Chapter Text
It’s been three days since Ludger impaled Julius on his spear and destroyed Julius’ perfect world, and he has yet to return home. There is too much of Julius in the apartment that they share and while the chores are building up Ludger cannot bear to do the laundry. It has always been his responsibility to launder Julius’ clothes as well as his own, and he thinks that if he tried now, he would just curl up around one of Julius’ shirts and struggle to breathe around the grief that always sits on his chest now.
He does not have time for that.
Instead, he has spent the last three days charting a path through the Land of Canaan. The topography of Canaan is subject to the whims of Chronos, who knows that they are there and would not be sad if all the scions of Kresnik died on the path to Origin, and so the land itself is treacherous. Parts of the path disappear once weight is put on them, and every time they leave and come back, the path changes. Rowen is sure that there is a pattern to the changes, but for now they must plot a new course each time.
The soul bridge permits multiple uses; they learn this when Elize accidentally sends Teepo back to Marksburg, and the soul bridge does not snap closed afterward and leave them trapped in Canaan. Muzét is impressed, and says that she could not create a similar rift in space-time and hold it open as long as Julius has. Jude wants to study the mana flow to work out how it is that Julius, someone utterly without magical ability, was able to create a stable rift that still remains open. Rowen imposes strict rules about how long they are to stay in Canaan, citing the fact that Milla cannot hold the summoning circle for the Four forever, and they will make mistakes if they over-exert themselves. Gaius just folds his arms and says that he will continuing the summoning should Milla fall, while Alvin shakes his head.
Ludger is grateful that they are here with him at the end, but he just wants to throw himself at the maze until it breaks down under the force of his will. Unlike Jude and Rowen, he does not enjoy riddles. While Jude and Rowen draw their maps, Ludger stares at his too-clean hands. They should be caked in gore from the worlds he has killed, from the people who have died to bring him this far, and they remain stubbornly clean. Gaius, Milla and Alvin keep a watchful eye for monsters while this goes on, standing guard over Jude and Rowen while they put pen to paper and try to solve the riddle of the changing paths.
Today, the mapmaker is Jude — Rowen remaining back at the entrance with Gaius, Elize, Leia and Alvin to turn their scribbled efforts into a map worthy of staging an assault on a Great Spirit — and he is directing the party through what he thinks might be the safest route. They haven’t gone this way before, and Ludger is not as sure-footed as he normally is, so it’s not a surprise that he places his foot on a part of the path that is no longer there. He catches himself before he falls into the void between dimensions, but the noise of his scuffed footsteps attracts the attention of the shadowy, strange beasts that haunt Canaan. Three of them come, strong and fast. With the miasma everywhere, the fight must be done quickly and bloodily. Otherwise, they run the risk of Milla being knocked out of the fight, even temporarily, and drowning on poisonous air.
Milla strikes at the monsters with a combination of magic and sword work, her face a stoic mask of concentration as she maintains the summoning arte keeping the Four Great Spirits’ shield in place. For anyone else, such a feat would be impossible. However, Milla is a person who does not know the meaning of ‘impossible’, and so stays ahead of the monster attacks with nimble footwork and blasts of flame.
Ludger knows that Milla is doing this and how impossible it is because he can hear Muzét’s commentary in the back of his mind as she teleports Milla out of danger when a monster comes too close. Muzét’s commentary is a breathless gushy stream of consciousness about how amazing Milla is, with a side of how amazing Muzét is at keeping her little sister safe and how now Milla will admire her big sister and then her friends will be Muzét’s friends too. If it were any other situation, if Ludger were less exhausted, he would be able to smile at how peculiarly charming Muzét’s devotion is.
Instead, sweat trickling into his eyes and sticking his hair to his forehead in damp tangles, he is struggling to stay one step ahead of the monsters’ attacks. Chronos is not playing fair — though he never did — and when the battle began the monsters were not in the same place as where Ludger saw them. Fatigue makes him slow and clumsy, his blades resting in hands that feel more like blocks of wood than flesh and blood, and he has to take risks he ordinarily wouldn’t in order to cut a path through. Fortunately, Jude is nearby, channeling spirit artes to support the party.
Ludger flips over one of the shadowy scorpions, landing behind it in an acrobatic move that would have made Julius proud to see it — no, don’t think about him now — and strikes at the tail to remove the threat of its poison. The monster tries to pierce at him with the tail, he blocks the blow with the blade of his left sword and then sweeps his right sword across to score the base of the tail. It cuts deep, and the monster screams and lashes out at him. He dodges the first blow, ducks the second, and steps in quickly to strike at the monster’s exposed underbelly.
His blades tear into the monster’s flesh and its screams change pitch. The monster’s strikes become wild, frenzied, and Ludger almost manages to avoid being hit by them. However, one gets lucky, clipping him hard against the temple as he tries to step out of the way, and he goes down. He hits the ground hard and lies there stunned. He knows that he must get up, but cannot work out how. Jude, always a good linked partner, pulls him to his feet, then whips right into the last monster’s blind spot and strikes at it with his gauntleted fists. The blindside is beautifully done, and followed up by a kick that Ludger knows from experience is harder than Jude’s build would lead you to believe. The monster is pushed from the edge of the path and falls into the emptiness that surrounds them.
That done, the four of them take a moment to catch their breaths.
“Are you all right?” Milla asks Ludger, wiping her blade against her skirt to clean it of gore before sheathing it. She does that a lot, and Ludger has learned not to wince when she does it. “That looked like it hurt.”
Ludger touches his temple, but it doesn’t feel like it’s bleeding. His head aches, but that’s not unusual of late. He’s had a headache for days now, one that gets worse the more exhausted he is, and it seems resistant to the usual painkillers. Julius would say it was stress, and that he needs to stop worrying, but of course Julius is not here to say that to him anymore.
“Yeah,” he says, smiling sheepishly and moving his hand to the back of his head to rest at the base of his skull. “It was just a lucky blow.”
Jude is studying him with that sharp-eyed intensity that means that he’s making connections that only Jude can see, tapping his finger against his temple in an unconscious tell. Ludger lets his hand fall to his side. With the adrenaline fading, it’s almost too effort to keep his hand up.
“You’ll have to be faster next time,” Muzét says, crossing her arms and frowning. Internally, she’s far more distraught, crying I can’t protect you and Milla! You’re not allowed to get hurt! Which does little to assuage Ludger’s guilt. Next time he’ll be better, faster, stronger.
Out of the corner of his eye he can see Jude shake his head once, having come to a conclusion. “It’s getting late,” he says. “Let’s head back and come again tomorrow.”
Ludger wants to protest that he can keep going, because at the heart of the maze is Elle and they are her only hope of salvation. However, he also knows that Jude is right. There will be a fight to win Elle’s freedom from Bisley, and they must be at their best for that fight. In his pocket he can feel the tick of his pocket watch, and while that only goes so far to reassure him that Elle is alive, he knows that he will do her little good if he dies before saving her. So he follows after Milla and Muzét as they retrace their steps to the platform where the others are waiting. Jude is a step behind him, though Ludger does not know why.
As they draw close to the platform, Ludger can see that Leia, Alvin, Elize and Rowen are seated on the ground, playing poker, while Gaius looms over them and stands guard. He clears his throat at their approach, and Leia looks up. Her eyes widen in recognition.
“Back so soon?” she says, on seeing that there’s no immediate threat. She tilts her head quizzically as she looks at Jude.
“It’s later than you think, so we’re heading back,” Jude says. Leia frowns, confused, and then realisation dawns. She nods and Ludger can feel the strange, unsettling feeling of healing artes being cast on him. His injuries, mostly shallow cuts and bruises, heal up cleanly. The headache remains, as does the bone-deep exhaustion.
“A wise idea,” Rowen says, standing up with a litheness that belies his age. “It looks like we’ve all made very good progress.”
“And it’s almost Elize’s bedtime,” Alvin chimes in, and grins at Elize’s narrow-eyed glare and Teepo floating menacingly in his face. Ludger waits for Elle to say something sarcastic or bratty to Alvin for being mean to Elize, then closes his eyes when nothing is forthcoming. However, he cannot spend time dwelling on what he is unable to change. Instead, he follows the others through the soul bridge, sparing a moment to gaze at Canaan before stepping inside. The transit is almost instantaneous. Almost.
Jude has a theory about how the transition puts a strain on their bodies because their internal sense of time has to sync with the reality they are currently in, and because Canaan has such a strange concept of time, it takes a moment to adjust. It’s a clever theory, and would explain why they always feel out of breath when they come back to their world, and why it takes a steeling of will to exit the soul bridge.
Ludger thinks it’s because he wants to hear Julius one last time and if he stays in the soul bridge long enough, he may hear his voice. It’s not a sentiment he’s shared.
As they emerge into the bright, loud town of Rieze Maxia’s half of Marksburg, Ludger stumbles. That’s not unexpected either; the transition is hard and he was exhausted before they went through. What is unexpected is the wave of dizziness that sweeps over him, like when they exited the Epsilla Ruins only far worse. Everything is too bright and loud and he cannot see through the halo that every object and person seems to have. He swallows, swaying on his feet, and Jude and Leia catch at his elbows. His head spins, he can hear Jude say something from far away, he can feel Leia’s fingers tighten around his elbow as she channels magic into him, and then he feels nothing at all.
The ground is rough and cold even through his shirt and he can feel someone’s hand wrapped around his wrist, two fingers pressed against the delicate skin of the inside of his wrist. He feels terrible, weak and dizzy, but he wants to know what is going on and who is touching him, so he forces his eyelids to open. He blinks, trying to bring the world back into focus, and it takes him a minute to understand that he is lying on the pavement in Marksburg and Jude is kneeling next to him. His hair covers his face while he takes Ludger’s pulse, but from what Ludger can see of his expression, it is professional impassivity. Ludger remembers that Jude’s title of ‘Dr Mathis’ is for medicine, not pure research. It’s hard to remember that sometimes.
“Take it easy,” Jude says, resting his hand on Ludger’s shoulder. It’s enough to keep him in place, as Ludger is too weak and wrung out to think about resisting the gentle pressure of Jude’s hand. “You’ve been working too hard lately.” Ludger cannot see the others, which should alarm him, but he’s sure that if they had gotten into trouble while he was unconscious, Jude would be with them instead of him. He closes his eyes in resignation, because what he does know is that he is not working hard enough to stop his exquisitely slow drowning under the weight of everything he has done. He doesn’t know how Julius managed to keep smiling under this weight. He wishes Julius hadn’t had to do it alone.
“Ludger?” Jude says, and Ludger opens his eyes.
“I’m okay,” he says. “I haven’t been sleeping well, that’s all.”
“I thought that was it,” Jude says. “I sent the others off to get a hotel room.”
Ludger thinks he can sit up and tries. Jude steadies him, resting a hand on his back in case he falls backward.
“Thanks,” Ludger says, and accepts Jude’s help in standing. Jude’s hand rests on his elbow to steady him, but he thinks his head is clearer now, and he can walk to the hotel, at least. It’s not far. He is, however, grateful for the prospect of a bed.
The hotelier doesn’t bat an eyelid at the scene of two battle-weary men, one guiding the other’s steps, looking at them with the disinterested gaze of a man who has seen this all too often and has learned to expect payment up front. Ludger fumbles in his pocket for his GHS, knowing by now the routine.
“Don’t worry about it,” Jude says. “We’ve got enough money on us to cover it. Besides, do you really want Nova to call you right now?”
“No,” Ludger says on a sigh. He does not relish explaining to Nova why he was in Marksburg, with the company he is with, when he should be in Trigleph running Spirius Corporation, and why he is spending money that really should go towards paying his debt.
Jude walks with him upstairs to their room, steadying his steps as his falters, and guides him to a bed. Ludger’s descent is more of a fall than a controlled lowering, but Jude’s hands are strong as they help him lie down.
Jude starts to leave, and then pauses at the door frame.
“I don’t know if anyone’s told you,” he says, leaning against the door frame, looking both sombre and unusually nervous. “Milla died once to save us from the Lance of Kresnik — not the little ones that Spirius were using, but a big one to break down the schism.” He took a breath, swallowed. “When that happened, I couldn’t do anything. Or, I didn’t want to do anything. Leia had to protect me from everything.”
“I’m sorry,” Ludger says, because he doesn’t know what else to say. He hadn’t supported the Otherworld Reactor Plan, but he hadn’t been involved in stopping it either.
“It wasn’t your fault,” Jude says. “I just wanted you to know that I couldn’t do what you’re doing. I couldn’t be that strong, and I really admire you.”
“Really?” Ludger says, surprised. Jude is one of the most admirable, determined people he knows, whose response to a problem that has plagued Elympios for thousands of years is to set his shoulders and resolve to find a solution despite the fact that Elympions just like Ludger tried to kill Jude and everyone he loves. It’s humbling to know that this person considers him to be strong.
Jude blushes under Ludger’s startled scrutiny. “Anyway,” he says, rubbing the back of his head. “I just wanted you to know that no matter what, we’ve got your back. But for now, you should rest.”
He closes the door behind him, leaving Ludger alone with his thoughts.
He doesn’t think he’s strong. He doesn’t think he is admirable, and while he wishes that Jude’s praise was true, it’s unexpected because Ludger knows that he is only able to keep going because he must. If anyone else could be the scion of Kresnik that compels Origin to save the prime dimension, he would let them, but there is no one he would trust to get it right. Not now, anyway. Ludger reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pocket watch. He’s not sure whether to call it his or Elle’s now. Maybe it’s better to say that it’s both of theirs, a symbol of the connection that they have, and of the promise he has made. He holds it close to his ear, and closes his eyes to allow himself to listen to the soft, steady, tick-tick of the the watch.