Chapter Text
Childe felt like he was about to crack. For starters, he woke up with a massive migraine that was positively begging him to just stay in bed all day and hasn’t gone away no matter how many painkillers he’s tried. And then Teucer missed his bus, so it was up to him to drop his brother off at his elementary school on the way, making him late for AP Stats.
It’s not as though Childe was an all As, all AP student, as a matter of fact, he was far from it. But that didn’t stop him from caving to everyone’s expectations and taking 5 AP classes anyways. They weren’t too difficult for him, he coasted and was good at sucking up to teachers. On his bad days though… the classes seemed to test his patience more than his siblings ever had (which is saying something). He walked down the concerningly narrow hallways of his school, head down to avoid the fluorescent lights that plagued his already-hurting head. He was overheating (because one more thing had to make him miserable today!), but couldn’t really pull up his sleeves unless he wanted to have an uncomfortable talk with the social worker.
“Childe!” A shout distracted him from his misery.
“Hm?” He grunted, looking up to see the caller was Kaeya with Diluc in tow.
“You’re late.” They stopped in the hallway, a strange-looking group, but all equally adored by the underclassmen. If they were all being honest, some of the attention made them rather uncomfortable.
“You’re late yourselves. And you’re only making all of us later.” Childe grumbled, not in the mood for Kaeya’s caffeine-induced banter.
“Someone’s not in a good mood!” His friend pouted. Strangely, Diluc hadn’t said a word this whole time. To be fair, that wasn’t necessarily out of character for him, but it still concerned Childe.
“No, I’m not. I can’t miss any more classes, combined with how much I missed earlier this year I’m running low on days I can just be late.” He just needed to go , why did Kaeya always have to be so violently social?
“Ah yes, you were always the child prodigy.” Childe gave him a look that could probably have literally killed if he had any less inhibition. “Okay, okay! Go to your class, jeez.”
--
He walked into the classroom, converse slightly squeaking against the tile as he opened the door. The class was alive - well, as alive as a group of teenagers can be at 8 in the morning on a Tuesday. He walked up to his teacher, ready to ask what the hell was happening and why it was so loud.
“Good morning. I’m sorry I’m late, I had to take my brother today.” He was lucky with this teacher, especially given the fact that it was his 1st period. Madame Ping taught AP Stats and AP Calc, so she had seen some of his older siblings already and was aware of the strain that his parents put on whoever was the oldest in the home at any given time. Her class wasn’t the easiest, but she was easily the most understanding out of all of Childe’s teachers.
“That’s perfectly fine. We’re doing a partner worksheet, Signora is going to be your partner for today.” He had to stifle a groan. Signora wasn’t necessarily the worst to be paired with (he could’ve been stuck with Scaramouche - yuck), but she was just another pain to deal with.
As he walked over to his desk next to Signora, he took a deep breath and rubbed his temples, alleviating the constant pounding in his skull for approximately 2 seconds.
“Do you know this unit?” That was Signora. Right to business, no care that he looked as though he hadn’t slept all week and could barely focus on any words.
“I think so. It’s just the review for the first unit we did, right? So mostly just identifying different types of bias in surveys and samples and crap?” He had missed the entirety of the unit due to...certain circumstances but eventually learned the concepts.
“Yeah, it shouldn’t be too hard.” And thus, he and Signora finished the rest of the worksheet throughout the class, leaving Childe to mindlessly dissociate through his next few classes until lunch.
--
Zhongli was waiting for him in their normal lunch spot, a back stairwell that was never really checked by security. Childe approached his boyfriend, ready to let himself sink into the familiar safe scent.
“I brought you some food today.” Childe nestled up into the corner, discarding his backpack like it was absolutely worthless. He snuggled into Zhongli’s crewneck, burying his face into the one thing that wasn’t a sensory nightmare.
“‘M not hungry.” He mumbled, wanting to remain snuggled up against Zhongli forever. He was answered with a sigh and a half-assed attempt at trying to get him to eat.
“You need food. You probably didn’t have breakfast and are running on coffee.”
“No coffee. Makes head worse. Wanna cuddle n’ sleep.” He knew he sounded like a delusional toddler but in all honesty that’s what he felt like too.
“Migraine?” Childe nodded.
“Today is a disaster.” Despite saying he wasn’t gonna eat, he found himself staring at the lunches Zhongli had packed. Every bone in his body wanted him to just take something, anything as fuel, but his mind packed a better punch. You don’t need anything. It’ll be good for you anyways, just like your ap bio teacher said. The less you eat, the more weight you lose. At this rate, his intrusive thoughts weren’t going to get much better, adding yet another fun thing for him to cope with. Zhongli picked up on his distress, hugging him closer and beginning to offer him some grapes.
“They’re not gonna hurt you, Childe. It’s just grapes.” Zhongli was kind and gentle, but his tone also offered a sense of finality.
“You know I can’t.” He finally whispered back in defeat.
“I know, but I also know I wouldn’t lie to you. It’s okay. I promise I wouldn’t let you have them if they weren’t okay.” His boyfriend’s resolve was as steadfast as ever.
“Fine. But only if you stay.”
“I wouldn’t have it any other way. And since we’re on the topic..” Zhongli paused, taking Childe’s arms one at a time and scrunching up the sleeves. He knew that it was uncomfortable, and didn’t want to be doing this any more than Childe did, but at the end of the day, his safety came first. Zhongli sighed as he observed the angry red lines that marred his boyfriend’s forearms. Some were newer than others, but all upsetting nonetheless. He gently put on Neosporin to prevent any infection and wrapped them in gauze. Both parties knew that this couldn’t go on forever. As much as Zhongli wanted to help, he had his own issues, and couldn’t constantly be taking care of Childe. So they made a deal, when it became too much, when they needed to merely be normal and relaxed, they would let each other know. Sometimes they had a specific word, sometimes it was just saying it out loud. Either way, it kept the relationship functional.
“Childe?” Zhongli roused his boyfriend from his lap, gently shaking him awake. “We do need to talk about next steps.” Childe rubbed his eyes and somehow managed to find a way to melt further into Zhongli.
“Whaddaya mean next steps?” A sense of panic clouded his brain.
“I mean...maybe it’s time that you need to get more help again.” Zhongli knew he would hate the idea. It was hard to bring up, especially given other experiences for both of them. He didn’t want his boyfriend to be sent away and unavailable to him for at least a week or two, but he also wanted him to get better.
“You know I can’t go back. What about my brothers and sisters? I can’t just disappear for that long.” Childe wasn’t offended. In all honesty, he had been thinking about it too. But for now, it just wasn’t possible.
“Just...don’t take it out of the picture.” No further response was needed, just a brief kiss, and they could continue to exist as extensions of one another for the rest of the period.
--
Back to class. No more Zhongli to keep him grounded or to stave off the intrusive thoughts. And luckily for him, it was AP Bio! His least favorite class! Whee!
His peers were always ridiculously loud, on top of him struggling with the content more than normal, and a teacher that, to put it lightly, didn’t really understand him or his issues. It didn’t help that Scaramouche was in this class as well, and this teacher wasn’t nearly as good at conflict resolution as Madame Ping. And just like any other day, Scaramouche was getting on his nerves. But today he didn’t have the patience for it. His head was throbbing, and he needed to get out of the classroom and get away from the noise and just leave . Finally, after one jab too far, he dragged Scaramouche outside into the hallway.
“Listen. I don’t get what your fucking deal is, but if you don’t shut the fuck up real soon, you’re going to have more than a wounded ego to repair.”
“Aw, Childe has a backbone. Who could’ve guessed?” Logically, Childe knew he was just trying to get him riled up and get him in a fight. But he really, really didn’t care. What’s one more part of him that’s in pain? It gives him a better excuse to down a bottle of Tylenol anyways.
“Scara, I’m begging you to watch your next words wisely.” He practically growled. At this point, there was a crowd around them. It wasn’t a passing period, but it’s not exactly like they were being quiet, and with Childe’s reputation, everyone knew it would get interesting.
“And what if I don’t?” Damnit, he really didn’t want to do this today of all days.
“You know exactly what if you don’t.”
“It’s not like you don’t do enough damage to yourself, anyways, what’s one more thing?” At this sentence, Scaramouche lightly flicked Childe’s forearm, making him wince. That was his last straw.
--
He wasn’t quite sure what had happened after that. He remembers that one moment he was talking, and then the next there was blood on his hands that he wasn’t quite sure was his. He did know that his head still hurt and that the whole scenario didn’t exactly improve his mental state.
Do you not have any self-control?
Shut up. I can’t deal with you right now.
Aw, poor baby can’t handle his own choices.
Shut up. It wasn’t my choice.
Sure it was. Everyone knows you’re the problem.
No. They just don’t understand, it’s not me, I don’t know what happens when I get like that.
Oh please, stop justifying this. You could’ve killed him.
But I didn’t.
You probably should have.
Now that last one was so surprising it shocked him out of his stupor. He was no stranger to violent thoughts but this felt a little too real for his comfort. The voice wouldn’t stop, all it kept saying was to kill, hurt, they deserve it .
At this point he was having a full meltdown, he didn’t even know where he was. He knew he was alone, and he knew he wasn’t supposed to be there. He kept rocking back and forth, the movement somewhat nauseating but calming nonetheless. His eyes burned with tears and he just couldn’t think . He jolted at a sudden touch, and then calmed again when he saw it was just Zhongli. He melted into his touch as silent sobs began to rack his body.
“It’s okay. You’re okay, I’m here. You’re not gonna hurt anyone, or yourself. I’m here.” He rubbed small circles on the small of his back, allowing Childe to just let go for a while.
After at least 30 minutes of this pattern, Zhongli finally moved.
“I need to look at your hands.” They both slightly adjusted, allowing for Childe’s hands to be in the full sight of both boys. He wasn’t quite sure what he was expecting, but it was definitely worse than he thought. “Oh, Childe. You really let him have it, huh?” Childe gave him a watery smile. There were bruises across his knuckles, the bandages on his forearms were torn, leaving bite marks. “He BIT you?!” Childe instantly started laughing. The idea that Scaramouche was so scared that he resorted to biting of all things, was hilarious to him. Zhongli was not laughing. He was silently hoping that the blood splattered across his boyfriend’s arms was only from his opponent’s nose, not any serious injuries or past injuries that had reopened. In the same, gentle way he had done at lunch, he disinfected and wrapped Childe’s injuries.
“You’re probably gonna get suspended.”
“I know.”
“You might even get expelled.”
“I know.”
--
Childe still wasn’t sure what had happened after that. Everything was a blur. He thinks his parents had to do a video call with the dean, and he thinks that he was at best, suspended. He drives home early in a clueless stupor. Why was he like this? Why couldn’t he just be normal , for fuck’s sake.
--
He looked up at the moon, giving a slight glow to everything he touched. How could it watch as everyone on earth slept peacefully through the night. How could it continue to shine bright despite the atrocities it witnessed. But most importantly, how could it continue to shine on him ? There was no explanation. All he knew was that despite everything, the moon still shines.
Chapter 2
Summary:
Childe is forced to face the consequences of his actions.
Notes:
i have written a second chapter! it is probably very incoherent but it's here anyways
i'm also posting this from my apush class so if there are formatting issues it's cuz my chromebook is stupid
anywhos enjoy, the same tws from last chapter also apply here but there's also a lot of dissociation in this one and a somewhat graphic nightmare so ye
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
He stared up at the blank ceiling, thoughts swirling throughout his brain.
Why couldn’t he hold it in?
Why was he such a failure?
Why does Zhongli even stay? He’d be better off without me causing so many problems.
The only thing occasionally distracting him from his mind was the constant twinge in his arms, a combination of self-inflicted wounds, bruises, and bloodied knuckles. His bedroom fan occasionally blew a slight breeze onto his face, a relief from the stale air. Birds chirped outside his window, children got off their bus, a woman talked to her husband. The world was continuing around him. He was so lost, and so empty, but the world kept going.
He thinks Teucer came in to do his homework at some point, and hopefully, he didn’t notice anything was wrong. He heard a buzzing noise, a catalyst for him to go and make dinner in his semi-conscious state. Naturally, neither of his parents were home yet, and similar to every other day, they likely wouldn’t be home until long after his siblings had gone to bed and he had started on his homework. Two plates of whatever he made that day would be sitting out on the counter, getting colder and colder. Family dinners meant everyone except his parents. He would carry the conversation with how was your day? What did you learn at school? Oh, come on, I know you did more than nothing. Do you need help with your homework? Wow! You did so well, that’s amazing! Some days, family dinners included Zhongli, whom his siblings loved. Zhongli could braid Tonia’s hair while simultaneously entertaining Teucer and Anthon, a feat not even Childe could accomplish. It was really a wonder, the way his boyfriend was able to integrate into the family so quickly. He and his siblings had had their fair share of tragedy and loss, and it was so hard to get everyone to trust someone. He imagines that his brothers and siblings get along with Zhongli for the same reasons he loves him. Zhongli is steady, unwavering in the face of uncertainty. His family was fluid, moving with all of the changes, adapting to new circumstances whenever needed. It was nice to have a sense of consistency, something firm and solid for once in their lives.
“Ajax!!” A pull on his shirt shook him from his dissociative state. He looked down, observing his younger sister, Tonia, tears welling up in her eyes. He bent down to be at eye level.
“What’s wrong?”
“You were burning yourself on the stove! You couldn’t hear anyone!” Tonia was only 7, but scarily intuitive. Childe glanced at his hand, realizing that he had, indeed, burned his hand on the stove and hadn’t noticed due to his state of mind and pre-existing pain in his hand.
“Oh, I’m okay! You don’t have to worry about me! It doesn’t hurt!” He responded, trying to put on a reassuring smile. It actually did - quite a bit. Now that he was….aware of his surroundings and not actively dissociating, the burn was agitating all of his other injuries. But he couldn’t show this in front of his sister, god forbid any of his siblings were to find out about today's events.
“It looks like it does hurt though,” She pouted, “And you can’t even see all of it. Maybe we should call Zhongli?”
“Oh, no, we don’t have to call him! He’s probably busy, and we don’t want to worry him, do we?” More importantly, Childe (or Ajax, as his siblings called him), did not need Zhongli to find out about the dissociation. He was already trying to process that it had started up again, having not really dissociated since middle school.
“But I wanna watch a movie! And I miss him. He hasn’t been over in a while.”
“Are you just trying to guilt me into inviting him?” Childe joked, “Whatever, I’ll call him. But if he’s not available don’t blame me.”
“He’s always available when you want him to be.”
“I-Wh-Tonia!” He spluttered. How were his siblings so stupidly smart?
Lo and behold, Zhongli was indeed free to come over, especially after Tonia yanked the phone from her older brother and snitched about his burn. 10 minutes later and he was outside their house, dressed in flannel pajama pants and a plain grey crew neck, hair thrown back in the ever-classic low ponytail.
“Now, don’t you look handsome!” Childe teased as he opened the door.
“At least I’m comfortable. You still haven’t changed.”
“I’ve been, uh..” He paused, trying to think of the right word “preoccupied.”
“Zhongli!” Teucer came running out the door, grabbing the man’s hand and dragging him inside. “We haven’t had dinner yet!! You should eat with us!”
“Okay,” Zhongli’s eyes shone with a sparkle that Childe rarely sees, a sign that his boyfriend is genuinely happy.
“Here,” He pushes past the two, “It’s just leftover rice and katsudon from the place we got takeout from the other night”
“So...what you’re telling me is that you managed to hurt yourself by heating up leftovers?”
“I had to make some newer rice, thank you very much,” Childe responded indignantly. He didn’t miss the soft giggle from Zhongli though and shot him a half-joking glare. He began plating everything and setting it out on the table, pouring 3 glasses of milk and then 2 of iced green tea. Finally, he called everyone to the table, and everyone began to dig in. It would be a strange sight to an outsider, 2 17-year-olds, acting as parental figures to a 5-year-old, a 7-year-old, and an 11-year-old. Zhongli occasionally glancing at Childe to see if he was still in pain, Teucer complaining he didn’t want the eggs (and then getting chastised for not having enough protein), Childe pushing some of his portions to Anthon because “he was a growing boy,” and “he needed more”. They continued like this, as close to family as any of them would ever be allowed to get.
--
Zhongli and Childe lied against each other on the couch, watching Tangled with the kids. Teucer was already starting to doze off, Tonia was enthralled in the movie, and Anthon was sitting on his phone. Safe to say that they were all rather captivated and paying no mind to what the older boys were saying. Zhongli began to rub circles on his boyfriend’s hands, pulling him in closer.
“Are you gonna let me look at that burn?” He whispered, still careful with his noise level.
“You don’t have to. It’s really not that bad.” Zhongli hummed in response, calculating his next words carefully.
“How did you burn it?”
“Like I said, making rice.” A speedy, concise answer, designed for not revealing the whole truth.
“We can talk about it more later. You rest, I’ll put everyone to bed.”
“Thank you.” Childe had no idea how he was able to tell how exhausted he was. He thought he had a pretty good facade, especially given everything that had happened. But Zhongli saw right through it. He saw the way he practically fell into his arms, begging for the comfort of someone else’s touch. How his bones crumbled under the weight of his existence, the agony of every move. The hunger in his brain for absolute nothingness , a void to live on, a new plane of existence in which he was alone.
--
He was back in that place. It was his house, but the sky was a deep purple. Everything was a muted shade of what it used to be. He knew this place, he’s been here before. He had to go make sure that his brothers and sisters were here, that they were safe. The house was completely quiet, and upon checking in each of their rooms, he found no one. This was odd, but not unheard of.
Suddenly, he heard a clunk from the end of the hallway. He dashed up to find it, discovering a completely new door. Now, this had never happened. Ever.
He tentatively began to open the door, trying to brace for whatever horrors lied before him. Peering into the room, he noticed light blue walls. Everything was fully saturated, a stark contrast to the rest of the house. It drew him in. He began to walk further in.
And then he was stopped dead in his tracks.
Zhongli.
He was…
He was dead.
Curled up on the ground, a pathetic figure. Dark, crimson blood mixed with golden ichor staining the carpet. What was happening? Surely not- Zhongli was the strongest person he ever knew- he wasn’t able to die. That wasn’t possible. He sank to his knees by his lover’s side, cradling his head.
“I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve this. I’m so sorry. Please come back. Please. I need you. We all need you. Please,” He was screaming. “Come back. Don’t leave me. I love you, please. You can hear me, I know you can. Come on, get up. I’m begging you. I’ll fix myself for you. Please, Zhongli, please.” Tears ran down his face. He had never felt such despair, such helplessness. He could not exist in this universe without Zhongli. “It is my turn now. Forgive me.” He impaled himself with an arrow, aiming for his heart. He felt no pain. Nothing could trump the overwhelming loss.
Looking up at the ceiling, he noticed someone. Someone was trying to pull out the arrow- no, they were trying to save him. He didn’t want to get saved.
“Get off of me! Please! Let me die!”
--
He bolted up, frantically looking around. Where was he? And where was Zhongli? He flinched at someone putting their hand on his shoulder. He shrugged away. He didn’t want just anyone. He wanted - no, needed - Zhongli.
“Hey, hey, you’re okay, it’s okay.” He whipped around to the origin of the voice. Oh. His body moved on its own accord burying his face into Zhongli’s chest. He desperately clung to the other’s shirt, as if he could evaporate at any moment. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. You’re okay, Ajax, it’s okay. Here, listen.” He adjusted so that Childe could hear his heartbeat, as steady as ever. “Deep breaths. In, and out. It’s okay.” Choked sobs escaped his lips, betraying how okay he was trying to be.
They stayed there for at least another hour - at least, that’s what Childe thinks. He’s not very sure. He knows he had been crying for the majority of it. He doesn’t understand why he’s so irrationally upset over this, it’s not that big of a deal, it was just a stupid nightmare. He has nightmares all the time, why just now had it decided to be an issue?
“I’m sorry,” He sniffled, hoping that his voice didn’t betray him.
“Darling, why? You have nothing to be sorry for,” Zhongli frowned. He knew the way his boyfriend’s thoughts tormented and kept him awake at night.
“You don’t deserve this. I keep hurting you, I just- It’s not fair to you. You’d be better off if you had never met me in the first place,” He didn’t say it, but there was an implied you’d be better off if I died left in his words. At this, he felt himself get held tighter.
“Please don’t say that,” It was just a whisper, but it revealed more than intended. Childe had never heard his boyfriend sound so, well, for lack of better terminology, broken. Zhongli pressed his face into Childe’s hair, breathing in the scent of his shampoo. “I know there is nothing I can say to you to make you believe me. I wish I could shower you with praise and affection and all these things you deserve and you would believe it, not brush it off or make you feel even worse. I would not be here if I did not want to be. I know things are hard, and I wish, so, so, so much that I could take on your pain for you. You are everything to me.”
Notes:
yeah there'll probably be another chapter but i make no promises
Chapter 3
Summary:
they love each other your honor
Notes:
this is mostly just fluff since it's been a ~week~ for me and really just wanted a nice distraction :/
also sorry it's been taking so long to get out new chapters, school and my own mental health has been not so great recently so I've been trying to not push myself too much recently
<3
Chapter Text
Childe woke up pressed between a body and wall, feeling warm and safe. He inhaled the scent of his boyfriend next to him, still in the pajamas from yesterday. There were few things in the world that could make him feel this loved. Every little voice in his brain screamed at him to not trust it, to push this feeling away before it could corrupt itself into violence and hatred. But as he lay there, curled under his comforter in the morning sun, he couldn’t bring himself to even care. Normally he could bite back at the voices with double the vengeance, but not now. He just let them go, relishing in the knowledge that even though his brain writhed in its own foul grip, his heart could be at peace.
Truthfully, he felt worse than he had in years. He couldn’t remember everything being this bad since freshman year, and this time he got the added feeling of failure just to spice things up a bit. A part of him just wanted to be evil enough to make everyone go away. If everyone went away and stopped caring, he wouldn’t have to live anymore. He could finally give up, just as he wanted. He knew that the only reason he was still around was to prevent the crushing grief that would consume his boyfriend - and siblings, for that matter - in the event that he died. If he could just get rid of them, make them stop loving him, it would be okay. Alas, he didn’t have the heart for that. It was harder than one would think, giving up everything that loves you, because, chances are, you love it as well. Childe loved Zhongli. He loved Tonia, Anthon, and Teucer. He loved his few friends that stuck by him through everything. He didn’t want to, and yet, here he was.
--
“Mmph,” Zhongli grumbled as he turned over to face his boyfriend.
“Good morning to you too, sleepyhead. You’re late to school.” The ginger replied, smiling. He was only wearing flannel pants, decidedly too hot for a hoodie in the sun.
“We don’t have school today, it’s a staff curriculum day or whatever,” He yawned, and forced himself closer to Childe, “You’re a human radiator, you know that?”
“I do, it’s not like I just decided to put on a show this morning.” He teased, running his fingers through Zhongli’s long hair.
“I wouldn’t have been opposed either way.” Childe snorted and rolled his eyes. Pressing a gentle kiss to the other’s forehead, he began to shake him off.
“I have to make breakfast and lunch for the kids. I know it’s early, and we don’t have school, but they do. And since I’m home anyway, they don’t have to take the bus.” Zhongli reached out with grabby hands, trying to stop him.
“Stay,” He pouted. Childe simply pressed a kiss to his temple and put on a t-shirt as he walked out of the bedroom.
They both loved the domesticity of it all, despite being teenagers, it felt right. Sitting in their kitchen, drinking coffee and preparing school lunches like an old married couple. Zhongli was just sitting at the table, providing small responses to whatever news they were hearing on the radio. Childe was rushing around, simultaneously making 3 lunches and breakfasts. Scrambled eggs sat on the stove, next to a plate of toast and grapes. Each kid had a cup of milk waiting for them at the table, it almost appeared as a buffet. In addition to all of this, he was making 3 identical lunches - a ham and cheese sandwich, carrots, pretzels, and two Oreos. They all got a little note as well, just something along the lines of have a good day! or do well on the test! Maybe it was a little sappy, but he liked writing them when he had the time.
Eventually, all the kids softly made their way to the kitchen, grabbing their food and sitting at the table. The sight absolutely warmed Childe’s heart, as it did every morning when he had the time to actually stop and take in the scene in front of him. He was so happy his siblings could have better than him. With this came the jealousy and anger, the repeated why not me? what did I do wrong? But he kept it at bay in these moments, the ones where he felt nothing but unadulterated love and contentment. The ones where the people he considered his true family surrounded him.
“Okay, kids! Zhongli and I can take you to school today, so you have a little time to watch something if you want. We have to leave around 8, k?” They all nodded in response, mouths still full. He felt eyes on his back and turned around to meet them. Light sea blue met saccharine honey, entranced in each other’s gaze for a brief moment. “What?” He laughed and went to sit on top of Zhongli. He felt a pair of arms wrap around his waist, solidifying his position.
“Is it a crime for me to find you attractive?” Zhongli grumbled into his neck.
“Perhaps.” He felt a sigh against his shoulder.
“Oh, Ajax, what are we going to do with you?”
“Do you really want me to answer that?”
“Don’t ruin the moment,” Childe giggled slightly at that, amused that this is what Zhongli counted as a “moment”.
“I am merely responding to what you brought up, darling. How does that make me the bad guy?” He pouted.
“Hmmm...Because I said so?”
“That’s a stupid reason.”
--
Unfortunately, the time came when his siblings did have to go to their respective schools. Teucer was in Kindergarten, and Tonia was in 2nd grade, so they went to elementary school. Anthon was in 6th, so he was at the middle school. Luckily for them, the middle school started at 8:30, whereas elementary was 9, so he had time to drive all of them, giving them a reprieve from the normal bus schedule.
The car ride was mostly silent, save for the buzz of the AM radio spewing out traffic reports. Unfortunately for Childe, silence meant thinking. And thinking meant… a lot of things. It could vary between I’m so grateful for all that I have, despite the circumstances to I fucking hate myself why am I like this why can’t I be normal? Today his brain decided to torture him and stick with the latter line of thought. He wished so bad that he could just be like his siblings, still innocent and naive. Why did he have to be the sibling old enough to truly remember everything? Why did he have to suffer like this? No. He would rather suffer than have someone else be like this, he wouldn’t wish this upon anyone else. Maybe he was being selfish. That’s what his old therapist said, right? He never took accountability for his actions. All he did was manipulate everyone into thinking he did and getting his way, right?
“Ajax,” Zhongli bumped his elbow, making him realize he just blew through a stop sign.
“Sorry, sorry.” He was glad that he brought Zhongli along with him, he really shouldn’t be driving this recklessly. Besides, they could stop at a drive-thru coffee place on the way back. They continued on in silence, with the exception of the drop-offs (each sibling received a have a good day, I love you, don’t get in any trouble or something along those lines).
--
As they were pulling away from the drive-thru, ready to head home, Zhongli spoke for the second time. “So, are you gonna talk about it, or…”
“Talk about what? I’m doing fine, yesterday was just rough.”
“Childe…” A short sigh followed.
“I said I’m fine, okay?” His voice held a slight bitterness, coming off harsher than intended.
“Look, I know you’re able to pull this with your parents and teachers, even your friends, but not with me. I’ve been around long enough to know that the only time you insist you’re fine is when you’re not. It’s no secret you’ve been doing worse recently, even Kaeya can see that, so please, talk to me. And if not me, a professional, a social worker, just someone.” Childe almost crumbled at his words, he always forgot how much Zhongli genuinely cared for him.
“I- fine. Can we talk about this when we get back? I need our insurance premium to not go through the roof this month.”
--
Zhongli held him to his word. Once they had arrived home and settled back onto the couch, he brought up the conversation again.
“Did you think I would forget?”
“No. Although, I was hoping you would.” Zhongli smiled and pressed a kiss to his forehead.
“Come on, Childe. I know you don’t want to burden me, but clearly, you’re not doing well.” He was met with a deep sigh.
“I don’t know. I thought I was getting better, but I’m not. Everything is fucking falling apart around me and the worst part is I’m just letting it . Like obviously, I want to get better. I want to be able to function for literally five fucking seconds and not be assaulted by my brain. But… there’s something comfortable about this. Just existing in this overwhelming nothingness. I hate it, but it’s familiar. And I’m trying so hard, all the time because I know that you and my siblings would never be able to live without me, but I just don’t want to be here anymore. And even though I know that ‘any reason for staying is a good reason’ it just feels so stupid. I wanna live for me , not because other people would be sad without me. And on top of everything else I have to deal with, my wonderful brain has decided it wants to start dissociating again! So I’m having the time of my fucking life over here, and I keep thinking it’s gonna get better, and the funny part is, it never does. ” He finally cut himself off, realizing that he was shaking and beginning to stutter.
“Oh, honey. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this alone. I’m not going to sit here and pretend I know how to fix it, or that I completely understand, but I’ll try. You’re worth trying for. And I’ll be here when you need me, okay? We’ll figure it out together.” Childe nodded, pressing his face into the other’s chest.
“Can we watch tv? It’s too early for me to be this emotionally exhausted.” Zhongli snorted, nodding his head.
“Agreed. PBS Kids? I think they’re showing reruns of Arthur right now.”
“Yes, please.”
They stayed like that for hours, resting on the couch despite the numerous cups of coffee they both had consumed. They found comfort in each other’s presence under the one knitted blanket consolidating their body heat. Once they got bored of cartoons, they moved onto movies, youtube, whatever they could find. Anyone observing the scene would instantly know that they were hopelessly in love with each other, despite being teenagers. It was almost as if they were extensions of each other, not fully complete without the other present. Some may say that this is foolish for their age, and perhaps it was, but they would rather be fools than alone.
Chapter 4
Summary:
Zhongli and Childe spend the day at home and reminisce
Notes:
okay so they're not really reminiscing it's just more background on their relationship and how they have such good communication
TW for suicide attempt mention, but no detail of how it's done, etc. as much as I love projecting here I will not be giving yall any ideas because I am responsible™
Lastly!! I wrote pretty much all of this between 3 and 4 am! I ran it through Grammarly but if any of it is nonsense I take no responsibility and blame tired me
Chapter Text
The funny thing about being mentally ill is that you simultaneously feel so alone in your struggle, even if you’re around people that constantly prove you wrong. And even if, just for a moment, your brain allows you to accept the fact that this has happened, and will continue to happen to other people, you will only feel worse. Because you wouldn’t want anyone to hurt like this, right? If you have to go through it, no one else should. At least that’s the conclusion Childe had come to when he was 15.
Freshman year was, arguably, one of the worst of his life. Although, it was a close competitor with seventh grade, and whatever he was going through presently. He doesn’t really remember most of it, and the parts he does he desperately wishes he didn’t. It was the first time he was actively suicidal, the first time he had seriously been a danger to himself - sure, he was beforehand, but he was also a dumb preteen that still had some hope.
He remembers one day, during a passing period, he was walking with a friend down to a shared class, and although he isn’t sure how it came up, knows he said “We’re all just casually suicidal, right? ” It was said in a joking way, but he did genuinely think that others were struggling as much as he was, if not more. Spoiler alert: they were not. Most of his peers were fully enjoying their lives at the time, getting used to the experience of freedom that comes with high school. They weren’t burdened by responsibilities in the same way he was, they were barely able to do their own laundry, much less a family’s. He would have been envious of them, had he truly known what he was missing out on. Now he could only pity his past self.
And, of course, there were times when he was better. Right after he started Zhongli, he started to experience a sliver of the happiness that everyone else was. It wasn’t much, but it was something. Suddenly, the days felt less like a never-ending fog, becoming something more akin to gentle waves. But as all things do, that changed too. It wasn’t that Zhongli had begun to bore him, or that the “honeymoon” stage had ended, it was more due to circumstance than anything else. He suspects that he may have been hypomanic for the first period of their relationship, which wouldn’t be that surprising given his track record.
He was surprised, after his attempt that year, that Zhongli didn’t leave. Thinking back, there was no reason he would have, but in the moment it was very expected. There are a lot of things he would have changed about those view weeks, namely his lack of attention towards pretty much everyone else in existence. His main goal was to get out of the hospital and following programs so that he could return back to something that at least resembled normally.
So he missed a lot of things. He missed the looks his peers gave him the first day he was back, the stares and hushed whispers when he accidentally brushed a sleeve up too high. He missed the way Anthon carefully treaded around him, being the only sibling to somewhat comprehend what had really happened. He missed the way at least one parent was home for the following three months. But most importantly, he missed the way Zhongli’s face contorted every time he made a joke about the situation.
It’s no secret that dating someone with severe mental illness is really hard. It’s harder when you’re also dealing with severe mental illness. Not to say that it can’t work out - on the contrary, it can rather spectacularly, but both parties need to be adept at communicating and setting boundaries. Unfortunately for Zhongli and Childe, neither had acquired said skills. So when Childe went to the hospital for the first time, Zhongli didn’t say he was hurt. He didn’t say that it made him feel not good enough, that despite being privy to the way Childe was struggling, it still scared him. Because god forbid he make the situation about him, or worse, make Childe feel guilty.
So he kept it hidden. He laughed at the morbid jokes, even the ones that held more hurt behind them than anything else. He did was he thought a good boyfriend should do, he put himself aside and focused on Childe. And so he suffered, a lot. He spent nights wide awake, worried out of his mind that he was going to get another cryptic text at 4 am with only the words I love you . Every time he heard sirens, it put him on high alert, and more often than not sent him into a panic, even if Childe was sitting in front of him, safe and sound. He thought it was dumb, it wasn’t as though he had even been the one to find Childe, or deal with the immediate aftermath (minus the hey, i’m gonna be at the hospital, they’re sending me to inpatient :( text).
Once Childe had really gotten over the whole ordeal and gotten settled back in at school and home had he only truly realized how poorly his boyfriend had been doing. He had started to notice the little things that would cause Zhongli’s anxiety to skyrocket, ranging from sudden touches to any loud noise. Of course, he knew Zhongli had issues previously, but he had never seen him openly struggle so much. And he didn’t know what to do. It’s not as though Zhongli had asked for help, was it really his place to offer it?
The day he realized it didn’t really matter whether it was his place or not was a chilly October Thursday, around 2 pm. He was going to get a drink of water - naturally, from the farthest water fountain from his class - and stumbled upon Zhongli, curled up into a ball, head in hands, in a stairwell. It was a shocking sight, his boyfriend having what could only be described as either a complete breakdown or prolonged panic attack. He moved down to tap him on the shoulder, taking in how violently the other was shaking. He was met with a muffled shriek and Zhongli managing to somehow make himself smaller in the space.
“Okay, I won’t touch you, don’t worry,” He finally spoke up, “Can you breathe with me? In,” 7 seconds, “Hold,” 4 seconds, “Out”, another 7 seconds, “Hold,” another 4. The pattern repeated itself until Zhongli finally looked up from his hands, revealing puffy eyes and irritated skin marred with tears. “Okay, see, that wasn’t too bad. How about we do one more thing for good measure?” He was now sitting criss-cross in front of the other, having previously decided it was the least threatening position. “Can you say 5 things you can see to me?” He anxiously awaited the other to speak, hoping he hadn’t asked too soon.
“Um..Uh...Your hair, and, uh, the stair railing. The stair number sign...the fire extinguisher cabinet… and the AED?” Zhongli’s voice was hoarse, but that was to be expected.
“Good, good. Now, 4 things you can touch, I think.”
“Okay...The tile...um, the brick...the railing…” He leaned over and forcefully latched onto Childe, suddenly clinging onto him as if his life depended on it, “and you.”
“I- okay. 3 things you can hear.”
“You, again. I think there’s a janitor on the first floor somewhere in that hallway. The lights are buzzing.” Childe frowned - he knew that at least for him, he could only really hear the lights when he was either overstimulated or understimulated.
“Great. We’re almost done - 2 things you can smell.”
“The stairwell is musty, and..” He buried his face into Childe’s shirt, “You wore cologne today?”
“That I did. And then 1 thing you can taste, and we’re done.”
“Blood.” That caught Childe off guard, although, in retrospect, it shouldn’t have been that surprising. He had been pretty tense, so he probably did bite his cheek or something in the whole process.
“Good,” He rubbed small circles on his back, hoping it had a calming effect. “Do you wanna talk about it? It might be helpful?” There was a brief moment of silence as the brunette shoved his face further into Childe’s chest.
“I-I heard sirens. And someone said we had a fire drill, and I didn’t see you this morning, and it was just too much. And the sirens just...pushed me over the edge.” Childe knew his boyfriend didn’t like loud noises, so the fire drill made sense, but he didn’t think sirens had been that big of an issue. And then it hit him - Zhongli had thought the sirens were for him. That’s why he included the part about not seeing him. And he had even had his phone on silent all morning, so Zhongli never would have received a reply if he had texted or called either.
“Oh, Zhongli. Oh, honey, I’m so sorry.” He pulled the other closer, feeling fresh tears against his shirt.
“‘S not your fault. I should’ve had it under control. ‘M sorry.”
“Hon. You can’t control your triggers. And you can’t control your reactions to them without the proper treatment, which you haven’t had. It’s not your fault, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”
“But I should’ve had it under control, and now I’ve bothered you, and we’re probably late, and-” He started scrambling to get away, eyes clouding with more panic.
“Stop, Zhongli, we have at least 40 minutes in class. You haven’t bothered me. I’m glad I found you. And there was no way you could’ve had it under control. It takes years of treatment to be able to face so many major triggers within such a short time frame. Considering the circumstances, you did really well.” He pulled Zhongli a littler closer, forcing him to cease his squirming.
“Okay. I love you.”
“I love you too. Just relax, I’ll walk you back to class when it’s time.”
Now, they had a system. They didn’t let it get that bad again, and if they did, they both would likely be consumed by never-ending guilt. So when Zhongli asks Childe if maybe, just maybe, he should ask his parents about spending time at an inpatient facility over break, Childe doesn’t take it personally. And when Childe calls Zhongli every night to take his meds, Zhongli doesn’t get annoyed, despite how tempting it is, and if he’s snippy, Childe doesn’t get offended.
--
Childe was always happiest at Zhongli’s side, and vice versa. Sitting next to each other on the couch, eating popcorn, and basking in each other’s presence was the perfect day for them. Perhaps it was peculiar for a high school couple to be so enamored with one another, but it was different for them. They had seen each other through their darkest, and most vulnerable times; they weren’t just dating, they were each other’s closest friends.
“Ajax,” Zhongli nuzzled his face into the top of Childe’s head, causing him to look up.
“Yeah?”
“I love you. Thanks for loving me back.”
“I would have it no other way.”
Chapter 5
Summary:
Childe's parents are less than great, but you know what is great? Getting drunk with your friends!
Notes:
there's a bunch of drinking in this chapter so heads up for that, and some more references to past attempts and suicidal ideation
please keep yourself safe while reading!also, I feel like I should apologize for how long this took, my mental health went thbbbbt and then I decided I had to rewrite half the chapter because I hated it so it took longer than normal
on that note, please don't expect consistent updates! regretfully, I have a life and cannot churn out 2k words of pure projecting every other day (as much as I would like to)last thing I promise - I do see all your comments, and they make me very very happy, I am just socially inept and don't wanna say the wrong thing by responding
<3
Chapter Text
Childe sighed, rubbing his hands down his face. Zhongli had left once his parents had arrived home earlier than usual - it was almost as if he knew he wouldn’t want to be around for the subsequent conversation. To be fair, Childe should have expected this. He should have expected his parents would decide it was time to be all up in his business now that he was suspended.
The odd thing about his parents is that, despite being relatively absent for the majority of it, they felt entitled to knowledge of his life. Of course, he strongly disagreed. He didn’t trust them. They only cared about him when his life became an inconvenience to theirs. And a call from the dean of students tends to be a pretty large inconvenience. So he prepared himself for the cycle that occurred every time something like this happened. First, they would want to talk to him, pretend they actually care and want to parent him. Then, he would probably lash out, saying things that he didn’t really mean just to get them away. He’d try to bring it up to his psychiatrist, or maybe whichever therapist he was seeing at the time, but all they would say is that he needs to stop being so harsh, that they’re being supportive and doing everything they can to help him and he’s being unfair. And every time, he just wants to scream. Because no one understands. They were too late . If they wanted to care about his emotional well-being, they could’ve started sooner, before he was this fucked up. They don’t get to care about him now, the damage was done.
He was sitting on his bed, scrolling through his phone, trying to distract himself from the dread pooling in his gut. It wasn’t unsolicited, but he still shoved it away as if the feeling was a plague victim. The sky mirrored his anxiety, a dark grey threatening to break with rain. Despite all of this, he felt safe. His room was his safe place, as stereotypical as it sounds. When he was under the comforter, he felt like a kid again, hiding from all the monsters under the bed. But of course, his parents had to go and ruin it.
“Ajax,” His mother walked into the room, father trailing soon after. He nearly jumped at the noise - how many times has he had to tell them to knock?
“What do you want?” He responded shortly, hoping they would soon go away. His mother sat down at the end of the bed, forcing him to sit up to avoid her touch. His father continued to stand awkwardly near the door, letting the other lead.
“Honestly, Ajax, we’re worried about you. It’s been so long since you’ve been like this,” no it hasn’t , his brain supplied, you just haven’t cared to notice , “and I think we can all agree that we don’t want a repeat of last year.” why the fuck did she have to bring that up-
“Mom, I'm fine, really it was just a misunderstanding. Sorry if I bothered you.”
“How many times do we have to tell you? You’re not a bother.” His father finally spoke up, although it wasn’t necessarily a positive in the situation. It was almost as if his parents were trying to get him upset, almost trying to force him to say something he would regret.
“I know. Can you go now? I’m not really interested in having this conversation.” His tone was bitter, but still restrained enough to be considered polite.
“No. We’re your parents, you can’t keep pushing us away. You refuse help from anyone, you won’t listen to your therapist, you won’t listen to us, and it’s becoming a serious problem. If you think you can get improve by yourself, fine, do that then. But we know you can’t. So either take help from us or find someone.”
“As I’ve already said, I’m not having this conversation with you. Stop sticking your nose in my business and get out of my room .” He felt nauseous. Everything was too much again, but they couldn’t know that. They couldn’t see him have a breakdown because all that would accomplish is yet another conversation.
“No! You have to talk to us. You’re being impolite and frankly, this is not who I raised you to be!” Yeah, probably because you didn’t raise me.
“Please listen to your mother. We’re trying here. You can at least do the same.” His emotions were quickly rising up his throat, he felt as though he was choking on them.
“For fucks sake, just get out of my room! I’ve already asked you twice, I’m not comfortable having this conversation right now - or ever, for that matter - and I’m asking for privacy.” His mother flew up from her spot on the bed, causing him to flinch at the sudden movement.
“Ajax,” She pointed a finger at him, “You know what you’re doing. This is ridiculous. We expect better from you.” She stormed out of the room, but his father remained.
“Oh my god, I didn’t just mean her, I want you out too.”
“Fine. But you can’t keep abusing us like this. You don’t see how upset she gets over you. It’s not fair of you. We deserve a chance.” And with that, he was gone, slamming the door behind him.
Childe was furious. The moment his father left the room, he descended into sobs. How was what he was doing abuse ? They knew - they had to at this point - how much it hurt when they called him that. It was their lowest insult, one they had been using since he was barely Tonia’s age. He wanted to trust them, he really did, but how could he when they kept doing shit like that? He didn’t know who was right or wrong anymore. Maybe he was the problem. That’s what everyone said, so surely it was true? He just wanted to be good enough, he wanted his parents to actually love him, he wanted so much all the time, and yet…
He shook his head, trying to physically force his brain to quiet itself. Grabbing his phone, he noticed he had no notifications, per usual. He shot off a quick text to Kaeya, who responded immediately.
C: yo do u wanna go get drunk asf somewhere
K: duh
C: gimme 20 min to sneak out + get car
C: bring money for mcnuggets
K: on it
He quietly grabbed a bag, shoving his keys and wallet into it, followed by a book and a deck of cards. He put on his shoes, shoved his phone into his jean pockets, and unlatched the window. There was a screen on it, from the first time his parents had caught him sneaking out. Unfortunately for them, it was rather easy to remove. As he clambered out, leaving a coaster under the window to ensure it wouldn't shut, he couldn’t help but notice the chill in the air. The wet grass soaked into his converse, forcing him to walk even quicker to where his car was parked. Luckily, it was far enough away from his house for his parents to not notice when he started the rickety engine.
Streetlamps illuminated the residential streets on the way to Kaeya’s house. He lived in a nicer part of town, surrounded by fancy three-story suburban mansions. He remembers Kaeya telling him once that every other kid in his neighborhood attended a religious private school, supposedly renowned for its academic prowess. Even driving through it, he shivered at the stark coolness of the whole area. The Ragnivindr house was likely the only home on the block he would ever dare to get near to. In contrast to the other buildings that surrounded it, Kaeya and Diluc’s house gave off a welcoming and warm aura. He sat in the driveway, knowing that the house itself was big enough to not have to worry about the sound his car gave off. Regardless, there was no way to easily leave without the head housekeeper, Adelinde, finding out. It was almost scary.
He was getting lost in his thoughts again, just sitting in the driver’s seat waiting for the other. He couldn’t take his mind off what his parents told him. It was his fault, after all. If he had just a little more control, they wouldn’t be so disappointed in him. Maybe they would be home a little more to see him. Maybe they would love him the way they loved his siblings. Before he could spiral further, a knock at his window startled him. Seeing that it was just Kaeya - with Diluc, yet again - he unlocked the doors. Catching Childe’s questioning look at his presence, Diluc spoke up as he buckled in.
“I’m here because my idiot brother told me what he was doing and I’m not letting you drive drunk. Or get so drunk that you can’t fight off the hangover tomorrow with a bottle of water and four Tylenol.” Childe stuck his tongue out at him, putting the car in gear and beginning to exit the driveway.
“You’re such a fucking killjoy, Luc.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry I won’t let you kill my brother because both of you wanted to drink a ridiculous amount of vodka - which, by the way, is a terrible drink of choice.” Sarcasm was practically dripping from every word he said. It was well known at this point that Diluc was the designated driver, given that he was the only one out of all of them that disliked alcohol. He claimed that it was because he simply couldn’t stand the flavor, but one night he confessed to Childe that it was Kaeya’s affinity for the substance that kept him completely sober. Childe figured seeing someone blackout drunk and then dealing with the aftermath one too many times could do that to a person.
“Vodka is a great drink of choice, thank you very much. Besides, it’s not like we’re just straight-up chugging the bottle, we have chasers and stuff, we’re not heathens.” Kaeya stepped in.
“No one would be able to guess that looking at the two of you.” Childe didn’t dignify him with a response, choosing to continue the drive in silence.
After stopping at a McDonald’s drive-through, they finally arrived at their destination. It had been their spot since practically middle school, although only recently had it become an area to become inebriated. A flickering light illuminated the top of the parking garage, giving way to the brighter moon that graced the view. Sitting up there, he felt like he was on top of the world. There had been several occasions where that feeling had been stolen away from him, but it always returned. He couldn’t help but be nostalgic every time he stepped on the worn concrete, leaning slightly over the rail.
“Dumbass, get away from there.” Diluc grabbed his arm and forced him back to reality.
“Sorry, sorry,” He mumbled, grabbing a solo cup from Kaeya and promptly chugging half of it. He relished in the burn that followed, slowly turning into a familiar warmth. Diluc shot him a concerned glance, but kept his mouth shut, knowing that it wasn’t his place.
“So...Kaeya...you and Albedo, hm?” Childe deflected, nearly making Kaeya choke on his drink in the process. Diluc raised his eyebrows, pivoting to look at his brother.
“Now, brother dearest, you have yet to inform me of this...connection.” Kaeya continued to splutter as the other two smirked.
“Shut the fuck up, both of you. Diluc, you have to be a fucking idiot if you haven’t noticed us together, or all the times I’ve ditched all of the random events that Father makes us go to, so you definitely have your own suspicions. And Childe… yeah, no, I don’t know how you know, but yes, we are a thing-” He was promptly cut off.
“I knew it! Fuck yeah!” Childe pumped his fist in the air, earning himself a glare from both brothers.
“ Anyways , Albedo isn’t out to anyone except his little sister, so I’d appreciate it if you two didn’t go around spreading this information.”
“I won’t, but I wouldn’t trust our maniacal little pack of freshman fangirls.”
“Yeah, actually, they probably figured it out before either of us did. They’re like creepy little demon stalkers,” Diluc followed up Childe’s statement.
“Ugh. I fucking hate them. Can’t we just like, I dunno, report them to the school or something?”
“Technically, they haven’t done anything illegal.” The yet was left unsaid by all of them. “Look, there’s no point in jumping to conclusions. They’ll do what they do and we’ll deal with it, we always have.” Diluc let out a sigh following Childe’s brief monologue.
“And while we’re on the topic! How are you and Zhongli doing?”
“Kaeya, you’re ass at changing the topic. And, for the record, we’re very much so okay just as normal. Minus my slight suspension and subsequent breakdown, of course.” With this, he took a swig from a bottle of beer that he had grabbed, deciding he didn’t want to get hammered that quickly.
“Suspension?!” Diluc exclaimed, talking over Kaeya’s short laugh.
“I may or may not have beat up Scaramouche. Badly. Like, I don’t really remember what happened bad. But apparently, he bit me,” He tried adding the last part to make the whole situation slightly lighter, but the brothers were not having it.
“Oh my god, Childe, you’re such a fucking idiot-”
“No, he’s not, Scaramouche is an ass, he deserved to be put down a peg.” Kaeya interrupted.
“I agree with you, but that doesn’t mean you can send him to urgent care! You’re lucky as hell his family didn’t sue.”
“You know what, I didn’t even think of that.” Childe shrugged, not letting it bother him. He had long since accepted the fact that he was royally fucked, so any news, regardless of how disastrous it could be, didn’t really phase him.
“Okay, I take it back, maybe you are an idiot.”
The three of them continued drinking - and talking - for almost an hour. Childe knew he was drunk, not quite black-out yet, but well past the point of tipsy. He found himself grateful that Diluc had come along as a designated driver. If he had had to drive then… well, he didn’t even want to go there. He was incredibly lucky that he was smart enough to leave the coaster under his window, ensuring easy entrance to his room, and that he had left out a pair of pajama pants to quickly change into before promptly falling onto his bed. The alcohol had finally settled into his system, making him drowsy.
He lay there, staring at the unmoving fan on his ceiling, contemplating things one probably should not be after getting - for lack of a better term - shitfaced. In particular, what Zhongli had said just a few days ago. Maybe it’s time that you need to get more help again . He really, really didn’t want to. His last experience at an inpatient facility - and the following programs - hadn’t been nearly as bad as he knows others had found it, but it’s not like it was a pleasant experience. He had missed a lot of school, his poor siblings were stuck with his parents, and he hadn’t been able to see Zhongli for almost a month. The overall problem now, however, was that Zhongli hadn’t been wrong. He did need the help. His thought processes had been leaning more and more towards constant cognitive distortions rather than actual logic, not to mention the constant self-harm and suicidal ideation. He wanted the help, he truly did, but it was scary. He didn’t even know if it would help this time. Clearly, if he was this bad again, it hadn’t the last time. All he wanted was to be better. He was so tired of being...well, himself.
Chapter 6
Summary:
Childe is depressed and Zhongli is anxious, what could go wrong?
Notes:
I am back! It's been a while. I'm so sorry - I really didn't intend to go away for so long, it just sort of happened. I went on vacation, and then it was the end of the semester, etc, etc.
But here we are, two months later, with more of Zhongli and Childe simply being mentally ill because I am also mentally ill and like to project my issues.
Same tws as always, take care of yourself while reading <3
Chapter Text
The sun blinded him as he sat up, illuminating portions of his room with soft, golden rays. Childe grumbled as he forced himself out of bed and got himself dressed in a clean hoodie and pajama pants. With a quick glance at his clock, he realized that it was long past the time when his siblings left for school. He was going to take them again today, as a special treat, but apparently not. RGB lights were blinking on his pc in the corner, tempting him to waste the day away with FPS games and yelling at toxic players.
He blinked and noticed a headache forming, undoubtedly from his hangover. He knew eating something would probably help, but for some unfathomable reason, he couldn’t bring himself to. Even as he moved on autopilot to the kitchen, stopping only to stare blankly at the cupboards, his body refused to take anything. Nothing looked good, but at the same time, everything looked good.
Go back up to your room. Give in. He shook his head, slightly twitching. God, he hated when the voice started this early. It would probably be around all day if this was any indication. It wasn’t necessarily a different entity, but he still couldn’t reconcile with the fact that that meant the voice was himself. He preferred to think of it as his brain, and he and his brain could be inherently separate beings.
Listen to me. It’s comfortable. Go back to sleep. You’ll be safe . The thought of safety was… enticing, to say the least. To be wrapped up in blankets, wallowing in the heavy emptiness that threatened to consume him. He twitched again, quietly reprimanding himself for the action. It had only become a recent development as a response to his intrusive thoughts, but it was so unbearably awful to not have complete control over his movements even for a brief second.
Move, idiot. You’re not going to eat anything, you can’t eat anything. You don’t deserve any of this. Stop staring at the cabinets. Stop. Stop. Stop. Sto-
The phone rang, jolting him out of his head.
“What do you want?” It came out harsher than intended, but whatever. That was a later problem.
“Childe…” Zhongli’s voice crackled through the speaker, “How are you?”
“‘M fine. Why?” It was stupid, but he really did not want Zhongli caring about him right now. He just wanted to wallow in his self-loathing and let the pit inside consume him until eventually he just couldn’t take it anymore.
“You haven’t answered your phone all morning,” Oh fuck oh shit he was probably worried after the other day-
“Oh. Sorry, I was up late last night,” came out instead of a calm, reassuring sentence to help his undoubtedly panicking boyfriend.
“You’re all good, don’t worry about it, I was just anxious,” Zhongli paused, “are you doing anything today?”
“Actually I’m extremely busy being a depressed fuck so yes,” Childe responded flatly.
“Haha. Very funny.”
“Thank you, I’m a comedic genius, I know,”
“Anyways. It’s my lunch period, but I don’t have anything after school, so do you want to come over or something?” Finally, they got around to the point of the call.
“Um…Maybe? Depends on how I’m feeling,” Even the thought of leaving his house made him exhausted, but he didn’t want to disappoint Zhongli by saying no right away.
“Is it a bad day?” His boyfriend’s voice was softer this time, comforting.
“I don’t know yet. Probably.”
“Well…let me know if you need anything, okay?”
“I will. Can you stay on the phone with me while I eat something…I don’t think I can do it by myself,” He crumbled a little at the confession.
“Of course. Do you wanna hear about my animal crossing village hunt the other night?”
“Duh, did you get Beau like you wanted?” Childe finally mustered the courage to pull a box of rice krispies down from the shelf while he was distracted by Zhongli’s story (yes, he got Beau, but not after using all his tickets and sanity). These were the moments that made Childe truly grateful for his boyfriend. Zhongli was willing to listen and just be there. Despite his own issues, he never left or let Childe be alone. He felt lighter now, after allowing himself a moment of respite to be distracted. He felt loved .
–
Zhongli would be lying if he said he wasn’t worried about Childe. He hadn’t seen Childe’s mental health so unstable in a really, really long time. His impulsivity recently and overall less-than-great decision-making was the real kicker. And there was only so much he could do on his own, especially while balancing his own mental health and school. It took a lot out of him to not immediately try to step in and make things better right away. He wanted Childe to be happy again, to take the initiative so he could have a little room to struggle himself. He wanted Childe to feel comfortable in being not okay, and to him, that meant forcing himself to be okay when Childe wasn’t. Sure, he had gotten better about it since they started dating, he wasn’t going to let himself get so bad that he would completely crumble, but still. He wanted to be strong for his boyfriend.
All of this ran through his mind throughout the school day, subtly filtering through any and all other thoughts and inputs. It was so loud, and he noticed himself flinching at any sudden action. It felt like something was crawling under his skin, and he just wanted quiet.
“Zhongli?” His head shot up from his desk to see his MV Calc teacher staring at him, offering the worksheet for the day.
“Sorry,” he mumbled. He finally realized that this was his last period - was he supposed to go to Childe’s house after school? He thinks that that’s what they agreed upon earlier, although he can’t really remember well. He’d been in a weird spot for the entire day, feeling everything and nothing all at once. But this wasn’t about him, he reminded himself, it was about Childe, and how he was getting worse again.
Finally, the bell rang, dismissing the thousands of students that promptly began to flood out of the building. Zhongli followed, letting the crowd carry him to his bus stop. He went through the monotonous motions for the millionth time, scanning his pass and picking a place to stand towards the back doors. This was no different than any other day, getting off at Childe’s stop rather than his own was typical at this point. But unlike other days, everything felt so painfully loud. Everything that hit his senses felt as though it was assaulting him. He wanted to flip himself inside-out, to force himself away from this uncomfortable feeling stuck under his skin. He was sure he looked frazzled at the very least, and that knowledge was not helping him calm down. Even with his headphones blocking out the noise from his peers and the bus, it didn’t go away.
Stepping off the bus, away from the fumes and chatty freshman, Zhongli felt a little bit better. Sure, birds were chirping, and his bracelets felt like they digging into his skin, but progress is progress. The bus stop was only a couple blocks away from Childe’s house, but it felt like miles. He almost tripped several times because of how distracted he was by the overwhelming amount of input his brain was receiving.
Eventually, he did make it to Childe’s house, an average-sized suburban home sitting between other cookie-cutter houses. He walked up the wooden steps to the porch, ringing the bell instead of knocking. A few moments later, and the door creaked open to reveal Childe, slightly disheveled and obviously exhausted. Zhongli didn’t even say anything, he just pushed his way inside and dumped his backpack and jacket next to the couch. Childe shut the door and stared as his boyfriend sunk into the couch, curling in on himself.
“Zhongli-” He stopped, completely shell-shocked. Childe was having a bad enough day on its own, he certainly did not have the capacity to properly deal with whatever this was.
The silence between them was broken as Childe’s siblings ran through the door, promptly ditching their bags and sneakers by the doormat. Anthon and Teucer ran to one of their rooms as Tonia took in the scene in front of her. Her brother was standing in his pajamas from last night, looking like he got run over by a truck. His hair was clearly unbrushed, and dark circles were hanging under his eyes. Zhongli, by contrast, was curled up on the couch, his hands over his ears.
“Um…are you two okay?” She timidly spoke up, glancing between the two. Childe crouched to meet her eye level, rubbing a hand over his face.
“I don’t know yet, but we will be, okay? All you have to do is make sure your brothers don’t make too much noise, and we’ll figure it out.”
“Okay…I love you,” She whispered, eventually following the path her brothers had taken up the stairs. Childe was left, still in slight shock. He cautiously walked over to where Zhongli had taken residence on his couch.
“Hey…are you okay?” He reached over to try and get Zhongli’s hands off his head and was met with a heavy flinch. “Okay, I won’t touch you, but you have to tell me what you need.” A small whimper escaped Zhongli, and he shook his head. He needed…what did he need? This had never happened in front of Childe before. Normally he was able to hold out until the end of the day and just crawl under his weighted blanket until it calmed him down. It was foolish of him to think he could’ve been able to handle going to Childe’s, he knew that now, but it didn’t fix anything. He was scaring his boyfriend - his wonderful boyfriend who was trying so, so hard to help, despite being in a bad place today as well.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” He whispered, tears starting to gather in his eyes.
“Stop, you have nothing to be sorry for. It’s okay, see? I’m here, we’re both okay.” Childe’s voice was so soothing to him, it didn’t grate against his ears like everything else.
“Pressure?” He asked, providing any more context was beyond him at that point. All he knew was that if he had a weighted blanket or anything like that, he would be okay, he always was before.
“I don’t have a blanket, Zhongli. I can give you a hug?” Childe immediately interpreted what he wanted, trying to offer up another solution. After a hesitant nod, he wrapped Zhongli in a tight hug. Zhongli felt his body immediately lose some of the previous tension. He was exhausted. Comforted by Childe, he quickly fell asleep, leaving Childe alone to his thoughts.
Childe was also exhausted, but in a drastically different way than Zhongli. He was content to sit there, slightly running his fingers through the other’s hair, just thinking. He was worried too, but there wasn’t much he could do. Zhongli wasn’t the type to share when he was struggling or even show it in any way, shape, or form. Childe admired his stoic attitude most of the time, but not now. He just wanted Zhongli to be okay, for him to open up. He sighed, quietly letting himself drift off on top of his boyfriend.
Chapter 7
Summary:
Zhongli wakes up at Childe's house, only to be faced with the realization that he should probably explain why he showed up there in the first place.
Notes:
okay so! this chapter I wanted to explore more of Zhongli's perspective and how, despite their communication, he still has this idea that - for whatever reason - he doesn't deserve help simply because he doesn't have the same issues with the same level of severity as Childe. They never really talk about how competitive mental illnesses can be, so I decided to instead because this is my fic and I make the rules.
I also thought I'd add a little disclaimer that this fic is going to promote recovery. If you're not into that, I'd rather not have you reading this in the first place. Yes, I wrote this as a vent piece originally, but I've come a long way, and I need to make it clear that I do NOT promote the behaviors in this. On that note, I will also never write a graphic sh/ed/suicide scene apart from MAYBE the thought processes/emotions. Don't expect that sort of stuff anywhere on my page.
anyways! shorter chapter this time, I know it's been a while, but I'll make up for it I pinky promise. It's the standardized testing season now for me so yet again I make no promises for the next updates.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Zhongli blinked his eyes open, taking in the dark living room before him. Glancing at the digital clock in the corner, he saw that it was almost 11. He immediately sat up, groaning as some of his joints cracked.
“Oh, you’re awake, perfect,” Childe walked in, turning on a lamp. Zhongli winced at the new noise and light but quickly shook it off. He couldn’t do that again, he had to keep it together until his brain decided to start filtering sensory input normally. “Here, you should eat something, I have leftovers,” A box of moderately-warm pizza was placed in front of him along with a glass of water.
“Uh…Thanks.” He cringed at how hoarse his voice was before taking a drink of the water. “I’m sorry for any inconvenience I caused you, this really wasn’t your problem at all.” The couch dipped down as Childe sat next to him, frowning.
“I’m always here to help, you know that.”
“You were already having a bad day, and I could’ve handled it myself, it shouldn’t be your job to fix me when I get like this,” He took a bite of pizza, only then realizing how hungry he was.
“Zhongli. Please,” Childe paused, considering his next words carefully, “I want to be able to help you, regardless of how I’m feeling at the time, you can come to me.” An uncomfortable silence fell over the pair, allowing Childe to fully take in his boyfriend’s appearance. Zhongli looked…worse for wear, to put it lightly. Dark circles hung under his eyes, a look of quiet distress etched onto his face. His hands were still trembling slightly. “I- I really don’t want to pry, and you don’t have to tell me anything, but I want to help. You don’t have to do this alone.”
“I’m fine. I just - I don’t know, okay? I’m not like you, I don’t have a reason . I’m just… like this. So no, I do have to do this alone, because it is something of my own doing. And never in a million years would I ask you to follow me down this inevitable rabbit hole.”
“No, honey, stop. It’s okay. We’re okay . Whatever is happening isn’t your fault, and we’ll figure it out. You say that to me all the time, we’ll figure it out together, I promise.” Quiet tears began to trickle down Zhongli’s face, betraying his forcibly calm demeanor.
“I just wanna be normal.”
“I know.”
-
Zhongli squinted, adjusting to the bright light forcing its way through the blinds. He wasn’t surprised in the slightest to see that his resting place had continued to be Childe’s couch. Slowly sitting up, he proceeded to stretch and shuffle his way into the kitchen, clutching a knit blanket around his shoulders.
He was exhausted, anyone could see that just by looking at him. He had broken… again. He felt as though he was one of Tonia’s dolls from when she was younger, constantly in need of new seams and patches after it had been a victim of a tug-of-war match. He had always had anxiety, and as he got older, it began to feed into sensory and attention issues. He never really let himself feel it - Childe always had it worse anyways.
In a way, it was easier for him to simply dismiss his own worsening issues by throwing himself into other aspects of life - whether that be school, college searches, or even just caring for Childe, it didn’t matter. Really, the first red flag should have been when Childe’s issues started to warp his own. The constant worrying with sirens, nightmares about being too late to save him, and frankly, just the idea that he was somehow responsible for “saving” Childe was problematic in and of itself.
But the past 8 hours had been a culmination of 3 years of silent repression and panic attacks, and there was no conceivable way that he could talk his way out of this now.
All of this raced through his mind at 100 miles an hour as he shuffled into the Kitchen, tightly clutching a blanket around his shoulders. Childe was glaring at his phone on the counter as if it had committed a war crime, while simultaneously cooking eggs.
“Childe?”
“What?” Childe snapped, breaking his gaze from the phone, “Oh. Sorry, sorry, I’ve been distracted.”
“No shit.” He sat down at one of the wooden chairs designed to match a small corner table that had long been buried under piles of papers and books.
“You’re going to be late to school.” With a quick glance at the clock, Zhongli noticed that it was already 10:00, an hour and a half after first period started.
“I’m already late, it’s pointless to even bother going now,” He sighed, leaning back and wrapping the blanket tighter around him as if it could somehow shield him from the upcoming conversation. Childe visibly hesitated, biting his lip.
“You remember the other day when you asked me to talk to you?” Another hesitation, and then, “It’s your turn now.”
“There’s nothing to talk about,”
“What do you mean ‘there’s nothing to talk about’ because never once has this happened before and I am beyond worried about you right now!” He took a deep breath, allowing his tone to return to its previously calm state. “I can’t make you say anything. I know that. You know that. But when you show up to my house in the middle of a fucking breakdown, some context would be nice.” Zhongli sighed, rubbing a hand down his face.
“It’s…it’s not as big of a deal as you’re making it out to be.”
“Bullshit.” Childe crossed his arms and leaned even further back into the counter.
“What do you mean ‘bullshit’? It’s not, you’ve literally watched this happen before!”
“I mean that I call bullshit. I have never watched what happened last night. Panic attacks? Sure. Depressive episodes? Every once in a while. But not that. So sue me for being worried!”
“For fucks sake, Childe! You’re right, I’m not fine, the secret is out! I was tired and everything was loud, you weren’t at school, and I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing! I barely even remember yesterday, all I know is that I am beyond exhausted from it and there is nothing you can do about it because there is no easy solution and maybe, just maybe, I don’t want to do anything about it right now-” He was cut off my Childe bringing him into a bone-crushing hug.
“I’m sorry. It’s okay, it’s all gonna be okay.” Zhongli realized he was crying when he felt little wet patches on Childe’s shirt. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want, okay? I’m just worried about you, that’s all. I don’t want you to get so caught up in worrying about everyone else that you forget about yourself. It’s all gonna be okay.” He kept crying as Childe rocked him back and forth, repeating it’s gonna be okay and shushing him every once in a while. He felt his eyes slowly shutting, and allowed himself to let go.
–
If Childe was being honest, this whole situation didn’t really make him feel better about Zhongli’s mental state. Nor did it make him feel better about himself, but that was a whole other beast he didn’t particularly feel like confronting at that moment.
In the past 24 hours, he had watched Zhongli have almost 3 consecutive breakdowns, almost doubling how many he had seen in total. It wasn’t as though he wasn’t equipped to handle it - he had had enough breakdowns himself to be able to help - it was that it was so sudden. Every other time, there had been a clear purpose, and Zhongli had gone to him before it got worse. But it seemed to Childe as though they were back at square one, with Zhongli barely willing to open up to him again and just burying everything until he couldn’t anymore.
The real tragedy of it all was that neither of them were going to get anywhere unless they figured something out. Again.
Childe was certainly willing to, but as for Zhongli…. Well, he wasn’t sure what Zhongli would do. He knew that his boyfriend - his wonderful boyfriend that would destroy the world for him and him only - loved him, very, very much. But he also knew that Zhongli coped with things by simply ignoring them. Childe was prone to either running or immediately falling prey to his demons, whereas Zhongli would let them remain in silence. And in some cases, this worked fine. But in others…not so much.
All Childe knew was that he was worried.
Very, very worried.
Notes:
hey you. yeah, you there, reading my fic in which I wrote genshin characters ridiculously ooc so I could project my mental illnesses. take care of yourself! drink some water, grab something to eat if you haven't yet, watch some comforting youtube. you're gonna be okay. things get better. and in case you haven't heard it in a while, I love you, and you deserve so, so, so much more than what you've gotten. <3
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