Chapter Text
The strong smell of firewhiskey and spiked pumpkin juice filled his nose uncomfortably, vaguely cursing at his heightened sense during this time of the month. The usually cozy room, normally filled with scarlet and gold colours and snug armchairs and sofas, was now filled with retro tables, flying cauldrons of alcoholic drinks, and huge quantities of food. Peppermint tarts littered the ground with sticky pudding, and he had to be careful not to step on anything that did not match the red carpet.
Remus flinched down as the next song screeched loudly and agonized his ears, turning his head along with other students toward the noise. The record player had toppled to the ground, it’s needle scratching against the now ruined record violently.
He took the opportunity to dive into the mob again, trying vainly to reach the side of the room without anyone pulling him into the spotlight. Soon enough everyone's attention was away from the player, and continued their intrusive movements as someone started playing music again.
Differently from other parties, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff students had also joined the Gryffindors in this celebration.
Remus missed last year- he missed the smaller birthday parties, nights in which only the four Marauders spent the night chatting and playing with James’s enchanted board games, sharing sweets and watching the reactions to presents.
Though it was James’ idea to fill the common room with a legendary mob of teenage couples and drink like there's no tomorrow, Sirius was quick to accept and begin planning months earlier. They ignored his look of disappointment as they sneaked in barrels of butterbeer, but he had to admit he was impressed at how quickly they learned the silencing spells.
Speaking of said spells- they seemed to be faltering.
He had noticed how the portrait opened a few times, letting in small groups of students who had not been present previously, most of them lacking the tangy smell of liquor, and eyes full of wonder at the tumultuous scene.
Remus was finally able to reach the stone stairways up to the dorm rooms as Lovegood let a bucket full of fireworks burst in the air- the domed ceiling of the chamber splashing in colour and earning waves of cheers from the sea of wizards.
As he turned to watch the spectacle, something caught his eyes.
It was Sirius.
Those grey eyes caught his with an obvious lack of drunken behaviour- intense and clear as crystal. He smiled, sweetly, terribly unlike the seductive smirk that went with him during the day.
Happy Birthday, Padfoot.
While in his mind the shared trance lasted an eternity, reality brought him back to know it had only lasted a few seconds. The attention of the raven haired boy was easily taken by more fireworks, and the momentum was gone. Something inside him longed for a feeling. But-
A wave of nausea overcame him and he felt his knees weaken. His hand shot up to hold against whatever was in reach just to avoid crashing on the ground. Said object was a ponytail of blonde hair and a small screech.
“Why y-”
The girl’s voice was drowned as she was pulled in the direction of the fireplace, and soon her anger was forgotten in a bliss of passion with an older Hufflepuff that made Remus cringe.
His gaze shot towards the window, the uneasiness returning as the near full moon shone through the crystal, vaguely present to the other wizards. It was best not to focus on the dread of his transformation this weekend.
“Remus?”
Lily was perched on the bottom of the stair, smiling vaguely at him from behind half a treacletart. Its filing was sticky on her lips and dripping against her wrist.
“H-Hey.”
“Are you feeling all right? I saw you getting all-”
“Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, just….” he rubbed his neck. “Not really a fan of these things.”
She nodded in empathy and sat down, patting the spot next to her, which he accepted.
“If you think this is madness, think about what they’ll do on their seventeenth birthday.” She muttered.
Remus smiled to himself- there had already been speculation on said subject during on of his letters with James, but nothing too specific. But knowing his friends, it would most likeley end in something grand and explosive.
“What about you? Enjoying the party?”
Lily frowned, motioning her treacle tart. “Kind of. I was dancing with Jenkins until he decided to get us drinks and never returned.”
“That pompous ass?”
“Remy!” she giggled, slapping his shoulder gently. “He's really nice!”
“He's an insufferable snob. Why do you even like him so much?”
“Well for starters, he's a gentleman-”
“Who left you hanging in a party?” he interjected.
Lily's expression fell a little. “Fine. He may be pretty stuck up but we had fun tonight. And its hard to find a dancing partner.”
“Severus doesn't dance?”
He didn't mean to be rude at all, on the contrary. He'd already accepted that she cherished them both as good friends and would have to bear with the long haired boy in order to keep his relationship with Lily. Snape had not viewed him the same way and continued on the never ending battle between the Marauders and himself.
“We've had a rough few weeks.”
“Want to talk about it?” he offered, producing a handkerchief out of thin air and giving it to her.
Lily gave him a grateful look as she wiped her lips. “He's…. I always thought he was different from other Slytherins, you know? But lately he's been hanging out with Mulciber and Crabb, even Malfoy, even if they don't get along. And he’ll ignore me when I try to tell him how wretched those people are. And…”
He raised an eyebrow. “And?”
“I…” Lily hesitated, hushing her tone. “I caught him in the prohibited section a few nights ago. I forgot my satchel and sneaked in to fetch it, only to see him collecting books on dark magic.”
Remus stared at her. The news did not surprised him at all, but he didn't quite expect her to tell him.
“Don't look at me that way.” she complained.
“I'm not-”
“I know you don't like him-”
“Lily.” He interjected. “I don't care about Snape anymore. We're not kids anymore, running around and hexing each other. I don't understand how you like him so much, but its your friendship, so I respect it.”
Lily bit her lip, pondering for a moment before continuing. “I'm worried for him. He has a good heart, Rem, he truly does. But these people- his housemates are bringing him down the wrong path. And it will not end nicely.”
She seemed concerned, but before he could try with some sort of advise she spoke again.
“In the end I told him I would have to spend some time alone until he decided against dark magic. He was sour, but I stand by my point. So here I am, sitting in a party while my date has vanished.”
She rested her head on her fist and kept watching the dancing bodies that still flowed with the rythm.
Remus could only look at her. Lily was always a pretty girl, now more than ever. She had grown during the summer- her hips were slightly wider and the acne that usually gathered on her nose had vanished, living only tiny dots that resembled orange freckles. Her hair was shinier, longer and vibrant, making him want to run his fingers through it (and reminding him of another, darker shade of hair).
“What about you, Rem?” she asked.
“What about me?”
“Like anybody?”
He felt his face flush in heat and had to look away as she giggled softly. “N-no, not r-really.”
“You're stuttering again.”
“No I’m n-not!”
She only laughed harder, and he had to accept defeat.
“I don't know. I don't really like anybody.”
“What about Bones (or just random last name? She's been keeping an eye on you when we go to the library.”
“That,” he said. “Is because I lend her my notes in Arthimecy. That's all.”
“You really really dont like anyone?”
He sighed, imitiating her pose and resting his head on his palm. “I like you.”
Lily stopped laughing but regarded him with a smile. “I like you too Remus.”
“Well, if you dot to- would you, uh…” he whispered the last part.
“What?”
“You heard me.”
“Remus I didn't!”
He scowled but muttered again. “Would you like to go get some butterbeer this weekend at the Three Broomsticks?”
Lily smirked, mirroring one of James’s smug grins. “Lupin, are you asking me on a date?”
“No! I m-mean, yeah.. b-but as in, you k-know-”
Lily laughed again as he dissolved into a stuttering mess.
“Of course, Remy. I'd love to.”
His stomach stopped twisting in nervousness, which was short lived as she stood up in a flash, nearly slapping his face with her elbow.
“There he is!” she pointed at someone a few bodies away from them.
“What?”
“Jenkins!” She turned to him and kissed his cheek in a swift motion. “Pick me up at nine.”
“W-where are you g-going?”
She took out her wand, casting a small enchantment on the remains of the treacletart until its goopy filling started dripping. “I'm going to make him pay for leaving me.”
He watched her go, sliding through the crowd, but didn't stay to watch Jenkins suffer her wrath. Finally, he scrambled up the stairs, sighing softly as the noise drowned with the door closed. His bed looked inviting from its space in the circular room, but his thoughts of a soft pillow were interrupted by a loud Yelp.
He turned around immediately, stepping back with his wand out to-
James, shirt popped open and belt unbuckled, emerged from one of the beds. His eyes were dancing in drunken stupidity as a girl appeared behind him, giggling and blushing when she saw Remus. Before either one of them could say anything she kissed James’s cheek and flew out of the dorm room swiftly.
“Seriously?” He said, crossing his arms.
James was about to say something before his throat contracted and his skin went green, giving Remus less than a second to conjure a bucket for him to puke in. As the raven haired boy kept emptying his stomach he sighed and approached his nightstand, rummaging through his things without any purpose.
“Uhh, Moony. Just uh…”
James looked less sick when he turned to face him, and bit his lower lip momentarily, scanning him for a few seconds and making Remus squirm uncomfortably under his gaze.
“I'm not going to tell anyone, if that's what worries you.” Remus replied, ducking to the side and approching his bed.
James' grin didn't last long. “What about you? Met anyone-”
“No, James-“
“No one at-“
“Drop it. Please.”
His friend remained quiet, and Remus silently thanked the heavens for dropping the uncomfortable question.
“I assume Sirius is with Marlene?” He asked
“What-no. Of course not.”
“Why?” He tried not to sound too interested, flipping a book open without meeting James' eyes.
“They broke up a month ago.”
This surprised him. Sirius was usually a private person in specific affairs, but, in the vast topic of girls, he never failed to ruin their evenings with detailed descriptions of the relationships. For a while in their third year, Remus had envied the boy for his way with women- Sirius never had to worry about his body or confidence, never feared that any scar would scare people away or recoil in disgust.
“Remus?”
“What?” He snapped, coming back to reality.
James threw his hands in the air, feigning innocence, and he groaned internally.
“I didn’t mean to snap-”
“No, I get it. “ James interrupted. “this isn’t really your thing.”
Remus decided that having this already weird conversation take that turn was better than any question regarding his romantic interests, so he just faked an expression of relief and nodded. James smiled, less cocky and more friendly than before, and swung an arm to touch his shoulder.
“Just go to bed, if you want. Or borrow my earmuffs- I know your silencers broke a few days ago.”
Remus could only shoot him a grateful glance before walking away and breaking the physical contact.
“I’ll ask Sirius if we can do a smaller celebration tomorrow. Just the four of us.”
“Nah, it’s fine. You three are enjoying yourselves.”
James smirked. “You should too- but hey, everybody has different opinions, right?”
He finally buttoned his shirt back up, looking disheveled but at least decent to watch.
“You’re going back down there?”
“Hell yeah. There’s so much to do before Minnie finds us-“
“James, you’re in no state to talk to her-“
“Well you’re not either. You ain’t taking the blame for this one, Brains.”
James leaned towards him and ruffled his hair gently, and Remus knew there was no way to refuse or argue against him. Eventually he’d show some form of gratefulness- perhaps help them with an essay or final, maybe learn that sticker spell Sirius seemed so interested in. Without saying anything else, James vanished down the stairs, being considerate enough to close the door with a lock on his way down.
Sleeping was out of the question as every time he closed his eyes, he saw his transformation-nails beginning to grow in a superior speed, dark fur covering his naked body, pupils darkening and becoming bigger.
Sighing, he finally settled on the bed and took out his copy of a Brief History of Time. Scanning through the pages, his mind did not focus on the words, but on the memory of how he got it, thankfully replacing the memory of what would happen the next four nights.
Sirius had surprised him with it for his last birthday. As James had prompted earlier, he wasn’t one for huge celebrations-oh no. Privacy was one of his biggest desires when it came to parties, and the three Marauders always respected that. But he hadn’t been expecting an extra gift after James and Peter practically showered him with chocolates. A small packet on the edge of his bed, wrapped in royal blue with a small note.
Happy birthday, Moons. Just a little extra chocolate as well as a gift. -Padfoot
The book was a hardcover, illustrated with extra images that were not in the original copy he had seen in muggle libraries during the summer, and smelled of burnt wood and lemon cest.
He loved it.
Returning the favour was a little harder. What could he possibly offer Sirius in a tight budget and knowing the boy had many things at his disposal?
After sleepless nights of debating, he came to a conclusion that a scarf would do. So now, instead of overthinking, he spent late hours knitting a soft string into a maroon scarf, hoping with every twist of the cotton that Sirius wouldn't find the gift pathetically humble. He had placed it on Sirius's bed, just as the boy had that same year, this time wrapped in a modest purple paper, with a small note wishing him a pleasant day.
A loud bang outside the door made him jump out of his skin. A few particles of lilac and yellow filtered from the bottom of the door- more Filibuster fireworks, he presumed. Pretending that hadn’t scared him just a bit, he went back to the book in his hands. Soon, he was laying down, nose in a book, lost from the world until he eventually went to bed, his dreams succumbing to the nightmares of becoming the most hated creature in the wizarding world.
- - - - - - - - - -
As the final round of Karaoke and firewhiskey left a quidditch beater unconscious, he finally found a chance to slip out of the room unnoticed. James was too intoxicated to even speak as he passed by the corner of the book cases, making the task of collecting the cloak easy.
After hours of partying, drunken renditions of The Witch Sisters songs, and a few games of Truth or Dare and Spin the Bottle, most everyone in the room had either passed out, with promise of a terrible hangover come morning, had gone up to their dorm hours ago, or were, like James and some unnamed Hufflepuff girl, snogging.
As the portrait creaked open into the dark hall and he swung on the clock, Sirius Black’s smile disappeared with the same versatility as his figure. He didn't need the map to make his way through the towering arches and stone walls, or light in that matter, knowing each step by heart. The North Tower was slightly far, but he didn't mind walking.
The Tower was empty, silent except for the occasional squeak from nature. As he let the cloak fall on the ground, his eyes were attracted to the moon’s twinkling reflection on the great lake. The night sky welcomed him with its breeze, caressing his sides with darkness that wrapped around like a metaphorical blanket. The small corner behind the huge brass telescope allowed him an opening where safety rail hadn't been placed- or perhaps blasted away in an incident and never repaired. A protective spell already surrounded all of the castle's towers to prevent any falls; a rush of adrenaline still hit him every time he swung his legs over the ledge.
Nobody knew of his small hiding spot, not even the Marauders. He was careful to cover his tracks- only coming up here during sleepless midnights and whenever Remus made Peter and James stay in the library to catch up with assignments.
After sitting down, his fingers traced the brings just below one of the pillars, eventually finding a crease in the stone and digging the tile out. His cigarettes were still there, intact but covered in dust.
It was his ritual: a cigarette or two per night, no words and just thought on nights of turmoil or just emotional emptiness. Tonight was no different to those, birthday or no birthday. November third.
The stars shone, but not as brightly as the moon, which washed everything with its silver splendor. He let himself forget everything, even if just for a few hours, and get lost in the ocean of lights. The wind whipped against his hair, throwing it back in disorder, and the coolness of the night bit against his skin as he discarded his jacket.
He didn't mind the extreme weather, never had, and felt a specific, unnamed freedom in choosing to engulf the night for himself.
So much silence.
The vapor of his cigarette burned down his throat and he felt tears prickle in his eyes. This peace wouldn't last long.
In school he was Sirius Black, part of the legendary prankster duo with James Potter, a heartbreaking sweetheart that swayed students and cooked envy amongst many more, a fashionable young wizard with the world in his hands and a future to write.
In Grimauld Place, he was Boy, the useless, idiotic, disgrace of a son, a mudbloood lover and muggle fraternize filthier than pigs. A senseless child with no future.
But here, with the sky as his only witness, he was only Sirius.
Tired, scared. Smart, yet confused. Caring and lonely. Just a kid that had built a home with three friends as pillars and a whole castle for walls, with no places to go back to and bruises on his knuckles.
Grey smoke collected in his nose and he exhaled, feeling a lightheadedness no alcoholic beverage had ever given him. His feet bounced softly against the stone and void, his eyes admired the stars.
Happy Birthday indeed.