The air was cold (But something about it felt like home somehow)

by TheNumberYouHaveCalledIsNotYetInService

Summary:

His Qi-ge taught him how to rely on him only for Yue Qi to ignore what they had and cruelly stab his heart and break him down in the name of being righteous when Shen Qingqiu found himself riddled with accusations. He was mere garbage crumpled up and discarded. He was left in the cold.

In his sleep, Shen Qingqiu submersed himself in the warmth of all his Qi-ge had promised

DISCLAIMER: I do not own SVSS or its characters and I am just here to have fun :)

Shen Jiu and Yue Qi were happy, Shen Jiu was certain of it. He was certain of it because his Qi-ge told him so, and he was taught in his very young age that he could always turn to his Qi-ge for anything. The other street children could bite and tear away the materials that they had been able to sequester for themselves from the unforgiving nobles but they would not be able to steal away the warmth that his Qi-ge brought him in the home that they had made.

No scarves were made available-- not to street rats like them-- but the biting cold on the streets were no match for the cuddles and laughter they shared on the make-shift sheets they called their bed.

(Shen Qingqiu knew they were happy, he was sure of it)

The sweet smiles and wide-eyed innocence that Shen Jiu had managed to scrounge up for his Qi-ge were out of place considering the dark and damp that they survived in, but they thrived together in all the best and worst ways. He looked at the boy who promised him everything and memorized every line on that youthful face.

(Shen Qingqiu could still picture how the leaves fell into place around their slumbering bodies under the fruit vendor’s tree and wondered if the man who was his Qi-ge remembered it the same way.

He thought that he was okay with being the only one clinging to the magic of those memories but as silent sobs wracked his body he found that he was not fine at all)

Shen Jiu cackled as he raced through the familiar dusty streets, and proceeded to throw a tantrum when Yue Qi reprimanded him for stealing another tanghulu from the vendor a scant few minutes later. He would only pretend to sulk a little after when his Qi-ge inevitably turned up with a lone stick of tanghulu that he bought with the coin he spent all afternoon begging for. As the warm and sweet taste spread across his tongue and the soft arms of his Qi-ge spread warmth through his thin frame, he would only close his eyes and feel that this was right.

(Shen Qingqiu knew he was there, he could still feel the cool absence of the lack of whatever they had shared all too well)

Shen Jiu did not know who this person was who stood before him. The screams of countless nameless cannon fodder he used to make fun of for their privilege drowned whatever thoughts he was able to form as he stared wide-eyed at the stranger who wore a familiar face. A chill settled deep in his bones as the Qi-ge who he thought had the answers to everything gave him no explanations to the questions that Shen Jiu screamed at him.

Shen Jiu stared at the pallid face of Yue Qi and for the first time felt that he was unreliable. He felt cold and his mind reached for the past despite the warm hands that shackled him to the present. It seemed that he was the only one who was left in the dirty dredges of society, his rationality pointed to him. Shen Jiu realized that Yue Qi had ascended somewhere that he could not follow and could only bring himself to grasp at whatever warmth he could receive from this familiar stranger. Shen Jiu vowed to always turn to his Qi-ge in his need and figured that this vow held true despite the new version that Yue Qi had become.

Yue Qi said their future was in Cang Qiong, and so to Cang Qiong he would follow. On the way there, Shen Jiu saw how large his Yue Qi had become, and could only shrink further into himself as the biting wind battered his face from the top of the sword that Yue Qi skillfully steered away from the ruins of their childhood innocence.

(Shen Qingqiu remembered who his Qi-ge was, and as he overheard more stories of the red-cheeked boyhood stories Liu Qingge shared of his training days with Yue Qingyuan he felt ice dropping to his stomach.

He realized his Qi-ge was left in the past by Yue Qingyuan’s ambitions for their future)

Shen Jiu tirelessly flowed through his sword forms, ignoring how his trembling arms could barely hold proper form. He had to catch up to Yue Qi. He couldn’t give him more reason to be ashamed of him. That Liu brute would have no further reason to point out his inadequacy to Yue Qi, he would make sure of that.

And so Shen Jiu decided to hold onto his past and patiently waited for his Qi-ge to return and call what they had something that he felt was close to love.

(Shen Qingqiu waited for his Qi-ge who never returned to name what they had.

His morning routine following his master’s ascension consisted of having tea with a Yue Qingyuan who kept on wondering where their bond went all the while Shen Qingqiu continued reaching for his Qi-ge. He tried to take Yue Qingyuan’s hand and waited to be encased by warmth but only found himself frozen by his own shame.

Shen Qingqiu lifelessly looked away)

Shen Jiu knew that their happy childhood was gone and that there was nothing he could do about the loss.

There were some days where he forgot about his Qi-ge long enough for him to forget why he felt a need to scratch his skin off every time he felt the stranger’s gaze on him. On those days he would look at Yue Qi on moonlit nights and allow himself to ignore the cold in his chest as they walked together among the bamboo stalks.

(Shen Qingqiu remembered once again their shared past that no one had to know. He buried himself in the blanket of his too-big bed and tried to keep himself warm as he mourned promises long broken and his own one-sided oath of loyalty.

He ignored how he whispered his Qi-ge’s name like a worn down prayer to a long forsaken deity as he dreamed of a person he remembered all too well)

It was on one of their frequent standoffs that Shen Jiu’s resolve broke and he screamed his frustrations at a Yue Qi who melted in the inferno of his volatile fury.

Staring at Yue Qi’s face he wondered if his words were lost in translation as he demanded if he ever asked for too much and if that was the reason why he was abandoned. Shen Jiu would later collapse into a Qi deviation as he asked himself why he beheld his childhood with his Qi-ge as if those days were treasures unscathed by the Qius and untainted by the memory of that cold day when Yue Qi ran and tore everything that they had to pieces.

(Shen Qingqiu ignored Yue Qingyuan’s calls as he felt he was too brittle now to allow that man to break him like he had previously broken his promises.

His Qi-ge taught him how to rely on him only for Yue Qi to ignore what they had and cruelly stab his heart and break him down in the name of being righteous when Shen Qingqiu found himself riddled with accusations. He was mere garbage crumpled up and discarded. He was left in the cold.

In his sleep, Shen Qingqiu submersed himself in the warmth of all his Qi-ge had promised)

Shen Jiu knew he should have been happier in the security of his new position. He knew he should have felt grateful for never having to starve for another day or fight another street rat for scraps, but he could only sit alone in the dining hall and feel that he had fallen to hell every time he saw Yue Qi and remember what they used to be to each other and what they were to each other now.

(Shen Qingqiu curled tighter into himself in his room. It was dark there as the oil lamp had long burned itself empty during the long nights he spent trying to rid himself of the cold. He laid on the bed that fit his taller frame much better and could feel nothing but the urge to smother himself and die.)

It was only much later in his discipleship that Shen Jiu would find solace in The Warm Red Pavilion among soft arms that cuddled him close like the ones in his memories from so long ago.

He breathed in the soft incense they set aside just for him and reflected on Yue Qi’s endless stream of empty apologies. He let the ever-burning embers of his self-hatred fan into a flame to melt away the ice that formed as he realized that no matter how far he had come as a succeeding disciple, he would always be that needy decorative jewel whose shine depended on his Qi-ge.

He had dulled and cracked in his Qi-ge’s absence and he slept to the heart-breaking thought that he would never be able to fix himself again, The women who knew what it felt to be rejected by others crowded around him and listened to stories of his past and the boy who had left it all behind.

On the peak, he found some semblance of warmth in the affectionate eyes of his shizun. His master tried his utmost to lift the melancholy that had shrouded Shen Jiu since the moment he was introduced to him by Yue Qi. He was grateful for receiving what he never should have been able to and resolutely turned his thoughts away from the impending separation that would occur at the end of his discipleship.

The day his master ascended, he looked at the boy he had brought into his peak and couldn’t help but sigh as he remarked how it was supposed to be a grand celebration to accept the title of peak lord.

The Shen Jiu who had become Shen Qingqiu ignored the wetness that trailed down his cheeks, refusing the thought that another loved one had grown out of his reach once more.

The years flew past Shen Qingqiu and although the seasons changed and his peak became more populated he still felt like he was stuck in that shed in the winter with no one beside him.

(Shen Qingqiu shut his eyes tight and tried to will himself back to the relatively innocent days of his youth. He wanted to feel like the child that he was back then but he could no longer find him.

After trying so hard to fit into the mold of someone who could stand beside Yue Qingyuan, they had both become too different to comfortably walk beside the strangers who had replaced Shen Jiu and his Qi-ge despite being on the same sun-warmed streets.

Shen Qingqiu sees Yue Qingyuan staring transfixed at the tanghulu vendor and wondered if he was reminded of the innocence that they used to share)

As the chill of his shackles invaded Shen Qingqiu’s bones, he lay in the water dungeons and escaped into the warmth of the time when Shen Jiu loved his Qi-ge the most. His dreams remain filled with memories of when he had the one person he relied on the most.

(Shen Jiu lay in the tattered remains of Shen Qingqiu and thinks that what he and his Qi-ge was real and rare. He knows that it must have been real because he was there and he had kept it safe in his heart for all of these years.)

Shen Qingqiu stared at what the beast had presented and hoped it was all a joke despite his lack of talent with them, he waited but the punchline never came. He wondered when Yue Qingyuan found the way to hurt him in the way that the beast never could. He suddenly felt the absence of the bond that he had learned to ignore flare up again.

He tried to look elsewhere but the demon spawn was probably using his cursed blood to keep his eyes locked in place on the shattered remains of Yue Qingyuan’s soul. It seemed fitting to him that the first time he saw Xuan Su in its entirety would be in pieces.

(Shen Jiu stared at the gleaming remains of his Qi-ge and felt so so cold)

Shen Qingqiu could only wonder if it was his devotion to him that had allowed the beast to maim Yue Qingyuan as effectively as he did. He was gripped by the icy realization that it was not only him who had been brought to ruin by the memories that they had shared. It was only now that he considered that perhaps what he and Yue Qingyuan had did not only exist in his memories and that he was not the only one who kept poking the bruises of their past in the hopes of never losing Shen Jiu and his Qi-ge.

In the barren cold of his dungeon he could only remember the warmth of Shen Jiu and Yue Qi’s happiness all too well.

Notes:

ahhhhh please be gentle this is my first fic and i am merely a baby writer