make it simple. make it right.

by Anonymous

Summary:

Seungyoun is yet to come down from the euphoria of his release, yet he’s very aware of Hangyul leaving the bed already.

He frowns to himself.

They had a rule - no questions - and he hates it.

He hates seeing Hangyul hurriedly putting his clothes back on almost immediately after they finish. He hates that Hangyul never stays long enough to leave his scent on the sheets. He hates not knowing when they’ll see each other next. And most of all, he hates their arrangement and how he has to pretend that he isn’t in love with Lee Hangyul.

Notes:

this didn't turn out the way i wanted it to lmao :(( but i also didn't wanna NOT publish it so whatever lol

Hangyul tightens his grip on Seungyoun’s waist as he slides in and out of the older’s warmth, watching as Seungyoun bounces in an irregular, almost frantic pace on his lap.

The older’s limbs feel incapable of functioning, bones all melted after the younger has made sure his first mount of pleasure is out of the way, all taken care of with his mouth and tongue in the corners of Seungyoun that no one’s ever been. So he can only ride the younger, hips gyrating relentlessly in hopes of bringing the both of them to the height of their desires.

Seungyoun feels Hangyul bring their naked bodies closer with arms around his torso; and even in a moment where most people will have lost their wits, the older’s heart soars at the small, seemingly absent-minded gesture. It’s more than close enough for their bodies - Seungyoun’s all warm & frenzied in lust - but it isn’t close enough for what the older’s heart wants.

He stills his movements at the internal disappointment with a soft groan, his emotions getting him in a chokehold, so he accidentally sinks down on Hangyul’s body, bringing the younger to the hilt. “Fuck!” he keens, his voice hoarse yet high.

“You okay?” Hangyul asks in urgent worry, drawing back a bit with a palm to Seungyoun's cheek for any sign of discomfort. “Does it hurt?”

“I’m fine,” Seungyoun rasps, taking a break from the strenuous motions of bouncing to let his body accommodate the new depth before he starts a new, maddening pace of grinding back and forth instead as he grips Hangyul’s shoulders a little more tightly. He ignores the fact that the younger’s hand holding his face tenderly heightens his arousal, choosing instead to wrap his arms around Hangyul’s neck to also avoid the view of Hangyul intently watching his face.

Too intimate.

“Easy…” Hangyul whispers, hands now running up and down his naked sides, ever so careful as if Seungyoun was made of glass.

But the warmth from the younger’s palms succeed to only make him all the more frenzied, high-strung, in over his head with warmth. He quickens his pace helplessly, wanting to reach the pinnacle of his pleasure, hips moving faster in smaller movements, now throwing his head back in pleasure instead, unrelenting in his motions, and mouth open in a soundless attempt to maintain a grip on his sanity because damn , Hangyul was so big. And he feels so good inside him. And this was Hangyul.

Lee Hangyul. The man he loves.

He feels Hangyul raise a hand to softly brush his fringe away from where they are sticking sweaty to his forehead. “You’re getting tired,” the younger observes silently, taking note of the way Seungyoun’s brows were knitted.

In more ways than one , Seungyoun despairs inside his brain, but how could he dwell on that when Hangyul brings the older’s face back down for a gentle kiss to the corner of the lips as an attempt to comfort.

“I’m okay…” Seungyoun assures him despite his thighs burning, but Hangyul knows him better than that. So when the younger takes the older by the hips and drives up to the other’s body, saving him the trouble, Seungyoun could only whimper.

The younger wrings out a loud, long moan from Seungyoun, getting his body and heart overwhelmed by the onslaught of feelings, senses overloaded physically and emotionally. So he was naturally thankful when Hangyul just swallows the scandalous sounds he feeds him, as he takes Seungyoun’s mouth against his with a hand to the nape.

“Fuck, Seungyoun…” Hangyul bites out for a moment in between their kisses when he feels the older’s heat tighten deliciously around him.

“Hangyul...” Seungyoun pants against the other’s mouth, carding his fingers through the other's hair as he gets thoroughly loved on by Hangyul’s body. He groans again, “Oh god… Gyul...” I love you , he wanted to say. But he cannot and shall not. God, no.

“You close, baby?”

Seungyoun bites down on his lip, eyes screwing shut, eyebrows meeting, and rasps, “Yes yes...”

And his answer drives Hangyul into action.

Wrapping an arm around Seungyoun’s waist, Hangyul uses his free hand to languidly stroke his fist up and down around the older’s manhood and Seungyoun can only alternate between mewls and moans. “Aaaaahh, Hangyul… ‘M so so close…”

The younger speeds up both the motion of his hands and hips, driving Seungyoun crazy with need as he continues watching the older’s handsome face contort in ecstasy. “Then cum, baby…” he commands.

“Together,” Seungyoun bites, digging his knees on the bed to let Hangyul drive in and out of him. He musters whatever remaining strength he has to clench around Hangyul, eliciting a deep growl from the younger before they both explode in a chorus of moans and groans; Seungyoun making a mess of their chests and Hangyul’s fist; Hangyul filling him warm & full inside.

*

Seungyoun is yet to come down from the euphoria of his orgasm, yet he’s very aware of Hangyul leaving the bed already.

He frowns to himself.

They had a rule - no questions - and he hates it. (At least, none that is outside the need-to-knows or outside when & where they are doing it .)

He hates seeing Hangyul hurriedly putting his clothes back on almost immediately after they finish. He hates that Hangyul never stays long enough to leave his scent on the sheets. He hates not knowing when they’ll see each other next. And most of all, he hates their arrangement and how he has to pretend that he isn’t in love with Lee Hangyul; abhors it with his entire being that as intimate the things they’ve done to and with each other may be, Hangyul isn’t his. And he isn’t Hangyul’s.

They have been doing this for almost a year now, and unfortunately, Seungyoun finds himself catching feelings about just three months in. 

Hangyul was attractive; that much is a given. He is easy-going, giving & attentive during sex. Skilled. Hands down a sex god, and he drives Seungyoun wild with his expertise in bed.

It could be his fingers inside Seungyoun or his mouth all over the older; a slow & steady pace of long, deep strokes, or quick & harsh thrusts that has Seungyoun writhing on the bed or fisting at the sheets - whatever it is with, he always reduces Seungyoun into a mewling, whimpering mess.

He is like a tornado - strong and reckless - wreaking havoc and leaving a sad, cold mess of Seungyoun’s body in his wake every time. The older never knows when to expect Hangyul, always guessing when the next devastation is going to be, and only knowing that he will be wrecked into oblivion again when the time- when he comes. Like every single time.

Because it is Hangyul - and he is the only one who is acquainted with Seungyoun’s body enough to know when the older is impatient & needy, or otherwise in the mood for a long, drawn-out session.

But that isn’t all that makes the view of Hangyul leaving difficult. Those aren’t what has Seungyoun falling deeper in love with the younger every time.

It is the glimpses to a beautiful heart & a golden soul that Seungyoun has caught more than a handful times before, in between booty calls, the smell of sex in the room, and goodbyes. It is how good Hangyul smells, the fragrance of his body wash an aphrodisiac all on its own. It’s Hangyul’s apparent concern over whether Seungyoun is comfortable with the pace they are going in bed. It is the foreplay that Hangyul never skips, always making sure the older’s body is ready to take him, always making sure he never hurts Seungyoun.

It is the way he embraces & kisses Seungyoun during the fact - like the older was something he cherished, something he wanted to protect. 

It is that only night he ever stayed over:

The older was really not feeling well that night that Hangyul hit him up to hookup, after over a week of being incommunicado. Another usual booty call, basically.

He’d wanted to ask the younger what (or was it a who?) he’d been busy with that it took almost a week for him to contact Seungyoun. Or maybe tell him that he missed him so bad. He’d actually almost asked the younger to just hang out; outside the four corners of the bedroom this time because he was feeling a bit under the weather. But he did none of these.

At the off-chance that Hangyul would feel uncomfortable at the invitation and decline or find a way to cancel, he chose not to risk it. So Seungyoun was left to reply with the usual, “My place or yours?”

He just hoped Hangyul would choose the former option, seeing as Seungyoun did not feel up to heading out, considering how he felt physically. 

“Yours. I’m on my way,” Hangyul replied, making Seungyoun sigh in relief.

But the door was neither unlocked nor was Seungyoun able to open the door for Hangyul unlike always.

He loathed to think that, using the spare key he dumbly gave Hangyul before, the younger must have just walked in on Seungyoun passed out on the couch, curled up in a ball, shivering slightly.

Seungyoun just remembered being woken up by the relieving & familiar warmth from Hangyul’s palm on his cheek, making him jolt up into a seated position because he wasn’t supposed to be asleep in the first place.

“Oh, hey,” he chuckled, running his hands through his hair hurriedly, embarrassed of his unkempt state as if Hangyul had not ever seen him with his guard down yet. “I’m sorry I fell asleep waiting.”

That never happened before. (And Seungyoun barely managed to hide another chill that wracked his body ever so slightly, but he pulled it off.As he should, not wanting to have to send Hangyul away so soon.)

“Are you alright?” the younger asked probingly with slightly narrowed eyes, sitting beside the older on the couch, eyes observant like a hawk’s. “You seem a bit pale and your cheek kinda felt warm.”

“Yes, yes, I’m fine!” the older faked a nonchalant laugh, complete with a wave of his hand, while a treacherous blot of heat warmed his cheeks at the keen observation and at the tone of worry. He hoped the younger wouldn’t catch on the fact that he wasn’t feeling very well, so he was thankful when Hangyul just eyed him suspiciously and nodded.

“Go shower,” Seungyoun told the younger who had returned to the doorway to take off his shoes. He licked his lips, and screwed his eyes for a second as he became aware of a splitting migraine and his sore limbs. He hissed under his breath, but was able to school his face onto a more neutral expression before Hangyul turned back around to face him.

Then he couldn’t remember much of what happened after Hangyul did as he was told.

He just woke up the next morning in his bed, with a wet towel on his forehead, the blanket pulled up to his chin, a basin on the floor beside the bed, and Hangyul sleeping seated on the floor with his head pillowing his arms on the bed. His heart, of course, immediately melted at the view.

This was the first time he has ever seen Hangyul sleeping. And he was a sight to behold. Face relaxed, cute cheek squished against his own arm, lips half-parted in what was almost a pout, and thick, long, eyelashes fanned prettily at rest against his cheeks.

It was greedy but he wished he had this view. Every morning.

But then he became aware of the icky feeling of dried up sweat all over his body, and he had to groan. He extracted the hand nearer Hangyul from under the sheets to reach for the younger’s wrist. “Hangyul…” he whispered, shaking gently before he tried to sit up, removing the towel from his forehead to put it back on the basin.

It wasn’t difficult to put two and two together and realize that he’d passed out from his fever and that Hangyul stayed over to take care of him. And he didn’t know if it was supposed to make him feel elated that Hangyul finally stayed, or sad that it wasn’t because he wanted to. 

He knew Hangyul stayed because he must have felt the need to. Seungyoun was almost sure it was more out of duty than concern.

Sitting back on the headboard, he looked down at Hangyul and threaded his fingers through the younger's hair with a soft “Hey…” the caress finishing with him holding the younger’s cheek.

Hangyul moved but his eyes stayed closed, as if he had only a quarter of his consciousness and the rest of him was still asleep. He absentmindedly raised a hand to press Seungyoun’s hand harder against his cheek, then turned to press a soft kiss to the older’s palm in his sleep.

Seungyoun gasped at the spontaneous & unprovoked, show of tender affection, his heart torn between speeding up or stopping altogether. He frowned. Hangyul had never kissed him for it to lead to nothing. They never kissed and not have it end with their naked limbs entangled with or wrapped around each other.

So Seungyoun harshly drew his hand away, prohibiting himself from growing fonder, and falling harder in love with Hangyul. The younger didn’t even realize what he was doing and it was unfair to believe that the kiss to the palm stemmed from any fond feelings whatsoever.

The harsh movement woke the younger up and it took a second after he’d lifted his head for Hangyul to gain full awareness of where he was and what was happening.

“Oh,” he almost jumped, pushing himself up and off of the floor to lay a palm over Seungyoun’s forehead, feeling for the temperature. “You’re awake! How are you feeling, hyung?”

Bunching the sheets in his fist as if his grip on his emotions and his self-control were in them, Seungyoun raised his free hand to gently remove Hangyul’s hand from his forehead by the wrist. “I’m fine.”

“You sure?” Hangyul searched his eyes, face close.

“I’m sorry about last night,” Seungyoun bit out, avoiding Hangyul’s beautiful eyes that were currently blown wide in concern.

His own thoughts and words made bile rise to his throat, leaving a bitter taste on his mouth. He wasn’t entirely sorry. Last night was special - because Hangyul stayed.

“You should have told me you were sick.”

“I know,” Seungyoun mumbled. But I missed you. He couldn’t say that. “I took meds before you got here. I didn’t think it would worsen. I’m sorry I wasted your time.”

“That’s not-” Hangyul cut himself off; taking a moment to choose his words before continuing with a sigh, “Next time, tell me.”

Seungyoun nodded and immediately tried to send Hangyul away. “You can go, I’m a big boy,” he tried to convince the younger jokingly.

But the younger stubbornly ignored that, insisting instead that he cook the older some porridge before he left.

The view of Hangyul’s wide back hunched over the stove, looking so at ease and at home in Seungyoun’s kitchen made Seungyoun feel a different kind of ill. So he stomped back to his room when Hangyul refused to leave, dozing off quickly as his body still hadn’t fully recovered.

Hangyul woke him up pretty much the same way Seungyoun woke the younger up earlier and as the older’s heart swelled with emotions at seeing the food tray on the bed, he wished he knew what was going on in the younger’s mind. 

And of course, Hangyul’s porridge tasted well. And of course, he had to insist spoon feeding the older.

“Hangyul, I have arms,” Seungyoun said, now sitting back against the headboard as he tried to snatch the spoon away from the younger which Hangyul quickly drew away with an impatient click of the tongue.

“Aaaah,” Hangyul said, bringing the spoon to the older’s lips once again, shaking it until Seungyoun opened his mouth and accepted the fact that his fuck buddy is nursing him back to health, acting like the concerned boyfriend Seungyoun wished he was.

Seungyoun was shooed towards the en suite to take a shower while the younger took the tray back to the kitchen. So, naturally, a small yelp escaped Seungyoun as Hangyul later entered the shower wordlessly with him, stripped them both down as the older stood dumbfounded, and proceeded to help the older wash.

“Hangyul, you don’t have to-”

“Ssshh. I promise I’ll leave after this.”

And under the torrent of water, Seungyoun fell deeper in love. He learned that Hangyul’s fingers were skilled & deft, getting the shampoo to a rich lather in no time, rinsing his hair gently yet thoroughly right after. That Hangyul had the patience of a saint; washing Seungyoun as he stood there curled onto himself with his arms folded over his torso while the younger dutifully scrubbed him clean, even kneeling down to scrub his calves.

Helpless to stop himself, Seungyoun surged forward to fold his arms around Hangyul instead, neck buried on the younger’s bare & wet shoulder. And he felt the younger sigh, before hands rubbed up & down his back before they massaged the back of his neck soothingly.

“I’m sorry that you feel like you have to do this,” Seungyoun whispered. “Because you don’t. But still… thank you. It will never happen again.

Hangyul only replied with a sigh. “I couldn’t just leave you like this.”

Without any more words, the younger washed himself, rinsed them both, and patted them both down to dry, before he led Seungyoun back to the room to dress to comfy clothes as he did the same.

With Seungyoun fed, bathed, and back in bed, he was trapped to watch Hangyul gather his things while he reminded the older which medicine to take, and at what time to make sure that he doesn't relapse back down with a fever.

Seungyoun felt like a joke.

At the end of the day, he still would have to watch Hangyul leave. So in the blink of an eye where the older found himself alone in his apartment again, Seungyoun finally let himself cry. 

He wanted Hangyul to worry about him, not treat him like a patient. He wanted Hangyul to hold him in the middle of the night until his chills came down, not have to tell the other next time he was sick only to have Hangyul not come by at all.

Seungyoun feels his eyes stinging with tears again as he recalls the memory.

Was that, what, three months ago? And he finds himself still stuck in the same fucking place? Pathetic - a fuck buddy who is only as good to Hangyul and for Hangyul as he performed in bed. 

Not that Hangyul never pays any mind to Seungyoun’s pleasure. God knows how much of a selfless lover the younger is.

But then again, has the younger ever expressed any desire to take their relationship outside of the bedroom? Outside of sex? Never.

Hangyul is buckling his belt; chest muscles & abs flexing in the motion, and Seungyoun watches through eyes blurry with tears.

This is tiring.

This is so fucking tiring. And for the bajillionth excruciating time, Seungyoun has to remind himself that it isn’t like he is in any position to demand more.

They have their agreement. And he is going to keep it despite the clawing sorrow that scalds him to ask - no, beg - for more & beyond being friends with benefits every single time Hangyul prepares to leave.

But no, Seungyoun isn’t going to ask any question. Or he will die trying. 

Realizing that he is about to full-on cry in front of Hangyul, he throws the sheets off of his legs and heads to the washroom, partially to clean himself up, but mostly to hide his tears.

He keeps his face hidden from the younger as he does, but he feels the burn of Hangyul’s gaze anyway.

It usually goes like this: Hangyul dresses up while Seungyoun comes down from his high. As soon as those two were done, Hangyul dutifully proceeds to clean Seungyoun up. And then without any promise as to when (or if) they are going to see each other next, Hangyul leaves.

It must be bewildering- the break of habit.

Seungyoun knows that heading to the en suite before Hangyul could either clean him up or head to the door, can be a harsh ruffle to Hangyul’s feathers but he can’t possibly cry in front of the younger, can he?

Because that would raise a volley of questions.

Why are you crying?

Why do you never stay?

Why are you asking me this?

Why can’t we be more than this?

He shuts the door behind him with a small, “You can see yourself out,” that almost gets stuck in a sob.

And he cries in the shower; the sound of the running water (hopefully) drowning his sobs. He takes his time; knowing full well his eyes will be swollen, his fingers and toes wrinkly once he decides to head out. 

He rubs harshly on his chest, as if the superficial burn of over scrubbing can dull the pain deep within his chest, where his heart is gaping, begging to be filled with more than what they agreed on; more than what Hangyul is clearly willing to give. He rubs the lather of the shampoo onto his scalp meticulously, fingers sinking & pressing harder than usual as if it could chase away all the questions, and all the what if’s.

And he cries. He cries for what Hangyul and him can (never) be. He cries at his own cowardice. He cries that he has no inkling whatsoever how Hangyul feels about him - if ever he does feel anything for him. He cries over the possibility that each time Hangyul walks out the door can very well be the last time he sees or hears from the younger. After all, they have agreed when they began this twisted arrangement they had, that when either one of them wants to finally stop, he can. No questions asked.

So when Seungyoun finally does head out the shower, one can only imagine his surprise when he sees Hangyul still there, seating at the edge of the bed, fully-dressed, and looking distraught; his hair sticking out in different directions as if he ran his hand through it one too many times while Seungyoun was throwing a motherfucking pity party in the shower.

“You seem to be in a rush to head somewhere,” Hangyul says, eyes downcast, exuding a mood somehow as solemn as Seungyoun is feeling.

The older hates that that technically isn’t a question; it is more of an observation - an observation that he pretends to confirm anyway with a nod before he looks away from Hangyul lest the younger notes how swollen his eyes are from crying in the shower. 

(As if Hangyul didn’t hear his sobs through the thin, wooden door.)

“Get dressed,” was all Hangyul says before heading out of the bedroom, “I will give you a lift.”

*

It is Seungyoun’s first time in Hangyul’s car, and the drive is silent.

Seungyoun sticks to looking out the window after he inputs the location in the GPS, convincing himself that Hangyul isn’t trying to catch his eyes, and telling himself that he only imagined the way the younger is gripping the steering wheel a bit too tightly.

He plans to go to some café and summon his friend out once Hangyul’s car is out of sight. He pretends it is pre-planned though.

How can he tell Hangyul that he doesn’t even have plans with anyone? That he just hates the sight of the younger leaving him and that he just wasn’t expecting the other to still be there when he got out of the shower?

“Hyung…” Hangyul’s voice pulls him out of his trance.

Seungyoun is shaken back to the present.

“We’re here.”

The older looks out and indeed, they are. He unbuckles his seatbelt and bows to Hangyul with a polite, “Thanks for the ride.”

But before he can push the door open, Hangyul is pulling him back by the crook of the elbow.

Seungyoun looks back around at the younger and throws him a confused look.

Hangyul, on the other hand, has a panicked look on his face and they hold each other’s gazes for a tense moment.

And before the older can get past his confusion; can get any word past his lips, the younger is pressing him against the car seat in a heated kiss concealed by the heavily-tinted windows.

Seungyoun squeaks in surprise knowing full well that it is Hangyul who moves first, but he welcomes the kiss anyway, letting himself fantasise for a moment that the younger just doesn’t want him to go under the assumption that he is meeting another man. He fools himself into believing that the urgency in the way Hangyul is kissing him is, instead, a jealous, possessive edge.

He raises his hand to thread his fingers through Hangyul’s hair, while the other automatically slips under the younger’s shirt.

So weak for him. So desperate. Always.

Hangyul drowns Seungyoun with his mouth, smothering him with an intensity that forces the older’s mouth open so that their tongues are unashamed in their glide against each other. 

Then he slips a hand around Seungyoun’s waist, and the other under the older’s thigh; settling back on his seat so that the older is forced to clamber across the console and straddle Hangyul’s lap in the driver’s seat.

Seungyoun still has half the mind to despair over how helpless he is when it came to Hangyul; how his body is traitorously hardening in pleasure already as Hangyul directs his kisses all over his neck; the younger’s hands already messily untucking the hems of Seungyoun’s shirt from his pants to scale the planes of his torso under the fabric.

With his head thrown back to receive the younger’s open-mouthed kisses to his neck, it is only a matter of time before Seungyoun realizes that, with tears brimming in his eyes, and with all his veins & nerves burning up in desire, he is unable to stop himself from grinding his hips over & against Hangyul’s. 

“Fuck, Seungyoun.”

The lack of honorifics tells Seungyoun that Hangyul isn’t going to stop unless he asks him to.

And he isn’t any different. Even with the sting at the back of his eyes, and his chest tightening in heartbreak at the realization that this is the closest they will ever be; that this is the most he will ever have of Hangyul, he also knows he wants this . While this is still here. While this is still his. Or, at least, he can pretend that it is, in the meantime.

But wasn’t he just crying in the shower about this same guy an hour earlier?

The answer is lost to Seungyoun as skillful hands start to guide his undulating movements by the waist, and in between his own filthy whines, and the deep growls of pleasure from Hangyul; both of them uncaring about the world outside. Aware only of the heat from each other’s body, the sinful movement of their crotches, the way they are taking turns biting gently on each other’s lips, kissing, nibbling, and slipping their tongues into the other’s mouth.

“Hangyulie-” Seungyoun keens with a high pitch when he feels his full erection already leaking inside his underwear, the movement of his hips growing in speed before Hangyul is kissing him so deeply, and so dirtily, with a hand at the back of the older’s head, keeping their mouths fused in a passionate kiss.

A rough grunt of “Yes…” against Seungyoun’s mouth is the only response the younger can manage as his other hand pushes and pulls the older’s crotch against his. Faster. Harder. 

“Hnnnnggg…” Seungyoun purrs right at Hangyul’s ear, pawing aimlessly at the younger’s chest, and not knowing what to do with himself as he feels his release nearing.

“Can you cum for me?” Hangyul almost growls against Seungyoun’s neck as he feels that familiar knot of tension below his belly button already tightening and preparing to snap any second now. “Just like this?”

“Aaaahh…” Seungyoun breathes like a prayer, a promise, “Yes…” while a buzzing warmth overtakes his body and he realizes that he doesn’t have it in him now to be ashamed of the way they are humping each other to their orgasms. With their clothes on. In Hangyul’s car. He grips the younger’s shoulder and seeks his mouth again.

“Cum with me, Younie?”

It’s that nickname that makes Seungyoun whine. “Mmmm…”

“Baby, cum for me now…”

And because it was Hangyul, he does. (Perhaps for the last time, he comes for Hangyul.)

And Hangyul is right there, falling over the precipice of pleasure with him.

*

“Are you meeting with anyone?” Hangyul asks. And Seungyoun, who is back in the passenger seat after Hangyul’s sorry attempt to clean them both up as much as he can, whips his head to face the younger with his mouth hanging open because that was a question .

The same one he always has to keep himself from asking Hangyul whenever the younger seems to be in a hurry to flee after they make love - no, after they have sex.

The older is about to say something when the younger adds, “I know that’s a question and I know we are not supposed to ask each other any.”

“No, we aren’t,” Seungyoun asserts, feeling somewhat offended and insulted at how easily Hangyul throws everything between them out the window by doing this.

Why must he always get the shorter end of the stick when it comes to Hangyul? Why must he be the one who falls in love when he clearly isn’t supposed to? How can Hangyul break their agreement just like that, with no care at all about how doing so can very well end everything?

He locates where his ego was bruised and brews it into anger before he breaks down in tears again. “And in the countless times you rushed to leave me as soon as you get your fill of my body,” Seungyoun continues, “I have never asked you any. Not a single question.”

Hangyul silently digests the truth in the older’s words.

“I kept my word, Hangyul.”

Questions swam in his head.

Why can’t you?

Why are you asking me now?

Why does it seem so easy for you to end all this?

The younger is saucer-eyed, looking shocked at how upset Seungyoun got, and so quick. He avoids the incoming accusations that he saw coming from the older’s eyes and looks on ahead, resting his fists on the steering wheel.

“Did you really?” Hangyul chuckles bitterly causing steam to almost come out Seungyoun’s ears in annoyance, as he watches the striking yet tense set of the younger’s jaw.

Months of pain in Hangyul’s immediate departure, and pain in having to bite his tongue and settle with what they have initially agreed upon, culminates into this moment as it takes everything in him to not bolt out the door.

They need to have this conversation but boy, is Seungyoun mad. “Tell me when have I ever-” the older challenges the other with a laugh that is equal parts incredulous and bitter, but the way Hangyul turns to face him again was slow and deliberate. And it stuns Seungyoun to silence for a moment.

“Seungyoun hyung,” Hangyul begins, and the older braces himself, not saying anything to let the other continue, yet knowing that whatever Hangyul is going to say, he will never be ready for.

And he would be correct.

“We also agreed we will never develop feelings for each other, Seungyoun hyung…”

The older gapes, feeling his blood drain from his face.

Hangyul knew - have known - that Seungyoun is in love with him. For how long?

The older's ears ring and his breaths quicken but damn if he is going to admit it now. So he grapples for a denial to salvage himself & his pride with; the courage to lie, if only to save face. But words fail him.

“You love me, Seungyoun hyung,” Hangyul finally states matter-of-factly, with his eyebrows knitting together, and his eyes searching Seungyoun’s for a confirmation. “ I know you do.”

“I don’t,” Seunyoun grinds his teeth; the burn of their clashing gazes almost too much as he tries to stand by his own lie. “You are wrong.”

And that makes Hangyul whip his head back in surprise, not expecting his certainty about Seungyoun’s feelings for him to be shot down by the older himself. “Liar.”

“I really don’t,” Seungyoun insists a beat too quickly because dammit, he has his dignity to protect. “I don’t fall in love with men who need to fucking work on their dismount; who goes running for the hills as soon as we finish. Every single fucking time. I don’t love you, Lee Hangyul. How could I love a man who never even stays?” 

If his heart has not begun cracking moments ago, Seungyoun is sure it is being torn and shattering into pieces right now.

He doesn’t know which hurts more: having to pretend in order to protect himself & his feelings, or hurting the man he actually loves in the process of doing so, because his words seem to hit all the weakest points in Hangyul as Seungyoun watches the younger’s mouth hang open at his spiteful words; Hangyul’s eyes practically begging him to take his words back.

Truth is, he shouldn’t love a man who can never love him back. But Hangyul is the exception.

Yet Seungyoun also knows that to make Hangyul love him back is to move a mountain. He has long accepted that. And now, it seems like they are finally at the end of the road.

Even if they aren’t in love with each other, the fact that they are having this fight means that they both have invested more than they should have - that they both have overstepped their boundaries.

Seungyoun knows, that now, they both have to agree to end this here. Half-heartedly, he wants to. Finally. They have to, before there is nothing more left of his dignity and pride.

Hangyul’s chest heaves like he’d just ran a marathon, yet he lifts a hand and reaches out to touch the older.

But Seungyoun presses his back as close to the door as possible, flinching away. And even if it is because he knows that he will crumble at the slightest touch from Hangyul, the younger interprets it as disgust.

Hangyul retracts his hand and gives Seungyoun another heart-wrenching stare before he averts his gaze again. “It seems like I’m gravely mistaken,” he chuckles to himself mirthlessly. “I’m way in over my head.”

“I can’t do this,” Seungyoun mutters. “Please,” and he tries once again to push the door open. 

But again, Hangyul is pulling it close before the older can.

When the older gives him an affronted look, Hangyul uses his free hand to reach behind to the backseat for a hoodie.

“Use this,” the younger softly offers, pointing to the wet patch in front of Seungyoun’s pants.

Feeling mortified, Seungyoun concedes and accepts the hoodie, declaring, “I’ll just go back home.”

“Let me drive you.”

He looks at Hangyul again, if only to brand the image of the younger’s soft, pleading eyes beneath his eyelids because he knows that once he leaves this car, he is never seeing the younger again.

This is goodbye.

So Seungyoun nods.

*

Seungyoun is left hoping that Hangyul will return in his life as quickly as he disappeared from it.

He looks for Hangyul everywhere - his inbox, his call logs, his sns accounts. He even looks for him in his favorite places - places he has never even gone to with Hangyul.

He feels pathetic. But isn’t that the usual when it comes to the younger?

Knowing that there is no reversing how Hangyul & him has fallen out, Seungyoun even attempts to start online dating. However, he never gets himself past inputting a fake nickname and a fake age.

Truth is, he has never been as truthful, honest, and bare to anyone as he was with Hangyul. Even if their activities outside the bedroom were more nonexistent than limited, there was just something about Hangyul that stripped him of all inhibitions & pretense,

Hangyul had effectively, brick by brick, dismantled the wall Seungyoun has long fortified to protect his heart. Now, his heart lays bare & wasted. Empty once more, now that Hangyul is gone.

He has had boyfriends before entering his arrangement with Hangyul but none of them has ever made him feel as safe, comfortable, and uninhibited enough to go as intimate as he had been with Hangyul.

And now he has totally lost him.

Seungyoun’s legs started burning and he slowed down just enough to check the time on his wristwatch. It’s nine in the evening. Meaning, he has been jogging aimlessly through the residential streets of the town for more than half an hour. Nonstop.

He slows down into a crouched position, hands on his knees, huffing like a madman to catch his breath. Sweat dribbles down the side of his face, some onto the ground and he straightens up to wonder which street his feet have taken him to.

“Seungyoun hyung?”

He whips around to where the voice is coming from and comes face to face with none other than Lee Hangyul.

Only then does he realize that he has, in fact, jogged long enough that he has travelled the less than humble distance between Hangyul’s place and his.

He notes the finished popsicle stick Hangyul was still sucking on, the younger’s outfit of black sweatpants, plain white tee, and a black baseball cap. Hangyul’s hair seems to have grown longer than Seungyoun has ever seen him wear it and he swears the younger seems to have lost significant weight, too.

“I was jogging,” the older blurts out defensively before he ends up saying something really stupid like ask Hangyul if he was eating & sleeping well. Have you been seeing anyone? Have you replaced me?

“I see that,” Hangyul stops in front of him, a hand in his pocket and another occupied by the popsicle stick & a plastic bag that clearly has snacks in them. “You’re quite a distance from your neighborhood.”

“I had a lot on my mind,” Seungyoun says, brushing his sticky, sweaty hair away from his face with two awkward hands. “I didn’t realize I’ve covered so much distance. Or that it was getting late.”

God, he missed Hangyul so much he will throw his arms around the younger if he isn’t bathing in his own sweat. No, that isn’t it. He will do it had the situation been different. Better.

But he can still hear Hangyul’s quick & short, “I guess not.” 

It was his reply to Seungyoun’s “We can’t see each other again anymore. We can’t,” before he went out of the other’s car the last time.

Those were their last words to each other-

“I have been thinking about you, Seungyoun hyung…”

It feels like the air has been punched out of Seungyoun’s lungs and he balks, wondering where the younger was trying to go with this.

(Hangyul sighs at his own confession. He senses the suffocating awkwardness & tension crackling between them but his words were out before he even realized it.)

And it’s then that Seungyoun realizes that, in the last month, he still hasn’t grown an inch resistant to Hangyul. That it was easy - still way too easy for Hangyul to affect him so, and to get under his skin. In more ways than one.

He, sooner rather than later, swims to the deep end again. As if he hasn’t been through enough pain the past month.

And so Seungyoun finds himself in Hangyul’s bed again about fifteen minutes later - a glaring proof that although a lot of things have changed, not everything has. Clearly, they still have trouble keeping their mouths & hands off of each other. If anything, the month away has only intensified their mutual longing to touch & be touched by the other.

“Please tell me there’d been no one else in the past month, Seungyoun hyung,” Hangyul pleads in a broken voice as he unties the robe, strips Seungyoun of it, and takes in the view of the older naked and aroused in front of him. Then he presses a soft kiss to Seungyoun’s collarbone, greedily sniffing on the smell of his own body wash on the older’s skin. “Lie to me if you have to-”

“Gyulie…” Seungyoun sighs in sheer relief, falling back on the bed and pulling Hangyul down on top of him so that the younger is hovering over him, mind reeling at the fact that he has Hangyul in his embrace again.

“Tell me, please…” the younger mumbles against the skin of Seungyoun’s chest, hands already spreading the older’s thighs apart.

Seungyoun stops his hands and pulls him up for a kiss; wet, wild, and tinged with the deep longing to have the taste of Hangyul’s mouth on his tongue again.

The younger grunts hungrily into the kiss, aware that the older hasn’t given him the reply that he is asking for yet.

“Hmmm...” Seungyoun hums instead, eliciting an impatient growl from the back of Hangyul’s throat as he pulls away to look down at the older underneath him; skin shimmering with a thin sheen of moisture from the shower, eyes glassy & hooded as they look up at him, and cheeks tinted with a furious blush of arousal.

Hangyul lifts a hand to caress the older’s cheek, only to feel it grow even warmer in his hand as Seungyoun rubs against the contact like a kitten. “My Younie…”

Seungyoun nods and Hangyul stills for a moment before a handsome smile splits his face and he is all cute, bunching cheeks.

Watching Hangyul strip down to completely nothing, Seungyoun wonders if he was dreaming or not as he lays spread eagled on the bed.

But Hangyul was right there, finally naked and crawling back over Seungyoun.

“I fucking missed you,” the younger says in wonder, eyes roaming all over the older’s face which he is holding in his hand, before arresting the older’s mouth with his again.

Seungyoun cups the younger’s shoulder blades, revelling at the way their heated bodies are pressing so closely against each other - their chests, their crotches. 

He first gasps at Hangyul nibbling on his lower lip but after a moment, it was the younger’s forefinger and middle finger on Seungyoun’s mouth.

The soft & gentle weight of Hangyul’s digits on his tongue gives him both a flashback of how things used to be and a foreshadowing of where the night is clearly headed towards. So Seungyoun hums around them as Hangyul watches him work his lips and tongue around them, lazily stroking Seungyoun into a full erection, eliciting the lewdest of moans that Hangyul could feel very well around his fingers.

“Fuck…” he growls again as Seungyoun begins to rock his hips against the younger’s hand; the older’s smaller fingers wrapping around Hangyul’s own arousal while he continues to lap, and lick all over Hangyul’s fingers.

When the younger draws them away, Seungyoun finally spreads his thighs in invitation and closes his eyes. 

Everything feels like a lucid, fever dream.

The way Hangyul kisses his eyebrow as he prepares Seungyoun’s body before taking him. The way Seungyoun could press his mouth all over the younger’s shoulders and collar bones as he is practically reduced into a whining, mewling, whimpering mess. The way Hangyul’s long, deep, strokes fill him with so much warmth. And the way they cum together while staring at each other’s eyes, mouths an inch away from each other’s, hanging open as they reach their release together.

And for the first time, Hangyul spoons him instead of cleaning up, and Seungyoun closes his eyes.

Back to reality.

Of course, Hangyul will stay - this was Hangyul’s place.

He is smart enough to not expect anything to come out of this. If he is calculating everything right, Hangyul probably just misses his body. A one-off thing. To blow off the steam. Since they coincidentally met in the younger’s neighborhood anyway.

Lucky for Seungyoun, he doesn’t have to do his usual stare-at-the-ceiling-and-not-watch-Hangyul-leave because he is the one who needs to do the leaving. 

But he feels the warmth seeping from Hangyul’s palm where it crawls from his waist to his tummy, pulling him back closer to his chest.

They both know it’s over. It has been over for a month. This is just nothing but pure coincidence meeting pure weakness at both their parts tonight. It might not even - no, it has to never happen again.

A lone tear escapes his eye as he feels Hangyul sniffing his hair and pressing a soft kiss at the back of his neck right before Seungyoun pushes himself up so that he is seated at the edge of the bed.

He will stay forever if Hangyul will, too, but Seungyoun knows better now than to hope for that.

“Younie…” he hears and feels Hangyul sitting up, too, by the rustling sound of the sheets.

“I’m sorry,” Seungyoun speaks softly, staring at the wall in front of him, “I promise I didn’t mean to be loitering around your neighborhood for this.” He doesn’t even bother turning around to face Hangyul. Yet he feels the other’s arms coming around his waist.

“I know.” Hangyul’s cheeks were pressed against his back. “But I want you to stay anyway.”

Seungyoun wishes it was like this then. But Seungyoun knows better than to wish for something that isn’t founded on real feelings anyway.

Yes, he loves Hangyul, but not to the point of letting himself - his body - to be used and toyed with for nothing more than a few hours of pleasure in bed. Not only does Seungyoun want more; he knows he deserves better than that. It is just unfortunate for him to fall in love with someone who offers nothing that could really last.

He was able to stay away from Hangyul for a month. He can do it again. It will not be easy, but he knows he can. A month. Then another. One day at a time until he forgets all the sweet praises that Hangyul has to offer when he is buried deep inside him. One day at a time until he forgets the way Hangyul kisses him almost reverently as their hips meet & part in the most intimate of ways. One day at a time until he can’t remember the smell of Hangyul’s skin anymore; how it feels to have the younger’s scent imprinted on his own skin until he takes a proper shower. One day at a time until it doesn’t anymore hurt to visualize Hangyul with someone else.

“Let me go? Please?” he pleads, not strong enough to rip Hangyul’s arms from around him, both emotionally and physically.

Hangyul, instead, tightens his arm around Seungyoun. “No. Don’t disappear like that again, please, hyung. The last month was fucking torture.”

“Hangyul, we agreed we couldn’t-”

“And we also agreed to not develop feelings then, too.”

“I know-”

“Yet I did.”

A gasp left Seungyoun and he shoots up to stand, still refusing to face the other as he tries to make sense of Hangyul’s words while convincing himself that the last few seconds were nothing but just a figment of his imagination.

Hangyul surely did not just- 

They keep silent for a tense, stretched moment where the younger just waits for Seungyoun to turn around and face him, to no avail.

So Hangyul speaks up. “Can you be the one to break the agreement this time, hyung? I’ve fallen for you when I shouldn't have. Can you please be the one to not stay away for another month when you should? Please? We don’t even have to-”

“Lee Hangyul,” Seungyoun cuts him off, now realizing that without the younger’s warmth around him, his body suffers the loss with a slight tremble. “Are you messing with me now?” he asks, finally turning to face the younger. (Naked, nevertheless.)

But Hangyul doesn’t seem to care. Picking on the lint from the duvet cover in awkwardness, Hangyul whispers, “I was a jerk for accusing you of having feelings for me. I really thought you did. But I realized I was just projecting.”

Seungyoun gapes.

And Hangyul continues, “You were right. I never even gave you any reason, any chance, any time to… like me… when I’m always out the door sooner than any of us can recover from our, uhm, what we do in bed.”

“You…”

“I think I love you, Seungyoun hyung. There. In case it isn't clear the first time.”

Seungyoun is sure he was about to cry any second now.

Hangyul continues, “I would have slept around the past month if I didn’t. I would have been able to sleep - literally just sleep - if things didn’t end the way they did. But I couldn’t. Because every night I would imagine you with someone else and I wouldn’t be able to sleep because it fucking scares me-”

A finger to his lips - Seungyoun’s finger to his lips - stops him from saying any further. So he finally lifts his eyes to meet Seungyoun’s, lifting his hands to lower the older’s hand from his lips, and to press a soft kiss at the back of it.

“Hold up. I think you just said you think you love me…” Seungyoun says, dumbfounded as he watches Hangyul’s thumbs tenderly rubbing the back of his hand as if it is something precious and as if he isn’t planning to let go.

Hangyul only nods, biting down on his bottom lip nervously.

“But…” Seungyoun draws a shaky breath. “You never stayed over. You never even hold me after-”

“I know,” Hangyul lifts the older’s hand to his lips, pressing a soft kiss to the knuckles before he continues, “I was afraid I was never going to let you go once I do. I didn’t wanna become greedy. That wasn’t in our agreement. But I hurt you. And I will hold you for days if I knew it then. Hell, I promise to hold you from now on - for years - if you let me. If you let me do this right…”

When he lifts his head to look at Seungyoun, he panics at the tears streaming down the older’s face silently, the back of a hand pressed to Seungyoun’s lips.

So he surges forward and takes the older’s face in his hands, driven by concern, instinct, and maybe the need to just touch the other.

And as Seungyoun looks at him - breaks his heart - through tear-stricken eyes and small sobs that pull the corner of the older’s lips downward, Hangyul promises, “These will be the last tears I will let you shed in sadness over again if you will take me. Please. Seungyoun hyung. Give me this chance.” He swipes at the tears with his thumbs, chasing each one before they trail down Seungyoun’s cheeks. “Please.”

“Hangyul…”

*

“Hangyul.”

At the sound of his name, the younger lifts his head from Seungyoun and looks down at the older who was caged between his arms. “Hmmm?” he hums, panting, holding eye contact for a moment.

“I love you so much,” Seungyoun breathes, holding Hangyul’s face between his hands, thumb gingerly caressing the other’s bottom lip. 

Turning his head, Hangyul murmurs the return of the sentiment against Seungyoun’s palm. “I love you, too. So much.”

And then the older was tugging on Hangyul’s wrist, closing his eyes as he takes two of the younger’s fingers into his mouth, and Hangyul knew exactly what was coming next.

“Fuck, baby…” he rasps, watching the older work his lips and tongue over and around his forefinger and middle finger.

Seungyoun hums, then returns Hangyul’s fingers to himself, prompting the younger to start stretching and preparing him. “Fuck-” he sings, fisting on the sheets, canting his hips back so that Hangyul’s fingers buries deeper inside him. He muffles a high-pitched moan when the younger twists his hand, savoring the snug fit of Seungyoun's walls around his digits.

Hangyul’s eyes roll to the back of his head as he imagines how even more tightly Seungyoun’s boy can open around him; how even hotter. “Seungyounie…” he groans and the older answers with a whine. “May I? Now?”

“Please…”

Hangyul sighs, taking his fingers out of Seungyoun, patiently and almost reverently running his fingertips over each one of Seungyoun’s dips, corners; the tattoos, and all his sensitive zones, making the older shiver.

He runs a hand up the older’s forearm until their palms were pressed together, fingers interlaced with each other while his free hand lines himself up to Seungyoun’s heat.

Seungyoun writhes, pulling Hangyul down with both hands around his neck so that he is kissing the younger. “Come on, Hangyul…” he urges and it’s sheer warmth when the younger complies, pushing forward. He arches his back off of the bed with a moan because god, is Hangyul stretching & filling him up so good.

“Does it hurt?” the younger asks in slight worry, seemingly holding his breath and each & every muscle in fear that he is making his lover uncomfortable.

When Seungyoun just takes in deep breaths in and out, form relaxing under him, he begins to pull out making the older’s legs wrap around his hips to pull him in deeper. All the way to the hilt.

“Don’t,” Seungyoun pants, mouth open as he heaves in & out, his hands running hungrily up and down Hangyul’s back. “Don’t you dare stop.”

“Fuck,” Hangyul nearly chokes as the older’s body opens up to accommodate him. “You feel so good, baby.”

“Then move.”

As always with Seungyoun since they got together, Hangyul complies to his own detriment as the older’s body clings onto his in a maddening combination of heat, tightness, and wetness.

“Faster…” Seungyoun urges.

“Babe-”

The older clings onto his shoulders, now arching his neck while Hangyul attacks it with wild, open-mouthed kisses, muffling the deep, low growls that escapes him as he speeds up and their bodies begin making the unmistakable sound of skin slapping against skin, the wet, sliding sound of his body as it enters & leaves Seungyoun’s.

“Hangyul… I’m close.”

“So am I hyung-”

“I want it,” Seungyoun purrs, dragging Hangyul’s hand by the wrist to his erection.

“Tell me where, baby-”

“Inside, please. Inside.”

Hangyul finds his release, as his hand finds Seungyoun, pumping him in time with his own hips as he rides out his pleasure, wringing the older’s orgasm out to join his.

Moments later find Seungyoun spacing out, dizzy with love & the waves of pleasure still thrumming through his entire body as Hangyul gets rid of the damp towel he’d just cleaned them both up with.

“Oh to be a king,” Hangyul jokingly chuckles, “Lying naked, just waiting for his slave.” He spoons the older's form against his as he speaks, Seungyoun letting himself be pulled close.

Hangyul’s body is so warm, yet Seungyoun feels even warmer as his heart swells with emotion and the realization that from now on, he doesn’t have to worry about Hangyul leaving him anymore.

“A penny for your thoughts?” Hangyul asks, basking at how perfectly Seungyoun fits in his embrace. He can’t believe this is what he’s forced himself to miss out on.

Seungyoun hums thoughtfully and aligns his body so that their chests & stomachs are pressing intimately together with his legs entangling themselves with Hangyul’s.

“Since when?” the older whispers as he inches up a little to lay his head on Hangyul’s arm, staring at the younger’s strikingly attractive looks highlighted by how he looks exponentially softer with his hair all mussed up by their lovemaking; lips bitten red, and eyes hooded.

And Hangyul doesn't have to ask Seungyoun what he means by the question. He knows the older was seeking some assurance with the knowledge of where and when the younger’s feelings were founded upon.

“When you were sick…”

The older frowns, urging the younger to continue.

“I realized I could have left you to rest, but I couldn’t. Just the thought of leaving you while you shivered in delirium with high how your fever was made me feel sick to my stomach. I was so scared. That what my mother did for me whenever I ran a fever wouldn’t work on you. And I felt so guilty.”

“Guilty?"

“Because you looked so happy to see me when I woke you up from the couch, while I had just been purposefully staying away.”

“Okay,” Seungyoun interrupts. “You have to explain.”

“I was beginning to catch feelings.” Heat suffuses the younger's cheeks; he cannot believe he is about to tell Seungyoun everything. “I saw you on some café with another guy one day and it took everything in me not to walk over to you and your companion and stake my claim right there and declare that just the night before, you were screaming my name. That that very morning, I was still wearing the marks from where you scratched down my back with your nails just the night before. But there you were laughing with another man while wearing the hickies I gave you under your sweater. It’s fucked up but I realized where the possessiveness and jealousy came from and it scared me. So I stayed away. And when I finally couldn’t take it, you waited. While running a fever. You know how that both broke me and gave me hope? It was hella confusing.”

Yeah, it’s a whole ass grand declaration of love made in the post-orgasm glow with their bodies naked, sweaty, and sated, and from it, Seungyoun is filled with so many emotions both foreign yet certain,that he can only stare up at Hangyul with a soft smile. He just doesn’t have the words with which to tell the younger man how it makes him feel to hear those words.

“What?” Hangyul nervously chuckles at Seungyoun’s teary, glazing over eyes seemingly searching for something. “You asked,” he mutters shyly.

“I know,” Seungyoun giddily singsongs. “And I’m glad I did.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Because now I know you love me almost as much as I love you.”

“Debatable. I love you more than anyone could ever love someone.”

“No way,” Seungyoun breathes as he pushes Hangyul to lie on his back.

Hangyul only raises an eyebrow at him, lips curling in an intrigued manner. “What are you up to now- Fuuuuuck ,” he groans as Seungyoun wraps his short fingers around Hangyul, stroking languidly as he watched the younger’s eyes close in pleasure.

“Why don’t I show you how much I love you, babe?” Seungyoun asks against Hangyul’s neck.

And Hangyul couldn’t answer, only nodding in urgency as it takes everything within him not to buck his hips up against his lover’s fist.

Seungyoun smirks.

Oh, he’ll definitely show him.

So he wastes no time, and promptly starts his lips’ journey down the wonderland that was Hangyul’s body.

“I’ll take that as a yes ,” Seungyoun wickedly giggles against Hangyul’s skin.

Notes:

yes it's GYULZZ/GYULYOUN dynamics and what about it? anw, uploading this anonymously as i have done with my previoua porn fics lmao