Chapter Text
There may have been a few clues that this job was a bit too good to be true.
It could have been how this massive warehouse was manned by five guards, all patrolling the perimeter in a lackluster meander. It made Deadpool think that the building would have some intense security system to make up for limited personnel, but nope. The window he jimmied wasn’t wired to an alarm and wasn’t even locked. The biggest struggle so far was that the window hadn’t been opened in a very long time; so long that it had been glued down with layers of paint. With his utility knife and some elbow grease, he was in.
He kept expecting that there would be some complication that would make this a job worthy of his skills. So far, it felt like he was wildly overqualified, and overpaid, to infiltrate such a low priority building. A teenager could do this job, if offered enough beer.
Maybe it was just some overly cautious, white collar worker who had seventy-five grand to drop on a merc to make sure the job was done right. Still, it felt wrong in the way it always did when things were going just a little too good.
He followed the map down the rickety metal stairs and was confronted by three doors. The instructions didn’t say which door it was, but he could do a little investigation work to find the MacGuffin. The instructions told him to confiscate any sort of tech he found: flash drives, CD’s, hard drives, even floppy disks.
The first room was just a desk, a broken wooden chair, and a few innocuous order forms from ‘94. It didn’t take him long to toss the furniture and decide there was nothing there.
The second room was probably used this decade, so that was a good sign. The desk was locked, which gave him some hope, but when he unlocked it, it was vacant. Wade joylessly picked through filing cabinets, pulled the books off the shelf and sifted through them.
Halfway into checking that there was nothing taped onto the bookshelf, the door to the room he was in slammed shut, and it sounded like something heavy was pushed in front of it. It was so startling that it took him a moment to realize that whoever trapped him in here had tossed a can that was spewing gas like a fountain.
It became so blaringly, stupidly obvious that this had been a trap, that he didn’t try to escape. He was such a dumbass that he deserved to be kidnapped. He was a professional, god damn it, and professionals don’t get trapped this easily. “You got me guys,” he announced, though he doubted anyone was listening on the other side. “I’m your problem now, bitches.”
He groaned loudly and sat on the floor, waiting for the gas to knock him out. He became impatient and lifted up the bottom of his mask to let the gas fill his lungs faster.
Life is a journey, and sometimes a merc just needs to see where it’ll take him. Who knows, it might lead to something interesting.
He woke up in some box with his wrists and ankles zip tied together. It was a box that snugly fit his body and it didn’t bang him up too bad as he was toted around. He was lying on his stomach, prone, with his head and feet only an inch away from the edge of the box. He could tickle the top of the box with his fingers from where his hands were bound against his lower back. He regretted being armed to the teeth, because every time he moved, it felt like another knife or gun was finding a more uncomfortable place to be. Why did these losers let him keep all his weapons, anyway? Kidnapping 101 is that you don’t let your abductee keep the shooty or stabby gear.
Occasionally, a needle was shoved through a hole in the box somewhere along his back and he was knocked out for a time. From what he could piece together, they put him in a car, then a van, and an elevator.
He tried to make small talk with his captors, but they were just some hired grunts that weren’t particularly talkative. Wade said, “You guys keep giving me all these drugs and I’m gonna piss it out like a geyser. Hopefully it won’t be one of them steam geysers! Those poor tourists,” and “Planes trains and automobiles, just us and the road, buddy ol’ pals,” and, “How much are you getting paid for this job? It must be pretty good because most of you fuckers wouldn’t want to be in the same time zone as me most of the time.” It didn’t matter what he said: if he was being carried, the grunts carelessly dropped him, and he was ultimately injected again.They probably wouldn’t have drugged him so many times or dropped him if he’d kept quiet. He couldn’t be quiet, though, it wouldn’t have been on brand.
He came to a stop hours later. His internal clock didn’t know exactly how long he’d been travelling, what with the druggings and no way to tell what time of night or day it was. There was muted conversation in low tones, three taps on the top of the box, and, one more time, he was jabbed and knocked out.
***
Day 1: Month 0
When he came to, he was kneeling on stone flooring. The goons had to have taken advantage of the last bout of drugs to arrange him appropriately. The zip ties felt a lot tighter on his wrists and ankles in this new position. It didn’t help that they’d added an additional zip tie to keep his wrist and ankles together. That limited Wade’s options, but he could always roll across the floor if this super boss mafia guy was hella boring.
The goons had placed him in a spacious, dimly lit room, draped in rich red fabrics. It felt like it was lit by candlelight, but he couldn’t see any candles.
Sitting on the throne-like seat before him was a skeletal waif of a man. His captor looked delighted to have Deadpool at his feet. There was the kind of crazy in his eyes that annoyed Wade because he’d likely have a lengthy monologue about the nature of evil. The man was wearing a suit that would have fit him if he were fifty pounds heavier. He was absolutely swimming in it. Wade didn’t have much of an eye for clothing, but it looked to be of high quality, if a bit old. The once stark black fabrics were a dull grey and wrinkled from how poorly they fit his body. It looked like this man would crumble under the weight of one too many paperclips. His face was gaunt and sunken in, but he was surprisingly alert for someone so deathly ill. The thinness of his face made his features appear disproportionately large. It would be generous to say he had even a pound of muscle on him. His hair was a dull brown and sparse.
Strangely enough, there was no one else in the room. This fragile man was in an enclosed space with a world famous mercenary and he didn’t have some guards? He either had balls or was batshit insane. Wade had some respect for a man that would hire people to abduct motherfucking Deadpool with only a few zip ties to keep Wade’s knives out of his throat.
“Mr. Wilson! It’s a pleasure to meet you,” the stranger greeted in a harsh, raspy voice.
Wade rolled his eyes. They always did this, calling him by his name to assert dominance. It didn’t matter that his name was basically a matter of public record, they always liked to flaunt that they knew it and he didn’t know theirs. Wade definitely did the same thing, when the positions were reversed, but it was a cheap tactic when it was used on him.
“Hello, Mr. Cryptkeeper!” he shot back. “Can’t say I’d say the same.”
“That’s just because you don’t know what I can do for you, Mr. Wilson.”
“Why should I hear you out? You trapped me for a job? You could have just put out a card for me.” It didn’t make sense that a customer would go this far to get his attention. Wade had the man’s card in his back pocket from the trap-job. It was an assload of work to rent a warehouse, hire the goons, hire Wade for a different job, and kidnap Wade to have a little conversation?
The man raised an eyebrow. “We sent out three. Your handler said you were, eh, very uninterested. He said that you were, ‘Not being no rich bitch’s bodyguard.’ Sound familiar?”
It took him a long moment to figure out what he meant by “handler”. Deadpool wasn’t handled by anyone, ever. He was his own independent bitch. Except, he could be referring to -- “Oh.”
Oh, yeah, he vaguely remembered Weasel saying something about that. In his defense, he was skeptical of meeting with clients. He was a mission guy, not a guard or paperboy or whatever. If they couldn’t tell him what they wanted with a docket, it probably wasn’t his kind of job. He wasn’t the kind of guy you wanted in charge of your wellbeing or the wellbeing of anything you care about. It’s not his fault that that stuff was boring and he would get distracted in approximately ten point six minutes. So yeah, he remembered getting and refusing some sort of consultation. He guessed that this guy didn’t take too kindly to being rejected.
“Yes, well, you refused because you weren’t aware of the very attractive offer I have for you.”
“I guess I’m here, so I might as well hear you out.” Wade was distracted for a moment, trying to make out the pattern on the man’s tie. It almost looked like the red tie was covered in spiders. “Would you mind getting me out of the zip ties? This is an uncomfortable way to conduct business, duncha think?”
The man smirked, in a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it kind of way. “I’m afraid I cannot. I do not have the tools nor strength to do it myself, and I think you might try to kill my employees if I let them help.”
Wade noted that his kidnapper made no comment about Wade hurting him. “And what if I promised that I wouldn’t?”
“I wouldn’t believe you. Patience, you’ll be freed at the end of our talk. Based on your reputation, I think you’ll be able to handle some time on your knees. Or is it not fun if it’s not in the Armory bathroom?”
He acknowledged the joke, and he would have laughed if he was friends with the guy. He wondered what kind of research Slenderman had done to know about his time at the gloryholes.
No one would ever accuse Wade of being a patient man. He was already trying to figure out how to make a sexy escape. If he wriggled hard enough, he thought he might be able to snap his hand off. Or he might be able to cut off blood supply to the hand so it would fall off, though that would take a while. He swayed and flexed and pushed, only to feel a pop in his shoulder. He looked and, oops, that was a severely dislocated shoulder.
“I would ask you to relax and not cause further harm to yourself.”
“What, is someone too delicate and sensitive? A regular wilting daisy? Bro, you really shouldn’t be working with mercs if you are so fucking fragile.”
“No, not at all,” Salad Fingers chuckled. “It’s in the best interest of professionalism that you keep yourself intact.”
“What do you mean, ‘professionalism’?” Wade popped his shoulder back in with an echoing crack and a sigh.
“The atmosphere of this discussion would be far different if I ejaculated in my pants. I hope you understand,” he said, as casually as one would discuss the weather.
Wade looked and, would you know it, the Cryptkeeper was sporting quite the bulge in his pants. “Jesus Christ, you evil guys are always freaks, I shouldn’t be surprised. Anyway, let’s hear this so I can leave.”
The man smiled and placed his hands primarily over his crossed legs. “Lovely. I would like to be your sole employer from here on out. You would be paid to stay with me for twenty days out of thirty. When you are working, I will not need you at all times. I will call whenever I require your presence and you may spend the rest of your time however you wish. I anticipate our day to day business taking no more than four hours a day, though likely less. We can negotiate pay and benefits.”
“You know I’m immortal, right? Why would I need benefits? It’s not like I need health insurance or a 401k.”
“I’m very aware of your immortality. However, these benefits would go towards Eleanor Camacho. You call her Ellie, correct?”
Wade’s eyes widened and he fought against his binds, ready to strangle this fucker. He felt his right wrist fracture, but it healed too quickly for him to take advantage of. How dare Alton Ego bring his daughter into this? He did so much to keep her safe, to keep her name out of the mouths of unsavory men. He barely saw her and only in disguise. He sent her money through five countries and eight shell companies to keep their connection invisible. When had someone caught him? All of that careful effort was fucking useless and now she was leverage. Fan-fucking-tastic.
“Now, now, none of that. I won’t use her against you. I intend to pay for her health insurance and start a college fund. When the college fund is full, then I’ll pay into a trust for her to open at the age of twenty. When that gets to 3 million, then I’ll open another for twenty five, then thirty, etcetera. If you work for me, she will be taken care of for the rest of her life,” he rambled off, like a script he had memorized.
Wade was skeptical. This guy was casually talking about millions of dollars for his daughter. Deadpool was an infamous merc, possibly the most infamous character in the entire Marvel Universe, but there was usually someone else who could do his job. And for the amount of money that was being discussed, the Machinist could buy an army of mercs. He could probably throw enough mercs at an issue to equate to Wade’s usefulness. This sounded almost like how SHIELD did recruitment. He’d turned down SHIELD, though, and government sponsored organizations didn’t have nearly enough money to be throwing around like this. “What do you want from me?”
“Just your body.”
“In what way? Science experiments?” If that was the answer, Wade was going to murder this psycho to death then forget all about this little field trip.
“No, no, not that.” The man eagerly reassured. “I want to hire you to engage in sexual intercourse with me.”
“What?” This was easily one of the most outrageous requests, and he wasn’t sure he was trusting his own ears. The stranger said it so nonchalantly, with such confidence that Wade would say yes. “Buddy, Grindr is free.”
“Sadly, that’s not an option, nor is any other dating app.”
“Sure it’s an option! We could set up your Grindr account together.”
Mr. Burns did not take Wade’s solution seriously, and continued, “I would like to hire you to have sex with me on a consistent basis. The kind of sex is up to you; oral, digital, anal, intercrural, any position. It doesn’t matter as long as you ejaculate.”
“But, why?” He looked down at himself, as if to show off his horrible scarring, but all he saw was his leathers. “I ain’t nearly as pretty out of the suit, I assure you.”
“Your appearance isn’t why I’m offering you the job, though I do very much appreciate it.” He took a moment to ogle Wade, like he could see through Wade’s suit and take it all in. “I never really liked traditional human aesthetics; too smooth and polished. I like some ruggedness, some grunge, some history behind their face.”
“So why do you want to hire me?”
“That is a much more involved question than you think, but I’ll try to keep it simple. I consume energy from sexual intercourse. I cannot control how much energy I take, so the partner will inevitably die. This was fine for a long time, but somewhere along the way, I grew something like a conscience. It was a horrible choice and I’ve regretted it ever since.” He laughed at his own joke. “I haven’t eaten in a very long time and I’m starving.”
“So you sought out an immortal.” Wade had never heard of this kind of sex-demon-thing before, but he had danced with the supernatural enough times that he wasn’t stunned.
“Exactly. It’s much kinder if I kill one person a thousand times, instead of a thousand people one time. It’s simple logic.”
“I got it, I got it,” Wade grumbled. This was bizarro. He’d never heard of a thing like this and this was starting to sound like an elaborate prank. Still, he was curious. What if it was real? This might be something interesting. “What kinda deniro are we talkin’?”
“How much do you want to be paid?”
Wade did some quick guessing on what a fancy sex worker with hazard pay might demand. He decided on a high number, just to test if this guy was serious. “Six hundred ninety thousand a month.”
The man looked endlessly pleased. “Perfect.”
“Hey, I’m not agreeing to anything yet.” Wade didn’t want to make him think this was a sure thing, but he was sorely tempted. He’d toyed around with leaving the merc business and retiring somewhere warm with Ellie after he built up a beefy nest egg. If he was honest with himself, it was becoming tiring to fight. The anger that drove him forward for so long had waned to apathy. Cutting down cartel members had become dull and boring, and he’d seen enough of humanity’s worst shit for ten lifetimes. He was tired, more tired than he thought, and this seemed like an out. “What happens if I don’t accept?”
“I make you forget and you go on your merry way. You’ll be well-compensated for your time and inconvenience.”
So this guy had sex and amnesia powers? “What happens with your appetite?”
“As you can tell,” he pulled back his sleeve, revealing loose skin dangling from a shriveled frame. “I’ve been fasting a long time. My restraint will run out soon. If I was more altruistic, I’d lock myself in a vault for the rest of time. I’m not, so I’ll send my staff home and wait until I lose control over my higher functions.” He narrated future events with the disinterest of a layman reading a contract. “I’ll rampage, wiping small towns off the map. Hundreds will die. Then, when I’m strong again, my secondary tendencies will come through. Hundreds more will die, more horribly than the first batch. I’ll calm down for a while and slowly reduce my feedings. Eventually, I’ll feel guilty about it and stop again.” He smirked, “I hope you don’t feel pressured to accept, just because your refusal means hundreds of unnecessary deaths.”
Wade hated that the blatant manipulation was affecting him. “Geez, yeah, no pressure.” His glare could melt metal, but didn’t seem to have an effect.
The man shrugged casually. “You asked, I merely told you.”
“I know that,” Wade complained. “Can’t you just eat bad guys?”
“I doubt you want to get into my philosophy, but I don’t feel like I’m in the position to judge if a human deserves to die. You people are all out there, trying to make a life and maybe a difference. Who am I, an inhuman, to judge morality and decide the fate of humans?”
Wade didn’t care about the man’s philosophy and it was a dumb philosophy. Just kill the shitty people who hurt the good people, it’s not that complicated. He sighed. “Ugh, fine. How difficult will it be to leave?”
“Just let me know if you want to leave. You’ll be free to go and live your life normally. I will never force you to stay.”
“So what you are saying is that I get a bunch of money to sleep with you, plus you will put money away from my daughter, and I can leave whenever I want. I’m wary of jobs that are too good to be true. This sounds like there are strings attached.”
“There is something like strings.”
Wade waited for him to elaborate, but he didn’t. “Sooooooo, what are they?”
“I ask you not to worry about it for the time being. It won’t be a problem for a while, and you can leave if it is too much for you. There is no contract to bind us together, nothing to force you to stay if I do something that exceeds your tolerance.”
Wade didn’t appreciate the vagueness, but he could think of some worst case scenarios. Images and sensations of pain Wade had endured during missions flashed in his mind; bullets, knives, executions, tortures, experiments. There were gallons of his blood spilled across the world and dozens of his limbs in landfills.
If this man could deliver everything he promised, the safe future for his daughter, the financial security, some consistency in his life, this might be a sweet ass gig. He had been fighting and hurting for so long, he could probably take whatever this man wanted to throw at him. It couldn’t be worse than what he had endured so far. And even if this bastard did lock him up to keep him from leaving, he could only contain Wade Wilson for so long. “How do I know you will keep to your word?”
“You don’t, but if you let me suck your dick and cum in my mouth, I’ll send you your first month’s pay right now. Will that give you some peace of mind?”
While the man was not particularly appealing to him, he couldn't deny that the words curled around his spine and got his dick interested. He had to say that horribly malnourished people were not on his list of turn ons, but he could cream this dude’s throat for a cool six hundred ninety thousand. Wade wasn’t exactly the hottest thing on the market, anyway, so he really shouldn’t be throwing glass houses here. He’d done worse for less, that’s for sure. And even if there wasn’t any money, he didn’t have to pay to get his dick sucked. Really, there was no way he could fail. “Just don’t use too much teeth down there and we will be fine.”
“I assure you, I have very little interest in pain at the moment.” The man scooted off the chair and fell on the floor. Something might have snapped, but he didn’t remark on it or show any pain.
Like that, a switch was flipped. His tone dipped into a rumble and his eyes gleamed gold. “My thoughts have been consumed, thinking about this.” He slowly crawled across the floor. He teetered from side to side, unable to hold himself steady, and rested a few times. It was an arduous endeavor to cover only a few feet of ground. His knees slammed against the marble and his hands shook as he lifted them up. “I am so desperate, so hungry, every moment spent dreaming of when I can finally feed again.” His hands slapped against the stone as he pulled himself forward. It was clear that his cavalier attitude was a shiny facade and now it was falling away.
Wade was a little aroused by the intensity, because damn, did it do it for him to see someone so invested in giving him a blowjob. On the other hand, he was instinctually terrified of the inhuman look in the man’s eyes. He was more aware of how he was tied up, vulnerable, and this murderous creature was going to give him the most pleasurable death he had ever experienced. It was very much a scared boner. He was kinda into it. Crazy demon sex, here he comes.
The stranger tore at his pants, frantically looking for the seam. He shoved his belt down and got a single finger between the pieces of Wade’s suit. The frail man used what little energy he had left to yank the pants down. The ferocity shocked Wade and his balls were flush against the man’s chin before he knew what was happening.
The man was on it and, damn, his experience showed. He sucked dick like he was a machine. Wade couldn’t feel even a hint of teeth, and the man’s mouth formed a perfect seal to provide perfect suction. Somehow, the roof of the man’s mouth seemed to undulate in time with his tongue, and it was so good it almost hurt. Wade went from half-mast to raring to go in seconds. Blood was rushing south so quickly that he was getting a headrush. It was an all-consuming pleasure that kicked him in the kidneys and left no prisoners. It was so fervent and yet so ruthlessly efficient. Wade felt like his soul was being vacuumed out through his joystick, which was probably what was happening. It was so overpowering that Wade could not even think to thrust his hips. He was barely holding on and loving the ride.
He wanted to hold back, to enjoy it longer and maintain his dignity as a man. But he couldn’t keep it up: the stickiness, the sounds, the drool dripping on the ground, the overwhelming pressure. He couldn’t handle it, so he let go.
****
Wade fell through a speckled blue and purple galaxy. He was dropped among a garden of desiccated flowers that Lady Death was tending to. The ground was thick with layers of crunchy petals and the air was damp and musty. It was good for a leisurely visit.
Death was being a gorgeous babe, like always. Wade picked himself up and brushed the petal fragments from his suit. “Baby girl, you are looking divine this evening,” Wade greeted with a leer. “Are those new robes? I think those look like some new robes. They really complement the shadows in your eye sockets.” He stepped around the bushes and plants, approaching her while trying to be minimally destructive.
Death smiled in a way that shouldn’t be possible for a skeleton, and it was stunning. Her pearly bones glimmered in the light. “Same as always, my love. I’m pleased to see you had a nice journey to me.”
It was a pleasant death and there wouldn’t be a shitshow to revive too. Or the guilt of sending himself down here. “I have absolutely no complaints. He did things to the crotch rocket that I didn’t know where possible. Not even Tony Stark himself could invent a better sucker. As long as he’s good for the money, it looks like I’ll be visiting you a lot.”
“Ah yes, you are keeping interesting company, Wade.”
“You know him?”
She huffed, like it was a silly question to ask and Wade was being quaint again. “For longer than you can comprehend. He’s been sending people my way for a very long time.”
That gave Wade some context of how old his employer was. Was it a sign that he always ended up getting bossed around by older men? He was disappointed that this one wasn’t as hunky or buff as his other companions. “Sounds like it. I bet they aren’t too mad to have such an easy trip down here.”
“His victims are usually annoyed that they died in such an undignified way. I’ve asked him to return some decency to their corpse.”
“Fair enough. I know first hand it’s not fun to die with your dick out.”
She hummed in a sort of agreement. “I worry about him. He practices restraint that he is not supposed to have.”
“I thought you didn’t like senseless killing.”
“It’s not senseless. He needs to eat, just like the humans need the death of other living things to survive. He struggles with his existence, just as you do. I wish I could take all of you who fall through my grasp. It would bring me no greater happiness than to let you die.”
He pulled her in to give her a tight hug because she seemed affected by the thought. “Shh, baby girl. It’s all good. I guess it’s good that us unkillables stick together,” he said, hoping it was comforting to her. If she was this concerned about them, maybe his employer wasn’t as much of a dick as he seemed. First impressions aren’t always reliable, anyway. “He wants to keep me around as a feed bucket and that doesn’t seem like a bad arrangement.”
“I see. I suppose I will be seeing fewer of your gifts?”
“I might indulge if someone needs to be sent your way. I don’t want to be too bored being a kept man.”
“I understand. Now, your time is up. I’ll see you soon.” She kissed his cheek and sent him on his way.
****
Wade came back to being carried, like a bride to her suite. He was buzzing with energy from having a very nice chat with Death and a flood of endorphins, so he just relaxed in the gentle sway of footsteps. He took his peace where he could get it, and it didn’t seem like he was in any immediate danger, so what was the harm? He wasn’t tired, just relaxed and loose. It didn’t occur to him until later that he was generally too large of a man to be carried this way, or that the person carrying him had to have been his emaciated new boss. He was just content to have an empty head.
He was deposited on a bed, stretching and nuzzling into the sheets.
“Do you want your suit taken off?” There were hands on him, lightly caressing his chest and stomach.
He didn’t open his eyes, “Only if you don’t puke on me.” He did want the suit off. He was chaffing after having his leathers on for so long.
The man made a rumbling noise in his chest. It was unfamiliar, yet soothing. “No need to worry about that. Your body really is delightful.”
“This dick is delightful,” Wade declared, then dissolved into a fit of giggles. The mask was peeled off his face, and he took a deep breath of fresh air. It smelled a lot less like chorizo out here and the sweat began wicking off. He heard a soft gasp.
“Even more stunning in person, Wade.” The man traced a finger over the ridges and pits that patterned his cheeks. “Your pictures don’t do you justice.”
“Can’t catch this much ugly in a picture.”
“Nonsense, nonsense. May I kiss you?”
Kissing sounded pretty nice, right about now. “Come ‘ere. Kissy kissy, Mr. Cryptkeeper.”
The man kissed him gently with thin, dry lips. There was no urgency, just some soft intimacy. It felt like the scrawl of a signature on the bottom of a contract. “Thank you for the meal. You are exquisite.”
Wade was so relaxed, he began to fade off. “No problemo, Mr. Boss Man Sir Man.”
“I’ll show you what I see,” the man promised. “I have many things to show you, Wade.”
That’s what Wade thought he heard, anyway.