Chapter Text
The darkness of the room lets Taehyung know that it's night time and that he should be asleep. But, for some reason, he hasn't been able to go back to sleep and it's not because of Yoongi's soft snores right beside him.
No, Taehyung feels like there's a weight on his chest and something that keeps him from breathing, somehow. He's never liked this feeling, and Taehyung naively thought it'd disappear when he started dating Yoongi. That's what they'd usually represent love as in fairytales and romance books and movies - that love would and could heal everything.
But it never really did.
It wasn't something that he would experience every day, but sometimes. And sometimes, it would be so overpowering that he would have to try to calm down his overthinking and his overwhelming thoughts.
Taehyung realised that was what was happening now, in a way. It wasn't too overpowering and overwhelming, but he still knew he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep, even if he hadn't been awake for a long time. So, he gets up and leaves the comfort of Yoongi's comforting arms and warmth, trying not to wake him up. He feels like he needs some air and opening the window in their bedroom doesn't seem like a good idea. In the worst case, it would wake Yoongi up and Taehyung wasn't a big fan of this idea. He knew Yoongi wouldn't be angry at him for it, and would probably go back to sleep in a few seconds, but the idea still bothers him.
They started living together around a month ago, and while Taehyung learnt that barely anything could wake his boyfriend up, he still didn't want to take the risk. He supposed that rooming with Jungkook and Jimin for a while taught him that taking the risk was never worth it anyway. It would only result in disastrous situations with these two, and maybe it would be different with Yoongi because he wasn’t like them, but it didn't mean that Taehyung would like to try.
After tiptoeing his way out of the room, Taehyung walks to the living room and stands by the window, opening it. He immediately feels the wind against his face and the first thing he notices is how it's pouring down outside. It almost looks and sounds like the world is going to crash. Somehow, it helps him breathe a little easier. The rain was falling so heavily he could barely distinguish what was standing behind it. It felt like the world was about to crash. It felt like the world was feeling the same way he was and somehow that thought comforted him. Breathing became easier.
Although there's some wind, it's not too cold outside and he's glad that the rain isn't coming in because he doesn't want to close the window. He wants to feel things; he wants to feel the wind against his face and the humidity of the rain on his skin. He could go outside but he doesn't want to make his boyfriend worry, in case he wakes up. Knowing Yoongi and his tendency to worry about almost everything, he supposes that realising that his boyfriend isn't in their flat anymore and is taking a walk under this weather on top of that probably wouldn't be good for him. And it wouldn't be good for Taehyung to walk in this weather either, he would probably catch a cold and act like he's dying and Yoongi would tell him "I told you so" even if he didn't say anything that night but Yoongi would still take care of him and... And Taehyung really doesn't want to stress out his lover more than he already is. He doesn't want to make him worry about him either. He doesn't want to make him worry at all, and if he could, Taehyung would take all his worry away but unfortunately, he's only human.
Taehyung learned that it was okay; he couldn't save everyone from everything. He could try to make it a little better for people, for his friends and his boyfriend but sometimes people need more help than Taehyung is able to provide. He had a hard time with that, had a hard time coming with the fact that he couldn't help and save everyone. But eventually, he understood and couldn't lie about the fact that it was a lot thanks to Yoongi - and himself, of course.
And Taehyung is thankful for that. He's thankful to have such an amazing person by his side, to have Yoongi, who teaches him so many things and helps him to improve himself every day. He's so grateful and he loves him so much. It sometimes feels like it's too much love for one person, and it's sometimes a little overwhelming but he doesn't regret it. He doesn't think he could ever regret his relationship with Yoongi, no matter what the outcome of their relationship is. He didn't have many partners in his life but he was really glad he found Yoongi.
He exhales softly as he looks at the rain that is pouring down, and deep down, he knows why he's panicking. He knows that even if they've been together for months and that Yoongi never pressured him into anything, Taehyung is still hiding something from him. Something that could be the end of their relation, no matter how dramatic it sounds, because Taehyung knows it's not that dramatic for himself but it's also very real. He knows that for some people, sex is important in a relationship, and he respects that. It just isn't for him, and he's not sure how Yoongi feels about it.
It's not that they've never talked about sex, but at the same time, they've never really talked about it in details. They just both agreed on taking their relationship slow, not rushing into anything and that was basically it. So, maybe they've never really talked about sex. They didn't focus much on sex and much more on holding hands and dates and kisses, and "hyung do you think we could see each other tonight?" before eventually moving in together, but only because Yoongi needed a place to stay and well. It just made sense to move in together because Taehyung was on his own since Jungkook and Jimin started living together, and he needed a roommate.
Yoongi never pressured him into anything, from sex to moving in together. He never made him feel like they had to do anything, but Taehyung knew that it wasn't fair of him to hide his asexuality to his lover. He had tried to tell him so many times, but every time, something happened. And even when Taehyung had the opportunity to tell him, he got too scared, or the words would just stay caught up in his throat and nothing was coming out - which wasn't really a play of words. At first, he had the excuse that their relationship was pretty recent and maybe they would break up after a week and he could still tell him if they remained friends. But now, Taehyung got himself caught up in his web of lies and he doesn’t know how to keep up with it anymore. He doesn’t know how to tell him, though, he can’t ignore this situation anymore. It is way too important and Yoongi being kept in the dark feels unfair.
He supposed he could have avoided this situation by telling him at the very start of their relationship, or even before since Yoongi and him had known each other for a while now and had been friends before being a couple. It should have been easy to tell him, to say "I'm asexual" or something along those lines, to explain that yes, he loves Yoongi, he loves him so much and he wants to be intimate with him but no, no he doesn't want to have sex with him. He wants them to hold hands, to giggle while kissing each other, to go on silly and cute dates but also on more thoughtful dates, to learn things together. Taehyung would love to learn how to draw with Yoongi, especially since both of them are not the best at drawing - once, Taehyung tried to draw a flower and when he showed it to Jungkook, Jungkook only patted his head and left. He imagines that they would both struggle while learning how to draw, and it's enough to put a little smile on his face as he stares outside. But it's not enough to make him forget about his panicking thoughts.
And they already do that; the dates, the kisses, the hand holdings - except for the drawing lessons - but Taehyung still has to tell him that he's asexual. He always uses excuses and always stops before it's going too far for him, and Yoongi is always so gentle and kind and always tells him that it's okay, they don't have to do anything he's not ready for. Always kissing his forehead as a way to reassure him that he's not mad or upset with him. Taehyung is so grateful for that, but it still makes him uneasy every time it happens, because he knows he's lying in a way; it's never because he's too tired, never because he has other things to do, it's only because he's a sex-repulsed asexual.
But it's not something easy to come out as asexual, most of the time. He didn't have much of a problem coming out as an asexual to Jungkook and Jimin. They were supportive and amazing with this, telling him that if they ever overwhelmed him he better tell them. Even back then he had been a nervous mess, fearing that Jimin and Jungkook would invalidate him and his feelings. While they were his friends, he knew that not everyone would understand that sex wasn't for him and that he didn't feel any sexual attraction towards anyone, even if he wished everyone could understand.
He remembers back when he was a teenager who didn't know asexuality exists and how he had never been interested in sex, but he thought that maybe one day when he grew up he would be, just like everyone else around him. He already didn't like hearing his friends talk about sex back then, never participated in the conversation and tried his best to not attract anyone's attention to him during those conversations.
It never changed.
It never changed even after he grew up. He still hates those sex conversations, still hates hearing people talk about their sexual performances or whatever they were. He doesn't mind a sexual joke or two when they're not too gross, and while most of his friends are aware of that and respect him, it's not the case for everyone. He doesn't really doubt that Yoongi would respect him, him and his limits, but he's still worried about telling him because it could mean the end of what they had. And that was scary.
He definitely still has to tell him because lying to Yoongi doesn't feel right either. Not when the other is always so open with him - although, he must admit that at the start of their relationship, Yoongi had been very awkward with his feelings and when touching him, amongst other things. Not that Taehyung wasn't awkward either though, he thinks it had to do with the fact that they both had to understand how to make their relationship go from friends to lovers. It hadn't been an easy step but they still managed to do it, especially thanks to the efforts Yoongi put in how they were communicating. Taehyung, on the other hand, sucked at communicating at first. But he already knew Yoongi and their relationship was worth it so he made efforts as well, and while it was clear he still wasn't the best at it, he had still improved.
The next step in the improvement of his communication skills had to be telling Yoongi that he was asexual. He knew that Yoongi was going to be kind about it, he didn't have any doubts about it, because he's always gentle with Taehyung - and their close friends but mostly with Taehyung. He just wasn't sure if it was going to be a big deal for him; big enough to break up. He supposed not, but he had been disappointed in the past and while their relationship wasn't like the very few ones he had before, he wasn't sure what to expect when it came to this.
He just hoped that if Yoongi and he would break up over this, they would still remain friends, even if it meant taking some time away from each other. As long as Yoongi is part of his life at some point, Taehyung doesn't mind. Taehyung had had a few partners in the past, and none of them made him feel like Yoongi does. Most of them broke up with him for the same reason, with different excuses but all with the same finality. "I'm sorry but I can't be with someone who doesn't want to have sex," One said, "Let's break up, we won't work well together," another one said and explicitly told him that a relationship without sex wasn't possible for him, and they all sounded the same: I'm sorry but you're not enough. He just hoped and hoped and hoped that it would be different with Yoongi, that if they came to break up at some point, it wouldn't be because of his asexuality.
It was a thing to break up with a lover, but it definitely was another thing to lose someone. Taehyung never really regretted losing his exes but he knew it would be different with Yoongi. From the day they met until now, his relationship with Yoongi had always been different, even when they were just friends. Taehyung couldn't exactly put it into words, it just feels like Yoongi is his person. But then, his boyfriend didn't exactly know the truth about him so maybe Taehyung was wrong about that. He hoped not, he really hoped not.
Taehyung doesn't dream of weddings. All he wants is someone with whom he can be who he really is. He wants someone with whom he could raise a cat or a dog, maybe more, maybe both. He wants someone who can make him feel at ease with himself, without the pressure of having sex, of being intimate in ways he doesn't want. He wants someone to wake up to, someone to say goodnight to, someone to kiss and hold hands with, someone to be safe and comfortable with, someone to be at peace with. Yoongi is that someone. Taehyung isn't sure he's going to stay, and that's one of the only things Taehyung isn't sure of with Yoongi. His boyfriend is the person who helps him in his worst and best moments, he's the one who can make his bad days a little bit more bearable. And it's always hard to know but Taehyung wouldn't mind spending his life with him if they stay together and if everything stays like that - because life can be unpredictable in many ways.
Even if Yoongi broke up with him and left, Taehyung wouldn't blame him. He could understand that sex could be important for some people. It didn't mean that it would be easy for him, or even for Yoongi because he knew Yoongi loved him, but he would never hate his lover for doing so.
Too deep in his thoughts, Taehyung startles when he feels arms wrapping around his waist, a chest now against his back and a warm breath against his neck, making him shiver even if it isn’t cold. He would always recognize this feeling of being safe and this clean laundry smell that often soothes him. He knows it’s Yoongi, would recognise him anywhere, any time - and also because it would be creepy if it was someone else considering the door was closed and Yoongi and he were the only ones in their flat.
Yoongi doesn't say a word for a while, he just stays behind Taehyung, keeping him in his embrace and Taehyung is grateful for that. He isn't sure he wants to talk right now, not when his thoughts are such a mess. It just feels great to be in his arms, and while it eases the thoughts in his head, he can't stop the guilty feeling churning in his gut, and he can't ignore it either, no matter how much he tries to.
He's surprised that Yoongi is even awake since Taehyung had been trying his best to stay quiet and while being too deep in his thoughts, he knows he didn't make a noise. Although he's still a little anxious, from his thoughts and his overthinking, Yoongi's embrace still helps him a little, along with the wind on his face and the rain. It's funny how he always associates Yoongi with earthy things like the rain and the wind, and here they are reunited and soothing him. Taehyung likes to think that it's a sign, somehow. He isn't sure for what though but he hopes it's for a good thing.
Minutes without any words exchanged between them pass. The only sounds being their breaths, the rustling of clothes when they move a little, the wind and the rain still pouring down. It's comforting and reassuring, in a way.
It's Yoongi who breaks their silence.
"Have you been here for a long time?" He asks, his voice deep and warm from sleep.
"I'm not sure," Taehyung replies, just as softly. "Maybe," he adds because it feels like it's been a while since he left their bedroom, but at the same time, it feels like it's been five minutes at most.
Yoongi hums and presses a gentle kiss on his shoulder. It feels nice, feels like something Taehyung could never get bored of and could never forget at the same time. A touch this gentle, a kiss this comforting. He knows it’s Yoongi’s way of saying that he’s here if he wants to talk about it. And Taehyung loves him so much.
"I'm not sure why I woke up," Yoongi says, "but it didn't feel right to go back to sleep when you weren't next to me," he explains briefly, and it's like he's giving Taehyung the choice to explain why he's not in bed. Maybe he is. But it doesn't feel right to tell him the truth now. Not when Yoongi had a full day of classes, not when Taehyung knew he deserves to go back to sleep.
"Let's go back to bed, yeah?" Taehyung replies kindly because he knows they should go back to sleep, if not for himself, for Yoongi. He's not sure if he'll be able to fall asleep or if his thoughts are going to consume him again, but he still wants to try. Falling asleep next to him, maybe for the last time, with Yoongi in his arms or the opposite, with Yoongi in his arms - he's not feeling picky about it right now. It would be unfair to tell him now, and he hopes he'll be able to tell him in the morning, he hopes he won't be a coward for the nth time. But Taehyung doesn't want to make his boyfriend anxious by telling him that they'll have to talk tomorrow, even if it would truly help him to not be a coward again.
Telling him that they'll have to talk tomorrow would probably make Yoongi anxious, and then, not only Taehyung wouldn't sleep but Yoongi would probably stay awake beside him, worrying about what was happening and the what-ifs. And this was not something Taehyung wanted either. He had to talk to him, and it was for something important in their relationship, but he didn’t want to make Yoongi feel on edge with worry.
He hears Yoongi humming instead of replying, and Taehyung still feels a little on edge himself but at least he’s not alone right now. At least right now, Yoongi is still here with him, he can still feel Yoongi’s chest against his back and his breath on his neck. It keeps him grounded but he knows they can’t stay forever like that. Plus, he’s pretty sure Yoongi is trying his best not to fall asleep on him and can feel the weight of his body against his becoming heavier a little more as minutes pass by.
With a little smile, Taehyung slowly turns around and faces Yoongi and he can’t help but let his smile grow into a too fond smile when he looks at his boyfriend. Yoongi’s black bed hair is the cutest thing and it makes Taehyung want to run his hands through it for hours. He knows he’ll have the opportunity when they’ll be back in bed, laying next to each other. His gaze then lowers on Yoongi’s face, his tired eyes and exhausted look. Even half-asleep, Yoongi still meets his gaze and looks at him so lovingly back, and the corner of his smile still lifts up a little.
Taehyung wants to kiss him.
Taehyung wants to love him every day, every week, every month and every year.
Taehyung wants to love him forever.
But he isn’t sure forever is going to be possible. He isn’t sure showing Yoongi how much he loves him is going to forever be possible either, so he settles for loving him now. For loving him later, even if they break up, but won’t have the opportunity to show him, to tell him.
Taehyung can’t help but feel scared about them breaking up, but he still manages, somehow, to keep his composure. His face probably isn’t emotionless either, he’s hung out too many times around their friends to know that he probably has what they called “his Yoongi face”. The one where he looks too fondly at his boyfriend, too lovingly, but he can’t help it. Not when his boyfriend is Yoongi but his friends wouldn’t understand anyway.
He bends a little and presses a soft kiss on his forehead, and it probably lasts longer than he intended to, but Taehyung is full of love and feelings. He notices how Yoongi sighs softly and Taehyung can’t help but pull him closer in his embrace, wrapping his arms around Yoongi’s body as well - a thing that he should have done right after facing him, really.
He loves having Yoongi in his arms as much as he loves being in Yoongi’s arms, even if sometimes Yoongi pretends not to like the hugs and his attention. Taehyung knows he does, he knows because Yoongi always ends up cuddling up to him at some point, or pulling him as close as possible. He just does it in a more discreet way than Taehyung. While Taehyung is a little more like a puppy when it comes to giving his affection - he’s kind, always has been, but he’s like those puppies who don’t know strong they are and are a bit too strong when showing their affection - Yoongi is more gentle, softer but also quieter when giving his affection. Like a cat, Yoongi has his moments of showing his affection - especially during the evenings. He curls up against Taehyung, basking in Taehyung’s ways of showing affection and his gummy smile - the one that Taehyung loves so much - on display.
But there are also times when Yoongi pulls away from a hug or grumbles when Taehyung is too clingy in the morning. It’s never in a mean way though, Taehyung knows Yoongi likes his personal space sometimes and he respects that. It’s still fun to tease Yoongi with that too, occasionally, when he knows his boyfriend is only pretending. It was hard at the beginning of their friendship to differentiate the times when Yoongi was only pretending and when he genuinely needed some space. But now, Taehyung can almost read him. There are still things he has to experience with Yoongi though, and he hopes he’ll be able to learn about them.
They probably shouldn’t fit so well together with how different they are, but they do and Taehyung is so in love with him. He doesn’t want to lose him.
“Thought we were supposed to go back to bed,” Yoongi comments but Taehyung can hear a smile in his voice, so he knows he’s not in big trouble for hugging Yoongi instead of going to bed as he had announced earlier. Plus, Yoongi still presses another soft kiss on his shoulder, so. Taehyung stays winning - and if he giggled when Yoongi did that, it’s no one’s business but his and Yoongi’s.
“We were and we are,” Taehyung replied and tried to pull away from his boyfriend against his own will, but Yoongi prevents him from pulling away completely, and soon enough, there’s a hand on his cheek and who is Taehyung to deny Yoongi anything?
Yoongi doesn’t reply, but he strokes Taehyung’s cheek so gently and so softly. His hand is warm, and Taehyung can’t help but leans into the touch and closes his eyes. For now, he can pretend that everything is okay, that he is certain Yoongi won’t leave despite his asexuality. And he knows he’ll have to tell him, he knows. But right now, he wants to pretend so that Yoongi can go back to sleep without worrying too much, and so that they don’t have a heavy conversation at 5 in the morning.
His touch is welcomed, his hand now cupping his face and a thumb brushing his cheek instead.
Taehyung still leans into it.
“You wouldn’t be up at 5 in the morning if you were feeling okay,” Yoongi starts to say, in his deep but always so gentle voice. “But if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine, we don’t have to, and we can always talk about it later, or never if you think you don’t need to,” he continues while still brushing his cheek and Taehyung’s heart implodes.
He just loves him so much and he doesn’t really know what to do with all these feelings. At least he’s not crying he supposes - even if he’s close to it somehow. He knows that nothing is wrong with crying, that it’s okay to cry, that Yoongi would never judge him for that. The thing is, he wouldn’t be sure how to explain why he’s crying. The love and guilt he’s feeling are way too mixed up now, and he would probably just end up crying while trying to explain everything.
"Maybe later?" Taehyung says quietly, almost whispering the words and Yoongi only nods at that, not trying to push him to talk which Taehyung is so thankful for. He still ends up hugging Yoongi a little closer for a few seconds as a thank you, his boyfriend rubbing his back a little while doing so. It's calming but still not enough to totally calm him down. He knows that the only way for him to calm down would be to finally have this discussion.
After a minute or so, Taehyung finally pulls away and this time, Yoongi doesn't hold him back.
Taehyung closes the window while Yoongi waits for him, and when he faces him again, Yoongi only holds out his hand and Taehyung doesn't hesitate before reaching out to him. They hold hands while walking to their bedroom, and Yoongi squeezes his hand before letting go of him so they can lay down.
Once they're comfortable on the bed, Taehyung can't help but make himself a little smaller than usual. Yoongi doesn't comment on it and only wraps an arm around him to pull him a little closer because he knows Taehyung needs it right now. He knows without Taehyung telling him so because they've learnt how to be together, and it would be so hard to let go of all those things if they end up breaking up. Taehyung can't stop thinking about that either. It’s hard not to think of all the things he would miss if Yoongi leaves him.
They haven't been together for that long, but Taehyung knows what it is like to love Yoongi. He pined for quite a long time before confessing, and he wished he had confessed sooner than that since he was the one to do it first. Loving Yoongi was easy, but being with him now, after knowing how they both work, was even easier.
Taehyung doesn't think he's idealizing Yoongi. He knows and loves his qualities but he also loves his flaws. Not all of them, that would probably be a lie, but he doesn't mind them too much either. Sometimes Yoongi can be quite moody, and at the beginning of their relationships, it led to some fights because of it. Now, they don't really fight anymore. At most, Taehyung will only tease him a little and will end up doing something else - like harassing Jungkook and Jimin in their group chat. If anything, it makes Yoongi more human and Taehyung loves that.
Plus, it's not like Taehyung can pretend that he's perfect. He has his qualities but he knows he has his flaws too. It was hard at first when they started dating, but also sometimes when they were friends because Taehyung didn't really know Yoongi's limits when Taehyung would be playfully teasing him. Sometimes, it would clash - especially when Yoongi was being moody and Taehyung just wanted to be playful. He was used to Jungkook and Jimin, who would just indulge him but it wasn't the same with Yoongi. They still managed to make it work though and Taehyung was pretty proud of themselves for that.
Yoongi presses his chest against Taehyung's back since Taehyung suddenly decided that he wanted to be the little spoon for the rest of the night, and kisses the nape of his neck gently. Taehyung can’t help but sigh softly and take Yoongi’s hand in his, since his arm is around him, it makes it easier to reach out for him.
Yoongi doesn’t try to speak again, and without surprise, he’s the first one to fall asleep while Taehyung lies awake. But eventually, after a while of struggling with overwhelming thoughts, he manages to fall asleep, determined to talk about it with Yoongi.