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Hiccup waited eagerly for Gothi to remove the bandages from around Astrid’s eyes. It had been a week or so since the incident that had blinded her, and her eyes had needed darkness to recover. That time had been hard for Astrid, but Hiccup had been there for her, helping her whenever she needed it. He knew how it was getting adjusted to a disability, even if this one was just temporary.
Astrid blinked open her beautiful blue eyes, and Hiccup waited for a smile to light on her face at seeing once again. Instead, her eyes casted around, looking distant.
Hiccup’s stomach fell and his heart sank.
Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no.
“I… I don’t see you,” Astrid said brokenly. “I don’t see anything. ”
Hiccup looked desperately to Gothi for an answer, reaching out a hand to take one of Astrid’s. Gothi just shook her head. Gobber was with them to translate.
“Gobber, what does that mean? Tell me!” Hiccup didn’t mean to snap it, but he was so scared, so worried. Could Astrid really not see? Maybe her eyes just had to get adjusted to light again. Yeah, that was it.
Gothi began scribbling in the sand with her staff, and Hiccup looked at the figures that were mostly meaningless to him. He would have to learn them.
“Gothi told Astrid this could happen,” Gobber said sadly. “That… that the blindness might be permanent.”
“No.” Hiccup shook his head. “No, it can’t be.”
“Hiccup, it’s okay,” Astrid said. She squeezed his hand. There were tears streaming down her face. “I swear.”
“It’s not okay!” Hiccup stormed up to Gothi. He jabbed a finger at her shoulder in anger. “You said this would fix her! You said the blindness would go away!”
Astrid turned towards Hiccup, tracking him by sound. She reached out, and Hiccup gave her his hand, knowing what she wanted.
“She… she told that to you so you wouldn’t worry as much,” Astrid said. She still sounded broken, like she was suppressing sobs. “She told me the truth.”
Hiccup furiously shook his head, turned back to Astrid. He took her by the shoulders. “No. No, I won’t let this be the truth. You’re not okay with this. I know you’re not.”
“I’m not,” Astrid whispered. “I’m not, I’m not. But… but I can’t do it. I can’t break down. Not in front of everyone like this.”
Tears stung at Hiccup’s eyes. He understood that. Astrid was a warrior, and she perceived crying as weakness.
“Where do you want me to take you?” Hiccup asked, sliding his hand down her arm to intertwine with her fingers. He was acting like his anger was fading, but it really wasn’t. He couldn’t take that out on anyone though. No, it wouldn’t be right. This wasn’t Gothi’s fault. This was no one’s fault.
“Is your dad home?” Astrid asked quietly. Hiccup brushed some tears from her face.
“No,” he answered. “We can go to my house.”
Gothi tapped Hiccup on the shoulder, and he turned around, found that she was holding out a smooth, wooden staff.
“It’s for Astrid,” Gobber explained. “To know where she’s walking.”
That was smart, Hiccup realized. He took the staff and carefully put it in Astrid’s hand. He held her other hand.
“Think you can make it down the stairs?” Hiccup asked.
Astrid sniffled. “We’ll just go slow.”
And so they did. Hiccup could feel Astrid shaking almost the entire way, scared of one wrong step that would send her toppling all the way to the bottom. Hiccup wouldn’t let that happen though. That was why he held onto her the entire way. He wasn’t going to let anything bad happen to her. Never again.
Astrid blew out a huge breath when she made it to the bottom. She was shaking a little more now, but probably from relief. She swung the staff back and forth in front of her as she slowly walked. Hiccup was about to tell her how to avoid a stone in her path, but the staff cracked against it, and Astrid moved out of the way. She’d already spent over a week blind, and had been learning to use her other senses. Hiccup had to admit: he was a little proud of her. She was adjusting very quickly. At least, physically. He didn’t know how she was doing emotionally. Maybe he would find out once they got to his house.
Astrid slowly ascended the steps to the house, Hiccup helping her. The staff seemed to be helping her a lot as well. Once inside, he helped her sit, and then began lighting the fire. Astrid didn’t need light, but he did at least.
Oh, that hurt him. That hurt him bad. But he couldn’t make this about him. This wasn’t about him. Though, he felt a little shaky when he sat, as if he’d been the one that had just descended Gothi’s stairs blind.
Hiccup reached across the table to take Astrid’s hand, but then stopped himself. He didn’t want to seem overly protective or even clingy. What if Astrid didn’t want his touch right now?
“Are you okay?” It seemed like the stupidest question to ask, but he didn’t know what else to ask.
After a long while of nothing, of just tears, Astrid shook her head. “I-I know Gothi to-told me it might be p-permanent, but… oh gods!” She laid her head down on the table in her arms and sobbed. Now, Hiccup stood, came around the table to her. He didn’t know what to do, so he just rubbed her back as she cried. He wanted to cry too, but he didn’t want to take the attention away from her, attention that she very sorely needed.
After some time, Astrid quieted, lifted her head. She sniffled, wiped her nose on her arm. “I’m sorry, Hiccup,” she said sullenly. “I don’t just lose my composure like that.”
Hiccup knelt on the floor in front of her, took her hands in his, and she turned in the chair to face him, though she couldn’t see him. Her eyes looked at him, but didn’t see him. There was no recognition of sight there.
“Astrid, you have nothing to apologize for. This is… this is a lot. You have every right to your emotions.”
Astrid pursed her lips, nodded. For a while, she said nothing, just squeezed Hiccup’s hands.
“What am I supposed to do?” she asked in a whisper.
“What you always do,” Hiccup said. “You get back up. You adjust. You learn. It’s… It’s hard. Trust me - I know - but I believe you can do it.” Hiccup did know. It had taken him a very long time to adjust to the loss of his leg. He’d cried a lot in the beginning, at night when no one was around to see or hear, but eventually, he’d come to find acceptance in his disability. It was a part of him, and that was okay. He had to live with it, and so he would. Astrid had to go through the same process, but he was sure she could do it. It would just take time.
“I don’t know, Hiccup,” Astrid said. She shook her head. “I don’t… I don’t know if I can do it.”
“You can, Astrid.” Not thinking, Hiccup kissed the back of her hand. They hadn’t really talked about their feelings since the incident with Sleuther, but there was something there between them, something quietly intimate and unspoken. “I believe in you.”
“I just don’t know if I believe in myself.”
That night, Astrid lay alone in her bed, wishing she had someone with her, wishing she had Hiccup. She opened her eyes, sure she was staring at the wall, but not seeing it. She’d used the staff to walk back to her house, and Hiccup had helped her every step of the way. She’d tripped only once, but he’d steadied her and kept her from falling. She’d twisted her left knee doing that, and it pulsed with pain at the moment, but that, she could deal with. This blindness? No. No, she couldn’t.
But Hiccup believed that she could, and Hiccup had gone through the grieving process of gaining a disability before. He knew just how hard it was, so Astrid would be able to go to him, lament to him, confide in him. She’d be able to do what she couldn’t with anyone else.
And, she felt like it was because she loved him. She’d known it for quite a while now. Heather had pointed it out to her as well. She loved Hiccup Haddock, and well, maybe he loved her back. He had kissed her hand earlier.
Astrid closed her eyes, rubbed at the spot on her hand where his lips had been, wishing she could still feel them. Yes, she wished that he was here.
After a while of lying there and doing nothing, Astrid got up. Her parents had moved her bed downstairs so that she wouldn’t have to use the stairs, which, she hated to admit that she was grateful for. She struggled to put on a cloak without seeing, hoping it wasn’t inside out, and then grabbed her staff. She left the house when she should have been sleeping, when she was sure everyone else was sleeping. But she needed Hiccup. She did.
Astrid knew the path to Hiccup’s house like the back of her hand, which, was also something she couldn’t see anymore. She didn’t need her sight to get there. She just needed her staff to tell her what was in her way.
She shakily got up the stairs, then knocked on the door. She hoped Hiccup would answer, that she wouldn’t be waking the chief at this ungodly hour. Stoick could be hard to deal with upon awaking, according to Hiccup.
No answer. She knocked again, louder, feeling desperate.
She heard footsteps approaching the door, then said door opening with a creak. She knew from the sound of a bare foot and a metal prosthetic that it wasn’t Stoick.
She sighed in relief, threw herself into Hiccup’s arms. Hiccup felt surprised, but he hugged her back.
“Astrid, what is it?” he whispered. “What’s wrong?”
“Can we go upstairs?” Astrid asked, hoping her eyes were at least on his face. She didn’t want to unnerve him with her sightlessness.
“Sure.” Hiccup took her free hand, and led her into the house, closing the door behind them. Astrid struggled a little getting up the stairs to the loft, was happy when she was away from them and sitting on Hiccup’s bed.
“What is it?” Hiccup asked, putting an arm around her.
“I feel like I’m going crazy,” Astrid answered quietly, not wanting to wake Stoick. “Not being able to see. It.. it just keeps hitting me that I’ll never see again . I-it feels like a hammer in my chest.” She reached a hand towards where she hoped Hiccup’s face would be. She found his ear, his hair, then, a few adjustments, and she was holding his cheek. Hiccup leaned into the touch. That made her feel a little better. “Hiccup, how did you deal with it? How did you deal with losing a part of yourself?”
Hiccup gently touched the hand that was on his cheek. “It took a lot,” he answered. “I… cried a lot, if we’re being honest.”
“Well, of course,” Astrid said. She let go of Hiccup, leaned her head against his chest. “This is so hard,” she moaned.
“You’ll get there, Astrid.” He held her and rubbed her back. “You’ll get there. You just… you have to come to accept it. You have to let it be part of you.”
“I don’t want it to be part of me.”
“I know, I know.” Hiccup kissed the top of her head. Okay, he definitely felt the same way for her that she did for him. “I didn’t want what happened to me either. You’re grieving, and that’s okay. You’re allowed to grieve.”
“And what happens after the grief?” Astrid asked. Hiccup was stroking her hair now too.
“Acceptance.”
Astrid sniffled a little, but said nothing. Hiccup was right. Now was a grieving process, and so, she would grieve. She clutched at Hiccup, and cried quietly, darkness swallowing everything around her.