Work Text:
Dustin Henderson is going to die a virgin. He just knows it.
At the tender age of fifteen, Dustin has already torpedoed every romantic relationship he managed to stumble into. Girlfriend after girlfriend grew tired of his paranoid secrecy, his lingering anxiety with no apparent cause, his inability to fully let his guard down around anyone but his best friends. A chubby lisping dork should never have gotten multiple girlfriends in the first place, and Dustin managed to chase them all off with his terminally fucked up psyche.
It's not Dustin's fault that he couldn't tell any of his cute, smart, wonderful girlfriends the real reason he's still afraid of the dark and jumps whenever he spots a salamander in the leaf litter. If he told any of them about parallel horror dimensions and giant slimy face-eating monsters and shadowy tentacle creatures that possessed his friends, he'd be carted off to the loony bin. And if he can only relax and be himself around people who know about the Upside Down and the Demogorgons and the Mind Flayer, then Dustin is stuck being a cagey, panicked boyfriend who doesn't trust his amazing girlfriends with the truth. He's so going to die a virgin.
"I'm going to die a virgin," Dustin moans into his pillow. Will is quiet on the other end of the line, a couple seconds too long for normal conversation. It's pretty fucked up that Will being spooky and silent over the phone makes Dustin feel calmer than when his ex used to stroke his hair. "I'm a basket case, a certified nutjob. No sophomore girl wants to date a guy with slime monster trauma."
That makes Will giggle softly. Dustin always feels hot and giddy whenever he makes Will laugh, because Will is so quiet that it takes special care to bring him out of his shell. "You're preaching to the choir," Will says. "Girlfriends are overrated, dude. You have friends who care about you and know what you went through, that's what really matters."
"Is it really, thought?" Dustin flips over and stares at his bedroom ceiling. "I know you're a late bloomer or whatever, but like. Don't you want to touch a boob at least once before you die?"
Will laughs, but it's a weird laugh, and he goes quiet for another long moment after. A bunch of puzzle pieces slide together in the back of Dustin's mind, and he's about to blurt out an apology when Will speaks. "You'll find someone, Dustin. There's somebody out there who knows what you've been through and makes you feel safe and happy. It might not be the hot busty babe you want, but if you really love each other, it'll be just as good."
Dustin wonders when wallflower Will Byers became an expert in romance. "Thanks, man. I guess you're right, someone who accepts me for my weird, fucked up self is a worthy tradeoff for ugliness."
Will groans, knowing Dustin too well to either believe him or indulge him. Dustin launches into a lurid description of some skin flick he caught on late night cable, just to hear more of Will's grossed out giggles.
-
If anyone knows what Dustin is going through with his monster-related dating problems, it's Eleven. Granted, her government experimentation baggage makes his monster baggage look like a papercut, but whatever, it's all relative. El knows what it's like to date someone who will never understand the awful, mind-destroying shit you went through, but loves you anyway.
Dustin waits until Mike goes to the bathroom before sliding into the spot on the sofa still warm from Mike's body heat. "So, El," he says, staring at the paused television to avoid looking her in the eye. "I've been having girl problems. Specifically, none of the girls I like can ever know the terrifying shit that still keeps me up at night. And I'm scared of being alone forever because I can't really open up to anyone. I don't want to die alone while my twenty cats eat my eyeballs."
"What do cats have to do with being alone?" El asks, puzzled. Dustin opens his mouth to explain the concept of crazy cat ladies, but then El scoots closer and rests her head against his shoulder. "You're not alone, Dustin. You have me and Mike, and Will and Lucas and Max, and everybody else. We all know what you're scared of."
She sounds as serious as a heart attack, like the idea of Dustin not having friends breaks her heart. Dustin leans his head against El's, her soft curls tickling his cheek. "I do have you guys, and it means a lot. But I don't think you and Mike and Will and Lucas and Max all want to date me. There's no overlap between the cute girls who want to smooch me and the people I've fought monsters with."
Without warning, El lifts her head and plants a smacking kiss on Dustin's cheek, making him go as red as a tomato. "There. I smooched you, and I fought monsters with you. You're not alone."
Dustin's eyes go watery. "That really sweet, El, but. You're one of my best friends, and you're Mike's girlfriend. You can't be my girlfriend too."
El buries her face against Dustin's shoulder. "Why not? You don't think I'm cute? I think you're cute."
Dustin's brain is still computing when Mike returns from the bathroom, causing Dustin to spring away from El like her clothes are on fire. "Hope I didn't miss anything fun," Mike says cheerfully, dropping into the space between Dustin and El. Dustin ends up with Mike's pale, skinny thigh pressed against his, burning up like a furnace.
They resume the tape, but Dustin can't pay attention when El and Mike are cuddling next to him. Dustin never developed a crush on El and her shaved head the way Mike did, but he can't deny that she's grown up really pretty. So has Mike, with his big dark eyes and delicate freckles. They're an attractive couple, and Dustin doesn't think he's weird for noticing it. He suddenly imagines moving over so he's sandwiched between both of them, two pale thighs pressing against his and two curly heads resting on his shoulders, and Dustin's face goes hot again. He's lucky his friends put up with him and his craziness.
-
Third wheeling Max and Lucas is still more awkward than third wheeling Mike and Eleven, because deep down, Dustin never really got over his crush on Max. She's still the coolest, prettiest, most confident and badass girl who's ever kicked his ass at video games, and so what if that makes her Dustin's ideal woman? Dustin is a mature high schooler, he can handle being around the girl of his dreams and her boyfriend for a few hours.
That is, unless Max is being a complete demon who's willing to destroy Dustin's hard-won composure by flopping over and planting her head in his lap. Dustin doesn't understand how she can still kick ass at Super Mario when she's fully horizontal.
"So I heard little Byers has been sucking face with Mike and El," Max says, sliding through the end of the level as smooth as butter. Dustin chokes on his spit.
"Excuse me?" Dustin manages to croak out. Lucas is sitting on Max's other side, and Dustin can tell from how intensely he's staring at the TV that he already knows this information and doesn't really want to talk about it.
"Well," Max says without looking up from the game, "I don't think Will is literally sucking face with El, because he's…you know. But she told me she watched the boys make out, so she's totally cool with it. Like how our parents' generation were all swingers."
"Ew," Lucas says, lightly thwacking Max in the thigh. "Please don't make me think about my parents and their freaky seventies sex life."
Max giggles. "All our parents were horny teenagers once," she says, grinning devilishly up at Dustin in a way that makes his stomach go jittery. "Anyway, that wasn't the point. I just thought it was neat, both of them kissing Mike and not getting jealous. It doesn't matter that they're both boys, it don't matter that they're a couple and a single guy, they're just kissing whoever they want to."
Max is one of the toughest people Dustin knows, but she can't hide it when she blushes—curse of the redheads. Her gaze flicks down to Lucas, then up to Dustin, then back to the TV. Dustin doesn't have to be a romance expert to pick up her signal.
Slowly, flicking nervous glances over at Lucas, Dustin moves his hand until he's touching Max's hair. She sighs softly at the touch, tossing the controller onto the floor and rolling over to look up at Dustin. She has her feet in Lucas's lap, and out of the corner of his eye, Dustin catches Lucas's hand stroking up her smooth calf. Feeling weirdly brave, Dustin bends over and kisses Max. She tastes like the sticky sweet popsicles Mr. Sinclair gave them earlier, and her hair is soft between his fingers. Dustin never stops being aware of Lucas right next to them, watching.
Max's mouth is pink and swollen when he pulls away, and she bursts into happy giggles. "Wow," she says breathlessly, "I didn't think that would actually work. I don't suppose you'd kiss each other now? Can't hurt to ask."
Dustin shivers. Lucas is still watching him and Max with that typical Lucas intensity. Lucas also grew up really pretty, with big dark eyes and strong shoulders and a smile that makes Dustin's stomach melt like lava. Yeah, it sounds pretty sweet to kiss whoever you want regardless of whether they're taken or a boy.
It's a bit awkward to lean over with Max still lying in his lap, but when their mouths press together and Lucas's fingers slide into Dustin's hair, awkward is the last thing on Dustin's mind. Turns out kissing boys is just as awesome as kissing girls, as long as the boy is as gorgeous and amazing as Lucas Sinclair. Or as gorgeous and amazing as any of Dustin's best friends, if he's being brutally honest with himself.
"Time out," Dustin gasps, clutching at Lucas's bare arms. "I need to stop before I have a heart attack. Max, were you being serious about Will, or were you lying to get me to kiss you? Not that I'm complaining, but I'd like to be fully informed before I make any stupid life-altering decisions."
Max giggles, her face super pink from watching him and Lucas make out. "I was trying to get you to kiss me, but I wasn't lying. El tells me everything. And she specifically wanted me to tell you, so you'd know you don't have to get eaten by cats. Whatever that means."
Suddenly, all the dust in Lucas's basement assaults Dustin's tear ducts at once. "I guess this explains why El kissed me on the cheek and called me cute. And why Will was sure I'd find somebody to kiss who understood the monster thing, but might not be a hot girl. Shit, have you all been having orgies this whole time and I'm just too dense to notice?"
Lucas hits Dustin in the shoulder. "Gross, dude. No orgies so far, just kissing."
Max blushes again. "Oh man, spin the bottle is gonna be hella fun next time."
Dustin lets himself imagine it: getting soppy romantic kisses from Mike, helping El figure out what kisses feel good, kissing shy Will so good that he starts making noise and getting into it, figuring out how far Max's blush goes and whether Lucas would be willing to pin him down.
Dustin must get a really disgusting look on his face, because Max hits him in the stomach and tells him to stop being a sap and kiss her again. Dustin is happy to oblige.