Chapter Text
Hange didn’t want to come to this place again. She believed the surgery would be the last occasion she is going to step inside this hospital or see Dr. Yeager. Moreover, she has never expected Levi Ackerman, her childhood friend, the clean-freak and the source of all the mess in her life, to sit next to her.
' Why the hell is he taking so long? How many fucking hours have we been here?' In reality, it hasn't been more than 20 minutes since they arrived at the hospital. For the first time, the accurate sense of time Levi has possessed proved to be wrong.
' He is one of the most reputable doctors in his field. It is usual for him to have a lot of patients' this time it is her who rationalizes in a calm, detached voice
Levi eyes her, scrutinizing her face
' What is happening, Hange' oh, he refers to her 'Hange' only when she makes a grave mistake of annoying the shit out of him. But now, the use of a first name emphasizes how serious he is.
' Oh it is nothing to worry about. Seems like I am puking flowers, that’s it' Hange hasn't intended to sound so cold and sarcastic. But she lost her ability to portray emotions and warmth through words.
Sometimes we lose something we value the most.
' Will I see a bathroom full of shitty flowers if I go to your apartment?'
You will see withering petals, a trash bin filled with bloodied napkins, maybe if you are lucky, you will find the ripped pages of my diary.
' Ms. Zoe, the doctor awaits you' a pretty young girl with long raven hair, big sparkly eyes and a gentle smile on her lips.
She stands up and strides towards the door when her hand brushes upon something smooth and warm
Levi's arm
' Wait for me here. I will be quick'
' You insane? I need to know what is happening to you'
With that he enters the room first leaving a shocked woman behind.
Damn
She will be doomed if Dr. Yeager will, and she is certain he indeed will, mention the surgery.
What if he finds out?
' Move your ass'
Zeke only raises his eyebrow,amused by this man's choice of words. And then as he is greeted by the bespectacled brunette, the amusement turns into a shock.
' Ms Zoe, hello' he clears his throat ' It is quite unexpected to see you here so soon. Are there any problems? I thinks by this time the stitches must have been removed'
' What stitches?' the grey orbs move from his best friend to the doctor in front of him
Zeke keeps his mouth shut. He just keeps staring at them, mostly at Hange, waiting for her reply.
Well, he is indeed as smart as they describe him
' I had a few minor injuries and Dr. Jeager was so kind to help me out'
Levi doesn't swallow it
' You know I can tell you when you are liening. So stop that' with that he turns to the blonde man hoping he will share more intel ' What happened to this shitty woman that led her to vomiting flowers?'
Zeke doesn't answer for several seconds, the expression unreadable and strange. As if he is sizing both individuals up
Then he speaks up ' My apologies but the condition of Ms. Zoe is confidential and I, as her doctor do not have an authority to discuss it with strangers'
Definitely smart
' I am no stranger to Hange' Levi growls
' Then who are you, Mr…'
' Ackerman. Levi Ackerman, a best friend of your patient. Now, let's cut the crap and move to the main point: what the hell is this?'
He takes a piece of white clothes with barely visible red stains. Petals
' Flowers have never been my forte but I assume these are peonies' Zeke kept a serious face and firm voice while mocking Levi.
' I am not blind. I do not need glasses to understand that these are flowers. But why the heck do they come out of Hange's mouth?' Zeke looks at the brunette
So now there is no place to back up. Hange meekly nods looking at her hands, mentally preparing herself for what to come
' Your friend's disease is hanahaki. Have you ever heard of it?
' No'
Zeke looks at Hange again. Should he proceed with explanation or will she take over?
Hange turns her gaze to another direction, a silent confirmation to go on
' When a person suffers from unrequited love, they develop this condition. Flowers start growing in their bodies, slowly at the beginning but as the emotions intensifies flowers get bigger and bigger until it pierces the heart or completely covers the brain. The implication, I think, is understandable'
Levi scrutinizes Hange not uttering a single sound until he breaks into a madness
' Is that true, Hange? You fell in love with some asshole who doesn't love you back and now you are turning into a living bouquet?!'
Oh, so much anger. And the next part is yet to come
' Ms. Hange underwent a surgery that removed her emotions entirely. She can't feel anything except for the physical pain which means there mustn't be any remnants of the illness ' he points to the petals ' However this is not the case, as I see'
The nonchalant voice of Zeke contrasted greatly with a shocked expression of Levi
' You did what? Removed all emotions? Are you insane, Hange?!'
Hange still keeps silence
' Do you even understand what that means, you four eyes?! Do you even realize how much you fucked up your life?!'
I wish you knew the reason of all this is you
' Mr. Ackerman, sit down. You are in the hospital, you need to keep quiet' Zeke's presence itself is a strong assertive power, as if he owns every single inch of this place. It forces Levi to comply ' The real this to discuss is not what Ms.Zoe did but why it didn't work'
' Simple. You made a mistake' what a direct, brass statement. Well, it is not surprising, especially when said by Levi
' I did not. The surgery doesn't leave any place for errors. Had I done, Ms. Zoe would probably behave in a different, way more instictal way' he elaborates
' What does it mean?'
She would simply lose consciousness. She would become just an animal'
Three of them silently digest the information. Hange knew what dangers she was facing but now after the failure, she is not sure if she wants to repeat it.
' What shall we do now?'
Interesting choice of pronouns. Not she , not Hange , but we . She and he, Levi and Hange
' For now, Ms. Zoe must undergo further examinations. It is extremely rare for patients to have such symptoms after the surgery. So I don't have the capacity to make predictions without checking everything'
' Then it is settled. She will stay as long as it takes'
Hange didn't expect him to act so authoritatively. Making decisions in regards to her life, judging her choices, acting as if he cares. But that's a lie.
Why would he care?
' Before you leave, I want a word with Ms. Zoe. In private'
Levi doesn't like what he hears.
' You can speak now' Don't mess with me
' Mr.Ackerman, you better go to the registration and take the necessary documents. You will need it during the examination'
Levi may not be as observant and eloquent in social interaction but he well understood that whatever is going to be discussed now , he is unwelcome to participate. So he didn't press it too much
' I will be in the car, come as soon as you are done'
Levi curtly nodded to Zeke, a gesture which meant goodbye.
As the door clicked behind Hange, indicating the total privacy, Zeke spoke up
' I haven't expected the illness to repeat. It is as surprising for me as for you'
' Guess science doesn't have answers to all questions' Hange is clearly disappointed. She lost control over her health and her life at this point.
' There are things science hasn't developed enough to understand. Feelings are one of them'
' But it is developed enough to remove them, isn't it? '
Does she regret her decision? The surgery didn't help, she is dying but now to add to her mountain of troubles, her emotions are all messed up: she looks at Levi, peonies inside her wailing and scratching her lungs while her brain doesn't react to him. He became grey.
' The surgery attempted to remove the feelings, to numb the limbic system. However, it doesn't deal with the reason why you have hanahaki in the first place. Medicine can’t erase the thing , or rather a person that makes you suffer. Speaking of whom’ he clears his throat slowly poking into the unknown but dangerous topic ‘ It is him, isn’t it? The short guy?’
Shall I confess? Or shall I pretend he is wrong?
Hange is not naive, she perfectly understands the man in front of her is not only good at interpreting the medical tests but also human’s nature.
‘ It is’ no need to mention that she doesn’t want Levi to find out about it. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have been here in the first place.
‘ It was evident by your interaction. But are you sure he is just a friend?’
Fucking yes , he might be a loving husband, a future dad, responsible worker but for her he is a childhood friend. No matter how much she wanted it to be the other way.
‘ If he weren't, wouldn’t I just confess to him?’
‘No, if you were not aware of his true feelings. You would just assume he doesn’t love you back’
What the hell is he talking about?
‘ Dr. Yeager, with all due respect to your competence, I don’t think our session must include the discussion of my private life’
‘ The private life you are referring to is the exact reason you are here. All I am doing is helping you to get into the source of your illness. Apparently, the surgery doesn’t help you. So you could either lie down and wait for your death or pull yourself together and look for the cure’
The words sting. Hange always considered words as winds, sometimes warm and soft, a spring breeze, sometimes harsh and cold, like a winter blizzard. Yet it was always wind, let it pass and it won’t do you any harm. But now, Zeke has crushed her defense completely. His words hurt her, and the reason is that they are true.
She doesn’t have much choice, as if she had before. She can either die or fight. In expense of someone’s happiness
‘ Levi is happily married and expecting a child. I am not an asshole to ruin his family. Death is a better option’
How easy it is to accept the fate when you did all that you could to change it
‘ Ms.Zoe, tell you what, it is possible to love someone, to be infuriated by someone, to desire someone and it is possible that all three are different people. That’s a terrible thing about being a human, it is very difficult to commit until you meet your soulmate. And even at that time, people blew their chances because of fear, misunderstanding and pride. ‘
He waits for the words to sink in
‘ The way he looks at you and the way he is worried about you, that can’t be just a friendship’
That was enough to let the simmering anger boil
‘ So you are suggesting that he cheat on his wife? You want me to become a lowly mistress just to be alive? Death is better than this’
‘ I do not suggest such drastic actions. What I want to say is do not give up so easily. Who knows everything might work out to your advantage’
She tries to forget this conversation, as if it never happened. Because hope will only hurt her more. She doesn’t want to expect anything from anyone, she knows well people rarely live up to others’ expectations.
I have little time here. Let’s just enjoy the life
As promised, Levi is waiting for her in the car, a hand nervously clenching and unclenching the wheel. The hardest part is only coming. She needs to survive his interrogation, not letting him grow suspicious.
She sits beside him.
‘ Can you drop me to the shop? I need to buy some stuff’
Now that she thinks, she has sold the majority of her belongings, terminated the contract with the landlord and heck, already found a substitute to her position. She did everything to start a new life yet she is being dragged back into the old one again.
‘ Like what? An entire furniture to your empty flat? Or something for your work? Oh, I just forgot that you don’t have work anymore, four-eyes’
So much sarcasm in one go.
‘ Well, it has been a while since I bought something new for my flat. Which, by the way, was so old-fashioned and badly repaired. I needed to move to a better place sooner or later. Besides, my boss has been an asshole so it is actually a good trigger for me to do some job hunting’ Zeke said to pull myself together. Well, that’s what I am doing
‘Tsk’
She feels her heartbeat rise and realizes Levi is increasing the speed. A lot. He is practically putting all his weight on the pedal not even caring about safety.
‘Levi, slow down, you are too fast’ It has a totally opposite effect on him, urging him to speed up even more. At this point, she is not even sure it is possible to go that fast
‘ Who is he, Hange?’ The question pops out of the blue, but Hange understands what he means.
‘ Levi, slow the hell down! You will kill us!’
‘ Everyone is going to die, so why don’t today’
‘You are fucking crazy’ she shouts as high as she can
And he stops the car so suddenly, applying so much force on the brakes, forcing Hange to bump her forehead on the hard surface of the car.
‘I am crazy?’ Hange thinks the beautiful shade of gray reminds her of a storm rather than calming rain. ‘ It is you who is crazy. And you are making our life hell with your shitty brain. Why the hell do you need to be so stubborn? Can’t you just say you need help? Can’t you just come to me and say what is wrong’ he yells, face red, veins popping up on his neck and temples. He doesn’t even pay attention to her clutching her bruise, tears forming in the corner of her eyes.
‘ It is your fault you are dying’ oh he shouldn’t have said it ‘ Your fucking stubborness led you here, and even now you can’t ask for. A. Fucking. Help’ He punches the wheel, frustrated and angry.
She can’t say a word. She wants to scream too. She has so many things to tell him
I loved you so hard my love is killing me now
I was dying in pain seeing you vow in eternal love to another woman
I am here because of you
At this point, not even the pain in her forehead bothers her. She wants to run away from him, from everyone, find a peaceful place and forget the sufferings.
‘ Why don’t you fucking understand crying won’t help you at all’ he suddenly shakes her shoulders so hard she is afraid he might do a real harm.
‘Levi, stop, it hurts’ she whimpers, puffy eyes looking at him, pleading to stop.
‘ It hurts me too. It hurts to see you die. To see you surrender and do nothing about it’ he shouts at her ‘ It hurts to see you so weak’
Oh, after all she went through, after all the pain she silently swallowed now she became a weak one?
‘ Then don’t watch it’
The rest of the drive has gone in ominous silence. Levi keeps driving, hands a bit shaky, cheeks read with barely visible trails of wetness. He is not sure if he is driving in the correct direction. He doesn’t know where he is driving, completely ignoring the annoying beeps of his GPS.
The only thing he can think of is Hange’s eyes, beautiful, kind, deep shade of hazel with golden blinks across her pupils, glistening with tears. He remembers how much pain they reflected
‘ I love you, Levi’
She closes her eyes, cheeks puffed, red. She is unable to look at him as the words left her mouth, lifting a huge weight of her shoulders.
‘I have always loved you’
She whispers, reaching for the door, eyes gliding over his face in a final goodbye.
He remembers the numbness in his arms, as if he was dead, when she detached his hands, opened the door and disappeared into the golden rays of the sunsets.