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Clint has been lost in a fog since the snap…blip… whatever. Despite the return of his family, he couldn’t help but somehow feel alone, internalizing the loss of one of the most important people in his life. His head was constantly in the clouds without Nat being there to ground him. It was as if life was not worth living without her. No. He refused to go down the dark path that would bring him back to Ronin.
“Dad! Look! Look at me!” The slap from Nate onto his leg brought him back to the dinner table surround by his wife and kids. Nate stuck out his tongue which was contorted into an odd formation.
“That’s great kiddo!” he chuckled as he tossed his son’s hair with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. There was one thing he was determined not to fail at and that was being the best husband and father he could be. Nat gave up her life so he could have his family back. There was no way he would dishonor her and make her death meaningless by distancing himself from the family she died for. It was just that he couldn't make the numbness go away.
Later, in a moment alone, watching their youngest fall asleep in his bed, Laura shifted her weight leaning into Clint. “Hey,” she heavily breathed onto the back of his neck. “Why don’t you take a trip? Spend some alone time with the kids?” His eyes widened as he glanced quickly behind towards her, pulling his arms tighter across his chest.
“Alone?” he replied shaking his head incredulously. She persistently tugged at his arm until he unwillingly relinquished his position.
“You being without them for so long does take a toll on them just as much as it does for you. Take the time to rekindle your relationship with them. Show them. Show them you are still their dad.”
“Even after all my broken promises and absences from the important moments of their lives?” He loosened out of his wife’s grip. “Truth is I don’t even remember how to be a dad anymore.” He lowered his gaze towards the ground. “I feel... I’d only be pretending.”
“All you can do is try.”
Goddamn why did Nat have to die, he thought, leaving him alone to face the consequences of his actions. He allowed himself to succumb to the darkness of the deep corners of his mind. Nat would have known what to do in his absence… how to comfort his family in their grief. If he would’ve just died. He wouldn’t have to feel. He would have died a real hero, washing away the blood staining his hands, instead of living as the empty shell of the man he once was.
Laura’s light touch on the side of his face brought Clint’s focus back onto her. None of this was her fault. She never lost faith in him and their relationship. Amazingly, Laura never wavered in her love for him despite admitting to the atrocities he committed in his family’s absence. She always supported him saying she understood but how could she really? How could she understand? Laura doesn’t truly… she can’t but he loves that she pretends to. She’s right though. All he can do is at least try. For her. For his family. For Natasha.