeper.

 

What-if’s screamed and thrashed and stepped on loud twigs, circling the underbrush of his previously restful clearing.

 

Demands for answers cawed overhead, birds of prey shadowed against a dead tree skyline.

 

Understanding pricked at Kaz’s feet, sprouting from the ground as inelegant vines and the corrupt memories of a boy who’d held compassion in his chest, before he’d carved it away with the beak of a crow’s skull.

 

“I still lived in town, until the day your mother gave birth to you.” Emilia’s smooth voice broke into Kaz’s forest, snapping his eyes from the dancing flames in the old hearth.

 

“Until my mother died.” Kaz corrected, his voice lethal and charged.

 

Emilia’s eyes slanted on his profile, her gaze the brush of a torch leaving his blood sizzling in contempt.

 

“Both are true.” His aunt complied.

 

“Great, so you got a peek into what I’m capable of.” Kaz snapped, regretting the words immediately.

 

He regretted tainting the date of his mother’s death with his self-deprecation. Regretted hollowing out the center of the weight of that day and making it his own. His father had lost his wife that day. Jordie had lost his mother. Emilia… Kaz shook the thought. 

 

Inej flinched silently beside him, he felt her leg jolt under his gloved fingers he’d left splayed on her knee beneath the table. He wanted to turn to her, or maybe to rip his hand away, but did neither.

 

“I got a glimpse of the family I would be dragged from, before my sister’s body was cold. Take your threats and shove them in someone else’s face, I’m not impressed by men with their cowardice words.” Emilia retorted, taking a sip of tea.

 

Kaz was struck well and truly silent. He fucking hated the urge he had to rip an apology from his lungs and thrust it unto the world. An apology to himself. To Emilia. To Mama.

 

Cowardice laced through his vocal chords and yanked hard, double knots and unimaginable twists. Kaz’s gaze fell back to the flames, ashamed and angry.

           

            “Kaz.” Inej’s voice slid down Kaz’s neck, his spine. Contrition restrained his muscles, his thoughts.

 

            Kaz didn’t answer as his fingers tightened on his cane.

 

            “Kaz.” Emilia’s voice came next.

 

            “What?” Kaz growled, bitterness coating his tongue. She said his name again. His aunt said his name again.

 

            “If you want me to answer your questions, I will do so to your face and not your shadow.” Emilia replied coldly.

 

            Kaz forced his head to turn. Inej’s hand landed on top of his beneath the table. She gripped his fingers and squeezed gently twice. A slow pulse, a steady movement that had the rage dropping from a boil within to a steady simmer. He flipped his palm to squeeze back. Tight.

 

            Inej didn’t drop his hand, only weathered his need to grip onto something, to someone, this once.

 

            “Speak then. I’ve been waiting.” Kaz rasped, tucking his free hand into his jacket pocket after leaning his cane against the table. He felt bronze cufflinks against his fingers. He traced the shape of the little crows. These were for Jordie. He’d brought them to leave at Jordie’s grave. The headstone he’d bought for his brother at sixteen and had delivered to the hill on the farm.

 

            The reminder of why he was here emanated from those little metal ornaments. Kaz’s resolve hardened to steel and sharp points. He needed to listen, just a little longer.

 

            This was for Da. For Jordie.

 

            Kaz could do it, for them. For them.

 

            “My husband… he never… he never forced me to consummate our marriage. Not once on those visits, and not on our wedding night. I found it kind, even if he was a man of little words in Kerch and even less smiles. He didn’t particularly have friends in town, being a foreigner and making no effort when he was on this side of the sea. Which worked out well for me.” Emilia turned her face to the mannequin in the corner, her eyes foggy.

 

            Kaz waited. He waited again. “If Ketterdam could see me and my patience now,” he thought bitterly as he reached for a sip of coffee.

 

            He didn’t want to reflect on the fact that he and Emilia had both slipped a spoonful of sugar into their mugs, no cream.

 

            Kaz did not want to see anything familiar when he looked at this stranger across from him. He didn’t want to notice their same coloring. He didn’t want to inspect their veins and cite the similarity between the color of their blood.

 

            Inej swirled a gentle circle onto the back of his hand.

 

            “Did you not find him companionable? In those early days, I mean. Clearly he did not show you his… violence then. Before you knew what he was, was there any hope for a happy union?” Inej spoke softly as she continued to rub his leg.

 

            Emilia’s throat worked over a swallow as she turned to Inej, eyes observant and watchful. Kaz saw surprise sputter in sparks behind her dark eyes, surprise that Inej had dared ask her this question. He was only grateful that Inej had nudged this stilted conversation along when words were once again beyond his reach, locked behind snapping maws of hound-like rage.

 

            “No. There was no hope for anything there.” Emilia said slowly, a finger tracing the rim of her coffee mug.

 

            Inej nodded thoughtfully.

 

            “Why?” Kaz rasped. One word he couldmanage.

 

            “Because I’d never find happiness hiding who I am, and marrying a man, that is exactly what was forced upon me.” Emilia looked at him, bold and level.

 

            “That’s what I meant when I claimed I was not the daughter my parents wanted.” Emilia continued. “They were bigoted, raised by hatred that they sought to teach their own daughters. They could never love a daughter who chose a wife rather than a husband. More than that, they found shame in it. They could never respect a daughter with a feminine heart to give, who wanted one in return.” Emilia’s voice quivered.

 

            Kaz noticed how her hands folded in her lap, how her sharp brows turned down.

 

            It was as if she’d never come out and told anyone. While that was obviously not true, Kaz wondered how long it had been since she’d spoken openly about this facet of herself.

 

            It was as if she feared this would be when Kaz left. As if this, this would be Kaz’s last straw.

 

            His father had not raised him that way. His brother had not raised him that way. Hell, Ketterdam had not raised him that way.

 

            In fact, Kaz had not even realized hatred for same gendered coupling existed until he’d heard bigoted mercher’s talking about a gay colleague as Kaz generously relieved them of their wallets at twelve years old. It was not common in Lij, either, that hatred. That method of thinking, Kaz thought, had begun to die in Kerch long ago.

 

            Clearly, that hatred had left behind scattered seeds. His maternal grandparents, namely. All at once, Kaz was glad to have never met them.

           

            It was true, Kaz had a lot of rage toward this woman, but this admission did not add to it. Not at all. Kaz couldn’t care less. No, that wasn’t quite true either.

 

            Kaz… he cared only because he saw someone before him who had been ashamed of who they were, through no fault of their own. Kaz had never faced the same struggle, only ever falling in love with Inej, being attracted to women, but he’d faced something similar. He’d hated himself, before.

           

            He’d hated himself, and he’d had to admit things to Inej that felt like tearing apart his insides. His shame, his insecurity, his misdeeds.

 

            A voice inside Kaz forced his mouth open. Kaz hated this woman still, but it had nothing to do with her sexuality. It had nothing to do with whom she shared her body or heart or mind. Kaz hated her for… for leaving. For leaving when their family needed her.

 

            His family. Not theirs.

 

            “Fuck them, then.” Kaz whispered, his eyes settled onto Emilia’s. He wanted her to know… needed her to know, that he was not of that hateful mindset. He was not judgmental for those archaic reasons. His best friend, his brother really, loved a man who Kaz could only call a friend.

 

Jesper and Wylan were his family. Khalid and Rahul? Family, too.

 

            Nina and whomever she loved when Matthias forced her heart back to her through the veil of ice and death, because he would never stand for her to grieve an eternity? Family.

 

            “My thoughts exactly.” Emilia mumbled, clearly winded from both her confession and his only haltingly kind words toward her thus far.

 

            “Kaz?” Inej asked quietly. He turned his head, slowly lowering his gaze from his aunt. He focused on Inej.

 

            “Your grandparents were assholes.” Inej said lowly, startling a coarse chuckle from his mouth without his permission.

 

            Damn her for making him laugh, even a little bit, in Emilia’s presence.

 

            Fuck, he loved it when Inej cursed.

           

            Emilia dipped her head to refill her mug from the small coffee pot, her pale cheeks stretched in the smallest hint of a smile.

 

            Kaz didn’t want to know her smile. His mother’s smile.

           

            His face fell harshly, anger raining over his spine in a kiss of sparks.

 

            He was not here to welcome Emilia into his life. She was not welcome.

 

            “Continue.” Kaz said coldly.

 

            Emilia’s neck craned to the fire, where he too watched the flames.

 

            “I left because I fell in love with the wrong person. I left because she was married, to a man. So was I. I left because when my husband… when he found out….” Emilia’s breath skidded to a stop.

 

            Kaz could only wait so long.

 

            “You left because of a broken heart when my father buried your sister. How astonishingly selfish.” Kaz growled under his breath.

 

            He didn’t see it coming, the way Emilia stood abruptly from the table, the legs screeching harsh on the floor beneath.

 

            “I left because my husband threatened to fucking murder my lover. I left because he whispered into my ear, my sister’s body bloody before me in her birthing bed, that if I did not agree to leave with him in the morning, my newborn nephew would be dead before his mother’s body was cold. He threatened to murder you in front of your brother. Then Jordie in front of Bram. All because I loved another. All because I wasn’t smart enough to keep my heart to myself. All because… all because I betrayed a husband I never wanted.” Emilia’s voice was a frozen tipped whip against Kaz’s face, clear and smarting.

 

            “Forgive me, for being young and terrified and unarmed. Forgive me, nephew, for attempting to keep a family together even if it meant giving them up. If it meant… if it meant being pushed into a mattress face down and taken against my will that very same day my twin sister died. Forgive me, for never forgiving my own lack of strength.” Emilia spat, tears streaking down her chiseled face. Kaz heard Inej’s startled breathing beside him.

 

            “Leave.” Emilia said as she turned her back on him.

 

            Kaz’s jaw felt slack, like he’d been slapped across the face. He wanted to scream. He wanted to… he wanted to take his words back.

 

            “No.” Kaz uttered, shaking his head. Nothing made any sense. Nothing. He only knew he… he didn’t want to leave. Not like this.

 

            “Why didn’t you tell my father? He was not a weak man.” Kaz’s voice shook as he reached for his cane. He stood, ignoring his knee’s weak protest.

 

            “Tell my brother-in-law that his family was threatened on the same morning his world fell apart? Tell him he may not have a baby to clutch come the morning? Tell him while he cried for my sister, my best friend, that he needed to stand against a Zemeni merchant with a fortune and a thousand contacts and hired guns? Tell him he’d need to go into hiding from my husband’s rage and give up his home and livelihood on top of his wife? Tell him that Elena died for nothing if her son was lost? Tell him that I was the reason?” Emilia bellowed, turning to face him.

 

            “He could have helped!” Kaz snapped, voice booming. Kaz barely registered the way Inej flinched at his shout.

 

            Barely, but he did.

 

            It forced Kaz to back up, lean against the far wall of the cottage, eyes closed until he regained control of his voice and his rage filled body. He would never lift a hand to his current company, but his temper had flared through words, unhinged and thrashing.

 

            Struck like a tree by lightning, Kaz realized he did not want to say something he’d regret. How much he didn’t want to slap with forceful words. How badly he did not want to be that man, here.

 

            “My husband arrived in town the night before Elena went into labor. He wasn’t supposed to be coming back. I was in bed with her, in our apartment when he came in. It was the first glimpse of his rage that I’d ever gotten. He let her leave, he didn’t let me leave. My husband wanted to leave for Noyvi Zem that night, but I begged and pleaded and promised to be a better wife, if he’d only let us stay long enough for me to meet my nephew and hold my sister’s hand through labor. He left me alone that night, only once slapping my face.

 

“He showed up at the farm the next morning after he’d stormed from the apartment. He ignored the way my skin was smarted, but I’d already told Bram and Elena. They knew the truth. Yet, I defended him. I told them he’d promised it wouldn’t happen again. I lied to them, to my sister and brother-in-law, because it was their day. Elena was going to be in more pain by the moment, and Jordan was scared and worried. I know Bram said something to my husband. I know he did, but he couldn’t focus on it, that day. Not while his wife was bringing their son into the world. I didn’t know it would be my last day in Kerch. I had no idea that come that evening, my husband would… he would take everything from me, even if I’d already lost Elena.” Emilia didn’t slow down, not once as tears whipped down her face. She cried, but she did so through a fierce glare.

 

A glare Kaz recognized. He’d seen it in his reflection.

 

He couldn’t speak. Couldn’t move his eyes from his aunt’s face. He couldn’t breathe. Kaz Brekker was lost, and in his place, Kaz Rietveld stood.

 

A boy, horrified and angry, but less determined to hate.

 

“The last thing I did that day was tell Bram I would come back. I told him I was sorry. I kissed Jordan in his bed, I left marigolds on my sister’s body, covered by sheets. I kissed you, Kaz. I thought I’d go with him… I thought… I thought he was only enraged. I still convinced myself that I could prove I was a loyal wife, maybe even try to reason with him… I thought I would come back in a year at most. I thought…” Emilia’s voice cracked as she backed into the wall beside the hearth, chest constricting in silent sobs.

 

Kaz knew a panic attack when he saw one.

 

Before Kaz could move, Inej was standing. Inej was walking. Emilia slid down the wall, arms wrapped tightly around herself, making no noise but gasping all the same. Her head was dipped to her knees, shoulders shaking.  

 

“He’s dead.” Inej whispered to his aunt as she knelt beside her. Kaz couldn’t move. Couldn’t make sense of the words spinning in his head. Like the rain against the roof, they pelted him. One after another, blows to everything he’d believed. Punches and jabs to ribs once fractured by plague.

 

“If he wasn’t dead, we’d kill him all over again.” Inej whispered, seeming to know just what to say to reach, but without touching.

 

It was like an out of body experience. Kaz saw himself, shaking and worn down, in those early days where the briefest brush of Inej’s skin could send him into a black whirlpool of flesh and cold water.

 

What dark place did Emilia occupy? A void of scratching silk like Inej? Caves of murky water like him?

 

Why did he want to reach into hell, to make this woman glare at him again?

 

“I killed him.” Emilia gasped as she looked up from her knees, cheeks flushed and tear stained.

 

Kaz met his aunt’s gaze, and nodded with a sharp shift of his chin. He breathed deeply once, the way Inej had done when he panicked. The way she still did, when that dark water clutched at his ankles.

 

To his surprise, Emilia copied him. Once. Twice. From across the room, he watched her back away from an invisible ledge.

 

Then, her words sunk in. She… Emilia killed her husband. An unknown feeling surged through Kaz. A hint of pride, a pinch of anger that he wouldn’t get the chance himself. Any other man may have been surprised.

 

Neither men that Kaz had been, Rietveld nor Brekker, shared that surprise.

 

“How?” Kaz rasped.

 

Emilia’s eyes widened, startled and glossed.

 

It was Kaz’s turn to admit something, in this oppressive silence. He did not balk from murder. Especially for those deserving. Neither did his fiancé, who watched him with a thoughtful expression and hands loosely folded on her knees, only feet from his aunt on the floor. Inej only looked pleased to hear Emilia’s confession; Kaz couldn’t blame her.

 

“I hit him in the back of his head with a hatchet for firewood.” Emilia stared at him.

 

“Did you bury him?” Kaz asked next.

 

“No.” Emilia whispered.

 

“Burn him?” Inej offered, voice low and steady.

 

“No.” Emilia glanced between the two of them.

 

“I chopped him into pieces and packed him in a single trunk. I dropped random pieces regularly over the rail of the ship I took from Noyvi Zem back to Kerch, seven years ago.” Emilia admitted, voice stronger than only a moment before.

 

Kaz hummed as he finally forced his feet to move. He took only a few steps before he sank himself to the ground slowly and bracing his knee, across from both women.

 

For a few long moments, the three of them sat there in the flame gilded quiet, listening to the patter of the rain and the crackle of logs.

 

Kaz crossed his poor knee over his good, shrugged off his coat into a pile on the ground. Inej swirled the ring around her finger. Emilia sat straight backed against the wall, ivory skin ghostly against her pale robes. Kaz saw some of her spirit return with each inhale she took.

 

He recalled a memory in a gorge, drowning under Djel’s holy water. The memories that had stricken him, the regrets of things he’d not yet had the courage to voice to Inej.

 

If Kaz were to drown now, his life flittering by in luminous flashes, he knew that this moment would be one of them. It was up to Kaz, now, whether it would be like the memory of Inej in the window sill, captivating and brilliant, or like the stunted realization that he’d never thanked her. Thanked her for his hat, her company, or her faith. Faith in him, when he’d not yet earned it.

 

What did Kaz, the man he was now, choose? He was no longer the boy who had left the farm, heart in tears but clinging together. He was also not the creature climbing from the Harbor, bent and twisted.

 

He was not the fourteen-year-old that had robbed a bank at the price of his leg, solely because the institution had dared fund Jakob Hertzoon. He wasn’t the young scowling thing Inej had first met, either.

 

It was true, Kaz was still Kaz, as he’d always been. He had harshness and bleak thoughts to last anyone a lifetime. He had a mind for theft and wicked sorts of schemes. He still clung tightly to his dear love of kruge. None of that was anything he wished to change about himself.

 

It was also true, that Kaz was different, now. He had learned something, the way all do with age. Kaz had learned to covet life above his brother’s death. He’d schemed his way into something of a man, no less feared, but perhaps more respected. Respected by Inej, Jesper, his crows. The Dregs.

 

Kaz sat here, a man before a future. Kaz had that now. A future he could continue to choose. A woman who loved him, for everything he was. A brother he loved as he would have loved Jordie. As he still loved Jordie. An empire he ruled not in the absence of darkness, but safely within its limits. An empire twisted and coal crusted, but not without reason behind its villainy.

 

Did he continue, as he thought he always would, leaving the bones of Rietveld buried out on the hill? Or did he grab the shovel and help Emilia up the rocky slope of a grave he hadn’t known he’d dug, just for her, the moment he’d seen her?

 

“Do you have anything stronger than coffee?” Kaz sighed as he ran a gloved hand through his hair.

 

The words he managed to grasp were a hammer to fortress walls. A choice being made, within the privacy of his water stained chest cavity.

 

His aunt stared at him. His lips began to twitch without his consent. Hers did, too.

 

“I’m fairly certain whiskey was not what your parents would have wanted me to offer you on our first meeting.” Emilia said shakily, lips in a tentative smile as she reached toward a cabinet beside the hearth, producing a long necked bottle filled with sparkling amber. “Then again, I do suppose I just confessed to murder and neither of you looked all that put off by it.”

 

At that, Kaz laughed. It was coarse and rough, but no longer wary.

 

 

 

 

 

 

EMILIA

 

            He smiled.

 

            Elena, Bram, I did it. I found your boy.

 

Notes:

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DO YOU LOVE HER AS MUCH AS I DO???

Chapter 135: Between The Threads

Summary:

A new day.

Notes:

Chapter 135!!!

Hi everyone!!! I'm here finally! Hope the wait was worth it at least because this is a longer one, about 6.5k. It's a bit of a filler but it was portions that needed to happen, and I still hope you love it! <33

Thank you eternally for both your support and your patience with me <3 I appreciate every single one of you more than I could ever possibly convey.

Please let me know what you think??? AHHH <333

"On Your Way Home" by Patrick Droney (mostly the vibe <3)

KAZ

 

            Emilia was pouring whiskey.

 

            Inej was watching him with the face she wore whenever he presented to her a scheme missing pieces. She was trying to figure out his plans from across the room.

 

            Little did his Wraith know, Kaz was free falling. He had no plan. He had no scheme or target, nothing left but the smallest ember in his chest of unbidden hope that he was not making a mistake in sitting here with an aunt he’d never known existed.

 

            “For you, Inej?” Emilia inquired from her standing position as the table, small glasses in a neat row before her.

 

            “Actually, I think I will indulge. Thank you.” Inej muttered with a simple sort of smile. Polite, yet tight on the corners of her mouth.

 

            When Emilia turned her back to reach for another glass, Inej’s eyes narrowed on him, not unkindly. He saw her questions, her surprise. Kaz knew she hadn’t expected him to stay. To want to continue… whatever this gathering could be labeled as. Not dinner. Not quite coffee. Not a family reunion… No,definitely not that.

 

            “I’m okay.” Kaz mouthed to her, though he knew he needn’t do it. Yet he found himself wanting to assure Inej that this… this was a choice he’d weighed inside him. A choice he’d made when Emilia had fallen to the floor in the same manner he’d seen not only himself fall, but Inej.

 

            Inej nodded slowly, her braid beginning to uncoil on the side of her head. He saw the broken leather strip laying in a pile beside her feet. She always used those wraps to the point of fraying and snapping.

 

            Kaz began to reach to his wrist for a spare he had kept for her, only to be stopped in his tracks.

 

            “For your hair. It’s silk, a scrap I had from a recent design.” Emilia mumbled as she came to sit back on the ground beside the wall, glasses in tow. Emilia dropped an emerald ribbon of silk into Inej’s lap on her way.

 

            “This is real silk.” Inej gaped. She would know, Kaz thought.

 

            “Yes. I imported it to Kerch a year or two ago from the markets in Os Kervo. I had to travel to Belendt to retrieve it from a post station larger than what we have in town.” Emilia answered as she pushed a drink toward Kaz, the whiskey wobbling against the glass as it traveled the floor boards.

 

            “A design? You said a design, just now.” Inej asked as she once again tied off her braid, making a simple bow with the silk. It suited her, Kaz thought. Less practical than the leather she wore day to day, but the emerald was striking against Inej’s onyx tresses. He momentarily distracted himself with the idea of running his thumb over the material, only to undo the plaits entirely.

 

            “Oh. Yes, I did, didn’t I?” Emilia’s pale cheeks flooded with pink as she took a single swig of amber. Kaz was not far behind her as he lifted his own glass. He found himself listening intently, less afraid of what he might glean than an hour prior.

 

Somehow, he felt… calm. Not relaxed, but more like himself. Less rattled, more in control. The burn of spirits helped, as did the fire warming his bad leg after the previous ride in the rain.

 

            “I’m… you may have noticed, in town… The seamstress and dress shop right off the main road, on the direction toward the Rietveld farms, and even this property? It’s mine.” Emilia answered, eyes focused mostly on her glass rather than himself or Inej.

 

            “You… You own a shop?” Inej asked, surprise drenching her wide eyes.

 

            “Yes. I spent the first five years back on Kerch soil working in the apothecary and for the old tailors, just to save enough to buy it out. It’s what I’ve always wanted to do. Design, I mean.” Emilia answered, only pausing for another sip of her drink.

 

            “You have good taste if you use silk, coming from a suli woman.” Inej grinned as her fingers toyed with the loose bow at the end of her braid. Emilia smiled softly in thanks.

 

            “You’re from Ravka, then? Pardon, I know that is quite blunt, but I couldn’t entirely place your accent. It’s suli, most definitely, but your Kerch is excellent.” Emilia countered.

 

            Kaz watched as Inej’s fingers stilled for only a moment on the silk bow. He knew what this question reminded Inej of. How she’d never chosen Kerch as a home. Never had any choice in the matter. He resisted the very real sensation of protectiveness that wrapped his shoulders, an urge to coil himself in front of Inej, a snake ready to strike despite the innocence of the question.

 

            “I’m from Ravka, originally. I’ve lived in Ketterdam since I was fourteen.” Inej answered, offering the barest truth.

 

            “Then I presume that’s where you two met each other?” Emilia asked softly. Kaz nodded so Inej didn’t have to. He supposed now was as good as any time to admit to Ketterdam being his residence.

 

            “We met when I was fourteen, almost fifteen. Just later that year. Kaz was fifteen, nearing sixteen.” Inej answered quietly. Kaz noticed how one of her hands traced the spot on her wrist, where the feather had once been inked into her skin. The mark of the House of Exotics.

 

            Fuck Tante Heleen. A day didn’t pass where Kaz didn’t have the thought at least once.

 

            “May I ask what you do for work, is that too personal?” Emilia looked at Kaz now, her features laced in tentative kindness. Her tone suggested it was not intended as sarcasm, she would not push him if he answered that yes, it was too personal.

           

            How did Kaz answer that?

 

            I actually run a gang of criminals. I’m their leader born in a shroud of black.

 

            I’m a murderer, quite the lucrative employ.

 

            I’m a thief, also quite lucrative if you pluck the right feathers on the right pigeons.

 

            “I own a gambling house in Ketterdam.” He answered roughly, lips thinned. It was the truth. It was a lie by way of omission.

 

            Kaz registered Inej’s raised brow as she shielded her face with a sip of her own drink. He also noticed how she cringed at the strength of the liquid. He nearly smirked. He didn’t think he’d ever fully convert his girl from her drink of choice: sweet kvas.

 

            “You own your own business?” Emilia smiled at him, brazen and unabashed.

 

He wanted to kick himself, and he wasn’t entirely sure why. He did own his own business. He did do that. Why did it feel wrong to accept the smile, anyhow? Shouldn’t he claim praise? Isn’t that what normal people did when someone complimented their achievement?

 

“He owns two, actually.” Inej smiled as his glare flicked to her. She continued, her lips still curled with mischief. “He bought a space for a restaurant that is going to serve suli cuisine. The first of its kind in Ketterdam, perhaps all of Kerch.”

 

“That’s incredible.” Emilia leaned forward slightly, her high cheek bones so much like his own were gold crested in the fire light.

 

“Especially for so young.” Emilia continued, a flicker of sadness erupted in her eyes before she turned her face back to the flames. Kaz didn’t know whether it was for herself, or for time lost. He didn’t know what to make of either answer.

 

“Has your shop opened yet?” Kaz found himself asking, partially to change the subject, partially because he was curious. He didn’t know why. Why was he interested, genuinely? Why did… why did he care?

 

He’d never see Emilia again.

 

Why did that simple thought feel like the tightening of a bulb in a fixture within him, the glass too tight and close to shattering? The screws felt stripped raw.

 

“Yes, we just opened in the autumn. I have an apprentice named Liam, he’s got an eye for sewing.” Emilia grinned gently.

 

A memory fought to surface in Kaz’s mind. A boy named Liam, a mop of brown curls and a farm kid, like himself and Jordie. Two years younger than Kaz, he remembered. Liam used to come to the farm with his father to trade strawberries for apples and fresh milk from the cows. Occasionally, Lilly’s mother had also taught him lessons.

 

“Liam Lansen?” Kaz rasped in question.

 

“Yes, the very same. I didn’t know you knew him.” Emilia stilled, brows raised.

 

“When I was young.” Kaz shrugged, pulling a coin from his pocket. He didn’t even recognize Emilia’s wide-eyed stare as he began to bump the metal over his knuckles, even through his gloves. He needed something to do. Something… normal.

 

“I’m not the only one who didn’t forget you in this town.” Emilia muttered softly, gaze transfixed on Kaz’s steady movement. Kaz’s coin stilled.

 

“What type of designs do you do?” Inej cleared her throat, once again saving Kaz from having to face more than he could handle in one sitting. He didn’t know how she did it, time and time again, but Kaz would never stop being grateful for her ability to read his body alone.

 

“Gowns, amongst the spattering of other things.” Emilia smiled at Inej, flicking a lock of dark hair over her shoulder.

 

“Other things?” Inej asked.

 

“You hardly expect me to admit the scandal of some of my best designs in front of my nephew whom I’ve barely acquainted myself with, do you?” Emilia asked, voice low and laced between beaming lips.

 

Inej’s paused for a moment. Then, her cheeks flushed as she choked on a little giggle, eyes locked with his aunt’s.

 

Kaz thought he missed something. He didn’t understand the joke as the two women smiled tentatively at each other.

 

Just then, a whinny of a horse broke through the curtain of rain against the windows and roof. A roll of thunder sounded sharply above the small cottage.

 

“Ally!” Inej gasped, concern raining on her smile.

 

“She must have spooked, we should get her back to the stables, she’s sat for over a bell under that tree.” Kaz muttered as he reached for his cane, standing stiffly. His leg already missed the warmth of the fire as he shrugged his coat on.

 

Inej was already standing, too. Emilia beside her, wringing her hands awkwardly. Kaz noticed Inej’s coat still draped over the chair at the table and reached for it.

 

As he held it open for Inej to shrug into, Kaz felt a weight sink in his gut. This… this was it.

 

That’s how it had to be. Right?

 

“No,” Jordie’s breath brushed his ear for the first time in forever, but it did not sound choked. It didn’t send his skin crawling. The tone was clear and patient, gentle and firm.

 

Then, Kaz realized. It wasn’t his brother’s voice.

 

It was his own.

 

 

INEJ

 

            Inej followed Kaz out the cottage door, mind reeling. Emilia. How had she… what she’d been through… It was awful. It was a unique agony that Inej herself recalled with all the fondness of a nightmare.

 

            Inej couldn’t help the strings that slithered from her own heart to Emilia’s, a kinship that she’d never wish to have, but had been forged none the less.

 

            The sky was a kaleidoscope of grays and blacks, no moon or stars greeted them on the porch. Inej’s eyes continued to flicker to Kaz and his carefully neutral features.

 

Only she could glimpse the storm beneath his skin, matching the heavens above. There was the sharp edge to his jaw where a small muscle twitched, the lock of hair that fell as he ran gloves through his tresses for the umpteenth time. His eyes caught hers once before he turned to Emilia, once again haloed within the door frame to her small home.

 

            “Thank you for the drinks, and the shelter.” Inej dipped her chin, recalling once again the manners Mama had drilled into her as a girl. Inej also hoped the words could prove an ease in the tension hanging between aunt and nephew, both standing straight backed and uneasy.

 

            “Of course.” Emilia nodded, dark eyes flashing once to Inej before settling once again on Kaz. He did not speak, he simply stared.

 

            Rain burst forth with a new rapid beat against the porch awning.

 

            “Will I see you again?” Emilia asked, chin high. Inej could only admire the bravery, the unkempt vulnerability she displayed with grace. Emilia wanted to see her nephew again. Inej could see it in her eyes, irises as deep as Kaz’s.

 

            Those bottomless eyes were oceans in storms, Inej thought. Where the water ceased to be blue and instead faded into swirling ink dripped from angry Saints’ quills.

 

            Kaz’s throat bobbed in a swallow, leather creaked as his knuckles clenched over the head of his cane.

 

            “I need a jacket tailored.” Kaz replied after a long moment, voice little more than a rasp of smoke. Inej almost laughed. His jackets already fit him too perfectly, she couldn’t imagine the flaw he’d found. Not to mention his clothes were altered by one of the best tailors in Ketterdam.

 

            Inej knew an excuse when she saw one. She’d seen Kaz make them with her, once. A memory of a cup of tea on the deck of a ship came to mind, only days after she’d been stabbed. It was a memory of when he’d asked if she could make a climb, six stories in the dark.

 

An excuse he’d made, just to speak to her. He hadn’t known she’d seen through him. It was also the first time she’d learned of Jordie.

 

            This, Inej realized, was a start. For Kaz, it was a step. A risk.

 

            “You need two jackets tailored, unless you speak of the one you wear now.” Emilia’s eyes landed on Kaz’s blazer before her lips curled into a soft grin.

 

            Kaz’s eyebrows rose to his hairline.

 

            “That was rude.” He said, though Inej caught the glitter of amusement in his eyes.

 

            “I’m also correct.” Emilia chuckled softly, Ally whinnied again from the darkness at the side of the porch. Inej would be sure to give the girl two apples when they reached the farm.

 

            “Noon, tomorrow. Come by my shop.” Emilia continued as she glanced at the sky darkening even further over the orchards beyond the porch. “And please be careful on your way home.” She added quietly, a light pink rose blooming on her cheekbones.

 

            Kaz scoffed, but nodded curtly all the same.

 

            Inej wondered if Kaz had ever been told to be careful by anyone besides herself or maybe Jesper.

 

            “Tomorrow then.” Inej smiled as Kaz already turned and began navigating the grasses to Ally’s tree.

 

            Never one for goodbyes.

 

            Emilia lingered in the door, eyes falling to Inej.

 

            “Tell him to bring his shirts, too. I noticed a frayed stitch on his collar.” Emilia smiled conspiratorially to Inej.

 

            “You truly must despise me, Emilia.” Inej chuckled as the door clicked shut, already deciding to grab Kaz’s shirts herself in the morning, whether her fiancé liked it or not.

 

            Inej would grant the woman this kindness, being able to do something small for a boy she’d once loved. For a man Inej thought could love her in return, given time.

 

            She wouldn’t say it aloud. This private hope was too fragile yet for noise, a wine glass in an opera house.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            The ride back to the Rietveld farm was miserable. Wet. Kaz had been silent save his soft encouragements to Ally through the downpour.

 

            Shivering, they finally opened the door to the farmhouse, Ally had been safely deposited under a blanket in the barn with a fresh bale of hay and twoapples.

 

            Inej glanced at Kaz as he locked the door behind them, already striking a match to light the lantern set on top the sheet-covered piano.

 

            Inej lost her battle with her restrained laughter, even as she shivered.

 

            Kaz raised a brow, and it only made it funnier. His hair… it was awful. Pointing in directions she hadn’t known capable, other pieces matted to his scalp with rain water. She probably looked worse, and the thought made her laugh harder.

 

            “Your hair.” Inej choked on a smile as his lips slowly began to move into a smirk, he was watching her holding her gut and gasping for air. His grin grew wider.

 

            “I’m sure I look entirely put together, Wraith.” Kaz quipped. She couldn’t stop giggling as she stepped closer to him on her tiptoes and reached up to try and flatten his unruly hair. She didn’t let her damp hands brush his skin.

 

            “Oh yes, I dare you to hold a parlay with the Blacktips, just like this. They’ll certainly remember how… put togetheryou look.” Inej chuckled as his strands refused to cooperate. She hardly noticed the way his eyes bore into her, his cheek displaying a deep dimple.

 

            “Don’t start daring me to do things, Inej.” He whispered, tone huskier than expected. She swallowed her laughter when her eyes latched onto his. Her feet landed back flat on the floor.

 

            Kaz swallowed as his eyes landed on her lips, she knew why he was hesitant. He’d kissed her wet in the rain once, but it had been fueled by adrenaline. If they’d been dry, Inej thought her back might have been against the wall by now, her hips held in his hands.

 

            Her toes curled in wet socks, souring everything lustful in a single moment. Her face must have shown discomfort because Kaz was chuckling softly as he limped around her to the fireplace, already stacking fresh logs in the hearth.

 

            Inej didn’t know what to make of all that had transpired this stormy evening. She didn’t know how to reconcile what Emilia had told them, nor how to navigate the fresh river of hope flowing from her spirit.

 

            Inej had already decided she liked Emilia.

 

            She didn’t know if Kaz had drawn the same conclusion, but something in her whispered that he had, despite his best efforts not to.

 

            “I’ll throw together something to eat, mera nadra.” Kaz mumbled as he stoked the fire in the hearth. “I can hear your teeth clattering from here, get warm.”

 

            Inej only mustered a soft smile as he passed her on his way to the kitchen, still dripping wet. As she crossed the room to warm her hands, an idea nestled in her chest. She grinned.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

            The day was painted in splashes of blue and gold as Kaz hitched Ally to the cart the next morning. Inej watched from her seat on a tree stump beside the barn. Sankt Valentin was lounging in a sun patch beside her, belly up for petting.

 

            The night before, she and Kaz had shared a quiet and comfortable meal before Kaz had thoroughly surprised her. He’d fallen asleep early, his head on her knee as she’d run her fingers through his silken hair. She’d not managed to ask him how he felt about the conversations with Emilia, but once she’d roused him to move under the blankets, he’d said only a couple of words.

 

            “Thank you for not asking, ‘Nej.” 

 

            “I love you.” She’d responded, even as his breathing had already turned deep and even once more.

 

            Today, Inej knew he’d been up with the sun. She’d found him sitting on the porch a bell ago, ledgers and documents strewn about as he wrote notes on parchment. Inej had resisted the urge to ask how his plan was coming for the infiltration of Kane De Vries island fortress.

 

            Fear had begun to needle Inej, the closer they came to the middle of the week. They only had five or six days until they’d need return to Ketterdam. Until she’d sail once more, this mission more important, and more dangerous, than all the rest. Inej didn’t want to examine it too closely. She didn’t want to give up the precious moments she had here, with Kaz. With the wide open sky and green grasses.

 

Her time with peace; a friend she’d only made in recent years, and never seemed to get enough time with.

 

Inej tugged at the small satchel she’d slung over her shoulder, containing two of Kaz’s shirts she’d nabbed when he wasn’t looking and also one of her own with a hole in the hem. She hoped Emilia wouldn’t mind, Inej was not great with stitching, but she’d fix it herself if need be.

 

She rather liked the idea of Emilia doing it instead, a professional. A… friend.

 

“Kaz?” Inej called as he walked Ally and the cart to the path before the house, his eyes focused on the windows of the second floor. She wondered when he’d want to brave those steps. Inej would not push, despite her curiosity. For two days, they’d stayed in a home that Inej hadn’t seen all of. Of course she wanted to complete the picture.

 

She silenced the treacherous thought that she may never come back here. May never have another chance to complete that picture. Never be able to come back, after this voyage.

 

No. She would live. They would live.

 

            Kaz paused before answering with some noncommittal noise over his shoulder. His jacket was tossed over the cart, but today he’d worn his best vest. The black one with rich embroidery of black velvet, onyx overlaying obsidian. A pattern of slightly different shades that one could only discern if they were able to get within feet of him. Inej was the only one who knew exactly how that vest felt under her hands, how the chest beneath it was carved of sun warmed stone. Against his shirt, his black satin tie was straight and pressed tight.

 

            She averted her eyes from his trousers that made her wish for privacy and candlelight. Inwardly, Kaz’s ass was something she vowed to look at more often. Her cheeks flamed.

 

            Kaz had dressed up. To anyone else, this was his standard, black suit and crisp lines. Though for Inej, she noticed the subtlety in which he’d amended his chosen armor for the day.

 

            His time piece normally remained within his pocket, chain tucked away. Today, he displayed the gold trappings against the black of his vest. His black boots that had been slightly buffed and grimed with mud the night before now shined softly when he walked, despite the dust that kicked up on the dirt drive as he tested Ally’s tack and latching to the cart.

 

            Inej wondered if Kaz had inherited something of Emilia, despite never knowing her or her mannerisms. Emilia seemed to take great pride in her appearance, even the night before. The woman had been in a robe and yet Inej didn’t think she could summon a teaspoon of Kaz’s aunt’s grace even in a traditional lehenga and ceremonial jewels.

 

            Kaz had dressed to… make a statement. This too, despite common belief, was not the normal. Inej did believe that once there had been a time when Kaz had dressed pristinely to mock the merchants of Ketterdam, but she knew he’d long taken to finery as his own style and preference. Inej couldn’t help but adore it, for what women would not appreciate a well-dressed man?

 

            Saints, I sound like Nina. Inej sighed internally.

 

            “You called for me and now you are staring as if I have either a large stain on my person, or I have seemingly materialized into a fresh plate of sweet pan bread.” Kaz smirked as he leaned against the cart, watching her intently.

 

            Oh. She had called for him.

 

            “Closer to the second one.” Inej let her gaze trace each part of him as he rolled his eyes.

 

            “Don’t flirt with me, Inej. Or we are going to go back inside and I’ll send word to Emilia that you hate dresses and simply could not bear to be in the presence of one.” Kaz jested.

 

            “You do that, Kaz, and I promise I will wear one of your suits to our wedding, and it will not be tailored.” Inej retorted, watching as a frown of mock dismay fell onto his face.

 

            “In our marriage Inej, we will not be mocking the art of well fitted clothing.” Kaz said sternly, his lips double-crossing him with a smile.

 

            “Oh yes, Fashion Houses we worship but not the Saints?” Inej huffed a laugh as she stood, glancing down at her own ensemble.

 

            She already regretted her choice to wear leggings, but she had nothing else stowed in her travel bags. She’d packed more knives than clothing, a very Ketterdam way of thought.

 

            Her shirt though, at least that she was happier with. She’d worn a light cotton button down, amethyst in color. A shirt she’d bought on a whim on one particular stop she’d made in port over in Noyvi Zem. She had also slipped in her nose ring. She felt like herself, and Inej supposed that was her own statement. The best kind; that she was confident.

 

            “Correct for me, but I know I shall never part you from your faith, darling. Nor would I want to.” Kaz rasped, his tone both playful and sincere.

 

            Inej smiled privately as Kaz adjusted his cane into the front of the cart. Once again, Inej was pleasantly surprised, yet still wary. Kaz’s spirits seemed light, which she had not really expected.

 

            Though, what was the proper mood for going to a long lost relative’s clothing shop after only becoming acquainted the night before? Inej had no idea. For once, Inej could not discern Kaz’s thoughts behind his eyes. She couldn’t tell if he was perhaps wearing armor invisible to even her, or if he had decided that he truly wished to give Emilia a chance.

 

            A chance at what? Inej had no idea. Kaz had not uttered his new name to his aunt, nor anything of the Dregs. He had also not even begun to bridge the story that had been his life, and by connection, theirlife.

 

            As Inej climbed onto the driver’s bench beside Kaz, her mind began to spin. He snapped the reins and Ally set off along the road, dust clouds swirling behind them.

 

            Would Emilia ask how Jordie had died? How would Kaz react?

 

            Would Kaz tell Emilia of his life, or was this a prolonged goodbye?

 

            Would they see Emilia again, or would she fade into the woodwork after this single sunny afternoon? Is that what Kaz wanted?

 

            Did… Did Emilia truly want to be involved in Kaz’s life, or simply find him, a debt paid to a sister and a friend? What if Kaz decided he would allow her a space in his life, and she disappointed him?

 

            Inej ignored the rush of primal protective instincts in her veins at the very notion.

 

            “I know you are worrying.” Kaz mumbled as they passed a thousand stalks of golden wheat shimmering under the midday sun. Inej wished more than anything to simply be excited to return to Lij proper, to see something more of the town in which Kaz had grown. A part of her still was, another part was outright concerned.

 

            From the corner of his eye, Kaz glanced at her.

 

            “I’m not.” Inej lied, not even remotely sounding convincing to even her own ears.

 

            “Tell me, Inej. Let me accept or refute your worries so you don’t leave teeth scars on your lip.” Kaz’s eyes flicked to Inej’s lower lip, which she realized was indeed between her teeth. He faced forward once more.

 

            “Do you like her?” Inej blurted, all sense of tact or stealth lost in the space of a breath. She hadn’t realized how much she’d held her tongue, how desperately she’d needed to release even a fraction of her questions to Kaz.

 

            Inej had grown to accept the comfort of letting her words flow to Kaz, every day. Normally, she’d have given him her every thought. If her worries had been about her crew, he’d know. Her family? He’d know. The ship? He’d know.

 

            Inej had bottled her own worries in hopes to tread lightly in Emilia’s devastating reappearance. Or first appearance, she supposed, for Kaz.

 

            “I don’t dislike her.” Kaz said after a long moment. “Which is not… not what I had expected.”

 

            Inej leaned back in the bench, eyes on the grove of oak trees in the distance. His confession was incomplete, Inej could feel it. She waited for Kaz to come to her, to meet her in the middle.

 

            “I don’t know what I’m doing, Inej. Years ago? I would have cast any thought of her away without a second’s hesitation. Hell, a year ago I might of.”

 

            “You don’t want to, now, though.” Inej nodded thoughtfully.

 

            “I haven’t decided yet.” Kaz admitted over a deep sigh. Inej took in the hint of plum under his eyes, his set jaw. Stress was evident in her avri’s face. A different sort of stress from his usual sort in the Barrel. These nerves were raw, stinging.

 

            This confession cost him something, even just to Inej. She found herself scooting closer to Kaz on the bench. To her surprise, Kaz shifted Ally’s reins to one hand to welcome her under his right arm. She didn’t hesitate to lean into him, inhaling his warm scent, the hint of cologne she hadn’t expected.

 

            His hand traced patterns on her shoulder mindlessly, Inej wondered if he even realized he did it. She didn’t want him to stop. She wondered if Kaz had wanted her near, sooner.

 

            For long minutes, they continued on in silence, save for the pound of Ally’s hooves on the earth and the whisper of wheat beside them.

 

            “What did you think of her?” Kaz asked, his voice barely a whisper.

 

            “I think she went through something horrible. I think… I think the Saints act for a reason, Kaz.” Inej answered honestly, without hesitation. “I believe some things are designed to happen, against all odds and reason.”

 

            Kaz didn’t answer, instead, Inej felt the press of his lips on the crown of her head. He did not quip about her faith, nor did he refute her answer. She pressed closer into him, willing comfort to flow beneath his threads and seams into his chest.

 

            Later, as they crossed from dirt road to cobbled street in the colorful corner of the world known as Lij, Kaz whispered.

 

 

            “For once, I hope you’re right about your Saints.”

 

 

KAZ

 

            After securing Ally and the cart in the public stables, Kaz reached for Inej’s hand as they maneuvered the main street of Lij.

 

            Everything was still as he remembered, mostly. Despite that they’d been here only days ago, Kaz hadn’t allowed himself much time to truly look. They’d been on a mission for supplies and Kaz hadn’t felt… he hadn’t wanted to take in every detail. He had not been ready to. Now, after facing the farm, Lij felt easier. Livelier.

 

            Down on the corner, the tiny booksellers still stood, old red bricks standing out against the wood crafted buildings beside it. ‘Pages Plenty’, the antiquated iron sign read, swinging on hinges in the breeze above the door. That shop had been Jordie’s favorite place in the world besides the farm, he’d told Kaz so when he’d been only nine and Kaz five.

 

            “Can we go to the book shop before we leave town?” Inej mused, coincidentally reading his mind like the day’s post. He smiled inwardly.

 

            “I’d like to.” Kaz answered, surprised he meant it. Perhaps it was because that place… it was not a poor memory of his brother. It was only good, and had only ever been, good.

 

            Inej squeezed his hand as they rounded the corner, back the way they’d come with Ally into town. Kaz slowed as they neared Emilia’s shop, they stood just across the cobbled road from “Winstrad Creations & Fabrics”, as advertised by an ornate hand painted sign made of light birch. Kaz wondered then, if Winstrad was his mother’s maiden name. It hadn’t occurred to him to ask whether Emilia had kept her asshole husbands name.

 

            May he rot in hell, Kaz thought bitterly.

 

            He supposed it must be the first option, though. Winstrad was most definitely a Kerch name rather than of Zemeni origin as Emilia had said her husband had been. Inej tilted her head to take in the wide windows on the front of the shop, behind the glass panes Kaz saw lace. A wedding gown, he presumed by the white. Next to the display, an emerald door awaited them.

 

            Inej squeezed his hand.

 

            Kaz wondered what he was doing, for the fiftieth time since he’d opened his eyes in the dawning hours of day. Still, he could not find it within himself to genuinely want to leave.

 

            “I never tend to stand on this side of the street, but this new perspective has highlighted the fact that my sign is crooked.” A smooth voice rang from behind himself and Inej.

 

            Turning over his shoulder, Kaz saw Emilia in the light of day for the first time. He’d expected bustling skirts of Kerch fashion, tulle and something over the top.

 

            He wasn’t wrong. Yet, Kaz had never seen a woman dressed quite like Emilia. It was not quite the fashion of the century, nor was it old.

 

            His aunt stood before them in a crimson gown, a high neckline that clasped around her pale throat, a simple silhouette pendant hanging from a black ribbon adorned her collar bones. Emilia’s dark curls had been pinned atop her head, something elaborate that Kaz could not imagine taking the time to do, day in and day out.

           

            Not to mention the number of pins on one’s scalp. Didn’t it… itch?

 

            “Good afternoon.” Inej said first, her smile genuine and warm. If Kaz clutched Inej’s hand tighter, only they had to know.

 

            “Afternoon indeed.” Emilia dipped her head. Ruby painted lips, an exact match to her ensemble, parted in a smile.

 

            “Shall we?” Emilia gestured a hand toward the shop, she wore gloves to her elbows, just below the ends of lace dipped sleeves.

 

            “I think I’m the odd one out.” Inej frowned slightly as she looked back and forth between himself and Emilia.

 

            “No you don’t, you wear your beauty easily. I do not. Neither is lesser nor greater.” Emilia responded immediately, waving Inej off with a flick of a wrist.

 

            Kaz almost laughed. He didn’t know he was amused so easily. Inej flushed burnished red before she grinned.

 

            “Come, I’ll let us in.” Emilia waltzed across the near empty portion of the street, skirts billowing behind her. She did not wait for himself and Inej.

 

            “You are definitely related.” Inej mumbled with a smirk as she tugged him toward the shop. Kaz let her as he leaned into her strength once more.

 

            He could do this. He was Kaz Brekker. Or Rietveld. Either or. He could manage conversation.

 

            “Are you not open yet?” Kaz asked as they stopped behind Emilia. She dug a brass key out of a hidden pocket.

 

            “Closed for the day. Family emergency.” Emilia chuckled as she twisted the key.

 

            “Do not roll your eyes, I wanted a day off and space to work on the tailoring.” Emilia said, back still turned.

 

            Kaz had rolled his eyes. How the fuck did women in his life seem to do that? Inej and now her? No… Emilia was not part of anything, he corrected himself silently with a firm voice.

 

            “His eyes have to roll every so often or he forgets that he is not in fact annoyed all the time.” Inej added. Kaz narrowed his eyes on his fiancé.

 

            “You’re saying the scowl is not a permanent feature?” Emilia teased and Kaz huffed a breath as the two women laughed.

 

            His aunt was… teasing him? Kaz doubled down on his grimace.

 

            “No, believe it or not.” Inej giggled as Kaz glared at the back of Emilia’s head.

 

            “I can feel your glare, quite impressive.” Emilia swung an amused smirk at him over her shoulder as she pushed open the door to the shop.

 

            Roses. Kaz smelled roses immediately, sweet and airy.

 

            Emilia disappeared inside, but Inej lingered.

 

            “Are you alright?” Inej whispered, voice pitched low for only him to hear. Kaz noticed the squint of her eyes, the delicate downward turn to her lips.

 

            “I’m not so easily offended, mera nadra.” He whispered, leaning down to kiss her lips once for good measure. Twice because he desired it.

 

 He was. Kaz was alright.

 

            He supposed alright was about the only word that could fit him, now. He was not well. He was not unwell. He was… figuring it out.

 

            Kaz Brekker was spiraling through the air, falling without a back-up plan. There would be no impossible escape from this dress shop, nor from the woman who owned it.

 

            He’d either lost his touch or he’d grown. Kaz couldn’t be bothered to examine it when Inej’s lips parted in a soft sigh as he straightened. Her eyes smiled up at him, even if her mouth did not.

 

            “Are you coming or stalling?” Emilia’s voice called from somewhere beyond the door.

 

            “He’s stalling.” Inej answered, winking at him as she left him on the stoop. Kaz shook his head as he watched her stroll away.

 

            Kaz rolled his eyes, one last time for good measure, before he made to limp into the floral haze beyond.

 

            Just then, a tickle at the back of his neck made him turn his head before he crossed the threshold. Someone was watching him.

 

            Across the street, where he and Inej had stood only minutes ago, was a woman. Smooth auburn ringlets showered over her shoulders, brilliant against a navy hued dress.

 

            Right as Kaz’s eyes lifted to her face, the woman was walking, stomping really, away from the street. Away from him. She did not turn back. It was not the first time he’d seen her. Kaz had seen her the morning he and Inej had left Sadie’s Inn.

 

            His legs urged him to run after her.

 

His hands itched to say something, anything.

 

            Kaz couldn’t. He couldn’t do it.

 

            Emilia was enough. Kaz couldn’t… he didn’t know how to handle more. Not with Inej’s departure promised upon their return to Ketterdam. Not with who he was now.

 

            “I’m sorry, Jordie.” Kaz whispered as he turned away and marched into the shop, a renewed set of armor forged of self-preservation locking around the softest parts of his soul.

Notes:

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SO WHAT DO YA THINK??

Chapter 136: Elena & Bram

Summary:

An old love story.

Notes:

Chapter 136!!!!

AHHHH. HI GUYS. I've missed you so much this past week, seriously. Gosh, this one was hard to nail. It's dense and dialogue, but it's also a story within a story and it's just... gah I've wanted to write it for so long. Seriously. Goodness I cannot wait to get the next one out to you. I know this one is less kanji, but I promise there's a lot of them coming, too. Probably tomorrow, fingers crossed. <3 Anyways, it's been a pretty hard time life wise, and I just hope I got this one right anyways. I hope you love it as I do.

Thank you forever for being here, and for reading what I write. I just want you to know, even though I say it every time, how much you guys mean to me. Seriously, you mean the world. When everything feels like it's falling apart in my real life, you guys make it better. I can't thank you enough, but what I can do is say it every single time I can. Just know i mean it. I wish I could write each and every one of you a thank you note, but I'm pretty sure my hands would fall off because of how much I'd write in each one. <3 I read every comment and I'm sorry I can't always keep up, but just know I love you and you are so so so appreciated.<3 Every single day.

I'd love to hear from you guys on this one, it's actually pretty special for me. It took a lot of heart, and I want to know what you think. You guys fuel my little literary soul. <3

"I'll Be Seeing You" by Billie Holiday (This was my grandparents song. I know it's also been in a ton of movies, but it's honestly so special. It's Bram and Elena. It's them, guys. PLEASE listen. Seriously.)

INEJ

 

            Inej stood in a room bathed in buttery sunlight filtered through panes of pale gray eyelash lace. Velvety quartz-pink roses sat on a small entry table, overflowing a crystal vase. The budding blooms emitted the scent of spring across the entire shop.

 

It was a sanctuary of femininity. A monument to grace both old and new. Inej had never seen so much fabric. Not even in Jesper and Wylan’s shared closet that was nearly as large as the attic in the Slat.

 

Under Inej’s feet was a plush ribbon-like carpet on dark wood floors that led to the shop proper. There was a counter toward the back of the room and the center of the space was wide open, save a single round platform standing barely a foot above the ground. Behind the small rise, mirrors of every shape and size glittered. Some leaned and others hung on the wall, twinkling at angles and curves. Many panes were frameless; others were lined in gold painted filigree. A few were cracked and held in old painting frames.

 

It was like one of the trick houses in the carnivals that Inej had grown up performing at. None of those carnivals had ever dared to look quite this spectacular, though. Inej couldn’t stop her head from turning, from admiring. Lij clearly had pockets lined in surprise, for Inej never would have guessed this interior from the outside of Emilia’s little shop.

 

            Inej’s favorite mirror, however, was the tallest. It leaned against the center of the wall, an iron trim of carved roses and what Inej could only gather to be swirls representing the wind that swept metal petals all the way to the foot of the looking glass. This was also the mirror that held the clearest likeness of one very uncomfortable looking Kaz, who dutifully ignored his hundreds of reflections, each bearing the same small scowl.

 

            “This is incredible.” Inej said for the second time as she walked past the wall across from the mirrors, her hand passing through a hundred of different swaths of fabric that hung from velvet lined hooks in the ceiling above. In the corner of the room beside the counter, Inej spotted several mannequins that had been well-loved, some with half-finished gowns and pins that still jutted from their fabric lined flesh.

 

            “Thank you.” Emilia responded over the pin between her teeth as fetched a measuring tape from somewhere behind the oak countertop.

 

            “What’s behind the doors?” Inej asked as she swirled about the room, eyes landing on every color she could imagine. Soft looking chairs with seats of navy velvet, a dress half ivory half onyx. A painting of a woman’s silhouette in a Kerch style white wedding gown boasting hints of blue in the threading.

 

            “The one behind me is mine and Liam’s work room and storage. The ones behind you through the foyer are to the rest of my designs. A show room of sorts, I suppose.” Emilia smiled softly. Emilia scratched the back of her neck as she walked toward the front of the shop, digging in a chest of drawers Inej had not previously noticed. More roses sat above the antique chest, these petals a startling coral, a shock against the dark oak.

 

            Despite Inej’s dislike of gowns, her eyes were fixed on those double doors. Nina would have already given her life-savings to simply look at one of these dresses and their fine materials. Emilia was good, if this room and her own ensemble were any indication.

 

            Talent, Inej thought. That is all this place held. Sheer Saints-bestowed talent.

 

            From the corner of her eye, Inej caught Kaz tucking one glove away in his pocket. He reached out and touched a silver line of stitches that had caught his eye, hanging not from a dress or skirt, but from a jacket. A men’s jacket.

 

            “You design for men and women?” Inej asked, turning her head away from Kaz. She knew he hadn’t wanted to be noticed, and she let him have his privacy.

 

            “Occasionally. Though most of what you’ll see of men’s vests and jackets on display currently are Liam’s own creations, not that they sell all that much out here. In the city? They are quite popular.” Emilia answered absent mindedly as she plucked a ribbon of sorts from the top drawer, shifting contents aside.

 

            “You sell in the city?” Kaz rasped, both hands firmly covered in leather once more. Even Inej had missed his all too quick motion.

 

            Emilia turned to look at him, her hands smoothed an imaginary wrinkle from the front of her skirt. Inej noticed the faint trace of red that slid over the woman’s pale skin.

 

            “I’ve… I’ve got a certain following, now. When I first came back to Kerch, I went to the cities often. I sold my designs to shops while I was there, and some of those shops still carry a few of my creations, now. I also have some ladies who make the trip out here from Belendt or Ketterdam once or twice a year for fittings and a bulk purchase of a fresh wardrobe.” Emilia swallowed, eyes gazing past Kaz to the wall of mirrors.

 

            “Why were you in the cities often?” Kaz asked as he straightened his tie. Inej heard a slight note of unease in his words. Inej had already concocted an answer, and she suspected Kaz had done the same.

 

            “I was looking for any information on you or your brother. When I came back to Lij from Noyvi Zem, I was told your brother had said he was taking you to Ketterdam when he sold the farm. I searched the public records for the name Rietveld, old ship manifests, even lists of names at the Opera House or the library membership records…” Emilia paused, her eyelashes battled against tears Inej knew would not be allowed to fall. “I didn’t find anything. I wanted to stay in Lij, but I wanted to find you… I wanted to know you were…”

 

            “Alive.” Kaz supplied, his tone cold but not unkind. Emilia nodded, her head still turned away as her fingers twisted and untwisted knots into the limp measuring tape.

 

            “You were in Ketterdam, then.” Kaz said slowly, quietly. Inej had realized the same. How close had Emilia been to finding him? What if she’d found Kaz, while he’d still been under Per Haskell’s thumb? What if things could have been… different?

 

            “I was in Ketterdam many times. I stayed at that hotel… the big one?”

 

            “The Geldrenner.” Inej said softly, mouth parted in sincere shock.

 

            “You would have been twelve, when I finally made it back to Kerch.” Emilia mumbled, the sun still shining merrily on her profile from the wide window display.

 

Outside, life carried on. People walked and worked and laughed in the noon day sun. Here in these walls, a family was sweeping shards of broken hearts from their chest cavities, hoping they’d still be put to use somehow. Inej knew that feeling, knew that question and the haunting scars it left behind: What if?

 

What if Emilia had found Kaz during his twelfth year, even before he’d joined the Dregs?

 

What if Nani had used her sight, and Inej had never been stolen from her parent’s wagon, on a simple sunshine morning?

 

Inej knew, deep inside, that the Saints had a reason. Inej did not wish anything to change, no matter how deep her scars carved into her bones, how tight her demons had gripped to her wrists.

 

It didn’t matter. Still, that question would always haunt Inej. Would always haunt Kaz. Would always haunt Emilia, too.

 

“Then, a few years later, the groundskeeper of the Rietveld farm put a gravestone on the hill, with Jordan’s name. It was then that I realized it couldn’t have been a mistake, the farm had truly been bought back into the family.

 

“With Jordan’s grave, I dug up hope I’d thought I’d truly buried.” Emilia sniffled but still she stared out the window.

 

Kaz’s breath caught, audible to the room. Inej’s eyes darted to him, but his gaze was on the woman reflected in the window, his aunt.

 

“It’s a terrible thing to say. I’d wanted to find you and your brother alive and well. But I thought… well, maybe I could find one. I’m only one, too, after all.” Emilia shook her head gently, black coiffed curls bouncing with the movement.

 

For a moment, Inej felt like the gowns on the walls, still and airless.  

 

“It’s the truth. Someone once told me it is better to hear terrible truths, rather than kind lies.” Kaz replied, his tone edging on a line Inej had rarely heard him cross except with her, and maybe Jesper or Nina and Wylan. The barrier of gentle. Kind.

 

“That’s sound advice.” Emilia nodded slowly.

 

Inej was staring at Kaz, his well pressed lines and hidden softness. Her throat felt tight, her chest warm. He looked back at her, and with eyes alone he told her he loved her.

 

Inej smiled, soft as the sun filtering on her skin. His lips quivered but he turned his head before she could catch the full grin she suspected hung on his face. He’d forgotten the mirrors.

 

She scrunched her nose when he caught her watching his reflection. He blinked back, but she spied his amusement under the surface.

 

“Would it be too much an imposition if I looked at the other room?” Inej asked, both because she truly wished to explore, but also to wipe some of the sadness from Emilia’s features. Inej didn’t know why, but she didn’t like seeing that look on Kaz’s aunt’s face. She felt… protective. Whether from their mutual shared connection of horrific pasts or because Emilia was Kaz’s only living blood, Inej didn’t know that either.

 

“No! Of course you can!” Emilia brightened, despite the hint of water on her dark eyelashes. Shuffling around a dress mannequin, Emilia led Inej to the double doors through the foyer. Quietly, Kaz’s aunt breathed a warning.

 

“I would greatly appreciate if you would perhaps… er, have an air of confidentiality if you look to the back half of the room. He is my nephew after all.” Emilia winked as she walked away, ruby lips tilted in a smirk.

 

Inej chuckled under her breath as she reached for the door handle. Behind her, she felt Kaz’s eyes. She turned over her shoulder and read his words written right there in his irises and underlined by the downward slope of his mouth; “Stop. Don’t leave me here.”

 

Inej hesitated, but pushed the door open anyhow. She’d be a room away. Kaz may not want to stand alone with Emilia, but Inej wondered if that was exactly what her fiancé needed. Kaz was strong, capable. Stronger and more capable than anyone Inej had ever met. Sometimes, Kaz Brekker needed a nudge.

 

Not only that, but Inej knew Kaz needed to make some sort of decision. Maybe not today, or tomorrow… but soon. Kaz needed to decide whether Emilia was someone he’d allow any facet of entry into his life, whether small or large. They left Lij in less than a week, and if Kaz left without making that conscious choice, Inej thought Ketterdam might make it for him. His city was large and demanding, sneaky as smoke.

 

If Kaz went home to Ketterdam, his empire would distract him. He’d allow it to distract him, and Inej knew it. She did not blame him. Inej only wished to see him grasp this opportunity to have his say for himself in a way he’d never had as the boy who once walked these country roads.

 

Inej would support Kaz, no matter where his arrow aimed. No matter where it landed.

 

If he asked her opinion though? Inej didn’t think she’d mind smelling roses and thinking of Emilia Winstrad, aunt of her avri.

 

Inej didn’t think she’d mind hand penning Emilia’s name on a letter from Ketterdam, the same as when she wrote her parents and Nani, or Kahlid and Rahul. Or even Kuwei Yul Bo. Emilia would be a welcome addition to her roster of people she wanted to keep in touch with. She wondered if Kaz would sign his name, too. Or write his aunt himself.

 

When all was said and done, Inej wondered, would Lij represent life in Kaz’s mind once more?

 

Would there, perhaps, be a porch lantern lit for him, next time he returned?

 

 

KAZ

 

            Inej had been gone for at least ten minutes, and now his aunt was eyeing a stitch in one of his shirts that Inej had snuck along. Kaz glanced at the doors Inej had disappeared through, again. His throat scratched. His hands were clammy in his gloves. Was the room warm or was he simply dissolving into moisture? Fuck. This silence was not… not what Kaz was used to.

 

            “I’ll need to measure you for your jackets, I only need to fix the frayed stitching on the collars of these.” Emilia finally broke the silence from where she stood at the counter.

 

            “I know my measurements.” Kaz began reciting his seam lengths as offered to him by his tailor in Ketterdam, the man he’d only allowed to measure him once per year whilst still wearing his shirt and vest, buttoned to his neck and donning his longest pair of gloves that covered his wrists entirely.

 

He’d never allowed anyone to measure his neck, except for himself in a very awkward bout of twisting with a tape measure in the attic of the Slat last autumn, right before the opening of the Crow Club expansion.

 

            “I don’t trust other tailors.” Emilia waved a wrist dismissively. Kaz sweat some more. How had he not considered this? Emilia couldn’t touch him. He couldn’t risk showing her what he was beneath this mask he wore. He was not the nephew she had probably thought of, dreamed of. What if she brushed his skin?What if he drowned?

            Why did he wish so adamantly, not to disappoint her? He was being delusional. Childish. Who cared if she found out he was weak and sick and twisted and… No. No. He wasn’t only those things. Not anymore.

 

Still. He couldn’t. He couldn’t let her.

 

            “No.” Kaz said, sharper than he’d intended. Emilia had been making her way around the counter, tape measure dangling from her fingers.

 

            “Why not?” Emilia raised an eyebrow at him, lips in a sharp slash of red.

 

            Kaz opened his mouth and closed it. He tried again. No sound came out. No confidence man or Dirtyhands took the strings. There was no puppeteer to play this part.

 

            He was frozen. His usual answers about his skin came to mind, mostly rumors he’d heard about his hands or flesh in the Barrel, that he’d never seen a reason to put an end to. You’ll catch the plague if you get too close to Kaz Brekker. He’s actually dead, a demon sent back, too rotten for even the likes of the Devil’s horned court.

 

            “I won’t touch your skin.” Emilia said then, her words slow yet firm. Her silvery voice shocked him enough to meet her gaze.

 

            How? How did she draw that conclusion?

 

            Kaz stared at her, blinking once, twice. She didn’t move.

 

            “I don’t like to be touched much, either. Inej noticed, last night. She stepped in front of me.” Emilia stated simply, though her voice quavered on the end of her words. Kaz knew her pride had taken a hit; he could visibly see it. A hairline fissure, deep inside. “I won’t ask why you don’t like to be touched. Or if I’m wrong…”

 

            “You aren’t. I don’t like being touched.” Kaz rasped, tugging at the buttons of his gloves at his wrists. Her words fanned an anger deep inside him, but it was not directed at Emilia. It was directed to the husband who had touched his unwilling aunt. To the man who had dragged her from Mama’s body and from Da. From Jordie. From him.

 

            Kaz didn’t know where to put that anger. It fit none of the shelves in his mind, not the one labeled “Ketterdam” or the dusty corner marked “Rollins”. Not the searing pit tarped over with the name “Heleen”.

 

            He made room for this rage, anyhow. He held it deep and restrained as he watched Emilia take a breath and turn around, she walked back to the counter.

 

            “Let me fix this shirt first, on second thought. I just had an idea to reinforce the stitches and I don’t want to lose it.” Emilia said quietly, already focused on her task of gathering supplies from various drawers and shelves.

 

            Kaz wandered the room, glanced through the window at the bright street in front of the shop. He looked at the double doors again. Inej did not reappear. He didn’t hear her, either. It was not a surprise, but he wished he had anyways.

 

            Still he knew she was near. He felt Inej, through the electricity in the air that sprung from inside her, a deep and welcoming well that called to him like a seed to soil.

 

            Only when Kaz heard liquid being poured did he look over his shoulder back at Emilia. Now, she was using… a tooth brush on his shirt? Foam coated a spot on the sleeve.

 

            “What are you doing?” Kaz asked as his feet carried him back to watch her work. This was not stitching. He had no fucking clue what he was watching happen to his fine shirt.

 

            “It’s a blend I concocted. Takes blood out of white linen, there were drops on the inseam that hadn’t come out.” Emilia dried the fabric with a rag, letting him see the perfectly clean linen beneath, not even a hint of pink remained.

 

            Fuck, there had been blood on that shirt? Inside the sleeves? He swallowed.

 

            Emilia was silent as she picked up a thread and needle and set to work on the collar, fingers moving quick and sure. The sight reminded Kaz of the magician’s on the staves he’d seen so long ago.

 

            “Are you going to ask?” Kaz found himself asking in her silence.

 

            “No.” Emilia answered, her hands not even pausing their needle-work. “Are you going to ask why I created a cleaning treatment to remove blood?”

 

            Kaz blinked. Then, his lips curled into a smirk. “No.”

 

            “Why are you smiling?” Emilia glanced up at him from where she hunched. Kaz saw his reflection painted in her eyes, eyes that rippled with subtle amusement. A single manicured eyebrow rose in his silence.

 

            Kaz searched for the words, the answer he didn’t know how to articulate.

 

            “You… You are not what I expected. Not that I could have expected, because I didn’t know you existed, but…” Kaz chuckled as he gestured a hand loosely to the oddness of their situation.

 

            “I’m not like what you imagined your mother to have been.” Emilia supplied as she held his shirt up, inspecting her lines. Her dark eyes flitted to him once more.

 

            He had no answer but a slow confirming nod of his chin. He gripped the head of his cane a little tighter.

 

            “We couldn’t have been more different, Elena and I.” His aunt shed a smile as she moved to the next shirt stowed in Inej’s discarded satchel.

 

            Kaz eyed the chair beside the counter, Emilia kicked a foot out and pushed it toward him across the floor boards. He sat and leaned his cane next to her. For some time, maybe seconds, maybe minutes, Kaz watched Emilia work. Watched her pale hands cross and twine, the thread a translucent continuation to her will.

 

            “What was she like?” Kaz asked in a whisper. His bones rattled inside him, his stomach dipped with nervous nausea. He raised his eyes to Emilia’s face anyways.

 

            How many times had he wished to ask his brother this question? To have the chance to ask his father one more time, but this time as an adult who could recall each answer clearly?

 

            The thread paused for only a moment as his aunt looked up at him, a dark coil had spilled from her up-do, falling down her shoulder. Her black eyes seemed to brighten, and Kaz wondered if his did that. Did his eyes look like that in sunlight? Watery and deep, flecked in gold? Did Inej see that, in him?

 

            Had Mama’s eyes looked the same?

 

            “Elena was… well, she was down-right hilarious. A trait that skipped me, most definitely.” Emilia smiled softly as she looked back down to the shirt. Kaz didn’t know why he disagreed. Did he find her funny? Her humor seemed… dry. Like his own.

 

Something about Emilia continuing to work, too… it reminded Kaz of himself. It was comforting, somehow. Casual, despite the words being anything but.

 

            “Jordie said she laughed all the time.” Kaz mumbled as he kept his eyes focused on Emilia’s stitching. Kaz saw a flash of pain skim her eyes at the mention of his brother. Emilia had known Jordie, Kaz recalled all at once. She’d loved him, too.

 

            “She did. Once, when I had my heart broken at thirteen, your mother made it her mission to make me laugh again. The girl I liked had started dating this boy we tutored with, and I was a very dramatic young thing. Never thought I’d smile again. Elle proved me wrong by letting every single damned one of the chickens out of our parents’ small coup during the Summer solstice parade through town. We lived in a small house right on the road where the parade passed. There were feathers everywhere, and never in my life have I seen so many people get their ankles pecked. It was… it was the type of laughter that made me see stars because I couldn’t breathe. Elena was punished by our parents the entire rest of the season, but she’d grinned at me with feathers in her hair and clucked like one of those damned hens, even after our mother back handed her.”

 

            Kaz couldn’t help the slip of a grin that slanted his mouth. He tried to picture Emilia and Mama young, looking exactly alike with white feathers in their hair. He almost laughed, again.

 

            “Get up on the dais, I’ll measure you for your blazers. Jacket off, leave your vest.” Emilia shooed him into standing and Kaz limped up to the small platform.

 

            Emilia would keep her promise. She would not touch his skin. He trusted her enough for that. He dropped his blazer on his chair and stood straight backed in front of the gallery of mirrors. He took a single deep breath, as if preparing to dive.

 

            “Do you… Do you want to hear my favorite story about my sister?” Emilia asked quietly from behind him.

 

            The boy inside Kaz lit up like Van Eck bombs. Outside, he shrugged.

 

            “Did your Da, before he died, ever tell you how he met Elena?”

 

            Kaz shook his head. She tapped his shoulder, gesturing for him to hold his arms straight at his sides as she circled the dais.

 

            “We’d grown up near here, closer to Heig, but Lij was always more lively. Our friends were here in town, and our father worked at the grocers’ part of the year, during the off season for our orchard. Somehow, we’d never met Bram, though. He was four years older than us, he was twenty-three when Elena met him at nineteen.” Emilia paused to hold the measuring tape up across his back. Her hands did not touch him, only the ghost of the ribbon against his shirt. Kaz stared at his boots rather than watching the symphony of reflections in the glass. He listened. He felt no rising tide.

 

            Kaz hung on every word, despite his best efforts.

 

            “Back in the day, a man owned Sadie’s tavern and Inn. He was this old coot, a bit of a sexist despite Kerch progressing forward. Anyways, in town we obviously didn’t have any of the gambling houses or bars that the cities had. So, Cal, that was the tavern owner’s name, held gambling card nights in the tavern. Men only. Don’t ask me why, it was a silly rule. Even the men complained about it sometimes, not being able to bring their wives or what not. But, it was a source of entertainment for farmers who worked long weeks and even longer seasons.” Emilia paused to adjust the ribbon down his side.

 

Kaz glanced at her face to see a hidden curve of her mouth, a fond smile. Private and distant, from another time. He felt like a boy resisting the urge to stomp his foot to get her to continue the tale. The man he was settled for patience.

 

Mama. Da. His family. He wanted… he wanted her to keep talking.

 

“Elena always wanted to go to the gambling nights. You see, we loved playing cards with our own group of girls at tea on the weekends. Obviously, our parents had no idea we played, but we wagered gowns and stockings and sweets since none of us had money to pass around that wasn’t given to us by our families in some capacity.” Emilia scoffed.

 

“My sister, one night in late autumn, decided she was going to go. For months, I’d helped her design a binding corset to flatten her chest, helped her fashion an adhesive for this awful to Ghezen fake mustache. We sewed pads to into her jacket to make her shoulders broader, put stones in the toes of some of our father’s old boots to make her steps less dainty. We came up with a whole persona. A traveling man from Belendt considering a move to Lij to work the land in a field.” Emilia chuckled to herself as she plucked up a pen on the counter behind her and began to note his measurements in elegant script.

 

“Don’t get me wrong, we both wanted to go, but one of us would have to fool our parents if they came snooping in our room. Identical twins had its perk, most certainly. They’d expect me to sneak out, but never Elle. So, after Elena departed, I put on her cosmetics. I painted on the freckle, the very one you inherited, with eye coal. I made myself my sister. So if anyone was punished, it would be me, not her. She had no idea I did it. But I owed her.” Emilia paused as she tucked the pen behind her ear and swooped around him to begin measuring his other arm.

 

“Why did you owe her?” Kaz asked, tilting his head.

 

“Elena was going to take any money she won from the card night with the men to put into my jar. I kept any spare kruge I could get my hands on in a hole behind our mirror. It was money for design school in Belendt. I thought if I could save enough money, our parents would just… let me go. Not try and marry me off for a dowry and freedom of their responsibility. You see, your mother was excellent with numbers. She could count cards.” Emilia glanced up at him on the dais, and Kaz tried his best not to let her see the swallow in his throat, the swift levy of flames that carved the skin on his cheeks.

 

“She was the better player.” Kaz rasped. His aunt nodded.

 

I’m like you, Mama.

 

“Not to say I couldn’t hold my own, but damnit Elle was good. Elena wanted to go for the fun, and I would get to keep the winnings. It was a win-win. Not to mention, if I’d gone, you wouldn’t be here.” Emilia sighed as she noted a frayed stitch on the hem of his blazer.

 

“Thanks, I think.” Kaz’s brow raised as Emilia waved him off with a sly grin. She gestured for him to hold his arms out straight.

 

Kaz’s mind coiled and gripped tight around this new piece of information. His mother had liked numbers. Kaz had always, for as long as he could remember, been talented with mathematics. Unlike Jordie, who had always faired far better with words and conversation. Not that his brother hadn’t been quite good, but Kaz had just… it had come naturally to him. He remembered his tutor, Miss Arbor, telling his Da about it when he’d only been six or seven.

 

His Da had also written to Emilia about it, in his letters. Kaz disregarded the twin sparks of pain he felt in his chest; a needle and thread, grief sharp and time a string he couldn’t quite grasp.

 

“So did she go?” Kaz asked impatiently. “Did she win?”

 

Emilia laughed, a breathy feminine sound that reminded Kaz of the bells in the Church of Barter.

 

“She went. Did she win? Well, she’d have certainly said yes. I helped Elle sneak out and she walked the two miles into town by herself, we couldn’t risk our father noticing the horse was missing. Everything went smoothly, or so Elena told me, until it didn’t.”

 

“What happened?” Kaz watched as Emilia plucked a piece of lint off his shoulder. He didn’t even feel it.

 

“Elena was welcomed into the games at the tavern, no one had any clue a woman had infiltrated. I was glad to hear it too, since we’d spent so fucking long on her disguise. She sat at a table with six or seven men and was quickly dealt in. It wasn’t long before she began sweeping the whole sorry lot of them under the rug.”

 

Kaz felt his muscles twitch into a grin. Pride smoothed over his lapels and sank deep into the unchartered part of his chest labeled “Mama”.

 

“There was of course drinking, and that’s where the trouble came in.” Emilia laughed as she turned to write down another set of his measurements.

 

“My sister went to take a swig of ale, and the liquid ruined the adhesive on her fake moustache. The thing fell off into her lap instead of the table, thankfully, but she didn’t notice until the man beside her, a stranger, had his lips on her mouth. He shielded her face from the rest of the players and kept her from being kicked out and having our parents contacted in the middle of the night.

 

“His name was Bram Rietveld.”

 

Kaz stood slack-jawed as Emilia turned back to face him. His Da had… he’d saved his mother from being kicked out of a men’s card game with a kiss to her lips? That was their introduction? He laughed. Deep and shocked.

 

Emilia’s eyes widened at the sound but she quickly masked her surprise at his laughter.

 

“I know. I asked her when she got home if she kicked him in the balls or slapped his face, I’d have accepted either answer. She told me both.” Emilia laughed as Kaz winced in sympathy pain for his own father, though a smile still held firm on his mouth.

 

“The rest of the men there were shocked to say the least, considering your father had never once shown an interest in men, and here he was, kissing the new player at their boys’ club.”

 

“How the hell wasn’t she discovered?” Kaz chuckled roughly right alongside his aunt.

 

“Oh, she was, after Bram had discreetly cornered her from sight of the tavern owner. But the other men at the table who had witnessed her disguise failing, Bram’s friends, were so impressed with her skill that kept her secret from Cal. She went every week after that. Only difference was that Bram began to walk her home. By that winter, he was calling Elle “my sunshine girl” and he’d already met our parents. Of course, he lied and said he’d met her at the Sunday market with me. The first time Bram saw Elena in a dress instead of disguised like a man, I’m pretty sure your father’s heart nearly failed and put him six feet under right then and there.”

 

Kaz could imagine it. He could still remember the sad, distant note his father would tap on the piano on those whiskey nights. Only something rare could cause such a resonant sound. Kaz thought of how he’d felt, when Inej had fed the crows in his window.

 

His heart had almost stopped, too.

 

“Unlike me… Elena always wanted a family. If you wanted to know what your mother was like… She was free. She was level and bright, and had always known what she wanted. She wanted to be a mother, the right way. Unlike the one we had. She met Bram and it was like… it was like watching my sister bloom for the first time. Elena had convinced herself that despite her attraction to men, they would never be worth her time. Then she met your father. Bram was it, one and done. No one compared, and neither of them would have looked in another direction.

 

“If… If they’d been alive, Kaz, they’d be together. Just as they are in death.”

 

Mama, I wish I’d known you.

 

Emilia worked the measuring tape down his outstretched arm.

 

“Tuck the buttons of your glove closer to your wrist with your other hand, please.” Emilia mumbled. Shock weaseled its way into his muscles.Move.

 

Kaz’s arm felt like a leaden weight under water as he moved it to adjust his glove. She hadn’t asked him to remove it to measure his wrists. Not once had she indicated an interest in his gloves beyond a curious glance. Not even last night in her cabin when the fire roared hot, not today in the comfortable spring warmth.

 

“Are you going to ask me about those?” Kaz asked quietly as he searched Emilia’s face. Kaz didn’t know what he was asking. Her eyes didn’t leave the tape measure; her features did not change. For once, Kaz couldn’t read a thing. Emilia looked entirely neutral.

 

She looked like him, during a parlay or when he dealt a game of three-man bramble in the Crow Club for piss-drunk pigeons and high-rollers.

 

She looked… armored. Armor made of crimson tulle and lace, fragile things that served in the place of his harsh lines of steel and black.

 

“No.” She whispered, a deep breath left her mouth as she read the tape.

 

“Why not?” Kaz asked, perplexed. They always ask. Always. A mistake, certainly, but they asked anyways.

 

“Because I see these gloves of yours as one of two things.” Emilia straightened to look him in the eye, dark on dark clashing. Kaz felt his lungs tighten.

 

“Either they serve a purpose to which I am not privy to, for you have either not deemed me worthy to know, or have no reason to offer it. I have no choice to respect those wishes, for you are your own person. Or, you are very committed to a theme in your fashion sense, which I hold the upmost respect for as a woman of fashion myself. No matter which it is, it is not my business until you decide it to be, nephew.” Emilia’s lips pulled into a soft smile before she waltzed away from him toward the counter and her pad of parchment, pen already in hand.

 

Kaz stood locked in place, both unsettled and comforted by the sheer amount of absolution in his aunt’s words. By the resounding respect he felt he’d just been paid that no one in Ketterdam would have dared considered bestowing him, no matter how terrified of him they may be.

 

In Ketterdam, his gloves were a source of urban legend, a tale to tell misbehaved children and a story for drunk men in the Barrel to ponder. Kaz didn’t think he’d ever admitted to himself at fifteen, sixteen, seventeen… now, just how much those stories had aided in his quest to become nothing but teeth and rage.

 

His sickness had become his shield from the world, and the world had built it for him over drinks and slurred quips.

 

 His gaze traveled to the wall. Emilia’s pen scratched against parchment.

 

Before him, stood a hundred men trapped behind glass.

 

Directly ahead, Kaz Rietveld gazed at him with wary eyes, a wounded animal that had been beaten below Dirtyhands’ fists one too many times. Was it safe, to be him, here? The man looked long and hard back at him, sunlight eclipsed his cheek bones and cast a cheery splash of gold around his dark hair. A halo for a man not quite as dead as Kaz had once believed.

 

From the mirror leaning to his right, furthest from the window, Kaz Brekker reigned in shadow with his dirty hands. The glass cut his profile into harshness, angled and bent. That man was slim and sharp, cold. A man hollowed like worthless strong diamonds, lacking the luster of emeralds or amethyst. That man, the one dwelling in the dark, he longed to run from this sunshine and open air. That man craved smog in his lungs and pockets weighed down in crudely acquired cash.

 

Kaz turned his head forward again. He didn’t look back to the shadows.

 

In the silence, he heard dirty fists strike the panes of glass and growls echoed in his ears.

 

Kaz swallowed once, and then, he was only one man again. This version, he liked best. This version of himself, that he saw now, glanced up to the corner of the mirror.

 

Inej stood in the arch of the foyer, coffee cups in hand, smiling at him in his reflection.

 

The sun sighed and wailed in jealousy of the warmth emanating from his girl’s smile.

 

Yes, Kaz thought, standing in between his aunt and his future wife, I like this version best.

 

He wondered if his parents could see Emilia now, as she bent over one of their son’s jackets on the counter.

 

He wondered if Bram and Elena Rietveld were laughing, his mother’s rain against his father’s thunder.

 

He wondered if Jordie was the reflection he’d seen in the third mirror, the one above him, looking down. Watching over him with a dimple to match his own.

Notes:

Socials!:

tiktok: @ravenyenn19

tumblr: @ravenyenn19

So... what did you think? A little end note... this one was special. A bit about me is how much I relate to Kaz, here. My own parents passed when I was young, and I too had to rely on stories from others, bits and pieces, to know their story. This story of Bram and Elena is nothing like my parents, but equally as special. It felt... It felt like by letting Emilia tell him this, I got to give something to a character I love so much. Something I needed too, once. I hope you love it. I really do. <3

Chapter 137: Well-Dressed Joker

Summary:

A day in Lij.

Notes:

Chapter 137!!!

HI EVERYONE. IT IS I. RETURNED FROM THE DEAD AND THE ROCK I'VE BEEN LIVING UNDER. I've missed you so so much, and I'm so sorry it's been so long. I know I've been absent and to be honest there's a whole lot surrounding that but I just want you to know I'm happy to be back and I missed you. I might come back with a longer author's note tomorrow but right now it's 2 am and I work at 8 but I could not live with myself if I didn't get an upload up. I love you. I miss you. I'm so sorry. Your patience with me is... so far beyond appreciated. I really hope you guys are still here, because you all feel like friends. Thank you again for being so supportive as I've had to take a step back these past few weeks for both my physical and mental health. <3

I hope you guys love this one, it is longer at 10k wordsish (for reference my usual chapters are about 3-5). Granted, I added about 3k words of a scene in tonight because I had inspiration before hitting upload and.... well I might have to come back and edit when I'm less tired. I'm so sorry if it is not up to my usual standard.... I honestly just wanted to get it up for you even if it's a little rough around the edges. <333

It's dense and a bit slow but... Idk. These are all part of the story and the scenes I wanted to write so I hope you adore it.

Thank you forever and a day. <3

I MISS YOU PLZ COMMUNICATE BY LEAVING A COMMENT FOR THIS DESPERATE LITTLE AUTHOR?!!!!

"Where Rainbows Never Die" by the Steeldrivers (this is not lyric related, but the vibe of Lij. I was also probably influenced by the fact that I listened to it while writing so I know it's props not everyone's taste lol) <3

INEJ

 

            “If you don’t mind me asking… where did you, er, how did you get those coffees? There’s no exit through the show room.” Emilia was looking at Inej from across her seamstress shop, one of Kaz’s jackets hanging limply in her fingers above the counter.

 

            “I went through the window.” Inej shrugged as she watched Kaz straighten his shirt cuffs in the mirrors across from the tailoring dais. Only when Kaz raised a dark eyebrow at her in his reflection did Inej realize how odd her statement was to someone… normal. Or, normal-esque. 

 

            “Oh.” Emilia glanced at Inej, her lips mouthing a silent “okay” as she looked back to the fabric. Inej felt the sarcasm from across the room.

 

            “Sorry, I suppose that isn’t normal here.” Inej stumbled over the words, shifting the coffee cups awkwardly in her hands. She’d only left the shop to give Kaz a little more time with Emilia alone… she hadn’t particularly considered how strange it would appear to sneak out of his aunt’s shop without saying a word.

 

            “Saints, Kaz you have made me weird,” Inej thought bitterly as her eyes threw daggers at his back. He masked a chuckle with a clearing of his throat.

 

            “Is that normal…anywhere?” Emilia looked at Inej now, dark eyes flashing in amusement.

 

            Inej gaped as Emilia smirked and tied off a stitch.

 

            “In my lovely fiancé’s mind, perhaps.” Kaz grinned.

 

            He was being cheeky. Inej had no idea what to do with his seemingly light mood. What had she missed in the past half bell?

 

            “I brought you coffee, shevrati.” Inej glared though her cheeks flushed. She heard Emilia snicker softly at Kaz’s easy jesting.

 

            Kaz grabbed his cane as he reached for a cup in Inej’s hands, she pulled back at the last second.

 

            “These two have sugar, no cream. Mine is that one.” Inej rolled her eyes at his false frown. Kaz reached for the next cup, but she caught his gratitude when his gloved fingers brushed hers and lingered a second longer than necessary. He touched her engagement ring.

 

            “You brought one for me?” Emilia perked up immediately, onyx curls bouncing atop her head.

 

            Like nephew like aunt, Inej scoffed internally. Never ones to turn down caffeine.

 

            “Yes. I noticed you and Kaz take yours the same way, last night at your cabin.” Inej smiled softly as she walked toward Emilia, nosily dipping her head to see the woman’s careful stitching along the seam of Kaz’s blazer. She set the coffee down beside Emilia’s thread.

 

            “Did you see anything you liked in the show room?” Emilia asked as her hands continued to move, Inej heard the click of Kaz’s cane as he toured the room, eyeing fabrics behind her.

 

            Inej felt her cheeks redden again. Saints, what a miserable impression she was making on this woman.

 

            “The gowns are stunning. I, we, have a friend in Ketterdam who would literally sell you her ribcage just to touch some of those pieces.” Inej chuckled as she eased herself down into the seat beside Emilia’s work counter. Inej wondered if Kaz had previously occupied the sun-warmed seat.

 

            “That friend would probably promise you her hand in marriage and cut out her own heart right then and there for a glimpse of this place, honestly.” Kaz scoffed across the room. Inej smiled as she pictured Nina squealing amongst gowns and decadence and roses. Kaz wasn’t wrong.

 

            “Sounds like my kind of girl.” Emilia grinned as she lifted her work for a careful examination.

 

            “Nina is very outspoken. She’s my best friend.” Inej smiled, “Besides Kaz.”

 

            Inej heard the pause in Kaz’s gait as he walked. Emilia flashed Inej another small grin.

 

            “What about you? I’m sensing you aren’t the type for gowns if you climb out of windows on the regular.” Emilia said.

 

            “Not really.” Inej shook her head, opting to duck her face with a sip of coffee.

 

            “No shame in that.” Emilia ticked at Inej’s expression.

 

            Inej didn’t know what it was, as she watched Emilia’s movements, but she felt… recognizable. Emilia’s movements were careful, steady, precise. Something Inej had always noticed in Kaz, too. It wasn’t a familial relation that connected the two things, but instead, Inej imagined it was like Nani had said; auras could look similar between two people. It was a feeling in the air of that small shop, a feeling between the three of them. Similarity. All of them, somehow.

 

            “I hope you don’t mind that I packed one of my shirts in that bag, too.” Inej said after a long moment. She glanced across the room to find Kaz watching them from where he leaned against the door frame to the foyer, one ankle crossed over the other and a slender hip balancing his sharp frame.  He sipped his coffee, a picture of casual. He was all attractive lines smudged with black fabric.

 

            Inej wanted to stare at him, just like that, for an eternity. The afternoon sun winked on the chain to his time piece, his raven hair was haloed in azure from the golden afternoon light. She felt like a lucky woman, just then. A lucky woman to marry that shadow tinted man in the sun.

 

            “Nonsense. I already fixed it.” Emilia scoffed with a flick of a feminine wrist as she sipped her own coffee. “Thank you for the drink, though it tastes like shit. No offense to you, you didn’t know not to buy it from Laine. The shop on the corner is better.” Emilia winked and Kaz uttered his confirmation.

 

            Inej had just thought she hadn’t the taste buds to know good coffee or the cream had gone bad. Truly, it was awful. Inej had already considered tossing her entire cup.

 

            “It does.” Inej laughed with a sigh and Emilia snickered again. “Serves me right for sneaking out the window.”

 

            “Try this.” Emilia gestured then, holding up the blazer to Kaz. He pushed off the wall and limped toward the counter to set down his coffee. He shrugged the blazer on. Inej watched as he rolled his shoulders, twisted his wrists.

 

            Kaz’s eyes widened as soon as he latched the jacket shut.

 

            “It’s…” He closed his mouth as he twisted one way then the other and the fabric didn’t so much as struggle.

 

            “Perfect.” Emilia supplied. It wasn’t a question that escaped her mouth, but a smug observation.

 

            Inej couldn’t agree more, and she simply could not fault the woman for her pride. Inej had not thought Kaz’s jackets could fit him better.

 

            She had been wrong. Very wrong.

 

            Inej also wanted to tear it off of him, but that was not a line she’d cross in front of Emilia. Nor would she do Kaz’s aunt’s work such a disservice, at least not yet. Later, Inej would toss that jacket to the ground, preferably along with every other piece of clothing on her avri’s person.

 

            “You fixed the pocket in the sleeve. The hidden one. I ripped it last spring.” Kaz mumbled. Inej’s breath hitched softly. She knew that pocket. He had one in almost every blazer, a hidden lining for picks… or oyster shucking knives. Small blades. Cards. Stolen keys. All the usual tools of Barrel Boss-dom.

 

            “Oh! Yes. You left these.” Emilia pushed two slender tools across the counter. Lock picks.

 

            Kaz froze. Inej shifted in her seat.

 

            “You’re not wondering why I have those.” Kaz stepped forward, almost hesitantly as his gloved fingers slipped the picks into his freshly repaired sleeve pocket. Inej recognized his movements, how unsettled he was that he’d forgotten to remove the tools of his trade. Kaz never missed things, wasn’t forgetful. It spoke only to how monumental this entire trip had been.

 

            Emilia chewed on her lip for a moment, her fingers tapped an idle pattern against the wood counter. She assessed her nephew blatantly, and he her.

 

            “Of course I’m wondering. You’re asking if the answer is something I need, though.” Emilia replied, her tone sharp but kind.

 

            Kaz tilted his head, eyes narrowed.

 

            “The answer is no. You don’t have to tell me. Though, I will suggest you sharpen the axel pick.”

 

            “You know what they are called?” Kaz swallowed, his voice little more than a rasp of sand.

 

            “I do.”

 

            “Why?”

 

            “Tsk, nephew. A truth for a truth.” Emilia answered as she folded his repaired shirts back into Inej’s satchel.

 

            Inej wondered if Kaz’s eyes were going to fall out of his head, she’d never seen him look so… surprised. So stunted. Emilia was not backing down nor away from him. She wasn’t asking or answering… she was simply allowing Kaz to exist with his secrets until he chose to give them.

 

            “I don’t know whether I am impressed or slightly afraid that both of you know what each type of lock pick is called and I just call mine ‘the long one’ or ‘Kaz’s favorite’ or ‘easiest to use’.” Inej mumbled in half-laugh.

 

            “I hate to say it in the company of both my nephew and his fiancé but that statement was more vulgar than anything if you think long and hard about it, pun intended.” Emilia huffed a laugh as she straightened from her chair.

 

            Kaz’s eyes looked like they were going to fall out of his head again. Inej couldn’t hold back her laughter. She hadn’t realized how it sounded when she’d said it. Kaz stared between the two giggling women, and Inej thought she’d remember this moment for eternity.

 

            “I’m tempted to scandalize everyone further by suggesting my favorite pickis also Inej’s favorite. If we’re leaving our minds in vulgar territory.” Kaz hummed and Emilia burst out laughing, full and rich, as Inej’s face went slack and flushed hotter than she’d imagined her skin was capable.

 

            Kaz grinned. Cheeky, smug man that he was.

 

            “I think we are related.” Emilia smirked.

 

            “Saints, help me.” Inej groaned as she pressed a palm to her cheek, attempting to dim the flush she was certain was there.

 

            She also smiled, despite the rise of young-feeling embarrassment. Kaz and Emilia seemed to share a sense of dry delivery, no matter how jovial their joke. Inej, despite her inflamed cheeks, adored it.

 

            Inej adored this simple moment, the ease in which they all were strewn about as if the circumstances that had brought them all to this singular moment in time were not cataclysmic tragedies, all separately unfolded. The Saints were expert weavers. Never once, a few short years ago, would Inej have imagined a gem on her finger, sitting inside a dress shop with Kaz Brekker, when neither of them intended to steal a thing.

 

            Kaz checked his time piece and Inej noticed Emilia’s eyes flickering over Kaz when his gaze was turned. Anxiety seemed to have gripped his aunt, because once again, they all stood at an impasse. Had Kaz told Emilia how long they were to be here in Lij? Had he decided to see her again, beyond this day?

 

            Inej couldn’t imagine Kaz not seeing his aunt again, but then again, Inej wouldn’t pretend to know Kaz’s feelings at this moment. She could not sense unease from him, his eyes seemed light, but Inej had also appeared light when they’d first entered Aska Vasman, when she had begun to face her past and her family for the first time those months ago. In a way, she had been. In others, she had been weighed down by the sheer force of her grief. It had been in private and behind a closed door that Inej had collapsed in Kaz’s arms and finally let all of her fear and indecision show.

 

            Now Inej caught Kaz’s eye, and she saw a question there. Inej answered with a slight shrug and a smile. His question was easy to interpret. He nodded while Emilia slipped her gloves back over her hands, latching the beautiful fabric at the elbow.

 

            “Lunch?” Kaz rasped, Emilia’s head turned to him but Inej noticed the frown on her face when she looked away.

 

            “I’m starving. That coffee did nothing.” Inej answered as she stood.

 

            “Right, I won’t keep you.” Emilia nodded to herself as she fussed with straightening a jar of pens on her counter.

 

            “How much do I owe you for the tailoring?” Kaz asked then. Inej wondered if she’d misinterpreted Kaz’s silent question only a moment before.

 

            Was this really it? She’d thought Kaz had been looking to her for her opinion on Emilia. Had Inej missed something, in her half-bell away?

 

            “Nothing.” Emilia said sharply, her tone edging on offended as she glared at Kaz beneath thick eyelashes.

 

            “Fine. Then I’m buying lunch, if you’ll accompany us.” Kaz said, his tone equally as sharp. He did not look at Emilia as he straightened his tie at his throat and rolled his shoulders back in his now perfect-fitting blazer.

 

            Emilia paused then, her hands frozen above her counter. She looked at Kaz. Inej meandered toward the door, hands folded into her coat pockets. She had not been wrong, and now a pleasant warmth was filling her lungs.

 

            Inej knew already, she wanted to know Emilia better. She wanted to see Kaz know her better, too. It didn’t matter that they’d only just met, because Emilia’s very presence already felt… familiar to Inej.

 

            Emilia reminded Inej of vintage whiskey that had been poured into a painted porcelain tea cup. She was as sharp as Kaz, feminine around the edges. Inej liked her.

 

            “You want to go to lunch, with me?” Emilia asked, her voice almost as small as Inej had heard it on the hill on the Rietveld farm, when she’d first seen her nephew. It was shock and hope folded into fragile words. Inej’s heart stuttered when Kaz nodded curtly. She could see the barely noticeable tremble to Kaz’s fingers as he gripped the head of his cane. The tips of his ears had been tinged pink with nerves only Inej might notice.

 

            “We’ll probably be stared at.” Emilia’s posture was rigid. Inej wondered if she was holding her breath. Emilia didn’t strike Inej as the type to care about being stared at, she had to be used to it. The woman was beautiful, classic and timeless. Not to mention how she dressed. No, Inej thought. Emilia didn’t know that Kaz was the same. Kaz was plenty used to being stared at the moment he walked into a room.

 

            “I don’t give a damn, quite frankly. Let them look, I’ve already been accused of not being Kaz Rietveld. Let’s give the small town gossip a thrill.” Kaz’s rasp was steady and strong, reminiscent of his times voicing a plan to the Dregs.

 

            “I’d like nothing more.” Emilia breathed, crimson lips stretched into a soft smile.

 

            “Sadie’s? I’ve literally dreamed of her bread since we had it on our first night.” Inej said as they all began to walk to the door.

 

            Stepping out into the sun, Inej felt Kaz’s hand reach for hers as Emilia locked the door to the shop behind them.

 

            Inej noticed then, that his pale fingers were bare.

 

 

 

EMILIA

 

            The afternoon sun was hot on her shoulders as she walked beside her nephew, his walking stick clicking softly on the cobblestone sidewalk.

 

            She wondered if his leg was much trouble. She wondered when he’d broken it. Had it been as a boy, out on the Rietveld farm? Had it been in the city, once he’d left? Had Jordan or Bram been around to care for him as it healed?

 

            Why hadn’t she been there?

 

            Emilia itched to puff her pipe. Anything to settle the nerves hidden under her flesh. To her left, she saw the baker, Hensley, staring at their group from across the street as he swept his stoop. Emilia dipped her chin in greeting and the old man’s eyes rose to his receding hairline.

           

            Come on Em, you’ve walked these streets a million times. A million times praying for this day. Head up. Make Elle proud.

 

            “Do you mind?” Emilia asked as she procured her pipe from her pocket and a match.

 

            “Not at all.” Kaz answered and his fiancé shook her head beside him. The girl’s black hair was simply astonishing, Emilia thought. Long and shiny. Kaz had done well for himself.

 

            Her nephew too, was striking. Pale skin like herself and Elena, the rich dark hair an exact match in shade to herself. Around his mouth though, she saw Bram. Especially in the few instances she’d seen him smile.

 

            It knocked the breath from her lungs, and for a moment, she’d seen Bram at twenty-three sitting on a summer lit porch beside Elena. Her friend, her brother-in-law, had been handsome as could be. Even Emilia had known it. Kaz was so similar in stature, tall and lean, broad shoulders and something about the way he carried himself was exactly like his father, down to the gait of his walk, despite the slight limp.

 

            “Glad you didn’t pick up the habit.” Emilia grinned as she puffed her old wooden piece.

 

            Kaz glanced at her from the corner of his eye.

 

            “It hurts my throat.” Kaz answered, his rasping voice deep. Emilia had been surprised when she’d first heard him speak. His voice was… well she imagined it as smoke. Yet it seemed, he did not partake in tobacco.

 

            What had happened? Or had nothing happened at all? Was it possible for a voice to be such a way, naturally? Emilia didn’t know. It wasn’t unpleasant, though.

 

            “So you tried to be a smoker?” Emilia laughed as they all paused to let a carriage pass before crossing the road toward Sadie’s Inn and tavern.

 

            “Tried, failed.” Kaz shrugged. Inej scrunched her nose just slightly. “I think I would have been asked to quit anyhow.” Kaz continued with a pointed glance at his fiancé. Inej laughed under her breath as she bumped Kaz’s shoulder.

 

            Emilia could see it, plain as daylight, how in love her nephew was with Inej. She’d known him for perhaps a grand total of forty-eight hours, and half that time she had seen his eyes focused on the suli woman.

 

            It was also clear the feeling was entirely mutual. Inej’s steps were in sync with her nephew’s. It was as if they’d always walked, side by side from their first step and would till the last.

 

            “Do you know Sadie?” Inej asked as they rounded the corner toward the Inn, all of them stepping to the side to let a small boy pass as he was dragged along by a large dog on a leather lead, his boyish giggles bouncing off the brick buildings beside them. Emilia noticed the slip of a smile on Kaz’s mouth as he watched the boy jog with his dog, but it disappeared just as quickly.

 

            “I do.” Emilia answered with an exhale of breath. She didn’t elaborate.

 

            This was surely going to be interesting. Emilia didn’t give a damn, because beside her was Elena and Bram’s boy. After all these years, she could hear his breath.

 

            The boy she’d left as a babe in his father’s arms was now a man, and Emilia Winstrad would die before she let the chance pass her to know him. A million questions boiled inside her skull, a rapid tattoo of bubbling confusion.

 

            Still, Emilia had learned the virtue of patience. This nephew of hers, she would never disrespect. She couldn’t begin to imagine the life he’d led. She hoped, prayed, despite her lack of religion, that there had been something bright in his years.

 

            Emilia would not pry.

 

Emilia would be as patient as she’d been these past nineteen years, since she’d kissed Kaz’s head in his cradle and promised him in the silence of a mourning house, that she would come back for him. For all of them.

 

She had promised Elle, when she’d laid that burnt orange marigold on a pink hued bedsheet, once pristine white, that she’d be strong enough to live for her sister’s boys, no matter how hard it would be. No matter what pain she endured at the hands of the universe, Emilia was the eldest sister by exactly nine minutes. She hadn’t been able to keep Elle on this side of the sky, but she’d be damned if she followed in grief. Emilia would come back. Always.

 

She had.

 

 

KAZ

 

            The sky was a pool of pure spring blue, clouds a rippling ribbon of cashmere on the horizon. Around him, country life continued to unfold. Market was set up along main street, sellers of apples, cherries, corn and grains of all kinds. Beside him, Inej was simply beaming. He knew she was drinking the sight up, relishing in the safe-kind of newness. He wished he could gather her happiness into his arms, let it take him over, too. Let him see his hometown from new eyes.

 

            Kaz didn’t know what to make of it. Of this ease in which he’d allowed Emilia to walk beside him, or the feeling deep in his gut that he was about to disappoint her. Somehow. He didn’t know why he cared.

 

            Jordie should have been here. Jordie would have had words and stories and laughter. All the things that had never come easily to Kaz, even before his life had fallen into pieces amongst the smog and canals.

 

            Emilia puffed her pipe and occasionally stopped to wave at someone, utter a hello at a passing shop keeper in her acquaintance. If there had been any doubt of her identity, Kaz had none, now. She’d grown up here. It was obvious as she was noticed, time and time again. Even once, a very old and decrepit looking woman had accidentally called her ‘Elena’. Inej squeezed his hand when he’d sucked in a deep gush of air. Emilia hadn’t noticed, but Inej had. She always did.

 

            Once they passed the majority of the crowd, if it could even be called that, Kaz felt his shoulders relax. Too many people, too much chance. He was on edge, not unlike how he was in the Barrel when a full boat of tourists had just unloaded and the pigeons were too beguiled by Ketterdam’s promise of frivolity to notice Dirtyhands, the legend, was pushing past them.

 

            Anyone who spent enough time in his territory had learned to side step him, or had at least gleaned the knowledge secondhand to not snag his attention.

 

            In Lij, he was simply ‘other’. To some, sure, he may be Kaz Rietveld, if news had circulated as he suspected after his outburst to the man in Sadie’s tavern on their first night in Lij. But to those who had never heard his surname, he was just another city-drenched mercher looking for a retreat in the fresh air with his equally young wife.

 

            Finally, they reached the old wooden doors to Sadie’s. The tavern that, as it turned out, was genuinely called ‘Sadie’s’, as shown by a newer-looking sign in the window. Kaz almost laughed, neither he nor Inej had even noticed it before.

 

            “I apologize in advance.” Emilia breathed as she pushed the door open, leaving himself and Inej to eye each other with wariness before following his aunt into the coolness of the establishment.

 

            The room had the distinct and warm smell of spilled spirits and hearth smoke, dust motes swirled from the open door as it closed behind them. The room was closed from the sunlight, lit gently by lanterns. No fire burned in the hearth now, but the same gold swept painting greeted them above the bricks.

 

            At the back of the room, the kitchen door swung open at the sound of the little alert bell above the door that jangled upon their entry. Sadie herself, with her golden hair pulled into a neat bun and a stained apron waltzed out as she flicked a rag over her shoulder.

 

            “Sorry about the dim, the afternoon’s getting quite warm and I wanted it cool for tonight so I shut the shutters…” Sadie paused as she looked up, her mouth dropped open slightly. Her face was flushed from work, little tendrils of hair clinging to her brow.

 

            “Oh no you don’t.” Sadie shook her head matter-of-factly as she looked at Emilia. Kaz’s gaze flickered to his aunt. She smirked coyly.

 

            “Hello, Sadie.” Emilia responded with a wiggle of her fingers. Inej looked at him from the corner of her eye.

 

            “Last time you were in here, you literally smashed a pint of ale over Stan’s head. There’s an actual dent in his skull.” Sadie leaned a hip against the bar, glaring at his aunt.

 

            “He’s sexist and rude.” Emilia shrugged.

 

            What the hell?

           

            Sadie tipped her head back in a laugh, and all at once the tension dipped from the room without even a pause. Had Sadie known that he’d had an aunt here in Lij when he’d told her his name, that first night they arrived? Could he truly fault her for it that she’d not said anything? Would he have even believed her?

 

            No. He knew himself well enough to know that.

 

            Anyone would have been able to know that, too. Between his face that had surely been severe and his obvious inclination toward city fashion, why would Sadie have felt comfortable to say something?

 

            “Hello.” Inej said simply with a twitch of her fingers in Sadie’s direction. Kaz tilted his head. Just because he understood Sadie’s reason for not saying anything, didn’t mean he wasn’t standing uncomfortably in the midst of her lie by omission.

 

            It was hypocritical of Kaz, how many times had he weaved his way through a conversation that same way? Parlays amongst the gangs, talks with kings. He was no better than Sadie and yet he felt bitter.

 

            He realized it was because Sadie was the first face he saw in Lij proper and it had been a kind one, a face reminiscent of the Lij of his boyhood. He liked her well enough, too. That didn’t happen often with him. It didn’t soften the sudden clench of his jaw.

 

            “Hello,” Sadie replied with a flush to her cheeks and a smile that could only be described as sheepish. “Forgive me, for not saying anything the other evening. I didn’t feel it was my place.”

 

            Kaz shook his head, he didn’t want her guilt. Emilia sighed.

 

            “It wasn’t your place. You also didn’t come running to me the moment someone claiming the married name of my sister. I don’t know that I would have believed you if you had.” Emilia spoke before him, clear and decided. He agreed.

 

            “Are we just dropping the thing about the tankard of ale you smashed over a man’s head?” Inej asked from beside him, a coy smile resting on her lips.

 

            “Yes.” Emilia said.

 

            “No.” Sadie replied.

 

            “It was…”

 

            “Not only the one time, darlin’.” Sadie supplied readily, her accent adding a playfulness to her words that he thought she hadn’t meant to slip.

 

            Kaz looked around, only two men sat in one corner of the tavern at this time of day, older men who seemed knee deep in a game of dice. Kaz doubted they had even noticed their party entering.

 

            It was all well enough to Kaz, who had not the slightest idea what had possessed him to invite lunching to his repertoire of social gatherings, let alone with his aunt who was neither estranged nor familiar. Emilia now rested firmly outside of Kaz’s black and white sectors in his own mind. She was laced in grays and off-whites and the indecision was ripping and clawing at Kaz’s sanity.

 

            Kaz had always had a clear divide in his mind, a rather archaic way of thinking, primal perhaps, but coordinated and distinctly not messy. He liked order and his had always been pristine.

           

            Those he would die for.

 

            Those he would not.

 

            Firmly, Inej and a very few select others now rested in the sliver of white beyond that ghostly divide. Jesper, Wylan. Zenik. The Ghafas, including Khalid and Rahul. A white wolf. Somehow, Anika. Rotty. Pim. He did not care to analyze when some of the Dregs had slipped into that side of his mind.

 

            The rest of the world was in the black.

 

            Save for Emilia, who taunted him as she toed the line with her dry humor and her severe glares so similar to his own. And her stupid fucking knack for tailoring. He’d never, ever, go back to his tailor in Ketterdam.

 

            Kaz was a creature of habit, and he damn well knew what a perfectly tailored blazer felt like, now. He both delighted in the revelation and scoffed at the meaning- had he all but decided Emilia to be… a permanent fixture in his life, now? After a few shared quips and one serious conversation?

 

            Had Kaz lost his wits? Had he forgotten how easily he and Jordie had trusted only a decade ago?

 

            Vaguely, Kaz was aware of Emilia thanking Sadie for showing them to a small table beside the stairs, far away from the only other patrons in this snag of time between noon and supper.

 

            Emilia ordered them a pot of coffee for the table and some water, to which Sadie immediately embarked on a mission. Somehow, Kaz had missed whatever words the Innkeeper had said after his aunt’s firm dismissal of her guilt.

 

            “So you are friends?” Inej asked once they’d settled.

 

            “Sadie and I?” Emilia asked as she straightened her skirt. “Yes, I suppose so. I… helped her with something a few years back, she was kind to me when I first returned to town with absolutely no direction and more importantly, no home. She let me rent a room upstairs until I figured out permanent lodging, she gave me a discount.”

 

            Kaz found the coin in his pocket.

 

            “I like her.” Inej smiled softly just as Sadie rambled back with a tray and their drinks. When asked about food, Kaz simply answered he’d take the same as Inej. What she’d actually asked for, he had no clue.

 

            Kaz was off balance. Perhaps he should have cut this entire day off after the tailoring at Emilia’s shop. He could have returned to the house with Inej to stew with the ghosts he was familiar with and to lose himself in the task of planning Inej’s infiltration of Kane’s fortress. Something he was good at. Something twisted and clever and all consuming. Something that made a hell of a lot more sense than trying to cross a nineteen-year old bridge between himself and Emilia.

 

            For a few minutes, Emilia spoke of light things to fill the hesitant silence that Kaz was certain was his own creation. He’d slipped easily back into his wary shoes, the ease and privacy of Emilia’s tailoring shop was now lost on him. She mentioned how Sadie had changed the tavern with small updates since the previous owners. She spoke of how she’d chosen certain fixtures in her tailoring shop.

 

            Kaz nodded once or twice, because that was what he perceived normal people who were not severely traumatized barrel bosses did. Inej was silent beside him, though she asked a question or two.

 

            “Are you alright?” Emilia asked after their food was delivered by a man other than Sadie. Kaz immediately looked up from the napkin he’d begun to unfurl only to realize Emilia was not actually speaking to him.

 

            Kaz looked over at Inej who was suddenly pale in the dim light. She reached for her water glass, nose scrunching at the fresh sandwich on her plate. Swallowing thickly, Inej pushed slightly back from the table.

 

            “’Nej?” Kaz asked when she didn’t answer Emilia. Immediately, Kaz knew something was wrong.

 

            Slowly, Inej shook her head slightly. “Sorry, I don’t… I was okay, but I don’t feel all that well.” Inej answered, a fine sheen of sweat was building on her brow. Kaz dropped his napkin. She’d not even taken a bite of the food, and he knew she was not picky. Never once had she been. The only thing Kaz knew Inej could not stand was the scent of vanilla. She hated the sweet sponge cakes they sold in carts for the tourists on the staves in Ketterdam. There was no vanilla in sight, only the fresh pork sandwiches and the pulled green salads with hazelnuts. In fact, Inej adored everything here. Sadie’s rolls she had craved earlier were steaming in a basket in the center of the table.

 

            “Mera nadra.” Kaz said softly, shifting in his chair to put his hand on the back of Inej’s own seat. Her eyes looked watery. Now, Kaz was concerned.

 

            “I started feeling weird as we left the shop but I thought I was just dehydrated.” Inej took another sip of water, her hand shook.

 

            “Do you feel sick?” Kaz asked, nerves rising by the moment. Inej didn’t look right, her skin had turned ashen.

 

            “I- oh. Sorry.” Inej jumped from the table, her chair screeching against the floor. Inej ran toward the wash room at the back of the Inn, hand pressed over her mouth. Inej nearly collided with Sadie herself on her way around the bar.

 

            “You okay, doll?” Sadie called after Inej but the bathroom door was already swinging shut behind her.

 

            Immediately, Kaz was on his feet, limping toward the washroom. From the other side of the door, Inej was most definitely sick.

 

            “Inej.” Kaz knocked gently, but was only answered with a second round of hurling. He tried the handle to find it locked.

 

            “Did you eat anything else today?” Emilia’s concerned voice was right behind him as he weighed the merits of picking the lock right here in the open, while Sadie and Emilia watched.

 

            Inej was sick. Inej was sick. Inej was sick. Realistically, he should not have been so nervous. Irrationally, he wanted to break the door down to hold her hair back.

 

            “Just some fruit this morning.” Kaz shook his head. He felt fine.

 

            “Our coffees didn’t have the cream.” Emilia reasoned beside him. Kaz turned to his aunt, her jaw was clenched and her shoulders tight. “It must have gone bad, she said her cup tasted horrid, but I suspect hers was genuinely rotten.”

 

            Kaz hadn’t even thought of it. Emilia had been so much faster. Great scheming mind, Kaz.

 

            “What shop is it? Where is it?”

 

            Emilia rolled her eyes as he nearly shouted.

 

            “Overprotective.” Emilia countered.

 

            “She’s sick because she was served something foul.” Kaz replied coldly.

 

            “She’s sick and you cannot prove what it was. Hardly merits setting the establishment ablaze.”

 

            “I’m inclined to argue.”

 

            “Argue all you like, but it’s your future wife you’ll have to tell that you left her sick on a bathroom floor to go commit arson.”

 

            Kaz’s glare was poisonous as Emilia arched an eyebrow.

 

            “There’s no chance she’s…pregnant, right?” Emilia said then in a whisper.

 

            Kaz almost burst out laughing, only Inej hurling on the other side of the door kept his face in check.

 

            “No.”

 

            “You’re certain?”

 

            “Yes, I’m fairly certain I understand the logistics of how pregnancy comes about.” Kaz scoffed.

 

            Emilia’s eyebrows raised again, but she let the subject drop. Kaz continued to throw daggers at her profile. His hands itched to drop his picks from their hiding place and barge in for his girl.

 

            “Forgive me, I should have known you were old fashioned by the nothingI know about you.” Emilia turned after a long moment of his glare ripping into the side of her face.

 

            “That’s rich considering I had no idea I knew you existed. Forgive me,” He spat. “For not opening up right away when it could fucking kill me.”

 

            “What does that mean?” She asked, equally as angrily and… offended?

 

            “Oh, for Saints sake! Quit the fucking arguing while I’m ill!” Inej’s voice was little more than an angry and pained yelp from the other side of the door.

 

            Kaz felt guilt threaten to bubble up as he jolted in surprise back from the door. Inej had heard all of that, clearly. To Kaz’s surprise, Emilia looked equally as scolded as he felt when she fiddled with a button on her gloves, eyes downcast.

 

            A saturated pause held Kaz and Emilia in limbo as they both stood at the door, both unwilling to move or speak after Inej’s words.

 

            “Good gracious you two are a couple of hens with a fragile egg. Get the hell outta my hallway.” Sadie pushed down the corridor and Kaz pressed himself against the wall. Emilia mirrored him on the other side.

 

            “Inej isn’t feeling well. I’m waiting for her.” Kaz rasped as Sadie cocked a hip and looked back at himself and Emilia.

 

            “Yes, I gathered that. She’s not fairin’ any better by your loiterin’. Go set your asses down and eat the food that did not make her sick and I’ll bring her some water.” Sadie said with a distinct tone of authority.

 

            “Please make them leave.” Inej cried from the other side of the door.

 

            “You heard the lady, mind your wife, boy.” Sadie fluttered her rag in the air and began corralling them down the narrow hall.

 

            Kaz tried not to scowl as Sadie only fulfilled Inej’s own wishes. Inej was sick. Of course his tenseness wasn’t helping. He still felt irrationally dejected even if he washed the emotion from his face as he sat in his seat with a grunt and turned to face the hall in case Inej remerged.

 

            Quietly, he and Emilia began to pick at their food. They did not look at one another. Only the scrape of cutlery and the sounds of Sadie working at the bar filled the space. Kaz noticed the men in the corner had left at some point.

 

            A half bell passed and Sadie cleared their plates. Kaz was beginning to worry. Just as he began to stand, Sadie sent him a shake of her head from across the room. She was watching him like a saints-damned hawk.

 

            Kaz had never felt like a mouse until this moment. He wondered if Sadie was the type of Inn keeper Ketterdam boasted: those who packed iron under their skirts in case of a brawl. While the country may advertise more safety, people were violent everywhere.

 

            Kaz found himself hoping Sadie had means to protect herself, owning an old gentleman’s bar. Had her parents taught her to shoot, like his own father had taught Jordie when he’d turned twelve?

 

            Kaz let his gaze fall to his aunt. She was… she had proved she could stomach the death of a man, but did Emilia also have means to protect herself? He pondered the small number of weapons he’d packed for their journey from Ketterdam. If nothing else, Kaz decided he’d ensure his aunt had a pistol. He’d give her his, before they left Lij.

 

            When Kaz could no longer sit idly, he turned his attention to Emilia fully. Emilia, who he just now noticed had begun sketching on a pad of paper with a charcoal pencil she’d seemingly produced from thin air, along with the parchment.

 

            “Is that me?” Kaz’s eyes widened as he took in the crude outline of shoulders, a vest that resembled his own. Emilia did not answer but her eyes flicked to him.

 

            “The dim light suits you, and Inej is otherwise occupied.” She said. “Sadie, do you mind?” Emilia lifted her pipe as she glanced over at the woman.

 

            “Not at all, just don’t let the men know I let you get away with it.” Sadie chuckled as she carried a platter of dishes toward the kitchen. Kaz knew he might be able to take his window to get back to the bathroom to check on Inej, but his feet refused to move as he watched Emilia light up her pipe and smudge a section of charcoal.

 

            It hit Kaz then, that Emilia could have left. She had no reason to sit here, waiting for Inej. The thought flickered through Kaz, easing the previous annoyance he’d been latched onto.

 

            “I’d draw Inej, too. I’m a terrible artist, though.” Kaz leaned back in his chair. He didn’t know why he said it.

 

            “What are you good at?” Emilia asked softly, the scratch of her pencil did not stop. Kaz noticed how she turned to blow her smoke the other direction, a courtesy he’d not expected. She remembered what he’d told her, about the smoke irritating his throat. He almost corrected her and told her he was in smoke filled rooms half the time, it was only when he tried to inhale it.

 

            Her question took him by surprise. Turning a list over in his head, Kaz selected his least revealing, and perhaps most truthful, answer.

 

            “I’m good at cards, playing and dealing.”

 

            “Like your mother.” Emilia glanced at him, lips tilted into a half sort of smile.

 

            “Numbers in general, really.” Kaz continued. It felt odd. As odd as it had been with the Ghafas, trying to speak about himself. “But initially, it was the shuffling that drew my attention as a boy.”

 

A small smile began to tug at his lips before he banished it.

 

            “Your mother was shit at shuffling, but she could count. I taught Elle her first basic bridge when we were twelve, I think. Granted, it took until we were fourteen until she got it down, but…” Emilia laughed softly, a lingering note of sadness beneath the noise.

 

            “One of you got the gift of counting, the other shuffling. Seems like how the world works to me.” Kaz scoffed, once again imaging his own mother, a stranger to him, sitting with her sister, laughing over spilled cards.

 

            Jordie’s face arrived in his mind, a memory of a drab little boarding house room that smelled slightly of fish from the harbor men’s catch. Kaz had sat with his small legs beneath him, attempting to bridge the new cards Jordie had bought him. Kaz’s cheeks were wet with salty tears after he failed, time and time again, and his brother would be back any minute.

 

            Kaz had wanted to surprise him. Kaz had wanted to impress his brother. Kaz had only wanted the ability to shout with glee when Jordie walked through the door “Look, Jordie! Look what I learned! I did something today, too!”

 

            He hadn’t learned that day. But, Jordie had come home after a fruitless day of job searching, and still, his brother had tickled him and made his belly hurt with laughs. They’d shared a tiny portion of cheap crab and butter from a stall on the canal, and despite going to bed a little hungry, Kaz had thought that certainly, tomorrow would be good, too. He’d master the cards, then.  

 

            He’d show Jordie that he was not too small to learn, that he’d find a way to be useful. He’d find a way to pay for more crab for both of them. Jordie had barely eaten.

 

            “The way you sit, it reminds me of Bram.” Emilia said, shaking Kaz from the past.

 

            “What do you mean?”

 

            “Bram always did that, sat with his legs stretched out.”

 

            “It’s just more comfortable.” Kaz shrugged.

 

            “Is it bad? Your leg?” Emilia paused her drawing, eyes trailing to his bad limb.

 

            Kaz swallowed.

 

            “No. Not so much. It just never set right, when I broke it. The weather affects it, some days, but I can walk as much as anyone else. Run. I don’t think about it much.” It was a lie.

 

            Kaz ran a hand through his hair as he once again looked back toward the hall, begging silently for Inej to return. This conversation…

 

            Kaz wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready to hand over his truths. Emilia was a stranger, no matter how much of his blood she bore. Ketterdam instinct was like a slug, a slime trail between his vocal chords, sticking and rusting.

 

            “How old were you when you broke it?” Emilia took another puff of her pipe.

 

            When. Not ‘how’. That, Kaz could do.

 

            “Fourteen.”

 

            His aunt nodded, just as floor boards creaked and Sadie walked out of the hall toward the wash room.

 

            “She’s asking for you, poked her head around the door as I was walking past.”

 

            Kaz stood immediately, reaching for his cane. Emilia only returned to her sketching, despite the loss of her scowling muse.

 

            Kaz nearly ran down the hall before pausing to tap his cane lightly against the bathroom door.

 

            “It’s me, are you alright?”

 

            The old brass handle turned and the door opened just far enough for Kaz to slip through. Around the door, Inej was standing with her hands crossed over her chest, her hair was loose, knotted and matted with sweat against her brow. Her skin was flushed from exertion.

 

            “I tried to wash my face and I fucking spilled water down my shirt and I didn’t wear my bindings and now… well I’m going to give everyone a free show unless I borrow your coat.” Inej whispered hoarsely. Her arms dropped and Kaz’s eyes flicked toward her chest without his permission.

 

            Oh. Yes, that fabric was… very translucent when wet. Inej’s eyebrow raised. A hint of humor returned to her dark gaze, something that said “nothing you aren’t familiar with”.

 

            A stream of pleasant smugness covered him for only a moment before Inej winced, her hand flying to her abdomen.

 

            Kaz leaned his cane against the wall before he locked the door. Inej was not looking at him, one arm was wrapped against her abdomen. She still looked like she was in pain.

 

            “Can we go home, please?” She whispered as she nibbled on her bottom lip. Her dark eyes were glassy with tears, whether from being sick or her clear pain, he wasn’t sure.

 

            Kaz did not like it. Not fucking at all.

 

            “We will.” Kaz said, not bothering to wonder why he liked hearing Inej refer to the farm as “home”.

 

            “Come here.” Kaz gestured toward the sink. Inej sent him a wary glance but stalked toward the counter. Making sure she saw his hands coming to her waist, Kaz lifted her up to the counter, standing just between her knees as he reached around her for one of the clean rolled rags in a basket beside the sink. He turned the nob for the faucet, grateful that Sadie clearly had a modern water heater installed for the ground floor of the Inn.

 

            Ripping off a glove, he tested the temperature with a finger quickly before wetting the rag.

 

            “What are you doing?” Inej asked softly, she was half leaning into him, swaying slightly. He knew she was probably out of any sustenance to upheave, but that it had also left her dehydrated. He saw the empty glass that Sadie must have brought her. Kaz braced his other hand on the counter, his arm a bracket in case she truly lost her balance. He heard a little huff under her breath, but otherwise, she made no comment.

 

            Inej not remarking on his fear for her balance told him just how badly she felt.

 

            “You said you wanted to wash your face, I’m washing your face.” He replied to her earlier question, gently tipping her chin up before pressing the wet cloth to her forehead. Her dark lashes fluttered shut, her features softening under his touch.

 

            “I love you, mera chaar.” Inej whispered to him then, her voice winking with affection he’d not expected.

 

            Kaz leaned forward to press his lips against the shell of her ear, “I love you.”

 

            “The first time I sat on a sink counter with you before me, I never would have thought I’d hear that from you in the same position.” Inej smiled tiredly, her eyes still shut as he finished his task, gently cleaning her brow of sweat.

 

            With her eyes closed, Kaz let himself grin. No, he’d never imagined it, either. That day in the Geldrenner felt like a lifetime ago, almost a memory of a different man. He supposed, in a way, it was. It was cherished memory, and also a hard one. All spikes and thorns surrounding that delicate bloom in the center made of the first taste of her skin he’d ever had against his lips. It was a memory belonging to the boy he’d been a few short years ago, terrified to give his heart, terrified that if he opened his chest in offering, he’d find nothing there to give.

 

            “Is Emilia waiting for us?” Inej’s eyes finally opened as he dried her face with another rag. She shivered.

 

            “She is, I think. Fuck, shirt should have been first.” Kaz cursed as he began to remove his blazer.

 

            Inej smirked, though still worn around the edges. “You just wanted to look longer, it’s alright I understand.” Kaz rolled his eyes.

 

            “I did not look except for the first time. Far-fetched it may be, but I have been an absolute picture of a gentleman.”

 

            “My eyes were closed; I guess I have to take your word for it.” Inej chuckled hoarsely.

 

            “You closed them on purpose, darling.”

 

            “You smell nice and I’m tired.” She countered, taking his blazer with greedy hands.

 

            He may have glanced at her chest one more time.

 

            “How are you feeling?” Kaz finally asked, his eyes nearly level with hers as she gently pulled her legs tighter around him, her knees brushing his hips gently.

 

            “Do you remember that man in the Club back in my first year of the Dregs, that one you knocked in the gut with your cane about seventeen times when he tried to pick pocket you?”

 

            Kaz vaguely remembered. He’d hit a lot of people with his cane. He missed his crow skull, the knock-off he used here in Lij was well weighted, but lacking the luster and familiarity of his trusted walking stick. He nodded.

 

            “Like him. That’s how I feel.”

 

            Kaz couldn’t help but laugh as Inej began to twist her hair into a knot at the base of her neck. She looked frantically around for the tie before she clearly remembered she’d worn it loose all day.

 

            Kaz was already tying it off for her with the strip he kept faithfully on his wrist.

 

            Perhaps it was his own engagement ring.

 

            “How are you feeling?” Inej asked then, her question pointed. Kaz didn’t need to ponder why she’d asked it. His aunt was in the other room. His aunt. Emilia who they’d spent the entirety of the day thus far with, and somehow they’d managed… something.

 

            “You heard us bickering in the hall.” Kaz sighed. Inej reached up to push his hair back. Until this moment, Kaz had not realized how tired he was. How much tension had built in his shoulders.

 

            Inej’s touch was something he hadn’t realized he’d been longing for all day. He closed his eyes as he dipped his forehead to her now dry one.

 

            “I think, perhaps, we should go home alone now. Enough for one day. If not for you, then for me.” Inej whispered, her breath branding his jaw in little puffs of warmth.

 

            Inej taking on this decision allowed Kaz to breathe easier. Home was here with her, but now, Kaz found himself wanting the farm, too. The privacy he’d missed all these years, the sound of cicadas at sunset. Am image formed in his mind of the possibility of the evening before them.

 

            Inej could rest with peppermint tea to soothe her stomach of the poison. He could sit beside her on the porch, where he knew she’d be barefoot under a blanket and he’d have her ankles in his lap as she read and he worked on Kane’s fortress infiltration plan. The sky would bleed from cobalt to tangerine, and everything would be peaceful in his life, for that stolen moment amongst the whispering fields.

 

            “Yes.” Kaz whispered.

 

            Moments later, with Inej bundled under his much too big blazer, they limped down the hallway into the tavern proper. Immediately at the mouth of the corridor, Kaz could see Emilia no longer rested at their previous table. He scanned the room, but his aunt was gone.

 

            Despite their plan to leave, Kaz was silently rattled with disappointment. She was like him this way, too then. Not one for goodbyes.

 

            “Glad to see you up and about, Misses Rietveld.” Sadie’s twang rang across the bar to them. Kaz hadn’t even noticed her there, before.

 

            His heart shuddered, a smattering of wings against his ribcage at hearing Inej referred to once more as his wife. It dulled the annoyance the empty tavern had delivered to him.

 

            “She left you this.” Sadie leaned across the oak bar to pass Kaz a piece of folded parchment. He nodded his thanks before he and Inej wished Sadie a good afternoon. For a moment, it looked like the woman wanted to say something more, but in the end she’d smiled and waved.

 

            Once out in the daylight, Kaz unfolded the page as Inej peered over his arm.

 

            His likeness was sketched in coal. It was him, Kaz knew because it was exactly how he’d been seated at the table with Emilia. His face surprised him, though. She’d not drawn him frowning or grimacing, instead, she’d drawn the slant to his lips.

 

An almost smile, the only he’d shed whilst Inej was sick. It was when he’d been talking about cards when she’d asked what he was good at.

 

Next to his portrait, a curving script greeted him in the same charcoal.

 

“Well-dressed Joker” She’d titled her piece. A play on cards, and on his demeanor.

 

Kaz found himself laughing, a full bodied noise that took him by surprise. Inej gently took the parchment from his hands and asked if she could keep it for her ship.

 

“I don’t have any portraits of you to look at while I’m away.” Inej smiled down at the drawing as if it were an actual treasure instead of smudged lines.

 

“You can keep it, Inej.” He chuckled again.

 

“So long as you tell me all the dirty thoughts directed at my copy when you come back.” He winked as she smacked him on the shoulder.

 

 

 

 

 

“Kaz, there’s a note on the back.” Inej paused a moment later, before they’d even gotten halfway down the block.

 

He paused to look over Inej’s shoulder.

 

I’ll be by the farm tomorrow evening, if it’s not too much a bother. I forgot I had a client lined up for this afternoon for a fitting. And Inej, drink lots of water. I know you’ll read this, too. Feel better, darling.

 

-Aunt Emilia

 

 

 

She hadn’t left without a goodbye.

 

Kaz didn’t doubt that she hadn’t the first time, either.

 

Kaz wondered, then, if it was him who was in fact, one for goodbyes.

 

He realized it, there under the sun, as horses and people and life slid by, that Emilia was not one he wanted one from. Not permanently. 

 

Notes:

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HI I MISS YOU SM PLZ FORGIVE ME FOR BEING SO MIA <3????

Chapter 138: Just In Case

Summary:

A conversation is needed.

Notes:

Chapter 138!!! (PLZ READ)

Hi everyone! I'm so excited to be here. I miss you all, I'm sorry it ended up taking another week or so but I love you and I have returned with a longer chapter once again! A quick warning for this one, there is *mild* spice but not enough that I felt it needed the break in the story, I hope that is okay. <3 Sincerely, I hope you love this one. It's been kind of a hard one to write, but it felt... important. I don't want to spoil anything. Anyways, I hope you love it!

Thank you for reading what I write. I don't have any idea what i'd do without you beautiful humans. I love you more than I could ever express and thank you so much for being so patient with me. It means everything to me. <3

I would really love to hear from y'all on this one, i know it was more angstyTM. I know. But... It was a pivotal moment. <3 I also just miss the heck out of you guys. Seriously.

"Poison & Wine" by The Civil Wars (Not the lyrics, but the VIBE. THE VIBE.)

WARNING: MILD SPICE in this one. Like, mostly heated kisses. So there is no break as it felt disruptive to the story. I just wanted to leave a warning in case anyone needed it though. <3 I love you. 

 

KAZ

 

            Since they’d returned to the farm this afternoon, Kaz’s mind had swiftly tried to correct course to reality. He’d been seated in his chair at the old table in his childhood kitchen, surrounded by fresh pale yellow paint that was beginning to ignite in a buttery blaze from the dwindling sun rays slanting across the window pane.

 

            The layout to Kane’s fortress was a jumbled mess of pathways, both carved naturally from sea against stone and those that were man made. He’d found a path for the Queen, he’d found the quickest and safest paths to the cells Nikolai had suspected their valued grisha would be housed in.

 

            But, how did he get her in? How did he get Zoya Nazyalensky, Queen of Ravka, in without being recognized? Or was the key in letting her be recognized? Of course they’d bring her in that way, if they knew who she was. That route ended with the Queen dead or in a cell, of that much, Kaz was certain. The security provided by the Shu’s honor guard of skilled inferni and tidemakers insured detriment to this patterned plan.

 

            No. Kaz had to think around his usual box of tools. He had to examine a path he’d never considered. Here, in a fortress by the sea, there were no prison wagons. No gang to provide aid, no ins or outs to the main land. Only treacherous water where... Where Inej would sail.

 

            Kaz had promised himself he wouldn’t look at the oceanic course Inej was planning. He knew Nikolai would not let her be blindsided, for on that roll of parchment in Inej’s bag on the chair, Kaz knew peril would be noted and underlined in red. The monarchs of Ravka had not been subtle in their plea for his and Inej’s council and aid.

 

            Nikolai had said it explicitly around a swallow of burning whiskey, “Sailors far renowned have died on the Pearl coast.” Then, he’d added quietly, “I think you and I, Miss Ghafa, might be the only ones willing to do it. Without a doubt, you and I, would be the only souls who might succeed.”

 

            How did Kane and his men maneuver the rocks and crashing tides? Simple. They had an exact route to gates erected around a small inlet that served as the fortress’ harbor. How come Inej’s ship could not follow the same route?

 

            Also simple. The Wraith would be spotted from leagues away. Not even Nikolai had acquired the exact combination that was required as passage through those waters, a password of sorts that changed constantly in the form of a number of bullets shot into the air and a precise amount of time between each shot. If Kaz were to put himself in Kane’s shoes, a disgusting place to be, he’d admit to changing that code weekly, if not even more frequently.

 

            Now, Kaz’s eyes strayed to Inej’s rolls of maps again. He knew she’d not mind him looking, but he hadn’t wanted to. He’d needed to focus on the plan for infiltration, sailing was Inej’s mission.

 

            The whisper in his mind told only truth, “you don’t want this one to be real.”

 

            This job. This voyage.

 

            Inej and Nina were going out there. It wasn’t like Inej’s normal voyages. It was bigger. More important. War stopping and Slave trade damaging, even more than every ship Inej had already sunk in her career as Captain Ghafa.

 

            Before Kaz knew what he was doing, he reached across the table and pulled the scrolls loose from inside Inej’s canvas satchel. When the tubes pulled free, an envelope went fluttering to the ground beside the table.

 

            Kaz glanced at the doorway, Inej had been sleeping off her food poisoning. She’d never minded him going into her things, and he was the same with her. It had been something they’d never needed to speak of, once their relationship began to transform. It was a trust between them, knowing the other would only look with purpose. Yet, there were boundaries they’d not cross. Kaz would never open one of Inej’s missives. Just as Inej had not pried when Emilia had delivered the chest of letters from his father.

 

            Kaz stared at the white envelope against the dark oak floor boards. He reached for it, unsure why his breath was turning ragged. He didn’t feel guilt, Inej had left it there where he could have seen it sticking out if he’d walked passed.

 

            No words fit the odd weight that descended Kaz’s throat and landed with a thud in his gut. He flipped the letter over. No post mark dotted the parchment.

 

            The only address was in Inej’s script, and not a place at all.

 

            “Just in Case” Her words branded the envelope. Black slashes against white, curving and delicate penmanship. The back flap was not sealed, and now, Kaz couldn’t stop himself.

 

            Inside, Kaz found five blank pages of paper. He flipped them over one by one, confused. Kaz had suspected a wad of bills that Inej perhaps intended to put in her safe aboard the Wraith, or maybe notes for her plans to sail, whether on this mission or another.

 

            Only on the last page did Kaz find her writing once more. There was no greeting, as if the letter had begun somewhere toward the end.  

 

            I intended to write this letter as every letter is written, from beginning to end. But every time the pen tried to land on the first page, I couldn’t let the ink flow. It was too difficult. It felt too real, to sit here as you sleep, peaceful and warm beside me, completely unaware of the tears I’ve finally let fall. Tears of fear, and grief I’ve not yet endured. On my past voyages, I never felt the need to write a letter like this one.

 

            That alone terrifies me, Kaz. I’m scared, my love. I’m so terrified to even think of it. There have been moments, these past days, where I could see our lives. I could see such beautiful things, and all of it became tainted under the clock. Under the promise of an end.

 

 It felt too wrong, to write this from the beginning, when I’d rather leave all those pages blank. It feels we’ve only just begun, how could I possibly fill them already?

 

            How could I fill those pages, when I’ve not told you that I think I’d prefer to marry you this autumn? How could I fill those pages when I’ve not yet stood in front of you, and promised, vowed, my love? How could I fill those pages, Kaz, when we’ve not yet lived? When I’ve not yet seen you remove the sheet on the piano in the corner? How could I write this letter from point ‘A’ to ‘Z’ when I feel we’ve barely yet crossed ‘C’?

 

            Just in case, mera chaar. That’s what I keep telling myself. How angry you’d be, to read this. How angry with me you’ll be that I had the foresight to write this.

 

            Just in case, mera chaar. Forgive me if your eyes must ever find these words. Forgive me, when the tide comes back without me. Forgive me, if on the horizon, your eyes never find my sails.

 

            Forgive me if they do find my sails, but not me.

 

Know that if I fall, Kaz, I will come back to you. I will wait beside you. You’ll know I’m there when you find coins on the cobblestones. You’ll know I’m there when the crows take flight.  You’ll know it is me when the sea breeze kisses your cheeks unexpectedly, with a recklessness we’d always strived for. You’ll know I’m there when the shadows begin to dance beside you in the light of day.

 

            This I vow, Kaz Brekker, that I will always be beside you. I save the name Rietveld, for my hope that I’ll give you a whole other set of vows, standing amongst the trees on an autumn day. I vow to you and the Saints, that on that on that hopeful morning, I will write the first page of this letter, and burn the last, all in knowing we will far exceed a few sheets of parchment.

 

I vow to you, my avri, my whole heart and the width of the sky.

 

            When you read this, promise me one last thing. Please, Kaz. Promise me, aloud in the silence, one more thing. Let me hear you from the other side of the spectral glass that now separates us.

 

            Promise me you’ll live. Promise me you won’t put your gloves back on forever. Promise me you’ll go to Jesper. Promise me you’ll be at his side when he marries Wylan. Promise me to write my parents. Promise me you’ll never sell this beautiful farm house. Promise me you’ll leave the yellow paint in the kitchen so I might show your mother in the next world.

 

            Just promise to keep trying, my love. Promise to keep going.

 

            Promise me, on every finger.

 

            Kaz Brekker, Etma Se Saman. You are the only fall I ever wanted to take, and till this moment, I’m still in the air, smiling. I always will be.

 

            I vow too, one final thing.

 

            Mera chaar, I will find Jordie. And I will wait with him, for you.

 

            I love you, Kaz. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I’m scared, but know I love you. I will do everything I can to make sure you never have to read this.

 

            Jah tramaa eae, mein majhee dahar. Phri maran lee charmatkar amarin.

 

            When the storm strikes, look for me in the lightning. I’m still shining for you.

 

                                                            Always,

                                                           

                                                                        Your wife (The only title I ever cared to bear. I pray I will carry it for many years)

 

            Kaz’s hand was shaking as he read. Over and over, he read Inej’s vows from death even as she slept soundly in the living room. His body rose and fell in stuttered shakes, his ribcage a prison to the strangled noise threatening to rip from his chest.

 

            He didn’t know if that noise was a scream or a growl, or something far worse.

 

            The sound of death, a choked sob and the cracking of ribs. A sound Kaz remembered intimately as he tried to wrap his tiny hands around Jordie’s before falling unconscious on a jostling dead cart.

 

            Kaz looked at all his notes, the document of tenuous plans for Inej and Zoya’s infiltration of Torunai Shimi. The island of the insignificant.

 

            He wanted to tear it all up. He wanted to grab every map in Inej’s satchel and toss them into flames. He wanted to sit on his hands and refuse to make this plan, like a child throwing a tantrum.

 

            It would do no good. Kaz knew, if he did this, Inej would still go. She would not let the world burn because of her fear.

 

            That was just him. Selfish till the end and a little bit twisted. He’d burn it all if she was safe beyond the inferno.

 

            It was not how he was raised, before Ketterdam. His father’s ghost pierced him with disappointed eyes on the back of his neck, and for a moment, Kaz was certain Bram Rietveld was truly there, wearing the same face he’d worn when Kaz had stolen an extra slice of cake from the counter after being told ‘no’.

 

            Kaz shook his head, Inej’s letter crumpled in his fist. The sound of the paper crumbling was like a bullet inside the silent farm house. He couldn’t hear the brush of the aspen leaves, nor the drip of the bathroom faucet.

 

            Even his time piece held its breath and ceased to tick. Time itself cowered under the table, spindly hands clasped over the gears that moved it along.

 

            Kaz couldn’t let Inej down. He couldn’t fucking lose her, either. She was scared. Terrified, if this letter was any indication. How had he not known how much turmoil was lurking beneath her smile?

 

            He flattened the page, trying to alleviate the wrinkles. He crumpled it again.

 

            Kaz stood with a start. He was angry. Inej had not been wrong. He was rage and pain outfitted together under a suit.

 

            Everything was too much. All of it. It piled on his shoulders, muck and grime and pure fucking air that he’d missed for a decade. It suddenly felt too heavy.

 

            In the last year alone, everything had changed.

 

            He’d killed Pekka Rollins. Not only that, but Kaz had destroyedhim. Reputation and all. His singular goal for a decade fulfilled.

 

            Inej had hung from a noose and survived.

 

            He’d asked Inej to be his wife, and still, Kaz didn’t think there would ever come a day to top that one. Not a single moment in his entire life had Kaz felt as much happiness as he’d felt in that golden second against the million made of bronze.

 

            Kaz had told Jesper everything, he’d jumped into a sea of cold water corpses and brought one brother back out.

 

            He’d taken double the territory in Ketterdam. His empire thrived, and under his boot, a city’s underbelly thrived.

 

            Emilia.

 

            Aunt Emilia.

 

            Kaz wondered when he’d begun to correct himself mentally from referring to her with one name to both name and title.

 

            It was too much.

 

            Kane De Vries fortress.

 

            Lij.

 

            Too much.

 

            Inej’s letter.

 

            Too fucking much.

 

            Panic began to seep into him, burning and freezing at the same time. A shadow passed over the window, a stray cloud against the late afternoon.

           

            Kaz limped out of the kitchen, padded toward the living room.

 

            He was sweating.

 

            His eyes burned, he hadn’t blinked.

 

            There she was.

 

            Mera nadra. His sea.

 

            Inej Ghafa was curled on their makeshift bed, the threadbare curtains dousing her skin in hazy sunlight against the gray comforter. The fire was not lit, it was a warm day and she’d not felt cold when they’d returned from town. Her breathing was deep and even.

 

            She looked at peace, comfortable. Her bare collar bones were displayed under his much too large shirt on her delicate and strong frame.

 

            Kaz wanted to wake her.

 

            Kaz wanted to sit down and just stare at her until his thoughts made sense again. Her words, her dazzling words, had obliterated that flimsy cover Kaz had thrown over the pit of fear inside him.

 

            Kaz didn’t want to be stuck at the letter ‘C’ in their life.

 

            His gaze darted to the sheet covered piano.

 

            Too much. Da, I’m sorry. I can’t. I saw you, right there. That was the last time I saw you in this house before I ran outside with Timber that morning. Right. There. Is your coffee cup still sitting on the key cover? Are your fingerprints still gracing the last notes you played?

 

            Kaz would skip ‘C’.

 

            Go big, Brekker.

 

            Kaz looked at Inej for a moment longer. Silently, he beseeched her Saints.

 

“Make no mistake,” he began internally. “It would be a mistake to take her from the living, this woman. If you weave her soul apart from my tangled web, let her live. For all my life, I’ll never pray, but if she has taught me anything, it is how to ask for help. Help her. Help me, help her.”

 

Kaz marched through the kitchen, her letter shoved haphazardly in his pocket. He picked up his cane.

 

He took one step and then another, skipping the third from the bottom that creaked.

 

 

 

INEJ

 

            Inej finally gathered her limbs into a stretch as she awoke at dusk, her body feeling normal once more. Sleep had helped after that blasted fit of nausea this afternoon. Inej didn’t know if she’d order coffee with cream again.

 

            It had been a dreamless and deep sort of sleep, restorative and kind. Inej stood and reached for her discarded pair of leggings, listening for the sounds of Kaz. She didn’t hear him, but she wondered if she’d find him at the kitchen table where he’d told her he’d planned to remain working for the afternoon when they returned to the Rietveld farm.

 

            Kaz’s documents were strewn around the table, a glass of water half empty sat beside his ink pot. Inej padded over and covered the ink, he was always forgetting the cap. Inej then noticed her maps laying on the table, still rolled. She’d not expected him to reference them for his plan, but she didn’t mind. She only hoped it had helped.

 

            Inej was actively ignoring the dwindling days they had in Lij. In a week, she’d be on the sea once more, full crew and a queen in tow. Inej began to shake the nerves rippling over her spine, planning to check the porch for Kaz.

 

            As Inej began her walk to the back door, an envelope on the table caught her attention.

 

            No. No. No. No.

 

            Inej grabbed the envelope, it hung empty in her fingers. The blank pages sat in a stack directly on top of Kaz’s notes. The last page was missing.

 

            No. No. No. No.

 

            Kaz didn’t need to read that. He was already taking on more by the day. Inej had been so tired when she’d stopped writing that she’d just shoved the envelope into her bag. She should have buried it beneath her clothing, or slipped it into one of the sheaths for her knives. She had only intended to leave that letter in Ketterdam, under the care of Wylan or Jesper once she set sail. They were only supposed to give it to Kaz if she didn’t come back.

 

            He wasn’t supposed to read it now.

 

            She hadn’t wanted to show him. Not with everything. Not in Lij. Not in this place, so full of possibility. So full of his old pain.

 

            Inej hadn’t wanted to add to it.

 

            Saints, tell me he didn’t read it.

 

            Inej stood, staring at the pages on the table, the tulips he’d given her in a jar in the center. Her breathing was weak, panicked.

 

            She had to speak to him. Tell him that she’d just… she’d just needed to let it out. She’d needed to be afraid, but she had every confidence that she’d return to him. To their life together.

 

            That’s when she heard him. A creak, a step.

 

            Above her.

 

Kaz had gone upstairs. For the first time since his return to Lij, Kaz was upstairs in his childhood home.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            Inej drifted silently up the steps. She’d been afraid of them creaking, but she’d evaded it with practiced skill. The Wraith served her well. She had no idea what she would find above the living room, she’d not even bothered to really look up from the bottom of the stairs these past three days they’d been in the house, only darkness had greeted her anyhow.

 

            Now, the second floor landing was flooded in dim light, windows over-looking the front of the house with gridded panes laid on the first wall she encountered. Beneath it, a small table sat, thin and decorative. Curtains hung loosely at the sides of the glass, dusty and old. Freshly drawn to reveal light.

 

            Inej could already imagine this view in the morning. From here, she could see the aspen trees in the grass at the front of the house, the winding dirt road a serpent between the gold hued fields. She could picture herself, in the morning. She would leave one of these bedrooms, and the first thing she’d do would be looking out this window at the top of the staircase. A sunrise or a sunset captured inside a frame, changing with the season.

 

            Dragging her eyes from the evening, Inej took in her surroundings. To her left, Inej saw two closed doors down a thin hall way, one on either side. Directly to her right, another door stood slightly ajar. Inej had thought there would be less space up here, but it seemed to be about the same size of the lower floor. The floors were equally as well kept. On the walls in the hall, Inej saw sconces for candles made of plated iron. She wanted to rush and inspect each room with as much vigor as she’d had that first night at the house on the lower floor.

 

            Kaz. The aura of Rietveld was all around her, warm and welcoming. Inej could almost hear the laughter of two little boys in this hallway, Kaz and Jordie. She drew a picture in her mind of Bram, as Emilia and Kaz had both described him, broad shouldered and tanned from days in the field. She wondered if his laugh had been like Kaz’s.

 

            Trusting her instinct, Inej pushed the door to her right open gently. She had to find Kaz.

 

            The door opened to a small room, one window on the far wall that overlooked the side of the house. It was cranked open, only a sliver. The breeze splashed Inej’s flushed cheeks with the scent of Spring. She could hear the bubble of a stream in the distance. She took a step forward before she felt his presence.

 

            Inej halted where she stood when she turned over her shoulder. Kaz was leaning against the wall beside the door, his cane beside him. His stance was casual as he stared out the same window that had just entranced Inej. One ankle was crossed over the other, his shirt sleeves had been rolled up to reveal his forearms. He wore no tie, no vest.

 

            Inej took her time tracking her eyes back to his face. Her heart gave a start as she took in the way his eyes now watched her watching him. His face was a careful blank; his lips were pressed together in a tight line. She saw no anger in his eyes, nor did he warm to her presence.

 

            “Hello.” Inej said as she straightened Kaz’s shirt on her own body. She had not even re-braided her hair when she awoke, instead she’d left it untamed and spilling down to her waist. “You came up.”

 

            “Yes.” Kaz answered after a long moment. Inej turned her eyes to the room. She could see a layer of dust on the windowsill, and now she realized in the corner was a small built-in bookcase, three vacant shelves stared back at her. Kaz and Jordie’s room, she guessed. Her heart ached for the boy she’d never gotten the chance to meet.

 

            “Sleep well?” Kaz asked. He hadn’t moved. His eyes were no longer on her, and instead trained back on the window. It felt deliberate.

 

            “Yes, I feel normal, thankfully.” Inej shrugged. Kaz only nodded, a mutter of “good” under his breath.

 

            Inej stood in the center of the room, suddenly nervous. More nervous than she’d felt in a long time. Anxiety skittered down her body all the way to her toes. She felt like a young girl again, walking up the platform for the next wire above her level.

 

            “I need to tell you something.” Kaz said then, his eyes veering back to her.

 

            “Alright.” Inej said softly, trying and failing to keep hold of his eyes.

 

            “I don’t want to go through with this.” Kaz replied, his tone gave nothing away.

 

            “Go through with what?” Inej asked, willing her voice to remain calm despite the swirling buzz of thoughts in her skull.

 

            “Making the plan for Nikolai and Zoya.”

 

            Inej took a staggering step back. He didn’t mean that. There was no way he meant that.

 

            “And for me. You forgot that.” Inej added, confused. No, he was going to clarify something here, of course he was. He just misspoke.

 

            “Yes.” Kaz responded.

 

            “Kaz, what are you saying? I’m not following.” Inej whispered. She wanted to launch herself across the room to him, wanted to be welcomed in the circle of his arms. She didn’t understand what she was hearing. Why he’d not stepped closer. Why he’d not greeted her when she came in.

 

            “I’m saying I no longer believe this will be a success, Inej. I’ve failed to find a safe way in.”

 

            “You’ve barely taken more than twenty-four bells in total, Kaz. That’s ridiculous. You took more time than that to plan the Ice Court by weeks. Just because you haven’t found it yet doesn’t mean you won’t. I’ll help, I’ll go make us something to eat and…”

 

            “No.” Kaz shook his head sharply.

 

            Inej halted again. “What do you mean?”

 

            “I will not help send you into this, Inej. I can’t.”

 

            Betrayal burned against Inej’s cheeks, smarting the way a slap would. Her eyes felt watery as she stared at him, and he her. She thought she saw something flicker behind his resolute gaze, something softer, warmer. It was gone before she could reach out and capture it.

 

            His eyes watched as an angry tear slid down her cheek.

 

            “What are you asking of me, Kaz?” Inej asked, her voice was sharp and broken. He didn’t answer.

 

            “That’s it, isn’t it? You know what you’re asking me. You know.” Inej shuddered as the words fell from her tongue.

 

            “Inej, I can’t.” He said then. She saw his hands clench in his gloves as he unfolded his arms from across his chest.

 

            “You promised. You promised me, Kaz Brekker.” Inej nearly shouted. Kaz’s features tightened, he chewed on the side of his cheek as he lifted one dark eyebrow.

 

            “You made promises, too, didn’t you?” Kaz replied, sarcasm laced in venom.

 

            “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

 

            “You made me promise to remove my armor for you. A promise I have made to you each and every single day since. Now, I find this.” Kaz reached into his pocket, her letter hung crumpled and ruined from his leather clad fist.

 

            Inej watched as he dropped it to the ground.

 

            “What does that have to do with anything?” Inej glared at her own letter, the one she’d written in a terrible moment of fear and with more love in her heart than she’d ever thought possible. How could he just throw it away, like that? She understood his anger from only a sense that he didn’t want to wonder if she was coming back. She understood why he’d be angry that she’d written it, shown her own doubt.

 

            This, though? This didn’t make any sense. He had kept his promise. She didn’t follow the fire in his eyes. He wasn’t supposed to read it. It had… it had been just in case. In case she couldn’t come home. Fear splintered her lungs.

 

            “You wrote this,” He spat, “Instead of waking me up. You wrote it sitting beside me, crying, and on your fucking own, Inej. You kept your armor up. You hid all of it from me. You could have woken me. You could have fucking talked to me, for Ghezen’s sake!” He raged, but his voice remained even. He did not yell. She knew he never would again, with her.

 

            Inej opened her mouth but never got a chance to speak. He held up a hand to pause her.

 

            “No. You kept it all away from me. Ever since we got here, you’ve acted fine, Inej. You’ve barely uttered a word about this voyage even as I planned. You haven’t told me how afraid you were. You could have spent time with me, told me, as I sat right fucking next to you. Do you know what this would have done to me, Inej? Do you have any damn idea? If I’d read this, and you’d gotten on that ship, all confidence and struts, I would have never forgiven myself for not seeing how scared you were. You were right, I would have been pissed. I would have been so fucking pissed at ME. Not you.

 

            “I’ve always known how much you wanted me to learn to tell you things. I’ve been working on it for years, Inej. I will for the rest of my crooked fucking life, but for fucks sake pay me the same courtesy! I’ve given you the truth every single time you’ve asked if I was alright since we got here. About this house. This town. My aunt. All of it. I gave it to you because you are my best friend. My fiancé. My whole fucking world. I treated you like a partner. You are the person who taught me how to do that.

 

            “You didn’t treat me like one, though. You wrote this instead. You wrote this letter that fucking destroyed me, Inej. I felt like a failure. As a husband, a friend. You didn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth. What would I do, if I plan this and you don’t come back, now?

 

            “I’m telling you Inej that I can’t fucking do it. Not because I couldn’t keep the promise you asked me to make in this letter. I can keep that promise. I can keep going, because for once in my saints damned life, I feel like a whole person. I would mourn you, every day. I don’t want anyone else and I never will. I don’t give a single fuck about how dramatic it sounds. I know myself. It’s you and I Inej or it’s no one. No. I can’t do it, because now I know what you couldn’t say to me in earnest.

 

            “I’m stronger than you seem to think. What broke me is finding out from a piece of paper that you are terrified and opted to write it down from a future grave rather than ask me to be the support you need. I can’t make a plan for this knowing that you can’t even tell me the truth about how you’re feeling. I can’t make this plan, Inej. Not without you. Not unless we’re in it, together. I can’t watch you leave that way. I won’t make you stay. I wasn’t asking what you implied. I won’t take your freedom from you, it’s not something I can steal. All I’ve ever wanted to do was be a part of the life you chose, even if I didn’t deserve it.

 

            “I didn’t feel like we were stuck on letter ‘C’ until I was halfway up these stairs and realized you’d halted our steps to the next letter.” His chest rose and fell as he reached for his cane. Inej’s cheeks were hot with tears as he stormed out of the room. Walked away.

 

            No. No. No.

 

            “Kaz!” Inej called after him, she ran to cut him off in front of her new favorite window.

 

            If this window was a frame for beauty, it’s mirror from the outside was a frame of strife. A painting she’d title “Echoing Actions”.

 

            There they stood in front of one another, haloed by sunset sun rays. Feet separated them. More space. Too much space. Inej couldn’t step toward him again. He closed his eyes and took a breath.

 

            “I wanted… I didn’t want to add to everything.” Inej whispered brokenly. His eyes flashed open.

 

            “Stop trying to protect me. Stop acting like I can’t handle it, Inej. I’ve managed, haven’t I? Do you think I’m not pissing myself every single time I think of this plan failing? But I know how important it is to you. I couldn’t care less about the fact that it’s for the Pirate King of Ravka. I’m a selfish bastard but not with you. Not fucking with you.” Kaz’s eyes flashed gold in anger.

 

            Inej heaved a ragged breath as she listened to him. Heard him.

 

She’d left her armor on. She’d…. she’d not asked him about the plans. In trying to convince herself she was doing the right thing, she’d gone and jammed metal plates right in between them. She’d thought she was being a support for Kaz, when maybe, what they’d both needed was to lean on each other, now more than ever before.

 

            She’d needed him and instead of doing as she’d always preached, she’d tackled her fear alone, deep inside. She’d planned to do exactly as he said. She was going to walk onto her ship confidently, knowing a letter was left for Kaz. Only a letter instead of her voice. She should have… She should have done a lot of things, this past week.

 

            “You didn’t tell me you wanted to marry me in the Autumn. You didn’t tell me you wanted trees. You didn’t tell me you wanted to see the piano.” Kaz whispered in her silence. His words were small, shattered. Betrayed.

 

            Inej couldn’t find the right words. The apology she wanted to give. The heart in her chest was reaching its veined limbs toward him, yanking at her bone and flesh. Her mouth moved, her tongue felt like a brick. Her throat was lined in thorns and she ripped words free from the vines.

 

            “I want to see the piano.” She whispered, tears still marching hotly down her face.

 

            Kaz’s eyes darted to hers, searching and wet with hurt she’d never intended. Something about those words, the ones she hadn’t said before, they tore his expression wide open.

 

Then, his gaze fell to her lips and back again. He wanted to kiss her, she was sure of it. She wanted him to. She wanted to feel him. She wanted to obliterate this distance and start the night anew. She wanted.

 

She needed.

 

A moment passed as they stared at one another.

 

Kaz leaned his cane against the small table beneath the window. Then, without more than a look, his hands were cupping her cheeks. His mouth crashed against hers with more need than she’d ever known. His lips were demanding, pleading.

 

Kaz. Kaz. Kaz.

 

‘I love you’s fell from Inej’s throat against his mouth.

 

Inej’s hands found their way to his shirt, she rubbed them up his muscled sides, then around his lower back as she met him in his urgency. His tongue prodded her lips to part for him as his hands sank into her hair, gently twisting and tugging.

 

He didn’t seem to notice her still wet face through his gloves. His hands left her hair as he pulled away for them to only grab a single gasp of air. His hands traced over her shoulders, down her arms, until they were smoothing over her hips.

 

Kaz bit on her lower lip as his hands splayed over her ass and he tugged her up into him, lifting her right off the ground. Her legs wrapped around his middle as he held her up, gently squeezing her cheeks.

 

Inej’s mind had melted into nothing but reflections of Kaz. She wanted him. She wanted to kiss him just like this and damn the rest of it. Her arms wrapped around his neck and her fingers curled into his hair, urging a low rumble from his chest as he tugged her impossibly closer to him.

 

Had their fight happened?

 

She still needed to tell him. She was sorry. She had misstepped. She had hurt him.

 

No words could be said when Inej felt the way he shifted his hips against her burning center. She felt him, hard and desperate.

 

Kaz began to walk, but not toward the stairs. Inej broke from his mouth.

 

“If you say a damn word about my leg, we’re going to fight again.” He growled as his lips found her throat. A giggle bubbled from Inej’s throat as he tightened his hold on her.

 

“I love you.” Inej laughed as his steps paused on their mission to wherever he was taking her.

 

Kaz pulled from her neck to look at her, his eyes were clear and open for her to peer beneath their glassy surface. The sight nearly made her drop her legs from his waist. So much love was there, reflecting her in his irises. Her chest shook with the sheer force of the affection she found in his face.

 

“I love you, Inej. I’m not stopping. Also, I’m really fucking mad right now. Still, I want to make you laugh again.” He rasped as he hitched her higher on his hips.

 

“I’m sorry.” Inej whispered as she dragged one hand over the side of his face, fingers tracing his cheek bone.

 

“I know.” He replied. “We’re talking after.”

 

“After what?” Inej smiled softly.

 

“After I show you the bedroom.”

 

“Oh, I require I tour?” Inej giggled again as his lips pressed to the side of her mouth. His steps resumed.

 

“I should think so. Wouldn’t want you to get lost.” Kaz’s chuckle was dark and heady as he reclaimed her mouth.

 

            Kaz walked through the door on the left side of the hallway, and he gently set her back to her feet. He broke their kiss with a glance behind her. He wanted her to see the room.

 

            Inej turned around and found a room much larger than the one she’d first found him in. Across from her, more windows looked over the back of the house. Wheat fields stretched out in abundance, a dust of gold across the smooth slopes of land. In the distance, Inej could see the hill with Kaz’s family graves. Where they’d first encountered Emilia. More old curtains hung to the sides of the freshly cleaned panes of glass. In the center of the room against the wall was a large bed, made up with the spare linens she and Kaz had not used on their floor in the living room. On the far wall, the same warm red brick from the hearth below them was installed to form a second fireplace.

 

            “There was a bed up here?” Inej giggled as she turned back to Kaz. Sheepishly, he shrugged.

 

            “I’d had the caretaker bring a mattress in last year, when I first thought about us coming here. It’s not as nice as what we have in our flat, but it’ll do. It’s why… It’s why I came up here earlier. I had to… I had to face it.” Kaz rasped and Inej turned back to look at the bed.

 

            Kaz limped toward her and his arms wrapped around her waist from behind, he moved a hand to brush her hair over one shoulder. Inej leaned back into him with a delighted sigh as his lips began to trace her throat. He was clearly not forgetting his earlier promise.

 

            “Kaz?” Inej whispered through a slight moan as his teeth grazed her earlobe.

 

            “Hmm?”

 

            “This… this wasn’t your parents room, was it?” Inej flushed as Kaz’s chuckle grazed her ear.

 

            “No. Theirs was the room across the hall. This room was my Da’s office, he had to keep all the harvest receipts and such somewhere. Jordie was probably going to get it when he was fifteen.”

 

            “Good.” Inej nodded dumbly as his lips continued to explore. One of his trickster hands had begun sliding under her shirt, drawing patterns on her stomach.

 

            “Why is that?” He rumbled against her.

 

            “I didn’t much like the idea of taking their son’s clothes off in the place where he was conceived.” Inej said seriously.

 

            At that, Kaz was laughing against her, his smile pressed into her shoulder as he shook.

 

            “Say that sentence again.”

 

            “No.” Inej giggled.

 

            “Please?”

 

            “No.”

 

            He began tickling her.

 

            “No!” Inej giggled as he scooped her up and dropped her on the bed.

 

            “I’m mad at you, remember?” Kaz laughed as she squirmed.

 

            “No! Please!” Inej gasped as he finally ceased.

 

            He laid beside her on the bed, both of them facing the ceiling and horizontal rather than vertical across the mattress.

 

            His hand found hers against the sheets as their laughter began to calm. His gloves had somehow been lost.

 

            “Kaz?”

 

            “Yes?” He turned his face to look at her. His saints-damned dimple was showing.

 

            “I’m going to take your clothes off in a place adjacent to where you were conceived.”

 

            His laughter filled the room once more, and as Inej gazed at the ceiling streaked in the red of the dying day, she felt like it was possible.

 

            They may not have crossed every intimate boundary they wanted to, but soon, those demons may be slayed. They may not have a smooth road ahead. But someday, that road just might lead back to this room. To this moment. A full circle.

 

            “Autumn?” Kaz asked her breathlessly as his laughs faded.

 

            “Yes.” Inej smiled up at the ceiling. His hand squeezed hers. She had a date in mind.

 

            “October?” Kaz suggested. Inej shook her head as she sat up. Kaz didn’t move as she swung her leg over him to sit astride him.

 

            His hands splayed on her thighs as he looked up at her. Inej needed to tell him this, now.

 

            “September.” She whispered as she reached to push a strand of his hair off his forehead. “September the seventh.”

 

            Kaz’s eyes widened as he looked up at her. She’d found that date in one of their many games of “tell me something I do not know”. She’d remembered, all these months.

 

            “Jordie’s birthday.” Kaz’s voice was less a whisper than an exhale.

 

            “Is that alright?” Inej searched his face. His eyes softened.

 

            Kaz looked at her for a long moment before he shifted himself to sit up with her where she still sat upon his lap.

 

            “I would not have it be any other day.” He answered honestly as he looked her in the eye.

 

            Then, a kiss began and did not end until the sun became too bashful to watch on, and instead, let the moon lay his radiant hands against her body and soul.

Notes:

Socials!:

tiktok: @ravenyenn19

tumblr: @ravenyenn19

come say hi!

SO. SO. I know this was a little unexpected, but I hope I weaved it properly because I always planned to have this fight here, because as much as Inej is perfect, she also is not perfect. Like Kaz, she makes mistakes, too. I felt it was important to acknowledge Kaz being on the other end of one of these battles, and if you go back, I hope you can see the hints I left about Inej kind of "avoiding" talking or thinking about this mission. Anyways... the next one may or may not be the spice. ;) I love you guys and I just... this was rough to write. Kaz truly hurt and angry is a tough thing to write but I hope I did okay. Anyways, chat with me? PLEASE i miss you.

PS- I'm sorry if this one is a little rough, too. I had less editing time because I've been writing a lot more to try and get back into my regular uploads. <3

Chapter 139: A Promise Forged In Fire

Summary:

A needed conversation. A step.

Notes:

Chapter 139!!!!!

GUYS. HELLO. HI. I MISSED YOU. BUT!!!! I am back with a doozy of a chapter. 8500 words with part 2 following tomorrow. OOF. Okay. Well. This one is a lot, and perhaps one of the most special chapters I think I've ever written, at least for me. The second part of this one even more so. I hope you love it. I really really do. I hope you read the end notes, too. <3 Happy reading. I hope it brings some light to your day.

On a more serious note, I wanted to extend my most serious hope for everyones safety. I'm not sure if I have an readers from Ukraine, or any with family or loved ones in Ukraine, but my heart and soul is with you. If no one has told you, I'm so sorry that the world has come to this place, that you've been put in danger. I wish with everything inside me that I could personally open my apartment to anyone in need of safety. I wish I could offer you coffee and give you my netflix password and every book I own and just let you be here. I hope you are all safe, and if any of you need someone to talk to, my DMs on tumblr and my comment section here is always open. I'm going to be doing my best to check them every morning. If there's anything I can do, please let me know. I know this world is a scary place right now, but I hope I can offer at least some words to help, even if it is not much.

I love you guys, and this invitation is open to anyone. If you are LGBTQIA+ in Texas right now, if you're just in a bad spot, I'm always here. You all feel like friends and I'll do anything I can to be one in return.

Thank you for everything. Thank you for supporting my work, for being patient, and for loving Kaz & Inej as much as I do. Thank you eternally. I never cease to pinch myself at least once a day that people are reading what I write. It means more to me than I could ever possibly hope to convey. <3

I'd love to hear from you guys. This one filled me with a lot of doubt, but I wanted to get it out for you all. I am proud of it and I just hope you guys see something special in it. I love you and can't wait to chat (I've set aside some time tomorrow to hopefully be in the comments responding to any I get!)

"City of Stars" by Ryan Gosling & Emma Stone (piano riff, not lyrics. You'll understand) ALSO "I'll be seeing you" by Billie Holiday (YOU'LL SEE WHY) PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LISTEN TO ONE OR BOTH. I COULDN'T CHOOSE.

INEJ

 

            Inej rubbed a towel over her hair as she stood in front of the iron-framed bathroom mirror. She looked at the little maroon silk cosmetic pouch on the counter and the fresh clothes that she’d draped over the old, slightly-askew towel bar.

 

            Her mind was as fogged as the mirror. This afternoon had left her emotions flickering like a candle against a hurricane. After Kaz had shown her the bedroom upstairs, and after they’d decided on a date for their wedding- a thought that sent butterflies skittering in her abdomen- her stomach had rumbled so loudly that he’d not been able to stop laughing. Their kisses had come to an abrupt halt. Inej had been left feeling unsatisfied and cranky, though she knew herself well enough to understand that it also had to do with the fact that she’d barely eaten today, save for an apple and peanut butter that morning. She’d missed lunch with Emilia. Stupid spoiled cream.

 

            Kaz had been the one to straighten himself from her. She’d seen his eyes flash in longing at her half-unbuttoned shirt. She’d also seen his stubbornness. Kaz had said they needed to talk, and realistically, Inej knew she shouldn’t have wanted to skip that part. Fear had flittered about her shoulders, telling her a talk wasn’t necessary in its slithery and lying voice. 

 

She also hadn’t expected Kaz’s kiss at the top of the stairs, a kiss that had left her empty of fear and brimming with love and lust in equal parts.

 

It had been as if the moment she’d let her armor down for Kaz, he had surged in before the opening could close. He’d seized hold of her heart and cradled it against himself, protective and fierce against her ever-looming fear.

 

An escape artist he may be, but kind infiltration had been his want. His need. What he’d needed from her. What he’d asked of her. What she’d unconsciously been denying for days. No, that wasn’t quite right.Her actions had been conscious; it had been the repercussions against Kaz that she’d not thought of.

 

Now, Inej was freshly showered. Kaz had asked her to have dinner with him. Inej didn’t know what had happened in between the moments his lips had left hers and the next, but she’d watched as he collected himself. He’d still been eyeing her lips, but he’d retreated somewhere she couldn’t follow, somewhere inside himself. She’d still been able to spy a lingering hurt under his lustful gaze, a need for clarification only she could give.

 

“I want to talk. You need to eat.” That had been what he’d said as he stood in the quickly darkening doorway of the bedroom upstairs. It had been curt, flustered almost. Inej had designed her lips into a small sort of smile, despite how badly she hadn’t wanted him to pull away. Not after kisses like the ones that had taken them until well after sunset. Neither of them had actually moved farther than that. Inej thought they’d both known that the fire beneath their skin, the urgency, could not be released. Not yet.

 

Inej didn’t want to admit to herself that she was glad he’d pulled away, too. She had hidden from him. She had made a mistake. She wanted to speak plainly with him, as they always had. He was angry. Even after those kisses, she’d felt it bristling still within him. It was possible for love and anger to exist in the same space, for how many times had Inej also found herself in Kaz’s position, when he hid from her?

 

Even if her entire body still felt warm to the touch. Even if she could still feel the phantom of his kisses on her throat, feel his hands as they’d drug over her hips.

 

It had felt… free. That’s what Kaz’s kiss upstairs had felt like. It hadn’t quite felt like he’d forgiven her, but rather that he’d been holding himself back from her and the moment she’d shown herself to him, ripped a few simple words out of her chest, he’d stopped holding back.

 

Inej had not felt fear as she’d pondered the idea of… trying, with Kaz. Upstairs, that is the direction she’d felt her heart pointing. She wanted him, Saints, she wanted to love him as much physically as she did in every other possible way. She didn’t know when, but that time had begun to feel closer. That possibility more attainable.

 

But, now, she needed to do as he’d asked. She knew herself. If they’d brought anything further than their kisses to that moment, her mind would have betrayed her. If not in the form of silken demons, then in the form of wrongness. She never wanted the intimate moments between them to be tainted from words left unsaid or problems unresolved. Inej wouldn’t have been able to do it, and she knew Kaz had understood that.

 

He’d made the choice for her as he’d asked her to meet him in the kitchen when she was ready. He was making food, but Inej had no idea what he’d had in mind. Today, before they’d started on the road to the farm from Lij, Kaz had stopped into the small grocers on the main street while Inej had waited on the cart with Ally. She’d seen some fruit in the top of his bag, but that was all.

 

Inej sighed as she hung her towel on the hook. She glanced back at the clothes she’d dug from her bag. Nina would be rejoicing. Jesper would, too. Inej hadn’t known what inspired her to pack these frivolous unworn things she’d spent good kruge on in a bout of self-indulgence while at port on her last voyage.

 

Actually, she knew exactly what had inspired the purchase. Who. Kaz. It had been during a time of beautiful hope for their future and Inej had seen these things, and immediately, she’d thought of Kaz. Her avri. What odd facial expression might he make, to see Inej in something besides leggings. He’d never seen her in a true skirt, not even the silks she’d worn in Ravka had been without pants.

 

It was not the kind of clothing Inej would ever wear for any purpose beyond making Kaz’s eyebrow do the thing it did when he was trying to suppress delight. A lift, a fall, and as telling as his crooked smirk.

 

A dress. A dress that was not Kerch fashion, but rather that of springs and summers in Noyvi Zem. It was not bustling or modest. Instead, it was simple and cobalt blue satin. Long enough to dust her calves, and scooped low around the neck with small capped sleeves. It had been the sleeves that had drawn Inej’s eyes, for they had Zemini embroidery of lotus blossoms and small dragonflies, all stitched in delicate mother of pearl baubles. It was not the type of thing Inej ever wore. It was also exactly the only dress Inej had ever wanted to wear. For months, it had sat hidden at the bottom of her trunk on The Wraith. She’d never found a reason to fish it out, and some days, she’d admonished herself for purchasing a thing she’d never wear. On other days, she pulled it out and held it against her body in the mirror, longing to slip the fabric over her skin and spin like a young girl again.

 

Yet, here. Lij. Inej was not captain or Wraith or Lynx. She was just as she was. Inej Ghafa. A woman who wanted to make her fiancé smile, even if she knew he’d never expected to see her in a skirt. Here, there was no Nani begging for her to be more feminine. No, this dress had always felt different.

 

It was not fancy. It was not the common fashion. It was made for comfort, with just a bit of beauty that Inej had not been able to resist. A subtle sort of finery that begged for eyes to snag for just a moment.

 

Inej dropped the towel from her chest and reached for the dress. She heaved a breath and resisted the urge to creep toward their bags in the living room and fish out Kaz’s sweater instead.

 

Not today. Today, Inej was apologizing. Inej Ghafa was taking Kaz’s hand and letting him walk them to the next letter, even if it terrified her.

 

 

KAZ

 

            Had he put in too many pinches of flour? Or was it the egg? Had he not beaten it enough? They had very few cooking utensils that they’d bought in town, perhaps he should have bought a whisk. Fuck.

 

            Kaz glanced back at the loops of script on the card in his hand. He frowned at the bread in the pan. Then, miraculously, it began to raise, just slightly. He’d fucking done it.

 

            If only Jesper were here to see him now, standing over bread in triumph. The jokes would never cease.

 

            Kaz swallowed as he looked over his shoulder. He’d bought more candles at the grocers, a common commodity needed in the country side as much as the city. He had also bought a spare tin of oil for the lantern fixtures. He didn’t know why he’d felt the need to keep the farm lit up, but now that he was here, he wanted to have it the way it had been in his childhood. Warm, bright, even in the evening.

 

            Kaz had adjusted Inej’s tulips to the windowsill and instead set a cluster of candlesticks in the center of the table, better for viewing across its old oaken surface. He would sit across from her. He had to, or his stupid fucking hands were going to be all over her.

 

            Walking away from her upstairs had been… difficult. That was putting it mildly. Something about her admission, there in the hazy sunset light, it had unlocked him. Quickly, completely, recklessly. No, it had gone and fucking shattered the lock in its entirety.

 

            Then, on that bed in the room he’d chosen between all three, she’d asked to marry him on his brother’s birthday. In that moment, when Inej had been the one to kneel, fully astride him, he’d only felt a full tidal wave of “yes” smashing against his chest.

 

            Jordie’s voice no longer grazed his ears on a daily basis, but in that slip of time, he’d heard his brother’s cheers in the sleepy sunlight, in the clap of aspen trees outside the cracked window.

 

            Fishing the bottle of peach kvas from his satchel, Kaz used his pocket knife to uncork the sweet wine. One of Inej’s favorites. He’d bought it at the shop in town, hoping that Inej would be feeling well by dinner. That had been before her letter. Before their show off in his childhood bedroom, and before he’d seen her fear shining naked and raw on her face.

 

            He’d meant every word he said to her. Including the ones about needing her to take her walls down. He’d tried, subconsciously, for days to rip them down. These were walls she had to choose to lower, though. Kaz had recognized it upstairs. He could nudge her, ask her, beg her on his hands and one good knee, but in the end…they were the same.

 

            In so many ways, he and Inej differed, and yet… here, they shared the same heated ingredients. The same bold mettle that only could be offered, never taken. His own fears, his hermit nature, his armor, still existed. On certain days, Kaz felt like ripping his own tongue out rather than wagging it in communication to her, but he forced himself to do it. Forced, in a good way.

 

            Kaz Brekker had changed and he damn well wasn’t going to let himself slide backwards. Kaz’s entire life had been an upward trajectory, at least professionally. Personally, he now could only accept the same.

 

            The way Inej had looked, her lips swollen from the bites he’d left there, it had forced him to back up. Back away. He remembered standing in a morgue with Nina, before the auction those years ago. He remembered the memory of Inej’s voice quivering against his thoughts, and how he’d refused to let that memory be tainted with the scent of death. That sweet and rotten scent that once smelled, was never forgotten.

 

            The moment upstairs had almost been the same. He’d wanted nothing more but to sink into the darkness with Inej, the sky cluttered with stars only made of the glint in her eyes against the black of a spring night. He couldn’t, though. He couldn’t let that moment be tainted with any anger, any hurt.

 

            He couldn’t be selfish with her.

 

            It would have been that. Selfish. It would have been selfish to seek solace for his wounds in her arms when she’d inflicted them herself. It would have been selfish to proffer false forgiveness in the blanket of lust when he knew himself well enough to know that his hurt would taint every kiss, every sound from her lips. Once that room flooded with light, he knew he’d still need answers, and she wouldn’t know. His actions would have lied, and if Kaz was one thing to Inej, he wanted to be her beacon of honesty, as he’d always been.

 

            As he’d always strived to be, anyhow. No kind lies.

 

Done were the days where he could shield his tremors of emotion under his sedimentary surface, for she was sensitive enough to gravity to feel his shiver beneath her.

 

Kaz glanced at the bread in the pan, now perfectly golden. He’d gotten it right. He could get this right, too. Kaz had to. He’d meant it when he’d said that as it was, he could not help her sail unto the Pearl Coast. Not like this.

 

He couldn’t send his heart away on the tide if he couldn’t trust it’s judgement. After her letter, he didn’t. His sea was wild, but if she could not sway to him, he could not gravitate toward her.

 

Kaz felt off balance. Hurt. His feelings were… hurt. Fucking stupid organ in his chest.

 

A winded breath escaped his lips as he settled the bottle on the table and removed the pan from above the flame on the old stove. He glanced at the doorway, waiting for her appearance. He’d heard the water in the shower tap turn off over half a bell ago. Was she not ready? Was Inej nervous, just to speak to him as she’d always done?

 

Hadn’t he proved he could listen? Had he missed something, a fissure between them between Ketterdam and Lij? What had changed? When had he not been her most trusted confidant, friend?

 

Had he misstepped? Leaned too hard and too long on her shoulders in the face of his own misshapen fears and the discovery of Emilia?

 

No. No he hadn’t. Partners. That’s what partners did for each other.Kaz breathed a second frustrated sigh as he set the pan back to the stove above the dwindling flames. It wasn’t going to be warm if she didn’t come in here, soon. All of his thoughts were scattered about, half of him nervous, a quarter full of so much want he thought he should have listened to the organs further south of the heart in his chest or the head upon his shoulders. A quarter angry, bitter, that she, his Inej, had sought to hide her demons from him, her fear and pain. She couldn’t, not with him.

 

“Fuck it,”Kaz thought as he took a swig of the kvas straight from the bottle, bubbles descending eagerly down his throat. He winced at the sweetness before savoring the slight bite of the spirits. He turned back to the stove to flip the bread, the recipe was specific. Too much brown on one side could ruin the entirety of the meal. The green bottle still dangled from his fingers by the neck.

 

            His hands still itched, just to have Inej near. Just to run his bare fingers through her hair. Just to inhale that smoky scent of nightblooms and pine from her skin. A bath for the innards of him, sweet and not, perfect. Home.

 

            His body had recoiled from his mind when he’d walked away from her. He’d wanted nothing more than to attack the barriers between them that he could, those of stitches and fabric, but it wouldn’t have meant anything if her armor had been found behind her rich brown eyes.

 

            A few more minutes, Kaz argued with himself. He’d give her a few more minutes before he walked to the bathroom and checked on her. What if she wasn’t feeling well again? Maybe he should…

 

            A cluster of lightning bolts began in the base of his spine, shooting upwards and out, then down to his toes, through the pads of his bare fingertips.

 

            Inej.

 

            Kaz turned around from the stove, as he ran a hand over the side of his hair, already prepping some easy quip to draw her nearer on the wire between them.

 

            His hand stopped halfway across his hair as he stared. Stared, bewildered. Mesmerized.

 

            Inej in cobalt blue satin. Not silk. Not pants. Decidedly, not pants.

 

            A swash of fabric hugged to her hips and flared slightly until it spilled around bare bronze calves. Bare feet. Long black hair that was tied behind one ear and cascaded toward her waist in a waterfall of onyx ink. Pearlescent beads on the little sleeves caught the candle light as she shifted a shoulder.

 

            No bindings. He could see the tips of her breasts, hardened in the chill outside the presumably warm bathroom. The dress did nothing if not advertise the subtle swell of her chest, her lithe hips, strong thighs. Yet, it was simple. It was not revealing on the surface… it was just… it was Inej.

 

            Dress. Inej in a dress.

 

            Fucking Ghezen. Alright. Alright Brekker, don’t drop the fucking wine. Do not move or she’ll move and you’ll be forced to toss the dinner in the bin and walk straight toward her. Don’t let her turn around. Absolutely not.

 

            He wished he hadn’t showered and shaved earlier that afternoon as she’d slept. He could use some cold water, right about now.

 

            Kaz’s eyes finally snagged on her face. Her eyes were simmering in unrestrained amusement under black lashes dusted in a bit of coal. Her nose ring was in.

 

            Fuck, he’d missed that. She could wear it every day? Maybe he’d beg. Maybe he’d damn well go find a fucking shaman of some sorts in the middle of the night and convert to religion if she asked him. Wasn’t that how it worked?

 

            Her lips tilted in a shy sort of smile. They looked deeper, plusher. Was her mouth always like that? Yes, he knew those lips. Right now, he wanted to know them better.

 

            “Sorry I took so long.” Inej said softly as she gave a little twist to the engagement ring on her left hand.

 

Damnit. He’d put that metal there and some archaic part of him rejoiced that no other bastard could ever place that mark on the brightness before him. She’d call him primal if she heard the thought. She’d also flush if she knew just how fucking much he wanted to pull her toward him right now and slide his possessive hands over every inch of her.

 

“Dress.” Kaz’s dumb fucking mouth decided to say in response.

 

Inej’s smile widened. “Yes. If you ever tell anyone you saw me in one, I’ll filet you with Sankt Petyr.”

 

“Good.” Kaz nodded seriously, his eyes greedily snatching on her each breath.

 

Her chuckle startled him back to her face.

 

“Why good?” She asked.

 

“Because I will absolutely never tell anyone about this dress. This is mine.” Kaz replied with no doubt at all.

 

“Yours?” Inej smirked.

 

“Well, yours too. Of course I won’t stop you from wearing whatever you want, when you want, but…” Kaz’s jaw clicked shut as she took a step further into the room.

 

“But you don’t want to share this one.” Inej finished for him as she took a small spin, blue fabric fluttering around her legs. Cute. It was cute.

 

She eyed the table laden with candles, the ridiculous bottle of wine still hanging limply at his side. He nodded, breath sharply leaking from his mouth.

 

Talk. They needed to talk.

 

Was that why Inej had worn the dress? Was she…. No. Inej wouldn’t distract him like that. She couldn’t.

 

“I bought it for you.” Inej twisted a strand of her hair around a finger before letting the silky wave drop as she glanced over at him.

 

“I thought we decided blue wasn’t my color when I borrowed that shirt from Jes?” Kaz quipped. He swallowed when it earned him a soft snicker from her lips.

 

“What are we eating?” Inej sniffed the air, a brow lifting. “It smells… it smells like…”

 

“Pan Bread.” Kaz finally managed to set the wine bottle on the table before he set about removing the dish from the stove. “We have spiced vegetables alongside it, asparagus and potatoes, what was available at the grocers. They had no fresh chicken so I had to improvise a bit, but I hope it will do.”

 

“Pan bread.” Inej squeaked behind him. He did not turn to assess her face. “Kaz, how?”

 

“I asked your mother to write down the recipe for me before we left Ravka. Now was just the right time to use it.” Kaz dug in his pocket for the small piece of parchment and held it up over his shoulder to display it to Inej, Sharya Ghafa’s writing looped and precise on one side of the note.

 

“Kaz.” Inej whispered. He felt her closer to him now, then he felt the light, permission seeking touch of her fingers on his lower back through his vest. He swallowed again as he began to divvy the bread up onto their plates.

 

“Not right now, please.” Kaz said the words with nails in his throat. It had to be done. He couldn’t touch her right now. Not until they’d cleared the air. Her dress, her beauty and her happiness… it was too much again.

 

Her letter’s words still stung against his consciousness. Talk. He couldn’t continue without her words. Her honesty.

 

This afternoon, for the first time in quite a long time, Kaz had felt alone. He didn’t want that feeling to fester, to infect her touch.

 

Inej’s fingers dropped immediately from him as she took a step back. She’d never cross his boundaries when he requested them, just as he never would with her.

 

“It’s not because I can’t handle it.” Kaz found himself explaining, pausing his preparation of their plates. He still did not turn to look at her, but he felt her patient attention on his back. He needed her to understand.

 

“Then what is it?” Inej asked quietly, no hint of anger in her tone. No judgement. He wanted to kiss her just for that alone.

 

His shoulders rolled back as he stared down at his bare hands gripping the kitchen counter. His knuckles were white. He still did not turn to look at her, if he did, he didn’t know if the truth would come as easily.

 

“If you touch me right now, Inej, I’ll touch you back. Right now, I can’t do that. I shouldn’t have upstairs. Not when… not when it doesn’t feel right. And it doesn’t feel right to me. Not when I’m pissed off and not when I can tell you’re hesitant to even talk to me.” His throat bobbed as he dropped his hands from the counter and resumed plating the bread.

 

“You regret kissing me upstairs?” Inej asked after a long moment.

 

He heard her fear, the smallest quiver in her words as they shot from the bowstring of her vocal chords. Kaz’s first instinct was to rectify it, stop her hurt. Protect.

 

“No.” He shook his head sharply. How could he regret a kiss like that? No, that’s not what he meant. “I regret not realizing how many fears you’d been hiding from me. I regret not talking about it sooner.”

 

Kaz turned around and set the food on the table before wiping his hands on a rag and tossing it back to the counter. His eyes carefully avoided the indigo hue of her.

 

Then, Kaz leaned back against the counter and chipped some courage off his heart to look at her, eye to eye. Inej was nodding softly, his words making their rounds around her own mind.

 

“I’m sorry.” Inej said then, her chin lifting and her hands loose at her sides.

 

“Eat with me?” Kaz asked with a gesture to the table. He wanted to say he forgave her, but he couldn’t. Not yet. He needed to understand, first. Why hadn’t she spoke to him?

 

Inej nodded and after a few moments, they were both seated across from one another, candles flickering between them. Kaz poured her a glass of kvas and slid it across the table as she took her first bite of the pan bread he’d tried desperately to recreate from her home in Aska Vasman.

 

“It’s good. I almost can’t tell a difference.” Inej smiled across the table.

 

“Almost?” Kaz smirked as he cut into his own meal.

 

“Saffron. The spice.” Inej flicked a wrist.

 

Kaz sighed as he looked over at the counter where a sealed packet of saffron from Sharya Ghafa sat beside the stove. He’d forgotten it. Inej followed his gaze and let out a tiny laugh.

 

“Yes well, for your first attempt it is most remarkable, Kaz.” She smiled again and Kaz let his shoulders loosen a fraction.

 

“Sarcasm, Wraith.” He mused with a chuckle of his own.

 

“Look, you already know I almost burned down the wagon when my mother let me make an attempt. Here we are, house still standing, mera chaar.” She swirled the kvas around in her glass before raising it slightly in toast to his victory.

 

Kaz’s eyes had begun to trail down the arch of her neck to her collar bones, heightened in the warm lighting. He demanded his eyes back to his plate.

 

“You won’t look at me for longer than a moment.” Inej muttered quietly, the prongs of her fork scraping her plate.

 

She wasn’t wrong. He wantedto look. He wanted to stare.

 

The woman sitting before him was crafted from the bronze-touched stars of twilight and the heady blackness between blinks in the sun. Inej was all the ordinary things that the poets had declared magic ages ago.

 

“Tell me something I do not know.” Kaz rasped in response, his eyes flickering just to get caught on hers.

 

Inej leaned back slightly in her seat, her posture still perfect as always.

 

“Will you play too, then?” She asked softly, eyes almost begging. Inej had never been nervous to play the game, but now, she saw it for what it was. He knew she did. It was Kaz’s way of inviting her to tell him her fears, the truths she’d sought to keep hidden inside of herself in order to protect him.

 

The last part still made his blood boil.

 

“Have I ever not?” Kaz replied and reached for a sip of his own wine.

 

The answer seemed to satisfy Inej enough as she took a near silent breath of air deep into her lungs.

 

“I keep wondering if I’m doing the right thing, Kaz. I never wondered before, on any of my previous voyages.” She whispered.

 

            He waited for her to continue.

 

            “It’s just… this is right. Saving people is what I feel the Saints have always guided my arrow toward. What I aimed for. But…” Inej was folding and unfolding a napkin beside her plate. Inej didn’t tend to fuss, didn’t tend to be afraid of words in general. Kaz however was familiar with grasping for words that did not seem keen on being caught. Perhaps, he could aid in the effort.

 

            “What changed?” Kaz asked calmly, hoping to anchor rather than flood.

 

            Inej looked thoughtful for a moment, chewing on her cheek.

 

            “Nothing did. Not… nothing changed my mind. I still refuse to let innocent people suffer as I have, as my family did in my absence. Especially at the hands of Kane De Vries. I cannot let him continue on.” Inej said the words with vigor, but Kaz couldn’t tell if the words were to convince him or herself.

 

            “Then why do you wonder, Inej? If this is the right thing, if there is no part of you not seeking to end Kane, then what is the hesitation?” Kaz asked. He had an idea, but he needed her to voice it to him. He needed her to let him in, let him walk with her through the pit.It had to be her choice.

 

            “I’ve given you two truths.” Inej said in a whisper. She did not look at him.

 

            Kaz took the hit to his gut with grace, he was not giving up. It was her game, if playing it made her feel better, he’d do it. It was his suggestion after all.

 

He would reach her behind those iron gates between them. She’d done the same for him, too many times to count. If only he had her skills as the Wraith. Where she had slipped silently through holes in his armor on soft feet, he was climbing her walls with a lame leg and making a whole lot of noise on the way.

 

Now, he’d give her a truth to rival her own.

 

            “I find myself actually enjoying Emilia’s company.” He said, waving flames of bravado into his otherwise shaking voice. Inej’s eyes flashed to his across the table. She waited, just as he had.

 

            “She knows things that she couldn’t possibly know if she hadn’t been as close to my parents as she claims. She told me the story of how my parents met, and every single moment of it felt like a fucking gift, Inej. It terrified me.” Kaz sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

 

            “Do you… do you think you want to tell her about… everything?” Inej waved a brown wrist between them and generally towards the world.

 

            “I know she won’t ask. It unnerves me how much she has not pried into my life, not once tried to overstep. At first, I was wary. Now, I think she has just… she decided to leave it up to me.” Kaz shrugged as he took another sip of wine.

 

            “It’s because she doesn’t want to watch you walk away, Kaz. Have you thought about it? What it must have been like? To come home from eleven years of physical and psychological torture, expecting to find a family happy to see you?” Inej paused as his gaze once again latched on hers. “Because I have. I thought about it every day in the Menagerie, that if my parents had died while I’d been indentured, or with the Dregs… that acute agony could have been enough to shake my spirit from my body. Imagining it did. I was lucky. I had you. I had a family to return to. Emilia… she was not.” She finished, voice trembling. “Of course she won’t overstep. She only just got one part of her family back.”

 

            Kaz’s breath lodged like a brick in his throat. No, he’d not really stopped to consider that, but of course Inej had. Inej had seen some sense of herself in Emilia, in more ways than one. Kaz had resigned himself to a life lacking family so long ago that that pain had never… he didn’t think it could be more real than it already had been to him.

 

            “Why did it take her so long to murder him? Her husband? Why didn’t she do it and come back sooner?” Kaz voiced to Inej, the one answer he’d not been able to find finally being let out into the world. His one fragile doubt.

 

            “I think you’ll have to ask her, Kaz.” Inej said gently.

 

            Kaz chewed her words. Swallowed them and nodded. She wasn’t wrong. Inej rarely was, and he was a lucky bastard to know it.

 

            “Your turn.” Kaz said as he watched her flick her hair behind her shoulder, displaying more of her delicate collar bones. He tried to ignore the ache inside him that begged him to reach his hand across the table to her, to touch her.

 

            How long had he denied himself that simple pleasure of her hand in his? How long had it been now, since he’d last denied his urge for physical connection to her? He fucking loathed  it, now.

 

            “You asked what made me hesitate, now.” Inej began carefully, a fingertip tracing her wine glass. Kaz nodded once in encouragement.

 

            “Everything, Kaz. Everything.” Her eyes had become thin panes of watery glass; her cheeks had flushed in uncertainty. Kaz’s gut took another hit, watching her struggle from across the table.

 

            “Tell me, Inej. Please, just tell me.” He whispered, hands clenched in fists against the table. He’d beg at this point, just to make the world sit right again.

 

            Inej’s eyes closed for a moment as she gulped another deep breath. “I wrote that letter because for the first time, coming home seemed like the lesser chance. All around us Kaz, this… this life we’ve somehow built from the fucking bottom of your harbor and my pit of scratchy bed sheets… it’s taken so much effort, love and… I can see more of it.” Inej’s voice broke.

 

            “I can see a life for us, Kaz. I can see a wedding day and… and planted geraniums. I can see my hair streaking with gray like my Nani’s someday and still wearing this ring like a fucking crown because it’s an honor.” Inej gazed at her engagement ring, the gem leaning towards sapphire in the light. Kaz’s heart twisted in his chest.

 

            “I can see this house, someday. I don’t know if you can. I don’t know that you want to. I just… but  what if? What if someday, we could live another life? A safer one? A steadier course for our sails, mera chaar? I wrote that letter because I wanted some part of me to stay with you, no matter what. I wanted you to know I could see it, all of our pages yet to be filled.

 

            “I was so afraid to tell you. Afraid you’d look me in the eye and make me believe in myself as you always do. Part of me didn’t want that courage. We’ve always taken risks, Kaz, I know that. I know it’s what we do, what we must do, so much of the time. But for one moment, I wondered if I’m too afraid to risk us. I wondered if I could turn my back on the many so that I, the one, may live. Turn my back on innocent people to whom I could very well be their only hope at a way out.”

 

            Inej’s eyes were rimming with silver as she held his gaze. His throat constricted impossibly tighter. This is what it was, her grave truth. Inej’s version of guilt. Inej’s version of selfish. All because she wanted to  live.

 

            “I didn’t want you to see how selfish I could be, Kaz. I was selfish. I didn’t want you to see my doubt, my shame, my fear. As faithful as I am to the Saints, I wondered if they chose the wrong woman to shake the world of slavers. If perhaps I was worse than all of them, having the chance at changing everything and yet still be considering turning my back on the world.

 

            “Then we came here and… and then Emilia was here. Real and someone you’d never known but… I could see it. The similarity between the two of you. The bond that could someday make itself known. It made me want to think of you. Think of life without this voyage… just for a little while. I’ve been telling myself that for days, Kaz. ‘Just for a little while, I can ignore it. I can still be alive.’”

 

            Kaz sucked in a breath as her chin dipped down, her eyes turning away from his. Shame coated her beautiful face, rolled over the table toward him and lanced his lungs with force he’d never known.  

 

            “Who am I Kaz? What if I don’t come back? Worse, what if I’m all that does? Lives will be lost. There is no question. I have led my crew for two years and I know how much I value each and every one of their lives. Now, we’re adding the Queen of a country that needs her. We’re adding Nikolai’s men. We’re adding innocents that could be harmed in the fall out, far more than those on one ship. So many more. An entire fucking island of terrified people, grisha and not. Nina. Kaz, Nina. Nina will be there. I can’t… if I mess this up, if we mess this up….”

 

            Inej was shaking in her chair, a choked noise escaped her lips as she dropped her head into her hands, elbows on the table. Her cry was so small that Kaz wondered now how he hadn’t woken when she’d cried as she’d written that letter.

 

That noise was like a bomb to him, a terrifying ‘boom’ in his reality that sent his haunches up and his fists ready to pummel whatever threatened that noise out of her.

 

            “Inej.” Kaz said to her. He wanted to go to her. He wanted to fucking rip this table that meant so much to him to shreds, just to reach her.

 

            He had to reach her with his words, first. She had to know. She had to know she didn’t need to carry this all alone. Her burdens could be shouldered with him.

 

            “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” She whispered as she furiously wiped her hands on her face, carefully trying to keep the little bit of coal in place. “If I’d told you how… how much doubt I harbored, I worried how much more pressure was going to be on you. How much more perfect you’d attempt to plan this infiltration. There’s so many stupid fucking pieces, Kaz. So many.” She whispered.

 

            Inej cursing always pointed his direction to her eyes. It was never a good sign unless it was whimpered into his skin amongst sheets and in far further stages of undress.

 

            “Inej.” He said once more. Her mouth clicked shut even as her breath still remained uneven. Her pupils were blown wide as she connected her eyes to his. Just as he’d thought.

 

            “I forgive you.” Kaz said and he watched as her upper body lifted in another deep breath.  She looked as if she were about to speak, but Kaz had snatched his words and they were not going to be contained.

 

            “Inej, you are not selfish. You are, in fact, the least selfish person I have ever encountered. You are brave, capable, smart and terrifying. I will not let you forget it, not today, not in thirty years. Once I would have joked that it was impossible that we’d live that long, but I’m fucking quitting with that. I want to know what it’s like to plan more than a month out. I want to know what you meant by seeing this house in our future, and I want to shove every bit of anger your harbor towards yourself into the bin with the first pan bread I attempted.” Kaz spoke slowly, his eyes never wavering, never ceasing to hold hers.

 

            “I will plan this infiltration. I will do it for you, even if you decided not to go. Inej, you have a choice. You spoke of how many lives you value, did you not think that yours deserves the same courtesy? It doesn’t sound to me like you did; and believe me, I know what it’s like to put your own ass last. As much as I always said I came first, I didn’t because I didn’t care all that much. All I cared about was revenge. If I got that, my life was moot.

 

            “But I know you. I know you are getting on that ship whether I like it or not, whether Jesper likes it, or Wylan, or anyone likes it. Because I know you. I know your heart because I feel it, in my own chest. I feel you, every single day. I look at you and I feel you. I know you like… like I know where the coin is, always. I know where you slot between my fucking fingers and I know where your comforting weight rests. I know you’re going to go, just like I know you will not fail.”

 

            Kaz paused as she stared at him, a furrow between her brows and her posture perfect. She was listening, and he wasn’t done.

 

            “No, I can’t ask you to promise me you’ll come home. I also can’t promise you that my faith in you is enough to ensure that you do. But I can tell you that I will do everything I can to support you. I made that promise to myself when I first wrote a letter to the King of Ravka to find your parents. I made that promise so long ago, Inej. I made that promise to you every time I’ve had to test my boundaries, just to touch you. Just to love you. Just to be anywhere near what you deserve.

 

            “But I need you to promise me that you’re all in. I need you to look at me and tell me you won’t lock me  out again. Because I felt it, this past week. I felt your distance even if you think I didn’t. I don’t want to feel like I’m outside of us again, Inej. I spent too much fucking time there. Lurking in corners when you hugged Nina or kissed Jesper on the cheek. I don’t want you to get on that ship and have to imagine reading that letter only to realize that I didn’t know your mind as well as I thought I did, because you lied to me about it. We had this,”

He paused to gesture between them. “Before we ever even touched. You can’t hide it from me.”

 

            Kaz swallowed as he scoured her face, watching every minute movement.

 

            “I promise I won’t lock you out.” Inej whispered, her breath made the flame of the candle nearest to her dance.

 

            A promise forged in fire.

 

            “Promise me on every finger.” Kaz asked.

 

            “All ten.” Inej replied, her eyes soft and so warm.

 

            That’s how Jordie would respond, Kaz realized.

 

            “Come with me.” Kaz stood from the table and reached for his cane. For the first time in what felt like years, her fingers wrapped around his as she tossed her napkin back to the table and he walked them through the kitchen door.

 

            He wanted Inej to smile again. He wanted her to see the piece of him he’d never shown anyone besides his father and brother and his mother’s ghost.

 

INEJ

 

            Kaz walked them into the living room and Inej noticed their make-shift bed was no more, all blankets and pillows gone from in front of the hearth. She’d not noticed on her trek from the bathroom earlier, her vision had been tunneled in fear. The hearth boasted a low fire, warmth blasted her bare feet pleasantly as she walked beside Kaz.

 

            Kaz stopped and Inej glanced at him before following his gaze to the corner, where the piano sat, now stripped of the sheet and gleaming under a fresh dusting. Worn black lacquer housed the instrument, aged white keys gleaming up at her. Beneath the keys, a wooden stool had been pulled out. Atop the lid, a lantern sat burning. Kaz had been planning to show her, and she’d not even turned this way when she’d left the bathroom.

 

            How could she have missed such a thing of beauty?  

 

            “Kaz,” Inej whispered as he dropped her hand and limped toward the piano.

 

            “I was lucky; the old tenants must have paid for the upkeep. It works.” Kaz stretched a pale hand to run over the top of the smooth surface. “I think I might have more memories here than anywhere else in the world.” He mumbled. “Right here on this stool. Last time I sat here, my legs didn’t reach the ground.”

 

            Inej watched as his hand glided over the keys, never pressing.

 

            “Come here.” Kaz requested as he pulled the stool further out. Inej didn’t know what was happening until he sat, leaving space for her next to him. He stripped out of his vest and tossed it over the sofa behind them.

 

            Good Saints, Inej thought as he began to roll his sleeves up to his elbows. It was distracting. It was ridiculous how attractive his forearms were to her. How each vein in his pale hands made her want to touch him. After everything in the kitchen, she’d never wanted to kiss him more. She was certain of it.

 

            Inej sat down beside him, guiding her skirt under her thighs. His thigh brushed hers. Was this happening?

 

            “The last person who sat on that side of the stool was my brother after my Da died.” Kaz whispered as he glanced over at her. “I don’t think he’d mind.”

 

            Inej smiled softly as Kaz seemed to drag his eyes away from her and toward the keys. Was he going to? … Inej’s breath hitched. She couldn’t believe it.

 

            “Don’t laugh at me, I’m no Van Eck prodigy and I haven’t so much as tapped keys since I first bought the Crow Club and checked to see if the piano in the corner worked for a hired band.” Kaz smirked and peeked at her from the corner of his eyes.

 

            “No promises, Rietveld.” Inej bumped his shoulder with her own, delighting in his intake of a sharp breath.

 

            Kaz swallowed as he traced his fingers over the keys, Inej had no idea which ones made what notes. She’d never played an instrument in her life and her singing voice was a terrible thing to behold. She couldn’t even imagine reading Wylan’s compositions, it was an entire world she’d never been able to enter.

 

            Then, Kaz’s hand tapped a single key, a long and hollowing note that filled the barren space.

 

            “I only can remember the first half, I think.” Kaz mumbled before his fingers began to move across the keys. Piano hands, Inej realized. Wylan was right.Kaz’s long fingers were crafted for this, just like they were made for sleight of hand.

 

            A melody filled the Rietveld house for the first time in a decade, and Inej didn’t need to ask to know the tune she’d heard drifting from a window on the day of their engagement.

 

            Even in the end, I’ll see you again.

 

            The notes sounded like coming home, like the reunion with the person you’d missed for a lifetime.

 

            It sounded like happiness and rain drops on an old roof. It sounded like Kaz, translated into music. Dark, lovely. Harsh and soft.

 

            Kaz. Her heart stuttered. Kaz.

 

            He was impeccable timing and hidden smiles. He was a thief of self-doubt. Anyone who had ever spent true time in the presence of Kaz Brekker, Kaz Rietveld, would agree. Once you spent time with him, you believed in yourself just a little bit more. Like perhaps impossible was only a word, and ability was rooted inside of you. All you had to do was reach for it and pull.

 

            Kaz may have spent his life a thief, but he’d left behind belief in all those he cared for.

 

            Inej watched his profile as his hands descended the keys, his wrist crossing in front of her. She wouldn’t know if he messed up a note, wouldn’t have a single reason to laugh. Not now.

 

            Inej felt her soul wring out just a bit more love into her heart. She’d not known it was possible.

 

            Inej had never known that Kaz’s removal of armor could sound like music. She’d never known that her own removal could, too.

 

            “Now you can be certain you’ve heard me play.” Kaz mumbled as he dropped his hands from the piano, his face tinged a light pink. “Just as you once told me you would.”

 

            “Kaz,” Inej called. His head turned, a pleasant surprise rippled across his features when he realized how close she’d brought herself to him. Their breath mingled as they looked at each other.

 

            She’d not needed to say anything at all before his hand cupped her cheek, slid under her hair to the nape of her neck. She swore she could still feel the vibration of the last notes around them as his lips dipped to hers, gentle and slow. His thumb moved in gentle circles against the back of her neck.

 

            “I love you.” He whispered to her in between delicate kisses.

 

            “It was your turn. You owe me one more truth.” Inej whispered back as his lips touched her cheek and then her temple. His soft, rasping laugh tickled her forehead.

 

            “I want to rip your dress but I can’t because I want you to wear it again already.” Kaz mumbled. She felt his faux frown against her head.

 

            Inej laughed as his lips once again dipped to her mouth.

 

            “Your laugh tastes like fresh air.” He whispered. “I can’t tell you how long I waited for it.”

 

            Inej reached for him then, her mind already made up. This was the next letter, and she wanted to cross it. She wanted to remove every last barrier between them. She had a heart at peace and a future on her horizon. She couldn’t think otherwise.

 

            She was not the woman in her letter. She was Inej, alive. She wanted this with him, not because she was afraid of dying, but instead, because she was excited to live.

 

            This was the next letter.

 

            Arrow aimed, Inej Ghafa shot.

Notes:

Socials!:

tiktok: @ravenyenn19

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Yes, this does mean the next chapter has heat. Yes, I'm aware it would be amazing to be in one part, but my heart told me to split it so I did. AHHH. I'm sorry but I hope you understand. Anyways.... did you love it? AHH.

Chapter 140: Laughter In The Night

Summary:

The next step.

Notes:

CHAPTER 140!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HI HELLO. LONG TIME NO UPLOAD. First, before I ramble, for those of you only reading my notes because of the warning at the beginning of the chapter, you'll notice I did not mention a cut. There isn't one because the brevity of this chapter contains smutty content throughout. I am sorry for those of you who do not read the spicy content, but this one was always supposed to be it's own and I had to break it up that way. I'm sorry, darlings. I promise you'll still understand the story in the next one and know what happened w/o having to read it. <3 Please forgive me, but this is just how I always needed this one to be.

Next, HELLO. I know I've been MIA for a bit and you guys are honestly the kindest readers a girl could hope for, reaching out in the comments and on tiktok/tumblr to make sure I'm alright. I'm sorry I haven't been able to start getting back to everyone until today, but I'm okay!!! I love you guys so much for thinking of me while I've been offline. To be honest with you, I just got hit with the big sad for a little bit and stress from too many hours at work. Partner that with this beast of a chapter. I think it may be one of the longest I've ever uploaded at 12k words (around 3-4x the length of one of my normal chapters, for context). I'm feeling okay now though, and I'm back.

This chapter is perhaps one of the hardest things I've ever written, if not the hardest, and it's been a long time waiting. 600,000 words, to be exact. (Can you believe we crossed that milestone? I can't.) It's... it's special. It's important. You'll understand after you read why I can't say too much up here, but I just sincerely hope you love it. I could have had this uploaded the day after my last one, except for the fact that that version of this chapter no longer exists. I have rewritten this chapter about four times over the past ten days, trying to get it *just right* *perfect*... before I realized that it would never be perfect. This entire story is an ode to being human, and imperfect. The characters are normal people, and I'm a normal author. Why should this be anything less than human? Isn't that what I set out to do? That's the realization I came to as I did my final edits this afternoon.... and I'm sorry it took me so long to get there. I hope it was worth the wait, and sincerely, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your unending patience with me and my worrisome soul.

Thank you for an eternity of warm rain smiles. <3 I can't get over the fact that I somehow stumbled into this community, and that we created our own, here on DWOD.

I will literally beg you until I am dust on this earth for you to leave a comment on this one. I'm dying to know what you thought. I've just waited so long to attempt to write this one. <333 please?

"Keep You Dry" by Juke Ross. ( You can even loop it. It's a long chapter, okay?)

********** WARNING! THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SMUT. CHECK AUTHOR’S NOTE **********

 

KAZ

 

            There was not enough space in Kaz’s lungs for air, he decided blearily. Definitely, he could suck in a bit more oxygen to prolong the break from Inej’s kissed-red mouth.

 

His breathing was labored when he leaned too far back on the stool and his elbows pressed random keys on the piano, jarring them both from a deep trance that had all but descended like the night, only mere moments ago.

 

Inej was in his lap on that old piano stool and Kaz had simply decided that his family’s ghosts could, kindly, fuck right off and look the other way for the evening.

 

            Inej was laughing, her smile wide, as he glared behind his shoulder at the blaring piano, the notes still trembling around them. He wanted to kiss her again already, wanted whatever had just happened, whatever walls had just caught aflame, to continue burning.

 

            Kaz shifted his eyes back to her and couldn’t hold onto his faux glare any longer. Inej’s cheeks were boasting burnt rose blooms, her lips were red and her eyes crinkled in joy he’d longed for all day. His hands were buried into the fabric of her dress at her waist, fabric that had ridden up her legs in her movement to straddle him. He loosened his fingers to rub them over that shining fabric. It was soft, smooth. Not nearly as good as the skin beneath it. He knew that to be fact.

 

            “Kaz?” Inej leaned into him, her arms wrapped around his neck. He felt her fingers twirling into the longer hair at the top of his head. He nearly groaned from the pleasure. He loved when she did that, put her hands to his hair, nails gently brushing against his scalp. Her head leaned down to his chest.

 

            She was listening to his heart’s erratic tempo, but Kaz couldn’t find it in himself to care if she knew just how much her body against his, especially after a day like today, affected him.

 

            “Hmm?” Kaz mumbled down to her as he let himself lean into her, too. Her hair smelled like perfume, that delicate scent she only wore once in a while. That scent he could inhale like smoke, but without the pain in his throat. His face burrowed into the side of her neck, he kissed her throat through her hair.

 

            “Did you buy anything sweet at the shops?” She asked softly. Kaz’s chest shifted in a chuckle and he felt her arms tighten around him.

 

            “Besides your peach kvas, mera nadra?” He poked in a whisper.

 

            A satisfying “hmmph” came from her. He loved to tempt her into pouting. “Don’t be mean.” She mumbled against him.

 

            “I never claimed to be nice, that’s your fault for interpreting otherwise.”

 

            “You are very nice when you want to be.” She said sternly.

 

            “I bought sugar and raspberries, wraith.” He folded easily with a squeeze to her waist. His body was absolutely not ready to stand. No, she could stay right where she was.

 

            “Will you get them?” Inej kissed the base of his neck and Kaz’s eyes closed involuntarily. Her lips peppered over his collar, hinting and teasing.

 

            “You are sitting on me and I need to fetch your sweets? Why do I feel like Helvar right now?” Kaz rasped. Inej’s laugh was instantaneous, sweet and delicious. He didn’t want a damned raspberry, he wanted to taste Inej. Her lips. Her tongue. Her inner thighs.

 

            “I promise to make it worth it.” Inej purred as her lips moved higher up along his throat, her teeth grazing that spot just below his ear. She knew that spot. She knew exactly what she was doing to him. As if it wasn’t incessantly obvious by what he was certain she could feel, sitting in his lap.

 

            “Are we bargaining?” Kaz muttered, his head tipped back for her, eyes still closed as she worked her way along his skin. Kisses. Bites. Fuck. He was still just a man and the woman he loved was torturing him. He loved every second of it.

 

            Realistically, there was no bargain. Inej knew damn well that she had him, what with her current position. She could ask him to play the piano again and he just might do it if she promised to stay exactly where she was and turn around with him. He’d play something desperate and laughable, but he’d damn well do it.

 

            “Yes.” Inej giggled against his throat, her tongue caressed the skin she’d just bitten below his ear. His hands tightened on her hips, a low rumble escaped from his throat.

 

            “Counter offer, we go get your berries but I get to keep you wrapped around me.” He rasped, already preparing to lift her up with him.

 

            “Denied.” Inej leaned up to peck his lips. His eyes opened to see her smirking down at him. He rolled his eyes as she began to laugh. A grin had already turned his mouth into a traitor.

 

            “Why?” Kaz asked, his voice scratched with lust he couldn’t even begin to push aside. With love, too. Inej had told him all she had kept inside, and for the first time in several days, everything felt as it should be once more. Even in the house of his buried childhood, even with an aunt he’d never known lurking in the wings, even with Inej’s voyage just over the horizon.

 

Everything felt… just right.

 

Kaz felt, if only for a few minutes there on the old piano stool, that he’d never been thrown into cold water. He felt like a man, whole and not without flaws to rival the devil, but he didn’t mind.

 

For in this moment, Kaz did not hate the man he’d become.

 

“Becauseyour leg, shevrati.” Inej quipped, her lips teasing the corner of his mouth. Maddening woman. He began to turn his head to capture her mouth but her fingers tugged gently in his hair. She held his neck firmly in place, all with a slight twist of her fingers.

 

“Am I hostage, Wraith?” Kaz smirked.

 

“Mmhmm,” she hummed as she peppered kisses down his jaw, breath warm against his skin. “Shackled and all.”

 

“You forgot I can pick locks. Quite quickly, in fact. Even yours.” Kaz’s fingers teased at the hem of her dress, he brushed his knuckles just above her exposed knee at the side of his hip.

 

Inej’s laugh was wild and sultry, evocative of only midnights and noises only ever heard in their privacy. Her hips jolted against his at the touch, he felt goosebumps rise on her flesh beneath his fingertips.

 

“Still determined for those berries?” Kaz whispered into her ear when she nuzzled her forehead into the crook of his neck, a near silent gasp lingering on her lips.

 

“Believe it or not, I’m not so easily swayed.” Inej’s voice shook against him. He laughed.

 

“It’s either you come with or you go get your own berries, Inej. No further offers are being accepted at this time.” He rasped as he pressed a kiss into her temple.

 

“Very well.” Inej whispered darkly.Damnit.She was calling his bluff.

 

Inej hopped off his lap before he could tighten his arms around her. She sent him a devious grin as her dress fell back down her lovely legs.

 

“Too slow, mera chaar.” Her voice shimmered with underlined challenge as he sat there, lips parted and desperately missing her weight in his lap, against him.

 

“What a cruel mistress the sea can be to a man with a lame leg.” He rasped with a smirk of his own.

 

“On the contrary, Kaz. What a kind heart she has, to promise a return to you. Day and night. Forever.” Inej said then, her eyes suddenly softer and all at once heavier. Her words meant something. A vow. To him.

 

How could this woman love him like this?

 

“I dare say you’re right, mera nadra.” Kaz croaked as he reached for his cane, his eyes never quite leaving hers. His chest was swollen with something he couldn’t name. It was not the liquid heat of lust, nor the hammering steel of resolve. It was not even love, though he always felt that.

 

It was something greater than all three, something like fog. Something gentle and rolling, all consuming of he who stood in its lulling path. It was whispered words between his ribs. Something true and serious, like a promise on all your fingers and toes.

 

Inej’s playful glint returned to her eyes the moment his hand wrapped around his walking stick.

 

“I might save you one.” Inej winked as she waltzed away from him, back toward the kitchen.

 

It was the first time he’d seen her backside in her dress. Fucking lovely. After one long moment, a deep breath and a silent plea to his body for cooperation, he stood.

 

Kaz glanced back at the piano, and like his father had always tapped that solitary note, Kaz tapped a single key. A happier one, that he hoped, someday, might be as worn as his father’s. A different story to be told. A better one.

 

He closed the lid over the keys, knowing he’d touch them again.

 

 

 

 

INEJ

 

            Inej was pouring sugar into the cap of a jar to use as a dish when she felt Kaz’s presence in the doorway to the kitchen. Her heart was beating like a hummingbird’s wings in her chest, and yet, she only felt peace. She’d wanted something sweet, true, but she’d also wanted a moment to collect herself. She wanted to test her own resolve in this decision that to any other man or woman might feel easy.

 

 Even earlier tonight, she’d not thought herself ready. Close, but not. She’d been lying to herself then, afraid. Afraid to let go, afraid to fail. Now, she was not. She felt it in her bones, in her very marrow and deep through all the small things that made her human.

 

This feeling signaled clear and dazzling stars in her sky, free of clouds after years of storms and darkness.

 

            Inej turned over her shoulder to find Kaz in the doorway, his eyes locked on her where she stood near the sink basin. She found herself admiring the smudged lines of him, his jaw, his strong brow and sculpted shoulders. He raised an eyebrow.

 

            “Why are you brooding?” Inej smirked as she reached into the little box of raspberries he’d left on the counter. They were already rinsed; little droplets of water shook from the ripe berry she plucked between two fingers.

 

            “I’ll give you one guess.” Kaz said gruffly, his lips trying their best to conceal his amusement. Inej did not need to guess, she was playing with Kaz’s fire and she’d never felt more powerful. More… like herself. Strong, feminine and fierce.

 

            Inej’s eyes nearly dipped to his pants, to where she knew she’d felt him only moments ago. Her inner thighs had been damp since that first kiss he’d given her at the piano stool. Not to mention the fire he’d blown air into upstairs that afternoon.

 

            Inej held firm to her ploy, her resolve. Inej wanted this. Wanted everything. Her mind had been made up by the time Kaz’s fingers had dropped from the piano keys.

 

How long had she waited for this feeling of “ready” to settle into her soul? How long had she been flapping her wings, praying for a fair wind home to him? To this next step?

 

            Never had Inej felt so certain she could do something. The door to the basement pit of her mind had been bolted shut with his graceful hands and unwavering trust in her. In them.

 

 She turned around to face him, leaning her lower back casually against the kitchen counter.

 

Kaz’s eyes narrowed on her mouth as she licked the side of the raspberry and dipped it into the sugar. Her movements were slow, deliberate. He cocked a hip against the door frame as he watched her spin the berry through the fine white dust.

 

For a moment, Inej smelled vanilla. Then, she smelled the fruit under the heavy sugar. Beneath it all, laid the cinnamon-smoke smell Kaz had left all over her skin. The scent of him was all around her, intoxicating and lulling. She pulled the berry from the dish with a small smile.

 

Another battle, fought in the span of a single second. A pleasant flush began at her collar bone at the pure evidence of her own healing. Maybe, one day, she’d even ask Mama to make the vanilla and lavender candies she’d had as a small girl again. Maybe one day, she’d smell sweets and smile without wariness.

 

Inej sucked the berry into her mouth and watched Kaz’s eyes follow the movement of her lips.

 

Kaz reached for their forgotten bottle of kvas on the table and took a small swig of it. Inej could spy the patches of pink on the tips of his ears, noticed how he adjusted his casual stance carefully, as if he were hindered from moving freely. She smirked as her tongue darted out to remove sugar from her lips. She let a small noise of pleasure reverberate in her throat, taunting him.

 

“Another, then.” Kaz rasped as he leaned back against the door frame, content to watch her little show. Inej cocked an eyebrow.

 

“Come here and give me one, Kaz.” She sent him a wicked sort of smile. She knew he could barely resist a dare.

 

“Hmm.” He nodded seriously, eyes flashing in the now diminishing candle light.

 

Kaz pushed off the wall and set the bottle of wine back to the table.

 

She watched as his hands reached forward to her hips, confused until her feet left the ground and her ass landed on the countertop. Kaz dipped his fingers into the box and plucked out a berry as he stood bracketed by her knees.

 

Inej watched as Kaz took the berry into his own mouth before dipping it into the sugar dish with a little flourish of a spin. Show off. He held it out for her with a crooked smirk. Inej began to lean toward his hand, before he pulled back slightly.

 

“Now, you are not to mention this to Nina. I fear Helvar would have my head in the next life if I set this new expectation for affection.” Kaz whispered seriously as a giggle bubbled out of her mouth.

 

“Berry.” Inej whispered with a smile.

 

“Excuse me?” Kaz smirked that delectable lop-sided grin. Inej wondered if she should have indulged in his lips for longer when she’d had him pinned to the stool.

 

“You heard me.” Inej grinned smugly. Kaz sighed as he held the berry up to her lips once more. She heard him mutter something like “such manners” under his breath.

 

Inej didn’t think she’d ever been more delighted in the appearance of “shocked Kaz- face” than in that moment when her mouth took his finger with the berry. She swiped her tongue over the ends of his fingers, chasing the slight dust of sugar.

 

“Fuck.” He whispered hoarsely as she pulled away and swallowed.

 

“Something the matter?” Inej lips pursed in restraint of her unabashed glee.

 

He didn’t answer. Instead, Kaz leaned down to her lips. The flutter in her stomach was enough to send a jitter down her spine. His lips touched hers. It was a whisper of connection, reminiscent of some of their very first kisses. In such a small brush of their mouths, Inej could feel the entire brevity of their journey.

 

In that small kiss, Inej felt locks and doors, dams and walls, crack and splinter. It felt like the first all over again, but even better. It felt like the first with a guaranteed promise of many; with the promise of kisses in the night, in the morning, and in the afternoon; all without fear.

 

Kaz pulled back only a tiny fraction, his peach breath still grazing her lips. His eyes were closed, but Inej watched him, watched as his dark eyelashes fluttered. His hands were braced on the edges of the counter beside her, knuckles tight. Her eyes admired the veins in his lunar skin, the restraint coating the tendons.

 

“I want you, Kaz.” Inej whispered to him. His hands tightened again on the counter. A sharp intake of breath revealed that he’d heard her.

 

“How?” His rasp was quiet, even from her position. So quiet she’d not even deem it a whisper. Never before had she been able to answer this question so easily.

 

“Every way.” Inej answered honestly, finally baring the decision she’d made to him. If he wasn’t ready, Inej would wait. Of course she hoped he was ready, in this moment where her demons snoozed in dormant cells within. Though, Inej knew.

 

Inej knew well that while boasting similarities across the battlefield, Kaz’s demons employed far different warfare than her own. At any moment, her skin could drown him. At any moment, the man she loved could be ripped from her and taken below the surface of a sea she could only swim instead of command.

 

Now, Inej was ready to fight his demons, A woman of the True Sea against the dwellers of his depths. She would meet them on land as the Wraith with high ground, and keep Kaz dry. She would. She’d never been more certain.

 

In his silence, Inej wondered if she’d made a mistake. Only days ago she’d fallen prey to her own nightmares of silk and hands. Perhaps Kaz was losing a battle now…

 

“If… if that’s not…” Inej began. Kaz’s eyes flashed open in radiant pools of ink. She could see him behind his eyes. See the very heart of Kaz through that seemingly one-way glass only she could peer beyond. Inej didn’t need to hear his words to know his thoughts had picked up the pen and continued writing on the same page she’d laid bare to him. It was all there for her to see, through his eyes alone. As so much of their years together had been, quiet understanding reigned over that heightened moment in dim lighting, a charge ready to burst forth from the slip of space between their two bodies.

 

It was enough to halt the air in her lungs.

 

Kaz’s lips descended hers, harsh and soft, tender and demanding.

 

“Legs. Waist.” Kaz whispered against her lips.

 

Inej shook her head adamantly, never ceasing her connection to his lips. A strained sort of noise escaped him, his teeth grazed her lower lip. Inej felt his hands leave the counter. Next, she felt the warmth of his palms skimming up her ankles, her calves, beneath the hem of her dress to her lower thighs.

 

Never had Inej been kissed by him with so much love, such heated desperation.

 

Her soft whimper proved enough encouragement, his hands ascended further. She felt him pause when his hands landed on the curve of her outer hip bones. His breath was ragged as he pulled from her lips.

 

“You aren’t wearing anything under this, are you?” Kaz’s voice was leaden and sultry, weighed deeper with desire.

 

Inej shook her head once more as his eyes met hers. She was smirking, she knew she was. It was a close thing, that secret he’d almost discovered on the piano stool.

 

“For sucks sake.” Kaz breathed suddenly under his breath, his hands moving in urgent little grips at her hips.

 

“Was that a mistake?” Inej returned seriously. She had not wanted to… perhaps it had been a crossing of boundaries not to warn him when he’d expected to find the usual cotton of her underthings. She found her head dipping slightly, mind working too fast for her bravado to keep up.

 

Truthfully, Inej hadn’t even considered it being a potential problem. She felt dim for a moment before one of Kaz’s hands pulled quickly from beneath her dress to tip her chin back up to him. He forced her gaze to lock in place with his own.

 

“Absolutely fucking not.” Kaz said, equally as serious. His intense eyes held hers, something vicious yet soft lurking behind their dark shroud. It was his answer to all her unspoken questions. It was his acquittal of her self-consciousness.

 

It was his response to her every worry; and his confirmation of firm footing on solid land, hand locked in hers.

 

It was at that moment that Inej knew, Kaz had wanted to try, too. He had been waiting for her to tell him that she wanted to, and for that, she loved him more. He’d known every awful thing she’d been through, and he’d chosen to let her tell him when. Where. He’d trusted that she would, without prompting. Kaz knew her better than anyone in the entirety of the world, and in this, he’d trusted her explicitly, never needing her to utter a word of patience.

 

For that, Inej could swear to the Saints that despite every unholy, unsanctified thing that the man before her had ever done… he was still good. Kaz was a good man, if only she ever saw it clearly.

 

Inej Ghafa knew, without a doubt, that Kaz Brekker, Rietveld, had always been capable of love, wide and unwavering.

 

            Inej nodded only once before inching herself closer to the edge of the counter, still not giving into his request for her legs to wrap around him.

 

            If Inej had anything to say about it, she did not want his leg to be aching the rest of the night because she let him carry her again. Kaz could brood all he liked, but she suspected she might be able to distract him.

 

            Inej leaned forward into him, her knees snug at his sides, but not locked. She knew if she let her guard down, she’d be airborne in a moment. His hands were fast, and his mind faster yet. The thought sent a new rush of warmth to her lower belly.

 

            “’Nej,” Kaz groaned as her lips touched his throat, tracing patterns across his jaw line. His neck tipped back for her, exposing miles of beautifully pale, smooth skin. His prominent Adam’s apple jutted. His freckle, just there. She kissed along a tiny scar just above his collar. He’d told her once that this scar was actually from his childhood, when his shirt had gotten caught on a tree branch. She kissed the spot one extra time, just for good measure.

 

            Kaz’s hand that was still under her dress tugged on her hip gently, trying to urge her closer to him. Then, his other hand began to trail back up her leg, slowly, torturously. She gasped when his knuckles grazed her center, discovering her slickness.

 

            “Kiss me, please, kiss me.” Kaz groaned again at the discovery. She pulled back from his neck, cheeks aflame. Her hands twined into his hair as his fingers continued to drag, nudge, tease. She was so sensitive, each caress felt bold and new again, but in the best of ways. She was no longer afraid of what lurked behind her desire, because she knew she would only find Kaz. Kaz was it, only him. No demons in the silk canopy, waiting their turn to smack and slap and rupture.

 

            His lips were fire against her mouth, his tongue seeking and explorative. Her entire body yielded to his flames, melting toward him like wax in a seal; helpless but to continue to flow forward in her gilded bliss.

 

            She knew her critical error the moment she felt her bottom lift from the counter. She’d locked her damned legs around him, seeking his friction, his strong frame.

 

            “Damn you.” Inej panted against his lips as she felt him walking.

 

            “You fucked up, not me.” He chuckled darkly and breathlessly against her lips. “Warned you, mera nadra.”

 

            Before Inej knew it, they were in the hallway.

 

            “Set me down.” She wriggled in his grasp. His hands tightened on her bare ass in response. “Set me down, ghaon ke.” She demanded again, breaking from his kiss entirely with a flustered giggle.

 

            “What does that one mean?” He groaned.

 

            “Caveman.” Inej smirked as he rolled his eyes and began to release her.

 

            Now, Inej thought. Now, she wanted to apologize for earlier. Not for any other reason than because she wanted to. The moment he set her to her feet, she felt the need to squeeze her thighs together. She ached.

 

            Kaz’s eyes watched her quizzically until she reached a hand forward and pushed him gently against the wall beside the staircase, her body still fitted tightly to his. His chin dipped as if to kiss her, but Inej smiled softly and pulled away slightly.

 

            She ran her hands down his sides, a shiver shuddered over his shoulders. His mouth began to open, but halted the moment she began to kneel in front of him and her fingers found the buckle of his belt.

 

            For all her life, since the Menagerie had taken every choice from her, Inej had never wanted to do this act, not like this. She had never wanted to kneel before a man. But then, she’d found that with Kaz, all intimate things were being rewritten in her mind’s eye. She’d enjoyed taking Kaz into her mouth on that bed in the Inn. Now, she craved more.

 

            Today, Inej did want to kneel. Today, Inej wanted to kneel, because Kaz had only ever lifted her up. She knew he would again. He would tonight. He would in fifteen years.

 

Kaz would reach into her bones and lift her spirit from the grave, if she only called for him.

 

 

 

KAZ

 

            Inej was looking up at him with kohl rimmed eyes and all he could do was shiver. He had no idea she’d wanted to do this, had never expected her to do this. Certainly, not in this position, ever.

 

            “Is this okay?” She asked, her voice not wavering nor fearful, but instead… happy. Pleased with the reaction she was pulling from him with each stroke of her hand along his pants. She did not touch anywhere but his thigh, but his belt hung undone. He knew very well that she would not dare touch where he wanted unless he told her she could. Of course he wanted her to. It was the words he was having trouble gripping in his blood-drained mind.

 

            “Please,” Kaz croaked with a nod, his eyes focused intently on her lips, then her eyes. He saw amusement flicker across her mouth as she gently moved her hand up his inner thigh. He couldn’t focus when his whole body was zeroed in on her every movement. He could see down the slight gap in the neckline of her dress, the top swell of her chest clear and perfect. Her hand continued to brush along his right thigh.

 

            Wrong side. Please, try the other. She damn well knew where his cock waited, and he loved her exquisite game of torture.

 

            Then, Inej’s other hand began to smooth over his left thigh, outer, then…. Fuck. Her hand smoothed over his erection through his pants, his hips nearly bucked off the wall. He wanted her. She wanted him. Was this going to happen? Could they do it?

 

            Kaz couldn’t ponder it as she reached for the button on his trousers. As her fingers worked, her mouth kissed the crown of his length through the fabric.

 

            “Inej.” His head leaned back against the wall. Everything in him was going into restraint. He couldn’t move his hips or grab her hair by mistake, she’d told him the first time she’d done this on the bed at Sadie’s inn. He didn’t want to hurt her.

 

            Fuck, he didn’t want to hurt her. She didn’t think he needed this, right? Wanted? Of course. Of course he did. Needed? No. He’d be just as happy licking her until she whimpered in satiation, instead.

 

            “You don’t have to…” Kaz began in a stuttered sort of way, but the words demanded to be said. After what she’d been through, Kaz knew that the time in the Inn could be a singular occurrence. He’d never take the memory for granted. She didn’t need to repeat it though, unless she truly wished to.

 

            “Kaz, I want to put my mouth on you. Let me,” She whispered up to him. Had he ever heard such a sweetly vulgar statement?His stomach hallowed out on the deep breath he took as she gently tugged his pants to his thighs, his cock springing free and revealing just how badly he wanted her. Needed her.

 

            Kaz’s eyes held hers as he nodded, trying desperately not to whimper when her hand gripped his length and her thumb smoothed over the tip of him.

 

            At the first touch of Inej’s lips to his bare length, he almost shouted. Instead, he breathed raggedly. Her tongue licked him from root to tip and never once did they break their gazes from one another.

 

            “You can… you can touch my hair. Just don’t tug or…or guide.” Her voice carried to him. When he didn’t move, too focused on her delicate hand still stroking him, she continued. “That’s what I learned at the Inn. I want… I need you to touch me, too. Please.”

 

            At her reassurance, her request, Kaz moved. If she needed him, she had him. Always.

 

            He gently traced the backs of his fingers across her cheekbone first, delighting in the little hum he heard from her, then his fingers brushed her hair behind her ear. Just as he always did. His breathing was broken at best, but he could feel the happiness radiating from her eyes. It was delicious, contagious. Drugging.

 

            Inej’s mouth closed over him, her lips wrapping around his sensitive tip. Her head moved gently, bobbing against him. This… he was not going to last long, not when he was this worked up.

 

            Her little moan around his cock told him she knew that, and she wanted to utterly crumble him.

 

            “You are going to kill me, darling.” He breathed his broken words just before her unoccupied hand cupped his balls. He sucked in air through his teeth, a true hiss of acute pleasure. Why did he like that so much and how had she discovered so quickly?

 

            His hands were stroking through the waves of her hair, just to tell her. He had to tell her how good this felt. How much he loved her. Just how exquisite her mouth was. How much he needed her. With each stroke of his fingers through her hair, he said thank you. Over and over again. For all of it. For them. For her trust. For loving him this much. For fighting so fucking hard for this part of their lives alongside him.

 

            “Mmm,” She hummed around him, her tongue doing obscene twirls against his sensitive flesh. He was seeing stars in the shadowed light, the nearly burnt out candles still flickering from the kitchen doorway.

 

            “I like the way you taste. So good.” Inej’s breath was blowing against him and he almost moved his hips at her words. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.He liked that. Her little compliments.

 

            “I love you.” Kaz gritted through his teeth, his hand was shaking as he smoothed his fingers through her hair frantically. Kaz could barely hold on, he caught another glimpse of her gentle cleavage and felt pleasure throb in the base of his spine, begging for him to let go.

 

            “Can you last a little longer, Kaz? I’m enjoying myself.” She smirked up at him before her lips moved over his length in little teasing kisses, her hand still moving slowly up and down. “And I love you, too.”

 

            Oh, fuck. A small noise left his lips as he tried to nod. Focus, you bastard. Do what your girl says.

 

            “Thank you,” She said the words against his aching crown and his chest rattled with a gust of air.

 

            “’Nej,” His voice did not sound like his own, all broken and needy.

 

            She took him further than she had ever before, deeper into her wonderful mouth.

 

            “I can’t… I can’t hold on.” Kaz breathed, his hands shaking like leaves between strands of her hair as she reached her limit, her small hand still grasping the inches she couldn’t take. How the hell had he been sick for so long? Why had they both been traumatized for so long when they could have had this? He wished he could tell her how happy he was. How fucking excited.

 

He was going to kiss her until he died of asphyxiation over her name in his throat.

 

            Inej pulled back slowly, her tongue leaving a sinful trail along his shaft.

 

            “Alright, let go.” She whispered up to him, her lips immediately wrapping around him once more. His eyes could barely focus but he found hers and he could see that dangerous glint in her irises that he loved so much. She was smug and so glorious it hurt.

 

            Kaz’s whole body felt tense, and then, he was falling. Released. His shoulders shuddered as he called her name in fits and broken gasps. Her mouth never left him, and when his pulses subsided she took him deep one last time.

 

            She kissed the tip of him, like everything she’d just done had not been dirty at all. And it wasn’t. Everything, Kaz realized, had just felt like love. Like this was not new to either of them at all, but instead, something that had always been there, just waiting to show itself in a new light.

 

            Kaz found himself leaning back against the wall with his hands outstretched to her until her hands were wrapped by his own and he was lifting her up to him once more. Her eyes were shining with mischief as he tried to catch his breath, his arms looped around her waist messily.

 

            “This is certainly a sight.” Inej mused as she left a tiny kiss to his jaw.

 

            “What is?” He managed.

 

            “You, half undressed and looking like you just cracked a safe with a challenging lock that was full of money for the taking.” She smirked up at him. He laughed hoarsely.

 

            “This is better than that, Inej. Much better.” He smiled smugly, satisfied at her blush as his eyes dipped to the lips that had been wrapped around him just moments before. He didn’t hesitate a moment longer before kissing her. He relished in it, the taste of her mixed with him.

 

            Inej melted against him, he felt her own arms wrapping around his waist as she struggled to get nearer. When he realized she was smiling against his lips, his heart stuttered in his chest. Wings took flight from his stomach and fluttered outward, dragging away the anchors from his feet with them.

 

            For so long, Kaz had coveted his illness as if it were gold rather than the rust from water left stagnant against his mettle for too long. Kaz had clung and caressed harsh iron, knowing that unlike skin, it would never warp to nothing beneath his fingertips. His sickness had been a shield and an enemy, a link to his past that he’d been desperate to hold onto and yet motivated to rid himself of entirely.

 

            Now, he found something better. He found her skin against his own was stronger than any precious metal could ever strive to be.

 

Inej was here with him, holding him fiercely, as if to say “stay up here with me in the wind, the bottom of the sea is not where you belong”.

 

He believed her. He belonged on the surface, and wherever she may go.

 

He remembered what the magician on the stave had said in his show on the cobblestones all those years ago.

 

‘Those who do not believe in magic will never find the coin.’

 

See, the truth of the trick was, Kaz had never believed in magic. Not until he cradled it in his arms, and felt her heartbeat against his chest, as smooth and vicious as the water he’d once cursed.

 

 

INEJ

 

            “Did you move our bags upstairs?” Inej asked as she broke away from Kaz’s lips at the bottom of the stairs.

 

            “I did.” His hands were dragging on her hips, smoothing over her dress in admiration. His chest was pressed to her back as she turned to survey the room. She could feel the press of him already against her backside, even if he’d regrettably secured his trousers. Her cheeks were flaming and she wondered if she’d stolen the heat from the embers in the hearth without meaning to.

 

            “You’re cold.” Kaz whispered as his arms draped around her shoulders.

 

            “I’m used to pants.” Inej retorted, a girlish sort of flutter began in her stomach. She wanted this. Her body wanted this. Kaz wanted this.

 

            Was she pushing their limits? Was she making a foolish mistake, thinking that either of them could really be free, even for one night? Years. Years had passed, and now Inej wanted more of them. She wanted a lifetime wrapped in his arms just like this. She wanted a lifetime of laughing in dark hallways and reveling in raspberry kisses.

 

            “I want you to know… Inej, I want you to know that…” Kaz began, stuttering over his words. Inej immediately shifted in his arms to face him instead. This was the voice of a man inexperienced, kind.His face was shadowed in the dim light and his eyes were shifting over her face, as if the words he wanted might be found on her lips, her nose, in her own gaze.

 

            “What is it?” Inej asked as her hand reached up to cup his cheek, her thumb traced over his sharp cheekbone. She’d never stop marveling in this freedom to touch him without shackles on her wrists wrapped in silk.

 

            “I want you, and I’ll still want you tomorrow, and next year, if you change your mind.” Kaz whispered to her. Inej felt her lungs expand, affection wide and unmatched filled her chest.

 

            “I’ll want you, even if we never… if we never managed to…” His throat worked over a swallow and she felt the tenseness in his jaw against her hand. Her nerves had faded entirely, and in their place, she only found peace. Comfort. Readiness and strength within.

 

            “Kaz.” Inej said softly, “Can we go upstairs?” She willed her understanding, her surety to travel to him with her eyes. His gaze gentled as he searched her face and found what he was looking for. His nod was almost imperceptible as she stood on her toes to kiss his cheek.

 

            “I’ll be up in a minute.” Kaz replied as she began to tug on his hand to lead them toward the stairs. Her brows rose as she looked over at him.

 

            “Are you alright?” Inej asked.

 

            “You’re cold.” Kaz shook his head as he dropped her hand and limped toward the door. “Go up, I’ll be right behind you.”

 

            Inej tried to quell the puff of disappointment that blew into her sails as she climbed the steps. She’d not wanted to come up alone, and she knew how ridiculous a thing it was to fester over. Since when had she become the type to pout? Was it because she was aching for him, because she was finally here and she didn’t want to be parted from him for another moment?

 

            “Saints, I’ve lost my marbles,” Inej huffed to herself as she opened the bedroom door. She’d still not seen the one across the hall, but she knew Kaz would show her, maybe tomorrow when the sun was once again high and streaming through the windows, chasing old memories away.

 

            Tonight… tonight, Inej thought, she’d expended enough thoughts on days yet to pass. If this failed, Inej knew it would be enough that she’d felt even a glimpse of freedom from her past on this spring night amongst the fields of a home she’d never known she wanted. A place filled with rolling fields of gold spun earth and the quiet claps of leaves against fresh wind.

 

            Inej paused in the doorway as she noted the extra blankets from their makeshift bed downstairs already folded carefully over the edge of the bed, pillows added against the old wooden headboard. Kaz had left a lantern on a small table beside the bed, something she’d not noticed earlier. She reached for the switch, heard the oil fizzle to light the room in a dim glow. Beside the lantern, Inej saw Sankt Petyr. He’d picked it up from where she’d left it beside her bag, in which all her other knives were stored at the bottom.

 

            Next to her blade, she found Kaz’s gloves. Gloves he’d removed that afternoon and she’d not seen since.

 

            Two years ago, as she’d stood beside Kaz on a gray morning, the image would have jarred her into silence. Now, it was a part of her day. When they slept beside each other, she no longer slept with a knife beneath her pillow. Kaz didn’t wear his gloves.

 

            Their lives had shifted forward. It felt like a journey that had taken place over centuries, and yet… it felt like a blink. Inej felt as if from the moment Kaz’s palm had slid into hers, she’d always felt him there. Like he’d never let her go, and she’d never pulled away.

 

            Even across the sea on her voyages, she felt him. Just there, in the sunny windows of her spirit. Kaz was always there, eyes gilded and a smirk upon his lips. She hoped, she prayed, that the Saints would take her life before his, when they were old and weathered. But if they didn’t… Inej knew that he would be the first thing she looked for in the blissful slumber of death. She’d wait for him.

 

            There she went, worrying. About a voyage that was not yet upon her. Inej would come back to him. She would not fall. It was not an option.

 

            Inej couldn’t die. Not when she’d not yet kissed Kaz in the morning, counting the gray strands in his hair, many years from now. Not when she could imagine the exact shade of blue she wished to paint the walls of this bedroom. Not when she could picture Kaz and Jesper laughing on the porch, a bottle of whiskey between them. Not when she could hear the music Wylan might play at the piano in the living room. Not when Inej could already hear Nina’s squeal of excitement when she saw the fields of tulips. Not when she imagined her parents walking up to this house, marveling in the Kerch countryside and the sight of Kaz’s childhood home. Not when… not when Inej wondered if Emilia might be there, too.

 

            They had a family. Inej had a family she had to return to.

 

            Inej almost choked on the emotion in her throat as an image unfolded in her mind. One of Kaz kneeling like he had with Cara in Aska Vasman, but in front of him, a faceless little silhouette stood, enveloped in sunshine. It was a dream Inej could not let develop further.

 

            It wasn’t realistic, but still her heart released every single wish upon her consciousness, all at once. How could it not, when Inej planned to make love to the only man she’d ever wanted these things with? Her body still rattled for him, pleading and desperate.

 

            “Mera nadra?” Kaz’s concerned voice came from behind her and she realized her hand had been gripping his glove, hovering there in the air.  

 

            Inej’s instinct was to hide. Hide like the Wraith and corner her fears behind her where he couldn’t see them. He’d already seen though, hadn’t he? She was clutching his limp glove like a rope in treacherous gravity. She couldn’t hide from him; he’d told her as much today.

 

            Inej dropped his glove to the table and crossed her arms over her chest, holding back pain she’d not yet endured. Would not endure, she corrected internally.She was still thrilled, excited, happy. Yet, she’d let herself start thinking about tomorrow once more, instead of the present.

 

            “Can we paint the bedroom blue, next time we come here?” Inej whispered. She heard something drop to the ground suddenly, followed by Kaz’s uneven steps as he rushed around her.

 

            “What happened?” Kaz was in front of her now, his hands gently uncrossing her arms.

 

            “I let myself imagine a blue bedroom and hurt my own feelings.” Inej snorted, though it lacked any true mirth.

 

            “Inej. Look at me.” He said sternly as she sighed. She looked up at him.

 

            “We’ll have the blue bedroom, if you want. Hell, you can have a yellow bedroom too. We have enough homes at this point. I don’t care as long as we have a bed where my feet don’t hang off the edge. It drives me insane on your ship.”

 

            Inej laughed as his nose scrunched just slightly.

 

            “Fine.” Inej smiled.

 

            “Attitude, darling. I brought wood for the fireplace.” Kaz brushed his knuckles over her shoulder before he moved away to retrieve the logs from the ground.

 

            Inej sat on the edge of the bed, watching as Kaz stoked a fire to life in the old hearth. On another night, Inej might already be digging through his bag for one of his shirts to sleep in. “Sleep. Not anytime soon,” Inej thought wildly.

 

            Slowly, as Inej watched him, she felt her excitement bubbling back to the surface. She watched as his shoulder blades moved with his toss of another log into the flames. She knew how strong he felt beneath her hands. She knew the honed texture of Kaz’s muscles. She adored his litheness, built but not bulking.

 

            Her skin felt warmer, and not from the fresh fire. She reached to one of the little sleeves on her dress and began to slip it down. Soon, the dress pooled around her waist, her chest completely bare. Kaz had not turned around, she heard him mutter something about getting the chimney cleaned by the caretaker; but she’d stopped listening.

 

            Inej was focused on him, on the way he stood with a stretch that shifted his thighs.

 

            “That’s bett—“ Kaz’s mouth slammed shut when he turned to face her, finding her sitting on the bed, her dress a puddle of sapphire on the floor.

 

            “I wanted it off, hope you don’t mind.” Inej chuckled as his eyes traced over her breasts, her stomach, directly to the point where she’d crossed her legs.

 

            Kaz walked toward their bags in the corner, his eyes never leaving hers as he tossed his shoes into the pile, leaning on the wall for support of his bad leg. Next, he removed his belt and tossed it. She was smiling as he watched her, she began to scoot back on the bed slowly.

 

            “Stay, please.” He rasped. His eyes were dark and she gazed on in fascination when he wet his lips. He limped to the bedside table where he dropped his time piece from his pocket, the chain rattling against the wood.

 

            Inej held her breath as she looked up at him, now before her. His hands cupped her face as he left a kiss to her forehead.

 

            “Hand me a pillow.” He requested, voice like dragging embers.

 

            Inej tilted her chin up to him, his hands still rested at his sides. She wanted him to touch her, damn it.

 

            “Ask nicely.” Inej teased.

 

            “Better to beg forgiveness than ask permission.” He smirked, hand outstretched. He managed to keep his eyes on her face, much to her frustration.

 

            “You’re going to apologize?” Inej asked, bemused.

 

            “Yes.”

 

            Inej reached blindly behind her for a pillow, curious. Kaz was wearing that face, that one that promised either immense pleasure or frustration. He wore it when others linked his schemes together. She loved it.

 

            Inej handed him a pillow and she caught his eyes veering down, snagging over her breasts.

 

            Kaz took the cushion and before she could catch up, he dropped it to the floor in front of him. He eased himself down to kneel, bad knee padded from the hard ground. A sign of self-preservation, certainly, but Inej was more interested in the implication that he intended to kneel for some time.

 

            His hands began to skate up her legs, light as feathers against skin she hadn’t even been aware sensitive. The entire time, his eyes held hers, steady and firm. Opposites, she realized.

 

His eyes touched, his hands looked.

 

For so long, his eyes had held her when his hands could not. Now, Inej could only realize that his eyes had memorized her curves, his hands did not need guiding. He knew each of her scars, each freckle and blemish.

 

“Inej.” He murmured in reverence as he lifted her ankle to his lips where he kissed her birthmark, a nebula of freckles. Each touch had her shivering, like her whole body might become dandelion seeds in the wind of his breath.

 

His kisses continued up her leg, the fire casting their shadows against the wall in a sensual mirror. He lifted her ankle to rest on his shoulder as he neared closer and closer to the edge of the bed.

 

A little gasp escaped her mouth and she felt his lips curve against her skin.

 

Each kiss he gave her was irenic, kind, and just a little mad around the edges. It was perhaps the most excruciating kind of bliss Inej Ghafa had ever found herself entangled in.

 

What a thing it was, Inej thought, to not only to be loved boldly, but to be so vividly understood.

 

“Closer, mera nadra.” He whispered as he reached to gently shift her hips closer to the edge of the bed. Her eyes were feasting on the way he shifted, how his hand slid over her thigh opposite his mouth.

 

“Do you remember the morning I showed you the Wraith?” He whispered against the flesh of her thigh. His question struck her as ridiculous, how could she not?

 

“Yes,” Inej whimpered, completely helpless but to keep watching as he pressed his lips to her skin, over and over. Soft and as scattered as stars.

 

“I think that morning was the day you saved my life. Not for the first time, and certainly not the last, but I think…” He paused, eyes fluttering shut, his breath warm against her. “I think that was when you saved the most of me. Not my body, not mind. I think, if I ever had a soul, it was you who plucked it out of the gray harbor that day and handed it back to me.”

 

Inej watched as his eyes opened, his heart laid plainly on her skin in between puffs of air. Love wove down her spine in a shiver so intense that she felt his fingers tighten on her leg, warm and firm.

 

He shifted her other leg to his shoulder, and before she could swell her lungs with a gust of air, he was parting her to him. She watched as his eyes dipped to her center, drinking her in before he even touched her. Hunger lanced through his deep eyes as he swept his gaze over her, again and again.

 

Inej almost fell to her back against the mattress as he kissed the soft flesh along the very seams of her legs.

 

Then, his hands smoothed over her hips, where he held her steady. His first kiss against her center had her eyes closing instantly.

 

“I’ll never get over how satisfying it is, my darling Inej, to see you ready for me.” His words branded her core, his hot breath a warning before his tongue swirled over her aching bundle of nerves.

 

“Kaz,” Inej breathed as she forced her eyes open to find him watching her, mouth buried.

 

Her hands were gripping the edge of the bed as she tried to stay propped on her elbows. She didn’t want to miss the sight before her, erotic and comforting all at once.

 

She couldn’t manage it when she felt his finger slide over her entrance. Her hands went into his hair and she felt his groan reverberate against her when she coiled her fingers into the longer strands.

 

His finger slid into her, curving as he went. She felt him nudge that spot within her as his lips continued to move, suck, tease over her clit.

 

“Kaz,” She gasped again and she felt a second finger stretch her. Damn him and his hands.

 

His tongue swirled over her, a gentle circle.

 

“Fuck,” She cursed as she fell back against the bed, her body already shining in a thin sheen of sweat. How could he do this to her, so quickly? But not quick enough?

 

His hands moved from her hips, tracing over her sides until he palmed both of her breasts, one in each hand. Her noises had been reduced to keening little moans, words long forgotten.

 

She already missed the feel of him inside her. She wanted more.

 

His fingers pinched gently at the pebbled peaks of her breasts as his mouth continued its unforgiving work on her core. Had she ever felt so close? Had she ever been teetering on a cliff so high, desperate to fall over the edge?

 

“Kaz, Kaz, Kaz,” Inej panted, her hands twisting desperately in his soft hair.

 

“Let me taste you.” He whispered, mouth never moving away from her. “Let me finish you, Inej.”

 

The moan that left her mouth was quiet, at least in comparison to the roaring of her own erratic heartbeat in her ears.

 

Inej’s body shook as her back arched off the bed, bliss flowing through her every vein as she quivered against his mouth. He didn’t stop until each pulse of her release subsided. She heard her name on his lips as he kissed her inner thighs, his lips wet from her.

 

Stars fell from the corner of her eyes, gilded orange in the fire’s glow.

 

Kaz had given her pleasure before, but she didn’t think she’d ever felt it be quite so strong. So overwhelming, like a strike of pure lightning straight to her lungs.

 

For him, even her heart beat differently. Stronger. Bolder. Wilder. In her chaotic storm of gasping breaths and shattering warmth, he was a mountain, determined and never meek.

 

Their love was earthly, certain. If Inej had ever questioned the Saints ability to weave the threads of destined souls through the tapestry of an unforgiving universe, she did not now. This moment was proof.

 

Then, Kaz began again, before she could even begin to gather her nerve endings from the halo of light surrounding his body.

 

She did not even remember the silk canopy, for this one blissful moment, she was born anew.

 

 

KAZ

 

            His heart hammered in his chest as Inej pulled him up to her, her hands running over his biceps, his hands, his neck. Her lips against his.

 

            He’d never been so eager to feel her bare skin on his arms, rather than through a shirt. Her taste was on his tongue, and now he was truly desperate. His body felt tight and raw, his trousers painful, his hands itching for more of her.

 

            “Two to one, are you trying to show me up?” Inej teased as she began to move her hands over the buttons of his shirt, fingers dancing along his torso with singular purpose. Her voice was sultry and sluggish in the wake of her afterglow.

 

            His laugh was rasping and half-drunk, even to his own ears. “Always.”

 

            If this was a score she’d like to tally, he’d gladly play along. Forever.

 

            Kaz was kneeling on the bed, and so was she as she worked messily through his buttons. His hands moved to aid her but she swatted him away gently.

 

            “I want to. I want to do it, please.” She whispered, her eyes locked on his. As if he’d deny her wish to undress him.

 

            It startled Kaz, in that calm way that so many of life’s biggest reveals did, that he no longer had a single doubt in his mind that he could do this. They could do this.

 

They could… they could seize the life they’d eyed from a distance, across vast oceans of “somedays”.

 

            Kaz felt her movements slow as she reached the last button of his shirt. He took in the sinful flush of her bronze skin, the way her hair now flowed down her back and past her navel in tangled waves that still shined smooth. Her nose ring shimmering in the flames.

 

            Wide brown eyes, fluttering dark lashes. Sharp brows. The curve of her nose, the fullness of her parted lips. The small swells of her chest that fit perfectly in his palms, the strength that shined in her stomach, her legs.

 

            Gorgeous. Every part of her called to him. It was as if the sky in him reached for the sea in her.

 

            “Inej.” He called as he felt her hands shake.

 

            She looked up at him immediately, and he felt relief wash over him when he saw no fear in her eyes, but rather, disbelief.

 

            “We’re here, Kaz.” She whispered quietly. His hands found hers and he threaded their fingers together against his thighs.

 

            “Yes.” He replied. “We made it here.”

 

            A silence engulfed them, one as familiar to Kaz as the sound of his own heartbeat. It was theirs, uninterrupted by the sounds of bell towers or the creak of sails.

 

It was only theirs, with not another soul for miles. Their eyes stayed there, even as hands began to move and shadows danced. His shirt fell to the floor with her dress, and soon after, they were laying side by side on the bed, facing each other, eyes still holding firm.

 

Only when neither of them could resist that tug of gravity between them, did their eyes break, only to close in a kiss that satiated the thirst he’d never been able to quench with dark water.

 

Together, they removed the last of his barriers. They didn’t hurry, they moved lazily, through kisses to throats and hearts and lips. Through murmurs of names and simple sighs. It was as if they understood, there would be a time for urgency, for quickness and desperation and fire. For now, neither of them wanted that. Neither of them wanted anything but the humble warmth of the embers they’d tended for years, hoping they might keep warm through their barren winter of captivity in their own flesh.

 

In that tender silence, they laid bare in body and soul entirely. Kaz’s hands ran down her back as they inched ever closer to each other, desperate yet hesitant. And still, unafraid.

 

The feeling of Inej, pressed firmly against him, safe in his arms, was like nothing he’d ever experienced. Her chest to his chest, her legs entwined with his, his length pressed against the crease of her. Absorbing her body against his was like drinking, breathing… it was natural.

 

            There was no water. No hint of trickling in his ear canals, no dripping against his shoulders. No tide to drag him under. No corpses to hold him there.

 

It was a shock; it was not at all. It was… them. It was as if, they’d been here before. Perhaps, if Inej were right in her belief of the Saints, they’d been here in a thousand lives before.

 

Kaz didn’t think he’d be lucky enough to love her for more than one, but he sent a prayer to her deities anyhow, that he might be lucky enough to love her for one long life. For years, he’d waited; dared to let himself nurture that sapling of hope in his ashen soil.

 

Now, he laid with the vines of them around him, knowing he’d seen them bloom together in every season; cruel and frost-covered, hesitant and budding, chilled and withered, and now, finally, in the sun after a kind storm of harvest season.

 

When Inej moved and gently pressed him to his back, he understood. She would need to be above him, and if he was honest, he’d prefer it, too. He could see all of her. His hands traced patterns over her skin as she shifted herself atop him, slow and steady. The view was incredible, as colorful as any sunset he’d ever cared to appreciate.

 

Her eyes held his once more. His chest rose and fell, but instead of the erratic beats of the evening, his heart seemed to slow into peace, into something warm and pure. Surety, of all that they had been, what they were, and what they would be.

 

Inej leaned down to kiss him, her weight balanced on her knees. Against her lips, he told her the truth.

 

“I’m happy.” Kaz whispered. He wondered if he’d ever said those words so clearly, so boldly. Without a single lick of trepidation.

 

Inej’s smile was soft and bright as she pulled back slightly from his mouth, her hair a dark curtain around their bent heads. In her eyes, he saw his own words repeated back to him.

 

He felt her hand smooth over his chest, slowly trailing further down. Between them. Her fingers wrapped around his cock and his breath shuddered. Was this happening? Not once did he let himself look away from her eyes.

 

She stayed bent over him, their foreheads touching as she guided him to her. Still, neither of them could look away from the other.

 

“You took the tonic, yes?” Inej breathed the question to him, her eyes half-lidded in anticipation, in wanting. He could only nod and thank his past self profusely for being so fucking foresighted.

 

Kaz’s whole body seized up at the first touch of her folds against the crown of him. How often had he wondered if he’d live to see this day?

 

“Etma Se Saman, Kaz.” Inej whispered to him, her lips on his. She began to lower herself down onto him. He felt her body adjust for him. He didn’t know what he’d done to earn this from Inej, this irrevocable trust, after all she’d been through.

 

Kaz’s whole world shifted, in the span of a moment. A low moan rumbled his chest and his eyes shut involuntarily. The feeling of Inej around him was euphoric, sinful, and yet somehow the most sterling thing he’d ever felt.

 

There was no recovering from this feeling, no swaying his soul into a life apart from this connection to her.

 

 

 

 

INEJ

 

            The fullness inside her was lacking the pain Inej had endured in the Menagerie. Her body adjusted easily to accommodate him inside her, rather than what she’d experienced before. There was no ripping or strikes of pain. No hands bruising her ass or her face.

 

            Instead, Kaz inside her welcomed a new heady rush of warmth to her center. She sighed as she straightened atop him, hands planted on the hard planes of his chest. This. This is what she’d been wanting for. Waiting for.  

 

            Kaz’s head stretched back against the pillows as he gazed up at her, cheeks flushed and hands tight on her hips, but kind. The look on his face was one she’d never seen before, one of absolute awe and bliss, but not lacking the heated swirl of lust.

 

            Then, without meaning to, she laughed. Kaz did, too.

 

They were laughing, connected in ways they’d never been. It was the type of laughter that could only be brought upon by acute disbelief. She’d never known she could find laughter like this, with a man deep inside her. It was perhaps the most startling joy Inej had ever felt.

 

            This is what making love should have been for her. This is what she’d never experienced. There was such a contrast between the crass abuse the men of the Menagerie had used her for and this… this love.

 

            Inej may have had her body used, but this was the first time her soul and body were aligned in the experience, and she only ever wanted to give it to Kaz. Kaz, her best friend who was tracing her hips with smooth hands. Kaz her partner, her avri, who had fought with her, every day, since the moment she’d been free of her prison cell. Kaz, her husband in all ways besides legal already.

 

            Inej began to raise herself gently above him but his hands tightened and he gave the smallest shake of his head.

 

            “Don’t move yet, please.” He breathed, his chest shaking beneath her. Inej understood immediately. This would not be a long affair, the first time. Even if she had… taken the edge off so to speak, downstairs.

 

            The thought bloomed in her mind, bright and clear. Inej was the only woman to have Kaz in this way. The only person to have ever seen him like this, messy haired and sweet… and excited. She could see his restraint in his eyes, feel the way his hips nearly bucked up into her. She was the only one who knew what it was like to have Kaz, buried inside her and gasping in intervals even in her relative stillness.

 

            She would be the only person to ever have this with him, and some territorial part of her spirit cradled that thought close and held tight.

 

            His hands began to slide up her body and she couldn’t help but tip her head back as his hands curved over the swells of her breasts, skimmed over her shoulders and down her arms.

 

            “Can I sit up with you?” He rasped and she felt him bring her hand down to his mouth where he left a small kiss to her palm, her knuckles. She was shaking atop him, anticipation still throbbing between her legs where she was tight around him.

 

            Inej managed something like “mhm” under her breath as Kaz’s hands cupped her ass to keep her in place as he shifted himself to sit up. Her legs maneuvered to wrap around his lower back and instantly, he was deeper inside her than before.

 

            “Oh,” Inej gasped in surprise as his arms wrapped around her. Now, she was only slightly above him, and his lips were already skating over her skin. She felt the graze of his teeth on one nipple then the other.

 

            “I wanted to be able to kiss you,” He mumbled as he tipped his head up to her.

 

            Inej had never… she had never even considered a position like this. It had certainly not been part of her experience in the Menagerie.

 

            She adored it. Adored the way they now sat as equals, as they always had. She could look into his eyes easier, feel the warm press of his chest against hers as he hugged her closer to him, onto him. Her arms wrapped over his shoulders and her fingers had already found a home in his hair. They’d barely moved, but now Inej needed it. Needed him with friction and in earnest.

 

            His lips found hers and then, Inej rocked in his lap, a slow and languid roll of her hips. The tip of him brushed against that spot hidden deep within her and she moaned his name, quietly, but directly into his ear.

 

            “Inej,” His hands cupped her ass again and then… he was meeting her movements with his own hips; with the same thoughtless grace he had when swinging his cane in an arc, or with coins between his fingers.

 

            Their rhythm was not stilted or awkward, it was as easy as falling into step beside one another. He knew her, and she knew him. After all these years, Inej thought, this could only be better than it would have been if they’d been any average couple.

 

            With each of his thrusts, he reached her most sensitive spot within. Inej’s nails were raking over his shoulder blades, his name falling out of her mouth.

 

            His groans into her neck were primal and raw and purely Kaz. He was not quiet, as Inej might have once expected him to be. Throughout every step of their journey toward this intimacy, he’d never hidden his pleasure from her. Never had been afraid to let her know how he felt.

 

            It was yet another thing Inej had never known could be pleasurable. She’d never known how much she’d enjoy his noises, his gasps. She craved them. It only added to the fire rising in her core.

 

            “Kaz,” Inej whimpered when she felt one of his hands duck between them, right to her clit.

 

            “I want to feel you come undone for me, mera nadra.” He rasped against her throat, his thrusts turning faster.

 

            For the third time that night, Inej shattered for him. Around him. It was better than every single orgasm she’d had before. She clenched around him, shivering and cursing as his lips reclaimed hers.

 

            Not a moment later, Kaz was wrapping his arms tighter around her and she felt his shoulder blades tense. Her name was a moan from his lips, a long drag of the ‘J’ as she felt him pulse inside her, his hips barely moving in the chaos of his release.

 

            Inej could only tug him closer as they both panted, sweating in the firelight, completely entangled.

 

            In all her life, Inej Ghafa had never known so much peace in her heart. She realized that weight had been lifted from her shoulders as he peppered little kisses along her chest, never relinquishing her from his grip.

 

            Nothing they had just done could be considered revolutionary to most, but to them… it was a turn in tides of a war spanning years.

 

            It was the moment Inej had seen in his eyes, that one gray morning on the Ketterdam docks. The moment she’d seen become a possibility, with his hand in hers. Now, it was her reality.

 

            Her reality made of a glowing room in the countryside, surrounded by a vast ocean of golden possibilities ahead.

 

 

 

 

 

KAZ

 

            “Give me half a bell, and I’m doing that again.” He rasped against Inej’s shoulder as she fell into a fit of giggles.

 

            “Am I wearing clothes anytime soon?” She jested in return.

 

            “Not for the foreseeable future. Maybe when we head back to Ketterdam I could be persuaded, since I refuse to share the sight of you.” He laughed, his own voice scratching from thirst he couldn’t be bothered to care about.

 

            What they’d just accomplished… Kaz would not admit to anyone but the woman still firmly seated on his cock, that his own eyes had grown glassy. He was lucky she couldn’t see, but he wouldn’t hide it from her as he inhaled her scent over and over, his hands bumping over the ridges in her spine as she sat, curled around him.

 

            Kaz had won.

 

            They had won.

 

            “Told you I’d take your clothes off in a place adjacent to where you were conceived.” Inej whispered into his ear, a smirk lacing her voice.

 

            His devious woman.

 

            His lungs hurt by the time he was finished laughing. Her smiling kisses dropping over his face like warm rain.

 

            By then, they were moving again.

 

           

 

           

 

 

 

            In the middle of the night, when the fire had burned low and Inej had fallen prey to slumber, Kaz counted the freckles along her spine by the pale light of the moon.

 

Inej had blown into his life like the wind off her sea, and with her might she had torn down his walls with a touch feather light, and opened his soul up to see the sky.

 

            These freckles were his stars, and he kissed each one goodnight.

Notes:

Socials!:

tiktok: @ravenyenn19

tumblr: @ravenyenn19

So... that happened. I know, perhaps for some, this will not be just right. But I... it's just right, for me. Even if I can see a hundred flaws, it's imperfection is Kaz & Inej's strength. These characters mean the world to me, and in 600k words, I have only ever sought to be respectful, healing & kind with them. I hope you guys know that. I hope it hit the mark.

For those who need to hear it, your work, whatever it may be, does not have to be perfect to be worth it. Your art, your paper, your latte art. Whatever it is, I guarantee, it matters. Be kind to yourself, dear readers. I love you.

Chapter 141: Have Me

Summary:

The morning arrives.

Notes:

CHAPTER 141!!!!!!

HELLO.

Hi. *sheepish*

I'VE MISSED YOU. Gosh, I've missed you. First of all, hi. I hope you're well, dear readers. I know I've been gone for quite some time, and I'm very excited to be back here on my main story. A short explanation for my hiatus: For nearly two years I've been uploading every week, most of that time, two-three-four times a week. About two months ago, I realized I was nearing burn out, running on creative fumes, so to speak. Not because I had no inspiration or love, but because I was simply... tired. I made the tough decision (because it was very difficult as silly as it sounds) to take a step back. To recover. To simply let myself... mend my writing parts. I sincerely hope you understand, and I am sorry that I didn't know it was going to happen in order to give you warning. I do hope what is coming will have been worth the wait... we have HUGE things on the horizon. I'm so excited to share them with you. <3

Thank you. Thank you for every ounce of kindness and patience that you have bestowed upon me. For still being here, as I desperately hope you are. I promise not to abandon this story, I love it too much for that. I just wanted to make that official declaration. <3 Dear readers, I love you.

PLEASE COME BACK AND TALK TO ME IN THE COMMENTS! MY IMPOSTER SYNDROME IS REARING IT"S HEAD AFTER TWO MONTHS OF NOT POSTING ON THIS STORY AND AND... i need a lil author reassurance. <3 I also just miss the crap out of you guys. <3

"Iris" cover by Chris Lanzon (THIS PARTICULAR VERSION. IN THE MORNING. IT'S LIKE A MOVIE TO ME. listen.)

INEJ

 

            The sun had not yet risen, Inej realized as she squinted in the veiled gray light. Her entire body was wrapped in warmth, from her toes to the tips of her fingers. Her eyes fluttered sleepily once more, her lungs stretching wide to take in fresh air from the cracked window across from where she laid. Threadbare curtains stirred in the breeze and the soft applause of aspen leaves carried to her ears.

 

            A bare hand laid splayed on her stomach beneath the sheets, heat radiated from her back. A finger twitched against her skin in his sleep.

 

            For a single moment, Inej’s eyes widened in surprise at the feeling, realizing she was naked… and Kaz’s hand was on her stomach.

 

            Then, she remembered. She remembered. Oh, how she remembered. As if in answer, Inej’s whole body relaxed into his embrace.

 

            Inej inhaled. Over and over again. Cinnamon, smoke and pine, fresh wheat and just a hint of peach kvas. Him. Them. Home.

 

            For all Inej Ghafa had experienced in the filthy glamorous halls of The Menagerie, this was not a moment she’d lived through before this dawn.

 

 When she’d woken, the man who had taken her body into his hands was still cradling her close. Kaz was still here. Kaz had stayed.

 

A memory fogged Inej’s eyes as she pressed her back closer to his chest. A memory of the first morning she’d woken beneath a canopy of silk.

 

Inej remembered the way her body had ached, how her thighs had been smeared in her own dried blood, her eyes caked in ruined cosmetics. Her head had thrashed against the pillows as sobs shook her bare chest so thoroughly that her very ribs seemed to snap straight and curve once more.

 

She’d not even known his name, nor could she remember the face of the first man to steal her body. Somehow, that made it worse. No name somehow equated to less value… no name meant the cease of reality and the beginning of the inconsequential ramblings of a broken spirit.

 

She’d looked up at that canopy, and wondered if she might be short enough to hang herself from it, if the scraps of scratchy silk and bed sheets might be strong enough to hold her up. How fitting, she’d thought, to hang instead of bleed, from a noose coated from the blood she’d already lost.

 

How fitting, she’d thought, to die with her feet in the air because the world had shackled her hands behind her back.

 

In that moment, Inej had remembered Mama’s face when she found the fresh geraniums Papa had hidden on a wagon wheel, just for her to find. Inej remembered Papa’s grin the day Inej walked the highest wire, balancing stick outstretched like a sword against gravity. She remembered Nani singing off-key hymns to the Saints, her bare feet pressed into a pool of water as the caravan watered the horses on a summer’s day, back-dropped by the Ravkan countryside.

 

She remembered, somehow, the face she might find if she managed to stay. At fourteen-years-old Inej had thought “What if one day, someone needs me and I didn’t stay on my feet?” “What if one day someone could look at me like Papa looks at Mama?”

 

“What if… what if one day I look in the mirror and I see myself, and I look at her with that much love?”What a shame it would be, she’d pondered, to never meet thatwoman.

 

Inej inhaled again as she shifted into Kaz Rietveld’s warmth. He’d stayed.

 

She felt his fingers tighten on her abdomen, his breath tickled the back of her neck as he curved his legs around hers. Inej knew he wasn’t yet awake, but her stirring had lightened his rest from deep to shallow.

 

Last night, Inej had found something she’d thought she’d already had. In a sense, she had, out on the True sea, a compass in hand. But now… Now there was a bottomless and weightless sense of freedom tucked into Inej’s chest, one like she’d never known. Kaz had emptied his thieves’ pockets to her and replaced her missing pieces with his own, and Inej had taken knives to her soul and sliced off fragments to fill voids of his. Then, somehow, they’d become fully working hearts.

 

It was not a completion of each other, no, Inej was too wary of the world to believe in such a notion, but rather, a sharing of pieces. Kaz did not complete her, and Inej did not complete him. They were each whole on their own. Instead, Inej thought, it was something much more real than the idea of one soul being the missing half of another.

 

Kaz was instead the compliment to her soul. He was dark when she was light, and she was dry land in his hurricane. And when her waters grew vengeful and unruly, his gravity held her gently.

 

Like the story she’d told him so long ago, of the moon and the sea. Simpler minds must have dreamt the moon to always chase the sun, but the suli knew the truth. Sailors must have conjured the sea’s spirit a bitter and unruly one; yet captains knew the truth. The sea answered to no one but the arms that held her. A full grin from the moon, and she might just raise her tidely arms up a little higher; all to get closer to he who reminded her of her power.

 

Inej shifted in Kaz’s arms carefully, enjoying the way the arm under her pillow flexed without his knowledge, as if poised to pull her closer. She heard an intake of his breath as she covered the hand he’d left on her stomach with her own.

 

Then, slowly, she felt his fingers entwine with her own. Even after spending the night bared to him entirely, it felt like she’d swallowed an entire cloud. As if her heart and lungs hung suspended in a warm breeze.

 

Inej didn’t think she’d ever stop feeling that way. The way she did when his hand slid into hers, real and strong.

 

Inej felt his arm press against her, pulling her flush with the front of him. Her smile was instant when she felt his lips press to her bare shoulder, sleepy and fearless. Inej turned her upper body as much as his hold would allow, just to catch a glimpse of his face.

 

There was a hint of stubble along his jaw, his black lashes still crested the hills of his cheekbones. His hair was sticking every direction imaginable. A deep purple bruise was blooming on his neck from where she’d called his name in the dredges of night, branding his skin with her pleasure.

 

Lacking a three-piece suit, gloves long gone, and not an inch of tension in his brows, he’d never looked more handsome to Inej.

 

Inej smiled as he dipped his head back to her shoulder, his movements slow and still weighted with sleep. His lips pressed again to her, a wordless request to stay. As if she’d slip from this window. As if she’d run from this. He did not open his eyes.

 

Inej didn’t turn away as he’d asked. Instead, she let her eyes carve his face, just as it was, into her memory. She wanted to remember this moment, this feeling, forever.

 

It must have been the change in her breathing, a twitch in her shoulder, because his lashes fluttered open. In the gray morning light, his eyes were so black they could swallow entire constellations.

 

Inej couldn’t help the return of her smile as he stared at her, his thumb now brushing across her belly in lazy little patterns. She didn’t even care if her neck ached, holding this position.

 

The smile he gave her in return was a like a cluster of sunrays that had gotten lost on a shady day. Unexpected, and brilliant.

 

Inej didn’t speak as she turned her head back the other way, and he didn’t either as she shifted her spine back against his chest. This was not a morning for words. There weren’t any for such an occasion. They simply had not been invented yet, in suli or kerch.

 

Kaz’s hand continued to draw patterns on her belly, his lips occasionally dropping back to her shoulder to let her know he was still awake with her.

 

Together, they watched the window, curled together beneath the sheets as the sun rose and rang in the day with a splash of gold and tangerine.

 

***** WARNING! SPICY CONTENT AHEAD! READ AFTER THE CUT TO STILL ENJOY THE STORY IF THIS IS NOT YOUR VIBE<3*****

 

 

KAZ

 

            He must have fallen back asleep. Kaz knew it to be true when his eyes opened and the sun was beginning to leak from the window across the floorboards. It must have been at least an hour since the sun had risen.

 

            Inej was still tucked into his chest, her hand splayed back behind her on his hip. Her breathing was even and deep.

 

            Her hair was mussed against the pillow, a tangle of ink silk. Her brown skin glowed under the sun that strayed to her. Somewhere in the distance, Kaz could hear a horse whinny, the low buzz of a bee beside the window.

 

            Spring had arrived in Kerch, and within Kaz Rietveld. His arms flexed, one half asleep under Inej’s head, but he didn’t mind. His mind repeated the same words, over and over.

 

            Last night. Last night. Last night.

 

            Kaz was in no rush. He did not register the tick of his time piece on the bedside table, nor did he crave the weight of a fine jacket on his shoulders or a pistol at his belt. Kaz did not even notice the stubble along his jaw, for any of these things would mean leaving this bed.

 

            Of two things Kaz was certain. One, he was not leaving this bed. Two, he’d never felt this type of ease. This peace.

 

            Over two years as lovers, and now engaged, he and Inej had spent nearly every night she had on land together. The first time Kaz had awoken to Inej in his bed, he’d been astonished to find how much he liked seeing her, first thing in the morning. On every other, he’d still been awed, still breathed easier, when he found her there, beside him.

 

            The sight of Inej beside him had never become mundane. The sight of Inej beside him had never become routine, as so much of his life had been despite its unruliness.

 

            Inej Ghafa was his constant source of surprise, even if she’d never managed to sneak up on him a second time.  

 

            Kaz stared out the window, his fingertips tracing little lines into the soft nook where her hip met her belly. He was bare and pressed into her, and still, he’d not felt the revulsion come. He’d not heard the trickle of water or seen the garish flash of corpses in the corners of his eyes.

 

            He’d not heard the demon of his mind, the one that so often beckoned him off cliffs with the singsong of his brother’s voice.

 

            Kaz couldn’t recall each piece of himself that he’d scraped from the bottom of the Barrel, but somehow, he’d found enough of them. Enough to be the man here, in this bright, perfect sphere of a moment.

 

            How was Kaz going to watch Inej sail away, now? After he knew what it felt like to hold her like this at dawn?

 

            It wasn’t the same as watching her march to the sea on a righteous hunt for slavers. On those voyages, Kaz could only picture her victory. Kaz could only fathom Inej’s blades crusted in evil blood and her razor edged smile of vengeance. He imagined salt in her hair and sun on her cheeks and rum bottles pressed against her lips.

 

            He did not picture those things for this voyage. He pictured stone monstrosities raising sharp daggers from the sea and flames borne unto the Wraith’s black sails. He imagined things he wanted to rid himself of. Things like fear and grief and all the components that led to the breaking of his most infamous promise: No mourners, No funerals.

 

            He hadn’t realized his fingers had stopped gliding against Inej’s hip until she pressed further into him, a sleepy noise of protest falling off her lips. With a slight shake of his head, Kaz tossed any thought of demise out the window, and instead, grinned a private smile.

 

            “You’re awake,” Kaz whispered against the shell of her ear. They were not good morning words, but Kaz knew they’d said their greetings silently, when the sun had still shied from the horizon. In response, Inej’s backside pressed tighter to him. He couldn’t see her lips, but he wondered if they betrayed her game. She didn’t respond.

 

            Kaz tried to ignore the exact positioning of Inej’s body against his, her softness against every hard plane of him. His fingers gripped at her hip, loosening and tightening.

 

            “Hmm, I suppose I was wrong.” Kaz mumbled against her ear once more, unsure how he’d possibly focused enough to have a coherent thought moments before. He surely couldn’t manage such a thing, now.

 

            Inej was naked in their bed. There was no business to attend that had a time stamp for this morning. There were no barriers between them, now.

 

            “There are no barriers,” Kaz repeated silently, his lungs shrinking to make room for the utter pride that flooded his chest. It was real. All of it. Every battle. Every ripping of scab to bare his wounds to her.

 

            Inej’s breath hitched when his hand slid off her hip and traced a slow circle into her stomach, right around her navel. Kaz’s fingers stopped.

 

            “I’ll stop unless I know that was a good sign.” Kaz whispered to her, half begging, half demanding.

 

            In answer, Inej’s hips rolled back against his. Well, he supposed there was no hiding what affect she’d had on him in a matter of seconds.

 

            “I’ll accept that answer, but next time I ask, I want it verbally, Inej. Because, I will be asking again momentarily.” Kaz smirked when he felt the shiver dance over her shoulders.

 

            Kaz’s hand explored her abdomen, the rise of her hips, the elegant slope of her thigh. He dragged it on, for once again: he had no rush.

 

            Inej had made him brave in ways he’d always craved to remain shy, untouched. Maybe that, Kaz thought, is why he’d fallen in love with her in private. In private, Inej had made him bold. She’d made him believe, in stashes of seconds, that he was worthy of her pristine touch of tenacity.

 

            Kaz’s hand slid farther up, skimming under the swell of her breasts that pressed together in her current position.

 

            “Can I?” Kaz whispered, his lips pressed against her shoulder. He kissed a pattern there too. His entire body eager for a drink of her.

 

            A little “mmm” escaped Inej’s throat as her spine arched against him, putting pressure just where he needed it. Not yet.

 

            “A word, darling. Yes, or no.” Kaz implored her, his fingers teasing her soft skin.

 

            She nodded her head. Kaz grinned crookedly against her. She was playing with him, searching for his loopholes. He’d not give in. Rebellious Inej was a glorious thing to behold, and he’d gladly be her cause.

 

            “Pity.” Kaz let his teeth graze her ear with the word as he made to pull his hand away and just barely angled himself away from her.

 

            He didn’t get far.

 

            “Yes, you devious idiot!” Inej whined as she snatched his hand with her own beneath the sheet. Her giggle was sleepy and bright. He loved when he could hear the smile in her voice, something he could always intrinsically know even without looking. Like one always knew what rain smelled like, even when standing under a clear sky.

 

            Kaz’s lips descended upon her shoulder as he curved his hand around one of her breasts and squeezed gently. Inej could insult him all day long and he might just end the endeavor more in love.

 

            “What was that?” Kaz nuzzled his face into the crook between her neck and shoulder, catching a subtle glimpse of her cheeks lifting into a full smile.

 

            “Have me.” Inej whispered, laughter lacing each letter.

 

            Kaz kissed everywhere he could reach. Her shoulder, her neck, her ear, her upper arm. All the while, his hand brushed her nipples, pinched the peaks until her breathing turned to pleading little moans.

 

            When his hand descended back down her body, she arched into his touch like a magnet. His hands had never felt as powerful as they did when they touched her gently.

 

            His fingers slipped between her thighs, scraping the soft hair there. Gently, he lifted her leg to part her for him. He felt the heat radiating off of her center, his entire body begging for him to move faster.

 

            Kaz had heard his name used as an insult. Kaz had heard his name brandished as a weapon to curse another. Kaz had never heard his name sound as sinful as it did when his girl moaned it with her entire body as he slid a finger into her.

 

            Not for the first time, Kaz was almost grateful they’d not been able to be normal sixteen year olds. That they’d had to wait these years. Now, he got to release that tension with her, when he’d already learned her over years of practice.

 

            Kaz groaned into her shoulder, her hand was gripping his hip again. She pressed her nails into his skin, holding him tight against her. His hips rolled against her backside involuntarily, slow and languid. The little grunt she lost to the air around them only sought to fan his flames.

 

            With his thumb, he carved soft circles into her most sensitive spot. He couldn’t reach everything as well as he wanted. He needed more. He wanted to make her crumble for him, then he wanted to build her back up and do it all over again.

 

            “Kaz, Kaz, Kaz,” Inej rocked against his hand, her movements brushing his all too eager erection. “More,” She whispered, a plea. Had she read his mind again?

 

            Kaz’s hand left her center for a moment, only to hitch her leg back and over his hip. Her moans turned to ragged breaths as his fingers continued their work, and he loved that he knew before she fell that she was going to fall for him. It was the subtle tensing of her shoulders, the way her hand gripped the sheets beside the pillow, the little ‘o’ of her lips that he heard rather than saw.

 

            Kaz kissed the back of her neck as she shook in his arms and his fingers slowed to ride the tide with her.

 

            “Saints,” Inej breathed heavily.

 

            “Not currently present.” Kaz pressed his grin to her skin. He moved his hand slowly up her body, until he curved his arm around her chest and cleaned his fingers of her taste with his own mouth. Exquisite.

 

            “I should hope not if you’re doing things like that,” Inej was breathless as she caught his hand and he felt her kiss each of his fingertips.

 

            “The Saints stopped keeping tabs on me years ago, mera nadra.”

 

            “Not true.” Inej returned.

 

            “How do you know?” Kaz kissed her ear.

 

            “Because they sent you to the Menagerie for me.” Inej whispered, her voice suddenly filled with something heavier, truer.

 

            Kaz’s instinct was to scoff, even now. He didn’t. He hugged her tighter, despite his body’s request for a return to the previous path.

 

            “Because they let us both live this long.” Inej added, her voice clearing. She pulled his hand to her lips again, dusting his knuckles in feathery kisses. “If that isn’t proof, I don’t know what is.”

 

            Kaz sensed her words were more for herself than him, but he relished in her little smile against his hand anyways. Inej knew she’d never convert him to religion, but he hoped she also knew that he’d never try to sway her from her faith, either.

 

            “Kaz?” Inej called. Her ass backed up further against him. He’d loathe to admit that he bit the inside of his cheek to hold back a groan at the glorious friction.

 

            “Hmm?” He managed.

 

            Inej shifted her head back, her neck twisting to leave a kiss on his chin. It was the farthest she could reach, what with her leg still draped over his hip and body turned from him. He felt her hand reach behind her to slide down his side.

 

            “I need you.” She answered finally, her fingers sweeping his skin.

 

            Butterflies filled Kaz’s stomach. He didn’t know if this would ever stop, this need he felt for her. This physical ache. He didn’t think it would. Perhaps all their years of fear would only lead to a lifetime of making up for lost time, tangled in each other.

 

            He wanted that life with Inej.

 

            I have that life with Inej, he corrected.

 

            “Then have me.” He whispered her previous words back to her.

 

Kaz kissed the top of her spine, groaning as he maneuvered his length between her legs, guiding himself to her entrance. This time, neither of them would be above or below. They’d be side by side. He fucking lovedit.

 

Kaz slid into her, his eyes fluttering shut as he savored this feeling. She was perfect around him, warm and tight and everything that he’d never been able to imagine properly.

 

Her name fell from his mouth as he gently began to thrust, hand splayed across her stomach. Her hand found his against her skin. Her moans filled his ears as he found the pace she needed.

 

Kaz still had no rush.

 

Kaz made lazy love to Inej, the sun rising high in the sky and drenching them in warmth.

 

In his chest, something danced and cheered, living where only death had once dwelled.

 

 

****** END OF SPICE! *****

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

INEJ

 

            “Kaz?” Inej called from her position by the window, his shirt the only article she’d donned since she’d gone downstairs to use the bathroom and bring water up for them both; only after he’d relinquished that round two was not possible without hydration after the night before. Kaz Brekker was stubborn, in every aspect of his life, apparently.

 

            Inej looked over her shoulder when he didn’t immediately answer. He was wearing nothing, the sheets pushed aside in the morning sun. His skin was pale and still flushed from exertion, his eyes shut and a pillow was propped behind his messy head of hair. He looked every bit like a man who had just spent the night and morning making love, tired and still quite smug. Inej grinned.

           

            “Stop staring or get back in the bed.” Kaz mumbled, one eye cracking open.

 

            “You certainly think I’ll listen to you, don’t you?” Inej smirked. “When will you learn?”

 

            “Never, Saints help you.” Kaz returned with a crooked grin, his eye falling shut again.

 

            “Well if I were you, I’d put pants on.” Inej giggled.

 

            Kaz’s eyes flew open, his face stricken as if she’d suggested he drink water straight from the canals near butcher row in the Barrel.

 

            “Why?” Kaz groaned, an almost whine.

 

            “There’s people out in the fields.” Inej tapped the window pane behind her.

 

            “What?” Kaz nearly shouted as he shot out of the bed, still entirely nude. She grimaced alongside him as he winced at his leg.

 

            Kaz limped to the window beside her, staying to the side so as not to show himself. Inej nearly giggled once more at the sight. It was not exactly what she’d expected after moaning his name so loudly with the window cracked, unaware that only a hundred yards from the house, a man was staking something into the ground.

 

            At Kaz’s expression, Inej sobered. She’d thought perhaps this had been the caretaker Kaz had mentioned to her, someone expected. From the furrow in Kaz’s brow, she knew immediately she’d been mistaken.

 

            Quickly, they dressed. Inej buttoned up Kaz’s shirt and tugged on her leggings and boots. She pulled the one singular knot of her hair into a coil at the base of her neck, hoping the kohl around her eyes from the night before had at least flaked off.

 

            Inej hated seeing the tension in Kaz’s brow as he buckled his belt.

 

            She hated the gloves more. It felt like an end to their peace. To their privacy.

 

            “Why now?” Inej beseeched the Saints. “Why intruders on this morning?”

 

            Inej followed Kaz as he limped down the stairs of the farm house, his cane clicking against the hardwood floors. Inej winced when he nearly missed a step. Kaz never missed steps. He was annoyed, she could tell.

 

            Inej reached for his hand as they trekked across the grass in front of the house and down toward the back field where two men were now conversing. Both had tools beside them, dirt caked the knees of their trousers and caps blocked the sun from their faces as they gestured about.

 

            “This is private property,” Kaz called out as they neared, every inch of Brekker packed behind his voice. He dropped her hand.

 

            Inej glanced at the knife tucked in the waistband of her leggings. Just in case, the Barrel portion of her spirit reminded.

 

            “Oi! Kaz!” One man shouted and Kaz’s steps faltered as they continued forward. Inej wanted to reach for his hand but refrained.

 

            The first man stepped forward, waving the other off. Inej could now make out the shape of a dozen men in the fields, weaving through overgrown wheat.

 

            “Daan Tiers.” The gangly man stretched out a hand toward Kaz as they reached him. Inej remembered him, from Sadie’s on their first night in Lij. The man who had accused Kaz of lying about being a Rietveld. He was also the first person who had mentioned the existence of Emilia, Inej recalled. She’d thought he’d made a reference to Kaz’s mother.

 

            “What are they doing?” Kaz glanced at the man’s outstretched hand and settled both of his own on the head of his cane in dismissal. Serves him right, Inej thought bitterly.

 

            “Ah,” Daan pulled the cap off his balding head, wringing it awkwardly in his hands. A deep crease appeared in his sun weathered skin, right between his bushy brows. “Sorry, didn’t want to knock so early but we couldn’t waste the sun.”

 

            Kaz tipped his head, a snake ready to leap for the throat. “That didn’t answer my question.” Kaz clearly remembered the man before them, too.

 

            “Oh,” Daan dug into the pocket of his soil colored trousers, yanking a folded piece of paper from the depths. It was yellowed, creased and clearly old. He passed the parchment to Kaz with a gesture for him to open it.

 

            Inej nodded when Daan offered her a sheepish smile in greeting. Good, he knew she’d not passed on news of his apology to Kaz, that night at the tavern.

 

            Inej moved to look over Kaz’s arm as he unfolded and scanned the document. Inej recognized it immediately as a contract, at the bottom, over twenty signatures were scattered amongst dots of stray ink.

 

            Inej heard Kaz’s breath hitch, heard the creak of the leather on his hands as he tightened his grip. Inej tried to read from the angle but could only make out the words “Promise of contracted labor”.

 

            “He was pretty particular with the wording, eh? At thirteen you wouldn’t think he’d be skilled enough to figure out that sort of phrasing.” Daan chuckled awkwardly as Kaz read, over and over again.

 

            “Upon the sale of Rietveld farms to any descendent of the family name, the families listed therein promise to return to post for fees already paid for a minimum of two harvests or until renewal of contract. Upon return of Rietveld blood to the grounds, the next harvest will be sowed.” Daan recited from memory.

 

            “Jordie,” Kaz pressed a finger to a signature at the middle of the contract. Inej felt her own breath lodge in her throat. Jordie’s letters were shaky, but clear, right there on the page. Jordan Rietveld.

 

            “Suppose the lad knew it might be you who came back, someday.” Daan shrugged. “We’re late on the spring season, but you’re lucky, the fields are somehow still kickin’ beneath about a pound of overgrowth.”

 

            “I thought I was a fraud.” Kaz mumbled, his tone lacking the strength Inej imagined he’d aimed for.

 

            Daan had the decency to wince. “I beg your forgiveness, Mr. Rietveld. I just…. Bram was a friend. I met you as a boy, believe it or not. Besides, ain’t no way any of us are getting outta this contract, nor would we want to. Rietveld fields always brought the best harvests.”

 

            “Consider your debt paid and leave.” Kaz grimaced even as he said the words. Inej saw his shoulders tighten beneath his blazer. Her heart seemed to shake for her avri, argumentative and protective all at once.

 

            “To hell with that! Get back to work, Daan!” A voice came from behind them. Inej spun at the same moment as Kaz.

 

            Against an aspen tree in the yard, Emilia Winstrad leaned, a newspaper tucked casually under her arm.

 

            “Morning, nephew.” Emilia smiled with a dip of her chin before continuing, “Niece in law.”

Notes:

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SO. SOOOOOOOO? SOOO? *less aggressively* so?

Chapter 142: Courageous Houses

Summary:

Kaz's mask falls.

Notes:

CHAPTER 142!!!!!

HI GUYS!!! It's me! I'm here! New Chapter!!! I'm honestly just so excited. SO excited. I had to literally stop myself from trying to edit 5k more words and separate this chapter and the next one because i'm just so frigging excited. Do you see? AHHH. Anyways, I'll try and keep myself brief and let the chapter speak, but I hope you love this one. I hope you will be left as excited as I am. We have big things coming, dear readers. Enjoy!

As always, thank you from this day till the end of time for reading what I write. This story brings so much joy into my life and so much of that is all of you. You make me smile every single day and that is a kindness I can only hope to repay with words that I'll never stop repeating: thank you. <3

I CANNOT WAIT TO READ COMMENTS PLZ TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK AHAHAHA I'M LOOSING MY MIND OVER THIS ONE AND THE NEXT AND AND... please. I beg as always but I love you guys and even if I can't hope to respond to all comments, I read every single one. <333

"Carry On Wayward Son" cover by Neoni (This song is Kaz. It's him in Lij, it's his family. If you've never listened to one of my recommendations, please listen to this song while Kaz is in the kitchen. This might even be the rec for two chapters.) Please do it.

INEJ

 

            The sun sent shattered streams of light through the green aspen leaves, highlighting Kaz’s umber glare beside her. Emilia Winstrad leaned casually back against the trunk of the tree she stood under, hands tucked into the pockets of her black trousers, newspaper still folded under one arm. 

 

            Inej had supposed she’d never see the woman outside of a gown, but this ensemble was  equally as exquisite. Her trousers fit perfectly, tucked into tidy leather boots with ties in perfect bows. The top she wore was loose and white, the sleeves ending in buttons that glittered gold at her wrists. A navy ribbon served as a testament to a man’s tie at the garment’s high collar against her throat.

 

            “What gave you the right to do that?” Kaz rasped with a flick of a hand over his shoulder, indicating Daan Tiers who was now whistling on his way toward the fields behind them.

 

            “What gives you the right to not respect your brother’s, or in tandem, your father’s, last wishes?” Emilia returned, her voice cool and painted lips in a flat line.

 

            Inej watched as Kaz fumed silently beside her, his hands tightening over the handle of his cane. She could see him sizing Emilia up, waiting for his aunt to say the wrong thing. Emilia stared back, either unaffected or with a pristine bluffing face.

 

            “I thought you said you’d come by this evening.” Kaz grimaced as he ran a hand through his black hair, the pieces still falling in disarray.

 

            “I thought this was going to take longer to organize,” Emilia shrugged. “If you’d like me to go, I’ll go.”

 

            Inej watched with bated breath, both eager to excuse herself and to also say something, anything, to stop this train wreck from continuing on its current course. Saints, Inej could see the familial relation between them in the very corners of their respective grimaces.

 

            “What good would that do? You clearly didn’t respect my wishes moments ago.” Kaz argued.

 

            “Not true. I simply implore you to think about your choice more carefully. For longer than a mere twenty seconds after being presented with a contract that has been around since the day your brother was born, and then rewritten by that same brother after Bram- your father- died.” Emilia paused, pushing off the tree and straightening. “I wouldn’t wish regret upon you, Kaz.”

 

            Inej sensed Kaz’s stubbornness, sensed the words aching to come out of his mouth. Now was her chance. He was going to be livid, but Inej didn’t pay it any mind.

 

            “We were just going to have breakfast,” Inej hedged, ignoring Kaz’s eyes and the way they flew to her, his words slipping through the portholes of his irises. What the hell are you doing?

 

            “I’m not betraying you, Kaz,” Inej glanced at him, hoping her eyes conveyed these silent words.

 

            “You’re welcome to come in, if you’d like.” Inej continued, gesturing toward the house. She wasn’t entirely sure what she wanted more; for Emilia to decline or to accept. Even if it had been Inej’s goal.

 

            Emilia’s head turned slowly to glance at the house with its white washed paint and inviting navy shutters, its twisted and overgrown vines that Kaz had only barely worked on a few days’ prior whilst Inej had been sleeping off her kitchen paint job.

 

            “I couldn’t,” Emilia answered, her head shaking just enough to send one of her dark curls free of its bun atop her head. Color arose to Emilia’s cheeks, a hint of ashen peach. A shameful color, somehow.

 

            Inej looked at Kaz, finding his gaze fixed unabashedly on Emilia’s profile. She resisted the urge to nudge him in the side.

 

            “Why not?” Kaz rumbled quietly, perhaps hating his curiosity. Inej didn’t know exactly what shifted Kaz’s tides, but she felt it happen. Felt his mind change directions like the wind.

 

            Emilia’s breath was long and deep as she turned her eyes to the canopy of leaves above them, the wide blue sky sneaking nosy glances through the aspen branches.

 

            Inej noticed the way Emilia’s hands twisted in her pockets, as if tearing an answer from the fabric’s lining.

 

            “I haven’t been in the house since I left nineteen years ago. Save for the day I returned to Kerch and found a different couple here. I ran down the road to town, and I didn’t look back.” She paused, a shiver racking her shoulders. “In fact, the closest I’ve been to the house since then is the hill. Except that night I dropped your father’s letters off. Until today, I suppose.” Emilia replied finally. Her brows pitched into an arc of embarrassment, falling from the sky to land on Kaz’s face.

 

            “I understand.” Kaz whispered, his own eyes veering back to his childhood home. Inej felt a pang in her chest for both aunt and nephew.

 

This house had only held beautiful things for Inej thus far, but for Kaz, for Emilia… it was house of cards. Cards faced with a king and queen that they’d both loved, a jack in Jordie’s likeness. A strong wind of grief could blow and rip this place from them both, tear the sunshine and fresh air into smithereens and shrapnel laced in the blood they shared.

 

It was so unlike Inej’s own return to the caravans, despite the similarity. For Inej, her family had waited within arm’s reach. Kaz and Emilia could not stretch their embrace to the limit of six feet under.

 

“Come anyways.” Kaz said then, his eyes meeting Emilia’s.

 

“Why?” A whisper.

 

“Because someone once told me that vintage grief will still burn going down,” Kaz said, his voice layered in rock salt honesty. “We may as well uncork it and let it breathe.”

 

Pride nestled in Inej’s chest, warm and as happy as a cat within a sunbeam.

 

Emilia watched her nephew, watched as he started toward the house, his invitation finally open. Kaz Brekker did not dwell in sentimentality for long, even if Inej had seen him halt within it for her alone.

 

Inej took a step forward before looking at Emilia. She couldn’t be sure where the words came from, only that she had to share them.

 

“Ya haar lei ke hain.” Inej whispered.

 

Emilia’s dark eyes lifted to her, her ribbon bow tie blowing in the spring breeze. “What does that mean?” she asked, voice both timid and defiant. So much like Kaz.

 

“It’s the words engraved above the door on my family’s caravan. It means: This house was built for those of courage.”

 

Inej smiled once before turning her face to the sun, waltzing after Kaz with the breeze on her cheeks.

 

The dirt crunched behind her under well-made boots and courageous feet meant to go forward.

 

 

EMILIA

 

            The front door was left open for her. The porch creaked beneath her feet. Emilia wondered dimly if she could find her ass print in the grains of the wood on the third step, for she had spent so many nights right there. Right there, with Elle on the top step and Bram leaning against the railing, a bottle passed between them as they laughed and jested against the backdrop of a Kerch summer night.

 

            One day, they had become four, after Jordan had been born. Emilia had shown him his first cicada, right here on this porch, his baby cheeks puffed and tears of a tantrum long forgotten in the sight of a new creature he’d never yet encountered in his twelve weeks of life.

 

            We should have been five, Elena. We should have been five with Kaz.

 

            Emilia felt her legs begin to wobble, her eyes steaming hot enough to blow glass down her cheeks.

 

            “There’s no point in lamenting, you foolish woman.” A fierce whisper prodded her mind with all the softness of a cactus. Her conscience was a fickle bitch, always had been.

 

            Emilia stared at that open portal, a door she’d somehow convinced herself she’d never be welcomed through again. A door she’d thought might stay locked until she rotted on the hill beside her family.

 

            So deep in troubling reverie, Emilia hadn’t expected a noise to come from this house of ghosts. A miraculous thing it was, a blurring of reality. Her ribs seemed mobile, snatching her breath and tucking it deep with bony fingers.

 

            A laugh came from inside the house, light and airy. On the outside, the breeze kicked against the fields, rustling the wheat and carrying with it a whisper.

 

            “Go inside, Em,” that sunshine voice implored.

 

            “Will it hurt, Elle?”

 

            “Of course it will. But would you rather hurt alone or together?”

 

            Emilia Winstrad stepped into the house, wondering if she imagined the way the wood around her seemed to sigh, penning ‘welcome back’s under her prudent footprints.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            Emilia maneuvered herself toward the sounds of her nephew’s cane in the kitchen, toward Inej’s soft speech. She diverted her eyes from the old brick hearth, from the staircase, from every possible memory that might leap from a corner of her mind.

 

            She remembered every step of this house as if it were her own. She remembered all of it. She remembered her sister’s screams in labor with Jordan. She remembered Bram’s off-key singing at the piano bench. She remembered her husbandlatching his hands around her throat as she tried to convince him to let her say goodbye to Bram, Jordan and Kaz on that fateful morning over nineteen years ago. So many happy encounters, tarnished by a handful of the bad.

 

            Emilia walked slowly down the hallway, letting her steps creak as she approached the kitchen archway, the sun from the windows ebbing into the darkened hall. It seemed to glow, that room just within her reach. Did she deserve to be here again, after all this time?

 

            One more step.

 

            First, Emilia saw Kaz at the kitchen sink, his hip propped against the counter as he handed Inej fruit to wash, his smile lingering on the suli woman’s profile without her knowledge.

 

            Then, she realized.

 

            The kitchen was yellow, burning softly in the springtime light. It still smelled slightly of paint, and Emilia couldn’t help but inhale the scent.

 

It felt like a dream answered to her sister’s soul.

 

            Elle, your son is here and your kitchen is as yellow as a marigold.

 

 

 

 

KAZ

 

            “It’s yellow,” Emilia whispered under her breath as she stood in the doorway. “She wanted that.”

 

            Kaz nearly dropped the pear in his hand. No one could have known that about his mother unless she’d told them. Or his father had. Kaz didn’t know what to do with the sudden clog of debris in his throat, pieces of unexpected relief.

 

            Had he doubted Emilia? Yes. Did he still? Of course. Perhaps less, Kaz thought. Maybe that was enough for now.

 

            “Inej painted it our first night here.” Kaz found himself saying as he passed Inej the fruit to rinse for breakfast, not missing the way her fingers intentionally brushed his through his gloves.

 

            “It’s beautiful.” Emilia cleared her throat, stepping further into the room. The confidence had seemingly returned to his aunt’s shoulders as she gripped the back of a chair at the table, eyes dancing around the room.

 

            “I’ve noticed a few spots that could use another coat, but I don’t know if you’ve noticed, I’m slightly on the petite side.” Inej turned over her shoulder, tossing a small smile to Emilia. His aunt snickered softly, a piece of ice fracturing from her demeanor.

 

            “It’s alright ‘Nej, ‘short’ is not a curse word.” Kaz jested, earning a jab from Inej’s elbow into his side as she giggled and dried her hands on a rag and reached for her engagement ring beside the basin.

 

            “That’s beautiful, too. I meant to comment on it at lunch yesterday.” Emilia said then, her face unfolding into a grin as she nodded her chin toward Inej’s ring. Kaz plucked up the knife on the counter and began methodically slicing pears and apples.

 

            “I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to present itself for me to show it off again,” Inej smirked as she walked to show Emilia her ring. Kaz tried to ignore the flutter in his stomach as Inej handed her ring to his aunt for her to inspect the piece. It was so… normal. Inej showing her ring to Emilia. It was like a glimpse into a life that Kaz still wasn’t certain he was living.

 

            A woman with his mother’s face in the same kitchen he’d had nightmares about as a boy, when Mama had been just out of reach.

 

            “The stone, alexandrite, correct?” Emilia held the ring up to the light, the gem sent spots of ruby to the ceiling and across the blade of Kaz’s knife.

 

            Inej nodded eagerly, her smile wide and… dare he say it, gleeful. There went the stupid wings in his stomach again. He was supposed to be upstairs in bed with Inej still, he was reminded bitterly. It was not the time to think of the morning he and Inej had shared, not with his aunt in the kitchen.

 

            “You’re one of the few who knew the name of the gem on the first guess.” Kaz added with no small amount of pride in his choice for Inej’s gemstone.

 

            “I’m a woman who likes women and fine things. Of course I knew.” Emilia jested with a stern scoff. Kaz’s lips kicked into a private smirk.

 

            “I adore this, the waves in the setting. Unique.” Emilia praised as she passed the ring back to Inej.

 

            “The sea means a lot to me. To us,” Inej replied softly. Kaz felt her eyes on him and he met her gaze easily, answering an “I love you” she hadn’t needed to speak. Inej took up a seat at the table.

 

            “Oh?” Emilia asked as she slid into the chair across from Inej.

 

            “Yes,” Inej began as she slipped her ring onto her finger, twisting the band around once to get it just right.

 

            Right. This was the part that Kaz’s scheming mind hadn’t worked through telling Emilia; what he and Inej truly did with their lives. Why the sea meant so much to Inej, and now, to him. He’d not lied to Emilia, that night in her cottage. He did own his own gambling house. The rest hadn’t come out, though. Kaz knew it to be a lie by omission, he’d lied too many times to count in his life.

 

            This was one of the few that still hadn’t settled right in his gut, days later.

 

            Before Inej could speak, Kaz did. He didn’t know why he tried to veer the conversation in another direction.

 

            “So, I suppose you have something to do with the…” He gestured with a flick of his knife out the window toward the fields, where he could hear distant shouts of farm hands the low broil of a soil turning wheel.

 

            Emilia folded her hands on the table, her black eyes meeting his own from across the small kitchen.

 

            “I simply put in the call to action. I found out about the contract your brother had initiated when I went digging for yours and his whereabouts at the town hall. Because of my relation to Elena, an archivist took pity on me and gave me all official filings held in the Rietveld name. I suppose having the same face as Elle was proof enough to them.” Emilia shrugged, her fingers tapping the old wooden table.

 

            “You could have been tailored.” Inej interjected. Kaz had thought the same thing, but he’d discarded it when he realized it was nearly impossible. He himself hadn’t even known his mother’s face, there were no portraits of her that he’d ever seen. It would be a foolish thing for anyone to walk into Lij, a place filled with people who would remember his mother and father, and hope to pass off a tailoring job that wasn’t so perfect it had to be true. He voiced as much, Emilia nodding beside Inej.

 

            “I had nothing to do with the contract, as you well know.” Emilia continued.

 

            “But Jordie did.” Kaz’s knife stopped mid-slice on an apple before continuing.

 

            What the hell did you do, Jordie? Why did you put this contract in place? It should have been you here. You should have been here. We both should have fucking been here. How did you know it wouldn’t be you?

 

            “They shouldn’t bother.” Kaz eyed the window before he shook his head bitterly and reached for the next fruit to meet his anger exercise. He ignored Inej’s eyes on him. He also ignored Emilia’s annoyed gaze.

 

            “Why not?”

 

            “We’re only here for a few more days. I can’t oversee the harvests from Ketterdam.”

 

            Here he was, Kaz Rietveld. It could only be that side of himself speaking, for harvests meant money and he was entirely uninterested in that kruge.

 

            “I see.” Emilia hummed quietly. Something in her simple words forced Kaz to abandon his hatred of the apple beneath his knife and look up. Emilia’s eyes were focused on her own hands, her face turned away slightly. “Urgent business in the city then?”

 

            “Something like that.” Inej added, the words shaking on her exhale as she rolled her shoulders back under the thin linen of his shirt that she still wore. Emilia had no idea. The urgent business was not in Ketterdam, but instead in Hell with a slaver and his fortress of sea and brimstone.

 

            And Kaz wouldn’t be going with Inej. The reminder stung.

 

            Emilia nodded only once. Kaz didn’t know why he was analyzing her so closely this time. Why he… why did he want her to say something more? She had to have known he and Inej were only staying a short while. He’d told her they lived in Ketterdam. It had been clear, hadn’t it?

 

            A heavy moment passed between the three of them, only Kaz’s violent blade striking the cutting board echoed around them. Emilia straightened in her seat once more, shifting one leg over the other beneath the table.

 

            “Those men and women out there wanted that contract, too. Many of them hoped for a return to work on Rietveld farms, even a decade later. They remembered a time when there was no better property to be employed, even in times of drought. Let them work this Harvest and see what they can sow. Let them oversee it themselves and report to me for you. If you give me a place to post a letter, I will send you updates.” Emilia propositioned, her words taking on a sharp edge.

 

            They were negotiating. Kaz didn’t know why he’d rather be negotiating with every Barrel Boss in Ketterdam at once than hosting this parlay with his aunt’s eyes pinning him to the ground.

 

            Kaz felt his cheeks warm, felt anger and shame throw blows against each other on his tongue, battling for the chance to spew words. When had the room become so warm?

 

            He should honor Da’s and Jordie’s wishes.

 

            What right did Emilia have to tell him what to do with his house? With his farm? With his life?

 

            Inej was watching him, but Kaz was stuck staring at the fruit carnage on his chopping board. He didn’t want to see her words. He didn’t want to hear Inej’s reasoning or Emilia’s.

 

            What was the big deal? It was some fields that had laid dormant for too long. He should just let the entire thing play out. He didn’t need to care about it.

 

            Except, he did. Kaz didn’t know why he cared about it so much. Perhaps it was because this farm was his family’s only legacy. Maybe it was because he didn’t think…

 

            Kaz didn’t deserve to see it returned to its previous glory. He hadn’t earned the Rietveld property. He’d cast that boy aside and became a piece of machinery with the stamp of “Brekker” in his armor.

 

            Kaz dropped the knife to the counter, shrugging out of his blazer and tossing it to the lip of the sink basin. He was sweating. It was too fucking hot. Shame burned up his throat.Kaz knew to Emilia, he might appear annoyed. To Inej, he knew she’d know something was wrong. That made the bile burn hotter.

 

            Rolling up his sleeves to his elbows but leaving his gloves, Kaz gripped the counter, breathing deeply. This was not like a panic attack, he still had his calm, but not enough of it. It was… it was a different sort of demon that held him by his collar, now.

 

            It was Rietveld, screaming for him to listen to Jordie. It was Rietveld smashing his fists against his gut and demanding to be paid what he was owed.

 

            “Kaz,” Inej’s voice stuttered. Kaz looked up to find her eyes flickering between himself and Emilia.

 

            No, not at him. At his forearm.

 

            The Crow and Cup tattoo.

 

            Kaz let go of the hope that Emilia wouldn’t know what it was the moment he lifted his eyes to his aunt. Her eyes were focused on his tattoo, the needling worse than when the ink was actually laid.

 

            She’d spent time in Ketterdam. She’d looked for him and Jordie when she’d returned to Kerch. She would know of the gangs that reigned in the under belly, if only by name.

 

            Emilia sucked in a breath, recognition splashed plainly across her face.

 

            “That would make you part of The Dregs.” Emilia whispered, her face turning to him, lips pressed in a tight line.

 

            “Yes.” Kaz replied. He couldn’t lie. He wanted to. He would have hated himself if he had.It was still a lie by omission.

 

            I’m not a part of The Dregs. Kaz Brekker is The Dregs.

 

            Emilia stared at him, unblinking and silent. This is the part where she would regret her kindness to him. Regret ever trying to find him. Recognize that the boy she could have loved had died, even if she had seen his father and mother in him. He was certain of it.

 

            How could she possibly understand? Had he put this place in danger? His farm? His family graves? His tentative idea for a ‘someday’ with Inej? Had he fucked up so royally by rolling up the sleeve of his shirt? By gambling away a molecule of trust to his aunt, this essential stranger?

 

            Emilia stood then. Kaz didn’t understand the fresh cracks that sprouted from the weak points inside him. He prepared to watch her leave with slightly unsteady breath. Inej watched on, her hands pressed to the table, prepared to stand and come to him.

 

            Instead Emilia walked around the table and stood beside him.

 

            “You are also Kaz Rietveld.” She did not say the words as a question, yet Kaz nodded sharply, just once. He looked at the knife on the block, at his gloved fingers gripping the counter.

 

            Shame gripped him too tightly to turn his head and face her. He felt like a coward.

 

            Fearless. Fearless.

 

Jordie, I don’t feel fearless like you told me I would be. I should tell her, right now. I should tell her the name ‘Brekker’ and watch her leave. Why do I care, Jordie? I hardly know her.

 

“Well then. I suppose that explains the blood on your shirt sleeves that I mended.” Emilia said quietly as she began to scoop the fruit he’d previously sliced into the waiting dish on the counter.

 

Kaz didn’t understand what was happening. Any sensible person would be halfway back to town by now, too scared of thugs and criminals to share fresh fruit.

 

“You aren’t leaving?” Kaz rasped.

 

Emilia turned to look at him, and this time, he lifted his eyes to her and straightened himself. His shoulder blades did not loosen, but he felt stronger. Kaz had never been eggshells, he was made of tougher stuff, but for a moment, he’d felt something akin to a marble under a mallet. Breakable. Shatter-able.

 

“No.” Emilia said, the word clear and crisp. “We’re having breakfast.”

 

“That’s it?” Kaz asked, the sand in his throat shaking loose in the form of a deeper rasp.

 

Emilia turned to him with a razor edged grin, one he’d perfected on his own face years ago. He swallowed.

 

“We’re having breakfast and talking.” She amended as she popped an apple slice into her mouth on her way back to the table. The table where Inej still sat, eyes wide and jaw slightly agape.

 

“Kaz’s favorite pastime.” Inej whispered under her breath, shaking her head at the sheer ridiculousness of the situation.

 

Kaz couldn’t help the dark chuckle that escaped him as he met his fiancé’s eyes from across the room.

 

If they’d been alone, he most certainly could have turned that into some sort of innuendo.

 

Kaz limped to the table and sat, his knee grateful for the reprieve after the trek across the lawn, and after so little sleep. That and the physical exertion of the morning and night, but he most certainly wasn’t complaining.

 

A moment passed as Inej stood and fetched them each jars filled with water from the sink. They still hadn’t cleaned up the mess of dishes from their dinner the night prior, Kaz noted. He supposed they’d had much better things to do.

 

Once Inej sat, Kaz reached for her knee under the table and gripped. He had no idea what was about to happen, but he felt like a cheat at the tables in the Crow Club who had just had all his dirty cards splayed out for everyone to see.

 

Kaz felt Inej’s fingers curl around his, warm and firm through the gloves that he suddenly wanted to tear off just to feel more.

 

Kaz ran his other hand through his mess of hair and leaned back in his chair. A man awaiting trial, jury of his own blood.

 

“So, can I ask why?” Emilia hedged as she picked at the bowl of fruit, selecting a slice of pear.

 

“Why what?” Kaz asked.

 

“Why ‘Brekker’?” Emilia glanced up, not a crease in her brow. Not a hint of trepidation left.  

 

Kaz froze, there in the sunshine with his hand gripping Inej’s leg like a vice. How did she know?

 

“Time to speak,” the voice in his mind reminded. “Time to be Brekker. No one gets a step ahead of Kaz Brekker.”

 

Kaz’s mouth opened. It closed.

 

Brekker had abandoned Rietveld to flounder, laughing on his way back to Ketterdam, pockets heaving with kruge from a harvest he didn’t care about.

 

She knew.

Notes:

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SOOOOO. SOOO? (did you listen to the song? I'm very committed)

Chapter 143: The Mistakes In The Mending

Summary:

Kaz faces something new.

Notes:

CHAPTER 143!!!!!!!

HELLO. LOOK AT ME TWO DAYS LATER. DO YOU SEE? IT IS I. THE AUTHOR. ON TIME!!! *round of unamused applause*
Anyways, here we are. The next one is going to be big, too. But for a very very long time, I've been waiting to write this one. I've been waiting for you to read this one. It nearly broke me. I hope you love it. I really really do.

Thank you for every single ounce of support you've shown me, dear reader. I love you all more than I could possibly convey. But I'll keep trying.

I really want to set aside some time to be in the comments with you all tomorrow, so I'd love to hear from you. This was something special. I read every comment and it literally motivates me so much to hear from you guys. <3 Not to mention how much sunlight it brings into my life to read your thoughts. <3

"Traveling Song" By Ryn Weaver (the end of the song, for the end of the chapter. It's... it's perfect. Maybe more perfect than the last song rec. It means a whole lot to me and let's just say it fits the character.)

INEJ

 

            Kaz was pale. Paler than Inej had seen him in quite some time. His pupils were blown wide, yet his breathing remained a semblance to even. His hand gripped her leg tight, the leather of his glove creaking as his knuckles flexed.

 

            Inej didn’t understand. How did Emilia know he was Kaz Brekker, just from the tattoo? Inej supposed his first name had always remained consistent, but ‘Kaz’ was not entirely uncommon a Kerch name. Unique, true, but Inej had encountered at least one or two other men during her time in Ketterdam with the name.

 

            “You knew?” Kaz whispered finally, his lashes finally fluttering in a startled blink. Emilia’s brows pinched together, her ruby lips hinting a smirk at the corners.

 

            “Not exactly, but I guessed right.” Emilia answered, leaning back in her chair casually.

 

            “How? Just because I’m ‘Kaz’ either way?” Kaz stuttered, the words tripping and falling out of his mouth. Inej squeezed his fingers.

 

            Emilia looked thoughtful for a long moment, she twisted a strand of dark hair back into the confines of her bun. The sun shined directly onto their table. A spotlight if Inej had ever seen one in her time as a performer.

 

            “You don’t want me to know.” Emilia replied instead of answering, a simple observation that made Inej want to scratch at the woman’s eyes. It was the first time Inej had felt a surge of true anger in Emilia’s presence. 

 

            How could she know? Had she known? If she had… that changed everything. Every moment for Kaz in her presence.It would become a lie shrouded in perfume. It would be a lie wearing Kaz’s mother’s face. Inej could not imagine a greater omission. Kaz didn’t deserve that, no matter his past. No one did.

 

            “Answer him.” Inej said then, the Wraith leaking through the cracks of her gritted teeth.

 

            Emilia’s black eyes flicked to Inej, the only indication of response she gave. Inej wondered if she should have put more than one blade in her waistband, even if she’d never use it on Kaz’s aunt.

 

            Her sharp friends would just make her feel better, was all.

 

            “Does anyone else here know?” Kaz rasped in a whisper.

 

            “No.” Emilia replied with a sure shake of her head. “Of course not.” Emilia looked nearly offended by the implication. Inej wanted to believe her.

 

            Kaz’s fingers flexed on Inej’s thigh, loosening only a fraction. Her fingers gripped his tighter in stark contrast.

 

            “If you could figure it out, then maybe someone else will have.” Inej returned, the words partnered with an angry sigh.

 

            “Not likely, dove.” Emilia answered as she reached for a sip of her water. Inej had all but forgotten about breakfast. Her stomach was too twisted with nerves, churning on fear and bitter feelings she’d be wiser to cast aside. She couldn’t.

 

            “Why?” Inej growled.

 

            Emilia looked at her for a long moment, then glanced back at her nephew who had not turned his defiant glare from her face. The woman sighed, seeming to come to a decision.

 

            “Because I doubt anyone paid the information I noted any mind.”

 

            On her feminine pale fingers, Emilia began to make a list.

 

            “Inej. Or, shall I say, Captain Inej. Your hands are calloused; between your thumb and pointer finger most predominantly- indicative of intense work with roping. They call it a “sailors mark”. A map of work shown on the body that implies labor upon a vessel for significant amounts of time. In your right waistband, you carry a blade, in your left boot, I noticed a glint of metal, too, when we were outside.

 

“The ring you wear has barely begun to leave a tan line, but yesterday at lunch, I spied the empty chain you’d worn around your neck. It’s missing today, but I digress it is the easiest place to keep a ring when one’s hands must be free of adornment,” Emilia paused.

 

“Your walk is delicate, yet with no less than perfect posture, no small feat to anyone who dwells on land… but if one was perhaps accustomed to the sea as well, it would be even more necessary a tool of the trade. Not only that, but on the toes of your boots, there is a fine white line. Salt rings, caused from over exposure to the ocean water that erodes the leather.”

 

            Emilia’s gaze veered to Kaz, she lifted her other hand and began anew with a single deep breath.

 

“The cane might seem the deadest giveaway if one is familiar with the legend of Kaz Brekker, but shockingly, I took no value of that observation. More than one man or woman has a mobility aid across this country. Instead, I observed the slits in the tips of your gloves. Invisible to the naked eye, what with the thin inner-lining being a matching black cotton. But, if one were to perhaps notice the way condensation seeps into only one point of the fingertip at a lunch table after the wearer reaches for a drink in a sweating glass, then it’s visible. Water gathers on leather, sinks through cotton. Slits in the tips would allow for far better card shuffling, too, if I’m not mistaken.

 

“Second, comes the lingering scent of cigar smoke and the black evidence in the seams from your blazer I mended. I confirmed you did not smoke yourself, and whilst you told me you owned a gambling hall, I knew this amount of buildup meant you seemed to take a more active approach to your ownership, rather than only title. Enough so that you must regularly sit within smoke filled spaces, enough so that you probably hold a responsibility to be there. In Ketterdam, it was told to me once to pay attention to the men and women who sit amongst the crowds but avoid the vices. Those are the most dangerous ones. The most cunning. Next, I’ll indicate your shoe and the outward scuff of black along the back heel.” Emilia pointed around the table, directly to the foot on Kaz’s good leg.

 

“Not much of an observation unless one is familiar with the things clothing can tell about a person. It tells all sorts of things. Namely you might guess, that you favor that side when walking, but more importantly, that is a harsh carve, singular. It means you have run in the recent past, rather than the overall build-up of scratches from simply walking over time. Not only that, a run through an area that is coated with smog, it left black scuffs of grime rather than a simple scratch. Ketterdam is a city of smog, but the Barrel… that place left black marks on my shoes every time I ventured there.

 

“Next, when Inej was sick at Sadie’s inn, you began to kneel at the door before you caught yourself. I’d already seen your lock picks, but the fact that you were certain enough you could pick a lock in broad daylight, quick enough not to get caught, tells me that you not only have confidence in your skill, but more importantly, the experience to back up your ego. No grunt in a gang would have quite that much confidence. Only a leader.

 

“Lastly, an alexandrite gem went missing in Ketterdam less than half a year ago, a priceless piece of extraordinary value from a Shu Han jeweler. It was splashed across the post from here to Novyi Zem. In fact, the culprit was never caught.” Emilia took the newspaper she’d carried earlier from her back pocket and tossed the post to the table between them. “Page six news, now. It’s fading in popularity.”

 

“That is all to say I’m excluding the evidence of the gloves beyond the slits, the cane, the blood on your shirt sleeve, and the lock picks. Not to mention the fact that I confessed to murder and neither of you even shifted uncomfortably. I’m also excluding Inej’s venture from my showroom window and the compass sitting on the counter behind me three paces to the right beside a satchel, half-heartedly tucked beneath a piece of paper with notes for a sea heading.”

 

Emilia finished her deduction, the period at the end of her sentence was a twist of her fingers to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear as she leaned back in her seat, a picture of casual and smug.

 

Inej did not remember to blink through the entire ordeal.

 

It was like seeing Kaz reveal a scheme, for the first time, all over again.

 

 

 

 

KAZ

 

            A song bird chirped outside the window. His time piece ticked in his pocket. The scent of fruit mixed with the dull scent of paint. His neck itched, and he couldn’t be bothered to scratch it.

 

            These were all things Kaz knew.

 

            Emilia Winstrad had taken Kaz’s personage apart like a puzzle, with no picture to reference.

 

            This was also something he knew.

 

            Kaz was wading through a bog of uncertainty, the mud made of his various masks, all useless and discarded and stomped upon. None would stick to his face anymore. He was a shadow thrust into the sunlight, surprised that it showed his outline more clearly rather disintegrating him.

 

            Kaz reached forward and pulled an apple slice from the bowl of fruit and bit on it, just for something to do. He needed to occupy the teeth he’d begun to grind.

 

            “How did you know me? How did you guess me?” Inej muttered, and Kaz couldn’t tell if she actually wanted an answer from his aunt.

 

            “You mean beyond what I’ve listed?” Emilia raised a manicured brow.

 

            “No… I mean, how could I have been in your guessing pool? Where did you possibly hear of my existence to begin with?” Inej looked up at his aunt through long black lashes.

 

            “Oh,” Emilia paused, her features fluttering into something softer, like a petal falling from a rose. “That one is less technical, I’m afraid. I simply saw your name on that document covering the compass behind me. I’ve heard of you before because… well, long story short- your name has been around Kerch, on lips amongst women, particularly. I only connected a straight line between my observations, confirmation of your surname, and the whispers I’d heard.”

 

            “Fuck.” Kaz half laughed, half growled. It was a trapped noise in his throat, the emotion beneath it wicked and sharp.

 

            Emilia was his aunt.

 

            Emilia had analyzed him to confirm her guess into his false identity, and Inej’s. That part was the worst. Was he impressed? More than he could have ever imagined.

 

            Was he disappointed? More than he ever had been. He’d not let it show.

 

            The puzzle pieces slid into place for Kaz. It was obvious now, wasn’t it?

 

            “So what do you want, then? Kruge? Connections? Property?” Kaz rasped, settling back into the only mask Emilia could never take from him. This mask covered his dirty hands, supple as leather and cutting as razor blades.

 

            “Excuse me?” Emilia leaned forward, face twisted in confusion.

 

            Kaz scoffed, mirthless and cruel. He dropped his hand from Inej’s leg, shaking his fingers free of hers. To her credit, she did not look at him. Good, better this business handled without the distraction.

 

            “You analyzed me. You watched everything about me, to what end? No normal long last family member would have observed that closely. No, you were looking for a confirmation on something. Perhaps you had suspicions from our first meeting? Before that? All of our meeting was an act, perhaps? I won’t honor your motive with speculation. It doesn’t matter if the outcome is the same. You have successfully sleuthed out my identity, whilst I’m out of the Barrel. The protection I have here is limited to myself--"

 

            “Excuse me?” Inej turned her face to him then, eyes slicing down his cheeks faster than any saint in her arsenal.

 

            “And Inej.” He amended without turning his head, cutting his losses.

 

“You may have wanted a nephew to begin with, but clearly you saw an opportunity for something better. You have audience with me and my entire origins to bargain with. You clearly stated I didn’t wish you to know my alias. You must have deduced that that also translates to me not wanting anyone in Ketterdam knowing my true name. Or about this place.” Kaz paused and narrowed his eyes on Emilia.

 

            “It certainly is opportune for you, though. These secrets are about the only ones my reputation could not afford to recover from should they leak.” Kaz shrugged, folding his gloved hands together over the table.

 

            “So, I’ll ask again,” Kaz spat. “What do you want?”

 

            Inej was straight backed and silent beside him. Kaz tried to ignore the anger he felt radiating off of his fiancé, clearly she was annoyed with his tactics. He didn’t care, Inej had to see the truth right in front of them.

 

            Emilia blinked at him. Once, twice. Her shoulders lifted in a deep breath. He knew he’d been right. Here it came, her price for silence.People were predictable, most always a disappointment dressed in human skin.

 

            “This is what you think of me, then.” Emilia said, voice like a shadow on the wall of a child’s bedroom. Flat, and terrifying.

 

Kaz swallowed, tossing his wrist out in a careless gesture of “obviously”.

 

            “I would not speak your secrets to a soul.” Emilia whispered before continuing.

 

“On one count, we can agree. I am not just any person reunited with family I’d long thought lost. I’m the person who bled hope for nineteen years to stand in this room with nothing but honesty to offer. Two decades I marched, two decades I sat beneath storm and star and prayed to my dead twin for guidance I knew might never come.

 

“For two decades, I blew out a candle on my nephews’ birthdays, both of them.” Emilia’s nails were digging into her palms, a dot of blood creeping down the side of her clenched fist.

 

“I would have asked nothing for my silence, Kaz. Nothing but for you to speak the truth to me, when you were ready to share it.” Emilia’s eyes fell to her own hands where she used the sleeve of her blouse to wipe away her own blood, the white fabric turning a sickly pink beneath.

 

“You speak in a past tense.” Kaz rasped. He regretted it when Emilia’s eyes looked up at him. There was nothing but fire to be found there, her long black eyelashes were bellows puffed with oxygen, fanning the flames around bridges he’d never gotten to cross.

 

Worse was the sorrow in the silver around those eyes. Eyes just like his own.

 

Emilia stood, straightening a wrinkle from her blouse as she went.

 

“I thought you said you weren’t leaving.” Kaz sneered. It was treacherous terrain for those words as they climbed up his throat, but he forced them out. One more thing she was proving him right on. She was leaving.

 

Emilia looked down at him. He did not squirm. Men had pointed barrels down his throat and his eyes had held their trigger fingers still.

 

This was the first time his own eyes had stared back at him.

 

“There is a difference between leaving because of who you are and leaving because of who I must be.” She responded. “This is the second.”

 

“I ask one thing of you, now, Kaz. And for it, I will pay dearly, I assure you.” Emilia’s voice had lost its silver splendor, it’s kindness, it’s… spirit. Of course she had something to ask of him.Pity she thought I’d be played a fool.

 

“Voice it, then.” Kaz sighed, letting boredom encompass his face, his mannerisms. He’d never show this woman weakness again. He built it all up, brick by brick. The thick blood they shared was his grout.

 

Inej loosed a breath beside him, but his eyes did not waver from Emilia’s. He hoped it was the last time he saw her. She’d almost had him fooled with the story about his parents, with the portrait she’d sketched in his likeness. With his father’s letters. Almost. She’d almost had him convinced.

 

Emilia turned her face toward the door, no longer looking at him or Inej, but instead at the yellow paint.

 

“Did he die in pain?” It was subtle, the way Emilia’s entire body trembled under the words. It was as if she never wanted him to see her weakness, either. He didn’t believe it.

 

“Who?” Kaz scoffed. What game was she playing with him?

 

“My nephew. Jordan.” Emilia whispered. “Did he go peacefully?”

 

Kaz’s eyes widened, the breath in his chest turning to thick sand.

 

“He was asleep.” Kaz answered before Dirtyhandscould stop him. It was not a lie, but Jordie’s death had not been peaceful. Yet, no matter what she had done to him, Kaz still couldn’t add that weight to anyone’s shoulders but his own.

 

Emilia nodded once, her shoulders dropping. It looked like relief. It looked like a thousand pounds of silk a woman had carried alone.

 

“It is relief,” a farm boy whispered from within him. Kaz smothered him with his fists.

 

“That is my curse, I think.” Emilia’s voice quivered. “Observation.”

 

“What do you mean?” Kaz pressed despite his better judgement.

 

“You said nothing of peace. For either of you.” Emilia answered. Her shoulders had not sagged in relief, Kaz realized, they had been depressed with more burden.

 

Inej’s breath halted beside him, her hands pressed to the table. She was clearly resisting the urge to stand.

 

“One more confession toward the offenses you have laid against me, and then I will leave you be. Not a word of this conversation will leave my lips, I give you my word as a woman and vow it on my hands, the tool of my craft.” Emilia said, the strength in her voice was hollowed. The man beneath Kaz’s gloves hated it.

 

It was one of the oldest Kerch traditions. A vow of the highest honor. A promise made on your only means of livelihood. For Emilia, it was her seamstress hands she promised to Ghezen’s wrath if she ever broke her word. In all Kaz’s years, not one man had vowed such a promise to him. Not even when his pistol had been pressed to their skull.

 

It was a vow that if broken, you should be cursed to never have independence again.

 

“I kept this. I shouldn’t have. But I was selfish, Kaz Elias. I thought, perhaps, I could give it to you… if I was given the chance to know you better. It was in the sealed envelope of that contract Daan Tiers gave you. I was the one to open the contract, after all these years. Back when I visited the Lij archives. He left it in there for you, I suppose. I didn’t read it, no matter how tempting it may have been.” Emilia reached into her pocket and produced another, smaller square of parchment than the document Daan had given him outside.

 

Kaz barely registered her words. The sun felt colder on his cheeks. The walls seemed white again.

 

“I would have liked to know you better. Both of you.” Emilia added in a whisper. It was not a goodbye, but it felt like one.

 

Just like that, Kaz’s aunt’s footsteps descended down the yawning black of the hallway. In her wake, a yellow envelope laid on the table. Next to it, Kaz could only focus on the tiny drop of blood dotting the wooden table top.

 

Only one thought circulated in the abyss of Kaz’s mind.

 

In the end, Kaz Brekker had taken blood from his own family, too. A line he’d never crossed.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            “I’m going to go take a shower.” Inej whispered to him. He didn’t know if she’d actually whispered, or if he’d just been too far away to hear her properly. She didn’t touch him, but he felt her fingers linger beside his shoulder, only for a moment. He was glad of it.

 

            Kaz didn’t hear her leave, only registered her absence when the sun shifted its slant from the windows and left Kaz in the shade he was accustomed to. He didn’t know how long it had been since Emilia had left, how long Inej had sat there at the table, silently with him. Sitting with him in the abyss, trying to reach out her hand.

 

            The bowl of fruit still sat, mostly untouched. Kaz thought he should chuck it in the bin or bring it to Ally in the stables. He didn’t feel like standing. Kaz barely had the energy to trace his eyes back to the folded yellow square on the table, the parchment still crisp despite its age. He supposed it had been stored carefully in the archives for many years.

 

            Kaz’s fingers twitched as he reached forward. It felt like his arm was made of brick, but he managed to grasp the edge and drag the envelope toward himself. On the face, only a ‘K.R.’ greeted him.

 

            Kaz tucked it in his pocket as he stood. He couldn’t sit here any longer. He couldn’t force his mind to scheming for Inej’s voyage, either.

 

            Kaz made his way through the hall into the living room, where he could hear the running water from Inej’s shower in the bathroom. Part of him longed to knock on the door, and just sit near her. How was he to reconcile this morning? He’d awoken happier than he’d ever been. His entire body felt lighter than it ever had.

 

            He should have stayed in bed with Inej. He should never have come here. He should have come sooner.

 

            The other part of Kaz longed for solitude. Away from anyone he might lash out at, away from this house, away from his city. Away from his schemes and his gloves.Just… away.

 

            Kaz left a short note on the kitchen table for Inej so she wouldn’t come looking for him or stress. Then, Kaz plucked up his cane and the fruit bowl, leaving a handful of apple slices next to a glass of water for Inej.

 

            Kaz trekked down the path toward the barn, letting the fresh scent of wheat fill his lungs. Far across the fields, Kaz could hear the distant shouts of the workers Emilia had called to the property.

 

            Ally whinnied the moment Kaz stepped into her stall to dump the fresh fruit into her bin. Kaz let himself fall into a calm as he took the time to fetch her fresh water and brush down her coat.

 

At some point, his feet carried him from the barn, knowing exactly where he wanted to be. He’d walk, despite his knee’s protest.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sun was dipping into afternoon’s cradle as Kaz stepped over boulders, twigs cracking beneath his boots. He could hear the bubble of the stream ahead through the foliage of the woods. Brushing a tree branch aside with his cane, Kaz caught his first glimpse of diamond water under the sun.

 

The woods were on the far end of the Rietveld property, not especially dense or large, but to a boy, Kaz had always wondered if he could get lost in these trees forever. Perhaps it was because the trees had held such mystery to a child who was used to nothing but open fields through his window.

 

These trees had been climbing courses. They’d been giant’s fingers waiting to snatch children up to feed to wood sprites. They’d been refuge from chores he’d procrastinated on. They’d been a constant source of sticks to throw for Timber.

 

Kaz stepped out of the tree cover onto the rocky banks of the brook. Flattened boulders dotted the edges and reached bravely out into the small waterfalls and rapids. Across the stream, more fields greeted Kaz, though no longer Rietveld property.

 

“The stream’s the marker, boys, no farther than that with your antics or old man Grighan will have a fit over crushed stalks and your Da can’t handle him.” Da’s laughing voice called to Kaz from a distant memory of when he’d allowed Kaz and Jordie freedom for the long summer afternoons.

 

Kaz pushed pebbles around with his cane as he strolled along the bank, avoiding any loose stones. His mind quieted by the moment, all thoughts of Emilia thrown to the wind along with anything else that was not the sun on his face or the gurgle of the water beside him.

 

When he came to the place he’d sought, Kaz felt his mind inflate with thoughts once more.

 

There, ten feet ahead of him, was a large flat boulder, dips in the surface allowed for small puddle-sized pools of water to collect from the rapids’ mist and slide down the sides. Because of the water source, a tree had sprouted between the cracks of the rock, thick and threatening in its defiant choice of location.

 

“Our tree,” Jordie had called it, convinced that no other Rietveld had ever discovered it.

 

Kaz felt a shiver crawl along his neck when he realized how much the tree had grown since he’d last been here.

 

Or maybe, Kaz felt smaller than he had as a boy, today.

 

Kaz found himself settling down on the boulder, back pressed against that familiar bark of Jordie’s tree. Kaz ripped the gloves from his hands and shoved them deep into his pocket as he dipped his hands into a tiny pool beside his outstretched legs. Scrubbing his face of the sweat and exertion of his walk, Kaz inhaled over and over again.

 

Was it only last week that he’d returned to this fresh air? Was it only last week that he couldn’t even remember the scent of wheat or the way it felt to dip his hands into fresh water?

 

Kaz squinted up through the branches of the tree, counting the cracks of sunlight between the leaves.

 

What had he done?

 

Had he gotten it all wrong?

 

Kaz didn’t know where the strength came from, but suddenly his hand was reaching into his pocket for the letter Emilia had left him. Kaz wondered if there had been a letter addressed to Jordie too, if his brother had taken his own when he’d reworked the contract after Da had died.

 

Kaz hoped his brother had gotten one more letter from their father, too.

 

Kaz gulped one more breath of fresh air as he tore the seal of the envelope and removed two sheets of white parchment.

 

Everything stopped around Kaz. The water ceased to gurgle, the birds quit their song. The earth refused to spin. Clouds fell from their pirouettes across the sky.

 

This letter was not from his father.

 

Kaz didn’t know what sound left him, only that it was surely the sound a dying man might make. A choke. A moan. A strangled breaking of spirit. His hands shook like the leaves above him, the letter fluttering between his fingers.

 

Jordie.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Little Brother,

 

I hope by the time you read this, we’re rich old men with gold tied to our shoes just to hear it jingle. (Or, if you are not my brother, I hope you disregard everything you read. If you are a future generation of our proud line, I hope you got my cheekbones passed down to you.)

 

If you are Kaz, hi squirt. I hope I’m next to you while you read this because I’m terribly witty and I can’t wait to see you scowl. Are we alright? We’re leaving for Ketterdam in two days. I know how sad you are… and I’m trying not to be, Kaz. I’m sorry we can’t bring Timber with us.

 

If I were older like Da, maybe I’d figure out a way to do this whole “head of the family” thing better. I can’t believe he’s gone. It’s only been days, Kaz. I miss him so much. I know he’s with Mama, though. I just know it. They’re out there eating cookies and dancing and waiting for us on a cloud.

 

Right now, you’re upstairs packing. I swear if I find one more of my books shoved into your suitcase I’m going to tickle you until you scream. (If future me is with you, this is a reminder of that promise. Don’t touch my stuff. I’m old and big and can surely still best you in a duel now.)

 

If I’m not with you…

 

If I’m not with you…

 

Da had the contract with this letter in place, but I wanted to amend it. The solicitor told me it wasn’t important to reword it… but I had to. I wanted to make sure that if you decided to come back home before me, you had a way to make this our farm again.  (I’m pretty sure the lawyer thinks I’m dim just because I’m only thirteen, but I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than him and he went to University.) Or if I own the farm again, I hope future me is enjoying giving you this letter anyways.

 

I hope I made us rich in Ketterdam. I hope you are tall and at least half as good looking as I surely am. I hope you fell in love like Mama and Da and I hope she’s pretty. Tell my future sister (or brother? I don’t think so but I wouldn’t care none either way so long as they’re funny and nice) that she’s one of those Saints the Ravkan’s worship for liking you so much. You’re annoying as hell but what a catch you are.

 

I know I’m married to Lily Arbor. Tell my wife I love her if you see her before I do. I know I’m young but I’m not stupid enough to let her go. I’m going to go to Ketterdam and then come win her back with silent poetry.

 

(If I’m not married to Lily, please tell my future wife or husband that I love them and sorry, I actually am young and stupid. And that they are very pretty and I will sleep on the sofa.)

 

I won’t forgive myself if I’m not serious through some of this, so here it goes Kazzy:

Be brave. Be bold. Be ruthless like the knights in the books I tell you about. Be exactly who you’ve always been. Fearless.

 

            If I’m sitting next to you, please don’t look at me. I do actually like you, little brother.

 

            I guess I just wanted to write you something to make you laugh when you come home. I know you will, Kaz. You have told me about a thousand times that you’re gunna buy this farm back and I ain’t got a single doubt about it. I hope I help you do it.

 

            You’re my best, best, friend, Kaz.

 

            If I’m not with you…

 

            If I’m not with you, know I am with you. I promise on every finger.

 

            I love you, brother.

 

                        -Jordie Rietveld

 

 

            Kaz curled his littlest finger into the empty air beside him, with tears on his cheeks.

Notes:

Socials!:

tiktok: @ravenyenn19

tumblr: @ravenyenn19

So.... so. So... I'm sorry.

This chapter is for the Jordie's of this world, the ones who grew up too fast and held tight to their spirits. May you always find time to smile under sunshine shaded trees.

Chapter 144: That Kind

Summary:

Facing Shame.

Notes:

CHAPTER 144!!!!!!!

Hi. It's me again. Can you believe it? I really can't. I'm going to keep this one short and sweet, but I sincerely hope you love this (as I always do). It's... woof. We're going big in the next few, but this is the start of a very special few chapters partnered with the last one. <3

Thank you for an eternity of kindness that you have bestowed upon me. You all mean the world to me. I love you.

Please let me know what you think? I've been so inspired lately and you guys help with that so much. <3 Also I'm going to be going through the past few chapters tomorrow and getting back to some comments since I didn't get to today like I wanted to! <3

"Brother" by Madds Buckley (this song is all over tiktok rn, but holy sh*t it came to me at the right time. Kaz's POV. Beginning of the chapter.)

KAZ

 

            The sun had begun to shed her daytime attire in exchange for the maroons and gold of late afternoon. Kaz had paced in his mind, his body had sat. He’d stared at the sky. He’d counted the veins of a natural quartz stone he’d found in the bottom of a pool atop Jordie’s boulder.

 

            Kaz knew he should stand. He should go back to the house. He’d been gone for hours. A not-so-small part of Kaz cursed himself for leaving Inej a note, maybe if he hadn’t, she’d have come to find him. Kaz knew she’d probably still be looking even if she’d set out hours ago. Kaz hadn’t even given her a proper tour of the property.

 

            None of these thoughts were consequential. None of these thoughts could ease the tired ache behind Kaz’s eyes. None of these thoughts could shake the image of Jordie from him. Not the Jordie from Ketterdam, but the Jordie Rietveld who was brave enough to launch himself across these boulders to help Kaz across when he’d gotten too far to turn back but too scared to hop forward to the other side of the creek.

 

            Jordan Rietveld had been a hail storm in the sunshine. Strong, fierce and graceful. Kaz could almost hear his brother’s laugh again, after all these years. How many days had they played by this very water? Sat and practiced their sign language under this tree?

 

            Kaz could feel his brother, here. Something that hadn’t happened at his false grave atop the hill. Kaz was not spiritual, but his brother had not been a liar.

 

            I’m with you, Kaz.

 

            Kaz believed him.

 

            The trees offered no refuge from the unrelenting crackling in Kaz’s chest. It was a fire rekindled somewhere deep inside his drained harbor soul. A blaze formed atop of bones that Kaz could never hope to hunt down.

 

            What was Kaz to be? Who was he? He’d thought the same after he’d laid Pekka Rollins in the ground under a thousand bricks. He’d not find the answer hiding in the trees, no matter how hard he looked.

 

He’d not find the answer until he stood up again.

 

            A shuffling of rock directed Kaz’s eyes across the gurgling stream. A figure was walking along the opposite bank. At first, Kaz thought to lean closer to the bark of his tree, but he had no reason to hide, here.

 

            It was the blaze of deep red hair that stalled his every movement, like a rabbit spotting a fox in the underbrush.

 

            She walked deftly over the bank, sidestepping boulders without looking. Like she’d walked the same path too many times to count. At her side, she swung a farming rake casually, twisting the handle and kicking stray stones. The woman was an hour glass silhouette against the sun, dark breeches tucked into work boots and a loose emerald tunic flowing in the breeze.

 

            She did not look his way as she walked, unaware of his presence beneath Jordie’s tree.

 

            It couldn’t be. He’d seen her in town just the day prior, he was certain of it. She couldn’t be here, right now. No, just another woman with a similar likeness.

 

            The woman stilled, just across the bank from him. She knelt to the ground and plucked up a pebble, holding it up to the sky to inspect the colors. Kaz couldn’t see it clearly from his positioning, but he hoped it was one of the current rubbed stones, the ones with swirls of green and aqua from the bottom of the stream. He hoped it was beautiful.

 

He hoped she didn’t see him

 

            The wind chose its moment wisely, sending daggers of breeze through the armor of the tree above him. The branches shook in saccharine applause.

 

            The woman looked up, spotting him instantly. She startled but did not rise to her feet at the sight of him. Deep blue eyes met his from across the stream. They stared at one another for an indeterminate amount of time that felt like hours at the least.

 

            Kaz’s hands were pressed against his bent knees, frozen. He should have hidden. He should have melted into the foliage.

 

            Shame wrestled in his gut.

 

            Across the water, the woman settled to the ground fully, back leaning against a large boulder behind her. She fiddled with the stone she’d plucked, the wind lifting her crimson locks around her shoulders. She obviously was not leaving.

 

            Kaz couldn’t breathe, yet he inhaled. He forced his hands off his knees, wiping the sweat against his trousers as he went.

 

            She tossed the stone between her pale fingers gently, testing the weight. Then, she took aim. The rock flew in a graceful arc across the stream, skittering and sliding to a stop against Kaz’s shoe. Kaz didn’t take his eyes off her as he reached forward and picked up the pebble.

 

            It was a mossy green, with hints of rosy sediment peeking through. Pretty, just as he’d hoped. Kaz was well aware that this rock probably should have hit him square in the jaw. It might have been kinder than this motionless silence. It was more than he deserved.

 

            Jordie, how did you send her here, today? Why? Why now?

 

            She watched him as he clutched the stone, his shaky fingers peeling pieces of dirt off. He should say something. He couldn’t. Still, his eyes looked back up to hers. Only perhaps fifteen feet separated them, but Kaz could feel the true distance.

 

            A decade of miles walked. A decade of silence.

 

            “Kaz,” Her hands signed the letters of his name, practiced and to the quick. No question mark at the end.

 

            Kaz swallowed and continued picking at the stone she’d given him.

 

            Coward. He was a coward.

 

            That was all he’d been thus far today.

 

            “Kaz.” She signed again, patiently. She pointed at him this time.

 

            Kaz’s hand moved slowly to set the stone down beside him. His fingers were rusted metal as he formed the letters.

 

            “Lily,” He replied in the silent language, using her name for the first time. It cost him something to admit who she was, who sat before him. Who he’d avoided twice in town. 

 

            Lily’s blue eyes widened before she began to sign again. Kaz had to be imagining the lines in her cheeks. The sadness leaking from within her.

 

            “You knew it was me, in town.” She said, her shoulders seeming to lift in a sigh he could not hear over the bubbling water.

 

            He nodded.

 

            “What are you doing here?” He signed in question, the motions clumsy but he hoped understandable enough.

 

            Lily rolled her eyes dramatically.

 

            “I was a part of the contract.” She answered. It took Kaz a moment to decipher her quick motions. He needed to practice more.

 

            “Oh.” Kaz said verbally as well as signing. He wanted to take off running. He’d rather submerge himself in giant’s fingers than face Lily Arbor. His eyes fell to the boulder beneath him, to the swirls of mist lifting from the rapids before him. Anywhere but her.

 

            Kaz could still remember his last full day on the farm. He remembered it clearer than the entirety of his first two years in the Dregs. That day had branded him with scorch marks, with only salty tears to cauterize the wounds.

 

            Kaz remembered tying his boots on the porch and watching the sun dip below the horizon as he waited for Jordie to come home. His brother had told him to stay at the house while he took Lily for a walk. Kaz had only been nine, but he’d known what it was.

 

            A goodbye.

 

A goodbye that Kaz had no part in, even if he’d cried when Lily had knocked on the door. She’d knelt in front of him, so much taller, just like Jordie. She’d taken his palms and told him to practice his sign language in the city so that she could hear all about his lessons, about his new friends, about the life he and Jordie would build.

 

            Kaz had pretended he wasn’t crying. She’d been kind enough to do the same when she’d let Jordie walk her down the steps of the porch toward the fields.

 

            The last time Kaz Rietveld had seen Lily, she’d turned to him, back-dropped by golden wheat, and signed ‘see you later, small brother’.

 

            Kaz still remembered when Jordie had walked up the path to the house after seeing Lily safely home to her mother, their tutor, Miss Arbor. In the sunset light, Jordie’s eyes had been red rimmed, his shoulders sunken. Kaz hadn’t quite believed it at first glance, but he realized Jordie had been crying. He also knew his brother would not let him see it.

 

            “Jordie? Are you okay?” Kaz had whispered as Jordie had given their bags one final check for the morning. Kaz had twiddled his thumbs in the doorway of their bedroom, watching as his brother locked the buckles on the trunks in place, the only of their possessions left out were the clothes they’d wear to leave in the morning.

 

            Kaz remembered how Jordie had taken a long time to lock the last buckle, his hands shaking and face turned away. His brother took a long, deep breath.

 

            “I’m okay, Kaz.” Jordie had said before he shook his head to himself, as if to rid his body of a thought that simply wouldn’t leave him alone.

 

            “You don’t seem like it.”  Little Kaz pushed.

 

            “Leave it, Kaz.” Jordie snapped. Kaz’s mouth clicked shut. Jordie was hardly ever cross with him. Kaz remembered his lip wobbling, but Jordie wouldn’t see him cry. Kaz had made up his mind, from that day forward, he was big like Jordie. He could be like him.

 

            Apparently, Jordie had looked at him. Jordie had seen.

 

            “Hey, I’m sorry, come here.” Jordie said, voice guilty. Kaz let Jordie take his hand and lead him downstairs and out the back door to the porch.

 

            “Let’s make the most of it. One more race.” Jordie grinned and pointed to the hill. “First one there gets bragging rights until we get to Ketterdam.”

 

            On Jordie’s count, they took off, two farm boys running through fields of wheat.

 

            Now, as a man, Kaz thought he believed Inej. There had been a time when he’d felt like he could fly. He’d felt the suli acrobat’s wings upon his back.

 

            It was the only time he’d ever beaten Jordie. Only by seconds, but his brother had tickled him senseless when he’d begun to brag mercilessly.

 

            Neither of them had said anything about the fresh dirt stop their father’s grave, but they’d both known when they left the hill.

 

            It was another goodbye.

 

            Kaz wondered if part of Brekker had been born in that very moment. That moment when neither he nor Jordie had said the words; but instead, they’d just let go, hands clasped tight together.

 

            Kaz sucked in a breath, face planting back into the present. He found Lily watching him from across the stream, head tilted in wait for him to say something.

 

            Guilt clawed at Kaz’s mind, scraggly black fingers trying to pick the words from his conscience.

 

            “I’m sorry.” Kaz signed hopelessly. Once, twice, a third time. He touched his chest above his heart.

 

            He’d known Lily’s address as well as his own farm’s. He could have written her, all those years ago. He could have told her. He could have pushed aside his grief and mailed a letter. He hadn’t.

 

            What could he have said? ‘Dear Lily, Jordie is dead. So is his brother, but there was enough of him left to write this. Best, Kaz.’ No. No. No. There had been no kindness left in Kaz after he’d crawled out of the harbor.

 

            He still could have written her. He still hadn’t.

 

            Instead, for Lily, Jordie’s letters from Ketterdam just ceased to arrive. For Lily, there had been no answer until a gravestone appeared on the hill, years later. No body. No Kaz. No mourners. No funeral.

 

            Kaz blinked his eyes of mist and held his aching jaw in place.

 

            Kaz had thought he’d known shame before. He had. Still, this shame was greater than ever before. This admittance to his wrong doing was all Kaz Rietveld’s. The boy who had been golden when Brekker had been rusted iron. The boy who’d tried his best, and still fucked up.

 

            Lily’s bright blue eyes watched him. Watched him flail under a silent apology that was so much less than she deserved, all these years later.

 

Kaz hoped she’d found love, a family, a place with walls adorned with a thousand colors and no holes resembling his brother’s silhouette.

 

            A scared part of Kaz wondered if maybe she had made peace with it, and his apology was not something she needed or wanted.

 

            He knew she’d not have sat if that had been true. That scared him more. That hurt, more.

 

            “I don’t forgive you.” Lily signed, and Kaz could see her mouth say the words too, even if he couldn’t hear her.

 

            Kaz felt the punch to his stomach, the air knocked right out of him. He bit the inside of his cheek. He hoped his brother had lied and wasn’t lingering across the veil to watch this.

 

            “This is what you’ve earned,” A callous and long dormant voice whispered against his ear, fangs grazing his skin.

 

            “But,” she paused. “I still could.” Kaz watched as Lily’s hands moved, slower this time. He didn’t understand. The words were clear, but their meaning was as beyond his reach as Jordie was.

 

            “How?” Kaz asked, dropping his hands angrily. He wanted to shout at her to never forgive him. He wanted to prove his demons right, stand up and dust his hands of this entire affair. Of this day.

 

            Lily tilted her head again, eyes staking him to the ground as if to dare him to move. He hated how young he felt beneath her gaze. He felt like a boy again, the years dropping off of him like leaves from a tree.

 

            How did you ever think I was fearless, Jordie?

 

            “That’s up to you.” Lily signed, pointing at him from across the stream. “Are you the boy I knew or are you the man who wouldn’t even look at me?”

 

            Kaz’s teeth ground together. Every emotion he’d felt today was piled up behind that barricade of bone. If he opened his mouth, he’d never stop screaming.

 

            Kaz didn’t know how long passed as they stared at each other, her question hanging suspended in the pebble’s previous path across the stream.

 

            “Both.” Kaz whispered, his hands following the motions. “I feel like both, right now.”

 

            Lily nodded, more to herself than him. She tucked a strand of scarlet hair behind her ear and Kaz caught the glimpse of something silver at her throat, the metal glinting in the sun.

 

            Before Kaz could register what was happening, Lily stood. She brushed her hands of dirt on her trousers, plucking up her forgotten rake from the ground.

 

            Kaz was paralyzed as she hopped to the first boulder in the stream. The next. The third. Her movements made it clear she’d done it a thousand times.

 

            Then… Lily Arbor was standing above him, under Jordie’s tree, hand outstretched to him.

 

Kaz could count the freckles on her cheeks, see the hints of navy in her clear blue eyes. Lily was stunning, as she’d always been. Kaz had never seen Lily through the lens of his brother’s eyes, but she reminded Kaz of Nina, now. It was in the way she carried herself, confident and carelessly elegant.

 

            At her throat, a tarnished silver locket sat. It was in the shape of a heart.

 

            Kaz looked at her hand. His gloves were in his pocket. His gloves were in his pocket. Could he do it? He’d touched every inch of Inej safely. He’d shaken Jesper’s hand, and Kahir Ghafa’s.

 

            Kaz reached into his pocket. Not today.He wasn’t brave enough, today.

 

            Lily watched him slide the gloves over his hands, her eyes hinting at confusion. Still, her hand never fell, never wavered.

 

            Kaz clasped her hand and she pulled him up to his feet, his knee giving a shout in protest, he’d left it bent for far too many hours. He felt light headed, wobbly.

 

            He’d never eaten anything. Or drank more than half a glass of water.

 

            “I didn’t help in the fields.” Lily said then, her voice soft and husky. It felt like she’d shouted at him after his many hours of silence.

 

            Kaz didn’t expect the laugh that came from his throat. It was a hoarse and neglected thing.

 

            Kaz realized then, that Lily would never know the difference in his voice. She’d never hear the damage in his throat, the constant reminder of the plague.

 

            To Lily, he spoke the same as he always had. Silently. It felt like a part of him returned. A kindness from the world he’d not expected.

 

            He looked at her as he spoke, knowing she’d read his lips.

 

            “I deserve that.”

 

            Lily’s lips hinted at a smile he’d not earned. She didn’t give it to him.

 

            “Yes,” She replied. “You do. As do you deserve this.” Lily was on her toes before he could realize what was coming.

 

            She smacked him upside the head, not hard enough to truly hurt, but enough to startle him. It was too quick a motion for his sickness to latch on.

 

            “Fuck.” Kaz rubbed at his temple. Lily was shorter than him by a good four inches, but once again, he felt like a boy.

 

            Lily released a huff as she brushed past. Backing away from him, she signed to him one last time.

 

            “We’ll talk again, small brother.”

 

            Kaz grabbed his cane in a hurry, limping to follow her.

 

            She showed him no pity for his leg. It wasn’t until Kaz was halfway through the woods, squinting to catch a glimpse of her red hair, that he realized he’d not find her on the other end of the trees. She’d said what she needed to, for today.

 

            Somehow, he managed to smile through the tightness in his chest.

 

            Hadn’t it first been Lily Arbor that had shown him that physical difference was not something to be pitied?

 

            Kaz had carried a part of Lily with him, all these years, deep in the bones of his bad leg.

 

 

 

INEJ

 

            Inej winced when the bell dinged above the door.

 

            “We’re closed today.” Emilia’s voice carried to Inej in the foyer of the seamstress shop. The door had been locked. Inej had picked it, nearly dropping Kaz’s pick that she’d stolen from his blazer about seven times in an attempt to not draw the attention of Lij’s pedestrians.

 

            Emilia rounded the corner from her workshop, her long black hair hanging loose around her shoulders. She was mumbling an apology, saying she’d sworn she had locked the door. She stopped cold.

 

            “I did lock the door, didn’t I?” Emilia whispered when she realized it was Inej who stood in the rose scented foyer.

 

            “You did,” Inej confirmed. “I didn’t break it or anything. I’m not as good as Kaz but he taught me well.”

 

            Emilia twisted the key she held between her fingers. She still wore what she’d had on at the house hours ago, but now the ribbon at her throat was missing. Her sleeves were rolled up.

 

            “Why are you here?” Emilia asked, her own posture straightening in defense.

 

            Inej turned the words she’d planned to say around in her mouth. Kaz would be furious if he discovered where she’d gone. She had no idea how long he’d be out of the house, but she’d been the one to take Ally into town. That meant he was likely still on the Rietveld property.

 

            After an hour of solitude, trying and failing to turn her eyes to her maps of the True Sea, Inej had not been able to sit still any longer. She’d made a choice out of protectiveness, out of loyalty, even if Kaz may not see it that way.

 

            Partners, Inej reminded herself. Kaz had gone to war for her in the face of Khalid. She would do the same for him, in the only way she knew how.

 

            “Was he right? About any of it? Did you know who he was before that night we met you on the hill?” Inej whispered.

 

            “No. I knew he was my nephew that night, nothing more. I knew because of the freckle on his ear, because of his eyes, because of his face. I had no idea who he was, except that he was my sister’s boy. My family.” Emilia answered, no hesitation. Not a single moment to gather her thoughts.

 

            These were raw words.

 

            Inej took a deep breath, inhaling roses and confidence.

 

            “If he had it wrong, don’t walk away.” Inej said slowly, snatching words from the center of her chest, knowing how important they may prove to be. “You didn’t give up for twenty years. Don’t let twenty minutes stop you, now. Be the woman I think you are.”

 

            Emilia’s brows pitched in consideration, her eyes trailing over Inej.

 

            Inej did not give Emilia a chance to respond, the words flooding her tongue faster than expected.

 

            “Kaz has never left a loose end untied. He did because it was you. Anyone else would not have left that room alive. You may think it cruel, disgusting or any number of other words. It isn’t because heis. He can be, but it is not who Kaz is. I can’t tell you of his life, that is not my place. I can only tell you that Kaz….” Inej paused. She let the emotion run rivulets over her scarred heart that he’d protected with his ruthless hands. Saints, she loved him.

 

            “Kaz is so many things, Emilia. He’s brave. He’s the smartest man I’ve ever encountered. He’s funny and generous and so fucking dense sometimes I wonder if his skull wouldn’t just be able to barge through a wall rather than bounce. He’s prideful and thoughtful and quiet. He’s ruthless and cunning and dangerous. But above all else, Kaz is loyal. Everything Kaz has been, for the entirety of his life, has been to prove his loyalty.

 

            “There is not a single thing he would not do to protect those few he cares for. There is not a line he would not cross, nor a world he would not burn. I love him for it. I love him for it, every moment of every single day. In the spaces between seconds, I love him for it.

 

            “When Kaz said what he did today… I think it was because for the first time, that care extended to himself, Emilia. He protected himself. He was loyal to himself, today. He saw pain he could very well endure, have no doubt, but he knew he didn’t deserve it.” Inej gulped air. Emilia did not move.

 

            “You have no idea, Emilia. You have no idea what you and I have stumbled upon in this world. He is rare. Rarer than the gem he stole for my engagement ring. Rarer than eclipses and snow fall in sunshine. Rarer than falling stars and kind hurricanes. There is no other like him.” Inej huffed a ridiculous and tiny laugh.  

 

            “If you will walk away from him after twenty years, because of twenty minutes, then never come back. Never give him that pain again. Let him go and be free of both his cruelty and his kindness. You cannot have Kaz Rietveld without Kaz Brekker, he’s the same arrogant, beautiful man.

 

            “If, however, you are the woman I think you are… the kind that did not cow from him that night on the hill. The kind that made him laugh within days of knowing him, a thing I believed impossible, then come back. Come back and don’t give up on him. Kaz deserves that type of person in his life. I will personally accept nothing else for the man I love.”

 

            “I haven’t given up.” Emilia whispered, lips tethered up at the ends. “I’d never give up on him. I never have and I never will. I only… I didn’t want… I wanted it to be on his terms. I’m quite aware that my presence is not something he expected or asked for. I just…”

 

            “Aren’t the type of woman to take his shit?” Inej finished for her, her own lips quivering into a small smile. “I know the kind.”

 

            Emilia’s laugh was radiant and kind.

 

            “I suspect you do.” Emilia shook her head. “I didn’t expect for him and I to be so alike.”

 

            Inej quirked her head, laughing internally. If only the two of them could see their interactions from her shoes. It was like watching reflections battle for dominance in the mirror.

 

            “I’m not… I’m not sure he’ll like what he finds in me, either.” Emilia admitted to her and the roses.

 

            “He has no idea I’m here and I’m fairly certain he’s still going to marry me.” Inej shrugged. “The thing no one expects of Kaz is that he is capable of forgiveness… and understanding.”

 

            For the second time, Emilia laughed.

 

            “Have you thought about your wedding attire?”

 

            Then Inej followed suit, laughing deep from her belly.

 

            The moment felt like the solitary note Kaz had tapped on Bram’s piano. Not quite happy, but a sign that the compass pointed in that direction.

 

 

EMILIA

 

            Cicadas chirped in the dusk light as Emilia sat on the Rietveld porch steps. Inej Ghafa sat beside her. Neither of them spoke, but somehow, Emilia was comfortable.

 

            For a moment, Emilia was in another time, in the same place.

 

            In the fields, a rustle drew her eyes. Before them, across the yard, Kaz stood.

 

            Inej stood as he approached and Emilia saw his eyes flicker down to her before landing on his fiancé. Emilia watched as both of their eyes assessed each other, am embrace all its own.

 

            “You came back.” Kaz rasped as he stopped at the bottom of the steps. His dark eyes flicked to her once more.

 

            “I did.” Emilia replied, taking in his crumpled shirt, the red around his eyes. It was entirely ludicrous how much she wished to spew a thousand words to her nephew, right in that moment. It was relief she felt, seeing him there, well and strong.

 

            “I’ll be inside.” Inej said then, turning toward the door with a subtle nod to Kaz.

 

            “’Nej?” Kaz called before he took to the steps to follow Inej. Emilia focused her eyes on the grass before her.

 

            Emilia heard Kaz’s whisper, despite her attempt not to observe, just this once.

 

            “I love you.”

 

            A surprised yelp sounded from Inej when he leaned in and kissed her firmly. Emilia didn’t mind, she only wished she could offer a modicum of privacy.

 

            A moment passed, the door clicked shut behind Inej. Emilia still felt Kaz standing behind her on the porch.

 

            Emilia leaned her back against the old wood railing, stretching her legs out and down the steps. After settling his cane against the ground, Kaz braced his knee to sit beside her on the other side of the stairs. Emilia could not help but sneak a glance at him from the corner of her eyes.

 

            Kaz’s hair was a disarray, a shadow dusting his usually clean jaw. The lantern cast him in sharp shadows, highlighting the dark eyes they both shared.

 

For a while, they both stared out across the quickly darkening lawn.

 

            “I was wrong?” Kaz asked, his rasping voice tired.

 

            “You were wrong.” Emilia replied with a gentle nod.  

 

            “And you still came back after I set that fire?” Kaz mumbled as he ran a wary hand over the side of his jaw, grimacing at the stubble he found there.

 

            Emilia’s lips formed a small smile as she looked out into the growing night.

 

            “Some fear the flames. Others just learn how to burn. I suspect we’re both that kind, nephew.”  

Notes:

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Guys. The next one. Just... the next one. This one. ahhhh.... I'm ready. I'm ready. I hope you are, too.

Chapter 145: Buried

Summary:

Emilia tells Kaz a story.

Notes:

CHAPTER 145!!!

FIRST. WARNING. So this chapter has quite a lot of potentially triggering content and I wanted to put a very clear warning here. Mentions of domestic violence and abuse as well as sexual assault and abuse. This is heavy and very Bardugo-esque in the trauma department. Please know that if you can't read this chapter, I understand and you'll still be able to understand the next one. I don't want anyone to read anything potentially harmful to their well being. <3 I love you all.

Next. HI. Okay, so this one is very very dense because it is a story within a story and it is very heavy. It is also only part one of two. I KNOW i suck for that but I could not get it all done and I hope you all understand. This one is very heavy and for that I apologize, but it was time to be shared. I'M SO EFFING NERVOUS. I hope you love it.

Thank you for being here and supporting me. I love you from here to eternity. <3

GUYS. I CANNOT DECIDE IF I LOVE HOW THIS CHAPTER TURNED OUT OR IF I ABSOLUTELY DESPISE IT. (have i just looked at it too long or is it actually bad?) that is to say I could really do with your thoughts in the comments. I'm very very very very nervous about this one. Please? Thank you ily.

"Empire" by Beth Crowley (the escape)

KAZ

 

            Kaz was picking at the bowl of hazelnuts and grapes Inej had brought out onto the porch just after she’d gone inside. The snack had been partnered with a look that had only said “you did not eat, shevrati”. Kaz had already downed half a glass of water, too.

 

            Emilia had snickered softly to herself when Inej had rolled her eyes at him before marching back into the house, suli curses echoing under her breath.

 

            Sitting in silence, he and Emilia stared out at the dark fields, haloed by a porch light that had sat dormant for both of them for far too long. Kaz didn’t know what to say to her, he wasn’t exactly sorry for what he’d accused her of. But, it didn’t settle right in his gut, either.

 

            He’d also not felt anger at the sight of her when he’d approached the house. Instead, it had been like some piece of him had known she’d be back. Had dared to hope she’d not walk away from him forever, even if he’d not earned anything else.

 

            Emilia reached to her hip under her charcoal blazer, producing a large black flask. She caught him watching her, his eyes darted back to his food.

 

            “I’d offer you some but I fear Inej will have my head if you don’t eat first.” Emilia scoffed, a smirk changing her profile.

 

            “She would.” Kaz agreed. “She forces me to take better care of myself.” He didn’t know why he admitted it.

 

            “Good woman, that one.” Emilia hummed, tilting her head back for a swig of her drink.

 

            “What are you drinking?” Kaz asked.

 

            “Whiskey.” She answered. He should have known.

 

            “Is your hand alright?” Kaz asked, his gaze locking on her fingers still clasped around the flask.

 

            Emilia quirked her head.

 

            “You were bleeding from your hand when you left.” Kaz explained, his gut twisting tightly. It was nothing of a wound, but still that shame branded him. He’d made her clench her fists so tight that she’d drawn blood.

 

            “Oh, it’s fine.” Emilia examined her palm, where a tiny crescent moon scratch laid along her heart line.

 

            Kaz nodded and focused on his food for a long minute, slowly feeling his body become less angry with him. If only his mind could follow along.

 

            “When are you going to start asking?” Kaz mumbled, wiping his hands clean on the napkin Inej had brought with his bowl.

 

            Emilia cocked her head in his direction, a sigh lingering on her maroon painted lips. “I was going to ask you something similar.”

 

            Kaz bit on the words, tasting them for truth. Surprised it was all he found within them. She meant it.

 

            “Tell me something I do not know.” Kaz whispered, a quiet fondness slipping over him. Inej was helping, even from inside the house. It was her game, a game they still played. A game that had allowed him to learn her, and her him. It had been something sacred in their years together, somewhere… safe.

 

            “That’s… vague.” Emilia replied.

 

            “That’s what I said the first time,” Kaz began with a snort. “It’s… it’s a game Inej played with her parents as a girl. A truth for truth. She made me play it, and since then, we’ve never stopped.” Kaz hummed, catching sight of a lightning bug through the whispering stalks of wheat on the far side of the lawn. “I wasn’t very good at… I’m not very good at conversing without any purpose but to talk. It’s not a natural talent of mine.” Kaz grimaced. He still didn’t regret the truth in his chosen words.

 

            “Do we ask questions or simply choose our own truths?” Emilia asked without pause. Kaz felt surprise lick over him. She’d not even skipped a beat, had not asked him to elaborate beyond the specifics of Inej’s game. Had not pushed for understanding.

 

            “Choose. Unless determined otherwise.” Kaz answered.

 

            “Alright then.” Emilia nodded, leaning back, her hands pressed flat against the porch. It was at least a minute before she spoke again.

 

            “Do you want a big truth or something small?” She asked.

 

            “Big.” Kaz answered without hesitation. He did trade in secrets, after all. Some parts of the Barrel would be with him wherever he went, in every conversation.

 

            His aunt nodded. Her nose scrunched just slightly before she took one deep breath.

 

“I was in Ketterdam, during the auction of that Shu boy’s servitude several years ago. I didn’t go with the masses to the Church of Barter, and now…. Now, I wish I had.” Emilia whispered. “Word on the street was that Kaz Brekker, criminal on the run, aided him in auctioning his indenture. Terrible business, that. His death on the stage, I mean.”

 

Kaz actually choked on his water, half of it spilling over his shirt collar and down his chest.

 

“You were… in Ketterdam, then?” Kaz wheezed over a cough, trying to seep up the water with his napkin.

 

“Got out just in time before the city shut down from the plague sirens.” Emilia confirmed, her mouth depressed into a frown. “If I’d gone with the ladies I was contracting dresses for, I would have been in the Church of Barter. They invited me, but I’d elected to catch a carriage to the rail station outside of town to get back here. I read about the false alarm for sickness in the post a week later. They got your sketch on the wanted posters all wrong, too. I did not recognize you the way I did on the hill. I never would have left if I had.”

 

Kaz threw his eyes to the sky. She’d been that close? When he’d been so far?

 

“Inej is going to either laugh or cry, but I promise you there will be tears.” Were the stupid words that fell out of his mouth, tumbling and honest.

 

“I feel much the same about it if I’m entirely candid.” Emilia scoffed.

 

Kaz thought back to that day. A dark day, both supremely victorious and devastating in its failure.

 

Hey, Helvar. I hope Djel didn’t blame you for the fucking tree. Don’t you dare take credit for my genius.

 

Kuwei Yul-Bo was of course alive and well. Inej had only just received a new letter from him before they’d left Ketterdam once again. He could never tell Emilia that part of the story, it was a promise he’d made to the Shu inferni. A promise he’d made to Nikolai Lantsov, his once again unexpected business partner in a scheme. It was his word, and he’d not break it, even to Emilia.

 

“What’s that look?” Emilia’s voice jarred him.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“You look like you’re… I’m not sure. Somewhere between melancholy and elated.”

 

Kaz hummed, wasn’t that the truth?

 

“That day changed a lot of things.” Kaz replied. It was too many truths in too few words.

 

Inej had held his gloved hand that day, yet, he’d thought he’d let her go that day. That was until he’d returned to the Barrel and not felt her presence above him as he walked the cobbled alleys.

 

He remembered how much darker they’d seemed. He remembered how hollow he’d felt ascending the steps to his attic and seeing his empty window sill. He’d wondered if the sun might never return to that spot. Surely it had only come to bathe Inej in its gilded praises. Without her, what light could possibly be attracted to his gray world?

 

“If you’d been there, I wouldn’t have cared, yet.” Kaz answered. He’d promised her his honesty, and this was the truest thing he could offer. He hoped, if nothing else, this truth might assuage her of the guilt he felt radiating off of her.

 

“But I would have.” Emilia said matter-of-factly. “Your turn.”

 

“Doesn’t that count?” Kaz scoffed.

 

“House rules, nephew. Truths revealed as follow-ups don’t count.”

 

Kaz rolled his eyes, but he found amusement underneath his pride.

 

“I joined the Dregs when I was twelve.” Kaz supplied in the wake of her new rule.

 

Kaz watched as his aunt connected the dots, the lines between when he’d joined the Dregs… and when she’d returned to Kerch and began looking for him. It was the same year. The same stretch of time in which… if he’d waited a little longer before no longer being welcomed in gambling halls, or if she’d been a little faster….

 

There could have been a chance. A chance she might have found him.

 

It wouldn’t have mattered, Kaz reminded himself. He’d been wild and unchecked in his rage, broken beyond repair or comfort.

 

Emilia’s face pinched, as if he’d laid a hammer to her toes. The look was gone as fast as it had come.

 

“Without Jordan?” Emilia whispered.

 

There were no dates on Jordie’s headstone. Emilia could only know Jordie had died before Kaz had been sixteen and had had the grave made for his brother on the hill, the arrangements made all the way from Ketterdam.

 

Kaz didn’t know which day Jordie had died, either. There hadn’t been papers printed, everywhere had been shut down in the face of the Queen’s Lady plague. Kaz only knew it had spring, ten years ago, going on eleven.

 

“Yes.” Kaz answered. He wasn’t ready to offer more than that. Even if the boy inside him begged to tell her. If I tell Emilia, she won’t be sitting here much longer after that.

 

That was the truth of it, wasn’t it? He’d tried to send her away. True, part of him had believed those violent accusations he’d tossed at her in the kitchen… But, beyond all of it, he’d known it was the truth she might discover that had sent him spiraling, cowering from the light she offered.

 

Emilia was not like Inej. Not like the Ghafa’s. Not like Jesper. Those people knew Kaz, but had never known Jordie. Emilia had known Jordie. Loved him before Kaz had ever been part of the equation.

 

She’d know. She’d not understand why Kaz had forced Jordie to go look at those damned toy dogs. She’d not forgive him. 

 

Kaz was still selfish. Emilia had come back. He didn’t want to send her away again so soon. This time, it would be final. It would be unforgiveable, once he told her the truth.

 

Even if Kaz had begun to believe that maybe Jordie’s death was not his fault, there would be no way Emilia wouldn’t see it that way.

 

He should accuse her again. He should stop this game of truths. He should tell her to leave and never come back. He should do what he’d always done before Inej. Before the Ghafas’. Before Jes.

 

Four people in the entire world knew his full truth. All four of them had given him understanding in return. Kaz knew how to read his odds.

 

The fifth would be the one to break his winning streak.

 

Emilia was quiet for a long time, both of them simply sitting in the bleeding lantern light.

 

“Can I ask something?” Kaz queried, wary and worn. It was changing the rules of the game, but he found he couldn’t hold it back any longer. There was one truth he craved an answer to, needed an answer to. It felt as crucial as the oxygen in his lungs.

 

He only knew that this answer meant something to him. Meant something to his brother and father’s ghosts. To Mama.

 

Emilia’s sharp eyes slid to him, her head dipping in a nod. The breeze tickled Kaz’s face as he focused his eyes onto the distant sway of stalks against the night. The stars were out, glittering and stealing the sun’s previous stage.

 

“Why did it take you so long to… why didn’t you kill him sooner?” Kaz rasped, finally. He knew Emilia understood. She’d killed her abusive husband to escape back to Kerch. He didn’t know the man’s name, and did not bother to ask. He did not want to give that violence a name. If he did, it would only drive him to anger. All Kaz hadn’t been able to understand is why it had taken her so many years. Twelve, to be exact.

 

Emilia straightened her back against the rail, bringing her legs up to the step below her. Her hands fiddled with the golden cufflinks at the wrists of her blouse. The lantern light winked in the metal like a lightning bug.

 

It was the first time Kaz had been able to see Emilia’s age in her features, to account for the time that had passed in his aunt’s life since she’d been forced from this town. Emilia had only been in her twenties when she’d left Kerch. Now, she was here, nearly two decades later. Time had been kind to his aunt, gentling its grip against her porcelain skin.

 

It was now though that Kaz spied a hint of worn age beneath her gossamer appearance. He could see the threads of pain that spiraled around her, twisting and knotting around the pitch of her manicured brows and the saddened smile she shed toward her boots.

 

Vulnerable. Kaz had seen Emilia fall to her knees in her cottage, but she’d never felt vulnerable to him, not even then. Kaz knew, with no small amount of certainty, that she chose to show him, now. In some familiar way, that made the moment weigh more to Kaz. He’d had to choose to lower his own defenses for those he’d grown to love. For Inej, for their family.

 

“I was young still back then, only a few years older than you. It’s… it’s surreal to recognize that if Jordan had been alive, he’d be almost exactly how old I’d been. How old Elena was when she’d had you.” Emilia began, her silver voice softened against the gale and hushing plants.

 

“When he took me… I didn’t have any doubt in my mind that I’d convince him we could be happier apart. I knew he’d never sanction a divorce, but I thought, perhaps I could go with him and be the wife I was, uninterested but not unkind. I could show him he’d not find happiness with me, nor I with him. I’d somehow convinced myself, even after he’d… after he’d threatened my family, the woman I loved... even after he’d struck me, and forced himself upon me…”

 

Emilia trailed off, seeming to dig into herself for the words. Kaz did not interrupt. Of all things that Kaz had learned from his time in Ketterdam, it was to be patient. The perfect scheme required timing, and whilst this conversation was anything but a means to an end, Kaz could not shut off his pragmatism. His logical mind still churned, forming numerous paths forward and discarding the illogical.

 

“When we reached Novyi Zem, he took me to his jurda plantation. It would have been beautiful, under any other circumstance. If it were not for the isolation. There wasn’t a single village for over fifty miles, no nearby homes. Even his employees walked numerous miles to and from the fields to their lodgings. And the house. The house was too large, filled with so much emptiness. I think that’s what I remember most about it. I’d thought if I were to stand in his grand marble foyer, and open my mouth, my screams would echo back at me forever.

 

“At first, it wasn’t so bad. He didn’t hit me again, nor did he force me to his bed. I had my own room, attached to his, but it was my own. He didn’t have a household maid or concierge. Or he fired them once he decided to bring me there. Free labor, I suppose. I didn’t mind, I was there to protect all of those I loved, and having the household work done left him in better moods. Occasionally, his wealthy friends came for dinners. Though none paid me any mind, I was just a woman at the men’s tables. The only women I even encountered were those who were bought as adornment for the men’s arms. They didn’t speak to me, either.” Emilia shook her head, swigging her flask back to prime her throat.

 

“It was… it was after a full four months that I built up the courage to ask for a carriage to take me to the post drop off, over ten miles away. Initially, I’d planned to sneak there, but with the only horses watched by his security, it seemed impossible. But more than that, I was trying to prove to him that I would not disobey him. I would not go behind his back again. I could only think of Bram, trying to survive without Elle. About you and how you’d not have your mother’s milk, about Jordan and how strong he’d have to be. All the while, I was nursing my broken heart and the hole my twin’s loss had left in it. I couldn’t even bring myself to think of Adrie.”

 

After Emilia spoke the name, Kaz watched her blink, shuttering a piece of herself behind her black eyes. She swallowed, hand shaking as she pressed a wrinkle from her trousers on her leg.

 

“Who is Adrie?” Kaz asked. He knew he shouldn’t, but his mind couldn’t let it go. Couldn’t let a single one of her words slip by him.

 

“The woman I loved.” Emilia answered, the crack in her voice mirrored by the untimely click of a cicada.

 

Kaz could hear the correction she’d not dare to voice. Adrie was the woman she still loved. He wouldn’t press further.

 

“Go on.” Kaz rasped.

 

“I asked my husband for the carriage.” Emilia began again, her mouth clicking shut. Kaz stared out across the lawn, bracing himself for the anger he was certain to feel when she told him what happened next. Kaz didn’t know when he’d begun to consider Emilia under his protection, but it spanned across the years, all the way to her memories.

 

“That night… I learned what he was. A heartrender.” Emilia’s lashes fluttered. “A heartrender that paralyzed me when I tried to fight him off of me as he pressed me into the sofa. I couldn’t even scream. Even if I had been able, it was only him and I in the house. When he… when he finished, he whispered to me to never ask to leave again. I’d not be communicating with my family. With Adrie.”

 

Emilia’s cheeks were stained in amber stripes, the tears catching the lantern’s yellow light.

 

Kaz’s fists were balled against his thighs. How fucking dare he? What right did he have?

 

“He’d never used his small science around me before, I hadn’t even known. It was then that I realized… he used traditional violence, because he enjoyed it. He could drop a man with his thoughts, but he preferred to beat the life leave his victims. At this point, I’d seen him beat a farm hand. I’d seen him shoot a sailor on the voyage from Kerch to Novyi Zem over a card game. Not once did he use the small science. Not until I dared…not until he wanted me to be still.” Emilia’s voice was shaking, and still she pressed on.

 

“After that night, months passed… I was still allowed a modicum of freedom as long as my bedroom door remained open at night. As long as when he was deep in the drink, I gave whatever he asked of me. My body. For his pleasure, whether sexual or for sport. What changed was the armed guards at the front and back of the house. I wasn’t… I wasn’t allowed outside. At all. My terrace was three stories up, and it was my only source of being outdoors.

 

“Sewing saved my life. He allowed me the things I’d brought with me. My sketch book, my pencils. My seamstress kit. Elena and Bram bought it for me as a wedding gift. I think somehow, even if my husband had seemed kind then, they’d known I’d need my craft. Before I was taken from Kerch, I’d made arrangements to work as an apprentice for the old seamstress in town. I’d had plans.” Emilia tipped her flask to the sky, a morbid toast for a stolen life.

 

“I wrote letters in my sketchbook, dividing the dwindling pages into thirds, fourths, fifths. I knew he’d not buy me more parchment, or even lend it to me. His office was always locked. Still I wrote, hoping I might soon find a way to smuggle my letters out. If I could only convince one of his men, or the kind man who delivered the liquor and linens at the end of each month. Not one person would stand against him, though. Not one. I suppose that’s what happens when you are a man in control of one of the largest jurda plantations in the country.

 

“After two years of no change, no letters received from Bram or Adrie, I’d lost so much weight I thought I’d blow away from the terrace. My mind began to turn on me, convincing me that… maybe I needed to follow Elle. Maybe I could escape and be with my sister again. It was like a dim light at the end of a tunnel, beckoning me forward, day by day.

 

“Death became my hope.” Emilia whispered.

 

“What changed?” Kaz asked, the words burning in his throat. He wished he could drain the True Sea and find the pieces of her husband. He’d have Nina reanimate them, and what he would do to them… his spirit would feel it on the other side.

 

“I had a fight with him, I was tired of the submission. I tried to fight back. He showed me a letter from Bram before he pushed me down the staircase. I broke my right wrist. I couldn’t sew for months, he never helped heal it. But suddenly, I had a new reason to live.” Emilia stated, her features settling into harsh lines and slashes.

 

“I would live for my family. I was done dying for them.”

 

Kaz felt the brush of the harbor against his ankles, not because he was panicking, but because he remembered.

 

Kaz remembered what it felt like to decide to live, when it would have been much easier to die. It had not been an easy feeling to reconcile. It had felt like choosing to accept a thousand days of pain, for only the scant chance of health.

 

Death could reach into his translucent pocket and hand out relief like Mr. Crimson tossed out coin on the staves. Living was to be starving, and still choosing to walk past the gold on the ground, with only the hope that your warm meal waited at your destination.

 

“So, I set my sights on freedom once more. Any chance I could, I began fashioning a lock pick for his office doors. I had no practice, no experience, and constant eyes over my shoulders, but I knew it could be done. If I could get into that office, I might find your father’s letters. Not only that, but I might find one of his guns. A knife wouldn’t do much against his security’s gun powder. It had to be a bullet, because I knew a bullet could move faster than his hands. He wouldn’t be able to stop my heart in time.”

 

“I thought you killed him with a hatchet?” Kaz asked, internally chastising himself for interrupting.

 

“I did.” Emilia nodded. “But not for many more years.”

 

“You never got a gun?”

 

“I never even got into the office. He caught me, the night I tried to break in, when I’d been certain he was passed out from his liquor. I know he hit me, I remember him walking down the hallway, his eyes bulging from his skull. After that… I don’t know what he did. I only remember waking up.

 

“When I opened my eyes, I was not in my room, or even on the hallway floor. I was in a room I’d never seen before, laid on a bed. There was a window, but it was… it was small. So small that I wouldn’t have even been able to crawl out of it. Behind the pane there was bushes, not trees.

 

 

 

“I remember how my body felt, slow and just… aching. I could barely walk but I didn’t know what was wrong with me. The room was much smaller than my own, perhaps only the size of the kitchen inside.” Emilia gestured half-heartedly toward the house behind them.

 

“There was a small wash station, my clothing was hung on a wire rack beside it. An old copper bathtub was in the corner. I had a fresh sketchbook and pencils on the table. For a moment, it felt like a gift. I still had that.”

 

“It was only then that I looked for the door and realized that there were stairs in the corner, leading only to a cellar hatch. A door that would not move and with no lock to pick.” Emilia worried at her lip and Kaz knew then that this was her hell. Her tears were silent; she did not acknowledge them. Did not wipe them away or allow them to slow her.

 

For him, it was the harbor and reaper’s barge. For Inej it was a silk canopy above her.

 

For Emilia, it was this cellar.

 

“Water came once every thirty-six hours. Food was more frequent, but only accompanied by a tray being shoved to the top of the stairs. The water… it was the water, Kaz. I couldn’t refuse it, I’d die. Even the water I bathed in was… it was all drugged. All of it. I could barely stand, barely use the restroom without falling over.

 

“It was worse on the nights he came. Then, I was truly paralyzed. He lowered my heart rate so much that I… I can’t remember most of what he did to me. I only know that I became what he wanted- submissive.”

 

Kaz’s hands itched. He wanted his true cane, not the false one. He wanted to swing it into something, hard. Over and over and over again.

 

 “I couldn’t even hope to stab him with my sewing needle. Not that he gave me any fabric while I was down there. I don’t think, even if he’d not been able to still my heart or drug me, that I would have had the strength in my body to smash anything over his head.”

 

“I was weak, Kaz. I was broken and drugged and so, so far gone that I forgot my sister’s laugh and Jordan’s sweet face. I couldn’t remember the songs I’d sung with Bram or the color of Adrie’s eyes. I forgot who I was.

 

“I knew time went by because of the changing of the leaves on the bushes outside my window. I also knew, without a doubt, that I was going to die there. Under that house. Looking back, I think it was what he always planned to do with me. I remember… I remember workers coming to the house, I’d see them from my terrace. They carried all sorts of timber and metal around the corner and I always wondered what they could possibly be building.

 

“One morning I woke up and I knew I had followed Elena, only I was six feet under and still breathing.” Emilia choked on the words, her proud face trying to hold it back.

 

Kaz felt ill. Down to his bones, nausea cascaded.

 

“How did you escape?” Kaz asked, his voice small in the face of the rage he felt.

 

“There was a fire in the house. One of the security men opened my door, apparently too good to let me die in flames, but not good enough to stop me from suffocating for as many years as he had.

 

“It was luck, in a sense. It had been nearly the full thirty-six hours since I’d last had water. I was weak, but more lucid than I would have been if I’d just been dosed. I managed to crawl up the steps, one by one. When I made it out, it was night, but I thought the sun was out. It was that bright. The west wing of the house was entirely engulfed, flames making their way across the timber. I don’t think I would have lasted another five minutes down there before the smoke either crept in and suffocated me or the foundation would have collapsed atop me.

 

“He was out there, and my cellar door was next to the firewood pile. I watched as he sent the only men there for help. I leaned against the wood stack, and then… I saw the hatchet.

 

“I killed him that night, as I already told you. I also told you how I got rid of his body. I managed to get a good amount of money from his pockets, and then I found the trunk in the side of the house that wasn’t burning.

 

“I remembered who I was when I spilled his blood. It was like waking up after death, or at least it’s what I imagine it to feel like.”

 

Kaz couldn’t tear his gaze away from his aunt’s face. How much of himself had he inherited from her?

 

“I didn’t even… I didn’t even know how many years had passed by the time I left. I found your father’s letters in the bottom drawer of his desk in the office. My husband hadn’t even bothered to lock them up. It was… I was lucky to find them. Lucky the fire had been on the other side of the house.”

 

Emilia sniffled, but her words finally stilled. She brushed the wet from her cheeks.

 

“I wasn’t strong enough to get back here sooner, and it is something I will carry for the rest of my days.” Emilia said then, her face tilted to the stars. “I could have been here, for you and Jordan when Bram died. I could have been here to-"

 

“It’s not your fault.” Kaz stopped her, weaving strength into each letter.

 

Kaz knew then that Emilia had blamed herself the same way he had. For Jordie’s death. For not being… something more.

 

Emilia’s eyes turned to him, rubbed raw and still shining.

 

“It’s not our fault.” Kaz whispered.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

INEJ

 

            Inej was halfway up the stairs to fetch her book when she heard the front door creak open. She peered over the side of the bannister to see Kaz’s eyes searching the room for her, his back pressed against the door.

 

            “Hey,” Inej called, noticing the way his chest moved, his breathing was wrong, uneven. Inej hopped back down the steps in a flurry.

 

            “I just needed to see you for a second.” Kaz whispered as she approached him, his voice tired and lacking the strength she knew him for. Inej felt the hair on the back of her neck stand up.

 

            “I’m going back out there.” Kaz added as he tipped his head back against the door.

 

            “Are you alright?” Inej asked as she neared him, his eyes fell from the ceiling back to her.

 

            “No.” Kaz answered, his honesty jarring her into action.

 

            Inej did not hesitate to stand on her toes, her arms wrapping around his neck. She felt his arms snake around her waist.

 

            Kaz hugged her, tight and fierce. Something had shaken Kaz to the point of walking inside for only this moment. She pulled him impossibly closer.

 

            “Do you want me to come back out with you?” Inej whispered to him, her words muffled in his collar.

 

            “No,” He shook his head against her. “I need to tell her.” He paused, “I need to tell her everything.”

Notes:

Socials!:

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So. Yeah... I'm oof. I'm nervous.

Chapter 146: The Wrong Ones

Summary:

Emilia hears a story.

Notes:

CHAPTER 146!!!!

AHHH. Okay, so this one is a little different. It's all Emilia's POV. I will let this speak for itself, but I just really really really hope you love it. It felt right. <3 I PROMISE MORE KANEJ IS UPCOMING DON'T YOU WORRY YOUR PRETTY LITTLE GLOVES OFF (see what I did there?)

Thank you for an eternity of kindness and smiles. I love each of you more with every single chapter. <3

Please... for the love of all things holy... please tell me what you thought. Ooooofffff this was hard to write.

"Grace" by Rag'n'Bone Man (LISTEN PLEASE LISTEN PLEASE)

EMILIA

 

            Her nephew was here, after she’d spewed her entire sad tale. Here, next to her.

 

 At the end of it, Emilia thought, she’d do it all again to hear the creak of the door behind her, to feel him settle once more beside her. She was a woman of lost love and life, but she was also victorious. She was a woman crowned in her pain, thorns made of cowardice and her few gallant deeds. She’d still choose to wear that crown before she ever wore the milky white mask of death. She’d never given up, no matter how close she’d toed that line, and now… Now, she was rewarded. She was here, too.

 

            Here, in the warm budding spring, the scent of wheat in the air and the constant hush of long grass mingling against her ears.

 

Here, in the shadowy lantern light, a flask tipped back, older and wiser and once again sitting beside a Rietveld.

           

            “Sorry,” Kaz mumbled an apology in his rasping voice, his dark eyes squinting into the night above the lawn. “I just needed to… Inej.”

 

            He trailed off, his fiancé’s name serving as the only verb he could muster in explanation for his momentary absence. Emilia felt fingers of gentle warmth clutch at her heart. Her nephew loved that woman inside, it was as clear as the stars in the sky.

 

            “Don’t be. I just spewed a life’s worth of bullshit at you and should probably send you payment for listening so intently. I know it was… more than anyone could want to hear.” Emilia shrugged, letting whiskey wobble down her throat, hoping to move the hardened lump of emotion that wouldn’t seem to dissolve.

 

            “It wasn’t bullshit, it was truth.” Kaz said sharply. Emilia couldn’t be sure if the words were for her or him.

 

            “True.” Emilia replied, letting a grin unfold on her face. Kaz made a noise beside her that resembled a chuckle.

 

            “Is… is it the years you spent incapacitated that made you so…”

 

            “Observant?” Emilia finished for him. “Yes. So many days I couldn’t do much more than move my eyes. I learned to gather information that way. I noticed if there was a scent to the food brought to me. If the tea was warm or cold. Even before the cellar, I observed my husband’s clothes for signs of the seasons, of the world outside the property. I’d notice a smudge of ink and know he might have been in a bad mood because of his business correspondence. I’d gauge everything in silence. If I wanted something, I learned to wait until he was polished and the line between his brows was less prominent. Those sorts of things. It never really leaves you, once you learn to watch everything. To observe so intently.” Emilia answered. “It’s not… it’s not something I intended to do with you. It’s just…”

 

            “A part of you. I understand.” Kaz nodded, the dark waves atop his head glinting azure in the murky light. Emilia let her curiosity wash over her, released it to shrink back into the void. Kaz’s choice to speak must be his own, even if she had learned his Ketterdam identity organically.

 

            “Jordie died only months after we left the farm.” Kaz said then, his words slow and methodical. The strike of pain in her chest at the mention of her other nephew’s name was instant and jarring, like the strike of a hammer to a wooden nail.Splinters riddled her chest cavity.

 

            Yet, it was the second strike that Emilia’s fragile oak heart had not been prepared for. Kaz had been alone since he was nine-years-old. He’d lost Bram. He’d lost his home. He’d lost Jordan.

 

            He won’t lose me, Elena. He won’t. I promise, sister. I promise.

 

            “Fuck.” Kaz growled, he ran a pale hand over his face. For a moment, Emilia could not place why his movement struck her as out of place, and then, she recognized it. It was the color of his skin, lunar like her own, with long and dexterous fingers.

 

            His gloves… He was missing his gloves.

 

            Emilia glanced around her, looking for the garments.

 

            “What are you doing?” Kaz caught her, his head quirked.

 

            “You forgot your gloves.” Emilia waved him off, checking behind him to try and spot the slash of black leather in the dim light.

 

            “I didn’t forget.” Kaz said. Emilia froze before settling back against the porch.

 

            “Oh. I—"

 

            “Assumed.” Kaz glared, but Emilia saw a smirk hinting at the edges of his mouth. “I’m not sure which parts of the myth of me you heard, but… yes, I have hands under my gloves.”

 

            Emilia hadn’t meant to let the laugh free, but out it went into the night. Kaz joined her.

 

            If Emilia listened hard enough, she was certain she’d hear the distant laughs of Elena and Bram, too. The wheat never forgot a whisper, after all.

 

            Both of them cleared their throats, staring out into the yard, to the copse of aspen trees. Emilia hadn’t known she’d be capable of laughter all these years later. Not that she’d been miserable, but rather that she’d grown… dormant. Lost in her work and cause, hanging on a strand of hope so fine it might get lost in the eye of the smallest needle.

 

            “I interrupted.” Emilia said.

 

            Kaz’s eyes were trained on the dark horizon, his fingers linked loosely between his knees, leaning forward.

 

            “It’s alright. I think Jordie would tire of me limping through this tale with no laughter.” Kaz uttered the words to his shoes. Emilia’s gaze lingered on his strong profile, so much like Bram’s. So much like Elena and her own. He was a true mixture of his parents, beautiful and harsh.

 

            “Do you know why your parents named you ‘Kaz’?” Emilia asked. This caught his attention, she saw it in the subtle way his head tilted toward her words, a true lending of the ear.

 

            “No. My Da never told me. Or if he did, I don’t remember.” Kaz shook his head.

 

            “Your uncle was named ‘Kazimir’.”

 

            “Ah, ‘famous destroyer of peace’.” Kaz scoffed, the sound mirthless. “I’d say it was fitting but I’ve always just been ‘Kaz’.”

 

            Emilia’s chest constricted. She didn’t know yet why he thought so lowly of himself, but she knew she wished it wasn’t so.

 

            “Your mother didn’t like the name as it was, but she loved your uncle. Your father’s brother. Or, rather, she loved the idea of him. He died before your parents ever met, but even I know the story, your Da always told it, even if it brought out grief he’d rather leave nestled in age.”

 

            Kaz’s eyes turned to her then, the light glinting in dull scythes across his irises. He was listening intently.

 

            “Your uncle was… restless, never wanted to stay here in the countryside. He’d longed for adventure, for expedition. Since boyhood, according to your father. Kazimir joined a team of explorers bound for the Southern colonies at only twenty, your father had been only fifteen at the time, but had already decided he’d take over the farm for his own father in place of Kazimir.” Emilia continued.

 

            “He died after injuries he sustained climbing the tallest peak in that part of the world. He wrote from his hospital bed, or rather he hired someone to write for him. Do you want to know what his final response was, when your grandfather had written and asked him why he’d attempted the climb in the first place?”

 

            Kaz nodded, hesitantly, but his eyes were eager.

 

            “He wrote ‘Because I could, and I did.’” Emilia smiled. She remembered the first time she’d heard the tale from Bram, longer, but the message remained the same. It had been right here, twenty years earlier, as Elle had argued with her husband over what to name their second born.

 

            Kaz’s eyes widened in surprise, his throat working on a swallow.

 

            “So, your mother sought to name you after him. I think Bram wanted it as well, but he was afraid he’d see his brother in his son too often.”

 

            “But why not the full name?” Kaz asked.

 

            “Because she said she wanted you to have all the adventurous parts of your uncle, and the brains of your father. They decided on ‘Kaz’ because in rough translation to the old language, it only means ‘destroyer’, and destruction is necessary for strength. In my opinion. And in your parent’s opinions.” Emilia replied.

 

            Kaz was silent as he turned her words over, a muscle ticking in his jaw.

 

            “Why did you tell me?”

 

            “Because I can see you staring up the mountain, nephew. I won’t tell you to climb it, only that I know you can, if you choose to.”

 

            Kaz’s sigh was shaky, a whistle amongst the evening’s melody.

 

            “How do I know I can trust you?” Kaz asked. It felt like admittance before he’d even shared a secret.

 

            “You don’t.” Emilia replied. “All the best things are achieved not in the lack of fear, but in spite of it.”

 

            “Spite has always served me well.” Kaz confided.

 

            “I feel much the same.” Emilia turned to him then, hoping he understood that if he remained silent, she would continue to wait for him on the summit, hand outstretched. A long pause befell them, two marooned people lost in the fog of chaotic memories.

 

            “It was… Jordie wanted to become a merchant. He had all these plans for us, a life already mapped before we even stepped foot in the city. He’d work, I’d go to school. We’d have ourselves a little apartment above a canal. It never sounded so bad when he talked about it, but when I think back, I know that he painted a life for me to see. Jordie didn’t actually want to be a merchant, but he would be so that I didn’t have to give up any dream I might have had.” Kaz paused, he twisted his hands around.

 

Emilia could only nod, lest the words she’d needed for twenty years sneak away into the maze of fields.

 

            “We didn’t sell this place for much, it was hardly a grand sum. We had very little going to Ketterdam.”

 

            Emilia turned her face toward the sky, leaning her head against the porch railing. It was as if the movement, the silent avoidance of his audience, gave Kaz strength to continue.

 

            On the gust of a rattling breath, he told her a story of two brothers, one green and one gray, both underestimated.

 

            Her nephew fed the words to her and the cicadas on a knife’s edge, the threat of a slice always lingering between one sentence and the next.

 

            He told her of a tiny room, too small to occupy a nine-year-old’s expansive imagination. She learned of a boy’s glimpse of magic within the metal heart of a disappearing coin. Emilia heard the click of a key in a wind-up toy dog. She smelled the sweet scent of hot chocolate against the salty air of the harbor.

 

            He told her of a coffee house, boarded up to the roof in false promises. He spoke of a man, vile and cruel. A thief and a con, wrapped in red ribbons and scented of hutspot.

 

            Emilia cursed the wind on her cheeks as he spoke of the sirens blaring, of doors slamming on two little boys out in the cold.

 

            “The Queen’s Lady Plague,” Emilia whispered.

 

            Kaz swallowed. He’d not looked at her again. “Yes,” his rasp was slow to come, and harder to hear.

 

            Emilia’s eyes slid to him once, where she saw his grip tighten on the gloves he now clutched. Gloves that he’d not slipped over his hands.He held them there, wringing and twisting, but never putting them on. They looked like a burned snake’s shed skin, hanging there between his fingers.

 

            He forged on, black brows pitched together in pain she could not aid, only endure beside him as he had for her.

 

            Jordan fell ill on the streets, first. Kaz had been an affectionate boy who had crawled to his brother for comfort when he’d caught the fever. He’d tried to keep Jordan warm with his ripped coat.

 

            Elle. Bram. Jordan. I’m sorry. Kaz, I’m sorry.

 

            “It was when I woke up that I realized Jordie was… he was gone.” Kaz whispered. “I tried to wake him, but my voice wouldn’t work. My throat was too raw from coughing.”

 

            Emilia held her breath.

 

            Jordan. Jordie. The little boy she’d known. The smart little thing with a smile like the stars and the crescent moon dimple to match.

 

The boy she’d caught cicadas with in the sunshine as Elle worked in the garden. The tiny person she’d cradled in her arms on his first day of life, when Elle had beamed from ear-to-ear and Bram had cried silently, happiness glittering from his warm eyes.

 

Oh, sweet boy. Nephew.

 

Emilia did not know that it could get worse than the pain she’d endured her first night back in Lij, mourning Bram and the disappearance of her nephews.

 

While this truth of Jordan’s passing eased a scratch, it left a hollowing ache. Something never ending. A pain never to be patched up with the scraps of hope she’d bandaged around her heart for so long.

 

“You… you’re familiar with the processing of the dead, in Ketterdam?” Kaz asked. Emilia managed to nod.

 

“The body men came, but I’d passed out again.”

 

“You were not able to say goodbye.” Emilia surmised.

 

Kaz shook his head harshly. “That’s not… I wish that were it.”

 

Emilia couldn’t comprehend what she saw on Kaz’s face then. She pushed the flask across the step toward him. He did not hesitate to swing it back, taking a deep swallow of the whiskey.

 

“I was taken out to Reaper’s barge. They thought I was among the dead. I had the sores. The silence. They could not stop hauling bodies out of the city. They wouldn’t dare stop and tempt the spread just to test every corpse’s pulse.”

 

Emilia bit her cheek, blood swelling against her teeth in an angry tide. Her stomach churned, the whiskey that was once helpful became a catalyst to her innards.

 

The body boat. The mass burning site in the harbor. Emilia had been in Ketterdam enough times to see the smoke rise from that cursed pyre. In the distance, it had resembled an ink stain against the already gray skies.

 

“I woke up on the barge, my fever had broken, but there was… there was no one living with me. I was nine and surrounded by corpses that pressed and poked. Corpses that dared me to die with every scream I let out. Jordie was there, floating in the water… bloated and… I had to leave. They’d be back to set fire to the bodies… I had to swim but I hadn’t eaten and I was so skinny and weak.”

 

Emilia’s eyes were watering. He did not look at her. His knuckles were white on the gloves in his hands.

 

“I used his body as a raft, to get back to land. The skin… it… it was everywhere. It peeled off of him all the way across the harbor, like wet paper.” Kaz said quickly, as if he needed to say it as fast as he could or it would simply never leave his mouth.

 

His gloves. He’d told her in her seamstress shop that… he didn’t like being touched. No, that he could not bear to be touched.

 

“I wasn’t strong enough to pull him out with me, once I made it to the docks. I watched him get drug under by the current. I was hypothermic and…” He trailed off. A lightning bug buzzed around his head, casting an eerie halo to his dark hair.

 

“I crawled out of the water, but I wasn’t the boy who had gone in. I was something else. Something angrier. Something wicked, too.”

 

Her entire body ached, plagued with sadness.

 

“That was the day that Kaz Brekker grabbed me by the wrists and forced me to stand back up. He was me, only better. Fiercer. Harder. Stronger.”

 

It was too familiar, the pain she spied etched into the still young lines of his face. The anger, the regret. The guilt.

 

Emilia reached out with cupped hands, capturing the lightning bug with her palms, it’s glowing light escaping between the cracks of her fingers. She leaned closer to Kaz, showing him.

 

“You see that?” Emilia asked.

 

Kaz’s eyes were black glass, the bug’s light reflecting the fractures within.

 

Kaz hummed.

 

“Isn’t it strange, how that light still leaks out?” Emilia pondered.

 

“No.” Kaz quirked his head in confusion. “It’s because you have cracks between your fingers?” He added, a touch of sarcasm in his voice.

 

Emilia shook her head softly with a snicker.

 

“I can cover this light with all the blackness I can find, but still, it will shine in the dark. I think that is the closest we can come to understanding ourselves. We can cover every inch of our skin with shrouds, but our nature remains underneath.”

 

“You sound like Inej.” Kaz scoffed, the burr of his voice deeper with despair. “I did not crawl out of that harbor a good man, Emilia. No one forced me to do what I did after that night. I chose it. I became who I am because I wanted to.”

 

Emilia released the bug to the air. She sensed he had more to say.

 

“I lied. I killed. I cheated. I beat and bent and broke. I took and gave nothing but violence in return. I joined a gang and built it as my army. I have taken life and livelihood and not lost a moment’s peace over it, Emilia. You may think it a tragedy, I define it a comedy. I lived my life with only the ruination of one man in mind, and he paid that price in the end.”

 

Emilia did not need to ask which man he spoke of. The one who had cheated him and Jordan out of their money.

 

“You got the wrong brother back. This one is scarred and has no fucking clue how he got here.” Kaz said then, lips pressed tight.

 

Emilia felt like a storm cloud, heavy and dark. She had not decided whether to rain or thunder.  

 

He did not understand. Kaz could not see himself from her spot in the sky.

 

“I have lied. I have killed. I cheated. I murdered a man and left his home to burn. I drank and danced and screamed at the stars and prayed for nothing but vengeance for my stolen life and for those of the family I missed so much.” Emilia paraphrased his words back to him.

 

“You got the wrong sister back, nephew. This one is broken and twisted around the edges.” She paused as Kaz’s eyes lifted to hers. “But, it is those of us whose tales are smeared with blood who know the pricelessness of a fresh page. It is those of us who are scarred that know the weight of pain, and the worth of healing.”

 

Kaz stared at her, his jaw tight but his shoulders loose. She wondered how long he’d held his perfect posture in front of her.  She watched as he understood, his eyes widening ever so slightly.

 

“I don’t think I got the wrong nephew. We’re far too much alike for that.”

 

At this, Kaz’s lips twitched slowly until a wide grin broke on his face. A dimple in his left cheek, just like Jordan.

 

“Besides, don’t you think every dead member of our family is just thrilled that somehow the drinking lesbian seamstress and the criminal gang leader are the two sets of genetics to survive all this time? Might as well keep each other around to spite them.” Emilia added, toasting the sky with her flask.

 

Kaz laughed, deep and true. He sounded like Bram. He sounded… happy.

 

“You do sew my blazers better than any tailor I’ve ever had.” Kaz jested, the words tickled in amusement.

 

Emilia nudged his knee with her own.

 

“So, neither of us are good?” Kaz asked quietly.

 

“Neither of us are bad, either.” Emilia shrugged.

 

Kaz nodded toward the stars.

 

“Alright, then.” Kaz said under his breath, using the railing to pull himself to his feet.

 

Emilia pushed herself up, too, preparing to say goodnight despite the early hour. She wouldn’t keep him from Inej any longer.

 

Emilia made it down one step before he called out.

 

“Aunt Emilia?”

 

She froze. He’d not called her that before.

 

Slowly, she turned back to face him fully.

 

“Come in, if you want.”

 

“Alright then.” Emilia smiled, repeating his words back to him once more.

 

This time, before Emilia entered the house, she stopped to smell the marigold in the window box. It smelled like her lost sister’s hugs, familiar and warm.

 

Elle, I’ve got your son. I’ve got him from here.

 

A petal fell from the flower as she walked away. She could already hear Inej and Kaz’s voices from inside the house. Their soft timber guided her somewhere new.

 

Forward.

Notes:

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SO!!! What did you think?<33 (DID YOU LISTEN TO THE SONG?)

Also, I’m very nervous about this one. Mostly because I feel like it’s hard to write someone who doesn’t really know Kaz at all hearing this and for it being now his fifth person to know and he’s getting better at it… you know?? Oof. Anyways….

Chapter 147: Peace

Summary:

A night in.

Notes:

CHAPTER 147!!!!

Hi guys!!!! SOOO i'm back again. Yes. So, i'll keep this really short, but this one is kind of just... peace. I chose the title purposefully. I hope you love it, I think I had the most fun writing this chapter recently. It just... it just left me feeling good and I hope it does the same for you. Happy reading <3

Thank you for everything, dear readers. Every single day I am grateful for you.

Let me know what you think, please??? *cue whining* <33 Seriously though, you guys motivate me so much. I'd love to hear your thoughts, as I always do.

"Better Days" by The Goo Goo Dolls (I may have used this one before but seriously it's so fitting that I don't care.)

INEJ

 

            Inej was halfway through double checking every map she’d brought to Lij with them when the front door creaked open. Kaz. Inej noticed that his eyes were red, as if he’d run his hands over them to stop any wetness that had lingered there.

 

            “Hey,” Inej smiled up at him from her spot in front of the sofa, cross legged on the floor and a mug of chamomile tea beside her. The fire was lit in the hearth, warming her back as the night air began to cool the house.

 

            Kaz’s lips lifted as he eyed her makeshift desk that spanned at least five feet in front of her.

 

            “I’d intended to kiss you but it seems you’ve adopted a moat of maps, wraith.” He rasped.

 

            Inej shrugged, tapping her pen against her knee with a smile. It was when the door clicked shut that Inej realized Emilia had come in behind Kaz.

 

            Inej glanced up at Kaz and back to her maps. His head shook subtly, his eyes telling her it was safe to leave them out. Inej’s shoulders relaxed instantly. That meant… that meant that Kaz trusted Emilia, more than he had before. Part of Inej longed to have their solitude, if only so he might share what had transpired.

 

            Part of Inej also longed for their solitude simply because she’d missed him, for the entirety of the day. It was a silly notion, to be capable of months apart, but then to have wings in her stomach after so little time. Inej would be lying to herself if she didn’t also admit to having found her mind continuously wandering to the night they’d shared before, the morning that had been cut too short.

 

            They’d finally broken down a barrier that had taken years of work, of strife and grief, and they’d not been granted the day to relish in it. To… just be.

 

            Inej was not resentful, Kaz had needed this day. This time with Emilia. Inej had needed to put her mind to work for her voyage, anyhow. She simply missed him. She knew her days in this free place were dwindling.

 

            If moments were able to be captured, Inej would have snatched all of hers and shoved them into Kaz’s pockets until they burst. She would have laid seconds of time against his lips, his cheeks, his hands. They were all his, anyhow. They had been for as long as Inej had known him, in some way or another.

 

            “’Nej?” Kaz called. She’d fallen silent, staring up at him. His shirt was crumpled, there was a smear of dirt on his wrist. His hair was longer on the sides now, after weeks without a sheer. A heavy dusting of stubble grazed his sharp jaw.

 

            He looked… he looked simply like a man she’d met only in private. This was her Kaz, the one with a bit of sun to his cheeks and a gentle rasp that caressed rather than bit.

 

            She could also see the exhaustion underneath all of it. Yet… Inej could see no true sadness in his deep eyes. Only something that strikingly resembled hope.

 

            “What?” Inej asked, shaking her head. She glanced down at his sleep trousers she’d donned a bell ago, paired with his soft black sweater she’d only actually seen him wear once in Ravka. Inej knew she had no reason to alter her appearance in front of Emilia, but still she swallowed in slight unease.

 

            This was new. Different than being amongst her family in Aska Vasman. She’d never… there had never been a reason to consider being around Kaz’s family. He’d not thought he’d had any beyond the one they’d built with Jesper and Wylan, Nina, and Inej’s own kin.

 

            “What did you say?” Inej asked again, only then realizing that Kaz was holding out his bare hand, offering to lift her up off the floor. He smirked at her, dark eyes simmering amber from the firelight.

 

            “That’s… quite a collection of oceanic topography.” Emilia’s boots clicked on the wood as she came to stand beside Kaz, peering down at the maps. Inej gripped his hand and he pulled her up. She glanced down at her paper sea, pride seeping into her. She’d gotten it down to an exact route, she knew how to get to Kane’s fortress. Before, she’d had the bones. Now, she had the flesh and sinew of the course.

 

            “Yes, though I feel inclined to tell you this is only about a sixth of the maps I have.” Inej responded as she leapt out of her circle.

 

            “Truly?” Emilia smiled up at her, squatting and holding a map of the Shu Han coast to the firelight.

 

            “In our apartment in Ketterdam, I made sure Inej would have wall to wall bookshelves in her office, all for her maps.” Kaz added. “I suspect they will still bleed into the rest of the place.” He winked at her from the corner of his eye.

 

            Inej’s cheeks flooded with unexpected blush. He was teasing her, and she would poke back.

 

            “Perhaps. But to find out, we might actually have to unpack more than our clothing and bed.” Inej chided and Kaz rolled his eyes. Truly, there had been no time these past months since he’d shown her the High Wire. They’d been on the sea, and recovering. Then, they’d been ambushed by the Ravkan Monarchy. Business as usual, Inej thought bitterly.

 

            “Don’t complain when she unpacks everything herself. She’ll tire of waiting for you, nephew.” Emilia looked up at Kaz over her shoulder with a raised brow and amusement in her eyes.

 

            “I would never complain.” Kaz pressed a hand to his chest.

 

            “You’re a man, you’ll complain.” Emilia snickered. Inej couldn’t hold back her chuckle.

 

            “Not you too.” Kaz looked at her, trying his very best to conjure his usual glare. He failed.

 

            Inej slipped herself under Kaz’s arm and stood on her toes to press a kiss to his cheek.

 

            “Affection won’t make me forget that you did not deny that I won’t complain.” Kaz grumbled. His fingers on her shoulder pressed her tighter to him. He didn’t seem to mind her small show of affection.

 

            “I’m glad you both came in, I’m starving.” Inej said.

 

            “You see?” Kaz exclaimed. “Complaints and not from me.”

 

            Inej giggled a devious thing as Emilia rolled her eyes and stood back up.

 

            “Yes, very good. Point proven.” Emilia said to Kaz with a wink to Inej.

 

            “I saw that.” Kaz mumbled.

 

            “Good, I wasn’t hiding it.”

 

            Kaz huffed in defeat.

 

            “I need a shower, don’t let Inej near the stove.” Kaz pressed a kiss to her head before he released her, limping toward the bathroom.

 

            “You aren’t allowed near the stove.” Emilia said then. “There, I’ve done my due diligence.”

 

            Inej found herself cackling all the way into the kitchen, Emilia beside her.

 

            As Inej dug around in their meager food from the village, Emilia took a seat at the table. Inej found it was not awkward, just companionable silence. A moment later, they both heard the old brass pipes creak as Kaz started the shower.

 

            “He’ll be happier when he is clean shaven.” Inej said as she pulled out a loaf of bread from the bag.

 

            “I think he’d look nice enough with facial hair if he put the effort into keeping it neat, like his father.” Emilia responded, leaning back in her chair.

 

            “Don’t let him hear that. He can’t stand the scratching.” Inej chuckled. She didn’t mention that she was also quite fond of Kaz’s jaw, kissing along it without the obstruction of a beard.

 

            “Warning noted.” Emilia smiled when Inej turned to look at her.

 

            “We don’t have much. We’ll probably have to go into town at least once more while we’re here.” Inej said as she placed the tin of apricot jelly on the table beside the bread. She had also found an unopened bag of salted peanuts in the bottom as a side.

 

            “Doesn’t bother me at all. I didn’t… expect to be here for dinner.” Emilia said softly.

 

            “I’m glad the two of you spoke.” Inej said in answer, willing her curiosity to stay at bay.

 

            Just then, Kaz’s voice called from the other room. “Inej!”

 

Inej nodded once at Emilia before heading toward him.

 

What Inej found could only be described as a cat stuck in the rain with the tiny scowl to match. Kaz had the bathroom door cracked for her, a towel wrapped low around his hips as he leaned against the small sink basin for support.

 

“Oh.” Inej stuttered in the doorway.

 

Kaz’s eyebrow lifted, his eyes sparking with just a pinch of smugness that he’d caused her to pause. His hair was a wet disarray, the drops slinking down his throat, clinging to the hollows of his collar bones.

 

She linked her hands in front of her, keeping from reaching out to touch. She would not send him into a mental hell scape simply because she was insatiable.

 

“Yes?” Inej dragged her eyes back to his face from his chest. From lower.

 

“No, it’s quite alright. I’ll give you a moment.” Kaz gave her a crooked grin, hip cocked against the basin as he crossed his arms over his chest.

 

There he went again. One moment he made her flush and the next she was ready to pull a knife, if only to make him sweat a bit.

 

“You are ridiculous.” Inej huffed, cheeks still warm.

 

“You’re red, darling. Save some blush for later.”

 

“You seem to think there will be a later that requires any amount of blush.” Inej countered.

 

He stepped away from the counter, her back hitting the door as he stepped into her space. He moved slow enough that she could have moved if she’d wanted to, and she knew he’d done it very intentionally. Somehow, it made the movement more wicked, that he knew her and her limits so well. So much so that he’d probably not even had to think of it anymore.

 

It made her gulp as he stared down at her, water drops still clinging to his black lashes. It was clear he’d still been thinking about their previous night and morning, too. Despite the day, she’d lingered in his mind as well. The thought sent a rush of warmth through her entire body.

 

“I’m good at reading the room, Inej. I wouldn’t have said it if I weren’t confident in my odds.” He rasped. His eyes were intense, never letting her look past him. A shiver lanced her spine, her stomach flipped in pleasant awareness of how close their bodies were.

 

He was right to be confident. She’d not tell him until later, when she planned to have him pinned instead.

 

“So good at reading the room that you didn’t realize I still have a blade in the waistband of these pants.” Inej whispered with a wicked smirk to match.

 

His eyes fluttered shut as he took a deep breath through his nose. His hand balanced on the door above her head and she could see the shift in the muscle of his wrist as he stretched his fingers against the wood.

 

Oh, she had gotten him. Two could play at this game, Inej thought smugly.

 

“Which one?” Kaz asked, eyes still closed. His head had dipped dangerously close to her forehead. She could smell the soap on his skin, and the heady oil concoction he used on his throat after shaving. It was intoxicating, the smell heightened by the locked in steam from his shower.

 

“If you’re lucky, you’ll find out when we’re alone.” Inej answered in a whisper. She tracked the path of a water drop as it slid from his hair and down his shoulder.

 

“Fuck.” Kaz ground out. His eyes opened and to Inej’s surprise, he leaned in, placing a tiny kiss to the corner of her mouth. He pulled away, taking several steps back from her.

 

She chewed on her lip to keep from grinning, her eyes silently asking him what could possibly be the problem.

 

He sent her a pointed look as he adjusted the towel around his waist. His eyes seemed to say “you know what you’ve done”. And she did. Inej was damn proud of it, in fact.

 

“I can’t imagine you called me in here for company when we have company, mera chaar. What business?” Inej said then, her lips permanently repressing a victorious grin. He perked up immediately.

 

“Right.” Kaz mumbled, taking a smaller towel from the hook and running it through his hair roughly. “I fucked up.”

 

Inej quirked her head dramatically. “The knob to the left is hot water and the one on the right is—"

 

Kaz threw his hair towel at her face.

 

“Not that, smart ass.” Kaz chuckled and she couldn’t help the smile on her face any longer. She giggled when he sent her a faux glare.

 

“I didn’t go upstairs and get fresh clothes. Can you get them?” Kaz continued. She saw him grimace to himself for only a split second. His leg was bothering him, then.

 

“Of course. If you’ll use the ointment on your knee without protest. Not later, now.” Inej stated her demand. She knew it would help, it had done him wonders after their failed sea voyage. She also knew how much pride Kaz had inside of him, and to let Inej see him take care of his needs was one thing, but with Emilia around, it was another.

 

“Counter offer, you bring the jar in here and I’ll put it on before I dress.” Kaz looked at her hopefully in the mirror.

 

“You should really wait to apply it until you sit down and let it settle…”

 

She did not miss the way Kaz’s lips formed a frown at her in his reflection.

 

“Kaz.” Inej chastised. Emilia was waiting for them in the kitchen and here they were, arguing over his health.

 

“I’ll bribe you, mera nadra.” His eyes swept her up and down in the mirror. She swallowed.

 

“Not going to work. You need clothes.”

 

“What are you going to do, blockade the stairs? I can go get them myself.” He grinned.

 

“I will if I must.” Inej returned with a glare. He groaned.

 

“Fine.” He conceded as she slipped out the door with a smile on her face. She laughed to herself as she ascended the steps to fetch his things.

 

The Wraith, score of one. Dirtyhands, score: negative one.

 

 

KAZ

 

            Kaz limped toward the kitchen feeling far more like himself than he had all day. Inej had not brought him a tie or vest, but she had given him one of his best shirts and a looser pair of pants; part of her coercing him to use the numbing ointment on his knee. It had taken him longer to rectify his previous roughness than he’d planned, his leg entirely unhelpful.

 

            He’d sat on Jordie’s boulder for too long in the same position today, he’d also walked all the way across the property. His knee protested with each step and he relied heavily on the cane, tonight. He wondered if perhaps a storm was set for the coming days, the rain always made his old injury flare.

 

            Exhaustion lingered on his shoulders, but it was not the type of tired Kaz could rid himself of with caffeine or sleep. It was the exhaustion that followed an out pour of emotion he’d once tried to convince himself he wasn’t capable of.

 

            This time, it was welcome. It was a weight lighter than the burden of bitterness and hatred. This weight was made of healing pieces, some metal, some fresh air.

 

             Kaz did not expect the sight that greeted him in the kitchen.

 

            His fiancé and Emilia were sitting at the table, Inej’s bottle of peach kvas between them with a bowl of peanuts. Inej was laughing, her cheeks a tender pink and her dark eyes glittering in the low light of the overhead light. His stomach flipped for that laugh.

 

Emilia had discarded her blazer and was chuckling, too.

 

“What did I miss?” Kaz rasped as he entered the kitchen, stopping by the table to pluck a handful of peanuts for himself.

 

“None of your concern, Kaz.” Emilia replied, lips pursed conspiratorially. Inej couldn’t catch her breath, her laughter turning near silent.

 

He’d not seen her laugh so hard in weeks. Since before Nikolai and Zoya had appeared in Ketterdam at the very least. Since Ravka at the most.

 

Inej shook her head when he raised a brow. He couldn’t help but let his own smile free. Inej was small and shaking in her chair, lost to something he could not begin to guess at.

 

“Dinner will be ready momentarily.” Emilia greeted him properly as she stood and walked to the stove. He’d not realized it had been lit before now. “Sit, you’re limping.”

 

“I always limp.” Kaz rolled his eyes.

 

Emilia turned over her shoulder and sent him a glare.

 

He sat.

 

Inej laughed harder.

 

“Remarkable.” Inej choked out. He thought he heard a muttering of “saints” under her breath.

 

“You don’t have to cook us anything.” Kaz rasped to Emilia as he deshelled peanuts over the dish.

 

“That’s what I said, but she was already doing it when I came in.” Inej said, her breathing finally recovering. She took a long sip of her kvas and Kaz tried not to fixate on her lips. Lips that he knew would taste like sweet wine if he licked them.

 

Not the time, Brekker.

 

“I wanted to.” Emilia answered as she grabbed plates from beside the sink that he was certain Inej must have washed earlier in the day. They were lucky they’d bought a set of four in town. If Kaz had been able, he’d have only gotten two.

 

“And no, she went nowhere near the fire.” Emilia winked at Inej.

 

Kaz snickered as Inej scowled into her wine.

 

Moments later, Emilia was setting the plates before them. It was nothing grand, they’d not had many supplies, but Kaz knew he’d gone far too long without eating an actual meal. She presented them with toasted bread with apricot jam, and a side of recently sliced fruit salad.

 

“I think I like the idea of this.” Inej said.

 

“Idea of what?” Kaz rasped.

 

“Breakfast foods at night. I like it. Like waffles.” Inej smiled.

 

“All breakfast tastes better at night, or at least that’s what my sister used to say.” Emilia added as she settled into the seat beside Inej. Kaz tucked the tiny piece of his mother away into his chest.

 

Inej’s eyes slid to him, asking for permission for something. Kaz didn’t understand her question, this time. All he could do was give her the stage, his head nodded slightly as he bit into his toast.

 

“What was she like, if you don’t mind me asking?” Inej asked Emilia then. “Elena, I mean.”

 

            Kaz had asked Emilia the same question in her seamstress shop when Inej had not been in the room. This time, he did not fear any answer she could give. He did not pause or wonder if this conversation should end.

 

            The opposite was true.

 

            Emilia smiled. “I won’t bother to tell you what she looked like, she stole my face.”

 

            Then, Inej was laughing again. It took him longer to realize that he was, too.

 

            As they ate breakfast in a yellow kitchen, Emilia told them stories about two twins in the countryside. About a girl who had been brave, fiercely kind, and stronger than anyone ever thought.

 

 About her sister, who had been much the same, even if Kaz had decided that one on his own. He was learning from experience.

 

Mama, we both made it back.

 

 

 

INEJ

 

            “I am not.” Inej whined.

 

            “You are.” Kaz’s voice was a sweet whisper against her ear. She tried to lean into him, but her eyes wouldn’t open to find him.

 

            “We need to watch her with the kvas.” Emilia’s voice joined his, her laugh clear and bright.  

 

            “You have a laugh like sunshine.” Inej told her very seriously. She didn’t know why her head was spinning.

 

            “Oh. Thank you.” Emilia sounded startled.

 

            “She’s affectionate when she’s tipsy and tired.” Kaz whispered to his aunt. Inej realized her head was on Kaz’s lap.

 

            She vaguely remembered them moving into the living room after dinner. Kaz had put the ointment on his leg and Emilia hadn’t said a word about it as they’d sat by the fire. Inej recalled Emilia sitting on the piano bench while they’d sat on the old sofa.

 

            Kaz and Emilia had started playing a round of straight shot while she’d piled up her maps, all of them conversing about random things in Ketterdam. The stave magicians, the casinos. Even The Crow Club, for a moment.

 

They’d opened the second bottle of wine Kaz had bought for Inej in town.

 

            “And you, Kaz Brekker, are simply the most attractive thing I’ve ever seen. Also, very generous in be-” Inej paused when she heard Kaz’s urgent and laughing “ssh”.  

 

Right, Emilia was his aunt. Not very nice to talk about such things when she was here.

 

            “See?” Kaz whispered. Inej felt his hand scratching her back lazily.

 

            “She’s a fucking delight.” Emilia replied, Inej could hear the smile in her voice.

 

            “Yes, I am.” Inej nodded gravely against Kaz’s thigh. She felt his laughter reverberating through her cheek.

 

            “Kaz.” Inej whispered. She knew he was talking again, but she couldn’t seem to latch onto the words around her anymore, her ears were done processing properly.

 

            “Yes?” He leaned over her, she felt his fingers tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.

 

            “I’m going to go to sleep. Tell Emilia to come back tomorrow.”

 

            “I will.” Emilia answered. Right, she could hear her.

 

            Inej managed to lift her arm in what she hoped was a wave behind her toward Emilia’s voice.

 

            “Glad you’re here.” Inej mumbled softly as sleep began to drag her under.

 

            “Me too.” Emilia’s silvery voice replied.

 

            “Don’t go to bed without me or I’ll be grumpy.” Inej threatened Kaz.

 

            “I won’t. You can sleep until our game is over and then you, mera nadra, are drinking water and coming upstairs.”

 

            Inej grumbled sleepily.

 

            “You’ll take care of me?” Inej whispered.

 

            “Always.” Kaz rubbed her back, his fingers tracing patterns in her spine.

 

            Inej’s last memory before sleep claimed her was of Kaz’s voice speaking softly to Emilia.

 

            She didn’t know what they said, only that it sounded right. It felt like the house itself sighed. This farm house had waited a long time for a fire to burn in its hearth-like heart, and for Kaz and Emilia’s voices to fill its veins.

 

            It felt like a family. All three of them in the Rietveld living room.

Notes:

Socials!:

tiktok, tumblr, kofi: @ravenyenn19

Come say hi! <33

PEACE LOOKS GOOD ON THEM OK

Chapter 148: Dreamers

Summary:

A quiet moment.

Notes:

CHAPTER 148!!!!

Hi everyone! I'm back! <3 I hope you all are well, I know it's been about a week since my last upload. But! I'll keep this truly short, this was almost a 'deleted scene' chapter (i do plan to release every deleted scene after DWOD is over fyi) but I just loved it too much. Have a slice of life because this one is just for Kaz & Inej <33 I love you all and I hope you love this one!

Thank you for everything, always and eternally. You are the absolute best readers I could ever ask for.

Come let me know what you thought in the comments! I read every single one and you all never cease to brighten my days, something this author could use right now, if i'm honest. Love you<3

"Home" by Catie Turner (it's the vibe not the lyrics. SO SOFT & GENTLE)

INEJ

            Inej’s eyes peeled open to squint into dim, golden light. She was facing the wall with the window, the bed’s reflection was gilded by the chattering fires glow. A black backdrop told her it had to be sometime in the middle of the night, far off from dawn.

 

            Her heartbeat pulsed in her temples, her throat was dry and caked in residual sleep. Inej did not remember coming to bed, but she knew she was upstairs in the Rietveld farmhouse, and that she was blissfully warm under the covers. Inej’s eyes strayed back to the window where she caught the glitter of the hurricane lamp behind her, adding to the warmth of the room.

 

            It was the man reflected that drew Inej’s attention, instead. Kaz was beside her in the bed, back propped against the headboard with his long legs stretched out and crossed at the ankles. He had a novel in his lap. His finger rubbed gently over the corner of a page before it turned. Inej silently catalogued his movements. The hand that reached for a sip of water from the small bedside table. The fingers that ran through his hair. The way the next page turned quickly, as if she might have caught him at a good spot. Inej found herself watching for at least another few pages as he read, hoping to give him time to get through whatever had caught his attention. Perhaps a battle scene?

 

            This was Kaz, Inej thought. He could very well be reading about the stock markets in other countries with as much apt fascination. She smiled silently against the pillow, even through her headache and thirst.

 

            Inej fished through her memories until she recalled the loud ‘pop’ of a cork, and peach kvas. Her stomach recoiled from the image. The wine. Oh saints, Emilia had been here… and Inej had let herself indulge in a way she hadn’t since her last true voyage upon the Wraith.

 

At least it wasn’t rum.

 

            A hand rubbed along her back then, a simple smooth motion over the covers, delicate so as not to wake her. Just a touch because he simply wanted to. Her eyes flickered back to his reflection and she saw his eyes still focused on his book.

 

            Finally, Inej stretched as his hand fell away, a yawn came loose from her lips with a squeak. She rolled over in her cocoon of sheets to face him.

 

            “Hello, darling.” Kaz’s dark eyes lifted from his book, a golden twinkle studding his irises.

 

            “Hi.” Inej said sheepishly, head still plastered to the pillow.

 

            Kaz reached for the water and she nudged her hand out of the blankets, sitting up on an elbow to take a deep drink before settling back down. She didn’t miss the way his eyes watched her, making sure she took in whatever hydration quota he’d set. She must have passed as he allowed her to hand the cup back.

 

            “I don’t remember coming to bed.” Inej whispered and she saw Kaz’s lips flicker into a small smirk.

 

            “I don’t suppose you do.” He chuckled as he folded over the corner of his page to mark his spot.

 

            “What’s the time?”

 

            “Half two bells.” Kaz responded as he set his book down on the bed beside him.

 

            Inej winced. The last she’d remembered it had only been nine bells. Then again, that had been before the last couple drinks. She felt sober now, despite the pulse of her head. She knew the water would help.

 

            “Did Emilia go home?” Inej asked.

 

            Kaz nodded. “I made her take the last bit of wine with her.”

 

            “Probably for the best.” Inej chuckled.

 

            It was then, as Inej moved her legs in a stretch beneath the sheets, that she realized she was not wearing clothes. Her face heated, while she knew Kaz would not touch her whilst she was drunk, she still had no idea why she wasn’t wearing a stitch beneath the covers. Embarrassment coated her, even if it was Kaz beside her.

 

            “I’m not wearing any clothes.” Inej sunk further into her blanket nest.

 

            “That would be your own doing.” Kaz replied, his lips tipped into a full, mischievous smile.

 

            Damn, the dimple. What had she done?

 

            “I carried you upstairs, set you down and went to get you one of my shirts, and when I turned around, half of your clothes were gone,” Kaz smiled as he maneuvered himself to lay beside her, head propped on his hand. “Then you said some… colorful things about… me, and what you wanted me to do with that information.”

 

            Inej shrank into the bed, pulled the sheet up over her blazing face. Kaz reached out and gently extricated the fabric from her fingers until she had no choice but to look at him. His cheeks were hollowed by the golden light, a knowing smile still latched onto his lips. He was going to make her hear this tale.

 

            “And when I told you ‘no’ because you were too tipsy, very gently I might add, you proceeded to cry. You said, and I quote, ‘you don’t think I’m pretttyty anymore.’ Yes, exactly like that.”

 

            “Saints,” Inej whined, pulling the sheet over her face once more. Kaz’s laughter shook the bed.

 

            Inej peeked over her blanket mask, glaring. “But you do, right? Think I’m pretttyty?”

 

            Kaz reached over again, his arms wrapped around her in the sheets as he pulled her right across the bed to him until she was buried against his chest with the sheet between them.

 

            “Yes, mera nadra, I think you are pretttyty.” He whispered against the shell of her ear, his fingers brushing strands of her hair back. “If that wasn’t incessantly obvious over the past few days.”

 

            For a few quiet moments, they both laid there laughing in the warmth from the fire. His hand was smoothing over her spine so gently she thought she very well could go back to sleep.

 

            “You’re wearing the sweater.” Inej pouted as she realized his arms were coated in black cashmere.

 

            “It was chilly.” Kaz countered. “And my sweater smells like you.”

 

            “Our sweater.” Inej mumbled crossly. His chest shook in silent laughter, her smile pressed tightly against him where he would not see.

 

            “Yes, I fear you are correct, Wraith.”

 

            “What were you reading?” Inej asked.

 

            “That book you packed about the first explorers of Kerch from the Wandering Isle.”

 

            Surprise licked at Inej, warm and pleasant. He’d remembered. “How is it?”

 

            “Emilia left three bells ago and I haven’t set it down.” Kaz answered easily.

 

            “You like to read.” Inej pushed herself back slightly to look at him. His eyes glanced down to her and she didn’t understand why there was a hint of sadness there.

 

            “You should do it more. Things that you like to do.” Inej said softly, watching his face closely.

 

            “Is this another tactic to seduce me?” Kaz cracked a grin after a moment, brushing off her seriousness.

 

            She smacked his shoulder gently, huffing a laugh. “Not what I meant, though I do certainly hope I’m on the list of things you enjoy doing.”

 

            His smug grin didn’t falter but she caught his eyes going to the ceiling. Something felt off.

 

            “Tell me.” Inej asked letting her hand trace shapes over his chest.

 

            “It’s ridiculous.” Kaz replied.

 

            “Whatever it is, I’m sure it is not. Not when you look happy but you feel sad.”

 

            His eyes fell back to her with a sigh. She waited as he gathered his words, let down whatever defenses still remained after the day.

 

            “Jordie loved to read. I’ve told you that before, but he wanted to… write his own work. That’s what my brother wanted to do before he ever took over for Da, before he had to try and be a merch in the city.” Kaz paused. Inej slipped her hand under his sweater to the shirt underneath, closer to his skin. She caught his lips tilting up for only a brief flash, she waited for him to go on.

 

            “For years I didn’t read anything for enjoyment. Only to learn. Economics, trading manuals, even business language guides. Don’t misunderstand, I loved to read for those reasons, but anything that wasn’t to progress me, I didn’t go near. No novels. No history books. Nothing like that.” Kaz hummed, a turning point spinning behind his eyes that Inej wanted to glimpse for herself.

 

            “It wasn’t until you left Ketterdam for your first voyage that I nicked a book about piracy history from the library on my way back to the Slat after leaving the club one night.” Kaz’s ears tinged pink and Inej continued to rub over his chest, his stomach. Her insides warmed, a spirit singing in awareness as to why he chose that particular book.

 

            “It was before I got your letter… when I wasn’t sure you’d come back. I read the entire thing, cover to cover on the attic windowsill. I didn’t sleep but I felt less caged than I had in months…

 

            “Since before you left.” Kaz continued. Her eyes hadn’t left his profile as he gazed up at the ceiling, the gentle brush of aspen branches beyond the window steered his eyes back in her direction.

 

            “It felt like a piece of you and Jordie both came back to me, I guess. Reading about things just for fun. Maybe a piece of me, too.” Kaz finished, his words softer on the ends, an admission on a spoon rather than a knife.

 

            His eyes met hers and she smiled. “I stand by it. You should do these things for yourself more, Kaz.”

 

            Slowly, his head moved in a nod. “There’s just always something on the horizon for us to chase.” He murmured, his hand moved to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. She could sense words in the air that he was struggling to voice.

 

            “What Emilia said about our apartment… I want to unpack it with you. I don’t want you to get tired of waiting for me.” Kaz whispered. A soft sort of sadness crept up Inej’s throat.

 

            “We were just jesting, mera chaar. It’s my voyage on the horizon now, remember?”

 

            “I know. But before it was Pekka and the Dime Lions’ territory. When we go back, I have no idea how the barrel will have fared the transfer of power. Anika is probably ready to kill me herself and there’s the Club and Jesper’s taken care of it for weeks and I need to go through the numbers to sort out the High Wire expenses and wages and…”

 

            Inej placed a finger against his lips.

 

            “It will all happen, Kaz. None of our worries will be eased tonight. My ship is in the Harbor and your pigeons are squawking on the board walk two hundred miles away. We will handle it when we can. I won’t unpack our home without you.” Inej whispered, his eyes flickering to the finger against his lips and back to her eyes. She lowered her hand when she knew her words had sunk in.

 

            “What furniture do you want?” Kaz asked then instead. She smiled as she laid her head against his shoulder. She knew he meant for their flat in the Wire.

 

            “A sofa for in front of the fireplace, where you can raise your leg and I can be lazy with cups of tea.”

 

            “Color?”

 

            “Black.” They said in unison, laughing. “But I want to ask Mama for colorful cushions, like the ones in the lobby you bought. But I want her and Nani to make them. I’ll want some for here, too. You know, just like the ones in our caravan?”

 

            She felt Kaz nod. His head rested against hers as they both watched shadows dance from the fireplace across the ceiling, little performers of cinder and smoke.

 

            “I want a small desk for the wall by the window.” Kaz said then.

 

            “Why? You have a lift to your office now.” She huffed.

 

            “Because you like to sit in the window, and I like to sit at a desk.”

 

            She grinned a private thing, memories splashing across her mind like watercolor on parchment. His dark shrouds and her sunny hues mixing into golds and grays.

 

            “A proper dresser and mirror.” She added.

 

            “Done. A table but with only two chairs to dissuade Wylan and Jesper from becoming lazy hosts for our… gatherings.” He grimaced.

 

            “Family meals.” Inej quipped and she knew he rolled his eyes.

 

            “I want a coat rack.” Inej continued.

 

            “Alright, not just hooks?” Kaz asked.

 

            “No, the kerch have coat racks. I want a coat rack.” Inej giggled at herself, what an odd thing to have acquired a taste for in her time in Ketterdam. A piece of gangly furniture that resembled a sapling.

 

            “Alright, Inej the Kerch woman.” Kaz pressed a kiss into her hair, raspy chuckles following his words.

 

            “Hey, you asked me to marry you. I’m going to be Kerch soon.” Inej poked a finger into his side where she knew he was ticklish. He laughed a delighted, smug thing. She felt his arm shift to wrap around her, bringing her closer into his side. She detangled one bare leg from the sheets to drape over his thigh.

 

            “And for here, I want a wind chime for the porch.” Inej said in a whisper. She caught Kaz’s throat bobbing in a swallow.

 

            “I’d like that.” He said quietly. Inej thought now might be the time to ask him.

 

            “How did… how did today go, with Emilia? Did she explain why it took her so long to come back to Kerch?” Inej whispered up to him. His chest lifted in a deep breath. For a moment, he didn’t speak. She pulled away to look at him and what she saw was not what she expected.

 

            His eyes were red rimmed, glassy and glowing despite their darkness.

 

            “She… Inej, what she told me… I didn’t think stories like that came from anywhere but the Barrel.” He rasped. Something echoed in his words, despairing and violent all at once.

 

            Inej sucked in a breath. She knew… Emilia had said that night at her cottage that her husband had… he’d been abusive. She’d killed him. Inej had also known it had to have been the bare bones of the story.

 

            “It’s… fuck, Inej. I want to kill that bastard all over again. I want to fucking torture him.” Kaz was shaking beside her.

 

            Emilia had become protected. Inej recognized it clear as day. Kaz did not care for many, but once he did, it was without hesitation. Without conscience or remorse. Kaz was loyal, through and through. His aunt’s name had been added to his small list.

 

            “Like Pekka.” Inej replied.

 

            “Like Tante.” He rasped.

 

            Inej shuddered. It was all he needed to say and they both knew it. All at once, Inej was glad of Emilia’s murdering hands. Glad she’d taken that for herself. Proud, despite how little they knew of one another.

 

            It was not Kaz’s story to tell, but Inej wondered if she and Emilia might just have more in common than she had imagined.

 

            “She was there, ‘Nej.” Kaz whispered suddenly. She propped herself up to look at him.

 

            “She was in Ketterdam when we held the auction for Kuwei’s contract. She barely got out of the city before the plague sirens began.”

 

            Shock pummeled Inej’s gut, fierce and unrelenting.

 

            “She was there.” Inej repeated dumbly, tucking strands of knotted hair behind her ears. What could have happened, all the way back then? Nothing. Inej understood it as much as Kaz did.

 

            “I’m glad I didn’t meet her then.” Kaz rasped. Inej looked at him. She noted the way his lips were pressed into an angry line, shame coating the ticking muscle in his jaw. The harsh set of his shoulders despite his casual position.

 

            “I think I understand.” Inej said gently.

 

She too had felt shame for having the thought that she was glad she’d not reunited with her parents right after she’d left the Menagerie. She’d been angry, broken, lost. But when she’d met with them on the docks, Kaz only steps behind her… the time had felt right. It had felt like grace from the Saints, showering down over her shoulders between her parents’ loving arms.

 

“I like her.” Inej added after a long moment of his silence. She knew he was twisting his life through his fingers, trying to find the holes and matching up stray threads. He had that look in his eye, the one he always had when he tried to decipher how he might have ended up here in this moment.

 

For Inej, the answer was found in her faith.

 

For Kaz, it was an equation on the black board of the sky. It was dates and times spelled out in dull, stardust chalk, only to be erased and rewritten time and time again.

 

“I do, too.” Kaz’s voice drifted like smoke through the room, quiet enough that she was certain he only intended for a wraith like her to hear.

 

Inej didn’t need to ask if Kaz had told Emilia about his life. He’d told her he was going to, and when Kaz set his mind to something, she knew he’d follow through. She also knew he’d not wished for her to hide her maps, their work, the moment Emilia step foot back into the house. It was a thread of trust that Kaz was weaving, slowly but surely. It was still faster than Inej had ever seen him trust anyone, even her own parents.

 

“She’s funny, like you.” Inej smiled.

 

“I’m not funny.” Kaz turned his head to her, some of the tension leaving his brow.

 

“Yes, you are.” Inej stood her ground. Kaz made her laugh more than anyone else in the world, rivaled only by Jesper and Khalid. Nina.

 

“Name a joke I’ve told.” Kaz smirked.

 

“You don’t tell jokes.” Inej rolled her eyes.

 

“Exactly.”

 

“You’re being difficult.”

 

“If we’re pointing out obvious things, then your sheet is slipping.” Kaz’s eyes dripped down to her chest pointedly. She choked on a surprised laugh.

 

“Fix it then.” She challenged with a lifted brow.

 

“Not inclined.” Kaz shook his head briskly, his grin widening. “Remember, I find you pretttyty.” He slurred the words in a mock of her.

 

Inej lost in her fight against the laughter bubbling in her throat. “See! Funny!” She pointed as he shifted on the bed, his arms wrapping around her and pulling her close.

 

“Drink some more water.” Kaz whispered to her.

 

“Why?” She choked out.

 

“You’re going to need it.” His lips grazed the shell of her ear.

 

Oh. Inej felt warmth simmer against her cheeks.

 

“It’s that laugh. Gets me every time.” He kissed her neck. “Every. Damn. Time.”

Notes:

Socials!:

Tiktok, tumblr, kofi: @ravenyenn19

If I order a slice of fluff for the table, would you guys have some?

Chapter 149: Boldly Bargaining

Summary:

A little more peace, and some terrible negotiating.

Notes:

CHAPTER 149!!!!!

HI HELLO EVERYONE. OH HOW I HAVE MISSED YOU. I HAVE. SO MUCH. You don't even know. I thought about you humans, my lovely readers, every single day whilst I've been away.

I know this is the second hiatus I've taken this year, & I know that both were abrupt. This one more so than the last, though at least less time. I'm still aware that a month is a very long time in between updates. I am sorry. I wish I could give you a reason beyond the fact that life got in the way. Mostly my own mind, but also the amount of hours I have in a day. I do work over full time on top of working on both my fics and novel. I don't make a living from my writing, but maybe someday I will be able to (my dream). But for now, my time has been extremely limited & has led to a lot of anxiety and depression welling up in me, too. I've realized how crucial a creative outlet is for me and my mental health, though. This past month, I continued to write but it broke my heart that I never felt up to editing or uploading. Never felt up to filming my tiktoks or creating my tumblr posts. Just interacting with you guys in general. I'm sorry I've been so absent, but I also am not, if that makes sense. I had to take time away to survive the regular chaos that is being a young person trying to scratch it together in the real world. <3 I'll be okay. Gotta keep going if I ever want to be an author, right? There's still stories to tell.

Anyways, this is an entirely self indulgent, fluffy and smutty chapter. Please forgive if the quality is not as high as I usually try and maintain, i'm a little rusty on my editing and low on time. <3

I love you. I love you. I know I've said it a million times, but I hope these words can be my action to show it. I can't wait for what is to come. Some of this story has been patiently waiting for nearly 700k words, and the time is quickly approaching. I promise there's still a whole dang plot in this bad boi. *slaps roof of dwod*

Thank you for being here. If you read all of this rambling, you are in fact a star. I don't make the rules. Thanks for letting me write all the mess out and thanks for reading what I write. It has literally saved my life, knowing I have people who look forward to something I write, to words I weave together. That is surely magic in this mundane world. <3

HI PLEASE COME LET ME KNOW YOU ARE STILL HERE IN THE COMMENTS??? I MISS YOU SO SO SO SO SO MUCH. I'm also just a wee author who could use some positive reinforcement on the writing front? <3 Thankies. Love & affection to all of you.

"Dress" by Taylor Swift (DUH YOU GET IT)

***** Warning! There is mentions of spicy related things throughout this chapter, though there is a cut before any actual spice begins! (you’ll get it!) There is actually pretty much no touching whatsoever just mentions before the cut (just for anyone who might need a warning<333) Don’t worry you can skip the spicy bit at the end if you need! You won’t miss any crucial story!*****

 

KAZ

 

            “Fuck.” Kaz growled as he pulled away from Inej. Naked Inej. Naked, flushed Inej. Naked, flushed and laughing Inej.

 

All of his favorite fucking combinations.

 

            “What?” She frowned as he sat up in the bed.

 

            “I need to take my tonic. Emilia was here this morning and I… well. It was not the type of conversation to pause for medicinal purposes.” Kaz ran a frustrated hand over his face as he swung his legs over the side of the bed and marched resolutely to his bag in the corner to dig out the vial.

 

            “I understand.”

 

            He heard Inej’s devious giggle as he limped angrily out of the room to go refill the water jar. His body ached in protest. It was absolutely insane, and he couldn’t be bothered to mind one bit.

 

            A few moments later, Kaz was putting the drops into a fresh cup of water in the dark kitchen. He inspected the label. Thirty minutes. Thirty minutes until he could lose control with Inej upstairs.

 

            How was this his life?

 

            How in the fuck was he craving her skin all over his, this fiercely? It was stronger than it had ever been, before they’d crossed this final boundary. It was something in an entirely different bracket than desire. He felt desperate. Needy.

 

            As Kaz swallowed the water and contraceptive mixture, he wondered if it was because of the emotional turmoil of the day.

 

No, that wasn’t quite right.

 

Kaz knew it was because of the years they’d had to wait. The years they’d spent eyeing one another from between prison bars of silk and flesh.

 

The years he’d fucking dreamed of just being able to take her face in his hands and kiss her until his skin felt clean again. Until he forgot the title ‘Dirtyhands’.

 

            The day had only magnified the reality that they’d crossed this boundary. They’d spent all day apart instead of entangled and now Kaz’s whole body was being pulled toward Inej by lustful strings. Kaz was not so dim to believe that they’d never have nights where this sort of intimacy was impossible for one or both of them again. He knew that demons slain didn’t mean true death to the traumatic pasts they both harbored. It also meant that Kaz was not about to waste the nights like this. The free nights. The burden-less sort of love and need that demanded action and nothing else but her lips against his.

 

            “How long until it works?” Inej asked as he finally limped back into the warmth of the bedroom. His pulse was bursting beneath his skin in a rapid fire as he looked over at her. The thin sheet over her body hid little from him.

 

            “Thirty minutes.” Kaz rasped as he shucked his sweater from over his head. It landed in the pile of their belongings in the corner of the room. She hummed a noncommittal noise as he sat back down on the bed, arms already pulling her back to him.

 

            “I can think of plenty of things to occupy half an hour.” Kaz whispered to her.

 

            Inej slipped from his grip, a wicked little smile on her lips when he groaned. She sat across the bed from him, sheet tucked tight across her chest. She was laughing again and he knew he must have let his dismay show on his face.

 

            “Better idea.” Inej began as she maneuvered to sit cross legged under the sheet. Kaz’s eyes were on the window behind her. The reflection of her bare back was displayed to him, the sheen of her long black hair trailing down to the little dimples in her lower spine. She caught him looking with an arched brow.

 

            “What?” Kaz asked, mouth dry despite having just drunk water faster than he’d known possible.

 

            “Thirty minutes from now, you may touch. Check the time.” Inej smirked.

 

            Oh no. She was dangerous.

 

            He marked the minute on his time piece anyhow before setting it propped up against the hurricane lamp on the bedside table. Twenty-nine minutes. He didn’t like that.

 

            “Until then?” Kaz asked.

 

            “Until then we are going to talk.” Inej smiled again. Red blooms began to appear on her cheeks, down her throat. He wanted to lick the path the color took.

 

            “About?” Kaz’s eyes followed that flush to the tidy little line her cleavage carved above the sheet.

 

            “Anything, really.” Inej smirked.

 

            “And I’m not allowed to touch you until then?” Kaz hadn’t expected his voice to crack. Thirty minutes was nothing. Nothing at all. He’d only just made love to Inej for the first time twenty-four bells ago. He’d wanted to have this life with her for years. Years.

 

            And yet. Thirty minutes?

 

            “No.” Inej purred, all poise and decorum. He was going to burn the clock.

 

            “Technically I took the tonic five minutes ago. So… twenty-four minutes?” Kaz asked.

 

            “Every time you try and bargain with me, I’m adding five minutes.” Inej waved her fingers at him. All five.

 

            “Inej.” He said lowly, gravel shaking loose in his vocal chords. It was a warning, a plead, a prayer.

 

            “Kaz.” She replied cheerfully.

 

            She was enjoying the hell out of this.

 

            “I’ll even start the conversation,” She said melodically. He could still see the clear expanse of her spine in the window when she shifted a strand of hair over her shoulder. He latched his eyes on the image and imagined kissing his way up it. What noises she might make. What shivers he might coax from her.

 

            “Am I being punished?” Kaz croaked, interrupting.

 

            “No,” Inej lifted a confused brow, her lips slanted downward for a flash of a second. “Why would you think that?”

 

            “I’m fairly certain it’s obvious, love.” Kaz shifted himself, trying to find a comfortable position when every last fucking drop of his blood, and resolve, had decided to travel south.

 

            “Oh, that is obvious,” She paused pointedly. “But this is most certainly not a punishment.” Inej’s eyes glistened, amusement hung onto the corners of her mouth in delightful little lines. She winked at him and his heart launched to his throat.

 

            Two years in, officially, and he still couldn’t comprehend that Inej Ghafa looked at him like that.

 

            “Then what is it?” Another glance at the reflection in the window, just for good measure.

 

            “A game. All good things come to those who wait.” Inej smiled like the clever woman she was.

 

            Fucking smile. The smile did him in.Was he any better than the average man, now? Was he truly so desperate for her that he couldn’t give in to her game? No.

 

No, he was Kaz Brekker.

 

            The thought clanged around in his skull, a bullet stuck in an iron chamber. Inej was offering him a challenge, and since when had he turned down one of those? Never.

 

            Kaz plucked up his pride by the neck and shoved it back in place.  

 

            Maybe it would be fun, even if the skin on his chest felt a little scratchy. Too tight. Even if it was uncomfortable, not being able to simply reach out to hold her hand for the first time in months.

 

             He smirked right back at his dangerous girl. He could play, too.

 

            Maybe, she’d even let him win. He hoped not.

 

 

           

INEJ

 

            A shiver ran down Inej’s spine as he cocked his head at her, lips crooked and mischievous.

 

            What had she just done? A switch had flipped.

 

            “Alright, darling. I’ll bite. Or rather, I’ll save the bites for twenty-six minutes from now.”

 

            Inej gulped, an entire hurricane of butterflies swarmed in her belly. She had thought, when Kaz pulled away from her to take the tonic, she thought she might… She felt confidant. Bold. She’d… well, Inej had always wondered if she might be brave enough to take control, specifically in this setting. With Kaz, it turns out she was bolder than she’d even imagined.

 

            With Kaz, she was safe. Respected. Protected and treasured in equal measure.

 

            She was free to be as dangerous as her knives and as soft as geraniums, two offerings the man before her, her avri, had given in spades.

 

            What Inej had not expected was how much she had wanted him to push back. To… follow her lead and also pull on her reins, just a little bit. He was still Kaz Brekker, after all. She may be able to tempt him to his knees, but not a soul could keep him there.Inej would not have him any other way.

 

            Kaz made a languid gesture with his wrist, an invitation for her to speak. His every feature dripped amusement, tempered behind the coolness of a predator. Yet, the softness in his eyes remained, tempting her to reach out and break her own rules of a game she’d designed.

 

            She would not.

 

            Even if she’d all but forgotten the talking points she’d come up with before he’d reentered the room.

 

            “Swallow your tongue, Inej?” Kaz asked, his voice deep like in the mornings.

 

            “No.” Inej almost squeaked when he ran a hand through his hair. His brow lifted. She heard his silent words. I don’t believe you. She twisted her engagement ring around her finger with a swallow.

 

            “A truth for a truth, but questions asked instead of selected.” Inej laid out an idea, not so different from their usual game.

 

            “Alright. I’ll go first.” Kaz said. He tilted his chin in a mimicry of deep thought. He tapped a finger against his thigh. She didn’t allow her eyes to appraise any more of him.

 

            His eagerness created goosebumps on her arms. She’d challenged him, and hadn’t she’d known he would rise to meet it?

 

            “What made you decide to wait these thirty minutes when I could have absolutely coaxed at least one climax from you by now?” Kaz rasped.

 

            Inej’s eyes widened. His mouth twitched upward. He knew he’d caught her off guard.

 

            It was forward. His smirk highlighted his confidence, just as it had so many bells ago in the bathroom. Kaz Brekker, confidence man. Kaz Rietveld, understudy to the confidence man, apparently.

 

            Let’s play, Kaz.

 

            “Only one?” She jutted her lip, watched as his eyes narrowed on her mouth.

 

            “Let’s find out.” Kaz grinned, all teeth and fire. He was clearly not put out by her careful dancing away from his question.

 

            “No. Add five minutes.” Inej shook her head. He bit on his cheek as he noted the time, the only sign he gave to his disappointment.

 

            “Answer my question, Inej.” He watched her again. What answer could she give? She’d wanted to play with his fire? Test his resolve? Test her own?

 

            None of them were exactly true.

 

            She’d wanted to tease him. She’d wanted to stretch the night out, let the embers in her stomach raise themselves into an inferno before he even touched her skin.

 

            She’d… she’d wanted to build it all up and burn it down with him.

 

            “Because I can.” Inej smirked. “Can you wait?”

 

            His eyebrow rose again, a sinister look that hinted at near true offense.

 

            “I’ve waited five years for you, Inej. I’ll wait as many more minutes as it takes. Minutes, days, years. It’s all the same to me, as long as it ends with my hands on your skin and your voice shaking with my name.”

 

            Inej’s belly swooped low, caught on a gale of lust. Saints, were these the words he thought but did not share when they weren’t playing a game of truths? She tried not to shift her legs. She regretted sitting cross legged. There was not nearly enough opportunity for friction.

 

            “Does that mean I don’t want to burn the clock? No. I want to burn it and crawl to you.”

 

            Inej swallowed for the umpteenth time. Her skin was surely sizzling.  

 

            “Your turn.” He rasped, smug and satisfied.

 

            “Why aren’t you burning the clock?” She whispered before she could stop the forfeiting words from escaping.

 

            “Because you told me not to.” He answered without hesitation. “You say ‘no’ and I say ‘alright’. There is no other way this will ever go.”

 

            “And if I changed my mind?”

 

            “Then I will hold you to your word anyways.” He answered, both playful and serious. Kaz liked deals, and she’d already laid one out for him. He’d picked up the pen and signed, now she was bound by her word, as good as a signature written with the blood that fueled the flush in her cheeks.

 

            Damn him. Damn him and his obligation to meet challenge like a bull with a bloody target. She’d known he’d not let her go back, even if she wondered why on earth she’d thought this experience would prove exhilarating.

 

            “What are you thinking?” Kaz asked his own question now, eyes glancing at the clock for only a split second. He thrummed his fingers against his thigh.

 

            “That I am foolish and reckless and regret my choices in the past ten minutes.”

 

            He laughed, the sound jagged and warm. It was like a shot of whiskey, she gulped it down.

 

            “No, darling. You are cunning and tenacious. You’re making me dust off my bargaining skills.”

 

            “Yet you aren’t bargaining?”

 

            “Not yet. But I will be if you don’t stop biting your lip.”

 

            She let her lip loose from her teeth. His shark eyes didn’t miss the movement. She saw him take a deep and silent breath.

 

            “Try to bargain with me.” She said then, more a question than a demand. A thrill swept up her middle. That would be better than questions. This… outwitting Kaz Brekker in negotiations… that would be something.

 

            She’d seen Kaz bargain more times than she could possibly count. If she could not go back on her word, perhaps this… this would be worth it. Let them find out if she’d learned anything from observing a thousand parlays from cold rooftops and vents in ceilings.

 

            Perhaps it would also make the time go faster. Faster was good. Faster meant his mouth on hers.

 

            “You won’t fold? You just tried to change your mind.” Kaz hummed. She tracked the hand he lifted to push his hair back. The fire sputtered as he stood from the bed to toss another log in.

 

            “On my honor. Bargain with me, Dirtyhands. Sway me into cracking.” Inej purred and returned his crooked smile with one of her own. She folded her hands in her lap, a picture of business despite wearing only the sheer sheet tucked under her arms.

 

             Kaz’s head tilted at the title. She began to reel in her line. She’d caught his attention. He limped back toward the bed and settled into his previous spot. She tried not to notice the clear line in his sleep pants. Desperately tried not to track her eyes down the line of black hair on his abdomen that disappeared beneath his waist band. She failed.

 

            “I can’t make a promise on my honor, but I’ll swear the same on all my kruge.” Kaz answered.

 

            “You should put a shirt on.” Inej said then, eyes still locked on his chest.

 

            Kaz clicked his tongue, a finger raised. “No. You’re in a sheet, I stay the way I am.”

 

            Inej huffed a tiny breath when she saw the victory in his eyes. Cheeky bastard.

 

            “I’ll put on clothes if you turn away.” Inej tried.

 

            “Rejected. The obtaining of clothing adds to your timer.”

 

            “My timer?” Inej raised an incredulous brow.

 

            “Your timer.” Kaz confirmed with a brisk nod. She didn’t know when he’d found his coin, but there it was, bouncing over his pale knuckles in flashes of glittering copper.

 

            “What timer do I have? You still have twenty-four minutes on yours because of your previous plea against the time limitations of the game.”

 

            “And you have thirty-eight on the one I mentally marked.”

 

            “Thirty-eight minutes until what?” Inej huffed. His eyes narrowed on her.

 

            “Thirty-eight until I even consider taking you over the edge. Which, by my count, will mean I’ll have been touching you for fourteen minutes at that point, plenty of time for a little vengeance, mera nadra.” Kaz snickered.

 

            Inej’s mouth parted. He’d schemed right back at her. Heat lowered in her belly. Devious, beautiful, wicked. All of the things he was, she loved him for.

 

            “Fine. No additional clothes.” Inej retorted. He shifted one ankle over the other. Something about the movement was only smug. She rolled her eyes when he turned to check the time.

 

            “So, the terms. I’m arguing to convince you to ask me to touch you before my clock runs down. You are to maintain your stance at all costs. But what exactly is your arguing point?” Kaz rasped. It was the voice he used in the Barrel. All business. She damn near shivered.

 

            “For you to forgive my timer entirely.”

 

            Kaz nodded slowly. “Alright.”

 

            “I’ll give you no quarter, my love.” Inej smiled as sweetly as she could.

 

            Kaz wet his lips. Glanced at the time piece on the bedside table.

 

            “There are no limits to our methods of argument? Beyond no touching?”

 

            Inej shook her head, knowing full well that she’d regret it. Goosebumps raised on her arms.

 

            “We’ve not set the prize for the victor.” Inej added.

 

            Kaz’s lips thinned, confusion flitted over his face.

 

            “I thought we both sought the same thing, only in different time parameters.”

 

            The same thing, many times over, Inej thought wildly.

 

            “We do.” Inej grinned. She moved quickly, but slow enough that he saw her coming. He knew she would not touch him. To touch would be to lose the game. The parlay was at stake.

 

            Suddenly, Inej was eager to win. How had she almost caved when she had this brilliant opportunity to out scheme Kaz Brekker? To hold him at her mercy without even a blade to be found?

 

            She was next to him now, her sheet barely clinging over her chest. His breath halted when she leaned into his ear, close enough that her lips were only a hairsbreadth away from what she very well knew to be sensitive skin.  

 

            “The prize is the loser’s choice. But I already know what I’ll chose for you… I’ll give you a hint.” Then, Inej moaned right in his ear, no louder than a whisper. She’d let him decide what it meant.

 

            His jaw clicked when she settled back down on her side of the bed in her previous spot.

 

            Shouldn’t have taught me to be a dirty negotiator, Kaz.

 

            “Those are extremely enticing terms.” Kaz mumbled. He looked damn near bewildered, and Inej could not help but snicker.

 

            “We never decided on who has first stage. Me or you?” Kaz adjusted his legs. She’d affected him, she could see his arousal clearly against his sleep pants. Her confidence swelled, burning bright and hot in the center of her chest.

 

            “I’ll allow you to present opening arguments.” Inej shrugged coyly. It was a tactic she’d learned from Kaz long ago, watching him negotiate with the other gangs. Using words like “allow” or “permit” left the other party feeling indebted subconsciously, inferior.

 

            Kaz glanced at her. A moment passed as his eyes trickled down over her neck, her collar bones.

 

            “Very well, Captain.” Kaz whispered, a smile trying it’s best to escape the harsh line of his lips.

 

            “Do you remember what I first told you about bargaining with someone who has exactly as much to gain as yourself in a victorious outcome of a negotiation on their end?” Kaz rasped as he stood, limping slightly. He paced in front of the bed.

 

            His silhouette was a blurred ink stain against the wall, cold and ghostly in contrast to the fire she saw burning in his black eyes.

 

            Inej sorted through the memories she had of some of her first lessons with Kaz in the Barrel. There were a hundred little notes she’d filed away for her time as the Wraith. She plucked one out of the depths of her mind, a foggy afternoon on West Stave, walking beside Kaz as he doled out information she had barely begun to understand. It was the eve of only the second parlay she was ever to witness, still barely three months out of the Menagerie.

 

            “You said that you have to make losing look more appealing. Balance the scales.” Inej said slowly.

 

            “That was the first part.” Kaz nodded. “In order to get someone to walk happily to noose, they have to instead visualize a scale. One they have to stand on to gain equilibrium with you.”

 

            Inej shivered. Noose. She shook her head of the thought. For a moment, Kaz paused, his eyes sliding to the scar around her neck.

 

            She moved her head to capture his attention, and with only a look, told him to resume. She’d known he’d paused the game entirely, for that single second. She would not be afraid of a word for the rest of her life.

 

            She’d lived through her hanging. Nooses should fear her.

 

            Kaz stretched his hands toward the fire in the hearth, his back to her. He began to pace again, stopped at the clock, picked it up, tossed it up in the air once before catching it and setting it back to the table.

 

            “I’m waiting, Kaz Brekker.” Inej smirked.

 

            “So am I, darling. I don’t wish to forgive your timer, and at this point, mine is much shorter.”

 

            Inej squinted at him. He grinned.

 

            “You should have been more clear in the terms of our deal. I’m not obligated to allow any amount of time for you to argue your point. I simply have to wait you out, and I’ll be the victor.”

 

            Inej choked on a laugh.

 

            “Then this is not a parlay at all and you will not touch me tonight.” Inej replied. His jaw tightened. Later, she’d realize it was then that his breathing changed, just slightly.

 

            “If you will not give me a chance to argue, or in contrast, argue your own point fairly, we will settle this the Barrel way.” Inej smirked when his steps faltered. “War.”

 

            “Inej.” He cautioned lowly, a groan that was near a whisper.

 

            “Fight with me!” Inej tossed a pillow square at his chest.

 

            He caught it, of course.

 

            “I even gave you an opportunity to take first blood!” Inej giggled.

 

            Kaz’s eyes shut as he took a deep breath. “Request for no more Barrel terminology to be used by you.”

 

            “Why?” Inej smiled.

 

            “Because I’m going to lose my fucking mind if I hear any more of it from you and I can’t touch you. It’s like a nightmare I’ve lived for five years.” Something in Kaz’s voice was wrong. Like the very first screeching grind of a gear that needed oiling.

 

He tensed immediately. Inej understood then that he had not meant to speak so honestly. The air around them changed, like a stage curtain pulled back to reveal a mess of props.

 

            Inej softened instantly, despite his small smile as he toyed with the frayed edge of the pillow still in his hands.

 

            “Kaz.” Inej said gently, his eyes followed the pillow as he tossed it back to the bed.

 

            “I’m coming up with arguments. My parlay skills are rusty.” Kaz cleared his throat, limping back toward the fire.

 

            “Kaz.” She insisted.

 

            “I’m fine,” Kaz shook his head, but his back was to her again. He was trying desperately to conceal something from her, she could read it. It was the ripple of his shoulder blades under a tiny wince from the call of his name. It was obvious in the way his graceful fingers ran through his hair, once. Twice.

 

            Inej crept to the end of the bed, closer to him.

 

            “Kaz, look at me.” Inej said.

 

            He did, this time. His eyes were still bright, happy even. Yet, there lurking beneath the surface, was something that resembled fear. A tentativeness that hadn’t been there only moments ago as they’d laughed and he’d strutted his negotiating knowledge for her.

 

            Inej didn’t like it. Kaz knew she’d seen it in him, his lashes fluttered in a stoic blink. An exasperated breath came quickly behind.

 

            “Tell me what happened, mera chaar.”

 

            “Nothing happened.” Kaz rolled his eyes, his torso straightened in defense. “I’m just running down the clock, I’m surprised you don’t know me better.”

 

            Now it was Inej’s turn for frustration. She grimaced at his words.

 

His lips could spin words like a spider spun fine silk, but the texture of his eyes never lied to her. She knew when he was being coy, calculating. She knew when his eyes truly hardened and when he was falsifying emotion for personal gain. What she had just seen had been none of those things.

 

“The clock is paused.” Inej glared at his profile. She saw his hesitation. She watched a long moment unfold, a battle inside him. Finally, he conceded to telling her the truth. He turned his face toward her and back again to the flames. His chest raised on a deep breath.

 

“It’s fun negotiating with you…” Kaz glared at the fire, words trailing off like the small puffs of smoke from the hearth.

 

“But?” Inej hedged.

 

“But… I don’t… It’s not… I want to…” Kaz opened his mouth and began thrice over, shutting the words down each time. She saw him fiddle with the coin in his palm again.

 

“You aren’t actually having fun with it.” Inej said for him, her heart clenching. Had she miss-stepped? He’d seemed so eager for the challenge only moments ago. Bold. Confidant.

 

Something had changed quickly and quietly.

 

“No, it’s not that. I fucking love that you challenge me.” Kaz mumbled roughly with a shake of his head. “It’s just… I… I don’t like feeling like I can’t reach for your hand anymore. Even just for a while. It’s… my mind. My mind is telling me it’s permanent. Permanent again.”

 

Oh. Oh…

 

“I will parlay with you for an eternity, Inej. Nothing brings me more joy than meeting my equal across a table. Fuck, this is stupid.” Kaz glared at his coin in his palm. Shame tinged his ears pink.

 

“That’s why you asked if it was a punishment, earlier.” Inej whispered. “Because… because you’re scared you won’t be able to touch me again.”

 

“It’s like if we play a game like this, what if it just… reawakens everything? What if I’m drowning again the moment I can reach out and…?”

 

It was then that Inej realized that she hadn’t taken Kaz’s feelings into consideration when she’d played with clocks and barriers and distance. To her, it had seemed bold and daring. Flirtatious, even. To Kaz… it had felt like setting time’s spindly hands back to over twenty-four bells prior, before they’d crossed these final boundaries between them.

 

Inej’s demons hadn’t seen it that way. To her it had felt truly like freedom, a man who would only follow her rules. Whilst she knew it was always that way with Kaz, he’d never touch her without consent, she’d not considered the way turning it into a game might feel to him, after all these very real years they’d spent separated by layers and inches and horror. Years she’d felt just as fully and painfully as him, but from a different perspective. Her view had been from an opposing prison of her own past.

 

“Kaz, where is your time piece?” Inej asked quietly. It wasn’t on the bedside table any more.

 

“My pocket.” He admitted, chin turned down. Kaz Brekker looking guilty, even only a little, was something she could only smile internally at.

 

He’d stolen his own watch from the table without her even noticing. She’d barely looked away from that spot in the room in the past ten minutes.

 

An incredible thief, a kinder man.

 

“What were you planning on doing with it?” Inej whispered, a smile billowing on her mouth even when he wasn’t looking.

 

“Holding it… It ticks.” Kaz mumbled. Inej quirked her head, confused.

 

He glanced up at her as he produced the brass watch from his pocket, the gold chain glimmering in the light. He swallowed.

 

“If I press my thumb to the backing, it… it reminds me of a pulse, when it ticks. If it’s warm from my pocket, it feels kind of like it’s alive.” Kaz admitted, his whisper so quiet that Inej leaned forward slightly to hear him.

 

Inej’s gut roiled. He’d stolen his own watch, not to tinker or cheat with her game, but to hold onto it. To remind him of life before he tried to touch her in earnest again. He’d been afraid it would all come back. His demons and the harbor water.

 

It was something Inej had grown accustomed to, in these two years with Kaz as lovers, avris and now fiancés. He almost always sought out her pulse, in one way or another, before anything ever moved further intimately. Often, it was the slight brush of his thumb against her wrist, or a kiss to the fluttering vein in her neck that only he could make race like horses on a prairie. Sometimes, it was even to her chest, right above her breast where he could feel the steady drum of her heartbeat.

 

“It’s ridiculous.” Kaz laughed, the sound tragic and harsh. “I’ve been able to touch you after months apart on your voyages. I don’t know why I feel like a fucking bomb right now. Like all of my progress will just go away.”

 

“Kaz.” Inej pleaded. He was limping in agitated paces before the fire.

 

“No, it’s awful, Inej. I was fine and then you… You started talking about war and the Barrel and fuck if that doesn’t do so much shit to me that I can’t even comprehend… Then I just wanted to kiss you and I realized I couldn’t and then… then I felt… I felt like I was never going to do it again. Just like that. I was scared to reach out and do it again. Because you didn’t want me to, and because I wanted to. Like we didn’t have last night. Or any of it at all.

 

“I was okay and then I realized it could come back. I could drown again.”

 

Inej’s mouth opened but he continued.

 

“I felt like I did the day you touched my face. I was seventeen-years-old and I didn’t know how to ask you to do it again because I already knew I couldn’t handle it.”

 

Inej stood from the bed then, sheet be damned. She was entirely bare for him, not even a sock in sight. He didn’t notice until she was standing in his angry path. He was going to make his knee ache if she didn’t stop his pacing.

 

Kaz’s eyes slipped down her body and back up, his breath uneven. His eyes latched onto hers. His lips were parted and his cheeks boasted a barely-there pink.

 

“I always wanted you to touch me, Kaz. There are times where my mind does not allow it, but I crave you. Back then, I craved the curve of your cheek in my palm. You were beautiful, and are even more so now. I just wanted to feel you there, real. All the way back then, I wanted to entangle our fingers, even through your gloves. I was scared, too.”

 

“It’s not easy for you either.” Kaz breathed. Inej nodded. He remembered as well as she did, the words she’d whispered in a foggy bathroom so long ago.

 

“You were afraid now because we finally have what neither of us thought possible.” Inej began, she took a step closer to him. His thumb was still pressed to the back of his watch.

 

“There is nothing that can take last night away from us. Or any of our firsts. Nothing. Not even our wounded minds. Not silent demons or rushing water. Neither of us is cured of the past. I think that is impossible. But, we have healed. We are healing. We always will be, I think.” Inej watched as he listened, she could feel her own words slipping through his walls, like kind ivy on a trellis. Creeping, slow and gentle.

 

“I was wrong not to consider you. Before you interrupt me, don’t.” She paused as his mouth clicked shut.

 

 “I was simply thinking of myself. Not selfishly, at least not intentionally. Nothing in me was afraid of not being able to touch you again because before… I was never asked for consent. I knew I still wanted you. This is a time where our problems differ, because I didn’t consider how soon it was for you… after everything we finally have. I didn’t consider it, Kaz. I feel silly, actually.” She smiled softly.

 

“Why?” Kaz asked.

 

“Because I just wanted to tease you. Because I just wanted to draw out every moment I have with you and make it fun and… bold. Bold in a way I never could have been, if I wasn’t with you.”

 

“I like you bold.” Kaz answered immediately. “I also cannot stand properly when you say you’ll negotiate with me.”

 

Inej tilted her head.

 

“It does things I’d rather show you than lament on, Wraith.” Kaz’s lips quirked, just a hint of a smirk. Her cheeks reddened. It was girlish and ridiculous. She was naked, for Saints’ sake.

 

“It was too soon.” Inej said to him.

 

“Maybe. But I don’t think… I think the parameters just didn’t work.” Kaz mumbled, eyes never leaving hers. There was barely a foot of space between them.

 

“You needed a reminder and I wasn’t able to give you one because you couldn’t touch me.” Inej confirmed.

 

“That sounds awful, doesn’t it? I won’t touch you unless you want me to… It was more…”

 

“The fact that I told you not to ask at all?” Inej questioned. His head dipped in a tiny nod. Inej did not think that communicating so openly would ever come entirely natural to Kaz, but she never would have believed he’d admit these needs to her, even just a year prior. It was a hit to his pride in his eyes, but to Inej, it was sheer treasure.

 

Their relationship was equality. Evenness in every sense, it always had been. They had both had to learn how to admit their weak spots, even if it shamed them. Even if they were both so stubborn, so incredibly prideful.

 

Inej almost laughed. Once, she’d not thought herself as such. But she was. She was as prideful and stubborn as he was, even if in different ways. Even now, she’d been too stubborn to let him get away with hiding his true feelings. His fears.

 

“Well, you don’t need to be worried, now.” Inej whispered. She glanced down, his eyes followed hers.

 

He’d not even realized when she’d begun to gently brush her fingers against his. Not even startled when she’d deftly slipped his watch back into his pocket with one hand and replaced his thumb on her bare wrist instead.

 

Kaz’s eyes widened at the sight of his own hand, naturally wrapped around her wrist, just as he’d done a thousand times before. It had been so natural to him that he’d not paid her any mind when she’d replaced his watch with her own pulse.

 

“I don’t know whether I’m terrified that you got the drop on me or ready to pull you into bed because you got the drop on me.” Kaz smiled, dimple full on display. Disbelief was intoxicating on him. Inej loved that look.

 

Inej grinned.

 

“Hasn’t it always been a little bit of both? I am dangerous, after all.”

 

“Lucky for me.” Kaz leaned into her, obliterating the space between them. He kissed her forehead, tender and gentle.

 

“What about me?” Inej looked up to him through her lashes, confidant and victorious. She may have batted her eyes, just once or twice. His gaze narrowed on her.

 

“Was my timer ever stopped?” She asked.

 

His laugh was worth it. He hurled the watch toward their bags in the corner, it landed on their clothes with a dull plop.

 

“I was never actually going to hold to it anyways.” Kaz whispered as his hands came up to cup her cheeks. She smiled when his lips crashed against hers. This time, he was firm and desperate.

 

“Proving something?” Inej grinned as his hand slid to the nape of her neck to tip her head back to him. His lips dotted her throat, small embers of hope.

 

“Yes. To myself. To you.” He rasped against her skin. His breath was fire and smoke, warm brimstone and a burn she’d welcome.

 

Inej softened against him, her body melded perfectly to the planes of him, his bare chest, the strong arms that now curved around her waist. Her breasts pressed against the top of his stomach as he curled her tighter to him. His lips wrote silent sonnets into her collar bones, her shoulders, the hollow of her throat. She understood each one intrinsically, just as he understood the pictures she drew with her hands into his bare shoulder blades.

 

Inej breathed deep in the groove between his shoulder and neck, the scent of cinnamon lingering on her tongue without even another taste. A thousand images were linked to that single sweet and bold flavor, and as he lifted her into his arms, she relished in them, eyes shut and toes off the ground.

 

There were memories of crows cawing and the jangle of coins in threadbare pockets of barrel boys. A painted memory of a smirking moon above an emerald sea of golden leaves in the heart of a gray city. A shiver against her ribcage, an echo of the first kiss he’d ever laid upon her neck.

 

Every sense alighted to him, her flesh burned hotter and her awareness brighter as his lips reclaimed hers a hundred times.

 

This was a time for burning, Inej thought. She’d be ashes in his hand and let the breeze tangle her fragments in his hair if it meant she didn’t have to leave him. If it meant she’d always find her way back home.

 

 

 

*****WARNING! TRUE SPICE AHEAD! Don’t worry you can skip this and still understand the story! <3 *****

 

 

KAZ

 

            Inej was kissing his neck, his arms, his shoulders. He didn’t quite remember finding the edge of the bed, but here she was, perched on the end with her legs notched tight around his hips. He hated the sleep pants he still wore. Those would have to go, soon.

 

            Kaz couldn’t recall his fears. He couldn’t grab hold of anything that was not Inej’s hips, her thighs, the curve of her waist. Those things, her, she was real. He was an inferno, blazing from the inside out.

 

            The noise she made when he captured her lower lip between his teeth was exactly what he imagined a strong dose of jurda parem must feel like to a grisha.  

 

            He wanted to savor her, slow and precise.

 

He needed to have her, fast and desperate and right now.

 

All he could focus on was the way Inej’s tongue moved against his, how her naked form fit perfectly in the circle of his arms.

 

Kaz felt her hand move between them, right to his cock. Her hand stroked him from root to tip through the thin fabric of his pants and his knees almost gave out. All day he’d needed Inej, and instead he’d been with Emilia, Lily. All night he’d needed Inej. He couldn’t wait anymore.

 

He was going to lose his mind for her, and he could not imagine a more invigorating descent into blissful insanity.

 

Kaz tried to grasp words as Inej’s mouth worked along his throat, little noises of appreciation humming against his skin. Her hand moved on his erection again.

 

Inej pulled away from him, only long enough to hook her thumbs into the waist band of his sleep pants. He helped her push the fabric down without a single hesitation. Her lips were on his again, and his hands slipped under her ass on the mattress, pulling her right to the edge of the bed. Her yelp was liquid heat in his throat, smoother than any vintage bottle he’d had the pleasure of drinking.

 

Inej’s legs were already locking back around him, parted just enough to give him access to her. His hands tugged on her hips as gently as he could to position her. Her kisses were steam and heat against him, perfect.

 

“Please, Kaz.” She whimpered to him when he began to pull back. He’d still planned to ask her. His entire spine lit up in excited sparks. His name from her mouth, low and husky, was Saints’-damned perfect.

 

They were lucky this bed was appropriate height. Kaz thanked her saints and the old tenants who had left the wooden frame behind.

 

“’Nej.” He groaned as he tugged her closer still, until he could feel the smooth skin of her inner thighs against his length. It was pure, gorgeous agony.

 

“Inside, now.” Inej’s voice ghosted his mouth as her fingers wound into his hair. He lined himself up to her as quickly as possible. He still wanted to taste her, make her crumble. Later. Everything that was not this union had to wait until later.

Kaz thrust into her in one swift movement and swallowed her pleased gasp. Her hands were knotting in his hair, her ankles crossed tight across his lower back. She wasn’t letting him go anywhere. His own kisses were bestowed between ragged breaths.

 

He could feel all of her now. The feeling was not something he was convinced he’d ever become used to. It was as if their bodies were crafted for one another, forged for this ecstasy. His hips began to move, restraint coating each thrust. He didn’t want it to be over before he could give her what she needed.

 

This was not like the two previous times he’d made love to Inej. There was a difference, as it turned out, between making love and fucking. Kaz was learning quickly.

 

The first was slow, needy, and warm.

 

The second was burning, fast, and reckless.

 

This was the second.

 

Inej moaned against his throat as he took her, trying his best to keep his desperate hands gentle on her hips.

 

“What do you need?” He gasped, pleasure already reaching its peak in the base of his spine. He couldn’t hold back.

 

“Right there,” Inej shimmied in his arms. He adjusted his angle and worked harder the moment her lips parted on a surprised “oh”.

 

Found it.

 

“Kaz, Kaz, Kaz,” Inej panted his name as the wood creaked slightly beneath her. Her face was buried against his chest, her breath hot on his skin. He knew she was close, he could feel how her body tightened for him.

 

It was obscene that this was in fact his life. The only noise in the room was the creak of the bed and the sounds of their mingled breaths and joining bodies. Inej’s head tipped back and her spine arched when he thrust harder, giving him a view of her breasts that nearly sent him right over the cliff.

 

“Kaz,” Inej’s legs tightened around him and he felt her walls flutter.

 

Satisfaction coated him when she went spiraling head long toward bliss.

 

He followed her, as close to her as he could possibly get. As deep as he could go.

 

He was boneless, leaning into her on the bed, barely staying standing. He was shaking and sated and knew he would need her again, as soon as his body allowed it. He made no move to pull out of her.

 

Inej laughed breathlessly against his shoulder. Sweat coated them both and still, Kaz did not find fear in his arsenal.

 

“What?” Kaz asked in the wake of her giggle.

 

“I didn’t… I didn’t know that was possible, from only…”

 

Kaz smirked against her. He knew exactly what she meant.

 

“You’re welcome.”

 

“Cheeky bastard.” Inej mumbled.

 

“You’re not complaining.” Kaz retorted.

 

“This is going to be a mess.” Inej whispered.

 

Kaz shrugged, a private grin still lurking on his mouth. It was something very primal that enjoyed the fact that he’d made a mess of her. Only him. Only her.

 

“I think we cracked the bed.” Inej whispered.

 

Kaz glanced over her shoulder toward the ground on the other side of the bed. Sure enough, a wide splinter of wood was there, evidence of their evening.

 

“I can do better.” Kaz mumbled.

 

Inej shook in laughter against his chest. He lifted his chin to press a kiss into the crown of her head.

 

Tomorrow would be here soon, with aunts and voyages and cities and problems. Until then… Kaz Rietveld had other plans.

 

Notes:

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Come say hello? <3

 

Yes, this was entirely self indulgent fluff and spice. Sue me. (Once again plz forgive if the quality was not as good<3?)
Enjoy the 7k of peace, dear readers. It's about to get crazy. No mourners.

Chapter 150: Changing Tides

Summary:

The real work begins.

Notes:

Chapter 150!!!!!!

ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY!!! A MILESTONE!!! <33 Thank you for being here, guys. Seriously. I'll try and keep this authors note short and sweet for once. Anyways, this one is a little dense, and maybe a tad hard to follow without the next few chaps but stay with me!!!! I promise I know what I'm doing!!!! I hope you love it... we're going places, y'all. Scary and big places. <3 Can't wait.

Thank you as always, my loves. You mean the world to me.

PLEASE COME TALK TO YOUR PATHETIC LITTLE AUTHOR IN THE COMMENTS <3 I read and appreciate every single one and they seriously motivate me so so so much. You have no idea.

"Maybe It's Time" by Bradley Cooper (A star is born soundtrack) VIBES REALLY NO OTHER REASON <3

INEJ

 

            “But how do we get the Queen in?” Inej asked, her fingers scraping through her hair for the fiftieth time in the past two bells. This was the piece Kaz hadn’t shared. He had a way through the fortress, if they could get Zoya and her team inside. He had several different routes, one from the main gates, one through the drainage system of naturally carved but reinforced tunnels. Tunnels reinforced by materialki durast, perhaps even enslaved ones, if Inej had to guess.

 

            “I have about two viable options,” He paused, running a hand over his face, “Maybe viable.” Kaz corrected. He pulled another sheet of parchment from below his chipped coffee mug. The drink had gone cool about a bell ago, if Inej had to guess. He scanned its contents, scratching one line of script out.

 

            This morning, they’d awoken late and lazy to a stormy sky. Outside the windows of the Rietveld farm house, workers had milled in the fields until the rain had deemed itself an actual hindrance and they’d sulked off with their horses from the barn, wagons of equipment in tow. Kaz and gone out to speak to Daan Tiers once, and from what Inej had gleaned, Kaz had decided to listen to Emilia. To allow the Rietveld fields to be sowed, honoring both his father’s original contract and the one Jordie had left, too.

 

            Inej had failed in hiding her smile when Kaz had stalked back into the house, wet hair plastered to his scalp. He’d only shaken his head once, but she’d seen his quiet thanks that she’d not pressed him further on the issue. For once, Inej knew someone else had taken up the mantle of wringing hard conversations from Kaz, too. Emilia would ask him about the fields plenty, and Inej would back her up on it.

 

            Since the morning, with the silent recognition of dwindling time, they’d finally forced their minds to work at the same time. Even if other things had been all too tempting.

 

At the kitchen table, maps, manifests and Nikolai’s security intel notes now closed in on Inej’s jar of tulips in the center. Kaz had found routes for Zoya and her team through Kane’s island, as avoidant of the Shu honor guard of inferni as possible. The plan relied heavily on improvisation, but as Inej had read through his plans, she’d been floored.

 

            Only Kaz might have taken that island fortress apart so thoroughly and found a loophole through Kane’s defenses, at least, on the inside. The Ravkan crown was not wrong; Kaz was perhaps the only man alive who might have found a way for a rescue mission in this deplorable place.

 

            Inej’s own portion had been planned, too. Her route to Torunai Shimi, the island of the insignificant. Nestled along the vicious Pearl Coast, Inej knew it would be the most dangerous waters she’d yet set her sails upon. She’d planned a route, all the way up until she’d risk being seen with a long glass from the fortress. The last bit she could not plan without Kaz, she needed to know where exactly she could position her ship to drop the queen in a long boat destined for land. She could not leave the Wraith too close, nor could it be too far. Not with the violent seas and temperamental rock formations.

 

            Nikolai Lantsov’s words rang in her ears. “I suspect you and I, Captain Ghafa, might be the only people who could survive those waters without a clear path.”

 

Inej didn’t know if Nikolai was right, but she did know one thing. Kane De Vries and Serpent Head needed to be stopped. This was the first piece of that equation, getting the queen in to rescue her grisha leaders, and then returning with an army lent to Inej by the crown. This plan and her subsequent leveling of the isle needed to be successful; not only because of Kane’s slaving… but because the destruction of this fortress could potentially stop a war before it began. Shu Han was intending to wage war against Ravka, with the help of Fjerda’s military. If she and Kaz were the piece that could fit into the puzzle of the world, the piece that could save thousands, didn’t they owe it, as human beings… to do their best?

 

“If you sail the Wraith straight through their used path, there’s the slim chance they don’t sink you on sight if you fly your emblem. Kane strikes me as a proud mother fucker, he might just be cocky enough to want you alive, first. You could drop the queen in a dingy and try a switch back so you don’t end up in their harbor.” Kaz began. Inej ignored the way his voice deepened on a swallow. They both knew what he suppressed.

 

Fear. Fear, unchecked and wild. It was the same slime that cascaded down Inej’s spine, blackened and corrupt. It was a paralyzing sort of grease, the kind that sent your feet out from under you on a wire between sugar silos in sweet reef.

 

“That’s not an option.” Inej shook her head adamantly. It would never work. If Kane had her in his vision, even leagues away with a long glass, he’d sink her and the entirety of the Wraith. She could almost picture him there, atop a monstrous reach of a castle in the sea, laughing maniacally like a villain in a story book.

 

That bothered Inej, perhaps more than anything, about Kane De Vries. He’d never shown her his face. She’d seen his men. His cronies and perceived lieutenants. The man he’d sent once, Henrik. Kaz had killed that one on the night she’d been shot last year, whilst saving Jesper in his own home. She’d killed the others, that night. She’d seen Charles Hester, the man who had brutalized her more than perhaps anyone else in the world. Then, she’d seen Pekka Rollins, wearing a false face and working under the very same nemesis that had alluded her.

 

Inej wanted to know Kane De Vries face. She wanted to be able to spot him in the masses and know. For all Inej knew, he’d seen her. Worse, for all she knew, she’d seen him. She’d not know, and that was perhaps the worst of it all. If Pekka Rollins had been tailored, clearly Kane was capable of the same.

 

“Where did you go?” Kaz rasped, gesturing his chin to her blank face. Inej startled at the sound of his voice, her eyes had drifted to the gray skied window above the sink, but she’d not truly seen a thing. How long had she fallen silent?

 

“It’s ridiculous, isn’t it?” Inej whispered. “How Kane had connections to Charles Hester. And Charles was connected to Heleen. How Pekka managed to rope himself into the very same operation.”

 

Kaz was quiet for a long moment, his hand twisted around the pen he held in a small fidget. She saw the muscle in his jaw tighten, his black eyes focused not on her, but on the lantern’s flame in the overhead fixture.

 

With his black eyes and the sharp cut of his clean shaven face, Inej thought sharks and knives must have been the main ingredients in the Saint’s recipe for him. She loved them more for it. His edges lent him the beauty of a night sky peeking through a maelstrom.

 

“Either your Saints are kind or incredibly malevolent.” Kaz surmised with an aggravated sigh.

 

“How?”

 

“They gave us a gallows wide enough for all those we sought to destroy, Inej. We just have to remember not to let knots be tied on our own throats.”

 

Inej grimaced down at her tea. He was right, of course. But it was easier said than done. She touched the scar on her neck and felt Kaz’s eyes track the movement. She shook her head.

 

“You said you had two viable options to get Zoya into the fortress.”

 

Kaz nodded once, the movement sharp and terse. He pulled a second sheet out from his ledger. Inej tilted her head as his bare fingers tightened on the edges. His eyes met hers from across the table.

 

Within their depths, Inej saw regret. She saw his apology conveyed, though she couldn’t fathom what for. She wanted to dip her eyes away from him, wanted to erase the words he was sending her with a look alone.

 

He shifted in his seat and extended his arm across the table to pass the page to her. Her hands tightened around the mug of tea in her lap. She straightened her legs out from beneath her, unfolded herself from comfort like a string on a spool.

 

Through it all, Kaz’s eyes did not leave hers. She could see his hesitation in passing this information to her. She set her mug to the table, her own fingers shaking.

 

Rarely did Kaz look like this. Rarely did he find a line he wouldn’t cross to get a job done, even now. Even if he’d grown so much since the Ice Court, Kaz was still the man who had taken the Dime Lions territory with brutal force. He was still the leader of the Dregs who would not halt a siege in the face of Kerch merchant councils or Tide makers in their obsidian tower.

 

Kaz was hesitant to cross a line. Kaz was nervous to show this to her, whatever his mind had concocted.

 

Inej’s fingers touched the page. Part of her wanted to ask him to tell her, instead. As if he’d read her mind, his chin dipped, shook just once. “I can’t, don’t ask me to,”his motion conveyed.

 

Inej gulped a breath that felt like a stone in her lungs, it knocked around her throat all the way down.

 

Kaz’s hand dropped when she gripped the paper. He reached into his satchel on the unoccupied chair beside him and produced his flask. He poured a finger worth of whiskey straight into his long cold coffee. Inej would have laughed at the obscenity if he hadn’t looked away from her as he took a long swig. If this didn’t feel so serious, like the swing of a life-deciding mallet in a court room, she might have smiled.

 

Inej still did not look down at the parchment in her hands. From the outer edges of her vision, she could see Kaz’s scrawl on the page, black slashes and… ink stains. It was telling. Kaz kept his pages neat, she’d often seen him crumple a log of Club numbers if he spilled but a drop of excess ink, even if the records were only for his own use.

 

Kaz had written this with anguished hands. Anguish made his penmanship messy. She’d seen it in their journals, the ones they wrote to each other in whilst she was sailing. 

 

“I never wanted you to read that.” Kaz said quietly. He ran an angry hand through his hair, tugged on the top button of his shirt until it popped free. “I wanted to find a different way. Maybe I fucked up, bringing us here to plan. I thought the quiet… maybe I’d have done better in Ketterdam, it’s distracting in other ways, but maybe more useful.”

 

Inej frowned. His eyes lifted to hers before skittering away. She knew he’d seen her words clearly enough on her face.

 

Lij was not allowed to be regretted. Not ever. Not once. She didn’t give a damn what his mind told him, this was exactly where they’d needed to be this week. Inej was as certain of that fact as she was in her faith in the Saints.

 

Inej had needed this place, more than she’d ever could have imagined. The house around her felt like the wagons of the caravan. This house was home, and so was the man within it.

 

Not to mention the victories they’d found in their short time here. The love that had bloomed further between them, as natural as the dawn.

 

Or the family Kaz had never known, the woman with his same shark eyes and fiery wit.

 

No, Lij was not to be regretted. Not when this little farm house had shown Inej a very big part of herself.

 

The part of her that was not knives or shadow or even a spotlight and a wire. This house was for the woman and future wife. This house was for Inej Ghafa. This house was for Rietvelds’, and for futures that were folded neatly within a trunk pushed to the attic of Inej’s heart. A place reserved for things she wished to remain safe, but out of sight until she could maybe one day put use to them.

 

Kaz’s eyes narrowed on the page in her hands. He took another sip of his whiskey-coffee. Inej almost longed for some, if only in hopes the burn might crush the ice around her nervous heart.

 

Just then, a knock came from the front door of the house, carried to them from the open doorway to the hall and living room. Kaz grunted as he stood, reaching for his cane. Inej turned her head. In truth, she’d nearly jumped out of her skin, it was a near thing.

 

“Might be Daan, he said he’d give me his preliminary observations of how much soil will need to be scraped from the top of the fields and turned. I didn’t think he’d come back this afternoon.” Kaz murmured in explanation. He limped from the room, the click of his cane a slow tempo on the hardwood.

 

Inej glanced at the yellow paint on the walls. She wondered if maybe Elena Rietveld might hold her hand through whatever she was about to read. Inej longed for Kaz’s return, but she also wished for her parents, for the first time in a while. She wished for the type of guidance that came with age, with lives lived and survived.

 

“Read it with me?” Inej whispered quietly to the hollow space around her. Selfishly, she hoped Kaz’s family lingered there, just for her, for that one scared moment. She hoped if she could not hear Papa’s encouraging timber, she might trade it for Bram’s weathered hands on her shoulders. She imagined them to be sun tanned and callous from working the fields. She imagined they would have gotten on just fine, her and Kaz’s kind father.

 

If she could not smell Mama’s patchouli and geranium perfume, she hoped to inhale marigolds and the lingering smell of sunshine paint.

 

Inej’s chest rattled on a deep breath, when she released it, she looked down.

 

 

 

 

 

KAZ

 

            “You’re early,” Kaz rumbled as Emilia stepped around him from the porch and into the dim light of the living room. He’d left Inej reeling in the kitchen, the hair on the back of his neck was standing up, tickling.

 

            An extremely selfish part of him was glad of the distraction. He’d not had to watch Inej read his worst scheme to date. Some of his best work, some of the least moral.

 

            “How can I be early when you didn’t give me a time to return today?” His aunt shrugged as she kicked rain drops from her boots and flipped the hood of her coat down to reveal the carefully arranged pile of black curls atop her head.

 

            Fair.

 

            “Did you walk in this?” Kaz looked over her shoulder through the open door. The afternoon had only grown darker. Kaz suspected the dark clouds would clear before dusk as storms tended to in the late countryside spring, but for now, rain continued its assault on the roof. He shut the door slowly, savoring the earthy scent of rain on wet grass, not a hint of smog to dampen it.

 

            He’d miss that, in Ketterdam.

 

            Emilia pulled off a pair of buckskin riding gloves, black lace decorated the wrists.

 

            “No, I have a gelding. He’s a nuisance but he’s fast in getting me to and from town with my cart for the shop. I put him in the stall beside yours in the stables. Hope that’s alright.” Kaz only nodded. Emilia unhooked the latches of her sodden gray coat, Kaz didn’t think before he took it from her. He pulled the piano stool in front of the fire and laid it there to dry.

 

Kaz still didn’t quite understand this new dynamic in his life. His aunt, the way he somehow… somehow, he felt like himself around her. Almost like with Inej, with Jesper and the rest of them. It was true, they’d traded their sordid tales the day before, but still, he’d only known her a week. Less time than he’d known the most recent recruits of the Dregs.

 

            Emilia was already amongst the few people in this world that knew anything about him below the surface. In fact, she knew the depths. The darkest things that had happened to him. It was an odd and crippling feeling, but not entirely unpleasant.

 

He’d had fun with her last night, too. Even after Inej had fallen into a tipsy sleep. They’d played cards and traded stupid stories of games gone amuck and strange glimpses of similarities in their lives.

 

            Kaz could count on one hand how many people he had ever found ‘easy’ to be around. Inej. Jesper. Nani. Kahir Ghafa. Emilia. He’d mention Wylan, Nina, and even Helvar; but they took up a different place. Those relationships had not sparked easy for Kaz, not like the first few. Those had taken easing into, conscious effort.

 

            “Hope the ride wasn’t too bad.” Kaz mumbled as Emilia walked up beside him to toss her gloves with her coat. She warmed her hands in front of the low-burning fire. Kaz glanced over at her, it had become sort of game for Kaz, finding out the different fashions his aunt seemed to wear daily. She was a designer and a seamstress, after all.

 

            Today was no different, there was still not a hair out of place on her carefully crafted up-do. Even the rain could not dull Emilia, Kaz realized. Today she wore a simple black tunic, tucked neatly into high-waisted riding pants, a deep gray fabric of a hounds-tooth pattern. Kaz had a black vest that was similar in pattern. Maybe he’d send it to her from Ketterdam to tailor, it had fit loose the last time he’d worn it.

 

            Still, Kaz noticed the details. She wore a ribbon around her neck, a vibrant navy satin tied in a loose bow, a simple gold chain bracelet hung on her pale wrist. Ruby painted lips.

 

            “Do you ever wear the same thing twice?” Kaz hummed. Emilia’s mouth lifted in a half smile. She glanced at him from the corner of her eye, hands still outstretched.

 

            “You’ve known me a week.” Emilia smirked, manicured eyebrow raised.

 

            “That didn’t answer the question.”

 

            “Ghezen, no.” Emilia chuckled. “I reuse pieces. Pieces only.”

 

            Kaz was surprised by his own easy laugh. “Same.”

 

            “Good man.” Emilia huffed. “Where’s Inej?”

 

            “Kitchen.” Kaz frowned as he peeked to the hall over his shoulder. “We weren’t expecting you in the rain.”

 

            He felt Emilia’s eyes rake over his profile as he turned back to the fire, hands clasped over his cane. He knew she was observing something about him, but he wouldn’t dare try and voice what she saw.

 

            Truth be told, Kaz had gotten used to being the most observant person in any room, rivaled only by Inej. Jesper, on occasion. It was not self-inflation, but rather a simple fact. Now, he was dwarfed by his own aunt.

 

            Emilia’s observations about himself and Inej had been one of the most impressive things he’d ever heard, even if in the moment he’d been beside himself with fear. Now, he understood. Emilia simply… was. Just like him, in this way. It was not something she consciously did, but rather like a sense. One could not turn off their hearing, taste or touch. She could not stop observing.

 

            “You’re worried about something.” Emilia supplied, making no move to leave the room. Kaz hummed.

 

            “I’m always worried about something.” He rasped.

 

            “No, something particular. You aren’t walking toward Inej.” Emilia said. “I’ve known the two of you a short while, but that’s not normal.”

 

            Kaz grimaced.

 

            “Not a fight, though.” Emilia guessed. Kaz shook his head.

 

            “Not yet.” Kaz answered, feeling all parts pathetic. Had Inej read it? His scheme? Should he send Emilia away, for now?

 

            How much did he trust her? This aunt he’d never known?

 

            Enough to reveal his job for the Ravkan crown? Enough to risk letting another soul know what he and Inej stood to accomplish, in a world on the brink of war?

 

            “Do you want advice or would you prefer I let you feel sorry for yourself and pretend nothing is wrong?” Emilia’s question came, a whisper. Her voice was lowered, he doubted Inej would hear from the kitchen. He knew Inej had not come closer, even if it was likely she’d heard their voices before. He couldn’t feel her nearing.

 

            Kaz was prepared to meet her sarcasm with his own until he looked at her. Emilia was not laughing at him, nothing about her face read as mocking. She’d lowered her voice intentionally, asked genuinely.

 

            She would not pry him open, now. If he wanted, she was telling him that she’d let it go.

 

            Emilia was respecting his and Inej’s privacy, once again.

 

            Kaz’s heart was in his stomach, but he shook his head.

 

            “It’s a long story. A very long story.” Kaz mumbled, another glance back toward the kitchen. He scratched at his bare wrists. It had only been a few minutes since he’d left Inej, but still he felt like he’d betrayed her.

 

            Inej would not like what he’d come up with. Not one bit. But Zoya Nazyalensky- or was it Lantsov, now? - needed to get into Kane’s fortress. This was a way.

 

            Kaz felt like his hands were dirty, and this time, it bothered him. What he’d written on that piece of parchment, now in Inej’s hands, was never supposed to reach her. It was the last solution. It was the failsafe, if he could find no other way to get the queen from Inej’s ship, and safely onto the isle fortress.

 

            He felt like a failure. That was the worst part of it.

 

            Worse was that he’d not told Inej to expect this sort of plan from him. Not out of omission, but because he’d let himself believe that he could outthink any mess. He’d let his mind hold onto hope, like a reckless bastard.

 

            It felt like a punch to his gut, thinking that this place, these memories with Inej, could become tainted for her by his lacking.

 

            “It’s a damn shame that the roads are mud and we’re stuck in this house with nothing but time, nephew.” Emilia hedged.

 

            Kaz looked at Emilia. Inside, he weighed his choices. What was he to do? Walk into the kitchen and hope Inej was alright, ready to just move on until they were alone? Or worse, was he to lead his aunt into the mess their lives were, and hope he didn’t regret it?

 

            It was not Kaz’s place to share this plan, this problem. Still, he wondered if he could afford this selfishness. Could he break his promise to Nikolai and Zoya and share what he and Inej were up against?

 

            A very small part of Kaz wondered if Emilia might see something he didn’t in the massive stack of blue prints, sea charts, and security movements. What if Emilia could… help?

 

            Dirtyhands railed inside him, demanding that help was not ever needed for a scheme. Schemes only needed more time, even if that meant skipping meals and rest. That, or improvisation on the fly.

 

            Kaz was running out of time. He could not trust his girl to improvisation alone. Not this time.

 

            “I don’t know what to do, Emilia. I could lose everything.” Kaz whispered. He hadn’t made a conscious choice to say the words, but still they went tumbling from his mouth.

 

            Vulnerable. Kaz felt like he’d just rolled over and exposed his soft underbelly to a careless world. A world that could destroy him, if he made one wrong move.

 

            He regretted the words immediately. He couldn’t force himself to take them back.

 

            “That bad?” Emilia asked quietly.

 

            Kaz shrugged. He wanted to scream.

 

            “Well,” Emilia paused, her slender neck raised primly, “Then we best take that possibility off the table. Losing everything, I mean.”

 

            Kaz scoffed as he swept his gaze from the fire and back to his aunt. She looked right back at him, elegant and poised. It was her eyes that Kaz paused on.

 

            Determination leaked from them, thorny and harsh. He’d felt that same look on his own face, too many times to count.

 

            “When the world demands an unfair tithe, we pay with only fool’s gold. We never let them have our real shit.” Emilia said, voice like cold silver.

 

            Kaz’s whole body straightened. He knew what she meant. The world could exact a price, but he’d not pay with what could not possibly be garnered or stolen. “I’ve never heard that phrase before.” His lips quirked. “I like it.”

 

            “You wouldn’t have. I made it up.” Emilia winked at him. “Write it down, won’t you? You’ll need to start making up for the years you went without my generous wisdom.”

 

            With that, Emilia turned toward the kitchen. “Give us a moment, would you?” She called. Kaz wanted to ignore her, but his feet remained planted.

 

            Kaz had no idea if he’d just asked her for help, but it felt like she’d agreed. To what, he wasn’t certain.

 

He only knew that he was a little more fearless than he’d been moments before, and that didn’t feel like fool’s gold. No, that felt like a weighty double sided coin that would always land in his favor.

 

 

INEJ

 

            She was staring at the rain drops sliding down the window.

 

            Inej was angry. The feeling was a bottled fuse within her. The wick had been lit, the slender necked bottle shoved down her throat and lodged into her chest, rubbing against her ribs and chafing the soft parts of her heart.

 

            Once that fragile green glass glowed with heat, the exploding shards would rip her apart, inch by stolen inch.

 

            When Inej had been only that young girl in the Menagerie, painted with spots and aching from the inside out, she’d sworn an oath to herself.

 

            Death would be the price of her suffering. At the time, she’d imbued that promise with her very soul, thinking one day, she’d need to end her own life. One day, she’d be brave enough, holy enough and devout enough to join the Saints without the lodgings of bones or flesh, humbled in spirit alone, no matter how dim it had grown.

 

            Now, she was faced with a terrible choice.

 

            If Inej were brave enough, the choice would be simple.

 

            If Inej were brave enough, the choice would be more complicated.

 

            Truly, Inej wanted to curl into the darkest corner she could find, and stay there until the world changed on its own. She would pack her knives under the floorboards and light a candle in the window, so the universe might know where to find her when all was safe again and these choices were no longer hers, but instead safely wrapped in the hands of fair and important  men and women.

 

            Inej had become a phantom, once.

 

            This was the first day she missed having no name. No heart to give and no skill to barter at the changing of the world’s tide.

 

            At least that girl had known what she was. Nothing. She’d known who she was. No one. That girl had been terribly weightless.

           

            Captain Inej Ghafa had souls tucked in every nook and cranny. From her pockets to the hollow centers of her bones. Some of them were dull rocks stained with blood, those of the men she’d fallen. Some of them were glowing, a gentle buzz radiating within, those of the people she’d yet to save. Some were carved figures, whittled likenesses of perfect faces in amethyst or ruby or amber. Those who she carried with her, long after she’d saved them from the fate she’d nearly not survived.

 

            Captain Inej Ghafa did not remember which part of herself still housed her own spirit, and most of the time, she was alright with that. She could ground herself in it when she needed, or hold close the knowledge of those she carried with her, instead.

 

            Today, she reached and tugged and loosened every muscle, peering beneath and calling her own name. Surely, Captain Ghafa was still in here, somewhere.

 

            She wanted to be angry with Kaz.

 

            She wanted to scream at him or run into the night and demand he not follow.

 

            These were the nameless girl’s thoughts.

 

            Inej Ghafa was the name he’d helped return to her. Without Kaz Brekker, she’d still be weightless. Dead or alive.

 

Inej Ghafa, the woman with a name, wanted his arms to wrap her and tell her that they didn’t have to do this, any of it.

 

It was the most selfish she’d ever been. Hadn’t she told him she would go on this voyage, no matter the cost? It was hypocrisy.

 

“You’re crying.” A kind voice shook Inej’s shoulders into raising. Inej turned her head sharply, Emilia Winstrad was standing in the doorway, haloed by the dim light.

 

For a split second, Inej wondered if she was seeing Elena Rietveld, an answer to her scared plea before she read Kaz’s document.

 

“I am?” Inej wiped at her cheeks. Her voice was numb, even to her own ears. She was still surprised when her fingers came back wet. She’d not remembered crying.

 

Emilia raised a brow at her as she stepped into the room. Her eyes glanced at the piles of paper on the table, but Inej could not force herself to pick them up. She should hide everything away in Kaz’s satchel and her own, this was not business to be shared. This was probably treason against Ravka. Inej didn’t care. Emilia didn’t stop to read any of it before she turned the dial on the hurricane lamp up, the sputtering noise of more oil. The room lightened and Inej squinted.

 

“You weren’t expecting me, I know.” Emilia said just as Inej’s mouth opened.

 

“Where’s Kaz?” Inej asked instead.

 

“I asked him to let me talk to you. Seems the boy listens occasionally.” Emilia raised her voice just loud enough that Inej was certain Kaz would hear from the living room. She didn’t think she imagined a log being tossed into the fire, with a little more force than necessary.

 

“What did you want to talk to me about?” Inej looked up at Kaz’s aunt. She looked elegant, as she always did. Inej had learned quickly that Emilia’s beauty, like Kaz’s, was not actually from her clothes or the fine grooming. It was how she held herself, poised and decisive.

 

Inej had not spent much time with Emilia, yet. Certainly not without Kaz. Inej still did not know Emilia’s full story, but Inej knew that Kaz had trusted her explicitly. Whatever the woman had told her nephew the night before had struck true to him; and Inej trusted Kaz.

 

Still, she had no idea what Emilia could need a private audience for.

 

“I think you and I might have known some of the same dark corners of this world, if I’m not mistaking.” Emilia said as she settled into the chair across from Inej. “That night in my cottage, you stood in front of me when Kaz was angry.”

 

Inej nodded slowly. She’d wondered if Emilia was going to say anything of it, ever. She’d selfishly hoped not.

 

“I won’t ask why you knew what to do, but I wanted to tell you that that simple action alone told me more about you than any words could have.” Emilia’s eyes did not leave hers. She held steady, firm and intense. Inej felt a flush building along her neck.

 

“That is to say, I knew you were someone worth trusting.” Emilia continued, she flattened a wrinkle on her thigh. “Then, you came to my shop yesterday and told me to return and talk to Kaz. That said something, too. Even more so than your words about my nephew. It told me you were brave.”

 

Inej wanted to duck her chin away. She did not feel brave, today. These kind words did not fit her when she was considering how best to remove herself from a war-stopping, world-altering scheme.

 

“Sometimes.” Inej said quietly. It felt like a lie. Sometimes truths felt like that, she supposed.

 

Emilia shook her head. “Neither you or I believe that, Captain Ghafa.”

 

Inej sucked in a breath at the use of her title. She wondered just how much Emilia knew about that.

 

“I know enough to understand that you are ridding the world of people who do not deserve to walk on it.” Emilia answered her unspoken question. “That is enough for me to know that I trust you.”

 

“Trust me for what?” Inej asked, tracing a finger around the edge of her tea mug.

 

Emilia’s eyes dragged over her face, slow and assessing. “Maybe nothing. But you’ve earned it in a short amount of time.”

 

Inej didn’t know what to do with the sincerity behind Emilia’s words. She didn’t know how to hold onto it, today.

 

“Now I ask you, can you do the same?” Emilia leaned back in her chair, crossed one leg over the other.

 

“What do you mean?” Inej asked.

 

“My nephew is in the other room silently brooding himself into a corner over something he perceives to be wounding you. You’re sitting here looking out the window like you might run. Neither of you indicates it’s a problem between you, which leaves me to believe it’s a problem with the world. Those can be solved without tears and dark rooms and distance. Those things solve nothing. He won’t betray you, he did not tell me what problems you’re facing.

 

“So, I’m brave enough to come in here, woman to woman, and ask you to tell me what the hell is making you cry and making Kaz scowl more than usual. He’s going to get wrinkles and I cannot let my blood be tainted that way.” Emilia tilted her head, waiting.

 

Inej let out a sharp giggle, a noise entirely unexpected.

 

“I don’t know if you’re like Kaz or if Kaz is like you.” Inej shook her head as she wiped at her crusted eyes.

 

“The second one, obviously.” Emilia shrugged. “That doesn’t answer me. I won’t pry, in fact, I’ll go if you both ask me to. But I think that would make you both dim.”

 

Inej rolled her shoulders back.

 

“Kaz?” Inej called, loud enough for him to hear. She heard his gait in the hallway before he appeared. His eyes sought her out immediately. Guilt. Worry. All there and hidden in a flash.

 

Instead, his eyes moved from her to Emilia once and back again. He’d already made his choice, but as Emilia had said, he’d not said a word without Inej’s permission, too.

 

Inej nodded. His shoulders released, just a fraction.

 

“That’s odd, the way you two do that.” Emilia said, jarring both of their gazes back to her. Inej gaped when she saw Emilia was already stacking documents in her lap.

           

            She looked up, brows pitched in confusion. Kaz’s head was tilted in disbelief, too.

 

            “What? You already made your choice. I’m just getting a head start while Kaz makes coffee and you go shower away your tear stains. Then the two of you are telling me what in Ghezen’s name is going on and what all of this is.” Emilia shrugged, flicking a wrist.

 

            “I’m making coffee?” Kaz mumbled, shifting his weight from the cane to his good leg. Inej’s lips were wobbling with restraint.

 

            “I didn’t ask, did I?” Emilia huffed. She didn’t even bother to raise her eyes.

 

            Inej lost it. Her laughter was broken gasps and giggles.

 

            “Don’t say it.” Kaz pointed at Inej as he sulked toward the counter.

 

            “About time someone did it to you.” Inej snickered under her breath, earning a glare from Kaz over his shoulder as he set about putting coffee filters over mugs.

 

            Emilia ignored them entirely. She was already organizing blue prints from ship manifests. Inej supposed she didn’t need to have knowledge to sort everything.

 

            As Inej stood to go shower, per Emilia’s command, Kaz limped toward her and pulled her tight against him. His hug was a promise. He wasn’t giving up, not until they were out of time. They would find a different way.

 

            Maybe Emilia would help them find that new path. A way that didn’t involve what Kaz had written. A way that didn’t involve Inej’s forsaking of innocent lives.

 

            “Knives drawn?” Inej whispered into his chest.

 

            “Pistols blazing.” He said against the shell of her ear.

 

           

 

            As Inej walked to the bathroom, she wondered if this was how the start of all wars felt.

 

Like goodbyes disguised as peace.

 

By this time the following week, Inej would be on the sea.

 

            By this time next week, she will have said goodbye.

 

            Perhaps that goodbye would not be disguised as peace, but rather, dressed as hope.

Notes:

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SO....ya'll ready for the pace to start amping up? ;)

Chapter 151: The Crazier of The Two

Summary:

Emilia takes the reins.

Notes:

CHAPTER 151!!!!!

Hello, my lovelies! <3 I have missed you the past two weeks! But fear not! I hope you all have enough faith in me at this point to know I'll always be back, eh? During this time away (mostly due to a heinous schedule), I've continued writing quite a bit. There's so many threads of this story starting to come together and because of that, writing takes a little bit longer to get "right". Gotta make sure I don't leave any holes. Any whoo... quick note about this chapter! You may want to refresh yourself on chapter 113. Details in that chapter end up playing a heavy role here and I thought y'all might appreciate the note of which chapter those details were previously discussed. (Also chapter 117 if you want to be thorough) <3 I hope you love it! I know this one is dense. I know. BUT I PROMISE IT IS WORTH IT.

Thank you so so much for being here, you wonderful humans. Every single word I type, I think of you. I hope this story tells you how much of my heart that you, my readers, own. <3 No one is nothing without anyone, but without you all, I'd be a lot less. Thank you for boosting me up when I can't manage to do it on my own. Your comments and kudos and reads mean absolutely everything to me. I don't make money from writing fanfic, but I have been given absolute gold by you. I wouldn't trade writing this story for anything, and I hope you'll be here with me to the very end. I promise, we'll get there. (sorry for vomiting sentimentality all over you. Kaz would be disgusted.)

PLEASE comment for me? Seriously, I say it every time, I know. But I think I can speak for every fic writer/ author in general out there, that your comments and excitement and surprise etc etc are what inspires us and fuels us. It means so much to me to hear your thoughts and theories and everything in between. I know I can't get back to everyone, but I do read every single comment I receive. I've been trying to carve out time to respond more, and hopefully soon I'll be able to. <3 thank you.

"Better Dig Two" by The Band Perry (EMILIA OKAY.) LISTEN.

KAZ

 

            The rain pelted the windows of the farm house, slowly dwindling to a slow patter as the evening crawled across the sky. Shards of ruby ripped through the gray clouds, one patch at a time. It was a grim sort of orange, peeling away its skin along the horizon.

 

            Kaz’s eyes were focused on Inej, who he was fairly certain was holding her breath. His fiancé’s own gaze was instead trained on his aunt who sat across from them at the kitchen table, a mug of coffee in her pale hand.

 

            Kaz’s throat was dry, he’d spent the past bell speaking, right alongside Inej. He reached for his coffee. Now, they waited for Emilia to speak. The bowl of nuts in the table sat untouched. He didn’t think any of them had much of an appetite, today.

 

They’d told Emilia pretty much everything- from confirming Inej’s profession and mission of hunting slavers, down to the moment the crown had come to Ketterdam, seeking aid. They’d also told Emilia of how Kane had evaded them at every turn. Kaz had been the one to voice the gruesome nature of his message for Inej on the sea- the dead woman tied to a barrel. Inej had looked down at her hands the entire time.

 

            “The Ravkan crown, whom you’d had previous connection to in a way that- how did you put it? Classified? - hired you for this job, in hopes of not only rescuing their people, but also to potentially put a stop, or at least a pause, to a potential war between the six nations of the modern world. A war started and hidden by the sitting Shu Han prime minister with an army of hired guns under this Slaver’s command. Do I have that right?” Emilia asked. Her voice did not shake, her hands remained still.

 

            “Technically speaking, Novyi Zem and The Wandering Isle have not indicated allegiances, if they are even aware of what is going on. Theoretically, I trust King Nikolai would know if they had.” Kaz shrugged.

 

            Inej released a quivering breath.

 

            “They do.” Emilia waved him off. “Whether they’ll involve themselves is another story.”

 

            “What makes you say that?” Inej asked softly.

 

            “They are countries with as much to gain or lose from trade, currency and tourism being interrupted as the rest of them. Without Kerch’s trade ports and finance, the world falls apart. Without Ravka, the world is smaller by tenfold, not to mention that the country houses the greatest grisha force in the world, even if their coffers are as dry as the top layer of soil in a drought.”

 

            Kaz snorted. She wasn’t wrong.

 

            “The Wandering Isle hasn’t been involved in a conflict for a generation, though.” Kaz pondered aloud. Emilia scoffed.

 

            “The parent always comes for the child. If Kerch is in danger, you bet your ass the Isles will take their navy out of port. Kerch kruge is worth the exception.”

 

            The Wandering Isle was rumored to have the fastest fleet of ships in the world. All Kaz had ever seen were their trading ships in fifth harbor. Nothing special, but then again, Inej’s ship was from the Van Eck fleet. The Van Eck fleet built in kaelish waters. The Wraith was also the fastest ship he’d managed to find when looking for the perfect vessel for Inej.

 

            “You’re not reacting how I would have, if I’d been in your shoes.” Inej mumbled as she threaded her fingers through her half-braided hair, still damp from her earlier shower.

 

            Emilia lifted her eyes to Inej. “I don’t balk easily. Even so, what use is my fear, when you are the one to sail into treacherous water? No offense.”

 

            Inej smiled, though it lacked its usual warmth. “Yes, I am.”

 

            Kaz resisted the urge to reach out and touch her. He could read the stiffness in her shoulders as easily as if she’d spoken her every worry to him all over again. Still his hands remained to himself, for now.

 

            “Tell me more about this slaver.” Emilia leaned back in her seat.

 

            “Kane De Vries.” Inej grimaced at the name. Internally, Kaz swung his cane over the phantom man’s skull about seventy times.

 

His imaginary blood ran warm over Kaz’s face, a curtain parting on the final act of an evil man’s life.

 

“You told me he’s eluded you, but do you have any information on him? Any sort of back log? How long has he been operating, does he have any other connections to the main land? Other employees in Ketterdam or Belendt? His name is Kerch.”

 

Kaz shook his head. The coffee in his mug wobbled against the rim as he set it to the table. “Nothing. Not even the fucking King of Ravka could find more on him, and Nikolai is excellent at finding people, maybe even better than I am.”

 

Kaz felt Inej’s hand on his thigh, a tight squeeze of thanks. He knew she meant for her parents, the favor he’d asked of the golden king years ago. Find her family for me. Ghafa.They are suli performers who travel in a large caravan. Her mother keeps dried geraniums in the window sill of their wagon.

 

“And your hunting, Inej? None of the other slavers you’ve captured, none of the people had any information? Even a small detail?”

 

“I’m not exactly in the business of hunting down the people I’ve set free to interview them and ask them to relive the absolute worst moments of their lives.” Inej snapped. Emilia’s eyes narrowed.

 

“Sorry,” Inej mumbled on a shaky inhale. “No, nothing. The slavers I’ve previously taken down, on my first two voyages, they’re dead. The people… returned to their families or countries. The ones that weren’t… I don’t… I don’t ask them to keep in contact with me. They are free. Free to live as they see fit, in Ketterdam or wherever else they hope to rebuild.”

 

Kaz nodded as she spoke, absently working through the layout of Kane’s fortress for the millionth time in his head.

 

“And this,” Emilia lifted a portion of the blueprints, “Is his fortress?”

 

“Yes. Torunai Shimi.” Kaz answered. “If you look on the back, I’ve mapped a route for the queen to get through, from multiple points of entrance. It’ll get her past security rotations of inferni, all the way to the grisha cells. I’ve been told that she’ll be able to open them, so I didn’t work that part. I assume there’s some sort of mechanism for the grisha steel. But the problem lies in the fact that I can’t… I haven’t found…” Kaz paused, glancing at Inej. She didn’t meet his eyes.

 

“I haven’t found a suitable way in. Nothing. Not a way from The Wraith to the shore without the ship being sunk along with everyone on it. Nor a way for the ship to remain hidden or at the very least at a distance, while giving the queen a chance of survival over the rocks in the sea.”

 

Emilia picked up another set of documents, the security plans, Kaz recognized. She ran her finger over the edges of the page as she read.

 

“You said suitable. Suitable for who?” Emilia looked up after a long, quiet moment.

 

“Everyone involved.” Inej said lowly. Kaz swallowed down another sip of coffee.

 

“Alright.” Emilia took Inej’s tone without so much as a raised eyebrow.

 

“Tell me the unsuitable plan, anyways.” His aunt pushed. Inej’s fingers tightened into a fist on the table.

 

“Why? It’s not an option.” Inej growled.

 

Emilia dropped the packet of papers to the table. She leaned forward, manicured fingers laced together against the parchment.

 

“Believe it or not I want you to live, Inej. If you want me to sit here and help, I want every piece of information available. If you do not wish for me to evaluate this, say so. I’m no gang leader or captain. I’m not a queen or a Staadwatch detective. I’m just fucking good at details. I also know a thing or two about revenge, and about a mission you hold onto more than anything else because it might do a good thing or two.” Emilia said, her voice was like the brazen click of the safety on a revolver.

 

It was a polite warning, the last one before shots were fired.

 

Kaz would be lying if he didn’t see this instance from Emilia’s shoes. He did. He would have demanded every piece of information, too. He had, from Nikolai and Zoya. He wouldn’t have done the job without it.

 

Inej and his aunt watched each other from across the table, a heaviness surrounding them that Kaz couldn’t penetrate, and didn’t try. Inej picked and fought her own battles, and he was learning quickly that Emilia was much the same.

 

He almost wished he could point out the similarity to them without getting his head ripped off by Inej’s claws or Emilia’s teeth. He almost snorted.

 

“I was one of them.” Inej whispered. Kaz’s head snapped in her direction. Inej pressed on. “I was captured at fourteen, stolen from my family and taken to Kerch. I was sold into a pleasure house. The number of people that this… filth… this Kane De Vries, has done that to… I have to be successful. I have to. That’s why I don’t know how to feel that someone else knows about this, now. That’s why I…” Inej trailed off, gesturing sharply at the table between them.

 

“Why you’re snapping more than a mantis in an ant hill.” Emilia sighed, nodding. Inej’s chin dipped. Emilia’s eyes sharpened like an axe fresh from the forge, warm and piercing all at once.

 

“What happened to you is unthinkable. I cannot tell you I’m sorry because it would do nothing but rip into wounds I cannot aid in tending. But what I can do is tell you that I will not give up, not until you both leave this town. I waited my twenty years to find closure only to realize it will never come. I don’t think it does, for any of the ones like us,” Emilia gestured to all of them.

 

“But… we can get something else.” His aunt finished, a smile on her mouth. She had dimples on both sides, Kaz realized.

 

“What is that?” Inej asked. Kaz saw a flicker of surprise in his fiancé’s eyes. Emilia would never know how much Inej would appreciate that she was not pitied. Not at all. Kaz could see it in the way Inej breathed, the set of her brows.

 

“Vengeance.” Kaz and Emilia answered simultaneously. He smirked when Emilia’s eyes flashed to him.

 

Inej threw her head back and gazed at the ceiling. “Saints, I wish you both knew how weird it is that you both have that word tattooed on your tongues.”

 

Emilia reached across the table, slowly. Inej looked back down the moment Emilia’s fingers touched her fist on the table. Kaz watched Inej’s breathing, she did not shrink away from his aunt’s unexpected touch, only looked surprised.

 

“At the end of the day, Inej Ghafa, I am a stranger. But I want to earn your trust. That’s what friends do, isn’t it? We prove ourselves worthy. I’m sharp willed and drunk fifty percent of the time but I’m fucking loyal.”

 

“I know.” Inej smiled at Emilia’s hand wrapped around her own. Emilia tilted her head.

 

“I know because Kaz is.” Inej’s eyes flickered to him and Kaz could only stare at the two of them.

 

“He definitely inherited that from me,” Emilia grinned conspiratorially before her eyes danced around the room, “But I’d be remiss if I didn’t say it was mostly his parents.”

 

“Loyalty is a great thing to inherit, but I think I would have preferred the sense of humor.” Kaz rasped. He felt a bolt of pride in his chest when both Inej and Emilia chuckled.

 

Emilia let go of Inej’s hand, picked up her papers once more.

 

Inej straightened her shirt and sat taller than before.

 

“So tell me,” Emilia looked to himself. “What was the unsuitable plan?”

 

Kaz chewed on the inside of his cheek.

 

“Pose the Wraith as a salvage job under a captain looking to get in on Kane’s operation, flying his banner. Down to having… down to having innocent people on board. Along with the queen and Inej, tailored and in the hold with the rest of them. It’s not a good plan.” Kaz paused, his jaw attempting to grind his teeth to dust.

 

“Inej isn’t even supposed to go in initially, as I said before.” Kaz gritted.

 

Emilia nodded and Inej took another shaky sip of her coffee, sans cream. He wondered if she’d brave cream ever again, after her bout of food poisoning.   

 

“Not to mention asking people that were already rescued by the Dregs from auction in Ketterdam to willingly go back into the hold of a ship and sail into death with me. Children. Fucking children.” Inej growled, her chair squeaked as she stood and refilled her coffee from the carafe on the counter.

 

Emilia was tapping her finger against the table, looking at the blue prints. She nodded at Inej’s words.

 

“Even if you sail with his banner, that won’t be enough to stop them firing canons at you from a league away.” Emilia said thoughtfully.

 

“That’s what I was thinking!” Inej exclaimed, eager to hear his plan rebuked.

 

“I didn’t write that part down.” Kaz winced when Inej’s dark eyes turned on him, waiting to land a fatal blow. A blow he deserved if he spoke the next part.

 

“What part?” Inej said lowly, meanly.

 

Kaz brushed a fleck of lint off his sleeve before he straightened his shoulders. He set his hands on the table before meeting Inej’s eyes head on.

 

“You’ll have to send Kane a message he understands. We’ll steal a corpse from Ketterdam and lock it in an ice box reinforced with steel to keep it until you make it to the coast. Then, from a safe distance, you’ll set it to a barrel with a message from the supposed Captain, you’ll use Zoya to help send it off swiftly. Then you’ll have to wait for the signal for safe port, he’ll use a series of blasts as he does for all ships allowed to sail the clear path into the islands harbor.” Kaz said.

 

“We’ll have to use someone who could have been someone he’d of targeted. Put a bullet in the skull. It will be a show of strength, and willingness from the false Captain to do what needs to be done. It will also indicate that he knows of Kane, and what type of message he’s sent before.” Kaz finished.

 

“A woman or child.” Inej gaped. Kaz wanted to tell her how sorry he was, but how could he be? He wasn’t suggesting murdering someone. Just… unfortunately using their body. It was not his first choice. Far from it. But his mind had found no other way.

 

“Someone dead.” Emilia echoed in a whisper. Inej did not look at him again. Kaz watched his aunt as she began hurriedly shuffling through the documents on the table until she found another portion of the blueprints supplied from Nikolai. Kaz had no idea where her mind had gone, but he couldn’t focus on it when Inej sat stiffly beside him, nearly leaning away from him.

 

He knew. He knew that everything he was suggesting went against Inej’s faith. Against her purpose and her soul. He knew the heart of her, his rested right beside it day in and out, like a weary traveler in the fjord who finally found a campfire.

 

He could not offer an apology. He was doing what she asked him to, even if she didn’t like it. Even if he hated it.

 

“’Nej.” Kaz called. Her face turned to him, eyes hard and lips thinned.

 

“Why didn’t you just write that down, too?” Inej asked impatiently.

 

“Because the rest was enough and-"

 

“You didn’t want me to say no without reading the rest?” Inej snapped before he could finish. He nodded. He wouldn’t lie to her on top of putting this scheme in front of her. Inej sighed heavily, but she didn’t look away from him.

 

He could read her understanding there, even if she was angry. Inej was brilliant, and she’d worked with him long enough to recognize the right move, and he’d made it. Even if it was against her, in some distant way. She no longer sat as far away from him as possible, and for now, Kaz would take it as a victory.

 

Emilia snapped her fingers. He’d not heard her say anything. “You said something about the voyage you took to try and rescue people, just before you came here. You said you took a captains journal from one of the ships you sunk.”

 

Kaz raised his brows, he had said that earlier when he’d told her everything. He’d also said it had nothing left in it of use.

 

“Where is it?” Emilia said urgently, her finger hovered over a line of script to mark her spot on one of the security documents that detailed rotation of guards around the island fortress. She was already thumbing her way through another stack of documents.

 

Kaz reached into his satchel on the chair beside him and tossed Emilia the leather book, the pages crinkled all over the edges from water damage. She quickly undid the leather strip that secured the book.

 

Kaz and Inej watched as she flipped through each page. Emilia’s breath hitched. Her eyes turned up, but she wasn’t looking at them. Instead, his aunt’s eyes were looking out the window, focused on nothing but whatever was turning in her mind. Her lips were pursed, her cheeks just barely hollowed.

 

“Is that it?” Kaz leaned over slightly to whisper to Inej.

 

The corner of Inej’s mouth lifted, something about the movement was wild and smug. Wings fluttered to life in the pit of his stomach.

 

“Scheming face.” She confirmed, her eyes crackling with disbelief as she watched Emilia.

 

            Kaz leaned back, confused. He’d never felt this emotion that crept up his shoulders, steadily climbing and glowing.

 

            It was a mixture of feelings he was familiar with; Pride and comfort. But it was more than that.

 

            It was a feeling he may never have experienced if he’d not met Emilia Winstrad. It was the witnessing of one’s roots. It was sitting in a chair and seeing threads unspool from your own person, only to reach toward another. Those threads showed Kaz something he’d not been aware had not been his own entirely. Those threads showed him where he came from, in some sense that Ketterdam had never been able to reveal.

 

            It was family that he hadn’t needed to forge for himself, but instead flowed through his veins. He’d never thought he’d see that again, nor had he wanted to.

 

            Kinship, Kaz named the feeling, just as the setting sun slanted through the window and ghosted Emilia’s profile.

 

            It was the inverse of his childhood nightmares. The ones of a faceless mother calling to him from the sunrise drenched kitchen.

 

            His mother’s face was filled with detail now, but instead of laugh lines, it was harsh like his own and drawn with smudges of concentration. The sun was setting, and Kaz thought, just maybe, Inej’s saints were a little symbolic after all.

 

            One sister had been the sunrise, the other the harsh crimson of sunset. One brother had been the sunrise, the other the creeping black of night.

 

            “Trust her,” A voice pressed against Kaz’s ear, whispy and most certainly imagined. His mother’s ghost sounded like she was smiling.

 

            Kaz did. He trusted Emilia.

 

A bell passed as Emilia continued to read, but the feeling didn’t. The trust stayed with him.  That’s how he knew it was there to stay.

 

For someone like Kaz, time didn’t lie, and his clock ran fast. Emilia had managed to keep up, down to the second.

 

 

 

 

EMILIA

 

            It was there. The answer Kaz hadn’t been able to find, because how could he? He didn’t know what she did. If Emilia were a better woman, maybe she’d have called her nephew and his future wife insane instead of aiding them. Not because they were, but rather because a better woman, a better aunt, would do anything to keep her family from putting themselves into danger.

 

            That role had always been Elena’s. The softness had been beaten out of Emilia in a dark hole she’d watched burn in the end.

 

Emilia was not the better woman. She was, however, the more impulsive.

 

“You found something.” Her nephew surmised. Emilia looked at Kaz, his eyes were guarded, but he was leaning forward. Hope lingered there. Hope he was trying desperately to hide.

 

Emilia thought she might just be the crazier of the two of them, but she supposed there was time to find out yet.

 

Inej looked at her, too. The suli woman’s skin was absolutely stunning in the sunlight, Emilia noted. Kaz and Inej looked beautiful, together. Beautiful in a way that was hardly affected by their outward appearances. It was in how Inej’s hand had found Kaz’s on the table, and how his thumb was absently swirling circles into her skin. He was probably unaware he was even doing it.

 

Emilia wanted to know them. She wanted to see them live, even if Kaz decided not to include Emilia in that life. She thought she could live with that, if she knew her sister’s son was happy and healthy. Even as a Barrel Boss.

 

Surely more impossible realities had coexisted before.

 

“This ledger,” Emilia grabbed the book again and flipped it toward Kaz and Inej on the table. “It mentions off-loading the stolen people in Ketterdam AND Belendt.”

 

Kaz nodded. “Yes, I’ve read that damn book about seven hundred times.”

 

“M.K. What does that mean? Did you decipher the abbreviation?” Emilia ignored his sarcasm entirely and jumped to her next query. She knew Kaz would know what portion of the ledger she referred to, if he’d read it that many times.

 

            “Menagerie, Ketterdam.” Inej voiced. “It’s…”

 

            “The Pleasure House. I’m familiar. The woman who runs it is a bitch.” Emilia said crassly.

 

            Inej’s laughter was small, but very real. Emilia watched as Kaz lifted Inej’s hand, brushed a kiss against the ridge of her knuckles. Another silent thing passed between them, Emilia turned her head back to the ledger.

 

            “You have no idea.” Inej swallowed, but she managed to keep a smile there on her lips. Emilia was grateful for it.

 

            “I do, actually. She tried to commission me for gowns, three years ago. She offered half my price and told me I should be grateful to have caught the eye of someone so important to Ketterdam’s culture. That is to say, she told me through a note, passed along to one of the women who is actually a paying client. I never saw her in person, and I left her without a response when I came back to Lij. That told me plenty about her.

 

            “Not to mention the awful stories I’ve been unfortunate enough to hear from women whose husbands frequent the place. Or the very few wives who used to be employed there, before some rich old bastard decided to take her home and make her play wife.” Emilia said angrily.

 

Kerch was still backwards. Still broken.

 

“A noose for a noose.” Inej mumbled. “I was lucky to get out.”

 

            Emilia froze as she took in Inej’s expression. A weight had descended upon the girl again, though she carried it well.

 

            “You were in the Menagerie?” Emilia swallowed thickly.

 

            “I’m exotic.” Inej said dramatically, venom lacing each letter.

 

            “We need to stop talking about Heleen.” Kaz rasped. Emilia had not heard his voice so deep, so snarling. He meant it, Emilia recognized. His rising anger was as palpable as the chair under her.

 

            Inej’s hand returned to Kaz’s, and she saw his grip tighten. Inej squeezed back.

 

            “I should have made her the ugliest fucking gown I could have imagined. I guarantee she would have thought it high fashion.” Emilia added. Inej snorted, but Kaz was still elsewhere, his gaze sharp and distant. She felt her own rage simmer between her joints, molten and waiting.

 

            Emilia continued to read. Focus, Em.

 

            Not a minute passed before she found what she was looking for.

 

            She fucking had it. It was a beast of a plan, biting and crippling in idea alone. She’d need to whip this idea into shape, or let Kaz do it.

 

            “You just figured it out, didn’t you?” Kaz whispered. Her gaze darted to her nephew, their dark eyes clashing above the table, two sharks in a sun laden sea.

 

            The sun slanted further into the room. A spider leg of a ray slashed right across Kaz’s face, half shadowed, half golden. His right eye lit up like rich soil tilled with natural quartz fragments, just like Elle’s. Her own, she supposed.

 

            “I got it.” Emilia said, a little breathless.

 

            I got you, nephew.

 

INEJ

 

            Emilia looked at a watch that had been previously hidden under her sleeve. She was gathering documents up into neat piles that Inej didn’t understand the organization system of. Blueprints and manifests all muddled together.

 

            “Are you going to speak or…?” Kaz sighed, he ran a hand through his hair and the collar of his shirt slid down just enough to reveal the deep purple bruise Inej had left on him last night. He adjusted it before Emilia could see it. Inej wanted to smile, but suspense had its hands clasped over her mouth.

 

            Did Emilia really have an answer? Could she possibly have seen something Kaz had not? Kaz who had broken into the Ice Court? Kaz who had out schemed the merchant council on too many occasions to count on even one hand?

 

            This woman before Inej was a stranger, but nothing about her felt like one. It was something that had happened quickly for Inej. Maybe it was the similarities that Emilia and Kaz boasted. Maybe it was simply the abha Inej could not see, but Nani would be able to. Maybe Emilia’s aura was just… familiar.

 

            “Milan Arkten.” Emilia said.

 

            “What?” Inej shook her head.

 

            “It’s a name in the ledger. Heleen’s assistant Irena sent word to Kane’s company via someone named Milan Arkten.” Kaz said slowly, head tilted.

 

            “The name means nothing to me.” Kaz continued, “I even looked around Ketterdam, the public and ship docking logs. Even the prison roster.”

 

            Inej raised a brow. “You did that before we left Ketterdam?”

 

            He nodded, paying no mind to her surprise. She really shouldn’t have been, at this point.

 

            “It does to me. He’s married to one of the women I wardrobe twice a year. He lives in Belendt, and his wife has hinted to me on multiple occasions that she suspected his law firm was not the only business he was in. Mrs. Arkten’s a gossip and doesn’t give a damn as long as she had kruge to spend, but she asked something once that struck me as odd. Now I know why.” Emilia flipped the cover of the ledger and pointed to the wax seal embossed on the cover, the Serpent Head symbol in silver.

 

            “She asked me to incorporate this very symbol in a birthday gift for her husband. A set of ties with this sewn into the satin, right where it would be knotted.”

 

            Kaz’s mouth parted. Inej blinked. It was a lead on Kane, but they didn’t have time to follow up on it. It didn’t get Inej into the fortress.

 

            Kaz voiced all of this and more, his tone aggravated. Emilia let him speak, tapping her nails against the top of the book.

 

            “Are you done?” Emilia asked and Kaz glared fiercely, but he nodded.

 

            “I’m going to tell you why your plan wasn’t going to work as it was, and what I think will, now. I was trying to go in chronological order because I thought you’d appreciate that being who you are. No more interruptions.” Emilia said coyly and Inej wondered if Kaz’s glare caused the candle in the lantern to flutter or if it was simply coincidence.

 

            “Your plan relied too heavily on Kane accepting the word of someone he doesn’t know. Even with the bait of Inej and her ship. But before we get ahead of ourselves, Inej, you will have to go in with the queen. The first time around. Without an army.”

 

            “I know.” Inej said. And she had, hadn’t she? She’d even wanted to, when Zoya and Nikolai had first suggested she wait on the ship. Even Kaz’s plan had her going in, too. She knew he didn’t like it. Even now, he tugged on his blazer sleeves and rolled his shoulders back.

 

            Emilia nodded.

 

            “As I said, the original plan you had relied too heavily on Kane allowing someone he didn’t recognize to enter the fortress. The salvage job and the letter on the body, that’s still happening. My apologies, Inej.”  

 

            “But if the person is someone he knows, written in that man’s penmanship… that could do it.” Kaz whispered, head nodding slowly.

 

            “You have a grisha tailor in your employ?” Emilia asked. Kaz confirmed. Arman was a terribly useful member of the Dregs, Inej pondered.

 

            “What about a forger? Someone who can take a sample of the original penmanship and copy it?”

 

            Kaz scoffed. “Inej does.”

 

            “Specht.” Inej smiled at the thought of her burly first mate. The man who had been kicked out of the navy for forging documents… only after succeeding for over twenty years.

 

            “Excellent. Milan signs all of my invoices for his wife’s wardrobe. I have them at my shop. I’ll give you several, he’s even made notes on some. A healthy sample for your forger.”

 

            Kaz was already reaching for a pen and a fresh sheet of paper. He did love his lists, Inej thought fondly before speaking.

 

            “What if Kane has connections in Belendt? What if he knows that the man isn’t on my ship, because he’s elsewhere?”

 

            Emilia grinned a toothy, smug thing.

 

            “His wife comes into town for wardrobe fittings, and he comes with her. They spend two or three nights in Sadie’s only suite while I make alterations. They come into town on Friday.”

 

            Kaz smirked. Inej didn’t follow the smile on his face, that did not alleviate the concern. It would be over three weeks before Inej even made the Pearl Coast, and that was assuming the waters were kind and no monsoons blew in with the late summer. Milan being out of town this week didn’t help anything.

 

            “So?” Inej asked, feeling a tad dim. Kaz would be back in Ketterdam. If Kane had a tail on Milan or spies in Belendt, it wouldn’t matter.

 

            “So, they’ll be here for the full three weeks. I’ll personally make sure of it.” Emilia said then.

 

            Kaz coughed around a sip of coffee, “What?”

 

            “What did you think I meant?”

 

            “I thought I was going to have a chat with him.” Kaz frowned. Murder, of course. Inej wasn’t put out over it, but did feel rusty on her scheming. The coffee had made her jittery.

 

            “No need.” Emilia waved him off.

 

            Inej watched as Kaz narrowed his eyes on his aunt. “No, I do need.”

 

            “Why?” Emilia asked, disbelief on her face.

 

            “Because you aren’t getting more involved in this.” Kaz shook his head.

 

            “I’m already involved.” Emilia stated.

 

            “How would you insure that he’ll stay here, out of sight? Not to mention, if he got away, your involvement could get back to Kane. If we fail, he comes for you. He finds out about Lij, and… about us having been here. That’s not something I’m willing to risk.”

 

            Inej heard his words for what they really meant. Kaz was not willing to risk Emilia or this land. Or his true name. He was not willing to risk his life, in this sense.

 

            “I’m capable.” Emilia uttered.

 

            “You’ll what? Lock them in your shop?”

 

            “Milan Arkten works with Kane. He deserves to die.” Inej added. Kaz made a “see?” gesture with his wrist.

 

            “I agree.” Emilia said. Inej tilted her head. “You are the one who assumed I meant alive.”

 

            Kaz leaned back in his chair, gears turning behind his eyes. To anyone else, he’d look neutral. To Inej, he looked somewhere between shocked and bewildered.

 

            Emilia took a deep breath. “I’ll kill him. Silently. No guns, no mess. Mrs. Arkten and their son will have enough money to last them a long time and she will return to Belendt and tell everyone who asks that her husband needed to see to a matter that required him to leave town to meet with someone. Because that is all she will know until he’s declared dead some weeks from now.”

 

            “She’ll be a witness. I don’t like witnesses unless I’m putting on a show.” Kaz rasped.

 

            “She won’t witness a damn thing.” Emilia replied sharply, her eyes avoiding them. Emilia had not evaded their eyes even once before, not the entirety of the afternoon. It made Inej’s arm hair stand up. Fear was here, but not yet whispering.

 

            “What does that mean?” Inej asked. Kaz was watching as Emilia toyed with a link on her bracelet.

 

            “I can do it.” Emilia answered instead. Vague. Too vague.A pregnant pause befell them in the wake of Emilia’s declaration.

 

            Kaz’s face was as soft as a rose bush and sharper, too. He did not speak. He blinked in stoic silence. Inej knew his mind was churning as much as her own,

 

            “What is that?” Emilia asked softly, pointing at Inej’s satchel on the ground. Sticking out of the top was a folded newspaper, from weeks and weeks ago. The article was dotted with Kaz’s handwriting and her own, underlines and bullets and messy little anecdotes.

 

            Inej reached for the paper and pulled it up onto the table, smoothing out the creases. The motion was calming. Smooth a wrinkle here, and maybe one would soften in her thoughts. This day had gone too many different directions for Inej.

 

            “There was this murder in Belendt, awhile back. It was odd to say the least. A man was murdered in a bank vault, an employee. There were over seventy people in the building, and the door wasn’t even shut. So many witnesses, but no one heard a thing and no one recalled seeing someone go in after him. There weren’t any vents or panels inside, either.”

 

            “We like to try and solve weird murders for fun.” Kaz said finally, shrugging. Inej knew he wasn’t really letting what Emilia had said go, but she was grateful to pretend for a moment.

 

            Emilia was staring down at the paper. “How do they claim it was murder, then? Couldn’t it have just as easily been his heart giving out or perhaps an illness he’d not been aware he had?”

 

            “No,” Inej replied. “An autopsy was called for by the family, done by a grisha healer. Nothing in his anatomy was wrong. He didn’t have any external injuries, either. What they did find however, was air in his veins.”

 

            Emilia reached out and took the paper into hand, glancing over her own and Kaz’s theories.

 

            “Do you think you figured it out?” Emilia asked, slowly lowering the paper back to the table.

 

            “No.” Inej sighed. “All the theories we’ve had we’ve just as easily been able to rebuke. Such as gas poisoning. The door to the vault was still open for him to leave. If gas had been planted, it would have leaked out with no seal. Others nearby would have fallen ill, even from further away.”

 

            “And no vents.” Kaz mumbled.

 

            “I see.” Emilia pursed her lips. Inej ran her hand over another crease.

 

            “His name was Erik Corstandich.” Emilia said quietly. Inej’s head snapped up. Kaz set down his mug too quickly, the ceramic clicking hard against the mahogany table.

 

            “He paid a family of a girl twice his junior to marry her ten months ago. She turned eighteen the day before their wedding. Her name is Carolien. He raped her the night of their wedding, and every day after. He would always show his so called ‘remorse’ by buying her gifts. Their neighbor was a client of mine and she invited Carolien to come to Lij and see my shop and commission gowns on Erik’s kruge. Erik let her go, only for a night. She was pregnant, you see.” Emilia hesitated as she eyed the sketch of the murdered man, Erik, in newsprint.

 

            “What Carolien didn’t know was that the woman who brought her to me knew I could help, because I’d helped her sister.” Emilia was whispering, now. Her red lips did not frown, but Inej could only read pain in the woman’s face.

 

            Inej didn’t dare speak. Not now. Kaz did not, either.

 

            “I got Carolien back to her cousin’s manor, just outside of Belendt. Her cousin would help her stay hidden, until it was done.” The sun was nearly gone. The room was as dusky as Emilia’s voice, now.

 

            “If I had to theorize, I would suspect that the person who murdered Erik was someone who would go unnoticed in a busy bank of important men constantly padding their pockets. A woman, perhaps. A woman who did not live in the area, someone unknown and ordinary. Women are always over looked, we only need husbands to manage our finances. And if a woman waltzed through the employee only door, any man might play white knight and allow her to use the private bathrooms, not open to the public.

 

“He’d point her down a series of long corridors that led right past the vault. Of course, the gentleman left her to her own devices and privacy once she reached the facilities. Of course, he also believed her when she said he should get back to his very important business. If the woman had been watching the bank for two days prior, no one would have remembered.

 

            “Just as no one remembered the woman who looked through the windows to the lobby for hours that morning, waiting until the man at the desk seventeen paces to the right of the tellers, went to do the afternoon counts.

 

            “When she paused at the open vault, he greeted her with lustful eyes, happy to look his fill. When she asked him if she might wait for him to accompany her back to the lobby so she didn’t get lost, he might have looked at her chest when he eagerly agreed.

 

            “When he resumed his count, chattering away, the woman might ready the needle in her pocket. When she acted faint, collapsing to the ground, the man might have knelt beside her, but not calling for help. When she went limp, he might have reached toward the door to pull it shut, rather than call for aid.

 

“See, the woman knew he would not yell out. Monsters are predictable, so unlike human beings. When he leaned over her face, testing her responsiveness, breath hot on her skin, she probably took her needle and stabbed it right through the iris of his dark eyes. No external marks. Little blood. Easily overlooked. The needle was filled with a poison that dissolves within an hour of administering, unfortunate that no one can live past a minute without the anecdote. A grisha would not even find it, by the time they got to him. Only air.

 

“Or so I’m told, anyways.” Emilia finished.

 

Kaz was leaning forward in his chair, elbows on his knees and chin resting over his steepled fingers.

 

“You’re the Belendt Butcher.” Inej whispered.

 

“Funny, isn’t it? I never spilled a drop of blood but now I’m a ‘butcher’.” Emilia scoffed.

 

“Not the first one?” Kaz asked, his voice low and even. Emilia shook her head and tucked a stray onyx curl behind her ear.

 

“This fucking country lets men buy women like cattle in more ways than one. Indentures or marriages… they are both contracts.” Emilia said as she looked up at them fully. Inej did not find an ounce of regret in her dark gaze.

 

Inej recognized that look, this particular expression of Emilia’s was one that Inej herself wore every day on her ship.

 

Bloody, righteous purpose.

 

“My fate is not one I wish on other women. I do what I can, when I can. I did it once for myself. I’ll bloody my hands a little more for the others like me.”

 

“We should have met each other much sooner.” Inej breathed. She could not believe what Emilia had said, but she knew it to be true. It all lined up. All of it.

 

“Yes, Captain. I’m afraid we should have. We have similar goals.” Emilia’s lips curved up on the ends, a bare sort of smile. She turned her head to Kaz, waiting.

 

“Can you teach me the needle thing?” Kaz asked. Inej rolled her eyes.

 

“Your parents would be so disappointed in us.” Emilia choked on a startled laugh.

 

“No.” Kaz smirked. “They’re just laughing in the grave at this point.”

 

“So you’ll kill Milan. But we still need to actually get onto the island. Or is the rest of the plan the same as Kaz’s?” Inej frowned. She’d hoped for a different way. One corpse she could handle, but putting people back on her ship… even just temporarily in the hold…

 

“No. Kind of. I’ll explain on the way.” Emilia glanced at her watch before standing up.

 

“On the way where?” Kaz asked, brow lifted in skepticism.

 

“We need to make it to Lij before true dark with the mud. The graveyard doesn’t have street lanterns.”

 

The statement was so outlandish that Inej squeaked when she asked, “Graveyard?”

 

“Yes. We’ll have to forgo your wagon with the roads. Horses it is. I’ll buy dinner while we’re in town.” Emilia was already strutting away toward the living room, heeled boots clicking on the wood as she disappeared down the hall.

 

Inej looked at Kaz. He looked back at her. They both blinked in the quiet, listening to Emilia in the other room.

 

“I don’t know what the hell just happened.” Inej squinted at him.

 

“I think she’s my new role model.” Kaz answered as he reached for her hand.

 

“A needle in an eyeball. Of course she is.” Inej felt him drape her jacket over her shoulders as he stood in front of her. He looked down at her, eyes shimmering in amusement.

 

“My darling Inej, all of my favorite things are sharp and pre-dispositioned to stabbing. Look at who I’m marrying.”

Notes:

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SOOOOOOO...I know it was dense. But was it worth it?? Did I shock you? ;) PLEASE TELL ME IT WAS READABLE BC MY GOD I STRUGGLED FOR A MINUTE HERE.

Chapter 152: Three Golden Ghosts

Summary:

A walk, a corpse or two.

Notes:

CHAPTER 152!!!!!

HI EVERYONE! Surprise!!! I'm here despite my laptop issues (if you follow me on my socials, you already know.) My laptop decided this past week that she was... just done. I still don't know what happened. I didn't download anything, didn't drop it, spill anything.... nothing that would cause a gently used not too old laptop to call it quits. It just... died. It was honestly very sad, and I'm still mourning a few things that didn't back up to my cloud storage. Including this chapter, which I entirely rewrote. Thankfully, I was able to get a new laptop due to back to school sales, but it was a very unexpected expense. I thought I was going to have to save for weeks, but I'm very fortunate that I found something at a severe discount that wouldn't make me choose between food and writing. I thought I was going to go insane, not being able to write and so I prioritized it. Anyways, that's why this took a little longer, rant about life over.

GOSH. I hope you love this one, and I hope the quality is okay considering I had already written this once and lost it. <3
I'm so excited. So so so so so so excited.

Thank you, so so much for your eternal patience and support of my writing. I cannot explain how appreciative I am, and I don't think I'll ever be able to articulate it accurately. I just love you guys. More than you know. <3

PLEASE TELL ME YOU LIKED IT OR WHATEVER YOU THOUGHT IN THE COMMENTS?!?!?!!!!! I'M SO READY TO HEAR IT AND I NEED MOTIVATION TO WRITE THE NEXT ONE AGAIN (I also lost that one when my laptop went down like the titanic)

"Boondocks" by Little Big Town (Opening bars at the end of this chapter, yes more country BUT IT FITS OKAY)

KAZ

           

            The rain had slowed to a temperamental drizzle, the final vestiges of the sky’s tantrum. Ally’s hooves began to clop against the cobblestone street of Lij, a welcome reprieve from the muddy dirt roads they’d traversed all the way from the farm. The sun had set, but the horizon still cradled a whisp of light, gray and resilient.

 

            Inej was huddled close to his chest, spine relaxed against him. He’d felt her hand on his knee every so often as they rode, gentle and reminding to go slowly through the slick mud. Kaz, however, suspected that Ally would have laughed if he’d tried to press her to hurry. Or whatever the stubborn horse equivalent would have been. In truth, he’d hardly had to guide Ally at all. She was a good mare, even tempered. He’d think of her again when they returned her to the public rental stalls on their way out of Lij the day after next. That was saying something for a horse he hardly knew, he supposed.

 

            Instead of guiding the horse who could very well drive herself, Kaz had focused on the lingering scent of rain mixed with soap in Inej’s long hair. He’d kept his arms tight to her sides, memorizing each curve and bend of her shape. Time kept moving too fast. Lij was slow, but Ketterdam’s clock had stalked him through the maze of fields, ticking louder than the cicadas and their steady song.

 

            Emilia had ridden ahead of them on her gelding, with instruction to meet her in the grassy town square when they made their way into town. She’d been in a hurry that Kaz hadn’t managed to figure out. She’d left the house before Inej had even gotten her boots laced. The entire day had been something of a revelation.

 

            His aunt was more like him than he could have ever guessed. She was also just as fucking stubborn. That, perhaps, Kaz could have done without.

 

            He still didn’t know Emilia’s plans for Inej’s voyage, and it was grinding him down into flammable chalk. Gun powder in a wrinkled blazer. For every scheme Kaz’s mind had ever conjured from thin air, he could not understand why they were to go to Lij’s graveyard.

 

            When Kaz was a boy, he could still remember walking past the old iron gates of the cemetery with his father’s big hand wrapped around his own, and Jordie’s chatter in the background. The place had always seemed darker than his mother’s peaceful grave atop the hill at the farm. Something about the looming finality of being taken across those gates had frightened Kaz, even if his father rarely brought them. Kaz could only recall visiting his grandparents’ graves once. His father’s parents, in the Rietveld quarter of plots. His grandfather had lived until Jordie had been one, apparently, but not with his parents. His Da had told him that Grand Da had been taken to town to live with other people his age, where he had a medic nearby at all times.

 

            Kaz remembered pouting because Jordie swore up and down that he remembered Grand Da. It had been yet another person that little Kaz had never gotten to meet, swallowed up by grave soil too quickly for him to catch even a glimpse.

 

            Later, his father told him that Jordie couldn’t remember him, he’d been too little. Kaz didn’t like that, either. His brother didn’t lie. Da didn’t lie. It had put Kaz into a mood until Bram had taken both of them for caramel apples in the shop down the street. Then, like all things in little kids minds when faced with sweets, the thought, and his philosophical confusion, evaporated.

 

            “Mera chaar?” Inej called as Kaz tied Ally to one of the horse posts on the edge of town. He situated her next to the large chestnut beast he assumed was Emilia’s own gelding, based on the fine leather trappings of his saddle engraved with a crimson “E.W.”.  There was a fresh basin of water, a bin of grain and a small tin roof awning nailed into the branches of the tree above them. Kaz would make sure to drop some coins into the small lockbox beside them, tips for the stablemaster, and likely his children, who manned each of these small posts for travelers throughout the village proper. It was clearly well tended.

 

            Kaz bent over the railing to check the knots on Ally’s lead. Next, he felt Inej’s hand on his ass, a smack. He jolted slightly before looking over his shoulder. Inej kicked a toe in the dirt, hands clasped behind her back. She was the picture of innocence, if it were not for the smug little grin on her lips. She shrugged when he raised a brow.

           

            “I liked the view, wanted to let you know.” She beamed. He rolled his eyes, but he felt his cheeks warming as he turned back to his task.

           

            “I’m not used to being ogled.” Kaz rasped, his voice almost cracking.

 

            “On the contrary, I’m always ogling you. I just don’t get caught.” Inej said behind him. He could hear the smile in her voice as he tugged on the leather lead. Ally huffed when he brushed a hand down her soft snout.

 

            “Is that to say I get caught?” Kaz asked.

 

            “At least twice a day.”

 

            He looked at her incredulously, “You’re complaining?”

 

            “Never!” Inej held a hand to her chest, aghast. “I simply think you should make it a point to ogle me more!”

 

            “Alright, Ilene. Was that your name? I forgot.” Kaz grinned when Inej’s eyes widened, amusement glittering in her irises.

 

            “No, it’s Inej, Kellen. I suppose I can’t fault you. You must have forgotten my name because you spend so little time looking at me.”

 

            Kaz chuckled. “Oh, you know. I ogle everyone I see. Faces get blurred.”

 

            “I knew it. I demand a divorce, right after we sign our marriage license.” Inej huffed.

           

            “Now, now. Let’s not be hasty, Ingrid. We might be able to work this out.”

 

            “Never, Kallis. I could never marry a man who does not get caught ogling me at least four times a day.” She held up her fingers, laughter bubbling from her throat.

 

            “Noted. ‘Ogle my wife’ will be added to the top of my calendar every single day for the rest of my life.” Kaz smirked when her cheeks began to flush, the color even more noticeable in the dusky light. Her laughter was the kind that shook her shoulders, her black cotton shirt ran up along her midriff, exposing a delightful sliver of deep bronze.

 

            “We should jot these names down as usable aliases.” Kaz added as he grabbed his cane. She laughed harder and he hooked his arms around her waist, pulling her close against him.

 

            “You’re ridiculous.” Inej said breathlessly, the words tickling the base of his neck.

 

            “No, I’m just a forward thinker.” Kaz laid his chin atop her head. He could spy a few people in the distance, a shopkeeper smoking outside on his stoop. Some children haggling their parents as they loaded up a bale of hay into a wooden cart. He could hear the whinny of horses in the stables down the main street, smell the wisps of smoke from puffing chimneys of the homes in town.

 

            It was quiet. So quiet. Kaz wondered if that had truly been what he’d missed most about his childhood in the countryside. The sounds of life reduced to only the soft hush of calm. Unlike Ketterdam and it’s blaring clatter of carriage wheels, shouts and general chaotic symphony at all times of day.  

 

            “Let’s go.” Kaz sighed when Inej released him. She had to wiggle out of his hold, but she twisted their fingers together. He was wearing his gloves, but he still felt the warmth of her through the leather.

 

            “This way.” Kaz limped beside her as they crossed the thin stretch of road to the sidewalk.

 

            Most of Lij’s citizens were already gathered into the few taverns the town boasted, or home. After a workday in the fields, Kaz couldn’t fault them. Today’s weather must have slowed progress on multiple farms.  Only as they walked, did the rain finally stop all together.

 

            In near equidistant patches along the road, windows spilled golden puddles of light onto the uneven cobblestones. Closer to the center of town, Kaz spied several taverns with doors propped open to balance the moisture-heavy air of spring. Inej snorted when they passed a man half leaned up against a barrel, pissing into an alleyway, completely unbothered by his company.

 

            “Guess that doesn’t change between Ketterdam and Lij when you’re drunk.” Inej whispered to him.

 

            “Not really.” Kaz hummed. Laughter leaked from open doorways, glimpses of bar maids balancing trays filled with foaming ale.

 

            Kaz squinted against the descending black of the night toward the grassy patch in the center of town. He might have called it a park, but really it only held a foot path across it from lazy townsfolk and a single bench beneath one of the two oak trees. Lij itself was the park, he supposed. Surrounded by nothing but fields and farmland, what need did the village have for more open space?

 

            “Do you see her?” Inej asked quietly beside him. Kaz shook his head. Emilia was clearly not on the lone bench, and they could see straight across to the other side of the small clearing.

 

            “Over here.” Emilia called from the side of the clearing that was nearest the thin road that would lead back to her shop. Kaz saw the flare of a match, smelled the hint of smoke in the air. His aunt was leaned against the small brick fence beside the “park”, her ankles crossed, pipe in hand. Her hair looked refreshed, as if she’d taken the time to stop and pin stray pieces back into place.

 

            “I stopped at my shop. I have the documents Milan signed.” Emilia said as they approached, her voice low. He nodded as she reached into her pocket and pulled out an envelope and passed it straight to Inej. He glanced over Inej’s shoulder as she peeked inside. The writing was clear, distinguishable.

 

            Specht would make quick work of it.

 

            Inej tucked the envelope into his jacket pocket without asking. He glanced at her and her returning shrug seemed to say, “carry it”.  He stuffed the envelope down further and latched the button on the pocket shut.

 

            His aunt checked her watch and took a long drag of her pipe. Without further thoroughfare, Emilia kicked off the wall and began to waltz in the opposite direction. He and Inej followed without protest.

 

            Well, external protest. Internally, Kaz was making a thousand threats to extricate Emilia’s thoughts. She said she’d found a way to get Inej and the Queen into Kane’s fortress, but Kaz had no idea why they’d needed to trek into town, and he still hadn’t thought of a reason.

 

            “Are we going to eat before we…go to the Graveyard?” Inej queried when they fell into step beside Emilia.

 

            The woman shook her head. “No, we’re right on time.”

 

            “On time for what?” Kaz growled as he ran a hand through his hair. His cane clicked angrily on the rough stones that led them closer to the far edge of town.

 

            “I’ll explain when we get there.” Emilia waved them off, lips pressed in a determined line. The ends of her black coat fluttered with each of her brisk steps and Kaz toyed with the idea of stomping the end of his cane into the fabric to hold her in place for a single fucking second.

 

            “Don’t,” Inej warned in a whisper beside him. He tightened his hand on the head of his cane. “You should have eaten something, you’re getting… what does Nina call it? Hangry. Hangry is what you are.”

 

            “I am not whatever that is.” Kaz whispered under his breath.

 

            “Hangry. I like that term.” Emilia mumbled, her own way of indicating that she’d obviously heard them. “Nina is the friend you mentioned, the one with the… corpse rising ability, yes?”

 

            “Yes, my best friend.” Inej said softly. Kaz recalled that Inej had briefly mentioned Nina and her abilities when they’d been giving Emilia all the information about her voyage, seeing as the former heartrender would be on the ship right alongside Inej and Zoya Nazyalensky.

 

            “Tell me more about her abilities. Can she alter the appearance of the dead?” Emilia asked as they rounded a dark corner of the village. Quaint houses lined the road, small wooden garden gates separating tiny lawns from the road. A chicken clucked behind a fence; a cat hopped up to spy on them from a taller perch. Inej scratched it behind the ears as they passed, a soft mewl followed them.

 

            “No, she can’t… alter them. She can kind of… take from them. Dead flesh, I mean. She can cast it onto others, make their skin look dead. But it doesn’t feel like anything and as far as she’s practiced, that is about all she can alter. It’s more of a manipulation of dead flesh that fades after a time. But she can’t take bones and turn them into flesh or anything.” Inej answered quiet enough that only he and Emilia could hear, in case any windows were open along the road.

 

            “Corpsewitch. You said that’s her title in the Ravkan army?”

 

            “Kind of. She adopted the term.” Kaz replied. They’d not told Emilia that Nina had previously been a heartrender before jurda parem. To go into that story would have led to Kuwei Yul Bo’s auction, and his presumed death.

 

            “Interesting.” Emilia nodded. Kaz watched his aunt’s profile. Her eyes were focused ahead of them, dark and concentrated. They passed a flickering streetlamp at the end of the road. The bright snap looked like golden lightning in his aunt’s eyes. She was somewhere else, Kaz could tell. He knew that face, the language in her eyes.

 

            It was a language he was fluent in, this tongue of sheer concentration.

 

            “Why?” Kaz asked, unable to help himself. “Why are you asking about Nina?”

 

            Emilia tilted her head in his direction, finally pausing her steps. “Because I wanted to make sure that what I’m doing is necessary. Sounds like it is.”

 

            “What does that mean?” Inej piped up, flicking the long rope of her braid over her shoulder.

 

            Emilia sighed, glanced down at the small silver watch on her wrist. “Come on. I promise you’ll understand, but we need to go.”

 

            Kaz opened his mouth to protest, but his aunt was already walking again. He looked at Inej, pleading with his eyes for permission to stab the end of Emilia’s coattails with his cane again.

 

            She shook her head and dragged him along into the shadowy beginnings of night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            The iron gate loosed a high-pitched squeal as Emilia lurched it open. Dusk had faded quickly into true night. The last streetlight was at least a block behind them as they stood in the dark, right at the entrance to Lij’s cemetery.

           

            “We didn’t make it here before dark, but thankfully, I thought ahead.” Emilia said as she pulled a small lantern from the satchel she had on beneath her coat. Kaz hadn’t even noticed the bag.

           

            A match scraped against the base and oil sizzled as the lantern came to life in Emilia’s gloved hand. They followed her through the gate on the dirt path.

 

            Lij’s cemetery was entirely less ornate than the studded luxury of the crypts on Black Veil in Ketterdam. The memory of nights camped in a tomb with Inej and the rest of them played in the back of Kaz’s mind as they passed small headstones. Many were dirty, some chipped with generations spent in the elements. Willow trees shaded certain plots, the branches heavy with green gossamer vines.

           

            Kaz was glad that Ketterdam was too wet for more of these places. He didn’t like the imagery of square hollow spaces deep beneath the soil he treaded, some filled with bones, other with blackened flesh and maggots. At least Black Veil had boasted stone crypts above the too-moist ground. That, he could gladly abide by. The dead in their fancy little stone cages didn’t bother him.

 

            It was the dead in these spongy grass plots that he didn’t like, even as a full-grown man. There was something twisted and organic about it, something unnerving. It was not the same as his parent’s graves on the hill. That felt… right. That was their land, their home. They were side by side. It was normal. Normal, in a way that an entire city of tunnels that never actually linked beneath his feet was decidedly not.

 

            “Do the suli have cemeteries?” Kaz asked Inej, just to hear her speak. He knew the answer, she’d told him before. It was a distraction. His nose was trying to decide if he could truly smell decay in the air, even if he was certain it was his imagination. His sick mind, coming out to play a game.

 

            He was still calm; he wasn’t panicking by any means. It was more just a general unease. Kaz didn’t like this place. Nor did his dormant demons.

 

            Emilia glanced back at them, her lantern surrounding their strange trio in a sickly gold hue. Three golden ghosts amongst the silver masses.

 

            “No. I suppose if someone wished to be buried, we could. It’s not exactly a religious thing. It’s more a convenience to burn the bodies. Though, we do believe that our souls are free when we are burned, we get to join the saints faster. If you are buried, it takes years to become dust. Longer to be freed.” Inej answered gently. She thread one arm through his and then tucked her hands in her pockets.

           

            “Can you smell anything?” Kaz whispered only for Inej to hear.

 

            “No. Only the trees, Kaz.” She replied just as privately. He nodded, trying to let her words reassure him.

 

            It was ridiculous. He’d followed Nina into a morgue before. He’d hefted dead bodies into canals more times than he could count. Death surrounded him in Ketterdam, it surrounded everyone in the Barrel, really.

           

            What would a little decay do to him, anyways? He’d smelled it before and lived. Lived with it clinging to his body for weeks after he pulled himself out of fifth harbor, in fact. He was not nine years old anymore. This was probably a better smelling cemetery than Black Veil, seeing as this was out in the middle of nowhere, with fresh trees and shrubs and far less humidity.

 

            Kaz never thought he’d be grateful for the reaper’s barge. He was, in this moment. The dead should burn, if they were not like his parents. Why would anyone want to be locked in the ground next to neighbors they couldn’t choose who probably had worm problems?

 

            ‘You don’t like cemeteries.” Inej said, a statement rather than a question. Emilia was further along the path from them now, still striding on through the winding plots. It was larger than Kaz remembered, this place. In the dark distance, he could make out some of the few mausoleums. Emilia was striding toward their ominous shapes, creatures with wings and stone tablet teeth.

 

            Inej paused at a grave to their left, the headstone was newer, not yet entirely held together by grit and overgrown vines. Ghezen’s hands were carved from gray stone, fruits cascading down the sides of the intricate headstone.

 

            “Do you think Ghezen, or the Saints would win in a fight?” Inej asked with a side-eyed smirk in his direction.

 

            Kaz coughed over the rumbling laugh that poured out of him. A bird flew from the tree above them, jarred by his noise.

 

            “You’re right,” Inej said even though he’d not been able to answer. “It’s not a fair question. Ghezen has wealth, but the Saints have power without it.”

 

            “Ghezen’s a bitch.” Emilia startled them, the cherry red on the top of her pipe bowl glowing hot. Smoke left her mouth with her words. Kaz laughed again. They needed to stop doing that, he thought. Surprising him so easily, so kindly.  Distracting him.

 

            “I couldn’t agree more.” Inej chuckled.

 

            “I was going to say the Saints have you on their team. I’d bet on you every time.” Kaz grinned at Inej.

 

            “Stop flirting with me, Brekker.” Inej shook her head with an almost shy smile. “You already won.” She wagged her finger at him as she passed him, her engagement ring glittering.

 

            “Not too late to rethink that choice.” Emilia whispered to Inej with a smirk.

 

            “Hey, Aunt Emilia?” Kaz called.

 

            “Yes?”

 

            “Fuck off.” Kaz grinned when Emilia tossed her head back in laughter.

 

            They walked for only another minute or two before Emilia paused again, standing in front of two graves just off the path. Kaz and Inej came to stand beside her, the lantern gilding the etching on the stones.

 

            “Winstrad.” The graves both read. Jarick and Helba. One read “beloved husband”, the other the same, only with the minor correction of “wife”.  

 

            Emilia puffed on her pipe, blowing the smoke toward the graves. “I didn’t bother to lie when I ordered them. Elle didn’t want to, either.”

 

            “Your parents?” Inej asked, frowning down at the stones.

 

            “They were not beloved mother or father, but yes.” Emilia grimaced. Then, she spit right on top of the dirt.

 

            Kaz understood. These were his grandparents by blood, but they’d rejected their own daughter for her very nature. Something as unworthy of judgement as her sexuality. Not only that, but they’d sold Emilia to the highest bidder for marriage. Probably would have sold off his mother, if she’d not been fortunate enough to meet his father before they had a chance. A father Kaz was proud of, a father who had paid an archaic dowry just to be allowed to marry his mother. The woman he loved.

 

            Emilia looked on for only a moment more before she turned away and began walking once again. Kaz could see the dirt on the stones. There were no signs of them having ever been cleaned, in the past twenty plus years since they’d died. No dead bouquets of flowers, or decayed bundles of wheat for them.

 

            Kaz recalled the first time he’d ever laid eyes on his aunt, only days ago that felt so much longer. She’d been knelt in the dirt on the hill at his farm, cleaning her twin sister’s headstone. Dried marigolds had littered the entire base. She’d tended his father’s grave, too. Jordie’s.

 

            That said more to Kaz about Emilia’s character than maybe anything else she’d done.  

 

            Without another thought, Kaz spit on the dirt, too.

 

            He heard Inej stomp over the plots behind him, heard her hop on the dirt angrily.

 

He turned around and kissed her straight on the lips, slow yet fierce.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Emilia was waiting for them, at the very back of the cemetery. She stood in front of a hulking mausoleum, three stone steps leading up to the gray monstrosity. Her lantern was set on the first one, and before Kaz registered what she was doing with her hands at her sides, stretched and placating, a growl sounded.

 

            Inej froze beside him, her fingers tight on Sankt Petyr’s hilt at her belt. He hoisted his cane up slowly.

 

            “Don’t move.” Emilia said softly, backing toward them one step at a time. There on the steps to the mausoleum, a huge dog growled. His teeth glinted in the buttery lamplight, sharp and waiting. Black and brown with alert ears, the animal did not seem eager to move. His fur was bristled along his arched spine and strong legs.

 

            “Come on, Jax. You know me.” Emilia sighed. The dog’s ears twitched as his aunt crouched low, one hand outstretched toward him. It was clear he recognized his name.

 

            Then, Kaz saw Emilia’s hands move in a silent sign. A point, and then, she pressed her thumb to her chin, fingers wiggling. The dog whined low, easing his mouth closed. He wagged once before he took off back up the stairs and disappearing into the mouth of the crypt.

 

            “We’re clear.” Emilia stood, brushing her hands over her trousers before plucking up the lantern.

 

            Emilia had just used the silent language. Kaz knew the symbol she’d used, but he didn’t understand. Emilia had signed the word for “mother” and the dog, Jax, had listened.

 

            “Where is he going? Where’s his owner?” Inej asked, hand dropping from her blade with a relieved breath. Kaz had never seen Inej with the idea of having to kill an animal. He thought people might be easier for his avri, and that was saying something. He understood. He’d not have wanted to kill a dog, either.

 

            “Inside.” Emilia answered.

 

            Kaz and Inej shared a glance. They were standing in front of a tomb.

 

            “That’s tragic.” Inej frowned up at the building.

 

            “Huh?” Emilia turned over her shoulder to look at Inej, confusion written across her face for a split moment. “Oh! No. Not a resident. Not that kind, anyways.”

 

            “Is she insane?” Inej whispered as Emilia jogged up the steps.

 

            Kaz didn’t have an answer, yet. So, he settled for what he knew Jesper had once replied when Wylan had asked the same question about himself: “Maybe.”

 

 

 

 

 

INEJ

           

            Just inside the giant stone crypt, a door stood shaded by the marble awning. It was hidden in the crevice between the tomb proper and the outer doorway, a nestled little secret amongst the shadows.

 

            The door was ajar, Emilia doused the lantern. The light leaking from the bottom of the stairwell beyond the portal was enough to see by, Inej supposed.

 

            Nothing made sense.

 

            Emilia set the lantern against the wall just beside the door and reached for the handle. Inej felt Kaz’s hand at the small of her back, protective and guarded.

 

            “Breathe through your mouth, just in case.” Emilia said then, the words directed toward Kaz. Inej froze beside him. Emilia knew Kaz’s story, now. This was a crypt. There was only one reason Emilia might caution him and Inej didn’t like it.

 

            “I’m going to stomp on the way down, don’t be alarmed. I’ll talk first, I think that would be wise.” Emilia stated before she stepped beyond the doorway, heeled boots dropping against wooden stairs with more force than necessary.

 

            “We’re meeting someone?” Kaz called, stopping Emilia before she could make it more than a few steps down. Inej could feel his rising irritation. This plan… it was not meant to be shared. Emilia had not mentioned another person. Had not asked if anything could be shared… It couldn’t.

 

            Emilia sighed. “I know I’m going to get a verbal lashing, but can we at least wait until after I explain?”

 

            “No, we can’t. I trusted you with the fucking plans of this. I’m already regretting it.” Kaz growled, whisper low and entirely menacing. Dirtyhands.

 

            “No, you’re not trusting me, now. I wouldn’t share a thing you don’t want me to unless I have permission, and I’ve not shared a thing. You’re jumping to conclusions and being difficult in the process.” Emilia didn’t bother to whisper.

 

            Inej swallowed. Even what they’d just said… if someone heard…

 

            Emilia glared at Kaz and he her. Both of them breathed heavily, refusing to give an inch.

 

            “Breathe through your mouth.” Emilia reminded before turning back around.

 

            “What makes you think I’m going down?” Kaz called after her, barely whispering himself this time.

 

            “Because you’re like me. You’ve already taken the first step down because you’re pissed.” Emilia looked over her shoulder. Inej looked at Kaz, who was indeed already a step down. She hadn’t even registered his movement.

 

            “Fuck me.” Kaz rolled his eyes as Emilia descended, further and further from them.

 

            “That would be disrespectful to whoever is in that box over there.” Inej replied with a jut of her chin toward the stone coffin atop a dais in the center of the crypt behind them.

 

            Kaz snorted, his hand ran through his black hair.

 

            She reached for his fingers and stepped down to join him. They locked eyes, and together, they made the choice to stomp down the stairs after Emilia.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Emilia waited for them at the bottom of the stairs that ended in a brick wall directly ahead, but an open doorway to the right. The brick glowed with light from the room beyond.

 

            Kaz was breathing through his mouth, silent. Inej squeezed his hand. She did smell it. Decay. It was sickly sweet, with something molten and dark underneath. It was a smell she couldn’t forget, didn’t think anyone could, really. That wasn’t the only scent, though. There was something else in the air, something like chemicals, sterile and striking.

 

            Emilia led them through the door in the basement of a mausoleum. Inej had not known what to expect, but it was not what she found.

 

            The room was large, lit by glowing gas sconces on the brick walls. It was bright, her eyes took a moment to adjust. Directly across from the door, Inej could see shelves behind glass cabinet doors. Shelves that were littered with tiny glass vials and jars of powders, all in varying sizes and shapes and colors. She could see jars of liquid with masses in the middle, undistinguishable from across the space. Above, the ceiling was covered in brass pipes, the metal shined in the bright light.

 

            Inej nearly stumbled into a metal table of sorts, an island in the middle of the room. Above the table, a rack hung suspended from the pipes. Knives and axes and… scalpels, glittered silver and clean.

 

            Inej looked up from the table, startled at the whine of Jax, who was wagging at Emilia, drool dripping from his lolling tongue.

 

            Then, a fleshy plop drew her attention across the room. Situated under a free-standing lamp, another table like the one she’d just encountered stood. This table was backed by an entire wall of silver gridding, little doors carved straight into the wall.

 

            This table was not empty. This table was covered by a body. A body whose chest cavity was clamped open with clips on skin that shoulder never have been able to fold that way.

 

            Above the body, red hair glistened in a plait down a feminine back. She hunched over the corpse, and another fleshy pop sounded in the echoing space.

 

            Kaz breathed heavy, but his eyes were clear beside her.

 

            The woman turned around when Jax rubbed on her legs.

 

            Inej’s breath caught. It was the woman from town, the red-lipped saint of Lij. Inej had seen her, their first day in the village. She’d sworn the woman had recognized Kaz, but this was as close as Inej had ever seen her. She definitely recognized Kaz. The woman’s deep blue eyes narrowed on him, not unkindly, but hopeful.

 

            Inej swallowed the odd feeling that lodged itself between her molars. It felt like a slug going down her throat.

 

            The woman had a heart in her hand. A human heart. It fell to the ground in a splatter of blood.

 

            “Lily?” Kaz whispered.

 

            “Fuck.” Lily answered, her voice husky and annoyed when she spotted Emilia beside them.

 

            Emilia wiggled her fingers in greeting.

 

            “Hey, Lil. I sent Jax to let you know you had visitors.” Emilia said, voice at a normal volume, but her words slightly slower. Inej glanced between Kaz and Lily. He did not move. He barely breathed.

 

They were staring at each other while a heart laid on the ground, forgotten.

 

“This one, right?” Emilia asked Lily. Inej watched as Emilia walked and opened a latch on one of the small silver doors. Lily glanced at Emilia, but her eyes returned to Kaz. Lily was wearing some sort of apron, probably once white, but now stained with blood and gore. Underneath, Inej could tell the woman wore trousers, some sort of loose tunic.

 

Inej nearly jumped when Emilia rolled out a tray from the wall, long enough to house a body. But instead of a corpse, this tray held liquor bottles. Inej wanted to laugh at the absurdity. The bottles shook as the tray settled on its wheels.

 

Then, it clicked.

 

Lily. Inej remembered the name. Lily was the name of the girl Jordie had loved. The girl Kaz and his brother had learned sign language for.

 

Oh. That was why Emilia annunciated so clearly… so Lily could read her lips. She was deaf. Emilia had stomped to make the staircase shake.

 

Lily… the mortician?

 

“Catch!” Emilia called to Kaz as she tossed a small flask in his direction. Kaz barely caught it, fumbling his cane. His eyes dragged away from Lily, slow and resistant.

 

Inej swallowed again, uncomfortable. She wasn’t even certain why.

 

“Drink that. It’ll knock the scent right out of you.” Emilia said as she met Kaz’s eyes. “You’re going to need it.”

 

“Not the good batch.” Lily mumbled.

 

Kaz opened the flask, sniffed. His eyes widened.

 

He tipped it back and took a deep swallow.

 

Inej had never seen Kaz make a face when taking hard liquor. He grimaced, now. His nose scrunched. Lily almost smiled. Emilia laughed.

 

“Fuck,” Kaz glanced at the flask in his hand, there was no label that Inej could see. “That’s strong.”

 

“Home brewed.” Lily said, her hands signing to Kaz in tandem.

 

“That, dear nephew, is ninety-eight proof Lij Lakeshine.” Emilia smirked. “Drink some more and maybe we can all have a civilized conversation about why I want to temporarily kill your wife.”

 

Inej caught his cane before it could clatter against the ground.

Notes:

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SOOOOOOOOOO?????? SOOOOOOOOOOOOO??? *screechy author noises*

Chapter 153: Tarnished Silver Hearts

Summary:

Knowledge is revealed.

Notes:

CHAPTER 153!!!!!

OKAY. I'm going to keep this short and sweet, but this is dense ya'll. I know. I almost cut half of it but I liked it so we're here. It's long. I hope it's worth it. <3 Please forgive some of the quality, I had wayyyy less time to edit so I might even come back to it later but I hope it's still readable. <3 I love you all! AHHH. I'm a lil nervous.

Thank you for everything, forever and always. I will never stop saying it. I appreciate you all every day. <3

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I NEED REASSURANCE! Come talk to me in the comments???<3 (seriously i'm so nervous over this one, i've been waiting so long to get here it's ridiculous.)

"Take My Leave Of You" by Olafur Arnalds, Arnor Dan (Lily's talent demonstration!!! VIBES! LISTEN!)

INEJ

 

            Thirty seconds passed, then forty. Kaz was staring at Emilia, and Emilia was dutifully picking at her already perfect cuticles, leaned back against the wall of doors.

 

            Corpse sheds? Inej couldn’t think of a better term. In suli, or in Kerch. In the back of her mind, Inej wondered how many dead were currently in their company.

 

            Emilia did not shift under the weight of Kaz’s eyes. Even as she toyed with her fingers, she met his gaze head on. Inej nudged Kaz’s thigh with his cane, his fingers blindly grasping at it.

 

            Lily was staring, too. At Inej. At Kaz, again. Jax was clearly the most comfortable of all of them, his tail wagged as he rolled on the floor in front of Lily’s table. The corpse looked rather content as well, Inej thought dumbly.

 

            “I’m Inej.” Inej finally spoke, her words pounded against the walls and hammered into puffed chests. She spoke lowly, eyes on Lily. Inej had spoken with Cara in Aska Vasman, a deaf child who had a harder time reading lips than it appeared Lily did. Inej was suddenly grateful for that experience all over again, for different reasons.

 

            “In-eej?” Lily tilted her head. Her voice was warm, smoky. Even clad in gore, the woman was entirely stunning. Her hair was like a ruby melted on the sun’s surface, glowing maroons and golds. The light woke colors amongst the strands framing her pale face, kissed by a smattering of freckles over the ridge of a feminine nose.

 

            “No, um…” Inej floundered. Warmth crept up her collarbones, embarrassing and telling.

 

            Inej reached for the edge of the empty table behind her. “Inej,” She repeated, fingers trailing over the lip of the table. Lily’s navy-blue eyes squinted, following Inej’s movement.

 

            “In-edge?” Lily asked.

 

            Kaz moved beside her. He shook his head, hands gesturing in a series of symbols. Inej saw his cane tucked under his arm, along with the flask of liquor Emilia had tossed him. He mouthed the letters of her name. He looked away just as quickly.

 

            “Oh, Inej.” Lily nodded. “I almost had it. Accents are sometimes harder to read. Good use of the table.”

 

            “Thank you,” Inej answered, a tad sheepish. Kaz was staring at Emilia again, spine straighter than a blade, chest heaving. Neither of them seemed to look in her direction, or Lily’s, for that matter.

 

            “Your… heart.” Inej pointed to the organ on the ground, just behind Lily.

 

            “Fuck.” Lily jolted, she knelt to pick up the fleshy mass, blood dripping as she turned back to the corpse on the table, his nude lower half covered by a simple white sheet.

 

            “He won’t mind. He always said he was a heart breaker.” Lily mumbled under her breath, the words a little muddled. Inej couldn’t help but let a smile loose, even when Lily dropped the organ right back into the man’s chest. There was no ceremony to the movement, no caution. It wasn’t sentimental.

 

            Jax whined low and stood from his previous comfort. The dog promptly stood at Lily’s feet; ears perked. The woman went to reach for his ears before frowning at her bloody gloves. Inej followed his eyes to Kaz and Emilia.

 

            Kaz had not moved, neither had Emilia. Inej felt what their canine companion had clearly picked up on. Anger, as stifling and crisp as having one’s face shoved into cold water.

 

            In truth, only a minute or two had passed at all since they’d entered Lily’s… space.

 

            “I still don’t know why you’re here.” The mortician spoke as she peeled off her soiled gloves.

 

            “We’ll be leaving,” Said Kaz. His eyes didn’t leave Emilia, but he signed to Lily. Inej wondered if Emilia had a death wish when she rolled her eyes.

 

            “What?” Kaz asked, a manic sort of laughter on the ends of his words. Inej knew the tone of his voice. He was going to shut down this entire conversation if Emilia pushed him too far.

 

            “You didn’t even ask me what I brought you here for.” Emilia replied, cool and poised. Inej tried not to feel bad as Lily squinted and at each word. This was rude.

 

            “You’re both being rude.” Inej mumbled, jarring two sets of shark eyes to her. Thankfully, Inej was quite accustomed to those eyes and their fierceness. She had her own ire available, if the Brekkers’ wanted to play.

 

            For now, neither of them were showing Rietveld or Winstrad. This was all barrel born pigheadedness. Emilia may have never trodden Kaz’s kingdom, but she surely fit the bill of blazing tenacity and rude, in that moment. Just as much as her nephew.

 

            “She said the words ‘kill’ and ‘my wife’ in the same sentence. You, Inej. You.” Kaz challenged, the words indignant and hot. He scoffed when Inej lifted a brow.

 

            “’Temporarily’ is the operative word you seem to have forgotten.” Emilia pursed her lips, arms folded over her chest.

 

            Just then, a mallet struck metal. The sound ricocheted, glaring and violent. Inej clasped her hands over her ears as she turned around slowly.

 

            Lily knelt with one hand clasped protectively over Jax’s ears, in the other, she held a mallet against the leg of her metal table. The corpse vibrated for another full breath before the sound ceased. Well, a breath for the more… alive of them all.

 

            Lily stood slowly. Her eyes were blazing, blue ice chips.

 

            “I hope that was awful for all of you. Me? Not a thing.” The red head smirked.

 

            “Lil,” Kaz said, finally looking away from Emilia. Inej couldn’t place the lilt to his words. It was a guilty sort of sound, the letters of her shortened name in Kaz’s mouth. He was grimacing through the dull ring still echoing in the enclosed space. Jax whimpered, danced on his paws anxiously.

 

            Inej wondered how her avri felt, now. After all these years, he was faced with Lily. The girl Jordie had loved, even so young. His brother’s avri, in another life. A kinder one.

 

            “Don’t.” Lily shook her head violently. She dropped her mallet to the table, the sound less jarring, but still crashing through the awkward room. Kaz took a long and silent breath. “Don’t you dare, Kaz Rietveld.”

 

            “How do you know each other?” Kaz demanded then, gesturing between Lily and Emilia. Inej glanced at his aunt, who was now sorting through liquor bottles on the tray beside her, face casual.

 

            “Not your business.” Lily replied. Inej herself wanted to shrink under the words. They held no kindness. No warmth. Inej also understood. They’d all barged down here, and then Lily had been ignored in her own place.

 

            After all these years, Inej wondered what Lily felt, too. She’d glimpsed Kaz in town, just as Inej had seen her. At first, Inej had seen Lily look almost hopeful to actually see Kaz.  She knew Jordie was dead, she had to. Right? Had Emilia come to her, told her about Kaz? If they knew each other, it was possible.

 

            “Lily.” Emilia straightened. “My apologies. I know our visit was unexpected.”

 

            Lily scoffed, dipped her eyes as she walked toward the wall behind her, where Inej now noticed a deep porcelain sink basin jutted out of the bricks. She washed her hands, Jax nearly between her legs. A loyal companion, if not a bit tactless in avoiding the puddle of blood on the ground from the heart. Inej watched red paw prints appear across the bright white floor tiles.

 

            Lily turned back to all of them, sparing only a glance to the corpse on the table.

 

            “I know you haven’t seen each other in years…” Emilia began the moment she knew Lily could see her mouth.

 

            “Unless you mean yesterday, incorrect.” Lily replied.

 

            Inej felt something cold and murky slide around her gut. Kaz had seen Lily… and he’d not told her? Not even mentioned her once since they’d come to Lij?

 

            Emilia looked as confused as Inej. At least that cleared up whether Emilia had spoken to the woman before they’d come here. Emilia met Inej’s eyes from across the room briefly.

 

            Inej glanced at Kaz from the corner of her eye and found him looking at her already, perhaps for the first time since they’d arrived. Inej didn’t let him hold her eye. She looked away, formed a mask and slipped it on right over the confused woman she was.

 

            “You didn’t know?” Lily looked at Inej now. Clearly, Lily had expected her to. That fact made the confusion harden in Inej’s belly, a rock of misplaced emotion.

 

            “Not my business.” Inej replied with a lift of a careless shoulder.

 

            “Inej.” Kaz rasped. Inej glanced at him but spared him no more than a blink. She could not analyze his eyes, now.

 

            Inej trusted him. Trusted Kaz more than anyone else in the entire world. He’d never withheld information without a reason. He always had a reason.

 

            Inej just wasn’t sure she wanted to know this one, yet. No, that wasn’t quite true. She didn’t want to learn of it when her own death had been casually tossed around a morgue twice now.

 

            “None of this is useful.” Emilia mumbled. Inej took a step toward the table behind her.

 

            “I’m sorry.” Lily signed in tandem with her words, or at least Inej thought she spoke the same thing in both languages. “I didn’t even shake your hand. My bitterness is not toward a stranger.”

 

            Inej’s lips tipped up, a hesitant thing of a smile. She was grateful that Lily was keen enough to change the subject, and quickly.

 

            “It’s alright,” Inej annunciated quietly. “They’re just used to people listening to them.” She jutted a finger toward Kaz and Emilia.

 

            “Good thing I don’t listen to anyone.” Lily smirked. Her cheeks rounded slightly; a pale pink flush highlighted her temples.

 

            For a moment, Inej froze. Then, Emilia snorted.

 

            “It’s alright, I intended the pun.” Lily said. Amusement lingered in the corners of her full lips.

 

            Inej couldn’t help it, she laughed. She laughed harder than the joke warranted, but it didn’t matter. The entirety of the day had been ridiculous. All of it. She’d started the morning wrapped in Kaz’s naked arms, ended it in a morgue after her fiancé’s aunt suggested her death. Temporarily. Whatever that meant.

 

            Jax barked at her as she caught herself on the empty table, hand wrapped around her middle and eyes watering. The dog wagged and looked up at her.

 

            “Sorry,” Inej wheezed under all of their gazes. “It’s all just funny.”

 

            “Inej.” Kaz called and Inej laughed harder when she saw the concern in his eyes.

 

            He took a step toward her and Inej backed up. She ignored the flash of hurt in his eyes. She needed to compose herself, without his touch.

 

            A moment later, Inej was breathing again. She toyed with her braid as she sucked in air.

 

            “I think you needed a laugh.” Lily signed as she spoke, soft and husky. Inej could only nod as she wiped at the corners of her eyes.

 

            “I did. Thank you.”

 

            Emilia was looking at her, just as carefully as Kaz. Inej hated it, in that moment. She wasn’t fragile. She wasn’t an eggshell to be stepped over with pitying steps. It was just a lot. All of it. Everything.

 

            “Now, then. Why are you here?” Lily drug her gaze away from Inej. At least someone wasn’t pitying her.

 

            “Intruding. That’s what we’re doing. Apologies.” Kaz said the words in the silent language and aloud.

 

            Lily’s eyes narrowed on him. Inej noticed Kaz’s throat bobbing on a swallow.

 

            “That’s all you have for me, then? Half-assed apologies?” Lily signed with annoyed movements. She spoke the words only after she finished signing.

 

            Kaz blinked at her, shoulders tight. Inej didn’t quite understand Lily’s anger. What could Kaz have done? He’d been gone for a decade and change.

 

            “That’s not why we’re here.” Emilia spoke as she inspected a label on a green bottle filled with shuddering liquid. Inej swore she saw gold flakes shimmer against the glass.

 

            “Annunciate.” Lily groaned. “That’s all I ask of you.”

 

            Emilia glanced up, looking as close to guilty as Inej had seen her thus far. Kaz was already translating to Lily, though stilted. Inej could tell his use of the language was still rusty, based on Lily’s squint and slow nod.

 

            “Did you even translate what I said?” Emilia asked, a single dark brow raised.

 

            “Trust me.” Kaz smirked sarcastically, tossing his aunt’s words from earlier right back at her.

 

            “Okay.” Inej said shakily before Kaz could subject himself to a liquor bottle being hurled at his head. “I’m Kaz’s fiancé. You have a lovely… er, laboratory.”

 

            Lily took longer to nod, but Inej thought she understood. For this moment, Inej cursed the accent that lingered around the shape of her Kerch. Inej also wanted Lily to know that was… well, family. Would be. Not just a stranger, not just a friend.

 

            Kaz took a swig of the flask he’d tucked in his pocket.

 

            “Are you alright?” Emilia asked him softly, a small peace offering between aunt and nephew.

 

            “It’s not so bad.” Kaz grimaced. Inej noted the way he took a second drink, though. The smell of decay was only drowned out so much against the chemicals in the room.

 

            “What made you decide to be a mortician?” Inej asked, hoping to give Kaz a moment. She knew it was not what she should be focused on. Inej also knew that she was dreading the rest of the conversation, whatever led to her death, supposedly.

 

            Lily looked at her for a long moment. She tucked a crimson strand of hair behind her ear and shrugged. “I’m a sucker for a good conversation.”

 

            Kaz choked on his drink. Emilia’s eyebrows lifted in surprise.

 

            “And they are always so chatty.” Lily leaned against the table with the corpse. “I’m a good listener.” She patted the dead man’s leg through the sheet.

 

            Inej stared, laughter bubbling in her throat all over again. Even Kaz was smiling down at the flask in his hands. Inej’s chest tightened at the sight of the dimple in his cheek.

 

            Lily was staring at him, too. She cleared her throat when he looked up, her gaze darting away. Inej wondered what Lily saw when she looked at Kaz. Did she see the boy she’d known? Did she see Jordie as he could have been?

 

            Lily removed her apron and hung it on a hook by the sink basin.

 

            Jax bumped against Kaz’s leg and Inej watched as his hand scratched him behind the ears. Joy lit his eyes as the dog whined and his whole rear shook with wags.

 

            “You’re a good boy.” Kaz rasped down to him.

 

            “You’re the one who brought them here. Why?” Lily turned her gaze to Emilia in the corner. Emilia, who was now scanning the wall of doors and the labels Inej had not previously noticed. The woman stood on her toes to get a better look on one inscription before dropping back down.

 

            “Kaz.” Emilia said then, turning around to face them.

 

            Lily rapped her fingernails against the metal table, watching the exchange intently.

 

            “Now that you know who I brought you to meet, will you listen to my explanation?” Emilia asked, gaze settling on her nephew’s face.

 

            Inej watched as Kaz deliberated, glancing between Lily and Emilia.

 

            “Lily, do you want us to go?” Emilia continued before he could reply. Lily seemed to be biting the inside of her cheek, thinking.

 

            “Inej, do you trust me enough to listen, and know I would never suggest your true death?”

 

            Inej watched as Emilia shifted her neck, facing each of them as she spoke, always keeping her lips in sight of Lily. Clearly, Emilia didn’t know the silent language. Maybe a word or two for Jax, but no more than that.

 

            “What are you doing?” Kaz asked.

 

            “Playing liaison between the two parties that might make your… objective, possible.”

 

            “What does Lily have to do with… everything else?” Kaz grimaced, his wrist flicking with irritation.

 

            “What is everything else?” Lily stepped once, toward Kaz. Her hands moved so quickly that Inej wondered how brilliant someone must be to keep up. Kaz levels of brilliance, apparently.

 

            A pipe above them groaned. Jax panted. Fear whispered.

 

            “What did you bring them here to see, Emilia?” Lily said lowly when Kaz didn’t immediately answer.

 

            “Exactly what you think, unfortunately.” Emilia raised her chin and spoke even slower than before, hesitant and still bold.

 

            “Did you tell them?” Lily stepped back, a scowl decorating her mouth.

 

            Inej hefted herself up to sit on the empty table, crossing one leg over the other. It was clear this was only the beginning. Kaz looked over at her and Inej didn’t quite meet his eyes. She didn’t even know why. She wasn’t angry, exactly. Kaz had withheld something from her, something private. He was entitled to that. Still, she was… uneasy.

 

            “No.” Emilia answered, her voice stern.

 

            “Tell us what, exactly? I ask again, how do you know each other?” Kaz implored impatiently.

 

            “I needed practice subjects for the needle thing. Lily had patients that wouldn’t mind.” Emilia answered casually.

 

            Inej turned to Lily. The undertaker seemed surprised by Emilia’s confession.

 

            “I trust my nephew. I trust Inej.” Emilia said, only to Lily. “They know who I am. What I’ve done.”

 

            “Why should I?” Lily asked, glacial eyes focused on Kaz. “Why should I trust anyone here? You and I might share a friendship, Emilia, but I don’t know him. Not like I did, once. Or thought I did.”

 

            Inej’s spine straightened.

 

            “Don’t speak of someone you don’t know, or of a life you were not present for.” Inej warned when Lily looked up. Inej had hopped from the table, hard enough that her boots had vibrated against the ground.

 

            “Inej.” Kaz said, his voice hoarse and rough. She knew what she’d find if she looked into his eyes. He’d tell her she didn’t need to defend him, now. She felt differently.

 

            “Don’t speak of a life you were not a part of, either.” Lily said harshly.

 

            Kaz shifted on his feet uneasily.

 

            “For fucks sake.” Emilia shook her head. “Kaz, translate. Inej, keep your knives in their sheaths. Lily, please just listen. Everyone, just listen.” Emilia said.

 

            Kaz leaned his cane beside him, hands free. Inej sat back atop the table. Clearly, they’d both come to the same conclusion. Answers were a better use of time than an argument. Or arguments.

 

            “If you mention killing Inej again, I’ll kill you.” Said Kaz, a whispered threat.

 

            “We’re already in a morgue and you dressed for the occasion. I can work with that." Emilia snapped. Inej spied the glint of amusement in her dark eyes, it mirrored in Kaz’s own face.

 

            “No extra bodies, please. I’m already swamped this week.” Lily muttered under her breath.

 

            “I’ll do my best.” Emilia mumbled.

 

            “Lily, we came here because you have a unique…talent. One I have not shared and will not, without your permission.” Emilia began. Kaz’s face was contorted with confusion, but he signed to Lily anyhow. The red head didn’t move, only watched what Kaz told her.

 

            Fear wrapped its arms around Inej’s shoulders in the form of a shiver.

 

            “Kaz and Inej are faced with a situation that could be greatly served by your talent. A situation I will also not share unless I have permission, from both of them.”

 

            Lily toyed with a necklace that hung just above her tunic. Previously hidden by her apron, a tarnished silver heart hung from a chain. It looked like the lockets Kerch women sometimes wore, the ones with little sketches of children or husbands inside.

 

            Kaz’s hands dropped when he spotted the necklace. Inej didn’t understand why his lips parted. He breathed deep through his nose, clearly without thinking. Then, he was coughing. It was made worse by his obvious attempt to suppress it.

 

            “Kaz.” Inej said softly. He shook his head and reached into his pocket for the flask. Instead of drinking more, he sniffed the open bottle. Inej watched as his breathing evened out, a little slow, but steady and through his mouth. Lily watched; head tilted.

 

            Kaz’s face was hard and unreadable when he looked back at the undertaker. She no longer touched the pendant at her throat. Inej glanced between the two of them before deciding on Emilia’s neutral face, instead.

 

            Kaz’s aunt was looking at Lily’s necklace, too. She didn’t look as… off, as Kaz did, though.

 

            Inej implored the Saints for patience silently. Patience for Emilia’s words and Kaz’s honesty. Patience for herself, and the lump of anxiety that she couldn’t seem to shake from her windpipe.

 

            Inej was all needles, waiting to puncture whoever interrupted Emilia next. She wanted to rip the entire bandage off at once. She felt like she’d been peeling at raw skin for two bells.

 

            “Don’t you dare.” Emilia said then, a lethal sentence.

 

            Inej didn’t understand until she saw Lily’s hands drop from the back of her neck beneath her plait. The woman had begun to unclasp her necklace.

 

            Lily looked at Kaz. His dark eyes flicked between the heart pendant and Lily’s face just once. He shook his head. “Keep it.” Kaz said, a gesture following. “It was a gift rightfully given.”

 

            Lily’s eyes widened before she looked down at her hands. Inej could see her long lashes flutter, lashes that were emphasized by the thin line of coal on her lids.

 

            “I know, but one of you should have it.” Lily mumbled. Emilia huffed, profanities lingering under her breath.

 

            “No.” Kaz’s voice cut through the room, sharp and wholly unyielding. A command, if Inej had ever heard one.

 

            Inej twisted her hands around.

 

            For the first time, Inej felt like an outsider in the same room as Kaz. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t reasonable.

 

            It was only the truth. Kaz and Lily spoke a language she couldn’t comprehend, and it was only partially formed in the silent gestures.

 

            Inej didn’t like the feeling that grappled her when she saw Lily smile softly, elegant and pretty. Nothing harsh about it.

 

            That was the type of girl a Rietveld would have loved.

 

            That was the type of girl a Rietveld had loved.

 

            It was not jealousy, but the cousin of it. It was not envy, but the parent of it. Inej knew that Kaz did not see Lily in any way that he saw her, there had never once been a moment that Inej questioned his loyalty or devotion in that way. Never.

 

            Rather, it was that Inej knew he could have seen a girl like Lily, once, and fallen helplessly. Before the world had scorned him, back when he’d only been a farm boy. Back when he’d seen magic in vivid sunsets and sowed happiness by running through wide open spaces.

 

            For a moment, Inej mourned. For Kaz. For the boy he’d been. For the boy Jordie had been.

 

            For the boys who deserved kind smiles to mirror and warm hands to hold. For the boys who loved girls like Lily Arbor.

 

            She mourned for the man Jordan Rietveld could have become, and for Lily Arbor, who could have loved men like him.

 

 

KAZ

 

            Lily Arbor watched him like a blue-eyed hawk. Each of his gestures felt slowed, entirely inadequate. At least they were clear enough for her to understand, when combined with watching the other’s lips.

 

            Inej was sitting on an autopsy table nearby. She had not looked at him in too long. Kaz wanted to blurt words to her that were not meant for this room. He’d not told her he’d seen Lily, and while Inej had hidden it quickly, he’d still seen the flash of something in her warm eyes. Something he didn’t like.

 

            Something that looked a whole lot like hurt. Even if he knew she would respect his privacy, he wanted her to know why he’d not… Why he hadn’t been able to talk about Lily. Emilia had been enough. Lij had been enough. His brother’s letter had been enough. The love of his brother’s short life had been too much.

 

            Surely, Inej trusted him. Surely, she knew he’d only not shared because he’d not… he hadn’t known what to do with his previous encounter with Lily by the stream on the farm the afternoon prior.

 

            Looking at Lily felt like seeing a ghost, too. Looking at Lily felt like facing Jordie. It was hard to look at her. Harder still to see her smile, even slightly. She’d been like an older sister to him, once. She’d chased him right alongside Jordie through the wheat fields. He could remember her laugh, a quiet noise like the hush of wheat. He could remember the duet between his brother’s laugh and Lily’s. Percussion at different tempos, matched by the thunder of their feet against the ground as they entertained him with a chase.

 

            The man Kaz was now wished suddenly that he’d let them be alone more often. That he’d shared Jordie, just a little bit.

 

            His brother had loved her. Kaz Brekker had once believed that love was impossible in any case, but even more so that young.

 

            Then, Kaz had been fifteen and sitting at a desk. He’d been fifteen when a girl’s laugh had stopped time in it’s tracks and made the sun weep rays of magic on her cheeks.

 

            Kaz had been fifteen, only two years older than his brother, when he’d begun to fall in love. It hadn’t been temporary or young. It had been old and forever.

 

            Looking at Lily forced Kaz to face the reality of his heart break, if Inej didn’t come home to him. Forced him to realize that the love he’d found in his blackened heart came with an echoing cost of fear.

 

            The locket on Lily’s neck was proof enough. The day before, Kaz hadn’t recognized it. The sun had been harsh, and Kaz had been too strung out on emotion to think anything of it. But now… Kaz knew.

 

Lily had never forgotten Jordie. Jordan Rietveld had given her that necklace on the day he’d said goodbye to her, two kids in the middle of nowhere, hoping they’d see each other again in the end.

 

            Just like the song said.

 

            “You don’t mind do you, Kaz?” Jordie had asked, the silver heart dangling from his fingers, freshly fished from the tiny box of their mother’s things. Things that were intended to be sold with the farm, just like everything else.

 

            Kaz looked at Mama’s necklace. He’d almost taken it himself, once. Then, Kaz had thought about the little iron ring under the floorboards. He’d taken that, instead. Kaz hadn’t asked Jordie’s permission. Or Da’s… when he’d been alive.

 

            “No.” said Kaz. “I think Lily will like it.”

 

            “Me too, squirt.” Jordie tucked the necklace into his pocket. “I just wanted your permission, too.”

 

            Just then, a knock sounded from the door and Jordie ruffled his hair once before trotting down the steps. Kaz had stared at the hollow floorboard and wondered if he should put his mother’s ring back into the box. Maybe the appraisers would give him and his brother more kruge if it was included, a replacement for the necklace.

 

            Something stopped Kaz, though. Maybe it was the thought that he needed to go say goodbye to Lily, too. Maybe it was the thought that if the ring stayed under the floorboards, the house would still be his. Still be theirs, somehow.

 

            Maybe it was just that Kaz wanted to take it out someday and give it to a pretty girl that made him smile like Jordie did when he saw Lily Arbor.

 

            Now, Kaz was glad of that secret choice he’d made at nine-years-old.

 

            He’d put that iron ring on his wife’s finger on September the seventh.

 

            “What situation are they in that could need my… help?” Lily was asking Emilia now. Kaz shook his head of memories. The plan. Whatever Emilia had brought them here for.

 

            Focus, Brekker. Get your shit together.       

 

            Kaz watched Emilia fiddle with a bottle on the tray, corking and uncorking it in near silent pops. She hummed once, a noncommittal noise that made Kaz lean a little more toward murderous. He opened his mouth but his fiancé beat him to the punch.

 

            “Why were you so intent on checking the time if it was just Lily here?” Inej asked suddenly, her brows pinched. Good question, darling.

 

            “She doesn’t want to get caught.” Lily answered, clearly having read Inej’s lips well enough.

 

            “Get caught by who?” Kaz asked, repeating his question for Lily with his hands.

 

            Emilia swallowed delicately and her lips pursed as she leaned back against the ice chambers in the wall.

 

            Lily didn’t respond, her eyes linked to Emilia’s by a thread of knowledge that himself and Inej clearly didn’t have privy to.

 

            “Not important.” Emilia flicked her wrist. Kaz didn’t miss the way she glanced at her watch through the motion. Interesting.

 

            “We’re not getting anywhere.” Inej groaned agitatedly. Her fingers were wrapped around the lip of the table, legs swaying above the ground. Without thinking of it, Kaz limped closer to her, leaned beside her against the table.

 

            Inej’s eye caught his. Kaz saw questions there, and beneath it, something sad. Something glinting like tarnished silver hearts.

 

            His hand reached for her thigh. He needed to touch her, ground himself back here. He squeezed when he felt one of her hands lay over his own gloved knuckles.

 

            “No, we’re not getting anywhere.” Emilia was expressing. “To get somewhere, I need one of you to trust the other. I can’t speak until that happens.”

 

            Lily scratched Jax behind the ears, her face turned down. For a moment, Kaz thought she’d not seen Emilia speaking, but then she nodded softly.

 

            “If I… If I tell you what Emilia knows about me, I need to know that it won’t leave this room.” Lily said, her words soft and hesitant. She signed them to him, too. Silently, she added, “Promise me on Jordan’s grave.”

 

            Kaz wanted to recoil. He wanted to vomit. He wanted to down the rest of the flask and hope it knocked him on his ass far enough to shake the memory of this morgue from his plagued mind.

 

            He signed, but he didn’t speak. He didn’t want to remove his hand from Inej’s leg, but he forced himself to do it.

 

            “I can’t do that.” Kaz said silently. Lily didn’t look away from him.

 

            “Then I can’t tell you.” She signed with a harsh shake of her head. Kaz heard Emilia make some quip to Inej. He heard her laugh, distant as if through a wall of glass.

 

            “That’s my brother.” Kaz whispered. He felt Inej straighten beside him at the words. “Don’t make me do that.”

 

            Emilia sucked in a tight breath.

 

            Lily stared at him, long and unrelenting. Her blue eyes were stained with glass, far more unholy than a chapel window. His gut twisted in on itself, over and over again.

 

            Kaz couldn’t make promises on Jordie’s grave, not anymore. He’d made one, once. That promise had been fulfilled, after a decade of tearing himself apart by the veins that pumped their shared blood.

 

            No secret was worth his brother’s bones being carved with more words.

 

            Emilia moved in the corner of his eye, but he couldn’t stop looking at Lily, at the single tear that wobbled down her cheek.

 

            I’m sorry, Jordie. I can’t fix this. Only you could, brother. Only you.

 

            “Lil.” Emilia walked to Lily’s side, jarring her head to turn from him. Kaz turned away too, toward Inej.

           

            He didn’t think before he leaned toward her, sucked in a breath against her hair that smelled like her jasmine soap from Ketterdam and the earthy scent of dried rain. It blocked out the decay, the sickly-sweet lingering in every pocket of air that was not her.

 

            He stayed that way, turned awkwardly toward Inej, breathing her fresh air scent. Once. Twice. Three times. She leaned closer to him, without asking. He could feel her warm breath against the shell of his ear.

 

            “I love you.” Inej whispered to him, almost silent. Goosebumps rose on his arms when he felt the shape of her words, her mouth, ghost against his skin.

 

            “I love you.” Kaz mouthed. He knew she’d felt his words through her hair against her neck when she pushed a hand under his blazer, rubbed a circle into the small of his back out of sight of Lily and Emilia.

 

            They were speaking in hushed tones. Dirtyhands warned him to listen, but Kaz wanted to breathe. He just wanted to breathe.

 

            Still, his mind returned with each hit of Inej’s scent. It hurt to pull away from her. It hurt to turn his face to Lily again, to the face his brother would have rather seen turn red in anger than ever make cry.

 

            “Alright.” Lily whispered to Emilia on the end of a deep breath. Jax was sitting at her feet, bumping his head against her hand every few seconds.

 

            “Alright what?” Kaz asked, as if he hadn’t just blocked the entirety of this room out for a full minute.

 

            Lily straightened her shoulders and pulled the ribbon out of the end of her braid. She shook her red hair loose, the waves cascading just past her shoulders. Emilia nodded; eyes softer than he’d seen since they’d entered the room.

 

            “I’ll do it for Jordan.” Lily signed to him, not quite meeting his eye. Kaz nodded slowly, if only to let her know that he knew the weight of her silent confession.

 

            “Don’t make me regret this.” Lily said aloud, but Kaz didn’t know if she spoke to any of them, or to the universe and it’s uncaring ears.

 

            Lily walked toward the corpse on the table. Inej stood up beside him, both of them walking a step closer. They shared a look before Kaz saw Lily give Jax a command to sit, stay. The dog laid with his head on his paws, never once taking his eyes off his person.

 

            Kaz breathed through his mouth only, now. Lily turned to the cabinet behind her and opened the glass doors. Vials clinked as she shifted them around, back turned on the room. Kaz spotted purple liquid and a jar of what looked like dried aspen leaves, a tincture of something remarkably close in color to blood. Yet, when the mortician returned to the head of the table, she carried nothing.

 

            Emilia had retreated near the lamp on the other side of the corpse presumably to give himself and Inej a better view. A view of what, Kaz had no idea. Lily wasn’t talking as she removed the clamps on the corpse’s stiff skin, the flaps that covered his cracked chest cavity. The archaic clips landed in a tin dish to the right of the deceased’s head with a clink. What good was this? Autopsies wouldn’t get Inej or the Queen into Kane’s fortress. He’d expected a talent for… something. Maybe an in to Kane’s circle, like Emilia had. Or maybe even an invention to subdue Kane’s inferni guards.

 

            Whatever Emilia had schemed had gone beyond Kaz’s mind, and that thought was beginning to drain his already miniscule reserves of patience. The wells were nearly dry. Inej couldn’t die. He couldn’t let her go without a plan. He tried to read Emilia’s face, but her lips were pressed into a line, dark eyes sharp and narrowed on the gaping hole in the corpse. What was she doing? Counting his ribs? This must have been a waste of time-  

 

            Lily pulled her hands up to chest level, one pressed against her heart, the other extended palm face down above the corpse.

 

            Each of her fingertips were stained in a kaleidoscope of colors. Crimson on the pad of her thumb, rivulets running down toward her wrist. A crisp silver chalk dipped to her first knuckle on her middle finger. A bright green dust was swiped along the side of her smallest finger. A mahogany lacquer caked her index. Azure tinted droplets cascaded over her ring fingernail.

 

            “Saints,” Inej breathed beside him. Kaz’s eyes widened.

 

            Before them, dead flesh began to stitch back together, no needle in sight.

           

            The chest of the man snapped shut like those deadly plants in Novyi Zem Jesper had told him about once.

 

            The bloated skin flushed pink in health, the scars of the autopsy incision sank like mountain ridges back into the ground. The face of the man, once ghoulish and sunken, began to ripen with fresh blood flow. Rosen cheeks. Peach replaced the blue on his lips, a steady thing.

 

             It was a laying of living watercolor on a rigor mortis canvas.

 

            The dead man’s hair shined, darker than before. Kaz looked at Lily, whose eyes were wide open now. Or he thought they were.

 

            Her irises were gone, replaced with the white film of death. He leaned heavier on his cane when he staggered back in shock. He couldn’t see any of the blue. He couldn’t tell where she looked. He couldn’t look back to find out.

 

            “Saints,” Inej whispered again. Her chest raised in tiny, shallow breaths.

 

            The man’s chest did not move. His eyes did not open. But Kaz watched for it. Waited. He looked asleep. He looked… alive, even with eyes shut.

 

            “You’re… You’re a tailor.” Inej whispered. Lily did not move, her hand still hovered. Her eyes were unseeing, but her chest rose in a steady tempo.

 

            “A post-mortem tailor…” Inej shook her head. “Tailors can only work on living flesh… because the-the… the body needs to absorb the change organically.”

 

            Kaz was watching as Lily continued, even further, somehow. The man, previously clean shaven, now had a shadow of stubble. It didn’t make sense. It… it was impossible.

 

            “Improbable,” Sturmhond’s voice ricocheted in Kaz’s skull.

 

            Kaz thought of Zenik. He’d seen the dead stand up, eyes black voids. What Lily was doing was less impossible than that. What Nina could do was unprecedented in Ravkan history, a new facet of the small science, awakened by a dangerous concoction of chemicals. This was odd, but less… useful. Kaz was…

 

            “I’m confused.” Inej shook her head again, taking the words from his burning tongue.

 

            Then, Emilia stepped forward. Her boots clicked against the tile, a sound so jarring that for a moment, Kaz thought the corpse might wake.

 

            Could Lily even see them?

 

            Her eyes were dead. Dead and dead and dead.

 

            Kaz swallowed bile in his throat.

 

            “Fearless, Kaz.” Jordie whispered.

 

            Emilia stood directly across from Lily, now, at the other end of the table. Kaz felt Inej’s fingers brush his knuckles, and he grabbed her hand tight. The leather glove was a mercy between them in this moment, for the first time in quite a long time. He’d drown if it wasn’t there, he was sure of it. Still, he squeezed tight.

 

            “Lily.” Emilia whispered, lips moving exaggeratedly slow.

 

            Lily’s head snapped up like a predator, opaque white eyes on Emilia’s face. Kaz didn’t know how she read his aunt’s lips. He couldn’t tell where she was looking. Inej pushed closer to him.

 

            Kaz understood. Something about not being able to meet Lily’s eyes was unnerving on a primal level.

 

            It was not looking at a blind person, those eyes were cloudy and unseeing, true, but they still held life. This was not looking at a person without eyes at all, either. Kaz had pulled a man’s eyeball out. He’d looked into the socket without so much as a wince. There had been signs of life. Blood and sinew, a glint of tears left on cheeks. This wasn’t even akin to looking into the inky pits of the corpses Nina rose. Those eyes were not exactly dead, but not exactly alive. Those eyes were watery blank slates where the Corpse Witch embossed her will. They were extensions of Nina, for a short time.

 

            This was none of those things.

 

            This was being blind with perfectly good eyes. This was searching for a match under a spotlight.

 

            This was looking at Death and daring her to look back.

 

            “This is… not going to help.” Kaz rasped, each word tumbling out of his mouth slowly to keep from breathing too much of the rotten air.

 

            Emilia’s eyes sliced to him, a knife of ink in the bright light beside them. Kaz’s brow lifted. Emilia was silencing him, and normally, he would have objected. He knew that glare. He owned it himself. Yet, it was the way her eyes darted back to Lily that kept him quiet. She couldn’t have heard him, but still Emilia was watching Lily with a look like a prison guard.

 

            At least, the good prison guards. That was to say, alert and ready to strike at a hint of insubordination.

 

            “Lily, we need to show them.” Emilia whispered, her hand making the silent gesture for ‘please’.

 

            Kaz tilted his head. That wasn’t what she was meant to show?

 

            “His hand.” Lily whispered, her voice slushy, wet. Hoarse. She turned her head slowly to Kaz. He thought she was looking at him.

 

            Inej whispered the names of her Saints under her breath.

 

            “No.” Emilia said sharply. Lily’s head snapped again, with that unnatural speed. “My hand.”

 

            “Why?” Lily asked.

 

            “He needs to see it. I trust you.” Emilia said, a touch softer.

 

            “Her hand.” Lily shook her head, a single finger pointing to Inej.

 

            “No.” Kaz said just as sharply as Emilia had.

 

            “What do you want with it?” Inej whispered beside him. He tugged her closer to him, damning all precaution to hell.

 

            “I’ll show you.” Lily insisted, voice slurring. Jax whined low behind them.

 

            “My hand.” Emilia snarled. Kaz cut his gaze to his aunt, surprised at the edge her voice had taken. Emilia reached her hand above the dead man’s ankles.

 

            Lily seemed to ponder the offering, a wolf sizing up a fox.

 

            Then, Lily’s hand darted out, her fingers brushing Emilia’s bare knuckles. The hand that had been previously pressed to her own chest was now laid flat against the corpse’s.

 

            Emilia swallowed. “Watch,” She whispered.

 

            Kaz took a step closer to the table, Inej at his side.

 

            What he saw would be considered unholy to any sinner wreathed in Hell’s flames.

 

            Luckily, Kaz was the type of sinner who drowned.

 

            Emilia’s flesh began to tighten, sink. Black veins bloomed around her fingernails, first. Then, they spiderwebbed down her wrist, swimming with inky blood beneath the surface. Her nails began to yellow, wither. The flesh came next, bloating under too tight tendons, rotting. Sickly blue bruises sprouted around her knuckles, sinking deep. All at once, he could see the bones beginning to jut from her fingers.

 

            Emilia’s skin was shrinking away. Rotting. Decaying.

 

            Inej choked beside him into her hand. He didn’t smell it. Kaz was holding his breath.

 

            Emilia’s flesh was bending into her bones, disappearing under the mouths of non-existent maggots.

 

            His aunt remained still, watching it happen.

 

            It all fell away, not to the table, but into a pocket of existence that Kaz could not locate. His aunt’s skin. Her veins. Her muscles and tendons. It shrank until her hand was bone, held together by nothing but scraps of blackened, rubbery tissue.

 

            Lily dropped her hand from above Emilia’s.

 

            Emilia wiggled her fingers. Her finger bones.

 

            Kaz didn’t know what he was seeing. His throat burned and he took one gulp of air through his mouth before snapping it shut.

 

            “Fuck,” Inej whispered.

 

            “I don’t feel like anything is wrong with it.” Emilia said quietly. Lily was staring at nothing, or everything. Silent.

 

            “Put it back.” Emilia commanded, then.

 

            Just like with the corpse on the table, Lily knitted Emilia’s flesh back together. It took less than a minute. From flesh to bone to flesh.

 

            Kaz swallowed the moment blue began to return to Lily’s eyes. She coughed once and wiped a bead of sweat from her brow.

 

            “You… you’re a tailor but…” Inej stuttered. Lily was watching her mouth.

 

            “I know you said tailor.” Lily whispered, her voice rougher than usual.

 

            “Yes. But I can… I can tailor between each stage of living in death. On both the dead and the living.” Lily said steadily.

 

            “I’ve never heard of…” Inej replied.

 

            “No. You wouldn’t have. Do you know what the Ravkan’s would do, if they found me?” Lily shuddered as she spoke.

 

            All at once, it made sense. Kaz understood Lily’s secrecy. The Ravkan’s would want her in their army of Grisha. Any government would want her. Even Kerch, if they knew the extent of her abilities….

 

            “May I speak plainly?” Emilia cleared her throat.

 

            Kaz looked at his aunt, and it clicked. It was why she’d asked about Nina’s abilities.

 

            “You want to send Inej in dead. Tailored.” Kaz whispered. “On a ship claiming ties to Milan Arkten.”

 

            “Now you’re getting it.” Emilia gave him a wan smile.“Kane would want to see her dead for himself. People get sloppy around corpses. The danger is eliminated.” 

 

            Kaz’s mind began to churn at full tilt. She was right. He paced away from the table, thinking clearer than he had in days. He didn’t let himself dwindle on the morgue around him.

 

            Inej watched him, her lips steadily tilting up.

 

            “Scheming face.” Emilia whispered. “That’s what you called it.”

 

            “Definitely.” Inej smirked.

 

            Kaz paused his pacing, only to see Lily looking down at her hands, leaning against the wall behind Emilia. She looked up at him with sad eyes over Inej and Emilia’s shoulders. She hadn’t seen them speaking, or hadn’t bothered to watch.

 

            “If I’d known I could do it back then, I would have fixed Bram for you to say goodbye. I didn’t know yet.” Lily signed to him. She did not speak.

 

            Kaz’s thoughts drained completely.

 

            “I wish I could have done that for you. I live with it every day.” Lily signed.

 

            Kaz realized then that Lily had no idea what they were asking of her. They’d shared nothing.

 

            Lily would have to aid the Ravkan crown, and the queen would have to know about it.

 

            “You look like him. Like Jordie.” Lily signed. She gave him a broken sort of smile as she pushed off the wall.

 

            Before Kaz could respond, she was walking away to a door beside the stairs they’d come down.

 

            As he watched her go, Kaz wondered if he was the ghost in the morgue for Lily Arbor.

Notes:

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SOOOOOOO????? SOOOOO??? TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I BEG I'M ACTUALLY UNGODLY NERVOUS EVEN IF I TRIED TO PLAY IT COOL IN MY AUTHOR NOTES UP TOP. <3

EDIT: I've already come back to add a crucial line of dialogue from Emilia towards the end that I must have accidentally deleted. So if you've already read, just know I changed something <3 (I told you this one was a little rough around the edges)

Chapter 154: A Little Less Dead

Summary:

Some conversations.

Notes:

CHAPTER 154!!!!!!

Hi everyone!!! I'm back with the next one!!! ANNDDDDD It's a special day! This one is actually one that I almost cut, the story could be read without it in a sense, but I loved these scenes so much that I couldn't. I promise the next one has some action, I can't wait. BUT I really really hope that you love this one, too. I know I do. <3 It's a special day, today. September the seventh. Happy Birthday, Jordie Rietveld. AND Happy future anniversary to Kaz & Inej <3 NOT ONLY THAT THOUGH. It's actually also your author's birthday. Yes, the easter egg of myself I planted into DWOD so long ago. I share a birthday with Jordie. <3 SO I had to get an upload done for you guys today, of course!

Thank you for everything, my lovely readers. I owe so much happiness to you, every single day.

COME CHAT PLZ AS MY BDAY PRESENT IN THE COMMENTS?!! I'm so excited for this one and the next one!!!! <333

"Rivers" by Allman Brown, Robyn Sherwell (Lily's memory, LISTEN. LISTEN. THE VIBES ARE IMMACULATE.)

KAZ

 

            “What did she say?” Inej asked softly. Lily had disappeared behind a door, and the melancholy click of the latch still rang in his ears. Kaz didn’t know how to answer.

 

            Lily’s first thought, after offering him this most dangerous, most protected piece of herself, had been of his dead father.

 

            Lily Arbor had not thought of her anger toward him, but instead of what she wished she could have done to make his grief lesser, all those years ago. Kaz knew why Lily was angry with him, he’d not needed to ask today when they’d entered her morgue unexpectedly; nor when he’d spoke to her for the first time at the stream the day before.

 

            Lily’s anger with him was rightfully bestowed. He’d earned nothing less, in all these years.

 

            He could have picked up a pen, scraped up a little bit of courage, and sent her a letter when he finally had the kruge for parchment and postage. Kaz could have told Lily that Jordie was gone. He’d known her address. He’d known where to find her. He could have at the very least given her the chance to mourn Jordie in her own way, instead of seeing a stone tablet appear on a hill seven years later, placed by a stranger, with no way of finding out how the boy she’d loved died.

 

            Kaz had been a child, but he’d known better. He’d been wounded and damaged beyond any repair, but he could have sent her a note with one sentence. He hadn’t of even needed to sign his name.

 

            Jordie is dead, and he loved you.

 

            Now, this shame wound tighter around Kaz’s sternum. Lily had still thought of him. She’d blamed herself, for all these years, for not knowing about her abilities soon enough. All so she could have put his father’s face back together after the plowing accident. All so Kaz and his brother could have seen their Da one more time, to lay him to rest without needing to lay their hands on a closed wooden box filled with… whatever pieces the farm hands had found.

 

            “Kaz?” Inej tried again. He hadn’t realized he was staring at the closed-door Lily had gone through. Just standing and staring and wondering if he had any fucking right to go knock on it.

 

            How many doors had Kaz stood outside of, wondering if he was worthy of touching his knuckles to the surface?

 

            Wondering if he was worth turning the knob for?

 

            Jesper’s door at the Slat, after too many cruel comments to count. Anika’s, too.

 

            Inej. Inej’s door, a thousand and one times over.

 

            She’d gotten tired of waiting for him to knock, and every single day he was grateful. Inej had climbed through his windows, instead. Inej had not taken his silence as an answer, and he loved her for it.

 

            Not everyone was his Wraith, though. Not everyone was his sharpshooter who would blow the damn knob off if he waited too long.

 

            Not everyone was his aunt, who hadn’t given up on him for twenty years and still wanted to know him when he showed her his blood-stained hands.

 

            “It’s not easy for her.” Emilia said, somewhere off to his side. “I knew it when I asked her to show you. She doesn’t… she doesn’t do it often.”

 

            “I need to go talk to her.” Kaz replied, voice quieter than he’d intended. He swallowed the brick in his throat.

 

            “We should all go.” Emilia answered.

 

            “No. I need to talk to her alone.”

 

            Emilia didn’t speak again, and when Kaz limped forward, neither his aunt nor Inej stopped him. He felt Inej’s eyes on him, and he let her gaze cover him in a different sort of armor- the kind meant to withstand pain, rather than block it out entirely.

 

            Kaz knocked once on the door before he tried the handle. Finding it unlocked, he pushed his way through, the latch clicking closed behind him.

 

            Beyond the portal he found an office of sorts. Gas lamps glowed gold against the exposed brick walls, dimmer here than that of the mortuary proper behind him. His feet landed on a plush, sage green rug that seemed to extend through most of the small room. To the left of the door, a large desk sat littered with half burned candle sticks and stacks of paper, some yellowed and marred with wax drops, others dotted with anatomy sketches and color wheels.

 

            Across from the door, a painting decorated an otherwise empty wall. It was almost as wide and tall as the room itself, lined in a weathered looking frame made of cherry wood. The image was what stopped Kaz where he stood.

 

            It was a painting of the sea, all blues and blacks, under a colorful swash of night sky. Emerald stars and electric orchid clouds. A silver scythe moon with craters painted gold. In the waves, Kaz could see the shadows of roses and muted tangerine tulips beneath the surface.

 

            “It was a dream I had.” Lily’s voice came from behind the desk. She sat in an oversized tufted chair; one leg curled under her. Jax the dog had his own bed beside the desk, a quilt laden with dog hair.

 

            Kaz looked back up at the painting with new interest. “You painted this?” He signed to her without turning his head away from the piece.

 

            “I did.” Lily answered. “I don’t know where it came from. A garden beneath the sea but not coral. It was all so vivid that I plucked that canvas out of a bin behind the post printers. I stretched it out and somehow, I didn’t snap it. Painted it for weeks before I realized it’ll never be quite right. It changes every few days when I notice something.”

 

            Kaz noticed then that the ground right below the piece was littered with paint brushes, an old ceramic plate stained with about fifty different shades.

 

            “It’s beautiful.” Kaz whispered. He signed the sentence with some effort. He couldn’t take his eyes away from the vivid sea before him.

 

            It was a coincidence unlike any Kaz had ever seen before, the correlation between Jordie’s final resting place, the funeral Inej Ghafa had gifted him, and this piece of artwork Lily Arbor had painted.

 

            “When did you dream it?” Kaz asked.

 

            A long moment passed before Lily replied.

 

            “Every night for the past ten years or so.”

 

            “Does it change?”

 

            “Every time.”

 

            “Is this your favorite version?”

 

            “No,” Lily said softly. “In my favorite, the sea is emerald green.”

 

            Kaz swallowed tightly.

 

            Did you show her, Jordie? Did you show her the sparks in the deep?

 

            It was not something Kaz believed in, signs from another plain. He was treading Inej’s holy water with the thought alone. He still couldn’t explain it.

 

            “Are you alright?” Kaz asked, his voice hoarse and burning. He was grateful that Lily wouldn’t be able to hear the emotion there, it wasn’t something he deserved to share. It wasn’t something he wanted to share, either.

 

            “Repeat that.” Lily sighed. Kaz turned to face her fully, this time he signed his question.

 

            Lily’s eyes looked up at his face and he noticed the red rims, the blotches of red on her cheeks. She hadn’t cried, but he wondered if she’d been about to, before he’d followed her into this cramped little office.

 

            “Peachy.” Lily hummed. She toyed with paintbrush on the desk, sticking out of a jar stuffed to the brim with random writing utensils and brushes alike. Her fingers pricked the bristles and Kaz noticed they were still stained with the colors she’d used to tailor the corpse.

 

            Before Kaz could say another word, Lily stood and reached for a maroon coat on a hook by the door.

 

            “I’m taking Jax outside, come with if you wish.” Lily mumbled to him. Her companion hopped up, all wags as Lily turned the door handle and slipped from his view. He heard her feet on the stairs only a second later. She wasn’t waiting for him.

 

            Kaz had no choice but to follow. If he wanted her to listen, it would be on her terms. Kaz was accustomed to that sort of woman, now.

 

            Kaz took one last look at the painting on the wall before he limped after her and shut the entrance to her office.

 

            Inej and Emilia were still in the morgue, speaking softly over the tray of liquor bottles. Kaz fantasized about grabbing one to down on his way up the stairs, not to dull the stench when he was headed outside to fresh air, but rather to settle the bristling anxiety in his chest.

 

            He didn’t. He’d already drank half a flask of Lakeshine, much to his dead father’s dismay, surely.

 

            “Stay away from that shit, Jordan.” Kaz remembered Da saying once when they’d had dinner in town. “You too, Kaz.”

 

            “I’m eight.” Kaz giggled when his father had flicked him on his nose.

 

            “And it tastes like lantern oil.” Jordie added unhelpfully with a shrug.

 

            “That’s exactly why I made you try it.” Bram laughed, the sound booming and warm. “When you’re fifteen you can have a drink with dinner. That’s the rule.”

 

            Kaz slipped quietly around the corner to the staircase. He knew Inej and Emilia had probably heard himself and Lily leave, but he was grateful when neither of them spoke, neither of them turned to him.

 

            Kaz stared up the dark stairwell, cane in hand. He longed for his true walking stick; this one was off in height by a fraction of a centimeter. The flight looked long, and he wondered if he’d quickly grown lazy without needing to climb to his attic day and night.

 

            Kaz fucking loved his elevator. He’d still never told Inej how much it had cost. It was worth every lazy cent.

 

            Kaz breathed in the fresh air on the steps outside the mausoleum, squinting into the darkness. A firefly flickered nearby, the only light in the cemetery not given by the moon above. The sky had cleared whilst he’d been down in the morgue, the stars were visible now.

 

            Kaz tossed his head back to look up at the sky, air expanding his lungs. He could make out the Three Kings constellation, and the Shining Trout. He’d not thought about those Kerch stories in ages, not since his Da had died.

 

            Not since he’d left Lij. He may have noticed the stars, every time Inej pointed them out, but he’d dutifully tucked the constellation names he’d been taught away, left them dusty in the pits of his memories.

 

            Kaz heard Jax, then. The dog ran up to him, panting and wagging. The beast bumped his head against Kaz’s wrist before bumbling off again, snout pressed to the dirt. He disappeared behind a headstone, overgrown with ivy and pocked with grime.

 

            “I’d hate to be you.” Kaz muttered to himself when Jax lifted a leg to the stone. The trickle of running water began and Kaz grimaced.

 

            “He’s not exactly respectful, is he?” Lily’s voice came from his left. Kaz turned his head to see her leaning against a pillar of the tomb behind them. Her hair was a red shock in the night, loose all around her delicate shoulders.

 

            Kaz didn’t know what to say, couldn’t even snort at her joke.

 

            Lily was a phantom, standing there.

 

            Kaz was a ghost, standing here.           

 

            What was he even planning to say to her? Kaz didn’t know. He hadn’t known, ever since he’d been nine and half-starved, wholly grief stricken.

 

            What were two specters to do, when they crossed paths in a cemetery? Share cold shoulders like on the streets of Ketterdam? Wave hello as if waltzing main street in Lij?

 

            Pester each other for histories of their respective lives, all to feel just a little less dead?

 

            Kaz settled for what he knew, in the end. Making bad choices.

 

            He stayed silent.

 

 

 

EMILIA

 

            “He couldn’t see me like that.” Inej mumbled as the two of them loitered around a corpse and some liquor.

 

            Emilia knew immediately what Kaz’s fiancé meant. If Lily were to tailor Inej to look dead, Kaz would not be able to see her that way. He’d shared his history with her, the night before.

 

            Seeing Inej like that would be his worst fear come to life. Literally.

 

            “That’s why you wouldn’t let Lily take my hand.” Inej surmised, looking up at her through thick black lashes. Emilia leaned back against the wall, nodding.

 

            “He told you everything.” Inej added as she positioned herself atop the bare table once more. One of her legs crossed over the other as she re-braided her long hair. Emilia couldn’t help but glance back at the stairwell. Kaz had followed Lily up a few moments ago in silence. It would be a lie to herself to deny her curiosity. Emilia had no idea how that conversation was going to go.

 

            Emilia was also protective. Perhaps it was to a fault, but she’d always been this way; intensely loyal to those she cared for. Emilia simply wasn’t certain if she was more concerned for Lily, her friend who had shared her pain over the loss of the Rietveld family several years after Emilia’s unsteady return to Kerch, or for her nephew. Her nephew who had survived against all odds in this cruel world. The nephew she’d only just gotten back.

 

            “He did.” Emilia said, refocusing her gaze on Inej. “And I did the same. He deserved that much.”

 

            “And Lily? Do you trust her?” Inej asked quietly, chin turned up as she examined the room around her further. Emilia understood. This mortuary was an unexpected black diamond beneath a marble tomb. She was also grateful that Inej had not asked for her own story, now. Emilia didn’t think she could rip open that wound for a second time in a single week.

 

            “I do.” Emilia didn’t hesitate. “She loved my nephew.”

 

            “Jordie.” Inej whispered his name, her face turning back to Emilia. “I feel like I know him, sometimes. There’s a proverb my father once told me, about reflections. There’s another about shadows, but I think the reflections fit.

 

            “Al hast shimal, pran ke sheylan.”

 

            “What’s the translation?” Emilia asked. Inej’s language was beautiful, rolling. Unlike Kerch and it’s stilted edges and blunt corners.

 

            “A reflection is but the face of the ones who carved your heart.”

 

            Emilia hummed. She hesitated before asking, “Does he talk about Jordan often?”

 

            Inej shook her head slowly but paused. “He didn’t used to. In fact, never. For the first two years I knew Kaz, I didn’t even know he’d had a brother. And that is to say, I think I was the closest person to him, even back then.”

 

            Emilia understood. For a long time, Elena’s name alone could shatter her. Some days, it still did. Losing a twin was losing a limb. Sometimes, Emilia still looked to her side when she saw something funny, expecting to find Elena’s sly grin mirroring her own.

 

            It didn’t matter that she’d been without Elle for two decades, nearly half her life. She’d still spent half her life with her sister.

 

            Kaz had spent nearly half his life with Jordan, and half without.

 

            Reflections, Emilia thought. Another way to turn Inej’s proverb around. Even if this was one similarity that she desperately wished she and her nephew did not share.

 

            “He talks about him more, now.” Inej continued, voice quiet. Emilia watched as the woman turned her engagement ring around her finger. “I like to hear about him. I think I would have loved Jordie.”

 

            “Everyone loved Jordie.” Emilia smiled sadly. “I only knew him for four years, but he was just as brilliant as his brother is. He was so kind. So trusting, so curious. There wasn’t a timid bone in that boy’s body.”

 

            Inej smiled down at her hands. “What no one knows about Kaz is that he’s actually shy, quite frequently. He’s just good at making it look like he’s not.”

 

            Emilia saw affection in Inej’s eyes, bright and clear. Emilia glanced at the second apron on the hook beside Lily’s. At the sharp twist in her chest, she looked away again.

 

            “He wouldn’t want you to tell me that, would he?” Emilia chuckled, if only to clear the sting of emotion in her throat. Emotion she’d like to kill and tuck into one of the ice boxes behind her.

 

            “No, but I am choosing to.” Inej glanced at her, a tiny lift of her lips hinted at a smile.

 

            “How did you meet? He didn’t tell me that, how he met you.” Emilia asked, finally scratching that itchy question.

 

            Inej’s eyes darted down, back to her ring. Her shoulders rolled back slightly, as if to brace against an unseen impact.

 

            “The Menagerie.” Inej said. “I told you I was there.”

 

            Emilia straightened immediately. Kaz… no. That wouldn’t make any sense. Kaz’s aversion to skin wouldn’t lead him into a pleasure house.

 

            “He used to buy secrets, political pillow talk, from the Pleasure House owners. I snuck up on him and apparently… I left an impression. He bought out my indenture from Tante Heleen shortly after. Rather, he convinced the previous Boss of the Dregs to do it.” Inej shrugged, clearly unaware or uncaring of how Emilia had bristled.

 

            “He… I want to say Kaz saved me. In a way, he did. That’s how I used to see it. But really, what Kaz did was he gave me an opportunity to save myself. He taught me how.” Inej whispered.

 

            Emilia watched as a memory nestled over Inej’s face, something horrific and beautiful all at once. She supposed that was how all pivotal moments were, really.

 

            Memories like that always seemed to be roses. They always had thorns meant to prick you in the future, to remind you of the struggle you’d endured to survive. Then, the blooms were there, to soften the blow. The good part, the sweet part.

 

            The living part.

 

            “I think he became my best friend on that very same day. I know how it sounds- I didn’t know anyone else in Ketterdam. But it wasn’t because of that.” Inej paused, trying to find the right words. Emilia hung off each one, learning more about her nephew and his life felt like a gift, every single time. Even the bad parts were wrapped in ribbon.

 

            She’d held out hope to find him. She’d never given up. Now, each piece of him she could learn, she would treasure like pure satin imported from Shu Han.

 

            “I was wary of him, of course I was. He was a Kerch boy and a stranger. But Kaz never lied to me. He always treated me like a person- like his equal. From the moment I met him, he told me the truth. He told me when I was weak and needed to toughen up. He told me when he found me dangerous. I did the same. I didn’t soften my opinions for him just because he rescued me. I told him he was a sinner. I told him when I disagreed with his choices. I told him when I thought he was being an ass.” Inej smiled softly.

 

            “That’s… just how it was. How it went. Kaz and I were just two kids who decided to be honest with one another, no filter.”

 

            “Well,” She smirked. “No filter except about how we actually felt about one another. That was not honest. We hid behind our quips. Both of us. I mocked his worship of kruge, he tortured me about my faith. Truth was, I just liked seeing the way his mouth creased at the edges when he restrained a smile. I’m sure he thought I never saw it, but I did. Every day.”

 

            Emilia couldn’t help but grin. “And now?”

 

            “Now I mock his worship of kruge, and he tortures me about my Saints, but we hold hands while we sneer.” Inej said in a tone of faux seriousness.

 

            They stared at one another for a full second before they burst out laughing.

 

            “I’m glad he found you, Captain Ghafa.” Emilia breathed.

 

            Inej beamed. Emilia could see it in the girl’s eyes. There was something dark there that matched Kaz. It matched her, too, if she were to be so bold as to acknowledge it. A family trait, perhaps.

 

            “And I’m glad we found you.” Said Inej.

 

            Emilia hadn’t expected the words, but they filled out a hollow spot between her lungs.

 

            Emilia grabbed a bottle of whiskey and two of the little glasses Lily kept stashed on the tray. She poured out a finger’s worth for each of them and passed the drink to Inej.

 

            “What do we toast?” The Captain asked.

 

            “To the Saints, and to Ghezen.” Emilia smirked.

 

            “May they always bicker and hold hands.” Inej added as they tossed back their drinks, giggles lingering on their lips.

 

            Emilia had always wanted a niece, too.

 

 

LILY

 

            In ten years, Lily had not planned on this day. In half as much time, Lily had not wished for it. Hadn’t dared to. Hadn’t been able to subject herself to the thought.

 

            Emilia had told her once that she was a coward for losing hope that Kaz was still alive- still out there somewhere. His aunt had come back to Lij almost exactly three years after Jordan and Kaz had walked away from the farm.

 

            Kaz Rietveld. It was odd to even think his name, odder still to find her fingers itching to sign it out, just to make it real. She had the day before, on the riverbank.

 

            He’d been sitting there, cocooned by shadow under Jordan’s tree. He’d looked so small, yet so much fiercer than the last time she’d seen him. It had all been a startling sort of contrast, the colorful boy she’d known mixed with a man dressed in black. 

 

            Under that same tree, Lily had been kissed for the first time, by that shadow man’s brother. She’d been twelve. An awkward silent girl in a loud world, still trying to understand it’s symphony without working ears.

 

            “If I kiss you, can we still be friends even if it’s terrible?” Jordie asked suddenly, each movement of his hands shaking like trembling leaves.

 

            Lily had taken a full minute to work out his question, to realize she hadn’t misunderstood. The entire time Jordie had sat there, shaking but patient. Then, she’d laughed.

 

            “I wasn’t joking.” He’d frowned in that way of his. Jordie’s frowns had been something strange on his face, unlike his little brother who grimaced at anything he found not up to his standards.

 

            Jordie wasn’t meant for frowning. Jordan was meant for laughing.

 

            “I know.” Lily giggled, her hands barely working. “I know.”

 

            “Then why are you laughing?” Jordie’s lips were creeping up into a smile as he watched her, the wind ruffling his dark hair around his head.

 

            “Because it won’t be terrible, and I don’t think telling a girl it will be beforehand endears her very much to you.” Lily choked out verbally, still breathless.

 

            “That’s not- I didn’t mean…” Jordie was frozen, tripping over words. His voice was trembling as much as his hands, Lily could see it in the letters on his lips. Not for the first time, she wished she could hear his voice.

 

            But, she thought suddenly, no one knew his laugh the way she did.

 

            No one had a reason to notice the things she did.

 

            His laugh was shoulder shaking, and his eyes always scrunched a little around the edges. His laugh felt like slipping into warm sheets, fresh from drying in the sun on the line. His laugh was all warmth, shimmering at the edges of his existence like a magnet meant to lure anyone around him to joy.

 

            Lily kissed him, in the end. It wasn’t like in novels, all precise and sure. It was better.

 

            It was hesitant and quick and more than enough for a first kiss in the summertime of her twelfth year.

 

            Jordan’s face was soft when she leaned back against the bark of the tree, his eyes still closed.

 

            “Not terrible.” He signed to her; one eye cracking open. His cheeks were blazing red.

 

            She shoved him in the shoulder.

 

            He grabbed her hand. He didn’t let it go, this time. Instead, he looked down at her palm, and carefully, like a surgeon lining up pieces, he fit their fingers together.

 

            “But how will we talk?” Lily asked aloud.

 

            Jordie turned his face to her and sat back beside her, their shoulders brushing, their linked hands in his lap.

 

            She watched his lips as he spoke.

 

            “Silently.” He said. “Until Kaz finds us.”

 

            Lily grinned and laid her head against the tree, watching the sunlight sparkle on the river’s surface. Jordan’s thumb traced her hand, his breathing deep and even.

 

            It was its own sort of conversation, their mutual happiness. It hadn’t felt young. It had felt older than the trees behind them.

 

            Kaz Rietveld was before her, now. He leaned on his cane; hands clad in black leather. It was a warm night, too warm for gloves. She wondered why he left them on.

 

            He didn’t look at her. He didn’t speak. He stared out into the night and thought. She wondered if he thought of Jordan. She wondered why he’d followed her. She wondered why she’d shown him what she could do.

 

            “For me,” Jordie signed beside her, a specter of a boy, still taller than her.

 

            “Why did you come, Kaz?” Lily asked. He turned his head sharply, startled.

 

            “To Lij or… out here?” Kaz asked. At least he annunciated clearly enough.

 

            “Both.” Lily shrugged.

 

            “It’s a long story.” Kaz answered silently.

 

            Lily shook her head, annoyed and tired. “Fine.”

 

            Kaz turned toward her, the look on his face nearly hurt. She didn’t have time to respond before Jax was barking at the darkness, alerting her with his body pressed against her legs.

 

            “Fuck.” Lily grimaced.

 

            “What?” Kaz signed, squinting. Lily’s eyes widened when she saw him brush his blazer back, a pistol was tucked at his belt.

 

            “Don’t pull that.” Lily snapped in a whisper.

 

            Kaz glared at her. “I wasn’t going to.”

 

            “Shit, shit, shit.” Lily groaned as a figure emerged from the darkness of the cemetery, approaching them.

 

            “Lily!” The woman signed as she stepped up the steps to the mausoleum, Jax wagging beside her and immediately calm.

 

            “What are you doing out here?” She signed. Lily swallowed nervously. This was not going to go well. She’d lost track of time. “And who is this?”

 

            Kaz had stepped closer to them now, analyzing Mrs. Hudson’s face.

 

            “This is…” Lily began.

 

            “Holy shit. It’s true then? Kaz Rietveld?” Mrs. Hudson gaped, her pretty green eyes wide. The fringe of her dirty blonde hair fell into her eyes across her forehead on her pale skin, Lily couldn’t see them, but could tell her eyebrows were lifted.

 

            “I- yes. Sorry, have we met?” Kaz asked, signing for Lily in tandem.

 

            “No, no. I just- Lily told me and I didn’t quite believe it.” Mrs. Hudson said, annunciating just as clearly for Lily’s sake.

 

            “I was just about to head inside, you should both come in.” Mrs. Hudson moved around them, toward the entrance to the mausoleum.

 

            Lily met Kaz’s eyes and shook her head urgently. They needed to stop her. Now.

 

            Kaz looked confused but schooled his face quickly. “What was your name?” Kaz sidestepped Mrs. Hudson and put on a charming smile that looked strangely normal on his face.

 

            “Adrie. Adrie Hudson.” Mrs. Hudson grinned kindly.

 

            Kaz’s eyes widened minutely. Thankfully, Adrie didn’t notice.

 

            Kaz kept chattering to Mrs. Hudson as they walked toward the morgue entrance, she could see his lips moving. Lily followed, a bundle of nerves. She was going to lose her job. Oh fuck.

 

            Then, Adrie reached for her keys in her pocket. The door was locked, even though Lily had left it open. Had Kaz locked it on his way out?

 

            “My keys!” Mrs. Hudson grimaced, turning and looking on the ground. “I just had them! Lil, help me!”

 

            Lily had left her own set downstairs. She very well couldn’t tell Mrs. Hudson that they could knock for Inej and Emilia to answer…

 

            As Adrie trotted back down the steps to retrace her path across the cemetery, her doctor satchel under her arm, Kaz waved the keys at Lily.

 

            How…. He’d stolen them? From Adrie’s pocket?

 

            Lily didn’t have time to do anything but snatch the keys from him.

 

            “I don’t need a key to get in.” He signed. Lily had no idea what he meant. She didn’t have time to ask.

 

            “Get Emilia and Inej out of here. Go!” Lily signed before running after Adrie, making a show of looking for the so called ‘missing’ keys.

 

            Kaz didn’t hesitate.

 

            Somehow, they’d picked up right where they’d been before, as children. They’d moved around the adults backs to steal sweets, once. Her and Jordan and Kaz.

 

            This time, it just happened to be keys to a morgue.

Notes:

Socials!:

tiktok: @ravenyenn19

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AHHHH SOOOO? THE END? ;)

Chapter 155: His Worst Crime

Summary:

A few confessions.

Notes:

CHAPTER 155!!!!

Hi guys! I'm back! This one is a little more of a filler but necessary for the next one. I apologize but this was so so long on it's own that I just decided to keep it rather than cut it down and split the chapters. I hope it's still enjoyable to read until I *hopefully* get the next one up later today or tomorrow! I love you all <3

Thank you, as always, my lovely readers. You mean everything to me.

Let me know what you think in the comments???? I'd love to hear yalls theories and every single comment is read by me and makes my day. I love you! <3

"Changes" by Hayd (It's the vibe for Inej/Emilia's talk. Idk how to explain it.)

KAZ

 

            “We need to go.” Kaz rasped as he rounded the corner of the staircase in the morgue. Emilia and Inej were holding empty tumblers in their hands, chatting next to a corpse.

 

            Inej jumped up first, her eyes searching his face. His leg hurt from the run down the steps, but Lily had seemed desperate to get them out of here. Kaz had also recognized Mrs. Hudson’s first name. Adrie.

 

            Kaz didn’t know if it was the same Adrie that Emilia had once loved, or just a coincidence. He also knew he didn’t care- Lily had looked at him with panic in her eyes, pleading for help. He’d get them out of here before Adrie found her ‘missing keys’.

 

            “Why?” Inej asked. “Where’s Lily?”

 

            “We’re about to get caught.” Kaz looked at Emilia as he spoke.

 

            “Fuck.” His aunt grimaced, further profanities lingering under her breath as she checked her watch. “She’s back early.”

 

            “Who?” Inej looked at Emilia, who was now taking Inej’s glass and settling it back on the tray, each movement jerky and rushed.

 

            Kaz was already turning back toward the stairs, but it didn’t matter. The top step creaked, he heard Lily’s husky voice.

 

            “Wait!” Lily called.

 

            “Fuck me.” Emilia groaned as she slumped back against the wall of ice boxes. She looked slightly ashen. Inej’s eyebrows lifted, one hand on the blade at her belt.

 

            “Not in the mood.” A honeyed voice slipped from the bottom of the stairs. The words were thick with an elegant southern accent.

 

            Emilia reached for one of the doors on the wall and rolled out an empty tray.

 

            “You won’t fit in that one.” The voice came again, jogging Kaz to turn around.

 

            “Worth a shot.” Emilia murmured under her breath, agitated.

 

            Adrie Hudson stood in the doorway, Lily only a step behind her. Kaz couldn’t catch her eye.

 

            Adrie pulled the hood back on her head, revealing a bun of tawny blonde hair at the base of her neck, pieces framed her face along with the fringe that hung low across her brow, the ends nearly resting on her coal dusted lashes.

 

            Now, in the light, Kaz got a good look at the woman. She was tall, nearly as tall as him. Her frame was slender under a dark coat, worn over a simple brown dress that was dirtied at the hems from the rain and mud. Her eyes were a startling bottle green, her nose small and proportionately slender to the rest of her features. Her lips were pressed into a tight line.

 

            Mrs. Hudson’s skin was pale, only a shade or two darker than his own. Her cheeks were flushed, but Kaz was not certain whether it was from anger or exertion from hiking around a cemetery. If Kaz had to guess, she must have been Emilia’s age or around it, but he could only decipher it from the slight crease of age at the corners of her eyes.

 

            “Adrie.” Emilia cleared her throat. “You look…” His aunt froze under Adrie’s cutting gaze.

 

            “Go on, then. Might as well get a compliment out of you before I put you into one of those boxes.” Adrie hummed. She tossed a heavy looking satchel to the empty autopsy table with a loud thud.

 

            Emilia’s jaw clicked shut. Kaz glanced between the two women before he caught Inej’s eyes. Inej slipped silently around Adrie to his side, confusion written all over her face.

 

            “You found him.” Adrie said softly when Emilia remained silent. Kaz felt the new woman’s gaze linger on his profile. “I always knew you would.”

 

            Emilia was nodding but Kaz couldn’t read her face. His aunt looked entirely neutral. Shut down.

 

            “I didn’t, actually. He found me.” Emilia mumbled, her lips wobbling into a hesitant half smile.

 

            “Not intentionally, if that helps my case with you.” Kaz rasped, trying his best to keep his voice light. This was not his role. He wasn’t good at breaking tensions; he was excellent at creating them.

 

            “Traitor.” Emilia huffed.

 

            Adrie’s mouth quivered in the suppression of what he hoped was a smile.

 

            “You are related.”

 

            “What’s that supposed to mean?” Kaz rasped. He heard Inej snort almost silently beside him.

 

            “She got it, at least.” Adrie looked at Inej. Kaz didn’t get a chance to respond before she spoke again.

 

            “Lily, why did you let them down here?” Adrie turned, her hands moving in the silent language as well.

 

            Lily looked at each of them, her cheeks a bright crimson. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “They are very charismatic,” she dismayed.

 

            Adrie rolled her eyes.

 

            “You can’t fault me for that, and you know it.” Lily protested both silently and verbally.

 

            Adrie fiddled with her coat buttons before swinging the garment off and tossing it on top of her bag.

 

            “So, you are Kaz Rietveld, and you are?” Adrie asked, eyes back on Inej.

 

            “I’m Inej,” She replied with a step forward, hand outstretched. “Kaz’s fiancé.”

 

            Adrie shook Inej’s hand and Kaz noticed the glint of gold on the woman’s hand. A wedding band.

 

            “Ah,” Adrie hummed. “Well at least the three of us are the same flavor of insane.” She gestured between herself and Lily, then to Inej.

 

            Inej tilted her head and Kaz’s eyes crept to Emilia. His aunt was silent in the corner, she was slipping her riding gloves back over her hands, face turned down. At Adrie’s comment, her eyes lifted to his. The same Adrie, then.

 

            “I’m afraid I’m not sure what you mean.” Inej answered Adrie.

 

            “Nothing, doll.” Adrie waved her off and began unpacking folios from her satchel on the table.

 

            “Why were you here?” Adrie asked then, voice colder than before.

 

            “To speak with Lily, that’s all.” Kaz replied, even if the question had been targeted toward his aunt. He signed the words too, for Lily’s sake.

 

            “Seems you knew where to come. I can’t imagine she didn’t bring you here.” Adrie waltzed forward. Her eyes flickered to Emilia pointedly before inspecting the corpse on the table for the first time. Kaz saw her shoulders stiffen and change her entire posture.

 

            “Lily, there’s no autopsy scars here.” Adrie turned around, green fire licking in her eyes.

 

            “I showed them what I can do.” Lily answered, head held high. Adrie’s eyes widened.

 

            “You didn’t, Lily. What the hell were you thinking? You never should have even shown her!” Adrie’s voice raised slightly with panic, her hand movements stilted in Lily’s direction. She waved an angry hand toward his aunt.

 

            “Don’t speak to her that way.” Emilia stepped forward, her face no longer neutral, but instead, frustrated. Adrie turned slowly.

 

            “You can be angry at me, but not at her. She made her own choices. I didn’t force her to show me the first time or to show Kaz and Inej. It’s her gift to use as she wishes.” Emilia said, voice even and certain.

 

            “You brought them to her. You aren’t even supposed to be down here.” Adrie countered.

 

            Clearly, Adrie had no idea that Lily had helped his aunt in the past with her… acupuncture practice.

 

            “She made a stupid choice.” Adrie said then. She didn’t sign it to Lily. Didn’t let her know, even if Lily was the very target of her words. She didn’t turn her face for Lily to read the words.

 

            Nope.

 

            Kaz signed the translation to Lily behind Adrie’s back. Inej watched by his side.

 

            “Excuse me, Mrs. Hudson? Speak to my face.” Lily said the moment she saw his translation.

 

            Adrie deflated before turning back to Lily. “I’m sorry,” She paused. “I just think you were manipulated. I don’t blame you, but I’ve been there before. I only want you to remain safe. This is dangerous information.”

 

            “Manipulated?” Kaz stepped forward, hand tight on his cane. “How?”

 

            Adrie assessed him, taking a seemingly unconscious step away.

 

            “I won’t taint your aunt’s image for you, Kaz. But all that glossy hair hides horns. You’re a stranger and I can only assume you and your fiancé had no part in it. But I guarantee Lily would not be so near sighted as to share this information without having the love she had for you and your brother thrown in her face.” Her accent was sweet, imploring. Bullshit.

 

            “Manipulated her with my brother’s death, are those the words I just heard?” Kaz asked. “You insinuate that Emilia used my brother, her nephew, to force a grown woman to put on a show for us?”

 

            Adrie released an exasperated sigh. Kaz no longer even noticed the scent of decay in the air.

 

            “Perhaps you’re more like her than I thought, if you’re so quick to lose your temper.” Adrie replied coldly, sarcastic.

 

            “Excuse me?” Emilia’s voice changed; the words littered with a quiet fury.

 

            Kaz turned his head to find Emilia next to him, he’d tuned out the click of her feet across the tile.

 

            “Speak to my nephew like that again, go on. Do it, Adrie.” Emilia whispered. Kaz knew a threat when he heard one.

 

            It was odd, Kaz thought, to feel like he had more people in his corner these days than opposing him. It was odder still to feel like he was being protected, even if he did not need it. It was true, Inej and all of their friends had defended him before, but...

 

            It was different from Emilia. Had he somehow made a list of her protected few, too? In such a short time?

 

            Adrie’s shoulders loosened as she and Emilia stared one another down from across a corpse. A long moment passed before Adrie cracked under Emilia’s heavy glare.

 

            “Pardon, Kaz.” Adrie began. “I only wish to see Lily safe. Too many people with this knowledge… I was the only one who knew for a long time. It’s why she became my apprentice. Now, my heir.”

 

            This time Adrie signed her sentences for Lily, too. Kaz tightened his fingers on the head of his cane and let it go.

 

            “They need my help.” Lily replied, her hands shaking slightly.

 

            “With what?”

 

            “We hadn’t gotten to that part yet.” Lily admitted. Kaz felt Inej’s palm slide into his own.

 

            Adrie nodded slowly, her eyes focused somewhere on the corpse.

 

            “Can you trust me, just one more time, Adrie?” Emilia asked, her voice nearly a whisper. Still, the words seemed to echo around the cavernous and sparse morgue.

 

            “It’s not her trust you need. It’s mine.” Lily countered brazenly.

 

            “I know.” Emilia replied. “I only mean that… Adrie, it’s Lily’s choice. No manipulation. Only a conversation. Trust that I wouldn’t force her to do anything. I couldn’t.”

 

            “I never stopped trusting you.” Adrie said quietly as she straightened to her full height once more, no longer holding her knuckles in a vice grip on the autopsy table.

 

            Emilia winced so subtly that Kaz was certain he was the only one who noticed.

 

            Kaz didn’t think he and Inej deserved Lily’s trust. Inej, maybe. Her cause was noble. Him? Trust was not something his brother’s girl should give him, after what he’d done to her.

 

            Or rather, not done for her.

 

            Lily still didn’t know what they were going to ask of her. What danger she may be in, if she agreed. He’d not gotten to talk to her… he’d squandered those moments outside. He’d frozen, locked every bit of his softness up.

 

            He’d looked silently at every scrap of soul he’d tied to his broken heart over the years with Inej and their chosen family, and not managed to rip even a piece off to pass to Lily Arbor.

 

            “I think this is the most civil conversation we’ve had in years.” Adrie said softly to his aunt.

 

            There and gone, Kaz saw Emilia’s eyes soften, deepen. It was a strike of something painful, to be sure, but the kind of pain you begin to crave. An addictive sort of discomfort, like the ink-laying needle of a tattooist.

 

            Kaz knew that type of addiction, intimately. He’d sought it out by quipping at Inej in the shadows as he walked the staves of Ketterdam. He’d given into impulse, every time he’d fought with her, and that little line of aggravation appeared between her black brows.

 

            That addiction had kept him alive, for a time. Those little flashes of pain had sustained his aching heart, proving to him each time that he could still feel something in his darkest stretch of life. That pain had given him a sense of touching Inej, when he’d never dare to reach out and trace her lips and their frown at him.

 

            Now, Kaz squeezed Inej’s fingers in his own. Because he could. Because that addiction had broken down to its core chrysalis and emerged as something far more powerful. Partnership. Love.

 

            “I wouldn’t say that.” Emilia smiled hesitantly. “There was that one time I opened the door for you at Sadie’s and you didn’t stomp on my toes.”

 

            Adrie laughed. It was a quiet noise, mostly wind. “I suppose I was in a merciful mood.”

 

            “Let’s hope you maintain it by the time it’s me on your table. My face must look flawless, if only to reunite with my sister and prove that I meant what I said about proper skincare.”

 

            “You’re preposterous.” Lily chuckled. “I’d do your embalming, and no one would know you’ve died.”

 

            “A woman after my own heart, Miss Arbor.” Emilia tossed her a grin.

 

            Kaz felt Inej shift slightly on her feet beside him, uneasy. He was, too. He’d also gotten a whiff of the scent in the air again. He breathed only through his mouth.

 

            Emilia seemed to notice, her gaze flicking between him and Adrie, who took a deep breath.

 

            “Lily, it’s your choice if you want to hear what we have to say. You know that, but I felt the reminder necessary.” Emilia said to the red head.

 

            Lily’s eyes squinted as she pulled a ribbon from her wrist and began to gather her red tresses into a ponytail at the back of her head. Her expression was thoughtful, contemplative.

 

            “Adrie, Mrs. Hudson…” Lily began, her voice stilted with nerves. She signed quickly alongside her verbal sentences. “I gained my career from you, and I respect you more than anyone in the world… But I want to know if what I can do can help someone. I need that. You’re my friend, and for a while you were the only one that I had. But I need to listen to Kaz… I need to hear what he and Inej have to say.”

 

            Then, she added, “And I trust Emilia. I always have. I know you do, too.”

 

            Kaz was keenly aware that he and Inej had not even made the decision to share the job with Lily. Well, he had. Inej hadn’t agreed. Hadn’t gotten the chance to speak her thoughts. His eyes drifted to Inej’s profile beside him, and he knew.

 

            He knew that if Emilia had been the map to this plan’s lock, a map he hadn’t been able to locate, then Lily might be the skeleton key. Literally, a key carved from bone.

 

            The key to bringing Inej home to him. The key that would bring a victorious Inej home to him.

 

            “Dinner, if you’ll accompany us, is on me.” Emilia nodded slowly as she spoke to Lily.

 

            The pipes creaked above them and Kaz realized Adrie had gone to the sink to wash her hands. Now, she was tying an apron over her dress.

 

            Lily looked at Adrie, waiting for a response that Kaz couldn’t begin to guess at.

 

            “Go.” Adrie said, something in her smile sad, deflated. “I can finish Mr. Cole.”

 

            “Are you sure? He was supposed to be one of mine this week.” Lily’s hand was already reaching for her own bag, discarded near the office door.

 

            “Of course, I’m sure.” Adrie folded her hands over her apron, green eyes carefully avoiding Emilia.

 

            “Thank you.” Lily whispered.

 

            Adrie shook her head gently, “Nothing to thank, Dr. Arbor. I ain’t your keeper, only a friend, now.”

 

            Lily slung her bag over her shoulder. “You’re still my mentor even if my schooling is done.”

 

            Adrie blushed a light pink, she waved her wrist. “Go,” Adrie’s southern accent cracked around the word.

 

            Lily nodded once. “Can I leave Jax?”

 

            “Who else will whine at me if you’re not here?” Adrie smiled, and patted her leg to summon the dog who glanced up at Lily before trotting over to the hand that waited to give him pats.

 

            “It was a pleasure to meet you.” Inej said quietly, dipping her head in Adrie’s direction before following Lily toward the stairs. Kaz nodded once, curt and polite.

 

            Kaz followed after Inej, he heard Emilia’s boots click behind him. He rounded the corner and saw Inej and Lily cresting the top of the staircase. He didn’t mean to hear what he did, but his Ketterdam listening was still active.

 

            “Emilia?” He heard Adrie call quietly. He glanced over his shoulder to see Emilia paused at the doorway to the staircase, her profile glowing from the light in the morgue beyond. She didn’t speak, only paused.

 

            “I’m happy for you. You said you’d find your sister’s boys, you said that the first night you were home in Lij and came to my door. I always believed you.”

 

            Emilia nodded slowly, hesitantly. His aunt turned away and spotted him waiting halfway up the flight. Her eyes widened, and Kaz saw the dark glint of water in her lashes.

 

            Kaz didn’t expect to do it, but he smiled for Emilia.

 

            Somehow, he thought she might need it, now.

 

            “Take care, Mrs. Hudson. I hope you’re well. I always wanted that for you.” Emilia said over her shoulder, not daring to turn her face back to the sight of Adrie.

 

            She didn’t wait for a response before she began to climb the steps toward him.

 

            “I am.” Kaz heard Adrie answer anyways. “Thank you, Em.”

 

 

 

 

 

INEJ

 

            They walked in silence through the cemetery, feet squelching in the still wet mud from the afternoon storms. The four of them made an odd group, Inej thought.

 

            It was almost like those weird little Kerch jokes that Jesper sometimes told.

 

            A mortician, a dressmaker a gang leader and an assassin walk into a bar…

 

            Inej didn’t know what the punch line would be. Maybe something about an affinity for stabbing.

 

            Inej caught Kaz’s eye as he limped beside her. She could tell his leg was beginning to bother him, he’d been standing the past bell and walking before that. Not to mention that the rain always made his pain flare. His eyes told her not to worry, but his gloved hand pressed hard on his cane.

 

            Emilia walked ahead of them, Lily behind. Inej wasn’t sure what to make of the morgue and the way the evening had evolved there.

 

            Lily Arbor was a post-mortem tailor. She was also quiet, thoughtful. Angry with Kaz, but Inej wasn’t certain why.

 

            Inej didn’t know what to do. Did Kaz trust Lily? Did he trust the woman the same way he trusted Emilia with the plans for her voyage?

 

            Her thoughts continued to spin, twist, and fold. Then, they multiplied. Adrie clearly had a history with Emilia, but Inej wasn’t certain if it was a good one. Not based on Adrie’s reaction to seeing Kaz’s aunt in her laboratory.

 

            Inej didn’t even realize they’d neared the gates to the cemetery until she felt Kaz’s hand on her back, a gentle plea to pause.

 

            Inej looked over to find Kaz gazing over his shoulder, back at Lily. Emilia stopped and turned around, too. Lily had stopped at least fifteen paces behind them.

 

            “Lily,” Kaz said as well as signed. Lily didn’t see him; her head was turned back in the direction they’d come from. Beside them, a willow tree wept long vines that brushed softly against the stone of a forgotten headstone, nearly entirely eclipsed in harsh shadow.

 

            Kaz limped toward Lily slowly. Finally, her head turned, and Inej could see a war in her expression.

 

            “I feel like I should have invited her. I value her opinion.” Lily said, her soft voice barely carrying all the way to Inej. Inej glanced to Emilia when she heard the scratch of a match and caught the whiff of pipe smoke.

 

            Kaz said something in the silent language to Lily, but Inej couldn’t hear his whisper.

 

            “Are you alright?” Inej asked Emilia in the meantime. Kaz’s aunt looked… well, glamorous as usual, but ruffled, somehow.

 

            Emilia’s dark gaze cut to her, and Inej noticed that her coal was slightly mussed in the corners of her eyes. As if sensing it, Emilia dabbed a fingertip to each corner, removing the flaws to her appearance, one black dot at a time.

 

            “Yes.” Emilia answered. No, Inej heard.

 

            “You know Adrie, don’t you?” Inej asked softly, keeping her eyes trained on Kaz and Lily in the moonlit distance.

 

            “Knew. Once.” Emilia replied. There was a finality behind the words, like a barricaded door.

 

            “You don’t get along?”

 

            “Not anymore. Not since I returned to Lij.” Emilia took a puff of her pipe and blew the smoke away.

 

            “They’re arguing.” Emilia observed before Inej could respond. Sure enough, Kaz’s shoulders had taken on the angle of defense, and Lily was signing quick and angry. They’d also walked several paces further away.

 

            “Should we intervene?” Inej asked. Emilia shook her head gently.

 

            “Lily… she’s angry with Kaz. Why?” Inej questioned.

 

            Emilia took another deep puff that Inej suspected was intended to disguise the true expression on her face.

 

            “He never told her when Jordan died. He knew her address.” Emilia said in a whisper. “She wasn’t like me. He knew she existed. He knew that she’d been waiting to hear from his brother.”

 

            Inej sucked in a breath. Her immediate instinct was to protect her avri, but was that right?

 

            Inej watched as Kaz and Lily argued silently in the distance, having no clue what words were being exchanged and at whose expense. Inej imagined, for a moment, that her feet had been in Lily’s boots.

 

            If Jordie had been alive, and… Kaz had fallen, but he didn’t tell Inej, knowing how much she loved him… would she ever forgive him?

 

            Inej didn’t know. But she knew that indecisiveness was enough of an answer.

 

            “How did she find out Jordie was dead?” Inej whispered.

 

            “Same way I did. She helps me take care of Bram and Elena’s graves. One day, there was a third stone, but no Kaz.” Emilia’s eyes were focused on her pipe, but Inej didn’t need a good look to know the sadness that lived there.

 

            “I don’t know that I’d want to see him, if I were Lily.” Inej replied honestly.

 

            “She didn’t just lose Jordan. She viewed Kaz as her little brother, too.” Emilia paused with a look at her nephew and Lily, “Those bonds don’t break at betrayal.”

 

            Inej thought of Jesper. Once, he’d put her life in danger, however unknowingly. He’d been reckless and lost in the mist of his gambling addiction, desperate to appease bookies and collectors.

 

            Inej had forgiven him, because he was her brother in spirit. Family.

 

            “Did she believe either of you would ever see Kaz again?” Inej mumbled.

 

            Emilia watched Kaz and Lily for a long second, face colored thoughtful. “My first answer was immediately ‘no’. But she always listened to me when I told her about my different ideas about trying to locate him. She never rebuked me when I told her that I’d rechecked Ketterdam and Belendt registries. She also never doubted I was who I said I was.

 

            “I think she was afraid to hold hope. Can’t say I blame her, but I was never quiet about it. As much as it hurt to see Jordan’s gravestone appear on the hill one afternoon, it told me that somewhere, Kaz had to be alive. The inscription was too personal for it not to be him. I just never managed to figure out who’d ordered the blasted thing, if I had, maybe I would’ve waltzed into his Barrel and declared war just to make him chat with me.”

 

            Inej snorted with a nod. “He does like to take personal meetings when someone has a bone to pick with him.”

 

            “That’s all Winstrad pig headedness. His mother and I both, and then him. Surprisingly, it wasn’t something he inherited from his father as one might presume.”

 

            “Do you think she’s alright?” Inej gestured loosely toward Lily’s back in the distance. “What she did… what she can do… it’s…”

 

            “Revolutionary in the understanding of the small science?” Emilia finished for her as she tucked her doused pipe back into her pocket. “It is. As far as Lily goes… I’m not sure. Truth be told, I think it takes so much out of her because she never uses her abilities.”

 

            Inej nodded immediately. “Kaz and I have two friends who are Grisha, actually. We mentioned Nina, her unique abilities. We have another friend who was not trained in Ravka. They both say it’s like building up muscle. It hurts every time you do it until you build your body up the way you would with even basic cardio.”

 

            Inej pondered on whether she should speak the other half of her spoken  words. Being Grisha meant Lily would live long… if she used her powers regularly. If she didn’t use them, it could even make her more prone to illness and fatigue. At least, that was Inej’s understanding as both Nina and Kuwei had described it to her. She’d never truly broached that portion of the conversation with Jesper.

 

            Before Emilia could respond beyond a small nod, Kaz was limping back to them. Without Lily.

 

            Instead, Lily was walking back down the path, her gait lending validation that it had not been a good conversation. She was nearly stomping.

 

            “Where is Lily going?” Emilia asked, brows pitched in concern.

 

            “Back to the morgue. She’ll meet us at Sadie’s if she decides to come.” Kaz rasped, voice graveled and exasperated.

 

            Inej noticed the way he ran his hand through his hair, knocking a stray piece to his brow.

 

            “What do you mean? She had decided?” Emilia asked.

 

            “Then we talked and she’s not certain.” Kaz snapped.

 

            “What did you say? Did you tell her anything about the help you require?”

 

            “What did I say?” Kaz scoffed bitterly. “I tried to explain to her, without telling her the logistics of a plan we haven’t even fully formed, why I did not want Adrie involved.”

 

            Emilia hummed. “She wants Adrie’s opinion.”

 

            “Yes, and I told her to let it go. She’s not welcome.”

 

            “And Lily didn’t want to hear that.” Emilia surmised.

 

            “No. She fucking didn’t.” Kaz replied coldly. “All she wanted to tell me was my errors, which I’m already far to familiar with.”

 

            “Kaz,” Inej tried, hearing the exhaustion layered behind his words. He acted as if he hadn’t heard her at all.

 

            “We should talk about this. Alone. We’ll meet you at Sadie’s, Emilia. Wait for Lily for half a bell. If she doesn’t show, well then I need about a gallon of coffee and about two more fucking weeks to solve this problem.”

 

            Emilia raised a brow. “Fine, you seem like poor company at current anyhow.”

 

            Kaz released a slow breath as he began walking toward the cemetery gates, leaning heavy on his cane.

 

            “’Nej.” He called over his shoulder. Inej rolled her eyes. He knew damn well she’d follow when she pleased.

 

            “I can’t apologize for him, but I would if I could.” Inej whispered to Emilia before trotting after Kaz. Emilia smirked.

 

            Kaz didn’t speak immediately. Instead, they set a brisk pace toward town on the dark streets of Lij. Occasionally they passed other patrons on their way home, but here, no one paid the two of them any mind.

 

            In Ketterdam, people would have backed away from the sight of the two of them on the street in the dark. Whether in fear of Kaz’s slippery fingers or her visible blades. Inej tried to enjoy the normalcy, but it was hard when she all but heard Kaz’s thoughts echo in her own mind.

 

            After she heard him take a rattling breath, clearly intended to be concealed by the click of his cane, she stopped him.

 

            “Kaz. Your leg. Stop being stubborn and pushing it. I know you’re not feeling well.”

 

            Kaz paused next to her and slipped into the shadow of an alley beside the sidewalk. He closed his eyes as he leaned against the brick wall, chest heaving.

 

            “I’m fine, Inej.” He growled despite his clear relief at the break.

 

            “Lie to someone else, mera chaar.”

 

            He cracked an eye to her.

 

            “You’re doing the thing.” He rasped.

 

            “What thing?”

 

            “You’re pursing your lips because you’re irritated with me.”

 

            “And? Are you surprised?”

 

            “No. I just like it when you do that.”

 

            “Kaz.” Inej groaned, pacing away from him.

 

            “What? What do you want, Inej?” He asked, voice quiet.

 

            “I want you to slow down for a second and speak to me in truths.” Inej threw up her hands. “You’ve not even elaborated on how you and Emilia truly want to use Lily’s ability. I haven’t even decided that it’s a good idea and we’re running out of time and you’re omitting things from me.”

 

            Kaz’s eyes were open now and some of his previous harshness leaked from his expression. His shoulders loosened a fraction beneath his blazer.

 

            “I don’t know that it’s a good idea, Inej. But it’s all I’ve got. And we need Lily, who just so happens to hate me with good reason. In fact, most who hate me tend to have excellent reasoning.”

 

            Inej sighed. “She doesn’t hate you. Emilia told me why she’s angry. But that’s not even what it really is, and you know it. She’s hurt, Kaz.”

 

            Kaz chewed on the inside of his cheek, a muscle ticked in his jaw. He was embarrassed, ashamed. To someone else, he might look angry. Inej saw the truth.

 

            “My worst crime wasn’t even committed under my chosen name, Inej. It was all Rietveld.” He confided in a graveled whisper.

 

            Inej stepped toward him and made sure he saw her hands coming, especially after the past bell spent in a morgue. She cupped his face with both hands and tilted gently until he looked down at her properly.

 

            “You were a child, Kaz. You made a big mistake. She’ll see that. But I don’t think you’re recognizing what hurt her the most.”

 

            His eyes searched hers, but she would not give him this answer. It was not hers to give. It was Lily’s, if Inej was right in her crude understanding of a stranger’s pain.

 

            “Do you trust her enough to share the voyage and our identities, if she is wiling to hear it?” Inej mumbled softly.

 

            Kaz stayed still beneath her hands, deep eyes locked on hers. A puddle of amber from the streetlight carved shadows on his cheekbones, illuminating the strain under his expression.

 

            “I do. I trust Lily, even if I don’t know her anymore. She trusted us, too.”

 

            “Then I trust you. And Emilia. Who you were quite rude to, I might add.”

 

            “I know.” Kaz grumbled. “I know.”

 

            “Then let’s get on with it. We meet them, or Lily doesn’t come, and we figure it out from there.”

 

            “Knives drawn, then?” He asked.

 

            “Pistols blazing.” She confirmed.

 

            His own hand came up to her face and he drug a finger over the shell of her ear. It was a delicate touch, adoring.

 

            “Let’s hope we work this plan out before we leave with some time left over.” Kaz whispered, gaze trained on his fingers path.

 

            “With time to spare, why?” Inej smiled despite the anxiety that still pooled in her chest.

 

            “Because there are too many things I’d much rather be doing with you before you set sail.” Kaz answered hoarsely.

 

            “Such as?”

 

            His lips quivered into a crooked smirk.

 

            “Kaz!” Inej huffed over a laugh.

 

            “What? Forgive me, darling. I’ve not worked out enough stress.”

 

            “Getting bedded has made a monster out of you.” Inej giggled when he kissed her nose smugly. His eyes softened as she laughed, the darkness in them just slightly hazed.

 

            “I love you, Inej.” He said. His voice was not soft, but instead, sharp. Certain.

 

            “Now let’s go and hope we get somewhere productive before I decide to just commission Wylan to make some truly nasty bombs to send in on a skiff to Kane’s fortress.”

 

            “And they call you a scheming mastermind.” Inej jested.

 

            His laugh shuddered against their brick surroundings.

           

            It was coarse and rough, and exactly the noise Inej had needed to hear. His laugh was safe harbor in a sea of teeth closing in by the hour.

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Chapter 156: Coaxing

Summary:

Some talk. Some action.

Notes:

CHAPTER 156!!!!!

Hi guys!!! <3 I'm back. SOOOO.... this one is a little bit more filler, but this I promise holds some action too. I ALSO just loved it and couldn't bear to cut it, not to mention some of it is truly crucial for the story. <3 I PROMISE that the next chapter will hold some more kanej, I know this one holds very little ultimately. I also promise that we're getting to some serious angst and action. Trust me? Anyways, I hope you love it. I do, actually, very much like this one.

Thank you forever, dear readers. I know I'm a broken record, but I love you.

I'd adore hearing from you guys in the comments, if you have the time. I've been a little low lately and I could really use the boost up. But I understand if you don't<3 I just love reading your thoughts, and I wish I could promise responses to every single one but I do read them all. Thank you and come chat? :)

"Psycho Sadie" by The Richie Scholl Band (EMILIA EMILIA EMILIA)

EMILIA

 

            “I thought I told you to wait half a bell for Lily?” Her nephew rasped as she approached the corner just before ‘Sadie’s Inn & Tavern’.

 

            “Fuck off with your commands.” Emilia shrugged, already noticing the slightly gentler hold Kaz had on his cane, the looser mold of his jawline. Still sharp, but less muscle was being funneled into grinding his teeth. He’d regained some calm, evidenced in the way he stood.

 

            At her comment, his mouth moved into a crescent of a grin. It was the only apology he’d offer for his rudeness, and it was all the groveling Emilia would accept. It was an easy understanding that she was grateful for.

 

            Inej was beside him, perched on the back of a bench. She smiled in greeting.

 

            “Besides,” Emilia began. “I doubt Lily would be happy to see that anyone was waiting out there for her when she herself is apparently undecided on whether to attend this… gathering.”

 

            Kaz nodded slowly, back pressed against the bricks behind him. A few paces away, a couple spilled out of Sadie’s. The woman tumbled in the man’s arms, both of them laughing and clearly intoxicated. The three of them went unnoticed as the drunkards slurred and limped toward the dark town square beyond.

 

            Emilia tied each of her thoughts down, like the unforgiving laces of a whale bone corset. She refused to think of Adrie.

 

            Silly woman, you aren’t that broken hearted girl anymore. That girl died under a country porch awning, a lantern spotlighting her despair.

 

            Emilia had gotten good at it, pretending Adrie was a figment of a past life. She’d become skilled in casting Adrie’s green eyes in the specter silver of a memory, never to be lifelike again.

 

            How long had it been since she’d seen her in town? Surely, at least six months. Emilia avoided the Hudsons’ like the Saints evaded Ghezen.

 

             It was better that way.

 

            Now, as Emilia sat down on the bench next to Inej’s booted feet, Kaz lurking behind them, she turned her mind to more pressing matters.

 

            She’d need to prepare a syringe for Milan Arkten tomorrow morning.

 

            Her parting gift for her nephew still needed last minute stitching. She didn’t want to allow herself to ponder on that goodbye. Still, her chest tightened in panic that she hid under the guise of adjusting her coat.

 

            Elle, will I have to let him go for good? Is that what he’ll want after all this? Elena. Sister. Was this hello a well-tailored tailcoat of a farewell?

 

            Kaz had said nothing of it. Not since they’d sat on the porch and ripped themselves apart to reveal tattered innards coated in the same blood. That hadn’t felt like an ending of their family.

 

            It had felt like the hesitant peek of a green sprout in spring. A terrifying beginning with all the possibility of death and all the promise of lively beauty.

 

            Emilia clipped at her thoughts with the ruthlessness she harnessed for each design. Nothing that wasn’t serving a purpose needed to be cut. Beauty was a purpose. Pockets were a purpose.

 

            Sewn shut pockets and infinitely looping thoughts were useless. Pointless noise she couldn’t afford to lend an ear to. Not when this voyage Kaz and Inej had shared with her stood to be so important.

 

            Not just for Inej. Not just for the people she stood to rescue from the immoral flesh trade. But for the world. For Kerch and Ravka.

 

            What if what Inej Ghafa accomplished, with the help of her nephew, could begin to tear down the backwards beliefs of an entire world? What if a war could be prevented, and a corrupt society could be stopped before it laid even one more brick into its foundation?

 

            Emilia wasn’t sure exactly why Lily had become enraged with Kaz, but she knew they needed her. Kaz needed to make amends, somehow. Not for the past, if that were even possible, but rather for the single argument this evening.

 

            If Emilia were honest with herself, she loathed asking Lily to put herself into the Ravkan crown’s line of sight. All Lily had ever wanted was a normal life. She’d never had a particle of want for the confines of the Grisha military on a foreign coast. She’d also never wanted to be a pawn to Kerch’s own government, all those mercher’s in their badly tailored suits and twisted little politics.

 

            Emilia breathed in the night air, glanced up as Inej drug a small throwing blade across a cloth, the metal glinting clean under the streetlight. With a peek over her shoulder, Emilia caught a second shine. A coin bumped over Kaz’s knuckles as he stared out into the evening, eyes far away.

 

            The soft click of heeled shoes against the dirty flagstones alerted the three of them to approaching company.

 

            Lily appeared; coat tucked neat around her. Her red hair trickled over her shoulder and shimmered copper. Her hands were tucked into her pockets, elbows set at sharp and nervous angles.

 

            Elena’s locket hung out of her collar, the tarnished silver barely even catching the light. It was dulled with age, just as Emilia’s was.

 

            Elena had given her a matching locket for their shared eighteenth birthdays. Once, when she’d first spotted the heart on Lily’s throat, Emilia had been disappointed that Elle hadn’t been buried with hers, that Bram had clearly overlooked it.

 

            Now, Emilia was thrilled of it. Jordan had given it to Lily, and Emilia knew his mother would have condoned it if she’d been alive. Lily had never confided if Jordan had put anything within its tiny chamber, but once, Emilia had caught the red head snapping the piece shut, blue eyes shining more sea than dry sky.

 

            Emilia’s own locket held nothing. Her sister had meant for it to be that way.

 

            “Symbolic, sister.” Elena grinned in their childhood bedroom, sunlight playing chess across the sheet of her dark hair. Emilia had been sitting at their vanity, Elena on the bed. Emilia had been cast in comfortable shadow, her twin in the warm sunshine.

 

            “It doesn’t feel like much of a gift to tell me I have nothing in my heart, Elle.” Emilia had snorted, opening and closing the little locket that matched the one Elena already wore on her throat.

 

            “That’s not what it means!” Elena kicked Emilia’s ankle with her own, indignant and giggling.

 

            “What does it mean then, little sister?” Emilia smirked.

 

            “By nine minutes, you witch!” Elena huffed, a pearly smile decorating her rouged cheeks.

 

            “It’s far more complex than an empty locket.” Elena began, reaching forward and unlatching the heart in Emilia’s hands. “It means we both have the power to open our hearts and close them, we will never be powerless in that. Even if Mam and Da wed us off. We choose. But….

 

            “We can never shut our hearts to each other. We share the same one.” Elena was looking down, smiling at the little treasure.

 

            Emilia stared at her sister. Her sister who knew Emilia never wanted to be forced to love a man; how trapping that love had felt, even in only sheer idea. Her sister, who loved Emilia for exactly who she was and had never once shared their parents twisted outlook.

 

            Elena, her twin, who had never once shut Emilia out of her heart.

 

            It was in that silly little bedroom, clutching cheap hearts, that Emilia had first believed in her own worth.

 

            Emilia blinked when Adrie stepped up beside Lily, cheeks reddened by the breeze.

 

            “I want Adrie’s opinion on whatever you all have to ask of me. No, she didn’t ask me to hear what you have to say. I value her opinion and asked her myself to come. Unprompted. If someone dares to suggest I’ve been manipulated as a grown woman one more time, I’ll turn you to bones for the foreseeable future.” Lily spoke soft and quiet, low enough that any nearby ears beyond their own group would not be able to catch her words.

 

            Kaz was standing straight now, frustration lingering on his every silent exhale. Inej looked contemplative, nervous. Lily

 

            “I know you don’t know me, but I am trustworthy.” Adrie spoke to Kaz and Inej.

 

            “Vouch for her.” Lily said to Emilia, leaving no question mark hanging. Adrie shifted uncomfortably, tucking a lock of tawny gold behind her ear.

 

            Emilia felt Kaz’s eyes on her profile, picking her expression apart for signs he could interpret.

 

            “I told you what we have to share is as sensitive as what you shared with us, and you expect us to trust a stranger?” Kaz rasped, dark eyes narrowed. His signing followed.

 

            Lily took an angry step forward. “Inej, when have we previously had the pleasure of acquaintance before this evening?”

 

            Inej cleared her throat. “Never.”

 

            Kaz sighed.

 

            “Show me the courtesy I showed you, Kaz Rietveld.” Said Lily, “Trust me the way I trusted you, even when I had no reason to do so.”

 

            Kaz’s face twisted in aggravation. “Fine.”

 

            “Shall we, then?” Emilia asked, carefully keeping her gaze away from Adrie. She’d thought she’d seen her once and for all tonight. It was too much to see her again.

 

            “You didn’t vouch for her.” Kaz stated. “Can you vouch for her, Aunt Emilia?”

 

            Not the ‘aunt’.

 

            Emilia looked up, eyes accidentally landing on Adrie’s. Once, she’d known those eyes in every light and every emotion.

 

            Once, those eyes had saved her life from a sea away.

 

            “I can.” Emilia said slow yet confident. Adrie’s lashes fluttered on a startled blink.

 

            Emilia pulled her eyes away and met Kaz’s gaze.

 

            His lips were thinned, dark brows pinched.

 

            “Alright.” Kaz said, then. “Inej?”

 

            Emilia ignored the flare of pride behind her sternum. That light and simple word from Kaz had meant three heavy and more complicated ones. ‘I trust you.’

 

            The suli woman looked between Emilia, then Adrie and Lily.

 

            “Alright.” Inej whispered, standing up from the bench. Her blade was once again hidden somewhere on her person, probably long before Adrie and Lily could have seen it. Then, the small woman’s voice changed, lowered. “Don’t make me regret it. What we have to discuss means everything to me, and I will come for you if damage to this trust comes to pass.”

 

            Emilia swallowed. Kaz only nodded his agreement.

 

            “I don’t know what that means.” Lily answered.

 

            “You don’t want to find out.” Kaz mumbled, signing to Lily in tandem. “Even if you do not agree to help us, the information we share cannot be spoken of again. Do you understand? We of course agree to the same terms regarding your abilities, Lily.”

 

            Lily and Adrie both nodded, albeit hesitant in the wake of Inej’s not-so-veiled threat.

 

            “The deal is the deal, then.” Kaz rasped, one leather hand outstretched to Lily.

 

            Lily took a deep breath, reached forward, and made a deal.

 

            “The deal is the deal.” She signed slowly, her voice hushed and trembling.

 

            The words lingered in the air around them like the threat of a storm.

 

            For Emilia, it was welcome. A heavy atmosphere kept her hope tethered to the ground.

 

           

 

INEJ

 

            Their group of five pushed through the creaky old doors to Sadie’s tavern to find the place filled. Men laughed and tipped back glasses. Staff balanced heavy trays of ale and plates between the little wooden tables, all with a dexterity Inej didn’t even think she could emulate.

 

            Dice shook in cups from a large table near the front, filled with men and women alike. It was loud, in that hushed sort of way. Nothing stood out, no conversation safe from bleeding into the next. Life buzzed around, clinking and laughing.

 

            Warmth kissed Inej’s cheeks from the roaring hearth and the people alike, she immediately craved the removal of her spring coat. Behind the bar, Sadie was pouring two, no three, drinks in a line. Expert wrist movements led not a single drop of spirits to waste.

 

            “Excuse me,” Emilia mumbled as she shoved silently through the wide tavern toward the bar, leaving them all to loiter in the entry square.

 

            Kaz was stoic beside her, eyes burning in the golden light. His gaze was fixed on the back of Lily’s head. Adrie shifted on her feet uncomfortably as several people waved at her, all from different tables. She said polite hellos over the din but made no move to leave her place. She uttered her kind excuses when a woman tried to invite her over for a game of cards, honey southern voice easy despite the clear ridge her shoulders cut beneath her coat.

 

            Inej could see Emilia at the bar, leaning forward and sharing hushed words with Sadie. After a moment, she gestured them over. Inej and Kaz walked around the perimeter of the room, both of the same mind to avoid as many clusters of people as possible. Lily and Adrie had no such qualms and navigated the sea of tables easily, right through the crowd.

 

            Sadie didn’t greet them, already hard back at work. Instead, Emilia guided all of them toward an empty table set in the farthest corner of the room, set into an alcove beneath the stairs. It was more of a booth of sort, two wooden benches along a rectangle table. But it was more private than any other space in the tavern, and for that Inej was only grateful.

 

            They weren’t really going to discuss these plans here, were they? Inej whispered as much to Kaz as they trailed behind his aunt and the others.

 

            “No. Absolutely not.” Kaz whispered in return. “I doubt that’s what Emilia’s angle is either.”

 

            “What’s her angle, then?” Inej hummed softly.

 

            “Food and drink makes every living human less irritable. I’m ‘hangry’ remember?” The corner of Kaz’s mouth lifted in a smirk. Inej nudged his shoulder with a tiny laugh.

 

            “Yes, well. I think I could use a glass of kvas after the past two bells myself.” She muttered. She felt Kaz’s hand smooth over her lower back, a touch of comradery.

 

            “I’m still buzzed off the Lakeshine, mera nadra.” He winked as they both side stepped a haggard looking waiter, his tray of empty dishes balanced precariously on one forearm, a wiggling stack of glasses in his other hand.

 

            Inej smiled at Kaz, but she knew the both of them were regressing into the harshness they’d need to get through any further conversation and an entire meal. Kaz straightened his tie as they rejoined the group.

 

            Kaz slid into the bench first, ignoring the way Emilia, Lily and Adrie stood somewhat awkwardly before the alcove. Inej followed suit, as did Adrie and Lily on the other side, Lily closest to the wall across from Kaz.

 

            Inej glanced up as Emilia’s eyes flicked between the two options before her. Inej scooted over to make room, plastering her to Kaz’s side. Adrie would be next to Kaz’s aunt if she had to sit on the other side.

 

            Emilia raised a brow at the cramped quarters, eyes grazing the room for a chair to steal. There weren’t any nearby.

 

            “Don’t worry he likes me in his lap.” Inej said without thinking.

 

            Lily pulled a face that lingered somewhere between amusement and disgust. Emilia was already laughing as she settled down on the bench, close enough that her delicate fragrance tickled Inej’s nose. Roses and something darker, more like evergreen or expensive wood polish.

 

            Inej glanced at Kaz, who had closed his eyes in the wake of her joke.

 

            “Your face will get stuck like that.” Emilia said to Lily. The red head groaned.

 

            “Sorry,” Inej smiled sweetly. Adrie fiddled with her hands in her lap, silent.

 

            Lily waved Inej off as Kaz grumbled. For the first time, Inej saw Lily grin. Straight white teeth and pretty cheeks. Dazzling, if Inej had to name it. She’d seen her half-smirk, nearly laugh. This was the first genuine smile Inej had seen.

 

            “It’s alright, Inej. It brings me joy to see the boy I knew being tortured a little bit.”

 

            Kaz glared at Lily from his corner, but Inej felt his hand wrap around her thigh beneath the table.

 

            “Glare all you like, Kaz. It’s hard to be intimidated by someone you had to coax down from a tree when he was five and got too scared to come down.” Lily signed and spoke.

 

            “You said you’d never say anything about that!” Kaz rasped, voice more dismayed than Inej thought she’d ever heard. She’d never heard his tone crack like that, the remnants of embarrassment from his childhood coating his throat.

 

            Inej couldn’t help it. She laughed.

 

            “Saints, really?” Inej asked.

 

            “Don’t.” Kaz glared at Lily, and she smirked right back at him. Yet, Inej saw a spark in her fiancé’s eyes. It was only a piece of golden confetti in the smoke of his irises, but it shined all the same. It was fondness, despite his displayed irritation.

 

            Inej didn’t think Lily had forgiven Kaz, nor did she think Kaz had truly spoken to Lily about much of anything… But it felt like a pause to the arguments. A fragile truce for the space of a meal.

 

            Emilia was muffling laughter beside Inej, too. Adrie had yet to speak, but Inej noticed the way her eyes flicked up when Kaz’s aunt made the sound.

 

            “Fine, I won’t. Some other time then, Inej.” Lily smiled at her again and Inej could only relax into the moment of calm, where they could all pretend to be normal people, having normal conversation.

 

            Before another word could be spoken, a lively old waitress was before them and offering water and a platter of cheeses and breads. None of them bothered to ask for a list of the menu for the evening.

 

            “Specials for the whole table.” Emilia took the lead. “And a bottle of red kvas. Throw in a whiskey, too.”

 

            “Make that two.” Kaz added.

 

            Inej looked over the room, and it was then that she noticed how people were glancing at their group from the corner of nosy eyes. She realized that head turned discreetly, observing. Conversation did not die, and certainly the room did not quiet. But it was unsettling, here in Lij.

 

            In Lij, for a moment, they’d just been Kaz and Inej.

 

            “It’s not you they’re staring at, the lot of nosy chickens.” Adrie said, clearly noticing how Inej’s gaze had drifted. The woman’s soft lilt jolted the entirety of the table’s eyes to her.

 

            “It’s me.” Adrie said quietly, cheeks burning pink. “I ain’t been in town much lately. Haven’t eaten a meal here in a year.”

 

            Inej wanted to ask why, but she saw Lily’s freckled face twist. Then, the red head reached for Adrie’s hand and wrapped her own around it with a clear squeeze.

 

            Inej watched as Adrie’s eyes closed, expression painful. Emilia was still beside her, watching.

 

            Inej heard Grief pull out a chair at this table, just to keep the mortician company. For whom Grief was a ghost of, Inej didn’t know. She only knew his signature in the corners of the woman’s eyes that glittered silver.

 

 

KAZ

 

            “We’ve eaten and you’ve not begun speaking.” Adrie broke the silence after nearly half a bell, by Kaz’s count. The silverware and wobbling glasses of spirits had been enough to hold the awkwardness at bay, but Kaz knew it was coming. He would have preferred to stay silent until they were all well out of this establishment. He’d planned to direct Adrie and Lily to follow himself, Emilia and Inej back to the farm.

 

            “Why would we?” Emilia asked, swallowing the last of her whiskey.

 

            Adrie’s eyes bugged out of her face, head whipping between Lily and his aunt, as if to say, ‘do you hear this?’.

 

            “We will not be speaking of the matters at hand in public. We cannot, both for Lily’s sake and our own reasons.” Kaz rasped. Inej’s hand was rubbing along his leg absently, warm and comforting. He wanted to focus on that, wanted to simply say ‘fuck it’ and take her home and damn the consequences and the mission.

 

            He could not. He was a master of his craft, even out of practice. Clearly, his aunt was, too. This was the long game. They’d plied their mark with food and drink, kept suspense tucked tight between each exchanged word. Now, they were hooked.

 

            Part of Kaz hated how easily he could label Lily Arbor as a mark. A component to a scheme.

 

            The other part was glad of it. Kaz Brekker didn’t want to dive headfirst into the sentimental. Kaz Brekker wanted to get the job done and get paid. Of course, the payment in this instance was the safety of Inej and Nina, everyone aboard the Wraith.

 

            It was the largest haul Kaz had ever had dangling in front of him. It wouldn’t slip between his fingers. It couldn’t.

 

            “This is ridiculous.” Adrie growled lowly. “We should have just gone back to the morgue, then. We’re a bunch of sitting hens, afraid to show our eggs. Let’s just crack them and be done with it.”

 

            Emilia snorted.

 

            “What?” Adrie snapped.

 

            “Nothing.” Emilia shook her head. “I just prefer to keep my eggs close until I want to cook them.”

 

            Adrie rolled her eyes arms crossed against her chest.

 

            “Shall we return to the Morgue, then?” Lily asked softly.

 

            “No.” Kaz shook his head adamantly. “You’ll come to the house. We have the information needed to explain our situation there.”

 

            “All the way out to the Rietveld property?” Adrie looked affronted. “It’s nine bells, for Ghezen’s loving sake!”

 

            Kaz sent Emilia a look from the corner of his eye over the back of the bench, right over Inej’s head.

 

            His aunt seemed to understand.

 

            “It’s not an easy situation. A late night won’t kill anyone.” Emilia said gently.

 

            “Alright.” Lily nodded slowly before Adrie could respond. The two women shared a look that resulted in a deep sigh from Adrie’s lips.

 

            “Fine. Let’s go, then. We’ll have to retrieve a horse or two.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            Moments later, Emilia had left a decent stack of kruge on the table and the lot of them were wading through the mess of tables and bodies cluttering Sadie’s.

 

            That’s where it all went south.

 

            Inej was shrugging on her coat beside him in the small entry way, he reached forward to slip her braid out of the back, completely focused on the conversation ahead.

 

            Lily was already waiting outside the door that Emilia held open. Kaz could see some men smoking outside the tavern, a couple walking across the quiet street.

 

            Adrie was fixing her own coat, back turned on the room of rowdy patrons.

 

            Then, a voice rang out.

 

            “Your husband has been dead, what? Six months? And you’re already whoring around with your old lover, Adrie? Should’ve known.” A man shouted from a table just a few feet away.

 

            Kaz dropped Inej’s braid, shocked. He caught her eye as they both turned. The man in question was ruddy in the face, rotund in every way. His hair line was hidden behind at least a seven-head rather than a forehead. He had to be at least fifty, or the drink had aged him significantly.

 

            Adrie winced, spine curving. She shrunk, curled in on herself. Kaz saw her face, pinched and red. With embarrassment or hurt, Kaz wasn’t certain.

 

            “Em, don’t.” Adrie whispered a plea when the front door dropped shut with a slam. Her words didn’t matter, ultimately.

 

            Kaz flicked his eyes up, but all he caught was a flash of black curls and a well pressed coat. Then, the man’s head was pushed against the table, slammed nearly as hard as the door. The room quieted; silverware clinked as it dropped to plates.

 

            Emilia’s hand was pressed into the side of the man’s face, and she held him there. No one moved to stop her. Kaz’s mouth parted.

 

            “You fuckin’ Bitch!” The man bellowed; his nose burned scarlet in anger. Emilia didn’t let up, her face was blank, cold. Her eyes radiated enough, though.  She didn’t even react to his insult, didn’t let her gaze wander around the room. She met no eyes, let no one take her attention away.

 

            Kaz took a step forward when the man began to struggle, he heard Lily behind him, she stepped back up next to Inej. Adrie was taking shallow breaths, not even turned around.

 

            Kaz heard the click of a safety switching off. It rang through the room and his eyes immediately began to search for the weapon, his own hand drifting beneath his blazer to his pistol.

 

            He saw the glint of metal in the last place he expected it. His aunt’s hand, the barrel pressed against the man’s scalp.

 

            “You have a funny way of paying your respects to a grieving widow, Erkin. That’s not very southern hospitality of you, is it?” Emilia smirked. Erkin did not thrash again, only breathed hard against the table.

 

            “Now you listen, Erkin. If you don’t, I’ll take an ear to whisper my words to at a closer distance.” Emilia said lowly.

 

            Kaz held his cane tight. If anyone even stepped toward Emilia, he’d swing. He didn’t give a damn. He knew Inej had a hand wrapped around Sankt Petyr beneath her coat, too.

 

            The best part, Kaz thought, was that he didn’t think his help was needed. Emilia was his aunt. He was her nephew. This blood, he recognized. Theirs was concocted of the same unyielding demand for respect.

 

            Her threat would be something he’d recall next time he wanted to make a mercher piss himself in private, too.

 

            “You will offer your condolences for a good man, who loved his wife, to a wife who loved her husband. You were friends with Mr. Hudson, weren’t you? How do you think he’s feeling right now, out there in the dirt, knowing you trudge all over his name and marriage?” Emilia continued, digging the barrel of her little pistol in deeper. He jerked under Emilia’s hold.

 

            “I know, Erkin. I know. This is quite unfortunate. I truly do wish you hadn’t just admitted to the entire town that your dick is as shriveled as your manners, being held down by little me, after all. I mean come on; your poor wife doesn’t even feel it anymore. Oh, right. She left, didn’t she? Last month. Sad news that is.”

 

            “How did you know that?” Erkin cried through a sniffly groan of pain. Kaz imagined his neck to be aching already, what with the position. Good.

 

            Emilia leaned down close to him. She smiled, sinister and slow. “Your sister told me in the middle of the night.”

 

            He croaked obscenities as Emilia shoved off him, her pistol already tucked neatly back into her pocket. She began to walk away when Erkin reached out a hand to snag her coat, howling about her indecency.

 

            Erkin’s wrist never made its target. It had been a good while since Kaz had shattered bone with a cane. He’d missed the satisfying crunch, the vibration all the way up to his palm that came with a perfect snap.

 

            Erkin fell out of his chair, screaming and clutching his limb. Kaz was aware of the eyes on him. He couldn’t let his identity be tied back to Ketterdam, and he swallowed the real words he wished to impart on Erkin, who had clearly thought to assault Emilia in return.

 

            Voices began to whisper. Kaz heard Emilia gasp as she turned around.

 

            Kaz found his mark in the sea of enraptured faces. This was big drama for Lij. If this had been in the Crow Club, people would still be ordering drinks, oblivious to a little brawling. Just a Tuesday in the Barrel.

 

            “Sorry for the blood, Sadie. I just reacted.” Kaz pulled a small smile toward the bar keep, as innocent as he could manage. “I don’t like men who treat women so rudely, I just used… well, what I had.” He shook his head for impact, boyish and surprised at his own action. He shifted his cane between his hands, acting sheepish.

 

            Sadie waltzed forward from the mess of tables; she shook her head as she tossed her bar rag over her shoulder. “No, darlin’. He don’t tip. I woulda shot him if he’d laid a hand on our girl here.”

 

            “You’re lucky Mr. Rietveld is so kind, Erkin. You old sod. Get the hell outta my tavern.”

 

            “Thank you, Sadie.” Emilia grinned elegantly. “We’ll be going too, considering that was our goal in the first place.”

 

            Sadie raised a disbelieving brow at Emilia. “Now you, I know you brawl. But I forgive ya none the less. He’s rude. Are you alright Mrs. Hudson?” Sadie asked over Emilia’s shoulder.

 

            Adrie nodded, already halfway to the door. She didn’t say a word as she left, Lily on her heels. Inej waited for him and Emilia by the door, eyes following each face in the crowd.

 

            Sadie clapped her hand over Kaz’s shoulder and tossed a rag at Erkin, still on the ground. The men around him hadn’t even dared to help him up. Remarkably, Kaz managed to stay still until her fingers left his coat. He released a silent breath.

 

            “Mop up your blood and get out.” Sadie smiled sweetly. Then, she clapped her hands together loudly. “Back to business, show’s over! A round on me for the interruption!” She yelled to the room, marching back to the bar.

 

            Just like that, Lij returned to their chatter. Drinks began to pour before Kaz could even turn around.

 

            Emilia was already gone from sight, but Inej held the door for him as they made their way into the brisk evening air.

 

            “Saints.” Inej breathed as they stepped away from the tavern. Kaz nodded beside her, already mentally making an addition to his to-do list. Clean this false cane of Erkin’s blood. He was glad he’d broken skin with his swing, but he preferred a pristine weapon.

 

            Emilia was standing a few paces away, puffing her pipe.

 

            “That was fun.” Kaz snickered darkly when she shot him a look.

 

            “Later. Let’s get back to the house.” Emilia mumbled. Kaz could see now that she was still angry. He knew why, and he wouldn’t press her on it. Adrie had been insulted.

 

            Kaz had killed men for daring to speak to Inej in anything but a respectful tone of voice. He didn’t regret it.

 

            “Where are Lily and Adrie?” Inej asked, peering into the dim light.

 

            “They’ll meet us there.” Emilia said quietly, her usual bite lacking in her voice.

 

            “Are you alright?” Inej asked her.

 

            Emilia swallowed. “Fine.” She marched across the street, heading for her horse at the waiting post.

 

            Inej sighed, but Kaz took the time to slip his gloves off. He pulled her hand into his as they walked.

 

            He hadn’t noticed until the air kissed the skin of his fingers, but he’d longed to take his gloves off for hours. His hands had sweat.

 

            He’d not felt that before.

 

            Relief when he took his gloves off, in the middle of a town. Even in the quiet night, it felt… good.

 

 

LILY

 

            The Rietveld farmhouse loomed ahead of her. Of course, she’d seen it countless times over the years since Jordan and Kaz had departed.

 

            This was the first time she’d approached it to find a light on the porch lit, just as she’d remembered from her girlhood.

 

            They’d already arrived then. Kaz and Inej. Emilia too, most likely.

 

            Lily arrived last.

 

            Alone.

 

            Adrie had shaken her head outside of the tavern, made quiet excuses, and marched away, arms wrapped tight around her chest.

 

            Lily had wanted to go after her, back to their morgue.

 

            She hadn’t, in the end. She’d instead accepted that she had to do this alone, just as Kaz had asked her to in the beginning.

 

            Instead, she’d rented a horse in town and rode at a breakneck speed, eyes on the fireflies weaving between the stalks of wheat, a field of stars to match the cosmos above her.

 

            In her mind, she’d only been able to see the emerald sea of her dreams. She could see Jordie’s face, older now, maybe like Kaz in some ways. More like Bram in others.

 

            What if this thing Kaz needed her help with could lead her to… something else beyond the mundane life she’d allowed herself to fall into? She wasn’t unhappy. It wasn’t as if she’d lingered in sadness since her thirteenth year.

 

            She’d loved. She’d gotten an education. She’d worked. She’d made a friend or two along the way.

 

            But still, that sea haunted her dreams. Calling her to find the colors in the waking world, begging her for something.

 

            Lily tied her horse to the post in front of the house, a bucket of water already waiting.

 

            She stared up at the house, golden light leaked from the windows.

 

            In one, she swore she saw Jordan’s face, warm and sad all at once. She froze, stricken.

 

            He signed to her.

 

            “You promised you’d always take care of him if I couldn’t.”

 

            “I did promise.” Lily signed to the ghost of her first love. “I promised on every finger.”

 

           

 

 

            When Lily knocked, the door was opened by the ghost’s little brother, taller now than the distance he’d once climbed from the ground, too scared to jump down.

 

            “I’ll coax him down again, Jordie.” Lily signed in her mind. “I promise.”

 

            She walked inside the house, and for the first time in a decade, she inhaled the scent of Jordie Rietveld. It felt like two fingers and a thumb. The sign for 'I love you." 

Notes:

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EMILIA EMILIA EMILIA (Mommy, sorry?)

Chapter 157: For A Little While

Summary:

Flaws in the plan are worked out.

Notes:

CHAPTER 157!!!

Hi everyone! Okay. So, I almost didn't upload this. In fact, I had already cut most of this from the story to save again for my deleted scenes to be released after the end of DWOD. But, I decided to keep it and upload it for you. I know we've reached a little lull here, but I'm asking you to trust me. I have always told this story long hand, because that is what it demanded of me- in a way, to be the story I imagined. I promise this pay off will be worth it, we're headed back to Ketterdam. We're headed to the sea. We're reuniting and saying goodbyes. Please stick it out with me, we're moving. I just loved this one... and you'll understand. It's some moments that felt needed for Kaz and Inej. I hope you love it, I hope you trust me. <3

Thank you forever and ever. Seriously, you all have kept me going on more than one day. On hundreds of days, in fact, you all have kept my chin up, dear readers.

I'd love to hear from you as always. I just hope you can trust me through this little bit... I promise... It's going to pay off. <3 I can't wait. Sincerely, I never want to let you down.

"rest in peace" by BLU eyes (vibes, mostly. some lyrics...)

KAZ

 

            Flames caught on the log he’d tossed in the hearth, crackling teeth on a wooden feast. He stared down, heat licking the air around him.

 

            “Do you think Emilia was okay?” Inej asked behind him. He heard her toss her coat to the sofa.

 

            “Yes.” Kaz answered, because he believed it. His aunt had arrived at the farm right as they had, but she’d said she was taking a walk before Lily and Adrie arrived. He’d seen determination on her face, a mask he kept close to his own skin.

 

            Determination was a clever mask. Determination could be read as anger or sheer stubbornness. Determination was the perfect disguise for pain.

 

            Emilia was entitled to her own pain; it was not his to pry into the light. Nor Inej’s, or Lily’s. It was only hers, and he believed Emilia Winstrad determined enough to sort it through on her own.

 

            Shadows crept up the walls of the living room with spines of gold from the fire. The lacquer on the piano twinkled dull but alive. Perhaps, that was all the Rietveld family had been for a great long while.

 

            He was dull, but alive. Emilia, too.

 

            Kaz glanced at his bare hands as he warmed them in front of the hearth. He counted those red bricks, as he’d done so often as a child. Twenty whole bricks wide, one chipped down at the corner. That number at least had stayed the same. Bricks were not people. People were numbers he’d lost.

 

            Da. Jordie. Mama. Helvar.

 

            Kaz counted a different slew of numbers in his head, now. Those on his list to keep safe.

 

            He had more people than bricks, now.

 

            He counted Inej more than once. One for his Wraith. One for Captain Ghafa. One for his wife. One for his best friend. And one, just for Inej Ghafa, and everything she was. Five bricks, he labeled ‘Inej’.

 

            Jesper. Wylan. Nina. Aunt Emilia. Anika. Sharya Ghafa. Kahir Ghafa. Rahul. Khalid. Nani. Lily Arbor. Rotty. Pim. Marya Van Eck. Colm Fahey.

 

            Some of these people he’d not expected to lay bricks for in his mind, but their names flooded him, grout already laid.

 

            He was the twenty-first brick, chipped as it may be.

 

            “What are you thinking of?” Inej’s voice shook him from the list in his mind. He looked up to find her leaning beside the hearth, facing him from the wall.

 

            The whisps of hair around Inej’s face had curled from the wind on their ride back to the farm, coiling loosely in gentle brushes against her cheek, her jaw. The rope of her braid hung to her waist, messy, pretty.

 

            Kaz looked at Inej and saw her five bricks. He could give her a thousand more if it meant she’d be stone against the cruelty of the world. She already was, he knew, but not infallible.

 

            Her warm eyes caught his, and for a moment, he told her about his bricks without words. He blinked as the fire kissed her brown skin, reminding him how good she felt beneath his lips.

 

            Her lips curved into a sliver of a smile. Neither of them moved or spoke, but Kaz could only trace her face again and again.

 

            He wanted to tell her too many things to count.

 

            He wanted to pull the moon down from the sky and show her each violent crater. He’d point to each one and say, ‘Look how well they’ve healed under the protection of your love! I am this, and this is me. You helped me do this with bare hands and a kind, kissing breeze.’

 

            This was it, wasn’t it? It was a tickle of a realization, one that lingered between each vertebra, a ghost of the lightning he felt whenever Inej drew near. This was the moment he’d think of in only a few days’ time, when he would inevitably stand in their empty apartment, her things missing from the drawers, the lightning gone and replaced with only the faint scent of the sea.

 

            This would be the moment, he knew it. He’d remember her tousled hair, the sweet curve of the smile on her mouth. He’d reduce this moment down to angles. The rim of her lips, the sharp line of her posture. The arch of her black brows, the welcoming circle of her arms.

 

            “You changed everything for me, Captain Ghafa.” Kaz murmured, his voice thick with those bricks and angles. It was the barest confession he could give- small and unremarkable. Unpoetic.

 

            It was honest, without the lacquer of extra sentences. It was those raw words, he thought, that could maybe do justice to the sentiment he’d always wanted to convey.

 

            Inej blinked, black lashes fanning once, twice. She tossed her thick braid over her shoulder and fiddled with her hands, eyes never leaving his.

 

            “No,” said Inej, her voice silken and warm. “You were the plot twist, Kaz.”

 

            He shook his head, scoffing and somehow smiling down at the fire. He felt her move closer before she was lifting his arm to nestle her way into his side. He ran his fingers over the bumps of her plait, and he felt her thumb hook into the pocket of his trousers. Her head leaned in the crook between his arm and side.

 

            “I meant it.” Inej said quietly. “I didn’t ever expect this life. You. Us. I wanted it, but I didn’t even know what it looked like, not really.”

 

            “I want to keep finding out what it looks like.” Kaz admitted, throat stinging. He was glad of Inej’s new positioning, their height difference. She wouldn’t see just how broken his walls of defense were, in this moment he already knew was ‘the one’.

 

            The one he’d replay in his mind over and over again until Inej returned home to him from her voyage straight into the devil’s mouth.

 

            Inej hummed below him as he dipped his chin, breathing in her sweet shampoo at the crown of her head.

 

            “We will when I get back.” Inej spoke a long moment later.

 

            They both ignored the hesitation she’d had. His eyes burned, but he blinked the savage emotions away, cleared his throat. Inej needed his strength now. He needed his strength, too.

 

            Sentiment would do nothing when she was still here, tucked into his side.

 

            Instead, Kaz thought of getting through this conversation with Lily. He thought of finalizing the plan for Inej’s voyage, the notes he’d help her make to give to her crew before departure. He thought of the new knife he had for her, back in Ketterdam. He’d bought it on a whim, months and months ago. Before they’d ever even been engaged.

 

            Part of him had thought to save it as a wedding gift, but he wanted her armed to the teeth on the sea. He knew it was silly, she already was. Kaz didn’t care- he wanted her to have another knife to slit throats with. She could even think of him as she went about her violence.

 

            It was a twisted a lovely thought he was certain she might laugh at.

 

            “That was a nice crack, by the way.” Inej broke their silence. Kaz grinned as he glanced over at his cane by the door.

 

            “I think it was a clean break, actually.” Kaz boasted and he felt Inej poke him gently in the side.

 

            “I’ll be pleased to see your usual cane again; the noise is more satisfying.” Inej replied.

 

            “Agreed. I wonder if Anika got desperate enough to use it. To keep the rest of them in line, I mean.” Kaz rasped with a dark chuckle.

 

            “Saints, I think she’d just use her fists.” Inej mumbled, pulling away to peek up at him.

 

            “I think you’re right; she wears enough rings to make a punch hurt bad enough.” Kaz hummed.

 

            “She’ll be glad of your return.” Inej responded.

 

            Kaz nodded, eyes back on the flames. In a way, Kaz couldn’t wait to return to Ketterdam. Parts of him longed for the comfort of the Club’s numbers, the thrill of tallying profits and swindles side by side. He craved the heady smell of spirits and the crushed velvet of his new desk chair, in his new office, in his new building.

 

            All that he’d be missing would be Inej, and her presence beside him when he dreamt up his next moves. His next job, he thought, might even be legal. He had all this new territory with the acquisition of the Dime Lions’ turf. A second club? Maybe even a hotel and club combination. Not a brothel or a pleasure house, rather an eye sore gawdy enough to lure in pigeons from distant lands with heavy pockets.

 

            “I actually have something I wanted to ask you about, since it seems we’re waiting for the others.” Inej said quietly, squeezing his side before she pulled away.

 

            Kaz raised a brow as Inej disappeared into the dark of the kitchen down the hall, only to return a moment later. In her hands she held a leather folio, the front of the cover stamped with her sigil, the girl on the wire and a crow. Inside, Kaz could see the weight of documents, the pages threatening to spill.

 

            “What is it?” Kaz asked as he limped toward her. She sat on the sofa, and he followed suit, ignoring the little plume of dust their bodies sent up into the air.

 

            Inej tapped her fingers on the cover of the folio and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. He noticed the slight blush on her cheeks, the crease between her brows. She bit her lip, something she did when she was deep in thought.

 

            “Remember how I tried to read up on Kerch finances?” Inej asked. He nodded. He did indeed remember her attempt at deciphering his books about Kerch stock trading and the likes.

 

            “Well, it was for a few reasons. You bought my ship for me; you know that was expensive. Before you say, please don’t tell me the number. I know Wylan gave you a fair price but I’m still certain it would make me weep or vomit.” Inej smiled softly in his direction, and he waited for her to continue.

 

            He snickered internally, yes; he had spent a decent amount on her ship after the auction with his cut of the sugar kruge. It was worth every cent, and he’d never once regretted the purchase. It hadn’t cost him his full share, and besides, the money went back into Wylan’s pocket.

 

            As far as merchers went, he’d suppose Wylan was the acceptable one of the lot. Not only that, but the kruge he’d spent on her ship had allowed Inej to move forward in her life, and her cause. He’d still do it today. He’d still do it all over again, even if this life had sent her away from him for good.

 

            He’d have sent her on her way all over again, even if it would have meant forfeiting the chance to kiss her for the first time and every time after.

 

            “But my reasoning for wanting to learn was my ill-attempt at forward thinking. Four million kruge is more than I ever could have wanted, imagined or earned. That said… what I do doesn’t have an income beyond the metaphysical.”

 

            “Inej Ghafa, are you telling me that your saints don’t pay you a salary?” Kaz quipped. “I’d wager that falls under a violation of labor laws, even for the pious.”

 

            Inej frowned, giggles suppressed under her lips. She elbowed him in the shoulder. She gave him the look. Her eyes told him everything: “Be serious, Brekker, or there will be hell to pay.”

 

            “Fine, Fine.” Kaz chuckled under his breath. “Continue.”

 

            “Anyways,” She said with gusto, “my ship’s upkeep is expensive. Especially this last round of repairs… I gave Specht enough to do it, but it dented my account more than I would have liked. More than ever before. And I have to pay for the supplies when we return to the city and pay the crew an advance. We both know they have earned it, Kaz.”

 

            “How much?” Kaz asked, already organizing his various accounts in his mind. Whatever Inej needed, he could afford it now. They could afford it, now.

 

            Inej’s whole face fell. “No! No… that’s not… I’m not asking you for kruge, Kaz.”

 

            Kaz lifted a brow, confused. He didn’t like the way her voice had wobbled, embarrassed.

 

            “I can pay for it myself. I don’t need anyone to pay my way for me.” Inej added quietly, eyes turned to the folio in her lap.

 

            Kaz pulled words out in his mind and carefully organized them to the most effective- and kind- structure he could find.

 

            “Inej, using my kruge is the same as me using yours in my head. That is to say, they aren’t different columns in my mind. I wasn’t insinuating that you couldn’t do it on your own.”

 

            Inej glanced over at him, sighing and tapping her fingers against the leather again. He needed to elaborate, he realized.

 

            “I just meant… we’re doing this, Inej. Life. Together. I never really considered sharing a cent with anyone before… but I think since the day you came back to Ketterdam for the first time, I looked at it all as ours. Really, I shouldn’t have. It’s not pragmatic nor reasonable. But that’s the truth for you. That vow has been yours for two years now. What’s mine is yours. I would hope for the same in return, but I don’t expect it.”

 

            Inej’s brows pitched together. “You should expect it to be the same in return.”

 

            Kaz sighed when she frowned at him. He ran a hand through his hair, half listening for the sign that Emilia or the others had arrived. Silence.

 

            “I’m still getting used to the idea that what I have in my account is not all I have, I guess. I hadn’t even considered asking you to help me with the funds.”

 

            Now it was Kaz’s turn to frown. “I wish you would have.”

 

            “I’m learning, mera chaar. Perhaps this is one of the things you learned faster than I.” Inej smiled weakly.

 

            Kaz couldn’t help the twitch in his lips, the urge to cackle like a child.

 

            “What?” Inej groaned when she clearly saw something in his face.

 

            “Nothing.” Kaz shook his head.

 

            “Are you suppressing a laugh because you learned how to share better than I did?” Inej mumbled, mouth quivering at the corners and eyes dancing with amusement.

 

            Kaz huffed a laugh and reined it back in. “Yes. I’m soulless and faithless Kaz Brekker and I know how to share better than Captain Inej- in the running for sainthood- Ghafa.”

 

            “Kaz!” Inej groaned, flopping back against the couch. He heard the smile in his name even as she tried her best to frown.

 

            “I’m not sorry,” Kaz leaned over her and made sure she saw him coming when he placed a kiss against her temple. “I want you to understand that everything I have is at your dispense, fiancé.”

 

            Inej looked up at him with her wide brown eyes, smiling gently.

 

            “I think we should sit down and talk about everything we both have. Accounts and things under the table, too. I want you to know about it all.” Kaz rasped, the idea sounding better and better as he spoke. He wanted Inej to understand that they had no worry for kruge and wouldn’t ever again.

 

            “Alright,” Inej nodded slowly. “But that’s not exactly what I wanted to ask you for. I meant it; I’m not asking for kruge.”

 

            Kaz straightened when she did and gestured for her to continue with a flick of his chin.

 

            Inej took a deep breath as she opened the folio and he leaned close to examine the top pages. “These are all of my needs for the ship, my monthly budgets for supplies as I’ve done them so far. And over here,” She pointed to a second list on the top of the documents, “are the things I’d like to get. Upgrades to my mast, better materials. More secure chains for the canons. Perhaps new panes of glass for the portholes- and if I’m dreaming big, fabrikator made.”

 

            “Behind these are my lists of accounts and what I have in my safe at a bank in Os Kervo. I also have the same account I had when I was in the Dregs, I have a small sum there too. But the majority is in the account you opened for me after funneling the kruge from the sugar business.”

 

            Kaz nodded as she passed the folio to him. He flicked through the pages, seeing her notes in the columns and the numbers she’d written neatly for her own budgets.

 

            “What I want is… help making what I have work better.” Inej said in a whisper. “I’m not like you and Jesper, I don’t know what stocks to invest in, in order to start making kruge on the side. So, while I know you bring in kruge all the time, I want to make my own for the care of my ship. Personally, we might have enough,” She paused, “But I want to be able to pay my crew handsomely and afford the ship without relying on my savings.”

 

            Kaz flicked his eyes to her.

 

            “Our savings, joint and individual.” She corrected without him needing to voice what his look meant.

 

            “Can you… I want to learn. Can you teach me? Help me find better suppliers for our materials? Better rates? Anything, really. I’m not asking you to do it for me. I just don’t even know where to start.” Inej’s voice was small but steady. He knew what it meant for her to ask him to help with this, with her ship. She was embarrassed, but only because she hadn’t known how to ask.

 

            Kaz’s chest flooded with warmth, an acute fondness for the woman beside him. She was brilliant and had already navigated this better than anyone else would have, what without any experience in the Kerch financial climate. He could see it here, in black ink. She’d not cut necessities in favor of saving, but she’d also not been frivolous.

 

            “Inej Ghafa,” Kaz hummed, leafing through the documents, “I think you should talk this dirty to me more frequently.”

 

            Inej tilted her head back, laughing and exasperated all at once. He was certain she reserved that particular blend of expression only for him. He loved it.

 

            “Of course. Of course, I’ll help you.” Kaz grinned at the new project in his lap. This was welcome, something he could do to aid Inej whilst she was away. Something useful. Something to help better her life, something he was good at.

 

            Something he could teach her, too. Kaz wanted to give her his knowledge about the Kerch markets, about the best times to buy up stock and watch her own fortune grow. He understood. She wanted to do it for herself, she just needed a starting point and more knowledge.

 

            Kaz paused when he felt her lips on his cheek, a quick and bright flash of warmth. He looked over at her and found her grinning, toothy and pleased.

 

            “What? You thought I’d say no to sitting down and talking about the other woman in my life?” Kaz chuckled hoarsely when her eyes rolled.

 

            “Kruge is a ‘she’?” Inej chuckled.

 

            “No,” Kaz grinned back at her, “But mathematics are a ‘she’.”

 

            “Why?”

 

            “Because women tend to confuse the average man.”

 

            “A true feminist.” Inej laughed.

 

            “I try, darling.”

 

 

 

INEJ

 

            The fire had been warm and Kaz had sat beside her, and she’d finally sought the courage to ask him for his help with something she’d been sitting on for months.

 

            For a moment, all was well. There was no voyage or lingering threats of death, but instead only the glittering veil of peace and a kind horizon.

 

            That was until the knock at the door.

 

            Lily Arbor now stood in the Rietveld living room and Inej was sitting on the arm of the sofa, recognizing that for the woman before her, this was a return to a space she’d been before. It was odd in a way, for Inej. This house had been brand new to her, a place not yet filled with memories, but rather only of possibility.

 

            Lily looked like she wanted to run. Or weep. Inej wasn’t certain.

 

            Lily had just conveyed to herself and Kaz that Adrie hadn’t elected to come along. Inej couldn’t blame the woman, but it would be a lie to say she wasn’t a tad annoyed after all that Lily had done to convince them of her mentor’s trustworthiness. It had wasted precious bells. Perhaps Inej and Kaz could have been through this evening by now, and instead tucked away upstairs.

 

            It was a callous thought, after what was said to Adrie at Sadie’s. Inej knew it, but her nerves were beginning to fray.

 

            “Where’s Emilia?” Lily glanced around the room as she tucked her red hair back from her face, resecuring the tie at the base of her neck.

 

            “Out. She needed a few minutes.” Kaz mumbled as he leaned a hip against the wall by the hearth.

 

            “Were you waiting long?” Lily asked, eyes on Kaz’s face to read his lips.

 

            “No, we’ve only been here about fifteen minutes.” Kaz answered with a curt shake of his head.

 

            Inej turned her head when she heard a light rap on the door before Emilia pushed it open. Kaz’s aunt’s face was flushed from the night breeze, but she looked calm, more collected than she’d been earlier.

 

            “Oh, good. You’re here.” Emilia nodded at Lily, her eyes discreetly searching the room. For Adrie, Inej realized.

 

            “She didn’t come,” Lily said softly as she watched Emilia shrug off her coat. Emilia paused for only a fraction of a second before she continued to fold her coat over the piano. “It wasn’t… she wasn’t ready to be out in town. It wasn’t you.”

 

            Emilia nodded slowly, humming a noncommittal noise under her breath. “It’s better she isn’t here, anyhow.”

 

            Lily didn’t look convinced. Before tensions could rise, Inej decided to make her way to the kitchen in search of coffee and tea. Something to keep them all playing civil once the speaking started.

 

            Inej heard someone follow her as she lit the hurricane lamp on the kitchen table, she knew it wasn’t Kaz. The gait was too even. Feminine.

 

            Inej glanced over her shoulder to see Lily behind her. The woman stood in the doorway, glancing up at the yellow walls and the table in the center of the room.

 

            “I can help.” Lily said in her soft, husky voice. Inej only nodded and handed her a kettle to fill in the sink as Inej prepped the few mismatched jars and mugs they had at their disposal.

 

            “It’s weird.” Lily said quietly. “I haven’t been here in over a decade, and I still know the exact layout of this house, and I still know that I have to turn this knob twice to get the water to pump.”

 

            Inej glanced over at Lily, took in her profile. There was a smattering of freckles across a soft nose, her full lips were smiling sadly.

 

            “Twenty-four years old and I didn’t think a sink could make me close to tears.”

 

            Inej paused her movements, she knew Lily couldn’t hear her when she took in a sharp breath. It wasn’t lost on Inej what she was about to ask this woman to do for her. A stranger whose only tie to Inej was truly the man in the room behind them, a little boy from Lily’s past and Inej’s future husband.

 

            “Sometimes, I think those little things are the signs that our lives have been real.” Inej said, annunciating properly only when Lily’s blue eyes settled on her face.

 

            “It was real. I don’t know what you know about me, Inej, but I loved this family. They were like my own. I was so young, but I loved Kaz’s brother. I loved Kaz, too. Differently, of course. But I loved him. It’s weird to be here, so many years later.” Lily signed absently even as she spoke.

 

            “Jordie.” Inej smiled down at the cups on the counter before looking back up.

 

            “Don’t feel bad for crying at sinks.” Said Inej. “A boy learned a language for you, and that type of energy only comes from something true.”

 

            Lily nodded as the kettle began to whistle on the stove. Lily didn’t notice until she turned to see the steam.

 

            They didn’t speak again, the two of them simply existed as the mulled around each other, pouring cups of tea and water over coffee filters.

 

            Inej caught a glimpse of their reflections in the dark windowpane, Lily’s shocking red hair and her own dark tones in comparison. It was a glimmer of a different life, where perhaps there would be two dark haired boys in the other room, laughing and making promises on fingers.

 

            Kaz and Inej had fought for their love story with blood and teeth and shattered hearts. Sometimes, that wasn’t enough. Sometimes, love stories were dashed by cold water and rogue sickness.

 

            That truth was an ugly one. Perhaps, the ugliest.

 

            Inej put an extra cup on the tray, just for Jordie. She hoped that wherever he was, that that cup appeared and filled with steaming hot chocolate just like he’d shared with his brother. She hoped the Saints wouldn’t mind that she imagined adding just a splash of whiskey, too.

 

           

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

           

            “You… you’re…” Lily was stuttering over her words, her mug of tea forgotten on the piano bench beside her.

 

            Inej glanced up at Emilia who stood in the corner of the room, coffee mug in hand. Kaz was beside Inej on the sofa, leaned forward, fingers clasped between his knees. He’d left the gloves off.

 

            “Captain Inej Ghafa.” Inej repeated as Kaz signed her words, too.

 

            Lily made a squeak of a noise, eyes wide. She reached into her pocket and produced a black handkerchief. Inej watched as Lily’s pale fingers traced something in the stitching, almost reverently.

 

            Inej opened her mouth but didn’t get the chance to continue speaking.

 

            Lily turned the fabric in her hands to show it to them from across the few feet of space.

 

            Inej’s breath caught in her chest, the air trapped entirely. There, on Lily’s handkerchief, was her own sigil in dull gold thread. The girl on the wire, walking toward her crow.

 

            Kaz’s eyes widened, double taking. Inej was frozen beside him, back straighter than a blade.

 

            “You’re this Captain?” Lily whispered. “This is your sigil?”

 

            “Yes.” Emilia answered for her. Kaz’s aunt didn’t look surprised, and Inej supposed the elder of Kaz’s family had known Lily possessed this… she’d just been waiting for the information to be relevant. It was what Kaz would have done.

 

            “I didn’t know the captain’s name… only that her ship was called ‘The Wraith’.” Lily mumbled, words slurred and shocked. “They didn’t put your name in the papers that I saw. Granted, I don’t always get the city post out here.”

 

            Inej didn’t think she could breathe. What did this mean? They’d only just told Lily who Kaz was. He hadn’t shared his story, only his new identity. They’d told her that the help they required could be dangerous but had barely scratched the surface on Kane or the voyage.

 

            “Why do you have that?” Inej breathed, trusting Kaz to translate. She could barely form the words, let alone ensure Lily’s eyes saw them.

 

            “I’m not the only one who does…” Lily shook her head, sapphire eyes glinting as she gazed up at Inej. Inej didn’t understand the look. The… awe.

 

            “You… You’re changing things for women in this country. Your ship is talked about, every time it shows up in the papers that you’ve docked in Ketterdam. Women know who you sink. The slavers. I met a girl once, she said that her coworker had been indentured in Ketterdam. She escaped, but not unscathed. She… she told her that the indentures were going to stop because a captain was out there, saving the girls like her. You… You’re a symbol.” Lily paused, her words slow and confident.

 

            “You’re the Captain of Liberation. Girls sew this symbol for you. Women have it added to the hems of their dresses.” Lily stumbled, choking on an astounded sort of laugh.

 

            “You… you…” Inej began. She was shaking. She didn’t realize it until Kaz’s hand curved over her bouncing knee, a comforting weight.

 

            “I didn’t know people knew of me beyond those I help.” Inej whispered.

 

            Kaz squeezed her leg. His eyes were soft in the light as he looked over at her, as if to say ‘I knew they’d talk. I’m proud.’

 

            “You knew who she was?” Lily said then to Emilia.

 

            Emilia nodded. “A mirror of my own mission.”

 

            “I… I can’t believe I’ve met you.” Lily shook her head for the umpteenth time. Her hair glowed maroon in the light of the fire.

 

            “I wanted to tell you, but this information can’t leave. You realize that, now?” Emilia spoke. Kaz signed and Inej was sad to feel his hand leave. He felt like a tether.

 

            Lily seemed to understand as she tucked her handkerchief back into the pocket of her trousers.

 

            Inej was spinning inside, twirling and flipping and shouting. She was also silent and scared.

 

            “And you’re Kaz, but Brekker...” Lily stated, confused as she looked at Kaz.

 

            Kaz’s head dipped in a brisk nod.

 

            “You… I…”

 

            “We need your help.” Inej shook herself into clarity. She couldn’t ponder on Lily’s knowledge of her.

 

            “What do you need?” Lily asked warily. “You said you were going after a slaver. Isn’t that what you do normally?”

 

            “I need you to come with me on my voyage.” Inej said as she rolled her shoulders back. “I need you to tailor me to look dead, along with a queen.”

 

            The fire crackled and Lily stared at Inej. Her mouth was slightly agape.

 

            No one made a sound.

 

            Then, “But your heart will still beat. It gives it away. If I turned you to bone, you’d be unrecognizable, and I suspect that’s what you need to be. Recognizable. Not to mention if I tailored you fully down to that level of decay, I’d actually remove organs. You’d die, in truth.”

 

            Inej shook her head, “Just dead enough… but you have a point…” Inej looked at Kaz. He wasn’t looking at herself or Lily. His head had turned to Emilia, and now he was glaring.

 

            “Your heartbeat won’t be a problem. At least, not for a few minutes.” Emilia said quietly, eyes diverted from her nephew.

 

            Inej understood, then.

 

            They were going to pull a Kuwei Yul Bo with Lily’s tailoring, Emilia’s poison, and Kaz’s scheme to use a false captain to sail the Wraith straight into Tournai Shimi.

 

 

            Inej was going to die. For a little while.

 

 

KAZ

 

            Jordie, I’m not fearless.

Notes:

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Come say hello!<3

So... can you trust me a little more, readers? This is going to most likely be the third to last chapter of the penultimate season of DWOD. Yes, that means... it's almost time for the final season. I don't know how to feel.

Chapter 158: These Tall Trees

Summary:

An agreement between old friends.

Notes:

CHAPTER 158!!!!!!
First of all for those who care not about the body of my notes, this is the content warning: This chapter contains mentions of suicide and self-harm. Please take care of yourselves, and I completely understand if you need to skip this one. Let me know & I'll include a summary of this chapter in the notes of my next chapter so you can still read on!<3 I care wayyyyyy more about your safety and mental health, dear readers. <3

HI HI HI HI! I AM HERE!!! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH.
Please forgive my absence, ultimately, this is just the nature of life, sometimes. I have continued writing though, and I can't wait to show you what is to come. I hope you're still here, because we're headed toward a WHOLE LOT of stuff in the next chapter. We're almost to the final season <3 Anyways, I love you all & I hope you love this one. It's Lily's story, but also Kaz's, in a way. <3

Yes, I know some of you are not interested in the original characters, but they do have a huge piece of my heart and mark this story with me, the author, too. They are a labor of love and will be a big part of the final season with all our Crows. So, I hope you end up liking Lily, too. I do promise there is some serious kanej only scenes coming up, too. <3 You know I don't skimp on the kanej moments.

PS also forgive if I missed anything in editing. This is quite a long chapter and I felt myself going cross eyed with exhaustion on the night I was editing, lol.

Thank you forever, dear readers. Thank you for waiting on me. I hope it'll be worth it.

I MISS YOU SO MUCH PLEASE COMMENT? (also, your comments single handedly motivate me. I love hearing from you guys and I'm sure my fellow authors can attest, we literally live for every single one. It means so much to us to know that someone is here, reading what we wrote, and loving or thinking or theorizing. <3) So please?

"In My Head" by Taylor Acorn (Lily's story. The lyrics. Seriously. LISTEN THIS TIME. PLZ)

***** PLEASE READ AUTHOR’S NOTE FOR A CONTENT WARNING BEFORE YOU READ THIS CHAPTER! *****

 

KAZ

 

            “The Ravkan Crown.” Lily whispered; her entire face pinched with anxiety.

 

            Kaz ignored the rolling wave of guilt that washed against his chest. At the moment, Kaz rather missed his remorseless days. There was no use being guilty. Lily would be safe from recruitment into the Ravkan ranks, of that, at the least, Kaz would make certain.

 

            “Yes, but I promise… No, I give you my word as a Captain, that you have nothing to fear from the current King and Queen. Even if your abilities fascinate them, I’m the one doing this job to aid the monarchy. They know damn well how I feel about any woman- any person- being forced to do something they don’t want to do.” Inej spoke with her head high, her eyes locked on Lily’s. Captain Ghafa had returned, winning hearts with her cutthroat code of honor.

 

            Kaz loved a just pirate. An odd pairing of term that when combined, made the most wonderous woman he’d ever encountered.

 

            Lily nodded slowly; breaths shallow. Emilia leaned against the wall, listening intently, just as she had for the past bell as himself and Inej had carefully navigated the laying of truth at Lily’s feet. They’d told her about the voyage, about why the crown had come to Inej for aid. A story laden with a corrupt shadow tier of government in Shu Han; politicians allied with both a slave trade mogul and the Fjerdans. Followed by the grim tale of trapped, potentially murdered, Grisha generals that were part of King Nikolai and Queen Zoya’s inner court. Not to mention the potentially hundreds of innocent civilians, from multiple countries, Kane ferried to his fortress for keeping before selling them off to the highest bidder.

 

            They’d told Lily about a war that was certain to come to Kerch borders in due time, if nothing was done. A war that could ravage the world even beyond the southern colonies and dismantle both government and faith.

 

            Kaz, the man that he was, cared for neither sector of civilization. What Kaz did care for, however, was economy. The tender bits of the government, the fat laden underbelly from which he carved his own scrub.

 

            If only to satisfy his own kernel of conscience, he admitted he cared about the people, too. Not the way Inej did, but he wasn’t entirely removed from his speck of humanity. Children did not deserve a war-torn world. This Ghezen forsaken plain of existence was cruel enough as it was.

 

            If Kaz were to think about it, he suspected that many of those stolen by Kane were ending up in Shu Han, too. A different sort of indenture than the usual Kerch malevolence. Kaz suspected that part of Kane De Vries’ appeal to the Shu Prime Minister was his ability to funnel hundreds of voiceless, terrified soldiers right to the capital’s back gates. There was no doubt in Kaz’s mind that those scared men and women, children, were being fed lies. “You’ll be safe if you sit down and shut up.” “Do what you’re told, and we might return you home.”

 

            A conscription based on fear to make a loyal shadow army of disposable soldiers.

 

            “And you run The Dregs. A gang.” Lily breathed finally, her hands ruffling through her hair in a nervous tick.

 

            “Yes.” Kaz answered without sentiment. He’d not lie to Lily, even if a dangerously large part of himself was thrashing. Now, two people in Lij knew his new identity. His Ketterdam-self.

 

            This house, this place, was supposed to mean freedom for himself and Inej. Not a soul was meant to link Rietveld to Brekker. No one should have known the name Captain Inej Ghafa in these backwater parts of Kerch.

 

            Yet, Lily did. Emilia did.

 

            Now, Kaz had loose ends. Loose ends he couldn’t tie up because, Ghezen damn him, he cared about them.

 

            Kaz glanced at his aunt, once again startling himself with how much he’d trusted her in so little time. Emilia’s eyes cut across the room to him and held steady, as if she knew he was considering his judgement once more. There was not even a drop of fear from Emilia, not a hint of trepidation. Instead, her eyes challenged him. Her irises were black and blazing pits, nearly identical to what he saw each day in the mirror.

 

            Then, Kaz realized, she’d shown himself and Inej her cards, too. Emilia was the so-called ‘Butcher of Belendt’. Emilia had committed murder, more than once, putting it subtly. Her own husband had been a powerful man, Kaz remembered her implying. No doubt, revenge had been sought on his behalf, even if Emilia had never caused the house fire that led to her freedom. Even if there was no proof of her husband’s true death- his aunt had been careful.

 

            Still, Emilia would have been an easy scapegoat for those who felt wronged by her husband’s death. Spurned employees out of a paycheck from a burned jurda empire. Perhaps even mistresses. Family, for all Kaz knew.

 

            Lij would have been the first place to look for her. Her husband had entered a marriage contract here in this town, paid a dowry for Emilia to his grandparents. Records existed, somewhere. Likely in the bottom of some rusted unlocked drawer in the village archives.

 

            Yet, Emilia walked the streets of Lij calmly. Emilia walked the streets like a woman certain she’d eradicated the last of that particular threat.

 

            Kaz tilted his head, his mind a snarl of mismatched existences. Emilia didn’t drop his eyes. He registered that Lily was asking Inej about Ketterdam, about the Dregs. He wasn’t listening, not really. Instead, he was attempting to link himself up with a chain of events he never could have planned for.

 

            His aunt. Lily. Their involvement in a scheme that, a week ago, Kaz would have absolutely sworn to himself he’d never share with a soul outside of Inej until they brought it back to her crew and the queen.

 

            The scheme. This scheme. This volatile beast of a plan that foamed at the mouth and snapped its jagged teeth at Kaz if he so much as looked at it from the wrong angle.

 

            Inej was going to drink poison, a thousand miles away from his scheming improvisation. If anyone could do it, it was Inej. He still hated it.

 

            A small, greedy part of him had hoped Lily might have been able to do something about that, Inej’s heartbeat, after he’d seen her display in the morgue. He’d cornered that little hope in the forefront of his mind, despite that he’d known Emilia had more than one reason to admit to her chosen method of murder: quick acting poison.

 

            She’d known what she brought to the table, and it hadn’t just been her knowledge of Lily. Kaz had toyed with the thought before Emilia, actually. Not Lily, of course, he hadn’t known of her abilities. But his mind had taken a similar route with his knowledge Nina’s skills in Lily’s place. He’d wondered if Nina could apply dead cells to Zoya, make her look weak. He’d tossed the idea out almost immediately.

 

            Weak could be a farce, easily ignored. Dead could fool Kane De Vries. Dead was dead.

 

            “But not really”, he reminded himself with a firm, snarling thought. Inej would be safe. She had to be. Had to be.

 

            Now, Emilia nodded once, imperceptible almost. She was answering him, in a way. His fear, his skittishness. Kaz didn’t know why, but he was grateful for it. For her quiet nod to the danger of this plan, and the wickedness she’d schemed in order to do something good, right alongside him and his Captain.

 

            “Kaz?” Inej called pointedly. He jerked his head away from Emilia, both of them blinking a return to the conversation.

 

            “Yes?” Kaz asked, voice gruff and raspy.

 

            “You need my help,” Lily began, “And I need answers.”

 

            Kaz’s thoughts slowed, no longer oiled to the scheme. It was a train’s engine, combusting in plumes of thick black smoke. In the dark mist, Jordie’s dead white eyes peered out at him. A water bloated hand beckoned him into the void of the past.

 

            “Answers.” Kaz repeated lowly, shaking his head free of the image.

 

            Lily’s sharp blue eyes staked him to his seat. She was terrified to aid them; it was evident in the tremble of her pale hands in her lap. Yet, she held those icy daggers firm.

 

            “What else do you need?” Kaz asked and signed. His voice was cold, the baritone fitting of a rather unpleasant negotiation in the Barrel rather than the truth; this terrible request of favor from a once-friend. A once-sister.

 

            A once-rescuer from too tall trees.

 

            Kaz felt Inej stiffen ever-so much beside him. Emilia’s gaze grated down his face, chipping away only a splinter of his mask. Inside, he winced. Lily wouldn’t hear his inflection, but his words were enough to set fires in her icy eyes.

 

            Three dangerous women stared Kaz down. The weight of their eyes, he was sure, would make his knees buckle if he stood.

 

            “Your words change shape when you wish to conceal something. They always have.” Lily said with an agitated sigh. The fire cracked, discordant and angry. It felt like a gunshot in the room to Kaz. A muscle ticked in his jaw, weary from the set of his defensive teeth.

 

            “You ask me to leave my life, sail on the sea under the request of foreign strangers who very well may wish to make me both weapon and possession, and yet you sit before me and denounce my singular request of an honest conversation.”

 

            “Could you not tailor Inej in Ketterdam? We could avoid sending you out. She’d take the… drug and antidote with her.” Kaz responded to only the first of her words.

 

            “No.” Lily replied with her hands and the shake of her head. “My tailoring does not last, it will fade. If Inej’s timing is off by even hours, it could be gone. A small storm could ruin the timing. This is assuming it takes less than a week to sail in the first place. It fades, slowly, revealing the truth beneath. It hardly matters when I fix a corpse for an open casket, but I know it fades.”

 

            “Not to mention that, in worst case scenario, we could have to take to harbor at a safe port. I’d need to have my face, and she’d have to give it back to me.” Inej mumbled beside him. Her face turned to him. Lower, she added, “This is the ace card, Kaz. Do you think it’s wise I hide my dead face from the crew for an entire voyage? Or were you of the mind that I show them, and let this valuable card be known to the entire ship, only to find out Zoya or I have a leak somewhere?”

 

            “Fine.” Kaz growled, standing to prod at the fire with the old brass poker. Inej was right. Of course, she was. A leak on the ship shouldn’t be a danger, there was nowhere to turn, but of course if the Wraith made port… Kaz wanted to swing his cane into something. Turning his back on the room allowed a breath, a moment free of hiding the rage in his eyes. He settled for angrily poking at the logs in the hearth.

 

            Kaz jolted when he felt a warm hand on his arm, trying to turn him around. He knew his eyes widened, there was no hiding the shadow of demons on his face when Lily’s hand gently gripped his wrist, bare where he’d rolled his shirt sleeves.

 

            His bad leg throbbed as he arched violently back from her, skin burning. He clasped his bare wrist tightly with his gloved hand. Lily’s brows pitched together as her hand fell slowly back to her side, awkward and fisted. His throat bobbed as he suppressed a stream of curses.

 

            Emilia hadn’t seen it, yet. His visceral reaction to unexpected skin-to-skin contact. He didn’t want to look at his aunt, even if she’d known, there had been no way to convey to her how sick he truly was.

 

            “Here you are,” his brother’s mocking voice slinked around his ears. A demon. The sickness. “You couldn’t play healed forever, could you?”

 

            Kaz closed his eyes. Swallowed.

 

            “Kaz,” Inej’s voice broke through the thunder in his ears, the lapping of murky water at his knees. His eyes snapped open to see Lily still standing across from him, her blue eyes wide.

 

            It had been so long. So long since it had threatened to overtake him- this sickness. He’d woken naked in bed with Inej, for Ghezen’s sake.

 

            “I didn’t mean to startle you, small-brother.” Lily said silently. Kaz’s eyes darted to her hands, to the signs she made. She’d always called him that. He’d hated it, as a boy.

 

            Now, it was a name he recognized. It was a tether to Jordie, alive. Memories of golden afternoons and the smell of loamy woods and earthy soil. The bark of Timber the dog and the laugh of his brother that he’d never forgotten.

 

            Kaz focused on those thoughts for a long moment, imagined breathing in the wheat fields instead of the stench of decay.

 

            “I’m sorry, Lily.” Kaz signed. It was a hopeless gathering of his fingers, a tired excuse for the silent language. It was more than he would have managed vocally.

 

            Kaz watched as Lily rolled up her sleeves, nodding thoughtfully.

 

            It was then that Kaz noticed the thick white scars that slashed like ropes across the veins in her wrists.

 

            She saw him look and before he knew it, her sleeves were being pulled back down, her mouth depressed into a tight, angry line. The proximity to the fire had compelled her, but clearly, she’d not meant to show those marks to him.

 

            Kaz felt Inej’s eyes on them, a silent support in his corner. Kaz could only suspect that both his aunt and Inej had seen the scars, too. No one said a thing, but Kaz thought he could hear each of their individual breaths in concert.

 

            Kaz couldn’t change the tilt of the head on his shoulders, the gears of bone within him remained frozen. Something was stuck there, between his joints, making him look at Lily’s arms. Something stale, haunted and rotted.

 

            He didn’t know how to make his eyes change direction, how to make his face stop asking questions that he had no right to ask.

 

            “That was how I found out what I could do.” Lily whispered after what could have been a second or a minute. Kaz kept looking. He knew his breathing was quiet, but his pulse roared in his ears. He didn’t know why she was speaking, but he knew he needed to listen.

 

            Kaz thought of Inej, of the voice she said belonged to fear itself. He could hear fear, but instead of a voice, he heard its footsteps. Thud, Thud, Thudding around them. Circling him.

 

            “I fixed myself on accident.” Lily admitted in her soft, husky voice. Kaz wasn’t sure he’d ever heard Lily Arbor sound so… guilty. So regretful.

 

            She didn’t mean…

 

            Kaz looked up. Lily’s lashes glinted wet, but she did not cry. Her cheeks burned red, but she did not look away from him.

 

            “What do you mean, you fixed yourself?” Emilia’s silvery voice spurled toward them.

 

            Lily’s shoulders lifted in a deep and silent breath; she hadn’t seen Emilia speak. Kaz fumbled a translation for her, his eyes flickering back to her sleeves.

 

            No, an accident. That had to be what Lily meant. She’d been wounded, and her body repaired itself. It was the harbor water still sloshing at his boots that made his mind turn down dark, dark roads.

 

            Kaz saw Inej shift in her seat from the corner of his eye, a flutter of silent movement.

 

            Lily’s blue eyes veered slowly to his hands as he signed, and Kaz resisted the urge to step forward and tug up her sleeves. To examine the scars that were not his to examine.

 

            The logs creaked again in the hearth, and between the ashes, Kaz could hear his brother’s ghost, rising and begging his girl to speak right alongside him.

 

            “I was sixteen.” Lily said aloud for all of them to hear. Kaz swallowed and attempted to tame his face the way he always did. Loosen a muscle here, tighten his teeth. It wasn’t working. He had no idea what his face displayed to Lily, now. Was it the fear from moments ago, when her skin had touched his? Was it the sick pinch between his brows left over from the nausea still rolling in his gut?

 

            Or was it worse, this maskless face, a poor copy of Jordie’s, stricken and afraid of her words?

 

            “My Mam..” Lily’s voice strained, “My Mama had been sick for two years by then. She began feeling unwell the winter after you and Jordan left… but she never got better. Only worse. Fevers, shakes. I’ll never forget the way her chest vibrated under my hands. She didn’t cough, that would have been easier to stomach, I think. Instead, it was like feeling a machine give up. It was like a plow with a broken wheel, tumbling over uneven soil. The medics in town, and in Haig, none of them could do anything for her. They said… they thought it was something in her blood or her bones. Disease. There wasn’t enough money for a Grisha healer’s services or opinion.

 

            “Not that I didn’t look. But there wasn’t one in Belendt, at least not that I could find. I couldn’t afford Ketterdam, not that I could have gotten her there anyways. Or paid for one to come back to Lij. Assuming I could have even navigated the underbelly enough to locate one willing to help.”  

 

            Kaz remembered Miss Arbor. His tutor, and Jordie’s. Lily’s mother. She’d been kind, funny, and just strict enough. He recognized that, now. He remembered her blonde hair, so different from Lily’s. But the eyes, the eyes were the same on both mother and daughter. A piercing, deep blue. He remembered how Miss Arbor would look at her daughter with pride every time Lily aced a lesson. Kaz remembered that her first name had been Therese, and that Da had called her that.

 

            Kaz wanted to look at Inej. He wanted to turn his head, but it remained frozen. He could feel cold, clawed fingers on the back of his neck, a demon demanding he face Lily head-on. Not Jordie, he reminded himself.

 

            If Jordie’s ghost were truly here, Kaz imagined his hands would be on Lily’s shoulders, instead. A weight of kindness, rather than wickedness.

 

            “I didn’t know any of this.” Emilia muttered across the room. Kaz didn’t know if Lily saw her speak, but he thought she had. Lily shook her head, red hair shimmering.

 

            “I’ll save you the details. But Mama died, two springs after you and your brother left. I was alone, Kaz.” Lily signed more than she spoke, the words broken and jumbled on her tongue. A phantom hand forced his chin up, clenched his jaw tighter.

 

            “Do you know how many people speak my language in this town? Not many. I got better at reading lips, so good that I can read as fast as you speak. But it wasn’t always like that. I had a hard time; you remember when we were kids. I could never keep up as well. I was… isolated, for a long time...” Lily shook her head again, angrier this time.

 

            “Mama was gone. You know I never knew my father. It was just me and her. You and Jordie were gone. My few friends were either taking over family farms or being accepted into apprenticeships. I didn’t have any fucking kruge.” Lily choked.

 

            Kaz didn’t feel the warmth from the fire anymore, didn’t register the dull throb pulsing in his leg. He had to listen.

 

            Lily Arbor was cracked open, her heart cooking on the hot bricks of the hearth.

 

            “Jordie hadn’t answered a letter in years by that point, but I still fucking wrote him, Kaz! I just didn’t want to feel so lonely. I couldn’t bring myself to examine why Jordie never wrote back. I couldn’t handle it. I was broke and alone in a too-empty, too-expensive house.” Lily grimaced. Her signs screamed, but her voice didn’t raise. Bile began to shove its way up Kaz’s throat at the mention of his brother’s name.

 

            She wrote him. She fucking wrote to Jordie.

 

            “I worked mucking stables in the morning. Then I worked manning the rail station office in the afternoon. Then I worked at the tavern at night. I slept for two or three hours and did it all over again, just to keep a roof over me. My friends tried to help, but it’s not like there’s money to be had out here if you don’t have land. You remember our house, less than an acre of soil and not a single chicken or crop. We were only on that contract for the fields that Jordie and your father left for you because we loved you. We were never farmers.” She paused, face stricken, signing hands shaking from her flurry of broken signs. “Fuck, Kaz. Mama wanted so badly to be able to take you and Jordie in when Bram died. She wanted to, but we hardly ate ourselves. Jordie asked. He wanted you to get to finish out your lessons. But she… she couldn’t. I was so mad, Kaz.”

 

            “Lily,” Kaz’s voice came out like gravel, all rocks and sand. She shook her head when he said her name in sign and word. Her hands ran through her hair. She was trembling across from him, raging.

 

            Kaz remembered Miss Arbor telling Jordie how sorry she was, after they’d buried Da out on the hill. It had been a warm afternoon, sun streaming in from the window. Kaz had lingered, hidden in the shadowed doorway, watching his brother and patting Timber mindlessly as he eavesdropped. He’d thought Miss Arbor had meant about Da, because that’s what people said. “I’m sorry,” as if they’d personally ripped your loved one away. As if they’d been at fault. Nine-year-old Kaz hadn’t understood.

 

            Wasn’t it odd, Kaz remembered thinking, that when you bury someone, a hundred people seem to rise out of the fresh-turned soil, just for the chance to apologize? Not for anything real, but solely to twitch the arrow on their own moral compass a little bit closer to a societal ‘north’, to ‘goodness’. A contract fulfilled, nothing more needed. Two orphans without a penny? Not their problem. They wished those little boys the best, though.

 

            Miss Arbor hadn’t been like the well-wishers. Kaz thought she’d meant it when she’d spilled those apologetic words to Jordie. Kaz had just never understood what she’d been sorry for.

 

            Until now.

 

            “I couldn’t even sell the house. I tried. No one wanted it, it leaked. It had no hot water. Too small for a family. My mother was a tutor, and that barely covered the expenses when she was alive. You may not know this, Kaz, but your father helped us more than once. It was my Mama’s greatest shame. But your father made sure we ate, several times. He had Jordie push kruge into my hand because he damn well knew your brother was holding it.” Lily’s face was tear streaked now.

 

            “I couldn’t even leave this place!”

 

            “Lil,” Emilia tried next, taking a tiny step forward.

 

            “I got tired of it. I got too tired.” Lily signed and whispered, both forms of sentence layered in defeat.

 

            “I couldn’t see a way out.” Lily uttered. Kaz felt the hands on the back of his neck leave. His teeth had to be dust, grinding as tight as they were. His blood ran in rivers of ice when he saw Lily’s hand reach for the silver heart at her collar.

 

            Jordie, she needed you, too.

 

            “I gave up. Took matters into my own hands. But I failed, clearly. My body… fixed itself.” Lily mumbled, blue eyes staring into the fire. Her gaze was far away, somewhere cold and dark, so unlike this warm, golden room.

 

            She wasn’t crying anymore. Somehow, that was worse. Wet eyes with nothing left in them.

 

            “I didn’t know that was how you found out about… well, you.” Emilia was reaching for the sofa now, balancing herself. His aunt’s eyes were pinned on Lily. Kaz didn’t have to wonder how much his aunt cared for Lily Arbor. It was on her face, in the concern she tried to conceal in her posture.

 

            Lily saw her speak and scoffed.

 

            “No one knows, except for Adrie. Adrie knows.”

 

            “You told her?” Emilia asked. Her question was not accusatory, but rather the opposite. It was relief, that Lily had shared the burden of such a thing somewhere.

 

            “No.” Lily laughed; the sound mad around the edges. Biting and cruel. Then, without preamble, Lily explained in only six words.

 

            “I woke up on her table.”

 

            Kaz backed away, leaned his spine against the living room wall. He felt Inej’s eyes, still holding him from several feet away. He didn’t know what he hated more, what Lily had told him, or what he knew he needed to tell her.

 

            Kaz had six words like that, too.

 

            I woke up on Reaper’s Barge.

 

LILY

 

            What am I doing? Why am I doing it?

 

            These words, these horrible confessions, were not for Kaz. They’d never been for anyone, really. This man was a stranger, Lily knew. Ultimately, they’d lived different lives, walked different streets. She had no reason to tell this man in black, a relic of a boy she’d once known, anything about her life.

 

            This wasn’t who Lily Arbor was, anymore. She wasn’t the girl who had slashed both wrist and wish apart for only the scant chance at a period of rest. She didn’t cry or scream or rage. Her mourning had become silent, her rage muted. It had become discreet, leaking like a trickle of blood.

 

            She’d been broken, once.

 

            Then, as surely as breath had expanded her lungs in the middle of that cold brick morgue, she’d fixed herself.

 

            Not her body, that had gone and done what it had without her explicit permission. Lily had fixed something else.

 

            No, Lily had picked up each little fragment of heart within her chest, polished them on her blood-stained shirt, and said simply, “these will still do.”

 

            “You… came back from the dead?” Captain Ghafa asked, her lips moving slowly around her accent. Lily was glad she’d shifted her eyes away from Kaz. He was staring and silent in both movement and word, his back pressed against the wall stiffly.

 

            Lily scoffed. Of course not. She spent enough time around the dead, and one thing Lily knew for certain, they did not rise again.

 

            “No. I just didn’t cut deep enough. The boy I’d been…well, the boy I had a mutually beneficial relationship with at the time, found me. My pulse was faint, but he didn’t feel it. I was simply unconscious, but he still sent for the black wagon." Lily paused, chewing on the inside of her cheek. She saw the hint of a smile at the corners of Inej’s lips. Lily knew it was because the other woman had understood what Lily meant by… mutually beneficial relationship.

 

            All at once, Lily liked Inej Ghafa that much more. The captain wasn’t afraid to smile in a room full of slumbering death and weepy half-tales.

 

            Still, Lily wanted to scream at the boy against the wall.

 

            Just tell me what happened to Jordie, Lily pleaded silently. Just give me one honest moment, and I’ll do what you ask. I’ll help you. I’ll pack up and go with you. I’ll do whatever I have to. Just give me this.

 

            Give me this piece of your story.

 

            Give me this peace for mine.

 

            Emilia was silent, too. Lily looked at the woman she’d come to know as a friend, these past years. They’d bonded over tragedy in their veins, over Lake Shine and cookies on the floor of the morgue office, long after Adrie had gone home.

 

            They’d bonded over the family they both felt the ghosts of every day. Both of them had felt like honorary mourners, standing vigil over both filled and empty graves.

 

            Lily was glad Emilia was here. If nothing else, Lily was glad Emilia knew, now. Once, she’d almost told Emilia what she’d done to herself, how she’d met Adrie. The true reason she’d trained as a mortician- Lily had wanted to fix the people on the table, she’d wanted to see them go off into the cold-shouldered realm beyond, with dignity.

 

            Lily had needed purpose. Her purpose was simple. To listen closely to those silent dead and become their final wish granter- for just a moment. Lily, the strange mortician, polished bruises right out of pale skin with a pinch of marble dust. Sucked wrinkles out of flesh with just a touch to fine, smooth satin. Made lips pinken with health, all with a drop of peach juice.

 

            Just as they’d been in life, before the world cast them into a black wagon.

 

            Lily hadn’t ever told Emilia these truths. Not for lack of wanting, but because she’d recognized something heavy in Emilia. When Emilia had first returned to Lij, Lily had only just begun training under Adrie’s mentorship. It was only six months after she’d woken on the mortician’s table.

 

            Lily had seen Emilia, in those dark days after she’d learned the Rietveld family was gone. She’d seen Adrie try and comfort her from a distance, always keeping Emilia at an arm’s length in respect to her husband.

 

            She’d seen Emilia alone, walking to graves on the hill with not a hair out of place on her head, but streaks of salt winding down her high cheekbones.

 

            No, back then, Lily had decided that Emilia Winstrad had enough pain to reckon with, enough burden to fill a grave six feet deep. Instead, Lily had become her friend. Mourned with her in a way Lily hadn’t allowed herself to in the years between thirteen and sixteen.

 

            Lily had needed Emilia, back then. She’d needed Adrie, too. The two women, who never spoke to one another, had become the two people Lily Arbor considered her closest friends.

 

            Once, Kaz Rietveld had taken up one of those spaces in Lily’s younger years. A boy both brazen and timid, his laugh may have never been heard by Lily, but she remembered the way he always tilted his chin a bit as his shoulders quaked. Like his own amusement surprised him every time. Just a little bit.

 

            If Jordie’s laugh had been sunshine, Kaz’s had been steam rising from the surface of glassy water. Warm, but softer. Harder to see and witnessed through squints. Rarer, and sweeter for it.

 

            Jordie had once told Lily that his favorite thing in the entire world was when he caught his little brother trying to mimic him in some way. Jordie had said that he didn’t think he’d ever feel better about himself than when he got to teach Kaz something.

 

            “He’s smarter than both of us in lessons, my Mama said so.” Lily had signed back, giggling as they walked through the fields of wheat, cicadas humming in the sunset.

 

            Jordie grinned as he considered this, his shoulders straightening with a little pride. “I know. Can you believe that I get to be his hero? He’s little and annoying as hell but…”

 

            He shrugged, looking down boyishly at his boots. Lily bumped him in the shoulder.

 

            “It’s okay. I already know he’s your best friend.” Lily whispered and signed. It was worth it when Jordie tossed an easy arm over her shoulder, his laughter vibrating against her.

 

            “You are a different sort of best friend, Lil.” Jordie signed as he backed away from her front porch, heading back to the Rietveld farm. To Kaz and Bram.

 

            He’s changed, Jordie. This was the thought Lily had, now.

 

            Kaz Rietveld had changed. Not just that he’d grown up. No, it was… more complicated than that. More intricate.

 

            It was in his eyes. It was in the storm that played across his face in a series of nearly imperceptible twitches whenever he looked at her.

 

            Kaz looked at Lily as if she were the living and he the ghost- that is to say, his gaze held a tender sort of bitterness.

 

            The change was evident too in the tilt of his chin, no longer a quirk of glee; but instead, it was observant, silent and cautious. It was a movement she’d attribute to a mistreated animal, now weary of man.

 

            Kaz Rietveld had tried to die, too. Somehow, Lily knew that. Perhaps it hadn’t been in the literal way she’d tried to cut the darkness from her wrists, but… maybe- what was the name he had now? Brekker?

 

            Maybe Kaz Brekker had attempted to murder the little boy with wide black eyes and a mop of onyx waves.

 

            Maybe Brekker had given that boy a cushioned casket and called it a warm bed.

 

            Don’t lie down yet, Rietveld. I’ll coax you up instead of down, this time. I promised your brother.

 

            Back to the trees, Kaz. We must go there and revisit our almost-graves and tend to the earth we broke through with dirty hands.

 

            You’re still in there.

 

            Talk to me.

 

            Tell me what happened to Jordie.

 

 

 

INEJ

 

            “Will you help us, Lily?” Inej dared to peek her head through the surface of the tension laced room. The red head saw her speak; her lips pursed in consideration.

 

            Emilia was quiet beside Inej now on the sofa, her hand absently fidgeting with her unlit pipe.

 

            Inej’s eyes kept veering back to Kaz. His breathing was even, but his strong body seemed to sag against the wall. His posture did not slouch, but Inej could spy differences in Kaz that no one else could.

 

            What Lily had bared to him, to all of them, was a story unexpected. A truth not earned but given freely. Inej thought the tale not bleak, but rather startlingly hopeful, in some grim way.

 

            Lily survived her darkness, too. Just as Inej had. As Emilia had. As Kaz had.

 

            These were the type of people Inej Ghafa found hope in, as it had always been. As it had started with Jesper, Kaz. Wylan and Nina. Matthias Helvar.

 

            Kaz’s eyes seemed trained on the wooden knots in the floorboards. Inej thought she understood why.

 

            Kaz knew, intimately, what it was to wake up after expecting death. In this, he and Lily Arbor had found a common ground. Tragic, perhaps, but nonetheless true.

 

            “What happened to Jordie?” Lily asked softly. She spoke to Kaz, her body leaning forward slightly, as if she wanted to step closer.

 

            Inej whispered a prayer in her mind to her honorary saint: Jordie Rietveld.

 

            Give your brother strength, please.

 

            Emilia sucked in a tight breath beside Inej. Lily’s sharp blue eyes caught the motion.

 

            “You know, don’t you?” Lily queried; her words followed by a series of sharp signs in the silent language.

 

            Emilia did not deny this, she only held Lily’s gaze and nodded firmly. Lily’s eyes flashed with hurt. She said nothing to Kaz’s aunt.

 

            Inej felt her chest constrict for the girl. Lily clearly felt like the last to know, when she’d loved Jordie just as much. Fiercely, by Inej’s observation.

 

            Lily shook her head, ran exasperated hands through her hair as she slowly turned back to Kaz. His eyes looked up at Inej, locked on from across the room.

 

            There, Inej read his silent words. How do I do this?

 

            You tell her the terrible truth, mera chaar. No kind lies.

 

            Kaz pulled himself up, straightened from the wall. He swallowed once, Adam’s apple bobbing. Inej watched as Kaz pulled together all his sides, the cruel and the kind, and forced them into cohesion. Pride warmed Inej’s body. Pride in her avri.

 

            This gray man, Inej thought, was gold. If her heart was lost at sea, the memory of him would be the treasure in the glittering wreck of her beneath the waves.

 

            “Jordie died of the Queen’s lady plague the same year we left Lij.” Kaz replied, voice full of burrs. He altered his tone, gentled it. Even if Lily wouldn’t hear it. He signed the words slowly, but without tremble or pause.

 

            Lily’s face changed slowly, like a glacier cap in Fjerda succumbing to spring sun. Her expression melted, the ice from her eyes drained. She nodded softly, hand clasping the locket around her throat.

 

            “His body?” She whispered.

 

            “Lost.” Kaz rasped, eyes trained on Lily. He was analyzing her reaction to this news, watching as a woman’s heart broke all over again.

 

            Lily did not collapse, but rather gracefully slid down to sit on the warm hearth, back to the flames. Her hair was a hellish halo around her head. Then, finally:

 

            “I’ll help you.” Lily answered as Kaz looked down at her.

 

            “For Jordie.” Kaz added.

 

            Lily shook her head, eyes not leaving Kaz’s.

           

            “No. For you.” Lily replied. “This tree of yours is too high to climb down alone, small brother.”

 

           

 

 

            Inej wondered if Jordie was there, in the space between Lily and Kaz, serving as a spectral link between two fingers, a witness to a promise on each one. 

Notes:

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SO... ya'll ready to see Inej go all CAPTAIN girlboss and go back to Ketterdam, too? ;)

Chapter 159: Growing A Sunset

Summary:

A gathering of goodbyes.

Notes:

CHAPTER 159!!!!!!!

HI. HI. HI. HI. HELLO. HI. OH MY GHEZEN. hi guys. It's me, ravenyenn19. I know, I've been gone for quite some time again. I also know how unexpected and rocky it's been. The truth of the matter is that the end of last year, from November to December, tanked my mental health to lows I thought I was past. It's not an excuse, because I know I left you waiting, but I want you to understand. I initially planned to be back about two weeks ago, I even posted I would be. Then, I realized quite harshly, I couldn't pull myself together enough. I am sorry. I wish I could convey how sorry I am. I know how much consistency is important in authors, and I feel as if I've let you down the second half of 2022. I even missed DWOD's second year anniversary, which breaks my heart. But, at the end of this depressive episode, I want to leave you with this: Healing is not linear- and you never know what someone is going through. I've had to stop berating myself in order to edit the chapters I've written, I've had to find grace for myself, even if I feel like the worst. I love you, and you deserve grace, too. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me as I get back to work here. I never stopped writing, or believing in my stories, but I did find doubt in myself. I'm trying to get it back.

I hope that some of you are still here, because one promise I can make, is that this story will be finished. I won't abandon the first novel I ever wrote. I love Kaz and Inej too much, and I love writing DWOD too much. If no one reads this, well, I'll still be here, dear maybe reader. Dear future me, who remembers when I didn't give up. <3

I love you all. I hope you can forgive me. I'm doing a little better, and I hope to get back to my regular posting insanity. Writing has literally kept me alive, and I can't wait to share it with you. To make it up to you, (even if nothing really can), please enjoy three chapters that I've merged into one 10k word update. I hope you love it. I hope you believe in it. That would make it all worth it, I think. <3

PS- There is spice. Please read until the cut & then after if you wish to skip that portion! The story will still make sense, I promise.

If you feel so inclined, I would literally die to hear from some of you in the comments. I miss you. I could use the moral boost, or even the criticism. I just miss you. <3

"Sun To Me" by Zach Bryan (PLEASE LISTEN. THE WHOLE BEGINNING & THE HILL. You'll get it. <3)

KAZ

 

            Time was a hazy, distant notion as Kaz poured out another mug of coffee, the liquid long past chilled. He leaned back in his chair, cracking his neck of a kink as he went. Lily had agreed to aid Inej on her voyage, and now the remainder of the technical work had concluded-after several excruciating, and stilted, bells.

 

            Lily arbor would board the train to Belendt with himself and Inej in less than forty-eight hours’ time. Then, they would hire a coach back to Ketterdam. They had the plan. Emilia was to handle Milan Arkten, Kane De Vries’ associate, as soon as she could manage. As soon as he arrived in Lij with his wife. Hopefully it would be done before they left Lij- Kaz would feel better without that loose end. He studiously ignored the voice in his head that reminded him of his true concern- confirming Emilia’s safety with his own eyes before he left town. His family’s safety.

 

            Kaz pressed the palms of his hands into his temples as he stared down at the mess of documents on the kitchen table. Ship manifests crowded blueprints, all dotted with the inky snow of his own script. It was late, sometime after two bells, he guessed. Emilia and Lily had to have departed at least two hours ago based on the amount of caffeine he’d consumed. He sighed and clenched his jaw, tossing a haphazard squint about the small space.

 

            His time piece was across the room on the counter, the gold chain shining in the dim glow of his lamp. He couldn’t be bothered to fetch it. His leg was sore from standing so stiffly in the living room, from arching back from Lily’s surprise touch and the tidal wave of sickness that followed. Not just his usual demons, tonight. No, Lily and Inej had brought him back to dry land rather quickly, in fact. Instead, it was the ghost of Lily Arbor’s grief that still had a hold on his lapels.

 

            A hard rock of nausea jostled around Kaz’s guts, rearranging intestine and reminding him of everything he might have done… everything he should have done, for Lily.

 

            Kaz thought of Inej’s voice from earlier that night, moments after Lily had donned her coat and rode back to town beside his aunt.

 

            “You were a little boy, mera chaar. You were hurt, in mind and body. I admit you should have written her about Jordie once you had the means, but you know she does not blame you for the way the universe worked itself out. You lived, and for a woman who loved you like a brother, that is enough.”

 

            Inej had pressed her forehead into his chest, her arms looped solidly around his waist. He hadn’t been able to lift his arms to hug her back. He’d lingered in his self-pity, trying and failing to believe his avri’s words.

 

            She’d held him to her anyways, for a long while. Inej had let him dismantle his feelings silently, but not alone. Instead, she’d straightened his tie, pressed a wraithy little kiss to the underside of his jaw, brushed a soft finger along his knuckles. Each small act had been a quiet declaration of solidarity and love, tailored solely to his crooked half-dark heart. Inej knew him better than anyone, and she never ceased to show it.

 

            He wished now, in the unforgiving hours of the night, that he’d thanked her for it. Kaz had been unreachable, though.

 

            It had been a shock to Kaz’s system to realize that his masks, did in fact, run out. He had a limit. He’d used the last of his composure in spinning plans with Emilia and Lily, tweaking how the next days would pan out. They’d sat around the living room (he’d paced, and ignored his fiancé’s quiet huffs and glares), and worked out what was the last leg of Kaz’s involvement in this journey.

 

            An alias for Lily to use in the city and amongst those to be on the voyage aboard the Wraith. For the night- or possibly two- that Lily would be in Ketterdam, she would stay with Wylan and Jesper in the Van Eck mansion. Kaz would not subject Lily to the barrel, both for her safety and his own sliver of peace of mind. Kaz already knew his friends wouldn’t mind, they had the space.

 

            Not to mention that the farthest Lily had ever gone from Lij was Belendt. The second largest city on the small continent of Kerch, true, but a city still less than half the size of Ketterdam’s sprawling soot skyline. He could admit that his corner of the world was overwhelming to anyone unfamiliar. Unforgiving, too.

 

            Now, Kaz was only revising Inej and Zoya’s route through Kane’s fortress. They’d be going in dead through the front gates, and Kaz had to admit it made the plan swifter, but not easier.

 

            He narrowed his eyes on his notes for Inej, making his penmanship as neat as possible. Only when he reached for his mug did he realize the ceramic was both empty and ice cold- how long had he disappeared inside the scheme again?

 

            Kaz wasn’t tired, but he was exhausted. His eyelids did not droop, but his ribs ached from where he’d folded them down to contain the coiled anxiety that continued to hiss up his throat, reminding him of Inej’s departure.

 

            At the thought, Kaz glanced at the shadowed doorway to the living room. The fire had burned down to barely embers these past bells. Slowly, he gathered his cane and pocket watch. A ghoulish glow encased Kaz as he limped from the kitchen, only pausing to flick off his lamp and stow their precious documents away. His cane clicked softly against the creaking wood floors as he doused the coals in the hearth.

 

            Inej had gone to bed hours ago, and he’d broken his promise to follow her shortly. Kaz winced as he climbed the staircase silently. The hours had not been wasted tonight, and yet he couldn’t help but feel as though they’d been well and truly lost.

 

            Kaz could have spent the time with Inej instead. His mind still detoured to her every few moments, like clockwork. Night bloom scented soap still lingered under his nose, a teasing phantom.

 

            He missed Inej already, and she had not yet left. Kaz knew then that he’d been spoiled to have so many months with her by his side, uninterrupted by the stints of a voyage.

 

            Enough months that the idea of sleeping alone now felt foreign. Enough nights that his body already protested the suppression he’d put it through for so many years. Enough mornings that his fingers began to ache in longing for an easy, sleepy brush of his hand against hers.

 

            Kaz pushed the bedroom door open slowly, avoiding the whine of the old hinges. His eyes adjusted to the swell of dusky gold light that leaked from the dying flames of the upstairs hearth. The room was chilled, a log laid on the bricks beside the poker, forgotten.

 

            Kaz’s lips twitched into a private smirk as he glanced at the roughly Inej-shaped bundle of sheets on the bed. She’d cocooned to protect from the cold she’d brought upon herself. Chances were, Kaz thought, she’d trusted he’d remedy the fire in due time. She wasn’t wrong. He huffed a silent laugh as he quietly prodded the flames to catch to the new log.

 

            Slowly, Kaz began to unknot the tie at his neck and slip his vest off. As he went through his nightly motions, he noticed the spill of Inej’s ink black hair across his pillow. Her back was to him, leaving only the rear of her head visible above the covers.

 

            Kaz deftly plucked a stray feather from the ends of her hair as he leaned over the bedside table to place his watch down. He glanced down at his remaining clothes.

 

            He should wear pants to bed still, shouldn’t he?

 

            Even if the past few nights he certainly had not… He glanced at Inej, and his whole body prickled with want. She looked so peaceful. He didn’t want to wake her. Certainly not to ask if she wanted him in the nude beside her. Certainly not to tell her that he’d personally like to warm her body instead of the sheet he was jealous of.

 

            This was a ridiculous problem, perhaps unique to himself and Inej. Another couple would probably not care either way, so long as each person slept comfortably. He should not wake her.

 

            Kaz wanted to wake her. He wanted to kiss the back of her neck and press against her until he managed to coax little shivers of pleasure to life in her shoulders. He wanted to run his hands down her body until she forgot all about her perfect posture and instead arched into him.

 

            Inej’s gentle breathing remained even and deep as he dipped and sat at the end of the bed to remove his boots.

 

            She would need her rest, soon enough. Kaz swallowed thickly when he caught one of her nonsensical sentences behind him, slurred with her slumber. Something about the ship needing waxed and feeding the birds. He caught his name, too, as he so often did. Sometimes, she sounded cross with him in her sleep.

 

            He loved it. Her dream version of him was probably deserving of her ire. He hoped his metaphysical self-made up for it.

 

            He shucked both his button-down and his undershirt into the pile of their things, no longer caring about wrinkles when everything he had needed a laundering back in Ketterdam, anyhow.

 

            Kaz dug around their spilling travel bags for his sleep trousers, thinking back to his nights before Inej. Half the time he’d slept in his suits, never even making it to his cot from his desk in the first place.

 

            Inej Ghafa had turned Kaz Brekker into something absolutely irredeemable in the Barrel- a sleeper.

 

            When was the last time he’d pushed himself for three days without sleep? Six months? He almost laughed as he glanced over his shoulder at an unaware menace in the bed. He hadn’t even realized Inej had done it. She’d converted him.

 

            Kaz had slept at least five bells a night, regularly, for months. It was disgusting and he wished for nothing more than for it to be a continuous behavior. Especially if the bed was warmed by all five feet of her.

 

            His eyes never ached as much as they used to. His leg hurt just a bit less when he rested.

 

            Plus, there were new decadent temptations to lure Kaz into bed. His eyes wandered back to Inej.

 

            This was ridiculous. His body wasn’t listening to his mind’s reasoning. Inej would sleep and he would sleep and that was that.

 

            Finally changed into his breathable sleep pants, Kaz gently slid himself between the covers beside Inej. He doused the lantern, and the room was lit only by the hearth. Not quite dark, but warm and draped in soft amber, padded with black shadows.

 

            The ceiling was entirely uninteresting. Kaz laid on his back, willing sleep to come. His muscles were tensed, corkscrewed with energy he shouldn’t have. He bit back a sigh. Eyes drifting to Inej, he realized the blankets had slipped down, revealing her bare spine to him. Each ridge of her vertebrae rippled deep bronze.

 

            Ghezen damn him. Kaz lifted the blanket just a bit and caught a glimpse of Inej’s bare legs, her firm ass.

 

            Oh.

 

            Inej had foregone one of his shirts, now. She’d also foregone anything else.

 

            Hot desire slid down Kaz’s body as he tried to ignore the memories that played in his head. Wild, untamed thoughts plagued him. Had she picked up the sliver of wood they’d broken off the bed frame last night?

 

            Had she waited for him to come to bed?

 

            Had she wanted for him, here in the dark?

 

            Kaz wanted to wrap an arm over her, pull her close, even if just to sleep. He would have, if it were not for the very obvious hinderance of his body. Kaz would not wake Inej like that, not with her past in the Menagerie.

 

            Numbers, his savior. Kaz conjured an imaginary log of Crow Club sales from deep in his mind. He created lines of profits versus losses. He did each equation, but still his eyes drifted from the ceiling beams and back to the delicious expanse of Inej’s spine.

 

            Forcing his eyes away with a self-deprecating curse under his breath, Kaz folded his hands over his chest. He felt sixteen-years-old again, except this time he knew what life was like without having to suppress his body’s every urge. It was awful, deplorable. He was ogling his fiancé without her awareness, surely, she’d feel violated.

 

            A firmer voice told him she wouldn’t. Not with him. Hadn’t she told him that before?

 

            She’d taken off all of her clothes to go to bed. Inej was his fiancé, and she was naked in the bed they shared. Unhinged delight shot through his abdomen. Yet, Kaz didn’t know how to maneuver this new terrain in their life together. Or was it new at all? They’d been plenty intimate even before Lij. Kaz’s mind continued to spiral, his body aching the entire time.

 

            He couldn’t get comfortable. Waking Inej up because he couldn’t focus on anything but this crippling need for her was… Kaz didn’t know. He felt like he needed her. Of course, her rejection would be entirely valid. Inej had much on her mind, more than him certainly. He’d pondered this dilemma before and could never land on the right answer. Should he wake her, make his strife known, even if it was as primal as flesh?

 

            Just then, Inej rolled over. Her eyes were closed but her hand reached toward his side of the bed, seeking him. Her palm landed sleepily on his chest with a contented sigh.

 

            His thoughts slowed as she wiggled herself toward him under the warmth of the sheets. Her legs tangled in his, as natural as breathing. Kaz’s mouth twitched with satisfaction. How hard had they fought for such a simple movement, for such a minor and human comfort?

 

            “Mmm,” Inej rumbled. It was a disgruntled little noise, seemingly more awake than asleep. Kaz took his chances.

 

            “What’s wrong?” Kaz whispered down to her, her head wedged in the crook between his arm and shoulder.

 

            “Pants.” She mumbled blearily.

 

            Kaz took a full ten seconds before he truly understood her complaint. Her bare feet had met his clothed legs.

 

            “My pants?” Kaz asked, a raspy chuckle hidden behind the words.

 

            “No, mine.” She retorted snidely, nudging herself closer to him. He grinned up at the ceiling.

 

            “You didn’t come to bed, shevrati.” Inej whispered after another few seconds. Her voice was soft and slumbered, thick with the roll of her true accent.

 

            Kaz brushed his hand over her shoulders, smoothing a circle into her soft skin.

 

            “I know,” Kaz whispered, genuinely remorseful.

 

            She had waited for him.

 

            If he’d been a smart man, he would have brought his work up with him tonight. Then perhaps he wouldn’t feel so… pent up. And Inej would not have been disappointed.

 

            Kaz hoped Inej would not notice the obvious attention his body was paying to her proximity. He hoped she would.

 

            “You didn’t come closer,” Inej mumbled. “Is it a bad night?”

 

            Kaz shook his head, “No.”

 

            “What is on your mind?”

 

            “What isn’t?” Kaz evaded.

 

            Inej chuckled darkly. “Fair point, mera chaar. But these worries should not hold you away from me. I sense this is only a half-truth.”

 

            Kaz swallowed. Inej’s hand was glossing over his bare chest beneath the sheets, comforting and warm and absolutely maddening.

 

            Half-truth indeed. Was he wired and stressed? Yes. Was he also absolutely, infuriatingly, consumed by his desire to kiss a path from her brow to her thighs and stop along the way at his favorite views? Yes.

 

            “I didn’t want to wake you.” Kaz replied after a too-long pause. His heart was beating fast. Inej’s hand could slip a few inches down and she’d damn well know where his mind had gone in place of pondering for another Ghezen-damned second over her pending voyage.

 

            “I attempted to make it obvious that I wanted you to.” Inej snickered softly.

 

            Kaz did not account for this answer. None of his equations had given this sum.

 

            Kaz felt Inej’s hand reach for his own in the dark. She squeezed his fingers as she brought his palm to her lips. A kiss, followed by a playful bite to the fleshy rise below his thumb. Then, she slid their hands down, down, down.

 

            She drug his hand lazily through the crevice between her breasts.

 

            “’Nej,” Kaz groaned lowly, pleadingly.

 

            His determination splintered, the shards glittering like midnight scythes reflected in her eyes.

 

***** SPICY CONTENT AHEAD! READ BELOW THE CUT TO SKIP! *****

 

 

INEJ

 

            Kaz’s eyes were rounded as she took her time guiding his hand over her skin. Her collarbones, between her breasts. A circle around her navel. His face was turned toward her on the pillow, but he didn’t dare roll himself to his side. His chest quaked silently on each breath.

 

            Greed served Inej Ghafa tonight as she relished in its green embrace. If her days were numbered, she’d best make them memorable.

 

            Against the window, the aspen tree shook in the wind. The soft scratches did nothing to take Kaz’s attention away from her. Inej imagined that not even a Van Eck bomb could divert their eyes away from one another. Inej leaned forward and slipped a kiss to the sharp edge of his jaw, close enough to his mouth that his head turned a fraction.

 

            The truth of it was, Inej was worried about a thousand things. One of them was Kaz, this night. He’d taken in so much in such a small amount of days, as had she.

 

            “You kiss me there when you want to know my thoughts.” Kaz whispered to her.

 

            Inej drug his hand back up her chest, she felt his fingers flex in want, but he did nothing to take the reins from her. She did not deny his claim.

 

            “I always kiss you there.” Inej huffed a small laugh.

 

            “I know.” Kaz’s lips turned crooked as his eyes flashed between their hands and her face.

 

            “So, tell me your thoughts then.” Inej hummed, her voice lower than she’d expected. Her skin prickled under his fingertips, even if she’d moved them there.

 

            “My thoughts are plain, Inej.” Kaz answered roughly. “Tell me yours instead.”

 

            “I wanted you from the moment I got into bed, and I found myself wanting to grab you by the collar and drag you up the stairs.” Inej felt a flush on her cheeks, but it did nothing to restrain her honesty.

 

            Kaz’s eyes widened, a black brow peaked. His mouth opened once before words actually tumbled out, “I’ll let you drag me around darling, less strain on my leg.”

 

            Inej laughed as his hand flipped in hers to interlace their fingers, right above her heart.

 

            “So, in this you are self-preserving?” Inej laid a kiss to the ridge of his cool knuckles.

 

            “I’m nothing if not opportunistic, mera nadra.”

 

            Inej glanced up at him through her lashes, coy and plotting. “I should reward these efforts, no, sacrifices, you make in order to preserve your health, then.”

 

            Kaz bit back a smile, that pesky strand of too long hair flopping on his forehead. His gaze was a liquid night sky, free of stars and lustful for it.

 

            “I would classify it a sacrifice to let you drag me by my collar. Think of the wrinkles, Inej. I do this for us.”

 

            Inej smoothed the back of his hand along her breasts, shivering when his knuckles crossed the pebbled tips.

 

            “Or I could punish you for breaking your word and not coming up to bed.”

 

            “’Nej,” He pleaded, gruff and gentle, his own version of a whimper. She took his hand south down her body, allowing him to flip his palm to her skin.

 

            She saw his eyes shut when she guided his hand between her thighs, right where she’d been left wanting for hours. Inej watched Kaz as he warred with his desire to snap and his wish to let her continue to guide him.

 

            His breath left in a tiny whoosh when he discovered her wetness, the slick expanse of her inner thighs. She ground her hips down against his hand eagerly.

 

            “I left you like this; I should be punished.” Kaz mumbled as his finger brushed between her wet folds. Her head tipped back; her hand left his only to fist desperately in the sheets.

 

            Kaz Brekker’s touch was that of fortune. Inej had never been a gambler, but she’d certainly understand the rush of winning.

 

            Kaz’s hands on her was winning.

 

            “Let me make amends.” Kaz whispered, his lips had somehow found her throat between blinks of her eyes. She felt his lips descend, agonizingly slow. He’d rolled to face her now in the sheets, his other arm pressed her closer to him.

 

            Inej groaned when she felt the brush of his hardness against her leg, still clothed. Saints damn him for being so respectful.

 

            Inej wanted him nearer, she wanted him inside her. She wanted that closeness, this intimacy they’d bled and bargained and begged for. She only wanted him closer. Only Kaz.

 

            The amber light sharpened his cheeks, the hollow dips of his collar bones. The satisfied smirk he shot her when he elicited little mewls from her mouth as he dipped a finger inside her. Her hands tangled in his hair when his mouth closed over the sensitive peak of her breast, one then the other.

 

            She knew where he was going, and her body urged her to let him. To let him explore her with his tongue and edge every worry out of her mind. Inej wanted him more.

 

            Gripping his biceps, she urged him back up her body. A tiny growling noise of protest escaped him only to be swallowed by her lips on his. She felt his tight shoulders loosen and give room for her to get her way.

 

            He tasted like coffee and cinnamon, like her Kaz.

 

            “You hadn’t kissed me yet,” Inej whispered as he caught his breath, forehead pressed against her own. His dark lashes fluttered as he reclaimed her mouth, tongue demanding entrance and hands sliding down her spine to grip the rounds of her ass. He pulled her flush against him, no longer made for words.

 

            She didn’t know what she was doing, exactly, as she began to pull him toward her. Atop her. He didn’t resist as her knees parted to accommodate him. Didn’t give space for questions to multiply.

 

            She knew only that his lips tasted like peace.

 

            Kaz broke away, only to drag his mouth down her neck, his nose burrowed against her skin. All the while, Inej’s hands were plucking at the laces to his sleep pants. His entire body shuddered when she loosened them enough to slip her hand inside, gripping his cock at the base and leisurely stroking upward.

 

            “Fuck,” Kaz groaned against her throat, his hips bucking into her hand. Looking down between them felt erotic, private. She had him in her hand, had all of him there, harbored in the middle of her spread legs.

 

            She did not feel trapped beneath Kaz, even entirely nude and vulnerable.

 

            She did not feel trapped beneath the weight of a man.

 

            Inej felt powerful.

 

            “You like watching,” Kaz leaned down to nibble at her ear. “You like knowing what you’re doing to me.”

 

            Inej gasped at the bite of his teeth, his forward observation. She tugged on him again as he balanced above her on his elbows. She turned her head to kiss the veins in his forearm. A primal satisfaction overtook her when he shivered, hips thrusting slightly toward her.

 

            “Is this alright?” Kaz asked her a moment later, the words layered with respect, gentleness. She knew why he asked. Thus far, he’d only ever been above her with clothes between them. They’d not made love this way before, in their limited few times. Not yet.

 

            Inej looked up at him, her eyes locked with his. She could feel his skin pressed against every part of her, she savored in the warmth of his body.

           

            “You’re safe.” Inej answered without thinking, barely tilting her shoulder in a shrug. His black eyes seemed to sober slightly as she took her hands up the bare expanse of his spine, her nails scratching gently. She observed the rise of bumps in his skin, all down his arms. “You keep me safe.”

 

            “I always will.” Kaz answered. She saw a flash in his eyes, a worry he would not allow to ruin these moments between them. Inej was grateful for it, too.

 

            Inej leaned up to kiss against the base of his throat, watching as his stomach hollowed on a deep breath. She felt him dip his hips down against her, the tip of him dragging across her lower belly.

 

            “Your leg?” Inej breathed the question, hardly focused but still concerned.

 

            “Still attached.” Kaz hummed. Inej frowned up at him.

 

            He rolled his eyes, ducked his lips to hers, “Comfortable, but you are absolutely underestimating the amount of discomfort I would withstand to be inside you.”

 

            “Then why aren’t you?” Inej moaned when his hand began to curve down her leg.

 

            “Pants.” Kaz whispered her first word of the evening back to her. She couldn’t help but giggle as he lifted away from her, just far enough to kick the clothing off his legs and over the edge of the bed.

 

            Kaz was back to her in an instant, gently hitching her legs up his hips.

 

            When he looked down at her again, he smoothed her hair away from her forehead with both hands.

 

            “I’m lucky.” Kaz mumbled. “I’m so fucking lucky.”

 

            Inej knew what he didn’t say, knew what they both refused to acknowledge. Luck could run out.

 

            Fear was a sick voyeur to their kisses, lurking there in the dark corners that the fire’s illumination couldn’t reach.

 

            Inej Ghafa forgot about fear the moment Kaz filled her, his breath hot against her lips. They swallowed each moan with tongues and teeth. His thrusts began slow, languid. Teasing. She tolerated none of it as she arched off the mattress, forcing him deeper until he complied to the pace she required.

 

            Kaz whispered little words to her in this new position, his mouth at her ear, on her lips, grazing like smoke upon her throat. Filthy things mixed with his love, his voice both rough and rasping yet somehow gentle.

 

            He told her how he loved finding her wet for him, how he wished to taste her every morning and fuck her every night. He lamented on the strength in her legs as she locked him tight to her.

 

            Furthermore, Kaz gave voice to the honor he felt in being allowed in this position with her. Inej could not doubt the sincerity that was gilded into his words- she’d heard this tone from him before. Every single time he’d ever made her a promise.

 

            “Thank you for trusting me like this.” He whispered on the air of a deep groan.

 

            Inej clung to him, pawed at him, shook for him. He knew how to make her clench around him, how to shatter her and build her back up.

 

            Only when she shouted his name like a curse against his shoulder, on her second climax no less, did he follow her over the cliff of ecstasy. He trembled in her arms, her nails biting into his skin as he buried his face into the crevice of her neck.

 

            Her own name had never sounded quite so magical as it did when it poured from Kaz’s mouth on a wave of breathless bliss. It was like a connotation, a signoff of a prayer. The whispering zing of a blade across a whetstone.

 

            Shivering, he eventually pulled out of her, but she held him there atop her, their legs a snare of bronze and ash. His head laid against her shaking chest as their breathing slowly began to even once more.

 

            “I don’t want you to go on this voyage, Inej.” Kaz whispered a long while later, her hands lazily stroking his shoulders, pushing at the knots within the muscle. “And I couldn’t be prouder of you for doing it regardless. I want you to know that.”

 

            This was a confession he did not look at her for, one that cost him more than his eyes could afford.

 

            This was a stolen truth he gave to her, heavy and heartfelt.  

 

            In the slope of his body melded with hers, Inej saw a horizon she wished to vanish into. A place unoccupied with threat and malice; a world where death felt more like a concept, rather than a pending memory.

 

            She worked on his tight shoulders, letting their silence cover them like a familiar blanket. There were no words for what his confession meant to her.

 

 

***** END OF SPICE CONTENT! *****

 

 

KAZ

 

            “What is that?” Inej asked softly from her spot beside him. Her voice did not quite startle him, but it did jar him from his knotted string of thoughts. He’d thought she’d fallen asleep this time, after their second coupling and a refresh of the fire. His body felt loose, lazy. His mind had not decided to follow suit. Not even with Inej tucked safely beside him, not even after the intensity of their unions.

 

            Kaz folded the parchment in front of him, fidgeting with the aged creases. He’d not shared this with Inej in the days prior, but here in the comforting concealment of night, he found himself reaching for it again. He’d used it as a bookmark, he’d put it in his bag, he’d taken it out again. He’d put it in the chest of his father’s letters- another gift from Emilia. It had moved locations more times in twenty-four bells than Kaz could count. Where could he possibly keep a gift so precious, so rare, safe?

 

            “Is that the note Emilia gave you in the kitchen the other morning? Is it another from your father?” Inej asked quietly.

 

            “It is the note she gave me. But it wasn’t from my father.” Kaz answered after a thoughtful moment. Inej’s head quirked, a little string of confusion pulling to tilt her head. He passed the page over to her, slowly, hoping she’d not register the bone deep hesitation he felt. Kaz didn’t think he’d trust anyone but her to even hold that piece of paper. Maybe Emilia, considering she’d kept it safe for him since she’d discovered it in the village archives, years prior.

 

            Still, even with Inej, a worm of anxiety wriggled free in his belly at the sight of his treasure in another’s hands. That flimsy piece of cheap paper and delicate ink meant more to Kaz than his hollow book back in Ketterdam. More than his first deck of cards. Even more than this very house.

 

            Inej adjusted, propped herself up in the bed, back pressed to the old headboard. Kaz admired the fold of her black hair over the ghostly white sheet she kept to her chest.

 

            Inej glanced up at him through her lashes, hands lingering on the page not yet unfolded. Kaz knew what her look meant. He nodded, giving her his final permission to open the aged missive.

 

            She began to read Jordie’s last letter.

 

            Eyes veering toward the hearth across the room, Kaz found he did not want to watch Inej as she read his brother’s words. The brother she’d never meet, the boy who Kaz would never introduce her to. Those simple scratches of ink in his brother’s hand felt like something the man Kaz had become had not earned.

 

            Those words were meant for Rietveld, for the little boy who had covered his brother in a too small coat, only hoping to keep them both warm. To be enough.

 

            Those words had come from a young man, a boy really, who had wanted to carve a place in the world for two forgotten orphans. It was a letter from one brother to the other, just hoping to be enough.

 

            In another life, they both would have been. In another life, maybe they never would have wondered if they were.

 

            “Kaz,” Inej intoned his name like a spell, whispering just right so her gentle magic might work. She’d read the entire thing, he knew.

 

            Fire chattered in this line of sight, Kaz imagined it a distraction, if only to strengthen his tenuous hold of himself. It had all become too much again. Too much in too little time. Inej was sailing away, Ketterdam was waiting for its crooked-crowned ruler to return. He had an aunt.

 

            The truth of it was, that letter had broken something in Kaz. It had cracked a hinge, a vital piece deep within him. Something that had begun to loosen with the death of Pekka Rollins now laid irreparable somewhere between his lungs and his heart. The place where a forge once burned hot, smelting his grudges into useful molds, weapons. Silver swords meant to spear through the world and all his enemies. His lungs had been a grand bellows, powered by screams he’d held trapped inside.

 

            Down there, in the depths of Kaz Brekker, his forge had gone out. Dark. Replaced instead with the harsh truth of it all- Kaz had lived off his anger, off those ashy words of promised vengeance for so long. Maybe too long. Long enough to forget there was another way to subsist. Contentedness.

 

            Now, only the cold of pain remained. Grief, he’d never allowed himself to heal from. Never wanted to. Never been brave enough to linger in for any real stretch of time.

 

            With the emergence of Emilia in his life, partnered with his breaking of Pekka Rollins, Kaz was forced now to reconcile with himself. Who was Kaz Brekker after the blood of his brother washed from his hands?

 

            Was he simply the leader of the Dregs? Was he Captain Inej Ghafa’s accomplice in the collapsing of the flesh market? Was he more man than monster? Was he simply Kaz Rietveld by day and Brekker by night?

 

            Kaz felt Inej move across the bed, felt her hand tangle with his limp, clammy fingers. He braved the cold in his bones long enough to squeeze once.

 

            He’d spoken his words aloud for her to hear, to sit with him in his confusion. Did he make any sense?

 

            “We have enemies yet, mera chaar. The rough work is not done, but we’ll see it through together.” His girl whispered.

 

            Inej’s magic worked in the end. There she was- his glittering sea tide in the distance- reminding him to still swim with purpose.

 

            Soon, he’d pluck up his cane like a smithy would a hammer and pummel, limp, back into his world.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            Time passed like the clouds, there one moment and gone with the next sun laden blink.

 

            Kaz had woken with Inej, late in the morning. They had been slow in dragging themselves from the warmth of the bed, electing to coax pleasures from one another first.

 

            Kaz could still taste the memory of Inej on his tongue, bells later.

 

            Now, it was afternoon. They’d spent the remainder of the morning fueling themselves, showering, then ruining any cleanliness they’d gained by the time Inej’s hair had dried.

 

            It had been an unspoken rule between them, to leave the voyage out of their conversation, today. Kaz had packed away their documents, ready for transport back to Ketterdam come the following morning.

 

            Now, Kaz limped out to the front porch, squinting in the sunlight that dripped between the leaves of the aspen trees. He’d not heard Inej in half a bell, were previously he’d known she’d sat here, speaking softly to Sankt Valentin and fussing over the feral tabby cat.

 

            The wheat swayed softly in the spring breeze, hushing any secrets the fresh turned soil might spill. Kaz limped around the porch, noting the rain of the night had left enough mud for footprints to form on the path. Paw prints and Wraith prints alike. Kaz followed the tracks to the back of the house until he spotted the cat lazing in the sun, a pile of nibbled jerky bits beside him on a flat-topped tree stump. The beast released a contented meow as Kaz dipped to scratch him behind his twitching orange ears. Little green eyes squinted up at Kaz, too lazy to open all the way.

 

            “You are not coming back to Ketterdam, but I will have the groundskeeper tend you.” Kaz mumbled as the cat bumped against his hand, fur soft and gritty from rolling in the dirt. “It would sway me toward your cause if you could point me to your mistress, though.”

 

            Sankt Valentin huffed, tail swishing. Kaz raised a brow and turned back toward the path. Inej’s footprints continued on. Lifting his gaze, Kaz observed the trail that led up the hill, toward the old oak tree. Toward his family’s graves.

 

            Kaz had reason to seek this direction. Deep in his pocket, a pair of copper crow cufflinks laid, weighing heavy, waiting for his brother.

 

            The path was half mud, but Kaz managed to keep his cane in the dry patches as he carved his way up the hill, listening to the distant melody of a songbird.

 

            He glanced behind him to the Rietveld farmhouse. The white paint was yellowed but no more than when he’d been a child. The navy shutters still clung to their true hue, but Kaz thought he might ask the groundskeeper to add a fresh coat to them anyway. Inej would be surprised when they next returned, especially if he managed to hire hands to tend to the overgrown tangle that had once been the garden and orchard, too.

 

            Kaz passed the little boulder at the crest of the hill only to find Inej knelt beside his mother’s grave, hands fiddling in the soil beside the headstone. He’d not seen her with before, what with the blinding sun, but now here she was. A pleasant shiver tumbled down his spine, rolling loose a frayed nerve he hadn’t been aware he was nursing.

 

            Even if Inej’s positioning was a stark mirror to the first night they’d spent at the farmhouse, the night they’d found Emilia in almost exactly the same spot. That night was neither a good nor bad memory for Kaz, now. It was just… gray. Just like the dusk had been. As muted as the alabaster his mother’s name laid carved upon.

 

            “I’ve been looking for you,” Kaz hummed was he clasped both hands over the head of his cane. He missed the curve of his crow’s beak.

 

            Inej swiped the back of a hand over her sweaty brow, brushing a sticky strand of hair away. Her braid had come loose, sometime between now and the last time he’d kissed her. No, wait. He’d stolen the tie… it was still on his wrist.

 

            “And I’ve been looking for that.” Inej’s eyes narrowed on the little leather tie in question. He smirked as he covered it with his other hand. She muttered something about thieves and distracting kisses under her breath. Kaz let his face grow smug. It wasn’t as difficult, he thought, to be up here in the sunshine.

 

            Laying beside Inej, Kaz registered a tiny, rusted shovel, the leather on the handle long since worn away. In a makeshift basket between her knees, born of one of her old tunics, Kaz noted a small packet of sorts.

 

            “What are you doing, Wraith?” Kaz asked as he limped closer, careful not to step on a patch of soil that may contain bones. His mother didn’t deserve cane prints on her grass.

 

            He’d trudged up enough mud into her house as a boy, right alongside his father and brother.

 

            Inej’s chin dipped away from him as she glanced over his mother’s headstone. Her soil crusted hand reached forward to pluck a tiny piece of dirt off the inscription. She wasn’t cleaning the grave, as Emilia had done, but she was being careful. Kaz’s chest tightened at the movement.

 

            “Come here,” Inej beckoned him, scooting over on the ground. Kaz raised a brow but did as she said, waltzing to stand beside her.

 

            “Down here,” Inej squinted up at him, dark eyes sparkling. Kaz glanced at the grave, back at Inej. “We aren’t atop her. I promise,” She whispered.

 

            Kaz knew Inej had no way of knowing, not really. Neither did he, considering he’d been mere days old when this grave had been dug. Still, Kaz felt himself ease into her warm words, dipping his toes and then settling to trust the safety.

 

            Bracing his knee, Kaz lowered himself to kneel beside Inej. He focused on the sun on his face, the glimpse he caught of Inej’s soft cleavage.

 

            Ghezen, he hoped his mother’s ghost knew he was only trying to distract himself. Sorry, Mama.

 

            Inej lifted her little shovel and gently nudged a coin’s worth of grass out of the ground. Kaz observed several other dots in the grave where green had been uprooted, leaving behind paltry mounds of rich brown soil.

 

            Kaz watched as Inej molded a tiny hole with the flat of her tool. He reached and tucked a long strand of hair behind her ear. She shot him an appreciative glance as she ducked a hand beside her, out of his sight. Kaz hadn’t even noticed the glass jar of water. Unscrewing the lid, Inej trickled a sliver of the liquid into the earth she’d carved. She patted the soil gently with her shovel, encouraging it to soak in.

 

            “When we were in Ravka, and you asked me to come back to Lij with you, do you remember what I asked you?”

 

            Kaz tilted his head, remembering the conversation she spoke of.

 

            “You asked me my mother’s favorite flower.” Kaz answered, lips tilting up. Inej produced a cluster of seeds from her pouch.

 

            “Marigold seeds, straight from Nani’s collection. I chose the orange and yellow ones, and now I’m glad. Seeing as your mother wanted a yellow kitchen. Now I can give her a little yellow out here, too. I guessed right.” Inej grinned as she tucked the seeds away in the ground. She used her hands to fold the dirt over their earthen cradle. “When we come back, she’ll have grown a sunset of her own.”

 

            Kaz sucked in a breath as Inej continued her careful meditation of dirt and water. Inej had thought of his mother, of this gift, all this time. She’d asked her grandmother for seeds, while he’d asked the same woman for golden rings.

 

            One of those rings now sat on Inej’s finger, a speck of dirt crusting the glinting alexandrite. Kaz thought it said something, that Inej wore it even now, here amongst the dirt and bones. He loved her for it.

 

            Sunlight dabbled Inej’s onyx hair, highlighting strands of azure and deep ochre. He watched as the breeze ran lazy fingers through it, flipping the ends and crossing sections of smooth waves.

 

            “You chose right, mera nadra.” Kaz replied as he admired this beautiful woman before him, planting flowers for the mother he’d never gotten to know but loved anyhow.

 

            Emilia had given him that gift, too. The stories of Elena Rietveld and her fierce sense of family. Her cutting sense of humor and her audacious way of making a room brighten. Because of her twin sister, Kaz could picture his mother’s face, now.

 

            He imagined she’d have laugh lines, unlike Emilia. He knew she had the same small freckle on her ear as he did. He noticed it every day, now.

 

            “I already added some seeds to your father’s flower box in front of the kitchen window, too. With the headstrong one. That rebellious little fall flower that bloomed in the spring.” Inej chuckled more to herself than him, mentioning how she’d like to ask the groundskeeper to water the flowers every so often, too.

 

            Kaz hadn’t stopped staring at her, had barely blinked.

 

            Sometimes, Kaz wondered if this was the truth behind Inej Ghafa’s lethalness. She could carve his heart from his chest with dirt chipped fingernails, and he’d smile at her as his blood soaked the ground.

 

            Sometimes, Kaz loved Inej so much he thought she was killing him slowly. It was a kind of pain that made him wish to die a hundred deaths at her hands; so long as each tender agony was stretched longer than the last.

 

            “What’s that look?” Inej was asking him now, chin tilted and eyes fluttering in the harsh daylight. Her brows pitched together slowly before she continued. “I know I should have asked before I started digging up graves, even with the intention of planting flowers.”

 

            Inej searched his face when his mouth remained closed. Kaz wanted to tell her every thought that came to his mind.

 

            You did nothing wrong, Inej. Thank you for loving my family the way I wish I knew how. You’ve made me so soft I could be sliced through with a flimsy little butter blade. I want to sign a marriage document right the fuck now just so I can wave it around in private. I want to smash something to smithereens because I can’t go with you on this voyage. I want to make Ketterdam know I’m still king and show them my queen’s victory.

 

            Kaz stretched his arm forward, brushed his thumb across her lower lip to release it from her worrisome teeth. Her eyes glanced down at the movement but veered straight back to him. Their silent language did not fail him, even when his tongue did. Her expression softened with a tint of relief as he trailed the backs of his knuckles across her jawline. Traced the thin, white ring of scar tissue around her neck.

 

            “I also asked Nani for some geraniums.” Inej whispered, producing a second tiny pouch from her pocket. “I was wondering if you thought Jordie would like them… as a gift from us.”

 

            Kaz looked down at the little packet of seeds in her hand and wondered how someone as pure as Inej Ghafa had found herself here with a man dressed in black, sitting atop a grave site.

 

            “He’d love them because they came from you.” Kaz answered, loosening his mouth into a smile for Inej. This time, he didn’t need to collect his thoughts. These words were as easy as if Jordie had been here, answering her himself.

 

            Inej beamed, bright and pleased. Kaz dug into his pocket for the cufflinks, eyes steering toward the headstone he’d ordered for Jordie. It looked so much newer than both his parents’, but in truth it had already sat upon this hill for several years. Perhaps it was the black stone he’d chosen, his own nod to mourning.

 

            Maybe, black only stood the test of time because it knew it was the color of grief, and grief never ended. Not really.

 

            “I’ll teach you how to plant them.” Inej said after she padded the last of her marigold seeds into his mother’s final resting place.

 

            Kaz hid a grin from her as she collected her meager gardening supplies and made to stand.

 

            Kaz had planted his first seeds on this farm at three. But he found he’d like Inej to teach him her way, anyhow. He enjoyed the glimmer her eyes took on whenever she got to show him something new.

 

            As they gathered around Jordie’s headstone, free of bones beneath it, Kaz swallowed the lump in his throat that rose quicker than high tide in fifth harbor.

 

            The stone was exactly what Kaz had imagined it to be, the craftsmanship he’d spent a month of scrub on at sixteen was worth every stolen dime. He’d not allowed himself to examine it closely, the night they’d found Emilia here.

 

            He traced a digit over Jordie’s name, the harsh carve of the lettering felt… final, beneath his fingertip.

 

            “I have… I have something else I wanted to bury here.” Kaz said, voice a shade raspier than usual.

 

            Inej had knelt to the earth already but now she peered up at him with eyes he was certain she hadn’t meant to display surprise so clearly. He knew why. It wasn’t as if he had bones or ashes to offer up to the earth.

 

            Kaz produced twin copper crows from his pocket, the metal shimmered under the afternoon light, sending flecks of amber to the face of his brother’s grave.

 

            “They’re like yours,” Inej squinted at his palm, a smile tugging on the corners of her mouth. “And like Jesper’s.”

 

            Kaz nodded, resisting the urge to change his mind and keep the cufflinks in his possession. He didn’t know why. It wasn’t as if he could give them to Jordie any other way. It wasn’t as if he would don the copper himself, not since he’d realized who they truly belonged to.

 

            “I have an idea.” Inej hummed as she reached into her boot, swiping a glistening Sankt Vladimir from its sheath. Freshly sharpened, Kaz noted.

 

            Inej reached to the hem of the tunic she’d previously used as a basket and cut a cord of cloth; the sound of ripping stitches filled his ears.

 

            “Are you quite fond of that shirt?” Inej looked up at him.

 

            Kaz hesitantly shook his head before Inej charged with her blade and swiped a square of his sleeve. The crow and cup peeked through on his forearm.

 

            “You didn’t even flinch when I came at you with a knife.” Inej observed.

 

            “If you wanted to cut me from down there, in truth, I do hope you would have gone for the groin.” Kaz shrugged.

 

            “I have use of that yet.” Inej winked at him as he made to kneel beside her. Kaz wondered if he might be enough of a heathen to explore this avenue of conversation in the presence of his family’s graves.

 

            “Don’t.” Inej held up a hand as his mouth began to open for a quip. He swallowed his filthy negotiations with a smirk as he watched Inej braid their two scraps of shirt together. Black and gray linked together in a tidy formation of plait.

 

            “What are you doing?” Kaz peered over her, trying to make sense of Inej’s sudden craft project.

 

            Inej’s hands continued to work, forming a tiny woven basket of sorts from their shredded clothing.

 

            “When a person dies, in my culture, we send them to the grave or the pyre with tokens of their family. It’s so they might know who to wait for, watch out for, in the realm of the Saints.” Inej began to thread the braid around, creating a little bag.

 

            “Like crows.” Kaz mumbled.

 

            Inej smiled over at him before continuing. “Memory is so heavily intwined with scent and ancestry that the Fjerdan’s believe their wolves can recall a true druskelle by a whiff alone. The Suli believe something similar: that memory transcends death but needs nudging to reform in the afterlife.”

 

            Kaz hummed, content to listen to Inej’s speech. As little faith as Kaz held in gods or saints, he could appreciate culture. Inej had taught him that. Her whole family had.

 

            “It’s tradition to weave together hair or clothing worn by the deceased most trusted family and friends to form a basket, and inside, we give them our love with tokens. Some clans value spices to season your first meal after death, others send icons of the Saints to remind you of your faith. Some, toys from childhood or sketches of loved ones. Simple tokens meant to stir memory, or reform bonds.”

 

            Kaz understood then, when Inej reached for the copper crows in his palm.

 

            “I know I never met Jordie, but I… well, sometimes I feel as if I did. I want him to know I’m worth looking for, in the next life, too. He is the brother of my heart, as much as Khalid. Jesper. Wylan and Matthias.” Inej cradled the crows in her palm. “Perhaps he’ll remember, if nothing else, green and gold on the tide.”

 

            Kaz’s throat tightened impossibly as Inej placed the crows back in his palm, holding open the small satchel she’d created of both of their clothes.

 

            Kaz reached into his pocket one more time. He pulled his gloves out. He had spares at the house, and about a hundred back in Ketterdam.

 

            Inej didn’t say anything as he first dropped the crows into her waiting bag, followed by the bunched-up fabric of his gloves.

 

            “In case his hands are cold.” Kaz whispered even though Inej had not asked.

 

            Kaz peeled Inej’s leather hair tie from his wrist, seeing her soft nod in the corner of his eye. He tied the little bundle with a messy bow, the same way he tied his shoelaces.

 

            The way his brother had taught him.

 

            Together, they dug into the earth. Inej with her shovel, and Kaz with his dirty hands.

 

            By the end of it, the satchel was surrounded by wild geranium seeds, biding their time until they rose from a grave filled with shining copper instead of yellowed bones.

 

           

 

 

 

EMILIA

 

            Emilia huffed a breath as she dug through the armoire in the back of her seamstress shop, cursing herself for deciding this design needed gold thread instead of silver.

 

            Silver, she could find. Gold? Up Ghezen’s ass somewhere, probably.

 

            The bell chimed, and Emilia whirled. She was closed, couldn’t people read? Hadn’t she locked the door?

 

            “Oh.” Emilia huffed as Kaz rounded the corner. That explained the lock. Her nephew raised a dark brow at her position, halfway in the wardrobe, bundles of fabric strewn around her feet.

 

            “I needed certain thread.” Emilia shrugged as she waded her way through a sea of fabric. Kaz’s face contorted with restrained laughter when she hopped over a particularly large roll of shimmering fabric that spilled over the plush carpeting.

 

            “Inej’s grandmother would skin you if she saw silk on the ground like that.” Kaz rasped as he cocked a hip against the doorframe to the foyer, watching her maneuver. He was in all black, a stark contrast to the setting sun that drenched the room and gilded everything buttery orange.

 

            Emilia still couldn’t believe he was here. In her life. No matter how fleeting it may prove to be.

 

            “It’s not real silk,” Emilia huffed. “Who do you think I am? That is a satin compound. I’m a professional.”

 

            Kaz loosed a sound that suspiciously resembled a giggle. Emilia waltzed behind the counter, tucking a stray curl back into her bun as she went. Kaz had begun walking the room, glancing at various designs she had displayed for the week.

 

            “Where’s Inej?” Emilia asked as she plucked her pencil from behind one ear and erased the word ‘gold’ on her design sketch, replacing it with a measly ‘silver’.

 

            “Back at the house, packing.” Kaz mumbled as he peeled a stray clump of lint from a gown on the far wall.

 

            “And you’re here visiting me voluntarily?” Emilia smirked as she continued her notes. She wondered if the fabrics would flutter from his eyeroll. She ignored the sharp ache that pierced her chest. Kaz was leaving tomorrow. Inej, too. She… Emilia hadn’t asked when, or if, she would see them again.

 

            Emilia had made a promise to herself. To Elle in the grave. This relationship would be on Kaz’s terms, if he wished for one. Her nephew hadn’t spent years wondering after her, the way she had him. Her presence in his life was not something he’d asked or searched for.

 

            Even if watching him walk away felt like spearing herself through a completely unused womb, linked to his mother through the bond of twinship, Emilia would let him. Emilia would let him go and recommend only the finest tailors she knew of in Ketterdam. He was not hers, but she’d lay herself in front of a train for the boy. Even in so little time, Emilia had grown such a fierce loyalty. It was rash… but what would their broken family be if not that? Loyal, bullheaded and irrational?

 

            “No, this is a business call.” Kaz hummed, cane clicking on the floorboards as he moved about the room. Aloof, calm. Emilia smiled internally. This was the man they called “Brekker”.

 

            “Milan Arkten. Did he arrive this morning with his wife as planned?” Kaz asked.

 

            Emilia squinted once more at her pad of parchment. Silver was all wrong for this. It had to be gold! “Yes, yes.” Emilia flicked her wrist, waving him off.

 

            “And when is the appointment for his wife?” Kaz asked, continuing his perusal of the shop. Emilia erased again.

           

            “Six bells ago.” Emilia hummed. A crash rumbled through the shop, shaking the coffee in its porcelain cup at the corner of her worktable. Emilia looked up and immediately groaned.

 

            Kaz was standing at the small closet door, set just behind the low hanging gowns, hidden from the sight of customers. He’d opened it and out popped Mr. Arkten, pale and very much dead. Rigor mortis had set his clubby fingers into sausage claws.

 

            “Good saints, it took me a bell to shove him in there! The man favors the fattening drinks! I sweat through my best blazer.” Emilia moaned, already dreading the hassle of lifting and shoving all over again.

 

            Kaz’s eyebrows nearly reached his hairline as he stood over their rigorous companion. He spun slowly to look at her fully, surprise coloring every part of his face.

 

            “What? I told you I’d handle it. I handled it.” Emilia huffed, folding her arms over her chest.

 

            “And you put him… in the closet?” Kaz toed at the dead man’s back with his cane.

 

            “It’s not as if I kill men in my shop regularly, it was a simple place holder until night falls and Lily brings the black wagon around the alley. No one will see him.”

 

            At least she’d heard Kaz lock the door on his way in. Re-lock it. The mannequins and mirrors also completely obstructed this corner of the room from the windows at the front of the shop. It was quite strategic, Emilia thought smugly.

 

            “Ghezen, you can’t even see a puncture mark.” Kaz remarked, now crouched beside the body, examining.

 

            “It’s in his iris. I wouldn’t peel those lids open, though.”

 

            Kaz nodded thoughtfully as Emilia went back to her work desk. She’d shove Arkten back when she was done with this sketch. Or leave him there until Lily arrived now that the shop was closed. Of course, Kaz had found the closet.

 

            “The wife expects nothing?” Kaz rasped now.

 

            “No,” Emilia answered before explaining the scheme she’d pulled, drawing the wife to run back to their rooms at the inn for her own dressing gown, under the guise that Emilia’s loaners had been at the launders. When the woman returned, the husband was gone. Not without leaving word with the trusted seamstress, of course. Pulled away by business was typical for these women. It had been quite strategic, arranging his departure time close to the trains leaving the platform outside of Lij. Emilia knew they wouldn’t bother cataloging passengers out here, not until the tracks crossed Belendt.

 

            “She wasn’t even concerned?” Kaz asked, speaking of Milan Arkten’s wife. Widow, Emilia supposed.

 

            “No,” Emilia laughed darkly. “He left his kruge to spend. She couldn’t care less. There was no love there. I know because she told me, many times, as she complained during her fitting.”

 

            Kaz mirrored her chuckle under his breath.

 

            “I’ll… I’ll be at the platform tomorrow morning. When you all depart. Lily asked me, but… I was going to be there anyways.” Emilia hid the confession under a casual scratch of her pencil on parchment.

 

            “Good.” Kaz answered after a long moment. She didn’t look up at him. They were both good at this, hiding serious words under casual statements.

 

            “I thought… well, Inej will be gone for a couple of months, assuming there is no hinderance…” Kaz paused long enough for Emilia to look up at him. He still stood beside Mr. Arkten; eyes trained on the dead man.

 

            Emilia held her breath.

 

            “Well, I can’t leave Ketterdam for anymore long stretches anytime soon… but seeing as the trains run more often, now…” Kaz fiddled with the head of his cane. “I thought perhaps next month I could come back for a night. We could have dinner or… that sort of thing.”

 

            “Dinner.” Emilia released the word with her breath. She smiled down at her pad once more. “Let’s say five weeks from Sunday.”

 

            Kaz nodded primly, swallowing. “Yes, if you’d like.”

 

            Emilia wanted to laugh, but she didn’t. She understood the weight of what Kaz had just done, in so few words. He’d allowed her to stay in his life.

 

            “Write me to confirm, nephew. Otherwise, seven bells sharp.”

 

            Kaz huffed and straightened his tie. “The deal is the deal, Aunt Emilia.”

 

            “The deal is the deal, Kaz.”

 

            Emilia heard his cane click as she turned her eyes back to her work. Before she knew it, a spool of gold thread landed on her parchment. Astonished, she looked up to find Kaz standing above her, across her worktable. His gloved finger reached to tap her lettering on the page, the eraser marks clear. Gold, silver, and gold again.

 

            “Mr. Arkten kept it warm for you in the closet.” Kaz smirked as he waltzed toward the door.

 

            “Thieves and their noses for gold.” Emilia beamed at his back.

 

            Kaz turned, saluting her from his brow with a crooked little smirk.

 

            “Nephew!” Emilia called, just as his hand landed on the doorknob. “Lock it from the outside, won’t you?”

 

            Kaz’s gruff laughter flooded Emilia’s chest as he closed the door behind him.

 

            The sun sank as Emilia began to twine gold thread through the eye of a needle, eyeing the white silk tucked behind the mirror in the corner. Humming, she picked up her pencil once more, and to the hem of the skirt in her sketch, she traced a crow in midflight.

Notes:

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So... one more chapter until the end of the season. One more season to go....

Happy New Years, dear readers. May your year shine like sun through aspen trees and ring as true as your heart. I love you and I hope you'll accept this belated chapter to celebrate.

Chapter 160: Quick Exits

Summary:

Mild panic attacks & some quips.

Notes:

CHAPTER 160!!!

HI. HI. HI. SEASON FINALE BAYBAY.

Hi guys! I'm back! I know it's been about 2 weeks but that is far better than my last absence, no? <3 BUT also, in the place of my quicker updates, you get another 10k word update. I hope that makes up for it?<3 I miss you. Anyways, I literally just want to say I hope you love this one. For some reason, I think this might be one of my favorites. I just hope you enjoy the heck out of it, as it is our penultimate season finale! ONE MORE SEASON OF DWOD. I can't elaborate how I feel about that or I'll type a novel and sob all over my keyboard. Enjoy, dear readers. <3

Thank you for all of your kind comments on my last chapter, it means the world to me to know that you guys understand why I was away and are still here. Your support has truly helped so much. I can never thank you enough. I'll hopefully get back to some comments this week, but just know they are seen and appreciated. I love you. <3

I REALLY REALLY REALLY WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU IN THE COMMENTS. (as i said, this might be one of my faves and I just really can't wait for you to read it. plz? ily <3) I'M JUST SO EXCITE

"getting older" by blu eyes (SO GOOD. LISTEN TO THIS BANGER.)

KAZ

 

            The sun was shy, hiding behind gray storm clouds as Kaz walked through the Rietveld farmhouse, locking each window, testing the strength of the mechanisms as he went. His vest had wrinkles in it. He didn’t like it. The upstairs was done. He hazarded a glance toward the bedroom, where the sheets on the bed remained wrinkled, too. Unmade and still warm from the brief visit the sun had bestowed at dawn. Kaz almost winced. He settled for yanking at his gloves instead. It was an act of defiance to the universe, leaving the bed unmade. He and Inej would return, and whilst they’d need to launder the bedding, it was as they’d left it. A piece of them. The first place that they’d made love, the first bed they’d truly put to their test, as lovers with needs long neglected.

 

            They’d come back. Together. But…

 

            It was time to go.

 

            Back to Ketterdam.

 

            Back to work. Even if he’d never truly stopped. Not entirely.

 

            “Are you ready?” Inej asked as he finished the same level of inspection of the ground floor. The groundskeeper had the only other key to the property, and whilst Kaz didn’t necessarily trust the man, never having met him in person, he’d been a loyal employee for going on four years. Kaz had been able to tell the man’s work at what Kaz had asked of him. He hadn’t asked much, save to varnish the wooden floors. Maintain the gutters. Clear the front path of weeds. Keep a candle and match stored in the lantern by the door. Simple things.

 

            Kaz had a full list for the man, now. Kaz had been back to Lij and knew everything he wanted done. He had an entire page full of things, in fact, tucked into his satchel. He’d write a proper letter from Ketterdam, divvy out the load in manageable doses throughout summer. He very well didn’t intend to scare off his hired staff by demanding blue paint on the shutters by tomorrow.

 

            “Yes.” Kaz rasped, refusing to acknowledge the harsh throb of emotion in his chest. It was a gray sort of pain, this time, so different from the crimson strikes of his memory. The first time he’d left his home, with Jordie.

 

            “You put out a fresh water bowl for the cat, didn’t you?” Inej worried at the strap of her bag rather than looking at him.

 

            “Right next to hole in the barn door I spent the morning carving out for him.” Kaz answered, relishing in the startled rise of her face. “He has a blanket on a hay bale now, and plenty of mice to sort through for me.”

 

            Inej’s face softened before she said, “You like the cat.”

 

            Kaz shook his head briskly. “I like you.”

 

            “No. You love me. And our cat.”

 

            “Our cat?” Kaz hummed as he swung his travel bag over his shoulder and motioned for Inej to move onto the porch.

 

            “You love me, our cat, and our birds.” Inej sing-songed, nudging him in the shoulder with a twinkle in her eye.

 

            Kaz rolled his eyes at her. Dramatically. She giggled.

 

            “You are quite certain you know me?” Kaz huffed as he dug the key to the front door from his pocket, grateful for Inej’s levity in the moment. He didn’t want to think about the fact that he was leaving the farm again. Or acknowledge that it didn’t feel as right as he thought it would.

 

            He did miss Ketterdam. Yet, he moved slowly, almost without consciousness. As if he was in no hurry to return.

 

            “Very certain.” Inej said.

 

            “I do love you, but you’re on thin ice, Ghafa.”

 

            “Excellent. I’m an acrobat, perfectly balanced, you know. I also happen to be quite petite. If anyone can cross your ice safely just to spite you, Kaz, it’s me.” Inej answered, smirking the entire time as he nudged the key into the lock and listened for the click of the dead bolt.

 

            Kaz peeked up at her fully under the rim of his hat. She beamed back at his scowl.

 

            “Besides, I know I’m not on thin ice. Your eyes are smiling at me.” Inej stepped on her toes and kissed his cheek. All grace, all close. Kaz snared her around the waist as she settled back to her feet. Her little yelp of surprise shimmied down his spine, spooling comfort as it went.

 

            Kaz let his chin rest on the top of her head as her arms slinked beneath his blazer, clasping at his lower back. It was a tad awkward with their bags, but Kaz wasn’t ready to let her go. His eyes strayed to the yard before him, all the way out to the fields. He could hear the distant shout of the workers, harvesting Rietveld crop to fulfill a promise to his father. His brother. Daan Tiers seemed to be the leader of the group, and now the man had an address to write Kaz of the progress throughout the season. It wasn’t to the High Wire, but rather to one Jesper Fahey in Ketterdam. Kaz trusted Jesper to collect the letters and pass them off to him discreetly.

 

            Kaz felt Inej’s fingers playing with the buckle on the back of his vest. He let his nose dip to her hair, inhaling her soft scent.

 

            “I love you.” Inej mumbled against his chest. He held her tighter, for one more long minute. He watched golden wheat sway, let himself still.

 

            He’d miss Lij.

 

            He’d miss his house. The quiet. Kaz had spent so many years with constant noise humming against his ears that he’d forgotten how to still his own mind.

 

            He’d miss Inej the most.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            Two bells later, Kaz and Inej walked up the rickety ramp of the single building rail station between Lij and Haig. The place was sparse, no other passengers to pick up. One old man minded the office and was so engrossed in his newspaper that he hardly paid any mind to Kaz until the kruge was laid flat on the counter and three tickets to Belendt were requested.

 

            “Here’s your tickets. Lift your own bags.” The man grumbled, a pipe hanging precariously from his lips. “Train will be here within a half bell. No washrooms until Haig.”

 

            Kaz liked him. He tipped twice the amount he should have.

 

            “You overpaid.” The clerk grunted as Kaz made to leave.

 

            “You underserviced. Appears we’re both bad at equations.” Kaz smirked when the man loosed a belly laugh so deep it shook his newspaper.

 

            “Have a safe trip, lad.”

 

            “Aren’t you special,” A silvery voice came to Kaz as he limped back toward Inej where she sat upon the singular bench with their bags. “I don’t think Kent has ever wished anyone a safe trip. Or laughed.”

 

            Kaz turned to see Emilia falling into step beside him, her skirts billowing out behind her in a storm cloud of gray satin. Not a black curl was out of place on her head, despite the breeze. Her crimson painted lips flicked into a half smile.

 

            “I insulted him.” Kaz snickered under his breath.

 

            “Ah, yes. Your family’s version of charm.” Inej quipped as he and Emilia approached, clearly having overheard.

 

            “Ouch,” Kaz huffed as he cocked his hip against the back of the bench.

 

            “Oh, don’t be modest, Kaz. The first compliment you ever paid me was what exactly?”

 

            “That you are dangerous.” Kaz smirked as Inej’s cheeks heated, her eyes darting down. She’d not been considering those words, he knew.

 

            “I was actually thinking of when you told me my arms were starting to look more like sticks than twigs after you and Jes started sparring with me behind the Crow Club.” Inej mumbled. Kaz couldn’t help the coarse chuckle that left him.

 

            “I really did charm you, didn’t I?” Kaz hummed, smug as hell.

 

            “I don’t know about you, nephew, but I do consider it a fine talent in our blood to endear people to us with the use of only crass words. A compliment at it’s finest, Captain.” Emilia piped in with a dip of her chin. Inej laughed as his aunt lifted the small bag from her shoulder and sat down on the bench.

 

            “Is that what I think it is?” Inej whispered to Emilia, eyes assessing the platform to make sure no one else had arrived to hear what came next.

 

            “It is.” Emilia nodded. Kaz tried to swallow the acid that began to climb up his throat. His mood soured considerably.

 

            Emilia glanced about once more before she opened the bag in her lap and produced a velvet box from within. It looked like a jewelry store box, the kind that might hold an expensive necklace or bracelet. Kaz wished that was the contents his aunt was producing to his future wife.

 

            But no. This was Kaz’s life. His aunt’s gift was vials of lethal poison. The diamond sparkling, in this case, was the antidote also included. Kaz peeked over their shoulders from behind the bench as Inej carefully opened the box. Sure enough, laid there on black velvet, were six vials and a shining silver syringe. The needle glinted bright, brand new and sharp. Three of the vials were shimmering green, clear almost, but mottled. The others looked like water but flaked with gold.

 

            “Butcher,” Kaz muttered under his breath, intoning the title bestowed to Emilia through the papers earlier that year. “The irony.”

 

            Emilia smirked up at him. “I like to keep my hands clean.”

 

            Inej choked on a laugh as Kaz rolled his eyes at Emilia’s joke. Dirtyhands was not impressed in the slightest.

 

            “You remember what I showed you the other night?” Emilia asked Inej, hushing her voice lower for precaution. Kaz remembered his aunt pulling Inej to the side that night before leaving, gesturing with her pale hands to Inej as if she had a needle in her arm.

 

            “Yes.” Inej gulped softly. Kaz narrowed his eyes.

 

            “I included an extra dosage, of both. I thought Kaz might feel better if you could… practice together, once, before you leave Ketterdam.” Emilia whispered.

 

            “Thank you for saying Kaz even though I’m shaking like a Saints damned leaf.” Inej huffed, glancing over her shoulder and up at him. Kaz laid a gloved hand to her shoulder, nodding once at his aunt in thanks. Inej’s muscles began to loosen under his kneading fingers. Emilia went on to explain that she’d left instructions also, tucked under the lining in the box. She also indicated that Inej should take the practice dosage, if only to know how the poison felt (painless, if the antidote was taken immediately. Painful, any longer than about thirty seconds).

 

            Kaz grimaced as Inej snapped the jewelry box shut, tucking the package carefully away in her satchel.

 

            Emilia sighed, fussing with the sparkling silver bracelet at her wrist. Kaz almost thought she might be worried. Not because of the poison she’d indicated having used on herself, but simply because she cared for Inej. For him.

 

            “Thank you, Emilia.” Inej said a moment later, face more composed. “This could help me save countless innocent people, and I want you to know how glad I am to know you.”

 

            His aunt’s face fell into soft shock for only a split moment, her composure returning as fast as his own would. “Yes, well. Family do such things for one another. I only want you to be safe as you change the world, Captain Ghafa.”

 

            Just then, they heard footsteps thudding up the wooden planks of the ramp behind them. Red hair glistened in the sun as Kaz’s head turned. Lily had arrived, right on time, as promised. Kaz straightened as he realized another figure walked with her. Adrie Hudson. A leashed Jax wagged his tail at Lily’s side, too. Kaz didn’t particularly care if the older woman came to say goodbye, but he wouldn’t lie to himself. Adrie had not made a great impression a few evenings ago. She’d costed him time. Kaz had little of it.

 

            Lily’s face was neutral as she squinted at their gathering on the platform, her fiery hair tied into two plaits on either side of her head. Her olive-green coat collar was buttoned to her throat, hands in the pockets and a travel duffel swaying at her hip. Navy eyes met Kaz’s as she ambled up, Adrie close behind.

 

            Kaz hazarded a glance at Emilia, who seemed intimately fascinated with pressing creases out of her skirts. She noticed Adrie, then. Inej raised to stand beside him.

 

            “I’ve got our tickets.” Kaz signed as Lily neared them, Jax pulling forward at a rapid tempo to rub against Inej’s legs and his own. Lily nodded somberly. She offered no salutation save for the dip of her chin. Kaz didn’t blame her. Couldn’t. What she was doing for him, for Inej, was still somewhat shocking.

 

            Kaz did greet the dog however, scratching under his collar until his rear leg thumped against the planks. He was a tall beast, Kaz barely had to reach down. He didn’t miss Inej’s sly smile at him from the corner of his eye.

 

            We’ll have a dog for you someday, Inej had once said.

 

            "Hello," Adrie mumbled as she came to a stop. Kaz got a better look at the woman in the daylight, noticed mud on her boots and the hem of her muted earth-toned dress. He suspected she’d already been in the Morgue this morning. He almost wondered if she lived at the cemetery, in some hidden apartment, like Lily’s office with the painting of the colorful sea. A sea that somehow, inexplicably, reminded Kaz of Jordie.

 

            “Hello,” Inej greeted, warmer than his own mumbled ‘hello’ that followed.

 

            “I’ve just come to see our girl here off. I know I didn’t, well… I acted down right out of wits the other night and I apologize profusely.” Adrie’s accent was thick with southern drawl, and Kaz sensed her sincerity. The woman toyed with her hands, clearly unused to attention. “It made no good impressions I’m sure, I just view Lily like a daughter. Mother-Henning and all that nonsensical shit.”

 

            Kaz shrugged. She wasn’t wrong. Inej elbowed him discreetly.

 

            “It’s not an issue.” Kaz bit out when Lily’s eyes sliced over his face. He knew when to pick his battles still, it seemed.

 

            “Mornin’, Emilia.” Adrie twisted her neck to peer beyond himself and Inej.

 

            “Adrie,” Emilia smiled, her motion false. Tight. Kaz could tell. As Inej would say, the seamstress’ eyes weren’t smiling.

 

            “You came.” Lily’s expression brightened when she spotted Emilia, now walking around them, stepping light and holding her chin high.

 

            “Yes, of course.” Emilia huffed. “I do tend to keep my word, and everyone just seems so shocked.”

 

            Kaz saw Adrie’s face redden. A dig at their history then, he supposed. Though he could relate to the sentiment. People were always surprised when he kept his word in Ketterdam.

 

            Kaz checked his watch as Lily and Adrie shared private words a few paces away. A goodbye that Kaz was not inclined to eavesdrop upon. He snapped the cover closed. Train would arrive any minute now. He glanced down the tracks, and there in the far distance, he saw the steam collecting in thick plumes against the pale blue sky.

 

            He reached into his pocket. Now or never.

 

            “Aunt Emilia, a word?” Kaz asked quietly. Inej raised a subtle brow at him as she double checked their bags, cinching the buckles. He shook his head, silencing her worries with a look. He’d tell Inej about this conversation later.

 

            Emilia followed him away, toward the tracks. Kaz wanted a modicum of privacy. He stood at the edge of the platform, gazing down. The iron rails were dirty but still emitted a dull glint under the mid-morning sun. He saw a necktie half buried in the dirt and frowned.

 

            “What is it?” Emilia asked, now beside him. He noticed how her staring down into the muck of the tracks, too. Shoulder to shoulder, Kaz reached deep within for his resolve.

 

            Kaz turned to her fully. His throat tightened. Kaz didn’t know why, exactly, but he hadn’t expected this to be difficult. He’d known Emilia such a short time, but still, he found himself… saddened. Kaz didn’t like it. He didn’t say goodbyes. Brekker let go, and kept going.

 

            Rietveld didn’t have to, though.

 

            Scuffing the toe of his shoe into the dirt, Kaz squeezed the head of his cane.

 

            “I wanted to give you something.” Kaz reached back into his pocket and passed a shining brass key into Emilia’s tentative palm. She wore gloves today, too. A soft looking gray leather that clasped over the back of her hand with a gold button. He focused on that button as she took the key firmly into her grasp. He’d had it made only the night before, an exact copy of his own. He’d been lucky to find the locksmith in Lij at the last minute.

 

            “A key.” She surmised as she examined the metal. One pristine brow peaked in confusion. “Whatever to?”

 

            “The house.” Kaz whispered as her black eyes widened. “I hoped you might check on it for me, for us. Occasionally. If you have the time. Or… if you ever just want to go, you are welcome. I trust you with it.” He added the words quickly, awkwardly. Trust left a briny taste on his tongue.

 

            “The Rietveld farmhouse.” Emilia whispered back; voice lower than before.

 

            “I am not… I’m not… It’s not a natural talent of mine, to show gratitude. But you have mine. Not just for your aid with Inej’s voyage but…” Kaz trailed off, focusing his eyes on the tangle of trees in the distance, far beyond the tracks.

 

            “You have nothing to thank me for, Kaz Elias.” Emilia answered immediately. He turned his head at her use of his middle name.

 

            “I do,” Kaz shook his head briskly, determined to say what he meant. “You looked for me. You kept looking for me.”

 

            Emilia’s sigh was deep, near silent. Her eyes looked up to him slowly, the key tucked tight in her hand, as if she were afraid to drop it.

 

            “I am going to tell you this once, so listen to me.” Emilia began, not allowing his gaze to look away. Her black lashes fluttered, jaw hardening. Something serious was coming. Kaz felt like a boy again.

 

            “You do not thank me for looking for you. Never again. I looked for you because you are worth looking for. I knew that before, and I certainly know it now. On the worst days of my life, I fed my starving heart the hope of you, praying to forces I don’t believe in that I wasn’t lying to myself. Your mother isn’t here, and every day I mourn her, but I look at you, Kaz, and I get to see them again. My twin, my better half. And Bram, my treasured friend. I see Jordan, the little boy I knew and loved.” Emilia paused, swallowing thickly. Her eyes glinted wet. Kaz felt his shoulders raise, defensive. As if he knew a blow was coming, but had no wish to stop it.

 

            “I thank you, Kaz. For giving me that chance. I thank you more, for letting me know you, the boy I dreamed about that I kissed goodbye in his cradle. He became a man I’m proud to call my family.”

 

            Kaz didn’t know what to do with her words, the strange festering of emotion that pooled behind his lungs. The air was punched from him without a single fist or collision.

 

            Family. Blood. The two were not the same in Kaz’s eyes, but somehow, Emilia fit squarely into both categories. He realized it that quickly, that easily.

 

            The train horns blared, steam billowing high into the sky. The tracks shook as Kaz slowly, tentatively, placed his gloved hand on Emilia’s shoulder. He squeezed through her blazer lightly. The train’s movement pushed a single black curl from her bun, played in the hem of her skirts.

 

            “Seven bells sharp. Five weeks from Sunday.” Kaz replied, the only words he could seem to find. To his surprise, Emilia’s hand came over his own. She squeezed his fingers once, looking straight ahead. They said no more words.

 

            But Kaz knew. His Aunt Emilia knew. This was enough for them.

 

            Huggers, they were not. His aunt’s eyes were wet, but in a blink, her expression cleared.  

 

            She nodded once, walking briskly away from the cracked jar of emotions they’d both opened. Kaz smiled as she made her way to Inej. It was odd to find himself in Emilia. Or perhaps, he found Emilia in his own actions. Related, truly. 

 

            Kaz couldn’t hear what the two women shared as he plucked up his own bag, watching as a single couple exited the train onto the platform and marched out to the ramp, paying none of them any mind.

 

            Before Kaz knew it, a uniformed man stepped off the train to take count, he barely examined the tickets in Kaz’s hand.

 

            Kaz looked to Lily as she knelt before her dog, scratching his ears as he whimpered and barked.

 

            “I’ll be back for you, boy. A few months, I promise. Aunt Adrie is nice enough to let you stay with her. She’ll spoil you.” Kaz heard her whisper. Kaz didn’t think he imagined the shine of tears on Lily’s face as she turned away from Jax. She hid her expression, swiping carefully at her kohl dusted lashes.

 

            Kaz let Inej up onto the train first, offering a polite nod to Adrie in departure. Emilia simply stood by the doors, now cleared of the conductor. Kaz heard him shout from within the train, “Doors close in two minutes!”

 

            As Kaz busied himself with handing his bag up to Inej, he heard Lily talking softly with Emilia.

 

            “Make sure she doesn’t hole herself up in the morgue, Em. Look after her.” Lily whispered to his aunt through a very light, one-armed embrace that Lily initiated. He knew they spoke of Adrie, now walking down the ramp with a restless dog.

 

            His aunt’s face pinched, and Lily gave her a stern look. Then, Emilia laughed.

 

            “I’ve got it from here. I’ll just annoy the hell out of her.” Emilia hummed. Kaz turned and waited for Lily.

 

            Glancing between himself and Emilia, Lily took a deep breath and hitched her bag higher over her shoulder.

 

            “Don’t die, any of you.” Emilia called out. Kaz translated the words for Lily as she boarded the train. He saw a hint of mirth appear on her face. Then she seemed to remember their relationship was still… strained, at best. Lily walked past him onto the train without a word.

 

            When Kaz looked back, Emilia was already gliding toward the ramp, skirts a flourish behind her. He wondered if she walked so resolutely so she may always showcase her designs. As if she were both model and designer.

 

            Only as the doors shut did Kaz realize Adrie was waiting for Emilia at the bottom of the ramp. He smiled, privately, dimple on full display.

 

            Kaz inhaled one more time, as if to suck as much Lij into is lungs as possible. He closed his eyes and exhaled.

 

            Straightening his tie, Kaz turned from the doors as the train began to move.

 

 

 

INEJ

 

            Inej settled herself on the seat in the compartment nearest the doors of the train, watched as Kaz slid their bags up into the storage cabinet. She glanced around, confused.

 

            “Where’s Lily?” She asked softly as Kaz limped to sit across from her, bracing heavily on his cane as the train reached full speed.

 

            “She came onto the train after you.” Kaz shrugged. “Took another empty compartment I suppose.”

 

            Inej watched as he pulled a copy of the Ketterdam post from his blazer. It was probably a few days old as it took time to get to Lij, but he didn’t seem to care. She’d seen him buy it as they returned Ally to the rental stables in town earlier that morning. She knew he was checking the stocks, seeing if anything had shaken the city in the time they’d been away. She’d honestly been surprised he hadn’t even attempted to do so before now, whilst they’d been in Lij.

 

            Inej sucked in a breath as she gazed out the window at the blurring scenery, she watched Kaz’s reflection instead. She noticed his gloves, an older pair. A spare, seeing as he’d buried one of his finer sets for Jordie out on the hill the day prior. She’d known because that set, the ones he’d laid in the dirt, had been stamped along the edges with one of his preferred leather tanner’s logos. This pair looked less polished than he did.

 

            She knew the slight gathering of wrinkles in his vest had bothered him. In Ketterdam, he always looked pristine. Even if his tie was streaked in blood in some alleyway, Kaz carried himself as if it were meant to be there.

 

            It was almost startling to see him this way again today. Not because he’d ever stopped wearing his ties or jackets in Ketterdam, but instead it was his body language. Her fiancé never slouched, but he’d seemed… more comfortable, in Lij.

 

            Inej wondered if she’d shown any of that herself, back in Ravka. Her mind began to wander as she stared at Kaz’s reflection, silently building blockades against the steady rise of anxiousness within her chest.

 

            She wondered if Specht had had any troubles securing the supplies they’d need to stock the Wraith for the foreseeable future. Inej began listing her crewmates in her mind, planning a trip to the bank in Ketterdam to retrieve an advance for each of them…

 

            “You’re staring at me in the window, Inej.” Kaz’s gruff voice came to her. She didn’t know how long she’d been spinning inside her mind, creating yet another never-ending to-do list.

 

            “Sorry,” Inej mumbled, already onto the next thing. Kaz must have seen it in her face as she felt the end of his cane bump her knee from across the small aisle.

 

            “What?” Inej glanced at him. His paper was now folded away, sitting on the bench beside him. His dark eyes were zeroed in on her, watching her face.

 

            “Something tells me you’re beginning to spiral.” Kaz rasped, hands linked in front of him.

 

            “I’m not spiraling.” Inej snapped without thinking, her voice sharper than intended.

 

            Kaz lifted a black eyebrow, ran a gloved hand over his hair. He didn’t stop looking at her. He waited, instead. Coaxed her with his eyes but not prying.

 

            “I just… there’s a lot to do.” Inej sighed, leaning back against the cushioned seat.

 

            “There is.” Kaz confirmed, his voice gentle in the wake of her snap. “But it’ll be dealt with in Ketterdam, not on the train. We have half a day of travel ahead of us, mera nadra.”

 

            “It doesn’t hurt to plan.” Inej argued.

 

            “All we’ve done is plan, Inej. I know you have. You have three to-do lists in your bag that I saw you writing. You’re not inexperienced. I know this isn’t just any slaver-hunting voyage, but it’s not entirely different until you get there.” Kaz reasoned, calm and collected.

 

            “And you’re just fine?” Inej was aware how petulant her tone was, how childish she was being. Her nerves felt… electrified. Her every other thought was of Kane De Vries and burying Sankt Petyr into his throat so deeply that she pinned him to the wall. People were out there, suffering on the Pearl Coast, and Inej had no idea if she’d actually pull this scheme off alongside Zoya. To save them. To liberate them.

 

            Zoya, the Queen of Ravka, who was not going to be pleased when she learned of all the additions to the plan. How Inej would sail the Wraith directly into the mouth of the beast. How they’d both be… changed. Dead, kind of.

 

            Was Zoya already back in Ketterdam, waiting? She’d sailed back to Ravka at Nikolai’s side but had promised to return as quick as possible to leave for Kane’s island fortress. She’d given Kaz and Inej time to plan, but suddenly that time was up and Inej couldn’t think through every step clearly, yet.

 

            “Inej.” Kaz called. Only then did Inej realize she’d started taking shallow breaths, staring up at the storage cupboard where poison awaited her.

 

            “I’m fine.” Inej gritted. Her hands began to move without thought, counting and naming each knife on her person silently. The knives hidden mostly beneath her coat, lest they’d draw attention in Belendt.

 

            “I’m not.” Kaz replied, his voice hushed.

 

            “What?” Inej’s eyes darted to him.

 

            “You asked if I’m fine. I’m not.” Kaz answered.

 

            Inej’s eyes locked with his, letting him pull her down from whatever rooftop she’d just tried to scale in her mind.

 

            Inej didn’t panic. It wasn’t… it wasn’t typical. She prided herself on that, staying as collected as Kaz, even in times of high danger. In times of life or death. This was neither. What was wrong with her? She’d been fine this morning as they’d left the farm. She’d slept soundly the night before, curved around Kaz’s warmth.

 

            Slowly, Kaz began to take deep breaths. He was silent, but she knew exactly what he was doing. They’d done this for each other many times before, but this was perhaps the first time it had absolutely nothing to do with their respective traumas.

 

            Inej copied him for a long minute. Once satisfied with her breathing, Kaz slowly stood and came to sit on her side of the compartment.

 

            “Why didn’t you sit with me in the first place?” Inej pouted.

 

            “I had thought Lily might join us.” Kaz mumbled, eyes glancing to the door of their compartment. Inej noticed his hand, now bare, laying palm up on his knee. She took his hand greedily, snaring their fingers together just a little too quickly.

 

            This was why the panic had come for Inej as she thought about the voyage she faced. This past year… this past year had shown Inej just how much she stood to lose.

 

            A marriage to her best friend.

 

            A family so big that Inej could barely comprehend it, a family that had only expanded.

 

            A life meant to be lived rather than tallied by how many times she managed to survive.

 

            “You could pray, if you wanted.” Kaz whispered, gaze lowered to their joined hands in her lap.

 

            Inej’s breath caught in her throat.

 

            “I know you normally do it silently, I don’t know if that is simply your preference or if you do it because I don’t believe the same as you. If it is the first, please don’t let me intrude. If it is the latter, forgive me for making you feel as though you shouldn’t be as bold with your faith with me as you would anyone else.” Kaz’s voice was a hoarse whisper, caressing her heart and mind.

 

            Inej reached her free hand up, cupping his cheek to turn his face to her.

 

            “I do it silently sometimes because I wish it to be private, between the Saints and I. But I appreciate your words, mera chaar. I pray over you daily, even if you do not care for it.” Inej smiled as his face leaned into her hand. “This time though, I think I’d like to share it with you.”

 

            Inej did pray, aloud but whispering. She knew Kaz did not understand most of what she said, speaking in her native tongue, but he listened.

 

            When Kaz’s eyes closed against her hand, she smiled.

 

            “I like hearing your voice. Your language. If that means praying over my sorry bag of bones, I’ll take it.” Kaz mumbled against her palm, pressing a small kiss to her skin as he spoke. The prayer had helped, so had he.

 

            Inej laughed, bright and true. She felt Kaz’s arm reach around her, pulling her up against him.

 

            They watched the window as the scenery flew by, knowing that they could not take this time for granted, faithful or faithless. Whatever would come to pass, would happen regardless. They should cherish these moments, however many they had left.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

KAZ

 

            Halfway to Belendt, Kaz made his way down the hall of the rattling train, bracing himself against the walls rather than with his cane. He’d left Inej to read the book she’d brought with them to Lij. Kaz had finished it the day prior, and now he’d coaxed her into doing something for herself. He’d been pleased that she’d actually listened.

 

            “Tell her she’s welcome to sit with us, Kaz. Otherwise, the second leg of this journey will be quite awkward in a carriage with one another,” She’d called as he’d departed to search the train for Lily. “And if you love me as much as you claim, perhaps you could bring me some hot water for my tea from the passenger cart?”

 

            Kaz had winked at her over his shoulder, refusing to let her see his carefully hidden nerves to face Lily again.

 

            As Kaz neared the end of the hall, he finally found Lily. They had known they were the only passengers this morning when Lij was the end of the line before the train returned to Belendt, but Kaz still hadn’t expected Lily to take the farthest compartment from himself and Inej. He wondered if she’d done it intentionally or simply by coincidence.

 

            Kaz knew he probably should have come to see her a bell ago. He’d been selfish instead, relishing in his time to hold Inej privately. Regret was not something he felt regarding that choice. Still, he wished for Lily to know she was welcome.

 

            Kaz rapped his knuckles against the door harshly, knowing Lily would need to see the door shaking rather than hearing his knock. Her head turned at the movement, eyes narrowing on him through the window on the compartment door.

 

            Her nod for him to enter took far longer than necessary. Kaz waited anyways, undeterred by the shaking of the train even if his knee began to grow weary with the rattling about. He held her gaze until she gave in.

 

            Kaz entered the small space, closing the door behind him. He braced his leg as he lowered himself across from Lily. The set up was identical to his and Inej’s own compartment, save that Lily had lowered the brightness on the singular wall sconce.

 

            Lily observed him as he settled, silent. Generally, Kaz preferred this type of human interaction. But with Lily, he felt… like squirming. Her silence felt tense. Not angry, but somewhere in the general vicinity of it.

 

            “I shouldn’t have made you wait with your leg. That was unkind,” Lily signed to him rather than speaking. “I forgot about it, just now. I wouldn’t have done it if I’d remembered your pain.”

 

            Kaz leaned back in the seat before responding in the silent language, much slower than she. “It’s not that bad. I probably deserved it.”

 

            Lily hummed an acknowledgement, turning her eyes back to the little sketchbook that Kaz now noticed laying open in her lap. In one hand she held a sharpened pencil, her finger flicking the utensil against the page she had clearly been working on.

 

            “What are you sketching?” Kaz signed when her eyes returned to him.

 

            Lily’s profile was struck by a stray sun beam, igniting her hair plaits. Woven maroon and gold, much deeper red than Wylan Van Eck’s hair. Lily Arbor had always turned heads, Kaz remembered from his childhood. He also recalled Jordie throwing threatening looks at other boys in town on the rare occasion the three of them were allowed to wander about unattended. She was beautiful, feminine featured. Soft, but striking too. Kaz had never seen Lily like his brother had, she felt like a sister, but he wasn’t blind.

 

            He imagined Jesper and Nina’s jaws hitting the ground when they saw her. It almost made him chuckle. Even Inej had looked flustered the first time Lily had bestowed her navy gaze upon her. Kaz had been too, but his own uncomfortableness stemmed from the simple fact that he felt like a child again whenever Lily leered at him.

 

            “I don’t really know.” Lily sighed, speaking aloud. “It’s a rock, I guess.”

 

            Kaz tilted his head trying to get a better look at her sketch. She ended up passing it to him. Kaz held the leather-bound book, staring down intently.

 

            “You know my painting, the one you saw in my office at the morgue?” Lily asked. He nodded.

 

            “Well, this was in that dream, the past few nights. Just a big rock. A tiny island in the middle of the colorful sea.”

 

            “Have you seen the… rock, before recently?” Kaz asked, making sure she saw his mouth move. He remembered Lily’s story of her mural at the morgue. How she’d dreamed of the sea, almost every night for ten years. Kaz wasn’t superstitious, but he couldn’t ignore the oddity of it.

 

            “Yes. Well… sometimes it’s there, sometimes it’s not.” Lily lifted a shoulder in a shrug.

 

            “I didn’t see it in your mural.” Kaz replied, squinting down at the page. It was a boulder, a big one, clearly in the middle of sea waves. The sketch itself was impressive in detail, but an odd subject matter. Kaz couldn’t make sense of what jutted from the top of the stone. A series of lines that sprouted up in a star-like shape from a stem of sorts. The mass was a crude composition in comparison to the rest of her details.

 

            “Because I like my wall better without the hideous rock in the middle.” Lily answered, hands moving along with her words.

 

            “What’s the top part?” Kaz questioned.

 

            “I don’t know. It’s always like that though. I can only ever see the vague shape of those lines on top of it in my dreams. Odd, isn’t it?” Lily mumbled as he passed the book back to her.

 

            “It kind of looks like a dead bush.” Kaz concluded.

 

            Lily laughed, a quiet husky noise that Kaz realized he could have recalled from anywhere, all these years later. It was the first time she’d laughed at something he’d said since their reunion.

 

            Kaz tried not to feel pride at earning it.

 

            “It does, doesn’t it?” Lily tilted her head at the sketch. “Or as if someone got a little too ambitious and decided to plant their flag in the middle of the ocean, except they used an ugly stick and chose an ugly boulder.”

 

            “What a great nation it would be,” Kaz hummed. “I’d call it something terrifying and send word to every country to come visit. Imagine the dignitaries faces.”

 

            Lily gaped at him before she laughed again. Kaz relaxed, one muscle at a time.

 

            Then, seeming to remember herself, Lily swallowed her laughter. Shook her head of some thought. Shoulders tensing once more, Kaz wondered why he’d expected anything else.

 

            “If you’d like company, you’re welcome to sit with Inej and I. I assume you chose not to because you prefer the solitude, but you are welcome.” Kaz signed and spoke.

 

            “Inej seems kind.” Lily replied instead of addressing his invitation. “What she’s doing for Kerch is remarkable.”

 

            “It is. She is.” Kaz said. A familiar bloom of pride unfurled in his chest.

 

            My wife is Captain Inej Ghafa. The unspoken words tasted like hot chocolate on his tongue, something searing hot and sweet.

 

            “I wonder what she sees in you.” Lily mumbled. Kaz jerked his head up, not quite offended, for he wondered the same thing every day, but perturbed by the bluntness of her statement.

 

            Lily smirked, blue eyes sparkling with coy mischief. She was teasing him.

 

            “Me too.” Kaz grumbled in return, lips tilting up at the corners.

 

            “I suspect this warning falls out of place, but I’m already loyal to her cause and if you ever make the shit list… I can still kick your ass, small brother.” Lily said then, in sign and word.

 

            Kaz couldn’t help it, he tipped his head back and laughed.

 

            “She’ll very much appreciate it, I’m sure.” Kaz replied. “And no, you cannot.”

 

            “Yes, I can.”

 

            “No.” Kaz shook his head like a child. “I’m taller now.”

 

            “Still. I’ll whoop you into shame.”

 

            “I have a cane. It’s a weapon.”

 

            “I have a scalpel. It’s a weapon.” Lily parroted.

 

            Kaz smothered his laughter with a huff. Lily’s smile began to fade, as if she’d just remembered she still despised him. Kaz shouldn’t care what she thought. They were strangers. Worse. They were strangers that could bicker like siblings, as if Kaz hadn’t become… whatever he was. As if Lily hadn’t probably considered ripping his head open with her autopsy tools with genuine interest.

 

            The cabin grew quiet for a moment, Lily staring down at her sketch and Kaz right at her.

 

            “I know my company is probably not your first choice, but…” Kaz fumbled, looking for the proper excuse.  “But I think you and Inej would get along just fine. I know she wishes to know you better, before the voyage.” It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the full truth. The truth that Kaz just couldn’t afford an attempt at crossing the chasm between himself and Lily Arbor, right now.

 

            A chasm that was truly only six feet deep, marked with a headstone labeled “Jordan Rietveld”.

 

            Kaz couldn’t tread that land when he needed to keep his mind in order. For himself. For Inej. For a return to his city.

 

            Lily read his words, his hands. Her eyes seemed to dim, a somber expression crossing the muscles between her lips and brow.

 

            Kaz cleared his throat in her silence, accepting her non-answer. He stood and reached for the door handle.

 

            “Kaz?” Lily called from behind him, her tone hesitant. He turned his head, glancing back over his shoulder.

 

            “There’s something I should have said, the moment I realized it was you at the stream, under Jordie’s tree.” Lily signed, no longer speaking. It took Kaz a moment to interpret her words, his skills in the language were returning, but still rusty.

 

            Kaz thought Lily had said exactly what she’d needed to, that afternoon when they’d spoken again for the first time. She’d unburdened her anger on him, anger he rightfully deserved.

 

            A smaller voice inside him, tentative and meek, whispered. “She also said she could forgive you, one day.”

 

            Kaz waited for her to continue, wishing he could drop his eyes. He couldn’t, though. He needed to listen to her. Read her words.

 

            Silently, Kaz braced himself. In the span of a second, he thought of a hundred different things Lily Arbor could say to him. Some were insults. Some were worse.

 

            Perhaps it would be as simple as a wish. A wish that Jordie had come back instead of him. He wouldn’t hold it against her.

 

            Instead, Lily’s eyes assessed him, scanning every inch of his downcast face. His hand was still on the door handle.

 

            It felt safer that way, when in the lairs of dragons or terrifying women. Safer to have a quick exit.

 

            Finally, Lily signed again. Her motions were slowed this time, for his benefit. She did not say the words verbally, did not let her eyes move from his own.

 

            “I’m glad to see you safe. I missed you.”

 

            Kaz’s hand dropped from the door handle in shock. The leather of his glove emitted a small creak as he balled his fingers into a fist.

 

            For a moment, they stared at each other.

 

            “I missed you too, Lily.” Kaz rasped, wishing he could say the words with his back turned. He said them, though. Kaz spoke the truth to Lily’s face.

 

            He made his way into the hall without another word, limping up the rumbling car.

 

            He focused on his mission: hot water for Inej’s tea.

 

            When Kaz poured out steaming water from a kettle in the abandoned amenity car, he missed the mug twice. His hands were shaking. Water splashed on the wooden tray, a minor mess. Kaz slammed the kettle down, barely keeping the lid on.

 

            He was angry. Infuriated. Horrified. Why had Lily gone and said that? Why the hell was kindness what broke him? He’d gotten her involved in this, and he couldn’t take her out. Not when Inej needed her help. Lily and Inej were leaving. They might not come back.

 

            Jordie, I’m so sorry.

 

            He grabbed the edge of the cart, dropping his head between his shoulders. It was too heavy. It was all so fucking heavy. His knuckles were white beneath his gloves, he was certain. His breath came in ragged drags, his eyes squeezed shut.

 

            Inej’s promised cup waited as Kaz tried to grasp that void he’d carried inside himself for so long. He reached for the pit of nothingness that had allowed him to stay level for so many years. Numbness and oblivion were nowhere to be found.

 

            Kaz couldn’t find it, anymore. He couldn’t shut it all down, put it away. He wanted to yank his hands, throw the cart against the wall. He wanted to bash a skull in with his cane.

 

            Only then did Kaz realize his eyes were watering. He tasted salt on his sealed lips.

 

            He wasn’t crying.

 

            He wasn’t crying.

 

            Kaz Brekker needed to return to Ketterdam. There wasn’t space for this.

 

            That’s what Kaz was doing. He wasn’t crying.

 

            He was bleeding out the man’s agony, making space for the monster’s return.

 

 

 

INEJ

 

            The coach bumped over cobbled streets, now. They were close. For several bells, the three of them had sat in near silence. Kaz, Lily, herself. They’d hired a coach and four to carry them from Belendt’s rail station, and now, Ketterdam’s inky skyline was visible in the distance. Covered in soot, Inej wondered why she had kind of missed this cesspit city.

 

            But she had. She’d missed Ketterdam and its symphony of swindlers and underdogs. Even if the king of them sat beside her, glancing at his pocket watch every so often.

 

            “Are we late for something?” Lily finally broke the silence. The mortician had never come to sit with herself and Kaz on the train, and thus far had remained near silent in the coach. Even when Inej had begun to try and make conversation, it’d fallen flat. She couldn’t be certain whether it was due to disinterest or her own lacking of energy to try harder than a few words. Still, something felt tense in the air of their four tiny walls.

 

            Inej had also seen something in Kaz’s face when he’d returned with water for her tea on the train, something Inej didn’t like.

 

            His eyes always carried a purple hue beneath them, all the better for spotting misplaced red tones at the corners. When Kaz had returned to their seats, his eyes looked as if he’d been swiping at them.

 

            His face had been as neutral as ever, but it was in the eyes. Always in Kaz’s eyes. There had been something missing in his gaze after he’d spoken with Lily, a piece of him he’d now tucked away, hidden behind reinforced armor he’d not worn in some time. Not with Inej.

 

            Her fiancé had been different, the rest of the train ride. Sitting close beside her, but never reaching out. His thigh had not so much as grazed her own. It wasn’t completely unusual, Inej hadn’t pried, but now she found herself glancing at Lily. Had something happened between them, when Kaz had gone to find her? Had they fought?

 

            “No. We aren’t late for anything.” Kaz answered Lily briskly. He did not elaborate as Lily eyed him. Instead, Kaz focused out the window, his gaze settled resolutely on Ketterdam.

 

            Inej took a chance, bumping his knee with her own. He shifted himself away subtly. If he were anyone else, Inej might have thought he’d mistaken her touch as accidental, a consequence of adjusting her position.

 

            Accidental touches did not exist with Kaz and Inej. They never had. He’d moved away on purpose.

 

            Inej felt a spider of anxiety begin to skitter down her spine. Kaz’s mood was only the piece of silk that snapped the horse’s leg.

 

            Saints, let these next days go smooth. Let the sea be the same. Please.

 

            Not half a bell later, Kaz rapped on the roof of the coach, signaling the driver to stop. Inej peered out the window, recognizing a side street of the financial district immediately. Above them was a stone awning with inscriptions of prosperity, prayers to Ghezen. They were perhaps a five minute walk from the Van Eck residence. Inej knew why Kaz had the driver stop here. No one was to see where they were going.

 

            Now, they were home. Kaz and Inej were easily recognizable. Dirtyhands and the Wraith. Captain and Boss.

 

            Lily’s mouth was slightly parted as they exited the coach in the dusky light of the evening. The streetlamps were already on, casting long shadows along the nearest bridge across one of the canals. A gondel slid by, packed with drunken tourists on their way down stream toward the Barrel and it’s promised vices.

 

            “There’s… there’s so many streets. So many lights. So much water.” Lily mumbled, eyes peeling in every direction. Inej turned her head toward the bridge, seeing the staves already lit up for evening business in the distance.

 

            Thank Ghezen they weren’t bringing Lily to the Barrel. Inej still remembered how shocking Ketterdam had been, when Kaz had taken her from the Menagerie. Before then, Inej had only known what she could see from her golden barred window.

 

            To say Inej had been overwhelmed would have been an understatement. Even if she’d been to Os Kervo and other Ravkan cities as a girl, Ketterdam was something else. Not just a city.

 

            Inej remembered thinking Ketterdam a beast, one that could swallow every other city whole, and keep gnawing until all of civilization was crammed between its sharp black teeth.

 

            She hadn’t been far off, all things considered.

 

            Inej nodded, tried her best to give Lily a reassuring smile. She spoke clearly so Lily might read her lips, “You’ve been to Belendt, but never farther?”

 

            “No.” Lily shook her head, making a noise that was somewhere between a laugh and pure discomfort. “I thought Belendt was surely not much different than Ketterdam. I was wrong.”

 

            Inej smiled softly. She didn’t offer her true thought: You have no idea.  

 

            Inej hauled their bags down from the carriage, with Lily’s aid they made quick work of it. Inej overheard Kaz paying the driver, averting any attempts the friendly middle-aged man made at small talk.

 

            Kaz walked back to them, uttering a thanks as Inej passed over his satchel. At Kaz’s signal, they began to walk, keeping mostly to the shadows. Lily said nothing if she noticed his obvious avoidance of other pedestrians.

 

            Inej was not looking forward to hauling their things across town later that night back to the High-Wire, but they needed to get Lily to Jesper and Wylan’s, first. Inej knew they wouldn’t mind Lily taking up a room, it wasn’t as if they’d have been able to send word beforehand.

 

            What Inej did feel guilty for, however, was the questions their friends were sure to have that would remain unanswered. The Ravkan monarchs had made a deal with herself and Kaz, and knowledge of Inej’s destination on the Wraith and the subsequent job was only to be shared with those relevant to it.

 

            Jesper and Wylan had been targeted by Kane De Vries’ men once before. Last year, when Inej had taken a bullet in their home to save Jesper. It felt like another lifetime for how long this corrupt man had evaded Inej and the entire crew of the Wraith.

 

            Vaguely, Inej wondered if Nina might have broken her promise to Zoya. Nina knew everything as she would be on the job, too. Would she have given that information to their closest friends? Nina had been here the entire time herself and Kaz had been gone.

 

            Inej didn’t know. She hoped not. Not out of allegiance to Zoya really, but rather something far more sincere.

 

            It was safer for Jesper and Wylan not to know specifics. If Kane managed to somehow target those Inej loved again, she would lose it. Not to mention that this entire scheme was balancing with pointed toes on eggshells. Inej glanced at Lily.

 

            Lily was the secret weapon, partnered with Emilia’s poison. The crimson haired eggshell.

 

            What on earth would Kaz have done if they’d never gone to Lij? What plan would she be preparing to execute now? Would there even be one?

 

            “Where exactly are we going?” Lily whispered to Inej as they trailed behind Kaz.

 

            “Our friend’s home.” Kaz answered, turning so Lily could read his lips.

 

            “Alright,” Lily muttered, shoving her hands deeper into her coat pockets.

 

            They carved their way through an alley beside a rather foul-smelling canal before finally turning onto the street housing the Van Eck mansion. Up ahead, Inej saw the glint of Wylan’s family crest in the gates, shining amber from the streetlamp above it. A carriage or two passed, but otherwise the road was quiet. Wealthy families resided in this part of town, most of them probably sat down for supper in front of grand marble fireplaces.

 

            Inej suspected that was exactly where Wylan and Jesper would be, and most likely Nina. Inej thought of Khalid and Rahul, who would be home in Ravka by now after the time they’d spent in Wylan’s country house with Alys and Marya. Kaz had given Jesper kruge before they’d left for Lij in order to buy her cousin and friend a cabin on a passenger ship.

 

            Inej didn’t want to think about the fact that she’d never gotten to give them a true goodbye. She didn’t want to think about the fact that they’d never meant to be in Kerch in the first place. That Khalid had almost died because of hers and Kaz’s enemies.

 

            She touched the ring of scar tissue around her neck as they continued down the street in silence, only the click of Kaz’s cane and the always present trickle of water to fill the air.

 

            Crossing a small bridge, they landed squarely outside the gated yard. Kaz plucked a pick from his sleeve and quickly undid the padlock.

 

            Lily looked aghast, confused. Her voice was a furious whisper. “If they are your friends, why are we breaking into their home?”

 

            Kaz sighed heavily, pushing open the gate. “We are breaking into their yard, not their house,” he rasped. Lily sent him an exasperated look, making a show of standing still. Kaz tightened his hand on the top of his cane, clearly resigning. He added, “Do you think they’ll hear a knock from down here?”

 

            “No, but then why do they lock it?”

 

            “Because they are smart men.” Kaz answered ominously, striding forward and leaving Lily to sit with his words. Inej tried to find something reassuring to offer but her words all sounded ridiculous. Things like “Oh, don’t worry. We do this all the time,” or “It’s fine, Kaz didn’t break the lock”. 

 

            As if that last one was what normal people considered the problem with this situation.

 

            “They called off the security we hired for them before we left.” Inej grumbled as she glanced about the yard. Before leaving Ketterdam, after the failed voyage, Kaz and Inej had thought it best that Jesper and Wylan were further protected. Seeing as they’d sunk two of Kane’s ships and the Wraith was harbored in Ketterdam, Inej had made it a point. She grimaced.

 

            “I told you they would, Inej. Jesper and Wylan are perfectly capable.” Kaz quipped as they trudged along the winding front path through pristinely manicured hedges, their limbs already sprouting new growths of greenery. Spring had arrived in Ketterdam.

 

            “I was more concerned about, I don’t know, someone burning their home down while they’re out. But thanks.” Inej snapped back in a lethal whisper, ignoring the slight twitch that appeared in Kaz’s jaw.

 

            “I hope neither of you is saying anything important because I got none of that.” Lily added with a rather annoyed look at each of them.

 

            “We weren’t.” Kaz and Inej responded in unison.

 

            “Your friends actually live here?” Lily said as they reached the bottom of the alabaster stairs that led to the wide mahogany front doors. There was a lantern lit by the door, painting the porch in a supple amber glow. The red head looked up at the massive estate, eyes wide. “This has to be more expensive than the entire town of Lij.”

 

            “Probably.” Kaz muttered unhelpfully, either honestly ignorant of Lily’s dumbstruck expression or, most likely, unwilling to acknowledge it whilst they stood in view of the street.

 

            “Yes, our friends live here.” Inej answered Lily’s question instead.

 

            Kaz limped up the steps and rapped his cane against the door three times. Inej peeked around the stone pillar to her left, she saw light leaking from one of the windows on the far side of the house. Someone was home, it appeared.

 

            Kaz waited a full minute by Inej’s count before he began picking the front door. Lily’s mouth opened and Kaz shot her a glare.

 

            “Now I’m breaking into their house. Yes, they are my friends.” Kaz rasped, hands moving back to the lock. Lily could not formulate a response before Inej heard the little ‘click’ of the mechanism.

 

            “How long?” Kaz asked as he straightened.

 

            “Twenty-one seconds. Not bad for how little practice you’ve had lately.” Inej responded without thinking, not bothering to examine how Lily must see them. Kaz picking locks on fancy houses, and her timing him without his askance.

 

            Kaz pushed the door open, and the marble foyer was before them. The chandelier above was lit dimly, a good sign. Lily stayed close beside them as Kaz dropped his bag unceremoniously to the ground, peeking toward the familiar living room to their left. A fire still burned merrily in the hearth. They had to be home.

 

            Kaz sighed. Without further preamble, he reached his cane out behind him and pushed with force. The heavy door slammed. The chandelier shook. Inej rolled her eyes.

 

            All at once, Jesper was bolting down the grand staircase, guns in hand and lime green shirt buttoned incorrectly. He came to a full stop only when he rounded the bottom banister, clearly not having seen them from the landing.

 

            “For fucks sake, Kaz! You scared the shit out of me in the shower. I want to shoot you!” Jesper bellowed, chest heaving.

 

            In a flash, Lily was standing in front of Kaz, glaring fiercely at Jesper. Her stance was defensive, as menacing as she could possibly make herself.

 

            “You will not shoot him.” Lily said, head tipped up at Jesper’s lumbering frame. “Drop the guns.”

 

            Inej’s eyes flicked to Kaz, entirely startled. Kaz was staring down at Lily’s head in front of him, eyes blown wide.

 

            “I-" Jesper began, halting his words in his tracks. He dropped his precious revolvers, hands held up placatingly. Inej had never seen Jesper drop his guns like that. Never. He flinched at the bang of polished metal on the marble tiling. Inej’s eyes darted to Lily, and now Inej understood why Jesper had stopped speaking, why he’d surrendered so quickly. Lily’s eyes had gone fully white, milky. Dead. Her abilities, Inej realized. She’d been about to stop Jesper with them.

 

            The entire ordeal took only about ten seconds, but it took that entire time for Inej to understand what in the world had just happened.

 

            First, Lily did not know Jesper and had seen Kaz break into this house, despite reassurances. Second, Lily couldn’t hear. She’d not heard Jesper’s relieved tone or the tacked on jovialness of his threat. Jesper hadn’t been smiling, nothing to indicate he wasn’t furious about an intruder in his home. Instead, in Lily’s shoes, a towering stranger had come running at Kaz with guns after they’d broken into his house. She’d only read Jesper’s lips, she’d not had any context.

 

            Lily was protecting Kaz.

 

            She’d done it without a moment of hesitation, putting herself between loaded revolvers and Kaz’s body.

 

            Like a sister would.

 

            Kaz seemed to break free of his shock, nudging around Lily so she could see his face.

 

            “He was joking,” Kaz whispered and signed. “He’s not going to hurt me, he’s my best friend.”

 

            Inej’s eyes met Jesper’s, and he mouthed “what the fuck?”

 

            Inej shook her head, refocusing on Lily. The woman’s pupils were visible once more. It was eerie to watch, uncomfortable.

 

            It was like staring into the ocean and seeing something looking back. It was a curtain peeled away from the line between life and death, predator and prey.

 

            “Lily,” Kaz said her name in both languages, standing just to her side. Her eyes were not quite alive, yet, but Inej could see the blue beginning pool behind the milky white film.

 

            Lily’s eyes backtracked to Jesper, navy now. Jesper took a deep, relieved breath. Inej wouldn’t have wanted to be in his shoes, either.

 

            “Can I pick up my guns now? I think they’re getting all sorts of scratchies.” Jesper pouted at the ground, but he spoke slowly. Enunciated. Jesper had picked up quickly that Lily couldn’t hear, had needed to see Kaz.

 

            “Did he just say ‘scratchies’?” Lily whispered, blinking slowly. Kaz frowned as Jesper darted for his guns on the floor, whispering apologies to his beloved weapons.

 

            “Jesper, Lily. Lily, Jesper.” Kaz intoned, “And yes. Yes, he did.”

 

            A headache bloomed behind Inej’s eyes as she realized the front door was opening behind her. Preparing for Wylan, Inej turned around.  

 

            She had not expected to be nearly knocked to the ground by a white wolf, accompanied by Lily’s shriek.

Notes:

Socials!:

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Come be social w me! <3

SO HOW ARE WE FEELING? WHAT ARE WE EXCITED FOR? (or nervous for?;) )

Chapter 161: Ruby Wrongs

Summary:

A reunion with Ketterdam.

Notes:

CHAPTER 161!!!!!!!

SEASON OPENER!!!!!!

HI GUYS! <3 'TIS I, BACK FROM ANOTHER LONG ABSENCE BUT ONCE AGAIN YOU GET 10K to make up for it <33 I miss you & thank you so much for being so patient with me. I would have loved to have this up sooner for you, but alas life has taken up much of my time so I've tried to post long chapters to make up for my previous frequency of shorter ones. Anyways, THIS CHAPTER. I'M SO EXCITED. Honestly, writing this was just... special, I guess. I love it, and I hope you do too. <3 It's a reunion, certainly. I hope it makes you feel big things, like it did for me. Enjoy, my moons & seas.

Thank you forever. For reading, supporting, keeping me sane. I've missed you like a telescope without starry nights.

If you feel so inclined, I'd love to hear from you in the comments (as always), but specifically because of how special this chapter felt. I can't always get back, but I read every single one. I appreciate the absolute heck out of you guys for motivating me. I love you & can't wait to hear from you <3

"I'll Be Around" by Garret Kato (You can honestly listen to this song at any point, but I listened to it as I wrote the end & it felt a little like magic.)

INEJ

 

            “Good fucking Saints,” Nina shrieked as Inej pushed herself from the wall. Trassel still wagged against her awkwardly braced legs. The wolf came up to her hips, and thus, had basically pinned Inej without a thought.

 

            Inej looked up to see Nina in the doorway of the Van Eck estate, brown hair windswept and cheeks kissed pink. Her jacket was a deep cranberry, fitted around her curving figure. It was not her kefta, the garment too conspicuous for Ketterdam’s hateful streets, but this jacket suited her goddess-like friend just as well. Nina’s bright green eyes scanned Inej from head to wolf-concealed toe.

 

            “The lock on the gate was open.” Nina’s gaze darted to Kaz where he lingered like a shadow in front of Lily. “Saints-damn you, Brekker! I thought someone had broken in!”

 

            “Someone did break in.” Kaz replied, unperturbed by Nina’s scowl. Jesper muffled a laugh under a slight cough.

 

            “You kidnapped Inej for days, telling no one where you went, and now you just break into the house?” Nina bellowed. Inej winced. So, Nina was still mad.

 

            Inej had allowed herself to hope that Nina wouldn’t be as bitter upon their return to Ketterdam. Before they’d left for Lij, her friend had been quite put out. Inej didn’t hold it against her. She and Kaz had not told anyone where they were going to plan the job for the Ravkan monarchs, and Nina had been left here, knowing just what that job was, without anyone to tell about it. To lean on.

 

            A bellows of guilt blew against Inej’s heart.

 

            “He didn’t kidnap me, Nina.” Inej said gently.

 

            “Maybe I should have.” Kaz muttered under his breath. Inej pretended not to hear him.  

 

            Just then, Wylan slipped in behind Nina, canvas bags in his arms bursting with what looked to be groceries. His eyes flicked to Inej and then to Kaz.

 

            “Oh, you’re back.” Wylan groaned as he kicked the front door shut behind him, red curls a disarray. “Remember when you said you’d come back to the carriage to help me?” He threw a scathing look at Nina as he plopped his heavy wares on the ground.

 

            “Darling, we were just… uh,” Jesper trailed off with a confused gesture of his wrist.

 

            One of Wylan’s shopping bags tipped over on the glistening marble tiles. Oranges rolled haphazardly across the foyer, Trassel yipped.

 

            From behind Kaz, Lily immediately dashed toward the ground, plucking up the oranges. The room stilled as she came into view, red hair glowing under the chandelier and pale hands darting in search of the fruit beside the entry table.

 

            Inej saw Kaz stiffen slightly, his throat working on a swallow. Inej only noticed then that Kaz had been standing in front of Lily, a mirror of what she’d just done in the face of Jesper.

 

            Protective, his eyes seemed to shout.

 

            “Your fruit…” Lily mumbled as she began to stand, arms full of citrus. Her eyes were downcast, lashes fluttering. She shifted the oranges around uncomfortably. Her head tilted up, clearly realizing everyone around her remained still now, staring at her. “Seems I’m the only one who deems it polite to aid someone who has dropped something,” she whispered as she knelt and tucked the groceries back into their canvas confinement. She stood, brushing her hands on her trousers. Her cheeks were holly berry red.

 

            Wylan Van Eck, ever the most graceful of them all, spoke before Kaz could fully open his mouth.

 

            “Thank you very much, please pardon my manners. I didn’t see you there,” Wylan said, eyes soft and lips transformed into a welcoming smile. “I’m Wylan Van Eck.”

 

            Lily tilted her head up at Wylan, noticing his proffered hand.

 

            “Can you repeat your name, I don’t think I got it.” Lily said softly, blue eyes narrowing on his lips as Wylan quickly complied. A deep breath rattled the mortician’s posture before she shook Wylan’s waiting hand.

 

            “Lily,” she replied simply but not unkindly. “Wylan.” She repeated, watching to make sure she’d read his name correctly.

 

            “Nice to meet you, Lily.” Wylan beamed again, his merch manners serving to coax a small smile to Lily’s ever-reddening cheeks.

 

            Trassel began nosing Lily’s boots, leaving smudgy prints on the leather as her big white body wagged tentatively.

 

            Inej glanced at Kaz again, his jaw was held firm, shoulders straight. He watched Lily intently, hardly paying attention to Nina’s wide eyes or Jesper’s curious glances.

 

            “Are you druskelle?” Lily whispered, head swiveling toward Nina. Inej watched as the Corpse Witch’s eyes widened from the sight of Lily’s face. Inej remembered seeing Lily Arbor for the first time in Lij. She’d likened her to a Saint, if simply because Lily was as striking as a deity, and equally as memorable. Nina recovered quickly, biting her lip to restrain a laugh at Lily’s question. A laugh that still managed to slip out in a confused little giggle.

 

            “No. Fjerda doesn’t have women druskelle. It pains me to say they’ve not quite managed their misogyny yet. They’re working on it.” Nina paused; brows pinched. “I also refuse to hunt myself, even if I’d enjoy the chase. I’m rather fetching prey, I dare say.” A wink lingered as punctuation.

 

            Lily turned over her shoulder toward Kaz. Inej saw him react immediately, signing a translation when Lily didn’t catch Nina’s lips. She nodded slowly, seeming to decide something right then. It only took a moment before Lily reached down, tentatively holding a freckled hand out to Trassel.

 

            “I’m deaf.” Lily said softly to no one in particular as she waited for the canine’s nose to sniff her out. The wolf stalked close again, offering up an excited little whimper when she decided Lily was no threat. Trassel gave in easily to vigorous neck scratches and Inej saw the gleam of pleasure in Lily’s eyes.

 

            “You speak sign language?” Nina was gaping at Kaz. He shrugged thoughtlessly, ignoring all of their friends’ looks of surprise.

 

            “You never asked.”

 

            “I don’t mean to be rude, but what the hell is going on?” Jesper voiced. Nina snapped her fingers excitedly and pointed at Jesper, her eyes all but screaming: “ah, yes, that!”

 

            Inej caught Lily’s eye as she glanced up from Trassel. She stood and turned around, facing Jesper once more. She’d not seen Jes ask his question.

 

            “I’m sorry I threatened you, Jesper.” Lily said, voice hushed and genuine. Her halo of crimson hair dipped in a shameful bow.

 

            “He deserves it every now and then. I normally threaten him at least once a week, don’t feel bad.” Kaz quipped. Jesper punched him in the shoulder, eyes singing with mischief.

 

            Jesper nodded slowly then, fingers tapping on the revolvers hanging off his hips.

 

            “Why was anyone threatening Jesper?” Wylan piped in; his voice lost in the wake of Jesper’s next question.

 

            The sharpshooter spoke clearly, once he’d caught Lily’s gaze, “What exactly were you going to do to me? Your eyes…”

 

            Kaz cleared his throat. Lily glanced at him, taking in the uneasy shift of his weight on his cane. Inej chewed on the inside of her cheek as Lily ignored him.

 

            The plan had been not to reveal Lily’s abilities to anyone but Zoya and Nina. And not until they boarded the Wraith. That plan had sailed before they had, Inej thought miserably.

 

            Lily turned her face away from Jesper, marveling instead at the grandeur of the room.

 

            “Turn you to ash.” She answered softly, peeking back at Jesper. Her full red lips hinted at a snide smile; truth hidden under a playful demeanor. A muscle ticked in Kaz’s jaw, an ice pick in the pale slope of his face. Anger rippled across his eyes.

 

            Gone was his previous ease, replaced by shrewd observation.

 

            “Ash? Inferni’s eyes don’t do that.” Jesper shuddered, gaze shifting to Inej before veering back to Kaz in askance. Dirtyhands gave him nothing.

 

            Wylan strode toward Jesper and slipped easily under his arm; brows knitted with worry. Inej smiled at them both, wishing for the world that they may have introduced Lily in a more… calm manner. Inej prayed her smile came off as joking. As reassuring. As anything but the treacherous truth- Inej now realized that Lily truly could have done what she claimed.

 

            She’d turned Emilia’s hand skeletal in a matter of seconds, leaving barely enough blood and sinew to hold the bones together. Lily reversed it immediately, of course, but… was there a point of no return? If Lily had gotten ahold of Jesper, would his bones have clattered to the ground under his lime green shirt, still reaching for his guns? Lily couldn’t bring back the dead. She’d said as much. The mortician was no Saint- and neither was Nina.

 

            The two of them instead resided in the ashy veil between Grisha and God. Between Monster and Maiden.

 

            Inej shrunk under Jesper’s heavy gaze. Kaz didn’t look at anyone besides Lily. His eyes tracked her tour of the luxurious foyer.  

 

            “Not that type of ash. Something more organic, if you will.” Lily responded to Jesper before turning away fully, head tilted up to take in the crystal chandelier and the soft velvet wallpaper.

 

            Jesper stilled against Wylan, chin dipped in contemplation. Inej didn’t miss his glance at Kaz once more. Kaz, who remained idle amongst them, more marble than man. His hand was as tight as a vice on the head of his cane.

 

            Nina’s head was quirked, a brow raised. Inej wondered what Nina would think when she learned of Lily’s true abilities. That, maybe, Lily Arbor was… like her. A Grisha with powers unnamed, not yet understood.

 

            Lily had already revealed more than they’d agreed. She’d also ignored Kaz’s clear dissuasion towards her honesty with Jesper.

 

            Nina sniffed her nose primly. She straightened her jacket and tossed her hair over her shoulders before strutting toward Lily. “Nina,” she said, “Since no one else seemed it fitting to offer an introduction. I’m not druskelle, and Trassel here isn’t either. She’s excommunicated and in Grisha-loving recovery.”

 

            Lily glanced at Kaz again for translation before nodding at Nina with flushed cheeks. “I’m sorry, your accent is odd. Your words take the shape of Kerch but there’s something about your lips that makes me think you aren’t native. Kind of like Inej.”

 

            Nina loosed a dazzling smile, green eyes shining as Lily shook her hand. “I speak six languages, but I’m Ravkan in truth.” Nina annunciated clearer this time, intending for Lily to understand more easily.

 

            Lily smiled. “Yes, that’s what I would have guessed.”

 

            “How?” Nina grinned; immediately curious the moment discourse of language entered the room.

 

            “Ravkan is more… swaying, than Kerch. Your lips quiver in Kerch, just slightly. At the corners.” Lily hummed.

 

            “Interesting.” Nina smiled again, green eyes blazing under the glow above them. “I should say that’s simply impressive, being able to discern the shape of an accent with no sound to align it.”

 

            Lily shook her head tersely, “I know nothing else. It’s not an accomplishment, more a tool of survival.”

 

            Nina’s cheeks flushed, “I fear I should have realized that. I’ve always wanted to learn sign language. I wasn’t aware I knew anyone that spoke it.”

 

            Kaz didn’t wince under Nina’s withering glance. He didn’t even bother to shrug, this time. Inej tried once more to catch his eye and failed.

 

            “Right.” Kaz stomped the bottom of his cane into the tile. “Well, now that introductions have been made… Might I have a word, Lily, privately?”

 

            Lily watched him sign his request after turning away from Nina.

 

            “Of course.” Lily mumbled with a nod as Kaz breezed through the living room into the confines of the dining room. Lily didn’t hesitate to follow him. Inej swore she heard the mortician mutter something about no need for privacy when they signed under her breath.

 

            “Who is she?” Nina marveled, voice dripping with wonder.

 

            “I’d like to know the same.” Wylan said coldly, clearly not having forgotten the bit about Jesper being threatened. In response, Jesper placed a kiss to his red curls, squeezed Wylan closer to his side.

 

            Inej’s headache tripled as she rolled her shoulders back and shifted her eyes to each of them.

 

            “Lily is to join my crew, for the upcoming voyage we have planned, Nina.” Inej said, willing her eyes to stay away from the door to the dining room.

 

            Inej watched the light dim in Nina’s green eyes. It happened so quickly that she wished to launch herself at the floor, if only to find that missing sparkle and place it right back in the burning center of Nina’s irises.

 

            “Right. The job.” Nina’s voice hardened.

 

            “The job we still haven’t been told about but is clearly big enough to send Kaz away from the city just to plan it.” Jesper frowned at Inej. Wylan tucked his hands in his pockets and sat down on the staircase, clearly annoyed.

 

            “I’m under orders of the Queen of Ravka.” Nina returned with a snap. Inej sensed this conversation had already been played through countless times whilst she and Kaz had been in Lij.

 

            “And under the order of Captain Ghafa.” Nina glared at her.

 

            “Nina…” Inej sighed.

 

            “No. I was cornered by the fucking queen, Inej, told what nightmare I’m about to endure with you and then you left with Kaz!” Nina retorted in a shout.

 

            “You didn’t bother to include me in your schemes. Or Jesper. Or Wylan. We all just got to sit here waiting for orders. I’m used to Kaz keeping his secrets but not you.”

 

            Inej swallowed against her friend’s anger. Her rightful anger. Nina didn’t understand, and Inej didn’t know how to rectify it.

 

            “I’ve told them nothing, Inej. Nothing. Because Zoya told me I’m liable to face treason charges if word of this voyage gets out. I could be cast out of the second army!” Nina bellowed, pacing angrily now.

 

            “We are still here.” Wylan recounted as Jesper slid down to sit beside him.

 

            “I know.” Inej replied. “It’s better that you know nothing about what I’m going to do.”

 

            “We!” Nina screeched. “We! Don’t they deserve to know WE might not come back?”

 

            Jesper bolted to his feet, fingers tight on the handles of his guns. “What?”

 

            Inej glared at Nina before glancing at Jesper. “We’re coming back.”

 

            “Certainly these are the worst odds I’ve faced, Captain. Zoya and Nikolai are relying on Kaz Brekker and that’s it. On his scheming! Ravka’s future in the hands of a Kerch Barrel Boss!”

 

            “Kaz succeeds. We’re here as proof.” Inej replied calmly.

 

            “Not all of us.” Nina replied with a lethal edge.

 

            It was then that Inej saw Kaz standing behind Nina in the living room, a too-still black shadow.

 

            Matthias Helvar had likened Kaz to a demon. A demjin. A word that conjured a creature of fire. Snarling teeth, dripping claws, and ugly hearts.

 

            Inej wondered what Matthias might think to look upon Kaz as he stood now. Human. Nothing but a frozen man, wreathed by firelight that could not warm him. Pierced with doubt he didn’t deserve.

 

           

LILY

 

            “Don’t walk away from me!” Lily shouted after Kaz as she followed him into the living room. They’d argued. Again.

 

            Only, she almost ran into his back. He’d stopped walking. Lily’s cheeks were flush with anger but when she stepped around him, everything stopped.

 

            Kaz’s face was frozen, eyes widened in surprise. He looked as if he’d been well and truly slapped. His dark lashes fluttered in a slow blink.

 

            Someone was talking, Lily could see Kaz’s eyes move from one person to another but she stood resolutely in front of him. She faced him like a shield.

 

            “What happened?” Lily signed.

 

            Kaz’s black eyes flickered down to her. His shoulders shivered almost imperceptibly. His pupils widened, as if shocked to still be standing.

 

            Then the girl, Nina, was beside her. She was saying something to Kaz. He stared at Lily instead. He was ignoring the other woman. Lily saw a flicker in his eyes, an almost-wince in the delicate muscles around his brow. He swallowed tightly.

 

            “I need to leave. I have business to attend.” Kaz said. Lily read his lips without problem, though she had no idea if the words were for her or everyone else.

 

            Nina tried to reach out to him. To touch his shoulder, as if to… comfort? Lily didn’t know. It didn’t matter.

 

            Lily blocked Nina’s hand with her own body. Something was wrong. Something was wrong with Kaz.

 

            “Don’t touch him.” Lily whispered. She didn’t bother to look at the other woman’s face. Didn’t bother to care if she was rude or forceful. She only knew Kaz didn’t seem to enjoy being touched unexpectedly, she’d seen it in Lij. Her instincts told her he wouldn’t want to be touched.

 

            Kaz was already halfway across the room. Lily charged after him.

 

            “Don’t leave without me!” Lily called as she gathered her bag from the ground beside the door. She was already prepared to drop their fight, ready to flee this opulent palace at his side. Something was wrong, but Lily hadn’t seen what was said. Had Kaz received bad news? Is that why he was leaving his friends so quickly?

 

            The room quivered with the kind of energy that came from speaking. Lily didn’t need to know what they were saying, Kaz wanted to leave. Surely, he would at least allow her to accompany him until they could finish their conversation. He’d see reason, understand she didn’t want to stay in a castle full of strangers.  

 

            Yet, as Lily made for the door after him, Kaz swiveled to face her. His eerily familiar features were painted with fury.

 

            “I already told you that you aren’t leaving this house.” He signed furiously. Clumsy with his cane notched over his wrist. Gone was the pained expression he’d worn moments ago. It had been replaced with something else, something more opaque. A mask meant to conceal.

 

            Lily didn’t back down. He didn’t have the right, regardless of whatever had just transpired between him and his supposed friends.

 

            “I go where you go. I agreed to come with you and Inej. Not strangers.”

 

            “No.” Kaz said. She thought he might have raised his voice, based on the muscles in his throat.

 

            “Then I’m out.” Lily said aloud.

 

            “You would forsake Inej and innocents for a tantrum?” Kaz replied, stepping closer to her. His lips hovered in a sneer. Lily knew that Jesper was saying something from the corner of her eye. The others were talking but Lily had forsaken her usual decorum and care for propriety.

 

            Fury had awoken in Lily’s chest, pure and unrestrained. How dare he? Kaz had not told her she’d not stay under the same roof as him and Inej in Ketterdam. He’d not told her he’d send her off to these people she’d never met. Like some pawn on a chessboard, sacrificed for his comfort.

 

            To think, she’d wanted to do nothing but protect him since entering this house. Since forever.

 

            Lily stepped right up to him, shorter but equal in her venom.

 

            “You’d forsake my security for your own comfort? When all I’ve done is aid you?” She signed and whispered.

 

            Kaz glared down at her, black eyes swirling with malice.

 

            “You don’t understand.” Kaz seethed as he shook his head, already preparing to abandon her here. His hands rifled through his hair, bag swaying at his side. He still watched her speak even as he leaned toward the door.

 

            “You’re wrong, Kaz. I understand perfectly. It’s not as if you’ve never withheld my peace for your own. It’s not as if you have never refused me knowledge I deserved. Left me to despair in the night. The difference between us, small brother, is I grew comfortable out in your silent dark. You’re still running from it.” Lily whispered calmly, mirroring every angry sign her limbs made. She’d had to drag Jordie’s death out of him, had to beg for that decency. She wanted to scream.   

 

            His jaw tightened, his pulse visible in the strain of his neck. Lily didn’t think she imagined the shake in his stance. He looked at her only once more, eyes harder than she’d ever seen. He jerked away from her without another word. The door hung open in his wake, swaying on its hinges.

 

            Kaz stalked resolutely into the shrouding veil of night without a backwards glance.

 

            She watched him go. A spring-tempered cold swept Lily’s cheeks, drowning out the anger that had surely painted them red. In the span of a moment, she’d condemned him yet again for mistakes he’d made so long ago. Mistakes she was already forgiving. She’d balled her fists, now loosening in fits and starts. Her joints hurt. Her chest began to ache.  

 

            Only this afternoon, she’d found strength enough to tell Kaz the truth, if only in its barest form- she’d missed him. She’d been glad to see him.

 

            The feral version of that truth was what she thought of now. The moment she’d seen him in Lij, hale and healthy, Lily’s spirit had been eclipsed with such fierce joy that she’d staggered where she stood. The relief had been incomprehensible. Like flying or falling or hearing.

 

            Lily hadn’t shown him that, when they’d finally spoke at the stream that bordered the Rietveld property. She’d hidden those feelings behind her very real anger. It hadn’t been a conscious decision, but rather like a shield thrown in front of herself. A defensive instinct that kicked in when she heard the depression of a landmine underfoot.

 

            He’ll leave again. You won’t see him again. You’ll hurt again.

 

            The door groaned, ajar and ever empty.

 

            The night air tasted like ghosts on her lips. Words carried more soul than flesh ever could, and those she’d just said, Lily could never take back. She could never bury them. Much like the dead, words could linger in the darkest corners of one’s mind, just waiting for a chance to haunt.

 

            Lily knew this better than most. “I’ll write you, hellvane. I’ll write you poems so awful every other suitor will be scared away when you smile at them. You won’t even have time to miss us. Kaz will make us visit the moment I have enough kruge.” Jordan’s words lingered on her tongue, partnered with the specter of a kiss deeper than any other they’d shared. She missed the way his red lips had formed his bestowed nickname. Hellvane, ‘hellfire’ in old Kerch.

 

            Jordan Rietveld had called her his hellfire. Once, a thirteen-year-old Lily had grown the courage to ask why, after two straight years of him doing it. She’d expected a cliché, her hair was deep red after all. Jordie surprised her, as he always did.

 

            “Because you keep me warm. Because you leave sparks everywhere you go. Because I think I’m too young to say I’d burn for you, but I wanted to tell you anyways.” Jordie had mumbled, signs broken by the nervous shake of his fingers.

 

            Did the death-touched even remember how to burn? Had Lily given up her hellfire when she’d frozen at the borders of death, one hand outstretched?

 

            Dead girls haunted. Hellfire women burned. Lily had been too cold to reach Kaz.

 

            Deep in the wounded pits of her mind, Lily wondered where Jordie’s spirit was now.

 

            She hoped he’d gone with Kaz. She didn’t deserve Jordan’s silver heart around her neck, right now. She palmed it, anyway, seeking the comfort it always brought. The silver felt angry in her hand, a heart ravaged by two living ghosts.

 

            She shouldn’t have said that.

 

            Lily hadn’t meant to haunt Kaz Rietveld. She’d meant to care for him as his brother would have.

 

            She’d only meant to keep him warm. She’d meant to love him again, her small brother.

 

             

 

 

 

INEJ

 

            “I shouldn’t have said that.” Lily whispered at the empty door.

 

            Inej was already gathering her bag from the ground. Nothing of what just happened should have happened. Wylan was trying to talk to Nina in the living room. Nina whose cheeks were streaked with tears. Inej didn’t know if they were from anger, frustration, or guilt.

 

            She’d spoken in fear, Inej knew. Inej also knew that Nina had never once truly blamed Kaz for Matthias’ death. It hadn’t been his fault. It had never been his fault. It didn’t excuse what Nina had said, even in anger or fear. A druskelle had killed Matthias, not Kaz’s scheme.

 

            Not Kaz.

 

            Kaz had never meant to hurt Lily, either. The woman simply didn’t know the truth of what Kaz had endured. Of what he’d done to survive in the wake of Jordie’s death. Inej had only caught part of what had transpired, but she knew Lily had blocked Nina from Kaz when she’d attempted a sputtered apology. She knew that Kaz had ordered Lily to stay here.

 

            Inej had also heard Lily’s parting words to him. Frustration rippled at the corners of Inej’s nerves. Her knives were a temptation in this house at present.

 

            Kaz didn’t deserve this.

 

            Inej’s lungs ached with a restrained scream. The way Kaz had looked at her over Lily’s shoulder…

 

            Inej didn’t think she’d ever seen his eyes that helpless. His eyes had been the color of poor sleep, red and black interrupting one another over and over.

 

            “I have to find him.” Inej said to no one in particular. Kaz hadn’t given her a goodbye, not unusual, but he had looked at her before leaving. She’d seen his askance for patience in his eyes, his half-concealed shock at his own pain. It hurt to think of. Kaz without his pride was a crow without wings.

 

            “No.” Jesper said suddenly.

 

            Inej turned slowly on her heels.

 

            Jesper was already shrugging on a deep navy coat from the entry closet.

 

            “I’m going to find him.” Jesper said, his tone more commanding than Inej had ever heard. “And everyone else is going to calm the fuck down. Break into the wine for all I care, just pour one out for me.”

 

            All at once, Inej realized Jesper sounded like Colm. Like his father.

 

            Inej inhaled a shaky breath. She heard Wylan’s soft voice and Nina’s sniffles as they sat upon the sofa beside the hearth. Lily Arbor was as still as a crypt guard, holding vigil at the door.

 

            “I don’t know what’s going on, Inej. I know you’re going after Kane De Vries- and believe me- that fucker deserves more than death. I know the Ravkan monarchy has vested interest in seeing him demolished, too. I don’t know why, but I know they have forbidden you, Nina, and Kaz from offering that information. I don’t know where you’re sailing. I don’t know who this girl is or why she knows but Wylan and I do not…” Jesper paused, brows pulled together and a sigh lingering on his lips.

 

            “But… I trust you. I trust Neens. I trust my brother.”

 

            Inej’s eyes flicked up to his face. Inej remembered what Kaz had told her in Lij. That he’d shared his life, all of his story, with Jesper. Now, Jesper openly called Kaz his brother. Jesper called Kaz his brother with the ease of a man who might have done it his entire life.

 

            Something had changed. Something so grand she’d not been able to see it with her eyes, but now felt so beautifully in her heart. Kaz had Jesper. Kaz still had a brother, standing here in front of her.

 

            Hushing his voice, Jesper stepped closer to her. “I know where you went to plan the voyage. Kaz stuck the address in my pocket before you left- in case of emergency. I think maybe this time… maybe he needs me, Inej. He trusted me enough with that, and with the Dregs and the Club. I helped Anika, though she didn’t want it. Maybe Kaz needs to remember he has a brother above the waves, too. Someone to lean on that’s ready to pummel him to bits if he lets his self-pity win out. Someone to remind him that Nina still aches, just like him.” He paused, clicking his tongue in thought.

 

            With half a grin, Jesper continued. “We both know you can take Kaz in a knife fight, ‘Nej, but only one of us has fought him fist to fist. And he didn’t use his cane.”

 

            Inej looked up into Jesper’s silver eyes. There, she’d always found comfort. Kaz Brekker was the first and only man to have Inej’s heart- but Jesper Fahey had been her first dance.

 

            Jesper Fahey had been the first person she’d hugged without flinching. That trust made itself clear once more, for she knew he was right. Jesper had something different with Kaz than anyone else, a different understanding. Jesper could mirror Kaz’s invertedness in a way that made him… open up.

 

            Now, Inej stepped forward and wrapped her arms around her beloved sharpshooter. She was so small in comparison, but she’d never felt taller than when she found herself bolstered by Jesper’s unconditional friendship. His long arms gathered her close and she inhaled the scent of lemon oil she knew he always dabbed on his neck, the clinging note of gunpowder he could never fully remove from his clothes.

 

            “I love you, Wraith.” Jesper muttered above her. “You know that don’t you?”

 

            Inej nodded tightly against him. “I love you too, Jes.”

 

            “Good. Kaz didn’t ask, but you and the newbie are welcome to stay. I assume that’s what he meant by telling her to stay here.” Inej knew he meant Lily.

 

            Inej pulled away from him, offering only a tired smile in thanks. “Jes, he’s nervous about me leaving. You know how Kaz gets when things feel out of control. He’s been away from his city a tad too long, I think.”

 

            “That’s the kindest way you could have told me he’ll seek out the most violent chores on his to-do list first.” Jesper grinned. “Good thing I don’t care if this shirt gets stained AND I have more patience than one of your Saints.” Inej startled herself by laughing.

 

            Jesper glanced over his shoulder, drawing Inej’s eye with him. Lily was still staring out the grand doorway. She looked as if she were waiting for Kaz to come back. Jesper frowned at the sight. Inej could almost hear Jesper’s thoughts spewing like gunshots, trying to shoot targets blind, all in hopes of understanding.

 

            Inej’s heart thumped in her chest as she realized that Lily had no reason to doubt that hope, that Kaz would come for her. Lily didn’t know Brekker. She knew Rietveld. The mortician didn’t know that Kaz could hold a grudge like a life line. He wasn’t coming back until he was either persuaded to do so, or he found it in his best interest. The first was more likely to happen, at least in any modicum of a timely fashion.

 

            “Who is she, really?” Jesper whispered even though Lily was not looking at them, perhaps had no interest in seeing him speak even if she had been.

 

            “That’s not mine to share. I didn’t lie, though. She is joining me for the voyage.” Inej replied sadly.

 

            “She threw herself in front of Kaz. It was so fast.” Jesper stated, not in question, but rather a strange sort of awe.

 

            Inej looked at the back of Lily’s head. She sighed.

 

            “A family trait, I suppose.” Inej whispered. It was all she could give. Jesper’s eyes widened, his hand fluttered to his side absently- right to the spot where Inej knew a knife had been lodged only weeks ago aboard the Wraith.

 

            Kaz had dove into a burning sea to save Jesper, that night. A sea of Kaz’s worst nightmares- drowning brothers and corpses ready to be set alight.

 

            “Then she stays.” Jesper nodded, loping away to press a kiss to Wylan’s distracted head. Inej heard him tell Nina and his fiancé that he was going to see Kaz. Nina’s head was dipped, face drawn in the dancing light.

 

            “Tell him I’m sorry.” Nina said softly, eyes on her lap. “Kaz is a ruthless bastard, but I suspect I just sent him to war with himself. I didn’t mean… Saints, he has to know I didn’t mean it like that.”

 

            Inej turned away. She was still angry with Nina, and the feeling sat wrong on Inej’s ever-forgiving heart. Still, she caught Jesper’s response.

 

            “You’ll apologize yourself, Neens. I can’t do it for you. I won’t.”

 

            Inej strode to Lily, instead. She touched the other girl’s shoulder lightly, only to grab her attention.

 

            “Jesper is going to go talk to him.” Inej said, making sure to annunciate.

 

            “I should go. But I don’t know where to look. I never have.”

 

            A fissure crept along her heart as Inej realized the real meaning of the words. Lily had wondered after Kaz for a decade, trapped in the dark. Looking for a ripple of light in the black.

 

            Inej had never been more grateful to be a sea in Kaz’s eyes. Mera nadra, he called her. She’d always been able to find her moon, for he reflected upon her so brilliantly. She’d always been able to find him, and he her.

 

            “I’m sorry, Lily. I thought… truly, I thought he’d told you that you’d be staying here in Jesper and Wylan’s home. Or I would have told you myself. I also wonder if he’d not thought it of consequence, which excuses nothing, but to him… His mind is constantly in motion. Kaz may not have thought it a notion of importance.”

 

            Lily shook her head. “I know how I must look. I’m older than all of you and I let my temper show like a child. I never meant… I’ll help you, no matter where I stay. I didn’t mean it. I believe in your cause, Captain Ghafa.” Lily paused, jaw tensing. Inej felt more words lingering behind her rouged lips.

 

            “I’m afraid. That’s all. I don’t… I know none of these people, as fine as they most assuredly are… they aren’t Kaz. Last time I watched him walk away, I didn’t see him again. I didn’t see either of them again. I wanted to be here, not just to help you on your voyage, but I thought maybe…”

 

            “You could have more time.” Inej finished for her. She admired the woman beside her. Saints, how rare it was to find those brave enough to admit their fear in the same breath as their error.

 

            Lily nodded. Reluctantly, Inej watched Jesper leave, finally pulling the door shut with him. He gave them both a nod on his way out.

 

            Inej heard Wylan step into the foyer, suggesting food and ensuring Inej that her room was still prepared upstairs, should she or Lily desire it.

 

            Inej glanced at him, tearing through her thoughts. She needed to chart a way through this tumultuous night. As with any storm at sea, a map could change. Inej just needed to find the right course. She wished she could just use her compass, though she knew undoubtedly what direction she craved.

 

            The sixth floor of the High-Wire, the ridiculous bathtub and her expensive soap. One of Kaz’s worn-in button downs would be a nice touch, too. Even better if she could smuggle the man himself into the equation. She just wanted to go home for the night. Feed her birds and dwell in her own mind. Their home.

 

            “I missed you, ‘Nej. I didn’t get the chance to say it… before.” said Wylan as he rolled his shirt sleeves, gesturing hopelessly around them. Inej noticed a stray streak of charcoal along his wrist, a pencil sticking out of his pocket haphazardly. Fond memories tugged at Inej, of times on ships destined for ice prisons. She’d missed him, too. Before she could say as much, Wylan continued.

 

            “We aren’t used to being a crew divided, even if it’s been a long while.” Wylan mumbled, eyes peeking over his shoulder toward the living room. To Nina’s silhouette upon the sofa. Her back was to them now, body turned to face the warmth of the chattering fire. Trassel curled against her mistress’s legs on the floor.

 

            Inej was struck by the difference of blues in Lily and Wylan’s eyes. One was of the deep sea, the other the open sky.

 

            Somehow, Inej thought, she’d managed to collect every color of importance in her chosen family’s eyes. Nina’s forest green. Jesper’s blazing silver. Wylan’s sky-high blues. Kaz’s smoke-choked black. Until the sun touched him. In sunlight, Kaz Brekker’s eyes held the riches of the Saints. Gold flecks backed by the kind of darkness that only existed in the space between stars. The color of magic.

 

            Lily’s addition was the navy of deep seas, a place of both enigma and fear.

 

            Matthias Helvar’s ice strewn gaze still froze them all, a cold so potent it could cross time and space through the pinprick of memory. Inej Ghafa welcomed every shiver like an embrace.  

 

            Papa’s voice echoed in Inej’s ears, unbidden and sudden. Once, she’d confessed to being jealous of blue eyes. She’d been a girl of no more than ten, still unsure of herself and just beginning to stumble through the confidence-shaking gates of adolescence.

 

            Be harsh, mera tarre. Be the steady ground under kind feet and the rockslide to cruel stompers. The Saints did not give the Suli the eyes of the sky because they knew that we’d need to remember the earth when we climbed too high. Instead, they gave us lenses of the soil, so we’d always be able to guide those worthy to the best footholds; all so that they too, might join us above.

 

            Inej’s brown eyes had felt like a gift, then. She was earth amongst them.

 

            Perhaps she could still hold them all together.

 

 

JESPER

 

            Warm fog crept in plumes amongst the docks of fifth harbor. Silver tufts of clouds gathered near the crescent moon, visible now only because the factories had ceased burning coal for the day. It was a night meant for a walk.

 

            Jesper hummed a song as his shoes clicked the cobblestones, his coat already too warm for the spring air. He ambled along east stave, guns visible. Today was not the day for petty thieves to strike this barrel rat dressed as a merch. Staadwatch guards smoked hand-rolled cigarettes outside of various restaurants, eyeing already drunk tourists with barely restrained boredom.

 

            Jesper pitied these men, if only because it was so much more fun to be stationed near the Barrel. At least, he had to imagine it would be. These dull tourists were the upper crusts, the ones unfamiliar with the true nest of vice in Ketterdam. The ones yet to be poached by Dregs or Razorgulls, Black Tips or Liddies. The ones without a shepherd to steer them like sacrificial lambs through the haze that separated the city from the Barrel.

 

            Pity the Dime Lions had fallen, Jesper thought with a smirk as he passed one of their previously owned taverns.

 

            These people were first time tourists, most likely. Jesper spotted a Shu couple huddled around a boy no older than twelve as he excitedly boasted how he’d won the ridiculously fat ruby broach on his tweed jacket. Seemingly, at three-man bramble. The dealer at the Crow Club was practically paying out, apparently. Jesper snorted.

 

            The boy’s name was Cristof. Jesper knew Rotty had recruited him into the Dregs only a month or two ago, and the youngling had a striking talent for luring in fresh blood for the tables at the Crow Club. Jesper wondered if the boy had even made it to Kaz’s radar yet, or if Rotty had bothered to present him to the infamous leader. Kaz had been gone so much recently that it was hard to discern.

 

            Jesper spared the boy a wink as he marched past, and to the kid’s credit, he didn’t even skip a beat with the pigeons. Jesper smiled as he turned the corner, only now, he heard a woman up ahead complaining to her husband that her ruby broach was missing. Little did she know, it was right down the block.

 

            Jesper paused, laughing under his breath. Had the boy inherited Kaz’s talent? He walked on, hoping Cristof ran fast if the rich woman alerted the Staadwatch. Not that they ran very fast at all. Jesper had evaded the city guard enough times with Kaz to know.

 

            Crossing one more bridge, Jesper avoided puddles of grime from the afternoon rain. The Barrel’s stench was bitter and hot but tasted like fondness on Jesper’s tongue anyways. The Crow Club stood like a beacon at the end of the street, all glitz and glamor that screamed forbidden. A line twined lazily down the sidewalk; some patrons already drunk from their earlier stops.

 

            Jesper paused, glancing at the Club and then down the road that would lead him to the High-Wire. There was a good chance Kaz had gone to the Slat, too. He’d be on the hunt for work, and the person who could fill him in on what he’d missed. Anika.

 

            Jesper didn’t envy her. If Kaz got his hands on the lieutenant, she’d quickly find out he was in a mood.

 

            Jesper slid his eyes to the doors of the Club. Luck was on Jesper’s side, tonight. It always seemed that way, ever since he’d stopped asking Mistress Fortune to sit at gaming tables and waste away with him.

 

            Pim was stationed at the entrance. Jesper saw his broad shoulders from a block away, and if anyone knew where he might find Anika, it was Pim Bos.

 

            Sidling up, Jesper ignored the protests of pigeons that he’d jumped the line.

 

            “Pim!” Jesper called out.

 

            “Aye!” Pim replied with an easy grin, gray eyes wide in surprise. The Dreg ran his hand over his short blonde beard as he sent a nod to Jamison, his partner on the doors. Pim stepped away to greet Jesper, brows pinched.

 

            “You know I can’t let you on the floor of the club, right?” Pim gave a sheepish grin. Jesper winced, but he truly didn’t mind. Pim was looking out for him. It was always better to keep temptation away and out of sight. Jesper didn’t feel like a relapse was possible after two years, but he knew he wasn’t ready to test it. His gambling addiction was something he did not miss.

 

            Or rather, he missed it all the time. He missed it with green and rose-colored glasses. One for greed, the other for fevered sickness.

 

            Good riddance, Jesper thought. Those colors clashed against his gorgeous complexion.

 

            “I know.” Jesper gave Pim a firm pat on the shoulder. “Kaz would kill me, blah, blah, blah. Speaking of our devilish patriarch, did he come in?”

 

            Pim’s mouth dropped open in surprise as they walked a few paces from the doors into the privacy of the alley. “He’s back? Oh, thank fuck.”

 

            “I’ll take that as a ‘no’,” Jesper sighed. “Where’s Anika?”

 

            Pim’s mouth flattened instantly. “High-Wire. She was here earlier to see about a dealer she thinks’ been skimming- which he fucking is, but not since then. I suspect she’s in Kaz’s office. Is something wrong?”

 

            “No. Nothing’s wrong,” Jesper shook his head and brandished an easy grin. “Kaz just got back and there’s a lot to go over.”

 

            “Yeah. Won’t want to be around when he hears about the Black Tips squawking for our territory.” Pim frowned. “Or that they pulled a cop while he was gone.”

 

            Jesper sighed. Yes, there was that. There was also an Inej-height stack of paperwork for the Club that Jesper did need to go over with Kaz. Then there was the random girl in his house that Kaz and Inej had brought back. Then there was Inej leaving on some voyage that seemed to have shaken everything Jesper had come to expect as normal.

 

            Round and round the list went, a tedious spiral of concerns stamped ‘urgent!’.

 

            “Thanks, man. Any luck on the blonde lieutenant front?” Jesper hedged as Pim crossed his arms and leaned back against the alley wall. It was as obvious as daylight how Pim felt about Anika, it had been since forever.

 

            “No.” Pim glowered. Jesper didn’t get it. All Anika and Pim ever did was stare at each other when the other wasn’t looking. Come to think of it…

 

            “You know, I happen to know of a situation just like yours. Or was. Granted I doubt you can get any advice.” Jesper chuckled. Pim’s brow peaked, curious.

 

            “Kaz and Inej.” Jesper replied. Pim rolled his eyes.

 

            “I hope I’m the Wraith in this comparison.”

 

            “You most certainly are.” Jesper laughed as he turned away. “You’re too nice to be Kaz.”

 

            Over his shoulder, Jesper called out one more time. “Just ask Kaz what made him swoon.”

 

            Pim’s reply was a strangled laugh as he resumed his post.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            The High-Wire was toasty as Jesper meandered up the grand staircase toward the third floor. The lobby of the Dregs’ new homebase was abandoned save for Arman sprawled across a chaise lounge, a Suli silk cushion plopped on his lap as he read an anatomy textbook.

 

            “Kaz is home.” Arman called to Jesper as he reached the first landing. Jesper sighed. He offered the Dregs’ in-house healer a nod but didn’t stop.

 

            Glass wall sconces threw copper puddles of light across the dark wood floor as Jesper turned from the landing and made his way down the wide hallway to Kaz’s office. It still boggled Jesper’s mind to walk here, thinking of nights perched in front of Kaz’s ‘desk’ in the Slat. A door atop empty apple crates. Now, the Dregs were equipped with apartments and all the basic human trappings they’d once longed for. It was all thanks to Kaz. Jesper, having spent the majority of the past weeks stopping by to pluck up the numbers for the Crow Club, knew that the gang was as fiercely loyal to Kaz as ever.

 

            They knew the hand that fed them. Paid them.

 

            Jesper winced as the double-doors to Kaz’s office split open, the Crow etched into the center now split in a ghastly puzzle of wings. The heavy mahogany didn’t make a noise as Anika scurried out, her face burning red. She quickly pulled the handles back into place.

 

            She saw Jesper coming and immediately shook her head, silently flinging her ringed fingers in a shooing motion. Jesper stopped, head tilted as Kaz’s lieutenant approached him.

 

            “He’s back and he’s pissed.” Anika whispered as she breezed up, her leather coat fluttering. “He didn’t even want my full report right now. He always wants a full report if he’s been gone for a stretch. Weeks and he doesn’t? Something’s up.”

 

            Jesper huffed, resisting the urge to laugh in resignation. Anika ran a hand over the shaved side of her head, coal dusted eyes narrowed over her shoulder at the office doors.

 

            “The Wraith didn’t come back with him,” Anika observed, green eyes darting back to Jesper with renewed scrutiny. “She okay?”

 

            “Inej is fine. She’s at our house. Did he mention leaving any time soon?”

 

            Anika pursed her lips, her shoulders lifting in a sigh. “No. I don’t know what he’s planning. I have about a thousand things to go over with him.”

 

            “I’ll talk to him. Get that report ready, Anika.”

 

            Anika raised her brows at him. “You know, you kind of sound like you’re ordering me, Merchant Fahey.”

 

            Jesper groaned, “No, I just know he’s going to want your full attention when he’s… settled back in.”

 

            “I already have it planned, dumbass.” Anika loosed a rare smile. “Believe it or not, I was worried when he didn’t want it. He also threatened me though, so I suppose that’s a point in the ‘Kaz hasn’t lost his mind’ category.”

 

            Jesper heaved a relieved breath, bracing himself for a Brekker-brand storm.

 

            “It’s personal stuff that has him riled, then?” Anika pressed, giving their surroundings a glance to make sure no one was around to hear.

 

            “Yes. Something like that.” Jesper muttered as he straightened the lapels of his coat. “If Kaz murders me, can you ask Wylan to scatter my ashes on the fourth table from the right in the Club? I’m not a gambler anymore but I think riding my lucky Maker’s Wheel for an eternity sounds like a hoot.”

 

            Anika touched his arm with false sorrow, “I can’t Jesper. Everyone will lose. The pigeons will never peck.”

 

            Jesper shook her off with a false glare as she cackled her way down the hall, disappearing around the landing to the staircase.

 

            Jesper knocked once on the office doors, but Kaz gave no answer.

 

            Jesper took that as good enough.

 

            Kaz’s office was a thing of beauty, with dark polished floors and charcoal walls dotted with amber sconces. The meeting table to the left was bordered by red crushed velvet armchairs. A black carpet stretched beneath it, studded with silk like tassels. A bar cabinet was nudged into the alcove beside the table, all glass and shimmering vice. The bottles seemed to return Jesper’s longing gaze.

 

            Jesper nudged his eyes to the great ash wood desk that laid in front of the looming window. In daylight, Jesper knew berth twenty-two was visible in fifth harbor, all the better to admire the dreaded beauty of The Wraith. Kaz’s desk was piled with papers and missives, one stack clearly straightened by Anika and weighted with a polished onyx stone. Jesper remembered the job in which Kaz had acquired it, several years back. The gem was said to be pure black marble, dug from the ground in Ravka under the previous borders of The Unsea. Jesper also knew Kaz didn’t believe that, he’d just not been able to sell it with the other art they’d stolen.

 

            Jesper cleared his throat as he walked up to the desk. Two soft chairs sat in front of it, deceptively inviting as Kaz rarely allowed anyone to loiter while he worked. Unless you were Inej Ghafa. Or, occasionally, Jesper Fahey.

 

 

            The boss’ chair was faced toward the window, a wing back with proper lumbar support made to exactly Kaz’s specifications. Imposing, Jesper thought the thing more a throne than a piece of office furniture. He liked it immensely.

 

            Only when Jesper still did not receive a reaction did he walk around. The room was empty, Kaz wasn’t in his chair as he’d thought. Kaz had not left after Anika, Jesper would have seen him in the hall.

 

            Just when Jesper was thoroughly confused, did he remember the escape stairwell built to hide behind the large painting on the far wall beyond the desk.

 

            The painting pushed out before Jesper had a chance to silence his girlish shriek.

 

            Kaz stood there in a fresh black suit, eyes widened by the noise. The false cane Jesper presumed Kaz had used outside of the city was now replaced with his infamous weapon, the sparkling silver of the crow’s beak peeked ominously from under Kaz’s gloved hand.

 

            “If I’d known you were capable of such a noise, I never would have let you join the Dregs.” Kaz rasped as he pushed the hidden door closed.

 

            “You walked out of a painting that I forgot was a door!”

 

            “Hardly my problem.” Kaz rounded the desk, leaning his cane against the side. “What do you want, Jesper?”

 

            Jesper plopped himself down into a chair opposite Kaz, tapping a finger against his jaw. “I could go for a glass of scotch, a plate of steak from Larice’s bistro, and I don’t know, maybe a bit of conversation with you.”

 

            Kaz glared from under dark lashes, sifting through the various sheafs of papers.

 

            “Go get the first two. The last one is declined.”

 

            “Don’t pull this with me, Kaz.” Jesper crossed one leg over the other. Fucking short people chairs.

 

            “She shouldn’t have said what she said.” Jesper continued, watching Kaz’s face. As usual, the other man gave nothing away.

 

            “Which one?” Kaz mumbled, already beginning to uncap a pot of black ink.

 

            Jesper reclined in his chair, confused. He’d not heard what Lily had said to Kaz, but he knew that they too had fought. He almost pitied Kaz then; two angry women. At least this time it wasn’t Inej with her knives.

 

            “Who’s the mysterious woman you pushed on myself and Wylan?” Jesper changed tactics. “She looked like a Ghezen damned nightmare when she thought I was going to shoot you. Inej even seemed surprised, but not jealous. That tells me something, but I don’t know what.”

 

            “Don’t get me wrong, I love redheads, but one is quite enough for me, and I love him very much.” Jesper added, hoping to find even a hint of mirth in Kaz’s eyes.

 

 

            “Go contemplate it over steak and scotch.” Kaz returned as he leaned to file a page in his desk drawer.

 

            “I’m going to threaten you now, aranhi, and I need you to remember I do this for your own good.” Jesper stretched, linking his hands behind his head with a grin.

 

            Kaz paused, only for a moment, but Jesper saw it.

 

            “You can’t threaten me.” Kaz replied.

 

            “I can.” Jesper beamed, falsely bright. “You don’t think I could convince Inej to stay with us, tonight?”

 

            Kaz stopped, dropping a page to the desk. Jesper grinned wider.

 

            “Inej will go where she wills.” Kaz shook his head, already picking up the sheet. “If she wishes to stay at your home tonight amongst friends, I cannot blame her.”

 

            “Oof. I can hear your mental tantrum from here.” Jesper replied. “Inej would be proud of that answer, but she’d see through it as much as I do. If it were Wylan planning to leave for several months- dangerous months I might add, he wouldn’t be able to shake me out of his bed if he tried.”

 

            Kaz’s jaw ticked as he dipped his pen in the ink, he dropped his signature to the bottom of a missive.

 

            “I’m not you.” Kaz rasped.

 

            “Nope. You’re worse. You’re already considering if Inej would choose not to come home tonight when everything is a hellscape back at the house. You are already wondering if you should humor me because you, my friend, look like a man who’s halfway to withdrawal.”

 

            “You think we weren’t working while we were away?” Kaz growled, his pen forgotten and leaking ink on a page.

 

            Jesper threw his hands up in surrender, chuckling. “No, I think you are pissed off and terrified and I certainly think you must have made time to enjoy Inej’s company in the countryside.” He winked.

 

            Kaz rolled his eyes. “I don’t know what you’re getting at.”

 

            “There’s a love bite on your neck.” Jesper made a show of squinting from his reclined position.

 

            “What I do with my fiancé is my business.” Kaz said sharply. His gloved hand popped a cube of red wax into a waiting seal spoon. Jesper watched as he set it to melt above a glowing candle.

 

            “Yes, it is your business. I’m just saying maybe you could listen to me. Then tonight you won’t go upstairs to an empty apartment.”

 

            “You overestimate your abilities to sway Inej. She’ll do what she wants.”

 

 

            Jesper clicked his tongue, “Ah, true, but we both know the face Wylan has. The one that convinces even you to go get coffee with him. Wylan Van Eck could sway her.”

 

            At that, Kaz’s pen paused its scratching. Got ‘em.

 

            “Have a drink with me.” Jesper leaned forward, cracked his knuckles. “Or good luck getting rid of me. I’m an absolute nuisance when I want to be. I’ll go all fruit fly on your rotting attitude.”  

 

            Kaz released an agitated sigh, straightening in his chair to look at Jesper fully for the first time. A long moment passed before Kaz seemed to resign himself.

 

            “How did you walk here?”

 

            “Down East Stave and across Bieldstraat bridge. Why?” Jesper hummed.

 

            “Any pigeons pecking for the new blood?”

 

            Jesper was thrown, “You mean the new recruit? Cristof?”

 

            Kaz nodded, folding his arms across his chest.

 

            “A couple of Shu tourists. He had this fist-sized ruby…” Jesper trailed off when he saw Kaz’s smirk.

 

            Jesper threw his head back and laughed. “No fucking way. You lifted that rock for him, didn’t you? On your way home?”

 

            “I hoped he’d put it to good use. I saw the fresh tattoo peeking from his shirt sleeve.” Kaz’s eyes flashed in satisfaction.

 

            “Did he even know it was you? Had you met the kid yet?” Jesper choked.

 

            “Nah, he didn’t have a clue. He thought I dropped it. Just another idiot merchant who made his night easier. I’m glad he thought on his feet.” Kaz smiled then, a rare type. Not a smirk or a grimace, but a true show of amusement.

 

            “That kid is going to shit himself when he’s brought in front of you with Rotty.” Jesper hollered, wiping tears from his eyes. Even Kaz was restraining laughter behind his lips.

 

            “Fuck, Kaz.” Jesper finally managed as his laughter faded. “Ketterdam does dull without you.”

 

            Kaz shook his head of some thought before standing to limp for the bar cart. He returned a moment later with a bottle of glittering amber and two smoked crystal glasses. Jesper watched as Kaz poured them each several fingers worth.

 

            “Shall we toast?” Jesper asked, swirling his own glass around. Kaz shucked his gloves to the desk, glancing up to make sure the office doors were locked. Jesper wasn’t stupid, he’d locked them after entering.

 

            “To what?” Kaz sighed as he sat back down, one hand braced at his bad knee.

 

            “I don’t know,” Jesper contemplated. “To rubies?”

 

            Kaz gave a wolfish grin and raised his glass to clink against Jesper’s. “To rubies and… what did you say his name was?”

 

            “Cristof.” Jesper supplied, already laughing again. He knew Kaz had a near perfect memory. He’d not forgotten the boy’s name.

 

            Kaz had meant to make Jesper laugh. Somehow, that made the joy mean more.

 

            They both drank deep, leaning back in their chairs in near perfect unison.

 

            “So. Tell me what happened.” Jesper implored without preamble. “I know you can’t talk about Inej’s voyage, but you can tell me about Lij. About Lily.”

 

            Then, to his surprise, Kaz did. Without protest, and only one, minor, threat of his cane.

 

 

 

 

 

 

            A BELL LATER

 

            “I’m going to say it once.” Jesper hiccupped.

 

            “No.” Kaz groaned, threading his fingers through his hair in drunken defeat.

 

            “Your sister’s attractive. Nina’s going to flirt with her. I absolutely would if I wasn’t already sickeningly in love with Wy and the thought of other humans is literally gross to me now.”

 

            “Same.” Kaz rasped, very seriously.

 

            “You can’t have him!” Jesper cried through another inebriated hiccup.

 

            “I meant I feel the same about Inej, you drunk skiv.” Kaz chuckled, cheeks pinkened by the drink. “Also, never make me hear you say that about Lily when I’m sober. I’ll crush your nose with my cane.”

 

            Two threats of Kaz Brekker’s cane in one night. He’d certainly faced worse. Jesper Fahey considered them winning odds

Notes:

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SOOOOOO..... SOOOOO? I AM VIBRATING WITH EXCITEMENT FOR THIS SEASON PLZ TELL ME YOU ARE TOO????

Chapter 162: Enchanted

Summary:

A few much-needed conversations.

Notes:

CHAPTER 162!!!!!

HELLO GUYS. TIS I! HAPPY SHADOW & BONE S2 RELEASE DAY BABES!!!! AHHH!!! I am so thrilled. Anywho, couple notes. First, I really wanted to have a chapter up for you all to celebrate the show release day, but I've had some unexpected health stuff come up this week so I didn't edit this one nearly as much as I normally would. I do hope it turns out alright for you, and I hope you understand. (I had a draft saved & just decided to go ahead and upload for you as a surprise.) I hope you love it, this was pure magic to write. I hope you feel a little smiley by the end of it. <3 Happy reading &&&&& HAPPY WATCHING, dear readers. I love you.

Thank you forever and always for being here & reading what I write. I hope it brings a little joy to your week. <3

YA'LL COME TALK TO ME IN THE COMMENTS! I can't wait to hear what you think but also about the show! ( plz keep it spoiler free for my friends who may not get to watch it right away<3) I love ya & miss you.

"And We Danced" by The Hooters (just fun vibes toward the end of the chapter, you can't beat that)

WYLAN

 

            The kitchen was a mess. Wylan sorely regretted sending the house staff with his mother to assist Alys and his toddler sister in the country for the weekend. We can handle ourselves; Wylan mocked his own voice in his head.

 

            Tonight was… odd. Wylan Van Eck didn’t particularly enjoy the energy that radiated in his home. For years now, Wy had come to think of himself, Jesper, Nina, Inej and Kaz as unshakable. Almost always on the same page. He thought of them all as sheet music, hitting different notes but always within a line or two of one another.

 

            Tonight, had been a Ghezen damned circus instead of an orchestra. Nina had swung around cymbals whilst Jesper had smacked a bass drum. Inej had wrangled a badly tuned cello whilst Kaz had barely whistled. All the while, Wylan had stood in the corner tapping a silly little triangle. None of it had fit together as it usually had.

 

            “Do you need help?” A familiar voice came from the kitchen doorway. Wylan turned to see Nina leaning there, her face freshly scrubbed and hair damp. She wore a ridiculously fluffy fjerdan sweater that Wylan knew she’d stolen from Matthias’ druskelle trunk. Trassel trotted in at her side, immediately finding a patch of floor near the kitchen hearth.

 

            “Honestly, I think we should just commit to eating out until Monday.” Wylan frowned at the mess of ingredients that littered the kitchen block island. Nina shuffled into the room, sniffling a small laugh.

 

            “Do you feel better?” Wylan asked as he began piling some crackers on a plate. He’d told her she should take a hot shower, relax for a while. He’d thought perhaps some pampering might perk Nina’s spirits after her confrontation with Inej and Kaz’s sudden departure.

 

            “A little.” Nina shrugged as she plopped herself into one of the stools opposite him. “Jesper’s been gone for hours now.”

 

            Wylan nodded, reaching into a drawer for a knife to slice at a wheel of cheese. A partner to his sad, sad, crackers. Truthfully, Wylan was glad Jesper had not returned. It meant he’d found Kaz, and, just maybe, had gotten Brekker to talk to him.

 

            Wylan hadn’t been able to put his finger on it, but ever since Jesper’s near death aboard the Wraith, Kaz and his fiancé had seemed… closer. As if something had shifted between them that night, something as crisp as a high note. Aranhi, Jesper called Kaz now. Brother, in zemeni. Wylan himself considered Kaz Brekker that, too. Wylan would be grateful to Kaz forever, for a multitude of reasons even beyond Jesper’s life.

 

            “Do you think they’re okay?” Nina continued in his silence. Her green eyes were fixed on the counter, drawn to some far away corner of her mind.

 

            “Yeah,” Wylan answered easily. “Jesper was right to go after him. Kaz looked like he needed a friend.”

 

            Nina winced under his words, tugged at the sleeves of her sweater. Wylan would not placate her. If he’d been Kaz, he might have walked out of the house, too.

 

            “I should have gone with.” Nina mumbled.

 

            “No.” Wylan said as he hacked at the cheese with little finesse. “Kaz wouldn’t have wanted to hear it, Neens. Not yet.”

 

            Nina sighed up at him and pulled the plate of salami slices toward her. She began to lay pieces atop his crackers with a crude eye for matching the sizes properly. “Where did Inej and… Lily, go?”

 

            “Upstairs. I gave Lily the room across from Inej’s old suite. Thankfully it was already prepared for Colm’s visit next week.”

 

            “She’s staying here?” Nina asked, brow peaked in surprise. It was the first time she looked at him fully.

 

            “Yes. At least for tonight. Inej seemed unsure what would happen beyond that.”

 

            “I meant Inej.” Nina grumbled.

 

            Wylan dropped his knife to the cutting board and sterned his gaze. “I don’t know if Inej will stay tonight or go home, but that room is always hers and she can use it as she sees fit. Just as yours will always be yours.”

 

            Nina grimaced. “I suppose that’s fair. I’m just mad, Wy. And I don’t like it. I don’t think I’ve ever been actually mad at Inej. She’s my best friend, besides you and Jesper. And Trass.” Summoned, the wolf whined at her feet. Wylan watched Nina hand off a piece of salami.

 

            “You didn’t say Kaz.” Wylan observed.

 

            “No. I suppose I didn’t.” Nina seemed to think on it, her lips pursed. “I want to say Kaz is the same as the rest of you. It’s not that he doesn’t mean just as much to me as any of you. He does. Saints, I love that bastard so much that I cried when I realized how my words must have sounded to him. It’s just…”

 

            “Just what?” Wylan pushed, wiping his hands on a kitchen rag to lean against the counter.

 

            “I don’t know Kaz. Not really. I know he loves Inej. I know he might be the smartest person on this continent. I know he favors his bad haircut and black suits. I know he means it when he makes a promise and that he hates olives. I know that he has never, never, made me feel like I should be less of myself and that is important.”

 

            Wylan tilted his head, surprised by her honesty. He knew there was more to come.

 

            “But I don’t know who his tulips were for.” Nina frowned at her hands. “The night that he killed Pekka Rollins, Kaz cried. Those explosions in the harbor, those were for someone. Inej knew to give him that, where he’d be. Kaz was mourning, and I didn’t even know a name. Was it his mother? He always said fifth harbor birthed him. Was it his father? Did Pekka kill the elder Brekker? Was it a first love? Did Kaz love someone before Inej and lose them like Matthias? Was it a friend from his childhood?”

 

            Wylan considered her words. “Does it matter?”

 

            Nina looked taken aback but Wylan pressed on before she could misunderstand.

 

            “Kaz was mourning, and you gave him tulips. Kaz was mourning and he let all of us stand there with him. He let us all see it, Nina. He didn’t shy away or bark insults of sentimentality at us. Do you think Kaz Brekker would have let you stand there, when he was at his weakest, if he didn’t trust you completely?” Wylan asked, growing surer of his words by the second. He ran a hand through his unruly curls, gesturing between them with a flick of his wrist.

 

            “There are things…” Wylan cleared his throat. “There are things about… my father, what he did, that only Jesper knows. Only Jesper knows because it hurts to talk about them even still. It’s not because I wouldn’t trust you or Inej or Kaz with those pieces of me, but it’s more like… I had to build myself up to even tell Jesper about those wounds. Stories in which I was helpless. Stories that required me to feel helpless again just to share them.”

 

            Nina’s eyes dimmed as he paused. Wylan knew what he was saying to be truth.

 

            “I think Kaz was helpless once, too. We all have been. But… I think if being helpless hurt me as much as it did, I have to imagine for someone like Kaz it was indescribable. Because of how his mind works, because of how fully Kaz examines every situation. Because in his bones, Kaz is an artist of escape. Of scheming and plotting. I think… maybe, for Kaz…helplessness is hell. I worked hard to tell Jesper every awful bit of my existence, my own damnation. Kaz clearly managed the same with Inej, and for that I admire him. I cannot condemn him for his progress, for not offering me safe passage into his private darkness.

 

            “Hell is a dangerous place to host the company of love, best to limit your invitations.” Wylan finished, lips tilting into a somber smile.

 

            Nina’s eyes met his, her expression both thoughtful and remorseful. “I never thought of it that way.”

 

            Wylan resumed his construction of little cracker sandwiches as Nina watched on.

 

            “I think I fucked up, Wylan. Bad.” Nina whispered finally.

 

            “I agree with your hypothesis,” said Wylan, ushering kindness into his voice. “But you know what the most shocking revelation in my years of acquaintance with Kaz Brekker has also been?”

 

            “Please tell me it’s that he has a chest full of frilly gloves. I always thought that would be a wonderful discovery.” Nina tried with a sniffly chuckle.

 

            “No,” Wylan laughed. “It’s that he is potentially the most understanding out of all of us. Remember when we were trying to leave for the ice court?”

 

            “The ambush on the docks.” Nina shivered.

 

            “If Kaz managed to forgive Jesper for a mistake that put Inej in danger, don’t you think he might manage the same for a few words spoken out of fear and hurt?”

 

            Nina looked up at him, green eyes sparkling with a tinge of wet. “I never blamed Kaz. Never.”

 

            Wylan leveled his gaze to Inej where she stood in the doorway of the kitchen, silent as a shadow. He’d known she was there for a minute or so, and she had known he’d seen her. Nina followed his eyes, turning over her shoulder. Her face was splashed with sudden emotion. Wylan wished Inej had heard what Nina had said about her, too.

 

            “Kaz would kill me for saying this, but he deserves to hear those words.” Inej said softly. A Brekker-sized black button down hung over Inej’s torso, the sleeves rolled at the ends. Her hair spilled in damp waves, the edges touching the waistband of soft looking sleep pants. The gray fabric was also rolled at Inej’s ankles.

 

            “You Wraith-ed me.” Nina whispered through a tiny laugh. Inej’s lips quirked, soil eyes shining.

 

            “Yes, well. You were spilling secrets. It’s like perfume to spies like me. I just followed the scent.” Inej said softly, pushing further into the room on silent bare feet.

 

            “I probably deserve that.” Nina said with a hesitant smile in Inej’s direction. Wylan knew a peace offering when he saw one, even if it may prove temporary. “How much did you hear?”

 

            Inej raised a brow. “Only the last bit I presume. Oh, and Kaz doesn’t have frilly gloves. Much to all of our dismay. But he does have a lot of pairs. My favorite are the ones with sheepskin.”

 

            “Fancccyyyy.” Nina whistled. “Do they… um, feel nice?”

 

            Inej rolled her eyes. “His hands are softer.”

 

            “I was making… dinner?” Wylan greeted, wincing at his cracker platter.

 

            “We’ve eaten worse meals together,” Inej offered as she sidled up to the counter. “And with a far less pristine table.”

 

            “Sometimes I wonder who was in that stone coffin we used as a table on Black Veil.” Nina chuckled. “I hope they’re still gossiping beyond the veil.”

 

            Wylan couldn’t help but laugh, he’d never even thought of that poor soul. A mischievous smile encompassed his lips as he spoke, “I bet they still wonder whether Kaz and Inej gave up and admitted to being infatuated with each other.”

 

            Inej gave a severe grin, cheeks tinging burnt pink. Her eyes narrowed on him. “Or maybe they’re still trying to sus out if it was you or Kuwei that Jes liked.”

 

            Wylan launched a piece of cheese at the Wraith. She caught it easily. “Rude!”

 

            Nina howled, green eyes blazing brighter than they had in hours. “Dear saints, they’re probably still carrying on about the infamous ‘net or no net’ conversation.”

 

            “Kaz looked like he was ready to either skin you alive or rip your clothes off.” Wylan choked at Inej. She was already shushing them, entirely flustered.

 

            Together they all laughed the type of laughter that only came from reunions over mediocre meals and ‘remember when’s.

 

            Wylan’s heart swelled. He wanted to paint the girls and himself just as they were now, disheveled and throwing cheese while their bellies ached from laughter that belayed their adulthood.

 

            “Where’s Lily?” Nina asked finally, her eyes focused on her rather creative monstrosity, a leaning tower of cracker sandwich.

 

            Inej finished her own bite slowly, perhaps chewing longer than necessary. “She’s upstairs. I think Ketterdam is a bit much for anyone to take in in one evening. I told her to rest.”

 

            Wylan realized that was all Inej wanted to say about the woman at the moment, but he couldn’t let it be.

 

            “Why did she threaten Jesper when you first arrived? He seemed rather shaken by it, and I can’t imagine why. Not with his guns in each hand.”

 

            Inej didn’t fiddle, but she looked uneasy as she glanced at her hands. “She’s deaf, and we broke into the house. The first thing she saw was Jes running down the stairs with loaded guns toward Kaz. She only read Jes’s threat to shoot Kaz, he wasn’t smiling and she didn’t know his tone… she only reacted out of protection. She wouldn’t have hurt him; she was just frightened.”

 

            Nina seemed confused, Wylan had to admit he was, too. “She jumped in front of loaded guns to save Kaz?”

 

            “Yes. Before anyone asks… it’s not my place to share why. I… I meant what I said earlier, though. Lily is a part of my crew for this voyage. She’s important to Kaz, to me. Please, I know how frustrated everyone is with me, but try not to be with Lily. She’s sacrificing her time to aid me on potentially the most important job I will ever take.” Inej spoke quickly, unlike herself. Before Wylan or Nina could speak, she continued.

 

            “She’s kind, trustworthy. I’m already so grateful, Wy, that our friendship is strong enough that you’d not even flinch when Kaz and I bring a stranger into your home without warning or permission. Still, I wanted you to know that. I never want to abuse your kindness or betray your faith in me. In Kaz.”

 

            Inej met his gaze with genuine gratitude. Wylan reached out a hand and gripped hers against the counter. “I believe you, ‘Nej. No worry is necessary. I suppose I’m only grateful for the explanation. I’ll sleep easier knowing Jesper only frightened her.”

 

            “I trust you too, Inej.” Nina added quietly. “I… I shouldn’t have been so cruel to you earlier. I know that you and Kaz were just as cornered by Nikolai and Zoya as I was. It’s just…”

 

            “They are your commanders and monarchs? They hold your future in their hands?” Inej finished for her. Nina nodded silently, clearly not wanting to rekindle their earlier arguments. Wylan still held Inej’s soft hand in his own. He realized how fearful he was, just then. Inej and Nina were going to sail away on some mysterious job, within days. A voyage that seemed to call forth more danger than all the rest, based on the little he knew.

 

            Once, Wylan Van Eck had neither friend nor family. Once, he’d felt alone in this world, scolded for things he’d been no more able to change than the color of his eyes or the size of his shoe. For all that he was. Then, Kaz Brekker had found him above a chemical vat. Jesper Fahey had swaggered into his life like a rainbow after a storm.

 

            Wylan knew the value of family, now. These friends of his were his sisters in heart and arms. His solemn one-man show had bloomed into a full ensemble, a band of fellow misfits, and he still meant it, all these years later.

 

            If he’d had his choice of a thousand companions- these would still be the humans he’d choose. Time and time again.

 

            Nina had given Wylan an appreciation for true loyalty, and sweeter desserts.

 

            Matthias Helvar had shown a young merchant’s son the bravery it took to stand up for what is right.

 

            Inej Ghafa had reminded Wylan that his blood did not mark his worth, and that the high road boasted the best views.

 

            Jesper Fahey had shown Wylan what love was meant to be. Safe and full of laughter. Jesper had mended a heart he’d not broken, no questions asked.

 

            Kaz Brekker had torn Wylan’s world apart, pointed to each flaw Jan Van Eck’s son had tried to hide in shame, and said “Own it with pride.”

 

            “Wy, are you okay?” Inej’s soft voice came to him. Wylan had not realized how far he’d drifted, how badly he wanted them to stay. It would be selfish to give that fear to Inej and Nina, now. He knew it.

 

            “I was just thinking how odd it will be, for it to be just Jes, Kaz, and I in Ketterdam.” Wylan found himself admitting to a thread of the truth.

 

            “I was gone until a few months ago, and Inej sails frequently.” Nina said. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, reached for another slice of salami for Trassel. Wylan knew her words were meant to reassure. He wished they had been.

 

            “I know.” Wylan dropped Inej’s hand, busying himself with putting his dirtied knife in the sink basin. With his back turned to them, Wylan closed his eyes against the tide of emotion in his chest. “It doesn’t mean I ever got used to it.”

 

            “It’s odd to think of, isn’t it? How few months we all actually spent together in the beginning. We were fighting for our lives most of the time, literally, but it was the first time I had people to turn to, every day.” Wylan confessed.

 

            “We’ll come back.” Inej said gently, but her tone hinted at her title. Captain Ghafa. He wondered if the words were meant for him or herself.

 

            Wylan gave a bare nod, deciding in self-preservation to change the subject. He turned back to them, hoping his face held together better than it had moments ago.

 

            “Are you staying here tonight, then?” Wylan gave a pointed glance to Inej’s clothing. She’d had her bag from the countryside with her, after all.

 

            “I’m undecided.” Inej admitted, beginning to stack a plate of food he assumed was intended for Lily.

 

            “Why?” Nina frowned. Inej didn’t seem bothered by the other girl’s expression.

 

            “Because I miss my apartment. Because I’d like fresh clothes and my bed. The one I’d like my fiancé to actually return to tonight.” Inej answered with a tiny shrug.

 

            “And you’d certainly entice him there.” Nina wagged a suggestive brow. Inej was already blushing, more than usual. Nina and Wylan shared a conspiratorial smirk. “Come now, Inej. You look like you’ve spent a week alone with your fiancé, you cannot tell me there was no time to—”

 

            “Nina!” Inej groaned.

 

            “Fine, fine,” Nina waved a dismissive hand through a giggle. “But you’re already changed for sleep. Would you really cross the city at this point?”

 

            “True.” Wylan added. “Also, who knows what Kaz and Jesper are doing. Either it went well or Kaz has him hanging upside down from a tall window somewhere.”

 

            “I doubt that.” Inej said softly, a note of affection filtering into her words. “Jes would have come back for more ammunition by now if Kaz hadn’t decided to allow his company.”

 

            “Also, true.” Wylan grinned at the thought.

 

            “What do you think they are doing?” Nina pondered as Inej began to pluck up the plate of snacks destined for Lily.

 

            “Drinking, probably.” Wylan answered. “Or running a theft without us.”

 

            “Not likely. Kaz relies on his spider.” Inej replied primly.

 

            “At least you didn’t sleep with him and then kill him.” Nina shrugged. “Although I might have respected the decision.”

 

            “You are supposed to be saying nice things about him right now, Nina.” Inej gave a glare as she fetched Lily a glass of water from the sink tap. Wylan steered a pointed look at Nina in Inej’s distraction. You can fight tomorrow. Don’t poke the bear.

 

            “Fine.” Nina grimaced, eyes thoughtful. “His hair has grown out. I like that.”

 

            Inej didn’t bother with a response, but Wylan heard her soft laugh as she made to depart the kitchen, a tray of offerings for Lily in tow.

 

            “Wait, Inej!” Wylan hollered after her. The spy turned, balancing her tray with expert coordination. “When do you think you’ll be sailing?”

 

            Inej considered with a sigh. “The papers indicate a storm set to hit this weekend, probably as early as tomorrow night. I’ll have to confer with Specht, relay information with Zoya as soon as I find out where she’s staying or if she’s land bound yet at all…” She paused, shifting Lily’s glass of water. “I doubt we’ll risk leaving port until Monday after the storms.”

 

            Wylan nodded, more relieved than he’d admit. His throat worked on a tight swallow before he spoke, “Perhaps then… tomorrow we should all dine together. Here. We can… haggle out our grievances.”

 

            “Spoken like a true merchant.” Nina muttered, mood soured considerably with the talk of sailing. Wylan ignored her.

 

            Inej, however, offered him a small smile. “I think that’s a good idea. I’ll let you know if I leave for the Barrel tonight, but I’ll corner Kaz into it.”

 

            “Good. Hopefully my future husband and yours will find their way to bed at some point. Lets just call it a plan.” Wylan said. “And if you do go back to the Barrel, please don’t let Jesper walk home if he is indeed intoxicated.”

 

            Inej nodded before pushing out of the room, clearly understanding what Wylan meant. The Barrel was a place teeming with temptation that Jesper may be more susceptible to investigate under the influence of spirits. Granted, Wylan also had faith in him. It was more precaution at this point than genuine fear.

 

            He also didn’t think Kaz Brekker, drunk or not, would let Jes out of his sight near a gambling den.

 

            “I think I’ll head up myself.” Nina turned to glance at the door Inej had disappeared through. “That was… I think I needed that.”

 

            As Nina scurried from the kitchen, Trassel dogging her steps, Wylan smiled.

 

            “Me too.”

 

 

KAZ

 

            “That is a terrible spot for plates!” Kaz grimaced, half leaning against the kitchen cabinets of his sixth-floor apartment. Two very much empty bottles of spirits littered the counter, keeping their full one company.

 

            “Why?” Jesper hiccupped, admiring the stack of dishware they’d unboxed. The inebriated sharpshooter had decided the tallest shelf in the cabinet a suitable spot.

 

            “Because Inej is…” Kaz paused, squinting at his own hand, “yay high?” He measured by his own body.

 

            “Oh.” Jesper laughed. “But think about it, man! You can lift her up when she wants one. Perfect opportunity to forget about food altogether!”

 

            Kaz fought a fit of chuckles. “No, she’ll berate me about my carelessness for my leg and then she’ll ask where the fuck I put my feminism because she can do it herself.”

 

            “Damn, that’s fair.” Jesper said seriously, both of them half-swaying. Kaz didn’t think he’d ever drank this much.

 

            Drunk. Kaz was absolutely sloshed with Jesper Fahey.

 

            Tipping a bottle back, Jesper choked on laughter. “We don’t want her to be mad when we wanted to surprise her!”

 

            True, Kaz thought. His lips smiled freely. A stupid sort of grin, he was certain.

 

            This had been their plan, after drinking the first bottle in his office. Kaz had told Jesper damn near everything about Lij. Even about Emilia.

 

            I wonder if Emilia will fix the sleeve I ripped trying to cut open the moving boxes? I’ll mail it to Lij tomorrow.

 

            Kaz did not share Lily’s abilities with Jesper, nor Emilia’s nature and second-hand assistance in Inej’s voyage, those were not his to tell. But Kaz had all but gossiped otherwise.

 

            Even worse, Kaz didn’t think he’d regret it when he sobered up. It had been… something, to tell Jesper all the ridiculous ways his life had changed these past weeks. It had been cathartic, almost.

 

            Then, Kaz had made a joke about the fact that he and Inej had not even spent enough time in their new apartment to unpack despite the months that had passed.

 

            "Then let’s surprise the Wraith!” Jesper had beamed, slurring. “She’s stressy. I saw it on her little shoulders.”

 

            “Okay.” Kaz had rasped in response, following Jesper up the hidden stairwell without protest.

 

            Kaz missed Inej. When he was drunk, Kaz discovered he kept wishing Inej were there. He wanted to put his hands in her hair. He wanted to lean on her, hold her hand.

 

            He wanted her near.

 

            “I miss Inej.” Kaz slurred out loud.

 

            Jesper was carefully separating forks from spoons on the counter. Inej had bought them the flatware after a fight. Ghezen damn him, he didn’t deserve her.

 

            “Me too.” Jesper half-groaned, half-giggled. “Everything is more fun when she’s here to look at us in disapproval.”

 

            Kaz took another sip of whiskey. He gazed at the apartment they’d spent two hours drunkenly unpacking. They still needed a sofa, other furniture, but Kaz felt a flutter in his stomach at the surprise Inej would feel when she saw the little table and chairs in the corner, he’d had them delivered while they were in Lij. Anika had seen to getting them up the lift, and the furniture had been in the hallway when Kaz had first returned to the High- Wire earlier that evening.

 

            Maybe Inej would smile at his card decks, now proudly displayed on the mantle where she’d suggested. Kaz had set aside three boxes, though. He didn’t want to do everything without his avri. She could help finish it.

 

            “How ‘bout here?” Jesper asked now, pointing at a new shelf for the plates, shaking Kaz from his thoughts. “This is Wraith height, no?”

 

            “Yeah,” Kaz grinned. “That’s right.”

 

            The crows cawed on the windowsill, still feasting on the slightly stale breadcrumbs Kaz had purloined on his way back to the Barrel.

 

            “They agree!” Jesper clapped his hands. Kaz had no idea how long he and his best friend laughed at that, but he knew his belly ached by the end of it.

 

 

INEJ

 

            Stepping out of the lift cage, Inej shifted her bag from Lij higher on her shoulder. She’d decided to come home, despite the late hour. The Barrel had been its usual boisterous self, but she’d welcomed the crisp air on her cheeks as she’d maneuvered the rooftops. Her legs had indeed been grateful for the workout, too.

 

            Inej had only seen Anika on her way up, the blonde clearly on her way to her own apartment. Inej was grateful she’d managed to avoid any conversation. All she wanted to do was find Kaz and Jesper.

 

            They’d not been at the Crow Club, for that had been Inej’s first stop. Which meant they were presumably here at the Wire. Kaz’s office had been locked, but she’d not heard any sound from within. Inej had not been in the mood to try and pick Kaz’s favorite locks, the trickiest kinds, so she’d decided to make her way upstairs first and then use the secret stairwell that fed to his office if she didn’t have any luck in the apartment.

 

            Inej could already hear the ridiculous bathtub calling to her despite her earlier shower at the Van Eck mansion. She wanted home.

 

            Inej paused in the hallway, key to the door dangling from her fingers. Was that… laughter? A muffled sort of holler carried through the door as Inej set her key to the lock.

 

            She pushed open the door, shocked by the scene that greeted her. The wall sconces were glowing, a fire had been piled into the hearth.

 

            The shock factor came from the two men bickering over whose organization of spoons was better.

 

            “Jesper’s pile is more uniform.” Inej said, a smile already reaching her face.

 

            “’Nej!” Jesper cheered, pupils so wide they almost encompassed the silver. He ran to her, scooping her in a tight hug. Inej’s feet left the ground as she giggled, smelling whiskey on her friend’s breath.

 

            “That’s mine!” Kaz poked at Jesper with his cane.

 

            Next thing Inej knew, Kaz’s lips were on hers and then gone as he gestured proudly at the apartment. Wings fluttered in her belly, happily buzzing about. Kaz hadn’t kissed her since the train from Lij. She hadn’t realized how worried she’d been after he’d left the Van Eck estate. He was smiling, now.

 

            Clearly, Jesper had some sort of magic.

 

            Inej looked at the two men beside her, both grinning. She couldn’t help her giddy bout of laughter.

 

            “Saints, you unpacked.”

 

            “We did.” Kaz pulled her to his side, seeming to want a physical connection to her.

 

            “And those bottles are surely from water?” Inej offered them both a mischievous glare.

 

            Jesper belched. “Of course, Wraith.”

 

            Kaz was laughing like a little boy, half leaned into her.

 

            “Very well. Show me what you’ve done.” Inej grinned.

 

            Two very drunk boys took her on a tour of her own home, every waiting problem forgotten. Inej thought she might remember this feeling, this enchanting moment, for the rest of her life.

Notes:

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SO?? ALL THE THINGS? (I hope it turned out okay even unedited, forgive me if it's not to usual standard!<3)

Chapter 163: Half Shine

Summary:

Communication is hArD.

Notes:

CHAPTER 163!!!

HELLO ALL. <3 I am here with a new chapter!!! I have missed you all, but life has been a little tricky lately, health and work wise. I hope you understand, I am doing my best to balance it all. ANYWAY... I do hope you love this chapter. It's very much a character-centric piece, but I thought it important to include for a multitude of reasons, namely the reality of coping mechanisms in humans. I hope that makes sense when you read. <3 Happy reading my loves.

Second, I want to offer a deeply profound thank you to each and every one of you. DWOD has crossed 700k reads. I cannot even begin to wrap my head around that number. I can't do anything but tell you how much this story, & all of you, have impacted me. You've changed my life in a thousand ways, and altered my writing career, too. I feel absolutely like the luckiest author around to have you as my readers. I hope you'll be the ones I carry with me to my novels, too. I don't think anything could bring me more joy. <3 Thank you for each click, each kudos, each comment. Each smile. You've given me a place to shine, and I only hope to reflect that light back to each one of you. I hope to know you for a great many more stories, dear readers. I love you more than waffles, lockpicks, saints, wolves, gun powder & phosphorus. <3

THIRD: HELLO NEW READERS. HOW YOU DOIN'? ILY THANKS FOR JOINING THE CREW.

Finally, I'd love to hear from you in the comments!!! I'M SO STOKED FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER. TELL ME YOUR PREDICTIONS, FEARS, HOPES. PLZ YOU FUEL ME ON MY WEAK CREATIVE DAYS. (ALSO last time I uploaded was on S&B release day!!! GAB AT ME AB THE SHOW!! I'm going to *attempt* to reply to all comments on this chapter, but I ALWAYS read every single one. YELL AT ME IF YOU MUST. <3 ok thx ily.

"Not Used To Normal" by Jillian Rossi (LISTEN PLZ I BEG. KAZ. KAZZZZZZZ.)

KAZ

 

            “What are you doing?” Kaz rasped, half leaned in the doorway of the bathroom.

 

            “I’m filling the bathtub.” Inej responded flippantly, bent over the shining brass knobs. Rushing water hit porcelain and Kaz continued his enjoyment of his -albeit slightly crooked- view.

 

            “I like your robe.” Kaz said without thinking as Inej straightened, the satin hugged her as if her Saints had simply poured sapphires over her skin like rainwater. He sighed, bleary and drunk off more than one intoxicant.

           

            Inej. Whiskey. Both. She was stronger. He was glad they’d deposited Jesper onto a sofa in the lobby with a blanket to sleep for the night. He wasn’t in the mood to share.

 

            “You are crooked, drunk, and disheveled.” Inej listed on her fingers, a smile tugging her lips. “I cannot give you any more reasons why you should drink some more water.”

 

            “No.” Kaz smirked like a petulant child. “I’m busy.”

 

            “Then I’m kicking you out of the bathroom.”

 

            Kaz gasped, “Why?”

 

            “Because you only get to stay if you hydrate.”

 

            She was a cruel, well-intentioned woman, his soon-wife. He limped to the sink and refilled the glass she’d already made him down twice. He tossed it back in three gulps, eyes never leaving her.

 

            “I can stay.” Kaz said, unsure why he felt the desire to giggle with victory. Inej rolled her eyes, hands drifting to the sash of her robe.

 

            “I can help with that.” Kaz hummed. Even hazy, he still gave the bathtub full of water a look of caution as he approached on mostly steady feet.

 

            Inej allowed him to sink his fingers into the knot of her sash, allotted him the silent request he bid to take his time. Where had he been when she’d changed out of her clothes before? Right, yes. That was when she’d made him drink water in the kitchen. Just before she made him drink water in the bedroom.

 

            “You came home.” Kaz flicked his eyes up to her once, ignoring the slight tremble in his own voice. “Jesper thought you were going to stay at his house.”

 

            “And you, mera chaar? What did you think?” Inej’s eyes were tracing his face, even as he worked at her robe with a pace of molasses. He just wanted to be close to her. The steam from the tub was snaking between them, like the clouds between their moon and sea.

 

            Kaz shrugged, fiddling with the satin in his fingers. Memories poked at his consciousness like thistles, pinpricks from much earlier that night. Nina’s haunting words whispered in his ears, Lily’s stricken sea-scape eyes splashing against his back as he’d turned from her.

 

            Jesper had come for him. Saved him from weighing his own shoes with weights for a downward spiral. He’d not expected it, but maybe he should have. Maybe he shouldn’t have been so eager to cut his losses, whittle away his own pain through a series of tasks and to-do lists.

 

            Inej was looking up at him, eyes turned amber from the sconces. Heavy lashes cast shadows on her cheeks, evoking a sleepiness in her gaze that belied the pointedness of her words.

 

            “I thought maybe you wouldn’t have wanted to come home tonight.” Kaz answered her finally, letting his hands drop from her robe.

 

            “Why did you think that?” Inej stepped closer to him, a gentle hand laid on his jaw. Kaz didn’t want to look at her. He wanted to continue being drunk and hiding from his own self-deprecation.

 

            He looked anyways, as he always would. Inej was there, who wouldn’t? It would be the equivalent of trying to deny the sun your shadow. Impossible.

 

            Kaz swallowed, he felt her thumb brush his jaw.

 

            “Because I left. Because I didn’t tell Lily she’d be staying with Wylan and Jesper. Because I wouldn’t listen to Nina.” He rasped, ducking his gaze to settle on the pretty flutter of her pulse at her neck. “Because I left you to deal with it in my wake.”

 

            Inej’s sigh was a soft gust of air, a thing lacking any of the anger he’d been preparing himself for before his drunken distractions with Jesper.

 

            “You, Kaz Brekker, make me want to rip my hair out sometimes.” Inej mumbled, her fingers grazing his cheek in soft swirls.

 

            He lifted an unsurprised brow as he peeked back at her.

 

            She tutted, shaking her hair from the final vestiges of a braid she’d already begun undoing before. “Because you assume I was not on your side.”

 

            Kaz took a shuddering breath, the air darting through his teeth. This, once again, should not have surprised him. It still did.

 

            “Please don’t rip out your hair even if I make you crazy.” Kaz answered instead, hoping she might let it go. A hope noosed, scant at best.

           

            Inej turned his face up to her again, lips curved into a soft smile.

 

            “Why are you hiding from me?” she asked, tone soft and beseeching.

 

            “Because I’m drunk enough to know it actually hurt.” Kaz replied without thought, already damning his filters for failing. He didn’t like this, speaking the thought exactly as it came to him. His lips continued flapping anyhow. “Because I am hurt. Because I am hurt, and I don’t think it will stop any time soon.”

 

            Fucking whiskey.

           

            Another whiskey would be good. One more to really do him in, make him forget about it all a little longer and instead focus upon each inch of Inej that currently laid exposed.

 

            Inej’s mouth crested in a small ‘oh.’ A blip of a word tucked behind her teeth. Her surprise made the confession ache more. Made him recoil from his own defenselessness.

 

            I can’t do this. I can’t rely on this.

 

            Kaz stepped out of the circle of her arms, running agitated fingers through his hair. He caught a glimpse of his reflection in the steamed mirror, an angry looking black slash in the golden reality. He was like the unsea. The thought felt true enough in his current inebriation, even if his darkness may have shrunk in recent years.

 

            It was still deep enough to drown in, even slowly.

 

            “Your water is getting cold.” Kaz rasped, clearing his throat as he limped toward the doorway. With his back turned to her, Kaz finally let his breath out. He didn’t want to stand here, vulnerable. It didn’t feel like opening up, it felt like breaking apart.

 

            It would hurt less this way, Kaz thought. If he could let Inej go softly, over days, instead of all at once.

 

            This was the first release, the first finger lifted from the crevasse between hers. By the time she stepped aboard the Wraith, maybe he’d be spared the onslaught. If he endured the pain- one knuckle at a time- then maybe the full fisted punch would be reduced to mundane familiarity.

 

            “Kaz,” Inej called after him. Her voice was surprised again, confused. “Why are you leaving?”

 

            He paused at the threshold, hand on the door frame. His eyes closed. If he looked back, he’d be tempted to stay. That had been his goal to begin with, but now he couldn’t bear it. Couldn’t stand here and watch her chest rise and fall- all while knowing that repetitive motion might cease when she was a thousand miles away from him.

 

            Kaz could not bear the thought that he might not know for weeks after the fact that she was gone. That the world itself might not howl of injustice the very second Inej Ghafa did not live.

 

            “Because I’m supposed to be getting strong again. You’ll be gone again soon. Because I’ve been too soft, and I need to be steel for the weeks ahead,” he didn’t say. But every answer came easily to him, perhaps not despite the liquor in his veins but because of it.

 

            Spirits clearly made the heavy thoughts float to the surface easier.

 

            “I’m not.” Kaz replied neutrally. His words rang false as he indeed walked away from her, knowing very well what she’d meant. She did not follow him, this time. He only heard her sigh, full of disappointment.

 

            When Jesper had been here, drinking with him and distracting him with laughs and easy jokes, he’d put away his hurt. His violence. His fear.

 

            Now, his mind laid just as unpacked as the apartment around him.

 

            For the first time in a long while, Kaz remembered why it had been easier to hand knives to everyone. If everyone had a knife in their pocket, Kaz didn’t have to distinguish enemies from friends. Armored, Kaz had been impenetrable. His skin might pierce, but beneath there was nothing to wound. No soft insecurity nestled between his bones that Nina Zenik could puncture, no tumorous sadness lining his lungs that Lily Arbor might lance.

 

            Kaz remembered his armor, and for a moment, he missed it terribly.

 

            His armor had been like the harbor, always pulling him in, and pushing the land- people- farther away.

 

            For all the danger of Kaz’s chosen path, being armored had been a safe way to live. Safe, if small.

 

            For all the softness of Kaz’s life now, being without his metal seemed very dangerous indeed.

 

            Kaz walked to the kitchen, poured out a drink. He lifted his glass, felt another finger pry away from his girl.

 

            Inej Ghafa would always be the one person who escaped Kaz Brekker without claw marks.

 

            This was the defining thing about precious sorts of love- even in dragging yourself away, you retracted your nails, softened your bones, and closed your mouth to hide razor sharp teeth. One had to gentle their departure by pointing all those innate weapons internally, fearing not the risk of blood but separation from a crucial life force all the same.

 

            Rare was this type of love, this pain.

           

            Kaz Brekker loved Inej Ghafa like a knife’s edge. Sharply, and fully aware of the pain it could cause him.

 

            Inej shut the bathroom door with a whisper soft click. Kaz winced.

 

 

INEJ

 

            She woke to the skylight above her, a gray morning. Her hand slinked along the sheets, only to be met with cold satin. Kaz was long gone.

 

            Inej knew he’d come to bed; she remembered half-waking to a kiss he pressed to her shoulder through one of his stolen shirts. She remembered trying to stay awake, asking him if he was alright.

 

            She did not remember him answering. Nor did she feel him wrap her in his arms as he’d done now for too many nights to count. She hoped it was but a forgotten memory, magicked away in the concealed hands of slumber.

 

            Her gut told her he’d not moved closer to her, last night.

 

            Frustrated, Inej went about her morning regime. Angrily brushed her teeth. Angrily braided her hair. Angrily dressed. Angrily said her prayers, with an apology to the Saints for her mood.

 

            In the kitchen, Inej found evidence of Kaz’s morning. A coffee mug beside the small sink basin. A folded napkin tossed in the bin. Had he eaten? Had he slept as much as he should have? They had no groceries.

 

            The thought made her stomach lurch. There would be no need to fill the cabinets for two- not when she’d only be in their home a few nights. She glanced at her leather satchel on the ground by the door, right where she’d dropped it the night prior. Sticking out of the top, she could still see the little furniture advertisement she’d nicked from Wylan.

 

            A black sofa. They’d decided on that together, she and Kaz.

 

            Inej bared her teeth at the gray-bellied sky. Standing at the wide windows of the sixth-floor apartment, a mug of tea in hand, Inej cursed. She could not spend her time worrying for her avri, for it was Kaz. Kaz, whom she knew, had to decide on his own terms to wrench his hurt into the light for her to see clearly. Kaz, whose eyes had hidden very little from her the night before, despite the alcohol in his veins and the spidering weariness in each of his discordant words.

 

            Today, Inej had much to do. She needed to confer with Specht, check on her ship for herself. She needed to ensure her crew would be ready for departure in two- or three-days’ time. Supplies needed to be inventoried, a queen hailed.

 

            Inej rolled her shoulders back, glimpsing a flutter of black wings on the windowsill. She smiled despite her dreary view of the world.

 

            For her birds, she might make time. She missed her Crows.

 

            All of them.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            “That’s all.” Kaz dismissed Anika as Inej slipped through the doorway of his office. The blonde lieutenant shed a tight smile to Inej as she departed the room with a straight back.

 

            “What did you do to her?” Inej smirked as she pushed the office doors shut behind her. The afternoon had grown darker than the morning, a cluster of vicious storm clouds were visible on the horizon through Kaz’s office window. He’d lit the glass wall sconces to work by, lending an eerie clash of light to the space. Like a rusted copper coin; half shine, half grime.

 

            Her fiancé was sat behind the desk, a coffee steamed beside him as he pondered over a stack of documents. His head barely lifted at her approach, a bare skim of his black irises. The violet crescents in the soft skin below his eyes showed deeper than she’d seen in quite some time.

 

            “Nothing but force her to do her job.” Kaz rasped distractedly. Inej frowned as she paused in front of his desk. “Did you go to your ship?”

 

            “I did,” Inej mumbled, linking her fingers together as she lowered herself into one of the plush chairs across him. “Are you well?”

 

            “Why wouldn’t I be?” Kaz replied. His gloved finger flipped a page, eyes trailing over a column of numbers Inej assumed belonged to the Crow Club. His ink pot was open, pen leaned against the side.

 

            Inej looked him over once more, searching for his tells. His eyes moved slower in her silence, as if he were waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

            She held the metaphysical thing by its laces, dangled it until he finally met her gaze.

 

            “Have you been back to the house, today?” Inej asked, reaching up to undo the end of her plait.

 

            “No. I have work that cannot be ignored forever.”

 

            Inej gave a sigh, running her fingers through her hair. She smelled traces of salt in the strands, a welcome scent. She’d spent the past few bells evaluating the Wraith with Specht, pinpointing exactly what tasks still needed doing before the voyage.

 

            Inej had also handed off a healthy sample of documents to her burly first mate, for him to begin crafting a forgery in Milan Arkten’s hand. Thank the Saints for Emilia Winstrad, Inej thought not for the first time.

 

            “You don’t think Lily might have appreciated you showing face?” Inej jabbed, finally crossing a breaking point. She didn’t understand what Kaz was trying to do with her. Couldn’t quite read his eyes as well as she might have a day or two before. Even the night before.

 

            What Inej did know, however, was that he was hindering that ability intentionally. Kaz was shielding himself from something, though Inej wasn’t certain what. Of course, she could make educated assumptions- what Lily and Nina had said to him. Her impending voyage. Even the lingering shock she knew he must still harbor regarding Lij, Emilia. Then, certainly, there were the tedious things. His work, and his absence from it for too long. Schemes, the Club.

 

            None of these possibilities added up to him shying from her now, though. Last night she’d made the conscious decision to let him walk away. Inej had thought it prudent given both his inebriation and the recentness of the words shed at the Van Eck estate.

 

            Now Inej waited before him, concerned more than anything. Frustrated, stressed- certainly. Mostly she just wanted to cherish the few days they had left together before she departed. Days she’d not planned to have, owed only to the brewing storms off the coast of Kerch.

 

            Sometimes, storms were simply blessings dressed in raincoats.

 

            Kaz stared at her now, a crinkled line between his brows. He leaned back in the wingback chair, one hand rubbing over his sharp jaw.

 

            He’d worn one of his favorite blazers today, Inej realized. It was black, as usual, but silver twine shined subtly in the seams at his wrists and collar. In the privacy of her mind, Inej had deemed this jacket ‘silver linings.’ She couldn’t remember when, in the course of their years together that she’d begun to name his garments, but she had.

 

            It was one lavish little secret she’d never told him in their games of truth. A magic trick of her own, on the days she guessed which shade of enchantment he might wear. A trove of tiny riches she could pull out of her memories on long voyages, apply as salve to her hurts.

 

            She’d have not guessed this one, today. A sign, a nudge of courage to push on.

 

            Abruptly, Inej stood. She walked slowly to the office doors; face half-turned over her shoulder so he knew she was not walking away. The lock gave a satisfying click as she turned it, ensuring their solitude. Gathering her breath, Inej turned around, pressed her spine to the fine engraved wood.

 

            “Kaz, what are you doing?” Inej asked, willing her voice to match her station as a captain. Bold, unyielding, and above all else- kind.

 

            He didn’t answer, continued to gaze at her as if he’d never seen her before. She wondered if his breath still hitched, the way Nina had once told her it had.

 

            The hopes Inej held were a severe dichotomy. Yes, she hoped she still thrilled him. No, she did not want his air to tangle in her presence. She hoped he breathed easier in her nearness, that the air swept his lungs like the finest pressed silk.

 

            Safe. That’s what Inej wanted to be for Kaz.

 

            “I know you, mera chaar. When you are waxing or waning. Today it is the latter and I don’t understand.” Inej said. She hefted her eyes up to him yet kept her spot at the door. It was up to him, for she’d already admitted her confusion. His call could shift her gravity.

 

            Inej waited, shoulder blades knocking up against the wood. Slushy vulnerability drenched her chest, neither comfortable nor entirely not. It was what she’d always been for him, exposed in such a way that only best friends and true loves could make one be.

 

            For Inej Ghafa, Kaz Brekker was both.

 

            Kaz had seemingly ripped through her gold-caged sky one day at fourteen, a violent tearing asunder that sent stars raining like fireballs. Still, he’d never let one touch her. It had been a reposeful destruction.

 

            He was safe for Inej.

 

            “I’m…” Kaz’s teeth clicked together. He growled a curse under his breath. Try again, Inej urged with eyes alone.

 

            “I’m trying.” Kaz said finally. His posture loosened by a fraction, a lock of hair falling to his pale forehead.

 

            “Are you?” Inej asked, tone softened to respectful sincerity.

 

            “Yes.” Kaz answered in a graveled whisper. “I know I need to go see Lily. I know I need to listen to Nina. I’m going…”

 

            “Going to dinner with me at the house in two bells.” Inej replied as she stepped forward, eclipsing the room without further thought. As she rounded the desk, Kaz turned his chair to face her. Their eyes did not drop from one another.

 

            “I am?” Kaz asked when she stepped between his knees. Knees that parted for her without hesitation. A step in the right direction.

 

            Inej looked down at him, searching for the right words.

 

            “Do you remember our friend, Mark?” Inej hummed, a slip of a smile on her lips.

 

            “Fucking hate that guy.” Kaz nodded. He loosed a small smirk, the first in what felt like ages.

 

            “Well today, you are Mark. And I’m stealing you out of your own head.”

 

            His rocky laugh folded her heart like origami, a creasing of pleasant pain in all the right spots.

 

            “Our family needs mending, Kaz. Let us sew it together before the ripped stitch becomes a hole. I know you are trying, but I also know that you seem in need of a kind wind. A push.” She paused, bringing a hand to his cheek slowly. He did not wince from her flesh, but leaned toward the warmth of her palm rather like a moth to a candle. “We go. We come home. We go to bed without clothes tonight, and I will not hear another word otherwise.”

 

            Kaz peered up at her through a fan of soot lashes. Mischief crackled red in the slate glass of his eyes.

 

            “You insulted me by calling me Mark and then want me to put out, Captain?” He quipped.

 

            “You’ll do as I say, this time.” Inej simpered lowly, tilting his chin up to her.

 

            Suddenly, she was falling, pulled into his lap with trickster hands she’d never seen coming.

 

            “Yes, Captain Ghafa.” Kaz whispered into the crown of her head as she shook with surprised giggles.

 

            His lips pressed into her hair, curved into a smile she could feel all the way down, from her toes to the roots of her spirit that tangled in lover’s knots with his.

 

            It would all be alright. It had to be. Kaz was wearing silver linings, and for Inej, that was enough.

Notes:

Socials!:

tiktok: @ravenyenn19

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SURPRISE I MADE AN AUTHOR INSTA FINALLY (i haven't even posted yet, but plz give ya girl a pity follow?) @ravenyenn19

Chapter summary:
Kaz: I hate you, kiss me
Inej: drink water, sleep, eat & I might bbygrl xoxo

Chapter 164: Frozen Envy

Summary:

Nina faces the music.

Notes:

CHAPTER 164!!!!!

Hi guys!!!! I'm back with a new chapter. This one is a lil different as it is Nina's POV, but I think you'll understand why. I do hope you love it, it was a tricky one to write. Happy reading, my loves. <3

Thank you for everything, as always. You guys are the heart of this story. Sincerely.

Please let me know what you think in the comments??? I'M DYING. It's always a little nerve wracking with different sorts of chapters such as this one. I also just love you. <3

"Wings" by Birdie (the beginning. You'll see why through your tears.)

NINA

 

            Nina pinched her cheeks in the mirror above her dressing table, grimacing at the measly results. The attempt was pathetic anyhow. Sighing, she plucked up the little pot of rouge and dipped a fingertip in. Using more vigor than necessary, she blotted the false rosiness across her cheek bones. She’d gotten unreasonably pale as of late, cheeks hardly flush.

 

            Or maybe it was the fact that she’d sobbed into a pillow for hours the night before, muffling her pain and feeling Trassel’s slobbery kisses on her hand. The wolf had whimpered at her tears, forever keeping Nina from submerging herself in the trenches of sorrow for good.

 

            “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Nina said now, words seemingly loud amongst the empty bedroom. Her only companion gave a pitiful wag from the sun patched carpet, too lazy to stand from the warmth. Can’t blame you.

 

            Nina sighed as she set down her cosmetics, glancing at the disheveled satin sheets on the mattress, a tangle to mirror her mental state. The whole room matched. Her kefta lay draped over the armchair in the corner, a pile of various shoes growing at the foot of the four-poster bed. Dresses, sweaters, and copious undergarments were strewn haphazardly across the space, a breadcrumb trail of an unbothered woman.

 

            It had been harder to care, lately. Harder to manage the self-preservation to tidy this beautiful suite Wylan and Jesper had given her a permanent home in. A mirror to Inej’s unused bedroom down the hall, Nina’s own chamber was painted a soft purple-hued mauve. It touched her heart, every time she glanced at the walls of this room.

 

            Wylan and Jesper had designed it for her, whilst she’d been in Fjerda the past two years. Her friends had handpicked paint colors, furniture, asked Marya to illustrate artwork for the walls. The northern fjords at twilight. Ravkan roses in the summertime at the Little Palace. In the crown molding, one could even find snowflakes hidden amongst the grains, ash tree silhouettes in the high corners of the ceiling.

 

            A vase of metal tulips sat on the windowsill, crafted by Jesper’s fabricator hands. When the setting sun poured through the bayed glass, the copper blooms rained petals of amber across the walls like a gilded kaleidoscope. That vase was perhaps the one material thing Nina would grab in a house fire. It was silly, of course, for these florae might withstand an inferno. An ice storm. The true comfort laid in the simple fact that metal, however cold, could withstand even a corpse witch without a single green tinted thumb.

 

            A soldier since childhood, the former heartrender had never had a home like this. A place entirely hers, scented of only dreamy perfume and a lingering whiff of sugar.

 

            Nina spoke six languages, but in none of them had she found the words to describe what this gift of home meant to her. What Jesper and Wylan’s genuine kindness had mended deep in the syrupy soft parts of her soul.

 

            Her lovely merchant friends hadn’t even known she’d come back to Kerch for any real amount of time. They could have offered her a guest room, exactly as it was. Instead, they designed this place for her- with only hope to go off. Nina still recalled the way Wylan’s lips had lifted when she’d stood in the doorway of the room for the first time, a hand slapped over her mouth to muffle a squeal and watery eyes.

 

            “Sisters are not guests, dove.” Jesper had hugged her from behind, kissed her cheek. “The world is our oyster, and we prefer to share the pearls.”

 

            At the memory, Nina scrunched her nose. It was a saints’ damned pity that she’d let the room fall into something of a hazard over the past months. Even if she knew where (most everything) was located. The truth of it was, Nina had thought… she thought she’d made it out of Grief’s frozen clutch, finally. In many ways, she had.

 

            Yet, some nights, like the one prior… Nina couldn’t help but let the feelings win out. Feelings that she was somehow being left behind. Stagnant in this city of constant commotion.

 

            It wasn’t Ketterdam’s fault. She’d felt the same even on official assignment in Fjerda. The thought of Ravka, the nation she’d bled for, filled Nina with no more hope than a leaky bathtub. She loved her country, loved the people. Still, she did not feel a call to return to the capital. To the little palace. To a life bound by the worth of her unique science.

 

            No. It was not a problem with any particular stretch of soil, but rather homesickness that could not be cured. A loneliness carved into the bones of her weary ribcage.

 

            Nina didn’t know how to go home without an ice pick, a shovel, and a handful of miracles.

 

            For her friends, her chosen family, it was not this way. Home was alive, shouting ‘welcome!’ with every kiss, every brush of a hand. It was difficult, somedays, not to let envy swallow Nina’s already green eyes. Harder still not to scream his name, just so that they might remember she’d once been one of them. One of the lucky ones.

 

            Nina wanted to howl, if only so they all may hear his name again. To prove to herself that she was not the only one who remembered the innumerable ways in which the world was lesser without Matthias Helvar.

 

            It ached, to watch life continue for the rest of them. Life, with all the brilliant intimacies of love that should have been hers. Theirs.

           

            Wylan and Jesper were opening a college of music at the University in the fall. A joint project comprised of their two brilliant hearts. Engaged and recovering from the trap of the tables, Jesper seemed well on his way to adding to the Van Eck-Fahey fortune in his own right. The stock market at the Exchange had proven both a thrill and a genuine talent for the Sharpshooter. Wylan, however shy-natured, was already stepping up in the Merchant’s Council. His succession of Jan had spawned ripples of change in the city. Ripples that could steadily grow tidal alongside Wylan’s blooming confidence.

 

            What Nina noticed most about her two friends was much less honorific, far gentler. It was the way Jesper’s eyes looked for Wylan first whenever he entered a room. It was the quiet tenderness in Wylan’s smile every time his partner looked a fool for the sake of a laugh amongst friends.

 

            Above all, Nina envied the friendly sort of love the two shared. Jesper and Wylan were like two bullets fired from different guns at the same time, pirouetting around each other as they darted toward happily ever after.

 

            Captain of her own ship, Inej Ghafa was cutting down the flesh trade a slice at a time, blinding the world with the flash of her cannons. In the shadows, Kaz Brekker aided the Wraith, funneling secrets with impenetrable loyalty. The Dregs were infamous across seas now, Nina knew. As leader of the gang, Dirtyhands only multiplied in both legend and wealth. It was all but an understatement to say speaking of Kaz and Inej in the same sentence could make a grown druskelle break out in sweat.

 

            None of these things combined could explain the absolute change Nina had witnessed in the two deadliest residents of Ketterdam. Since Nina had returned from the north, she’d observed something she’d once deemed impossible. Nina had seen Kaz Brekker melt for Inej, and somehow, he’d still looked fearsome as a puddle. Inej, her dearest girl, now pointed her toes to kiss her fiancé’s cheek freely, and with such grace that Nina could only call it natural. Only nature could create such utter certainty, such confidence to exist without the fear of judgement.

 

            Kaz and Inej were as faithful to each other as the stars to the night sky. They existed as Dawn and Dusk; each shined in different lights, but witnessing one always brought forth the image of the other. They were a tangle of cosmos, forever entwined.

 

            What I had was special too, Nina thought. A little red bird with black tipped-feathers, and a menacing white wolf with a soft heart. Soldiers of warring peoples, they had brought only peace to one another. Their love had been of lightning strikes, of ship wrecks. Random, and not at all. A pure sort of chaos, a happenstance of harmony. Love, most unexpected. Most welcome.

 

            Nina didn’t dare think his name. Couldn’t bear it as she realized her gaze had settled once more on the painting above her dressing table. Blue and silver spun together to create a tundra, bordered by an icy swash of sea. To most, it was a pretty- if brutal- landscape.

 

            To Nina Zenik, it was a crypt on canvas. The front door of a home she’d lost the keys to.

 

            Nina nearly rubbed her face before remembering the cosmetics she’d just spent half a bell applying, disguising her puffy eyes, deflated cheeks. She glanced at the little clock on the bedside table. Dinner was set to begin soon. Kaz and Inej were going to return to the house.

 

            What was going to happen? The question had buzzed around her mind all day like a determined fly.

 

            That morning, Nina had eaten a sad breakfast with Wylan in the kitchen until Jesper had arrived, hungover and complaining of a kink in his neck from a night spent on a sofa in the High-Wire. Wylan had smiled when Jesper told him that he and Kaz had gone on a drinking spree together, but the sharpshooter hadn’t said much else before dragging himself up to bed for a proper rest.

 

            Nina imagined it had gone well. She hoped Jesper, out of all of them, could get Kaz to open up.

 

            Nina knew Wylan had brought some of that breakfast to the strange new woman, bid her freedom of the house. Welcomed her to join them. Nina also knew Lily had quietly refused, offering thanks but begging the excuse a migraine.

 

            As far as Nina had seen, the girl had not emerged from her room at all since Inej had left her the night before. It was unsettling, odd. Like living in a house full of polite hauntings. Propriety-concerned poltergeists.

 

            Even whilst Nina had spent the majority of the afternoon in the kitchen, spotlighted by stormy light from the windows, she’d kept a steady ear on the rooms beyond. If she hadn’t known Lily was still here by the pipes running from the plumbing, she’d have thought the girl made a run for it.

 

            Not for the first time, Nina wondered how Kaz and Inej knew the redhead. More so, she questioned how they could possibly trust her enough to deposit her here in Wylan and Jesper’s home- essentially the family home of all of them. Shouldn’t they have put Lily up in a hotel? It wasn’t like Kaz to trust someone so much, so quick. Even Inej would not tolerate a stranger in a position of ease to harm any of those she loved.

 

            Would Lily dine with them, tonight? Would she emerge once Kaz returned? Nina thought it might be an excellent opportunity to uncover just what Lily was to aid with on the voyage. To understand just what Jesper had meant when he’d said her eyes had ‘changed’ when the girl had threatened him.

 

            Nina didn’t understand. Had Jesper just seen a trick of the light? All Nina had seen was a deep navy blue, the kind of sea that begged you to sink under the surface, promised you safety and a sky full of white-capped waves. Lily’s eyes were a color Nina had never seen on a person.

 

            What was it Lily had claimed she’d intended to do to Jesper?

 

            Turn him to ash. Summoned by the recollection, goose flesh pricked Nina’s arms.

 

            A soft knock jolted her spine to straighten. “Nina?”

 

            “Come in.” Nina designed her face into a dull sparkle, shaking the troubling course of thought from her mind.

 

            Wylan peeked around the door, kindly not letting his eyes wander to her hoard of stockings just inside. “Kaz and Inej should be here soon, but I wanted to see… well, are you alright?”

 

            Nina knew why he asked. Because of what she’d said to Kaz the night before. Because of her tears afterward, the guilt she’d confessed to Wylan in the kitchen. Her chest tightened, burned. Put on a smile, Neens. “Yes. I’ll be down shortly.”

 

            “Those are good,” Wylan’s gaze settled just beyond her shoulder. She knew what he was looking at. “Jesper and I tried one from the first batch you left in the cupboard.”

 

            “Thanks.” Nina mumbled, smiled tighter than before. They had to be exceptional. Good was not good enough. Not for this.

 

            Wylan gave a hesitant smile before departing, door pulled closed behind him. Alone again, her exhalation was deep and trembling. Her eyes drifted to Wylan’s previous muse. Atop the slim chest of drawers beside her, a pristine white parcel sat. She took a deep breath as she reached out a finger and traced the silky black ribbon crowning the box, tied into a perfect bow. It had taken her a ridiculous amount of time to get it right.

 

            The fabric was precise and symmetrical, straight. That was how Kaz dressed, and she’d give him no sloppy bows.

 

            Guilt flooded her throat, drowning her tongue in heat. She swallowed it back. Nina would make this right. Never again did Nina want to see the look that Kaz had worn in the wake of her words. It had been unnatural on his face, even if he’d hidden it in a matter of seconds. The emotion had taken her a long time to name, for she’d never seen it on the man deemed ‘Dirtyhands.’

 

            Betrayal.

 

            Betrayal had splashed across his ethereal dark eyes, clear as day. It was not as simple as pain or surprise; for in order to feel betrayed, it meant that Kaz Brekker, somewhere along the way, had begun trusting Nina Zenik enough not to wound him.

 

            She’d not meant those crass, accusatory words. Her conversation with Wylan in the kitchen last night had only doubled her surety of it. I can fix it. I can earn that trust again.

 

            I gave you tulips, Brekker. Maybe it doesn’t matter who they were for. Only that you took them from me, kept them.

 

            Nina steeled herself with the thought.

 

            “Well, Trassel,” Nina began as she pushed herself from the stool and marched to the wardrobe. She pulled out two of her favorite dinner dresses. “Shall we go with maroon or violet?”        

 

            The wolf gave a snort at her name, eyes cracked open.

 

            “You’re right. Red is more my color.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            Nina descended the stairs in a swash of maroon velvet, a dress designed to hug her curves. The sleeves were long, tapering to a delicate end at her wrists. Immediately after putting it on, Nina felt more confident. The black lace trim of the scooped neckline offered a stellar glimpse of collar bone, allowed her necklace to shine.

 

            Nina had bought it from a shop in Os Kervo, just before she’d boarded a ship to Fjerda along with the frozen body of the love she’d lost. A delicate silver chain, with a tiny ruby-red starling pendant. It wasn’t from him, but in a way, it was. Nina had used a tiny pittance of Matthias’ sugar money to buy it.

 

            She did not wear it every day, too scared to ruin its magic, somehow. That little red bird was as trapped as she was. Blocked by metal, by bent wings, stiffened by the cold. It was a kinship of stone and silver, strong.

 

            When Nina wore her bird, she felt that maybe, she offered it some of her power. Maybe, the next time she unclasped it from her throat, laid it in the jewelry box beside her bed, that bird flew north as she dreamed.

 

            Bolstered by a corpse witch, her ruby bird would break through the bonds that bound it, shatter understood reality by flying to the loftiest branches of Djel’s ash tree forest. Her heart bird would sing fjerdan love hymns, woven with tiny sparkles of truth- news of Nina’s world.

 

            From the snowy glade below, a Fjerdan man would listen to every word. He’d smile to his family, continue selecting sweaters for Nina to wear upon their reunion.

 

            He’d say “Go, little red bird. Tell her of my love, my peace.”

 

            Nina smoothed her skirt as she walked toward the dining room, touched the pins at her scalp where she’d arranged her brown curls out of her face. Shifting the parcel box under her arm, she checked to make sure her ribbon bow remained just so. The faint clink of glass sounded beyond the door. With a breath beside the fire-filled hearth, Nina pushed on.

 

             Wylan puttered about the dining room, the vestiges of sunset leaking through the glass doors leading to the garden terrace. The storm clouds still loomed in the distance, but sun had broken through to send off the day. Her ginger friend was delicately arranging wine glasses upon the table beside each setting. Wylan had clearly dressed for dinner as well, perhaps they all knew that this meal was both reunion and formal. Or maybe it was just their ages, adulthood making itself known in their family.

 

            The Ice Court felt like far longer than three years ago. It felt like yesterday.

 

            “You look nice.” Nina smiled in the doorway. Straightening, Wylan gave a nod of thanks with a flushed face. Nina thought the umber jacket he wore complimented his hair, the dusky blue of his vest beneath a contrast to his eyes.

 

            “Wy, I can’t find the wine opener—” Inej burst through the kitchen door on the other end of the room, hands tossed up mid-surrender. “Oh, Nina. I didn’t hear you come down.”

 

            In the glassy-warm setting of twilight, Inej looked radiant as ever. A tiny gold ring twinkled in her nose; lashes dusted in soft-looking black kohl. Nina could only smile at the dichotomous beauty of her suli friend’s ensemble. With tight black pants, tucked into heeled boots that reached her thighs, Nina saw the captain. Above, Inej’s torso was wrapped in shimmering green silk, draped over one shoulder to waterfall in an emerald sash down her back. A hint of eyelash black lace peeked out of the silk beside Inej’s bare arm. A small stack of bangles decorated her wrists, gold and silvers mixed.

 

            “It’s in the drawer.” Wylan huffed.

 

            “Find it for me then.” Inej fluttered her eyes at Wylan as he passed, a giggle slipping out under his breath.

 

            “You look lovely, Neens.” Inej smiled softly as the kitchen door swung shut.

 

            “You do, too.” Nina replied, grateful not to feel tension between them currently. Stepping closer to the table, Nina admired Wylan’s floral arrangement of spring blooms he’d cut from the garden that afternoon. She felt the weight of the box under her arm, reminding her of what needed doing. The responsibility she needed to take.

 

            “Thank you.” Inej answered, pacing toward her across the table, hands linked loosely in front of her.

 

            “Did Kaz come with you?” Nina blurted, diverting her eyes to the flowers. She didn’t need to look up, she felt Inej’s surprise well enough.

 

            “Yes. Jesper whisked him away to his study to show him something about the stock market… I think. Economics something or rather. You know, Kaz and Jesper stuff.”

 

            Both of them laughed, shedding hesitant smiles. Nina shifted her box once more, glancing out at the sunset. The sky had turned into a pool of tangerine, islands of gold-flecked clouds.

 

            Wylan returned a moment later, wagging the wine opener in Inej’s smug face.

 

            “If you’ll both excuse me a moment, I’ll be back to help set up anything else in a few minutes if you need, Wy.”

 

            “We got it.” Inej held up a hand, her engagement ring winking with the movement and her smile knowing. Nina nodded, a shiver shaking her exhale.

 

            “He’s more than hard edges.” Inej whispered as Nina turned for the door, Wylan across the room, oblivious. Nina flicked her eyes back, registering Inej’s words of encouragement.

 

            Inej held her gaze. “He’s more than he lets anyone know. Trust me.”

 

            Nina could only nod through her nerves as she marched out of the room, feet carrying her to Jesper’s office.

 

            She found the door cracked, Jesper’s laugh echoing within. Tapping a knock, Nina pushed the wood with a tentative hand.

 

            A merchant’s cliché greeted her. Two suited men clutching lowball glasses above a mahogany desk.

 

            “Pardon the interruption.” Nina said, pairing the words with a subtle clearing of her throat. Jesper’s silver eyes startled up, just as Kaz stilled. Nina could only see his back, seated in a guest chair in front of Jes’ desk. His cane leaned against the armrest, the light catching the silver crow’s skull.

 

            Nina thought the empty eye socket winked at her, but perhaps she was just fishing for hope in ominous places.

 

            “Hello, darling!” Jesper’s eyes softened, gaze subtly darting between herself and Kaz. Jesper was bedecked in sapphire and violet today, a study of precious gems against his rich black complexion. “We didn’t hear you.”

 

            Nina laced a smile over her lips, trying to ignore the rigid stillness of Kaz’s shoulders. “That’s alright,” she mumbled awkwardly. Damnit, Nina. When have you ever allowed fear an ounce of leverage?

 

            A tense moment lapsed. Jesper looked at her expectantly, mouth poised to speak, shattering this spell she’d cast with her presence. Words. An excuse. Something.

 

            Nina opened her mouth. Moths would have had time to fly in and nest before sound actually erupted.

 

            “Kaz.” A single word. His name. Her friend’s name.

 

            “Nina.” He rasped in response but did not turn. It hurt; Nina realized. Her own name hurt to hear from him like this. She was never just “Nina” to Kaz. She’d never realized it, not consciously. To Kaz, for as long as she could recall, she was “Zenik”, like a soldier. From Brekker, it had always felt… respectful. To Kaz, she’d been “Nina love”. “Darling Nina”.

 

            It was then that Nina realized Kaz had always felt like a brother, when he’d called her those things. It was a small thing, a slip in his constructed persona he’d given to Nina freely, before anyone else. A kindness they’d given one another despite their ruthless mocking back and forth.

 

            Jesper downed the remnants of his drink, face a careful blank. It was clear that the sharpshooter was going to make her say it, put voice into her request. He wasn’t going to leave Kaz. Nina could only respect his loyalty. She’d caused this mess, she needed to clean it up.

 

            Glancing at the emerald walls of Jesper’s study, the framed Novyi Zem flag on the wall, Nina drew strength from the little red bird at her neck. This time, she borrowed its power of steel.

 

            “Jesper, would you mind if I speak to Kaz alone for a moment?” Nina asked steadily, by some Ghezen forsaken miracle.

 

            Jesper glanced at Kaz once before he stood, straightening his sapphire lapels. Nina watched as he tipped a bottle of amber over his glass, pouring a splash of spirits in.

 

            As he made for the door, he paused at her side. Jesper lifted her free hand and pressed his tumbler into it. He winked, “Bottoms up, beautiful.”

 

            The bright flash of Jesper’s departing smile left a wake of warm hope in Nina’s chest.

 

            As the door shut, Nina indeed tipped back the whiskey Jesper had proffered. She set the crystal glass down on the bookshelf, walking toward Kaz in the silence.  

 

            “Save it.” Kaz rasped, one hand already wrapped atop his cane.

 

            Bare of gloves, Nina registered. She’d only seen him bare handed a few times, and still, the sight jolted her.

 

            Nina walked around him, stood beside the desk. Her eyes were slow to drag from his pale fingers, up his arm to his stony face. His suit was black, but miraculously, Nina caught the glimmer of an emerald pocket square in his breast-pocket. A near exact match to Inej’s silk top.

 

            Words tangled in her throat, an overly ambitious bite of guilt.

 

            Kaz’s eyes flicked up to her, dark as ever. Colder, too. No, she thought, cold wasn’t exactly it. Guarded.

 

            Nina gently pulled the parcel she’d carried from under her arm, placed it in front of him on the desk. Kaz’s gaze tracked the movement, both of them staring down at the box for more than a few heartbeats.

 

            “What is that?” Kaz asked finally.

 

            “For you.” Nina whispered, fiddling with her necklace.

 

            Just as Kaz reached for the box, Nina realized the ribbon was askew. Her hand darted to adjust the little bow, heart sinking.

 

            Kaz lifted a dark brow, hand still poised mid-air as she finished her silly task. “It was crooked,” she explained, voice a tad higher than usual. “It can’t be crooked.”

 

            “Why?” he asked, pulling the parcel into his lap, gazing down in confusion.

 

            “Because you—” Nina shook her head, gestured her wrist wildly. “Because your ties are always straight, and I thought perhaps you harbored a severe allergy to asymmetry.”

 

            Kaz’s eyes flashed up, brows furrowed. “Then I’d be dead, I think.”

 

            Nina gaped, “What? Why?”

 

            He patted his bad leg. “Not exactly even at all, am I?”

 

            Nina stared at him, jaw slack. “Was… was that a joke?”

 

            Kaz shrugged, eyeing the parcel in his lap. “How long did it take you to make it this perfect?”

 

            Nina shook her head rapidly, “Classified.”

 

            Kaz watched her, his lips trembled once at the corner. Nina was imagining things. He was not concealing a smile… a grimace, maybe. Yes. That was Brekker-brand.

 

            Kaz flicked his wrist, dropping a tiny blade from his jacket sleeve. Nina didn’t understand what he was doing until he carefully cut at the ribbon on the box, leaving her bow perfectly intact rather than untying it. He slipped the bow into his pocket with gentle fingers, oblivious to the confusion she was certain laid splattered across her face.

 

            Kaz Brekker was saving her stupid bow. Because she told him she’d worked hard on it. And he said nothing about it. No jibes or insults. No mocking remarks at her wasted effort.

 

            Nina shifted uneasily on her feet as Kaz removed the top of the box. The scent of fresh baked sweets circled them, sugary temptation.

 

            “Cookies?” Kaz squinted at the box brimming with near perfect circles of confectionary olive branches. “Did you give me the wrong box? I don’t want to get slaughtered because I touched one of your sweets.”

 

            Nina rolled her eyes, this was the Kaz she knew.

 

            “No,” she sighed. “They are for you. I made them.”

 

            Kaz inhaled once, frowning. “What kind?”

 

            Nina looked at her hands rather than meet his eye. “Anise,” she gave him a hesitant glance. “When… back when I was at the White Rose, you always stole licorice sticks from my candy jar. So, I started saving them for you, for when you came to rope me into jobs. I also saw the wrappers on your desk at the Slat, from the candy shoppe on Eldstraat. I figured it was your favorite, so I… well, I had this recipe from an old cook at the Little Palace for peppermint cookies… and I just replaced the ground peppermint candies with licorice.”

 

            In his silence, Nina found courage enough to look up. Kaz was silent because he was chewing a cookie.

 

            “It is my favorite.” Kaz finally said, voice a quiet rasp. “I didn’t know you saved the licorice for me.”

 

            “Well, you are the only demjin I know who has a sweet tooth. Who else was I going to give it to?” Nina smiled, leaning her hip against the desk.

 

            “So, it’s not because I’m special?” Kaz blinked, lips faltering between a smirk and a glare.

 

            “If you flutter your eyelashes at me again, I’m going to tell Inej you flirted mercilessly with me.” Nina said, half concealing a surprised chuckle.

 

            Kaz nodded, his expression changing slowly as he looked down at his cookies. He looked at the simple gift like it might disappear.

 

            Like it was never real at all.

 

            Like… like he didn’t deserve it.

 

            “Kaz,” Nina began, “I owe you more than cookies.”

 

            His face hardened as if he’d simply reached atop his head to drag a mask back into place. As if he were Mr. Crimson, remembering his part in the komedie brute. Nina did not let it deter the words that bubbled like acid on her tongue, needing to be spit out lest she burn.

 

            “What I said last night… I need you to know I did not, have not, and will never mean them. I… I spoke with anger and frustration, with no respectability,” Nina hesitated, trying to get this right. “I know how little you care for sentiment, but you deserve better than that. Better than being a scapegoat for my pain or anyone else’s.”

 

            Kaz was gently shutting the lid of his box, but she knew he was listening. She could see his eyes moving, taking each word she tossed and inspecting it in the light of his mind for trickery and honesty alike.

 

            “The truth is…” Nina straightened her shoulders, hiding her emotion behind a prim sniff of her nose. “The truth is that I’m terrified for this voyage, frustrated that Wylan and Jesper know next to nothing. But more than anything, I’m still so fucking angry, Kaz.”

 

            At this, his eyes met hers. He held her there, somehow encouraging her to keep going.

 

            “Kaz… I’m jealous to the point of rage. I’m filled with it. I see Wylan and Jesper every day, see them just… live. Together and moving forward. I see the way Inej looks at you when you laugh, and I shrink inside despite my real happiness for all of you. Somedays, it feels like I exist on the edge of life. I watch you all, knowing I can’t look over and see Matthias next to me. It hurts. It aches to exist where no one can reach out for me, too.” Nina’s eyes were pooling, she pressed a gentle fingertip to the corners, trying to preserve her makeup. “I spoke out of malice, because it feels unfair. Like a terrible joke.

 

            “I’m sorry, Kaz. I’m sorry I spewed that unfairness back to you. You are a lot of things, but deserving of that accusation has never been one of them.”

 

            Her confessions echoed in the space for a tiny eternity, swirling plumes of tragedy.

 

            “I know what that’s like, Zenik.” Kaz said finally. His voice was softer, kinder than she’d ever heard it. “I know what it’s like to lurk in doorways and know I can’t go nearer. I know what it’s like to feel your gut sink at something as simple as a hug.” He paused, throat bobbing on a swallow. “I watched Inej get wrapped in your arms or Jesper’s. I watched you with Matthias and sometimes I thought I was swallowing glass.

 

            “Living in the peripheral aches. I am lucky I don’t straddle that line anymore.”

 

            “How do I fix it, Kaz?” Nina sniffled, no longer trying to hide the tears. “Inej came back. I can’t… He can’t.”

 

            Kaz stood, and for a moment, Nina didn’t know what he was doing. Not until a cookie was in front of her mouth. It was the closest Kaz had ever come to touching her willingly. She stared up into his black eyes, sun streaked across them.

 

            She’d never believed Inej when she’d said his eyes held gold in the sunlight. They weren’t blue, her favorite, but Nina could admit they were pretty.

 

            “You’re right. You lost someone that no one can replace. I know that, because while not the same, I have felt that. My brother.” Kaz swallowed again, but he pressed on. “Rage is but a label, Zenik. Rage is nothing but energy. Put it toward better things. You can’t fix what happened, but you can fix you. I won’t spew some bullshit about time healing things. It’s a lie. But…

 

            “You can eat cookies. You can owe up to your shit like you just did. It’s a start. My start was similarly unremarkable.”

 

            “What was it?” Nina asked warily, barely registering all that Kaz was confessing.

 

            “I took off a glove.”

 

            Nina bit the cookie.

 

            If Kaz could take off a glove, she could eat the cookie.

Notes:

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Chapter summary (again):

Nina: my love language is culinary

Kaz: ur real for that

Chapter 165: Hidden Aces

Summary:

Some laughter.

Notes:

CHAPTER 165!!!!

Hello all! I am back with the next part!!! I hope you love it- this is part of about 3 chapters that I elected to break up for my own sanity & bc they are important on their own. <3 i do hope you love this bc I certainly do... I actually think this might have some of my best writing, but that will probably change by the time I reread it lol. <3 Enjoy!!!

Thank you forever, my lovely readers. You really are the best. I know I say it every time but I do mean it. <3

Let me know what you think?? Ya'll ready for what's to come??????? I AM TOTALLY NOT FREAKING OUT ABOUT IT & NOT HAVING A REALLY HARD TIME NOT SPOILING MY OWN STORY BY TELLING YOU ABOUT IT. I'm really totally chill about it. I'd love to read your thoughts in the comments! I miss you and ily.

"Chasing Cars" cover by Sleeping At Last (the kanej. My heart)

KAZ

 

            Emotions were terrible business. It disgusted some part of Kaz Brekker, just how relieved he was to see Nina smile at him again. Absolutely horrifying warmth had simmered in his chest when she’d handed him a box of anise cookies- that she’d made for him. By hand. By hand! Horrendous. Delicious, and now his favorite dessert in the entire world, but the sentiment stood.

 

            He should have written a clause into his contract with himself regarding ‘healing’. Emotions should have been limited, finite. Jesper and Inej. His life would be easier.

 

            No. Instead, the cracked open husk of his heart had gone and swelled like benevolent cancer, gorged itself on friendships and family. Too many names.

 

            For fucks’ sake. Nikolai Lantsov had even wormed himself a tiny corner section of the page worth of people Kaz now cared for. Maybe I need to find a new job, Kaz thought. Something illegal, well paid and atrociously high odds of violence.

           

            “Kaz?” Nina called from the doorway to Jesper’s office, a hand on the knob.

 

            He shook himself straight, tucked the box of cookies under his arm. He’d assumed she was waiting for him, but on his approach, Nina did not open the door. She turned back to him fully, words clearly working their way to her mouth.

 

            “What?” Kaz snapped. It lacked any real bite. How could he revert to genuine callousness when the Corpse Witch had just buffed any protective layer right off the top of his flesh?

 

            “I didn’t know you had a brother,” Nina whispered, swallowed thickly. “I know you don’t want to talk about it, or you would be. But thank you for telling me and…”

 

            He braced himself for the inevitable words. The ‘I’m sorry’ that was society’s way of dealing with the dead. Nina had no reason not to offer them, she was trying to be kind. Kaz thought he might wince despite her genuine effort. He didn’t understand the baseless platitude, never had.

 

            Kaz still couldn’t find it within himself to regret offering Nina the knowledge of his brother, not when she’d given such stark confessions of her own. He’d not given a story, or even a name, only a sliver of his armor. Yet maybe Zenik had earned that much from him. Maybe he owed his friend that much.

 

            “And I hope he liked tulips.” Nina said instead, pausing to lock her eyes on his. Surprise was a refreshing splash upon his cheeks. “I doubt Matthias cared enormously for flowers in truth, but perhaps one of our ghosts might enjoy the scent of our meager grave tithes.”

 

            Her smile was curious, part sad, but more Nina than Kaz had seen in a long while.

 

            Kaz didn’t plan the words, simply said them. “Tulips bloomed near our childhood home. He always liked them.”

 

            Nina’s smile stretched, green eyes shining. She didn’t push him; didn’t tell him she was glad. Nina simply showed him, with a grin and a turn of the doorknob.

 

            “Shall we, Brekker?” Nina asked.

 

            Kaz didn’t answer for a moment, instead he ducked a hand into his pocket for his gloves. He slipped the leather over his skin, a methodical movement.

 

            Later, Kaz still wouldn’t know why he did it. Only that it didn’t scare him anymore, not with a jacket and gloves. Not with Zenik, his friend, who was as loyal as they came.

 

            Ravka and Helvar were lucky to have her. So was Kaz. So were the rest of them. Inej. Wylan and Jesper.  

 

            Kaz offered Nina his arm. Her surprise was evident with a second’s hesitation, still she took his offer with a grin, a bright flash of teeth. Her hand laid on his sleeve, a light pressure and… not at all bothersome.  

 

            “You know, Kaz, this is exactly what people imagine when they hear our monickers.” Nina hummed as they ambled down the dim hall toward the front of the house. Not quite in sync, but Kaz supposed only Inej knew his gait well enough to match.

 

            “What do you mean?” Kaz returned, intrigued.

 

            “They hear ‘Corpse Witch’ and picture me walking arm in arm with the devil. They hear ‘Dirtyhands’ only to imagine you toting around hell at your fingertips.”

 

            A true laugh escaped Kaz unexpectedly, followed by Nina’s own amused chuckles.

 

            That was how they entered the dining room. Two hellish outcasts, red-faced and giggling at their own damnation.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            “I take it you’ve found peace with Nina?” Inej surmised as he lingered in the dining room. Nina had just disappeared through the kitchen doors, following Wylan to the cellar in search of a bottle of kvas to pair with dinner. Jesper could be heard in the kitchen as well, hollering suggestions of ‘expensive & vintage’ down the basement staircase. Kaz suspected it was to smite Jan Van Eck. Needless to say, Jesper’s notion had Kaz’s full backing.

 

            Fuck Jan and his gawdy tie pins. May he rot amongst his fellows- the urine stains on the floors of Hellgate Prison. Both smelled, both forgotten by those who had left them there.

 

            Kaz turned his attention to the bright light before him, instead.

 

            For a stolen moment, he had Inej Ghafa all to his greedy self. She was always picturesque to Kaz- but they both knew her figure draped in real suli silk could bring him to his knees, lustful prayers uttered the whole way down.

 

             Maybe it all boiled down to the simple facts of his life. Starved of her touch for years, Inej in silk was a tactile daydream for a man accustomed to metal.

 

            After all, it made sense. Surely even the most fearsome of demons still longed for the graze of gentle feathers, a burning sweep of the wings they’d lost. A saccharine taste of freedom they’d forsaken with Sin and her darling dark dalliances.

 

            He was a sinner, and here she was- his wings. His softness and his strength.

 

            “What gave it away?” Kaz smirked as he set his box of cookies on the table next to the place setting at the end. Wylan would sit at the seat across from him on the opposite head, he knew. The place of power here belonged to their merchant friend. Privately, at every gathering he attended in this mansion, Kaz thought of how well that seat suited Wylan Van Eck. A just and intelligent man with more worth than his father tenfold.

 

            “The conspiratorial giggling- for one,” Inej waltzed closer to him from across the room. Her hips swayed intentionally, in a way that was synonymously flirtatious and expertly predatorial.

 

            Ghezen damn me.

 

            “And for two?” Kaz rasped, settling his cane against the lip of the mahogany dining table.

 

            “For two…” Inej trailed off as she neared him, stepping right into his orbit, as fearless as a siren and he the lost ship. Inej reached up, tapped her ring finger gently to his cheek. “This.”

 

            “What?” Kaz sputtered, thrown so easily off kilter by her nearness. By his subtle inhale of her perfume. Pine and star jasmine. He knew for certain, for he’d inspected the hand-labeled bottle himself- right before spritzing empty air with it. Only when necessary. When he’d missed her. During a panic attack in Ravka. When he’d needed her- needed home. Kaz doubted she knew of this small self-soothing habit he’d acquired. Certainly, Inej could not know how much safety was linked to the fragrance for him. How intoxicating it was, just to know which perfume she preferred.

 

            At seventeen, Kaz had been convinced Inej possessed no scent- that she’d somehow mastered an inhuman level of anonymity. That Kaz would never believe the things the elder version could tell him. The smallest confession would have knocked that angry boy off his ass. Something as small as Inej sleeps on the left side of our bed.

 

            The image he conjured of his younger self would shake his head vehemently yet let his eyes drift to the windowsill. That boy would attempt to break his hope like a fever, all while searching for it in the single spot of warmth in his gray world.

 

            Lucky for the man Kaz was today, that boy had kept looking.

 

            “Your dimple.” Inej smiled up at him now, heeled boots bringing her a bit higher than usual. He suspected she’d said it once already, based on the quizzical lift of her brows. Kaz couldn’t help but let his gaze slide down her, from the cascade of her black waves to the emerald silk hugging her chest.

 

            “Zenik and I understand each other better.” Kaz confirmed her observation, voice rougher than usual. He didn’t want to talk about other people. His hands were already moving, gliding around Inej’s waist, slipping to the small of her spine to bring her closer. She allowed it, an indulgent smirk lingering on her lips.

 

            “What are you doing?” Inej asked as he brought her front flesh to his. Her arms had already followed suit, snaking around his neck, warm fingers toying in his hair.

 

            “Nothing.” Kaz whispered, ducking his head to leave a kiss at her throat, right atop the flutter of her pulse. He let one hand slide down to her ass, covered in those damn pants he’d watched her wiggle on in their bedroom earlier that afternoon. He’d come close to begging her to let him take them right back off.

 

            “Mmm,” Inej hummed as his lips trailed up her jaw. “I believe this is exactly what you were trying to do before we left home.”

 

            “I came to dinner, didn’t I?” Kaz said against her skin, hardly caring if anyone walked in at the moment. “Besides, you could have let me do this at home, but you were the one who claimed there was no time. We both could have won, mera nadra.”

 

            “Kaz,” Inej whispered as he let his teeth graze her ear, all throaty and breathless. His hand squeezed her backside.

 

            “Inej,” He responded gruffly. His whole body resisted temptation by tenuous command at best.

 

            Her head turned, lips capturing his, hands pulling him down. Closer. Her fingers knotted in his hair as she ran her tongue across the seam of his mouth, teasing and fully commanding.

 

            It felt like an eternity since he’d last kissed her this way. He supposed he hadn’t, since leaving Lij. Desperate sparks flared in his ribcage, a bomb begging to detonate.

 

            His stomach flipped in that pleasant sort of way. Kaz wasn’t sure his body would ever quite catch up to the truth of his life now- that Inej could touch, and he could touch back. That these moments were not addled fantasies conjured only in dreams that eventually turned nightmarish in nature.

 

            Kaz pressed Inej backward, her legs bumping the table and sending the wineglasses shaking. She smiled against his lips. He didn’t know when his hand had moved, cradling the back of her head. All he wanted to focus on was the sweet little noise in the back of her throat that erupted when he tugged on her lower lip.

 

            She couldn’t be leaving. She had to come back. He stole giggles from her tongue while deceiving her lips to believe he was after her smile.

 

            With each hour that passed closer to Inej’s departure, emotions with terribly sharp teeth bit down harder upon his conscious. He tried to tell her all of them silently, with the slant of his mouth over hers.

 

            I am bereft without you. My mind is littered with darkness, cluttered to the brim with voids overlapping. But you.

 

            You poked holes with your heart arrows, created pinpricks of light to guide me.

 

            You gave me the night sky and called me a moon worthy of your tides.

 

            Existence is a vast, vile place; littered with demons you were meant to slay (I know because you’ve gone and grappled mine). None of this terrifies me as much as what I will become if the world does not return you to me. Life and Death will beg my forgiveness on their knees. I will repeat words I once spoke.

 

            “My Wraith would counsel mercy.”

 

            “Kaz?” Inej pulled back from him, breathless. His forehead leaned against hers, air hissing between his teeth. Come back, he thought with his eyes still tightly shut. Her lips pressed against the corner of his mouth, a coaxing little kiss. He felt the concern in it, the want for more and the confusion. “Look at me.”

 

            Kaz opened his eyes. Her lips were kiss-stung, smile wide. He couldn’t move. Why had she stopped him?

 

            “We’re going to get caught.” Inej smirked, her fingers scratching lightly at his scalp.

 

            “Are you complaining?” Kaz quipped lowly. It was hard to speak when his heart was stuck halfway up his throat, a bloody mess reaching for her. It had been sudden, this new panic he’d felt just now in their kiss. It was raw, overwhelming.

 

            “No. I do need to breathe however, shevrati.” Inej kissed him again, a playful peck followed by another and another until his lips were stretched into a grin he could not help. Apparently, his smile was all it took for her.

 

            She grabbed him by his tie, and this time, it was Kaz who found himself pinned against the table. He didn’t remember how it happened, only that he was glad his front was hidden from sight of the kitchen door a moment later- when a very distinct clearing of a throat rang through the room.

 

            “You know, I did give you a bedroom in this house. It is far more comfortable than the dining table.” Wylan chuckled. Inej’s face was crimson, buried against Kaz’s neck. He turned to look over his shoulder, arms still around her waist. She made no move to remove herself from him either. They were twin shields for one another, shameless.

 

            “I don’t think you can talk, darling. We both know what this room has seen.” Jesper chirped from behind his fiancé. Wylan’s face ignited to match Inej’s in impressive time.

 

            “Ha!” Inej proclaimed with shy triumph, pointing a finger in Wylan’s general direction without actually looking.

 

            “Inej!” Wylan gasped. “The betrayal!”

 

            Inej peeked over Kaz’s shoulder, he tightened his hands on her waist- mostly for his own balance. He didn’t actually want to put weight on the table, even if he was fairly certain it was the same piece of furniture he’d once fallen on top of. Inej gave Wylan a devious smirk.

 

            “Oh, that’s brave of you,” sneered Wylan, ire belayed by his clearly restrained smile. “You have a Kaz wall in front of you. Come out here and face me!”

 

            “No.” Inej snickered, snuggling deeper into the fortress made of Kaz’s own body.

 

            “Kaz and I just don’t give a fuck, you two blush.” Jesper whistled as he walked into the room, tossing a bottle of wine between his hands.

 

            “True.” Kaz nodded.

 

            “Who’s blushing?” Nina appeared behind Wylan, smoothing her skirts from the trek up the stairs.

 

            “Inej. Because she was half on top of Kaz on the dining table.” Wylan answered. Inej choked an incredulous curse in suli under her breath. Kaz reluctantly let her go when she wiggled.

 

            “I was not!” Inej huffed, smoothing her silk where it had ridden up her midriff. “I was just…” A flick of her wrist at Kaz.

 

            “Climbing me?” Kaz smirked as he plucked up his cane and stood straight.

 

            Inej’s eyes narrowed on him as Jesper clapped his hands through a fit of raving laughter, “Bravo, Kaz!”

 

            “Inej, darling, might I point out the beautiful butter knives I laid out?” Wylan chirped. “If you handle Jesper too, I’ll marry you. We can be rich AND unbothered. Though I do think we’ll need to adopt any children.”

 

            Inej’s giggle was deadly. A dart of warmth struck Kaz’s chest.

 

            “You would let me die by butter knife?” Jesper frowned with no small level of dramatic emphasis.

 

            “I’m still focused on the fact that Kaz’s hair is pointing about seven different directions. You got him good, ‘Nej.” Nina piped up.

 

            Kaz ran an annoyed hand over his head, glaring at Inej. She shrugged.

 

            “Fair is fair, mera chaar. We both know whose hands moved first.”

 

            “Of course it was him; I mean look at you!” Nina beamed at Inej, wagging an eyebrow.

 

            Jesper leaned toward Kaz, “Just to be exceedingly helpful, Inej has received both a marriage proposal- rude by the way, Merchling- and flirtatious invitation by a gorgeous woman. I thought you might appreciate the tally of competition.”

 

            Kaz rolled his eyes as Inej nodded with exaggerated thoughtfulness. He gave her a pointed look, conveying his point easily. “Really?”

 

            “Unfortunately,” Inej sighed dramatically as she waltzed closer to him once more, “I am quite attached to my traitorous climbing wall.”

 

            Tears sparkled at the corners of Nina and Jespers eyes from laughing so hard. Wylan looked pretty damn close, too.

 

            Kaz didn’t mind being the target of their joke. All he heard was the laugh, felt it vibrating through his own chest as Inej leaned back into him.

 

                                                           

 

 

 

 

            A gentle knock on the doorframe to the living room jolted the joviality to stop, eyes to turn.

 

            “Sorry to interrupt.” Lily said softly, linking her hands in front of herself. Kaz swallowed, posture straightening.

 

            He’d invited her to dinner, when he and Inej first arrived a bell ago. Yet, in that stilted silent conversation at her cracked open door, Kaz had felt the sharp points of unsaid words between them.

 

            In truth, Kaz hadn’t known if she’d want to sit through a meal with him after the way they’d parted. What she’d said to him the night before. Her anger with him had been clear.

 

            Now, Kaz realized the insanity of this moment. Lily Arbor, the sister-in-law he should have had, stood in the doorway of Wylan Van Eck’s dining room. She wore a dress of shimmering charcoal satin, deep red hair loose around her face. Her eyes were unreadable, steady as she looked at each of them.

 

            Lily, standing in this room, felt to Kaz like he’d miscounted cards at a high-stakes table. Like he’d tucked a spare ace up his sleeve and forgotten to use it when it mattered. There that card had laid, for a decade, waiting for him to be brave enough to face it.

 

            His deck had been miscalculated. Her addition could change the game.

 

            This, Kaz realized, was about to be absolutely fucking terrifying.

Notes:

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Come say hi! <3

Chapter summary:

kaz w nina: elw emotions yUcK

*kaz sees Inej for .25s*

kaz: fuck i love being in love w u

Chapter 166: Begin Again

Summary:

A storm.

Notes:

CHAPTER 166!!!!!!

HELLO ALL. GOSH. HI. I'm back!!! Okay, so. I'm sorry I've been gone a bit, but it took me quite a while to write this chapter, to get it right. Not only that, but it is actually what I initially planned to be 2-3 chapters put together. It's over 11k words... YES. I KNOW. I know some prefer shorter updates, but this switches POVs multiple times and there are good places to pause if you need to! <3 BUT... I really put my heart into this one. It's been a very very long haul to get here, and I think the next one will be just as important. It's a project of passion, this beast. I am certain I'd still probably edit it for a week if I don't finally stop myself. I just... this is big. Both story wise, but also because this is a big milestone chapter for DWOD.

Last week, this story crossed over 750k reads. 3/4 of a million. I cannot believe that, wrap my mind around it. When I say that your support means everything to me, I don't say it lightly. You guys have changed my life in so many ways, and I don't really know where I'd be without you. You've saved me, changed me, brightened me. Thank you forever and a day, and I know this chapter is late, but I hope you feel my gratitude in these words. I love you all, and thank you for making my writing part of your lives these past two years. You really have no idea how much I wish I could personally thank each of you. <3

I'm dying to know what you think. I'm terrified this isn't as good as I wanted it to be, imagined it to be, but I could really use the thoughts of you guys to fuel me. <3 I love you, please leave a comment if you have the time & I'm desperately trying to carve time out to be down there responding for this huge celebratory chapter/milestone. <3 xoxo.

thank you again. You saved me.

Two song Reccs this time: "The Archer" by Taylor Swift (the 'i do.', you'll see what I mean.) & "you'd never know" by BLU EYES (this is Lily's song.)

INEJ

 

            Dying daylight dashed across the Van Eck dining room, leaping in gold streaks across Lily’s hair, peeking through the tresses in smirks of deep maroon. As if simply to be contrary, shadow crept up Kaz’s tailored edges, darkening his shadow across the floor.

 

            “Pardon my tardiness,” Lily began with a soft clear of her throat, “I actually came down a few minutes ago, but when I opened the door, it seemed a rather… intimate gathering.”

 

            Lily’s lips quivered into a knowing smirk, sending heat straight to Inej’s own cheeks. It was obvious that Lily meant the loss of inhibition she and Kaz had just experienced. Had they truly not even heard the door open?

 

            Worse, Lily pulled a small kerchief from the end of one of her satin gloves that reached her elbow. She pushed the fabric in the air toward Inej. “Your lip stain is smudged.”

 

            Nina’s hushed giggles and Wylan’s covering cough were not enough to hide Inej’s shaking ‘thanks’ as she took the offering. Kaz’s cheeks remained pale as ever, but Inej spotted the patches of crimson at the tips of his ears. Lily was like an older sister to him, after all.

 

            “Your dress is exquisite!” Nina said, stepping further into the room. Inej didn’t need to look to know that Kaz was already translating the compliment to Lily.

 

            “Thank you,” Lily answered with a warm smile, turning her eyes directly to Nina to better read her lips.

 

            “You just happened to pack something that pretty?” Nina gestured a hand. “It’s got to be real satin, there’s not even a crease!”

 

            Inej appraised Lily’s dress as she subtly tucked the kerchief into her own pocket, berry-hued mess successfully removed from her chin. It was a shimmering charcoal silk, form fitting until it hit Lily’s knees and cascaded loosely to the floor. The top was held by thin straps, leaving freckled shoulders bare beneath the seemingly lazy fall of smooth red curls. Inej noticed the back of the gown was almost entirely baring, to the small of the back. It truly was a work of art, down to the tiny stitches in the fabric, sparkling silver thread in complicated whirls that caught the light with even the barest movement.

 

            Lily seemed to restrain a wince before answering Nina. “It was mostly foisted upon me by a… friend, who hoped I might find the time to wear it in the city.”

 

            Inej glanced at Kaz, whose jaw ticked slightly. It was a conclusion they’d both drawn, then. Lily’s gown was almost certainly an Emilia Winstrad original.

 

            “Well, welcome!” Wylan grinned, gesturing to the waiting table. “I’m afraid we don’t cook much ourselves without the staff around, but I did order out for us. Everything’s ready in the kitchen. Jes and I will bring it out.”

 

            Lily seemed overwhelmed but managed to offer a kind smile to both Jesper and Wylan before they departed for the kitchen, bickering good naturedly on the way.  

 

            For a moment, Kaz and Lily stared at one another. Inej and Nina did the same, flicking glances back and forth. Who’s going to start the fight? Nina’s eyes seemed to ask.

 

            My money’s split fifty-fifty, Neens. I’m quite certain we should either start drinking or bolt.

 

            Kaz blinked rapidly, straightening his lapels. Lily, too, looked as if she were knocking a thought from her head as she brushed a lock of hair behind her ear.

 

            “Is there… do people have preferred spots?” Lily asked, hands moving in tandem as she neared the table hesitantly.

 

            “Wylan sits at the head, Jesper prefers to be next to his fiancé, so Kaz normally sits here at the other end- I suspect so he and Wylan can more easily judge the rest of us. Inej and I swap depending on the occasion and who is currently dampening our moods.” Nina answered lightly, sweeping her wrist above the chairs.

 

            Lowering her voice to a false whisper, Nina added “Somehow, Inej chooses a spot beside Kaz every time- if you can believe it with his attitude.”

 

            Kaz rolled his eyes at Nina, but Inej noticed his hand stealthily plucking a cookie from his box on the table. Wylan had mentioned Nina had baked for him, but to see Kaz’s sweet tooth break strict protocol in public was another thing entirely. They must be good cookies.

 

            “I cannot.” Lily answered, “Believe it, that is.”

 

            A noise escaped Kaz, one that could have been a laugh if it weren’t for the cookie crammed between his teeth. Inej moved her hand to lace with his, smoothing a circle into the center of his palm. She knew, no matter how well this was going, Kaz’s nerves were amplified.

 

            She could feel them, seeping through his gloves like electric moisture. Inej herself felt rather like a scrap of silk hung on a line in the midst of a hurricane- yet held pride for the way she was managing to keep it together.

 

            Kaz helped. His hand in hers, gloved or not, felt like an anchor in safe harbor.

 

            A few moments later, the four of them were settled at the table, Kaz at the end and Inej beside him to the right. Lily sat beside her, Nina directly across. Inej could see Trassel out in the fenced back garden where her mistress had deposited her for the meal. The wolf’s snow-white fur gleamed under the sunset as she darted after a rotund city squirrel.  

 

            Inej felt the desire for wine as she always did when she clocked the empty chair beside Nina. Matthias had never gotten the chance to fill it, to dine with them all in this civilized luxury. None of them ever spoke of it, yet Inej couldn’t help but notice Lily’s obvious choice in seat- decidedly not the one beside Nina.

 

            As if she knew a phantom druskelle lingered. Saints, Matthias. You would have been proud of our ability to dress for a proper meal! Sit at a table that isn’t comprised of a crypt!

 

            “So, a friend foisted that beautiful dress upon you?” Nina grinned at Lily; chin propped on a fist. The redhead clearly saw the words directed to her as she folded her hands in her lap, pink lapping at her cheekbones. “Inej, we need to rearrange our best friend contract. You have not once forced pretty dresses into my hands.”

 

            Inej pursed her lips, feeling Kaz’s mischievous eyes on her profile. “Forgive me, Neens. I always thought you said my presence alone was gift enough for any occasion.”

 

            “It is.” Kaz answered before Nina could finish her astonished gasp. Wings fluttered furiously in Inej’s diaphragm, heightened by the bullet-quick wink he shot her.

 

            “To be fair,” Lily began slowly, “my friend is actually a designer, so I suspect she has easier access to ludicrously luxurious gowns than Inej. Try not to hold it against her.”

 

            Inej beamed at Nina across the table, noticing the way Lily’s blue eyes seemed to crackle with life. It was odd, Inej realized, that she’d not quite noticed the absence of it in Lily’s face since departing Lij. Inej didn’t know her well enough for that- yet could certainly spot the difference when it- life- returned to the mortician’s eyes.

 

            Isn’t that how it was, though? You could never quite pin down what ‘alive’ meant until it was splashed across another’s face. In truth, weren’t they all going about living like early astronomers? Gazing at faces like stars, and naming the constellations found in laugh lines, the sparkle of an indigo iris or the crooked smirk of soft lips?

 

            All for the chance that another might look at your own uncharted face- uncover a sliver of peace or life or hope. “That’s it. Right there- life.”

 

            “A designer!” Nina screeched with delight. “Anyone famous?”

 

            Inej noticed the slight tilt of Kaz’s chin, an interest in the answer that Nina might not decipher. She too wondered just what Lily might answer. Kaz’s aunt had hinted at a reputation in the fashion world, both in and out of the major Kerch cities- but just how impactful was her reach?

 

            “Famous?” Lily’s lips twitched. “I fear I cannot answer that honestly. She might hear the words on the wind and her head will grow even larger. She’s my friend, wouldn’t want her neck to snap under the weight.”

 

            Nina’s eyebrows wiggled. “Give me a name and I’ll tell you if she’s famous. For I would be a decent test- I’m both fashion enthusiast and I’ve been away from Kerch often. If I’ve heard of her- she’s clearly distinguished.”

 

            Inej became a sandwich between two stiff postures. Kaz and Lily. The mortician’s eyes slid slowly to Kaz, hidden under the guise of adjusting her hair. Kaz’s mouth cut a sharp slant across his face, gloved hands twitching to sign in his lap. Lily had agreed to share nothing of Kaz’s family. Nothing of her real connection to him. Inej remembered the way Lily’s eyes had squinted at his request, shimmering with something that could have been disappointment- or sheer sadness.

 

            “I fear maybe I’m not-" Lily began, words halted by the swish of the kitchen door, the rickety wheels of a dinner cart being pushed out by Wylan and Jesper. Twin grins lit their faces, happy to host eternally. A pang of love echoed beneath Inej’s sternum.

 

            Inej let out a slow breath as Nina promptly forgot her line of question, already grabbing for the basket of dinner rolls on the edge of the cart. Jesper batted her hands away as a relative feast was unfolded before them.

 

            Wylan had clearly outdone his ordering of dinner. Steaks dressed in juices and hatted in green sprigs of thyme and rosemary. A salad sprinkled with cherry sized tomatoes. A regular ship-sized dish of steaming potatoes. Fresh Kerch trout blanketed by lemon slices. An entire platter of buttery pastries and sweet almond paste.

 

            “Saints, Wy.” Inej breathed, her mouth already watering. When was the last time she’d felt this hungry? Even her nerves relinquished the reins to her stomach. “I fear you paid a ransom for this much food.”

 

            “No. Jesper flirted with the chef at Lanke’s. I got a severe discount.” Wylan’s eyes narrowed on the sharpshooter.

 

            “What? We paid for a waffle dinner and got five courses of gourmet!” Jesper threw up his hands with a shrug. “Even you, my lovely Financial district reformee, can attest to the useful diversities of my charm.”

 

            Wylan’s cheeks pinkened as Jesper’s arm slung around him, his lips pressed to the Mercher’s auburn hair.

 

            “In which case,” Lily spoke up as she reached for the corkscrew beside the bottles of wine, “I will thank the hosts for both your charm and hospitality… and offer no kruge to pay you back for such a meal.”

 

            Kaz’s rough chuckle prompted Inej to turn her head, finding his glass already held aloft in wait for Lily’s pour.

 

            “Friends don’t pay friends for food.” Nina beamed, Wylan and Jesper nodding along as they took their seats at the table.

 

            “Good thing too- or you’d owe us a fortune, Zenik.” Kaz smirked. “But I suppose the cookies are acceptable enough for me to clear the tab of meals I’ve supplied on jobs.”

 

            Lily was setting the bottle down, Kaz’s waiting glass still perfectly empty. She smirked at Kaz’s frown, teasing him the way a sibling might. He glared- a fierce set of his mouth that had sent more than one grown man to his terrified knees.

 

            Lily ignored him with a roll of her eyes, unbothered entirely. With faux effort, the redhead lifted the bottle to his glass. She poured slower than strictly necessary.

 

            “Saints, you didn’t even balk under the look.” Nina observed. A roll laid half buttered on her plate, a silver knife forgotten in her fingers. Her green eyes were wide with more than a pinch of genuine surprise. Inej couldn’t help but notice the slight tilt of Wylan’s chin as well, his brows furrowed. Suspicion.

 

            “Oh,” Lily stammered, glancing at Kaz. He sipped his wine before meeting her eyes. “Right. Well, it was…er,” a wave of her wrist, “… appropriately alarming, of course.”

 

            Kaz’s jaw tensed as Nina laughed a delighted thing. Inej turned her attention to Jesper at the other end of the table. His silver eyes locked with hers, a subtle dip of his chin answered Inej’s question.

 

            Jesper knew who Lily was. Kaz must have told him the night before. Inej’s educated guess led her to believe Jesper probably knew only the bare details. How Kaz knew Lily. About Jordie’s connection to the mortician- not the true reason Lily was to aid on this voyage.

 

            To kill me for a few minutes, Inej thought bleakly. She picked up the bottle of kvas and filled her glass higher than she usually would at the first course of a meal.

 

            Somehow, Kaz must have seen the way her stomach dipped. The roll of her shoulders. She felt his palm on her thigh again, a finger rubbing back and forth. He squeezed as Inej swallowed her first taste of delicious red kvas. His eyes glinted in the glow of the chandelier above them, his silent words clear. Stay here, it’s not time yet.

 

            As plates were piled, dishes passed around their odd little family, Inej began to relax. It was strange how easily Lily sat at this table among them. Like she’d done it before.

 

            “So, Lily,” Wylan began after capturing her attention. “What do you do?”

 

            Lily folded her napkin in her lap, glancing at the faces surrounding her. Inej felt the nerves return, forced her focus to Kaz’s steady palm. She didn’t know if he left it there for her or himself. Wylan’s question, while innocent enough, was still an obvious probe. Truly, there was nothing to be nervous about. Except everything, but the kvas was going to help Inej Ghafa in hiding that truth.

 

            “I’ll give you three guesses.” Lily smiled softly. “Kaz and Inej excluded since they already know my occupation.”

 

            Kaz snorted through another drink, removing his hand finally so he might eat.

 

            “Oh! A game! I’m excellent at these- reading people.” Nina perched her chin on a fist as she examined Lily closely across the table. She nibbled on her roll with her other hand, made a humming noise.

 

            Inej could admit Nina was good at these games- still, she’d be floored if Nina or Wylan guessed correctly. Jesper diligently shoveled steak into his mouth, hiding his knowledge from the rest of them.

 

            “You said you have a friend who is a fashion designer… perhaps you had reason to meet her because you are a… fabric vendor? Excellent eye for quality?” Nina’s lashes fluttered innocently.

 

            Lily paused mid-bite; fork piled with salad halfway to her lips. “Did I read that right? Fabric vendor?”

 

            “You did.” Kaz grunted in tandem with his quick signs.

 

            “No.” Lily shook her head, lips quirked.

 

            “Damnit, Nina! You wasted our first guess and didn’t even consult Jes or I! I thought this was a team effort!” Wylan groaned.

 

            “Inej, darling. A hint since you have the knowledge and I’m your dearest friend in the whole world?” Nina simpered, sending a wink at Wylan.

 

            “Inej is not about to openly admit to loving you more than me or Wy.” Jesper goaded.

 

            “No one except me. Inej would admit to that.” Kaz smirked more to himself than any of them. It was a devious curl of his lips. She remembered biting them an hour ago. A whisp of heat flickered to life in her belly, a glancing blow of pure want. Slow down on the kvas and eat, Inej.

 

            “Hush.” Inej puffed at Kaz. “Sorry, Neens. Lily’s game did not indicate room in the rules for flattery induced hints.”

 

            Lily was watching the exchange, quick eyes following lips like words on a page, darting between each of them. Inej didn’t think she’d ever stop being impressed by the ability, seeing the woman read spoken sentences.

 

            “True.” Lily added in a husky voice, twisting her fork through the salad vinaigrette.

 

            “Fine.” Nina huffed, obviously contemplating her next guess carefully as she served potatoes onto her plate. “Can we negotiate, Miss…?”

 

            “Lily is fine.”

 

            Kaz released a tiny breath, clearly relieved at the mortician’s clever conversation maneuvering. His face gave nothing away.

 

            “But, sure. What would you like to negotiate?” Lily added, giving no room for conjecture regarding her surname. Inej got the sense that Lily liked lying about as much as she did- that is to say, not at all. Of course, Inej could do it when the time called. Her time as Ketterdam’s infamous Wraith hadn’t allowed for anything less, not to mention the various lectures from Kaz regarding her moral compass’ need of “scuffing up a bit”. She almost smiled at the memory of that boy, almost beamed at the man he’d blossomed into beside her.

 

            My husband.

 

            “May I perhaps have the ability to ask some non-specific questions? Hints that you only have to answer with ‘yes’ or ‘no’.” Nina requested, putting on a sparkling grin.

 

            “Good idea.” Wylan added.

 

            “I’ll give you two.” Lily answered. A pink trail crept up the column of Lily’s throat at Nina’s clap of excitement. Kaz’s finger traced a path along Inej’s thigh beneath the table, quietly observing.

 

            “May I see your hands?” Nina asked. Lily froze, breath quickened. For a moment, confusion knocked around Inej’s skull.

 

            Her scars. Lily’s scars on her wrists. Inej realized then why Lily had added the pretty elbow length gloves to her ensemble. They served as much a purpose as Kaz’s own leather.

 

            “That doesn’t count- and it’s rude.” Kaz rasped before anything more could be said. His eyes were downcast, glued to his wine glass. No one else would notice the flash in his irises, the annoyance of memories Inej knew he’d not offer to anyone.

 

            How many times had Kaz’s hands been the subject of conversation?

 

            How often had he been provoked in brawls and parlays to ‘show us the blood, Dirtyhands’?

 

            How long had Inej wished he’d reach for her, feeling let down when he didn’t, before he’d given her his full truth? If that girl had only known…

 

            “It is rude.” Jesper chastised Nina. “What if her hands would give it away? That’s not fair. It’s a work around.”

 

            Inej saw her opportunity and took it. “Jes has a point. I have callouses all over my palms from the ship’s ropes.”

 

            Lily’s gratitude was shown in a flick of her eyes between Kaz and Inej.

 

            “Hmm,” hummed Nina. “Fair. Forget that one?”

 

            Lily nodded, offering a shake of her head. “Forgotten, go on.”

 

            Wylan leaned to Jesper to whisper something in his ear. The sharpshooter grinned. “That’s a good one, Wy.”

 

            Bolstered, Wylan straightened in his seat. “Does your occupation require schooling in the classical sense or is it based off strict learning in-field? For instance, a lawyer would need classes. A fisherman would need a mentor.”

 

            “Yes.” Lily smirked, watching the slow unfolding of Wylan’s dismay.

 

            A bubbly laugh escaped Inej. Nina had specified only yes or no answers. Wylan hadn’t phrased his question properly.

 

            On Kaz’s face, Inej saw satisfaction. He signed something quickly to Lily, stealth in each rapid-fire movement. She smirked deviously in return. Clearly, for at least this moment, Lily and Kaz were in a truce.

 

            Inej focused on eating, listening to Nina tease Wylan and his rapid quips right back at her. Lily had stopped watching, rather her eyes had drifted to Kaz. He was eating slowly, rolling his eyes as Jesper piped up in defense of both Nina and Wylan- more than once.

 

            The empty seats at the table seemed larger than before. Solitary thrones among stuffed pews.

 

            What would it be like, thought Inej, what if Jordie were here, too? Matthias?

 

            Matthias would have devoured two steaks, an easy arm around Nina’s chair.

 

            And Jordie.

 

             Inej tried to picture him as a man, older than Kaz. She wondered if he would refill Lily’s wineglass without prompting. If he was physically affectionate, the way Inej imagined him to be based on the memories Kaz had shared. Based on the way Inej had learned Kaz actually was. Kaz showed his love that way much of the time, Inej had realized on this journey together. He touched.  

 

            Would this table forever have empty chairs? Would that number only grow after this voyage? Would Lily return to Lij, forever a memory to Kaz rather than a permanent fixture?

 

            Would Inej ever dine here, again? Would Nina?

 

            “We got it! A guess!” Nina bounced in her seat; the stem of her glass clutched in hand. Inej swallowed another bite of food, thankful to focus once more on the moment rather than the fear of a future so uncertain.

 

            “No questions first?” Lily looked up after reading the translation Kaz signed in her absence of attention.

 

            Ticking her fingers off, Nina listed: “You dress impeccably. You’re stunning. You are obviously smart. You’re clearly either a lawyer or a model for one of those enchanting fashion houses that travels from city to city OR both. You’re a model who’s taking her income and putting it toward law school.”

 

            Lily’s surprised chuckle shook her shoulders, a flush bright on her cheeks. “Thank you for the compliments.”

 

            “I always take time to tell gorgeous women what they certainly should already know.” Nina winked. Kaz’s annoyed huff was drowned under the clink of cutlery and Jesper’s own laughter.

 

            “Stop flirting, Zenik.” He rasped. Nina made a show of turning her eyes to Inej.

 

            “You can’t stop me from flirting with both of them, Brekker. Inej, have I told you how great those pants make your ass look?”

 

            Lily blinked in a quick series, quite literally choking on a laugh.

 

            “I can’t fault you the compliment on the pants, but you are playing with fire.” Kaz answered, casually flicking his gaze down Inej. Mine, his eyes said.

 

            “They are quite good, aren’t they?” Inej beamed, trying her best to ignore Kaz’s exploring hand beneath the table, out of sight of the others.

 

            “They are.” Jesper winked at her.

 

            “Saints, how many of you have looked at my rear tonight?” Inej chuckled.

 

            “Even I’m a little guilty. I can appreciate the aesthetic.” Wylan flushed. Inej gaped at him, he gave her a guilty wave of his fingers.

 

            Kaz’s hand gripped her thigh again, fingers swirling in hazy patterns. She felt his compliment in the movement. His promises to remove those pants later were echoed in the tender way he slid his palm- covetous yet gentle.

 

            “Why did you guess a lawyer?” asked Lily finally, brushing her hair behind her shoulder as all eyes landed on her. The mortician didn’t shrink, but her face flickered with nerves, she fiddled with the silver locket at her chest. Under the spotlight of attention, Lily was clearly a bit rattled. Like Kaz, she hid it well.

 

            “Well, you evaded my question like an excellent attorney, for starters.” Wylan pointed out with his fork.

 

            “And it would make complete sense for Kaz to have a mysterious lawyer on his roster that he trusts.” Nina added, pursing her lips in his direction. “Defense, specifically.”

 

            “I haven’t been arrested since I was fourteen, for fucks sake.” Kaz rasped, straightening his cufflinks as he leaned back. Inej didn’t miss his quick look at Lily, gaging her response to his very real criminal record. It was one thing to hear Kaz’s profession in private, another to have it confirmed from a stranger’s mouth.

 

            “Ghezen, how old do you think I am that I would’ve been able to both graduated law school, and become someone with enough reputation that I’d be chosen by a high-profile criminal as representation? One who clearly wouldn’t be arrested in the first place?” Lily asked, startling them all.

 

            Kaz blinked, a genuine smile unfurling on his lips. His dimple appeared. Lily had taken it in stride. Had taken him in stride.

 

            “That’s… a good point.” Wylan frowned. “Nina’s model theory until graduation still holds merit.”

 

            Nina perked up.

 

            “I’m twenty-four. I could have graduated law school, but I wouldn’t be Kaz’s defense attorney.” Lily paused, leaning back in her chair. “I’m also not a model, unless you count being a voluntary mannequin and getting pricked by pushpins occasionally for a dear friend’s creative pursuits in the fashion department.”

 

            “We used all our guesses.” Nina whined, green eyes glittering as she watched Lily.

 

            “You did. Unfortunate.” Lily answered primly, dabbing her mouth with a folded napkin. Not a trace of her red lip stain left on the white fabric. Inej frowned. She needed to buy whatever brand of cosmetic Lily and Nina used, apparently. She could test its value by cornering her fiancé against another table. Lipstick shopping was one thing Inej had not imagined she’d bump up her priority list.

 

            “Why wouldn’t you be my defense attorney?” Kaz asked Lily quietly, brows knitted together.

 

            “Conflict of interest.” Lily answered simply, carelessly. Kaz frowned but made no objection. Inej resisted a smile, felt Kaz give a little pinch to her leg at her expression. A smirk tilted the corner of his mouth, a playfulness Inej had come to recognize as hers alone to provoke from him.

 

            “Come on, Lily, shock us with your profession. We’re supposed to be getting to know each other, no?” Wylan pressed. “No one expects my real passions to be the flute and chemistry when I’m a merchant seated on Ketterdam’s high counsel.”

 

            Lily contemplated for a moment, chewing the inside of her cheek. “Technically, it’s ‘Doctor Lily’.” Eyes bulged from Nina and Wylan. “I’m actually quite a snob, so please do get it right.”

 

            Kaz was the first to laugh. Lily’s eyes sparked as she watched him, lips quivering.

 

            There was something terribly sad about how Lily watched Kaz. It was like watching the wildflowers wilt in autumn on the side of the suli caravan paths. Knowing they’d return next year was never enough, Inej recalled telling Nani as a child. They might not be the same. She might not be here to smell them again.

 

            That was how Lily watched Kaz’s laughter. As if she missed it, and knew she’d not witness it again in just the same way.

 

            Inej wondered if Lily saw Jordie in his brother’s smile, the set of his brows or the vivid glint of his eyes. It was tragic, in a hopeful sort of way, to watch Lily brighten with each shake of Kaz’s shoulders.

 

            Kaz and Lily had both lost the one person they’d loved more than anyone else in the entirety of the world. Wasn’t it odd how bones created bridges between the living? Hadn’t Matthias bound them all, too?

 

            Inej wondered if the geraniums she’d planted on Jordie’s grave might begin to erupt in this unexpected spring storm. Anything was possible, and if Inej could believe that… Then, she’d hope they broke through the soil in Lij right at this exact moment.

 

            Hope was like that. Unexpectedly surfacing from old wounds and empty graves. Kaz and Lily deserved that. A sister and a brother, perhaps not so lost to one another anymore. Inej suspected Jordie would agree.

 

             Maybe, Jordan Rietveld’s ghost was out there on that hill, counting the flowers that would bloom from the hole he’d left in their life. He’d smile at the stormy sky and on his sleeves, copper crow cufflinks would shine like a lighthouse in the middle of a wheat field sea, waiting to guide Kaz and Lily back to him when the time came.

 

            ‘Take your time.’

 

            Inej imagined the words Jordie would say, but her gut told her she was right. She could smell rain; feel the echo of a boy whose impact was far greater than his thirteen years.

 

            Sankt Jordan of the lost, the drowned, the wary & the found. Inej thought she might get a knife for Kaz, as a wedding gift.

 

 

KAZ

 

            “You’re a medik?” Wylan inquired, “It wasn’t what I would have guessed.”

 

            “Why?” Lily asked, eyebrow perked.

 

            “Because… well, to be frank, you don’t seem to enjoy talking to people that much. You did stay in your room all day… forgive my brazen observation.” Wylan cleared his throat, color tiptoeing from his cheeks to his hairline.

 

            “No forgiveness necessary. I’m not that type of doctor.” Lily shrugged easily. “I like people, but I… well, I believe my ex-fiancé put it best. My personality can be abrasive. I don’t enjoy it when people speak differently to me even when I’ve told them I can read lips as fast as they can talk. And more importantly, I’m not afraid to tell them when I think they are full of shit.” Lily paused; lips pressed together.

 

            “That is to say, your bluntness is refreshing. I prefer clarity over foggy societal convention any day… and I believe my bedside manners would be a sorry thing to behold from one’s sickbed.”

 

            Ex-fiancé? Kaz hadn’t heard that from Lily before. Had he really not asked her a single question about her life? Did she have someone she’d left behind in Lij? What had he asked her to risk?

 

            Why did it feel like a betrayal to Jordie, imagining her with anyone else? His brother wouldn’t want anything less than happiness for Lily. The thought sank in slower for Kaz, despite the very obvious logic. Jordie and Lily were intrinsically tied together in his mind, some fundamental knot of youthful development.

 

            “I’m still held up on ‘ex-fiancé’. I mean, look at you.” Nina whistled, gesturing her wineglass in Lily’s direction before taking a sip. Jesper squinted at Kaz from the other end of the table, ‘told you so’ written all over his smug face. Jesper wasn’t wrong, Nina was openly flirting just as he said she would.

 

            Kaz scratched at the side of his nose with his middle finger. Jesper returned the message with a satisfactory glare. Passable at best, really.

 

            “Ghezen, I don’t think I’ve ever been complimented so much in one night. You better stay consistent- otherwise next we see one another I’ll assume I look like a bog hag. As I said, I’m quite the snob.” Lily retorted primly, running her palm over the tablecloth to smooth an errant wrinkle.

 

            Nina’s laugh was full and bright, face filtering between shades of pink. Inej’s hand settled on Kaz’s knee when he narrowed his eyes at the corpse witch. The touch sent an electric zipper down his spine, loosening muscles all the way down. Her eyes warned him off giving Nina an ear full. Let it go, mera chaar. Kaz could imagine her exact tone of voice.

 

            “Technically, if you want us to get it right, wouldn’t you be ‘Doctor’ and then your surname? Not your first?” Wylan observed, laying his cutlery down. The porcelain chime rang as a warning bell.  Kaz tensed, but their friend’s face was open, genuine. Kaz translated to Lily when she looked up, not having seen the question. His fingers moved slowly, but he did not alter Wylan’s words nor add his own. Kaz didn’t know why.

 

            Lily stared at Wylan for a moment before speaking softly, kindly. “Dr. Arbor. My name is Lily Arbor.”

 

            Lily’s honesty was unexpected, a direct contradiction to his previous request to use a cover name. Nor had Kaz expected to feel… relieved. To feel a bit of the weight slide from his tense shoulder blades. Kaz had wanted Lily’s identity to remain a secret, for both her protection, Wylan and Jesper’s too, and in defense of the upcoming voyage… and yet. He found himself wanting Jesper, Nina and Wylan to meet Lily. The Lily Arbor he knew. The girl who had been like a second sibling to him. The girl who he’d thought of first when realizing his limp would be forever. A girl whose memory had been so strong that she’d still been able to remind him that a physical difference was only a weakness if he allowed it, even from miles and years away.

 

            Kaz wanted them to meet the woman who had agreed to help them, because she was as loyal to Kaz, to his family, as she had been a decade ago. A woman both bold and surprising. Intelligent enough to cut right to the heart of both circumstance and people alike.

 

            Maybe Kaz hadn’t realized he wanted her to meet his new family in truth, until Lily took the choice from him and claimed it as her own. A part of him recoiled from the lies he’d asked her to give about her identity. Another part, born of Ketterdam, shirked him for his weakness.

 

            “So, Dr. Arbor,” Nina fluttered her lashes, “If I ask about an ex, is that entirely too personal for people who’ve just met? I assure you I have reason to be curious.”

 

            Lily, either missing Nina’s flirtations or genuinely ignoring them, shook her head. “We’ve spoken about me entirely too much. But I don’t mind the question.” Pausing to prime her throat with a sip of wine, Lily glanced at him.

 

            Kaz didn’t know what she looked to him for, then. Still, he wanted Lily’s forgiveness- for this truce they’d managed since sitting at the table to continue. Her words from their arrival in the city still hung between them, dangled in his dead-brother’s fingers like evidence presented to a jury. They both knew it was Kaz’s head in the noose, awaiting conviction.

 

            Kaz still would have picked Lily as his hypothetical defense attorney, if only so she could sabotage him. He’d earned that much, so had she. His stomach muscles tightened, splinting his core for a blow Kaz knew would come sooner or later.

 

            “Oh, do tell us the juicy gossip, then! What better way for us to get to know each other? Do we need to hunt down any almost spouses for you, our newest friend?” Jesper chirped, lighting the room with his charm without even a thought. Kaz leaned back in his chair, rubbing a hand down Inej’s thigh beneath the table. He focused on his girl, slamming doors in his mind to dangerous paths. Ones that led to apologies and regrets he’d sworn off of the moment he became Kaz Brekker.

 

            I need to get back to myself. Lij fucked me up is all. That’s it. That’s all.

 

            Lily smiled at Jesper, a full grin of straight white teeth. “No, I suspect the culprit charged with the failure of that particular relationship is sitting within your sights. No one to hunt down.”

 

            “I don’t know you well enough to say I don’t believe you’re at fault, but I do not believe it.” Nina supplied suggestively, glitzy laughter bubbling from rouged lips.

 

            Kaz knew Nina was quite the skilled flirt, like Jesper. She was just having fun with Lily, he reassured himself. He’d just not seen Nina so… bold, since Helvar. Dread was a vine around his fragilely shielded memory of the loss. He’d missed Nina like this.

 

            Lily relaxed by increments around their band of miscreants, but Kaz did know Lily- at least he thought so. To Nina’s credit, he didn’t believe it was Lily’s fault, either. It was a fact to Kaz. If Jordie hadn’t died, he’d be with Lily Arbor. The letter Emilia had given him had only confirmed something he’d known to be true for years. Lily was rare to his brother. Even as an adult with the knowledge that people were just people, not icons to be placed on dais’, Kaz didn’t doubt Jordie’s taste or assessment. To leave Lily Arbor was as ludicrous to Kaz as the idea of him leaving Inej. Or Jesper and Wylan breaking it off. Or Matthias Helvar not waiting for Nina- in the next world or simply in the ground.

 

            “I was in fact the ‘left’, not the ‘leave-ee’.” Lily pursed her lips, hands moving with her words out of habit. “But I’m not bitter about it. I should have left.”

 

            “What did he say his reason was?” Nina huffed. Lily smiled at the other girl’s immediate defensive stance. Inej was smiling, too.

 

            “She. Rebecca.” Lily returned, swirling her wine around in its glass. “Her reasons were sound. Honest too, I fear.”

 

            Kaz saw Nina’s eyes brighten in a flash, not at the subject of Lily’s words, but rather the minor correction she’d made of her interest in women. Jordie and Lily had both been appreciative of men and women, even as children they’d known it about themselves and one another. Kaz had never thought anything of it, hadn’t been raised to label it as anything but love. Jordie and Lily had chosen each other, not a side.

 

            Lily hummed, tapped a solitary finger on the table. “I believe her exact words were: ‘You’re socially obtuse, emotionally unavailable and more devoted to your dead work than your real life.’” Pausing, Lily took in the ‘o’ of Wylan’s mouth, Jesper’s annoyed head shake. Inej grimaced, muttering a very colorful suli curse under her breath. Nina was staring, seemingly frozen.

 

            Kaz didn’t know what his face was doing, but his attention was entirely on the sister of his childhood, watching for any inclination of her pain on the subject. Protective instinct seemed inevitable with Lily, yet Kaz was still surprised by it. He found no agony in Lily’s eyes, heard none in her breathing. Relief was a crisp sip of cold water. Kaz had been halfway to adding ‘research Rebecca’s home address’ to his ever-lengthening to-do list.

 

            “To be quite fair,” Lily half-chuckled, “She was accurate on all counts.”

 

            “Dead work?” Nina stuttered finally.

 

            “I’m a mortician.”

 

            “Oh,” came an echoed whisper from both Wylan and Nina. Jesper’s fingers beat a quiet tempo on his glass in the uncomfortable silence that descended.

 

            “To Rebecca,” Lily raised her glass in toast before taking a full drink. “Certainly, I just proved one of her accusations true in this moment. The socially obtuse portion, I mean. I doubt she suspected I’d use her words as an icebreaker for gatherings.”

 

            Jesper’s laugh erupted violently, cheeks branded with a grin. “Fuck,” He wheezed. The noise snowballed from the sharpshooter around the table, none of them spared. Not even Kaz.

 

            Struggling to regain composure, Kaz watched Lily once more.

 

            “Grand,” Lily proclaimed through a smile, “I never get this many laughs out of my patients.”

 

            The cycle began again. Nina was wiping tears from her eyes by the time her chortling subsided.

 

            “That was a terrible joke,” Kaz signed to Lily in the others’ distraction. She smirked at his silent declaration.

 

            “Just wait, small brother,” she signed beyond Inej’s giggling frame, “My sense of humor has only ripened with age.”

 

            Kaz rolled his eyes.

 

            He lied. He wanted to hear another joke.

 

 

NINA

 

            “Saints, that’s a good way to break ice.” Nina heaved, gulping down water.

 

            “You are welcome.” Lily returned, nibbling on one of the dessert pastries. She smiled, nose crinkled playfully, and looked away.

 

            At first, Nina didn’t understand the ripple of excitement in her stomach. Didn’t recognize her own desire to see the woman smile fully again. Fear struck like lightning in her gut, serrated and electric.

 

            As rain began to pelt the windows of the dining room, Nina swatted the butterflies in her belly down, terrified that they’d lived at all. Those winged things had been beyond her dead-raising science since she’d laid her fjerdan to rest.

 

            For a few minutes, Nina listened to Jesper tell Lily about himself and Wylan. About the music school they were funding at Ketterdam’s illustrious university, their current plans to help Marya open a proper art gallery. All the while, Kaz translated when Lily missed something. Inej seemed as content with her wine glass as Nina was with burying butterfly corpses with her own meal.

 

            Lily Arbor. Nina tasted the name in her mouth. Nina didn’t hear what Jesper had said, but suddenly, the mortician was laughing. Long crimson hair shaking on her bared shoulders, freckles highlighted by the chandelier’s steady drip of gold light.

 

            Her laugh was rough and fragile. A shattered stained-glass window given sound. Rare.

 

            Somehow, Nina knew that to be true. It was a knowledge unexplained, like how one could feel eyes on their back. Instinctual.

 

            A strange simmering began below Nina’s little ruby starling. Tender, warm. Like a swollen bruise, square above her heart. Nina was prodding that purple place, wincing at the way she noticed the silver glint of a locket around Lily’s throat. Damning herself for wondering if it contained a portrait.

 

            Three things became glaringly obvious, then.

 

            One, Nina wanted to hear Lily laugh again. Matthias’ lifeless face flashed in her mind’s eye, a warning flare in the fog.

 

            Two, her want was unacceptable. Dangerous.

 

            Three. Nina didn’t want to ruin this moment, and it needed wrecking. Therefore, as those filled with confusion and pain were wont to do, she did.

 

            She saw her opportunity to remind herself what this dinner really was, and Nina Zenik took it.

 

            In a lapse of differing conversations, Nina spoke up. “So, Lily.”

 

            The woman redirected her eyes to Nina at Kaz’s subtle point. “Pardon, I wasn’t watching. Yes?”

 

            Her eyes were so damningly blue. Nina swallowed a butterfly.

 

            “Any attachments currently? I asked about the ex.” Nina asked, doubling down with a wink. Flirt for an answer, then cut to the quick. Less room for dread to camp out. No space for backing away.

 

            If Lily was put off by the directness, she hid it with perfect ease. “No. I’ve been rather focused on my career for the past year.”

 

            “Nina.” Kaz warned at the grin she loosed. It was a mask of her own, a shiny construct rather than genuine glitter. Maybe Kaz could tell. Nina ignored him and instead prepared for the happiness to end. It had to eventually, Nina assured herself. None of them had spoken about the voyage since the meal began. About the real things looming in the spaces between them.

 

            “I ask because I wanted to know if you were leaving anyone behind when we set sail,” Nina replied flippantly, voice hardening. “I assume you know our return is not a guarantee. Better not to leave attachments behind.”

 

            Lily’s eyes widened, lashes fanning in a slow blink. Nina felt Kaz’s anger. Worse, she felt Inej’s. Wylan coughed.

 

            The rain sounded much louder in the heavy silence of the room. Thunder rolled in the distance, an ominous grumble to mirror a hurricane brewing within these four flimsy walls.

 

            Voice lowered; Lily spoke. “You presume Kaz and Inej would not make the risk clear to me? This is your take of them?”

 

            Lily’s ocean eyes, up until this point, had provoked deep, smooth water to Nina. Now, that water was a glass abyss. Hazardous. Drownable. A navy void and a tempting dive into suffocation.

 

            Lily was angry. For Kaz and Inej.

 

            “N-no.” Nina stuttered in clarification, swallowing pins. Hesitating, she added, “Maybe. I don’t know.”

 

            “We told her the risk.” Inej whispered. “I do not bring those onto my crew who do not recognize the danger a voyage could bring.” Then, even softer, “I know the risk. What I could lose.”

 

            “We know, ‘Nej.” Jesper grumbled, rare irritation underlining his words.

 

            Nina glanced at her friends, at the arm Kaz had extended slightly. If she were to peel back the tablecloth, she knew she’d find his hand on Inej’s leg.

 

            Rage scorched up Nina’s chest, her face. How simple it was, for Inej to feel Kaz’s grip on her knee. For Kaz to reach out and find Inej right where she was supposed to be. For Jesper to clutch Wylan’s hand on the table, fingers intwined like death was only a notion and never a reality. Not for them.

 

            How dare any of them ever risk what they had? How dare Kaz continue to lead the Dregs and risk his life for a score? How dare Inej captain her ship and abandon what she should covet on land? How foolish of Wylan to put a target on his back with the Merchant counsel! A voice wiggled in the back of Nina’s mind, urging her to see reason.

 

            Just because you lost Matthias does not mean they should live in this suffocating place with you. It was repulsive, this ache within that demanded they reconcile their own contentedness against her survival.

 

            It was a desecration of sacred land, to condemn their happiness from the hollowed ground above her love’s bones.

 

            Nina laid logic to rest with the corpses of the butterflies in her stomach. It would not rise again without her permission.

 

            “Then why ask? Are you not trusting of your friends?” Lily pushed, not realizing how close the bomb was to detonating. Nina forced her eyes to meet the other woman’s gaze. They were a flood, ready to drown. To devour. Perhaps this is what Jesper had meant when he’d said he’d seen Lily’s eyes change.

 

            “Pardon, but you don’t understand.” Nina snapped; teeth bared. She looked away from the abyss of Lily’s eyes. “You have no idea. Frankly, none of you do.”

 

            Jesper stood suddenly, unable to maintain stillness any longer. He busied his hands, quietly piling empty dishes onto the dinner cart. Nina pretended not to hear Inej’s sharp intake of breath. The creak of leather on Kaz’s tightening fingers atop his cane.

 

            Kaz opened his mouth, but to Nina’s shock, Lily held up a silencing hand. Kaz’s jaw clicked shut.

 

            “What don’t we understand?” Wylan asked, his voice soft. Pleading. Nina released a cutting laugh, half-crazed. What the fuck? Didn’t they get it?

 

            Her conscience tried to remind her of the words Kaz had spoken to her in Jesper’s study just before dinner. Nina threw them out. Maybe she wasn’t as strong as Dirtyhands, or maybe she was just wiser.

 

            A snapping whip flicked from Nina’s heart, aiming for anyone in her path.

 

            “I asked you if you were leaving anyone behind so you could rethink what you are about to do!” Nina shouted at Lily; every word steeped in malice. How dare she look like she wanted to understand, this- this…. Stranger.

 

            “Nina.” Jesper gaped at her raised voice.

 

            “Nina, we do understand.” Inej tried, words so unsatisfyingly kind, so observant. Nina would have preferred one of the suli woman’s knives. Something worth impaling herself upon.

 

            Nina was cracked open. Fury incarnate. It was better than the quiet sadness she’d waded through for an eternity.  

 

            “No! No, you don’t!” Nina dropped her napkin and pushed up from the table, chair legs screeching against the fine floors of the Van Eck dining room. She turned away, marching for the extra bottles of liquor in the corner.

 

            Everything detonated in Nina’s heart. Every fragile moment of peace she’d pried from grief’s curled claws over the past few years. None of it mattered. None of them got it. They couldn’t. Couldn’t fathom existing without each other, the way Nina had.

 

            “We all lost him, too.” Jesper said, dropping his pretense of clearing the table with a careless clatter of a plate on the cart.

 

            Nina felt the tears in her eyes as she catalogued the liquor cabinet, prying out a second bottle of wine without really looking. She slammed it on the table as she whirled on Jesper.

 

            “Not like I did!” Nina bellowed. Angry tears streamed down her cheeks as she ripped her hands through the curls she’d so carefully crafted. She shook her head violently, letting out a frustrated growl.

 

            “You don’t fucking get it. I’m alone. Alone without him. But more than that. I’m a grisha who shouldn’t exist! Do any of you get that? Do you claim to know that fucking solitude? To know nothing of yourself in the wake of your world collapsing? Then, to hear the direct contradiction of your grief? I’ve told people about him. Somehow, they think reminding me of how young we were means I didn’t love him as I did. That this will fade, that it wasn’t real because of youth! But it was real and old and and--”

 

            It was a train wreck, and Nina was driving the steam engine. She went faster. She didn’t want to do this. She couldn’t stop it. Everything spiraled away until all she could feel was the shredding of her own heart, all over again.

 

            “None of you have had to do-" Nina waved a reckless wrist, “-this! None of you have had to wake up and know that fucking pain. It wasn’t any of you piled with tulips! It was the love of my life!” Nina screamed between fevered gulps of air.

 

            “None of you even talk about him! You’ll change the subject or veer me away! Do you know how much that fucking hurts? Sometimes I wonder if you even remember the man I loved. The man who saved our fucking hides more than once?”  

 

            Her words were jumbled by jagged breaths, by burning kerosene tears. A part of her knew she was being unfair. They had all mentioned Matthias since her return to Kerch, more than once. It didn’t matter- it wasn’t enough. None of it was enough to hold her up anymore.

 

            The following silence was a festering wound, bleeding and ugly. Her lungs folded, like a fire deprived oxygen, a snuffing so quick her knees buckled. Nina collapsed into the chair she’d previously occupied, head in her hands. She squeezed her eyes shut against her palms.

 

            Matthias, I need you.

 

            “None of you have lost the love of your life. Known what it’s like to wake up every day after, knowing that you’ll never have it again. We were so young, and it makes it so much worse. All the years ahead feel like a life sentence.” Nina said defeatedly, shaking. She knew how rude it was to speak with her face- her mouth, hidden. Hopefully Kaz translated for Lily. Shame would come for her later, Nina knew.

 

            For all of it.

 

            For each wound she’d inflicted on her jump from the ledge. The ground was here now. Rock bottom pressed against Nina’s cheeks, gravel slicing her skin.

 

            Each trapped breath rattled Nina’s eardrums. Her erratic heartbeat rivaled the thunder outside. She almost thought she imagined the voice when it came.

 

            “I do. I know what that’s like.” Lily Arbor whispered.

 

            Nina lifted her head slowly. She was met with wide navy eyes that had moved to her side of the table, into the chair she’d never seen occupied.

 

            Of all the words Lily could have said, she found perhaps the only four in any language that Nina wouldn’t have expected.

 

            “Tell me about him.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            “How?” Nina croaked, squinting her salt crusted eyes. Lily’s attention did not waver. Behind, Nina heard Jesper settle back into his seat beside Wylan. Beyond Lily, Kaz and Inej watched.

 

            Nina couldn’t bear to meet anyone else’s eyes. Lily’s demanded it.

 

            “You start with his name.” Lily replied steadily, hands signing along with her words.

 

            Breathing deep, Nina whispered, “Matthias Helvar.” His name felt like a confession in a chapel- or what Nina imagined those must feel like.

 

            A twist of her lips, and suddenly, a small smile lingered on Lily’s red lips. “Fjerdan, then?”

 

            A surprised laugh, so small, wiggled from Nina’s mouth. “A druskelle.”

 

            Lily’s smile only broadened.

 

            Nina trembled, but still she managed to ask. Lily had said she preferred candor, and for that Nina was grateful. “How do you… how do you understand?”

 

            Lily took a long time, searching Nina’s face. Her quiet scrutinization suddenly felt very important. A test to pass, but Nina had no study materials.

 

            “The love of my life died when we were thirteen.” Lily said. Her words were strong, forceful. Certain.

 

            Nina wondered how terribly big this girl’s love had to have been, to cast such a shadow this many years later.

 

            Lily was patient through Nina’s nod, a gentle presence. She asked the first question she could manage.

 

            “Does it still happen like this for you? Does it always just… creep up on you, forever?” Nina sniffled, swiping helplessly at her flushed face.

 

            Lily reached forward suddenly, and before Nina knew what was happening, her cheeks were being wiped with a napkin, kohl smears taken away with a tender touch. Lily didn’t linger close, didn’t comment. Nina hoped she remembered how to breathe. When was the last time someone had touched her face?

 

            “This is pretty.” Lily pointed to Nina’s necklace.

 

            “He called me a little red bird.” Nina hiccupped.

 

            Lily chewed on her lip, squinted her eyes. “It suits you; I don’t know why.”

 

            “Did… did you have a nickname?” Nina muttered, fiddling with her skirt in her lap but enunciating for Lily’s sake.

 

            Sliding hair behind her ear, Lily blushed through an answer. “Hellvane.”

 

            “Hell fire.” Nina’s lips tipped into a half smile. “Old Kerch.”

 

            “That’s right,” said Lily. “He was creative.”

 

            Nina nodded, eyes glazing once more. She touched her little bird. Lily shook her head, straightening.

 

            “To answer your question… Grief is like that,” Lily began, “it always starts with the mundane.” The mortician paused, settling an elbow on the table. Thoughts flashed in her eyes, forming words Nina awaited desperately.

 

            Help me, Nina begged silently.

 

            “You’re walking home in the rain. You forget to watch your step, a puddle submerges your shoes and suddenly you are looking down, feeling your socks dampen. A coincidental glance at the laces you tied into messy knots is a mistake you didn’t know you could make.

 

            “Then, there it is. You recall how they looked, sitting on a porch step tying their shoes. How the left side of the bow was always just a bit bigger than the right.” Lily paused, throat working on a swallow. She ran a hand over the lip of the table, eyes flickering back to Nina. She signed along with her words, grace in each movement.

 

            “The pain in your chest is dry, unlike your toes. You’ve forgotten the puddle in which you stand, the shivers in your shoulders reduced to mere instinct. You don’t feel the cold rain. Only the searing, overwhelming heat of the memory. In a rainstorm, you stand parched of love. All you seem to swallow are sips of miserable loneliness.”

 

            Nina’s lips parted, but no sound escaped. Lily didn’t wait, just pressed on.

 

            “That’s how it works. The memory of who you lost is the center of a spider web, complexly spun of ordinary, forgettable thoughts. Grief stalks you on eight legs, one for each freckle you remember dusting their nose at the height of summer.

 

            “Grief is the most menacing beast of all because it takes up the places of your mind that used to be the safest- leaving you nowhere to hide. The memories of the one you love are suddenly fields full of landmines, and Grief will set them off again and again.

 

            “Until you’re afraid to remember yourself, too. Some of us don’t make it out of that. Some of us feel those holes blown through our flesh and try to dig them out. Instead of filling those holes in, as logic would dictate- we simply create more voids, cut more of ourselves away. Broken hearts do illogical digging.”

 

            Nina felt like her soul was laid out on the table, and Dr. Arbor held the scalpel, finding pieces she’d never been able to name. It was a welcome autopsy, a gentle pain.

 

            “Yes. It always creeps up on you, Nina Zenik. I won’t lie. But… someday, you start remembering to leave your shovel in the closet, and you stop digging at yourself.” Lily whispered. “That you have enough love in your heart to fuel this rage is a badge of honor. Your holes are not too deep, and you have survived.”

 

            “I don’t feel as though I’m surviving.” Nina managed, lips wobbling all over again.

 

            Lily took no mercy in her scrutiny, refusing to let Nina shy away. It was… it was a power Matthias had possessed, too.

 

            Slowly, Lily reached up her arms, rolled her pretty gloves down her elbows, her wrists. Her pale skin revealed, she flipped her hands palm up. Thick ropes of scar tissue slashed her wrists, shiny white. Air caught in Nina’s throat, a corkscrew of confusion.

 

            “I meant what I said, Nina. Broken hearts do irrational digging. You are strong. You have not dug so deep as to reach for the grave, and I am proud of you, even if you aren’t of yourself.”

 

            Lily’s meaning sank into Nina. She’d… Saints. Nina looked from the scars, back to the mortician’s face. No words could form, so Nina did all she could do.

 

            She touched Lily’s hand. For the first time in a long time, Nina felt strong, even for just a moment.

 

            “Tell me about your Matthias Helvar, so that one more person might remember him with you. My mother used to say brave hearts are rare. It would be an honor to know about his, as it is an honor to learn of yours.” Lily said, thumb pressed to Nina’s wrist for only a second before she pulled away.

 

            The smile on her lips felt foreign as Nina said, “I met Matthias in chains. We fell in love after a shipwreck, but before I put him in prison.”

 

            Lily laughed that stained-glass laugh, and Nina began again. At the beginning, with a little less fear of the ending.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

            She didn’t know how long she spoke, even the modified version of the tale. She’d left out the details of circumstance- but told Lily the moments of Matthias’ bravery. Whilst she couldn’t tell Lily of the ice court, of the sugar scam, she spoke of her fjerdan’s change of heart.

 

            She told Lily of his death, by a fellow druskelle. How he’d called Kaz a demjin.

 

            Kaz, who had pulled his chair beside Lily and began aiding in translation whenever Nina spoke too quickly. He’d done it without asking, he’d rolled his eyes at Matthias’ initial hatred of him. At this, Lily had looked at Kaz’s profile for a long moment. Nina didn’t understand. Still couldn’t figure out any of the important things about this strange addition, but Nina found she didn’t care.

 

            Not when all of her favorite people sat with her, listening. Not tearing her apart, the way she’d try to do to them. She wanted to cry, to apologize, to run.

           

            Sitting here was better.

 

            “Trassel, my wolf… she was his. I broke her out of the barrack kennels after I buried Matthias in the north.” Nina said now, eyes filled for the umpteenth time. “I don’t know what I’d have done without her the past few years. She’s a little part of him.”

 

            Lily’s response was slow to come, a sad sort of shadow lingering on her face.

 

            “I know what that’s like,” she said finally, “to live with a smaller echo of his heartbeat.”

 

            Nina quirked her head, she saw Kaz refilling his glass at the liquor cabinet, Inej beside him. She hadn’t even noticed him stand for a drink, too lost in words that bled.

 

            “Mine is more human shaped, though.” Lily added thoughtfully, manicured brows pinched together. Inej settled back at the table silently, listening.

 

            “Surely you don’t mean a child?” Nina joked, though she technically supposed it was biologically possible, depending.

 

            “No,” Lily chuckled, trailing off. Her shoulders rose in a deep breath before she spoke again. “His little brother, though he’s not quite small anymore. We only recently… reconnected.”

 

            Nina’s smile was genuine as Lily watched her. A clink of glass startled Nina as she saw Kaz barely catch a wine bottle from tipping to the floor in the corner. She looked back at Lily.

 

            “Are you close, you and the brother?” Nina asked.

 

            “We were as children. For… for a long time, we didn’t speak.” Lily paused, hand fiddling with the silver heart at her throat. “But he’s like my own brother. Like your Trassel, I’d lay myself in front of a train for him without question. I never stopped loving him after…after.”

 

            Glass shattered in the corner beyond Lily’s shoulder. Kaz was staring down at the floor littered with shards, not moving. Inej was jumping back up from her seat, but Nina was frozen. It was like a bolt of lightning slowed in her mind, the flash bright and still, branches of electricity weaving outward across seconds.

 

            “While not the same, I lost my brother. I understand.” Kaz’s words from the study ricocheted in Nina’s ears.

 

            Lily looked terrified, but she didn’t move an inch. Hadn’t heard the glass shatter. Why did she look that way, if not from the noise?

 

            Did she know Kaz was behind her? Nina felt Wylan and Jesper’s full attention on the conversation. Had they thought it, too? Was Nina insane?

 

            Her mind said she was crazy. Her gut screamed that she wasn’t.

 

            Lily hadn’t so much as blinked at Kaz’s glare. She’d teased him… like she’d known him for… for a lifetime…

 

            Nina didn’t think before she spoke, voice half-whispered. “Or jump in front of loaded guns?”

 

            Lily didn’t flinch, didn’t look away. She blinked, once. A second time, slower. Her chin dipped in a tiny nod. “If the situation hypothetically arose, then… without hesitation. Instantly.”

 

            “Saints,” Nina gasped. She stared at Kaz across the room. Jesper and Wylan did the same. Inej stepped around the glass to him. He looked up at the attention, eyes blown wide. Nina could not hear what Inej whispered to him.

 

            Lily was clutching her locket, face downcast.

 

            Kaz… he had a brother. A sister, if not by blood. Lily hadn’t confirmed it, but Kaz had. He was not clumsy, nor drunk.

 

            Thunder boomed, rattling them all. Nina happened to turn her head to the windowed terrace doors behind her. The sky was deep gray, night blocked by villainous clouds. In the yard, lit by the two gas sconces on the patio, a flash of white caught Nina’s attention.

 

            Trassel. Trassel was digging up the tulips, fur half coated in mud.

 

            “Saints!” Nina jumped up, racing to the doors and yanking them open. The rain pounded, a full downpour. “She’s digging up the tulips!” Nina cried, calling the wolf’s name in quick succession.

 

            Normally a good listener, Trassel was not deterred. It was raining, and her companion missed the cold perspiration of the north. Nina was going to have to drag the poor thing away from the flower beds. She’d left her out, knowing Trass would enjoy the weather, unlike any other house pet.

 

            Nina frowned down at her velvet dress, her nice shoes.

 

            “I’ll grab a jacket and get her.” Wylan said.

 

            “Do we own an umbrella, Merchling?” Jesper teased, following his fiancé through the living room doors.

 

            “I got it.” Lily said suddenly, kicking her charcoal slippers off beside Nina.

 

            “But your dress!” cried Nina, “It’s satin!”

 

            Lily smiled and stepped out into the downpour. She yelled, “Designer friends have their perks- besides, I like the rain!”

 

            Lily’s hair was slicked to her head as she waltzed barefoot across the terrace, charcoal skirt a flutter behind her. She marched toward the wolf in the grass.

 

            Nina, bracketed by Kaz and Inej, stared, slack jawed.

 

            Not a moment later, Nina watched Trassel dart away from Lily, a full yellow tulip in her mouth.

 

            A sharp pang of want slipped through her ribs, slicing unexpectedly. Lily was simply playing along with Trassel, having successfully put a stop to the Van Eck Garden excavation. The redhead tossed the bright flower like a stick across the yard, soaking wet and grinning as Matthias’ girl yipped and took off.

 

            Nina looked up at the sky, down at her dress. She chewed on her cheek.

 

            Kaz stood next to her on her right, Inej on the left.

 

            Lily tossed the tulip again, back turned to them. For the first time, Nina saw Lily’s bare back, hair pushed to the side. At the middle of her left shoulder blade, a tattoo was inked. A hand, signing. It looked like a sketch, almost.

 

            “What does that one mean?” Nina asked Kaz softly.

 

            Slowly, Kaz turned to look down at her. His black eyes were still wide, but more present.

 

            “’I love you.’” Inej answered from her other side, hand mirroring the sign.  

 

            “My brother drew it.” Kaz whispered, voice far away. “I was there when he sketched it, before we moved to Ketterdam. I only saw she had it tattooed tonight. It’s why I dropped the bottle.”

 

            A quiet moment passed as they watched Lily and Trassel chasing one another across the yard. Nina swallowed Kaz’s confession like sweet wine.

 

            Nina almost stepped forward at the distant sound of Lily’s laugh through the rain.

 

            She glanced at the sky one more time. Back at Kaz.

 

            “Bite the cookie.” Nina whispered to herself, kicking her shoes off. She heard Kaz’s rough laugh, but she was already submerged in the storm.

 

            Just before she stepped down the stairs to the yard, curls already plastered to her scalp, Nina turned back to look at Kaz and Inej, squinting through the rain on her lashes.

 

            She had apologies to make, but for now, she held up her hand with a wide smile. Two fingers and a thumb for ‘I love you’.

 

            She took off across the wet grass, and without a beat missed, Lily tossed her the flower right over Trassel’s wagging form.

 

            It was a day filled with storms and yellow tulips sprouting into her life unexpectedly. All of Nina Zenik’s favorite stories began that way.

 

 

 

 

KAZ

 

            He held his hand up, two fingers and a thumb in black leather. Nina didn’t see, but it didn’t matter. Kaz meant it.

 

            Inej slipped under his arm, curled into his side as they watched a terribly muddy game of keep-away happen between a fjerdan wolf, and two drenched women in their dinner finery.

 

            “We don’t in fact own an umbrella.” Jesper said as he and Wylan joined them in the doorway.

 

            “Doesn’t look like we need to.” Wylan beamed.

 

            Kaz kissed Inej’s temple, inhaled her scent.

 

            Peace was a rainstorm in the garden at dusk. Simple, and overwhelming.

Notes:

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Two fingers & a thumb, I love you.

chapter summary: hahahah... ow

 

….#lina

Chapter 167: Somewhere In The Fog

Summary:

A long overdue moment.

Notes:

CHAPTER 167!!!!
HELLO. HI. IT IS I. <3 How are you? I've missed you all this month. I am sorry that this one took so long- I've been swamped and unfortunately, I have a problem with not being able to upload anything that I don't feel good about and this one certainly took a few tries to get right. I just hope you love it. I hope, more than anything, I was able to convey what I wanted to: a pretty big 'full circle' sort of moment for this story. <3

Also, a note: I know the past few chapters have been far less focused on Kanej- but I promise you that these moments had to happen, and you WILL be given a DOSE of kanej in the next few. Don't you fret. <3 I just always worry when I have stretches like this when other characters are 'spotlighted'. Since they are who we are here for, after all <3

Anyways, Thank you. Thank you so much for everything you guys do. For simply reading my stories, for commenting, kudos-ing and for just bringing so much joy into my life. I love you.

I could seriously use some comments on this one, for motivation & a lil reassurance. (asking for a friend) <3 For real though, thank you for any of you who take the time ever to leave me notes or thoughts or helpful criticisms. I know you don't have to & I wouldn't be the same writer without you. I read all of them, every time. <3 thanks forever.

Song: "Orpheus" by Vincent Lima (This might be the most perfect song recommendation I've ever given. For lyrics. For Vibe. All of it. Best parts for it: Kaz's first POV, the end of Lily's second POV, All of Kaz's second POV, really.)

LISTEN, Dang it. LISTEN.

LILY

 

            It was a most unusual occurrence, to walk in from a rainstorm only to be greeted by plush towels warmed by a cheery fire and a coat draped over her shoulders. Stranger still that the fabric smelled a little like a memory and a lot like a future familiarity.

 

            Lily looked up at the weight of the fabric, but Kaz was already looking away, saying something to Jesper. Inej, however, caught Lily’s eye. She smiled with the softness only true affection could bring. Kaz had dropped his coat onto her shoulders without so much as a word, an action of kindness that brought a knot of emotion to Lily’s throat. Inej did not seem as surprised as Lily felt.

 

            The world around her was a bustle of motion and luxury dappled by raindrops. Still, Lily found herself deposited on a sofa by Wylan and his hospitality. She dried her hair with a towel, enjoying the warmth of the hearth and the pleasant ache in her chest.

 

            For at least this moment, Lily was alone in the living room of this grand city mansion. The others had yet to join her, but Wylan had told her to get warm and that he’d return in a moment. Who was she to argue, to deny the luxury of solitude after such an eventful meal?

 

            When was the last time, Lily wondered, that she’d been around so many souls? When had it been, the last time she’d laughed so freely? That someone had walked out into the rain with her, a smile to mirror her own?

 

            Lily knew the answer to the last one. The last time she’d found company in the downpour was ten years ago. Before, with her mother. Before, with Jordie. Before, with Kaz.

 

            Until today, with Nina Zenik.

 

            It felt like an unfair comparison to make- this single night to her daily life in Lij. Lily laughed plenty, with Emilia Winstrad and her frequent unannounced visits to the morgue. Lily found true contentedness working beside Adrie Hudson, for they shared a unique passion and respect for those who laid before them on the metal tables in wait for a final examination. Those two women had saved Lily from herself. They’d taken one look at all the cracks within Lily Arbor and hadn’t hesitated to begin filling them in with friendship.

 

            No. It was not as if she were lonely. Lily had friends, had Jax, her most loyal canine companion. A small village of her own to lean on. Yet…

 

            The feeling that rummaged through her soft parts, the ones Lily rarely allowed awareness of, was new. Loneliness was a liver; this was a kidney. Not so similar, but equally mistakeable when one’s innards were displayed to the light. This feeling looked a lot like a liver, but it was simply regret wearing the same shade of red.

 

            Lily stared into the blaze of gold and orange, soaking rain from her tresses absently. Kaz’s jacket was warm around her, proof of his presence. It was still nearly impossible for Lily to wrap her mind around- that Kaz was alive, and he’d been in Ketterdam all these years. How often had she spoken to both Rietveld brothers’ ghosts over the years, when only one could listen?

 

            Kaz Rietveld had been here, had found these people that clearly loved him. They knew him as Brekker, but Lily couldn’t separate the boy she once knew from the man he’d forged himself into. They were the same, and these people did not care what name Kaz went by- it was obvious in entirely unremarkable ways. How Nina had goaded him. How Jesper, his best friend as Lily understood, had gone after Kaz the night before. How Wylan did not for a moment question it when Kaz brought her here, a stranger in the family home. How Inej simply looked at Kaz first, whenever she thought he might laugh at something someone had said or done. Like she was waiting to see it always. Hoping.

 

             They cared for the person beneath his skin.

 

            What did she appear as, to these kind strangers? To Kaz Rietveld’s new family? It wasn’t fair to want their approval. It wasn’t justice to herself, to so desperately crave what they had: Kaz’s trust.

 

            I used to be that for him, too. I was a sister, safe and loved by this boy, once. She’d longed to say it, then she’d wished for nothing more than to disappear at the nearest opportunity. It was hard to feel like an errant puzzle piece, simply not part of this new jigsaw Kaz had created.

 

            She wanted to fit. Lily Arbor hadn’t known it until right then, sitting alone and tremendously saddened by how little she knew of Kaz Brekker.

 

            Lily did have something, it seemed, that Kaz had not given to these new characters within his life, though. The past.

 

            How did they not know all about Jordie? Lily wanted to understand. She wanted to carve it from Kaz’s chest with a scalpel, to examine his reasons why. It was her nature, to peel back layers and make sense of all the blood and gore.

 

            She wanted to know why Jordan was not remembered, why his brave heart was not the first thing Kaz wanted to share in trusted places, with his safe people. Lily thought of Nina, how her pretty emerald eyes glimmered when she spoke of her fjerdan.

 

            Matthias Helvar. Now, that was a man Lily wished she could have met. If Nina’s stories had been any indication, that druskelle was indeed the owner of a rare brave heart.

 

            Jordie deserved to evoke shining eyes, too.

 

            “It’s not your story to tell, hellvane.” Lily could imagine Jordie’s hands there, signing the words before her. The look on his face a mosaic of peace- the kind that only ever came after the acceptance of tragedy. He’d smile with a damning dimple, and Lily would feel the ache again. The slow creep of loss. The longing for a life that had never been, but she desperately wanted to go back to.

 

            Her reverie was shattered by the dip of the sofa cushion. Trassel was too big for the furniture, but Lily didn’t mind sharing. She scratched the white wolf behind the ears, her fur still damp from the storm. They had become fast friends, she and this wild girl. Hearts of predators always seemed to know one another, no matter the shape of the ribcage that held them.

 

            “What do I do?” Lily signed to the white wolf, an ally. In truth, she was still asking the ghost of her first and forever love. Maybe she was even asking Matthias Helvar. Perhaps dead boys knew better regarding the messes of the living.

 

            This tale was not hers to pry from Kaz, and still, she wondered if she wasn’t owed the full truth from him. She knew he’d not lied, Jordie had died of the Queen’s Lady Plague. Honest had been the pain on Kaz’s face; but that wasn’t the full story. Lily felt it, deep in her weird bones. Jordie had died from an unavoidable sickness…

 

            But what had destroyed the younger Rietveld, the smallest brother?

 

            Lily tugged Kaz’s jacket tighter around her shoulders. Home felt just a little closer, and for now, that was enough. It had to be.

 

 

KAZ

 

            Wylan and Jesper had ordered a second dessert in the form of waffles, massive take-away boxes stacked high on the coffee table in precarious towers. It was a familiar sight, but Kaz was focused on the anomaly of this scene.

 

            He lingered in the doorway to the dining room, hip against the frame. A casual observer, but Kaz was hiding the truth. Walking into this room felt like looking down the throat of a dragon, knowing it could burn the flesh from your bones in ten seconds flat. Kaz could already feel the heat, the sparks playing in his hair with each rumbling breath.

 

            It had been only a few minutes since Lily and Nina, followed by a pouting wolf, had emerged from the back garden. The two women had been smiling, cheeks pinched pink by both laughter and the wind outside.

 

            Kaz had thought himself possessed by his dead brother many times, yet tonight was the first haunting of it’s kind. One look at Lily’s shivering frame, her wet hair, had brought Kaz’s arms into movement. His jacket had been on his shoulders one moment and on Lily’s the next. It was easier to blame the motion on his brother’s wishes than to accept he hadn’t wanted her to catch cold. That Kaz was not the same as he once was, and that change did not just extend to Inej and Jesper.

 

            Inej’s Saints might have been real, as by some miracle, no one had said anything to Kaz about what Nina had asked Lily before their garden excursion. What Lily’s answer had so obviously implied. Kaz nearly winced all over again.

 

            Even Nina, who had seen the tattoo Lily bore of his brother’s long ago love confession, had not pressed him further. Despite his quiet, startled admission to the Corpsewitch, Nina had bounced into the house on a mission to wipe mud from Trassel’s paws. She’d not paid him any mind.

 

            Now, Nina was excitedly loading up a napkin of different waffles for Lily to try. Lily had never had them, and Kaz wasn’t surprised. Waffles were more of a Ketterdam specialty than a Kerch one. Wylan was sitting on the piano bench, proudly tapping the keys in an upbeat tempo.

 

            No, Lily could not hear his music. But she could feel it- the vibrations she closed her eyes to, one hand pressed to the side of the instrument from her seat on the sofa.

 

            “I feel you lurking, Wraith.” Kaz rasped quietly, not bothering to look behind him. She was there, Kaz knew. She must have emerged from the kitchen, feet silent as always.

 

            Sure enough, Inej was beside him now. He kept his eyes on the room before them, on Jesper’s lazy teasing toward whichever target was closest. All of them appeared exactly as they would on any other night spent gathered together.

 

            But Lily. Lily Arbor was there, too.

 

            “Are you well?” Inej asked quietly, following his gaze.

 

            Kaz didn’t answer for a long moment. His mind was a mess of angry slashes, scratched out plans from A to Y. All that was left was the dreaded ‘Z’, a letter he’d scarcely even entertained when planning an escape from any situation. Hell, he barely considered anything beyond ‘A’- which was to improvise.

 

            “I don’t know how to tell her the truth, Inej. You’d think I would by now, for fuck’s sake. I managed to tell you. Tell Jesper. Your fucking parents and even Emilia. But how do I tell her?” He spoke soft and hurriedly, only for Inej to hear.

 

            Inej’s head tilted in contemplation, warm eyes scanning over the room in a slow sweep. There was no judgement in her silence, only sincere consideration.

 

            “What is it that makes telling Lily different? Emilia also knew Jordie, once.” Inej murmured. He felt her eyes on his face, but he wouldn’t look at her. Not when he needed to answer this for himself, head on. “I think if you can answer that, you’ll know exactly how to do what you need to.”

 

            Lily laughed at something Nina said, the noise spilling out around the room. How long had it been, since he’d lingered in a corner while in the company of these people? Had this been his only perspective, once? Fear?

 

            Kaz did not miss it.

 

            What was it that made telling Lily different? Kaz had asked himself the same question a hundred times since Lij.

 

            Only one answer seemed like the truth. Lily, besides Jordie or his father, was the only person who had known Kaz as a fully formed person, albeit a child, before. Before all of it. Before the sickness of his mind and the magic he’d twisted into swindles.

 

            Lily was the one person who had the ability to hold Brekker up to Rietveld and decide which she preferred.

 

            Lily Arbor could find him guilty of murder. A slow, treacherous slaying of the little brother she’d once loved, and Kaz wouldn’t blame her.

 

            “The storm has broken, for now. I just looked.” Inej said, voice gentle. He glanced at her from the corner of his eye. “I’d reckon the docks are all but abandoned, no one wants to be out if it starts up again. Of course, they don’t have my professional expertise in reading a horizon. As a captain, I’d say it’ll stay dry for at least two bells.”

 

            “What?” Kaz shook his head slightly, half-focused on Wylan’s playing and the laughter that bled across the room. Her words made no sense.

 

            Straightening her shoulders, Inej began to walk away. She paused, turning back to him. There was a coy slant to her lips, a light in her eye that told him he wasn’t listening hard enough. “Perhaps it would be a nice evening for a walk, that’s all. The night is still young, mera chaar. The sky will only provide so many reprieves. Who knows when next such a window will present itself. Perhaps not even until my ship sets sail.”

 

            Kaz swallowed, watching Inej’s confident gait as she folded herself into the comfort of company. She slid into a spot on the sofa beside Jesper, plucking a waffle for herself on the way. Above Lily and Nina’s heads, she met his gaze. Her smile was only in her eyes, but he felt it down to his toes. How easy it would be to pretend nothing at all had happened- that Lily had always been here, and there was nothing more to say to one another. To march forward without looking back.

 

            Cowardice left a film on his tongue, the grime not so easily swallowed. A small voice implored him to think. The Wraith would sail after the weekend, when the storms cleared, and with it so would Kaz’s certainty to ever have the chance to tell Lily the truth. About why Jordie had caught the plague. Why Kaz hadn’t written. The truth of all of it.  If she didn’t come back… Kaz didn’t finish the thought.

 

            Inej was right, but it didn’t make it any less horrifying to think about. Of everything that had happened that night, Kaz knew the most important event was yet to come- if only he could muster up a bit of that fearlessness Jordie had deemed Kaz possessed by the ton.

 

            The uncomfortable truth of it all was obvious, yet Kaz had only realized it in the minutes he’d lingered here, back in his solitary orbit.

 

            His story, his life, and all he’d done to grip onto it, was his choice to give. Kaz had meticulously chosen those he had shared the truth of his life with. Inej. The Ghafa’s. Jesper Fahey. Then, his Aunt Emilia. Those he himself had deemed worthy of his faults and truths so rusted through that they became toxic to cling to any longer. Wylan and Nina, though not included yet, Kaz knew he could tell. And would tell. One day he would. That time was not now, and that was his choice. His right.

 

            This did not feel accurate with the girl Jordie had loved. This truth was not his right to hide from her. From his sister, whom he’d once loved and admired almost as much as his father and brother.

 

            Now, Kaz thought, was the first moment in which it was not his choice alone to shed his armor. Of anyone alive in the world, Lily Arbor was the single person who was owed the truth. Every time Kaz had managed to pry his memories out into the light, it had been to benefit him. Of course, it had been for those people, too, in some aspect.

 

            Yet, each of those times, Kaz’s voice had been fueled by his own shameful desperation to be known. To be understood. To be cared for regardless, not in spite of, all the mottled choices he’d made.

 

            This time, his truth also belonged to Lily. Jordie’s truth belonged to Lily.

 

            True, none could force Kaz’s hand. None could rip into the vault of his mind and pry his secrets away if he did not first pick the lock for them. Still, it was a violent yearning in Kaz’s gut that made him eye the golden room before him, made him itch to sign, to bleed, every awfulness within him out to Lily. To paint the walls black with his ugly memories until he was empty.

 

            What would Jordie want? Would Jordie want Lily spared the gruesome truth beyond the sickness? Kaz had not lied to her. He could leave it at that. All of it.

 

            He could let Lily believe it was easy- as easy as death ever can be. Let her believe Jordie’s last moments were spent with his head on a feathered pillow instead of his brother’s bony knee. Let her believe he’d been warm enough, under the sheets of a sick bed that never resembled a child’s too-small coat.  

 

            “No.” His brother’s voice in his ear rang clearer than any time before. No longer did Jordie’s voice rasp like he was drowning. No longer did he waver or wish ill upon Kaz. He sounded like Jordie. It was simple and terrifying and wonderful. A figment of Kaz’s imagination he might have been, but it didn’t matter.

 

            It was a vicious tearing of heartstrings, that single honest word. Jordie would have Kaz tell her everything, and then, let her decide for herself. Let her make her own peace or pain from the scraps of a sheared life.

 

            Tell Lily everything he should have a decade ago, instead of letting her mourn his brother without so much as a word. It was cruel to her, this adult Kaz knew now. It was crueler to Jordie, to his memory, to allow the girl whom he’d loved so fully, to wonder if he’d simply left her behind for so many years. To let her see a headstone appear, and cry into dirt unmarred by the footprints of mourners.

 

            “Tell her how I thought of her every time the sun went down and the harbor was both orange and blue- how nature was only beautiful to me because it mimicked her. Tell her how I told you that, Kaz. Tell her how I read you books and every time I wished she was there to see your new card tricks. How I told you to practice so you could show her when we saw her again. Tell her how I said her name in the end, followed only by yours.”

 

            “Tell me you’ll tell her, Kaz. Tell her I tried.”

 

            In that moment, Kaz made a choice. It wasn’t made fearlessly, but it was damn close. He pushed off the wall, cane in hand.

 

            As he marched forward, Kaz wondered if the sudden peace he felt was his own, or Jordie’s.

 

            The heat of the room felt less like a dragon’s maws, now. It felt like a room full of people who waited for him by a lit hearth. It was astonishing how easily Kaz walked into the middle of that fire, and how happily it welcomed him.

 

             His family had set aside two of his favorite cinnamon waffles on a perfectly folded napkin, placed them on the arm of the chair he normally chose.

 

            It was care, regardless of how long it took him to see it.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LILY

 

            “Would you mind accompanying me for a walk?” Kaz signed to her across the coffee table piled with takeaway rubbish. Conversations were blended around Lily, obvious by the shake of shoulders and moving lips. She’d not been paying attention to follow any of them, but she didn’t mind. Not once had she felt excluded, had any of these people not turned to her and spoke clearly so she might read their lips.

 

            Lily ceased her fiddling with a napkin, unsure he’d signed correctly. Surely that wasn’t what he’d meant to ask. She’d read correctly, but he was rusty with this language. It was a mistake. Her stillness, her silence, gave away her thoughts. Eyes firm, Kaz repeated the question and mouthed the words in tandem.

 

            The knot in Lily’s throat would not untangle. Thankfully, she had little need for her voice.

 

            “Yes, I’ll walk with you.” Lily signed back slowly, cautiously. “The others?”

 

            Kaz shook his head once before signing, “Me and you. Inej says the storm won’t be a problem for another bell or two.”

 

            “Alright,” Lily answered. “Let me change out of this dress, ten minutes?”

 

            Kaz nodded sharply, throat bobbing.

 

            As Lily stood, Kaz’s jacket fell off her shoulders to the sofa in a heap. Nina jumped up just as Lily made her way past.

 

            “The tag is showing!” Nina said once she captured Lily’s attention. Not thinking, Lily lifted her hair and exposed her back for Nina to tuck it away. A pure reflex.

 

            Only when Lily turned around did she realize Nina was jabbering, slack jawed.

 

            “What?” Lily glanced around the room with a small smile, confused by the face Nina made. It could have been horror or excitement- it was quite difficult to tell.

 

            “Emilia Winstrad?” Nina annunciated; lips parted. “You know her? She’s your friend?”

 

            Lily realized her grave error too late. Emilia’s signature logo was elaborate and distinctive. An ‘E’ and a ‘W’ made of red roses, woven together. It was a little tag patch that Emilia sewed into every single one of her original designs- even the ones foisted upon morticians. Even her lingerie pieces. The logo was stitched in a pattern only Emilia knew exactly, and only she could replicate properly. It was what could differentiate a Winstrad piece from any ‘novice knock-off’, as the designer would say with a huff.

 

            “As in this Emilia Winstrad?” Nina bounced, reaching awkwardly toward the back of her own dress in a tangle of elbows. “Famous! She is famous!”

 

            Lily sighed, but not without a small smirk in Kaz’s direction. His complexion was as pale as always, but Lily suspected his cheeks were warm.

 

            “You don’t have to show me the tag. I knew it was one of hers the moment I saw it on you.” Lily grinned. It was true, Lily had taken notice of Nina’s lovely gown. She’d also spied the unique stitching in the lace, made only by one designer.

 

            “Saints! You really know her? Can I meet her? Where does she live? Do you think she’ll be very put off that I bought this second hand?” Nina beamed, eyes a pool of sparkles.

 

            Lily thought the girl’s joy contagious, for she could not help the smile she loosed once more. Nina had that rare ability to gather smiles like a pretty magnet. Lily felt color pool her cheeks at the observation.

 

            Nina Zenik was meant to be this way; Lily was sure of it despite their recent acquaintance. Nina was a woman who belonged to spotlights and belly laughs. Not crying in dining rooms, not wrenched through with pain.

 

             Jordie, too, had been forged for smiles over frowns. Kaz, it seemed, took after Emilia.

 

            The younger Rietveld sat straight-backed on the sofa; face entirely neutral. Inej’s lip, however, was trembling in obvious restraint beside him.

 

            “I think she’d adore you.” Inej proclaimed to Nina. Lily thought her words looked just a tad breathless, tainted by tucked away giggles.

 

            Nina’s eyes sparked at the praise, cheeks pink. “Well of course she would! What’s not to like?”

 

            “You’re the one who knows her personally, though,” Nina redirected to Lily with a wiggle of an eyebrow. “What do you think? Are you certain your very famous designer friend wouldn’t be aghast by little old me?”

 

            Lily hummed, finding an alarming amount of enjoyment in watching the miniscule twitches on Kaz’s face from her peripheral. “I think Emilia is a good judge of character and too clever by half. She’s my favorite type of person and I’d call her my closest friend for those exact reasons. If I know her as well as I believe I do, she’d find you to be a pure delight.”

 

            With a smile, Lily added on “She’s a bit rough around the edges, but truly you’ll never find better company.”

 

            Nina tipped her head back with laughter, little red bird pendant twinkling in the firelight. “That’s quite alright. I fear this group has a member who is also too clever for his own good and rough around the edges.” Nina smirked at Kaz as Wylan fought a fit of shaking laughter.

 

            Lily did not point out how much sense that made, nor that this connection had been her intention. At least for Inej, whom she knew would appreciate the joke. Playing with Kaz’s fire was a simple pleasure that Lily intended to take full advantage of. He had a decade to make up for.

 

            “Once you get past the lack of color in his wardrobe, he’s not so bad.” Jesper added merrily.

 

            Inej lost her own battle, quite literally holding her stomach she shook so hard. Lily saw Kaz glare at his fiancé, but she had to admit the desired effect was quite diminished by the visible softness in his eyes as he watched Inej laugh. It was too bad that none of the rest of them knew just how funny this was.

 

            “And his hair-" Nina began but cut off with- what appeared to Lily- as a rather tiny yelp on her lips. Looking down revealed Kaz’s cane pressed atop Nina’s foot.

 

            “Not another word or the shoe gets it, Zenik.” Kaz warned.

 

            “You caveman!” Nina jerked her foot away, frowning at her silk slipper and the slight imprint of Kaz’s cane on the material.

 

            As the five friends fell into a rather competitive bout of bickering, Lily slipped her way to the staircase and her guest suite. It was a welcome exit, for she had no idea what she might have said if Nina pressed further about Emilia. Besides, Lily had something for Kaz. She needed to change her clothes. She had an apology to prepare for what she’d said to him upon their arrival from Lij. She had… she had hope.

 

            She had no idea what Kaz might want to say to her, enough to ask for a bell of time uninterrupted, but Lily was ready for it.

 

            Maybe some part of Lily had always been waiting for this. Maybe there was still a piece of her soul standing on the abandoned porch of her childhood home, feet planted. A guardian of the wheat fields where Jordie had disappeared from her sight for the last time. Every twitch of a frond was a maddening tease, a breaking of faith. Still, she held fast and firm. Her legs long past numb, now immoveable stone.

 

            “He’ll be back, any moment now.” That girl whispered, lips still tingling from a goodbye kiss that was never meant to last her a lifetime. “Just a few more minutes.”

 

            As Lily traded her gown for a knitted sweater and work boots stained with blood, she felt her knees tremble for the first time.

 

             It was time to walk away. It was time to go inside and close the door.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

KAZ

 

            “We’re going for a walk.” Kaz rasped from the foyer as Lily descended the stairs, hair now tied in long plaits on either side of her head, clothes far more suitable.

 

            Wylan and Nina had gone to take the garbage to the kitchen, but Jesper waved him off from the sofa, long legs splayed onto the coffee table. Kaz was grateful, he didn’t need commentary from Wylan or Nina on his sudden departure for a walk. His leg already ranted enough in throbs; the weather didn’t help. Too bad. This had to be worth a bit of extra pain.

 

            Jesper and Inej knew what he was doing. Even if he’d not spoken to Jes, it was clear on the sharpshooter’s face as he shot Kaz a salute faster than a bullet. No mourners, it said.

 

            No funerals, Kaz’s nod replied.

 

            Inej frowned from her seat as Kaz shrugged into his coat. He paused, “What, Wraith?”

 

            “She’s too proud to admit she hoped for a kiss before you left. Wylan does the same shit.” Jesper rolled his eyes, ringed fingers wrapped around a tumbler of whiskey.

 

            “Am not!” Inej whined in tandem with Wylan’s distant shout from the propped open dining room door. “Do not!”

 

            Kaz pinched the bridge of his nose as Jesper shouted nonsense back to the Merchling, chuckling all the while. An elbow to his back took Kaz off guard. He looked back to Lily, her eyes flickering between himself and Inej.

 

            “Your manners are abysmal,” she signed. “Your future wife wants a proper goodbye you dimwitted man. Go.”

 

            Kaz’s eyes widened as Lily gave her most innocent smile to Inej and Jesper, knowing they had no clue what she’d just said to him in the privacy afforded by sign language. No idea that he’d just been thoroughly scolded. He sighed as Lily flicked her wrist, literally shooing him.

 

            If Kaz was honest, she still scared him a little bit.

 

            Limping to Inej, Kaz had to lean down to press a kiss to her cheek. A cheek which she displayed to him with both dramatic flair and smugness.

 

            “You are being quite difficult.” Kaz whispered to her. She made to straighten his tie, pulling him a bit closer with the fabric in her fist. Her lips grazed his ear, voice a silken purr.

 

            “I simply wanted to remind you of what awaits the rest of your night after this difficult conversation. I find it’s always best to have things to look forward to, don’t you?”

 

            Inej smirked as he straightened. He cleared his throat to hide the sudden, flustered spike of his heart rate. A terse, professional nod was all he could muster.

 

            His eyes dropped to the silk hugging Inej’s chest and knew it was time to walk away. Later. Later.

 

            “I’ll wait for you here; we can go home together.” Inej said in parting, eyes shining.

 

            If Kaz had the ability, he would have nicked the mischief from her eyes like the thief he was. He would have put that glittering sin into his pocket to look at whenever he wanted.

 

            “Ready?” Lily signed at the door.

 

            Kaz paused, peeking over his shoulder to Inej and Jesper. To his surprise, they were both looking at him, too.

 

            They had his back, as they always had. No matter what, he had them.

 

            Kaz stepped out into the night, Lily at his side.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            The air was surprisingly crisp for Ketterdam, the storm having blown away much of the smog that normally clung to the city like burnt crust.

 

            For a long while, Kaz and Lily walked in silence. Their shoes clicked on the cobblestones, accompanied by the tap of his cane. Kaz guided Lily through the financial district, watching as she took in more of the city than she’d had a chance to see thus far. It was a visually appealing part of Ketterdam, Kaz supposed, but this was Wylan’s realm, not his.

 

            His kingdom was darker, deadlier, and certainly more alive.

 

            They passed very few pedestrians, most windows shined amber in signal of residents tucked in safely from the threatening spring weather. It was as quiet as Ketterdam ever got. A rarity that deserved relishing.

 

            Kaz almost wondered what Lily might think of the Barrel and all the grit and glamour it offered. He squashed the thought under his heel, knowing she should never find out.

 

            He thought she’d like the komedie brute on the staves. Kaz would show her the Crow Club, bring Jesper along since it was his as well. He’d bet half his kruge that Lily would adore the boisterous tourists and the colors they strung throughout the winding streets.

 

            No. Too dangerous. Under no circumstance.

 

            Still, he supposed he was taking her into the Barrel at the current moment. Sort of. The border of it, but Dregs territory, nonetheless.

 

            He guided them across a small bridge, his feet knowing every single possible path to their destination without needing prompting.

 

            “Where are we going?” Lily asked aloud, hands tucked into the pockets of her navy coat. Her voice was jarring to Kaz, for he could see the water in the distance. Lily’s voice had never accompanied this sight. He shook his head clear.

 

            “I wanted to show you something.” Kaz answered, shoulder lifted in a shrug he knew came off less casual than intended. It was a response of his body he couldn’t seem to fully unlearn. His muscles always tensed as he approached the water, no matter the purpose of his passing.

 

            “Alright,” Lily mumbled with a slow nod. She appeared to chew on her cheek, eyes carefully trained forward. Kaz did not know what to say, didn’t know that he could say anything at all, yet. So, he left the word hanging.

 

            Soon enough, they approached the docks, feet thumping on the reinforced wood beneath them. Fog laid thick across the water, as if rain had donned the costume of snow.

 

            Kaz pointed out a few of the tourists ships to Lily when they caught her eye. She smiled when he told her about the time that he and Jesper had accidentally ended up on one of the prestigious Zemeni vessels; all for a game of cards in some aristocrat’s cabin. Kaz still remembered the severe look Inej had given him the next day, how she’d ranted from his windowsill about not being able to trail them on the ship.

 

            It had been a good day, Kaz recalled most of all, because she’d left her hair unbound. He’d stolen at least a hundred looks at Inej that day, and she’d been annoyed with him in all of them.

 

            Still, they’d shared almonds. Still, she’d sat on the windowsill, and he’d worked. Inej had stayed, and he’d been an angry teenager who was secretly beside himself with affection for his tormentor.

 

            “What’s that?” Lily asked, eyes squinted toward one of the many food stalls on the docks. All were closed for the storm- or so Kaz had thought. It seemed one brave vendor was still open, dim light glowing against the gloom.

 

            Kaz’s feet slowed when he realized which stall it was. The lantern dripped a puddle of amber light into their path like a clandestine beacon. A hundred paces away, Kaz knew exactly what this particular stop offered.

 

            “He sells hot chocolate and teas.” Kaz signed along with his whisper, grateful that Lily could not discern the crack of his voice. She glanced at his trembling hands, back to the stall.

 

            Kaz did not know this vendor because of the Dregs, because of the years he’d spent rebuilding fifth harbor into a thriving sector of the city. No, this stall had been here longer than Kaz.

 

            Here, Jordie had bought them hot chocolate, once. Then, Kaz had held his brother’s hand as they walked to a more popular section of boardwalk at the time. They’d sat on the dock’s edge, legs swinging as they watched the boats pass by.

 

            Jordie would make up stories with him about their destinations, about their crews and the deadly sea creatures they might meet. Sirens, selkies and sea whips.

 

            Kaz’s chest tightened, a cage too small for a memory forged in myths.

 

            Kaz hadn’t realized Lily was smiling at the stall, but now he saw it. A tentative little thing, but so familiar to Kaz it ached. She wanted some hot chocolate, completely oblivious to the panic he’d just begun to feel.

 

            Jordie. Jordie would buy her a cup. Kaz owed his brother that.

 

            “Come on,” Kaz signed when her eyes flitted back to him. “I’ll buy us some.”

 

            “Now you remember your manners.” Lily jested, bumping his shoulder with her own as they ambled forward. “Next time, small brother, you’ll get it right for your fiancé.”

 

            When Kaz laughed, it was real.

 

           

 

 

            Two steaming cups were procured without much more than a grunt from the old man running the stall. Kaz took off his gloves, allowed the warmth to seep into his fingers as he guided Lily to the dock he’d once crawled onto, half-drowned. The site of his rebirth. He looked over his shoulder a few times, but thankfully, Inej was correct. Beyond the ancient beverage vendor, scarcely a soul wandered the docks this night. An occasional fisherman on his way home to his boat, a stray cat or two. Kaz relaxed in parts, easing into the relative and unfamiliar safety while out in the open. It was not a common occurrence in this city.

 

             It helped knowing they were on Dregs’ turf. His territory. It was also a comfort of sorts to know that their backs were on the city, their words shared only with the gulls above the harbor.

 

            “This is delicious.” Lily sighed happily as she settled down beside him, legs swinging off the edge. The black glass waters of fifth harbor swayed below their feet.  

 

            Kaz looked down at his cup, slowly lifted it to his lips. It was rich in his mouth; a flavor he’d not realized he’d been craving since forever. It tasted like hot chocolate, just as he remembered from ten years ago. It shouldn’t have been a surprise, but it was. Somehow, he’d convinced himself that he’d hate it- that the harbor itself laid in wait within the paper cup.

 

            “It is.” Kaz rasped, letting the wind tangle his too-long hair. They stared out across the waves- for a minute or a bell, Kaz couldn’t be certain.

 

            Certainly, taking that sip was the most fearless Kaz had ever been.

 

            It was time to do it again. Then again. Until the cup was gone.

 

            Kaz didn’t get the chance to speak, to lift his hands. Lily had set her hot chocolate aside, determination written on her face.

 

            “I know you have something to tell me,” Lily began with a shaking breath, hands signing in tandem. She did not look at him, only at the upturned bowl of murky sky. “But I want you to know that I am sorry.”

 

            Kaz’s tongue sat useless in his mouth. His fingers limp. His shock infected every inch of his body. Finally, he managed an ineloquent “What?”

 

            Lily crossed her ankles, legs swaying gently. She peered over at him, freckled cheeks turned rosy in the coastal breeze. Her arms lifted, pale hands briefly disappearing beneath the fall of her braids.

 

            Now, in her palm, Lily held her little silver heart. Dents and dings dotted surface, but the subtle shine remained undiminished. The locket Jordie had given her, that had once belonged to Mama, had clearly been loved. Kaz knew she wouldn’t drop it into the water, not with how tender she cupped the tarnished pendant. As if it were something priceless. Kaz supposed it was.

 

            “I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been asked about this locket,” Lily mumbled, thumb tracing the curve of the silver. “I’ve been asked by friends and strangers and lovers, but they all want to know if there’s a portrait inside.” She glanced at him; lips held in a smile so small it could have been the hazy moonlight playing tricks.

 

            “I always give them the truth, which is ‘no’. I don’t have any portraits in here.” Lily snorted, blinking against a gale of wind. Kaz did not understand why she told him this, but he had learned when to listen. Another one of the million things he had Inej to thank for.

 

            “But you know what?” Lily hummed more to herself than him. “I don’t believe anyone has ever asked me if it’s empty. That would have resulted in a different answer.”

 

            She used her thumbnail, popping the tiny heart open only a sliver. She motioned for his hand, and Kaz was helpless but to comply. She dropped the locket into his bare palm, the metal still warm from her skin.

 

            “Ask me.” Lily said then, voice little more than a whisp. Kaz looked up from his mother’s necklace, entirely curious. He knew Jordie had given it to Lily empty, just as it had been when Mama was alive.

 

            “Is it empty?” Kaz rasped, forcing his mouth to enunciate for her to read.

 

            Lily’s eyes roamed over his face for a long moment, and Kaz did not want to know what she found there. It must have been enough, though.

 

            “Find out.” Lily replied finally, hands laced together in her lap.

 

            When Kaz opened the locket, the first thing he saw was his brother’s looping penmanship. It was simply his first name, but not so formal as ‘Jordan’. Just ‘Jordie’. Kaz saw the dash in front of his brother’s name. It was obvious that Lily had cut it from the bottom of one of Jordie’s numerous letters to her.

 

            His eyes veered slowly, expecting to find the lid side of the locket blank.

 

            It wasn’t.

 

            His stomach dropped.

 

            There, he found his own name. His penmanship had hardly improved since nine-years-old, a mess of harsh slashes in comparison to his brother’s neat strokes. Jordie had asked Kaz to sign his name to letters for Lily, too. He remembered grumbling about it in their boarding room, complaining that he was in the middle of practicing with his coin or shuffling his cards.

 

            “It’ll make her smile if it’s from both of us, Kaz.” Jordie would scold. Kaz would drag his feet, huff his way over and sign his name. The child he was had never thought Lily would care if he signed Jordie’s silly little love notes.

 

            It hurt to know it had mattered. To know he had mattered.

 

            Kaz couldn’t take his eyes off those tiny portions of his past life. He was stuck, somewhere between then and now. He was neither boy nor man, dead or alive.

 

            “You wore my name around your neck for a decade.” Kaz whispered when he finally gathered the courage to face Lily. “Why?”

 

            Kaz could not make sense of it. He did not deserve to live there in her silver heart next to Jordie. It was too nice a spot, too close to love he’d ceased earning a long time ago.

 

            “Because Kaz.” Lily sighed, a hopeless sort of gesture from her wrist. She looked at him like it was obvious. “Because you were my brother. Because you are my brother.”

 

            “I showed you because I thought maybe you’d understand that you still will be, no matter what you tell me. Our roots were born of the same soil, and there they will always be- and I’m sorry I have not acted as such.”

 

            Kaz could only cling to the heart in his hand, sweat beginning to bead at the nape of his neck. She didn’t know what she was saying. It disgusted Kaz, just how badly he wanted to believe her anyway.

 

            “What was it that you and Jordie used to say?” Lily said then, eyes narrowed at him. He knew she remembered. It was on Jordie’s headstone.

 

            “Right. Kaz, I promise on every finger.”

 

            “What about toes?” Kaz murmured through grit teeth. He looked away from her like a child, toward the dark grave below them. She answered aloud, forcing him to take her answer.

 

            “Those, too.”

 

            He believed her. Lily clearly remembered how serious those vows were.

 

            The wind picked up, blasting their hair back as clouds of fog curled around them. It was like a hug from a ghost.

 

            Maybe it was.

Notes:

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Chapter summary: SUCKER PUNCH

ps- did you listen to the song? You should.

pss- ouch.

psss- Did I accidentally create a “Jily” ship w a read head and a dark haired boy? Yes. I genuinely did not even consider the HP fandom when I did this & I wish I could at least claim I had. BUT I HAVE AN EVEN BETTER SHIP NAME: “Lordie” 🫠

Chapter 168: Scars Like Moons

Summary:

This is it. Lily knows it.

Notes:

CHAPTER 168!!!!!!!

Hello, Darling readers! <3 I'm back with a new upload and ooofff... well. As always, I hope you love it. This is another one of those in which I almost removed over half of it. But... I figured the story wouldn't be right if I didn't tell it the way I wanted to. I sincerely am wracked with nerves, but I hope I made the right choice. I did promise heavy kanej, however that will be next chapter as I didn't cut this one apart as I initially planned. I promise. I love you, happy reading.

This is dense, and certainly has mentions of hard subjects Read with care. <3 Thank you eternally, I love you always. I'll never be able to convey the depths of my gratitude for each and every one of you.

Let me know what you think? I'm utterly nervous for this one and I can't even pinpoint why exactly...well... Maybe I can. You'll see. Regardless, I'd love to hear from you. <3

"Hope" by The Ember Days (no lyrics, but the vibe is exact. I can't explain it.)

LILY

 

            The night was milky. Pearlescent clouds lazily reclined in their roll across the sky, thunderheads hunched over in the far distance. Stars peeked through curtains, hoping to glean their reflection in the silver looking glass that was the harbor. The water’s surface rippled with filtered moonlight.

 

            The colors of the Ketterdam night were not so different from the man beside Lily. He shared that lunar paleness, his eyes the same velveteen black of the sky. There, she saw more shy stars. Emotions he hid with such fervor that it had to be the result of years of practice. It made a kind of sense, for Lily had been warned of Ketterdam’s ruthless nature, and here he was- a man who was a product of both that devout misery and a childhood filled with kindness.

 

            It was these things Lily assessed in the silence of both tongues and hands. Details of sight gave more away than any hearing person might believe. Lily supposed it had to be true, the other way around, but she’d never be able to say for certain.

 

            Kaz Rietveld, in some ways, was exactly as he’d always been. As a boy, he’d been stubborn. Kaz was stubborn in ways one might have mistaken as fear; but Lily Arbor knew better.

 

            Kaz was stubborn, not out of fear, but rather in his thoughtfulness. Jordie had been prone to reaction, perhaps to a fault. Kaz was the opposite. He was always thinking, twisting each possibility around in his head like a puzzle piece. Even the pieces he might easily lift back up and place elsewhere later. It was as if he didn’t trust himself to go back and make it right. As if the world existed in absolutes- ‘what’s done is done.’

 

            Kaz still wore that same expression he had as a child. It was a look Lily had come to recognize as entirely unique to the youngest Rietveld, yet not at all. Emilia, too, donned an uncannily similar face when she processed new information, when she sorted through each possible outcome of a situation.

 

            Kaz thought every single thing out.

 

            Perhaps, this too, was a fault of some kind. Yet Lily did not observe it as such.

 

            It was why she remained peacefully in his quiet, soaking up details of his life, his world, from only his sturdy company.

 

            Kaz would process what she’d said, and then he would make his way to her. He’d cross the bridge she’d made with each word she’d signed from her side of the trench between them. It’s safe! I’m safe! Lily thought the words but didn’t say them. It was up to him, her small brother, to believe in her or not.

 

            Lily’s mind traveled back to Jordan, as it so often did.

 

            What a miracle it was, what an unthinkable tragedy, that Lily could piece together what Jordie might have looked like today from the face of his brother.

 

            It was a simple collision of contrasts and similarities. Jordie’s hair had been one shade lighter, closer to Bram’s, nearly indecipherable unless under a beam of sunlight. His eyes, his eyes had been so similar to Kaz and Emilia, though. His nose, too. So straight and fitting on all of their faces.

 

            Lily knew Jordie’s height to be the same as Kaz. He’d hit his growth spurt before ever leaving Lij. Before leaving her. At thirteen, he’d stood so tall. She could see him now, sitting shoulder to shoulder with Kaz.

 

            It was a peripheral ache, but Lily envisioned Bram Rietveld, too.

 

            She wondered if Kaz knew, had ever realized how much his father’s passing had broken her own heart. It would be naïve to believe her own pain as more than an inkwell compared to the void that he and Jordie had surely felt- but Bram’s figure cut a hole within Lily’s soul, too.

 

            Bram Rietveld had been the only father figure Lily Arbor had ever been able to claim within her life. His loss had spearheaded the darkest years of her existence.  One after another, those she’d loved had departed in some way.

 

            Lily had never thought one of those people might return, hale and healthy to boot.

 

            Her mouth opened, shut again. Her hands twitched against her thighs. Perhaps Kaz needed a nudge, a change in direction, to shuffle his thoughts outward. Or, as it was more likely to be, she was simply selfish.

 

            It was a craving to speak to Kaz now, to spew her thoughts at him the way they might have done as kids in the cozy privacy of wheat fields and sunset. It would be a waste to squander the time she had, for he’d made no promise to her. No decision to keep her acquaintance beyond her use for Inej’s voyage. If she were to return at all. It was not lost on Lily, the numerous perils she would soon face alongside Inej Ghafa.

 

            In truth, Lily could deem Kaz her brother until her bones joined with the earth and all the rotten growing things- but his choice could be different.

 

            She could be but a ghost to him.

 

            Kaz’s hair whipped into a raven tangle on the breeze, his thumb absently pressing the locket which he still held in his bare palm. Completely unaware of Lily’s internal plight. A deep inhale brought the sting of salty air deep into her lungs, scratching in a rather delightful way despite the lingering twinge of smog caught up in the atmosphere.

 

            Lily had never seen the coast of Kerch before, the true sea at all for that matter, but she thought fifth harbor was all right. Pretty in its own way, in this state of stormy stasis. How vast the sea must be, to allow land to take up such space without a fight.

 

            Her lips parted once more, and this time, Lily spoke before she could chicken out. She would not press Kaz, but the temptation to spill her twisting reveries proved too much to resist.

 

            “Sometimes I think of Bram.” Lily said quietly, narrowing her eyes to a tiny wave in the harbor as the wind sloshed it against the docks. Water was one of those things, one of the few that Lily wished she could hear. She imagined water’s sound as the equivalent of a breeze on her cheeks. Soothing. A gentle but firm demand to be heard, felt.

 

            Kaz’s head turned slowly, black eyes glittering in the watery light. There, an emotion flickered but was banished so quickly that Lily stood no chance of deciphering it.

 

            Inej must have been some sort of sorceress. Lily had seen the suli woman do it, subtly. Read Kaz and assess what she saw in his gaze. Inej and Kaz were always making eye contact, sharing thoughts without so much as a touch or whisper. It made Lily all the happier, to know Kaz had found such a partner for his life. Someone who so clearly understood him and made all the effort to show it.

 

            It was all she could have wished for him. All she had wished for him in the past decade.

 

            “What do you think about?” Kaz asked slowly, throat working over a swallow. Lily had not been able to shake it since reuniting with Kaz- something was different in how he spoke. How his letters formed in his mouth. His accent had changed, Lily could tell, but it was more than that. She just couldn’t seem to put a finger on it.

 

            Sighing, Lily pressed her hands to the dock behind her and let her weight rest on her stretched arms.

 

            “I think about how he just… he seemed so infallible to us kids back then.” Lily chewed on her lips, glancing at Kaz. He was nodding to himself, eyes on the horizon. “Bram was… I don’t know. He just… He was ten feet tall and bullet proof to me. Too big to ever be felled.”

 

            “I think that’s exactly the thing he would have wanted to be remembered for.” Kaz said after a moment, turning so she might read his words.

 

            “I miss him.” This, Kaz signed. Lily watched how the honesty took hold of his fingers, how he looped her locket between them by the chain so as to not risk a drop.

 

            He could have handed it back to her, but Lily said nothing. If Kaz wanted to hold it, he could hold it. It had belonged to his mother before her, anyhow.

 

            Lily wondered if it was easier for Kaz to admit his pain in silence. For Lily it was. It always had been.

 

            Kaz had gone still in the wake of what Lily would have deemed an obvious confession. Of course, the son missed his father. This… this was something she had noticed, too.

 

            Kaz, this new version of him that Lily was only beginning to know, did not open his heart often, and never for long. Sometimes he went so still after speaking about his own feelings. It was as if his bones were weighted with marble instead of marrow in the span of a second.

 

            He was this statuesque person now, nearly frozen in time save for the breath that continued to raise his shoulders. A complete and utter stillness that struck Lily as proper fear.

 

            It was as if Kaz were afraid of himself- of a betrayal only he could incite by revealing another shred of his humanity. A deep-rooted terror of the frail, vulnerable thing that lurked within all of them.

 

             The human heart. A relic so often overworked, overused- lost, and found too many times to count. A machine in the chest, labeled ‘vital’ in every anatomy, yet so tragically mistreated.

 

            To say she understood his fright was to undermine how she felt his marble bones as if they were her own. Lily could not relate more if she tried.

 

            “Bram was the only father I ever had. Only man I looked up to growing up.” Lily said now, deciding once and for all to give Kaz the pieces of herself she too, feared. “He was good. He never tired of me mucking around the farm with you boys- never turned me away for meals despite how little money I know he had, too.”

 

            Kaz glanced at her side-long, as close to a plea to keep talking as she knew she would get. She felt it.

 

            “I remember this one time I got to the farm early, you and Jordie were still tending the horses and doing chores,” Lily began, eyes turned to the sky. “But Bram was there at the house, sitting on the porch with Timber.” Lily’s eyes welled at the mention of the dog. He’d been such a loyal thing, so good and gentle. She supposed it didn’t matter if she thought of the man or the canine in that context. It was a fact of both creatures. A furious blink banished the threatening break in her composure.

 

            Kaz looked at her fully now, the center of his eyes brightened like full moons in a black sky. She smiled softly before speaking, it couldn’t be helped. “I remember that he just patted the stair beside him and let me sit with him. He showed me the signs you and Jordie had taught him, grinned when I corrected him like the proud little thing I was.”

 

            Kaz’s chuckle was a shaky leaf, a twitch of his shoulders, that tiny dip of his chin. A perfect, silent rendition of a melody Lily was certain could be considered beautiful- hearing or not.

 

            “Your father asked me to tell him if either of you ever did a single thing that made me feel bad about myself, made me uncomfortable. I was shocked because it was you and Jordie- how could you possibly- and I’m pretty sure I let my face show that pre-teenaged horror.”

 

            There it was again, Kaz’s small laugh. This time, a dimple threatened to carve his cheek when his lips curled into a tight smile.

 

            A gull fluttered overhead, a streak of black across the glowing clouds. Birds in the sky, their feet above water. Ketterdam’s fifth harbor, as Lily had seen it named on a street sign, was a direct opposition to the wheat fields and soil of Lij. With Kaz, Lily could hardly tell a difference. The same always-sky still stretched above them; the same hearts still beat in their chests- no matter the beatings they’d taken. The scenery had changed, but home hadn’t ever looked more familiar.

 

            “He laughed, didn’t he?” Kaz asked in sign, gaze so very distant. His look attempted to put space between his emotions and the world, but clearly Kaz did not know how impossible it was to separate the eyes from the soul. The deaf only saw it more clearly. She may not have Inej’s gift, to read him, but Lily knew sorrow’s shadow when she saw it.

 

            “He did.” Lily nodded. Bram Rietveld’s laugh had been the clap of aspen tree leaves in strong wind. A constant motion so distinctive that she knew it had to be loud. “Bram had corrected himself quickly, telling me how much faith he had in you and Jordie. Your father blushed, Kaz. He hadn’t realized how I’d taken it. Turns out, he’d only wanted to give me advice.”

 

            “What did he say?” Kaz asked, a fleeting smile crossing his mouth.

 

            “He was all flustered, telling me how sorry he was that he hadn’t any experience with a daughter,” Lily paused, a grin blooming unabashedly on her face. Ghezen, she missed that man. “Then he looked at me, all serious like. His exact words were ‘You do not take any shit from any man, Lil. Even my sons. You hear me? You put them in their place, and you keep that chin up. Ain’t no reason to accept anything less than consideration, respect, and honesty.’”

 

            “I don’t think I ever forgot that.” Lily finished, blowing out a breath through her teeth.  

 

            The crescent dimple on the left side of Kaz’s face, partnered with a smoking gun smile, was so Jordie.

 

            Lily imagined if she were to autopsy her own chest, pluck out her heart and rinse the gore, she’d find a scar the exact same size and shape as that dimple. Right there in the tender tissue, deep enough to mottle the color. It was the Rietveld scar, an honorable wound to bear.

 

            She felt it pulse in the wake of Kaz’s smile. She reminded herself of the tattoo on her left shoulder blade, a distinct comfort. The placement of the ink had been anatomically correct, precise. Jordie’s love, his hand, was always there at the back of her heart. She couldn’t see it without twisting awkwardly, but she could feel it.

 

            Jordie had her back.

 

            They fell into silence for a long minute, but finally, Kaz spoke once more. His eyes flashed with nerves, but his hands and lips did not tremble.

 

            “Maybe you told Jordie… but you never told me,” Kaz paused, head quirked as he searched for his words. “Do you… do you know what happened to your father? Did your mother ever tell you?”

 

            Of all things, Lily did not expect this question. Rarely did she allow herself to think of her sire, for he was nothing but some phantom that had lent a hand in her creation. The entirety of Lily’s life, it had only been her and Mama. Until Terese Arbor had followed Bram into death, too.

 

            It was all to say, Lily did not mind Kaz’s question- as shocking as it was. She’d already decided to give him whatever truth he might require from her to inspire his own. Fair was fair. If she could call him brother, she could damn well earn the title of sister. Of ‘friend’.

 

            “My Mama never said it explicitly,” Lily replied haltingly, “but I think I always knew the truth. Especially when I got older.”

 

            Kaz’s head was turned to her, his full attention centered on her words.

 

            “I did talk about it with Jordie, a bit. But only because he also asked, and you were even younger than we were. Jordie was hesitant to try and explain it to you… and it was only a suspicion.” Lily swallowed the sudden lump in her throat, cracked her knuckles. Kaz was patient next to her, gaze steady. “But… I’m sure you realized how devoted I am to Inej’s cause, how I was already before I even knew who she was.”

 

            Kaz nodded slowly, clearly recalling how Lily had already possessed Inej’s sigil on her kerchief long before she’d ever met the Captain in the flesh. It was true, Lily had loved Inej as a symbol before she’d ever been granted the chance to meet her. It still boggled her mind when she thought of it, how Kaz- the brother she’d deemed a ghost, had shown back up in Lij with one of the greatest idols for women all over Kerch. For the repressed people all around the known world.

 

            It was better to rip off this truth like a bandage. Better to get the sting out with a few sharp words. Lily breathed deep, exhaled the poison.

 

            “I do not think my mother consented to the union that created me.” Lily signed; vocal chords limp as cut string in her throat. “I believe she was raped, in Belendt. Before she moved to Lij. I… Emilia told you her story. I asked her opinion on my mother, and she agreed with my suspicion.”

 

            Kaz’s eyes widened subtly, lashes fluttering in a slow and startled blink. Lily thought of Emilia, all she’d endured. The truth was, Kaz’s aunt was lucky her bastard of a husband had never gotten her with child.

 

            Lily pushed on with a shrug of a shoulder, a clearing of her throat. “But my Mama… she… well. My mother never once made me feel as though I wasn’t her greatest joy. Sometimes when I look back… I think she had to be the strongest person to ever exist. She loved me when no one could have blamed her for making another choice. It wasn’t as if she’d had the money for access to a grisha healer to remove what had been forced upon her, not when she’d only just finalized her training to be a tutor and was jobless. But… she could have given me up. Could have kept me but resented the burden I placed on her life.”

 

            Lily glanced out to the sea, to the waves and ripples that were constantly racing toward distant shores. Nature, though wild, seemed so terribly loyal. The tide and the land, so committed. Mama had been that kind of wild, too. Lily could have drowned her in pain, but Terese Arbor had only invited love. The kind of love unique to parents and the shore. Sturdy despite knowing there would be a goodbye at the end and a thousand small partings in between.

 

            “She was forced to be a mother, and if that weren’t difficult enough, that daughter lost her hearing before the age of three. She didn’t have to learn a language for me, didn’t have to love me. She did anyways.” Lily finished. Her heart gave a familiar tug.

 

            It seemed Lily was always missing someone, looking over her shoulder to point out a pretty sunset and expecting to see the flaxen sheen of her mother’s hair or the crescent of Jordie’s dimple. For so long, Kaz had been back there, too. Somewhere just out of sight, chin dipped in joy.

 

            “Well,” Kaz began, shaking his head subtly. “Then I suppose we can share my Da’s memory…”

 

            Lily laughed, a snort escaping and cutting off whatever else he’d been about to say. Kaz paused, raised one eyebrow at whatever noise she’d made. His eyes sparked with tentative mirth.

 

            “You would have been his daughter-in-law anyhow.” Kaz finished, glancing down at the locket in his palm before handing it back to her. Lily’s fingers shook, warmth steeping her heart like a vulnerable bag of tea leaves. His words were so genuine, so easily given. They felt true. She and Jordie would have made it. Lily had known it at thirteen, and she knew it now at twenty-four.

 

            “Thank you for not trying to make me feel better about it.” Lily said softly, clasping the chain back around her neck where it belonged. “My father, I mean.”

 

            Kaz ran a hand through his unruly hair, crossed ankles swaying gently above the water. He’d loosened his tie, undone the top button of his shirt. He looked more like himself, as Lily knew him to be in Lij.

 

            “Why should I? Whoever he was, I say ‘was’ because I sincerely do wish him dead, is not worth my words. Nor yours. Nothing he was held any weight on the person you became. That was all Miss Arbor. And my Da.” Kaz shrugged. Lily bit back a grin at his polite title for her mother. She had been his teacher once, after all.

 

            “And you. And Jordie.” Lily amended. She thought for a moment, considering those who had rescued her after all the others, when she’d still been sixteen and lost. Alone. “And Adrie. And Emilia.”

 

            Kaz shot her an amused look. “So, Nina wasn’t lying, then? Emilia’s that renowned?”

 

            “Yes.” Lily huffed. “She’s quite proud of it. But believe it or not… she’s too humble. She doesn’t advertise her shop in the papers of the cities, would rather garner clients on her own terms when she dares to visit. She doesn’t want all of Ketterdam’s wives showing up in Lij for a new wardrobe. I think it also helps… protect her other profession.” She flashed Kaz a pointed wink.

 

            “Butcher.” Kaz breathed. Their joint laughter mingled, faded.

 

            Lily watched as he sipped his cocoa, eyes glazed. They both knew they were waiting on him, but it was nothing compared to the years she’d already endured.

 

            What was a minute to a clock that had never stopped ticking? An eternity to tired hands in constant motion. But weariness had long lost its novelty for Lily, who could brave a few more seconds all for the promise that she might be allowed to rest at the end of this ceaseless timer.

 

            Perhaps that was the truth of it. However tired Lily had become of waiting, it didn’t hold a candle to the exhaustion radiating from Kaz Brekker. Waiting was tiring in its idleness- but this boy had been running.

 

            “Give me your cup.” Lily said then, hand outstretched. She reached into her coat pocket, feeling the bite of cold silver against her fingertips.

 

            “Why?” Kaz asked slowly, fingers tightened on his now empty cup.

 

            Lily held up her dented flask, shook the liquid around for him to hear.

 

            “What is it?” His face was as skeptical as a child presented with something green and leafy. Lily huffed a laugh, shook her head.

 

            “Do you honestly think I wore your name around my neck for a decade just to sit next to you, make fun of you -and then poison your suit wearing ass?”

 

            Kaz handed her the cup, a flash of pink branding the tips of his ears. Lily glanced at him side-long. “Well, I suppose you’re already dressed for the funeral and I’m a mortician, so I’ll just falsify the autopsy report.”

 

            Kaz’s laugh was bigger than she’d seen thus far. She felt the vibrations of it in the wood planks they sat on. She grinned.

 

            “It’s lakeshine, but my cinnamon batch. You’ll like it.” She passed his cup back with two-fingers worth of liquid courage rippling within.

 

            Kaz sipped, eyes widening in equal delight to the cocoa they’d previously consumed. He peered into the cup before his eyes darted up to her.

 

            “Wait, your batch?” Kaz asked.

 

            Lily suppressed a laugh at his clear surprise. “Yes. I… well. I needed more kruge a few years back and… well.” She paused before remembering that her brother was a criminal, now. He could very well handle her crimes.

 

            “The morgue is a perfectly suitable environment for brewing, underground and cool. I just keep it in one of the body cool-chests. I mean- you saw Emilia get it out when you and Inej came to see me at work.”

 

            “But lakeshine is illegal for its high proof. It’s a prison sentence in Ketterdam for brewing.” Kaz said, eyes narrowed on her face.

 

            “And how many staadwatch guards would look in a morgue, you think? In Lij no less! The money is good and I’m pretty enough that farmers over-tip!” Lily groaned.

 

            Kaz smirked. “Good thing the closest thing either of us have to parents to see our adult lives is Emilia- and she’s as dirty as we are in the court of law.”

 

            He’d been teasing her, Lily realized. It felt like swallowing a shooting star. A rare, inexplicable joy.

 

            “I won’t tell anyone that you’re an illegal alcohol-brewing mortician.” Kaz signed. He took another sip of lakeshine.

 

            “And I won’t tell anyone the story about that time you got your foot caught in the fence and lost your pants at seven.” Lily replied with a smirk of her own.

 

            Kaz glared, cheeks just barely beginning to change shades. Curse his pallor, Jordie had been the same. They were pale in a way that negated blushing, whereas Lily could light up like blood smatter the moment she felt a hint of embarrassment.

 

            “Not even Inej is to hear that story.” Kaz warned.

 

            “If you say so, small brother.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

            Kaz sipped, pointed out the black dot of Inej’s ship far down the pier. Lily let him have his distractions. They had this time, and the sky held despite the loamy taste of rain echoing each breath.

 

            Only when Kaz sighed, eyeing his once more empty cup, did Lily feel the shift of energy between them. She wondered if he knew how his haunches seemed to rise slightly when he knew he was expected to talk about himself. Lily had noticed it multiple times this evening, even amongst his friends and fiancé.

 

            “You know how you said Emilia was the closest either of us has to a parent, now?” Lily began, running her hands over her thighs to keep the warmth in her fingers. He looked over at her, lips pressed tight. Lily withheld her frown, “I don’t think she’s ever looked at me with disappointment until recently. I hated it. Being out of Em’s graces felt backwards to me because she is so very selective of whom she calls ‘friend’.”

 

            “Why would she look at you with disappointment?” Kaz asked, hands balled into fists on his knees. He’d asked the exact thing Lily had wanted him to. She couldn’t feel bad for designing the prompt- it was quite true. And Kaz clearly needed further nudging. She gulped a greedy breath, embarked on her own speech of honesty once more.

 

            “Because I knew you had told her the truth about Jordie- about you. And I asked if she would tell me before I left with you and Inej for Ketterdam.” Lily admitted, the bite of guilt in her stomach was still fresh. “I shouldn’t have asked her. Put her in that position. It was unfair and unkind. But… I wanted to tell you that she didn’t break your trust. She wouldn’t. She reminded me that in this family, trust comes first.” Lily sighed, gazing anywhere but at Kaz. Fear tickled her conscious, warning that he might get up and walk away.

 

            “I also… I want her to be right. Emilia said you would tell me, she told me to have faith in you. And the thing is… I do. I… I wish I could sit here and tell you that it doesn’t matter. That the past doesn’t matter- only that you are here now. Maybe if I were better, if I hadn’t spent so long in such a dark place mentally… I could do that. Because it’s true in some way. I would not trade the knowledge that you are alive and loved, for any amount of the past. Yet… Kaz, I…” Lily fished for words, for the proper signs. She was a bumbling wreck with teary eyes, but she knew she had to say it, as messy as it was. All of it.

 

            Life was never clean, no matter how tidy you tried to be. Pain was always there to leave footprints on freshly mopped floors, heartbreak smearing blood on the walls like a toddler left unattended with a pencil.

 

            “I have treated you poorly since we reunited, especially the other night as you left Jesper and Wylan’s. I was cruel and miserable. And I want you to know why.” Lily heaved a breath, hands stretching from a monologue and preparing for the final act. She chanced a glance to Kaz, surprised to see his face turned toward her, too. His mouth was depressed, his eyes just a little too bright. There was a kindness within them, a courteous curiosity. It was enough to keep her confident. To hold her eyes on his face in case he might speak. She owed him that.

 

            “I have a terrible habit, I think. I allow anger to cloak my fear. Because that is what I have truly felt since the moment I saw you again for the first time. I was fucking petrified that… that you would turn around and walk away, back into my imagination where your brother lives on so vividly. It doesn’t make any sense, I know. But it’s like this sick sort of protection. If I just shove you away, fists pummeling and anger violent enough… then your absence will have at least been my choice. My breaking and myself to blame. I’ve never had that choice before, that power. Bram died. You and Jordie had to leave no matter how many times I prayed to a godless sky that you might stay. Mama died, no matter how carefully I treaded, how devoted I was to tending her illness…

 

            “It’s…” Lily’s voice broke, fingers hanging limp. Neither language offered the correct word.

 

            “Armor.” Kaz said in sign and mouth. “It’s armor.”

 

            His eyes glittered like onyx jewels, daunting and determined. Armor. Lily signed the word, feeling it fit around her mind. Yes, she thought. That’s what her anger had become.

 

            “Yes.” Lily breathed. She had always been a creature that leaned toward solitude, but her anger had manipulated that. Had transformed it into a metal cage in which she could look out safely, but none could wiggle through the bars. Her fear was an ironclad lock, rage the only key.

 

            “I… mean to say… I want to be there for you, small brother. But who I am won’t allow it without truth. Without knowing who you are. You were the light of Jordie’s life, and you were both mine in different ways. I do not think I can exist without knowing both of you, even if he will only be a shadow. A memory that only you can reintroduce me to.”

 

            Kaz’s throat bobbed, his hands tightening once before loosening from their balled state in his lap. His nod was delicate, bracing.

 

            “I will never stop having a brother, Kaz. But it is up to you if I am a stranger.”

 

            “I’m sorry, Lily.” Kaz said, hand pressed to his heart just as earnestly as he’d done at the stream during their first conversation in Lij. It was different, this time. Something real that Lily Arbor grasped onto. A rope in the dark.

 

            In the wake of this apology, Lily felt as if she were looking at them from outside her body. The two of them, shoulder to shoulder on the pier, the Ketterdam skyline but the ridged spine of some great black beast behind them. Fog seeping between the wooden planks and splashes of moonlight dappling their faces.

 

            It was the type of moment Lily knew she’d remember forever. Not just his words or the feelings attached to them, but every minute detail. She would remember the piece of Jax’s fur stuck to her jacket sleeve, the subtle spice of cinnamon lakeshine in her nostrils. She would recall even the lint beneath her fingernails in her coat pockets and the way her bootlace was partially undone above the starry black water. The glint of Kaz’s cufflink on his wrist, the angle between each of his fingers splayed upon his chest.

 

            Lily, most of all, would remember the distinct sense of a wrong being righted, as if the world itself had jiggled in it’s orbit and knocked something within her back into place.

 

            “I forgive you.” Lily said, and she meant it. She did not care what came after, what he might confess. It did not matter.

 

            Kaz shook his head roughly, “You can’t yet.”

 

            “I already did. And at the end of this, I will say it again for your benefit- if it will satisfy you.”

 

            Kaz stared at her, a tick in his jaw thrumming beneath his skin. After a long moment, he seemed to resign himself to her words. He sighed.

 

            “You are not wrong for requesting the truth from me. What you said earlier… you would not be a better person for not asking. This… this story belongs to you- almost as much as it belongs to me. Jordie would have wanted you to know what happened. How can I deny him that?” Kaz’s words were sharp, but not unkind.

 

            “You don’t.” Lily signed slowly. Relief flooded her… he was right.

 

            Kaz nodded, gathered a lungful of air, glanced behind them. He exhaled when he saw nothing lurking on the shadowy boardwalk, his features softening. It was like a glamor removed; his true self revealed. He faced her, body angled slightly in her direction.

 

            “My brother would want you to know that he loved you, and I want you to know that it’s because of him that I’m alive,” Kaz began, sliding his palms together in his lap and rubbing. Lily wondered if he was missing the gloves he usually wore, a mundane thought in the face of his words. “And for a long time, I considered myself part of the reason he was dead. But that is… that is not what I believe anymore.”

 

            Lily adjusted her coat, inhaled. This was it.

 

            “This is not a kind truth, but a terrible one. I’m told those are still preferable. My wife told me so I’m pretty sure it’s true.” Kaz continued, eyes sharp.

 

            “I agree.” Lily signed, mouth curving into a soft smile. “Captain Ghafa wouldn’t be wrong.” Kaz shook his shoulders out a bit, sitting straighter. Lily added on, “I loved him, too.”

 

            Kaz’s nose scrunched, an almost grimace. “I don’t even know where to fucking start.”

 

            “I find the best place to start in an autopsy are the parts where death gripped a little harder, left his fingerprints for me to find. Where pain echoes even after its end.  Most of the time, that’s easy to identify. Even the small touches.” Lily paused, “Start where the pain first began.”

 

            Kaz contemplated this, hands still rubbing. Now, Lily saw that his gold cufflinks were actually tiny bird silhouettes. Crows.

 

            “There was a magician on East Stave, and he made a coin disappear…”

 

            After that, Lily could only watch his mouth move, her heart chipping piece by piece in slow agony.

 

            Every single shard was in the shape of that crescent dimple the Rietveld brothers had shared.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

KAZ

 

            “You’re crying.” Kaz said now, at the end of all the ugly truth. His hands signed slowly, shakily. “Jordie would appreciate it, but he wouldn’t want it, hellvane. You know he wouldn’t.”

 

            “I’m not crying for him, Kaz.” Lily whispered through sniffles and salt. “I’m crying for you.”

 

            Kaz Brekker supposed it was a good thing- to find he was whole enough, healed enough, to break into halves. And break he did, from such a short sentence.

 

            He’d mattered the whole time to Lily. To Emilia. Later on, to Inej. Jesper. Wylan and Nina and maybe even for a little while, Matthias.

 

            It was only him who had ceased caring about Kaz Rietveld. For maybe the first time in his long journey towards humanity, Brekker turned to that boy within the dark space of his mind, knelt down, and apologized.

 

 

 

 

 

LILY

 

            She lit a lantern on the small oak desk in her guest suite of the mansion belonging to Wylan and Jesper. It was late, rain once more beginning to pelt the windows. She’d only just returned with Kaz, who had promptly wished her goodnight and went in search of Inej. Both of them were too tired, too worn out to make proper sentences after the last few bells. He’d promised to see her tomorrow, and for Lily, that was enough.

 

            It was a terse goodbye, the kind that was allowed between people who knew it was not final. A luxury.

 

            Her eyes were crusted, red rimmed judging by the glimpse she stole in the mirror. Part of her wanted to drop onto the plush mattress and weep until sleep came for her with it’s judgeless arms. Here, Kaz would not see how thoroughly she hurt. She’d tried her best to hide it from him, to give him the curtesy of believing her stronger than she was. She was the older sister.

 

            She did not allow the promise of dreamless sleep to win out. Instead, Lily pulled her bag from beneath the bed. Shifted her clothes to reveal the heavy wooden case at the bottom. She lifted it out and placed it on the desk with all the reverence it deserved.

 

            Sitting in the chair, Lily tied her hair back with a ribbon. She traced the brass latches on the dark wood case before popping them open with a soft click.

 

            The typewriter gleamed, a soft shade of navy with elegant keys. These were still new in terms of the world but were becoming more and more common place. This machine was already a decade old, but Kerch was only just starting to catch up.

 

            Lily eyed the typewriter, as she had so many times before. It felt surreal to sit here, finally. For Lily… this thing and all its keys had signified hope and despair in equal measure.

 

            Lily had bought it at a discount, and broken, at thirteen years old. She’d saved all her kruge Mama had given her for a year, and then padded that sum by helping in the nearby orchards after lessons. She and her mother would never have been able to afford it any other way. It had been worth it, despite how costly. Despite the hours Lily had spent hunched and cross-legged on the floor of her tiny childhood bedroom, fixing the broken keys with screws and tools she’d scavenged in wheat fields after the day’s work- forgotten by farmhands and harvesters.

 

            This typewriter had been intended not for Lily, but as a birthday present for Jordan Rietveld.

 

            He’d always had a book in his hand, always going on about how he might change a story. Then, he’d begun thinking about his own that he wanted to write, someday. He’d known he must become a merchant in Ketterdam, but Lily knew Jordie’s true passion was storytelling. This gift was meant to be a way for him to write quicker- easier. A reminder of who he could still become, even if the dream had been put on hold to take care of his brother.

 

            In his final letters from Ketterdam, he’d written Lily poetry. A short story about a stray cat that still made her laugh to this day when she thought about it.

 

            Lily had made Jordan promise to find a way to visit Lij with Kaz for his birthday. She’d wanted so desperately to give it to him in person.

 

            His letters had stopped before that birthday. His last one had confirmed his promise to find a way to be there.

 

            That September seventh was still one of the worst days of Lily’s life. She’d been a hopeful, romantic girl- and Jordie did not make promises lightly, nor was he ever known to break them. Despite his silence for months, part of Lily had held hope that he might just waltz up to her door on his birthday, Kaz in tow. Apologies spewed about the faulty post system and a hug tight enough to crunch her bones. A kiss when Kaz was distracted.

 

            Lily had never used the typewriter. Not once. She’d only ever pulled it out of the case to stare or cry or simply dream. When she’d decided to end her life, Lily had handwritten a last will and testament on a flimsy piece of scrap paper. It was not legally filed or worth anything, but she’d hoped whoever found her body might honor it. The only thing she had of any value had been this typewriter, and it had been the only thing in her will. She’d left it to simply ‘Rietveld’.

 

            When Lily had survived her attempt on her own life, and decided to keep surviving, she’d made a different promise to this typewriter. She would either die with it in her possession, or live long enough to hand it to a Rietveld herself.

 

            Once, she’d thought she ought to give it to Emilia, once she’d learned of the seamstress’ relationship to the Rietvelds’. Then, Jordie’s headstone appeared on the hill overnight.

 

            Kaz could still be alive, and with that, the true Rietveld name. Her promise would wait another eight years.

 

            Until now.

 

            Lily fed paper into the slot, and prepared a goodbye to this storyteller, and another one. Her favorite one. The keys pressed easily under her flying fingers, bothered not by her tears that dripped steadily.

 

 

 

Dear Jordie,

 I’m here in Ketterdam, for the first time. I saw your brother today and you’ll be glad to know his cheekbones are a little less spectacular than yours. I got the better-looking brother, but I think I’ll wait to point that out to Inej at the most opportune moment. Maybe I’ll even make Kaz blush.

He told me about it all. About the harbor and the plague. But more importantly, I got to know Kaz again. He told me about after you, about his climb to a throne in the dark. Do you have any idea how proud you would be of him?

Do you have any idea how proud I am of you, too? You did everything you could, my love. You tried harder than most would have, and saints… your brother loved you.

He’s not quite our little nuisance anymore, but he’s still our small brother.

            I love you.

You saved him, Jordie. He made it back to shore. I cannot imagine the strength that took, for both of you. I know you were still with him as he swam. I know you’re probably downstairs with him now, too.

Don’t think I don’t know the truth. I remember, Jordie. The moment he told me about the council of the tides, how they set the current to float the bodies out to Reaper’s barge from the top of their tall tower. The opposite direction of land. Nothing could have cut through that current, yet a nine-year-old boy did, despite sickness and starvation and grief. Jordie…

I knew. I couldn’t tell him, but I think I always knew. Even if I didn’t know about me, yet.  

I remember the way your hands would swirl, every time we skipped rocks at the smooth basin of the creek. How your stones would ripple the water in such elegant designs. How the water would part as you turned your hands absently.

You didn’t know, but I think I did. I hadn’t thought of it in years, but tonight, Kaz made me remember.

You got him back to land safe, your bones made it possible. You made it possible, gave him a nudge.

He did the rest, and he did it in honor of you. He became a boy you would have hated, and then he did the bravest thing one can ever do: He healed. He became a man you would have adored.

I love you. Have I told you that yet? We both do. Me and Kaz. Your aunt Emilia, too.

I wish you were here. I wish I could have loved you for a lifetime in person. But I’ll still love you for a lifetime from afar.

Don’t worry too much about Kaz. I promise I’ll be here from now on, and I’ll torment him enough to make sure he knows it’s from the both of us.

Inej and Jesper, I’m sure you know them by now, they’ll be here, too. Wylan and Nina. Em. We got him. A love story still came from all of this, even if it wasn’t ours.

I love you. I miss you. I vow I’ll burn like hellfire to keep your ghostly self-warm, until I can do it with my arms instead.

On every finger, I promise. I promise all of it.

Even in the end, I’ll see you again, Jordan Rietveld. Wait for me on the porch by the wheat fields.

 

            Yours eternally,

            Hellvane

 

PS- Please do find Matthias Helvar and tell him his little red bird misses him. Maybe you can be friends. Or he might call you a demon like he did your brother. It seems like fifty-fifty odds to me, darling. Take the risk anyways, for me.

 

PSS- Give your Da my love.

 

           

           

 

            She folded the letter, fed it to the flames of the hearth, a postmark to the afterlife stamped in the burning curl of the edges. Lily shut the case of the typewriter.

 

            Tomorrow, this would belong to Kaz Rietveld. She figured criminals and barrel bosses might make use of a way to write with anonymity.

 

            It would be a gift to a Rietveld, exactly how she’d intended.

Notes:

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chapter summary: WHAT

so... did you catch that thing I tried to hide for so long? *dies of nerves*

Chapter 169: Freedoms Afforded

Summary:

A little domesticity in the heart of Ketterdam.

Notes:

CHAPTER 169!!!!

HELLO ALL. I HAVE RETURNED. To start out, I just want to say that I know you guys have had to be patient the past few chapters, having a lot of character centric things happening outside of just Kanej- and thank you. Thank you for waiting for me. I know some of you were not as happy about that- but I appreciate you being here for me and waiting so graciously. It's been a really rough month on my end, between self-doubt amplified by more external doubt than normal. It's also been hard life-wise, if I'm candid. Emergency vet visits for my cat, car problems & dealing with my uncle's estate finally being resolved. It's a lot. But if there is one thing I'm always grateful for- it's you guys. I know I say it often, but sincerely. You, my readers, are a single bright spot for me in the dark so very often. Thank you. Thank you a thousand times over. <3

Anyways, I do hope you enjoy the chapter. It's a simple one, but one I actually quite enjoyed writing. It felt lovely to take a bit of the heaviness out, but if you squint you can still see the plot ;) Anyways, it's a tad shorter at 3.5k but that's because the next chapter is long on it's own and also ALL kanej moments. Don't you fret. <3

Thank you again. I love you all, and I've missed you. I'm sorry I haven't been as reliable lately, it's just been rough. I'm doing the best I can- but my sincerest apologies if this isn't my best work. I wanted to make sure you guys had this though, and I appreciate you. I cannot believe we crossed 800k reads. It boggles my mind.

I'd love to hear from you in the comments, if you have the time. I could use some inspiration right now, and I just miss you. <3

"Basic Channels" by Josiah & the Bonnevilles (It's the domestic vibes. Wesper & Kanej. You get it.)

INEJ

 

            Sweeping fog gathered like cats around their legs as Inej and Wylan walked arm-in-arm down Fernstraat. The air was clear for Ketterdam, the storm had blown away much of the coal-burning smog in the past few bells. For now, though, it was simply breezy and humid. No rain fell, exactly as Inej had predicted when she’d told Kaz it might be a good time to take a walk with Lily Arbor. Her stomach twinged, imagining how that conversation might be going. She sent a silent prayer to the Saints for her avri, for strength, even though Inej knew better than anyone that Kaz possessed more of it than most of the world combined.

 

            Wylan was chattering easily about the food market they currently strode towards. It was apparently a hidden gem on this side of Ketterdam. Inej had not even known of it, a grocer in the financial district that was open all hours. Normally, only the Barrel truly thrived under the black covers of night. Truthfully, Inej was glad of this turn of events. After Kaz and Lily had departed, Jesper and Nina had begun drinking happily and trading shanties. Any other night, Inej might have been content to join in, singing in her own tuneless voice. Yet. Tonight, Inej’s spirit had leaned toward quiet, toward softness if not solitude.

 

            The evening had been a whirlwind of sorts, both chaos and peace. Both draining and entirely filling. It was this cringe of her own social fortitude that had led Inej to wandering into the Van Eck kitchen, finding Wylan there too. He’d been in the midst of depositing plates on the drying rack, apparently having done all the post-dinner washing himself. Here, Inej had eventually remarked to her friend about the fact that she and Kaz had not even bought a single food item to stock their apartment.

 

            “Do you want to go out? Get some things?” Wylan asked with an easy smile. “I’m certain those two are occupied in the living room.”

 

            “I’m going to be gone in a few days,” Inej had replied, attempting to hide the melancholic note in her voice. “I suppose it would be a waste.”

 

            Wylan’s chin tipped in thought, his eyes narrowed skeptically. “And just how often does Kaz Brekker afford himself time to go to the market, let alone eat said groceries?”

 

            Inej laughed earnestly. It was so very true. Far more often than not, Inej suspected her fiancé subsisted on one meal per day whilst she was on the sea. Too busy, too focused to remind himself to consume fuel for his own body. It was how Kaz had always been, though Inej had seen minor improvements from him in her time on land. He slept regularly, at the very least. She knew she had certainly aided on that front.

 

            So, here they were. A couple of late-night haunts bound for a hidden food market. Inej soaked it in, this precious time she’d been granted with Wylan and his gentle timber, his considerate countenance. The Saints had been kind indeed. Inej only hoped Kaz felt the same beside Lily. She wondered if he’d taken her to the harbor- if he’d pointed out the Wraith.

 

            “So,” Wylan said now as they crossed the desolate cobblestone street toward the market. “Lily.”

 

            Inej hummed, chin dipped into the collar of her coat. She’d known Wylan must have made the same connection as Nina in the dining room, when Kaz had dropped that wine bottle. Her friend was brilliant, the truth was not obvious but something like it. Nina had admitted the truth in so many words, and so had Lily.

 

            “Yes. Lily.” Inej answered, thinking once more of her avri and the red head. Was that conversation going well? Inej certainly hoped so. In all honesty, she knew very little of the mortician, but she seemed to have quite a reasonable head on her shoulders. Clearly still cared for Kaz. For Inej, that was enough to have hope.

 

            “I like her.” Wylan replied, surprising Inej. He smiled as he released her arm and pushed open the door to a squat red-brick building. The window held a bakery display and signs for sales, warm lamp light puddled the sidewalk in the late evening air.

 

            A bell chimed merrily above them as they entered the shop, a small grocers filled with tidy oak shelves and a back wall of produce suspended above ice chests. Wylan unfurled a canvas bag from his jacket pocket, passing it along to Inej as he saluted the gruff shopkeeper behind the front counter. The corky spice of tobacco smoke danced beneath her nose, emanating from the hand-rolled cigarette between the keep’s arthritic fingers.

 

            “He’s not very talkative, but Stan has some of the best prices in Ketterdam.” Wylan whispered to Inej as they turned to the aisles. Inej could hardly contain her giggle.

 

            “The richest man in this city is a bargain shopper?”

 

            Wylan shrugged. “What’s the point of spending more than necessary?”

 

            “You and Kaz.” Inej smirked. “Rich old dragons who hoard.”

 

            “We share plenty.” Wylan huffed as he lifted a bottle of apple syrup on the shelf beside him, inspecting the expiration date. “We both just believe in spending on the right things.”

 

            “Like elevators.” Inej smiled, thinking of Kaz’s lift in the High-Wire. Truly, it was an outrageous expense, but one Inej had genuinely been immensely proud of Kaz for investing in. The amount of pain he’d be saving his knee from was worth every cent to Inej, and for once- Kaz had looked out for himself in this way.

 

            “Like elevators.” Wylan agreed with a chuckle. Inej selected a box of rice from the shelf, stuffing it into the shopping bag. It felt nice, this simple pleasure. To buy groceries for an apartment she shared with Kaz. Even if she’d not be there to eat the wares, it was a thing of normalcy. A promise for peace of mind for her future self- to think her fiancé might actually be tempted to eat if the food was right there amongst the cabinets of home that he would walk by each day.

 

            For a while, she and Wylan walked in companionable silence. He dropped salt and pepper into her bag, she shot him a grateful grin. She reached for a bar of hand soap and Wylan directed her to a better scent.

 

            He was right. The lemon bar was simply abhorrent. The lavender, however, made Inej want to bite the bar like candy.

 

            Wylan smirked when Inej stepped on her tiptoes to reach for a navy wax-wrapped bar she recognized. It was the same kind she’d seen Kaz use for shaving his face. If she smelled it to be certain, no one had to know. She wanted to lick that bar, too. She’d settle for the man.

 

            At a stand of fresh apples, Inej spoke softly once more. She and Wylan were the only customers in the shop at this hour and fully across the store from the merchant in front. It was private enough to speak candidly. “I like Lilly, too. I think… I think Nina needed to hear that someone understands her in a way that maybe none of us really can.”

 

            Wylan shifted through the fruit, looking for the best pieces. He paused at her words; an apple balanced in his palm. His responding voice was low, almost shy.

 

            “I didn’t even know Kaz had a brother.”

 

            Inej tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, saw Wylan’s trembling inhale. It was obvious words still lingered in his mouth, fighting their way out.

 

            Wylan sighed, looked up at her. His blue eyes caught the overhead lanterns, igniting in sparks of navy. His lips pursed; he tossed the apple between his hands.

 

            “I don’t blame him, you know.”

 

            Inej quirked her head, tracing the furrow that appeared suddenly between her friend’s brows.

 

            “I mean… It’s not something he’s required to share with anyone. Even if it seems like you all knew that about him, about his brother. I just mean… I wouldn’t blame Kaz if he never told me. Not with who I am. Where I come from.”

 

            “Wy-" Inej gasped. His words were shocking, and terribly untrue.

 

            “No, seriously, ‘Nej. I’m being realistic. Friends or not, I’m the head of the merchant council. It would make sense if Kaz… kept certain things about himself from me forever. We’re technically two heads of the city, each of us the only likely candidate to take down the other. Not to mention how my father… well. We all know what he was like. Is like, I presume. Even if his awfulness is contained to a cell in Hellgate.”

           

            “We both know you aren’t like Jan, Wylan Van Eck.” Inej began seriously, snatching the apple from his palm to stop his fidgeting and tossing it in her bag. She supposed she might buy peanut butter to go with it. Wylan peered at her with some reluctance, tucking his hands deep into his trouser pockets.

 

            “I can’t speak for Kaz, but I can tell you with all the certainty in the world that Kaz did not single you out and keep his truths from you out of fear of betrayal or because he found you lacking. It’s…” Inej gestured to the apples uselessly. “It took Kaz a very long time to understand that none of us are going to betray him. I think he’s had to learn how to trust. It’s been a slow thing, but he does now, I think.”

 

            Wylan nodded stiffly; eyes not quite focused. She pressed on. “Besides, why would he fear your knowledge of a brother who is already long gone- yet trust you, the head of the merchant’s council, enough to bring someone he cares for like a sibling into the home you own?”

 

            Wylan ran a hand through the unruly red curls on his head, sighing. “You’re simply being nonsensical, Wy.” Inej offered a small smile. “I’m just curious what has you thinking of Jan after so long. Let him rot in his cell.”

 

            They pushed on through the aisle slowly, Wylan’s thoughts nearly as loud as a wind chime beside her. She let him take his time. Finally, he released the words as Inej pondered whether to buy a vial of cinnamon for Kaz to spoon into his coffee.

 

            “Jan’s appealing for another trial. He’s petitioning for a reduced sentence- yet… not his innocence in the sugar scam anymore. Just leniency. The barristers don’t think the trial motion will get approved by a judge without a unanimous vote from the Merchant council. My vote. Herrin and the others have been pushing hard, Inej. None of them wanted me and Jes to snatch the power of my Da. New blood in Ketterdam makes the establishment nervous. Makes it clench.” He paused, tightening his fist in the air. Inej loaded a few more spices into the shopping bag and tried to ignore the silver chill that needled her spine.

 

            She couldn’t believe she hadn’t heard of this news. Though, Inej supposed it had been quite some time since she’d been out spying. Spidering. She wondered if Roeder had caught the scent of this, if he’d left it in reports for Kaz whilst they’d been in the countryside. Perhaps Kaz just hadn’t gotten to it, yet.

 

            “Even if those old bastards need the Van Eck fortune to stay in the Exchange, they much preferred my father over me. Over Jesper. We don’t think the city should stay as it has always been.

 

            “I’m wondering what they’re getting at, pushing for the hearing. I know it’s not out of loyalty to old friendships- my father fucked over every man at the table at least once in his career. He’d still be in prison for a decade even with a reduced sentence. It makes me wonder what it’s really about. What the plan actually is. I’m head of the council by law- I hold the most wealth, but I know they have their old boys club. Herrin leads them all.” Wylan frowned, catching his breath. Inej could tell this had been eating at him. Saints, her voyage had taken over everything. She’d not considered what was truly going on in Wylan and Jesper’s lives as of late.

 

            Inej considered his words- Wy had a point. Fucking Jan Van Eck. She should shimmy into Hellgate just for the sport of breaking his legs. What was the slimy man up to?

 

            “Want me to see if I can find anything out about it? It’s been awhile since I fleeced an office, but the Merchers’ are easy picking. We both know Kaz doesn’t miss anything at the Club either- he’s got ears everywhere. Servants talk, and so do powerful men when they’re piss drunk and losing at three-man. If there’s something else to it- I doubt it would be difficult for one of us to find it out.”

 

            Wylan regarded her with eyes that suddenly looked much more tired than they had before. “Only if you have time before you sail,” he answered softly. “I know you have much to do, even if I’m still irked that I don’t know where you’re going.”

 

            Inej fiddled with a jar of honey, taking far too long to deposit it within her bag, rearranging the cans and boxes noisily.

 

            “I will see what I can do, but Kaz will still be here. You know he won’t stand for Jan to get an inch. You know he won’t.” Inej replied gently, guilt flooding her belly. It would be safer if Wylan and Jesper never learned the destination of the Wraith. She couldn’t trust Kane not to target anyone she cared for. Her family.

 

            Most of the time, Inej was already weighed with the thoughts that Kaz was involved. Her only comfort lay in the Dregs and their unmatched loyalty to Kaz. The fact that the Wire, the Crow Club, and even the Slat after recent modifications, were strong holds. Complete with loyal eyes and ears at every corner. Not to mention the weapons.

 

            “Thank you.” Wylan sighed, shoulders drooping.

 

            “Shall we?” Inej made a show of hefting her bag of wares, bursting with actual groceries. Her efforts proved fruitful when Wylan shook with laughter, began herding her toward the counter.

 

            As the shop keeper tallied her bill, Inej was struck by the sight of all she’d gathered. Rice, spices, vegetables. Soap and even some extra candles and matches for their bedroom. Inej remembered buying packets of biscuits and a tin of tea for herself every now and then, back when she’d been only the spy of the Dregs. Back when she could barely imagine a life in which Per Haskell did not still lord her indenture above her head- above Kaz’s. She supposed this was the first time she’d ever properly stocked a kitchen in Ketterdam.

 

            She liked it. Liked the freedom that swept her up in the mundane moments afforded to her in this life that was all her own.

 

            Wylan was right. Stan charged half as much as some of the places in the Barrel. She’d barely had to make a dent in her purse.

 

            It was sincerely ridiculous how excited Inej was to tell Kaz about the little grocers.

 

            She thought he might smile, anyhow. At least when she handed him the licorice she’d nicked on her way out of the shop.

 

            If she’d tipped Stan enough to cover it anyhow, Kaz didn’t need to know.

 

            It was the thought of theft that counted in Kaz Brekker’s heart, Inej knew.

 

 

 

KAZ

 

            Kaz departed from Lily in the foyer, seeing Nina asleep in the living room, face pressed into Trassel’s white fur on the sofa. The wolf’s head lifted at his sigh, eyes aglow. Kaz smirked as he walked past, dropping a hand to scratch behind the beast’s ears.

 

            He needed to remember to ask the chef in the restaurant in the Wire for the lamb bones. He’d bring them over for Trassel to gnaw on.

 

            There was no sign of Jesper, but Kaz heard voices slinking from the kitchen door beyond the dining room. He pressed on, determined to find Inej and maybe just go the hell home. The past few days had been enough.

 

            Enough emotion. Enough turmoil. Enough of everything beyond Inej and the fucking quiet apartment they shared and his work.

 

            It had been too long since he’d fought someone.

 

            There was also the matter of the Black Tips and the Liddies clawing for his territory. Anika hadn’t yet said it explicitly- he’d not given her the proper audience to do so, but Kaz was certainly ready to nip that in the bud. He was a viper after shedding- fresh skinned and famished for bloody carnage.

 

            But Inej is leaving, a tiny voice pestered him. He gagged it immediately. Growled, ‘Not yet’.

 

            Kaz opened the swinging hinged kitchen door soundlessly, finding Inej sat atop the chopping block counter, booted feet swaying. Wylan and Jesper sat at the island in stools, a spray of cards in both Inej and the Merchling’s hands. Jesper was peering over his fiancé’s shoulder, pointing something out with a whisper. The room was lit from the hearth on the far fall and a round chandelier above, Kaz could still smell anise in the air, presumably from when Nina had baked his cookies. He would not forget those here tonight.

 

            Inej looked up at him immediately, berry hued lips summoning a brilliant smile. His shoulders released a tension he hadn’t been aware he was holding.

 

            “Mera chaar, help me! Jesper’s helping Wylan cheat.” Inej began, smirking at Jesper’s affronted scoff.

 

            Kaz couldn’t stop himself. He hummed, glancing at the table, and recognizing a five-card draw version of rattaker’s. It was a game he rarely dealt in the club due to it’s simplicity. He also knew it was a perfect game to cheat at. Not that he would unless Wylan and Jesper were winning.

 

            Anything for his girl.

 

            Kaz sidled up to Inej, leaning his cane against the counter. She tilted her hand to him, displaying the cards. He looked at the current stack on the table.

 

            “Who’s dealing?” Kaz rasped.

 

            “Me.” Jesper winked.

 

            “Ghezen, no wonder you have such a bad hand.” Kaz whispered to Inej.

 

            Jesper glared. “Rude.” Kaz ignored him, tapping two cards in Inej’s hand. She regarded him with a double take yet trusted him by laying them on the table.

 

            “Rude and a better card player.” Kaz quipped. Inej poked his shoulder. “I mean Inej is the better card player,” he corrected, lifting her unoccupied hand to his lips, and pressing a kiss to her knuckles.

 

            In two turns, Inej won. Wylan’s blue eyes were globes on his face. Jesper was hollering with laughter.

 

            “Home?” Inej whispered in his ear from her perched position on the countertop.

 

            Kaz didn’t answer with words, only conveyed his ‘please let’s go the fuck home’ with his eyes. She smiled, understanding as easily as he knew she would.

 

            Inej Ghafa. Thank the fucking Saints and all their ugly mothers.

 

            Kaz made plans for a meeting with Jesper about the Club the following afternoon as Inej shared a hushed conversation with Wylan. Only as they were prepping to head out did Kaz realize Inej was hoisting a bursting canvas tote over her shoulder- one she had certainly not brought with them that evening.

 

            “What is that?” Kaz asked once they passed through the front door onto the bricked porch, having successfully stepped quietly past the dozing wolf and her grisha mistress in the lounge. Well, Kaz moved sneakily. Inej walked normally. Kaz had his box of cookies, half-eaten much to his own dismay and fault, under his arm.

 

            “Groceries.” Inej beamed up at him. “Wylan took me to a market he knows of while you were with Lily.”

 

            Kaz raised a brow, trying to take a peek into the bag hanging from her shoulder. She swatted him away.

 

            “What, you don’t trust me to stock the kitchen once you sail, Wraith?” Kaz smirked coyly.

 

            “Not a chance.” Inej huffed, nose scrunched delightfully. Kaz looped an arm around her waist, pulled her close in the dim sconce light.

 

            “You’re right.” Kaz remarked into her hair, smile hidden.

 

            “The correct response is ‘thank you, Inej, treasure of my heart- for making sure I eat and sleep the proper amount for human beings.’”

 

            Kaz chuckled, held her tighter still. “Thank you Inej, treasure of my heart, for all of that,” he whispered lowly.

 

            Inej pulled out from under his chin, looked up into his eyes questioningly. Her arms remained wrapped around his waist. “You seem well. It went well then, with Lily?”

 

            “Yes.” Kaz rasped, too distracted by the newspaper sticking from Inej’s grocery bag to elaborate. Or perhaps just too distracted by her.

 

            Suddenly, Inej’s lips were pressed to the underside of his jaw. His head tilted back for her like a tree in the wind, eyes drifting shut at the bliss of her skin against his. How long had it been? Hours? It felt like days. His future self, the one awaiting her return from the sea, laughed green envy.

 

            “Tell me later?” Inej whispered to him. He nodded, knowing they still needed to walk all the way home. Damn it all.

 

            “Come on. We should get home before it starts raining again in earnest.” Inej kissed his throat one last time. He caught her before she could move away, pressing a lingering kiss to her lips, gloved hands cupped around her bronze cheeks.

 

            She smiled and Kaz thought that maybe the world was only ugly to those who had never seen love reflected in the eyes of a woman in silk with knives strapped to her body, hidden to all but him.

 

 

            “Why do you have a copy of the Belendt Journal?” Kaz asked as they walked hand in hand over a bridge, not yet near the Barrel. He’d plucked the newsprint from the bag he now carried despite Inej’s protest about his leg. He’d keep his promise to her, they’d alter the weight of the wares.

 

            “Look at the headline, I thought you might be interested.” Inej replied, mischief glittering in her dark eyes. “We’ve only been gone a few days, but it appears much work is being done by one of our own.”

 

            Kaz looked at her quizzically before scanning the black and white page, dated for today.

 

            “BELENDT BUTCHER STRIKES AGAIN!” The paper read.

 

            Inej had to pause for him to stifle his laughter against the bridge railing. He prayed no city dweller saw Dirtyhands bursting at the seams in the street, spurred on by a murder headline.

 

            He didn’t need the accusation on his near spotless criminal record. He was only a year away from having his previous arrests expunged despite his criminal empire.

Notes:

So, how was it? I can't wait for the upcoming scenes. Love you.

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come say hello! It would mean a lot to me to see yall on my other platforms- you have no idea how much it helps aspiring authors like myself. I do also post occasionally funny SoC things & updates about my own books ;)

Chapter 170: By The Throat, By The Heart

Summary:

Kaz and Inej go home, and try to make it last.

Notes:

CHAPTER 170!!!!!

Hello, dear readers! <3 How I've missed you. It's been a little over a month since I last uploaded but it feels like it's been much longer. To say that life has gotten in the way lately would be an understatement, but I hope by now you all know I'll always come back, until we finish our story here and every one after. Anyways, I don't say this to bring down the mood or for pity- I've just realized I prefer to be more authentic on the internet. I could lie & say "it's all perfect!! I'm good!!!" because that's what most social media of any form is, ultimately, but I just wanted you to understand if it seems that I haven't been around as much as I usually am, or if it feels as though I haven't been putting work into getting content out as much for you all. I promise, my writing is my happiest place to be, and even in times like these, I will scratch and claw every moment I can to work on my stories. I'm sure that doesn't mean too much as a reader whose been kept waiting, but I do hope you understand.<3 I'm still here, + I hope that soon I'll be back to posting more frequently. Real life is just very difficult.

Anyways, I appreciate you for still being here, for reading my rambles, and for being patient. I love you all & a most sincere thank you to those who have checked out my other socials lately (kofi,tiktok etc). It means so much to have you guys around. Your support has helped in so many ways and made a really scary time in my life a lot less lonely. I don't think I have to explain to anyone in this fandom how important that is. <3

ps- this is the chapter I wanted to have up for my bday last week/kanej anniversary/jordie bday (Sept. 7th), however it took a bit longer. I do hope it was worth the wait anyhow. <3 I love you guys! I'd love to hear from you in the comments if you have the time!

"Sweet & Dark" by Miles Hardt (this song is so kanej coded I can't even explain it to you. GO. LISTEN.)

INEJ

 

            The lift cage whirred to life, the bronze fittings glittering around them as they ascended from the ground floor of the High-Wire. Inej glanced over at Kaz, a mistake.

 

            They were both restraining laughter behind their lips, like a pair of school children with pockets stuffed full of stolen sweets. Inej laughed harder when she realized that no one in the Barrel might believe the Wraith and Dirtyhands giggled like maniacs when alone.

 

            Especially the two Dregs’ members they’d just left to fend for themselves in the lobby. Anika and Pim, standing in a stinted, obviously awkward conversation. Inej felt for them, truly. Still, it felt good to be on this side of the line. Once, she and Kaz had danced around each other like that. Like them. Ignoring and burying the love they felt and burying the hurt they both inflicted upon the other by simply being too close. Too far. Too traumatized to admit the glaring truth that everyone else could see.

 

            “Anika looked so cross when we came in,” Kaz wheezed. Inej caught herself on the guard rail, gasping with one hand pressed to her belly. He pressed on, “We own this building but for a second I was nearly afraid of my own fucking lieutenant.”

 

            “I know! Did you see how angry Pim looked? His smile… it looked like… like….” Inej couldn’t breathe through the words. “He looked like you! You being forced to have tea with Alys Van Eck in her singing phase!”

 

            “Hey!” Kaz protested, the tiny squint lines around his eyes belaying the stern edge he tried desperately to thread into his voice. “That’s not true, Wraith.” He poked her ribs lightly with the head of his cane. “I wouldn’t even attempt a smile in that situation.”

 

            Inej’s eyes watered, Kaz’s fit was renewed with her own chuckles as the lift came to a gentle halt at the sixth-floor landing outside their apartment door.

 

            Stumbling out of the cage with the bursting grocery bag, Kaz turned to her with the most boyish grin she might have ever seen on his face.

 

            “Saints,” Inej breathed, accepting his proffered arm with a shaking exhale. “I just decided exactly what I’m going to arrange for you if you ever well and truly piss me off, future husband.”

 

            Kaz’s dramatic grumble echoed in the empty hall, “If you say an evening with Alys Van Eck, we’re going to need to have a serious conversation about the future of our partnership, Captain Ghafa. Both personal and professional.”

 

            “I wouldn’t dream of it, mera chaar,” Inej winked. “I’d make sure to arrange the entire day, not just a single evening.”

 

            Kaz’s glare was a thing of softness when turned in her direction. She smiled innocently as he pulled his keys from his inner breast pocket.

 

            “You wouldn’t dare.” Kaz grumbled, the corners of his lips trembling as she stepped on pointed toes to plant a kiss to the side of his cheek.

 

            “Don’t test me, Brekker.”

 

            Kaz’s eyes grew hazy, the sconces casting deep shadows across his cheekbones. “I love it when you threaten me,” he murmured in a gentle rasp, gaze slinking over her once more before pushing the door open and gesturing her inside.

 

            Inside, Inej flipped the switch beside the door and listened to the quick buzz as the gaslight sconces ignited and burnished their home in shades of amber. At the windows, Inej heard what could only be described as excited caws. The clap of feathered wings against the glass panes.

 

            Inej did not even have to ask, for Kaz was presenting her with the loaf of bread she’d bought at the grocers. His eyes danced knowingly between her and the windowsill.

 

            “I’ll put it away.” Kaz gestured to the bursting satchel of groceries that he deposited on the counter with a thud.

 

            Inej grinned, toeing out of her boots right there in the kitchen before bouncing toward the windows. The roof awning protected the sill well enough from the rain, allowing Inej to hoist herself up beside the crows. The loamy breeze swept into the apartment, brushing her cheeks. She flexed her bare feet, smiling at the gale that tore through her damp hair. She began her task. Tearing up the bread was easy; her birds had become much better mannered since she’d first found them at the Slat.

 

            Now, only the occasional peck at her knuckles served to remind that for every moment she took, another corvid was simply wasting away from starvation.

 

            A caw sounded from one of the smaller birds, too loud for such a sleek little body.

 

            “Hush, you lazy bastards!” Kaz called from the kitchen, laughter swelling in his voice.

 

            “Don’t listen to him, he’s just cranky I spend all my time telling you all how smart and well-mannered you are.” Inej mock whispered.

 

            “Fuck, I am cranky about that.” Kaz called. Inej peeked over her shoulder, watching as he organized the groceries on the countertop, eyeing each thing before looking toward the few cabinets and shelves. Meticulous, down to the smallest task. Inej loved him for it.

 

            “You have a wonderful personality.” Inej hummed slowly.

 

            Kaz scoffed, setting the box of rice back to the counter. She looked back at him through the curtain of her hair. “And what else?” he probed.

 

            “What do you mean?” Inej smirked as two crows pecked the bread pieces from her cupped palm.

 

            “Tell me I’m smart and well-mannered, Wraith. I don’t think my ego can handle the blow you’re laying to it.” Kaz goaded, chin tipped in thought. “Also, I’m fairly certain a ‘great personality’ is determined by the number of persons who would actually enjoy my company easily. I don’t think you and Jesper are exactly a healthy sample size.”

 

            Inej giggled, turning in the sill to better face him. Knees tucked to her chest, she turned her cheek against the frame and studied Kaz’s profile as he tucked the spices away on one of the empty shelves. His outer coat now hung on the hook beside the door, his blazer discarded to the back of one of the dining chairs they’d yet to use. His sleeves were rolled up.

 

            Inej liked it when Kaz’s sleeves were rolled up. She’d not tell him. He didn’t need that power.

 

            “Look at you, fishing for compliments! Jesper would be proud.” Inej quipped instead. She was quite pleased with this view she’d managed to gain. Kaz Brekker, organizing their kitchen cabinets. Her sixteen-year-old self would have been terribly confused, yet entirely intrigued.

 

            Kaz’s graveled chuckle carried to her over the patter of the rain and the rustling feathers of the crows. Her smile only widened when he knelt to put the spare candles in the low cabinet, tossing an unruly black strand of hair across his forehead. She quite liked the trousers he’d selected tonight.

 

            “Not fishing, simply waiting to be appreciated.” Kaz remarked, a coy glint sparkling in his eyes as he rounded up a bowl for the apples she’d purchased to leave on the counter.

 

            “I’m appreciating you right now.” Inej replied when his back was turned, bent over to tuck the extra matches in the cabinet with the candles.

 

            She was appreciating how lucky she was that Kaz preferred tailored clothes. A flush crept to her cheeks as he stood, eyes narrowed at her over his shoulder. She’d been caught.

 

            “I’m hoping that was an appreciation for my grocery management, Wraith. Otherwise, I’d have to assume you’ve taken a few more steps toward sin.”

 

            “The second one.” Inej beamed unabashedly.

 

            Kaz’s laughter was brighter than expected, truer. His head was tossed back, elegant neck displayed. Inej wanted to kiss along it, marvel at the noises she could carve from him in such gentle circumstances.

 

            Kaz limped toward her, cane abandoned by the counter. The crows wiggled their wings, but his eyes barely shifted. Inej hadn’t expected the soft brush of his finger on her cheek, the shell of her ear, tucking hair away.

 

            “What?” Inej asked in his sudden silence. His mouth still curved in the ghost of a smile, his gaze content.

 

            Kaz shook his head in dismissal, dropped a kiss to the crown of her head. “Just thought I’d give you a better view.”

 

            Inej huffed as he strolled away smugly.

 

            “What inspired Wylan’s sudden urge for a shopping trip?” Kaz asked then, lips flattened as he realized he still had half the wares to put away. He pushed a strand of crows-wing hair from his forehead, frowning at the large selection of teas Inej had indulged in. He shot her a look dressed as a glare. Mirth was hard to disguise. Inej shrugged.

 

            “I suppose he went for me, but I think he’s stressed.” Inej answered with a frown, doling out more bread from the loaf beside her. She figured now was as good a time as any to tell Kaz what Wylan had said about his father- about Jan’s petition to the criminal courts and the merchant council for a reduced sentence and leniency. It still bothered her, how Wylan’s lips had quivered. How he’d said, ‘my father is no longer claiming his innocence.’

 

            “About the college opening?” Kaz guessed, organizing the tea tins on the counter beside the sink basin and stove. It took a few moments of careful observation before Inej realized he was alphabetizing them from chamomile to sapphire lotus. Just like he organized his clothes by color.

 

            “No,” Inej replied, wishing it might have been such a normal anxiety that had stuffed their merchant friend’s eyebrows together in the dim lighting of the market. “Apparently Jan is petitioning the courts for leniency and a reduced sentence.”

 

            Inej watched Kaz’s back, witnessed the slow coil of muscles beneath his starch white shirt. She knew the landscape of his body, she knew if she pressed her palms into his shoulders at just the right angle, she’d find the knots he still carried no matter how much he rested. Her fingers tightened around her knees; she too was angry. The tension was broken by the caw of a crow as it took flight from the ledge beside her.

 

            “On what basis?” Kaz growled without turning.

 

            “I have no idea,” Inej answered honestly. “But Wylan knows the courts won’t enact a decision one way or the other without a unanimous vote from the Merchant council.”

 

            “And Wylan knows all those old bastards never wanted him to take his father’s chair at the head of the table.” Kaz replied, already connecting the pieces in his mind. He turned to face her from across the room, the silver tea tins gleaming in a straight line under the amber glow of the sconces.

 

            At that moment, Inej wished they had a sofa already. She might flop herself dramatically upon it in true Nina fashion just to scream curses of Jan Van Eck into the cushions.

 

            Jan was never supposed to cross any of their minds again. They’d won years ago, and that foul man was to rot in a cell until the Saints came for vengeance.

 

            “Right,” Inej nodded, leaning her head back against the cool wood of the window frame. A dust of rain dotted her cheek when the wind changed directions, but she welcomed the cold on her anger flushed skin. “And if Wylan doesn’t go along with it…”

 

            “Target on his and Jes’ backs. Likely put there by Herin.” Kaz supplied with a tight grimace. He was folding the canvas bag up now, tucking it beside the door to return to the Van Eck- Fahey residence. She shivered at the mention of Herin, Wylan’s biggest rival on the council and a man who had been all too eager to witness Inej’s own hanging. “I’ll bet Jan’s still got a few staadwatch grunts in his pocket, maybe even a few in Hellgate. I’d even wager that Herin pays them in Jan’s stead.”

 

            Inej knew Kaz was probably right, Jan had been a king for years, on the legal side of the border drawn between the Barrel and the rest of Ketterdam. As Wylan and Kaz stood now, it had once been Jan and Pekka Rollins. The difference was obvious. Wylan and Kaz stood as allies, loyal friends.

 

            “Wylan thinks Jan is up to something.” Inej blurted, mindlessly braiding the ends of her hair, eyes dancing over the foggy skyline outside their window. They were the tallest building in this corridor, but the clouds lay too thick to see more than a slice of black water. Fifth harbor was bedded down in a comforter of moisture, thick and heavy. This storm was certain to be menacing, the first of Kerch’s monsoon season.

 

            Kaz had a hip propped against the countertop, arms crossed on his chest. His chin tilted, considering. Scheming.

 

            “I told him I might try and find some information for him before I sail.” Inej added absently, eyes clicking back to the threatening coastal clouds. She’d need to see Specht again in the morning, take extra precautions with the ship to weather the storm. The last thing she needed was a snapped mast when she intended to leave with the queen of Ravka after the weekend.

 

            What a ridiculous turn Inej Ghafa’s life had taken.

 

            Kaz was quiet for a long moment. If Inej listened close enough though, she swore she could hear the spinning gears in his mind whirring- a steady war chant that began the moment his enemies stepped out of line. It brought a warm sort of calm to Inej’s chest, nestled beneath her ribcage like a curled cat. Kaz would help parcel out her worries- defend their peace and that of their closest friends alongside her. She was not alone at sea yet.

 

            “Jergin Rindger is a regular at the Crow Club. He gets sloshed and makes passes at the staff. Anika has removed him from the premises more than once, but it’s been more frequent as of late according to Pim’s reports from the doors. Twice just while we were in Lij.” Kaz spoke distantly. Inej waited, knowing he was speaking aloud as much for her benefit as his. She did know the merch he spoke of. He was on the Merchant council. Inej summoned Jergin’s face from the dredges of her mind, memories from her time as a spy. An old man with a fluffy white mustache that he wore slicked in oil to maintain curls at each end. Bald. She remembered his broken teeth, too. Yellow like tar from years of drink and smoke.

 

            “I’ve not ordered him permanently banned only because he rolls high, and it pays to keep the merchant council frequenting when they don’t think I’ve so much as taken notice.” Kaz smirked down at his shoes.

 

            “I wonder if he has loose lips after they’ve been wrapped around a bottle. He used to be quite close with Jan.” Inej huffed a quiet laugh.

 

            “I intend to find out. He’s a big fan of rat catcher.”

 

            “You love dealing rat catcher.” Inej turned her head back to him, a smile tugging her lips.

 

            “That I do, Wraith. What a coincidence, I just remembered I’ll be personally dealing a high-stakes invitation only game in the upper lounge Sunday night. I’ll bet Jergin would like to come.”

 

            “I told you that you have a great personality.” Inej grinned, knowing he’d had no such plans until she mentioned Wylan’s worries.

 

            “Ah,” Kaz tsked. “That is where you are wrong, mera nadra. I just really like rat catcher and adding mercher funds to my income.”

 

            “Right. Not out of loyalty to Wylan.” Inej chided. “It has nothing to do with that.” She stood, stretching her arms as the last crows took flight into the dreary night sky. As she slid the windowpane shut, the city lights of Ketterdam looked like nothing more than a hazy collection of stars in a thunderstorm. It was pretty, in it’s own crude way, the smog pushed out. It all seemed more manageable at a glance, a place without enemies.

 

            “Right.” Kaz hummed as she strolled past him to the bedroom.

 

            “Make me a cup of tea?” Inej called over her shoulder as she began to remove her bangles to place in the little tray she kept beside the bed. “Not out of loyalty or anything.”

 

            “Fine.” Kaz grumbled through a restrained chuckle behind her. “I’ll do it only because that’s what my sparkling personality demands.”

 

            Inej threw a bracelet back at him. He caught it, pocketed it.

 

            “Don’t throw shiny things at Crows. We keep them.” Kaz winked as he disappeared from view. She heard the sink run, the splash of water into her tea kettle as he ignited the small stove.

 

            She smiled as she unwrapped the green silks she’d worn for dinner in the bathroom mirror. The gilded edges of the glass caught the light, striking everything gold. Inej opened the drawer where she’d stashed the small shopping bag. She’d hidden it from Kaz since Lij, deep at the bottom of her travel satchel. The paper was thick, a soft pink. The letters ‘EW’ were a calligraphy brand on the sides, surrounded by thorned roses.

 

            Inej glanced at her naked body in the mirror, at the bottle of perfume beside the sink. Tried to summon the confidence she’d felt the day she acquired this bag.

 

            Inej remembered Emilia Winstrad’s raised brow as she’d stood in her shop the afternoon before they’d left the small farming village. “Is it… uncomfortable, if I buy something from your collection in the back room?” Inej had asked, shifting her weight from one foot to another. It had taken her two days to work up the courage to walk into Kaz’s aunt’s shop for this, to find a window of opportunity when Kaz wouldn’t notice her absence.

 

            Emilia’s lips had pressed flat for a moment before twitching into a sly smirk.

 

            “You certainly look uncomfortable.” Emilia had responded, nails tapping against her work desk beside her.

 

            Inej groaned, cheeks burning hotter.

 

            “Ghezen, child. Go. Pick whatever you like, no charge.” Emilia huffed; words diluted by a satisfied chuckle. Smoke from her pipe glided through a shaft of afternoon sunlight, making the seamstress appear something more divine than human. Elegant and dark.

 

            “What? No. I’ll pay.” Inej shook her head resolutely, voice closer to a whine than she’d ever thought herself capable. She should pay for putting them both in this ridiculous scenario.

 

            “No, you won’t. So long as you’ll promise me to apply the same mindset to lingerie as you would to your clothing.” Emilia said, eyes already swiveled back to her current design, pinned to the mannequin in front of her.

 

            Inej’s stomach dipped as the truth for what she was here for was admitted so clearly. “What mindset is that?”

 

            “You’ll pick something you like- not what you think… anyone else might like.”

 

            Emilia cleared her throat, her only sign of acknowledgement to the awkward situation. Her dark eyes flicked to Inej once, a knowing gleam shining within them.

 

            Somehow, it made the knot of tension in Inej’s belly loosen. She smiled, relief tugging her muscles. “Thank you, Emilia.”

 

            “Go,” Emilia flicked a wrist, her silver bracelet glinting against her slender wrist. “Before I recall you’re engaged to my nephew.”

 

            Inej grinned as she walked into Emilia’s back room, darting for the black soft things she’d seen during her first tour of the space. She knew exactly what she wanted.

 

            Inej had never bought such things before, but now… She held a secret in faintly rose-scented tissue paper that crinkled luxuriously between her fingers. If Nina knew, she’d probably cry tears of joy. Then make some comment about Kaz’s hair and his unworthiness.

 

            Inej smiled. It wasn’t for Kaz, though she was excited to share it with him and even more certain of his mutual enjoyment. She was enamored with this shiny shard of reality- that she and Kaz had even reached such a point in their relationship.

 

            She’d never thought she’d want to wear something like this after the Menagerie. After the undergarments Heleen forced her to wear beneath those cheap costume silks- if she was allowed to wear anything at all. Those mocking contraptions of lust that had been far more mature than Inej’s own body.

 

            But… why couldn’t Inej choose something like this for herself? Why should she shy away from feeling beautiful in womanhood because of an ugly girlhood? It wasn’t fair.

 

            Inej had been in Emilia’s perfumed shop when the light had fractured through the gauzy curtains and highlighted the oil-like sheen of the black satin. It was modest in comparison to some of Emilia’s more intricate sets, lacking garters and ornate slips... but for the first time, Inej had wondered what it might feel like to wear something like that.

 

            She’d wondered how wide Kaz’s eyes might go, the only eyes she’d ever want on her bared skin.

 

            Now, Inej pressed her fingers to the bathroom door, shutting it softly and turning the lock slowly so Kaz wouldn’t hear from the kitchen.

 

            I deserve this, Inej thought to herself. I deserve a little more peace before I lift up my blades to fight once again.

 

            The sea is covered in storm clouds, and I will wear the night on my skin and kiss the moon.

 

*****WARNING! SPICE AHEAD! YOU MAY SKIP AHEAD TO THE CUT IN THE NEXT CHAPTER & CONTINUE ENJOYING THE STORY!<3*****

KAZ

 

            The kettle whistled through the apartment, jarring Kaz from his cursory glance through the little furniture pamphlet Inej had so subtly set beside his coffee mug from this morning.

 

            His mind hadn’t truly seen the renderings of sofas or chaises, rather in his thoughts was Jan Van Eck strapped to a very large dart board of sorts, bound, and gagged. It wasn’t clever or inventive, but Kaz had time to brainstorm.

 

            Kane De Vries. Jan Van Eck. Tante Heleen. The rowdy fucking Blacktips making grabs for Dregs territory.

 

            It all needed to be dealt with, but Kaz would prioritize. He much preferred to have a list for all his tasks, and tonight only one thing glowed with priority.

 

            He poured the hot water over the chamomile buds and leaves he’d spooned into Inej’s mug. This.

 

            Her.

 

            “Tea, Wraith.” Kaz rasped, voice raised slightly. The chipped purple mug steamed beside him as his attention drifted back to the image of a small black sofa on the pamphlet page. He peered closer, pulling Inej’s bangle from his pocket and twisting it between his fingers as if he were putting on a show for the cannisters of tea he’d just organized. He flipped it through his fingers, the shadow across the counter gliding like an ouroboros. Quick. Quicker.

 

            He pulled it from his pocket again. It was trickier, that fast slight of hand with such a piece of jewelry. A large, fixed circle. No bending allowed.

 

            “Hmm? Oh, thank you.” Inej’s voice came from behind him, he’d felt her lingering there for a moment now. “I wanted to know which pocket you’d pull it from.”

 

            Kaz’s lips cracked into a grin as he straightened to face her. He’d had an audience after all.

 

            The air seemed too thin, sliced by his own teeth as his jaw snapped shut, parted again.

 

            Inej wore black satin and lace. Only black satin and lace.

 

            She looked like twilight. Like sin in sunlight.

 

            “Chamomile.” Inej smiled coyly as she pulled the mug across the small island, nimble fingers curling around the ceramic.

 

            Kaz reminded himself to blink twice before his muscles actually followed the command.

 

            “I see you picked out the same sofa I was looking at.” Inej’s lips pursed blowing across the steaming surface of her tea. Her eyes flicked down to the counter.

 

            Kaz heard the words, could hardly make sense of them. His eyes were busy traveling down the lace of the brassiere covering her breasts, the top half of her ribs. The flowing satin of the shorts she wore that fell to her mid-thigh. Little black ribbons tied at the ends.

 

            He wondered what the fabric would feel like between his teeth as he unknotted those delicate bows.

 

            Her fucking legs. Inej was short, but her legs were long. A shiver ricocheted down his spine. Kaz knew what it felt like to have those legs wrapped around him, her delicate ankles crossed at the small of his back.

 

            “Anyways, thought I’d turn in early.” Inej shrugged with a tiny smile, turning her back to him. Black hair swishing behind her, nearly to her ass. She took a step further, as if she’d been wearing anything else besides that.

 

            Ghezen, bless me with greed.

 

            Kaz could only process so much. She was walking away. Not good, Brekker. Then, a reach of his hand. A strangled noise from his throat, like a drowning man.

 

            She halted, looking down at the bangle now glistening on her wrist. She grinned, fingers pressing gently into the metal. Her ochre eyes clicked to him.

 

            “I thought I’d reached the limits of my depravity, Inej, but you’ve reignited my imagination.” Kaz whispered, eyes catching on the bronze plane of her stomach, trekking back to the glittering gold of her nose ring. She’d left it in. Saints.

 

            “Oh?” One eyebrow raised; she sauntered closer to him. His clothes felt too tight, his skin aflame in her burning orbit. “You know, on second thought…” she whispered, a hand reached behind him toward the counter, “I think we should use the furniture we currently have before we worry about new things.” She flipped the little pamphlet shut with a single finger.

 

            Kaz’s eyes involuntarily flicked to the doors of the bedroom, the mattress beyond it, covered in the charcoal sheets Inej had bought them before Lij. He’d never made love to her in their own bed. The thought was a meteor shower, violent and bright.

 

            Time to rectify that. Slowly. Quickly. Repeatedly.

 

            He’d be damned if that bed didn’t smell like sex before she sailed.

 

            Kaz gazed down at Inej, her skin so close and far. Her chin angled up to him, defiant and entirely aware of her knife-edged beauty. Good.

 

            “I think that’s a wise financial decision.” Kaz quipped, voice burning. “About the furniture, I mean.”

 

            Inej’s laugh erupted just as he slipped his hands around her, right to the soft skin where her ass met her thighs. He squeezed, fully intending to pluck her right off the ground.

 

            “No,” Inej skittered out of his grasp. “You are not hurting your leg simply because you are incapable of leaving me on the ground.”

 

            She left no argument, backing toward the bedroom with perfectly balanced steps. He felt the pull of his tie, only now registering her grip.

 

            She was going to kill him. It just might be the best night of his life.

 

            Kaz let her pull him, her teeth grazing his jaw the entire time. His hands slid over her satin and lace as if he were on the edge of a cliff, searching for a single handhold. It was true enough.

 

            His lips found hers, a crash of the tide against the land. Natural, easy. Necessary. She made quick work of his vest, his tie. He shrugged out of each, fingers hardly leaving her skin.

 

            Everything was so violently soft. Her skin, the smooth satin. The fragile lace. Kaz kissed her harder, pulled her closer. Swallowed the gasp in her throat like whiskey on his tongue.

 

            Rain pattered the skylight above them, candles flickered at the sides of the bed. She’d lit them, planned to bring him here. He sighed into her.

 

            “Did I do something very good or am I dead?” Kaz groaned against her mouth, hands buried in the long strands of her midnight hair. Her subtle perfume enveloped him.

 

            He felt like he had a fever and he’d not even gotten to remove her clothing- what little there was of it.

 

            “Neither.” Inej whimpered as he trailed a hand down her spine, discovering the corseted back of her top on the way. He gave the laces a loose tug, tempted but half-hearted.

 

            “Then why do you have this on?” Kaz rasped, lips ducking to the slope of her neck. He ran his tongue along the ridge of her collar bone. How long had it been since he’d tasted her? Too long.

 

            Kaz had never been so confused in his life. He wanted to leave her lace on, he wanted to rip it off with his bare, blessedly bare, hands.

 

            An idea began to form in his mind as she spoke. “Because I wanted to wear it.”

 

            Kaz groaned as her hands slid down his body from his ribs to his waistline. He heard the clink of his belt as it fell to the floor.

 

            “I like it.” Kaz muttered dumbly, half to himself. “I like it very much.”

 

            Inej’s giggles rattled his chest, her hands plucking at the buttons to his shirt. One went flying, sliding across the dark oak floorboards.

 

            Kaz glanced after the button, something cracking in his chest. He hoped he didn’t find that button until Inej came home from the sea. It was a thought from nowhere, a humbling sledgehammer.

 

            He picked her up as she laughed despite her earlier warnings, carried her to the bed as he kissed each noise from her lips. Drunk off it, he whispered in her ear.

 

            “Tell me you’ll come home.” He rasped.

 

            “I can’t promise that Kaz, you know I can’t.” Inej replied gentle and hesitant, legs still wrapped around his waist, her breath hot and electric and alive below his ear.

 

            “I’m not asking you to promise. I’m just asking you to say it and make it real.” Kaz answered, hands gripping her close, closer. He didn’t know why it was there, this need to hear her say it. To hear it in her voice once more that this night was not one of the final pages to their story.

 

            Make it real.

 

            Fearless.

 

            Inej leaned in close to his ear, her fingers threaded through his hair. She tilted his head toward her, lips tickling his skin.

 

            “I’ll come home to you, Kaz. I’ll always come for you, too.”

 

            Kaz felt a measure of relief cascade over him, over his aching and impatient body.

 

            Then, he was kissing her. Kissing her like it was all just the beginning.

 

 

            Lightning cracked across the sky, across fifth harbor’s warped black mirror.

Notes:

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So, I know it's frustrating to have it broken up.... but I promise it will be worth it. ;)

summary:
Inej: killshot in lace
kaz: lemme touch

Chapter 171: Dawn Arrives With Royal Heraldry

Summary:

Some midnight revelations & a meeting long overdue. Kaz is frustrated. Inej is hopeful. Nina is swindled. The mortician is the swindler. The Queen is fashionably early.

Notes:

CHAPTER 171!!!! FINALLY!!

Hi guys! I... I know it has been a while since I've been here, yapping at you through a screen. BUT I am back. It’s been a long time coming, I know. I also recognize how abrupt my absence was. It is the longest break I have taken from this story since I began, just over three years ago. I apologize for the unplanned nature of it, however I can’t apologize for taking it.

If you do not wish to hear a ramble, please continue on to the story with my gratitude for your presence- I hope you enjoy. 🖤 ALSO there was originally going to be spice in this chapter, however I elected to cut it. I promise it fits better in another upcoming chapter- plz forgive my misdirection in my last upload.

Quite simply, my absence was unavoidable. Back in the fall, I went through quite a rough patch with Real Life TM, just many things all at once… and after I made it through that… I ran face first into a wall. A creative block. A season of burn out I have never experienced the likes of which before. Suddenly, my writing, my happy place in this world- wasn’t available to me. It was like all the words were hidden behind foggy glass. I could see the shape of them but couldn’t make out what they meant. It was, frankly, heartbreaking. I kept trying. I kept opening up my laptop and staring at the cursor flashing. I recognize how incredibly lucky I am as a writer to have the speed that I do, but suddenly it was zero miles per hour. In these three years, I have written over 800k words in fanfic, and drafted the first 3 novels of my own creation. It was a lot- which made my halt that much more jarring.

When I faced it for what it was- burn out- I realized I had to take a hard step back as I want to write for the rest of my life. I could not push myself to a point I couldn’t come back from, heal from. My wells were all empty. Emotionally, physically, creatively. For a story like this, centered so much in character development- I simply could not give you that in this depleted state. If I was not fully human, neither would the characters be so. I do not know if that makes sense, but Kaz & Inej mean so much to me that I could not offer them what they deserved like that. This story takes a lot of my heart, a lot of soul, and I’ve never wanted to give it anything less. I had simply run out of pieces to offer, everything needed to scab over.

Anyways, shame is a vicious beast, my loves. I felt so awful, so weak, for not being able to push through. For the story’s sake, but also for you guys. Without you, I do not think my life would be the same. Over three years, I’ve come to think of you, my readers, as dear friends. I did not want to disappoint you or let you down. I wish I could have articulated this to you before leaving- but it took so long to even understand what was happening in my own mind.

So, I’m sorry, loves. I know I have lost readers and followers, but I picked myself up. Stood back up a little stronger for it all.

If Kaz & Inej have taught this writer nothing else- it is that we never stop fighting. I meant what I said, but I know many were concerned: I do not abandon stories. This will be finished. I would never forsake something that holds so much of my soul nor would I rob Kaz and Inej of the ending they have always deserved.

Thank you, dear readers, for holding this story in your hearts when mine was too weak for it. You are the best readers an author could hope for & I never go a day without truly believing that. And I’m not even published yet. I am, truly and extraordinarily, lucky.

Happy reading. No mourners. 🖤

Song: “Follow You Anywhere” by fawlin, Bangers Only (SO GOOD)

PS- I am also uploading a new work right after this chapter goes up- for a different fandom! It’s surrounding Astarion from ‘Baldurs Gate 3’ (another broody boy who deserves to heal from SEVERE trauma) and an archer of my own creation named Nyxtria. If you are not a part of the fandom but still want to read- that’s okay!! You won’t need knowledge of the game to read the story & anything you do need I will put a reference for in the notes and if I forget something please ask in the comments!! It’s going to be another story about healing set in a strong fantasy setting and just to hook you a bit more into checking it out… If you love Kaz as much as I do, but also love Jacks from the “Once Upon A Broken Heart series” but throw in queerness like David Bowie & a bit of Jesper’s humor… you’ll love Stars. Nyx also is a bit like Inej in the sense she’s a badass & super dexterous but also very different in some (what I hope is) awesome ways.

It would mean the world to me if you check it out- even just the comfort of seeing some familiar people reading would do wonders for me! I’m terrified to post for another fandom, It’s scary because the Grishaverse is so wonderful. 🖤🏹

KAZ

 

            Kissing Inej held the taste of holy speech. Chapels, altars. Windows stained in prayer and paint. Clove incense, the salt of the sea, pine, and sweet amber honey. Magnificent arcane things a sinner should have never known the taste of. Kaz Brekker had never been one to play by the rules set about by man, let alone Saints or Demons. He had heisted his way here to kneel before her consecrated ground, heart bloody in hand- and worship he would.

 

            His fingers were knitted the lithe curve of her waist, pale knuckles bunched in the spider-web delicate lace that hugged her skin. He laid her unto the bed, body pressed in the charcoal satin sheets. Rain lashed at the skylight window above them, her hair a spill of ink across the down pillows. Slowly, Inej’s fingers unwound from his hair, swirled down the length of his arms in patterns he could never discern from sight but felt in the tips of his toes. Her hands searched for his until he twined their fingers together. Knots of ghost and sunlight on either side of her head, her knees still notched around his hips.

 

            Kaz leaned down, face ducked to the hollow of her throat where he skimmed his tongue across her pulse that fluttered as wildly as his own. Her gasp was unabashedly needy, a suli curse chimed between her breaths. He smiled into her skin, menacingly pleased with himself. Her chest rose unevenly beneath him as he pulled back, the candlelight carving shadows into the grooves of her collarbones and the gentle cleavage her lingerie only seemed to magnify but not alter.

 

            “You’re staring instead of kissing, Brekker.” Inej whispered throatily.

 

            Kaz nipped at her ear in response, feeling her hips rise off the mattress. He bit back a groan and far too-many crass curses.

 

            “Behave,” Kaz tsked, a chuckle rumbling out without his consent.

 

            “I’ll behave when you do.” Inej snipped, her head turning toward him, eyelids held at half-mast and lashes fluttering.

 

            “Not likely then, is it?” Kaz pressed his lips to hers, blood ignited by the feel of her tongue sweeping against his own. A noise, helpless and amused tumbled from her mouth to his.

 

            At times, Kaz remembered how foreign this idea had once been to him. Kissing the girl he looked at every day with such desperate, inconsolable affection. A wanting he hid behind bricks overgrown with lichen and threaded with thorns meant to slice at anyone who dared attempt a climb over his walls.

 

            He should have known better. He should have known the very day he deemed her Wraith- that she would succeed. It had only been a matter of time.

 

            Inej’s fingers slipped from his, twining back up his arms, tugging at the remaining buttons of his half-undone shirt. He pressed closer to her, hands bunching in the sheets beside her. Her work was meticulous and speedy, before he knew it, the air kissed the skin of his chest, the fabric sliding off his shoulders and lost somewhere beyond the bed.

 

            Inej’s breath caught, a sharp inhale. Kaz pulled back, eyes taking in each line of her face, hunting for the faintest trace of fear, the shadow of an awoken demon. “Did I do something?” Kaz asked, voice scratching.

 

            “No.” Inej looked up at him, lips cured up at the corners. It was a fragile sort of grin. One different than most Kaz had ever seen from her. It frightened him, sent a melancholic bolt right through his lungs.

 

            “What is it?”

 

            Inej’s shoulders shuddered on her exhale, one hand pressed flat to his chest above his heart. She didn’t respond right away, only rubbed her palm against his skin, eyes focused there instead of his face.

 

            “I do not think my worst fear is of dying at sea, at the hands of any slaver.” Inej whispered, “I just realized that I think.”

 

             Kaz wondered if she could feel his heartbeat spike beneath her hand, like a hammer on anvil. An angry bash of lust, metal, and passion. He waited, shifted his weight to an elbow, pushed a long strand of hair behind her ear. Neither of them moved away, in fact her legs tightened on him.

 

            “That is my greatest fear.” Kaz confessed quietly, eyes trained carefully on her face but not her eyes.

 

            “You are not like other people, Kaz Brekker.” Inej’s voice shifted, lightened. He took a hesitant look at her eyes, scoffing because he very well knew he was not like other people.

 

            “Was it the gloves that gave it away or my obsession with sleight of hand? Ghezen, I was hoping you hadn’t noticed those fantastic personality traits.” Kaz goaded, watching her laughter bloom roses on her gilded cheeks.

 

            She shoved on his chest playfully, catching her breath from her sudden bout of giggles. He offered the best roguish smirk he could manage in return.

 

            “No, shevrati. I meant that you put so much value on my safety but hardly any on your own. I was being serious unlike you, Dirtyhands.” She hummed.

 

            “My hands are still remarkably clean for a man with such temptation beneath him in a dimly lit bedroom.” Kaz replied, watching her eyes roll and feeling her laughter against every inch of him. He was not being dense; he simply knew how to make her laugh. It never got old.

 

            Who wouldn’t make Inej Ghafa laugh when given the opportunity? What magician wouldn’t pull her worries from behind her ear like a coin and transform them into golden joy?

 

            “On that, we agree.” Inej answered, eyes simmering. “But I want one thing  before I allow any tricks from you, Mr. Brekker.”

 

            “What’s that?”

 

            “You cannot promise me your safety, just as I cannot promise you mine. I know that. What you can offer me, though, is a vow to be cautious while I’m at sea. To say, and make it real, that you will be standing here whole and well when I return, too.” Inej said, voice laced in hope. She was using his own words against him, one of her finest tactics.

 

            Seeing her eyes, vulnerable and trusting, Kaz could only press closer to her. Her breath slinked over his lips; the breeze of her lashes blinking was felt on his own cheeks.

 

            Kaz could not offer her much, but he could give her this. She was asking him for something she needed, despite her pride and confidence in what was to come for them. He could hardly deny her- his saint, his wraith, his wife- anything, but this especially. Kaz could offer her his strength to buttress her own doubts.

 

            “I will be here, Inej. I have too much to do to drop dead.” Kaz said, simple but entirely serious. “I will not change who I am, but I have changed how much I value my life, mera nadra.”

 

            Inej smiled slowly, eyes on his. She closed the distance between them, kissing him deep and languid. Sealing these words with a kiss until they could speak the promises- the vows- they actually wished to.

 

            After that, the night was but a blanket around them as they spoke for long hours in a language of lovers- teeth and nails, lips and tongues. Hearts and sweat.

 

            It was a world all their own, private, and sterling. A place of honesty for a thief of secrets and a thief of wealth.

 

 

INEJ

 

            Dawn was a bleak cluster of tinged-black clouds through the skylight above her, made soft by the foggy lens of pattering rain drops. Her face was half-turned, one cheek still pressed to Kaz’s bare shoulder, her arm tingling with sleep, slung across his waist under the sheets. His breathing remained deep and even, soft.

 

            Inej knew she should rouse with the storm clouds. She had much to do in the coming weekend before her departure. She needed to see Specht, inventory supplies, retrieve an advance from the bank for her crew before this job. Masts needed final checks and spare sails looked over. A queen needed to be located. Inej knew the queen of Ravka was here in Ketterdam, potentially only as recently as the evening prior.  

 

            It was time to face this voyage, no more pushing it off. Lij had been a dream, but Inej was past due for a dose of reality.

 

            The man beside her made it difficult to want anything of the sort. In truth, she felt like a small girl again. She wanted to pull the blankets over her head and nest in the warmth until all was safe and easy again.

 

            Inej closed her eyes, tempted to allow herself one more hour after such a blissful night. Her consciousness was just beginning to drift off once more when the whirring began.

 

            It started soft, a low whine that tickled her ears. Inej clung to that misty veil between sleep and consciousness like it was indeed that safety she’d longed for.

 

            It stopped, the mechanical whine, only to be followed with the thud of scurrying footfalls.

 

            Kaz sat up abruptly beside her, eyes squinted, and lips pressed into a scowl.

 

            “Was that my fucking elevator?” He snarled, hair falling into his face.

 

            The elevator! Of course… oh no. Inej cringed into the pillows. Anika had a key for the lift, but so did Jesper. What was it now, this early in the morning? Maybe they were lucky…maybe Anika had only come up to deliver some missives to the door for Kaz as she had done once or twice before both here and back at the Slat.

 

            Kaz was roaring angry, even through a yawn she could see it. She supposed he had only slept for three hours… she’d been a bit demanding in the middle of the night, wanting him again. He certainly hadn’t complained.

 

            Only when the footsteps neared the door did Inej realize it sounded like many feet. More than two, certainly.

 

            Then, voices, muffled by the thick walls of their apartment but heard regardless. Inej could have sworn to the Saints she heard Nina amongst them.

 

            Pounding, full fisted on the front door. Nina wouldn’t have knocked quite so roughly. Why would Nina be out of bed, and in the barrel no less, before breakfast?

 

            Kaz and Inej both rose from the bed without preamble, pulling on discarded clothing without thought. Inej stole Kaz’s shirt after glancing at her lingerie- mostly still intact, on the wooden floorboards. A pile of glittering sin well spent.

 

            Kaz marched out of the room, pants on but shirt unbuttoned. His limp was more pronounced, knee still hardened with sleep. Inej winced, knowing he’d not show how badly it hurt in combination with the promise of bad weather- which always irritated his old injuries.

 

            “Contemplate your preferred manner of death before I open this fucking door.” Kaz growled as he undid the numerous locks, cane in hand. Inej lingered in the doorway to their bedroom, covered in Kaz’s button-down but decidedly pants-less. She was grateful she knew that any of Kaz’s high-ranked Dregs would never dare bat an eyelash at her indecency- and certainly not disrespectfully. Pim and Rotty were the most decent men you could find in Ketterdam, let alone the Barrel. Anika was simply unbothered by anything at all and more collected than even Kaz at times.

 

            Kaz swung the door open and Inej nearly recoiled.

 

            “I was swindled. Lily tricked me into bringing her here. I had nothing to do with… Her majesty.” Nina shrieked at Kaz’s violent glare; hands held aloft in innocence. The mortician stood beside her, but Lily’s eyes were decidedly focused on the third person framed in the doorway. She looked terrified.

 

            Zoya Nazyalensky. Queen of Ravka.

 

            “Good morning, Brekker. I see you are about as feral as I remember, I was so hoping Inej might have had the foresight to bring you in to the animal clinic for your shots and neutering.” Zoya smirked, blue eyes burning.

Notes:

AHHH.

Chapter summary:
Kaz: sorry i was vulnerable and horny at the same time do you still think i'm broody and hot
Inej: lmfao yeah babe you're super unapproachable and maniacal can we kiss now
Lily, Nina & Zoya: jumpscare

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Chapter 172: To Plunge

Summary:

Everything is about to change.

Notes:

CHAPTER 172!!!!!

Hi guys!! <3 LOOK AT ME GO TWO UPLOADS IN A WEEK. Granted, this one is also on the shorter side, but I promise you'll get a longer one next time! It just made sense to edit them into two- I hope you understand! Anyways, I rambled on in my last author's notes, so I'll keep this short- I hope you love it & happy reading! <3

Thank you so much for all of your love on my last chapter after so long away. Sincerely, you guys mean everything to me and made me feel so much better. I love you forever and ever.

As always, any comments are greatly appreciated and only fuel my fire <3 ily

"Prodigal" by Poor Man's Poison (the badassery is strong w this one, not really the lyrics)

KAZ

 

            A crow tapped on the windowpane, the sound like a gunshot in the silence that held the room as Kaz glared at the three intruders in his hallway. Inej flinched behind him at the noise. She moved forward, he felt the prickling sensation of her nearness.

 

            “Well, are you leaving us in the hall? Bad decorum.” Zoya pointed out, flicking a wrist in irritation. “We must speak privately. You too, Nina.”

 

            Kaz blinked, trying to bank the burning rage that felt like acid in his throat. Ghezen bless Inej. He felt her delicate hand touch his shoulder, her eyes catching his. In their warm depths, he read her words: ‘hold your temper, please’.  

 

            If she had not stepped forward, Kaz might have simply slammed the door. At least now, he would speak before slamming the door. Progress, or some such.

 

            “Wait in the lobby. We will be down in ten minutes.” Kaz growled, glancing at his pocket watch laying on the counter from last night when he and Inej had returned home. Eight bells, good. An hour before breakfast service began in the restaurant.

 

            “Fine.” Zoya snipped, straightening the golden buttons on her miliary style coat, she’d foresworn her kefta in favor of something at least moderately less conspicuous. “But who is this?” The queen gestured at Lily with her mouth compressed into a frown.

 

            The response from Kaz was instinctual, immediate. “My sister. Have some manners. See you downstairs.”

 

            Zoya’s eyes were almost as wide as Lily’s when Kaz shut the door harshly, rattling the various lock mechanisms in a whimper of brass and steel. He’d known Lily was reading his lips, he’d known she’d understand what he’d said.

 

            He leaned haggardly against the still vibrating wood of the door, listening to Zoya’s angry huff and Nina’s tired sigh as their footsteps descended back down the hall to the lift compartment. His eyes closed, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. His veins felt electric, his body exhausted. It was as if he’d been drinking bottom-shelf Kerch gin for two days and forgotten the existence of water as an option entirely.

 

            A fucking horrific combination considering the conversations ahead of him.

 

            Lily was never, never, supposed to enter the Barrel while in Ketterdam. Certainly not without him. Yet here she had been at his door. While Kaz knew, realistically, she hadn’t been alone- Nina had been with her- he’d still not wanted her anywhere near his world than she already was. Lily had made a life for herself in Lij and was already risking that by going on a voyage more deadly than any of Inej’s others.

 

            Calling her his blood had been the only way he’d seen possible to protect her. She could use the connection before the Queen and the Dregs. Was it really a lie, anyhow?

 

            Or had it been a mistake? If word got out that Dirtyhands had a sister sequestered somewhere in the country- a deaf sister- what could he be welcoming his enemies to do?

 

            “Mera chaar.” Inej intoned, stepping lightly to him. His eyes flashed open, drinking her in. The black tresses a wild disarray of waves around her shoulders, his wrinkled white shirt hanging loosely over her frame. It should have been a very different morning. He supposed Queen and Country and slavers waited for no man, however. Ridiculous.

 

            “I know. We need to go.” Kaz rasped. Then, he heard the kettle on the stove. Turned his head to see the coffee mug she’d laid out for him, his jar of coffee grounds beside it, all done in the moments he’d tried to collect himself.

 

            “I’d say liquid courage- but you have enough of that on your own- so instead, liquid will power.” Inej replied, lips tucked into a smirk. She kissed his cheek softly, meandering her way to the bathroom to get ready for their meeting.

 

            Kaz watched her go, holding desperately to the idea that every morning, whether it began as this one had, or any other million possible ways- they could always have the peace he felt smelling coffee grounds in the air and Inej’s lips on his bare skin.

 

            They just had to make it through this fight. Then the next. Brick by brick.

 

            Kaz straightened his spine, pushed the over-long hair from his eyes, and made his coffee. He put extra sugar in it today. Maybe it would help him from ripping Zoya apart, or Nina, or Lily, or whoever else decided to step in his path.

 

 

INEJ

 

            The hazy morning light bounced off the polished silver of the tea service Kaz had ordered from the kitchens of Shati En Malm Tarre, Ketterdam’s first exclusively suli cuisine restaurant, located in the other half of the High-Wire.

 

            ‘Shati En Malm Tarre’, roughly translated to Kerch, meant: ‘Put the Stars Between Your Teeth’. Inej still smiled when she thought of it. Kaz had named the establishment after something her own mother had told him during her parent’s first visit to Kerch’s capital- all the way back after the auction. After he’d just given her the ship.

 

            Inej couldn’t wait for her parents to see it. Someday soon. After this voyage. Inej swallowed the stone in her throat. She’d need to send them a letter before she left. Just in case.

 

            Inej’s thoughts were interrupted by the obnoxious clink of the Queen of Ravka’s teaspoon against her cup, like a knife tapped against a wine flute for a toast- but angrier and purposefully less refined. The five of them sat in the empty restaurant, the only noise was from the muted clack of pans in the bowels of the kitchens.

 

            Zoya was perched nimbly on a cushion beside Inej at the small round floor level table, Nina on her right. Lily sat between Kaz and Nina. The table Kaz had claimed for them lay in the middle of the dining room, close enough to the normally locked and guarded double doors that led back into the lobby of the High-Wire.

 

            Truthfully, Inej had pictured her first opportunity to dine in the restaurant Kaz had acquired in her honor far differently. Perhaps with candles and far less sneering.

 

            Saints, help me.

 

            Clink. Clink. Clink.

 

            Kaz smirked at Zoya over the lip of his coffee mug. Nina looked like she was about to jump out of her skin. Lily met no one’s eye, instead opting to fold and refold her table napkin.

 

            “Are you quite finished, Brekker? Care to enlighten me why your…sister, is privy to such a conversation?” The queen huffed, clearly unamused by Kaz’s pointed silence until his coffee mug was drained entirely.

 

            “She’s going with you; she should be here.” Kaz replied, the very portrait of casual as he took another long sip of caffeine.

 

            “Excuse me? She knows?” Zoya’s eyes flared with cold fire. “I knew you couldn’t be trusted.”

 

            Inej set her teacup down with a clatter, tucked a strand of still shower-damp hair behind her ear. “You will not speak of him that way.” she said, voice low. Part of her, the loyal suli-ravkan wanted to throw her head in a bucket and empty all of the tea she’d just drunk. The other part of Inej- loyal to her chosen people first and foremost- would not stand for the disrespect.

 

            “Apologies, Inej. But this was our agreement. You made the same oath.” Zoya’s voice was tight, but far more respectful than a moment ago. The truth was, Inej understood. Zoya was under immense pressure, had people from the inner court of Ravka wasting away in Kane De Vries’ captivity. Inej would probably be equally as thorny under the weight of a kingdom. Still, Kaz had done more for the success of this voyage than either she or the queen had done so far. He had completed his portion. Inej held his plans in the pocket of her coat even now- and those scrawls of ink all relied on Lily.

 

            “I did. You asked Kaz to make a plan to get us into an impenetrable fortress in the middle of the sea. Which he did. You asked for secrecy, unless under the highest importance. Do you question my capabilities or Kaz’s? Do you reject the evidence of my career or his?”

 

            Zoya pursed her lips, irritated. “His.”

 

            Kaz sighed, Inej thought she heard him mumble “I never thought I’d wish to be speaking to Nikolai fucking Lantsov.”

 

            Inej smiled cruelly. She was not to allow any more of this discord, so she cut right to the heart of it. “What color are the bricks in the laundry room of the Ice Court? Arguably the most well-protected palace and prison in the known world?”

 

            Zoya tilted her head, confused.

 

            “White and Blue.” Kaz and Nina answered in unison.

 

            Zoya’s shoulders squared, hands folded neatly in her lap. The Queen had lost this verbal battle and they both knew it.

 

 

            “You’ve been in the ice court?” Lily hissed at Kaz. “Did I read that right?”

 

            Kaz tilted his head to the ceiling. If Inej didn’t know any better, she’d think he was praying for patience.

 

            He straightened his tie, looking older than his twenty years. Inej placed a hand on his leg beneath the tablecloth.

 

            “What, pardon me, does she offer to this voyage, then?” Zoya asked, resigned.

 

            Inej looked at each of her companions. First Kaz, who nodded sharply. Then Nina, who blinked her emerald eyes in confusion, a tea biscuit halfway to her mouth. Finally, Inej looked at Lily. This was her last chance to back out, and judging by the set of her full lips, the mortician knew it.

 

            Deep-sea eyes met earth brown, and Lily gave Inej the permission to plunge.

 

            “Moya Tsarita,” Inej began, moving the tea tray to the edge of the table to make space, “What if we told you Nina Zenik is not the only grisha with powers unheard of in the known orders?”

 

            “What?” Nina whispered, dropping her biscuit onto the table. Her mouth was parted, frozen. A long moment passed before everything changed.

 

            “My name is Dr. Lily Arbor of Mortuary sciences. Elder sister to Kaz Brekker- and I think I can help you.” Lily signed and spoke, chin held high.

 

            The light of the chandelier above them illuminated Lily’s hair like a flaming crown. She spoke to the Queen of Ravka like an equal, no more and no less.

 

            Inej thought, perhaps, the entire world was holding its breath.

Notes:

I hope you guys are ready...

Chapter summary:
Zoya: I'm cranky
Inej: bitch so am i
Kaz: I'm literally so well protected rn lmao

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Chapter 173: She Who Dies, She Who Rises

Summary:

A little bit of (nec)romance.

Notes:

CHAPTER 173!!!!!

HELLO. Happy Galentine's day. ;) This chapter has been in my mind like a movie, for months. I'm just so excited to share it with you, especially on valentine's day. I just hope you love it as much as I do- it took about two re-writes and editing sessions for me to convey what was in my head into words. But there comes a time when I have to stop myself from reworking it and let you guys have it <3 I also know it is not as much action as what is to come, but I hope you feel the anticipation. AHH. I can't wait, i hope you love it.

Thank you always + forever, my dear readers. I love you all so much.

Comments, as always, are immensely appreciated & I'm trying to get myself into a rhythm of setting aside more time each week to respond- but even if I do not get to reply to every one, please know I do read them and feel immense gratitude for the time you take to give me your thoughts/excitement/ feedback/ etc <3 They fuel me.

Song Recommendation: "The Night We Met (Instrumental) by KPH (it's the gentle haunting romance vibes that get me. The end of the chapter. You'll understand.)

LILY

 

            The Queen of Ravka reminded Lily of one of Emilia’s satin pin cushions. Little globes that endured a thousand cuts, day in and day out- yet somehow preserved their shape. That was to say, there were many sharp, pretty pins sheathed in every movement the former general made. Every flick of her gaze and clench of her jaw. The mortician half expected needles to flare out of the monarch’s tightened knuckles.

 

            Zoya Nazyalensky carried herself with the grace befitting a mourning dove on a funeral-day wind mixed with the viciousness of a fox in a hen house. It was a regal dichotomy, with her piercing blue eyes and luxurious black curls. Her skin, a shade or two off from Inej’s- spoke to suli heritage, as well.

 

            Of course, Lily had seen the sketches of the queen and king of Ravka, their coronation illustration had been plastered upon every newspaper in the known world. Even Lij’s tiny publication pamphlet, a sheet that served more as a complaint forum for farmer infighting and property line squabbles, had published an article. Still, the queen was something else entirely to behold in person, to sit across from at a low table in gray morning light.

 

            She was beautiful, to be certain, but the description felt decidedly flat for this woman. Zoya could not be contained in such a pleasant word, one so widely overused.

 

            Zoya Nazyalensky was, instead, violently bewitching. Lily thought Emilia might have sketched the queen for hours, her hunt for a muse ended in a flash of electric eyes and military-squared shoulders.

 

            “Tell me, Ms. Arbor, what could a mortician possibly do to aid in this voyage? This mission at all? Pardon my blunt declaration, but I certainly do not intend to die. I had thought without doubt that Captain Ghafa, and I, were aligned in this matter at the least. Brekker included.” Zoya’s words were in near-perfect Kerch, her full lips only slightly creasing around foreign pronunciation of consonants that differed from her native Ravkan tongue. Lily was relieved to see more evidence of it- it would be exceptionally easier to speak to one another directly rather than rely on Kaz’s sign language translations. Lily could read her lips nearly as well as any Kerch born countryman.

 

            “Dr. Arbor,” Lily cleared her throat, lifting her eyes from the typewriter case that sat beside her knee, forgotten about in the face of this morning’s events. “I do prefer it.”

 

            Zoya’s lips pressed into a tight line, her cup set hastily back down to the saucer. A rivulet of steaming jasmine tea rolled down the polished silver, eager to escape. “Then you may address me as a Queen. Moya Tsarita will do fine.”

 

            Lily smirked, if only to hide the roaring flames of fear that licked up her gullet, threatening to turn her cheeks ablaze. She would fight fire with fire, as a hellish girl should.

 

            Nina’s eyes branded the side of Lily’s head on one side, Kaz’s on the other. In her peripheral vision, Kaz’s face was entirely neutral if not a bit smug. Nina’s green, green eyes were slowly being swallowed whole by her blown-wide pupils. No matter, Lily would not balk.

 

            She would not go to Ravka to become a pet of the courts for her grisha powers. Truthfully, no matter how cruel it was, Lily would not be aiding in this voyage if it were not for Inej and her mission to save innocent people from within the island fortress. Zoya, as Kaz had told her, had important grisha under Kane De Vries’ lock and key. Lily, while not heartless, would not go for those grisha alone.

 

            Lily would do this to help prevent war. She would do this for the men and women like Inej, like Emilia, who had suffered by the hands of cruelty. Who had endured their lives and bodies being stolen, separated from their families and homes.

 

            It was for Kaz, her brother, because he had asked her to do it. His plea had been made with terror at the thought of losing the woman he loved. Lily would be no sister of his if she did not answer that call when she had the means to aid.

 

            He’d called her his sister. It would do no use to dwell on it now. Into the box it went, saved for later analysis.

 

            Lily folded her napkin in front of her, recalled the posture of Emilia whenever she desired to provoke confidence within herself. She held her chin high once more, let her shoulders hold in a rigid line. Faced the queen head on without a tremble to be seen.

 

            “You are not my queen, nor Kerch’s queen. However, I remain educated as a doctor in every country I visit. Your titles are bestowed as a show of loyalty- mine are to indicate status of schooling and career.” Lily replied slowly, reaching for a sip of tea. She barely maintained the shake in her hand. The tea scorched her throat, she resisted a wince.

 

            Kaz snorted. Zoya’s eyes flashed to him, narrowed into slits.

 

            “Excuse me, if I may, perhaps we can forgo titles all together and simply use our given names. I’m Nina. Please explain to me what in Ghezen’s greedy name is going on?” Nina appeared to squeak the words; her usual boisterousness glazed over by the confusion on her face.

 

            “Fine.” Zoya and Lily replied at the same time. The queen muttered something beneath her breath the others did not appear to hear, but Lily watched her lips.

 

            ‘Brekker’s sister indeed.’

 

            Meant as insult, clearly. Lily felt no such thing. Her chest expanded with pride.

 

            A tense moment passed between the five of them, Nina fiddled with the sleeve of her violet day dress. Kaz stared unflinchingly at the queen. Inej pulled her fingers through her hair with thinly veiled irritation.

 

            “Alright,” Zoya began, folding her hands in her lap, “Lily, then. Neither you nor anyone else has answered my actual question. What, if anything, can you provide to the success rate of this highly sensitive and potentially world changing job?”

 

            Her added implications, Lily thought, were unnecessary. Did she truly believe Kaz and Inej had not provided the stakes of the journey they were about to undertake before Lily had agreed?  

 

            “As Inej said- I am no mere mortician. Kaz’s particular plan for invasion upon this fortress is reliant on what I can do.” Lily answered quietly. She tried to catch Nina’s eye and failed. Rather, was avoided. Perhaps Lily should not have swindled the other grisha woman into bringing her to Kaz’s home this morning.

 

            If she hadn’t, perhaps this conversation about the voyage would be going much more smoothly. Planned. In the afternoon maybe, after Kaz had ingested a full cycle of caffeine- which he quite plainly relied upon. It wasn’t as if Lily had expected the queen to be waiting here, too.

 

            “Show me, then.” Zoya gestured, not unkindly.

 

            Lily had known it was coming, still she did not expect the sour taste of fear to coat her tongue. It did not matter, she had to do this. Whether she showed the Ravkan queen her abilities on the ship or now- Lily had agreed. She’d made a promise to Kaz and Inej.

 

            To herself.

 

            It was time to start living for more than the dead. Rather, she could use her deathly gifts to give a bit more life. Perhaps that was the reason these powers had manifested within her when she’d longed to die. To extend beyond her own life, to rot away the foulness that was men like Kane De Vries.

 

            Lily turned her head, glancing at the large bay windows at the front of the empty restaurant. The glass was spotless, facing the busy street beyond. Pedestrians scurried past, going about their mornings under the darkening clouds of the impending coastal storm set to hit in truth before noon. Riotous clusters of parasols were already raised over heads as a drizzle began to fall. On the corner of the street, Lily could see a paperboy, lips widened in a salesman shout.

 

            Kaz, observant as he was, followed Lily’s attention. With a brief nod, he stood from the ground silently, cane in hand. His knee was bothering him. The weather, most likely. It was obvious by his gait even if he hid it well.

 

            Kaz pulled the luxurious stage-style ropes at the edges of the windows, allowing violet silk curtains to fall across the morning like an impatient midnight. The darkness spilled, complete and thick. Lily waited for Kaz to return with artificial light.

 

            A moment later, Lily was blinking rapidly in warm rose-colored hues. Her eyes veered upward, perplexed.

 

            She’d not seen them before. The entire ornate ceiling of the dining room was dotted in hand-blown glass lanterns- pinks and oranges and ruby red, hung by shining gold chains. They were regal, a foreign type of beauty that demanded appreciation.

 

            Like Inej and Zoya, Lily thought. They demanded respect the same as their rich culture did- with sharp and elegant grace.

 

            Inej was smiling at the ceiling, dark eyes reflecting an array of colors. Kaz limped back toward them from the other side of the room, gazing intently at his fiancé and her visible wonder.

 

            Lily did not understand the look Kaz and Inej shared as he reached the table, only that it was fiercely tender and private. Lily felt her cheeks warm, forced her attention away. She would not intrude on her brother’s happiness- only appreciate forever that it existed. That Inej existed.

 

            Zoya, too, seemed to hide an almost smile behind her teacup. Her gaze flickered to the lanterns more than once as Kaz got settled, shifting his bad knee. That might be the closest the queen would come to grinning, this morning.

 

            Lily took a hesitant look toward Nina. Maroon light dripped through the other woman’s chestnut curls, splashed across her smooth skin. Long eyelashes made crescents on her cheek bones, the shadows playing coy. Nina was busying her hands, breaking apart an apple tea biscuit into careful piles of crumbs.

 

            Nina did not look up, did not turn to Lily. A bite of guilt filled Lily’s throat. Clearly, she was peeved. Nervous, too.

 

            Lily did not blame her. Zoya was, in fact, Nina Zenik’s queen. True still, Lily imagined she had an unfair advantage over the other grisha. Kaz and Inej had told Lily about Nina’s power. At least to the extent that it was unique, and a kindred thing to her own variation of the small science. It was why, when Nina had spoken of feeling alone in the Van Eck dining room… Lily had truly meant what she said. ‘I understand’. Every word, Lily had lived herself. From the loss of love to the otherness of her own capabilities.

 

            It was a bit of an ambush after a swindling, a bundle of deceit for breakfast. Nina was right to be in a mood.

 

            Lily had not expected to feel… disappointed. In herself most of all. She wasn’t certain-

 

            Nina was staring at her now, expectedly. Lily snapped her gaze away, realizing words had been spoken whilst she’d been… distracted by the creative ways a cookie could be put through torture in Nina’s hands.

 

            Clearing her throat, Lily spoke quietly. “Pardon, I was simply somewhere else. What did I miss?”

 

            “Go on,” Zoya’s lips read. “I would like to see what you can do.”

 

            Kaz signed beside her, not translating- but it would appear he was to the rest of their company. His hands asked, “Do you want to wait to do this? I will not force you. Do you even have… what you need, with you?”

 

            Lily shook her head subtly to assuage his question. She reached for her handbag beside the typewriter case. Kaz, despite the fact that she knew he was furious with her for ignoring his order to stay on Wylan and Jesper’s side of town, was being considerate. She appreciated his questions on both counts but saw no point in delaying the inevitable. Besides, she always had a small kit of tailoring supplies on her person. It certainly helped in her profession.

 

            Occasionally, when Lily was sent to retrieve a body after a particularly brutal death, the family of the deceased would ask to see them anyhow. Say goodbye privately before a public funeral. More often than not, they wouldn’t understand when Lily or Adrie tried to gently explain it would be worse if they did. An image they could not unsee. A haunting they would invite unto themselves.

 

            No one wanted to see what a bullet through a skull could do to someone they loved. A plowing accident.

 

            Bram Rietveld’s smiling face flashed into Lily’s memory, followed by blood running rivers in the soil of the wheat field. The same crimson had coated Jordie’s hands when she finally found him, knelt in the mud with tears falling down his cheeks. She still remembered how his red-stained fingers had shaken when he signed, “how do I tell Kaz?”

 

            That had been Jordie’s first thought in the worst moment of his life. How to protect Kaz. How to tell him there would be no body to cry over, no cheek to kiss one last time. Some pieces of Bram would never be found.

 

            Lily had not possessed her abilities then. She’d not been able to help Jordie and Kaz see their father one last time. It stung, every single time she dared think of it. A cruel joke on timing’s part.

 

            That tragic memory had melded with Lily, shaped her into the strange mortician she was today. So, now, when a family did not understand… occasionally, Lily took a risk in the face of being discovered for what she was. She could use just a bit of her abilities, make the corpse look more like the person mourners remembered and loved. Cover the most heinous injuries under a sheet, fix a shattered face. Bleed just a drop of life back into the skin. Allow a cheek to receive a kiss from a grieving son, wife, or friend.

 

            It seemed a worthy risk to take, Lily thought, to lessen the weight of the grief those left behind would carry for the rest of their lives. A goodbye was priceless. A fact Lily knew with certainty- for otherwise she would have paid any sum. Given anything and everything.

 

            She shook the thought away, pulled the inconspicuous cosmetic pouch from her handbag. It was filled with bones and jars of things she used to color corpses. A proper lady looking for lip rouge would be scandalized.

 

            Truly, she needed nothing from her kit for this demonstration. Tailoring corpses was the portion of her abilities that required actual effort, like the one she’d demonstrated on for Kaz and Inej back in Lij, down in the damp of her morgue.

 

            On the other end of the spectrum- decomposing the living was like breathing for Lily. It required touch and command, the willpower to return what she had stolen afterwards. The last bit had always been the most difficult to master.

 

            Still, she did find herself feeling… more in control when she used certain bone fragments to focus. She knew of the Ravkan grisha using amplifiers- animal bones taken through sacrificial killings. Lily had done no such thing. These bones she’d borrowed from the medical institute in Belendt. They had been from bodies donated for study- Lily had taken only a few. Tiny knuckle bones and the like. Things any medical student worth their salt would notice missing but could do without until replaced.

 

            She did not feel her power grow when she clasped them, as the amplifiers claimed to do. Instead, the bones served more like… an anchor, for Lily. A reminder that she must not withhold what she stole into herself.

 

            Feeling attention on her, Lily hastened her choice by selecting a tooth from the bag. She clenched it in her fist until she felt the rough edges bite into her skin. It was a minor hurt, not even skin breaking. Like a pinch she gave to her future self, the one with dead white eyes. Give it back, the bone would remind her.

 

            Lily sucked in a silent breath, rolled her shoulders. She finally allowed her eyes to look up to her companions. Zoya had leaned forward, interested by the tooth and other bone fragments scattered beside plateware. Nina’s eyes were narrowed, brows pinched.

 

            Kaz and Inej, thankfully, simply watched. Inej gave Lily a small smile, head turned so the queen did not see. It was encouraging enough to gather words and force them out in a steady form.

 

            “It will not hurt, but I do need a hand to demonstrate on. I cannot… It does not work on me.” Lily said the words mostly to Kaz and Inej. The queen, Lily knew, would not volunteer. It was an intelligent choice; a ruler could not risk an assassination by a stranger claiming to wield an unknown breed of the small science.

 

            Lily would not ask Kaz nor expect it of him. Not after she’d learned just why those gloves remained firmly upon his hands.  

 

            Inej began to lean forward over the table, only to be beaten by Nina’s displayed hand in front of Lily.

 

            “I will do it.” Nina waved Inej off with a flick of her wrist. Her expression was determined, settled. This was the face of Nina the soldier, Lily thought to herself.

 

            It suited Nina, but not nearly as much as laughing did.

 

            Lily swallowed tightly. She’d been expecting Inej- hoping for Inej. Inej had seen what… what Lily could do, would know what to expect. Not only that reason, Nina was… it didn’t matter. There was nothing for it.

 

            Lily nodded once, slowly and to no one in particular. The red lantern that glowed above their table that had felt warm- romantic even- moments ago, suddenly felt like a spotlight of blood.

 

            Lily set her tooth down, realizing that she would need to take precautions. Especially with Nina’s trust. Turning her head, she caught Kaz’s steady gaze.

 

            She signed so only Kaz would understand, “Don’t let me steal it. When I take from the living… that lifeforce becomes mine, temporarily. It’s like being drunk, I don’t realize it. Just make me give it back quickly.”

 

            Kaz, despite a slight widening of his eyes, kept the rest of his face in perfect check. He gave a tiny nod, gesturing for her to continue with a leather-clad hand.

 

            Nina’s hand was still displayed, palm up. Her elbow rested on the delicately embroidered tablecloth, the beaded tassels caught the colored lamplight and glittered menacingly.

 

            Lily tucked a curl back into the bun on her head, plucked up her borrowed tooth and set her knuckles tight. Zoya’s sapphire gaze burned like angry stars in the corner of her vision.

 

            The moment Lily laid her gaze on Nina’s summer eyes instead, her shoulders relaxed. The other woman, despite her irritation with Lily from this morning’s trickery, offered a sweet smile. It was enough to convince Lily to stretch out her death-touched hand.

 

            Nina’s skin was warm beneath her own cool palm. Lily wrapped her fingers around the delicate bone in the grisha’s wrist. Lily whispered, “don’t be afraid. I’ll give it back.” Their eyes did not part when Nina nodded softly, trustingly.

 

            Internally, the mortician sank six feet under. This was where she was most alive.

 

            Lily felt the familiar caress of ice down her spine, the tip of Death’s finger exposing her vertebrae- one by one. The power did not burst forth like flame from the inferni or swell in her veins like a heartrender. Lily’s power, that black nest within her chest- spread like rot. Decay as slow and sweet as honey in a hive.

 

            Her eyes, she felt the color bleeding away. A lancing of her humanness, drained like excretion from an infected wound.

 

            Something was new. Inside this girl, with her pretty bones and steaming blood, a different thing slinked between her veins. Ink flowing beside the crimson.

 

            This thing sang to the rot Lily wove across Nina’s fingers, it leapt into her own body with effervescent joy, stretching like a contented beast.

 

            Lily felt Nina’s lifeforce creep around her chest like a robber in the night, exploring the decayed parts of her.

 

            Waking them up.

 

 

 

 

 

            Nina’s hazy form spoke, lips slowed in Lily’s death ridden eyes. Still, she understood the words her mouth shaped.

 

            “I feel it... I feel you.”

Notes:

So... ???!!! AHHH. AHHH. My girls, my lovely dark witches. Happy Galentine's day. This one is for the girls with rotten hearts <3

#Hellraisers is the lil ship name I've been calling Lily x Nina in my head forever. What do you think of it? <3 Get it? it's because Jordie called Lily 'hellvane' and Neens raises the dead? I told some of you in comments on my last chap + I just keep thinking I really like it. I wouldn't be an author though if I didn't ask ya'lls opinion for a ship title though!

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Chapter 174: The Midnight Strings

Summary:

A new age will begin. An old vision beckons the future in.

Notes:

CHAPTER 174!!!

HELLO. AHHH. I AM SO EXCITED I JUST-AH. Anyways, if y'all follow me on socials, I meant to have this up yesterday + offer my sincerest apologies that I couldn't make that work. I was exhausted and then I decided to go ahead and add an entire extra 1k on to this bad boy. <3 I hope it was worth it because I certainly think it was. This chapter feels like the real ushering of the final act- there's quite a bit of plot tucked into this actually that is nestled away ;) Squint if you dare, dear readers. I love you the most. Happy reading!!

Thank you forever- as always. I adore you. I can never repay my gratitude for you taking the time to read what I write but I will certainly continue to try by providing my words. <3

PLEASE PLEASE COME BE EXCITED W ME IN THE COMMENTS <3 I AM BEGGING (ps I read every single one & am so so grateful. I'm still trying to carve time to respond to them all but I want you to know how excited I am to read them and FOR THIS ONE... I need to be excited w you guys. AHH.)

Song Recommendation: "Which Witch" by Florence + The Machine (YOU CAN LISTEN ON LOOP FOR THIS ONE. I know this is a hot song right now but I've been listening to it for awhile just envisioning it w this chapter and the little hints of the BIGGER plot. Yes. I have one. Can you believe it??) <3

****3 BELLS AGO****

 

LILY

 

            Mist shrouded her eyes, salty and stuffed with brine. She squinted through the barrage of waves, treading water with furious intent. She wore a ballgown spun of blood yet felt no weight upon her skin.

 

            The sky was electric- purples gnawing at midnight and staked through with neon stars. The distant lights winked at her, lazy and safe in the heavens. Beneath the boisterous waves, gold vines twirled like ichor-touched algae. Indigo roses bloomed on the sea bottom, amidst soil churning with incandescent emerald roots. Gilded fronds of wheat brushed her bare toes despite the tumultuous water she carved through.

 

            At the edge of her vision, the boulder beckoned.

 

            This place Lily had dreamed of for a decade. This resplendent sea, brimming with vivid impossibilities. That rock, a stain on the chromatic horizon, she knew, was her destination. It beckoned her there with shadow and chthonic whispers.

 

            She swam ever harder. Pressed her lungs to the corners of her ribcage. Her head sank below the surface, yet she did not drown. Her airway was instead coated in the earthy flavor of Lij’s vast farming fields. Home tasted sweet.

 

            She propelled through the sea-sky, desperate- always desperate- to make it to that forbidden stone. On its void-like surface, she could never decide what rested. A flag, worn down by sea air and fossilized into a splayed pike. A pyre of kindling. It was always a foggy mystery- that clawed-like cluster of lines she could never make sense of no matter how close she drew. No matter how strained her eyes became, narrowed always on that blight of her beautiful sanctuary.

 

            Her legs grew weak, exhausted. She felt herself losing the fight against the tide, as she always had.

 

            The ugly black behemoth and it’s spindles seemed to taunt her. The ragged topper, she realized, could almost be a claw. A twisted wrong shadow impersonating a hand with curled and beckoning fingers. Such horridness did not deserve to be backdropped by infinite galaxies.

 

            Lily never recalled making the decision to float on her back, but without fail, she found herself that way; legs rendered useless. The water had ceased it’s endless toil, instead smoothing against her body as if she were a glass doll in a bassinet. Her eyes took in the moonless sky- bright for its parade of colors. She longed to replicate it, to paint the scene properly.

 

            It was always the same, her itch to weave the enchanted hues into a canvas she could look upon in consciousness. It was never a question if she was dreaming- majesty like this simply did not persist in the waking world.

 

            It was then that the dream changed- the first time it ever had. A strobe of orange light rippled across the nebulous sky, reflecting on the still water around her.

 

            A lighthouse beacon. She struggled to understand it, wrestled with the reasoning for it when she resided alone in this other place. The answer came to her, snuck up on her, with a stoic and unavoidable presence.

 

            This was no mere lighthouse.

 

            This was the strobe from that ghastly obsidian tower she’d seen with Kaz- the one from which the council of tides ruled over Kerch’s waters. An ugly, gritty throne.

 

            She needn’t look but did so anyhow. There, in direct opposition to her familiar rock monstrosity, stood another. The obsidian dared not glitter under these stars. It was a rip between worlds, a menacingly tall void that spewed a single crass orange beam across the glassy water. Over and over it went, the light somehow skipping Lily’s prone form on each rotation.

 

            Lily did not want to know what protected her from it. Nor what would happen if that wretched light scored her skin.

 

            The sea began to tremble beneath her spine. For the first time, Lily feared drowning in this water she’d begun to think of as her own. As a friend.

 

            She scrambled, tried to right herself amidst the fast-brewing whitecaps. The wind pulled at her hair, tied angry knots.

 

            It took only one gulp of the water to know it was no longer safe. She was sinking in a ballgown, dripping in heavy crimson skirts.

 

            The last thing she saw before her head went under was a man, standing atop the miserable boulder in the distance. His shadowy shoulders were tucked with despair, his slender hands outstretched. Silhouetted by stars, he wore a crown of dying beauty.

 

            He was trying to sign to her, but she was drowning. She could not read his spindly fingers that seemed to move at quarter speed. Kaz?

 

            No. Kaz was on shore- Lily was certain of it. He was safe and warm with his friends- with Inej. She was a famous vigilante pirate. A captain. She’d never leave Kaz marooned at sea.

 

            The relief was as short as her final breath.

 

            The wave that came to swallow the lost girl was capped in glowing white teeth. It’s maw stretched to devour her whole.

 

            She screamed only as the undertow latched onto her ankles, her throat a garbled mess of blood and salt.

 

            “Jordie!”

 

            Lily longed to struggle upward, to kick and thrash. To look again.

 

            Somehow, she knew she could not look back. He wouldn’t be there if she did. Back was the wrong direction in this world that so loved to be upside down and downside up.

 

            All the way to the freezing depths, she felt his gentle eyes watching her sink, hands still stiff with rigor mortis.

 

            “Burn, Hellvane.”

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

           

            The sheets were a sweaty tangle around her legs where her nightdress had ridden up. Foggy morning light swept past the mortician’s window in the Van Eck-Fahey residence.

 

            Her head swam, punished further by the onslaught of her heaving breaths. Her dream was different… a nightmare. After a decade of solitary swims through an ethereal night sky… Why? Lily had never seen the sea until coming to Ketterdam, not in person. But her dreams… those had been a kind adventure for Lily all these difficult years. Sacred. Treasured.

 

            She yearned for the morgue, her dark haven that lay beneath Lij’s graveyard. She wanted to light the oil lamps in her tiny office and set to mixing paints. She’d attempted a thousand times to paint her recurring dreamscape on one badly beaten canvas- never getting it quite right. She would have gone straight there this morning if she were home. It could have occupied her uneasy mind until Adrie eventually arrived for the day, allowing her to lance the offensive tower from her thoughts.

 

            Lily pushed herself from the downy mattress- a luxurious four-poster that was twice in size and comfort in comparison to the bed she usually shared with Jax. The single bedframe took up half her tiny, rented room above the grocer’s in Lij. She longed for her dog, her companion who snuggled and embraced with slobber, who slept beside her and guarded against unheard terrors.

 

            She thought she might write Adrie and Emilia, send letters to post before she set sail with Inej after the storm this weekend. She could ask after her Jax. Lily thread her fingers through the snarl of red curls atop her head, padded barefoot across the floorboards to the writing desk beside the wardrobe. The guest room Wylan had offered her was well-appointed, boasting it’s own bathing room and marvelously heated water. A brilliant kindness she’d never expected.

 

            Still, something about the navy curtains and the carved flora in the ceiling’s crown molding felt… too close to the nightmare Lily had narrowly escaped. In truth, everything felt startlingly lonely from her point of view. From the dreary morning covering the marvelous sight of the estate’s manicured garden to the sheets she’d mussed, already cold from her lonesome rising.

 

            Her eyes snagged on the typewriter case she’d left atop the desk the night before. Lily rubbed her knuckles into her eyes. She’d written the only letter she ever would with that machine- and had sworn to herself, and Jordie, that it would now go to the youngest Rietveld today.

 

            Maybe that was why her subconscious had manifested such terrifying alterations to her peaceful dream. Surely that was it. She’d gone to sleep with the story of Kaz’s life in her mind, and Jordie’s… conclusion. She’d stressed herself, fallen once more into the depth of grief’s dark waters.

 

            Lily would go to Kaz. Give him this gift. She was not some helpless country girl, a child. Ketterdam was just a city. A big dark city, but one, nonetheless. She knew Kaz had only forbade her from his side of town in an earnest attempt to keep her safe- but she was eldest. She could prove to him her competence, allow him to see the woman she had grown into.

 

            Besides, dead men were easy to cultivate if she so wished. If a hand so much as reached for her- Lily could tailor their bodies forward through natural decay with but a touch. All she had to do was avoid discovery if it came down to it.

 

            So many believed death to be the end, but Lily Arbor knew better. The end was not when the soul separated from flesh, but rather when flesh separated from bone. When bone disintegrated to dust.

 

            Lily offered both the false and the true ending to those who would harm her. Death, then extinction.

 

            Lily could take a life from it’s prime youth to a pile of bones in moments. Once the organs were gone, there was no turning back. Her science, although strange, was not unlike the other Grisha orders. Lily did not conjure her abilities from nothing. It was science, miniscule but true.

 

            It was simply that every single living thing was slowly dying. She channeled those slivers of death that lurked within, multiplied them to fit her own means.

 

            They were all rotting, whether they liked it or not.

 

            Jesper’s silver eyes flashed into her mind, his guns dropping to the marble floors in a heap. Her first night in this house, Lily had almost taken Kaz’s best friend’s life without so much as a glance at her withered conscience. Even if she’d believed her small brother was in danger... It was an unsettling realization.

 

            Lily winced. It hadn’t happened, and that was all that mattered.

 

            It was decided- her mind was going to continue to torment her if she allowed herself to wallow in this pretty bedroom. She would go to Kaz, and all would be well.

 

            She walked to the mirror that leaned in the corner of the room, grimaced at the state of her hair and the deepening bags beneath her eyes. The time piece on the fireplace mantle read quarter past six bells in the morning. It was earlier than she’d thought… but not so early. She could take her time in appointing herself as respectable. A bath sounded horrid after her waterlogged nightmare- which was already becoming faded around the edges; softened by the morning’s gray light and her newfound plan.

 

            A shower, then. After all, she might as well get use out of the ridiculously modern and lux bathroom she’d been given by Kaz’s friends.

 

            It would give her time to decide who to target for aid in her mission to hunt down the most feared barrel boss in Ketterdam. Lily almost chuckled to herself. He was hardly scary, if one knew him as she did- as she was beginning to again.

 

 

NINA

 

            Trassel was nosing the door, huffing over small yips. Nina groaned, half-cocooned within the lavender duvet cover.

 

            “You do not need to go out,” Nina spoke with her lips smothered in a fluffy pillow. A delicate knock rapped against the door. Oh. Even better. Jesper was going through one of his early-rising phases again.

 

            Nina pulled herself up from the warmth of her bed, wrapped her covers around her like an evening gown that was ten times more comfortable and boasted no complicated stays or buttons.

 

            “You have too much energy, Jesper Fahey. I’m going to skin you alive unless you have bacon out there!” Nina grumbled between pouting stomps to the door. Trassel wagged, but no response came.

 

            Her blankets caught under her feet, nearly sending her to a pile of woman and feather on the floor. Nina half wondered if she would have even bothered getting up if she had fallen. The carpet was fine enough. Anything looked comfortable at- Ghezen save her- was that dawn outside the window?

 

            Nina bumped the wolf out of her way gently, preparing to rage as she swung open the heavy oak door.

 

            Her sleep-stale mouth hung open wide as she encountered Lily in her doorway instead. The other woman was dressed in smart shades of charcoal, a satin blouse and boned bodice over wide-legged day trousers. Her lips were rouged in rubies, fiery hair pinned in an elegant chignon at the back of her head. Stray curls framed her face, setting her sapphire eyes ablaze.

 

            Needlessly put, Nina wondered if this was a horrible nightmare. One in which they were actually under a bridge and Nina was the one collecting coins for her troll brethren from the agonizingly beautiful heroine of the narrative.

 

            “Please pardon me,” Lily flushed, eyes dipping down to Trassel’s panting face that stared up in excitement. “I was not able to discern if you were awake without knocking…”

 

            “No- no. That’s absolutely fine! Trassel wanted to go out anyways, I was just… Ehm, looking for my dressing gown.” Nina lied in a stupor. She pulled at her blanket-turned-dress. At least she’d opted to actually sleep in a shift the night before rather than dropping into the mattress nude.

 

            “I can take her to the garden for you,” Lily beamed, her hands scratching the wolf easily right behind her ears. “I was just missing my own companion anyhow. Truly, it’s no trouble.”

 

            “You have a dog?” Nina asked, slowly waking up to her reality. She tried to discreetly check her chin for dried drool. She did not even want to consider what her hair looked like. Had she remembered to wipe off her eye kohl before trudging up to bed last night? Saints.

 

            “Yes,” Lily answered brightly, though her voice remained soft. Hushed almost. Nina thought it rather a delightful tone if one was indeed forced to hear another human being before breakfast. “His name is Jax. I don’t really know his breed as I got him from a farmer with too many puppies, but he’s good. The best.” Lily said the last two words with exaggeration, right down to Trassel.

 

            The fjerdan wolf looked positively beside herself with glee at the presumed compliment- a damned house dog. Matthias’ fury could be heard across the fjords, Nina was certain.

 

            “Is he a big dog?” Nina asked with a smile once Lily turned her eyes forward. She wouldn’t speak when Lily couldn’t read the words.

 

            “Oh, yes! Jax hogs half the bed despite his numerous appointed dog-sized beds. I never was one to say no to a wagging creature, though.” Lily returned, adjusting the coat she carried folded over one arm.

 

            Nina laughed as Trassel leaned against Lily’s legs, a very ferocious beast indeed. Silence swelled between them as Nina’s jaw popped around a disgracefully large yawn.

 

            “I’m sorry, I don’t suppose you came here to rescue Trassel from my snoring. What can I do?” Nina asked finally, ignoring the ridiculous flutter in her stomach. She was just hungry, that’s all.

 

            “Well, to be quite frank,” Lily began, shifting on her feet. Was she nervous? “I actually have an errand to run. I just need to go to Kaz and Inej’s- but I simply don’t have the experience with Ketterdam to locate their residence without an address or a guide. I was hoping… well if you don’t have any plans… Maybe you’d like to accompany me? I of course will repay the favor in breakfast for two, all-expense paid.”

 

            Nina’s gut twisted. Kaz had explicitly said Lily was not to go to the Barrel. Her face must have shown the thought, Lily’s shoulders slumped inward.

 

            “I just… I have a gift for him that I would like to deliver. I don’t intend to be a bother; I won’t nag for any additional stops. I just thought I could… well. I wouldn’t want to break his rules by going alone into the city. I wanted to make sure I had someone familiar with me, as he would wish.” Lily mumbled, tucking a curl behind her ear. Her cheeks were entirely flushed, color blooming like peonies against her freckle-dusted skin.  

 

            Nina supposed… Kaz trusted her, didn’t he? Nina was as much Dregs as any other member. She knew the Barrel just as well, knew the safe routes and the sanitary diners like any barrel rat. She had the crow and cup, not that any of the Dregs would stop her from entering the High-Wire. Kaz couldn’t possibly object when he had said his concerns were for Lily’s safety… and she would be safe. They’d enter the High-Wire inconspicuously, calling no attention to themselves. Just a simple meeting with the Dregs, nothing for any pigeon poacher to give a damn about.

 

            Breakfast with Lily Arbor did not sound bad, either. Maybe Nina could ask the other girl about sign language, about her dog. About… about the boy she’d loved and lost. If she was lucky, perhaps Lily would even leak why a mortician was accompanying Inej on a voyage sanctioned by the Ravkan crown.

 

            Reconnaissance. That’s why Nina should accept. What kind of soldier or self-respecting breakfast enthusiast would she be if she declined such an opportunity?   

 

            “Alright,” Nina replied slowly. “I accept.”

 

            Lily’s grateful smile was brighter than the dawn Nina hadn’t cared to see. This was much better, anyhow.

 

            Now all Nina had to do was fashion herself into a lady to match the woman she was about to guide into Ketterdam’s most lude sector. Excitement fizzled in her chest as she readied herself, listening to Lily and Trassel playing in the garden through the cracked open window.

 

            Perhaps the day was gray, but Nina didn’t think a single thing could hinder her surprisingly good attitude- not even the unholy hour. Waffles drenched in syrup awaited her and the mysteriously enchanting woman she’d just agreed to dine with.

 

            Nina nearly dropped her glass perfume bottle when she realized she was hoping. Hoping for a great many things she’d not dared let herself wish for. Not since the sugar job. Since she’d shoveled ice and snow into a hole fit for the love of her life.

 

            Since Matthias’ watch had ended over her heart. Only in death could he be kept from his oath.

 

            Nina was hoping for dangerous things. Smiles. Laughter.

 

           

**** PRESENT ****

 

NINA

 

            Her hand was only bone and the barest layer of muscle and sinew, her skin… gone. Just… elsewhere. She half expected to find her flesh laying like one of Kaz’s gloves on her tea saucer. It wasn’t.

 

            Lily Arbor sat beside her; eyes white as a corpse Nina had not yet gotten her hands on.

 

            “This is…” Nina wiggled her fingers, enthralled. Her hand felt no different. She did not feel it at all, but still it functioned. Lily’s gaze was nowhere and everywhere all at once.

 

            Zoya leaned close over the table, blue eyes stretched wider than Nina had ever seen them. Except, perhaps, when the then-general had learned of her own warped abilities following her usage of jurda parem.

 

            “I figure Kane De Vries would open the front fucking gates to his fortress if presented with the corpses of the Queen of Ravka and Captain Inej Ghafa.” Kaz stated, brushing a gloved hand down the front of his already pristine lapel.

 

            Zoya’s confirming nod was slow. Rare was an agreement between the crowned Queen of Ravka and the unadorned King of Ketterdam.

 

            Lily’s breathing came in sluggish pulses, her fingers still wrapped around Nina’s displayed wrist bone.

 

            “It’s horrifying. That is what you were going to say.” Lily’s voice came in a hoarse growl.

 

            Kaz’s black eyes snapped to the mortician, quick as a bird of prey. A trickle of blood was slipping from Lily’s other palm, the one clenched around what had appeared to Nina as a human molar.

 

            “Lily,” Kaz whispered and signed, face as close to true concern as Nina thought he’d ever allow in front of Zoya. Inej, too, had a hand poised on the table. Always ready to leap to her feet.

 

            “I wasn’t going to say that.” Nina corrected immediately, keeping her voice tender despite Lily’s inability to hear. She made sure the other girl was watching her lips- as best she could estimate without irises to meet, anyhow. “I was going to say it’s beautiful. Your use of your science is… grace. Yes, that’s the word.”

 

            Lily’s whitened knuckles appeared to loosen on the tooth, crimson droplets pattering atop the tablecloth. Kaz didn’t seem to care. Nina supposed he was wealthy enough to replace it without a thought.

 

            “I need to give it back. Your… I call it ‘living rot’ is particularly tempting. I need to give it back. You… you need to call it back. That’s never happened before.” Lily croaked; her full red lips pursed in discomfort. “It likes my decay. I feel like I could do anything with this.”

 

            Nina felt it, too. Her veins within her arm, the ones not dissolved above her wrist, felt like they were vibrating. Almost as if she could call upon Lily’s body like she would a corpse, command her to stand. It was intoxicating, exuberant. Whimsical even, in a morbid sort of way.

 

            Nina felt her own brows furrowing, imagined her power the same as dead cells, like the ones she’d once commanded to spread a false plague throughout the staves.

 

            Kaz was signing to Lily now in rapid succession, his gaze narrowed on his sister.

 

            “I’m trying to give it back.” Lily whispered in response to his hand signals, sweat dotting her nose, her forehead. “Her power is fighting me.”

 

            “Are you not trained? I would never have dared let you practice on her if I’d known.” Zoya pressed in. Nina would have been flattered over the squaller’s concern if the searing irritation leaking from her words wasn’t obviously unhelpful. Nina swallowed tightly, realizing that Zoya’s lips had been read and understood by Lily.

 

            Lily’s milky eyes snapped to the queen as freakishly quick as a predator; her mouth twisted in a rouged and bloody sneer. “Let’s find out, your majesty. I can take your flesh, too. Savor it and take the years that would have been yours.”

 

            Lily’s voice was no longer her own. It was something else. Something hungrier, angrier. Ghezen… was that how Lily’s power worked? Could she… steal years of life?

 

            Zoya Nazyalensky did not balk, did not show fear. Nina had known this truth as long as her home had been the little palace.

 

            This fact was what made Zoya’s sudden recoil so jarring.

 

            The Queen slipped back on her floor cushion; hands braced to call upon the air around them before dropping them into angry fists. Nina couldn’t blame the monarch for her blatant flash of fear.

 

            Nina supposed that Death was only ever intended to be accepted. When one claimed to meet death head on, they truly meant it in the way of accepting a held open door. Walking through with muttered gratitude but never really glancing at the person propping it open within the threshold. Death was supposed to be a grim shadow at the corner of your vision, a faceless inevitability.

 

            Death was never meant to look back into your eyes with a gleam of challenge, one meant to test mettle and cull the weak.

 

            The ultimate harbinger was only ever supposed to be a certainty, incapable of dictating the when and the how of the end, simply omniscient and punctual about it. A middleman between worlds, grotesque and lucrative in his- her- career.

 

            Instead, Queen Zoya Nazyalensky had caught Death’s eye and found herself checked in the corner of a terrifying chess board.

 

            Nina refocused her efforts, she could not dwell on the Queen’s sharp retorts or Lily’s, albeit deserving, threats.

 

            This unweaving required more of the Corpse Witch. The thought led to another curious musing…What was Lily Arbor’s title? What was this girl if not Death ensnared by human bones? They were two sides of the same blackened coin. She and the doctor. Death on one side, Mourning on the other. One was for the living and the dead, the other for the broken and the damned.

 

            Perhaps Nina and Lily were simply creatures from old tales long forgotten. Reapers come to sow that which was never supposed to be owned.

 

            “Neens, are you alright?” Inej.

 

            “I feel fine,” Nina breathed, “It’s just… these powers… they want to play.” She would have laughed if she could, but she was too focused on drawing all of her strands of power back in. This part of Nina’s raising was always the most similar to the science she’d once wielded, been born with. Heartrending was a weave of veins, connection to the body.

 

            Raising corpses was not so dissimilar, neither was spreading fragments of them.

 

            Still. Nina was, quite frankly, stupefied. She’d not called on her science. She shouldn’t be calling it back to herself when she’d never sent it away.

 

            Instead, her science had called on Lily. Gone to the mortician, wove through her like a corpse on puppet strings with no puppeteer. Nina hadn’t… she’d done nothing at all, in truth. Except lay her hand out for Lily. It was startling, to think she’d finally learned all the ins and outs of her strange capabilities only to discover that three long years of trial and error could mean nothing at all in the face of this kin force.

 

            Nina felt her heretical power re-spooling like thick black yarn on a spindle. Her raising threads admitting defeat. It was unexpected, the strange pang of yearning her very body felt in the wake of extraction from Lily’s own rot.

 

            Lily’s ghostly gaze was focused on Kaz, watching his hand signals with sheer determination. Her skin gleamed with a thin layer of sweat; her jaw held at an agonizing clench. Strain was evident in every ridge of her body.

 

            Or restraint. The thought wiggled itself free, unbidden.

 

            Nina’s eyes met Inej’s from across the table, her suli friend encapsulated in the ruby light that shined off her onyx waves. Inej’s chin dipped subtly, warm eyes flickering to Kaz and Lily. Her meaning was quite obvious. Kaz was… assisting Lily. Talking her down?

 

            Brekker was doing a fine job of it, by estimation. Nina did not even feel it as her hand began to re-shape, fill with life. It was like watching an autopsy in reverse. Nina, the odd grisha she was, found herself thoroughly enchanted.

 

            Zoya did not interrupt, though Nina felt her piercing attention on each and every inch of the table. The queen sipped her tea, half-eying the map scroll Inej had previously laid on the corner of the sparkling service tray. Zoya Nazyalensky had a limited well of patience, but Kaz and Inej would be rushed by no one. Monarch or no. This plan was worth a bit of uncomfortable silence- and her majesty seemed to know it, too.

 

            Kaz Brekker was the architect of grand designs- he would reveal his scheme by his own measure alone. Anyone in Ketterdam with even a lick of street smarts would know that by the rumors alone. Kaz did not shirk his own genius by rushing. Nina’s affection for the bastard of the barrel only increased for it.

 

            Nina Zenik had stopped doubting Dirtyhands years ago. Kaz had his priorities, and in this moment, that was Lily. As it should be.

 

            Nina watched her skin sweep over her arteries. Nothing was different. The same freckle dotted her thumb, down to the small starburst scar on her palm from where she’d been tested as a child. Nina hardly remembered it at all, her grisha discovery exam, save for her joy when the woman in a red kefta at the table had called her ‘Malv koren serka’.

 

            Little heart stopper, in ravkan.

 

            Lily’s eyes were shifting. The murky whites now had drops of navy watercolor within them, bleeding slowly into the shape of perfect irises. Blue moons reflected on blizzard prone fjords.

 

            “Pardon me,” Lily whispered, her voice only a bit haggard. “That was a new experience for me.”

 

            Nina’s wrist felt cold the moment Lily dropped it. The skin there was positively pink with health, not even a hint to reveal the rot that had claimed it moments before.

 

            “Explain, if you please. When you’re ready.” Zoya asked, her tone just edging the line of polite request and royal demand.

 

            Lily looked over at Kaz when he passed her a second linen napkin to wipe away the blood in her palm. His chin dipped in a bare nod. The mortician cleaned the tooth first, dabbing away at the bone with obvious care. Something about it made Nina bite her lip to restrain the giggles marching up her throat.

 

            Inappropriate laughter was generally Nina’s preferred kind, but she managed to hold decorum while seated next to the grisha she’d looked up to her entire life. Zoya was first and foremost the backbone of Nina’s entire military career. She’d never cease being grateful- despite their numerous and vast differences.

 

            Lily, hands finally cleansed, took a long sip of tea from the cup Inej had helpfully refilled with piping hot jasmine. Nina imagined it helped the other girls voice… right itself.

 

            “To your earlier request, Zoya, I suppose I am not ‘trained’ as those in your second army. However, I am well versed in my science and my profession. To put it simply, this was… divergent, from any mortem tailoring done I’ve thus far.” Lily paused, gaze twitching between the four of them. Nina knew the other woman’s focus had lingered on her a tad longer.

 

            “Because of my own inherent qualities.” Nina supplied with a smile. “You’ve never tailored someone else with a bit of extra death lying about in her veins.”

 

            “Precisely. I suppose it is neither here nor there as I will not be tailoring you, Nina, for this plan to play out.” Lily nodded, offered a delicate grin in return. The wings returned to Nina’s gut. She stuffed a cookie in her mouth.

 

            Zoya straightened her posture, lips pursed. She remained silent- likely unraveling all the ways in which the world varied from what she believed before Lily arrived. Nina may have been projecting her own inner plight.

 

            “This, I believe, is when I disrupt the known order of things. One of my favorite things to do as queen, truth be told,” Zoya stilled, head inclined with consideration. Electric eyes drifted first to Nina, then to Lily. The queen’s voice changed here; each word cloaked under the weight of royal decree.

 

            “Welcome, Dr. Arbor- First of her kind, second of her nature, to the Grisha. I could name you Corporalki, the order of the living and the dead. But you are a grisha yet unclassified- neither heartrender nor healer. Tailor, in a sense, but more. When Nina was the single outlier- this was simply looked past. However, two does indeed constitute a group.”

 

            Nina’s breath lodged somewhere between her lungs and her tongue. Go on, Zoya. Please. The queen did not disappoint.

 

            “Instead, I name a new order, consecrated by the crown and oath I bear. Morturalki, the order of raising and dying. You will reclaim your color from the memory of the Darkling- for even the so-called Starless Saint could not escape death- the power you wield.”

 

            A color that was not borrowed. Nina had a color once more. Lily’s face was stoic as stone, entirely at odds with the glittering happiness Nina felt. She could not even manage to dwell on it. A color!

 

            “Thank you, Moya Tsarita.” Nina whispered over a grin so wide her cheeks already ached. She bowed as best she could whilst seated. Zoya gave only a dip of her chin in acknowledgement- a veritable hug and a pat on the back from the queen. Nina thought she might erupt.

 

            “That being said, shall we continue?” Zoya asked with a sweep of her wrist.

 

            Nina didn’t know how they all did it, but every eye at the table crept to Kaz. Kaz, who sat completely unbothered by the attention and smirking over the rim of his coffee mug. Steam rippled along his sharp jaw, twisted across his bottomless black eyes. It was the warning smoke from a dragon’s maw, signaling that fire was near and burning was entirely at his leisure.

 

            “Well, Brekker. I certainly did not account for you to come back with a plan that included rotting me to a corpse. Time to prove it isn’t for spite.” The queen sighed. Nina heard Zoya’s reluctant respect in the words.

 

            Kaz set his coffee down slowly. Lazily.

 

            “I won’t lie,” Kaz began, settling his elbows upon the table and steepling his leathered hands before him. “It was an added bonus to my days spent scheming. You irk me, Nazyalensky.” Kaz’s chuckle was rough as stripped nails. Dirtyhands, through and through.

 

            Kaz had waited, let them all circle like water around a drain. Saints, it really never did get old- no matter how many times Nina had witnessed his grand reveals. This time, Inej sat equally smug beside her intended. Her pride was no less subtle, only shown differently. The acrobat sat straight as a spear, chin held high and poised. This was their court, and the rulers of the Barrel and the Bay needed no fancy chairs atop a dais to show it.

 

            Kaz and Inej managed to look down upon their kingdom from the ground, sat upon suli floor cushions. Inej looked to the man beside her, for this was his moment to shine under the bleeding spotlight. Hers would yet come- likely with resounding applause from sails snapping in the wind.

 

            Now. Now Kaz would reveal why the world would bow to his whims- and perhaps Ravka’s- if he deemed it so. Nina should’ve expected it.

 

            Only Kaz Brekker was iron willed enough to become the last bastion, the wall that kept the known world from plunging into war.

           

Notes:

GUYS. GUYYYYYYS. AHH. My head hurts because I need to scrape up the money to get updated glasses (elw usa healthcare not being inclusive) BUT ALL THE EDITING IN FRONT OF THE SCREEN WAS WORTH IT FOR THIS ONE. (i hope??) <3333

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AHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Chapter 175: J.J.R.

Summary:

The next generation of thugs and felons raise to the challenge of spidering. A kiss and a storm.

Notes:

HELLO
I AM NOT DECEASED
CAN YOU TELL I'M EXCITED?!?!?!

hi.

I know. I've been gone again. I know I gave no warning at the time of my last upload. This is because I had no reason to suspect my own absence at the time. Which, back in the beginning of Spring, I'd actually been on a roll for a solid month there only for it to end abruptly. I swear this is not how I intended for this to be nor how I wanted to treat you- dear readers. Those of you who have been around since the beginning might remember I used to upload multiple times per week (no I'm not sane, thx for asking) and if I could- I'd still do that. HOWEVER, life happens. My previous couple month break had been mostly due to burn out but this one actually had NOTHING to do with that.

(For those who want to skip ahead, I have a song rec per usual and happy reading.<3 I hope you love the chapter and can forgive my absence and accept my truest apology and gratitude for your continued patience.)

For those curious- the long story short is I essentially had to pack up and move from my home of the past five years without any real warning. It was scary and tumultuous to say the least. Essentially, my apartment complex was bought out by a grossly large corporation and suddenly to renew my lease (as I've done with my partner for the past five years) it was going to nearly double my monthly rent. Needless to say, in this economy, that was not an option. I loved that place but was faced with the fact I had only a couple weeks to figure out new arrangements and pack up my entire life and move. It required, quite frankly, all of my attention outside of my day job which I obviously had to continue doing. That all said, I found a new home. A bigger apartment actually that gave me my own little library/office and my partner (who is basically Jesper) his own office, too. (He's a creator, too!). It also gave my little cats, Dirtypaws (Mr. darcy) and Elizabeth a huge window with a ledge for afternoon sunshine and a patio right in view of a massive tree with tons of birds in it that leads into my office. All this, for a teensy bit less money than I was currently spending in my old place. It was a beautiful stroke of luck when the cost of everything keeps getting higher here in the US.

Not only that, but there is several 'Glass Scorpions' developments I can't wait to share with you all that also required a significant amount of focus behind the scenes, including going over the manuscript of the book which I haven't actually edited in over a year as I've drafted books 2 and 3. <3 (No, I can't say anything yet but I promise you'll be the first to know!!!!)

Anyhow, between all that and regular life and bills and car problems etc etc etc... I really couldn't get my sh*t together enough to give you an upload worthy of your time. I wrote this chapter and the following one twice over before landing in a space i am ("relatively", see also: 'not cringing') happy with. I hope you love it and I hope it brings some joy to anyone who needs it when the world is witnessing such cruelty and senseless waste of human life and spirit.

I will have 'part 2' (sorta) of this chapter up within the next few days as well. <3 This one is plot heavy but absolutely needed- hope that's okay. I've missed you all so much, I can't even begin to explain it. I apologize for my absence ONCE AGAIN.., however I hope I can repay your patience with words. I feel like I might hit a roll here, and any encouragement is greatly appreciated!

Thank you forever, my dear friends, readers and witnesses of creative struggles. <3

PSS- for helpful reference: ch.162 plays a part in this, specifically the beginning of Jesper's POV.

Song Rec.: "hope ur ok" by Olivia Rodrigo (THE END. You'll get it.)

???

            Crimson bloomed across the white floor tiles, petals of pink unfurling as they encompassed the gleaming metal drain hatch. A bloody peony, fluffed to full bloom.

 

            There it was again. A sly nudge in the gut straight from the brain. The subtle gnawing of a thought, the off-putting sense that something wasn’t quite right. It was the tingling creep of a lapse in memory, a shadow that stalked each mundane moment, waiting to pounce. Useless was the knowledge of an overlooked moment if one could not determine its location on a calendar.

 

            What was it? It had been days of toiling within the corners of her mind, desperately searching for the source of this incessant incorrectness.

 

            “Are you going to speak or are you waiting for one of my patients to respond? They ain’t in much a mood for blabber.” A voice cut through the echoey silence, melodious but stern. The noise bumped and clamored across the copper pipes that veined the ceiling, jolting Emilia Winstrad’s thoughts in much the same manner.

 

            “Pardon?” Emilia hummed, eyes tracking the delicate disappearance of blood down the drain. “Yes, corpses, I know.”

 

            “Now that made about as much sense as a pigeon cluckin’ like a hen and you damn well know it, Ems.” Adrie warbled, forceps flailing in a jabbing flick of her wrist.

 

            Pigeon clucking. Emilia’s parched lips felt ready to crack as she smirked in the corner of the morgue, leaned against the ice box lockers. The seamstress was but a well-dressed shadow on the wall, hardly more animated than the bag of bones under Adrie’s careful cutting hands. This was a good place to think, was all. Quiet but not silent. Companionable, as morbid as it was.

 

            “You know, we both really do have a steady hand when it comes to precision projects.” Emilia pondered as Adrie carved another psychotically straight line through an elderly man’s chest cavity.

 

            Adrie glanced up at her through overlong fringe, dusty gold hanging into late-summer eyes. Emilia didn’t dare move- the mortician hadn’t kicked her out yet. It was progress. More than she’d made in the past eight years.

 

            Still, this was new. Without the buffer of Lily, Emilia felt the eggshells beneath her heels, trembling with the urge to crack.

 

            Adrie clucked her tongue, reaching for a clamp. Emilia frowned as the other woman pried thick skin open with a slap. “I use my steady hand to carve bodies and you make dresses. Yet, somehow you were always classified as the ‘tough one’ between us.”

 

            Emilia smirked, fingers clasping around the matchbook in her coat pocket. The strike sliced against walls, a curl of smoke ribboning across Adrie’s brow. Emilia lit the bowl of her pipe and inhaled deeply.

 

            “I’m sorry, Adrie.”

 

            “Whatever for?”

 

            “For the godawful way that smock fits you. If you’d let me tailor it properly, all these dead corpses might have beating hearts again just from seeing your figure.”

 

            Emilia hadn’t expected to hear Adrie’s gasping laugh, all snorts and fuss. She’d not earned that in many years. Perhaps the last time had been in between satin sheets, in that apartment she’d once rented on her husband’s dime.

 

            The noise felt like royal air, best spent on the lungs of rule-changers and world-alterers. Yet Emilia inhaled like a greedy flame.

 

            “Now that sounds like a pigeon trying to cluck. Or impersonate any other bird…While it’s dying.” Emilia parroted.

 

            “Are you saying that if I was a bird, I’d be short, stout and scavenging?” Adrie mumbled; mouth curled in concealment of another rare grin. “Because if that is the case, I’d say you should leave before I dissect you to find out just what in Ghezen’s name is wrong with you. Reminder- I do have a bone saw.”

 

            Something tickled Emilia’s mind. A wiggle of a thought, spiraling toward her nephew’s name. It was an unformed string, all strands and no braid. Since Kaz and Inej had left Lij only a few days prior, Adrie’s assistant and buffer in tow, Emilia had not been able to shake this unraveled feeling. This nagging snarl of stray-thread thoughts that never bothered to anchor themselves to any one feeling or name- no matter how hard she tried. Emilia marched for Lily Arbor’s special ice box in the wall.

 

            She needed a drink. The thought would come to her with a bit of liquid coaxing.

 

            “I’m going to have a drink. What do you want?” Emilia asked. The tray of bottles rattled as she wheeled it out, a sea of quivering silver labels and green glass.

 

            “It’s not even five,” Adrie grumbled, her body bent over the corpse. Emilia heard the fleshy snip of artery.

 

            Glancing at her watch, Emilia tsked petulantly. “It’s half seven, dove. Time flies when I’m lurking in your corner.”  

 

            “Well, I’m not drinkin’ much these days. And-mind you- never in your company whilst wieldin’ body mutilatin’ tools.” Adrie’s twang chimed equal in sarcasm and threat.

 

            “Now that’s half your problems right there!” Emilia replied, selecting a bottle of honey bourbon and a tumbler that looked far too much like a beaker to think about any further.

 

            “I thought my problem was bein’ a short pigeon and dyin’.” Adrie sing-songed as she plopped a… liver on a scale. The thing was drowned in obvious alcohol abuse. Emilia sent a silent pep-talk to her own organ. It was no quitter. She had a few more decades left in her despite the beating it was about to take from the bourbon.

 

            Emilia took a swig, pacing the back of Adrie’s laboratory. Her boots clipped the tile, ricocheting in tandem with the snap of tendons.

 

            “What if I told you that you were a perfectly average-height pigeon?”

 

            “Like one of them Cane birds? Herons?” Adrie huffed as she yanked the heart out of the corpse.

 

            Emilia’s tumbler shattered on the marble floor. No. No. She replayed Inej’s words in her head. Kaz’s words. The ledger her nephew had stolen from aboard a slaver’s ship.

 

            “What in Ghezen’s almighty name?!” Adrie shrieked, bloody gloved hands braced on her hips and cheeks flushed.

 

            “I have to go. I have to go- right now,” Emilia breathed, heart racing. She marched forward, brought both hands to either side of Adrie’s face and kissed her.

 

             It was harsh and full and a glimpse of the stars after a thousand years in deepest hell.

 

            Still, Emilia couldn’t bear to look the woman she’d lost in the eye. Life may have demanded this little act of courage but seeing anything but joy in Adrie’s expression proved to be too big a fire hazard to Emilia Winstrad’s match-stick heart.

 

            She had to go.

 

            Emilia ran from the morgue.

 

            Kaz needed to know. They’d missed it. They’d both missed it.

 

           

 

 

 

KAZ

 

            Rain slapped against the thick windows lining Shati En Malm Tarre. Ketterdam’s coast was under assault by the first monsoon of the season, but Kaz thought he might prefer standing outside rather than hearing the oak kitchen doors swing open- despite his request to the restaurant staff for absolute privacy for this meeting. And a solid half bell before breakfast service opened for the pigeons and locals.

 

            Ashan, the head chef, waded through the sea of low tables and floor cushions with expert steps, his heavy brow and neat trimmed beard dotted with sweat- presumably from the roaring ovens of the kitchens. A short and stern suli man, possessing a reserved countenance and dry humor, meant Kaz liked him quite a lot on most days.

 

            Perhaps not today.

 

            Kaz had barely spoken a word to the four expectant women who sat around him before he cursed, muttering a brief ‘excuse me’. Zoya’s answering sigh echoed so loudly that Nikolai Lantsov probably heard it from the cush seat of his throne in Ravka.

 

            Ashan stopped in the middle of the room to meet Kaz, clearly intending for privacy. Behind him, Kaz heard Inej begin chattering about the quality of imported teas. Brilliant, lovely woman. She was distracting the others from whatever had inspired the recluse chef to disobey Anika’s- and by that count, his- direct orders for no interruptions unless the building was on fire.

 

            “Is the kitchen on fire?” Kaz asked on approach, snapping the lid of his pocket watch with a tad more force than necessary.

 

            “Apologies, Mr. Brekker,” Ashan bowed at the waist.

 

            “What did I say about the bowing? I have enough of an ego. Stop feeding it.”

 

            Ashan’s lips cracked in a hint of a smile. “Right. Kitchen is flame free- Miss Anika did call for no interruptions but she was gone before I could speak up. This morning the dining hall is on reserve between nine and ten bells. I left word for you; you approved two nights ago.” Ashan produced a folded square of paper from his pocket, the broken wax seal was indeed Kaz’s.

 

            Kaz took the proffered missive, glanced at his own scratchy handwriting. This had been the note he’d finished off right as Jesper had burst into his office, the first night they’d returned from Lij. He’d been aggravated. Hurt by Nina’s words. He could at least admit it within the solitude of his own mind. Still, he’d forgotten about this entirely.

 

            Some eidetic memory, Brekker.

 

            “Right.” Kaz rasped, passing the note back. He ran a hand through his hair, glancing over his shoulder. Inej’s gaze met his, a question lingering. Kaz turned back to the chef. “Who has it on reserve? The price to reserve the entire space is high- I set the price. ‘Ludicrous’ was the word I thought of in fact when selecting a number. So, I want to know if I’m interested in whatever conversation might take place if I vacate the room.”

 

            Ashan, already quite familiar with delivering tips to the Dregs, leaned in conspiratorially.

 

            “Merchant council, from what I understand. Unofficial business- but dare I say there is no social gatherings that require such a grand room for less than ten men?” Ashan lifted a brow, clicked his tongue. “That was why I wrote in the first place. Odd for them to select a dining parlor in the Barrel, no?”

 

            Kaz straightened immediately. He remembered reading the missive, but he’d not read it properly. A fuck up, certainly, but perhaps it was a lucrative one.

 

            Thoughts cascaded through Kaz’s mind like a betting ball on a Ravkan roulette wheel. Last night, Inej had confided Wylan’s unease regarding the stability of the Merchant Council- despite his powerful position as Head Chair. It was concerning given that Ketterdam was really quite the simple-minded nation when one learned to whittle down all the political jargon and superfluous laws.

 

            Kerch’s entire government was a wide based icicle that could be sharpened to a fine tip, one cold rule: wealth won all elections and greed always sat second in command.

 

            Jan Van Eck’s face shuddered to light within Kaz’s reverie. As much as it would have been preferable to imagine the grotesque old skiv as a shivering mess in the bowels of Hellgate, desperate for a piece of bread and a wet rag to clean himself… Kaz was not naïve. Likely, as he’d spoken about with Inej last night, Jan had the council and the warden under his thumb even from inside the devil’s dwelling. He’d been rich long enough to have that kind of sway over those who thought to possess even a sliver of the Van Eck fortune for themselves.

 

            “What name made the reservation?” Kaz rasped to the smirking chef.

 

            “Jergin Rindger made it, you know that old fellow with the piss-colored teeth? Miss Anika says she’d like to throw him from the balcony of the club for his… wandering hands toward the staff. Heard her say it myself. Looks, you know, sexual, but she thinks he’s letting perversion cover up his not-so-fast fingers.”

 

            “He’s a chip thief.” Kaz returned, this was no new knowledge. Several dealers had caught the man’s hand in their pockets, digging for the chips supplied and rotated between the club’s card tables. Kaz had meant what he’d said to Inej the night prior- he would have removed the sloppy drunk and worse thief ages ago if he didn’t actually play with his own betting kruge. He did, however, bring loads of kruge into the Dregs coffers. It also didn’t hurt that Jergin was drunk enough to make a fine mark in the event Kaz needed ears on the council that Wylan could not, or would not, provide.

 

            Kaz was a neater drunk and a better thief, but today Merchant Jergin just might repay the intolerable nights he’d put the staff at the Crow Club through.

 

            “Has Merchant Jergin visited our fine dining hall before?” Kaz looked at Ashan from the corner of his eye, already running through the ears he could place in the room. The ones that would be looked over. One of the first lessons Kaz had learned as a child living under bridges and bathing in the canals. Posh-nosers of society tended to wear blinders like a carriage horse in the presence of the unsightly. They did not look twice at the ruddy, wind-burnt harbor rats.

 

             If the thing was not beautiful, it was not respectable. If the thing was not respectable, it was invisible.

           

            If Kaz had never gotten cocky back then, not let himself count every card, win every hand, and purple each fragile ego- he never would have been banned from half the gambling halls in this city. It was only the bulge of kruge in his threadbare pockets that had caught attention from grimy den managers. Never his size, demeanor or abhorrently young age.

 

            A youthful whimsy swept over Kaz, left over from his proud pre-teen self. If he’d simply lost a few cheap rounds, maybe he would have been living in Ghezen’s cathedral, every cent on the island of Kerch tucked in stacks to keep the draft out of his home-slash-oligarchal bank.

           

            Counting cards would have been a lot less work than becoming boss of the Dregs, club owner, restauranteur and world class thief.

 

            It was Inej’s voice that whispered now, “Say again? I still hear cocky.”

 

            Kaz resisted the urge to turn and look at Inej across the room. Damn the Wraith. She’d trapezed herself right into a promotion from ‘wife’ to ‘conscience’. Still, he needed to speed this up with Ashan. The queen, Kaz could reluctantly admit, deserved the respect of her time. Not to mention that Kaz had no desire for any of them to be in the room when the merchers arrived for their private breakfast. The drapes were drawn, the public entrance locked so no early arrivals could enter. This was good. He had just enough time.

 

            “Well? Has Jergin been here before?” Kaz prodded to the chef.

 

            Ashan nodded furiously. “Yes, I was trying to recall if he’d been alone. He was, that day.

 

            “Opening night, in fact. Ate three entrees to himself and occupied a three-person setting for an hour too-long. Steamed up some customers who had a reservation.” Ashan grimaced; face contorted in disgust. “I remember I served him slightly past expiration clams because he wouldn’t stop hollering about how the restaurant should cater at that filthy ‘house of exotics’. He kept asking the waiter to fetch me from the kitchen for him. He was a determined drunk, alright. Kept trying to give me the Madam’s card to… ‘arrange a partnership’. Other patrons were annoyed on my behalf.”

 

            Kaz rolled his eyes. Of course, that filthy old git frequented the Menagerie. Still, pride warmed Kaz’s chest. His ruse worked- swimmingly it seemed if members of the council felt… safe enough to bring themselves so close to Dirtyhands.

 

            It had been deliberate, Kaz’s careful business puppeteering. Shati En Malm Tarre was rumored to be a neutral establishment in the Barrel. Neutral enough, at least.

 

            The plan started with finding Ashan himself; the Ravkan turned Kerchman relocated in devotion to his only daughter. The girl, whom Ashan had raised alone, harbored aspirations of attending Ketterdam University for a diploma in law. A pricy bit of education and quite the bargaining chip for Kaz.

 

            Missing authentic suli cuisine on this side of the True Sea and without gainful employment, Ashan opened a small food cart amongst the mazelike market of little Ravka. The chef’s talent drew a decent crowd despite the menu’s limitation to the space of his kitchen- a repurposed coal cart. The small dishes of spiced shrimp curry, grilled vegetable kabobs and gulp-sized cups of tea that changed by the day, left an impression on Anika. Kaz’s lieutenant had actually been the one to find the cart- then she’d marked its operator as Kaz’s new head chef immediately upon her sampling of spiced delicacies the suli were known for.

 

            Kaz, on the other hand, hadn’t been sold so quickly. He’d tasted Inej’s mother’s cooking, after all. Small, but extremely deep shoes to fill. Still, Ashan had proven his competence to Kaz right there on the street, not so much as flinching when Kaz flashed his crow and cup tattoo, kabob halfway to his mouth.

 

            The stern suli man had landed the job the moment he’d dared look Kaz Brekker up and down, as if assessing if the boss was worth his time. Finally, he’d mumbled: “I cook, you give me free rent and good wages. Simple deal to me, Mr. Dirtyhands.”  

 

            It hadn’t been quite so simple. Kaz had needed more from his prospective head chef. Naturally, Kaz was plenty willing to provide the proper incentive for these additional responsibilities. Such as a teenage girl’s law school tuition.

 

            It was worth the kruge. The fruits of Kaz’s long planted plot had proved truly useful, today. In the eyes of Ketterdam’s power players, Ashan Sivin appeared to be the true owner of Shati En Malm Tarre. While known that the Dregs and their crooked boss were taking a cut- Ashan’s arm remained feather free and his reputation unmarked by actual affiliation. Framed just so, it became public knowledge that the chef was a recent immigrant (true) who’d come to the city with a small fortune destined for purchase of Kerch’s first suli owned and run dining hall (false). Story was that Ashan had not been able to afford any properties in the luxe districts, so he’d broadened his search to the Barrel. Pity. Kaz Brekker just so happened to be Ashan’s benefactor in shining armor- for a cut.

 

             All well-woven fabrication with very good reason. This elaborate manipulation of the city had allowed Shati En Malm Tarre, despite literal connection to the Dregs’ main holding, to remain mostly neutral. A rare no-loyalty safe haven, dead center of the Barrel. A place far away from the judgmental eyes that lingered on every corner in the wealth and fuss of the upper caste. Inconspicuous while already renowned for being a slice of luxury between Ketterdam’s blackest teeth.

 

            A bit of sugar water for the flies, all Kaz had to do was wait.

 

            It had been simple for Specht to falsify the public records in Ashan’s name; Kaz himself marked as only a fifteenth-share owner. In actuality, Kaz was a co-owner of the establishment, along with his soon-to-be wife. Still, Kaz and Inej’s cut was small- only paid after staff, maintenance, and supply charges.

 

            Kaz hadn’t told Inej, but he’d been skimming his own share; taking only a quarter for himself and sequestering the rest away in an account only Wylan knew about. Hidden under the protective umbrella of the Van Eck investment name, this kruge was well and truly guarded. While Kaz had dreamed this place up for his Wraith, it never would have come to fruition were it not for the influence of the entire Ghafa family. Before even revealing the space to Inej, it had been decided where his cut would go.

 

            Kaz’s majority share was bloating on interest in an account dedicated for Sharya and Kahir Ghafa. A gift he could give them for their unshakable belief that he was worthy as he was, dirty hands and all.

 

            Maybe they would never retire, the acrobats too proud for that, but Kaz thought of how delighted Inej’s parents had seemed to visit Ketterdam. How surprised they’d been to stay in a luxury cabin on a ship returning to Ravka.

 

            Maybe the Ghafa’s could simply take the money and spend it on little luxuries or trips abroad. Or geraniums and fine bottles of Ravkan brandy. If they wanted to buy a fist sized ruby for kicks, Kaz wouldn’t give a damn.

 

            Ruby. He’d seen a ruby that big, just recently. Dropped it on purpose.

 

            Sparking thoughts began to catch fire in Kaz’s mind. A mole he could place in this room. A boy that was eager to prove himself, enthusiastic even when he didn’t know he was being watched. A child from the streets to be overlooked when donning the apron and sanitized uniform of a waiter or a dish boy.

 

            “What do you want me to do?” Ashan probed in Kaz’s scheming silence.

 

            “Get breakfast ready as planned, my meeting can be moved to my office,” Kaz answered, glancing at his time piece once more. “Get out a uniform for one of the waiters from the laundry. Smallest you have.”

 

            “Smallest?” Ashan tilted his head.

 

            Kaz shrugged, “You are going to teach a mole to be a waiter in less than half a bell. I’ll have him sent in. Do not serve the food before he’s ready. Make excuses if you have to, but let the other staff know he’s one of mine.”

 

            “I’ll let them know to pull weight.” Ashan replied easily, unbothered.

 

            Kaz gave a brisk nod, “Have a pleasant morning, Chef.”

 

            “Happy hunting, Mr. Brekker.”

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

            “M-M-Mister Brekker, sir,” the boy wobbled on the threshold of Kaz’s office, pale brow beaded with nervous sweat. His clothes were over-large, hand-me-downs from some corner of the Slat, presumably.

 

            “Cristof,” Kaz rasped, “Come in. I have a job for you.”

 

            The boy might as well have vomited the ruby he dropped on Kaz’s desk with a clatter, the motion so sick with guilt.

 

            “I took this from you, sir. You dropped it on the stave. I’d not realized your face, I won’t do it again I reckon. Anything to keep my place, sir. I’ll sleep on the floor in the Slat or- or-“

 

            “Hush.” Kaz reclined in his seat, inspecting the ruby brooch he’d nicked from some rich tourist and dropped in Cristof’s path only two nights prior. The child looked ready to shit himself, just as Jesper predicted he would upon meeting Kaz Brekker- and recognizing him.

 

            “You thought on your feet. A skill I value only behind loyalty.” Kaz tossed the gem back to the scrawny kid, a string bean and pale as snow. He shivered, with shock or fear. Still, Cristof had a showmanship about him on the staves, as Kaz remembered. Which was the act?

 

            “I… I got some pigeons into the club, sir. It was what Mr. Rotty recruited me for. I got a knack for it, jabbering people into a hole. Least that’s what Miss Nistram, my old house master, said. I talked the other stable boys to death. Seems rather dramatic to me since they’re all still alive and I’m the one not muckin’ stables no more.”

 

            “You are twelve, previously employed for the Staadwatch horse stables, correct? Orphan pinched from the public houses a few years back?” Kaz supplied.

 

            “Yes, sir. I was a piss-poor stable boy, but I’m damn good at people. I convinced Sir Rotty to let me take the crow and cup and everythin’, see?” Cristof presented his gangly forearm, the ink still ridged.

 

            Kaz smirked at that. Cristof’s hair was overlong, curled around his ears in messy oak spirals. Pinkened freckles dotted the bridge of his nose under egg-shell blue eyes. He looked innocent… Kerch, but unremarkable. Perfect.

 

            All that surprised Kaz was the boy’s incessant need to make it known that he’d wanted to join the Dregs. Was it the reputation of wealth that had sprung the Crow and Cup into legend? Was it the location of fifth harbor? Or was he simply trying to endear himself to Kaz Brekker?

 

            “Good. Why did you convince Rotty to join the Dregs? Any other gang might have taken you on. Might have been easier, too. I’ve grown… selective, Cristof.”

 

            Cristof, for the first time, was silent for a long moment. His small hands turned the ruby brooch round and round, the light bouncing against the dark wood of Kaz’s desk in bloody droplets. Finally, the child looked up. Kaz noticed the dark rings eclipsing the soft skin beneath his eyes, evidence of a childhood spent hungry and tired at the same time. A familiar sight.

 

            Cristof’s voice was softened to a near whisper when he answered, the words cracked between child and young man.

 

            “You gave me a diamond, once. Under a tin cup I used to leave out when there wasn’t room in the stables to sleep. I know it was you, sir. Your cane. It’s all I saw in the dark. The silver crow. See, sir, you gave me the first payment I’d ever gotten and hot meals for a fortnight. I’m not the sort to go ‘round forgettin’ who kept me alive through the rainy season.”

 

            Crows remember those who were kind. Never forgot who to look out for.

 

            Kaz steepled his fingers, masking the slapping shock he felt. It was true, he’d left kruge for street kids now and then over the years as they slept. But this boy… Kaz remembered the night. He’d left diamonds under a tin cup, just after the heist he’d run to steal Inej’s future engagement ring stone.

 

            “I doubt anyone would believe that if you told them.” Kaz replied, eyes piercing the youngest member of the Dregs. To his credit, Cristof’s gaze did not falter.

 

            “No, sir. I never bothered to try and convince a soul. None but you because I’m not lyin’ and you’re not denyin’.”

 

            Kaz raised a brow at the boy’s held-high chin, his straight shoulders. A crow, then. Rotty was clearly handling new recruits just fine.

 

            “All right, Cristof,” Kaz raised himself from his chair, marched to the corner of the room to fetch the waiter’s uniform the kitchen had sent up. “I want you to run the mission of a spider for me, this time. I’m after information.”

 

            “Like the Wraith?” Cristof’s eyes went wide with admiration, his voice soft. It was as if this was his own glimpse of magic. Kaz glanced back once more over his shoulder.

 

            The kid drew up short, “I- I’m sorry, sir. I know she’s your missus… I- I just heard she’s quicker than a cat and quieter than death himself! I ain’t ever imagined I could help like her. Does she prefer Captain, now? I ain’t mean to be disrespectful.”

 

            Kaz resisted the sudden urge to laugh at the boy’s fear that he’d fumbled this meeting simply by mentioning Inej. Still, the Wraith could answer for herself. Kaz needn’t wait long.

 

            “I’m quite fine with being called ‘Wraith’ because I don’t think I could ever swallow down ‘Mrs. Dirtyhands’,” Inej’s arrival came as a complete scare to Cristof based on his barely held in shriek that presented instead as a whimper.

 

            “Pardon me,” Inej smiled wide, eyes kind. “I caught the end of that conversation. Pleasure to meet you, Cristof.”

 

            The door shut with a soft click behind Inej, each movement more graceful than smoke.

 

            “Ma’am,” Cristof gulped, nodding furiously. “I just- er,”

 

            Inej held up a hand as she hopped up to sit on the corner of Kaz’s desk, one leg crossed over the other. Kaz grinned at her over Cristof’s head, her eyes sparking with barely held together laughter.

 

            “Not ‘ma’am’, please. For Saints’ sake I’m less than a decade older than you.” Inej said with another easy smile. She’d always been good with children, Kaz knew. She had to be. As their rescuer on treacherous seas, Captain Ghafa always took particular care to leave a shine on the impression she made upon the youngest wards. Inej herself knew what it was to long for a single friendly face amidst such heinous trauma.

 

            Still, Cristof’s neck could have snapped from how forcefully he nodded, as if this were the Fjerdan militia ranks and not a ludicrously organized crime syndicate. It was ridiculous, but Kaz couldn’t deny his pleasure in the obvious respect the kid held for Ketterdam’s most elusive spy. As if Cristof hadn’t already marked himself as Kaz’s new favorite grunt.

 

            “I understand you’re to be our spy, today?” Inej asked, despite that Kaz had given her the full run-down of his plan before heading up to await Cristof’s arrival from the Slat.

 

            Kaz knew Inej had also bargained with the Queen on his behalf, explained there was a matter he could not avoid. Inej had brokered for their meeting, along with Lily and Nina, to resume in under a bell- and within the far more secluded setting of his personal office. Kaz assumed the Wraith had convinced them to walk to the coffee house down the street, as he’d suggested, since none of them had managed to actually order breakfast in the restaurant this morning.

 

            “Yes, I think so?” Cristof cast a wary glance toward Kaz, eyeing the bundled starch linen apron in his gloved hands. Tossing the kitchen uniform toward Cristof, Kaz broke it down simply for the boy.

 

            Yes, he wanted a spider- but more so the kind that lurks silently and observantly in the musty corner that no one notices. No, Cristof needn’t hide his face. Yes, he did have to cover his tattoo under every circumstance. No, he was not to tell anyone- even other Dregs, that he was observing this breakfast, nor for whom the suli dining hall was under reserve for.  

 

            “When it’s all finished, do you want me to… write notes? I’m ‘fraid I never got much schooling, but I can manage the letters if you need me to, Boss. Might be some scratchy lookin’ marks but I reckon you’ll still be able to read ‘em.” Cristof asked cheerfully as he stepped from around the coat cupboard door Kaz had opened to provide privacy to change into the uniform whilst continuing their conversation.

 

            “Not unless it is absolutely vital to remember correctly, and you find you are unable to come brief me in the immediate aftermath.” Kaz rasped, glancing over the steadily growing headache that was the teetering missive stack at the corner of his desk. Roeder’s findings, Anika’s reports from his absence in Lij, a vigorous outline of Pim’s own notes for the Crow Club regarding recent liquor distributors watering down their product and the always present problems that the pigeons brought with them. Barrel business. Likely some personally handwritten threats. The usual correspondence Kaz tended to have.

 

            Still, a bolt of self-indulgent excitement littered Kaz’s examination of his to-do list. There was an entire month of profit numbers to run, at least a good few bells worth of meticulous calculation in the name of tallying his own wealth.

 

            Numbers, his dear and pragmatic friends. Easy to understand and always honest. He’d missed them so.

 

            “Go over with me what we’re looking for again.” Inej said now, hands absently plaiting the ends of her hair, chin subtly turned toward the great bay window beyond Kaz’s desk. Thunder clamored outside, bringing forth a harsher tempo of rain. Kaz suspected Inej’s mind was truly blocks away, hovering with the Wraith and her top crew members, those who were probably on deck right now, ensuring the vessel was locked down tight to weather the weekend storms. Even at port, Kaz knew Kerch’s monsoons had snapped more than one mast.

 

            Fifth harbor grew teeth in the wind, was known to gnaw at boats like bones to pick clean.

 

            “Right,” Cristof cleared his throat, held his hand up to number the list Inej had tailored for him based on her vast experience. Casing Merch estates and dropping in on conversations like the nosy ghost Kaz had asked her to become all those years ago had cultivated quite the repertoire of skills to pass on.

 

            “Jan Van Eck. Anything about Hellgate and the Warden. Ravka. Focus on Herin specifically cause he’s the top dog,” Cristof paused with a frown. “I mean he pretends to be, ain’t no one in the Barrel confused about Mister Wylan and Jesper- “

 

            “We know.” Kaz interrupted, sensing the boy’s danger of getting off topic. “What else?”

 

            “The Dregs and the Wraith, but also that other name…” Cristof flushed the color of ripe peaches when Inej’s eyes pinned him in place from her perch.

 

            Kaz, without thinking further, glanced at his cane that leaned beside him.

 

            “Kane! Kane De Vries. I got it!”

 

            Kaz ignored Inej’s disapproving look in his direction, instead opting to straighten the wrists of his gloves.

 

            “And what else regarding Kane?” Kaz pestered.

 

            “The Serpents’ Head. That thing miss Inej drew for me.” Cristof pointed to the scrap parchment on Kaz’s desk where Inej had sketched a rough approximation of Kane De Vries’ seal- the silver ouroboros.

 

            It still pissed Kaz off how entirely unclever it was- a sigil to mark a slaving ring that was so thinly veiled it might as well have stated the prices they sold human beings for.

 

            Furthermore, it infuriated Kaz that he’d not discovered the symbol and it’s meaning for himself- rather Nikolai Lantsov had when Inej had been abducted in Ravka and brought to Ketterdam for public execution. Pompous privateer prince- whom Kaz would be grateful for until the end of his crooked life.

 

            Kane De Vries was vain, and if Kaz had more time to pin down this opponent, he would have bet hard kruge that he could take the slaver down with that alone. Ultimately, that had been a decent portion of Jan’s downfall. Pekka’s. Would be, given time, Heleen Van Houden’s.

 

            Shame may eat men alive, but it was Pride that skewered them on polished silver forks.

           

 

            “Right, you best get down to the kitchens, go through the alley. Ashan will get you in and set you to work.” Kaz rasped, using his cane to push open the door to his office.

 

            Cristof nodded once, throat bobbing. Once the boy reached the threshold, Kaz tapped his cane to the ground, the sound intended to startle. The former stable master turned, nervous eyes clocking the boss of the Dregs.

 

            “No mourners, Cristof.”

 

            The child’s smile carved its way into a smirk, hooking itself in a way that was as familiar to Kaz as his own reflection- from nearly a decade ago.

 

            “No funerals, boss.”

           

            Inej waited until the boy’s steps had faded down the dark hallway to the landing before releasing a giggle.

 

            “My, how he admires you.”

 

            Kaz walked until he leaned beside her at his desk, “What’s not to admire, mera nadra? I’ve got it all.”

 

            “Including an extremely angry queen of a foreign nation in the lobby.” Inej arched a dark brow, absently twisting the belt of knives at her waist.

 

            A soft knock came to the door of Kaz’s office, where Lily Arbor stood. Anika’s irritated snarl followed the mortician, “I’m sorry. She insisted she be allowed up and slipped past me when I denied. How the hell did you do that?”

 

            Lily smiled at his lieutenant, all southern charm. “I apologize, I’m deaf and read your lips wrong.”

 

            Anika glared, “Yes, that’s why you ran up the bloody stairs.”

 

            Lily shrugged, hardly sheepish at all. Kaz didn’t know what inspired him to say it to Anika, doubtless the same bizarre instinct that had overtaken him when faced with Zoya Nazyalensky that morning, but the words tripped from his tongue, nonetheless. This time, though, Kaz altered the admission slightly. His trust in Anika was indeed greater than nearly anyone in the world, still, his instinct was to protect Lily. This way, perhaps, he still could. Seeing as the mortician had already managed to find her way into the cesspit of the Barrel.

 

            “Anika, my sister- Lily Brekker. Lily, this is Anika.” Kaz rumbled, feeling Inej’s subtle touch to his lower back as he stood. He could feel her support there, the understanding.

 

            Anika’s eyes were shimmering green coins, wide and surprised.

 

            “I- I don’t- I… all right, then.” Anika nodded, gaze never wavering from Kaz. Inej offered a nod beside him, a confirmation for the Dregs’ second-in-command. Anika, ever loyal, seemed to understand immediately. This knowledge was for her alone, Lily was also welcome in this room at any time.

 

            “A pleasure, Anika.” Lily demurred, red-painted lips dripping manner and charm born of a vastly different region of Kerch.

 

            Lily was here, alone, Kaz realized. Where was Zenik? The Queen?

 

            Inej caught up at the same moment, asking to accompany Anika out. Her eyes as she moved to leave told Kaz she was going to ensure the lieutenant understood the importance of this secret and also give Kaz the chance to speak plainly with the mortician.

 

            Kaz couldn’t wait to marry that woman. Even without the implied tax benefits, he’d do it. They just needed to make it there.

 

            Bricks. He just needed to move enough of them. One by one.

 

            Once Inej and Anika were gone, Kaz was left in the quiet of his office, standing opposite Lily Arbor. What would he have thought a year ago, planning his future in the bones of this office, if he’d known the sister he’d once had would be standing on the plush carpet, blue eyes veering between the dark wood paneling and his massive desk?

 

            “You’re quite important, I see.” Lily signed, mouth pinched in hidden jest.

 

            Kaz ran his hands through his hair, rounded the desk to collapse into his chair. Finally, he signed. “What are you doing here, Lily?”

 

            The mortician waved him off, one hand still clasped to the handle of a mahogany case of sorts, a great box that Kaz had noticed at the table in Shati En Malm Tarre.

 

            “Sightseeing.” Lily jibed, her heeled boots clicking as she stepped from the carpet to arrange herself in one of the chairs before his desk. “How could I come to Ketterdam and not relish in my connection to one of the most infamous Barrel bosses?”

 

            Kaz let his glare speak.

 

            Lily seemed to fold, hands lifting the heavy box she carried up onto the edge of his desk.

 

            “Before we resume snarling with her majesty, I thought I’d give you what I came here to bring.” Lily motioned to the box. Curiosity piqued, Kaz supposed there would be time to argue about her dalliance with Barrel life after their impending soiree with royalty.

 

            “What is it?” Kaz asked begrudgingly.

 

            Lily read his lips as he pulled the box toward him, blue eyes turned frigid as fjordic water in the light of the stormy morning.

 

            “A promise, I suppose. A gift.”

 

            Kaz touched the brass latches, snapped them open. He didn’t understand why the coin returned to his mind at this moment. A riotous calamity of anticipation and the belief in magic he’d once held warred in his gut. The onslaught was sudden and violent.

 

            Still, he opened the lid.

 

            A gleaming navy typewriter smattered in copper keys. The center gold plate, painstakingly monogrammed with the initials “J.J.R”. Kaz dragged his eyes up slowly, the motion a coarse bow on a stringed instrument.

 

            “Jordan Johannus Rietveld,” Kaz whispered.

 

            “A final gift, from me to him. Now, from him to you.” Lily signed.

 

            A frosted tongue of white paper sat in the rack, dotted with a single sentence of crisp ink typeset:

 

            “He’d be proud. I am too. -Lily.”

Notes:

Someone mentioned missing the chapter summaries I was doing in the comments last chap so I am bringing them back <3
SUMMARY:
Kaz: oof I hate the rain but ooof I hate the rich more
Chef: Eat them?
Kaz: ur right I haven't had breakfast
kid: can I have some?
Kaz: diamonds weren't enough?? fine. I shouldn't spoil you but I'll order a slice of the upper caste for the table
inej: lmao lmao lmao

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Chapter 176: Violent Currents

Summary:

Some tough conversations and additions to the crew make for an interesting day of planning for the next voyage of the Wraith.

Notes:

CHAPTER 176!!!

Hi hello my loves <3 I'm going to keep this short and sweet and just say I hope you love this new chapter- I am sorry it did take a couple of weeks there. Long story short: my new apartment had water leaks and my office is now completely closed off by plastic (along with half of the rest of the apt) and I'm without a laptop for now. Life is hard but I really wanted to get this up for you so I'm using my partner's laptop. (everyone say thank you to MR.ravenyenn19 <3)

I do hope you love this- things are heating up in the plot spectrum!! Anyways, I know this isn't entirely exciting but it was scenes that I really thought needed to happen so I hope y'all can appreciate that too <3

Thank you as always for being patient and for being the best readers a girl could ever ask for. You really are the greatest.

"You Found Me" cover by Logan Michael (It's more the vibe for the beginning rather than the lyrics but I also do find it very fitting for the very end of the first POV (you'll get me i think.)

NINA

 

            Fat rain drops fell from a sky that resembled an inkwell- treacherously dark and ready to spill over.

 

            “I am curious about this mortician,” Zoya said finally as the two walked down the cobbled street, both tucked under Nina’s little red umbrella. The former heartrender was not so untrained as to allow her wince to show- not to Zoya Nazyalensky. Commander, general, Queen Zoya Nazyalensky.

 

            It was odd, Nina thought, how the two of them had undergone such intricate yet opposite metamorphosis’ since those late autumn afternoons spent dancing around one another in the training yard of the Little Palace. She could still feel the gauzy sun bleaching the smooth stone floor, see it sparking off each drop of fallen sweat. Nina, half-certain the older, decorated grisha wished to be anywhere in the world but teaching a bunch of green schoolchildren how to throw a punch without shattering their thumbs in the process, had been grossly intimidated. She remembered the thick herbal aromas of basil and thyme, wafting from the hangers where the kitchens would pluck the leaves fresh. The scent could conjure the sting of her purpling ego- every time Zoya knocked her off her feet, no matter how gentle.

 

            Now… now, everything was different. Zoya had burst from her cocoon of change as a thing electrified. Someone regal, confident in her new wings and the flight ahead that would guide Ravka forward.

 

            Nina Zenik, in contrast, had crawled from beneath the black lace of a funeral shroud. She, too, was touched by change. No longer was she quite so fearless, nor so reckless. She had met death and found it opportunistic and sly, so she too had mastered these traits. Her wings, though tattered, flew better than ever before.

 

            No longer was she the heartrender linguist, a simple but valued cog in the second army. Still a soldier, Nina thought. But was she? What was a soldier to an army if it could not, would not, return home for new assignments?

 

            Nina shook the thought away, gripping the curved handle of the umbrella just a little tighter.

 

            “Lily’s talent in incredible,” Nina replied. It seemed the safest thing to say, the truest. Zoya’s eyes glittered in the gloomy morning, slanting once at Nina before focusing ahead. Their shoes clapped through puddles, marching back toward the High-Wire after an awkward, near silent breakfast with Lily Arbor. Lily Arbor, who had rushed off with only whispered excuses and a promise to rejoin them in Kaz’s office- all this despite Nina’s pleas not to walk the Barrel alone, even if it was only a couple of blocks in Dregs’ territory.

 

            “Did you know Brekker had a sister?”

 

            Nina wished she could swallow her tongue- it would make a fine excuse to end this conversation if she were dangerously asphyxiated.

 

            “No, not until recently.” Nina muttered, adjusting her coat collar against the misty breeze on the back of her neck. “Only met her a few days ago.”

 

            Zoya offered a hum- this noise familiar. It was a sound meant to say, ‘go on’. Not a question but a non-verbal order.

 

            “I learned of her abilities this morning, same as you. I didn’t understand her part in this until she demonstrated. I hardly know her.” Nina answered numbly, her mind sliding backwards through the hours, to the night prior. The rancor scent that laid thick in the muddy Van Eck gardens, Lily Arbor’s wine-red hair that dripped like morning dew as she’d run after Trassel, red and yellow tulips surrounding the scene like an omen- a gift. Nina’s fingers touched her wrist absently, remembering how only a bell ago she’d seen her own bones revealed, barren of life and shell white. Lily had done that. She’d done the extraordinary. Something so macabre. So beautiful.

 

            Nina felt a flutter in her chest, a wily whim she had to tame lest she find herself toppling, falling- into places she had no business visiting.

 

            She had not lied to Zoya. She’d not known of Lily’s death-laced veins, but it felt like an omission all the same. Nina did know of the mortician’s heart- almost intimately, despite how recent their acquaintance. It was a familiarity of shared troubles, burdens and losses. Nina knew, at the least, Dr. Arbor possessed a heart so skilled in love that it hadn’t been a question to follow the lost brother of her youth into circumstance that could cost life or freedom. Both, if given the time.

 

            “But is she trustworthy, in your limited opinion?” Zoya probed, eyes clearly trained on the bricks of the High-Wire that laid only a few moments away, now. The queen stopped when Nina’s words did not form quickly. The rain pebbled the red shell of the parasol Nina clutched in one hand. The other balled into a fist in her coat pocket, a piece of lint sliding beneath her fingernail.

 

            Pinned beneath a storm above and the piercing strike of Zoya’s eyes, Nina Zenik felt like a child once more. The girl she’d been in that training yard- so desperate to please despite her outward displays of zealous confidence. Once, this General, this Queen, had been the center of Nina’s entire world. She remembered being chosen to accompany Zoya to Fjerda all those seasons ago. How it had felt like a gift plucked from the sun-veined palms of Saints, this chance to prove herself.

 

            And it had been a gift. Not for any of the reasons the teenage heartrender had thought- but for so much more. All of it had led Nina to him.

 

            Matthias. Her star-crossed love who carried oaths on his heart and frost in his eyes.

 

            A gift, every terrifying moment she’d spent in love with him.

 

            Nina didn’t wish to disrespect Zoya by lying. Truth it was, then.

 

            “I dare say I don’t know her well enough to claim one way or another,” Nina replied carefully, chewing on her lip. “But I would go so far as to vouch her loyalty to Kaz. I’ve seen that proved, at least.” Nina prayed Zoya would not ask for elaboration.

 

            Zoya’s expression was unreadable, stoic even, as she glanced around them. Satisfied in their solitude, the queen loosed a deep sigh. Nina wasn’t sure if she imagined the exhaustion beneath the noise, but something was there. Something real, unpolished. Something that didn’t belong to the royal facade or even the decorated veteran.

 

            “I need Brekker to do this. Nikolai couldn’t get us into this prison, no matter how brilliant he is. He tried. I need Inej to sail us there because if I know anything- it’s to trust Nikolai’s judgement in a sailor. We could not both vacate the capital for so long, so he chose her.”

 

            Nina nodded slowly, unsure if this was a confession or a simple list of facts. Zoya’s words were clear enough, but their meaning remained clouded. It was unusual for the suli woman to speak so… stunted.

 

            “What I have never been able to understand was who Brekker’s loyalty is to. Greed, yes. Kerch and their coins.” Zoya shook her head, gaze swerving toward the flicker of golden streetlamps buzzing to life across the road. It was mid-morning, yet dusk seemed to have fallen over Ketterdam. The city had pulled a dark blanket to its chin and petulantly refused to begin the day.

 

            “But if it comes down to it, would Kaz Brekker and all his brilliance come to the aid of Ravka in the face of a potential world war? Would he use his connections to sway the Merchant Council into providing funds? Kerch is the wealthiest country in the world and ours the poorest. But we have what Kerch does not- the military. Should Inej Ghafa fall at sea, would Kaz Brekker lift a finger more for the world? For the country of his Wraith and her people?”

 

            Nina swallowed. There was distrust in Zoya’s words, obvious as the rain above them. It was not unwarranted- it was not as if Dirtyhands’ was infamous for his kindness- his grace or mercy. He was memorialized in this lifetime for the opposite.

 

            Ruthlessness.

 

            Something about the word rang false to Nina, now. It was not as if Kaz was not befitting of the statement, but rather that the word had shrunk in comparison to the personage of the man.

 

            The face Kaz had worn the night before, seeing his brother’s sketch tattooed upon Lily’s shoulder. His laughter with Jesper, clutching bourbon with an undone tie. A gem stolen simply because it was the only one to encompass the love of his life. Nina’s first night back in Ketterdam, after the attempted hanging of Captain Ghafa, she’d witnessed a kiss meant for fairy fables.

 

             It was a tender recollection, the image of Brekker’s bare hands tangled so gently into the hair at the back of Inej’s head- like he might hold her to him but leave her wild all at once.

 

            The way his eyes had softened when Nina handed him a box of anise cookies, because she knew him well enough to select the flavor.

 

            All of these images flashed in Nina’s mind.

 

            Ruthless. Yes, Kaz could be. He could also be more loyal than perhaps anyone Nina had ever met.

 

            It had taken so many years to see it, but Nina now understood. Kaz Brekker’s word was a currency that couldn’t be cheated or gambled or forged. If he gave it, it would be followed through.

 

            “He gave you his word to help plan this voyage,” Nina said after what could have been seconds or minutes. “Kaz Brekker keeps his word.”

 

            Zoya’s chin dipped. “I don’t doubt he’s held up his end of the bargain. I wouldn’t have been patient this morning if I wasn’t confident of that. It is what I fear comes after. If anything goes awry- or even if it doesn’t. The crown needs unfaltering allies in this city. Wars need to be financed. Kerch will be unable to play spectator to this fight if Shu Han reigns war on Ravka.”

 

            Nina could read between the lines. Zoya wanted to know if Kaz would make another agreement- one of loyalty to Ravka. Regardless of Inej’s success or survival.

 

            The words spilled without thought from Nina’s mouth, careless in their honesty. “Is it not unfair to ask for a promise to a country that is not his own?”

 

            Zoya’s eyes slanted to Nina’s face, dragged over her profile so carefully that she could feel phantom fingers there. Gut broiling and cheeks hot, Nina finally returned the gaze.

 

            The rain continued to patter the umbrella as Queen assessed subject. Zoya tucked a thick spiral of onyx hair behind her ear.

 

            “And you, Nina Zenik? Do you know which country is yours anymore?” The words, while blunt, were not cold.

 

            Nina opened her mouth to answer, only to realize ‘Ravka’ was lodged in her throat, unwilling to budge so easily. It wouldn’t reveal itself. Her teeth clicked with the force of her jaw raising.

 

            “You are loyal to Ravka, I know.” Zoya offered a small smile, kinder than Nina ever remembered seeing. “But that is not so simple anymore.”

 

            Nina could not manage to apologize nor confirm this shattering statement- this thought the soldier within had avoided for so long.

 

            She felt the simmering heat of tears in her eyes, clouding over the view she snatched at in pieces- seeking comfort. 

 

            The violent chop of the canal water in the storm winds. The crooked black skyline. The uneven cobblestone beneath her feet and the briny smell of fifth harbor that lingered no matter how far one delved into the shadowed alleys of this city.

 

            The Van Eck living room and the roaring hearth. The Crow Club and the shouts of the Dregs manning the doors. The waffle diner and the little table in the corner where Nina had made a friend in Inej Ghafa all those years ago. Night after night of strawberry laughter and the sugared secrets shared between all young girls.

 

            It kindled such fierce love in Nina’s chest, this coal-stained metropolis. Ketterdam.

 

            “Once, my country was my family.” Nina confessed on a whisper.

 

            “It is not difficult when one’s country holds their family,” Zoya muttered, “what is good for one is good for both by geographical default. When the two differ… you must make a choice, in the end. We all must.”

 

            “Family or Country.” Nina uttered, feeling the sting of salt on her cheeks as tears finally spilled over. 

 

            “It is the truth of war. I hope it does not come to that.” Zoya answered, voice gentled in her own sort of way. Nina’s old mentor strode from the protective cover of the umbrella and into the sharpening rain. The queen kept walking, but Nina knew it was a kindness that Zoya was paying her- not an abandonment. It was an offering of privacy. An elimination of royal influence so as to allow this harsh moment to shrink back into something humble. Something human.

 

            Nina wiped her cheeks and thought of another soldier- and how he’d died in her arms, the bullet of his countrymen lodged in his loyal heart.

 

 

INEJ

 

            “This is the route I’ve charted.” Inej leaned over the grand oak table in Kaz’s office, big enough to seat all of them comfortably. The world map was unrolled in the center, held flat in the corners by crystal high-ball tumblers engraved with the crow and cup emblem of the Dregs. Candlelight flickered through the polished glass, spotlighting Inej’s finger that followed the charcoal marks drawn through the sea between Kerch’s coast and the island that hovered off the coast of Shu Han- their deadly destination.

 

            Zoya’s eyes followed Inej’s movement, observing the gentle sways and lulls in the route. “Why are there such curves in the path? Seems you could cut the time down by sailing in a straightforward manner. We are pressed enough for time already because of this Saints’ damned Kerch weather.”

 

            Inej could understand the presumption but shook her head immediately. This course had taken Inej countless bells to plan beside Kaz in Lij; meticulously charting and measuring over and over until her estimates left as little margin for error as possible. Their efforts had gotten the journey trimmed down as much as Inej could possibly manage without risking all of their lives and failure of the job. She’d even brought her charter plan to Specht the day before to triple check her cartography- her first mate had been her mentor in all things nautical after all.

 

            “I’ve done it this way for a couple of reasons,” Inej answered, reaching into her satchel on the ground beside her, shuffling through the scrolls until she found the proper one to demonstrate her reasoning.

 

            Kaz took the new scroll from Inej without prompting, unfurling it over the top of the world map and adjusting their makeshift paperweights. Nina leaned forward in her chair beside Zoya, taking in the new scroll- entirely unrecognizable from the prior unless one knew what they were looking at.

 

            Inej looked down when the tip of a sharpened charcoal pencil tickled her wrist, presented by Kaz’s black-clad fingertips. He’d, of course, produced it from seemingly nowhere. Affection fizzled in Inej’s chest as she took the offering and his eye shot her a lightning-strike wink.

 

            “I’ve seen Nik with one of these,” the Queen hummed, gaze roaming the parchment.

 

            “This is a thematic chart. It shows the currents and gyres rather than geographical land. This is the most accepted version, certainly the most filled in, but all the navies have a slightly differing edition. No sailor that I know has ever sailed all of it- so we have varying reports,” Inej paused, leaning to mark an ‘x’ for the general location of fifth harbor to aid in the display.

 

            Lily and Nina looked decidedly earnest if a bit confused, Inej saw Kaz translate into sign for Lily occasionally. Zoya, however, was ever sharp and clearly following quite easily. Inej suppressed a chuckle- her own king and husband was the most infamous pirate of the century despite having less than thirty years of life notched on his belt.

 

             Absurdly, Inej wondered if she might outdo the Ravkan king’s legacy. She thought that might be a fine accomplishment.

 

            “I’ve sailed the main thoroughfares that any navy man or trader must be familiar with. The Isle straight, for instance, is the fastest trading route and one of the safest between Fjerda and the Wandering Isle. The Dowma, Zemeni for ‘storm circle’, is a gyre current to be avoided at all costs lest you find your belly on the reef and your ship cracked in half.” Inej hummed, pointing to each oceanic pattern on the chart. “I’ve navigated voyages from Kerch to Novyi Zem, Ravka, and Fjerda. I’ve chased slavers into the tides bordering the Isle. And Shu Han… however, only the northern and centric ports. Never the Pearl coast. Many avoid it. It’s obvious why Kane chose an island in those waters.”

 

            The use of his name, Kane De Vries, curdled Inej’s stomach. This enemy of hers, this slaving puppeteer who conspired with Shu Han’s greedy prime minister by the cover of shadow. Leader of the Serpent’s Head slaving ring, the monster in the dark for Saints’ knew how many innocents. Stealer of Ravka’s grisha generals and mutilator of corpses for the sake of taunt.  

 

            “Nikolai seems to think you can manage it.” Zoya flicked her wrist, the polished silver of the buttons on her sleeve twinkling. A rolling boom of thunder crashed outside the window across the room, lightning illuminating the wingback of Kaz’s empty desk chair like a phantom.

 

            “I can,” Inej replied evenly, ushering as much confidence as she could into her voice. Specht would be there, Inej soothed herself. She would not be the only experienced sailor. Even Zoya knew how to sail, if not well by her own admission. “And while you can bloat our sails and cut the time down further, we have to make these course adjustments to avoid getting caught in any of the Jade-gyres.”

 

            Preluding the Pearl coast of southern Shu-Han, three menacing circle currents, or gyres, spun the open sea into a violent chop. This would be Captain Ghafa’s first trial on the voyage- sailing the Wraith between these currents with perfect use of compass, map and sextant. Her angles would need to be precise.

 

            “Then?” Zoya reclined in her seat.

 

            “Then we carve our way through the reefs, staying in the deepest water we can manage, until we spit out in the shadow of the Shi-ti archipelago. We hang around the rock formations at a slow pace, steering far out,” Inej used the pencil as an approximation of the Wraith in the water, sliding the wood across the map.

 

            “Then, we drop anchor here.” Inej slid the thematic map off the table, revealing the world map once more and aligning her pencil boat at her desired anchor point.

 

            “Tornai Shimi is here, I thought?” Nina piped up, gesturing to the scratch of an island that seemed to have sheered itself off from the archipelago, standing solitary in the surrounding seastacks jutting from the rough water.

 

            “It is.” Kaz confirmed, “But the Wraith is the only ship you have to escape with as a guarantee, and you don’t want the lookouts from the island to spot it before you’re ready.”

 

            “Before we’re ready? Pardon? The ship cannot be spotted at all- I assumed we’d be stowing away on skiffs and approaching by way of stealth to invade.” Zoya countered, one black brow raised.

 

            Kaz smirked. Inej rubbed the side of her jaw tiredly- she knew he loved to rile the Queen. Saints’ save her- Inej would not deny her avri this small pleasure.

 

            Kaz was already enduring silently- trying to hide his anxiety from her even in private. But Inej knew him too well, had glimpsed him looking at her almost stricken- when he’d not meant to be caught. She’d seen Kaz shed similar glances toward Lily. Nina.

 

            Kaz Brekker was not accustomed to a hands-off approach regarding any job he’d planned. The conclusions drew themselves for Inej.

 

            A thief, a conman, and a trickster all relied on schemes- yet improvisation was the secret art of any illusionist. This was, perhaps, Kaz Brekker’s true mastery.

 

            Kaz would not be there to improvise in the bowels of this hellish island. He could not manipulate the plan if it went wrong. It would be up to Inej, to Zoya. To the entire crew of the Wraith.

 

            “Actually, the Wraith will be sailing into the island’s private harbor through the front- by way of invitation.” Kaz rasped, expression intentionally bored.

 

            “This is what we’re paying you for?” Zoya growled, pushing her shoulders back, her body held rigid. Kaz reclined in his chair in response- the portrait of lazy.

 

            “Yes, though I did give Nikolai a discount.” Kaz shrugged, smoothing a wrinkle from his midnight blazer.

 

            Inej caught Nina’s eye across the table, watched the other girl’s lips twitch in amusement despite the worry in her eyes. It was an understandable dichotomy. Lily remained silent, eyes swerving to translate the conversation on lips as it unfolded.

 

            “You are abysmal.” Zoya huffed. “How am I sitting here?”

 

            “Because he’s brilliant and your country needs him.” Inej inserted without thinking.

 

            Zoya’s gaze flashed to Inej- accompanied by what seemed to be a genuine snort of amusement.

 

            “We have the same unfortunate taste, Captain Ghafa.”

 

            Inej pursed her lips, holding back the bark of laughter in her throat. “You mean arrogant white men who dress prettily enough to catch our eyes and preen their intellect just often enough to keep them?”

 

            Zoya’s laughter was smooth, cool water over river stones. Inej didn’t think she’d ever heard it before, but she felt warm pride wrap her spirit. All the best laughs require work. Papa had told her that, once.

 

            “Yes, that.” The queen smiled. It was not quite warm, Inej did not think the word befitting this force that was Zoya, but it was kind. A comradery.

 

            “Was I just objectified?” Kaz asked Nina- who could not respond due to the force of her laughing fit. Even Lily was smirking at Kaz, her red lips just a bit crooked. It was an expression that could convince anyone of her blood relation to Kaz if they didn’t know better.

 

            “You’ll survive it,” Inej glanced at Kaz. “Now, please explain what you meant before Zoya ends you and I’m left as the leader of the Dregs.”

 

            “I may love you, Inej, but you can’t run a gambling hall to save your life- Anika is in charge if I kick my bucket.”

 

            “This is not so different from court proceedings with Nikolai, after all.” Zoya mumbled.

 

            “I suppose I should start by saying this plan will require you to die.” Kaz rasped.

 

            Inej watched static begin to ripple across Zoya’s luscious hair. A snarky comment seemed ready to fall off Nina’s lips, Kaz remained unfazed and coy.

 

            She could not have accounted for Lily’s contribution to the ever-maddening situation.

 

            “Forgive him- he means mostly dead.” Lily stated, tucking a red curl back into the bun on her head. “I hardly ever murder.”

 

            Zoya, seemingly out of anger for the moment, laughed for the second time that morning. “Comforting, Mortician.”

 

            Lily smirked in response.

 

            The queen seemed to be the only one in the room entirely unsurprised by the knock on Kaz’s office door.

 

            Anika peeked in, clearly avoiding Kaz’s glare. “I apologize, but this man insisted he was supposed to partake in this meeting. I wouldn’t have believed him if he hadn’t shown me the Ravkan wax seal on a missive from the squaller.”

 

            “Queen,” Zoya corrected under her breath. “Let him in.”

 

            “Who?” Kaz barked.

 

            Inej could only smile when a familiar face entered the room, the door closing softly behind him.

 

            “Captain Ghafa,” The young man greeted in accented Kerch, “I do hope you can find room for an inferni aboard your ship.”

 

            “Kuwei Yul-Bo.” Inej beamed.

Notes:

Chapter Summary :
zoya: we should have gone to the local pound if we wanted matching charity cases
Inej: ya honestly idk how we managed this
*kaz and nikolai arguing over who has the broodier life story in the background*

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Chapter 177: Thunder Against The Glass

Summary:

Revelations amongst the world leaders and new arrivals brew a storm in Ketterdam under the threat of a very real hurricane approaching fifth harbor.

Notes:

CHAPTER 177!!!!

Hello all <3 As seems to be the usual for me the past year or so, I'm sorry this took awhile to get up. Truth is, life just has not stopped being hard- and I'm sure I'm not the only one. So, if no one has told you today, you're doing great. I believe in you. It's okay to rest and take a lil break or a walk or a nap or a have a snack. Take care of yourselves, dear readers. I'm trying to take the same advice and not twist myself into a puddle over the fact that I've not been able to keep up the pace I would like with my writing. I struggle immensely with this when I've always been told I'm a "fast writer" and I prided myself on it. BUT. It's okay.

Point: I hope you enjoy this chapter despite the wait <3 (I actually intended to upload when I posted on tiktok a couple days ago but using only mobile hotspot as internet proved to be unreliable when they are laying new lines for fiber internet in my neighborhood)

Anyways, thank you as always my lovely friends and I cannot wait to get back into the swing of things in the next few weeks as I am moving AGAIN after serious problems with my apartment. (see: life is haRd)

Happy Reading <3 I know the past few have been a bit dense, but when you spend eight manuscripts worth of material weaving a plot... these tie in chapters become necessary <3

"Light of The Seven: Epic Version" by Alala (cover). This one is specifically for the end- almost the "credits" of this chapter ;) GUYS. LISTEN. WE'RE GETTING THERE. TO THE BIG BIG ACTION. PLEASE STICK WITH ME I PROMISE IT WILL BE WORTH IT <33

KAZ

 

            “The papers said he was shot and killed at an indenture auction, that Shu boy a couple years ago. Wasn’t that his name? Kuwei Yul Bo?” Lily stretched toward Kaz, whispering. Her pale fingers moved simultaneously, his eyes following the words easily. The realization brought a twinge of pleasure to Kaz’s mood- he was slowly but surely regaining his skill in signs after a decade separated from the elegant language. “Were the journalists lying or is he lying?”

 

            Kaz wanted to laugh. Wanted to finally, finally, get the chance to gloat about his own genius and his team’s talents that allowed them to penetrate the Ice Court and live.

 

            “He is Kuwei Yul Bo, and he is alive. This cannot be known outside this room. You are now one of the few- and sworn to secrecy.” Zoya paused, watching as Kaz translated for Lily. He didn’t alter the Queen’s words, though he felt the scowl that carved his cheeks.  

 

            “I do not speak lightly when I say many would kill to find this man alive- and they’ll kill you to get to him. This is Ravkan intelligence and known to only Kaz Brekker and the team that secured his life. Kerch government knows nothing- do you understand?” Zoya concluded, sapphire eyes sharpened on Lily’s profile.

 

            Kaz watched Lily’s eyes squint at the words he signed, her teeth noticeably grinding. Kaz heard Nina’s squeal in the background, glimpsed Kuwei’s gleeful smile as he was compressed between the petite Inej on one side and the taller Nina on the other. Kuwei towered above them both now- so different from the flaming boy they’d once met in Fjerda.

 

            Of course, Kaz and Inej had gotten the chance to visit with Kuwei briefly in Os Kervo last winter- when they’d ventured to Ravka to spend time with the Ghafa’s and the suli caravans that made up the elusive and nomadic Aska Vasman.

 

            Still, Kaz found himself surprised by the inferni’s return to Ketterdam. Gladdened by it, even. Kuwei offered him a broad grin over the top of the girls’ heads, his arms holding them both close.

 

            If the seventeen-year-old Kaz Brekker could have witnessed this scene- Inej and Nina being embraced by the target of his life-changing job, he would have screamed in contrition. It was absurd, really, how these years had played out. That boy would have been at a loss, enraged by his miscalculations as he looked at the cards on the table- for once rendered a common gambling man. Worse, one that was completely unaware of the winning streak that laid ahead of him.

 

            “I understand.” Lily’s voice struck the room, clear and strong as the rusted cathedral bells hung in Ghezen’s great Chapel. Zoya looked surprised by Lily’s quick assent to a global secrecy pact.

 

            “Though I doubt anyone could get close enough to kill me. They would have one chance to strike true… and best it’s done from a distance.” Lily added, absently flicking the curled corner of the map that laid momentarily abandoned on the table.

 

            Ah, there it is, Kaz thought. 

 

            Wait, what did Lily mean, exactly?

           

            “Pardon, Moya Tsarita.” Kuwei said now, negating the chance for Zoya and Lily to spar once more. Finally released by both Captain and Corpse Witch, the inferni bowed low at the waist, spine plank straight. “I came the moment I saw your missive under my door, though I confess I overslept after so many nights kept awake on our voyage from Os Kervo. I hope I did not keep everyone waiting.”

 

            “Not at all, Yul Bo.” Zoya waved him off, crossing one leg over the other. The Queen’s knee-high boots sparkled in the sconces warm glow- as pristinely polished as any soldier’s uniform would be. “There is no need for introductions, obviously. Captain Ghafa was just explaining our intended route to the Pearl Coast.”

 

            Kuwei’s black brows pushed together, a line forming between them. Kaz wondered how the man must feel, stranded between his ancestral Shu Han and his current loyalty to Ravka. Two vastly different nations, baring their teeth and preparing for a war that seemed more inevitable by the moment should Inej and Zoya’s mission fail.

 

            Scrutinizing the young grisha from across the dim room, Kaz couldn’t help but notice crescents under his eyes. Heavily shaded in the color of poor sleep and pressed deep into the man’s amber skin. There was something infinitely older about Kuwei Yul Bo, now. Even from the last time he and Inej had seen him in the warmth of a Ravkan dock diner.

 

            This was a soldier, now. No longer a student of the small science nor the victim, looming under the flames of grief the loss of his father sparked. This was not the son of a chemist shivering in a cold Fjerdan keep and desperately clinging to survival.

 

            “What are you doing here, Kuwei?” Kaz rasped, lips pressed in the ghost of a smirk. “Not that I don’t enjoy visits with my Mark’s of old.”

 

            Kaz ignored Inej’s look of disapproval as she and Nina settled back at the table, the latter pulling out a chair for Kuwei as she went.

 

            Kuwei’s mouth opened, but the Ravkan Queen replied first.

 

            “I figured, Mr. Brekker, that you might… find a measure of confidence, I suppose, in the outcome of your planned infiltration if Mr. Yul Bo were to join us. What with the knowledge that one of my appointed companions was someone whose capabilities you have personally tested.”

 

            Kaz assessed the Queen silently, watched Kuwei lower himself into the empty chair. The inferni’s golden eyes flitted from Kaz’s mahogany desk and back to the crystal tumblers holding down the map- clearly focusing on the intricately etched crow and cup.

 

            Thunder rumbled through the room and against the delicate glass. The shadows beneath looked like phantom crows shaking their wings, preparing to fly right off Inej’s map.

 

            Zoya, Kaz could admit, was correct. Kuwei had proved himself resourceful, intelligent and as competent as any of his Crows. Not many fifteen-year-olds could maintain their breathing despite knowing a bullet was coming for their gut on a stage in front of hundreds.

 

            Even back then, Kaz remembered being a bit impressed. True, he and Kuwei had next to nothing in common… except the loss of a father. Of a life and home that was warm and familiar. Kaz didn’t think, if faced with it, he would have been able to handle the auction business with as much bravery as Kuwei Yul Bo had. Certainly not when he’d been freshly reeling off the loss of his Da, his brother.

 

            “Kaz.” Kuwei cleared his throat, jolting Kaz into meeting his eyes. Another crack of thunder, the brief halo of lightning filled the room.

 

            “We both know you are pleased I’m here. Let me help. Let me fight.”

 

            “Your Kerch has gotten better.” Kaz replied, resting both elbows on the table and steepling his fingers. He gazed into the flickering sconce on the maroon wall beyond, at the whispering flame encased in curved glass.

 

            “It has!” Nina piped up, grinning at Kuwei. “I was just thinking the same thing!”

 

            “Captain Ghafa and I exchange letters in Kerch, sometimes.” Kuwei’s cheeks flushed a burnt orange, a sheepish smile climbing to his lips.

 

            “I knew reading it would help!” Inej beamed, “It’s what helped me when I first had to learn Kerch. If I couldn’t read it properly, half of my pronunciation went out the window.”

 

            “It’s been a great help, my friend.” Kuwei tipped his head, laid his hand on Inej’s for a brief moment. “I’m halfway to what the students call ‘Zenik status’.”

 

            Nina yipped, flushing. “They do not!”

 

            “They do.” Zoya inserted. “You are the most accomplished linguist the second army has ever trained. Don’t diminish that.”

 

            Kaz barely registered the ripples and flows of the conversation, too focused on the rapid-fire succession of thoughts that Kuwei’s arrival inspired.

 

            He did, however unfortunately, see Lily’s eyes appraise Nina’s rare modesty, her eyes just a bit starry. Ghezen’s greed, that was all he needed.

 

            Bourbon beckoned from the corner bar cart despite the relatively early bell. Kaz rose and limped to his desk instead. His knee screamed in protest, cursing the weather and throbbing. Rain. Rain always irritated his leg. Good thing he lived in the rainiest city in the known world.

 

            Kaz opened the slender middle drawer of the desk with a flick of a finger. The hook and eye mechanism behind a false panel of wood gave a soft click. Even a skilled thief grew tired of picking the same lock every time he needed more ink for his pen to complete copious amounts of paperwork.

 

            Vaguely, Kaz realized Inej had taken charge of the room once more. Standing over the table with a pencil tucked behind her ear, she commanded the attention as if she were fifty-feet tall. Talking Kuwei through her voyage map, catching him up on what he’d missed and strutting her nautical skill. Kaz drug his gaze away.

 

            Eyes lingered on Kaz’s back. He felt them, burning into his blazer and straight through to the satin vest he donned beneath. Glancing over his shoulder, he caught Lily’s eye.

 

            Her signing was subtle, just out of notice from the others, “You didn’t introduce me to Kuwei. Is he not trustworthy?”

 

            She was learning, his adopted sister of the backwoods. Her observation pleased him. To know Lily valued his consideration, kept her wits about her so obviously… it was a relief. Considering he’d not very much wanted the mortician to leave the safety promised by the Van Eck mansion whilst she was in the city, and she’d immediately done so… he was glad she possessed that instinct.

 

            Admittedly, he should have known better than to expect Lily Arbor to follow any arbitrary rule set by himself or any other man. Loving Inej had taught him that lesson. In this way, the two women were very plainly alike.

 

            All the women in his life were alike in this way. Lucky for him.

 

            Kaz Brekker had always preferred challenging things. An image of Inej’s resolute face flashed in his mind. Slightly younger with midnight hair slipping from her braid, her brow dotted with a bit of dirt. A memory he could pinpoint immediately.

 

            “I don’t work with nets.”

 

            Maybe that moment in a musty crypt had marked the end of his denial, in a way. Kaz remembered his very real anger with his spy. White hot and blistering beneath his sternum. How could she, he’d raged internally, after everything!

 

            Yet, he recalled the covetous way his eyes had drunk her in. In the dusty light, her braid coming undone. Perhaps there had been a part of him, however fragile, that had really been asking something else. A question coated in thinnest hopes:

 

            ‘How could she, before everything?’

 

            Kaz paused, eyes flicking to the others. Zoya and Inej were questioning Kuwei on if he had any advice regarding traversal along the Pearl coast. Nina, too, remained thoroughly engaged.

 

            “He’s one I trust nearly as much as Jesper and Wylan. Nina and Inej. I will introduce you. Give me time.” Kaz signed to Lily, this time his sentences rendered rudimentary by his unfocused fingers. He couldn’t lose his thoughts.

 

            From inside the desk, Kaz produced the dossier of documents he’d spent the past weeks pouring over. The leather folder was creased, heavy with a veritable novel worth of plans to break into a prison. Ah. If only Ivin, Kaz’s cell guard at fourteen, could see him now. He flipped through the blueprints of the keep, built straight into the stone of Tornai Shimi. Nikolai’s notes were now faded and creased in the margins under Kaz’s repeated examinations. He paused on the heavily annotated list of guard and scout rotations reported on the island. This list had been provided to the crown by the single escaping grisha spy- the only soldier that had made it back to Ravka after finding themselves apprehended on the dreaded isle.

 

            Something was here. Something overlooked.

 

            Kaz had read these pages hundreds, if not thousands, of times in Lij beside Inej. Then, Emilia. He folded the documents over until he found his own notes, a scratchy mess of blank ink that covered the front and back of multiple pages. He was lucky Inej could read his penmanship so well after her years as his spider or none of this would matter.

 

            Kaz sat down in the velvet wingback, granting his sorry limb a reprieve. Kaz blinked, once. Twice. The thoughts raced ahead of him- one of the reasons he preferred to run jobs himself.

 

            Writing took too long when his mind was triple the speed of a pen and twice as reliable. It had been excruciating to write these plans for Inej and Zoya. A veritable minefield it was- ensuring he didn’t leave a single strand of this thoughts out, wrote every single idea down in the scenario that improvisation became prudent, or worse, unavoidable.

 

            Finding the page he desired, Kaz placed his own scratchy notes on the desktop, right beside the intelligence gleaned from the surviving Ravkan spy. His leather-clad finger hovered on a line of his own script that had been emboldened by too much ink, circled and then crossed out as irrelevant.

 

            How had he not realized it? How had he missed it? Kaz folded his arms across his chest, leaned back in his chair. He waited, shark eyes assessing the room and waiting to snap his moment.

 

            The Ravkan crown was no match for Dirtyhands. Hadn’t they heard the rumors? He couldn’t be tricked. Even the devil himself was forced to provide a written contract for Kaz Brekker’s soul- and amend it whenever the bastard of the Barrel saw fit.

 

 

INEJ

 

            “We’ll be sailing through the aftershocks of the tropical storms, but if we time it right, we’ll make good time and have that post-wind glass beneath us for a good portion of the journey.” Inej concluded, gaze latching on to each other set of eyes at the table. For a moment, all was silent save for the lashing rain against the sturdy windowpanes behind Kaz’s desk.

 

            Kaz. Inej realized he’d removed himself from the table, exiled to his own shadowy chair. It was a comfortable thing, despite it’s villainous sort of presence. Kaz looked a dark king upon a throne, the wings slicing harsh shadow lines across his lunar cheeks, his black hair falling into blacker eyes that seemed to observe everything yet nothing at all. His jaw was set, gloved hands resting on sternly crossed arms. 

 

            Inej wondered if the moon ever appeared as the villain in the stories told by the sun.

 

            Slowly, the others seemed to notice Kaz’s eerie silence, too. Eyes trailed across the lush carpeting and over the massive dark desk.

 

            “What was it you all called that face?” Kuwei mumbled.

 

            “Scheming face.” Inej and Nina replied in unison. Nina glanced from Kaz to Inej, eyes brimming with questions. Inej, too, realized this was not the typical variant of Kaz’s scheming expression. This was something murkier. Stormier.

 

            “When was I going to be informed that it was you, Kuwei, who escaped Tornai Shimi?” Kaz rasped, his voice lilting despite the gravel.

 

            It was the luring sweetness of a predator. The kindly tone of the witch in the wood who promised stray children pockets full of pastries if they’d only venture a little closer to the trees.

 

            Hair raised on the back of Inej’s neck, her arms. Everything prickled. Her posture straightened impossibly further- to the point of dull pain that tumbled from her shoulders to her tailbone. A small discomfort that went nearly unnoticed in the wake of Kaz’s words.

 

            That wasn’t… no. Inej shook her head slightly. Zoya and Nikolai would have told them… They’d been clear when taking on the job. Kaz was to be supplied with all the necessary information.

 

            When Kaz’s eyes shifted to her own, Inej no longer had any doubts in the truth of his words. His look alone conveyed everything she needed to know- he wasn’t wrong. Trust me, his eyes bade.

 

            She did.

 

            It was a slap, a sucker punch. The urge to slam a door or throw a knife, to watch the wood splinter and manifest her horror.

           

            “When it became relevant.” Zoya replied coolly. Inej swallowed tightly- surprised by her own disappointment.

 

            Nina had shrunk back in her seat, eyes wide. Kuwei looked down at his hands in his lap, silent now. Inej knew that she, Kaz, and Nina had all stumbled to a halt in front of this great omission. It was a fear akin to primal, one they all shared. Jurda parem, that blasphemous ghost of their shared youths. An abomination.

 

            Did all of this have to do with Jurda Parem? The thing that had almost cost their lives, their futures. The drug that had, in some way, cost them all Matthias, cost Kuwei his own father?

 

            Inej looked at Nina. The nasty concoction had nearly destroyed this woman, once. The incandescent, rouge and glitz, Nina Zenik. Inej’s treasured friend, most honest confidant.

 

            The world was dim enough without those they’d already lost. Without Matthias, Jordie. Jesper’s blessed mother and Yul Bo senior. Bram and Elena Rietveld and Inej’s own legacy-leaving grandfather.

 

            What if Nina hadn’t made it out of the withdrawals? If things had gone another way?

 

            A life without Nina Zenik, to Inej, felt all at once suffocating. Eclipsing. A type of grief that would ensure Inej would never dare wear something beautiful again or imbibe herself with sugary delights during the smallest hours of the morning. It was so vastly different from any grief Inej had ever experienced- imagined or otherwise.

 

            This horrible, split-second imagining was not just a feeling of loss or even hopelessness. It was none of the things Inej so often felt when allowed to linger on the memory of Matthias Helvar.

 

            Instead, Nina Zenik’s hypothetical absence was a complete cease of beauty. A foul quitting of simple joys and any motivation they once brought. A pointless, hurtful list rattled off in Captain Ghafa’s mind. Her crew. Her friends. Herself.

 

            What if she lost Specht?

 

            What if she lost Greer or Quinn or Mira?

 

            What if she lost?

 

            “Why were you captured in the first place?” Kaz demanded of Kuwei. “How long were you on the island? How did you escape? These notes were always fucking vague,” Kaz paused, scrubbing an irritated hand through his disheveled hair. When he next spoke, his voice leveled into a growl.

 

            “I conceded to the idea that the Ravkan survivor who managed to return to the Little Palace was in shock. Traumatized to a point where bringing he or she forward would prove a waste of time. But, I suppose, fool me once, Nazyalensky.”

 

            “Don’t lecture me, Brekker.” Zoya snapped.

 

            “I made my terms clear to both you and Nikolai. You’re in breach of a contract, General. The Kerch value our business commitments.”

 

            “I’m lost,” Lily whispered to Nina.

 

            Inej realized she was frozen where she stood, unable to make herself take charge or even retreat to her chair. All her body could seem to agree on was the need to wait.

 

            It was the instinct in her gut she’d felt a million times while stalking a mark from the rooftops. Wait for the moment, spider.

 

            “I know what you’re all thinking,” Kuwei stuttered. “But it’s not… It’s nothing to do with Parem.”

 

            Nina’s shoulders loosened a bit, a gust of relieved breath audible from her lips.

 

            “Then why? Why the secrecy?” Inej interjected, her feet carrying her into an agitated pace of the room, the plush carpet squishing beneath her boots.

 

            “Because I wasn’t certain to be alive by the time you left for the isle.” Kuwei replied quietly. “I infiltrated that place on purpose and left without being granted leave in the belly of a ship where I was openly wounded and flush with infection I wasn’t suspected to survive.”

 

            “That’s enough, Kuwei.” Zoya snarled. “Ravka agreed to give you all relevant information and we did.” The last portion was snapped in Kaz’s direction like a bomb.

 

            “No. You certainly did not.” Kaz rasped, voice slightly raised.

 

            “Enough!” Inej bellowed. The room silenced, eyes turning to her in quick succession. “This is not an effective crew, and I am both blatantly appalled and disappointed that this is the best that a Queen of a great nation and the most notorious boss of Ketterdam have to offer in way of professional cooperation.”

 

            Kaz, to his credit, did not meet her eyes this time. Zoya did not either. The Queen inspected the toes of her shiny boots while Kaz adjusted the wrists of his leather gloves.

 

            “I am captain of this crew, and I don’t give a damn if I’m supposedly outranked by either of you. My ship, my rules, my discretion. And right now I want both of you to shut up unless you have something I deem useful to add to this life-saving venture.”

 

            Nina was smirking like a child in the schoolroom, watching the bullies get their wrists whacked with a measuring stick. Inej leveled her eyes at the Corpse Witch and suddenly the coy expression faded. 

 

            “Yes, Captain.” Kaz answered slowly. “Seconded.” Lily Arbor intoned.

 

            “At least my nose is naturally brown,” Kuwei mumbled. “But agreed.”

 

            Zoya and Nina both nodded ascents, too.

 

            “Now. Kuwei. Please explain your time in Tornai Shimi to the highest level of detail you can recall and any disagreements or recourse from your commander can be directed to me.” Inej said with a surprisingly level voice, eyes on Zoya.

 

            The Queen, this time, offered no objections as the inferni began to speak in hushed tones, thunder rumbling after each word.

 

 

KAZ

 

            “You used your heritage to gain station on the Shu inferni guard on the island. You gathered information on Ravka’s prisoner’s of war held there and the slaving operations conducted… but did you see him?” Kaz asked to the near silent room at the end of the tale- one he’d not expected. Kuwei Yul Bo had played a double agent, and a fearless one at that.

 

            Kuwei was silent at the end of the table hands balled into fists against the rich mahogany. Kaz would not be deterred. He could sense Inej’s held breath despite her collected demeanor.

 

            “Did you see Kane De Vries?”

 

            “Yes… well, I think so.” Kuwei replied, golden eyes slanting to meet Kaz’s, a dark strand of plank-straight hair falling into his tilted face. “But I’d seen him before. It’s why I made my escape. I couldn’t afford to be recognized.”

 

            “Who was he?” Inej breathed. “How had you seen him before?”

 

            Zoya’s eyes were blown wide, her body leaned forward in her seat. Kaz suspected this was new information to the Queen, too.

 

            “You won’t believe me,” Kuwei muttered. “But I saw him at the auction… all those years ago.”

 

            “Who?” Kaz’s voice was black smoke rising off a blue flame. Quiet and furious.

 

            “He was sitting next to Jan. Wylan’s father.”

 

            “A merch,” Kaz breathed. “It’s always the fucking merchers.”

 

            “Maybe.” Kuwei conceded, “But I don’t know for certain.”

 

            “What makes you say that?” Inej tilted her head.

 

            Kuwei looked uncomfortable for a time, his eyes darting around Inej’s face.

 

            “Whatever it is…we need to know, Kuwei.” Inej tried to sound kind, despite her festering nerves.

 

            The inferni took a deep breath- a bracing moment. “I don’t know because I saw a tattoo on his forearm.”

 

            “One of the gangs? Like mine?” Kaz leaned forward.

 

            “No,” Kuwei shook his head certainly. “Like… like the one you told me you used to have, Inej. A feather.”

Notes:

CHAPTER SUMMARY:

kaz: gurl what r u doing here?
kuwei: biiiiitttchhh lemme tell you
Inej: stop talking, for the love of the saints, STOP
Zoya: lmao
Lily: lmao x2
Nina: lmao x infinity

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Kofi: @ravenyenn19 (thank you for considering supporting! Anything I make right now helps as I prepare to relocate BIG time and take on a brand new chapter of my life and career as an author. Can't wait to share more soon<3 )

thank you again, my lovelies. <3 ps- If you like my Baldur's Gate fanfic "Our Middle Is The Moon"- I'm returning with a brand new chapter there, too!

pss-I know these past few have been such dense chapters but plz plz stick with me. I promise it'll be worth it<33

Chapter 178: Prohibited Grace

Summary:

A bit of mischief.

Quick refresher/ LAST ON DWOD: (lmao)
Inej Ghafa is preparing to sail out of fifth harbor post a monsoon alongside Lily, Nina, Zoya and the rest of the Wraith's crew. They will hunt the elusive Slaver, Kane De Vries. Kaz is busy scheming, hoping to gain insight for Wylan Van Eck on the Merchant councils' secret dealings, and on the Mercher's themselves who are suspected to be in business with the Slave trader Inej hunts. With the help of a fresh Dregs' recruit, Kaz has ears on the merchants (Cristof). With the surprise arrival of Kuwei Yul Bo, Inej is reconciling the danger she now faces and what she stands to leave behind. Shenanigans ensue.

Notes:

CHAPTER 178.....

Hello, dear readers. Do you remember me? It's been awhile. I wanted to sit here and type you an illuminating author's note, but... Truth is, that is a task i don't know how to do after months away and repeated, failed, attempts to return.

I could tell you life has been sharp and unyielding. I could lay down each individual hurdle, internal and external, I've struggled to overcome in order to return to my public writing. But this is no altar and I have no matches to light the candles needed to illuminate these past months of individual and existential strife & growth. I know i have lost many readers, gained some, and perhaps disappointed a fair few. I am cognizant of this. I cannot apologize, because I have genuinely done my best, but I do wish this absence hadn't been necessary.

I, instead, will simply say I missed you. Every day. If you've left a comment in my absence- I assure you I've read it. Even if I couldn't begin to reply, please know you have indeed kept my spark alive during some shrouded days. It is a debt I can only attempt to repay with a profound Thank you.

To each and every one of you- I hope during our time apart you have found patches of sunlight- despite the horrors in many of our daily lives. Which, I know for many, lightness is infinitely more important than ever.

That being said- I do want to say a few things that I haven't while i was absent from the online space:

To any affected by the horrendous genocide in Palestine, while i know I can never begin to imagine your pain, I stand with you. I care for you. I am so sorry on behalf of our world.

For those in Ukraine, I pass this sentiment along as well. You are an incredibly resilient nation and we love you.

For those in the US, as I am, we must find our courageous hearts and carry on with the strength of spirit and resolve that our brethren have exemplified across the world. Keep going. It is never too late to change your mind- to stand up with bravery and empathy and demand leaders who do the same.

And, finally, I never have nor will i ever consent to this story or any writing produced by me being used to train AI. (A sentence I never wanted to find necessary). My work may likely have been scrubbed already, but I feel better stating this publicly. AI is not meant to take art from humanity, nor the dreams artists have harbored their entire lives. If you use it, I beg you to reconsider. You are actively harming creatives like me. You are allowing our work to be stolen and stripped for parts.

I wanted to say these things now, because I believe someone might need to hear them. Because words hold weight in this world. Because if I am granted any platform at all, i will use it.

While heavy, I hope these things resonate with even one person.

Now, I will continue as I began. with a story & a heart that knows nothing but a purpose: to share it.

I hope, despite a very rusty writer and a hiatus wide enough to rival the fold, that you enjoy this chapter. I'll be around in the comments & I do hope to hear from you. <3

Song Recommendation:
"Good Girls" by Josie Edwards (not really lyrics, just vibes of a bit of upbeat but also melancholy)

 

ps- ai cant take my em dashes from me. DO NOT CITE THE OLD MAGIC TO ME WITCH, I WAS THERE WHEN IT WAS WRITTEN.

INEJ

 

            Brine stuck to the air like a barnacle, coating everything in a little bit of salt and tempest. Inej had seen many a storm swell the harbors of Ketterdam during her years in the blackened city- but never one quite so ripe. Thunder heads spangled the horizon like bloated and bruised fruit, ready to fall from a rotting gray sky.

 

            Her mind wasn’t a much better environment- filled with the mornings’ events and spinning heinous conspiracies about feather tattoos. She looked over at her walking companion, a frowning Kuwei Yul-Bo. A young man who had only just given up on using a parasol in this monsoon wind. It was a rather comical sight, watching him fumble to turn the thing right-side-out. Inej, on the other hand, relished the gale rushing through her hair. She liked the cool rain on her skin, dotting the back of her neck.

 

            “I wasn’t aware Infernis’ melted in the rain.” Inej hummed this skeptically, eyeing the Shu man who was fussing like one of the elite ladies of Feldt street, touching his once coiffed hair and murmuring curses at the sky.

 

            “We don’t,” Kuwei snipped. “I’m just exhausted and tired of dampness.”

 

            A bubble of shame rose in her center. Fair enough, she thought. Kuwei had been on the Shu coast, on the vile Tornai Shimi no less, only to escape wounded and running back to Ravka. Then the boy had volunteered to travel all the way back to Kerch- a place he surely held little fond memories of. This was the city in which Kuwei Yul Bo had died, after all.

 

            They clomped along the docks in a stretched silence, alone save for the crews of fishing galleys and merchant ships that worked to hunker down their vessels and prepare for the worst of the storm. Hollers and thuds of boots were dimmed by the creak of hulls and the crash of waves.

 

            “So, the new grisha.” Kuwei broke their quiet. He wiped rain from his amber eyes, squinted at Inej from the corner of them.

 

            “Lily?” Inej asked. Kuwei gave a silent nod. Inej considered the way Kaz had claimed Lily Arbor as a sister in the face of the queen. It was settled, then. “She’s Kaz’s sister and I believe she’ll prove to be a great help for our cause.”

 

            “I see,” Kuwei began, eyebrows pinched tightly enough to create a confused little line in the skin between them.

 

            “What, Kuwei? Are you really surprised that Kaz didn’t sit us all down and confess he wasn’t actually a demon sprouted from thin air and truly had family?” Inej scoffed, imagining the absurdity of it. Kaz had changed much in the years since the sugar scam, since the slaying of Kuwei Yul Bo and jurda parem- but he’d not changed that much. He was a sentimental man, in his way, Inej supposed. Yet even with her he still stumbled over words often. Back then, Kaz hadn’t been able to confess even the smallest of truths about himself to Inej or Jesper, let alone anyone else.

 

            “No,” Kuwei shook his head sternly, “It’s just that I don’t understand why she was there and yet the two faces I expected to see- Wylan and Jesper- were not.”

 

            Inej’s steps slowed, though she quickly recovered her pace. This was not the observation she’d been prepared for. She’d misread his expression entirely. She took almost a full berth’s worth of steps before she answered. “We’re protecting them. They’ve been targeted on account of their involvement with Kaz and I in the past. I won’t let it happen again, Kuwei. We won’t.”

 

            Kuwei nodded as the rain picked up in tempo, droplets cutting lines down his sun-bronzed skin. He looked healthier, Inej thought abruptly. This young man had a life to look forward to- yet here he was, aiding her. Here he was, wielding his freedom for good despite the great personal cost he may face.

 

If she’d been able to, Inej thought, she would have protected him, too. The boy she’d once known, a lithe small thing, had grown into a man. She’d seen straight away why Kuwei had marched into Kaz’s office untailored. He was unrecognizable as the boy hit by a bullet atop the altar in the Church of Barter.

 

            “It’s just that they don’t need to be involved, they don’t need to be worried. They have so much going for them, now. A college at the University! Steady livelihoods that are fully legal, Kuwei.” Inej burst, an avalanche of words pouring out faster than she’d intended. More than she’d intended. “It’s not their problem.”

 

            “For someone who seems to have a lot to say in her letters about us all having a responsibility to the innocents of this world, you certainly don’t allow others the chance to choose to help.” Kuwei said, his words slow as he ordered them properly in Kerch rather than Ravkan. He really had been practicing. “What if you don’t come back?”

 

            “What do you mean?” Inej asked quietly, tiredly. It wasn’t that she didn’t know the risks when she undertook this voyage. It wasn’t that she didn’t expect to leave a hole in many lives if she perished. Inej had more self-worth and awareness than to doubt it, now. It was simply that Inej had run her numbers- as if she were Kaz balancing the accounts for the Crow Club. This sacrifice would be worth it- even if her life ended out there on the chop of her beloved sea or in a dance of steel with the slaver she hunted.

 

            “Just… you’d leave them without answers.” Kuwei shook his head, his disappointment laid plain on his face. Inej felt inexplicably defensive, more annoyed than she ought to be.

 

            “It’s not as if there’s no one who could give them answers,” Inej replied, cooler than before. “Nina. Kaz. You.”

 

            “That is not a kindness, Inej. Not to me.” Kuwei shrugged. “It’s a burden you’d be putting on those who would already be grieving themselves.”

 

            When Inej remained silent, the Shu man spoke again, softer this time. “Do you truly believe that Kaz Brekker will have the mind to sit down and divulge to others in the wake of your death? To explain to them the merit of your choice or the honor in it?”

 

            Inej shot him a rapid glance before looking ahead. She shivered for the first time since the winds began. She crossed her arms, ran her hands along her coat for warming friction. She did not want to answer Kuwei.

 

            “That man loves you too many, Inej.”

 

            “Much,” Inej corrected sourly. “He loves me too much.”

 

            “Doesn’t matter,” Kuwei flicked his wrist, paused at berth twenty-two, where the Wraith rocked in the hatchling waves of the storm. “You’ve already understood what I’m trying to tell you. Gently, but firmly?” He said the last word as if it were a question. Inej nodded her approval of his sentence without meeting her friend’s knowing face.

 

            “As the only person you know to escape Kane De Vries and the horror he’s inflicting on this world…” He paused, turned his body fully toward Inej. She resisted the instinct to flinch when Kuwei put a hand on each of her biceps and dipped his face to look into her eyes.

 

            “Make your peace, my friend. Leave nothing behind.” His words hissed like a sword pulled from the forge and thrust into water. Hot and cold with a sliver of steel between them.

 

            Kuwei turned from her, glanced up at her ship. His eyes traced the swooping lettering on the hull. The Wraith. With one more pointed look, the inferni loped up the waiting gangplank of her ship without preamble, seeming to forget she was meant to be showing him the vessel. Specht’s baritone greeting cut through the noise of the docks, a seasoned maritime timber.

 

            Inej turned her back to the harbor. She looked upon Ketterdam’s rigid skyline and tried to recall when, exactly, she’d begun to love the place she’d once longed so desperately to escape. When this drenched, wretched, lovely city had become as much a part of her as the scenic routes the caravans travelled and the dawn over open ocean.

 

            Kuwei had said to leave nothing behind. As a girl, her people had taught her to live a rich life with only what a wagon and horses might carry. The sea had demanded respect for every reprieve granted, every fair wind. Nothing was guaranteed but the will one could conjure to survive. It had taught her to carry only what was needed in both her trunk and her spirit.

 

            Inej, a born nomad and relentless wanderer, could recall none of these lessons in packing light. Instead, she drowned in the realization that all would, indeed, be left behind.

 

 

 

KAZ

 

            “Enter.” Kaz grunted from his desk, the wax on his missive pooled crimson. He reached for his seal and pressed it into envelope with more force than necessary.

 

            “Pardon, Sir,” Cristof peeked around the heavy door to his office. The boy gave a lopsided smile- all freckles and youth despite the starvation lingering in his frame and the crescent hollows beneath his eyes. He still wore the serving uniform Kaz had given to him that morning to spy on a private brunch the Merchants had held, fortunately, in his own damn restaurant.

 

            “What have you got for me?” Kaz asked, reaching already for his pen and ink. Another missive to write, another summons he would demand.

 

            Cristof came to stand opposite Kaz’s desk, hands linked in front of himself. Nervous energy crackled around the boy. He was silent long enough that Kaz lifted his head, stared at him.

 

            Cristof reached into his pocket, pulled something silver from within. The trinket landed on Kaz’s parchment with a dull ting. It was the ouroboros. Kane’s symbol. A tie pin.

 

            “They mostly spouted on about a new tax goin’ in place or some such. Financials. But I remembered you and Miss Inej wanted to know if I saw this. I ain’t heard much else but they were spittin’ mad by the end of it. Someone on the council holding out for a budget I reckon.” Cristof blubbered, hands gesturing.

 

            “They mentioned one of them night lady houses down on the stave. Boasted about some new- er, ladies. I ain’t know which of ‘em it was, Sir. I did my best.” Cristof frowned down at his boots. Floppy curls fell onto the boy’s face.

 

            “Tell me who was there.” Kaz rasped, holding the polished silver pin up to the light of the hurricane lamp that brightened the corner of his desk. The snake eating it’s own tail cast a menacing shadow across the creamy parchment splayed before him. A viper in the snow.

 

            “Jergin, that old cod with the yellowin’ teeth. A man named Rithmire- don’t think I’ve seen him before. And Herrin. The one you’d said would be there. He certainly was alright, sent his food back to Chef twice. A couple other oafs in their Chapel finest.”

 

            Kaz paused, palmed the silver pin.

 

            “Who had this?” Kaz asked, flicking his gaze up to Cristof. He searched the boy’s face for any sign of fear or deceit. He found nothing but a bit of discomfort.

 

            Cristof gave a loose, reluctant shrug. Sheepishness kept the boy’s voice low, “I nicked it from one of their jackets on my way to the kitchens. The ones hangin’ in the foyer where they come in an’ such.”

 

            Kaz sighed. “You don’t know who had the pin?”

 

            “No, Sir.” Cristof murmured, looking more fearful of Kaz than he had in all their encounters that day. “I ain’t meant to let you down. I was fixing to wait it out until they left, see who put the coat on- but it would’ve been strange, a kitchen boy mulling about where there weren’t any plates to pluck or napkins to gather.”

 

            “You didn’t.” Kaz said the words without really thinking about them. He ignored the orphan’s eager eyes and careful head bob.

 

            “And any mention of Van Eck? Jan or Wylan?”

 

            “I… think so. See, I can’t really be sure which one they were meaning. They went on and on about needing Van Eck’s money to put some new bill to bed. Can’t recall what it was called, some fancy word. They talked about… er, muddled blood. That’s what they said. Said the blood needn’t be funneled down no more.”

 

            Kaz filed that away. It almost sounded like the beginnings of a coup. Kaz thought of Wylan Van Eck, the way he used all that Kaelish fleet fortune for good fucking things. Things that might change Kerch. A music college at the University. Fury hatched silently from it’s fragile shell, somewhere near the base of Kaz’s sternum. He needed more information, more before he got Jes and Wylan involved again.

 

Cristof went on to talk about how the Merchants mentioned recent declines in Indenture tax collection, and Kaz wondered silently if this was the fancy word Cristof hadn’t known. Kaz wished Inej had still been here to hear that bit of the conversation. It would have done her some good to hear her work was clearly making an impact. Though, on the other hand, he supposed she might not see it that way. She’d see it that there was still indentures being paid on at all- still new flesh being smuggled into the city despite her momentous efforts.

 

With a lofty sum paid and a dismissive order to return the uniform to the kitchens, Kaz dismissed the youngest member of the Dregs from his office.

 

As Cristof turned to leave, his pockets heavy with more kruge than a new recruit could hope to have, Kaz stared down at the Serpent’s head pin glinting in the muted warm light of the sconces. He daydreamed about scooping one of Kane De Vries’ eyes out with it. He may not know the color of the man’s eyes yet, but he already knew the color of the blood that would drip from the hollowed socket. The imagery was almost enough to put him in better spirits.

 

“Boss?” Cristof’s voice came from the doorway, his head turned over his frail shoulder, small hand still wrapped around the handle.

 

Kaz looked up sharply, surprised the boy dared linger.

 

“I remember the word, that fancy one they mentioned. What does ‘Prohibition’ mean?”

 

Shock came first. A full-bodied thing that wiggled through Kaz like a ghost. The Merchants… they were seeking another tax, another way to pad pockets of the upper caste and counter any loss in Ketterdam’s lucrative flesh trade.

 

Kaz pulled the bottle of whiskey from his drawer, feeling rage ignite his belly and lick up his spine. “It means the rich are beginning to grow so fat they’ve forgotten we rats will eat the feet they stand on,” Kaz rasped thickly. He downed a shot of liquor, snapped his gloved fingers in a way he hadn’t in a while.

 

 “Go.” Kaz barked.

 

This time, Cristof burst from the office, pulling the door shut quickly behind him.

 

 

NINA

 

            A coach rocked over the cobbled road ahead of them, Nina’s hand darted out instinctually to warn Lily of the obstruction. Nina flushed when she realized Lily had already halted, Nina’s hand landing lamely on the other woman’s forearm. It was an awkward position, the two of them snug beneath Nina’s little umbrella. Lily gave a half-grin, “I appreciate your attempt to help but I have crossed a busy street before. Hearing or no, I can feel the ground rumble.”

 

The regret, and embarrassment, was instant. Nina diverted her eyes to the street lamps across the way- of course Lily could handle herself. Nina hadn’t meant to imply otherwise. She needed to work on that. Conscious respect.

 

Lily shifted a strand of auburn hair behind her ear, an escapee from the elegant knot at the base of her neck. Lily Arbor wore a perfume with a bergamot base that would have given the effect of cologne if it weren’t for the subtle addition of lilac. It was intoxicatingly indecisive.

 

Nina felt as if it was an extraordinarily intimate detail to know. Something she shouldn’t, in fact, know.

 

This orphic woman was not hers to know.

 

She just had to get Lily back to Jesper and Wylan’s. Nina could then focus on what mattered. Helping Inej and Zoya prepare to leave and… preparing to say goodbye to Ketterdam.

 

“What is that?” Lily queried, her eyes squinting through the rain fall and into the mist that hugged curling black spires, the bell towers. 

 

Nina had taken the long way back to Wylan and Jesper’s, edging the Geldin District and swooping down the long boulevards toward the financial district. She figured Kaz couldn’t possibly argue with Nina selecting the safest and most scenic route to deliver Lily from the Barrel.

 

“The Church of Barter,” Nina replied. “The palm of Ghezen, for those who believe.”

 

“I’ve heard stories about it,” Lily’s husky voice was pitched to a whisper. “Jordie drew me a picture, in one of his letters. Told me about the bells.”

 

“About how they chime on the hour?” Nina chuckled. “Yes, I suppose it’s probably for the Exchange, rather than for religious time keeping.”

 

“Is it true there’s a big bell up there in the top of the tower that’s too heavy to ring?” Lily asked, her head turning so she could read Nina’s lips in response. Nina swallowed, attempted to put a step between them without drenching herself in the rain.

 

“It is,” Nina answered, recalling how Inej had once been the one to tell her the same story. They’d been simple, drunk girls surviving off one another’s friendship, whittling away evenings on Nina’s little balcony at the White Rose.

 

“Supposedly the artisan who made the regular cathedral bells made one singular bell, twice the size of the rest, to hang in the top of the tallest nave spire. Only Ghezen himself could ring it. Only a God’s hands would be strong enough. Or so the legend says, anyhow.”

 

“Those hands, up there?” Lily pointed. Nina followed Lily’s slender finger to the large statuesque palms from which ripe fruit dripped like grace for the believers.

 

Two hands crowned the Cathedral that was, in itself, the likeness of a hand. The once golden motif had long since greened with the humidity of Kerch and the salt of the harbors. Nina wondered if it was truly gilded or was only ever a polished bronze. She didn’t think the Kerch would have ever allowed that much pure gold to sit out in the weather. Not even for their God.

 

“I suppose,” Nina shrugged. “I never really thought about it. But I guess Ghezen’s church couldn’t raise up and ring itself. So maybe those are the actual hands of God and his Church is just a large prop.”

 

Lily smiled. It was a different smile than Nina had seen from the mortician thus far. A simple, soft sort of happiness. Delicate. Curious.

 

“That settles it.” Lily huffed suddenly, squaring her shoulders. “I want to see more of Ketterdam.”

 

“Well…” Nina began, feeling as if Brekker’s eyes were already on her, daring her to defy him.

 

“I want to see the Crow Club.” Lily countered, clearly preempting the protests Nina was about to spill. There was no room for question in the other woman. It didn’t matter if Nina agreed or not. “I will see what Kaz has built. I might not get another chance.”

 

Lily would be going regardless. Nina, despite her best efforts, could not find it within herself to argue that point. Not when those sharp nautical eyes were burning into her, demanding concession.

 

“Well, if you’re going to ‘do the town’, you have to do it right.” Nina sighed, pointed down the next street. Lily’s eyebrows rose as she watched the words fall from Nina’s mouth.

 

“What does that mean?” Lily asked, allowing Nina to guide them down the near empty sidewalk- a rare occurrence for Ketterdam’s bustling metropolis.

 

“You don’t go now, at lunch time, when only the lowly Exchange traders are there, avoiding their spouses and hardly spending enough kruge to cover the worth of the staff. You go tonight, in the company of a thousand tourists and a million locals.”

 

“And hidden from Kaz?” Lily smirked, her voice alight with mischief.

 

“Doubtful. But at the least we can wear beautiful things and try to convince Inej to stand between us and him when he does find out.” Nina hummed, already flipping through her wardrobe in her mind.

 

Regrettably, she wondered what color was Lily’s favorite. Would black bring out Nina’s eyes best? Maybe her emerald blouse?

 

“I’ve never gambled before,” Lily added, her hands signing along. “How much kruge do I need to go to Kaz’s club?”

 

It was Nina’s turn to smirk. “Dr. Arbor, we get the friends and family discount.”

 

Lily eyed her skeptically. “Kaz has such a thing?”

 

“No.” Nina grinned. “But Jesper is a partial owner, too. Just because he doesn’t gamble anymore doesn’t mean he’s not courteous.”

 

Nina made a brazen choice to link her arm through Lily’s as they chortled at their ridiculous plan. Two half-mad women under a red umbrella braved the onslaught of rain, ignoring the eyes of those already stashed neatly indoors.

 

KAZ

 

            “Boss, a word?”

 

            “What?” Kaz rasped irritably, pausing on his way out the door. Inej hadn’t been in their apartment, he’d not seen her since she’d left the meeting that morning with Kuwei Yul Bo.

 

            “I believe you should, perhaps, head to the Club.” Roeder answered brusquely. “Jergin showed up, that Merch you said you wanted at a table you were dealing? I spotted him, sniffed him coming from the Vixen’s Garden.”

 

            “Fine,” Kaz rasped. “If you see Inej, tell her I’m dealing three man in the upper lounge.”

 

            “I think you might see her before I do, Boss. Last I heard the Wraith was already at the Club.”

 

            Kaz froze, turned back to his second-best spider. “With who?”

 

            “All I know is Jesper sent a runner to hold a large booth for the Wraith. I assumed it was none o’ my business.”

 

 

 

            In the corner booth, just by the band, a coven of women nestled. They cast a spell over the hazy gambling hall, with peels of mischievous laughter. Two Grisha, one Captain, and one Dregs’ lieutenant.

Notes:

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@ravenyenn19 (tiktok, insta, threads, tumblr) I haven't been active in a while... but I'm trying guys. Ko-fi is also @ravenyenn19 for anyone inclined to support this lil struggling artist. Never expected, always appreciated.<3

Anyways, I'm doing my best to get back to some semblance of myself. I have missed you so much. A lot changed and I am sorry I was gone for so very long. I had my own demons to deal with, I suppose one might say. I also moved across the country and everything sort of just.. imploded. I know this chapter is probably not my best but it is what I felt I could post and I have a full kanej bit for the next one and I hope to do that quick. I love you guys and for anyone still here... thanks for sticking it out with me. I hope you'll stick around still.

Keep fighting, dear readers. We can make it out of this darkness.