What do the flowers really mean?

by casforpenelope

Summary:

Kieran finds himself telling Lauren a bit about his past as they spend another late night together.

Aka kiki backstory that I 100% know is not accurate but is fun to explore

Notes:

Basically completely ignores most of season two. Oops.

Chapter 1

Lauren laughed softly as they entered Kieran’s apartment. “My uncle’s going to think our ‘relationship’ has gotten serious if we keep doing this.”

Kieran gave a short laugh before swallowing, hard. The thought of the Chief of Police learning of their partnership in any capacity was not a thrilling concept.  “Hey, you suggested it. It’s not my fault we stayed out ‘til past midnight and my place happens to be closest. You could have just gone home, distance or not.”

Lauren smiled and quirked an eyebrow at him as she stopped in the middle of the room. “Sir, are you trying to get rid of me?”

Kieran looked back at her and held his palms up quickly. “No, no, of course not!” He gave a strained chuckle as he fought to suppress just how much he didn’t want her to go.

Lauren smirked and crossed the room to sit down at the table, hanging her coat on the back of the chair. She leaned back in the seat comfortably as Kieran proceeded to make a pot of coffee. Once it had finished brewing, he filled a cup and set it before her. The motions had an air of muscle memory, neither having to communicate or map their intentions. It had been nearly a year since their initial meeting, and their partnership was established, solid despite their initial reservations.

The night wore on as they discussed leads and the lack thereof in their investigation on Phantom Scythe. Eventually the coffee was long finished and the heavy quiet of night had settled on them, only the pair’s bantering conversation lilting through the apartment. As the rest of the world slept, the late hour brought with it a sense of safety, of comfort. Lauren lay back on the sofa, arms behind her head, one knee propped up with the other leg extended along the length of the couch. Kieran was draped in an armchair, hands absentmindedly playing with a ribbon.

Lauren turned her head towards him from her position on the sofa. “Okay. You don’t have to answer, but you know I’ve wanted to know from the beginning. What do the flowers really mean?” She moved her arms from behind her head to rest under her cheek as she turned to lay on her side to better face him.

Kieran flicked his eyes toward hers then went back to studying the ribbon in his hand. He considered for another moment, then gave her a small, crooked smile. With a sigh, he tossed the ribbon onto the side table next to him.

“Regret. And all that comes with it,” he finally settled on. “There was…” Here he hesitated, deliberating on whether to explain further or not. He glanced at Lauren once more, her face now serious and attentive.

“There was a kid in the…room next to mine. He was brought in as a prospective new Phantom Scythe member shortly after I was. I could hear him, muffled through the wall.” Kieran shifted in his chair, not quiet meeting Lauren’s gaze. The low timbre of his voice always captivated Lauren on their nights like this, and today was no exception.

“At night, he would recite flowers and their meanings to himself. I always assumed it was some kind of calming exercise for him. Purple hyacinths were one of the ones he would mention. I suppose it just…stuck with me.” He finally turned his face to hers with a doleful smile in place.

Lauren thought for moment from her reclining position on the sofa. He hadn’t lied to her. Somehow this man whom she had initially considered as nothing more than a cold-blooded monster had become something more, endeared to her as a friend, a confidante, a partner. She was grateful for his candidness and pressed her luck a bit further. “What happened to him? Is he an assassin, too?”

Kieran frowned, eyes darkening. He stood, taking his empty cup toward the sink. “He’s dead.” He rinsed the cup in the sink and set it aside to dry before turning to face Lauren again. He seemed to gather his resolve and said soberly, “I killed him.” He walked resolutely back across the room and sat down.

“Oh,” Lauren said softly. Then, “I’m sorry.”

Kieran looked at her for a moment, soul stirring from her simple, non-judgmental response. “I am too. He was the first person the Scythe had me kill, my final test before being ‘set loose’ upon the city.” He gave a small, mirthless laugh. “I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. I’ve never spoken to anyone about this.”

Lauren sat up on the couch and pushed her hair behind her ear. “Did you know his name?” she asked quietly.

Kieran sighed heavily. “Dylan. I never knew the rest of it.”

At this, Lauren felt a shock of icy dread shoot up her throat from her chest. “What?”

Kieran looked at her and frowned. “What’s wrong?”

“His name was Dylan? Are you sure?” Her eyes were opened wide and her hands gripped the edge of the seat, knuckles white.

“Yes, quite sure,” he replied carefully. “Lauren-“

But she interrupted him, asking frantically,“What did he look like?”

“About my age, maybe a year or two younger. Silver hair, silver eyes.”

Lauren felt as though her breath had been stolen, her lungs caved in and her heart squeezed so tightly it had burst. The flowers, the timing, the description, it all fit. It could only be her Dylan. She closed her eyes and felt a wave of nausea swell over her.

“I- I have to go,” she whispered raggedly and stood.

“What? Lauren, it’s the middle of the night. What’s wrong?” Kieran stood as well, reaching a hand toward her.

She recoiled, staring at his outstretched hand. He saw her fearful look and lowered his arm quickly. Lauren grabbed her coat, striding towards the door, leaving a bewildered Kieran trailing behind her. She fumbled with the doorknob, having difficulty getting her shaking hands to open it. Kieran wordlessly opened it for her, sensing that any other action would be decisively unwelcome, and let her tumble out into the night. He only hoped that with time she would share her own demons with him.

Notes:

Oops. :)

Chapter 2

Kieran’s primary goal over the next few work days at the precinct was to avoid Lauren at all costs, a goal which she seemed all to willing to share.

Kieran wasn’t a fool by any stretch of the imagination. You don’t survive as an assassin for long without some measure of intelligence. He had agonized intensively over trying to determine the cause for Lauren’s distress.

Obviously she must have known the boy, but he evidently was someone vitally important to her, and he began to suspect that Dylan was at least a portion of the reason for her desire to take down Phantom Scythe.

But Kieran was not a fool, and he had spent enough time with Lauren to know that his presence would only add fuel to a very volatile fire. Lauren would come to him when she wanted answers.

Kieran was also a master of cloaking his true intentions and emotions, so no one took notice of his internal turmoil. It had taken time for him to realize the true depths of his attachment to his partner. She had forced her way into his affections like a train hurtling down its tracks. No one had ever made him feel so human. But, Kieran was no fool, and the futility of his feelings had been apparent to him from the start.

He looked up as he heard footsteps approaching down the hall. Kym’s jaunty step announced her presence, and the mask of pleasant civility returned to Kieran’s face.

“Morning, Kieran!” she greeted cheerfully once she had reached him.

Kieran noted the empty hall and considered for a split second, then responded, “Good morning, Sergeant! Do you think I might have a word with you for a moment?”

Kym’s eyebrows raised slightly in surprise. “If this is about a birthday gift for Lauren, you’ll have to ask Will. Apparently I don’t always know what is ‘appropriate,’” she said with air quotes.

Kieran gave a polite laugh and allowed a tinge of the worry he felt appear on his face. “No, no, nothing like that. I don’t mean to pry unfairly into Lauren’s affairs, but…” He hesitated, gauging Kym’s response.

Kym frowned slightly. “What do you mean? I’m sure Lauren wouldn’t mind sharing anything with you if you asked,” she responded with a hand on her hip.

Kieran met her gaze for a moment. “Who’s Dylan?” he asked quietly.

Kym’s eyes softened and she gave him a small, somewhat woeful smile. “Ah,” she said gently. “Dylan…he was Lauren’s childhood friend. They were very close. He…most likely died in the Allendale station bombing, but Lauren hasn’t stopped searching for him since.” She paused, saying carefully, “I had hoped when she found you that some of those shadows she’d been hiding in would disappear.”

Kieran gave a small hum in response as he considered the information. It was more of a confirmation of his suspicions than anything, but he still felt the familiar twist of regret turn in his gut with the knowledge. “Thanks, Kym. I think that’s all I needed to know.” He smiled at her and continued down the hall to the archives.

Kym glanced back at him with a worried frown and then reported in to the patrol unit’s headquarters. Kieran’s question had actually been very enlightening for Kym as well. Kym was accustomed to most of Lauren’s various behaviors but the past week had been particularly unusual.

Lauren had been…stoic, oddly so. Lauren was a dichotomy of logic mixed up with passion. Her intelligence and reason kept her grounded in most cases, but her deep-rooted love for her family and friends is what drove her into actions she might not take otherwise. Love brought on her obsession with the past, and with it, an enduring anger and grief.

The more she thought about it, Kym realized that to see her over the last week was jarring. She seemed like an empty shell moving about the pattern of an officer’s day without actively engaging in anything. She said the right things at the right time and finished her work promptly, but she felt so very absent.

When Kym entered the room, Lauren was at her desk writing a report. She came to sit on the corner of Lauren’s desk. “Gooood morning, Officer Sinclair!” she said with a salute.

Lauren gave a brief smile and continued working on her report.

“How are you? Your eyebags are looking particularly purple today. Have you slept at all?” Kym continued in a joking tone, trying to draw her friend out.

Lauren merely gave a low hum in response and turned the page over to continue writing.

“I replaced your phone with a watermelon, hope that’s okay,” Kym continued looking at her sideways.

Lauren gave an absent, “Very good,” and did not look up.

Kym gave an exasperated sigh and threw her hands in the air. She caught Will’s eye and jerked her head toward Lauren. The lieutenant took a moment to figure out Kym’s meaning, having noted Lauren’s subdued behavior all week as well.

Will stood and signaled the start of patrol.“Ladell, why don’t you and Lauren take the eastern route together today?” he offered as they walked out into the streets of Ardhalis.

As Kym and Lauren ambled through the sidewalks, white department masks in place, Kym gave Lauren a small nudge with her elbow and said, “Laur, are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

Lauren quickly cobbled together a small smile, about to deny any such feelings, but Kym stopped her with an outstretched hand. “No, no,” Kym interjected. “You’ve been a walking corpse all week. Kieran’s really worried about you.”

At her partner’s name, Lauren visibly flinched and looked back toward the ground as they continued walking.

Kym pushed gently, “He…he asked me who Dylan was. He said he didn’t want to pry, but I could tell his was very concerned. As am I. What’s going on?” She paused, taking Lauren by the elbow and pulling her behind a small shop.

Lauren stiffened, then seemed to cave in on herself. She slid her mask up to her hairline with one hand and swiped her eyes with the palm of her other, tears suddenly springing into view. “Kym,” she whispered brokenly. “What do I do if- how do I-?” She stopped, her breath coming slightly faster, pressure filling her chest. “What do I do if he’s really dead? What if all of this has been for nothing!” She choked back a sob and pressed the heels of her palms into her eyes once again, futilely willing the tears to cease.

Kym placed a hand on Lauren’s arm and then drew her in tight as her heart ached for her friend.

Drawing back Lauren said softly, “He’s dead, Kym. Dylan’s never coming back.” She finally met Kym’s eyes and whispered, “What am I supposed to do now?”

Kym slid her hands down Lauren’s arms to grip her hands lightly. “You grieve, Lauren. And part of that grief is learning how to see past it, to see life’s possibilities in spite of that person’s absence. Your clock can’t stop just because theirs did,” she said with a small smile.

“I just don’t want to forget anything, I don’t want to forget him.”

“You won’t, Laur. The people we grieve…we may not keep every detail in our minds, but the impact their presence had is woven into us. You will always be who you are today because of him, and no time or other pursuit can diminish that. There is no forgetting someone who was so a part of you.”

Lauren took a moment to collect herself, tumbling Kym’s words over and over in her mind. Finally she gave a wry smile through her tears. “Just when did you become so wise?”

Healing is never a linear journey, but this was a start, at least.

Notes:

Uhhhh, little heavy here. Ha. Gonna need to write some fluff after this.

More to come. Thank you for reading!

Chapter 3

Lauren lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. The moonlight was streaming through the window uninhibited, and Lauren’s eyes moved over patterns in the ceiling revealed by the pale illumination. She thought about what Kym had told her, rolling the words around in her mind.

She finally sighed and pushed the covers back, rising to stand and peer out the window. She hugged her arms to herself, slightly chilled in her thin night gown. She knew Kym was right. She knew she was. But a deep and desperate part of her still needed answers. The questions she asked may be different from before, but she was still filled to the brim with them.

Lauren stood straighter for a moment, resolved, then slid on some pants and a shirt. She grabbed her coat and shuffled into a pair of boots, then shot out the front door of her home onto the streets.

-

Kieran was in his office drawing, trying to shake off his own demons, when he heard the insistent knock at the door. He pressed his fingertips to a small blade tucked into his sleeve, hardly noticing the instinctive motion. Only two people would be at his door at this hour - someone from the Scythe or Lauren - and both of them would probably want to kill him.

His bare feet crossed the floor to the door, opening it slightly to see Lauren’s pale face and flaming hair. A wisp of cool air passed through the gap in the door.  He opened the door wider, and she entered wordlessly.

She remained facing away from him as he shut and locked the door behind her. He stood, quiet, waiting for her to break the silence. He noted her appearance, slightly disheveled, and… small. She hugged her arms around herself uncertainly, and it was so far from the fiery Lauren he expected that he nearly reached out to her before remembering his own involvement in her turmoil. He swallowed thickly, guilt souring in his stomach.

When she showed no sign of moving, Kieran stepped past her and moved to the kitchen. “Coffee?” he asked steadily.

Lauren finally rose her golden eyes to his. “What was he like?” she asked in a hushed tone.

Kieran’s hands drew back from where they had been reaching toward the coffee pot. He leaned back against the counter, looking across the room at her. “Kind,” he said after a moment. “He was kind. Too kind.”

“What do you mean?”

“Feelings get you killed,” Kieran said softly. “They weren’t able to turn him into the monster they wanted.” Into a monster like me, were the unspoken words Lauren knew Kieran was thinking. “He would fight back when forced to spar with the others, but only barely enough to stay alive. He told me once that he would rather die than be what they wanted.”

Lauren heard the truth in his words, searching for any gap he could be exploiting. “How did…” she trailed off. “How was he treated, what did he have to do?”

Kieran shook his head slightly, saying, “Lauren, you don’t want the answers to these questions. He was treated the same way we all were.”

Lauren took a few rapid steps forward and braced her hands on the back of a kitchen chair. “I need to know. What did they do to him, to all of you?” 

Kieran shook his head again, more strongly this time. “Lauren, don’t do this.” He started to walk back around the dining table.

“Kieran, please, just tell me, I have to- I need to-“ she started to plead but was interrupted.

“We were tortured, Lauren!” Kieran nearly shouted, fists clenching by his sides. “We were kept in a cell, chained to a chair, fed when they felt like it, beaten even when they didn’t, and trained to fight every other moment in between. You do not need to hear this. I wish you had never heard the name Phantom Scythe. I wish,” he paused, gathering a calming breath, “I wish you never had any reason to have this conversation or to have met me. If I can do anything to spare you from one ounce of pain please tell me and I will do it. But do not ask this of me.”

Lauren looked up and was struck by the despair in his piercing blue eyes as he looked at her intently. Her tired heart felt wrenched into pieces, shredded by two of the people she loved most. She stepped back once, a rising realization dawning in her mind. How? After everything, knowing the very worst of him, knowing that he was responsible for her most unimaginable pain, she still couldn’t turn away. She hated herself for the wretchedness of her own fickle heart. She hated herself for not hating this man who had taken nearly everything from her without even knowing it.

They stood facing each other, eyes locked, knuckles white.

Lauren’s resolve broke first, and she turned and fled out the door of the apartment.

Kieran sat heavily at the table for a moment, head in his hands. Then he rose slowly and sat back down in his study, pencil coming down gently to continue the sketch of a smiling boy with silver eyes.

Chapter 4

Notes:

I just couldn’t leave it quite so hopelessly. Quick little epilogue snippet.

Lauren stood at the foot of Dylan’s grave. She knew he wasn’t really there, but it was the only place she could go to feel closer to him. 

“I’m sorry, Dylan. I couldn’t save you.” She stared down at the stone marker, no more tears left to be shed “I never could. You weren’t mine to save, and I have to- I have to let you go.” She stumbled over the words, trying desperately to defend her own heart. 

She felt rather than saw him come to stand next to her, facing the chilled breeze.

“Kym told me you might be here,” Kieran said quietly. It had been a few weeks since their last conversation about anything not directly Lune-related.

“I know there’s nothing I can say. But I’m sorry all the same. This is why I want out so badly,” Kieran went on softly.

Lauren continued to look down at the grave, the tip of her nose red from the frosty air. Slowly, she drew her hands out of her coat pockets. She tentatively pressed her hand into Kieran’s without looking at him.

“I know,” she finally said. And she did know. She knew Kieran’s real character by now. He had done terrible, horrifying things. But she knew that at his core that was not who he was. It didn’t make his actions acceptable, but she did understand. Her heart was grieved in too many ways to lose this part of herself as well, this part of her that had been so inexorably tied to him over the last year.

Kieran watched her cautiously, unwilling to offer anything else that might break this tenuous truce.

Lauren took a deep, steadying breath, then finally turned her eyes to meet Kieran’s. “Ready to go?” she asked. He gave her a small smile and nodded.

As she turned to walk away, she noticed Kieran crouch down out of the corner of her eye before joining her. Glancing back, she saw a small purple hyacinth left behind on the cold stone.

Notes:

Y’all know I just make them suffer as a way to drag out more lauki fluff. I’m here for one purpose alone 😏

Notes:

Thanks for reading. :)