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Chef Gordan Ramsey stood before his groups of chefs, who stood before the pass in their two teams of Red and Blue. It was still early in this season of Hell’s Kitchen. Each team still had six members. Because of the even numbers Chef Ramsey had decided that a head to head challenge featuring Italian cuisine would be just the thing. (Of course, this challenge was planned in advance, per the production schedule. Had there been an uneven number of contestants, it still would have happened, just with some finagling of who got to serve what.) Today, he also had quite the interesting judge to help him on this challenge.
“Alright,” said Chef Ramsey, clapping his hands together once. “For this challenge, I will not be judging your Italian pasta dishes alone. I have brought today a very special guest. His restaurant, Sia la Luce, has recently been awarded a Michelin Star. And, he is a specialist in Italian cuisine. Here from Okinawa, Japan, please welcome Chef Kojiro Nanjo.”
(The little microphone that was strapped on Chef Nanjo itched. None of the bands they had were wide enough to get around his chest without causing a pinch. The producer gestured for Chef Nanjo to walk forward. He pushed open the doors to the restaurant/set with both hands.)
All the contestants applauded as Chef Nanjo walked into the main dining room, a translator trailing behind him, and shook hands with Chef Ramsey while exchanging a greeting in French. Of course, the reactions of the contestants were varied despite the applause. Most of the women’s team, all wearing chef’s coats with red shoulder panels, looked starry eyed, a condition that worsened when Chef Nanjo winked in their direction. The men’s team, all wearing chef’s coats with blue shoulders, was largely unaffected, except for one who looked besotted, and another who was holding onto his hat like it was the only thing keeping his head to his body.
“Now. You will present your dishes in pairs based on the type of pasta that you used, and Chef Nanjo will give a point to the chef that he deems to have served the better dish. As you can expect, the team with the most points wins.” While Chef Ramsey explained, Chef Nanjo’s translator repeated it in quick and quiet Japanese.
(One of the producers gestured to a camera person to not pick up the translator in the shot. Thankfully Chef Nanjo’s torso was so wide that it helped the cameras out in that endeavor.)
“First, let us have the battle of the Tagliatelle.”
The first two chefs brought up their dishes, and explained what they were in turn. Chef Nanjo looked attentive as they spoke. (Of course he was listening very attentively to his translator, though he absolutely knew some of the words spoken where they crossed over with Italian or French cuisine.)
When Chef Nanjo tasted the dishes, he did his best to keep his expression neutrally pleasant. The ribbons of pasta expertly spun on his fork against the edge of the plates they were assembled on. For this pair the facade was rather easy, though he could easily point to the Red team as the point winner.
The second pair of dishes, based around manicotti, were similarly fine. Neither was overly offensive, but also neither was amazing. It seemed that they had a bit of trouble with doing something inventive. Usually, manicotti was just used in a baked dish, with the large pasta shapes filled with cheese and cooked in a pan with some tomato based sauce. Between them, however, the Blue Team chef’s offering had a small edge.
All the horror stories that Chef Nanjo had heard about with potentially horrid food were turning out to be overblown. Same with the warnings about the intense reality show personalities.
He thought this too soon.
The third pairing, dueling ravioli, was presented by a stone faced Red Team chef, and the hat-holding Blue Team chef. While the Blue Team representative was explaining his ravioli he kept stumbling over his words to speak at three decibels higher than his voice whenever Chef Nanjo poked at the pasta and asked questions via Chef Ramsey in French.
At least the Red Team chef was able to explain her dish without sounding like a dying squeaker toy. It was too bad that hers also happened to be bland as all hell.
Point to the Blue Team again, and the chef that won it looked like he was going to jump out of his chef’s coat and run around the restaurant/set in his underwear screaming for joy.
(The producer took a note that that chef’s side interview would be perfect. Get lots of takes, they were bound to be the most re-watched portion of the episode.)
Where the third pair had broken the streak for not encountering loud personalities, the fourth pair broke Chef Nanjo’s streak for not encountering horrid food. He looked down at the Blue Team’s plate of Tortellini, back up at the chef that presented it, and very deliberately pushed the plate as far away from himself on the table as he could manage.
“That bad, eh?” said Chef Ramsey, a smirk lifting one corner of his mouth.
“Oui. Red Team point.”
The next plates did not impress either. Chef Nanjo only needed to eat one gnocchi from each dish to know exactly how terrible they were. He picked up his and Chef Ramsey’s forks and threw them at the chefs across the table.
(The producer whisper-shouted into her headset’s microphone to make sure that incident stayed in the final cut. Editing gold for the recap and previews spots. Also, to have a gopher get two more forks for the last meals of the challenge.)
Chef Nanjo awarded no points.
So the two teams were tied at two points. It came down to the last pair of chefs and their dishes.
(The producer was very happy with this outcome. While sometimes it was fun when a challenge had one team utterly destroying the other, the ties and the other close victories made for better talking head interviews between. Letting the chefs expound on their feelings upped the ratings.)
“The battle of the Mezzelune,” said Chef Ramsey, gesturing for the two chefs to bring their dishes up to the table to be judged. Chef Nanjo crossed his arms for effect, playing up just how sincerely he was upset about the previous round of food, and that these two would need to do much to win back his good graces.
He tried the Red Team offering, then the Blue Team offering. Both were more than able to make up for the previous. The pasta was cooked to perfect al dente. The seasoning within each Mezzelune was perfectly seasoned and the sides well balanced for acid and umami flavorings. But one did indeed have the edge in his mind.
Chef Nanjo made a thinking pose, looking at both of the dishes.
“I can only choose one,” he said to Chef Ramsey in French. “Which is unfortunate, as they are both very good. However, there was one I favor, as it has a more bold flavor, while also being inventive, and respectful, with how Mezzelune is used in Italian cooking. That one is….” Chef Nanjo switched to English for his last two words: “Red Point.”
The Red Team instantly burst into cheering. One punched the air and spun in place, another was bent double from the force of her shouted elation. On the other side of the set, the Blue Team were in an equal state of devastation. None of them were crying or emoting, but there was a general air of despair as they waited to hear what punishment was awaiting them. The one in the hat looked like he had just been told that his first born child had been killed.
Chef Nanjo almost felt bad for him. He shook Chef Ramsey’s hand, waved to the chefs, and gave an extra wink over to the Red Team.
(The producer checked a camera to make sure that the wink was captured. It would be a great ending note to show off Chef Nanjo’s personality.)
It would be several months before the episode that Joe was on aired. In the meantime, the fact that he was on TV nestled like a baby chick in his chest, a secret that he couldn’t wait to unleash upon the world. He decided to make a day of it, inviting the whole crew - Kaoru, Reiki, Miya, Shadow, Langa, Adam, and Tadashi - to a viewing party. The special food he made to share were cannolis, a new dessert recipe that he was using at Sia la Luce.
Kaoru arrived first, crossing his arm in his sleeves. “This had better be important, since you’re making it a thing.”
“As if I would tear you away from your robot fucking for anything else.”
“Gauche Goril-”
Joe shoved a cannoli into Kaoru’s mouth before he could finish. Kaoru bit through it, chewed a moment, then swallowed, “Cherry blossom cannoli?”
“Just try calling me gauche again, why don’t you.”
“Gauche Gorilla.”
Any further arguing was interrupted by Reki and Langa charging through the door, with Miya on their heels and yawning while he played some handheld game. At the same time, Joe’s phone buzzed with a text from Tadashi, saying that there was an emergency meeting that neither he or Adam could get away from yet, so they wouldn’t be able to make it. Joe had a feeling that that was code for Adam needing some time to recalibrate himself. It wouldn’t stop him from trying to reach out, even if Adam and Tadashi had rejected most of his offers.
“Hey, um… my mom said I should bring this?” said Langa, giving Joe a bottle of wine, and a liter of lemon-lime soda. “Host gift, I guess.”
Joe took the wine, looking at the label. Middle shelf, but a decent brand. Italian too, how thoughtful. “Thanks, your mother has good taste.”
Shadow was the last to arrive, his work apron slung over one arm.
Between settling everyone down with cannolis and the drink that fit their legal status, Joe got the episode linked up on his television. They all watched in relative silence, interspersed with some initial laughter as the talking head interviews emphasized that they didn’t know what was going to happen next. Kaoru gave Joe a sharp look when the Michelin Star was mentioned, but it went over the heads of everyone else.
Then the worst thing happened.
The camera had focused on that one chef that kept holding his hat, showing just how much he was grinning and was shocked. It cut to a talking head interview, the same chef. “I’m freaking out right now. Just so freaking out. Not because of his Michelin Star or anything like that, it’s just… I. Okay, I’m into the underground skateboarding scene and. And just. I know him. I know Chef Nanjo from watching him doing that, and I’m absolutely living. And now he’s going to eat my food. My food. I’m just…. I have to do well. I have to.”
Everyone in Joe’s living room turned towards him.
Langa and Miya looked blank, but what else was Joe to expect there. He wasn’t going to get back up from that angle. Reki had a shit eating grin on. Shadow just looked grumpy. And Kaoru…
Kaoru looked like he was given the key to making Carla a chassis that didn’t ever need to be recharged.
Joe’s phone vibrated on the counter in the kitchen. “I gotta get that.” He retreated, and picked it up before he looked at the caller ID. “Yeah?”
“Well, that is an interesting reaction to your presence.”
“Goddamnit, Adam.”
Adam chuckled. It sounded like he’d been smoking recently.
“Shall I make that chef’s day with a free trip to see you? I’m sure that it would be quite entertaining.”
“Maybe for you,” Joe grouched.
“Oh, and congratulations on that award. I’ll have Tadashi get you a gift.” Adam hung up before Joe could gear up to have his own last word.
Kaoru had paused the episode when Joe left to pick up his phone, and rewound it so that they could watch the glory of the talking head interview again, and the glory of Joe sinking into his couch.