Work Text:
FADE IN:
INT. RUNABOUT CABIN
Dr. Julian Bashir, now a Commander and still stationed on Deep Space 9 after 20 years, paces in the cabin of a runabout he borrowed (without permission), running his hand through his hair, his beard, clearly emotionally distraught.
BASHIR
Computer?
COMPUTER chirps.
BASHIR
Begin recording message, audio only.
COMPUTER
Please state recipient.
BASHIR stills, his hand coming to rest in his hair. He looks down, in deep thought, then looks back up.
BASHIR
Ambassador Garak, Paldar Sector, Cardassia City, Cardassia Prime.
COMPUTER
Proceed.
BASHIR
Elim, it’s... me, Julian.
I know it must be strange hearing from me after over a year. I’m sorry I haven’t contacted you sooner. Quite frankly it’s strange to be...
BASHIR trails off, once again pensive, but eventually looks up at the screen and continues.
BASHIR
I’ve done a thing, Garak.
BASHIR sits down heavily in the chair.
BASHIR
I left Starfleet. Resigned my commission about, oh...
BASHIR squints at the screen.
BASHIR
...five hours ago now.
BASHIR laughs bitterly.
BASHIR
I am just so… confused, and, and, and I need you old friend.
God I don’t even know where to start. I know what you would say: “start at the beginning.”
Well, I suppose it’s just as good a place as any.
BASHIR takes a deep breath, steeling himself.
BASHIR
I knew I loved you when...
BASHIR stops, closing his eyes with a sigh, resting his forehead on his thumbs. Moving back, he begins again.
BASHIR
I knew I loved you when you were detoxing from your implant.
I knew, because the things you said to me... that a life spent keeping company with me was not a lift worth living... It broke my heart.
BASHIR bites his lip, a tear escaping down his cheek.
BASHIR
[Haltingly, with a shaky voice] I knew because, when you told me you hated DS-9 because you were always cold, I wanted right then to wrap a blanket around you and hold you in my arms and lend you my warmth, that day and every day after. Whenever I saw you.
I knew, because when I went to see Tain, I would have done anything to get him to help.
[with ferocity through clenched teeth] I would have done anything to save you, Elim. Anything.
I don’t know why I never said anything. That’s not true. I do.
I never let myself be free. I was so obsessed with being a phenotypically normal adult human male. I tried to blend into the wall, even after my secret came out... actually, especially after my secret came out. I hated the attention, and the whispers, and the... well, it doesn’t matter now.
What matters is I loved you. But, I loved you, and I loved Jadzia.
And then she died, Garak.
[crying] She died on my table. I couldn’t save her, I couldn’t…
BASHIR sobs in earnest. Eventually catching his breath and continuing.
BASHIR
How can you love two people at once? How is that fair? And then she died, and I only loved you.
BASHIR pauses briefly to regain his composure.
BASHIR
And then Ezri came along.
Do you know what Ezri said to me? She said, that if Worf hadn’t come along, Jadzia would have been with me.
What kind of a messed up thing is that to say to someone?
But I loved Ezri, and I loved Jadzia, and I loved you.
[thoughtfully] I had a daughter, Elim. I named her Mila. I suppose in a way it made me feel close to you.
BASHIR laughs
BASHIR
Well, you probably know all of this, if you’ve been checking up on me.
BASHIR smiles at the thought, but his smile soon fades.
BASHIR
And then... just after I last spoke to you... Ezri died in childbirth, and Mila a few days later.
They died on my table and I could do nothing for them.
[with escalating anger] Goddammit! What good are all of these enhancements and all of this education, these accolades, these rewards, these PIPS…
BASHIR rips the three pips off his collar and throws them off-screen.
BASHIR
...if I keep letting down the ones I love most?
[babbling slightly] I’ve been mourning them for the last year and today I just realized… you are the only love I have left. And I can’t stop thinking why didn’t I pursue you when we were both on the station? When it was clear to me Jadzia would never want me. And why didn’t you pursue me? I know you were interested.
[seemingly trying to convince himself] I’m not imagining it.
I know I meant more to you than... I realized... more than I wanted to admit. And you meant that to me, and more.
[pauses, looks directly at the screen] I love you, Garak. I’m in love with you. I always have been, and I always will be. Right now that’s the only thing I know for sure. I want to see your smile and touch your face and I never want to leave you again.
Please... please... I want to be free. I want to be myself, for the first time in my life. I miss you, so, so…
BASHIR shakes his head, smiling.
BASHIR
God, I’m pathetic.
[with feigned bitterness] Why would you ever want a squishy, weepy, broken Terran?
BASHIR pauses, looking around as if contemplating.
BASHIR
Computer, delete message. Confirm.
COMPUTER
Message deleted.
BASHIR lets out a breath, shaking his head again.
BASHIR
No, you probably wouldn’t...
BASHIR looks around contemplatively again.
BASHIR
...but you might still want me.
[with new-found energy] Computer, pull up all material on Cardassian courting rituals, Federation and Cardassian archives.
COMPUTER
Working... 2,453 records found.
BASHIR smirks and looks directly at the screen.
BASHIR
On screen.