Work Text:
i.
‘I don't say a word
But still, you take my breath and steal the things I know’
There’s a book Jungkook has devoted most of his childhood memories to, a book his mother used to press against her thighs every night as she sat by his side. He remembers her eyes, sweet like candy as she stared at him and waited for his own eyes to turn heavy under her soothing voice. There weren’t many things, even back when he was eight years old, that were able to calm him down. He’s always been a nervous wreck, one of the reasons why his parents sent him to therapy at such a young age.
Jungkook had his first white hair when he was fifteen, and the sight of it still chases him to this day. He’s twenty-two now, and despite every strand of hair on his head being naturally black as coal, anxiety still curses through his veins as if it were blood and probably always will.
Sometimes he remembers that book and a wave of nostalgia threatens to sink him under its weight. Listening to the stories trapped between its pages has become one of his most cherished memories, one he comes back to whenever the world spins a bit too fast for him to catch up to it. He shuts his eyes, tries to focus on the pastel colors in the drawings, on the pretty font, on his mother’s honeyed voice and the gentle touch of her hand across his forehead. Sleep now, Jungkookie. Sleep.
If only it were that easy. He envies the people who are able to fall asleep as quickly as their heads land on their pillows. He can hardly believe they exist, even if some of his closest friends are lucky enough to be a part of them.
He wishes Taehyung was here, he thinks dumbly as he presses his face against his pillow, shutting his eyes as tightly as he can.
He can’t keep relying on his best friend to sleep, though...or to do anything, really. He knows the older will be graduating later this year and then they’ll no longer be roommates and Taehyung will get an apartment in the city and probably will get a boyfriend or girlfriend or someone to devote most of his time to. Because, why wouldn’t he? It’s a miracle he hasn’t already.
He knows these things, hears them swirl inside his head every single day like a constant reminder, an endless cycle of torture he operates himself. He hates how frightened these thoughts make him, stirring his anxiety, encouraging it to grow and grow until it chokes him.
He also knows Taehyung would come back from his date in a second if he were to text him, because that’s just who he is, who he’s always been...and Jungkook hates that every night that the older is gone, he considers it. Even if for a short moment, he always does, with no exception. Taehyung wouldn’t even blame Jungkook, would happily lie in bed with him with slender fingers running through his hair and sweet nothings whispered into his ears; pure heaven.
But Jungkook can’t keep being selfish, he’s already selfish enough for harbouring these stupid, childish feelings for him. Taehyung deserves to be happy more than anyone he’s ever met...even if it breaks his heart that he can’t be the one to make him happy.
He needs to snap out of it, but all of his attempts have proven to be futile. He thinks he’s really going to succeed and then he sees him again and Taehyung gazes at him with such care and fondness that Jungkook melts right on the spot. Always back to square one, always back to being smitten and embarrassing himself. He’s positive Taehyung knows by now the effect he has on him...at the very least, he knows Jungkook has some sort of crush. He has to know. Jungkook is the least subtle person with his feelings that he’s ever seen. It’s like he becomes a parody of himself when he’s around.
He glances at the watch by his bedside table and sighs. It’s past one a.m and he has his first class in six hours. Most days he gets around three or four hours of sleep. Tonight he doubts he’ll even get one, especially since Taehyung hasn’t returned yet and he left three hours ago. Tonight he was going on a date with a boy called Jaehyun. He guesses it must’ve gone well considering Taehyung wouldn’t have stayed out for so long if he didn’t like the guy.
He should be happy for him, after all Taehyung has gone on so many awful dates that he deserves to have a good one. But all he feels is bitterness, a sour taste in the back of his throat that feels a lot like heartbreak. Can your heart break if it’s already been broken?
Jungkook knows Taehyung will never see him with those eyes, that he’s just his younger best friend, like a fucking...little brother or some shit. He really needs to move on, but he’s been trying to do that for over four years, ever since he first met him, to no avail. Taehyung is not someone easy to forget, especially when they share a group of friends and literally live together...yes, that was extremely poor decision making on his part, but that’s kinda his thing.
Jungkook gets his phone from his side, unlocking it and blinking at the sudden light hitting his face. He knows one person who is probably awake too, although for quite different reasons.
“Jungkook?”
“Hey Yoongi,” he breathes, feeling an inkling of relief after hearing his voice.
“Can’t sleep?”
“Nope.”
He hears the older sigh and then, “Tae is at that date, huh.”
Jungkook blinks at the ceiling and all he finds is more darkness. He presses his phone against his ear and whispers, “Can you just talk to me?”
Yoongi doesn’t judge him, he never does.
“I was just reading about these monkeys...squirrel monkeys,” he immediately starts telling him. Yoongi is working on his master's in Biology and usually stays till very late just reading and researching. He’s never met someone as passionate about their career as he is, and despite hardly ever understanding any of the words he says, there’s some sort of comfort in hearing people talk about the things they love that he always enjoys.
“They sound funny,” he comments.
Yoongi chuckles in amusement before he begins reading out loud. “All South American squirrel monkeys were considered part of a single widespread species, and many zoologists considered the Central American squirrel monkey to be a member of that single species as well…”
Jungkook thinks of his mother, of his childhood book, of monkeys that look a lot like squirrels...and closes his eyes.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
It’s so cold Jungkook can barely feel his own cheeks as he stands outside, hands buried deep into the pockets of his jacket. He loves the winter but there’s something almost aggressive about the way the wind keeps on restlessly hitting him in the face. He’s sure he looks quite the picture; cheeks incredibly flushed, strands of jet black hair falling over his forehead, a beanie on his head and body visibly shivering despite the shirt, sweater and jacket he has on.
“I told you to wait inside,” is the first thing Taehyung says to him once he’s close enough for him to hear him over the sound of the wind. He looks stupidly handsome in his leather jacket. His ashy silver hair seems slightly messy and yet still stylish enough in a way only Taehyung can pull off. He must be way colder than he is, or at least should be considering his extremely ripped jeans. At least he has a red scarf on, one that Jimin knitted for him a few months ago. “You’re so cold, baby,” he mumbles out as he presses a gloved hand over his face. Jungkook lets him even though the leather wrapped around his fingers is freezing cold as well.
The pet names started as soon as they moved in together about a year ago. Taehyung uses them with other friends too, so Jungkook knows they mean little to nothing at all. But even after hearing them for so long they still make his heart jump inside his chest, because his heart is weak and stupid and it can’t tell the difference between actual displays of love and simple friendship.
“Sorry,” Jungkook says and he doesn’t even realize he’s pouting until Taehyung presses a finger against his lower lip and smiles.
“You’re so cute, let’s go,” he answers, taking his arm and walking him towards the entrance of the building.
As soon as they knock on Hoseok’s door, his friend Namjoon opens the door with a smile and ushers them inside. Taehyung pushes him in first and Jungkook lets him, even if the longer he touches him the more his skin burns beneath his clothes. It’s sad how helpless he is for him. It’s gotten to the point Jungkook sometimes actively avoids him for his own sanity, but it rarely works....or rather, he rarely goes through with it for longer than a few hours at a time.
Jungkook’s body is warmer as they walk through the apartment and he catches eye of some chopped wood lit up by the chimney, the one Hoseok insisted they get to give their place a more cozy, homey vibe. Jungkook approaches it and rubs his hands together over the flames, feeling the heat hit his cheeks. He hears Seokjin saying hi to Taehyung by the kitchen and the delicious smell of warm food makes his stomach audibly whine.
“Taehyung hated him,” Jimin’s voice says as he suddenly appears by his side. Jungkook turns towards him with an eye roll.
“I don’t care.”
“Just saying!” he shrugs.
Jimin has been his closest friend for longer than anyone else has, but as soon as he met Taehyung he fell under his charming ways, the same way Jungkook did...well, not the exact same way. Jimin isn’t in love with Taehyung...thank god. He can’t imagine how much it’d hurt if the both of them ever started dating. That’d be impossible though, considering Jimin has been dating Yoongi for almost five years now. Those two are the only ones who know about Jungkook’s secret, and not because he actually wanted them to.
He remembers how he got wasted a year ago after Taehyung started dating this girl Yuri, how the miserable words left his lips as his brain to mouth filter drowned under four shots of vodka. Jimin and Yoongi have been there for him ever since, Jimin audibly rooting for them to get together despite it being impossible, and Yoongi talking him through heavy nights and offering great hugs.
Thankfully the thing with Yuri lasted about a month before it ended though, like most of Taehyung’s relationships.
“I’m fine, Jimin. Seriously.”
“I know, I know,” the older sighs, but the way he runs his pink nails through his peach colored hair makes him think otherwise. He hates worrying his friends, so he pulls on a fake smile that he wishes had enough strength to reach his eyes and sits by the sofa Yoongi is sitting on.
He’s quick to cuddle to his side as soon as Yoongi spreads his arms his way. He feels special with how touchy the older usually is with him, because he doesn’t allow anyone but his own boyfriend to hug and cuddle him the way Jungkook does. He’s often said he’s the younger brother he never had, and it never quite stops making him feel warm inside to hear those words. Jungkook doesn’t have any siblings, and he’s always envied how all of his friends did. He didn’t understand that deep bond that ran from sharing blood with someone who isn’t your parents or cousins you rarely see. But Yoongi is definitely the closest thing to a brother he’s ever had.
“You okay, Jungkookie?” he hears him whisper into his beanie. Jungkook shuts his eyes and all he can hear is Seokjin’s loud laughter carrying through the apartment.
“Yes, tell your boyfriend to stop asking that, too.”
“You’re cold.”
“I know,” he whispers, burying his nose in Yoongi’s shoulder and feeling the older’s body shake with laughter beneath him.
“He was waiting for me outside, I swear Jungkook if you catch a cold-” Taehyung’s voice suddenly says as he comes to stand in front of them. Jungkook blinks at him.
“Maybe if you stopped treating him like a baby-” Yoongi murmurs.
“You’re the one cuddling him right now,” Taehyung answers with a huff, crossing his arms over his chest. Jungkook stares at him and wonders how someone can be so effortlessly beautiful. He’s no longer wearing the leather, and the loose shirt underneath has two buttons left undone, exposing some of his collarbones and the golden necklace he always wears that ends somewhere past the collar.
“Yup, living the dream,” Yoongi mocks him, making Taehyung part his lips to retort before Seokjin calls his name and tells him to help him set the table. Taehyung sighs but right before he leaves he takes Jungkook’s beanie off and runs his pretty fingers through his hair with a softness that confuses his heart. Not his mind though, that one knows his limits pretty well.
“I’ll be back,” he says before walking off. Jungkook feels Yoongi’s eyes on him but decides to ignore them.
“How long till you realize you deserve better?” the older asks in a quiet mumble that Jungkook feels deep into his core.
“You say that as if Taehyung wasn’t more than enough.”
“He is. And I love him, we all do. But you deserve to be happy instead of waiting for him to catch on.”
“That’s not why-” Jungkook shakes his head. There’s no point in arguing, they’ve had this discussion a million times before. Yoongi and Jimin think Taehyung loves him back, that the only reason he’s dating other people is because he’s either in denial or too much of a coward to make a move on him. Jungkook thinks they’re both insane. If Taehyung loved him the way he does, if he felt even a sliver of the madness he feels for him, then he wouldn’t be able to date other people. Jungkook knows he for one, physically can’t. “Let’s just stop.”
“Okay Jungkookie, whatever you want, always,” Yoongi says, pressing a gentle kiss on his forehead. As Jungkook cuddles back into his side and smiles at the comforting, familiar smell of his cedarwood cologne, he thinks he might actually get a little bit of sleep before lunch.
He wakes around two minutes later though, to Namjoon announcing that the food is ready. Jungkook blinks albeit sleepily as he nods, and as soon as Yoongi stands up to join the table as well, he stretches his arms into the air and follows suit. The table spread in the living room is filled with all sorts of dishes, from ramen to dumplings to jajangmyeon. Jungkook sits next to Seokjin who pulls a chair for him and instantly begins piling up his plate with tons of food he's sure he won't be able to eat.
"Wow, you and Hoseok really outdid yourselves today," Jimin comments as he bites into a particularly perfectly shaped dumpling, his sentence ending in a wanton moan as he eats it.
"Well, aren't we celebrating?"
"Celebrating what?" Yoongi asks, frowning after taking a long sip from his apple juice mixed with soju. He always drinks the same thing.
"That Taehyung said he's finally done dating assholes," Hoseok jokes, making everyone around the table laugh. Everyone except for Taehyung himself who rolls his eyes unamused, leaning back and sinking a bit into his chair.
"I don't exclusively seek out people who end up being assholes, you know," he mumbles out, and Jungkook can tell that his friends are simply kidding but also that Taehyung isn't very entertained by being the punchline of a joke made at the expense of his poor dating reputation. Jungkook wasn't awake when Taehyung came back from his date last night, he was lucky enough for his exhausted body to succumb under the claws of slumber with Yoongi's voice in his ear. But apparently, the reason why he came back late wasn't because he was having the time of his life like Jungkook had predicted. It was because the guy was an hour late to begin with.
"Where did you even meet this guy, anyway?" Namjoon inquires next. Taehyung turns to his left and faces him when he answers,
"Campus, where else?"
Jungkook wonders how Taehyung manages to speak to strangers so easily. He's been in this very same campus for years but he has yet to manage to make a friend by himself. He met all of his friends thanks to Jimin, and without him he thinks he'd be left alone for the majority of his college life, if not all of it. And yet Taehyung has to just take an afternoon stroll through the park to meet someone and exchange phone numbers. He could befriend plants if he set his mind to it, he's sure.
"Maybe next time try engaging into a longer conversation before saying yes to a date," Jimin advises him, voice kind despite the tightness around his lips. Jungkook is always worried the older might blurt out something or say the wrong thing and expose him and his feelings, but it's been months and Jimin has never said a word. He knows all of his friends are trustworthy and completely reliable...but Jimin sometimes wants so badly for him to be happy that it frightens him to think what he might be capable of doing.
"Yeah well, it wasn't a nightmare or anything," Taehyung shrugs. "He was just awfully late and wasn't very...mature. I don't know."
"I would've left after fifteen minutes of waiting, to be honest," Seokjin comments after swallowing down an entire dumpling at once.
Taehyung shakes his head. "I only stayed because he said he was on his way. I'm never trusting that shit again, though."
"As you should. Honestly, you can get someone much better than that," Namjoon states, and Taehyung nods with a smile but Jungkook sees past the gesture. He always does. He meets Yoongi's gaze over the other side of the table, his dark eyes very intently focused on him, and he can read the message hidden in his irises without him having to utter a single word. You're way better than all of them.
Jungkook smiles back at that, and when Yoongi smiles as well, Hoseok suddenly says, "Yoongi and Jungkook keep making eyes at each other. I swear, if you weren't dating Jimin I'd think you two are fucking."
The both of them immediately shake their heads and groan in disgust. Jungkook could never see Yoongi like that, and he's more than sure the feeling is mutual. Jimin laughs at that, leaning over his side and wrapping an arm around his neck. "If you weren't my best friend I'd threaten you right now," he says, but what he does instead is kiss the side of his face and shove him in the shoulder a bit harder than usual, making him retaliate and pinch his arm until Jimin curses at him.
"They're already fighting for Yoongi's honor," Seokjin adds, making all of them laugh, their voices raising in volume and quickly all he can hear is their yelling and bickering over food.
Jungkook feels Taehyung's eyes on him though, and when he turns a bit to meet them, he sees him smiling at him with that limitless fondness that always pours out of him in waves. He feels his cheeks blushing as he looks away, hears Taehyung’s quiet laughter at his reaction beneath all the other loud voices demanding for attention, and quietly wonders how his friends aren't able to tell he's so in love with him his heart could burst at any given second.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
Nights are endless. Jungkook stares at the stars lightning up their ceiling, the ones Taehyung got him for his birthday to help him sleep. They don’t really do, but Jungkook likes the way the ceiling lits up in different hues of blues and purples, a thousand tiny dots shining against it. If he focuses hard enough, he can picture he’s somewhere else entirely.
He hears the door of the bathroom opening and catches a glimpse of Taehyung walking out in his pajamas. They’re lucky to be one of the few dorms with their own bathroom, although he isn’t sure luck would be the right word considering Taehyung used his connections to get it. And by connections, Jungkook means he once slept with the resident assistant who was close to the housing coordinator and so the rest is history.
Taehyung is wearing one of Jungkook’s oversized shirts because that’s usually what his sleeping clothes consist of. Without uttering a single word, the older approaches Jungkook’s bed and lifts the sheets, scooting next to him in the single bed until their bodies are pressed against each other from toe to chest. Taehyung wraps his arm around his waist and pulls him even closer yet, Jungkook’s eyes glued to the night sky reflected over them.
“You okay?” Taehyung whispers.
“Yes. Are you?”
“I am. Just a bit tired,” he says. He waits a few seconds and Jungkook can tell he wants to say more so he waits patiently until he hears him add, “You usually turn the lights on when you’re feeling weird.”
Jungkook isn’t feeling weird. He isn’t feeling great either, but he rarely is nowadays. He’s stressed, and worried and filled with anxiety. But that’s usually the cocktail of emotions he gets fed every morning, so he isn’t surprised. He used to take xanax for his anxiety back when he was in high school, but it made him sleep even less than usual. There were days he didn’t even get a single hour of sleep. He also had trouble concentrating and would fail most of his exams. His parents decided after a few months that the side effects weren’t worth it, and so did he.
And as cliche as it may sound, it does get easier with Taehyung by his side. It’s like the pressure in his chest lets out a little bit whenever the older is close to him and he catches a whiff of his lemon shampoo mixed with the vanilla bean lotion on his skin, the smell familiar and comforting and all things good.
“I’m fine, Tae.”
Taehyung turns until he’s facing him and Jungkook isn’t strong enough to avoid his gaze, so he doesn’t. He’s especially weak during the night, body too tired to fight against his feelings. Taehyung’s eyes are beautiful up close. The blue galaxy casts shadows on his profile and Jungkook kind of wants to reach out and touch, bury his fingers through the stars painted across his face, taste the night sky on his skin.
“Okay, baby,” Taehyung whispers. “If you say so.”
“No date tonight?”
The older frowns, looking momentarily confused before he answers, “I don’t go on dates every night.”
Jungkook knows that’s true, but Taehyung is rarely home at night, anyways. He has a lot of friends and often meets up with them. He also knows he’s been dating more lately, the last couple of weeks. He doesn’t ask why, because he’s sure there’s not a particular reason anyway. Taehyung just happens to meet people constantly and loves talking to strangers. The rest is inevitable.
“I was just wondering,” is all he says.
“Mm, I want to be with you tonight,” Taehyung answers, blinking his sleepy eyes at him. “If that’s okay?”
Jungkook would laugh if he wasn’t too busy staring at Taehyung and fighting off the urge to kiss him.
“Yes, that’s more than okay.”
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
Jungkook’s major is one of the few things that bring him sheer joy. Studying linguistics usually keeps his mind off other things, and during classes he rarely finds himself feeling anxious...he kinda forgets, the same way he does whenever Taehyung is close enough for his heart to get all twisted and confused. That’s why as he listens to his teacher explain speech recognition and his hand moves to scribble down the few key words his ears are able to catch, he forgets about how when he woke up this morning it was to a text from Jimin yelling about a party tonight.
His friends are mostly social butterflies, which Jungkook most definitely is not. The only reason he even has friends really is Jimin, and the fact that they met when they were in high school and he was kind enough to introduce him to his friends once they got into college. It took him a few months to warm up to them, to join their conversations and feel comfortable with all the loud voices around him. But it was easy, because his friends are the kindest, most understanding and less judgemental people he’s ever met.
He’s aware of how lucky he is, to have met them and be able to call them his friends. Especially Taehyung. Even if he might’ve been harbouring romantic feelings for him ever since he first met him and realized he was brighter than anything he’d ever seen.
He still remembers that day, when Jimin introduced them and the way Taehyung pulled him into a hug, always so endlessly touchy with everyone, even strangers. Jimin yelled at him and told him Jungkook was shy and to give him time, which he was both ashamed and grateful for. Taehyung understood though, they all did.
That’s why they all also understand that Jungkook isn’t fond of parties, and rarely joins them when they go out. There’s always too many people, the music is none of his liking and hardly ever at a volume that allows you to talk to others. There’s also alcohol, which Jungkook enjoys mostly when he’s miserable. If he gets wasted it’s usually to forget, for his mind to stop talking for a few hours.
But he also knows he’s been saying no to the last ten parties and that Taehyung often feels guilty for going and leaving him behind, even though Jungkook has repeatedly told him it’s fine. So this time, this morning, he said yes. He didn’t even think about it much, tried not to overthink as he said he’d join and all his friends sounded so excited for him that he now knows he can’t take it back.
It’s after his class is over and all the bliss it provided him with washes off, that the anxiety returns in full force and he finds himself regretting all of the excitement he forced down his own throat earlier this morning. He remembers his old therapist and how she would always encourage him to get out there, to try something out of his comfort zone at least once. She always said things are scarier in your own mind than outside of it, but the problem is that Jungkook mostly lives inside his head.
The party is apparently at a rich senior’s house in the city, he reads on their group chat the moment he unlocks his phone again. Yoongi and Hoseok are the only ones who own cars so they offer to take all of them there by eleven p.m, which is usually the time Jungkook would normally try to get some sleep.
The first party he ever went to, Jimin had invited him and promised not to leave him alone. But then he’d gotten wasted within an hour of them getting there and clearly forgotten about any promises. Jungkook ended up leaving the party much earlier than his friends, taking a creepy bus back to the dorms and burying himself under his sheets. He has the coping mechanisms of a five year old, but there wasn’t much he could do. His friends apologized profusely after that day and Jungkook obviously doesn’t hold it against any of them, after all it’s not their fault Jungkook has the hardest time speaking to strangers without breaking into a sweat. It’s no one’s fault.
So yeah, he doesn’t expect much from this party. He knows how it’ll go, can visualize it vividly inside his head...and the sight isn’t that tempting, but he still doesn’t want to disappoint his friends or for Taehyung to insist on staying for him.
He sighs as he makes his way outside the building and into the winter air.
It’ll be okay, he tells himself, even if he can hear another voice inside his head laughing at his expense.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
Taehyung smells of expensive cologne and is wearing another one of his very loose shirts, this time a dark flowery one that leaves little skin to the imagination. His silver hair isn’t messy at all and he’s wearing tons of make up; eyeliner, lip gloss, eyeshadow, blush. Everything. He has his rings on and a choker and the endless necklace he always wears and thick earrings. One would think it’s too much but on Taehyung it looks perfect.
Jungkook has it so bad he barely knows what to do with himself.
He thinks this party might be worthy simply because he gets to watch Taehyung drink a shot of vodka and his throat move as he gulps a second one down.
“You want one?” he asks him, licking his lips from any leftover alcohol. Jungkook tries not to stare at his mouth and fails before nodding. “Easy there, baby. You’re a lightweight,” he laughs, squeezing the back of his neck after Jungkook downs his shot glass in less than a second. He doesn’t want to get drunk though, he isn’t feeling particularly miserable, not with Taehyung’s eyes on him and his warm hands teasing his nape.
“Sorry, I got excited,” he says, which isn’t entirely a lie. Taehyung smiles, scrunches up his nose and turns towards Namjoon who is staring at his own shot as if it has personally offended him.
“What’s wrong, Joons? Trying to make that glass date you or somethin’?” Taehyung laughs.
“I’m wondering if it’s my second or third one,” he admits.
“Well, if you’re taking so long to know the answer I’d say it might be your fourth.”
Namjoon sighs before taking the shot and gulping it down either way, unfazed as Taehyung slaps him in the back and calls him a champ. Jungkook purses his lips as he looks around them, trying to find any of their other friends. They all got here together but as soon as they walked through the door, Hoseok claimed he needed the bathroom and Seokjin said hi to some friends and then Jimin dragged Yoongi into the dance floor. And Taehyung, bless his soul, intertwined his fingers with Jungkook and told him they should get a drink. Namjoon apparently followed them, but honestly Jungkook barely noticed anything but the older’s warm hand on his.
“Wanna dance?”
“Huh…”
“Or we can go outside? It’s quieter there,” Taehyung says, clearly sensing Jungkook’s hesitance. He nods, a bit surprised that he’s still sticking by him but taking it in stride. Namjoon says he’ll join them eventually right before they walk through the kitchen and out the backdoor, where the air is as cold as he expected. Taehyung shivers as soon as they sit against an empty wall by the side of the house, away from the people smoking pot and cigarettes, the smoke thick enough to make his throat itch.
“Now you’ll get a cold,” Jungkook huffs out before immediately taking his jacket off and draping it over Taehyung’s shoulders.
“No, no. You should have it-”
“I have a sweater, it’s okay.”
“Mm...thank you,” he whispers before pressing his nose into the fabric and smiling. “It smells like you.”
Jungkook blushes and is thankful that it’s too dark for Taehyung to notice. “I don’t even know what I smell like.”
“Like tangerines,” the older instantly replies as if that answer was sitting right there at the top of his tongue. Jungkook stares at him in disbelief but upon realizing he’s serious ends up laughing instead.
“Tangerines? I don’t even eat those.”
Taehyung shrugs. “You smell sweet like fruit, I don’t know. It’s nice.”
“Thanks?”
It’s quiet then, but as usual the silence between them doesn’t last too long. Taehyung magically materializes a flask out of his pocket and takes a sip. Jungkook isn’t surprised by the sight of it since he saw him bragging about it all the way here. Apparently it has juice and tons of different types of alcohol in it...he’s sure it tastes like shit.
Jungkook stares at the stars above them and thinks of their room. If he tries hard enough it’s just them laying in bed as usual, with no people around them, no voices, no distractions, no alcohol swimming happily though his bloodstream. Taehyung offers him the flask and he takes it, taking a sip and scrunching up his nose at the sour taste. Yup, exactly what he expected.
“I know you didn’t want to come here,” Taehyung says as their fingers brush when Jungkook returns the flask to him.
“Do I ever?”
“You can say no. No one will get mad. We know you don’t enjoy these and that’s okay.”
“I know that. But I figured once wouldn’t hurt,” he lies. Taehyung sees right through him though, but he doesn’t push. He doesn’t know a single person in his life who can read him as well as the older can. He always knows what Jungkook is feeling without him having to say it, knows where his boundaries are, which buttons not to press. That’s one of the reasons why Jungkook can’t possibly comprehend how he doesn’t realize the depth of the feelings he clearly has for him. He has to. There’s a big part of him that constantly wonders if he really does know, if he plays dumb in favor of their friendship. He fucking hopes he’s wrong because that’d be humilliating.
“Ugh, Jungkook…” Taehyung whispers then, laying his head against his shoulder as they both face the stars. The voices coming from the other side of the house seem to fade, because Jungkook can hardly hear them anymore. “Why is life in our twenties so hard?”
Jungkook sighs. “I don’t know, Tae. But surely it’ll get better, right?”
Taehyung lets out a weak chuckle as he looks up at him. “Surely.”
Jungkook lets his hand wander through the tiny space between their bodies until it finds Taehyung’s cold fingers wrapped around his flask. His best friend seems to get the message as he places the bottle down and allows him to intertwine their fingers together. They’ve always fitted so well.
“I’m here,” he tells him. Taehyung squeezes his hand as he nods.
“I’m here,” he replies.
And that’s all that matters, really. That’s all they both need.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
They get drunk. Jungkook isn’t sure how it happens considering he had no intentions on drinking tonight. But the flask seems to fly through their free hands and before they realize it, it’s empty, and Taehyung is laughing against his shoulder and his body is shaking in the happiest hurricane he’s ever seen.
They get drunk and Jungkook lets Taehyung drag him to the dancing floor where they meet their friends. Jimin jumps into his arms, also wasted, and Yoongi hugs him from behind and tells him he’s his best friend and Jungkook laughs. Taehyung kisses his cheek and tells him he’s cute and Jungkook has never flushed so hard in his entire life as he drunkenly tells him that no, Taehyung is cuter, and Taehyung and his friends all proceed to yell because Jungkook has never complimented any of them before. But he’s too drunk to feel embarrassed as he laughs, too.
It’s a mess.
Jungkook throws his hands into the air, yells the wrong words to the most popular songs making his friends clutch their stomachs in laughter, Jimin all teary eyed and sweaty, Yoongi with hair sticking to his face, Taehyung with flushed cheeks. At one moment Seokjin joins them and starts dancing in the middle, thrusting his hips ridiculously and then getting offended when they all laugh. When Hoseok tells him he’ll teach him some real moves and ends up falling to the floor, that’s when Jungkook thinks he’ll pee himself from laughing.
Moments later Taehyung asks him to join him in the bathroom because he’s scared of getting lost and despite not knowing this house at all, he nods and promises to guide the older. They both end up getting predictably lost as they walk up and down the stairs three times, hands intertwined.
“This is ridiculous! Where’s the fucking bathroom?” Taehyung asks through gasps of uncontained laughter, the sound contagious enough to tickle something deep in his stomach. Jungkook follows as the older knocks on yet another door and this time when he twists the doorknob, it cracks open. They walk inside to find it’s an empty bedroom, but despite it not being the bathroom Taehyung was diligently trying to find for the past ten minutes, he seems to give up as he shuts the door and promptly throws himself on the empty bed. “Come here, babe.”
Jungkook looks at him and laughs, because that’s the only thing that he seems able to do and also because Taehyung looks ridiculous as he makes grabby hands at him. His flowery shirt is almost completely unbuttoned now, revealing more of his naked chest and the dangling necklace Jungkook wants so badly to run his fingers over.
He’s drunk, drunker than he’s been in months, and that’s exactly why he doesn’t hesitate to throw himself by his side. He’s never been wasted without anguish filling him to the brim, and he realizes for a moment that maybe this is how people usually feel and why they get drunk so often. It’s a bit exhilarating, even if he might regret it all later.
“Fuck, you’re heavy,” Taehyung chuckles.
“You smell like...like…” he says, but he forgets what he was trying to say and just laughs instead.
The older supports himself against his hand and smiles as he looks down at him. “I smell good?”
He nods. Taehyung licks his lips as he watches him and Jungkook doesn’t even pretend he isn’t tempted by the sight. Alcohol makes you bold, turns you into a person who doesn’t think twice before acting. It makes you do everything you’re too much of a coward to do while sober. Or at least, that’s how it is for Jungkook.
He doesn’t know how long he lies there, watching Taehyung while the older watches him. He thinks there’s an underlying tension there, but his thoughts are messy and hard to read, like his old history teacher’s handwriting which looked like pure gibberish instead of actual letters.
Jungkook thinks Taehyung looks like a vision, the golden exposed skin so beautiful it’s a miracle he hasn’t done anything stupid like reaching out for it yet.
“Has anyone ever told you you’re pretty?” Taehyung asks him then, his voice soft and filled with wonder.
Jungkook meets his eyes and nods. His friends have, his mother, too. And also…
“Yes. You.”
“You’re really pretty,” he adds, as if Jungkook was seeking confirmation. Maybe he was. The younger tries to read his tone, to find any sort of amusement or mirth in Taehyung’s eyes, but the sight of his gaze is blurry around the edges. He isn’t able to read the situation properly and kinda wishes he had some water to sober himself up. Or maybe not. Maybe all of this hopeful doubt wouldn’t even be here if they were both sober...and what a tragedy that would be.
“I am?”
“Yeah,” Taehyung whispers. “So fucking pretty.”
Jungkook stares at him and wonders if he’s imagining the way Taehyung’s mouth seems to get closer to his the longer he stares at it. It’s so tempting, those pink glossy lips he’s struggled not to stare at for years, so close to his own he could just-
“Tae…” he hears his mouth say, almost like a quiet plea although he isn’t quite sure what he’s asking for. Maybe for him to get him out of his misery, to stop confusing him...to kiss him and put this constant ache in his heart to rest. He watches as his right hand moves out of its own accord, not having any functioning brain cells to order it around, flying into the air and landing on Taehyung’s cheek. His finger grazes the sharp edge of his jaw, slow and gentle, and Taehyung lets him.
Would he let him do anything he wanted?
“What is it, angel?”
He would let me do anything, he thinks. His mind is filled with white noise and he’s too tipsy to fully comprehend what’s happening, but his tongue moves and what comes out is, “Can I ki-” and before the words even leave his mouth Taehyung is already pressing his mouth against his.
And the whole world stops spinning.
Everything just...stops. Time stands still. And for a moment it’s all he can see.
Yes, it’ll get better, Jungkook thinks as he recalls their conversation in the garden while he kisses the older back.
It’ll get so much fucking better.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
The thing about hangovers is that they feel like utter hell and there isn’t much you can do about them but try to survive. Jungkook isn’t used to them considering he probably went through like twice in his entire life. So the pounding headache combined with the insatiable thirst and the nausea are making him regret every single decision he made last night. He remembers bits and pieces, as if someone had taken some memories right out of his brain and blurred some others.
But he remembers enough. Enough to know he...Taehyung…they...
“Drink this. And take this,” Jimin says as he pushes a pill and a big glass of cool water his way. Jungkook groans as he swallows it all down at once, and then instantly feels like throwing up. It hasn’t happened yet but he thinks he might end up doing it some time soon. He wants to die. “Stop whining. We have to get some very greasy food in you.”
“If I eat something I might actually throw up.”
“You won’t if you haven’t by now, so don’t worry. It’s just nausea,” Jimin explains.
“How come you aren’t dying like me?”
His older friend grins as he smugly leans his hip against the counter. “I have something called experience. I know how much to drink to avoid hangovers. And to drink lots of water in between vodka shots.”
“I didn’t drink any water last night,” he sighs, burying his face in his hands. He can’t stop picturing Taehyung in bed with him, the way he looked at him, the way he stared at his mouth, the way he kissed him and hovered over him and licked the inside of his mouth and held him and-
“Yes, I figured. Taehyung’s probably feeling like shit, too.”
He looks up so fast he almost snaps his neck. “Where is he?”
“Your dorm, probably,” Jimin shrugs, clearly not sensing Jungkook’s rising anxiety and the panic cursing through his veins. “I ran into him at like four a.m. He told me you were passed out upstairs and that’s when Yoongi and I went to get you.”
He wonders what Taehyung is thinking, if he regrets it, if he hates him. They were both extremely drunk, Jungkook isn’t dumb enough to think it meant anything to the older but just sex. It’s completely out of question that it could ever mean anything else. He isn’t hurt by that, he’s long ago accepted Kim Taehyung is too good for him and always will be.
He just hopes he hasn’t fucked anything up. He can’t even begin to imagine what would happen if he-
His hands are shaking so he pulls them in his lap.
He remembers bits and pieces but after the kissing everything else is kinda blurry. He can remember Taehyung’s skin against his own, can remember hands all over his body and lips caressing the most sensitive parts of his neck but the rest is lost to him. He wishes he could remember because he knows that was the only time he got to experience that with Taehyung, that it will never happen again, that Taehyung was too drunk to realize the person he was flirting with and fucking was Jungkook.
“Oh.”
He wonders if his friends found him naked, but then again Jimin would be asking lots of questions if that was the case. Did Taehyung put his clothes back on? Did he even get completely naked? Did he just pull his pants down like some sort of hormonal teenager? Oh god.
Or maybe nothing happened, maybe they just kissed and Jungkook passed out and that’s why he can’t remember...but then again that wouldn’t explain the soreness on his backside.
“Let’s just get some burgers or something, I promise it’ll make you feel better,” Jimin says, confusing his sadness and discomfort for hangover pain. He nods, he’ll take anything to avoid going to his dorm and seeing Taehyung...facing whatever the older might say to him.
After all, Jimin just said he literally left him there. Jungkook tries to avoid that from hurting but it does anyway, like a thousand tiny stabs against his wounded heart. Fuck. Did he really mean that little to him? Couldn’t he have spent the night?
It was just sex. Nothing but sex.
“Fine, but if I throw up I’ll make sure to aim at your face,” he grunts out as he stands up. Yoongi must still be sleeping, like he wishes he was...but of course Jimin decided to wake him up to get him to drink some water . At ten a.m. He hates him.
“Always so nice to your hyung, huh,” the older answers but there’s amusement in his voice as he pushes him out of his dorm and towards the hallway. “Let’s go, I know just the place.”
Burgers do end up helping, especially with the mountain of fries Jimin orders. It tastes particularly better once his friend claims he’ll be the one paying. Still, the distraction from his impending doom only lasts so long before he’s once again reminded of Taehyung waiting by their dorm.
“So, want to tell me why you drank so much last night?” Jimin asks after a few minutes of them just eating. Or more like, devouring their food. Jungkook frowns in confusion, popping yet another greasy fry into his mouth before Jimin explains with an eye roll, “You only drink when you’re sad.”
“I wasn’t. Tae just shared me his flask and-”
Jimin slams a hand against the table at the mention of the infamous flask, making Jungkook tremble from head to toe in startlement. “Never drink from that again, you hear me? Taehyung is stupid and he mixes shit he shouldn’t mix. I can’t believe he even gave you some of that-”
Jungkook rolls his eyes. He likes that his friends are always worrying and taking care of him, but sometimes they fuss a lot and baby him as if he was a little kid unable to protect himself. Taehyung is one of the few who, despite all of his fuss and pet names, still treats him as his equal. He knows his friends mean no harm, but sometimes it still bothers him. “I’m twenty-two, not fifteen. I accepted the drink.”
Jimin sighs. “I know but still. It’s cheap vodka. The worst kind. Anyway, I’m glad sadness wasn’t the reason then.”
He shakes his head. “It wasn’t.”
He actually remembers bits and pieces after drinking from the flask, too. Dancing and laughing with his friends, laughter making his stomach hurt in ways he didn't remember it was capable of hurting.
“You had fun, then? You certainly danced a lot," Jimin teases him with a knowing grin. Jungkook immediately groans and slams his head against the table, making the older laugh at him loud enough for the waitress behind the counter to send them a look.
“Oh, please don’t remind me.”
“I also remember you flirting with Taehyung. That’s a first," he adds. Jungkook wants to die from embarrassment. He remembers that too, sadly enough. He knows it wasn't that bad, but he kinda hopes Taehyung forgot about that or at the very least, didn't overthink it. It's stupid considering what happened between them afterwards is much more alarming than some dumb flirting.
“Shut up. Don’t tell anyone.”
His friend stares at him for a beat before saying, “Jungkook, we were all there.”
“I said shut up.”
Jimin laughs, taking a huge bite from his burger that leaves his mouth stained with ketchup. Jungkook throws a napkin at his face. “You’re ridiculous.”
“And you’re annoying. I like your boyfriend better," he replies, knowing fully well the effect it will have on Jimin and rejoicing when he's right.
“Take that back!"
“Make me," he shrugs, sticking out his tongue at him as if they were kids. Sometimes, it still feels like they are. If he focuses hard enough, he can think they're both fifteen, still eating the awful lunch from the cafeteria and laughing at their teachers' expense. Life was much easier back then, but he was too young to appreciate it.
Taehyung was right, why is life so hard in your twenties?
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
He isn’t sure Taehyung is even there, he could’ve left by now, but considering it’s a Saturday and he knows his schedule by heart, he’s pretty sure the older wouldn’t be up and about after a party at 12 p.m for no reason at all. He thinks of places he could go to, maybe the library or one of his friend’s dorms, anything to avoid returning home and facing whatever might be waiting for him there. But his friends are probably sleeping and wouldn’t even hear him knocking, anyway. Also, the library is right by their dorm, which means he could bump into Taehyung and that'd be even worse.
He's never been one to avoid his best friend. Okay, that's a lie. He's actually tried that a lot in the past. But does it really count if it never quite worked? This time he knows won't be an exception as his legs take him to his dorm and his heart demands to be heard over the noise inside his head. The last time Jungkook had sex with someone was about a year ago, a guy named Juwon that he met after Hoseok introduced them. He was nice but Jungkook mostly did it because he was a bit tipsy and his friends kept saying it'd be good to let out some stress from exams and shit. It wasn't bad but Jungkook hasn't had sex with a stranger ever since so he isn't sure it was a great experience either.
And yet, here he is.
He just never imagined the next time would be with Taehyung, out of all people. He should be happy, but how can he be happy when he can't remember most of it? When he knows it was only a result of having had too much alcohol? He just wishes he knew what Taehyung was thinking before heading there, but that's impossible. Taehyung is a bit of a wild card. He's the most secretive person he's ever met, and despite having known him for so long and even lived with him for so long, he still can't tell what the older is thinking most of the time. It's terrifying.
And yet the longer he stalls for, the worse it might be….at least for his anxiety, which is currently screaming for him to get it out of its own misery.
It’s usually when it comes to the future and how terribly uncertain it is, that his anxiety doubles in size until it threatens to choke him. And there is most definitely uncertainty when it comes to Kim Taehyung and whatever could be going through his head after what happened between them. His only hope is that he might not remember anything that happened himself, but considering Jimin told him Taehyung literally left and said he was passed out upstairs then…
It’s highly unlikely Taehyung has forgotten.
Jungkook is a nervous mess by the time he makes it to their dorm. His hands are shaking and his heart is hammering against his ribcage at a dangerous pace. He can feel his teeth digging on his lower lip, taste the bitterness from the blood oozing out. By the time he has enough courage to open the door, he’s already regretting having returned in the first place.
He was half expecting Taehyung to be fast asleep, but his friend is sitting on his bed with his phone in his hands. He looks up as soon as he hears the door open and immediately jumps to his feet, throwing his phone to the floor in the process as he rushes to wrap his arms around him.
“Jungkook fuck, I’ve been calling you for ages,” he says, urgently tightening his hold as if afraid he might slip away from him unnoticed. Before Jungkook gets to think of a reply, Taehyung suddenly lets go of him and takes a tentative step back. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to- I was just-”
Great, he thinks. Taehyung is being awkward after what happened. Gosh, this is the last fucking thing he wanted and now there won’t be going back to how they used to be. He ruined everything, one of his most precious friendships. This is like his biggest fear, his worst nightmare suddenly coming to life. Jungkook has been so careful for years . Careful to conceal his feelings from the older (even if he knows he fails every time), careful for him not to act on any of his impulses and now all of that hard work has been thrown straight into the trash after one stupid, drunken night-
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry about last night, I shouldn’t have-” Taehyung is whispering, eyes wide and apologetic. Jungkook frowns, confused by the older’s sudden behavior. “If anything happens to our friendship I don’t know if I’ll be able to forgive myself, I’m so-”
“Tae, it’s okay-”
“No, it’s not. I-I know my limits, and I was so stupid- ” he shakes his head, gaze falling to the floor in what looks a lot like shame.
Jungkook doesn’t know what he means by limits, but all he cares about right now is trying to calm him down. “We were both drunk-”
“Still-”
“Taehyung, stop ,” he says, this time wrapping his own arms around Taehyung and pulling him to his chest to prevent the older from saying anything else. It seems to work as his friend simply sighs against him, returning the hug and sniffing a bit. Jungkook’s heart breaks whenever Taehyung cries, and he can feel it whining now as he breaks the hug to look at him properly. “Please, don’t cry. I promise it’s okay.”
Taehyung wipes at the single tear threatening to fall from his left eye and nods. “I know. I just...you’re my best friend-”
“I thought Jimin was your best friend.”
Taehyung chuckles as he shakes his head. “That’s different,” he mumbles out and Jungkook is just about to ask him how it’s any different from what they have but Taehyung continues before he gets the chance. “I just really hope this doesn’t change anything between us.”
Jungkook isn’t disappointed, how could he be when he never expected anything in the first place?
“Of course not. I would never let anything get in between us, Tae," he whispers. Of course he wouldn't. Despite his feelings, despite this craving in his chest that seems to grow in size every day he wakes up and sees him, despite all of this, the friendship they share is the most precious thing he has. Allowing anything to endanger that is out of the question.
“I know but what if-”
The younger takes a deep breath as he gently grabs Taehyung by the shoulders and stares at him straight in the eye as he says, “This friendship is just about you and me. And neither of us will let anything get in the way so there’s nothing for you to worry about, okay?”
Taehyung nods, eyes wide. Sometimes Jungkook has to be the older one between them, be the one to guide him instead of being the one guided. He likes it. Every once in a while, Taehyung finds himself more sensitive or vulnerable and Jungkook is usually the only one he allows to see those parts of himself. He’ll never stop feeling incredibly grateful for that.
“Thank you. I’m such a drama queen,” Taehyung laughs but it comes out a bit watery still, as if there was a lump deep in his throat.
“You’re not. I freaked out, too.”
“Yeah, I knew you would but you handled it way better than I did.”
Jungkook would beg to differ. If he’d woken up with Taehyung by his side their first conversation would’ve gone quite differently. Jungkook was lucky enough to wake up in another dorm and have a couple of hours to do some thinking. He’s more than relieved.
“Remind me to never drink from your flask again,” he jokes, hoping to lighten up the mood even if it’s all pretend. He still can’t believe he slept with Taehyung, out of all people. That he got to kiss those lips and feel him closer than he ever had before. And that he barely fucking remembers any of it. He’s dying to know just how much Taehyung remembers but it’s not like he can ask without making things awkward.
Taehyung laughs as he shoves him before picking his phone up from the floor. “Shut up, I’m pretty sure we drank way more than just my special cocktail.”
Yes, he thinks. We drank enough for you to want to sleep with me.
“Probably...I should get some sleep, Jimin woke me up early,” he says as he rushes to his own bed. The truth is that sleep is way more tempting if it means he gets to escape his mind for a few hours. He needs a mental break. He can’t believe he’s able to act this...normal with Taehyung after what happened. He’s a great actor.
“Okay. I’ll go get some lunch, then. Minho invited me,” he replies. Jungkook buries his face into his pillow and groans. Taehyung thinks it’s for entirely different reasons as he laughs and runs his fingers through his hair. “Get some rest, Kookie.”
As soon as he hears the door closing, Jungkook allows himself to drop the façade and let himself feel.
And all he feels is heartbreak.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
Weeks go by and things slowly return to normal. Taehyung ends up in his bed whenever he sleeps at their dorm, and they watch the lights painting galaxies into their ceiling, their voices low in whispers as if not to disturb the stars.
Taehyung goes on dates, sleeps around, and continues living the way he always has. Jungkook kinda continues, too; studying, hanging out with his friends, rethinking his entire life and every single decision he’s made since birth, struggling to fall asleep whenever Taehyung isn’t there to murmur into his ear, calling Yoongi and hearing him read some article about pink dolphins...the usual.
On one particular night when Taehyung is out, Yoongi tells him about the lonely whale. He says the whale communicates at a different, deeper pitch than other species and how this means it’s forced to swim alone through the ocean.
“How come no other whale has the same pitch?” Jungkook hears himself mumble, his heart aching for the poor animal traveling through life with no one around.
“No other whale with a 52-hertz pitch has been found so far. There’s a theory that it might be deaf, and that would explain why its pitch is so much different than the rest,” Yoongi answers.
Jungkook remains quiet for a few moments as he processes this. Before this moment right now, he was completely unaware of the existence of such a whale. He wonders how many other animals live in isolation, unable to communicate with any other creature. And how many humans, too. He thinks of himself, of how sometimes loneliness seems to stick to his body like a second skin. Is he like the poor blue whale, too? But no, Jungkook is surrounded by people who love him. And if he wanted to, he could talk to them.
He’s just scared his pitch might end up being different from the rest once he tries.
“Now don’t go moping about the whale,” Yoongi adds after Jungkook doesn’t say anything else. “Look, here it says. ‘Many whale species are entering more and more the range of frequency of the 52-hertz whale, possibly bringing it out of its isolation. It is already thought that blue whales and the 52-Hertz whale have crossed migration,” he reads. “See? It’s probably already hanging with some other lonely whales.”
Jungkook chuckles, watching the lights turn from purple to light blue. “I really hope so.”
Yoongi breathes into the phone and as the younger glances at the clock to check the time (it’s three a.m.) he says, “I know what happened between you and Taehyung.” Jungkook isn’t too surprised by this, knows Taehyung tells Jimin a lot and Jimin shares everything with Yoongi. He’s just a bit shocked to hear that Jimin has known about this and hasn’t said anything to him yet. “I wasn’t going to say anything, but I know Taehyung has Jimin to talk to and you--well, I hope you know you have me, too.”
Jungkook smiles as he shuts his eyes and relaxes against his pillow. He’s exhausted, but as usual sleeping requires more from him than just tiredness. “I know, thank you. I just don’t have much to say.”
He hears Yoongi breathe against his ear and sighs. He knows the older isn’t letting go of this so easily, and he isn’t surprised in the slightest when he hears him say, “You slept with the person you’re in love with, I am sure you have a lot to say.”
Jungkook’s heart twists a little bit on itself at that, as if the reminder of Taehyung and all this love he has for him was enough to make its beating turn weak. As if he needed a reminder, as if he didn’t feel this hurricane swirling inside his body whenever he saw him. And isn’t that nearly impossible? To live with a constant natural disaster inside of you?
“I...we were drunk,” he says. “I barely remember any of it. We talked and we’re fine.”
“Are you, though?” Yoongi asks him.
“Am I what?”
“Are you fine? Are you okay with going back to normal?”
Jungkook scoffs at that. Going back to normal is the only thing he could ever hope for.
“What did you expect me to say to him?”
“Not to him, to me. You can be honest, I won’t judge you,” he murmurs. And Jungkook knows this, of course he does. Yoongi has never once judged him and probably never will.
“I never expected anything from Taehyung. I never once even entertained the possibility of anything happening between us,” he admits. “So I’m not disappointed. Honestly.”
Of course he’s not. There’s not a sliver of hope in his heart, not a single moment in which the idea of them being more than friends has ever crossed his mind. He knows it was a one time thing. It happens. That’s how Taehyung sees it, at least. Jungkook kinda wishes it hadn’t happened, because the little things he can remember, like the feeling of Taehyung’s cloud soft lips against his own, the pungent smell of the vanilla bean lotion he always wears, the taste of his skin...are enough to make this aching for Taehyung throb harder than it ever has before.
But he’ll get over it. He’ll get used to it.
“Okay. No more alcohol for you, though,” Yoongi jokes, and Jungkook knows he’s trying to lighten up the mood so he lets him.
“Yeah, definitely.”
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
There’s a tree on campus, right by the left end, close to the library but far away from the usually crowded spots. It’s a huge oak tree, with branches and roots thick enough for you to sit on, and thousands of green, beautiful leaves. Jimin found it around a year ago and swore it was their tree, insisted for each of them to come and see it, kept saying it was absolutely perfect for them. He was kinda right considering it had exactly seven huge roots, and it has sort of become their meeting spot ever since. Whenever any of them have a free period or are just killing some time, they visit the tree and check if anyone’s there. Jungkook has quite literally never walked by and seen it empty. On rare occasions he’s seen strangers there instead, but usually there’s at least one of his friends sitting under the big oak’s shadow.
Jungkook has some time to kill, and he has to go look for something in the library, so when he walks past and sees Jimin laying under the tree, he approaches him. He's wearing pale blue sunglasses even though not a single ray of sunshine is hitting his face. His head is resting on a particularly thick root, and even though it seems uncomfortable, his face is the epitome of calmness.
“Hey,” he says, and Jimin’s mouth spreads into a smile when he sees him.
“Hi! I was waiting for someone to finally come,” he sighs. “I’m skipping my lit class because I completely forgot about the book I was supposed to read for today.”
“Sounds responsible,” Jungkook chuckles before sitting by his side. They remain in silence for a few moments, the sound of birds chirping around them making Jungkook relax, as well. He now knows Jimin’s aware about what happened with Taehyung, but it’s been weeks and he hasn’t mentioned it at all. It really is a first for Jimin, but Jungkook is grateful nonetheless. He kinda wants to forget about the whole thing, even if he probably never will.
“Taehyung is an extremely private person, don’t you think?” his friend suddenly blurts out. The younger turns towards him and arches a confused eyebrow.
“I guess?”
“I swear, trying to get something out of him is like pulling teeth. Is it the same for you?” he inquires, pushing his glasses up to his head to meet his eyes.
“If he doesn’t tell you something then he most definitely isn’t telling me.”
“Oh come on, you two are different,” Jimin scoffs, and Jungkook is suddenly reminded of Taehyung’s same words only days ago.
“How…?”
“You just are,” Jimin simply answers, and before Jungkook gets to further question him, ask him what the fuck does that mean because he thinks everyone might be onto something he isn't, he feels a pair of arms wrap around his torso from behind. He startles, but before he can get to react or yell out, his body both relaxes and tenses at the same time when he realizes who these arms belong to.
“Jungkookie!” Taehyung yells, tightening his hold around him and kissing him on the cheek. Jungkook blushes immediately and averts Jimin’s gaze when the older raises both eyebrows at him, expression smug as if saying see? “Is this man bothering you?”
The older huffs. “I’m not bothering him, we were actually having a pretty nice conversation before you showed up.”
“Fuck off, Jungkook likes me better," Taehyung says, squeezing Jungkook a bit more before finally letting go of him.
“That’s because you manipulated him into thinking you’re an actually nice person," Jimin retorts, making Taehyung gasp in pure mockery before plopping down by Jungkook's feet.
“Too far, Park. You wound me,” he says, and before any of them get to add anything else, Taehyung’s phone starts ringing with incoming notifications for thirty seconds straight. They all stare at the device in Taehyung's pocket and watch as the older takes it out with a groan. “I don’t know why I downloaded tinder again. It’s a menace.”
“Oh excuse me, Mr. Popularity," Jimin sing songs, crossing his ankles and placing both hands behind his head as if he were resting on the beach and not against a quite uncomfortable tree with really old branches.
“Shut up. It’s just hard to find someone who is a good fuck and actually wants to fuck without you know…” he trails off, mouth pursing by the end. Jungkook feels his face heating up because he's both uncomfortable talking about sex publicly and because the last person he had sex with is sitting right by him. When he first entered their friend group, he was extremely awkward whenever they discussed their hook-ups so freely. All of them used to think Jungkook was a virgin judging by his behavior, but he just couldn't find entertainment in playing 'never have I ever' and laughing at his (albeit small) sexual experiences.
It still makes him a bit uncomfortable but he usually just sits by and remains quiet.
“Getting clingy?”
“Yeah. I’m too busy for clingy," Taehyung admits. And he is, considering both his Psychology major and his social life keep him pretty occupied most days.
“I’m sure there are a lot of people who would gladly have meaningless sex with you, Taehyung," Jimin says, and that's when the traitorous little shit sends a look his way and smirks. "Right, Jungkook?”
He should've known better than to think Jimin would just let this go. But why did he have to mention it for the first time right in front of Taehyung? Or even imply it. He's going to kill him as soon as Taehyung leaves. He even thinks perhaps Taehyung forgot what happened between them judging by how he literally acts as usual and hasn't mentioned it ever since (thank god). He knows that's nearly impossible though, unless the older has some actual short-term memory condition. It's only been three weeks, after all.
Jungkook still doesn't know if Taehyung left him there, how he left him there, or what exactly happened. He knows nothing and he doesn't dare to ask.
"I-"
"Leave him alone," Taehyung says, pointing an accusing finger at his friend. Jimin rolls his eyes, but the smile on his face is too big for his own good.
"Just saying, it's not that hard to find someone who wants to just have sex. It's college, not a church. Right, Jung-" Jimin says, directing the attention back to him even though he has yet to say anything to be a part of the conversation.
"Why do you keep asking me?" he questions, crossing his arms over his chest and trying to ignore the blush that is probably bleeding its way down his neck by now.
Jimin looks at him with challenging eyes and Jungkook immediately knows he shouldn't have asked him anything. "Well, you have sex, too."
Taehyung sighs. "Jimin-"
"What, he once slept with that guy-"
"That was a year ago," he mutters out.
"What guy?" Taehyung asks, frowning as he looks between the two of them in confusion. Jungkook forgot that the older didn't know about that, even though his friends teased him relentlessly about it for months. Taehyung had been gone for the summer to Daegu to visit his family and surprisingly enough, it seems no one told him about it at all once he was back.
"Oh, just a guy Hoseok introduced to Jungkook. First date and all. Jungkook is a pro at meaningless sex," Jimin jokes, winking his way. He isn't sure what Jimin is trying to do with all this hinting and suggestive looks he keeps sending between the two of them. Is he seriously hinting at Taehyung to have meaningless sex with him? Not only would Taehyung definitely never want that but he's also more than positive that it would be the worst idea ever. Nothing can be meaningless to him when it comes to Taehyung.
"I am not-"
"Ah, I didn't know that," Taehyung says, eyebrows rising in interest, a surprised look in his dark eyes he can't fully read passing by as he looks at him. "Well, there's another party this weekend-" he adds but Jimin doesn’t let him finish.
"Oh yes, in that frat house! It's gonna be cool, they have free weed and shit."
"Free weed?" Jungkook asks. He's never heard of a party with free anything (apart from grossly cheap alcohol), let alone weed.
Taehyung turns towards him with a smug smile, his silver hair shining as the sun kisses his head. "Ah, now you're interested, baby?"
He shakes his head, watching with wide eyes as the older begins leaning into his space. Jungkook has smoked weed lots of times before, of course he has. And he definitely enjoys it much more than alcohol. It relaxes him and he wouldn't mind smoking a joint this weekend...although going to a party is a dreadful deed in itself (especially after what happened during his last one).
"I- that's not-"
"Don't be shy, it's okay. I can take you and we can smoke lots of free weed," Taehyung says, and his smile is too deadly beautiful for Jungkook's sanity as he reaches to run his knuckles down his cheek. He would let him do anything to him.
"Oh-"
"Hello? I'm still here," Jimin says, making Jungkook look away from Taehyung's tantalizing stare.
"Shut up," Taehyung grunts out, but his hand is no longer touching Jungkook and there's something cold left behind without it.
Another party with Taehyung seems like a bad idea, the memory still too fresh and painful for him to ignore, like fresh paint smeared across a blank canvas. But his friends will be there too and there'll be free weed and it's going to be okay. It has to be.
Why is it that whenever he says that to himself, it always fails to be true, though?
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
"You can't possibly think going to another party is a good idea, Jungkook," Yoongi whispers in his ear later that night. It's Wednesday and Taehyung is taking one of his long showers. Jungkook used to get mad at him for wasting water, but he's gotten used to the older's habits by now. Taehyung always says he can't end his day without a long shower or he'll lose his mind. Truth be told, he does tend to seem a little bit calmer after he opens the door with wet hair and a soft smile on his face.
"I won't drink anything-"
"Then you won't even have a good time, so what's the point?" Yoongi asks. It's one of those rare times that the older is the one calling him and usually it's to act like his big brother and throw some advice his way...and usually , Jungkook ignores said advice because he's stubborn and thinks he knows better even when he doesn't.
"Are you implying people only have fun at parties if they're drunk?"
"I'm implying you only have fun at parties if you're drunk."
Jungkook sighs. "You'll be there, too. And the guys."
"I mostly go for the free weed and to watch Jimin dance like a maniac," Yoongi retorts.
"Same reasons," he lies. Yoongi chuckles and says something about Jungkook being a little shit, but before he gets to reply he suddenly feels Taehyung sliding into bed with him. He was facing the wall the whole time so he didn't even know he walked out of the bathroom. His legs are cold as they tangle with his own, and before he gets to react Taehyung is already grabbing the phone from him and saying,
"Sorry, Jungkook is busy cuddling me."
"Tae-"
"Leave him alone," he hears Yoongi reply.
"You're just jealous," Taehyung says before the two of them start bickering like an old married couple. It goes on for a few minutes before Taehyung ends up hanging up, Jungkook immediately glaring at him until the older asks him, "Why are you glaring at me, baby?"
"You didn't let me say goodbye!”
"Oh. Sorry. I forgot. Also, I crave attention," Taehyung jokes, but Jungkook knows he means it. He understands, he's the same way. With him in particular. He's always craving, wanting, wishing, desiring. "Want me to turn on the galaxy lights?"
"No, it's okay. I want to sleep."
"Okay, baby. Whatever you want."
He falls asleep to vanilla bean teasing his nose and fingers threading through his hair.
ii.
My mother said I'm too romantic
She said, "You're dancing in the movies"
Seokjin is shining so much that Jungkook is positive that all eyes in the room must be on him. He's wearing a purple jacket sewed with so many sequins he thinks he can see his own reflection in them if he tries hard enough. The lights in the house are bright and the way they slam against the fabric wrapped around him is borderline insane. He's overly dressed and he knows it, but he doesn't seem to care. He makes it work somehow, both with his attitude and the casual jeans and white shirt underneath that brings the outfit together almost perfectly.
Jungkook isn't that much of a fashionista himself, though. The only reason he's even wearing a maroon denim jacket that works pretty well with his tight jeans is that Yoongi told him to at least make an effort if he was partying with them. Apparently the hoodie last time didn’t quite cut it...whatever.
"Everyone is staring at us, this is so embarrassing," Namjoon comments as he sends a rather unsubtle glance at Seokjin.
The older stares back at him, face filled with disdain.
"Are you calling me embarrassing?"
"I mean, why wear that to a frat party?" Hoseok asks next, although he doesn't seem that bothered by the looks.
"It looks great, stop being mean," Jimin cuts in then as he returns from the kitchen with drinks for everyone. Jungkook shakes his head, immediately rejecting whatever is in that red plastic cup. "Oh, right. You wanted weed. Taehyung is probably smoking already in the garden. You should join him and his friends."
Jungkook blinks. "Are you kidding me?"
"What?"
"You honestly expect me to go and join Taehyung and his friends? By myself?"
Yoongi huffs. "Do you even know Jungkook?"
"Fine, let's go. I'll escort you," Jimin rolls his eyes, already offering a hand his way.
"No-"
"Yes, come on. You big baby,” he insists, and proceeds to ignore the younger’s protests while he pushes him towards the backyard.
As soon as they make it there, Jungkook regrets not having fought harder. Taehyung is sitting on some guy's lap, laughing and talking and getting kisses down his neck. All pretty much at once. He looks beautiful, silver hair styled in a way that exposes his forehead and eyebrows, lips glossy and shining beneath the moonlight, eyes crinkling at the corners as he laughs.
"Ugh, I'm sorry you have to see this," Jimin sighs. "I did try to make Taehyung become your friend with benefits the other day-"
Jungkook turns his way then, feeling the anger he felt a few days ago suddenly returns to him full force. "Yes, why the fuck did you do that?"
The older looks taken aback by his question, the eyeliner on his eyes giving his gaze more depth. "I was trying to help-"
"You really think that would help? Or that Taehyung would ever want to fuck me?" he adds, but of course that was the wrong thing to say.
Jimin shakes his head in disbelief before blurting out, "He already has."
"He was drunk. Also, I'm surprised it took you this long to mention it," he says, eyeing his friend warily.
"You know what they say about drunk people," he smiles, and there's a dangerous glint there that looks a lot like defiance. "And yes, you're welcome. I was trying not to yell at you for being so blind."
Jungkook shakes his head, refusing to give Jimin the satisfaction of actually discussing this with him. He knows what his friend thinks, what he will say, that this is proof that Taehyung also has feelings for him, that he should just go and confess and risk losing one of the most important people in his life. "Let's just go, he's busy."
"Fuck that. Taehyung!" Jimin yells, making more than a few heads turn their way. Taehyung immediately turns towards them as well, and Jungkook wants to die as he pretends to be looking anywhere else entirely. He didn't even get to see the older until now since he came right from Yoongi's place, so he really wasn't prepared to witness Taehyung wearing a loose satin button down that flies down his body like a gown, paired with tight leggings that cling to his thighs. He looks effortlessly hot, as usual.
He doesn't hesitate to jump to his feet, leaving the guy behind and approaching them with a big smile.
"You look good," is what he tells Jungkook as he runs a hand through his hair, fingers trailing until they reach his neck and squeeze gently. Taehyung has a thing for his hair, always finding ways to touch it. He says it's silky soft even though they use the same shampoo and Jungkook doesn't think there's anything inherently special about it. Still, he'll get what he can get.
"Yes, hey. I'm also here," Jimin complains from his side while flinging up his arms, the sleeves on his jacket almost entirely covering his small hands. The leather jacket he's wearing is Yoongi's and looks way too big on him, despite them being pretty much the same height.
"Yes, hi darling. I was wondering where you guys were."
Jimin scoffs before taking a sip from his drink. "Really, you seemed quite entertained from here."
Taehyung sends a glance over his shoulder as if he didn't remember the person he was with literally just seconds ago. "Huh? Oh, just getting free weed. I got us some joints," he whispers to Jungkook with a wink, nudging him mischievously.
"Really?"
"Yes, let's go smoke ‘em. I wanna lie on the grass," he says. "Jimin, wanna come?"
Jimin looks between the two of them, a knowing smile painting over his red lips as he answers, "Nah, I'm gonna go and meet the guys inside. Have fun!"
Taehyung waves him off as if they won't bump into each other in probably an hour or less. Jungkook follows the older as he walks through the garden, heading to a secluded corner with fewer people. The house is huge, like all frat houses are. The backyard alone could fit around a hundred students so it's not that hard to actually find an empty spot. Jungkook is relieved, since the constant noise, loud voices and the strong stench of both weed and alcohol was slowly making him dizzy. Taehyung does just like he said he would and throws himself down on the grass as if it were a bed instead of actual...ground.
"So comfy," he sighs, arms spreading around his body like a starfish.
"You're already high, aren't you?" he asks as he lies down by his side, making sure to leave a few inches between them, even if he knows that distance will most likely be temporary considering how touchy-feely Taehyung usually is.
"No. I was waiting for you!" he answers, already taking a joint out of his pocket next to a lighter. As soon as he lights it up and presses it against Jungkook's parted lips, the younger wonders if Yoongi was right and this was a terrible idea. But no, he's been high with Taehyung before and nothing ever happened. He's also been drunk before and nothing had ever happened, either. Jungkook is always careful, never once confessed by accident or said the wrong thing due to being under the influence. It's like his mind is so used to concealing his feelings that it wouldn't betray him even while half-asleep.
Why was that time different between them, though? Why did he ask to kiss him and why did Taehyung actually agree?
He sighs, deciding he can't keep overthinking, not right now at least. Lord knows he's been eating his own brain for weeks, replaying that night inside his head and trying to remember a few more details, if anything to understand how the hell that happened. His only conclusion is that Taehyung was way too drunk and got confused. As for himself...he doesn't have any excuses. He was drunk, yes, more than he'd been in months if not years...but he also slipped up in a way he hopes never happens again. He can't allow something risky like that to happen again. What if Taehyung had been sober, what if he'd said no, what if he'd ruined everything?
"You're stressed, aren't you baby?"
Jungkook blinks up at Taehyung as the older sits up and cups his cheek, glossy lips pouting while he bats his very dark, long eyelashes at him.
"I'm okay, Tae," he lies.
"Smoke, it'll help," he says as if he didn't even hear him. Jungkook does as he's told because that was the whole point of coming to this party, anyway. When Taehyung takes it from him, he stares at his pretty lips once again, how they circle around it, and remembers kissing them, how soft they were against his own. The older shuts his eyes as some smoke abandons his mouth and he lies back down on the grass, facing the stars above. "Better?"
"Yeah."
"I saw Jin's jacket from here. I love him," he laughs. Jungkook smiles at that. Of course Taehyung would love it, he adores anything eye-catching, which works just as well considering he's usually the center of attention everywhere he goes.
"He's crazy."
There's silence for a moment, or as much silence as there can be in the middle of a frat party. Jungkook hears the music booming from inside the house, and wonders if the walls are shaking with the yelling coming from there as well.
"Anyone caught your eye tonight?"
Jungkook sends a confused look at the older. "What?"
Taehyung simply shrugs nonchalantly after forming a ring of smoke with his lips that seems to tease the air around them right before it fades away. "Just asking, since Jimin said you're quite the one-night-stand king," he says, but both his tone and the wink he adds at the end make it obvious that he's just teasing him. Jungkook blushes anyway.
"Oh god, that's not-"
"Don't be shy, I don't know why you never told me."
"There's nothing to tell."
"Sure there is. You never once brought anyone back to our dorm," Taehyung adds, and Jungkook takes the opportunity to take the joint from him and busy his mouth with it. The older sees right through his act and scrunches up his nose at him. "I know what you're doing."
He shrugs. "I'm not doing anything. Jimin was just being...Jimin."
Taehyung hums under his breath but Jungkook can tell he isn't satisfied with his answer in the slightest. Still, he drops the subject and says instead, "Wanna try something?"
"What?"
“Just part your lips for me," he instructs, and Jungkook knows what he's going to do before he does it, has seen his friends do it before...with people they wanna hook up with or their boyfriends, not amongst friends. He watches him lean into his space, invade his personal bubble, the one he would let him burst whenever he pleases.
Taehyung takes a hit from the joint then, their fingers brushing as he takes it from him, before opening his mouth, leaning close enough for the cloud of smoke to reach Jungkook's own lips. He feels their mouths almost touching, but neither of them lean far enough for it to happen. He swallows it all down, feels the weed already starting to relax his limbs. "That's right, just like that," Taehyung whispers, and if he leaned just a tiny bit closer their lips would brush. He can feel the warmth of his breath hitting the sensitive skin there and fuck-
Jungkook thinks he might be half hard inside his jeans. He tries to remind himself that this is nothing, that this means nothing, that Taehyung is a natural flirt and he probably does this with everyone (even if he's never done this with him before), the same way he uses pet names with everyone and hugs strangers and kisses people whose names he doesn't even know. It's hard to remember all of this though, especially when he blinks and the older is staring at him with those unreadable eyes of his.
It’s been around twenty minutes since they started smoking the weed and he can already feel a little bit bubbly inside but it’s barely there at all. Taehyung has been smoking for just as long so he isn’t really high either. He’s never looked at him this way before, though. Not really, not when-
“Do you remember anything from…” Taehyung mumbles then, and there’s more space between their mouths now but still not enough for him not to be tempted to lean over and kiss him.
“From…?”
“That night?”
“T-that night?” he asks, and he knows he’s just repeating words by now but he can’t really form a coherent sentence at the moment. They haven’t talked about that night ever since it happened and that’s why Jungkook even thought for a moment he might’ve forgotten about it but there he is now, talking in that deep voice of his with those intense eyes and that delicious mouth-
“Yeah just…” he looks away, shrugs. “Wondering.”
“Tae…”
“I’m sorry, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” Taehyung says, and Jungkook can swear the older is kinda blushing but it’s too dark to be sure. He’s seen him blush a number of times, enough to count with one single hand. So yes, he’s convinced it must be a trick of the light or something.
“You never do,” Jungkook answers immediately, because it’s true. Taehyung never makes him uncomfortable, ever. “I just...I don’t remember much.”
Taehyung purses his lips at that. “Oh.”
He kinda wants to ask, so many questions. He didn’t think he’d ever get the chance to talk about it again, let alone with him. He wants to hear him say exactly what happened, in detail, and also maybe why he left Jungkook there afterwards, why he didn’t stick around, why he treated the whole thing as if...as if they weren’t…as if he wasn’t...
He blinks and blurts out, “Do you?”
“Yeah. I remember a lot,” he nods, voice a little quieter now. He looks at him straight in the eye though, determined and kinda ashamed at the same time. It’s a rather odd combination. “I keep...thinking about it, and...”
Jungkook is sure his face must be red as a tomato now, judging by the rise in temperature he feels all over his body. His eyes are wide in shock as he manages not to stutter out when he asks just to make sure he didn’t misheard, “You do?”
His friend shakes his head, looks down and when Jungkook follows his gaze he realizes Taehyung is still holding onto the joint. He even forgot they were smoking weed only moments ago.“God, Jungkook. I don’t want to say-”
“S-say what?”
“Anything that might make this awkward between us, I told myself I wouldn’t even talk about it and here I am-” he sighs, half defeated, half angry at himself for reasons Jungkook can’t quite fathom. Why does Taehyung look so conflicted? He expected the older to joke around, tease him about it, maybe even laugh at him...or never mention it again. But this, whatever this is, never once crossed his mind.
Taehyung seems...actually nervous. Around him , of all people.
“I told you nothing would ever get in between us, remember?” he says, if anything to reassure him.
“Yeah, I know.”
“Then tell me, what is it?” he asks. Taehyung’s hesitance and nerves somehow make him feel a bit bolder.
The older looks at him straight in the eye then, his dark irises swirling in and out of sight as Jungkook thinks he’s so close he could count the freckles and moles in Taehyung’s skin, even in the parcial darkness that surrounds them. He licks his lips and takes a tiny deep breath of confidence right before he says, “I keep thinking I want to do it again.”
The younger is positive his heart has both stopped beating and started screaming inside him. He must look crazed as he blurts out, “ What ?”
Taehyung chuckles, the sound almost awkward. “Is it that terrible of an idea?”
“I just...d-do it...you want...me...again-”
“Jungkook,” Taehyung sighs, pinches the bridge of his nose before adding, “That night was incredible. I wish you could remember then maybe-”
Jungkook really has been careful for years. With his words, with his feelings, with his heart. Careful not to get his hopes up, careful not to stare too much, careful not to be too obvious, careful careful careful all the time. It’s exhausting. He didn’t realize just how much so until now, having Taehyung merely inches away from him, with that mouth he’s been dreaming of tasting again for endless weeks. He can’t possibly say no to Taehyung.. He’s weak and stupid and impulsive. He thinks of what he said to Jimin only about an hour earlier, how he thought the idea of no-strings-attached sex with Taehyung would be a recipe for disaster.
And yet, what his mouth says is quite different. He bites on his lower lip, forgets about every warning sign in bold letters inside his head and says, “Remind me?”
Taehyung’s gasp is tiny and barely audible as he presses it against his mouth only seconds later.
All worry leaves his brain as he kisses the older back, tasting alcohol and weed and nothing at all.
Yes, definitely a recipe for disaster.
Taehyung licks inside his mouth, sucks on his lower lip, whines almost needily. Jungkook feels just as desperate as he kisses him back fervently, running his own tongue down the curve of his lip and drowning all the sounds Taehyung makes inside his mouth. His hands find solace in the older’s small waist, pulling him even closer yet. He can feel his fingers trembling slightly, his body going into overdrive as he’s finally sober and kissing Taehyung, two things he never thought could happen at the same time.
“J-Jungkook-” Taehyung pants between kisses and fuck, the sound of his name coming from his lips in a needy whine must be the best thing he’s ever heard. “Touch me,” he begs, and Jungkook doesn’t hesitate before snaking his fingers down Taehyung’s silken shirt, feeling the warmth of his smooth skin. He’s definitely hard by now, and he kinda forgets they’re still in the backyard, laying on fucking grass out of all places, surrounded by strangers. He forgets and judging by Taehyung wrapping both arms around his neck and pulling him even closer, he doesn’t know where things would’ve led to if it weren’t for the sudden yell they both hear.
“Tae! Jungkook! Where are you guys?!”
Jungkook’s eyes widen as he freezes, immediately jumping away from Taehyung, not even having realized he was two seconds away from hovering over his body. Taehyung looks even sexier than before; lips bitten and swollen from kissing, messy locks flying in the wind, shirt half falling from his body. Jungkook doesn’t even want to think about what he must look like.
Oh god, it’s obvious. They’re gonna know-
Taehyung meets his eyes, his gaze bright beneath the moonlight and says, “I hate our friends.”
Jungkook is just about to answer, probably a reply consisting of a weird sound since he can’t really think properly right now, but he thankfully doesn’t have to as Seokjin and Namjoon finally reach them.
“There you are!” Namjoon says, and Jungkook is eternally grateful that the ones who found them were them. They’re way too oblivious to see anything weird about them right now. And also, way too drunk. “We were looking for you!”
“W-we were-”
“Smoking weed, obviously,” Taehyung says, even though their joint must be thrown somewhere in the grass by now. “What is it?”
“Hoseok is playing beer pong, you guys have to come watch!” Jin says, a wide smile on as he offers Jungkook his hand to help him get up. The younger looks down at the clear tent on his jeans and crosses his legs, hoping no one saw that.
“I’ll join you guys in a bit,” he says.
“Fine, whatever. But come quickly!” Namjoon replies. “He’s about to take his shirt off!”
They both leave then, running off in laughter. Yup, definitely drunk.
Taehyung stands up then, fixing his shirt and running his fingers through his hair. His face is smug, eyes filled with mirth as he looks at Jungkook’s crossed legs and says, “Got a problem there?”
Jungkook covers his face with both hands and audibly groans into them.
“Come on. We can um...talk about this later,” Taehyung says, but Jungkook isn’t sure if talking is what he actually means considering the heated look he sends his way.
He can’t believe this is happening.
He follows Taehyung into the house, and when they reach his friends, he tries to laugh at Hoseok’s competitive streak and the shirt that eventually makes it to the floor, but he can’t. All he can think about is Taehyung, and how he might’ve just said yes to sleeping with him again.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
Jungkook ends up not seeing Taehyung for more than five minutes for the next few days, which is both a blessing and a curse. As soon as they return from the party, they both fall asleep and when Jungkook wakes up the following day, Taehyung is already gone to class. He only sees him that night for a little bit before the older leaves to have dinner with some friends from his art class, and then the next day he spends all day shopping with Jimin in the city. Jungkook feels his heart climbing up his throat each time he walks into the dorm and wonders if Taehyung might be there, but he rarely is.
The times when they bump into each other, Taehyung is often in a rush and as predicted, acts as if nothing out of the ordinary ever happened between them. It's been driving Jungkook insane. He's used to overthinking, he's constantly stressed about one thing or the other and he's sure he'll be getting new grey hairs any day now. And not the kind that Taehyung has, with his silver locks that look beautiful against his honeyed skin. He's going to look like an old man..like his grandpa Josung.
"I say we divide the project in two parts, you take Jessen's analysis of forensics linguistics' and I'll take--dude, are you listening?" Hoseok suddenly asks, shoving him on the shoulder to catch his attention. Hoseok is majoring in Philosophy and they sometimes share a few classes, which makes it great when the teachers ask them to form groups. Jungkook hates working in groups with people he doesn't know.
"Yeah yeah, let's do that."
"You're distracted. What is it, come on," the older asks, leaning against his hand and sending him a patient look that reminds him a lot of his father, back when he was a kid and would spend hours sulking instead of talking because he didn’t quite know how to put what he felt into words. Is that what he does now, too? Maybe, probably. He knows communication is important, but isn't it much harder than it should be?
"Nothing, honestly. Let's just finish this up before recess is over," he says and despite Hoseok clearly wanting to push some more, he simply shrugs it off and continues rambling off about their project. His friend is just as passionate as he is so he's really the best partner for this kind of thing.
He's glad he doesn't ask any more questions, because Jungkook isn't great at lying and he also doesn't think talking about this to any of his friends would help. Jimin would definitely encourage it because he lives his life as if it were a movie and he was the main protagonist who is bound to get a happy ending no matter what, and then Yoongi would immediately hit him and ask him if he's finally decided to give up on trying to be happy in life.
They're quite literally the epitome of the angel and devil resting on his shoulders and he isn't quite sure which one is which by now. Or which one he should listen to. Although, who is he kidding, Jungkook has never had much of a sense of self-preservation to begin with.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
As life would have it, the next time Jungkook does see Taehyung and actually has enough time to engage in a conversation with him, is when the older is getting ready to go on yet another date. Jungkook is watching him parade around the dorm in different outfits, each one looking more beautiful than the last; tight black jeans ripped across the thighs, loose navy blue pants, cashmere shirts and soft sweaters and even a few crop tops.
He watches him put on make up, style his hair, choose his shoes and jewellery, all while he pretends to be focusing on his phone instead. On anything but how upset he fucking is at having gotten his hopes up like a dumb little kid. He wonders briefly why he even thought something that good could happen to him. Taehyung clearly didn’t mean anything he said or did, because if he had he would’ve at least said something else, mentioned it in the slightest. Not just gone out with someone the moment he had the chance.
And fuck, that hurts. Because even if it meant nothing to him, Jungkook is still in love with Taehyung, has been for years, and a mere brush of lips is enough to send his heart into haywire. He remembers the older saying that night had been incredible , that he wished Jungkook would remember too, that he wanted to do it again. What happened with all of that, where did it all go?
“Which shirt looks better?” Taehyung asks him now, to which Jungkook simply shrugs, barely even sparing him a glance. “Wow, can you at least pretend to care?” he chuckles, but he doesn’t sound offended at all as he finally decides to keep the one he was wearing in the first place. “What are you so focused on, anyway?”
Jungkook doesn’t reply, and he knows he’s being petty and that he should at least pretend things are okay between them but he’s really mad right now, because even if Taehyung is completely unaware of his feelings, he could at least act as if he gave a fuck about having fucked and kissed his best friend...right?
“Jungkook.”
“Nothing, just homework.”
“Why are you glaring at your phone?”
“I’m not glaring.”
“Fine, whatever,” he sighs and Jungkook feels a little bit bad at his defeated tone, but only moments later Taehyung starts humming a song under his breath while he applies eyeliner, and he can’t bring himself to apologize. He resumes his rather aggressive typing, counting the seconds until Taehyung leaves so he can maybe call Yoongi and try to sleep this anger off, when Taehyung suddenly adds moments later, “Baby, can you pass me the-”
“Don’t call me that.”
It’s a reflex, he doesn’t even realize he’s said it until it’s out there and he immediately wants to take it back, especially after looking up and seeing the hurt that streaks across Taehyung’s face. His friend slowly shuts his eyeliner and places it back on his make up bag, his movements careful and collected. Jungkook gulps as he watches him slowly approach his bed and take a seat by his side. “Okay now, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing-”
“Don’t bullshit me, I know you and frankly you aren’t a great actor.”
Jungkook wants to laugh at that. If only he knew.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” he says, because it’s true, he doesn’t. Not anymore, at least. He’s been expecting for Taehyung to bring it up ever since he said he would, and it’s been days and now he’s leaving for a goddamn date. What is he supposed to say, anyway? He can’t really be mad if Taehyung regretted it and now doesn’t want to have sex with him anymore. Or kiss him. Or hold him with hands that yearn for more than just friendship.
Deep down that little ache in his chest that knocks against his ribcage every second is just sadness that he’s turning into anger, because anger is always easier to handle than heartbreak, isn’t it?
“I’m not leaving until you tell me.”
“Then don’t leave,” he whispers, but it doesn’t come out aggressive this time, if anything it’s soft and quiet and filled with longing. The sadness kinda won over, it seems.
Taehyung looks at him with gentle eyes as realization dawns upon him and he takes his hand between his own. “Baby. if you wanted me to stay you could’ve just asked.”
He shakes his head, but he doesn’t push him away. “It’s not that. I don’t...I just thought we-”
“We what?”
“Nothing, it’s stupid.”
“It’s not stupid if it makes you sad. You can tell me anything, come on, it’s me,” he says and yes, Jungkook thinks, that’s the thing. It’s you. And I love you. And I’m terrified of what this might do to me.
He can’t quite believe he’s doing this, but fuck it.
“Do you remember what you told me at the party last weekend?” he asks, eyes casted somewhere across his lap. He stares at Taehyung's hands, his slender fingers, the lilac in his perfectly trimmed nails.
The older is quiet for a moment, long enough for Jungkook to question if he just asked something he should've kept to himself. But no, when he looks up he finds Taehyung watching him in what seems like surprise, if not a feeble sort of awe.
“Yes, of course.”
Jungkook takes a deep breath and forces himself not to look away, even if all his instincts are telling him to do exactly that. “Did you mean any of it?”
There's no hesitation this time when his friend answers, “All of it." There's that unreadable sort of determination in his eyes again, the one Jungkook both envies and wishes he could understand. What do you want from me, he wants to ask him. He's afraid he might give him whatever he would ask for.
“Then why...why are you going out to…”
“To what?”
Jungkook remembers now why he usually keeps things to himself. It's a lot harder than even his own overthinking mind warned him it'd be, to actually put the things he wants into words. He knows Taehyung wouldn't judge him, wouldn't mock him or laugh at his expense. But there's a part of him that still tells him he's just making a fool of himself by allowing anyone to see past the tiny cracks in the walls he's been carefully crafting around him for years. “You t-told Jimin all you wanted was sex from these dates," he starts.
Taehyung's pretty eyes are wide and bright when he asks, “Are you offering…”
“I thought that was what you wanted.”
“...you’d be okay with that?”
“If you were too, yes," he lies. Would he really be okay with that? Would it even be fair to ask this of Taehyung when the older is unaware of Jungkook's feelings? He's just hurting himself though, not Taehyung, so he doesn't really care about the possible consequences.
Taehyung seems to be struggling though, a battle of his own trapped within his frantic gaze as he shakes his head and chews on his pink bottom lip. “But...I don’t know, I…I want to, believe me. That’s why I said that but...fuck," he runs a hand through his hair, messing up the locks he so meticulously styled only moments prior. "I don’t want to damage our friendship in any way, baby. I love you.”
“I love you, too,” he says, but he knows Taehyung means it in a different way, and that he thinks Jungkook means it in that same way. “I won’t let it get in our way i-if you won’t, either.”
“Never. You’re precious to me, Jungkook,” he sighs, and the younger hasn't even realized how the distance between them has shortened while they talked until Taehyung presses his forehead against his own, breathing his same air. He watches him close his eyes before he asks him, “Can I kiss you?”
Instead of answering, Jungkook presses his mouth into Taehyung's own, and he instantly melts.
Taehyung kisses him gently, with almost a sort of reverence to it. He swipes his tongue across his lip, asks for entrance that Jungkook instantly grants him by parting his mouth. He tastes like the minty gum he was chewing minutes before, and mixed with the peach lip gloss he’s wearing, it’s such a deadly combination that Jungkook hears himself whine against him, pressing a bit harder into the older. Taehyung gives him everything he asks for and more, licking softly inside his mouth, hands going to his waist and squeezing until he moans with want.
The kisses don’t take too long before clearly turning heated, and Jungkook can barely believe how bold his arms are as they wrap around Taehyung’s body and pull him into his lap. “Oh,” he hears him say in surprise as Jungkook sits up, feeling him wrap his own legs and thighs around him before kissing him once again. He’s absolutely enthralled by Taehyung’s warm mouth, by the way he presses back against him, kisses him with just as much fervor and want as he does.
“W-wait your date-” he finds himself saying out of nowhere, to which Taehyung stares at him in confusion, looking half gone already.
“What?”
“Your date, you should text-”
“Oh. Yeah, yeah, I’ll do that,” he says then but he’s immediately chasing after Jungkook’s mouth, words long forgotten. Jungkook isn’t going to quit making out with Taehyung to remind him a second time, so he simply shrugs the whole thing off. He can feel himself slowly hardening in his pants, and he’s sure Taehyung can feel it as well considering he’s quite literally half-sitting on his cock. It doesn’t take long before he decides to act on it, rubbing his ass against his erection and making Jungkook see stars imploding against his eyelids.
“F-fuck, Tae,” he sighs on his mouth. Taehyung knows exactly what he’s doing and his expertise doesn’t come unnoticed, the movement of his hips and the exact pressure he applies against Jungkook are almost enough to make him come and despite how badly his body wants to, he refuses to humiliate himself that much. It’s the first time he’s completely sober and doing this sort of thing with Taehyung, and he can’t make a shitty first impression...even if he doesn’t technically remember their first time.
“You like that, baby?” Taehyung whispers against his ear, flicking his tongue against his earlobe and making Jungkook moan in retaliation. His hands snake past Taehyung’s waist, slowly moving downwards until they find his asscheeks and squeeze. He knows he’s being bold as fuck right now, but judging by the way Taehyung lets out a shameless moan as soon as he touches his backside, he thinks he’s doing okay. “Wanna suck you off,” he adds, his lips now murmuring the words to his neck as he presses kisses into the sensitive skin there.
“Shit, y-yeah s-sure,” he stutters out, cursing at himself for not being able to string a whole sentence together. Taehyung laughs though, pushing him downwards until he’s laying on his back once again. He watches as he licks his kissed lips, moving until he gets a hold of his jeans and starts pushing them off Jungkook’s legs. He helps him, raising his hips until the pants make it somewhere across the floor and he’s left on his boxers. He’s visibly hard now, and it’d be embarrassing if it weren’t for the lust filled eyes watching him as if he were a fucking meal.
He can’t believe Taehyung is looking at him like this. He always thought he saw him like a little kid, his little brother or something. But as the older takes his underwear off and immediately wraps a hand around him, he thinks he was definitely wrong about that one.
“You know, you’re bigger than I remembered,” he says, and Jungkook is blushing so hard right now he has to literally cover his face with his hands. Taehyung laughs again, but after a few tugs of his wrist he adds in that deep, sultry voice of his, “You’re gonna want to see this baby.”
Jungkook takes his hands away from his eyes at the same time that Taehyung looks at him straight in the eye right before opening his mouth and going down on him. The sight of him, with those meaty, wet lips wrapping around his cock are enough to send him reeling. He was right, he did want to see that. He has to hold himself back from coming the moment he feels the delicious warmth of his mouth wrapping around him..he has to at least last a few minutes, he tells himself, both struggling to watch and look away from Taehyung.
He has no gag reflex, he realizes as he feels the head of his cock hit against the back of his throat, Taehyung bobbing his head up and down his length. His pretty fingers hold onto the base, fondling with his balls, teasing the tender skin there as he sucks on his cock as if it were a fucking lollipop. He even moans around it, the vibrations sending Jungkook to a whole other galaxy. He’s gotten head a few times before, but no one has ever sucked him off like this, with such devotion and passion . It’s almost as if Taehyung is enjoying this as much as he is, which seems nearly impossible considering he’s two seconds away from coming down his throat.
“Tae, f-fuck I-I’m close,” he admits shamefully, which Taehyung seems absolutely unfazed by. If anything, he starts sucking a bit harder, with more intent than before. Jungkook is so close to climaxing he can barely hold it together anymore, thighs visibly shaking. He thrusts a bit inside Taehyung’s mouth, fucks up into it and sees him react to it with even louder moans. It’s only a moment later that he comes, as the older takes his cock out of his mouth and presses his tongue against the head, rubbing it up and down the wet muscle, the sight filthy and beautiful.
He comes hard, moaning Taehyung’s name like a mantra, eyes shutting out of their own accord. When he blinks them open he finds Taehyung’s mouth and lips stained with his come, the older not hesitating before licking it all off and swallowing as if it was exactly what he wanted.
Jungkook is left in awe and so much fucking ecstacy he can barely speak.
“Th-that was…” he says after a pause. Taehyung laughs with a nod as he once again hovers over his body. He’s still fully clothed while Jungkook is completely naked and there’s something so hot about that, even if he wishes he could see him with nothing at all.
“Yes, that was great,” he agrees.
“Wait, you didn’t-”
“It’s okay, I can-” Taehyung starts, waving a dismissive hand around as if Jungkook would ever allow the older to take care of himself when he literally has permission to touch Taehyung now. He’s not going to pass on this opportunity. He doesn’t hesitate before picking him up from the bed and in a swift movement of his arms, place him back on his lap, this time his legs at either side of his right leg. “W-what are you doing?”
“Ride my thigh,” Jungkook says, with a confidence he didn’t even know he owned until now.
Taehyung’s eyes open in shock as he stares back at him, lips parting. He doesn’t say anything at first but a moment later he sighs, licking his lips right before he starts actually rubbing himself off against his thigh like he told him. “You’re gonna be the death of me,” he hears him whisper, and Jungkook doesn’t understand how someone like him can be that easily impressed...especially by him.
Taehyung riding his thigh though, despite the fact he’s still fully clothed, is hot enough to almost make him hard again. It doesn’t last too long, only a few moments of the older holding onto his shoulders for leverage and moving his hips against the meat of his thigh until he comes. Jungkook gets to watch the whole thing though, with a hunger that he barely recognizes within himself. Taehyung throws his head back, moans as he reaches his orgasm, cock twitching inside his tight jeans, nails digging into Jungkook’s skin.
“Oh god, y-yes, J-jungkook...ah,” he sighs as he whines, riding off the last of his climax before his body falls against his own, spent and beautiful and his. Well, not really his. But Jungkook still wraps his arms around him, holds him there for a moment until his breathing returns to normal and Taehyung looks up at him from his chest, a relaxed smile on his face. “Well. I think you just fixed a few problems for me, baby.”
Jungkook smiles back, just as he wonders what he just got himself into.
iii.
Fire on fire would normally kill us
But this much desire, together, we're winners
It becomes routine. One day Jungkook hasn’t gotten laid in over eight months and thinks he’s trapped in an endless loop of watching the boy he loves date other people, and then the next he’s getting laid every single day with said boy. It’s insane. Jungkook wakes up most mornings thinking it was all a dream that his shitty mind has conjured up, but then he sees Taehyung at their dorm and the older kisses him in the mouth and gropes him against the nearest surface.
They have yet to have actual sex again, but it’s only been a week and a busy one at that, with too many exams and projects and essays to write that Jungkook wishes would stop existing. Every time they do see each other though, it’s as if an invisible force brings them together and there’s nothing they can do but succumb under its claws. Jungkook would be satisfied even if the sex never came, because getting to kiss Taehyung is even more than he ever imagined he’d get.
But judging by the way their kisses always turn into something lewd and riveting, he doesn’t think sex will ever be off the table. It fills him with anxiety, but the good kind, each time their mouths collide wondering if this time might be it. He’s used to Taehyung setting the pace, because he knows that if it were up to him, he’d lose any semblance of self-control he ever possessed. It’s overwhelming at times, knowing that he’s able to hold and touch and squeeze and lick and taste whichever part he’d like from Taehyung’s body.
And also, it helps him sleep. Falling asleep after having had an orgasm is one of the few great pleasures of life, and whenever they see each other and have enough time to do anything is usually during the night. Jungkook quite literally falls asleep right after, and sleeps for enough hours to feel pretty well rested the following day.
It’s almost too good to be true.
Almost. Because at the end of the day, his mind is always there to remind him that this is temporary, that Taehyung will eventually get tired of having sex with the same person and will surely seek pleasure in someone else. Taehyung has rarely been a monogamous person to begin with, and Jungkook still doesn’t comprehend why the older is even so attracted to him considering he could have anyone he wanted. So yeah, he knows it’s only a matter of time before he leaves and Jungkook is left hungrier and thirstier than ever before, his feelings bursting from the inside out.
The more you taste after all, the more you crave for. But he’ll take it, for as long as it may last. He knew from the moment he suggested this that these were the rules, and even if they hurt him, he’d rather have this than not have Taehyung at all. It’s also nice not seeing him going on dates every night and staying with him instead. It makes him feel wanted and...special.
“How come you haven’t called at all this week?” Yoongi asks him later that week on the phone. Taehyung is out with some friends so Jungkook decided to call the older and chat for a bit, but he never thought Yoongi would’ve noticed the lack of calls, let alone mention them.
“Oh uh...nothing, just slept,” he lies. There’s no way he’ll be telling him about what Taehyung and he have been doing. Yoongi would slam some sense into him and call him a masochistic fuck. He already has enough of that as it is with the voice inside his head.
“You’re hiding something.”
“Yoongi-”
“It’s fine. You don’t have to tell me. But only ‘cause you seem okay.”
“I am, I promise.”
“Okay,” the older sighs. “Now let’s talk about koalas.”
Jungkook frowns at the sudden change of subject, but still makes himself comfortable on his bed as a small yawn leaves his lips. “Koalas?”
“Yes, the chlamydia creatures.”
His eyes snap open at that, wondering if he just misheard what Yoongi said. “ What ?”
“Koalas have chlamydia,” he answers as if it were the most common thing in the world.
Jungkook is quiet for a moment, trying to process that information. He wishes Yoongi was back to talking about depressive whales instead. Actually, that’s a lie. He had nightmares about the poor whale whining into the night air, only darkness surrounding it as far as the eye can see.
“I...I did not need to know that.”
“Yes you did, now let me explain why-” he starts, and he trails off for about thirty minutes or longer about how in Australia it’s even illegal to hold koalas unless you’re trained for it, although Yoongi says it’s mostly to avoid stressing the animals and not because of the danger it might present if they pee on you. Jungkook drifts off minutes later, Yoongi’s low voice the only thing he hears as his eyes shut close and his mind finally relaxes.
He dreams of koalas, and it’s not even half bad.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
Taehyung kisses as if he were starving for Jungkook's mouth, as if his tongue wanted to taste every single crevice and seal his name deep past his lips. Jungkook lets him take, take, take. He forgets about everything whenever Taehyung kisses him, which seems like a miracle but it also makes an astounding amount of sense. After all, Jungkook's mind never quite stops talking; thoughts and memories and words and comments are constantly bombarding his waking and sleeping life. So taking a break from that, even if it's short-lived and he's always left wanting more, it's a complete blessing. But yes, it makes sense. Of course touching Taehyung would make the world stop spinning for a little bit.
It happens quickly, too. It simply takes a brush of their mouths and Jungkook's mind freezes mid-thought, only able to focus on the gentle touches of his hands, how his fingers grip any part of him they can reach, how his mouth parts and moves, how it makes him both ache and feel an endless amount of relief at the same time.
It's quiet inside his mind, but loud everywhere else.
It's been a week and a half since they started this...whatever this is, between them. And tonight Taehyung's touches seem to linger more, almost as if he wanted to ask for something but wasn't brave enough to do so. Jungkook can hear it in the way he moans his name and kisses down his neck.
"Jungkook..."
"What is it, Tae?" he asks, his breathing labored, chest visibly rising and falling.
Taehyung looks as gorgeous as usual, his hair falling a bit over his forehead. He's only wearing little make up today, some concealer and lip gloss, but he could wear nothing at all and still be the prettiest thing he’s ever seen. He's already not wearing a shirt, and the sight of his pink nipples is enough to make Jungkook want to devour him whole.
"Do you wanna...you know," he says, and once again Jungkook is shocked by the sight of a nervous, almost shy Taehyung. It's a rare sight, one he kind of loves as he watches the way his cheeks blush. Is Taehyung always a bit shy in bed, or at least during certain specific moments? Or is that just between them ?
He feels stupid for even thinking there are any things that are exclusively theirs. He's sure Taehyung treats these encounters like any others, as if he were just another person to have sex with. Not because he doesn't love Jungkook as a friend, but because Taehyung is gentle and respectful with literally everyone he meets.
"Wanna what?"
Taehyung slowly meets his eyes. "Have sex. Do you wanna have sex with me?"
Jungkook feels himself blush this time as he nods, trying not to sound too eager and clearly failing. "Y-yeah of course, yes."
The older grins at that, relief washing over his features as if he'd honestly feared for a moment Jungkook would say no. Hasn't he realized by now how his body melts like ice under the summer sun whenever he just as much as touches him?
"How do you wanna do this?"
“Uh...naked?”
Taehyung tries to keep a serious face, but the corners of his mouth twitch in laughter before he clarifies, “Yes, I meant more like who tops…”
“Oh.”
He must think Jimin was lying and he’s actually a virgin judging by how awkward and stupid he’s acting. He takes a deep breath, wills himself to get his shit together.
He remembers being sore the morning after they had sex for the first time so he says, "Last time you..."
"Yeah, 'cause you wanted that but I don't mind either way-” he shrugs. He’s a bit surprised that he asked for that, but then again he does tend to get slightly needy when he’s drunk. Jungkook has already made up his mind now though, has had countless wet dreams about every single thing he wants to do to Taehyung.
"I want to fuck you," he blurts out, cutting Taehyung mid-sentence and watching as his pretty eyes widen. He doesn't even know where that just came from, how he boldly just asked for what he wanted even though he usually...never does that. "I mean, i-if you want, too," he adds just in case.
Taehyung nods just as eagerly as Jungkook nodded before and leans into his body to kiss him. "Yes, fuck. I do."
It's a rush, they don't go slow, because why would they? There's a difference between having sex and making love, despite how cliché it may sound. You make love to someone you're in love with. You have sex with someone you're attracted to. This is sex, purely carnal and filled with lust. Jungkook doesn't mind either way, as he watches Taehyung undress himself in a hurry. He follows suit, taking off his shirt and jeans and underwear, no longer embarrassed considering his friend has seen him naked and had his cock inside his mouth pretty much every day by now.
Taehyung almost jumps over his body, legs wrapping around his waist, hands tangling in his hair as he kisses him with both tongue and teeth. It's harsh and hot and wet and Jungkook loves every minute of it. He can feel Taehyung's own erection brushing against his own and it's borderline overwhelming. He's been getting better at not coming within two minutes of the older touching him, but he's sure he won't last long once he gets to be inside him. He's imagined this way too many times for it to be any different.
"I'm already kinda loose," Taehyung confesses. Jungkook isn't sure if that means he's been fucking other people or using his toys, but he tries not to think about it too much. Taehyung can do whatever he wants after all, they aren't exclusive. He wanted no strings attached sex, and that's exactly what he'll give him. Even if it breaks his heart a little bit...a lot.
"Let me do it just in case though," he whispers, and the older nods as he reaches for the bottle of lube and condoms he keeps on the bedside drawer. Jungkook hates that his hands are shaking a bit as he lubes up two fingers.
"Shh, calm down," the older murmurs after having noticed this. Jungkook flushes as he nods, looking away and already snaking his wet hand around Taehyung. He feels him part his legs for him, expose more of his ass to grant him easier access to his entrance. Jungkook brushes the pad of his fingers over the rim, both feels and hears Taehyung whimpering against him. He teases the puckered hole, pressing without applying enough pressure to actually push inside. It seems to drive Taehyung to the edge of insanity, the words "Fill me up, please-" coming out of his mouth in a frantic rush.
Jungkook curses under his breath. As much as he’d like to torture him until he was reduced to nothing but a crying mess, he’s desperate to fuck him too. He presses one finger inside, the tight heat he encounters making him want to be inside him as soon as possible. He starts off slow, fingering him open and evoking tiny moans from the older that go straight to his cock. He can feel it curving against his lower stomach, already leaking a bit at the tip. He's so aroused he could cry.
Taehyung isn’t doing any better judging by the desperate way in which he leans on his finger, which at least makes him feel a bit less like a loser. He begs for another finger not long after and Jungkook instantly obeys, adding a second one and speeding up his movements. He uses his free hand to squeeze Taehyung's ass, knead the meaty flesh between his fingers. He wants to eat him out, have him sit on his face and rock against his tongue. He really fucking hopes he gets to one day.
"J-Jungkook...faster, please, shit," Taehyung moans out, his hips moving in tandem with the thrusts of his fingers. The younger adds a third one, spreading him open, lube dripping past his digits and landing on the sheets beneath their naked bodies. He wasn’t lying when he said he was loose, he finds little resistance as he continues pushing deeper inside. "Ah, ngh," he sighs, body trembling, the sounds of Taehyung's whines and pants combined with the squelching of his hand inside him making Jungkook lose his mind. It’s beautifully obscene. "Fuck me, just fuck me already-"
"Okay, okay," he says, slowly sliding his fingers out one by one, Taehyung crying out as the last one makes it out.
"I'm empty-" he immediately whines, and he sounds so gone that Jungkook wants to both fuck him senseless and kiss his wet lips.
"Shh, give me a second," he answers, rushing to get the condom over his achingly hard cock. As soon as he lubes himself up, Taehyung parts his legs over it, his hand moving to push it towards his puckered hole. Jungkook feels the tip brush against his rim and groans as the older starts sliding down his cock, the tightness of his walls feeling like pure bliss. "F-fuck, Tae-"
Once Taehyung is fully seated over him, he watches him chew on his lip and only seconds later begin fucking himself, hips rising up and lowering down at a mouthwatering pace. He doesn't go slow or gentle at all, and it's clear that he's more than used to this position considering how each movement comes so naturally to him, as if his body was made to ride him.
If he thought Taehyung sucking him off was the hottest thing he'd ever seen, he really wasn't prepared for the sight of him jumping up and down his cock, his entrance swallowing him up as if it were starving for it. His body is beautiful, honeyed skin, thick thighs, perky nipples that Jungkook doesn't hesitate to sit up and lick, sucking on each at a time and swirling his tongue around them until they harden against his mouth. Taehyung's moans get louder with everything Jungkook does to him, his hands coming to his backside, helping him up and down, nails digging into the flesh and leaving marks behind.
He loves marking Taehyung up, painting him with purples and reds as if he were his own personal canvas. He always leaves an array of differently sized hickeys on his neck and down his clavicles, between his thighs, every single patch of naked skin his mouth might find. He likes to think people see him walking around campus with Jungkook's name sealed all over him, even if no one knows who those marks belong to.
"Tae, fuck. You're s-so fucking tight," he groans, his cock twitching in arousal. The tiny movement seems to push the head against Taehyung's prostate, because it's only a second later that the older lets out a wanton moan so loud that he's sure everyone in the hallway has to be able to hear them.
"R-right there baby, y-yes, just like that," Taehyung moans, wrapping his arms around Jungkook's back, leaving marks of his own as his nails scratch his skin. "Fuck, I'm close-"
"Me too, shit, shit-" Jungkook doesn't even realize he’s shifting their positions until Taehyung is suddenly laying beneath him, eyes wide in surprise and something else that makes his breath catch in his throat. The younger slams his hips in and out, chasing his orgasm, wanting nothing more than for Taehyung to reach his own climax as well. He wants him to remember this, he wants to leave him aching for more.
He lowers his mouth down until he finds Taehyung's, their kiss sloppy and wet following the erratic rhythm of Jungkook's desperate thrusts. He feels the head of his cock brush over his rim before he pushes back inside full force, making Taehyung yell out in pleasure as he comes, his cock twitching as his cum lands between both of their bodies. Jungkook watches his face contort in endless bliss, and that's enough to make him come as well, filling the condom to the brim, arms giving out underneath him. He falls over Taehyung's body, their skin sweaty and warm to the touch.
That was the best fucking sex of his life.
He hears Taehyung laugh a bit after a long moment of silence in which both of them struggle to regain their breathing. "That was the best fucking-"
"Sex of my life, yes," Jungkook finishes against his neck. He finds it hard to believe it was the best for him too, since he has much more experience than he does...but Taehyung sounds like he means it. He feels him chuckle once more, his chest shaking underneath him before his hands tangle on his hair once more and he pulls hard enough to make Jungkook raise his head and look at him.
"We should've done this sooner, baby," Taehyung mumbles, eyes heady and needy. The younger doesn't get to reply as he kisses him once again, lips wet and swollen from so much kissing yet craving for more. Always craving for more.
Jungkook can't think of the consequences, can't see the warning signs as the butterflies swarm his stomach, can’t see past the endless delight in his body.
And maybe in a few weeks he’ll realize that’s the moment where he should’ve stopped. Right before he endangered the most precious thing he had in his life.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
Every second friday of every month, Jungkook and his friends get together. It’s a bit dumb that they even have the date set considering they could meet up any day, and they usually do. But this is the only day in which everyone has to clear their schedules no matter what and make sure they have the entire night free for their get-together. It started out after Hoseok complained one day in their group chat about how hard it was to match their schedules considering they each have different majors and classes, some even working part-time, too.
Jungkook almost forgets about this friday night though (his mind is a constant, swirling mess), but Taehyung reminds him as they’re making out on his bed that very same day, Jungkook too busy working a hickey on the side of his neck to make sense of the older’s words.
“We have to l-leave in five minutes,” he hears him say. Jungkook sucks on the skin a little bit harder, feels Taehyung shudder beneath him. “Jungkook-”
He sighs as he unglues his face from the older’s body. “What?”
Taehyung rolls his eyes at his sulking and runs a hand through his hair. “We have to leave, Hoseok’s place. Remember?”
“Uh...yeah, right. Of course. Yes. I remember,” he lies. How is he supposed to remember these sorts of things when there’s a mouth pushing against his own, a mouth whose owner has him dizzy in the head and everywhere else?
“You forgot.”
“You kissed me as soon as you walked inside-”
Taehyung grins and there’s too much smugness laced there for Jungkook to ignore. “Is my mouth too much of a distraction for you, baby?”
The younger groans as he stands up, and he hates how much effort it actually requires for him to distance himself from the other male. “Shut up. I have to get changed,” he mutters out, ignoring the constant teasing in favor of not blushing more than he already has, lest he gives him even more material to mock him. He wishes he got to see more of Taehyung’s shy demeanor, the one that only comes out at rare moments, particularly when Jungkook is the one taking charge.
A sick, twisted part of him that he usually hides away, wants to reduce Taehyung to nothing but a mess of tears and choked out sobs. He thinks the older would be into that, too. But most days he’s too self-conscious to go after what he wants, scared that he might be reading things wrong and Taehyung will just go and find someone else to have sex with.
He knows he’s overthinking but it’s a habit that is extremely hard to break from, one that he doesn’t quite remember when it started. It was probably when he was five and his parents talked about having another kid, teased the idea of a younger sibling to Jungkook who craved attention and immediately told them no. The idea got trapped inside his five-year-old head for months, and he would spend copious amounts of time thinking about the possibility. At the end of the day, his mother never got pregnant and Jungkook often wonders if it was because of the tantrums he’d throw whenever any aunt or uncle asked him if he wanted a brother.
Sometimes he wishes he had one, but he also knows Yoongi is more than enough as it is.
He realizes he’s spaced out again when Taehyung comments on his jeans of choice, telling him the color compliments his pale skin. Jungkook nods as if that was his plan all along, when in reality he simply picked them up from the floor. The older knows better but doesn’t say anything else as he fixes the lip gloss on his kissed lips and tries to style his messy hair.
Jungkook loves how the older is left in shambles whenever he’s done with him.
Taehyung has a thing for holding hands, it’s one of those touchy-feely things that Jungkook got used to after months of it happening against his will. Although, that’s a bit of a lie. It might’ve technically happened without his initiative, but it was never against his will. The younger didn’t know just how much he loved intertwining his fingers with somebody else’s until Taehyung started wrapping his warm hand around his own, and the world seemed to make a little more sense from that day forward.
But things like holding hands are those habits that confuse his heart a little more than it already is. It’s hard to explain to an organ in your body that this isn’t what it thinks it is, that this is friendship, an intense, odd type of it, but friendship still. His heart gets tangled up and confused and messy and thinks there’s more to it than there actually is. Jungkook sometimes lets it because it feels good. Hope is tempting, and addicting and tastes like candy in your mouth.
So when Taehyung squeezes his hand as they walk towards Hoseok’s dorm, Jungkook’s heart skips a beat in his chest and he glances at Taehyung’s mouth for a moment and thinks, I wish I could kiss him right now.
I wish I could tell him I love him
As soon as they make it inside though, Jungkook approaches the chimney as usual and feels his hands get tingly over the flames. It almost feels like hand-holding, too.
“How’s life treating you, stranger?” Jimin’s voice asks him. He hasn’t seen him much since they went to that last frat party, which was weeks ago. He’s been actively avoiding seeing both he and Yoongi in person because he knows he wouldn’t be able to pretend there’s nothing going on with him. “Haven’t seen or heard from you in like two weeks, loser. You didn’t even come to my movie night. Why don’t you text the group chat like...ever?”
“I told you, I had homework. Also, you know I’m not always on my phone like you are,” he answers, which is true. The older rolls his eyes though, leaning against the wall by his side and crossing his thin arms over his chest.
“True, but you do reply to Taehyung’s texts,” he replies, a cheeky grin on his face, as if he didn’t already know first hand that Jungkook is in love with him.
“That’s because he lives with me,” he lies anyway.
“That makes no sense.”
“He could be texting about a, uh, fire in the dorm.”
Jimin stares at him. “A fire.”
“It could happen, leave me alone,” he grunts out, Jimin parting his lips to object or further tease him, but he doesn’t get to as Yoongi finds them and doesn’t waste a second before wrapping an arm around him.
“Leave my kid alone, Park,” he says, as if he wasn’t talking to his own boyfriend. Jungkook sticks his tongue out like a toddler who just won a dumb fight anyways, Jimin scrunching up his nose as Jungkook leans against the older’s chest.
“It’s really weird you call him your kid when he’s just a few years younger you know-”
“You call him your kid too-”
“It’s weird that both of you act as if you were his parents,” Taehyung suddenly says. Jungkook turns on Yoongi’s warm arm to see him, the older staring at the three of them from the couch. Namjoon is next to him talking to Hoseok, Seokjin somewhere ordering food on the phone.
“He is my kid,” Yoongi shrugs, tightening his hold around Jungkook protectively. The younger giggles at that, blushing just the tiniest bit. He likes it when his friends fight over him, even if they're just kidding. It makes him feel loved and special in a way his heart constantly craves for. Taehyung rolls his eyes, but he doesn't actually look upset. "You okay, Kook?" he hears Yoongi add in a whisper as the rest change the subject the moment Seokjin joins them in the living room.
"Yes, why?"
"You're hiding something, remember?"
Jungkook purses his lips. Of course Yoongi remembers. "It's a good thing I'm hiding," he says, but he isn't sure that's entirely true. Yoongi would certainly not see it that way.
The older frowns, "Then why are you hiding it in the first place?"
"Don't wanna jinx it," he lies before deciding to pull away from Yoongi's embrace, scared his friend might ask him any more questions that he won't be able to answer. He doesn't enjoy lying, he's bad at it and it always leaves a bitter taste on the back of his throat. But he can't tell Yoongi, not yet at least. Maybe later. Maybe once he has enough arguments about how the feeling of Taehyung's mouth against his own is worth all the possible heartbreak he's allowing into his future.
They all sit on the couches around the small table in the living room, Jungkook choosing the loveseat where Seokjin is. They're all lucky both of his friends own a pretty big apartment to hold all of them, because the rest of their dorms are tiny places with little space for anyone over two people.
"Tae, I found this guy on tinder that is totally your type. I can give you his number if you want," Seokjin says then, speaking loud enough for everyone else to stop talking over the sound of his booming voice. Jungkook freezes as he stares at the older, waiting for his answer and seizing his reaction.
Taehyung is quiet for a moment before shaking his head, "Nah, I'm good."
"What? You? Good?" Hoseok laughs, clearly having taken the other's answer as some sort of joke.
"Yeah, gonna give the whole dating thing a break."
"Really? Because your neck says otherwise," Namjoon jokes, wiggling his eyebrows at him. Taehyung simply chuckles, not dignifying his teasing with a verbal answer. Jungkook hopes no one notices the rising heat on his cheeks. He's relieved though, despite the anxiety this entire conversation is providing his poor body with. Taehyung is taking an actual break from dating, which he suspected considering he hasn't seen him go on dates ever since they started...fooling around. But to hear him actually say it fills him with pride. And hope.
He's enough. It feels good.
He feels a pair of eyes on him though, and when he turns to his left he finds Jimin staring at him with wide, dark eyes. Oh fuck.
"Jungkook, can you come with me for a second?" Jimin suddenly asks, catching everyone's attention. Taehyung stares at his friend with a frown, clearly wondering what this must be about. He hopes he doesn't make any good guesses. That'd be embarrassing.
"Nah, I'm good," he says, avoiding Jimin's piercing gaze.
"I will punch you-"
Taehyung's expressive eyebrows raise to his hairline at that, scooting a bit closer to Jimin's side to shove him in the arm as he says, "Easy there, don't threaten him-"
Jimin remains unfazed though, standing up and pointing at the opposite side of the apartment. He really can be intimidating whenever he wants to be, he can see Yoongi sending a questioning glance between the two of them, but he makes no move to follow. "Jungkook. Kitchen. Now."
The younger sighs, resigned as he stands up as well and follows Jimin down the hallway, some funny whistling and whipping sounds erupting from the other guys. He can hear some actual curiosity laced in their voices as they discuss Jimin's sudden outburst, but there's no confusion in Jungkook's brain. He knows exactly what this is about.
"You and Taehyung are fucking," Jimin says and it's not a question, his body leaning against Hoseok and Seokjin's huge fridge. Jungkook used to think their living arrangement wouldn't last too long, considering either of them would probably get into a relationship and want to move with their significant other. Somehow though, that hasn't happened in over three years and it's gotten to the point he wonders if it ever will.
"Isn't that what you wanted, anyway?" he answers, knowing full well it'd be stupid to try and deny it when Jimin can see right through him.
He blinks. "I-I...yes but...I don't know now-"
"Look I'm okay-"
"I mean, Tae has to realize that he's in love with you after fucking you. I give it a month," he shrugs, and that's not what Jungkook expected to hear, but then again he isn't entirely surprised. He still finds himself doing a bit of a double take at his friend before lowering his voice, sending a glance over his shoulder even though all of his friends are too far to hear them.
"He's not -"
“But he’s so oblivious I don’t know if-” Jimin continues, and he knows the older is one to go on a tangent if no one stops him in time so he cuts him off before it happens.
“You can’t tell Yoongi.”
“What?”
“He can’t find out, Jimin. I mean it.”
Jimin bites on his lip, head shaking as he says, “He’s my boyfriend .”
“And I’m your best friend ," he reminds him, which he knows it's a shitty card to play but it’s not like he went to tell Jimin himself. He would’ve never told him if it meant asking him to lie to Yoongi. He hates hiding stuff, he really does but both of them know the older and if he were to find out...he wouldn't hesitate to intervene and try to put a stop to this even if it has nothing to do with him. That's just who he is.
Jimin audibly groans. “Ugh fuck this. Fine. But Jungkook, be careful, okay? I know you and you’re the person with the tiniest survival instinct there is-”
“I don’t think instincts have a size-"
“...and god knows you wouldn’t say shit even if you were suffering, so I hope this serves as proof that I see everything and will know if you’re suffering in silence and will make sure to punch some reason into you-” he tells him, as if Jungkook needed the reminder.
He rolls his eyes. “Okay, fine, geez. I get it. I’ll be fine.”
Jimin sighs, as if this entire conversation has drained the energy out of his tiny body. He then pulls Jungkook into a side hug, squeezing the parts he can reach before saying, “I love you, you fucking idiot."
“Nice way of showing it," he huffs. "Can we go back now?”
“Yes," he pushes him outside of the kitchen, both their bodies moving down the hallway as their friend's voices start rising in volume. Jungkook hears laughter and yelling and someone at the door the closer they get. He guesses it must be their food. It always comes stupidly fast when Seokjin is the one who calls, and they never fail to tease him about how the delivery guy clearly has the hots for him. "Also, nice hickey skills," Jimin adds then in a whisper that is too loud for Jungkook's liking, but thankfully his friends are too distracted by the arrival of their food to notice.
“Please don’t," he says, pushing Jimin away from him as he laughs and jumping on the empty spot beside Taehyung where Seokjin just was. The older smiles as soon as he sees him, leaning until his head is resting on his shoulder and his hand inevitably finds his own.
He squeezes it before asking, "What was all that about?"
He shrugs.
"Just Jimin being Jimin."
Taehyung frowns but he still lets out an amused laugh, the sound deep and pleasant to Jungkook's ears. "Whatever you say, baby."
Jungkook will never quite get sick of hearing that.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
He tells himself it was Taehyung’s fault, primarily for the amount of filthy looks he kept sending his way throughout the night. He had to force himself to look away each time, even if his gut kept telling him to just grab him, slam his body against the nearest surface and have his way with him. He couldn’t exactly follow his most primal instincts in front of his friends though, nor could he suggest them leaving earlier considering it was their monthly...meeting. Basically, the one you cannot miss unless you decide you want all of your friends to think you hate them. Or something like that.
So Jungkook had to look away, think about a thousand things that weren’t Taehyung and his salacious lips and his intense stare, because if he didn’t he would be getting a hard-on in public.
And so he blames Taehyung for how fast he drops to his knees the moment they make it past the door. It’s three a.m. and Jungkook is kinda tired, his body wishing to land on his bed and fall asleep. But he can’t bring himself to do that when he’s been getting worked up the entire night. Taehyung seems a bit surprised by the sight of Jungkook on his knees in front of him, hands gripping his thighs with need. But it’s the good sort of surprise, the one that makes him tangle up his pretty fingers through Jungkook’s soft hair and smile down at him with so much smugness it makes him melt a bit on the carpet.
“So desperate already?”
“Yes.”
Taehyung licks his lips at his straightforwardness, blinking down at him as he nods. He gives his hair a harsher tug, Jungkook parting his lips with wide eyes as he waits. There’s not a single ounce of patience left in him though, so he doesn’t wait for too long before he unzips Taehyung’s tight jeans and starts sliding them down his legs.
“Want my cock in your mouth that badly?”
“Yes,” he answers once again, no shame or hesitation as he presses his mouth against Taehyung’s groin over the thin fabric of his underwear. The older groans a bit, pushing his hips against his face and relishing at the feeling of Jungkook’s wet tongue lapping over the head of his cock. The younger wouldn’t mind getting his face full of cock for hours, but his mouth is watering at the idea of Taehyung’s warm, heavy weight on his tongue, so he doesn’t waste much time before sliding the boxers off as well.
Taehyung’s cock is incredibly pretty, like every other part of him. Pink head, smooth skin, long and thick enough for Jungkook to lick his lips in hunger.
“Go on, baby,” he whispers, leaning further against the door as if getting comfortable. “Have at it.”
Jungkook presses wet lips against the thick of his head, suckling until Taehyung starts moaning his name. He stretches his mouth wide enough to fit him, slowly but surely getting more of his cock inside. The more inches he gets past his lips, the louder Taehyung’s delicious moans get. When he looks up, he finds him already watching him, the hand on his hair helping him swallow more of it, up until the tip teases the back of his throat and brings tears to his eyes.
“So pretty for me,” Taehyung sighs. He’s so gorgeous himself, Jungkook can’t believe he gets to taste him as he begins bobbing his head, covering his teeth with his tongue and eagerly sucking on his cock. He’s never enjoyed giving head that much, but with Taehyung everything feels different. He loves it, loves how he melts beneath him, how he’s left moaning his name and canting his hips, fucking his mouth and using him to his own pleasure. “M-more, please baby. Give me more-”
Jungkook starts sucking a bit harder, with more intent, hands pressing the base of his cock as he licks over the thick vein on the side that he always loves peppering with kisses. Taehyung’s hips start moving a bit more erratically and Jungkook can tell he’s close. He can feel his own cock rubbing against his jeans, so hard he could explode. Their eyes meet and Jungkook bats his eyelashes at him, eyelids heavy with pleasure, determined to make him come. Taehyung comes down his throat almost immediately after, Jungkook sucking him through his orgasm, milking every last drop and swallowing it down.
He only needs to press one hand against his own cock one, two, three times before he’s coming himself, moaning around the cock still heavy on his tongue.
“Did you just come?”
He blinks at Taehyung, running his tongue one last time over the head before pulling it out of his mouth. He stands up on weak legs, cheeks blushing in embarrassment now that it’s over.
“Y-yeah, whatever.”
“Fuck. That’s so hot,” he says, which wasn’t the reaction Jungkook was expecting at all. He looks at him in confusion before Taehyung is pressing his mouth against his own, sliding his tongue inside and hiking one of his legs up to his waist as if trying to climb over his body. “Fuck me?” he whispers against his ear, so needy that he can feel himself already hardening once more inside his pants.
“S-shit, yes, fuck. Yes,” is all he gets to say before kissing him back, their bodies somehow falling over one of their beds.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
It's a few days later when Jungkook finds his way to their usual tree during the pretty golden hour, when the sun is melting into the sky and the moon is just about to tease its grand entrance. His body hurts a bit as he finds their empty spot and lies down against a thick root. It's the good kind of pain, as weird as that may sound. It's the sort of pain that comes from getting your mouth kissed too many times, your hair pulled a bit too tight, your back scratched and your skin marked. Taehyung is always desperate when they’re together, and sometimes Jungkook is dumb enough to feel a flare of hope deep inside his stomach. It's hard to control it, to try and push some logic into his weak heart.
It's been almost a month of this routine of theirs, and Jungkook has never been happier...or at least, it's been too long for him to remember since he's felt this sort of giddy about well... anything. Taehyung still doesn't date, and most nights they sleep together in Jungkook's bed. He's well rested, better than he has been in months.
He still isn't brave enough to kiss Taehyung when they aren't having sex or about to though, but sometimes he wonders what would happen if he did, if he threw all leftover caution to the wind and whispered a confession into his warm mouth. He's not brave enough...or rather, he's not that stupid to fuck something this good up with his feelings. He used to think he could never be more in love than he was, but each time their lips meet and his body gets all floaty inside, he thinks it runs deeper.
Jimin was right, I have no survival instinct. If I did, I would stop. If I did, I would hear the warning inside my head telling me there isn’t any possible happy ending here.
"Penny for your thoughts?"
Jungkook blinks and finds Namjoon watching him with careful eyes and a soft smile.
"I didn't hear you come," he says, sitting up a bit to face him properly. He's wearing a thick beige cardigan and big reading glasses that make him look older than he is. Sometimes he forgets that Namjoon is a book worm until he sees him holding a pile of books around campus as if they were his lunch. He finds three books lined up beside him and a small flower on a white pot. He eyes it before asking, "What's that?"
"Oh, I found it around the park. It's a daffodil."
"And you just had a pot laying around?"
"Yeah, I always have one in my bag in case this happens," Namjoon answers, frowning as if it was quite obvious. "I figured Yoongi might like to study it. I was heading over when I saw you." Jungkook wonders why Yoongi would want to study a daffodil out of all things, but then again the older is so in love with anything biology related that he might actually find it exciting. "So, a penny for your thoughts or will I have to take out my wallet and offer a dollar instead?"
Jungkook cracks a smile at the lame joke. "Just tired, that's all."
"You look contemplative."
"I guess I am, I don't know," he shrugs, pausing before asking, "How much of a survival instinct do you think you have?"
Namjoon is probably the only person you can ask literally anything to and who will not question it at all. He watches him stare off into the distance, the tree casting a shadow over his profile. He's quiet for a few moments before he turns back to the younger and replies, "I would say I have about seventy-five percent."
Jungkook nods, eyes wide. "That's...impressive. Right?"
"Is it? How much would you say you have?"
He winces.
"Like twenty-five...thirty on a good day," he chuckles but he's actually serious. He never stopped and thought about it before Jimin brought it up, but it's been stuck on his head ever since. He's never been good at taking care of himself, at leaving when things get tough, at judging a situation correctly. Or worse, he knows deep down something it's dangerous and walks right into it anyway.
"Really?"
"Yeah. I'm more of a dive head first into the pool and realize it might be empty halfway through the jump," he admits.
“Huh...I thought you were more of an overthinker”
He nods. “I am, yeah. But I guess that’s what makes me jump. To stop thinking my way out of it, you know?” he shakes his head. “I’m probably not making any sense right now.”
Namjoon smiles at that, but it's small and filled with pity. “You are. Look, people can change. The fact that you know you're like that is good enough for a start, don't you think?"
But that's the thing, Jungkook thinks. He doesn't want to change if it means he'll have to push himself away from Taehyung and the danger he might mean for his own heart.
"I guess," he says. Namjoon leans over and squeezes his shoulder reassuringly, the touch warm and comforting.
"It's gonna be okay, Kooks. You might not have a great survival instinct, but you're smart. I know you'll do what's right with whatever that's worrying you," he says, and Jungkook is glad he doesn't push him to know what's on his head. He nods and thanks his friend. At the end of the day, he's happy. He really is. His mind just tends to try and sabotage him when things are going alright, but fuck, he doesn't want to let it.
He might be jumping into an empty pool, but how can he worry when the adrenaline of the jump is so deliciously addicting?
He just needs to stop overthinking. And he knows exactly what to do to put his mind to sleep for a few hours.
Jungkook: {05:42 p.m.}
are u busy?
Tae~: {05:44 p.m.}
im at the dorm
why
Jungkook: {05:45 p.m.}
stay there
be naked
i’ll be there in 5
Tae~: {05:45 p.m.}
bold of u to assume i was wearing
any clothes
hurry up babe
Jungkook: {05:45 p.m.}
fuck
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
A few galaxies are lighting up their ceiling and Jungkook’s body feels heavy against his pillows. Taehyung is lying by his side, both of them naked, and he can feel the warmth leaving his mouth as he breathes. He watches the blue and white stars turn from lilac to purple to light pink in a matter of seconds. He’s so relaxed he could cry, especially when he feels Taehyung poking his cheek and turns to find the older watching him with a soft, sleepy smile.
“What is it?” he asks him, turning on his side.
“You looked too focused.”
“And?”
“I want attention,” he scrunches up his nose with a pout at that, his lips glistening under the lights. Jungkook looks at his mouth and wonders if kissing him right now would be allowed. It has to be, right? They’re still naked, after all. It’s not like Jungkook just came from class and saw Taehyung working on an essay wearing a particularly fluffy sweater and decided to risk it all and kiss him until his lips hurt (that almost happened two days ago but he thankfully held himself back from any further embarrassment).
Jungkook thinks about Jimin’s voice and Namjoon’s confidence on him and Yoongi’s face filling with both concern and disappointment if he were to find out--
He shuts his eyes, leans until his mouth presses against Taehyung’s velvety soft lips and feels a shiver run down his spine. Taehyung kisses him back instantly, and for a moment it’s just a soft, gentle twist of their tongues but it never quite stays like that for too long. Taehyung always wants more, because isn’t this for him just sex? There’s no love in the way he sucks on his lower lip or moans against him. All there is, is lust and arousal as he climbs over his body and presses kisses down his neck. Jungkook wraps his own arms around Taehyung’s waist and squeezes the flesh beneath his hands, his fingers trailing down until they reach his ass.
He throws his head back as a groan slips past his lips, and feels all worry abandon his mind nonetheless.
iv.
They say that we're out of control and some say we're sinners
But don't let them ruin our beautiful rhythms
Jungkook loves most of his classes. Choosing his major was the easiest thing. Of course, he did a lot of overthinking because otherwise he wouldn’t be himself, but at the end of the day it’s one of the few decisions he never once regretted. He knows he won’t be filthy rich, but he doesn’t really measure success in the amount of bills he may have on his wallet. As long as he does something that makes him happy, or that distracts him from the inner turmoil inside his mind then...that’s more than enough, it really is. Linguistics is one of those things that he could spend hours talking or reading about and still never get sick of it.
He usually doesn’t talk about it a lot with anyone because he doesn’t want to annoy people when they don't ask him any questions. And it’s not like he talks to any of his classmates. He does get to have a few conversations with Hoseok every now and then since they share some of it, but it’s not the same.
That’s why it only makes things harder when Taehyung starts making pillow talk with him. Of course, it’s not new for the older to be talkative after sex but this...it’s different. It has a hint of intimacy that wasn’t there before, despite how ironic that might sound considering they’ve been sleeping together for a month and a half. But sex is carnal, people have sex with strangers they don’t even know the name of, all the time. Talking is intimate and entails a sort of care and interest for the other person that can come off as...romantic. Even when he tries to remind himself that it isn’t, that it cannot be.
But god, it’s so hard. Jungkook knows he’s doomed the very first moment it happens. They’re both laying in bed and Taehyung is sleepily playing with Jungkook’s hair. The younger is on his phone, scrolling through twitter and trying to filter out the disgusting parts of it. It’s a struggle.
And that’s when Taehyung suddenly says, “Tell me something about linguistics.”
Jungkook literally drops his phone on his chest at that. “Huh?”
“Linguistics. You know, your major.”
“I know my major,” he scoffs.
Taehyung sits up, his naked chest making it a bit harder for him to focus. “You never talk about it. Tell me something. What are you working on right now? Your favorite class? A teacher you hate? I don’t know. Anything,” he shrugs.
Jungkook narrows his eyes, tries to see something through those questions, but all he finds is genuine curiosity. It’s not like Taehyung has ever been careless about the stuff he’s into but this sudden outburst of questions has certainly never happened before. He would remember.
He wants to ask why, what compelled him to ask him this, but he also realizes that Taehyung seems so nonchalant about the whole thing that he must be reading too much into it.
Head first into the pool, remember?
So he shuts his eyes, lets himself go a little bit and simply... talks. It’s easy to talk about something you’re so passionate about, the words kinda spill past his lips against his better judgment. It’s especially easier when Taehyung is such a good listener, always has been. He’s the sort of person who actually listens and adds follow-up questions and comments about what you say, not like others who just ask and lose interest one minute into the conversation. He truly cares. And he seems even fascinated when Jungkook gets a bit excited halfway through and starts telling him about Evan's case he studied in his forensic linguistics class.
“It was the neighbour all along?” Taehyung asks, a tiny gasp escaping his mouth.
“Yes, after they studied the differences in his speech patterns, it was quite obvious Evans was innocent. Isn’t it crazy?”
Taehyung grins with a nod, and as he lies back down on the pillow by his side, Jungkook frowns at the unreadable gaze within his eyes and asks, “What is it?”
He shakes his head, silly smile still on. “Nothing. It’s just so cute how much you love all of this...I’m really happy you’re enjoying your major so much, you deserve it,” he confesses, and it’s something small, maybe enough for Taehyung not to realize the effect it has on him, but it warms his heart so much it feels like someone just ignited a fire right there between his ribs.
And it keeps happening, too. Pretty much every time they find their way to each other’s bed, after the sex has changed the colors of their skin and exhausted both of their bodies. And Jungkook is always tired, yet always ready to talk because how can he not be? He asks Taehyung questions too, not ashamed as he used to be, afraid the older may see through the cracks of his pretense and realize his curiosity stems from a place way beyond friendship.
He’s so far gone by now that he knows there’s no way back, not after his mouth has traced every part of Taehyung’s body, not when his hands have memorized the spots that make him whimper the most and cry the loudest.
He hardly cares though, because if all he gets from Taehyung is this, it’s more than he ever thought he would get and he takes it gladly. Even if it might hurt some days, mostly when his mouth aches when he forces it to hold back words that could expose his actual feelings. Even so.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
When Jungkook was thirteen, he came out to his parents. It was easy, because his mom’s gentle eyes and his dad’s warm hands were always there for him when he needed them. Being an only child is extremely lonely, but it also means he got lots of attention from his parents. He truly can’t complain, he had one of the most average yet happy childhoods a kid could ever have, and that’s why it makes it oh so unnerving that despite that, his mind still found ways to fuck him up.
Still, coming out was easy and nice and encouraging. But it made it even harder to understand when his high school classmates weren’t that...accepting. Jungkook was naive and young and thought that after his parents took his homosexuality in stride, everyone else would as well. Of course, he was wrong and got bullied for an entire year before his parents found out and decided the best would be for him to change schools.
Jungkook didn’t go around saying he was gay ever again, and so he was never in a relationship, and didn’t sleep with a guy until college. Jimin was actually the first person he confided in, but because the older was already gay too and he made everything seem much...easier, and normal. It was as if finding someone from his own breed after years of feeling like an outcast.
That’s why Jungkook is not at all used to bumping into someone you’ve slept with before, because this has literally never occurred to him. It’s a bit sad considering he’s in his twenties, but he doesn’t mind it that much.
So when he quite literally stumbles upon Juwon, the guy he slept with only months ago, as he’s walking down the hallway... he thinks he might die from embarrassment. It’s not like Jungkook left him in the middle of the night or was mean to him, but he thinks he might’ve kinda ghosted a few of his later texts that implied going on a date.
He hopes the guy won’t recognize him, but of course his eyes widen before a smile spreads across his face and he says, “Jungkook, was it?”
He nods. “Y-yeah, hey.”
“Sorry, didn’t mean to bump into you. I was in a bit of a rush-”
“Oh, it’s okay. It was nice seeing you-” he says, not being subtle about how badly he wants to leave. Hoseok texted their group chat saying he and Taehyung were by the cafeteria and that if anyone wanted to join them, he’d be paying for their coffee. Jungkook isn’t that cheap to rush just for that reason though...okay, maybe a tad bit cheap.
Juwon doesn’t seem to get the hint though, getting on his way as he asks, “Are you and Hobi still friends?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“Nice,” he grins, his smile slightly crooked on his face. Jungkook doesn’t think he’s an unattractive guy, he has nice big eyes that are incredibly expressive and his hair is a mix between auburn and blonde. It’s an odd combination but it doesn’t look bad on him. Still, Jungkook is not into him at all, can barely remember having sex with him. “I liked that guy. Kinda stopped talking after the summer, though. Is his number still the same?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Is yours?” he adds, words coming out tentatively out of his mouth. Jungkook must be blushing and looking like he wants to be anywhere but here because Juwon adds, “I mean, if you’d like we could uh, talk. Or something. Somewhere.”
“Yeah, sure,” he blurts out, internally facepalming because he can’t believe he just agreed when that was the last thing he wanted to do. But what was he supposed to say? The guy looks like a deer caught in headlights and clearly cannot take a hint.
Juwon’s lips stretch into a big smile, all previous weariness fading from his face. “Really? Awesome, I’ll text you. It was great seeing you again, Jungkook,” he grins before squeezing his shoulder and walking away. Jungkook gapes at his retreating figure wondering what exactly he just agreed to and why the hell that guy still has his number after so long.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
Jungkook spots his friends quite easily considering both Hoseok’s bright orange mop of hair and Taehyung’s blue bomber jacket are pretty easy to find amongst a crowd. Taehyung instantly pushes a caramel macchiato his way, and Jungkook’s mouth waters at the very sight of it. It’s his favorite. Before he gets to thank him though, Hoseok slams a hand on the table like a mad man and says, “Saw you with Juwon!”
Jungkook drops the hand that was about to bring the warm drink to his mouth. “What?”
“I was on my way here and saw you two talking! Did he ask you out?”
“I…”
“Who’s Juwon?” Taehyung asks, and Jungkook has never wanted for the earth to swallow him up more than he does now. He knows he shouldn’t be embarrassed, but he definitely is. He shakes his head, ready to change the subject because this seems extremely uncomfortable but of course, Hoseok doesn’t notice any change in his demeanor and simply keeps talking.
“The guy Jungkookie slept with months ago. So, he asked you out, huh?” he inquires, eyebrows wiggling suggestively.
“I mean, kinda but-” he sighs, not being able to explain as his friend excitedly claps his hands.
“This is great! Please tell me you said yes, that guy’s great for you!”
He stares at Hoseok’s happy expression and wonders why he’s so relieved at the idea of Jungkook finding a boyfriend. Does he look that miserable? And why is Juwon great for him? He doesn’t remember that well but he’s pretty sure the guy was a Law major and had pretty much nothing in common with him.
“I think I did but honestly-”
“Yay! Okay, this is perfect. I actually have class now but I’ll text you to discuss outfits-”
Jungkook frowns. “You were the one who texted us to come here.”
“Yes but I forgot I had class,” he shrugs. “And anyway, no one was available but you two so...have fun without me. I’ll call you!”
“Hoseok I don’t think-” he begins, but again the older doesn’t hear him out as he presses a loud kiss on his cheek and walks away, waving at Taehyung goodbye as he goes. Jungkook slowly turns back around to face the older. “Gosh, he didn’t even let me speak,” he chuckles, but Taehyung’s attention seems to reside on his phone. His eyes are focused on the screen and his lips are tightened at the corners. Jungkook kinda hopes he didn’t just witness that whole thing but he can’t be too sure since he wasn’t looking. “What are you doing?”
“Texting,” he answers, but doesn’t even spare him a glance as his fingers continue aggressively tapping on the device.
“Okay…” he trails off, waiting for Taehyung to be done to speak again. It takes a few more minutes, which is a lot to simply stare at someone on their phone and fiddle with the paper cup in front of you, but when Taehyung is done he simply locks his phone once again and looks up, a big grin on his face. Jungkook wonders if he misread his previous expression.
“So, a date, huh?” he teases him, which means he was listening and Jungkook feels his heart plummeting to the ground at the cheeky expression on his face. What were you expecting? For him to give a shit? Before he gets to reply though, Taehyung cocks his head to the side and chews on his lower lip before adding, “Seojoon has been bugging me to go out for weeks, maybe we could do a double date.”
Jungkook freezes.
“What.”
“No need to look so disgusted,” Taehyung pouts, and it shouldn’t be fair how pretty he looks, especially when Jungkook is feeling quite broken right now. His beauty makes his wounds burn even harder. “Seojoon is nice.”
He would laugh if his body was capable of such a thing right now. Seojoon being nice or not is far from being the issue. “A double date,” he repeats as he looks down at the steam coming from his coffee, the words tasting bitter everywhere in his body. Suddenly, his macchiato doesn’t seem all that appetizing as his stomach twists into painful knots.
“Yeah, it could be fun. I know you haven’t been on dates since forever so this might help,” he says, voice encouraging and collected and everything Jungkook isn’t. Nothing ever seems to really get to Taehyung, while Jungkook seems to be affected by even the tiniest pebble in his path. “He must be special,” he adds in a whisper, this time making the younger look up until their eyes meet.
“Yes, really special,” he answers, but his voice and face are both blank. Taehyung stares back at him and for a moment Jungkook thinks he sees a crack in his peaceful bearing, but as usual the older just blinks and smiles and it’s gone.
“Okay, great. I have to go meet Jimin but we’ll talk later tonight, yes?” he asks as he stands up. Jungkook would tell him that he isn’t quite sure why either of them called him out here if they weren’t planning on staying, but he really doesn’t want to be around Taehyung right now anyway.
“Sure.”
“See you,” Taehyung smiles, but before he leaves he does something he has never done before and that’s even weirder to do right now considering the palpable tension in the air; he leans over and kisses him. Jungkook feels his heart rise from the ground and climb its way to his throat as Taehyung pushes his tongue inside his mouth without wasting a second longer and tightens his hold around his neck before letting go completely.
He stares at him with wide eyes, licking his lips and tasting chocolate, Taehyung’s favorite drink. He watches the older wink at him before walking away, as if he didn’t just kiss him in public. He looks around but of course, no one is paying them any attention.
Jungkook’s chest feels just as tight as his stomach, his mind both screaming into the abyss and finding it hard to speak all at once. Taehyung just agreed to go on a date with someone else, suggested they made it a double one even though they’ve been sleeping together for over a month now.
And then he proceeded to kiss him as if they were way more than just that.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
His mother calls him later that night, as Jungkook is sitting on a cold bench and replaying the conversation he had with Taehyung earlier that afternoon. He knows he’s probably back in their dorm by now, but he’s kinda delaying the return. The last thing he wants is to hear Taehyung talking excitedly about going on another date. Jungkook knew he’d get tired of him eventually, that he’d want to have sex with other people again...he just didn’t expect it to happen so soon.
He’s not ready to let go. Not even a little bit.
His phone rings and his mother’s soothing voice booms out of his cellphone as soon as he picks up the call, and for a moment Jungkook is back in his childhood bed with his mom reading him his favorite book.
“Darling, I meant to call yesterday but work has been incredibly hectic. How are you?” she asks. Jungkook can hear the jazz music in the background, his father’s favorite. He’s so nostalgic he could cry.
“I’m okay,” he says, but he’s so used to those words by now that they usually come out without him even planning them to. He knows his mom can tell if anything is wrong, so he quickly clears his throat and adds, “How are you and dad?”
“We’re alright, your father just found this nice little store downtown where they sell a lot of records. He bought a dozen and has been listening to them non-stop for the past three days,” she laughs, and Jungkook is sure anyone would be more than pent up with his dad’s obsession with music, but she’s not. His mom is anything if not patient and understanding and completely in love with his father. He often wonders how they do it, how they manage to love each other so fiercely even after thirty years.
“Ah, yeah I can hear the music.”
“Yes, it’s a nice song, nice for when I’m cooking, too,” she giggles. She pauses then and asks him to wait for a second, in which Jungkook can hear her moving from the room she was previously in as the music slowly fades until he’s no longer able to hear it. He hears a door shutting behind her before she leans back into the phone and says, “Sweetie, you sound...sad. Is everything okay?”
Jungkook feels tears stinging the back of his eyes. He refuses to cry about this, though. Not yet, not yet.
“I…” he sighs, voice cracking just the tiniest bit. There’s a tight knot settled on his throat and if he says anything else he might actually cry.
His mother sighs on the other end. “Oh, Jungkook...I know you hate talking about your...feelings and whatever things bother you but I do hope there’s someone in that big university of yours that you can talk to,” she says, her voice laced with concern. “Like Jimin or...oh, I remember that handsome boy you always talked about, Taehyung, was it?” Jungkook lets out a pitiful sound at that which makes his mother click her tongue against the roof of her mouth. “Is it him? Did you two fight?”
“N-no...not really. Just...uh, I think I,” he sighs. “I think I made a few bad decisions.”
“That’s okay, we all make mistakes, darling. Is it something really hard to fix?”
He winces and looks up at the stars lining up the sky. “Yes...I’m afraid it is.”
His mother hums under her breath and Jungkook shuts his eyes. If he focuses hard enough, he’s in that room, and nothing can harm him, not really. Not when there’s a book with drawings his chubby fingers can reach, when there are pastel colors that resemble the sunset and his mom’s hands running up and down his back.
“Do you remember back when you were sixteen, and you felt like the world was ending when Jimin said he might transfer to a different school?” his mother questions then. Jungkook does remember. Jimin’s older brother had to move to a different city for his university and his parents considered the possibility of all of them going with him. They decided not to since Jimin’s dad needed to stay to keep his job, but for a few weeks Jungkook thought he might lose him and...he was terrified. “Do you remember what I told you?”
“Yeah,” he nods even though she can’t see him. It’s been years but he remembers it as if it had been yesterday. “You told me that...that sometimes there was a storm inside my mind but if I looked outside the window I’d realize that it was...sunny out there.”
“Yes, because you were always too scared to really check, weren’t you?” she continues. “You were always so sure that nothing had a solution, that every problem you faced was unfixable and meant the absolute worst. But it was rarely the case, and I’m sure that if you looked out the window now, you could see sunlight pouring in, too.”
Jungkook smiles at that, blinking at the clear night sky and relaxing against the bench. “I love you, mom.”
He can hear her smile even through the hundreds of miles that separate them as she says, “I love you more, darling. I promise it’s going to be okay.”
And Jungkook believes her, because his mother is always right.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
Thankfully, Taehyung isn’t there when Jungkook returns and he falls asleep before he is, so he doesn’t see him until the next day. He really hates waking up to a text from Juwon asking him out though. He already wasn’t excited about going on a date with him and was planning on cancelling but now that Taehyung suggested the double date...how is he supposed to get out of that? He hopes the older forgets about his suggestion, but luck is hardly ever on his side so he isn’t taken aback when the first thing Taehyung says when he sees him later that day is,
“Seojoon is free tomorrow night, you should ask Jaehyun.”
Jungkook drops his bag on his bed and feels his bad mood returning at the speed of lightning. “It’s Juwon.”
Taehyung shrugs as he continues putting on lipstick on the mirror by their desk. “Yeah, that guy.”
He clears his throat, pacing a bit around the room before he gets the guts to say what he’s been thinking ever since Taehyung first suggested this. “I...I’m not sure this whole double date thing is such a good idea.”
His friend turns around at that, putting his lipstick down. His lips are pink and glossy and look so tempting that he has to force himself to look anywhere but his mouth. “Why not? You’d rather be by yourself?” he asks, and there’s something about the slight clenching of his jaw that tells Jungkook he isn’t entirely into that idea.
He frowns. “It’s just kinda weird, that’s all.”
Taehyung laughs. “What’s weird about two friends going on a double date?”
Friends . Is that really all he is to him? A friend? Jungkook kinda wants to ask him exactly that, ask him if friends are supposed to sleep together, kiss each other, know how the other one tastes . Is that really what friends fucking do? Because I haven’t thought of you as a friend for way too long now.
“You’re right. Nothing weird about that,” he grunts out.
Taehyung makes a sound of confusion as he leans against his desk, arms crossing over his chest. “Are you mad at me, baby?”
Don’t call me that.
Instead of replying though, Jungkook strides until he reaches him and pushes his body against the desk behind him, taking him by the neck and pressing their mouths together. Taehyung gasps against his lips but whatever he tries to say gets swallowed down by Jungkook’s mouth. The older turns to putty in his hands and he doesn’t hesitate before kissing him back.
He wishes he could tell him how he feels, how he wants him and no one else, how he doesn’t want to go on a fucking double date and watch Seojoon or anyone touching him. But he can’t. All he can do is trail kisses down his neck until Taehyung is moaning his name, suck a hickey on the tender skin there, bite his earlobe, cup his ass with his hands and whisper in his ear, “Wanna fuck you.”
“Y-yes, yes please-”
“Turn around,” he says and Taehyung looks beautiful with his flushing cheeks as he immediately does as he’s told, leaning against the desk. Jungkook can see their reflections on the mirror, how his hands move to unzip Taehyung’s jeans and slide them down his legs alongside his underwear, how he unbuttons his own pants and feels his throbbing cock twitch as he presses it against him.
“I-I’m lose already...h-had a vibrator inside all morning-”
His hold tightens. “What?”
“I-I was horny.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks, running his tongue down his lip as he continues massaging the delicious flesh of his ass.
Taehyung whines. “You were sleeping…”
“I think waking up to you riding my cock would be quite a nice view,” he says and it’s happening again, Taehyung getting shy and stuttering words out and Jungkook feeling a spark of dominance running down his spine as he puts on a condom and slathers lube up and down his cock. He’s glad they have those everywhere by now. “You sure you’re loose enough?”
Taehyung whines as his hands look for leverage on the desk, fingers gripping the wood until his knuckles turn white. “Yes please just fuck me-”
Jungkook doesn’t need to be told twice, the yearning and desperation in Taehyung’s voice enough to make him push inside his aching entrance. The slide is surprisingly easy but the older did say he had a vibrator on for hours. He kinda wishes he could’ve seen that, but having the opportunity to watch every shift in Taehyung’s expression through the reflection in the mirror as he pushes more inches inside, is enough to make him forget about everything else.
Or, almost everything. He still remembers the double date and Seojoon’s stupid name as he starts thrusting in and out of him, his hips moving vigorously while his hands angrily hold onto Taehyung’s backside.
“F-fuck, shit, yes….just like that baby, c-come on,” Taehyung moans, enjoying every second of it, every harsh tug, every breath that gets taken right out of his lungs. Jungkook muffles his groans into the crevice of Taehyung’s neck, bites the skin there until it evokes yet another moan of pleasure from the other. “Go h-harder.”
Jungkook licks over the mark he just left on his skin and immediately speeds up his thrusts, the tight heat of Taehyung feeling like the most delicious thing he’s ever tasted. He watches him throw his head back in absolute bliss as his cock finds that special spot that makes him visibly tremble beneath him. Jungkook wants him to remember this, this right here, the way he digs his nails into his skin, how their eyes meet in the mirror and Taehyung moves his hips trying to meet each of his thrusts, wanting him to go even deeper. He wants him to remember that no one can make him moan this loud, lose himself this badly.
“Tell me, tell me how much you love it,” Jungkook whispers out, one hand coming down to slap Taehyung’s right asscheek, making him scream, fingers almost slipping from the desk, knees shaking. He can barely hold himself together anymore.
“I-I love it, fuck I’m so close...don’t stop,” he gasps, the younger slapping him once more, watching the skin turn red and warm under his touch. He snaps his hips a few more times, his own orgasm approaching and making his cock twitch inside. His hand moves out of its own accord as it caresses Taehyung’s waist until it finds his hair and his fingers tangle up with the soft strands, pulling there until his back meets his chest.
“Come for me, baby,” he murmurs out, and it’s probably the first time he’s used the pet name himself.
Taehyung comes instantly.
“J-Jungkook-” he moans, and the sight is enough to make him follow shortly after, filling up the condom and wishing he could be filling Taehyung instead. He shuts his eyes, the tremors slowly subsiding. When he blinks them open again, he sees the older trying to regain his breathing, his eyes already staring at him through the mirror. His gaze is intense and dark and everything that Jungkook wants right now.
“That was…” Taehyung shakes his head, speechless. Jungkook pulls out, looking away because now that the heat is gone he’s kinda embarrassed by how quickly he lost himself there. “Don’t get shy now, darling,” Taehyung laughs, turning around and pecking him on the lips. “If that’s how you fuck when you’re mad then I might try to get you mad more often,” he jokes, scrunching up his nose so cutely that Jungkook wants both to kiss him again and cry.
He shakes his head. “I’m not mad, just uh..stressed, finals and all,” he lies.
“You still have finals? Thought we were all done.”
“Just...a few, anyway. I should…” he takes off the dirty condom, throws it in the bin by their bed and rushes to pull his underwear and jeans back on. Taehyung is still naked on the waist down and Jungkook is trying very hard to look at anything that isn’t him. “I have to go.”
Taehyung chuckles, but his eyes are confused as he tilts his head at him. “You just got here.”
“Yeah but uh, I forgot I had to meet up with Seokjin,” he says, which isn’t entirely a lie. He does have to get lunch with him, but they kinda agreed to meet in about two hours from now.
“Oh okay, have fun then,” Taehyung smiles, and Jungkook is incredibly relieved as he nods, grabs his phone and walks out of their dorm.
As soon as he gets to the hallway, he takes a deep breath and tries to count to ten. His therapist used to say it helps grounding people when their thoughts are running by too quickly. You’re supposed to focus on things that surround you, things you can smell or see or feel...Jungkook prefers counting numbers and focusing on that instead of whatever is bothering him at the moment. Sadly, he only makes it to five this time before cursing under his breath.
Fuck. This is a mess.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
“Care to tell me why Taehyung said you two are going on a double date tomorrow?” is what Jimin says when he spots him under the big old tree later that day. He was trying to get some reading done for a seminar he’s taking but of course, doing this here instead of at the library meant that anyone could come and interrupt him. He wouldn’t mind if it weren’t for the fact Jimin is asking about the last thing he wants to be thinking about right now.
“That’s not…” he sighs, closing the book perched on his lap as Jimin sits by his side. “I didn’t even agree.”
Jimin groans. “You know, when I said you had zero self-preservation skills I didn’t think I was entirely right...but I clearly was.”
“That’s not exactly what you said.”
“Shut up. I can’t believe you got yourself into this,” he pinches his nose. “I don’t even know why Taehyung wants a double date! He said he was done dating after you two started fucking. I don’t know what he’s thinking.”
Jungkook voices out the thought that has been stabbing at all the soft places on his body for the past few days, voice soft and guarded, “He clearly got sick of me.”
Jimin stares at him, eyes the size of saucers. “What? How does that make any sense? If that were the case, he wouldn’t still be sleeping with you, and he certainly wouldn’t invite you to one of his dates.”
It makes sense, but his brain has gotten so used to pointing fingers at him for literally anything bad that happens in his life, that he can’t bring himself to truly believe it. “How do you know we’re still sleeping together?” he asks instead.
“You’re kidding me. I can see your hickeys.”
He frowns. “They could be from someone else-”
“Sure. If your head wasn’t so far up Taehyung’s ass-”
Jungkook lets out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. “Just...let’s not talk about it.”
Jimin nods, and miraculously enough, he remains quiet for a few seconds. Of course, eventually he says, “It’s killing me having to hide this from Yoongi, by the way.”
Jungkook purses his lips. “I didn’t even tell you myself, you found out.”
“I know. Also, he’s been moping around because you no longer call him at night,” he chastises him, elbowing him on the ribs. Jungkook whines as he shoves him back, Jimin almost falling on his back.
“Really? I thought he’d be relieved.”
Relieved is probably the wrong word to use considering he knows Yoongi likes talking to him, but he honestly always thought he was a bit of a burden with his constant calling...even if the older was already awake when he did.
Jimin stares at him as if he was the stupidest creature on earth. “I think you’re blind to how much my boyfriend adores you.”
Jungkook smiles, chest warming up a little bit at that. “I love him, too. I’ll call tonight.”
“Good. Now, wanna get some food and talk about that dumb date of yours?” before he gets to reply and say that no, that’s the last thing he wants to do today or...ever, Jimin adds, “At the very least, you’ll look fucking edible and make Taehyung realize what a mistake he’s making.”
Jungkook doesn’t even bring himself to fight him on this as he rolls his eyes. “Sure, whatever.”
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
Jimin ends up choosing his outfit after all, but Jungkook is kinda glad he managed to convince him since he ends up looking better than he has in...months. He lends him a navy button-down that sticks to his body and some jeans that look as if they were designer, even styles his hair and tries talking him into wearing make up. They compromise on a bit of lipstick, but Jungkook refuses to allow him to put eyeliner on him. Jimin tells him he’ll never know the true power of a good wing or whatever that means, but Jungkook shrugs it off. He looks good, he thinks as he watches himself in his friend’s body-length mirror. He’s still incredibly awkward and slightly self-conscious but he thinks he still manages to look somewhat attractive despite these... traits.
“Not gonna lie, if you weren’t my annoying best friend I would totally hit on you in a bar.”
Jungkook flinches. “Ew. But thanks, I guess.”
There’s a knock at the door then and Jungkook feels his hands get sweaty as Jimin winks at him and rushes to get it. Taehyung said he’d be picking him up from here so they could go to the restaurant together. It was embarrassing having to say that Jimin wanted to dress him up in his dorm, but Taehyung simply laughed it off.
He’s nervous about what the older will say or think once he sees him, even if he’s supposedly getting dressed for Juwon and not him. This is all so stupid, he thinks as he overhears Jimin telling Taehyung he looks good and them laughing at a joke he cracks. Taehyung does look good, but that’s no surprise. Jungkook has never seen him look anything but gorgeous, even with messy hair and wrinkled pajamas.
He’s wearing even tighter jeans than he is, the fabric sticking to his legs and thighs so much it almost looks like it was sewed to his skin. The see-through shirt makes it hard to look at anything but the chest underneath though, revealing so much smooth skin he kinda gets lost in the desire swirling around his stomach. Combined with the pretty make up and the strands of bright silver hair falling over his forehead...fuck. Jimin was right, there’s a power within eyes with eyeliner and he can clearly see it as Taehyung looks at him, devouring him bit by bit with his gaze before approaching him.
“Jimin, you did an incredible job here,” he says. Jungkook knows Jimin is behind him but all his eyes can see right now is Taehyung. He watches him wrap his arms around him, bury his face into his neck and take a deep breath. “You smell so good, too. Shit.”
Jimin is staring at the intimate exchange with his mouth wide open from the door. It’d be funny if Jungkook wasn’t so confused himself. He never knows what to expect from Taehyung, and somehow everything he does always leaves him overwhelmed and craving for more than he can get. It’s the most blissful of tortures.
He feels Taehyung briefly press his lips against his neck before letting go of him. “I’d kiss you but I don’t wanna ruin my make up,” he giggles, clearly not caring if Jimin overhears them by now.
“You look beautiful,” he whispers, and he knows he sounds mesmerized but that’s exactly how he feels.
Taehyung blinks at him as if taken aback by the compliment himself. “Oh. Thank you.”
“Um, excuse me. Hello, yes. This is my dorm, by the way. I’m Jimin,” their friend suddenly speaks up, getting between them with alarmingly wide eyes.
Jungkook rolls his eyes.
“We know, Jimin.”
“Just saying, since it felt like no one was paying me any attention-” he scoffs.
“What a drama queen. Shall we go, babe?” Taehyung asks, already extending a hand his way. His nails are painted black, the color perfectly fitting his outfit alongside the rings decorating his fingers. If he were to focus hard enough, he could imagine this scenario going quite differently inside his head; Taehyung actually taking him on a real date, kissing him with a gentleness that hardly ever possesses him, showering him with so much affection it threatens to sink him under.
He clears his throat. “Y-yeah, let’s go.”
Before he makes a single step though, Jimin shakes his head and tells Taehyung, “Go wait outside, I need to um, fix a few details here.”
Taehyung stares between the two of them, eyes narrowing down in suspicion before retorting, “He already looks perfect.”
Jimin pinches the bridge of his nose. “Leave the premises.”
“Fine, don’t take too long. I don’t wanna be late,” he grunts out.
As soon as Taehyung is out the door, Jimin turns towards him with accusatory eyes that feel like daggers digging past his flesh. “What the fuck.”
“What did I do now?”
“I’ve never seen Taehyung be so...come on , Jungkook,” he says, urgency laced in his voice even if he has no idea what he’s talking about. The confusion must be blatantly obvious on his face because Jimin throws his hands into the air and explains, “That guy is clearly in love with you.”
Jungkook laughs at that, even though there’s no actual amusement at this cruel joke Jimin is making. He knows his best friend has remained convinced that Taehyung has been harbouring secret feelings for him for a while, but he sounds absolutely delirious right now. Jungkook frowns as Jimin continues staring at him, a mix between anger and disbelief on his face. “You’re fucking with me, right?”
“What!?”
“Ugh, whatever. I don’t have time for this,” he says, already pushing past him and heading towards the door. He hopes Taehyung didn’t hear any of that. “I need to go on the worst date of my life. Good night and thanks for this.”
He’s just about to close the door when he hears Jimin say from behind him, “Jungkook, please tell me you see it too-”
He turns his way, eyes sad when he gives him a resolute shake of his head and whispers out, “There’s nothing to see, Jimin. Sleep well.”
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
Juwon’s smile is big like a shark’s. The diner they are at is...not that nice. Jungkook thinks he might be overdressed judging by his date’s hoodie and pair of old sweatpants. Seojoon at least is wearing a nice v-cut shirt that makes him look even more handsome than he already is. He kinda wants to dump his glass of soda on his face, the motherfucker looks like a runway model, not a college student. He can’t believe Taehyung even finds him attractive when he’s had sex with people like that, people that are almost on his league. Almost.
“You like this place? I chose to come here ‘cause the burgers here are great,” Juwon says, leaning into his space as he curls an arm over the back of their booth.
“Uh yeah...it’s...nice,” he forces out as he looks around. The place is mostly empty by now, the lights overhead flickering in and out of focus every few seconds. They already ordered a little while ago but Jungkook isn’t that hungry despite having gone along with everyone and gotten a huge burger with fries.
He looks up and finds Taehyung’s eyes already on him, a question sparkling through his dark irises. He can probably tell just how uncomfortable Jungkook is. Fuck, he’s supposed to be having a good time with Juwon, not looking miserable and wishing it was just them instead. He shoots him a tiny smile trying to reassure him and Taehyung nods, but he looks hesitant as he turns back to Seojoon and grins at something the older says.
Jungkook wants to curl up on his bed and muffle a few screams into his pillow.
The burgers come a few minutes later and he’s relieved to be too busy chewing to actually speak. Juwon talks enough for the both of them anyway, telling him all about his favorite baseball team and the few classes he’s currently taking. Jungkook realizes that judging by the lack of questions directed his way, Juwon doesn’t really care about getting to know him better. This whole ‘date’ thing is probably just to get into his pants again. The idea is extremely unappealing.
“These burgers are great, aren’t they? You guys like them, too?” Juwon asks, paying attention to Taehyung and Seojoon for the first time ever since they introduced themselves to him. Juwon didn’t seem to have a problem with the whole double date thing when Jungkook suggested it yesterday, and clearly he can see why now. He pretty much acts as if they weren’t there at all, which is very rude on itself.
Jungkook is doing the same thing, but he at least has an excuse.
“Yeah, they’re okay,” Seojoon answers, but even Jungkook can tell he’s lying. They aren’t that bad, they taste the same way a typical burger would...but the fries are a bit cold and his soda has gone warm by now. And well, he didn’t really expect to be eating greasy burgers for a date, even though he couldn’t care less what they did. “The company helps, too,” he adds, winking at Taehyung who chuckles and shoves playfully at his shoulder.
They have chemistry, anyone could tell that from miles away. It’s obvious they’ve had sex, that they know each other the way only someone who has kissed you beneath your clothes would. Seojoon keeps looking at him with hungry eyes, whispering things in such a low voice that Jungkook can’t catch any of them before they slip away. He knows Jimin was right, but it still hurts to see the living proof of just how right he was, of how he keeps putting himself in these sort of shitty situations that only leave him wounded and aching all over. Does he hate himself that badly?
“Hey so, what do you say if after this we...you know?” Juwon asks then, leaning towards him once again. Jungkook almost forgot he was by his side all along, too focused on staring at the way Taehyung pops a fry into his mouth and licks his red lips right after.
“Uh? We...what?”
Juwon shrugs, making bedroom eyes at him despite them being in a public diner with two other people sitting only a table away from them. He looked so nervous back when he asked for his number in the hallway days ago that Jungkook is finding it hard to believe he’s so...bold, now. Was that back then just an act?
“Uh...I don’t think-”
“Juwon, what’s your major?” Taehyung asks then, and Jungkook turns in surprise at hearing the older asking something to his date. Jungkook can see right through the gentle smile on his face, but he knows Juwon won’t be able to tell it’s fake.
“Ah, Law.”
“Really? How interesting. Jungkook’s is Linguistics, by the way,” he adds, a bitter undertone to his words. How does Taehyung know that Juwon doesn’t even know his major?
His date at least has the decency to pretend otherwise though, nodding along with him. “Yeah, I...knew that.”
Taehyung laughs, and the sound is still so fake to his ears that it makes Jungkook stare at him in bewilderment. It’s rare for him not to like someone, especially when he barely knows the person. He doesn’t tend to judge people by their faces, but considering he’s never seen Juwon before tonight...isn’t that exactly what he’s doing? He wouldn’t be wrong though, Juwon is kind of an asshole, and that’s exactly what Taehyung seems to think as he leans back on the booth and says, “Right, you two go way back. I forgot.”
“Babe,” Seojoon chuckles in amusement, and Jungkook has to hold himself back from throwing a few fries at his stupidly attractive face.
Juwon frowns, clearly now realizing that Taehyung doesn’t seem to like him very much. “We kinda do, actually.”
Jungkook feels like laughing at that but manages to keep it in. They go way back? Is Juwon serious? They just slept one time months ago, he doesn’t even know the guy’s last name.
“Huh, interesting. I thought-”
“Hey, it doesn’t matter,” Jungkook cuts them off, because he isn’t sure what Taehyung is trying to do but the air is tense now and he kind of wants to leave. Okay, he wanted to leave as soon as they sat down in this greasy looking booth, but still.
Seojoon seems relaxed despite this, completely careless as he runs a hand through his hair, not messing a single strand before that hand somehow finds its way to Taehyung’s leg under the table. Jungkook wishes he could see exactly what he’s doing because he’s a masochistic idiot. Taehyung turns towards Seojoon, rolling his eyes away from Juwon as he smiles at the older and whispers something in his ear that makes Seojoon throw his head back in a throaty laugh.
Even his laughter is hot, what the actual fuck?
“Hey, what’s up with your friend?” Juwon asks him then. Jungkook shrugs.
“Nothing, he’s just...like that.”
“Huh.”
Jungkook thinks his appetite is long gone by now, more than half of his burger untouched on his plate. Taehyung hasn’t taken a single bite of his own, only having eaten a few fries and most of his soda. God, this is even worse than he imagined. He wants to leave. He’s wondering what sort of excuse he could come up with, his eyes getting tired of pretending to be looking at a spot beyond Taehyung when in reality he’s getting first seat tickets to Seojoon flirting with the guy he’s hopelessly in love with...and Taehyung mostly flirting back. Juwon keeps chatting his ear off about himself, clearly having moved on by now from the little awkward encounter with Taehyung.
“Anyway, I was saying we could go somewhere, just the two of us,” Juwon says next, his hand having somehow found its way to Jungkook’s nape. All he can think about is how he hasn’t washed his hands and there must be grease sticking to his fingers since he ate all of his fries and burger without once taking a single paper napkin. “What do you say, darling?”
Jungkook starts to shake his head, ready to call it a night and tell Juwon he has to catch up on some late homework, when suddenly Taehyung seems to come to his rescue yet again. He isn’t even sure how he noticed considering all he’s seen him do is stare at Seojoon for over an hour now.
“Actually, Jungkook and I will be calling it a night.”
Juwon turns back towards him and this time he doesn’t bother to hide his glare. “I think Jungkook can tell me himself if he wants to leave or not.”
That was clearly the wrong thing to say because Taehyung stands up and a smug smile makes its way to his face as he offers his hand to Jungkook and says, “Want to leave with me, baby?”
“Why are you calling him-”
“Uh, yeah. I’ll be going, too. Sorry Juwon. It was...nice,” he lies, taking Taehyung’s hand and standing up as well. He avoids Juwon’s eyes, feeling guilty even though the guy was clearly only interested in having sex with him.
“I’ll keep him company, you guys get some sleep,” Seojoon says then, surprising both Jungkook and Juwon, who seemed just about to jump at Taehyung.
“Uh...didn’t see that one coming, not gonna lie,” Taehyung jokes as they make their way outside and walk outside of the parking lot. They’re still holding hands and Jungkook wants both to pull him closer and push him away.
“Why did you do that, though?”
Taehyung sends him a confused glance. “Because he was trying to grope you and acting like a jerk since we got there?”
“I mean yeah I guess but-”
He frowns, cocking his head to the side.
“You looked extremely uncomfortable...did I read things wrong? I thought you wanted to leave.”
“I did. But you should’ve stayed with your date, you seemed to be...having fun,” he says, praying the older isn’t able to hear the pain laced through his voice.
Taehyung shrugs. “It’s just Seojoon. We hang out all the time anyway.” Jungkook nods, and as they walk out into the street, he wonders if with every step he’s stepping over his bleeding heart on the sidewalk, judging by how much it hurts past his ribcage. Does that mean Taehyung is still sleeping around? That he still goes on dates? What does ‘hanging out’ entail? “Did you really sleep with that guy?” Taehyung adds after a few minutes of silence go by.
Jungkook nods. “Yeah. It was okay,” he shrugs, even though he can hardly remember most of it and judging by how gross he finds Juwon now...it probably wasn’t a good experience at all.
Taehyung nods at that, swinging their hands between them for a few beats before humming under his breath. “Mm. I wanna go back and try something.”
“Try what?”
Taehyung licks his lips, his hand letting go of his and trailing a pattern up his body, until his fingers thread through his hair. He then leans close enough for him to get a whiff of his perfume and whispers exactly what he wants.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
Jungkook forgets everything about the awful date as his tongue is buried deep in Taehyung’s wet rim, the older’s thick thighs at either side of his face. He rides his mouth while lustful moans abandon his lips, rubbing his ass on him, hips rising and falling over him. Jungkook’s tongue laps at his entrance, groaning right before pushing past the tightness of his rim once again. His hands hold him in place, squeeze and knead the thick flesh of both asscheeks. He knows Taehyung will have marks there to last him a long time; nails and scratches and even hickeys he sucked there with an eager mouth.
“F-fuck me, yes, yes, ” Taehyung gasps, his rim twitching beneath his wet tongue. The sounds his movements evoke from the older are so delicious that he can feel his cock throbbing as it brushes against his navel. He’s been hard ever since Taehyung explicitly whispered what he wanted, had to bring himself not to fuck him right then and there, in the middle of the sidewalk for everyone to see. It was a struggle. They had to stop every now and then for Jungkook to smash him against a wall or a tree or any surface available and ravish his mouth.
As soon as they made it inside their dorm, Taehyung pulled his pants off, cock rock hard as he climbed over Jungkook’s body on the bed. The younger lost his clothes somewhere around that time, too.
He knows Taehyung is close now, that he’s holding himself back. His movements are too desperate, his thighs trembling visibly by his sides.
“You taste so good, baby,” Jungkook groans before diving back in, smearing his saliva all over Taehyung’s pretty, aching hole. It’s filthy and wet and beautiful. He loves it. Taehyung loves it as well as he spreads his legs even more than before, exposing so much of him it makes Jungkook breathless. “Come for me, come on me.”
“ Ah, ngh... yes, yes-I’m gonna come baby...f-fuck, lick me-”
Jungkook sucks on his rim, tastes the flesh in his mouth, adds just a tiny bit of teeth, enough to make Taehyung come undone in one, two, three seconds. His orgasm hits him like a truck, body coming in spasms, loud moans flying out of his mouth as he does. Jungkook licks him through it, up until Taehyung is sensitive and aching all over and begging him to stop with choked tears in his voice.
Jungkook has mercy on him and lets go, helping him lie back down on the bed. Taehyung is still shivering, his body so terribly sensitive that with every touch of his skin, he sighs. There are tears trailing down his cheeks, body flushed such a gorgeous red it makes Jungkook want to eat him whole.
“You’re so beautiful,” he whispers, kissing the side of Taehyung’s neck, right where his pulse is.
“J-Jungkook,” he whines.
“What is it?” he asks, but Taehyung doesn’t seem able to form any coherent sentences at the moment. Jungkook smiles, walking to the bathroom to look for a warm towel to clean him up with.
He could do this every day, he thinks as he returns and runs the wet cloth over Taehyung’s body, cleaning his lower stomach and the skin between his thighs, watching the goosebumps erupting wherever he touches. He then covers him with the sheets before sliding in bed next to him. It takes him a few minutes to finally blink his eyes his way, a lazy smile on his face.
“That was so...so good, baby,” he whispers.
“Yeah?”
“Yes. I…” he licks his lips. “Can I suck you off now?”
He raises his eyebrows at that. “Aren’t you tired, Tae? You should get some sleep-”
“I want to,” he says, and Jungkook is about to ask him if he’s sure but suddenly he feels the older’s hand wrapping around his hard cock, and the moan that escapes his lips is deep and low, coming right from his chore. “Fuck, you sound so good already.”
“Go on, then. Suck it,” he answers, licking his lips at the sight of Taehyung’s eager nod right before he dives under the sheets. Jungkook can’t see him anymore, but he is quick to feel something wet wrap around the head of his cock. He stares at the ceiling as he gasps out.
Fuck, he really coould do this all day.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
Jungkook wakes up to the smell of lemongrass and coconut coming from Taehyung’s body. His hair is tickling his nose, and it itches enough to stir him awake. When he blinks though, it’s to find sunlight pouring in and kissing Taehyung’s body like an old lover. It’s a beautiful sight. It’s the first time he’s woken up to Taehyung naked in his own bed, the expanse of his back exposed as the sheets pool around his waist. Jungkook kind of wants to freeze time and stay in this moment right here, as the older scrunches up his nose and tightens the hold he has around Jungkook. He’s always been clingy, both awake and asleep.
Usually Taehyung wakes up earlier than he does and is long gone when the morning comes. The few times he’s had the luxury of waking up to his body warming up the other side of the bed, Taehyung was always fully clothed. There’s an intimacy to this exact image unfolding in front of his eyes right now that makes his heart beat too quickly for these early hours.
The sadness from the previous night doesn’t take too long to return, though. One moment he’s thinking about Taehyung and the way he wants to wake him up with a gentle kiss on his lips, and the next he’s remembering the double date and Seojoon’s wandering hands and Taehyung’s flirty smile and the words he said as they were walking back to their dorm:
we always hang out.
He looks away from Taehyung’s asleep form, averting his gaze until it lands somewhere else entirely. It’s a dangerous thing, to let his heart get even more confused than it already is. Hope is like a blooming rose in the middle of a snowy field, it doesn’t follow any logic. Jungkook needs to snap out of the illusion of thinking Taehyung might someday develop feelings for him, because it’s impossible and fruitless and all he does is end up more hurt than before. It’s just hard when Jimin is constantly yelling into his ear and Taehyung behaves in ways that do little to appease his loud heart.
He takes a deep breath, conjures up as much strength as he can and forces himself to start moving away from Taehyung. It’s pointless, though. The older immediately blinks his sleepy eyes at him, confusion written all across his beautiful features before he whispers out, “Why are you moving? I’m cold.” And just like that, all of his determination crumbles down into nothingness as he lies back down and snuggles Taehyung closer to his chest. He can overthink some more later. “Mmm, that’s better. How come you smell good all the time?”
Jungkook blushes as he chuckles. “‘Cause I shower?”
“Makes sense,” he answers, and buries his face even further against his neck. This whole thing is so painfully domestic that Jungkook thinks it really is too early for his heart to be skipping these many beats. He hopes Taehyung can’t hear it. “God, I can’t believe you had to date that douche last night. You can do so much better.”
Jungkook sighs, not really enjoying being reminded of that yet again. He was just starting to forget. “He was fine, it doesn’t matter.”
Taehyung turns until their eyes meet, his jaw tightening as he answers, “It does matter, I can’t believe he didn’t even ask you a single question once.”
Jungkook shrugs, slightly confused by the anger spilling from Taehyung’s eyes. “He did ask me if I liked the place.”
The older scoffs.
“Worst burgers ever. I hated it.”
“Seojoon liked the burger.”
“He was just being nice.”
Jungkook rolls his eyes at that, eyes moving until they land on their ceiling. He kinda wishes the lights were on so he could focus on anything other than this conversation. “Yeah okay, he’s perfect and my date sucks.”
Taehyung seems baffled by his reaction as he sits up on the bed, the warmth emanating from his body suddenly fading away until all Jungkook can feel is the cold wind entering through the open window. “I didn’t mean to make you feel bad-”
He shakes his head, tells himself to stop before he says more than he should. “You didn’t, it’s fine. Just…” he looks at him. “Juwon didn’t really owe me anything. We had sex once, he wanted to do it again. I don’t really care.”
“Yeah but...he didn’t need to ask you out on a date if that’s all he wanted,” he replies, and the anger is still there, even if he looks a bit puzzled now. It makes Jungkook more upset, to see that Juwon being a bit of an ass makes Taehyung so mad. Because his heart wishes that meant he was jealous, that he didn’t like seeing Jungkook with another person the same way he felt defeat licking at his insides when Seojoon showed up. But deep down he knows that this is just wishful thinking and Taehyung only cares because he’s his best friend and it’s just such a Taehyung thing to do, to care for others this intensely.
He’s hurt and tired and he can’t even really be mad at Taehyung and that only makes him angrier. “Some people do that. I honestly don’t care. At least he was honest about what he wanted instead of leading me on for nothing,” he says, voice still clipped.
Taehyung frowns. “Uh, I guess...why are you defending him so much, anyway?”
“I’m not, just saying. I should probably text him, I mean I did kinda leave out of nowhere,” he shrugs, and he doesn’t really mean it, he doubts he’ll text him at all but the words come out anyway, as if wanting Taehyung to be mad, seeking an even bigger reaction like a fool. Why do you want to hurt this badly?
And he gets just what he wants, Taehyung’s eyes widen and his lips part as raw bewilderment paints his face a blushy red. “Are you seriously going to apologize for leaving when he was making you uncomfortable?”
“I was fine, you’re the one who wanted to leave-”
Taehyung crosses his arms over his naked chest, and if it weren’t for the sheets still tangled up between his thighs, he’d be completely exposed. “Jungkook I’ve known you for years, you were not okay with what he was doing.”
The muscles on his face get tense, and he thinks fuck, it really is to early to be feeling this much and also, how come the peacefulness that was wrapped around them during the early morning has now been ripped to pieces in a couple of minutes? He feels his chest getting tight, chin jutting forward as he points a finger his way and asks, “Why were you so focused on me, anyway? Weren’t you on a date, too?”
Taehyung opens his mouth to speak but no words come out. He darts his eyes away from him, and Jungkook waits for him to talk but the older doesn’t seem to know what to say for a moment as he pauses. He’s not used to fighting with Taehyung, or with anyone, really. Jungkook usually keeps his feelings buried beneath thick layers of pretense, the walls he’s carefully built around himself to feel safe are too thick and old for him or anyone to dare breaking in. But every now and then, it happens. Sometimes the dam breaks and so much water starts spilling out that he’s not able to make it stop...sometimes, he doesn’t even really want to. Like now.
Finally, he shakes his head, voice soft and a bit defeated as he answers, “You’re my best friend, I was just making sure you were feeling okay. Wasn’t that the whole point of me being there?”
Jungkook laughs at that, but it comes out just as bitter as he feels. “You’re the one who suggested it, I never asked you to be there.”
He can see the hurt in Taehyung’s eyes and kinda wants to take it back, but he doesn’t.
“You could’ve said no if you didn’t want me there.”
Jungkook closes his eyes. There’s no point in any of this, he knows that. As angry as he may be, as bruised as his heart feels, he can’t really blame Taehyung for any of it. He brought this upon himself the day he kissed him back, the day he decided it didn’t matter if he got hurt as long as he got a taste of what he has wanted for so long. This is the price to pay, and he knew that. He doesn’t really regret it, but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.
“Look, it’s whatever. I don’t even know what we’re fighting about,” he says, even if he does. Taehyung probably doesn’t, though.
“Me either! If you want to text him, go ahead. I just hope someday you realize you deserve someone who actually cares about you,” he says, the fondness returning to his dark gaze as he looks at him.
“Maybe I just want to fuck around,” he shrugs, the lie spilling out so easily it almost frightens him.
Taehyung leans a bit away from him, and Jungkook thinks yes, there’s shock and something akin to pain in his eyes and maybe that means-
“You want that?”
He raises a single eyebrow at him, voice challenging as he asks, “What if I do?”
Tell me you don’t want me to. Tell me you want me all to yourself. Tell me these past few weeks have meant more to you than just sex. Tell me you love me back-
All Taehyung does is look away, turning his back on him as he scrambles to get his underwear back on. “You can do whatever you want,” he says, and there’s something lingering in those words, a tone that Jungkook wishes so badly he could read. Sometimes it feels as if Taehyung speaks an entirely different language. He stares at his back, watches him get dressed with quick hands and even quicker legs. “I should go. I have class,” is all he says before getting inside the bathroom with his make up bag.
Jungkook hears the door locking and stares at the empty spot beside him on the bed, the wrinkled sheets, the smell of his shampoo lingering on his pillow.
He’s a fool.
v.
When we fight, we fight like lions
“Pandas. I love pandas,” Yoongi whispers into the phone, voice so filled with awe that it paints a silly smile on Jungkook’s face. He’s missed this, their calls. As soon as Jimin told him that the older missed them too, he didn’t hesitate to start calling pretty much every night again. Even if Taehyung was there by his side, having Yoongi tell him about the latest discovery he’s stumbled upon makes him feel all sorts of safe and soft inside. He particularly needs it now, not having talked to Taehyung at all ever since earlier this morning. He hasn’t seen him, but they usually text each other throughout the day and...he doesn’t know if the older is upset or if Jungkook himself is upset. He’s just really fucking confused.
“What makes these pandas in particular so special?” he inquires, tilting his head into the pillow and relishing in the warmth it brings him. The weather is getting colder outside as Winter is just around the corner. Despite having a complete devotion to winter, he still prefers it when he’s buried beneath thick blankets, socks warming up his frozen toes.
“Not much, but these are red pandas,” the older clarifies.
“Oh yeah, I saw a few pics of those. They’re cute.”
“Well, duh. They’re pandas,” Yoongi says and Jungkook chuckles because yes, he’s right.
“Anyway, have you ever heard of the ‘red panda effect’?”
Jungkook snorts. “You know I haven’t.”
“Basically, red pandas have a thing for escaping from places. They love climbing up trees and pretty much any other thing they might be able to climb...it quite literally helps them avoid depression.”
“Wow. If only it was that easy for humans,” Jungkook jokes.
“Yeah, I know right? So the first panda that publicly escaped from a zoo was around the eighties in Holland. They found him dead sadly, only weeks later. But people kept calling the zoo saying they saw a red panda wandering about for months. It was impossible since they were rare and no other had escaped, but people were expecting to see one after the case got all over the media so...yeah, that’s the effect,” he finishes. “You expect to see something so you think it’s there when it’s not.”
“Oh that’s…” he purses his lips. That sounds a lot like him expecting to see all these signs that show Taehyung loves him back when in reality…Christ, Taehyung is his red panda. “Interesting.”
“Extremely. Like I said, I fucking love pandas,” he says and Jungkook can hear the smile on his voice. “Not exactly loving writing my thesis, though,” he adds, the sound now bitter to his ears.
Jungkook glances around the room, briefly wondering where Taehyung is. He knows his schedule well enough to know he’s been out of class for at least three hours now. He knows the older doesn’t owe him any sort of explanations but he can’t shake the feeling that his absence might be due to their fight earlier today.
“I still have no idea how you do it,” he answers then, forcing himself to stop thinking about Taehyung. “Or what you’re writing about since every day you have something different to tell me.”
“It’s a long story. But, enough of that. How are you doing? I heard you went on a double date with...Taehyung,” he asks, and the way he says the older’s name makes Jungkook want to bury his face in the pillow beneath his head and stay like that for the rest of the night.
He sighs.
“Jimin?”
“Yeah.”
Of course. He didn’t exactly tell Jimin not to tell Yoongi about that. He should’ve seen that one coming. “It was fine, we left early,” he says, which isn’t entirely a lie. Even if Yoongi knew about their...thing, he still wouldn’t tell him about how he ate Taehyung out until he cried.
Yoongi is quiet for a moment that stretches around them like rope before saying, “I know you’re hiding stuff from me. And that Jimin knows.”
Jungkook shuts his eyes. At least he doesn’t sound angry or upset. “How do you-”
“I know you. And my boyfriend. You two are the least subtle creatures to grace this earth,” he snickers. “But I trust you both so, it’s okay if you don’t want to tell me. Just...please, be careful. Whatever you’re doing.”
“Thank you. And I am,” again, that’s a lie. He’s never careful, not even when he’s trying to be...although, he hasn’t exactly been making any efforts whatsoever. “We’re okay.”
“Are you, though?”
Jungkook thinks Yoongi might know more than he lets on. He sighs.
“I just want to be his priority, you know? I want to be someone’s...number one,” he whispers, and it’s painful to put it out there, to say it out loud. Things are easier to deal with when he can pretend they’re just a figment of his own cruel mind, that he doesn’t actually feel that way. But he does and it hurts.
“Jungkook…”
“I know, I know. I’m sure I’ll...find someone, eventually.”
But they won’t be Taehyung, will they?
Yoongi sighs and for a moment it feels as if he were right there by his side when he says in a gentle, warm voice, “You deserve so much more than you allow yourself to have.”
Jungkook blinks the wetness out of his eyes. “Yeah. People keep saying that.”
“Then maybe listen for once?” he answers, but the younger thankfully doesn’t get to reply as he hears Jimin’s voice coming from the other end and then Yoongi turning his attention back on him, “Look, I have to hang up, food’s here. I’ll see you tomorrow, though? For lunch?”
He nods. “Yes, I’ll be there. Goodnight, Yoongi.”
“Goodnight, kid. Take care,” Yoongi says, and as Jungkook ends the call he wonders why he’s convinced himself for so long that he is undeserving of love.
Taehyung arrives an hour later, when Jungkook is halfway through an awful romantic movie that, despite having an awful cast and extremely cringey dialogues, still manages to bring tears to his eyes when the main lead goes off about how in love she is. He guesses that one is more about him and how vulnerable he’s been throughout the entire day than actually about the movie, but he still takes it. There’s something about allowing tears to flow freely down your cheeks that feels liberating, and he prefers having the movie as an excuse than actually thinking about the storms constantly trapped inside his head.
When Taehyung walks inside the dorm though, the little bubble in which Jungkook just was bursts and he pauses the movie credits, relieved his eyes are now dry when he looks up at him.
“Oh, you’re awake.”
“Yeah. I was watching a movie.”
Taehyung nods, but otherwise doesn’t seem that interested in whatever the younger might be doing. Jungkook stares as he watches him take off his shoes by the door, and when he turns to throw his phone on his bed, he sees it. There’s a hickey on his neck. It’s big enough for Jungkook to spot it in a second, even if the lights are dim and it’s nighttime. It’s big and red and fresh and sticking out like a sore thumb. Jungkook knows he’s not being subtle with his staring but he can’t quite help it. He’s frozen in place, left wondering why and how and when and where and who.
Mostly, why. Even if there’s a tiny voice inside his head saying, why not? Why wouldn’t Taehyung go out and get a hickey? Why the hell not? You literally said you wanted to fuck around, too.
...but I didn’t mean it.
“Jungkook, are you listening to me? I asked if you wanted to get something to eat-”
“Where were you?” he blurts out, not bothering to catch the words inside and not really regretting it as the older blinks at him in surprise.
“Uh, went out? Clearly?” he chuckles in confusion, moving to display his outfit. Surely enough, he’s wearing a dark crop top and tight denim shorts that make his thighs and legs look even better than usual. He looks beautiful but Jungkook can barely focus on any of that right now.
He coughs. “Date?”
“Not really. Just a club, it was kinda shit so I came back.”
Jungkook nods, stares at the loose thread on his sheets that his fingers have begun toying with. This is the beginning. Taehyung went on a date with Seojoon just last night and then tonight he went out to a club and got a hickey and who knows what else he did...and then tomorrow, he’ll probably sleep somewhere else entirely. They’ll be back to square one. How long did it last, five, six weeks? Is that all he was? A pass time? He knew it was a great possibility, even told himself from the get-go that Taehyung would eventually get tired of him and leave but fuck-
He didn’t know it would happen this soon, he wasn’t prepared. He didn’t know it would hurt this badly.
He misses him, even when Taehyung is only meters away.
You deserve so much better than this, he hears. And it’s his mom’s voice and Jimin’s voice and Yoongi’s voice and even, ironically enough, Taehyung’s himself.
For once in his life, Jungkook thinks they might be right. This is too much. Why has he convinced himself he can’t be happy, or that he shouldn’t even try to be?
“No, I’m not hungry. I was about to sleep,” he says, his voice cold to his own ears. Taehyung frowns, clearly having caught the tone, but surprisingly enough he doesn’t ask him any questions. Jungkook’s relieved, since he isn’t sure what he’d say as an intense wave of heat crepts up his neck.
“Cool,” he ends up saying. He pulls the top off, his exposed chest making Jungkook want to both look at him and look away. Everything is always a contradiction when it comes to Taehyung. Jungkook’s head hurts. The older seems to confuse his stare for a lustful one because he cocks his head to the side and calmly inquires, “Wanna fuck or are you too tired?”
Jungkook feels his eyebrows furrowing, eyes widening in shock from hearing Taehyung’s blunt question. His heartbeat, which was just now starting to return to its normal pace, is back at beating full force, hammering against his chest as if demanding to be heard inside the tiny dorm.
They’ve never spoken about what they’ve been doing in such a blatant way, as if it was just...sex. As if Jungkook wasn’t his best friend, as if there wasn’t so much love between them it sometimes feels as if it might become an actual living thing for him to reach out and hold in his shaking hands-
He’s had enough. He has spent years feeling hurt and neglected and he knows, he knows that wasn’t on Taehyung, that the older doesn’t owe him any of the nights he spent in someone else’s arms, that he can’t blame him for the hurricane that threatens to unfold him every time he sees him with someone else but fuck, shouldn’t his friendship mean more to him than this? More than suggesting double dates, making Jungkook watch as Seojoon flirted with him, touching others while doing...this, this thing with him, when he knows full well Jungkook would never do that.
You never said you were exclusive…you never told him you were in love with him...
Fuck you and fuck that.
“What the fuck is your problem?” he blurts out, sitting up on the bed.
The dam has officially broken.
Taehyung’s jaw falls to the floor at his sudden outburst, a hand coming to press against his own chest as if willing his own body not to tremble. “Excuse me?”
“You just-” he takes a deep breath, voice almost weak when he tries to explain, “You have a hickey.”
The older’s eyebrows raise to his hairline.
“And?”
Jungkook stares at him for a moment before shaking his head. it’s no use. Taehyung has no feelings for him and he clearly doesn’t see how in love with him Jungkook is, how devoted and fucking gone he is.
“Nothing, forget it-”
Taehyung scoffs, arms raising in the air in frustration. He’s still shirtless but this time Jungkook isn’t the slightest bit distracted by the sight of his honeyed skin. “You always do this!”
“Do what, exactly?” he asks, crossing his arms over his chest.
His friend purses his lips, mouth tensing around the corners. “You never talk about your feelings-”
Jungkok shakes his head again, looking away. “I don’t want to talk about this-”
“Why the hell not!?” Taehyung yells, and he knows people have to be able to hear them, that the walls are paper thin in college and it’s past midnight on a weekday and someone might come knocking at their door any minute now. Still, he doesn’t seem to care about the repercussions of this as he stares at Taehyung straight in the eye and says back,
“Because I know what you’ll say and I don’t want to hear it, okay!?”
Taehyung scoffs. “How on earth can you know if you don’t tell me?”
Jungkook knows. He doesn’t need to tell Taehyung he’s in love with him and he can’t be with him if they aren’t going to be exclusive because he can’t bear the thought of someone else touching him, kissing him, holding him. He doesn’t need to tell him that he’s loved him for so long he isn’t quite sure when it started or if it’ll ever end. He doesn’t need to tell him any of this to know Taehyung won’t feel the same way about him.
It’d ruin their friendship, he’s always known that. And this thing right here, this unbearable mess he got himself into because he thought he could handle it...it could ruin them, too. It could shatter them. Maybe it already has and the thought itself makes him ache in places he never thought possible.
But he needs to think of himself for a change. He needs to think of his needs and he can’t continue being miserable, can’t keep lying to himself and muffling sobs and untold confessions against Taehyung’s lips each time they threaten to burst past his lips. He can’t keep doing this. He won’t survive it. He shouldn’t have to survive it.
Love shouldn’t be something you bear. It should be something good, and precious and...it should be reciprocated.
If Taehyung felt even a sliver of what Jungkook feels for him, he wouldn’t be kissing strangers at clubs and getting lost in someone else’s eyes as they look at him beneath the neon lights.
“Maybe this was a bad idea,” he whispers into the tense air around them. Taehyung is silent for endless seconds, Jungkook unable to look up and see his face, in case his expression might confuse him and make him take the words back.
“W-what was?” the crack in his voice, the tiny stutter that he tries to hide makes Jungkook almost regret having said anything at all.
He sighs, daring to look up even if it hurts because Taehyung deserves that. His eyes expose so much of the anguish within him that it renders him speechless. Taehyung looks miserable and it makes no sense, why would he care so much, isn’t this for the best, isn’t he relieved he can now go and date whoever he wants? But then again, he already could. He’s already doing that. That thought alone is enough to make him explain in a low voice, “This thing. Us. It’s ruining our friendship.”
Taehyung blinks at him.
“This is the first time we’ve fought in a long time-”
Jungkook shuts his eyes for a moment, when he blinks them open he says, “I don’t want to do it anymore.”
He sees him chew on his lower lip, run a hand through his silver hair before asking, “Is it because of Juwon? You like him?”
“ What ?”
“Or, or is it because I went out and you think I’m…” he trails off, and Jungkook waits but he doesn’t say anything else. He just stands there, staring at him as if thinking the younger has to know exactly what he means by that. He doesn’t.
“I...don’t know what you’re talking about,” he answers after it’s obvious Taehyung won’t keep going. “I just think this...this thing is changing things and I think we should stop. For our friendship.”
for me.
Taehyung nods at that, eyes softening a bit at the edges, but he can still see something else lingering in his gaze. That tiny flicker of something that has always been there, ever since their gazes first clashed...the one Jungkook has never been able to read. He licks his lips and says, “Okay. Okay, of course, whatever you want. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to...pressure you...or make you mad.”
He waves it away, dismisses the whole thing. Taehyung didn’t make him mad per se, he just broke his heart enough for Jungkook to realize he needs to stop. “You didn’t, it’s fine. I just want to sleep, really.”
“I’ll g-go shower now,” he announces, rushing to the bathroom even if he’s not holding any of his clean clothes.
“Good night,” he says at the empty room once the door is shut and locked, Taehyung not sparing him another glance.
He feels empty as he lies there in bed, falling asleep to the sound of the shower head slamming against the bathroom floor.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
Time slows down, thickens up around Jungkook and for a while he feels trapped inside a huge snowball that does nothing but increase in size. And it’s weird, because he should feel the same way he used to feel, after all he’s back to being Taehyung’s best friend. But things are never quite that simple and it hurts even more now, after having learnt the taste of his mouth and sealed his name on the crevice of Taehyung’s neck and the sensitive skin behind his ears.
Stupidly enough, what hurts the most is that he didn’t even get to have one last kiss. Not one he knew would be the last, anyway. The days go by and things...somewhat return back to normal. And somewhat not. It’s a new type of normal, one in which Taehyung is busier than ever and they hardly ever see each other at all, unless they’re meeting their friends. It’s better this way, easier.
And it’s also a lot harder, too. It’s like with drugs, really. Jungkook is going through strong withdrawal and he wishes he could have access to some small doses, anything to get by for a while. Sometimes at night, when the lights in his ceiling make him feel even lonelier than before, he wonders if he could ask Taehyung for one last...something. And then he feels pathetic and shame curls around his stomach like a starving snake.
Jimin finds out so quickly it gives Jungkook whiplash. Around a few days later they meet under the tree and his friend opens his arms at him with such sad, pitiful eyes that Jungkook has to look away. He lets him hug him, but it’s weird that the only words he tells him are “ he’s a mess, too, you know?” Because Taehyung isn’t a mess when he sees him, not at all. He’s his usual self, and tries to treat Jungkook as usual, too. He smiles and goes out often and simply...lives as if nothing happened at all. The only time Jungkook saw him actually affected was when he first told him they should end things... but considering how just the next day he saw him laughing with Seojoon around campus, he figured he had just imagined the tremors in the older’s hands as he walked away from him.
So no, Taehyung is very much not a mess. Jungkook, on the other hand…
“Okay, that’s it. Why are you moping?”
Jungkook blinks at Hoseok’s sudden question, lips parting as he remembers he’s having lunch with the older. He’s been playing with his food for the past few minutes, not feeling very hungry at all.
“I’m fine-”
“You’ve been sulking for days now, if not longer. I asked Jimin but he won’t budge even though I know he knows! Is it Juwon? ‘Cause I’ll hurt him if I have to, man.”
“What? No, we aren’t really...talking. The date was a mess.”
“Yeah, heard about that...I mean, the whole double date was already weird in my opinion. Anyway, what is it then?”
Jungkook briefly wonders where Hoseok heard that from, but he doesn’t care enough to ask.
“I’m just stressed about uh, a few classes.”
“Oh,” Hoseok sighs, looking almost relieved. “That’s fixable. Tell me a bit about them, maybe I can help.”
“Uh, sure.”
Jungkook is actually doing great in all of his classes, even with how little energy he has left to study nowadays. It still keeps his mind off things, so if anything he’s been holding onto his papers like a lifeline and acing all of his exams. But he knows this will be the only way for Hoseok to stop asking him about his sour mood so he indulges him, making up things he’s struggling with even when he’s not.
He needs to do better at faking his smiles, though. He hates how transparent he is when he’s suffering, how the pain seems to grow until it’s plastered all over his face, like a stain you can’t get rid of no matter how hard you try.
The last thing he needs is for his friends to worry or worse...for Taehyung to find out Jungkook has his heart broken over him.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
Taehyung remains oblivious, or if he is even a little bit aware of Jungkook’s suffering, he doesn’t really try to act on it. Jungkook isn’t expecting him to, after all he was the one who ended whatever thing they had built between them.
He doesn’t exchange many words with him when they’re both in their dorm, sharing so much air it feels a bit as if he were choking on the older’s familiar perfume. He usually focuses on whatever he’s working on at the moment, fingers flying over the keyboard, inspiration coursing through his body like thick blood. Taehyung keeps to his own thing as well, either working on his homework or watching a tv show or choosing his outfits for the week. He’s the most stylish person he’s ever met and yet somehow he always used to ask for his opinion. He doesn’t really do that anymore, though.
Jungkook can tell their friendship has changed. Even if Taehyung is seemingly unaffected by it, and tries to talk to him the same way he always did... he has to be able to see the change anyway. They used to move around each other in sync, be able to talk about literally anything for hours. Now...now it’s almost as if he was sharing a room with a stranger. Or rather, an old friend. It’s heart-shattering.
So when Taehyung actually talks to him later that week, after a few hours of silence have gone by, Jungkook is so startled he almost falls off his bed.
“I bumped into Juwon today.”
He turns towards him in confusion, Taehyung’s profile unreadable as usual.
“Okay?”
“He asked about you,” he adds, voice void of any particular emotion he might be able to pinpoint.
He blinks.
“I don’t really-”
“You should text him. I thought you liked him.”
Jungkook doesn’t really feel like engaging into another conversation that could end up in either yelling or even more tension growing inside their room, so all he does is shrug and say, “I’ll text him later,” even when he’s more than positive that he won’t. He’s never liked Juwon and he doesn’t understand why Taehyung seems so convinced that he does. Wasn’t he the one going about how uncomfortable he was during that awful date, anyway?
And why does he care? Why is it the first words he’s spoken to him today at all are...those?
He shakes his head, resolutely focusing back on his computer. He’s sure he’ll be acing this essay, too.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
Despite Jimin knowing about Jungkook’s heartbreak in great detail, Yoongi remains unaware of the reasons why suddenly he’s back to moping around...actually, with much more intensity than he used to. The both of them offer to go out together to ‘get his mind off things’, although Jungkook doubts that would do him any good. He doesn’t feel like going anywhere, but then again getting drunk doesn’t sound entirely unappealing.
So he goes, not really fighting Jimin over outfits since he couldn’t care less about the fabric sticking to his skin. Jimin still forces smiles on his face, curls his arms around Jungkook’s body and presses loud laughter into his chest. He really doesn’t know what he would do without him, or Yoongi, who makes them dinner before they leave and takes Jungkook’s hand as well as his boyfriend’s while they walk to his car.
Anyone would think the three of them are dating, and in another world Jungkook thinks they might have. In this one though, they’re his best friends and he loves them to death.
“I want to get drunk,” he announces as soon as they make it past the door of the club and reach the bar. It’s not that crowded yet since it’s fairly early and Jungkook wants to take advantage of the empty bar.
Yoongi slams his hand on the counter when they reach him though, startling both Jimin and him. “Okay, screw that. Why are you like this? It’s Taehyung, isn’t it? What did he do?” he asks, eyes narrowing down in such a threatening way that Jungkook would definitely be intimidated if he didn’t know any better.
“Yoongi-” Jimin says, placing a hand on his arm as if trying to send a message through touch alone.
The older meets his boyfriend’s gaze but it doesn’t soften up as he answers through gritted teeth, “No, I’m sick of this, I’ve been holding my tongue but it’s clear he did something to him-”
Jungkook sighs, not really looking forward to having this conversation but knowing he has to. He should’ve told Yoongi from the very beginning, maybe then his friend could’ve tried talking some sense into his thick brain. Although knowing himself he probably would’ve wanted to do it even more if he had. “He didn’t do anything. I did this to myself.”
“What?”
“I...we’ve been having sex,” he confesses before his mouth twitches as if he just tasted something sour right before he adds, “Or well, we were having sex. I ended things, whatever...it’s fine, I’ll get over it.”
The older’s face hardens the moment the words spill past his lips. “Are you-”
This time, Jimin’s voice is a loud warning in the middle of the club, the neon lights casting a blue shadow over his profile as his fingers squeeze around his boyfriend’s bicep with a gentle insistence that seems to ground him.
“ Yoongi .”
Jungkook watches as Yoongi takes a deep breath, his tense limbs relaxing as he meets Jimin’s eyes and gives him a nod, a mutual understanding flying through both of their gazes. Sometimes the younger forgets how Yoongi used to get into fights when he was younger, how Jimin has always anchored him back to earth when his emotions got the best of him...how they’re so perfect for each other and Jungkook wishes so desperately he could have someone like that, too.
“I know you love him, but I can’t really understand how he agreed to this...this thing with you, without knowing you’ve been in love with him for years,” Yoongi says after a moment, leaning closer to him so he can hear him properly.
He shrugs. “Maybe he knows.”
Jimin’s eyes widen at that, getting in between the two of them before saying in a rushed voice, “He doesn’t, he wouldn’t do that, Jungkook. Come on, you know he wouldn’t. Besides, if he knew, he’d be dating you-”
Jungkook doesn’t realize he’s yelling until he’s looking at his friend’s shocked expressions.
“Stop! Stop, okay? I’m tired of hearing you talking like he loves me when he doesn’t. He doesn’t and I have to accept that and move on so can you just fucking pass me the soju,” he finishes, this time talking to the bartender who just witnessed him raising his voice at his friends like an asshole. The man rushes to comply though, clearly not looking forward to being a victim of Jungkook’s wrath. He is quick to press the cool bottle to his mouth and swallow down a few gulps that burn their way down his throat.
He’s getting drunk tonight, with or without his friends’ permission.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
The stranger smells like sour candies and his hands are rough against Jungkook’s skin. They feel like sandpaper or bricks or something entirely not...Taehyung. He kisses him harder, pushes his tongue inside the guy’s mouth, tastes the vodka and the sourness of the lime wedges and the salt of his skin. He shuts his eyes as tightly as his body will allow him, feels the blood rising to his head, making a home behind his eyelids. His limbs are pulled so tightly he could burst, but he doesn’t. He just kisses and gets kissed and groped and touched in ways that make him feel disgusting. But they also make him forget. And that’s enough for now.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
He’s too drunk to form coherent sentences or even keep himself completely straight for more than a few seconds. Yoongi and Jimin escort him to his dorm, and it should be embarrassing but Jungkook is holding onto Yoongi’s body like he’s a teddy bear, giggling as the older murmurs, “You’re so clingy when you’re drunk,” into his hair. Jimin is laughing too, tipsy enough to forget the actual reason why Jungkook decided to down an entire bottle of soju as soon as they made it inside the club.
He doesn’t even remember when he lost his friends and found the guy he made out with for a few minutes, doesn’t remember having found his friends again afterwards, doesn’t remember walking out of the club and getting into Yoongi’s car.
Someone is holding his hand and when he squeezes it he realizes it belongs to Jimin. It’s tiny and soft and has a lot of fingers that feel cool against his warm skin.
“You have pretty hands,” he tells him as they walk down his hallway.
Jimin pouts at him. “Thank you. I love you, Kooks. You know that, right?”
“Oh god, not you too,” Yoongi sighs, but he’s still holding onto the two of them with both arms. Jungkook smiles back at Jimin and nods, whispers that he knows and he loves him too, and Yoongi, and that they are his family and a lot of gibberish that makes Yoongi laugh with his entire body.
When they finally make it to his door, Jungkook seems to forget that Taehyung will probably be there until Jimin is using his key to unlock it and they find the older by his bed with his phone on both hands. Jungkook is too drunk to know which time it is, but he’s pretty sure it must be way past two a.m.
“Tae, you’re awake,” Jimin says, surprise laced in his voice.
“Yes, I was worried sick,” he replies, voice hard. “I texted you, Jungkook, why didn’t you tell me you were going-”
He scoffs as he juts his chin out at him. “I don’t have to tell you shit.”
Jimin laughs albeit awkwardly before saying, “Oh god. He’s drunk, don’t mind him-”
Taehyung shakes his head. “Wow, okay. You guys can...leave, I’ll take care of him.’
“Bet you will,” Yoongi huffs under his breath.
“Let’s just go,” Jimin says, pushing his boyfriend out the door. “Tae’s got it.”
“I’ll miss you guys,” Jungkook sighs, already reaching out to them, wishing he could make them stay long enough to fall asleep in their warm embrace.
“We’ll have lunch tomorrow, sweetheart,” Yoongi says, kissing his forehead and sending Taehyung a glare before walking out. Jimin hugs him for a moment, sends him an odd smile Jungkook is too drunk to read and follows the older out.
When Jungkook turns back around to face Taehyung, he almost falls on his feet.
“How much did you drink, Jesus,” Taehyung sighs, wrapping an arm around him to keep him in place. Jungkook can smell his perfume, the lemon in his hair and fuck, it hurts. Even that hurts.
“Get away from me,” he whines out like a little kid throwing a tantrum. He feels the older’s hand tighten around his waist, voice clearly frustrated.
“Why are you acting like this?”
He shrugs. “Like what?”
Taehyung doesn’t answer his question, though. Instead he hears a soft gasp coming from his mouth and then his lips moving until he hears, “You...your neck is covered in…”
He knows what he’s talking about. There are hickeys all over his skin. He begged the stranger to mark him up, wanted someone else’s name written on his body instead of the one he’s been seeing on every mirror for the past few weeks. The one tattooed deep into his skull, seeping through his flesh even when it hasn’t touched him for endless days.
“So? I can do whatever I want,” he replies defiantly.
Taehyung’s eyes widen at that before he nods and rushes to clarify, “I know that. Of course. I…” he runs a hand through his hair, and for a moment the younger thinks his fingers are shaking. “Let’s just get you to bed.”
He steps back.
“No. I don’t need your help.”
“You’re going to fall and hurt yourself, please just let me?” he asks, and his voice is laced with so much fondness, hands tender and light as feathers as they touch him, as if Jungkook was this precious jewel he wants to keep safe between his protecting hands that he just...he kinda...
“Fine.”
Taehyung has never been this gentle with him. A part of his drunk mind is crying out that this was what he’s always wanted, and why is he giving this to him now when Jungkook will probably not even remember it long enough to appreciate it?
Taehyung’s increasing gentleness starts making him mad as the seconds go by, though. He wants him to be mean, and cruel and give him a thousand reasons to hate him, to stop falling so desperately in love with him. But Taehyung has never been mean to him, not on purpose. He’s gentle as he helps him get undressed and put on his pajamas, gentle as he makes him brush his teeth and drink some water, gentle as he prepares his bed for him and helps him lie down beneath the covers. Jungkook doesn’t complain again, even going as far as leaning into his soft touch more times than he can count. He’s not sober enough to stand this.
Taehyung sits by his side once he’s done, right by the edge of his bed. He looks at him, black eyes wide and apologetic. They’re so bright that for a moment he fears they might hold unshed tears, but then Taehyung blinks and sends him a sad smile, his gaze filled with so much unabashed yearning that it leaves him breathless. “You should get some rest.”
“Okay,” he whispers. Taehyung yawns, and it’s then that Jungkook realizes how exhausted the older looks, bags under his eyes, hair messy as if he’s been pulling on the strands for a while now. He’s still the most beautiful man he’s ever laid his eyes on. “Why did you wait for me?” he asks him.
He feels a bit more awake now, even though he’s very much still drunk and will probably not even remember any of this when the morning comes. Not in vivid detail at least, like having him close enough for his scent to spread itself around him like butter, or the way his eyelashes tremble when he blinks at him or how his body exudes a warmth he physically aches for.
Taehyung shrugs, but his eyes don’t look at him when he answers, “I told you, I was worried.”
“I was okay.”
“I know. Did you have fun?” he wonders, and Jungkook can see his eyes coming to a slow stop over his neck, the bruises there almost beaming under his inquiring gaze.
“Yes,” he lies. What he actually wants to say is no, my mouth pressed against a stranger’s and his tongue ran over mine but it tasted all wrong and his hands didn’t belong on my waist and his lips weren’t meant to be leaving a trail down my neck and biting my skin with his name.
“That’s great,” he whispers, but his voice sounds far away despite the small distance between them. He seems lost in thought for a moment before continuing, “You deserve that. Hoseok said you’ve been…” he shakes his head. “God, why is it easier to talk to you when you’re drunk?”
Jungkook pouts, not really able to take in the actual meaning behind the older’s words as his mind remains fuzzy, alcohol still very much running through his veins.
“That’s mean.”
Taehyung sighs, leaning against the mattress until his face is hidden from view, forehead pressed there as if telling a secret to the younger’s bed. Jungkook is actually jealous of his blanket for a moment before he hears him say, “Ugh, don’t do this to me.”
“Huh?”
The older sends him a long look then, one of the undecipherable ones. “Nothing.”
Jungkook stares back at him, the eye contact turning so intimate after a few seconds that it makes him want to both reach out to him and sob into the palms of his hands. The longing he feels swelling inside his chest is like a bullet wound getting reopened following a very poor job at stitching the skin back together.
“I miss you,” he tells him.
Taehyung whines, the sound coming out as if he was in actual pain. “You do?”
Instead of answering his question he asks, “Do you ?”
“Yes, every day,” he doesn’t hesitate to answer, the genuinity of the words taking Jungkook’s breath away.
“Oh.”
Taehyung audibly groans, hiding his face in the bed again. “God, I hope you forget this.”
“Why?”
“Because I think it’s obvious by now,” he laughs as he sits back up, and the way it comes out in a choked sob makes Jungkook’s chest tighten up with concern. He thinks there’s something beneath those words, something he’s too drunk to focus on, something big he’s missing. It frightens him to think it might just slip away from him before he gets to it.
“What do you mean, Tae?”
“Nothing,” he shakes his head. “Fuck, nothing. It seems I’m the drunk one here,” he adds with a bitter chuckle that sounds sadder than it does amused.
Jungkook frowns and dumbly says, “You’re not drunk.”
He stands up, the next words low but loud enough for him to catch them in the empty room, “No, I’m just stupid and have no filter,” he sends him a glance. “Just sleep, Jungkook.”
He pouts again before blurting out, “No baby anymore?”
Taehyung turns back towards him with wide eyes, neck moving so fast it’s a miracle he didn’t just snap a bone or two. “What?”
“You don’t call me baby anymore.”
This time the older’s entire face contorts into such a painful expression that Jungkook actually wonders if he snapped a bone after all. “Oh, darling,” he whispers, a hand running down the side of his face. “You really have no idea what you do to me, do you?” he asks, and at Jungkook’s confused frown he simply sighs, defeated. “Go to sleep, baby,” he tells him, briefly patting his head. Jungkook leans into the touch, wishing his hand would linger a little bit longer, but it’s gone as soon as it comes and Taehyung feels a thousand miles away as he disappears inside their bathroom.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
Jungkook’s head feels like it might actually explode. Its throbbing, big, loud pulses waking him up in the middle of the morning. His mouth is dry and everything in his body hurts. He reaches for his phone, reading the time and throwing the sheets over his head the moment the clock reads nine a.m. He doesn’t know which day of the week it is, what happened last night or even how he got into bed. He can’t remember anything but going out with Jimin and Yoongi and...nothing. Fuck. How much did he drink?
He finds some texts from his friends, asking about how he’s doing and if they’re still meeting up for lunch. Jungkook doesn’t remember ever agreeing to having lunch but he’s starving so despite his horrible state, he tells them he’ll be there. Yoongi says Seokjin might join them and Jungkook answers with a thumbs up emoji before groaning into his pillow.
Taehyung’s bed is empty and has already been made as he goes to take a shower about an hour later. He doesn’t have early classes today but Jungkook isn’t surprised to find him gone. He’s been extremely busy lately anyways...or maybe he’s just been avoiding him.
He frowns as the warm water rains down his aching body. Did Taehyung see him last night? Did he see how drunk he was? He was probably asleep, though…
He hates not remembering things, gives him such a rush of anxiety he doesn’t quite know what to do with himself as he gets dressed and drinks enough water to fill his stomach halfway.
He meets his friends an hour later, all of them already sitting down by the time gets there, holding plastic menus to their faces. Jungkook takes the empty seat by Seokjin’s booth and groans as his head slams against the table. The painkillers haven’t worked that well so far.
“You drank your body weight in alcohol last night, idiot,” Jimin says, throwing a napkin at his head.
“Why?”
Yoongi’s answer is curt and to the point. “Because you’re an idiot.”
“Come on, order something nice. I’ll pay,” Seokjin says, running his fingers through Jungkook’s locks.
Sometimes he quite enjoys being babied.
“Wow, thanks,” he grins as he unglues his face from the dirty table.
“It’s okay, you look like you need to eat at least three dishes before you are back to fully functioning again, anyway,” he laughs. They order greasy food, the sort Jimin recommends because he always knows the best food to cure hangovers. Jungkook almost jumps face first into the plate of fries, devours pancakes with syrup and cream until there’s nothing left but powdered sugar on the dish.
He hears his friends talk about their classes but doesn’t really join the conversation. He’s hungry and still a little bit annoyed that he can’t remember anything about last night. He has the feeling he’s forgetting something big, too, and it only helps his anxiety increase even more than it already has.
At one point though, he overhears Seokjin bragging about his latest dating advice and starts to listen. Despite the older not having had many successful relationships, he’s always going off about how he should be a couple therapist with how well he understands people and what they need to be happy. Usually they just laugh at him and tease him, but Seokjin did set Namjoon up with some girl from his class a few years ago...and it lasted about eight months so it wasn’t all that bad.
“I have this friend who asked me for advice not that long ago, he wanted to impress this old friend…” he’s saying now. “I think I helped a lot, even if he did say his lover didn’t really...reciprocate the feelings.”
Jimin sighs, resting his chin on his hand. “That sucks. What was your amazing advice?”
Despite Jimin’s obvious teasing tone, Seokjin answers the question seriously as he leans back on his seat. “Mmm, to ask about the other’s interests, firstly. People love talking about the things they like.”
Jungkook nods absentmindedly. That’s true, and he can see why someone would be attracted to that sort of thing.
“Also, he said the two of them were having sex so I was like, if you want this to turn serious you need to act serious about it. Like, stay over and sleep with the guy, be domestic and shit, you know?” he explains.
“Makes sense, otherwise the other might think he just wants to fuck,” Yoongi comments.
“Exactly. But I don’t know, apparently the guy kinda went on a date, too. And broke things off. It was messy,” he scrunches up his nose. “I think he should’ve told him from the get-go. Instead he just kept hiding it until well, it was too late. Poor guy, though.”
Jungkook can relate to that, feels pity for the stranger even though that kinda means he’s pitying...himself. And that’s really fucking lame, so he shakes his head and tries to clear his mind. Maybe he should’ve continued focusing on the powdered sugar on his plate instead of trying to join the conversation.
There’s a pause around the table, one long enough for him to take a look at the faces that surround him. Jimin is sharing a look with Yoongi, and he has no idea what it means. “This sounds...familiar,” Jimin finally speaks up, turning back to the older. Seokjin immediately shakes his head, his ears getting red so quickly it makes Jungkook stare at them in wonder.
“What? No way, you guys don’t know him.”
He frowns at the change in Seokjin’s tone, his voice going very high which is exactly what it does whenever he’s hiding something. He shares a look with Yoongi then, the older frowning back before asking, “Are you sure?”
“Yes! What makes you think you do? I was just…” he sighs, defeat contorting his features before he looks around them, as if making sure no one is able to hear them. Jungkook stares at him in disbelief considering they’re at a cafeteria a couple miles away from college and there’s literally no one they know here. “Fine but look, you can’t tell anyone.”
“What is it?” Jimin insists, and whatever has him looking like a madman, almost leaning over the table far enough for his shirt to get sticky with syrup, makes Jungkook’s heart beat unsteadily inside him. He doesn’t understand what’s going on, but something is itching in the back of his throat, a rumbling on his stomach, a whisper of something.
Seokjin takes a deep breath as if preparing himself for the gossip he’s about to spread.
“Remember that Taehyung said he was done dating around? Apparently it’s because of this guy he met,” he begins, voice low in a secretive whisper. Jungkook’s heart freezes mid-beat inside his chest. He can feel Jimin staring at him but can’t look past Seokjin’s face as he continues, “I don’t know much more, just that they started sleeping around and he had feelings for him. He didn’t give extreme details, you know how he is. So please don’t say anything or he’ll never trust me again.”
Jungkook thinks this must be a joke, this whole thing. Maybe his friends planned this, surely someone is going to jump over the booth any second now and be all like ‘HA! You fell for it!’ Joke’s on them though, there’s no way he’ll believe this. He can’t. This can’t be-
“Oh my god,” Jimin says, shaking his head at Jungkook, eyebrows raising before adding, “A guy he started sleeping with, huh?”
He glares at him. “This isn’t funny, Jimin.”
The older gapes at him.
“ Jungkook . This is not a joke.”
“I think there’s somewhere you should be right now, isn’t there?” Yoongi asks him then, eyes wide in alarm and Jungkook knows exactly what he’s urging him to do, exactly what anyone would urge him to do if any of this was true, which it isn’t. But Yoongi looks serious and he’d never make a cruel joke like this, and frankly, neither would Jimin. None of this is even remotely funny, his friends love him, why would they joke about his feelings, dangle what he wants the most in front of his face just to get rid of it seconds later?
But then...then that would mean…
He can barely move a single limb as he stares between his friends, panic clear in his face. “W-wait, n-no. There’s no way this-”
“Okay, what am I missing? What did I say? Is Taehyung here?!” Seokjin yells then, looking over his shoulder as if someone was about to get him. None of them seem to pay him any attention as Jimin leans over the table once again.
“I don’t want to tell you that I told you so but for fuck’s sakes go get Taehyung and tell him how you feel before I shove my foot so up your-”
His boyfriend gently pushes him back to his seat. “Jimin, give the kid a minute.”
Seokjin seems to finally understand what’s happening, eyes wide as he stares at each of them in disbelief “Wait, then... you’re the guy?! Oh my god. Did I fuck up?”
Yoongi shakes his head, a chuckle abandoning his lips. “No. Actually, you might have just saved these two idiots.”
Jungkook is still frozen in place, though. He wonders when his legs will finally be able to move, his brain having tried ordering them around for the past two minutes.
He thinks of every single detail that happened between them, replays the last few months inside his head like an old movie. He thinks of Taehyung kissing him that very first night, of his apologies the following morning, of the words I know my limits. He thinks of Taehyung telling him he couldn’t stop thinking about that night, wishing he would remember, kissing him with such longing, even back then.
He thinks of everything they did, every kiss, every lingering touch, every night Taehyung spent with him on his bed, Taehyung asking him a million questions, Taehyung’s face when he heard Jungkook was going on a date and him immediately jumping on the date as well...Taehyung leaving with him, getting angry at Juwon, saying he deserves better. Taehyung staying the night, Taehyung getting upset when he said he’d text Juwon again, Taehyung getting a hickey right afterwards…
Taehyung’s broken expression when he ended things.
Taehyung Taehyung Taehyung.
And even before then, too. Taehyung telling him he’d stay if he needed to, running his fingers through his hair until he fell asleep, hugging him and kissing his cheek and calling him a thousand pet names and fuck.
How blind was he? How much did he miss?
He feels a warm hand over his own, looks up to find Yoongi sending him a warm, reassuring smile. “It’s gonna be okay, Kook. I promise. Just go talk to him.”
Jungkook’s legs finally respond, and he doesn’t stop running until he makes it to their dorm.
vi.
You are perfection, my only direction
It's fire on fire
Taehyung is there when he opens the door, wearing his reading glasses and sitting on their desk. He has no make up on, hair a bit messy. He looks breathtaking. Jungkook’s heart softens up so quickly, his breath returning to his lungs even though he’s still agitated from all the running he did. The cafeteria was two miles away, but he didn’t once stop running. He couldn’t. It was as if his legs were trying to compensate for having ignored his brain for so long.
“Taehyung,” he whispers, the older turning to face him. He takes his glasses off, his face bare and endlessly pretty as he sees him.
“Jungkook. You okay? Thought you’d be sleeping till later. I brought you some painkillers but you weren’t here anymore-”
Jungkook knows he might be wrong, knows this could all be a mistake and he’ll probably regret everything he does from this point forward if he actually ends up being wrong...but he’ll regret it even more if he doesn’t do anything. He’s spent so many years just sitting by and waiting and watching Taehyung living his life while he just...didn’t say anything, didn’t reach out to him, didn’t kiss him or tell him how he actually felt. And all because he was scared.
All because he thought he didn’t deserve good things. So many years self-sabotaging himself. And what for? What good has that done for him?
He deserves good things. And fear...fear can go fuck itself.
He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t absolutely terrified now, but it sort of ceases to matter. Everything but Taehyung ceases to matter as he swallows the words right out of his mouth, kisses him with a fierce determination, feels his warm gasp pressing over his pink lips as Taehyung freezes beneath his touch.
“W-what are y-” he hears him ask but Jungkook kisses him again and Taehyung doesn’t push him away. If anything, he pulls him even closer, as if his body’s first instinct was always to gravitate towards Jungkook’s every touch.
“I love you,” he says. And it’s so easy, the words come so easily past his lips, kinda flow out of him. A weight lifts off his shoulders, relief pulling his mind to a quiet, peaceful slumber.
Taehyung frowns.
“I love you, too--oh.”
“Yes. I mean, not as a friend but as a--I’m in love with you,” he whispers, trying to read Taehyung’s expression. “Have been for years. I...I don’t know why I didn’t say anything till now but…” he chuckles. “Well, that’s kind of a lie but fuck... I think---I heard Seokjin saying you went to him for advice and maybe I got it all wrong but…”
Taehyung’s eyes are swelling with tears, his irises coming to life beneath the layer of rain that traps them under its current. “You’re in love...with me ?” he murmurs, such disbelief and surprise in his voice that Jungkook finds himself staring at him as if it was the first time he was really seeing him.
“Of course,” he says. “Who wouldn’t be?”
Taehyung blinks and two tears slide down his cheeks in a rush, as if desperate to touch him. “You mean that?” he whispers, and he sounds so scared that it breaks Jungkook’s heart.
He cups his face with both hands, runs his fingers over his soft cheeks until he catches both tears in his fingers. “You’re really blind if you find it so hard to believe.”
Taehyung shuts his eyes, leans into his touch so deeply it makes Jungkook want to never let go of him. “Y-you...I...fuck, I can’t believe this. I thought you didn’t want...anything like that. With me. I thought Juwon...god, Jimin was right?”
When is Jimin ever not right, he wants to say, but his curiosity gets the best of him and instead he asks, “What did he say to you?”
“Nothing, it doesn’t matter,” he sighs, their eyes meeting once again. Jungkook can see Taehyung is still on the verge of tears, just as shocked as he was when he found out Taehyung loved him back. “I love you, too. Of course I do. You’re the most precious person in my life, Jungkook,” he whispers. “Always have been.”
This time when they kiss, the world around them seems to shift and spin in the right direction for the first time in years.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
The galaxy painting over their ceiling feels different tonight. Jungkook thinks the world seems brighter on itself, colors vivid as he stares around their dorm. He blinks and the sky turns purple, blinks again and it’s blue. He loves it.
“It’s so pretty,” Taehyung whispers from his side. Jungkook turns towards him, catches his eyes wide and turning all different shades beneath the lights. When he turns back to him, Jungkook thinks he sees him blushing as he pulls the sheet over his naked body, until it reaches his chin and whispers, “You make me nervous.”
Jungkook laughs at that, frowning at the words. “ Me ?”
“Yes. You’re…” he looks away. “Really hot.”
“Look who’s talking.”
“No, I’m serious. The first time we had sex I didn’t even know good it’d be but well, I felt really shitty at first as you know-” he starts, Jungkook nodding along as he remembers Taehyung’s apologies and the guilt written all over his face. “‘Cause I thought you’d hate me,” he continues. “And I hated myself, too. For having had sex with you for the first time while we were both drunk. I even thought you only went with it because you were drunk.”
He shakes his head. He kind of wants to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. “I thought that was why you had gone with it.”
“No, I...I had wanted to kiss you ever since I first saw you,” he confesses. Jungkook stares at him. Even if they have both already admitted their feelings to each other, it’s only been a few hours and he still finds it so hard to believe.
“Why didn’t you?”
Taehyung scrunches up his nose, hand finding Jungkook’s as he begins playing with his fingers. “Because I thought...you didn’t see me that way. At first you were so shy and scared...I didn’t want to come off too strong. And then we became friends and I thought if I flirted maybe I’d ruin things before they even started,” he sighs, meets his eyes. “I just really didn’t want you to be out of my life so...I didn’t say anything.”
Jungkook sighs.
“Tae, I wanted to kiss you, too. All the time.”
Taehyung smiles a bit at that, but there’s sadness lingering in his eyes as he gazes at him. “We wasted so much time,” he whispers.
“It’s okay, we can make up for it,” he reassures him, squeezing his hand. “I’m sorry, though. For how I ended things.”
“It’s okay-”
“No, I didn’t give you an actual explanation and lied about wanting to fuck around. I was just too in love and it hurt a lot,” he admits. “It was too much to see you...with other people. And I thought you didn’t want to be attached to anyone-”
“Except for you,” Taehyung cuts him off. “You were never part of that. Nothing we ever did was just sex to me.”
“It wasn’t for me, either,” he murmurs. “I never cared about Juwon, or anyone else. I wasn’t even going to say yes to the dumb date until you suggested making it a double.”
Taehyung gasps at that.
“For real? Fuck. I just thought...I was so sad,” he laughs, but it comes out sounding so anguished that Jungkook finds himself burying his face in his neck, kissing over a few fresh marks he left only an hour ago. “I thought if I was there...I don’t know, it was so dumb. And then Juwon was an asshole, I wanted to punch him. And then you were saying you were going to text him again-”
He looks at him, their faces so close he can almost feel their mouths brushing when he says, “I didn’t mean it-”
“I know, but that’s why...I went out, kissed someone,” he shakes his head. “It was horrible. I’m sorry.”
Jungkook pecks him on the lips, the kiss short before he says, “It wasn’t your fault. We were both...stupid. I always wondered, though...why did you leave after that first night?"
"Oh. That. I just felt really bad. I wanted to stay but I woke up an hour later and freaked out. I'm sorry," he adds, but Jungkook gets it and simply kisses his forehead in return. He probably would've done the same thing if it had been him.
"By the way, I wanted to hurt Seojoon, too. He kept touching you," he says after a pause.
Taehyung laughs.
“He’s just a friend. We only slept once.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, he’s even dating someone now,” he tells him. Jungkook makes a sound from the back of his throat, taking a few seconds to process that before Taehyung runs his fingers through his hair, pulling on the locks until he looks at him once more. “And now I’m dating someone, too,” he adds, pure joy spreading over his face. It’s the most beautiful thing.
He smiles back, leans close enough to linger right over his mouth. “Oh? I never agreed to-”
“Shut up. I’m going to date the fuck out of you, Jungkook,” Taehyung answers before kissing him. They get a bit lost in each other’s mouths, the younger sucking on his lower lip until Taehyung trembles all over, goosebumps erupting whenever he touches his naked skin.
“No baby?” he asks as he breaks the kiss, foreheads pressed together.
Taehyung sighs. “Always, baby. I love you so much.”
Jungkook licks his lips, opens his eyes just in time to see Taehyung looking at him with such raw adoration it makes him feel as if he were flying through the galaxies drawn over their bedroom ceiling.
“I love you, too,” he says right before he dives back into the stars and kisses him.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
“I just want a little bit of recognition for it, that’s all.”
“Baby, this isn’t about you.”
“But-”
“Jimin, no.”
“Yes, Jimin. Stop trying to make our relationship into a threesome. It’s weird,” Taehyung says, sticking his tongue out at him while squeezing Jungkook in his hold. The younger relaxes against his chest, feeling his boyfriend wrapping his arms securely around his waist until all parts of their bodies are colliding against each other.
“You two are disgusting. I can’t believe I helped set you two up,” Jimin replies, glaring at them even though Jungkook and everybody else can see right past his façade. He’s probably the happiest one out of all of his friends. He literally cried when he found out they were dating. Yoongi threatened Taehyung not to hurt him but ended up hugging the two of them anyway, kissing Jungkook’s forehead and telling him how proud and happy he was.
His mother’s reaction was a mix between both of his best friend’s. She also cried, said she was proud and booked a flight to meet Taehyung in person next week. Jungkook thought it was a bit too soon but then again, he’s been in love for years now. Even if they’ve been officially dating for only a few weeks, it feels like it’s been this way for longer than that. Taehyung was ecstatic when he found out he’d be meeting his parents, and the whole thing made Jungkook so warm inside it almost felt like it was summer instead of winter.
“If anything, this was thanks to me ,” Seokjin says then, smugly leaning forward on the couch he’s sitting on. Hoseok pushes him and almost makes him fall to the floor, Namjoon immediately claiming to have it on tape (even if he’s using his phone) since he was filming a video for his snapchat story at the same time. He’s probably the only person left using that app nowadays.
Jungkook watches Jimin tell Yoongi he’s going to get some snacks from their kitchen and he uses that opportunity to stand up.
“Where are you going?” Taehyung asks, lower lip jutting out in a pout. “I’m cold.”
The younger laughs. “Just a sec, gotta go talk to Jimin about something,” he says, kissing the top of his head before trailing after his friend. He finds him struggling to reach a cupboard, the sight hilarious to him. He decides to help him out instead of teasing him though, opening it for him and laughing as Jimin startles.
“Fuck, you scared the shit out of me. Pass me the chips, asshole,” he tells him. Jungkook does as he’s told, watches as Jimin opens the bag and pours the contents into a bowl. After a moment of this though, his friend turns towards him. “Why are you staring at me as if you want to hug me? I will cut you.”
He smiles at his poor threat.
“I just...I wanted to uh, thank you,” he starts. “For everything you’ve done. You were right, from the very start. You knew Taehyung loved me and...it must’ve been hard, to watch me make all of those shitty decisions. I’m just really glad you’re my best friend and-” he doesn’t finish talking, the words leaving him as Jimin suddenly wraps his arms around him, hugging him so tightly it almost brings tears to his eyes. He hugs him back, sighing against him.
“I love you. It was hard because of how much I love you both. But I would do it all over again, okay? In a heartbeat. You know I’m here for anything, always.”
“Are you trying to make me cry?”
“Shut up, idiot. I’ll cry,” Jimin says as he lets go of him, and surely enough he watches as he wipes at something on his cheek. “Don’t look at me!”
Jungkook laughs. “You’re a loser. Let’s go.”
As they walk back towards his friends, he leans against the wall and watches them for a moment; Jimin placing the bowl of chips down on the table and all of his friends jumping at it as if it were the last meal they’ll ever get. Yoongi laughing as he wraps his arms around Jimin and whispers a question to his ear, one that makes Jimin nod and smile at him with bright eyes. Seokjin retelling a story about a friend they all know is probably someone they know, Hoseok kicking him every now and then even though they’re so similar it’s almost as if they were soulmates. Namjoon explaining in great detail his view on literally anything they speak about and discussing with such respect for the other person it makes Jungkook stare in awe.
And then his boyfriend, laying on the couch, pulling the blanket he has over his body until it reaches his chest, body doubling over in laughter at something Seokjin says. Taehyung seems to feel his eyes on him as their eyes meet and he smiles, winking his way and looking so beautiful it never fails to take his breath away.
He really has the best friends and best boyfriend he could ever ask for. He wonders when he got so lucky but then again...he deserves this. Even if some days it might be hard to accept that, to be able to call Yoongi pretty much every night and hear his advice and his biology facts and think ‘I deserve this’ , to get to hear Jimin’s jokes and his teasing and have his constant, unconditional support and think ‘I deserve this’ , to wake up to Taehyung by his side and his sleepy smile and his soft kisses and think ‘I deserve this’ .
But he’ll get there. He will.
The End.