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Lovelace didn't take breaks. She paused, sure, but every hour of every day she was going, going, going, until-
Well, she died, but after that, she had a little bit more free time than she once did.
She lay awake on her bed, staring at the ceiling. It was a weird feeling to not be in immediate danger. After almost a year of being back on Earth, she still hadn't gotten used to the sensation of being home again. Adjusting to gravity was nothing compared to coming back after years of paranoia and anger. And even though razing Goddard to the ground was easier said than done, they still finished the task relatively quickly. After that, with nothing to do...
She sighed and placed an arm over her eyes with a groan. The feelings boredom hadn't changed since coming home to Earth, she found. The mindless numbing of the early hours, the endless scrolling through social media, the peeking into the tiny corner of the internet that had followed their takedown of Goddard, it was all the same.
"Captain?"
Lovelace jumped, jolting up and then remembering- oh yeah. Hera. "Yes?"
"Minkowski is in the kitchen making cocoa coffee if you're interested."
"Cocoa coffee?"
"Yeah, coffee with chocolate in it. That's what she called it. I think it's cute, honestly," Hera said fondly.
"I'll be there in a minute, Hera."
"I'll tell her you're on your way."
The telltale static of a line to Hera disappeared, and Lovelace stayed still for a moment longer, relishing the warmth. With a heavy heart she slid out from under her weighted blanket and wrapped a knitted shawl around her shoulders. She made her way down the stairs, cold tile pressing up against her feet. She really should have worn slippers, or at least socks.
She slid open the glass panel that leads to the kitchen and saw Renée there, standing over the coffee machine. "Hey," she said. "Good morning."
"Morning to you, too, Minkowski. What's this I hear about cocoa coffee?"
"It's really nothing, just some hot chocolate mix stirred into coffee." Renée poured a mug for Isabel and hands it to her with a slightly depleted packet of hot chocolate mix. "I didn't expect you to be up this early."
"I just left my room because Hera told me you had cocoa coffee. I didn't want to hang out with you," Lovelace said with a smile. "It's Christmas, isn't it?" She brought the coffee to her lips, taking a slow sip. "I don't think- I don't think I've had a peaceful Christmas in years."
Renée laughed. "Tell me about it. Christmas has never been good on the Hephaestus. First Hilbert, then Funzo..."
Lovelace groaned, burying her head in her arms. "God, don't remind me of Funzo."
"Aww, you're just mad because you lost."
"You lost, too!"
Minkowski snickered, hiding it behind a hand. "Yeah. It was a goo-"
"Commander, if you're about to say that Funzo was a good experience, I am going to throw you out of my house."
They shared a laugh and Lovelace sneaks a glance at Renée.
She's tired, they all are, but it seems that Christmas was taking its toll on her the most. Her hair was out of its usual sleeping braid and her stance just screamed exhausted. And Isabel would know, she shared a station with her for years. She placed a hand on Renée's shoulder, trying to comfort her.
"Hey, you doing okay?"
Renée looked to the side. "Yes? No? I don't-" she took a deep breath and sipped her coffee in thought. "I don't know. Probably not. Every time Christmas rolls around I just remember how much of a bad commanding officer I was. Am. I couldn't save everyone."
Lovelace opened her mouth but Minkowski spoke before she could. "I know I'm preaching to the choir here," she said. "But I think that this- this recurring trauma is going to haunt me on this day specifically forever."
Lovelace drained her mug, rinsing it out and setting it near the edge of the sink for later use. She walked over to where Renée was standing and hugged her from the side.
"Hey," she started. "Maybe we can make some new, better memories." She kissed Minkowski on the temple, patting her shoulder gently as she pulled away. "I'm going to go lay in bed a bit more. Feel free to call me if you need me?"
Minkowski nodded, a bit dazed. "Y- yeah. Yeah, I'll do that. Goodnight, Lovelace."
"I'll be back in time for presents!" She called as she went up the stairs. The look on Minkowski's face was oddly red, and Lovelace decided to file that away for later consideration.
She had closed the door behind her before she realized, with a growing sense of dread, what she had just done.
"Oh God," she whispered, pressing her back to the door. "I just kissed Lieutenant Commander Renée Minkowski."
~*~
She didn't go back to sleep.
She instead stayed up, pacing her room and sorting through her emotions. A normal Tuesday, but this time she was contemplating her feelings for Renée.
She'd known that she liked women long before the Hephaestus, how could she not have, but Renée Minkowski was a different story. She was pretty, yes, but she was always tinged in the worry and the regret and the murder and the slaughter that was everywhere on the station. It wasn't her fault, but Lovelace was always kept up a cool head, trying not to die. She didn't have any time to think about feelings.
She should have thought about this before moving in with her, she realized. The money they had gotten from Goddard was nice enough to buy them each three houses with some to spare, but they decided to live together. Sans Jacobi. Bastard. It was for Miranda and Doug, mostly, but the thought of letting another crew out of her sight was a little much for Lovelace to bear.
Never had she ever considered romantic feelings for- for her.
She knew she felt differently about Hera or Doug to Renée, but she could never quite tell what the difference was. She assumed it was just a power thing, feeling more comfortable around those closer to you in rank, but after the shitshow with Lambert she didn't think that was quite it. It gave her an explanation so she used it, but there was never any real reason to do some deep soul searching.
Lovelace groaned softly, and buried her hands in her hair. Hopefully she would forget about the kiss, forget that they were doing anything other than sharing trauma over cocoa coffee. She glanced at the time. 7:30. Maybe she would make it down before Doug was awake.
~*~
Back down to the ground floor Lovelace went, this time having the foresight to take a pair of fuzzy slippers she had received for her birthday a few months before. Upon coming down, she saw Miranda sitting at the kitchen table, eating a piece of toast and tinkering with a small soundboard. She saw Hera, playing Animal Crossing on the TV while Jacobi played with her on his switch. Huh. When did he get to the house? She saw Renée-
She didn't see Renée.
That worried her a bit. She was the most punctual out of their group and if she was late then how late was Lovelace?
Her worries were put to rest when she saw Renée dragging Doug in by his ear and sitting him down underneath the tree. She forced a Santa hat on his head and said a few stern words, presumably telling him to sit and be nice as she gathered everyone up. Renée turned around and froze as she saw Lovelace. She was holding other Santa hats, one for all of them,
"Hey! Merry Christmas," Lovelace said. She took a hat out of Renée's hands. "I like what you've done with Doug over there."
"Merry Christmas to you, too, Lovelace. Can you go sit near him? I'm trying to get everyone together for a picture before it descends into chaos. I'm half convinced Jacobi got us all our own personalized bombs."
"Will do." Lovelace gave her a mock salute and went over to sit next to Doug. With the grace of gravity she crashed into him, apologizing not-so-profusely as he pretended to be incredibly hurt.
The picture was taken, and everyone watched as Miranda and Doug opened their first-ever Christmas presents. After that there were more presents passed around, everyone deciding to do Secret Santa gifts instead of the awkward trying to get presents for everyone.
After that, food, and after that-
~*~
Lovelace walked into the kitchen with her plate to see Jacobi scrubbing a cookie sheet. "Thanks for doing the dishes even when you don't live here," she rasped. "There's so much that neither I or Renée want to do."
"Yeah- speaking of-" he turned around, soapy water still on his gloves. "What's going on between you and her?"
"What?"
"You and Minkowski. Romance in the air?"
Lovelace scratched the back of her neck. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Come on, Lovelace." Jacobi turned back to the pots in the sink. "You're not this stupid. You and her are up to something, I can smell it. You were doing everything, sneaking glances at each other, getting red when you made eye contact... It's like I'm watching some sort of romantic movie I never wanted to see."
"There's nothing going on between us," Lovelace sighed. "You're delusional."
"I wouldn't be so sure. There's something there, Isabel, and don't come crying to me when you realize that if you don't talk to her-"
"I'll talk to her. Maybe."
"If you don't I'll make sure you're assigned to the worst bomb squad when you do your New Year's report."
"... God you're evil."
"Hell yeah."
~*~
"We need to talk."
Lovelace looked up from the book she'd been reading and placed a bookmark in it. Renée was there, with her hands behind her back. She was standing the way she stood when she was nervous, or swallowing down a bunch of emotion. What was going on? "What's up?"
"You- we need to talk about what happened this morning."
"When we drank coffee? I don't-"
"Jesus. The kiss, Isabel!"
Isabel inhaled. So she didn't forget. Dammit.
"I don't- what do you want me to say?" She asked, keeping her voice far calmer than it should have been. She set her book on the side table and shifted her body so that she wasn't slouching on the arm of the couch.
"You can't just kiss me and not follow through! There's not- you can't just leave me alone like that!"
Isabel shuffled her feet and shrugged. "Well, I mean, you were under a lot of stress and I didn't want to worry you-"
"You did, you made me question how you felt about me-"
"Renée, we're friends. You know that, right?"
"No, Isabel, don't you get it!" Renée nearly shrills. "I'm in love with you!"
That stops Isabel in her tracks.
She must have been the dumbest sapphic ever, because she didn't think Renée liked her in that way.
She wasn't sure what she thought, she just hoped that Renée would have taken it to be platonic, or not too serious. She assumed that whatever happened, they would just be friends and nothing more. She didn't expect-
She didn't expect for Renée to like her back.
"You can't just play with my feelings and expect me to be okay with it, Isabel. You can't just kiss me at two in the morning, you can't just- just act like nothing happened!"
"Minkowski." Lovelace pat the spot on the couch next to her. "Sit down with me?"
Minkowski glanced at the spot uncomfortably and then decided to sit, trying -and failing- to look Isabel in the eyes.
"Renée." Lovelace cupped Renée's face in her hands. "I wouldn't have kissed you if I didn't like you. My love is not something given out so freely."
"Who did you steal that quote from?"
"That's a Lovelace original, Renée. I would never steal another poet's work."
"Oh my God, you're insufferable," Minkowski laughed, face red.
"You love me!" Lovelace sung, brushing a strand of Minkowski's hair back into place.
"Yeah, I do." Renée pressed her forehead against Isabel's.
"W- wait," Lovelace said, pulling a few inches away. She dropped her hands from Renée's face to her shoulders. "What about your husband?"
Minkowski's mouth opened, but she stayed silent for a moment. "We decided, since he thought I was dead, it would be better to cut things off. We keep in touch. He's started seeing a woman who seems nice enough, I'm happy for him."
"I'm sorry you had to go through that."
"Hey, I got over it. I had some time to process it in space. I'm more focused on-" Her breath caught and she looked away. "I'm more focused on what's in front of me."
Lovelace smiled and bit her lip nervously. "Do you- Do you want to have another kiss? Where you aren't- I mean. Where we both- Well, I-"
Renée smiled in fond exasperation and pulled Isabel in for a kiss. "Here," she said. "If you play with my feelings like that again, though-"
"You'll kill me until I'm dead. Understood, sir."
They stayed like that for a moment, relishing in each other's presence, listening to the quiet crackle of the fire.
"Merry Christmas, Renée," Lovelace whispered.
"Merry Christmas, Isabel."
"...Does this make us girlfriends?"
"Oh my God."