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They're dating for a little over a month before Shadow messes up.
He manages well the first few weeks, much to his own surprise. He had thought for sure with how terribly his heart would pound whenever he and Sonic so much as held hands that he'd slip up. But he's able to reign it in, even if it sometimes felt like he was smothering himself.
He’s gotten good at it, but he can only stay on top of it for so long.
"Man, that was not as good as the book," Sonic remarks on their way out of the theater.
"Movie adaptations rarely are," Shadow says as he checks his watch. 9:33. He's usually in bed by now. Perhaps Rouge was right about him having the circadian rhythm of an octogenarian.
He looks up to find Sonic's face inches from his own, a mischievous grin on the other’s muzzle. "Yea, but what about that scene?"
Shadow's heartbeat falters as he takes a small step back. "What scene?"
"You knoooow." Sonic wiggles his eyebrows. "The steamy romantic scene.”
Shadow knows. To be fair, there were plenty of scenes that would fit that description, but he knows which one Sonic is referring to. He swallows and looks away. “Yes, it was certainly, um...evocative.” Don’t think about it. Change the topic. “Those special effects looked impressive.” It’s gone now. Locked in the Vault.
“We could totally cosplay those two, you know. I mean, Blue and Red.” Sonic completely ignores Shadow’s attempt to derail. “We’ve already got the color scheme down. All we need is hundreds of passionate letters and a flirty rivalry.” He gives Shadow a sultry look before grabbing hold of his hand with a wide grin.
“Although I guess we already have that last one down too.”
This movie was a terrible idea. Shadow has to quickly push down the bubbling pressure before it breaks containment.
Just as he’s about to change the subject again, he feels the first drop of water on his nose. A low rumble in the distance follows.
“Oh geez,” Sonic says. “I didn’t know it was gonna rain.”
Shadow had known. And yet he forgot to bring an umbrella. Too bogged down in all the details of just getting through the movie to think about afterwards.
They take shelter from the sudden downpour under the roof of a bus stop.
“Whew,” Sonic whistles. “It’s really comin’ down, huh?”
“Mmn,” Shadow offers as a response. The apartment he shares with Rouge is almost on the other side of the city. After he gets Sonic home, he could just stay at a nearby hotel overnight, seeing as the storm is predicted to last for hours. It’d just be one night. He starts to text Rouge about this train of thought.
“Welp, I better let Tails know you’re staying over!”
“What?” Shadow looks up and sees Sonic whip out his own phone. But the other hedgehog is lightning fast and finishes texting Tails before Shadow can even articulate an objection.
“We’re only a few blocks away from our place. And Tails’ll probably be in his workshop most of the night, so he won’t mind. What d’ya say?”
And Sonic gives him that earnest look, genuine and excited at the prospect of spending more time with Shadow of all people. It would be the first time they ever spent the night together Shadow realizes as his heart seems to thump just under the skin of his chest, ready to break out at any moment. Control it . There’s no way he’s ready for such a step in the relationship.
He looks out at the falling rain pelting the roads and sidewalks and imagines himself trying to walk home in the storm, staying at a crummy hotel with an uncomfortable mattress, or spending the night at Sonic’s place. He allows himself to pick the better option just this once.
“If Tails really doesn’t mind, then…sure.”
The joy on Sonic’s face is stronger than Shadow’s desire to rescind his decision.
Perhaps he had messed up long before Sonic.
Rouge probably knows. He lives with her, so it’s nearly impossible to constantly regulate himself. He can recall several instances in which he let himself slip, and he knows Rouge must have felt it. Felt him . But Rouge isn’t one to broach a topic if he doesn’t explicitly mention it first. Maybe she knows and just has no idea on how to confront him about it. Maybe she knows but can’t even articulate the problem at hand and its abstract nature. Maybe he hopes it will stay that way.
Omega can’t possibly know, and Shadow finds he can relax his hold around the robot. It must be his lack of a brain and necessary biochemicals to experience the problem that make him immune. So Shadow can let go (not completely, never completely) and express himself in ways he can’t possibly with anyone else. Still, in his most paranoid moments, he thinks Omega does know, does experience it, but chooses to ignore it or labels it as a malfunction on his own part.
Silver probably thinks Shadow hates him. Not without reason. Shadow worries that the other hedgehog’s telekinetic abilities will pick up on Shadow easily. Silver’s not the type to have tact or delicacy in a situation. He would bring it up. He would ask Shadow questions, and Shadow would have to answer. The only solution to making sure such a situation never happens is to never stick around if Silver is present.
Rose is too naturally intuitive. If Shadow didn’t know better, he would think she’s of a similar telekinetic type as Silver. But there’s something about Amy where she picks up on certain cues in situations that no one else can. And that ability is far too dangerous to be exposed to. Even if she probably already knows. He’s seen the looks she’ll give him whenever she manages to crack him open in their private conversations.
And then there’s Sonic.
It’s interesting being at Sonic and Tails’s place at night. The indoor lights make everything look one degree different compared to how he normally sees it in the daylight. He’s tense and antsy on his feet even though he’s been here on several occasions. He knows this place. This shouldn’t be such a big deal. But it is.
They go in through the workshop’s entrance and dry off. Shadow barely sees Tails’s hand wave to him over whatever machine the fox is working on before Sonic drags Shadow further into the house.
“Ya hungry? Thirsty?” He feels Sonic’s pulse jump in the hand that’s holding his own, an ever so slightly crooked smile the only other hint that Sonic is nervous too. Thank god.
“Well, I usually have some tea before bed, but—”
“I’ll get you some! Wait, shoot. I don’t know if we have any. Uhhh…” Sonic’s hold on Shadow’s hand loosens as the visibly distraught hedgehog scans their kitchen. “Oh, I know! Would hot chocolate work?”
He can feel his muscles push their way into forming a smile. It’s moments like these where he thinks maybe it’d be okay to let go. He doesn’t.
“Sure. Just a small cup.”
They recount their favorite parts (and least favorite parts) of the movie while the milk heats up.
“Still, for all the different settings they had to shoot at, they did a pretty good job. All I’m saying is, they could’ve done a little better with Garden and Agency.”
Shadow nods a little sleepily, the deviation from his usual circadian rhythm catching up with him.
“Aaaalright! One small cup of hot chocolate for Shadow!” Sonic says with flair as he sets the mug in front of Shadow. The mug has Van Gogh’s Starry Night depicted on it, which means it’s one of Sonic’s mugs that he’s letting Shadow use. Shadow pretends the heat in his face is from the steam of the hot chocolate.
“Marshmallows?” Sonic holds the bag up.
“No thanks.”
“More for me!” He says as he dumps a handful in the drink he made for himself. “Ah!” A stray marshmallow falls out of the mug when the pile gets too high. Sonic tries to catch it before it lands on the floor, but Shadow goes for it at the same time. Their foreheads collide, and nobody catches the doomed marshmallow.
“Ow!”
“Oof!”
Their collision results in a pileup of tangled limbs and knocked over chairs. They bump into the table in the process and knock over the drinks, hot chocolate now spilling over the side of the table and onto the floor. A drawback of two extremely fast beings dating: these situations.
“Sorry! Sorry! You okay, Shadow?” Sonic apologizes as they untangle and gather themselves and shake hot chocolate off of their fur. Shadow sighs, not particularly loving the sticky drink being in his fur. Great. Now he’ll need a shower.
“Shit, I’m really sorry. Dammit…” Shadow’s ears twitch at the rare sound of Sonic cursing. He looks over and sees Sonic donning that sad puppy look Shadow can’t stand. “I really wanted this to be fun and I know you’re tired and now I messed it up. Ugh, I’m really sorr—Wait, what’s so funny?”
He doesn’t mean to be giggling and god damn if he isn’t trying to hide it under a hand. Out of fear that he’ll really start laughing if he talks, Shadow simply points to the array of marshmallows adorning Sonic’s head.
“Oh.” Sonic realizes when he feels on his head and plucks a marshmallow off. He looks at Shadow before a smile spreads on his face as well, all notions of remorse having vanished when he bursts out laughing. They throw marshmallows and laugh at each other for much longer than they should, but Shadow is just relieved that Sonic’s mood picked back up. It’s easy to forget that it can’t always be like this.
Two showers later, and they’re clean in Sonic’s room. He doesn’t have the energy to feel embarrassed or nervous about sharing the bed with Sonic. It’s a king size and they each have plenty of room. Shadow just silently prays that with the pitter patter of rain on the roof and his level of exhaustion he’ll sleep through the night in one go.
“G’night, Shadow.”
Please. Just one night.
“Goodnight, Sonic.”
The lights shut out.
He isn’t sure when it started happening, but it definitely had taken Shadow a few times of it happening for him to realize he and Sonic would hang out more and more often. Not racing. Not sparing. Not begrudgingly working together to save the world from destruction. Just...hanging out. He thinks it started that night Sonic had bumped into him at the park at 3 in the morning. He remembers being surprised Sonic would be out at such an hour.
“Aw, you know. Couldn’t sleep and junk.”
The usual lackadaisical bravado had been missing from Sonic. It had caught Shadow off guard. Too off guard.
“I suppose I can relate.”
It had become an unspoken meeting place of sorts. The quiet of the park at night made for a good secret hideout for them despite being out in the open. They had never actually spoken of what kept them awake those nights, but whenever one of them needed to be there, all it took was a short text message to the other.
“Why don’t we try coming here during the day sometime? It’ll probably be way less depressing. Plus, there’s a book me and Amy have been reading that I think you’d like, and it’s a bit hard to read in the dark, yea?”
That’s how he learned despite all preconceived notions of the other hedgehog that Sonic actually likes reading. More than that, he learned that Sonic loves playing darts despite being terrible at it. Learned that Sonic can’t hold a tune to save his life. Learned that Sonic holds one of the world’s top scores in Pacman.
He learned something about himself too after he started spending time with Sonic. Learned it the same day Sonic formally asked to go out on a date with him. He knows he shouldn’t have said yes. Knows he isn’t good enough for Sonic, isn’t normal enough. There’s no feasible way to hide what he is in a relationship. But against all his better judgement, he agrees.
An insipid nightmare seeps into his mind that night.
It’s nothing coherent. Lots of flashing colors and screaming and pain. But still, he wakes up sweating and teary-eyed, his heart ready to pound its way out of his chest. He gasps at the sound of booming thunder outside. It’s still raining.
“Mmh, Shadow? You okay?” Sonic’s drowsy voice wraps around Shadow in what should be a comfort for his aching body. Instead it feels like a security system breach.
“Yeah,” Shadow croaks out. “Just gonna...go to the bathroom. Go back to sleep.”
Sonic hums, his eyes never opening as he curls back into the comforter. It takes Shadow a few minutes to actually move his body, stiff and painful from the tension that feels like burning ice coating his muscles.
God, he feels like he’s going to explode. His steps begin slow and deliberate as he’s exiting the bedroom, but once he’s in the hallway he speeds up until he’s practically sprinting to the kitchen. Water. He just needs a drink of water. His hand holding the glass shakes, the water in it sloshing about and looking just like how his stomach feels. Never mind. No water. He’s going to be sick.
There has to be something he can do to even himself out. Normally all it takes is some tamping down and a distraction. A new thought that can hold his attention long enough to forget the previous one. But all he can think about are the bright lights and the pungent smell of chemicals and blood and it hurts .
Sonic’s asleep. He’s in a completely different room. It’s probably safe enough to let go. Still, Shadow refuses. He feels the liquid build up behind his eyes and bites down on his fist hard in a desperate attempt to focus on this pain, this reality, instead of what’s in his mind. But all he manages to do is muffle his sobbing and get blood on the kitchen floor. He knows it’s pointless at this juncture to keep doing what he’s doing, but he’s a stripped screw that’s been tightened way too many times. He just bites down harder, curls into himself tighter. Crouches down onto the balls of his feet and begins rocking back and forth, a strained whine leaking from his throat that sounded not unlike a tea kettle with boiling steam.
“Shadow?”
He stops breathing. Sonic is standing in the entryway.
Oh.
Oh no.
He takes a few gulps of air and tries to stand up, but his legs are too weak. He ends up collapsing back onto the tiled floor with a sob that had no permission to be voiced. It’s useless at this point. Fat tears pour from his eyes, and he has no strength to stop them. The only problem is—
“Shadow, what’s going on?” Sonic says, his voice cracking roughly by the end of his sentence. He blinks, a strange look passing over his face before tears leak from his eyes as well. And dammit, seeing Sonic so confused and upset only fuels Shadow’s breakdown. A vicious cycle .
Sonic furiously scrubs away the tears on his face only for more to pour out. He keeps wiping them off as he says between sniffles, “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m getting upset. I wanted to check on you and—” He’s interrupted by Shadow choking out another sob, and almost immediately the same woeful sound comes out of Sonic.
The other hedgehog is about to apologize again for something that’s completely not his fault, and Shadow has to come clean. It’s not fair to Sonic.
“It’s not you!” He doesn’t want to shout, but he feels like he’s competing with the thunder that booms outside and crashes in his mind.
Sonic blinks. “What are you—?”
“It’s me! God dammit, it’s me! It’s my fault.” His throat is burning and tight, but he forces the words out through the tears. “I didn’t want to spread it to you. It just happens, and I can’t control it. I-I try so damn hard all the time. I didn’t want you to know.”
Slowly, slowly , Sonic approaches him, his tearful face a mirror of Shadow’s. "I don't know what you're talking about but—" He sniffs and reaches for a paper towel from the counter above Shadow. He crouches down to his knees and takes Shadow's bloodied hand in his own, gently pressing the towel on the wounds. "Why don't you explain over a proper mug of hot chocolate? I promise it won’t get spilled this time."
It’s enough to make Shadow start crying again. But for a different reason.
Sometimes he thinks back in time and wonders if Maria and the Professor knew.
There’s no way Maria didn’t know to some degree. Not with the emotional vulnerability he held with her. But that’s okay because it had been different with Maria. Even if he didn’t have this strange affliction, they were a bonded pair. His joys and sorrows had been hers and hers had been his. And that had been just fine.
The anger he felt over his creator hiding the secret of his origin has long faded, but a certain bitter taste remains in his mouth when he thinks of the man. Had he known about this? Had he known Shadow’s emotions don’t stay strictly within his own body?
“I still don’t quite understand.”
Shadow sighs. True to his word, Sonic had made more hot chocolate, this time with no marshmallow casualties. The creamy and warm sweetness soothes Shadow’s aching body. He uses one hand to take small sips of the drink while his other is occupied with Sonic. The one he’d once called a rival is now cleaning Shadow’s self-inflicted wounds with small and delicate movements he would have never expected from the other. Even more than the hot drink, the feeling of Sonic handling him stirs a pleasant warmth deep within his body, and he watches with an almost fascination that someone is caring so much for him.
“I don’t really understand myself either,” Shadow says slowly, still trying to find the right words that can properly convey the issue. “I never noticed until after the Black Arms invasion and I started living with Rouge that I...People around me feel what I feel. Not all the time and not everyone, but when it’s someone I’m close with and it’s strong feelings, they just...infect everyone around me.”
It hurts to say it aloud, but it also feels like he just threw a several ton weight off his chest.
Sonic’s brow furrows. He’s trying so hard to understand. “And this is a Black Arms thing?”
Shadow huffs out a dry chuckle. “Unless Gerald threw something else in my DNA cocktail that I’m not aware of, I’ll be assuming so, yes. From the information Rouge had gathered on them and what I know about them, we know they’re a hivemind species. They’re linked to each other and can share their thoughts and feelings among one another. At least they all probably know how to control it.” He scowls into his reflection in the hot chocolate, irrationally wishing that all of his being could be contained in such a small space as easily as his reflection is.
“Okay, I think I get it.” Sonic finishes bandaging Shadow’s hand and gives a few gentle pats on his knuckles before leaning back, his arms crossed as he looks to the ceiling in thought. “So when you were upset earlier…”
Shadow nods. There’s not much else to say.
Silence. The rhythm of the rain outside starts to slow down. It sounds less frantic, more steady. In the space between the sound of their voices, Shadow comes to his own conclusion.
“I’m sorry. I knew this wasn’t going to work, but I still agreed to be together. But I know it’s not...it’s not fair to burden you like this.” He doesn’t know how to say it plainer, but he knows this is where things end. Who could be with someone who’s constantly leaking their emotions to the other? It’d be different if there was reciprocity involved, if they were a proper hivemind so to speak, but it’s as if Shadow is trying to form his own hivemind with those who physically cannot do the same. And so he just ends up dumping all his feelings onto them, all his sadness and anger and pain. He had made Sonic feel as horrible as he does, and Sonic doesn’t deserve that.
Shadow looks up, fully expecting an agreement to come his way. But instead—
“You don’t...want to be together?”
Sonic looks heartbroken.
“No...You just don’t want to hurt others. Is that it?” Sonic tilts his head, his eyes burrowing into Shadow’s. “It’s weird, but now that you’ve told me, I think I can feel it.”
“What?”
Sonic leans over a little and Shadow responds in kind leaning backwards. “What are you—?” The other hedgehog grasps Shadow’s face with his hands and brings their foreheads together for the second time that night, his eyes closed in concentration. The hell is he doing?
“Well now you’re just confused,” Sonic says, the close proximity of the position causing his breath to tickle Shadow’s face. He pulls away and releases Shadow. He’s smiling.
“Why do you look so happy?” Shadow asks incredulously.
“Sorry.” Sonic rubs the back of his neck sheepishly. “I’m just glad I finally know. I wish you had told me sooner, but that’s okay. Now I’ll at least know how to tell if I’m feeling my own emotions or yours.”
Wait...He’s talking as if—
“Oh, and we’re totally not breaking up over this. At least not yet. Give yourself a chance to work this out, yea?” He reaches over and holds onto Shadow’s hand, the one he just took care of so kindly. “I don’t mind if I feel what you feel.”
“But you should!” Shadow finally finds it in him to push back against what Sonic is suggesting. But he doesn’t pull his hand away.
“Why?”
“Just look at tonight! I made you feel awful.”
Sonic thinks for a moment. “Maybe, but you also made me feel happy earlier.”
What?
“It does kinda suck that I can’t pass my own feelings to you, cause then you would have known how crummy I felt earlier when I messed up the hot chocolate. I thought it was weird that I suddenly felt better after you started laughing, but now I get it.” Sonic gives Shadow’s hand a small squeeze. “It’s not just the bad stuff other people feel.”
Oh.
He hadn’t thought of that.
“And I bet tonight wouldn’t have been so bad if you weren’t always trying to bottle this stuff in, right?”
Shadow concedes. “I...suppose so, yes.”
His words give Sonic a boost, the other hedgehog sitting a little taller. “I’ll admit, I’m not the best either at being open about this stuff, but we can both work on it together.” He pauses and grabs Shadow’s other hand. “Is that okay?”
There’s that earnest look again. The one that throws Shadow through a whirlwind of emotions. Only this time, he tries to allow himself to actually experience them, a comforting warmth flooding his bones. He releases a shuddering breath, the catharsis racking his body for a brief moment.
Not trusting his own voice, Shadow nods and before Sonic can do it, initiates a tight hug with the other, pulling Sonic close and pressing his face into the blue fur on his shoulder. His limbs feel tingly and happy, and his heart flutters when Sonic hugs him back.
Is this okay? Is he doing this right?
“Yea, Shadow, you’re just fine.”
I have built a you within me, or you have. I wonder what of me there is in you.