Big Bird is the bad guy

by theoriginalscorpio

Summary:

Statler and Waldorf star in a thrilling enemies to lovers to friends to enemies to lovers slow burn fic

Chapter 1: Pilot

Summary:

Statler and Waldorf meet.... again?????

Waldorf looked into the mirror in the dressing room, he took a deep breath and brushed his wispy white hair out of his face. This audition could make him a star, or it could lose him a job and end him right back on his sister's couch. This was important. After his audition, Waldorf ran into-

“Statler,” Waldorf growled. Statler was at every audition Waldorf was, and always felt the need to outshine him. They had been enemies since they met in the Hollywood community improv group. The two muppets were so competitive they both got kicked out. It had been a three year long feud that Waldorf felt would never end.

“Waldorf”, Statler responded. They danced around each other in the hall, glaring into each other’s eyes, before they parted.

A few days later, the letter came. Waldorf had got the role! To celebrate, he made himself a real breakfast, eggs and toast. He giggled with glee and scurried to the theatre. When he got to the studio, he was greeted by Big Bird, the director.

“Waldorf,” Big Bird grunted. He was a grumpy bird, but he was famous for being in Sesame Street, he was one of the reasons The Muppet Show was going to be a big deal.

“Mister Big Bird,” Waldorf replied. He awaited instructions while Big Bird shuffled around his papers on his Elmo themed clipboard.

“Waldorf, you can wait in dressing room room C, your co-host will be in there shortly. You’re needed for a meeting in one hour, but you should get settled in now, and socialize.”

“Thank you sir,” Waldorf nodded and sulked away to dressing room c.

When he was in the dressing room for auditions, it was full of other old men muppets with white hair, but now it was empty. Too empty. His flamboyant gay side was already planning how to decorate it.

Knock, knock, knock.

“Come in!” Waldorf wailed at the door.

The door creaked open to reveal a taller, greyer, handsome muppet.

“Statler!” Waldorf yelped, “What are you doing here?!”

“I got the job-” Statler responded curtly.

“But- But- But- But- I got the job,” Waldorf whispered.

“Did you even read the audition advertisement? This job called for two hosts,” Statler rolled his eyes, “This is so like you! You’re so irresponsible.”

“You’re so stuck up,” Waldorf grumbled.

Statler rolled his eyes and sat down on a grey couch. Waldorf sat across from him on a bright yellow chair.

“What’ve you been up to?” Statler said politely, with an aggressive undertone.

“I joined a new improv group,” Waldorf said, “It’s the LA improv group and I think it’s better than the Hollywood improv group.”

“Ah, I go all the way to Santa Monica, there's actually a college professor teaching the class.”

“My improv group has loads of movie stars in it,” Waldorf huffed.

“Well my-”

“If you’re done comparing sizes-” A high pitched voice came from the doorway.

The old men muppets looked up to see a gorgeous pig girl standing in a sparkly dress.

“I’m Miss Piggy,” She said, “You’re Statler and Waldorf?”

“Statler,” Waldorf pointed at his enemy.

“Waldorf,” Statler pointed back at him.

They glared at each other over their pointed fingers.

“Lovely to meet you fellows,” Miss Piggy giggled, “So you two know each other then? Big Bird will be pleased!”

“Know each other,” Statler scoffed, “We know each other.”

“Too well if I say so myself,” Waldorf added.

“Chemistry among actors is important in chemistry among characters,” Miss Piggy winked at them and sat next to Waldorf in a bright pink chair. “Your dressing room is so boring… well I guess you’ve only been here for a few minutes.”

“I was already thinking about decorating,” Waldorf beamed.

Waldorf started telling Miss Piggy about what color he wanted to paint the walls, how he wanted throw pillows and blankets, and better lights, maybe some posters. Statler watched the shorter muppet speaking, he zoned out following the beautiful felt jaw move while Waldorf spoke passionately. He caught himself smiling and forced a scowl. He wanted to argue with Waldorf, and veto any of his interior design plans out of spite, but his ideas were so good, and he looked so perfect and cute talking about them, he decided to let it go.

“Are you equally passionate about interior design?” Miss Piggy asked Statler, who had been silent for a few minutes.

“Not at all,” Statler shrugged, “I guess Waldorf is better than me at some things.”

Waldorf had the most shocking expression on his face, Statler being humble!? Never in a million years would Statler ever say someone could be better at him, especially not Waldorf.

“What do you like then?” Miss Piggy stared at him intently, like she was trying to read him.

“I like improv,”

“How creative,” Waldorf replied, dryly.

“And I like math…” Statler furrowed his permanently furrowed brow. All he did was improv, he really had to get some other hobbies. “I like flowers…

“Flowers?” Waldorf asked, with no undertone of hatred.

“I really like red poppies and yellow roses,” Statler smiled, “I wanted to own a flower shop when I was younger.”

“Adorable!” Miss Piggy squeaked. She was going to be the old man's new best friend.

After an hour of chatting with each other, a… muppet ran into the room, “Statler and Waldorf and Miss Piggy and- well I guess Kermit isn’t here, you’re needed in meeting room 3.

The three friends followed the blue muppet in a dad shirt down the hallway to meeting room 3. Waldorf noticed that dressing room hall went down the alphabet and back up A for Kermit, B for Miss Piggy, C for the two of them, D for Gonzo (the muppet leading them through the halls), the next side of the hall starts at E for Fozzie Bear, F for the Dr. and Beaker, etc. etc.

The next hall over, the meeting rooms were similar. 1,2,3,4, and then 5,6,7,8. There was a hall on the other side of the dressing rooms A-H which Waldorf assumed was dressing rooms I-P.

Big Bird and Kermit were already in the meeting room.

“Welcome stars,” Big Bird said in a booming squirrely voice.

“Hoi Miss Piggy!” Kermit said.

“Hiiiii Kermit,” Miss Piggy giggled.

Big Bird explained how Miss Piggy is the main character, Kermit is the face, and Statler and Waldorf had to add improvised comedy. Statler and Waldorf glared at each other when Big Bird mentioned they had to be close to each other all the time, and develop a relationship outside of work because-

“Chemistry among actors is important in chemistry among characters.”

Chapter 2: Improv Games

The first day at the job was full of dull meetings, Waldorf spent almost not time with Statler. Thankfully.
The next day, however, they were tasked by Big Bird to play improv games together. Improv hadn’t gone well in the past, and Waldorf was dreading today the whole walk to the dressing room.
Statler was late, again, so Waldorf had time to make some decorative changes to their room. He thought about waiting for Statler to make any changes, considering it is a shared space. But he was more than okay with Statler being angry at him.
Inside the dressing room were two mirrors, one for each of them, each had a chair. Waldorf would leave Statlers alone. There was a small bathroom in the corner, and the middle had a couch and two chairs. Boring. One of the chairs was obnoxiously pink, he would have to replace it, or lean into the color a bit. The other chair was black, thank goodness, and the couch was white. White couches never end well, and Statler is clumsy. So, Waldorf called Gonzo’s office and asked for permission to dye the couch. He was thinking maybe a monochromatic pink theme? Lovely.
“What are you doing?” Statler laughed from the doorway.
Waldorf was holding the pink armchair over his head, trying to move it to clear up the space by the door.
Waldorf grunted in response. Then, he felt the weight of the chair being lifted.
“Where do you want it?” Statler asked. He was standing way too close to Waldorf, holding the chair.
Waldorf gulped, “Over there-”
He directed Statler where to put the rest of the furnerature.
“Doesn’t this add more space, now there’s a little living room, and some space to do improv games here,” Waldorf beamed. Then he remembered that he hates Statler, “Unfortunately.”
“I agree,” Statler scowled, “I should have gotten the job alone, or with someone easy to work with.”
“I’m thinking the same thing,” Waldorf scowled back. “Let’s begin?”
They played every improv game they could think of. They laughed and worked surprisingly well together. But neat the end of the day they decided to play the alphabet game.
“Tsunami-” Waldorf started for letter t.
“-You’re on T!” Statler said, “AHA I win!”
“Tsunami starts with a t?” Waldorf rolled his eyes.
Statler stuttered, “But- it- it- has to start with the sound!”
“It does not!”
“DOes ToO!”
They yelled at each other until Big Bird finally slammed the door open.
“What. Is. Going. On. Here?”
“Improv?” Statler whispered.
Waldorf giggled.
Statler laughed too.
In a matter of seconds, both muppets were rolling on the floor laughing. ROFL as some youngins may say.
Big Bird told them to keep it down, and tomorrow they had to work on trust exercises.
Waldorf and Statler didn’t stop laughing, even after Big Bird had been gone for several minutes.
“Improv!” Waldorf said and they started giggling again.
“I thought tsunami starts with an s,” Statler admitted.
“In character,” Waldorf smiled at him. Maybe Statler wasn’t as stuck up as he thought.

Chapter 3: Enemies

Summary:

Miss Piggy tries to keep Statler and Waldorf from being fired from "The Muppet Show."

As the days to the first episode of "The Muppet Show" grew near, Statler and Waldorf had been rapidly growing closer. But close does not mean civil. What started as short fiesty statements made about each other every time they speak, quickly turned into a civil conversations ending in screaming from both sides. The amount of noise complaints they got each day was an average of twenty four, in ten hours. 

Gonzo was fed up with the noise from Statler and Waldorf's dressing room (he issued most of the complaints). The fruity bird thing stomped his way to Big Birds office, and in their squeaky voice said, "Mr. Big Bird Sir! Statler and Waldorf should not work together! They absolutely hate each other, and forcing them to interact for hours each day is ruining productivity!" 

Big Bird calmly waved this thought off, "But Gonzo, they're the best improv actors I've ever seen, and everyone loves laughing at old men." 

Gonzo stormed off, without noticing Miss Piggy listening through the door, hearing the entire conversation. She immediately ran to Statler and Waldorf's dressing room. 

"WHO LET YOU BELIEVE YOU COULD ACT!" Statler was yelling, loud enough to hear all the way down the hall. 

"BIG BIRD OBVIOUSLY!" Waldorf screamed back. 

"BOYS!" Miss Piggy ran into the dressing room, "You have to be quiet." 

"Don't tell us what to do," Statler replied, Waldorf nodded his head in agreement. 

"See guys, you can agree on something," She rolled her eyes. "Gonzo tried to get you fired for being too loud, be careful, I'll miss you so much if you leave." 

"I hope Gonzo gets you fired," Waldorf huffed at Statler. 

"Shut up!" 

"This is the problem," Miss Piggy groaned, "You two need to go to couples counciling." 

"We're not a couple," Statler and Waldorf said in unison. 

Miss Piggy shook her head, "You two are adorable." 

Just then, Big Bird walked into the dressing room, "I don't know what Gonzo was talking about," He said, "You two are perfectly quiet." 

The three muppets looked at the yellow bird, and didn't dare speak. 

"But, if I hear one more word about the noise in here you two will be in trouble." 

Statler and Waldorf gulped. 

"We'll be quiet," Statler said. 

Waldorf nodded, "Yes sir." 

Miss Piggy stood in front of them, "I think their loudness if part of great actors at work." 

"I don't care," Big Bird said, "I don't want to be bothered." 

"Yes sir," Waldorf said again. 

Big Bird started to leave, then said, "And real quick, you two better have amazing chemistry for the opening show." And he left.

"Chemistry?" Waldorf gawked, "You're the last person I want to have chemistry with." 

"I agree," Statler looked sick. 

"Oh poo," Miss Piggy said, "You too have amazing chemistry, just be nicer." 

The two old men glared at each other. 

Chapter 4: Statler has a plan

Summary:

Statler is too poor to afford rent and eat... so he comes up with a plan.

The cast had a party a week before the opening of the show. Big bird wasn’t there, as per usual. Gonzo was the one who organized it, again, as per usual. Miss Piggy didn’t leave the karaoke “stage” all night, but she did drag Statler and Waldorf up multiple times. Fozzie bear made jokes a little too loudly, and a little too drunkenly, and Kermit brought the Sesame Street cast to mingle. Statler and Waldorf were introduced to Bert and Ernie, a married couple from Sesame Street.

“Are you allowed to be gay on Sesame Street?” Waldorf asked sheepishly.

“Don’t ask, don't tell,” Ernie responded, clutching Bert’s hand.

Statler noticed Waldorf looking longingly at them, “Is it extra risky because you’re in the show together?”

“Definitely,” Bert said, “Why? Got your eyes on someone?”

“Just asking,” Statler’s face turned red.

The rest of the night was a blur, Statler ate as much food as he could, he hadn’t eaten in days. He even hid some food in the dressing room to take home later. How he dreaded going home. His apartment was so boring compared to the excitement of working with Waldorf, while they were rivals and fought all the time, at least it wasn’t boring. Plus every time he entered his shitty house, he was reminded how broke he was. He didn’t have any furniture, and currently he didn’t have any food.

He was too ashamed to ask for help. He had the “Muppet Show” job, but it wasn’t enough. Once he got his paycheck, he paid off every debt he could, but now he couldn’t afford rent. After work one day, he lingered in the dressing room, and an idea sprung into his head. He no longer had to look longingly at the shower with warm water, if his plan worked. He moved out of his apartment that night, he shoved his belongings into the crawl space above the dressing room. One of the ceiling panels was loose, for easy access. At least now he could afford to eat, he thought as he passed out on the couch.

Statler woke up to Waldorf opening the door. He quickly stood up and pretended he came to work early.

“Good Morning partner!” He said, a little too enthusiastically.

“What’s up with you?” Waldorf said, with shifty eyes, “You’re here early.”

“Yeah…” Statler nodded his head.

He did not proceed to elaborate with a shitty excuse. Poor excuse of a professional improver. They went on with their day, doing stupid imrpov games as usual.

“I can’t wait for the show to start,” Waldorf groaned, multiple times throughout the day.

“Then we can’t spend as much time together,” Statler winked.

“Exactly,” Waldorf glared at him. Statler rolled his eyes, being enemies with your work partner takes a lot of energy.

Notes:

The chapters are going to be super short because then i can write more of them. Eventually there will be romance okay

Chapter 5: Waldorf has a plan

Summary:

Waldorf finds out Statler has been living in the dressing room. :0

Living in the dressing room only lasted a few days, Waldorf was suspicious from the start, and came to work to find Statler already there, and he stayed every night after Waldorf left. Friday night, Statler loitered in the dressing room after work, hoping Waldorf would leave soon so he could shower. 

“Are you going to leave?” Waldorf demanded, “Work is over.” 

“Yeah…” Statler responded, “In a minute, you can go on without me.” 

“What are you playing at, Statler,” Waldorf said. 

“I don’t know what you mean.” 

“Do you think you’re better than me?” 

“Waldorf no-” 

“Do you think you’re a better employee than me because you’re here all the time?” 

Statler was thoroughly embarrassed. He usually enjoyed it when Waldorf was upset, they had a system of yelling at each other in a civil way. But today was different. Waldorf sounded hurt, for real hurt, and betrayed. They had surprisingly been getting along well recently, and of course Statler had to rock the boat. It wasn’t his fault, he wasn’t trying at all to upstage Waldorf, he does that anyways. Statler didn’t know what to tell Waldorf. This was so embarrassing, and he couldn't lie. Even though he’s an improv actor, he’s not an impulsive liar. Sure, many white lies popped into the head the same, he didn’t say them out loud. He may argue a lot with Waldorf, but it’s always the truth. That’s why they argue, he guessed, they were both too honest and blunt. It’s too late to change they’re story now. Statler took a deep breath and said, uncharacteristically calmly, “Shut up Waldorf.” 

Surprisingly, he did. 

Statler climbed the desk to open the ceiling tile and pulled out his pajamas. “I lost my apartment.” 

Waldorf didn’t know what to say, was he… sorry? For Statler? His nemesis? But something inside him wanted to help. “Stay with me!” He blurted. 

“What?” 

“Yeah stay with me,” Waldorf started sweating, “I mean, I’m broke too, and I need a roommate, why not you?” 

“Waldorf I don’t think I-” 

“No I insist,” Waldorf panicked more, “To help me, not you, obviously not you, I don’t care about you… at all…” 

“Of course not,” Statler agreed, “It is a good idea…” 

Chapter 6: And they were roomates

Summary:

Statler Moves in

Waldorf woke up to the shower running. He rushed out of his bedroom, and saw a disheveled couch, oh yeah. Statler. Statler was sleeping on his couch. They were going bed shopping today. Waldorf smiled a little to himself, they had come a long way from being at each other's throats. He smiled so wide he even started making breakfast for the two of them. 

Waldorf was flipping a pancake when Statler emerged from the bathroom wearing nothing but a towel. The pancake burnt because Waldorf was busy staring at the gorgeous sexy body of Statler. 

“I-I-I-I-I made pancakes,” Waldorf stuttered. 

“Oh thanks,” Statler responded, grabbing clothes from the suitcase he left on the couch, “I’m going to go get dressed.” 

Damn it, Waldorf thought. But if Statler hadn’t gotten dressed, Waldorf wouldn't be able to finish breakfast because he was too distracted. Waldorf set the table, and made coffee. Iced, two sugars for Statler. 

“You remembered my coffee order!” Statler beamed. 

Waldorf blushed, “Y’know, we spend so much time together, no biggie.” 

“Thanks for breakfast,” Statler said, scoffing down the food like he hadn’t eaten in days, given his living situation, he probably didn’t eat in days. 

Waldorf cleared the table, “Ready to go shopping?” 

“You’re too kind,” Statler said, with a suspicious undertone. 

Waldorf stammered, “Don’t mention it!” 

While they walked to the bed store, Waldorf realised he lived in a one bedroom apartment. He didn’t mind sharing a room with Statler, but maybe Statler didn’t want to be around him. He started to grow anxious, what if Statler didn’t even want to stay with him? What if Statler really did still hate him? 

“Hey,” Waldorf gulped, “I only have one bedroom, are you okay with sharing?”

Statler smiled, “Sure, if you’re okay with it!” 

Waldorf’s stomach started bubbling, in a good way, he was so confused, what was happening to him? Why was Statler of all people making him feel this way? He tried to ignore his sweaty hands the whole trip to the bed store and back, he didn’t know what was going on. 

Statler pursed his lips when the bed arrived later that afternoon, “Waldorf, I don’t actually know how to put a bed together, is it too much if I asked you for help?” 

Waldorf’s heart grew three sizes bigger than the Grinch seeing Statler’s face so humbled. He tried to stabilize his voice when he (almost lovingly) said, “Of course Statler.” 

They built a bed together, Statler was putting sheets on the mattress while Waldord cleared up a space for it in his room. They had to smoosh their beds together to fit them, and their other furniture, in the small room. Waldorf was a little too excited to be sleeping so close to Statler.