Chapter Text
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (2:45 am)
Kaeya
Kaaaaeeeyaaaaaa
KAEYA WAKE UP
Kaeya Albe-Rich (2:48 am)
Jesus Christ, Childe, WHAT?
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (2:50 am)
(Sent an image)
Do u think zhong li will appreciate my dress
Kaeya Albe-Rich (2:51 am)
I... am actually amazed you took my suggestion to heart. I'm going to need bleach for my eyes.
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (2:52 am)
You SAID it was going to make him fall for me!!!! Ive already told you how desperate I am.
Kaeya Albe-Rich (2:52 am)
Desperate, not whipped
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (2:53 am)
He is the finest of all gold, Kaeya. The greatest of all men. I will dress up like a fucking meteor if it means he'll look at me like how he looks at all his geology specimen
Kaeya Albe-Rich (2:53 am)
Whipped
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (2:53 am)
What am I supposed to dooooooooo?????
he's so fine
and so hot
I don't care if I have a major in aquamarines, I want him to increase global warming so I can bask in his presence
Kaeya Albe-Rich (2:53 am)
Childe, I love you and you are great, but it is 3 am and I have a really big test coming up tomorrow
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (2:54 am)
You can't possibly be serious
Does our friendship mean nothing to you????
You promised me youd be my wingman. You told me zhongli will love me by the end of the semester!!!
Kaeya Albe-Rich (2:55 am)
Childe, you live right next door. We can talk about this on literally any other day
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (2:55 am)
But you dont understand!!! We have a time limit!!!
He'll be leaving in seven weeks. I cant let this opportunity slide!!
Plus if I do I'll be single. And lonely. And ruin your life stealing all your skewers because you have an addiction
Kaeya Albe-Rich (2:55 am)
you do NOT touch my skewers
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (2:55 am)
You need to stop eating chicken-mushroom skewers
You will die of hypertension, Kaeya
Kaeya Albe-Rich (2:56 am)
I don't care. If you touch my skewers, I will actually stop helping you
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (2:56 am)
No wait please!
Come back!
Kaeya??
Kaaeeeyaaaaaa
Kaeya, if you don't respond, I am going to walk over to your room
Kaeya.
You asshole, I'm coming over
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (6:05 pm)
Kaeya
Kaeya Albe-Rich (6:10 pm)
What?
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (6:11 pm)
I've done fucked up
Kaeya Albe-Rich (6:11 pm)
So... nothing new then?
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (6:11 pm)
No, I usually fuck up in small segments. This is a monumental one
Kaeya Albe-Rich (6:12 pm)
Childe what did you do
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (6:11 pm)
So I told you that zhongli has extravagant tastes, right?
Kaeya Albe-Rich (6:12 pm)
Yes, you said this man once blew 1k on buying a rock
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (6:12 pm)
yeah about that...
Kaeya Albe-Rich (6:12 pm)
Please tell me you didn't become his sugar daddy
You are in student debt, you do NOT become a sugar daddy
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (6:12 pm)
WtF NO
Im not as rich as you okay??? What the fuck do you even work as???
Kaeya Albe-Rich (6:13 pm)
Sometimes, child, one must keep their identity in the folds
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (6:13 pm)
Okay drug dealer keep your secrets
But, you see, I was talking to this really nice senior earlier whos really good friends with him right
And they said he was taking a wine-tasting class this semester...
Kaeya Albe-Rich (6:14 pm)
You did not
Childe, please tell me you did not
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (6:14 pm)
I did
Kaeya Albe-Rich (6:15 pm)
I do not know whether to laugh or cry at your dumbassery
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (6:15 pm)
I am the thirstiest man alive
But I cant do this alone
Please kaeya join this class with me
I cant face golden-eyed prince like this
I NEED YOUR HELP
Kaeya Albe-Rich (6:16 pm)
There are things I'd do for you, Childe, but there are times where I must draw the line
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (6:17 pm)
You are on a full SCHOLARSHIP
You can literally go to whatever class you want and it wont cost you a cent
Kaeya Albe-Rich (6:17 pm)
Yes, but my scholarship is for proper education. I am not wasting my life in a wine-tasting class
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (6:17 pm)
Well youre gonna want to reconsider
Because remember of that one video I took of you at that party??
Kaeya Albe-Rich (6:18 pm)
I don't care what video you pull up. You will not budge me on this
What's the class code
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (10:56 am)
two o clock
Kaeya Albe-Rich (10:56 am)
oh my
I take back my insults at your questionable tastes. He is actually a good one
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (10:56 am)
RIGHT??? I told you: fine as old wine
Kaeya Albe-Rich (10:56 am)
But what's he doing in a three-piece suit?
Does he have an interview or something?
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (10:57 am)
Oh no thats just how he dresses
Kaeya Albe-Rich (10:57 am)
So he wears a three-piece suit
...in a 130-degree weather??
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (10:57 am)
cant feel heat if you are the heat
Kaeya Albe-Rich (10:58 am)
Jesus, so you're in love with a rich boy
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (10:58 am)
gotta break the trend
dated too many poor people in my lifetime
Kaeya Albe-Rich (10:59 am)
He's coming up to you
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (10:59 am)
FUCK HIDE ME
Kaeya Albe-Rich (10:59 am)
Can't. You signed up for this
I'm going to smoothly introduce you to him and you need to stop acting like a duck and pull out playboy Childe. Capiche?
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (10:59 am)
YOU are the only playboy between us
You low v-neck shirt wearer
Kaeya Albe-Rich (10:59 am)
What can I say? It drives the girls wild
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (10:59 am)
FUCKkck HES HEReerewf
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:45 am)
This class is unbelievably boring
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11:46 am)
Oh come on, its not that bad
At least we get to taste wine later on in the semester, right? They say the prof has a huge winery somewhere near the campus
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:46 am)
It's been fifteen minutes. He's still on the topic of grapes
How is it humanly possible to talk about grapes that long?
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11:46 am)
Oh, please, it's a wine-tasting class. What did you expect it was going to be about?
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:55 am)
...Who the fuck is that
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11:55 am)
Cant you see Im trying to woo my future husband. He finally responded to some of my questions!!
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:56 am)
Childe, if you don't tell me who's that hot redhead that just walked in the class, I will KILL you
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11:56 am)
Oh him?? Hes the prof's son. Did you not check the TA list?
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:56 am)
Jesus christ
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11:57 am)
Whats wrong kaeya??
He 2 hot 4 u?
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:57 am)
Yes, too hot for me. Holy shit
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11:57 am)
Wait are you serious??
I thought you were done with dating redheads
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:58 am)
His voice is as hot as his face. WHAT THE HELL
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11:58 am)
You right. Its kind of like honey. But he cant beat Zhongli's deep rumble
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:59 am)
Hes talking about grapes as well
Jesus you can't be that hot and talk about grapes
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11:59 am)
ooooo someones getting some goods tonight
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:59 am)
You have to shoot your shot sometimes
I'm going up to him
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11:59 am)
lmao good luck
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (9:06 pm)
Does it hurt, Mr Krabs?
Kaeya Albe-Rich (9:07 pm)
Shut up
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (9:07 pm)
Lmao that was BRUTAL
He straight up roasted you. "Pirate-wannabe bastard", putting that in my books
Kaeya Albe-Rich (9:07 pm)
Its not my fault I wear an eyepatch okay?
Which dumbass you think kicked me down the stairs and had my eye bruised
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (9:08 pm)
Okay listen that was months ago. The bruise should've healed by now
And besides, wine-tasting class wasnt that bad right??? I got my eyes on a man, you got your eyes on a really hot redhead...
Kaeya Albe-Rich (9:08 pm)
He looks like the kind to cry in bed
He probably does
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (9:08 pm)
But thats your type isnt it??
Youd want to make him cry, you sick bastard
Kaeya Albe-Rich (9:09 pm)
You're not wrong. I'd make him bend over and make him sob my name
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (9:10 pm)
WOAH WOAH okay DONT tell me more. I dont want to hear about your weird kinks
Kaeya Albe-Rich (9:09 pm)
I'm just in a rut okay. Haven't got my eyes on another person for quite a while
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (9:10 pm)
yeah, yeah, and you want to sleep it off. Typical playboy
Kaeya Albe-Rich (9:10 pm)
Oh come on, I'm not that much of a heartbreaker
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (9:10 pm)
Remember that girl that was crying outside my door
Or that guy who was begging in the middle of that campus for "kaeya to come back to him"
Or that other guy who begged me to give him your contact number because, apparently, a certain shitty pirate didnt give his 'boyfriend' his number
Kaeya Albe-Rich (9:11 pm)
Okay, that last one was a misunderstanding. It was a one-night-stand
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (9:11 pm)
Apparently good enough that he thought you were his boyfriend
Kaeya Albe-Rich (9:11 pm)
I'm sorry you're a virgin
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (9:11 pm)
Hey, what does it matter?
Zhongli is a gentle soul and Im sure he'll handle me with care
Kaeya Albe-Rich (9:11 pm)
He has a fine ass, though
If he has an ass that fine, he probably has enough to rail you for days
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (9:12 pm)
Jesus how do you know this???
Kaeya Albe-Rich (9:12 pm)
Experience
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11.06 am)
Holyshitholyshitholyshit
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:06 am)
Got railed yet?
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11.06 am)
no even better. I bumped into Zhongli earlier and we went out to eat lunch
he started talking about meteors and how beautiful they can be and how its material can be used to make so much things
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:06 am)
And?
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11.07 am)
thats it
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:07 am)
...so all you did was go out on lunch with him
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11.07 am)
Dont you GET IT??? We are filled with love. Driven by passion. I can listen to him talk about the descent of the renaissance and Id still be gay for him
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:08 am)
I'm amazed at your stupidity
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11.08 am)
Im sorry, mr salty, its not my fault your redhead rejected you
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:08 am)
Okay, that was a low blow
But speaking of redheads, I'm going to his office hours right now
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11.09 am)
Holy shit youre actually trying????
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:09 am)
What's wrong with trying?
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11.09 am)
Kaeya... honey...
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:09 am)
Spit it out
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11.10 am)
its just... wow... youre a new man...
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:10 am)
I have wooed people before, might I remind you
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11.10 am)
yeah... but youre putting in effort...
thats like telling me I dont have student debt
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:10 am)
I am leaving you. Find a new roommate
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11.10 am)
Kaeya noooooooooo
coome baaaaack
...can you at least convince zhongli to stay with me?
Kaeya Albe-Rich (2:06 pm)
Childe, am I not hot enough
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (2:06 pm)
Finally some self awareness
Kaeya Albe-Rich (2:06 pm)
What am I doing wrong?? Am I not being flirty enough? Not wearing a shirt sexy enough?
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (2:06 pm)
I dont know if the stuff you wear can be considered clothes
Kaeya Albe-Rich (2:06 pm)
What am I supposed to do
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (2:07 pm)
Hey, youre supposed to be advising me. Im trying to get some game here!
Kaeya Albe-Rich (2:07 pm)
Yes, but you and zhongli are probably fine. Me and redhead? Not that fine
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (2:07 pm)
I am very pleased to know you have some faith in me
Kaeya Albe-Rich (2:07 pm)
Jesus and he's unbelievably sexy when he rejects me, too. 'I will not tolerate this insolence, Mr. Kaeya.' He's definitely into power play
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (2:07 pm)
Lmao do you even have a name to the face?? Calling him redhead seems a bit derogatory
Kaeya Albe-Rich (2:08 pm)
Diluc
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (2:08 pm)
Ah yes diluc. Despite having the phrase 'luc' in his name, he'll never actually look at you, will he?
Kaeya Albe-Rich (2:08 pm)
Can you not. I'm already festering in pain as it is
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (2:09 pm)
okok jokes aside, what do I wear tomorrow?
Kaeya Albe-Rich (2:09 pm)
What's the occasion?
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (2:09 pm)
Zhongli agreed to me meeting him in a cafe to talk about his studies. He wants to talk more about meteors
Kaeya Albe-Rich (2:09 pm)
Can you actually focus on a subject that long?
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (2:10 pm)
If its zhongli??? Anything. I will gladly listen to his voice for eons and Id still never get bored of him
Kaeya Albe-Rich (2:11 pm)
W
H
I
P
P
E
D
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (2:12 pm)
okay settle down cowboy. Youre equally whipped
Kaeya Albe-Rich (2:12 pm)
I am not
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (2:12 pm)
oh hell yeah you are. You usually give up after 1 try. Youve gone to this man twice now
Kaeya Albe-Rich (2:12 pm)
Listen, he's hot as hell. I'm probably never going to see a guy top his looks. I need to hit it before I quit it, okay?
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (2:12 pm)
Lmao okay whatever you say
Kaeya Albe-Rich (2:12 pm)
I will get over him when I sleep with him
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (2:13 pm)
Lmao sure
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:05 am)
Can you stop looking like that for 5 seconds
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11:05 am)
Like what??
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:05 am)
Like you're about to vomit rainbows every time Zhongli talks to you and all you want to do is die
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11:05 am)
Wait how do you know this???
Are you in the cafe
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:05 am)
Look behind you
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11:05 am)
what the FUCK kaeya
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:06 am)
I'm here to give you advice okay. Don't you want my help?
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11:06 am)
Wipe that smug ass grin off your face, this was supposed to be a PRIVATE date
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:06 am)
Doesn't look like Zhongli thinks its a private date
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11:06 am)
He'll come around. And stop looking here!!!! Hes going to suspect something
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:07 am)
Order the most expensive tiramisu cake. He looks like the kind to enjoy that kind of stuff
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11:06 am)
I cant believe Im taking advice from a shady ass drug dealer
Okay i know im not supposed to be on my phone during a good date, but i have to instill panic in you
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:36 am)
Why? You're doing quite fine. Try and brush your hand against his and gauge his reaction
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11:36 am)
Its not about me kaeya, its about you
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:37 am)
What do you mean?
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11:37 am)
three o clock
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:37 am)
...I hate my life so much right now
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (1:28 pm)
ohhhh buddy that was the most awkward Ive ever seen you be
Kaeya Albe-Rich (1:28 pm)
Can't you leave me to die in peace?
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (1:28 pm)
'Oh, uh, Diluc, fancy meeting you here!'
I was fucking crying lmao
Kaeya Albe-Rich (1:28 pm)
Yes, and he gave me the most scathing glare
I really am not sexy enough
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (1:29 pm)
my only concern is that zhongli was so suspicious that you were even in the area
he even asked me if you had been there the whole time
You have put me in a perilous state with him mate
Kaeya Albe-Rich (1:30 pm)
He never even looked at me. He just brushed me aside and walked to the counter
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (1:31 pm)
Aw, don't be sad sweetie. He probably was more into the counter than he was into you
Kaeya Albe-Rich (1:31 pm)
Hey at least I offered to pay for his food. He simply told me, 'No need. I can pay for myself.'
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (1:31 pm)
Hes from a filthy rich wine industry, Kaeya. Hes probably richer than you
Kaeya Albe-Rich (1:31 pm)
You wanna bet?
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (1:31 pm)
All in, sucker
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11:35 am)
AFSJIasjfasofhqoiiqhegioasdfjsao
JASJDJASODIWEoghaojfoiJOIASJFOIJSA
HHghhasfhoHHHHHHHHHHHH
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:38 am)
Well, good morning to you, too.
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11:38 am)
I've seen the heavens
I've descended to nirvana
I will gladly die in peace now. Shove a spear into my heart
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:39 am)
And what is this about?
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11:40 am)
He smiled at me
like actually smiled. A small quirk, but he SMILED
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:40 am)
Did it look like a demonic creature?
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11:41 am)
He was so beautiful, kaeya. so beautiful. he actually had to suppress his smile after that. he even told me, 'You are a curious one, Tartaglia'
From him, thats probably a marriage confession
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:41 am)
Congratulations. When's the wedding?
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11:41 am)
Pending. I am going to double my wooing
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:42 am)
Want me to sponsor your roses?
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11:42 am)
Fuck yes please. I'm broke
Kaeya Albe-Rich (11:42 am)
I did not think you'd actually take up that offer
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (11:42 am)
You know Im thirsty
Kaeya Albe-Rich (4:56 pm)
Well, Tartaglia, it looks like you're not the only one with a good day after all
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (4:56 pm)
ooooo whats the juice
Kaeya Albe-Rich (4:56 pm)
So remember that Diluc rejected me from purchasing his meal?
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (4:56 pm)
Oh, yes, how could I forget. It's in my list of "the few times Kaeya Alberich gets rejected"
Kaeya Albe-Rich (4:57 pm)
Apparently, he felt bad about it. He told me, "I'm sorry, I was quite rude the other day. Let me make it up to you for it."
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (4:57 pm)
You didnt ask for sex did you
please tell me you didnt
we were doing SO well
Kaeya Albe-Rich (4:58 pm)
Of course I didnt. With someone that skitterish, you want to drag them in slowly
I asked for a meal he could purchase for me. I got myself a date
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (4:58 pm)
You cant see this right now, but I'm wiping a tear
My child has grown up so well
Kaeya Albe-Rich (4:59 pm)
You know I'm just trying to get in his pants, right?
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (5:00 pm)
ohhhh kaeya, be careful what you wish for
he's gonna break your heart
Kaeya Albe-Rich (5:01 pm)
I don't have a heart
Childe Tarta-I'm-Done-With-Ya (5:01 pm)
Yeah, cause Diluc stole it from you
youre fucked lmao
Kaeya Albe-Rich (5:02 pm)
I am not