Chapter Text
Your name is Karkat Peixes, and you are a romantic disaster.
This is a well-known fact, stated by you, and past you, and probably future you. Yes, Karkat Peixes, the outcast of the fuschias, who got uncomfortable enough about his own body that he sliced his own rumblespheres off, the runt, who likes the land more than the sea and is seen more on the beach than anywhere else, and the so-called “coward,” who is much more set on having a successful romantic life than challenging Her Imperious Condescension to rule Alternia. You are a romantic disaster.
The evidence?
Your quadrants are malfunctioned.
The evidence?
Well, there are many things. The few quadrants you had filled in the past you could never keep, because you decided to cut things off. You couldn’t keep your feelings in just one quadrant, and it confused the fuck out of your partners, and so you broke up with them. Your flush crushes were also so fucking irritating and you kept flipping pitch with them, your kismeses were pitiable every time you fought, the one moirail you ever had, you attempted to middle leaf between him and his kismesis and it freaked him out.
And you just can’t keep it to just one damn species, either, now can you?
Because you’ve fallen for a human. You’ve fallen in pity with a human.
The first thing that made you pity him was his text color.
Lime green.
You don’t know how human blood works, but you do know that your species created his, and therefore it must be similar. And if it is, in fact, similar, which it definitely is, then Dave Harley should have been culled sweeps ago. Because limebloods, you know, are dangerous, unpredictable, and were rumored to have strange powers, like telepathy, and superspeed, that made Her Imperious Condescension order the culling of every single one long before you were ever hatched. Dave Harley, however, is alive, and you see him in the monitor, you watch him, watch his life unfold.
His soft, too soft, easily breakable pink skin, his fragile bones, his thin frame, his pale white hair, his unnaturally bright green eyes. You’ve watched him refuse to eat anything from animals, because despite having an abundance of them to kill and eat, he just can’t seem to bring up the willpower to end a life or take from it to save himself. You can see how his constitution suffers. He gets easily sick from cold weather or particularly rainy days. You’ve seen him huddled in his room, a laptop open as he chats with the only three friends he has in the whole world, miles and miles away, and you can see he’s so, so lonely.
He’s…
So… pitiful.
And it makes your heart hurt.
And yet, of course, because you’re Karkat Peixes, you can’t just fucking leave it at that, now can you?
From the times you’ve messaged him, you’ve listened to him ramble on and on about the most trivial of matters when you’re trying to help him win the game, because as much as you hate the humans for fucking up your own session right before you were about to succeed, you can’t bear to watch him fail. And you are filled with hate. You watch message after message of bright green text, absolute nonsense appearing on your screen in streams of lime, and you feel like reaching through the screen and choking Dave so he can’t say (type) this utter bullshittery anymore.
When you first talked to him, at least on your end, that bitch had immediately started to flirt with you! You had barely been able to get a single message declaring that you are his god before he started talking and talking and talking, and whatever random topic he had started to talk about, it had quickly turned to you, he had started talking about you, to you, and his words made your heart flutter because it was such blatant affection! And you had thought you would be able to keep your feelings to pity and pity alone, but no! No!
Because when you finally had room to respond, Dave Harley decided to be the absolute pain in your ass that he is, and made fun of you! And all of that pity was filled with hate. How dare he insult an heiress like this? You should find a way to travel to his session right now so you can knock some sense into him!
And you started to contemplate how, and immediately realized that this hate wasn’t just platonic, because your options that swirled in your mind consisted of shouting, fighting, and-- uhhh, other things.
To put it clearly, for those who had no patience to run through your inner monologue: you pity Dave Harley with every inch of your being, but you also hate him with every inch of your being, and instead of being a coward, you’re just going to tell him. Oh, not because you want to, no.
It’s because Terezi fucking Maryam told you to get your shit together, and she has a chainsaw, and you may be at the top of the hemospectrum but you still don’t want to go up against an angry jadeblood with a chainsaw if you decide not to take her advice.
Also you care a lot about Terezi and feel guilty if you say no to her. And she probably knows that.
She definitely knows that.
You stare at your husktop screen, reluctant to click on Dave’s trollian handle. Terezi stands behind you, tapping her foot impatiently. Your fingers hover over the keys for a moment and you swallow nervously.
You start to type.
---cullingGenealogist [CG] began trolling PAST troglodyticGlobetrotter [PTG] [2086 hours ago]---
CG: DEAR DAVE )(ARLEY.
CG: YOU ARE A PAT)(ETIC PIECE OF S)(IT W)(O CAN BARELY TAKE CARE OF )(IMSELF.
CG: YOU )(AVE A )(ARD TIME WIT)( T)(E SIMPLEST OF TASKS.
CG: LIKE EATING A )(EALT)(Y DIET.
CG: W)(IC)( YOU APPARENTLY DO BY C)(OICE.
CG: FOR… SOME REASON.
CG: AND I WOULD LIKE TO SAY…
CG: U)(.
CG: T)(IS WAS REALLY BADLY PLANNED I )(AVE NO SCRIPT )(ERE.
CG: I WOULD LIKE TO SAY T)(AT I PITY YOU GREATLY. YOU ARE AN IDIOTIC PIECE OF S)(IT AND I PITY YOU WIT)( ALL OF MY PAT)(ETICALLY S)(ORT SEADWELLER BEING.
CG: AND I ALSO )(ATE YOU.
CG: AND SOMETIMES WANT TO SMAS)( YOUR STUPIDLY FRAGILE LOOKING FACE INTO T)(E DIRT, BECAUSE YOU FUCKING DESERVE IT.
CG: T)(AT IS ALL.
PTG: man who the fuck are you
...The fuck.
You hear Terezi snickering over your shoulder. Aradia, your fellow seadweller who you know is going to be on your side, approaches and reads over your shoulder as you stare dumbfounded at the screen.
She’s…
Also laughing at you.
”What the fuck?!” you shriek, super loud, and click out of the chat window momentarily to view when the actual hell you’re trolling Dave because you didn’t actually check the message that said you started pestering him because why would you actually check that?
This is… you’re… trolling him… for the first time on his end… he doesn’t know who you are yet. This is too far back. Almost three months back, in fact.
Oh, fuck.
...The two girls are still laughing at you. You loudly threaten to beat them both with a very heavy rock even though you won’t because with your highblood strength and them being lower than you, you could really hurt them if you did that. Terezi manages to quiet down, and urges you to keep messaging Dave despite this mistake on your end. Aradia keeps laughing. You make a note to slap her later. Because hitting her with a very heavy rock might break a bone or two (though it wouldn’t kill her, she’s only one shade below you).
CG: O)(.
CG: I )(AVE MADE A REALLY FUCKING DUMB MISCALCUATION.
PTG: how can you have made a miscalculation if you dont even know who i am
PTG: how did you get my chumhandle
PTG: i mean not that im not happy to talk to people its fucking quiet where i live and it sucks
PTG: but id rather not talk to people who message me some weird ‘love’ letter that makes me think im about to get murdered and/or fucked in the woods
PTG: i mean if im going to get murdered/fucked anywhere itd be in the goddamn woods thats all there is for as far as the eye can see or at least my eyes with my admittedly shitty vision like im fucking blind without these sicknasty tinted perscriptions man
You feel your bloodpusher pang with pity in your chest. His vision is bad too? You didn’t even… you didn’t even know that.
PTG: or manette or whatever man is a gender neutral term who cares
PTG: anyway my point still stands
PTG: who are you and why are you messaging me also how
PTG: also why do you type like that
CG: EXCUSE YOU )(ARLEY. MY TYPING QUIRK IS PERFECTLY READABLE AND I MADE SURE OF IT SO YOU CAN FUCK OFF AND GO FUCK YOURSELF. )(OW DARE YOU.
PTG: how did you know my name
CG: BECAUSE I KNOW YOU, ASS)(OLE.
CG: I’M FROM T)(E FUCKING FUTURE.
CG: AND IN T)(E FUCKING FUTURE, YOUR ASS IS GOING TO BE MINE BECAUSE YOU ARE INSUFFERABLE AND I )(ATE YOU, YOU’RE SO FUCKING PITIFUL AND I )(ATE YOU FOR IT.
PTG: are you saying youre going to take me out
PTG: follow up question do you mean that as in a kill me way or as in a date me way
PTG: follow follow up question
PTG: how the actual hell are you from the future
CG: I MEAN.
CG: I AM TIME TRAVELING C)(AT WISE )(ERE, DAVE )(ARLEY, AND ON MY END, I )(AVE KNOWN YOU FOR PERIGEES. AND YOU )(AVE BEEN A PAIN IN MY ASS FOR T)(E ENTIRE TIME.
CG: AND I DON’T KNOW W)(AT YOU MEAN BY TAKING OUT.
PTG: you gonna fuck me or fuck me over man thats what i want to know here
CG: U)(.
PTG: you say uh a lot
You don’t know how to answer that question because you kind of mean what you said as both options Dave presented you, and neither, at the same time.
CG: I’M NOT ANSWERING T)(AT QUESTION, DAVE.
PTG: wow first name too
PTG: man how old are you
PTG: please tell me youre not a 40 year old creep in their basement looking up ‘hot island teens’ on google and finding my instagram because i dont really have police around here to report you to
PTG: also if you are that then actually please do tell me because i would really fucking like to know if thats the case
CG: W)(AT?!
CG: NO!
CG: I’M NOT A “40 YEAR OLD CREEP.”
CG: I DON’T KNOW W)(AT T)(AT IS.
CG: AND IF YOU’RE REFERRING TO AGE BY T)(AT NUMBER I WOULD LIKE YOU TO KNOW I’M THE SAME FUCKING AGE AS YOU.
CG: YOU DUMB BULGESUCKING PIECE OF S)(IT.
PTG: okayyyy
PTG: rose is gonna kill me but im gonna say i believe you because theres no way an adult is this immature or at least i think not
CG: IMMATURE?
PTG: yeah
PTG: anyway whats your name weird pink person who types their hs weird
CG:
CG: KARKAT.
CG: KARKAT PEIXES.
CG: AND I’M MALE BY T)(E WAY.
PTG: cool cool uh id just like to say karkat that i am very flattered you want to fuck me in the woods
CG: W)(AT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.
PTG: what do you think
PTG: there is no weird riddle here i mean exactly what i said sir
PTG: uh
PTG: okay youre not responding
PTG: are you even online anymore
PTG: well
PTG: ive got schoolwork to do and a bestie to make fun of for writing wizard porn so
PTG: hope to talk to you later i guess you seem like a fun guy
PTG: …
PTG: bye karkat
---PAST troglodyticGlobetrotter [TG] ceased pestering cullingGenealogist [CG]---
You… you fucked up. Really badly. But… but hey! At least he said he hopes to talk to you later! And you seem fun!
You jump further on in his timeline. Maybe you can… try again. After he already knows you. So, you jump ahead, considerably far.
---cullingGenealogist [CG] began trolling PAST troglodyticGlobetrotter [TG] [13 hours ago]---
CG: DAVE?
CG: ARE YOU T)(ERE?
PTG: KARKAT!
PTG: man i was trying to figure out how to message you first since i dont actually know if i can what with all the time jumping shit you guys do and i was having trouble thank you so much for messaging me first cause we really need to talk
PTG: okay so i know i kind of confessed my love and shit like a few hours ago and you might be pestering me to like
PTG: question why the fuck im
PTG: you know
PTG: into you like that
PTG: but i
CG: W)(AT?!
CG: AM I SOME)(OW MESSAGING A FUTURE YOU? NO T)(AT’S NOT POSSIBLE.
CG: W)(EN T)(E FUCK DID YOU CONFESS YOUR ‘LOVE’ TO ME?
PTG: oh shit
PTG: you havent had that conversation yet on your end fuck
PTG: uhh
PTG: damn i dont know how this time travel shit works i need to ask jade
PTG: or maybe she wont know
PTG: i guess
PTG: john says he has a feeling were all going to meet each other soon
PTG: like my session and yours
PTG: we can
PTG: work shit out then
PTG: without the time travel chatlogs confusing things
PTG: i know this is super shitty of me but
PTG: stop pestering me until then i dont think i can deal with this again
PTG: sorry karkat
---PAST troglodyticGlobetrotter [TG] ceased pestering cullingGenealogist [CG]---
You punch through your husktop monitor.
You hear a roar of outrage. From who you think might be Feferi. Who is definitely Feferi.
Your eyes widen, and you get out of your chair just in time to see Vriska’s head detach from her body. Feferi has her sickles held in front of her, splattered in olive blood as mutant red tears stream down her face. The head of Vriska hits the floor, as does her body, with a wet thump. And all hell breaks loose.
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