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"Did you see how her hair moved? All - swooshy? And she had, like, in-di-vidual eyelashes." Eyes boggling, Mariner wiggled her fingers. "So gross."
Jack sighed. She'd taught him so much in their short time together. Before he'd met her, he'd never realised how shiny hair could truly be. Now, for the first time in his life, he wished that his hair moved when he did.
"You're only annoyed because she wouldn't sign your poster of the Enterprise," he bristled, ready to defend her honour.
"You know what, Ransom, I'm going to give you a free pass this one time because you're all goopy and heartbroken and lovelorn and stuff, but if you ever breathe another word about that ever again I swear I will end you."
"I'm goopy? You're the one who followed her around the ship like a little lovesick puppy--"
"--And you couldn't see her outline. Ne-ver trust a girl with no outline, Ransom, you know what I'm saying? I dated this ethereal slime chick once on this [BLEEP]y little outpost out in the Polaris sector - super hot, zero outline, biiiiiig mistake. Once bitten, twice shy, am I right? Come on, drink up, it's good for you."
Jack prodded listlessly at the mystery fruit bobbing in the glass in front of him. "Right. What was in this again?"
"Don't ask too many questions. It's better this way, man. Trust me. Now she's back in her own freaky-deaky multidimensional-dimension, and you'll never have to see her again--"
A howl escaped Jack, and he buried his face in his hands, shoulders shaking in shuddering sobs.
"Oh, wow. You've got it baaad. Yo, Quirk! We've got a situation over here. Keep 'em coming." Slurping her own cocktail, Mariner patted him on the back. "That's it. You just let it all out, big guy."
"She had - dimensions I - could never have - dreamed of," Jack sobbed. "I'm gonna - write her a song." He threw his head back and crooned, swaying alarmingly to the rhythm of his composition, "Sheeee was my Nuuuuumber One --"
"Ew. I take it back, stop letting it all out right now. Listen. You know what helped me get over my ethereal slime chick?"
Jack sniffed soggily. "What's that?"
Mariner shoved his drink away and leaned in conspiratorially. "Two words, Ransom. Rebound [BLEEP]."
"You're right, Mariner," Jack breathed, his eyes wide.
"I always am," Mariner purred, raising an eyebrow.
Jack swivelled around on his barstool. "Hey, Quirk!" he yelled. "What time does your shift finish?"
Mariner rolled her eyes.
"Well, [BLEEP]."
*
Captain Pike blinked.
"Uh, Number One?" he said slowly, setting his PADD down. "You - feeling alright?"
"Perfectly well, thank you, captain."
"Only you just … beeped."
Dread coursing through her, Una cleared her throat.
"[BLEEP]," she intoned, experimentally. "[BLEEP], [BLEEP], [BLEEP]. [BLEEP]ing [BLEEP]." She sighed. "I apologise, Captain. It would appear that I am still experiencing some residual effects from the Animated Universe."
"So it would seem. I hope you're, er, fully recovered soon."
"I [BLEEP]ing hope so too, sir."
"Language, Number One." Pike sat back and considered her from across his ready room desk. "Animated Universe, huh? That must have been fun."
"Fun, sir?" Una enquired, frowning at the latest warp core efficiency statistics.
"Dodging anvils falling from the sky, comedy cartoon chase sequences involving multiple doors? Did anyone run off the edge of a cliff and keep treading air for a few seconds before they remembered about gravity? I always loved that when I was a boy."
"Nothing like that, sir. It was more of a - scrappy band of underdogs coming together through improbable situations with rapid-fire wit and a surprising amount of heart kind of undertaking."
"That's a shame. Either way, it's a relief to have you back safe and sound, Number One."
"Thank you, Captain. But I might not have made it at all if it weren't for the quick thinking of Ja-- of Commander Ransom."
"Ah, yes. The - enigmatic Commander Ransom. I read your report." To Una's well-trained ear, Pike sounded a little sour. "He certainly seems to have taken a shine to you."
Una froze.
"I - can't say that I noticed, sir," she said, studiously avoiding his gaze.
Pike inspected a graph, a charade that might have been somewhat more convincing had it not been upside down. "Not that he'd be your type anyway."
"Sir?"
"A big, broad-shouldered, square-jawed jock running headlong into danger every five minutes?" Pike shrugged broad-shoulderedly, his jaw squared. "Must've been exhausting."
"Imagine that, sir," Una said, her tone carefully even. "By the way, how is that wound from the targ you wrestled to save the ship healing?"
"Don't worry, Number One. Boyce says I'll be cleared for away missions again within the week."
"Oh, good," Una said flatly.
They worked in silence a while, until, as though he couldn't leave the thought alone, Pike blurted out, "He just sounds a little - one-dimensional, you know?"
"No, he wasn't, sir. Not at all." This time, as she gazed out the window, there was an undeniably wistful tinge to Una's sigh. "He was just drawn that way."