Chapter Text
Lee Dong Sik was a man full of love, ready to offer his heart on a platter to whoever deserved it. There had been many lucky men and women receiving his love over the years: family, friends, neighbours, colleagues. Once Dong Sik gave his heart away, there was no taking back — unless, of course, you betrayed him in such a profound way that his love could never outgrow the pain and grief caused by it; tough it had only ever happened once; it had come close to a second time but he was still deciding on that — he would always support those dear to him. He asked nothing in return; his love wasn't a bargain, it was unconditional.
So when Han Joo Won barged in his life, a man who had never understood love, who could not accept others could care for him with no ulterior motive, no hidden agenda, Lee Dong Sik faced a fortress his heart yearned to break in.
It hadn’t been immediate of course; at first he was intrigued by this young Inspector, annoyed by his condescension, amused by his controlling quirks. Then his interest was piqued when Dong Sik learned of Han senior, the very same man who had crushed any hope of finding his sister twenty years ago. From then on, their relationship became a game; Han Joo Won was a toy to play with, a gear in the complex machinery he’d set going the night he had found Min Jung’s fingers.
But the game took a turn when Han Joo Won became too invested — and Dong Sik realised he was too. The trump in his sleeve was acting of his own accord, playing for Dong Sik’s side rather than his father’s. The first time he realised the game wasn’t a game anymore was when he asked Han Joo Won: ‘If your father is related to the death of my sister, will you be okay?’ And his chest tightened when Han Joo Won replied: ‘Are you asking me if I will be okay? Not you? Why is it important whether I’m okay or not?’ because he realised two things: he had already given his heart to Han Joo Won, and Han Joo Won would not accept it.
Even when the ugly truth broke out, when those terrible words were replayed under the pouring rain for Dong Sik to finally know — the walls stayed up. Han Joo Won crashed and broke, his values and sense of self shattered in a thousand pieces, and it sowed the idea in him that he had to atone, for he could never be worthy of forgiveness. And it tore Dong Sik’s heart apart, because yes, this was the son of his sister’s killer, and he could see Han Ki Hwan’s traits in Han Joo Won’s, but he so desperately wanted to reach out and mend him. To spare him from the grief that had wrecked most of his own life.
It was unfair, really. Han Joo Won was so desperate to atone, he simply did not care for his own life anymore. He willingly walked into a trap just to ensure Dong Sik would not fall in it. The few seconds of uncertainty when Dong Sik ran to Chief Jung Cheol Mun’s doorstep, praying for Han Joo Won’s safety, would always be burned in his mind. How he felt sick, his heart in his mouth, unable to form a coherent thought. Then Han Joo Won came out, blood on his hands, and Dong Sik thought he could not take much more of this. Not anymore.
The night they arrested Han Ki Hwan was when Han Joo Won finally accepted Dong Sik’s gift. His mission was accomplished: he had found Yu Yeon and avenged her. There was only one thing left to do, one last battlefield to conquer. That night, he gently took Joo Won’s hands and placed his own heart in them; his eyes pleading ‘please, just this time, let me’. And Joo Won let him. He held his hands and let Dong Sik’s love wash over him, finally understanding what it was to be loved.
It took a whole year for Joo Won to come back after that. A year of absence, a year of silence. Dong Sik stayed at home, mostly; his probation restrictions did shackle some of his freedom, but there was also the wait in hope that, maybe, just maybe, a familiar face would turn up one day at his front gate. It didn’t, of course. It was a foolish hope. Why would Joo Won ever want to come back to this haunted town?
Dong Sik didn’t reach out. Some people say absence makes the heart grow fonder. To some extent, it was true. Though Dong Sik convinced himself he would never see Joo Won again, the flame in his chest did not falter; it grew and spread in his bones, sometimes hurting so painfully he had to stop and close his eyes.
He hated the fact that his emotions had such a strong hold on his body. The bullet from Sang Yeob’s murderer only existed in his mind for years after his partner’s death, and yet how many times had he tripped and been reduced to limp? The burn in his chest felt so tight some days, he felt like he couldn’t breathe. At the same time, a part of him revelled in the pain, because it was a tangible proof of memories he never wished to forget.
The weight in his chest was lifted the day he met Joo Won’s eyes at the butcher shop, on the day of Nam Sang Bae’s death anniversary. He’s ok. He’s still here. He realised that for once in his life, it was not enough to give his heart away. He wanted more.
That day on the pier, he did his best not to scare Joo Won away. They walked side by side, basking in each other’s presence. It was all Dong Sik ever wanted: walk by the ones he loved, content and carefree. He shouldn’t ask for more. But when Joo Won turned around to leave, the words were out of his lips before they even formed in his head.
‘Joo Won-ah.’
Please stay in my life. ‘Make sure you eat well.’
I miss you. ‘And sleep well.’
I need you. ‘And poop well too.’
Ridicule had always been his way to cope. That day, it came to his rescue to lighten the situation, but he was glad Joo Won was already a few steps away for he knew he couldn’t hide the love in his eyes. The way the light framed Joo Won’s face and brushed against his cheek, the wind playing with his hair; it was a sight he couldn’t detach his eyes from.
Was it that day he fell in love? Love with a capital L, not the one for a friend or a sibling or a colleague. The type of love that complicated everything. The type of love he could never, ever confess. Why ruin what they had with his selfish feelings? Joo Won would never accept this from him. And rightly so, what could Dong Sik possibly offer him to make it worthwhile?
That’s why, even when Joo Won came back in his life, slowly, shyly, Dong Sik swore to himself he would bury his feelings and never act on them. He would stay by Joo Won’s side, love him unconditionally, and never tell him. It was the only possible course of action.
It didn’t mean their relationship was always harmonious. Most of the time, Dong Sik was happy to simply enjoy Joo Won’s presence, somewhat unsure of why he was even allowed to do so. But sometimes, when the pain in his chest was too tight, when he was afraid of losing Joo Won the most, Dong Sik would lash out. Poisoned thoughts would take over his mind, in turn forcing venomous words through his lips.
They fought. More and more. Dong Sik would find the right words to twist a blade through Joo Won’s heart, always hating himself as soon as he spoke. He would bring back the past, Joo Won’s flaws — were they even flaws? A lack of judgement, a lack of understanding perhaps, but was any of this really his fault? — he would hurt and push away and every time he thought would be the last.
Wouldn’t it be easier if he ended things on his own terms? If he ruined their relationship so much, there was no coming back? No more bittersweet encounters, no more fear of losing what didn’t belong to him, no more foolish yearning.
And yet, Joo Won always came back. And Dong Sik was too much of a coward to keep up this cruel farce. He apologised every time, regretting ever hurting the most important person in his life. They would move on, avoiding the topic, until the next fight.
Until the next fight was just too much to take.
'Why are you like this?'
Joo Won was staring at him with these deep, dark eyes, confused and hurt. Dong Sik had once again started an argument — he couldn't even remember now what had started it. They were in his house, it was late, they were both tired.
'Why do you always…'
He was really going to ruin everything this time. He could tell this was different. This was their breaking point.
I'm sorry.
The words died in his throat. His head was ringing, his chest was pounding; he could only stand there, a few steps from Joo Won, immobile.
'What do you want from me, Lee Dong Sik?'
I want everything. I want you.
But he couldn't tell him. He'd promised himself. No matter how painful this was, he couldn't let the words escape his lips. He would rather have Joo Won hate him than turn him down.
No, that couldn't be right. In a flash of clarity, he realised he had it all wrong. It was fear dictating his actions, not love. It wasn't love to hurt Joo Won and push him away. It was the opposite of love.
His throat still wouldn't let him atone, so he did what he could. He stepped forward — Joo Won flinched — and gently took Joo Won's hands. Just like that night, a year ago. But instead of lifting his hands between them, he placed them on his own chest, very carefully.
Can you hear? My heart beating for you?
Joo Won frowned, distress and ache dancing in his eyes. Dong Sik could only hold his gaze and try to make him understand. But it wasn’t enough; too much was left unspoken between them.
‘I’m sorry,’ he murmured.
Tears of frustration appeared at the corner of Joo Won’s eyes. Dong Sik felt his heart tear apart. He freed one of his hands and gently pressed it against Joo Won’s cheek, wiping the tears away.
‘I’m sorry.’
Joo Won closed his eyes and leaned into the touch ever so slightly. He didn’t leave. Dong Sik did not deserve to have Joo Won accept his apologies. He didn’t deserve to have him in his house, over and over again when Dong Sik was acting so bitter.
‘I’m sorry.’
Joo Won stepped forward and nested his head against Dong Sik’s shoulder, his hands still over the other man’s heart — now beating faster and faster — and stayed there while hiccups shook his body and tears fell uncontrollably. Dong Sik felt his shoulder get wet, but it was the least of his worries in this instant. His free hand came to rest on the small of Joo Won’s neck, gently stroking his hair.
They stayed for a long time like this — minutes, hours? He really couldn’t tell. All he knew was that eventually, Joo Won pulled out of their embrace, face red and puffy, and Dong Sik promised himself that he would never, ever hurt this man again. He pushed back at the fear and regret leaving a bitter taste in his mouth, and forced himself to be honest.
‘Joo Won-ah. Can you… stay for the night?’
He could have justified the request, by saying it was late, and Joo Won was in no state to drive, and it’d be a lot easier to just sleep in one of the guest rooms, and… But these weren’t really the reason why Dong Sik wanted him to stay. No, the truth was that he was afraid what had just happened would be forgotten, never to be talked about again, and he wasn’t sure he would be strong enough to commit to his new resolution if Joo Won were to leave now.
Luckily for him, Joo Won seemed too exhausted to argue. He simply nodded, and let Dong Sik take his hand to guide him to a bedroom. It felt natural, though the sheer intimacy of taking Joo Won to bed by the hand did not go unnoticed by Dong Sik. He wouldn’t sleep in the same room, of course, but he still felt butterflies take flight in his stomach.
They reached the bedroom, where Dong Sik finally let go of Joo Won’s hand — it immediately felt so cold, he had to flex his fingers to compensate for the loss.
‘The sheets are clean, I’ll bring you some fresh clothes to sleep in. Do you need anything else?’
Joo Won opened his mouth, on the verge of saying something, but eventually just shook his head. He offered a weak smile to Dong Sik and sat on the bed, likely waiting for him to bring back said clothes. They exchanged a glance that Dong Sik didn’t know how to interpret. After a final hesitation, he left the room.
That night, when he lay in his bed unable to sleep, he couldn’t help but wonder what Joo Won had been about to say. What if he had asked him to stay with him? Would he have done it? Of course he would. In a heartbeat. But that was just him projecting; his own desires taking over his foolish mind. Joo Won would never ask this of him.
And yet, a small voice kept whispering in the back of his mind: then why is he still here, sleeping in your house?
It took Dong Sik an embarrassing amount of time to realise his feelings were reciprocated. After that night in his house, he kept his promise to himself and no more arguments broke out between them. Instead, he tried to be honest while never crossing the line, supporting Joo Won the best he could. It still hurt, but he could live with it. Like he always had.
It’s only when Ji Hwa commented on their relationship that he realised what a tool he had been.
‘So, are you and Han Joo Won officially together now? You look a lot less miserable these days.’
She was met with a shocked silence, Dong Sik desperately trying to keep a straight face while wondering just how much she knew.
‘What are you on about, Ji Hwa? As if our cheeky prince would want to date an old man like me.’
He had meant to joke about it, but he realised he sounded a bit too desperate for that. Also — so much for denying he was interested in Joo Won.
‘Are you joking? The only person more obvious about their feelings than you is Han Joo Won. I thought you knew?’
Ji Hwa was staring at him in disbelief. Dong Sik stared back at her. Joo Won did what?
A long conversation ensued where Ji Hwa calmly outlined the exuberant amount of evidence pointing at the fact that yes , Joo Won was indeed certainly into him. Dong Sik had been blinded by doubt and twenty-odd years of bad luck to even notice the signs. Funny how these things worked.
He had a glimmer of hope in his eyes and his stomach in his mouth the next time he saw Joo Won. They met at Dong Sik’s lake house and went for a walk, enjoying a rare warm day of Autumn. They walked in comfortable silence for a while, before Dong Sik decided it was now or never.
‘Joo Won-ah.’
Joo Won turned his head towards him, waiting. Dong Sik only ever called him that way when they were alone, for meaningful conversations. It was the only time he allowed himself to express his love and affection through words. But not for much longer.
‘I…’
He wasn't really sure how to say it. He had dated a few girls back in college, though back then action had spoken more than words. But no matter how appealing was the idea to push Joo Won against a tree to make out, he could tell things had to be said between them. No more playing games.
'You matter to me. I know things are complicated with our respective families, but if you'll have me, I would like you to stay in my life.'
Dong Sik had played this moment in his head multiple times, imagining various extravagant scenarios. There was one common occurrence in all of them though: Ji Hwa had been so sure of herself that his feelings were reciprocated, he had convinced himself that it would end well. Surely, nothing could stand in their way that they couldn’t work out?
He hadn’t planned Joo Won freezing in place, a panicked look on his face.
‘Lee Dong Sik, I don’t know what you are implying, but you should reconsider.’
Eh?
Dong Sik came to a halt as well, confused.
‘Obviously you know what I am implying if you’re telling me to reconsider, what —’
‘I can't — I can’t accept your feelings. I’m sorry.’
Joo Won bowed, hiding his face. Dong Sik stared at him, trying to make sense of the situation. Had Ji Hwa been wrong? Was this all a misunderstanding? He was starting to feel like an even bigger idiot now.
‘...Why?’
It was a fair question, he had the right to ask. If Joo Won could just reject him in his usual calm and methodical manner, he would let it go. He would bury his painful love once again, never to be unearthed again. He just had to hear the truth.
‘I — don’t feel the same way. I’m sorry.’
Dong Sik barely heard the end of Joo Won’s sentence as the man was bowing once again and turning around to leave. Confusion made way for anger in his chest. That was a lie if he’d ever heard one. Any half-decent detective could have picked up on the hushed words pronounced too quickly, the refusal to look at Dong Sik’s face, the literal escape from this conversation by walking away.
Dong Sik stepped forward and grabbed Joo Won by the arm, forcing him to turn around.
‘Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t feel the same way.’
Joo Won flickered his eyes to Dong Sik’s face and oh — it was something to have your best friend tell you the person you love felt the same way, it was another entirely to have said person admit it. Because Joo Won’s eyes fully betrayed his words; his panic only reinforcing what he desperately tried to hide.
‘Joo Won, what the hell is going on?’
He could tell Joo Won was trying to think of a way to get out of this situation. Tough luck. Dong Sik wasn’t letting go of him until he explained himself.
‘I don’t deserve to be forgiven — much less liked by you, and you deserve someone better —‘
‘Not this again,’ Dong Sik interrupted, now properly angry. ‘Wait, you knew?’
‘…I had my doubts.’
So everyone, including Joo Won, knew he was pining like a fool?
‘Great. What more do I need to say Joo Won? I love you. Is that not enough?’
He realised Joo Won hadn’t quite grasped the extent of his feelings when he held his breath at the word ‘love’. Yet another proof that it was time to come clean and lay out everything in the open.
‘Yes, I love you. I’m stupidly in love with you, have been for some time now. I keep thinking about you, keep hoping you’re going to visit and maybe this time you’ll stay for good. What happened between us, between our families — it led us here, to this moment. There’s no point wishing things had been different. And don’t tell me I deserve better, I’ll decide that for myself.’ His voice cracked, anger leading to sadness. ‘I’m tired of running, Joo Won. Am I allowed to rest and live a normal life? Will you give me that?’
Joo Won swallowed. He looked ashamed, but he wasn’t moving. Is this it? Dong Sik thought. How my heart breaks, once and for all?
He let his hand fall down, finally releasing Joo Won from his grip. Just as he was about to turn around, Joo Won finally decided to act. He stepped forward and latched onto Dong Sik’s jacket. He had a frown on his face and red was rapidly creeping on his cheeks.
‘Lee Dong Sik. If you are sure about this, then I—‘
He didn’t have time to finish. Dong Sik kissed him as if his life depended on it. One of his hands was around Joo Won’s collar, the other on his neck — nothing in the entire world could convince him to let go in this instant. It felt amazing, it felt natural, it felt like he was finally whole after a lifetime of loneliness.
And then Joo Won kissed him back, and Dong Sik felt like he could cry. And maybe he did, because he could taste salt on his lips, but he couldn’t tell for the life of him if the tears were his or Joo Won’s.
Their kiss was hungry, messy; they desperately tried to connect and communicate all the unspoken words between them through their embrace. The cards were finally laid out on the table for everyone to see, and in Dong Sik’s mind, they were both winners.
Eventually, they separated if only to catch their breath, forehead against forehead, lost in each other’s eyes.
‘I am sure.’
Joo Won gave him a puzzled look, which made Dong Sik chuckle.
‘To answer your question, I mean. You’ve already forgotten? My, I must be an amazing kisser to make you forget what you just said. Are you okay?’
Joo Won huffed, halfway between exasperated and embarrassed. Dong Sik thought that was the loveliest expression he’d ever seen on Joo Won’s face; one to immortalise in his mind forever.
‘Don’t flatter yourself too much. I was just, uh, distracted.’
‘Hm-hm.’
Dong Sik gave him a cheeky smile before taking a step back, already missing the warmth of their embrace. He was oh so tempted to reach for Joo Won’s hand, to hold him and never let go, but he could tell the man was already self conscious about their very public display of affection - even if the river bank was empty apart from them.
So he put his hands in his pockets and took a few steps, pausing to look back at Joo Won.
‘You coming? Joo Won-ah.’
Joo Won gave him a hearty smile, and fell into step alongside him.
One thing at a time.