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Airport noises weren’t that loud before. That was what Yuta remembers when he first moved to Korea. The lady’s voice announcing through the speakers weren’t that high pitched and the footsteps around weren’t that annoying. He doesn’t know how he hears the crunching of biscuits from the little kid’s mouth, or the constant foot tapping of the old man in front of him. Yuta closed his eyes, focusing on feeling warm through the coat he wore tonight. It’s almost 9PM and his flight back to his hometown is at 10. He can’t remember when the time became so slow. The music playing through his earphones felt like it already repeated a hundred times – he seemed to be stuck on a time loop. If this is hell, he wouldn’t even wonder.
Another airplane took off and he forgot to count the songs playing. Yuta sighs, a little kid is looking up at him and he smiles a little bit. He can’t remember how he ended up here… or rather he doesn’t want to remember.
—
Train station. That’s when he first met him – Sicheng.
Sicheng didn’t know how to speak Korean before. He only knows hi and hello and some directions but he wasn’t fluent at all. Sometimes, he wonders what the hell made him think that moving to Seoul was a good thing. But he’s already living here for half a year and he knows many words already. He just doesn’t know why he looked like an idiot that day on the station as if he doesn’t know how to read and speak Korean. He was standing right before the yellow line and Yuta was going home from a soccer practice with some friends. They caught each other’s eyes and a friend of Yuta nudged him for noticing. Sicheng didn’t stop staring and neither did Yuta. It was a short 5 seconds but it felt like an hour. “Dude, stop staring!” The tallest friend of Yuta said.
“Sorry,” Yuta cleared his throat and looked away.
When the train came, he looked where Sicheng was standing and the younger one was still there. He looked like he was waiting for someone, or something, or anything. He didn’t move, and Yuta watched him fade from the windows of the moving train. Sicheng watched the train fade right before his eyes. “That was weird,” Yuta whispered to himself.
Maybe. Maybe it was.
—
Sicheng is a good student. A good son, maybe too good that he starts obeying everyone that goes near him. It was suffocating but he was a people pleaser. He didn’t know why but he knew he was. Sicheng just wanted to be a good person to everyone’s eyes and for them to know him as the son that doesn’t disobey his family. It doesn’t feel good but it’s better than being talked bad behind his back all the time.
Business wasn’t his choice. It was chosen for him, given, before he even first breathed on the surface of the earth. It wasn’t even destiny. It felt like a responsibility. If only he could say no, he would. But he had no other choice because he had to please everybody else to get the bare minimum of what he wanted – freedom.
“I’m sorry I need to go home early today,” Sicheng smiles as he starts to clean his desk.
Jaehyun smiles dearly at him, “Always a good son. You can loosen up sometimes too, you know?”.He said but Sicheng can only laugh.
“I would but not now, I guess. It’s almost midterms already, too, I don’t have much time like you and your friends do.” He said, pursing his lips and Jaehyun knew he couldn't change Sicheng’s mind so he let him take his bag and arrange his chair. Jaehyun watched him walk away. Sometimes, even him feels so bad that Sicheng can’t do anything but to go to school and back home. It’s like a cycle now. Jaehyun already got used to it.
Sicheng stopped by a flower shop, buying a bouquet of chrysanthemums. He held the bouquet as he walked down the hill from school to the busy part of the city. The tall buildings never really amazed him because he already saw many of those back in China but everytime he walks here, he still looks up and watches the skies reflect on the glass windows of the tallest hotels in the city. The dusty air touches his skin and he scrunches his nose whenever a car drives near him. Sicheng sat in a park he knew until the sun had already set. He’s still holding the flowers as he stood up, entering the subway station and once again, just standing behind the yellow line. It was like a routine, or a habit, and most people looked at him like he was some weird old guy but he didn't care. Sicheng just stands there. Then, he hears a familiar laugh from the left stairs of the station.
“Yuta, look!”
“Mr. Station again!”
Yuta looked at him and playfully pushed his friends. He knows Sicheng heard it. Sicheng surely looked at them. “Shut up, guys.” He said, gritting his teeth.
“Oh, he even brought flowers for you, dude!” Another one said, laughing.
“I said shut up, Mark.” Yuta hisses and this time, his friends finally stopped.
He glanced at Sicheng and smiled apologetically. Sicheng nods his head. The train came again and Sicheng stayed on the same spot, letting himself miss the only train that stops near his home. Yuta once again just watched him fade through the blinding lights of the tunnel. When he turns back to his friends, Mark shakes his head. “He’s some weird dude,” He told him.
“Yeah,” Yuta agrees… “But he’s pretty.” He smiles.
—
Yuta found himself ditching his friends in a few days and started to wait for Sicheng to show up at the same spot for days and days and weeks until the younger one already noticed. No one said anything, though. They don’t know each other’s name, or what school they go to. It was awkward to suddenly come up and talk to them as if they knew each other. The only time they really smiled at each other was when Mark was teasing Yuta about him and that was weeks ago. All they knew was they have the same train home – only that Sicheng doesn’t really ride it everyday, and Yuta wanted to know why. Why would he just stand there and walk home as if he really did miss it?
There are days when Yuta would see Sicheng scrolling through his phone. Sometimes, he’s fully covered with sweaters and sometimes, he’s holding 3 empty cups of coffee. (It was really worrisome because it looked like Sicheng finished it all alone) That was when Yuta knew there was something going on with this boy. Whenever they would see each other at the station, they would be staring at each other for minutes until the train arrived...
That was how they seemed to fall for each other.
But is a person capable of falling in love just by watching a stranger?
“That’s so dumb,” Jaehyun said while laughing loudly.
The blinking red lights make Yuta dizzy but he doesn’t say anything. It is already too loud to even speak and besides, no one would understand each other unless they shout what they want to say. Jaehyun takes the mic from Mark’s hands and starts scrolling through the songbook. They’re at some small karaoke bar after school. They should be studying for the midterms but instead, they’re here and partying as if they don’t need to memorize formulas at all. Jaehyun puts down the songbook—
“So you’re telling me, you like a boy you see on a subway station every now and then?” Jaehyun asked, wanting to know what’s going on inside Yuta’s head.
Mark choked on his pizza, “Woah, Yuta, you like Mr. Station?” He asked, too.
Yuta smiles softly, “I mean, I already told you he’s pretty. He seems nice, and… quiet.”
“I know someone like that,” Jaehyun shrugs, pressing the buttons of the remote for the song he chose. It’s a Bruno Mars song and Yuta rolled his eyes because Mark joined the latter.
The song started immediately and Yuta sat back on the chair. Mark is still eating pizza, passing it to the singing Jaehyun. If Yuta would learn that Jaehyun is also Sicheng’s friend, what would happen at that moment? Yuta looked up and wondered who the boy was talking about when he said he knew someone like that. He wondered if they knew the same boy or was it just some other random dude in Seoul, too. Whatever the answer was, Yuta didn’t know. He didn’t ask.
—
Sicheng is listening to some podcasts he found online. Hands inside his pockets, eyes on the road as he found himself walking back to the subway station again. He’s not late for the last train but like the other days, he would just stand there and wait for the guards to finally clean up the grounds and start to walk home. The man from the podcast is talking about a murder that happened long time ago but it sounded muffled because of the loud rails of the station. Sicheng’s eyes are on the rails, watching them vibrate that it seems like the vibrations are sent to his chest, too. Someone stopped beside him and for the first time, he looked around other than the rails— Yuta was standing beside him.
Out of instinct, Sicheng removed one earbud and Yuta spoke.
“You missed the last one again,” He looked at him and smiled.
His smile is so angelic, almost contagious and Sicheng could only stare for a while.
Yuta pursues his lips from getting no answer from the latter, then he turns around to walk out before the station gets locked up. Sicheng blinks, one, two, three—
“You also missed it.” Sicheng finally spoke.
Yuta turned back, “Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
There was a complete silence between them. Just the footsteps of the approaching guard telling them to get out of the place and the fading sound of the rails from the far-away train. Sicheng can’t hear the podcast he was listening to anymore. He couldn't understand what the speaker was saying or was he still on the same channel as earlier but right now, it doesn’t feel like it was the important part. It doesn’t feel like anything else mattered, to be honest. Yuta could swear to the stars that he can feel both of their chest heaving and their hearts beating and the cold sweats that were rolling down their necks that weren't there before. Sicheng finally smiles and it was the first time Yuta had seen such an angel.
“Nakamoto Yuta.”
Sicheng nods his head, “Dong Sicheng.”
The night was getting deeper and they had to get out of the station soon. As they walked out of the place, the tall buildings didn't reflect the clouds from the skies anymore rather it was reflecting the pitch black darkness the skies were showing. The stars were too faint to see from the windows. Sicheng just stares and doesn't look like he was amazed by it. Yuta is lying if he says he understands why the younger one was just staring at a building that was always there because he was also confused. But the way Sicheng was staring was a little comforting in its own way that Yuta can’t explain. Yuta let them both stand outside the subway quietly, standing side by side. Sicheng sighed deeply and started to walk, “Are you going home?” Yuta asked.
“Maybe.”
—
“You’re going to see the Dong Sicheng?” Jaehyun asks, obviously out of words from what he just heard.
Yuta isn’t a person full of secrets. If he has a chance to say something in his mind, he would. He’s too straightforward especially towards his friends and today, he just told Jaehyun that he’s going to meet Sicheng. He wasn’t sure why Jaehyun reacted the way he did but it looked like a bad idea from the way the younger one was laughing.
Scratching his head, Yuta asked. “Why?”
“Is this Sicheng a little tall and has pretty eyes? Dark haired, quiet and looked like he’s a lost kid all the time?” Jaehyun asks and Yuta squints his eyes from how he described the boy. The younger one didn’t even need an answer and he started shaking his head in disapproval.
“What??” Yuta asks again.
“Good luck, I guess. I mean… Sicheng is a complicated guy.”
Yuta should’ve listened. He should’ve known things would turn out bad at one point but still he went to see Sicheng that day. With a pretty smile on his face, he waited for Sicheng to show up at the same station for an hour. The younger one didn’t really know there would be a ‘date’ today that is why he showed up a little ‘late’, and the moment he showed up, Yuta’s smile faded. His excitement was replaced by worry and he could only run to the stranger he met weeks ago. Sicheng showed up with a bruise on his shoulders, forgetting to cover it up with a sweater since he already wore all his sweaters to hide. Now he faced the Japanese boy with a surprised face.
“Sicheng-”
“N-no! No, no, it’s not what it looks like,” Sicheng quickly denies whatever Yuta has on his mind but it was already so obvious so why hide? But it looks so personal and to be honest, they don’t know each other that well either. There are only bits of information… too little that it felt like it wasn’t there.
Yuta sighs, “I won’t ask anything about it,” He assured him and he felt Sicheng soften from his grip. Yuta can’t help but to melt as well. “But I just want to know, are you okay?” He asked instead.
Sicheng nods and Yuta nods back. He whispered alright and caressed the obvious bruise a little. It made Sicheng breathe as if he was stiff the whole day. That little smile and action made him feel a little safer than the sweaters he wears. For a moment, he wanted to tell Yuta what happened but he still considered the fact that they are still strangers. Strangers that met on the station, strangers that turned into friends—strangers that cared a little too much for each other.
And that – that was so much more comforting than it sounds like for him.
—
They started texting each other. When they wake up, before they sleep, while eating lunch or walking to school. They’ve been busy learning things from each other. He learned that Sicheng likes Chrysanthemums and he likes walking home rather than taking the train. Yuta also learned that Sicheng’s father had been beating him whenever he comes home late but still he does it because he doesn’t want to go home. He’s restricted to do things, molded into something that he wasn’t in the first place. People were expecting him to be the next heir before he was even made and it was the most suffocating thing Yuta has ever heard. He’s not allowed to do things on his own and he should be listening to his father all the time—when Yuta knew his story, all he felt was he wanted Sicheng to be safe. To be away from everything else… but he wasn’t enough to be the escape that Sicheng prayed for.
On the other hand, Sicheng learned that Yuta is a go with the flow type of person. He does whatever he wants or he does whatever his friends want. He laughs a lot, smiles a lot, and believes that whatever comes around is something the destiny wants. Yuta is someone Sicheng wanted to be. He knows what he wants in life and is on the way to reach it. He has the freedom and he can follow his dreams without anyone else stopping him. Sicheng was a little envious of him about it. He was able to do things while Sicheng was stuck in the loop of a controlling household.
“You know what, let’s drink.” Yuta proposed. They aced the exams and both of them had never been so proud of themselves ever.
“I’m not allowed-”
“Well, fuck the things you can’t do!” Yuta laughed and pointed at a convenience store at the corner of the street. The bright 24/7 neon lights are shining through the dark, a part-timer is mopping the floor and Sicheng doubts what he was about to do. “Well?”
“Just one beer, alright?” And Yuta shouts in victory.
That night, instead of one beer, they ended up with 12 bottles outside the store. Yuta’s face is already red and he’s already smiling to himself. Sicheng is the same, except that his phone is ringing nonstop without him knowing. If he would realize it, he would be back to his senses immediately. But as he looks at Yuta, smiling prettily in front of him, Sicheng can’t help but to forget everything else. What matters tonight is him, and Yuta, and the beer, and the cold ramyeon in front of them. Everything else is darkness, and they are in their own box right now. Yuta is laughing at a joke Sicheng didn’t hear, and Sicheng can feel his heartbeat in excitement and beer.
Everything else stopped.
“Yuta, I think I like you.”
—
Yuta knows. He knows that Sicheng had been enduring things on his own and that he wouldn’t tell to anybody about the things that is happening inside his home—even to him, as the closest person Sicheng will ever have, Yuta wasn’t allowed to know things that is happening to him unless he tells it. Yuta respects it… but sometimes it worries him that there might be a worse situation than those he already saw and since Sicheng drunk confessed that night it feels like Yuta has a responsibility to protect him because he would never really admit it to himself just yet, but he feels it. His heart flutters for Dong Sicheng.
Now both of them have been seeing each other more and more and more until all they ever think about is them and the things they want to do. They were like teenagers in love. Like couples starring in popular romantic movies, they start to be more open, laugh often and have a little freedom for themselves. But still, no one else knows… they’re in love but no one else has to know their little story.
“Do you sing?” Sicheng asks.
Both of them are sitting inside the music room. Yuta holds the guitar, puts it on his lap and smiles at the younger, “Mhm. Kinda, I sing but I’m not that good.” He said.
“I always wanted to write a song,” Sicheng said.
“Well, should we?” Yuta asks, eyes sparkling a little.
“I’m not good with words.”
Yuta nods, standing up and finding a piece of paper and a pen. Sicheng watches him and though the younger one was a little confused, he watched him come back with a proud smile on his face that made Sicheng giggle, “Let’s write a song.” He proposed.
Yuta starts strumming the guitar.
“Together?”
“Yeah, together.”
—
It was almost the start of forever. Them, sneaking out every now and then, tell stories no one ever heard from them and run from the responsibilities the world wanted to lock them in. Yuta and Sicheng felt free with each other, and together they are alive. As much as Yuta worried that he might not be enough, Sicheng felt that he was everything he had ever wished for and slowly, right there, on that same station where they first met, they stared at each other. And they felt like they were falling in love.
“I needed someone who could help me.” Sicheng whispers.
They are both lying on one of their neighbor’s flat roofs. Fortunately, the roofs weren’t loud when they climbed onto it. Sicheng is watching the stars while Yuta is supporting both their heads, watching Sicheng watch the stars. He thinks that the younger one is really pretty but he just doesn’t tell it right now. It felt like it didn’t matter anyways. They have their heartbeats to tell that they are cherishing each second of this moment. Yuta wishes that they can stay at this moment for a little longer, just a little bit longer.
“What do you mean?”
“I needed someone that could hold my hands whenever I feel lost, like that, I guess.” Sicheng rolls to his side to look at the older one and Yuta brushes his hands on the latter’s hair, “Yeah, and it’s cheesy, I know, but I felt it after seeing you.” He smiles.
Yuta planted a soft kiss on Sicheng’s forehead, “I’m glad I made you feel that way.” He said.
“I’m glad that I met you,” Sicheng whispers into his ears.
When they looked at the skies, both at the same time, the stars were so visible that they almost looked like they were there to tell the universe that Yuta and Sicheng were soulmates. The moon shines its brightest and the cold breeze didn’t feel so freezing at all. It was warm… so warm that they could fall asleep on that roof at that time but of course they wouldn't. It’s just a thought. Yuta wanted to cuddle Sicheng to sleep and wake up the next day with their hands wrapped on each other.
Yuta… He wanted to stay.
—
Now going back to where the story started, Yuta hears his flight from the lady in the speaker. Announcing his flight back to Japan, Yuta stands up from his seat and walks to where the other passengers go. He looked back once again, hoping someone would run to him like all those old movies were and hug him tight, begging him to never leave the country. Yuta wanted to stay. He begged the deities that he wanted to stay. But after confessing his love for Sicheng in front of the younger one’s parents, everything started to fall down. Their promises were stuck as words, and the little kisses and moments they shared were locked on a box away from them both. Yuta didn’t want to leave. He would do anything to stay but it was hard to fight for someone that wasn’t ready to fight for you.
As he walks away, Yuta realized there wouldn’t be a Sicheng that would stop him. It felt like he was back to that night outside Sicheng’s house. The younger one’s father is watching them from the living room while Yuta didn’t already know what to do.
He held his hands, “You told me you needed me,” Yuta started to crumble.
“I do… Yuta, I do!” Sicheng said, “But I can’t… this life was already given to me. I can’t… I can’t escape it.” His father shakes his head and turns around, fading from the big curtains of the glass window. Sicheng held tighter.
“I want to stay with you…”
“I know, I know… Me too. I do, too.” Sicheng said, “I thought we already knew that this was bound to happen. I can’t fight for you, or for us. Hell, I can’t even fight for myself! All I can do is to say yes to everything they say. I’m not gonna let you get hurt by them as well. I’m enough, I can handle everything here, I’m used to it—”
“DONG SICHENG!”
Sicheng froze. He had never heard Yuta shout his name like that before. It sounded desperate and hurt and mad and in so much pain that even the housemaid turned at them. Yuta is shaking, his eyes don't stop from crying and he can only hold the latter’s hands. He doesn’t want to let go, “Sicheng… Sicheng, I love you.” Yuta said, softer this time.
Sicheng felt like melting. He smiled and hugged Yuta, sealing their memories with a kiss that they knew they would cherish for as long as it takes. Yuta closes his eyes, holding Sicheng’s neck to never break the seal but soon, Sicheng was the one to pull away. Yuta looked at him, eyes full of unsaid and mixed emotions they would never know. The older one wiped Sicheng’s tears that he didn’t know were there. Sicheng closed the gaps between their foreheads, looking straight into each other’s eyes and it started to rain.
As the rain soaked them both, Sicheng finally let out a bitter chuckle.
“I love you, too.” He said, “But please, let me go.”
…
“Welcome to Japan Airlines! Please settle on your seats as we check safety measures around. Have a safe flight, our dear passengers!”
Yuta looked at his hands and a paper ring Sicheng made for him on their 5th month is still there. He took care of it more than he took care of himself when Sicheng moved school. He looked out the small window and all he could see was the big airport that covered the city he and Sicheng spent nights in. A flight attendant checked his seat and the luggage area above his head and he watched her walk away in the isles. He still wishes the door would give him a smiling Sicheng until the pilot speaks, announcing that they will be leaving Korea already.
He rested his head on the window and closed his eyes. Yuta feels the vibrating engenes of the plane and the little kid 4 seats away. He could hear the laughter of a couple 6 seats away and the rustle of chip bags from the guy sitting beside him. He already left…
But Sicheng is still a memory that he will never forget.