Chapter Text
“This is gorgeous, Bobby,” Ray said, taking in the vista before him.
He and Bobby were sitting on the deck of Bobby’s cabin on Devils River in Southwest Texas. His cottage was located deep in the wilderness, a good hour and a half away from the closest town. It was perched on a cliff overlooking the pristine water of the river. It was so clear you could see all the way down to the bottom, like looking through blue glass. There were stairs leading down to the flat rocks on the water’s edge, where short, scrubby bush half-hid the canoe and two kayaks he and Bobby had placed there earlier in the day. Ostensibly, they were there for a fishing trip, but considering he hadn’t noticed any poles included in the gear they’d brought, Ray thought the fishing part might be in doubt.
“Glad you like it.” Bobby raised his can of beer in a small toast, then settled back in his chair. It was only late afternoon, but the sun still went down quickly in February. Already the shadows were lengthening, preparing for the evening to come. “I’ve wanted to bring you out here for a while.”
Ray ducked his head in acknowledgement. “I wish I could’ve come sooner.” He didn’t need to explain why that hadn’t happened. Bobby had bought the cabin just a few months before Rose had gotten sick. There just hadn’t been any time.
“It’s nice to get away, sometimes.” Bobby sighed. “LA’s great, but man there are a lot of people.”
“I hear you,” Ray acknowledged. “It can be hard to find a quiet place.”
“What, your house isn’t quiet?” Bobby smirked.
Ray laughed, enjoying Bobby’s humour and the way the afternoon light played across his face. His friend had always been handsome, and age hadn’t diminished that. In fact, he looked better than he had when he was young: more content. Ray let himself admire Bobby’s aesthetics, wishing he had his camera. “It can be, but usually when all the kids are asleep.”
Bobby shook his head. “Teenagers and their bad sleep habits.”
“Is getting Carrie to sleep a problem?” Ray raised his eyebrows. He remembered when she was younger and would sleep over with Julie and Flynn at their house. Rose was always able to get them down in minutes.
“Oh, hell yeah,” Bobby said with a grimace. “She’s become a total night owl. Which she got from me, I’m sure. But it means she’s exhausted half the time, and the weekends are spent with her sleeping until noon.”
“At least she gets up at noon. I’m lucky if I see any of the boys before 1:00 p.m.!” Ray laughed. "Willie's not quite as bad. But most of the time the other three are dragging their asses in from the studio, rubbing their eyes with their hair everywhere."
“Let me guess, they’re writing music to all hours?” Bobby chuckled.
“That, or practicing, or out at some bar where they really shouldn’t be playing until they’re at least twenty-one.”
Bobby laughed at that. “Just like me and Rose.”
Ray smiled sadly at the mention of his late wife. “I forgot she was only nineteen when we all met. God, you were only seventeen! How many rum and cokes did I buy you?”
“Too many.” Bobby grinned.
Ray smiled and took a sip of his beer. The liquid was still cool despite the warmth of the late afternoon. He thought back to those days. Bobby had been devastated from the death of his bandmates. It’d probably aged him in ways Ray wasn’t even aware of. No wonder he hadn’t been carded.
Bobby was probably thinking about those days, too, if his solemn expression was anything to go by. “You know, I never really thanked you.”
Ray looked at him quizzically. “Thanked me? What for?”
“For being there, when I was falling apart,” Bobby said. “For buying me those rum and cokes. For not letting me get so close to the edge I couldn’t come back.”
Ray lowered his beer. He hadn’t expected to hear that. “I think it was more Rose than me.”
“Maybe at first? But after we became friends, it was definitely both of you. And after she died…” Bobby shook his head.
Ray swallowed. He remembered holding Bobby at Rose’s funeral while the other man sobbed in his arms. He’d forced Bobby and Carrie to sleep at his house afterwards, even though Carrie and Julie weren’t speaking. He hadn't felt comfortable with Bobby being alone. “It was a rough time for all of us,” he said finally.
Bobby nodded. “How are the boys?” he asked, clearly ready for a change of topic.
Ray couldn’t help his smile. “So great. They’ve all been doing really well.”
“Under your excellent parenting,” Bobby raised his beer can in a salute.
Ray laughed. “I’m not sure I’d go with excellent, but so far, so good.”
“They did a great job on Friday. And the chemistry between Julie and Luke! It’s crazy.” Bobby shook his head in admiration.
“You sound like a proud papa,” Ray said with a grin.
“I am. I’m proud of all of them. But none of them know what life’s going to be like when they’re famous. When the band’s famous,” Bobby said. “The people who just throw themselves at you—” he broke off, shaking his head. “Maybe I’m just projecting.”
“Sounds like you’re speaking from experience.”
“I am.” Bobby nodded. “There were a lot of people who wanted a piece of me after I got famous. But all they wanted was my looks and my talent. They didn’t care about me, you know?”
“Is that why you kept coming home to me and Rose?” Ray asked. “I wondered what the attraction was of a happily married couple and their middle-class life.”
“The attraction was the happily married couple and your middle-class life,” Bobby said. “Rose could’ve been a rockstar, but she chose a quieter life with you. It reminded me that not everyone was shallow; that real love could exist. It gave me hope, you know?”
“I didn’t know,” Ray said, touched. “But I’m glad we could be that for you.”
“You and Rose have always been the most important people to me. Besides my boys,” Bobby said. “Check that, you are the most important. Because you knew me without Alex, Luke and Reggie. You knew me at my worst and loved me anyway.” He took a long drink of beer, clearly embarrassed for what he’d said.
“Same,” Ray said quietly. “I don’t think I would’ve gotten through Rose’s illness, or her death, without you.”
“Hell of a bond, yeah?” Bobby said with a bitter smile.
“Life sucks, and people die,” Ray said on a sigh. “But here’s to friendship.” He held out his can.
“Here’s to friendship.” Bobby clinked the cans together and then tipped his head back to finish his beer. He stood. “Can I get you another?”
“Please.”
Bobby nodded again and then went back inside. He returned a moment later with an acoustic guitar across his back and a different craft beer for each of them.
“This one’s more like an ale,” Bobby explained as he handed it to Ray. “Let me know if you like it.”
“Thanks.” Ray took the offered can and popped the top, taking a sip. “I like it.”
Bobby beamed at him, and for a moment he looked so much younger that Ray caught his breath. It was so good to see him happy. Bobby put his beer down, swung his guitar around to his chest and sat back in his chair, strumming a chord. “Feel for a song?”
Ray grinned. “Always.”
Bobby smiled again, and Ray found himself looking away. How had he forgotten how attractive Bobby was? He took another, longer drink of beer.
Bobby began playing “Heart of Ashes.”
"I can’t fill the space where your love used to be.
It’s like a fire’s burned out the heart of me…"
His voice was low and melodic, slightly deeper than when he’d been eighteen and played it for the first time. Ray closed his eyes to listen, immediately drawn into the melancholy lyrics. Even though he’d heard it hundreds of times, he was constantly surprised by the song's depth of emotion. It was amazing to think Bobby had written it when he was seventeen.
Then again, he’d heard the music Julie and her band had created. Age didn’t always have a lot to do with maturity.
"Heart of ashes.
Heart of ashes.
Nothing left inside but the ashes of my heart."
The last notes spun away into the gathering dusk, as lovely and tragic as a broken heart. Ray sighed. “Dios. I keep forgetting how beautiful that song is.”
Bobby smiled. “Anything you like is Rose.”
Ray could hear his wife’s influence, but the song itself was pure Bobby. “We both know that’s not true.”
“You know, the proudest moment of my life was standing on that stage, accepting the Grammy with her,” Bobby said. “Didn’t even matter that I didn’t win album of the year.”
“I remember,” Ray said. “She looked so stunning that night. You both did.”
“Yeah?” Bobby flashed him a grin. “Why, Ray, I didn’t think you noticed.”
Ray laughed. “Good-looking guy like you? Sure, I noticed. You and Rose looked perfect together.”
“You and Rose were perfect together,” Bobby said. “Couple goals before that was even a thing.”
“Thanks. We sure had to work for it,” Ray said. “I mean, you knew what happened that New Years.”
“How could I forget?” Bobby raised his eyebrows with a chuckle. “You nearly blew it.”
“So bad!” Ray laughed. He took another drink of his beer, enjoying the bitter taste. “Gracias a Dios you didn’t take advantage of my stupidity.”
“I thought about it,” Bobby said. “She kissed me that night. She ever tell you that?”
Ray slowly put down his beer. “You kissed Rose?”
Bobby grimaced. “She didn’t tell you. Shit. Never mind. Forget I brought it up.”
Ray looked starkly at Bobby. He’d been scared Rose had secretly been in love with Bobby for years. Terrified, actually. He’d dismissed it as jealous ravings after they’d gotten married. But maybe he hadn’t been wrong. “No, no. I think we should talk about this.”
Bobby started strumming his guitar again, a quick melody that Ray immediately recognized as being from Sunset Curve’s acoustic album. “It wasn’t anything.”
“She kissed you!” Ray insisted. “How can that be nothing?”
“Because she called me by your name?” Bobby said wryly. “She only did it because she was off her ass drunk and you’d basically told her you thought she was in love with me. It made a strange kind of sense.”
Ray blinked. “So she kissed you—”
“To check to see if she was in love with me. Which, surprise, surprise, she wasn’t. Probably for the best, really. I was such a fucking mess back then.”
Ray settled back in his chair, thinking about what Bobby had just said. The shadows had lengthened further around them as the sun set, casting the sky in oranges and yellows. A bird called mournfully in the distance. There was no other sound but the soft strumming of Bobby’s guitar. “Yeah, you were,” Ray said, not unkindly. “I can’t even imagine how awful it must’ve been for you.”
“I think you got pretty close when Rose was dying,” Bobby said in the same wry tone. “She wasn’t in love with me,” he repeated. “She never lied to you about that.”
“I didn’t think she had,” Ray said honestly. He’d always worried she’d figure out she actually loved Bobby and leave him, but he knew she’d never cheat. Rose was loving and loyal to her bones.
“Besides, it was over twenty-five years ago,” Bobby said. “Water under the bridge.”
“Water under the bridge,” Ray repeated. Bobby was right. It really was ancient history. He took another drink of his beer, thinking of his wife and his best friend kissing. The image was kind of hot, if he thought about it. Bobby was just hot in general. He frowned and looked at the front of his beer can, wondering if it was just the alcohol talking. “What’s the percentage on these?”
“They’re Canadian. So a lot?” Bobby said with a shrug. He eyed Ray. “Why? are you feeling it?”
“I’ve only had two,” Ray said.
“Lightweight.” Bobby laughed. “Want another?”
“Sure.” Ray smiled at him.
“I’ll see what I’ve got.” Bobby stood and gave his guitar to Ray before heading back inside.
Ray strummed on the guitar with the few chords Rose and Bobby had taught him. His fingers plucked out a simple chord progression to a Spanish song he’d learned as a child. He began to sing, his voice lower and raspier than Bobby’s had been. Ray knew he wasn’t a terrible singer, but his voice was good for car radio sing-alongs and lullabies. He’d never have the same talent as the people he loved.
Bobby came back out and sat down, listening to Ray’s amateur attempts on the instrument. “Not bad,” he said when Ray had finished. “We’ll make you a performer yet.”
Ray chuckled. “You don’t need to lie to me.”
“You’re not bad, seriously. I’ve heard a lot worse. I’ve produced a lot worse. It’s amazing what record execs think will sell.” Bobby handed Ray a beer and took the guitar back.
Ray cracked the top and raised his can in a toast, which Bobby returned. “You know, what you said before, about everyone wanting a piece of you? That’s why Rose gave up performing.”
“I remember talking it over with her.” Bobby leaned forward in his chair. “It was after she got pregnant with Julie, and some fucking dick of a reporter asked if the baby was yours.”
“He’s lucky I wasn’t there.” Ray felt the familiar flare of anger from that memory. “But she was so good at it. I always wondered if she was actually okay with giving it all up. Even for Julie.”
“She didn’t tell me anything she didn’t tell you, if that’s what you’re asking. And there were a lot of singers who benefited. Her song writing… “ He shook his head. “If I had a quarter of her talent.”
“I think you’ve done okay,” Ray said with a smile.
Bobby accepted the compliment with a small shrug, like he didn’t quite believe it. “Luke’s talented like that. Julie too. Julie and the Phantoms is going to be huge.”
“You think so?” Ray asked. He’d thought that as well, but hearing it from Bobby made it feel more real.
“Fuck yeah,” Bobby said instantly. “Those three boys and Julie are all insanely talented. And that, combined with Luke’s Gift? They’d be fucking unstoppable. The trick will be keeping their rise slow enough so they don’t get overwhelmed by it all.”
Ray nodded. “That makes a lot of sense.”
“Yeah. And that’s why I’m not making a demo for them until they all graduate high school. They can work with me as my studio musicians and learn about the industry that way. They’ll be plenty of time for fame and fortune when they’re over nineteen.”
Ray raised his eyebrows, impressed. “You really are the band uncle.”
“I know this industry,” Bobby said, “and it can be hella ugly. The longer they get to be kids, the better.”
“I’m glad you’re going to be shepherding them through it,” Ray said sincerely. “Means a lot.”
“It’s what I wished I had. Someone to guide me and Rose, you know?” He took a swig of his beer.
“You and Rose had each other,” Ray said.
“And you.” Bobby said with a grin. “We had you, too.”
Ray was fucking gorgeous.
Bobby had known it for a while. Hell, he’d probably had a small crush on him since they’d first met decades ago. But somehow over the years he’d forgotten.
But now, sitting together on the deck of his cabin, with the late afternoon sunlight reflecting off Ray’s incredible blue eyes, Bobby couldn’t help but notice.
He bit his lip and focussed on his guitar, strumming a few verses of “Get Lost,” one of the peppier Sunset Curve songs. The pace matched the rhythm of his heartbeat; quick and pounding.
Don’t make this awkward, he admonished himself. Ray was straight, and mostly likely still mourning the death of the love of his life. It would be all kinds of wrong for Bobby to hit on him.
But damn, he wanted to.
“That’s nice of you to say.” Ray said thoughtfully. “That I helped when you and Rose were dealing with all the industry shit. I always felt like I didn’t really know how to help.”
“You always know how to help,” Bobby said. “It’s like a Gift.”
Ray laughed. “I’m definitely not Gifted.”
“But you helped me. Helped pick up my pieces. Just by being there.” Bobby said, wanting Ray to understand. “Knowing you cared was enough.”
“I hope so. Because I did care. Still do.” Ray smiled and Bobby caught his breath. He was ridiculously handsome.
“That’s nice,” Bobby said inanely. He started playing “My Name is Luke,” mostly to give himself something else to focus on besides Ray.
Ray sighed in contentment and looked out over the river. The sunset illuminated the curve of his cheekbone with a golden kiss. For a brief second, Bobby wished he could trace the path with his lips, but he shook it away.
Damn, Ray was cute. Could Bobby even think of another grown-ass man as cute? Should cute even be part of his vocabulary? He almost wished Carrie was there to ask. That was the kind of stuff she’d know. He cleared his throat, wracking his brain for a safe topic that wouldn’t reveal his growing attraction. “So, any thoughts on dating?” He asked. His cheeks heated. That was not a safe topic.
“Dating?” Ray’s eyebrows drew down, then he shook his head, eyes landing on the wooden deck at their feet. “No.”
Bobby winced at the pain in Ray’s expression. “It’s too soon. Sorry. I shouldn’t’ve asked.”
“That’s not really it?” Ray rubbed the back of his neck in a gesture he must’ve picked up from Luke. “Rose and I talked about it, before she died. She said she wanted me to date, and sooner rather than later. She didn’t want me to wait for happiness.”
“Sounds like Rose,” Bobby said. Trust Rose to want to give Ray a sense of the future, even after she was gone.
“Rose was the best,” Ray said, tone wistful. “It’s just hard to imagine finding another woman like her, you know? Makes me not even want to look.”
What about a man? Bobby didn’t say it out loud. Even if Ray did like both men and woman, Bobby couldn’t have been more different than Rose if he’d tried. Where she was sweet, generous and open, Bobby was rough and closed. He was in therapy to learn how to talk about how he was feeling for Christ's sake. He'd be the last person Ray would want. “I get that,” he said instead. “Rose was definitely one of a kind.”
“But I’m lonely, you know?” Ray said softly. He shifted the beer can hand to hand. “I miss having someone there at the end of the day. Someone to share my stories with. The highs and the lows. The kids are great, but…”
“It’s not nearly the same," Bobby finished for him. "You know, you can always call me, if you want to share some of those stories.” He hoped his voice didn’t betray how much he’d like that.
“I thought I did? I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve called you to bitch about the boys.”
“I didn’t mean just about the boys,” Bobby said. “I meant about anything.”
“You want to hear about my day?” Ray laughed.
“Yeah, I would,” Bobby said honestly. “We used to be a lot closer before Julie and Carrie had their falling out. I’d like to get back there.”
“I thought we were,” Ray said. “At least, I don’t feel like our relationship is any different?”
Then why do I want to sleep with you? Bobby asked himself. He sighed, hoping the desire didn’t show on his face. “That’s good. Because I don’t want it to be.”
“Is that why you invited me out here? To repair our relationship?” Ray asked. “Because you really didn’t need to.”
“It kind of is?” Bobby said with a small smile. “I wasn’t sure where we were at, to be honest. The way Carrie treated Julie—"
“Has nothing to do with our relationship,” Ray said definitively. “You’re my best friend.”
Bobby’s smile broadened. “Glad I invited you fishing, then.”
Ray smiled, brighter than the setting sun. “But we don’t have any fishing poles.”
“I’m a vegetarian,” Bobby said.
Ray couldn’t sleep.
It was ironic, really, considering the small cabin was beautifully designed for sleeping. The huge window overlooking the river had a curtain that kept out the moonlight. The bed was ridiculously comfortable, and the only sound was the low hum of the air conditioner and the beating of Ray’s heart.
Because Ray’s heart was beating like he was a teenager with a crush and the object of his affections was sleeping in the next room.
He knew Bobby was bisexual; had known it for their entire relationship. Ray had never thought about Bobby’s sexuality in any way, shape or form. Until tonight.
But Ray was straight. He’d only ever dated women. He’d married one. Sure, he knew when guys were attractive, but he was a photographer, an artist. Artists could recognize when people were beautiful, regardless of their gender. He was a straight man who recognized when another man was attractive. That was all.
Except he couldn’t stop thinking about the way Bobby’s shoulders stretched out the fabric of his T-shirt when he’d been strumming the guitar, or the way his voice rumbled through Ray’s body when he sang, or the way his fingers moved over the neck of his instrument: solid and sure and sexy as hell…
“Dios.” Ray muttered, forearm over his eyes. He was a forty-six-year-old man. A straight forty-six-year-old man. He should not be fantasizing about having sex with his best friend. Or kissing his well-shaped lips, wondering what a beard would feel like against his cheeks.
“Joder!” Ray muttered. Even though the room was a perfect temperature, he was way too hot to sleep. He needed some water and a head shake, and probably not in that order. He got up and pulled his jeans on over his underwear, leaving them unbuttoned. He couldn’t see his T-shirt in the dark so he left it. Bobby was probably sleeping like a baby in the room next door, completely unaware of the crisis Ray was going through.
Although he wasn’t going through a crisis. There was nothing to crisis about. He was straight. The fact he found Bobby incredibly alluring was just his artist’s eye. That was all. He just needed some water and to calm the fuck down.
He left the small room and entered the cabin’s main area. It was designed as a large rectangle with a set of stairs leading to an upper level. Each floor had two bedrooms and a bathroom right off the main space, which meant all floors had an incredible view of the river. It was beautiful and very private, but Ray wondered how lonely it would feel coming here alone.
He padded barefoot across the smooth wooden floor to the kitchen, which was well-apportioned but modest, considering the wealth of its owner. He got a glass out of the cupboard, filled it up with the filtered water in the fridge and then turned to sit at the table. There was enough light from the moon, Ray didn’t need to turn the lights on to see, but he still startled badly when he saw Bobby was already sitting down.
“Bobby?”
“Sorry,” Bobby said with a wince as he moved his guitar from his lap to lean against his chair. “Did my playing wake you?” There was a notebook and pen sitting on the table in front of him. He had his reading glasses on and he gave off such a hot teacher vibe that Ray had to take a moment.
“Oh, no,” he said finally. “I didn’t even hear it. I just couldn’t sleep.”
Bobby smirked. “I know the feeling.” He gestured at the chair opposite him, and Ray sat. He nursed the glass of cold water in his hands, trying to pretend he wasn’t staring at his host.
Bobby was wearing a summer pajama set in a soft-looking cloth. The bottoms only came down to his knees and the top had short sleeves and buttoned up, but Bobby had left the top undone, exposing his well-formed torso to the soft touch of the moonlight. Ray had an instant thought of tracing the path of moonlight with his hands. He took a long drink of water. It was shockingly cold, which helped with the feverish workings of his mind. He cleared his throat, his mouth still dry despite just drinking. “What are you working on?”
Bobby shrugged, an attractive movement of his partially bare chest. “I’ve been really inspired, ever since the boys came back. I’m kind of envisioning a follow-up album to 'Ruins of the Fire', you know? Like something good coming back from the ashes.”
Ray got it immediately. “Like a phoenix from the flames?”
“Yeah!” Bobby’s teeth glinted in the moonlight as he smiled. “That’s exactly what I was thinking.”
Ray moved his chair closer, unable to keep his distance. “What do you have?”
“So far, not much. The finished songs are back in LA.” He gave Ray the notebook.
Ray squinted at it, just being able to make out the words if he tilted the page into the moonlight. It was a beautiful lyric, about the pain of loss and the desperation of longing suddenly turning into the joy of reunion and a love reborn. Ray had no real idea how it would’ve felt for Bobby to get his friends back, but after reading the few verses, he felt he’d been given a window into his friend’s soul. He cleared his throat as he handed the paper back. “This is beautiful.”
“You think so?” Bobby beamed at him. “I’ve been struggling with it a little. It’s hard to find the words for all of it, you know?”
“It must have been completely overwhelming, them showing up like they did.”
“You have no idea,” Bobby said. “I honestly thought I was losing my mind.”
Ray winced at the pain lacing Bobby’s voice. “I’m sorry. I should’ve told you they were alive back in September, instead of letting them surprise you like that months later. I didn’t even think about it. I’m sorry.”
“I think you had a lot going on," Bobby said. "Like suddenly having to take care of four teenagers as well as your two kids. I get why it might’ve slipped your mind.”
“They also never mentioned you," Ray said, grimacing. "I should’ve realized they were doing it on purpose. They didn't want to talk about you, because they were so scared your life had been shit because they died. But I only found that out later. I should’ve realized something was going on and asked them about it. I really let you down. I’m sorry.”
Bobby took off his glasses, his dark eyes met Ray’s. “Thanks Ray,” he said quietly. “Means a lot.”
“You’ve been through so much,” Ray said softly. “You’ve lost so much. And even when the boys came back, it hurt. You never deserved any of it. I’m so sorry.” He put his hand on Bobby’s.
“Thanks,” Bobby said again. He turned his hand over and laced their fingers together, squeezing gently.
Ray’s heart skipped a beat even while he went perfectly still. He’d never held another man’s hand in his entire life, other than his father's. Carlos certainly didn’t count.
Bobby, probably sensing his uncertainty, let go and put his hand on his lap. Ray didn’t know if he was relieved or disappointed.
They lapsed into silence. Ray nursed his water, unwilling to leave but unsure if he should stay. He was so incredibly aware of Bobby: The way his hair, no longer in a ponytail, fell loose across his forehead, the way the muscles in his forearm moved as he wrote another line for the song. The way his sculpted chest moved as he breathed. What the fuck was going on? Ray was nearly fifty years old and a widower. It made no sense for him to be having some kind of gay awakening.
He took another sip of water, and realized his glass was empty. There was no more reason for him to stay. He sighed. “Water’s finished,” he said unnecessarily, “I should probably head to bed.”
“Really? Oh yeah, yeah, sure,” Bobby said, as if the idea was disappointing. He rubbed his face. “I should probably head, too. Big day tomorrow.”
Their 'big day' consisted of getting up and maybe paddling around the river in a kayak. They weren’t even due back to LA until Monday afternoon, but Ray wasn’t going to argue. “See you in the morning.”
Neither of them moved.
Ray continued to watch his friend, feeling the low pulse of desire flow through him. He didn’t understand it, but he was adult enough to recognize it was there. He didn’t know what it meant about the way he’d always thought about himself. Maybe it was possible he wasn’t as straight as he’d assumed? He licked his lips. “Bobby, can I ask you something?”
“Anything,” Bobby said. His eyes looked black in the low light. The way Bobby was looking at him reminded Ray of when they’d both been kids together, watching Rose play. Sometimes he’d catch Bobby looking at him like that; Like he was trying to figure Ray out. But now, with this strange awareness thrumming between them, Ray wondered suddenly if he’d gotten it wrong, if Bobby had been looking at him for an entirely different reason. It made the question he wanted to ask immediately easier to get off his tongue.
“How’d you know you were bisexual?” he winced, realizing how it sounded. “That was really tacky, wasn’t it?”
Bobby laughed. “My usual response when reporters ask me that question is to say, 'how’d you know you were straight?' But I actually think you’re looking for a real answer.”
“I am,” Ray said quietly. He lowered his eyes, studying the empty glass he still held between his hands.
“Alright. Straight up? I asked Luke to kiss me,” Bobby said. “Pardon the pun.”
Ray’s gaze snapped to Bobby’s, surprised. “Luke?”
“You’ve met him, right?” Bobby said with a laugh.
Ray thought about it. Luke was desperately in love with Julie, but the way he was around his friends… “Luke’s not straight,” Ray realized. “I don’t know why I didn’t see that before.”
“Carrie says he’s pansexual,” Bobby agreed. “And he’s always been like that. Oozing chemistry with everyone. He was the first man I was attracted to, so I went for it. And after kissing him, I knew.”
Ray had an immediate image of kissing Bobby. He gave his head a small shake to clear it. “That’s all it took?”
“Well, that, and a couple months of quietly losing my shit because I wasn’t straight and I didn’t know how to think about it. But Alex helped a lot. We didn’t really talk about it, but he lived his truth everyday, and seeing his courage really helped.”
Alex had come out in the 90s when he was sixteen. He’d been kicked out of his house for his honesty, but he’d never hidden who he was. His relationship with Willie was a thing of beauty and courage in a world that pretended to be accepting but sometimes really wasn’t. It was uncomfortable to think of Alex, Willie, Luke and even Bobby being braver as teenagers than Ray felt he could be now.
Bobby must have seen the complex series of emotions run across Ray’s face, because he leaned closer. “Ray, why are you asking this?”
“Because…” Ray paused and licked his lips again. He felt exactly as scared and unsure as he’d ever been at seventeen. “Because I’m attracted to you,” he said finally, “and I don’t know what it means.”
“Oh,” Bobby said softly. His mouth curved in a sardonic smile. “Is this some kind of tourist thing? Because you’re single and I’m single and now you want to see what being with a man is all about?”
“I don’t know how to answer that,” Ray said honestly. “All I know is I… I have an awareness of you that I only ever remember having with Rose. But I’ve never been with a man. You know that. So, if finding out means I’m a tourist? Then… stamp my fucking passport.”
Bobby burst out laughing. “Stamp your fucking passport? Is that what the kids are calling it nowadays?”
Ray joined in his laughter. “It was the best I could think of on short notice!”
Bobby seemed to come to some decision. He stood and held out his hand. “C’mere.” Ray linked their fingers together and let Bobby pull him too his feet. “If we’re going to do this, your first time isn’t going to be in the kitchen.” So saying, he led them towards his bedroom, letting Ray enter first.
Ray’s heart was pounding, the blood rushing through his ears. He was excited and terrified, like being at the top of a rollercoaster, waiting for the drop. Except it was bigger than that. It was like waiting to jump out of a plane, hoping the parachute would catch you on the way to the ground.
Bobby put his hand on Ray’s chest. “Damn,” he murmured. “Sure your heart can take this?”
“No,” Ray whispered, then leaned in and kissed him.
It turned out, when Ray was asleep, he liked to cuddle.
Bobby lay in bed, Ray’s head on his chest, one arm over his waist and Ray’s knee on his thigh. Ray’s stubble was warm and raspy against his skin. He was breathing deeply, his chest rising and falling in a soft, gentle rhythm as he slept.
Bobby held himself still and didn’t let his hands rove over Ray’s body the way he wanted to. He had no idea how difficult things had been for Ray since he’d taken over care of the boys, but he’d heard the stories of numerous hospital trips and missing children. He could only imagine that a good night’s sleep was few and far between.
Besides, he was grown-up enough to admit to himself he’d had the fantasy of sleeping with Ray Molina for a long fucking time. He was going to enjoy this for all he was worth.
Ray might’ve not been experienced with men, but he certainly wasn’t lacking experience. He kissed with a confidence and certainty that was profoundly erotic. And what he didn’t know, he made up for with commitment and enthusiasm. Once Ray was in, he was all in. Bobby was both pleasantly surprised and sore this morning.
Gently, he kissed the crown of Ray’s head, soft enough to not disturb his slumber. He felt a wave of affection in his chest for him, the way he usually did when he was around Ray. He’d felt it forever. Bobby had loved Rose, and if he was honest, he could admit he was always a little bit in love with her. But it wasn’t just her. He'd always been a little bit in love with Ray, too. Loving them both was probably the reason he’d stayed single. No one else compared.
But now Ray was lying asleep in his bed, and it kind of felt like all of Bobby’s dreams had come true. But he had no idea what would happen to those dreams when Ray woke up.
As if he'd heard Bobby’s thoughts, Ray’s eyes opened, warm and as blue as the Texas sky. “Buenos días, mi corazón,” he murmured, his beautiful mouth curving up in a smile.
Bobby grinned back. The light in Ray’s eyes made his trepidation fade. “What does that mean?”
“Good morning, my heart,” Ray said, then he blushed. “Too soon?”
“You’ve had my heart for a long time,” Bobby said. “So, no.”
Ray’s smile broadened though he looked puzzled. He got up on one elbow so they were eye to eye. “I’ve had your heart?”
“I’ve been in love with you for a long time,” Bobby admitted. “Probably since the night you drove Rose to the pier and kept my sorry ass from jumping off.”
“I remember that night.” Ray grimaced. “God, you were grieving so hard. I always felt I should’ve done more.”
“You did everything. And I really don’t want to talk about the past.” Bobby leaned over and kissed him. Ray’s stubble caught on Bobby’s beard, and they both had morning breath, but Ray responded with the same enthusiasm he’d shown the night before.
It only made sense, Bobby realized: It was the same way Ray had immediately taken Luke, Alex, Reggie and even Willie into his heart. Ray didn’t love by halves and he didn’t second guess his emotions. He was all or nothing, and right now he’d decided to give Bobby his all. Love at full throttle, Bobby thought. It’d be a great lyric for a song.
Ray crawled on top of him, straddling his hips and holding Bobby’s hands down on either side of his head. He kissed him passionately, like he either couldn’t believe it was happening or get enough. Bobby felt himself respond, his arousal tenting his pajamas.
“Is this okay?” Ray asked as he began sucking on the tender skin over Bobby’s collarbone.
“Oh shit, yeah,” Bobby breathed, arching into Ray. Ray bit him lightly and he moaned. Ray’s laugh was wicked as he started making his way lower, kissing and sucking along Bobby’s torso until Bobby was so hard it was almost painful.
Ray reached the waistband of Bobby’s pajama shorts. “You know,” he said conversationally, “I’ve always wondered what it’d be like to give a guy a blowjob. Guess I’m not as straight as I thought.” He tugged at Bobby’s shorts.
Bobby tried to say, “Who said you were straight?” But Ray got his shorts below his groin and his mouth on Bobby’s cock, and it was a while before Bobby could say anything coherent at all.
“Are you going to tell the kids?”
Ray’s eyes were closed as he soaked in the sunlight. After their morning sex, they’d showered, had breakfast and then ended up back on the deck. He felt relaxed, nearly boneless. It’d been a long time since he’d felt this calm. He looked up, meeting Bobby’s eyes through the glasses he was wearing. “I hadn’t thought that far ahead.”
Bobby nodded and looked down at his guitar. They’d moved the patio table to the side so he could continue to write music while Ray listened. It was intimate, listening to Bobby create like this. It reminded Ray of sharing these types of moments with Rose. It was something he thought he’d never experience again.
“I get that you wouldn’t want to,” Bobby said.
Ray sat forward, recognizing the melancholy note in Bobby’s words but not the reason for it. “Why would you think I wouldn’t want to?”
“Because…” Bobby made a moue with his lips that was all from his Russian father. “Well, lots of reasons.”
Ray frowned. “Name one.”
“I’m a guy?” Bobby said with a small laugh. “That’s got to be a big one.”
“You really think the kids would care about that? I think Reggie’s the only one who’s actually straight, and I’m including Julie.”
“Okay, I’ll give you that.” Bobby’s laugh grew more real. “But still, it’s a big change for you. I’d understand if you wanted to just sit with it for a while.”
“Yes, it’s a big change,” Ray agreed. “Hell, if you’d asked me yesterday morning, I would’ve sworn I was straight as an arrow. But now I think back on it, I’m not sure I ever really was? I think I’ve always been attracted to both men and women and just… not realized. I thought it was because I had an artist’s eye, not because I was actually bisexual.”
“You don’t have to label yourself, you know,” Bobby said.
“I’ll use a number then,” Ray joked, “like the Kinsey Scale.”
Bobby chucked. “The Kinsey Scale. There’s a throwback.”
“Zero means straight, six, gay. Wish I’d thought about the numbers in the middle,” Ray said ruefully. “I’m almost fifty and I’m literally just figuring it out now. It makes me feel…” he shook his head. “I don’t know how it makes me feel. Weird? Blind? Stupid?”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Bobby said gently. “You were born in the early 70s and then you grew up during the AIDS epidemic. Not exactly a great time to explore.”
Ray tilted his head in acknowledgement of the truth of Bobby’s words. “And my parents would not have been open to it. I think my father would’ve killed me himself.” Ray shuddered as he said it, thinking of his totalitarian father. The man had all but abandoned Ray when he’d chosen photography over a “respectable” career. He couldn’t imagine what would’ve happened to him if he’d even suggested he liked men at all.
“I get it,” Bobby said. “My parents were pretty forward-thinking for being immigrants, and even then, it took me years to tell them. They responded pretty well, actually. Well, after my mom broke down about not having grandkids.”
Ray smirked. “I always liked your parents. Even if Caroline was a bit dramatic. You going to tell Carrie?”
Bobby eyed him. “Is there something for me to tell her about?”
Ray eyed him back. “You’re the one with the high-flying lifestyle. I’m the middle-aged, middle class one here, remember? You tell me.”
“We are literally only four years apart,” Bobby said with a chuckle. Then his expression grew serious. “And yeah, I think there’s something to tell her about. If that’s what you want?”
Bobby was offering him an out, Ray knew. A chance to treat this weekend like a one-off; just one more stamp in his passport on his voyage of sexual discovery. But Ray knew that wasn’t who he was. He’d never played the field; never had sex without emotions involved. And he’d cared about Bobby for a really long time, maybe even had loved him without knowing it. Might even be in love with him now. “I called you 'mi corazón' for a reason,” Ray said.
“My heart,” Bobby murmured. “There’s already a lot of people taking up space there. You sure you have room for me?” He said it with a grin, but Ray could see the insecurity behind it.
Ray got up and moved over to him, gently picking up the guitar and placing it on the table. He took Bobby’s glasses off and put them beside his guitar, then took Bobby's hands and pulled him to his feet. “I got room,” he said softly. Then kissed him.
Bobby kissed him back the way Ray hoped he would; swift and fierce and with all the pent-up longing Ray now recognized and realized he might’ve shared. A part of him wished he'd figured out how he felt about Bobby when Rose was still alive. He wondered if she’d felt it too, and if they could’ve made room in their relationship for him. But Rose was gone and Bobby was here, and while he’d always mourn her, Ray knew she’d approve his choice of loving her best friend.
Bobby’s hands when to Ray’s head, holding him in place against his mouth. His beard was soft against Ray's cheeks, and his mouth tasted a bit like the fruit they’d eaten. Ray made a mixed noise of desire and approval and put his hands under Bobby’s T-shirt. Bobby’s body was so different than Rose’s. He was hard and muscled where hers had been curved and soft; big where she’d been tiny. Bobby was physically both larger and stronger than Ray was. The difference was fascinating and a huge turn-on.
“I wanna take you inside and lick every fucking inch of you,” Bobby breathed against his mouth.
That was a fantastic idea, and Ray couldn’t help but giggle like the teenager he certainly was not. But he was aroused and probably in love and so happy he didn’t even try to contain it. “I’m not stopping you,” he said.
Bobby led him inside.
Luke shut the door of the studio behind him, head spinning. “Guys—"
“You don’t have any snacks!” Reggie said accusingly. He turned to Alex. “See? That’s why I said you should go.”
They’d been in the studio, practicing “Stand Tall” for their performance for music class. Everyone had decided it was time for a break, and Luke had lost the rock, paper, scissors competition for the snack run. He'd been headed to the house for food when he’d been blindsided.
“I’m sore from track tryouts,” Alex said to Reggie. “Besides, you’re the Teleporter.”
“I didn’t get a lot of sleep this weekend because Flynn was sick,” Reggie argued. “And it’s not like your legs are broken.”
“Guys!” Luke tried again. “Guys!”
Alex pointed a drumstick at him. “I don’t think you should be allowed to talk until you bring the snacks you promised.”
“And maybe something to drink?” Willie added. He’d been reading on the couch while the band practised. “It’s hot in here.”
“Off you go,” Reggie said with a shooing motion of his hands. “Shouldn’t keep us waiting.”
“Wait,” Julie said to them as she got up from behind the keyboard. She went towards Luke, clearly seeing the shock on his face. “Are you okay?” She took his hands and pulled him farther into the room. “You don’t look so good.”
Luke let her lead him to the couch and Willie pulled in his legs so Luke could sit down. Alex and Reggie finally realized something was up. They put their instruments down and went over, hovering anxiously.
“What happened?” Reggie asked. “Should I get Ray?”
“Do not get Ray!” Luke said immediately. “Especially not right now!”
“Why?” Julie’s beautiful eyes were wide. “Is something wrong with my dad?”
“He was kissing Bobby in the driveway!” Luke exploded. “I was walking up to the house to grab snacks and they were totally making out! I think my eyes are still bleeding!”
Julie sat down heavily on Willie’s legs. He yelped and moved them. “My dad? Was kissing? Bobby?”
“Like, Carrie’s dad, Bobby?” Alex asked.
“Like, our Band Uncle, Bobby?” Reggie’s eyes were as wide as Julie’s. “But they’re related!”
That seemed to snap Julie out of her stupor. “They’re not related!”
“Band Dad, Band Uncle, duh,” Reggie said. “They’re practically brothers.”
“I’ve never seen brothers kissing like that,” Luke said. He ran his hand down his face. “Holy shit.”
“But… isn’t Ray straight?” Reggie asked. “I thought he was straight.”
“He’s not straight,” both Julie and Willie said at exactly the same time. “Seriously,” Willie continued, “the way Ray checks out other men is painfully obvious.”
“I was actually going to talk to him about it when he was ready to start dating again,” Julie said. “But guess I don’t have to?” She laughed, then winced.
“Wait,” Alex said at her pained expression, “is this actually a problem?”
“Um, yes?” Luke said. “Bobby was the first guy I ever kissed! This is just fucking weird.”
Julie stared at him. “You kissed Bobby?”
“Just a few times?” Luke’s cheeks heated. “He was really hot as a kid, okay?”
“He’s still hot now,” Willie muttered, then raised his hands as his boyfriend gave him a flat look. “Just in an abstract, DILF kind of way.”
“Oh my God. My dad and my boyfriend kissed the same guy.” Julie put her head in her hands.
“But is this a problem?” Alex repeated. “I mean, we all love both Ray and Bobby, so maybe it’s a good thing if they’re together?”
“If they get married, Carrie’s going to be our sister,” Reggie said.
“You know we’re not actually related, right?” Willie asked him.
“Ray’s kind of our dad, though?” Reggie pointed out. “So, that counts.”
“But, do we even know if they’re really together?” Willie asked Luke. “They were just kissing in the driveway—”
“Oh, they’re together,” Luke said knowingly. “They looked just like Reggie and Flynn do when they think no one’s watching.”
Everyone except Reggie made a face. “What?” Reggie said. “Flynn and I are really good together!”
“You are, and it’s totally nauseating,” Alex said. “But if that’s what Bobby and Ray look like—”
“Then they’re definitely together.” Julie finished for him. “This is terrible!”
“You and Willie are nauseating,” Reggie muttered.
Alex ignored Reggie. “Wait, why?” he asked Julie. “I thought you liked Bobby?”
“I do! But my dad will be devastated if Bobby breaks up with him! My dad’s heart can’t get broken again.”
Julie looked so sad when she said it that Luke’s heart lurched. He hugged her to him, hating to see her upset. “Don’t worry. We’ll make sure Ray’s okay.”
“Bobby’s a really good guy,” Reggie said to her. “He took care of all of us before we… kind of died.”
“He’ll be good to your dad,” Alex added. “We’ll help.”
“Yeah!” Luke warmed to the idea. “You tell us all the stuff Ray likes, and we’ll be sure to tell Bobby!”
“Oh yeah! Like, what food is his favourite, or if he likes to go dancing!” Reggie said, eyes gleaming. “We’ll be like his fairy godmothers!”
“You don’t get to be a fairy godmother,” Alex said to him. “You’re straight.”
“Hey!” Reggie protested. “I’d be a great fairy godmother!”
“It can’t just be one-sided. Ray’s going to have to woo Bobby, too.” Willie said.
“We’ll need Carrie’s help for this,” Luke agreed. “Who’s going to talk to her about it?”
“You,” everyone chorused back immediately.
“Me?” Luke said, incredulous. “Her boyfriend hates me!”
“But she likes you,” Alex reminded him. “You’re actually friends.”
“I can do it,” Julie said at Luke’s terrified look. “We’re getting along better now? At least I think so? We’ve even eaten lunch together a few times.”
“Might be a good reason for the two of you to really start talking again,” Willie said gently.
Julie’s beautiful mouth bent up in a smile. “I wouldn’t even mind.”
“Hey daddy!” Carrie ran over to her father, leaning into his embrace. “How was your weekend in Texas?”
She used to never meet him by the door; had feigned indifference to his comings and goings for years as a way of punishing him for not being around much. But now, thanks to Dr. Crystal, she’d realized how much that was hurting them both, and how well her dad responded to her shows of affection. It’d been easier than she thought to start hugging him again.
“Texas was good, Baby girl,” he said after her released her from his hug. He handed his bag to their housekeeper, Renata, with a word of thanks and she disappeared with it upstairs. He put his hands on his hips and looked at her, affection brimming in his eyes. “And how was your weekend? Any parties?”
She laughed. “No parties, daddy. I went to the one at Julie’s house on Friday, remember? But I did have a few friends over.”
“Friends, like… Nick?” Carrie immediately blushed and Bobby roared with laughter. “That good, huh?”
“Stop it!” She swatted at him and then went back towards the living room, knowing he’d follow. “We just did homework.”
“Right,” Bobby said, drawing out the vowel. “When I was Nick’s age and I was at a pretty girl’s house and her parents weren’t home—”
“Stop it!” Carrie said again. She sat down on the couch and her father sat beside her, long legs sprawled out in front of him. She tucked her legs underneath herself. “Nick’s not like that,” she said primly, but then laughed, completely undermining her words.
Bobby guffawed. “As long as it’s all safe, sane and consensual.”
“Dad!” Carrie cried, scandalized. “Don’t talk like that!”
“Fine. No sex until marriage,” Bobby said obligingly. “In fact, Imma buy you a purity ring next week.”
Carrie laughed again and leaned her head against his shoulder, wonderfully content to be with him like this. “As long as it’s all diamonds.”
“Anything you want, Baby.” He kissed her head. “But seriously, how was your weekend? I wanna know.”
That made Carrie smile. “It was good,” she repeated. “Nick is very sweet. I really like him.”
He must have heard the note of uncertainty in her voice, because he asked: “But you’re not in love with him?”
“I don’t know?” she said honestly. It was so much easier talking to her dad about how she was feeling now, when he made a point of paying attention. “I mean, Maybe I am? How do you know when you’re in love, anyway?”
“That’s a great question.” Bobby shifted on the couch so they could see each other better. “I’m sure it’s different for everyone, but for me? It’s when I feel both really excited and absolutely safe with that person at exactly the same time. Like being strapped in tight for a ride at an amusement park. Does that make sense?”
It sounded like a really good description, actually. Carrie bit her lip, thinking. “Nick makes me feel really safe,” she said finally. “But I don’t know if he’s that exciting?”
“Maybe he’s not,” Bobby said with a shrug. “But you’re having fun with him, yeah?”
Carrie nodded and couldn’t help her smile. “Yeah.”
“Good enough.” Bobby grinned at her. “It’s not like you have to marry him.”
Carrie rolled her eyes. “Marrying my high school sweetheart is totally not a goal. So, how was your weekend? Did you have fun?”
“Yeah, it was pretty good,” Bobby mumbled. To her surprise, her father’s cheeks immediately flushed red.
Her eyes narrowed as she studied him, then widened as she figured it out. “Oh my God! you had sex with Julie’s dad!”
He put up his hands to shush her, looking behind him to make sure Renata wasn’t in earshot. “Yeah, we did, okay? Please don’t yell!”
Carrie’s jaw was on the floor. “You had sex with Julie’s dad,” she repeated. “Oh my God. I’m in shock right now. This is what shock feels like.”
“Okay, look.” He ran his hands through his hair. “I get it. It’s a big surprise. I was surprised too. I didn’t expect it to happen, but it did, and I’m not sorry about it. I’m not looking for your approval—”
“I approve,” Carrie said.
That brought Bobby up short. “You do?”
“Well, yeah,” Carrie said with a shrug. “He’s a nice man, and he’s pretty cute, despite being so old. And he’s always been good to me, even when Julie and I weren’t getting along. And you’ve been crushing on him forever—”
“Crushing on him?” Bobby’s eyebrows drew down. “I wouldn’t go that far. I literally just found out he liked men this weekend!”
She rolled her eyes again. “Dad, your crush was so obvious. Like, see-it-from-space obvious. And have you met Ray? He’s so not straight.”
Bobby cracked up at that. “I think he was the last one to figure that out.”
Carrie smiled at her dad, then bit her lip, carefully asking the next question. “But, he likes you too?”
Her dad’s face split in a wide smile. “Yeah, pretty sure he does.”
Carrie sighed in relief. She really didn’t want her dad hurt. He’d had more than enough pain for one lifetime. “So, are you feeling… like you’re strapped into an amusement park ride?”
“Yeah. It’s a ride, all right,” Bobby said. His expression went completely serious. “Carrie, I think I might actually be in love.”
She squealed in delight and threw herself into her father’s arms. “Daddy! I’m so happy for you!”
“Thanks, Care Bear. Means a lot.” He hugged her fiercely and Carrie sunk into it, so happy to be able to share this joy with him.
“I love you, daddy,” she said.
“Love you, too, Care bear.” He kissed the top of her head.
She sat back, still smiling. “So, when are you seeing him again? We should plan a really good date. Oh! I need to ask Julie what Ray likes!” She pulled out her phone.
Bobby gently put his hand over her screen. “Honey, I’m really excited about this new thing with Ray, and yeah, I’d love to plan a date with you that will totally knock his socks off. But I haven’t seen you since Friday night. Can tonight just be about the two of us?”
Carrie blinked and put her phone down. “You want to spend time with me?”
“Of course. You’re my baby girl.” His smile was warm and so full of love Carrie felt it down to her bones.
“Can we watch a movie?” she asked. “Something romantic? Because I think you could use some pointers.”
Bobby laughed out loud.
END