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You catch a glimpse of the digital clock on your nightstand as you roll onto your side.
Since when was it 2:00 AM and where had Bucky gone off to?
Usually, when woke up in the middle of the night if you were alone, you'd readjust and fall back asleep. If Bucky was with you, you’d snuggle up against him and fall back asleep.
Since you weren't alone and Bucky had disappeared on you neither one of those two things was an option for you.
Rubbing your eyes, you get up from your bed and stretch. You grab a blanket and make your way into the living room.
The soft glow of the TV screen catches your attention. Your eyes wander to Bucky who's sat on the couch and playing with his hands.
“Bucky?” You say softly, trying not to startle him.
Bucky turns his head to face you, “What are you doing up?”
You shrug, “I just woke up. I went to snuggle up to you, but you weren't there. I was worried.”
Bucky furrows his eyebrows, “I’m sorry, I didn't mean to worry you.”
You shake your head, “It’s alright. What's wrong?”
Bucky looks away from you, focusing his attention on the TV, “Nothings wrong.”
“Bucky.”
“What?”
“You're a terrible liar.”
“I’m not lying.”
“Then look me in the eyes and tell me nothings wrong.”
Bucky sighs as he leans back against the couch cushions. Still avoiding eye contact with you he speaks softly, “I can’t.”
“That's what I thought.”
You sit down on the couch next to him and lay the blanket on both of you.
“Is this alright?” You ask.
Bucky nods, “You know, I used to be a good liar.”
You chuckle, “Used to being the key phrase.”
Bucky takes your hand in his, rubbing your knuckles with his thumb, “You think you're funny, don't you?”
“I don't think I’m funny, I know I’m funny. Even if you were a good liar I’d still be able to tell when you're lying.”
“Why is that?”
“Because we’ve been dating for ten months, I know you, baby,” you soften your voice, your playful tone disappearing, “And that also means I know when somethings wrong, please talk to me.”
Bucky sighs, “I had a nightmare.”
“What was it about?”
“Yori’s son,” Bucky pauses, and when he continues you can hear the frustration in his voice, “And I don't know why. I spoke to Yori, months ago, I told him what happened. I don't understand why it's still haunting me.”
“Bucky, just because you spoke to him, doesn't mean that what he did is just going to be erased from your memories.”
“But I told him. I did what Dr. Raynor told me to do, what Sam told me to do.”
“That doesn't just mean the guilt you feel because of it disappears.“
Bucky huffs, “Well it should.”
“I know you want it to disappear, but you know that's not how trauma works for anybody.“
Bucky looks down at you, “What do I do?”
“You keep trying, that's all you can do,” you move your free hand to his face, wiping away his tears, “My love, that's all any of us can do.”
“Just trying doesn't feel like enough.”
“It is enough, Bucky.”
“I was making progress. I thought I was getting better.”
“You are making progress. You are getting better. The progress you've made doesn't just disappear because you had a bad nightmare.”
Bucky let's go of your hand and turns away from you.
“Please don't do that.” You say, readjusting on the couch so your body is facing his.
“Don't do what?”
“Don't close yourself off from me.”
Bucky runs his hand through his hair. He lets out a sigh as he turns to face you.
You smile putting your hand on his knee, “Thank you.” Your voice is soft and your touch is gentle.
That makes Bucky relax a bit knowing you're not mad at him. You're just worried because you care about him.
Even after all this time he still isn't used to someone caring for him. There are moments where he accepts it and believes it. Then there are moments where he can't accept it and listens to the lies his brain tells him.
The look on Bucky’s face makes your heartbreak. It's a combination of fear and frustration.
You take his hands in yours and rub your thumbs along his knuckles just like he did with you earlier.
“Bucky, progress isn't linear. It's messy and filled with so many ups and downs. You may think you're over something, and then something like a bad nightmare happens and you feel like you're right back where you started, right?”
Bucky nods.
“The thing is you're not back where you started. The progress you made is still there. It doesn't just disappear because of one bad moment,” you move one of your hands to his cheek, softly stroking under his eyes with your thumb, “You'll bounce back from this and continue to heal, you always do. You don't give yourself enough credit for how strong you are.”
Bucky leans against your hand and presses a kiss to your palm.
“You've been to hell and back multiple times yet you never let that change you. You easily could've turned your back on the world, but you didn't,” you move closer to him, “Every day you choose to be kind and if the opportunity presents itself you choose to help others. You’re a good man.”
Bucky knows you’re right. He knows that you aren't lying to him and you believe everything you said to him. You were always truthful, you never lied, not to him.
You were kind, but his mind and his thoughts weren't. And he knew that you could tell he was battling his thoughts right now.
You put your hands on his face, softly stroking underneath his eyes with your thumbs. “Bucky, you are good. You are a hero. And you deserve all the good things the world has to offer.”
Tears well up in Bucky’s eyes and as they fall you wipe them away.
“Do you believe me, Buck?”
Bucky nods, “I do.”
You can tell he's being truthful and that makes you smile, he's come so far, “I love you, baby.”
Bucky presses his forehead against yours and smiles, “I love you too, doll.” His hands move to your face, he leans in and kisses you.
The two of you stay on the couch a while after that, you're straddling his hips, and your head is against Bucky’s chest. He has his chin on your head and his arms wrapped around you.
For a while, it was peaceful. Bucky had fallen back asleep and you were happy that he was getting some much-needed rest.
Just as you were about to fall asleep you felt Bucky jolt awake.
His grip around you is tight, but you don't mind, he isn't hurting you. He could never hurt you.
Bucky looks down at you with wide eyes and your heart breaks, you hate seeing him like this, he looks so scared.
You readjust yourself on his lap, still straddling his hips, you put your hands on his shoulders. “You’re alright, baby. You're with me. What happened?”
Bucky shakes his head, “Nothing.”
“Did you have a bad dream again?”
“No, I just,” he sighs, “I didn't mean to fall asleep.”
“You need to sleep. Why are you fighting it?”
Bucky shrugs, but you know there's a reason. Something he isn't telling you.
“Buck, please.” You push gently you don't want to upset him, but you know he’ll feel better if he says it out loud, gets it out of his head, and he knows that too.
“I don't want to have any more bad dreams or nightmares.”
“You can't stay awake forever,” you rest your hands on his chest and play with his dog tags, “Can I ask you something?”
“‘Course.”
“Why'd you stop going to therapy?”
“The goal was to finish my list of amends. I finished it so I stopped going.”
“Finishing your list of amends wasn't the goal, it was one goal. The goal is to heal and learn how to cope,” you sigh, “My love, the goal isn't achieved by just finishing one goal. Even then healing is a constant process and it's hard, but once you start feeling better it's all worth it.”
“Doll, I know you're right, but I’m scared.”
It feels strange for Bucky to say it out loud, but he can't ignore the instant relief he feels once the words leave his mouth.
“Oh, baby,” you place your hand on his cheek, and he leans into your hand, “It’s okay to be scared. What are you scared about?”
“I’m scared that I can't do it, that I’m not strong enough.”
“Not strong enough? What did I say earlier? James, You are the strongest person I know,” you kiss his forehead, “You've endured things that no person should ever have to experience. And you survived.”
Bucky smiles, “James? You must be serious.”
You giggle softly, “You bet I am.”
“I don't want to go back to Dr. Raynor.”
“You don't have to.“
“Who will I see?”
“Whoever you want to. It's your decision to make, Bucky. Not the governments, not mine, yours.”
Bucky’s eyes light up, “Yeah?”
You smile, “Yeah. It might take some time to find the right person, but you'll find them, I know it.”
“Are you sure?”
You nod, “I believe in you,” you kiss his forehead and continue, “If you want I can come to your appointments with you, I can just sit in the waiting room for moral support, or I could come in with you if there's something you want to talk about, but you're not sure if you can do it alone.”
“I can't ask you to do that, Y/N.”
“You aren't asking me to do anything, Buck. I’m offering. Whatever you need I’m here for you.”
Bucky’s voice is quiet as he asks, “Why?”
“Remember how last week you came to therapy with me, just to sit in the waiting room in case I needed you during or immediately after the session?”
Bucky nods, moving his hand to your face, “I do.”
“Why’d you do that?”
“I knew you had a rough week. I didn't want you to be alone.”
“Why didn't you want me to be alone?”
“Because I love you.”
You smile, “Those reasons are exactly why I want to do this for you. I know this is going to be hard for you, I don't want you to be alone, and I love you too.”
You rest your forehead against his “I’m so lucky to have you,” Bucky mumbles in between kisses, “you're so good to me.”
“The feeling is mutual,” you hold his face in your hands, “Why don't we go back to bed? We can talk more about all of this tomorrow,” you kiss his nose, “You need to sleep.”
“So do you, doll.”
“That’s why I said why don't we go back to bed. We as in both of us, Barnes.”
“You’re last naming me now?”
You nod, “I might start middle naming you soon.”
“Please don't.”
“Buch–”
Bucky cuts you off by covering your mouth with his hand, “That's enough of that. You win. We’ll go to bed.”
You burst into a fit of laughter the moment he picks you up. Bucky can’t hide the smile that appears on his face when he hears your laugh, it’s one of his favorite sounds. And knowing that he’s the reason for it makes him incredibly happy.
Once you’re both settled under the covers, Bucky turns to face you. When he speaks you almost miss it. His voice is soft, you can tell just how exhausted he is.
“Doll?”
“Yeah?”
“Can you hold me?
You don’t say anything. You just hold open your arms and Bucky takes the hint. He rests his head on your chest and you wrap your arms around him.
You kiss his head, “Are you comfortable?”
“Very.”
“I’m glad. Now, get some rest,” you rest your chin on his head, “I’m right here if you need me. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”
“Love you so much,” Bucky mumbles as he falls asleep.
“I love you too.”