We Failed Him

by SuperYoshiFan

Summary:

Following Steven’s transformation, the people in his life ponder how things managed to get so bad.

Chapter 1

Summary:

The night after Steven's transformation, Dr. Maheswaran informs the Crystal Gems about Steven's PTSD. The gems have a lot to think about...

“How is he, doc?” asked Amethyst.

“He’s displaying signs of severe fatigue,” replied Dr. Maheswaran, gesturing to Steven who was currently napping. He was barely able to stay awake when Priyanka examined him. “I suspect his transformation used up most of his energy, but it should come back soon as long as he gets regular rest. Physically, he should be fine in a few days, but emotionally, that’s a whole other issue.” She gave the Gems a not-so-subtle glare.

“Is this about when Steven went to the hospital?” asked Pearl rather sheepishly.

“Yes. Someone else will have to officially diagnose it, but I believe Steven is suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.”

The three Gems looked at her with confused expressions.

“Of course you don’t know what that is,” said the doctor. “When people experience trauma, the feelings they have don’t go away and can continue to cause stress and panic attacks. Steven’s outbursts and transformation were the result of this stress building up over time to the point where he couldn’t handle it anymore.” She sighed. “I asked Steven if he had any bad childhood experiences and his answer was quite astonishing.”

Garnet was the first of the Gems to figure out she meant. “There were a lot.”

Dr. Maheswaran told the Gems what Steven said when he was at the hospital. The Gems were outright horrified to learn how much pain they had unintentionally caused Steven. How Steven went through so many traumatic experiences when he was younger that he’s having trouble performing basic tasks. Their panic subsided a bit when the doctor mentioned she already recommended a therapist to Greg who could help Steven out. Eventually Priyanka left. She wanted to take her daughter with her, but Connie insisted she be able to stay the night.

Connie and Greg stayed with Steven as he slept, while the Crystal Gems all sat on the couch in the living room. Amethyst sat dejectedly, staring at the empty space where the wall used to be. Bismuth was going to come over tomorrow to rebuild it. Pearl sat with her arms around her knees, looking down at herself. Garnet was looking in the corner, not looking at anything in particular. She was shaking, barely holding together. Ruby and Sapphire’s mutual concern for Steven was the only thing keeping her fused.

Eventually Pearl decided to break the silence. “So Steven’s experienced a lot of trauma.”

“Yes,” was Garnet’s short reply.

“And most of it’s our fault?”

“Yes.”

“This sucks,” said Amethyst, talking for the first time since Dr. Maheswaran left. “How did this even happen?”

“He looked up to us but we were never mature enough for him,” said Garnet. “For too long we were the children and he was the parent.”

Pearl sighed. “I don’t know about the two of you, but I know I only cared about Rose for too long. By the time I started caring about Steven too much damage was done.”

Garnet nodded in agreement. “We thought we were complimenting him when we compared him to Rose, but we only made him feel inferior. The expectations we put on him were too much."

“Ugh!” yelled Amethyst. “I told you guys we’re bad at this. We should’ve just let Steven live with Greg. Yeah, Gem stuff freaks him out but he still would’ve done better than us.”

Pearl shook her head. “Greg wouldn’t have wanted Steven to live in a van for 16 years. That’s why we built the beach house.”

“Then he could’ve lived here too! There’s plenty of room, even before Bismuth upgraded it.”

“I wouldn’t have allowed it.” Pearl looked down at the floor, not wanting to look her fellow Gems in the eye. “You two know how I used to feel about Greg. Even if I was the only one who objected to him living here, I still would’ve found a way to prevent it. I’m… ashamed of how bitter I used to be.”

“Nah, you were salty, not bitter,” said Amethyst, trying to lighten the mood a little.

It didn’t work.

“What’s the difference? I was objectively horrible to Steven for years and don’t try to convince me otherwise.” The others looked at Pearl in shock. “It’s sad, isn’t it? I fought so long to be free, but once Rose was gone I acted like a Homeworld Pearl who lost her owner! And right now I’m making this about me when this should be about Steven!”

Garnet moved in to give Pearl a hug. “The only way he can get better is if we get better for him,” she said.

They didn’t speak much after that. Although they were silent, memories played out in each of their minds. Memories of the pain they caused their Steven.

“I’m so sorry. I almost got us killed.”

“Stop! Steven’s in there!”

“What? You fused!? Hey, this is dangerous!”

“Garnet, what do we do? Please, talk to me!"

“It wants to be with me!”

“You wanted to protect them, even from me. They made you feel like you had to take their side.”

“I’m a little tired of you guys telling me how I feel!”

“There’s never been anything or anyone like Steven. We don’t know what he needs.”

“I don’t understand! Is it… is it me?”

“This is exactly why I brought you.”

♪I will fight to be everything that everyone wants me to be when I’m grown♪

“Have you been trying to cheer me up this whole time?”

“Amethyst! He’s not ready!”

“I’m sick of everyone lying to me! Rose is my mom, out of anyone, don’t I deserve to know the truth!?”

“What do you know!? You’ve never even met her!”

“Of course I do. I’m… not Rose Quartz.”

“Why won’t you let me do this for you, ROSE!?"

Notes:

This chapter was edited so that "Gems" is capitalized.

Chapter 2

Summary:

Connie and Greg have a discussion.

Notes:

Per request, here is a chapter about Connie and Greg.

“You should get some sleep.”

It had been ten minutes since Dr. Maheswaran left. Connie and Greg sat in Steven’s room, watching him sleep peacefully for the first time in a long time. Neither they nor the Gems felt comfortable leaving him by himself so soon after his transformation.

“No, I’m good.” Connie’s reply was short, but firm.

“You shouldn’t tire yourself out for his sake,” said Greg. “It’s not healthy. I’ve got lots of experience making it through the night without sleep. Let me watch him.”

“No. I’m not leaving him. We’re jam buds.”

“Jam buds?”

Connie chuckled a little. “It’s this song we wrote a few years ago. I’m the strawberry and he’s the biscuit. It shows that we can accomplish anything together.”

“Huh, You kids really are perfect for each other. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised he proposed to you.”

Connie groaned. “It hurt so much to turn him down. And I do want to marry him, I love him so much, but we’re too young.” She sighed. “He probably didn’t even know that.”

Greg nervously ran a hand through what was left of his hair. “I suppose that’s my fault. I grew up having to follow a lot of stupid rules.”

“Ugh, tell me about it.”

“Yeah, your folks used to be a lot like mine. I had to do everything they said and couldn’t follow my dreams. When I was twenty I had enough and ditched them. I’ve been living in my van ever since. When Steven was born I made sure to give him the freedom my parents never gave me, but now I know that wasn’t the best idea.” Greg looked down at his hands and idly twiddled his thumbs. “The day after he was in the hospital I took him up to the house I grew up in and told him about my past. I thought my story would encourage him to choose his own path in life, but he just got mad that I had a ‘normal’ life and he didn’t. I guess I—"

He was interrupted by yelling from downstairs. He and Connie couldn’t discern any words, but it sounded like Pearl. “I think my mom scolded them for all the life-threatening situations they put Steven through,” mused Connie. “I think they sometimes forgot he's only half-Gem.”

Greg sighed. “Anyway, I probably should’ve given him a ‘normal’ life, that’s what Rose wanted for him. But I was just afraid the minute I took him to a hospital someone would report him and the men in black would take him away.”

“I suppose that’s a reasonable fear.”

“Yeah. A couple of times I considered enrolling him in school just to see what would happen, but I didn’t since I knew the Gems would accuse me of stealing him. They didn’t really like me until a few years ago.”

“Would Steven have wanted that?”

Greg shook his head. “Steven always loved the Gems. He tried so hard to be like them that I think he forgot what it’s like to be human.”

“It’s not like the two of us were helping him,” said Connie, somewhat bitterly.

“Huh?”

“When we used to do that ‘human beings’ handshake, we were just excluding him.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“I think once he started getting his powers he finally felt useful. He didn’t want the Gems to think he was useless so he just started repressing his feelings.” A few tears appeared in Connie’s eyes. “I should’ve seen this coming.”

“What are you talking about?”

“A few years ago we were training as Stevonnie but they lost focus because of my guilt after I accidentally hurt a classmate really bad. After that Garnet taught us this meditative technique that really helped me. The next time Stevonnie trained the same thing happened because of Steven’s guilt. Stevonnie saw all the enemy Gems Steven couldn’t reason with, and then they saw Rose angrily looking down on them.”

“Oh geez…”

“Yeah, it was bad. They unfused, and Steven was crying, and I told him that he had to think about bad things and accept that they happen if he wanted to feel better. I thought he got better after that, but of course he didn’t. Everything that happened on Homeworld was so much worse than that. What White did to him was the most traumatic thing I’ve ever experienced and it didn’t even happen to me…”

Connie’s tears started freely flowing at that point. Greg quickly moved to give her a hug. Her crying ceased a bit after that.

“Thank you.” She sniffled. “Stevonnie’s been perfectly stable ever since then. I think Steven’s gotten better at repressing feelings, or at least at not letting anyone else feel them when he's in a fusion.”

“Hmm. Your mom recommended a therapist for him to see. She said talking about it with a professional should have positive results. She also gave me quite the dressing down for never taking him to the doctor, but I guess I deserve it.”

“Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself. Steven won’t feel better if he’s surrounded by negative people.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” Greg gave Connie another hug. “Steven’s lucky to have a friend like you.” 

Connie smiled and returned the hug.

"But seriously, you should get some sleep."

Notes:

I’ve accepted the fanon that the Gems don’t know about what happened with White Diamond but I think Steven may have told Greg. He seems like the person who would freak out the least. (He’d definitely freak out, but he wouldn’t get violent.)

Chapter 3

Summary:

The B-Team wishes they'd done more to help Steven.

Notes:

Rating changed to T thanks to language in this chapter. (Let’s be honest, Lapis probably swears a lot)

“Is all that material for fixing the beach house?” Peridot pointed at the pile of windows and wooden beams Bismuth had gathered in her forge.

“Yeah,” said the rainbow-haired Gem, “the entire front wall was destroyed. But I don’t mind. It’s not like it’s the first time I’ve had to rebuild it.”

“I can help! You will certainly need a lot of nails and rivets, and my exceptional ferrokinesis will come in handy… I hope." Peridot suddenly felt a lot smaller than usual. “I just want to see Steven.”

After Steven was safely settled in his bed back at the beach house, Garnet told the B-team, the Diamonds, and Spinel to leave since Steven might not react well to a large crowd. There were protests all around, but ultimately everyone agreed for Steven’s sake.

“I’m sure Steven would love to see you,” said Bismuth, “and Lapis too.”

Bismuth and Peridot looked over at Lapis, who had been sulking in a corner for hours.

“What’s the point?” she asked, speaking for the first time since they arrived back at Little Homeworld. “All we’ve done is mess him up.”

“Hey, don’t say that,” said Bismuth.

“But it’s true! Steven became a monster because of all the shit he’s been through, right? And we’re a part of that! We’ve all tried to kill him at some point, and I’ve joked about that like it was nothing! And it doesn’t matter that we’ve apologized, the damage is still there.”

By this point Lapis had shed a few tears. Once Peridot saw this, she immediately ran toward Lapis and crushed her with a big hug.

“Lapis…”

“Peri…”

They stayed like that for a couple of minutes before Peridot let go and sat down next to Lapis. Bismuth took this as her cue to sit down on the other side of Lapis and gave her a calming pat on the back. “It’s okay. Let it all out.”

“Alright,” the blue Gem sighed. “I’m probably the Gem who can relate to his condition the most. I think it’s similar to what I went through after the mirror and Malachite and all that garbage. He helped me work through my trauma, so I should’ve returned the favor, but I was selfish like always.” Lapis paused for a few seconds to collect her thoughts. “I didn’t even notice he was going through any of this. The last time I saw him before today we went to some planet to deal with these other Lapises—I call them Curly and Freckles. He seemed a little stressed out but he definitely handled the situation better than me. I thought he was fine…”

“At least you have an excuse,” muttered Peridot.

“What do you mean?” asked Lapis, surprised.

“I knew a little about Steven’s issues but I didn’t take them as seriously as I should have. We were watching the Camp Pining Hearts reboot a couple of weeks ago.”

“Ugh, that was awful,” said Lapis, remembering the tape Peridot showed her.

“Yeah, it was. Anyway, we were complaining when suddenly Steven’s dream from the previous night started broadcasting on the TV. Apparently that never happened before.”

“Man, that kid’s always discovering new powers,” said Bismuth.

“He’s done weird things with his dreams before,” said Lapis. “This is just the next step, I guess.”

“So I came up with a brilliant idea,” said Peridot, having shifted fully into storyteller mode. “If Steven and I wrote our own reboot, he could dream about it and I could record it on the TV! The dreams were normal at first, but soon they were about Steven and how he doesn’t know how to live without something to fix and how everyone’s leaving him.”

The three Gems were silent for a bit. Bismuth couldn’t think of anything to say. All Lapis could say was “ouch”.

“I wanted to respect his privacy but I should have told Garnet or Pearl about this. Maybe things would have gone differently.”

Peridot sniffled a little and was promptly hugged by her companions. “Thank you.”

“No problem,” replied Bismuth. I guess I’m in the same boat as you, Tiny. We were at the roller rink and Steven was saying he forgot how to talk to humans and he wasn’t sure if he was still friends with Connie. I tried to set him straight, you know? I told him that just because he and Connie were doing different things in life that doesn’t mean they’re not friends anymore.” She sighed. “I thought he got better but I guess not. Greg said Steven proposed to Connie two days after that so I suppose he took my advice too seriously.”

“This really sucks,” said Lapis.

“Indeed,” mused Peridot. “Steven’s done so much because he’s a hybrid but that has also caused numerous unforeseen issues.”

“That’s how it was with Rose. She was always good at coming up with plans but not seeing the long-term consequences.” Bismuth chuckled a little. “It would be nice if there was another hybrid though, so Steven wouldn’t feel so alone.”

“Plenty of Gems here are friendly with humans,” said Lapis. “It’ll happen eventually.”

“Yes,” said Peridot. “One day I will have answers to my many questions.”

“Questions?”

“Well, according to Steven’s tape, Pink Diamond carried Steven in her abdomen just like a human mother. However, is this indicative of all Gems or is it simply due to the location of her gemstone? If Pearl gets pregnant would the baby be located in her head? Is carrying a baby something all Gems can…”

Notes:

Not gonna lie, I kind of forgot about this but then I got a comment and I was like "Oh, right."

The final chapter will be about the Diamonds (and Spinel).

Chapter 4

Summary:

Steven’s breakdown leads the Diamonds to have an existential crisis.

The Diamonds and Spinel all wanted to stay with Steven, but ultimately accepted Garnet’s request that he see as few people as possible until he’s had some time to recover.

“Are you sure there isn’t anything we can do to help?” asked Blue. “We just want to be useful.”

“We need more Diamond essence,” the fusion replied. “We… unexpectedly ran out a few days ago.”

Garnet’s tone made it clear she didn’t want to talk about why they ran out of essence so suddenly. Luckily the Diamonds recognized this and didn’t press for more information.

It was a long and quiet ride back to Homeworld. Normally trips on the Diamond ship were filled with energy and excitement, but currently the only sound present was the faint humming of the engines. Yellow wished she had something to work on to take her mind off of Steven, White was doing some meditative exercises to ease the negative thoughts building up in her own mind, and Blue was just trying to keep her emotions in check. It had been two years since she last forced her sadness into someone, and the last thing she wanted was a relapse. White and Yellow could certainly handle it, but Spinel… 

Spinel had never felt like this before. Oh, she’d definitely been sad before, but that was more of an “angry sad”, compared to her current “lethargic sad”. All of her usual energy had disappeared, and all she could do was silently mope.

Once the ship (or is it ships?) landed, the four Gems disembarked and made their way to the extraction chamber. Spinel didn’t have to come with the Diamonds, but she didn’t want to be alone and sad at the same time ever again.

The atmosphere in the chamber was rather tense. Everyone knew they had to discuss Steven’s transformation but no one wanted to start the conversation. Eventually the silence became too much for Spinel.

“Do you think he’ll be okay?”

“I don’t know,” said White, after a long silence. “When I let him into my head, I sensed that he has been unwell for a long time. I think all the negative thoughts he had about himself and Pink and us built up over time before they just exploded.” She sighed. “He wound up just like us.”

“Tall?” asked Spinel.

“A monster.”

“Oh.”

“The three of us… we all think we’ve changed, but two years of peace doesn’t make up for millennia of conquest. Things would’ve been so much better if we never existed, since all we did was cause destruction without a cause.”

“Where are you going with this, White?” asked Yellow, feeling pretty uneasy about the whole situation.

“The only reason we colonized planets was to make more Gems, and once those Gems were made we would move on to another planet and repeat the process. There was truly no purpose to what we did, no end goal. How many Gems did we shatter? How many organic creatures perished simply because we deemed them inferior to Gem life?”

“Too many,” replied Blue.

“Yes,” said Yellow. “We committed so many crimes but Steven received the punishment.”

White nodded. “Precisely. What I’m still trying to figure out is why. Why did we do it?”

“We thought it was right,” said Blue.

“Well yes, but why was that?” White awkwardly looked down at herself. She hadn’t looked that vulnerable since Steven told her off two years ago. “Sometimes I wonder how I came to be. I truly have no idea. All other Gems emerged with an alleged purpose, but not me. I was alone, and since I was the only one around I just assumed I was superior. But was that my natural thought? I made everyone follow my rules, but were those rules even mine? Was I just following someone else’s programming for thousands of years?”

“I… never really thought of it like that” muttered Yellow. “So we have a creator?”

“Most likely, yes. I don’t know who or what they could be but we could’ve just been their pawns all this time. Perhaps they’re long gone, or perhaps they’re out there somewhere, looking down on us for breaking our programming.”

“Maybe we were supposed to get better?” asked Blue.

“That is the optimistic thought,” said Yellow. “But then why was Pink so much better than us?”

“I don’t know,” said White. “I used to think I could control everything, so Pink was an anomaly. We were mindless drones but somehow she was truly alive. She was able to experience things no other Gem had before. And she brought thousands of other Gems to life in the process. Of course she made some mistakes, but everything we did was a mistake. We… are mistakes.”

Blue reached a hand out toward White which the larger Gem silently accepted. “White, being negative all the time won’t do you any good. We can’t change what we’ve done, but we can continue to better ourselves.”

Yellow grasped White’s other hand in hers. “Blue’s right. Today’s experience has certainly proven there’s a lot we don’t know about Steven, but I do know he wouldn’t want us to mope around all day. One day he’ll feel comfortable enough to talk to us again, and I think that will be sooner rather than later.”

Spinel decided it was time to wrap the Diamonds in a giant hug. “Yeah! He’ll be a big ball of sunshine again!”

White leaned into the hug. “Thank you, everyone. I’m… still not fully used to such kindness.” The hug tightened a little. “Stars, what would Pink think if she saw us now?”

“She would be proud,” remarked Yellow.

---

An undetectable wispy presence explores the cosmos. For nearly seventeen years all it has been able to do is observe, although it has tried to intervene on numerous occasions. The Diamonds’ discussion was one of many it had watched over throughout the years.

 

 

“I am.”

Notes:

This chapter definitely went in a different direction than the others but I hope you liked it regardless.