Chapter Text
My finger trailed up and down Nick’s back as he lay on his stomach, resting his head on his hands. His back was covered in a light coat of sweat, he was resting after we had just had sex, it was common that he always felt tired, but I was the complete opposite. My mind continued to race a mile a minute, thinking about anything and everything, he was resting but my body needed to move, my mind needed to think. It was odd when I thought about it, he was younger than me, yet my stamina was definitely better than his. Changing my angle slightly, I moved to graze my fingernail down his spine and caused him to slightly shiver. Repeating this action, I finally got his attention, he turned to me and subsequently stopped my movements.
There was a soft lazy smile on his face as he gazed at me, my eyes were wide open, mischievous if I had to guess.
“June…”
His voice was tired, and I almost felt bad for my growing sex drive – almost. The truth was that if I fell asleep, time would go quicker, it would feel like only seconds until I had to leave, staying awake meant more time pretending that I was free.
Taking pity on him, I went back to lazily moving my fingertip gently over his chest and rested on my side with my head on the pillow. Me giving in so easily must have alerted him, suddenly he was the one sitting up and staring down at me. My hand fell off of him and I waited for him to speak, confused by his reaction.
“June, what’s wrong?”
“What? Nothing is wrong.”
There wasn’t anything wrong, my mind just tended to wander, run at these moments, thinking about anything and anything. No matter how much time I spent with Nick, I never knew what he was thinking, what was going to set him off. His gaze was still burning into me, daring me to speak the thoughts that were on my mind, to let him in on where my mind wondered.
“What was it for you? What was your sin?”
“What?”
“Well, apparently we all sinned before, didn’t we? What was yours, Mister Blaine?”
Suddenly I wished that I had just tried to get some sleep, his bed was a lot more comfortable than mine, Nick was tense, and I needed to learn to keep my mouth shut. Who knows, maybe one-day Aunt Lydia will finally take my tongue and solve the problem.
Nick settled down next to me and we lay staring at each other, this weirdly felt like the most intimate situation we had been in. We were gazing into each other’s eyes, and it was intense, before I could backtrack and take back my question, Nick finally began to talk and diverted his gaze from me.
“I guess in the perspective of Gilead, my whole life was a sin. As a man, I never lived up to my duty or fulfilled whatever purpose I am supposed to have. My life was pretty depressing, I couldn’t hold onto a job, I couldn’t fulfill most of the basic needs, my life was pretty meaningless… not really a sin, but to Gilead, maybe it was.”
There were things he was hiding from me; I could tell as his gaze was still averted from mine and I couldn’t drag it back. This was the most he had shared with me in a long while, it was hard for him to open up so instead, I accepted the answer he gave. It may not be the whole truth, but it was still the truth, and it was helping me put the puzzle Nick together a bit more.
“That’s boring, if you’re going to sin, you may as well have fun. Hire a stripper, have a vasectomy, do something exciting.”
Finally, his eyes came back to mine, were they always that beautiful? Slowly, I began to sink further and further in almost forgetting any conversation, wanting to be close to him again. My lips were moving closer to his, but they moved to talk before I made it there.
“What about you? What was your unholy sinful moment? Was it more fun than mine?”
More fun? Maybe – definitely.
My so-called sin was what gave me my husband, it then led to us creating my beautiful little girl, the sin that was so horrid gave me my life that they then ripped away from me. How was I supposed to tell Nick that my sin was my marriage to the man he knew I still loved? Just like him, my gaze moved to the wall behind him, almost as if protecting my emotions from being seen as I was sure that he could see into my soul with his eyes.
“Adultery – well that’s what they say. My… My husband Luke, he was married when we met, happily according to her and unhappily according to him. They were separated and we fell in love, we got married and had a life together, we had Hannah. I still don’t understand how exactly they knew we were together before his divorce, it’s not like we wrote it in our marriage certificate ‘slept with him whilst he was technically still married.’. Maybe they just knew that Luke was married before and she wasn’t deceased. I don’t know but either way, I’m an adulterer, maybe – “
“June.”
I was rambling, my mind went into overdrive trying to protect Nick’s feelings and to also not let my emotions take control and sob, grieving over my previous life that had been taken away. My words were displaying all the thoughts I had never been able to say before about how I felt, things I hadn’t been able to say out loud. Maybe Nick wasn’t the best person to vent to though, especially about Luke and my marriage, surely, he could hear in my voice that I missed it, that I missed them.
Nick's hand moved to my face pulling my eyes back to him, there wasn’t any worry or sadness in his eyes, just curiosity. Instead of waiting for more questions, I dove forward and got to kiss him again with my hands running furiously through his hair. Tugging at his curls, getting to hear and feel his small groan against my lips made it my new favourite thing to do.
His hands moved to my hips, gripping, and holding me wherever he could, his movements were rough and ragged, the way I liked it best. It made me feel alive, free, and different, it wasn’t the menial in and out that I was forced into each month. Nicks rough hands were the best thing I could feel in this world, the harder he gripped, the faster he moved, it was everything I needed.
After one more harsh tug on his curls, earing another tortured groan from him, I let my hands wander downward and grip his hardness. It was hard to believe that only moments ago, he was tired and ready to sleep, now he was ready to go, eager in my hand.
My other hand moved to scrape my nails down his back as I pumped his cock in my hand, his lips had stopped moving against mine, groaning, and moaning at the same time. My lips were on him though, filling the void that was left when he moved away, I peppered kisses down his neck and back up to his face.
With my spare hand returning to his neck, pulling him to my lips again in an aggressive kiss, both of us ready and knowing what the next step was. Slowly, I guided him to my wetness and moaned as he filled me and let my head move back to fully feel him. It was his turn to chase my lips eagerly and bit my lower lip, knowing the exact pain I needed and wanted.
Not wanting to lose control, I now used my hands to push him back and roll myself on top, sitting up so that he couldn’t reach my lips anymore. My hands remained on his chest, keeping him down as I rode him hard and fast, panting loudly. I was glad that his apartment was above the garage and not connected to the house as the sounds the bed was making would definitely alert the Waterford’s to what we were doing. Luckily, he was panting as heavily as I was, my hips were rolling on him and grinding to cause as much friction as possible. I wanted to feel him as deep as possible and every that I could, we never knew when our last time would be.
All too soon, I could feel him building up and myself tightening around him, we were both close enough, as usual though, I was worried we weren’t in sync. Not wanting to be left behind, I grabbed his hand to push it to my centre, tempting him to circle me and bring me closer. Adding another element, I pulled him up by his shoulders and hungrily crashed her lips together, his groans creating vibrations between us. Both of us met our end and crashed back to the mattress, both of us out of breath again, covered in more sweat, enjoying each other as I rested on his chest.
Nick’s hand moved to stroke my hair that had fanned over his sweaty chest, it was a soft comforting gesture that was the polar opposite of what we just did but somehow it felt right to us. Temptingly, a slow bead of sweat rolled past me and I couldn’t help but lick it off of his chest and tempt him just like his body did to me. Not wanting to crush him under me for too long, I rolled back to my side that I had stolen, staring straight at him again, both wearing a satiated smile. His hand moved again to brush my hair off of my face, he was more alert than before and was now on my level.
“How did you meet Luke?”
Luke?
We were going there.
Before I pulled him into me, the conversation was about Luke, about the sin that had been pushed onto me by Gilead. I thought it would make him uncomfortable, jealous, I never really shared my past romances with Nick, it was difficult considering what we were – whatever we were.
“I was on tinder – “
“Luke was on tinder?”
That made it sound bad, talking about a married guy being on a dating app was horrible, even still, surely that’s his sin, not mine. Nick wasn’t judging though, he was curious, waiting for me to talk. I guess as badly as I wanted to know him, he wanted to know me, whatever it was.
“No, I was on tinder, Moira – my best friend, she was judging some of the guys on there as we were getting some food at a food truck. Then she started ribbing on me and my profile, Luke was there, and she dragged him in for an opinion. Luke was nice, she made him pick me a new profile picture, I offered him an out, but he was willing. There was something there, he was married – separated – but married.”
My eyes were on my hands as I traced shapes on Nick’s hip, I could feel his eyes on me as I told my story. I wasn’t necessarily embarrassed about how we met but I guess all that degrading and judging from Aunt Lydia and the red centre had subconsciously changed my outlook on it. Moira had judged my relationship with Nick at the beginning and had even been concerned about our decision to marry and she was my best friend.
Talking about Luke was difficult, remembering him and reliving my life with him hurt, it was a pain I wanted and longed to feel though. It was something that I needed to feel and more importantly, wanted to. This kind of pain was worth having in this different world, all the rest didn’t matter, Luke though, Luke mattered.
“You just connected with him?”
“Yeah… it was a feeling, we would meet up for coffee or lunch, just to talk and see each other, spend time together. Slowly, it went further, flirting I guess, he was already separated, and we liked each other. I guess I never acknowledged that someone was getting hurt…”
Nick moved my hand from his side and up to his lips to place a soft gentle kiss on the back of my hand, it was so soft and sweet that I needed to look at him again. Just like his action, his eyes were gentle and soft, it had my heart fluttering again and I knew he was already gone with me. I couldn’t help but move forward and place a soft butterfly kiss on his lips, barely any touch but meaning so much more.
Our bodies were connected again, lined up, touching every part again, enjoying being close together. My thigh was pressed against his crotch which was twitching every time I pushed against him, he was tired, but his body always reacted to me. Before we could go any further, Nick pulled away, resting his forehead on mine, I could feel his breath on my face causing me to smile and the intimacy. He placed one more soft kiss on my nose.
“But someone was getting hurt?”
“Yeah, as I said, his wife thought they were happily married, she wanted to try again, they were childhood sweethearts. Annie – that was her name – she confronted me, I tried to stay strong but inside I felt horrible, she was hurting but I was too lost in being in love that I didn’t care at the time. I wished I would have handled it better instead of being such a horrible person, being so – I don’t know.”
“You’re not a horrible person June. You were in love, you loved him, and he loved you, it wraps you and consumes you that you can’t think about anything else, believes me, I know.”
With the shy smile and the fact that his eyes were no longer on mine and instead were focusing on my lips, I knew he was referring to me. It wasn’t a secret that Nick had intense feelings for me, I know that I felt strongly for him, how could I not? Being with Nick was something I don’t think words will ever be able to describe and it was odd combining both of my worlds by sharing this with him. I liked it though, having one less secret between us, being a little bit closer to knowing one another.
My lips were pulled to his by an invisible force, I couldn’t help but smile into the kiss as I felt him doing the same. Nick was like a schoolboy with his first girlfriend and living in this world, it was nice to have that kind of love and devotion, especially when it was from someone like Nick.
His hands were on my hips again, he pulled me into him once again, I noticed that Nick never liked our bodies apart, he always wanted us to be touching in some way. Feeling his body reacting to mine, I knew I needed to pull away, I needed to sneak back in and go to sleep so that no suspicions would be raised.
Nick didn’t get that memo though when I pulled away from the kiss, he kept one hand on my waist, keeping my body connected to his, his other hand moving to stroke the hair out of my face.
“Was that the only time you met her then when she confronted you?”
My heart physically skipped a beat at his questioning, he was desperate for more information, he was desperate for more of my life, desperate for a reason to keep me here a little longer. Why I chose this story I will never, it felt good though, Nick never liked talking about the past and Moira was judgemental when I mentioned Luke’s past.
“That was the only time I spoke to her. Luke left an angry voicemail to her to tell her to leave me alone, I saw her again though. I saw her just once more, it was a fleeting moment, I didn’t even tell Luke…”
The possibility of knowing something that my own husband didn’t, piqued his interest and I could see the curiosity and determination in his eyes. Nick stayed silent, hoping I would continue on my own, his hand resting on the side of my face, I couldn’t help but move into his touch.
“We were at a café – me and Luke were – with Hannah, she was still just a baby, Luke was getting a highchair as I was sitting at the table, and I saw her. She was looking right at us; she saw that I caught her gaze and left. It felt… I don’t know… weird, she was looking at me living the life she wanted, married to Luke with a baby – happy. I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone because then I would have to deal with how I felt and I didn’t want to, I wanted to enjoy my new life as a mom and wife, it was hard.”
Just like before, my gaze fell to his chest and my fingertip traced random outlines of his body as a form of distraction to myself. I didn’t want to let him see the sadness in my eyes, I didn’t want to let him in that far, but in the short time we had been together, he had learned to read my body. Without giving me unwanted sympathy, he leaned down to place a soft kiss on my forehead, tilting my head up and trailing the kisses down my face until he reached my lips.
He hovered over my lips, waiting for permission to kiss me, even though the number of times we had kissed tonight was impossible to remember. He always tried to give me the power, the dominance, the things I didn’t get anymore.
I placed on short kiss on his lips before speaking into his mouth, ruining the mood and the evening.
“I should go – well, I need to go.”
“I don’t want you to go.”
“I don’t want to go either.”
He placed one final kiss on my waiting lips and groaned as he rolled away from me onto his back, his arms covering his eyes, not wanting to watch me leave him again. Leaving was always hard as we never knew what the next day would mean for us and when we could be together again. I didn’t want to leave without the memory of his satiated face, his warm eyes, or his lazy smile.
“It was nice reliving memories with you.”
Finally, he got up, resting on his arms as he looked at me, smiling with honest joy at my statement, he was in deep, loving hearing anything about me.
“Next time it will be your turn, Mr. Blaine. I want to know more about you too.”
That was enough to tell him how I felt as he murmured his usual statement of love towards me when I headed out of the door. Even if I couldn’t say those words to him right now, he must know how much he means to me. Memories are all we have in Gilead and to share them with him was important.