Chapter Text
Just keep going.
Around and around and around.
If you are moving you are burning calories.
Focus on your reading. Get lost in it and forget how tired you feel.
It’s not like you want to sleep anyway. If you go to bed you’ll just lay there and be on your phone.
This way you are doing something positive.
Keeping those monstrous legs and huge waist moving.
You don’t deserve a break. You have to earn it.
His mind plagued him.
It had good reason to do so.
Today was a bad day. It did not start out that way. Indeed, it started out well. For a Sunday in the summer, the weather was relatively mild. He woke early and did a two-hour workout, walked more than six miles, and reached his newest goal weight.
The seeds to his downfall were sown early in his day. He ate breakfast that morning. He should have avoided it at all costs.
But, his dad had been home and he was expected to eat when they were home together for mealtimes. He tried to keep his meal light, but with the coffee early when he first woke up, and breakfast before leaving for his workout--which had included a second cup of coffee--he had consumed 496 calories before 9:30 in the morning. That was only four calories from his daily calorie goal.
Then he had unintentionally met Ryuu on his walk, and together they stopped to pick up sports drinks because it was still August, and therefore, hot and humid. That was another 120 calories.
On his way home, he was already planning how he could avoid eating any more food for the rest of his day. He already ate too much, and he was still so close to his next goal weight.
But it was Ryuu.
He convinced him to go to one of his favorite smoothie bowl places. They served healthy food, so Ryuu argued that it was a great choice to help rebuild muscles after their workout. It would have been suspicious if he had refused to go. Ryuu knew he couldn’t resist one of his favorite foods. He was a sucker for all things sweet and creamy, and cool and refreshing smoothie bowls were at the top of that list.
It was delicious. Creamy peanut butter. Sweet, ripe bananas. Even coated in a decadent layer of granola. Topped with a drizzle of honey . Honey. The nectar of the gods themselves.
It was sweet. It was impossible to put down once the bowl was in his hands. He ate, and ate, and ate. It was the most filling food he’d eaten in who knows how long.
It was 640 calories.
And he ate it all .
It was his undoing. From that sweet bowl, he couldn’t stop craving sweets and creamy fatty foods. A scoop of peanut butter as he made his little sister’s bento for the next day. A few bites of apple that was leftover when meal prep was done. A handful of walnuts for the same reason.
Then, when he made dinner for his dad and little sister, he also made himself dinner. And ate leftovers of all the foods he helped make for them. A few peanut butter roll-ups, some pretzels, a slice of toast with butter.
After everyone else was in bed, he stayed up eating the rest of the cashews while finishing homework. Sipping a cup of hot chocolate which was heavy with chocolatey goodness and creamy perfection. He gave up trying to calculate how much fat and how many calories he ingested. It was enough to know that it was too many.
Enough to know that the two pounds he lost on his long walk in the morning were already back on his stomach.
Enough to remind himself of how foolish and weak he was.
Enough to wish purging was easier. With the few experiences of trying to expel the unhealthy food he ate, he respected bulimics but knew it wasn’t for him. Purging was nasty. Grotesquely unpleasant. It reminded him how much he needed to clean the bathrooms more frequently. It just wasn’t worth it.
He would rather starve himself in the future than struggle through the frustration of trying to force himself to puke. Truly, he did not know how bulimics did it.
Back to starving oneself in the future.
He knew he needed to work diligently to get back on track. The creamy fats, addictive sweeteners, and filling carbs would wreck his self-control. He wasn’t sure how easy it would be, but he didn’t come so far to stop now. All those helpful motivational quotes reminded him of this. “You didn’t come this far to only come this far,” was a personal favorite quote of his. He needed to learn to control himself better. Prove to himself and others that yes, he could do this.
Whenever he had a negative day, all he could recall were her constant, critical comments. They stung then, and they still sting as they echo through his mind.
If you don’t learn self-control now, you’ll be bigger than a barn!
Suck in your gut and stand up straight.
I’m just worried about you honey, I don’t want you to end up being 200 pounds!
Before his mom left, he remembered her comments. He had baby fat as a child. Chubby little rolls and a round baby belly on a chubby baby boy. He did not grow out of them easily. He was considered a “husky” boy. A boy with “thick bones.” He tended to over-indulge in sweets. That never changed. He was still waiting for that glow up, if he’s being honest.
In contrast, his mother was naturally skinny, and she kept up her figure with portion control, limiting her intake of junk food, and an active lifestyle. They were so different. Body shape, self-control, the whole bit. Opposites.
He looked nothing like his mom. He was nothing like his mom.
She would always remind him to suck in his stomach. To stand up straight and tall. If she caught him sneaking a midnight snack, she would storm over and rant and rave at him with angry eyes. Eyes he could not forget. Words he could not forget.
His goal weight is to be smaller than her, just to throw all those comments back in her face. If he ever saw her again.
Now, he seems to only find beauty or worth in tight skin over muscle. Bold bones under brittle skin. Anything else must go, because it is disgusting. And he is else, therefore he must go, or he will forever remain disgusting.
He can do this.
He is stronger than his emotions and cravings.
He can do this and he will do this.
… After this cup of hot chocolate. No point in wasting good food. Sweet, creamy good food. Nectar of the gods kind of good food. After all, wasting is bad. And he isn’t a bad person. Hopefully.
Yes, starting again tomorrow, he will do this.
(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧
It didn’t start out about being skinny. At least, he thinks it didn’t. At least consciously it didn’t.
It started out late one night after feeling all the brokenness inside and being frustrated when the outside and the inside didn’t match. He didn’t look broken or sick. He didn’t look like he was falling apart.
But he was.
And he decided he wanted it to show. He slowly started searching for posts about eating disorders. He wasn’t one who didn’t know he had an eating disorder and thought he looked heavier than he really was. He wanted an eating disorder because he knew precisely how heavy he was.
He decided to have an eating disorder. Partly for control. Partly out of his passively-suicidal tendencies. And partly, he guessed, because of being skinny.
Because maybe if he was skinny, maybe he’d be happy. Maybe if he was skinny, he would be noticed. Maybe the harsh words in his head would finally quiet.
That was his start. Then he became addicted to the feeling of victory that came every time he said no, ignored his hunger, and lost another few pounds. He started with a calorie goal of 1,000 calories a day, which quickly changed to 500 calories per day. He tried to burn at least four times as many calories as he consumed. He became vegan to give himself more reason to turn away from bad foods. He got rid of oil when he cooked meals. He looked for low-calorie vegetables to fill a small plate with to give him the appearance of eating. He practiced eating slowly, pushing food around the plate, and drinking water frequently to have less space in his stomach for food.
All these things led to battles within his head. With the anorexic side of himself against the hungry side. With the depressed side against the rational side. With the voice that sounded like his mother against the one that sounded, surprisingly, like the loud-mouthed, brash, grey-eyed…
Well. He was not going there. The rational side was also not willing to think about that thought too much. Even the rational side preferred to think about food compared to feelings. It was the lone thing he firmly believed with all sides.
He felt hatred toward himself every time he ate too much, or gave in and ate something unhealthy. Burning calories any way he knew how became his addiction. Feeling lightheaded when he tried to stand or move quickly was a pat on the back, letting him know he was doing good. He was only a few weeks in, but he had learned so much about himself as he ignored the cravings and waited for true hunger to kick in. As he realized how easy it really was to ignore his body’s feelings of hunger.
He has cravings not for food, but for results. For pain. For loss.
He will stay strong. He will be in control. Just as much control as he is when he drags a knife across his skin, he will also control each bite. All the intake will be because he wills it. Or doesn't it, more likely.
Him. Not hunger. Him. In control.
Away from this inner-dialogue and into the present, he was sitting beside Ryuu on the couch, attempting to study and appear normal, and his stomach constantly made weird gurgling noises. They weren’t exactly hungry sounds, but they sounded almost grumpy.
It was a bad day yesterday. He had those frequently. More than he’d like to admit. Yesterday he ate two meals and a snack. Usually, he only allowed one meal outside of his cup of coffee with oat milk. If it was a particularly rough morning, he would be allowed to have some honey to soothe his throat. That was it until at least 5:00 pm. He was supposed to be firm about those rules.
But yesterday food tasted so good and he listened to his cravings. We had been weak. He was always weak.
Today he has only had a cup of honey-oat coffee (97 calories) and some gummy vitamins (10 calories). His plan was to not eat anything more today, and see how long he could get away with not eating tomorrowーskip as many meals as possible without getting caught.
One unforeseen hiccup in the road was that, for the first time in his life, he felt uncomfortable around the crazy, loud ball-of-energy known as Tanaka Ryūnosuke. They were close friendsーthough sometimes he felt more like a babysitter than a friend, especially when Noya was aroundーand one should not have felt uncomfortable trying to do homework with a good friend. But the loud noises made him nervous. He had only met two of his goal weights, what would he do now if Ryuu started getting suspicious?
He couldn’t give in, especially with how bad he had been yesterday. He ate 2,091 calories yesterday. He was a disgusting cow who gained two whole pounds from that god-awful binge.
He will not be weak. He refuses to give in. He will get skinny, like the pictures he saw of models. All bones and gaunt looking. He will look like that. He just needs to say no. And be smart enough that Ryuu won’t suspect a thing. He was the only one he was worried about noticing something was up.
Of course, he has to talk to avoid suspicion. Opening his mouth always seemed like a good plan at the time.
“This is so weird, I’m not even hungry! It’s like my stomach is grumpy or something,” he said, hoping to remove any suspicions Ryuu might have. His unobservant friend just laughed. He had barely even noticed the noises in the first place. Soon after, Ryuu ran to his room to grab something, leaving Ennoshita alone on the couch. With a sigh of relief, he was allowed to be anorexic again. He was allowed to look up pro-ana images online without feeling like he had to shield his computer from Ryuu.
He was becoming addicted to the images, too.
It was getting close to dinnertime though. When Ryuu came back, he should probably head out. Then he could lie and say he already ate at Ryuu’s place to his dad. But the longer he sat by himself, the guiltier he felt. Sitting still on a couch is not burning any calories. Will he reach his goals for the day if he just remained here? He really needed to move around more. Maybe he should go to Ryuu’s room and tell him he was leaving, make some excuses about needing to head home for dinner. Then he could walk around until he needed to go home. Burn more calories. Yes, that was a good idea.
Getting up, he made his way down the hall and knocked on Ryuu’s door. “Hey, Ryuu?”
“Just a minute, man! I’ll be right back out,” Tanaka said from inside the room.
To begin with, it was strange that he escaped to his room. Usually, they studied in Ryuu’s room, but the past few weeks he had been oddly secretive about his room, not allowing Ennoshita to go anywhere near it. Now the door was closed. It’s not like he hadn’t seen the inside of the room before, or Ryuu in all different states of undress. But now he was being odd.
“Ryuu, I need to be heading home soon, I don’t want to be late for dinner.”
At this, Tanaka popped his head out, though not opening the door wide enough for Ennoshita to see inside. “Oh, man! You won’t be staying for dinner? Nii-san and I talked about getting takeout at this new place that just opened!”
Though Ryuu looked hopeful, that would definitely never happen. “Some other time we will have to do that, but I’ve got to head out. Tell Nii-san I said hello, and try not to fail your test tomorrow, okay?”
“What? Um, man, I totally knew there was a test tomorrow, and I totally was not going to fail it. To make sure you won’t fail, what subject will it be in? Have you studied enough?”
“Ryuu, don’t give me that shit, of course, I studied. And since you obviously weren’t paying attention, it’s in English.”
Ryuu looked pained.
“Enno, please don’t go yet. We can grab takeout and then study together! You know how terrible my English is,” he pleaded, giving Enno his puppy dog eyes.
“Ryuu, I have to get home. You know this material, we’ve worked on it before. Give me a call if you have any questions, but I’m heading home.”
Turning around, with one last look toward Ryuu, hoping to see inside his room, Ennoshita was back in the living room picking up his school things. Ryuu hurried after him like he didn’t want Enno to leave. It made no sense. They weren’t even studying together for the last hour or so.
Bookbag over his shoulder, he opened the front door without a word, though Tanaka basically begged for them to eat lunch together the next day. He agreed, more to leave the house before his stomach started growling again than anything.
But alas, as he opened the door to leave, he ran into Saeko.
“Ennoshita! What are you doing right by the door? We haven’t even grabbed food yet!” she enthused, draped an arm over his shoulder and with a questioning look.
“Actually, I have to head home for dinner.”
“Enno, you have a chance to eat dinner with me. Noya never turns down an opportunity to spend time with his Nii-san. Could it be that I’m not your type? That you go for someone else? Who looks remarkably like me except for no boobs or hair? Could his name be--”
“You know what Saeko-san, dinner sounds wonderful. What type of food were you thinking?” With a slightly panicked look in his normally sleepy eyes, he cut her off, looking behind him to ensure Saeko’s comments had not been overheard by the less observant Tanaka sibling.
With a sly smile, she pushed him back inside the Tanaka household while calling out a hello to Ryuu, who looked between the two, trying to figure out why Ennoshita had decided to stay for dinner. Before he could ask his question, Saeko, her arm still around Ennoshita’s shoulders, said a simple “no one can resist me.” This seemed to pacify her little brother, though Ennoshita couldn’t help but think that he looked a bit put-out that he agreed with Saeko and not Ryuu. But of course not, Ryuu did not think like that. He did not think about that.
He ended up settling for a cup of soup, which a quick phone search told him was around 230 calories. He was still below his limit for the day, but so much for not eating anything for the rest of the day. He considered purging, but it was not easy to accomplish. Repeatedly sticking his hand down his throat just to spit up tiny bits of food was not something he ever wanted to relive. He will just continue tomorrow, avoiding as many meals as possible, and eating mostly vegetables when he does eat. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow he will be stronger.
With dinner out of the way he was able to finally get his mind off of food. He ended up staying until late in the night, working with Ryuu on his English. He had not lied, he was quite bad at it. With Ennoshita working with him since the last Tokyo training camp, he did show improvement, but he still forgot most of the vocabulary. And put the verbs in the wrong place. And forgot random words in the sentences he translated.
Needless to say, he was a work in progress.
They were both on the floor of the living room, sprawled out with work in front of them. Tanaka had gotten frustrated at one point trying to understand English state-of-being verbs and chucked his shirt across the room. Ennoshita did not blush when his gaze lingered. His gaze never even lingered.
It was during one of those moments of wandering eyes when Saeko came back in to check on the boys, to see if any of them wanted an evening snack. “Ryuu, why are you in the living room instead of your room? You usually study with Noya in there.” Saeko asked sincerely enough, but the look on her face hinted that she knew more than she was saying.
“Nii-chan, you know it's more spacious out here. Though Noya is small enough for my room, I thought Ennoshita would appreciate the extra space. Who likes being all squished in a small room together? I didn’t think it was Enno’s style.” Ryuu rubbed his head and avoided looking at either his sister or Ennoshita as he spoke.
“Enno, are you that particular about your personal space?” Saeko wagged her eyebrows as she asked her question.
“I don’t have a preference either way. I never felt cramped in his room. But the living room is fine too.” He answered honestly. He didn’t want more privacy with Tanaka, of course not. Didn’t think about being alone in a small space with a closed door. Not one bit.
He was lying to himself and he knew it. He liked Tanaka and had for almost as long as he had known him. His problem was that he had only ever heard Tanaka talk about girls. It was always Kiyoko this and Kiyoko that. The mysterious room that he was currently not allowed to see was covered in images of half-naked women.
A pathetic part of his brain wondered that if maybe he was petite, Ryuu might consider him. Maybe if he seemed more fragile, Ryuu would want to protect him. He did have that tough-guy savior complex. Maybe he could use that...
Ennoshita rolled his eyes internally at that line of thought, stopping himself from going further down that rabbit hole. Being a weak guy wouldn’t turn Ryuu’s head anyway. Maybe being more muscular, sure. Tanaka seemed to respect muscles. But a guy trying to act girly so he would attract his straight best friend’s attention? Ryuu would never talk to him again if he knew those were his thoughts.
As Ennoshita got lost in his own head, the Tanaka siblings delved into what appeared to be an argument with a hidden meaning. He heard very little of it, so wrapped up in his own thoughts. He was pulled back to reality by a sudden exclamation from Ryuu.
“Nii-san. Look, it is impolite to argue in front of guests. We can talk about this later .”
“Ryuu, it’s just me. I’ve heard you argue--” But he couldn’t get his sentence out, already being interrupted by Saeko.
“Speaking of late, look at the time. Ennoshita, we cannot allow you to walk home this late. Check with your dad and stay the night tonight, okay? I’m sure Ryuu’s tiny room will fit a futon. If you want the futon, that is.”
At this, Ryuu covered his face with his hands and seemed to breathe deeply. Ennoshita couldn’t tell his feelings about Saeko’s proposition. But he knew he, himself, would not mind the arrangement. No need to pull out the futon. He didn’t kick or toss and turn in bed. He could just share with Ryuu. Share a bed. With Ryuu. A bed. Just the two of them--
Maybe this was a terrible idea.
“So, Ennoshita, did you see if it was okay to stay over tonight?” Apparently, Saeko was not giving anyone options beyond obedience.
“Oh, one second,” Chikara said as he pulled out his phone. He knew his dad wouldn’t mind. He was quite smitten with Saeko. It was almost a guarantee that saying “Saeko was wondering” would automatically end up with a “yes”. Saeko had that effect on most single men. And it made sense. As she said, she was basically Ryuu with…
Nope. Not thinking of that. At all.
His dad texted back quickly. He could stay over, as long as it wasn’t a bother to “Tanaka-kun.”
Saeko knew this, without Ennoshita even having to confirm, and she was trying to get them packed up and to bed in Ryuu’s mysterious room.
Alas, with the opening of the door, the room was no longer mysterious. Surprisingly clean for Ryuu, but that wasn’t the most shocking part. The walls were empty. No half-naked women in sight. And Ryuu seemed to be actually using his bookshelf for books. Well, manga, but they looked new. What could change Ryuu so much in the past few days or weeks?
Knowing Ryuu, the books were the most surprising parts, so he walked over to see what he had been reading. One was open on the bed. It showed a confession scene.
Of a man.
Confessing to another man.
Ryuu read yaoi?
Like the fluffy, romantic, (and vanilla) boy love?
Ryuu? Kiyoko-worshiping, girlfriend-wanting, half-naked-women-viewing Ryuu?