Chapter Text
It's a lot worse, now that Connor knows Evan.
No longer is he stealing glances at him in Algebra or brushing up against him in crowded hallways.
Connor knows Evan, now, and that made everything impossibly worse because Evan is so Evan it feels as if it physically hurts Connor's soul.
Now, Connor has to deal with Evan grabbing his elbow when he's excited, or nudging his foot underneath the desks during class, or laughing so hard water comes out of his nose when Connor makes a joke.
At least before Connor could pretend that this was a phase, like most high school crushes, and he'd get over it in some time.
Now, though, Connor is utterly, stupidly, obviously whipped, and everyone can see it from a mile away...
Except for Evan Hansen, of course, which makes things marginally better, because Connor isn't sure what'd he do if Evan told him they couldn't be friends anymore.
Jared, however, is another story.
Connor would be perfectly happy if Jared told them they couldn't be friends. (Connor doesn't exactly hide this fact.)
"I hope I didn't interrupt anything- not sure I have enough bleach on hand," Jared quips as he drops his books onto the table, causing a thud to resonate through the library.
Connor snorted. "Please. I hear you thirsting after Evan all the time, you perv."
Jared flushed red (nearly as red as Evan sitting opposite him at the rounded desk) and did his best to play it off. "You hypocrite. I bet you'd love to get a piece of that tight ass-"
"Okay!" Evan exclaimed, raising two hands to act as a divide between the arguing friends (friends is a strong word, Connor inwardly remarked. Tolerance-partners? Barely put-up with-ers?)
A loud hush came from the general direction of the check-out counter, and Evan flinched at the sound.
"Can we please stop talking about-" Evan made a vague gesture and puffed up his cheeks in the most adorable way. "-and actually focus on being productive? Please?"
Jared rolled his eyes and became limp in his seat, groaning loudly. "Fine, but only if the MCR-Reject stops making googly eyes at you."
"Only if you shut your fucking trap for once, four-eyes." Although Connor had definitely gotten better at controlling his anger (a lot better) (like, Evan-said-he-was-proud-of-him-better) (which just makes him want to be even better because the way Evan looks like when he says it, the little smile and the shimmering eyes) (and the way he sounds, so hopeful and sincere, and happy how could he not want to convert into a hippy) (not that he was trying to be angry before) (but angry was so much easier than sad) (and being angry hurt a lot less than sad) he made an exception for Jared. Jared seemed to have the ability to turn Connor's blood into lethargic lava, slowly moving through his veins, hot and demanding and there, but slow and itchy and suffocating.
"'Four-eyes,' real original, Pumped Up Kicks."
"No wonder you're so stupid, all you've got knockin' around up there are weak insults taken from the internet."
"This is all natural, and you know it, bitch!"
"SHH!" The librarian practically shouted.
Evan buried his face in his hands, sighing. Connor could sympathize- it couldn't be easy putting up with Jared all the time. (Fine, it was kinda his fault too, but he'd take that admission to his grave.)
"You guys are going to get me banned from the library," Evan mumbled into his palms.
"I'm surprised you haven't already, jerking it back here with Murphy-"
"Can you turn it off and behave like an actual human being for five fucking seconds?"
"Can you stop eye-fucking Evan for five fucking seconds, horn-dog?"
"I'm the horn-dog? Have- wait, Evan!"
Evan paused, already standing up, moving to exit the library.
Connor raised his hands, palms facing Evan, placating. "I'm sorry- we'll behave. Let's just study, no more arguing."
"Yeah, try and contain yourself, Murphy, don't need you fucking him on the table, that'll get us banned for sure."
Two-thirds through the sentence, and Evan was already paces away, but this time it was Jared who called him back. "Wait, Evan, hold up!"
Evan turned around, bored, exhausted, and frustrated all at once. "Yes?"
"We'll be good, right, Murphy?"
"Exactly," Connor agreed.
Evan raised a suspicious eyebrow. "Pinky promise?"
I am in love with you, Connor thought, offering his pinky.
Marry me, Evan trotted back and linked his finger with Connor's raised one.
Father my children, he thought as Evan giggled.
"Whuh-pish," Jared voiced, miming cracking a whip.
Connor glared at the shorter boy.
"What? I haven't pinky promised anything yet," he said with a shrug. "That means you're forced to listen to me as I call you a filthy little biscuit-"
"You have crossed a line!"
"OKAY, THAT'S IT! OUT! NOW!" The librarian on duty shouted, waving arms in fury.
And that's how they got here, outside, barely protected from the pouring rain by the small awning of the school.
"It's, uh... really coming down out there," Jared said, sniffing slightly.
Connor bit back a sarcastic remark, favouring Evan's sanity.
The brunette sighed. "Looks like we'll have to make a run for it. Here, Evan, take my hoodie."
Connor began sliding off said garment when Jared started gagging loudly.
Evan waved his hands back and forth in a dismissive gesture. "No, it's fine! Sorry-"
"Just take it- you'll get sicker a lot easier than me, you're small." Connor dropped the jacket unceremoniously onto the shorter boy's shoulders.
Evan huffed, slipping his arms into the sleeves. "I am not short," he mumbled, and Connor fell in love all over again.
"Hate to say it, but Murphy's right on this one- you're short as hell."
"You're tiny too, Kleinman."
"Says the forty foot giraffe."
"Better than a fuckin' rodent, ya naked mole rat."
"You guys are giving me a migraine," Evan said, rubbing his temples.
"Sorry," Jared and Connor deadpanned, most unapologetically, and still glaring at each other.
"What time does Walgreens close, anyway?" Evan asked, looking up at Connor.
"Uh, I don't know. Maybe nine? We have time."
"What!" Jared yelped. "You guys are going to Walgreens? Without me?"
"Well, I need chapstick and conditioner, and Evan doesn't have ice cream in his house, so."
"Wait, what? You didn't tell me about the ice cream thing."
"Ice cream is a necessity for every household, Ev," Connor imparted sagely.
Evan blushed. "I-I don't-"
"Stop trying to cover up a condoms errand."
Now it was Connor's turn to blush. No matter how many comments Jared made, Connor never seemed to become immune.
"Fuck you, Kleinman."
"I think you're a little busy-"
"Bye, Jared!" Evan called, running out into the rain with Connor's hood over his head.
"Bye, Kleinman!" Connor called over his shoulder, trying to catch up with the apple of his eye.
Boots pounded on asphalt, the splashes from the puddles licking the hems of Connor's jeans, and he wrinkled his nose as the wet cold reached his ankles. Evan's beat up sneakers skilfully dodged plashes, fingers still wrapped around the hood on his head. Connor smiled fondly, nearly tripping in the process. Maybe it was the little moments that Connor loved so much. Raindrops tickling his skin, wet hair clinging to his neck, the pitter-patter of the rain hitting the pavement.
Connor came to a stop in front of the driver's door, hastily unlocking it with his key. It was an old car- a pale '86 Chevrolet Celebrity with a wooden stripe around the middle. He loved it with a passion, but having to manually unlock the vehicle, not so much. Quickly hopping in, he leaned over the tan seats to unlock the passenger door, and Evan scurried inside, the snap of the car door shutting behind him adding to the gentle symphony of laboured breaths and the thrum of the rain outside.
Connor really did love his car. Whenever it felt like there wasn't a place for him, like the world was trying to force him out, he had his car- an oasis in the desert of bullshit that was the population. Oasis, he pondered, running a hand through his hair. The rivulets of water streaming down the windows, the warmth of the car dispelling the cold of the rain, the blanket near-silence filling the vehicle (save for Connor and Evan's panting breaths.) It was... perfect. And Connor typically avoided using that word at all costs, because perfect things are always broken, or taken away, in his experience, but he didn't thing anything could ruin that moment.
He turned his head to look at Evan and his first thought was fuck.
He had been so distracted with Jared and running before, he hadn't gotten a proper chance to look at Evan. The sight of Evan wearing Connor's clothes did strange things to him, and he wasn't sure why. The mere vision of his best friend drowning in black fabric that was Connor's, and probably smelled like him, and that everyone who saw Evan in it would know that it was his filled his chest with stifling warmth and lightning festered in his finger tips and travelled up his hands and his arms. Combined with Evan's heaving chest and flushed cheeks, Connor was suddenly reminded of a dream he had the night before- Connor and Evan were in his oasis again, laying in the back seat, flushed cheeks and heaving chests once again, but this time with lips locked, roaming hands, and rolling hips.
Connor turned redder, a feeling of spiky guilt replacing the some of the warmth in his chest. He knew it was wrong to think about the other boy that way, he knew it was, really, but it felt right, like his arms were meant to bracket Evan's head, like his thigh was made for the space between his legs.
Connor rubbed his neck, feeling uncomfortable due to his guilt and another... recent development, that he opted to ignore.
He turned the key in the ignition, the murmur of the engine never failing to ignite a toasty feeling beneath his sternum.
He pulled out of the parking space, and began the misty drive to Walgreens.
Connor sat crouched in front of the conditioner bottles, deep in thought.
"Oh, Zoe texted," Evan informed him, thumbs flying across his phone screen. "She wants Reese's."
"How does she even know we're here?" Connor asked, turning to look at the blond.
"She texted me," Evan answered. A while ago, Zoe had decided to forgo texting Connor whenever she needed to contact him, and now uses Evan as a middle-man. Which works, (most irritatingly, in Connor's opinion, due to the constant teasing from later reason) because A; Connor almost never checks his messages, and even if he did, he's terrible with responding, and B; Connor and Evan are practically always together. Despite the frequency of Zoe's nonchalant and painfully reasonable messages, it never failed to deliver a pang of jealousy within Connor. "Because there's Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe."
Connor recalled the afternoon in the computer lab where Evan and him became properly acquainted for the first time- Evan had hastily (and most panickedly) explained that he didn't intend for Connor to see the note, that it was for a therapy assignment, and that he didn't mean to offend him. After Evan's prompt panic attack, they had become practically inseparable, two peas in a pod, joined at the hip, ad infinitum.
A few weeks (fine, the very same afternoon) after their friendship started, Connor took the time to fully read the note and realize how sad it was, and Evan's words came back to him. Although he now knew that Evan wouldn't hurt a fly, it still planted a seed of doubt in his mind. If it was for therapy, why did it sound so... gloomy? Saying stuff like that to people, in Connor's experience, got you committed to a residential, and the stuff about Zoe....
So Connor confronted him about it a while later, once the curiosity and suspicion ate away at his remaining self-control on the matter (and he had gained great confidence in his ability to tell when his friend was lying.) Evan quickly explained that he was just frustrated, and he didn't really know why he printed it, because there was no way he'd give that to his therapist. He also clarified that he didn't have a crush on Zoe- Evan was friendless, and Zoe seemed to have an infinite supply of companions. He figured that if he became Zoe's friend (because "she always seems so nice to everyone") that maybe he could make even more. No, Evan didn't like her like that, and Connor believed him, but in some moments Connor found it difficult to push away his initial thoughts and envies.
"Can I see?" Connor asked, standing quickly, looking for anything to ease the bitterness that had filled him alarmingly fast.
A cherry-red colour quickly spread across Evan's cheeks, and he blurted out a swift, "No!"
Connor felt unjustified anger rise in him like smoke, a ravenous and relentless beast feeding on insecurity and failing hope. Connor abruptly snatched the phone from Evan's hands and raised it up into the air as he read the open messages, far above Evan's reach, ignoring Evan's protests.
< Zoe
Hey, what time is Connor going to be home after your date
Evan >
It's not a date!
(Maybe 4:30? I'm not sure yet.)
< Zoe
Netflix and chill, then?
On second thought, do NOT tell me
Evan >
NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT!
NOTHING LIKE THAT!
WE'RE AT WALGREENS
GETTING CHAPTSICK AND STUFF
WHY
IAHSNAJA
< Zoe
Did I break you again
Dang it
Oh while you're there can you get reeses 2 of the king sizes
Please
Evan
You still there
Evan >
Yes, I'm here.
< Zoe
Thank god I thought I really broke you that time
Anyway tell your boyfriend I need a ride to Amanda's by 6
Regret and shame replaced the roaring monster, and Connor handed the phone back to a flustered Evan. Of course he didn't want Connor to read it. How could he be so stupid?
"I'm- I'm sorry, I know that's not- I just- I- sorry-" Connor tugged at his hair, clenching his eyes shut firmly. Why do you always have to fuck everything up?
A warm hand clasped around his bare elbow, and Connor opened his eyes to see Evan standing much closer than before, reassuring smile on his face. In such close proximity, Connor could feel the heat radiating from the other boy, the hand around his arm spreading warmth to the rest of his body, relaxing him. He wondered how a human could be capable of doing this- just a touch of his arm, and Connor's shoulders untensed, the loud emotions ceased to a low simmer of embarrassment. Evan just... had that affect on him. Maybe Evan had the affect on everyone.
"It's fine, Connor. I probably shouldn't have reacted like I did-"
Connor quickly raised his free hand to grasp Evan's shoulder, saying, "No, don't apologize, Ev- this was completely my fault. Of course you have a fuckin' right to your privacy, I was in the wrong here. You're allowed to be mad at me, Ev, I acted like a fuckin' dick."
"Yeah, I mean..." Evan seemed to struggle to articulate that he forgave him without taking the blame for himself.
"Say it with me, Evan- 'Connor Murphy, you are a fucking idiot-'"
"No! I won't say that to you!"
"Just say it, real quick-"
Evan started giggling, and began to squirm in Connor's firm grip.
"No! That's so mean!"
Connor discreetly moved his hand to Evan's side, using the new real estate to tickle him slightly. An even louder laugh broke from the blond's lips, and Evan glared at him without malice. "I-I think your idiot- idiot-ness speaks for itself, without me saying anything about it."
Although Evan still struggled with throwing good-natured insults at Connor, the taller boy was happy to hear him say the remark, indicating his comfort in Connor's presence. Connor tickled him stronger this time, and Evan laughed harder, managing to wiggle out of Connor's hold.
Evan speed-walked over to the check out line, and Connor grabbed a bottle of something with the bright red letters; ANTI-FRIZZ! SOFT LOCKS FOR 36 HOURS!
Connor quickly trotted over to Evan, who was behind the only other customer in the store, waiting in the queue. When it was their turn, the Connor put his things on the counter in front of the store clerk, listening happily to his friend's mumbling about their haul.
"Chapstick, ice cream, conditioner, chocolate... oh, Zoe's Reese's!" Evan exclaimed, running off towards the candy aisle.
Connor chuckled, turning back around to look at the cashier. "Sorry about that."
He smiled broadly, shrugging. "That's alright. You two are so cute together!"
Connor turned red, choking on nothing. "Oh, no- it's not- no, I wish- no, it's not- no."
The man raised an eyebrow. "You wish, huh?" Smooth, Connor.
He fumbled to deny it, sputtering random words, but eventually sagged. Although it was a very strange thing to consider admitting to someone he didn't even know, Connor was so tired of frantically denying it and having to keep all of his feelings bottled up, of having to come up with excuses. He looked around him, making sure Evan wasn't near. "Well, I, uh... yeah. I really like him. Like that, I mean. I, uh... this is a really weird thing to say to a stranger."
The attendant tilted his head, confused. "Then how come you two aren't a couple?"
"He... he doesn't feel the same."
"Did he say so directly?"
"No, but, you know, I just, I really don't think he thinks of me that way."
The store clerk narrowed his eyes in thought, before his face lit up with a realization. "If only you could see what the rest of the world sees...."
The man began to rub his hands together, and suddenly Connor felt incredibly light-headed, spots appearing across his field of vision. "Woah," Connor mumbled, not feeling up to much else.
"If only you could see," the man repeated, Connor's knees growing weak.
As Connor's world became a whir of colours, and Connor collapsed onto the floor, he heard the distant cry of his name.
And so, Connor began his exploration of the Multi-Verse.