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1. Ain't Got No Time for No Haters
Lupe had gone through a lot of different feelings about the hip hop scene over the past few years. But the one thing he had never realized was that hanging out with Kanye West would involve this many board games.
To start out with, he hadn't expected that he'd spend much time with Kanye outside of a professional context. He'd agreed to work with him, sure, he knew a good beat when he heard one, but he didn't plan on hanging out with him than he needed to. But somehow, before he knew it, he was leaning over a coffee table to add two little blue pegs to his little car.
"Twin boys, there you go," said Kanye. "Hope you're going to be able to support them, because I have a good feeling about my next career move."
"I don't think that's how it works," said Lupe. "But don't worry, I'll have no problem providing for my family."
"That's how it works in the game of Kanye," Kanye said. He took a sip of his latte, cursed, and took off the lid and blew on it before drinking more. "You ever think they should update this? Maybe customize it?"
"How do you mean?"
"So, there's Star Wars Monopoly, with Han Solo and Leia and everyone, and Disney Trivial Pursuit, and then here's Life, which is way better than Monopoly–who actually finishes a game of Monopoly? Even on the tour bus, we skip out halfway through. Life should be the biggest game."
Lupe had to admit that he had a point.
"But it has the same ugly-ass board it's always had, and the same fifties white-bread lifestyles." Kanye almost knocked their cars off the board as he pointed at it; the spinner rocked.
"Yeah, but it's nostalgic. People play it because it's everyone's childhood, like Candy Land or something, not the latest style."
"Sure, but that doesn't mean it couldn't be improved. What I'm doing is, I'm making the game of Kanye. Here, the licensing isn't official yet, but I'll show you." He pulled over his laptop and tapped to bring a game board up on the screen, emblazoned with a Murakami bear. "Potential career paths including rapper/producer, rapper/producer/superstar, fashion designer, mogul, you know." He thought for a second. "Maybe actor, hold on a second." He typed a quick email, then went back to the original game and took his turn. "Awesome, right?"
"So, what's winning in the game of Kanye?" Lupe asked, stretching back in his chair. "Still the biggest pile of cash at the end? The most fame?"
"No, you know, I think you have a misconception about me." Kanye leaned forward. "I want the fame, okay, but the real thing is the acknowledgment. I'm doing what I love, and I'm one of the best in the game; I want that to be recognized."
"So what, you win when you get the Grammy?"
"It can be the awards, and also the collaborations–working with Jay-Z, working with the best up-and-coming artists. Winners retire to Kanye Estates–basically, winning is being Kanye West."
"All right, let me know when it's on the market," Lupe said, spinning the wheel. "How about other lifestyles?"
"What, like the gays?" Kanye asked. "I welcome everyone to play the game of Kanye. Two blue pegs, two pink pegs–hell, two pink pegs and a purple peg."
Lupe wasn't sure if he wanted to picture what that meant. "I was thinking more like people who want to do something other than hip hop or entertainment?"
"What would they be doing playing the game of Kanye?"
2. Baby, There's No Other Superstar
Lupe drew a piece of paper out of the hat and rolled his eyes. "All right, his latest album was Graduation."
"Kanye West!" Kanye said.
Lupe drew out another clue and groaned. "You can't–"
"Timer's going, save the arguing about the rules," Kanye said.
"Fine, he's an egomaniacal rap–"
"Kanye West!" Kanye shouted and slammed the table. "Keep going, time's not up."
Lupe drew out another slip, but the timer on the iPhone chimed before he started giving clues. "You were supposed to put in six different clues, man."
"It's called Celebrities," Kanye said, shrugging. "I call it like I see it. 'Sides, I put in a couple of others."
"That's your writing, right?" said Pharrell, flipping up a slip of paper that read "HOVA."
"See? My team wins the round. Who's ready for charades?"
3. I Got This Notion That the Motion of Your Ocean Needs Small Craft Advisory
"Man, I don't play Connect Four any more," Kanye said. "I met my match."
After the tour, Lupe had sworn up and down that he was ready for some time to himself, to work on his own music and on promoting his people. Chicago meant family and longtime true friends and supportive fans. It was Lupe's downtime - still keeping his fingers in his pies, but in his element instead of a whirl of time zones and artists he'd admired from afar, people who had somehow made the transformation into peers and friends.
He toured with Kanye; he saw him at meetings with labels in New York, or at fashion shows in L.A. Sure they had Chicago in common, they knew each other going back a ways, but Kanye wasn't a Chicago person for him the way his old friends were. And after living on top of each other, it was time for a break. That had lasted two and half days before Kanye had switched from texting him questions about anime to bugging him to come over and hang out.
"Yeah, I saw that on some blog," said Lupe. "That's what you get for going up against Beyoncé."
"I think you mean my blog. I've grown beyond Connect Four, anyway. I have a new way to relax now. Right?" Kanye gestured to a guy who had just come in from the kitchen.
Fifteen minutes later, Kanye had sunk his battleship. But Lupe was ahead, thanks to a couple of lucky hits on minesweepers.
"You're almost as good at this as I am," said Kanye. "You're in the zone."
"It's like war, you know?" said Lupe.
"Battleship?" said Kanye.
"It's all abstracted–we have these little plastic pieces on these little plastic squares, but in reality, this is more real than what George Bush and the generals see when they're waging war in Washington."
"That's the truth," said Kanye. "I like how you thought about that. F6."
"Miss," Lupe said. "H8?"
"Hit," Kanye said. "I'm always awesome at Battleship; how are you winning?"
"I'm pretty talented at Battleship," said Lupe. "Also, you might see this as unfair, but there's a mirror behind you."
"What the fuck?" Kanye said, turning around. "There's no-"
"Made you look."
"Man, that's even worse than cheating," said Kanye. "Just own how great you are. So, where's that frigate?" He reached for Lupe's board; Lupe pushed it away and held Kanye's wrists back. Kanye twisted and broke free, saying "is that what you want to play?" He dove for Lupe's legs, pulling him off the couch down to the ground. Lupe hooked his leg behind Kanye's knees, rolled him over, and pinned him to the ground in twelve seconds.
Kanye went still. "Damn, you're good at that." He was breathing hard, considering how short the tussle had been.
"I've got some training," Lupe said. He shifted and made himself a little more comfortable.
"I though you were a pacifist, all that shit you were saying." There was still tension in his body, but he wasn't struggling.
"Oh, I believe force has a place in the world," said Lupe. "I'd just rather not trust George Bush with it."
"So, wait, are you a black belt or what?" Kanye said. He took a deep breath and stretched out his arms. Lupe held them to the floor with one hand; some of the tension released. "I always meant to take karate or jiu jitsu or something; I'd be a black belt in no time. Maybe I could use some of that in my show."
He was still tightly drawn under Lupe, stretching and tensing in different ways now. Lupe held his wrists more loosely now, leaving the out if he wanted it, and took the gamble. "I could show you a few moves," he murmured, hating himself a little bit for how ridiculous that line was. But if you couldn't use the most cheesy and obvious lines with Kanye West, where could you use them? Kanye's eyes were closed. Lupe bent down and kissed him hard on the mouth, no point in doing this halfway now. Kanye kissed back right away, still letting Lupe hold his hands above his head and rocking his hips up. Kanye nibbled his lip; Lupe bit back harder.
And then doorbell rang. Kanye pulled back and looked dazed. "Did we order delivery?"
"Yeah," Lupe said. "That sushi place. I'm going to answer the door."
"Okay," said Kanye.
It wasn't the sushi; it was a courier with some contracts for Kanye that had to be signed right away. The interruption wasn't so bad, they would be able to get right back to what they were doing, unless Kanye took the pause as an opportunity to freak out; Lupe figured it was about 75-25 in his favor. He wondered if he was glaring at the courier too obviously.
The sushi arrived just before the courier left, and there wouldn't have been any problem at all if Kanye hadn't called the courier back to ask his opinion on a couple of website design options. The courier turned too quickly and tripped straight into the delivery guy. The tray of sushi went flying; when they'd sorted everyone out, there was soy sauce on the contracts and wasabi on their hands and sashimi in places Lupe had never needed sashimi.
4. How Come Every Time You Come Around
Things might have been simpler if Kanye hadn't managed to persuade Jay and Beyoncé that they should start playing bridge.
He had started emailing them tutorials and links to exciting new recipes for Chex mix, and then pulled Lupe in to be his partner. Jay and Beyoncé had taken to the game like naturals, reading each other's cues effortlessly. Kanye, on the other hand, ignored bidding conventions completely and went for broke every time–and he pulled it off just often enough to stay in the game. Their first bridge party got cut short at a tie when Beyoncé took a break for a business call and Kanye got into an argument with the delivery guy about Chicago and New York pizza.
So when a snowstorm stranded Jay and Beyoncé in Chicago for the night, Kanye called from outside of Lupe's building and informed him that they were going to the airport Hilton for him to claim his victory, and that Lupe was driving because his Range Rover would be better for the snow.
It was cold enough that the salt wasn't doing much for the ice, and the roads were packed with commuters who hadn't beaten the storm.
"I told you, we should have taken the Dan Ryan," Kanye said as they stared at the sea of taillights ahead of them. They hadn't made it to the next exit before Jay texted and told them to stay home.
Kanye frowned. "Cowards. They're going to get bored, stuck in that hotel room without our bridge skills to keep them busy," he said. Lupe looked at him. "Okay, maybe not."
Traffic was even worse headed the other way.
"Get off here," said Kanye.
"What?" said Lupe. "I was going to go over to–"
"Just get off now, I know this."
"I think I know my way around my own city."
"Come on, right here," said Kanye. Lupe didn't want to hear Kanye bugging him for the next five miles. He jerked the wheel and took the exit Kanye was pointing at, switching lanes in front of a slow-moving florist's van, and noticing, just too late, that the road off of the exit was blocked off for work on a water main, with a detour sign hanging askew by one bolt.
"Shit," he said, and pulled into an alley to turn around. His wheels spun briefly as they hit ice, but he managed to get out of the alley before hitting a frozen puddle and skidding into a plowed heap of snow in front of a loading dock.
"What the fuck?" Kanye shouted. "What are you doing?"
"You think I'm doing this on purpose?" Lupe said. "First of all, it was your idea to go out in this weather; second, it was your idea to get off the highway." He tried to reverse, but they just rocked in place. "And third, only Kanye West would think that the blizzard of the decade shouldn't stop him from showing his superiority at bridge. You want to push?"
Kanye pulled up his ridiculous, fur-lined hood and looked at his gloves. "Italian leather. Do you know how much these cost?"
"Do you want to walk home?" Lupe said. "Honestly, I don't know why I agreed to any of this."
After twenty minutes of both of them digging and pushing, they tried one more time and heard the sharp bang of a tire blowing. Lupe called AAA and got put on hold.
"You want to see if you can get hold of anyone?" he asked Kanye.
"Hold up, I'm finishing this post," he said.
"Are you blogging this?" asked Lupe.
"Not this specifically; P just emailed me these dope sneakers and I want to repost it before I forget - want to see?" Lupe was about to look when Kanye shook his phone and said, "Damn, there went my reception."
"Is Chicago trying to tell you something?" Lupe asked.
"Chicago loves me."
"Chicago thinks you should stop blogging and start digging."
"Yeah, just a second," said Kanye. "I need to tell my guy at Louie what I think of this hoodie. They're sending a couple of samples; do you think I would look hotter in black with black fur, or gold with white fur?"
Lupe spun away from the pictures Kanye was trying to show him and kicked the snow. "Can you try not thinking about Kanye for thirty seconds?" A cab slowly cruised past. He ran after to hail it. As he pulled the door open and climbed in, Kanye shouted.
"Hey! Wait up!" He picked his way over the snow to the curb, still typing with one hand. "Back over here, come get me."
"Hurry yourself over here," Lupe said, the door still open.
"As soon as I finish this email," said Kanye.
"Don't worry about him," Lupe told the cabbie, pulling door shut. "He's taking care of his own ride." He told the cabbie his address, and they inched cautiously down the street. Lupe brushed the snow off of his jacket and jumped when he heard a pounding at the window. Kanye was jogging alongside the cab, trying to communicate something with sign language. Lupe turned away. His phone rang.
"Seriously, pull over and let me in," said Kanye. Lupe hung up; he looked back out the window and saw Kanye making an exaggerated sad face and miming tears.
"It's really fucking cold!" he heard faintly through the window.
"Could you turn up the radio?" Lupe asked the driver. "I'm a huge fan of Fiddy; this is such a fantastic track."
Kanye was still alongside, shouting obscenities that Lupe could barely hear over the music. The cab pulled to a stop at a light and Kanye got a little ahead, then skidded to a stop and disappeared, dropping down from Lupe's view. A foot kicked up towards the window.
"Okay, hold on," Lupe told the driver. He opened up the door and saw Kanye sprawled dramatically on the ground.
"Thank god," said Kanye. "I was about to freeze out here."
Lupe stared at him.
"I'm thinking gold with white fur, right?" said Kanye. Lupe started to close the door.
"I'm sorry!" said Kanye. "I'm an ass." Lupe opened the door again. "And I really respect your driving." Lupe reached out a hand and pulled him in.
"I've never been so glad to be inside a cab," said Kanye, pulling the door shut and plastering himself against Lupe. "You've only been in here two minutes longer than me; how are you so warm?" He shoved his hands under Lupe's jacket. Lupe shivered and wrapped an arm around Kanye's shoulder, rubbing briskly to warm him up.
"On the other hand, the black would work better with my favorite kicks."
"Can we go a little faster?" Lupe asked the driver.
5. Just Rolled the Dice Trying to Get Some Change
So, okay, Kanye had surprised Lupe in a lot of ways. But the most infuriating was that Kanye won almost every game he initiated. Until the day Lupe showed up at Kanye's house with a backgammon set. He had the day off, he had some album design he wanted to show Kanye, and he hadn't seen him in a few days, so he sent an email and headed over twenty minutes later.
There were a couple of guys Lupe didn't know hanging out when he got there. One of them rang some kind of bell–a musician, maybe, but not a rapper–in a pop band? The other was a funny-looking white guy.
"Hey, have you met Nick and De'Mar?" Kanye asked. "Nick came over to look at some designs for my line; he's got a great eye."
"Always glad to help," Nick said, clapping an arm around Kanye's shoulder. "Kanye has a terrific instinct for design, but I've really helped him out with colors," he said to Lupe. De'Mar rolled his eyes.
"It's true, I have to admit it," Kanye said. "I've learned a lot from these guys."
"Is that backgammon?" Nick asked. "I love that game."
"Yeah, Lu's going to teach me," said Kanye. "It was great seeing you guys; give me a call when you're back in town. We should do dinner."
"Come on by my place any time," said Nick. "Grilled cheese is just one dollar after midnight on weekends."
"Grilled cheese?" asked Lupe as the other two left.
"He's an entrepreneur," said Kanye. "He's got a dope bar; I haven't been to his restaurant but I promise it's the best grilled cheese you'll ever have."
Lupe pulled out the backgammon board and started teaching him the moves; Kanye picked it up quickly and they played a few games; Lupe won three out of four. "What if we started out with the pieces like this?" Kanye said, laying them out in a new pattern.
"That's not how it works," said Lupe. "It's traditional. You ever play this with the old Turkish guys who've been playing all their lives, they'll be insulted if you make a dumb move."
"What's the point of playing, then, if it's just playing out what the dice roll?"
"It's like a ritual," said Lupe. "You follow the rules, you follow the moves, and the combinations play out. But your play definitely shows your personality. Besides," he looked straight at Kanye. "If it's all the luck of the roll, why do I keep beating you?"
"Beginner's luck," said Kanye.
"Shouldn't that work the other way?" said Lupe.
"Not when you're playing against me," Kanye explained. "The only time people have a chance against me is when I'm a beginner. Once I start hustling, there's no one better."
"Oh, I can hold my own," Lupe said, grinning despite himself. "I think there are even a few things I can best you at."
"You know I respect you," said Kanye. Lupe nodded, holding the eye contact. Kanye leaned forward. "I'm serious, more than almost anyone else I hang with - you're pretty much as good at rapping and producing, and almost as good-looking. So I think what you mean is that you can keep up with me."
"So I'm almost as great as Kanye West?" Lupe said, moving around to stand by the couch, his knees brushing Kanye's.
"You're the best," said Kanye. "I mean that." He paused, looking up at Lupe. "Except for me."
"Yeah, I'm pretty good at a few things," said Lupe, kneeling across Kanye's lap and bracing his hands against the back of the couch.
"You've got to convince people of what you're good at," said Kanye. "Tell me, show me, sell me on it."
"I can do that," Lupe said.
"I think blowjobs would be a good place to start."