Chapter Text
There were times when Asōgi Kazuma hated his memories. Not that he would ever choose to lose them again, but it was when he felt like they would stir in his mind at exactly the wrong times that he would groan about them. It was especially annoying when he would get hung up on the smallest things that his rational mind knew weren’t that big of a deal, because those were the things that wouldn’t leave him alone for a while once he was thinking about them. This had a problem for him ever since he was a small child, so it wasn’t like coping with these moments was something he was unfamiliar with.
Today, he sat alone in the Mikotoba household, awaiting the return of everyone else from a trial. He was a little unhappy that he hadn’t managed to participate himself, but he had caught a nasty fever three days ago and had been forced to rest, putting the prosecutor role to someone else available. It thankfully wasn’t too terrible though, as Susato and Naruhodō had been there for him during their down time from the investigation, and he was already pretty much better by now. Plus, he felt he was still in the phase of needing to show some good examples to Naruhodō about taking a break when it was necessary for one’s health. So there wasn't much point in complaining.
At this point, he had already had dinner, and the sun was already mostly down. Then as if on cue, the door opened, and Asōgi perked up. “Kazuma-sama! I’m back!” came Susato’s bright voice.
“I’m in here!” he called back enthusiastically. There were a few taps of light footsteps, and then Susato appeared through the doorway with a smile on her face. He could take that as an assumption that the trial had ended successfully.
“Father and Naruhodō-sama will be back in just a few minutes,” she clarified as she discarded her shawl, “They’re just submitting the final reports for the trial. So I volunteered to come home and have tea ready.”
“Could I be so cruel as to ask to have a cup as well?” Asōgi asked teasingly.
“How dare you,” Susato teased back, but she was still smiling and she immediately went to making the tea she had spoken of. As she got started, Asōgi picked up the book he had been reading, trying to get back into it. But he had lost his place, and his mind was racing again, making him give up and just sigh.
“Was it too boring without anyone around today?” Susato asked, “I know you’re not the type who likes being cooped up in places when you don’t have to be.”
“Hmm? Oh no. That was fine,” he said dismissively, almost not paying attention to her words.
“Kazuma-sama…” Susato asked, studying his face with a now quizzical expression, “Is something the matter?”
Snapping himself back to the moment in order to answer more coherently, Asōgi just shrugged. “Not really. I was just thinking about something,” he said.
“Was it something bad? You look a little…well, I honestly can’t tell if you’re mad or concerned about the matter,” she said, keeping her expression plain for the moment.
“It’s not that bad, and I know it’s not a matter I should be that concerned about, given how old it is and I don’t really have hard feelings about it,” he admitted, “But when I think about it, I feel it’s something I didn’t really get full closure on, since it was all something I only heard about secondhand, even though I was technically involved.”
Susato offered him a cup of tea and then sat down beside him as he took a sip. “I’m not sure if I’m following you all the way, Kazuma-sama. I initially thought you were referring to something that happened during your year alone in London, but then you said it was something you heard about secondhand. So now I’m confused. What exactly are you talking about?”
Asōgi tapped one finger against his tea cup rhythmically for a moment as he considered what he should actually say aloud. He was a little worried that vocalizing his thoughts might cause his emotions to spike momentarily, but he knew that it likely wouldn’t do any harm to say it. He had more self-control now, and he knew that it wasn’t anything that serious. Plus, it might do him good to get the matter off of his chest, since it had been bugging him almost all day.
“This was a long time ago,” he started to explain, “But I got a little bit irritated after Mr. Holmes told me a certain something about what happened on the Alaclaire way back then. And the feeling hasn’t fully left me alone ever since, surfacing randomly from time to time.”
“The Alaclaire…You mean back when we first set out for London at the very beginning?” Susato asked. Her voice faltered for a brief moment, though she prayed her brother hadn’t noticed it.
Thankfully, he didn’t seem to and instead just nodded. “Yeah, then. What Mister Holmes told me…Well, I feel upset about it, but I simultaneously feel that I can’t be too troubled because I know it wasn’t too harmful in the long run. And I don’t want to be the only one being burdened by hard feelings. Especially when it's not necessary.
“If it’s upsetting you at all, you can tell me about it,” Susato offered, “I’ll do what I can to help you work through it so it doesn’t linger where you don’t want it to.”
Asōgi smiled at his sister for her kind words before turning his eyes away, missing the subtle nervousness that she was secretly feeling. She had a slight hunch about what he might say, but she wanted to be wrong about it, so she made sure to not show anything about her feelings until she knew the situation.
He put down his teacup and stared down at his lap. “Mr. Holmes told me…He told me that when I was first discovered unconscious in my cabin and you all thought I was dead…He told me that he first pinned the blame for what happened to me on Ryūnosuke, even though he was aware of the fact that I wasn’t really dead. I was annoyed when I first heard about that, but I knew that both Ryūnosuke and you were well provided for by Mr. Holmes once you did finally reach London. So I wasn’t sure if my irritation was improper or not. I never spoke about it to Mr. Holmes since I could tell from his words that Ryūnosuke had become someone important to him as well, and I didn't want to possibly push my luck since I could sense regret in his voice when he told me about it. But I just…ever since I heard it, I always felt that kind of accusation was unfair to Naruhodō, and it only makes me relieved that he was able to work everything out in time and avoid more unnecessary trouble."
He let out a sigh as he finished unloading, feeling bad for his explanation being a little long. However, when he picked his gaze back up, he was surprised to see that Susato’s face was as pale as a ghost’s, and she looked truly scared.
“Susato-chan! Are you alright?” Asōgi asked in alarm at the sight of her terror-filled eyes.
Susato was frozen for a few moments, her mouth ever so slightly agape as she stared at him. However, after those few moments passed, she broke eye contact and looked away with a very sad look in her eyes. “I…I was afraid of this ever coming up. Though I suppose I should’ve known that this would’ve come to your mind sooner or later,” she said finally, her voice fully cracking now.
“What are you talking about?” Asōgi asked, now feeling very confused. He then added with some hesitation in his voice, “Why do you look so…guilt-ridden?”
What she would say in this moment was something that had played in Susato’s head for months, ever since Asōgi had been revealed to be alive. Despite the number of times she had thought about it or mentally rehearsed it, she was still not ready to face the moment now that it was here. However, she knew that her reactions and expressions had given her away already, and there was no way she’d be able to escape.
With a nervous breath and trembling slightly, she spoke again. “Do not blame Holmes-sama for that. What he said was merely an accusation, which could’ve easily fizzled out if everyone else was not so quick to just believe him on the spot without any second thoughts. Who you should be angry with for that matter…is me.”
“You?” Asōgi questioned, starting to feel almost nervous, “Susato-chan…What happened?”
His voice was cautious as he asked that question, fearful he might scare her. But there was really nothing that he could’ve said that would’ve prevented Susato from bursting into tears as she did, her face buried in her hands. Asōgi was completely dumbstruck to see this, as he hadn’t seen his sister THIS level of upset ever since they were small children. Unsure of what to really do, Asōgi just put his hands on her shoulders.
“Susato-chan…It’s okay, it’s okay…You don’t need to cry…” He tried to assure her, though he knew he was still missing quite a few pieces of this puzzle.
“You speak graciously now, Kazuma-sama…” Susato sniffed through her tears, “But once you hear about what happened, I do not think you will be as lenient.”
Asōgi was quiet for a moment, not wanting to answer hastily while she was in this state. He did have a bit of a bad habit of not being the most forgiving towards people, especially if they wronged someone he cared about. However, it was clear from Susato’s reaction that whatever it was that she had apparently done wrong, she felt a great deal of remorse for it. And he hadn’t even said anything about it yet before she broke down like this. How could he further yell at her for whatever it was when she was already this miserable? And what could she have really done that would make him so mad? Especially when everything about the Alaclaire had seemingly resolved and everyone was friendly with each other now?
“You can tell me, Susato-chan,” he said finally, “Please. I think you really need to get it off of your chest.”
Susato sniffed several times, wiping her face and trying to stabilize her breathing for a few moments. After those few moments of silence, she straightened herself out and took a very deep breath.
“It is true that Holmes-sama originally spread the belief that Naruhodō-sama was responsible for what happened to you, but regardless of what he already knew, he was still going off of limited information and we of course needed to investigate further,” she explained, “But the fault lies with me rather than Holmes-sama because…because…”
She stammered, covering her mouth as if she was worried she might scream by accident rather than finish her explanation. Asōgi gently rubbed her back reassuringly to assure her that she could finish, and she clutched her skirt so tightly that her knuckles turned white as she tried to will herself to keep going.
“I had not known Naruhodō-sama for a long time at that point, but based on the little I was aware of, I still knew in my heart that he would never even think of hurting you. Despite that…I still accused him of being your killer,” the words came out slowly, her heart in her throat as she spoke, “I blindly followed Holmes-sama’s accusations and didn’t stand up for Naruhodō-sama’s character until it started being believed by others that he was innocent due to the continued investigation. Even when I saw the horror in his eyes and heard the pain in his voice as he screamed in despair when he first heard the news…I still demanded him to confess to taking your life…I did not believe him when I should have, and…I had no excuse…I…I…”
Stuttering, she finally lost her composure and began to cry again, not able to bear looking her brother in the eyes, fearing that his gaze would be filled with anger or hatred due to what she had said. However, what she didn’t see was that Asōgi’s face was expressionless, as if he were in shock.
Truthfully, he wasn’t sure how to feel. On the surface level, he could barely believe what his sister had told him. He had told her a few choice things about Naruhodō before she had met him officially, and even if he hadn’t spoken of their relationship, she clearly had to know that they were close. Yet she had still dared to accuse him? It was almost incomprehensible to think that ever could’ve happened, especially given how close of friends the two of them were now.
On the other hand, he was the one who had insisted that Susato be kept in the dark about the stowaway situation in the first place. He had justified it to himself again as a means of protecting her, but now in his heart, he wondered if he just hadn’t trusted her enough at the time due to whatever reason related to his mission for vengeance. If he thought about it, it wasn’t that unnatural that she or anyone else would initially follow the lead of someone as prominent and charismatic as Sherlock Holmes in such a situation, especially since he knew that she had likely been quite hurt by the thought that she had lost him, as they really did see each other like a true brother and sister pair.
After mulling it over, he asked the only question that he felt he could ask objectively at that moment. “What…What did Ryūnosuke say about the whole situation? Once everything was said and done?”
Susato was initially surprised that this was his question, but she wiped her eyes again and sighed, not hesitating to answer. “He...He forgave me for everything, saying that it was all just a big misunderstanding and that my initial thoughts were justified. And after that day, he never brought up that aspect of what happened during that time again. But I just…” she paused, her voice being barely above a whimper, “I couldn’t forgive myself for it. Especially after I put together that you two were a couple, seeing Naruhodō-sama mourn the way he did. And then you turned out to be alive all along…In the end, it was unforgivable…”
Unforgivable. That was always how Susato had labeled it. Every time she played the situation of this moment in her head in the past, that word has been the only constant of every explanation. That what she did could never truly be made right again, because who would ever truly let that go? Surely even someone as forgiving as Naruhodō wouldn’t have forgotten such a transgression.
Asōgi let out a sigh, and Susato assumed that was the sign that she was finished. However, she instead just felt a gentle hand on her shoulder, and when she turned her head to see his face, she saw that it didn’t have a trace of anger upon it. He instead looked concerned and somewhat sad. “If Ryūnosuke said he forgave you, then that’s the end of that matter with him. He’s not one to hold grudges against people, and I know he holds a great amount of trust in you,” he said, knowing just how his boyfriend was about that sort of thing. With maybe only one or two exceptions in extreme situations, he pretty much didn’t have a hateful bone in his body, even if he would get mad or frustrated at times. And in his memory, Naruhodō only ever had praise for Susato's intelligence and kindness, and it didn't take a genius to see that they were a good team in the courtroom. So there was no way that he would hold any hard feelings towards her.
“What about you, Kazuma-sama…?” Susato asked nervously, as it was always his reaction to the situation that scared her the most to think about.
Asōgi was quiet for a moment, making the situation seem tense and worrisome. But after a short moment, he simply looked at her with the same blank expression he’d had when he first heard her story.
“In the end, I can’t be angry. While I do wish you hadn’t been so quick to nearly condemn Ryūnosuke, I can’t rationally say I would’ve acted any differently in your shoes. If I had just told you that Ryūnosuke was there in the first place, a lot of confusion could’ve been cleared up. And even aside from that…I know from experience that people can act differently when they’re emotional,” he said, trying to make his voice indicate that he was serious about not being angry, so that she wouldn't mistakenly discern otherwise from his words.
Susato turned away, but her expression did not worsen. “To this day, I cannot say why I acted as angry as I did towards Naruhodō-sama," she said sadly, "Even if I was just looking for somewhere to put my grief about what happened to you, I do not know where my sense of logic went in that window of time.”
“That happens more often than we’d like to think,” Asōgi said, also looking away, “Just look at what happened with me. The only difference was that I could’ve cemented an unfairly terrible fate on an innocent man if I hadn’t had sense slapped back into me. But Ryūnosuke told me something in a letter once that I feel you should take to heart now.”
“What’s that?” Susato asked, her face turning surprised.
“That you can’t let hindsight burden your thoughts about something you may have done wrong or how you may have reacted to something,” Asōgi answered, thinking back to when he himself had first received that letter.
Back when he was still living in London with Holmes and Iris, he had sent a letter to Naruhodō admitting that he was still struggling with the feelings of how he felt he had wronged him during the trial of the Professor killings, despite the fact that the two of them had talked things out after the fact. The letter that Naruhodō had sent back contained those key words, telling him how what happened in the past didn’t always have to be chained to him now in the present, or else eh would always feel burdened by something and would never manage to move on with new things and experiences in their lives. The letter had been quite eye-opening for Asōgi to read (even though he knew that Naruhodō didn't apply his own advice to himself) , and it had even made him tear up, as he couldn’t believe that he had been so lucky to have such a warm and forgiving boyfriend.
Susato was quiet for a moment as she considered his words. “I suppose it is indeed easier to say what we could’ve or should’ve done differently in any situation after it has already occurred,” she said, though her expression still seemed downtrodden.
“It really is,” Asōgi agreed, “But that’s why we help each other. To see past our denouncements of ourselves and focus on what we’re doing right. Besides, Ryūnosuke has always spoken well of you in every context. I doubt he feels anything negative towards you for that moment, in the same way I doubt he feels anything negative towards Mr. Holmes. The two of you have both done a lot more good for him than harm, and I think that’s the more important thing to consider.”
Susato finally looked back up at Asōgi, looking like she wanted to smile but wasn’t entirely sure about doing so. “So…does this mean that you forgive me for my mistake, Kazuma-sama?” she asked nervously.
Even though Asōgi wanted to play that aspect off entirely since he wasn’t really mad at all, especially at any point, he knew it was for the better to momentarily play along with her choice of words. This would likely be the best way to help her truly let go and start to move on. “I forgive you,” he said, smiling benignly at his sister.
Susato’s eyes finally brightened for the first time since she had come in, and she threw her arms around Asōgi in gratitude. He returned her embrace, hopeful from this that she would be able to release this pain that had been in her heart for a long time, just as he had been able to do. The two separated and then shared a genuine smile, which Asōgi was glad he had the chance to do.
After only a few moments, there was a light knock on the doorframe, and the two of them turned to see Naruhodō standing there with a small smile.
“Sorry to barge in. I’m not interrupting anything, am I?” he asked, looking like he would bolt from the room if they just told him to.
“Not at all, Naruhodō-sama. We’ve just been talking while we were waiting for you to get back,” Susato answered brightly, which gave Asōgi a sense of relief. It didn’t seem like she was trying to act like their conversation had never happened, but rather that she was trying to take it in stride and move on from her pain, which was exactly what he had hoped for.
Satisfied with that answer, Naruhodō walked in and sat on the other side of Asōgi, then giving him a kiss on the cheek. It made him chuckle to feel it, but it also made him feel happy since he had been forced to go the past few days without much physical affection from Naruhodō due to his sickness, but now that he was pretty much better, things could be normal on that front again.
“Your father will be back in just a couple of minutes, Susato-san,” Naruhodō then commented, “I was just eager to get back, so I ran ahead to get here faster.”
“Well then, why don’t you tell me a bit about how your trial went while we wait? Susato-chan said I had to wait for you in order to hear about it,” Asōgi said, slipping Susato a wink as he did so. She simply nodded in response and then looked at Naruhodō eagerly, as if she was agreeing with what her brother had just said and that had been the case all along.
Naruhodō simply chuckled in response, not having noticed the slight of hand expressions between them, and he started talking, explaining how the trial had wrapped up. As they listened to him talk, both Susato and Asōgi felt a sense of peaceful normalcy, which was something very welcome to them.