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Late one evening Zhao Yunlan went across the hall and knocked on Shen Wei’s door.
It was kind of ridiculous, but even now, several weeks after Shen Wei had reluctantly agreed to consult for the SID, Zhao Yunlan still didn’t have any way of contacting him other than via his university office phone. Shen Wei didn’t have a mobile phone, nor a home phone number, and Zhao Yunlan was pretty sure the grotesque antique in Shen Wei’s apartment was purely decorative.
Earlier Zhao Yunlan had gotten a call from Lin Jing, eager to tell him that the murder weapon was definitely not a letter opener at all, but a cut down piece of something else - ‘made of something really cool, Boss, with the weirdest properties’ - but before he could really start speculating Zhao Yunlan had cut him off, telling him to pack it up for the night and go home.
But he was going to have to ask Shen Wei to come around to the SID in the morning to check it out.
All Zhao Yunlan had to do was knock on his door and talk to him face to face. It wasn’t even that late for a neighborly call. Certainly not too late for a work-related one. Though Zhao Yunlan had to confess he didn’t really know what kind of hours Shen Wei kept.
It wouldn’t be that hard. It was just a bit awkward right now, that was all.
It took a little time for the door to open.
“Zhao Yunlan?” Shen Wei was in a bathrobe, and Zhao Yunlan felt a twinge of guilt at getting him out of bed. “What is it? Is something wrong?”
He didn’t open the door wider, and he didn’t automatically back up to let Zhao Yunlan in. He just stood there, with serious eyes and his brows knit in slight alarm, blocking entry into his apartment.
Shen Wei’s bathrobe was blue and made of something like thin cotton. It clung. It clung so that Zhao Yunlan couldn’t help but notice that Shen Wei was naked under the robe. That was so unlike the overdressed, straitlaced Shen Wei he thought he knew that it temporarily struck him dumb, even as his observational brain went into overdrive. She Wei’s hair was mussed. He wasn’t wearing his glasses. He must have been in bed. Or maybe in the shower? No, he wasn’t damp.
Shen Wei’s look of alarm had increased. Zhao Yunlan made himself stop staring and forced himself back to his reason for calling. “No, no, nothing wrong. Just, something came up at the SID tonight.”
“Do you need me to come in with you?” Shen Wei asked sharply. “Give me a moment and I’ll get dressed.”
“No need, no need! Not tonight anyway, but hey, tomorrow? If you don’t have a morning class? Or maybe later in the afternoon? It’s just something that Lin Jing found, well, actually, Lao Chu found it, but Lin Jing has been checking it out and he called and it’s not Haixing material, so perhaps you could take a look?”
But all the while Zhao Yunlan babbled on, his sharp eyes took in everything he could. It was a habit both professional and personal. He didn’t have that many chances to find out more about Shen Wei.
The apartment, as seen over Shen Wei’s shoulder, seemed as pristine as he remembered. The books and papers on the desk were neatly stacked. The bookcase lights were off, but he could see the low table in the alcove with a tea set that hadn’t been there before. He added that to his mental logbook.
“I don’t have any classes in the morning,” Shen Wei was saying. “I’ll be happy to go to the SID and examine your artifact.”
The bathrobe was very thin. Shen Wei didn’t look embarrassed, to be standing nearly naked in near public. He didn’t look welcoming either. He just looked — a little stressed.
There was a slight noise from inside the apartment. Shen Wei’s eyes flicked briefly toward the closed bedroom door and then back, so fast that Zhao Yunlan almost missed it. And he would have, had he not been training himself for weeks now to notice every minute twitch of Shen Wei’s handsome, bland face, searching for any possible hint of what went on behind it.
There was someone in Shen Wei’s bedroom, and Shen Wei didn’t want Zhao Yunlan to know it.
Zhao Yunlan’s first thought, in the throes of shock and embarrassment, was to make a joke about Shen Wei finally getting laid. Thankfully his second thought was milliseconds after that one. Adult Zhao Yunlan firmly stifled Asshole Zhao Yunlan and took control.
“Okay. Thanks. So, uh, tomorrow morning - ah?” He stuttered to a halt as Adult Zhao Yunlan failed him. He stared stupidly over Shen Wei’s shoulder again, unable to figure out how to go on.
Because recently, occasionally, on mornings when Shen Wei had later classes, or planned to go in with Zhao Yunlan to SID, he would come over to Zhao Yunlan’s apartment and make them both congee for breakfast. It was perfectly understandable why he preferred Zhao Yunlan’s properly equipped kitchen to his own closet-sized one. It didn’t mean much. And he always asked if it was okay with Zhao Yunlan, and he was always perfectly, agonizingly, polite about it.
Shen Wei clung to the door handle, the little line of stress between his eyes deepening. Zhao Yunlan fidgeted his hands in his pockets. His eyes met Shen Wei’s, but that only froze them both in place. Again.
Shen Wei looked down and blinked a couple of times, then visibly came to a decision.
“May I ask a favor of you, Zhao Yunlan?” His bland Professor Shen mask slipped into place. “I have a guest staying with me.” He looked back at the closed door, deliberately obvious this time. “I hope it wouldn’t be imposing if I brought them with me tomorrow and made breakfast for all of us.”
Zhao Yunlan gratefully grabbed at that concession, a tiny victory. If only Shen Wei didn’t look so... uncertain about it.
“Sure, no problem. I look forward to it. See you then. Good night,” Zhao Yunlan didn’t linger for any further awkwardness, but fled back across the hall to his own apartment before Shen Wei had closed his own door.
He puttered around his apartment, restless and off-balance, poking at the incident like a sore tooth.
It shouldn’t bother him so much. So Shen Wei had a hot date, what was so upsetting about that? Zhao Yunlan had thought more than once that Shen Wei needed someone in his life. Or maybe this was just a casual hookup? Well, then Shen Wei needed that too.
Shen Wei + casual hookup. That really didn’t sound right.
But Zhao Yunlan had teased him enough, in earlier days, about Shen Wei being the heartthrob of Dragon City University, so was he really now unhappy to be proved right?
And it wasn’t like he had any interest in Shen Wei for himself.
So it must be that it was Shen Wei’s old-fashioned courtesy, protecting the privacy of whoever was in the bedroom. That sounded very like him. Zhao Yunlan elaborated on the plausibility of this theory while he got ready for bed. Since Shen Wei was the caretaker of his students, what was more likely than someone in trouble had come to him for help? Someone kicked out of their dorm perhaps, from a bad roommate situation. Zhao Yunlan could imagine one of those students tearily pleading with the compassionate Professor Shen to help her (it would of course be a her) escape the situation. And Shen Wei would take care of her, make her tea, listen carefully, let her sleep in his bed and make sure she was comfortable, and then Shen Wei would have gone to sleep on the couch.
The more he thought about it the more likely that explanation appeared. He was sure he’d glimpsed the couch through that ugly room divider. Wasn’t there a rumpled blanket tossed onto it? Shen Wei was just being himself, being perfectly kind and trying not to embarrass his guest. He wasn’t hiding anything. Or not hiding anything more than usual.
And even if Shen Wei didn’t want him to know about it, there was nothing significant about that. It was just Shen Wei: he was made of secrets. Just because Zhao Yunlan knew his biggest secret didn’t mean he was going to learn all the others.
If Shen Wei liked to sleep naked in a thin robe, well, that was his business. It was just an additional scrap of information about Shen Wei’s personal life that Zhao Yunlan could collect, and hoard, and never mind about why he hoarded those scraps so carefully.
Finally satisfied with his deductions, Zhao Yunlan fell asleep.
-------
The next morning Zhao Yunlan rolled out of bed and made some effort to tidy up his apartment. It wasn’t as bad as it had been weeks ago, before Shen Wei had made his overnight cleanup sweep. But that had been a one-time thing, and Zhao Yunlan had gotten defensive when Shen Wei obliquely hinted at a repeat. Shen Wei didn’t mention it again. He just cleaned up space in the kitchen to make them breakfast, while Zhao Yunlan tried not to notice how his shoulders pulled in and his mouth turned down.
Well, the poor kid Shen Wei was bringing over probably deserved to see something less slovenly. Zhao Yunlan had time to pick up his dirty clothes from where they had missed the end of the bed, rinse a pot he had been using the last few days, and hide the ones he didn’t wash. He checked the time. Okay, so Shen Wei was going to be late. The distressed student’s problems, of course, he thought. Shen Wei was probably giving her (yes, her, certainly) good advice and making sure she had a place to go later.
Really, if Shen Wei didn’t show up soon Zhao Yunlan was going to have to go across the hall and remind him.
He had thought about pressing a spare key on Shen Wei but it never seemed to be the right moment. If it ever would be, because it just felt, somehow, that it would be out of line. Inappropriate. Presuming. As if that would be treating the Black-Cloaked Envoy, of all people, as his housekeeper. Or something.
When he finally opened his door the person with Shen Wei was not what he expected.
“Ah, Zhao Yunlan, this is an old classmate of mine, Chen Gaohuan.”
Chen Gaohuan was tall and broad-shouldered, with a handsome, cheerful face now creased with an apologetic smile. He put out his hand and Zhao Yunlan took it automatically as his brain began frantically rewriting all his former hypotheses.
“Zhao Yunlan, so pleased to meet you. Shen-dage has told me what a good friend you have been to him.”
Shen-dage? Zhao Yunlan felt even more off-balance. Who gets to call Shen Wei that?
“Please, come in.” Zhao Yunlan remembered his manners. Shen Wei sidled past him and headed for the kitchen.
“But it’s Chief Zhao, isn’t it? Shen Wei has told me about his consulting job with the local police.”
“Uh, yes. Sometimes we need expert opinions on evidence. Professor Shen has been very helpful.”
Zhao Yunlan cast a glance at Shen Wei, who was hunting for something amid the chaos on the kitchen counter. He thought he heard a soft huff of amusement.
Zhao Yunlan hiked himself onto a kitchen stool and gestured Chen Gaohuan toward the sofa.
“Let me apologize for intruding on you like this, Chief Zhao,” he began. “I’m applying for a post at Dragon City University as a lecturer. Shen-dage has been kind enough to recommend me.”
Shen Wei looked up and over at Zhao Yunlan. “He will be staying with me for a few days while he attends interviews.” He went back to slicing the pickled vegetables.
Of course Shen Wei would be generous to an old classmate. He shouldn’t be so surprised. Shen Wei might be one of Dixing’s co-rulers, but he had a life in Haixing before meeting Zhao Yunlan. It wasn’t like he wasn’t allowed to have friends.
“So, you were students together?”
“Yes, roommates too, for a while. In our first year we found we were taking the same courses. It made sense to double up and study together.”
“Roommates,” Zhao Yunlan echoed.
“Well, the Bio-Engineering double major was such a small department that all of us students practically lived on top of each other.” Chen Gaohuan grinned fondly in Shen Wei’s direction. “But Shen-ge was too brilliant to stay long with us juniors. He was a teaching assistant before the rest of our class managed to pass the second year.”
Chen Gaohuan was charming, Zhao Yunlan had to admit. He had an easy, comfortable air, and an infectious grin. His eyes lit up when he saw Zhao Yunlan’s motorcycle gear where it lay crammed behind the punching bag.
“Chief Zhao, do you ride? You have a motorcycle?”
“Yeah. You too?”
“I’ve picked it up again after being too busy these last few years. I finally got myself a 650 street bike.”
“Nice. Where do you ride?” He had no trouble picturing Chen Gaohuan on one of those big sport touring bikes.
“Nowhere yet. But someday I’d like to ride in the northwest mountains. I hear there are some great curves.”
“Oh, man, the roads are pretty wild in parts up there. Bad pavement, gravel on the shoulders, you name it. But yeah, what a place to ride!” The two of them grinned at each other in shared enthusiasm.
Shen Wei dished out the congee and they all sat down to eat.
“Shen-ge, wanna come ride with me when I get my bike here? Like old times.”
Zhao Yunlan did not choke on his congee, but it was a near thing.
“Remember that time you leaned the wrong way and made us slide out right in front of old Professor Chang? You scared him so much the poor guy retired the next week!”
“I promise I won’t do that again.”
Zhao Yunlan had never imagined Shen Wei wanting to ride with him. Now that he could picture it he wondered why. It would have been fun. He could have just asked him, but now...
The tiny tick of unhappiness lurking in his chest was small and petty and easily ignored.
Chen Gaohuan looked up and nudged Shen Wei with his elbow. “Shen-ge, I have to ask, when did you learn to cook?”
Shen Wei looked embarrassed. “It’s nothing,” he murmured.
“You didn’t know Shen Wei can cook?”
Chen Gaohuan laughed. “When we were roommates, even a rice cooker was beyond him.”
“Get him to make you dinner while you’re here.” Zhao Yunlan was happy to tout Shen Wei’s abilities. “See what he’s learned to do since.”
“I’ll make you both dinner,” Shen Wei said suddenly. He looked up and caught Zhao Yunlan’s eye. “If you will let me use your kitchen.”
“Certainly, no problem,” Zhao Yunlan said decisively. “How about next weekend? After the interviews?”
Chen Gaohuan nodded. “I’ll clean your apartment for you, Shen-ge, so you won’t be bothered. I’ll even pick up my clothes!”
Shen Wei snorted at that and they all laughed, Zhao Yunlan as well, ignoring a spasm of some questionable feeling.
After breakfast was over Zhao Yunlan met Shen Wei and Chen Gaohuan in the hall. “Would you like a ride to the university? It’s not out of our way.”
“No, no, thank you, I have interviews later today and I have to prepare. I’ll get a taxi later. Wish me luck Shen-ge!”
Something then made Zhao Yunlan say, “I’m glad to see that Professor Shen has such good taste!”
Chen Gaohuan looked baffled for a moment, then chuckled uncertainly. Shen Wei’s face fell.
Zhao Yunlan mentally kicked himself and wondered where Adult Zhao Yunlan had gone. He plowed on regardless. “When I thought Professor Shen’s guest was a female student I was wondering if I would have to cover for him with the chancellor’s office. Swear that he slept on the couch. Nothing scandalous. Now I don’t have to worry!”
“I tried sleeping on that couch and Shen-ge wouldn’t hear of it!” Chen Gaohuan grinned at Shen Wei.
A tiny smile pulled at the corner of Shen Wei’s mouth. Zhao Yunlan knew that smile: the one of secret, shared amusement.
No doubt somewhere in the universe there was a world where this awkward incident would then have run its familiar, even banal, course: misunderstanding: Shen Wei taking care of distressed friend/student, he slept on the sofa. Segue. Laughs all around.
But this was Zhao Yunlan’s life, and it had never been a comedy.
When Chen Gaohuan excused himself and disappeared into the apartment Shen Wei and Zhao Yunlan headed for the stairs.
They had not even gone as far as the end of the hall when Shen Wei halted. “Oh. Sorry, I’ve forgotten. There’s a paper I’ll need for this afternoon…I’ll just be a moment,” and he darted back into his apartment, leaving the door ajar. Zhao Yunlan lingered in the hall. When Shen Wei didn’t reappear immediately, he cast a glance through the doorway to see what was keeping him.
It was nothing, really.
Shen Wei was bending over his desk, leafing through the stack of papers there. Chen Gaohuan was next to him, one arm slung over Shen Wei’s shoulder. Their heads were very close. So close they could have been whispering together.
So. It was nothing.
Really.
-------
Shen Wei came out of his apartment still stuffing papers into his satchel and looking a bit flustered. By the time they got to the jeep, Zhao Yunlan’s vague disquiet about the morning had congealed into vague irritation. Shen Wei, by contrast, now looked quietly content.
The traffic was annoying; everyone this morning seemed to have forgotten how to drive. Zhao Yunlan fished in his pocket for a lollipop and unwrapped it one handed, steering with his knees and his free hand while swerving around yet another road boulder.
Shen Wei was giving him a look. He hated that look. It was such a mild, questioning, non-judgmental look. It made Zhao Yunlan squirm, and that made him want to say something to make Shen Wei stop giving him that look, and lately that was some dig or other at Shen Wei’s expense, and he hated himself when he did that.
If this had been - before - he would have made a joke about driving, and Shen Wei would have made some dry riposte with his look of suspicious innocence, and Zhao Yunlan would have known exactly where they stood. But now…
Things felt a little off. On the one hand, now that he was officially a consultant for the SID, however unwillingly persuaded, Shen Wei was the perfect colleague. Just as he was the perfect neighbor. Diligent, considerate, accommodating, polite. Very polite. And his attitude had rubbed off on Zhao Yunlan. It just didn’t seem appropriate to tease Shen Wei anymore, to flirt with… to pretend to flirt with him. Even though Shen Wei had seemed to like it.
But after the Black-Cloaked Envoy was forced to reveal himself it was clear to Zhao Yunlan that their relationship had cooled. The hinted feelings, the dim development of something more than friendship between them, all that seemed to have gotten lost.
Shen Wei had listened to him, then gone to the Haixing Inspectorate alone, and come back the SID’s official consultant. Zhao Yunlan had wanted it, but the way it happened seemed to have gone all wrong. Shen Wei had returned strained and unhappy and Zhao Yunlan had wished he could take back the whole suggestion. The closeness he had wanted to promote between the Lord Guardian and the Black-Cloaked Envoy had backfired.
And the man beside him, contained and calm, was now even further away, behind a wall Zhao Yunlan could neither fight against nor break.
-------
The artifact that so excited Lin Jing was not impressive. It was a long sliver of some dull metallic substance. It might have been shaped with an edge at one time, though now chipped and dull, but that hadn’t prevented it from being used as a weapon.
Shen Wei studied the artifact as it rested in clamps on the lab table.
“Don’t touch it,” Lin Jing started to say as Shen Wei hovered his finger just above the blade.
“No, I won’t. You say it was being used as a letter opener?”
“Well, yes, before it became a murder weapon.”
“There was something not right about where it was found,” Lin Jing went on. “And my dark energy detector was working okay and picked up -”
“Your detector is a piece of shit more often than not,” Zhao Yunlan broke in, trying not to glance at Shen Wei. “To get to the real point, this ‘letter opener’ started acting weird after the Dragon City police took it into evidence.”
As the three of them watched, the slim blade widened, grew a scalloped edge along one side, thickened, then abruptly collapsed back to the semblance of a letter opener.
“And then the DCPD freaked out and dumped it on us.”
“Ah. I see why you called me in. It does seem to have certain bio-mechanical properties.”
“Do you know of any material like this? Is it stable?”
“I’m not sure.” Shen Wei was very smooth. So smooth it was clear to Zhao Yunlan that he knew exactly what it was. “I’ll have to do some research work at the university library. I might be able to find out if it’s dangerous in its current state, as well as how to stabilize it safely.”
They all three looked at it.
“So, secure isolation then,” Lin Jing said finally, and sealed the harmless-looking little blade back in its box.
Afterward, driving Shen Wei back to DCU, Zhao Yunlan elaborated on the situation.
“It was a pretty plain case of unpremeditated murder. The suspect grabbed the first thing he could use, stabbed his gambling buddy, then went and turned himself in.”
“And he’s not from Dixing, or you would have notified me - differently.”
“No, he’s pure Haixingren. That’s not the problem. It’s a clear case for the DCPD. But if this thing is from Dixing…”
“It is.” Shen Wei paused. “But I haven’t seen its like for a long time.”
He had that distant look that Zhao Yunlan hated. It made him want to do something, anything, to keep Shen Wei from looking like that.
Shen Wei sighed, “It’s just a fragment. But it shouldn’t be here, outside of Dixing.”
“Ah.” Zhao Yunlan understood. “So there are other fragments? Here in Haixing?”
Shen Wei made a non-committal sound. He looked as though he were still remembering things he wished he weren’t.
“Maybe. It could be dangerous if any fragments like it interact with the Hallow Tools. I may need to...” he trailed off.
“I could try to activate the Dial and see if that will locate them!” Zhao Yunlan beamed a jokey grin at Shen Wei. “And then Hei Lao Ge won’t have to do a thing!”
Shen Wei stiffened. “Of course.” And he looked away out the window, silent and disapproving the rest of the way.
Damn. He’d screwed up again. It was the nickname that just came so easily. At first, it had been Zhao Yunlan’s attempt to lighten a mood that was way too solemn, then he felt it was a token of collegiality, of the growing easiness between them. He thought the Black-Cloaked Envoy actually liked it. But Shen Wei apparently didn’t.
-------
The next evening, coming home from the SID, he ran into Shen Wei at the entrance to the apartment building. Shen Wei was a bit subdued, and Zhao Yunlan couldn’t help but feel that he was still uncomfortable with him. When Shen Wei asked him if he could make breakfast again the following morning, Zhao Yunlan agreed, hoping for anything that could at least approximate their old relationship. Shen Wei brightened at that. “And Chen Gaohuan?” he asked.
“Of course,” Zhao Yunlan said, and he could not explain why Shen Wei’s smile depressed him.
The next morning, Chen Gaohuan followed Shen Wei into the apartment and responded to Zhao Yunlan’s greeting with a tired smile.
He was wearing one of Shen Wei’s sweaters. It was one of the ones Zhao Yunlan didn’t care for, and liked to tease Shen Wei about, telling him it made him look dull and grandfatherly. But it looked good on Chen Gaohuan, fitting attractively on his broader chest and shoulders.
It made Zhao Yunlan uncomfortable. There was a careless intimacy about it that grated on him. How could Chen Gaohuan be so familiar with Shen Wei? Who did he think he was?
It was just a sweater. Maybe Chen Gaohuan hadn’t brought anything warm to wear. He shouldn’t make a big deal of it.
They waited, slightly awkwardly, for Shen Wei to put together whatever he was conjuring up in the kitchen. Chen Gaohuan seemed lost in thought until Zhao Yunlan asked, “How are your interviews going?”
Chen Gaohuan shook himself from whatever was preoccupying him. “Pretty good. The department chair seemed at least a little bit impressed.” He sighed. “Though my work lately has been more on practical applications and less on pure biological research. I’m not cut out for research, unlike Shen Wei.”
Zhao Yunlan did not want to get into a discussion of what that entailed.
“Would you be in the same department?”
“I hope so.” He looked over at Shen Wei, and the warmth in his eyes was unmistakable. “It will be a pleasure to work under Shen-ge again.”
Yes, it would, Zhao Yunlan thought, and then to his horror his mind went straight to the gutter. What was wrong with him?
Shen Wei dished out the congee and set a plate of steamed buns on the table. For a while there was no conversation. Shen Wei shoved a dish of pickled vegetables in Zhao Yunlan’s direction, then asked Chen Gaohuan, “I’ll be in the library this afternoon, is there anything you would like me to check out for you?”
Chen Gaohuan shook his head. “Thanks, Shen-ge, but I have more than enough to work on already.”
Shen Wei frowned. “It doesn’t hurt to keep up with the most recent publications,” and then shut his mouth on whatever else he meant to say.
Zhao Yunlan couldn’t resist. “Professor Shen is never far away, no matter how you try to hide it! This is just ‘A famous teacher trains a fine student,’ isn’t it?” Shen Wei was paying serious attention the the bowl in front of him. Zhao Yunlan nudged him, hoping for a reaction.
Chen Gaohuan laughed. “Don’t make it hard on him! I’m afraid I’m more the ‘Confucius’ student sleeps by day’ type!"
Shen Wei looked up then, and smile Zhao Yunlan had hoped for was curving his mouth and creasing his eyes.
“Shameless flattery!” he said, and his tone was full of mock severity. “You know I mark students down who play this game!” He was laughing now with Chen Gaohuan. Zhao Yunlan joined in, and even managed to keep his good spirits up, all the way from home to the SID
-------
There wasn’t enough going on at the SID that morning to distract him from unwelcome personal thoughts, so he made up for it by acting the part of micro-managing boss. He loomed over everyone’s workstation, insisted on paperwork being up to date and all the bureaucratic protocols followed to a T, until Guo Changcheng looked on the point of anxious breakdown. Wang Zheng and Da Qing cornered Zhao Yunlan eventually and forced him back into his office, letting everyone relax back to normal.
Unfortunately, it let Zhao Yunlan start thinking again about his reactions to Chen Gaohuan.
Was he jealous? No, that was impossible. Jealousy was something only people in love felt. He had never been in love with anyone.
Maybe Zhao Yunlan wasn’t quite as promiscuous in reality as he liked to present, but he had enough experience to know that when it came to loving, or receiving love, he was last in line. It was something Zhao Yunlan had come to terms with: those feelings were a closed book to him. There was no point regretting something that couldn’t be changed.
So he wasn’t jealous of Chen Gaohuan. Of course not.
But I used to be able to make Shen Wei smile.
The calm, and his unproductive musing, was broken by an urgent directive from the Haixing Inspectorate. There had been five major burglaries the previous night with no clues at the scene. The Dragon City police dumped it all on the SID after only a cursory investigation, eager to assume the crimes were Dixing related, and the Inspectorate was pressing for a solution, fast.
Zhao Yunlan was grateful for the work, when he had a moment to consider it. It took two days of round the clock investigative slog by the whole team, but the diligence paid off before Zhao Yunlan needed to think about asking Shen Wei for help. It was too simple: a Dragon City construction firm had done “repairs” on all the properties, and built in convenient and invisible backdoor access. With great satisfaction Zhao Yunlan sent the entire casefile stack back to the DC police, with little red arrows pointing out all the evidence that they had been too hasty to notice. ‘Not Under Purview of the SID’ the cover said. Zhao Yunlan gave everybody the rest of the day off.
Afterwards, he lounged in his office, trying to enjoy the satisfaction of peace and quiet. The SID’s caseload was finally empty. Due to his recent slave-driving even the SID premises were close to spotless. By afternoon, with nothing to do, or nothing he couldn’t put off, he left Wang Zheng and Sang Zan in charge and took himself off for a drive. Maybe that would finally relax him, let him wind down from the tension high he had been running under for days. It was without surprise that he found himself driving past the university. He hadn’t seen Shen Wei in a couple of days and, well, there was still that Dixing semi-artifact that he was supposed to be researching.
Noting the time, he saw that Shen Wei’s office hour was just ending, so unless he chose to use the Black-Cloaked Envoy’s power to vanish he should be easy to corner. Shen Wei’s office door was ajar. He pushed right in, not bothering to knock, planning on shooing out whatever student was overstaying their allotted time.
He stopped dead in the doorway.
Chen Gaohuan and Shen Wei were sitting side-by-side on the office couch. Stacks of books and papers and periodicals were scattered on the table in front of them, crowding Shen Wei’s fancy tea set off to one precarious corner. More stacks were strewn on the floor under the table as well, and Chen Gaohuan was bent over trying to dig through the pile one-handed without getting up. His other hand was casually settled on Shen Wei’s thigh. Zhao Yunlan caught the tail end of some laughing comment before Shen Wei turned away and toward the door, and his face was bright with happy interest.
Chen Gaohuan straightened up to see what had attracted his attention, and the sudden motion jarred the tea set nearly onto the floor. He grabbed for it just in time as Shen Wei grabbed at Chen Gaohuan’s arm.
“Oh, Chief Zhao! Hi!” Chen Gaohuan said. “Sorry, you startled me.” He waved at him with one hand and hastily corralled the tea things with the other. Shen Wei’s grip on his arm relaxed but he didn’t quite let go.
Zhao Yunlan leaned against the doorjamb, his body automatically falling into a provocative lounge.
“Am I interrupting something?” he said, and was startled at the amount of resentment he could hear in his voice.
Shen Wei had been about to say something. His pleased half-smile fell from his face.
Zhao Yunlan took a lollipop from his jeans pocket and began to carefully unwrap it.
“Oh, no, not really.” Chen Gaohuan didn’t seem to have noticed the attitude. “We’re just going over some old articles.” He made a futile push at straightening the stacks of books and papers, and finally removed his hand from Shen Wei’s thigh. “I’m sorry I haven’t seen you these last couple of days, Chief Zhao.”
Zhao Yunlan stuck the lollipop in his mouth and spoke around it. “I’ve been working late. Public servants don’t get to choose their hours.”
“I’m sure you haven’t been eating then,” Shen Wei said with disapproval. He cleared a space on the table for the tea set and poured tea into one of the empty cups.
Zhao Yunlan dropped himself into the armchair by the door, ignoring the offering. “No thanks.”
He remembered that tea set. Shen Wei had made him tea in it the day after they had come back from Hanga, the day he had first tried to get Shen Wei to be honest with him. He hadn’t drunk any then, either.
Chen Gaohuan gave a little shrug and smiled at Zhao Yunlan. Shen Wei looked away, suddenly interested in a book open on the table. There was a moment of increasingly awkward silence.
“I’ve been catching up on Shen-ge’s recent research,” Chen Gaohuan began, breaking the tension. “It’s been fascinating to see how much evolutionary information can be extrapolated from examining phylogenetic expression of bio-mechanical constraints on organisms. The markers are so distinctive!” His enthusiasm would have been contagious, if Zhao Yunlan had the least idea what he was talking about. “Even I can see the potential forensic uses as well.”
He turned to Shen Wei. “Where’s that abstract you were writing?” He reached across Shen Wei for one of the papers. Shen Wei leaned back to give him room, as if this invasion of his personal space was completely ordinary. Zhao Yunlan sucked on his lollipop and stared at Shen Wei, willing him to look at him. Shen Wei slumped back on the couch, not at all his usual stern posture.
Chen Gaohuan gave up his search and sat back in his place. “Sometimes I really wish you would learn to use a computer,” he laughed. “Do you find it a problem working with him too, Chief Zhao?”
Zhao Yunlan shrugged and rolled his lollipop to the corner of his mouth. “We manage.”
How long was Chen Gaohuan going to hang around? Wasn’t it obvious that Zhao Yunlan needed to talk to Shen Wei?
Finally, he decided to be blunt. “I’m sorry, but I really need to speak to Professor Shen.”
“Oh, of course. I shouldn’t be taking up so much of your time. You have police business to talk about.” He began to gather up his laptop, file case, and phone. “It’s been a long time since we could catch up on each other’s work,” he said as he shoved papers into his case. “You know how it is; you start with each other’s recent work and then you end up telling stories about everything else, from landlords to cats to colleagues.”
Chen Gaohuan looked at his phone. “Oh, Shen-ge, I’ve heard back from Quan Jiu. They have a table at seven. Shall I tell them seven is fine?”
“I think so.” Shen Wei looked thoughtful for a moment, then nodded. “Yes, tell them seven.”
Chen Gaohuan grinned happily at him. Then, “I’m sorry, Chief Zhao, I’ll be out of your way. I’ll get a taxi back. I’ll see you later, Shen-ge.” Chen Gaohuan waved at Zhao Yunlan, trailed a hand across Shen Wei’s shoulder, and took himself off.
Shen Wei hadn’t moved from the sofa. Zhao Yunlan dragged over the office chair and sat down across from him, now feeling uncomfortably out of place.
Shen Wei looked up at him with his neutral public face in place, but there was a furrow of worry? anxiety? between his eyebrows.
Why anxious? What is he anxious about? What is he hiding?
“Going out on a date?” Zhao Yunlan tried to make it sound like a joke.
“Chen Gaohuan wanted to see some of our old classmates while he was here. Dinner at a restaurant seemed the most convenient for a reunion.”
“It’s fine with me if that’s what you’re calling it,” he drawled.
Shen Wei’s bland expression turned to stone. “You have something you need me for, Chief Zhao?”
Well, he probably deserved that. He wasn’t sure why he was so irritated and offensively clumsy with his words. Still, the only way forward from mistakes was through.
He plowed on, “About that Dixing artifact fragment. Have you managed to find out anything yet?”
Shen Wei relaxed, just a little. “Yes, a few things.” He got up and went to his desk, flicking through his papers until he found what he was looking for. Zhao Yunlan went to look. It was a page of brittle paper with a drawing of – something – annotated in a script he couldn’t read.
“It’s not actively dangerous, but it should be returned to Dixing. The rest of the – object – of which it is a piece is currently secure in the Dijun treasury.”
“Treasury? Somebody stole it from Dixing?”
Shen Wei looked disapproving. “The records office in Dixing is not kept in as good order as I hoped. The piece has been missing for many years, but when exactly it disappeared was unknown. More than one hundred years ago, certainly.”
“So there isn’t likely to be a Dixingren thief in Dragon City. That’s a relief.” Zhao Yunlun leaned over to get a better look at the drawing. The – whatever it was – appeared more distasteful the longer he puzzled over it. There was a blade, or maybe more than one, and something that was bent and folded in unpleasantly suggestive ways, and possibly a chain or two as well. The drawing was badly faded and stained.
“What do they use this thing for in Dixing?” he asked curiously. “I thought you recognized it immediately.”
“I...uh...it’s… historical. Archaic,” Shen Wei said slowly. “As is the drawing…” He ran his finger over the writing, tracing the script, then shot a glance at Zhao Yunlan, distress and anxiety apparent under his surface placidity. He quickly tucked the drawing back into the folder it came from and dropped heavily into his chair, putting the desk between himself and Zhao Yunlan.
“Is there anything else I can do for you?” Shen Wei pushed his glasses back into their perfect position and put a tight, public smile on his face.
Zhao Yunlan couldn’t stand it any more. “You’ll be at the SID tomorrow then?” and left without waiting for an answer.
-------
When he got home he couldn’t remember anything about driving the route from DCU. He didn’t want to think just how easily he had developed the autopilot habit between DCU and his apartment, because maybe it wouldn’t always… no, of course not. Shen Wei was the SID’s consultant, wasn’t he?
The fascinating, mysterious Shen Wei was now officially a consultant for the SID. The awesome Black- Cloaked Envoy was, after a fashion, working for him, and he could request either Shen Wei’s or the Envoy’s assistance any time.
That was the real problem, he thought, as he stomped his way around the kitchen, digging out something to reheat for dinner. It had nothing to do with his personal feelings. Shen Wei’s time belonged to him, to the SID that is, and Zhao Yunlan was just grumpy because Chen Gaohuan was monopolizing too much of that time. It was unprofessional while there was a case involved. Well, he allowed, Shen Wei did have his university duties, but those had never been in the way of Zhao Yunlan’s need for Shen Wei’s attention. No, not need. Zhao Yunlan grabbed the pot before the water boiled over. He didn’t need Shen Wei.
Of course not. He just -- missed him. Sure, he had Professor Shen, consultant, and there was always the Black-Cloaked Envoy, but it was Shen Wei, the man he had just been getting to know, that he missed.
Somewhere, Zhao Yunlan thought as he looked back, they had missed a step, taken a wrong turn. There were words that were never said or words that said too much, during that awkward conversation over apology tea in Shen Wei’s flat. He had thought that now that he knew Shen Wei was the Black-Cloaked Envoy, that Shen Wei would be - well, what? Be less private? Open up all his secrets to Zhao Yunlan?
But instead he had been tense and anxious, radiating distrust of what Zhao Yunlan intended with his new knowledge. He had wanted to assure Shen Wei that nothing had really changed between them, regardless of their official roles. But somehow those words never came out, and in his desperation to prevent Shen Wei’s withdrawal, he had used the Black-Cloaked Envoy’s secret as leverage to get Shen Wei to join the SID.
Shen Wei had agreed, then retreated to a frigid distance. Zhao Yunlan could not retract his request. And the two of them sat there unhappily, the tea cooling between them, unable to look each other in the eye, or speak a word.
The pot on the stove started boiling over again and Zhao Yunlan hastily rescued the contents. He ate his cobbled together dinner of noodles and leftovers straight out of the pot, not bothering to find a bowl. His impromptu recipe was not particularly successful but that wasn’t unusual.
He should go apologize. He had been a real asshole today, and for no reason other than selfish pique. And maybe try to apologize for what happened -- back then.
It was still early yet. Shen Wei should be home by now, if he and Chen Gaohuan were going out to dinner together. While he still held on to his virtuous resolution, Zhao Yunlan stepped out of his door just in time to see two backs turning the corner at the end of the hall. Chen Gaohuan’s arm was slung around Shen Wei’s shoulders as they disappeared down the stairs. Light voices echoed up the stairwell. They sounded happy.
He was absolutely not going to wait up until they came back. He was not going to be listening for footsteps, or voices, in the hall outside his door.
He was not waiting for them to return. He had reports to read, didn’t he. Last week’s summary. He needed to stay and pay attention to this important SID business.
He threw himself down on the bed and stared at the pages until the characters crawled unreadably. He had no idea how long he sat there, deliberately not thinking of anything.
What was wrong with him? So Shen Wei and Chen Gaohuan were meeting old classmates for dinner, what was so sinister about that? But he couldn’t help replaying the scene in his head: Chen Gaohuan’s hand on Shen Wei’s thigh, Chen Gaohuan turning toward him with a teasing grin, Shen Wei’s hand on Chen Gaohuan’s arm, and that huff of breath from Shen Wei that must have been laughter. Though he could not see Shen Wei’s face, he could imagine it, how his eyes would go softer and his voice warmer and the tenseness of his body loosen.
He knew those reactions so well, Shen Wei pleased and quietly teasing. He missed sharing them with him.
For some reason he had left the blinds up and the big front window open a little. He could hear the swish of the occasional car passing. And the slowing rumble of one coming to a stop in front of the building.
He went to the window to look down.
The taxi was just pulling away. Two figures came up the walk that led to the main door, but stopped in the little courtyard overlooked by his window.
Shen Wei was smiling, the raise of an eyebrow, the quirk of his mouth that Zhao Yunlan knew so well. Chen Gaohuan was taller than Shen Wei, and when he stepped closer Shen Wei had to turn up his head a little to keep eye contact. Shen Wei raised a hand towards Chen Gaohuan’s face but dropped it, side-stepping a little, but he didn’t move away. Zhao Yunlan could see Chen Gaohuan’s head bent down to Shen Wei’s upturned one, and they stood that way together for a long moment. Shen Wei’s hands were visible on Chen Gaohuan’s shoulders, gripping and then releasing. Chen Gaohuan stepped back and made his way into the building while Shen Wei stayed behind, head down, as if mastering some strong emotion. Finally he looked up, so that Zhao Yunlan could now see his face from his apartment window, and a smile of heartstopping sweetness briefly lit his expression, before he ducked down again and followed Chen Gaohuan.
Zhao Yunlan’s heart clenched around a pain so unexpected that he couldn’t breathe. A shudder washed a shockwave through his body. He had been fooling himself all along. Chen Gaohuan and Shen Wei were - had been - were now? - lovers. The sudden clarity staggered him. Shen Wei’s shyness, the evasions, his nervous anxiety, his anomalous lack of boundaries; Chen Gaohuan’s confidence in his welcome, his casual possessiveness; the hand on Shen Wei’s leg, the whispering into his hair, that smile. That -- obvious -- kiss.
He heard the footsteps in the hall, and the creak and thud of the door across the hall open and close.
Realization was flooding through him, heating his body, stuttering in his mind’s eye.
Right now, Shen Wei and Chen Gaohuan were together in Shen Wei’s apartment. Maybe Chen Gaohuan was undressing, maybe Shen Wei was there watching him, his eyes dark behind his glasses. Maybe Shen Wei was walking over and putting his hands over Chen Gaohuan’s and Chen Gaohuan was letting his hands fall to Shen Wei’s waist and drawing him closer.
Zhao Yunlan fell back onto the bed, drowning in the miserable, irresistible visions. Shen Wei taking off his glasses, his eyes soft with affection. Taking off his clothes, those elegant fingers unfastening and unbuttoning with deliberation, to keen approval. Now walking forward, shedding his cloth armor, revealing the jade pale skin and smooth muscles, the hard sleek body Zhao Yunlan had once glimpsed, fascinated, in the SID’s lab. And then the kiss, from within welcoming arms: Shen Wei’s mouth open slightly, his lips gone first full and soft, yielding sweetly under the other’s pressure, then claiming and devouring in ruthless pursuit. Now naked, now standing entwined, flesh heating and hardening; now on the bed, shifting positions, mouth on mouth, searching on belly and thighs and all places between. Zhao Yunlan gasped and his hand sought for his crotch, clutching painfully.
The images would not stop. Shen Wei’s wet mouth around a thick cock-head, sucking slow and thoughtfully, then diving deep and long. Zhao Yunlan’s hips twitched and he squeezed his balls through his jeans, barely aware. Then Shen Wei lying back, hard and flushed against his belly, his eyes half closed but still so soft, so focused, and then he could taste him, clean and sharp, the salt of his satin cock, could feel Shen Wei’s thighs under his hands, feel the soft balls under his chin as he took him deep, feel the spring coil in the muscles under his hands before release, hear Shen Wei gasping sharp and husky, “Zhao Yunlan”...
But that wouldn’t be the name.
He snatched his hand back as though burned. Not his name. Not his. Zhao Yunlan flung himself off the bed and into the bathroom. He stripped himself in the shower and stood under the streaming cold water, shaking with reaction, aching with lust and humiliation, until his treacherous arousal shriveled and died.
He was pathetic.
Yeah, okay, sure; he’d had a few thoughts about Shen Wei. But that’s all it was, just thoughts: a few speculations, some concentrated aesthetic appreciation, a bit of self-indulgence, some maneuvering to get as close to him as possible. Physically close, even. He could admit that. He had even had some secret hopes...
But now he realized it was never going to happen.
Well, okay then. No big deal. The hammering of his heart was slowing down, and the shakiness of his breathing that he told himself had to be due to the cold shocking his system. He threw on a dry t-shirt and shorts, but couldn’t face getting back into bed again. He took a blanket off the chest and lay down on the sofa instead.
He had just never quite thought… But Shen Wei was from Dixing, maybe they did things differently there. It had felt to him that Shen Wei looked at him more intensely, cared for him more deeply, than anyone else in his life had ever done. But he must have been mistaken about what it meant. He knew he was no expert at these things.
And anyway, he hadn’t lost Shen Wei. He had an amazing colleague still. He had the Black-Cloaked Envoy, Hei Lao ge! There was no way Chen Gaohuan knew about him.
And what did Chen Gaohuan know about how admirable, how damn heroic Shen Wei was? How he had the strength to execute the duties of the Black-Cloaked Envoy and yet temper it with the kindness of Professor Shen. And his mind, fluid and wide-ranging, so much a match and a complement to Zhao Yunlan’s own. His wicked sense of humor. And yes, Shen Wei was nice to look at. Very nice. Zhao Yunlan was cold-hearted, not blind.
Maybe he could patch things up, now that he knew what was going on. After all, it wasn’t like Shen Wei was withdrawing from his life. It was none of his business who Shen Wei fucked. And he repeated that to himself over and over, until the concept felt a little bit less like a file rasping blood from his heart.
They were still friends. That hadn’t changed, despite their current disharmony. Zhao Yunlan might not have any knack for love, but he knew how to be a friend.
But still, a small inner voice taunted him, Shen Wei hadn’t wanted him to know. He didn’t trust Zhao Yunlan to be happy for him.That hurt. And Zhao Yunlan would be happy for him. Could be happy.
Really.
-------
He slept poorly. Cool early dawn lit the apartment through the front window, since he had forgotten to lower the blinds. Unable to sleep, and unable to imagine facing Shen Wei yet, he slipped out and headed to the SID.
Da Qing had already left after his night shift. Lao Li was awake though, and Zhao Yunlan was grateful for his quiet distance. He made him some tea and left him in peace in his office.
He would have to face Shen Wei eventually. Shen Wei was coming to the SID today to explain what he had found about the Dixing artifact. And then, oh god, the dinner tonight. Zhao Yunlan groaned internally.
Professor Shen showed up that afternoon, gently self-effacing yet impeccably professional. He was wearing one of his three piece suits, Zhao Yunlan’s favorite, the dark blue one that fit him like a second skin, like armor perfectly suited to the customs of Haixing. Zhao Yunlan greeted him with a casual wave that he hoped was completely natural. Shen Wei’s small and genuine smile lit his face with a warmth that Zhao Yunlan had forgotten he had missed.
It didn’t matter that Shen Wei’s mild happiness might be due to someone else. Zhao Yunlan would take what felt normal and welcome it.
He kept one eye on how his team dealt with their new expert consultant. Shen Wei explained his findings and concerns, and made some recommendations for keeping the object secure. Lin Jing, who had already decided Shen Wei was an asset, took notes of everything. Da Qing looked bored, which was typical, but not overtly hostile. The others at least tried to look attentive. Which counted as a success, all things considered.
It was when Chu Shuzhi pointed out that the Black-Cloaked Envoy needed to know that a Dixing artifact had surfaced in Haixing that Zhao Yunlan felt a bit nervous, even though Shen Wei gave no outward indication that this was any of his concern.
But there was just a hint of a smile as he gravely listened to Zhao Yunlan announcing that he would inform the Black-Cloaked Envoy of Professor Shen’s findings.
“I’m glad to know that there will be someone qualified to deal with this object,” he said, glancing at Zhao Yunlan, widening his eyes just a bit in total innocence, all but teasing Zhao Yunlan with his secret.
There was that rapport between them, just glimpsed, like a tiny thaw in the ice.
Maybe things would be okay.
-------
They left the SID together, and stopped on the street outside.
Zhao Yunlan wanted to say something to stay in that place again, where they were attuned to each other’s thoughts. But things felt so fragile between them at the moment, and he was afraid he still didn’t have the right words. But he needed to let Shen Wei know that he was okay with everything.
“I’m sorry I was such a jerk to you and Chen Gaohuan yesterday.”
Shen Wei tensed up, but when Zhao Yunlan didn’t say anything further, he finally turned to look at him. “I wasn’t terribly polite to you either.”
“Don’t you apologize for what I started.”
Shen Wei opened his mouth to object but Zhao Yunlan beat him to it. “It’s all water under the bridge now. Can we just…” He floundered to a stop. Shen Wei waited, eyes wide behind his glasses, something soft and patient in his face, as if he would be happy to wait forever for Zhao Yunlan to finish.
“I just want you to know that things are okay,” Zhao Yunlan stumbled on. “That I’m okay with you, with whatever you want.”
Shen Wei looked puzzled for a moment, then a brief expression of pain filled his eyes and vanished.
He raised a skeptical eyebrow. “That’s quite a carte blanche. Can I hold you to it the next time I tell you something is dangerous?” He was smiling as he said it, though a bit forced.
Zhao Yunlan let go the breath he had been holding, and lost something of the weight on his shoulders. “I said I’d be okay with it, not that I had to listen!”
Shen Wei’s huff of exasperation was only half-hearted. He glanced at his watch. “I need to go. I have to buy some things for tonight’s dinner.”
“I’ll give you a ride. Wherever you need to go.”
“Oh, you don’t have to. I’m going to the Central Market. It’s just a short bus ride, or I can get a taxi.”
Shen Wei was just being reasonable and considerate. Zhao Yunlan stomped down hard on any incipient feelings of exclusion.
“I can at least give you a hand, help you carry stuff.”
Shen Wei flashed him a tiny side smile. “Thank you. I’d like that.”
“You don’t have to thank me. I’m eating this dinner too.”
The side smile bloomed into a full smile, warm and open. Zhao Yunlan’s heart turned over, so tender and aware of Shen Wei.
The central fresh food market of Dragon City was a cavernous building, crammed with stalls selling everything, and even more crammed with shoppers. The place was new to Zhao Yunlan, who got his meals from noodle stands, street stalls and convenience stores.
Shen Wei threaded his way confidently through the crowds and Zhao Yunlan trailed after him.
“You’ve been here before?”
“Occasionally.”
Vegetables, scallions, garlic, fish, shrimp. Shen Wei eyed the live chickens - indubitably fresh - with a measuring eye, but to Zhao Yunlan’s relief he turned away and headed for the butcher stalls instead. Pork and chicken. Then off to the fish vendors, keeping his balance on the wet floor, newly sluiced. Whole fish, clams, and fresh caught crabs.
“Dinner won’t be very exciting, I’m afraid,” he said. “Just some ordinary dishes.”
“I doubt that.”
“That would be more of a compliment if I didn’t know how you ate by yourself,” he retorted. But his eyes were kind.
Zhao Yunlan grinned back, and swung the grocery bags in his hands until Shen Wei started to look alarmed for their safety.
They were okay. He could live with this.
-------
Dinner that night was surprisingly enjoyable.
While Shen Wei was cooking, Zhao Yunlan chatted, innocuously, with Chen Gaohuan. He had resolved to be as good as gold to him, but he couldn’t help pondering the man’s character, even as they swapped stories of motorcycle road trips and mishaps.
Is this the guy that Shen Wei really wants? Isn’t he a bit - conventional? Maybe that’s the attraction. And I’m too out there, too damaged…
“These are just some ordinary dishes,” Shen Wei said, as he laid them out. “Nothing fancy.”
“Shen-ge, you are still amazing,” Chen Gaohuan said after he started eating. “I don’t know how you always manage to learn to do everything well!”
That was a bit fulsome, Zhao Yunlan thought, even though it was true. Shen Wei had done magic things with the ingredients he had bought, making dishes that had the comfort of home, even though Zhao Yunlan didn’t remember ever eating them while growing up.
Zhao Yunlan brought out the beer, and then his best bottle of baijiu. He relaxed and let the other two lead the conversation.
Shen Wei was happy in Chen Gaohuan’s company, he could see that. In fact, whenever he had been with them he recalled that Shen Wei would lose that shadow behind his eyes, and that he would smile, and soften his posture, and he could see again, as now, the man he had been missing.
I want him to be happy, because I see that he carries some secret sorrow. I thought that maybe I was the one who made him happy, but I guess not. But if anyone can, then that is what I want for him.
The thought came unbidden, and he felt strange. Hollow, and light, and empty. It was unnerving.
Chen Gaohuan was reminiscing about their undergraduate days. “Remember that time we got up on the roof and watched the stars? You were going to show me something special?”
Shen Wei shook his head doubtfully.
“No, you remember, it was after the party where you got drunk.”
Shen Wei’s smile was a little pained. “Oh, yes. That time.” He piled more morsels on Zhao Yunlan’s plate.
“Shen Wei was drunk on a roof?” This was too good to pass up. Zhao Yunlan poured more baijiu into Chen Gaohuan’s cup. “How did that happen?”
“It was the department’s big new year’s party. Well, the unofficial party. You know how those go.”
Zhao Yunlan did know. The hangovers were unforgettable.
“I remember now. I knew better than to drink anything but water.” Shen Wei turned to Zhao Yunlan for support. “It wasn’t deliberate!”
Zhao Yunlan laughed and Chen Gaohuan turned to his eager audience.
“Someone must have spiked the water because you persuaded me you needed to show me some important constellation or other. I mean, you were really insistent. ‘Only visible at unique times, won’t happen again,’ things like that. We went up to the roof of the laboratory building - had to slip open a security door and up a ladder through a trapdoor to get there. The funny thing was, all the doors were unlocked that night. I remember saying how odd that was and you insisting everything was okay!”
Chen Gaohuan was enjoying telling the story, but Shen Wei’s smile had faded a bit. Zhao Yunlan was imagining the scene all too well. Someone had thought that getting Shen Wei tipsy would be fun. Without his inhibitions, he had used a minor power to bypass the security locks. For Chen Gaohuan.
Chen Gaohuan went on, “And it was a beautiful night, so we lay down on the roof and tried to make out the different stars.”
“It was a beautiful night,” Shen Wei murmured softly. “I remember. It had been such a long, long time since I’d seen one so clear: seen the stars so close and the moon so bright.” He sounded wistful.
Chen Gaohuan didn’t notice Shen Wei’s reaction as he told the story to Zhao Yunlan. “And he pointed to this one part of the sky and complained that the stars weren’t there. They’re not in the right place, he kept saying. The stars are all wrong, they’ve moved, he said. He kept staring and squinting and hunting for something all over. And then he just got more upset that nothing looked the way he wanted it to!” Chen Gaohuan was grinning with the remembrance. “He was so drunk! He started saying that I was the wrong person and the roof was the wrong place and where was he and he just went on and on.”
“I did not go on and on,” Shen Wei offered weakly.
“You did. And then you got maudlin drunk and cried. I had to practically carry you back down. I laughed myself sick, listening to you try to make sense. I still don’t know what it was that you wanted to show me!”
It wasn’t really a funny story, Zhao Yunlan thought, at least, not to someone who wasn’t there. But it was important to them, to their shared past. And he was outside, a witness to a friendship and a bond he didn’t have, couldn’t have, because Shen Wei didn’t belong to him. He couldn’t find it in himself to resent Chen Gaohuan’s possession of something that had never been his.
Shen Wei caught his eye and smiled at him, his expression unguarded. There was something gentle and wondering in his dark eyes and Zhao Yunlan couldn’t help but smile back. He could guess at what lit Shen Wei’s face and loosened the tension that was too often visible there: it was the memories of old friendship, old bonds, of shared trials and struggles, of failures and victories, of the comfort of shared beds and breaths and whispers in the night.
It was all the light and joy that Zhao Yunlan realized he longed for.
His chest went tight and his vision began to blur. He must have frozen for a moment, because Shen Wei was now looking concerned, which he really shouldn’t. Because Shen Wei was beautiful, without and within, he was precious and desirable; he was a lift to Zhao Yunlan’s heart, an infusion of hope in a dark world for every day that he could be with Shen Wei and glimpse his flame.
If Chen Gaohuan was the one Shen Wei needed, then yes, he realized, truly, he was happy for him. More than happy: he would tear his heart out and grind it to powder to pave Shen Wei’s path: the path to the one who could lighten the shadow on his heart.
He could feel tears forming and his throat tightening, but he couldn’t tell if it was for sorrow or for joy.
Shen Wei put a hand on his shoulder, warm and firm, “Zhao Yunlan?” Chen Gaohuan was staring at him, a stricken expression on his face.
Zhao Yunlan blinked a few times and shook his head. “It’s nothing. Never mind me.” He reached for the baijiu bottle and filled Chen Gaohuan’s cup again, then his own.
“Let’s drink to future success!” He nodded to Chen Gaohuan. They drank the toast, Shen Wei sipping from his water glass, and Zhao Yunlan poured another round of baijiu.
“To friendship!” Chen Gaohuan raised his cup to Zhao Yunlan.
“To your future together!” It wasn’t exactly what Zhao Yunlan wanted to say, but his tongue wasn’t finding the right words. They were all floating away from him, each little chip of his long denied feelings circling his brain and wanting to fall out of his mouth. Chen Gaohuan was delighted with it anyway, “That’s my professional goal!” He drank off the toast, and slung an arm around Zhao Yunlan.
Zhao Yunlan started pouring another round, but the bottle was empty. Maybe it was time to stop, before he said something really, really stupid.
Shen Wei was looking a bit perturbed. He lifted the baijiu bottle from Zhao Yunlan’s hand and took it back to the kitchen. The action roused Chen Gaohuan as well as Zhao Yunlan and the two of them sat back and made attempts to appear sober. Shen Wei looked them over with an expression that Zhao Yunlan wanted to think of as fond. Friendly. That was fine.
“Don’t worry about cleaning up,” Zhao Yunlan said. He couldn’t think of any other reason for Shen Wei to decide to leave the table. “I’ll do it. I can do it! I’ve been practicing! You’ve worked hard for this already.”
Shen Wei huffed at that, but said, “I’ll leave you to it then. I think it’s late enough that we should call it a night.”
He tapped Chen Gaohuan on the arm, and taking hold of it, gently steered him out the door. “Good night, Chief Zhao!” he called over Shen Wei’s shoulder.
With their departure — with Shen Wei’s departure — Zhao Yunlan felt himself deflate. He could wash up, or he could sober up, or he could do both, or neither. He chose both, as a way to distract himself from thinking too much, and yet hold on to the unfamiliar feelings still skimming through him.
I don’t even know what all those feelings are, but I have never felt for anyone what I feel for Shen Wei.
He turned that over in his mind while drying the dishes, and it was as if door after door unlocked itself before him, and rooms of hidden self-knowledge opened up, vast and frightening and beautiful.
He had been so certain he understood everything about himself. And so good at discovering everyone’s secrets but his own.
He took his time tidying up the apartment, the mechanical actions slowing and calming and focusing him down to one bright point.
I love Shen Wei. I have loved him for a long time.
And it was hard to discover that love only now when it was out of his reach.
But that doesn’t matter.
Really.
I can wait.
-------
He didn’t run into Shen Wei or Chen Gaohuan for the next couple of days, which was fine with him. There was, he realized, no rush anymore. It wasn’t up to him how these pieces of his life would move.
He returned home in the evening to see Chen Gaohuan on the street in front of the building with a suitcase in hand and a taxi just pulling up.
“Hey, Gaohuan, you’re not leaving, are you?” he called.
Chen Gaohuan’s normally cheerful face was downcast, and replied with complete seriousness. “Yes, I have a flight back this evening.” He let the taxi driver take his suitcase and turned to Zhao Yunlan.
“I’m glad to see you before I go and say thank you.” He sighed. “Maybe someday we’ll be able to take that ride in the mountains together.”
Zhao Yunlan was just able to keep himself from saying ‘What?’ but his expression must have said it all.
Chen Gaohuan smiled tightly. “I found out today that the position I interviewed for has been eliminated - the department funding was cut.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.” And he was.
“Yes, well,” Chen Gaohuan hesitated, then went on. “I’m glad to have met you, Chief Zhao. Shen-ge is lucky... and fortunate. To have you for a friend.” His smile looked painful, for all that it was clearly sincere. “When you see him, tell him...” he paused again, and then held Zhao Yunlan’s gaze to say slowly, “Tell him that I’ll be okay. That there’s no problem.” He huffed a laugh, like a forced imitation of Shen Wei’s. “I always knew it was a long shot anyway.”
“I --,” Zhao Yunlan began in protest, and then shut his mouth as he began to understand the meaning of Chen Gaohuan’s words. He nodded tightly. Chen Gaohuan flashed a grin at him as he got into the taxi.
“I’m sorry I’ll miss another of Shen-ge’s breakfasts tomorrow!” he called, and waved. “Tell him goodbye for me. Bye!”
The door slammed closed and the taxi sped off.
Zhao Yunlan was left stunned and floundering on the pavement, afraid that what he was feeling was something shamefully like hope.
-------
The knock on his door the next morning was not unexpected, but it was unsettling the way his heart sped up and pounded in his chest. Zhao Yunlan took a deep breath. It was only Shen Wei, he told himself, and almost laughed because that was most definitely not a calming thought.
“Come in,” he called. “It’s unlocked.”
He delayed turning toward the door, fumbling with pulling his t-shirt over his head.
“I’ve brought some supplies,” Shen Wei said from the doorway. “If you have time for breakfast?” He might have sounded doubtful.
“Yeah, sure, great.” Zhao Yunlan buttoned up his shirt and finally turned to face him.
Shen Wei was already at the counter, unpacking a grocery bag.
Mundane, quotidian actions, but today Zhao Yunlan was filled with a quiet happiness in just the fact that Shen Wei was there.Yes, Shen Wei, Professor Shen, the Black-Cloaked Envoy, one of the Three Rulers of Dixing, was making congee in his kitchen. In fact, he had been making breakfast for him for quite a while now. And was it really just because Zhao Yunlan had the larger kitchen?
That was a thought too close to hope. Instead he said, inanely, “Chen Gaohuan told me the lecturer position was eliminated. Is that why he left?”
“Yes. He phoned me from the airport last night.” Shen Wei set the rice cooker and started chopping scallions.
“Oh. But you’ll be seeing him again?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Why not?” Zhao Yunlan blurted out before he could stop himself. “I mean, you two are — were —close. Old friends.” Close enough to call each other “ge” and “xiao”.
“We were, once.” Shen Wei continued with his deft cutting of the scallions. “Or what seemed close for him.”
Shen Wei stopped what he was doing to directly face Zhao Yunlan. He seemed embarrassed.
Zhao Yunlan leaned his elbows on the high counter and tried to look accepting and encouraging. He didn’t think he could bear it if Shen Wei shut himself down again.
Shen Wei sighed, turned away and started mixing and rolling dough. He kept talking to Zhao Yunlan without looking at him.
“Back then, for me, Haixing, Dragon City, the University, they were all new. We were… Chen Gaohuan was young and keen and I was… I was inexperienced with this world. I thought I could let go my… my responsibilities — lay them aside, become someone else, try to fit in, if only for a while.”
Zhao Yunlan thought he understood, a little. “Be just student Shen Wei, instead of...?”
Shen Wei grimaced. “It was selfish of me.” He poured oil in a pan to heat and began slicing up the rolled out dough. Zhao Yunlan realized he was making youtiao.
“I let myself be student Shen Wei too much, let myself… let myself do the things student Shen Wei would do…and...and feel his loneliness. It was cruel to Xiao Chen, in the end.”
He went quiet and concentrated on frying the dough strips. Eventually he said, “It didn’t last long. Our lives took different paths.” Zhao Yunlan snorted at the understatement. Shen Wei looked over at him. “Though I have kept in touch with him and other fellow students these last ten years.” Zhao Yunlan thought that it was probably Chen Gaohuan who was doing most of the keeping in touch.
When they sat down to eat there was congee with scallions, and hot youtiao, and sweet soy milk for dipping that Zhao Yunlan had been unaware was in his refrigerator. Shen Wei gravely served him first, and watched him take a few bites before he began to eat.
It was like that unfortunate tea in Shen Wei’s apartment that started it all, except for the way it was now entirely different.
If Shen Wei could be so open with him, then he had to do the same. He couldn’t let this moment of honesty pass them by again.
“I liked him,” Zhao Yunlan decided to start with.
“I liked him too.” Shen Wei’s mouth quirked in a quick smile that faded to seriousness again, and a searching look at Zhao Yunlan. “But not the way he wants.”
Shen Wei’s simple words folded Zhao Yunlan’s understanding of the events of the past days into new shapes. His focus changed, re-imaging the muddy blur of his miserable speculations into something else, something bright and painful and exhilarating.
And even though it made him cringe inside, he had to confess what had been tormenting him. “I thought that you and Chen Gaohuan... that you and he....Well, I didn’t deal with that very well.”
Shen Wei raised an eyebrow at him, and Zhao Yunlan stumbled on. “I thought that you had, that you chose him.”
Shen Wei’s look of fond amusement transformed and blossomed into a smile of sunlit joy. “No, Zhao Yunlan,” he said, and the name in his mouth was as warm as the most private of endearments. “Not him.”
Zhao Yunlan wanted to bask in Shen Wei’s smile. He grinned back, content for the moment to last as long as possible.
With breakfast cleared away there wasn’t any real reason for Shen Wei to linger, but instead he settled himself in his usual corner of the sofa and showed no signs of wanting to leave. Zhao Yunlan kept glancing at him, always finding Shen Wei looking back at him, never quite to the point of actually saying anything.
But Zhao Yunlan had to try to explain what was surging through his heart.
“So then we’re friends, right?” he said, carefully dropping himself onto the sofa opposite Shen Wei. Shen Wei rubbed his hands along thighs, a sign Zhao Yunlan knew of some unexpressed emotion. He nodded.
“Because I know you,” Zhao Yunlan went on, “Hei Pao Shi, Hei Lao ge, Professor, Shen Wei, it’s all the same. The same to me.” He knew he was incoherent, trying to put his nameless feelings into those titles.
“Yes.” Shen Wei said gently, and his hand drifted to his chest. “We have always been friends.”
“Always?”
“I can’t explain it now. But for me, yes, always.” There again was that look in Shen Wei’s eyes that Zhao Yunlan remembered. Soft affection turning to intense focus, as though the fact of his mere existence lit up Shen Wei’s life, impossible as that was to believe. Zhao Yunlan had never been graced with such regard by anyone before. It fired a burning need to return the same to Shen Wei.
“I was going to wait,” he tried to explain. “From the first. I know now that’s what I wanted. However long it took, and even if it never happened.”
Shen Wei reached out his hand and took Zhao Yunlan’s. He rubbed dry reassuring fingers across his palm until Zhao Yunlan closed his own fingers around them. “I was too cautious and waited too long. I hurt us both.”
“But now?” Zhao Yunlan dared to try a smirk and a suggestive glance through hooded eyes. It was a pretty weak effort at a leer, he thought, but Shen Wei smiled at him and ducked his head and then looked up, his eyes crinkling happily.
“Let’s not wait anymore.”
And then as naturally as though they had done this a thousand times before, Zhao Yunlan leaned forward and Shen Wei did the same, mirroring each other, until their mouths touched and lingered softly, tenderly, ardently, and with infinite promise.
So they sat together on the sofa, shoulders touching, thighs touching, hand clasped in hand like children, looking into each other’s warm and shining eyes, and began again.