The Way Sorrow Tastes

by painted__black

Summary:

Ellie returns to Jackson after a year and a half of going rogue.

Chapter 1: Which to Bury; Us or the Hatchet?

Wisdom always chooses

these black eyes and these bruises

over the heartache that they say

never completely goes away

—Relient K

×

Maria paced carefully around the table in her basement. Tommy eyed her from a chair and across from him, Dina sat, bouncing her legs.

“I say we kill the bitch,” said Tommy, tilting his head. “’Fore she can kill us. She don’t have a loyal bone in her body.”

“Of course, Tommy, and I suppose you want the pleasure of doing so,” Maria slammed her hands on the table.

“I sure as hell do,” Tommy retorted.

Dina looked up and her brown eyes were solemn, “I have questions.”

Maria agreed, “While the both of you hold your grudges, I think it’s fair to get whatever information we can get out of her and then I will decide what to do. Jackson has had enough trouble and enough grief.”

×

Outside the gates of Jackson, Ellie and Dina shared the weight of Tommy. With a rag caked with blood on his face to match his anger, he growled. “Finally,” he said through his teeth. “This wasn’t worth losin’ an eye for.”

Ellie felt the panic swelling within her with each step, the throbbing of shame deep in her stomach. There was a part of her that didn’t believe she’d make it out of Seattle alive.

Seattle was a hole she jumped into. It swallowed her whole and lived underneath her skin like a parasite. She wanted to dig it out of herself with her mother’s knife. She wondered if it was all worth it.

Failure, she thought. She wasn’t dead and she had gotten the best of her. She will pay.

Maria had cried. Maria is not someone who cried easily, but she cried when Dina told her she was pregnant by Jesse who was gone.

She cradled Tommy in her arms after they tended to the loss of his eye better than Dina could. The gold necklace shimmered around her neck. Maria said, “Thank you for bringing him home,” but it couldn’t have been enough. Everyone in Jackson knew it was a miracle any of them came home.

Maria heard Tommy’s account of Seattle, heard Dina’s account of Seattle and finally, it was time for Ellie’s account.

“I wake up screaming every night,” she admitted, unable to look at Maria.

×

Maria braced herself on the table, sucked in air through gritted teeth. It wasn’t easy to lose Joel and in her own words, “It wasn’t fucking easy to see my husband come home without an eye and a gold necklace, but someone has to be the adult.”

After all, what was Jackson’s purpose? She thought. Wasn’t this supposed to be a sanctuary?

Maria had a soft spot for Ellie, what she loved most about her is that she knew that Ellie wouldn’t give up and it was just so hard to believe her when the woman at the end of Maria’s shotgun said—

“She let go of me. She told me to go. I was going to die and she let me go with Lev. I don’t know where she is. She was crying in the water as I left. I swear.” With a shotgun barrel to her head, Abby’s eyes locked with Maria's, wrists wrapped in metal and trembling.

Then she tracked her eyes to Dina, whose black hair framed her face and remembered how she gripped that hair and slammed her face into the floor until she saw enough blood. Abby remembered how she yanked her hair back with a knife to her throat.

“Stop,” Ellie called from the floor, her nose and throat filled with blood. “She had nothing to do with this.”

“She’s pregnant.” Ellie’s voice weakened at the admission, a last ditch effort.

Abby panted, the rush of the kill making her heart pound in her chest as she held the knife to the unconscious woman’s throat.

“Good,” Abby replied, the ghost of a laugh under her tongue, placing her hand on the top of the woman’s head for the cleanest possible cut in front of Ellie, the more blood, the more turmoil.

Abby didn’t break Dina’s cold stare, not even with a gun in her face.

Abby opened her mouth to speak, but Dina rose from her chair and sneered, “Murderer.” She stomped up the stairs and slammed the door. Abby waited until she didn’t hear the footsteps anymore.

“Please,” Abby begged Maria, “I want to see Lev.” Abby’s voice broke as tears slid down her cheeks, “If you decide to kill us, you can do whatever you want to me, b-but not in front of him, not where he can hear me scream.” Maria rested the shotgun on the table and watched Abby break down completely. Abby breathed in hard.

“Please, Maria, make his death swift.”

×

“What if Ellie shows up and everything she said is true?”

“And what if she fucking doesn’t because the murderer killed her already?” A broken mug against the wall.

“Tommy, you need to calm down,” Maria started, her voice strong and steady, “That girl isn’t lying to me.”

“That bitch killed my brother!” Tommy shouted, rising and leaning his weight on his good leg. “Did you fucking forget that, Maria? How she took a golf club and beat Joel to death? Or am I the only motherfucker in this town that remembers?”

“Tommy, I have not forgotten Joel,” said Maria, placing her hand on Tommy’s shoulder. “Nobody forgot about Joel.”

“I hope Ellie put a bullet in her own head 'cause she was good for nothing. I could’ve killed that bitch on my own, I almost did. She swore to me, Maria, she swore to me!” Tommy screamed.

“I know Ellie promised you and I know Ellie promised herself she would get justice, but we both know Ellie wasn’t capable of it.”

Tommy broke down, something too familiar to Maria after the group’s return from Seattle. His voice broke as he sobbed. Maria had grown tired of the wounds Seattle left on Tommy, it had fractured their relationship.

Maria couldn’t shoulder the blame Tommy placed on her for allowing Ellie and Dina to go just as much as she couldn’t hold it herself. She considered herself responsible for Jesse's death, he shouldn't have snuck pass the patrols.

Tommy said it so many times before, “They weren’t killers, Maria, they were just goddamned kids!”

×

Maria sat across from Lev, the boy with the thin scars on his cheeks. He recounted his story, admitted to shooting Tommy. “I want to tell him I’m sorry.”

“I stopped Abby from killing Dina. She was going to slit her throat in front of…” he trailed off, speaking her name, it felt wrong. Maria finished softly, “Ellie.”

“They kept us in cages and starved us. They terrorized us with the de—the Infected. They kept the Infected on chains. One night, Abby had tried to escape with me. It was because,” he drew in a deep breath, “One of them, they took Abby and I didn’t see her for hours, when she came back, she had a black eye, bruises on her arms, she was bleeding between her,” he gestured downwards.

“She was crying. She couldn’t say what happened or what they made her do. When another female prisoner, Alice asked her how many of them, Abby held up both hands, then three fingers.”

“Christ,” Maria breathed out. The thought of it made her stomach twist, it made her grit her teeth. Years ago, Tommy had told her about a girl about Abby’s age who rebelled against the poor conditions and a group of men in the military had their way with her, left her in a warehouse for dead until her sister snuck out and found her.

Maria considered herself fortunate to have her father and what they built in Jackson. The world was unforgiving and what was left of humanity was as scarce as the bare necessities needed to survive.

He shifted in his seat. “When we reached the Firefly base, everyone was dead. Abby told me stories about them and what she did with them. We just followed Owen’s lead.”

Maria sat back in her chair. She remembered in the months following Seattle, Ellie threw a Firefly pendant in her direction from across the room. Owen Moore.

“I can’t look at it,” Ellie whispered. “I shouldn’t have—”

Maria sighed and reached for Lev’s hand. He didn’t snatch it away. “Why Jackson?”

Lev said, “Abby had told me about it after the theater. When we left the Fireflies, I told her it was the place that nobody would suspect her to go. No WLF.”

“And she didn’t go down easily with that idea, I imagine,” Maria said.

“No, she told me someone from Jackson could kill us both on sight. She didn’t know if Ellie or Dina were there. She said if it wasn’t them, it would be someone else. She didn’t want me in danger because of what she had done.”

Lev paused and breathed before continuing. “I told her we had to try, that maybe there were Fireflies at Jackson. I begged her and told her that if I died, I wouldn’t be angry at her.”

Maria sighed, removing her hand from Lev’s.

“Is Abby alive?” he asked.

“I am still questioning her,” Maria confirmed.

×

Abby was careful about what she chose to tell Maria. There were times where she felt as if she didn’t have a choice. There was so much that happened between the death of her father, the death of Joel, Seattle and Santa Barbara. It felt like it was too much ground to cover.

Maria noticed Abby answered questions easier when there wasn’t a gun in her face. Maria noticed Abby responded better when she wasn’t restrained either. Abby wasn’t scared of death.

Maria knew Abby didn’t trust her and Jackson was the last place in the world she wanted to be and yet here she was, the infamous murderer, the talk of the town.

“I heard you’re an ex-Firefly,” Maria said. Abby shuffled her feet.

“Yes,” said Abby, her voice thin. Maria undid the handcuffs around her wrists. Maria noticed her flinch, her eyes meeting Abby's. A hint of fear, then shame for making the fear visible.

Abby thanked her softly, nervously rubbing her wrists where the metal dug into the skin. Maria sat down across from her, gesturing for Abby to continue.

“Me and Lev, we were looking for them before we got captured.” Abby swallowed hard, closing her eyes, lifting her hand carefully to fidget with the end of her ponytail. “I should’ve been sharper, more careful, I saw the Rattlers’ graffiti on the wall. We were so goddamn close.”

Maria didn’t speak and then she saw it. Abby’s eyes watering.

“I was fifteen years old. In Saint Mary’s, I walked down that hallway. The alarm had gone off. It was my father who Joel murdered.” Abby shuddered, held back a sob. “My father was trying to help.”

She struggled to breathe. “I dream I’m walking down that hallway, the red lights coating the walls, his blood all over the floor.”

“Downstairs in the parking garage, we found Marlene. She had been shot in the stomach and in the head. The Fireflies were trying to make a vaccine,” she finished through her teeth, “My father was going to make a vaccine.”

Maria’s face shifted from indifference to revelation. Abby shook her head, her eyes to her feet. “You don’t understand how we all lost that day.”

×

Tommy limped into the basement. As soon as she saw him, she looked down. “Yeah, you know who I am,” he laughed.

The Sniper.  

Tommy dragged the chair from across the table and sat inches away from Abby, the last time they were this close, she was standing over him, holding a gun. He smelled like old leather, tobacco and mint.

“You shot me in the head, girl, I know you ain’t scared to look me in the eye.”

Abby looked up, seeing the scar on his cheek and the aftermath of her pulling the trigger. She winced. Abby never got to see aftermaths like this, not when she had a winning streak. Abby shot to kill.

“You know, you look a lot different without those arms of yours, girl.” Abby didn’t respond.

“Ex-Firefly, ex-WLF, huh?” He gestures with a tilt of his head in the direction of Maria. “My ex-wife tells me that my brother killed your father.”

“Yes,” Abby responded.

“And you,” Tommy cut his eye at her, “You took it upon yourself to murder my brother. Four years you waited.”

Abby closed her eyes, “Yes, I got permission from Issac, the leader of the WLF, to hunt down Joel. I had heard about you first.”

“Hmm,” Tommy wet his lips, “You were about to get torn to pieces by that hoarde of Infected. Me and Joel saved your ass. The fear in your eyes, girl. But that fear didn’t hold you back when you shot that runner that was trying to make a meal outta me. I knew you were a force then.”

Abby took a deep breath, nodding. I don’t know if he’s complimenting me or insulting me.

“And your leader, you turned against him to protect that boy. He was gonna kill him, but then his sister shot him and you escaped with the boy, that right?”

“Yes, I fought my way out. I put bullets in the WLF soldiers’ heads to save me and him. I was Issac’s best.” There was no pride in Abby’s words, her eyes were empty. None of that means anything now.

“A traitor,” Tommy said sharply. “A traitor none of those Wolves stood a chance against.”

“I’m sure you don’t know I’d been looking for you, too,” Tommy drawled. “If it was up to me, I would’ve killed you myself, strangled you with my bare hands—Shit, I wanted to string you upside down, beat you with a bat tricked with nails like a piñata until your guts spilled out.”

Abby inhaled shakily. I knew he was a piece of work from the way he led the Infected to me and Manny with those shots, she thought. That’s not a swift death.

“You should know I left Jackson first. I left Maria a letter. I killed plenty of you Wolves along the way, three hundred and eighteen of them, including that friend of yours on the pier. And you should know I couldn’t come after you to make you number three hundred and nineteen because you took my eye,” he pulled the skin beneath his right eye, cracking open the eye with nothing but salvaged flesh to fill the space left behind.

Abby clenched her fists, looked to Maria and then back to Tommy. “I…”

“You should know my brother told me what he did before you beat him with that golf club.” Abby unclenched her fists, glanced down in her lap.

Tommy held out his hand, opening his palm. Abby tentatively took what was in his palm, a chain warmed from the body heat. She looked at the emblem, the Firefly sigil, flipped it over, Thomas Miller.

She couldn’t hold back the gasp. “It was true. You were a Firefly.”

Tommy scoffed. “And a killer just like you.”

Abby opened her mouth, then closed it.

“See, the people of Jackson don’t trust you. Hell, I don’t trust you, but Maria and Dina been thinking about telling them why you killed Joel,” he leaned forward and Abby felt his breath on his face. Mint. Tobacco. “It won’t win you any points and if we let you speak, they might stone you, but a little clarity is the icing on top of the shit cake.”

Abby chose her words carefully with a trembling voice, “Lev… He had nothing to do with that. Don’t hurt him, please.”

“We know he didn’t, he wasn’t in the room when you tortured my brother,” Tommy said. “All the boy did was leave me with a limp. Now, did you kill Ellie?”

“No,” Abby said, she inhaled, “I told you,” she glanced at Maria, “She wanted to fight and she almost drowned me and she let me go. I don’t know where she is.”

Believe me for his sake.

There was a knock on the door. Maria called to open it. Dina’s voice.

“I brought Lev like you asked, Maria.” Abby looked up, her eyes widening.

Abby softened visibly as Dina let go of Lev’s arm at the base of the stairs and he ran over to her and hugged her. Abby rubbed Lev’s back like a mother would, pressed her lips to the top of his head. She met Tommy’s gaze, then Maria’s and Dina's whose eyes lacked coldness this time.

“There, there, kid, I’m alright, are you okay? Have you been fed?” Lev nodded and Abby felt the wetness of his tears on her shoulder.

Maria said, “We decided not to kill you,” she looked towards Dina who continued.

“We decided not to let you leave either.” Dina crossed her arms.

Tommy looked at Abby and Lev, Lev showed fear more than Abby. “It’s a goddamn liability to let you leave. I ain’t sure if you’ll leave and change your mind, come back with whomever and slaughter us all. You’re welcome,” he finished shortly, scooting his chair back.

“Thank you,” Abby whispered, feeling Lev squeeze her hand.

Dina spoke next, “We have rules at Jackson, rules that we expect the both of you to follow.”

Maria finished, “Abby, we aren’t tolerating anything. If someone here gives you a problem, you have to come to me. We don’t fight each other. I don’t want to hear about a single threat from you. You come to me. Understand?”

Abby nodded. “I understand.”

“I’m going to walk you to the home you’ll be residing in. Lev has already been sleeping there for the past two nights. I want you to get cleaned up and I will leave you dinner for tonight. You and I will talk more then.”

Maria looked towards Tommy and Dina and stepped up to place her hand on Tommy’s shoulders. She stared down at Abby.

“I hope you know trust is earned, Abigail.”

Abby looked down.

And forgiveness? A pipe dream.

×

A steel winter. Ellie left a track of footprints in the freshly fallen snow. Outside the gates of Jackson, she stood. It was just past 7, dark and cold. She shivered in the leather jacket she salvaged from a store in California.

When she was spotted outside the gates, they made her wait. She fiddled with her gloves, fingers tracing over the spot where her last two fingers were. Why the fuck are they making me wait?

Maria greeted her at the gates. “Follow me to my house, Ellie.”

It was a brisk wind in the air as their boots crunched against the snow. Ellie blew air into her gloved hands. I’m grateful I arrived at this time. No one knows I’m here. They’re all in their homes. I know Maria wants to talk.

Closing the door behind them, Maria and Ellie removed their boots. Maria gestured for Ellie to sit on her couch by clapping the brown leather.

“When’s the last time you ate?” called Maria from the kitchen.

“Yesterday,” Ellie replied. “I found a rabbit.”

Ellie removed her gloves, set them on the table and shrugged off her backpack and gear. She looked around the living room, her eyes falling on a photo of Joel, Tommy, Maria and her. She was young then, 16, her tongue out in the photo. She remembered Joel scolding her and Maria laughing it off.

“You don’t want to smile,” Joel rolled his eyes.

Maria came to Ellie's defense, “Let her be a teenager, did you smile in photos when you were a sixteen?”

“Maria, you know there ain’t no goddamn photos around and you sure as hell know I don't remember—”

“Really? Tommy, go get the book.”

Tommy chugged down his whiskey and laughed.

“What damn book?” Joel asked.

“Yeah, I wanna see pictures of Joel when he was my age!” Ellie laughed.

Tommy cracked open the book on the table, flipped to a page, “See, Joel never smiled,” and he pointed to a picture of him and Joel together, a younger Tommy with a messy head of blonde hair was beaming next to Joel who wore a dark buzz cut.

“Wow, you look like such a fucking old man now,” Ellie laughed, leaning over the book. “Who fucking knew young Joel would look like he was a part of the military! And you’re not even smiling!”

Joel laughed, “I’ll shave your head so you look like you were gonna join those bastards, too.” Ellie yelped, smoothing her hands over her hair, Tommy and Maria chuckled.

Maria’s voice cut through the memory and she placed a plate of rice, green beans, a breaded chicken breast and a glass of water in front of Ellie, but Ellie didn’t know what she said.

Ellie grabbed the fork, pushed around food on the plate.

“Eat,” Maria commanded and Ellie didn’t hesitate anymore.

“Are you gonna talk to me?” Ellie said after a swallow, holding her disfigured hand to her mouth.

“I don’t want you to leave again,” Maria started.

Leave again?

“You left Dina and no one heard from you for over a year, Dina said you left to kill Abby. I thought you’d put a bullet in your head.”

“And?” Ellie said, putting down her fork, crossing her arms and staring at Maria.

“You didn’t kill Abby,” Maria treaded carefully, watching Ellie’s face change.

How does she know I didn’t k—

“Because Abby and the boy came here.”

Ellie stood up and rage flashed in her forest green eyes,

“And did you fucking kill her, Maria?” Ellie threw the fork and it hit a painting.

“Ellie,” Maria stood up with her hands out, walking towards Ellie, “I need you to calm down.”

Ellie turned away, running a hand through her hair. She collapsed to her knees, her hand on her chest as her breathing quickened.

“Fuck,” Ellie gasped out, her eyes squeezed shut. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. The room is fucking spinning. Fuck.”

“Ellie?” Maria crouched next to Ellie, her arm around her neck only to remove it as Ellie lurched forward and gagged, the chewed rice, green beans and chicken breast returning and spilling onto the floor.

“Damn it, Ellie,” Maria said softly, holding back Ellie’s long hair.

Ellie retched again and Maria moved to go get a towel and a bucket.

When Ellie was done vomiting and Maria was done cleaning, she spoke, hands shaking. “So you just let her become a part of Jackson? After what she fucking did?”

Maria crouched in front of Ellie. “I interrogated her several times, Ellie. I thought she killed you. With a gun to her head, she said she didn’t, but you let her go. Is that true, Ellie?”

Ellie held her trembling right hand to her chest and gasped out, “Fuck, I let her go.”

“Why did you let her go?” Maria placed her hands around Ellie’s shoulders and squeezed gently.

“I…” Ellie’s hands shook harder, her voice higher, “I remembered Joel.”

Did I make the right decision? I can’t do anything fucking right. She came back. Why did she come here? I should leave. I should leave. I should leave. Should I kill her before I leave? I fucked up. I fucked up. Where’s Tommy? Where’s Dina?

“Ellie?” Maria shook her as Ellie’s breathing quickened and her eyes zoned. “Ellie? Are you going to throw up again?”

Notes:

Sorry, but I'm not sorry, the Last of Us Part II lives in my head rent free. I haven't written fic in while, please be nice. How much of my own story do I spoil by using the tags? And Microsoft Word isn't free? The world has indeed changed since I signed up for AOOO. This fic is secretly a job application to Naughty Dog.

Also I name the chapters after songs and reference some of the lyrics at the beginning of the chapter. And I thought of the title last minute!

Chapter 2: Body Language

I’ve been left alone,

all my time spent in my head,

try defending all my sins,

and if you could only know my body language,

we could hold conversations,

I’ve been patient

—Balance and Composure

×

Abby walked down the hallway again with her gun in hand. She neared the door to the operating room, breathing hard. When she opened it, she walked on the sand and into the murky water. Ellie came up from behind her, cold steel at her throat, “I got you,” Ellie hissed in her ear and Abby felt her throat open before she could scream.

Abby woke up in a cold sweat, gasping, holding her neck. She brought her knees up to her chest. She looked at the clock, watched it change from 3:32 to 3:33AM.

Abby laid down and tried to breathe. My chest is so tight. Her heart thundered underneath the skin with no signs of slowing down. Abby swung her legs off the bed.

Abby walked downstairs into the living room. It had been three months since she and Lev came to Jackson to seek refuge. Abby sat on the couch, opened the window and watched the snow fall.

Jackson was quiet and as much as it unsettled her, she assumed she needed this.

Lev needed this, she thought.

The people of Jackson hadn’t warmed up to her yet and probably never would. She worried that Lev would struggle making friends. It seemed as if people liked Lev more than her. She could live with that.

Maria had gifted her a set of journals and a bunch of gel pens, a little early for Christmas as it was only a week away. “It might help,” Maria said to her.

Abby opened a page and the words flowed a little easier this time.

12-18-2040

I dreamt of her. This was the second time this week. She slit my throat in the ocean.  I’m not sure what Owen would think of me for being here, he might want me to leave, but I didn't do this for me, I did this for Lev. I saw Dina this week. The way people stared when she approached me, God. I hate being stared at. I know what they think I am. A murderer. Isn’t that what I am?

Dina spoke to me kindly. She asked me if I wanted to come to her home and have dinner. Honestly if she pulled a knife on me, I wouldn’t be surprised. I can’t back out, I already said yes. What the fuck is wrong with me? Dina and I avoided each other until now. Maria told me I killed the father of her child, but I heard someone saying it to someone on the street the second week I was here. She said Dina wasn’t consumed by what I did. I still can’t trust her. And she still can’t trust me.

Abby closed the book, set the pen on top, closed her eyes and massaged her temple. She curled up on the couch and her breathing slowed.

She woke up to Lev walking as quietly as he could around her. She sat up quickly.

“I’m sorry,” Lev said softly. “Good morning.”

“No, I’m a light sleeper,” Abby said, rubbing the sand from her eyes.

“What does that mean?” The question made Abby smile, she never really turned down a chance to teach him.

“It means I don’t sleep as deeply as others. I just wake up easily. You showered?”

“Yes,” Lev said. “I forgot to tell you last night, but my friend wanted to come to her house.”

“Your friend? Who? Iyra?” Abby teased.

Lev reddened. “I don’t know what you mean? Why did you say friend like that? You don’t want me to go?”

“No, I’m just messing with you,” Abby said smiling, arms folded over the top of the couch. “Go and be safe.”

Abby fixed Lev’s scarf before he left and walked upstairs to the bathroom. She relieved herself and twisted the faucet to the shower. The water came through with a shriek. She kicked off her sweatpants and pulled her shirt over her head, with one hand she undid her ponytail and with the other, she tested the water.

She stepped into the shower, drenched her head. She wet her red cloth, squeezed the oil-based soap into it. It smelled like basil. She soaped down her body from head to toe.

She worked the soap into her blonde hair, squeezing gently. It was growing back nicely and when she let go, her hair slapped back a few inches below her shoulder blades.

She remembered what the Rattler had said to her, “You think you’re tough like a man, huh?”

He dragged her by her braid. Abby screamed. She scrambled with her legs beneath her. She felt the knife scrape the back of her neck.

“Stay fucking still, bitch!” She felt the knife sawing at her strands. He threw the braid in front of her and she was stunned. He grabbed the top of her head, sawed as she cried. Sawing and tossing, sawing and tossing until he was done.

Abby rinsed her head under the water, smoothing her hair behind her ear.

Don’t think about that.

Underneath the water, she breathed in to steady herself and the water went up her nose. She saw Ellie on top of her again, green eyes full of rage as she tried to get her head above water.

Abby hyperventilated, pinching the top of her nose breathing as hard as she could through to get the water out. “Fuck!” she yelled.

She turned off the water and wrapped her towel around and hurried out, nearly slipping. She braced herself on the sink.

“Fuck,” Abby said, leaning against the porcelain. “I’m glad Lev didn’t overhear that.”

Abby strode into her bedroom, still plain and undecorated. She pulled the blue towel from her body and wrapped it around her head. Her body dried in the cold air. She stepped to the oak dresser and opened drawers, thumbing through the folded clothes. The most of them scavenged from stores. Maria popped up with a shopping cart at her house the week after her arrival with them. 

Abby slipped into her clothes, a pair of black underwear, a black sports bra, a pair of jeans that hung on her hips and a white henley. She went stepped out into the hallway, passed by Lev's open door. She looked in. He seemed more at home than her. He had a growing collection of books of all kinds and there was a few open on his bed. She continued on, descending the stairs and went into the kitchen.  She lifted up the bread box and snatched a piece of bread, turned it over in her hands to make sure it wasn't molded. She bit into the bread and heard a knock.

She opened the door to one of the patrols she’d seen around.

“Gabriel?” Gabriel was tall, muscular with skin the color of wet sand and dark brown eyes, his hair a mess of black curls that curved into each other. She stepped aside and he greeted her with a smile, “Abby."

Behind him, Maria coughed into her gloved hands, nodded at Abby and she stepped in.

“Abby, I need to sit down with you.”

×

A few of Jackson’s residents saw her. They kept it short with her. She didn’t want to ask questions and frankly, neither did they. She turned her head as she saw them whisper. She walked the familiar path and tried to ignore how her hands shook. Everything is so damn different and somehow, still the same.

In the snow, she kneeled down in the snow and whispered, “I’m sorry.” She thumbed the engraving on the stone. “I don’t know why I couldn’t… Would you have wanted me to?”

“I lost everything, Joel,” Ellie said. “You died because of me. Jesse died because of me. Tommy almost died because of me. I fucked up everything. I lost Dina and JJ. I killed so many people. I hear their last words when I can’t sleep.”

“I just—Fuck! I don’t know what to do. Maria let her come here. I don’t know how to feel. I feel like—I feel like I should’ve finished the job. I feel like I should leave, like Jackson isn’t for me.”

She breathed in shakily, closing her eyes to stop from crying. “Tommy said I was a joke. I guess it’s true. If I had just—fuck, if I had just not let go of her for one more minute, I would’ve—”

”You would’ve what?” Ellie turned around and Tommy stood there with a walking stick, dressed in a black leather jacket and plain blue jeans with black boots. His blonde hair was drawn back into a low ponytail, longer than it had been before. His hazel eye wasn't frigid, but sympathetic.

Ellie didn’t speak. “Now listen, Ellie,” he said, “I’m not about to argue with you over my brother’s dead body.” He closed the distance in between them.

My throat, Ellie thought, I don’t know what to say.

“It’s a little bittersweet seein’ you, Ellie. I’m glad you ain’t dead, at least.”

“Same to you,” Ellie mumbled. “You know about this? Abby and…” The boy’s name escaped Ellie, the last time she saw him, she was holding a knife to his throat and he was unconscious.

“Lev? I knew about it. I spoke to her. I was as angry as you. I was more angry thinkin’ she’d killed you. I thought you weren’t gonna go, but I went to visit the farm again and Dina was alone with JJ, bawling her eyes out, talking about how y’all argued and you left.”

Tommy continued, “I was more surprised to hear you let her go. I didn’t believe it, but I guess I do now that you’re here. Maria and Dina didn’t want to kill her. We didn’t wanna let her go either, might come back to haunt Jackson.”

“Dina didn’t want to kill her?”

“Dina ain’t nearly as bloodthirsty as you or me, Ellie. You knew what Dina wanted and you ruined it.”

Ellie looked away. A snow was falling over Jackson, gentle flurries swirling in the air.

“I get how you feel. You forget I woke up in that room with you. I left you behind here in Jackson because I knew you could kill, but I never thought you could handle the reality of killing. Humans are different from Infected. And this was too close for you,” he gestured to Joel.

“And it wasn’t for you?” Ellie cut her eyes at Tommy, face flushing with anger and embarrassment.

“Goddamn it, Ellie,” Tommy growled, “Shut up and listen to me! When me and Jesse walked into that room, you were seconds away from throwin’ up and you couldn’t even fucking stand.”

“I’m not fucking weak, Tommy!” Ellie snapped.

“I never said you was weak, Ellie. You were too vulnerable.”

Ellie rose and stepped to Tommy, “Same shit, I’m not fucking weak, Tommy!”

She was so close to him, looking up at his face and the fog of each other’s breath mingled.

“Who are you trying to prove that to? And what the fuck are you trying to prove?” Tommy snapped back at Ellie. “I may be crippled, but I promise you I’ll fuck you up right here where you stand if you raise a single fucking finger at me, girl! I don’t give a fuck if my brother crossed the country to deliver your ungrateful ass to the Fireflies—Remember he asked me to finish that goddamn job? My brother saving your life was a fucking waste of time and I wish he left you there at that fucking hospital. I know my brother wouldn’t be dead today if it wasn’t—”

“Fuck you!” Ellie shouted and lunged at Tommy and they fell back into the snow. Ellie and Tommy wrestled in the snow besides Joel’s grave, trading blows and insults. Tommy punched Ellie in her ribs and she cried out. As her body curled in the snow, Tommy, not nearly as disadvantaged as people treat him, placed his good knee on Ellie’s stomach to pin her down on the ground. He swung at her face in anger when Ellie let down her block to swing back.

“You fucking ungrateful bitch!” He shouted as he struck her and when he heard someone yelling and looked up, Ellie spat the blood in her mouth at him.

Two Jackson teens came rushing over, both of them screaming at the top of their lungs to stop. Ellie mustered up her strength to shove Tommy off of her. She spat again into the snow, staining it red, breathing hard, the cold air made her chest sting as her heart rate dropped. The girl grabbed Ellie’s arm while the boy helped Tommy up.

The Huntington twins, Ellie thought. Better them than anybody else.

“Come on, Ellie,” Ruth whispered, her voice colored with blue sympathy. She nodded in her brother’s direction, “Jordan, just, just stay there, I’ll back up.” Ruth was taller than Ellie with brown hair and blue eyes.

“Are you okay? Should I take you down to the infirmary?” Ruth whispered.

“I’m fine,” Ellie said slowly, looking back at Tommy who walked the opposite way with Jordan, no second glance.

He was right. If Joel didn’t take me from the hospital, he would be alive. Jesse, too.

×

I should’ve known this was going to happen. That dream was a warning.

“Abby? Abby?” Maria touched Abby’s hand and she snatched it. “Abby,” she said sternly, sounding like a mother scolding a child.

“Do you want me and Lev to leave?” Abby asked.

“No,” Maria said. “I am just worried about the two of you here. I think… I think the two of you need to talk. We can keep you apart for now as long as we assign a few people to keep eyes on you both.”

Abby leaned on her elbows, eyes aimed at the floor, then at Maria’s. “You don’t trust me.”

“I didn’t,” Maria sighed, exasperated, “Shit, I didn’t say that. I… just want to diffuse everything. I need your weapons, Lev's weapons and I’m gonna take hers. Remember, I gave them back to you, I trusted you enough to do that.”

“Fine,” Abby was short. I can kill her with my bare hands if I need to.

Abby went upstairs to retrieve her guns, a pistol, a rifle, and a shotgun. She stuffed the pistol into the back of her jeans, held the long guns to her hips with her arm. She went into Lev’s room, another pistol into the back of her jeans, shouldered the handmade holder and its arrows to rest off her back, bow in the other hand.

She came down the stairs. The knife stays under my pillow.

Gabriel took the weapons and gave Abby a sorry look and Abby grimaced, closing her eyes. Gabriel was no soldier, but he knew a soldier without their guns is to sleep with no safety.

“I want you to sit down with her," Maria sighed. "I need you to do this, Abby."

“And if she lunges at me to strangle me again?” Abby slumped against the couch, defeated.

“We won’t let it get to that point.” Are you lying, Maria?

Maria sighed. “Do you have any plans tonight? Where is Lev?”

“Lev is at Iyra’s house. Dina invited me over for dinner, but I don’t know if I’ll go.”

“Okay,” Maria said, meeting Gabriel at the door. “Abby,” she called. Abby looked up at Maria's soft blue eyes, the frown on her face.

“Please don’t take this personal. We aren’t taking sides anymore.”

Abby nodded and the door closed behind them. Abby retreated upstairs, her legs feeling like weights. She curled underneath the comforter and closed her eyes.

×

Ellie was outside her home, pressing a handful of snow to her face to bring down the swelling. She’d go in, eye herself in the mirror for as long as she could stand it, then go outside. Tommy went easier on her face, just redness. She did this three times until the side of her face went down. She pulled up her grey long sleeve in the mirror, her fingers hovering over the yellow and purple bruise on her ribs where Tommy hit her the hardest.

“Fuck you, Tommy,” she whispered, wincing as she pressed the bruise. Asshole's probably sleeping with a smile on his face.

Ellie threw on her jacket and went out the door. Maria told her where Dina lived a few days back. Ellie ducked down a few side streets and was grateful for her longer hair. If she kept her head low, people wouldn’t look too long. Four streets North and a detour that involved three streets East.

Just one more street to cut back over to, Ellie thought. The closer she got, the colder her feet became, but she forced herself to keep going.

She stood outside the door. She raised her hand to knock and she stared at her right hand, it was trembling. Ellie hurried down the steps, eyes straight ahead, backing out. Such a stupid idea.

Behind her, Dina froze in the window, squinted, then moved out of view.

She opened the door, “Ellie?”

Ellie turned around.  Fuck. Her face was flushed from the cold and her nerves shot.

“Hi,” Ellie said, pulling at her jacket. Ellie looked at Dina, then away towards the snow-covered bushes in the front of her home. “I… I wanted to see you and JJ, but I’ll go if you want me to.”

“No, no, no, come in,” Dina said softly. “Please, I was just about to make dinner.”

Ellie removed her jacket, boots and sat down on Dina’s living room floor and grinned as she led JJ to her. “My boy,” Ellie gushed, scooping the child in her arms. “You’re so big!”

Ellie held JJ close. “Ooooh, you need a haircut. You’ve got your mommy’s hair, so thick!” Dina laughed, leaning against the wall’s frame.

“He needs a haircut? What about you? Your hair is longer than I’ve ever seen it.”

“I needed a change,” Ellie said, picking up JJ.

Dina set JJ’s food down in front of Ellie, locking eyes with her, pausing and saying, “Let me go put the broccoli on.” Ellie nodded. Their eyes lingered on each other, but neither of them spoke.

Holding JJ, sometimes it made everything go away for Ellie. This was one of those moments. She sighed as she fed him. She wasn’t thinking about Seattle. She wasn’t thinking about the blood on her hands. She wasn’t blaming herself for leaving to Santa Barbara or Seattle, or thinking of anybody who was. She was here in this moment.

“Shit,” Dina hissed over the clatter of metal. Ellie jumped up with JJ on her hip. “What?”

“I just dropped a fork, it’s not a big deal.”

Ellie resumed feeding JJ. She did everything she would’ve done prior to leaving, changing him, using his stuffed animals as puppets. Finally, she put JJ in his crib. The boy was on the cusp on of sleep, but his eyes lit up at the sound of her voice.

“It’s hard to believe that I’m all alone, at least I have her love, the city she loves me, lonely as I am, together we cry…” Ellie took a breath and sang softly as JJ fought his sleep, his hand wrapped around her finger.

 “I don’t ever wanna feel like I did that day, take me to the place I love, take me all the way… I don’t ever wanna feel like I did that day, take me to the place I love, take me all the way, yeah...” JJ’s grip loosened and Ellie removed her finger, green eyes sparkling, softly vocalizing, nodding her head to drums she heard in her head. 

"Under the bridge downtown is where I drew some blood, under the bridge downtown, I could not get enough, under the bridge downtown, forgot about my love," Ellie looked up and saw Dina in the reflection of the window.

Dina's eyes widened in surprise, bit her lip, and when Ellie turned around, she mouthed that dinner was done. Ellie followed her down the stairs.

“I missed your voice,” she admitted as she made the plates. Sauteed broccoli, brisket and a side of pasta tossed in oil.

“I missed your food,” Ellie smiled into her arm at the table.

Dina turned around with both plates in hand, placing Ellie’s in front of her.

Dina sat down, pushed at her food with a fork. She stared at Ellie’s left hand. “Ellie,” she started to say.

Ellie noticed her staring. She swallowed. “I got bit twice in Santa Barbara,” Ellie said solemnly. She held up the hand with the scarred proof Dina could see if you looked closely enough—“A Clicker,” then opened that same hand, incomplete, “Abby.” The woman’s name felt like acid on her tongue, the long-awaited apology stuck in her throat behind the damage.

Dina didn’t respond, just scooped pasta into her mouth. They didn’t say much more, exchanging glances. The silence was thick, heavy and Ellie waited for Dina to say something, anything. She didn't. Ellie got up and washed her plate, Dina came beside her, placed her hand on hers and said, “No, I got it.”

“No, Dina, I can do it.”

”Ellie, this is my house,” Dina tugged at the plate in Ellie’s hand.

“No, go sit down,” Ellie tugged back.

“Ellie, no,” Dina argued and tugged the plate hard, breaking it on the side of the sink. Dina instinctively reached for the large shard before Ellie could and scraped her palm. “Fuck,” she said, reeling back, the blood pooling in her palm.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Ellie asked, stepping back.

“Me?” Dina replied in disbelief as she ran her hand under the water. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Me? Dina, you’re fighting me over a fucking plate!”

“And you fucking left us,” Dina snapped back, then saw Ellie’s face. Ellie’s eyes were wide in shock, her lips parted almost as if she was going to say something, but couldn’t. Dina reached for a towel, pressed it to her hand as Ellie backed up.

“Ellie, wait, please,” Dina pleaded. Ellie was just as quick-footed as she remembered and just as hard to follow. “I didn’t mean to—W-We should just talk this out,” Dina said weakly.

Ellie was twisting her foot into her boot, she wouldn’t even look at her.

“Fuck, Ellie, don’t leave, don’t leave,” Dina begged, trying to close the distance between her and Ellie, but Ellie jerked backwards as if Dina was a stranger who wanted her life.

Ellie threw on her jacket, opened the door and the freezing air filled the room, but Ellie’s words were colder, “Thanks for the food.”

Dina let out a sob as the door slammed shut.

×

Abby pushed open the door of her house and a blistering wind rushed through her thin clothes, biting her skin. Her eyes peering at the two patrols switching off with a fist bump. She slammed it behind her and pressed herself against it as she locked it. Fuck, Abby thought. She never liked being under surveillance. She could't help but think this would go on forever.

“Fuck!” Abby yelled, throwing her boots across the room.

Lev called out, “Abby? Are you okay?” Abby jumped at the sound of his voice. “Lev, I didn’t know you were here, why didn’t you wake me up?”

Lev hurried down the stairs. “You were sleeping really soundly.”

“Did you eat at Iyra’s? I can make something.” Abby pulled away from the door and tried to hide her full body freeze when she realized. Shit, I was supposed to go to Dina’s and I just slept. Fuck it. I’ll apologize and come over another time.

“Yes, the food her mom makes, it’s so good. She made this dish called chicken parmesan,” and Abby laughed as she poured herself a glass of water from the sink.

“Par-meh-san?” She grinned, repeating Lev’s pronunciation. “Parm-eh-zan,” Abby corrected with a grin on her face. Lev pouted, repeating the word a few times to himself while Abby nodded proudly when he got it.

Abby finished her water and sighed when she saw the worry in his eyes, the way Lev slightly scrunched his nose at her whenever he had a question he wanted to ask, but felt like he couldn’t.

As much as Abby didn’t want to be open, whenever Lev gave her that look, she felt guilt overtake her. Her father tried to involved her in everything and there wasn't anything she really couldn’t ask him. She remembered her promise back.

“Whenever I asked something my mother didn’t want to answer, she struck me with a stick. To question her was to disrespect her.” Lev explained, not looking at Abby, focusing on the fire Abby had built. He rubbed his arm almost as if he was lost in a memory. Abby had stared at him, munching on the deer he had shot while they travelled through the forests of Northern California where nature reigned.

“You can ask me anything,” Abby responded, repeating her father’s words.

“Anything?” Lev looked at her.

“Anything.”

Abby reeled back from her own memory, looked at Lev, “What do you want to ask me, kid?”

“Where is my bow? My arrows and pistol are gone, too.” Abby walked to Lev, grabbed him gently by the hand and led him to the black couch where they sat.

“Maria came by with Gabriel,” Abby sighed, messing with her hair. “Listen,” she said, squeezing his hand, “It makes me uneasy, too, and we didn’t do anything wrong. Maria…” Abby struggled to find her words.

“The girl, Ellie, she’s back,” Abby said, her voice cracking when she spoke her name. Lev’s eyes widened and Abby continued.

“Maria, she… she doesn’t want any trouble and neither do I,” Abby rubbed Lev’s back. “She said she took her guns, too. I have a knife underneath my pillow just in case, but that stays between us.” Lev nodded.

“But what if you or me run into her? What if she tries to hurt you?” Lev asked.

I’ll defend myself, Abby thought. “We’ll go together everywhere, Lev. Don’t worry. Maria wanted me to sit down with Ellie and talk.”

“Talk? But Abby—” Lev cut himself off, struggling to find his words.

“I don’t want to talk either,” Abby admitted. “But in order to stay here and be safe, I have to sacrifice some things. I thought about us leaving, but it would be like California all over again. We were either going to die or get lucky. To find somewhere else like this, it’s rare and people aren’t trustworthy. And this is a new life for you. I want you to feel at home here.”

Lev’s worry deepened on his face. Abby threw her arms around him and Lev hugged her back. He buried his face in her chest and listened to her talk.

“Nothing and no one is going to stop me from making sure you and I are both safe here. We fought for so hard and so long,” Abby said softly. “I got you…”

Lev pulled back. “I’m scared she’ll hurt you and they’ll let them.”

Abby looked down at him. “No, no, no, that won’t happen.” Deep down, she wasn’t sure.

They embraced each other and Abby thought, You and me against the world, kid. Some things never change.

×

Ellie found herself walking around Jackson in the dark. She was freezing, but not ready to go home. She turned down streets for the sake of turning down them. She walked while her mind raced.

I should’ve brought it up. Why didn’t I bring it up? I couldn’t have brought it up. Dina is not going to talk to me again or let me see JJ.

Another street she hadn’t been down yet.

Not only did I piss off Tommy and fight him, I pissed off Dina. Fuck, I’ll be surprised if Maria doesn’t kick me out of Jackson. Not even my first week back.

Why couldn’t she just let me wash the damn plate?

I missed JJ.

I shouldn’t have left to Santa Barbara. I shouldn’t have gone to Seattle.

Ellie ran a hand through her hair. Another street.

She stopped, gasped, hearing a stray cat shriek. It reminded her of the scream Nora let out, the scream that let her know Nora was ready to talk.

Relax, Ellie. But she couldn’t.

Nora looked up at Ellie and Ellie took a deep breath, pacing in front of Nora, dragging the pipe on the ground. Nora wheezed with every breath.. "You're breathing spores..." She wheezed. "You're her."

Ellie tried to shake the memory off, but it only pulled her in deeper.

Nora wept on the floor in front of her. Her chest and neck were inflamed because of the spores. She wheezed, spat out blood and three teeth from the previous swing, one to her jaw.

Ellie groaned and turned around. No.

“Does Abby know you’re down here dying like this?” Ellie taunted.

Nora sobbed harder.

Ellie struck her kneecap with the pipe as hard as she could and Nora screamed again.

“When you turn, Nora,” Ellie looked at the tail end of the pipe, covered in blood, “You’re stuck inside your body until your brain is completely taken over. I’ve seen recently Infected call out their loved ones’ names.”

Nora hyperventilated, choked and sobbed.

“I wonder whose name you’ll call as you lose your mind. My guess is that you’ll scream for Abby. Maybe Leah who's fucking dead. How about Manny? None of them will be here to put you out of your misery before you become one of them.”

“Please, stop,” Nora cried out.

Nora wheezed, held up her hand in front of her face to shield Ellie from striking her there.

“Where—the—fuck—is—Abby?” Each swing made Nora scream. Nobody could hear her down here.

Ellie swung at Nora’s side as hard as she could, the breaking of her ribs audible to them both. Nora shrieked out in pain and cried some more.

“Stop, stop, please, please, please fucking stop,” she said coughing up blood, she used her good arm to wipe the blood and snot running down her face. “I-I’ll tell you.”

Ellie reeled herself back, breathing hard and bursting into a run. It was time to backtrack. When she couldn’t run anymore, she walked through the middle of the street briskly.

Ellie found herself close to the main strip of Jackson, yet still on a side street. Upon hearing the noise, she thought, I need a fucking drink.

Ellie rushed up the side of the bar, boots thumping against the wood. It wasn’t too late nor too early. She slid between people walking out, “Excuse me,” she mumbled.  

She sat down at the end of the bar. Seth looked up and noticed her. “It’s been a while, Ellie,” he greeted. “What do you need?”

Ellie shrugged. Something strong to get my mind off tonight. Ellie wasn’t too much of a drinker and yet alcohol didn’t bother her. She had ingested far worse than that.

“Give me something... tolerable?”

She watched as Seth poured her drink. He slid it toward her and she caught it with her open hand. “A vodka with lime juice,” he said and she nodded. He turned his back to another person and she took a swig of her drink. This isn't tolerable.

Ellie drank, scanned the room, drank again. She was being kind to Seth, so he gave her another. Even though Ellie knew the names of most of the people in the bar, she didn’t initiate or say hi. When someone’s eyes lingered on her too long, she stared until they looked away.

I feel like a ghost.

Towards the end of the night, people were leaving. She watched them stumble out of the bar in high spirits. Ellie was a lightweight riding a buzz. Alcohol warmed and numbed her all the same.

 She felt a hand on her shoulder and tensed.

“Since when do you come to the Bison?” Ellie inhaled sharply. Maria's voice.

“I heard you got into a fight with my ex-husband in the cemetery today,” Maria whispered. "You wanna tell me what happened?"

“Maria,” Ellie sighed into her gloved hands. “He was talking so much shit and I just,” Ellie scanned the room again. Just a few people nursing their drinks like her.

Maria sat down next to Ellie, motioned Seth over. “Seth, won’t you be a sweetheart and pour me my usual before you close up?”

“Fuck,” Ellie groaned. 

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you as soon as I finished my own shit. Tommy stormed through the back of my house, screaming my name. Christ, I thought we were all in danger. ”

“You kicking me out of Jackson?” Ellie looked at Maria.

“No, but you need to control your goddamn emotions, Ellie,” Maria whispered as Seth walked over to deliver. Maria downed her shot, “Sheesh, Seth, just me or is this liquor stronger than usual?”

Seth grinned. “Maybe you don’t come often enough,” and caught the wave of a patron.

“He said he wishes Joel left me in the hospital,” Ellie said. “That he’d be alive if it wasn’t for…”

Maria placed her hand on Ellie’s shoulder, squeezed. “Don’t listen to that, Tommy is just fucking... angry. He knows Joel loved you. You were his daughter.”

Ellie winced at the word, unsure of how to respond. She remembered picking up the framed picture of Joel and Sarah. Sometimes, a younger Ellie wondered if she was Sarah’s replacement.

Maria watched as Ellie finished her drink. “Tommy didn’t hit you too hard, did he?”

“No,” Ellie replied dryly. “My bruise will be gone in a couple of days, maybe just in time for Christmas.”

“And I went to Dina’s house, she said the both of you argued over a dirty plate and—” Ellie winced as Maria continued. She couldn't help but feel like a dog that got into some garbage.

“She said I fucking left her and JJ, Maria.” Maria sighed softly and chose not to reply to that. The two women knew the truth and Ellie did leave, as far as Dina and Maria concerned, Ellie left and didn't look back.

Maria waved at Seth, held up two fingers and squeezed Ellie’s shoulder again.

Seth came over, picked up the two glasses and poured Maria and Ellie two cold shots of liquor.

“I’m glad you’re back, Ellie, Jackson ain’t the same without you,” Ellie smiled lightly, not because of what he said, but because of the booze and he looked towards Maria. “You run this town, I’ll close when you say so.”

“I think you’re good to go, Seth! Thank you, you’re a darling.” Maria turned to Ellie, “And you left her house like a bat out of hell.”

“Yeah, how’s her hand?” Ellie scoffed.

“I helped her sew it up, talked her down and suggested the two of you should give each other space."

"Maybe... maybe," Ellie paused. "There was too much space."

"And earlier this evening, the two of you collided into each other like meteorites. All you'll do is burn up in each other's gravity if you rush it like this," Maria reached for her shot glass.

""Goddamn," Ellie whispered.

Maria nudged Ellie out of her train of thought and raised her shot glass. Ellie did the same.

“To waking up and feeling better tomorrow?” Maria suggested.

Ellie laughed and their shot glasses met. “A bad day is only twenty-four hours.”

The two women downed their shots, then walked outside, their shoes crunching the piercing white snow. Maria adjusted her blue coat, smoothed her blonde hair out of her face.

“I just wish you had come to me,” Maria said. 

“I felt bad for throwing up on your floor,” Ellie shrugged her shoulders.

“That’s stupid, Ellie,” Maria said. “Look at me,” Ellie looked up and Maria’s eyes were soft, but stern.

“You’re too old for me to spell it out for you, but I’m here for you. Jackson is here for you. Tommy and Dina? They’re not short of their own issues. Shit, I almost put your gravestone next to Joel’s, but the two of them went against it. We never stopped hoping you’d come back. You belong here.”

Maria embraced Ellie who returned the hug. “You’re family, Ellie. You always will be.” Ellie closed her eyes, squeezing back tears.

“You know, you soften up when you have a few drinks in you,” Ellie laughed. Maria playfully hit her side. Ellie held back a wince and a hiss, her bruise was sore.

“I’m still a stone cold bitch,” Maria smirked. “Now go home and sleep it off, I won’t show up too early.”

“Yes, ma’am,” then Ellie and Maria walked their separate ways.

Notes:

The song Ellie sings to JJ is Under The Bridge by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Give it a listen if you've never heard it, everyone needs to hear that song before they die. Out of all the vinyls that Ellie had, my headcanon is that she had Blood Sugar Sex Magik and and played Under the Bridge often in Jackson to learn how to play it by ear, only to perfect it before she, Dina and JJ left for the farm, not knowing she would eventually leave Dina and JJ for California and end up alone. I'm not crying, *you're* crying. Maybe I'm sobbing.

Sorry for laying the feels and trauma on thick this chapter.

See you next time.

Chapter 3: All I Wanted

Notes:

cw: very brief rape flashback (10 sentences, only describing the start of it)

Wake up early to black and white reruns

 that escaped from my mouth

—Paramore

×

Abby saw the light of the sun through her eyelids and yanked the blanket over her head. She rubbed her feet together beneath the blanket for warmth and whined. She prayed in her head for a few more hours and she drifted back to sleep.

She was running through the woods. Her heart raced as she slipped in between trees. The shadows of leaves and the sunlight that filled the gaps blurred beneath her feet as she ran. She was tackled to the forest floor. She grunted, but it soon turned into a laugh as she was flipped over. Owen’s fingers slid up her shirt.

“Owen, stop,” Abby laughed, feeling his fingers dance up her sides. “I’m ticklish.” Owen kissed her lips and Abby cradled his face. “My dad is going to kill me if I’m laying in poison oak right now.” Owen kissed her neck and she yelped. “What am I gonna tell him?”

“Tell him you fell,” Owen whispered in her ear. Abby shuddered.

Abby squirmed beneath Owen, breathing hard as he kissed her neck, and when her eyes opened, she looked at the light and shadow in motion across the forest as the wind shifted the tree branches back and forth. Owen kissed her again and she kissed him back, throwing her leg over his lower back. They kissed over and over again, Owen bit Abby’s lower lip and she gasped. He squeezed her breasts through her shirt and she sighed.

Owen unbuttoned the top of Abby’s shorts and slid his hand over the seat of her panties.

Abby moaned into her pillow as her hips twisted against the bed, her eyelids fluttering open. 

“Shit,” Abby whispered. She grabbed the edges of the pillow until it cradled her face. Abby let out a muffled scream into her pillow. Seconds later, Abby heard a knock at the door.

“Abby? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, uhm, I’m fine,” Abby called, flinging the blanket off her bed. She heard the doorknob twisting, “Lev, don’t op—” Abby tripped and fell to the floor in an effort to get on her black sweatpants. “Fuuuuuuuck,” Abby moaned.

Lev cracked the door. “Abby? Dina is downstairs. She came with breakfast. Should I tell her you’ll be down in a second?”

“Yeah,” Abby sighed from the floor. Goddamn it.

Lev’s footsteps faded and Abby rolled over, wiggling into her sweatpants. She opened the door and went into the bathroom. When she was done with the toilet, she washed her hands over the sink. She brushed her teeth and when she spat, she remembered spitting blood into the water as she evaded Ellie.

Will there ever be a day where I don’t think of her?

Abby looked in the mirror, stretching until she heard the pop in her shoulders. Ugh, I look a mess.

Abby brushed the sides of her hair and grabbed a red hair tie and pulled her hair into a messy bun, save for a section on the left side to frame her face. She jogged down the stairs, saw Lev and Dina sitting adjacent to each other on the couch.

“Sorry about last night,” Abby said softly, taking a seat on the floor in front of the table and the couch as Dina unwrapped the breakfast, passing Lev and Abby a croissant.

Dina shook her head, shoulder-length black waves framing her face. “You’re okay, I had something come up last night.” Abby looked at Dina’s hand wrapping with concern and curiosity.

Dina closed her hand, a heat blooming underneath the apples of her cheeks. “I just broke a plate and cut myself trying to pick it up.”

Weird energy, but it’s none of my business, Abby thought.

Dina portioned the warm scrambled eggs, an extra croissant onto three plates, one to Lev and one to Abby, the last her own. She pulled out a container of apple juice, pouring a generous amount into the glasses Lev set out. Lev asked for seconds and Dina happily obliged, scooping out more eggs onto his plate. Dina shot Abby a look and Abby finished her apple juice and shook her head.

“Breakfast was great. Where’s JJ?” Abby asked.

“Thanks,” Dina said, a hint of a smile. “He’s with his grandparents,” Dina said. “I needed a few days.”

Abby digested her words, watched her cross her arms in front of her chest, Dina’s eyes tracked to the empty wall across from the couch.

“Patrols found a spare television, a working DVD player and JJ’s grandparents have some type of stand that I think will fit. And I have a bunch of spare movies. I’ll have the boys come through and set it up.”

“Thank you,” Abby replied softly. It was strange to experience Dina in this new way.

“What’s a television? A DV player? A movie?” Lev asked.

Dina grinned, twisting to talk to Lev. She loved explaining Pre-Outbreak stuff to people. “Okay, so before the Outbreak, apparently, all humans used to do is work, then come home and watch movies. Tommy told me they had this thing called WiFee? Wifi, I think. So basically if you had a Wi-Fi connection, you could watch movies and shorter stuff with a click of this bar—They called it a remote.”

“So the television was just a hunk of metal with a glass screen. Does that sound familiar? You probably saw one before. You’d point the remote at the television and Tommy told me you could select what you wanted to watch. Tommy said that was more popular than just DVDs.”

Lev tilted his head. “The DVDs?” Abby laughed.

“Circular pieces of plastic with a movie on it,” Dina drew a circle in the air. “You put the plastic in the holder tray and it would eat it! The movie is like… a story filled with characters that people were playing. It would play across the screen.”

Lev sat back and tried to imagine it.

“One of my favorite movies was 10 Things I Hate About You,” Abby smiled at the memory.

Dina said, “But I’m A Cheerleader was pretty high on my list. I know I have that one, that’s with the guy with the shaggy hair singing to the girl, right? I’ll pass it off to the boys to give it to you,” Dina said.

She’s not a horrible person, Abby thought. She might have tried to kill me, but she's not a piece of shit.

“Thank you,” Abby said with relief. Truth is, Abby found herself bored. Her life had slowed to a monotony since coming to Jackson. The WLF trusted her, she’d volunteer to go out even if it meant her life would be in danger. It was a way to get herself out of her head, even if it drove her further into her head.

Sometimes I can’t help but miss it.

“We’re short on patrols because Faye sprained her ankle and Jordan ate some bad deer meat. Maria wanted me to ask if you and Lev wanted to fill in this weekend. Maria said she thinks Lev is a little young to be running patrols, but… she knows he’d be great at it. It’s up to him.”

I think this is a test.

“Before we run down how this works with you, Maria sent me this morning to tell you and Lev to meet her at her house at 12. You have some time to kill. Get a shower, relax in the mean time. I’ll meet you out in front of Maria’s. You remember where it is, right?”

She and Lev’s eyes met. She noticed his tension, saw the glimmer of fear in his dark brown eyes.

“No,” Abby admitted. Jackson was big and the last time she was at Maria’s, she was in her basement. She never bothered to look back at the home Maria resided in. While trying to get to know the town, she’d become self-conscious. The stares and whispers were unwelcoming and at the first lick of Winter, Abby became reclusive.

Dina rose to her feet. “I’ll meet you here, don’t worry about it.”

Abby walked Dina outside, she tapped at the wood below her with her sneakers. Abby crossed her arms over her chest, covered by nothing but a sports bra and leggings. She shivered.

“Have you seen her yet?” Abby asked.

“Yeah,” Dina replied. “Ellie… According to Maria, she didn’t take it too well that you came here.” Dina looked away from Abby’s stare which was intimidating yet soft all the same.

“I’ll be seeing her today,” Abby said.

“I… Abby, listen, Maria isn’t the type to let anything happen. She vouched for you. And Ellie… Ellie’s in pain. Maria would rather the two of you sit down under her supervision than have the two of you run into each other in Jackson.”

Abby nodded. That could be bad.

“Please don’t,” Dina paused, “Please keep a cool head, no matter what Ellie says. Ellie can say things that come off… vindictive. Maria doesn’t want either of you walking out with more bad blood. Or fighting.”

Abby was silent.

Dina turned to Abby, placed her gloved hands on the woman’s shoulders. Dina looked at a scar below her right shoulder. Looks like a knife wound. Ellie probably did it.

Dina looked back at her blue eyes. She noticing a two scars on the left side of Abby's face, one streaked downward towards the tip of her nose. It was faint. The other seemed more recent and darker, crossing through the older scar, streaking upwards. Dina knew which one she was responsible for.

“She… she left me to go after you again. She couldn’t let go of it..”

Abby shivered again, but it wasn't because of the cold.

“This is your chance to hear each other. I hope Ellie will listen. Go inside, it’s freezing out here.”

Abby came inside and looked at Lev who was watching Dina trudge through the snow.

“Lev, did you shower?”

But Lev was lost. Abby waved her hand in front of his face. “Hello? Are you in there?”

Lev snapped out of it, “What?”

Abby touched his face, her thumb grazing across the scar. “I wanted to know if you showered.”

Lev nodded, “Yes, I woke up before sunrise.”

“Are you okay?” Abby noticed him staring after Dina. I feel bad about that day. Lev saw me kill a lot of people to survive, but never saw me kill to get back at someone. Or try to. I wish he didn’t walk into the room. But if he never did, then I would’ve killed Dina.

“Yes,” Lev said carefully. “Dina is a trustworthy person, right?”

Abby bit her lip. “She’s sweet, but she went with Ellie to find me.” Abby stretched out on the floor. She focused on her left leg, holding her foot firm as she leaned. “She’s trying obviously.”

Lev followed her lead.

“Hold your other leg like this. Lev. You see mine? Do it like that so you don’t strain the muscle in your leg. You should feel a stretch, a little bit of discomfort, but don’t force it and don’t hold it any longer than you can.”

Abby switched to her other leg, Lev followed.

“It’s hard to trust her,” Lev said what Abby was thinking.

“I know,” Abby said, exhaling. She drew her legs inward, pointed at them to demonstrate the position. Abby placed her elbows on her thighs, hands around her ankles. “30 seconds if you can, take a deep breath, lean your weight on your thighs and breathe out as you start to feel the stretch.

“That’s it, Lev, you got it.” Abby shifted to a plank position.

“You don’t have to do this one. It really hurts, but I like it.” Abby glanced at Lev who followed her lead anyway. She laughed. “This one is called a ‘plank’ and it kicks my ass, I’m not gonna lie. We’re gonna try to hold this one for four minutes, but you can back out if it’s too much.”

Abby counted the seconds in her head. Twenty-nine one thousand, thirty one thousand, thirty-one one thousand—

A minute passed. “Okay, one minute,” Abby said. She felt the sting in her core.

Another minute and a half passed. Lev groaned.

“Stay on it, kid,” Abby said through her teeth.  “Just a minute and a half left.”

“Annnnnnd done,” Abby collapsed to the floor, grinning. Lev let go, too.

“My stomach burns,” Lev sighed, looking at Abby who wore pride across her face. “Is this how you built up your body?”

“I did a lot of shit, Lev. Weight-lifting was my drug,” Abby sighed. “But a plank will work your back, your arms, your stomach and your chest. No equipment needed.”

“Drug?”

“Something I couldn’t get enough of.”

Abby peeled herself off the floor. “I worked up a bit of a sweat, so I’ll go shower.” Lev nodded at her.

Abby showered quickly and returned downstairs in a pair of smoke grey leggings, a white tank top with a black hoodie tied around her waist. Lev signaled her to the window from his place on the couch. “It’s snowing again and there’s a man outside the house.”

Abby squinted at the window, not recognizing him because of his ski mask. She saw the rifle on his back when he turned.

“Maria told me that we’d have a patrol outside,” Abby said.

Lev said, “Why does he have a mask?"

Abby flipped her hair down and squeezed it in a towel. “Fuck him and his mask. I hope his face is warm.” Abby scoffed.

“Lev, if you need your clothes washed, I’ll be washing tonight. Just leave them in the laundry room.” Lev nodded, went upstairs to grab his basket full of dirty clothes. Abby walked to the laundry room and threw the towel in her basket.

Abby crashed on the couch, legs stretched out across the seats, reached to grab her journal and then twisted around to look outside the window again.

The patrol was looking right at her through his scope and she rolled off the couch instinctively. She hit the floor and went prone.

“Lev?” She called. “Don’t come down.”

She heard Lev tentatively call her name from the top of the stairs.

“Don’t fucking come down here, Lev!” Abby yelled.

Abby crawled across the floor, her heart pounding. When she reached the back door, she opened it as quietly as she could. She heard the guy’s footsteps walking towards her direction. When he turned the corner, Abby threw her weight at him as hard as she could, his rifle falling in the snow. Abby yelped in pain as he backhanded her, and she grabbed his arms, tried to pin them to the ground as she straddled him.

He threw Abby off of him and Abby scrambled for the gun, yelling as he grabbed her ankle. She kicked at his face with her foot. “Get the fuck off of me, asshole!” The man grabbed her other ankle and yanked her and Abby let out a whimper of panic as she felt herself dragged through the snow.

No, no, no, no, no! N—

The man flipped her on her back.

She heard the voices of many men, jerked as they held her down.

“Get her shirt off,” one said.

“Don’t let her get up,” another laughed.

She felt two pairs of hands, one at either side of her hips. They tore her pants. Abby kicked with her legs, but felt them held down. The coldness of steel from her stomach to her collarbone that went with the cutting of fabric. Abby hyperventilated, squeezed her eyes shut as she froze over.

Her ears rung as the gun went off.

“Get the fuck off of her,” Dina ordered. Abby’s eyes opened as the man removed her weight. Abby panted as she stood up shakily, backing up. Lev stood behind Dina.

Dina aimed her handgun at the man in the mask. “Take it off, motherfucker.” The mask fell from his hand to the snow.

Abby grabbed the rifle, pulled the slide back to see if it was loaded and aimed it at the back of his head. Dina glanced at the man’s face, then Abby’s.

Abby’s chest heaved with rage and grief, underneath it all was shame. Her blue eyes were wide and animalistic. Despite her panic, her grip on the gun was steady. A true soldier.

“Turn the fuck around right now,” Abby snapped.

Dina gestured at the man to do it, shifting her feet. The man turned around and Abby said, “Gabriel?”

Dina yelled, “Stop!” as Gabriel lunged at Abby, but Abby was quick, she pulled the trigger and the man dropped to the ground, blood and brains in the snow. Abby threw the rifle down.

“Fuck,” Dina said, “Shit!”

Lev rushed to Abby’s side and she backed away.

“Lev, please don’t touch me,” Abby said softly. 

Dina sighed, rolling the man over, his curls stained with blood that wasn’t ready to stop flowing. She looked at his wound. A clean shot through the right eye, the orbital cavity destroyed from the force of the bullet, not to mention the close-range. She’s great with her aim. Aiming through the eye was intentional. Goddamn, what am I going to tell Maria?

“Listen, Abby, we’re late," Dina gestured through the fence.

Abby seemed as if she was a world away, staring at the blood-stained snow.

“Abby?”

×

Maria, Tommy, and Ellie looked up as Dina walked through the door. Behind her, Lev walked through and finally Abby.

“Sorry we’re late, we had an issue,” Dina said, clicking the safety on her gun and tossing it to Maria who leaned against the wall. She handed the rifle in her other hand to Tommy, who sat in a recliner.

She glanced at Ellie who sat in the other recliner, but Ellie didn’t see her, she was looking at Abby.

“Gabriel attacked Abby,” Dina explained. “Lev came out the front and pointed to the path around the house. When me and him got back there, Gabriel had Abby pinned. I told him to get off and I walked around to Abby’s side to get the rifle, forced him to take off the mask. He lunged at us, so I shot him with the rifle.”

Abby blinked at the floor. 

“What?” Maria and Tommy said.

“I pointed him out to Abby because we didn’t really see a patrol like that and then I went upstairs to get my laundry. I heard her yell not to come downstairs.” Lev interjected.

“When I looked out again, he was aiming at me,” Abby finished.

Ellie slid her eyes over to Dina, squinting for a moment. At least you’ve gotten better at lying.

“I saw Michael and told him that we needed to clean up a body. They’re taking care of it,” Dina said softly.

Tommy shrugged, “Well, shit, Dina.”

Maria sighed, pinched the bridge of her nose and said, “Abby, Lev, sit down on the couch.”

“We need to talk about what led to Seattle, what happened in Seattle, and finally, Santa Barbara,” Maria looked at Ellie, then back to Abby.

“Understand that nobody in this room is going to lay a finger on another person. There will be no fighting. I understand some of you talk a certain way and I understand some events are deeply wounding. I understand it’s hard to talk about. But we need to listen, we need to feel and we need to move forward.”

Maria traversed between Abby and Ellie, sat down on the pillow by the table. There were notebooks on the table, one open and filled with words. Maria opened a fresh one, wrote something in the top margin, set down her pen and looked at Abby.

“Abigail Anderson, start from the beginning.”

Abby exhaled shakily, meeting Ellie’s icy stare.

Fuck.

Notes:

Still with me? Okay, the author is traumatized, too, if it isn't obvious. I didn't want to jump between characters for this chapter, something about flow and development.

I wanted to play with Abby being weakened in Santa Barbara and post-Santa Barbara. She spent years building up her body only to lose it in months. Devastating. There was something interesting to me about how she wouldn't be as strong as she once was and how vulnerable it made her. And no, I don't hate Abby. Naughty Dog's flip was... genius and I saw the spoilers in June. I found myself conflicted with my love for Abby, saw myself in both characters. There is no loss without grief.

I also cannot forgive myself for naming this chapter after All I Wanted by Paramore and opening it with a dream that Abby has about Owen. Pain.

The initial lyric was, "I think I'll pace my apartment a few times and fall asleep on the couch, wake up early..." I saw Abby doing much of this before Ellie arrives. The alternative and still very relevant lyric was, "I could follow you to the beginning, just to relive the start," to use it as a prelude to the sit down, but realized I couldn't get that far yet.

I told this one with a focus on Abby (because I love Abby) I was stuck on "black and white reruns," and how Abby's dreams can be events on replay, how trauma can feel like events on replay, just different people and places, how Abby cannot change what she's done in the past and how her undoable actions are defined by extremes and how she responds in extremes.

And yes, Abby is the plank queen.

I deeply appreciate every comment, every kudos and I hope you're enjoying the story.

Chapter 4: Error: Operator

Summary:

Abby, Ellie and Tommy revisit the events leading to Joel's demise and fill in the pieces for each other while trying not to break in the process.

Would you do it again, again and count backwards from ten?

—Taking Back Sunday

 

Maria held the pen in her hand, stopping to hit a tape recorder. Abby tracked her eyes away from Ellie who looked angry already, looked at Tommy whose eyes were on the floor, and Dina who sat on a pillow with her knees to her chest across from Maria.

She looked at Lev next to her on the couch. He nodded at her and Abby turned back to Maria.

“My father’s name was Jerry Anderson. He raised me as a Firefly. We were stationed in Salt Lake City. He was the head doctor at St. Mary’s Hospital. He was intelligent, caring and protective and kind to everyone we knew. He never lashed out at me or made me feel like I didn’t matter. I was lucky. There wasn’t anybody who loved me more.”

Maria’s pen glided against the paper, Maria tucked her hair behind her right ear, the ear closest to Abby. Abby tentatively continued.

“I grew up with Owen Moore, Mel and Manny Alavarez. They are all deceased,” Abby inhaled. “Nora, Leah, Jordan, all of us were Fireflies. Nick joined the WLF later.”

Tommy and Abby locked eyes. “I’m sure the last four I named are dead,” Abby said.

“None of you should’ve been involved in the Fireflies’ mess. You were too young.” Maria looked up at Tommy, sighed. She’d heard his story, too.

“That’s the life of a Firefly, you either die or stop looking for the light,” the recliner squeaked as Tommy leaned back in it. Abby opened her mouth like she was going to reply to Tommy, then she mashed her lips together in restraint.

“Keep going, Abby.”

Abby clasped her hands together and squeezed. “My father was the only surgeon and I was his only child. Fifteen years old.” Abby drew in a breath.

“Marlene, our leader, came to us in March 2034, she was excited to see us. I looked up to her. She was strong, smart and strategic.”  

Ellie shifted at the mention of Marlene’s name.

“Marlene was all of those things you said she was, Abby,” Tommy replied. “She was persuasive, demanding, and ruthless at times. She didn’t take shit from nobody. She liked to test people. That woman was hardened and she still believed that we could take back the world from the military and the Infected. I believed it, too, but we lost so many people. We were losing the war and yet she thought we were fighting the good fight.”

Abby stared at Tommy as he stroked his beard.  “It wasn’t worth my life or my friends' lives, dying for a fucking impossible cause. Marlene was relentless. If you starting growing hair on your armpits and if you were willing to die for the Fireflies, you were in. I used to look at her and see a leader. By the time I left, all I saw was delusion and a person who was good at granting a death wish.”

Abby shut her eyes.

“A month later, I was out looking for my father in the forest. I was helping him free a zebra caught in a trap when Owen ran up to us. We freed the zebra and Owen told him everyone was looking for him. Owen,” Abby drew in a sharp breath and directed her eyes at Ellie, “said one of the others found you in the tunnel with an old bite mark on your arm, no signs of infection.”

Ellie was silent as all eyes were on her in the room now.

“I almost drowned. I don’t remember anything.”

Abby carefully continued, refusing to look away from Ellie. “My dad and Marlene argued about you. I listened outside the door. Marlene didn’t want to take your life, not even if it meant millions of lives were saved.”

Abby closed her eyes. “My dad thought it was worth all the sacrifices the Fireflies made.”

“If this was your daughter, what would you do?”  

Abby quietly walked through the door with a plate of food.

“Abby,” Jerry said.

“I brought you some dinner.” Abby walked behind them, the girl’s x-rays on display on the wall behind her.

Jerry said, “Look, Marlene—”

Marlene raised her head, choking back a sob. “Do it.”

“Thank you,” he replied.

Marlene turned to Jerry and said, “I’m gonna go tell Joel.”

Jerry raised his arms partially and asked, “Why?”

“He travelled across the country with her. He has a right to know,” she looked at Abby, then back to Jerry. “Good luck with your surgery.” Marlene ended tightly, looking at Jerry as she left the room.

Abby squeezed her toes in her boots. “That was the first time I heard his name,” Abby inhaled, wetting her lips. “I told my father he was doing the right thing, that if it was me, I’d want him to do the surgery. I knew the weight of the world was on his shoulders.”

“The alarm was sounding off. I had my gun. I didn’t know what was happening. When I got to the operating room, I opened the door and Owen and Manny were there—” Abby’s voice was weakening as she recalled.

“Is he still in the fucking building?”

“Owen, he saw me,” Abby’s voice broke with despair, “He didn’t want me to see my father on the floor in a pool of his own blood, but I did.”

“His face was blue and you were gone.” Abby and Ellie didn’t break eye contact as the tears slid down her cheeks.  

Maria finished her note, closed her eyes and sighed deeply. “Abby, let me get you a glass of water.”

Dina glanced back at Tommy, then at Lev, and finally Ellie. The only sound was Abby trying to hold herself together. Maria passed Abby the cool glass of water, sat back down and when Abby was ready, she drank to her plenty.

“Where did you find Marlene?” Tommy asked.

“In the parking garage with a bullet in her head,” Abby said. “She was shot in her stomach, too. Her arm stretched out like she begged for her life.” Tommy and Ellie both cursed at the same time.

Ellie spoke softly, “You know, I woke up in the back of the car. He told me that there was a whole lot of people like me and it didn’t help. He told me the Fireflies stopped looking for a cure.”

“You were our only chance,” Abby groaned in frustration, wiping tears from her face.

“I made him swear to me outside of Jackson,” Ellie squeezed a handful of her hair at the top of her hand. “Goddamn,” Ellie hissed.

“Swear to me,” Ellie demanded, looking into Joel's eyes, “Swear to me that everything that you said about the Fireflies is true.”

“I swear.” Joel said softly.

“Okay,” Ellie whispered.

“Joel lied to me, Abby.” Ellie’s voice was colored with bitterness.

“Why?” Abby breathed. “Why the hell would he lie?”

Tommy sighed. “I’ll tell you. Maria, you have any whiskey?”

Maria said, “Same place it always is. There’s ice in the freezer.”

Tommy limped to the kitchen, passing through Maria and Ellie, his walking stick clicking on the floor. He paused and looked at Ellie. “Joel,” he said, “He really looked at you like a father would look at daughter.”

The room was tense. Lev squeezed Abby’s hand. Ellie got up, followed Tommy into the kitchen. She poured herself a glass of iced water as Tommy tasted the whiskey, ice clinking in the glass.

“How’s your side?” Tommy asked.

“The bruise is fading,” Ellie replied, rolling her eyes.

“Come on,” Tommy said. “Ladies first.”

As Ellie crossed Tommy, he grabbed her shoulder. He squeezed softly, let go and the two of them took their seats.

Tommy took a long drink from his glass as everyone’s eyes landed on him. He bounced his good leg.

“I kept calling his phone that night,” Tommy cast his eye on the ceiling. “Nobody knew how bad it was, but it was bad. Finally, I called the phone in his daughter’s room. Her name was Sarah.”

Tommy sighed, “Sarah. Goddamn it!” Tommy slammed his open hand on the arm of the recliner. Maria winced, she knew this story. Dina stared at Tommy, waiting for him to go on in anticipation. Ellie did the same.

“Sarah, honey, I need to get your daddy on the phone,” Tommy said, turning the dial to his safe.

“She said, ‘Uncle Tommy, what—what time is it?’ She sounded tired, I knew I woke her up.”

“How do you explain this shit to an 12 year old girl? I had no idea where her father was. I didn’t want to scare her.”

Tommy put the combination in wrong, frustrated, he said, “I need to talk to your dad right now, there’s something bad going on, it’s an emergency! Sarah? Sarah? Shit! Fuck!”

Tommy swished the liquor and ice in his glass. “Dina, can you grab the bottle from the top right cabinet?”

Dina nodded, “Yeah,” and quickly crossed between Abby and Maria, trying to keep a distance from Ellie. Dina and Ellie met eyes as she crossed the room.

Dina returned and opened the partially full bottle of whiskey, filled Tommy’s glass and placed it on the table.

“Thank you, sweetheart. The phone cut out and I was worried. Joel wasn’t answering his calls or his texts and Sarah might have been alone, and I thought, “ he paused, “I thought something happened to Joel. I thought Sarah was in danger. I had to get to them.”

“Texts?” Lev asked.

Tommy shifted in his seat. “I forget that some of y’all kids don’t know what we had back then. A phone was a device to communicate with, and uhm, you could call and when the other person answered the call, you could hear their voice. A text was a written message to another person’s phone.”

Tommy continued, “Joel and Sarah met me outside. Joel had blood all over him, killed his neighbor, his first Infected. I drove, Joel in the passenger, Sarah in the back. Cell phone was out, radio was out. We took route 71.”

Tommy sipped his whiskey. “Sarah was asking questions. ‘Did they say how many were dead? Are we sick?’ She was a smart little girl, straight A’s and B’s in school, great at soccer. She had such a bright future ahead of her had everything been different.”

“Tried to stop for this family on the side of the road, Joel wouldn’t let me—I argued and said they had a kid. Sarah sided with me, ‘We have  room,’ but Joel ordered me to keep driving. Said I ain’t seen what he seen. Every decision was life or death.”

“Everyone took 71 to get out. I didn’t understand what Joel was talking about until I saw a man run up and attack a man who got out of his car. The Runner came after our car and I got us out of there. We were in the city, then, there was so many people running and screaming—You can’t run them over, you can’t drive around them. Me and Joel were arguing. Goddamn, he was such a passenger seat driver.”

“We got hit and the car flipped. I climbed out the top and was fighting them. I saw Joel get attacked by a Runner and I hit it with a brick. Joel helped Sarah get out while I kept watch for any other Infected. I tried to see where the Infected were coming from, there were so many people running. We had to go.”

“Sarah’s leg was injured. Joel gave me his pistol. He told me, ‘Tommy, you keep us safe.’ Everything was going to shit right before our eyes. We cut a street and went into a bar. There was a group of runners on the other side of the door and I was holding the door as hard as I could,” Tommy said, “I never saw my brother so scared, carrying Sarah. I told him to go to the highway. I had to give them a chance. They left and I thought, ‘If I die, then I die.’”

Tommy whistled. “It must have not been my time, see. I was quick. Joel’s gun didn’t have too much ammo. I remember bolting away from the door, throwing over chairs and tables so I could follow ‘em.”

Tommy squeezed his eye shut. “I ran as fast as I could. I should’ve ran faster. Maybe I shouldn’t have held the door back. I could’ve protected them,” Tommy took a deep breath, “He tried to save her. He didn’t succeed.”

“By the time I caught up with Joel and Sarah,” he took a swig from his glass, “I shot the soldier before he could kill my brother.”

“I heard Sarah crying. I was devastated. The sound she made as Joel tried to pick her up—God, there was so much blood.”

“When he looked at me, I knew. The last thing Sarah heard was her daddy saying, ‘I know it hurts, come on, baby, please, I know, baby, I know,’ and she died in his arms. I never saw my brother cry like that. He used to tell me, ‘You were never a father, you don’t understand, Tommy.’ Shit, well, he was right, it made me angry to hear him say that, but he was right.”

Tommy finished his drink. “I lost Sarah, too, but it was different. She wasn’t my child. I miss them,” Tommy admitted, wiping a tear from his eye.

Ellie squeezed her arms around herself.

Tommy set his eye on Ellie. “You weren’t Sarah, but he loved you just like he loved her. There was no difference.”

Ellie covered her mouth with her hand, closing her eyes. “Fuck,” she cried into her hand.

“I went back to the hospital and found out the surgeon died. He followed me, finally told me the truth,” Ellie whispered. “I had my suspicions, but I didn’t get proof until I went back.”

Ellie drew her knees to her chest in the recliner. “I was so angry at him.”

“I was supposed to die in that hospital. My life would’ve fucking mattered," Ellie slammed her fist into the railing. "But you took that from me.”

Joel set down his cup of coffee, “If somehow the Lord gave me a second chance at that moment, I would do it all over again.” He looked into Ellie's eyes. She blinked, trying to register the words he just said to her. There were no regrets in his face.

Abby leaned back into the couch, trying to take steady breaths. She knew nothing of this and it caused shame to permeate through every part of her body.

“I…” Abby started, “I get why he took you.”

Maria shut off the recorder and she turned to Ellie. “Ellie, look at me.”

“No,” Ellie said, turning away, her hair hiding her tears. Maria sighed, exasperated. There was a thrumming ache in the back of her head.  She would rather Ellie cry than get up and try to hurt Abby.

Maria turned back to Abby, pressing play. “From that day forward, you decided to kill Joel.”

“Yes,” Abby whispered. Just feet away, Ellie let out a cry of anguish, muffled by her hands. Maria twisted to observe Ellie, but Ellie didn’t move.

Dina started to get up and Tommy stopped her, holding his hand out. “Don’t.”

“The Fireflies disbanded. We went to go join the WLF. We wanted revenge. I wanted revenge. I trained for it,” Abby said, “And I had a tip that you,” she looked to Tommy, “were here in Wyoming. Issac let me go and I took my crew.”

“I argued with Owen… He was my ex-boyfriend by then. We came for information, to question one of the patrols. He didn’t want to risk our lives, especially Mel’s, he told me she was pregnant that day,” Abby closed her eyes, seeing Mel in a puddle of her own blood. “I went to go do it myself, but ran into a horde in the storm.”

Dina swallowed. “Jesse found me and Ellie, and we split up to find Tommy and Joel.” Ellie closed her eyes, wishing she could’ve stayed there forever with Dina.

Tommy filled in, looking at Abby, “We ran into you, saved your life, told you who we were,” and Abby finished, “I lured the both of you back to the cabin.”

“Smart,” Tommy laughed bitterly. “Had you taken on the both of us, you would’ve died. Goddamn, the way everyone looked at Joel when I introduced him.”

“It wasn’t you I wanted,” Abby breathed in. “Just... Joel. We knocked you out. I shot at his kneecap with a shotgun and I had Mel put a tourniquet on his leg to keep him from bleeding out.”

“You stupid old man—You don’t get to rush this.”

Abby looked at Tommy, then Ellie, “I beat him with the golf club.”  

Abby remembered the sound of the club cutting through air to collide against skin and bone.

Maria asked the hard questions, “Why a golf club?”

“They were just there in the room,” Abby recalled. “Ellie walked in and she sliced Jordan across the face, then Nora and Nick restrained her on the floor.”

“Get the fuck off of me!” Ellie yelled, panting hard on the floor, squirming.

“Manny stopped Jordan from kicking Ellie’s ribs in," Abby recalled.

Ellie let out a scream of rage looking at Abby from the floor, “You’re gonna fucking die!”

“Everyone was arguing. I couldn’t focus. Owen told me I was done, but I didn’t feel like I was then,” Abby stared at her open palms in horror.

“I didn’t feel what I thought I was going to feel,” Abby felt a tear slide down her face.

“You want what I want, right?” Abby stepped to Owen, fury in her steel blue eyes.

“End it. Now.” Owen ordered.

Ellie panted from the floor in panic. “Joel, get up.” More panting, she was hysteric.

“Joel, fucking get up.”

Ellie spoke, her voice was shaking. “I begged you to stop, I begged you to not do it.”

“Joel, please get up,” Ellie begged, looking at the broken man.

“And then you swung one last time,” Ellie felt like her chest was being crushed. “I… my ears started ringing. I couldn’t hear.”

“Your scream,” Abby said, “It was like nothing I ever heard in my life. In the back of my head, I knew that I’d taken someone from you.”  

“Nooooo!” Ellie screamed. She grunted, trying to get up. She started to sob and hyperventilate.

“No,” Ellie cried on the floor, unable to breathe, “No...”

“I’ll fucking kill you,” Ellie threatened through her tears.

Green eyes met blue.

“I’ll fucking kill you.”

 

Notes:

This series is so painful. Initially, I went back and forth between naming the chapter after Taking Back Sunday's I'll Let You Live with the lyrics, "There's no stopping me, I'm gunning you down (Does this make you feel safe?)" and Error: Operator. I went with my first intuitive choice.

There was another issue I had. People have said there was a recording in the first game's hospital climax saying there were other immune people. People who played through the game theorized it was patched out. People were having a mandela effect with this recording and it was driving me crazy.

I personally don't know how to feel about this chapter, it was tough to write emotionally and I worried about getting a few things wrong. I wanted to include Seattle and Santa Barbara, but damn. I convince myself to post without overthinking what I wrote, I almost scrapped the Abby/Owen bit in the last chapter after writing it.

Also, my deepest apologies. I'll give you guys a break on the 6th chapter. Sending you my love. Mentally, I'm in the room as Ellie sings Under the Bridge to JJ.

Chapter 5: Through the Valley

Summary:

Truth and revelation outside of the shadow of Seattle and Santa Barbara.

But I can’t walk on the path of the right because I’m wrong

—Shawn James

“I hunted you,” Ellie said quietly. “I didn’t want to ask you why you killed him, I wanted you dead.”

Abby grimaced.

“All the fucking blood on my hands from Seattle,” Ellie whispered, And what bothered me the most was that it wasn’t yours.”

Ellie removed her gaze from Abby to cast it on Dina.  “Dina came with me because she loved me. She wasn’t in pain like I was.”

“Ellie. You go, I go. End of story.”

Dina squeezed her eyes closed. When Ellie didn’t come back, Dina went over the scenarios in her head often, scenarios where she told Ellie that she was pregnant before reaching Washington, scenarios where she talked Ellie out of it and didn't just blindly go. After all this time, I feel like I enabled her destruction.

Ellie shrugged. “Nobody was going to fucking stop me. Not Tommy. Not Maria. Not you. The only thing that stood between Abby and I was death. And I didn’t plan on fucking dying.”

Dina shot Ellie a look of disappointment, but Ellie shrugged, “It’s the truth, Dina.”

Tommy laughed, the kind of laugh that was filled more bitterness than joy. “When I wrote that note and asked Maria to lock you up, I meant it because I knew. Joel told me—He said, ‘You and Ellie? Two sides of the same goddamn coin. Y’all are reckless and emotional.’ And the thought of burying you next to Joel, I couldn’t take it.”

In Ellie’s laugh, there was a coldness.

Maria shook her head, “Not a lie told.”

Ellie closed her eyes as she recalled, “Day 1 of Seattle, I found the map." Abby’s blood ran cold.

“I grew up in a QZ. I’m not a stranger to navigating them. We opened the gates with a piece of paper that had the codes on it. The Wolves and FEDRA were at war and the Wolves won. There was no one to fight but Infected in Downtown Seattle, just dead Wolves at the Serevena Hotel.”

“I killed everyone in that son of a bitch. And I recognized one of your friends I met in Jackson, what was his name? Nick.” Tommy said. “The fury in me, he wouldn’t beg for his life. He didn’t want to give you up. That’s fine. Had the other one write down the gate code in his own blood.”

All eyes fell on Abby and the conflict in her face.

Dina continued, “Ellie and I rode off to the Eastbrook Elementary School. We ran Shimmer into a trip mine and—”

“Some asshole shot Shimmer out of spite and he knocked me out,” Ellie hissed.

“I got away and tried to find a way into the building. I was walking on the roof and I saw Ellie being held captive,” Dina said.

“I woke up and I was tied to a table. Your friend who recognized me from Jackson tried to interrogate me,” Ellie touched her neck, remembering the kiss of a knife.

“You can’t stop this,” Ellie said.

“Then the asshole who shot Shimmer walked in and they argued. He said Issac wanted all trespassers dead and the motherfucker aimed his gun at me.”

Abby looked away, remembering how she’d spoken to Jordan about going to the school and how Leah would be back. “Fuck,” she mouthed.

Dina went on, “I shot the man who shot Shimmer, I was shot at and the glass broke. I fell through and the Jordan kicked me while I was on the ground. He grabbed me and started choking me.”

“I cut myself free with a shard of the glass. I saved Dina and stabbed him twice in the neck. I searched his body and found a picture of Leah and a letter. We fought our way out of the school, cleared Capitol Hill, and went to the Channel 13 station,” Ellie finished.

“Did you kill Leah, too?” Abby asked sharply.

“No,” Dina and Ellie replied in different tones, Dina's being more pragmatic and Ellie's tone having a hint of regret, like she wish she had.

“Leah was shot with an arrow when we found her. When we got in the station, there were Wolves hung and disemboweled,” Dina said, wincing at the memory. She remembered how the smell of their bodies filled her with fear and dread.

Lev whispered, “Seraphites.”

Abby softened at the sound of Lev’s voice. She blew her breath. Stay calm, Abby. It’s his future that matters. I fucked up the lives of other people. I can’t fuck up his.

“Go on,” Abby said, staring at Ellie.  

“We were chased into the tunnels by the WLF. They caught up with us in a spore filled station. There were Clickers. I distracted them with a bottle I threw in the direction of the Wolves and I escaped with Dina, but we crossed paths with a horde of Infected.”

“Saw you breathe spores,” Dina whispered.

“Stop! I’m not infected, I’m immune. I’m not coughing, do you see? Fuck, Dina. Shit!”

“When we got out the station, there was this theater across the street,” Ellie said, remembering sitting in the empty audience, guitar on her lap, strumming sadly.

“If I ever were to lose you, I’d surely lose myself,” Ellie strummed the guitar, then rested her face on her arm, reuniting with Joel in a memory.

“Your base,” Abby said. When she closed her eyes, she could see herself outside of it and feel the cold rain of Seattle against her skin.

Ellie nodded. “You know that already. That’s where Dina told me she thought she was pregnant and that was the end of the first day in Seattle.”

Ellie’s eyes fell on Dina and Dina was away, locked in a memory.

“I didn’t know, I wasn’t sure, okay? I didn’t want to be a burden—”

“Well, you’re a burden now, aren’t you?” Ellie snapped.

“Dina?” Maria said. “Dina?”

“Huh?” Dina said, raising her head.

“Ellie said she woke up and she found you upstairs, having an episode of morning sickness,” Maria repeated, slightly concerned. Dina tried to recover, “Uhm, yeah, I managed to fix the radio and hear the Wolves’ transmission. Ellie and I tried to figure out where to go next, but I couldn’t come with her, I felt too sick. We thought we found where Tommy was. The radio was talking about a lone male trespasser.”

Tommy shook his head. "Not me."

“Day 2 of Seattle, I went to Hillcrest next. It was swarming with Wolves. I thought I was gonna run into Tommy because I saw this huge explosion, but I ran into Jesse, he stopped me when I was running from the Wolves. He was injured.”

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“Think I’d let you do this on your own?” Jesse replied.

Guilt colored Ellie’s face, “I don’t think I would’ve made it out of there alive if it wasn’t for him. There was so many of them. He had an idea to steal the truck and it wouldn’t start, I was shooting, trying to keep us alive. He was the father of Dina’s child.”

Abby’s stomach churned with shame. I didn’t think twice about pulling the trigger.

Ellie squeezed her hands together and first, it was Jesse’s face as he laid dead on the floor in the lobby of the theater, a flash of anger across her face, then JJ’s face, smiling and beaming, full of hope and life, the anger in her left as quickly as it came.

Ellie continued, “Had a run-in with some Wolves in a truck, I killed them and we crashed, he kicked out the windshield and then we got swarmed by Infected. Jesse knifed one of them that grabbed me through the window as he backed up.”

“We ran the Infected over, but a Clicker was hanging on the front of the car—Jesse was panicking when we were driving through the forest—God, I hate those fuckers, it wouldn’t get off the car and we crashed into some water.”

Maria tapped her pen, then shook her head in frustration. “I couldn’t believe he snuck out. I was pissed. Damn it, Jesse!”

Tommy eyed Maria. “I bet you were, but what did you expect from him?”

Ellie smiled, “He saved my ass out in Hillcrest, grabbed me when the truck was sinking.”

Dina smiled sadly, “No friend left behind.”

“My friends’ problems are my problems,” Jesse said.

Ellie hugged herself. 

“I followed Route 5, hit an apartment building. I was ambushed by WLF deserters—They thought I was a Wolf.  The next building I ended up having to go through was full of Stalkers. One pushed me out of a window and I fell into the water below, went through a tunnel. When I got out, I was next to a park.” Ellie took a deep breath and continued.

“I was shot in the shoulder with an arrow. They weren’t Wolves, they were whistling.”

Lev closed his eyes, “The Seraphites whistled.”

Ellie squinted at Lev, “They were also hanging and disemboweling people, right?”

“Yes,” Lev said, “To free people of their sin.”

“Feel her love, right?” Ellie asked.

Lev nodded.

“Fuck, well, I had to get through them to get to the hospital. There was this Wolf I killed—Stupid, I got the information I needed, I shouldn’t have—” Ellie cut herself off, realizing where her story was headed.

“I killed everyone outside the hospital area and inside the immediate area, crawled through a vent and heard Nora talking about how you escaped.”

Abby swallowed. Nora? She was that close behind me?

“She didn’t see me, I aimed my gun and told her not to scream.”

Ellie stepped carefully with her gun aimed, “You remember me?”

Nora held her hands up.

 “Yeah,” Ellie said. “You remember me.”

“What do you want?” Nora asked, her voice cracking.

“Abby was here earlier. Where’d she go?”

“I don’t know.”

Ellie advanced a few steps.

Nora held her hands up in defense. “You shoot me—The sound will have every soldier come running.”

“You’ll still be dead,” Ellie replied, her eyes cold, the gun aimed at Nora’s face, “Tell me where she went and I’ll think about letting you go.”

“We could’ve killed you,” Nora said.

“Maybe you should have or maybe you should’ve stayed the fuck out of Jackson!” Ellie took two more steps towards Nora. “Where’s Abby?”

“You still hear his screams?” Nora asked, looking away from Ellie.

“What?”

“I hear them every night, yeah…” Nora said, turning to look Ellie in her eyes, “Yeah, that little bitch got what he deserved.”

“You fucking cunt—” Ellie growled, being stopped by Nora who swung a pan at her head and took off running.

“I chased her,” Ellie said, trying to read Abby. “The Wolves chased me, caught up with us and I held her hostage with my gun to her head. I… I pulled us backwards and we fell into this room full of spores.”

Abby's heart thundered behind her chest.

“She ran out the other door. The soldiers followed us down and I set the Clickers off with a bottle and bolted for the door she ran through. I could hear her coughing from the other room.”

Abby felt cold chills running up and down her spine. Goddamn.

“I beat her with a metal pipe until she told me where you were,” Ellie said, looking up at Abby. Dina’s eyes widened in shock.

“May your survival be long,” Nora said to Abby.

“May my death be swift,” Abby replied with a grin, slipping through the door.

Abby felt something inside of her break into pieces as Ellie said, “Nora is dead because of you.”

“Owen and Mel? At the aquarium?” Abby stood up, shaking, from anger or despair, no one knew.

Maria, Lev and Dina jumped to their feet.

Lev grabbed Abby’s arm and tried to pull her back, but she wrenched away. “Don’t fucking touch me, Lev.”

Ellie was silent at first, sitting in the chair.

“I didn’t mean to kill them,” she said.

“You didn’t mean to kill them? Fucking bullshit, this is fucking bullshit—”

Maria held her hand out, “Abby, please—”

“Please what?” Abby yelled. “You want me to fucking sit here while she talks about how she killed my friends?”

“You didn’t have to fucking watch them die,” Ellie snapped, advancing towards Abby. Dina traversed around the table and grabbed Ellie, “Ellie, no—”

“Get the fuck off of me, Dina, I swear to God,” Ellie warned.

“Or what?” Dina whispered, squeezing Ellie’s wrists as she scanned her face. Ellie seethed. “Or what?” Dina repeated louder.

Maria looked back at Dina and Ellie.

“You’re taking up for her? After she killed Joel, after she killed Jesse and almost killed you? You didn’t see the look on her face when she was about to slit your throat.” Eye to eye, Ellie’s words cut like knives.

“You just talk so much shit, Ellie, like your hands are clean—”

“Is this is who you are? Forgiving her, but you won’t forgive me?” Ellie continued.

The sound rang clear in the room, and Ellie fell back, bracing herself on the chair with one hand, holding her face with the other. Dina was shaking, her palm stinging.

“I take that as a yes,” Ellie said, getting to her feet to step to Dina again.

“Ellie, shut up,” Maria commanded. “Dina, back the fuck up right now.”

“Fuck you, Ellie,” Dina hissed. “I was there every time you woke up screaming or crying, bad enough my own child wakes up screaming or crying. You would say her name in your sleep at the farm—Abby, Abby, Abby!”

Abby breathed in sharply at the sound of her name, Lev tried for her arm again and she didn’t snatch it back.

Ellie bared her teeth.

“You’re a fucked up person, Ellie—Seattle fucked you in the head! I watched it happen! And I still didn’t leave you!” Dina shouted in her face.

“Dina, tread carefully,” Ellie warned.

“I watched you take down Infected, I watched you slit people’s throats, I watched you put bullets in their heads after they begged for mercy. You couldn’t fucking stop, not even for me—You’re a fucking cold-blooded killer,” Dina ended in a sob, pacing to the wall, and slumping to her knees.

Ellie was silent.

“But I know when I die, my soul is damned,” Ellie sang as she strummed the guitar, blood in her hair, on her clothes, seeping from open wounds.

Abby spoke up again, her voice trembling, “You killed Owen and Mel—She was pregnant by him.”

“I didn’t know until after,” Ellie said, feeling sick to her stomach. “I didn’t mean to. It happened so fast.”

“You guys can survive this, I just need her,” Ellie said, reaching into her back pocket to pull out the map.

She pointed the gun at Mel, “You, come here.” Mel hesitated and Ellie snapped, “Fucking get over here!”

Mel walked over, her hands still up and Ellie instructed, “Point to where she is on this map.” She pointed the gun at Owen, “And then you—It better fucking match up.”

“Point to where she is,” Ellie demanded, pointing the gun at Mel again. “Fucking point!”

Owen reached for the gun to try and disarm Ellie, she punched him in the face.

“The gun just went off,” Ellie whispered.

“Owen!” Mel screamed, trying to stab Ellie with a knife. Ellie grabbed her hand, disarmed her gun and wrestled with Mel for control. Mel cornered Ellie and tried to lower the knife to her neck.

Ellie and Mel struggled to the floor with the knife, and she softly cried out as Ellie sunk the knife into her neck. Ellie veered to her feet, picking up her gun and pacing over to Owen.

“Tell me where Abby is.” Ellie pointed the gun down at Owen.

Owen pointed at Mel. “She’s…”

Ellie jabbed her gun into Owen’s neck and he choked harder on his blood. “Where the fuck is she?!”

Owen died right before her eyes, unable to form a single word. Ellie backed off, then turned to Mel, walking over to her body. “No, no, no, no, no…”

She knelt down, pushed Mel onto her back and unzipped Mel’s jacket, revealing her stomach.

Her ears started to ring just like before and Ellie whispered, “Oh, fuck.” She collapsed to her knees and said, “Oh, fuck!" Ellie couldn’t breathe.

Tommy said, “She was a wreck when me and Jesse found her.” He was looking at Abby, but Abby's fists were clenched as she stared at the floor.

“I didn’t mean to,” Ellie said, looking at Abby. “I just—Fuck, I just wanted to know where you were.”

Abby couldn’t stop shaking. “W-Why did you come to Santa Barbara, then—” Abby closed her eyes.

“Help me… please,” Abby whispered, then she raised her head as much as she could and opened her eyes, looking at the woman below her. “It’s you.”

Ellie clicked the button on her switch, staring up at Abby.

Ellie went behind Abby and cut her free. Abby weakly got to her feet, staring at Ellie who held her knife. She crossed past her, saying, “Lev,” to the boy tethered to the pole.

She untied him and he dropped to the sand. She touched his shoulder and with the other, she lifted his face to look at him.

“Abby,” he mumbled softly as she pulled the rope from his wrists.

“I got you,” Abby comforted him, lifting the boy from the ground and into her arms, “I got you.”

Abby turned to Ellie, gesturing to her left with her head. “There are boats this way.” She started to walk with the barely conscious boy in her arms.

Ellie followed, struggling to get up over the ledge of land. She was in so much pain from her wound.

Abby walked ahead into the ocean, pausing to look back at the woman behind her who pressed her hand to her side.

Ellie walked into the ocean, stood in front of the second boat as she peeled her backpack off and dropped it inside. She touched her side with a hiss of pain and she looked down at her bloody open palm.

“His face… Joel’s face… the last time I saw him, he was covered in blood,” Ellie whispered, ghosting her hand over her side. An injury long gone.

Ellie looked in Abby’s direction, her palm still open. She turned, walking through the shallow water. She stopped and Abby’s back was to her as she messed with the tether to the boat.

“I can’t let you leave,” Ellie said.

“I’m not doing this,” Abby said as her hands tried to unravel the rope. Her heart started to pound.

The next thing she felt was Ellie grabbing the hair at the crown of her head and her shoulder and pulling her into the water. 

Ellie kicked Abby while she was on her knees in the sea and she fell to her side. As she twisted back over with a groan, she looked up at Ellie, breathing hard, “No.”

Abby started to get up, breathin and looked at Ellie again, “I’m not gonna fight you.”

“Yes, you will,” Ellie said, pulling her mother’s switchblade from her pocket, popping the knife and stalking over to Lev in the boat, holding it at his neck.

Abby stared at Ellie, “He’s not a part of this.”

Ellie’s breathing quickened as she replied, “You made him a part of this.”

Abby rose to her feet, nodding at Ellie. “Okay,” she said, backing up, “Okay.” Ellie moved away from Lev, switchblade still in hand.

Abby rushed at Ellie and tackled her into the water, pinning Ellie’s wrist to the ground and with her other hand, Abby pressed her head down. Ellie struggled and pushed at Abby with her legs. Ellie bested Abby and swiped at her face with her switchblade and Abby screamed, backing up.

She touched her face and looked at her bloody fingers and groaned, “Fuck.”

“You cut my face,” Abby traced the scar on the left side of her face. 

Ellie advanced on Abby with the knife and swung wildly, the blade sliced Abby’s arms. Abby threw a punch at Ellie and Ellie slid in, growling, driving the knife into Abby’s shoulder as she groaned in pain.

Abby held onto Ellie’s wrist only for her to rip the knife from her skin and slash her across the stomach.

Startled, Abby choked out a cry and fell back into the water. Abby got up again and when Ellie closed distance, she swung, hitting Ellie in the face, making her stumble back.

Ellie tried to close in to swing and Abby stopped her arm, tried to disarm her again, but Ellie maneuvered behind Abby and tried to force the blade into her neck. Abby twisted them both and they fell into the water. Ellie turned and quickly tried to stab Abby in the chest, but she moved.

Ellie placed her knee on Abby’s stomach and tried to plunge the knife into Abby’s chest. As the knife pierced through her skin, Abby screamed, her scream growing louder and more desperate as she squeezed Ellie’s tattooed arm, pushing back and up to get the knife out of her chest.

She smacked Ellie’s blade out of her hand and it fell into the water, then slapped Ellie as hard as she could, then kicking her in the stomach to apply distance between them.

Now, the fight was fair.

Ellie rolled in the water, coughed, moaning as she got to her feet as her side throbbed. Abby closed in, swinging at Ellie, punching her in the face so hard she almost fell. Ellie recovered and the two women traded blows, both of them grunting and yelping when the other managed to hurt the other. Abby’s face leaked with blood that dripped into the shallow water.

Ellie struck Abby so hard, she saw her vision blur and she fell into the water. She blinked at the water on her hands and knees, trying to fight the stun.

Ellie advanced on Abby in the water and Abby held up her hand, sobbing. “No… no…”

Ellie kicked her and she fell onto her back. She pinned her down in the water and Abby grunted, spitting out water as she fought for control.

Ellie forced Abby’s head down into the water with her left hand and Abby bit down on her last two fingers, forcing herself up in the water as Ellie screamed in agony, feeling them rip from her hand. Ellie punched Abby twice in the face with her other hand, knocking her back in the water.

Ellie forced Abby back down into the water, pushing her shoulders. The blood from Ellie’s fingers pooled over Abby’s face. Abby grunted from underneath the water as Ellie panted over her as Abby tried to remove her arms. Abby raised her lower body and Ellie used her knee to hold her down.

Ellie screamed as she held Abby down, the rage and grief filling her entirely. Abby smacked Ellie’s arm, her legs thrashing as the water filled her lungs. The gurgling of water from Abby, then the image of Joel on his porch, guitar in hand, his eyes welcoming, understanding, forgiving—

Ellie let go of Abby with a shrill scream. Abby got on her hands and knees, crawling backwards, coughing out water. Abby struggled to her knees as Ellie sat in the water, breathing hard. Abby walked around Ellie, staring at the woman full of grief in the water.

“Go,” Ellie wept as she held what was left of her fingers. “Just take him.”

Ellie looked on, crying as Abby departed with Lev. Abby glanced back at Ellie one last time and then she faded into the fog.

“I saw him as I was drowning you,” Ellie said, “The night before he died.”

“If somehow the Lord gave me a second chance, at that moment, I would do it all over again,” Joel said.

“It was our last conversation.” Ellie wrapped her arms around herself.

“Yeah… I just... I don’t think I can ever forgive you for that, but I would like to try.”

Maria bit her lip. Tommy cursed softly. Dina sat against the wall and tried to imagine Ellie letting go of Abby. Abby looked to Lev, her hand intertwining with his. The pain of the women recalling their fight and the weight of Ellie’s words to Joel were thick in the air.

Abby looked to Ellie, taking a deep breath, “You let me save him again by sparing me. Thank you.”

Ellie looked at the woman, but didn’t speak, she just nodded.

You’re welcome.

 

Notes:

The author is dying repeatedly on Survivor+ and stepped away from this fic for a day or two. I can't explain how many times I watched the final Ellie and Abby fight and I still feel like I could've wrote it better. I can't tell you how many times I played the Owen and Mel death scene. To be fair, insomnia. It didn't feel realistic for Abby to get the chance to tell her side of Seattle, not with these intense reveals. I didn't want Tommy to talk about his side of Seattle either, I'm holding out for Tommy DLC. :* I haven't given myself the chance to properly proofread this chapter and I just don't want to fall into the trap of scrapping it when I wake up. Just rock with me for now and if you see this chapter disappear, I'm editing.

This chapter is named after the song Ellie sings in the reveal trailer if you remember. Nothing felt more fitting. There is actually a full version of Ashley Johnson's/Ellie's cover of Through the Valley on YouTube where she sings, "But I know when I die my soul is damned." Still goosebump inducing. I have to take a nap. Forgive me for any errors and enjoy your day!

Chapter 6: Are You In?

 It’s so much better when everyone is in, are you in?

—Incubus

“Please… help me,” Abby whispered, her shoulders aching because of the way she was tied.

In front of her, tethered to poles were Owen, Mel, Yara and Lev, weakened and malnourished.

She saw the woman in front of her. “It’s you.”

Ellie looked at her with her switchblade in hand. She cut her down. Abby fell to the ground and struggled to get up. Ellie kicked her onto her back.

Yara wept, “Abby, get up.”

“Please, no, I have to save them,” Abby begged, holding her hand up.

Ellie thrust her switchblade into Abby’s stomach, then pulled the knife and Abby screamed, her voice high and piercing as she felt her insides spill outside.

Abby woke up in a cold sweat. Her comforter was on the floor. She tried to steady her breathing as the dream flooded back to her.

“Fuck,” Abby whispered to herself, rubbing her eyes.

The Winter Solstice sun rose above the horizon and Abby spent the morning, cleaning and doing laundry for herself and Lev. She tried to sort through her feelings about Ellie. In the back of her head, she always knew the woman killed Mel and Owen. It was something she denied after the theater, seeing that multiple people from Jackson were there.

The less she knew, the better and with Lev sitting in front of her, she tried to let it go. It was better if she let it go. The fear in Lev’s eyes as he said her name as she was about to do what she’s always done—Murder.

Ellie was looking for me. Owen, Mel and her baby are dead because of me. I couldn’t fucking protect them because I left go to get Lev.

Abby remembered what it was like to go back to the aquarium after the theater. She sat over Mel’s body and thought about their last interaction.

“He may fall for your little act with these kids, but I don’t,” Mel said.

“What?” Abby asked, feeling the disdain in Mel’s eyes and her words. “There’s nothing to fall for.”

Mel continued, “Issac’s top Scar killer suddenly had a change of heart? Nothing to do with Owen, right?”

“I haven’t always done the right thing—” Abby responded softly. Inside her, Guilt was clawing its way out as she tried to speak.

Guilt had razor sharp teeth that chewed everything she fed it. Guilt had eyes that saw every sin she committed and her willingness to commit those sins. Guilt saw every smile. Guilt had ears that heard every thought, insult and threat from Abby.

Guilt heard all of the screams of pain, agony and shock. Guilt heard last words from people she murdered, their pleas for mercy. Last but not least, Guilt had a mouth that wanted to scream out all of her transgressions.

Just briefly, Guilt had kicked her in the stomach harder than Mel’s child would ever kick her. Does she know I slept with Owen? And it was enough for her to want to admit it and beg for forgiveness.

“You’re a piece of shit, Abby.” Mel said, her words like a machete, cutting her open so Guilt could roam free. “You always have been,” Mel softly said as Abby looked away from her, but it didn’t cushion the blow.

When Abby was looking away from her, she was thinking of Owen behind her and how she felt when he slid inside of her.

“I’m done with you.” Mel said, shouldering her bag to walk away. She paused, turning to look back at Abby.

“You wanna do right by these kids? Get out of their lives before you screw them over, too.” Mel walked away, disappearing through a door.

Abby turned to the view of plants in front of her, plants encased in water where they could only grow so much and so far, then she kicked a chair out of frustration and turned back to the trapped plants, whispering, “Fuck,” and started to cry.

And over Mel’s body, she cried and confessed to her sins, saying that Mel was right about her being a piece of shit, that she fucked Owen, but she would never ever screw Lev and Yara over.

Before Abby put Mel’s body in the water, she palmed her bare belly, wondered if there was a God for the millionth time, cried and asked Him to look after the unborn child. Then she wondered if she could be pregnant as the water carried Mel and her unborn child away.

Abby had seen more blood from other people than she had of herself.

After all, her period was irregular and when her father gave her the Talk, he said that a lack of food in the ongoing aftermath of the Outbreak made it more difficult for women to conceive. Her father said it was important for women and men to repopulate as the Outbreak could mean extinction. The Fireflies were big on that, too.

Not much scared the shit out of Abby, but the thought of taking care of two children did and it was as formidable as being thousands of feet in the air and falling to her death. It gave her more of a reason to follow Owen’s lead.

Abby threw down the broom and ran her hand through her long, dirty blonde hair. “Fuck, Mel loved Christmas.”

Her thoughts went to Owen and how she sobbed over his corpse. It took her an hour to find the strength to pick up his body. When she laid him down on the sand, she kissed his forehead, his cheeks and his blue lips. He was so cold. She was grateful his face didn’t have a bullet wound in it.

She curled up next to his body on the sand, threw her arm over him and rested her head on his shoulder, murmuring confessions and apologies.

“I got Lev, but Yara died. She was already going to die because a Wolf shot her, then she killed Issac and they opened fire on her. she saved us, gave me and Lev an opening to run. And I killed so many of Wolves, so many Scars trying to get me and Lev out alive,” Abby breathed in sharply, trying to quell a sob.

“I’m going to Santa Barbara,” she vowed to him as she closed his eyes and smoothed back his hair, “I’m gonna find the Fireflies.”

She sobbed as she picked up his body, waded into the water barefoot. It lapped at her shins as she went further. She walked further into the water where it covered her stomach. Abby lowered him into the waves.

“We’re allowed to be happy,” she repeated his words, letting him go.

Lev came down the stairs and saw Abby leaning against the kitchen counter, her back to him. The broom was on the floor with a pile of dust and dirt inches from Abby’s feet.

“Abby?” Lev softly said. She didn’t respond. “Abby?” He tried louder. No response. Finally, Lev walked over to Abby, grabbed her wrist, noticed her squeezing the counter hard, and she snapped back.

“Huh?” Abby braced herself on the counter. “Fuck, Lev, I’m sorry, I was just thinking.”

“About what?” Lev asked.

“Owen and Mel, their child. I was thinking about you and Yara,” she sighed Yara’s name. Lev didn’t let go of Abby’s wrist and led her to the couch. Dina followed through on her promise and the dresser, television, and a stack of DVDs made the place feel less empty.

“I miss them, too,” Lev whispered. “If I didn’t leave for the island, I could’ve—”

Abby grabbed Lev and squeezed his shoulders, her face close to his. “No, no, no, Lev, no—Their deaths aren’t because of you. You know what happened and it caught up with me. It was my responsibility to protect all of you from what I did. I don’t blame you for leaving. Please don’t blame yourself.”

Truth is, had everyone been there and if Ellie came anyway, she may have given herself up to her on the conditions she didn’t hurt any of them. Or maybe she would’ve killed Ellie. Abby used to think about both scenarios.

Abby rose from the couch. “Dina is coming through to pick us up for patrol. Are you sure you want to come? I can go by myself.”

Lev nodded, the ghost of a smile on his face. “Yes.”

“Okay, wait here, I’ll go shower,” Abby said, ruffling his hair. “You need a haircut, kid.”

×

Ellie sighed as she stepped out of the steaming bathroom, squeezing the towel around her dark, auburn strands. She looked at the clock. A quarter to 10. She was ruminating over the sit down since it happened. Dina left without a word to anybody and slammed Maria’s door on the way out.

When Maria looked at Ellie, Ellie said, “I don’t want to talk about this shit anymore. I’m going home.”

Maria sighed. “Alright, I won’t stop you. Tommy, walk Ellie home.”

Ellie got dressed, pulling on a pair of grey underwear, and over them, a pair of black skinny jeans. They gapped a little at her waist. She pulled a white tank over her breasts and stomach. Finally, she donned a grey long sleeve. She grabbed and adorned herself with her leather jacket and gloves, then heard a knock at the door.

She unlocked it, opened it to Tommy.

Tommy said, “I have some breakfast for you inside.”

Ellie shrugged, “I’m not hungry.”

“That don’t mean starve, Ellie, let me do something nice for you,” Tommy said and Ellie rolled her eyes and followed him out. Tommy took over Joel’s house since he and Maria divorced.

Ellie walked through the door and noticed Tommy didn’t change much. She almost wished he had.

She sat down at the table and Tommy put the plate of food down in front of her, then sat down with his. Sunny side up eggs with bacon and some homemade bread.

Tommy and Ellie finished eating. Tommy sipped at his coffee while Ellie drank a glass of water.

“Since when do you drink coffee?” Ellie asked.

“Well,” Tommy started, glimpsing at the coffee, “Maria’s booze guys know a guy who grows coffee plants in Colorado and uh, we’ve had a steady supply of coffee grinds ever since. The smell reminds me of Joel, so I keep a decent amount in the pantry. It ain’t too bad with some milk.”

Ellie nodded. She smelled the coffee as soon as she’d came in and thought of Joel. He would’ve loved that.

“Dina, Abby and Lev are going on patrol today, maybe they left already by now.”

“Seems like they’re getting along great,” Ellie mumbled, cracking her knuckles.

“Dina’s just trying to do the right thing and we could use the extra help. The girl hasn’t given us any trouble since coming here a few months back. People in Jackson are still scared of her and those who aren’t scared, well, they hate her guts. Hadn’t seen much of her since it started getting colder, people say she’s the Lone Wolf.”

Tommy took a long sip of his coffee as Ellie said nothing.

Finally, Ellie said, “I’m glad she hasn’t given Jackson trouble.”

Tommy laughed, “Look at you, finding something nice to say. I take it you haven’t made up with Dina.”

Ellie shook her head.

“Dina doesn’t understand,” said Tommy. “You know, when you were M.I.A., she told me that your excuse to go to the hospital where Nora was at, she said you used me as an excuse. But she knew why you were going. She knew you were gonna kill Nora and God knows whoever else to find Abby.”

“Oh, yeah?” Ellie said, “I guess Dina thinks she knows everything that goes through my head.”

“No, no, no, no, Ellie, you admitted to it the other day. You said you were hunting Abby. She even lied to Jesse about her pregnancy so you had more time. And I get it, I would’ve done the same goddamn thing. I mean, I was doing the same thing, I was hunting Abby, too.” Tommy rose from his chair and walked over to his coffee maker, pouring more coffee in his cup.

He returned to the table, “And you have to realize that Dina isn’t like us. Now, you spilled a lot of blood you can’t clean. Now, you’re haunted. Even though Dina has spilled blood, too, it was for different reasons. She did what she did to help you. She killed for you.”

Ellie crossed her arms and leaned back in the chair. “So, what are you saying? That I didn’t kill for Joel?”

“Nah, Ellie. You killed for Joel. She just can’t see you. Yeah, you changed, but it’s not just that—Dina looks at you different. How many times did she see you kill somebody out in Seattle?”

Ellie pulled her long sleeve over her wrist. “Too many to count.”

“And when she couldn’t come with you, every time you came back, you had blood on you, whether it was yours or somebody else’s, it don’t fucking matter, that right?”

“Yeah,” Ellie said quietly.

“Did she know you beat that girl in the hospital with a pipe until she talked before this week?”

“No, I never told her how I made her talk,” Ellie answered bleakly. “She knew it fucked me up.”

“I don’t wanna lose you,” Ellie whispered.

“Now, see, you kept it from her, but she already saw enough. When Maria and I were together, I was transparent about the things I’d done. If we’re being honest, I told her, ‘I’d do it again if I had to.’”

Tommy set his hands on the table. “When somebody begs for mercy and you don’t fucking give it to them—You pull that trigger and you realize that killing’s become a way to cope. That’s when you realize you died. Then you can’t live with it, knowing you lived that way, knowing you needed it. Maria accepted that shit.”

“Fuck,” Ellie breathed out. “Fuck.”

“And I still love Maria. I won’t lie to you, Ellie, there were times where I limped to her house, begging on my goddamn hands and knees for her to take me back. ‘I’ll do right this time, I’ll let the Abby shit go,’ and when Abby came here, I tried. I’m still trying,” Tommy squeezed his hand into a fist.

“Man, I’d be lying if I didn’t say for those first couple of weeks, I daydreamed about going to her house and standing over her bed until she woke up, the last thing she would hear is me speaking my brother’s name, last thing she’d feel is a knife in her goddamn chest,” Tommy whispered.

Ellie sniffled and adjusted her hair over her shoulders.

“Years and years ago, Maria took me as I am when I came to Jackson, but she couldn’t deal with my guilt, my obsession, my need to hunt. She hated what it made me, what it took from me,” he gestured to his eyes, then he pointed at her missing fingers. “I was a killer again.”

“Dina killed because she had to, Maria killed because she had to, Jesse killed because he had to, but you and I?” Ellie was looking at him in the eye. “We killed because we wanted to and if there’s a God, then that’s the worst goddamn sin a human being can commit in a world like this. There’s only so many of us left.”

“I don’t sleep. I don’t eat… I’m… I’m not like you, Dina.” Ellie whispered as Dina stood across from her.

“I love Dina,” Ellie’s voice cracked.

“But killers belong with killers.”

×

Abby, Dina and Lev reached the outpost and strung up their horses. It was an old building, the paint faded and dull on the walls, deteriorating slowly with cracks and holes, giving view to the foundation beneath.

Abby pet her horse, a black stallion whose name was Diablo. He didn’t belong to anybody yet. Back at the stable, Dina said that he didn’t want to, he was a wild one they’d found last Spring.

Abby could’ve pissed herself when she mounted Diablo and the stallion snorted unhappily, shook his head and kicked his back legs, then took Abby in a few circles outside the gate. She ended up coaxing the horse gently, leaning forward and massaging his neck.

“See, I’m not that bad,” she whispered to Diablo after tying him up, smiling as the horse closed its blue eyes.  

“I’m surprised he didn’t get pissed and throw you off yet,” Dina remarked, stringing up Mercy, a golden horse with a white mane and tail. She gave Mercy a kiss and she huffed.

“Me, too,” Abby laughed. She looked over at Lev, “Let me help you out, kid." She walked away from Diablo over to Lev. The blood bay’s horse was named Hero. When Lev wasn’t with Abby, sometimes he went to go hang out with the horses and Hero took a a liking to Lev, something Abby noticed when the horse was vocal and licked Lev’s face.

“Abby, sign us in?”  

Abby walked over and picked up the pen, she curiously flipped a few pages back and noted Gabriel ran this route with Dina. She shook her head, flipped back to the present, signing 12-23-2040, Abigail Anderson.

“Alright, there’s two buildings that Maria wanted us to check today. We have to go back in the hardware store and go through the stock to look for a few flashlights, as many as we can bring back, the other one is a convenience store need to be cleared, scavenged, the works.”

Fairly easy, Abby adjusted her gear. Maria had given back Abby her guns, but she decided on the shotgun instead of the rifle and took her pistol. Lev went with his bow and arrow, but carried his pistol just in case.

They went for the flashlights first. The stock door was locked and Dina pulled out her lock pick. Lev walked around the shop, looking at the faded labels, picking up destroyed items.

“Who taught you how to pick?” Abby asked, leaning back on the counter.

“My sister,” Dina replied, carefully adjusting her tools, “She could pick a lock in seconds. She was just gifted. It takes me a little longer to do so—Oh, fuck, I got it! She’d be proud of me, that’s a new record.” Dina cracked open the door. “We’re in,” she gestured with her head.

Dina led them down the stairs, their flashlights on and Dina coughed, “Ew, is that—” Abby walked ahead down the aisle, shined the flashlight around the corner, then the other, landing on a skeleton in clothes.

Abby walked over, sighed as she saw the blood stain on the wall, a entry wound on the skull’s temple and of course, the smell of death in a room without ventilation.

She picked up a note and read aloud,

5-18-2035

I barricaded myself in the stockroom, found the keys in the drawer. We were just looking for food, didn’t eat in three days. I left behind McKayla. She got bit as we were running from a group of Runners.  I still hear her screams as the Runners fed on her, she screamed my name. I can’t face her sisters and I’m scared to leave. It’s better that they think we're dead. I loved her and I was supposed to protect her. I promised. I only have one bullet left and I’ll make it worth my while. At least I won’t be living a lie.

Abby set the note down, “Goddamn.”

Dina sighed, tapping her rifle against the floor, “You know, it really sucks when someone just doesn’t come back.”

Lev said, “I wonder if her sisters made it out.”

Abby shined her light above her, eying a series of boxes on a shelf.

“Not everyone does,” she said, sticking the flashlight in her mouth and reaching up on her tippy toes to grab the box. She got a good grip on the box lowered it to the floor and began to sift through it.

Dina and Lev went through a series of boxes as Abby walked around, pulling off more boxes off the shelf. She was bored and she thought, What supply run isn’t boring?

“Found a brand new toolkit and a set of 1,200 assorted screws,” Abby called.

“Good, grab it. I’m sure Maria will find a use for that,” Dina replied.

Abby loaded up her bag and walked over, struggling with a box that would’ve been so easy for her before Santa Barbara. She dropped it on the floor, sighing. My fucking neck.

“Score,” Abby grinned, shining her light on the USB flashlights as Dina and Lev looked in. “USB included.”

“Perrrrrrrrfect,” Dina said, rolling her r’s as she loaded up her bag. “Try to fit five, but don’t beat yourself up about it if you can’t. Besides, we got one more store to hit.”

Dina, Abby and Lev went upstairs and Dina locked the door again. “Such a fucking goldmine.”

“Where’s the other store?” Abby asked.

“Two streets up, but we’re gonna climb up the building next to it, there’s an entrance on the ceiling.”

Abby and Lev jogged besides Dina outside of the store and Dina linked her hands and kneeled below the ladder. She nodded at Lev, “Hit the ladder latch?”

Dina boosted Lev and he climbed the ladder and disappeared out of sight. Lev squeezed the rusted latch between his gloved hands and pulled as Abby and Dina waited in the alleyway.

Lev peeked over the building. He shook his head.

“Fuck, it’s not budging.” Dina motioned for Lev to come back down the ladder and he steadied his legs, let go and landed on his feet gracefully.

“Nice one, Lev, I would’ve fallen on my ass,” Dina observed.

“Thank you,” Lev rubbed the back of his head, sheepishly.

“Alright, follow me,” Dina gestured with her hand.

The trio crossed around to the back of the building and Dina hopped the metal fence first, then Lev and finally, Abby.

They walked until they saw a backdoor and a window. Dina tried the backdoor and sighed, dropping her backpack on the floor. She messed with the lock pick for a few minutes until she heard the mechanics give. She rose and twisted the doorknob, shining her flashlight in.

“It’s clear so far.”

Abby and Lev followed Dina into the room and Dina pulled open drawers.

“Fucking empty,” Dina whispered. Dina opened the next door, walked into the hallway, shining her light at either end. She caught of glimpse of something moving in the dark and squinted.

Abby and Lev followed. Abby asked, “Did you see something?” Abby turned to shine her light behind her, but it was nothing but the end of the hallway.

Dina sounded unsure. “It looked like an animal.” She paced forward anyway. She shone her light up above where the ceiling had a gaping hole in it and walked further towards the stairway.

Dina paced down ten stairs, turned back towards Abby and Lev, put her flashlight under her face and mouthed, “Infected.” Dina switched to her chest-light. The two women readied their guns.

The double doors were open and the clicking got louder the closer they got to the doors. The three of them stuck close to the left wall, but Dina crept closer and from the under the stairway, a Stalker lunged out of the dark and pinned her to the floor. Dina struggled as the Stalker shrieked in her face.

Abby wrestled the Stalker off of Dina and pulled it backwards as Dina scrambled to her feet back towards the stairway.

They heard about three or four simultaneous croaks followed by shrieks and quickening footsteps in the direction of their noise.

“We got fucking company!” Abby hissed, trying to hold the Stalker back, her arms around its torso. The thing had started to get agitated.

When the first Clicker came through the door, Abby pushed the Stalker at it and it bit its own. Lev shot that one with an arrow, straight through its head.

The second Clicker came quickly behind the first swung wildly at Abby and Dina grabbed it from behind, putting a shiv in its neck and the Clicker squealed. Abby shot the last, two bullets in his deformed face, squealing as it went down.

All three looked up as heard heavy footsteps and deep groans.

“We can’t fight that in here, move forward!” Abby commanded as she passed them through the door.

Abby clicked on her chestlight as Dina and Lev flanked the other side. Abby slid over a countertop and stepped on glass. Shit.

The Bloater charged in her direction and Abby burst into a run, circling around the beast as she pulled out her shotgun. Abby shot twice and side-stepped and from the other side, Lev shot his pistol and Dina shot her rifle.

“Move!” Dina grabbed Lev as the Bloater turned and threw a bomb of gas in their direction. It exploded and the two of them coughed.

“You son of a bitch!” Abby yelled, shooting the beast again, gritting her teeth as her gun recoiled in her hand. She burst into a run again, reloading and panting hard as she forced herself to move as the Bloater charged at her again.

Dina across the room to Abby’s 2 o’clock, lit a Molotov cocktail, Lev covering her with his pistol. She pumped her shotgun as the Bloater charged at her, roaring, shot again and then dove out of the way as the Bloater knocked a shelf to the floor.

Dina passed Lev her rifle and yelled, “Shoot it in the head!” Dina sprinted to the other side of the room, slid to a stop and lit her Molotov, tossing it at the Bloater and the Bloater ignited, roaring louder. Lev shot the rifle.

“We’re gonna have a lot more Infected to kill if this motherfucker doesn’t shut the fuck up!” Abby snapped. “Fuck it, Lev, tell me you got those explosive arrows on you!”

The beast on fire stumbled in the direction of Lev whose back was turned, aiming at a Stalker he caught in his peripheral. The Stalker dropped.

“Come on, motherfucker, eyes on me!” Abby yelled, running in front of the Bloater, shooting at point blank range.

“Yeah, but you won’t like how I use them,” yelled Lev, switching to his bow and pulling the arrow back as a group of four shrieking Clickers ran in from the other door. As the explosive arrow hit, the Clickers exploded, blood, arms and legs being thrown across the room.

“That’s it, kid, you got it!” Abby screamed, pumping her shotgun again and sliding to the floor on her back, shooting the Bloater and recovering to her feet.

Dina aimed at the Bloater’s head with her pistol, the bullet lodging itself in one of its sacs. The Bloater groaned, faltering temporarily.

Abby, Lev and Dina heard a group of runners, growling and screaming as they thundered through the door at the opposite end of the room.

“Fuck this, we gotta move!” Dina yelled. Lev sprinted through the door first, he was the quickest, passing Abby as Abby shot at the Bloater who stumbled towards them again. Abby went next and Dina followed, throwing another Molotov past the door’s entrance.

The three of them ran up the stairs, panting hard, the sounds of Infected not far behind. They went out the way they came and Abby slammed the first door, locking it as the footsteps grew louder in the hallway and ran behind Dina and Lev.

As soon as they hopped the fence, they slowed down to a walk, then stopped and caught their breath in the alley.

“Are you guys good?” Dina asked as she sat her bag down.

Both Lev and Abby answered, “No.”

Lev panted, setting his bag down. “Fuck, I never saw that kind. Does it die?”

“Hard to kill,” Dina said, reloading her pistol. “That one will break your spine if you grabs you.”

Abby breathed hard, head back against the brick wall, “I fucking hate that type of Infected.”

“You have ones you like?” Dina joked, looking at Abby over her shoulder as she braced herself against the wall.

“Yeah, the freakshow I took down by myself in the Seattle ICU was my favorite,” Abby said, peeling herself off the wall.

“What?” Dina cocked her head at Abby, who tried to hide her smile.

“You’re gonna tell me I’m full of shit.”

“Abby, tell her,” Lev breathed out, picking up her bag.

“Okay,” Abby said, looking at Dina, “Once we’re closer to Jackson.”

Back at the outpost, Dina and Lev mounted Mercy and Hero and watched as Abby fussed with Diablo. Lev was laughing as Abby looked at the horse.

Dina sat her backpack between her legs, fished out a a quarter of an apple from a paper bag. “Abby, here,” she said, tossing it and Abby caught it.

Abby dangled the apple slice in front of Diablo. Diablo nudged Abby and Abby held up her other hand, “Alright, you’re gonna let me ride you back, Diablo,” and fed the stallion.

Diablo finished munching on the apple and Abby braced her hands on the horse, foot in the stirrup. Abby lifted herself up as the horse swished its tail.

The three rode out, the Winter Solstice sun high in the air, peeking from behind the clouds.

“You’re a great shot, Abby, and you’re bold—Fearless.” Dina remarked as the three navigated a field. “You, too, Lev, killing all those Clickers with an explosive arrow. I’m impressed and I know Maria and Tommy will feel the same.”

“Gotta be,” Abby nodded, looking to Lev who rode at her left-hand side. He was smiling.

She looked to Dina after a calm minute of riding. “Why did you lie to Maria?”

Dina’s eyes softened, “You know, I had no clue what happened between you and Ellie in Santa Barbara. I didn’t want to cause any more issues. It was better that way. Sometimes you lie to keep the people you love safe.”

People you love?

Abby nodded, her eyes tracking across the open field, the icy wind cutting at her skin through her clothes.

“I had to beg Maria to do this run with the both of you, to swap Gabriel out,” Dina continued. “She was pissed. But Maria forgot to tell him he was gonna take you both on patrol.”

“Thank you,” Abby sighed. Missed his chance to kill us both outside of Jackson, thanks to Maria.

“We’re about fifteen minutes out of Jackson, tell me about that freakshow Infected,” Dina smirked at Abby.

Abby groaned. “Haven’t you had enough of them today?”

“What’s wrong with me asking a question?” Dina said coyly. Abby looked at Dina from the corner of her eye and wondered what she really thought of her.

“I left Lev hiding outside the hospital. I had to get surgical supplies for Yara, Lev’s sister, she had compartment syndrome and needed her arm amputated. She was 16 years old. The Wolves caught me and held me prisoner because I went rogue, but Nora freed me and escorted me down to the ICU. She said it was ground zero for the Outbreak in Seattle. It was as horrible as you could think. There was so much fungus everywhere.” Abby closed her eyes. Nora.

“Damn,” Dina said and Abby wasn’t sure which part she was set off by.

“I got to the ambulance down there and I found the supplies and I hear this sound that was like cross between a Clicker and a fucking Bloater just as I’m shoving the stuff in my backpack. When it showed itself at the back of the ambulance, I—” Abby sighed. “I honestly thought I was gonna die and I scrambled to the front and kicked the driver’s window out. It chased me.”

“Tell her what it looked like, Abby,” Lev pushed Abby to go on and Abby shivered as Dina listened.

“Fuck, it was like a fusion of so many Infected. It was a fucking Bloater with six or seven arms, standing on two legs and the arm of a Clicker. So many Infected faces. It was the most disgusting thing I’ve seen in my life. It was like a rat king, but Infected.”

“Stop, you’re joking, right?” Dina asked.

Abby looked her dead in the face. “I swear. It was growing and mutating in the ICU for 25 years. There were so many people locked in that room. It was so horrific.”

“Shit.”

Abby continued, “Yeah, I tried to escape, but it was smashing through walls like a Bloater. It grabbed me, lifted me up into the air and I hit it with an axe until it let me go. When it wouldn’t die, I saw a Stalker rip itself from its body and it ran. The fucker would explode acid gas.”

“Goddamn.”

“I threw everything I had at it. Bombs, incendiary  shotgun shells, I blasted it with a flamethrower. It wouldn’t die. Then I finally killed it and I had to hunt the Stalker. It was throwing acid bombs at me like a Bloater. Fucking son of a bitch,” Abby finished.

Dina blinked at Abby.

“What?” Abby hated it when people stared at her.

“Nobody at Jackson is ever gonna believe you.”

Abby sighed, defeated. “What was I supposed to do? Take a picture of it with a Polaroid?”

Dina laughed. “It would help your case.”

Abby said, “Fine, the next time I’m fighting for my life in a dark, spore-filled ICU with a nightmarish abomination after me, I’ll be sure to take a picture.”

Dina rolled her eyes, “I didn’t say I didn’t believe you, Abby, I said nobody at Jackson will. Maybe Maria, and definitely Tommy if he’s drunk.”

Lev laughed and said, “Don’t worry, Abby, I got your back.” Then Lev coaxed Hero into sprinting ahead.

“Lev!” Abby called. “What the hell? Slow down!”

“Relax, Abby, you’re reminding me of me when JJ is crawling across my living room,” Dina said. “Gate’s two minutes ahead.”

Abby bit her lip.

Dina said to Abby, “That’s a great kid you found.”

“He saved me, him and Yara.” Dina knew already from Maria, so she just nodded.

“Yara would be proud. Kids change you. Give you something to live for,” Dina whispered. "Something to survive for."

“Yeah, they do,” Abby agreed, framing her hand over her eyes to block from the sun.

“Wanna come to the bonfire tonight? Just gonna get drunk and party.” Dina didn’t give her the chance to answer upon seeing Abby fix her face to decline, “Come on, Abby—You isolate yourself too much. Go take a shower, a nap and then come back out to let your hair down.”

“Fine, can Lev come?”

“Adults only. Hasn’t he been staying at his girlfriend’s house?”

Abby shot Dina an incredulous look. “Girlfriend?”

“He didn’t tell you? Shit, you didn’t hear it from me!” Dina laughed. “Race you to the gate! Go, Mercy!”

×

“Coming to the bonfire tonight?” Maria said as Ellie opened her door.

Ellie sighed, “I don’t think—”

“I just got a shipment of alcohol in this morning. First come, first serve. My backyard.”

“Is that supposed to be a bribe?”

“Only if you want it to be, Ellie,” Maria shrugged. “You came back to Jackson, left to the farm, then left again and disappeared for a year and a half. I think I’m allowed to want you around.”

Ellie crossed her arms. “Is Dina gonna be there?”

“This isn’t about Dina,” Maria replied.

“If Dina’s there, then I can’t—”

“Are you just gonna avoid Dina every chance you get?” Maria asked abruptly.

“Maria, listen, I can’t be around her,” Ellie said, leaning her head against the doorway.

“We all have to co-exist here,” Maria said softly, reaching for Ellie’s hand, but Ellie backed up. Maria looked at Ellie and shook her head.

“Ellie, you don’t have to be defensive with me.”

“I’m not being defensive, Maria!” Ellie turned her back to Maria. “Fuck!”

“With all due respect, Ellie, if you wanted to avoid people, you should have kept running, but you can’t run from yourself.”

It didn’t matter how softly Maria said it, her words made Ellie’s heart sink.

“Have a nice night, Maria,” Ellie said bitterly and Maria closed the door.

Ellie swallowed a scream and her throat burned. She felt there wasn’t enough room for her heart in her chest. Her breathing picked up as she instinctively reached for her backpack, paused as she saw her right hand shaking.

×

Abby sighed as she splashed her face in the bathroom. She grabbed a hair brush and brushed her hair. Okay, bonfire, no pressure. Simple. Abby, all you have to do is sit there, talk and drink.

Shit, killing people is easier than that.

She stared at herself in the mirror and touched the two scars on the left on her face, one from Dina and the other from Ellie. She winced.

She changed into a pair of black sports leggings and a red tank-top. She eyed the scars on her arms and sighed. Some had faded in the California sun, others had not. Abby’s body was her temple and it was in ruins.

She threw on a black thermal hoodie and cursed. “Damn.”

Abby knocked on Lev’s door, inhaling as she looked up, exhaling as she looked down.

“Come in,” Lev called.

“Hey,” Abby said, walking through the door to see Lev laying in bed, yawning. “Ready to knock out?” She asked. Abby sat on the bed. 

“Where are you going? Why are you dressed?”

Abby bit her lip. “Dina invited me to a party at Maria’s.” Abby saw the ghost of worry in his face.

“Can I come?” Lev tried to sit up, but Abby gently pushed him down and smoothed his hair back.

“Adults only, kid, I’m sorry.” Abby whispered, grabbing his chin and rubbing the side of his cheek with her thumb, looking at his scar. “You look tired and it’s been one hell of a day. Don’t wait up. Go to sleep.”

Lev sighed, then covering his mouth to mask his yawn. “Fine, Abby. Are you sure you’ll be okay?”

“You know I can handle myself, Lev,” she whispered, kissing his forehead. “Goodnight, kid.”

She stood up and walked towards the door. She glanced over his shoulder at him. Lev was watching her. She let out a sigh and closed his door behind her. She jogged down the stairs, disappearing out the front door and locking it. 

Abby shivered as she walked through the snow. Fuck, I should’ve wore my coat.

The good thing about California was that it was warm, even sweltering sometimes. Seattle was cool and rainy for the most part, but Wyoming could get freezing.

It was tough for Abby to adjust from California to Wyoming. It was something that was far from her mind before she arrived to Jackson, her mind occupied with a possible impending death for her and Lev—a death she hoped would be swift for both of them.

Abby sighed, rubbing her gloved hands together and smoothing them over her cheeks as she walked. I wonder who’s there. Dina and Maria are a given, maybe Tommy. If Dina’s there, Ellie won’t be. After all, they fought pretty bad. Shit, I don’t know what happened after that fight. I shouldn’t assume.

She walked up Maria’s steps and tried the door. It was open. She rubbed her boots on the mat on the inside of the door and walked to the back of Maria’s house.

She never got the chance to look at Maria’s house closely, but Abby had to admit that Maria had a sense of style. She passed two framed pictures—One with her and Tommy. Maria was in a red dress, Tommy in a black jacket, white button-down and jeans. They were kissing.

Wedding photo, probably. They looked happy.

The second photo that caught her eye was a group photo. It was Maria, Tommy, Joel and a younger Ellie. Abby thought, This is after my father died.

Abby leaned closer. Joel had his arm around Ellie and Ellie was leaning against him and smiling. The two of them were smiling.

The only time I ever saw her, she was either raging, miserable or both. It was strange for Abby to see aspects of Ellie’s past. It filled her with shame to look at this photo and know that she had hurt these people in ways that no one ever had. And yet, Abby’s life had been destroyed, too.

Abby sighed and continued her walk towards the noise, appearing in the doorway. The smell of charred wood, tobacco, mint and marijuana filled her nose.

Abby scanned the room from the doorway. Three cut three trunks around the fire, one to her left with Maria’s boys—Michael, hazel-eyed with dark shaggy hair pulled back in a ponytail, Johnny, a blonde with blue eyes, he could pass for Abby’s brother. Finally, the boy on his knees, a boy Abby knew as Miguel, brown eyes with shoulder length hair. The first few times she saw Miguel, she had froze as if she saw a ghost. He resembled Manny.

A whistle followed by, “Look at the Lone Wolf finally coming out on the night of the Full Moon…” The other men let out a chorus of howls.

That’s what they fucking call me? Abby scoffed and leaned against the doorway, watching the three men do their best howl, one on their knees.

Maria threw a chunk of wood into the fire across from her, “Alright, that’s enough, boys, The joke isn’t as funny as you think it is.”

On Maria’s left was Tommy who couldn’t stand sitting on a log and compensated for a reclined plastic chair. He had a guitar in his lap. Behind Maria, Dina rose from where she sat on the last log.

“Abby! ” Dina called. Abby nodded at Dina as she came over. She wore a light blue zip-up hoodie with a black t-shirt underneath, and a pair of dark blue jeans and a pair of combat boots.

Dina grabbed Abby’s arm, leaned into Abby where her body brushed against hers and whispered in her ear, “Thought you were a no-show. Come on, MVP, sit down and I’ll grab you a drink.”

Abby replied, “You’re so drunk, Dina,” and Dina laughed, her face was flushed and her eyes were glassy. Abby glanced up as Dina let go of her arm and saw Maria observing quietly.

Dina disappeared into the house. Abby waved awkwardly, addressing a group with a short hello as she passed them and took her seat behind Maria.

Maria sighed, “Yeah, that’s it!” as the fire bloomed higher.

Abby sat and she felt eyes boring into her. Instead of taking the bait, she  favored her hands instead.

Maria sat down at the end of the log next to Tommy. She observed Abby as she looked at her gloved hands.

Michael said, “Where’s your cub, Lone Wolf?” Miguel howled, then burst into a laugh. Abby looked up at Michael, closest to her out of the Boys.

Maria cut her eyes at Michael, “Michael, call Abby a fucking Lone Wolf one more god—”

Abby cut Maria off mid-threat. “In the fucking den. That’s what you call us?”

Tommy laughed. He was waiting for Abby to discover her nickname in Jackson and Michael liked to press buttons and bust balls. He didn’t expect Abby to respond that way and Michael’s face, although brief, was priceless.

Michael shrugged, swigging his drink. “Isn’t it true?”

“Yeah,” Abby said, watching the fire crackle and whip as she ran her hand through her blonde hair in acceptance. “That’s me, the Lone Wolf and that’s my cub, I would fucking kill for him.”

Michael smirked, “So I heard.”

Maria sternly said, “Enough, Michael.” Then she glanced at Abby, she was watching the fire.

Dina returned with a drinks for herself and Abby as Maria scolded Michael, “What did you do?”

“I was christening Abby with her nickname and asking where her cub was! Nothing wrong with that!”

Johnny and Miguel howled. Abby rolled her eyes as Dina shot her an apologetic look, sat next to Abby and passed her a cup. She tried it and her throat burned as she swallowed, the taste was sharp.

“How is Lev?” Dina asked and Abby bit her lip and hoped the boy was sleeping. “He took a long shower when we got home. It’s been a while since we were out in the field like that.”

Dina nodded and turned to Maria. “Maria, Abby and Lev were amazing on patrol today.”

“Oh, yeah?” Maria said, looking at Abby. “Dina was actually tight-lipped about how patrol went, she wanted to wait until tonight to tell me.”

Abby took a deep breath, “Yeah, we ran into some Infected and it got hot.”

“How hot?” Tommy asked. He squinted at Abby, but Abby took no offense. It’s just a question, she told herself.

“Runners, Stalkers, Clickers and a Bloater that wouldn’t die,” Abby said after swallowing her drink, looking at Tommy.

“Well, shit,” Tommy raised his glass. “That’s the whole goddamn lineup.”

“Abby and Lev saved my ass back there, a Stalker pinned me down and she got it off me and fed it to another Clicker. Lev shot the Clicker and we took care of the others. Then Abby went through the doors when she heard the Bloater and she just started baiting it.”

“She’s a shot caller. She put more damage into that Bloater than anybody and put herself in its way repeatedly to protect me and Lev. I never saw anybody move and reload a shotgun like that,” Dina smiled. Abby’s cheeks reddened and she tried to hide it by swallowing half of her drink.

She’s impressed by me. It’s been a while since anybody’s complimented my fighting, I mean, besides Lev, of course.

Dina continued, “And Lev—You can tell Abby trained him. He’s not afraid to take risks either. He kept a huge group of Infected at bay while me and Abby took turns fucking the Bloater up. Then we had to bail when more Infected came after us.”

Abby pushed her hair back and turned to Dina, “Thank you.”

Dina shook her head as she swallowed her booze, “No, Abby, thank you.”

Maria locked her eyes on Abby. “I knew you wouldn’t disappoint.”

Tommy set his cup down, hit his joint and said, “Dina was telling us how you fought off some huge hybrid Infected in a Seattle, said you called it a ‘rat king.’” He blew the marijuana and tobacco smoke towards the fire.

“Fuck!” Abby cursed. “Dina, why?”

“So you wouldn’t have to,” Dina grinned at her.

Maria continued, “Dina said you told her it was ground zero for the Outbreak there and the son of a bitch chased you. You killed it by yourself.”

“Yes, ma’am, the ICU was filled with spores and Infected. I cleared the Infected, got what I needed and then I was fighting for my life,” Abby confirmed.

“Bullshit, Lone Wolf,” Michael said. Johnny and Miguel howled.

“Let me guess, you’re pissed a girl is better at killing Infected than you.” Abby was no stranger to competing with men.

Maria smiled, swirling her drink in her cup.

Abby leaned forward towards Michael, arms on her thighs, the buzz of alcohol making her cocky. “You would’ve died screaming.”

Dina covered her mouth to muffle her laugh.

Michael stepped to Abby and Abby stood up.

“Do you wanna kiss or do you wanna fight?” Abby asked, looking up at Michael. “Either way, I’ll knock you out.”

 Johnny and Miguel howled again.

Maria yelled, “Cut it out!” Michael backed off and turned around to walk back into the house.

Tommy called, “Mike, where the fuck are you going?”

“To piss!” He responded.

“Make sure you pull your head out of your ass after you’re done!” Abby smirked as Michael held up the middle finger.

“Haven’t seen anybody handle Michael like that,” Maria said.

“Tough guys think they’re tough until they meet me,” Abby let out a short laugh.

She looked at Tommy, the black guitar in his lap.

“Do you play?”

“I sure do,” Tommy grinned and Maria shook her head.

“He used to sit outside my house late at night the second summer he was here, playing the guitar and singing to get my attention,” Maria sighed over her cup.

“And it worked, she used to come out the front in her pajamas and yell, ‘Thomas Miller, if you don’t leave me the fuck alone, I’ll have my father put a bullet in your head!’ And I was scared of her old man, so I would take off running,” Tommy smiled at Maria, taking another hit of his joint and blowing the smoke towards her.

“What did your dad do?” Dina asked Maria.

Maria waved the smoke out of her face as she answered. “He used to ask when I was gonna marry him whenever I complained.”

Everyone laughed.

“Well, damn, I suppose that’s why I didn’t have a bullet in my head after the first eleven times,” Tommy said.

Despite missing an eye, Tommy still had his charm.

Michael returned in the doorway and took his seat next to Johnny and Miguel.

“There you are, Mike,” said Tommy, leaning over to pass the last half of his joint to Maria who quickly passed it to Dina. “Thought Ms. Abigail here scared you shitless. You never answered her about whether you wanted a fight or a kiss.”

Michael laughed and glanced at Abby from the corner of his eye, “Either way, I’m sure the Lone Wolf bites,” and Abby rolled her eyes. “I do.”

Dina passed Abby the joint, throwing her head back and blowing the smoke upwards in the air and Abby watched her, then curiously took a small hit, wincing as the smoke hit the back of her throat. Abby coughed, smoke coming from her nose and her mouth.

“Fuck,” Abby said, recovering as she rubbed her chest through her hoodie.

Tommy laughed, “Alright, we’ve got some baby lungs, I see,” and Dina giggled as Abby passed the joint to Michael.  

“I was just talking about how I used to sit outside Maria’s house before we dated and play the guitar to get her attention,” Tommy set his drink down on the ground and adjusted the guitar in his lap, the light of the fire reflecting off the guitar, off his skin.

“So there I was,” Tommy said, glancing at Maria, his fingers on the fret of the guitar and strumming, practicing a scale, “Hoping she would come out and hoping she wouldn’t.”

Maria laughed.

“I knew I was getting under her skin or at least I hoped so, I mean, the worst thing she could do was ignore me or have her father come out with a shotgun.” He strummed a lower scale.

“And goddamn, were my hands sweating when I spotted her in the window. She didn’t see me, but I saw her. Her back was to the window and she was changing into this slinky little red thing.”

“Shut up,” Maria said, her cheeks were pink.

“Man, I was so scared, but I sat down anyway and played one of my favorite songs,” Tommy started the first few notes and glanced up at Maria who looked away.

“Scar tissue that I wish you saw, sarcastic mister know-it-all, close your eyes and I’ll kiss you ‘cause with the birds, I share,” Tommy strummed and sang, his voice smooth, tapping his foot.

“With the birds, I’ll share this lonely viewin’ … with the birds, I’ll share this lonely viewin’… push me up against the wall, young Kentucky girl in a push-up bra, ah, fallin’ all over myself to lick your heart and taste your health ‘cause,”  Tommy strummed as if he played the song a thousand times. 

“With the birds, I’ll share this lonely viewin’ … with the birds, I’ll share this lonely viewin’… With the birds, I’ll share this lonely view,” Tommy held the note and Maria finished her drink, smiling.

“Blood loss in a bathroom stall, a southern girl with a scarlet drawl, wave goodbye to Ma and Pa ‘cause with the birds, I share,” Tommy sang,  “With the birds, I’ll share this lonely viewin’ … with the birds, I’ll share this lonely viewin’…” Tommy looked at Maria like she was the only person in the room, in the world.

 Tommy played the riff, “Soft spoken with a broken jaw, step outside but not to brawl and Autumn’s sweet, we call it Fall, I’ll make it to the Moon if I have to crawl and—”

Tommy looked up and saw Ellie in the doorway, a drink in her hand. He gestured to the log beside him and continued singing as Ellie sat next to him on the log, her eyes briefly looking at how close Abby and Dina were to each other.

Ellie watched his fingers as he strummed the ending solo, nodding.

The last note rang in the air and Tommy laughed. “Man, I was playing the solo and Maria opened that door and saw me sitting out there and I saw her in that slinky, little red satin gown that barely covered anything—”

“It wasn’t that short, Tommy,” Maria interrupted.

“Yeah, it was!” Tommy laughed. “I swear to God, it was. You came out and all I thought was, ‘This woman has legs for days.’” Johnny whistled.

“Then what happened?” Michael asked, smirking at Maria.

“Ha, I stormed over to him when he was finished, grabbed the guitar, set it to the side and pushed him on his back in the grass and kissed him.” Maria laughed and she sounded like a teenage girl, full of light.

“I was so stunned, I didn’t know what to do. It was like, ‘Now what, jackass?’ Anyway, we were there in the grass, rolling around and kissing and touching like it was the last time we were gonna see each other alive and then, her dad was in the doorway, screamed, ‘Maria!’” Tommy bellowed Maria’s name and Maria hid her face in embarrassment.

“God,” Maria winced at the memory. Besides her, Abby and Dina were giggling.

“He cocked that shotgun and I got off of Maria like I had ants in my pants and Maria got up, yanking at short little thing back where it was supposed to be—She was so red, yelling, ‘Daddy, please, please put the gun away!’ and her old man yelled at her to get back in the house, even though she was 26 years old at the time.”

He looked at Maria, his empty drink in hand, “He would’ve never caught us if you didn’t leave the door open. Refill, ma’am?” Maria sighed and grabbed his cup.

“Abby, come on, I need more hands.” Abby got up and grabbed her cup, then grabbed Dina’s when she held hers up. Maria nodded at Ellie, a welcoming look as she passed her. Ahead, Abby walked into the house. Maria grabbed Miguel and Johnny’s glasses, balancing them in one hand as she walked into the house.

“Here, let’s use a tray,” Maria said as she set the glasses down on her kitchen table, turning to her cabinets. Abby stared at her in awe.

“How did you just carry all of that?”

“Before the outbreak, I used to be a waitress. My job was take orders and serve people drinks and food, had to learn how to carry multiple cups and plates at once while being really, really, really nice. The money was amazing, the work was hard because we often got slammed,” she answered as she set the glasses on the platter and filled them with ice. “So picture a horde except it’s human beings who wanna eat.”

“Sounds better than killing Infected.”

“Except Infected don’t curse at you when their food is taking too long,” Maria poured vodka into two of the glasses. “Were you drinking brown or white?”

“White,” Abby answered. “Why?”

“You’re not supposed to mix them. Some people get wild or others just get sick,” Maria said as she cut lemons up. Maria waved Abby over and Abby joined her at her side. “Squeeze these into the whites, don’t be afraid to be heavy with it. We don’t have anything to chase the liquor with. God, I miss Sprite. Watch your eyes, Abby.”

Abby squeezed in silence and Maria opened her mouth to say, “I see Dina’s taken a liking to you, Michael, too, believe it or not.”

“Yeah,” Abby said as the fruit warped between her fingers over the glass. “She’s a nice person, great to patrol with.”

“That’s not what I mean, Abby,” Maria shook her head as she poured whiskey into the three other glasses. Abby froze.

“What?”

“Dina lacks boundaries when she’s under the influence, her body language and her voice when she interacts with you are… it’s obvious.” Maria paused, reaching for the lemon, “Tommy likes his whiskey to be a little sour.”

“I don’t know what to… I never thought…” Abby was so confused. The dinner invite. The lie. The way she acts when she brings her up. How Dina got up to stop her from fighting me the last time we were here. “People you love.” Shit.

“Me, too. Well, I’ll tell you what, Ellie will be pissed and think Dina is trying to get back at her. Ellie might try to kill you or she’ll leave Jackson, probably both. Either way, I’ll have to stop her while she’s kicking and screaming. Dina can be a little sensitive. Keep it secret or let her down easy. I need you both for patrols.”

Abby ran her hand through her hair. This isn’t happening.

“I understand why Dina is drawn to you. You both have boys to take care of. She’s lonely and Ellie—” Maria sighed, picking up the tray of drinks. “Ellie broke her heart.”

Maria gestured in the direction of the noise. “Look alive, Abigail.”

Abby and Maria returned, passed the drinks around while Tommy was in the middle of another story. Abby noticed the way Ellie’s eyes tracked her.

“So I told the son of a bitch, ‘It ain’t my time, it’s your time!’ And  then I hit him with a brick!” Maria’s Boys all laughed hysterically. Then when they settled, Michael asked Tommy a question about a gun modifications and Tommy started to explain.

Abby and Maria sat down and Dina turned to Abby, asked, placing her hand on hers, her voice low, “You good?”

“Yeah, you?” Abby whispered, catching Ellie looking at them again. Dina knew what Abby caught, bit her lip and removed her hand.

“Sorry,” Dina whispered, pressing her glass to her lips and throwing it back. Abby did the same and set her eyes on the fire, wild and crackling.

Abby finished her drink as everyone socialized around her and stood up. “Alright, guys, I’m out for the night. I gotta make sure Lev isn’t waiting up for me.”

“Remember how to get home?” Maria asked. “Need a chaperone?”

“Yeah, no, I’m good, Maria,” Abby had the hint of a slur in her voice.

Abby bid the group farewell and walked out of Maria’s house, jogging down the stairs. She stood outside for a moment, heard the door open behind her and turned around.

“Sorry about earlier,” Dina said, kind of wobbling as she came down the stairs.

“No, no, no, don’t worry about it,” Abby replied softly. Neither of them knew what the other was referring to.

The December wind pushed Dina’s hair around her face as she stepped closer to Abby, her brown eyes lidded from smoking. Dina lifted up her hand and grazed her thumb across the scar on Abby’s cheek.

“I think… I think I want to make a mistake,” Dina whispered. She didn’t remove her hand from Abby’s face.

Dina closed her eyes and leaned in towards Abby, angled her face gently and pressed her lips to hers. Abby kissed back and the two women stood there for a moment, gifting the other wet open-mouthed kisses underneath the light of the Full Moon.

“I can’t,” Abby whispered as she pulled away.

“Me either,” Dina looked away, touching her gloved fingertips to her lips. “I have to wake up early. Don’t be a stranger.”

Abby just nodded and Dina walked down one street and she walked down the other, glancing up at the Moon.

I wonder if the Moon feels as lonely as I do.

Notes:

I have no regrets. It took me a few days to write this one as I was sick and then I surprised myself about where and how it ended ultimately. The song Tommy sings is Scar Tissue by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Happy Full Moon. :*

Chapter 7: Spanish Sahara

Notes:

tw: gender dysphoria

I’m the fury in your head,

I’m the fury in your bed,

I’m the ghost in the back of your head

—Foals

×

Abby moved through the waters of the Pacific. Her hands shook and her stomach ached for food. She tasted iron on her tongue. She squeezed her nose and blew, smeared the blood on her soaked pants.

She rubbed her arms. It was cooler out on the ocean than on land. There was nothing she wouldn’t give for a warm blanket and a hot plate of food.

Abby squeezed her arms, gasping softly as she felt the stretch of the lacerations on her upper arms from trying to defend herself from Ellie’s knife. She never dreamed of being able to get anywhere close to closing her hand around her biceps and yet, she was close. Her body was consuming itself as a means to save itself.

She looked at the boy, the weakest she ever saw him, fragile like glass. “Lev, we’re getting out of here,” she whispered hoarsely. “Lev?” She shook the boy, but he was motionless. Her breathing picked up.

“C’mon, kid, you’re not dying here,” her voice broke.

She pressed her fingers to his neck.

Nothing.

She pressed her ear to his chest and tried to focus over the sloshing of the waves around her. She pressed her hands to his face, opened one of his eyes, but there wasn’t enough light to see his pupils.

“No, no, no, Lev,” she sniffled as she rose, grasping his hand in hers. “Please, Lev,” she wept. “I’m sorry.”

When she looked up, she stared blankly ahead. Nothing but fog and water.

Abby gasped as she woke up. She squeezed her eyes shut. She threw the faded red comforter off of herself, swung her legs off the bed. She rubbed the back of her neck, pushing firmly against the knots. She crossed over to the dresser, pulling open a drawer. Her fingers touched the red stocking, grasping it and pulling it up to her eyes to examine.

She was never the greatest seamstress. Her specialty was violence. She could disarm and disable in seconds, it took her nothing to squeeze her arms around a person’s neck and with the right force, fracture the vertebrae and kill, but the stocking had taken her a month and a half to assemble.

She had tried to sew the boys name into it. It was crooked, the execution wasn’t clean. She sighed. A for effort.

The first Christmas they spent together, they were huddled together in an abandoned warehouse outside of San Francisco after finding the Fireflies dead on Catalina Island. Abby used what resources were left at the Casino to nurse herself and Lev back to health, then they left the island.

California itself was monstrous and unforgiving, a place Abby felt she could never tame. Christmas didn’t matter then, it was just another day of survival.

There had been times in her life where she felt her mortality wearing thin, like the horde outside of Jackson chasing her. But for months on end, with nothing and no one to fall back upon and Lev depending on her, she genuinely believed her luck was running out.

On the way to Jackson, Abby had thought in advance. She had snuck books into her backpack behind Lev’s back, even went out by herself at night to hit stores, thinking she would score something.

She slid her hand over the first book. They were in mildly great condition, wrapped in plastic by someone probably looking to preserve them. Abby read the title to herself and read the synopsis for the thousandth time. She picked up the other. Abby tucked the two books into Lev’s stocking, careful not to rip the books or her own work.

She picked up the plastic and cardboard container, flipped it to the back and pushed in the perforated tab. She peeled the cardboard back, removed the thing. Owen always had one of these, they were called yo-yo's and he could do all types of tricks with them, thanks to a book.

“Owen, quit! You’re gonna hit me with it!” Abby yelled, leaning away as Owen shot the thing past her arm. It was a warm Seattle summer, the sky was clear and the two lovers had found themselves on the sand. Abby benched on a piece of wood, orphaned from wherever it came from.

“You are such a fucking baby, Abby,” Owen wheeled the thing back into his hand. He stood in front of her, looking at her bare thighs. “Stay still,” he instructed.

Abby blew her breath, “What are you gonna do?”

“Just stay still.” Owen flicked his wrist and made the yellow and orange yo-yo glide across one thigh as Abby watched. He snapped it back into his hand. Then, he did it to the other thigh, snapping it back. Owen smiled at Abby. “That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

Abby sighed and turned over the toy in her hand. Lev’s was green and gold. Secretly, Abby had gotten one for herself, a red and black one. Relics of the past.

Abby tucked the yo-yo in the stocking.

Last but not least, Abby pulled three compression bras from the drawer, one green, and two of them black. They were similar to the ones she had with the WLF.

She thought back to a time in Utah where Lev pulled his shirt off in front of her. It was the first time she’d noticed him do it. His skin was inflamed from the bandages.

“Lev,” Abby said cautiously. “That doesn’t look comfortable.”

“My chest is growing,” Lev said. There were tears in his eyes. “I don’t want it to.”

Oh, Abby thought. That’s even more uncomfortable.

Abby pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to think of how to say it. As the daughter of a doctor, she couldn’t keep silent.

Abby knew when she started to build her body that breasts were unnecessary, but they didn’t bother her either. Leah had teased her and said she had no tits. Mel and Nora hissed for Leah to apologize. Abby shrugged and flexed her right bicep, “They went to my arms. Someone should definitely be squeezing these.”

She couldn't relate.

“You’re hurting yourself,” Abby said softly. “Do you understand? Come here.” Abby gestured for Lev to come close to her. When he did, she looked up at him for permission to adjust the bandages. He nodded. As she removed the bandages, noting to herself that they were tight. She saw where they dug into the skin, cutting off the circulation of blood at the top.

She noticed he was bruised around his ribs. “I’m gonna touch, okay?” Lev nodded. Abby noticed Lev was tense. She sighed as she pressed her fingertips into the purpled skin and he flinched.

“You can’t breathe, Lev. Every since I woke up, I can hear you struggling to breathe,” Abby pressed the other side of his ribs where the skin was purple and yellow, shaking her head. “Take a deep breath.”

Lev did as Abby instructed, but failed to hide the pain on his face.

“I know this is important to you—I know,” Abby started, her hands on Lev’s shoulders, looking into his eyes. He sniffled. “But you’re cutting off your blood circulation.”

She pointed to his rib cage, “Those bones surround your lungs, but from the pressure of the bandages, you could break one and if the bone punctures your lungs—” Abby took a deep breath and grasped his face, “You could die, Lev. My father was a doctor, I told you, but I became a soldier. I only know so much. Please don’t do this. We’ll figure it out, I promise.” She let go of his face and started to think.

“I’m sorry, Abby,” Lev whispered, wiping tears from his eyes.

“Don’t apologize to me,” Abby whispered.

Abby rolled the compression clothes. It was hard to find nice things in a world like this, but she managed this time.

Abby sighed, tucking the stocking underneath her arm and grabbing the trash. She walked downstairs, disposed of the trash, set Lev’s stocking on the counter and turned around.

“Hi, Abby,” Lev said. His eyes went to the counter, but he didn’t ask.

“Hey, Lev,” Abby breathed out. “Did you sleep good?”

“Yes, did you… have fun last night?” Lev asked, he watched Abby’s eyes look away from him and he squeezed his thumb in his hands. “You don’t have to say anything.”

Abby sighed, ruffling her hair, “It was okay, I just—” Abby remembered Dina, her eyes and her lips.

 Fuck, Abby thought.

“We just spent the night talking and drinking around a fire.” She bit her lip, hoping she didn’t sound as if she was hiding something.

“Drinking what?” Lev asked and Abby snorted.

“None of the Seraphites ever got wasted?” Abby was grinning and then at the sight of Lev’s confusion, she clarified, “Drank alcohol?”

Lev squinted, trying to remember. “Uhm… Only at ceremonies… for special occasions such as initiations and births of children. Other than that, alcohol was sinful.”

No wonder why they were assholes. No way to release.

Abby nodded. There was still only so much she knew about the Seraphites. She figured it was a touchy subject. There was always a sadness in his eyes when he brought something up about the cult.

“Iyra invited me to dinner with her family tonight,” Lev continued, watching Abby pour herself a glass of water. “She said today is Christmas Eve.”

“A special occasion,” Abby said, turning off the faucet. “Christmas was an old world thing. A big man named Santa Claus would come out on the night of Christmas Eve, riding a sleigh of magical deer and he would fly all around the world, sneaking into every house to leave gifts for good children. The bad kids got coal. Kids would write him letters in advance, asking for what they wanted.”

Lev scrunched his face in confusion and repulsion. “He was allowed to sneak into people’s houses?”

Abby choked on her water, laughing. When she recovered, she said, “Lev, no, Santa Claus wasn’t real. The parents got gifts for their kids.”

“Oh,” Lev said. “Then why would the parents lie?”

Abby was smiling, really smiling. “It was just a story to entertain the kids. It made it fun. My dad told me the same thing.” Abby turned and got Lev’s stocking. “Here. We would say, ‘Merry Christmas.’”

“A sock?” Lev bit his lip. “Where’s the other?”

“Jesus, Lev,” Abby laughed. “It’s a stocking, it’s a Christmas tradition. There’s gifts inside it.”

“I don’t have anything for you,” Lev whispered sadly as he took the stocking. He noted it was heavy and thumbed his name at the top. The little things Abby did to show she cared for him made him smile, he wished he could show her the same.

“I don’t need anything from you, Lev,” Abby shrugged and walked to the couch. “I just want you to be happy and safe.”

Lev joined Abby at the couch. Abby eyed him after drinking from her glass. “Well? What are you waiting for?”

Lev reached inside and pulled out the yo-yo. He turned it over in his hands. “I—Uhm, thank you, Abby,” his voice was unsure.

Abby reached over and grabbed it, “Here, look, middle finger through the loop, hold it like this.” Abby grasped it in her hand, holding it parallel to the floor. She let it go and the green yo-yo descended, spinning and the green and gold blurred together. Abby flicked her wrist up. Lev watched as the yo-yo came back into her hand.

“I know, it’s stupid, I shouldn’t h—” Abby felt her face flushing with embarrassment, thinking she failed.

“No, Abby,” Lev said. “It’s cool.” Abby handed the yo-yo back to him and he slid his middle finger through the loop, grasped it as she did. It took him two tries, but he got the yo-yo back into his hand.

“There you go,” Abby beamed, watching as Lev got the hang of throwing the yo-yo and calling it back.

“Here—uhm—You can do tricks—This one is called ‘walk the dog,’ watch,” Abby said as Lev handed the yo-yo back to her.

She learned this one from Owen. “So you hold your hand up like this, bring the yo-yo back to your upper arm and flick your wrist towards the floor,” Abby straightened her arm and flicked her wrist and the yo-yo descended from her hand. She let it glide against the floor and called it back.

When she looked up, Lev was smiling. She smiled back.

“Go ahead, check out the rest of your gifts,” Abby urged. Abby tossed the yo-yo to her other hand nervously. Lev pulled out The Giver first. He flipped the book over, mumbling the synopsis on the back to himself. Abby watched the curiosity bloom on his face. Then he pulled out Brooklyn, Burning.

“‘We’re in love, you can’t hurt us,’” Lev read aloud. He turned to Abby. “Thank you, Abby, I can’t wait to read these.”

Lev pulled out the compression clothes, stringing up the green one by his fingers. “What is this?”

Abby ran her tongue across her teeth before she answered. “It will compress your chest to make you feel comfortable, but we’ll be exercising soon.”

Lev smiled.

A few hours passed and Abby had been in and out the shower. Her hair was finally dry. She brushed out the tangles in her blonde hair until it was smooth to the touch. Lifting up her arms and bending her elbows, pausing to rotate her left shoulder, she started her signature Dutch braid, fingers looping and pulling sections of hair taut.

Abby looked in the mirror, smoothing her fingers over the beginning of the braid. Muscle memory didn’t escape her this time.

As she secured it with a hair-tie, Lev knocked on the door.

“Abby, I’m going to leave now.”

“Hold on,” Abby opened the door. “I’ll walk you there, just give a minute.” Lev nodded. He understood why Abby rarely left the house, save for mundane tasks like groceries or cleaning supplies. He knew that Abby couldn't figure out how to atone.

When Abby was being honest with herself, she found it challenging to be alone. The busyness of the Seattle stadium was the closest thing to a city she had experienced. Even if she didn’t know everyone there, everyone knew her. The same in Jackson.

With the WLF, she had an abundance of admiration, revered due to her ruthlessly high kill count. Issac was a hard man, but he had a soft spot for Abby and everyone knew it. One thing was for sure, those who didn’t like Abigail Anderson couldn’t beat her.

At Jackson, they avoided her. The stares and whispers had died down after a month, but as Abby walked the streets of Jackson with Lev, she noticed they increased.

Probably because of Ellie returning, Abby thought, her boots crunching the snow. It felt like Jackson was waiting for a certain pin to drop in the silence of Winter.

Abby tried to ignore the outright hateful stares, the lonely bastards who whistled at her and the women who cupped their hands to their friends’ ears as she and Lev passed them.

I don’t like to put him through this, but it scares me to let him go out by himself. By being with me, he has a target on his back.

“Kill the Apostate!” A woman screamed over the gunfire.

“Fucking try it!” Abby hissed, reloading her sniper rifle.

Abby’s mind drifted to Dina’s kiss, a different kind of danger.

At least she knew it was a mistake, Abby thought. Abby neither felt one way or the other about the interaction. It was confusing. I don’t understand wh—

Abby snapped out of her thoughts as she felt something connect with her shoulder and reflexively turned around, ready to raise her voice.

“I’m sorry,” the girl blurted out nervously. “I was aiming for Lev. That’s her, right?” Abby scanned the people around her, just a handful of adults who looked on.

“Iyra,” Lev was smiling. Abby glanced at him, then back at the girl. Iyra had skin the color of terracotta and straight black strands that reached the middle of her back, dark brown eyes. She was a skinny girl, just as tall as Lev.

She can’t aim for shit, Abby sighed, crossing her arms. Opposites attract, I guess.

The girl jogged up to them. She stuck her hand out. “Ms. Abby—”

“Just Abby, Iyra,” Abby said, gently squeezing the girl’s hand. Iyra threw her arms around Lev and squeezed, giggling. Abby smirked, Lev looked away.

You can’t hide from me, Lev.

“Why did you throw snow at Abby?” Lev asked.

Abby cracked her knuckles and knelt down, patting the snow into a ball with her hands. She looked up at the two of them, grinning.

“Tell you what, you got three seconds to start running, especially you, Cheap Shot,” Abby said, nodding at Iyra and Iyra’s eyes widened as grabbed Lev’s hand and took off running.

“One! Two against one, first team to five wins!” Abby yelled, watching the two teens run.

“Two—I’m gonna win!” Abby taunted, patting her snowball. She watched as Iyra dragged Lev down to his knees in the snow, her mouth moving quickly to explain.

“Three! Don’t let your guard down.” Abby called and burst into a run towards the teens.

Lev yelped as Abby threw the snowball at him, hitting him right in the shoulder. Iyra threw her snowball next and Abby slid in the snow, dodging it and grabbing a handful of snow as she picked herself up.

“Damn, she’s quick,” Iyra said, getting a snowball ready.

Lev palmed his snowball and watched Abby’s pattern of evasion. “We have to flank her, Iyra!”

“What?” Iyra asked.

“Go around her!” Lev pointed to Abby’s 3 o’clock.

“Come on, I’m wide open,” Abby threw her arms up in the middle of the street, her face flushed and smiling. She saw Iyra duck under the porch of a house.

Not afraid to get dirty. Not bad, Lev.

Abby felt a snowball pelt her in the face. “Shit!” She wiped the snow from her face, shaking off the icy sting. She saw Lev laughing. Abby growled and caught Iyra in her peripheral, jerking back before the snowball connected.

Abby threw the snowball at Iyra and it connected, hitting her in the chest. Abby dove in the snow to avoid Lev’s shot, her braid swinging. Abby grabbed a handful of snow and rolled.  

“That’s two to one!” Abby yelled, getting to her feet and watching Iyra advance. Abby moved with grace, her braid following her movements. Abby didn’t drag her feet as she played defense for herself.

“Come on, Princess, show me what you got!” Abby nodded at Iyra. Behind Abby, Lev crept closer and took cover behind crates, rolling the snow into a firm ball in his hands.

Iyra threw and Abby veered back, spinning and throwing the snowball at Iyra who moved to her left as Abby predicted. Iyra squealed. Lev saw his opening of Abby’s cockiness and pelted her in the head faster than Abby could say, “Fuck, yes!”

“Lev, I’m gonna fucking get you!” Abby yelled, bending her knees and scooping snow into her hands.

“Three to three, Abby!” Lev burst into a run and threw a snowball at Abby again and Abby cursed, stepping back to avoid Iyra’s assault. Lev slid through the snow, scooping up snow as Abby did before.

Iyra and Abby traded shots, both missing each other. Iyra recovered faster than Abby, distracted by Lev. She threw the snowball at Abby who swore as it connected with her chest.

Abby aimed for Lev and laughed in triumph, getting him back for the face shot.

“How’s that feel, Lev?” Abby taunted.

“Abby, it hurt!” Lev yelled, smearing the snow from his face as Abby grinned.

“Only for a second!” Abby laughed, scooping up snow into her hand.

“Heads’ up!” Iyra sunk the winning shot as she ran past Abby, a solid headshot. Abby groaned in frustration, hearing the applause from the adults. 

“Lucky!” Abby rolled her eyes. Iyra ran into Lev and together, they fell back in the snow, giggling.

Iyra looked up at Abby as she walked over. “You let your guard down.” Abby shrugged, smiling and all three of looked up to the call of Iyra’s name. Two houses ahead, her mother waved.

The three of them graced the porch of Iyra’s house and her mother welcomed them with a smile.

“Mama, Lev and I beat Abby in a snowball fight! She’s so quick, mama! She almost won!” Iyra chattered and her mother looked at Abby curiously.

“My name is Laurel and Merry Christmas to you,” said the woman, shaking Abby’s hand. Iyra was a splitting image of her mother.

“Abigail, but Abby is fine—Merry Christmas,” Abby said as Laurel closed the door behind them. Laurel smiled as Lev and Iyra walked down the hallway. Abby looked around her, several series of lights stretched across the ceiling. The house was even more cozy than Maria's home. 

“Come, I made some cinnamon tea,” Laurel beckoned. Her dark hair was pulled back in a high ponytail.  Abby stuffed her hat and gloves into the pocket of her coat and hung it over the chair, sat at the table, watching Lev and Iyra disappear upstairs. Abby held back a snort.

Been there, done that. Abby questioned herself, Do I have to explain sex to him?

She imagined how the Seraphites would explain sex to him. Not good enough, Abby.

Laurel poured herself and Abby a mug at the table. “Lev speaks of nothing but amazing things when it comes to you, Abigail.”

“I don’t know what he’s talking about, he’s a thousand times the kid I was at his age,” Abby whispered, blowing at her tea. “He’s lived through so much.”

Laurel’s eyes softened. “I scolded Iyra for referring to him as the new boy with the scars. I told her—‘Every scar has a painful origin, I didn’t raise you to judge others by their pain.’ Instead, I told her to ask his name and befriend him.” Laurel smiled. “I didn’t think they’d become this close.”

“Thank you,” Abby whispered. Laurel was cool, yet radiant, like the Spring Equinox Sun in Seattle.

“I had neighbors and strangers in Jackson instruct me to keep my daughter away from Lev, that because of you, he would only hurt Iyra. I understand why you stayed to yourself this entire time, Abigail. A Lone Wolf, that’s what they call you.”

And so much more.

Abby set down her cup and stared at the dark, aromatic drink. “Lev would never hurt Iyra, not because of me or what I did in the past.”

Lev and Yara are the reason I’m alive. Yara should be here. Not me.

Laurel smiled, “I see his heart and I believe it is a reflection of yours,” her eyes tracked across Abby’s face, seeing humility and sadness. “It’s a privilege to finally put a beautiful face to a beautiful name.”

Abby tucked a stray hair behind her ear as she looked down at the table, mumbling words of gratitude.

Abby had a strange relationship with women, especially in the process of building her body. She wasn’t used to women like Laurel treating her kindly, women who chose to be wives to soldiers and bear their children.

When one of the female medics gossiped that Abby’s regimen may resort in the loss of her period, something she believed came from Mel, Abby became a beautiful yet lethal temptation amongst men who feared bringing children into a hell like this and the bane of every mother’s existence.

But today, she was none of that. Abby sipped her tea. Perfect for the Wyoming frost. 

“Are they together?” Abby asked.

Laurel nodded. “Iyra told me she asked Lev to be her boyfriend a few weeks back. You didn’t know?”

“He never spoke about it. There was too much going on anyway,” Abby explained. Abby tried not to take it personal, but she wondered why Lev never said anything.

“Do you have a boyfriend, Abigail?” Laurel grinned.

“No,” Abby said softly, looking down at her palms.

That ship sailed away.

×

Ellie stood outside, taking slow, deep breaths. Her right hand was trembling. It was the evening of Christmas Eve. It was piercing cold and snow had been falling for most of the day.

I should just fucking go home. I deserved for her to slap me. I deserve for her to pretend like I don’t exist.

She sniffled and glanced at the tote clutched to her chest.

I can’t.

Ellie closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She squeezed her unsteady hand into a fist and breathed out. Then she raised her hand and knocked on the door three times.

Ellie heard footsteps advancing towards the door and she opened her eyes, wishing the wooden panels below her feet would break and she would fall forever.

But haven’t I already been falling?

“Hey,” Dina whispered as soon as she opened the door. “Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas,” Ellie whispered back. The two women stood looking into the other’s eyes for a moment.

“Come in,” Dina opened the door farther, her hair was wet and loose curls fell around her face, framing the dark eyes that used to make Ellie weak. Dina wore a violet nightgown, stopping just above her knees. “It’s cold outside.”

Ellie stepped in carefully, tapping the toe of her boots one at a time on the doormat. It smelled like firewood and in the chimney, the wood smoldered. On a table, a vinyl played, the soft voice of a woman, describing the euphoria of falling in love. Dina closed the door behind them and bit her lip, watching Ellie place the tote down.

The night before filled Dina with confusion and shame and the sight of Ellie amplified it to an unbearable degree.

“I missed his birthday,” Ellie whispered, her back turned to Dina. She closed her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

Likewise, the sight of Dina filled Ellie with shame, so many regrets plagued Ellie’s mind, the same regrets that pushed her to return.

Dina squeezed her hair at the roots and opened her eyes, fixing her gaze on feet.

The first few days were trying. Dina had lasted all of a month staying in that house by herself. She told no one that Ellie left. By the third week, Dina had packed up most of the house. The fourth was full of tears, pushing all of Ellie’s belongings into her studio.

Tommy returned to apologize by the end of that fourth week, attempting to reconcile with Dina and Ellie.

He sat at Dina’s table.

“How long have you been by yourself?” Tommy looked around, the walls were blank, paintings resting against one another against the couch, half opened boxes on the floor. There was no life in this house, only grief.

“A month,” Dina whispered, standing with JJ in her arms. She bounced the boy nervously.

“You look like you haven’t had any sleep worth a damn,” Tommy sighed. “She wasn’t supposed to leave you here.”

“But she did, Tommy,” Dina said, a tear sliding down her cheek. “She left us here. She didn’t leave because of you, she left for herself. If I didn’t wake up that morning, she… she…” Dina inhaled shakily and JJ fussed.

Tommy held out his hands, “Here, Dina, give him here.” Tommy made the best judgement, thinking she’d never had a single break from her child since Ellie left. Dina handed JJ to Tommy and Tommy saw that Dina’s nails were bitten down to their quicks. He held JJ in his arms, hushing the boy.

“Dina, sit down,” Tommy said softly, watching the woman pace back and forth.

“I can’t,” Dina replied, enclosing herself in her arms. “He cries so much more now that she’s gone.” And so did she.

“I take it you’re coming back to Jackson?” Dina threw her hands up.

“Fuck, I don’t want to leave, Tommy, but I can’t sit here and wait for her when she might—” Dina started to cry. “What if she dies because she couldn’t let it go? What if she’s fucking dead already? What if she gets torn apart by Infected? What if that woman kills her and leaves her for dead?”

JJ started to wail at the sight of his mother’s tears. Tommy patted and bounced the child in an attempt to soothe him.

“Don’t think about that, Dina, you and I both know Ellie can handle herself,” Tommy said after a moment. “I shouldn’t have come here last month, Dina. I apologize. I’m to blame. Had I never come here and let her in on what I knew—”

“She was going to leave anyway, Tommy, she… she couldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop her. Not before Seattle, not after.”

Tommy shook his head, shushing JJ again. “She would’ve combed through Seattle again, forced an answer out of any Wolf she could find.”

“I lost Jesse, I can’t lose her,” Dina choked out. Dina clasped her hand to her mouth, turned her back to Tommy and JJ, her shoulders heaving.

At Jackson, nothing changed for Dina. The days blurred together and the nights were sleepless. Even with Robin and Aaron, Jesse’s parents, being a single parent was the challenge of Dina’s life. Tommy and Maria checked on Dina frequently.

“I’m concerned about you, Dina,” Maria said, her eyes tracking over Dina’s face and her body. The bags beneath her eyes, the loss of weight. “I feel like I’m watching you deteriorate.”

“Everything’s fine,” Dina replied. 

No matter how brave of a face Dina put on, by the time JJ was finally sleeping, she spent her nights, muffling her cries into a pillow. When JJ stayed at Robin’s, her cries were screams. Dina couldn’t recognize herself in the drawings and paintings Ellie patiently created. She couldn’t bear to look at them and they collected dust in a downstairs closet that Dina never went into.

Tommy put the word out about Ellie—“A scrawny girl, short, dark auburn hair, green eyes, a moth and fern tattoo on her right forearm, armed and dangerous.”

Surely, if he could find Abby, he could find Ellie. By then, six months came and went.

“Six months too long, Tommy,” Dina nursed her drink at his home. Dina squeezed her eyes shut, her heartbeat quickening.

“Just be patient, Dina,” Tommy leaned over and squeezed Dina’s hand. “Finding people takes time.”

“She can’t be fucking dead,” Dina whispered, closing her eyes. “She can’t be.”

To love is to grieve, but Ellie’s absence was a slow, painful death.

And there Ellie was. Dina squeezed herself. There wasn’t a single moment that Dina didn’t think of Ellie and in some way, she blamed herself. If it wasn’t for JJ, Dina would’ve gone after Ellie. Dina felt responsible and it suffocated her.

“I just wanted to drop this stuff off and I’ll be on my way,” Ellie said, her back to Dina. Ellie was staring at the Christmas tree. Some of the Christmas lights didn’t shine and all of the Christmas ornaments seemed to come from different sets. She saw a multitude of different gifts from other people in Jackson and the thought of the previous Christmas before made her stomach churn in regret.

Ellie carried the tote and sat down in front of the tree. She caught herself in a silver ornament, she leaned closer for a second, then turned back to the tote, removing the items and placing them under the tree, a stuffed dinosaur toy, a box of stackable blocks. The last thing Ellie removed was a sketchbook. She placed it under the tree gently.

Ellie turned around as she heard Dina walking behind her. Dina grasped her face, looking at her freckles, the spots of earth in her green eyes. Ellie tried to turn away from her gaze.

“Dina, please,” Ellie whispered, pulling away.

“Ellie, stay,” Dina’s hand slid from Ellie’s face to the back of her neck. The other hand snuck into Ellie’s open jacket, Dina’s fingertips resting at the small of Ellie’s back.

I can’t.

Dina pressed her forehead to Ellie’s, her nose brushing against hers. She was losing herself in Ellie’s eyes, if she stared hard enough, she felt as if she could disappear again and they would never be apart ever again.

Don’t abandon me again.

Ellie’s voice was filled with restraint, a whisper that carried the weight of the world. “Dina, why did you run after her when she left?”

Tell me the truth.

Dina swallowed. “I was drunk, Ellie…” Ellie pulled Dina’s hand from her neck, but the two women were still so close to each other.

I don’t know what came over me.

Ellie’s bottom lip trembled, but her voice was strong. “Did you fuck her?” Ellie inhaled, trying to ignore how the room felt so much smaller. “Don’t lie to me.”

I kissed her.

Dina closed her eyes, opened them to look Ellie in the eye and breathed, “No, Ellie.” Dina was calm, but on the inside, her stomach sank.  

Don’t say my name like that, Ellie thought.

“I’m… just a girl. Not a threat,” Ellie whispered, trying to register what Dina said to her. She was filled to the brim with confusion and excitement and beneath it all, the closeness between her and Dina, her warmth, only fed Ellie’s desires.

Dina pushed a strand of Ellie’s hair behind her ear, looking into her eyes.

“Oh, Ellie, I think they should be terrified of you.”

Dina’s eyes, like a doe’s, looked to Ellie’s lips, then back to her eyes and with the bravery of a lion, she pressed her lips to Ellie’s. When they broke the kiss, Ellie couldn't hide her smile.

It was like everyone disappeared in the room except for us.

Dina pushed Ellie’s jacket off her shoulders, taking it from her hands and tossing it behind her. Ellie removed her gloves, discarding them to the floor. Dina threw her arms around Ellie’s neck as Ellie rested her hands at the small of Dina’s back and Dina led them into a slow dance, her face pressed into Ellie’s neck. Ellie inhaled the scent of her—Dina smelled like Spring.

“As long as I shall live, I’ll hold you dear and I’ll reminisce of our love through the years from now until  forever… and ever, my darling… Forever… You will always be the only one… You will always be the only one…”

Ellie’s chest felt tight and she breathed in, wishing the tears could be avoided like a storm passing over.

“If you should ever need me, unfailingly, I will return to your arms and unburden your heart, and if you should remember that we belong together, never be ashamed, call my name, tell me I’m the one you treasure… Forever…”

“Dina—” Ellie started to say. It’s too much.

Dina mumbled into Ellie’s neck. Ellie didn’t understand what she said and her mind started to race as she felt Dina kiss her neck.

I shouldn’t say it. Not tonight. Maybe I should’ve kept running like Maria said.

Dina raised her head and held Ellie’s face. She angled hers and leaned in, pausing as Dina’s breath tickled her lips. Dina pressed her lips to Ellie’s. Ellie kissed back.

“Forever… You will always be the only one...”

Ellie broke the kiss and disappointment colored  Dina’s face. Those doe eyes yearned and begged. When Ellie looked into them, she couldn’t place it, but it all started out with the memory of their first kiss.

It’s not the same. I’m not the same.

“Ellie,” Dina said her name like she did before.

“I want to see JJ,” Ellie whispered. “Can I?”

“I won’t keep you from him,” Dina whispered back, letting go of Ellie. “He’s upstairs sleeping.”

Ellie nodded, turned to the stairway. She walked up the stairs to his room. Ellie lingered in the doorway, hearing Dina climb the stairs behind her slowly.

Ellie broke away from the doorway and leaned on the rail with her elbows. Ellie noticed the bed in the corner and figured it was time for the boy to finally have his own bed. Her eyes travelled around the room, landing the toys she’d never seen before. Finally, her eyes landed on a painting she had done so long ago, a portrait of him.

She looked down into the crib, the boy slept soundly, an angel wrapped in dark blue. Ellie carefully pulled the blanket over his tiny shoulder and watched the boy sleep.

Did you dream of me the way I dreamt of you while I was gone?

Ellie woke up from those dreams filled with guilt, dreams of being back at the farm, JJ in her arms while the sunset smoldered like fire against the sky.  

One day, I’ll tell you why I didn’t come back right away.

Ellie heard the wood creak beneath Dina’s feet behind her.

I broke your mother’s heart. I’m sorry for breaking yours.

Ellie turned her head to the side and swallowed. With her hands, she forced herself away from the crib. She met Dina at the door and let her take her hand.

Dina let her to the bedroom. Dina stood, looking at the window, lost in thought as the light of the waning Moon poured onto the walls and the blue sheets of the bed. Ellie sighed and encircled her arms around her waist and Dina melted back into Ellie, breathing out. Ellie pressed her face into Dina’s hair.

Ellie’s hands slid over the fabric of Dina’s nightgown slowly. Dina held fast onto Ellie’s arms, her eyes glancing at the tattoo she missed. Ellie lifted up the gown, feeling nothing but skin. She squeezed her eyes shut and kissed Dina’s ear. The sound of Ellie trying to breathe slow made Dina’s heart pound.

“I’m sorry,” Ellie whispered, her calloused fingertips ghosting below Dina’s stomach. Dina shivered, holding back a gasp. Ellie pressed her face into Dina’s hair again, biting her lip. Her inhibitions were falling away.

“I’m sorry, too,” Dina breathed. Ellie held onto Dina and stepped them towards the bed. Ellie kissed Dina’s neck, her lips moving and sucking against the skin.

Ellie caught the sight of herself and Dina in the mirror. She looked away. A mirror meant reality to Ellie. Truth.

She sighed into Dina’s neck, watched as Dina’s eyes fluttered. The feeling of Dina’s nails digging into her arms was enough. Like a gun, the girls’ steps were loaded as they aimed for the bed.

Dina broke away from Ellie and sat onto the bed. She looked up as the woman removed her black long sleeve, then her black bra. Ellie kicked off her boots, then unbuttoned her jeans, sliding them over her hips and finally stepping out of them, leaving a pair of white boy-shorts. She advanced on Dina, Dina scooted back on the bed and made space for her.

“Take this shit off.” Ellie whispered, watching Dina as her hand sliding up Dina’s inner thigh. Dina felt that surge of desire in the pit of her stomach at Ellie’s command. Together, their hands slid the gown up Dina’s body and over her head.

Ellie wet her lips and leaned into Dina, kissing her hard and pushing her down. Their legs intertwined on the bed and Ellie grasped Dina’s hips, pressed her thigh between Dina’s legs. Dina arched her back and moaned at the pressure.

Ellie supported her with her hands and looked down at the woman, Dina’s breasts heaved with every breath. In Dina’s eyes, there was anticipation, lust and something Ellie couldn’t place. What Ellie loved the most about Dina in bed was her ability to let go. To Dina, nothing else mattered but the present.

Ellie took control of Dina’s hips, sliding her pussy against her thigh, slowly up and down. Dina gasped as Ellie made her grind against her, pushing and pulling her deliberately, over and over again. The two women traded glances that threaten to consume the other entirely.

In minutes, Ellie’s thigh was slick where she pulled Dina against her. Still, Ellie didn’t pick up the pace, she kept the rhythm and held Dina still when she squirmed too much, her fingers digging into Dina's skin to remind her that she was in control. Any other time, Ellie would indulge Dina’s greed, but not now, not tonight.

Out in the wild, she was quick and impulsive, but alone with Dina, Ellie was a patient lover the same way she was a patient artist. Sex was another form of art to her, one that called for patience and deep intuition.

“Ellie,” Dina moaned, “Fuck, I—”

“Shh,” Ellie hushed her, pushing her down, pulling her back. “I feel you throbbing, I’ll make you cum just… like… this.”

Dina’s heart thundered in her chest. Her eyes skimmed from Ellie’s hands and what they were making her do, then back to her face. Ellie was a storm, often unpredictable in her nature.  Dina lost focus when Ellie pulled her against her thigh again, her breath hitching from the pressure.

Dina squeezed her thighs around Ellie’s thigh. Ellie pushed her down with more force, making Dina moan again and release her thigh. Up once more, down again, another gasp from Dina and a sigh from Ellie over how wet and hot Dina was. Nostalgia was persuasive, but seduction and nostalgia was a monster that wouldn't die.

Dina grabbed Ellie’s forearms and Ellie let out a controlled breath, watching as Dina’s face got the familiar flush of pink, listening to her pant quicker.

“Yeah, that’s right,” Ellie whispered, looking into Dina’s brown eyes as she pulled Dina against her thigh with just a little more pressure than before. “I told you I was gonna make you cum like this.”

“Ellie, please,” Dina groaned, throwing her head back against the bed and deepening her arch.

“Right there?” Ellie asked, continuing the rhythm. Dina panted beneath her, squeezing Ellie’s forearms. Dina twisted for leverage, leverage Ellie wasn’t going to give.

“You’re so fucking wet,” Ellie breathed.

“Fuck!” Dina hissed.

“How close are you?” Ellie asked, lowering her eyes to read Dina.

“Oh, fuck, Ellie, please—” Dina broke off in a gasp.

“Tell me,” Ellie’s voice was a low whisper that made goosebumps rise on Dina’s chest.

“Ellie,” Dina’s voice was high and desperate.

“On a scale of one to ten?” Ellie asked.

“Shut up,” Dina gasped.

“Tell me, Dina,” Ellie applied more pressure.

“Nine, fucking nine!” Dina moaned. Ellie nodded, a smirk gracing her face. 

Ellie kept going like that, watching the muscles in Dina’s stomach tense as she held her breath.

“Breathe, Dina,” Ellie whispered, staring into Dina’s eyes.

When Dina breathed, her eyes rolled back and her body froze with brief tension. Dina panted, her fingers digging into Ellie’s forearms. Ellie pushed and pulled her through, letting go as Dina gasped once, her eyes open and wild, wet with tears.

Ellie leaned over and wiped the tears away before they could journey down her face, traced Dina’s lips with her thumb and coaxed her mouth open. Dina sat up to look at Ellie. Ellie sighed as she felt Dina’s lips close around her thumb, keeping her eyes on Dina to remind herself it wasn’t her.

Dina’s hands yanked Ellie’s panties down. Her fingers spread Ellie’s folds and Ellie sighed, releasing her thumb from Dina’s mouth.

Dina leaned in and sucked Ellie’s nipple. Ellie gasped as Dina pulled at her nipple with her lips and moaned as she felt two of Dina’s fingers slide inside of her.

“Fuck,” Ellie whispered, her mouth opening, her head starting to fall back. The sound Dina’s fingers made as they slid inside and out made Ellie want to grind against Dina’s hand, but she fought it.

Ellie squeezed her eyes closed as Dina fucked her slow. Ellie grabbed Dina’s hair and pulled her head back gently, pressing her lips to hers. Dina opened her mouth and Ellie moaned as their tongues slid against each other.

Dina removed her fingers and pulled away from Ellie, replacing Ellie’s tongue with her fingers, tasting the essence of Ellie’s desire.

Ellie felt herself weaken at the sight. “Dina…”

Dina shot Ellie a look, that look that Ellie knew so well, and Ellie fell sideways against the pillow and rolled into her back. Dina pulled Ellie’s panties off and sighed. Dina spread Ellie’s legs and Ellie inhaled sharply, her eyes looking up at the ceiling.

Dina wasted no time, her tongue sliding between Ellie’s wet folds. Ellie gasped once, then again as Dina repeated it. Dina slid her two fingers back inside Ellie and started to suck on her clit slowly. Dina fucked Ellie with her fingers at an unbearably slow rhythm. She knew she could make Ellie cum quickly this way, as she had so many times before.

This moment had to count for something, so Dina went slow and Ellie was losing her mind.

“Fuck, Dina, fuck,” Ellie moaned. Just like two things could be true at once, two things could happen at once and Ellie’s hips jerked from the latter. Ellie grabbed a fistful of Dina’s hair as she felt lust take over.

Ellie’s feet slid against the bed against her own control and she craned her neck to watch Dina work between her legs, panting. Dina fucked Ellie with her fingers slowly and in a smooth transition from legato to staccato, Dina flicked her tongue against Ellie’s clit.

“Goddamn, Dina!” Ellie cried out. This was a memory Ellie chased in her absence, finally resting in her sleeping bag, unable to quite remember what Dina’s tongue felt like. Her hand between her legs, trying to replicate, panting quietly as the forest stirred around her. The harder she chased the memory, the more it escaped from her. With Dina between her legs, a new memory was born.

Ellie gasped in desperation, her grip on Dina’s hair becoming tighter. Her eyes opened and her jaw fell slack as Dina pushed up and in with her fingers. Dina flicked her tongue again, stoking Ellie’s fire as Ellie threw her head back against the pillow.

“Oh my fucking God, Dina, please,” Ellie begged in a strained whisper, trying to keep her voice down.

Dina took a breath, “I know, I know… I know how good this feels to you… I know you want more.”

Dina soaked up the sight of Ellie, something she hadn’t done the last time they were in bed. It was something she would’ve done had she known Ellie would leave for California. Ellie was beautiful underneath the influence of sex, the way she lost herself in it, the way sweat crawled between her breasts, how her face and breasts would flush and make her freckles stand out more—And the sounds she made giving herself over.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck—Oh,” Ellie moaned as Dina added a third finger, the heat inside her blooming. Dina teased Ellie’s clit with her tongue, gentle pushes as she continued to fuck Ellie. Ellie panted heavily, moans escaping her mouth with every breath. The stretch warred between pleasure and pain, but Dina was patient.

“Dina…” Ellie looked at the ceiling, inhaling. “I might fucking—I’m going to fucking—” Ellie broke off in a moan when Dina flicked her tongue again. Dina groaned as she felt Ellie squeeze her fingers. Dina sighed with her tongue swirling against Ellie’s clit and wished this moment could last forever, her name rolling off Ellie’s tongue like it was her favorite song.

Dina pushed inside Ellie and went in for the kill, flicking her tongue with no end in sight. Thirty seconds pass of tongue tricks and slow, slick fingers fucking and Ellie sat up, pulling Dina’s hair to look at her in her eyes.

“Fuck,” the both of them moaned, eyes wide as Dina felt Ellie’s walls seizing around her fingers, unwilling to let go. Ellie’s lips were parted, her eyes blinking slowly, pupils dilated, legs trembling.

She didn’t let go of Dina’s hair and Dina didn’t remove her fingers. They stared into each other’s eyes for a moment, breathing the other in. Dina circled Ellie’s clit with her thumb, watching the woman’s eyes close, her breasts rise and fall. Finally, Dina removed her fingers from Ellie, coaxed her mouth open and let her taste herself.

“You don’t know what you do to me,” Dina whispered, watching Ellie suck each finger clean, her green eyes meeting the brown of Dina’s.

Dina crawled on top of Ellie to straddle her hips, their bodies grinding against each other. They kissed desperately, Dina biting Ellie’s lip and making her whimper. Ellie fighting for control and losing as Dina pushed her down into the bed. Dina sunk her teeth into Ellie’s neck, biting hard. Ellie hissed and pushed up against Dina as she raked her fingernails down her back.

Dina pinned Ellie’s wrists to the mattress and tore into Ellie’s chest, sucking and biting, making the girl hiss. She left a series of dark blotches across her chest. Dina flicked her tongue over her nipple and watched Ellie’s mouth open, a breath of desire.

Dina sat up, straddling Ellie, strands of dark curls in her face as she rocked on top of her. Their panting and moaning echoed each other and Ellie egged her on with her hands on her hips. Then Dina stopped and crawled slow, pausing to look down at Ellie while her hips cradled Ellie’s chest.

“What are you doing?” Ellie asked.

“Something I read about in a book six months ago.” Dina positioned herself with her knees to the side of Ellie’s head as Ellie snorted. Ellie looked up at her, wrapping her arms around Dina’s thighs when it finally registered.

Ellie slapped Dina’s ass and Dina yelped. “Getting cold feet?”

“Shut up,” Dina breathed, letting her legs slide apart to close the distance between herself and Ellie’s mouth. Ellie pulled her closer and her tongue slid in between Dina’s soft folds and Dina’s hips bore down in response. Dina braced herself on the headboard and slowly started to rock her hips against Ellie’s mouth. The both of them moaned.

Ellie followed Dina’s rhythm, syncing them together, her arms locked around Dina’s thighs as she let Dina ride her mouth. Ellie squirmed because it was getting her so wet. Dina threw her head back and let her hips circle, panting.

Ellie held Dina still and sucked on Dina’s clit. Dina’s body stiffened and her nails dug into the headboard.

“Ellie,” Dina whispered her name, but it sounded like a warning.

Ellie flicked her tongue mid-suck and Dina hissed her name again, looking down at the woman whose eyes were closed.

Ellie applied a focused suction and held Dina still as her hips attempted to buck. Dina leaned back on her hands and bit her lip, fighting back a scream that would ruin the entire night. Ellie smoothed her hands over Dina’s hips, pulled back for a deep breath as Dina started to come undone.

Dina sat back to straddle Ellie and covered her mouth. Ellie looked on as Dina’s buckled legs underneath her. Ellie smoothed her hands over Dina’s calves, amused.  

“Easy,” Ellie directed, smirking as Dina’s hips bucked again. Ellie sat up and pulled Dina to her side. Then Ellie swung her legs off the bed.

“Where are you going?” Ellie turned back to Dina and saw it again, the need in her doe eyes.

“I’m just gonna clean up, stay there.”

Ellie went to the bathroom and cleaned up, then she stood at Dina’s sink and splashed her face with cold water. When Ellie looked at herself in the mirror, she turned away.

She wrapped a towel around herself and checked on JJ. She shook her head over his crib.

It’s been a while since we got away with that.

Ellie returned to the bedroom and found Dina under the sheets, fighting her sleep and losing. The comforter was pulled back, welcoming a space for her. Ellie got underneath it and pressed her hand to Dina’s face.

“Cold,” Dina mumbled sleepily.

“Sorry,” Ellie whispered back.

Minutes on minutes passed and Ellie watched Dina sleep. She tried to relax in bed, tried to quiet her mind. She rolled over in bed onto her side, glanced at the clock. 10:36pm.

The more Ellie laid there, the more suffocated she felt. Quietly, she got out of bed and climbed back into her clothes. Guilt ate at her for leaving, but she couldn’t do this again. She couldn’t be up all hours of the night, tormented for one reason or the other. Ellie pulled her shirt over her head and looked at Dina.

This doesn’t feel right. Why?

She wanted to take off her clothes and climb underneath the covers, wrap her arms around Dina and never let her go. But there was a part of her that begged her to leave.

Ellie lingered in the doorway, trying to stop her hands from shaking. She couldn’t place the reason this time. She went to JJ’s room and stood over his crib, her eyes landing on the child's portrait again.

What did she do with the others?

Ellie walked quietly down the stairs, putting her boots and jacket at the door. She paused as she started to put on her left glove, looking at her left hand, incomplete.

Pieces of myself I'll never get back.

Ellie froze as she heard the wood creak upstairs. 

We’ll argue if she catches me leaving, she thought, craning her neck to see up the stairway. She waited a second, thinking of how to explain herself. Dina never came running down the stairs.

Goddamn old houses. 

Relieved, Ellie twisted the doorknob and closed it behind her. 

Ellie left the house the same way she came, quiet and filled with shame. She stopped and looked up at the waning Moon.

If the Moon can love at a distance, can I?

 

Notes:

Finally beat the Last of Us Part 2 on Survivor+, no, I am not okay! The song that Dina and Ellie slow dance to is Forever by Mariah Carey, and if you think there's another song reference in Abby's thoughts, there is... Pain. Every chapter feels like a test of how much I can make people feel.

This is the third, yes, the third sex scene I've written for this fic. I know, I hate me, too. Nobody ever talks about how distracting they are to write.

Anyway, Happy International Women's Day!

Chapter 8: Gravity

It’s not the weight of the world,

It’s just the way that I am

—Motion City Soundtrack

×

Abby rubbed her eyes as she answered the door.

“Don’t tell me you forgot, Lone Wolf.” Michael stood there, tall like a mountain. He wore a black hat and leather gloves, his shotgun and rifle slung over his shoulders. His beard was growing in and his hazel eyes were teasing. The winds of Winter whistled around him.

“Shit,” Abby breathed, her blue eyes opening.

Michael eyed the woman in nothing but a white t-shirt with a case of bedhead. “You’re a sight for sore eyes.”

“Shut up before I make you sit outside and wait for me.” Abby retorted, her voice hoarse from a heavy sleep. She turned her back, motioning him inside.

Michael closed the door behind him and kicked off his boots at the door. He leaned on the couch, the stack of DVDs caught his eyes. “You wanna watch a movie later?”

“Fuck you,” Abby said, climbing the stairs.

Michael looked at the clock on the wall and mumbled, “I wish.”

He walked over to a desk. His eyes went to a framed portrait of Abby, looking serious. He picked it up and her smoky blue eyes followed Michael. The next picture was Lev, holding his bow, a soft smile on his face. The last framed picture was Lev with his tongue out and Abby had her eyes crossed, holding bunny ears behind Lev’s head.

“A different side of you,” Michael mumbled to himself as he set it down.

Upstairs, Abby spat the last of the toothpaste into the sink and proceeded to splash her face with cool water to shake off the sleep.

Abby glanced at the shower and sighed. I could use a hot shower, but it has to wait.

Abby bumped into Lev on her way out of the bathroom, “Shit, Lev, I’m sorry,” Abby apologized. He was rubbing the sleep from his eyes as well. “Did I wake you up?”

“No,” Lev said. “I slept late this time. Did you want me to make breakfast?”

“For yourself,” Abby said as she turned and went into her bedroom. “Patrol with Michael today.”

“Running late!” Michael yelled.

“You should eat, Abby,” Lev cautioned as he watched Abby clamber into a pair of black cargo pants. She almost fell putting them on. He turned away as Abby removed her shirt and saw Michael near the top of the stairs.

“Michael, go away! She’s getting dressed!” Abby had her back to the doorway and looked over her shoulder towards Lev’s voice as she pulled her sports bra over her breasts.

Abby grabbed her pistol off her bed and pointed it at Michael. “Come closer, Michael, I’ll give you some sore eyes.”

“Abby, that’s not funny,” Lev said, giving Abby a scolding look.

“Chill out, Lev, it was a joke,” Abby said, tucking her pistol into the back of her pants. “Kind of,” she added quietly, grabbing a blue long sleeve and slipping into it.

Abby slipped into a black jacket, donning some red gloves and a scarf. She walked to her gun case, a Jackson hand-me-down.

She eyed the rifle with the scope through the glass. She opened the case and grabbed the gun. She checked the safety and shouldered it.

Finally, she ran a brush through her hair, brushing out the tangles. She didn’t have time for a braid, so she brushed her hair back into a low ponytail, securing it with a rubber band. She strapped on her holster belt and switched her pistol to her holster. The last thing to go on were her combat boots and she laced them tightly, too many stories of people running from Infected and tripping on their laces.

She shouldered her backpack and jogged out of the room and down the stairs, throwing on her beanie.

She met Michael and Lev downstairs. The smell of eggs, pepper and spinach filled her nose.

“You clean up pretty nice, Lone Wolf,” Michael remarked, looking at Abby from head to toe.

“Shut up,” Abby said, catching Lev’s voice mirroring hers, but way softer. She grinned. He disapproves, it’s never gonna happen.

“Ready to be outshined?” Abby asked.

“If I outshine you, will I get a kiss?” Michael leaned in closer to Abby and Abby held back a laugh, hearing Lev huff over the sink.

“In your fucking dreams,” Abby pushed Michael away, turning to the door.

“Abby!” Lev called and threw something. Abby caught it with one hand and turned her hand over to see. It was a green apple.

“Thanks, Lev,” Abby called. “See you later!”

Lev called back, “Be safe!”

Abby let Michael out, smirking as she said, “Whatever happens today, just know that I'm a better shot than you."

“You’re a pain in my ass, Lone Wolf,” Michael said, his boots sounding as they touched the ground. Abby took a bite out of her green apple, the juice bittersweet on her tongue.

“Good,” Abby said through a bite. She swallowed. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Abby and Michael cut down a few streets and went through Jackson’s main strip and Abby ignored the stares as usual.

“They always stare at you like that?” Michael asked.

“Yeah,” Abby said calmly.

“Does it bother you?”

“No,” Abby held her guard, but her eyes jumped from face to face, then straight ahead again.

“Abby!” a voice called.

Abby turned around and Laurel was there at the grocery store. Laurel set down her totes and embraced Abby, pressing her face to hers. Abby embraced the woman back. Laurel is a light.

“Cold today, isn’t it?” Laurel rubbed her gloved hands together.

“As hell,” Abby responded. Laurel laughed.

“Are you going on patrol?” Laurel asked, looking at the rifle on Abby's shoulder. She tucked a spare strand of Abby’s hair behind her ear and Abby smiled.

“Yeah,” Abby said, adjusting her gear. “It’s better than sitting in the house.”

“I won’t hold you any longer, why don’t you and Lev swing by the house when you’re done—That is, if he isn’t already there when you come back?”

“Sure,” Abby said, smiling. “I’ll just grab a shower before I head over.”

“Perfect, I’ve missed you over the last few weeks.” Laurel said warmly. She embraced Abby again. “Good luck, darling.” Abby smiled into Laurel’s shoulders and let go. Abby turned from Laurel to Michael and Michael shrugged.

Out of Laurel’s earshot, he said, “Well, that’s one more person to the list.”

“What list?”

“Of people who like you in Jackson,” Michael rolled his eyes.

“And let me guess, you’re at the top?” Abby stopped, her arms crossing.

“Whoa there, don’t bite, Lone Wolf,” Michael held his hands up as he crossed in front at Abby, seeing the anger in her face. “I thought it didn’t bother you?”

“It doesn’t,” Abby snapped. Michael gave Abby a knowing look and he turned, gesturing with his head. Abby cursed underneath her breath for letting him get underneath her skin so easily.

“Stables this way, Elizabeth Bathory.” Michael walked ahead, waving to the stable master and jogging over to have a chat.

“Who the hell is that?” Abby asked herself.

Abby waved to the stable master and the woman waved back. She walked up to Diablo’s stable and whispered, “Guess who?”

The stallion snorted, Abby sighed and Michael pulled a grey mare with a silver mane and tail from her stable. He clicked at the horse affectionately. Michael looked up to see Abby letting Diablo free.

“God, I told Maria to let that son of a bitch go,” Michael sighed.

“I’m glad Maria doesn’t listen to stupid suggestions,” Abby smirked, petting Diablo’s neck.

Abby fixed the saddle onto Diablo and fixed her lips together for a kiss noise which prompted the stallion to walk as she led him on a leash to the gate.

Michael mounted his horse, saying, “Come on, Angel.”

Michael and Angel trotted past through Jackson’s gates. Abby waited until she was outside to mount Diablo. He seemed to fare better when not around other horses.

Diablo trotted back and forth and Abby gently coaxed the stallion, “Easy, Diablo, easy…”

Michael took off into the field and Abby clicked her tongue, making Diablo follow behind them. As the world blurred around her, her focus returned.

What Abby turned out to like the most about patrolling with Michael is that he had a soldier’s focus. He didn’t make her hold a conversation. As he and Abby sped through the ruined neighborhoods outside of Jackson, Abby looked around her, her blue eyes widened.

Abby and Michael got off their horses in a culdesac.

Abby imagined the homes pre-Outbreak. The grass might be under control. The paint wouldn’t be faded, the windows in tact. Kids would be running around outside. It’s what we could’ve had if my father… Her eyes fixated on a house with a garage half-open.

2425 Constance.

Michael waved his hand in front of Abby’s face. “Hello? You in there? It’s freezing out here and I wanna go home!”

Abby blinked, her heart skipping a beat and her stomach sinking. “Yeah, lead the way.”

Michael led Abby to a wooden fence. A part of the fence had been either kicked in or forced open. A few stray pieces of wood was in the way. Michael lifted it up and nodded for Abby to go through.

“Careful, splinters,” Michael said, looking behind them.

Abby came out on the other side and heard the snarling of Runners. She looked up to two of them running across the yard. Abby got off her hands and knees and aimed her pistol.

She squeezed the trigger and the gun went off. The first Runner, a woman, dropped with a bullet between the eyes.

“You good?” Michael asked, peeking at her from under the destroyed fence.

“I got it, come through,” Abby said, firing off at the other, a younger boy, and watching the Infected drop, a bullet through the eye. Abby let her arms fall to her sides. “Easy.”

Michael struggled to get through the fence and Abby turned to him, held out her hand and pulled him through with a grunt.

“Fuck, I used to be able to squeeze through,” Michael sighed, getting to his feet.  

“Lay off the alcohol,” Abby suggested. Michael scoffed, held up his middle finger and Abby smirked.

Michael went first through the backdoor, the wood creaking. Michael froze and so did Abby. Two of them, croaking and clicking in the living room. Michael stepped to his left carefully, navigating around a kitchen island, looking back at Abby. Abby slipped through the doorway and went forward.

Michael stepped on a piece of glass and the two Clickers shrieked sharply. Abby shot Michael a look. Seriously?

The two Clickers came for the noise and Abby grabbed a plate off the shelf and threw it at the first Clicker. It shattered and the Clicker shrieked, stunned. Abby reached and grabbed her rifle, switching off the safety and aiming for the one in front of her. Michael shot it twice with his rifle, blood splattering on Abby and it dropped, then shot the other swinging towards him at point blank range, leaving a spray of blood across the cabinets and wall.

Abby glared at Michael. “I had that.”

“Runners are a point each, Stalkers are three points and Clickers are f—”

“Then that was practice,” Abby rolled her eyes. “Had time to explain the point system before.”

“Whatever you say, Lone Wolf, it’s still eight to two,” Michael laughed. “Come on upstairs, find what we can and we’ll go out the front.”

Abby followed Michael upstairs and they split up, Michael in the bedroom and Abby in the bathroom. Abby sifted through bottles of expired medication, picking up a crunched box of black hair color, trying to imagine what she would look like with black hair. She shuddered. No.

Abby blew her breath, “What were we supposed to do again?”

“I did it,” Michael held up a book in the doorway. “I knew I saw it here. Maria asked me to bring it back.”

Michael handed Abby the book and Abby turned it over in her hands. It was some cooking book from a brunette woman. She peeked inside at a dessert recipe, then closed it.

“As seen on TV,” Abby mumbled. That woman is probably dead. “Just this?”

“Well, Maria sends us out to clear any Infected, help any survivors and if we spotted something before, she’ll send us out to get it if she needs it.”

Abby shrugged. “Practical, I guess.”

“Stuff that in your bag and let’s get out of here.” Abby did as she was told and they left the house. Abby rode next to Michael in silence and Michael looked over at Abby.

“What?” Abby asked. The horses’ hooves clicked on the asphalt.

Michael looked ahead and adjusted his hat. “You’re… formally trained, right?”

“Yeah,” Abby confirmed. “You?”

“I left the Fireflies before my training was finished. My brother was overseeing it.”

“Fireflies?” Abby paused. “Where were you and your brother stationed?”

“Well, I was born in Chicago, two months before Outbreak Day. I grew up in a Quarantine Zone,” Michael sighed, his hand tightening around the leather reins. “Dad left Mom about six months before I was born because Mom refused to get rid of me, my brother, Daniel, sixteen, had to grow up overnight. He joined FEDRA, they started recruiting younger, just to protect me and Mom.”

Abby stared at Michael, watching the restraint give on Michael’s face, from indifference to pain.

“My mom was a nice lady, you know? She looked out for people. Daniel would get extra ration cards and she would share. She looked out for my brother’s best friend the most. My brother said he snuck out a lot, was rebellious, would’ve made a great Firefly. They came to blows over FEDRA often and Mom always brought them back together.” Michael shrugged.

“Well, he comes back to our place, looks pretty sick. My brother was on guard duty on the outskirts of the QZ. Mom wakes up in the middle of the night and you know… I just remember her screaming at the top of her lungs for me to hide, screaming for help. I was six.”  Michael swallowed. “She said, ‘Mikey, don’t you dare come out until Danny comes.’ She was fighting for her life. She lost.”

Abby closed her eyes.

“I waited forever in that closet, listening to the Runner just...  guess my brother finally got off and he puts down his best friend. He calls for me and gets me out of the closet. He was crying and covered in blood.”

“Goddamn,” Abby bit her lip.

“Then the rebellion started. People didn’t feel safe under FEDRA and the Fireflies took note. My brother begged for his life, swore his allegiance, gave them valuable intel and we were moved for safety when they realized Daniel had a bounty on his head. There were a few bases over the years and so much violence. Daniel and I met Tommy in Denver. Daniel said the Fireflies weren’t any better than the FEDRA. Tommy wasn’t ready to leave. Daniel and I were moved to Oceanside.”

“I heard about that base,” Abby recalled a memory. “It was attacked. There was a FEDRA infiltrator.”

Michael nodded. “A bloodbath. FEDRA ambushed Oceanside’s Fireflies on three separate missions. They suspected my brother, knowing his past with them. My brother had a failsafe, a soldier named Jasmine.” Michael breathed in, looked at Abby, conviction coloring his voice. “My brother never sold the Fireflies out. He would never put any of us in danger like that. It was always him putting himself ahead of others.”

“I believe you,” Abby whispered.

“He made her promise to get me out of Oceanside, back to Denver to Tommy. Shortly before the base got hit, we left and I was in tears. I was sixteen years old. We never made it. She got bit and I put her out of her misery. I was on my own.”

Abby’s stomach sank. “I’m so sorry.”

“I looked for Tommy for years. There was a lot of dead end leads, a lot of close calls with Infected and Hunters, I could never interact with the Fireflies and tell them who I was. Jasmine told me that they’d kill me immediately because of my brother.” Michael laughed, but it lacked joy.

“I left Alberta, Canada and was making my way down to Mexico, just wanted to live somewhere warmer. I crossed through Wyoming and ran into Jackson just two years ago. Maria took me in and Tommy remembered me after all these years.”

Abby put her arm up to her face as a freezing wind blew by. “So much for warmer. I’m sorry about your brother.”

“He was a good man, I would’ve died without everything he taught me.” He looked at Abby, his hazel eyes appearing gold in the Winter Sun, “You’re doing the right thing, taking care of your cub. It’s a cold world and kids suffer the worst.”

Abby’s stomach flipped. She heard so many stories from her father.

Michael slowed up with Angel and Abby followed his lead. Michael looked over at her, pointed and said, “There’s our checkpoint. Library.”

It was a small building, isolated from the others. Abby noted the run-down pharmacy as she went passed.

“Watch for Infected and survivors,” Michael instructed. “Usually, this area is clear, but every now and then, we find a few of them.”

“Infected or survivors?” Abby asked.

“Both.” Michael answered.

Abby and Michael arrived at the library, stringing their horses up outside. Once inside, Abby signed them in at the librarian’s deck and turned to Michael. He stared at her and sighed.

“This wasn’t a patrol,” Michael admitted. He looked at the floor. “I mean, it was, but not really.”

Abby pointed her pistol at Michael, her eyes jumping from behind him, to his forehead and to the door. Michael wasn’t fazed.

“Then, what the fuck was it?” Abby hissed.

“Maria,” Michael called. Maria walked out of an aisle. Tommy followed shortly behind her, walking stick in hand. “Relax, girl, it’d be a damn shame to put you down now. Best believe we had our opportunity to do so multiple times,” Tommy drawled.

Abby didn’t put down her gun, her finger ready on the trigger.

“It’s rude to point,” Tommy suggested.

Maria held her hand and her pistol up where Abby could see it. Michael did the same, setting his pistol, shotgun and rifle down. Maria held her hand out and Tommy slapped his pistol into her hand, then she set it down and kicked it away from her.

“Easy, Abigail. Nobody is gonna hurt you,” Maria whispered. “Not unless you shoot first.”

“Tell me why you brought me here and I’ll put it down,” Abby’s voice was sharp.

Maria sighed, looking at Michael and Tommy. She turned to Abby. “Tommy.”

“Ellie’s gone AWOL,” Tommy said it with his eyes on the floor, then he raised his head to look at Abby.

Abby shook her head, anger flashing on her face, “Don’t fucking put that on me, I had nothing to do with it.”

“We know. It was her arrows up on the gates. She used some type of plant to make the guards hallucinate and slipped out.”

Smart, Abby thought, lowering her gun.

“How long has she been gone?” Abby glanced at Maria. Time is important.

“Two weeks, going on three.” Maria spoke, “We need you to go with a team to find her.”

Abby looked at the floor. Two weeks is a lot of distance. And Lev…

“Do you have a lead?” Abby asked slowly.

Maria looked at Tommy, then fixed her eyes on Abby’s face. “No.” Michael blew his breath.

Abby shook her head and put her gun in her holster. “I’m not going without a lead.”

Tommy growled, “Abby—”

“It’s a fucking suicide mission for everyone involved and you know that,” Abby snapped, Lev’s smile was in her mind’s eye. “None of you have a goddamn idea where she’s at and people are going to die.”

Tommy barked, “She spared your fucking life!”

Abby yelled back, “I spared her twice!” Abby turned to the door, her voice low as she stomped to the entrance. “I’m not doing this.”

Maria called after the young woman, “Abby, don’t leave. We need to talk about this.”

Abby opened the door and looked over her shoulder, her ponytail swishing. “Kill me if you want—There are fates worse than death.”

×

Abby rubbed her arms in the evening air. Spring was far away and she looked forward to it. Abby pulled out her key ring and inserted a key into the door, turning it. Her sneakers squeaked against the floor in the dark and she felt along the wall as usual for the switch. She turned on the lights and looked at the weights.

She was grateful Maria chose her to maintain the gym after it was restored. Between patrols and keeping the space perfect, she felt clearer.

Not just that, but Abby had built up some muscle back and managed to spend more time with Lev when he wasn’t running off with Iyra.

She didn’t mind picking up after people’s dirty towels or wiping down the equipment. It kept her mind away from blood, death and the gamble of survival.

When Abby couldn’t sleep, she worked out until she was ready to collapse, then she dragged herself back home.

There was times where she just passed out on the floor only to see the light of morning creep in through the windows. She would end up running to the back and splashing her face with cold water, hoping nobody saw her through the window. Abby would sneak out the back and take the quieter streets, passing out on her couch again. In the morning, she would return with Lev before other residents came in for a quick forty minute workout.

Since turning Maria down, Abby worked out to escape Guilt. Guilt always caught up.

Her rest days were on Wednesdays. She spent them in bed.  Lev and Laurel noticed her withdrawal. Lev saw through her excuses and Abby knew he did. She couldn’t tell him, knew he wouldn’t outright confront her, so she kept making excuses.

Abby maintained her usual routine on a snowy evening. Sweat crawled between Abby’s breasts as she started her cool down.

As Abby sat up during a crunch, she spotted Maria in the mirror, behind her, leaning against the wall. She gasped softly.

“Which one is that? Forty-three?” Maria asked.

“Twenty-two,” Abby answered and grunted as she fell back. She did eight more crunches, her braid strung of gold following behind her. Maria walked over to Abby and sat on the wooden floor next to her. Abby panted softly and Maria was silent.

“You’re not the reason why she left,” Maria squeezed Abby’s shoulder.

Abby didn’t reply, looking away from Maria.

“Don’t shut me out, Abby,” Maria’s voice was soft, close to begging.

I destroyed her life and then I took her place in it.

“Maria, I don’t want to talk about this,” Abby crossed her arms.

“Then don’t talk, just listen,” Maria ordered. Abby bit the inside of her cheek. “Lev came to me and said you shut yourself off.”

Abby groaned, “Why would he—? It’s not that serious.”

Maria stared at the side of Abby’s face. “It is to him.”

“Did you tell him she left?” Abby asked.

“No,” Maria said. “He’s a smart kid, he’ll figure it out.”

Abby scoffed. “Yeah.”

“You don’t win by keeping people away, Abby.” Maria looked at Abby through the mirror. “You’re not on your own anymore. You’re not running anymore. I know people in Jackson still treat you like a monster, but you can’t shut down and prepare for the worst. It’s not coming.”

“I’m tired, Maria, I’m going home,” Abby got to her feet.

The load got heavier with each passing day. Abby pushed weights to cope, but as each night concluded, Abby stared up at the ceiling in her bed and Ellie sat on her chest, making it impossible to breathe.

×

Dina stood in Maria’s house with a hand on her hip and the other over her mouth. Maria took in the sight of Dina and grimaced. She looked to Tommy, then Michael.

Just like before, Maria thought, her eyes taking in Dina’s face. Shadows underneath Dina’s eyes that broke the magic spell she casted on everyone she encountered, a spell that made people feel like Dina was unbreakable.

Dina became reclusive when she realized Ellie was gone. Maria had Michael and Miguel making rounds to her house after Robin told her that Dina needed help with JJ. The grandmother and the mother of the boy compromised, JJ would spend one week with Robin, the next with Dina. Robin didn’t mind, she was always happy to have JJ, but she begged Maria to keep a close eye on Dina.

Maria grew tired of Michael and Miguel saying Dina would open the door and send them away. She intervened.

“Man, I just—” Dina started, her voice was hoarse. “I just want a fucking answer.”

“Ellie ain’t the type to give answers,” Tommy mumbled as his finger slid over a map, pausing to glance up at Dina and Maria. “She never told us where she went after Santa Barbara.”

Dina paced in front of Maria without words, her eyes were vacant and swollen.

Dina squeezed a handful of hair at either side of her head, eyes shut in frustration. “How could she do this to me again?” Maria walked forward and placed her hands on Dina’s shoulders.

“Dina, I need you to calm down—"

“Calm down? Calm down?” Dina asked in disbelief. “It’s been almost two months, Maria, when are you going to put out another search party for her? Or are you going to start digging a fucking grave for her?”

Maria inhaled, but guilt constricted around her throat like a snake. She let go of Dina and backed away. I told her she should’ve kept running. This is on me.

Maria didn’t want to answer Dina. She was damned if she did, damned if she didn’t.

“We don’t have the people for a search party.” Michael said from his chair, his voice was stern. “Have you forgotten what it’s like out there? Ben slipped on ice and fell to his death just an hour out of Jackson. Jordan was ripped apart by a group of runners in Rock Springs. Caleb was bitten by a Clicker in Mountain View, saving my life. Those were people we cared about, too. Lives sacrificed for a woman who’s as good as dead.”

“Fuck you, Michael, fuck you!” Dina yelled.

“No, Dina, fuck you, they had families, too, and if it was JJ in any of their places, you would’ve begged on your hands and knees for him to stay.” Michael spat, cutting his hazel eyes at the woman. “If Ellie didn’t want to be here because of the Lone Wolf, that’s her decision.”

Dina opened her mouth to speak again, but Maria silenced them both. “Enough.”

Tommy shook his head over the map. “That right there may be the truth.”

Maria rubbed her temples, opening her eyes to Dina grabbing her belongings and the sound of her footsteps approaching the door carried her grief and her anger.

Ellie, come home, Maria thought. You’re missed.

×

Abby walked down the stairs in a pair of black shorts and a black tank-top. Fuck, what now? It’s so late, not that I’m sleeping.

“Hold on!” Abby called angrily as the knocking became impatient.

Abby pushed her hair back over her shoulders and Abby pulled open the door with a sigh.

Michael stood there in his jacket. He was somber, not smiling or smirking. He looked like a child in an adult body, lost and forsaken.

“Michael?” Abby stepped aside and let him in.

“You’re hard person to get a hold of, Lone Wolf,” Michael whispered. He leaned down to untie his boots as Abby shut them inside.

Abby leaned against the door, hugging herself. “I didn’t know you were looking for me.”

Michael pocketed his gloves. “Yeah, I guess you didn’t. You point a gun at someone’s face and the last thing you expect is for them to look for you.”

Abby sighed. “Not in every case. Sorry about that, by the way.”

Michael waved her off. “You were ready to defend yourself, it’s a reflex for someone like you.” He crossed his arms, sitting on the arm of the couch.

“Where’s your cub?”

“With his girl,” Abby answered. She waited for Michael to make some comment about Abby being his girl, but it never came.

Abby crossed in front of him and he reached for her hand. She almost pulled away.

He looked up at her. “Maria and Tommy sent a search party out.”

Anger quickly bubbled inside Abby as she stared back at Michael. “When?”

“Right after you turned her down,” Michael’s voice was low.

Over a month ago.

“Did you go?” Abby asked.

Michael nodded. Abby cursed again underneath her breath, her face flushing in anger.

“How many died?”

“Three out of four. We didn’t make it out of Wyoming.” No, not with the weather.

Abby ran a hand through her hair and squeezed at the crown. “Goddamn it, I told them. Why w—Why did they keep it from me?”

“It was on a need to know basis. You opted out,” Michael said. “Lucky. I’m sick of seeing people die.”

Abby nodded, names and faces coming to mind.

“I know why you didn’t go,” Michael squeezed Abby’s hand.

“No, you don’t,” Abby pulled her hand away.

“Lev is his name, right?” Michael squinted over at the framed pictures.

Abby inhaled.

“I would’ve followed my brother anywhere. It’s a family thing, whether it’s blood or chosen family. They’re all you have,” Michael whispered. “You’re like a mother to him. You hunt together, Lone Wolf.”

Michael rose and looked down at Abby. He tucked the piece of hair in front of her eye back behind her ear.

“When you almost die,” Michael’s voice wavered, “You think about what your life could be or what it should be. What have you thought about?”

Abby closed her eyes as she remembered the long hot days and the even longer cold nights at the pillars. She never thought about it, it was too painful. She only wondered if Lev’s next breath would be his last. Her soul was damned and this was her punishment.

She felt Michael’s lips on hers, his hands pulling her against him.  She was stunned and he kissed her with edge, biting her lower lip as if to say, Open. His kiss was like thunder in the dead of night, telling of his loneliness. She kissed him back and Guilt surged within her.

Abby pulled away with a gasp. She squeezed her eyes closed.

Owen.

“Wait, I—” Abby held up her hand. “I just—”

Michael stared, his eyes probing into her, seeing the weakness.

“Fuck,” Abby whispered, her voice high, looking away from Michael. She touched her lips. They were tingling.

Owen.

Michael sighed, his face flushed with embarrassment.

Abby tried to get her words together, “I—There—We—” She breathed out barely. Her chest felt like it was crushed.

Owen.

“Sorry I grew up,” Abby said with a smirk on her face. “You should try it.”

Owen broke away from the counter and turned to face her. “Oh, yeah, how do I do that, Abby?” He gestured away from them. “Should I go find the people that killed my family?” Owen stared into Abby’s soul.

“Cut into ‘em?” Owen suggested. Abby felt as if she was shrinking and Guilt was swallowing her whole. The older man collapsed below her, his blood on the floor, the golf club in her hand flashing before her eyes.

“I can torture them until they’re crying in their own—” Abby shoved Owen back into the door of the boat twice, he grunted and gripped Abby’s shoulders as she seethed with anger and shame, tears in her eyes.

Owen grabbed her braid at the base of her neck, pulling, the pain seared and Abby whimpered when he didn’t let go, pushing at him weakly.  Her hands squeezed his shirt and as they stared at each other, the two softened their grip.

Owen’s hand moved from her braid and Abby looked at Owen, his hand cradling her face. Abby was breathless and the two lost lovers felt the anticipation. Abby’s left hand slid down his chest.

Abby gasped softly,  then Owen spoke, “Abby.”

Owen pulled Abby to him and pressed his lips to hers, letting out a sigh between kisses that tried to compensate for all that was lost between them.

Abby stepped back from Michael, breathing hard. “Get out.”

As the door closed behind Michael, Abby kicked the couch.

“Fuck,” she whimpered, her hand clasped over her mouth, a tear slid down her cheek. "Fuck," she sobbed.

 

Notes:

Long time, no update. I was in a different place with this fic, farther ahead and I was writing bits and pieces from future chapters if not an all out future chapter before coming back and trying to figure out how to get from this place to that place, that inevitable place. Interesting how a story will start to tell itself like that. Aside from that, I got my first platinum trophy ever and it was for Part II. There's a symbolism in Lev giving Abby a green apple and how they taste bittersweet—The fruit of knowledge and the person who holds knowledge is the person who holds a burden. Til next time (very soon).

Chapter 9: Stairway to Heaven

 There’s a feeling I get

When I look to the West

And my spirit is crying for leaving,

In my thoughts, I have seen

Rings of smoke through the trees

And the voices of those who stand looking,

It makes me wonder

—Led Zeppelin

×

Dina woke up and threw her legs off the ottoman in the back of the theater. She looked in the mirror and walked out of the room. The posters in the hallway were ripped off. She opened the next door and navigated the backstage.

She stopped in front of one prop, a giant statue of Themis, blindfolded, holding a scale and a sword.

Dina pressed on, pushing the heavy scarlet curtains back and slipping past them. She stopped, seeing the guitar leaning against the front seats.

“Ellie?” Dina called. There was no answer. “Where are you?”

Dina pushed forward past the empty audience. She grabbed the door handle and opened it, seeing Jesse sitting on the couch.

“You’re awake,” Jesse greeted. “How you feeling?”

“I’m fine,” Dina looked around. “Did Ellie come back and leave again?”

Jesse sighed, getting up and grabbing her by her shoulders. “Dina...”

Dina looked up at Jesse, dread creeping in. “What?”

Jesse paused, looking away from Dina. He breathed in.

“Jesse, just fucking tell me—”

“It’s been five days. Ellie isn’t coming back.”

Dina woke up in a cold sweat, looking at the clock. She slept in pieces. She swung her legs over her bed, breathing hard. She curled her toes against the floor and engaged in slow, deep breaths.

I should’ve known. It was too good to be true.

“I’m so stupid,” Dina whispered. “How did I not see it?”  

Her mind wandered back.

“You can still change your mind, you know,” Ellie whispered as they approached Joel’s house.

“I know,” Dina replied. Dina couldn’t be talked out of leaving for Seattle with Ellie. There wasn’t anything she could say to make her stay.

“I just don’t want you to feel like you have to,” Ellie’s voice was colored in guilt. Dina stopped, her hand on Ellie’s shoulder as Ellie turned to her. Dina gently touched Ellie’s face.

Dina looked into Ellie’s eyes, hoping she could feel what she felt. “Ellie. You go, I go. End of story.”

Dina placed her hand on her chest and tried to breathe.

What is she still carrying? Is she searching for the Fireflies? Is that why she didn’t come back? Does she know something we don’t?

Dina curled back up into bed, yanking the comforter over her. She reached under her pillow and grabbed one of Ellie’s longsleeves she hadn’t washed. She pressed her face into it, inhaled deeply, a nightly ritual when she couldn’t sleep.

I’m so fucking mad at you, Ellie.

Dina closed her eyes shut, inhaling again.

Ellie. Come home to me.

Dina breathed in Ellie again, a tear sliding down her cheek as a memory from Seattle resurfaced.

“If I ever were to lose you,” Ellie sang softly, strumming at the guitar.

Dina leaned against the doorway, holding back a smile, her arms crossed. “What was that?”

“Nothing,” Ellie said, looking down at the guitar,  a soft laugh escaping her lips. It made Dina smile. The girl didn’t smile much on the way to Seattle and as far as Dina knew, there was no reason for Ellie to smile.

“Hmm,” Dina looked down, then stepped forward towards Ellie and Ellie rubbed her bottom lip with her finger, watching Dina come closer. “Well ‘nothing’ sure sounds nice.”

“Remember that night by the bonfire?” Ellie asked, looking at Dina, joy dancing in her eyes.

“Yeah,” Dina replied, smiling. She watched as Ellie turned back to the guitar, positioned her fingers and strummed a few chords. Dina got on her knees and crawled closer to Ellie, grinning and then sitting back as Ellie sang.

“Talking away, I don’t know what I’m to say, I’ll say it anyway,” Ellie sang, strumming. “Today’s another day to find you—Shying away, I’ll be coming for your love, okay—”

Ellie’s fingers switched positions as she strummed, “Take on me… Take me on… I’ll be gone in a day or two.”

“Needless to say, I’m odds and ends, but I’ll be stumbling away, slowly learning that life is okay…  Say after me, it’s no better to be safe than sorry… Take on me… Take me on…”

Ellie looked at Dina as she strummed and tapped her foot, “I’ll be gone in a day or two… in a day or two…”

Dina looked up at Ellie, her heart swelling, her brown eyes full of mischief. “You should’ve kissed me then.”

Ellie leaned on her arm and the guitar, sighing. “I wanted to,” she admitted with a shy smile.

“Me, too,” Dina replied, smiling at Ellie.

Dina rolled onto her back in the bed, Ellie’s shirt on her chest. She sniffled as she looked at the empty spot next to her, shifting to her side as she rested her hand on the empty spot.

“Come back,” Dina whispered, her voice cracking. Dina closed her eyes, sniffling.

Dina laid awake until exhaustion seized her mind.

×

Abby awoke with a gasp. She squeezed the top of the couch, her breathing soft and erratic. She pushed the dark blue blanket off of her.

That dream.

She leaned back against the couch, stretching her arms. She yawned. She squinted at the clock on the shelf under the television, then over her shoulder at the window. Still dark, but the clouds had touches of purple underneath the grey.

Good morning.

Abby walked upstairs, the wood creaking beneath her bare feet. She pushed open her door, turned on the lamp on  the nightstand. She kneeled in front of her bed. She squeezed her hand in the space between the mattress and the frame. With her fingers, she touched a book and she pulled it out. She leaned back against the bed and opened the book, thumbing back through the pages.

Even after your death, I can’t move on. You’re haunting me. The way he bit my lip, it reminded me of you. Is that a blessing or a curse?

She flipped backwards, rereading her words.

Lev knows something’s off. I told him I was fine. He’s angry I won’t say anything.  I can tell from how he slammed the door. I don’t know how to say it to him.

Abby flipped a page.

Lev asked me if I was coming to Laurel’s tonight. I said no. I gotta show my face sooner or later. I’m scared of being upset around her. She reads people well.

Back again.

Maria gave me the keys to the gym. This is the happiest I’ve been in a while. I missed the burn. I don’t know if she was being nice or if this was to soften me up… The better part is some of the people speak to me when they see me. Some guy asked me about lifting and I explained it, he trusted me to spot him. It’s nice to feel useful.

Abby pinched the bridge of her nose, then thumbed back.

She’s gone. Tommy and Maria tried to get me to go after her with a group. I can’t. Dad… I feel guilty. She spared my life, but I spared hers. I don’t know what to do. The nightmares I have… I force myself to stay up, but I always pass out.

Abby continued, even though it was hurting her.

I saw Michael and Miguel when I went to pick up food for the house. I looked up and he was staring at me. He didn’t say anything.

The only other person who looked at me like that is dead.

Abby sighed, a few more pages backwards.

Laurel and I talked all night. She makes me feel safe. Maybe we were friends in a past life. I crashed on her couch and I woke up to breakfast. I have to ask her what she uses on those potato chunks. I’m craving.

Laurel had to wake up Iyra and Lev. I guess they sleep in the same bed when he stays there? His face when he saw me at the table. He was embarrassed and couldn’t even look at me during breakfast. There was a hickey on Iyra’s neck. I saw it when her hair moved. I don’t know what to say. I won’t say anything. Been there, done worse.

Abby stopped at a page, the words jumping out at her.

Dina is avoiding me. I don’t know what she wanted from me. I don’t know what she thinks I can give. I don’t even know if l—The words were blacked out in scribbled ink—It should have never happened. I’m so stupid. I haven’t seen—scribbled out—around. If she knew, she would’ve broke into my house already.

“Abby?” Lev called  from the doorway. Abby’s eyes widened as she looked up and she closed the book.

“Yeah?”

“I…” Lev closed his eyes, pausing.  Abby shoved the book behind her under the bed and got to her feet. Lev opened his eyes.

“What’s up?”

“Nothing,” Lev brushed it off, turning away from her. “I’m gonna go shower.”

“Okay,” Abby whispered. “Breakfast will be ready when you’re done.”

Abby spread the butter along the pan with her fingers and cracked the eggs into the pan, one for her, two for Lev. Her father liked them this way and usually, she scrambled them like Lev did. She reached in the cabinets, grabbed two plates and a few slices of the bread Laurel baked. Lev would always bring an extra loaf home.

She seasoned the eggs and placed them carefully on a slice of bread on the plates.

Abby balanced the two plates on her palms and walked to the couch, then grabbed glasses of water for them. She sat down and Lev came downstairs, sitting next to her.

“These are eggs?”

Abby nodded. “You always scramble them, I did the same thing when I was your age. But my dad made them like this. They’re called ‘sunny-side up.’ You can break the yolk if you want.”

Abby forced herself to eat and Lev looked happy enough.

His happiness is all that matters.

The weight of the world was on Abby’s chest. Guilt filled her knowing she hadn’t been using her time well with Lev.

I want to talk to you, Lev. I just don’t know how.

Abby cast her eyes at the floor, then turned her head to look at Lev, “Do you wanna hit the gym this morning?”

×

Dina sighed as she pulled open the dresser drawer, pulling out a book. She was wrapped in a green towel, still wet from her shower.

Dina sat on the bed and cracked open the sketchbook. The first page was all pencil and cross-hatching. It was Dina, naked but relaxing with a poem or a song scribbled off to the side.

You shine on me,

The scars on my surface,

Flawed and damaged

I have no light of my own

I reflect yours

Fears of an eclipse

Dina closed the book abruptly, whispering, “Fuck, Ellie.” Dina placed her hand on her chest, her heart quickening. Dina breathed deeply and slowly.

Dina put the book under her pillow and got dressed in silence. She pulled her blue jeans over her hips, a black button up to go with it. She pulled a black sweater over herself and walked downstairs, grabbing her blue jacket off of her dinner chair. She looked out the window at the flower bushes in front of her home. They wouldn’t bloom yet, to bloom was the essence of change and change was inevitable.

Temporary, Dina thought.

Dina slipped her feet into her boots and fanned her face in front of her front door, preparing to face the day. People made Dina reclusive. The months following the return from Seattle were filled of pitiful looks, well-meaning condolences and outright wrong rumors about the tragedy. It gave Dina more of a reason to move out to the farm. The two women needed more privacy.

Dina walked and lost herself in a memory.

“I keep having dreams of a boy,” Dina whispered to Ellie. The two women were laying on their sides in the bed, facing each other. It was a late summer evening, the cicadas sang outside their window.

Ellie opened her eyes, “Oh, yeah? Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I thought I was going crazy,” Dina admitted.

“Sometimes you just know. You should trust your gut.” Ellie pressed her forehead to Dina’s. Ellie closed her eyes and smiled. “Think of a name. Any name.”

Dina looked up to the sky and breathed in the crisp air, thinking back.

The woman got up and waddled to the bathroom. Her last trimester wasn’t being kind. Her feet were swollen and she hardly slept. She could feel the child’s feet against her ribs. It stung when the child kicked. She was suffering from mild cramps over the last week, but she didn’t tell Ellie because they always went away. Today, the cramps were there for most of the afternoon and early evening. She figured she’d feel fine tomorrow.

She was in the doorway when she felt warm liquid gushing from between her legs. Dina grasped the doorway and looked around. Ellie left to Maria and Tommy’s house an hour before.

“Shit!” Dina whispered. “Is that?” Her hand touched her swollen belly, then hiked up her nightgown.

Dina waddled down the stairs after cleaning up in the bathroom and sat on her couch.

I’m not sure if I just pissed myself or if my water broke.

The mother gasped as she continued to leak. She put her face in her hands and the tears started to come. She felt the dull ache grow in intensity. Fear set in and Dina cried for an hour.

She walked into the kitchen and started to do the dishes.

Dina sobbed as she cleaned a cup. She moved on to the glasses. On the third glass, she felt like she was being torn apart from the inside. She gasped and dropped the glass and the shards flew across the floor.

Dina braced herself on the counter until the pain passed and then stepped away from the sink, her foot stepping on a shard.

“Fuck,” Dina moaned. She could see the blood pooling around her foot. Dina limped to the couch, leaving a trail of blood and sat down. She couldn’t even see the wound. She was too big.

When the next contraction came, Dina yelped and started to cry again.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” Dina hissed, getting to the floor on her knees. She grasped her belly. “Stay right where you are!”

I should get in bed, Dina thought. The woman worked her way up the stairs, grabbing the rails. Her heart thundered in her chest and her knees cried for mercy.

She crawled to the bedroom as the pain faded. She knew it would come back.

Dina leaned against the bed, unable to find the strength to get into it. She wiped sweat from her forehead and let out a controlled breath that cut off into a scream as she felt her belly harden beneath her fingers.

A hour passed and the room felt like it was shrinking. She heard voices from downstairs, Ellie yelling her name, then footsteps pounding the wooden stairs.

Ellie slid in front of the door. She braced herself with her hands on the doorway.

“Hey, you,” Ellie whispered. Her eyes went to Dina’s foot. “You scared the shit out of me.”  

Dina sniffled. “Ellie, it’s happening.”

Maria yelled from the bottom of the stairs and Ellie started to answer, but Dina’s bloodcurdling scream interrupted them and Ellie jumped.

Dina couldn’t hear what Maria yelled from downstairs, but Ellie called back, “In the other closet!” then rushed to her side.

“My foot,” Dina whined.

“Nothing we can’t fix,” Ellie said, twisting her foot at her ankle. “You don’t need stitches.”

Ellie held Dina’s face in her hands, her green eyes full of strength. “I’m gonna get you up, okay?”

Dina moaned back, “Ellie, I don’t wanna get up.”

“I know, I know,” Ellie whispered, “But we need to be downstairs in case we have to get you to the medics. Hold onto me.”

Dina threw her arms around Ellie’s shoulders and Ellie lifted her to her feet, straining.  The two women walked to the stairs, Dina trying to keep weight off her wounded heel.

“Hold the railing, okay?” Ellie’s arms held Dina steadily, with Ellie backtracking down the stairs.

When they got to the bottom of the stairs, Dina looked up and saw Maria pumping air into an inflatable baby blue pool with a bicycle pump.

“Sit her on the couch, Ellie,” Maria instructed, “Then we’ll start filling this pool.”

Ellie sat Dina on the couch and squeezed her hand, then left to the bathroom downstairs.

Maria smiled at Dina, her hands pushing the piston down, “No going back now, Dina.”

Dina groaned in response.

“Is there any time to get Sharon?” Dina gasped out, wondering about her midwife.

“You tell—” Maria watched as Dina screamed again, squeezing the arm of the couch. “No.”

“How do you know?” Dina spoke through her teeth.

“You’re not the first woman to give birth in Jackson, Dina,” Maria laughed. “I know that face when I see it.”

“Is it ready?” Ellie asked as she struggled into the room, holding a basin of hot water with rags underneath her arm.

Maria nodded and Ellie poured it into the pool.

“Sit with her, her contractions are getting stronger.” Maria grabbed the bucket and Ellie hurried to the sink, running cold water on top of two rags. She grabbed a roll of bandages and some alcohol

“Fuck, Ellie,” Dina breathed out as Ellie placed the cool cloth on her head. She clutched Ellie’s arm and dug her fingernails into her skin, bursting into tears as the pain started to build again.

“You’re gonna have to let me go for a second,” Ellie squeezed Dina’s hand. “I want to clean that scratch and bandage you up before we get you in the pool.”

Dina reluctantly let go of her arm and Ellie wiped away dirt and blood from the scratch. Ellie poured alcohol over Dina’s wound.

Maria came back with another bucket of hot water and nearly dropped it when Dina screamed again.

“Goddamn it,” Maria whispered. Dina’s face was pale. Ellie was bandaging her foot with focus. Maria poured the hot water into the pool.

“Is it almost ready?” Ellie asked, her back to Maria.

“Two more buckets should do,” Maria replied, looking at the pool and without hesitation, she went to fill it up again.

“I don’t know if I can—” Dina broke off in a gasp. The pain was surging and when it peaked, Dina screamed again.

Ellie grasped her face, pressed her forehead to the mother’s, whispering, “You can, Dina, you can and you will.”

Dina got closer to her destination. The sun was closer to the middle of the sky. Her stomach growled, but she ignored it. She tried to remember. Giving birth felt like a dream.

It was Ellie and Dina in the water on their knees. The mother couldn’t stand to lay back. Maria held Dina’s hand in hers, pressing it to her lips. Maria softened her tough exterior, favoring a gentle woman for Dina instead. When Dina squeezed, Maria squeezed back, reminding her of her presence.

Ellie held Dina’s other hand and Ellie started to see the pattern in her face, the way Dina’s hand would ease off and then gradually tighten and her panting would become desperate and almost animalistic. Their fingers intertwined. The two women whispered words of strength to Dina.

Ellie and Maria traded glances as Dina let out a long scream, squeezing their hands for dear life. Worry and fear crossed Ellie’s face. Maria caught her doubt.

“Her body knows what to do, Ellie.”

There was the ring of fire. Dina threw her head back and screamed as Ellie massaged her thighs beneath the water. She panted and squeezed Ellie’s forearms.

“Fuck, he won’t come, I think he’s stuck!” Dina started to panic, looking between Maria and Ellie. “I don’t want to die.”

“Look at me, Dina—” Ellie urged. Dina was all blood, sweat and tears, unable to face her. “Look at me.”

Dina raised her eyes to Ellie, they were full of pain and fear.

“You’re not going to fucking die,” Ellie’s hands were firm against her thighs in the warm water, her eyes full of resilience. “Survived worse, right?”

Ellie leaned in and pressed her lips to Dina’s, something Ellie never did enough during the life or death days of Seattle and it filled her with shame. Dina kissed back, opened her mouth, let her inside for a moment. Ellie broke the kiss.

“Okay,” she whispered. “You’re ready.”

Dina gasped, “Ellie…”

“Ellie, reach down and feel for the head,” Maria moved behind Dina to massage her neck. Maria felt the tension in her shoulders. “He’s not stuck, Dina, he’s right where he’s supposed to be.”

“I feel him,” Ellie gasped. She used both hands to support Dina and the emerging child. She looked in the Dina’s eyes, glassy with pain and doubt. She breathed in when Dina screamed out. “Relax, Dina.”

“I can’t, I can’t, Ellie, I fucking can’t,” Dina cried out, the pain was searing and as she remembered, Dina swore she was going to split in two. The pain blinded her thoughts. It was all instinct from here.

“He’s right there,” Ellie whispered. “You got this, Dina.”

Minutes of tension passed, Dina’s screams and curses filled the room. She couldn’t push. Her body did for her and Dina sobbed as she felt the child slide out of her into this life.

Ellie let out a squeal of joy as she caught the child, looking up at an exhausted Dina and an elated Maria. She brought the child above water.

“A boy…. You knew,” Ellie crooned, looking up at Dina, the magic dancing in her eyes. “God, he’s so big.”

Dina caught her breath as Ellie handed her the child. Dina’s heart fluttered as she cradled him.

“Look at that,” Maria grinned as she peered over Dina’s shoulder.

“Ellie…” Dina looked up. “Cut the cord.”

Ellie reached over the edge of the pool, the water sloshing, and grabbed her switchblade from her back pocket.  

Ellie popped her switchblade and cut the umbilical cord and the child gasped and began to wail.

Ellie and Dina locked eyes, a memory blooming between them. The two lovers were breathless with the sound of their child crying and gasping at the top of his tiny lungs.

Dina looked over at Joel’s house, now Tommy’s, then at the cemetery.  She turned her back to the home and pushed forward.

The morning air was crisp and cold. She could smell the rain from a few hours before, a symptom of pregnancy that never left her. Underneath her boots, the ground crunched.

Dina navigated carefully through the graves. She sat down, legs crossed. She nervously pulled her hair out of the bun.

“Jesse,” Dina’s voice was hoarse from the crying spell this morning.

She stared at the gravestone and touched the earth. She swallowed. There was a bitterness in not being able to bring his body home. Ellie and Dina wrapped the man in cloth they’d found backstage in the theater. The two women agreed to not put his body outside in case Infected found him. He was back at that theater in the lobby.

“You should see JJ,” Dina sighed, taking a deep breath and wiping a tear from her eye and folding her hands. “He’s getting so big. I got him his own bed. He’s ninety-percent you and ten percent me, down to the snoring.”

“I’m trying to be the best mother I can, but it’s… I don’t feel like I’m real sometimes and then, it’s too real and I can’t shut my thoughts off—”

Dina held her throat, imagining a cord loosening itself from her neck.

“El left. It’s been forty nine days,” The mother’s voice broke. “I can’t do this again.”

“I… I…” Tears ran down her cheeks. “Every time I close my eyes at night, I see her body and there’s so much… there’s so much blood.”

Dina’s hands squeezed the earth in front of Jesse’s gravestone.

“I don’t think she’s coming back,” Dina’s voice gave out on the last word, a whisper of hopelessness.

×

Abby’s blood was rushing through her veins. She smoothed her hand across Lev’s back as they exited the gym.  

Lev was lifting heavier weights from last week. It filled Abby with excitement to see the boy push himself, lifting the barbell.

“You’re getting stronger. I’m so proud of you,” Abby smiled. God, I sound just like my dad.

“I feel stronger,” Lev looked at his hands, then tracked his brown eyes across Abby’s face.

“It’s nice, isn’t it?” Abby laughed, brushing her finger against her nose. “When I was at my strongest, I felt like nothing could destroy me… until I ran into shit that could destroy me.”

The pair looked at each other, recalling the same memory.

“That fucking bridge!” Abby hissed. The memory of the fall alone made shivers run up and down her spine. She used to dry heave when she remembered it.

Lev laughed. “It was the only way, Abby.”

“The only way, Lev? The worst way,” Abby hugged herself. “Then there was that building.”

“I thought you were going to die when you went through that door,” Lev admitted.

“Almost did a few times,” Abby shuddered, thinking of walking past a wall of thick fungus wrapped around a body only for the body to burst free and lunge at her.

 “Good times,” Abby mumbled.

“Good times?” Lev asked.

“Sarcasm, Lev,” A smile tugged at the edge of Abby’s lips.

Lev laughed.

“I’m hungry, do you think Laurel is making lunch?”

“You want to come?” Lev’s eyes lit up. Abby nodded, sorry she didn’t come sooner.

The pair continued on their path back to the house.

“What’s going on between you and Iyra?” Abby said quickly, eyes up at the blue sky.

“Abby!” Lev reeled.

“I mean—” Abby nervously rubbed the back of her neck beneath her braid. “Have you reached third base yet?”

“Third base?” Lev looked at Abby as if she was speaking a different language.

“Fuck—Nevermind, forget I said that, Lev,” Abby’s stomach did flips. Why did I ask him—

“No, Abby,” Lev crossed in front of Abby. “What does ‘third base’ mean? Why is your face red?”

Abby backed away, “I’ll tell you when we get ba—”

Abby turned around when she heard someone call her name.

“Oh,” Abby breathed out, watching as Dina pushed a stroller towards them. Thank God.

Dina stopped in front of the pair and JJ yelled, the boy of the fallen lover had a grey jacket, a navy blue hat and tiny jeans with even tinier boots on.

“Is this your baby?” Lev asked, kneeling down. “His eyes are so big.” The boy reached out with his tiny gloves to Lev and Lev laughed as the boy wrapped his fist around his two fingers.

“Yeah,” Dina smiled. “That’s my boy.”

Abby kneeled on the ground, too. She smiled at the boy, but the smile didn’t hide Guilt. I took his father’s life. They say you become what you’ve always hated.

“What’s his name?” Abby’s voice was short of a whisper.

“JJ,” Dina answered softly. The boy reached for Abby next and Abby wanted to recoil, but she didn’t. Abby leaned in to make a face at the boy and he grabbed her braid, yanking hard.

Abby winced and gasped. Get your licks in, kid, it’s what I deserve.

Dina stepped from behind the stroller and gently pried JJ’s hand from Abby’s braid. “JJ, please—I’m sorry, Abby,” the mother whispered.

Dina let go of Abby’s braid, her hand slowly sliding down the last few inches as the two stood up.

“He likes soft and shiny things,” Dina appeared to be embarrassed as soon as she said it.

“It’s a compliment then,” Abby didn’t miss the layer behind Dina’s words. She glanced down at her feet, then to JJ, then back to Dina. She looked like she hadn’t slept well. She was a little pale.

“I’m sorry about that night,” Dina’s eyes combed over the blonde’s face, stopping at her smoky blue eyes, the freckles across her nose and Dina stopped herself before she could look at her lips.

Lev looked between Dina and Abby curiously.

Abby opened her mouth, then bit her lip, rubbing the back of her neck. “It is what it is.”

“Have you heard?” Dina squeezed her eyes shut. Lev looked at Dina, then to Abby.

“Heard what?” Lev’s voice sounded a little angry. He restrained himself well like Abby, but Abby heard it loud and clear.

“Yeah, I heard,” Abby whispered. “I’m sorry. Now’s not a good time to talk about it.” Dina saw Abby’s eyes flicker toward Lev. Then Dina realized.

“Okay,” Dina nodded. “Where are you off to?”

“Showers, then lunch,” Abby answered.

“I’ll see you around, Abby,” Dina grabbed a hold of JJ’s stroller.

“Yeah,” Abby said, swallowing. Dina walked off and Lev looked at Abby.

Teenage rage, Abby called it like she saw it.

“C’mon, Lev, let’s go home.”

Lev was silent for the rest of the ten minute walk, and he walked through the house first. As soon as Abby closed the door behind her, Lev turned on his heels.

“What are you hiding from me, Abby?” Lev demanded.

Fuck me.

Abby went on the defensive, avoiding looking at Lev. “I’m not hiding anything.”

“Michael came looking for you a few times and said he thinks you’re avoiding him. You’ve been avoiding me, you don’t want to come to Laurel and Iyra’s. I didn’t do anything for you to avoid me. Neither did Laurel and Iyra.” Lev crossed in front of Abby.

“I’m coming with you—” Abby closed the distance between her and Lev, moving to place her hands on his shoulder.

“Stop avoiding it, Abby,” Lev snapped, shoving Abby away. “You said I could ask you anything. I asked and you lied. Why are you lying?”

“I’m not lying—” Abby yelled, the anger and distress showed in her face and in the veins beneath the skin of her neck.

“Stop lying!” Lev yelled. Abby flinched as the boy raised his voice. She wanted to open the door and run as far as her legs could take her.  

“What happened between you and Dina? You just avoid everything! I’m not a child! I’m fifteen!”

“Lev—” Abby squeezed her hands into fists. I can’t believe this is happening.

“Do I mean anything to you? Or did you just take care of me to ‘lighten the lo—” Abby recognized those words as hers and she argued back. She didn’t want to hear them.

“You mean everything to me, Lev—” Abby’s voice was small.

“Prove it,” Lev grabbed Abby by her arms, his face looking up at hers. “Be honest.”

“Dina and I kissed the night I went to that party. Ellie left Jackson. Maria and Tommy wanted me to go after her with a team. I said no. They sent a team with Michael anyway, he’s the only one that came back.” Abby confessed, but the weight didn’t get lighter.

“Anything else?” Abby asked, breathing softly as Lev let go of her and backed up.

“Third base?” Lev turned to her.

God, I fucking c—

Abby took off her hat and threw it in the direction of the couch.

“Having sex,” Abby snapped, then she looked away. Abby slid down against the door, pulling her knees against her chest, hiding her face from him. She felt Lev sit down next to her, his arms touching hers.

“The Seraphites promised me to an Elder for a reason. They said sex was sacred, that my purity was a gift. It was something I was supposed to learn from the Elder.” Lev whispered.

Those people are fucking crazy, Abby thought. It’s not that serious.

“I don’t know how… not as a man or anyone else,” Lev finished.

 A problem and I’m sure there’s a solution, Abby squinted at the wall.

“We just kiss and touch a lot. Does that count? How did Owen have sex with you?”

“Goddamn it, Lev,” Abby felt a rush of heat to her face.

She remembered Owen sneaking into her room back at Salt Lake. It was her first time.

Abby gasped as Owen’s hands slipped up her t-shirt.

Owen’s mouth was near her ear. “Shhh, Abigail. We have to be quiet, Mel’s sleeping.” The other girl was across the room.

The challenge became harder the lower Owen’s mouth went.

“Owen, what are you do—” Abby broke off in a squeak as she felt his tongue slide against her folds.

Abby became a squirming, shaking, muffled mess. When Owen came up, she could tell he was smiling in the dark. She tasted herself on his lips and tongue.

“Do you want it?” Owen whispered into her ear. Her hands were on the back of his neck and his head.

“I want it,” Abby gasped back, panting softly. She felt him, the entirety of him sliding against her folds.

“I want what you want, Abby,” Owen breathed into her ear and Abby trembled underneath him. He adjusted himself and Abby was aching. He slid in slowly and Abby gasped, wincing as she felt him stretching her open.

“Are you okay?” Owen asked when Abby dug her fingernails into his back.

“Yeah—You’re just—Fuck—Keep going,” Abby was breathing hard.

Owen slid inside and out of her slowly and the ache went away. Owen kissed her lips and Abby opened her mouth.  He lifted her thigh for a better angle and Abby gasped as he went deeper and slower.

“Owen,” Abby sighed, the shape of him inside her, opening her up. She was falling in love with the way her body made space for him. The friction of his skin against her was making her lose control. She felt something coming.

The lovers were close when Mel sat up suddenly.

“Abby?”

“Can we give that question a raincheck?” Abby swallowed. She could feel the heat in her face and her neck.

“A ra—”

“Meaning ask me later,” Abby quickly said, hoping he would forget.

“Did you and Dina have sex? Is that why Ellie left?” Lev probed.

Abby gasped. “What? No way. That’s not why she—” She looked at Lev. She saw the doubt in his eyes. “Lev, Dina and I did not have sex.”

“Okay,” Lev said slowly. “Why didn’t you go look for her?”

“I didn’t want to leave you,” Abby whispered.

“I would have come with you, Abby,” Lev whispered back, reaching for her hand and squeezing it

“I know,” Abby said softly, unable to look the boy in the eye as she squeezed his hand back. That’s why I said no.

“Go get a shower,” Abby said, looking at the clock as she stood up. “It’s almost noon, Laurel might be making lunch right now.”

×

Laurel chopped the chicken into chunks as the peppers and onions sizzled in the pan. She hummed along to the music playing in the living room. Iyra popped her head into the kitchen.

“Mom, can I change the record?”

“Sure, my love, go ahead. Lunch is almost ready,” Laurel replied, reaching in a cabinet.

Laurel laughed to herself as she heard her daughter start to sing along and dance in the living room. She paused and went to the door, opening it. Her eyes widened as she saw Abby behind Lev and looked behind her, smiling at her daughter’s release.

“Come in, food’s almost done.” Lev hugged Laurel, letting go and it was Abby who took Lev’s place in the woman’s arms. Abby looked up. Laurel left the Christmas lights up.

“Hey, stranger,” Laurel whispered to Abby, giving the younger woman a firm squeeze.

“Hi…” Abby squeezed Laurel back. “I’m sorry, I’ve been going through a lot.”

“I’m here for you should you need an escape, a shoulder to cry on or just a hot plate of food,” Laurel squeezed Abby’s shoulders. “Remember that.”

Abby and Laurel joined Lev in the kitchen. Iyra was oblivious as she spun and sang to the rumbling beat.

“This is what the world is for, making electricity, you can feel it in your mind—” Iyra turned to see the amused smiles of her mother, Abby and Lev. She rushed into Lev’s arms, the both of them giggling.

Iyra looked at Abby from over Lev’s shoulder, “I missed you!”

“More than him?” Abby teased.

Iyra squinted at Abby through her hair, messy from jumping around.  “Uhm… yes.”

Lev huffed. “Really?”

Iyra kissed Lev on his cheek. “Mom says that distance makes the heart grow fonder.”

“Alright, love birds, lunch in ten minutes,” Laurel smiled. She motioned for Abby to follow her into the kitchen.

“How you been?” Abby asked as she sat, watching as Laurel dumped the chicken, the peppers and onions into a bowl and then topped it off with a homemade red sauce.

“Me? What about you, Abigail?” Laurel looked over at Abby, stirring the mixture with a questioning look on her face.

“What about me?” Abby played with her braid nervously.

Laurel lined up four rolls of bread and started to slice into them. Abby noticed the tomatoes on the countertop, freshly washed off with droplets of water sliding down them.

“You play the disappearing game. I see you and then I don’t. I worry about you. Lev looked upset whenever I asked about you, so I stopped asking.”

This crushed Abby.

Laurel finished slicing the bread. She rinsed off the knife and grabbed the first tomato, the edge of steel cutting through the skin, making the juice run.

Abby breathed in before she answered, crossing her ankles under the table. “It’s just... It's just been difficult for me.”

Laurel scooped the mix into the wedges of the bread, adorning it with tomatoes. “I’m sure of that. I don’t blame you.”

Laurel turned to look at Abby while she was finishing the third sandwich. “You should never pretend to be okay when you aren’t, Abby.”

Abby blew air through her nose. “I don’t—”

“You are right now. I’ll do my best to lift your spirits.” Laurel turned and placed a sandwich on a plate in front of Abby, her eyes full of wisdom as Abby looked at her. She held the homemade sauce up. “You like it super spicy like my daughter?”

“Yes, please,” Abby grinned and Laurel added more of the red sauce to her sandwich. Laurel called for Lev and Iyra, then started the table with the rest of the plates, then the glasses. She grabbed a pitcher of juice from the fridge, it had mint leaves in it.

She paused, looking at Abby, pouring her a glass.

“What are you waiting for? Not them? They’re probably necking on my couch. Eat, Abigail,” Laura was smiling and Abby quelled hers, raising her sandwich to her mouth.

“Mom, I heard that!” Iyra walked into the room, hand in hand with Lev.

Laurel shot the pair a knowing look. Lev reddened and Iyra hid her face with her hands.

The three of them sat down to eat and drink. Lev next to Abby and Iyra next to her mother. Abby was half way through her sandwich and thirstily drank from her glass.

“You like it?” Laurel smiled as Abby nodded. “Aloe juice and mint.”

Iyra and Lev finished their sandwiches, trading looks across the table. The two sat up at the same time.

“Dishes, Iyra,” Laurel sipped her juice as Abby pushed her plate away.

Iyra groaned. “Fine.” Lev joined her, stacking Abby and Laurel’s plate on top of his.

“Such a gentleman,” Laurel remarked. “I appreciate you, Lev.”

Laurel waited until the teens’ footsteps faded out of earshot and shared the faucet with Abby as they washed their hands. Laurel led Abby to the living room. Abby blew her breath out nervously as she sat down, the smell of herbs filled the air.

She stared at the wooden table in front of her.

“Your hair,” Laurel sat down next to her on the sofa and touched the braid. “I like the way you wear it, it makes you look elegant.”

“Thank you,” Abby replied. Elegant? I’m just keeping it out of my face.

“Unburden your heart, Abby,” Laurel said, squeezing Abby’s hand. “I won’t tell a soul.”

Abby breathed in. She didn’t say anything for a moment. She was thinking of the dream she awoke from.

“If I leave…” Abby paused. “Will you watch over Lev for me?”

“You have my word,” Laurel replied with a sense of dread in her eyes.

“And if I don’t come back…” Abby breathed in, her eyes closing. “Will you raise him for me?”

“My word is my bond.”

“I don’t want him to follow me,” Abby whispered, her heart pounded at the thought.

“I won’t let him,” Laurel whispered back. “Give me your word, Abby.”

Abby gave the woman a look of confusion.

“Tell me you’ll come back,” Laurel pleaded.

“I can’t guarantee—” Abby knew the stakes.

“Yes, you can,” Laurel whispered. “You’re no sheep. You’re a Wolf.”

Abby sighed. “My word is my bond.”

Laurel excused herself for a moment and Abby took in the living room as she and Laurel communed in the kitchen. Laurel had a gorgeous tapestry of a wheel.

I recognize those symbols. Leah had a book with them all over it.

When Laurel returned, she placed a deck of cards in front of Abby.

“What is this? Are we playing War?”

Laurel laughed and shook her head. “No, but we will when you return. Do you know where you’re going?”

“No,” Abby admitted.

“Then shuffle until your heart tells you to stop.”

Abby picked up the deck and started to overhand shuffle, glancing at Laurel. She continued, her eyes closed as the cards slid into each other and over each other. Abby put down the deck and cut it into seven piles. She rearranged the piles on top of each other without thinking.

She flipped the first card, recognizing the artwork. Leah was into this, too. She remembered asking Leah if she was going to get caught sneaking out.

Abby looked at Laurel, then back to the card. A person laying awake in a dark room, their face in their hands, swords stacked on the walls above them. Abby bit her lip and flipped the next one, a person, their back to Abby walking away underneath the light of a Crescent Moon.

Abby flipped the next card and moved to turn the card upright, but Laurel stopped her. “It is significant in that position, too.” At first glance, it looked like a compass.

Abby picked the next card, putting it on the table and looking over the others. It was a woman on a throne with a wand in her hand. There was a black cat sitting at her feet. This card was upside down as well.

Abby flipped the next card. An armored skeleton on a white horse, holding a flag with a flower. There was a body underneath the horse, a man pleading on his knees and more. The word DEATH jumped out at Abby.

Abby scoffed and Laurel leaned over, pulling the stuck card free. Laurel set it down. It was a woman surrounded by swords in the earth, she was blindfolded and tied up.

“Alright, I’ll bite. What does this mean?” Abby crossed her arms, trying to quell the uneasiness within her. Leah used these to have fun, but something told Abby that Laurel didn’t have the same motivation.

“You’ll be leaving Jackson to return to somewhere familiar to you. There’s a woman here,” Laurel pointed at the upside down queen. “She’s weakened, I see blood all over her.”

“What if I don’t leave?” Abby challenged.

“Your conscience won’t let you stay,” Laurel pointed to the person in their bed with their face in their hands. “You’ve been dreaming of her.”

She’s better than Leah, Abby thought, running her thumb over her finger.

“Where am I going?” Abby asked softly.

Laurel gestured to the card that looked like a compass and the card that spoke of death. “Back to the beginning… where you were weak and powerless, where you lost someone.”

Abby swallowed. I never told her about my father.

Laurel asked again, “Do you know where you’re going?”

“Yeah,” Abby whispered.

Laurel touched the card of death and the card with the woman tied and blindfolded. “It will be dangerous even when you think it’s safe. You need to be careful this time. Watch your back.”

Laurel flipped the deck. Abby honed in. It was a card with a Full Moon facing them. Two wolves howling at the celestial body, a scorpion in between them.

“What does that mean?” Abby looked at the path, it seemed endless. She looked at the wolves.  The card unsettled her and she didn’t know why.

“I’m not sure,” Laurel bit her lip. “But you’ll find out.”

Iyra and Lev came down the stairs as Laurel packed up the cards. “Mom, is there any chicken left?” Iyra spotted the deck. “Were you reading Abby? Is she getting a boyfriend soon?”

“In the kitchen, my love, and yes, a handsome soldier,” Laurel told one truth and a lie. Iyra giggled, leaning against the frame of the wall as Lev stood behind her.

“Last summer, my mom said I’d meet a boy, someone new to Jackson,” She glanced back at Lev. “She was right! I can’t wait to meet your husband, Abby.”

Great, she has a track record, Abby thought.

“Me, too,” she said softly.

Iyra ducked into the kitchen. Lev glanced at the deck on the table, then at Abby and saw the brief sadness flash across her face. Abby saw the mistrust in his eyes and looked away. Lev turned and followed Iyra into the kitchen.

“Young love, right?” Laurel nudged Abby’s arm, then put something in her hand, pressing her mouth to her ear. “This will protect you like it protected me.”

Abby opened her hand. It was a Wolf fang on a chain.

“Remember who you are,” Laurel whispered.

×

The sun had set and Maria, Michael, Tommy were sitting around the table playing cards and drinking when they heard a soft knock at the door.

“Michael, go get that, my leg is bad today,” Tommy ordered, sipping his whiskey sour.

Michael snorted. “How do I know you’re not gonna look at my cards when my back’s turned?”

“Because I already saw, you got no Kings or Queens, no doubles or triples and you’re gonna fucking lose… again.” Tommy slammed his hand on the table, laughing as Michael seethed.

“Go get the goddamn door, Michael,” Maria groaned, hitting Tommy's shoulder. “We’ll start the game over.”

Michael walked out of the kitchen and opened the door, his mouth opened in shock.

Abby was shivering in her hoodie, her face flushed from the cold. Her hair was down, framing her face underneath the hood.

“Now, who the hell is that?” Tommy yelled from the next room.

“Me,” Abby called.

“Me who?” Tommy called back, looking at Maria. “Lemme see ya.”

Abby walked through, pulling her hood down. Her eyes briefly met Michael’s as he shut them in. Abby walked in front of the table and Michael followed.

“Well, look what the cat dragged in,” Tommy squinted at Abby with his good eye. “Better be worth it if you were interrupting our game.”

“Fuck you, Tommy, you were cheating anyway,” Michael spat.

“What do you need, Abby?” Maria asked. Her cheeks were a little red from the alcohol. She started to drink.

“I need you,” Abby breathed in, her hands balled up in her gloves, then breathed out as she said, “to let me leave to go find her.”

Maria swallowed her drink hard. “Excuse me?”

Tommy raised his glass. “We don’t have enough men to help us with that situation, Abby, but we appreciate your change of heart. Better late than never, I guess.”

“I can go by myself!” Abby argued.

“No, you can’t,” Michael’s voice was sharp.

Abby pushed him and Michael regained his balance. “You don’t fucking know what I’m capable of!”

“No fighting,” Maria scolded, standing up. “Let me get this straight, you want to go find Ellie?”

Abby nodded.

“I’m coming with you,” Michael stared at Abby. His eyes floated to the necklace she was wearing.

“No,” Maria and Abby said at the same time. Maria continued. “Michael, I need you here.” Michael started to argue, but Tommy spoke up again.

“Not a single one of my goddamn ties has heard anything about her, how in the hell are you going to find her?” Tommy asked.

“Just trust me,” Abby braced herself on the table. “I think I know where she went.”

Maria stood up and went through one of her drawers. She grabbed a map of the tri-state area and placed it on the table.

“Show me, Abby,” Maria ordered, handing her a marker. Michael and Tommy leaned in as Abby dragged her finger across the map. She circled Salt Lake City, Utah.

“She went on foot, right?” Abby asked.

“She did,” Maria confirmed. “And then there was another storm. It probably slowed her down.”

“If she’s there, then she’s been there for a while.” Michael argued.

“Doesn’t matter.” Abby said. “People camp out all the time when they travel.”

“Why would she be there?” Maria asked.

“It’s where she was supposed to die,” Abby replied, crossing her arms. “It’s close. It’s a lead. I gotta see it through.” She paused, the words were so familiar to her and they slipped out of her mouth so easily. She closed her eyes, sighing and tapping the tip of her boot on Maria's floor.

“It’s a fucking guess, Abby,” Tommy stared at the woman.

“Supposed to die?” Michael was in the dark, but Maria and Tommy knew what she was referring to.

Maria sighed. “What if she’s dead already?”

“She can’t be,” Abby said, remembering Laurel’s words.

“When you do want to leave?” Maria asked.

“Tomorrow morning, sunrise,” Abby replied.

Tommy scoffed, leaning towards Abby with his arms on the table. “Your guilty conscience is going to get you killed, girl. If I were you, I’d just sit my ass in Jackson, enjoy the running water and electricity and wait for her to show her face again.”

“That’s not what you fucking did when you came after me,” Abby retorted.

Tommy stood up. “I’m not sure you wanna revisit that with me, girl.”

Maria held her hands up. “Stop it.” Maria’s blue eyes were on Abby’s face. “Is Lev coming with you?”

“No, Laurel will be watching him,” Abby inhaled. “You can’t let him leave. He’ll try to come after me.”

Maria nodded. “Laurel’s trustworthy, a smart woman.”

“Let’s say you find her, let’s say you cross paths.” Tommy paused, staring into his whiskey sour, then staring at Abby. “What makes you think Ellie will come back with you?” Tommy asked.

“She’s not getting a choice.” Abby said.

“Sounds familiar,” Tommy laughed bitterly, remembering how Joel bursted into Maria’s house a few years back before he went to Salt Lake City.

“What if something goes wrong?” Michael asked.

“She handles herself better than many of the men I know, Michael,” Tommy said. “Ellie, too.”

Abby nodded.

“Okay,” Maria sat down. “Scope it out. If you find anything of hers, like her jacket or her backpack, even a body,” Maria sighed, “Come straight back here. I’ll meet you tomorrow at 7:30 in the morning to let you out with Diablo at the West gate. You’re gonna head towards the sunrise and run straight into 189.”

Tommy edged the map towards him and grabbed the marker. He started to mark up the map. He pointed to a road. “That’ll lead you to I-15 once you’re in Utah. Straight shot to Salt Lake City. I assume you know that city.”

“Yeah,” Abby replied.

Tommy handed her the map. “Go home and get some rest.”

Abby tucked the map into her pocket and left. She was a few paces from Maria’s house when she heard footsteps behind her. She turned around.

“You sure you wanna go through with this?” Michael asked, walking up to Abby.

“I have to,” Abby replied softly.

Michael reached for her hand. Abby didn’t pull away. “You don’t have to go at it alone, Abby.” It was the first time he called the woman by her name and he hoped it wouldn’t be the last.

“Then you forgot who I am,” Abby said, letting go of the ex-Firefly’s hand to continue walking home as the Moon rose in the sky before her.

×

Abby took a long shower when she woke up. She didn’t know if it would be her last, so she relished in it. She scrubbed herself raw as the hot water ran over her skin. She rinsed the soap out of her hair standing under the stream of water. She sighed unhappily as she turned off the water, grabbing the towel and throwing her head down, wrapping her hair in the towel.

Abby wiped the foggy mirror with her hand. She looked at herself from the waist up.

You can do it, Abby. Just find out if she’s there and bring her back.

Abby grabbed another towel for her body, wrapped it around herself and walked into her bedroom. She scanned the clock.

Lev will be up in an hour, right as I’m leaving out.

Abby squeezed her hair until it was semi-dry. She brushed it back away from her face and started the braid. Her fingers added hair onto the strand until she reached just above her neck. She finished the rest of the braid and secured it.

Abby got dressed, her most secure sports bra, a dark green one, a white tank top and finally, a black thermal longsleeve. She slid a pair of black underwear on, then a pair of black jeans on. Abby donned a pair of black knit gloves and threw her leather fingerless gloves into her backpack, then slid her black hat over her head. She finished off with her jacket and put her arms through the backpack straps.

Abby grabbed her military rifle and her shotgun out of the gun case and shouldered them, slipped her pistol into the holster around her belt. She slowly closed her bedroom door behind her. She peeked into Lev’s bedroom quietly. She took him in.

You’re just a kid just like I was. You need to be a kid.

She closed his door and walked down the stairs. She put on her boots at the door and closed it quietly behind her.

A fog loomed over Jackson this morning as Abby walked. She could smell the rain in the air. Abby navigated her way to the North Gate.

“You’re early,” Maria remarked as Abby walked up. Maria glanced at Tommy next to her and Abby saw Michael behind them, holding a frustrated Diablo. The gate was open already and Abby looked to the sky.

Sunrise is probably ten minutes away.

“Yeah,” Abby replied, blowing her breath.

Tommy spoke next, “In and out, Abby. If she gives you shit, guilt trip her about Dina and JJ, that’ll press her buttons just right. If she swings at you because of that, which she will, hit her back and make it hard enough to knock her out. Tie her up on the back of Diablo and bring her home.”

Maria opened her bag for Abby to see and set it on the floor. “I can’t give you much, but here’s some ammo. I’ll put it in your bag.” Maria moved behind Abby, unzipping her backpack and stuffed the ammo in her backpack.

“It shouldn’t take you too long. Three days is pushing it, but knowing Ellie, she’ll give you a run for your money. Anything after four days, we’ll dig two graves for the both of you. Understand?” Maria looked at Abby in her eyes.

“Loud and clear,” Abby replied.

The three of them exited the gate, Michael gently coaxing Diablo out.

Michael gave her Diablo’s reins, but didn’t let go.

“Nothing is stopping—” Abby started to say.

Abby froze as she heard her name being screamed.

Shit.

“Abby!” Lev ran out of the fog. “Abby, please! Don’t leave!”

Abby swallowed, dropped her backpack and opened her arms as Lev got closer. He slammed into her and she almost lost her balance. Lev was sobbing and gasping. She held him close.

“It’s fucking cold out here, what are you doing?” Abby removed her hat and placed it on his head, then zipped up his jacket, sighing.

“So you—you were just going to fucking leave me and not say anything? You’re not going to take me with you? I heard you packing last night!” Lev collapsed to his knees and Abby met him on the ground. Tears fell from his eyes.

“I just need to lighten the load a bit,” Abby whispered. “Come on, Lev, stand up.” She lifted the boy to his feet.

She glanced at Tommy, Michael and Maria’s faces, a mix of conflict and pity.

“What if you get jumped by Infected?” Lev asked. “What if you get captured?” Lev shoved Abby, sobbing. “Did you forget what happened to us in California? Do you ever think, Abby?”

Abby grabbed Lev’s arms, pulling him in and enunciating every word. “I didn’t forget what happened to us.”

Lev cried and Guilt tore through Abby. “You're gonna let me do this.” Abby squeezed his arms. “I’ll just be gone for four days, maybe less, nothing more.”

“Take me with you, Abby,” Lev begged, breathing hard.

Abby let go of the boy’s arm and grasped his face. “Look at me, listen—You need to be here with Iyra and Laurel. You need to be a kid.” She wiped away one of his tears with her gloved thumb, sighing. “I didn’t get to be a kid.”

“And if you fucking die? Then I'll—I’ll be just like you,” Lev was clinging to Abby’s arms.

“You’ll be nothing like me,” Abby hissed. “There will be nobody to find. You won’t repeat any of my mistakes, you hear me? If I die, you honor me and Yara by living your life, Lev.”

Abby squeezed her eyes closed, grasping his face. “Let go of me, Lev.” The boy wouldn’t. “Let go,” Abby said softly. Lev loosened his grip.

“That’s it, kid. Let me go,” Abby whispered, then the boy’s arms dropped to his sides. Abby squeezed the fang around her neck, then let go.

Abby turned to Michael, Maria and Tommy. “Do what you have to do to keep him safe.” Maria moved behind Lev, rubbing the boy’s shoulders.  

The sun was rising over the mountains. It made Abby’s face glow as she mounted the horse. She got a better grip on her reins and the black stallion stamped his hooves.

Abby took a deep breath and Lev yelled, “May your survival be long, Wolf!”

Abby let out a soft laugh, looking at Lev’s watery eyes. “And may my death be swift.”

Abby whispered a command to the horse and took off with great speed into the yellow and green field towards the Sun, her braid flying in the wind behind her.

Notes:

Hey, I'm on my grounded playthrough and it's very immersive. How are you guys? Did you like this chapter? Thank you for all the lovely comments and kudos, just because I don't reply doesn't mean I don't read! Be back soon!

Chapter 10: Let It Be

When I find myself in times of trouble,

Mother Mary comes to me,

Speaking words of wisdom:

Let it be

—The Beatles

×

Abby sighed as she looked up at the faded green sign. She could see the desolated city ahead. Abby closed her eyes, her fist tightening around the reins.

Abby rode to the outskirts of the city, stopping near a clearing thick with grass and a decent amount of water from the night’s rain. She slid off of Diablo, letting the horse recover. She sat down, her balance weak from the journey. She rubbed her inner thighs with firm hands, her skin bothered from the hours’ long ride.

She read her shadow. I need to get moving, it’s closer to sunset than it is to sunrise.

Diablo finished drinking and walked back over to her. He snorted.

“Break’s over?” Abby asked the stallion. “Just give me a minute, Diablo.” Abby used her hand to block the sun as she made out the mountains framing the haunted skyline. Her eyes fell on the buildings, a memory resurfacing.

Abby’s father pointed at the metropolis, the all but few structures lost to the curse of time and pestilence. He squeezed her shoulder as he crouched besides her. “You see the church, Abs?”

She was gazing past the towers of steel where the mountains met the gold and rose sky, the Sun an hour away from its descent below the horizon.

“Yeah, Dad,” Abby squinted with her steel blue eyes, following his finger.

“How about that big business building?” Jerry asked. He wasn’t looking at the skyline, he was staring at her.

“Uh-huh,” Abby mashed her lips together, seeing the building.

“Now, look to your right and tell me what you see.” He glanced out at Salt Lake City, then back to her.

Abby’s eyes tracked right. “That’s our home, Saint Mary's Hospital.”

Jerry’s hand left her shoulder and gently tugged at her hand. She turned to him, saw the delight to teach in his eyes, but something else beneath that. “If you’re ever out here for whatever reason, Abs, and you don’t know where to go, look for the church, the business building and come home. I won’t be mad, just come home. Hide if you need to, run if you have to, I’ll be waiting.”

She clenched her jaw as she saw the hospital and let out a breath.

Stay focused, Abby. Remember why you returned.

Abby mounted Diablo, circled the reins around her hand with a rotation of her wrist, murmuring, “Go!”

The world around her blurred as the horse pushed forward.

As Abby neared the abandoned Quarantine Zone, she pulled the reins, “Whoa, Diablo, easy.” She rode through what the gates used to be, just slabs of concrete and rusted metal from the Fireflies breaking their way in.

Abby pulled out her gun and kept her eyes on the windows and open spaces of the intact buildings warily. She tried not to let her mind play tricks on her, but the edge wouldn’t give.

It’s been years, people would’ve passed through here, maybe stayed here.

Abby rode through the city. It was quiet. The deeper she went into the city, the more her stomach turned.

I have to find shelter if I don’t find her first.

Abby tried to think of places to camp out, somewhere other than there, but she came up dry.

I’ll figure it out.

Abby rode over the tracks of the transit system, Diablo’s hooves clattering against the street. It was familiar, something she previously memorized. Even though years had gone by, the journey jogged her memory.

From door to door, to broken window to broken window, Abby observed from the middle of the street.

Her busy eyes followed the sound of snarling, hungry Infected. She spotted three Runners up ahead, stumbling out of a broken window, one impaled on glass, bleeding and hissing.

Better to kill them. Runners only attract more Infected and a group of them can turn into a horde before I know it.

She aimed and fired at them one by one, passing by them and hearing their final croaks.

Gotta keep moving, someone or something may have ears out.

She continued for the next few blocks, her eyes lingering on open spaces in any building, shaking off the feeling of fear when she thought she saw shadows passing behind windows.

It’s a ghost town, but I can’t let my guard down, Abby thought, pulling off her glove and shaking her sweaty palm in the frigid air.

Abby grabbed her pistol, pointing it to test her grip. She gloved her hand.

She rode through the barren streets with the Sun tracking its path across the sky for several minutes more, every passed landmark giving way to stories that Abby believed she put to rest.

Abby stopped at an intersection, looking to the left, then the right, a gasp leaving her lips. Her eyes went up.

The rush of nostalgia surged and Diablo got skittish. “Easy, boy, easy, we’re okay,” she whispered to the stallion, grounding him with a gentle tug of the reins. “That’s a gentle giant.”

On the next block, a giraffe strode by, the pattern of its brown and cream coat glowing underneath the Salt Lake Sun. Abby smiled and Diablo shuffled, unnerved.

Lev, I wish you could see this. It’s a miracle the Infected haven’t taken them all out. Abby waited, seeing the giraffe turn towards the light. She blocked out the Sun with her hand, squinting so she could have this memory burned into her brain to describe it to Lev if she made it back. Abby and the giraffe’s paths diverted, then she folded her tongue in her mouth, clicked twice.

Abby continued through the fallen city slowly, coming to a hall of stores, picked cleaned with nothing but the bare mannequins. Her eyes caught red graffiti. She slipped down from Diablo and walked up to the wall.

She touched the red Firefly insignia, thinking back.

“Abby, vámonos!” Manny urged. Owen ran ahead of them,

Abby pumped her legs harder, the dry Salt Lake air making her lungs burn. “I’m not as quick as you!”

Owen slid to a stop and Manny collided into his back. Abby stopped, breathing hard. When she caught her breath, she walked up to her friends.

“This is where we saw it, Abs! It hangs around this area!” Owen said. “Let’s just wait here.”

“Wait?” Abby asked, her voice high and soft. “We can’t wait, my dad—”

“Chill out, Abby, your dad isn’t gonna lose his shit if we’re out for an extra hour,” Owen waved her off. “You could get away with murder because of him.”

The three waited around and Owen dropped his backpack, unzipping it and pulling out a can of red spray paint.

“Owen, what are you doing?” Abby narrowed her eyes at the soldier going through his backpack.

“I’m marking our territory! So the animals know who we are!” Owen shook the can, the ball inside rattling around.

Manny cackled and Abby rolled her eyes and glanced over her shoulder, making sure any Infected weren’t stumbling out of any of the stores behind them at the noise. Owen started to throw the tag up, the can hissing. He was getting quicker at it. Abby watched him work, resisting the tug of a smile at the corner of her mouth.

Abby turned as she saw a flash of orange in her peripheral just several feet away. She froze.

“Guys,” she whispered. The tiger stopped, once a figment of Abby’s imagination, stalking them with gold eyes. The beast’s ears perked, listening. Besides it, there was a cub.

The tiger and her cub lingered and Abby followed her with her eyes, lost in the sharp black streaks through the orange fur. The wild cat turned and ran, the cub following behind it.

Abby let out the breath she was holding, “Holy shit!” The three young Fireflies traded glances.

“So Abs, would you rather die getting mauled by a tiger or getting bit by a Clicker?” Manny grinned.

Owen struck him in the shoulder and Manny grunted. “Don’t say that! She’ll never come out with us again!”

Abby answered Manny, looking at Owen’s face. “A Clicker is nothing special, but a tiger is a badass way to go out.”

The hospital was in clear sight and Abby breezed down the street, trying to quell the dread that came from the unknown, the dread of failure.

Abby stopped Diablo in front of the hospital, giving herself time to survey the street.

Okay, all clear.

She stroked Diablo’s neck, scratched behind his ears when he lowered his head. “Thanks for sticking with me. I’ll be back, so don’t run off.”

She walked up to the entrance. The glass doors destroyed, some of the remnants at her feet.

She investigated the first floor, her light shining on the walls lining the nearest hallway. The doors were closed on this floor and she briefly heard footsteps next to her. She shook off the memory before it could take her over.

“Focus,” Abby told herself.

She walked the halls and the further she went, the dark it became. She pressed the button on the flashlight clipped to her jacket. The light gave way to the cracked and peeling paint on the walls. She resisted the urge to open familiar doors.

She passed the stairway to the next floor, then rounded back to it with a jog when she saw the floor was clear.

Okay, good news: No freakshow Infected, Abby thought, coming to a stairway. She entered and climbed the stairs, making it to the second floor.

She peered through the door’s window, the flecks of sickness stuck to the glass.

“Spores? Here? Goddamn it!” She dropped her backpack to the floor, unzipping and feeling for her mask, yanking it out of the bag. She slid it over her face, sighing. She adjusted the strap for a tight fit as standard protocol. It always gave her a headache, but Runners liked to pull and yank, and it took one gasp of surprise to be fucked.

Abby shouldered her bag, switched out her pistol for her rifle. She pushed the handle down with her hand and once cracked, replacing it with her shoulder.

Nice and slow, Abby, she coached herself, opening the door with her weight, gun aimed. If anything lurked up here, she wanted the advantage. She slipped through and caught the door, pushing it closed.

Quiet.

She knew this hallway. She huffed to herself, seeing the spores in the air fill the abandoned space she once called home. She went in the closest open door, a closet.

The woman’s light source showed her a deceased Clicker, restricted by a growing wall of flesh colored fungus, releasing spores.

The Infected belong anywhere else but here, Abby thought.

She huffed. It’s not my home anymore.

She swallowed hard, closing the door on the cadaver. She continued  on through the dark hall, rifle in hand.

What the hospital lacked in height, it made up for in width. Abby passed by rooms that previously held patients. She went through double doors, coming across rooms reworked into bunks.

The Two’s, Abby thought.

She stopped in front of Room 219. She opened it, sighing softly. Her bed stripped clean of its sheets. She sat on it, laying her rifle in her lap. She stared at the bed across from her, closing her eyes and let the past run through her mind.

“You and Owen are getting close,” Mel rolled over, smiling.

“He’s just a friend, Mel,” Abby pulled her blanket up over her shoulders.

“Sure, Abby,” Mel laughed. “You should see the way you look at him.”

“He’s just my—He’s not—I’m not—” Abby felt the heat in her neck and face. She was happy the room was dark, but her voice gave her away.

“Sure, Abby. Your eyes dilate when you look at him.” Mel challenged. “Your brain is releasing oxytocin and dopamine.”

“I don’t know what that fucking means,” Abby adjusted her pillow with her hands.

“They’re the ‘love hormones.’ They release whenever you’re around someone you’re attracted to, it’s human biology, the function is to eventually reproduce,” Mel explained. “Do you think about having Owen’s baby?”

“No,” Abby’s voice was muffled by the blanket to stop Mel from hearing the lie clearly. “Not in a world like this.”

“When the Fireflies create a vaccine, we’ll be able to do whatever we want,” Mel shifted in her bed, sighing.

“True,” Abby breathed out, pulling the blanket away from her face. “Who are you going to ‘reproduce’ with? What about that soldier, his name’s Caleb? He was asking questions about the human body just to hear you talk.”

“Him? No way, Abby. He’s nice, but I don’t want a soldier,” Mel let out a laugh.

“Why?” Abby asked. “Soldiers will protect you.”

“I hope that by the time we’re older, we don’t need to be protected from anything or anyone.” Mel rolled over in her bed.

Abby slid her foot on the floor from where she sat. “Wishful thinking.” She remembered the dead bodies lining the halls of Catalina Island. The hope she held was snuffed out like a candle flame, a familiar feeling to accompany the tragedies of her short life.

Abby stood up, rifle in hand and ducked out the door, closing it behind her. She passed through the remainder of Two’s and into the Three's. She couldn’t help herself, her feet had a mind of their own. She went through another pair of double doors, hearing her own breathing pick up in her mask.

The Four's.

Abby stood outside of room 416—Nora. Leah.

Her legs felt weak and she lost balance, falling to her knees, staring up at the closed door and within seconds, she couldn’t see hear her own breaths, feel her own fingers. She saw herself, Nora and Leah sitting at the orphan’s sides against the wall, Nora’s kneeled next to Abby and Abby’s knees were drawn into her chest, hiding her face.

Nora’s hand smoothed back her hair, and Leah squeezing Abby’s shoulder as she sobbed.

Nora hushed her when her cries peaked and her gasps for air were strangled, her voice cracking.

“Abby, I need you to breathe slowly, you’re having a—” Nora squeezed her hand.

“She’s gotta get it out somehow, Nora, it’s not good for her to just shut down,” Leah argued softly.

Abby let out a blood curdling scream, it echoed off the walls.

It was Mel’s voice next, clambering to her knees and her hands gently trying to pull orphan's arm away, but Abby flinched and Mel stopped, choosing to rub her hand between her shoulder blades. Mel, Leah and Nora talked back and forth to each over Abby, but Abby couldn’t hear a thing they said. Mel simply squeezed one of Abby’s hands and excused herself. She snuck away from reporting who was dead and how they died. She was needed back.

When Abby raised her head, all she could say is, “My dad, my dad, my dad,” a broken record, skipping with no telling what the rest of the song would be.

“I know, I know, I know,” Leah whispered to her, pressing her lips to Abby’s hair. The two held their broken friend for minutes more, shushing her cries.

“I love you, Abby,” Nora whispered. “He loved you.”

Abby inhaled and exhaled quickly, then she would breathe in, tears sliding down her cheeks only to let go of a shaking breath.

“I need—I—Can you walk me outside?” Abby looked into Nora’s eyes, filled with sympathy.

“Yeah, come on, girl,” Nora said, nodding at Leah and together, they rose and lifting Abby up. The two friends took Abby’s arms and draped them over their shoulders, steadying her as they started to walk out of the Four’s.

Abby kept her eyes on the floor and she was sure Nora was signaling the other Fireflies to stay away, to say nothing. Nora was protective like that.

When she breathed in the outside air and took in the Salt Lake Sun on the horizon, she didn’t feel clearer, she felt farther. It was like she was standing there, but her mind was elsewhere. Nora and Leah held her hands and it kept a small part of her tethered to this bleak moment.

Abby panted softly, her hand on her chest while she sat on the tiled floor in the dark hallway. Her heart thundered in her ears. She stared up at the raised numerals next to the door through her mask, unable to think clearly as she stood, just like before except Nora wasn’t here, she was more than likely a battered and broken skeleton in the depths of the Seattle Hospital.

Her feet carried her again, dragging against the floor and the only thought in her head was, The Fives’ which wasn’t as coherent as she wanted it to be. She had no reason.

She sighed, her hand on the door handle. Her tired eyes scan the number, room 508. She stepped in and closed it behind her. She walked to the window, squeezed the lever between her index and pointer finger, then forced it back with a squeak. The cool air rushed into the room and Abby removed her mask to breathe it in, tossing it behind her on the cot as she looked at the Sun, lower in the sky and it’s Owen’s voice that comes through.

His knuckles were white as he squeezed a fist, “Caleb told Mel with his last breath it was the fucking smuggler.”

“Joel,” Abby whispered. She was sitting on the cot.

“What?” Owen turned around from the window, walking closer to Abby. He kneeled in front of her, took her hand, his thumb stroking the back of her hand. Abby wanted to pull away.

“His name is Joel,” Abby spoke through her teeth.

Owen breathed out, closing his eyes. He could hear the pain in Abby’s voice, but there was something else he couldn’t place.

He chose his next words carefully. “The Fireflies voted this morning.”

“Voted on what?” Abby tried to search Owen’s face for a clue, but he was looking away from her. Finally, he turned to her.

“We’re disbanding.” Owen watched Abby close her eyes and shake her head in denial.

“No,” Abby whispered.

“We can’t stay here, Abby, it’s not safe, and Marlene—We found Marlene in the parking garage with a bullet in her head. Your father is dead. Mel said even if we found them—”

“Without my father, there’s no vaccine,” Abby finished. She knew this before anyone else. Reality was more than a bitter pill with no water. A future without her father was a broken future.

“Abby, listen to me,” Owen leaned in as the girl’s eyes jumped around the room, his hands tight around her shoulders. “Jordan was telling me about a group in Seattle, they’re called the Washington Liberation Front—If we find them and get in, we’ll be safe.”

“It can’t be for nothing.” Abby choked out.

“Abby,” Owen pleaded. “Did you hear me?”

“He can’t get away with this,” Abby clenched her fists in her lap.

“Abby, you saw what he did—”

“I know what he fucking did, Owen,” she lashed out, blinking back tears. “He killed my dad. I want him dead.”

“I want him dead, too, Abby, but if you think I’m gonna go and find him for you—I can’t put my life at risk. We don’t even know where he went with her,” Owen tried to get through to Abby, but she was gone.

“No,” Abby shook her head. “I’ll kill him.”

“Abby, have you lost your fucking mind?” Owen reeled back, letting go of her.

“You want what I want, right?” Abby seethed, her nostrils flaring and her eyes lawless.

It registered on Owen’s face. He looked at the small girl sitting in front of him, shaking and pouring over with despair and anger. She wasn’t the same since her father died, but she was still Abby and he loved her anyway.

Owen took the girl into his arms and her rage dissolved into grief, the weight of her slumping against him as she cried softly.

“Abby,” he mumbled into her hair. “Abby, Abby, Abby.”

Abby opened her eyes as another cold breeze came through the window. She stared at the Sun in the sky.

I’m losing daylight.

She took a deep breath before donning her mask and turned to the door, leaving the room. She took the nearest stairway up, rifle in hand. She jogged up the stairs, lingering at the door. She opened it and began to walk.

If not here, then where?

She passed through a pair of double doors and froze.

Her heart quickened as she saw a trail of blood. Abby kneeled down and made out half a footprint from a sneaker. Abby inspected the blood, stepping forward and estimating the trail was several feet long.

This is fresh. If it’s her, she’s leaking.

Abby shined her light in two doors across from each other, then moved ahead.

I wish Lev was with me. She shook off the thought. No, he doesn’t need to be here. He needs to be safe.

She turned the corner, eyes on the blood trail and then she felt her body hit the ground, her rifle slipping from her fingers, then the weight. Abby panted through her mask, holding her hands up to block the swings. She moved to swing back and then she grunted as she was struck in the face.

Motherfucker—

She could see its face, once human, a male with branches of fungus coming through one of its shoulders, one through its eye, caked with dry blood. She tried to push its arms, its chest away from her. She thrashed, she couldn’t reach her pistol, blocked by the Infected's thighs.

The Stalker pushed Abby’s face against the floor to expose her neck,  and she whimpered, hearing the cracking of its jaw as it opened its mouth.

Abby’s ears rung and the blood spattered on the goggles of her mask, the weight of the Stalker slumping against her. She shoved it off, groaning.

Déjà vu.

Her heart was far from steady as she heard quiet footsteps walk in front of her.

“There’s no spores here,” the voice said. “The others are hiding.”

Abby yanked off her mask and looked up. Ellie stood, holding her rifle. She was pale and her hands were shaking. Abby got to her feet and Ellie tossed the rifle at her.

Ellie’s jacket was slung over her left shoulder and on her right, she bled heavily, her blue shirt soaked all the way down to the top of her jeans. Abby swallowed hard.

“How many?” Abby asked.

“I saw three, but I heard more.” Ellie gestured behind her with a flick of her head at the double doors.

Abby passed through the doors, then pressed herself to the wall in the hallway full of crates. She crouched beside the nearest. She took her fingers and placed them in her mouth, folding her tongue. She whistled, high, sharp and long, a trick Lev showed her for luring them out.

She heard three of them come running. She stood up and aimed, pressing the trigger with the first Stalker running towards her. The next one stumbled over the other’s body, the third not far behind and Abby shot before it could hit the ground, quickening its fall. Abby shot the last, knowing her shots would attract the rest. She heard the gun fire off behind her.

Ellie was leaning against the doorway, breathing hard. “Four,” she said. Abby glanced past Ellie, the Stalker twitching on the floor.

Abby walked further down the hallway, careful footing before each crate, peeking and aiming with her gun. She came across two doors across from each other again. She paused and Ellie passed her, pressing against the other door.

Ellie went through the other and gasped as she was shoved against the wall. Her revolver clattered to the floor. The other Stalker reaching over its mutated twin to hit her in the face, Ellie thrashed against the weight of both of them, grunting and cursing. It grabbed her jaw, shoved her head back against the wall and exposed her neck and a gun went off, then again. The two of them dropped.

Abby reloaded her rifle silently.

“Thanks,” Ellie mumbled, picking up her revolver.

“Yeah,” Abby responded.

Abby waited for Ellie to catch up, the smell of blood and sweat filling her nose. “I think that’s it.”

The two women walked to the end of the hallway and Ellie staggered, braced herself against the door. Abby shined her light on Ellie and Ellie held her hand up.

“Fuck,” she whispered.

A sheen of cold sweat coated Ellie’s forehead and neck.

She’s not far from going into shock. I have to keep her alive or I’m bringing back a body.

“What happened?”

“I tried pulling this loose metal bar off the wall and I heard one of those fucks behind me. I turned around and it shoved me into the end of it,” Ellie whispered.

Abby blew her breath and opened the next door. “Follow me.” Ellie followed her through the doors and down the hall and Abby opened a door.

“There’s gotta be stuff still here somewhere, we didn’t take everything.” Abby murmured. She didn’t waste time. She jogged out of the room before Ellie could say a single word.

Ellie pressed her hand to her wound, cursing under her breath.

When the shooting stopped, Ellie dragged her feet to the stairway and leaned against the wall, her eyes on the window in the door. Ellie shifted weight from one foot to the other, grasping her shoulder. She waited as minutes went by.

Abby walked through the door, looking at Ellie, then looking away.  

“Why were you waiting by the door?” Abby asked, her eyes on her feet. It reminded her of Lev.

“Waiting for you,” Ellie followed behind her.

“I was waiting, too,” Abby let Ellie pick up the pieces. “Come on, this way.” Abby led Ellie down three different hallways. Abby stood at the doors and swore when the door wouldn’t give. She shouldered her rifle and grabbed the door handle. She bent her knees and pushed, grunting as she strained.

The barricades fell loudly on the other side and Abby stopped herself from falling, her hand gripping the inside of the door. Abby stepped over the barricade, turning to look at Ellie’s face.

Abby walked around the room, her light skating on the wall. The blonde opened drawers, closets and the occasional abandoned backpack as Ellie watched.

Abby pulled out a metal chair. “Sit here.”

Ellie sat, gritting her teeth as she leaned back. “Fuck.”

Abby walked over, dropping her backpack on the floor. Her jacket fell on top of the backpack. Abby pulled off her black thermal. She was plenty warm anyway. Ellie looked up to see Abby’s stomach, the muscles lean and taut beneath the skin as the woman pulled her white tank over her head, leaving only a band of green across her chest.

Abby kneeled and started to rip the white fabric into strips with her hands, draping them in Ellie’s lap. “Take off your shirt.”

Ellie did, using her good hand to try to peel the shirt from her body. Her bra strap was ripped in the confrontation. It hurt to reach and pull. The skin above her collarbone was burning.

Abby reached out, freezing when Ellie jerked back, her hand hanging in the air.

“Let me help,” Abby read the mistrust in Ellie’s eyes. “I’m not gonna—” Abby started to say, watching Ellie’s jaw clench.

“Hurry the fuck up!” Ellie hissed through her teeth.

Abby ignored Ellie’s words, reminding herself of what Dina said about her. She fished out a pair of surgical gloves out of a box she salvaged and they snapped her wrists as she let go. She cut the shirt up the middle, then the sleeves. Abby peeled the blood-soaked shirt away from Ellie’s body, throwing it on the floor.

Abby leaned in and jerked back, gasping. Above the swollen and bloody entry point of the metal bar was a crown of broken, bleeding skin.

Ellie caught the word forming on the girl’s lips, “Christ!”

She’s freaked out. Probably used to fucking shooting someone when they get bit. She would’ve shot me for less, Ellie thought.

Abby’s hands reached around Ellie and pinched the clasp, the bra gave and Ellie’s breath hitched. Abby cut the other strap with her knife and pulled the bra away from Ellie’s chest. Ellie refused to face her, fixing her sight on a poster detailing the symptoms of the flu. Abby threw the bra on the floor.

 She pulled a bottle of alcohol out with a proper rag and drenched it. She squeezed the excess. “Just relax, yeah?”

You relax, Ellie finally set her eyes on Abby once she moved back, watching her hand tremble.

Ellie wanted to recoil, but she let Abby gather the courage and  clean her bite and wound, wincing as Abby dabbed and wiped with a light hand.

Ellie thought it, but she didn’t dare speak it. Weird, I’m used to her fists.

Abby breathed softly as she cleaned her up, removing the rag, the ghost of a flinch on Ellie’s face.  “It really tore into you.”

Ellie didn’t reply, closing her eyes when Abby pressed the bloodied rag back to her wound. She screamed when the Stalker pushed her, the bar ripping through her skin. She held onto its arms, pulling it onto the bar with her. The creature sunk its teeth in and she screamed louder and she thought of Joel, wishing he was there to save her.

She shoved the Stalker off with all her strength, screaming as she wrenched away from the bar and fell on top of the Stalker. Leaking blood, the girl felt for her knife and stabbed it in its neck. She crawled into a closet and waited for Death.

“Hold that there, apply as much pressure as you can,” Abby’s hand slipped down and Ellie’s hand replaced hers. Abby moved around to Ellie’s back. She poured the alcohol on the entry wound and Ellie winced. She removed the rag with a new one and applied firm pressure and Ellie cursed. Abby waited, counting seconds into minutes in her head as the rag became more warm and damp in her hand.

This is bad, Abby closed her eyes, holding the rag against her skin.

Abby reached over into her open backpack, grabbing another two salvaged rags, tossing one into Ellie’s lap. “Switch, she urged, replacing the blood-soaked rag and applying pressure.

After twenty minutes, the bleeding seemed to slow. Abby checked the entry and the exit.

She was probably panicking and it was making her bleed more, Abby thought, reaching for the strips of cloth. She started to wrap Ellie’s wound, looping the fabric under her armpit, stretching, folding over and tucking as she’d been taught by her father.

Abby tucked the fabric into itself one last time and hoped it would stay put. “This is temporary until we leave. I have to stitch you up.”

Ellie scoffed.

She watched the runaway relax as she stepped away from her. Ellie dug in her backpack, fishing out another longsleeve. She carefully put it on, sleeves first, then using her good hand to stretch the opening, forcing her head through. She stood up and pulled the shirt down, wincing.

Ellie mumbled something under her breath, but Abby didn’t catch it.  She hoped it was Ellie thanking her and yet she would settle for an insult.

Abby packed her stuff up and shouldered her guns. “I won’t be too long.”

“I’m coming with you,” Ellie replied, putting on her jacket and shouldering her backpack.

“Fine,” Abby replied. “Stay close.”

Abby and Ellie walked around the corner in the old ICU unit. She cut through a nurse’s station and sighed as she walked through a wooden door.

She sat down in the squeaky office chair, using her feet to pivot her around. She pressed her fingertips to her temple, eyes closed. She opened her eyes and Ellie was observing her quietly.

“What was it like here?”

Why does she care? Abby bit her lip, her hands smoothing over the aged wood of the desk and then she answered. “This was my dad’s office. We were like any other group of Fireflies, you know the stories.”

Ellie casted her eyes away from Abby. “This was different.”

Ellie didn’t expect Abby to go on, but she did. “I grew up feeling safe because of them, because of my dad. He was there when I was initiated into the Fireflies.”

“Killing an Infected.” Ellie knew already, her eyes honed in on a board stuck to the wall. She was staring at an x-ray of her own brain.

Abby put her feet flat against the floor and squinted at the side of Ellie’s face. “Yeah. How did you know that?”

Ellie hesitated, wondering if she should tell her.

“I had a friend who joined years ago. She’s dead now.” Ellie touched her tattooed arm, then dropped her arm to her side. Abby paused, but Ellie didn’t take the opportunity to talk about who that was.

Abby nodded. “We—All of us were a family. We mourned like one when we lost someone. No one was replaceable here. There was a curfew. Everyone had to be back before sunset. The adults around us didn’t treat us like kids. They treated us like how they treated each other. There weren’t any secrets. Everyone knew who you were.”

Ellie let out a laugh, it held no joy.

Abby leaned on the desk with her elbows, cradling her face in her hands. “None of us accepted that this was what life was supposed to be. So many people sick of fighting, sick of losing people. I remember people leaving before we found out about you.”

Ellie lifted up the papers behind the x-rays and a Polaroid picture fell to the floor. She picked it up, seeing Jerry holding a younger Abby. Abby’s eyes were scrunched together, an open mouthed smile as if she was laughing before they took it. Jerry had a soft smile on his face. She flipped it over. My greatest achievement looped together in cursive, written in black ink.

Ellie put it on the desk and Abby opened her eyes, touched the Polaroid. Abby gasped softly,

“Oh…” Abby had nothing to remember her father but fading memories, but she remembered this moment. This was tangible, something that wouldn’t bleed out on the floor, something that wouldn’t let out its last rattling breath.

“And your… your dad?” Ellie whispered.

Abby held the picture in her hands, her thumb smoothing over the photo. She sighed, lost in the image she held in her hands.

“He was busy, but he always made time for me. He taught me how to shoot and where to shoot. He had the weight of the world on his shoulders. Everyone looked at him like he was the person that could save the world... because he was going to, but I just looked at him like he was my dad. He used to say, ‘I’m a father first and a doctor second.’ He lived by that.”

Abby sighed and dropped her backpack to the floor. She fished in it and grabbed her journal, set it in her lap.

She grabbed a pen off the table, then looking in the drawer for that paper clip she saw. She flipped to a fresh page, gently clipped the Polaroid into her journal. She scribbled something.

You always find a way to let me know you’re here.

Abby put her journal back in her bag and looked up at the doorway. It was marked with marker and nicks. She looked in the desk, pushing aside items in the drawers with her hand. She pulled out a roll of measuring tape.

Ellie watched as Abby measured herself again the wall, not once, but three times with a knife. Abby stepped away and applied pressure with her knife into the wall until it gave in to the blade. Abby traced the mark with her fingers and went down to the last mark. She measured the distance between the last mark and hers.

“He said I wouldn’t grow to be 5’6,” Abby laughed softly. “Off by two inches.”

Abby walked out of the room and like a moth to a flame, she was drawn to the last floor. Abby pushed open the door to the stairway and walked up. Ellie followed behind her, giving her space.

When Ellie finished climbing the stairs, Abby was waiting, holding the door. She couldn’t see her face, but she knew she heard her given that she let go. Ellie caught the door, stepped through.

Abby was staring at the wall next to the double doors. A white arrow encased in red, next to larger capital letters in orange. PEDIATRICS.

Abby pushed one of the double doors and they shrieked, rusted from the slow death of time. Ellie walked in behind her.

Abby was silent as she walked.

Ellie recognized this hallway, but she ducked into a room to make sure. The room with all the discarded supplies. Then the next room, a smaller office, the one where she found the picture of her bite and her x-rays. She lifted the papers up again, blowing the dust off of them. Guilt swelled within her. She closed her eyes and put her backpack on the floor. She would take them this time.

Ellie exited the room and looked down the hallway.

Abby stopped where she was and without words, Ellie looked over. It was like the Firefly was in a trance.

Abby was staring at the red Firefly graffiti next to the red door, her fingertips on the wall.

Ellie went through the door and walked through the smaller hallway. Her right hand shook as she opened the last door.

Ellie paused, looking at the operating room. It felt smaller than the last time she was here.

Ellie walked to the end of operating table. She got up on it, wincing because of her wound. She sat and looked around the room. She closed her eyes to mimic a sleep she would never wake from, trying to imagine Abby’s father cutting into her scalp, pulling it back to expose her brain, how the heart monitor would cease as her heart did. She closed her eyes, placing Joel’s revolver in her lap.

“I feel so extraordinary, something’s got a hold on me, I got this feeling I’m in motion, a sudden sense of liberty, I don’t care ‘cause I’m not there and I don’t care if I’m here tomorrow, again and again, I’ve taken too much of the things that cost you too much,” Ellie sang.

“I used to think that the day would never come, I’d see the light in the shade of the morning Sun, my morning Sun is the drug that brings me near to the childhood I lost replaced by fear—” Ellie paused, hearing Abby walk in.

She listened, hearing the woman open the door and stumble to the ground, gasping. Ellie didn’t want to open her eyes.

“I used to think that the day would never come, that my life would depend on the morning Sun,” Ellie opened her left hand, feeling a sting in fingers that weren’t there, “that the day would never come…”

“When I was a small girl, very small girls talked to me, now that we’ve grown up together, they’re afraid of what they see, that’s the price that we all pay, the value of destiny comes to nothing, I can’t tell you where we’re going, I guess there was just no way of knowing,” Ellie’s breathy voice filled the empty operating room, the walls making her sound louder than she truly was.

“I used to think that the day would never come, I’d see the light in the shade of the morning Sun, my morning Sun is the drug that brings me near to the childhood I lost replaced by fear, I used to think that the day would never come and my life would depend on the morning Sun—that the day would never come.. ”

Ellie vocalized softly to a guitar she could only hear.

“I feel so extraordinary, something’s got a hold on me, I got this feeling I’m in motion, a sudden sense of liberty, the chances are we’ve gone too far—You took my time and you took my money and now I fear you left me standing in a world that’s so demanding…”

When she opened her eyes, Abby was sitting in front of the operating table, inches away from a bloodstain faded by time. Her arms crossed over her knees, her face hidden behind them. Ellie could tell from the way Abby’s shoulders heaved that she was crying silently.

Ellie didn’t know what to do or say. She squeezed the edge of the cushioned table.

He was supposed to save them all. It wasn’t just my life that meant something. They would’ve made sure everyone knew our names. Jerry Anderson and Ellie Williams. What does it fucking matter now?

Abby sniffled, wiping her tears before she looked up at Ellie. “Do you know another one?” Abby asked. “Nevermind,” she said quickly.

She thought that Ellie would walk out of the room. She couldn’t help but ask. It was like her voice tethered her to the present, kept her from spiraling.

Ellie grabbed her inherited revolver—It feels so goddamn heavy—Then she slid off the table, her sneakers felt like weights as she approached Abby. She braced herself with her left arm as she got to the floor. She sat next to her, bringing her legs in and crossing her ankles. Ellie reached out to touch the bloodstain, but she stopped herself. She let her arms rest on her knees, for now, that was comfortable enough.

Ellie remembered thumbing through Joel’s records.

“What about this guy? Do you think he’s out there somewhere?” A younger Ellie asked. Joel was being open that night—He was coming around to talking about death more. Ellie saw it as a sign of growth.

“No, kiddo,” Joel sighed. “He died when I was four or five years younger than you.” Joel scratched his beard. “Went for a swim and drowned. Lucky to die ’fore the Outbreak.”

Ellie shivered at the thought, the vinyl in her hands, “Even people who can swim good fucking drown?”

“Yeah, but don’t let that keep you from learning, Ellie,” Joel looked up from his unfinished wooden statue, setting his carving knife down.  “When the weather gets warm, we’ll be plenty wet. Put that record on.”

It doesn’t have to be just ours anymore, Ellie thought, shutting her eyes and clearing her throat. The last time she sung this song was at Joel’s grave on a summer night in Jackson and he sung it to her on his porch on a similar summer evening. She strummed her guitar and the earth of the cemetery filled her nose.

“Well, I heard there was a secret chord that David played and it pleased the Lord, but you don’t really care for music, do ya? Well, it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift, the baffled King composing ‘Hallelujah,’” Ellie breathed in.

“Hallelujah… Hallelujah… Hallelujah… Hallelujah…” from  the lips of a woman who felt like a ghost.

“Well, your faith was strong, but you needed proof, you saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty and her moonlight overthrew ya and she tied you to the kitchen chair and she broke your throne and cut your hair, and from your lips, she withdrew the ’Hallelujah,’” Ellie sang.

“Hallelujah… Hallelujah… Hallelujah… Hallelujah…” Ellie continued onto the next verse, Abby was silent next to her.

Well, baby, I’ve been here before, I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor—You know, I used to live alone before I knew ya and I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch, and love is not a victory march—It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah…

Hallelujah… Hallelujah… Hallelujah… Hallelujah…”

Ellie sighed, staring at the blood stained floor.

Abby let out a shaky breath. She got to her feet, stumbling backwards only to regain her balance.

“We should go,” Abby whispered. She was looking away from Ellie, but she held out her hand and Ellie took it, Abby helping her up with a pull.

“I have a place set up,” Ellie replied. “It’s a long walk.”

Good, Abby thought.

“We’re not walking,” Abby smoothed the stray blonde hairs away from her face.

Diablo was outside the hospital, waiting. Abby and Ellie walked through the doors. The sky was dripping gold and blood. Abby paused and looked at the Sun through the gap in the buildings, now lingering in the West. The star was reduced to a bright ring of light with an iris of the sky.

“A solar eclipse,” Ellie whispered as Abby looked at her, the two of them illuminated by the golden hour.

Abby kneeled down and boosted Ellie onto the back of the stallion. She mounted him next. She waited for Ellie to put her arms around her as she adjusted the grip on the reins. Reluctantly, she did.

“Tell me where to go,” Abby breathed.

“East,” Ellie whispered, staring at the braid of gold nestled on the top of Abby’s backpack. “Go East.”

 

Notes:

Welcome back, welcome back to the late night show. How are you? How do you feel after this one? I hope you're doing well. I almost lost this chapter and had a panic attack, but I managed to get it, so I am posting all 25 pages of it today.

Trivia question: Who is the dead musician Ellie is asking about? When you find out, listen to his cover.

Trivia drop: Saint Mary is the patron saint of young women (such as Ellie and Abby), travelers (such as Ellie and Joel, and the Salt Lake Crew) and of all humanity. Naughty Dog was not slick with that one.

And yes, Ellie sings True Faith sitting on the operating table! The way I listen to AJ's version on repeat is crazy!

Love ya, have a good night guys!

Chapter 11: Ghosts

I know what you're looking for,

You've looked in these eyes before,

And all you saw was blue green water,

Searching for a mirror

—Chris Cornell

×

“Right here,” Ellie breathed. To Abby, she sounded exhausted, like breathing itself was taking too much out of her. “The one with the red door.”

“Diablo, easy,” Abby steered Diablo up the driveway and scoped out the abandoned home. It was in tact, but aged with the dull white paint. The house itself seemed to hold up from the outside, a once stylish, white bungalow with a decent sized porch with an awning to match and a red door behind the layers of salvaged wood over the accentuating windows.

“You see that fence door? That’s the entry to the backyard. You can leave him there,” Ellie directed.

Abby slid off of Diablo and led him with the reins to the fence door. She pushed gently until Ellie said, “Harder,” and she decided to slam her shoulder into the door. She let Ellie go through. Abby followed behind them, turning to push the door back into place, using the bolt latch to keep the world out.

Abby glanced over her shoulder to see Ellie sliding off Diablo. She landed with a grunt, losing balance and falling to her knees.

I was going to help, but whatever, Abby thought, turning back to the fence entrance and pushing the door a few times.

Ellie tried to remove the saddle, cursing softly to herself over the pain in her right shoulder and Diablo being skittish. Abby walked up, her boots crunching the sun-dried grass underneath her feet. “I got it, just go in.”

Ellie pushed aside the glass door and closed it behind her. She rubbed her forehead, trying to soothe the pounding headache. She stood in the living room. Out of any place she stayed in, this was a home that didn’t take much damage but the wear and tear of time. The smell of dust and mold only made the headache worse.

“I feel like shit,” she mumbled to herself. She looked towards the stairs and walked to them, starting to climb.

Abby opened the glass door and closed it behind her. She observed Ellie climbing the stairs, then she glanced around. A leather couch in front of a huge television, a white rug stained with red. She moved closer to inspect it.

Not blood.

And to her left, a stack of DVDs. She sighed.

I owe Lev a few movie nights. We can do that when I get back.

Abby walked into the kitchen, stopping to tilt her head at the maple cabinets and smoothing her fingers against black marble counter. People in the old world had it good.

She started scavenging, even though she knew Ellie probably did the same. She needed the distraction and she needed the time alone to focus on anything but this situation. Abby went through drawers, finding much of nothing but old batteries and old condiment packs. Another drawer she opened had a pack of paper clips.

She turned on her heels and spotted a door. She wrapped her fingers around the handle and twisted. “Damn.”

She remembered Dina picking the lock on patrol and glanced back at the drawer with the paper clips.

Worth a shot.

She retrieved two paper clips and put the first into her mouth, bend it with her teeth until it was moderately straight, then repeated with the other. She got on her knees and inserted one, then the other. She messed with it for ten minutes, then ten turned into twenty, then twenty into twenty-five.

Abby twisted the knob, groaning. She made this look so damn easy.

After ten more minutes of being on her knees, the door gave.

“I can’t believe that worked,” she grinned. She descended the stairs into the basement. In front of her were a few packs of water. She grabbed one out of an open pack, blowing dust off the top and drank to her plenty.

She spotted a open gun safe and next to it, a workbench with a gun, covered in dust. A chair sat in front of it.

“Finders’ keepers,” Abby eyed the semi-automatic rifle on the workbench, grabbing the rag in front of her to clean the gun. Suddenly, her tried and true rifle dulled in comparison.

“This is more my style.” She glanced back at the gun safe. “Not everyone would have access to a gun like this.”

She spotted a piece of paper underneath it. “What’s this?” Abby picked it up and flipped it over.

Marsha, I’ll be seeing you soon.

“Hope you found her,” Abby whispered. She looked around her, her flashlight lingering on the open safe. Nobody would leave this many weapons unless—“Oh, shit,” Abby whispered, “He killed himself.”

She leaned back in the chair, scratching her scalp. Her eyes went to a framed picture above the workbench. A group of men and women decked out in gear in a desert landscape with arms linked together, a residual camaraderie.

Yeah, military.

She stared up at the photo, reminded of how hollow her heart became since the absence of her friends.

I miss my crew.

She shook her head.

No, don’t think about it.

Back at the stadium, she spent time at the armory. She considered it a part of her training. In order to be a great shot, she had to know how guns worked, how to maintain and repair them.

Abby picked up the rifle, holding it in front of her eyes. She checked the magazine, somewhat occupied. Finally, she wiped off the scope.

She peered through the glass. “Perfect,” she whispered. A scope would give her the advantage of distance. There was a part of her that was afraid of hand-to-hand combat. She wasn’t nearly as strong as she was before.

She liked the way the rifle felt in her hands, the weight was perfect.

“Sold,” she whispered, then she started to take apart the gun and clean it, oil it. A clean and oiled gun was a reliable gun, one that wouldn’t jam when she needed it the most.

Abby worked in silence, finishing her maintenance of her new rifle, noting the modifications the previous owner made. This was one of the few times where she stumbled upon another survivor’s stash and wished she knew them. She swapped out her pistol and her knife, as well as her shotgun for an automatic one. There was a decent amount of ammo left, so she stocked up.

Alright, I need to check on her.

After Abby finished loading all her guns, she grabbed the open pack of the water bottles and went upstairs, closing the door behind her.

I’ll see what else I can find.

×

Ellie sat on the bed, staring through the dark window, watching the flame from the oil lamp flicker in the reflection.

My skin hurts.

She rubbed her eyes, then saw Abby standing behind her in the reflection, leaning against the doorway with her arms full. Ellie turned her head to the side, letting Abby know she saw her.

Abby breathed in, then she spoke softly, “I wanna change your bandages and stitch you up.”

“Nothing’s stopping you,” Ellie replied shortly. Then Abby neared Ellie, placing a bundle of different colored towels at her side, a half emptied pack of bottled water at her feet. Abby grabbed a bottle of water and held it out for Ellie to take.

“Drink,” she said. Ellie opened the bottle and drank. She wondered where Abby found this, considering the gathered what she could from the neighboring houses, but was too exhausted to ask.

Abby listened as Ellie swallowed, emptying the bottle. She’s thirsty. I’ll grab more if I have to.

She crossed in front of Ellie to kneel between her legs, glancing up at the grey shirt she changed into.

She’s bleeding through. That’s not good.

“Hold your arms out in front of you,” Abby mumbled. Ellie did and Abby tugged the sleeves over Ellie’s hands, then she grasped the bottom hem of the shirt, pushing it up over her stomach. She saw Ellie’s stomach cave in, the accompanying noise of taking a deep breath. Abby’s hands were freezing against Ellie’s skin, making her flinch. Abby pretended not to see it for both of their sakes.

She needs to eat more, Abby thought, her fingers feeling the hollow gaps between the bone and getting a better look for herself. Shivers ran up and down Abby’s spine.

Her body reminds me of m—Don’t think about that.

She slid the shirt up over Ellie’s breasts, focusing on making this as comfortable and quick as possible for both of them. She rolled and tucked the shirt into itself on top of her breastbone so it wouldn’t catch on the bandages. Abby stood, leaning over Ellie to pull the shirt up over Ellie’s head towards her and let it drop onto her chest. She pulled the sleeve and shirt down on Ellie’s left side and then the other, moving slower to compensate for the injury, catching the whisper of pain on her lips.

She paused as the shirt stopped around Ellie’s right wrist.

Ellie’s left hand or what was left of it, pressed against Abby’s forearm.

“It’s caught on my bracelet,” she said. “I’ll get it.”

“’Kay,” Abby replied, letting go of the shirt.

Abby rose and got up, Ellie couldn’t help but turn her head to watch Abby, waiting for a switch to flip and for the pain of Seattle to surge, drowning them both. When Abby left her line of sight, she stared at the window again, the only person staring back at her was Ellie and just Ellie, finally releasing her bracelet from the shirt and discarding the bloodied piece of clothing to the floor.

Scars blurred by the lack of light in the room, but she could remember where she was when they formed. Many of them from the furious three days in Seattle and more from the trek to Santa Barbara. Ellie was marred from these experiences and when she couldn’t sleep, moments played like a sick movie behind her eyelids, cutting from one murder to another, one near death experience after another.

Ellie touched her side, her mouth opening for a gasp that never came. She closed her eyes, the tip of her forefinger tracing over the ridges of scar tissue from that tree in Santa Barbara. She removed her hand as she heard Abby’s footsteps approaching.

Abby placed a flashlight down at Ellie’s side.

Abby unrolled the towels and started to arrange the items: alcohol, medical grade sutures and a pack of curved needles, packaged gauze and medical grade tape. It was an excellent haul for an abandoned hospital and she was impressed with her ability to remember where things were after all this time.

She arranged a white towel over Ellie’s lap, smoothing it around her lower back to avoid a mess. She placed an unopened bottle of water in the girl’s lap.

Abby pushed back Ellie's hair away from the wound, laying it over her other shoulder. Abby noted it could use a good washing.

Abby worked in silence besides her, sanitizing her hands with alcohol, then soaking a white rag in alcohol and wiping her knife clean. Last, she opened the pack of needles and the sutures. Then she moved between Ellie’s legs, eye level with her chest.

“I need you to hold that flashlight, so I can see what I’m doing,” Abby said softly. Ellie grasped the flashlight and shined it on her own chest.

Abby slid her fingers under the bandages to stretch and loosen them. Then she took her knife, sliding the edge between the bandage and Ellie’s skin, cutting through the wrapping. Slowly, but surely, Abby finished the first step, discarding the bandages to the floor and placed the knife on the towel.

She spotted Ellie’s fist, squeezing the edge of the mattress.

What are you so afraid of? Abby glanced up at Ellie’s face. Her eyes were closed, bottom lip clamped between her teeth.

“It’ll be easier if you breathe,” Abby suggested softly.

Ellie breathed out, loosening her grip on the mattress and the flashlight.

Abby sized up the wound, it was about a half inch in diameter.

She’s fucking lucky.

Abby threaded the needle, squinting to see. She wasn’t as precise as Mel or Nora, missing the eye four times, but she got it and set it down.

“I’m gonna rinse your wound.” Abby whispered, reaching for the water.

“Making sure I’ll die slow?” Ellie stared at Abby’s hand on the water bottle.

“No,” Abby whispered, unscrewing the bottle of water, repeating her dad’s words. “Alcohol can cause tissue damage and it can stop your body from healing as fast. Clean, cool water and a gentle soap is best. I used it because it was there and… the risk of infection was pretty bad. This might be cold.”

Abby poured water above the exit wound, using a rag to catch the water and Ellie pressed her teeth together. Abby pulled Ellie forward and stood up, repeating the step for the entry wound. Ellie leaned back. She wasn’t bleeding as heavily as she was before, but she was still leaking, diluted red streams running over her breast. She rinsed again and again.

Abby grabbed the needle, leaned in closer to push it into her skin and Ellie recoiled, leaning back.

Abby threw the needle on the towel with the rest of the supplies, stood up, crossed and out of patience. “You think you can stitch this up by yourself?”

Ellie bit her tongue and put down the flashlight.

“After a long day of killing my friends in Seattle, I bet it was Dina cleaning their blood off of you and sewing you back into one piece. Is she here now?” Abby gestured around her in the dim room.

That’s fucking low.

“Fuck you, Abby,” Ellie hissed. “She can’t leave her kid.”

“I did,” Abby snapped. “Answer me—Is Dina here now?”

Ellie mumbled something with her fists clenched at her sides and Abby narrowed her eyes at her.

“I can’t fucking hear you, Ellie,” Abby spat her name out like it was rotten food.

Ellie looked at Abby, the spoke slowly and loudly for her. “I said, ‘suck a dick,’ Abby.”

Abby grabbed a fistful of Ellie’s hair, yanking her head back to look in her eyes and Ellie let a gasp slip through her lips. “I don’t know if that fucking fungus attached to your brain made you forget how I beat you within an inch of your fucking life, but I won’t hesitate to remind you.” She let go, the sound of her boots hitting the floor echoed.

Ellie’s hands were shaking, adrenaline running through her veins and her wound throbbed with the spike in her heart rate.

Fucking bitch.

Ellie clambered for the needle on the towel and readied the flashlight. She felt like she was minutes away from fainting. She couldn’t sew with her left hand, she was right-handed and the wound was on her right side.

“Fuck this,” Ellie swore softly, a deep pool of loathing for Abby and herself forming in the pit of her stomach. It rose in the form of bile in the back of her throat. She readied the needle in her left hand anyway. She drove the needle through her skin, gasping.

Fuck, that was deep. She felt the blood crawling down her breast.

Nevertheless, she continued. She was two stitches in when Abby returned, scoffing.

“I thought you were smarter than that.”

Ellie closed her eyes and wished anybody else was here, a Clicker to rip her jugular from her neck, a Bloater to break her spine—

Anything would be fucking better than this.

Abby walked around the bed and snatched the flashlight from Ellie, shining it on her chest, but Ellie crossed her arm over her breasts.

Abby let out an icy laugh, “Not even with a gun to my head.”

The heat of humiliation filled Ellie and she didn’t understand it.

Abby threw the flashlight in Ellie’s lap, reaching for the alcohol to clean her hands. Ellie held the flashlight again over her chest, but her hand trembled slightly. Abby ignored it and observed Ellie’s work. She wiped the wound clean with a rag.

Abby pushed the needle back into the skin with no warning and Ellie sucked in a breath. Abby did as she was taught, ignoring Ellie’s sharp gasps and curses. Abby worked quickly, she was unforgiving where Ellie was patient with herself, steadying herself for every stitch. Pulling skin together was a vicious combination of piercing and burning.

Abby eyed her work. “Better me than you.”

Abby ripped the gauze. She folded a decent cushioned piece in her hands, then taped it carefully.

“Get up,” Abby instructed. Ellie got to her feet and watched as Abby laid a towel on the bed. “Sit down and kneel over the bed.”

Ellie opened her mouth to speak. “Can I get a fucking seco—”

“The quicker I finish, the quicker I can sleep,” Abby cut her off.  Ellie ground her teeth and did as she said. Abby carefully tucked the flashlight between her cheek and her shoulder, making sure she could see.  She rinsed the wound again, catching the water with a rag. She dried it, then rethreaded the needle.

Ellie waited, face on the blanket and knees on the wooden floor. She closed her eyes, envisioning Dina leaning over her, her hands light, but steady, her calm voice distracting her. Ellie let out a sigh of longing, but it cut off into a hiss as the needle slipped through the tender skin on her back.

“Shit!”

“It’ll be over soon, just breathe,” Abby’s voice was softer this time. Ellie endured the pain of the needle, but Abby’s attempt to soothe stirred shame within her. Ellie breathed in to brace herself for every stitch, her teeth grinding together.

“Last one,” Abby said, pushing the needle in.

Ellie winced and breathed in, squeezing the blanket. At least she warned me.

Abby finished knotting the stitch, watching the skin pull together. She folded another piece of gauze and laid it over the stitches, securing with medical tape. She broke away from Ellie, dusting off her pants at the knees.

“Okay,” Abby whispered, relieved. “That’ll work.”

Ellie pushed herself up and sat on the bed, leaning over to her backpack to grab a black tank top. She put it on carefully as Abby cleaned up besides her. She was relieved to see Abby paying her no mind.

After Abby finished cleaning up and putting everything back in its place, she walked across the bedroom to the recliner in the corner, removing the blanket folded on top of it.

She shook out the stitched dark blue and light blue blanket, making a face of disgust as a dead spider fell to the floor. She kicked it away with her boot.

Gross. I’m warm enough anyway.

She draped the blanket over the arm and sat down, letting her head fall back against the chair. She stared at the ceiling. I shouldn’t let her get underneath my skin.

“Can’t you find somewhere else to fucking sleep?” Ellie huffed, pushing back the blanket and sliding her legs underneath it.

“I’m not leaving you by yourself,” Abby said quietly, her eyes closing.

“I’m not a kid,” Ellie cut her eyes at Abby. “You don’t have to babysit me.”

“Oh, I definitely have to babysit you,” Abby replied coolly. If she couldn’t be aggressive, she would be passive aggressive. Ellie didn’t fire back.

Good.

After a few minutes of storming silence, she set her eyes on Ellie. Ellie didn’t notice right away. Abby watched as she froze.

Ellie shifted, looking over. “Why the fuck are you staring at me?”

“Forget it,” Abby shook her head.

“Say it,” Ellie ordered.

“No, leave it,” Abby waved her off.

Ellie scoffed. “You scared?”

“Of you? Never.” Abby held back a smirk. “How many times have you been bitten?”  

“This is the fucking third time, fourth if I count you,” Ellie pressed her teeth together, pulling the blanket over her thighs.  “I can’t fucking play guitar anymore.”

Abby turned her face away, imagining the woman with a guitar in her hands. She remembered Ellie’s scream of anguish as she bit down on her fingers, the snapping of bone between her teeth, the taste of Ellie's blood and flesh on her tongue and the way she punched her in her face.

You do what you have to do to get it done, Abby thought.

Abby wet her lips and then she spoke, “I didn’t want to die.” She squeezed her eyes closed, wishing she came up with a better reply.

But isn’t that enough? Isn’t that the truth?

Ellie watched as Abby started to unravel her braid. Abby met her gaze and looked into her lap, her fingers pulling apart the sections into golden waves.

“I was gonna come back,” Ellie finally broke the silence.

“You don’t sound so sure,” Abby replied, her fingers raking through her hair.

“Abby, fuck you.” Ellie spat, rage flashing in her green eyes.

“What were you doing out here?” Abby raised her head to look at her.

“I don’t have to explain shit to you.”

Abby’s face turned to stone. “Then fucking don’t.”

“Why did you come after me?” Ellie looked Abby up and down as she stood up.

“I don’t have to explain shit to you,” the corner of Abby’s lips turned up, waves of gold falling around her face.

Ellie seethed, her fists squeezing the blanket and Abby looked on, She has a short fuse.

“How did you find me?” Ellie spoke through her teeth.

Abby snorted. “I should’ve asked you the same shit two years ago.”

“Who sent you? Tommy or Dina?” Ellie demanded.

Abby was silent. Ellie squeezed the blankets, letting out a growl of frustration.

“Guilt sent me,” her blue eyes met green. “Your turn. Why did you leave?”

Ellie’s eyes were full of disdain and something else Abby couldn’t put her finger on. “It’s not my home anymore.”

“More yours than mine,” Abby retorted. She fluffed her hair, making sure every tendril was loose.

“Horseshit,” Ellie spat. “You settled in just fine.” Abby caught it in her voice, stretched so thin and fragile.

She’s jealous.

“I barely leave my house, nothing’s stopping you from living your life,” Abby pushed her hair away from her face with her fingers, nonchalant.

“I wonder if I should’ve killed you in Santa Barbara,” Ellie hissed. She reminded Abby of a feral cat, untrusting and willing to attack.

“Maybe you should have,” Abby’s eyes held the quiet threat of a frozen lake, commanding Ellie to tread carefully.

With Abby’s words, Ellie’s face changed, her own words coming back to haunt her. She looked to her hands and felt the metal, the rust, she could smell and taste the sour earth of the Cordyceps in the air.

Ellie kicked off the blanket and Abby stood up, falling into a stance, but Ellie ran past her, slamming the door on the way out. She ran down the stairs, pushing herself harder when she heard the bedroom door open again with Abby giving chase. Ellie shoved the glass door open, sprinting into the backyard and Diablo looked up at her with sleepy blue eyes.

Ellie gasped in the cold air, hands on her knees and her feet bare in the grass. “Fuck,” she whispered.

Abby slowly approached.

“Go away,” Ellie panted.

“No, you might run off with my horse,” Abby stepped forward, pausing when Ellie looked over her shoulder.

“I’d fucking kill you first,” Ellie gasped out.

“Try it.”

Ellie lunged at Abby, letting out a cry of fury and Abby caught her by her arms, kicked at her ankle to break Ellie’s balance, throwing them both to the ground with her weight. Diablo shuffled in the grass, letting out a soft grunt.

“Fuck!” Ellie’s voice was shrill and she was stunned by the pain searing below her shoulder. Abby reared up, pinning Ellie’s wrists to the ground, straddling Ellie and looking down at her.

Ellie panted and thrashed angrily beneath Abby.

“Get the fuck off me!” Ellie breathed hard, struggling as she watched Abby search her face.

“Get off, Abby,” Ellie hissed. “I’m gonna fuck you up.”

“You’re not gonna do shit but open your stitches,” Abby replied, squeezing her wrists against the grass.

Helplessness shattered Ellie and her groan broke off into a sob. “Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, I wish you were fucking dead—"

Abby let go of Ellie’s wrists and stood, stepping away from her. She watched as Ellie sat up and cried, gasping for air. Then she turned her back to Ellie, her feet carrying her towards the door.

Hot tears ran down Ellie’s cheeks and her throat felt as if a noose was slowly tightening itself around her throat. Her chest burned with shame.

Abby paused before the glass door. This is so fucking familiar.

Abby sighed as Guilt made the decision for her. It felt like Santa Barbara all over again.

Abby walked back over to Ellie. She sat down next to her, idling her hands by intertwining her fingers. She looked up at the stars. Ellie’s shoulders heaved, whimpers and cracked weeps escaping her mouth.

I hate the sound of her crying.

“Go away, Abby,” Ellie’s voice held no edge, no grit and hate, it was grey with grief.

“I can’t,” Abby sighed.

“You should just leave me here,” Ellie stared at her hands, sliding her thumb and forefinger against what was left of her ring finger and little finger.

“I won’t,” Abby whispered. “I have to bring you back.”

“It won’t change what you did,” Ellie held her face in her hands and then moved them to grip her greasy, dark hair. She breathed in, but there was only so much air for her.

“I know,” Abby wet her lips and then she blew out a stream of air, it almost sounded like a whistle. Had she known she’d come crawling back to Jackson so she and Lev wouldn’t starve again, she would have chosen to honor her father differently.

Didn’t people used to ask for… What is it? Closure?

She couldn’t wrap her mind around the different scenario where she sat across from him and resolved their issues, so she just took turns massaging the back of her hands.

A killer’s hands.

She flipped over her hands to peer at her palms.

No matter how much you change, you’ll always be his killer.

Up again, at the stars.

And he’ll always be your father’s killer.

Her eyes slid to the left without moving her head, taking note of Ellie. She was breathing slowly and deeply. Without directly looking at her, she angled her head a little bit more, looking at Ellie’s trembling right hand, a hand that held guns and knives and weapons made to bludgeon and on her wrist, the bracelet.

From the moonlight cast over them, she made out a stylized blue and white eye woven into a piece of silver and the brown strap of the bracelet, and still, Ellie’s hand trembled.

Did they beg for their lives? Joel didn’t. She never asked. Maybe she would never ask.

Bodies in the water under the bridge. She closed her eyes and it was Owen and Mel’s bodies, strewn out on the cold floor of the aquarium, then their faces, decaying and sunken in, layers of skin being peeled away.

Abby decided she didn’t want to think about it any longer.

“Who gave you that bracelet?” Abby asked.

Ellie’s voice was thin and weak. “Dina.”

“Any reason?” Abby expected silence, but Ellie replied.

“For good luck.”

Abby shifted, bringing one knee to her chest and wrapping her arms around her leg. “Sounds about right. You should be dead.”

Ellie let out a hollow laugh, pushing hair away from her face. “So should you.” Abby didn’t doubt that there was a part of Ellie that sincerely meant it.

“Maybe,” Abby shrugged. “You had chances.”

I might be the lucky one.

She thought back to a couple hours prior at the hospital. Abby asked Ellie to sing another song for her and the slip of it all made her stomach churn with embarrassment. But she sang for her anyway, not just for Abby, but for her father. She thought about how Ellie’s sneakers slapped against the concrete towards her, the bunching of her jacket as she sat and Ellie’s voice bouncing off the walls of the room, hauntingly calming like the thought of a gentle death.

I don’t get it.

“C’mon,” Abby urged softly, getting to her feet and holding her hand out. “Upstairs.”

Ellie ignored her, staring at her hands.

Abby pinched the bridge of her nose. I’m fucking trying.

She turned on her heels, walking into the house. She lingered, staring at her feet, waiting for a minute or two.

I’m fucking tired.

Abby crossed the room and slid her hand along the stairway as she walked up the stairs, passing a few more closed doors before she came across the bedroom. She crashed into the recliner, stretching her legs and her arms, and hoped Diablo and Ellie would still be around when she woke up.

Lev was the last person on her mind until exhaustion seized her.

×

Abby’s eyes opened and she gasped, lurching forward. Her fingertips dug into the worn and cracked leather of the chair. She panted.

Ellie was sitting up in bed, bathed in moonlight, fixating on her.

“You were watching me sleep?” Abby didn’t know if she was asking or accusing.

“You talk in your sleep,” Ellie told her. “You grind your teeth, too.”

Abby pushed herself up on the arms on the recliner. She touched her forehead, cold sweat on her fingertips. Then she wiped away the tears on her cheeks.

More than just talking. She knew what she was dreaming about and her stomach sank at the thought of Ellie knowing, too.

She sighed and pulled off her thermal, rolling it into her lap. She sat back in the chair, closed her eyes, let her head fall to the side. She sucked in deep breaths to soothe herself, trying to make the remnants of the dream go away. She knew Ellie was still watching her.

“What did they do to you in Santa Barbara?” Ellie’s voice cut through the silence.

“I’ll kill you if you ask me that again,” Abby threatened.

“I killed most of them,” Ellie went on, calling Abby’s bluff. “I fought this guard outside the holding cell. She was on top of me, trying to crush my windpipe with a bat and I…” Ellie trailed off, the woman’s eyeball was destroyed so easily underneath her thumb.

“When I kicked her off of me, she fell back into the cage where they were holding the others. They choked her through the bars with the bat, got the keys and freed themselves.”

Abby squeezed the chair’s arm. She wanted to vomit and her skin crawled. That cage and the crying, the screaming, the torture and the fucking smell.

I hope they’re all alive and safe, Abby thought. Being alive isn’t good enough.

“They grabbed the weapons and I asked them where you were—They pointed guns at me because I got bit, but I got them to back down. One of the guys, they told me you tried to escape. He told me you were at the pillars, down by the beach. He said you were probably already dead,” Ellie recalled.

Abby tried to breathe, but the breath caught in her throat. Tears stung in her eyes. She gasped again, bringing her fingers up and smearing the tears across her face.

Stop crying, stop crying, stop crying. She breathed in, her heart racing behind the skin. She gasped again, catching Ellie’s gaze. She closed her eyes and the tears crawled down her cheeks.

“No,” Abby wept, smearing away the tears. Ellie swallowed. Abby sounded like she did at the beach, refusing to fight her.

“I’ll tell you why I left Jackson,” Ellie looked down at her left hand, the stumps of fingers Abby left her with. “I’ll tell you more than that.”

What else?

Ellie looked over at Abby. “I want to know what I saved you and the boy from.”

“Starvation,” Abby answered. She wouldn’t say much more.

Ellie sighed, going on. “When I found out you were at Jackson, I thought I made the wrong decision. I asked Gabriel to kill you on his watch.”

“You fucking what?” Abby stared at Ellie.

“He knew that you murdered Joel and Jesse, fucked up Tommy and Dina. Everyone does. It was just you, not—” Ellie closed her eyes, remembering how she pressed her mother’s switchblade to Lev’s throat.

“He’s not a part of this,” Abby stared at Ellie, frozen, kneeling in the murky grey waters of the Pacific.

“You made him a part of this,” Ellie hissed, soaked in the blood of herself and anyone who dared to stand in her way. Ellie stared right back at Abby, watching her relent as she stood.

“Lev could’ve died,” Abby’s face went from being flushed with distress to be flushed with rage, “I let you and Tommy fucking live because I only came to kill—”

Abby cut herself off, leaning on her knees. “I know he’s nothing to you, but he’s everything to me.”

Ellie inhaled. “I just wanted—”

“It wasn’t gonna be just me and you—You fucking know that!” Abby sat back and her neck tingled from the rush of heat. She wanted to think that Lev would be a danger to everyone around him, but deep down, she knew that he wouldn’t go on without her and the thought tortured her.

“I wanted my life back,” Ellie’s voice gave out, “I thought I could let you live and... I… I changed my mind, called it off, but… I saw the body—Dina’s not like me. She lied for you.”

Their eyes met.

I don’t know if I believe you. Abby decided if Ellie was telling the truth, she was telling them in half-truths, but she felt cornered by Ellie knowing Dina lied.

Abby swallowed, closing her eyes and behind her eyelids, she saw blood in the snow. “I didn’t ask her to lie.”

“Why did she lie for you?” From what Abby could tell, Ellie was uneasy, as if she asked a question she didn’t want to ask, a question Abby wouldn’t answer with a gun to her head.

“I don’t know,” Abby whispered, casting her eyes at the floor, Lev’s smile flashing in her mind. Then she felt the freezing wind, cutting like knives with every gust and Dina's thumb tracing across her scar, then her lips against hers.

Abby let out the breath she was holding onto. Stupid. It didn’t mean anything. I could put him in danger if she knew.

“She wouldn’t do that for everyone,” Ellie laid back down, staring at the ceiling.

“Keep telling yourself that.” Abby deflected. “She didn’t just cover my ass, she covered yours. Does she know that?”

“No,” Ellie answered quietly.

Abby fell silent for a few more minutes, then she spoke again. “I wouldn’t put her child in danger.”

“Are you saying I’d kill a kid?” Ellie refused to break her hardened stare.

Abby let out an icy laugh of disbelief. “Didn’t you?”

“I told you,” Ellie hissed, “I didn’t know, but your father did. I was fourteen!”

Abby jumped out of the recliner and advanced over to the bed, but Ellie didn’t move. “That was fucking different.”

“I had the rest of my life—” Ellie argued.

“And so did my dad!” Breaths slipped in and out through Abby’s lips quickly, she could feel the hot rage in her face, unexpected and uncontrollable.

Ellie took aim, “And so did Joel.”

The energy in the room broke like glass and Abby appeared struck, a mix of emotions playing out on her face. She backed up unsteadily, nearly falling over her own feet. She felt for the arm chair and sat back in the recliner. Her skin prickled from head to toe and the sound of her shallow breaths hung in the air.

Ellie squeezed her hands, trying to focus on the paint and where it cracked in the wall. She didn’t want to see his face again.  

The air was still for a moment and Ellie finally set her eyes on Abby.

“Dina was right,” Abby whispered, staring into Ellie's green eyes. “Your hands aren’t clean. You’re no different than me.”

Notes:

Hi, this took me a while to get out, I apologize! Abby and Ellie dance around each other in this chapter, but inevitably end up pressing each other's buttons. I keep Ellie's thoughts a secret while keeping my synopsis in mind. I see her as vulnerable, easily reactive where Abby would need a certain combination to unlock a response. I feel like the way they respond to each other holds a suffocating weight and it's easy for them to slide right back into tunnel vision, justifying their own actions while condemning each other's actions while trying to avoid the pain of it all the same. This is the art of picking at scabs, reopening a wound. They're still raw.

More thoughts as of 4/29: I wrote Ellie to struggle between her survivor's guilt and the decision Joel unapologetically made for her. It's quite the extreme if you think about it, something layered in her character through her days in Seattle.

Here in this chapter, she condemns Abby's father while defending her own right to live, the right Joel wanted her to have and to top it off, reminds Abby that Joel had a life, too. It's all centered around his death. And yet there's a part of her that still feels wrong for existing. It felt choppy and messy to write it, but there's so much truth in that.

Abby is shut down by Ellie because Ellie confronts her with her lack of humanity for Joel's murder. But Abby makes a distinct point, that Ellie is no different from her and uses Dina's words to strengthen her defense.

If you listen to that Chris Cornell song, I see Joel and Jerry as the topic of the lyrics. "But that won't change what lies behind the door," doors being significant to Ellie and Abby.
"Blue green water, searching for a mirror" I thought of this lyric in a way pertaining to Ellie and Abby's eyes and their duality—It's much more deeper than that because of the following lyrics, "that would show the world not who you are, but who you wanna be." Think on that.

"He doesn't live here anymore," Joel and Jerry don't live on this plane of existence.

It felt right to end the chapter there with Abby's revelation. Abby is haunted by her losses, they come up in ways she didn't expect—The picture of a crew. She fears losing Lev and lies not because of herself, but because of Lev. Abby feels as if she has too much to lose, something she realized too late with the events after Joel's death. She's confronted with her wrongdoings and what it cost her. Abby has a "never again" mentality.

I've been thinking of this chapter deeply since I wrote it and I came back to write these notes. I spend too much time choosing songs for my chapters and musing to not say anything otherwise. I hope you enjoyed it.

Anyway, let me know how you feel and I'll be back sooner than you think! Much love!

Chapter 12: Wayfaring Stranger

×

Every second, the red lights flashed on the wall and Abby’s heart quickened in her chest as the door closed behind her. She readjusted the grip on her pistol, her palms clammy with cold sweat.

With each step, dread caused her stomach to lurch, but she forced herself to walk down the hall. She could see the Firefly insignia next to the door, both of them red like blood. Shallow breaths escaped her mouth and the alarm filled her ears.

She closed the distance between herself and the red door, wrapping her hand around the handle. She twisted the handle and pushed. She went through the second door and froze, staring at the young girl, unconscious on the table. Her eyes went over to her father, standing over Ellie with a scalpel in his hand.

She watched her father make his first incision into the younger girl’s head.

Abby’s eyes opened and she sat straight up, “Dad, stop!”

Her eyes met Ellie’s eyes and she gasped, touching her fingers to her lips. Ellie observed Abby, a question in her forest green eyes.

“Shit!” Abby whispered, turning her face away from Ellie. The sourness of humiliation made her stomach churn. She jumped to her feet and grabbed her rifle, lunged at the door, wrenching it open and slamming it behind her. She panted as she went down the stairs.

She threw open the glass door leading to the backyard and Diablo looked up. Abby breathed in the crisp, cold air and looked up to the sky, warm streaks of orange and purple blending together, the day was just beginning.

She glanced at Diablo, letting her rifle fall to the ground.

I should just leave.

She smoothed her fingers against her temples. That’s stupid, what if she comes back and tells everyone I left her? Or doesn’t come back at all?

She sighed and wished she could scream without alerting anything and everything. For a few minutes, Abby stood and thought into the future.

I can avoid her when we return.

Soon, her dream came back and she grew frustrated. Guilt poisoned her dreams again.

Why did I choose her over everyone else?

She kneeled down in the grass, defeated. She ran her fingers over the grass, closing her eyes.

I don’t get it. I don’t.

Abby felt the hair on the back of her neck stand up and she turned around. She stared at Ellie and Ellie stared back at her from only a few feet away. Abby’s eyes tracked over Ellie. Her dark auburn hair in tangles, the shadows underneath her forest green eyes, the black tank-top from the night before and the faded dark blue jeans that gapped at the waist, her feet bare.

Abby turned away and noticed the aching in her stomach. She spent the day before running on adrenaline and anticipation. “Did you eat yesterday?”

“No,” Ellie answered quietly.

“I’ll find us something,” Abby replied with her voice just as low as Ellie's, turning her head to look over her shoulder, then to Diablo, grazing. “Just give me a few minutes and I’ll go.”

“I have a stash of soup underneath the bed,” Ellie stepped closer to Abby. “Four cans.”

“You should eat,” Abby said, shifting from a kneel to sit with her legs outstretched in front of her.

“I can’t,” Ellie whispered. She stepped to Abby’s left and sat, her legs crossed. “Can’t sleep either. Your nightmares aren’t helping.”

Abby swallowed her pride. “I can’t help it.”

Ellie didn’t reply and Abby got to her feet, grabbing her rifle. Ellie heard the sound of Abby’s boots crunching the sun-dried grass and then there was the glass door sliding on its track, separating them both.

×

Abby ventured upstairs and dug through her bag. She carefully fished around inside until she felt the wooden handle, her fingers grazing against the boar bristles woven into the paddle. She retrieved her hairbrush and felt inside the outside pocket for her ribbons, pulling out a red one. She sat on the bed and started to comb her fingers through her hair to untangle any knots.

She sighed, thinking about Ellie’s injury.

She needs someone with more skill than me. She paused, her fingers sliding down a lock of hair. We don’t have time, but the quicker I get her back…

Abby reached for the brush and brushed her hair. It was a little longer in the past few months she spent at Jackson, just an inch or two above her waist. She preferred it this way. She brushed it out patiently, thinking.

Traveling at night is dangerous, but if we leave in the morning, we can reach Jackson just after night falls.

She continued to brush her hair, cursing quietly as she felt the brush catch on a tangle.

Lev, don’t do anything stupid, I’ll be back soon.

She brushed her hair until it was smooth and started to braid, breathing in slowly and deeply. She caught the sound of footsteps nearing the door. Abby didn’t turn.  

Ellie dragged her feet over to the bed. She sat on Abby’s side, but at the edge of the mattress. Abby watched as Ellie removed her tanktop, heard the soft curse she uttered as she raised her arms. Ellie dropped the shirt to the floor and Abby squinted at the bandage. Ellie’s skin was swollen and red around the wound. Abby found herself staring at the battle scars across Ellie’s freckled back.

She wondered about the stories behind the scars, then she stopped herself, looking away.

It’s not my place.

“Tomorrow morning, I’m taking us back,” Abby crossed sections of hair over each other, trying not to look at Ellie.

She goes her way and I go back to Lev.

A silence fell over the women and Abby felt uneasy, but continued braiding her hair. She stared out the window at the quiet, abandoned house next to their temporary shelter.

Abby was tying the red ribbon around her braid when Ellie spoke quietly.

“What if I don’t want to go back?”

Abby blew her breath, tying the knot and pushing the braid back over her shoulder.

I didn’t come all this way to just leave empty-handed.

“Those stitches aren’t enough, you need to be on bedrest,” Abby looked over at Ellie from the corner of her eye as she tied the ribbon around her braid.

“Thanks, Doctor Abby,” Ellie replied with a roll of her eyes, then she fell silent, waiting for Abby’s response.

Abby let the comment roll off her shoulders and remembered Tommy’s instructions, but she didn’t want to push Ellie’s buttons too hard. She tested the waters.

“What about Dina? Isn’t she your…” Abby trailed off, her words from last night hanging in the air.

“She thinks I’m a cold-blooded killer,” Ellie’s arms folding over her chest. “I am,” she whispered hoarsely.

“She looked like shit the last time I saw her,” Abby turned her head to look at Ellie. She wondered if she should bring up JJ.

Too much especially after last night.

“She’ll get over it,” Ellie hugged herself and blinked away tears.

“That’s not how loss works,” Abby countered.

“Someone once told me I had no idea what loss is,” Ellie whispered. The words were stuck in her throat, but she managed. “They were right. You, too.”

“It’s not about being right,” Abby replied. “It’s about the truth.”

Ellie’s voice was stretched thin. “I can’t go back.”

“Doesn’t matter,” The bed squeaked as Abby stood up, her hairbrush in hand. “Get some sleep.” Abby walked past Ellie, shouldering her backpack and weaponry on the way out the bedroom.

Ellie pressed her hand to her wound and inhaled sharply. She stood and the gravity of exhaustion threatened to make her collapse to the floor. She took Abby’s place and pulled the blanket over her head, laying on her left side and curling into herself.

×

Abby’s eyes opened, then they closed. She moaned and she shifted on the couch, opening her eyes and squinted, looking at the Sun through the glass door, closer to sunset than sunrise.

I didn’t dream this time.

She rubbed the sides of her neck, gasping as she remembered how the noose tightened around her neck and the weightless feeling that started to shroud her mind the longer she swung.

If it wasn’t for Yara and Lev… Abby swallowed. She gave us a way out and I gave Lev a life. I did the right thing.

Abby’s stomach gurgled, taking her away from the bleak memories of Seattle. She looked to the stairs.

Soup sounds good.

Abby stood and walked to the stairs, the wood creaking beneath her feet. She craned her neck and listened for a moment.

You better be up there.

Abby walked to the bedroom, the door slightly ajar as she left it. She peered in and saw Ellie, curled up into herself on her side, the blanket scrunched at her feet.

Abby let out a sigh of relief and eased the door open. She kept her footsteps quiet and careful, making her way between the window and the bed. She crouched down, watching Ellie as she slept. She tilted her head, looking at the scar through her eyebrow, the freckles across her face, lips she knew Dina was familiar with.

Dad said people look innocent when they sleep. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think she couldn’t have killed my friends.

Ellie’s right wrist crossed over her left wrist in front of her face. Being this close to her, Abby spotted the ghost of a bite.

There’s the one she got yesterday and this one. Where’s the other?

Her eyes scanned the distinctive tattoo on her forearm, the crisp black design reaching underneath what she knew to be Dina’s bracelet, then back up her tattooed arm.

She covered it up. People in Jackson couldn’t know she was immune. Otherwise, I wasn’t going to be the only one with a death wish for Joel.

She wanted to grab Ellie’s wrist and inspect her arm, but she knew Ellie would lunge out of her sleep to punch her in the mouth.

She played Russian Roulette and won.

Abby observed Ellie’s face again, her eyebrows furrowing and frowning in her sleep.

I’m not the only one with bad dreams.

“I love you, please,” Ellie begged.

Dina.

“I’m not leaving you,” Ellie whispered, her voice strained from desperation.

Abby closed her eyes, wondering what life would be like if she put her pride aside and said the same to Owen all those years ago. She turned back to Ellie, looked at her like her father would look at a sick patient. She knew where it hurt.

Abby pressed her hands against the side of the mattress, leaned in closer and whispered, “Wake up.”

Ellie’s eyes fluttered open to see Abby’s face and jerked back, gasping and froze as the pain radiated from her wound.

“What’s happening?” Ellie whispered through heavy breaths, searching Abby’s eyes for a razor sharp focus, but finding nothing.

“Nothing,” Abby whispered. “I was waking you up for dinner.”

Ellie steadied her breathing and Abby ducked to reach underneath the bed. She grabbed one can, then another. She picked them up with both hands and stood.

“Chicken noodle and tomato?” Abby looked from one can to the other. “Which one do you want?”

“I don’t care,” Ellie replied, her voice hoarse from sleep.

“I want tomato,” Abby decided. “I’ll go get a fire started in the backyard.”

Once Abby left the room, Ellie rolled onto her back, wincing at the searing pain below her shoulder. She pressed her hand to her head and bit the inside of her cheek. Then over her heart, her heartbeat steady, but a little quick.

Everything hurts.

Ellie let herself lay there for minutes more and eventually sat up with a soft groan and swung her legs off the bed.

“Dina was right.”

Ellie stared out the window once more, forcing herself to get up. She reached down and grabbed her revolver, standing up as she stared at her inheritance.

“Your hands aren’t clean.”

Before she left the bedroom, she glanced at the empty recliner Abby slept in last night. Joel sat in it, strumming his six-string, the first few notes of that song, his lips moving.

“If I ever were to lose you…”

She blinked and he was gone. She slid the revolver into the back of her jeans.

“You’re no different than me.”

Ellie left the bedroom, leaving the door open behind her. Ellie took loaded steps down the stairs. The glass door was left open and she saw Abby in the backyard and in front of her, a sputtering fire.

Ellie crossed the room, stopping to see Abby’s backpack and guns leaning against the couch and one of the decorative pillows wedged on the inside the arm above her belongings.

She slept down here.

Ellie stepped over the door track. It was close to dusk, the sky orange and purple. She scrunched her nose at the stark smell of the smoke. She sat at Abby’s left, a comfortable arm’s distance between them. She watched her set the can of tomato soup down with tongs, blackened at the edge.

Abby nodded over at the other can between them, a spoon sticking out of the top. “It’s been cooling for a few minutes.”

Ellie touched the can with the tip of her finger. She wrapped her hand around the can and stirring the soup with the spoon. She lifted the spoon to her lips and slurped.

Had worse, Ellie thought.

Ellie ate slowly and soon, Abby joined her. Abby finished her soup quicker than Ellie could get through half of her own. Ellie watched Abby scrape at the sides of the can with her spoon.

“I can’t finish this,” Ellie held out the can and Abby looked from the can to Ellie, tilting her head and furrowing her brows with a question in her eyes. Abby took the can without a word and began to finish the soup.

Ellie watched Abby as she ate, her jaw openly almost mechanically as she pushed the spoon into her mouth. Ellie knew the food was a shot above garbage, but Abby spooned the soup into her mouth with urgency, one spoonful after another with no pause.

She eats like she’s never gonna eat again.

Still jarred by the regression, Ellie raked her eyes over Abby’s arms, light and shadow playing a game of tag across her skin. Her arms were more defined and cut than what they were in Santa Barbara, but still so much less of what they were in Seattle.

Ellie watched Abby swing the golf club again, shoot Tommy, watched the rage grow out of control on her face as she strangled Ellie, saw Abby raise her arm to strike her in the face, saw Abby holding the knife at Dina’s throat and Abby standing over her, bathed in red.

And here she was in the same rooms as Ellie, eating, breathing and waking up from nightmares, haunted by the ghosts of the past and nowhere close to her peak.

“You’re no different than me.”

Abby broke Ellie’s train of thought. “Insult me where I can hear it.”

Ellie turned away and looked at the fire. “I wasn’t—It’s just—” She stopped herself. I sound fucking stupid.

Ellie’s answer walked Abby backwards away from the edge and the blonde set down her can in the grass. A breeze blew by and both women scooted closer to the fire. Ellie held out her hands to warm them, then rubbed her upper arms, smoothing the goosebumps away.

Abby glanced at Ellie, she was rubbing her hands together. “You wanna tell me why you left?”

“Had someone else to even the score with?” Abby guessed. “I’m jealous.”

Ellie was silent.

“Fine, don’t tell me,” Abby sighed and rested her face on her knees.

It took Ellie a moment, but she finally put a sentence together in her head.

“After I let you go, I… I didn’t go back,” Ellie whispered. “Dina hasn’t seen me since I left her to go after you.”

I beat her to Jackson.

Abby and Ellie fixated on each other. It was Abby who broke the silence between them.

“What happened after?”

Ellie hesitated, biting her lip. “I retraced my… my steps.”

“Your steps?” Abby didn’t understand.

“I was born in Boston, Massachusetts,” Ellie whispered. “That’s where I met… where I met… Joel, Marlene, Tess and—” Ellie winced and stopped herself.

Abby didn’t speak, but her eyes followed Ellie’s hand as it rubbed the inside of her forearm. Abby made out the moth and the ferns that reached up towards her elbow.

Right, Marlene sent him across the country with her and Marlene made it first. But who is Tess? What name was she about to say?

Ellie continued, letting out a shaky breath. “I guess... I was searching for my soul.”

“You find it?” Abby asked.

Ellie shook her head.

“Then you’re still looking,” Abby concluded, casting her eyes up at the violet and orange sky.

“I stopped looking.” Ellie plucked a blade of grass and rolled it between the tips of her thumb and forefinger.

Abby opened her mouth and then closed it, unsure of how to respond.

Ellie reached around and grabbed the revolver. She held it in her hands, smoothed her thumb across the barrel, then she raised her eyes to the fire, alive and crackling. She heard the beginning notes in her head.

“I’m just a poor, wayfaring stranger,” Ellie sang, the same haunted voice Abby heard in the hospital. “Travelling through this world of woe…”

“There is no sickness, no toil, no danger in that bright land to which I go… I’m going there to see my mother… She said she’d meet me when I come...”

Abby listened, falling under a spell and watching Ellie’s lips form every word. “I’m just a-goin’ over Jordan, I’m just a-goin’ over home…”

Ellie inhaled, “I know dark clouds will gather ‘round me, I know my way is rough and steep, but beauteous fields lie just before me where gods redeemed their vigils keep…”

“I’m going there… to see my father,” Abby’s heart sank at the lyric and she was certain Ellie’s heart sank from the way her voice cracked at the word that tethered them together.

“I’m going there, no more to roam…” Ellie closed her eyes and looked at the revolver, “I’m just a-goin’ over Jordan… I’m just a-goin’ over home…”

Ellie didn’t continue.

“So your return was a goodbye,” Abby whispered.

If you’re gonna die, at least give the people who love you a chance to bury your body.

Ellie bit her lip, avoiding Abby’s penetrating eyes. “It wasn’t… I don’t know… I thought I’d feel different by the time I finished, but I never finished, so I went back...”

Ellie continued, “I didn’t just fuck up my life... I fucked up the lives of anybody who crossed paths with me, the lives of everyone I cared about. It wasn’t just selfish, it was—” Ellie stopped herself.

Guilt nagged at Abby from a pit in her stomach and she finished for Ellie. “Unforgivable.”

Ellie and Abby fixated on each other again, the fire in front of them letting off sparks. Nothing more was said between them. Abby was the first to look away and the evening air was loaded with grief between them.

Abby rose and smothered the fire with her boot until it was just smoldering embers. She grabbed the cans and silverware. Ellie followed her lead and they walked into the house. Abby discarded the remnants of dinner into an empty waste bin in the kitchen.

“Do you feel better?” Abby asked, knowing it was a useless question.

“I feel like shit,” Ellie answered. She eyed Abby. There was a change taking place, but she didn’t know where it would lead.

“You look like shit, too,” Abby looked at the bite between Ellie’s neck and shoulder, then her messy, dark hair that was strung together by dirt and grease. “I can help.”

Thanks, Ellie thought.

She pointed at Ellie’s wound. “It’ll be hard to do it yourself.”

Ellie knew Abby was right and sighed. “Fine.” She sat on the couch, her eyes looking at the revolver.

Abby moved across the room, opening a side pocket in her bag. She had packed a few shampoo and conditioner bars she picked up one of the marketplaces in Jackson. She turned them over in her hands, inhaling the scent of mint and pine and sighing, placing them next to the sink.

Reminds me of nights in Northern California.

She made quick of her time, grabbing towels from the closet upstairs, then ducking down into the basement to collect a pack of water bottles. She jogged back up the stairs, taking her place at the sink and ripping open the pack of bottled water.

“C’mere,” Abby gestured with her hand. Ellie rose from where she sat on the couch and walked over to Abby in front of the sink.

“Here, let’s take off your shirt,” Abby reached in to grab the hem and Ellie didn’t recoil. Abby maneuvered Ellie out of the shirt, laying it on the counter and Ellie shivered. Abby unwrapped the bars from their wrappings.

“Just lean over,” Abby instructed softly and Ellie did. She felt Abby gathering her hair into the sink. Abby cracked open a few bottles of water. It wasn’t considered a waste given that they couldn’t take it with them back to Jackson.

Slowly, she started to wet Ellie’s hair, emptying nearly two bottles over her head, careful to avoid her ears. Abby wet her hands and rubbed the shampoo bar between her hands, then she worked up a lather in Ellie’s hair, smoothing her hands over the fine strands.

Abby was careful, but sometimes Ellie would flinch and curse when Abby encountered a tangle. Abby murmured soft, short apologies to Ellie and did her best to make it more comfortable for her. Abby rinsed Ellie’s hair, unfazed by dirty water that was sucked down the drain.

This was life for women post-Outbreak, grooming when they could, hardly whenever they wanted to. All tragedies aside, Abby couldn’t understand why Ellie didn’t keep her head down like she had for the basic necessities that Jackson offered, but she understood the emptiness Ellie felt.

Safety means nothing to people capable of burning their lives to the ground.

Ellie closed her eyes and tried to let her shoulders relax as Abby worked the shampoo into her scalp and lathered the rest of her hair, Abby’s hands sliding along her strands gently.

I don’t need her sympathy, Ellie thought. She couldn’t deny it was nice to be taken care of, but there was a part of her that wondered if Abby would shoot her in cold blood, leave back to Jackson and claim Ellie did it herself.

Her stomach jumped into her throat at the thought of Abby using this weakness against her, but Abby’s fingers were persuasive otherwise, luring Ellie into a sense of serenity she hadn’t felt in so much time.

Abby rinsed two more bottles over Ellie’s hair and with her other hand, she smoothed her fingers through her hair. A natural luster returned to Ellie’s hair accompanied by a slight squeak that Abby could hear when she slid her fingers against her hair.

Abby took the conditioner bar and smoothed it between her wet hands. Just as she did with the shampoo, Abby worked the conditioner through Ellie’s hair. The tangles seemed to melt away before Abby’s fingers.

“’Kay, last rinse,” Abby said, twisting off the caps of a few more bottles.

“Alright,” Ellie replied, closing her eyes as Abby drenched her hair again. Ellie’s breaths came shallow and fast, but she held her breath by the time the bottle was finished. Abby squeezed Ellie’s hair as she rinsed and the water eventually ran clear.

Abby wrapped a towel around Ellie’s hair in the sink and squeezed for a few minutes, then draped the towel around her shoulders. She gave Ellie her personal space back.

“Thanks,” Ellie said slowly, raising her head from the sink.

Abby shrugged. “It was nothing.”

Ellie reached for her tanktop and turned to Abby. “I wish I could just cut it and it wouldn’t be in the way, but I can’t.”

“The bite,” Abby already knew. Ellie nodded at Abby and looked into the sink.

“I can…” Abby shifted one foot to the other. “I can braid it if you want.”

“Like yours?” Ellie asked, smoothing her hand down the back of her head. She wasn’t too thrilled at the idea of looking exactly like Abby and all the same, she wasn’t one for vanity, a life like this left no room for it.

“From the side,” Abby scoffed, catching the distaste in Ellie’s tone. She touched the handle of the hairbrush. “Go sit on the couch.”

Abby and Ellie walked to the couch, Abby stopping to retrieve a black ribbon from her backpack. Ellie sat on the couch with knees to her chest and faced the door. Abby joined her. Abby tousled Ellie’s hair one last time with the towel and threw it to the floor.

Abby brushed through Ellie’s slightly damp hair, noting it was thinner than her own. She left Ellie’s bangs out, they were past her chin, knowing that she’d never seen Ellie with her hair pulled all the way back like herself.

She started the braid on Ellie’s left side, fingers crossing and tucking sections over each other. Ellie kept her eyes closed.

I can’t believe I’m letting her do this.

“Who taught you how?” Ellie asked, craving anything but her own thoughts, even if it was Abby’s voice.

Abby thought back, pausing before she answered.

“I think her name was Madeline. We met when I was twelve and she was fourteen. She could do all types of braids.”

She wove Ellie’s hair towards her right shoulder, keeping the braid neat, brushing again when she needed to. “I know a few because of her, but I stick to a Dutch braid.”

Ellie wanted to nod, but kept her head still. Abby noted that her hair was nearly as long as hers as she braided. She tied it with a black ribbon and set the braid over Ellie’s shoulder.

“Okay,” Abby whispered. “I’m done.”

Ellie stood up and felt the back of her head with tentative fingers. It felt strange and she’d never wore her hair like this a day in her life. Abby once again took in Ellie’s story of scars, now knowing not all of them were from Seattle or Santa Barbara.

“I’ll help you into your shirt,” Abby said. Ellie turned around and let her. Abby pulled the tanktop around Ellie’s neck and Ellie put her good arm through. Careful not to stretch the fabric, the two worked together on Ellie’s worst side. Abby’s knuckles grazed Ellie’s sides as she pulled the tanktop down over her stomach and Ellie’s breath hitched. Abby noticed, but played nonchalant.

She probably thinks I’m gonna kill her.

Abby backed away and the words tumbled off Ellie's tongue. “Thank you.”

Abby only nodded. “You should rest up.”

Ellie walked up the creaking stairs, stopped and spared a glance at Abby. Abby sat, leaning forward with her arms resting on her legs. Abby smoothed her hand down the entirety of her braid.

Abby turned towards the stairway once she heard the stairs stop creaking. Her eyes fell on Ellie and they were soft.

Ellie swallowed, she was caught. “Night.”

Abby replied, “If you can’t sleep, just come back down.” Abby turned away.

Ellie nodded and continued up the rest of the stairs. She ducked into the bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror.

This is what they’ll see when I return.

She smoothed her hand down the braid of auburn just as Abby had done with her own.

And Abby will be at my side.

Ellie left the bathroom and walked into the bedroom. She closed the door behind her, pressed herself against it and slid down. Despair and dread filled her.

She’s the only person in the world that understands me.

It was Abby’s Pacific blue eyes focused on her all night. Abby’s fingers, gentle with her hair. Abby’s voice, telling her she could come back to her if she couldn’t sleep.

Abby.

Abby.

Abby.

Tommy said killers belong with killers, but there’s no fucking way.

Notes:

My deepest apologies, I've been working, but Abby and Ellie work harder! I rewrote the beginning of this chapter about three times, deeply unsure of how it would end. But now you know where Ellie was for a year and a half and why she left Jackson. From the moment I started this fic, I knew I was writing Ellie after she retraced her steps from Boston to Jackson.

When Abby asks if her return was a goodbye, Ellie knew that it wasn't, at least not at first, but that's what it became.

Ellie comes to a realization that it's Abby who understands her more than anybody else in the world and it's enough to turn her world upside down just as much as returning to Jackson and finding out Abby living there was.

Abby on the other hand grapples with her subconscious choosing Ellie and her subconscious acts out in her waking life, she now understands that Ellie didn't choose any of this. I hope you liked the fluff of Abby washing Ellie's hair and braiding it for her. It's fluff with tension and not quite sexual yet.

I chose Wayfaring Stranger as the title of this chapter ultimately after I knew this was the chapter that I would reveal where Ellie had been all this time. It personifies her deeply.

Also, why isn't Abby and Ellie's ship name Allie? It's Allie for me!

I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, make sure you go listen to Wayfaring Stranger and let me know what you think!

Chapter 13: Asking For It

Was she asking for it?

Was she asking nice?

 Yeah, she was asking for it,

Did she ask you twice?

If you live through this with me,

I swear that I will die for you

And if you live through this with me,

I swear that I will die for you

—Hole

 

Abby tossed and turned on the couch for what felt like hours. Her thoughts sped away from her and her heart quickened in her chest. She sat up on the couch and wondered what exactly what time it was.

She stood, sighing. What’s the fucking point?

Her head hung low and she dragged her feet into the kitchen, looking for a bowl and settling on a metal baking sheet. She grabbed a bottle of water. She walked outside, making her steps light, but it was no use. Diablo stared her down.

“You, too?” She asked, setting the baking sheet down in the grass. She poured some water for the stallion.

“Dude, you gotta sleep,” she told the stallion. The horse huffed and she grinned.

Abby breathed in the crisp night air, rubbing her arms.

Salt Lake City smelled of Ponderosa Pines and the briny winds that wafted off the Great Salt Lake, it reminded Abby of hope. Like all things in Salt Lake City given enough heat, hope dried up and vanished, leaving the Fireflies’ parched and desperate. She shivered as a breeze rushed past her and there it was again, filling her nose, the aroma of a fragmented dream.

I just want to leave, she thought, looking at the twinkling stars and her eyes fell on the Moon, a sliver of light in the sky.

She slid the glass door behind her on the way in and bristled from the way it grated against the rusted metal.

She pushed herself away from the glass door and paced around the couch.  

Bringing her back doesn’t mean I redeem myself. Abby knew this before leaving Jackson. She condemned herself for her Guilt, but what was the outcome?

She stopped in her tracks, drawing in a shallow breath.

I don’t deserve it, she thought. Not even in death. Not after.

Abby didn’t believe in an afterlife, but she knew Lev did. Her mind wandered back to those days of uncertainty. There were plenty of nights prior to her arrival at Jackson where she would hear him murmuring words of prayer to the Prophet. Prayers for shelter, safety, fresh meals and the courage to move forward when none of that was within sight. Abby didn’t believe, but she’d gotten him everything he prayed for and then some. Somebody had to.

Abby sunk into a memory.

Abby wrinkled her nose, even through her sleeping bag, she could smell the sourness of the wooden floor. Pins and needles tingled the skin of the shoulder she laid on. She shifted to relieve it and closed her eyes to sleep. She dozed between the present and a restless sleep without a dream.

“Please,” Lev’s voice cracked from a few feet away. Abby’s eyes opened completely and she fought the urge to look over her shoulder. She listened, wondering if Lev was having another nightmare. She readied herself.

“Every time I think of her, I just see them shooting at her,” Lev whispered. He sucked in a sharp breath. “Why did they shoot her so many times?”

Abby was still and her mouth twisted. She closed her eyes for a moment and she was back there, freezing at the sight of Yara wrestling with the Wolf, then the pops of the gunshots and Yara’s name spilling off her lips.

“Why did you let her die like that?” Lev sniffled, gasping.

Abby swallowed. Guilt surged within her.

I should’ve went through first, I should’ve went through first, I should—

“I need your help, I don’t want to be without Yara,” Lev whispered.

Abby couldn’t get out of her sleeping bag fast enough, unzipping herself free and lunging at Lev who barely met her half way. She wrapped her arms around him, squeezing and Lev crumbled, his sobs racking them both.

“Shhhhhhh,” Abby hushed him, squeezing her eyes closed to stop her own tears as she felt his tears creep through her shirt. “You’re not alone, I won’t leave you, I promise, I promise…”

The memory shocked her still and she wobbled, catching herself. She closed her eyes and saw Lev running out of the grey fog, reaching out for her as if she was going to vanish into thin air before his eyes.

Has he been praying for me? The thought made Abby’s heart plummet into her gut. A cry of misery swollen in her mouth only to be swallowed back down like bitter vomit.

The weight of her mistakes dragged her to her knees. She shuddered and doubled over, a burning pressure below her shoulders. She imagined the wings she deserved were sprouting from her body and she knew if they did, she would just fly away from everything and everyone.

The salt of her tears burned her eyes and humiliation kicked her stomach from the inside. She blinked, trying to clear her vision as the tears fell and collided with the wooden floor. She sucked in a gasp and her teeth slid against each other in an effort for self-control.

A strained moan slipped through Abby’s teeth and Abby squeezed her eyes closed. Every mistake and every sin crawling up inside her chest, constricting around her heart.

Stop crying, you’ll be back with him soon. She begged herself. She hated herself for crying so much and yet, she couldn’t remember the last time she let herself go.

She slammed her fist against the floor once, twice, a third time where the skin of her knuckles was scraped. She reared up and breathed slower, more steady. She shook the sting out of her hand, stopping to stare at the blood that welled up under the broken skin.

Her lips parted in a silent gasp at the sound of wood creaking. Her eyes tracked up and settled on a silhouette.

Goddamn it.

She followed Ellie with her eyes, watching her descend the stairs, the wood groaning beneath her feet.

Ellie was an apparition crossing the room. Ellie took her place on the couch, scrunching herself into the corner.

“You’re up.” Ellie whispered. “I can’t sleep either.”

Abby staggered to her feet and joined Ellie without looking at her, keeping a safe distance at the other corner of the couch. Abby smeared what was left of her tears away, deepened her breathing and reached for composure, but shame was tied to her feet, dragging her down.

Great timing as usual, Abby thought, her nose scrunching as she sniffled.

“Yeah,” Abby replied, her voice soft yet strained. Abby wasn’t in a mood to lecture Ellie about how one of them should try to get a few hours worth of rest. There was no such thing as rest in a world like this.

The air was thick between them until Ellie’s voice cut through it. “Does Dina know you came after me?”

Abby breathed in, Dina’s pitiful brown eyes coming into focus in her mind. It was like someone drained the life out of her.

“I don’t know,” Abby whispered. “Maria and Tommy let me leave—”

“Then she knows,” Ellie concluded, drawing her legs into her chest and holding them there. Ellie used her knees as cover to hide her face. Guilt seized her.

Of course, she knows them better than I do, Abby thought.

Abby heard her mumble a sour, “Fuck everything,” and couldn’t help but agree.

Abby sensed Ellie’s cold feet, “I’m not going back by myself.”

There was the click of Ellie’s teeth and the sharp sucking of air.

“Why Jackson?” Ellie let go of her legs and she fiddled with her disfigured fingers. “When?”

Abby hesitated, her lips parted, but nothing would come out. It was like she had a noose around her neck all over again.

“You bit off my fucking fingers, Abby, don’t bite your fucking tongue.”

Abby winced and for a brief moment, she saw Ellie strumming a guitar, her fingers sliding along the strings of a guitar and her lips parting to sing a song.

“It wasn’t my idea, it was Lev’s,” Abby answered, glancing at Ellie, just a living, breathing shadow. There was a part of her that hated that she told Lev about Jackson and hated herself for telling the truth. “September.”

Fuck. Ellie closed her eyes and released her fist, the anger leaving as quickly as it came. It was Abby’s voice. “I know he’s nothing to you, but he’s everything to me.”

Ellie didn’t need to ask, she already knew. “Traveling with a kid isn’t… easy,” Ellie whispered. Shame swelled inside of her chest, a memory of her holding her switchblade to Lev’s throat.

Joel would’ve fought for me if I was unconscious in that boat. Ellie realized, seeing Abby’s borderline emaciated body carrying Lev. Being around Abby like this only made that day in Santa Barbara clearer.

He did fight for me while I was unconscious.

In the next brief silence, Ellie cradled the stumps of her fingers and Abby circled her thumb firmly against the inside of her wrist, urging the circulation of blood to her hand.

Abby spoke, her voice crossed with grief and curiosity as to where Ellie was steering the conversation. “It’s dangerous.”

Ellie leaned back into the couch, a memory came back into focus.

She was running through a hotel hall, the carpet rug red like blood beneath her feet and her chest was burning. She could hear him struggling against the Hunter.

“I’ll fucking kill you, you son of a bitch!” The Hunter taunted.

Ellie ran faster, the sound of her heartbeat in her ears.

A bat… or a 2×4, I can’t fucking remember, swinging through the air, then the sound of it hitting skin, blunt and hard, then Joel’s grunt of pain. Ellie’s black converses slapped against the floor.

Ellie slid to a stop, watching the Hunter stand over Joel who held his hand up to block. Ellie spotted the brick and scrambled for it.

“Heads’ up, motherfucker!” Ellie shouted, the brick leaving her hand and colliding with the Hunter’s head.

She almost grinned, almost, but shrunk wondering if Joel held up his hands to block the golf club. She blinked away his battered face, blurred in her mind.

“I couldn’t keep putting him through it,” Abby admitted. Ellie’s jaw locked.

“Too many close calls…” Ellie turned her head to look at Abby in the dark, squinting to make her out. “What was in California?”

Abby breathed in and Ellie caught a tremble in her voice. “Dead Fireflies.”

Goddamn, Ellie thought, swallowing. She wanted to ask more, but doubted Abby wanted to talk at all. She heard her weeping from the top of the stairway.

Abby surprised her.

“Crossed the country and back?” She probed, her voice somber. “Alone?”

Ellie shook her head. “Yeah, for the most of it… but I met people.” Names were few far and between, but faces flashed before her eyes. There were people she traded with, people who aimed a gun at her only to lower it, people whose lives she saved.

Abby nodded. She was always tougher than she looked.

“A long journey on foot,” Abby rubbed her thumb against her palm. California had no end in sight.

Ellie traced the Hamsa on her wrist with the tip of her finger, her voice was thin like a thread. “I got lucky along the way, a horse, a few cars…”

Lucky as hell, Abby thought.

“What’s the East Coast like? Never been.”

Ellie breathed in, it was a hard question to answer. “Uhm… Boston’s QZ fell. And the people there, they almost shot me on sight. A friend of a friend let me stay for a few weeks and hooked me up with a car to go back West.”

Beth.

She sighed, picking at the white threads of her jeans, remembering a cup of rustic booze set in front of her by a tall graying brunette with blue eyes and a voice like velvet, threaded with Southern comfort just like Joel’s.

Beth asked, “So where are Joel and Tess now?” The question made Ellie’s throat tighten.

“Tess got bit,” Ellie’s skin crawled on the inside of her right arm as she watched Beth’s eyes widen. The woman spat her drink out onto the floor out of spite. “She took on the FEDRA soldiers by herself to buy me and Joel time to get away. They shot her.”

Beth shook her head and smoothed a hand through her chestnut hair, streaked with threads of silver before slamming it on the table.

Ellie watched the ripples in her booze. Cause and effect.

 “Goddamn, sounds ‘bout right. Tess had the heart of a lion.”

The ghost of a smile glimpsed across Ellie’s face. “She did.”

Beth sipped her drink, her blue eyes like a storming winter. “And Joel?”

“My aunt,” Ellie’s voice wavered as she lied, not knowing why it was Marlene she thought of, “She got shot, so Joel took me out to where his brother lived and looked after me himself. He was my… my dad. Everything was quiet for a few years and then he got ambushed by someone who wanted payback.”

Beth looked at Ellie, bewildered. “Payback for what? Joel wasn’t a saint, but…”

“He never told me,” Ellie whispered, catching herself in the mirror—Her auburn hair shaggy, tickling the back of her upper arms and her eyes greener against the shadows underneath them. Only a glance and she couldn’t bear it, looking into her lap. Telling lies felt wrong.

“How did he die?” Beth leaned towards Ellie. The skin on Ellie’s arms crawled and she shuddered.

Beth reached out with a wise hand, spotted by the sun, and covered Ellie’s disfigured hand. She squeezed. “When you’re ready, no rush, darlin’.”

Ellie reached for her drink and gulped it down, bitterness coating her tongue and her soul. “He was beaten to death with a golf club.”

Beth gasped, jerking back. “Say you’re full of shit!”

Ellie squeezed her eyes closed and shook her head. Beth downed the rest of her drink and was silent for far longer than what Ellie would have cared for, consumed by contemplation.

“He crossed the wrong person,” Beth concluded, her fingers tapping quickly against the table. “That’s cold-blooded, pure hate,” Beth spat.

Ellie nodded, she wasn’t sure if it was the booze, but there was a dull ache in her chest, the place where she always had Joel.

Beth let out a breath and fixed her eyes on Ellie. “Tell me they found the son of a bitch.”

Ellie squeezed her disfigured hand into a fist, the smell of salt water and blood fresh in her nose. “No, they got away.”

Ellie blinked herself out of the memory and looked at Abby.

“Boston is by the ocean. I went to the beach every night.”

She remembered walking along the beach, something she wasn’t allowed to do living in the QZ. The sky was clustered with steel grey clouds. Past all of the salt water, she smelled the onset of rain. The brisk, howling winds blew off the Atlantic and the rough waves rushed towards the shore like a shadow. She kneeled down and slid her fingers into the cold sand and nearly jumped out of her skin as the thunder clapped, a vein of lightning exposing the sky.

Abby was silent.

“New York City is No Man’s Land,” Ellie whispered. “Same signs for miles telling people to stay the fuck out.”

“My dad said New York was the turning point.” Abby added, her voice solemn and low. “He was about to go to work on September 25^th, 2013 when he got a phone call. It was a friend from his college who worked in Manhattan. She was hysterical, saying the ICU patients were biting the staff. The military got wind of it, showed up that morning, said no one was leaving and shot a doctor for trying.”

Abby inhaled, seeing her father’s watery eyes. “His friend described her bite, described the symptoms of what she was seeing and told him, ‘This is our extinction event.’”

Ellie’s breath hitched, a chill slithering down her spine and the drawing of her brain flashing through her mind: By this time, we will have altered the course of history.

“It could have been different…” Ellie whispered slowly.

It clicked into place for Abby. It’s complicated for her. She feels guilty, but… Ellie’s words, echoing. I was fourteen! I had the rest of my life!

She didn’t ask for any of this, Abby chewed her bottom lip. If it was me… I don’t think my dad would have…

“I’m not supposed to be here,” Ellie mumbled. She grimaced and flexed the fingers on her left hand, a knife slicing the fingers that were no longer there.

Abby leaned back into the couch and smoothed her hands against her thighs. “So you think you’re better off dead.”

“Nothing is ever my fucking choice!” Ellie hissed.

Abby turned her head to face Ellie. “Mercy wasn’t your choice?”

A silence simmered between them.

“Your kid,” Ellie breathed out. “You said you couldn’t keep putting him through it.”

“Yeah, I did,” Abby and Ellie locked eyes.

Ellie’s voice was laced with desperation. “He went through enough, didn’t he?”

Abby breathed in. What are you getting at?

“And you went to Jackson, knowing he would be safe there, right?”

Abby closed her eyes, trying to think. “At first I—He settled in fine, he’s safe.”

“Joel did the same thing,” Ellie whispered.

The words stung Abby and she swallowed hard, looking away. I fucked up.

“I'm… I...” Abby struggled to speak and it was Lev she saw on that hospital table. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Her father cutting into Lev like he wasn’t a child, just an animal to be dissected. No, not Lev. He’s not disposable.

Tears stung her eyes and she looked at Ellie.

“I know it doesn’t change a fucking thing, but… if it was Lev on that table in St. Mary’s Hospital,” Abby sucked in a trembling breath. “I would’ve killed anybody who tried to stop me. I am so sorry I took him from you.”

Abby jumped to her feet and started off towards the glass door, but Ellie was quick on her feet, her hand locking around Abby’s wrist.

“Wait,” Ellie whispered. “J-Just wait.”

Their breaths were shallow.

Abby tried not to look at Ellie, but Ellie was staring at her unravelling.

“Fuck,” the curse came out hot, serrated with nervousness, “What?”

“I shouldn’t have went to Seattle,” Ellie whispered. “I couldn’t… I thought…”

Abby set her eyes on Ellie, watching as her throat moved beneath the skin of her neck, then back up to her eyes, reminding Abby of coral behind glass.

“I was fucking blind,” Ellie closed her eyes and opened them, “I wanted… I wanted justice. I went too far and I know I did. I didn’t plan on killing your friends at the aquarium.”

Abby nodded, blinking away tears and the frozen faces of Owen and Mel. Ellie’s words echoed in her mind, I didn’t mean to. It happened so fast. The gun just went off, over and over again.

Ellie let go of Abby’s wrist and crossed her arms, it was like Abby was staring straight through her. “I’m not proud of what I did. I’m sorry.”

Abby casted her eyes on the floor and rubbed the inside of her wrist again, her skin tingling. Ellie’s eyes didn’t leave Abby’s face and when Abby looked up again, she saw it, the remorse in her eyes.

“You let me save him again by sparing me. Thank you.”

“Come back with me,” Abby whispered weakly.

She sounds like she’s begging.

Ellie only nodded. Without saying much more, Ellie climbed the stairs again and Abby went outside to sit in the grass, hoping the sounds of night would lull her towards sleep.

×

Abby stood over the counter, her fingers carefully loading the rifle bullets into the magazine. She counted each in her head. She tried to ignore the way her hair stood up on the back of her neck, but looked over her shoulder as she heard the stairs creaking. She resumed her count.

“I was gonna wake you up,” Abby pushed another bullet into the magazine. “How is your wound?”

“Hurts,” Ellie answered, her gear slung over her stronger shoulder. Abby looked up briefly, then looked back down at her bullets.

“No fever?” Abby asked, pushing the last three bullets into the magazine. She remembered Ellie’s skin was red and swollen around the wound.

“No,” Ellie answered. 

“’Kay,” Abby replied, loading her pistol. “I’m almost done here, so just sit tight.”

Abby couldn’t get her mind off the conversations between herself and Ellie. She spent the early morning, unloading and reloading all her guns, organizing her backpack. It was a useless attempt at distraction and there was always something that Ellie said that would cause her to stop what she was doing and try to dissect it.

She glanced over at the girl with her black cherry hair and looked away before she could notice.

She’s had so many chances to kill me here.

Abby walked to Ellie and handed her a full magazine’s worth of handgun ammo and a water bottle. Ellie took it in silence, reloading her pistol’s magazine.

“You ready?” Abby asked, her voice was soft.

Ellie stood. I guess.

Ellie followed Abby out the glass door, pausing to slid it behind her. Abby walked over to the fence and slammed her shoulder up against it and it swung open. She turned around and clicked her tongue. Diablo followed Abby into the driveway and Ellie followed behind them.

“Alright, Diablo, we’re homebound,” Abby whispered.

Ellie thought her feet were far from the ground. Homebound.

Abby mounted Diablo and turned, setting her eyes on Ellie. She held out her hand, but Ellie was far away, her green eyes vacant staring past Abby, but to Abby, it was hair-raising.

“Don’t be a space cadet, I miss my bed,” Urgency colored Abby’s voice, pulling at the reins to keep Diablo still.  

Ellie blinked and Abby’s face came into focus.

Ellie gave Abby her left hand and Abby closed her eyes—Her missing fingers—Ellie leveling her right arm to stop her from ripping out her stitches and Abby pulled as hard as she could, letting out a grunt as she helped Ellie onto Diablo. Ellie adjusted her seating, scooting closer and leaning into Abby, tightening her arms around her stomach.

Home.

Ellie swallowed as Abby sent the horse off with a soft, “Go!”

×

Abby and Ellie rode through the city, the Salt Lake Sun rising in the sky. The clouds were few and far between, the air was brisk and sharp with the wind blowing through the broken windows of the buildings.

Abby was a quiet rider, something Ellie was grateful for. Aside from praising and directing Diablo, she would ask Ellie how she was doing and Ellie  kept it short with, “Fine,” or “I’m good.”

Diablo’s hooves clattered against the asphalt and the  biting wind made Ellie shiver. Ellie knew they would be back in Jackson before nightfall and the thought made her stomach churn. The buildings of concrete and metal blurred past them as they rode.

Abby leaned forward as she steered them down a street familiar to her. She craned her neck, spotting something and urged Diablo forward.

Less than a minute of Diablo’s hooves clicking against the pavement and Abby pulled at the reins, crooning softly, “Easy, boy, easy…”

Ellie watched as Abby slid off of Diablo and stood, staring at the faded pink paint on the torn black awning. Oasis.

Abby walked up to the store with its shuttered windows and door. It was many years ago when Leah and Nora dragged her out to this spot. It was Leah’s stupid idea, talking about how people before Pre-Outbreak didn’t hold back when it came to fucking. Nora was chaperoning, but didn’t believe Leah. Abby pretended she didn’t believe Leah either, but curiosity got the best of her. They ended up not being able to get in through the metal shutter and Leah bitched the whole way back.

Gotta be a way in.

Abby looked back at Ellie. “I’ll be right back, just stay there.”

Abby jogged to the back of the building and spotted a ladder. She sighed.

Well, this was here all along.

She turned on her heels and doubled back to the front of the building. Ellie was in her place, stroking Diablo’s mane.

“Hey, I… I need some help,” Abby called. Ellie looked over at Abby, she stood with her arms crossed, kicking the ground with the tip of her boot.

“Yeah,” Ellie said, swinging her leg over and sliding off of Diablo. Ellie followed Abby to the back of the store. Abby stopped in front of the ladder, kicking broken glass out of her way. She turned to Ellie, kneeled and locked her gloved hands.

“Get that ladder for me?”

Ellie nodded and stepped into Abby’s hands, and Abby launched her up. Ellie clambered up the ladder, cursing from the strain below her shoulder. Ellie got to the top and pulled the latch to the ladder and it dropped with a screech.

Below, Abby walked backwards and peered out at the street. She waited a moment with her pistol in hand, listening and watching.

Abby climbed the ladder and met Ellie on the roof. Abby looked to the door and tried the knob, sighing when it opened.

Whoever ran this shop was in a hurry to escape. Abby thought, pressing her flashlight button. She jogged down the stairs with Ellie close behind. Abby tried the next door.

Yeah, rushed out, she thought as the door opened. She heard Ellie click her flashlight on and pressed on through the door.

Abby sighed as she scanned the room, her flashlight falling on numerous female mannequins dressed in either lace, mesh or leather. Abby stopped on the leather mannequin, a creation of black straps, buckles and silver rings.

Covers… nothing, Abby thought. Leah was right. People in the Old World were… different.

Ellie cleared her throat, snapping Abby out of her train of thought. “What… the fuck are we doing here, Abby?”

Abby’s neck tingled with heat and the words came fast and nervous, “I just need to get something, I won’t be long.”

Ellie squinted at the back of Abby’s head. What the fuck?

Abby walked further into the store with Ellie following behind, her flashlight shining on the abandoned products on the wall, her eyes jumped from one piece of preserved merchandise to the other, reading the labels.

Ten different speeds, rotating, pumping?—The shit I do for this kid, Jesus.

Abby turned on her heels and froze, “Holy fuck—” It was phallic shaped and violet, but impossible for a human as far as she knew.

Ellie snorted, reaching out to squeeze it, the material firm against her hand. “Who the fuck was taking this monster?”

Abby turned away, rolling her eyes.

Ellie picked up a long expired bottle in her hand, squinting at the label, Strawberry, and putting it back.

She glanced over at Abby. She was behind a counter, her arms outstretched, trying to grab a box on a high shelf.

“Right, nobody wants to fuck you in Jackson.”

Abby recoiled, fixing her stare on Ellie and stammered, Michael crossing her mind as a defense and finally, she came up with a coherent reply.

“This isn’t for me,” Abby hissed.

Ellie scoffed. “Whatever you say.”

“It’s not,” Abby crossed her arms and looked away. “I don’t… I’m not…”

Ellie strode over, leaning against the counter separating her and Abby. “Oh, yeah, then who?”

“Fuck you,” Abby snapped, a cold anger flashing in her steel blue eyes.

Ellie pushed herself away from the counter and walked to a rack of magazines. Abby followed her with her eyes. Ellie picked up a magazine off the rack with a black haired woman hiding her breasts with her hands and flipped it open.

Abby turned back to the shelf behind her and bit her lip as her eyes trailed from one box to the next. There were variations in size regarding girth and length. Abby rubbed her temples with the tips of her fingers.

This isn’t just for Lev, it’s for Iyra. Her eyes opened and she felt her stomach roll with regret. Maybe I should’ve asked Laurel, but Laurel doesn’t…

Abby let out a sigh and rolled her shoulders. That’s a bridge we need to cross.

Abby glanced back at Ellie to make sure she wasn’t watching her every move. Ellie was lazily flipping through the magazine until something Abby couldn’t see grabbed her attention. Ellie pulled the magazine closer.

Maybe she… Abby turned away, her stomach doing several flips. Fuck.

Abby swallowed and her voice seemed so small. She turned to Ellie. “How do you—?”

Ellie looked up.

A second question came to mind, one Abby hadn’t considered.

“Can you even fuck?” Abby asked.

If looks could kill, Abby would’ve been dead from the way Ellie glared at her. “I’m not fucking contagious.”

Abby tried to hide the look of defeat on her face and Ellie went on. “If I was…” Ellie held up her left hand to remind Abby. Abby casted her eyes at her feet, wanting to crawl up and die.

“What the fuck, Abby?” Ellie squinted at Abby.

“Leave it,” Abby replied, turning away.

“Spit it out, Abby!” Ellie demanded.

Fuck, Abby thought, refusing to look at Ellie.

Her response was demure, a soft whisper colored with shame, “I don’t know what I’m fucking looking for.”

Ellie squinted at Abby, her eyebrows furrowing and shaking her head. What the fuck?

Abby chewed her bottom lip. “What if you wanted to fuck someone, but you couldn’t because…” Abby trailed off, thinking of Lev and his insecurity.

Ellie’s feet carried her back to the counter and even though it was a whisper, it was still so blunt. “Because I don’t have a fucking dick?”

Abby nodded and closed her eyes. The heat flooded her face and her neck.

A clarity fell over Ellie. She gave Abby a once over, thinking, She’s full of shit. No way this isn’t for her.

And then there was something Ellie didn’t think she was capable of feeling. It came hard and fast, right in the chest and sunk to the pit of her stomach.

Who is this for? Ellie stopped herself from thinking, the hurt intensifying the more she thought of it.

Ellie decided she would humor her, as long as it got them home quicker, as long as it got them out of there quicker, so the nausea could leave. Fifteen minutes in here felt like two hours. She stalked around the long counter and ignored the way her stomach fumbled as her body brushed past Abby’s.

She scoped out the merchandise, crushing down a memory where Maria sent Dina and Ellie out about 20 miles from Jackson to “pick up supplies,” with the added warning of “Don’t get fucking distracted.”

The memory didn’t feel as warm as it used to and Ellie couldn’t remember much of that proceeding night—There was a lot of booze.

Ellie pointed with her  finger and her voice was low. “Pick what size you want.” Abby finally looked up and followed her finger. Ellie gestured down below, a series of different colored leather harnesses. “Grab one of those, make sure it’ll fit.”

Ellie squeezed past Abby again, noting that the blonde was completely stiff.

Ellie walked back to the clothing area, trying to blot out the noise of Abby going through the merchandise for her own sanity. Her eyes fell on a baby pink piece, completely see-through and ruffled from below the bust.

Dina would wear some shit like this, she thought, her heart fluttering at the thought.

Ellie sifted through the racks, looking for Dina’s size until she found it and folded it up tightly and stuffed the lingerie into her bag near the bottom.

Ellie wandered around the store, slowing to a stop in front of the books. Her eyes went glanced up at the sign. For Women By Women!

She traced her finger along the spine of the books, mouthing the titles to herself. She picked out a red book and flipped to the back, reading in her head.

Ana and Eveline belong to two opposing families at war. They cross paths on one fateful night and the women are forever changed, disillusioned and bro—

“Hey,” Abby whispered from behind Ellie. She looked up at the sign, then the book in Ellie’s hand. “We can go.”

Ellie looked at the book in her hand and sighed. Whatever.

She dropped her backpack and unzipped it, shoving the book inside, listening to Abby’s footsteps hurry up the stairs.

×

They passed through Salt Lake City and within hours, they were close to the Wyoming-Utah border where the trees became frequent and clustered, arranging into nature’s own maze. The clouds were grey  and the smell of rain lingered in the air.

The two women stuck to the highway and for the most part, it was dead silent until Abby heard a humming.

“Did you hear—” Abby started to ask, glancing over her shoulder.

“More than one truck,” Ellie answered, craning her neck towards the rumbling and readying her gun. Abby steered Diablo to jump the highway railing before the exit and rode into the forest for a few minutes, the forest blurring besides them in a flurry of green and brown.

Better safe than sorry, Abby thought as her hands tightened on the reins.

“Shit, shit, shit!” Abby hissed, hearing the engines cut much closer than she would’ve liked. She urged Diablo faster and grunted as a branch slapped her in the chest.

Ellie leaned into Abby, trying to keep her voice low. “Get off the fucking horse, Abby.”

Abby kept her eyes forward, anger poisoning her voice, “I’m not fucking doing that!”

“We’re making too much noise and we can’t get too far from the road or else we'll get fucking lost!” Ellie growled.

Abby steered Diablo through trees, pulling at the reins  to slow him down. She couldn’t tell if she was paranoid, but the goosebumps were rising on her arms beneath her jacket and on the back of her neck. They slowed to a stop.

“Okay, so what do you wanna do?” Abby asked impatiently, sliding off the Diablo, her boots crunching the grass beneath her feet. Ellie followed and staggered, regaining her balance.

Ellie pointed behind her. “We walk back—”

“Walk back? Walk back?!” Abby hissed through her teeth. “You heard more than one truck!”

A raindrop fell on Ellie’s face and she smeared it away with her hand, grimacing. She looked up at the endless wall of evergreens surrounding them. “We need to get out of this forest before this storm starts.”

“And run straight into whoever the fuck is chasing us?” Abby clenched her fists. She looked away from Ellie at the ground beneath her feet. She couldn’t shake the feeling something bad was going to happen.

Ellie pulled her hunting rifle off her back. “Oh, so you want them to follow us back to Jackson? Those trucks could attract a fucking horde! It’s not just your life at stake!”

“I fucking know that!” Abby argued back, her face flushed with anger.

“What’s the problem, then? You forgot how to fucking kill?” Ellie’s voice was high with anger.

“Fuck, no!” Abby growled, crossing her arms. She’s so lucky I won’t strangle her.

“Then, let’s fucking go, Abby!” Ellie demanded.

“Fuck it,” Abby breathed out. She gestured at her boots, lifting one up. “We need to split up, so they can’t track us both. We’ll track them first, but we need to work quick or else the rain will wash all the tracks away. We use Diablo’s tracks to get back to him and to the road. Clear?”

“Crystal,” Ellie replied quietly and put her backpack on the ground, reaching into the top pocket. She pulled out a compass and walked besides Abby. They both stared at the compass.

“We need to do it quick or else we lose visibility,” Abby held her hand up as she felt a raindrop.

“Yeah, that’ll fuck us just right.” Ellie pointed at their six o'clock. “We came from straight from the South.”

Abby nodded. “You hit them from the Northeast and I’ll hit them from the Northwest.” Abby unsheathed her military knife and carved an x into a tree to her right, sheathed it and took a hold of her military rifle.

“Let’s get this shit over with,” Ellie looked at Abby with darkened green eyes.

Abby met her gaze with icy blue eyes and said, “May your survival be long.”

She turned on her heels, thinking the rest of the saying, And may my death be swift.

Ellie watched Abby walk off for a second, repeating the words to herself as she turned on her heels.

×

Ellie kept a sharp eye as she slid behind trees, pressing herself up against the jagged bark. She peeked out and saw nothing.

“Where are you fuckers?” Ellie whispered. She blinked as she felt another raindrop. We don’t have a lot of time.

She traversed forward, using the trees and bushes as her cover. She tried to keep her footsteps quiet, but she knew she needed to move quickly, trying to cover a lot of ground. She was walking for minutes, diving in and out of cover.

The sound of a gun rang loud and clear from the Northwest. Ellie froze and followed the sound with her eyes, scanning the trees with her rifle ready.

Abby?

She strained to hear, but she could hear a voice screeching out a name in anguish.

It was her.

Ellie burst into a walk as a gun went off again, then twice more. The shots sounded different, softer like a pistol.

They all went in her direction. I need to hurry.

The silence was broken by a rifle shot, followed by another hair raising scream. Ellie pushed the branches out of her way, her heart starting to pound in her chest as she counted six pistol shots and then  nothing. Rain and silence fell over the forest. Ellie panted, looking in every direction as the light faded from the forest.

“C’mon, Abby, shoot back!” Ellie begged.

Ellie ran ahead for a minute, her converses squelching against the wet soil. Her heart pounded out of her chest as the rain fell harder.

She passed by a tree, squinting through the rainfall as she ran and nearly tripped over a thick tree root, spiraling out and back into the ground. Hands reached out to grab her, one hand over her mouth and the other yanking her back.

“Don’t say a fucking word, bitch!” The man threatened, pressing his pistol to the back of Ellie’s skull.

Fuck!

Ellie was thrown on the ground and she gasped, pain shooting through her chest from her wound was. Then it was his knee between her shoulders, crushing her down into the cold wet earth and his icy barrel of his gun pressing against the back of her head.

He paused as thunder exploded in the sky, a second passed by and there it was, Abby’s rifle followed another name screamed, muffled by the rain.

“Who else is with you?” The man demanded.

Ellie panted on the ground and rain crawled across her face. She swallowed hard as she counted three more seconds and lightning lit up the forest.

That lightning strike was fucking close.

Ellie readied herself and took a deep breath, hoping Abby would hear her.

“Fuck you!” Ellie screamed. She heard the noise of the gun against her skull before she felt it and everything went black.

×

Abby hid behind a tree and squeezed her gun, then peeked out ahead. She counted five heads, three male and two female. She pressed herself back up against the trunk.

“Okay, Abby, you got this,” she whispered to herself. She froze as she felt another raindrop. She waited no more and broke her cover, leaning and aiming at a man with a blonde buzzcut, her scope lining up right between his eyes,  a dark haired woman walked next to him and they were talking.

Abby pulled the trigger and the bullet whistled as it left its chamber. The man's head exploded, brains, blood and pieces of skull spraying in every direction.

“Ethan!” The woman cried. “They fucking got Ethan!”

“Next.” Abby whispered, a smirk stretching across her teeth.

Abby dove to the ground to her right and started to crawling on the ground through the grass and soil, more raindrops falling.

“I think it came from that way!”

Her heart started to pound in her chest as the strangers began to shoot.

Pistols, Abby thought, pulling herself across the ground, wincing as the second shot hit the tree behind her and another shot, the bullet flying closer than she would’ve liked.

The rain began to fall in earnest and she kept her head low as she passed three trees and pressed herself against the fourth tree's trunk, standing up and gripping her rifle.

Fuck, Abby thought, smearing the rain off of her face. Light seemed to leave the forest and Abby bit the inside of her cheek. She waited, breathing through her nose and looking carefully to her right and her left.

She squinted, trying to focus on the strangers’ voices.

“I’ll fucking—!”

Abby tried to measure the distance from the sound of voices, but the rain made it hard to tell where they were.

Abby held her rifle up and carefully stepped over the roots of the tree. She peeked out and held her scope up, breathing in as she aimed at the dark haired woman, her temple caught in the crosshairs of her scope. She pulled the trigger without hesitation and pressed herself against the tree.

“Hannah!” A man cried.

Abby whispered to herself, “Three to go.”

She pressed herself back against the tree and the shooting started. Abby counted two shots and where they hit, realizing these people didn’t know where she was. She went prone and crawled again behind a bush as four more shots were fired.

Abby peeked over the bush, aiming at the other woman, a tall redhead who couldn’t look more angry, oblivious to being caught in Abby’s crosshairs. Goosebumps rose all over her entire body as the thunder clapped in the sky. Abby took a breath as droplets of rain slid down her face and squeezed the trigger, the rifle kicking back in her hands.

She ducked back behind the cover and watched as a tree just fifteen feet away from her was struck by lightning.

“Jesus Christ!” Abby whispered, shouldering her rifle and taking three steps backwards, every cell in her body screaming at her to move as she watched the tree steam, the smell of charred wood filling her nose.

“Fuck you!” Ellie's bloodcurdling scream rang through the murky forest and Abby’s eyes widened, fear seizing her by the throat.

No, no, no! She did a one-eighty, turning on her heels and running through the rain towards Ellie’s voice, pulling out her pistol.

“Goddamn it!” Abby hissed, forcing herself through a bush with branches scraping across her skin like needles.

I have to get to her! Fuck!

She looked to her left and saw one of the men, shooting him in the neck. She kept going through the downpour as her legs burned and her heart pounded in her ears.

Abby’s ears rang from the thunder, then the noise of rain faded out as she saw the white flash of light. A burning pain seared up her right side and across her back. She was thrown backwards and her body crumpled on the ground.

Everything went black.

Notes:

Hi, I'm sorry, it's been nearly three weeks without an update, but this was three weeks of me writing this chapter. I hope all of you have been doing well. I'm finally bridging the parts of this fic together! It's like the sky bridge, in pieces in my notes.

I'm not the biggest fan of Hole for reasons that are obvious, but I'm not going to lie, I have a great deal of Live Through This on my inspo playlist for this fic. Basically I would go wild for an VGMV with nearly any song off that album.

I love the chorus, "Was she asking for it? Was she asking nice?..." because it highlights Ellie's immunity, Abby and Ellie's loss of their fathers and their shared regrets over the acts of revenge that brought more pain into their lives. Abby especially feels guilty over not being able to save the people she feels an obligation to protect and it shows in this chapter, it shows.

The song clearly has a huge sexual element attached to it regarding the flack women get over their sexuality which is why that sex shop scene managed to get in there (s/o to Abby just wanting Lev to be happy because she remembers and he's allowed to be happy). Either I'm a genius or an idiot.

"If you live through this with me, I swear that I will die for you," highlights the growing desperation Abby and Ellie feel towards each other at the end of the chapter. I love murderous Abby. Something about it.

I appreciate all kudos thrown my way, please let me know what you think! ❤️

Chapter 14: Would?

Notes:

TW/CW: This chapter does live up to the title of this fic and any negative tags I put to describe this fic, but this chapter does contain r*pe threats and paranoia over being r*ped as well, graphic depictions of violence and what I would consider as a close contact with gr**ming, you've been warned

Into the flood again,

Same old trip it was back then,

So I made a big mistake,

Try to see it once my way,

Am I wrong?

Have I run too far to get home?

—Alice In Chains

×

Abby opened her eyes and squinted as her vision blurred. The pungent smell of urine and blood filled her nose and the room was so dim. It felt like someone swung a hammer at the back of her skull and the entire right side of her body ached. She tried to move her wrists, but they were bound tightly behind her back. Sweat crawled down her face. Her bare feet slid against the freezing floor and her legs felt heavy. She squinted again, trying to clear her vision.

Where am I? I’m so tired.

She closed her eyes and tried to recall what happened.

Trees. Rain. Ellie. Light.

Abby’s eyes rolled back beneath her lids as she rested her head back against the wall.

Lev… Lev… Lev…

Abby dozed off into a dreamless sleep.

×

Abby pushed open the door, her heart pounding in her chest. She gasped, spotting long trail of blood leading to the operating room. The red lights flickered on the walls and the alarm sounded in her ears, but her heart was louder. She held her pistol in clammy hands.

“Whose blood is this?” Abby whispered to herself. She pushed herself to keep going despite the fear choking her.

She pressed on until she stood in front of the red door and she reached for the knob, her stomach dropping as she twisted it. She walked through the small operating hall, her eyes on the blood trail and with a trembling hand, she pushed open the door.

Her father stood over the table and there was blood all over his blue gloves and scrubs.

“Dad?” Abby whispered.

“Wake up, Abby.”

“Dad, whose blood is that?”

“Abby, wake up,” he ordered her. The operating room and her father faded into a dark, rainy forest before her eyes. The rain soaked her to the bone. She took off running in the direction her father was just standing in.

“Dad!” Abby called. “Dad, where are you?” The rain started to pour and she pushed harder.

“Dad, c'mon!” Abby screamed. “Come back!”

Abby stumbled over a thick tree root and fell straight into mud. She staggered to her feet and winced as the thunder flooded her ears.

“Dad, I’m scared, please!” She kept running, pushing branches of bushes out of her way and stumbling through the thick underbrush of the forest.

“Dad!” she screamed at the top of her lungs and flinched as lightning struck in front of her, blinding her and all she could see was white. The only thing she heard was her father’s voice.

Abby, wake up.

Abby, wake up.

Abby, wake up.

Abby, wake up.

Abby, stay calm.

×

A group of footsteps approached the door, followed by the grunts and cursing of a struggling woman. Bright lights flooded the room and Abby flinched, her eyes opening and immediately closing. She groaned. A door swung open and Abby looked up as Ellie was dragged into the room by her hair.

“I can’t fucking wait to watch you stupid motherfuckers take your last shit-smelling breaths! Just fucking wait, I’ll watch you fucking bleed o—”

One of the men slammed her up against the wall next to Abby. Running off adrenaline, Ellie spat in the man’s face in response. The man punched her in her stomach and Ellie’s legs buckled underneath her. Ellie coughed and wheezed as she fell to her knees, watching the man wiping his face through her auburn hair. 

“You’re gonna fucking die, Wolves!” Ellie screamed, her voice full of rage and grit.

Goosebumps rose all over Abby’s body and she felt a wave of nausea. Wolves?

Abby looked around the room, it was full of medical equipment.

Abby looked at her captors. I don’t remember.

One last pair of heavy footsteps approached the door and Abby didn’t look up, she was reeling. Wolves? We’re in Seattle? How long has it been?

It was Maria’s words echoing in her head. “Anything after four days and we’ll dig two graves for the both of you. Understand?”

Her heart started to pound in her chest and she clenched her jaw. Ellie wheezed next to her with every breath.

A black, steel-toed boot pressed against Abby’s chest, holding her against the wall and her eyes widened as she looked up.

You.

“You scrawny little fucking bitch!” The woman with short, messy blonde hair and blue eyes cackled. She had a sharp angular face like a fox. She was skinny and lean like Ellie, but as tall as Abby. “I can’t believe it. I mean, they told me, but goddamn!”

Abby was silent, her teeth sliding against each other. Ellie panted angrily next to her.

The woman spoke and her voice was high yet cold, “Abigail Anderson, 22 years old. Ex-Firefly. Isaac’s top Scar killer. Washington Liberation Front traitor.”

Ellie looked at Abby, but Abby stared up at the woman. Ellie saw the red scars, like fiery ferns going up Abby’s right arm, reaching her neck. Her green eyes widened.

The lightning.

“Natalie Thomas,” Abby shot back, her face scrunched in disgust as she mimicked her. “30 years old. Seattle Quarantine Zone trash. Isaac Dixon’s favorite dick-sucker.”

Isaac? The name was familiar to Ellie. She remembered seeing and hearing that name multiple times throughout her path of destruction through Seattle.

Ellie was pulled out of her head as Natalie yanked Abby to the floor by her braid and kicked her in the stomach. Abby inhaled through the pain, her teeth clenched together.

Don’t show her weakness, Abby told herself.

“I’ve been looking for you for a such a long time, Abby,” Natalie crooned sweetly. “Where have you been?”

Abby didn’t answer and Natalie gripped her braid and pulled her up back onto her knees and the pain was written in Abby’s face, but she didn’t dare open her mouth. Natalie let go of her hair and Abby let out the breath she was holding.

“For the last 14 months, I sent a crew to monitor Salt Lake City. It’s the one place I knew you would return to.”

 Natalie let out a girlish giggle as she leaned into Abby’s face. “And I got you!”

Abby’s mouth went dry and she clenched her fists, her face was flushed and her chest heaved with every breath.

Natalie’s thin, pink lips spread into a vindictive smile as she mimicked the radio call. “‘Do you read me, Nat? We got the bitch. Long blonde braid, black horse. She’s not jacked like before, but I know it’s her. She walked into St. Mary’s. Over.’ What a fucking miracle! Isaac would be so proud of me!”

Abby’s stomach lurched. How? I didn’t see anyone!

“I waited so long for this.” Natalie’s voice was dreamlike. Ellie looked between Abby and Natalie, choked by the fear that Abby might die in front of her on this day.

“What the fuck do you want, Natalie?” Abby growled.

“You thought nobody would ever figure out that you killed most of the rest of the Salt Lake Rats trying to cover your tracks?” Natalie asked, kneeling down to look at Abby in her eyes as she gripped the Ex-Firefly’s braid in her fist. “All for a little Scar boy, right?”

Ellie’s heart started to pound.

Abby breathed in. “I didn’t kill—”

Natalie punched Abby in her mouth and Abby spat out blood onto the floor. Abby panted, her mouth was throbbing.

“You’re a fucking snake, Abby! Nora was found dead in the lower levels of the Lakehill Seattle Hospital beaten to death with early signs of the Cordyceps Infection the same day you escaped!”

“That wasn’t me,” Abby hissed through labored breaths. She spat again, the taste of blood lingering on her tongue, sour and metallic.

Ellie stared at the floor, Guilt swallowing her whole. A heavy pipe in her hand, her own threat sounding off between her ears. “Because I can make it quick… or I can make it so much worse.”

“Bullshit, Anderson!” Natalie snapped. “Isaac told me about your little trip to avenge your daddy—Didn’t say who or where, but he said you beat your target to death with a golf club. He was so fucking proud of you.”

Abby panted. He was the only one proud of me.

Ellie flinched and behind her lids, Joel’s mangled and swollen face was as clear as the morning it happened. “Please, don’t do this! Joel, please get up!”

Ellie swallowed a scream and forced herself to focus.

“Then Manny’s body came back from the Marina missing an eye. They said it was a trespasser, but I think it was you who took out that entire crew. His father took his life not too long after.” Natalie pulled her fist back.

Ellie looked on and felt as if she was being strangled, but there was nothing around her neck. Tommy?

As Abby closed her eyes and waited for Natalie’s blow to land, she remembered Mr. Alvarez’s smiling eyes.

“Keep him safe,” Manny’s father told Abby with a smile on his face.

Abby patted the older man’s shoulder and replied, “For you, I will.”

Then Abby heard the sound of the sniper firing off and felt Manny’s warm blood spray all over her face and saw him crumple to the ground. She remembered the sobering realization that Death was closer than ever to writing her name down on his list of damned souls.

Abby grunted as Natalie’s fist slammed into her face and she fell back onto her side, quick breaths slipping in and out through her teeth. Manny, I’m so sorry.

“No,” Abby’s voice sounded strangled and she fought back tears as blood filled her mouth. She coughed it up and it splattered across the floor. Ellie tried her restraints with no success as her heart pounded in her ears.

"I didn’t kill Manny,” Abby choked out, the side of her face against the cold linoleum.

“You fucking liar, Abby!” Natalie shouted. She yanked Abby up by her braid again and Abby scrambled for footing, her bare feet sliding on the floor, smearing her own blood.

“You were spotted on the island with two fucking Scars after Isaac instructed you and Manny to lead the first wave,” Natalie’s laugh was cruel and it made Abby shiver.

“They were fucking younger than me!” Abby spat. Natalie slapped her across the face and Abby hissed, feeling the skin of her cheek and jaw pulsate.

“The little bitch killed Isaac and you did nothing but run away with the boy. Luckily, the soldiers made sure she was full of bullets,” Natalie shook her head in disgust.

Abby panted, her eyes closing and it was Yara she saw, being riddled with bullets. No. No. No.

“The Wolves shot Yara fir—” Abby shouted.

“Don’t act fucking stupid, Abby, we shoot on sight!” Natalie’s words were like a snake bite, quick and lethal.

“They were fucking running away!” Abby shouted back.

“Oh, they weren’t just dirty Scars, right?” Natalie crouched down to Abby’s level and whispered, “They were traitors just… like… you!”

Natalie stood and kicked Abby in the stomach and the Ex-Firefly fell back onto her side, curling up and coughing. Shit.

Natalie let out a laugh as she stood up and sauntered around Abby like she was an easy meal. “Birds of a feather, right, guys?” The other Wolves laughed and Abby’s face burned.

“Killing your fucking own! We took you in, you ungrateful little bitch!” Natalie yelled. “You’d be nothing without us!"

Abby closed her eyes and she approached a Wolf who cowered on her hands and knees. She recognized her.

Samantha.

“Doesn’t matter how far you run…” Samantha choked out, looking up at Abby with hate in her eyes. “We’ll find you.”

Abby held up her military pistol, aiming it between Samantha’s eyes.

Samantha’s eyes opened, realizing what was about to happen as she saw no empathy in Abby’s eyes. Samantha cried out, “Abby, wait—!”

Abby opened her eyes as the gunshot rang loud and clear, the sound of her breathing accelerating in her ears.

“You and Owen… protecting disgusting fucking Scars,” Natalie spat. “Isaac was willing to let Owen come back and you pathetic snakes took advantage of it!”

Abby sucked in a shaky breath, blinking. Don’t cry, not until she leaves.

“What happened to Mel and Owen anyway? Their bodies were never found, but we found things belonging to them at the aquarium. I bet it was Owen who inspired you to leave the WLF. Isaac and I knew you ran after him. It was so obvious how much you loved him.”

Abby released a shaky breath, tasting blood on her tongue as she stared at Natalie, slack jawed.

Natalie rolled her ice blue eyes as she stopped to look down on Abby. “You thought nobody knew about that aquarium? No secrets between the Salt Lake Crew.”

Abby shuddered. Goddamn it, who talked?

“I’d call you and Owen lovebirds, but you were more like pigeons,” she spat.

Abby glowered and panted from the ground. She locked eyes with Ellie, seeing the look of raw fear in her green eyes and shook her head, just one quick motion. Don’t say a fucking word.

Ellie swallowed hard, recognizing what Abby coded to her.

Natalie kicked Abby in her back with her steel-toed boot when she was silent and Abby let out a bloodcurdling scream as her scar sent searing waves of pain all over her body. She blacked out, her eyes rolling into the back of her head.

“Stay with me, Abby, you’re not off the hook yet,” sneered Natalie, grabbing Abby by her braid and forcing her head back. “Give me that cup of water, Aaron.”

Ellie panted as she watched the Wolf cross over to the messy table of supplies. He walked over to Natalie, passing the cup to her and Natalie threw the icy water on Abby’s face.

“Wake the fuck up!” Natalie yelled.

Abby gasped and shook her head, the droplets of water flying off her face. Her chest heaved in panic as everything came back into focus. She thought of kicking Natalie, but discarded the idea.

I have to endure this, I have to survive, Abby thought.

“You think Mel didn’t know you were fucking him again? You're wrong. Everyone did as soon as you went AWOL.”

Abby tried to jerk away from Natalie, seething. “I didn’t—!” The lie was like ash in her mouth and she stopped herself.

“Did you finally snap, Abby? Mel signed out and never signed back in. Did you plan to run away with Owen and she got in the way? Killing a pregnant woman is a new low for you.”

“I didn’t fucking kill Owen and Mel!” Abby screamed. Natalie let go of Abby’s braid and kicked her again, the wind out of Abby. Abby fell to the floor, wheezing and gasping, stunned by the pain spiraling out from the left side of her ribs. Fuck, oh my fucking God, fuck—

Guilt filled Ellie and her heart rate started to climb, remembering how Owen pointed at Mel in his last moments.

“She’s… she’s…”

“I think you did,” Natalie crooned. “He saw what you did to her and her unborn baby and he tried to kill you, too.” Natalie jerked Abby back onto her knees and let go, watching Abby double over and gasp, chasing air.

Ellie stared at Abby in front of her. The blonde was panting, but not just from pain. Abby's rage coming out in unsteady breaths and guttural growls. She looked up at Natalie, her eyes dilated and wild like a wolf’s.

Ellie hadn’t seen Abby this full of hate since she was on top of her, slamming her fist into her face in the backroom of the theater. Ellie watched as Abby pulled at her restraints and when they wouldn’t break, she howled.

“You failed your test, Abby,” Natalie sneered. “Isaac was ready to choose you to lead the WLF and you betrayed him. I told him I was better for it, but you were his little shining star.”

Natalie touched the lightning scar that stretched up Abby’s neck and Abby flinched at the soft touch. Natalie's eyes stopped at the wolf fang that hung from Abby’s neck, her cold blue eyes flickered up to Abby’s eyes.

“You’re not one of us anymore. You’re a traitor and traitors don’t get swift deaths. I’ll make you wish that lightning strike killed you.”

“And you,” Natalie turned on her heels to approach Ellie, her boots stomping on the linoleum floor. She kneeled and grabbed Ellie by her chin.

“Don’t you fucking touch me, bitch!” Ellie spat, trying to jerk away, but Natalie held her face still, her nails digging into Ellie’s jaw.

“Such a pretty face,” Natalie sighed. “The men will have to take turns.”

Ellie was struck silent and unable to think of a single reply as fear strangled her. Abby took the words out of Ellie’s mouth and the words seared with rage Abby didn’t know she was capable of feeling.

“I’ll fucking kill you!” Abby screamed at Natalie. “I’ll fucking kill you!”

Natalie stood up and turned to the men, ignoring Abby’s panting and growling. “Lock them up in their cells, keep them clean and fed. Fuck, I hated it when Isaac let them wallow in their own filth.”

She walked out the room, her boots hitting the floor like bricks.

×

Abby was marched down what felt like several halls with a blindfold over her eyes and shoved into the freezing room. Ellie was behind her, completely silent and obeying. The Wolf squeezed her arm so tightly. The door swung shut behind them and both of the Wolves untied their blindfolds. The room was dim, but there was enough light to see.

Abby’s eyes honed in on a blue balloon that read, WELCOME HOME in all red letters. It was tied to one of the bars, just low enough so she could see it.

That’s my cell, Abby thought, swallowing hard. Her throat was raw from screaming.

The Wolves pushed the girls into their separate cells and Abby heard the jingling of metal as the guards locked them in. Keys.

Abby looked at the contents of her cell, a pitiful cot with a blanket to match, a flat pillow, a toilet with toiletries and a sink.

Her eyes went to the floor, a bunch of outlined rectangles, some of the flooring was ripped up.

This looks like a locker room. Abby thought. It might be… I don’t know.

The Wolf instructed her to put her back against the bars. As the Wolf cut through her restraints, she looked up and saw her full name written out in red spray paint across the wall with a poorly done Firefly symbol below it. There were so many words around it, but Abby knew she would have to get closer to see.

I always fucking hated you, Natalie.

Ellie was cut free from her restraints and the soldiers left them, the door slamming behind them.

She opened her mouth to speak, but Abby held one finger to her mouth, shaking her head and gesturing to the door.

“Footsteps,” she mouthed to Ellie. She listened, hearing no jingling of keys. That door doesn’t have a lock.

Abby turned back to the wall with her name on it. Below it, a terrible imitation of the Firefly symbol in black spray paint. Around all of it were scrawls in different handwriting like a sick group project—Traitor, Bitch, Backstabber, Whore, Snake, Homewrecker, Rat, Baby Killer, Liar, Slut, Deserter, Cunt, Judas—Her eyes jumped from word to word and finally, she had enough of the degradation, turning away.

She took turns circling her thumb firmly on the inside of her wrists, urging the circulation back, thinking of the  beginning of her atheism which started with a gifted Bible from a Firefly whose name she couldn’t remember.

Judas? The apostle who betrayed Jesus? Isaac didn’t die for our sins. He sent us to kill innocent people and die in his name.

Abby nodded to herself as she heard the two pairs of footsteps fading away from the door.  

She set her eyes on Ellie and slid her hands along the bars, “Talk.”

Ellie closed her eyes and breathed in as she raised her trembling hand up, palm parallel to the floor. Abby watched. She patiently waited, having seen this before in Ellie.

She watched Ellie’s hand tremble as she released a shivering breath. Ellie breathed in and out for seconds more. She closed her hand into a fist as she sucked in another breath, opened it as she breathed out and it didn’t tremble again.

Abby looked on, fascinated and Ellie opened her eyes.

Ellie spoke barely above a whisper, “I heard you shooting and I tried to get to you. This fucker knocked me out.” Ellie whispered. “I screamed.”

“I heard you and I tried to get to you,” Abby whispered back. She stepped back from the bars and held her arm out in front of her. She touched the scarring that spread all across her arm, wincing. She stepped towards the bars again. “I got hit. I woke up in that room today.”

There was concern in Ellie’s eyes. “You’re not gonna drop dead, are you?”

Abby looked at her hands, turning them over to see her palms. She moved each finger individually. “I-I hope not.”

She smoothed her palms over her hair. “Fucking Seattle. How long?”

Ellie swallowed. “About three days.”

Abby hissed and turned away, covering her mouth. Three fucking days?

Ellie wrapped her hands around the bars and whispered. “Abby?”

Abby shook her head and tried to steady her breathing. She turned to the bars again. “Maria told me that if I didn’t return with you after four days, she would dig two graves for us both.”

“It’s been six fucking days since I ran into you at St. Mary’s,” Ellie whispered. “She won’t send anybody out, not after what happened in Seattle.” Her legs started to feel weak all of a sudden. No weapons. No horse. Just a fucking cage.

“We’re on our own,” Abby pressed her fingers to her trembling, bloodied lips. Lev. Iyra. Laurel. Michael.

Ellie squeezed her hands around the cold bars of her cell door as her legs gave out underneath her. Dina. JJ. Tommy. Maria.

Ellie thought of Abby, strung up to die in the scorching Santa Barbara Sun and her hollowed eye sockets and sunken cheeks. It was a memory that wouldn’t fade.

“Was that bitch telling the truth when she said she would feed us?” Ellie’s voice was low, but it was laced with desperation.

Abby hugged herself, remembering how she and Lev starved at the Rattlers’ camp in Santa Barbara.

Her fingers traced over her biceps, her mind was racing, nothing coherent.

“Abby, fucking answer me!” Ellie hissed, her voice was feral and wild, reminding Abby of when Ellie was her adversary, hunting her in that dark theater. Abby looked into Ellie’s cell to see distress painted all over her face.

“I don’t fucking know!” Abby’s voice stretched thin with a strangling uncertainty. “I don’t fucking know, okay?”

Ellie let out a string of curses underneath her breath, then it was coherent words. “They fed me when I woke up, but I haven’t had shit since.”

Jealousy made Abby’s blood boil for just a moment. She got fed and I got the shit beaten out of me.

Abby walked herself back, closing her eyes. Dad told me to stay calm.

The adrenaline started to wear off and Abby massaged her face, she could tell it was swollen. She tried the sink and the water was icy as it ran over her hands. She ground her teeth together and dealt with it, pressing her wet hands against her face to try and bring down the swelling.

The icy cold water washed away the tears that were coming. She leaned down and opened her lips underneath the faucet, realizing she ached all over. She drank and drank, ignoring her stinging, busted lip.

She walked back to the door and sat simply because she couldn’t bear to stand anymore. She rested her head against the bars and Ellie sat, too.

Abby smoothed her hands over her thighs and froze when she felt the holes in her jeans. A realization came on hard and fast.

Who undressed me?

Bile rose up to the back of her throat. She looked at Ellie’s clothes. They were different, black sweatpants, a red long-sleeved shirt.

“Your clothes—Where are they?”

Ellie’s lips parted. “They took everything, shoved me into a room with new clothes and told me to change.” She looked at Abby’s clothes, a smoke grey tank top and light blue jeans stained with blood.

“Fuck,” Abby whispered, getting to her feet.

Abby squeezed her eyes shut. Her hands, unsure and nervous, smoothed over her chest and her stomach where she gasped. Through the thin shirt, she could feel a penetrating soreness stretching all throughout her torso, no mercy to be found.

Everything hurts, I don’t know.

Ellie watched Abby peeled her shirt up with one hand and with the other, her fingers sliding down her bruised and taut lower abdomen, a faint whimper escaping her lips. Abby’s breaths came quick and jagged as she unzipped her jeans. Someone zipped these up?

She pushed her faded blue jeans down over her hips, the soft cries transforming into strangled gasps.

She hesitated at her inner thighs, her fingers hovering, not wanting to touch because she knew she would break. Her fingers pinched the hem of her underwear and she opened her eyes.

Blue? Her fingers let go and she yanked up her jeans in a panic, more gasps escaping her lips.

“Abby?” Ellie’s voice sliced through the walls caving in around Abby.

“Huh?” Abby sounded dazed, turning her face away, so that Ellie couldn’t see the tears that pricked her eyes. Her heart was like a fist banging against the inside of her chest.

“Abby, fucking say something.” Ellie got to her feet and locked her hands around the bars.

Abby shook her head, her voice broken. “No!”

Abby staggered and braced herself by clinging to one of the bars of the cell door. She was on the ground, but she felt like she was standing on a cliff, looking down, the dizziness and fear settling into her bones. A jump from her stomach to her chest, the sourness surging into the back of her throat. Abby wrenched away from the bars and threw herself over the toilet, gagging and coughing miserably, her body expelling the water she drank.

Ellie’s blood ran cold, recalling Natalie’s blunt threat. She thinks that someone…

Ellie’s right hand trembled and she sucked in a breath, let it out, repeated four more times and closed her hand into a fist, clarity rushing in. Ellie was grounded.

Abby’s stomach finally settled after minutes of dry-heaving. She dragged herself away from the toilet and rinsed her mouth and washed the tears off of her face until composure returned. She sat down next to her cell door and pulled her knees to her chest, a small sniffle, but still visibly unsettled.

“She didn’t interrogate you?” Abby asked. It wasn’t really one she needed to ask judging from the way Natalie didn’t lay a single finger on Ellie.

“They just asked me how I knew you,” Ellie answered with a slight tremble in her voice.

She’s scared. Abby’s breath hitched. I'm scared, too.

Abby rubbed the bridge of her nose as pain slithered down the back of her throat. Her nose was tender beneath the tips of her fingers. “What did you tell them?”

“I met you while travelling in California, nothing about Jackson.”

Good. The blonde nodded, breathing in. “Do you remember where they took you?”

Ellie shook her head. “They blindfolded me, kept me tied up in a car for hours.”

We fought over Seattle for years, the WLF wouldn’t just leave. Natalie won’t let Isaac die in vain. Abby’s jaw snapped shut and her mind raced. So is this the stadium? We kept prisoners at the FOB.

Abby sucked in a breath through her teeth. It doesn’t matter. We need to get the fuck out of here.

“No matter what they do to us, what they do to me,” Abby paused after that last word and she looked into Ellie’s eyes. “Don’t you fucking dare talk about what you did in Seattle.”

“But I fucking killed—” Ellie argued back in a hushed tone.

“Ellie,” Abby growled and Ellie felt like she was fourteen all over again, that tone was so familiar. “Don’t.”

“Natalie,” Ellie whispered. “How dangerous is she?”

“Everyone bleeds.” Abby replied icily.

“Abby,” Ellie urged. Abby closed her eyes. My head won’t stop pounding.

“She’s missing a few screws, nothing special about her!” Abby spat. “She was obsessed with Isaac.”

Obsession is dangerous, Ellie thought.

Abby thought back, choosing her words carefully. “Isaac—He... He liked blondes with a… sadistic streak.”

Ellie’s eyes widened. What the fuck?

I thought I would take this to my grave.  She locked eyes with Ellie.

“The WLF recruited a lot of people, but there was nobody like me and Isaac knew it when he first saw me,” Abby sighed, sliding her feet against the floor. “I was okay with a gun, I couldn’t fight for shit, but I had a goal and I worked towards it. For that first year, he kept tabs on me through Natalie and others.”

Abby took a deep breath, knowing that confession came much later.

“He was… there for me. He believed in me, taught me his tactics, gave me every single resource to become—” Abby rubbed her bicep. “You remember, don’t you?”

How could I fucking forget? Ellie nodded, seeing Abby standing over her in the theater, bathed in red. He made her a monster.

Abby pinched the bridge of her nose with gentle fingers. What more could I lose by talking about it?

“Me and Owen were together for almost three years here.” Abby smoothed her palms against her forehead and over her hair, the exhaustion bleeding from her sigh.

Shame made Ellie shudder, the image of Owen’s face as he died was burned into her brain. That was her ex-boyfriend I killed.

“I trusted Isaac, he knew everything about us, about me,” Abby whispered, the regret stinging in her eyes. “It was my fault. I wanted my father’s killer dead more than anything, more than I… more than I wanted Owen.”

There was a dull ache in her chest in the space where she held him. The Fireflies are dead and I got captured again. Owen…

“Isaac told me I needed to let him go if that was my goal,” Abby blew her breath, her thumb smoothing over the inside of her wrist, resentful over how she was manipulated. “With Owen out of the way, we were closer.”

That is fucked, Ellie thought.

Abby breathed in, “Isaac and Natalie, they used to fuck and I was the only person who knew. When he was angry at her, he would send her to get me and he’d make me stay with him in his office for hours. It fucked with her head.”

Abby recalled the first and last time she brought it up, “She hates my guts.”

“I’m aware.”

“I didn’t fucking do anything to her, Isaac!” Abby slammed her fist into his desk.

“Why are you letting her get under your skin, Abby? She’s not the person who killed your father.”

“I never… Isaac and I never…” The words were lingering on Abby's tongue and the thought made her stomach twist. “He was more of a father figure to me, but I… I was more than a soldier to him.”

Abby shivered, thinking of Isaac’s calloused fingers unravelling her braid, the way he circled around her, lifted her chin up and smoothed his thumb against her lip. She remembered what he told her, “You’re impenetrable, Abigail.”

Ellie watched as Abby hugged herself, saw the weariness in her eyes. More than a soldier?

Abby sounded so small, “I was stupid, I didn’t think he wanted that from me. I told him no.”

“What did he say?” Ellie asked and Abby licked her lips, tasting the sting of iron. She would never forget it, Isaac with an iron fistful of her hair, making her whimper in fear.

“Is that your answer, Abby?”

“Yes, sir, let me go!”

“He told me I was the most intelligent woman he’s ever met ‘cause I could’ve killed him right there… and I didn’t.” Abby fixated on Ellie. “I didn’t reach for my gun or my knife. He saw it as loyalty and complete submission.”

“And then you betrayed him by protecting the Scars.”

“They have names,” Abby’s voice held an sharp edge. “Yara and Lev, they saved my life."

“Yara and Lev,” Ellie repeated quietly. He was the only reason why she fought me that day.

Abby rubbed her chest, every time she took a deep breath from her core, a sharp pain followed shortly after. “They can’t know where Lev is. He shouldn’t pay for what I did.” He’s just a kid.

“Natalie wants revenge,” Ellie whispered.

“And if we just run, she won’t stop chasing us…” Abby whispered.

“So we have to—” Ellie whispered back.

The two women finished together, “Kill her.”

Notes:

Whoa, take a deep breath! Right now! This is the chapter I wrote almost four months ago. Oh, it’s crazy to have to build a bridge of 7 chapters just to get to this point and I went back and forth over driving the story in this direction. It felt so raw that after I polished it up and changed a few things that my hands shook. Abby has taken the fall for not just her own acts in Seattle, but Ellie’s acts.

I knew I wanted to throw Ellie and Abby in a situation where they had no choice but to trust each other and the last chapter, Asking For it, was the push off that cliff.

I almost used Would? by Alice In Chains for chapter 11 where Abby and Ellie have their power struggle, but I wanted to have them realize they weren't different at all. I love that song. Go listen!

“Into the flood again/Same old trip it was back then” is reflective of Abby and Ellie’s return to Seattle along with the emotions they felt back then.

“So I made a big mistake/Try to see it once my way” ties Salt Lake City chapters together with Abby’s guilt towards Joel’s death and Ellie’s guilt over her rampage through Seattle.

“Am I wrong?/Have I gone too far to get home?” brings it all home with Ellie and Abby’s interrupted return. It also hits it clean on the head about Abby seeking refuge in Jackson and Ellie escaping refuge from Jackson. Now, they’re not so sure if they’ll return. Full circle.

I've been really thinking about Abby's impact of betrayal and the consequences of it. The line from Samantha is actually one that's in the game. Ellie and Abby are forced to confront their actions in a way that their past selves are their enemies as much as Natalie is. Abby doesn't throw Ellie underneath the bus because she knows the Wolves will torture everything out of her and that consequence is too much to bear. Too much to lose.

Natalie is honestly who Abby could've became had she never ran into Lev and Yara—Save for personality differences and different ideas of torture—A blind loyalist with a taste for blood. You should hate her.

And about Abby being struck by lightning, it has its own symbolism such as punishment, but also illumination and the destruction of ignorance. I used to it illustrate her mortality as well, a close encounter with death. The scar is significant, Abby having been marked for death, but living.

This is the chapter in which I explored how far a ripple goes when a stone is thrown in a pond. I'm nervous to put it out. My favorite piece of dialogue in this chapter is Ellie asking how dangerous Natalie is and Abby replies, "Everyone bleeds." What about you?

Let me know what you think and I'll be writing 15 in the mean time.

Til next time and thank you for all the love!

Edit as of 6/6/21: I've actually gone through and done some light editing throughout all of past chapters in regards to flashbacks, the dialogues in those flashbacks are in italics and hopefully it's more clearer. I know it was hard for people to tell at first and I couldn't find a way to do it without irritating myself with a wall of italics. There's been some other minor editing, just me changing the way I've worded things, adding more details here and there, nothing really extreme. You're more than welcome to read from the start. See you soon.

Chapter 15: Conspiracy

Notes:

Archive Warnings are off because it's very hard to describe this fic. It's more of the same content as the last chapter concerning violence, psychological manipulation and paranoia of being r*ped, except this chapter contains lesbophobia in the form of the d-word and sexual harassment. In a way, it's softer than the last. You've been warned.

I thought that we’d make it,

Because you said that we’d make it through,

And when all security fails,

Will you be there to help me through?

Explain to me this conspiracy against me

And tell me how I’ve lost my power

—Paramore

×

Hours later, Abby spent that first night gasping and cursing every time she moved. All the adrenaline had been spent, the emotions that ran high had long peaked and Abby was crashing, nothing to distract her from the pain.

Ellie listened, curled up into herself on the cot, shivering. The room was freezing and the blankets gave them no mercy.

“Oh, fuck,” Abby whimpered and Ellie sat up. She could see Abby on her cot from where she laid.

“Abby?”

She only moaned in response.

Ellie swung her legs off the cot and it squeaked. She stepped closer to the bars, wincing because the floor was freezing. “How bad did she get you?””

With a strained groan, Abby sat up, “It hurts to breathe. A few bruised ribs.”

Before, it was jarring to see Abby weakened and battered. Now, the sight choked Ellie with trepidation. Her greatest rival reduced to a prisoner of war, a war she fled from.

Abby panted. “I can’t fight like this.”

“I know,” Ellie reached out and wrapped her hands around the bars.

“I-I fucked up,” Abby whispered. “I shouldn’t have taken us into the woods.” Her heart sunk as Diablo ran through her mind.

Abby touched her ribs with shy fingers and sucked in a breath through her teeth. Her eyes flickered up to Ellie. “You shouldn’t be here.”

“We shouldn’t be here.” The words came out of Ellie’s mouth without thinking and Ellie watched Abby’s eyes squint.

Fuck.

Ellie came up with a quick reply. “Seattle’s a shitshow. What’s the plan?”

“I… I don’t… It depends,” Abby whispered. “We have to watch what they do, look for patterns and openings, play it smart. We might be here for more than a couple days. We need to stay calm…” Abby breathed. “And ready.”

“Did she mean what she said about…” Ellie casted her eyes at the floor, her right hand began to tremble. “I never had sex…”

Abby was staring at Ellie, quickly noticing her hand. She chose her words carefully. “Never had sex… with a… man?”

“Not my… They’re not my type.” Ellie whispered hoarsely and Abby felt like she was struck across the face. Ellie’s answer only confirmed what she suspected. Her stomach sank. I have to get us the fuck out of here.

“It’s not sex if you don’t want it,” Abby told her. She knew this too well. There was a difference between the two that made Abby’s stomach turn. She smoothed her hand against her sore cheek, looking at Ellie. Her body was smaller and lean and Abby knew what she was capable of, but Abby knew they were both debilitated.

Sometimes, you’re only as good as the weapons you use. And this was something Abby learned after her body was starved far past the point of her former self.

“It doesn’t matter if she meant it or not,” Abby continued, her tone was cold and solid like ice. “I’m not gonna let it fucking happen.”

Ellie’s stomach flipped and she closed her eyes, thinking of the fury behind Abby’s eyes after Natalie threatened her.  It leaned closer to madness.

“Get some sleep,” Abby whispered. “We’ll get through this.”

Ellie nodded and climbed back onto the cot. Abby laid back and sucked in air through her teeth.

Abby laid awake in agony as a memory played back.

“Oye, Abs!” Abby stopped walking and looked to her right, already knowing it was Manny. Abby and Manny were as thick as thieves.

He was there with a group of Wolves, shooting the shit. Manny held up one finger to the group and said, “Espérame!” He jogged over to Abby.

“You good?” Manny asked. He looked her up and down, a mild concern in his eyes.  

“Yeah, why?”

“Just making sure,” Manny answered. Abby raised an eyebrow.

“You got something you wanna say to me?” Abby read him well.

“Yeah, let’s keep walking,” Manny grabbed Abby by her wrist and pulled her through a crowd like he was trying to duck someone.  An uneasiness stirred within Abby.

Abby excused herself and apologized as she and Manny bumped into members of their pack. Finally, they broke through the crowd and walked to a nearby parking lot. It was more secluded and shaded by a few trees.

“Nobody’s really spoken to me since we got back, not even you, Manny. Are we straight?” Abby looked up at Manny.

“You’re tripping, Abs.” Manny reached out and rubbed her shoulder. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like that, amiga. He deserved it. Everyone knows that.”  

“‘Kay,” Abby rubbed her biceps, looking at the pavement. “What’s up?”

He sighed. “You’ve been acting weird since Jackson, Abby. Thought you’d snap out of it by now.”

Abby shrugged, annoyed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Manny clicked his tongue, thinking of how to say it. “Owen talk to you about Mel yet?”

“He told me she’s fucking pregnant.” Abby searched Manny’s eyes. “Is she gonna keep it?”

Manny sucked in a breath and crossed his arms, nodding.

Abby looked away from Manny and a sarcastic laugh left her throat. “Good for her, Owen’s gonna make a great dad. Anything else?”

“Natalie’s been up his ass all week since we got back. She snapped at Leah in the cafeteria yesterday—Maldita perra!”

“Fuck Natalie,” Abby sighed, exasperated. “Her voice makes me want to put a bullet in my fucking head.”

Manny grinned. “You mean, put a bullet in her head!”

Abby smirked at the thought. “I stand corrected.”

“Isaac sent me to you—Not her—and he wants a debriefing on Jackson.”

“Oh,” Abby reared back, the pieces falling into place. “He wants to keep her out of it.”

Manny snorted.

“Just me? Where am I headed? When?” Abby asked.

Manny nodded. “The roof. Sunset.”

Abby framed her hand over her eyes and glanced at the sun. She knew she would be leaving soon. “Got it.”

“Ask him what the fuck her problem is with us! We didn’t do nothing wrong!”

“It’s not us, Manny, she’s just—” Abby paused, knowing the truth. “She’s just a bitch.”

Abby and Manny split up and Abby wasted no time heading into the FOB. She greeted every soldier that acknowledged her and stopped at the stairway. Her palms became sweaty, thinking of why Isaac wanted to hear from only her. She pushed open the door to the stairway and climbed seven flights of stairs. She approached the door to the roof and opened it, stepping through.

She saw him. His back was turned to her and he leaned on the concrete. He gazed the clusters of trees. The sky was blood orange with splashes of red and the Seattle Sun simmered on the edge of the horizon.

He didn’t even look over his shoulder as the door slammed behind Abby.

Abby walked forward, adjusting her black long-sleeve at the wrist. She took her place next to Isaac in silence.

“Manny told me to meet you up here.” She leaned against the concrete with her elbows and laid her forearm over the other.

“Yeah,” Isaac said. “Figured you needed some time after coming back.”

“I’m fine.” Abby replied.

“Of course you are. You found him, didn’t you?” Isaac asked.

Abby swallowed. “I did.”

“The Salt Lake Crew seems shaken up. What did you do to him?”

“I shot his leg with a shotgun and blew off his kneecap, had Mel put a tourniquet on his leg to keep him alive. Then I beat him to death with a golf club.” Abby spoke clearly and calmly, but the sight of the battered man, his swollen shut eye stirred something inside her, something she wouldn’t be able to place until a few months later.

She looked at him, eyes combing over his profile and surely, he gave his commentary.

“A long ways from a swift death,” Isaac said coldly. “You exceeded my expectations.” He raised his hand to squeeze her shoulder. “I’m proud of you, Abby.” Abby breathed in, nodding, taking in the sky.

He dropped his hand from her shoulder. “Mel informed me she’s pregnant.”

Abby sucked in a breath, the sickness of jealousy making her stomach twist. Her voice was stale, “Owen told me.”

Isaac let out a weary sigh. “You win some, you lose some.”

Abby didn’t respond.

“I don’t want you on assignments yet, Abby.”

“Isaac, you can’t kick me off assignments because Mel got fucking knocked up!” She broke away from the roof’s edge, cursing softly. “That has nothing to do with me!”

Isaac was cold, “Look at me, Abby.” She raised her blue eyes slowly, looking into his. He stepped closer to her and smoothed a stray blonde strand away from her face. “I need you sharp.”

“Not just physically, but mentally.” His hands smoothed across her shoulders and a shuddering breath slipped off her lips. “You can pretend it doesn’t bother you, but I know you better than that, Abby. I can see the grief in your eyes.”

Abby closed her eyes and swallowed, her voice higher. “Isaac…”

“No assignments for three weeks. Go back to the stadium and get some rest.”

The memory faded into the back of Abby’s head and she clutched her side, letting out a breath. Her mind was hazy and her body was heavy. She closed her eyes and laid still until she was carried into a dreamless sleep.

×

The two women were woken up by the sound of the door handle hitting the wall. Abby jolted up and immediately froze, her body ached to an unbearable degree. Everything fucking hurts.

Ellie sat up, on high alert and she scanned the female Wolf. The female Wolf held two burritos wrapped in foil in her hands and worked in silence, opening Ellie’s cell first, tossing the burrito in and she caught it.

She locked Ellie’s cell with an irritated sigh and turned to Abby’s cell. She unlocked it and threw her the burrito. Abby caught it and gasped softly. It was still hot.

Holy fuck.

She locked Abby’s cage back and her gaze lingered on Abby. Abby looked at her, her eyebrows furrowing for a moment. There was a hint of sorrow in the Wolf’s brown eyes. “Showers in twenty.”

Abby waited until she left, until her footsteps faded.

Abby glanced at Ellie, she was eyeing at her burrito warily. “It’s not poisoned.”

“How do you know?” Ellie asked, squinting at Abby. She slowly started to peel the foil back.

“She wouldn’t kill us like that.” Abby replied, ripping the foil off. “It’s too boring for her.”

Ellie’s eyes flickered up at Abby and she shook her head as she looked back at her burrito. Thanks for the info, Abby.

Abby took a bite and hummed gratefully. The beef ones with the peppers.

Ellie tentatively ate, questions running through her mind, questions she wanted to ask Abby, but she didn’t want to sour this moment for her. What was it like here for her? How many Wolves were here before? Does she miss being one of them?

Ellie ate in silence. The burrito was filling and she hated to admit it, but it was—Fucking delicious.

Abby stepped to the sink and washed her face, drank gulps of icy water from the sink and pissed. Ellie followed her lead and the two sat on their cots.

“Hey,” Abby whispered. “Take your hair down.”

Ellie tilted her head at Abby. “Why?”

Abby slid her hand along the skin between her right shoulder and her neck, making eye contact with Ellie. “A short redhead, green eyes, tattoo on the right forearm, missing two fingers on her left hand with an undeveloped Infected bite between her neck and right shoulder. That’s how they’d pin you.”

Fuck, Ellie thought. They can’t miss me.

She touched the most recent bite.  Her body didn’t react to the virus like before where the skin would bubble in blisters only to harden. She didn’t know why. In its place was the obvious firm indentations of scabs from barely human teeth.

Anyone can look at it and know.

Ellie’s fingers struggled with the knot in the ribbon initially, but she picked at it with her fingernail and it loosened. She tucked the ribbon underneath her pillow. Her fingers were clumsy at first, but sure enough, she was pulling her hair free, along with forest debris like bits of leaves and small twigs. Ellie’s hair fell in waves and she held a strand in front of her eyes, curious.

Looks like Dina’s hair. The mere thought of Dina made her heart ache. She imagined herself standing in front of Dina, having made it back from Seattle for the second time. How are you? What have you been doing? How’s JJ? Along with a question that would only play out in her head. Did you give up on me again?

Abby fingers combed out her hair, wincing over the way she had to hold her arm above her shoulders the closer she got to her crown. Her hair fell in waves as well and she smoothed it back away from her face and set her eyes on Ellie.

“What does it feel like?”

“What?”

Abby smoothed her hand between her shoulder and neck.

Oh, Ellie thought. Nobody’s ever asked me that before. She closed her eyes, thinking.

“It’s like fire,” Ellie whispered and she watched Abby close her eyes, trying to fathom it.

The two women waited in silence for a few minutes and the same Wolf returned with another, a man. The cells her opened, blindfolds applied and each Wolf held the women’s hands behind their back down halls.

Abby tried to memorize the turns in her head. There was a left, then a right and finally the women were shoved into the room. Abby could feel the grooves in the tiles beneath her feet.

Ellie and Abby listened as one faucet came on, then another. Ellie’s right hand trembled.

The man took off Abby’s blindfold and shoved her forward. “Clothes off, snake.”

Abby looked at the showers. There wasn’t a stall to separate them. She shot a glance at the Wolves, both of them armed with pistols. She was dead on her feet. The idea seemed so flawed to Abby.

Not here. One wrong push and I’ll slip and crack open my skull. Then, what? I’d die and never see Lev again. And who knows what would happen to Ellie?

Fuck, Ellie. Abby stole a glance at her former adversary, completely still save for her right hand.

She pulled her shirt over her head, sucking in a breath because she ached everywhere. She worked the tight jeans over her hips, wincing as the denim dragged over her furiously red  lightning scar. It stretched down to her mid-thigh and she grazed it with her eyes and looked away, a sickness stirring in her stomach.

I cheated death.

Finally, she slid her panties over her hips, working them down over her knees and ignoring the goosebumps rising on her skin. She kicked them to the side.

The male Wolf whistled and Abby kept her arms at her side, her face like stone. I can’t show fear.

The female Wolf approached Abby, shoving a pathetic cut of soap into her hand and a rag. The soap smelled earthy and it only reminded Abby of the forest. The Wolf's eyes skated over Abby’s naked body for a moment, she was jarred by the beating and her scar.

“Go,” the female Wolf hissed to Abby and Abby stepped underneath the faucet, sucking in a breath of relief and discomfort. The water was hot, soothing to her bruised skin and where her scar was, the pain was a biting sting.

“You next, sweetheart,” the male Wolf pressed his lips together, the sound of a kiss taunting Ellie. Ellie inhaled sharply through her nose and her body screamed at her to run, but she knew she couldn’t.

Fuck you, Ellie thought.

Ellie’s blindfold was removed and she saw Abby’s back as Abby pulled her drenched hair over her shoulders. The sight alone made the hair stand up on her arms. The lightning scar reached up her back, a myriad of red branches breaching from the thick, jagged core, crossing over her spine and ending on her shoulder blade.

They’re like ferns, Ellie thought. She also saw the fresh bruises, red and purple in spots where Natalie struck her. 

Ellie leaned to her right, making sure her hair would fall over her shoulder and peeled her shirt off carefully. She pulled the rest of her dark hair over her bite and closed her eyes.

“Never seen a bitch with a tattoo before,” the male Wolf said, Ellie's teeth slid together, the humiliation was starting to be too much to take. She turned her head to the male Wolf, catching sight of the pistol and she looked away, her eyes cast at Abby.

Abby faced her from under the faucet, mouthing, “It’s okay.” Abby smoothed the water out of her face.

Ellie’s thumbs hooked around the hem and her underwear. She pulled them both down hurriedly, stepping out of them and kicking them to the side with her feet.

“Can’t wait to tell the boys that the carpet does match the drapes!” The Wolf cackled. Ellie’s heart dropped into the pit of her stomach and she opened her mouth to degrade and antagonize, but a stern look from Abby put her in her place.  

The female Wolf shoved a rag and soap into Ellie’s hands and gestured with her head over to the showers. Ellie forced one foot in front of the other, stepping underneath the running faucet to the left of Abby. The water was hot, but Ellie’s blood boiled. Ellie faced Abby, so the Wolves couldn’t see her bite.

Her eyes jumped between the Wolves, both of them seated. The woman lazily flipped through a book, but the man looked on at them with a wide smile that made shivers run down Ellie’s spine.

Abby turned to face Ellie, smoothing away her blonde hair from her face, darkened by the water. She knew where she was looking.

“Eyes on me, Ellie,” Abby whispered and slowly, Ellie turned her head to face Abby. Abby gave the lightest nod at her and continued to wash up.

Ellie’s eyes raked over Abby’s stomach. The woman had a decent core definition and it was clear she had been working on her body prior to her arrival in Salt Lake. Ellie's eyes lingered on the particularly nasty contusion, a blur of red and purple that stretched up from the top of her hip bone, stopping just below her breast.

She fucked her up.

Ellie reluctantly started to wash up, scrubbing the soap against the rag and, unable to close her eyes.

They’re fucking watching us shower, Ellie thought, smoothing the soapy rag across her shoulders. She stared at Abby, watching glimpses of pain cross her face as she moved. Ellie winced as the rough rag dragged across her stitches, she’d ripped off the bandage when her hands were free and the wound was still so tender. They’re going to watch us shower every single fucking time.

The two women washed themselves, fixating on each other. Ellie’s eyes would scan Abby’s battered body, then flicker back up to her face. Abby mirrored Ellie, taking in her body with her eyes and letting her eyes fall on her face, determined to keep her attention.

Her pupils are dilated, Abby thought. Could it be…? No, probably fear.

“I knew Abby was a fucking dyke! You gonna wash her back, Abby?” The male cackled. The woman ignored him and Abby narrowed her eyes, but didn’t react. Instead, she watched Ellie react, the anger flashing on her face, the way her head whipped in the direction of the son of a bitch. Her jaw was locked tight for a moment and her mouth opened, prepared to lacerate with her words. Abby spotted her right hand, clutching the rag. It trembled viciously.

“Hey! What I tell you?” Abby hissed through her teeth, smoothing the soap in her hands. “Keep your eyes on me.”

Ellie and Abby fixated on each other again and Ellie released a shuddering breath that proved she was riled up and ready to fight. Not just that, the brief flaring of Ellie’s nostrils and the quick blinking.

She’s crying. Abby’s heart sank.

“It’s okay,” Abby whispered, smearing the water from her own eyes. “You’re okay. Take a deep breath for me.”

Ellie leaned to wash her legs, sucking in a deep breath. She straightened up and released it, blinking through the water that ran over her face, the water that washed away the tears. She smeared it away and stared at Abby.

“You’re doing so good,” Abby breathed, her Pacific blue eyes sliding down to watch Ellie’s chest rise and fall, back to her right hand which held the rag. The trembling slowed. “So good.”

Abby started to wash her hair and Ellie mirrored her. Abby as she worked the soap into her hair, her fingernails raking at her scalp.

The woman checked her watch and announced, “You got two more minutes.”

Both Ellie and Abby rinsed their hair. Abby tilted her head and gasped as water surged into her ear and the noise was blurred. The murky waters of the Pacific flashed over her eyes for a moment and her throat started to close. Ellie’s eyes widened. Abby pulled her head away from the stream of water, leaning over to let the water out of her ears. She sucked in a breath through her teeth.

The word was drawn out and shivering, “Fuuuuck.”

“Abby?” Ellie breathed. Abby swallowed hard and blinked.

Abby panted as she tried to regain composure, drawing her hands through her hair. “I’m fine.”

Ellie’s eyes squinted in doubt.

“I’m fine,” Abby repeated.

 The timer went off. The woman cut off the water with a switch near the door. Abby wrung out her hair, gasping as the pain seared across her back. Ellie did the same, wringing her hair out over her right shoulder to hide the scabbed skin between her shoulders and her neck.  

Ellie dried herself off hurriedly. She couldn’t wait to get back into her clothes. Abby did the same, fluffing her hair out with the towel.

The women were handed their clothes and Abby had grey sweatpants and a white t-shirt, Ellie got the black leggings and a dark red t-shirt. The two women were blindfolded again, tied arms behind their backs as they were marched back into their cells.

×

Abby’s forearm rested over her eyes and she bit her lip, listening as the two footsteps faded.

“Abby, we need to get out of here.” Ellie whispered. “That fucker watched us!”

“I know,” Abby breathed in and winced as her ribs ached on her left side, it was too deep of a breath. Better than being hosed down with freezing water. She shuddered at the memory, she never felt quite clean and she knew that was the point.

“They just walk us out with blindfolds, we don’t even know where we are.” Ellie hissed.

“It’s the stadium, it has to be.” Abby replied. “Look at the floor, you see how it’s been ripped up in some places?”

Ellie scanned the floor. She saw the rectangular outlines and the damaged flooring. “I see it,” Ellie whispered.

“When I was a Wolf, we kept prisoners at the Forward Operating Base, that was an apartment building. There’s no locker rooms in that building, so this has to be the stadium, the main base. It’s where we lived when we weren’t on assignments.”

“So you know the exits?” Ellie leaned forward on the cot and Abby moved her forearm away from her eyes, glancing at Ellie.

“Yeah, unless they switched it up since Isaac died.” Abby whispered, shifting her body only to draw in a sharp gasp. “It’s been so long, I’m not sure. They keep guards out in the front, posted up on small towers. There’s a gun range and an armory. It could all be different now.”

Ellie cursed.

Cut the generators and the lights go out. But… Abby blew her breath. Whoever’s on watch would tip the whole base off. And we can’t leave unarmed.

She smoothed her hand against her sore face.

Abby held her breath and sat up, the exhale quivered past her lips as the pain flared across her back. She staggered over to the sink and drank to her plenty, then returned to the cot, sitting. She held her face in her hands.

The girls were silent for minutes. Ellie curled up underneath the blanket on the futon. She was lost in a memory.

Dina’s arms, thrown over her shoulder, her face tucked away in Ellie’s neck. Ellie thought that Dina could feel her heart thundering against her chest. Her thoughts weren’t coherent because Dina was so close to her and she doubted what it meant. They slow danced to the soft banjo in the background. Ellie’s feline green eyes jumped around the room in the same moment, everything felt so slow, her eyes landing on the faces of men who stared on at them.

“Every guy in this room is staring at you right now,” Ellie whispered as Dina lifted up her head off the redhead’s shoulder. Her eyes jumped across the floor, wishing that there was nobody here but them.

It was Dina’s breath tickling her neck where Ellie’s pulse thrummed beneath the skin. “Maybe they’re staring at you.”

Ellie’s eyes jumped around the room again and her head shook softly and she spoke with a doubtful laugh in her voice, whispering, “They’re not.”

Dina’s breath tickling her neck again, enough to make her legs feel weak. “Maybe they’re jealous of you.”

Ellie’s forest green eyes jumped around and nothing registered this time, not with Dina’s warm body, heated up from dancing, flush against hers, not with her lips so soft to her neck like that, not with her voice in her ear like that.

“I’m… just a girl.” Ellie whispered,  “Not a threat.”

Dina pulled away, sighing and looking at Ellie with soft doe eyes, searching hers.

“Oh, Ellie,” Dina whispered, tucking a strand behind Ellie’s ears. “I think they should be terrified of you.”

Dina glanced at Ellie’s lips, then quickly back up to her face. Ellie almost didn’t know what she saw. And then her heart pounded in her chest as Dina leaned into Ellie, pressing her soft lips to her.

Ellie’s eyes stayed open for a moment, stunned as she took in Dina’s face, the taste of her lips on hers, more sweet than bitter due to the alcohol. She blinked.  Did she just…

Dina pulled away and Ellie met her half-way, inhaled as their lips collided again. The kiss stoked a fire in Ellie like she had never known before. She sucked Dina’s lips as they pulled away and Dina’s hands slid over her shoulders. A smile graced Ellie’s face and she stared briefly at Dina’s lips, then back into her creamy eyes, the color of chocolate.

“Hey!” Seth stormed up to the couple. “This is a family event.”

Dina’s hands dropped and she apologized nervously, still buzzing from the kiss. “Sorry.”

The man stared at Dina hatefully and Ellie blinked at him, feeling sour.

“Sorry!” Dina apologized again, her voice higher. She pulled Ellie away by her hand, but Seth wouldn’t stop.

“Remember next time there’s kids around!”

Dina was irritated, “Yeah, like you’re setting such a great example.”

“Oh, just what this town needs,” Dina and Ellie both stopped, listening. “Another loud-mouthed dyke!”

Ellie twisted and started towards him, pointing, the rage and disgust flashing across her face. “What the fuck did you just say?”

She felt Dina’s hands, trying to pull her back, then Dina was crossing in front of her. “Ellie! Ellie! Don’t!”

And then Joel barreled past them both, shoving Seth. “Hey! Get the hell out of here!”

“Get your hands off me!” Seth growled.

Maria jumped between them, holding the two men apart with her hands. “Hey! Enough!”

 She reached for Seth’s arm, “Come on, you, let’s go for a walk!”

“What about them?” Seth asked, frustrated.

“You worry about yourself!” Maria ordered, pushing him out.

Tommy fell in besides Maria and Seth, annoyed at Seth’s drunken outburst. “Let’s get you some fresh air.”

Ellie turned away, but Joel started on Ellie’s heels. “You alright, kiddo?”

She turned as she heard his voice and the sickness in her stomach flared. “What is wrong with you?”

Joel opened his mouth to speak, his hazel eyes colored with confusion. “He had no right—”

Ellie cut him off, her voice as sharp as her switchblade, “And you do?” Then softer, but just as cutting. “I don’t need your fucking help, Joel.”

Joel’s eyes jumped around the room.

“Right,” Joel said, giving a last look to Ellie and backed up, turning his back to Ellie. His shoes sounding off on the wooden floor as he made his departure.

Ellie’s eyes jumping around the room, noticing what Joel had noticed. The party attendees staring at her. Insecurity and embarrassment welled up inside of her as she tried to digest what just happened.

Ellie sat up and took a deep breath. She smeared the tears from her eyes, and began to take a few more deep breaths.

Abby looked over, the sound of Ellie's breathing holding her attention. Ellie was holding her trembling right hand out in front of her again. Ellie breathed out and closed her hand into a fist. She looked away.

“Abby?”

Abby aimed her eyes at Ellie’s face. “What’s up?”

“What did that motherfucker mean when he said he knew you were a...” Ellie  swallowed and cleared her throat. “A dyke?”

Abby’s lips parted. “Oh… After Owen and I broke up, I had a lot of men ask me out, but I was focused on…” She gestured to her arms, but Ellie knew what else she didn’t want to say. “I rejected a lot of them.” She looked away from Ellie, casting her eyes at the floor.

Ellie remembering her words. “Not even with a gun to my head.”

She could feel Ellie’s eyes boring into her as she continued, stoic and detached. “Someone started a rumor and said I wasn’t into men and it spread like wildfire.”

Abby raised her eyes to look at Ellie and Ellie looked at the floor. She could tell that Ellie wanted to say more.

“Someone called you that word before?” Abby asked.

Ellie bristled, crossing her arms. “I fit the bill.”

“Fuck…” Abby paused and sighed. “Fuck whoever said that and fuck that Wolf.”

×

The days crawled by and Abby noticed a pattern. The girls were fed and showered every other day, but sometimes they weren’t and it kept them on their toes. They would be irritable and more distant from each other on the days they weren’t fed and showered. Abby kept Ellie grounded when they did shower, but she wasn’t surprised to hear Ellie gasping or sniffling at night when she thought Abby was sleeping.

Abby was slowly starting to recover, her bruises were fading from her skin, according to Ellie. Abby started to test her range of motion behind the Wolves’ backs. She would stretch, bending over to touch her toes or sitting and reaching as far as she could to one side. At first, she would snap out of the stretch, sucking in a breath of agony and cursing. Then over several days, she managed to lean forward and hold the stretch for five seconds, then another couple of days, ten seconds, another couple of days, thirteen all the way to twenty seconds.

A medic came by underneath another Wolf’s supervision and examined Abby. On the cusp of recovery, on the cusp of forming a plan, Abby was dragged out the room by herself only to be beaten bloody again by Natalie. This was the pattern.

After the second beating, Abby had given up on bottling up her emotions. She would put on a face made of stone, but by the time the night finally came, Abby would sob and Ellie would lay awake, feigning sleep, motionless and listening.

×

Abby coughed as she tried to scoot away from Natalie. Her lip was split open and bleeding. She wheezed as she breathed in. A wisp of blonde hair was sucked into her mouth, she blew it out.

“She hasn’t screamed once, Nat, I don’t think you’re hitting her hard enough!” A male Wolf called. He held playing cards in his hands. She was used to his voice.

The other Wolf, a female sitting across from him replied, “Maybe hitting isn’t enough?”  

The third, another male laughed. “She doesn’t need to scream, you can see it all in her face.”

The first male Wolf hissed. “Come on, Nat, I bet my fucking Talking Heads’ CD!”

“Fuck your CD!” Natalie snapped. “It’s probably shit!” She was covered in sweat and panting, clad in black cargo pants, a black tank-top and her steel-toed boots. Her hands were red at the knuckles.

Abby steadied her breathing, lying motionless on the floor. She may have not screamed this time, but her body ached all over, waves of throbbing pain spread from her stomach and her back.

“Throw the bitch back in her cage,” Natalie sneered and she stormed out the familiar medical room.

Abby almost sighed with relief. She felt two pairs of hands on each of her biceps, yanking her to her feet. Her hands felt numb from the restraints.

They fixed the blindfold over her eyes and escorted her out.

×

Abby was shoved back into her cell and forced to put her back against the bars. The familiar jingling of keys and then her wrists were freed. She waited, staring at the poor Firefly insignia, her name and all the other names.

Abby leaned back against the door as her hands were untied. From the wrists down, there was nothing but pins and needles. She waited until the door shut, waited until the footsteps left. She waited all this time.

“Ellie,” Abby whispered. “What day do you think it is again?”

Ellie’s voice was soft. “Thirty… thirty four? Five?”

Abby collapsed onto her stomach, breathing hard. “I didn’t scream this time.”

×

“I led them away from him. They wanted payback. It was the first time I killed so many men in one sitting. I was pushing open this door and the motherfucker snuck up behind me, put me in a headlock and everything went black. When I woke up, I was in a cage. There was a guy in front of the table with his back to me. He was chopping up a human body into pieces.”

Abby shuddered, her steel blue eyes wide open. “You’re full of shit.”

Ellie looked at Abby dead in her face. “I swear.”

Abby nodded at Ellie to continue, hanging on her every word.

“So the motherfucker comes back with food—”

Abby’s eyes narrowed. “Food?”

“Deer, he said. Didn’t really believe him, but I took a few bites. He was pissed ’cause I was judging him for eating human people. Said some bullshit about, ‘You kill to survive, so do we.’ I asked him if he was gonna chop me up into tiny pieces. He told me he’d rather not. He wanted to…” Ellie paused, smoothing her hand through her hair. “He wanted to know my name so badly. I asked him why. He said some bullshit about convincing the others. He said I have ‘heart,’ that I’m ‘loyal’ and he put his hand on mine, he said I was special.”

Abby breathed in. “Sick motherfucker doesn’t even begin to describe him. What happened next?”

Ellie paused. “I manipulated him back like how he manipulated me, pretended to fucking care—for only a second. I put my other hand on his and then I broke his finger, tried to get the keys hanging on his belt, but he just slammed me into the fence a few times and snatched them off the ground. It hurt so much at the time.”

“Shit,” Abby breathed.

“He said, ‘What am I supposed to tell the others now?’ And I said my name, I don’t think he heard me at first. I said, ‘Tell them that Ellie is the little girl that broke your fucking finger!’”

Abby tried to hide her smile with her hand, but she laughed, genuinely laughed. There was a part of her that hated to admit it, but she thought Ellie was magnetic. She didn’t mind learning more about her.

×

Closer to the forty-fifth day mark, Ellie and Abby were blindfolded, tied up and dragged from their cells. Abby’s heart pounded in her chest as they walked.

Where are they taking us?

The two women shoved into the room. Abby was forced to sit in a chair and freed of her blindfold first and the first face she saw was Natalie's. Abby bared her teeth. Not a day went by without Abby fantasizing about killing Natalie.

Natalie’s feet were propped up on the table that separated her from Abby. She eyed Abby with her freezing blue eyes as she drank from a canister and Abby could see the muscles in her throat working to take down what she assumed was water. Abby looked at the table, seeing her military knife. She simmered. Abby hated it when people stole her possessions.

I would slit her throat, but that’s a swift death.

Natalie ceased her drinking and set the canister on the table, smacking her lips.

“Good morning, Abby,” Natalie said calmly. “Say it back.”

“Good morning, Natalie,” the words came out tightly through clenched teeth.

“You know, usually I go to bed at night and I think of every way I can make you fucking miserable,” Natalie reached for Abby's knife and twirled it in her hands. It caught the light and glimmered.

Abby waited for her to go on. Her ears picked up on Ellie’s broken breathing behind her, slightly broken. The fight-or-flight was kicking in for the both of them. She wanted to turn her head to look, wanted to tell her that she was okay, but not in front of Natalie.

“But honestly?” Natalie’s lips stretched over her teeth. “I have a question.”

Abby’s breath picked up and she swallowed. She waited.

“You don’t want to know what it is? If I was Isaac, you would let me probe your brain, maybe more than just your brain.” Abby’s lip furled over her teeth.

She’s fucking delusional.

Natalie slid the knife over to Abby’s side of the table.

“Shoot,” Abby whispered.

“Where’s the boy you saved?” Natalie asked innocently, standing up. Abby’s skin crawled.

“Dead!” Abby shot back quickly. Her heart pounded in her chest.

“Bullshit!” Natalie slammed her fists on the table, making it rock. “You piss me off, Abigail.” She grabbed her canister and dragged the chair around the table and placed it a good distance away from Abby’s chair.

“Turn her around, Adam.” Adam came over and twisted the chair around. Abby looked from Natalie to Ellie and back to Natalie.

“What are you doing?” Abby asked, her voice thinning. “What are you fucking doing, Natalie?”

Natalie drank from her canister and smeared the water from her lips. “Take off her blindfold.”

Ellie’s breath quickened as the blindfold slid from her eyes.

The first face Ellie saw was Abby’s, flushed with desperation and fear.

“Ellie, right?” Natalie asked. “You two met in California, that’s what you said, correct?”

Ellie willed herself to answer, “Yeah.”

Natalie crossed her legs. “You didn’t happen to see a kid with her, did you?”

“He’s not a part of this,” Abby told Ellie, watching her hold the switchblade to Lev’s throat as he laid unconscious in the boat.

Ellie glanced at Abby and her eyes jumped to Natalie. “I know he’s nothing to you, but he’s everything to me.”

“No,” Ellie answered, her voice strained.

Natalie fished out a pair of black leather gloves from her jacket. “You sure about that, Ellie?”

Ellie barely nodded.

“Then open your mouth and say it,” Natalie hissed.

Ellie spoke, but there was a tremble in her voice. “I’m sure.”

Natalie applied pressure, slipping on the gloves, pausing to smile at Abby. She was shaking.

She turned back to Ellie. “You’re sure of what? Speak up.”

Ellie breathed in, feeling the other Wolves’ eyes on her. “When I met Abby, I didn’t see a kid with her.”

Natalie stood up and Abby ground her teeth as she watched Natalie approach Ellie.

“I don’t know if I believe you, Ellie. Something about you just rubs me the wrong way.” She motioned to the Wolf and the Wolf gripped Ellie’s forearms, holding her in place and Ellie braced herself.

Natalie punched Ellie in her stomach and Ellie grunted as the blow landed. Her head fell and she coughed, ”Fuck…”

“I just can’t shake it.” Natalie sighed. “It’s like you know something I don’t.”

“Natalie, she’s not a part of this!” Abby yelled.

Natalie spoke to the Wolf holding onto Ellie. “Let her go, Jake.” Jake released Ellie’s forearms and Ellie fell to her knees.

Natalie sauntered around Ellie. “You can’t be willing to die for this bitch.”

Ellie panted and spat, “I don’t know anything about any fucking kid!”

Natalie kicked Ellie in her side and Ellie fell over, wheezing.

“Natalie, fucking stop!” Abby growled.

“I told you there’s no fucking kid,” Ellie breathed out. “She said he’s dead.”

Natalie picked up Ellie by her hair and Ellie scrambled back onto her knees, wincing. Natalie let go of Ellie’s hair.

“I’ll make you a deal, Ellie. If you’re as innocent as this bitch makes you out to be, tell me where the kid is and I’ll let you go.”

Abby’s heart skipped a beat. Ellie panted, her hair curtaining half of her face.

Natalie kneeled in front of Ellie, smoothed her hair out of her face and crooned to her, “Just think about it, Ellie. We give you back your shit, you walk through that exit and go back to whoever’s laying awake at night, wondering where you are and if you’re fucking alive.”

Ellie closed her eyes, trying to catch her breath. It was Dina, JJ, Tommy and Maria’s faces flashing before her eyes. Last but not least, it was Joel.

Ellie readied herself, trying to take deep breaths and hissing at the soreness. She opened her eyes, seeing Abby’s face, flushed from rage. Ellie could see the paranoia in her eyes. Abby leaned forward, her entire posture read as begging, begging for Ellie to give her the chance to get them both out of here.

Ellie took one last breath and spat into Natalie’s face. “Fuck you, cunt!”

Natalie reeled away, hissing and smearing Ellie’s bloody saliva off of her face.

“You fucking—” Natalie let out a hair-raising screech. “You stupid little bitch!”

Abby almost grinned. Natalie struck Ellie in the face and Ellie dropped to the floor. She spat out more blood and drew in a wheezy breath and to Abby’s surprise, Ellie laughed hoarsely.

“What the fuck are you laughing at?” Natalie snapped.

“You’re gonna fucking die,” Ellie whispered. “Slow.”

Notes:

I do not ever get tired of writing that dance scene between Ellie and Dina nor do I get tired of watching it which I honestly had to do over ten times. Fuck Seth.

I adore Conspiracy, hailing from one of my favorite albums, it's heavy and gritty and I couldn't have picked a better song. It really hits it on the head for the themes of this chapter. Ignorance, anxiety, hope, powerlessness and the desire to be free.

Initially, I was going to use the opening lyrics, "Please speak softly for they will hear us/And they'll find out why we don't trust them/Speak up, dear 'cause I cannot hear you/I need to know why we don't trust them," but honestly the bridge is more emotional, more telling of the desperation Ellie and Abby share. Both of them incredibly vulnerable, lost and barely holding on.

Abby and Ellie have built trust between them that is so clear by the end of the chapter and Abby comforts Ellie where she can. When I finished this, it beat out Asking For It for my favorite chapter, but realistically, I already written a quarter of a chapter that will go down as one of my favorites.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter and comments/kudos are always appreciated! See you sooner than you expect! ❤️🌈

Chapter 16: Going Under

Notes:

tw: attempted r*pe, murder, traumatic flashbacks

I’m dying again,

I’m going under,

Drowning in you,

I’m falling forever,

I’ve got to break through,

I’m going under,

Going under,

I’m going under

—Evanescence

×

Ellie and Abby panted as their restraints were undone through the cell bars. The two women leaned against the bars as the Wolves made their exit. Ellie’s legs collapsed  underneath her and she fell forward with a grunt.

Abby twisted around, her hands clinging to the bars. “Ellie?” Abby whispered.

Ellie coughed. She clawed at the tiled floor, dragging herself across it until she reached the cot. She lifted herself up onto it, almost losing her grip and slipping. Ellie clambered on top of the cot, letting out a gasp when she landed on her sore side.

Ellie wheezed as she inhaled and tried to lay still. The way she says my name.

“Ellie?” Abby whispered again.

Natalie beat the hell out of Ellie. Abby begged for her to stop and Natalie did, only to beat Abby. Abby was still in better shape than Ellie only because Natalie had exerted so much effort into bludgeoning Ellie. The crone was panting and foaming at the mouth, hurling slurred insults and stumbling around the battered women.

“It hurts to talk.” Ellie whispered. “Room’s spinning.”

Ellie closed her eyes, thinking of Natalie’s ruthless hands wringing her neck like a soaking wet rag until everything faded to black. The last thing she’d heard before losing consciousness was Natalie’s icy laughing and Abby’s pleading. 

She begged her.

“Go to sleep,” Abby whispered, staring at the ceiling.

Ellie spat blood onto the floor and hummed.

×

Abby sat on her cot and stole a glance at Ellie. The spitfire looked down at her right hand.

Abby stole another glance at Ellie and Ellie was already looking at her and just as quick, looked away, favored her hands, curling the other hand into a fist and pressing down on the first knuckle until she heard a pop.

Another pop and Abby bit her lip. Her eyes slid in Ellie’s direction and surely enough, Ellie’s eyes were on her.

“What?” Ellie asked as she cracked another knuckle.

Abby breathed in, running a hand through her blonde hair and wincing as her fingers snagged on a tangle. “You could’ve lied about where he was and left.”

“She would’ve killed me.” Ellie scoffed and there was another soft pop.

Abby shook her head and her blue eyes stared right through Ellie. “You weren’t thinking about that. You looked at me.”

Ellie crossed her arms. “They would’ve fucking killed you, Abby!”

“But you wanted me dead!” Abby argued. “You could’ve walked!”

“I had my fucking chance!” Ellie snapped. “And I let you go.”

Abby sucked in a breath through her teeth. “You could’ve went back to Jackson, told them you never ran into me and—”

Ellie stalked over to the cell door and wrapped her hands around the cold metal.

“And what about Lev, huh?” Ellie countered in a whisper. “You think he’s going to fucking believe that? After I threatened to kill him if you didn’t fight me on that beach?”

Abby flinched. She remembered Lev shoving her, his eyes furious, but underneath all that fury was fear. “Did you forget what happened to us in California? Do you ever think, Abby?”

And another memory bloomed open in her mind.

Abby and Lev walked within sight of the Casino, the heat from the California Sun bearing down on them. They were soaked in sweat and starving.

“Almost there, kid,” she whispered. She squeezed his hand and tried to ignore how small it felt. They continued trudging through the sand and Abby’s heart fluttered in her chest as she looked on at the Casino. It was just less than a mile away.

She gasped as she came across a dead body just outside the doors of the Casino, reduced to skin and bones. She spotted the dry blood on the pavement and the exit wound through the skull. She breathed in shakily.

She kneeled down and spotted the metal necklace around the corpse’s neck. She gently picked up the chain and with her other hand, she let the pendant rest in her palm. She smoothed the Firefly insignia with her thumb and turned it over.

Samuel Grant

000407

Lev stepped closer. “What are you looking at, Abby?”

“We… we wore necklaces.” She looked around them, paranoia seeping into her mind and she motioned Lev over. “See the symbol? That’s the Firefly symbol.”

Lev watched as she flipped it over. “And on the back, they put our and a number for identification.”

She let the pendant fall and spotted a pistol in Samuel’s hand, nothing but bone. She carefully picked it up and checked the magazine, just six bullets. Abby wobbled as she got to her feet and traded a dread-filled glance at Lev.

It jarred Abby to take him in. He was small, but a force to be reckoned with and now, he looked frail and completely defenseless. The sight of him like that scared her beyond anything else she faced.

“J-Just stay behind me, okay?” Abby whispered. Lev nodded and followed behind Abby, looking back at the skeleton.

She pushed open the doors to the Casino. There were more dead bodies and so much blood, stained into the floor. She wondered if all two hundred of them could be dead.

“Are these all Fireflies?” Lev asked, his voice was so small. Abby ran a hand through her short, blonde hair and closed her eyes.

“I don’t know…” Abby whispered, “I'll check.”

She started to inspect the bodies, seeing a few of them that bore the necklaces and a few that didn’t.

“No, this isn’t one of ours,” Abby whispered, pulling away from one of the bodies. She took a backpack off of the body, unzipping it and seeing what was in it. She shouldered the backpack and she leaned over the corpse, taking a shotgun out of its hands.

She went onto check the bodies, her breath catching every time it was a Firefly.

“Lev,” Abby pressed a pistol into his hands hurriedly.

“Abby,” Lev whispered, staring at the gun and looking up  “I don’t know how—”

“Finger on the trigger, aim and fire,” she turned away from him, sucking in a breath and cursing herself for never teaching him how to use a gun.

The pair wandered through the abandoned casino. Abby stopped counting the bodies and Lev held his questions in. The two came across an open door and she spotted a radio and the mic. Her breath caught in her throat.

“Lev, watch the door,” she whispered, walking through. Her eyes jumped around the room as she approached the radio and the mic.

“Abby, no!” Lev whispered. “Remember what happened last time?”

Abby turned on her heels and squeezed her hands into fists, her voice trembling as she spoke. “What if some of them escaped, Lev? What if they’re waiting to come back? We have to try!”

Lev looked at the floor. “Okay, Abby.”

Abby turned and flicked the radio switch. She listened to the static, relieved it was working. Her hands scrambled on the desk, pushing aside papers until she came across the call sign. She wouldn’t broadcast openly, not again.

She dragged the paper closer with her fingers.

She vaguely remembered which ones didn’t answer, but there were more on the list, Los Angeles, Santa Monica, Anaheim, Ventura, Riverside, Big Sur. Oceanside had a line crossed through it. She swallowed hard as she read the words Santa Barbara.

She punched in the number alongside Los Angeles, and pressed the call button, inhaling to steady herself.

“Is this frequency currently in use?” She paused, taking another breath. “This is Abby from Catalina Island. Can anyone hear me? Hello?”

She tried Santa Monica, bracing herself against the desk. She wet her lips and glanced behind her at Lev, paranoia threatening to swallow her. Lev nodded at her.

She held the button down.

“Is this frequency currently in use?” Her voice was stretched thin and hoarse. “This is Abby… Abby from Catalina Island. Standing by.”

She paused, lifted her finger off the button and breathed in a shivering breath. The static went on and nobody responded. She looked over her shoulder again at Lev, he stared down the hallway, gun aimed.

She tried Anaheim, punching in the buttons. She pressed the button on the mic and ignored the gnawing in her stomach.

“Is this frequency currently in use?” Abby asked, her voice trembling. “Hello, this is Abby from Catalina Island. Is anyone out there?”

Abby lifted up the button, waiting as the static filled her ears.

Nothing.

“Fuck,” she whispered.

She tried Ventura, squeezing her eyes shut as she held down the button.

“Is this frequency currently in use?” She breathed in. “This is Abby from Catalina Island. Can anyone hear me? Hello?” She lifted up her finger off the button, her heart pounding in her ears.

She pressed the button. “Repeat, this is Abby Anderson from Catalina Island, if anyone can hear me, please reply.”

She tried Riverside. “This is Abigail Anderson from Avalon on Catalina Island, is anyone out there? Please respond.”

She lifted up her fingers and listened to the static, digging her nails into the wood. She glanced at the paper, Oceanside was a no-go. She squeezed her hand into a fist as her eyes tracked over the words Santa Barbara. She shook her head.

She glanced at the paper and looked at the frequency number for Big Sur, remembering no one answered and her heart sunk. This was the last frequency.

She looked over her shoulder again at Lev and punched in the frequency for Big Sur.

“Is this frequency currently in use?” She lifted her finger off the button, waiting.

She lifted her finger up and pressed her hand to her mouth, choking back a sob. She pressed the button down. “Is anyone out there? This is Abby Anderson from Catalina Island. Please answer.”

She lifted up her finger and waited. She prayed in her head. She blinked to clear her vision as she looked down at the paper and gasped for air. A tear slid down her cheek and fell onto the paper.

“Abby…” Lev whispered.

She pressed the call button down again and her voice broke as she sent out the message. “This is Abby Anderson from Catalina Island, I have a child and we need help. Please answer me.”

“Abby, fucking answer me!” Ellie hissed.

Abby gasped and lifted her teary eyes to Ellie. “Wh-What did you say?”

Ellie sighed and turned away. “Forget it.”

×

“Where’s the fucking kid, Abby?” Natalie kicked Abby in her side with her steel-toed boots and she gasped, clenching her jaw through the pain.  She was laying on her stomach and every time she breathed, she hissed.

Maybe I'm already dead and this is just hell. Abby winced, her lips parted as she rocked back onto her knees. She could deal with another blow to the face, just nowhere near her stomach.

Blunt force was a different type of a pain unlike a gunshot or a knife. Knives and bullets were sharp and stinging, but blunt force permeated outwards from the impact like a pebble thrown into water and it ached all the way down to the bone.

She braced herself as Natalie backhanded her across the face and she chased air after she hit the floor, blowing air and sucking it back in just as quick.

“Even if you don’t tell me, Abby, I’ll find him,” Natalie sneered as she circled around her. “Can’t be too hard to find a teenager with fucking scars on his face outside of Seattle.”

“He’s dead, Natalie,” Abby moaned. “I told you, he’s fucking dead.”

Natalie got to her knees and snatched  the hair at Abby’s crown with leather gloves, yanking her head off the floor and making her gasp. She sneered in her ear. “Liar.”

Abby’s blood surged through her veins and sweat crawled down her face, dripping off her jaw. “You’re fucking delusional.”

Natalie yanked Abby’s head back and she yelped as the vertebrae popped in her neck.

“You know what I’m gonna do when I find him?” Natalie whispered.

Abby’s heart rate skyrocketed and the hair on her arms stood at attention. It was Lev's smile in her mind’s eye and his laugh bouncing back and forth between her ears.

“I’ll put a noose around his fucking neck, then I’ll take your knife and rip his stomach open, tear his guts out myself right in front of you. Justice for Isaac and every Wolf who died at the hands of those disgusting fucking Scars.”

Something inside of Abby broke just imagining it and she lost control, kicking and thrashing as a bloodcurdling scream poured from her throat.

Natalie stood up with a grin on her face as she looked at her pack, pausing to listen to Abby’s shrill screams.

“I knew he was fucking alive.”

×

Ellie sat up and shivers ran down her spine when she heard Abby.

Abby shrieked without stopping. Dread curled around Ellie’s throat and squeezed like a snake. She broke out of her shock and nearly fell rushing to the cell door. She waited, listening to Abby’s screeches, sharp like razor blades. Her hands starting to soak with sweat as she clung to the bars.

What the fuck did they do to her?

The piercing screams reminded Ellie of Abby’s sharp cry when she sliced her face on the coast of Santa Barbara except they went on and on and on. It fueled her with rage, rage she thought she could only feel towards Abby, not on behalf of Abby.

What did they fucking do to her?

The proximity of the screams increased and Ellie realized that Abby was returning to her cell. Her heart pounded in her chest like a drum, waiting to see what damage was done.

Abby was thrashing and kicking when she was dragged back into the room. It took two Wolves to hold her. She wailed as her restraints were untied. She screamed as the Wolves left, falling to her knees with her back to Ellie.

She punched the floor, gasping as her knuckles stung. She howled again. She didn’t care who heard her and with every scream, fear was injected into Ellie’s veins, headed straight to her heart with every beat.

“Abby?” Ellie called for her, but Abby only responded with a wail, punching the floor again.

“Abby, stop! You can’t do shit with a broken hand!” Abby only screamed again, so loud that Ellie flinched. If there was a God, Ellie was certain that he heard Abby.

Did they make her talk? How? She could see the bruises on her upper arms and when Ellie caught her face, it seemed like nothing of the usual.

Abby’s screaming subsided to broken sobs and hoarse gasps.

“Abby?” Ellie called her again, watching the girl lock her arms around her knees. Her blonde hair was a mess, streaks of red through her hair from being dragged across the bloody floor and it hid all of the fear in Abby’s face.

Say something, Abby, Ellie begged, looking on Abby sobbing. Talk to me.

Ellie waited for minutes on minutes until Abby was just whimpering and sniffling.

Abby wouldn’t look at Ellie, but Ellie heard her, low and quiet.

“She said she’s going to find him and kill him in front of me,” then she gasped for air like she was drowning all over again, “And I fucked up.”

Ellie’s clammy hands released the bars, her stomach turning as she realized what happened.

×

The next day was eerily quiet. The girls went through their routine of being showered and fed. When Ellie stared into Abby’s eyes while they showered, it was like staring into fogged glass. Instead, it was Ellie forced to keep herself calm.

Left alone to their own devices, Abby struggled for her composure. Her voice was broken, her vocal chords shredded from the screaming, so she stayed silent as she sat on her cot, listening to Ellie pace across from her.

“Did she say how?”

Abby sucked in a furious breath through her teeth. “You ran into the Seraphites here.”

Ellie nodded, glancing at Abby from her cot.

“You know what they do. You said it.” The blonde’s voice was icy and Ellie closed her eyes and remembered.

Ellie recovered from her slide through the moist mud and dusted off her shirt, listening as a man screamed.

“No! Please! Don’t do this!” She crept closer, her shoes sloshing through the water as she looked on.

“Damn it,” she sighed to herself, seeing more of the people she knew as the Scars.

“Issac’s planning something! I'll—I’ll tell you about it!” The man begged. Ellie looked on, squinting and counting the amount of people she knew as Scars she saw. The man begging for his life had a noose around his neck.

She crouched besides a bush of ferns, hidden in plain sight as she listened and watched.

“Just—” The man choked with the noose around his neck. “Just let me—” He panicked as the Scar approached him with a knife. “Listen!”

“They are nested with sin,” said the hooded Scar.

“I didn’t want this!” The Wolf choked out. “Holy shit!” Ellie watched carefully as the hooded Scar’s knife pointed at his stomach. “No, don’t!” A gurgling scream of pain made the goosebumps rise on Ellie’s arms.

“Free them—” The hooded Scar dragging the knife through his stomach, blood surging forth as the Wolf screamed. “—that they may know my love.”

“Oh, shit,” Ellie whispered.

Ellie opened her eyes, meeting Abby’s stare.

“He’s just a kid. What did he even fucking do?” Ellie dragged a hand through her hair.

“Shaved his head and saved my life,” Abby recalled bitterly. She hugged herself.

That’s like David chopping me up for saving Joel’s life. Ellie sighed. And it almost happened, but I diced his fucking face.

“We need a plan, Abby,” Ellie whispered. “Jackson’s not… We’re not like the Fireflies or the Seraphites. Jackson's a…”

Ellie struggled to find the word.

“A haven,” Abby whispered and when she closed her eyes, she saw Jackson burning.

“What happens if she finds Jackson?” Ellie dug her fingers into cushion of her cot.

“I...” Abby whispered, her hands balled into white-knuckled fists. “I don’t know.”

×

“Help me…” Abby whispered, the rope bit into her wrists and she couldn’t feel her hands. “Please…”

She opened her sore eyes. “Mel?”

Mel’s face held no life glassy grey eyes

“I told you so,” Mel sneered through blue lips. “Leah, Nick, Jordan, Nora, Yara, Manny, Owen, me and my child! Who’s next? That girl from Jackson you’re trying to protect?”

Mel let out a cold rattling laugh at the mention of the last person, the skin of her wound stretching underneath the dried blood.

“Mel,” Abby pleaded weakly. “It was an accident.”

“It was an accident? I guess swinging a golf club at Joel Miller’s skull was an ‘accident,’ too.”

“You’re not real!” Abby choked out.

“You should’ve killed her back in Jackson, Abby.” Mel turned her back to Abby. “It should’ve been her, not us.”

“You’re dead, Mel.” Abby spat. “You’re not fucking real.”

“You’re not Jerry, Abby. You don’t save lives, you destroy them. Everyone that gets close to you dies. Everyone dies except for you.”

Abby jolted up with a gasp, her heart jumping out of her chest. She stared at Ellie and sorrowful green eyes stared back.

Ellie rubbed her throat. “You were talking in your sleep again. You said her name…”

“Don’t.” Abby snapped and Ellie look away, subdued over the freezing reply.

Abby clenched her jaw and eased off the cot slow. She positioned her lips under the tap and welcomed the freezing water. Abby stepped back until the cot met her claves and curled up into it, yanking the thin blanket over herself with a soft curse. She was still sore and sour from yesterday’s interrogation.

Underneath the blanket, Abby wondered what Ellie heard her say and failed to shrug it off, but Ellie heard every reply, her right hand trembling at the memory of Mel’s swollen belly.

×

Ellie was curled on her side an hour or so later, listening to Abby’s congested snores. Her stomach garbled for food she knew she wouldn’t be getting today. She rubbed her feet against the other in an attempt for warmth. She closed her eyes and tried not to think of Abby. Instead, Joel breached the surface.

“So what’s with the blindfold, Joel?” Ellie tried to pry with the blindfold, but Joel grabbed her hand. “Why are we outside? You finally sick of my shit?”

Joel rolled his eyes at the girl’s playful accusation. “Just keep walking, Ellie.”

He led her into his backyard, carefully scanning the ice on the ground and maneuvering Ellie around it.

Joel twisted open the door and led Ellie through. Warmth tickled her skin and the smell of firewood filled her nose. She felt Joel’s careful fingers untying the blindfold knotted at the back of her head.

“And this is your space, kiddo,” Joel whispered, pulling the blindfold from Ellie’s eyes.

“Shit, Joel!” Ellie exclaimed. Her worn, black All-Stars thudded against the tiles and her eyes jumped around, landing on a Savage Starlight poster tacked to the wooden panel.

She walked around the already furnished room, grinning. Her eyes jumped to the television with the  back to the desk with its computer chair, to the small living room space lit by Christmas lights with a couch made for friends and the table with a stack of books on it and finally, to the neatly made bed with royal blue sheets.

She whirled around, her green eyes sparkling like jewels. “Joel?! When did you do this?”

Joel sheepishly grinned, rubbing the back of his neck. “Well, Tommy and a couple of the boys helped me move everything out of my house today while you were hanging out with Jesse and Dina. Go on ‘head now, get comfortable.”

She leaned down and untied her shoes, hopping as she pulled each one off. She rushed over to the bed and threw herself on it, a string of laughter like a cluster of summertime bubbles.

Joel watched with twinkling eyes, closing the door behind him to keep the heat from the small fireplace inside. He leaned against the door, his heart warming up at the sight of Ellie’s joy. Moments like this made Joel stand tall alongside his convictions. The deaths that lined the halls of Salt Lake City made way for a new life he valued above all others, Ellie’s.

Ellie jumped up and rushed into Joel’s arms, burying her face in his grey flannel. He held her close, fingers smoothing against her auburn hair. She looked up at him. “You trying to get rid of me, old man? I think it’s fucking working!”

Joel shook his head. “No, kiddo, I could never get rid of you.”

As Ellie opened her eyes to stare at the dirtied and decayed ceiling, she pressed her fist against her lips, stifling a cry. Her lungs filled with air and she squeezed her eyes shut, a lone tear slipping out. A longing for home plagued her and like throwing a stone into a well, she waited for feeling to plummet to the bottom to its final resting place, but it never came.

×

“This could be over quick if you told me how bad it hurts,” said the female medic with black hair.

Abby scoffed. Guess.

She stood completely naked in front of three Wolves, two guards and the medic, thankfully all female.

The medic pressed her cold fingers against Abby’s ribs and watched a glimpse of pain cross her face.

The medic pulled away, visibly irritated.

“What’s the verdict? She’s pretty black and blue,” said one of the Wolves.

Abby kept her face like stone, her eyes sliding back to the medic, waiting.

“One of these days, Natalie is gonna fucking break her ribs." the medic crossed her arms.

Christ, Abby thought. She knew she wouldn't be able to do anything, let alone escape. It just meant more time away from Lev.

He probably thinks I'm dead. Abby breathed in.

“Who cares if she breaks her ribs?” The other Wolf argued. “She’s a fucking snake!”

“If it punctures a lung or rips a blood vessel, she’ll die and she’ll die swift, do you think Natalie wants that?” the medic snapped back. “And even if she doesn’t, she’ll need six to eight weeks of rest!”

The Wolf cursed underneath her breath.

The medic continued, “Tell Natalie to lay off for two weeks.”

Abby swallowed a sigh.

×

Abby glanced at Ellie and then squinted at the door. She crossed her arms. The Wolves were lingering outside the door.

Ellie scoffed as Abby looked in her direction. Abby smirked, sitting in front of the cell door and resting her head against the bars. She closed her eyes and the footsteps trudged away from the door.

Ellie crouched and crawled to the door, pausing as pain shot across her midsection. She spoke, low and soft. “You okay?”

Abby looked at Ellie from the corner of her eye. “Yeah, just another examination. Medic let it slip that Natalie can’t touch me for two weeks.” Abby cracked a smile and a laugh slide off her tongue.

“Good, I guess." 

“I know we’re fucked up, but…” Abby set her eyes on Ellie, biting her lip and smoothing her thumb against the inside of her sore wrists. It was Lev's face flashing in her mind. “We have to try.”

Ellie looked up with curious green eyes and sucked in a breath. “How?”

“I… I don’t know,” Abby stared at Ellie with solemn blue eyes. “But if we get a chance, I’m not letting it slip through my fingers.”

Abby thought of her attempted escape with Lev and Guilt filled her. It was sloppy, panicked and desperate.

Ellie nodded, staring at the blonde. “Instinct.”

Abby nodded and tried to swallow the fear that kept her from replying.

×

Abby pushed open the door as the alarm flooded her ears. The lights flashed every second, painting the walls and the floor red. Abby panted softly, seeing the Firefly insignia all the way at the end of the hall next to the red door next to the operating room. She ran towards the door, the noise fading out with nothing but her panting in her ears.

She pulled the door open and her feet carried her to the next door. She threw herself again it and stopped, seeing Owen sitting on the edge of the table.

“Owen?” she panted.

“Slow down, Abs, what’s the rush?” Owen tilted his head up at Abby.

Abby walked forward and she looked around the room. She threw herself at Owen and he embraced her, smoothing his hand over her head and down her braid. She breathed him in and tears prickled at her eyes.

“I don’t what to do,” Abby admitted, crushing her face into his chest. She started to cry.

Owen hushed her as she squeezed the back of his shirt. “Don’t cry, Abigail.”

“I’m scared,” Abby whispered, her voice broke.

“Why are you scared?” Owen pushed her away and gazed upon her face. He smeared a tear away and she gasped.

“I can’t… I’m not strong enough,” Abby looked away and a breath slipped through her lips.

“Look at me, Abby,” Owen whispered. She wouldn’t.

He reached for her with gentle fingers, tilting her face towards him by her chin. Owen’s deep, brown eyes looked into Abby’s. “You’re the strongest person I know.”

“But—” Abby started.

“No but's,” Owen nodded at her.

“Owen…” Abby whispered, her ocean blue eyes teary and red.

Owen tilted her head up and pressed lips to hers, soft and chaste. He pulled away and looked on at Abby, her eyes closed.

 “Wake up, Abby. It’s time.”

Abby’s eyes shot open as she heard Ellie’s muffled cry and a man hushing her.

No.

She laid still and from the way her head was angled, she could open her eyes and see. She and Ellie always slept where they could see each other. She heard Ellie’s voice, fear dripping off every word.

“Don’t do this!”

Abby sucked in a breath and opened her eyes.

The Wolf had Ellie pinned down on the cot. She could see his back and she assumed his hand was tightly clamped over her mouth. Ellie smacked at his forearms and tried to shove him off and Abby’s heart skipped a beat. They were both so tired and weak.

“Shut the fuck up!” The Wolf hissed and Ellie’s breathing only accelerated, the panic was so familiar to Abby, it was empty and hopeless, a panic that prepared a victim for the worst.

Abby rushed off the cot and gripped the bars. “Get the fuck off of her!”

“Shut the fuck up, Abby!” The Wolf snapped. She could hear his zipper sliding down.

“Stop!” Abby hissed. “She’s fucking Infected!”

The Wolf paused and jerked away from Ellie, getting back on his feet. He turned towards Abby and she recognized him from a previous shower and one of many assignments. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Show him, Ellie,” Abby hissed. “Now!”

Ellie sat up unsteadily, watching the man’s hand on his gun. She locked eyes with Abby as he raised it.

“Fucking show him, Ellie!” Abby slapped her palm against the bars.

Ellie pulled at her collar, panting and the Wolf’s eyes widened and his hand trembled at the sight of the crown of teeth marks between Ellie’s neck and shoulder.

“Put that fucking gun down,” Abby ordered. “She’s immune, but how much do you wanna bet you’re fucking not? That’s not even the first time it happened. Right, Ellie?” The words came out instinctually.

Ellie nodded, watching the gun shake in the Wolf’s trembling hand.

“F-Four times,” Ellie whispered with a shaking voice.

The Wolf’s eyes darted down towards her left hand, his jaw dropped as he spotted the two missing fingers.

“I was taking her to the fucking Fireflies!” Abby snapped. “Put that fucking gun down.”

Abby panted. Oh, shit, I can’t believe that worked.

“What the fuck?” he whispered, he backing up and sliding open the cell door. He locked it back. He growled and looked at Abby.

“I’ve always liked you, Abby.” said the Wolf and Abby’s blood ran cold as the Wolf approached her cell.

The Wolf unlocked her cell. She staggered back and she couldn’t hear what Ellie said. The Wolf slid the door back and lunged at her, grabbing Abby by her hair. He threw her to the ground and she hit the floor hard, gasping as the impact sent a wave of pain to every already sore nerve. She was stunned, choking on a gasp. The cell door was open and she reached towards it only to be dragged back.

No, no, no, no! Abby thought as he flipped her onto her back. He pinned one of her arms and put all of his weight against her body. Ellie’s voice was there, but she couldn’t understand what she said. She clawed at the Wolf, her nails digging into the skin of his face and dragging as hard as she could with a cry.

The Wolf hissed and slapped her so hard her ears started to ring and the left side of her face burned. The air was sucked in through her lips and her arms fell back against the floor, but she didn’t feel it. She struggled as she slipped away, clawing her way back through her mind. The better part of herself begged her to move and yet, her ears kept ringing and she didn’t move.

“Get her shirt off,” one said.

“Don’t let her get up,” another laughed.

She panted quickly as she felt the hands all over her.

She could feel the Wolf’s hands at her hips, yanking her jeans and her panties down over her thighs. Abby’s heart raced and the Wolf’s hands left her skin to ready himself. He leaned over her with a cruel laugh as he pushed her legs back and she felt like she was being choked.

Abby’s eyes opened and she looked at the Wolf, jamming the ball of her hand into his nose with a strained cry. She felt the warm blood splatter onto her face in the same instant his nose crunched underneath her palm.

She shoved him off and he fell backwards, cursing and panting, but he was stunned, rocking on the floor from the pain. She yanked her underwear and jeans up. She mustered the strength and dragged him into the opening of the door, his head laying flush with the bar.

“Abby, don’t!” The Wolf stammered as he held his nose. She glanced down at him, her blue eyes frozen and vacant.

Abby grabbed the cell door and cried out as she slammed the door against his head and the sound of his skull cracking made shivers run up Ellie’s spine. Blood spurted out of his head and across the floor.

Still breathing. Abby let out a guttural growl.

She slid the door back and slammed it with a strained grunt. On impact, there was another sickening crack and she saw blood fly across the floor. Another gurgle from the man’s mouth made her see red.

Still fucking breathing!

Abby pushed the door back and slammed it one more time with a cry of rage and anguish, watching the man’s eye pop out of his destroyed socket.

Abby slumped to the side, holding the door and chasing air. She pressed her palm to her chest and her lungs burned with every breath.

“Son of a bitch,” Abby breathed.

Ellie looked on, speechless, reminded that this was the same cruelty that put Joel six feet under. There was a duality to Abby certainly, layers that unfolded the longer that they simmered in hot water, but this was on par with Abby’s first impression and the goosebumps rose on Ellie’s arms. She felt sick.

Abby leaned over and snatched the gun, just a standard military pistol. She checked the magazine clumsily, panting. Ten. She tucked it between her lower back and the back of her jeans.

She snatched the keys off his belt and staggered to her feet, walking towards Ellie’s cell. Her hands trembled as she tried each key. A tear she couldn’t hold back slid down her cheek and Ellie fixated on it, hearing Abby’s attempted curse catch in her throat. On the third key, she freed Ellie and Ellie stumbled out, her bare feet stepping over the Wolf’s blood and brains carefully.

Abby set the keys on the floor and smeared the back of her hand across her eye, sniffling as she walked to the door. Ellie followed, jarred by what almost happened.

Abby stood and looked at Ellie’s trembling right hand, then back at her glassy green eyes.

“You trust me?” Abby asked hoarsely, placing her hand on the door handle.

“I trust you.” Ellie whispered.

×

The hallways were dim and quiet. Ellie followed behind Abby, so quiet that Abby would look over her shoulder to make sure she was still there. It had to be in the dead of night, Abby hadn’t spotted one patrol. She hoped that the Wolves were nowhere close to their prime after all this time.

This can’t be the main base, but it’s the stadium.

She was right. This was the stadium and it felt strangely empty, a sardonic shell of what it used to. As they stalked the halls, she was plagued with memory after memory. Wolves greeting her with nods of respect and genuine smiles, a room she was sent to stock with canned goods and a faded mural of an ancient football team’s mascot on the wall where she and Owen argued in front of.

It made the bile creep into Abby’s throat.

The two women walked for minutes and then heard another pair of footsteps. Abby’s eyes jumped quickly around her and spotted a door. She opened it quietly, realizing it was a closet. She gestured for Ellie to come in, letting her through first.

Abby side-stepped into the closest, leaving the door ajar. She peered through the crack from the dark, listening and waiting. The footsteps were light. Abby guessed that it was a woman.

She readied herself and the footsteps passed the closet. Abby slipped through and locked her arms around the Wolf’s neck, gripping her gun as leverage as the woman choked. 

Abby dragged the woman backwards into the closet. “Shhhh….”

The woman whimpered in Abby’s arms, going limp and giving in easier than what Abby anticipated. Still, Abby kept her guard.

“Please let me go,” the woman choked out, her hands trying to wrench free from Abby’s inner elbow.

“You’re gonna tell me where my shit is,” Abby whispered. “Or you’re gonna die.”

“I—” The woman gasped for air as Abby’s arm squeezed. “Make a left at the end of this hall, it’s Room 103, across from the room Natalie—”

Abby squeezed her forearm against her neck harder and the woman smacked at Abby’s arm in vain. Abby felt the woman slump in her arms, but held tightly for seconds more, ensuring her quiet demise. She laid the woman down on the cold closet and stepped to the door, easing it open and listening.

With her face lit by the dim light, Abby glanced back at Ellie with determined eyes.

“On me.”

Abby led Ellie down the hallway and she eased up next to the door. She twisted the knob and let it the door open. She peeked in through the crack, seeing nothing and no one.   

Abby’s hand reached behind her and Ellie grasped it. She led her inside with Ellie closing the door quietly behind them. Abby spotted two backpacks with their guns lined against the wall. She motioned Ellie over and the two of them inspected their gear underneath Abby’s flashlight.

“Dumb bitch,” Abby whispered, sliding the magazine back in the rifle. “All your ammo still there? The only thing I’m missing is my knife.”

“Yeah,” Ellie whispered, zipping her bag up.

“Good.” Abby finished lacing her boots and shouldered her backpack with a wince, her steel blue eyes falling on Ellie. She was staring at the door.

“When the Wolves attacked the Island, not many of them made it out,” Abby whispered and Ellie fixed her eyes on her. “I was supposed to lead the first wave, but I went AWOL, trying to save Lev.”

“They haven’t recovered their numbers, even after all this time.” Abby paused, her voice calm like still water, “Natalie’s not an Alpha, no matter how hard she hits. Whatever was left of the Wolves after the attack, they just settled for her.”

“It should’ve been you,” Ellie whispered, remembering Natalie’s cruel introduction.

“Yeah, but I had other plans.” A dull ache rattled around in Abby’s chest and she glanced at the floor, pushing her blonde hair away from her face. Santa Barbara was just a snake den.

“Let’s go.” Abby brandished her pistol and gestured at the door.

“Lead the way,” Ellie muttered.

Ellie followed behind Abby, trying to ignore the way her heart thundered in her chest. She was unnerved by the absence of Wolves.

Are we walking into an ambush? What if she wanted us to escape? All these thoughts plagued her mind and she winced, thinking about the Wolf’s weight on top of her, his hand over her mouth.

Ellie almost gagged, but continued walking behind Abby, being her second pair of eyes and ears as they traversed the halls.

She almost ran into Abby because Abby stopped and braced herself against a wall, holding her side and gasping.

"Abby?" Ellie whispered and raised her hand to touch her shoulder as she stared at the back of her head.

"Shit," the whisper came low and quiet. "It hurts." Abby turned and leaned against the wall, looking at Ellie through her blonde hair.

Ellie glanced behind them and shot Abby a cold look that told her to pull herself together

Abby nodded and pried herself off the wall with a soft hiss. "Fuck... Almost there."

Abby walked through the halls with Ellie on her heels. She stopped in her tracks before a pair of double doors, turning around and pulling Ellie close to her. She pressed her lips to her ear and Ellie held her breath, going rigid.

“We're almost there, this leads to the field.”

Abby pulled away, holding Ellie’s stare for a moment before turning around, pressing herself up against a pair of double doors and easing it open. She peered into the dark, pushing it open further, the cold air raising goosebumps on her skin. She turned and held it open for Ellie to walk through.

Ellie’s eyes adjusted to the dark. The Moon was nothing but a sliver in the sky, bleak from behind the grey clouds. The aroma of the turf and livestock made its way to Ellie and she squinted, making out the wooden structures that lined the bleachers. She heard the door shut behind her, followed by Abby’s quiet footsteps.

Abby looked up, nudging Ellie with her elbow and pointing. “Those are the apartments.” A few of them were lit by a dim light, perhaps a candle. Abby stepped forward and dropped into a crouch, using shadows to keep her hidden. Ellie followed her lead, her All-Stars kicking up dirt with each step.

They entered the long, arching hallway of the stadium and Ellie was sucked into a menacing, faded mural of a wolf baring its teeth as they walk. It struck her in the gut.

We're the prey. Not the predators.

Abby led her to the sign out area with its barred fence. Abby’s fingers locked around the cold metal bars, glancing up at the barbed wire that spiraled above it and her eyes on stared at the keybox hitched on the left wall. She squinted. It was cracked open.

Sloppy, Abby thought, stepping back and crouching. She eyed the small space between the gate and the floor. Too small.

She turned back to Ellie. “I’m gonna check the garage for spares.”

Ellie followed Abby, keeping her gun ready and glancing over her shoulder. Ellie looked to her left, noting a small area dedicated to guns. There was a box of ammo left out on the table. She grabbed it and shook it.

Nothing. She set it back down, drawing in an irritated breath through her nose.

She looked to her right, spotting targets on a rack through the glass and compression headphones hanging up on a small rack. Her brows furrowed. For practice?

She moved ahead into the garage, her eyes falling on Abby. Abby stopped in front of three Humvees sticking out from the garage.

“Those are fucking loud, Abby,” Ellie hissed, glancing over her shoulder again, relieved to see it was just a shadow.

Abby’s reply held just as much venom despite the nausea that circled in her stomach like a snake. “You gonna watch my goddamn six or not?”

Abby climbed into the first Humvee, climbing from the truck bed to the front. Ellie stepped closer, the pistol gripped in clammy hands, aiming in the direction of the hallway.

Abby ripped open compartments in the first truck, panting.  She picked out trash, throwing it onto the floor. Her hand smacked against the bottom of the compartment and her fingers clawed at nothing. She cursed, breaking away and crawling out of the back.

“Nothing?” Ellie whispered. She was praying that Abby would find the spares for the sake of not being on foot in the dark and all the same, the thought of waking up the base with an engine like that filled her with dread. She stepped forward and peered down the hallway. She looked over her shoulder at Abby when she didn’t answer, her boots were too loud on the metal floor panel of the humvee.

She was working quickly, but Ellie knew that the Wolves would come inspect a noise. Ellie kept her gun ready and scanned the shadows, once, twice and a third time, realizing her mind was playing tricks on her.

Abby repeated her efforts, clambering into the driver’s seat. She popped the lock and opened the driver’s door, nearly slipping. She lunged at the driver side’s tire, feeling along the treads. She glanced at the dark road before them, hoping no one was out there.

It’s been too easy, Abby thought, moving to the other side of the vehicle, her palm dragging against the rough threads of the tire. Nothing.

Abby climbed back into the Humvee and out of the back, glancing at Ellie who moved forward to glance down the hallway and then at the last Humvee.

She hopped into the back, spotting a gas can and a siphon pump. She shook it and saw that it was half full.

Her heart pounded from the inside of her chest. Again, into the driver’s seat, checking the compartment between the two seats, finding a map and her eyes widened as she looked up, a small key in the ignition. Abby clambered into the back, pushing her long hair away from her face.

“Hey!” Abby whispered, a grin tugging at the edge of her lips. “Let’s go.”

She grabbed the gas can and the siphon pump, tossing the items on the floor in front of the passenger’s seat. She squeezed through into the driver’s seat.

Ellie tentatively backed up and froze as the sound of gunshots fired off, followed by yelling. She turned on her heel and ran, jumping into the back of the humvee, squeezing between the two front seats with a grunt, taking her place next to Abby.

Abby turned the key and pressed the gas pedal, the engine faltered and the popping of gunshots continued to go off.

“C’mon, Abby, give it some fucking gas!” Ellie snapped, turning to lean against the passenger’s seat, gun pointed at the rear, squinting and panting.

“The fuck you think I’m doing?!” Abby yelled, turning the key again and her foot pushing the gas pedal. The engine rumbled a little stronger, but faltered again.

Abby twisted the key again and the engine roared to life amongst the gunshots, the women felt it in their bones as they traded glances of relief and hope.

Abby held the steering wheel with a vice grip and pushed the pedal to the floor, flicking on the lights. She caught herself wondering who could be bold enough to attack the stadium, but stopped herself. That doesn’t matter.

Abby focused on the dirt road before her as she steered through the slum-like buildings outside of the stadium, away from everything she thought she knew.

Notes:

A clean 14 days without an update, please take a few deep breaths! I've been working, resting when I'm not working and honestly, writing five chapters of this fic and today, you get two. Yes, two. It took me a while to get this one exactly the way I liked it.

When Natalie's typical brutal methods don't work, she plays with Abby's mind using psychological warfare and gets exactly what she wants out of Abby's distress. Abby folds. Abby confronts Ellie on her selfless decision and I think what I like the most about it is that Ellie gives it away that she truly doesn't want Abby dead, but Abby doesn't see it, she's immediately immersed in what happened after Santa Barbara.

Lev will always be Abby's weakness, I wrote that flashback of Catalina Island way earlier, but scrapped it. Very happy to put it here.

Abby and Ellie escape, but not unscathed. Abby is reminded of her past and Ellie is confronted with something she fears more than death. This brings out the best and the worst of Abby. Very polarizing to write and there's also a reference in the way Abby goes about that brutality, comment if you caught it!

I threw around some songs for this one, most notably Crawling by Linkin Park, but I ended up coming back to Going Under. There's something about that song that illustrates a complete admission of weakness and the will to survive. I see it as playing heavily on Abby and Ellie vs Natalie, Ellie versus Abby in their power struggles, Ellie versus her feelings that she pushes down and last but not least, Abby and Ellie versus their past selves. Going Under uses drowning as a theme and it seemed too on the nose.

Thank you for reading! 💕 I appreciate all comments and kudos and hit Next Chapter for me!

Chapter 17: Decode

How did we get here?

I used to know you so well,

How did we get here?

I used to know you so well—

I think I know…

I think I know…

There is something I see in you,

It might kill me, I want it to be true

—Paramore

×

Abby drove through the city of Seattle. The buildings were like imposing ghosts, grey and complete with moans of their own and the smell of rain seeped through the vents. Ellie had long curled up in the passenger’s seat, sleeping after having her nerves short-circuited. Abby knew she needed the rest.

What’s Natalie going to do when she finds out we escaped?

She debated on leaving the city and going straight to Jackson, stealing a glance at Ellie.

What if she knows about Jackson? No, there’s no way.

Abby squeezed the steering wheel, clenching her jaw. What if she has a lead on Lev already?

Abby squeezed her eyes shut, thinking about the fellow survivors she and Lev ran into while travelling back to Jackson. She let out a shuddering breath, stealing another glance at Ellie.

Goddamn it, if she found me and Lev after Seattle, maybe anyone can.

She eyed the gas gauge, thanking her lucky stars it was pretty full. She went over the scenarios and strategies, adjusting her clammy grip on the smooth, black vinyl of the steering wheel.

She was tempted to turn around, go straight to Jackson, run through the gates, screaming at the top of her lungs, but deep inside of her, there was an impossible to ignore hunger, something she didn’t think she could ever feel again. It fed her frame by frame of snapping Natalie’s neck, digging a knife through her eye and bludgeoning her with the hardest object she could get her hands on. She breathed in and the breath was stuck in the back of her throat.

She drove through the mourning city, deciding she would figure out what to do after she slept.

×

Abby pulled up in front of a garage and the dreary Seattle rain fell in sheets. She watched the rain pound against the windshield and rubbed her thumb against her wrist.

She bit her lip. What should I fucking do? She spent the ride, trying to find answers to questions she never wanted to ask. She wondered where the rest of the Wolves were. She almost didn’t want to find out.

She placed her hand on Ellie’s shoulder and shook her gently. “Hey, wake up.”

Ellie stirred.

“Where are we?” Ellie asked, her voice was thick with sleep, but Abby’s hand on her shoulder roused her.

“Somewhere I used to go when I needed space,” Abby whispered. Her hand slipped off Ellie’s shoulder and she opened the door, grunting softly as her boots hit the concrete.

It was a first for Abby. This was a place Abby hadn’t been to since she was nineteen. Owen had his aquarium, but once she and Owen started to take turns stabbing each other in the heart, she sought out her own sanctuary.

Everyone needed somewhere to go when they got sick of running from themselves. So many nights she’d spent here, crying over not having justice for her father, over losing Owen to Mel, over fearing she would never be strong enough, physically or mentally, to face Joel Miller.

She stood in front of the garage door and bit her lip. Never thought I’d be back here… with her of all people.

Abby kneeled down and grabbed the garage door.

“Get the door from the other side,” Abby said through her teeth, straining to keep the door up. Ellie slipped under and spotted a chain to lift the door. She pulled it down, lifting the garage door up and locking it with the second switch. Abby backed up on her feet and jumped into the humvee, carefully easing it through.

Ellie kicked the switch and lowered the door as quietly as possible, wincing as it snapped with an echoing clang against the concrete. She eyed the latch and flipped it.

Abby cut the engine and pocketed the key, carefully getting out of the Humvee. She winced again as she adjusted her backpack straps, trying to free some of her hair pinned underneath it.

Abby crossed the garage and positioned two buckets underneath broken two pipes that caught the rainwater and turned to the door, walking up a small set of stairs. Ellie followed, watching Abby crouch and lift the mat. She snatched the keys underneath them and fiddled with them, unlocking the door and pushing the worn black door open. She let Ellie through and twisted the dead bolt.

Ellie’s eyes tracked around the room, spotting a full-sized bed with navy blue sheets and a black comforter. Next to the bed was a bookcase, filled with books and a dusty, full-body mirror hung next to it. On the opposite side was a small wooden nightstand with a few candles on a plate, a box of matches and a clock stuck at 2:36AM.

Between the bed and the wall was a plastic container and Ellie was unsure of what was in it. From what Ellie could tell, through the door was the kitchen and the bathroom. Her eyes tracked up, following the sound of rain falling against glass, spotting a window in the ceiling above the bed.

Abby dropped her gear at the foot of the bed and sat at the edge. She struggled to keep her eyes open, the aches and pains seeped in through her skin and it was the only thing hanging onto her waking life.

“You should sleep,” Ellie whispered. Abby rubbed her eyes, nodding and swaying as she stood. She unlaced her boots and kicked them off.

Abby didn't bother hiding from Ellie. Her shirt was pulled over her head, revealing the black and blue skin, along with the red ferns burned into her skin on her right side. She pushed her jeans over her hip bones, peeled them down her thighs, spotted with purple and yellow. She kicked her way out of the tight denim, cursing as she nearly fell. Ellie watched as Abby pulled back the black comforter and crawled underneath it, resting her head on the pillow.

“It’s only one bed, but…” Abby trailed off, knowing Ellie was still tired. The words made Ellie’s heart skip a beat.

I shouldn’t feel like this, Ellie thought.

Ellie shrugged off her gear, grimacing as she put it down. She removed her clothes, cursing as they slid against sore bruises. She shuffled over to the bed, watching as Abby tossed the comforter aside, her unreadable blue eyes scanning Ellie’s body from her head to her knees.

Fuck me, Ellie thought and she nearly winced. Not like… fuck.

Ellie held her head down, letting her long, auburn hair fall in front of her face. She could feel the heat creeping into the apples across her cheeks.

Ellie held her breath as she slid into the bed, laying her head on the pillow and drawing the comforter back over them and up over her face. She closed her eyes and released the breath she was holding.

Ellie’s eyes raked over Abby’s face. The swelling had gone down, but the shadows underneath her eyes spelled the kind of fatigue only years of violence and surviving could cause. Abby blinked sleepily at her and closed her eyes.

She’s… Ellie refused to finish the thought.

Ellie watched Abby’s eyebrows furrow behind strands of golden hair, the way her pink lips, healed but bitten from nerves, parted as if she wanted to say something. Abby opened her tired eyes.

Ellie was sure the blood had left her face and she pulled the blanket down. Her heart pounded as Abby blinked at her. She looks like one of those Greek statues. Soft, but…

Ellie stopped herself.

“Earlier, I… Uhm, shit,” Ellie squeezed her eyes shut, wishing she could just spit it out. “Thanks, I just—I couldn’t fucking think and I—”

Abby wet her lips and whispered, “Don’t mention it.”

Ellie’s stomach somersaulted at the sight and the sound of Abby and she hated herself for it. It wasn’t until a second later that Ellie realized Abby genuinely meant it.

They fixated on each other.

“I don’t want to die in this goddamn city.” Abby admitted, squeezing her eyes shut, drawing in a shuddering breath.

Ellie wanted to reach for her, push the strands of blonde hair from her face, but she crushed the urge down and said nothing.

×

Abby woke up and got busy. She carried the pails of rainwater in one at a time. She barely made Ellie stir. Abby made quick work of the gas stove in the kitchen, using a match to ignite it. She transferred the rain water into a large pot and occupied herself in the mean time.

Abby quietly went through her old belongings in the bedroom, pulling out personal hygiene items such as the WLF’s pine soap, bottles of homemade shampoo and conditioners, the likes. She pulled out an old shirt and held it up to her body in the mirror, frowning and letting out a defeated sigh.

Damn it…

The hair pricked up on the back of her neck and she turned her head and saw Ellie staring at her from the bed.

“Didn’t mean to wake you up, I…” Abby whispered. “I have some bath stuff here if you wanna…”

“Yeah, you go first,” Ellie whispered back.

Abby nodded and later, found herself scrubbing herself raw in the bathtub. She could still feel the Wolf’s hands on her and she could never explain it, but no matter how hard she scrubbed, she still felt dirty. She went through the motions, trying to not think of anything but the present.

She poured the warm water onto herself from head to toe, careful to not set herself off, but she still flinched when the water hit her face. Abby wrung her hair out and scrunched it in an old towel until it was just shyly damp and decided to air dry the rest of herself.

She set out Ellie’s bath supplies along with a red towel and walked back down the small hallway.

Ellie sat on the bed, smoothing a hand across the top of her hair. She looked up as Abby walked into the bedroom, bare and bruised skin.

Ellie inhaled. You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Ellie almost wished they were back in their cages. Impending torture and death had its way of distracting Ellie from the problem that Abby had unknowingly become. Her mind jumped between Dina and Abby and all she could think was, My life is a sick joke.

The blonde got distracted by her body in the mirror again, biting her lip and stepping closer to the mirror. Her hand squeezed her bicep and she dragged her fingers along her newest scar, shaking her head slowly.

She’s insecure, Ellie thought, looking away before Abby could notice her. Letting go of Abby was the first step in realizing her humanity and every second spent with her thereafter just peeled back layer after layer of who she really was.

She’s just… a girl. Ellie thought, watching Abby dissect her body in the mirror.

Ellie bit her lip, looking at her hands and honing in on the Hasma bracelet, desperately trying to reason with herself. And a threat.

“Your water’s ready,” Abby whispered, turning away from the mirror and dragging Ellie out of her thoughts.

Ellie didn’t look at Abby, just got up and went to the bathroom. She shut the door behind her and leaned against it and panted softly.

What the fuck?

It was hitting her all at once and her right hand trembled. She held it up, looking at where the black ink reached towards her hand. She looked at the bracelet again. Dina.

Ellie breathed in deeply.

She blew it through her mouth. One.

Another deep inhale, staring at her shaking hand. She blew it out. Two.

She sucked down a shuddering breath and clenched her fist.

She exhaled and released her fist, stopping the tremors. Three.  

She recalled Abby making the decision to protect her. After everything, why would she want to protect me? She could’ve thrown me to the fucking Wolves…. Literally.

She thought of the moment where she let go of Abby with a cry of anguish, the way she lurched away from her and coughed up seawater and the way she set off in the boat and turned to look at her for what they both thought would be the last time.

Maybe she feels like she owes me. She thought of Abby’s sharp answer back in Salt Lake City.

Ellie thought back, Abby’s words ringing loud and clear. “Guilt sent me.”

Ellie looked at her hands, her eyes honing in on her amputated fingers.

She remembered staggering over, picking up the rifle on the floor of the hospital. The Stalker holding the woman’s head down as she struggled and it was only when she saw the long braid of gold that Ellie knew who was about to be dinner for the Infected. She remembered raising the gun as she heard Abby's whimper, colored with pure fear.

If we make it out of Seattle alive, I’ll tell her how fucking dizzy I was when I took that shot. Ellie let out a soft laugh, smirking. Pure luck.

She mulled over Salt Lake City, remembering Abby’s eyes, swollen from crying after Ellie finished her song. “Do you know another one?” Then how quickly she dismissed it. I sang for her anyway.

Ellie saw the steaming water in the bucket and walked over, testing it with her finger. She spotted the supplies Abby left for her. She picked each item up, pausing at the bar of soap.

Pine, Ellie thought and the previous moment played back before Ellie’s eyes, Abby walking into the room with damp, blonde hair that hovered just above her waist. She reeked of it.

Her skin marred by purple, blue, and yellow bruises all in various stages of healing and her scars, Ellie could pick out which ones she was responsible for, and there was the last one, the one that anybody would get lost in, violent red and singed into her skin on the right side.

Abby was nothing but a sharp edge and Ellie suffered. She wanted Abby to rip her open. She already did.

Ellie peeled off her clothes, biting the inside of her cheek.

Abby. Ellie tried not to think about it as she got into the bathtub and drenched herself in it. She started to lather the rag and drag it along her skin, but her mind wandered back to Abby’s body as the smell of pine surrounded her.

She saw the space between her neck and her shoulder and her breasts, filled out once more from the muscle decay, the way the cold air made her nipples hard, down to her carved stomach and further down, to somewhere so unfathomable to Ellie.

She’s… golden.

Ellie poured the warm water over herself, gasping as she felt that familiar ache.

Shit, Ellie thought, the shame mixing with the ache. I thought… I thought…

Her thoughts wandered back to the store. Who did she pick that up for?

Jealousy hurt like the end of a knife, driving deep into her heart, she almost gasped.

She probably isn’t even… Ellie lathered herself all over, thinking of Abby talking about the rumor. But she didn’t deny it.

She worked the shampoo into her hair. It’s not something you can fucking deny, maybe something you can keep from other people.

Joel came into mind and her heart sunk like a glimmering treasure, rotting at the bottom of the ocean. Up until that night, Joel was under a different impression.

What would he even fucking think?

She shuddered and sat in the tub, drawing her legs into her chest. Maybe I’m fucking crazy.

But just as it was Joel who motivated her to kill Abby, he was all of the reason as to why she let Abby go.

She thought of Abby’s words from the night before. “I don’t want to die in this goddamn city.”

And if she never said anything, she knew Abby would never know.

Maybe we’ll both die in this goddamn city.

The thought of never speaking it made Ellie want to sob, but she crushed it down.

Just another fucking secret!

She stretched out her arm, looking at her tattoo. She knew what it was like to keep a secret, one that if it ever got out to the wrong person, it would change her life or threaten it.

It doesn’t matter, Ellie thought. It’s been burned away and covered up with ink, but it’s still there. Underneath my fucking skin. Just like Abby.

She honed in on the moth with its large wings, etched into her skin by Cat. Like a moth to a flame, right?

She scoffed. Life is so fucking cruel.

You can’t help who you love, Ellie thought and she knew it better than anybody. She stood and nearly dropped the bucket of water, just a shot above lukewarm, as Abby softly knocked on the door.

“You okay?” The blonde crossed her arms on the other side of the door, tilting her head.

Ellie swallowed and called back, her voice betraying every word. “Yeah, I’m good, just finishing up.”

Abby reached for the doorknob and stopped herself, thinking better of it. She walked towards the bedroom, pausing again and glancing over her shoulder.

Ellie poured the water over her head, wishing it could rinse away everything she felt towards Abby, but she knew it wouldn’t.

She watched the water get sucked down the drain. Where does it go from here? Where do I go from here?

×

Abby was sitting with her legs folded over each other in front of the mirror when Ellie came out of the bathroom. She saw Ellie freeze like a deer caught in the wrong place at the wrong time in the reflection of the mirror and she almost froze as well, but she continued her braid.

Abby looked to the right and listened as her fingers wrapped her hair into something much more bearable. She heard Ellie going through her bag and sliding into her clothes, not short of cursing.

Nobody’s normal after that shit almost happens to you. Abby thought it could work the same for death. She was never the same after nearly dying. It felt like she was stripping of her skin entirely and she knew it better herself. She was raw at times, so raw that she couldn’t let herself be touched.

Michael. Abby sighed as she drew her braid over her shoulder, wrapping the rubber band from her wrist around the tail end of her braid. She thought everything was her fault, she countered every argument with herself with the if’s, the but’s and the should’ve’s.

I don’t want to think about it. He probably thinks I’m dead anyway.

She picked up her hair brush, picking the hair out of it with her fingers and rubbing her forefinger and thumb together to discard the hair onto the floor.

She looked at Ellie, biting her lip. They both indefinitely looked better after a bath, but Ellie moved awkwardly with her long hair. Abby thought she was trying to avoid it.

“Yo…” Abby smacked the back of the brush against her palm, biting her lip.

Ellie looked up with that same deer-like stare, wide-eyed, she was half-way into a black tank top.  

“You want me to get your hair out of the way?” Abby tilted her head towards her right shoulder and Ellie swallowed. The body language was inviting.

“Yeah, if it’s not too much,” Ellie said slowly, trying to slide around a stutter.

Abby gestured for Ellie to come with her hand, curling her finger lazily.

Fuck. I should’ve said no, Ellie thought.  She slid the tank top over her chest. Her body betrayed her mind and she walked over to Abby, her eyes hesitating on her face.

Abby gestured at the bed, her face unreadable. Ellie sat on the edge and Abby climbed around her and Ellie inhaled the smell of pine mixed with the perfume Abby naturally held.

She felt Abby’s fingers, gentle but dangerous in the right circumstances, parting her hair. Ellie sighed quietly. Abby divided her hair into halves, the bottom and the top.

Abby picked up the brush, warning Ellie. “Might be a little uncomfortable.”

“Okay,” Ellie whispered.

Abby brushed through Ellie’s hair carefully, knowing that brushing her own hair after this ordeal almost had her wanting to chop it to her neck. She knew that Ellie would probably do the same once back in Jackson.

“Ow, Abby, motherfucking—!” Ellie hissed, flinching away from her.

But Abby’s voice was as soft as it was back in Salt Lake City. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “Just hold on.”

Abby worked out the nasty tangle with her fingers, wishing she had warned Ellie to finger comb while they were being held captive. She thought she’d seen her watching her do it a few times and maybe she’d catch on, but she didn’t.

Eventually, Abby got through all of Ellie’s hair, but not without Ellie’s mouth spitting out interesting combinations of curse words Abby hadn’t ever thought of putting together. Ellie had even asked if Abby had scissors and Abby’s disapproving answer only made Ellie more expressive in the most profane way.

“‘Kay, you’re almost done,” Abby whispered, picking up three strands from the left side of Ellie’s head, carefully leaving out Ellie’s long bangs. Abby adjusted her sitting, favoring to sit on her knees and just a ways towards Ellie’s right.

Ellie breathed in. Fucking Abby. Abby of all people.

She started to braid the same way as she did before, towards Ellie’s right shoulder, but centering the braid in the middle, tucking strands under each other.

Ellie closed her eyes and tried to ignore tender Abby could be with her hands, the way her knuckles brushed against her scalp and the way she would gently pull to get it tight.

I can’t go on like this. Shit, I wish she never came after me. Ellie found herself mulling over the past and she clenched her jaw as Guilt choked her.

I should be dead, she thought. Why couldn’t he just leave me in that fucking hospital and go on?

Ellie thought of Joel’s face, struck with surprise as she walked up on the patio. She heard his words, “If somehow the Lord gave me a second chance at that moment—”

She imagined being in the room from the outside looking in. Joel aiming his revolver at Jerry’s head, pulling the trigger as she’d seen him do hundreds of times before. Joel rushed over to her younger self, picking her up in his arms while she was gone to the world. She imagined what he would say.

“Ellie, we’re going home,” Joel murmured to her.

No, that’s not right.

“Wake up, Ellie,” Joel whispered, cradling her in his arms.

No, they gave me medicine…

“I got you,” Abby whispered, picking Lev’s weak body up from the sand. “I got you.”

She saw him approaching the table. She gasped as a shiver ran down her spine, just imagining how Joel would say it.

“I gotcha,” Joel whispered, scooping her small body into his arms. “I gotcha.”

Abby’s hand shook her left shoulder and Ellie inhaled, the floor coming into focus as she realized Abby was no longer behind her. She raised her head.

“You daydreaming?” Abby’s blue eyes were soft like the sky at dusk.

“Sorry,” Ellie mumbled, looking away.

“I have to get your stitches out,” Abby whispered.

×

She bandaged Ellie up and washed her hands, sanitizing them with some alcohol and disappeared off to the kitchen. Abby returned and threw her some snacks she’d kept in the cabinet.

Abby lingered at the door, looking at her feet and Ellie squinted at her.

Before Ellie could ask, Abby spoke. “I’m gonna make sure the truck’s running.”

Ellie only nodded and laid down, drifting off into a nap and when she woke up, Abby still wasn’t back in the room. She threw her legs off the bed and walked towards the door, hesitating.

On the other side, Abby closed the hood of the car and pulled the map out of her pocket and took the pen from behind her ear. This is as good as it’s gonna get.

She smoothed the folded map out and started to mark the map with the pen. She heard the door open, heard Ellie’s quiet footsteps approaching her from behind, but she didn’t move. She continued to mark the map, slightly shaking her head to ward off the dread.

A hundred and twenty seconds went by according to Abby’s count and Abby could feel Ellie’s eyes drilling two holes into the back of her skull.

Abby put the pen down, turned and threw the key. Ellie caught it, stunned. She glanced down at the key, then Abby.

“What the fuck, Abby?” Ellie asked. “Why the fuck did you take me out here?”

Abby couldn’t look at her and she stared at the concrete. “Follow Route 90. It’s still in tact for the most part because they closed it down when the Outbreak started. Go back East towards Wyoming. Don’t fucking stop for anybody or anything.”

Ellie paused and glanced down at her trembling right hand, the keys clutched in her fingers.

“Get in the fucking truck, Abby,” she whispered, her blood simmered in her veins.

Abby turned to Ellie, leaning against the car. She stared at the ground, listening to the rain starting to fall.

Abby raised her steel blue eyes to Ellie. “I have to finish it.”

With Abby’s words, Ellie's heart skipped a beat and she remembered those same words spilling off her lips to Dina. Ellie reeled, trying to grasp at words to reply. Abby was avoiding her gaze, her bottom lip held hostage by her teeth.

“No, Abby!” Ellie hissed. “Either we finish it and go home or we go home, that’s the fucking deal!”

“Ellie—” Abby pinched the bridge of her nose and inhaled sharply.

“No!” Ellie barked and Abby looked up, her eyes like glaciers.

“This is my goddamn city, I know it better than you and you’re going fucking home, Ellie!” Abby yelled.

“Fuck that and fuck you, Abby!” Ellie advanced on Abby and shoved her into the car, watching the anger flare in her eyes.

“Don’t put your fucking hands on me!” Abby shoved her back and Ellie staggered for balance. She stared at Ellie, green eyes burning like a chemical fire.

“This isn’t fucking Santa Barbara!” Abby squeezed her hands into fists.

“You scared I’m gonna fuck you up again?” Ellie laughed coldly.

“In your fucking dreams!” Abby spat and stalked back through the door to the apartment. She closed it behind her with a slam.

Ellie dropped the key on the concrete and followed behind Abby, throwing the door open.

Abby scoffed under her breath, refusing to look in her direction as she stood over the bed. “Not done yet?”

Ellie lunged at Abby with a growl and slammed her against the wall. Abby pushed her back, only giving her so much distance between them. Ellie seethed with every breath and the two women collided again, Abby tackling her to the floor, trying to pin her arms down, jerking her head away when Ellie swung.

Abby pressed Ellie’s head down against the floor, pinning her wrist with the other hand and Ellie opened her mouth and bit her finger, not hard enough to draw blood, but hard enough that Abby got the warning and she recoiled, scrambling away and whispering, “Fuck!”

“Doesn’t feel so good, does it?” Ellie taunted, getting to her feet. Abby glanced up at her as she got on her feet, her face flushed with anger. It was clear her tolerance was gone.

Abby lunged at Ellie and Ellie grabbed her forearms. They were equal in strength, baring their teeth and growling at each other as they played tug of war. Ellie kicked at Abby’s shins and she side-stepped it. Ellie let go of Abby's arm and punched her in the face as hard as she could. Abby yelped and lost her balance, her ears ringing as she fell onto the bed. She scrambled backwards further onto the bed, shaking her head back and forth. The room was spinning.

Ellie sauntered over, clambering on top of Abby and straddling her, she shoved her down by her shoulders against the bed and Abby gasped, remembering what it was like to drown. Ellie pinned her wrists, squeezing hard.

“No!” Ellie snapped.

Abby breathed hard, in and out through her teeth. She searched Ellie’s eyes and seeing nothing but her pupils swallowing the green of them whole.

Ellie squeezed her wrists again and Abby panted, trying to think, trying to say something, but she couldn’t.

“No...” Ellie whispered, her eyes like fire. “I won’t…”

Abby stared back, blinking as Ellie came into a greater focus.

“You… You can’t...” Ellie struggled to get the words out. Her stomach flipped and she wished she could vomit every thought that she forced back down.

“I can’t fucking what?” Abby blurted out.

“You can’t fucking leave me!” Ellie choked out. Abby breathed out, her eyes scanning Ellie’s face.

What the fuck?

And Ellie stared at Abby’s face, the scars crossing into each other under her left eye to her flushed lips. Resentment coiled inside her like a snake.

“You…” Ellie whispered, staring into Abby’s ocean blue eyes. “It’s fucking you.”

Ellie gasped softly, leaned in and pressed her mouth to hers hungrily.

Abby’s eyes opened wider in shock and Ellie’s warm hands departed her wrists to cradle her face.

Ellie broke the kiss, her mouth hovering above Abby’s mouth.

“Please,” she begged softly, looking into Abby’s stunned eyes. “Please just let me fucking have you.”

Ellie pressed her mouth back to Abby’s mouth and the blonde tilted her head ever so slightly and a shiver crawled back down her spine as she heard the guttural humming from the back of Ellie’s throat.

We shouldn’t…

Ellie sucked on Abby’s bottom lip, keeping everything slow and steady. Deep inhales through her nose followed by Ellie’s teeth, biting down on Abby’s lip, once, twice, imploring Abby to open her mouth and let her inside.

What the fuck am I doing?

Abby’s lips parted and Ellie pulled away, the air being pulled between her lips with a soft moan. Ellie pressed her mouth back to Abby’s warm mouth, sliding her tongue inside, slow and firm against Abby’s tongue.

A solar flare burst inside of Abby, Fuck, I…

Abby panted as Ellie broke the kiss, gasping softly as Ellie’s tattooed hand gently gripped the beginning of her braid, the other twisting the sheet as she pulled Abby’s head back against the pillow, exposing her neck. Ellie left a trail of kisses against Abby’s jaw, pressing her lips firmly below her ear where her pulse raced beneath the skin.

It’s too late.

Abby’s eyes opened and closed twice, each time she saw the window on the ceiling, the rain whipping against the glass and sliding down in one layer. A thought on the edge of forming was wiped clean by Ellie’s lips sucking the soft and scarred skin of Abby’s neck into her mouth, teeth pinching gently and the renegade gasped.

“Tell me to stop, Abby,” Ellie’s voice came through ragged, serrated and begging, but Abby’s hands reached for her, finding solace on her hips, thumbs sliding against the bone above Ellie’s jeans. It earned her a shuddering sigh from Ellie and her hips rocked in one smooth motion and the seam of Abby’s jeans dragged just right, the friction made her ache.

Ellie’s lips hovered above Abby’s lips and her hand tilted her chin. She stared at her lips and her moss green eyes flickered up to Abby’s storming blue eyes.

Their lips collided again and Abby sighed, opening her mouth. Her hips snapped off the bed as Ellie sucked her tongue slowly and firmly. One of Abby’s hands found itself in Ellie’s auburn hair and the other squeezed her waist, bunching up the black cotton of her tank top.

Ellie sat up and grabbed the hem of her black tank top and pulled upwards and Abby’s eyes followed the expanse of purple and blue skin, her tender hands sliding up Ellie's stomach, over her ribs, hesitating before her breasts as her breath caught in her throat at the sight of hardened pink nipples.

Abby wanted to touch, but Ellie made her next move quickly.

Ellie leaned over Abby, leveraged herself with her hands, and rocked her hips against Abby’s hips again, a desperate sigh slipping through her swollen lips.

Abby was lightning, dangerous and capable of burning someone from the inside out, but Ellie didn’t care. She would be the moth, chasing after the light that burns everything she touches.

Ellie kissed Abby like she had nothing to lose and it made Abby gasp after every kiss. Ellie would pull away and Abby would push in the same way the waves did with the shore. Abby eroded her, took pieces of her and Ellie wanted it all back. They traded soft, wet and eager kisses that walked the line, teetering onto hard and forcible.

Ellie pulled back, licking her lips and Abby tilted her head and dropped her jaw so slightly.

“You want more?” Ellie asked, tracing Abby’s swollen lips with her thumb.

“Mmm-hmm,” Abby hummed greedily.

Fuck. Ellie sighed, relishing in the need that dripped from Abby’s words like sweet sap from a tree.

“Who am I to deny you?” Ellie whispered, leaning down and kissing her deeply. Abby kissed back, showing her strength and pulling Ellie’s hips down against hers. Ellie gasped, pain intertwining with pleasure and wondered if Abby was as wet as she was.

Ellie dragged her mouth against Abby’s throat and Abby craned her neck. Ellie bit down and a gasp passed through Abby’s lips. Ellie’s hands pushed Abby’s shirt up towards her breasts. Abby looked up towards the ceiling, the rain whipped against the window with no signs of letting up as tender kisses were placed against her jaw.

“Wait,” Abby breathed, feeling Ellie’s teeth grazing against her neck and her palm dragging down her stomach. Abby arched into the touch, but she whispered it again, breathlessly. “Wait.”

Ellie pulled away and pressed her forehead to Abby’s forehead, intertwining her fingers with Abby's fingers. Ellie squeezed and Abby squeezed back, panting.

“You can tell me to stop, Abby,” Ellie whispered, watching the mixed emotions blend into each other on her face. “Just say it.”

Abby bit her lip and looked away, shutting her eyes.

She’s ashamed, Ellie swallowed and started to pull away entirely. Fuck, I'm—

Abby reached out and snatched her tattooed forearm. “Don’t fucking move, just…” She panted. “Just give me a minute, Ellie.”

Ellie pressed her forehead to Abby’s forehead again and Abby intertwined their fingers this time. She squeezed, catching her breath, eyes still closed.

She breathed out and Ellie breathed in.

“I…” Abby started, her freckled cheeks pink as if Ellie applied watercolor to them with a brush. “I… Fucking hell!”

“You…?” Ellie urged softly, her feline green eyes gazing into Abby’s.

“I don’t know how to do this with a…” Abby trailed off.

“A woman,” Ellie finished, lifting her eyebrows.

Abby nodded, her face completely red. "Yeah.”

“It’s not rocket science,” Ellie whispered, lifting her brow.

Abby bit her lip again, her eyes flickering up to the scar through Ellie’s right eyebrow. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.” Ellie whispered.

Ellie pressed her lips to hers, sucking on her bottom lip. She pulled away as Abby leaned in again. Abby’s blue eyes softened and Ellie knew this was the closest to a pout she would ever get and there was that familiar ache, so far below.

“Just follow my lead,” Ellie whispered, her voice rough and ragged.

Abby reared up and Ellie took off her shirt and pushed her back down. Abby gasped and Ellie dragged her fingernails along the skin of Abby’s breasts, watching her face flush as she squirmed.

“Yeah,” Ellie whispered, her eyes flickering up to Abby’s heavy-lidded eyes. “That’s right.”

Ellie leaned down and dragged her lips against Abby’s neck, biting down and groaning. Abby echoed her, a soft moan followed by something more drawn out and primal. Abby gripped Ellie’s forearms, digging her nails in.

Ellie dragged open-mouthed kisses down Abby’s neck and with each kiss, Abby breathed in, a soft high note sounding off with each breath.

Ellie teased Abby’s nipple with the tip of her tongue, watching Abby close her eyes and the warmth below surged as Abby whimpered.

Ellie sighed. That’s music.

“Sensitive?” Ellie asked, her pupils dilated like a cat that finally got the cream. She paused to flick her tongue slowly over Abby’s nipple, watching it harden even more. Abby’s gasp answered for Ellie.

She used her hands, dragging her fingernails down Abby’s sides and sliding them back up as she switched to Abby’s other nipple. She squeezed Abby’s breasts gently and smirked, deciding that teasing just wasn’t enough. She sucked Abby’s nipple and swirled her tongue, and the noise that escaped from Abby’s mouth made Ellie’s pussy start to throb.

“Fuck…” Abby whispered, her voice teetering on the edge of desperation.

Ellie repeated on the other side, increasing the suction and listened as Abby’s breath hitched.

“Fuck!” Abby cried out.

Ellie pulled away and retreated back between Abby’s legs. She unzipped the zipper to her jeans, looking from her eyes back to her jeans.

She laughed, reading the secret stitched on the inside. “Yeah, lucky me.”

Abby threw her head back against the pillow, biting her lip and failing to stifle a groan. Ellie pulled at her jeans, dragging them down. Abby hissed and Ellie nearly paused, but she nodded at her eagerly.

“Just… just go,” Abby whispered.

She sounds like she’s begging, Ellie thought.

Ellie removed Abby’s jeans, tossing them to the side of the bed. She pressed her body to Abby’s body and kissed her again, dragging her palm down against the renegade’s firm stomach, sighing at the reward Abby earned. She almost wondered what it would be like to have Abby’s arms from before, wrapped around her and pressed her lips to her neck, glad she spilled the blood of every Rattler that crossed her path.

Abby arched her back the closer Ellie’s fingers got and Ellie pressed her hand back down right on the soft skin between Abby’s hip bones, pushing Abby back into the bed. The skin of Abby’s neck was pinched between careful teeth, punishing Abby.

“Not yet.” Ellie whispered into her ear.

If Ellie had any sliver of sanity left, it was gone because Abby whined back, soft and pleading.

Ellie threw her leg over Abby’s thigh and grinded against her, pressing her thigh between Abby’s legs, pulling her hips up with careful hands. She felt the heat through her denim and hummed against Abby’s neck with every deliberate move, falling into a rhythm that made both women trade moans.

Ellie kept it up for minutes on minutes, dragging her fingernails across Abby’s breast and stomach as she eased her body against hers slowly. To Abby, this was a different kind of torture like nothing she’d ever known.

Abby hummed and sighed with Ellie’s every move, keeping her hands on her hips. Abby raised her hips, sliding herself against her thigh. Ellie leaned and gripped Abby’s shoulder and her hips gave more pressure.

Abby panted, the pleasure was unforgiving. She kept pushing back and Ellie kissed the sweet, bruised skin below her ear, whispering, “I’m dying to know what you taste like, Abby...”

“Then find out and die, Ellie!” Abby shot back as quick as she would pull a trigger and Ellie shuddered on top of her, gasping, bearing down harder, making Abby’s legs shake.

Ellie smirked and just after a deep, hungry inhale, she sucked on Abby’s ear lobe and was rewarded with a full-body shiver from the blonde. “Close already?”

“Shut the fuck up,” Abby moaned. “Just shut up, Ellie,” Abby’s hips bucked up twice with a pained whimper and a soft laugh slipped off Ellie’s tongue.

“You gonna make me?” Ellie’s lips lingered against Abby’s ear.

Abby breathed out a thinly veined threat. “Maybe.”

Ellie decided that it was enough and Abby shot her a dangerous look as the spitfire pulled away.

Ellie paid her no mind and pulled Abby’s panties off, working them down her long legs. She sighed, inhaling the pinnacle of Abby’s perfume. She spread her legs with firm, practiced hands. Her eyes soaked up the entirety of Abby.

“God,” Ellie choked out and shivers ran up and down Abby’s spine.

Ellie dragged her two fingertips against Abby’s wet, pink folds in one smooth motion and smirked as Abby’s hips gave chase. There it was again, the wild look in Abby’s eyes.

“Fucking soaked.” Ellie whispered, holding her hand up and stretching her two slick fingers apart, the clear, stretchy fluid bending between the two digits, watching with complete fascination.

“Fuck, Ellie,” Abby pleaded, looking away, the heat of embarrassment mixing in with desire. Abby almost couldn’t believe it was her own voice making these noises. She felt reduced and all the same, transformed.

Ellie alternated kisses on the inside of Abby’s thighs as her hands smoothed against the outside of her thighs.

Ellie pushed her thighs forward with her shoulders, folded her arms over Abby’s hips, holding locking her in place.

Abby glanced up window on the ceiling, feeling Ellie’s breath on the most intimate part of her. Her heart pounded in her chest as the rain pounded against the glass. Her smoky blue eyes fell back on Ellie and there was the smallest of gasps as Ellie leaned down closer, her eyes half-lidded.

Ellie slowly licked Abby’s pussy from the bottom to the top and Abby’s eyes dilated, a gasp slipping off her tongue.

She repeated, but so much slower with a firmer tongue and Abby’s hips tried to follow, but Ellie held her still.

Ellie grinned as Abby leaned back on her elbows, her head tilted, swollen lips parted and her Pacific blue eyes completely fixated on Ellie.

“You taste so fucking good, Abby,” Ellie told her, watching her glance away, pressing her hand to her mouth.

Ellie looked down and spotted the half-hidden pink pearl she felt on her tongue, adorned by wet gold. She shook her head, feeling herself throb.

She enclosed her mouth around it, knowing that Abby could trust her with this treasure. She went slow, her tongue like the finest of paint brushes, painting circles on circles, perfect circles between Abby’s legs.

Abby’s foot slid up and she gripped the blue sheets and Ellie held her tight, focused on a masterpiece. Ellie reversed the circles and held back a smile, hearing Abby’s voice break from a gasp into a moan.

“You like that?” Ellie whispered and Abby answered with a shivering moan and Ellie held Abby steady as she squirmed and tossed her head back against the pillow, holding her hand to her mouth, muffling her cry.

Ellie continued, her tongue sliding against Abby’s clit, and between that, short, quick flicks of her warm tongue. It forced Abby to cry out again and again and again. Ellie stoked the fire in Abby’s core and Abby burned.

“Oh, my fucking—” Abby hissed, breaking off into a tight lipped hum. She rolled her hips against Ellie’s mouth. She gripped the headboard with one hand and in her other fist was the sheets. Her face and chest flushed, panting like she was running a mile.

Ellie surfaced for air, Abby’s essence all over her lips and chin.

She whispered, “Yeah, that’s what I want,” and the arrogance forced a shudder from Abby’s body.

Ellie changed the pace and sucked slowly, tugging ever so gently and hummed as Abby crashed back into the bed. She listened to Abby’s breathing break like waves into soft moans, over and over and over.

“Fuck!” Abby shouted as Ellie slowly started to flick her tongue with a focus. Ellie moaned back, feeling Abby’s thighs tremble against her shoulders.

Abby’s hips started to buck into Ellie’s mouth with a tell-tale rhythm, her panting becoming more labored with each breath. She arched her back, groaning as she felt the muscles in her lower stomach and thighs tense up, once, twice, a third time.

Ellie sighed, pulling away with a firm suck and Abby’s hips gave chase. She pushed her back down with her forearms and Abby gripped the tattooed one, her blue eyes glazed over as Ellie dove back in, slower and Abby felt like she was hanging on the edge of bliss.

“Fucking sh—” Abby moaned and she broke off mid-sentence, panting hard. Ellie’s tongue fluttered against her clit and Ellie’s eyes watched the blonde carefully, the emotion on her face blending between bliss and agony.

“Fuck, Ellie, I think—I think—Oh,” Abby broke off in a moan and Ellie echoed it from between her legs. Her thighs shook terribly against Ellie’s shoulders.

Abby’s toes curled and her breathing picked up. She fought to hold back and lost miserably, bracing herself on her elbows. Then Abby felt it, her head fell back and the tension in her body released like a rubber band finally snapping. Her hips rocked back and forth against Ellie’s mouth as the feeling of her orgasm ebbed and flowed, a strained moan through her teeth.

Abby gasped for air as Ellie eased her back to shore.

It was Ellie’s palm sliding against Abby’s stomach, her other arm lazily draped over the blonde’s stomach. Ellie felt the muscles tense and relax underneath her calloused fingertips as Abby panted. Ellie slowed down, her tongue lazily sliding through Abby’s folds, savoring her like she was licking the remnants of dessert from a bowl.

Ellie’s soft, dark auburn hair tickled the inside of Abby’s thigh where she rested her head, panting softly. She  ached at Abby’s every breath.

“You’re dangerous.” Abby whispered, breathless.

Ellie crawled on top of Abby, dragging her lips against Abby’s lips as she spoke softly. Abby’s eyes raked over Ellie's freckled, smug face.

“Tell me something I don’t know,” whispered Ellie, grinning.

Abby gripped Ellie by her waist and rolled them over, a laugh slipping off her lips as Ellie gasped. Abby was on top with Ellie’s legs around her waist. She fixated on Ellie’s feline green eyes, pressing her body against hers gently.

Abby pressed her lips to her ear and Ellie’s mouth opened as Abby’s braid nestled against her chest.

Abby breathed, “I’m dangerous, too.”

Ellie clenched her jaw and a quivering breath slid through her teeth. She felt Abby’s lips smile against her ear at the sound.

It was Abby’s lips giving back what Ellie gave to her, hungry open-mouthed kisses against her neck, dragging down over her breasts. Abby’s mouth encircled one of her nipples and sucked softly, a laugh in the back of her throat as Ellie arched into the touch.

Abby’s fingertips trailed down her stomach and Ellie moaned, “Abby, fucking just—”

Abby’s tongue circled around her nipple and she let go, watching Ellie’s eyes close. “You’re impatient.”

Abby scoffed and kept Ellie waiting, listening to the woman hum almost painfully as her mouth sucked eagerly at her other nipple.

“Abby,” Ellie begged. Abby bit down and Ellie gasped, “Fuck!”

More drawling kisses down Ellie’s bruised stomach and Abby stole glances at Ellie between every single one. Ellie's face was like sweet agony, her body yearning for everything Abby wanted to give her.

I never felt so… wanted, Abby thought, her fingers digging into Ellie’s hips.

Abby’s fingers unbuttoned her jeans and pulled the zipper slowly down and Ellie moaned. Abby pulled the jeans down carefully, noting the purpled skin on the outside of Ellie’s thighs. She cast them off to the side of the bed and she worked Ellie’s black boyshorts down, her stomach flipping with a slight nervousness blending with need.

Abby’s mouth hovered above Ellie’s pussy and Ellie panted in anticipation. Abby’s mouth crashed into her, like waves against the shore.

Ellie’s head fell back against the pillow and her vision blurred as she watched the rain whip against the window.  Abby slid her tongue through Ellie’s wet folds, listening to Ellie draw in breaths through her teeth. Ellie ached and it was Abby’s firm hands, forcing her legs apart when they almost squeezed together.

She tastes like…

“Oh, fuck,” Ellie whispered, her eyes closing as Abby sucked her clit, her hips twitching as pleasure started to take her over. Abby’s fingers dug into her thighs and she moaned, “Abby!”

Abby worked slow and steady, but Ellie felt like she was sinking. There was no Wolves, no Seraphites, no Seattle, no blood-stained hands, no blind rage, just this moment.

Abby slid a finger into Ellie without hesitation and Ellie gasped, her hips rising as Abby gently sucked on her clit.

She’s so warm…

“Abby,” Ellie moaned. “You’re so fucking—”

Abby’s finger began to move inside and out almost carefully and Ellie’s breathing picked up. Abby’s eyes flickered up to Ellie’s face as she felt Ellie’s walls seize around her fingers, a soft grunt tumbling from the back of her throat.

Ellie reached down and her fingers slid into the beginning of Abby’s braid at the back of her head, sighing at the warm of Abby’s mouth, devouring her entirely.

Abby focused, feeling Ellie squeeze around her finger again, she withdrew and gasped for air, glancing down at Ellie’s wet, sweet sticky nectar, trailing from her finger.

“Goddamn!” Abby whispered, sliding two fingers into Ellie as she leaned down and swirled her tongue against her clit.

Ellie craned her neck back against the pillow, her gasp octaves higher as Abby’s fingers slipped inside her, stretching her out. She winced at the stretch, but this pain was pleasure at its rawest and Ellie savored it all.

“Abby,” Ellie breathed, their eyes locked on each other. Ellie rocked her hips in need and Abby welcomed it, following the rhythm, listening to the sweet sounds of skin to mouth and the quickening of Ellie’s breath, the desperation in her voice, it was vulnerability without the blood, the rage and devastation.

Such vulnerability was a gift.

“Come on, Abby,” her voice was high and reminding Abby of the color red, all desperation, “I’m so fucking close, just—” Ellie clasped her hand over her mouth, her head back against the pillow, stifling the moan she thought would become a scream. It felt as if something warm was wound in Ellie’s core and as Abby ate her out and fucked her slow, it was becoming tighter and tighter.

Ellie panted, her eyes blurry with tears. “Don’t you fucking stop!”

Abby didn’t stop and hummed, her fingers working inside Ellie at a steady pace.

“Fuck—” Ellie panted harder. Ellie had curled up, her legs seizing around Abby’s head.

Ellie moaned and it made the hair on Abby’s arms stand up.

“Abby, I’m gonna fucking cum,” Ellie breathed out, then her breath hitched on an inhale, her mouth opened.

Ellie felt the pressure in her core unwind, flooding her body with heat. Ellie seized Abby by her hair with both hands, her hips jerking as her eyes rolled back into her head, melodic moans on the edge of a scream with every breath, once, twice, a third time, a fourth and a fifth.

Ellie fell back into the bed, Abby’s hair being freed from her fist and they both chased air.

Abby removed her fingers and dragged herself on top of Ellie, feeling her body shudder against her with every aftershock. Abby pulled her close and tucked her face into her neck, inhaling shakily.

“You came...” Abby whispered, her voice light in disbelief.

“No shit, Sherlock.” Ellie hissed, panting as her body shuddered. She felt Abby’s lips stretch into a cocky smirk at her neck and shivered again.

Abby paced a soft kiss on the sensitive skin below Ellie’s ear. “Go to sleep, brat.”

And they passed out, tangled up in each other the same way they were tangled up in each other’s lives like two strings eventually pulling tight together to form a knot that could never be untangled.

×

Ellie moaned softly into the pillow and her hand reached for Abby. She jolted up, eyes wide and looked at the empty, creased spot where Abby fell asleep next to her.

What?

She clutched the comforter to her chest, glancing around the room. Her heart started to pound in her chest and she couldn’t call for Abby, her voice locked away in her throat. She threw the blanket away from her and staggered out of the bed. She pulled on her clothes hurriedly, eyes darting around the room.

Her shit is gone.

Not knowing what to think, she stumbled out of the small apartment, seeing the Humvee still there. Her eyes honed in on the hood of the car. She could see Abby’s shotgun laying on the top of the car from the doorway.

She walked closer and saw the marked up map, an extra piece of paper, weighed down by the key and two boxes of ammo.

Ellie drew in a shivering breath. Unbridled grief and rage split her down the middle as she pushed aside the key and the ammo. Her right hand trembled as she picked up the letter.

Go home,

           —Abby

The paper slipped out of Ellie’s shaking hand and floated to the floor. Ellie swallowed and she closed her eyes.

“You fucking coward.”

 

Notes:

I'm sorry for my absence and thank you for making it to this point with me. I really doted on this chapter, painfully so and that's why the last took forever to come out. I wanted them to come out together, I didn't want to leave anybody hanging and this is my longest chapter yet, a little over 27 pages.

I chose Decode because it's perfect for the emotions running throughout this chapter and one of my favorite Paramore songs, top 5 at least. Man. That song.

"I'm screaming I love you so/My thoughts you can't decode!" almost was the lyrics I went with to open this chapter, but there's something about the way that song ends hit the right spot... like Abby. Don't boo me.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I loved writing it.

Please leave a comment and let me know if I did okay. ☺️

Check out my new Ellie/Abby fic, More Than the Wars of Our Fathers, hopefully updated by later this evening as I polish the second chapter up.

Remember, a slow burn only needs a spark to burn out of control. Thanks again.

Yours always,

—painted__black

Chapter 18: Hole in the Earth

It’s too late for me now,  

There’s a hole in the earth,  

A hole in the earth,  

I’m out,  

There’s a hole in the earth,  

A hole in the earth

—Deftones

× 

Ellie wandered through the raining, broken city for hours. She put down quite a many Infected while taking shortcuts through barely standing buildings, shortcuts that turned out to be winding detours. There was no run-ins with the Wolves yet and certainly no Abby. 

As her All-Stars dragged through the sticky, thick mud, she grit her teeth. She lifted her feet up and forced one foot in front of the other. The Seattle Sun was shrouded by the grey clouds and the rain slid down her face like tears that would never cease. 

“You’re a fucking bitch.” Ellie muttered, borderline rehearsing. “A heartless, soulless bitch.” 

Ellie stopped. Why am I trying to find you?  

She clenched her jaw. Abby had the advantage and she jumped at the opportunity to take that advantage. Seattle was home turf just like Salt Lake City. Ellie patrolled trails she knew like the back of her tattooed hand, navigating her way through forests, clearings and the occasional town. Abby spent years running assignments for a tyrant through this god forsaken city, securing his iron grip. 

It’s not fair, Ellie thought.  

She heard Natalie’s voice, sweet as honey, but poisonous. “You were his little shining star. ” 

She’s the best of them, Ellie thought. Even though she’s not one of them anymore.  

“So you think you’re more than capable to take on this group by yourself, huh?” Ellie asked, kneeling down to lift wooden plants out of her way.  

Ellie laughed. “I can’t fucking judge.” 

“What did Tommy say people were calling you?” Ellie scoffed. “Oh, Lone Wolf .” 

As she ducked into the desolated building, she thought of Abby’s body, crumpled on the floor back in her cell. 

Natalie spitting words, “You’re a traitor and traitors don’t get swift deaths. I’ll make you wish that lightning strike killed you.” 

Ellie inhaled. She’d be alive, but not alive.  

She scavenged for supplies and she remembered what Abby looked like the last time she was held captive, starved beyond measure, her long hair chopped unevenly, reduced to nothing but a fragile girl who begged for help at the mere sound of Ellie stepping in front of her. 

Her mind jumped to Abby’s answer when Ellie asked what they did to her in Santa Barbara, “I’ll kill you if you ask me that again.” 

Then Abby’s reaction to realizing she was changed out of her clothes played before her eyes, the way Abby's hand slid over her stomach and the way she was seized with terror as she unzipped her jeans, her eyes squeezed shut. 

Ellie thought about the way the Wolf pounced on Abby. She never thought Abby would just freeze like that, like the many deer she’d ran into on her patrols. Deer were easy game. 

She breathed in, thinking of Abby beneath her, bracing herself. Butterflies fluttered in her stomach at the sweet memory of Abby craning her neck ever so shyly into the kiss, the beginning of Abby surrendering herself over.  

Next, it was Maria’s words. “We patrol in groups because there’s safety in numbers. You’re a woman, Ellie.” The older blonde’s eyes were like ice. “My father said a woman is better off dead than taken alive.” 

Her mind wandered to the Rattlers and their rows of crops, perfectly maintained under the glaring Santa Barbara Sun. 

She was a slave, Ellie thought and slowly the pieces fell into place for her. They both were.  

She opened a drawer and grabbed a broken half of scissors and started to craft an arrow, binding the broad head to the shaft with careful practiced hands. Just in case…  

She stood and bit her lip, thinking of the men she executed and their death rattles as she walked past their bleeding bodies. Which one of them touched her? Was it more than one? She’d never tell me.  

Ellie opened a cabinet and shook a bottle of alcohol, estimating it was a quarter full. She thought of Abby’s body, hardened and sculpted through blood, sweat and tears, tears Ellie knew were for her late father.  

Her fucking body was a living, breathing warning.   

And Ellie knew that Abby was somewhere in Seattle, running around, nowhere near her peak, chasing the mythical dragon named Revenge .  

The thought of a weaker Abby made Ellie’s blood boil.  “Either you’re cocky or you have a fucking death wish, Abby!”  

“Those fuckers deserved what they got.” Ellie whispered, walking to the door with the broken exit sign above it. She turned the doorknob and stepped through, hearing the sound of a powerful rifle cutting through the howling rain and faint screaming coming from the West. 

“Got you.” Ellie whispered.  

× 

Abby’s boots pounded against the concrete and she gripped her rifle like it was a lifeline. It was her lifeline. She could hear the shouting below on the streets faintly under her panting and the heavy rain. She stampeded up the stairs, yelping and locking her hand around the railing as she almost slipped on the wet floor. She ran up the next set of stairs and threw herself against a door, never losing the majority of her momentum. She slid to a stop between two broken windows.  

She rested her head back against the wall, cradling her ribs and trying not to breathe in too deeply. The air was lukewarm, thick and each breath felt like it wasn’t enough. She groaned, the inside of her chest cavity burning like hell and the Devil sat in front of Abby’s beating heart, laughing.  

“That bitch is picking us off!” A female Wolf screeched.  

She winced as she heard a window below her shatter, a little ways away and below, the Wolf shouted. “There’s a leash with your name on it, bitch!” 

“Over my dead fucking body,” Abby whispered and spat on the ground. She slid down the wall and reloaded her rifle with careful fingers, counting each bullet. She took some time to catch her breath, but her heart wouldn’t slow up. 

‘Kay, Abby, you got it. She stood and adjusted her grip on the rifle. She glanced out and raised the scope to her eye. The Wolves scoped out every angle of the building and its three faces. She was in the middle.  

She lined up the shot, her crosshairs lining right at a female Wolf’s forehead. She pulled the trigger with no hesitation.  

“Bang.” Abby whispered, watching the Wolf’s head explode, pieces of skull and brains flying in every direction. She tucked herself back into the wall, listening. 

“Liz! No! That bitch got—”  

Another rifle going off, echoing through the air. 

“Adam! Someone got Adam!” A Wolf yelled from down below. 

Abby pressed her face to the wall, sweat crawling down her face. Who?  

“It came from up there!”  

Abby decided that it didn’t matter who it was and ran as fast she could, gasping for air. 

× 

Ellie saw a figure moving quickly and she could see a blonde braid whipping behind her. She watched Abby vault, then slide over a displaced desk and roll out of sight. 

“Found you, Abby,” Ellie whispered, reloading her rifle. 

She hissed as a bullet flew past her, lodging itself into the wall. “Shit!” 

There was another rifle shot, the sound bouncing off the ghostly buildings, more chaotic screams coming from below. Ellie took the opportunity and ran, wincing and gasping for air. She used her momentum and slid underneath a table, forcing herself forward to the end of the hallway and shouting when a bullet flew right past her face. She rounded the corner and gasped as a bullet grazed her upper arm. 

“Fuck!” Ellie growled. Her chest burned like a match was struck inside her chest.  

“It’s Abby and her bitch!” A Wolf yelled. 

Ellie rolled her eyes, readying her rifle. “Famous last words.” 

× 

Abby squinted, watching the Wolf point away from her. All she heard was her name. She rubbed the back of her ringing ear and tucked herself low. The wind blew and her braid danced. She caught the Wolf in her crosshairs and pulled the trigger. 

“Bye.” she whispered, tucking herself back into the wall, listening to the screams of rage and hysterics. 

There was another shot firing from the opposite side, the echo ringing through the air and a man yelled out his comrade’s name, his voice colored in grief Abby knew all too well. 

Abby peeked out just in time to see the other person running. They were quick on their feet and she reeled back, noticing she was caught in a Wolf’s crosshairs. 

She dropped low and flinched as the bullets fired at the window and she held her arm up, the glass exploding next to her and scraping her arm. She didn’t feel it, not with the adrenaline running through her veins and her mind aimed on the target of survival, a small red circle she managed to hit over the years again and again. 

She hissed as she heard the sneakers slapping against the wet floor towards her and drew her military pistol. She aimed her gun as the person slid around the corner, crushing themselves to the wall.  

Abby’s eyes widened and she blinked twice.  

“Abby, don’t fucking point that shit at me! Point it at them!” Ellie snapped.  

You’re fucking joking.  

Abby inhaled through her teeth and readied her rifle, peeking out and seeing two Wolves, one below and one near the other side. She took the latter, lining up the shot and smirking as the man broke his cover from behind a car and popped right into her crosshairs. Ellie took the other, trying to sneak under another car, her eyes focused. 

Ellie and Abby both squeezed the trigger at the same time, ending the Wolves’ existence.  

Ellie slid to her knees, chasing air. “Fuck me,” she moaned, her hand sliding over her dark, cherry hair. Blood dripped from her left arm. 

Abby gave her a once over, frowning and turning away. Why? Fucking why?  

Abby walked to the closest door and pushed against it as she twisted the knob with clammy, cold hands. She heard Ellie’s footsteps behind her.  

“Abby!” Ellie hissed.  

“This way.” Abby slammed herself against the door twice and it gave, the items used for a barricade falling on the other side. She slid through the opening and sighed. Ellie was next, cursing as her backpack got stuck. Abby pressed her flashlight on and glanced at the glass window to a room, the fungus spreading on the glass, then back to the hallway in front of her. She put on her mask. “Infected, too?” 

“Abby!” Ellie growled and Abby whipped around.  

“Goddamn it, I told you to go home!” Abby seethed. Ellie stepped up to her and stared coldly. 

“And I told you not to fucking leave!” Ellie spat back. 

Abby turned her back to Ellie and stalked ahead into the hallway, Ellie following close behind. 

“Fucking say something!” Ellie hissed, falling in line next to her. 

“You can’t read?” Abby asked icily, stealing a glance at a dark hallway and moved forward, unfazed.  

“Yes, I can fucking read!” Ellie argued back. “You didn’t give me a fucking choice!”  

“I made the choice for you.” Abby could feel her neck getting hot as Ellie continued to press buttons Abby didn’t know she had.  

She stopped and stared at Ellie whose face was illuminated by her flashlight. Her eyes were all rage, but beneath that rage, Abby spotted something she hadn’t seen since the day on Santa Barbara. 

I hurt her.   

Guilt raged like a monster in Abby’s stomach and she crossed her arms, her eyes fixed on Ellie’s flushed face. She readied herself, watching the emotions morph on Ellie’s face. She named them in her head as she watched Ellie grasp for words. Frustration, relief, rage, betrayal—Guess I’m good at that.  

“You’re a bitch! A fucking soulless, heartless, cowardl —" 

Ellie fell silent as they heard a sickening creak in the building. It shot down the hall and filled their ears.  

Abby looked down and gasped as the floor trembled beneath their feet.  

Ellie looked up, her heart jumping into her throat as she saw the dust quake off the ceiling in one layer.  

“It's gonna fucking cave!” Ellie shouted and snatched Abby's arm, propelling them down the decayed, dark hallway. They heard one cry from the Infected, then another as their footsteps pounded the pavement. 

Abby glanced as they passed a hallway, a group of Infected headed straight for them.  

“We woke up the fucking nest!” Abby shouted. She pumped her legs harder. With every breath, she felt like she was burning from the inside out. 

There was a crash behind them, the sound of concrete smashing into more concrete. Ellie pulled Abby, gasping for air as her All-Stars slapped against the pavement. 

The group of Infected still trailed them, their thundering footsteps only drawing more Infected. They were snarling and shrieking, arms outstretched and mouths open waiting for the moment to bite into human flesh. 

The floor groaned beneath their feet and collapsed. Abby and Ellie yelled as they hit the concrete, the dust clouding around them like fog. The floor rumbled above them and Abby locked her arms around Ellie, dragging them away from the heavy slabs of rubble that piled on top of each other. The cries of the Infected cut short and the snapping of their bones and skulls underneath the rubble filled their ears.  

The two women scooted themselves away, watching the rubble pile and pile, crash after crash, their shoes sliding against the broken concrete floor. 

Abby wrenched away from Ellie, her eyes wide through her mask as she got to her feet. “You shouldn’t have come after me!” 

“You shouldn’t have come after me! This is all your fucking fault!” Ellie retorted, standing up. Abby’s eyes squeezed shut behind the plastic of her visor, Ellie’s words stung like the switchblade she forced through Abby’s chest. 

Abby almost replied and then she stopped, seeing the yellow and brown spores floating around them in the air as the dust cleared. She stared at Ellie, gasping. Her eyes jumped around the room, the walls covered with sprawling fungus. Her eyes jumped back to Ellie, her rising chest and her flaring nostrils. Ellie’s eyes burned like a forest fire. 

“You can breathe this shit in?” Abby asked. 

There was a roar in the distance and both women cursed at the same time. “Fuck!” 

Abby's eyes floated to the right and Ellie whipped around. Within seconds, a Bloater burst through the wall, charging and roaring.  

Abby threw herself against Ellie, tackling her to the hard floor. They both grunted on impact and Abby wheezed, staggering to her feet.  

Abby yanked a gasping Ellie to her feet and their eyes both fell on the wobbling bloater.  

Abby spotted the exit and backed up, her arm in front of Ellie’s chest, guiding her back. 

“Give me back my shotgun,” Abby held her hand out.  

“Fuck you, you gave it to me!” Ellie yelled. 

“Give me the gun and get the fucking door!” Abby yelled, pointing at the door and Ellie thrust the shotgun into her hand as the Bloater wobbled around, readying himself for a charge.  

Ellie ran over to the door and gasped as she slammed herself against it. “Fucking stuck?”  

“C’mon, fucker, you and me!” Abby shouted, gearing herself for a side-step. The Bloater charged with a gurgling cry and Abby lunged out the way, turning on her heels and taking her first shot, her shotgun kicking back in her hands.  

She backed up carefully, watching Ellie struggle with the door and then back to the Bloater. Adrenaline filled her veins, mixing with fear.

“I’m right here, asshole!” Abby taunted. The Bloater charged at Abby and she dodged with a grunt, turning on her heels again, taking the shot as he slammed into the wall, headfirst with a loud roar. Its pink fungus plates were a raging red from where the shotgun shell hit.  

Abby squinted as she heard snarling coming down from the forced entry point. She saw, all snarling and shrieking shadows.  

“Ellie... Ellie?” Abby’s voice wavered, her eyes jumping between the hole in the wall and back to the Bloater. “It’s gonna get hot.” 

“Fuck!” Ellie hissed underneath her breath as she glanced over her shoulder, pushing at the door. “Fucking perfect!” 

The Bloater charged towards Abby again and she dove to the floor, hearing it collide into the wall headfirst. She scrambled to her feet and watched the Infected lodge themselves into the hole.  

“Any day now!” Abby screamed, her eyes on a group of Infected piling over themselves through the destroyed wall. A Runner breached through. Abby glanced at the groaning Bloater. 

Ellie threw herself against the door. “I’m fucking trying!”  

“Try harder, goddamn it!” Abby shouted, aiming her shotgun as a Runner made a beeline for her. She took the shot and watched its head explode into red pieces, its body crumpling to the floor.  

The Bloater roared and charged at Abby, she stepped backwards and watched as it took two snarling Runners down with it, knocking them out the way. Abby switched to her pistol, watching the Infected push over each other. They got through, trickling in and Abby’s stomach dropped as a Clicker shrieked at her, the other getting to its feet. 

“Ellie, open the fucking door!” Abby screamed, picking off shrieking Clickers with her military pistol, glancing at the Bloater peeling itself away from the door. She screamed as a Runner grabbed her. Ellie whipped her head around and aimed carefully, watching Abby and the Runner wrestle for control.   

Ellie took the shot and Abby pushed the body off of her, making it fall to the floor. Ellie aimed again, watching Abby’s blindspot, the bullet stunning a Clicker just feet away from Abby. 

She threw herself against the door, hearing the Bloater roar.  

“C’mon!” Ellie hissed. “Fucking open!” 

“I’m not fucking dying here!” Abby shouted, backing out of the away as the Bloater charged towards her, taking down the growling Runners lunging towards her, making every bullet count. The Bloater hit the wall just ten feet from Ellie and staggered.  

“Shit!” Ellie’s shrill scream filled the room amongst all the noise of Death. 

Abby dodged the swipe of a Runner and pistol whipped it to the floor.  

Ellie threw herself against the door and gasped as it gave with a screeching squeak. “C’mon, move it!”  

Ellie ducked through the tight opening, half way up the first flight of stairs and Abby followed, yelping as a Clicker grabbed her backpack. 

Ellie aimed with her pistol, firing twice at the shrieking husk of a person. The two women scrambled up five flights of stairs and Ellie slammed herself at the next door, hearing the Infected stampede after them. Abby rushed past Ellie, her pants on the edge of whimpers. Ellie scrambled for a Molotov and lit the rag with a lighter, throwing it to the left of the stairs below. The Infected caught in the flames let out cries of anguish and pain, but Ellie still heard more. She stepped back into the room and threw herself  back against the door, panting as she looked at them. 

Abby and Ellie were in an open room, an entire wall ripped away by nature to reveal the city landscape Abby’s heart pounded in her chest, seeing the Ferris wheel from miles away, her heart skipping a beat in as lightning flashed across the smoke grey sky. Abby looked down at the water below, moving as quick as a shadow running from light. This side of Seattle was flooding. 

“Abby, you need to jump!” Ellie braced herself against the door, feeling the Infected collide into it.  

“No! It's too high!” Abby screamed. 

“We don't have a fucking choice!” Ellie yelled, trying to hold the door as it rocked her away. She gasped as the Infected slammed against the door again, her green eyes swallowed by her black pupils. 

Abby glanced back at the water below, paralyzed with fear.  

“Abby!” Ellie shouted. “I can't hold this!” 

The water rushed below, turbulent and wild. Abby started to feel dizzy and her heart thundered in her ears. She breathed in shakily, the water becoming too clearer, too real and her stomach felt as if it folded in on itself. All she could hear was her own heart racing in her ears. 

“Abby, jump!” Ellie screamed. “Just fucking jump!” 

But Abby didn't move and Ellie realized she was scared beyond anything. She was stuck, staring down at the pieces of the broken street jutting out from the dark water. The Infected rocked the door again and Ellie’s ears caught the sound of the Bloater stomping up the left side of the stairs, labored grunts and congested growls. 

She swallowed and whimpered as the door was forced open, hands clawing. 

“Fuck this!” Ellie seethed, staring at Abby’s back, her blonde braid whipped by the icy wind. 

Ellie broke away from the door and threw herself at Abby's side. The two of them were stripped of gravity, no ground beneath their feet. Abby screamed as they fell and it curdled Ellie's blood. Nothing but the howling and blistering wind scraping their skin and Abby's shrieking filling Ellie’s ears. 

They hit the water in seconds.  

Abby and Ellie were tossed and turned underneath the water, being dragged by the unforgiving force of nature and Abby gripped Ellie's forearms, a distorted cry leaving her mouth as they slammed into what felt like a wall. Abby choked and the water filled her lungs.  

The water spun them through and deeper under. Ellie held onto Abby, squeezing tighter.  

 Ellie grunted and begged herself for thirty more seconds of control. Abby was heavy and Ellie’s heart raced in her chest like a stallion. They were at the mercy of the water and it pulled them away, far away.  

Ellie breached the surface, the water slapping at her face and she dragged Abby with her. Every noise around her lost to nature. “Fuck!” She coughed, spitting up the water, “Oh, fuck!”  

The river slowed up and Ellie held fast onto Abby, watching the water spread out, thinning and losing its will. She spotted an opening and kicked her legs towards the shallow sidewalk.  

Ellie dragged Abby onto the sidewalk, gasping as she collapsed over her body and wrenching herself away when she realized Abby wasn't breathing.  

“Shit,” Ellie breathed. “Abby?” Ellie tilted her face in her hand.  

“If I wanted you to fucking drown, I would’ve done it myself!” Ellie yelled. Abby’s eyes were rolled back into her head, slits of the white visible between dark lashes. Loose strands of blonde hair stuck to her forehead. 

“Wake the fuck up, Abby!” Ellie shouted.  

“So, why are we still in your living room if you’re gonna teach me how to swim, old man? ” Ellie sat on the couch, her eyes glancing at the vinyl, the drums and the crooning of the man at a low volume. “What’s with the dummy? Is this target practice? ” 

“They taught us CPR in high school and if you’re gonna learn how to swim, you need t’know how to rescue someone from drownin’,” Joel gestured to the dummy on the floor. 

“Joel! ” Ellie protested.  

Joel shot her a stern look. “Ellie, you almost drowned. ” 

“Yeah, so? ” Ellie crossed her arms, blowing a strand of cherry hair from her face. “ I’m fucking alive right now. ” 

“You’d be dead if I hadn’t done CPR,” Joel sighed. “Listen, it’s not hard, right, Tommy? ” 

Tommy laughed, closing his book. “No, what’s hard is making out with a dummy in front of twenty-sum’n teenagers. You better thank your lucky stars we didn’t drag Dina and Jesse in here to humiliate ya. ” 

Ellie paled at the idea. 

Joel grinned, looking at Tommy. “The worst, right? ” 

“Right up there with Rose laughing in my face when I asked her to Senior Prom,” Tommy shook his head.  

Joel gestured Ellie over and she sighed, trudging over to the other side of the dummy.  

Joel kneeled. “So this next song is perfect for CPR and what you’re gonna do is… ” 

Ellie breathed in and leaned over Abby, hearing no soft inhale and exhale. She swallowed.  

“Abby, you’re not dying in this goddamn city…” Ellie whispered. She tilted Abby’s head back ever so slightly.  

She leaned over Abby, keeping her elbows straight and positioning her hands over Abby’s chest just like Joel told her to and ignoring the way her right hand trembled. She could hear the drums and the synth and jumped in, starting her chest compressions. 

She pinched Abby’s nose, pressing her mouth to hers, tasting blood. One quick gift from Ellie to Abby. Ellie broke away, inhaled and pressed her lips to hers again. 

How long before you let me go?  

She started the compressions again, eyes closed and focused as Abby’s chest gave in beneath her hands, her voice trembling, “You set my soul alight… ” 

Joel’s face in her mind, his mouth moving, “You might just need this one day, kiddo. You can save someone’s life.” 

Abby wasn’t coming to and Ellie tried to stay calm, pressing hard on Abby’s chest, gasping. “I thought I was a fool for no one… ” 

More compressions, a trembling, broken whisper, “You set my soul alight… ” 

One more gift to Abby, Ellie pressing her lips to hers, wondering if this would be the last time she would ever get to taste her lips.  

As Ellie broke away, Abby coughed and lurched up, twisting away from Ellie, her hands steadying herself against the pavement as she gagged. There was the sound of the water hitting the concrete preceding Abby’s ragged groan.  

Ellie inhaled. Holy shit.  

Abby continued to gag, more of the water splashing onto the concrete.  

Abby smeared her lips with her forearm and looked back at Ellie, rubbing her chest and wincing as she touched fresh bruises from Ellie's hands. She rubbed her neck, gasping. 

“Were you singing just now?” 

“Were you about to let us get fucking mauled to death by Infected just now?” Ellie asked back. 

“Fuck you!” Abby snapped, getting to her feet. “You should’ve went home.” 

“And if I did, nobody would be around to save your ass!” Ellie fired back as she got to her feet. She started to count on her fingers. “One, Santa Barbara, two, Jackson, thr—”  

Abby’s lip curled. “I swear—” 

Ellie rolled her eyes, cutting her off. “You’re a fucking damsel in distress, you screamed the whole time we were falling—”  

Abby lunged and grabbed Ellie’s backpack straps, pulling her in and crushing her lips to hers. She let go and Ellie stood, stunned. 

Abby huffed and turned her back to Ellie. “Shut it.” 

Ellie touched her tingling lips with shy fingertips, watching Abby stagger ahead, the Seattle rain blurring her silhouette. 

× 

Abby leaned against the wall and glanced over her shoulder at Ellie’s back. Abby clicked her tongue at the sight of Ellie’s purpled back, knowing she looked like much of the same after plummeting into the water. 

The words flipped backwards on her tongue, diving into her throat. I’m sorry for leaving. I’m sorry for everything. Last night, I…  

She could see the girl’s arm in motion, stitching her skin from the grazed bullet. Abby turned her head back to the window and rested her head against the windowpane, watching the rain patter against the glass.  

She closed her eyes and flashes of Ellie played out in her mind. “It’s fucking you! ” 

Ellie was red—Violence, passion, resentment. 

Abby saw Ellie dragging her black tank top over her soft, bruised skin. Ellie planting wet kisses on her inner thighs. The rain falling against the window in the ceiling like a crescendo.  

“You taste so fucking good, Abby.” 

The way Ellie felt wrapped around Abby’s pumping fingers, slick as water and as hot as fire.  

“Come on, Abby,” a gasp intertwined with a moan, “I’m so fucking close! ”   

Abby saw the look on her flushed face as she unravelled completely, swollen lips parted, eyes wet with tears, her borderline screams as Ellie squeezed tight around Abby's fingers, once, twice, a third time, a fourth and the fifth time. 

Abby swallowed hard, feeling her nipples stiffen to peaks and her own slick nectar easing out of her. She ached as Ellie’s moans played like a song in her head. 

What did you fucking do to me? Abby thought. 

The Sun set behind the smoky grey clouds, painting everything blue, mirroring how Abby felt inside. Abby closed her eyes as Ellie shook out the blanket.  

I’m tired.  

Her eyes slid to the table, hoping their gear would be dry by the morning. It was dangerous to move around at night. She wrenched away from the window, shivering. 

She watched Ellie’s eyes rake over her bare body from where she laid in bed, that same stunned look coloring her green eyes, but Ellie didn’t look away, she drank her in and Abby held her breath, sinking into the bed to face Ellie. 

“You pushed me,” Abby whispered, the phantom feeling of vertigo making her heart drop. “You’re the soulless bitch.” 

“Payback for leaving me, asshole.” Ellie mumbled. “Didn’t think you were scared of heights.” 

Ellie buried her face into Abby’s shoulder and Abby lazily tucked her thigh in between Ellie’s thighs. Ellie’s breath hitched, thinking of her name and what it sounded like when Ellie pushed Abby off a different ledge. 

It was Abby’s hand, smoothing across Ellie’s head over the braid she wove into it.  

“I am,” Abby admitted. And I’m scared of losing people, she thought, the words died on her tongue. Abby swallowed them back down bitterly. “What are you scared of?”  

Ellie breathed in. “I…” 

Abby went for the save, wincing as she remembered that she brought Ellie her worst nightmare. “Nevermind.” 

Ellie pressed her nose into Abby’s neck and inhaled as the answer bled into her mind. Not being able to save people.  

“Didn’t think you could breath spores,” Abby whispered. 

“I can,” Ellie whispered, her calloused fingertips dragging against the blonde’s ribs. 

“Listen, I—” Abby whispered, shutting her eyes. 

Ellie pulled away and Abby felt her eyes boring into her face. “I’m just immune, I can’t pass it on—”  

There was a dull ache in Abby’s chest at the word immune.  “No, that’s not what—” Abby bit her lip. “It’s just—” 

Abby winced, choosing her words carefully and Ellie waited, holding her breath. The silence between them thickened like the bleak fog of Seattle. 

“This is on me,” Abby whispered “Those were my people and I crossed them.” 

Abby opened her eyes and it was Ellie, all green rage. 

“It’s a fucking suicide mission,” Ellie whispered slowly. 

“You’re a hypocrite.” Abby breathed out and started to roll over and Ellie stopped her, a firm hand on her bruised ribs, a soft shake of her head as the pain flashed across Abby’s face. Abby shrugged her off, sitting up in bed and cradling her head in her hands. 

“Fuck you, Abby,” Ellie sneered her name as she sat up, glaring at Abby’s profile. “You could never —” 

“Never what?” Abby whipped her head at Ellie, her blue eyes raging like the Pacific Ocean. “I was supposed to grow up with a goddamn cure , with my—” 

“Dad,” Ellie laughed bitterly. “Like I don’t know what it’s like to miss—” 

Abby held up her left hand and flinched as if she’d been struck across the face. Ellie saw the white flag of mercy, but Guilt fired shots from within. It didn’t feel like a win. 

“You could’ve just let me drown,” Abby sighed, her fingers grazing her throat, the softest whisper sliding off her tongue. “Do you know how close you were?” 

It was Ellie flinching this time, thinking of that murky water off the coast of Santa Barbara. Abby set her eyes on her, challenging her silence. “You were so close. Why’d you let go of me in Santa Barbara?”  

Joel clouded Abby’s mind, haunting her like a ghost. Abby knew Ellie saw Joel and let go of her, but couldn’t fathom it. She thought back to killing Joel bitterly and the only image of her father to come through was the sight of his bloodless face. 

It only made me want to swing again and again, Abby thought. The shame was underneath her skin, always crawling like a parasite. It fed off of her, draining her just from being around Ellie.

Ellie swallowed and stared at her open palms, the same hands that held Abby under the water, her eyes lingering on the amputated stumps. She heard Abby’s grunts and gasps when she breached the surface. 

“Killing you...” Ellie whispered, thinking back to Joel and the porch, his unflinching conviction. 

“If somehow, the Lord gave me a second chance at that moment, I would do it all over again.” 

Abby fixated on Ellie, listening and her voice broke. “Killing felt like I was killing him and killing myself—You... you and Lev.” 

Ellie held onto Abby’s gaze, her eyes like an endless green field under the stars. Abby’s gaze jumped from Ellie’s left eye to her right eye and back again, searching.  

Lev, Abby thought. Fuck, Lev.  

“One of us has to walk through the gates of Jackson.” Abby whispered, her voice trembling in a plead. One of us deserves to be there.

“Someone has to tell Maria,” Abby breathed out, knowing she meant Lev. 

“And you decided it wasn’t gonna be you?” Ellie asked. She scoffed as Abby closed her eyes. “You piss me off, Abby.” 

“You gonna punch me in the face again?” Abby turned her head slightly back to Ellie, giving her an opening.  

“Fuck, no. Didn’t I make it up to you? Or do I have to remind you?” Ellie’s voice like a cool breeze, raising goosebumps on the back of Abby’s arms. 

Abby bit her lip, the heat crawling beneath the skin of her neck. She opened her mouth, but closed it.  

Ellie leaned in and pressed her lips to Abby’s shoulder, her calloused fingertips grazing over her spine, running over the red scar seared into her skin. Abby gave in miserably, sighing and closing her eyes.  

Mercy feels like this.  

Abby fell back into the bed and stared at Ellie. She blinked slowly, the back of her hands sliding against the thin grey sheets, leaving herself vulnerable for Ellie. She closed her eyes, wishing that it wasn’t this bed in Seattle, but maybe her bed. A tug on her heart string, a resounding ache through her chest, deeper than the bruises Ellie painted on her skin. 

She opened her eyes, ready to answer Ellie. 

“Memory’s a little fucked since you pushed me out of that building,” Abby murmured, watching Ellie’s eyes rake over her breasts and her stomach. 

Ellie laid back down on her side to face Abby and played along. “Oh, yeah?” 

“Yeah,” Abby whispered, her tongue darting out to wet her lips as Ellie’s eyes followed hungrily. She waited for Ellie’s control to break as it did before, but Ellie didn’t lift a finger to touch her. 

Kiss me, Abby thought. Touch me. Something.  

Ellie watched Abby carefully, waiting for her poker face to falter. She made out the freckles across her nose, the scars crossing underneath her left eye, the swollen, pink bottom lip clamped between her teeth— 

Ellie propped up on her elbow, leaning closer into Abby. They fixated on each other, blinking slowly at each other.  

Abby craned her head up and Ellie pulled away, a hint of a smile. Abby blew her breath and leaned, crushing her mouth against Ellie’s mouth.  

Ellie broke the kiss and licked her lips, watching Abby’s storming blue eyes linger on her mouth. “You’re not doing this alone.” 

The words made Abby’s heart sink, thinking of how she gently pushed Ellie’s arm off of her stomach and slid out of the bed. She forced herself to remember the faces of the people she harmed, people Ellie loved, as she scratched Go home into the paper.  

The moonlight played hide and seek with the shadows across Ellie’s face and Abby swallowed.  

She’s…  

Abby threw her leg over Ellie’s hip, pulling her closer and Ellie’s arms found themselves wrapped around her neck while Abby’s arms encircled Ellie at her waist. Abby breathed in and pushed her thigh between Ellie’s legs, watching her face shift from determination to shameless need.  

Ellie shifted her thigh to rest between Abby’s legs and Abby slowly rocked her hips against Ellie’s thigh, her eyes fluttering closed as a match was struck. She hummed. 

“You’re so wet,” Abby breathed. Ellie was soft and sopping and it only made Abby throb between her own legs, something Ellie couldn’t miss.   

“You think I don’t feel you, too?” Ellie gasped out as Abby slowly rocked her hips, a sigh breaking off the renegade’s lips. Ellie gripped her braid and a hiss slithered out through Abby’s teeth. 

The stickiness of Abby oozed from in between her folds, stretching, but never leaving Ellie’s thigh with each movement. Ellie pulled her head back by her braid and laid one kiss on her throat and Abby inhaled a whimper. 

Abby moaned and shoved Ellie onto her back. “No—Fuck! ” 

She clambered between Ellie’s legs and hesitated. Ellie waited.  

Ellie tilted her head, her eyes sucking Abby in. “Need some help—” 

“Just let me... figure it out.” Abby whispered, her hands sliding against the back of Ellie’s thighs and Ellie breathed in. She pushed Ellie’s thighs back, her eyes jumping from each thigh to Ellie’s face as she tested her flexibility, her eyes focused and critical. Abby leaned into her and Ellie dropped her jaw and the two of them let out shivering moans as Abby crested against Ellie. Every nerve fired off at the touch.  

Abby threw her head back, her fingertips digging into the sides of Ellie's thighs and Ellie moaned, watching as the soft moonlight and shadows dancing across Abby’s bruised body and her face, eyes closed as she gave herself over.  

“Yeah?” Abby whispered, biting her lip. 

Ellie breathed back, nodding, her eyes flickering down and back up to Abby’s face, the glimpse of shyness dancing across her freckled face. “Yeah...” 

Abby kept Ellie locked and still, and like the waves into the shore, she eased against her over and over, both of them stiffening and choking on their cries. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, right there,” Ellie whispered, the two of them were both so swollen, so swollen and wet that they ached. Just two sore bodies, sliding against the other, striving for feeling, for release, for a connection.

Ellie gasped from underneath Abby, watching the soft skin of her neck as she swallowed, the way her braid of gold swung she swayed into Ellie. Her green eyes smoldered in the dark. 

“Please,” Ellie choked out, her eyes rolling back into her head as Abby's hot folds slid against hers. Abby gasped each time they met. 

Ellie panted, her hands reaching for Abby, pulling her down. Abby groaned as she kissed Ellie, her teeth scrape against Abby’s bottom lip. Abby buried her face in her neck, choking on a moan as the pleasure surged like a storm. "God!'

“Harder,” Ellie breathed through her teeth, her thighs trembling in Abby's hands. “Please, fuck, fucking please!” 

Abby ground herself against Ellie, whimpering as the muscles tensed in her thighs. “Ellie…”  

Slick, wet sounds like kissing only made the women echo each other’s cries and growls. Ellie gasped as the ache slithering in her gut like a snake, winding tighter and tighter. 

“Keep fucking me like that, Abby!” Ellie pleaded. Abby gazed at her face, completely flushed red. Abby panted, keeping the rhythm as she danced on her, her hips drawing in tight circles.  

Abby's focus blurred and the two women screamed out, riding each other’s wave. Abby’s eyes rolled back into her head and Ellie’s fingernails raked down her back with a cry and it was like slipping away into Death’s embrace, everything white and blurring into shadowy blacks. 

Abby released Ellie's legs and crashed down on her. 

“Ouch,” Ellie whispered, wincing. 

“Sorry,” Abby whispered between trembling breaths.

The two women panted, chasing air as they started to come down, their bodies shuddering almost painfully against each other. She could hear Ellie's heart racing in her chest. She relished in the sound.

Ellie circled her arms around Abby, her hand wrapped in ink sliding between her shoulder blades, the other tracing her spine with her forefinger. She inhaled, trying the force the words past the wall of pride inside her throat. “Don’t...” 

Abby bit her lip. “Don’t what?” 

“Don’t leave me.” Ellie breathed out. 

Abby breathed in shakily and mumbled into Ellie’s neck, her heart sinking. “I won’t.” 

Notes:

My deepest apologies! This one shouldn't have taken so long to put out and even as I post, my eyes are tired and can't proofread as normally, something I've been doing over the past few days. The title song has been in my rotation for a few weeks now. I can't describe that one right now. Just give it a listen. I tried to follow the song's progression with this chapter, the slower riffs at the end, like waves. Abby and Ellie really do struggle for power again in this chapter in more ways than one, it's one of my favorite parts to write as they clash.

Abby's guilt bleeds into her every action, she's willing to die because of it, but not while Ellie's still here. Ellie has a new kind of fixation towards Abby, a fixation she can barely put into words, words she chokes out at the end of this chapter, "Don't leave me." A moth to a flame...

Can you really do CPR to Supermassive Black Hole by Muse? I don't know. I found it in a CPR playlist, but it's been on a playlist for this fic. Whoooooa, super surprised at that one.

Give the author CPR with comments and kudos!

EDIT: aooc has beef with subtitles and italics, I see

EDIT: Thank you for all the love and especially the 10K views on this fic, I genuinely appreciate every comment and kudos and I'll be replying soon! <3

Chapter 19: Knife Prty

I could float here forever,

You are ever sweet,  

I could float here forever,  

Anemic and sweet, so...  

Go get your knife! Go get your knife! 

And come in...  

Go get your knife! Go get your knife! 

And lay down...  

Go get your knife! Go get your knife! 

Get filthy...  

Go get your knife! Go get your knife! 

And kiss me...  

—Deftones

× 

Abby pushed open the hallway doors. The red lights flashed over and over on the walls. The screeching alarm flooded her ears. Her heart raced in her chest and fear swelled in the pit of her stomach.

She ran down the hall, bare feet slapping against the linoleum and eyes aimed on the red door. She collided into the door and gasped as the scenery changed. The brisk air caused goosebumps to pebble on her skin.

Her bare feet fell on the tiled pavement, interrupted by the resilience of nature.

As she neared closer, she saw the raging fire and smoke consuming the building that once imprisoned her. The sound of glass breaking, a blood-curdling scream and more rounds exploding filled her ears. 

She avoided the calamity and the urgency made her jog. The smell of salt water filled her nose and she followed the path, weaving through palm trees and pushing through thorny bushes.

The path opened and she could hear the waves only paces away. She froze upon seeing the pillars and the reeking bodies fixed to them.

“Holy… ” Abby breathed out. Still, she went forward, staggering past the corpses.

She stumbled over her feet as she saw a blonde woman with a braid in a tanktop, gasping. The woman was gone, dried blood streaking like tears on her hollow face. Eyes picked out clean by birds. A chill slithered down her spine and she stopped dead in her tracks as she heard a hoarse voice call from behind her.

She turned, seeing a woman with matted auburn hair, strands stuck to her face. Her clothes were in tatters, wrists tied to the pillar by rough rope. A tattoo of ferns wrapped around the woman’s sunburnt arm.

Abby approached, watching as the woman’s chest fell and rose unevenly. The woman’s mouth cracked open and Abby waited for her words.

“Help me…” Ellie choked out weakly. With all her strength, Ellie opened her eyes to look upon Abby. Abby watched the disbelief flash in them, then her green eyes muddled with regret and sorrow.

“You...” Ellie breathed. “It’s fucking you.”

Abby swallowed as Ellie began to sob. 

“Don’t let me die here, Abby!” Ellie begged, her voice cracking on the blonde’s name. 

Abby lurched up out of her sleep with a gasp and panted. Beneath her clammy palm, her heart thundered on the inside of her chest. Abby cursed softly as her fingertips ghosted over where Ellie gave her back her life. The soreness all over her body seeped from her bones to the surface of her skin.

Abby’s frantic eyes swept the room and a drop of cold sweat crawled down her temple. The decades’ old wallpaper curled away from the rotting wall. Their gear laid out on the wooden table from the night prior along with their handguns. Two rifles and a shotgun rested against the table, barrels down. A glance at the rain-streaked window, the hazy grey of Seattle’s very own nautical twilight. 

Abby went rigid as a calloused hand squeezed her shoulder and a voice like rust whispered her name. “Abby?”

She swallowed and turned her head to Ellie. The burnt auburn braid hung over her shoulder, hiding the crown of puckered teeth marks on her skin. Probing green eyes stared back at her, holding a question Abby knew she didn’t want to answer.

Abby turned away and swung her legs over the bed. Her heart skipped a beat in her chest at the loss of Ellie’s hand on her skin and what it meant. The side of Ellie’s bed creaked.

How many more mornings? Abby’s stomach dropped at the thought. 

Abby shivered at the memory of Ellie’s crumpled body while Natalie sauntered around her. A cold chill crawled down her spine at the thought of the Wolf leering over Ellie. 

You’re tough, Abby thought, blinking the imagery away. But not that tough. No one is.

Even colder was the image of Lev, innards in tatters as promised by Natalie. The thought of being that late turned her stomach. 

Abby squeezed her eyes shut and breathed in. Lev’s tears ran down his face in the freezing Jackson air and her words, not his, ran through her mind.

You’re gonna let me do this. I’ll just be gone for four days, maybe less, nothing more.

Abby swallowed and grimaced at the dryness in her throat, How long has it been?

A blink and the sight of Michael, Tommy and Maria stood before her like solemn statues—Do what you have to do to keep him safe.

Would they? Abby asked herself. Or would they give him up at the gates?

A shaky inhale as the sound of Lev’s voice breached through—May your survival be long, Wolf!

A slight shake of her head, somewhere between denial and madness, They owe me nothing. We’re ghosts.

Ellie’s voice cut in again. “Abby? What’s your deal?” She watched the blonde go rigid, muscles tensing beneath the bruised skin of her back.

You can’t die here, Abby thought, biting her lip. Abby crossed her arms over her breasts and glanced over her shoulder at Ellie. The girl sat crossed-legged on the bed, tucking strands of hair behind her ears.

Abby looked away again as she answered, short and simple. “The fall from yesterday.”

Ellie squinted at the back of her head, mistrust seizing her voice. Loose, gold strands of the braid fell over Abby’s shoulders. She noted her own soreness from the fall, permeating from the middle of her body. Not my finest day either.

Ellie sighed and her tongue dragged across her lips. Abby waited on her response as she stared through the window. The rain began to pick up and it streaked down the glass, blurring the grey buildings that stood beyond it.

Her father’s voice, soft but distant in her mind the way a long-forgotten memory always is. Rain, rain, go away, little Abby wants to play.

Abby hugged herself, then sighed.

“Yeah, I feel like I got hit by a bus or whatever people used to say before the Outbreak.” Ellie whispered and as soon as it slipped off her lips, the feeling of incompleteness washed over her. 

Joel used to say that, Ellie added to herself, glancing down at her hand. She couldn’t share it with Abby, not in the way she wanted to. 

The nonchalant comment earned a snort from Abby, far more than what Ellie expected. She stared at the window and kept her lips sealed. Never heard that one before, sounds better than being stuck in a cell.

Abby’s palms slid back and forth over her goosebump-ridden thighs. She eyed the violet bruising and the streaks of fire seared into her skin.

I should be dead.

Abby eased her way off the bed and her bare feet slid across the floor until she came to a stop at the table. Beaten and bruised, she swayed on her feet underneath Ellie’s stare. She checked the clothes, smoothing the fabric between her fingers. 

Good enough, she thought. 

In silence, Abby yanked her underwear up her thighs and shimmied into a black sports bra. She donned black cargo pants and pulled a dark grey henley over her head. She packed her bag in silence. All the while, she felt Ellie’s eyes on every inch of her skin.

She dangled her black boots by their laces in one hand. Keeping her eyes on the floor, she walked over to the bed, earning a squeak from it as she sat. The boots dropped between her knees and smacked against the floor. She slouched forward with her forearms on her thighs and breathed out.

Ellie eased herself off the bed and followed her lead. Abby watched the girl in motion and her eyes tracked over her slender yet sheer muscle under the skin. Her mouth went dry at Ellie turning—A glimpse of a breast, then black and blue down the side of her ribs, curving into her spine.

She swallowed, watching Ellie sift through her belongings on the table. Abby caught the Hamsa bracelet, hanging off her right wrist.

Then she saw forest brown eyes squeezing shut. 

Have you heard?

The jealousy turned her stomach and she tried to quell it, but it surged. She shut her eyes and whispered, “Fuck.”

If this is wrong, then it wouldn’t be the first time I’m wrong.

Her eyes drank Ellie in. The questions ran through her mind, uninterrupted.

How many times has she seen you like this? A glimpse of Ellie in the Seattle apartment—Bare-chested and eyes void of all sense, straddling her and grinding against her through denim like there’d be no tomorrow. And like that?

How long were you with her? She could feel the grip of the knife in one hand and in the other, a fistful of Dina’s soft hair. Ellie, unable to move, begging Abby from the floor to stop.

Did I ruin it? She remembered Dina standing in front of her on the porch as the snow fell, the only warmth from her gloved hands on Abby’s bare shoulders as she seemed to memorize her face. Of course, I did. She said you left her to hunt me.

Do you know she kissed me that night? She went forward in time, remembering how Dina’s hand fell on her own and kept her voice low, hidden by the crackling of the bonfire. Abby met Ellie’s hardened stare only for Dina to realize who was looking at them and retreating quickly.

Do you know why she kissed me? Recalling mere moments after, Abby remembered Dina’s gloved thumb tracing the scar she gave her in the theater, followed by Dina’s unholy admission and a test they both agreed to pass.

You didn’t tell her you left, why? Ellie’s words ran through Abby’s mind, “She thinks I’m a cold-blooded killer... I am”

So am I, Abby thought, swallowing hard. And maybe I won’t live to ask you all of these questions. Maybe you won’t live to answer them. No…

Ellie slid a pair of blue boyshorts up her sore legs and stretched a grey sports bra over her head. As soon as she pulled on her bra, Abby asked, “Have you thought about it?”

Ellie froze and her eyes honed in on the other woman. Abby stared at the floor, rubbing the inside of her wrist in firm circles. 

“About what?”

Abby raised her head, smokey blue eyes boring into Ellie. “What happens if one of us dies?”

Ellie drew in a breath and the words slid through clenched teeth, a familiar feeling taking her over. “I don’t plan on dying.”

A taunting scoff slipped off Abby’s lips and she kept her voice low and soft. “You think I plan on dying? No one plans on dying.”

Abby watched as Ellie’s loose hands balled into fists. A flush of heat flowered beneath the skin of her neck. 

“What do you fucking want, Abby?” Ellie asked, her voice thin just like her patience.

Abby stopped ahead, sucking down a breath as she watched Ellie turn her back to her. The redhead picked up a pair of black jeans.

Ellie’s head started to pound and she dropped the jeans, braced herself on the table, blowing out a trembling breath. Her lips frowned and she squeezed her eyes shut. Behind her, Abby watched as Ellie shook her head and picked up the jeans again.

I won’t let you do this to me again, Ellie thought. She tried to smother the rage, but it soared to the surface and flushed her face red. 

Ellie swiveled around, leaning back against the table and putting her feet through the sleeves of the jeans. She slipped the jeans over her hips. Her chest heaved and her eyes bore holes into Abby’s face.

Abby’s words spilled out her mouth fast and quiet and she braced herself for the answer. “What about Dina?”

Like a blow to the stomach, it knocked the air out of Ellie’s chest. Losing her balance, she braced herself on the table and gasped. She saw Dina under the glaring light of high noon, pinning a sky blue blanket to the clothesline. Dina turned to face her, revealing JJ swaddled close to her chest.

The last time Abby asked that question, the stakes were lower. An in-and-out job, grab Ellie and come home. 

In the fire of Ellie’s eyes, she knew this time, the question was different.

Ellie glanced at the Hamsa bracelet hanging off her wrist. She remembered Dina in Abby’s arms with a knife at her throat and everything was red.

She saw red, so much red and so much of the red coated her hands. The red crusted beneath her fingernails and stained the fine grooves of her fingertips. The red wasn’t hers. Ellie couldn’t remember their names if she tried. 

“Say her fucking name again!” Ellie shouted, snatching up the revolver and aiming it at Abby. “I swear to fucking God—” 

Ellie’s piercing green eyes held no bloodlust, but burning conviction. The revolver trembled in her hand, existing as less of a weapon and more of a shield.

“Put it down,” Abby whispered. 

“Fuck that and you, Abby!” Ellie snarled.

Abby stood up and watched Ellie adjust her aim to the prize right between her eyes.

She counted the foot falls in her head.

One, two, three, four, five—and stopped at an arm’s length in front of Ellie. 

Ellie’s hand only shook harder. 

“Don’t.” Abby whispered, shaking her head and keeping her eyes locked on Ellie’s face. Softer, she begged. "Please.”

“Don’t fucking what? ” Ellie’s blistering cold retort nestled in Abby’s bones. 

“Don’t...” Abby breathed in. “Don’t treat me like an enemy.”

The words turned Ellie’s face to stone and still, the revolver in her hand shook. 

Not my enemy because we—

Ellie closed her eyes as her mind played flashbacks of Abby’s lips on hers and the way her body slid against hers. Shame stung like a bullet and embarrassment made her stomach drop. She adjusted her clammy grip on the gun and anger flooded Abby’s face.

“If you’re gonna treat me like an enemy, then hold that gun steady and don’t you dare flinch when you pull the trigger!” Abby spat.

Ellie felt the immediate wave of nausea at the thought of Abby crumbling to the ground. The revolver dropped out of Ellie’s hand, clattering on the floor. She sucked in a trembling breath, staring at her inherited item on the floor.

In the silence, Ellie thought of Dina. The words played back in her head, the fury and the disgust written all over the mother’s face.

“You couldn’t fucking stop, not even for me—You’re a cold-blooded killer!”

Her eyes left the revolver and found Abby’s steel blue eyes. She remembered Abby’s hands, squeezing the life out of her in the theater. 

Those goddamn hands, Ellie thought back to Abby working the shampoo into her hair back in Salt Lake. And in Seattle, Abby’s fingertips sliding along her stomach.

“Lost your nerve, Ellie?” Abby leaned closer. “Thought you were better than that.”

“No.” Ellie whispered hoarsely. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from Abby’s face. The room closed in on her.

“Pick that fucking revolver up and aim right here—” Abby pointed between her eyebrows, watching as Ellie’s eyes followed her finger. “Come on. Squeeze that trigger, go home to Jackson and curl up in her bed like you were supposed to.”

“I chose her over you, twice, Abby!” Ellie gasped out between breaths. She steadied herself, lowering her voice to a dangerous rasp. “Make it fucking count for something.”

You still love her. Abby thought, watching the emotions war on Ellie’s face. Her stomach flipped. 

“Your answer doesn’t make me happy,” Abby whispered.

“Yeah, well, the thought of your death doesn’t make me fucking happy either!” Ellie retorted. 

Abby breathed in, staring at Ellie. It’s the truth. She’s had so many chances to kill me.

“Ellie…” Abby sighed.

“Just fucking say it.” Ellie whispered. 

Abby closed her eyes, tried to work around the dryness in her throat. Two more steadying breaths and the words crawled into her throat.

“Remember what I said to you in the forest... before we got captured?” Abby whispered back. No longer balanced, Abby teetered. Her palm smoothed over her messy, blonde braid, down over the nape of her neck and applied a firm, distracting pressure. 

Ellie closed her eyes and the smell of incoming rain, tart soil and crisp pine needles flooded her mind. The hair on the back of her neck stood up, thinking about the rumbling trucks.

Ellie opened her eyes and nodded at Abby. 

“Yeah, you said,” Ellie paused, remembering Abby’s eyes, made of blue stone. “ May your survival be long .” 

“Say it again.” Abby whispered, crossed her arms and kicked at the floor with a nervous foot. Her eyes were vacant, as if she were somewhere else.  

“May your survival be long.” Ellie breathed out, agitated. 

Abby breathed in. “And may my death be swift.” 

“Your death?” Ellie scoffed. 

“It’s something we used to say to each other…”  

…For protection, for luck, for morale, Abby reached to touch the wolf fang that hung from her neck on a thin, black leather strap.

Fucking Wolves , Ellie thought, watching Abby’s fingers release the pendant and smooth over her blonde hair. Suddenly, Ellie couldn’t remember if Abby wore that same necklace in the theater. She couldn’t trust her memory. 

Abby’s vacant blue eyes swept the room in front of her, never staying in one place for long. The silence grew louder than the cries of anyone they’ve killed.

It’s like... Ellie’s voice cracked as she spoke. “When you’re lost in the darkness...” 

“Look for the light. ” Abby finished. She closed the distance between them, leaned in towards Ellie, thought better of it and reeled back, casting her eyes on the floor. 

“Look, I—” Abby paused, catching the skin of the inside of her cheek between her teeth, then she released the tension in her jaw. She looked up, her eyes jumping from Ellie’s left eye to the right eye and back again. She stared at her, catching the ghost of a sniffle. 

I hate it when you cry.

As soon as the thought ran through her mind, Abby’s lips parted, then closed as she took two paces backwards, widening the space between them.

Ellie fixated on Abby, taking note of the way her chest rose and fell unevenly, strands framing her face and cutting through her teary blue eyes like gold wire. 

Finally, Ellie asked. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” 

Abby breathed in, then finally, the words rose in her throat, spilled off her lips like sickness. “You have to go back.”

The answer sucked all of the air out of Ellie’s lungs, but still, Ellie fought back, her face flushing red. “Abby, I’m not fucking going anywhere!” 

Abby’s silence spun the room, making Ellie’s head pound. Under Ellie’s eyes, she was no longer the Wolf bathed in red in the theater. Abby was the deer, frozen in surrender. 

The memory of Natalie on top of Ellie, hands as tight as a noose. Abby’s hand clasped around her throat, a wince crossing her face as she let her hand drop to her side. “I... I have to protect you.”

“I don’t need your fucking protection, Abby!” Ellie growled. 

“You don’t fucking get it!” Abby yelled. “After all this goddamn time, you still don’t get it!”  

Ellie pushed herself off the table, leering. “So fucking explain it to me, Abby!” 

Abby reached out and snatched Ellie’s wrist and twisted it. Ellie gasped and hissed as Abby dragged her two fingers over the tattooed and disfigured skin. The hair on the back of Ellie’s neck raised up and her heart banged on the inside of her chest like a drum. 

“It’s here, isn’t it?” Abby whispered, her storming blue eyes scanning the tattoo. Her eyes flickered up to Ellie’s eyes, watching the pupils flood the green, certain that the adrenaline was surging through her veins. “This was your first bite. You covered it up.” 

“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” Ellie panted out, pulling away,  but Abby didn’t let go.  

“You know who died for this?” Abby shouted, dragging her in close. The tips of their noses touched and two survivors panted, fight or flight surging like a wave between them. “My dad died for this!” 

Abby let go and Ellie recoiled. The seconds that ticked by felt like hours. Their breaths hung in the air, heavy and charged like a live wire.

Abby wondered for what reason the words slipped from her mouth and found the answer in the way Ellie’s hand trembled at her side.

Punishment, she thought.

She took into it her own hands, sharpened it until it was good enough, then she cut herself deeply, not realizing she was cutting Ellie open, too. 

Abby swallowed her shame as Ellie dropped her eyes to the floor. She watched her rub the tattooed skin of her forearm. It burned from Abby’s grip. 

If the truth was a coin, Abby knew that keeping Ellie alive was only one side of it. The other half is what Abby struggled to express. The words were right there on the tip of her tongue. Not knowing how many chances she had left to say them only left her not wanting to speak them at all.

What fucking difference would it make now? Abby thought, glancing at the tattoo and the hand that rubbed it. Her eyes tracked up to Ellie’s braid, then past it to the glimpse of scar tissue between her neck and shoulder.

In the back of her head, Ellie saw her first ghost. Riley’s bloodshot eyes staring into her own. The grunts echoing on the inside of her mind. Ellie breathed in and squeezed her forearm, ignoring the trembling of her right hand.

Abby only doubled down. “You can’t die here.” 

Ellie didn’t hear Abby. She saw the pistol, shivering in her hand as Riley snarled at her and took a step forward.

“Hey! You hear me, Ellie?” Abby snapped. The sound of her name pulled Ellie back into the present. Ellie stared at Abby as she spoke again. “You can’t die here ”

Ellie kept her eyes on the floor and whispered, “I never asked for this shit.”  

Abby inhaled. I can’t fight her on that. I won’t. She didn’t know.

Ellie only raised her eyes to Abby without words. Seconds ticked by and Ellie’s face flashed through different emotions, emotions Abby didn’t think either of them could handle. Once again, she named them.

Betrayal, confusion, helplessness, grief, disappointment, anguish, anger, so much anger—

Then Ellie’s voice shook with rage, “Last night, you said you wouldn’t leave me.” 

“Ellie, I—” Abby shook her head. The dream flashed in her mind.

“You fucking said you wouldn’t! ” Ellie shouted, shoving Abby and the blonde rocked on her heels to regain balance. “So fucking don’t!” 

“Do you want to fucking die here?” Abby retorted. Her fists balled up at her sides. “That’s what you fucking want, right? That’s why you left! You fucking said it yourself, so say it again!” 

The words were enough to make Ellie flinch and kill the volume. Her voice wavered and she glared at Abby as she hissed, “I never asked you to fucking come after me in the first place.” 

In a cold whisper, Abby replied, “Someone had to.” 

“You didn’t.” Ellie’s voice stretched thin. “You don’t get to decide my life is fucking valuable.” 

“But it is!” Abby argued back.  

“To who? ” Ellie yelled back, gesturing with her hand. “Fucking who, Abby? The Fireflies are fucking gone!” 

Abby heard it in the way Ellie named her previous group—Hope cracking down the middle like Ellie’s voice, a fissure between what everything could’ve been and what it now was.

Abby softened, dropping her shoulders as the tears welled up in Ellie’s eyes. 

We’re the same, Abby thought. Two sides of the same goddamn coin.

Without words, she reached out and cradled Ellie’s face in both of her hands, crushing her mouth to hers. Ellie’s hands pushed and clawed at Abby’s chest in miserable surrender. She protested with a weak moan, feeling her legs go weak. Abby bit her bottom lip with a pleading hum and Ellie gave herself over, opening her mouth. 

Abby devoured her, sliding her tongue inside Ellie’s mouth. She felt a warm tear slide into her hand, then another and another. She used her thumbs, smearing them away. Abby retreated only to suck on her bottom lip, seize it between her teeth and bite down hard enough for Ellie to moan back. All the while, Abby held her still, relishing as she took all of Ellie in.

Abby broke the wet kiss. Her eyes lingered on Ellie’s flushed cheeks stained with tears, her swollen, pink lips and last, but never least, her eyes, the black flooding the green and gold of her irises. One hand moved to cradle the back of her head and the other fell to land on her waist. Abby pulled her closer, the frayed fabric of her shirt tickled the skin of Ellie’s bare stomach. 

Ellie sucked in a breath and stiffened as Abby’s cheek pressed to her own. Lightheaded and wet between her thighs, she listened as the renegade wet her lips so closely to her ear. She just knew the blonde was stalling, trying to keep the moment and the feeling enduring. 

On the heels of a trembling breath, Abby answered Ellie’s question. “...To me, Ellie, immune or not.” 

Ellie swallowed hard, shutting her eyes. She knew just what Abby meant and it made her heart pound. Her mind drained of all reason, guilt blurring away.

Another tear breached, trailing down Ellie’s cheek and sliding into Abby’s hand, only to be smeared away by a gentle thumb. Abby pulled away from Ellie’s ear, searching for face for a sign.

“Look at me, Ellie,” Abby breathed out. Ellie’s eyes fluttered open.

“Yeah, that’s it.” Abby whispered as Ellie‘s hazy eyes stared back into hers. “You see me?”

“Uh-huh,” Ellie whispered back.

“You hear me?” Abby asked, smearing away another tear.

Ellie nodded.

“Tell me,” Abby urged, her voice thick with desperation.

“I hear you,” Ellie whispered hoarsely, goosebumps pebbling on her skin.

Abby’s hands dropped from her face and slid over Ellie’s bruised skin, fingertips dragging over the grooves between her ribs and hooking underneath her sports bra. She peeled it upwards and over Ellie’s head and shoulders, discarding it to the floor. 

From there, her palms traveled up over her breasts, thumbs tracing over her hardened nipples.

“You feel me?” Abby asked.

Ellie shivered and bit her lip to quell a moan. “Yeah.”

Abby’s firm hands slid up Ellie’s neck to finally rest on her flushed cheeks. She tilted Ellie’s head and stared into her bleary eyes.

“Don’t waste my goddamn time, Ellie.” Abby whispered. “I don’t know how much I have left.”

Goosebumps rose all over Ellie’s skin from her words. Before she could answer, Abby followed up by pressing her mouth to hers. A guttural moan breached from the back of Abby’s throat at the contact, making Ellie’s legs buckle. 

The two women spiraled into each other. They traded wet, rushed kisses, panting as they broke away only to collide again, moans muffled by the other’s mouth. They clawed at each other, digging fingernails into the other woman’s skin. 

Every kiss became amplified, more demanding and more desperate than the last. They kissed like they fought—Abby’s advances were deliberate, strategic and offensive while Ellie’s kisses were explosive, reckless and reactive. 

Barely breaking the kiss, Abby removed her shirt and sports bra, tossing them to the floor. In the dim room, Ellie took in the red veins of her lightning scar, dazed.

Ellie’s calloused fingertips dragged along Abby’s bruised skin and the muscles of her stomach flexed and caved beneath her touch. Abby shivered as Ellie’s warm tongue slid against hers.  

Abby gripped Ellie’s braid, coaxing her head back and dragged her lips across Ellie’s jaw. 

“Fuck…” Ellie moaned.

Above the scar tissue of Ellie’s damning bite, Abby placed her mouth on Ellie’s neck and took the skin between her teeth. In return, Ellie dug her fingernails into Abby’s sides, gasping, “Abby!” 

Abby’s other hand palmed Ellie’s breast, her thumb sliding over a hardened nipple and pinching until Ellie’s moan was held long like the sweetest note. 

Abby dropped to her knees, dragging the black jeans and underwear over Ellie’s bruised thighs and past her knees in a hurry. She gripped Ellie’s hips and as the tip of her tongue slowly traced over her clit, both women moaned.  

Abby wasted no time, tongue sliding against Ellie’s clit over and over, earning a gasp each time. Abby hummed and swirled her tongue around Ellie’s clit, drawing out sounds that she didn’t know Ellie was capable of making.

Ellie kicked out of her jeans and panties, gasping as Abby squeezed her hips, holding her steady. She threw her thigh over Abby’s shoulder and shuddered as Abby’s hands squeezed her behind. Her tongue sliding through Ellie’s folds, savoring the taste of her with long hums of her own. Frantic hands found themselves in Abby’s hair, fingers sliding over the braid and squeezing at the roots. 

The muscles in Ellie’s thighs seized once, then twice and she shuddered at the jolts of pleasure that followed it. Off the heels of a breathless sigh, the blonde’s name rolled off her tongue, “Abby, Abby, fuck, Abby...” 

I need you, Abby thought as her fingernails dug into the skin of Ellie’s hips. Abby’s lips latched onto her clit, tongue swirling in clockwise circles. She sighed over how swollen it was, over Ellie’s moans and hushed curses. 

“Abby—” Ellie broke off in a gasp, panting. The moans she made were a song of their own, broken by hitching breaths and soft whimpers. For every blink, a tear sliding down her flushed cheeks. A flare of heat spiraled out from the pit of her belly, stoked with each wet suck.  

“Abby, come on, please… ” Ellie gasped. “I’m close….”

Abby moaned and sucked slowly. Ellie’s legs started to tremble and she panted. Her heart told that she was on fire. Her eyes told her it was because of Abby.

Ellie held her head in place, hips jutting forward against Abby’s mouth without a thought. Abby held her steady, humming at Ellie’s whimpers and the muscles in her thigh seizing against her shoulder. 

Ellie’s hands gripped Abby’s braid at the roots, urging her closer. The room blurred from the tears brimming her eyes. The tension stretched thin in the pit of her stomach and Ellie let her head fall back with a moan that hurt to hold in. 

She flowed over Abby’s tongue with a scream and Abby moaned with her lips flush against her throbbing skin. A gasp slipped off Ellie’s lips for each following wave pulling her under. Abby felt the scrape of Ellie’s nails against her scalp as she squeezed the roots of her hair harder, rocking her hips. 

Abby’s fingers dug into her thighs and she kept her mouth open as she let Ellie ride her climax out until the stuttering curses rolled off her tongue like water. Abby cherished Ellie, savored her. 

“Goddamn, Abby…” Ellie panted out. 

“I’m sorry,” Abby gasped against her thigh. Her lips dragged against the soft skin. “I’m so sorry.” 

Ellie panted and her leg slipped off Abby’s shoulder as Abby pulled away. Her legs buckled and Abby held her by the hips.

“I'm sorry.” Abby repeated, tilting her head and letting the tip of her nose brush against Ellie’s clit. The gesture only made Ellie shiver. Her heavy-lidded eyes trailed the room. The room no longer belonged to anyone, but a thought crossed her mind as Abby’s uneven breaths tickled her.

Nothing belongs to anyone, not anymore… but I…

The thought blurred away and Abby took her face in her hands. Ellie opened her mouth, letting her in again. Ellie leaned in, ready to spiral, ready to surrender, but Abby steered her, breaking the kiss.

“Slow,” Abby breathed. “Slow…”

Abby went in again, sighing at Ellie’s fingers trailing over her skin. She deepened the kiss, fingers sneaking underneath cherry strands. She slid her tongue inside Ellie’s mouth and tried to memorize this moment, this feeling and the soft moan Ellie made when she was giving herself over.

When Abby broke away, she prayed that this kiss wasn’t one of the last.

Notes:

Who missed me? I said I'd update and this is a smooth 25 pages. Unfortunately, I had a lot going on in my life over the last several months, but I never stopped thinking about this story and where I wanted it to go. So much in fact that Knife Prty is my most played song on Spotify.

I promise you that you would never hear this song the same after reading this chapter. It's my *favorite* Deftones song, a fantastic deep cut. White Pony is my favorite Deftones album, they're in my top 3 bands. Please give this song and this band a listen. "Oooh, I could float here forever," is one of my favorite lyrics of all time. Holyyyyy fuck.

I love all the little call-backs I get to do, showing where Abby and Ellie sometimes regress back to their former selves. Healing isn't linear. I love Abby's answer to Ellie's second, "I don't play on dying." This time, Ellie gets the perfect response and she's ready to fight back, but she's caught off guard. I really was on the fence about throwing Dina in as a reminder, as Abby's suggested motive to return, but it really is a perfect parallel for Ellie leaving her a couple years back.

I'm thinking about doing a thorough "director's cut" of this fic, writing in some more stuff and ultimately lengthening and building more tension around it. But that's where I'm at.

Hopefully you all are staying safe out in this crazy world. I won't be gone for too long. This is my OTP like we used to say back then! See you at the finish line!

Kudos and comments keep the author alive! And speaking of—410 Kudos, 231 comments, 16K hits? Thank you so much! I've read a lot of the comments already, I really appreciate the lover! I'll definitely director's cut this one.

Love you and see you at the finish line! And... welcome back, Part I!

P.S.: Apparently AOOO still has a grudge against subtitles, maybe it's because I'm not writing in the chapter text, rather copying and pasting. I'll go in and clean it up if it comes out weird. :(