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The end of the world is exactly what you’d expect. Somehow it manages to be everything all at once and absolutely nothing at the same time. The grass is greener until it's soaked in blood.
Mark thinks about slamming on the brakes to give Jeno a little whiplash as payback for his reckless actions today, but decides against it, knowing they have to get back to the farm before the sun sets. They haven’t said a word to each other since they escaped the walkers, but Mark can see the brewing explosion behind Jeno’s eyes.
“Come on. Out with it already.”
He’s pushing Jeno’s buttons on purpose and he knows it, trying to get him to react just because he can. They’ve been driving for an hour now and haven’t seen a soul, dead or alive. They’re alone. They’re so alone that Mark wants to watch Jeno scream and shout and cry like he hasn’t been able to in weeks in case he makes too much noise.
Jeno doesn't say anything, but Mark watches as he clenches his jaw so hard a vein pops out in the side of his neck. He doesn't even need to keep his eyes on the road as they’ve been driving in a straight line for so long now, and there isn’t another bend in the road for ages yet, so he watches Jeno.
He glares into the side of his head until he watches all the blood in Jeno’s body rush up to his ears and he glows like a warning sign. Mark should take the warning. Back off. Turn around. Shut his mouth.
But he doesn't.
“Come on, Jeno. What the fuck was that? Huh? You think you get to act like that without an explanation? Act like you’re not afraid of anything, is that it? Tell me I’m-”
“Watch your fucking speed, asshole!”
Jeno turns to him so fast and has such a harsh look in his eyes that Mark physically recoils. Only then does he realise how hard he’s been pushing the accelerator. There’s no speed limits in the zombie apocalypse, but Mark has seen first hand where lack of attention can land you. He panics and almost swerves, but Jeno is quick in snatching the wheel and curving back on the road while Mark hits the brakes so hard it stalls the car.
They sit for a minute, in complete and utter silence. For the first time since the beginning, Jeno feels regret. Up until now, he has taken great pride in doing whatever he feels is right and living with it, no matter the cost. It hasn’t always been pretty but he does what needs to be done. Today is the first time he thinks he might be wrong.
Mark doesn't say anything else, restarting the car and continuing down the road. Once again, neither of them say anything for a long time. Mark keeps opening and closing his mouth like a fish out of water because he can't find the words for what he’s trying to say. In the end he doesn't say anything and just shifts in his seat uncomfortably.
“I did it to protect you.” Jeno’s words feel like a bullet to the gut and Mark has to blink hard to stop his eyes from watering. How could he say that after what he did back there?
He can't reply, but after a while they pull over and switch because Mark is starting to get cramps from trying to drive so tensely. Jeno starts the engine and does that annoying thing that Mark hates, driving one handed. Jeno sees Mark glancing at his free hand out of the corner of his eye and hesitantly puts it on the wheel, knowing Mark feels like he has more control this way.
“I had to protect you, Mark.”
“Yeah? Yeah? That’s what that was?” Mark raises his voice on instinct, not caring that the windows are rolled down and he’s probably alerting any walkers in the area to their presence. Jeno swallows thickly, nodding his head.
“You almost got yourself killed, Jeno. What good are you protecting me if you’re dead?” His teeth are clenched so hard as he spits out the words that he can hear them grinding inside his head. In this moment, he is filled with so much anger that he isn’t sure he’s not considering killing Jeno himself.
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?”
“You were cornered, Mark! What was I supposed to do? Leave you there?”
“That’s exactly what you’re supposed to do! I could have handled it. What did you think was going to happen when you started banging on all those gates and shooting all the windows out? You were supposed to leave me behind!”
Jeno’s chest is heaving and he’s trying to stay calm so they don’t have an accident but Mark isn’t listening to him and he can feel himself getting defensive.
“Well I didn't! I didn’t want to fucking leave you behind, Mark!” The wheel is unsteady in his hands but they’re still heading forward. The car is jumpy but it's fast and one wrong move and they’ll be flipped into the river beside them and left for dead. “I needed them to come to me. Get you out of there. You had to get home to Jisung. What was I supposed to say to him if I turned up alone, huh? Tell me, Mark!”
At the mention of his younger brother, Mark closes his mouth. If he’d died today, Jisung would have no one left. No more family. He presses the palms of his hands into his eye sockets and chokes on his own breath.
“What about me? How would I live without you?” Jeno’s words are so quiet, so soft that it sets Mark off crying and soon he is sobbing into the collar of his shirt. “I don’t want to live in this world without you, Mark.”
Mark brings his feet up on the chair so he can hug himself, feeling the vibrations of the car rumble through his spine as Jeno drives straight over a dead walker.
“I didn’t leave you behind, Mark. I couldn’t. And I made the right call, because now you’re safe. Who cares what I did back there when we both made it out? We’re still together, just like I promised.”
In his head, Mark knows Jeno is right. In the end, his actions saved both of them, and Mark is grateful that he gets to live another day. But his heart remembers the way the walkers began to crowd around Jeno so tightly that Mark couldn’t even see him anymore. His heart remembers screaming his name and getting no response. His heart remembers dragging himself back to the car, thinking Jeno was well and truly dead, only to see him leaning against the car door looking like he’d taken a bath in guts.
“I thought I’d just watched you die. I thought you sacrificed yourself for me.”
“And what would you have done if I had?”
Mark can't respond. He can't help but think about how cruel of a question that is. How can Jeno sit here and tell Mark that he wouldn’t be able to live without him but ask him to do the same? He opens his mouth but only a weak little whine comes out and Jeno steps harder on the accelerator. If times were normal, he would've already been pulled over and arrested.
“You would have gone home, Mark. You would have got in this car and drove home by yourself because Jisung needs you. Jaemin needs you and Chenle needs you and Renjun needs you. And if Donghyuck were still here, we both know he would need you too. I know what you’re thinking, and no, you wouldn’t have given up and let the walkers take you, because that's not the type of person you are. You have to get these supplies back to the group and you know it.”
“I thought I’d watched you die, Jeno!”
“But you didn’t! You didn’t watch me die, so get over it. I did what I had to do. I wasn't going to let someone else get swamped and run away again like a coward.” His body is shaking but he keeps the vehicle straight. He’s doing his best but his breath is ragged and he looks like he wants to burst into tears.
“What happened to Donghyuck… It wasn’t your fault.” Jeno sucks in a deep breath through his nose and blinks too many times to count. Mark puts his hand over Jeno’s on the steering wheel before gently bringing it to his lips. He holds Jeno’s hand to his face, cradling it near his chin in comfort. Now he knows why Jeno acted the way he did, he feels like it would be unfair to carry on yelling at him.
Jeno’s foot is pressing harder despite the reassurance, and Mark is starting to recognise the forest around them a little more. They’re getting closer to the farm little by little, closer to their friends. Closer to home. Suddenly all of Mark’s anger and fear fades away and he feels himself relax for just a moment. Another successful trip. For now, they are safe again.
“Watch your speed, asshole. We wouldn’t want anyone getting hurt now, would we?”