Work Text:
Dazai was happily ignoring the stack of paperwork on his desk, when his partner walked into the common office room, carrying a huge stack of files. Atsushi, being the helpful weretiger he is, immediately stood up to take some of the files off Kunikida's hands. The two of them then went ahead to put down all the files on the blonde man's desk.
Kunikida looked around the room to check if everyone was working like they were supposed to. Of course, Dazai was slacking off, doodling on the back side of one of the official forms, humming his funny made-up suicide song.
Kunikida, of course, rushed over to yell at him, "Dazai! Get to work, right now. You're going to mess up my schedule again."
Before Dazai could say anything, Doctor Yosano walked past them, rolling her eyes, "Kunikida-san, you know he's a lost cause. You always say that, and yet he always ruins your schedules. Just let him be."
Dazai looked up at his partner and smirked, "Yes, Kunkida-san. Yosano knows me so well; I'm touched!"
Ranpo commented from across the room, munching on some weird kind of chips again, "You're not that hard to figure out, you know, Dazai."
Dazai turned around his swivel and raised his eyebrows at the agency's main detective, "Not everyone has your ultra-deduction skills, you know. I'm a mystery. There's so much you don't know about me."
Kenji, the adorable resident farmer, asked with wide eyes, "Really, Dazai-san? What don't we know?"
Dazai pretended to mull the question over in his head for a few seconds before answering, "Well, for one, none of you could figure out I used to work for the Port Mafia. And that's including you, Ranpo-san."
Ranpo quite efficiently ignored that sentence, while Atsushi mused, "I still can't believe you used to be with the Port Mafia. You really don't seem the type to ruthlessly kill."
Dazai just shrugged, but mentally, he was skimming through all the occasions on which he had, in fact, ruthlessly killed people. Little did Atsushi-kun know about his past and his true feelings. The weretiger was new, but that had nothing to do with his strong faith in Dazai. He strongly believed that Dazai was a good, noble person. Dazai would never describe himself as noble; but Atsushi would. It warmed Dazai's heart sometimes, really, but it also showed how naïve Atsushi actually was. Or maybe, he just has a different way of looking at things.
Dazai was jerked out of his thoughts when Kunikida sighed exaggeratedly, "Stop the chit-chat already. I don't have time for this today. We have a lot to do."
Sounds of complaints broke out throughout the room, but everyone turned around their chairs to go back to work anyway. Atsushi however asked cautiously, "Kunikida-san? Didn't you say you had an announcement to make?"
Kunikida snapped his fingers, "Right! That's what I was forgetting! Thank you, Atsushi-kun. Yes, the announcement. President Fukazawa has requested us to update the employee files today. Lot of our employee data hasn't been updated in a while, so we are required to do that too."
Everyone just made a sound of acknowledgement before turning back to their desks. Kunikida however, after going through his notes, spoke again, "Right, and one of the most important fields for the employee records to update today is marital status. Now, I know some of you have already filled the marital status field in the files, but we need your spouse to come in and sign a few papers. You know, emergency contacts and such. We'll need to inform them if something happens to any of you during missions."
Yosano scoffed loudly, "Really, Kunikida-san? Which one of us looks married to you?"
Kunikida scratched his head, "Well, none really, but it's still a requirement. Alright, get back to work. I'll be at my desk going through your records if you have any questions."
Before Dazai could ask one of his usual silly questions, Kunikida added, "No, Dazai, I cannot buy you more poisonous mushrooms. Get back to work."
Everyone laughed at that, before actually going back to work this time. For the next hour, everyone just quietly did their work. Ranpo handed over his paperwork to the weretiger, claiming he was too busy and had snacks to eat. Dazai just ignored his paperwork as usual, reading his suicide book again. Kunikida was busy doing exactly what he said he would.
A while later, Kunikida suddenly jerked up straight, banging his head against something, which got everyone's attention. They stared at him amusedly as he took off his glasses and cleaned them before putting them on again to stare at the file on his table. He blinked a few times, still staring at the file, before slowly turning to Dazai, "Hey, Dazai. It says here that you're married."
Before Dazai could even react, his co-workers in the agency were quick to give their varied reactions. Everyone burst out laughing, except Atsushi and Tanazaki, who just gaped at both Dazai and Kunikida. Yosano pretended to wipe her tears, "Kunikida, when did you learn how to crack a joke?"
Ranpo nodded in agreement, "Yeah, and keep it up! It's really funny!"
Kunikida stared at them, "I'm not joking. It really does say here that Dazai is married."
That made Yosano and Ranpo scoff, and the two of them got up and actually walked over to Kunikida's desk to look at the file. Yosano blinked, "Wait, so Dazai is really married?"
Ranpo stared at the the married man in question, "Are you sure it's not a prank, Dazai?"
Kunikida nodded, "Yeah, who in their right minds would marry you?"
Dazai just shrugged, "I suppose there is someone, isn't there? Considering I am really married."
Atsushi gaped at his mentor, "Wait, you're really married? How come you never told us?"
Dazai just smiled, "It never came up. But alright, don't worry, I'll ask him to come over to sign the papers."
Yosano blinked again, "Him? If you're married to a man, why are you always asking women to commit double suicide with you?"
Dazai sighed exaggeratedly, "Well you see, my darling husband refuses to commit a lovers' suicide with me. Hence, I have to look elsewhere to fulfil my dream!"
Kunikida muttered under his breath, "Jesus Christ, I really don't have time for this today." He said aloud, "Alright, get back to work, for god's sake. Dazai is married; we get it."
But, of course, getting back to work was easier said that done. Nobody could stop thinking about the fact that Dazai Osamu of all people was married. They couldn't wait to meet his said husband either. Of course, they had no idea that all of them already knew said husband.
Sometime in the afternoon, when everyone was tired of working and were quite easily slacking off, the ceilings and floors of the room shook with medium-intensity tremor, as the door to the agency opened and someone walked in... On the ceilings, quite unexpectedly.
Kenji exclaimed in delight, alerting the new-comer's presence, "Oh, look! It's Mister Gravity-Man!"
Gravity man? Nakahara Chuuya was here? Why?! Nobody knew what to think as they all pulled out their guns, focusing the firing tip on the short redhead. Everyone except Dazai, of course. He just laughed in excitement as the redhead floated down back to the floor, and landed in front of Dazai, "Chuuya~! What an unexpected visit! Are you here because you missed me?"
Kunikida commanded, "Stand back! What's going on? Why is the Port Mafia executive here?"
Atsushi reminded him gently, his voice hesitant, "Um, Kunikida-san, I don't think you need to worry. We are on a temporary alliance with the Port Mafia, after all."
Chuuya just ignored them both as he punched Dazai in the stomach, "Shut the fuck up, you waste of bandages. I'm here because you asked me to come here!"
Yosano looked at her bandage-wearing co-worker questioningly, "You asked the executive to come here? What for?"
Dazai rolled his eyes and he slipped an arm around Chuuya's waist, making the latter squirm, "Why, to sign Kunikida's paperwork, of course! The employee records?"
Chuuya shrugged Dazai's arm off, "Get your filthy hands off me, you shitty mackerel. I'll kill you."
Everyone slowly put their guns down, once they saw that Dazai was comfortable around his supposed ex-partner. Kunikida asked, "What paperwork? Why would we need the Port Mafia executive to sign something? This isn't in my schedule?"
Dazai subtly stroked the side of the redhead's neck with his thumb, "Don't be silly, Kunikida-san! Chibi is here to sign my marital records, obviously."
The room was so silent, that one could here a pin drop. A few seconds later, everyone exclaimed together, "What?!"
Dazai glanced at his co-workers with a cheeky smile, "What? Didn't I tell you I'm married to this little hat-rack? Oops, my bad!"
Chuuya punched Dazai's stomach again, "Oi, shut up, will you, shitty Dazai? Don't call me that you bastard. I'll file for divorce, I swear."
Dazai laughed happily, "That's what Chibi always says! But you love me too much, Chibi."
Chuuya cursed explicitly under his breath before focussing his glare on Kunikida, "Hey, you. Can I get the papers I need to sign already? I'd rather not be in the same room as this asshole more than necessary."
Kunikida just blankly pulled out Dazai's files and handed them to his husband, still not knowing what to say. Chuuya went ahead to sign the papers, complaining as Dazai clung to him, his arms around the redhead's neck. Chuuya easily pushed him off when he was done signing everything, "Dazai, I swear to god, I'll kill you someday."
Dazai smirked at him, letting him know what was coming. Before Chuuya could protest, the taller man bent down to kiss him in front of everyone. His husband could easily have pulled away and gotten away with murdering him despite the six or so witnesses, but he didn't. He however did pull away a few seconds later, "I want a divorce."
Dazai's laughter rung out throughout the room, surprising everyone. They rarely got to hear Dazai's laugh, after all. The man in question just fondly shook his head at his short, cute husband, "That's what you've been saying for five years, Chibikko."
Chuuya just stared at him for a few seconds before laughing. Dazai laughed some more as he pulled off Chuuya's hat and kissed the top of his head. The little one complained, but secretly (or maybe not so secretly), he had a fond look on his face as he shoved away his husband, eliciting another happy laugh from him.
And as for the others? They just gaped at the newly discovered couple in the room, two words running around in their heads.
Five years?!
How did nobody ever figure out? Including Ranpo?
But like, five years?!