Chapter Text
'Cause I've spent my whole life searching desperately
To find out that grace requires nothing
Grace requires nothing of me
He was known to be competitive during a game, but on this specific day, during the semi-finals of the National Seoul-Dome Ice Hockey Tournament, the 'Punisher', Yoo Joonghyuk, was going a bit too far. Through an accumulation of penalties and time-outs ranging from not trusting his allies with the puck, and roughing to unsportsmanlike conduct, the Center player of the 'Regressor' Team was, to the crowd's greatest disappointment, holding them back several turns.
Regressors: 4 — Dokkaebi: 7
Right Wing Forward, Lee Hyunsung, glanced at the scoreboard and then turned to Joonghyuk in the penalty box who had his head down as their coach, Namgung Min-Yeong, gave him another lecture. Hyunsung had tried comforting Joonghyuk, telling him that everything would be alright and that they would eventually overtake their opponents like they always do. However, with only 5 minutes left on the timer, he doubted that would happen anytime soon. The ringing of the horn sounded across the ice rink and the Dokkaebi gathered together near the goalpost, cheers of victory carried as opposed to the silent defeat of the Regressors amongst the penalty box. The youngest member of the group, Namwoon Kim, was the first to speak.
"What is this bullshit?!" He screamed to the Punisher, fury overtaking his fear of possibly being pulverized by his senior later, "Joonghyuk-Hyung, we know you're rough on the ice and like doing things solo, but now you cost us the game! We could have gone to finals if it wasn't for—"
"Enough."Namgung Min-Yeong held up her hand before rubbing the side of her head as if she were developing a giant headache, "He knows he fucked up, though it's not like him. We just have to keep practicing and work harder on teamwork and skating techniques. I noticed a lot of you struggle to stop before going offside."
Yoo Joonghyuk knew that Coach was trying to shift the blame to the improvement of the team in general, but from the looks on everyone's faces, it was clear that what Namwoon said was right. Joonghyuk cost them the game and their trust in him. The news would be spread on social media sites like 'Star Stream' soon enough: Punisher Being Punished; Centre pushed to the Side; Regressors' Sunfish, Yoo Joonghyuk, kills the team's chance at finals.
Joonghyuk did not apologize for his actions, they knew he was not the type to do that. He headed to the changing room first, packed his belongings, and quietly left the rink through the lonely space of a silent night. He switched his phone off to avoid the notifications that bombarded his phone.
* * *
As I raised my hands to the audience, my final move of the agonizing choreography, the time came to a temporary stop as the crowd cheered. I noticed a blur of standing ovations and splatter-paint of colorful petals littering the ice while I gasped for air, tears threatening to escape. Why? Why are you celebrating when I failed so miserably? When I tripped on a crack in the ice, they certainly saw that, and when I messed up my spin in the bridge of the composition. I should have known that a specific combination of lutz and axel would be detrimental to my performance in the competition. My first time in the World Figure Skating Tournament and one slip-up cost me the chance of ranking in the top five.
In the next movements, I felt as if I were existing outside of my body, watching myself glide to the edge of the ring, waving to the audience with a fake smile plastered on my face. Three. I made three crucial mistakes during my performance. It was bad enough that I could barely land a simple toe-loop at the beginning, but I completely crashed on my back for the quadruple axel in the second verse. To average watchers in the stands, they would not care that much and be impressed with the rest of the dance, but to the judges, my competitors, and all the media writers, including that of Star Stream, it was the worst thing that could happen to a participant in the finals.
My coach, Kyrgios Rodgraim, gave me a firm grip on my shoulder, staring into my eyes as if he could search my face for the truth (which he did successfully because he knew I would probably beat myself up about this until the day I died). I tried shaking him off, but his hand held tight as he guided me to the bench nearby, gesturing for a volunteer to give me bottled water.
The next few minutes were an emotionless process of walking to the changing room, getting dressed, stress eating, and constantly pondering on the results I would get. By the time I moved back to the main bench, the camera on me and Kyrgios, the painful smile appeared on my lips again when I received my score, waving as the teasing applause rang out. Meanwhile, my mind was a void of self-disappointment and embarrassment, an abyss of regret.
“Where does my disciple think he’s going?” Kyrgios asked me after the top 3 skaters made it to the ranking platform in the center of the ice rink, while I was busy making my way to the exit with my phone in hand, “You’re not going to sulk on your own, are you? Sure you don’t want to join me in a drinking game? Drown out your sorrows, maybe. I’m sure your Uncle Dionysis won’t mind.”
Typical of my coach to try and comfort me with the concept of a distracting hangover. I let out a forced laugh, flicking my hand towards him. “You go on ahead. I’m completely fine, I’ll get over it... I just need to be on my own for a while, that’s all.”
He hesitated for a moment, not believing me for a second, before nodding and allowing me to go off by myself. I don’t understand why he treats me like a child still since I’m literally 27 years old. However, the fact that I am that old is one of the main factors of critique I receive on social media.
Trending on Star Stream
#KimDokjaFalls #MostAncientDream #UglySquidSlips #FigureSkatingFlop
#AggressiveCentre #PunisherBeingPunished #RegressorsSunfish #YooJonghyeokPenaltyBox
Here we go again, I thought as I walked into the train cabin with my mask on and a cap covering my hair to disguise my appearance. It had always been a tradition for me to read the majority of my day’s notifications on the subway. If only I could leave all my worries and insecurities from those messages on the train as well.
[SiwonLover69]: that guy, Kim Dokja, is old news, he might as well drop out of the game lol, three falls in the finals lolol
[Small Fryer]: Tru, Ugly Squid remains irrelevant kekeke
[Ass_modeuss]: Isn't he turning 28? Shouldn't he be retiring, like, that tripping shows that he's been skating for too long, might as well drop out now #MostAncientDream
I scrolled through the posts and comments, my finger swiping effortlessly to find word after word of gossip. At one point, I was snapped out of my thoughts by a disgusting living organism that jumped onto my lap, frightening me.
"I'm so sorry!" a little boy apologized, running to grab the creature before placing it back in his plastic box, "Sorry for disturbing you."
I didn't even notice my surroundings until now. There were only about five people in cabin 3807, including this insect-obsessed young boy with brown hair and black shorts (it's quite cold outside though, aren't his parents worried about that?). He was holding a net and the plastic box was filled with a handful of brown, roach-like critters. I glanced at the woman who was watching us carefully— she was likely his guardian— who hesitated before looking at her phone as if the idea of her child talking to a complete stranger wasn't suspicious at all.
I squinted my eyes to make it seem as if I was smiling under my mask. "No problem, roaches are a great way to distract me from my phone."
"I-it's actually a grasshopper!" he corrected me in a shy manner, then drew back in embarrassment, "Sorry, I know that my interests are weird. A lot of people make fun of me for it."
My eyes widened at his sad expression as he looked down in shame. I knew that look all too well: I've worn it the entire ride. Out of complete sympathy, I welcomed him to sit down beside me so he would not trip if the train decided to halt suddenly. He obliged before I asked him his name.
"Lee Gilyoung," the boy answered confidently, "I like reading about bugs these days. Because there are so many different kinds of insects with unique designs, isn't that so cool, Hyung?"
"You can call me Dokja," I chuckled, "And yes, I do find it really cool. On that point of people making fun of you, I'll give you a little advice: don't worry about them. As long as you do what you love, and what you're passionate about, it doesn't matter what anyone else says."
I spoke as if I knew the feeling of ignoring bullies or hateful comments. I acknowledged my hypocrisy of giving advice, without following it myself. However, Gilyoung's face lit up when I suggested it to him.
"Do you have a passion too, Dokja-Hyung?" he asked curiously, "Have you felt the same as I do when it comes to being made fun of for what you like?"
He was a smart kid, hit the nail right on the head, with a hammer of lighting. I cleared my throat before answering truthfully, "Yes, I have a passion for skating, you see. And sometimes there's a lot of criticism in the world if you don't skate correctly, but it's still very satisfying to successfully skate on ice."
Gilyoung stared at me, then asked, "Do you give lessons maybe?"
I blinked at him in confusion for a second and laughed, "Skating lessons? Are you interested in ice skating now, Gilyoung?"
I do give skating lessons to youngsters, one of my many students being Shin Yoosung (the most talented ice skater for her age, if I do say so myself). I do take a lot of pride in my incarnations. Gilyoung blushed and looked down at the green lid of his box. His shyness amused me so much to the point where I offered to give my number to his guardian if he ever wanted to see me again while giving him ice skating lessons. He immediately rushed to the lady on the phone explaining to her what I said.
I felt a presence watching me from the corner of my eye on the train and turned to see a white-haired boy quickly looking out of the window as if he had not watched that whole encounter. I swear he looked quite familiar too but decided to ignore it when Gilyoung's guardian asked for my contact details, excited that her child was finally interested in something other than bugs.
* * *
I waved to Gilyoung as I left the train, fixing my mask which slipped off slightly while I was talking to him. I made my way home, connecting my earphones to my phone to listen to music and calm my thoughts. I decided to go to my favorite album and play the first song. Although it's in English, when I saw the translations in Korean a few years back, I decided to memorize the lyrics for all nine songs.
Hold on for a minute, cos I believe that we can fix this over time
And every imperfection is a lie, or at least an interruption.
The album is called 'Atlas: Enneagram' by the band Sleeping At Last, nine songs associated with respective personality types, used as a tool for empathy and excavating a person’s essence. I use it extensively in my own journey of personal growth, despite not knowing the type I am, or which of the nine songs resonate with me the most. As humans, we are all a combination of certain personalities, and all songs spoke out to me when I read the translations, so I guess I am still searching for the one that describes me best.
While I listened to the song, I crossed the Deus Ex Machina: the bridge of even numbers. It got the name from the rumors of suicides from jumping from the edge because the victims were so lonely that they didn't have a significant other, i.e., an even number of people, so they'd drown from grief. It's a tragic rumor but intrigued me nonetheless. I pressed my body to the edge of the bridge, looking out into the lake below. It was incredibly dark and creepy, even if I wanted to drown, I'd still be too cowardly to jump into the water for fear of being approached by a giant sea monster or something. Before I could move away from the edge, the song ended and I took my earphones out. Only then did I hear a series of footsteps coming toward me at a rapid pace.
My heart stopped for a second at the realization that a stranger was coming for me and I considered jumping just to get away from them as thoughts of being robbed of my belongings, or even abused, were far more life-threatening than imagining a sea monster in the lake. I hooked my foot on the railing, but it was already too late as a strong hand gripped my collar and pulled me to face him while pushing me against the railing.
"What the hell are you doing?!" the deep voice demanded, moving to hold me by the neck.
I was in too much shock to reply, staring at the familiar face of the most handsome man I'd ever seen. His eyebrows were seemingly drawn by a single, uninterrupted stroke of a famed artist's brush; a nose and a chin shaped in perfect angles that defied attempts to measure them through mere devices of men; a pair of deep eyes seemingly carved out of a beautiful jewel containing all the misfortunes found in this world. If someone saw those features and not get immediately drawn in by them, then there must be something wrong with that person. He reminded me of the protagonist of my favorite Webnovel, Three Ways To Survive An Apocalypse.
"Why do you so wish to die?" he spoke again, waiting for my answer, "Do you not realize the value of life or the people you hurt if you aren't alive?"
Oh… This son of a bitch thought I was going to commit suicide. A part of me was touched that this man was eager to help a stranger from jumping to their death, but another part of me wanted to slap him at the back of the head for literally choking me to prove his point. Why was he so aggressive?
Then it hit me like a punch to the gut… #AggressiveCentre #PunisherBeingPunished #RegressorsSunfish #YooJoonghyukPenaltyBox
No wonder his handsome face was so familiar. This man was the most attractive ice hockey player in Korea. If it were under different circumstances, I'd thank whichever being for giving me the opportunity to be pinned down by someone like Yoo Joonghyuk, but considering the fact that he thinks I am suicidal, my arousal levels were non-existent and more on terms of 'Please get me the hell out of this situation before this man suffocates me'.
I didn't even think twice about the words that tumbled out of my mouth next, out of desperation. "How are you going to encourage someone not to kill themselves by trying to kill them yourself? You idiot, stop choking me!"
The Sunfish Bastard widened his eyes at my outburst, loosening his grip on my neck but still holding tight onto my collar as if I would jump the second he completely let go of me (I probably would have jumped, though, in all honesty). I breathed heavily, as my lungs gasped for air from the neglected pressure.
"Shouldn't you show more respect to the person who saved your life?" Yoo Joonghyuk asked, sneering at my insult.
"Why should I?" I replied, my hand grabbing his bicep (he definitely works out), "I wasn't going to kill myself. Also, you're younger than me, Punisher Yoo Joonghyuk, so you're the one who should show me some respect."
He flinched at the recognition of his name and glared at me. I must have hit a nerve by mentioning that I knew about him, especially now that Star Stream was trending his recent failure alongside mine.
"Name," he said.
"What?"
"What is your name?"
Yoo Joonghyuk probably felt a bit vulnerable from the fact that I had the upper hand in knowing his identity, but he had no information about me. I wanted to lie, out of spite, but he'd likely suspect it if I answered with a name like 'Ricardo von Kaizenix' or something, so I just ended up telling the truth.
"Kim Dokja," I admitted, "You've probably seen by now, on Star Stream, my failures have trended even faster than yours, can you believe it? Though, I have a feeling you don't check social media or anything so you wouldn't know anything about me."
Joonghyuk's hold on me loosened and I saw a flicker of pity in his eyes when I acknowledged my failure and my lack of presence in his ice skating knowledge. He spoke, almost mumbling, "Is that why you wanted to do it? Because of the response to your failure?"
He was still convinced I was going to jump off the bridge to my death? I groaned in frustration and squirmed from his grasp, "Just let go already and get lost, you son of a bitch."
He did let me go eventually and I speed-walked away from him in the direction of home, hoping I would never get to meet this psychopath again. Before I completely stepped off the bridge, I turned around and saw the Regressor walking in the direction from which he came. It was the first time I noticed Yoo Joonghyuk's back was so big and wide. His back was wide and lonely.
* * *
Bloopers
[Demon-Like Judge of Fire]: @SiwonLover69 you call Dokja old news but your bio says ur 34yrs old, embarrassing 4u
[Demon-Like Judge of Fire]: @Small Fryer YOU LITTLE SH⬛!! TALK ABOUT ⬛⬛CK⬛G RELEVANCE FOR YOURSELF ⬛⬛⬛⬛. Your existence is irrelevant kekeke!!!
[Demon-Like Judge of Fire]: @Ass_modeuss your opinion is ⬛ss just like your username ⬛⬛⬛ ⬛⬛⬛!!
[Judge of Salvation]: Jesus, Uriel, not again.