Work Text:
Group Chat: b(itty)day
shitty: what if i get bitty this for his bday
shitty: 
holster: where the FUCK did u find that
lardo: and where can i get one
shitty: i just found it online
shitty: i can order one for u tho lardo
lardo: thanks
ransom: no!! why do u want that!!
holster: great question!!
lardo: itll go well with my boob candles
ransom: BOOB CANDLES??
lardo: 
lardo: boob candles
ransom: cool
holster: do u have dick candles
holster: #equality
lardo: no
holster: :((
holster: this is discrimination
holster: dicksrimination
lardo: yes
lardo: thanks for understanding
shitty: okay i have the baby candle and a dick candle all ready to buy my only question is should i get two baby candles
shitty: one for bitty
Jack: Bittle saw that candle once and started crying.
Jack: Don’t get it.
shitty: :((
shitty: fine
shitty: im still getting one for lardo tho
lardo: and the dick candle
shitty: and the dick candle
lardo: my days of dickscrimination are coming to an end
holster: good
ransom: can i burn the dick candle?
holster: why????? why would u want that????
ransom: idk seems fun
lardo: only i get to burn my dick candle
ransom: this is disgusting
ransom: what if my life depended on burning ur dick candle
shitty: rans why would ur life depend on burning lardos dick candle
ransom: lets not look too closely at the logic of the situation
ransom: just answer my question
lardo: hm
lardo: if u were actually going to die if u didnt burn my dick candle then i guess id let u
lardo: but youd have to buy me a new one
ransom: yeah thats fair
shitty: okay so before i pay, no one wants anymore candles?
holster: i dont think so
ransom: yeah i only wanna burn a dick candle if its lardos
Jack: The more you say dick candle the weirder it sounds. Please stop.
ransom: dick candle
ransom: dick candle dick candle dick candle dick candle
holster: dick candle
shitty: dick candle
Jack: Lardo is my only real friend here.
lardo: dick candle
Jack: Bye.
shitty: dick candle
lardo changed the group name to dick candle
shitty: okay but seriously what candles should i get bitty
lardo: 
shitty: why those
lardo: theyre useful
shitty: im not going for useful here
holster: what is a candle,,,, if not useful,,,,
shitty: theyre literally not
ransom: spiritually,,,,, they are,,,,,,,,,
shitty: fuck off
lardo: no no keep going i wanna know
holster: i dont actually have any more im sorry
lardo: tell me when u do
shitty: not in the fucking gc
lardo: yes in the fucking gc u all need to know
shitty: ill cancel the dick candle order ill fucking do it
shitty: dont test me
lardo: not my problem
shitty: THEYRE YOUR CANDLES
lardo: ransoms the one that cant live without them
ransom: WHEN DID I SAY THAT
lardo: scroll up
ransom: no
ransom: the past is the past its irrelevant
holster: GUYS I FOUND A CANDLE FOR BITTY
holster: THE PERFECT CANDLE FOR BITTY
shitty: WELL DONT LEAVE US HANGING WHAT IS IT
holster: 
shitty: OMG
ransom: OMG
lardo: BUY IT BUY IT NOW
holster: I KNOW IM WORKING ON IT
holster: PATIENCE ALL
ransom: NO
Private Messages: jack <33 and bits
bits: look at this candle i just found!!
bits:
bits: itll make a beautiful decoration for the kitchen!!
jack <33: Yeah it will!
Group Chat: dick candle
Jack: screenshot.jpg
Jack: You may want to find a different present.
holster: FUCK
Jack: Can’t you just ask him what he wants?
holster: but that would ruin the surpriseeeee
Jack: Oh
Private Messages: jack <33 and bits
jack <33: What do you want for your birthday?
bits: honey is this ur way of telling me you dont have a gift for me yet?
bits: i TOLD you i dont need one
jack <33: I have one for you.
jack <33: But Holster doesn’t.
bits: tell him he doenst need to get me one either
jack <33: I don’t know if that will work.
bits: if it doesn’t work he doesnt get pie on my birthday
jack <33: That’s harsh.
bits: yeah dont tell him that i dont think i could follow through
jack <33: haha
jack <33: I’m telling him that
bits: JACK NO
Group Chat: dick candle
Jack: screenshot.jpg
Jack: Holster stop trying to get him a present
holster: no
holster: we all know that’s an empty threat
Jack: But what if it’s not?
holster: it is
holster: i know it in my bones it is
shitty: bitty would never withhold pie
Jack: This would be so much more fun if you all didn’t know him so well.
Jack: Holster, have fun finding him a present.
holster: i will thanks
Jack: I’m going to tell him his plan failed.
holster: DONT MAKE HIM SAD
Jack: You’re the one making him sad.
Jack: By buying him a present.
shitty: this is a new low, zimmerman
shitty: manipulating ur friends for ur boyfriend
shitty: im disappointed in you
Jack: Sucks.
lardo: get rekt shits
shitty: fuck off i hate u
shitty: im gonna keep ur dick candle for myself
shitty: AND the baby candle
shitty: take THAT
lardo: enjoy them i guess
shitty: GODDAMMIT BE MAD
lardo: no
lardo: this is more fun
shitty: fine you can have your candles back
lardo: thanks
lardo: its appreciated