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The warning bell rang at Arkadia High School, blaring through the hallways and cutting through the chatter to remind students that lunch was almost over. It was time to grab any last items from their lockers before making their way to class for the afternoon.
Shoving past a couple of awkward sophomores making out by the drinking fountain, Clarke Griffin pushed her way back to her locker.
The first week of school was always the worst.
The high of summer was still in the air, the sun and excitement of the break still buzzing in people’s veins. Freshmen who had no idea where they were going in the labyrinth of a school. Trying to figure out what classes were going to be a shitshow, which ones you could text in, and which ones were going to actually be fun. But she was a senior in high school so all of them were essentially important. And as a senior, she was also completely over all of the chaos that high school brought with it.
It was that internal rant she was monologuing to herself when her locker slammed shut in front of her face.
“Are you excited for the opening game tonight?”
She looked over at the pointed expression of her best friend, Wells Jaha, and rolled her eyes.
“Of course I am, why wouldn’t I be? I’ve been kicking everyone’s asses into shape and it’s a home game. It’s the best the team has ever looked too,” she replied loftily. She knew what he was referring to and she wasn’t going to fall prey to his weak attempts at an admission.
He merely arched an eyebrow at her.
“You know I wasn’t talking about cheerleading. Doesn’t Bellamy go to Polis?”
She frowned at his candidness. Okay, so he was going to just be up front about it then. This was what she got for texting him about her summer experiences that night before school started.
But before she could respond to him, explain to Wells that she had absolutely no idea what he was talking about despite knowing exactly what he was talking about, her eyes caught someone’s over his shoulder.
Mechanically a huge smile broke out on her face and she waved, making Wells turn to follow her gaze.
“Finn! Over here!” She cheerfully called out.
Finn Collins, her boyfriend of a year and a half. Captain of the football team, perfectly mirroring her as the captain of the cheerleading team. Even his floppy brown hair, shiny and soft despite the garish fluorescent lights of the hallway, exuded the essence of high school stardom. He had on his letterman’s jacket for the big game tonight and he moved through the hallway with confidence, clapping hands on friends’ shoulders and fistpumping fellow teammates. The grin on his face was his usual lopsided one, growing softer as he joined her and Wells.
“Jaha,” he said with a nod towards him before leaning and kissing Clarke on the temple. “Looking good in the uniform, sweetheart.” His whisper tickled her ear and she tried to accept the compliment despite his use of her least favorite pet name for her . It reminded her too much of old creepy men at the golf courses her dad sometimes dragged her to.
“What were you two talking about?”
Wells opened his mouth and Clarke’s eyes flashed at him. Confusion flitted across his face, too subtle for anyone else to have picked up on it. But Clarke had known him since they were four and she caught it. But more importantly, he seemed to have picked up what she was trying to telepathically tell him.
“I was just asking Clarke if she was excited about the game tonight!” Wells quickly said. “How much do you think you’ll beat Polis by?”
It wasn’t a lie. It was what he’d technically asked her.
But now he was genuinely asking about the game instead of using it as a vehicle to talk to her about other shit that she didn’t want to talk about. Nothing she needed to talk about because now Finn was here and Finn was perfect. They were perfect, just like they were supposed to be. She could feel Wells’ eyes burning into her while Finn began to talk about how great the football team was going to be this year. She ignored him. She didn’t want to think about the relief that flooded her when Finn didn’t pick up on the conversation that had almost happened.
She watched as a couple people walked by them, cheering at the two of them and chanting about the game as they heckled them. Someone yelled at them to kiss for good luck.
Clarke hoped the smile on her face didn’t look forced.
The little girl in her had one day dreamed of this. Popular cheerleader dating the star quarterback. Everything about it, all the way down to her blonde hair held back by a large bow, was the quintessential American dream. As Finn’s dry lips pressed against hers, even Wells smiling reluctantly at the interruption, she closed her eyes and wondered if it was supposed to feel better when you’d “made” it.
Because wasn’t that everything she’d experienced so far? Not many people could claim that they got to have the dream high school experience. Her mom had gone from surgeon general to mayor, championing the idea of turning Arkadia around and putting the people first. Her dad was the head architectural engineer at Eligius, the cutting-edge tech company that was headquartered in town. She was top of the class, captain of the cheerleading team for heaven’s sake.
But the charade of the kiss in the hallway felt as fake as all of this around her. As fake as the charade her family was putting on.
Divorce didn’t suit the magical story her parents had always presented. So the stack of papers on the kitchen counter were kept a secret, same as the late night arguments that left Clarke falling asleep with her headphones in. Anything to drown out the couple she’d once viewed as the ideal marriage.
Finn’s hand dug into her hip as they began to make their way to class.
Over the summer when she’d had time, she’d made sure to try to work out more than she normally did. The first thing he’d asked when he got home from Europe was if she’d gained weight. He followed it up with that she looked great , but the thoughts were there. Had she been too thin before? Was she too big now? It hadn’t come up since then but the thoughts were still there. But weight didn’t have anything to do with school, so she did everything she could to ignore it. Like all of Finn’s subtle critiques. Just like how he thought she’d be great in debate or trying to look into political science in college. Like him. She’d been slowly starting to research art therapy or art history instead, he’d never quite understood that path. And to be fair, neither did her mom. She hadn’t even had a chance to talk to her dad about it as he further retreated into his work.
Wells understood, but she hadn’t been able to connect with him as much recently. She didn’t want to connect it to her relationship with Finn, but wasn’t that just what happened when you dated people?
All of it was a whirl of thoughts that overwhelmed her though. It was easier to just focus on cheerleading and the football season coming up, the last one of her high school career. As they made their way into their AP Government class, she shrugged off the concerns. She didn’t have to think about what Wells had asked her about, she didn’t need to concern herself with that somewhere along the line he’d assumed that Bellamy meant something to her more than just an acquaintance. That temporary friendship got to be boxed up alongside her frustrations with her parents and with Finn.
There was no reason for her to dwell on any of this. Mr. Pike’s voice droned on in the front of class as he announced to everyone what they’d be covering today. Clarke pulled out her notebook, organizing her favorite pens at the top of her desk, before letting herself focus on the lesson.
It was senior year and everything was as good as it was going to get. She just had to make it to graduation in one piece, there was no reason to let these distractions get in the way.
Clarke didn’t know when Mecha was built, and for all sense and purpose it was just in an ordinary area. But as of the past decade or so, as the towns grew and areas were redistricted, it had found itself straddling the border between Arkadia and Polis. That wouldn’t have meant anything except it was the perfect place for high schoolers to hang out after school.
And especially after games.
There hadn’t been any fights, mainly because no one actually wanted to get banned from the diner, but it served as the perfect place to get a milkshake and burger while you also yelled at your rival school.
So even though Arkadia had beaten Polis in a nail-biter of a game, all thanks to a third-quarter touchdown from Finn that went unanswered, both schools were headed to the same place afterwards.
There was usually a pretty clear divide though. If it was after a school event, you stayed with your school or team. The only neutral territory was the bar where you ordered, at the insistence of the owner. Charmaine Diyoza was probably not nearly as terrifying as she put on, but that didn’t mean anyone wanted to cross her. Not when she had a huge scar across her throat and was the one in charge of making sure your burger wasn’t actually raw. She didn’t want any funny business near the money or where people picked up their food.
Clarke had never seen a fight there before. But she wouldn’t count it out before she graduated.
She knew a handful of kids from Polis after growing up here her whole life. Camps, league sports, just hanging out. A few kids that had transferred. It wasn’t a lot but just enough that she could nod her head at them politely as she made her way towards her favorite booth.
Chocolate milkshake in hand, she wove past a couple groups (Monty and Jasper definitely had hot boxed before coming here –– gross ) before sliding into the cold, red leather seat. It felt great to sit after standing and cheering during the whole game. She found herself getting lost in thought, watching the slow-spinning neon sign out the window and taking big gulps of her shake. Totally worth the potential brain freeze.
“But soft, what fluorescent light through yonder window breaks? It is the sign, and Clarke Griffin is the head cheerleader this year.”
The rumbling voice that whispered low into her ear made Clarke nearly jump a foot out of the booth. Only inches away from knocking over her milkshake, she turned around to glare at the smirking face of Bellamy Blake. His hair was still damp from a shower post-game, the curls just beginning to flip every which way as they dried.
“Jesus, warn a girl next time instead of giving her a heart attack,” she hissed, carefully pushing her glass closer to the middle of the table and hopefully out of harm's way.
“Is reciting Shakespeare not enough? Would you prefer a different author?”
He was teasing her and it made her grit her teeth. But she also flushed at the belated realization that he’d somehow noticed that she was the captain this year. She was pretty sure she’d never told him that. Which meant he’d seeked her out at the game.
“Your revision of it was lacking in iambic pentameter,” was all she could grumble out.
The rich navy blue of the Polis’ letterman’s jacket on him was flattering against his skin tone, even in the buzzing neon cast from the lights outside. She supposed his line was clever enough, she was sitting beside the window and the light was no doubt illuminating the ends of her hair. But the poetic nature of his comment didn’t outweigh the fact that he didn’t know how to just leave her alone.
He simply continued smirking though, leaning with one elbow on the back of the booth behind her. He was horrible about personal space.
“What do you want Bellamy?”
“Are you alone? Or is your star quarterback of a boyfriend lurking about, trying to brag about his lucky touchdown?” There wasn’t any heat to Bellamy’s voice, still smiling as he grinned down at her.
She wasn’t sure if it was an offer to join her and she almost balked at the idea. The synthetic polyester of her cheerleading uniform on her, the dryness of the coated mascara on her eyelashes, all felt like restricting reminders of the sides they were on, both literally and figuratively.
“Finn’s getting our food,” she responded. Bellamy’s nostril flare was impossible to miss at the mention of his rival quarterback.
Because of course Bellamy was the star quarterback at Polis.
He and Finn weren’t exactly friends, actually quite far from it and veering into rivals, though she didn’t quite know what it was that they held against each other.
“Excuse me, I’m pretty sure the rest of your losing team is in the back corner,” came a cool voice from behind them. Speak of the devil .
Clarke’s eyes lifted to see Finn standing beside Bellamy, holding onto the plastic trays of food in hand. While he had a slight smile on his face, the tightness in his eyes were only one small detail in the sudden tension that filled the space. Even though everything around them continued to bustle with business and loud students, this table felt like it was isolated. A beacon of pressure cast down on them.
“He was just leaving,” Clarke quickly intervened. She shot a reproachful look at Bellamy. She didn’t want him to think she was mad at him, but she certainly didn’t need him hanging around right now.
“Don’t worry Collins, Princess over here didn’t spill any team secrets. We’ll get your asses next time,” Bellamy said with a cocky grin. Not caring about a response from Finn, he shouldered his way past him. As he cleared him, he looked over his shoulder and gave Clarke a salute.
“Parting is such sweet sorrow.” He winked at her and then strolled back into the corner to a cacophony of whoops and hollers from his classmates.
Clarke hoped the lighting of the diner at night was enough to hide her burning blush that was threatening to form on her cheeks.
“Does he always talk weird?” Finn rolled his eyes as he dropped into the booth beside her. He slid her tray over –– he’d gotten her some type of veggie burger. No doubt because she’d requested a milkshake, though she knew he’d argue that she liked them so no reason to not eat it. Digging into his own full-loaded beef burger with a huge bite, he cast a long glare at the table in the corner. “Didn’t know they taught such big words over in the Dead Zone.”
Such a stupid nickname for a high school that had a much worse reputation than it deserved. Even her mom, a usually harsh critic, had always remarked that for a city school, Polis had great numbers coming out of it. But it couldn’t shake the Arkadian-bestowed nickname.
“It’s Shakespeare,” Clarke replied automatically.
Finn paused mid bite before shrugging and mumbling into the fries that he stuffed into his mouth that he knew that.
She highly doubted that.
“Why’s he talking to you anyway?”
The suspicion dripping from Finn’s voice was obvious; he wasn’t even trying to hide it. She wanted to snarl at him. As if he had any real reason to not trust her.
Her eyes slid back over to Bellamy’s profile though, sharp even with the distance of the diner between them. He was laughing at something some girl said, her ponytail slicked back and her dark hair almost purple in the lighting. For a brief moment, Clarke envisioned herself over there with the rowdy group, rather than sitting here quietly with just her boyfriend. She wished Wells had come.
“We were both volunteers at the library this summer,” she finally responded, realizing that Finn was still staring at her. “We aren’t friends but there wasn’t much to do so we hung out some. That’s it.”
His eyes were still narrowed but after a beat, accepted her response. Which was the truth, but something about Bellamy made things feel weird and different –– even without any reason for Finn to actually be jealous. She relaxed as he turned back to his food. Eventually one of Finn’s teammates joined them, a guy named Dax who Clarke couldn’t figure out, as well as a girl named Fox. The casual conversation between the others allowed her to zone back out, her gaze floated back to the slowly spinning sign out front.
A tiny thought lazily popped up in her mind. One she’d been slowly starting to entertain for longer than a nanosecond.
But it seemed silly to break up with Finn now.
It was their last year of high school, so what if things didn’t feel like they used to?
Especially just because he got testy about Bellamy. Bellamy –– the guy who she’d simply just volunteered with over the summer.
The volunteering at the library had been entirely for her resume. The art museum hadn’t had a vacancy for her so she’d selected something she’d assumed would be easy. Just something to pass the time between summer cheer training and researching colleges. Finn had gone to Europe with his family and she had just been here, what else was she supposed to do? Sit on her thumbs and pine for him?
There had been five of them working there. A girl, Luna, she recognized from the environmental club at Arkadia. Some guy named Murphy who she saw at the orientation day and then never again (though supposedly he showed up for all of his time slots). Then the third was a girl named Maya, who Clarke had bonded with over their shared love of art during their few overlapping shifts. But that had only been a handful of times over the summer.
The person she’d shared the most shifts with had been of course… Bellamy Blake.
After three years of being on opposite sides of the football field, they knew exactly who the other person was. Especially with who her mom was, it was impossible for her to maintain anonymity.
A fact that he was seemingly prepped to constantly remind her of.
They’d rotated in each other’s lives simply because of football and cheer, all of the way back to their respective freshman years. But they hadn’t really talked to each other before. So Bellamy had taken it upon himself to make up for that time. But all of their conversations had been rooted in either teasing her about her upbringing or her school. The other times were spent with him constantly flirting with her.
She would have been more annoyed by it if it had ever veered into gross or disrespectful, since he was clearly aware of Finn. And even with his flirtations, it never seemed to involve actually trying to win her over. Once he’d picked up on the fact that the Arkadia High princess, the perfect blonde cheerleader, was actually a nerd he’d turned it into a challenge. Literary and historical pick up lines, any time he spotted her working. Challenging her to see if she knew all of the references he used (of course she did).
She even knew it had been harmless because he’d seen him making out with some other blonde girl one day during his lunch break. So obviously it was all just a game to him.
There was nothing for her to feel bad about in regards to Bellamy, nor was there anything for Finn to worry about.
He was just Bellamy Blake, resident nerd and jock combo. That was it.
-------------
It seemed like a stupid idea when Finn told her about it.
And it felt equally stupid when they were sitting on the bleachers at the Polis High School football field to watch their rival’s play.
“I still don’t get why we’re here,” Clarke grumbled for what felt like the millionth time that night.
Despite the hot dogs being better here than they were at Arkadia (a fact she didn’t plan on relaying to Arkadia’s PTA), she still couldn’t piece it together why they were here. Or at least why they both had to be here or why Finn couldn’t have come with a teammate. He was lucky that cheer practice had been shorter today, she wouldn’t have been able to stomach missing out on that just to sit here at Polis.
“Reconnaissance,” he replied, his eyes zeroed in on the field in front of them. “Last game was way too close and Polis is somehow still undefeated since then. They’ve won the last four games in four weeks. And anyway,” his eyes flicked to Clarke, “you’re friends with Blake right? Figured your presence would make this less weird.”
Her jaw dropped.
“Nothing is going to make this less weird,” she hissed at him as they leaned back to let a family walk past them. “And I’m not going to just walk up to him after the game and ask him for his top secret tips for beating them. This is absurd.”
Finn stared at her for a long beat before looking back out at the game with a surly expression. Clarke glared at him for just a bit longer, then when kickoff happened, she resentfully pulled her gaze from him to watch the game as well. She might as well pay attention while she was here. At Mecha, the Polis team had been nearly insufferable with their enthusiasm after each game. Taking over the diner, making Arkadia have to retreat more to the back corner than normal. Of course it was getting under Finn’s skin. He was used to being the winner. But he was definitely overreacting about Bellamy. Despite his usual flirty banter he used when he greeted her, he’d never lingered with her as long as he had that night after the first game of the season. Unless Finn constituted Bellamy’s long stares she could feel at the back of her neck as some type of friendship, which it wasn’t. So that just added to how absurd all of this really was.
Despite all of that though, observing the game ended up thankfully being more entertaining that she’d even expected.
Clarke could instantly see why Polis hadn’t lost a game since the opening game with Arkadia. They moved with a fluidity that was impressive for a high school team, slipping past the Azgeda Mountaineer defense with ease. Polis was a smaller team, lacking the buffness of the bigger schools, but they seemed determined to make up for it with speed and agility. And from what Clarke could tell (and how it was reflected in their season record) it was working.
She also could tell that a large part of that was Bellamy’s leadership. She had to swallow back a cheer when he managed a good evasive move to dodge one of linebackers. In between plays, she could see him cheering on his teammates, pulling them aside to give them a pep talk. He’d clap them on the back, grin widely when his helmet was off. Whatever morale-boosting speeches he gave, they were effective.
It made her smile, despite not wanting to focus too much on him.
At the library he’d mainly been a thorn in her side. Constantly balancing the line of flirty and teasing. But even then she’d been able to admit when he put his mind to something, he was able to do it. He was no different on the field.
But it felt strange to be here watching him, with Finn right beside her. A small, nagging voice in her mind asked her to consider the possibility that Finn was testing her. But that was absurd and really, the reality was just that he was overly competitive and was letting unfounded jealousy seep into his drive for the Arkadia football team to be the best. And in the end, he roped her into it. It made her want to roll her eyes. It felt like he was knowingly making everything harder their senior year. As if he knew she wanted things to go well and he was finding ways to draw on all of his negative traits, ones she hadn’t seen until after the first year of their relationship.
And was this their new reality? Her thoughts strayed from the blow out of the game happening in front of her to overthinking everything –– as usual. When was the last time they’d even gone on a date that didn’t have to do with school or football? Finn would tell her that she’s misremembering. Or even just confused, because wasn’t this who they were?
Near the end of the third quarter, Clarke wasn’t sure of all of her thoughts. There was an echo of her concerns from the diner, that day Bellamy had come up, and Finn adamantly ignoring her at the game was only fueling it.
Beside her, a buzz erupted on Finn’s phone and he busied himself with it. Clarke was pretty sure it was Dax, a fact that made her roll her eyes. She didn’t really care for the running back from the team. There was something in his eyes that unsettled her, but Finn always insisted that she was being too hard on him. Something about always seeing the best in people.
“Be right back,” Finn announced suddenly, leaning over and planting a wet kiss to her cheek before jumping up to his feet. If he was going off to get drinks, he didn’t bother asking her if she wanted any.
Clarke sighed, slouching back down into her posture as she looked out at the game. But the distraction only lasted so long as her skin began to prickle with the sensation that someone was watching her.
After a couple glances around her, she looked forward again, convinced that she’d been imagining it. And looked right into the eyes of a student standing a few bleacher rows down, decidedly snapping her gum as she looked back up at Clarke. A quick peek behind her showed Clarke that no, the girl was most decidedly not looking at someone behind her. And no she hadn’t managed to spill any mustard on her shirt either, she quickly double checked. So maybe if she ignored her, she’d stop looking at her.
That didn’t appear to be the case.
The girl kept staring at her, assessing her. Clarke quickly tried to place where she might have met her since clearly this girl was focused on her. But she didn’t know anyone who played soccer for Polis, which this girl did according to the navy and white jersey she was wearing.
She had half a mind to finally just ask the girl what her problem was when she broke the ice herself.
“Aren’t you Clarke Griffin?”
The girl’s sharp voice turned suspicious and Clarke blanched at the sudden question.
“Uh, yes?”
The girl rolled her yes.
“Don’t sound so confused about your own name,” she said with some snark. “You worked with Bell over the summer.”
It was then the similarities pieced together. The rich brown eyes, the angular cheekbones. Similar, but just enough that she didn’t pick up on it right away.
“And you’re his sister, Octavia.” She’d heard only a few stories about her, Bellamy keeping mostly tight-lipped about his family. But the idea that he’d talked about her to his sister made her feel confused. Flattered, but confused.
Octavia nodded.
An awkward pause extended between the two of them as Octavia continued her study of Clarke. She wished one of the girl’s friends would look up from their phones, but they seemed determined to let whatever this was that was happening happen.
“What are you doing here? You go to Arkadia.”
Clarke fought back the urge to roll her eyes. How old had Bellamy said his sister was again? A freshman? Sophomore?
“I didn’t realize it was illegal for students to go to other school’s games,” she managed to reply. She didn’t need any sort of approval from the younger Blake, but she found herself annoyed at the idea that the girl had preconceived notions about her.
The combative nature of Octavia’s tone was either her natural way of speaking or imagined on Clarke’s part, because the girl ended up shrugging and giving her a smile.
“I guess not, just didn’t think a football game that didn’t include Arkadia was how I was going to meet you.”
The earlier confusion Clarke felt earlier inflated even more at that. The implication that somehow they’d meet at some point was startling to her and she almost blushed at the confirmation that Bellamy had indeed talked about her with at least Octavia. Who knew about the rest of his team or friends.
That seemed to be all the girl was interested in saying though, giving one long last look before turning back to her friends. The guy next to her, odd-looking goggles strapped to his head, shot a quick look up at Clarke before returning to whatever conversation they were in as the three of them made their way further away from her.
The rest of the game passed quickly, Polis making quick work of Azgeda. When Bellamy spun out of the arms of the defense and ran home one last touchdown to add to their victory, she found herself letting out a cheer alongside everyone else.
And then immediately dropping back down to the bench in embarrassment. But luckily, Finn wasn’t back.
But also it was absurd that he wasn’t back yet because all of this had been his idea and now that she was alone, she’d found herself rooting for Polis.
Sighing, Clarke shot Finn a quick text that she’d meet him at his car and then followed the crowds to the parking lot.
She felt a little silly waiting by herself, especially as the spectators thinned out and she was almost entirely alone. But that of course didn’t last long since with a groan, she watched as a freshly-showered Bellamy walked up to her, Octavia just behind him.
“Hey Princess,” Bellamy quipped, a roguish grin taking over his face. “Thought I saw you on the bleachers. What brings you here to the Dead Zone?”
She rolled her eyes, fighting back the quirk of a smile he was managing to bring out of her. The Princess nickname was from the summer at the library once he’d figured out who her mom was. For some reason it had grown on her since school started.
“It’s not that weird that I’m here,” she argued lightly. Everyone kept telling her that. “And you don’t have to call it that just because I’m here. Polis is a good school.”
“Wow, someone from Arkadia had something nice to say about us!” Octavia’s sarcasm was there, but her mischievous smirk reminded Clarke too much of Bellamy for her to take the comment personally.
“We’re not even that big of rivals, honestly,” she attempted again.
Bellamy shook his head emphatically.
“False,” he proclaimed, raising his arms up and gesturing around them and then between the two of them. “Two high schools, both alike in dignity. In the fair Dead Zone, where we lay our scene,” he recited, giving her a half-bow.
She couldn’t help but let out a full-body laugh at that. The posh accent he had attempted was atrocious, but the visual of the rival high schools mirroring the families in Romeo & Juliet made her smile. Despite the depressing reality of the play, it was certainly an apt (if not nerdy) comparison. Octavia coughed something along those lines under her breath, determinedly focusing on her phone instead of the two of them.
“You don’t even like Shakespeare,” Clarke replied with a grin.
He scoffed. “Nah, I just prefer his histories better.”
“Oh of course, how could I forget. Who doesn’t want to just wax poetry from Caesar all day long?”
“Trust me I thought about it, but it’s a lot harder to flirt with that play. Romeo & Juliet was too good to not use.”
The sudden shift in his expression and tone made Clarke pause.
Because Bellamy was such a nerd, she’d just assumed that was his humor. Off-the-cuff comments based on plays. But it seemed like he’d put more thought into it than she’d given him credit for.
She wasn’t sure how she was supposed to feel about that.
She didn’t have to figure it out though because Finn picked now, of all times, to stalk up to the car.
“Nice win, Blake. Lucky for you that Roan was out with a sprained ankle, Polis’ defense didn’t look too strong tonight.” If Finn was trying to sound actually critical of the game, he wasn’t successful. It was a half-baked complaint when the final score had been 42-6.
“I’m flattered you lowered yourself to come to our lowly stadium,” Bellamy responded unperturbed. But then a smirk slipped onto his face. “If the record stays like this, I imagine the next time I see you here it’ll be for the State Championship. Though,” he paused for dramatic effect, “I suppose you’ll still be in the stands since who knows if Arkadia will make it.”
Clarke jumped in between the two of them as Finn’s lip curled up in a sneer.
“Finn, you missed the end of the game. What’s up? Are you ready to go home or did you want to go out and do something?” She wasn’t interested in trying to patch up either of the quarterbacks if they actually got into a physical fight. And she knew neither coach would be too pleased.
Finn clapped his hands, his posture relaxing as he happily accepted her distraction. “Well actually I was just with Dax! He filled me in, there’s a party in Sanctum tonight. What do you say? Want to hit it up?”
The invite clearly didn’t extend to the Blake siblings still standing there.
Clarke considered it for a moment, chewing on her lip. She wasn’t much of a party person but she felt rattled. Finn never really tried to get her to go to parties, fully knowing they weren’t her thing. But maybe it could somehow be time for them to spend time together after he’d ditched her. Maybe to prove that things could be normal again between them, versus whatever they were now mixed with whatever weird feelings that Bellamy was making her experience.
She nodded goodbye to Bellamy and Octavia; Finn completely ignored them. And even when they were in the car, peeling their way out of the parking lot, Clarke could have sworn she still felt Bellamy’s stare burning into her.
She had to shake that off though. She had to shake it all off. So much of her carefully-laid plans for the year had worked out, she had to keep trying to fix it. After quickly changing clothes at her place and texting Wells that she and Finn would come pick him up, Clarke was then on her way to Sanctum.
Sanctum: the upper-crust neighborhood of the area. Its matching private school of the same name was the elite, private version of Arkadia. If Clarke’s mom had stayed a surgeon and not become mayor, she might have ended up there. As it was though, it looked better for her daughter to go to the public school and Arkadia was still in reality a better school. But everyone across the school districts agreed that Sanctum kids threw better parties.
At least that’s what they all said, she didn’t have much experience or really even care that much about them. Clarke didn’t mean to be a stick in the mud. She couldn’t help that she was more serious than most of her peers. It wasn’t even intentional and she knew that people thought of her as a snob, always looking down on everyone. It wasn’t her fault that it was just her personality and that everyone else around her was so immature.
That feeling directly translated to her thoughts about the party that she, Finn, and Wells were currently walking up.
As she watched some other seniors stumble out of the front door, yelling something indiscernible, she thought with a sniff that this was all way too cliche.
It was Josephine Lightbourne’s house, a sprawling craftsman style house tucked back in the neighborhood. Clarke had briefly known her when she’d attempted gymnastics as a young girl. Neither of them had the aptitude for it and last she’d heard she was a deadly addition to Sanctum Prep’s lacrosse team. The idea of Josie with a stick and permission to use it was equally entertaining and terrifying.
They weren’t exactly close friends. But that didn’t stop the other blonde from giving Clarke a bone-crushing hug as the three of them made their way deeper into the house. She rambled for a while, arm hooked through Clarke’s as she gave them a brief tour and pointed out where the drinks were. Her dad was some type of wealthy anthropologist and beside her, Clarke could feel Wells flinch anytime a drunk student stumbled near one of the many pieces decorating the walls. She didn’t blame, she had no idea how Josie didn’t even seem to care.
Eventually they each had a plastic red cup in hand, thrust at them by Josie’s boyfriend. Some college guy named Gabriel apparently. Him and Wells immediately started discussing something related to academics, while Josie started grilling Finn about his experience touring colleges. Apparently she also wanted to go into political science which made Clarke snort. Somehow Josie in politics seemed incredibly fitting.
That left Clarke to wander around on her own, slowly drinking whatever concoction it was that had been made. At least Sanctum parties had better alcohol than most.
She was studying a tapestry with two suns on it when she felt a presence behind her.
“You good, Clarke?”
She turned and gave Wells a half-smile.
“Do I not seem okay?”
He shrugged, stepping up to be alongside her. Somewhere in the back of the house a soundsystem thudded with the bass from whatever song was playing. It meant that he didn’t have to keep his voice down but they still had privacy.
“Ever since the first week of school, you’ve seemed off. I mean hell, you were off this summer too. You rarely talk to me anymore.”
Clarke swallowed, stubbornly facing forward and her posture rigid.
“Is it Finn? He and I are friends, I suppose, but did he say something to you?” He kept pressing on.
Clarke let out a long sigh.
“No, he never told me to not talk to you. I’ve just been busy and then it’s senior year and I still don’t know––I guess I’ve just been retreating.”
“That’s not the Clarke Griffin I know.”
Wells’ said it affectionately, but tears pricked at the corner of her eyes all the same. Maybe this liquor was stronger than she’d realized. And she hated that she knew he was right.
He turned to face her fully now, his grip tight on the drink in hand as he beseeched her. “Look, I trust you when you say Finn hasn’t said anything to you. But you weren’t like this before you started dating him. You’ve never been afraid to reach out to people, now it’s just him or no one at all.”
She waited a few breaths before forcing out in a wobbly voice, “It has to all be perfect this year, Wells. It’s senior year. I’m not going to break up with him just because we’re not in some honeymoon phase or whatever anymore.”
She wiped at her eyes, trying to not mess up her makeup. She didn’t need Finn thinking she was sad about something, bringing the mood down or overreacting.
Wells seemed to struggle with something to say, working his jaw frustratedly as he stared at her.
“You’d tell me if something was wrong?” He finally insisted fiercely. “Because you know I’ll always have your back.”
“I know, I promise,” she reassured him before leaning over and embracing him. She hadn’t realized the relief she felt at being reminded of Wells’ loyalty. And not that she’d ever questioned it, but hearing it was a reassurance she hadn’t realized she needed.
When they pulled back, he started to say something but then seemed to notice something behind her.
Wells let out an awkward cough. “Hey, you’re Bellamy right?”
Clarke whirled around as Bellamy shook Wells’ hand (in a rather overly polite way for a high school party). He’d cleaned up from after the game and she caught the knowing look in his eyes as they met hers. Wells muttered some sort of excuse about getting more to drink and then ducked away. She was once again reminded of him coming up to her that first week of school, curious about Clarke’s reaction to seeing Bellamy.
But it would have been too weird to panic now, to overthink it, so she turned to Bellamy with a smile.
“You didn’t tell me you were going to be here.” She pushed him lightly in the shoulder and Bellamy let out a chuckle.
“Wasn’t sure if he’d let you still come if he knew I was too,” he replied simply.
That startled her. Clarke moved to protest, but the way Bellamy cocked his head at her made her flush and close her mouth. There was something too knowing in his eyes and the worst part was, after the way Finn had been handling it all so far despite their purely platonic nature as friends, she knew he probably had a point.
After they sat in silence for a couple of minutes, Bellamy tilted his cup in her direction so that he could knock it against hers in quiet cheers.
“So how’d you like the game?” She expected him to be teasing, but Clarke was a bit surprised that it seemed like a genuine question.
“You guys are really good,” she found herself saying honestly. “Though your cheer team needs some tightening up, they didn’t have me screaming at them all summer.”
He got a good laugh out of that.
“I imagine you could whip any team into shape if you got in charge.”
She chuckled. “Sure. But I’ve seen you with your team, you inspire them. It’s all heart. I’m not sure I could do that.”
He paused, contemplating her.
It made her skin prickle but not in a bad way. Like he was reading her.
“We’d make a great team then.”
Clarke was prevented from being able to come up with any type of answer, no matter what it would have been, by the arrival of someone else.
“Blake, you’re needed.”
It was the ponytail girl from the diner. She still looked effortlessly cool, definitely too cool to be at this party.
“What’s up?” Bellamy frowned as he dragged his eyes away from Clarke.
“One of those Sanctumites came up and told me that Monty and Jasper are trying to get into the bucket,” she informed Bellamy. “Probably something that requires your level of intervention.”
Bellamy sighed, exasperation and amusement equally mingling on his face.
“I’ll go see what I can do.” His eyes lingered on Clarke as he began to move away. “Sorry for having to ditch, see you later?”
She didn't have a chance to respond before he disappeared into the crowd.
“I’m Raven by the way,” the girl said, unbothered by the lack of introduction between them.
“I’m Clarke, it’s nice to meet you.”
The girl, Raven, grinned almost cat-like. “Oh I know who you are.”
Letting out a surprised laugh, Clarke shook her head. “I guess I need to stop being surprised that his friends know who I am. Which is a good thing, I hope.”
It was Raven’s turn to chuckle, her sharp eyes sparkling as if she knew a great inside joke. Which she probably did seeing as how she was a staple in Bellamy’s group of friends at Mecha after every game.
“He never shuts up about the women in his life, especially when he’s single. You’d think he’s some pining hero in a novel the way he waxes on.”
Clarke couldn’t stop the flash of memory from the library of when she’d come across Bellamy making out with the blonde. It was just barely enough to distract her from what else Raven had mentioned.
“Oh, did he and that girl break up? Uh,” she struggled to find the words before half-ass gesturing at her hair. “You know, the blonde?”
Raven’s eyes narrowed over her cup as she tried to think about what Clarke was talking about before letting out a loud burst of laughter.
“Oh, you must mean Bree. Whenever she gets bored she calls him up and he just goes along for the ride. They’ve never even dated, he’s too much of a romantic for her.”
Clarke felt a wash of confusion cast over her, but not enough to miss the pointed way that Raven’s stare lingered on her blonde hair. The same shade as Bree’s.
“Well, thanks I guess for clearing that up,” Clarke quickly mumbled. “I gotta go find Finn.”
Raven gave her a half-wave, watching closely as she wove her way back into the crowd. She eventually found Finn, surrounded by a group as he talked about his summer in Europe. The only thing he seemed lately to be able to brag about. It was clearly enough of a distraction though that she was able to sidle up to his side without much of a disturbance. He simply gave her a lop-sided smile and continued talking to the rapt attention of some of their classmates.
Clarke looked around them, zoning out as she heard the same story for the millionth time.
Her mind was elsewhere.
On that apparently Bellamy might have a type. And that he was never seriously with that girl she’d seen at the library.
She was glad Finn hadn’t picked up on anything. Though the same couldn’t be said for Wells, who she noticed was staring intently at her. Knowingly and sympathetically. It made her quickly avert her eyes.
Maybe this was one more reason she’d felt herself pulled away from her childhood friend (despite what she’d attempted to tell Wells just a bit ago). He could see right through her, the discomfort she was beginning to feel with Finn and no doubt the conflict beginning to stir in her. At how easy it was to talk to Bellamy. At seemingly everyone’s concern for her relationship with Finn. She’d be the first person to reassure others that relationships shouldn’t be perfect, but instead she was putting that pressure on herself. And this party hadn’t been the solution she’d hoped for. Which had been a pretty flimsy idea to begin with, if she was being honest with herself.
But looking up at Finn as he talked, Clarke struggled to come to an immediate answer. If she could hold out until at least the semester was over, they’d be able to finish out the football and cheer season together. But then they’d be halfway through the year and might as well…
Clarke couldn’t stop the knot in her stomach from forming. And it wasn’t from the alcohol, she knew that.
Glancing away from Finn, she spotted Bellamy hanging on the fringe of the group. His eyes were locked on her. But rather than his usual smirk or cockiness, there was a bittersweet longing.
Her stomach swooped.
The picture-perfect plan she’d been trying to maintain felt like it was beginning to crack.
Her last period of the day on Fridays was study hall and Clarke was knee-deep in her notes for her English paper that was due next week. She figured she should get a head start on it before Homecoming completely overwhelmed her. It felt like all semester had been her just trying to reach this point and it was unsettling to try and process what that meant. If she just focused on schoolwork, things would be fine. That was something she could do.
Of course that task was being complicated by the presence of Finn beside her.
The party at Sanctum had seemed to widen whatever rift was happening. Not just with her and Finn, but with her parents. That perfect, suburbia dream that she’d cloaked herself in felt like it was beginning to fissure. Her parents' arguments and shouting matches had slipped into snarky, cold remarks that somehow felt worse. The seed of doubt that had begun to be planted earlier on about Finn seemed to have taken root at the party. The constant second-guessing she had to do around him was wearing her down. She wished it had felt more natural.
Like it had around Bellamy.
She adamantly shook her head at herself for that thought, pulling Finn’s focus from his phone to her.
Her growing distraction from Bellamy was detached from his literal Shakespearian level flirting. Everytime she thought she had a better grip on her relationship with Finn, she’d accidentally compare the two. But Bellamy, for as much as she had slowly gotten to know him over the summer and their multiple run-ins throughout the school year, he was still an unknown. He wasn’t supposed to be a part of all of this.
Finn contemplated her, studying her face closely. Clarke tried to not squirm as he did. It was like he was assessing her, trying to figure out what she was thinking. She didn’t know why he couldn’t just ask.
She turned the page in her notebook to start a new set of bullet points. He shifted beside her and for a brief moment, she closed her eyes as she prepared herself for whatever it is he clearly was trying to build up to.
“I know I’ve been encouraging some bad behavior. Parties, long nights at Mecha,” he began. Her ears pricked at the patronizing tone he immediately started with. “And with it being senior year and everything, grades are really important. And I know you’ve been stressed.” He reached forward then, gently lifting her hand up. The way his thumb circled against her knuckles was far from as soothing as it once had been.
“I think we should set a curfew for you.”
It felt like the floor dropped out from under Clarke.
She wrenched her hand from his, a gasp falling from her. His words were a sucker punch.
“Excuse me?”
“A cur––”
“Oh, oh I fucking heard you,” she snapped. “I was giving you a chance to try and say something different.” She felt like her entire body was shaking.
At the swear word, the librarian cast a glare at them. She was too far to hear everything though, to hear what had made Clarke snap.
“Sweetheart, calm down.” Finn’s placating attempt was pathetic. Fire burned in her eyes.
Jumping up out of her seat, Clarke knocked his hand away from her as she scrambled to grab all of her stuff.
Finn tried again, the concern lacing his words feeling like a poison with each one. “I think it would be good for you. Things have been strained, I know you want to do well in school. And the Homecoming game is coming up, it’s your first year as captain. I know you. You don’t get enough sleep when you’re stressed.”
He reached out his hand again and she slapped it again, a crack echoing around them.
This time the librarian stopped, pulling herself to her whole height. A few students leaned around their computers, not-so discreetly trying to see what the commotion was.
“If you touch me again, I will punch you in the goddamn nose Finn,” Clarke swore. When he stayed silent she swung her bag around her shoulder and stormed out of the library. Whatever conversation was going to happen wasn’t going to happen there. The cautiously concerned expression on the librarian’s face wasn’t enough to get her to pause as she strode out into the hallway.
“Clarke! Just please listen to me! Let me explain myself!”
He’d followed her out and she could hear his sneakers catching on the floor as he tried to catch up to her.
She whirled around, her own hair almost whipping her in the face as she came to a stop. Finn stumbled to a halt, thankfully taking her promise of punching him seriously.
“Explain yourself? I turn eighteen in December, Finn, where do you get off on trying to give me a curfew? Against things that, you even said yourself, you initiated. You’re trying to control me!”
“That’s unfair, Clarke, I’m trying to look out for you.”
“By controlling me!”
He frowned at her reiteration.
“You’ve been hanging with other people who might be bad influences, from their backgrounds. You just can’t trust them and I know you have really big goals.”
She scoffed. Who did she hang out with? She’d always been a loner, save for Wells and then Finn. And Wells was far from being any type of bad influence. She probably didn’t listen to him enough. As for anyone else, it was always just acquaintances, people who hadn’t been intimidated by her mom’s job or seen her as the icy cheerleader, but never close friends.
But then a flash of memories. Of Finn walking up to her at the diner, to him coming up to her after the Polis game. To maybe the party, even if she hadn’t seen him see her. All memories that involved a certain other quarterback.
“Is this––is this about Bellamy?” Clarke couldn’t help herself, incredulous as Finn shifted his weight nervously.
“I’m allowed to have friends other than you, male friends. And for you to insinuate anything about me is beyond insulting,” she hissed, barreling onward. “And any paranoia you might have is completely on you realizing that you’re being a complete dick in this relationship.”
When he continued to gawk at her, Clarke shook her head.
“This is so absurd. I know I should have said something when I first felt things changing, but this is too far and I won’t let this continue.”
“It’s senior year, Clarke!” Finn retorted, repeating her own weak internal mantra back at her.
“That’s not enough of a reason to stay together! I know that now!”
“We’re supposed to be perfect Clarke!” Finn finally shouted at her, his eyes widening.
“I’m not your fucking Barbie doll!” The words burst out of her and she almost stamped her foot against the ground.
Finn blanched.
Clarke was exhausted. This conversation was spinning in circles, even as everything was becoming even clearer to her. She now knew where Finn stood on all of this. Where he stood on her and how he thought their relationship should be. She was done making excuses.
“This is over Finn,” she spat out. “I can’t do this anymore.”
And without waiting for a reaction, she turned on her heel and began to head to the parking lot.
The hallway felt like it was closing in on her as she stalked through it. A few students at their lockers jumped in surprise as she stormed past, her shoes pounding against the floor.
Fuck it. It was just study hall, it was her senior year. No one would think to question the straight-A, captain of the cheerleading squad what she was doing leaving forty minutes early. No one ever questioned anything she ever did. So she was leaving. She had to get out of here. It would be impossible for her to work now anyway, with all of these thoughts spinning through her mind and making her spiral.
Clarke almost wished she had made some accusations of her own. Of how much he was listening to Dax instead of her, whatever he always disappeared off to do. She didn’t really have much reason to trust him, even less so than he had reason to trust her. But she hadn’t said any of that because at the end of the day, she’d thought they’d had a balanced relationship and those thoughts hadn’t ever stayed long enough for her to want to lash out at him. Not like he had to her.
She wasn’t going to fall to making half-bake accusations when she had enough right in front of her. Unlike him, she didn’t need an imaginary other person, or that maybe Dax had pulled him into something bad.
He’d controlled so many of her choices to the point of almost setting a curfew. He was blatantly suspicious of her despite her telling him the truth.
Enough was enough and she didn’t have to think up anything with her imagination when the reality was enough.
The sobs that pounded against her chest, threatening to spill out of her and leave her a shuddering mess in the hallway, managed to stay swallowed back until she was in her car.
She had to hold herself together, at least for now. She could almost laugh or she could almost cry. When she’d imagined this weekend, planning out how everything would go perfectly, she hadn’t pictured a screaming match in the hallway that resulted in a breakup. That had been far from the list, even with the occasional kernel of potential that had occurred to her throughout the semester. It had always just been a vague idea that she’d entertained when the relationship had felt strained.
Certainly not something she’d thought would be a good idea to do right before Homecoming.
Shit.
Homecoming.
She let out a long, shaky breath.
Fuck, this timing couldn’t have been any worse.
The Homecoming game was tonight, the dance tomorrow. One of which she most certainly had to attend, one that probably wasn’t going to be on her schedule anymore.
The drive home was almost a blur to her as she focused entirely not accidentally getting distracted. Racing inside, she narrowly dodged the housekeeper her mom had hired and sprinted upstairs to her room. She’d have at least a couple hours before she had to meet up with the squad for the game.
After spending what felt like half that time spent in a scorching hot shower, trying to erase the heartache and memories of Finn, and then following it up with laying in bed sketching out her feelings, it was time for the game.
She tried to ignore the fact that they were playing Polis.
It was some type of cruel fate to do this to her. Not when Bellamy’s name had been ungraciously tossed into the middle of her breakup. All because they’d volunteered together over the summer and he was actually funny. But she didn’t want to think about that so she threw herself into what she was there to do.
Cheer was a good distraction for now. Her team, even though they weren’t super close, respected her. Clarke was surprised that Finn hadn’t spread any rumors about her, but at least it meant that she was able to have normal conversations with her teammates. No one asked her about Finn; they were all too focused on getting ready for the big game. Monroe helped her lead the team in their stretching routine, the other girl’s sharp focus helping influence Clarke. Fox’s deft fingers help her pull back her curls into a high pony and get her bow just right, something even as captain she still struggled with.
The physical exertion from their routines pumped fresh oxygen and blood throughout her body, distracting from the emotional slump she’d been fighting. Around them, cheering and chanting filled the air. The rustle of their pom poms tickled her ears and each push off of the ground reminded her that she was strong. She had the ability to push through this.
The game was a rush, each team striving to win. Defense and offense went head to head, the clash of helmets echoing against the shouts from the stands and the cheering from Clarke and her team.
She couldn’t quite bring herself to feel as bad as the rest of her school when the final score came down to a missed field goal from Arkadia, leaving the score 28 to 27.
Sure, she plastered the sad expression on her face with the rest of the girls as they cheered for their team as the guys sullenly made their way back to the locker room.
But when she later was getting in her car, her duffel bag with her uniform and pom poms swung around her shoulder, she made eye contact with Bellamy across the way as he prepared to load up on the bus. Polis was ecstatic, finally getting their retribution against Arkadia after that opening game. Despite the raucous, it was like he knew to seek her out. He returned her smile with a wink.
The evening had been a quick one, primarily focused on a hot shower to wash away the sweat from the workout of cheerleading. Her mom was at a gala that night, one her dad had begged out of (immediately allowed) and one Clarke wouldn’t have had time to get to because of the game (much to her relief). So with her hair wrapped up in a towel, she burrowed herself in bed with a plate of chicken nuggets and her laptop open to do more research on art therapy.
Without the nagging voice of Finn telling her that she was wasting her time, it was a lot easier to dive into her multiple spreadsheets with information on each program.
When physical exhaustion managed to get mixed up in the exhaustion of fighting back angry thoughts about her ex, she knew it was time to finally get some sleep and help get this weekend over with. But as she moved to turn off the alarms on her phone, an idea popped into her mind.
She hesitated.
She wasn’t sure why she did, just that somehow this felt like a new leaf that she hadn’t realized she was approaching.
Still in her contacts labeled as “Bellamy Blake (library)” was his phone number. Never texted, never called. No shifts swapped over so no need to ask him for anything or to ever notify him that she would be late that day.
“Is this about Bellamy?”
Her question directed at Finn echoed for a moment in her mind as she stared at his contact information.
The thing was, it hadn’t been about him specifically. But he’d certainly represented what Finn hated, what he fought so hard to control.
CLARKE: Congrats on the win, you guys deserved it!
CLARKE: this is Clarke btw, from the library
She cringed at the awkwardness of the text, fighting the urge to hide her phone across the room and pretend she didn’t do it. So instead she plugged it in and let it rest on her nightstand like every other night, as if she wasn’t acting like a silly child. She was more than capable of texting people thank you very much.
That didn’t stop her from anxiously scrambling for her phone when it vibrated with new texts.
BELLAMY BLAKE (LIBRARY): lol I know who this is princess. and thanks :) happy to have you there cheering, even if it wasn’t technically for me lol
The “lols” made her smile. Despite his ease with people, it was clear he wasn’t a great texter. And something about that seemed fitting.
So she fell asleep with a faint smile on her face.
If her parents were curious about why she didn’t leave her room all of Saturday, they didn’t say anything. Everything was on eggshells here and now that she was almost done with high school, she was at an age where they didn’t feel the need to keep the masks on as well as they used to. Which suited her, it allowed Clarke to just lay in bed all day and binge-watch shows that Finn had scoffed at for being too low-brow.
Her phone buzzed and she quickly looked down, not even sure who she was really expecting to reach out to her. She hadn’t told anyone yet.
It was a photo from Wells, covered in paint from the paintball fight. The concept of doing group activities before a dance had seemed excessive to Clarke when the idea was first brought up. She was happy to go in a collection of dates to the dance, but once everyone had started talking about what they were going to do for the day of activity, she’d lost interest. And at the time Finn had also laughed about it as well, insisting that it was an attempt to just coax more money out of hapless students so they could just post on social media as a type of warped advertising. Even though he probably wasn't wrong, it was still a total buzzkill of a take.
But now it meant that it was easier for Clarke to hide from everyone so she simply shot off a bunch of emojis that felt appropriate. It was the first time she’d really smiled all day.
But her disappearing act only lasted so long, despite her best efforts to be invisible. Somewhere along the way, it had become the evening and that was enough to trigger an awareness to her family that it had been almost an entire day since they’d seen their daughter.
A knock on her bedroom door, startling her. She looked up to see her mom hovering awkwardly in the doorway.
“Are you okay, honey? I haven’t seen you all day.”
It dawned on Clarke that she’d never explained to her mom what had happened. An easy mistake, when the woman spent as much time as she could at work or locked away in her office. Her refusal to look anything but perfect in the eyes of everyone was something Clarke was only just now realizing had been a trait that had been passed down to her. And suddenly a lot of things made sense.
“Finn and I broke up.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry. When? I didn’t realize you two were on the rocks.”
Of course you didn’t, you’re too busy trying to save the world through being a small town mayor and Dad is too busy using his righteous morality to convince a corporation to build good things.
“Yeah, I guess it had been for a lot longer than I realized.”
“So what’s the plan for the dance?”
Clarke looked around her. “I––I don’t really know. I hadn’t even really processed that the dance was this weekend when we broke up.”
Her mom slowly sat down next to her, the mattress dipping slightly.
“I’m so sorry, honey,” Abby said softly as she reached up to gently tuck Clarke’s hair behind her ear. “Maybe you can still get ready though? It’s such a pretty dress, I’d hate for you to not get a chance to wear it. You could always just meet your friends there too.”
Clarke’s eyes settled on the dress, watching as it blurred slightly with the tears still threatening to spill out.
It seemed simple when her mom put it that way.
But she also wasn’t sure if she could bring herself to go through with it. To go and pretend to all of her classmates that everything was fine. Dealing with all of the sympathetic looks, probably wondering how sad she had to be to show up at Homecoming.
It could be worth it though. Wells was going with Fox as a strictly platonic situation, so she knew he wouldn’t care if she joined. He’d probably welcome it and help her trashtalk Finn while they danced like crazy in the corner.
It was tempting, but she couldn’t decide. Which meant she might as well get ready anyway. It was a cute dress after all. So she nodded her head and crawled out from underneath her blankets.
Getting ready for surreal. There was none of the bubbly happiness she’d expected to feel, that old feeling she’d had when she’d first learned about the boy-band looking football player also had a crush on her. Her last homecoming dance before going off to college. It was far from what she’d imagined.
But she let herself indulge herself in the time it took to do her makeup, making it heavier than normal. The dress still fit her like a glove and despite her knowing that she didn’t have to dress up to prove anything to anyone, it still felt good. She’d almost gone with a classic black dress, her go-to. But the vibrant red, almost berry-red with its cool undertones, had caught her eye. And before she’d known it she was purchasing the body-hugging dress and the accessories needed to match it. Maybe her unexpected choice had been indicative of how many surprises were actually in store for her this semester.
Standing in the front foyer of their house though, Clarke found she still didn’t know what she wanted to do. Finn hadn’t mentioned not going to the dance; it was easily a 50/50 shot of him being there. Seeing him there would make her want to leave as quickly as possible. Him not being there would be more pleasant, but it was almost a guarantee to cause a stir. She was already running late as it was.
Just as she was trying to decide though, shifting her weight uncomfortably in the heels she’d purchased, her answer was decided for her.
A double buzz came from her phone. Cautiously, Clarke pulled it out of the small shoulder bag she’d put it in and stared down at it.
Her screen lit up with the two texts from the guy that was now explicitly her ex-boyfriend:
FINN: in case it wasn’t clear, we’re done
FINN: thanks for wasting my senior year
She scoffed, dropping her phone back into her purse. He was such a fucking dumbass. Wasted his year? She thought about each of the times this semester he’d dragged her around and she’d convinced herself that it was for the best and that they were fine. None of this was her fault nor was she the one who was wasting anyone’s time.
Fishing her phone back out, she didn’t even give him the benefit of a response and simply left him on read before blocking and deleting his number from her phone.
Then, holding the phone in hand and looking down at herself all dressed up, Clarke realized she didn’t know what to do.
She sure as hell wasn’t going to go to the dance now.
Faintly in the distance, she could hear her parents talking. For once it seemed like a normal conversation. A comfort, at first. But then she realized it probably meant her mom was explaining to her dad what had happened and she couldn’t bear to see the way she knew he’d look at her when he came downstairs. The same sad way he’d looked at her after the first time she’d caught them screaming at each other. A look that didn’t do much to convince her that there really was love out there.
And right now, as raw as she felt, that sounded awful to her. Finn had ended up being terrible but the last she wanted right now was one more representation of a failed relationship.
That angry thought was followed by an aggressive growl coming from her stomach, both agreeing with her and also reminding her that with the dance off the schedule for the night she didn’t have dinner plans.
The image of her dad’s sympathetic expression grew stronger in her mind, her mom’s from earlier in her room.
No –– she simply couldn’t stay here for the evening. Not like this.
She was practically on auto-pilot as she began to drive. It was all instinct, her stomach and stinging heart guiding her.
She wanted a fucking milkshake. Cheerleading, weight, Homecoming, everything be damned. She wanted a chocolate milkshake with extra whip cream on it to drown her sorrows in.
Onward to Mecha it was.
The drive there was easy and she was almost surprised that she wasn’t crying anymore. The ache was still there, the pain of rejection raw. But there was a sliver of something else. The feeling of freedom. She could almost feel a breaking laugh bubble upside inside her. She probably looked like she’d lost her mind: mascara and eyeliner smeared around her eyes, her face blotchy from tears, in a Homecoming dress. A glance in her rearview mirror showed her that her assumption was correct.
For once, she found that she really didn’t care.
It felt like she’d gone through a complete emotional arc by the time she reached Mecha. Mourning the loss of normalcy, finally registering that the amount of relief she felt was not normal. And she was going to celebrate with her favorite, greasy diner food.
The night was still warm when she got out of the car, the fall’s impending chilliness still at bay. Which she was thankful for, considering she’d stormed out of her home without a jacket on. But stepping out into the parking lot brought on a rush of mild fresh air, tinged with the smell of burgers being cooked up. This was definitely better than whatever weird them the student government had picked this year; she hadn’t even paid attention to it.
A rabid amount of buzzing went off in her purse, vibrating it next to her side and drawing her attention from salivating at the smell in the air.
Glancing down at her phone, she saw a series of texts from Wells. They ranged from general curiosity to when she thought she’d get to the dance to simmering outrage as he passed along the information that he’d seen Finn and he was making out with some other cheerleader and for god’s sake Clarke, where the hell are you?
She let out a long, exasperated breath.
She probably should let him know that was still alive.
Just as she finished typing out a quick message, she heard the sound of crunching gravel as a car drove parked alongside her car. She didn’t bother to look up. There was no way it was anyone she knew, they were all at the dance.
She hit send just as footsteps came around the car. Seeing the explanation to Wells written out made the wave of sadness wash over her again. Not even mourning her relationship, but that the sense of normalcy that her senior year had was completely gone. It felt like it would all unravel from here.
She couldn’t dwell on it too much though because the footsteps stopped and it sounded like right in front of her.
Realizing the person must be staring at her, she quickly looked up.
“Bellamy?”
His eyes were wide as his eyes took her all in, his jaw slack.
“What are you doing here?” She couldn’t fight the sniffle back as she asked. It was only after she’d spoken that she remembered that the two schools had different Homecoming weekends; his wasn’t until next weekend.
With two large strides he was suddenly in front of her. He briefly lifted his hands up as if to reach out and touch her, but he hesitated and then brought them back down to his side. They clenched in and out of fists.
“Did he hurt you?”
The gruff question caught her off-guard before Clarke realized what she must look like to him. What he’d seen and picked up from her relationship with Finn, her distraught appearance. He hadn’t even needed to clarify what he meant or who he was referring to. They both could feel his phantom presence in the question.
She shook her head.
“No––no, not like that. I mean, he’s a fucking dick,” she let out a breathless burst of laughter, more bitter than anything else and looked away. “And he probably messed with my mind some but he didn’t hurt me.”
Bellamy was silent for a moment.
And then he gave into his earlier urge and he slowly, gently raised one hand back up to her face.
A sob caught in her throat as he gently traced down her cheek, following the makeup-smudged tear tracks. He then carefully tilted her chin to bring her gaze back to him.
“That’s still hurting someone.”
He spoke low, restraint apparent in the clicking of his jaw. He was angry but clearly wanted to make sure she knew it was directed at her. It was a skill that made her sad to realize he knew. Tears began to swell up as she found herself nodding to his statement. She knew that. She would have told anyone else to not brush it off, she didn’t have to ignore it just because she was the one who had experienced it.
“Do you need help? Need someone to punch him in the face?”
The second question was paired with a slight tease to his words, but Clarke had a feeling that he’d really do it if she asked him to. Or maybe even if she didn’t.
But she shook her head all the same.
“We broke up and I definitely… I don’t think I have to worry about him bothering me anymore,” she let out in a rush.
The more people she said it to, the more real it became.
Her heart that was pounding against her ribcage wasn’t broken, but was trying to be free.
“Well, good,” Bellamy settled on after trying to test out if he thought she was telling the truth. “You deserve better than him.”
Even without Bellamy’s usual flirting, Clarke felt like she could feel the rest of this statement that he’d held back. It was clear that he’d thought about her relationship with Finn before and his thoughts on it, and most likely how he’d prefer to fit into the equation. The idea of it didn’t surprise Clarke as much as she thought it might and she found a blush forming on her cheeks. It was something she was allowed to think about now, consider it at all.
A determined growl from her stomach reminded her why she was here though. And it wasn’t just to stare at Bellamy, despite how attractive he was.
“Have you already eaten?” She nodded towards the diner. He glanced back almost in surprise, as if he’d forgotten where they were.
“Not yet. Got bored at home and we’re out of the good shit, so I figured I’d come here.”
“Great!” She said back, feeling her mood begin to perk up. “You can join me.”
He eyed her warily but she could still see the interest sparked in his eyes.
“You wouldn’t prefer to be alone?”
She appreciated his hesitancy, but it was for naught for now.
“I insist, my treat.”
For a teenage boy, those seemed to be the magic words.
They walked over to the diner, falling into step with each other as if they’d done this all before. Clarke couldn’t help the small flutter in her chest as she stole a glance over at him. Luckily, he wasn’t looking at her when she did. For once.
But he’d gotten a good enough look at her before because when they stopped to walk in:
“I like that color on you, your dress,” Bellamy said suddenly as he pulled the door open to Mecha.
Clarke blushed at the compliment.
“You think I look good?” She asked shyly, though she couldn’t help the tinge of sassiness. She wanted him to say it.
He rolled his eyes. “You know you do, Princess.”
She smiled radiantly, walking past him into the diner. When she felt Bellamy’s hand settle on her back as he followed in behind her, she felt a familiar butterfly feeling emerge in her chest. A feeling she hadn’t really experienced in a while. Or maybe one that she’d ignored for her past relationship’s sake.
They filed into the diner. At the register, Diyoza was ringing someone up and she glanced over as the door chimed. Clarke managed to pick up on the woman’s face growing concerned, but then a slight pressure from Bellamy’s hand began to guide her over to a booth. Her booth. He helped her slide in, his hand transferring to hold her elbow as he helped get her situated.
“I’ll order for us, what do you want?” He asked, still slightly leaning over her as he did.
Finn hadn’t ever really asked her what she wanted, he always went off of an assumption or old habits without asking if she wanted to change it up.
She hummed, grabbing the vinyl menu from the back of the table and skimmed it. She knew her milkshake order already, so she rattled it off before staring at the menu for a little while longer. Her eyes landed on the side dish her dad used to always used to get.
“A large side of onion rings,” she said triumphantly, pointing it out on the menu.
“As you wish.” His grin was contagious.
It was only a few seconds after he’d left that Clarke quickly turned to shout at his retreating back, “hey you changed your quote’s source material!”
Something about the new reference made Clarke smile all the way up until Bellamy and the order arrived back at the table not long after. She definitely knew that he didn’t know The Princess Bride was one of her favorite stories, both in its movie and novel form.
A tray of piping hot onion rings and two chocolate shakes appeared in front of her and she beamed at the shake that was placed specifically in front of her.
It had a towering pile of whip cream, a bright cherry nestled in, and rainbow sprinkles.
Bellamy slid into the seat across from her, sporting his own smile. She felt herself go starry-eyed for a brief moment before refocusing herself on the food in front of her. She should probably be more careful about not getting grease on the dress but at this point she really didn’t care.
She allowed herself a few moments with just diving into the milkshake, letting the sweetness fill her up. It tasted just like it had when she’d come here as a kid with her dad, sneaking whip cream on his nose to distract him from the briefcase of work he always brought. As much as the memory almost made her cry, she chose to focus on the happy memories of it. And when she opened her eyes back up, she caught Bellamy staring affectionately at her. Maybe she would be able to have new memories here as well.
The neon lights reflecting through the window shone vibrantly against his dark hair and cheekbones. He always carried himself like someone who knew he was attractive, but Clarke had the sudden thought that he actually didn’t realize how attractive he really was.
He broke her out of her flustered thoughts with a nod in her direction.
“Alright, do you want to talk about it or be distracted from it?”
Clarke considered him as she thought about it.
“How about I rant about it for five minutes and then we talk about anything else? Just to not think about it then.”
He nodded and waited patiently for her to begin.
So she did. From the beginning.
Somehow the story of the suave, flirtatious Finn made even more sense now. The tight control on himself that inevitably turned on her. It probably would have at any time, but even more so as she had grown apart from him. She’d been so nervous and excited to start dating him, her real first boyfriend, that his thoughts had easily swayed her. His grip had only grown tighter the more aware she became of the world around her and the different paths they were going on. As much as she’d been trying to hold onto perfect through all of this, it was clear that he’d been panicking about it even more so.
Bellamy’s knuckles grew white on his own milkshake when she recited his suggestion of a curfew. Away from the moment, having already experienced it, it almost made her laugh at how absurd it was for it to have reached that point. But for Bellamy, it was new information and seeing his reaction proved to her that she hadn’t overreacted.
She finished on the note about the relief she’d felt once it was officially all over.
There was something satisfying about that part of the story, despite all of the doubt and discomfort she’d experienced as it hurtled towards the end. Knowing that she had been the one to actually end things. Her earlier hesitations had prolonged it, but she’d been the one to get to call it quits.
And then once it was all out, they got to switch over to the distraction part. While she’d originally thought being here alone would be what she needed most, Bellamy turned out to be the perfect person she didn’t know she needed there.
An underrated part of him, underneath the flirty jock exterior and the obnoxiously nerdy side, was that he was undoubtedly funny.
Clarke almost spit out her milkshake as he imitated one of his teammates, a guy named Miller who turned out to be his best friend. His stories of Polis were filled with anecdotes that almost felt fake if it hadn’t been for the fact that students there were more often than not considered delinquents in the eyes of suburban moms. He got her riled up by challenging her Jane Austen opinions, launching into an interpretation of Mr. Darcy that had her nearly falling out of the booth with laughter. As they swapped stories, turning into their dreams for the future, Clarke felt everything else around them fade away. It was just the smell of greasy fried food, bright neon lights, and Bellamy smiling at her as he made her laugh.
So few people were able to make her laugh.
Even his half-jokes, muttered under his breath after they watched Diyoza kick out some not-so-secretly drunk Arkadia students coming from Homecoming, made her laugh.
Some were full-belly laughs, her sides aching as she tried to catch her breath. Some were stifled, snorted into her milkshake as they watched the couple other students in the diner stumble around.
Eventually though, when even the most fervent sucking from the straw or tipping over of the glass couldn’t find any more shake, Clarke knew it was time to leave. Plus, Diyoza probably wanted to begin shutting down the diner for the night. Especially since over the semester so far, she’d seemingly become a lot more pregnant than Clarke originally remembered her being. But if the woman was anxious for them to leave, it didn’t show in her face as she gave them a sweet (if slightly knowing) smile as they made their way back outside. Stars had begun to twinkle overhead, the sounds of the sparse late night traffic of Arkadia in the distance. As they walked towards their cars, Bellamy’s shoulder gently knocked into hers as they walked. She wondered how much he’d thought of moments like this since meeting her at the library. She wondered how long she would have let herself imagine it if she’d ended things with Finn sooner.
“So… I guess this is goodnight,” he offered once they stopped.
“Yeah I suppose it is,” she answered lamely, at least to her ears.
Clarke toyed with the keys in her hand, reluctant to end the night. But it seemed that Bellamy was experiencing the same thought process.
She just didn’t expect him to say what he ended up saying to prolong the moment for them.
“Would you think I’m an asshole if I asked if I could kiss you?” Bellamy’s question tumbled out of his mouth. “I mean, I know you just broke up yesterday –– but, uh, I just thought I’d ask.”
She blinked in surprise, watching as he became the most nervous she’d ever seen him. His hand found his way to curls, messing them up even more than usual.
Would she think he was an asshole?
To be fair, she’d only technically been broken up with for a few hours. But even that already felt like a fuzzy timeline. When had it last felt like a real relationship with Finn?
“No strings attached by the way,” Bellamy was suddenly quick to assure. “It doesn’t––it doesn’t have to mean we’re suddenly dating or whatever.” The swagger he normally held in his posture had completely been erased, replaced instead by an openness as well as earnest nerves. It was well… it was an equally attractive look on him. It was an open expression, honest. A feeling she hadn’t gotten from someone in a long time.
“Sure, I’d like that,” she found herself saying. She suddenly really did feel that she wanted him to kiss her.
She held her breath as he took a step closer, leaning in.
“Are you sure?” He asked again. “You just went through some crazy shit and I don’t want––”
“Bellamy, I swear I want you to kiss me,” Clarke interjected. “I’d like to choose something for myself for once and I’m choosing you .”
Her snappy response made him pause, a slow smile making the corners of his eyes crinkle up. And then he continued what he had started.
Bellamy’s lips against hers were gentle, light as they cautiously tested the waters.
Clarke could barely remember any kiss she’d had before dating Finn. It had probably been Lexa, the volleyball player who had given Clarke a promise ring of woven dandelions at the end of seventh grade only to then move to a new state without telling Clarke until it had already happened. But since then it had only been Finn.
Bellamy kissed differently than both of them. There was none of the awkwardness of Lexa as the two figured out what it meant, there was none of the performative nature of Finn.
Even with her approval of the kiss, Bellamy kept it delicate as if to not overwhelm her. But at the same time, his hands came up to cradle her face to his and she felt herself sink into his arms. He radiated heat, and even though she wasn’t cold she welcomed the sensation of being surrounded by his warmth.
Though it never went into anything more passionate than a parking lot was appropriate for, she still felt dizzy when they finally stopped.
He lingered, his smell enveloping her as he gently placed one last kiss on her cheek before pulling back. His trademark playful smirk had returned but it still felt different. Personal, like it just for her.
“You know I kept your number ever since orientation at the library?”
Clarke laughed lightly, a buzz still racing through her since their kiss, her lips tingling.
“Let me guess, it’s just a crown emoji.”
His smile only widened.
Eventually, when it was apparent they couldn’t stand in the middle of the diner’s parking lot for much longer before it became weird for anyone watching, they both sort of nodded at the same time.
“Clarke!”
She paused and rolled her window the rest of the way down to poke her head out. Bellamy was doing the same.
“And thus with a kiss, I leave,” he called out, his smile infectious. She laughed, shaking her head lightly.
“Is this really going to be our thing?” She yelled back, giggling. “Poorly requoted Shakespeare quotes?”
“Maybe!”
She sighed. “Well the next time we see each other, pick another one. They die at the end.”
He looked at her in mock exaggeration of being offended. He could only last a couple seconds though before he was grinning again.
“Whatever you want. After all, the course of love never did run smooth.” He winked. “Better choice?”
“We’ll keep workshopping it. Spread out your references.”
The promise of another meeting made them both smile at each other and the giddiness in Clarke made it feel like the butterflies in her chest were going to fly out of her. When Bellamy finally began to drive away, she had to bite her lip to stop herself from smiling like a completely love-struck teen.
Finally then, it was just her alone in the parking lot. She shot a quick text to Wells, promising to fill him in on everything tomorrow over coffee. Then her mom, promising her that she’d not been run off the road or anything and was on her way home.
She paused then, her hands still on the steering wheel but unmoving.
A slow smile crept up on her, growing larger and more radiant as she touched her fingers to her lips.
The kiss had felt like a promise of the future.
She knew it was senior year and that in just over a semester, they’d have the summer before college. And who knew where either of them would end up. Bellamy was the captain of her school’s rival football team. He went to a different school and they wouldn’t be able to hang out at lunch or in between classes. Their practices would fill up most of their weekday evenings.
In short, Bellamy felt like he somehow went against so much of her perfectly contrived plans for her last year of high school.
But something about that was why it all felt like it rang true.
Even if they didn’t really start dating right away, or even ever (though she had a feeling they wouldn’t be able to help themselves now), there was a promise there. A promise of hope and respect, of the potential that could come if she was willing to take the chance on something new. Though, Bellamy didn’t feel “new” in a sense to her. And their time at the diner had felt so natural.
Maybe it was time for new things. New chances, at whatever pace felt right to her this time.
And she had a hunch that this was going to be a good risk, one worth taking despite all of her misgivings about love. Her fear of upsetting the delicate equilibrium of her life –– one that had already been shattered long before this. Why not try putting her happiness first?
After all, all’s well that ends well.
But this was also just the beginning.