Silk Dreams

by sammijeans

Summary:

“Go ahead,” Shelby says. “Kiss me.”

“No,” Toni replies.

“Yes.”

“No.” She looks at the blonde, her smile growing. “You kiss me.”

or

An AU where Shelby is a fashion stylist and Toni is an up-and-coming actress, as well as Shelby's newest client.

Notes:

I've been lurking and reading Shoni fics since APRIL. This is me finally caving and writing my own.

There will be pining, lots of sexual tension, some angst... but I promise a happy ending!

Song for this chapter is: Locket by Crumb

Let me know if this is any good (I'm nervous).

Chapter 1

“You’re fired.”

 

Mmmm what?

 

“Sorry, I must not have heard that right. For a second, I thought you said I was fired.”

 

Shelby sits across from her boss, Gretchen, the intimidatingly tall, sickeningly gorgeous, and severely unfriendly former model turned editor-in-chief of Rose, the country’s biggest fashion magazine.

 

It’s really too bad about the stick up her ass. 

 

It’s also really too bad that this literal living legend is telling Shelby that she’s fired from her dream job, with barely a glance up from her desktop screen.

 

“I’m sorry, but the Holiday shoots are over and the amount of in-house stylists we have on payroll is overkill— we’re budget cutting,” Gretchen says with an air of indifference. 

 

She continues, “By the way, you did a great job with putting those models in Louis Vuitton for that one spread in the November issue. They’re sending over some samples for the spring.” 

 

There’s no fucking way. 

 

Shelby looks at her. 

 

She sits across from her boss in this ridiculously chic office in New York City, which overlooks the entirety of the city’s gorgeous skyline. Shelby’s face is expressionless, her legs stay crossed at the ankle, hands politely clasped together on her lap. 

 

Shelby’s five seconds away from ripping off her Louboutins and pelting them at the surrounding glass windows. 

 

But, she doesn't.

 

They’re a limited edition Kate pump gifted from her best friend, Fatin, for her most recent birthday. 

 

And that would just be rude.

 

Straightening her back and taking in a deep breath, Shelby begins to plead her case with, “Oh. That’s great to hear about Vuitton. But, Gretchen I assure you that if given the opportunity to stay, I can solidify more partnerships. I swear I’ve got connections and great relationships with the up-and-coming models,” Shelby says. 

 

She’s desperate and everything about her demeanor screams, “please don’t do this.”

 

…

 

An hour later, Shelby’s walking out of the building holding a humiliating box with all her belongings. 

 

Fucking fuck.

 

...

 

The next morning, Shelby wakes up naked, still drunk, and with last night’s makeup smeared all over her face. She doesn't particularly remember anything from last night’s endeavors. 

 

God, it’s so hot and muggy in her apartment. 

 

She’s covered in sweat to prove it and it reeks of weed, despite the fact that Shelby hasn’t smoked since college— convinced she’s too grown up to still be getting high.

 

She throws on her satin robe and goes out to the kitchen to get the coffee machine started. Once she walks out of the bedroom, it’s clear that she definitely threw some kind of party last night: there’s spilled red wine all over her chic as shit coffee table and cigarette butts littering her Persian rug (the rug was a gift from an admirer, a guy she kept running into at parties who’d say her hair was the most gorgeous shade of gold he’d ever seen). 

 

She didn't tell him she was a raging fucking lesbian. 

 

She really wanted the rug, plus he’d already gifted her a vintage, one-of-a-kind Dior saddlebag. 

 

At that point, it’s just rude. 

 

Shelby realizes she’s not always a good person. But, before her brain goes into overdrive and launches an existential crisis, a door slams from the hallway.

 

“AH!” yelps Shelby as she clutches her heart and jumps two feet into the air. 

 

She thought she was alone— apparently not. 

 

Relief floods through her when a leggy redhead steps out from the bathroom, sporting a big smile on her face as she walks over to Shelby’s side and places a kiss on her cheek.

 

“Last night was really good,” Miss Redhead with Legs for Days says to Shelby with a hopeful look in her eyes.

 

Shit. 

 

“Oh. Yeah. It was great. Um, I really have to get ready for work. But, you can see yourself out, right?”

 

Shelby doesn’t have to get ready for work. Actually, Shelby was very much fired yesterday. A fact that she, unfortunately, cannot forget as easily as she did her night with the woman currently stroking her arm. 

 

The arm stroking stops pretty immediately.

 

After a very awkward goodbye, Shelby’s left alone in her apartment with a sinking feeling in her stomach. It’s not the hangover… it’s the fact that she was fired from her kickass job as an Assistant Stylist for one of the world’s most respected publications. 

 

Another thing she adds to her mental list called “Shit I’ve Managed to Fuck Up.” 

 

Shelby’s painfully aware that she needs to find another gig quickly or she’ll have no choice but to call her parents for help. And let’s just say Shelby doesn’t have…well…  the best relationship with them.

 

Shelby Goodkind. 

 

Shelby’s originally from Texas; however, she calls herself an L.A. native, due to her fading accent and relative popularity among the West Coast socialite and club scene. See, Shelby’s family moved to Beverly Hills when she was fourteen— a God sent because Shelby was completely miserable in Texas. 

 

She has memories of waking up in cold sweats night after night, riddled with anxiety and feeling so helplessly lonely,  loneliness she felt because there was such an obvious disconnect between her and the world she was living in.

 

Shelby was a rebellious teen, to say the least. She hit the L.A. club scene at a young age and made friends with people much older than her— people who took advantage of her innate kindness and obvious desperation to fit in, to be a “cool girl.” Eventually, Shelby didn't have to pretend to be cool anymore— becoming an It-Girl in her own right. 

 

It really wasn't that hard: she’s beautiful, has that southern charm, making everyone around her feel seen and important, and really really knows how to put a killer outfit together. Ex-lovers and admirers have written songs and poems for and about her. 

 

She had sex with a woman for the first time when she was fifteen and everything clicked. She’d always known, but it was nice to have an answer.

 

Shelby has a certain sadness to her. It’s part of the reason why she’s inspired art— why others have called her their muse. That tends to happen when you have big green eyes that fail to hide the disappointed little girl that still lives inside. 

 

It stems from the fact that she knows her parents struggle to love her and that nobody has ever really cared about her, besides Fatin. She came out to her family pretty early on, not really bothered by what they thought— filled with the “fuck my parents” teenage attitude that goes hand-in-hand with adolescence.

 

She’s all grown up now, but those green eyes still show the void of never having felt warmth - the warmth that’s supposed to reach all the way down to your toes when your parents tuck you into bed at night. Shelby’s never felt that because her parents look at her and think of what could have been. 

 

The daughter they could have had, the daughter who would have brought home a respectable Christian man. Not the daughter who’s gay, who came home drunk every Friday and Saturday night from the time she was sixteen, and who ran away to New York, in order to make a name for herself without their judgment breathing down her neck. 

 

These thoughts enter her mind as she stares down at the Persian rug and the existential crisis that she tried to put off earlier slowly comes to a close.

 

Bored by her own dramatics, she finishes making her coffee and grabs the cigarettes and lighter off her coffee table, heading to the balcony so she can update Fatin on her latest life catastrophe. 

 

Fatin answers on the third ring, once Shelby’s lit and taken the first drag of her cigarette.

 

“Well, well, well. Look who’s decided to check up on their best friend after WEEKS of forgetting about their existence,” Fatin says into the phone at a volume that worsens Shelby’s already pounding headache.

 

Fatin is back home in Los Angeles. She has over 600K followers on Instagram— a dedicated audience, which she’s been cultivating since she first started a blog when she and Shelby were teenagers. 

 

They met in sophomore year Geometry class where they’d sit at the back of the class and giggle the hour away. Shelby would try and shut Fatin up, claiming she didn't want to repeat the 10th grade. Then, Fatin would tell her how they’d literally never need to know the Pythagorean Theorem for a single day in their lives. Shelby couldn't disagree with that.

 

“Oh shut up. Actually don’t shut up because I love and miss you. Pretty please forgive me?”

 

Fatin laughs into the phone. “You’re forgiven. So, to what do I owe the pleasure?”

 

Shelby updates Fatin on the past few weeks of work. About how she was finally feeling like she found her footing, how her supervisor gave praise after praise for her work, and how other team members often turned towards her for input— what shoes to pair with the Dolce & Gabbana mini skirt or which blazer should they pair over that dress: black or navy? 

 

She eventually gets to her unfortunate firing.

 

“She had the audacity to tell me how my work led to a partnership with Louis Vuittton. Louis Vuittton, Fatin. Louis fucking Vuitton,” Shelby seethes into the phone.

 

“Shelbs, you’re too good for that place and fuck them for not seeing that. Besides, the real money is in freelance, anyway.”

 

Shelby sits on that. Really thinks about what Fatin has just said. Flirts with the idea in her head. Hhhmm. Freelance?

 

She finishes her cigarette, puts it out on the ashtray.

 

“Um. Hello?” Fatin says into the phone after Shelby’s gone mute for a good few minutes.

 

“Freelance.” 

 

“Yeah, that’s what I just said.”

 

“Do you think I’d, I don’t know, be any good at freelance?” Shelby questions as she lights another cigarette. “I mean I’ve got the contacts…” Shelby trails off, feeling shy and uncertain. 

 

“YES!” Fatin shrieks into the phone, which has Shelby smiling on the other side of the phone.

 

Her headache is  gone, now fueled with excitement at the possibility of working for herself, as well as the unwavering support from her best friend.

 

“Shelby. Listen to me.” Shelby’s listening. In fact, she’s hanging onto every word and her coffee has gone cold.

 

“Anyone with taste can see that you have more vision and talent in your pinky finger than any of these nepotism babies running around L.A. claiming they know how to dress people.”

 

Shelby can’t help but nod her head.

 

Fatin continues, “You went to New York not knowing a single soul and interned your ass off— steaming garments and getting coffees day after day. And then networking and making connections once you were off the clock. You earned that position at Rose fucking magazine—”

 

“Okay, okay. I didn’t realize it was ass kissing hour,” Shelby interrupts with a laugh. 

 

She’s blushing bright red and uncomfortable with the praise, but knows that Fatin knows she’s incredibly grateful for it.

 

“Fine, don’t let me ramble on about my badass best friend,” Fatin concedes. “But, you might not like what I have to say next.”

 

“What is it?”

 

“L.A. is where it’s at when it comes to freelance. New York is all editorial. Do you really want to keep taking orders from an editor your entire career?”

 

Shelby shakes her head no. Then, realizes Fatin can’t see her, so she voices it aloud. 

 

“Get your ass back home. Take private clients, you said yourself you have the contacts, and work your way up to celebrities. Also, obviously, I live here. Enough said.”

 

“You’re making it really hard to see a downside to this,” Shelby sighs, and manages to shock herself as soon as the words leave her mouth.

 

They hang up a few minutes later after Shelby says she’ll think about it, not wanting to promise anything.

 

But, before they bid their goodbyes, Fatin rushes out, “Oh! I forgot I met this one actress the other day at Leah’s housewarming party. She mentioned to me that she’s looking for a stylist now that she’s getting invited to more events.”

 

Shelby’s interest instantly peaks. 

 

Having a potential client would definitely sway her decision whether or not to move back to California and revisit the… well, how to put it, complete and utter dumpster fire mess that Shelby created and left back home.

 

“She just wrapped on the new Greta Gerwig movie coming out next year. There’s rumors she’s Oscar nom worthy in it. Or at least the potential to be,” Fatin rambles on.

 

“She was in that movie about cancer that won Sundance last year,” Fatin can’t help but continue. “You know the one! God, I can’t watch shit about cancer. Might as well put my eyeballs right up against some onions—”

 

“Fatin. Who the actual fuck are you talking about?”

 

“Toni Shalifoe. She’s Hollywood’s newest indie-darling and actually really fucking cool. You’d like her, I was speaking to her for a while at Leah’s,” Fatin finally finishes.

 

Shelby knows who Toni Shalifoe is.

 

She did, indeed, watch “that movie about cancer” and immediately looked her up online once the credits rolled. Toni’s talent was obvious from her performance; she has these insanely expressive brown eyes and raspy, gritty voice that hooks you onto every word she says.

 

“Cool,” Shelby answers. 

 

She says she’ll call Fatin back in a few days 

 

…

 

Two weeks later, Shelby’s apartment is empty and she’s waiting for the Uber that’s meant to take her to the airport.

 

She’s spent everyday making phone call after phone call to everyone she knows in L.A. Tells them she’s decided to go freelance after Rose offered her a promotion to Senior Stylist. That as she was signing the paperwork, she thought to herself, “This just doesn't feel right. I’m meant to work for myself. ” 

 

Says it with a straight face every time. Shelby is a scary good liar and it’s gotten her into quite a bit of trouble in the past.

 

She doesn't tell her parents that she’s moving back home.

 

She also really, really, really hopes she doesn’t run into certain ghosts from her past that may not exactly wish her all the best. But, Shelby realizes her mistakes and feels truly sorry for the pain she’s caused. Understands that she’ll need to take responsibility and apologize for her dumb, immature, and selfish teenage self. 

 

Fuck. 

 

She’s definitely walking straight back into the shit show she left behind.

 

…

 

Until she finds her own place, Shelby’s staying with Fatin, an act that truly reflects the strength of their decade long friendship.

 

“Please let me thank you one more time,” Shelby begs as she finishes dragging the last of her suitcases through to her new bedroom. 

 

“No, you may not. I can’t physically, mentally, or emotionally handle the words ‘thank you’ leaving your mouth one more time,” Fatin rolls her eyes. 

 

“Besides, I got a sick new rug out of this whole thing.”

 

Hours later, they’re sitting on the couch eating Chinese takeaway and laughing about the time they managed to finagle their way backstage at The Fonda on a school night— Fatin wanted to fuck the the lead singer of the band playing that night. Shelby wanted to impress the girl she had a crush on, who had nonchalantly mentioned to Shelby how easily The Fonda let girls through backstage. 

 

“Oh!” Fatin screams and nearly spills her food all over the place.

 

Shelby laughs and reaches her hand out to steady Fatin, who's nearly falling off the couch, “What, you psycho?” 

 

Yes, they’re red in the face and a bit giggly from the bottle of wine they’ve downed fairly quickly (in their defense, it’s a celebratory night: they’re now “roomies,” which they’ve obnoxiously been calling each other all night).

 

“I texted Toni Shalifoe and mentioned that my freakishly talented stylist best friend is returning to the superior coast after a brief, albeit successful, stint in the big apple.”

 

Shelby laughs, “Have I told you I love you today? Because I really do fucking love you.”

 

“Yeah, yeah. She’s still looking for someone to style her, if you’re interested? I can give you her number.”

 

Toni is the exact kind of client Shelby is looking for. She’ll admit to watching a couple (three, at most) interviews of Toni on YouTube and she has to admit, Toni’s got an attractive confidence to her that’ll make dressing her, well, fun.

 

Shen can picture Toni head to toe in Saint Laurant— a bit rock ‘n’ roll, loose fitting but at times scandalous, the “I just rolled out of bed, but I still look sexy as hell,” look. Shelby already has ideas, plus a few pieces saved that she’d love to show Toni, if she ever agrees to a meeting.

 

Scoring a client who’s generating exciting industry buzz would mean everything. A client who everyone’s got their eye on. A client who’ll make anyone want to wear exactly what they’re wearing. Someone who’ll make people say, “God, she always looks so fucking good. Who dresses her?”

 

Based off of her interviews, Toni seems serious about her craft, keeps a consistent, yet genuine, smile on her face, and listens to each question like it’s the most interesting thing she’s ever fucking heard in her life.

 

She’s going to be a star. 

 

That much is clear to anyone who lays their eyes on the painstakingly beautiful, unmistakingly intelligent, incredibly endearing Toni Shalifoe.

 

“Yeah, I’ll take her number.”

 

…

 

Three days later, after a few texts back and forth, Toni agrees to meet Shelby at a low-key coffee shop in West Hollywood to discuss potentially working together. 

 

Shelby arrives first, would’ve been so embarrassed if she had Toni waiting on her, so she gets to the cafe way too early and orders a drink. 

 

She’s wearing an oversized blazer that’s thrown over a silk mini dress and knee high boots that leave her thighs on display. Hair is pin straight and falls down over her shoulders, almost down to her waist. She’s a tad overdressed for a midday coffee meeting, but really couldn't give less of a fuck.

 

She knows she looks good. She feels good. 

 

A woman she was previously dating used to make snarky comments about Shelby’s habit of overdressing. “You try too hard. Life’s not a damn runway.”  

 

Shelby thought to herself, this bitch.

 

“Yeah the thing is, I’m not actually trying all that hard.” 

 

Which was true—  Shelby has an effortlessness to her that makes people turn their heads on the sidewalk once she’s passed them by. 

 

But, that doesn't mean she manages to escape the deception which fashion and dressing provides. To avoid the opportunity to cower behind any given persona, which she’s managed to craft for the time being; to escape reality by opening her closet and putting on her mask for the day. 

 

But Shelby is human and can’t escape the nerves she currently feels, which shows in how she fiddles with her cup and picks at her nails. Don’t fuck this up. Don’t fuck this up.

 

A few minutes later, the cafe’s door swings open, and standing at the entrance is Toni Shalifoe.

 

Toni’s feet don’t carry her in any direction; instead, she stands at the door whipping her head around and her mouth is hanging a bit open, a questioning look in her eye.

 

The cafe really isn't that busy, so Shelby’s confused as to why Toni isn't spotting her.

 

Oh, oh.

 

It quickly clicks that Toni has no idea what she looks like, and once she realizes, Shelby shoots up out of her seat and awkwardly waves at the brunette from afar.

 

Toni shoots her a calming smile and waves back, making her way over to the table.

 

She’s wearing baggy jeans that sit low on her hips and a tight, slightly cropped white t-shirt, which means her stomach just barely peaks through, but the top strip of her underwear is visible, on display just over the top of her jeans. She isn’t wearing a bra.

 

Her hair is kind of a mess, brown waves cascading down her back in a way that’s obvious they weren’t given an ounce of attention before leaving the house 

 

Shelby just about short circuits and feels a gut punch straight down to the vag.

 

She’s so fucking gay.

 

Can you not be horny for like five seconds? Is what Shelby tells herself as Toni reaches her on the other side of the table.

 

“Hi, Shelby?”

 

“Yup! That’s me. It’s nice to meet you, Toni.”

 

They shake hands and Shelby’s once again reminded that she’s really, truly, spectacularly gay.

 

Once they’re both sat down opposite each other and Toni’s emptying her pockets— placing her phone, keys, and wallet haphazardly on the table— she dawns a mischievous smirk and says, “So Fatin tells me you’re quite the fashionista. That you left your gig over at Rose to go freelance.”

 

“Yeah, that’s right. Did you want to grab something to drink?”

 

“I’ll order something in a bit,” Toni assures her, but her confidence fades, as clears her throat and continues, “I’m going to be honest, I have no idea how to interview someone. Is this an interview? I don't even know, but I’d love to just chat and see some of your past work... I guess?” 

 

It’s endearing. Toni’s endearing. 

 

Shelby relaxes into her seat and a small smile spreads across her face, a calmness washing over her as she realizes Toni’s just as new at this as she is. 

 

“Thanks for that,” Shelby giggles. Ew. 

 

“Well, I left styling at Rose after a little over a year. I’d been wanting to work for myself for a while. My portfolio is mostly editorial, but I've steadily been making connections with L.A. and New York designers to, hopefully, pull samples for my clients. I’ve also got relationships with big names from schmoozing my ass off at Rose,” Shelby finishes confidently. 

 

“Sounds good, I don’t really know anything about fashion. Or care. But, my manager, Rachel Reid, is pretty adamant I find someone to make me look somewhat presentable.”

 

“That must be exciting. Starting to go to fancy events.”

 

“Eh. That shit doesn't interest me.”

 

“Oh, okay.”

 

“Where are you originally from? I can’t place your accent,” Toni says as she leans slightly over the table, placing her elbows up on the table with her head cradled between her hands.

 

“Texas,” Shelby says with a slow nod of her head, “But, I moved out here when I was fourteen. Guess, my accent has faded a bit.”

 

“Sweet. Are you glad to be back home in L.A.?”

 

Well, the short answer is no… not really. But, Shelby doesn't feel like getting into that here, with a woman who she’s just met.

 

“New York was great. It really was. But, the feeling of coming home is always nice. Guess I couldn't stay away from California for too long.”

 

“Lucky for me,” Toni returns. 

 

They haven't broken eye contact since sitting down.

 

“Mmm,” hums Shelby, “weren’t you going to grab a coffee,” she finishes with a nod towards the counter, a smirk forming on her face.

 

Toni doesn't reply; just widens her smile, spares a glance at the barista, and gets up to place her order.

 

Shelby’s really fucking glad Toni’s back is turned to her, lest she reveals the pretty shade of pink that’s currently spreading across her cheeks.

 

Stop it.

 

Taking the opportunity to gather herself, Shelby takes a sip of her now-cold coffee and grabs her laptop from her bag. As she waits for Toni to return to the table, she pulls up the digital portfolio she created for today. It displays her past work, along with dozens and dozens of inspiration pictures for Toni’s looks.

 

Shelby’s ready to sell the shit out of herself when Toni reclaims her seat, scalding hot coffee in hand. 

 

“I really loved your Sundance look. The Stella McCartney jumpsuit,” Shelby starts.

 

“Oh, thank you. I felt good that night. Probably my favorite look, so far.”

 

“Tell me, what makes you feel your absolute best? What's, in your opinion, you at your most beautiful?”

 

“I don’t care about being beautiful,” Toni retorts with the slightest bit of an attitude.

 

“Yeah, but you are. Beautiful.”

 

Ok cool, great. iiiiiiiiii’mmm going to light myself on fire.

 

The word “beautiful” leaves Shelby’s mouth before she could even think twice about it. 

 

But, the embarrassment Shelby feels from aggressively complimenting her potential client slowly begins to fade when Toni’s face is taken over by a dazzling smile. Then, they're both smiling— Shelby’s smile is a bit shy, Toni’s is kind of teasing like she can’t really believe this is happening right now.

 

They both choose to ignore the comment and turn their attention towards what's displayed on Shelby’s laptop screen. 

 

Over the course of an hour, they dive into Toni’s vision for future looks, discuss her favorite materials, colors, and patterns, and scroll through Shelby’s archive of work.

 

Shelby eventually shuts her laptop screen and begins to give her thanks, “It was so nice to meet—,” 

 

“You’re hired, Blondie,” Toni interrupts.

 

As Shelby’s eyes go wide and her jaw stays hanging open, she can’t help but think to herself, I fucking did it. 

The next is: It’s not very ethical to want to fuck my first client.

Notes:

buckle up!

Chapter 2

Notes:

Song for this chapter: All I Wanted by Hannah Cohen

Knock, knock, knock.

 

A few days after their initial meeting, Shelby finds herself standing outside Toni’s apartment. Today is their first fitting together. And, while Shelby’s a bit nervous, arms full of bags overflowing with clothes, she’s excited for the day and knows she’s prepared. Knows that while she may fall short in other areas, one thing she can definitely do well is put a good (she’d go as far to say great) outfit together.

 

She doesn't have to wait long before a woman with deep skin, striking eyes, and face-framing curls answers the door. 

 

“You must be Shelby. I’m Rachel, Toni’s manager, it’s nice to meet you,” she greets. Shelby returns the sentiment and after shaking hands, Rachel gets straight into it, “You have no idea how happy I am that she’s finally picked someone.”

 

Shelby barely has time to smile at that, walking through the door and closing it behind her, when Rachel continues, “We’ve got a few events coming up— I’ll share the calendar with you. This one,” she pauses to shoot a glare and a nod towards a sweatsuit-clad Toni over on the couch, “needs serious help with what to wear. She’s a mess,” Rachel says.

 

Toni scoffs loudly from her spot on the couch and exclaims, “I’m literally sitting right here!” 

 

The actress proceeds to stand up, walk over to the kitchen, and ask Shelby from over her shoulder, “Can I grab you anything to drink?”

 

“Sure, some water would be great,” Shelby answers, as she puts her things down and begins to take in her surroundings.

 

Toni lives in a small loft.

 

Her kitchen shares the same space as her living room, which consists of a small TV, a couch with lots of mismatched pillows and blankets draped all over, and a coffee table littered with books, scripts, and a half drank cup of tea. Beautiful natural light spills in, due to the massive windows taking up one of the walls.

 

There’s a bookcase off to the corner that’s filled to the brim with more books, framed photos, and little knick-knacks that look like they’ve been collected over the years, maybe from traveling. No corner of the loft is bare; the walls are covered in art and plants do the job of filling in any gaps.

 

A metal beam staircase in the corner leads up to what must be Toni’s bedroom; the exposed, overhanging space overlooks the rest of the apartment.

 

It’s extremely homey. Warm. Little bits and pieces of Toni are infused throughout the space.

 

It’s all very unlike any of Shelby’s previous living situations, which she’d never put much care into. She hated being home as a teen and knew she’d move to the East coast eventually, so her childhood bedroom was sparse in decor; just a few posters hanging on the wall. And then her apartment in New York never received the attention it truly deserved.

 

The rent was fucking expensive and, after paying her bills, Shelby simply preferred to spend her money on clothes instead of furnishing an apartment. That, and she didn't really spend all that much time at her place. During the week, Shelby was totally dedicated to her job. She had no problem staying late or going in on Saturdays if needed. Even after work, Shelby would stay out networking at cocktail hours or fashion shows— very aware that the industry is all about who you know. 

 

And on the weekends, well… let’s just say Shelby knows how to have fun.

 

“What’s in these bags? Do you need helping with anything?” Rachel says, getting straight to business.

  

“I brought a bunch of pieces that I thought Toni might like. I figured I’d get a feel for what she’s comfortable in— what she likes and dislikes. I had to guess her size, but I’ll take measurements today,” Shelby replies, slowly growing in confidence.

 

“Again, I’m right here!” Toni yells from the kitchen. Walking over to the girls and handing Shelby her glass of water, Toni continues with a playful pout, “Whatever did I do to deserve this treatment?” 

 

“You overslept this morning and I was knocking at your door for twenty minutes. Remind me to make a copy of your key,” Rachel replies with a pointed look. 

 

Despite Rachel’s quick response, she’s clearly teasing, trying to restrain a laugh— it’s obvious to Shelby that these women are friends, not just strictly work colleagues. 

 

Toni doesn't bite at Rachel’s comment, instead turns her head over to Shelby and gestures to the bags littering her floor, “I’m ready when you are.”

 

… 

 

Toni has a press junket coming up for the film she’s starring in later this year. It’s not her first starring role, but it’s her first big starring role— making the jump from indie to big budget. 

 

The film’s director has a very good track record for receiving critical acclaim and award nominations, which means that Toni’s been placed on multiple “Young Stars to Watch in Hollywood” lists. While this may be the case, Toni’s name has been circulating around the industry for quite some time now. First, making her way through the indie circuit and, as of more recent times, earning widespread praise for her raw vulnerability and clear charisma, which translates beautifully through to the screen.  

 

There’s quite a bit of buzz surrounding this movie and it’s important to get every step along the way exactly right. Since her first visit to Toni’s loft two weeks ago, Shelby’s been busy getting the actress’ looks together for the two-day press junket that’s quickly approaching. 

 

Toni gets more and more scripts sent to her every day. Shelby often catches her placing different ones down on the table when she enters the loft for their fittings, just to pick them right back up when she prepares to leave for the day.

 

Overall, Shelby would say work is going really well.

 

The previous tension that swirled between them at their first meeting at the coffee shop has dissipated. All three women, Toni, Shelby, and Rachel, are laser-focused during their time together at the loft; however, Shelby does genuinely enjoy the two to three times a week she goes in. They get along great: rambling on about the TV shows they're currently watching and going into great debate over random topics: pancakes versus waffles or sunrise versus sunset.

 

This is completely fine with Shelby, who’d rather do her job well than fuck it all up by developing a crush on her new client. Who, by the way, Shelby isn't even sure is gay.

 

For all she knows, the vibes at the coffee shop existed exclusively within the confines of her own mind— a byproduct of meeting an attractive woman for the first time.

 

Ugh, she feels herself cringe just thinking about it. But in the spirit of giving herself some sort of credit, Shelby’s gaydar has never, not once, been wrong. 

 

You really need to get laid, is Shelby’s next thought. And with that, she proceeds to take a mental inventory of the women out here in L.A. who she knows would be down to make that happen.

 

It’s Saturday and Shelby’s thinking about it while she lays in bed, staring up at the ceiling of her bedroom. 

 

“Hey do you wa— um, what the hell are you doing?” Fatin says as she pokes her head through Shelby’s open door. The room used to be Fatin’s office, so remnants of PR packages and clothing are messily shoved into the corner.

 

“Debating the difference between existentialism and transcendentalism,” Shelby answers as she leans up onto her elbows.

 

“You are unwell,” Fatin responds. “I was going to ask if you wanted to go out tonight.”

 

And a few hours later, after getting ready and having pre-drinks, Shelby and Fatin are stepping out of a car and walking into a popular bar downtown. It’s busy, being that it’s Saturday night, and there’s a line forming outside the door in order to get in. But, Fatin just links arms with Shelby, nods at the bouncer, and walks right through the entrance. 

 

The bar is a swanky “see and be seen” place that overcharges for cocktails— the kind of place where it wouldn't be rare to spot a celebrity or a big shot Hollywood executive seated over at a private booth.

 

“How exactly did you manage to get us past the door and free drinks,” Shelby laughs at her best friend as they take a seat at a free table. 

 

“Oh, the owner of this place has been trying to take me out for months,” Fatin laughs right back.

 

“You’re something else.”

 

“What about you, hhmm? You know I have zero issues with you bringing a girl home, right?” Fatin presses, wiggling her eyebrows up and down. 

 

“Um, I'm literally a virgin. I’m saving myself for marriage, thank you very much.”

 

Fatin throws her back and lets out a half-laugh, half-screech at the top of her lungs, and says, “Yeah, sure. And I’m the born again Jesus Christ.”

 

Lots of gossip and two drinks later, Fatin asks, “How’s it going with Toni Shalifoe, by the way? We’ve barely talked about it.”

 

“Good, good. We have a mini-press run coming up. I’ve got her in Marc Jacobs from that connection I have with the marketing head.”

 

Shelby doesn't know if she should mention it or not— their flirty exchange at the coffee shop. But, this is Fatin, who is the last person on earth to judge her for, well, pretty much anything. So, she downs the rest of her drink and takes a deep breath in, “I— I don’t know. And don’t judge me for what I’m about to tell you, but I’ve thought that… sometimes… there’s kind of a flirty vibe between us?”

 

As the words leave her mouth, she's instantly embarrassed. Fatin’s eyes go animatedly wide, eyebrows shooting up into her hairline. 

 

“You’re lying.”

 

Shelby’s hands immediately go to cover her face, shaking her head back and forth, “It’s definitely all in my head,” she attempts to reassure them both. The blonde continues, “I mean, I obviously have eyes and think she’s hot. But, ugh, I don’t even know if she’s into girls.”

 

“Shelby, how about the fact that she’s technically your boss,” Fatin shoots back, the shock never leaving her face.

 

Oh. That’s right. It managed to slip Shelby’s mind that the primary reason she should feel hesitant about her maybe-there-maybe-not-crush on Toni is that she technically works for her.

 

“I said nothing about actually flirting! Just the potential of possibly flirting,” Shelby defends herself.

 

Fatin’s face softens, “No, no I wasn't judging. It’s just, you know, my responsibility as your best friend and roommate to tell you the cold hard truth.” 

 

Shelby understands and is, of course, grateful for that, but just as she’s about to further plead her case, she spots someone from across the crowded bar. 

 

This cannot be happening right now.

 

Standing at the far end of the bar is Becca Gilroy; hair as curly as ever and smile still as infectiously sweet. Becca is an actress, or is, in other words, trying to be an actress. The last Shelby heard was that she booked a three-episode run on some daytime soap opera. She can't be too sure though because the pair haven’t spoken in over two years.

 

But right now, all Shelby can think is, this is very, very, very bad, which quickly morphs into, I need to get out of here. Now.

 

Although she’s panicking on the inside, Shelby calmly puts her drink down on the table and gives Fatin a blank stare.

 

“Look I’m sorry for scaring you, but I—  Shelby? Are you alright?” Fatin redirects once she picks up on Shelby’s awkwardness.

 

“Look over by the bathroom. In the blue dress.”

 

Fatin turns to look over her shoulder, scanning the crowd for whoever Shelby’s referring to. Once she does, she whips her head back around to Shelby and whispers, “Oh my God. Becca’s here.”

 

They’re both very aware that any interaction between Shelby and Becca Gilroy is sure to end in an intense screaming match. Their last conversation two years ago did not end on a… positive note.

 

Attempting to shrink back into her seat and duck under the table, Shelby whispers back, “Fuck my fucking fuck, you don’t think she sees me right?”

 

Fatin’s already gathering their things and shoving them into her purse. “Get out from under the table, bitch. Anyone can spot that ponytail from a mile away.” 

 

And to that, Shelby grabs her jacket and purse, already dragging Fatin by the elbow towards the exit. She tries to keep her head down, blurting out “Excuse me,” and “Pardon me,” as she pushes and shoves their way to the door.

 

By the time they're safely outside, Shelby’s dying for a cigarette.

 

… 

 

Ever since Saturday, Shelby’s been trying to push the almost run-in to the back of her mind— hoping and praying that she and Becca never actually cross paths. One thing Shelby knows for sure is that she’s never going back to that bar.

 

But right now, it’s Monday and Shelby is back at Toni’s loft. For the past few hours, they’ve been trying on some samples Shelby brought over and Shelby is taking the last measurements she needs to finalize Toni’s press looks. 

 

They’re both facing a large, floor-length mirror that’s leaned up against Toni’s living room wall. Rachel is over at the far end of the room, occasionally giving her opinion when she happens to look up from her laptop.

 

“How does that feel?” Shelby asks.

 

“This looks sick. I like the necktie more than I thought I would.”

 

The actress looks at herself in the mirror and clearly likes what she sees. And rightfully so, because Shelby has her dressed in Saint Laurant head to toe— all vintage pieces which she’s managed to find at a secondhand store over in The Valley. 

 

Toni stands in front of the mirror in her all-black ensemble: perfectly tailored blazer, slacks with silver-toed heeled boots peeking out the bottom, and a long velvet necktie hanging around her neck— sans shirt with just a lace bra peeking through.

 

Shelby is kind of dying inside.

 

But, it’s not only from the extremely attractive woman standing in front of her. It’s because the outfit really is that good. 

 

God, Shelby loves fashion.

 

The blonde truly believes that the sight of a great outfit on the right person, with the right designer behind it, can get her off just as easily as a pair of tits to the face.

 

Well not just as easily, but you get it.

 

In an attempt to re-gather herself, Shelby quickly blinks a few times and fills the brief moment of silence with, “I’m glad you like it. You're a vision in black, Shalifoe.” 

 

Toni is still looking in the mirror, but her eyes shift from admiring her own frame to meet Shelby’s gaze.

 

“You’re a gem, Goodkind.”

 

“Thanks,” laughs Shelby.

 

“So, how was your weekend? Get up to anything exciting?”

 

“Not really. Went out with Fatin and met up with some friends who I hadn't seen since moving back. Oh, I also caused a fire, and our entire building had to evacuate.” 

 

“What the hell, Shelby?!” Toni laughs and shakes her head in disbelief. “Be honest. You accidentally microwaved aluminum foil, didn’t you?”

 

Shelby doesn't answer and just stands there, unmoving.

 

“Shelby.”

 

“We all make mistakes, Toni,” which makes them both laugh, until there’s a moment of silence and Toni starts undoing the tie from her neck. 

 

Toni’s voice has an extra rasp to it today like maybe she was yelling or singing at a concert this weekend; Shelby wants to hear the sound of it again. So, she asks, “What did you get up to? You’re saying you didn’t start any very minor, basically nonexistent fires.”

 

“No, not exactly,” Toni starts with a small chuckle. But her smile quickly shifts downward, finishing her answer with, “It was a pretty shit weekend actually.”

 

The brunette pauses, not sure if she should continue. But eventually, she takes a breath in, exhaling slowly and dropping her shoulders down, “My mom called. I haven't spoken to her in a few years, but she randomly popped out of the blue a couple of days ago.” 

 

“Oh, Toni.”

 

“Yeah, I hung up on her before she could say what she wanted. I don’t actually care, to be honest,” she says, shaking her head like she needs to emphasize how little it means to her.

 

The pair have not yet delved into any super personal topics of conversation over their short time working together. But, right now, Shelby realizes that she’d love to get to know Toni better on a deeper level, just as friends.

 

“I’m really sorry, Toni. Parents can be the worst.”

 

Toni gives a weak laugh like she knows all too well just how much that’s true. “Trust me, I’m well aware,” Toni responds.

 

“Sometimes I think they all have some shared, secret vendetta to fuck us up.”

 

“Are you saying you didn’t have the picture-perfect childhood either? Not even with those eyes?” Toni says, trying to poke fun and lighten the mood. 

 

But, Shelby just responds with, “Not exactly.” And to that, Toni slowly nods her head— apologies and understanding running through to Shelby with her unwavering gaze. She doesn't know why she says it, the words tumbling out of her mouth before she has the chance to think twice, “They don’t even know I moved back yet.”

 

After Shelby says it, she doesn't give herself the chance to gauge Toni’s reaction, glancing over to Rachel, who seems to not have heard the conversation, headphones still in and looking down at her laptop. 

 

With a big exhale, Shelby’s about to suggest packing up for the day, when she all of a sudden realizes that, while she’s taken and written down almost all of the brunette’s measurements, she managed to forget one: her waist.

 

“Oh shit, I forgot to take your waist measurement,” Shelby blurts out.

 

“Wow, whatever would we have done,” Toni lightly teases, clearly understanding that her stylist would rather not harp on family drama at this very moment. 

 

They reposition themselves so that Toni is standing straight and tall facing Shelby, while Shelby reaches over to grab the tape measure.

 

“Ha, ha. Hilarious,” Shelby playfully rolls her eyes, now face to face with the actress. It’s just as she’s about to reach around Toni’s small frame and wrap the tape measure around her body when Shelby realizes that Toni’s blazer is too bulky for her to get an accurate measure around.

 

“Um, I kind of need you to, um sorry, to take the blazer off,” Shelby painfully manages to get out.

 

“Sure,” is all Toni says, shrugging the jacket from her shoulders and casually throwing it over the back of the couch.

 

The first thought that pops into Shelby’s head is:

 

She just flung a to die for vintage Saint Laurent across the room like a dirty towel. Sigh.

 

The second thought formulates once she’s registered that there’s a very pretty girl facing her in just a lacy black bra:

 

Am I sweating? I’m sweating. Fuck, I hope I put on deodorant this morning.

 

Shelby’s been the utmost professional throughout their sessions (if she does say so herself), despite their minor flirting at the coffee shop. And Shelby’s a grown woman; no longer panics over something as simple as a woman undressing in front of her— in fact, she’s seen Toni get dressed and undressed countless times at this point. It’s been perfectly fine. 

 

But, at this moment, she forgets why and what the hell she’s doing here.

 

All of a sudden, Shelby is very conscious that Rachel is sitting across the room, in an armchair catching up on emails. So, Shelby approaches Toni with her tape measure in hand, flashing a polite smile when they make brief eye contact.

 

Usually, Toni stands one or two inches shorter than her stylist; however, since the scarcely covered brunette is still in high-heeled boots, she’s towering over her stylist by a few inches.

 

Shelby doesn't notice, busy wrapping the tape measure around her client’s waist; trying to focus on getting the measurement. 

 

She gets it done quickly, all while trying to make the least amount of contact with Toni's bare skin as possible. She, of course, does though— her fingers fleetingly brush against Toni’s smooth, warm stomach.

 

She almost manages to get the job done unscathed. But, Shelby slips up at the very end when she tilts her head back to take a quick peek at the brunette’s freckled face; just can't help herself.

 

When she looks up, she sees that Toni’s already staring straight down at her— giving her a look that shoots all the way down in between her legs. 

 

It’s almost alarming (and definitely embarrassing) how fast Shelby feels her knees go weak and goosebumps tingle at the back of her neck. So much for a “maybe-there-maybe-not-crush.” Shelby’s crush is unequivocally, indisputably, couldn't get anymore obviously there.

 

They’re standing really fucking close to each other.

 

Shelby can smell Toni’s perfume, but by the time she picks up on the scent, her mind moves onto the fact that she is, indeed, standing in Toni’s apartment and that the whole fucking place smells like her, and that she can’t fucking think because Toni’s scent is clouding her ability to, and that it smells kind of musky and warm and a bit sweet and— 

 

They’re smiling at each other. Small smiles that are equal parts challenging and genuine. Soon enough, the surrounding world gets a bit quieter.

 

You know how the energy of a room just… shifts?

 

When the air physically feels heavier and those affected by it are suddenly glued to the floor, unable to move even if they tried.

 

Shelby can’t think of another time she’s been attracted to the details of another human being. It’s like the sum of their parts is what makes them beautiful; every little detail leads to a final product that is all the more interesting. For example, she likes that Toni’s freckles make up little constellations across her face. She likes that Toni’s eyes are brown— she’s always liked brown eyes. She likes that Toni’s jawline can cut glass (she thinks about it almost every time she catches her side profile). And she really, really likes that Toni leaves her armpit hair untouched, and that she gets a glimpse of it each time Toni lifts her shirt above her head. Put it all together and it’s no wonder Shelby can barely keep her heart rate down.

 

It’s funny. It really is. Because Shelby’s right hand, which previously had a tight grip on the end of her tape measure, is now pressing flat against Toni’s waist. 

 

They’re still smiling, with Toni’s head tilting straight down and Shelby still holding a tape measure around her client’s waist; a few seconds pass and now both of Shelby’s hands are resting on tanned skin. She has no idea how her hands got there— too focused on the way her hand curves around and into the dip of Toni’s waist.

 

Shelby feels Toni’s arm kind of twitch like she’s having a knee-jerk reaction to reach her hand out and place it somewhere. But, Toni’s hands don’t move, stay placed right at her side. That challenging hint in her smile grows that much more.

 

It actually kind of pisses Shelby off. She has to stop herself from raising her eyebrow and giving a silent, “So that’s how it’s gonna be.”

 

She knows what should come next, but would rather die than be the first one to cave and look down at a pair of soft lips. So, she doesn't and they just keep smiling at each other. 

 

Shelby thinks that maybe, just maybe, she saw Toni’s eyes start to drag down towards the direction of her mouth when she hears— 

 

“Did you guys want to grab some dinner?”

 

The pair jump back immediately; Shelby feels her face get hot and Toni’s hand shoots up to her chest like she’s been scared completely shitless.

 

Rachel’s words are loud and direct; her eyes directly focused on the women in front of her. She’s slowly getting up out of her chair, taking her earbuds out from her ears. One thing Shelby can tell for sure is that Rachel does not look happy, at all, to be seeing what she’s seeing.

 

Shit.

 

Shelby is completely mortified. And the thought of Rachel potentially seeing her have her hands all over their client’s waist has Shelby seriously considering the possibility of death by embarrassment.

 

And with that, Shelby pulls further away from Toni, sparing her one last awkward glance, and quickly gathers all her belongings. 

 

“No, I should be heading home. My roommate is waiting for me,” Shelby rushes out.

 

Thinking she can’t get out of there fast enough, Shelby practically half-runs to the door, shooting Rachel a forced goodbye smile before she calls out from over her shoulder, “See you next week!” Shelby’s already shut the door behind her and is heading for the elevator before the sentence fully leaves her mouth.

 

This is not going to end well.

Notes:

thank you for all the comments last chapter!! I'm soOOoo unbelievably excited to write this story

Chapter 3

Notes:

i want to give everyone who's left comments forehead kisses *kiss kiss*

Song for the chapter: Softly by Clairo

One time, when she was fifteen, Shelby got her belly button pierced as an act of teenage rebellion.

 

It was a few months after her family moved to California and, at that time, her dad often hosted group bible study sessions, inviting members of their new church into their home. He claimed it was his duty to provide guidance and wisdom for those who couldn't see God’s path as clearly.

 

While this may have been her father’s reasoning, Shelby had a sneaking suspicion that these meetings were actually a means of collecting deep-seated secrets. Secrets which he’d inevitably use against people when he felt it appropriate to shame them.

 

On one occasion, Shelby happened to overhear her father leading a discussion on how the physical body is meant to be a temple of God— should be left untouched from any markings or obscene piercings. How these disruptions to God’s image are especially unladylike and the “life-bearing vessel” that is the female body must remain entirely pure.

 

The next day, Shelby went to a grimy tattoo and piercing shop on Hollywood Boulevard and walked out with a diamond stud pierced right through her navel.

 

She never intended for her parents to actually see it— just a secret little “fuck you” hiding underneath her shirt.

 

A few nights after she got the piercing, Shelby heard her mom calling out for her, asking her to come into her parent’s bedroom. Her dad wasn't home.

 

“I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you, sweetheart. You’ve adjusted to the move so well,” her mom says, kindly and lovingly. Shelby remembers her mom reaching over and grabbing her hand, giving it a small squeeze.

 

Shelby’s heart swelled so big, she could feel it trying to escape out of her chest. Shelby and her mom were not very close; these mother-daughter heart-to-hearts being virtually nonexistent. But, at that moment, Shelby knew her mom was trying and she couldn't help but relish in the words, “proud,” and “sweetheart.”

 

The smallest gesture of affection brought a lump to her throat.

 

As she reached up to wrap her mom in a big hug, wanting nothing more than to settle into her embrace for a short while, Shelby’s shirt rode up with the movement.

 

And just like that, Shelby’s mother spotted the flashy stud hanging from her teenage daughter's stomach.

 

Shelby never did get that hug, nor was she allowed to see her friends for a month, nor was she allowed to keep the piercing, obviously. When her father came home, he called Shelby a tramp and said she “needs to get her act together if she wants to remain a member of this family.”

 

Now, even as an adult, Shelby thinks about that time when she was so close to having something good. To having parents that were almost proud of her. Only to let it all come crumbling down because she managed to mess it all up again.

 

It kind of reminds her of the situation she’s in with Toni. Shelby finally has something good going with this job; she’s earned something really, really good.

 

Toni has… it. The it factor that either you have or you don’t have. Shelby knows this because most people leave her thoroughly unimpressed. She’s not proud to admit it, but she’s a master at getting caught up in her own chaotic wake— people coming and going into her life as quickly as they appeared.

 

For someone whose attention is not easily captured, Toni has her dangling from the bait on her hook. 

 

And this is after Shelby’s dressed celebrities much more famous than she is, has partied with rockstars, and sat front row next to some of the biggest names in fashion. After all that, she still can’t think of a single human she’s ever believed to be more charming or deserving or electric than her client, Toni Shalifoe.

 

When the girl is on screen, it’s impossible to take your eyes off of her— everybody else slowly fading to the background. Because it’s utterly impossible to not be enraptured and completely mesmerized by everything that is Toni. That husky voice. That perfect face. 

 

By being a part of Toni’s team, Shelby’s work will not only be seen and spoken about by everyone in Hollywood, but by potentially everyone in the whole fucking world. She has a chance at that future. And she’s not doing anything to jeopardize the chance of becoming a household name in her own right. It’s the dream she’s chased after her entire life. She won’t fuck it up.

 

Not this time.

 

… 

 

Unfortunately, Shelby was due to return to Toni’s loft two days after the waist measurement incident.

 

After getting home later that night, Shelby spent hours replaying the mortifying scene over and over again in her head; torturing herself that much more by wallowing in the embarrassment. 

 

The memory starts off in a dream-like haze: meeting Toni’s honey brown eyes and feeling her perfect, taut skin beneath her palms— only for the tension to be snapped like a rubber band once reality made itself known again.

 

She really hopes that Rachel doesn't hate her. Or, to a lesser extreme, think Shelby is the least bit unprofessional. She goes to bed that night waiting for the “you’re fired” text from Rachel, or worse, from Toni.

 

Now that would fucking sting. 

 

She tosses and turns all night, adds “getting fired twice in the span of two months” to her rapidly growing “Shit I’ve Managed to Fuck Up” list, and thinks that disappearing off the face of the planet sounds quite nice.

 

But, Shelby wakes up the next morning with no firing text in sight. Realizing that her dramatics once again managed to get the best of her, she proceeds to convince herself that Rachel didn't actually see anything happen between Toni and her.

 

I mean, how could she? It’s not like they were fucking on the living room floor. Just eye-fucking on the living room floor. Completely harmless.

 

…now Shelby’s thinking about all the things she wants Toni doing to her on the living room floor.

 

Alright, she’s making it a point to have sex before seeing Toni again. Convinced that the moment they shared at the loft came down to Shelby being touch-starved and the fact that she hasn't gotten laid since moving back to L.A. 

 

While that may be the case for herself, she’s not too sure what Toni’s excuse is. Because, unlike how she previously convinced herself that their flirty exchanges existed solely within her imagination, this time there was unequivocally, indisputably something. 

 

So, she called up “an old friend” and invited her over for dinner and drinks at the apartment. One thing led to another. Eventually, Shelby suggested they skip dessert, in favor of a certain something she was craving instead. 

 

Later on, she thinks back to how that was actually pretty fucking rude of her. But, she also can’t manage to really care all that much.

 

She made sure Fatin was out, not in the mood to hear the inevitable dirty jokes all about her late-night activities.

 

… 

 

With a clear head and multiple orgasms later, Shelby feels confident heading back into the loft on Wednesday morning.

 

Before she heads out, she makes two cups of coffee: one for herself and one for Fatin. She’s trying to balance both cups in one hand, so she can open Fatin’s bedroom door without spilling coffee all down her shirt.

 

“Good morning, Sleepyhead,” Shelby says, as she places Fatin’s cup down on her bedside table. In response to Shelby’s much too early enthusiasm, Fatin just groans and turns away. 

 

“Rude, I brought you coffee.” 

 

With the peace offering in mind, Fatin rolls back the other way and opens one eye. “Okay, I forgive you,” she slowly sits up and takes the mug off the table. 

 

“Why are you so chipper this morning? Might it have anything to do with your sexual escapades from last night?”

 

“Maybe. Yes,” Shelby decides after a sip of coffee. “I’ll tell you about it later. I’ve got a big day at work. Toni starts her press run today and I’m heading over to get her ready.”

 

It’s true. Toni’s first promotional event for the movie every critic and exec in Hollywood is predicting to be her big break starts today. And being that it’s Shelby’s job to make sure she looks flawless every step of the way, she’s headed over to bring Toni her outfit and make sure she’s decent for the full day of interviews.

 

“Mmm, so that’s why you look especially adorable today,” Fatin says with a knowing look, panning her roommate up and down.

 

She really doesn't look any better than she does on other days. She’s in a chunky turtleneck sweater thrown over a little mini-skirt with platform Docs.

 

“I look just as adorable as I look every other day,” Shelby stands up to leave, refusing to give into Fatin’s antics. 

 

“Well bye to you too!” Fatin yells, as Shelby shuts the door behind her.

 

… 

 

When Rachel opens the door to the loft, Shelby practically shoves a to-go cup into her hand, cheerily announcing, “Good morning! I brought you an oat latte.”

 

She figured if she was going to get back into Rachel’s good graces, she’d start by buying her affection.

 

“Thanks,'' Rachel says, closing the door behind her. She seems stressed, already scrambling about the loft and shoving things into a big tote bag. She continues, “Toni’s in the shower. She needs to hurry up, we can't be late."

 

Rachel is a perfectionist. 

 

She grew up competitively diving and made it all the way to the NCAA Division II women’s championship, but that intense work ethic, which is so thoroughly embedded into how Rachel operates, carries over into her work as Toni’s manager. She’s got what it takes to one day become an executive powerhouse within the disgustingly male saturated talent industry. She nitpicks at the tiniest details and is strict with Toni who, at times, doesn't take things seriously enough. It’s part of the reason why they make a great team. There’s endless trust between the two women: Toni trusts that Rachel has her best interest above all else and Rachel believes Toni is a good actress and an even better person, happy to be by her side navigating this complicated and often ugly thing called fame.

 

“Okay, I’m ready to start, as soon as she’s out,” Shelby responds, suddenly feeling stressed seeing Rachel being stressed. Trying to appear busy, yet remain out of the way, she fiddles with the garment bag over in the corner that’s holding Toni’s look for the day.

 

“Oh, by the way,” Rachel starts again, as the water in the bathroom shuts off, “I was thinking that since tomorrow’s outfit is already here, you don’t need to come by again. So, I’ll make sure she’s all good to go tomorrow?”

 

Rachel says it casually, like she’s doing Shelby a favor by letting her have the day off.

 

But, Shelby can’t help but feel this is a direct consequence of her behavior with Toni the other day. Maybe Rachel did pick up on the tension between them, noticing Toni’s smirk and her hard stare on Shelby. Saw the lust running through Shelby’s arm all the way down towards Toni’s waist.

 

Shelby feels the tears prick at the corner of her eyes. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry, she repeats to herself, blinking up at the ceiling, trying to stop any tears from escaping. The anxiety which she felt the other night comes crashing back tenfold and she’s so upset right now. Can’t believe she’s messing up something good— again.

 

She doesn't want to respond, lest her voice crack and give away how choked up she is at the moment, but she quickly gets out, “Alright, I’ll steam and lay it out.”

 

There’s a moment of silence before Toni comes out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel. “Okay, I’m all clean—oh, hey Shelby.” In typical Toni fashion, she sounds cool, calm, and collected, but she’s completely oblivious to the semi-awkward energy permeating the room.

 

“Hey. I, um, brought you an Americano. It’s on the table.”

 

“See, this is why you’re my favorite. Buying my affection,” Toni says, as she grabs the coffee off the table. 

 

Great, she’s a mind reader too.

 

… 

 

Toni’s dressed and ready. Looks fucking perfect in the t-shirt, trousers, and Marc Jacobs bomber jacket with silver chain detailing all over that Shelby has her in.

 

But, Shelby can’t even appreciate her work and effort; how she’s flawlessly executed her and Toni’s collaborative vision for today. The earlier conversation with Rachel leaving behind a sour taste in her mouth and an all-around bad fucking mood. 

 

Their typical banter, which usually comes so naturally, shooting back and forth effortlessly, is absent. Shelby remained off to the corner, steaming Toni’s outfit in silence, as the actress and her manager went back and forth, predicting what sort of questions she’d get asked today. When Toni commented on how much she liked her coffee, asking Shelby where it was from, the stylist shrugged, claiming she couldn't remember the name of the shop. When she tucked in Toni’s shirt, fiddling with it so it’d look effortlessly half-tucked-in-half-tucked-out, she didn't look up, didn’t make a sound, and didn’t even dare to fucking breath.

 

Toni must know she’s feeling off, must know Shelby’s been put off by something; maybe Shelby slept badly last night, or her car broke down, or maybe she’s hungover and can’t find the strength to have some semblance of a personality. Shelby hopes that her quietness doesn't lead Toni to believe that she’s done anything to upset her. It would just lead to making things that much more complicated, more awkward.

 

“How do you feel? You look great,” Shelby says, stepping back to survey her, looking Toni up and down to ensure that a single hair isn't out of place.

 

“Yeah, I think it looks good” Toni agrees, nodding her head to emphasize how she feels. Shelby doesn't miss the way the brunette bites her lip, tenses up a bit, before she lets out, “Is everything okay?”

 

No, everything is not okay.

 

But, it’s also not part of Shelby’s job to unload all her worries onto her client, especially when said client is very much a factor in the whole situation. And after all, that’s what Shelby is here to do: her job.

 

Not wanting to draw any attention to herself or steer Toni away from being completely focused on the big day ahead of her, Shelby puts on a big smile and shoots her eyebrows up, as if she’s shocked to be hearing such an absurd, out of the blue question.

 

“Yeah, of course. I’m all good. But, you guys really should be heading out. Good luck today, as if you need it. You’ll do amazing.”

 

Rachel’s already at the door, looking for her keys in her purse.

 

“Thank you. Uh, I’ll see you again tomorrow?” Toni asks.

 

Shelby breaks the news, “No, actually you won’t. I’m not coming by, but your outfit is steamed and it’s all ready to go.”

 

“What? Why aren't you coming?”

 

Rachel calls out by the door, “Toni, we have to leave. Like right now.”

 

The actress looks back and forth between the two other women in her loft, quickly putting together that she’s missed something. Missed a previous conversation, which she was clearly and deliberately left out of.

 

“Yeah, I won’t be here in the morning,” Shelby says apologetically, with no further explanation.

 

But, Shelby almost forgot to mention, “I actually need to stop by here tomorrow evening, though. The samples you're wearing need to be returned by Friday morning, so let me know once you’re back and I’ll pick them up.”

 

Rachel, holding the door open, replies, “Oh, that’s right. Thanks for reminding me.” Toni, on the other hand, looks annoyed and impatient to get going.

 

All three women take a silent elevator ride down to the ground floor.

 

… 

In need of a bottle of wine and all the junk food her stomach can handle, Shelby heads to the grocery store after she leaves Toni’s.

 

Pushing the trolley up and down the aisles, throwing each and every bag of chips or chocolate bar that calls her name into the cart, Shelby bobs her head to the awful 2010’s hit radio station that’s lightly playing throughout the store.

 

Have grocery stores always played music? She can’t remember. In fact, she can’t ever remember grocery stores actually playing music. So, does that mean they’re usually just silent? No, that can’t be right. It’s definitely a thing for stores to play—

 

A loud crash happens, as Shelby runs her trolley directly head first into someone else’s.

 

“I am so, so sorry!”

 

But, a pair of bright green eyes stare back at her, entirely shocked and unmistakably confused.

 

“Shelby?!”

 

Oh my fucking God.

 

“Mom?!”

 

Had she not been oblivious and lost in thought over the shitty music, Shelby would probably have turned around and walked right out of the store, leaving all her shit in the cart behind, upon spotting her mother out in public.

 

But now, she’s trapped and has no choice but to face her in the middle of a grocery store aisle. 

 

“Shelby, what are you doing here? Why aren't you in New York?”

 

This day could not get any worse.

 

Suddenly very self conscious over the bottles of wine and bags of junk food sticking out from her cart, Shelby fidgets with the strap of her purse, answering the woman she hasn't seen in almost three years, “I, um well, I moved back… a few weeks ago.”

 

“A few weeks ago?!”

 

“I mean, I’ve been meaning to call! I was just going to later today, actually. So it’s funny running into you really,” Shelby’s rambles, lying out of her ass. Neither woman has moved from their position and are still standing on their respective sides of each cart, practically taking up the entire aisle with their bizarre interaction.

 

“Shelby. I thought you loved New York. Where are you livin’? Where are you workin’?” Shelby’s mom shoots out questions, looking just as confused from the moment they started speaking.

 

“I’ve decided to start working for myself— freelance. And I’m living with Fatin Jadmani.”

 

Her mom stares at her like she’s just witnessed Shelby grow an extra set of arms in the middle of the breakfast cereal aisle. Which she arguably has every right to, quite literally bumping into her daughter, who, to her knowledge, is meant to be living across the country. They haven't properly spoken in a very long time save for a few texts on Christmas and birthdays.

 

“Please, come over for dinner,” her mother begs, eyes pleading for a “yes” in response.

 

But, Shelby hesitates. Nervous with all the adrenaline and possible guilt coursing through her veins, unable to stop her eyes from shifting between all the sugary cereals on either side of them.

 

“Please. For Melody's sake. She would absolutely love seeing her big sister.” 

 

It’s a good move on her mother’s part. Using her little sister, Melody, as ammunition. And it almost works on her, it really does. Until it doesn't.

 

“And your dad… I know he’d love to… too,” she trails off.

 

With that, all traces of guilt leave Shelby’s body and she quickly averts her eyes from the surrounding cereal straight back to her mother's hopeful gaze. Everything about her demeanor goes from apologetic and wobbly to rigid, the guard is placed securely back up.

 

“I’ll think about it,” Shelby answers. “I should get goin’, but I’ll call you. I Promise.” She continues wheeling the cart back in its original direction, sparing one last glance back over her shoulder at the woman stuck standing in the center of the aisle.

 

… 

 

Shelby receives a text from Toni on the second day of her press junket.

 

is it Shelby approved?

 

It’s accompanied by a photo: a mirror selfie of Toni in the outfit Shelby left laid out for her yesterday. Of course, she’s receiving the photo on account for the fact that she’s not there to see the look for herself. She was meant to, being that this press junket is Toni’s first public appearance being styled by Shelby, but after Rachel effectively told her she was a non-essential, the stylist was only able to see Toni in her day-one press outfit from yesterday. It’s sweet that Toni’s checking in, understands that Shelby cares about her namesake and the work she’s putting out there. The “work” in this instance, just happens to be the clothes draping Toni’s body.

 

yes!! you look so good!! 

 

And Toni does look good, looks very good. Shelby can’t help but stare at the photo for a long while.

 

see you tonight? to pick up the clothes right? i’ll be back home around 7

 

Shit, Shelby had almost forgotten. 

 

see you then

 

… 

 

Shelby arrives at Toni’s at exactly 7:15 because 7:00 would be too punctual and 7:30 would be too late.

 

Toni opens the door wearing a gray tank top and sweatpants, clearly having been home from the press venue for a least a little while. Shelby’s equally as casual, just expecting to quickly pop in and then right back out, in a white t-shirt paired with her favorite Levi’s. 

 

“Hey.”

 

“Hey.”

 

Toni lets Shelby in with a welcoming smile, despite the obvious tiredness in her eyes, having had an early call time this morning.

 

“How did everything go? Get tired of answering the same questions over and over again?” the blonde asks, leaning against one of the walls by the front door.

 

“Eh, it wasn't too bad. All part of the job I guess,” Toni answers with a shrug. “Everyone kept saying they loved what I was wearing, which I said was all thanks to you, of course.”

 

Shelby smiles, “Thanks for that. Um, where’d you leave everything? I’m returning the sample pieces tomorrow morning,” she straightens up and continues walking into the loft, looking around for where Toni left the clothes.

 

She hears Toni clear her throat behind her. 

 

“I don’t know about you, but I’m starving,” Toni mentions, rather nonchalantly. 

 

When Shelby turns around, the brunette is rubbing at the back of her neck, looking at Shelby. She continues, “There’s a place down the street that has really good burritos.”

 

She knows she probably shouldn't. But, turning down Toni’s offer after all the minorly awkward situations they’ve been in over the past week would just make things, well, even weirder. Turning down the girl’s offer of grabbing dinner together would just exaggerate the whole, unspoken whatever it is that’s going on between them. And besides, Shelby is hungry.

 

So, that’s how Shelby and Toni find themselves walking around the Los Angeles suburb, each holding a huge burrito in their hands. 

 

“I’m actually glad they were closed for dine-in, it’s such a beautiful night,” Shelby comments, as they aimlessly stroll the streets of Toni’s neighborhood, taking big bites of their food as they walk and talk.

 

It’s a beautiful night out, a clear sky full of stars and warm weather without the slightest bit of chill.

 

“Yeah, back home in Minnesota there’s no way we’d have a night like this in the middle of winter,” Toni says through a mouth full of food. Toni mentioning her home state peaks Shelby’s curiosity.

 

“So, how did you get into the whole acting thing? I mean, Minnesota doesn't strike me as a big place for actors.” 

 

Shelby realizes she knows very little about Toni’s journey to where she is now or anything about her childhood— just that she’s estranged from her mom, based off of the more vulnerable conversation they’d shared earlier in the week, before Shelby ran hastily out of her apartment. They continue walking, Shelby looking over at the side of Toni’s face, watching her prepare to share her story.

 

“Well, it all started when I was a kid really. I, uh, bounced around between foster homes a lot back then… Mom wasn't doing too well. She’s struggled with addiction for as long as I can remember.”

 

Before Shelby can say anything, Toni continues, “I used to make up little stories in my head and then act them out to myself. It was my favorite thing to do— pretending I was a completely different person living a completely different life. I guess by playing make believe, I was able to escape my shitty reality. I mean, at the time, it was a total coping mechanism.”

 

Toni pauses to let out a laugh, “My best friend, Martha, hated when I’d make her act out my stories. I was such a little shit. I’d give her notes on how to ‘pretend’ better, tell her she wasn't saying her lines the right way.” 

 

Shelby smiles at that.

 

“I’d memorize the lines to all my favorite movies. Every single line. I’d sit there and go over and over and over each and every word, just to pass the time. I didn't exactly have endless options of toys or whatever.”

 

Shelby feels her heart break for little Toni; imagining a little girl relying on her imagination, trying to escape the harsh real world she was dealt with. 

 

“So, you’ve always dreamt of becoming an actress?”

 

Toni shrugs, “It’s just always been a part of me. The escape that acting gave me as a kid… I’ll always be so thankful for it. I mean at the time, I didn't know I was ‘acting,’” Toni makes little air quotes with her fingers. “It was just pretending and making up stories. But, I guess that’s all acting really is— pretending.”

 

Shelby is completely fascinated, hanging onto every word Toni says. She sees the fragmented pieces of Toni that she’s held onto over the past few weeks finally come together, forming one fascinating masterpiece.

 

The brunette continues, “And then finding out I could actually get paid to pretend? Oh, forget about it,” she laughs. 

 

“There’s literally nothing else I wanted to do with my life. And I’m lucky. I mean, I just so happened to be decently good at what I love. I honestly can’t imagine anything else I’d rather be doing with my life.”

 

“So how did you manage to make it out to L.A.?” Shelby asks, still hooked on Toni’s story.

 

“I basically moved out West as soon as I got the chance to. Which was like, literally right after high school graduation. No formal training or anything.”

 

“That’s incredible, Toni.”

 

“And God, I was so broke. I had all my money saved up for just a few months of rent. I didn't have a car and sure as hell couldn't afford a plane ticket, so Martha drove me over,” she pauses, shaking her head like she still can’t believe it all managed to work out.

 

“Looking back, I still don’t know how I managed to pull it off. I’m pretty sure it was down to luck.” 

 

“I’m not so sure about that… I mean, I’ve seen you. I’ve seen your work. You’re so talented Toni. Like, so, so incredible. You deserve all the great things coming for you.”

 

Toni blushes, obviously feeling shy from the compliment. She lets out a small, “Thank you.”

 

It’s cute. It’s actually adorable. Shelby can barely take that this insanely talented actress, who is slowly becoming one of the most sought after actresses of her generation, is blushing pink over Shelby’s praise.

 

They’re still walking side by side, enjoying the weather of this gorgeous night. After a brief look over to Shelby, Toni clears her throat. 

 

“My, uh, my ex-girlfriend thought it was all kind of silly. The whole acting thing. She never understood why I was so invested in chasing a dream that seemed so far-fetched, basically one-in-a-million.”

 

Shelby catches it immediately. Girlfriend. She.  

 

Finally, the question plaguing Shelby’s mind for weeks, now answered. So, Toni is into women. 

 

She’s not certain on how to navigate this next part. How to fish for the information she wants, without coming across as blatantly nosey— even if that’s exactly what she is.

 

Shelby decides to just go for it. “Your ex, huh? When did y’all split up?”

 

Toni stops dead in her tracks on the sidewalk, letting out a loud, dramatic gasp. Which, of course, makes Shelby stop too. It also makes her freak out and think she’s pushed it too far, has overestimated the degree of their friendship and made her technically-boss uncomfortable.

 

“Hey, there’s Miss Texas! Damn, I finally got a ‘y’all.’ Was starting to think you were lying about being from the South,” Toni yells into the quiet night, not being able to help poking fun at the blonde. 

 

“Shut up,” Shelby rolls her eyes, trying to stop a stupid smile from spreading across her face.

 

“Okay, okay. Sorry,” Toni laughs, as Shelby playfully bumps into Toni’s side with her shoulder.

 

“To answer your question, it was ages ago. We dated throughout high school and were dumb enough to think it would last after I moved out here. Tried to make long distance work for a couple years, but the relationship just turned into something ugly from all the strain. And then, the distance wasn't so much the problem anymore, but the relationship itself.”

 

“That must have been hard,” Shelby sympathizes. “Trying to navigate your new life and save a relationship back home.”

 

“Young love sucks in general. It’s bound to be a disaster when you have no idea what you're doing.”

 

Shelby still feels like she has no idea what she’s doing— is of the strong opinion that all love tends to get lost once you’re left all alone to deal with the aftermath of a stinging heartbreak. Don’t forget the guilty conscience that tends to linger, a constant reminder of those delicate moments, the moments of purposefully doing and saying the things that you know will inevitably cause the most pain. That scrambling to hurt the person who is breaking your heart bit by bit, and attempting to hurt them ten times worse.

 

“Yup. Trust me, I know. My ex and I eventually grew apart after realizing how wrong we were for each other.”

 

That’s not entirely the truth. But, Shelby is afraid that if she tells Toni the whole, ugly story, this amazing woman won’t be able to look at her ever the same. 

 

And Shelby won’t let her past mistakes define her— won’t let them jeopardize this newfound friendship with Toni.

 

“I get that,” Toni replies. And after a deep breath in, “We’ll, that’s my portion of unpacking trauma for the night.”

 

The pair both take time to register these newfound discoveries about the other, walking side-by-side through the streets of the neighborhood, burritos have long since been scarfed down.

 

Suddenly, Shelby hears a soft melody approaching from behind, slowly getting louder with each step. The girls turn around at the same time and break out into a fit of laughter once they spot the ice cream truck getting closer.

 

“Why the hell is an ice cream truck driving around this late, Toni manages to get out between laughs.

 

“I don’t know, but we’re getting some. My treat,” Shelby laughs back.

 

After waving down the truck, giggling like little kids, they order. Toni gets a rainbow popsicle, Shelby orders chocolate soft serve.

 

“What are you, twelve? Who the hell orders a popsicle?” Shelby says once she’s paid and they’re happily licking away at their desserts.

 

“Ok, fun-sucker. Leave me and my superior choice alone.”

 

They launch into a debate over ice-cream flavors, which leads to them agreeing on the superiority of ice-cream cake, which turns into sharing stories about the best birthdays they’ve ever had, ending on how for Toni’s thirteenth birthday, she visited the planetarium, which made her realize that she doesn’t actually give a fuck about planetariums— only went because she was hung up on missing the school trip from the year before.

 

Even with popsicle juice running down her chin and lips tinged a bright shade of blue, Shelby can’t stop thinking about how pretty Toni looks right now, under the shitty street lamp lighting that’s cascading down from overhead.

 

They’ve reached a moment of comfortable silence and they keep walking side-by-side, just going in circles around Toni’s neighborhood. The silence doesn’t last long, Toni breaking it with, “I don't mean to pry, and you definitely don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, but I get the feeling you haven't had the easiest go of it either… especially after you mentioned your family the other day.”

 

Shelby’s a bit nervous to share the strange dynamics within her family, and, besides, is not one to open up very easily. “Mmm, I don’t know,” Shelby starts. “I feel kind of silly complaining about all my shit. You…I mean, I can’t imagine. I’m so sorry you had to deal with all that as a kid… being in the system, handling your mom—” 

 

“Nope. None of that,” Toni says, bumping her shoulder into Shelby’s side, just like the blonde had done earlier to her. “And besides, it’s not a who’s got the shittier end of the stick competition.”

 

Feeling oddly reassured, Shelby starts with a deep breath, “My family is extremely religious. Like my dad is a pastor and owns a Christian, faith-based cycling studio kind of religious,” Shelby looks over to Toni to try and gauge her reaction. She doesn't detect any sort of judgment from Toni, who seems to be genuinely curious about Shelby’s family life.

 

“So, it didn't exactly go over too well when I told them I was a lesbian,” she says after holding for dramatic effect.

 

“Oh, shit,” Toni lets out an involuntary laugh, obviously not expecting Shelby’s story to have headed in that direction. 

 

“Yeah. We have a… complicated relationship to say the least. I’ve been threatened with conversion therapy, to be cut off financially, which I stopped accepting the minute I moved out, anyways, and been called a disappointment in so many different ways, I’ve lost count.”

 

“Shelby, that’s awful.”

 

“My mom isn't so bad, she’s just totally complicit in my dad’s craziness. But still,” Shelby sniffles. She hadn’t realized she’d been blinking back tears. But Toni realizes right away.

 

“Hey,” she coos, “It’s alright.” Toni stops walking and takes both of Shelby’s hands in hers, lightly running her thumbs over Shelby’s knuckles, right in the middle of the sidewalk.

 

Of course, Toni’s affection makes Shelby even more emotional and the tears she’d been trying to keep in, fall down her cheeks. She’s instantly embarrassed, and a bit upset with herself. Doesn’t want her emotions to get the best of her and completely ruin this night with Toni.

 

“I’m really sorry,” Shelby blurts out, starting to release little sobs.

 

“You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for,” Toni reassures her, still rubbing reassuring circles into the top of her hands. “I know how hard it can be.”

 

At this point, she knows she must be flushed, must look crazy, and is trying to look anywhere but into Toni’s eyes because it’ll just make her cry even harder. “It’s just that I haven't talked about this in a while. And I fucking ran into my mom at the store yesterday, so I’m like feeling weird about it all,” she says in between tears.

 

Shelby means that. Certainly can’t remember the last time she spoke to anyone about her relationship with her parents. Now, come to think of it, doesn't think she’s ever explained the strained inner workings of her family life. 

 

Looking down at their joint hands, Shelby hastily pulls out of Toni’s embrace, busying her hands elsewhere. Confident she’s a mascara-teared mess, Shelby goes to wipe away the tears from her face and dab underneath her eyes, slowly calming herself down and stopping the gentle stream of tears. Eventually, the mortification creeps in and Shelby cringes. Despite this, she braves looking up at Toni to gauge her reaction.

 

Toni’s looking down at her hands, which were just wrapped around Shelby’s before she hurriedly dropped them. She looks unsettled.

 

“Why were you upset yesterday? At my place before Rachel and I left. I could tell you were off.”

 

Shit. So, Toni hadn't bought that Shelby was alright, obviously picking up on the fact that Shelby was in some sort of mood.

 

Shelby really doesn't know what to say to that. She’s thinking about either lying and saying she was fine, or making up a random excuse, or maybe coming clean about her possible crush and how Rachel definitely knows about it. But, she doesn't say anything at all though, just counts the freckles on Toni’s face while she thinks of something to say.

 

She doesn't have time to get the words out before Toni says, “Did I, I don’t know, do or say anything to make you, like, uncomfortable?”

 

What?

 

“Huh?”

 

Toni looks equally as mortified as Shelby had just a few minutes ago, staring hard at the ground beneath their feet. It’s then that Shelby puts it together. Puts together how entirely and totally wrong Toni has it all. That Toni could think for one second that she’s made Shelby uncomfortable in any way by the mild flirting and long lingering stares that happen every time they’re together. Tonight has been strictly friendly, due to the shift in their relationship that’s taken place after all the tension from this week. But, that Toni could think this palpable attraction between them is one-sided, making her seem like she’s capable of being anything but her usual kind and genuine self, is absurd. That she’s insinuating an attraction towards Shelby, and that it isn't wholeheartedly requited. She can’t have Toni thinking any of this for a second longer, doesn’t want to hear Toni have to explain or belittle herself. 

 

“Toni, there’s not a single thing you have said or done that hasn't been welcomed or reciprocated,” Shelby tells her with what Shelby hopes is conviction. She tries to meet the brunette’s eyes, so she knows how true it is.

 

It takes a second, but when Toni looks up, she seems relieved, even dawning a little smile that let’s Shelby know she’s heard and appreciates the sentiment.

 

“Okay, good,” she replies, but it’s practically a whisper.

 

Not wanting to end the night on a somewhat awkward note, since it’s getting pretty late and they are about to reach Toni’s building, Shelby turns to start walking towards the building without another word. But, two steps in, she spins back around towards Toni, and just continues walking backwards, sporting a wide smile.

 

“I’ll race you,” Shelby lets out, boldly lifts her chin, challenging Toni, who she’s recently learned used to play basketball in high school, to a dumb and childish race back to the building.

 

Toni lets out a loud laugh into the otherwise silent street, throwing her head back like she knows just how ridiculous the idea is. And with that, Shelby turns around and starts jogging towards the end of the street, hearing, “Not fair, you had a head start!” from behind her.

 

Toni passes up on her fairly quickly because Shelby isn't actually trying to beat Toni in a race and just did it because she knew Toni would find it hilarious, and would also get weirdly competitive about the whole thing.

 

Toni uses Shelby’s car, which is parked right in front of her building, as a sort of finish line. Slamming her hand against the top of the passenger side door, still laughing and breathless from the exertion of sprinting for a few moments.

 

Shelby catches up to her a few seconds later, equally as breathless and hunches over with her hands on her knees to catch her breath in between giggles.

 

When she straightens out, Toni’s arms are crossed and is leaning against Shelby’s car with the cockiest look on her face.

 

Shelby wants to wipe it right the fuck off. 

 

“I win,” Toni says.

 

“Guess so.”

 

… 

 

About an hour later, Shelby is home and tucked under the covers. Her hair is wet from the shower, and she’s ready for bed, in pajamas, scrolling through her phone. Just before she sets her phone down on the side table to charge for the night, she gets a text from Toni:

 

we should keep hanging out

 

like not just when you're telling me what to wear 

 

She’ll definitely be embarrassed about this later, but Shelby can’t help but squeal like a teenage girl and flail her legs over and over into the mattress, all the while holding her phone close to her chest.

 

Notes:

kind of want to join twitter, kind of not ready for the time it'll take up (even though I already lurk around)

next chapter we're getting more actor-y Toni vibes, so that's hot.

Chapter 4

Notes:

the girlies go to a party and things get wild

i blame it on them being a scorpio/aries pairing oops

song for the chapter: downtown & cigarettes by Bbyafricka

“Your problem is that you can’t stand me actually moving on with my life,” Shelby repeats for the fourth time.

 

“Is that your subtle way of saying I’m not enough of a grown-up for your new fancy lifestyle.”

 

“You’re playing the victim.”

 

“Well, you’re the one who… you’re the one who— shit I can’t remember,” Toni stops mid-line.

 

Shelby’s helping Toni run lines for an audition she has coming up.

 

They’ve just come back from grabbing lunch together; Toni’s pacing back and forth around her living room, hands currently glued to her hips. Shelby’s sitting across from her on the couch with her legs crossed underneath her.

 

“The one who thinks a failing relationship —,” 

 

“Failing! Fuck I knew it,” Toni interrupts a monotone Shelby who’s leaning back into the cushions, reading off the script.

 

Quickly losing interest in all of this, Shelby slaps the script down onto her lap, and gives Toni a pointed look, raising an eyebrow.

 

“I’m over this.”

 

Toni sighs in relief. “Good me too,” she agrees and crosses the room, plopping down next to Shelby on the couch. She reaches over and grabs the script from Shelby’s lap, giving it one last look.

 

“Oh God, they want me to cry. I literally hate crying in auditions.Takes so much out of me for a part I probably won’t even get,” Toni groans, throwing her head back.

 

“Bet you’re good at crying on command, considering you’re like the world’s most dramatic person,” Shelby says as she turns her body to face Toni, leaning her head on the hand that’s propped up onto the back of the couch.

 

“Mmmm, says you. The one who didn’t last five minutes into that movie from the other night because there was like a singular drop of blood.”

 

So, they’ve been doing this for a while— hanging out. 

 

Winter crept into spring, the already warm weather turning even warmer, and with each passing week, it became more and more normal for either one to reach out and suggest some sort of plan to meet up. Shelby will stay over for dinner once they’ve finished a fitting; Toni will invite Shelby and Fatin as plus ones to the fancy events she gets invited to; one of them will ask if the other’s tried that new restaurant or seen that one movie to then suggest they should just go together.

 

They're friends and Shelby thinks it’s nice. Like genuinely loves spending time with Toni, who is honestly one of the people she feels closest to in L.A. right now. 

 

Her former budding crush, which was causing Shelby nothing but all-consuming stress, has since been tucked thoroughly into the back corner of her mind. It’s been about two months since she’d decided that the sleepless nights over potentially letting a reckless decision ruin her career weren't worth it in the slightest. 

 

Los Angeles is a town where word gets around. Fast. And if Shelby were to do something reckless, like confess her attraction to Toni or even sleep with her— to do that with any client— it’d be disastrous for her reputation. She fears she’d be pegged as the stylist who seduces her clients in order to book the job or as the one that just can’t seem to keep her legs closed. 

 

Either way, it’s not worth it. And apparently Toni feels the same because all traces of tension, which very much used to fuel their first interactions, have been subsequently placed on the back burner.

 

Shelby thinks ‘back burner’ instead of completely vanished because she still has eyes and is gay. She’ll let herself think about how Toni looks particularly good on some days or find herself laughing a little too hard at one of Toni’s jokes that she knows really isn’t that funny.

 

So, Shelby chooses to ignore instances like that and decides it’s better to be friends and coworkers, than to be nothing at all.

 

Professionally, things are going really, really well. Toni’s been getting so much praise and attention for her looks recently, which has led to Shelby’s name getting circulated in the press. She’s been asked to style multiple photoshoots for smaller publications, asked to come back, and is collaborating with any photographers she meets and gets along particularly well with. 

 

As of now, Toni’s still her only private client, which is honestly fine with Shelby because the actress’ schedule is really picking up with awards season, press for her movie which premieres in a few months time, and more invites to premiers, parties, and openings. They’re busy, but are trying to keep calm and have fun along the way, even with this new round of auditions Toni’s preparing for right now.

 

Getting up from the couch, Shelby walks over to Toni’s kitchen to grab herself a glass of water, saying from over her shoulder, “Whatever, I’ve decided we’re equally as dramatic.”

 

“I’ll take that,” Toni concedes. “Why do you have to leave again? I’ll be so bored without your dramatic ass to keep me company,” Toni whines, sporting fake puppy dog eyes, which Shelby catches once she looks up from filling her glass from the tap. 

 

“Fatin wants to hang out tonight. I think she’s getting a little jealous now that you've been stealing me away from her,” Shelby says, making her way back to the couch. 

 

Toni haphazardly throws the script onto the coffee table once Shelby sits back down, “She’s right, you’re obsessed with me.”

 

Shelby rolls her eyes and tries to act offended, but really just laughs and hits Toni’s legs with her foot because it’s true: they spend a lot of time together.

 

“You’re so annoying.”

 

… 

 

Later that night, Shelby’s refilling Fatin and Leah’s wine glasses after finishing up dinner at the apartment.

 

Shelby’s known Leah for ages, she went to high school with Shelby and Fatin, but they were never really close while at school together. Shelby and Fatin were out getting into trouble and Leah was a bookworm that kept her head down in whatever she was reading. 

 

But, Fatin and Leah got close later on, while Shelby was living in New York, so now they’ll all hang out sometimes. 

 

“Leah, I guess I have you to thank for my job. Didn’t Fatin and Toni meet at a party at your place?” Shelby asks

 

“Oh shit, that’s right,” Leah looks between the two girls, putting that piece of information together. “You’re welcome, I guess,” she laughs.

 

“By the way,” Leah continues, “How are your parents doing? Are they stoked you’re back in town?”

 

Shelby sees Fatin kind of shake her head from the corner of her eye and Leah gets visibly nervous, probably wanting to take back her question. 

 

“No, um yeah. I think they’re happy about it,” Shelby looks over to Fatin who’s looking over apologetically. “I, uh, actually ran into my mom at the grocery store the other day,” she continues quickly, trying to be casual and avoid any further weirdness at the table.

 

“You did?” Fatin asks, her voice raising an octave. Shelby hadn’t mentioned it to her. 

 

“I hadn’t told my mom I’d moved back yet,” Shelby explains to Leah, who’s nodding her head trying to follow along.

 

They get a brief recap of Shelby’s awkward run-in at the cereal aisle, but basically brush past the topic of parents past that point. 

 

An hour later, Leah’s gone home, and Shelby and Fatin are washing up after dinner: Shelby’s doing the dishes and Fatin’s wiping down the surfaces, putting things away in the cupboards.

 

“Shelby?”

 

“Yeah,” Shelby scrubs away at the glass in her hand.

 

“You didn’t mention anything about seeing your mom… how are you feeling about all of that?”

 

Shelby shuts the tap off and turns to lean back against the counter and look at Fatin, “I’m fine, really. She wants me to go over for dinner soon, but I’m not sure. We’ll see.”

 

“Okay, well let me know if you ever want to talk about it. You don’t always have to keep these things in,” Fatin says, expressing her concern.

 

“Thanks,” Shelby smiles and hopes it conveys how much she appreciates Fatin looking after her. “But, I didn’t keep it to myself. Toni knows about it.”

 

Fatin raises her eyebrows, mildly taken aback. “You told Toni?”

 

“Well yeah, sort of.”

 

Looking at Shelby like she’s trying to piece it all together, Fatin says “Didn’t realize how close you two have gotten.”

 

Now worried she’s somehow offended her best friend and roommate, Shelby says, “Wait, you’re not mad I told her before you, right? It really was nothing, I mentioned it to her months ago like right after it happened.”

 

Fatin loosens up immediately, “No, no! It’s not that,” she reassures her. “I’m just intrigued by your dynamic together.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“When you first met, you said there was a vibe between you two, and then you, like, never spoke about it again. Now you’re working together, but you’re also friends and you hang out all the time,” Fatin presses.

 

Shelby’s kind of taken aback, so she crosses her arms, tea towel still in hand. “I was wrong about all that. We’re friends, that’s it.” She gives a definitive answer, so that the conversation can end here; she doesn’t want to talk about it.

 

Fatin crosses the kitchen and gives Shelby a big, obnoxious kiss on the cheek. 

 

“I love you, you know,” Fatin says before she heads off to bed.

 

“I know. I love you too.”

 

… 

 

It’s about a week later when Shelby gets a call from Toni. Funnily enough, it comes a couple of hours before Shelby’s meant to head over to Toni’s loft. She’s sitting at the dining room table, quickly stitching up the hem of Toni’s dress for tonight. There’s a premiere and Toni’s invited to walk the carpet. She knows a lot of the actors in the film, so it wasn't totally out of left field. Rachel worked out getting a time slot for Toni to walk the red carpet, smile for the camera, look this way, look that way, ‘blah blah blah' as Toni had aptly put it. 

 

“Yes?” She answers on the first ring. 

 

“I fucking got it.”

 

“You got the part?!” Shelby screams excitedly into the phone, so loud that Fatin comes out from her room to listen in on what’s going on. She puts the phone on speaker since her hands are full with needle, thread, and fabric.

 

It’s the part that Shelby had been helping her run lines for last week. Toni auditioned a couple days after that, and received word that she’d gotten the role just a few days later. She tells Shelby how the casting director knew they’d wanted her from the start and only had her come in and audition for formality’s sake. 

 

Toni’s obsessed with the director, and mentioned that the overall vibe of the audition room was super welcoming. Not like the stuffy or uptight rooms she’s had to audition for many, many times. The shoot doesn't start for a while, but it’s the biggest movie Toni will have been in to date— another lead role.

 

“We’re celebrating tonight. Getting absolutely trashed at the after party. You’re finally coming, right?”

 

Fatin’s ears perk up at ‘after party,’ and she walks over to the table, yelling into the phone, “I’m in!”

 

Shelby laughs, finishing off the hem, “Okay, I guess we’re both coming. I’m almost done stitching up your dress, I thought you needed it like an inch shorter.”

 

At this point, it’s not a rare occurrence for Toni to walk carpets or get invited to events, but she usually doesn't get overly excited about any of it. But tonight is a bit different.

 

Toni’s acquaintance, an actor in the film, a very famous, very rich actor in the film, invited her and whoever else she wanted to an after party in his insanely huge mansion in the Hills. It’s going to be quite the event— lots of booze, definitely drugs, and an abnormal amount of freakishly good-looking people all under one millionaire’s decadent roof.

 

Shelby’s due to head over to Toni’s and get her ready, a hair and makeup team in tow. They’d already planned on having quite the fun night, but now backed with a reason to celebrate, Shelby’s sure it’ll be that much more exciting.

 

 …

 

Toni’s loft is buzzing; packed with a team people.

 

Toni’s just sat through two hours of hair and makeup ‘for a movie I’m not even in’ and is pouring glasses of champagne; Rachel brought over a bottle in celebration of Toni landing the role. To that, Toni, Rachel, Shelby, and everyone else do a little cheers, promptly downing their glasses.

 

Toni’s hair is down, long and wavy. She’s got a different kind of vibe tonight. Still edgy, still with hints of masculine undertones, but Shelby picked out a killer Alexander Wang dress for the carpet. It’s a few years old, so she managed to find it online at a decent price, but from the moment she saw it, she knew she wanted to see it on Toni. It’s black, short, long-sleeved, and has buttons running all the way down the center. It’s cool and interesting with its geometric cut at the shoulders and décolletage.                                                                     

 

“I’ll text you when it’s finished. You and Fatin will meet Rach and I back here?” Toni runs through the plan again. “I want to change out of these death trap heels and then the driver can take us.”

 

“Yes ma’am,” Shelby agrees. She turns to Rachel, “Excited for tonight?”

 

“Yeah, excited to get wrecked later.”

 

Once Toni and Rachel are off in the car they hired for the night, Shelby’s off to go home and get ready with Fatin.

 

A couple hours later, Shelby’s in a sheer mid-length dress that leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination—her black set of underwear on a full display underneath. It’s a bit scandalous and will probably have people turning their heads to follow after her, but Shelby likes the attention if she’s being honest. Her hair’s down and messy, some strands wavier than others, and it’s so long it practically reaches her down to her ass. Honestly, of all the guests at the party, you’d think she was the movie star. 

 

Fatin looks equally stunning, is in a matching set some brand sent her, hoping she’d post about them. They each down two shots of tequila and are rushing out the door, running late and bitching about their feet hurting already.

 

…

 

“Holy shit.”

 

“Do you think Bradley Cooper is here?”

 

“I’ve never seen a house this nice.”

 

“Let’s find the bar.”

 

Are Rachel, Fatin, Shelby, and Toni’s respective reactions, in that order, to the sight before their eyes: a gorgeous mansion on a property so large there’s no visible neighbors. It’s booming with music, people spilling in and out with filled glasses, cigarettes, and joints in their hand. 

 

They get dropped off just past the gate and walk to the door, Toni giving her name to the giant of a man blocking the entrance. As soon as they’re past the threshold and looking through the sea of people for what direction the bar may be, a woman shouts, “Welcome! Drinks are that way.” She’s totally oblivious to the white powder under her nose.

 

Shelby’s trying to take in her surroundings, as she squeezes past everyone and moves through the house. She notices the grand staircase and fancy chandelier hanging in the entrance. The guy on the grand piano who’s trying and failing to play a tune because he looks really drunk. But, he gets drowned out anyways because the music coming from the DJ is loud throughout the house. The groups of girls huddled together, judging every person that walks past them like they’re back in high school. The couple practically fucking in the corner. The bodies pressed against each other, grinding to the music. 

 

There’s a few bars littered throughout the place, but all four of them end up at the one outside, right by the pool. One girl takes her top off, swings it around in the air, and cannonballs right into the water.

 

Shelby turns to the bartender, “I’ll have what she’s having.”

 

… 

 

Shelby’s drunk. They’re all actually really fucking drunk.

 

So much so, that Fatin ate shit down the stairs and Rachel has said she wants to throw up like three different times. Shelby hasn’t left Toni’s side for a second of the night.

 

Toni introduces Shelby to every person that comes up to say hello to her, being polite and charming to everyone despite the fact that she’s starting to slur her words a bit. But, everyone in this house is so drunk or messed up that there’s zero chance anybody notices. 

 

They've been taking silly photos of each other throughout the night, giggling at absolutely anything going on around them. Shelby doesn't care if she’s being clingy, Toni doesn't seem to mind, she actually grabbed Shelby’s hand to make her stay put by her side when Shelby excused herself with the intention of going outside for a cigarette. 

 

Rachel knows quite a few people here, so she’s catching up with them, and Fatin’s made friends on the dance floor. So, it’s just Toni that Shelby grabs by the arm and drags outside for a smoke. 

 

“Want one?” Shelby asks, as they sit on a pool lounger with a view of all the bare tits and asses swimming in the big blue pool.

 

“Mmhm,” Toni hums as her answer. Shelby lights her own cigarette and then Toni’s for her.

 

A few seconds pass before Shelby can’t help but blurt out what’s been on her mind for the past few minutes.

 

“I couldn’t focus on a single thing that bald guy was saying,” Shelby says, exhaling smoke into the air.

 

“Same,” Toni agrees in all seriousness. “His head was so shiny, I wonder if he buffs it or whatever.”

 

Shelby chuckles at that, throwing her head back at the sky to let out an obnoxious laugh. “What the fuck is buff? I thought he, like, polished it. Buff? You just made that up.”

 

“No, I didn’t! It’s a thing people do to cars, I think,” Toni joins in laughing with Shelby.

 

“I’m not sure, I think he just uses really good conditioner.”

 

“He can’t use conditioner. He doesn't have hair, Shelby.”

 

“Oh, that’s right.”

 

“I actually can’t stand you. He buffs it.”

 

“I guess he did look like a shiny car,” Shelby settles. To which Toni just hums, smoking her cigarette. 

 

“I’m drunk,” Shelby laughs. “But not drunk enough to get naked and jump in that,” she continues, pointing at the crowded swimming pool.

 

Toni laughs, taking a moment to let out a puff of smoke, “You’re practically naked, anyways.” Nods her head at Shelby, referring to the see through number she has on tonight. She has a point, Shelby’s entire bra and underwear are on display, her sheer dress does absolutely nothing to hide them. 

 

Filled with liquid courage, and the fact that she doesn't see the harm in a bit of flirting this many drinks into the night, Shelby decides to mess with her a bit.

 

“You don’t like it?” Shelby presses, seemingly innocent. But, she’s hoping to convey with her eyes what she won’t dare say aloud, i know you like what you see.

 

Toni doesn't buy the innocent act, she never does. So, she slowly looks Shelby up and down; holds her eyes for a moment to then travel all the way down her body, and then back up to her eyes. She holds Shelby’s gaze for a second, dawning a small smile before she says, “No, I definitely like it.”

 

Sitting faced towards each other, with their knees almost touching and matching clothed-lipped smiles, Shelby can’t help but feel like this is reminiscent of their first few encounters, all those months ago. It feels like so long ago. They’ve since lost that little spark of something, naturally, as their friendship took precedence and has grown into a sincere relationship, backed by their shared love of simply spending time together. 

 

For the most part, for most of her life, Shelby hasn’t liked who she is. Is fully aware that she can be selfish. Has been a toxic partner and even worse friend. And has a bad habit of not telling the truth; spinning so many variations of the actual story that not even she can keep up with who knows what. 

 

Even Toni is one of those people who isn’t fully in the loop of the real reason Shelby moved back home, that she was forced to because she was fired. Shelby’s continued lying because her pride gets in the way every time.

 

But, Shelby likes who she is with Toni. Likes that around Toni, she cares about how someone else feels, she’s interested in whatever she has to say, she feels satisfaction in making her laugh. She likes who she is around Toni and she likes who Toni is; someone who’s quickly become her favorite person in the world to spend time with.

 

Maybe Shelby’s drunker than she thought or maybe all these distinguishably mushy feelings are turning her soft. But right now, Shelby wants to tell Toni that sometimes a whole day goes by, and she’ll have gotten absolutely nothing done because she’s spent the whole day thinking about her: 

 

what is she doing 

 

she’d find that funny 

 

i wonder what she ate for breakfast 

 

does she think I’m one of her closest friends… she’s one of mine

 

Sitting in some millionaire actor’s backyard with a view of naked idiots jumping in and out of the pool, Shelby’s thinking of what to say to the brunette who looks equally as enamored. 

 

They’re interrupted.

 

Fatin comes stumbling along, her drink sloshing out of her glass from all the movement, and plops down next to Toni on the other side of the wide lounge chair. “Look at all those tits,” she says, staring blankly out into the pool.

 

Shelby and Toni turn to look in the same direction, Toni adding “Too bad about all the men with their asses out.” Shelby hums in agreement and Fatin chuckles.

 

“As fun as this is,” Fatin starts circling her hands around gesturing to the scene in front of them. “Let’s go dance, bitches.”

 

…

 

Reaching the makeshift dance floor, which is packed with bodies dancing on the wet sticky floor, Fatin drags Shelby and Toni close behind her. Despite the time nearing one in the morning, there’s no sign of the party dying down anytime soon— everyone’s either blissed out on booze or whatever else is being passed around this place.

 

Toni breaks away, pulling her arms out from Fatin and yells over the music, “I’m gonna go talk to Rach!”

 

Unfortunately for Shelby, Fatin catches her staring after Toni, her eyes following as she watches Toni walk away from them and meet Rachel on the opposite side of the room.

 

“Make it any more fucking obvious how gone for her you are,” Fatin shouts into Shelby’s ear.

 

“Why, you think I should make it more obvious?” Shelby plays along, not in the state of mind to even attempt to play coy, even if she wanted to.

 

Fatin smacks her arm and laughs, not expecting Shelby’s honesty, and then they’re both laughing because it’s so obvious, but Shelby’s too drunk to care. They keep dancing; twirling each other around and moving their hips to the music. But as they shuffle around each other and continue moving around each other in little circles, Shelby realizes she has a clear view of where Toni is standing, talking to Rachel and a few other people who’ve joined in on their conversation.

 

She’s dancing with Fatin and both girls have a light hold on the other’s hips, just nodding their heads to the music and enjoying this moment together, moving with each other on the edge of the sweaty bodied dance floor. Shelby can see Toni, who’s casually sipping on her drink, looking so effortlessly sexy like always. Shelby’s seen Toni drink the equivalent of her weight in liquor tonight, so she’s not really sure how Toni looks this laid-back and composed.

 

Shelby’s eyes are stuck on the brunette, can’t look away from Toni just simply existing on the other side of the room. 

 

Shelby feels sexy right now, knows she looks sexy right now. More than anything, she wants Toni to glance this way and catch onto Shelby’s stare. For Toni to look at her and be physically unable to take her eyes off of Shelby too.

 

And so it happens, just as the thought popped into Shelby’s head.

 

And Shelby may not be an actress, but she definitely knows how to put on a show.

 

She’s also kind of crazy and has no issues turning Fatin around so that she’s standing behind Shelby, pressed up against her back. She takes Fatin’s hands and places them on her hips, grinding her ass back into her. She does this and doesn’t break eye contact with Toni from across the room.

 

And just like that, Toni shuts up mid-sentence during her conversation about whatever the fuck with whoever the fuck. She shakes her head in disbelief and lets out a secret laugh meant for only the two of them, making it clear that she can’t believe Shelby is doing this right now. But, it just eggs Shelby on and she takes her bottom lip in between her teeth, biting down while she drags Fatin’s hands up and down her body. Shelby is facing Toni head on and they’re both unashamed in their unwavering eye contact, essentially ravishing each other with a single stare.

 

Shelby hopes that with each grind of her ass and bite of her lip, Toni gets that she’s trying to say 'this could've been you.’

 

She thinks it’s working when Toni smirks at her and nods her head, like she’s giving Shelby some sort of props for her move in their weird little game that’s apparently going on. But, with the acknowledgement, Toni breaks their eye contact and walks away from the scene, off in another direction.

 

… 

 

About a half hour goes by and Shelby doesn't see Toni again. Her and Fatin continue dancing for a bit, but they take a much needed break, opting for a round of fresh drinks at the bar. 

 

“You’re insane for what you pulled back there,” Fatin says with a knowing look, eyes peering at Shelby from above her glass.

 

“No idea what you’re talking about,” Shelby replies with an air of indifference while she takes a sip of her drink.

 

… 

 

“I have to pee!” Shelby tells Fatin before she turns to find the bathroom. 

 

The closest bathroom is downstairs, but it has a line of at least five people waiting outside, and Shelby thinks she is seriously going to piss herself any second. So, she’s forced to turn around and search for a less popular bathroom in this massive house crowded with people.

 

There’s probably ten different toilets made of porcelain gold in this place, Shelby thinks as she stomps upstairs in hopes of finding a free bathroom. She’s in luck, and manages to pee in a vacant bathroom that’s in a relatively empty area of the house. It’s tucked away in an upstairs hallway, but there’s so many people squeezed into this house that there are people still littering around, walking in and out of different rooms. 

 

After washing her hands and briefly smoothing down her hair in the mirror, Shelby picks up her drink and heads out of the bathroom to return downstairs to Fatin. But, she opens the door with a bit of force and is simultaneously taking a gulp of her drink as she does. So, naturally, when she quite literally bumps into the person waiting to use the bathroom after her, she spills a bit of the drink she was sipping down her chin.

 

The person she bumps into is Toni. Because of course it is.

 

Shelby let’s out a surprised little grunt from the initial impact, but quickly recovers as Toni reaches out to steady her.

 

“All good?” Toni asks, a cocky smirk taking up her entire face, clearly amused by their run-in and, of course, Shelby’s earlier antics on the dance floor. Toni is such a shit and Shelby doesn’t want to let her get away with it.

 

“Yeah. And you?”

 

“I’m real good.” 

 

Before Shelby can respond, Toni reaches up towards Shelby’s face. “You, uh, have some drink that’s about to spill,” she says and points to Shelby’s chin area. Slowly, she reaches closer and gently cups the side of Shelby’s face. 

 

Toni stokes her thumb at the corner of Shelby’s mouth, wiping away at the drop of liquid that managed to spill down towards her chin when they’d collided. 

 

Once.

 

Twice.

 

And it’s all cleaned up, wiped away by Toni’s soft touch. And now they’re alone together in this little corner of a crowded party. Shelby can faintly hear the music playing from downstairs, but what she mostly hears is her nervous breath mixing together with Toni’s, filling in the heavy space between them.

 

After a few seconds of cupping Shelby’s cheek, Toni pulls her hand away— much to Shelby’s disappointment.

 

But, again, Shelby is shameless. 

 

However, even if that may be the case, she’d never do this sober… she thinks. 

 

Later, she’ll blame it on being drunk. But, for now she has no issues indulging in doing whatever the actual fuck she wants to do.

 

Toni pulls her hand away, but Shelby has no intention of letting her walk away. So, she breaks eye contact with Toni to look down at her hand— the hand which was just soft and warm against her skin. Making sure that she looks down at her hand for long enough, so Toni knows what she’s thinking, she looks back up into her eyes, holding onto her gaze for a short while.

 

She opens up her mouth nice and wide, tongue sticking out the slightest bit, with every intention of letting Toni place her fingers right inside. Wants to close her mouth around them, feel them against her tongue, and get them all wet.

 

For a total of three seconds, Toni looks shocked and is staring at Shelby like she's completely lost it. But it doesn’t take long for her eyes to darken, shock turning into something else all together. Maybe it’s relief, since she’s been waiting to get her hands on Shelby since their distant exchange on the dance floor. But, come to think of it, she’s been waiting a lot longer— for a few months now.

 

Toni uses her thumb, the one still wet from wiping the liquid off Shelby’s face. Before Toni’s even close to reaching her mouth, Shelby turns her head and chases after it. Because, like Toni, she's not interested in pretending like she hasn’t waited for this for what feels like forever.

 

Toni thumbs at her bottom lip for a moment, and Shelby immediately dips her head back, ready and waiting. A few moments later, she finally takes Toni’s thumb in her mouth, not hesitating to close her lips around it and suck.

 

And Toni can’t take eyes off of Shelby’s mouth, watching as she starts to roll her tongue against and around it. And then she’s a fucking goner once Toni let’s out a soft moan and she’s sure she’s never been so wet in her entire life. Shelby’s knees go embarrassingly weak at hearing Toni. At hearing what she’s doing to Toni.

 

Toni pulls out her thumb and rubs against Shelby’s lips, messy and wet. And Shelby’s obsessed with how messy Toni’s being, dragging her wet thumb across Shelby’s mouth. And how Toni can’t look away from where her finger is rubbing Shelby’s lip, while Shelby can’t look away from Toni’s eyes, dark and hungry  like she’s never seen before.

 

It feels like nobody else in the world exists expect them two. Until it doesn’t, when they’re interrupted for the umpteenth time tonight.

 

“Shelby, is that you?” calls someone from the end of the hallway who’s definitely not Toni.

 

Who the fuck?

 

Shelby’s in too much of a daze to notice exactly who’s called her name and Toni looks like she’s about to tell whoever the hell interrupted them to back off.

 

For all Shelby cares it’s the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ coming to tell her that time’s up. He’s here to deliver her to Heaven… actually it’s probably hell. Either way, she’d ask him to come back another time.

 

Unwillingly pulling back from each other, they turn to look down the hallway at the same time. It’s a woman, Shelby’s semi-consistent hook up, which she’d first initiated all those months ago with the intention of getting her mind off Toni.

 

Yes, they’ve been sleeping together on and off since then, but it’s remained extremely casual. Like Shelby’s never spent time with this woman outside of her apartment, kind of casual. 

 

“Shelby?” she asks, walking towards Toni and Shelby who are wrapped up in a rather compromising position. She looks, well, confused… and a little bit pissed off.

 

“Is this the reason you’ve been ignoring all my calls lately?” Okay, definitely pissed.

 

It’s painfully obvious that she’s referring to the closeness between Shelby and Toni, and pretty clear that Shelby has some sort of connection to this woman. Suddenly, Shelby really doesn't want to turn her head to look back at Toni, who she can imagine is a lot less thrilled than she was all of one minute ago. 

 

It’s safe to say the spell between them has thoroughly been broken because Toni’s moved another inch back, eyebrows quirked up like she’s putting together the pieces of a story and really doesn't like where it’s headed.

 

Shelby feels hot, meaning in temperature and like she’s starting to sweat. She feels hotter in this hallway than she did on a sweaty crowded dance floor, and is nauseous from the alcohol, and Toni’s face, and her having to answer this question in front of two people who are not very happy with her at the moment.

 

“Um, yeah, I’m sorry about that,” is her abysmal response, looking back and forth between the woman down the hallway and Toni—helpless in deciding who it is exactly she should be answering to right now.

 

She’s starting to feel a bit dizzy and like she could throw up right here, right now, as Toni backs away even further. She says “I’ll let you two catch up.”

 

“No, Toni, wait!” Shelby calls, just shy of reaching her hand out to stop her from going; she can't because Toni’s gone and is already rounding the corner.

 

…

 

Five minutes of catastrophically trying to cover her ass to her, essentially, fuck buddy, is all Shelby can take before she sputters out an excuse to leave and find Toni.

 

She can barely remember what she told the poor girl. Something about being wasted, needing a cigarette, and, maybe, mentioning pizza. The only coherent thoughts Shelby has right now involve her need to explain everything to Toni, to make sure she’s not angry with her. Also to talk about what happened upstairs; about Shelby having Toni’s fucking finger in her mouth and them both obviously liking it. Really liking it.

 

It doesn't take long to find her. She’s outside, leaned against the wall of the house nursing a fresh drink in her hand. Shelby’s breathless, practically running down the stairs to find Toni with a surge of adrenaline and bundle of nerves sitting in the pit of her stomach. 

 

When she sees Toni, it takes a minute for her to gather the strength to approach her. So, she’s frozen in her spot, staring at the side of Toni’s beautiful face, which she’s hoping will not be too upset with her in a moment. Slowly walking towards Toni, with her breath finally under control, but feeling unsteady on her feet from all the alcohol, Shelby starts, “Toni, I’m—”

 

“Old friend?” Toni interrupts and then gulps her drink down.

 

“Something like that. It’s—”

 

“Didn't like her,” Toni interrupts again, not letting Shelby explain herself. So, Toni’s definitely upset, or is at least annoyed. Unfortunately for both of them, Shelby also finds herself getting annoyed because of Toni’s coldness and refusal to let her speak. 

 

“Why? Because you're jealous?” Shelby lets out before she has time to think on it. 

 

The entire night, Shelby’s gone and unabashedly taken what she’s wanted: dancing for Toni, then opening up her mouth for Toni, waiting for her to make the next move. Every rash decision tonight has led to her desired outcome. It’s all worked out perfectly in her favor. But, she’s kept drinking and with every sip, she’s been more willing to give into her inhibitions. Now, she’s provoking Toni into having a conversation, which will either lead Toni to confessing or denying her feelings for Shelby. Based on her track record for the night, Shelby thinks this is a great idea— she’s going to get her way. 

 

She’s also drunk and doesn't see how much of a bad fucking idea that is.

 

“We’re not doing this right now,” Toni finally turns to look at her, shaking her head to prove she’s not in the mood to have this conversation. 

 

“Doing what exactly?” Shelby says, blatantly cocky.

 

Toni turns to face Shelby head on and raises her voice a little, “Talking about how you’re practically getting off right now trying to make me jealous of whatever it is you have going on,”

 

“As if you weren't the one getting off barely ten fucking minutes ago,” Shelby shoots back. 

 

“Until your girlfriend interrupted. Maybe you should let her know you’re going around trying to fuck half of Hollywood,” Toni yells out.

 

Shelby knows what Toni is saying isn't at all true, and that she’s only said it to be mean and get a rise out of her. But, the comment works as intended; it stings as if Toni’s just slapped her across the face. How dare Toni say that after months of building a friendship, a genuine friendship. A relationship which Shelby was starting to believe was one of the purest and most authentic friendships she's ever had. That she would degrade their relationship to Shelby trying to sleep with Toni for her own personal gain.

 

“Fuck you, Toni.” 

 

The actress looks guilty for a second at Shelby’s feelings obviously being hurt, before Shelby continues, “It’s actually incredible how you manage to make everything about you. Something doesn’t go your way for a change and now I’m the bad guy,” she finishes.

 

“Don’t flatter yourself, Shelby. I’m not losing sleep over whatever it is you think is going on here,” she says gesturing between the two of them with her hands.

 

Shelby turns to leave, not wanting to hear anything else Toni has to say. In fact, she decides she never wants to hear anything Toni has to say ever again.

 

She’s not sad or hurt by Toni’s words, but is fueled by a rare anger that has Shelby seeing red. She stomps back into the house without a look back, her heels angrily clicking onto the pavement with every step.

 

… 

 

Pushing past a questioning Fatin and Rachel, Shelby goes to find the cause of the problem: the woman she’s had in her bed over the past couple months, Miss Ruined My Night With Toni But It’s Fine Because I Hate Her Anyways.

 

After the less than ideal and certainly unexpected conversation with Toni, Shelby is determined to get fucked tonight. Toni, on the other hand, can go fuck herself.

 

Upon finding the woman in question, Shelby turns on the charm. She apologizes once again, explaining how she wasn’t feeling all that well before. After a few seemingly convincing excuses, it seems like Shelby is back in her good graces.

 

They’re in the kitchen now, leaned up against the counter, Shelby asking how exactly she managed to score an invite to this place.

 

It’s just past three in the morning.

 

From the corner of her eye, Shelby sees Toni rearing the corner into the kitchen. And Shelby’s about to blow a gasket, doesn’t want to see her, already feeling the urge to start snapping at her again.

 

Toni’s walking right towards them, headed closer and closer, but her gaze is fixed past them, doesn’t even look like she sees them. And Shelby’s fully ready to turn and make some snide remark to Toni, as she brushes past them. Wants to tell her to go away, or the mature part of her wants to grab the girl and drag her away, maybe to another corner of the room or to just call a car and head home together.

 

But, suddenly there’s a screech and Shelby’s hook-up for the night is jumping up and backwards, “Oh my God, this is Prada!”

 

The girl’s entire left side is drenched in bright red cranberry juice, staining her very expensive, previously pristine-white mini dress. Shelby feels for her— it’s a great dress. But, right now all Shelby can focus on is Toni, who's walking away from them holding a now empty glass of vodka cranberry.

 

Shelby saw the whole thing happen. 

 

Saw Toni approaching them from the corner of her eye and quickly, discreetly flick her glass full of red liquid on the poor girl Shelby was trying to take home tonight.

 

Except Shelby’s definitely not leaving with her now, and Shelby’s definitely going home alone. Because instead of expressing any ounce of concern for the girl, perhaps grabbing something to dab at the stain, she’s peering past her into the crowd, keeping her eyes on the head of brunette waves walking towards the front door. 

 

Shelby laughs, shaking her head in disbelief at the stunt Toni’s just pulled. She’s shocked.

 

“Seriously?!” the girl snaps at a distracted Shelby. She slowly snaps out of it and peers down at the mess of a stain Toni’s left behind all over this woman, all over the floor.

 

Toni hadn't even been mixing with cranberry juice tonight. Shelby’s certain Toni’s drinks had been clear— gin and tonic after gin and tonic. Meaning she specifically mixed this drink with every intention to throw it and cause a scene: riling Shelby up, potentially ruining her chance of getting laid tonight, fucking with this girl who’s innocent in the whole thing.

 

Shelby realizes it’s fucking backwards and pretty messed up, but she also thinks it’s kind of hot, even despite her being currently pissed at Toni.

 

The thought dawns on Shelby that she’s a horrible person for finding amusement in it. However, the thought leaves her mind as quickly as it entered, remembering how it’s Toni’s fault in the first place for purposefully spilling an entire fuckung drink down someone’s side.

 

So, maybe Toni’s just as much of a shit person.

 

…

 

They don’t see each other for the rest of the night; Toni presumably left after the whole drink spilling fiasco. By the time Shelby gets cussed out by the girl she thought would end up in her bed, apologizes profusely, and takes a lonely Uber ride home, it’s four in the morning and Shelby’s decided she hates Toni.

 

She hates Toni for hiring her in the first place.

 

She hates Toni for becoming her friend.

 

She hates Toni for the horrible things she said tonight.

 

She hates Toni for making Shelby think she ever liked her.

 

She hates Toni.

 

Once she’s home, she showers off the grime from the night, hoping to sober up a bit, so she doesn’t feel those dizzy drunk spins once her head hits the pillow.

 

Tucked into bed with every intention of sleeping in well into tomorrow afternoon, she remembers how much she hates Toni.

 

She hates Toni. And she’s thinking about how much she hates Toni while her hand is, all of a sudden, down the front of underwear. Thoughts of Toni’s eyes on her mouth, while she sucked and licked at her finger, are running through her mind. Rubbing against her clit in slow, tight circles, she replays the whole scene in her head.

 

She’s still drunk, a little dizzy, and thinks about how she never wants to see Toni again, all while she picks up speed and gets at her clit harder, with more pressure. Getting annoyed with her underwear for the way it impedes the movement of her fingers, she shoves them down her legs and impatiently flings the pair of underwear across her room. 

 

She wonders about whether or not Toni, if she were here, would choose to rip them off too or would she keep them on, too impatient to have her fingers all over Shelby.

 

Maybe Toni would grab her breast, feeling and massaging just like Shelby’s doing now. Or maybe Shelby will quit tomorrow because she thinks Toni is selfish and mean for the way she acted tonight.

 

She remembers the way Toni’s hand so callously flicked a glass full of liquid onto someone’s dress, like doing it actually meant nothing to her, and thinks about that hand replacing Shelby’s in between her legs. Or it wrapping around Shelby’s throat. Or Shelby grabbing onto it really hard because she’s about to come really fucking hard, just like she’s going to right now.

 

Now, catching her breath from her orgasm and laying in bed a sweaty, sticky mess, Shelby realizes that she doesn't hate Toni at all— not even a little bit. 

 

For the first time tonight, she doesn't feel anger towards Toni. She feels a sadness creeping in instead, as she replays the nasty things Toni shouted at her tonight. Quite frankly, she’s devastated over their fight, over Toni being angry with her. Is miserable knowing that Toni’s capable of thinking awful things about her when, in Shelby’s eyes, Toni is near perfect in every single way.

 

She thinks she’ll call Toni in the morning to apologize, hopefully receiving an apology in return.

 

Just a few weeks ago, something like this would have Shelby in agony, the thought of losing her job over this. But, it hasn’t even crossed her mind now. The only thing she’s worried about is the possibility of ruining everything between Toni and her.

 

So, she’ll call Toni in the morning and try to fix this mess before it’s too late.

 

Notes:

canon toni throws piss at someone so it's not that crazy for her to be throwing drinks right?? lol

Chapter 5

Notes:

song for this chapter is: saw you in a dream by the japanese house

An extremely groggy Shelby wakes up the next morning feeling hungover as shit.  

 

Her throat is bone dry and she’s absolutely freezing since she woke up fucking naked; was too drunk to put on pajamas before falling into bed last night.

 

Oh, God. Last night.

 

Looking back, the entire night feels like a fever dream, really. 

 

Now, as Shelby’s curled up into a little ball, too cold and nauseous to move a single inch, she thinks back on everything that transpired at the party. The night went from great, to really great, to really really great, to abysmally low.

 

The blonde fell asleep with tears in her eyes and thoughts of Toni in her head— her breathtaking smile from each time Shelby made her laugh, the feel of her finger against Shelby’s tongue, them tucked away sharing a private moment in the hallway of a millionaire’s mansion. It’s all cut short when she remembers the cruel words Toni shouted, as the party drew to a close— her throwing a drink.

 

Shelby’s too scared to think about where she and Toni go from here. Is too anxious just thinking about how exactly they pick up and move on from this. 

 

All personal reasons aside, Shelby would rather be on good terms with Toni, so she can get her job done, and done well. 

 

Toni’s movie is premiering so soon and with that comes weeks of press, and, most importantly, the big premiere. Toni needs to look downright perfect for the red carpet of her first big starring role. And a huge event with all eyes on Toni means Shelby needs to deliver an impeccable look for her— can’t afford for the ensemble to have a single flaw in sight, no matter how miniscule.

 

She wants people’s jaws to be on the fucking floor when they see Toni walk down that carpet for the first time. They have work to do, in order to achieve that.

 

So, with that in mind, it’s not the best time for them to be… whatever they are right now after last night.

 

Putting the Toni issue aside, Shelby’s nausea takes precedence, as she can’t focus on anything right now besides coffee, greasy food, and warmth. She decides to worry about it later and begrudgingly get out from under the covers. 

 

The blonde scours her drawers for the comfiest sweats she owns and gets her poorly dried hair from out of her face, throwing it up in a messy bun. 

 

After looking for her phone for several minutes (it was still in her bag from last night), she checks Fatin’s location to make sure she made it home safe. That, or if she’s still out, wants to text her and make sure she’s alright. Her app shows Fatin's home, so she knows to make enough coffee and food for the both of them, in case Fatin’s feeling just as shit as she is right now.

 

In order to open her bedroom door, she has to step over a pair of underwear laying on the floor— the pair she’d thrown across the room last night. The pair she didn’t need, as she thought certain thoughts about a brown eyed you know who.

 

To her surprise, it doesn’t serve as a good reminder; doesn't elicit any feelings of desire and doesn’t shoot a spark of heat down to her core from the memory.

 

Now, it just reminds her of how deep into this mess she is. Evidence of how her feelings for Toni are once again bubbling to the surface— the door which had been previously shut, albeit with a shitty lock, is stubbornly creaking back open.

 

Jesus Christ, she can’t even walk across the apartment and start the coffee machine without getting lost in thought over it. 

 

With a newfound motivation to think about literally anything besides Toni, Shelby decides to spend her day getting out of this funk. Needs to distract herself until she wraps her head around what she’s feeling and what she wants to do about it.

 

Yup, that’s what she’ll do.

 

Shelby wants to put on an amazing outfit, shop, and go for a drive. Or maybe she’ll go get a haircut because she’s due for a trim, anyways. Yup, that’s what she’ll do. She’ll have some ‘me time,’ call it self care. Mhhm. That’s the plan for the day.

 

Until it’s not, when Shelby’s phone dings to notify her of a text that throws off her entire day. 

 

Hi Shelbs

 

Melody’s birthday party is this afternoon and I know she’d love for you to come

 

If you could pass by the house anytime after 3, it would be the very best present

 

This is mom by the way

 

Well. 

 

She knows she should go. Realizes that she’s been an awful big sister and that ditching her sister’s birthday party for whatever excuse she decides will suffice is a terrible thing to do. She thinks she should go.

 

But, she really doesn’t want to.

 

Shelby doesn't even know how old her sister is turning. Melody should be fifteen by now… or is it sixteen— no, maybe it’s fourteen. Regardless, she has no fucking idea what to get her as a gift, and even less of a clue as to what teenage girls are even remotely into these days.

 

And then she remembers. Remembers that she hasn't stepped foot into the house she grew up in, lived in as a teenager, for so many years. She thinks that going now, after all this time, would just be awkward for everyone. The big elephant room, being that Shelby hadn’t so much as called her family to tell them she’d moved back.

 

And not to mention her father. Her father, who she hasn't spoken to since the very second after she moved out, all those years ago. The man who she very much can’t stand.

 

She has no interest in hearing his passive aggressive comments: about her job, about her lifestyle, about her sexuality. 

 

She has no interest in seeing him play the charming host, perfectly hospitable to all his guests, when he couldn't extend the same courtesy to his daughter, who grew up feeling like an outsider in her own home.

 

She has no interest in hearing his stupid fucking Texan accent, which hasn’t faded in the least bit despite living in California for over a decade.

 

She has no interest in spending her day upset, annoyed, and worse of all, in the presence of Dave Goodkind.

 

So, Shelby decides she’s not going.

 

…

 

 

She goes.

 

And she’s regretting her decision, as she stands outside her parent’s house and waits for the door to open after she’s rung the doorbell— gift bag in hand.

 

She decided to get her sister a purse; saw it sitting in a store window and thought it was cute and young enough for a teenager to semi-enjoy wearing (she actually has no fucking clue if her sister will like it or not, but she does know she has good taste, so it should suffice).

 

Anyways, her heart is currently beating out of chest as she waits on the front porch, overhearing the loud happy voices and faint music coming from inside the house.

 

Her mom opens the door. “Shelby, you made it!” she says, looks pleasantly surprised and opens the door wide. 

 

“Uh, yeah. Of course, I did,” Shelby says, as if her being here is totally obvious and normal.

 

They hesitate at the door, and Shelby’s unsure whether she should go for the hug or a kiss on the cheek. They opt for a short hug and Shelby steps into the house filled with strangers— a mix of teenage girls and adults she assumes are their parents or, more likely, her parent’s church friends.

 

Shelby came wearing a simple dress. It may not look like it, but she spent over an hour picking this outfit. Pacing her room back and forth, she debated what exactly one wears to their little sister’s birthday party where one will reunite with their rather estranged parents.

 

The bundle of nerves that had been fluttering around in her stomach during the whole car ride over quickly dissipates within a few minutes, once Shelby sees her sister.

 

Tears immediately prick at her eyes. Melody’s gotten so big and is so incredibly beautiful— looks happy, bright, and innocent. Shelby thinks she sees a resemblance— that she has her eyes.

 

They hug tight and Shelby finds it hard to let go. To her surprise, she finds it even harder to believe how stubborn she’s been and how long she’s gone without so much as texting or Facetiming, just to check in. 

 

Joy is quickly replaced with sickening guilt. And the guilt spreads even further through her body once she sees how flawlessly happy Melody is to be reunited with her big sister in this moment, on her special day.

 

The bittersweet moment is repeated all over again once Shelby sees her brother, Spencer, who she barely even recognizes now that he towers over her. 

 

Melody introduces Shelby to some of her friends and says, This is my sister, Shelby. She used to live in New York and she styles famous celebrities. 

 

She says it, filled with pride, like Shelby’s the coolest girl in the entire world. Doesn’t insinuate that she’s someone who up and vanished, abandoning her sweet little sister during her most formative years.

 

And then, Shelby is guided over to the backyard patio with her mom’s hand lightly pressing down on her lower back. 

 

Her dad is there. He’s standing at the grill, laughing and talking to a few other people gathered nearby.

 

Now that Shelby’s a grown woman, and isn't living under his roof with his ridiculous rules, like the banning of any and all unnecessary sugar, Dave Goodkind appears entirely less intimidating.

 

He spots Shelby approaching and greets her, “Shelbs, didn't think you’d make it.” 

 

“Wouldn't miss it,” Shelby gives a deliberate smile, wanting to show how perfectly at ease she is right now, standing tall in front of him. 

 

Dave puts down the pair of tongs in his hands and makes a big show of clearing his throat, attempting to get everyone’s attention.

 

“Everyone, this is my oldest, Shelby. And what a blessing it is to have her here, celebratin’ with us. Her family,” he says to everyone as if this isn't the first time they’ve spoken to each other in years. 

 

Standing here, being introduced to a bunch of boring middle aged fuckers, who are probably homophobic if they consider themselves friends with her father, is making Shelby feel severely uncomfortable. She’s not entirely sure if she should be playing along with the nicety or just say fuck it and be rude for the sake of it.

 

Sticking with the former, she nods her head at everyone and pretends she’s perfectly ecstatic to be home. 

 

From what she remembers, her dad doesn't keep liquor in the house, but Shelby thinks a stiff drink would help soothe all the tension coursing through her body right now. But then again, she did get disgustingly drunk last night, which resulted in some pretty poor decisions on her part, so she refrains from giving into the desire of raiding the cabinets.

 

Once the polite sentiments from the crowd die down and everyone goes back to their respective conversations, Shelby turns towards Dave and they hold eye contact for a brief moment. Shelby’s waits, anticipating the much more private, surely less enthusiastic, greeting she knows is coming.

 

“We’ll talk later,” he says in a hushed voice. It’s all he gives her for now.

 

Which is all well and good with the eldest Goodkind sibling, who’s happy to avoid her dad for as long as possible. She’d rather speak to literally anybody else. And that’s exactly what she does. 

 

But, eventually, conversations run dry, as she has nothing in common with any of these people she’s just met. She goes to find either one of her siblings, but sees they’re busy with their friends. 

 

It’s how Shelby finds herself standing awkwardly alone in the corner. Realizing how pathetic and sad this probably looks, she decides to roam and reacquaint herself with the house; tries to find solace in the familiar furniture and decor. 

 

Despite being located in a Los Angeles suburb, the house is so distinctively southern. It reminds Shelby of their old house in Texas— still has a white wrap around porch and a few inspirational quotes littered around the place. The Goodkinds never fully embraced their new life in California.

 

Actually, they were quite resistant in moving to the liberal, much too big and crowded city. But, Dave couldn't possibly turn down the position as lead pastor at a hugely popular, uncharacteristically conservative for L.A., church here. 

 

The real selling point was that his faith-based cycling business was way more likely to take off in the health-crazed and workout obsessed city of L.A.

 

So, they moved.

 

And of course, Shelby assimilated immediately. However, her parents, on the other hand, clung to their Texan roots, as if drifting too far off the beaten path would dismantle everything their family was built upon.

 

As Shelby walks through the house, she notices that not much has really changed since the last time she was here. Just a few freshly painted walls and new photos of her brother at high school graduation. 

 

Shelby’s surprised to see that all of her photos are still up: her preschool graduation, her tenth birthday, her senior portrait. 

 

It’s kind of like walking through a graveyard, for she barely recognizes the girl smiling from behind the frame.

 

Out of curiosity, she walks upstairs and follows the path she still remembers up to her old bedroom. It’s strange because it feels like she’s intruding, poking around someone else’s house and peaking into their private quarters. 

 

But that’s not what this is. And Shelby has every right to be up here, which is what she tells herself, as she stares into her old bedroom.

 

It’s also exactly the same. It even smells faintly like the Juice Couture Viva La Juicy perfume she’d douse herself in every time she left the house. 

 

Coming in here, she fully expected to see the room converted into a gym or perhaps a guest bedroom. But, it’s untouched, with the walls still an ugly light pink and the old furniture sitting in the same exact place.

 

She’s not really sure what to make of it. 

 

If Shelby’s being honest, she hoped it was completely different, unrecognizable even. Wanted it to be filled to the brim with workout equipment, a treadmill, and storage boxes. That way, she could head back downstairs to make some snarky comment about how they effectively erased her from their lives. Or maybe about how they just couldn't wait to get her out of the house fast enough.

 

But, it’s all intact, and it's the second plan Shelby’s had for the day that goes to shit.

 

Laying down across her old bed, staring up at the ceiling, she hides from the crowd downstairs.

 

She’s not really sure what it is exactly that she came to her parent’s house to do. Not sure what she expected to happen today. Maybe she expected to cause a scene by yelling and fighting with her dad, or a big fat happy family reunion with tears and kisses all around. 

 

Regardless, she did not predict to be hiding up in her old room because she has no one to talk to downstairs.

 

It’s the same bed Shelby used to sneak girls into when her parents weren’t home or were already asleep for the night. She used to love that. Loved having hookups over right under her parents' noses— under the roof of their very Christian, very conservative household. It gave her the biggest kick: all the sneaking in and out. It just made the whole experience that much more fun and juvenile.

 

Eventually, she feels her phone vibrate from inside her bag, indicating someone’s texted her. And all’s right with the world when she sees Toni’s name flash across her screen. 

 

Shelby’s long since memorized the shape of Toni’s name on her phone. 

 

One day, a few weeks ago, she stared at her phone for ten minutes straight—  just looking at Toni's name at the top of her screen, how it popped out so much more than any of the other words. She found herself mesmerized by the curves and edges of each letter, how they came together to form this special four letter word. She thought about how much she liked Toni’s name and how pretty the letters looked sitting side by side.

 

Shelby felt embarrassed after and promised she’d try to not think things like that again.

 

Toni’s text reads:

 

I think we should talk. When are you free?

 

Her text sounds… serious. In fact, Shelby doesn't like the sound of it all. Too on edge to think of anything else and too nervous from the brevity and straightforwardness of Toni’s text, she replies right away.

 

Anytime. Now, if you want

 

Shelby doesn't care if the quickness in her reply or the wide-open availability she’s given makes her seem desperate. She’s dying for an excuse to leave this party and would rather be anywhere else at this point. 

 

Including with an angry Toni.

 

… 

 

Shelby goes to say goodbye before she heads out. But, before she has the chance to reach Melody, her dad catches her in the midst of the attempted getaway. 

 

“Off so soon?” Dave asks, seems unsurprised, and corners Shelby by the front staircase. She notices his hair is turning gray, no longer matches Shelby’s bright gold shade of blonde.

 

“Just came to see the kids. And to give Mel her gift,” she replies shortly.

 

He gives her a mixture between a scoff and laugh, “The kids? Melody and Spencer haven’t been kids for a long time now, Shelby.”

 

Shelby groans and crosses her arms, reminiscent of her perpetually pissed off teenage years. “Oh please, don’t give me that.” 

 

And her comment makes him take off.

 

“Do you know how much it killed your momma to see you shoppin’ twenty minutes away from this house when she didn’t have the faintest idea you’d moved back?” He starts to raise his voice. “Heartbroken, just heartbroken your momma was.” 

 

Shelby scoffs.

 

“Well, you didn’t exactly make it the easiest place to come home to. The last time we spoke it was pretty clear you were perfectly happy to see me go,” she whisper-shouts, not wanting to draw attention to their growingly heated conversation. Nevertheless, she continues, “With you threatening to send me away, again, for the hundredth time.”

 

It’s true. 

 

Her dad used to threaten her with conversion camp, as if he’d been threatening to take her cellphone away. It would happen when Shelby broke curfew or if she ever argued with her brother— anything really. In his eyes, his daughter’s sexuality was always at the root of the problem.

 

Dave’s ears are turning red at the tip, matching Shelby’s frustration and anger. “You left me no choice! You were out of control,” he tries to justify.

 

“If by ‘out of control’ you mean gay, I still very much am,” Shelby turns towards the front door, opens it. “And I turned out fucking fine, by the way!” 

 

She yells it over her shoulder and then slams the door behind her, doesn’t hear what he has to say after.

 

She doesn’t get to say goodbye to her siblings.

 

… 

 

Shelby drives back home and is aggravated the whole time.

 

Of course, she’s upset about the brief, yet bitter, conversation with her dad, but she’s more upset about the fact that she let herself get so worked up when he’d clearly provoked her. She wanted to be level-headed, mature, and show him how perfectly content she is with her life. Without him it.

 

She hopes the whole house heard their fight and found out what a dick her dad really is. But then, she realizes that would have ruined her sister’s party, making it awkward and tense for everyone who overheard.

 

So, maybe that’s yet another time Shelby’s gone and messed up something she cares about.

 

Toni insists that she meet Shelby at her and Fatin’s apartment, despite Shelby offering to meet at Toni’s, since she’s already out and driving.

 

But, Toni is adamant, so they’re meeting at Shelby’s and Toni’s already on her way. 

 

The actress has never actually been to her and Fatin’s apartment. The two usually hang out at Toni’s or opt for doing something out. So, Shelby takes the opportunity to quickly tidy up and make sure there aren't any dirty cups or plates left out or articles of clothing randomly strewn over the furniture.

 

She also changes out of her dress, not wanting it to seem like she’d put too much effort into her outfit for Toni’s visit. 

 

Checking to make sure Fatin’s alive, she peeks into her room. It appears she’s comatose, tucked under her covers, clearly still recovering from last night. She checks to see if Fatin is breathing, and she is, which is enough for Shelby to assume she’s just fine.

 

Twenty minutes later, Toni’s on the other side of Shelby’s door looking just as nervous as Shelby feels.

 

“Hi,” Toni greets.

 

“Hi,” Shelby repeats back.

 

She isn't entirely sure if she’s meant to be angry or apologetic or just her normal self. Honestly, she’s waiting for Toni to take the lead on this one, as she’s the one who asked to meet.

 

Plus, she’s fucking exhausted from the whole interaction with her dad, the long drive, and being in her family’s home to begin with.

 

Shelby opens the door wide and extends her arm out, gesturing for Toni to step inside. 

 

The brunette does and takes a second to glance around at her surroundings, being that it’s her first time here at Shelby’s. After a few moments of standing hesitantly by the door, Toni apparently gathers her strength and crosses the room to sit down on the couch, wringing her hands together all the way there.

 

“I sometimes say mean things when I’m hurt or angry,” Toni starts, peering up at Shelby who’s slowly making her way over to the living room area. She takes a seat across from Toni on the other end of the couch.

 

Shelby stares at her, waiting for her to continue. 

 

“I’ll say or do whatever it takes to make myself feel better in the moment,” she confesses. It’s surprisingly vulnerable and not at all what Shelby expected her to say.

 

Shelby hums. “Yeah could see that,” is what she replies with some bite, feeling defensive at first. Toni winces the tiniest bit.

 

Shelby immediately feels bad about being on the defensive, since Toni seemed like she’d been trying to have an honest moment. So, she tries to soften the blow and continues, “I also say nasty things. If I ever feel like… like I need to protect myself.” 

 

It’s unfortunately true. Shelby’s fully aware that she has a talent for knowing the exact words to say when she wants to direct the worst blow.

 

Seeing Shelby soften up a bit, Toni relaxes into the couch a bit further.

 

But, the hurt within Shelby comes back up again, as she repeats trying to fuck half of Hollywood and whatever it is you think is going on here over and over in her head. 

 

With her walls starting to come back up, Shelby continues, “Doesn't make it okay for you to act like a complete asshole though.” She stares hard at Toni from her side of the couch.

 

“I know,” Toni then looks down, playing with a loose thread that’s come undone from the sleeve of her sweater. She continues, “I’m sorry. I was being stupid.”

 

Shelby’s not done.

 

“And I’m not sleeping with anyone with the intention of gaining something in return, or whatever the fuck it is you said,” the blonde continues, amped up again and defending herself for the second time today— expect now it’s to Toni, not her father. 

 

Her voice is strong and even, but as the words leave her mouth she feels a bit sick to her stomach, with her heart aching, stinging.

 

Toni widens her eyes, clearly taken aback and is quick to assure Shelby, “Fuck, no. I know.” 

 

Shaking her head incredulously, like she can’t believe she was the one to give that cruel accusation in the first place, Toni says, “Shelby, I would never in a million years think that.” Her eyes beg Shelby to believe her.

 

Toni keeps on, “I, well, I don’t know.” The brunette starts pulling at the loose thread again and doesn't say anything for a long moment, prompting Shelby to believe she’s not going to finish her thought.

 

Eventually, she does continue. Meets Shelby’s eyes and nervously sucks her bottom lip in between her teeth before saying, “I felt threatened or something.” 

 

It feels like a confession, almost.

 

And Shelby isn't sure if Toni’s words are an invitation to bring it up, to bring them up. But, she can’t imagine why else Toni would make that comment if she didn’t have an interest in discussing it. 

 

It’s the elephant in the room, anyways, slowly suffocating all the air out of it.

 

“Why is that?” Shelby pushes. 

 

At this point, she just wants to hear Toni say it. She wants to hear Toni say something, anything, regarding her feelings for Shelby. If she has feelings for Shelby at all.

 

Toni looks at Shelby like she can’t be serious. 

 

Just tilts her head to the side a little and shakes it the slightest bit, silently begging Shelby to not make her say it out loud. Like her answer is obvious, regardless of whether she says it out loud or not. 

 

Shelby doesn’t budge.

 

“You know why,” Toni says. 

 

The words hang heavy. It’s all very heavy: her words, the meaning behind them, and the air filling the room. Toni’s eyes are burning into Shelby’s, who can’t hold eye contact for long— needs to close her eyes for a brief moment, relishing in the moment.

 

She opens her eyes when Toni continues, “And I was. I was jealous.”

 

And the words make Shelby feel a little less insane; like her feelings, which have been so all over the place for months, haven't been entirely one-sided. 

 

She already knew, just knew they weren't, but it’s a relief to hear it. To hear Toni insinuate that she didn’t like seeing Shelby with another woman. To imply it was because of how she feels for her.

 

Knowing Toni’s put a lot out on the line already, Shelby says, “I wanted you to be.”

 

And now it’s kind of out there, sort of. 

 

They stare at each other for a long while, unmoving from their places on the couch.

 

There’s an unexplainable telepathy that comes with longing for another person. A side effect of desire. A surrealism which nobody except those involved can understand. 

 

So, Shelby knows what Toni is feeling. It’s a sadness for what could be. And for what can’t.

 

“I’m sorry,” Toni apologizes, almost a whisper. 

 

Shelby knows that Toni’s apologizing for so much more. Not just for their fight, but for the circumstance they’ve found themselves in. The uncertainty surrounding their relationship and it’s potential consequences; the inevitable consequences which would come from making the transition from a professional relationship to any semblance of a romantic one.

 

They're both so early in their careers— are so hungry for success. Being filled with such incredible potential makes it impossible for them not to take these things into consideration. 

 

It would be irresponsible of them to act on their impulses when they’re both getting so much good from their working relationship—the collaboration they do together. 

 

Shelby gets more and more recognition everyday: her name is showing alongside Toni’s in the press, she receives more emails everyday from magazines and photographers begging her to style for their shoots. Not to mention, Toni gets written about for her style that never misses, it gets her more attention and praise from her fans and press alike.

 

They can’t mess all that up, so early on, for something that may not even work out in the end.

 

It might only last one night, a month, or a few months.

 

It would bring unwanted attention and potentially dismantle something that’s already working and bringing so much good.

 

So, in response to Toni’s deeply layered apology, Shelby simply answers, “Me too.” 

 

They sit for a while, not talking and taking it all in.

 

Shelby looks like she could cry and Toni can’t bear the sight of it, so she scoots closer and brings Shelby into a big hug, wraps her arms tight around her. Toni rests her head on Shelby’s shoulder and they stay put for a few more moments. 

 

Shelby’s never wanted someone and hasn't been able to have them. In fact, it’s always been so easy, so meaningless. This is all so foreign to her, this self control and denial. But, everything with Toni has always been so different than anything she’s ever had with anyone else. It’s just always been different.

 

Shelby gets lost in the scent of Toni’s hair, burying her face further into it, when Toni asks if they're okay.

 

Shelby reassures her that they’re okay.

 

They reluctantly pull away from each other and she knows Toni should leave, it’s what would make this all easier.

 

But, she can’t let her go without affirming it out loud. To make sure they’re on the same page.

 

“I wish we could,” Shelby starts, holding Toni with her eyes, making sure she knows how serious she is. “But, we can’t.”

 

Toni breathes in and gives a few short nods. She doesn't break eye contact, but Shelby can see Toni’s hands move, picking up and pulling at the string of her sleeve again.

 

“I know.” They both accept their fate, knowing they're on the same unfortunate page.

 

Toni leaves shortly after and they hug again at the door, but it’s shorter than their previous one. 

 

Shelby closes the door behind Toni and stands there, just staring, zoned out, looking at the back of the closed door.

 

Fatin comes out of her room looking like a zombie and asks, rather confused, what the fuck Shelby’s doing staring at the door like a crazy person.

 

Shelby answers, “I’ve had a really shitty day.”

 

Notes:

yikes

let me know what you think <3

Chapter 6

Shelby feels… different lately.

 

It’s not so much a bad kind of different as it is, well, a different kind of different. She can’t place it exactly. But, she knows something about her has definitely changed.

 

The other day, she felt the urge to actually read. As in, pick up a physically bound paper copy of a book and flip through the pages kind of read. She couldn't remember the last time she’d read or had any semblance of interest in the activity, but she drove to a bookshop anyways and bought the first novel on the shelf that piqued her interest.

 

She’s also been working. A lot. Has always had a bad habit of overbooking herself and stretching herself way too thin.

 

Earlier this week, she scheduled a crazy busy day: worked on a shoot she’d been hired for that ran from the early hours of the morning until mid-afternoon, had a lunch meeting with the editor of a small magazine, visited a showroom to collect any interesting pieces she could use for future projects, and finished off the night by joining Fatin for dinner at some new restaurant opening Fatin had been invited to.

 

It all sounds very glamorous.

 

But, at the end of the night, Shelby dropped into bed and fell fast asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow— exhausted, drained, and with 0% of her social battery left.

 

It’s not that long ago that Shelby thrived off days like that. 

 

She used to purposefully plan out her week to meticulous perfection. That way, she’d barely have any time for sleep or even a minuscule gap in her schedule to spend the shortest amount of time alone— or alone with her thoughts, that is. 

 

Shelby used to consider sitting in her apartment, all by herself with nothing to do and nobody to talk to, absolute hell. Now, all she wants to be is alone. Truly can’t wait until the minute she gets home, steps into her bedroom, and can finally close the door firmly shut behind her.

 

As of late, she has a headache after one glass of wine, so going out doesn't sound as appealing anymore (as if she hadn’t gone out a few days ago). Not to mention, the idea of staying in to cook dinner and start the book sitting on her bedside table is starting to sound really quite nice.

 

A few days ago, Shelby saw an ad on Instagram for a 30-day juice cleanse, added it to her cart, and paid for the expedited shipping.

 

Ugh, I’m getting fucking old, is a recurring thought lately.

 

In any case, Shelby hasn’t seen Toni since their last, very emotional, interaction in Shelby’s apartment over a week ago. They’re not ignoring each other, but also haven’t necessarily been going out of their way to make plans with one another either.

 

Shelby is, surprisingly, okay with it. Toni has had her best friend, Martha, in town and staying with her for the past week. So, naturally, Toni’s been busy showing Martha all the sights around the city and spending long overdue, quality time together. 

 

Shelby knows how close the pair are and how excited Toni was leading up to her best friend’s visit, so Shelby really hasn’t taken their time apart to heart. She understands it’s not entirely personal.

 

After their unexpectedly candid conversation about their fight, their feelings, and their shared hurt over the situation they’ve found themselves in, Shelby thinks their time apart is probably for the best.

 

Shelby has mixed feelings about it all. 

 

Their last conversation left Shelby confused, drained, but also selfishly happy.

 

Toni’s confession of having feelings for her, or at the very least an attraction towards her, made Shelby feel an overwhelming amount of joy. And how could she not be hopelessly giddy over that revelation?

 

Toni. The person who, despite her best effort, has unrelentlessly, and all consumingly, taken up every inch of Shelby’s thoughts since the very moment she laid fucking eyes on her. 

 

Toni. Who is so in Shelby’s head every fucking second of the goddamn day. 

 

Toni. The woman who is so fiercely passionate, protective, and unabashedly herself. 

 

Toni. The one who’s made a mess of Shelby’s feelings. Feelings which have been bubbling under the surface for so long, but are now starting to spill out and onto everything— making a mess of Shelby’s life.

 

In so few words and heartbreaking stares, Shelby and Toni agreed to a sort of pact, owning the fact that their feelings, and whatever that may lead to, must be put on hold. When Toni left the apartment, Shelby was borderline numb for the next hour, thinking of all the alternative ways she and Toni could have met and could have been together under different circumstances.

 

Just over a week ago, Shelby had been so perfectly content with spending most of her days filled with the sound of Toni’s voice— even if it was just Toni poking fun at her or telling her dumb jokes all day. But now, after everything, Shelby needed the time apart to recuperate and settle back into their old, familiar dynamic. 

 

If that’s what she and Toni could get back to.

 

Thinking about it all has no doubt contributed to Shelby’s all around different mood lately.

 

Anyhow, Shelby’s in the habit of divulging her latest, more mature mindset. Is taking the time to figure out what exactly her predicament is.

 

For all she knows, she could just be getting her fucking period. 

 

Fatin has, unfortunately, been swept up in Shelby’s latest escapade, which is how both women are currently standing at their kitchen counter, holding a ginger and celery juice shot in each hand. 

 

“Why are you making me take one of these nasty ass celery cum shots,” Fatin yells with her face contorted in disgust, already plugging her nose.

 

“They’re not that bad,” Shelby waves her off. “But, I did order them in bulk, so we have to drink one every morning for the next month.”

 

“You. You have to. There is no us,” Fatin looks at her, emphasizing how she wants no part in this random health kick that Shelby’s apparently taken on.

 

“For sure,” Shelby nods unconvincingly. “Okay. Let’s do this,” she says before downing the shot without so much as another chance to think on it. Fatin follows her lead and immediately gags in disgust, throwing the tiny bottle onto the counter like the plastic is burning into her skin just from holding it.

 

Running to get a glass of water, Fatin complains “When did you, all of a sudden, start caring about your health and wellness?” 

 

Shelby rolls her eyes, as Fatin continues her rant, “I’ve seen you drink a handle of vodka in one night and wash it down with an entire pack of cigarettes,” Fatin reminds Shelby of her former, less than healthy, habits.

 

“What kind of evil person thinks this nasty—,” 

 

Shelby cuts her off, “Can you shut the fuck up, please,” she says. She pinches the bridge of her nose because she really can’t handle Fatin’s melodrama this early in the day.

 

Fatin scoffs, “Whatever,” she surrenders and leaves Shelby standing in the kitchen to go to her room.

 

“I needed, like, a change. I don’t know,” Shelby tries to explain herself, but it comes out rather vague and useless, since she herself isn’t even sure what the root of her dilemma is.

 

Fatin turns back around to look at Shelby like she’s grown a second head. “Alrighty then.”

 

… 

 

Though it feels like forever, Selby is seeing Toni for the first time in almost two weeks. 

 

It’s work related, and they’re meeting to hopefully decide on Toni’s look for the premiere of her movie, which is rapidly approaching in just a week's time.

 

Martha is still in town, visiting and staying with Toni, who insists that Martha join today them for the fitting.

 

Embarrassingly enough, Shelby is actually really nervous to meet Martha, who Toni thinks the absolute world of. She’s only ever spoken about Martha with unwavering admiration; has described her as sickeningly sweet, compassionate, and genuinely selfless. All words that Shelby wouldn't exactly use to describe herself, unfortunately.

 

For some reason, she really really wants to impress Martha, and get along with someone who Toni thinks so highly of and considers to be family. 

 

Just thinking about the first impression she’s about to leave, and of seeing Toni again, has Shelby reeling in nerves.

 

But, as it turns out, there was almost nothing to be nervous about, as Martha is every bit as lovely as Toni has described. She greets Shelby with a big hug, says she’s heard so much about her, and asks Shelby questions about herself like she’s genuinely interested in hearing the answers.

 

And although Toni and Shelby don’t hug when they see each other, they do offer up shy smiles, and it hits Shelby that she really has missed her so fucking much.

 

“Toni, what the hell!” Martha exclaims as all three of them get handed glasses of champagne, “This is so fancy.” 

 

It actually is really fancy, since they’re currently at the glitzy showroom of the designer who’s dressing Toni for the big premiere. There’s a big diamond chandelier hanging over their heads and plush seating all around. Not to mention, they’re surrounded by gorgeous clothes all along each wall: gowns, three piece suits, shoes, accessories. 

 

Shelby’s basically in Heaven.

 

“Yeah, this is pretty crazy,” Shelby agrees and giggles just from hearing Martha’s giddy excitement. She's clearly impressed and enjoys seeing her best friend in this new and fun environment. 

 

Toni also laughs, but the actress pairs her laughter with a slight cringe, presumably from the over-the-top extravagance of it all.

 

“I swear it isn’t always like this, Marty,” Toni reassures, and looks over at Shelby, prompting her to agree.

 

Shelby gets the hint.

 

“Oh, yeah. I usually just haul a bunch of clothes over to Toni’s,” she explains to Martha. “But, this designer really wanted to dress her for the premier and we thought it was a good match.”

 

Martha smiles, “This is just so cool,” she says, looking around and taking it all in. She reaches over to grab at Toni’s cheek, “My little Toni,” Martha chides before Toni groans and playfully swats her hand away.

 

They spend a long time watching Toni try on different pieces. Carefully picking apart each one, comparing what they like and don’t like, before finally deciding on something they all love — the look is actual perfection on Toni.

 

Time goes by especially fast because, as it turns out, Shelby does get along incredibly well with Martha, and is quite content hearing Toni and Martha spar back and forth over stories from their childhood. Based on some of the conversation, Shelby gathers that Toni must have lived with Martha and her family for a time when they were teenagers. 

 

Once the seamstress gets Toni’s measurement to properly tailor the pieces, they’re nearly ready to leave. But, Toni and Martha announce that they both need to use the restroom before heading out. 

 

This leaves Shelby alone and perched on the couch, which she and Martha have been sat on for most of the day, waiting for the pair to return.

 

Shelby’s phone is placed, screen facing up, right next to her thigh on the couch, and she gently taps on the screen to check the time.

 

Confused at first, it takes Shelby a second to realize that the phone she’s looking at isn't actually her’s. 

 

It’s Toni’s. And she really doesn’t mean to be snooping, genuinely thought the phone was her’s to begin with. But, she sees a text displayed on the screen and is reading it before she even realizes.

 

It’s a text from Martha, sent over an hour ago. 

 

well i can see why u like shelby so much… ur right, she’s so pretty!! 

 

i think u should tell her how u feel

 

Shelby’s staring down the phone with the absolute goofiest, brightest grin on her face. 

 

She can only hear her heartbeat drumming loudly in her ears. There's chit chat, voices in the background, and people walking around, but the noise drowns out into a soft buzz, as she reads the words on the screen over and over and over again, committing them to memory.

 

She’s bites down hard on her lip, to keep the smile at bay, and reminds herself to breathe, as she needs to calm down before she gets caught reading the message, which she was definitely not meant to see. Managing to peel her eyes off of Toni’s screen, she grabs her own phone from her bag and pretends to appear busy, refreshing her email even though she knows nothing new is sitting in her inbox.

 

When Toni and Martha return, Toni reaches for her phone, but shoves it in her pocket instantly after checking it. She quickly glances at Shelby, then at Martha, and rubs her hands nervously on her jeans.

 

Martha perks up, “Shelby, we were just talking about lunch. Are you joining us?” She’s practically bouncing on her feet, looking expectantly at Shelby for her answer.

 

“Oh, um,” Shelby starts, but quickly looks over at Toni and shrugs her shoulders, awkwardly waiting for her to say if it’s okay, not that she has to. Toni looks surprised, but nods her head enthusiastically, “Yeah, yeah of course you're coming.”

 

But, as soon as Shelby hears Toni start to say “yeah,” Shelby goes to finish her sentence and blurts out “Yeah, I’ll come,” at the same time. Their sentences overlap and interrupt the other.

 

And while Shelby suddenly feels incredibly awkward, Martha looks like she’s enjoying every second of this interaction. And once again, she surprises them both by saying, “And I’ll ride with Shelby. I’ve spent way too much time with you this week, Toni.” 

 

Martha looks over at Shelby and asks to make sure, “Shelby, is that alright with you?”

 

Toni’s cheeks heat up and she shoots a death glare over at Martha, while Shelby assures her that it’s perfectly fine with her. 

 

And Shelby really doesn't have much time to think on it because before she knows it, she and Martha are loading into her car just a few minutes later. Meanwhile, Toni is alone across the lot, getting into her own car.

 

The radio plays lightly in the background, as Shelby starts the car and pulls out of the lot, her and Martha making small talk all the while.

 

“Well, that was fun. Thanks for letting me tag along,” Martha says politely.

 

“Of course, I’m so happy I finally got to meet you. Toni’s always telling me stories about the two of you.”

 

Martha lets out a small laugh, but looks out the window for a few seconds before clearing her throat. “Honestly, with everything we’ve been through, Toni is more like my sister really. And she’s like a daughter to my mom too.”

 

Hearing that warms Shelby’s heart, and she takes her eyes off the road to smile sweetly at Martha, “It’s really nice seeing how close you guys are.”

 

Martha nods proudly and matches her smile, “Well, I’m glad she has you now too. I know how close you guys have become and it’s nice seeing that Toni has someone… good here with her.”

 

Shelby’s read Martha’s text from Toni’s phone earlier and knows Martha knows something is going on between her and Toni, whatever the fuck that something even is. So, it makes Shelby wonder if she’s giving the compliment because she genuinely means it, or if she’s implying that she’s just good for Toni. 

 

“I have to say, I’m kind of amazed. Toni doesn't usually let people in very easily,” Martha says incredulously.

 

“Oh, yeah. We clicked pretty instantly, I guess.”

 

Martha clears her throat, “Toni has, uh, a hard time letting people in. And it’s understandable, you know with the circumstances she grew up in,” Martha says. “But once you’re in her little circle of trust, it’s just the greatest feeling in the world.”

 

“Yeah, I’m starting to see that a little,” Shelby hums, still smiling.

 

“Toni is… so loyal. And protective of the people she cares about. She had it rough growing up and we took her in at a time when things were looking really low for her.  She’d been getting into a lot of trouble back then. And even though my family’s always loved Toni and we moved her in without a second thought, she always saw herself as a sort of burden.”

 

Martha takes a shaky breath before she continues, “Don’t tell Toni I said this, but she sends my mom a check in the mail every few months. She started sending them after she’d done a few movies, like she was indebted to my family somehow. Just because we cared about her.” 

 

Martha’s words pretty much knock the breath right out of Shelby, and she listens intently to her every word, as Toni follows in the car just behind them.

 

Martha pauses again to shake her head in disbelief, “What’s crazy is that it’s been so many years and a check will still show up every so often. Of course, Toni’s never even mentioned it to me; I found out from my mom,” Martha confesses.

 

She finishes and looks over to Shelby, presumably to gauge her reaction. She’s incredibly moved, and a bit shocked, after hearing what Martha’s divulged on Toni’s behalf. 

 

“Oh wow, I… no, didn't know any of that.”

 

Hearing Martha rave about the kind, compassionate person that Toni is comes as no surprise to Shelby because she’s seen Toni’s incredible heart first hand. 

 

What surprises Shelby, and leaves her worried, is the extent to which Toni doesn’t believe it herself. 

 

It simply doesn't sound right to describe Toni as someone who’s battled with so much anger. 

 

Not Toni, who’s so unforgivably herself, and gives into her emotions without reservation or fear. Is unashamed in things like her background and what she’s feeling— hell, the culmination of it translates so beautifully into her work, she uses it all as inspiration in her performance, her art. Toni turned her ugly experiences into something beautiful for the world to see and enjoy. 

 

Actually, a reserved, guarded person is how Shelby would describe herself. 

 

The fact that Shelby managed to break free from a time in her life spent scared and living a lie in Texas doesn't make her feel free. Quite the opposite, it’s made her more guarded and protective of herself and her heart. It’s made her understand that there are bad people in the world and that she’ll do whatever it takes to protect herself from them.

 

Unlike Toni, Shelby’s job, the manipulation of clothing and dress, presents her with the unique opportunity of hiding behind whatever persona she’s crafted for the day. She creates beauty and art in her own right, but it comes from a place of escapement, as opposed to release and expression.

 

It’s a strange thing to think about. 

 

Self reflecting on the components that make up your life, how they came to be in the first place, and why they still remain.

 

But, that’s a grueling and off-putting opportunity for self reflection meant for another time. So, Shelby focuses on the road in front of her and Martha in her passenger seat.

 

“Maybe don’t tell Toni I said all that. She’ll either get really embarrassed or a really inflated ego,” Martha laughs.

 

“Secrets safe with me,” Shelby assures her. “But, thanks for telling me all that. I guess it’s, um, nice to know.”

 

They pull into the parking lot of the little cafe and before they get off the car, Martha says brightly, “I’m so fucking happy I got to meet you.”

 

…

 

A few days after the fitting, Martha goes back home and Shelby ends up seeing Toni that same night.

 

It’s now the weekend and Shelby truly had every intention of staying in to watch a really shitty reality show and to hopefully go to bed at a decent hour. It’s been weeks since she’s gotten a good night's sleep— too much worrying, and more tossing and turning than usual. 

 

She still feels different.

 

Sprawled out across the couch with the TV playing in the background, it would seem like Shelby’s entirely enthralled by the show playing up on the screen. However, she’s not actually watching at all, is just kind of staring at the screen, with her head somewhere else completely.

 

Somewhere else, meaning her thoughts are still wrapped around Toni. Shelby’s extremely curious of what Toni’s plans for tonight are— is Toni out or did she also decide to stay in tonight. If she’s out, who with and where.

 

Eventually, Shelby’s mind wanders back into her memory and begins to think of Toni’s permanently unkempt waves, the dimples that appear when she’s smiling her very biggest smile, and most of all, her smell. 

 

God, Shelby loves her smell. It’s so distinctly Toni, a harmonious blend of clean and woody and perfect and fuck, it’s fucking everything.

 

Then like magic, or maybe Shelby just thinks about her that much that it isn't too much of a coincidence, Toni texts her.

 

are you awake

 

She replies pretty immediately.

 

yes lol why

 

Hardly a few seconds after the message goes through, Shelby’s phone starts to ring with Toni’s name flashing across the screen. It’s already pretty late. And Shelby suspects Toni’s been drinking if she’s randomly calling at this time of night. It’s not something she’d typically do.

 

“Yes?” Shelby answers, an involuntary smile pulling at the corner of her lips.

 

“What are you doing?” Toni speaks into the other end of the phone, her voice slurring the tiniest bit and the inflection of her words are off, giving away that she has indeed been drinking, and proving Shelby’s suspicion correct. 

 

Shelby can’t help but laugh loudly into the phone, “Toni, are you drunk calling me?” She says it with feigned shock, can’t help but poke just a little fun at a drunk Toni.

 

Toni groans, “You’re such a brat.” 

 

Shelby laughs again and she can hear Toni trying to stifle a chuckle on her side. Toni attempts and fails to keep up her annoyed charade, despite her being the one to call Shelby. Eventually, her groans and nonsensical complaints are followed by “Please, come over,” and before Shelby has time to think about it, she’s getting into her car and is already driving the familiar route to Toni’s.

 

Any doubts Shelby may have had about Toni drinking are subsequently thrown out the metaphorical window, because once Shelby sees her, it’s very clear that Toni is, in fact, very tipsy.

 

Toni skips an actual greeting and opts for a big hiccup instead, following it up with saying “You took ages to get here.”

 

“I literally left as soon as you called me,” Shelby shoots back, “You just have no perception of time,” she chides.

 

As Shelby steps through into the apartment, she quickly examines Toni, checking for any clues that may tip off what Toni was up to tonight. The way she’s dressed definitely leads Shelby to believe that she’s been out somewhere.

 

Once they’ve both settled onto the couch, Shelby strangely begins to feel a bit shy. It’s been a while since they’ve properly hung out, just the two of them, and  Shelby’s missed the familiar setting of being sat comfortably on the couch across from a casual Toni.

 

“So, what did you get up to tonight”?” Shelby finally asks.

 

“Nothing crazy. I just went out with my friend, Dot. Happy hour turned into, like four hours,” Toni says, before letting out a dramatic gasp and reaching her hands all around the couch in a frenzy for, what Shelby assumes is, her phone.

 

“Shelby,”  Toni says very seriously, “McDonald’s. I need McDonald’s right fucking now.”

 

She finally finds her phone under the cushion and wastes no time in pulling up the app to order her food delivery. 

 

“What do you want?” Toni asks, distractedly scrolling and adding a shit ton of chicken nuggets and sauce to her order. 

 

“Nothing for me, you psycho” Shelby laughs, looking at Toni amusedly once she’s finished placing the order. 

 

They talk, catch up, and pretend the reason they haven’t been hanging out as much as they used to is because they’ve been busy. Not because they've mutually had to take a step back for each of their own emotional sakes. 

 

Toni talks about everything she and Martha did while she was in town; rambles on for a while because she’s still tipsy. She’s speaking slowly and keeps jumping from one topic to the next before she barely finishes a thought. But, Shelby just leans back into the cushions and listens fondly because she’s missed this and she’s missed being with Toni in this apartment.

 

Once her food arrives, Toni miraculously manages to scarf it all down in a matter of minutes.

 

“Sorry,” she says, embarrassed about the mess of fast food. Shelby just laughs and assures her it’s alright, that a night of drinking isn't complete without the obligatory McDonald’s nightcap.

 

She quickly clears the mess of sauce, forgotten fries, and paper bags littered all along the coffee table. 

 

Once Toni’s rejoined her on the couch, Shelby says, “Thanks for the drunk call. And for asking me to come over to watch you stuff your face.”

 

But, before Toni can say anything to that, Shelby quickly clears her throat and says, “I’ve really missed you.”

 

Toni smiles at that and shifts to grab the pillow from behind her back, placing it on her lap to play with its hanging tassels. She huffs out a long sigh and meets Shelby’s eyes. They’re still a bit hazy from the alcohol, but she seems more sobered up from the food.

 

“I actually called cause I was… really fucking sad,” Toni whispers.

 

“Oh, Toni,” Shelby starts. “What happened?” It’s not what Shelby expected to hear from Toni. And suddenly, the playful mood between them has shifted so quickly; Shelby’s gone from overjoyed to incredibly worried in the matter of an instant.

 

“You know how I’ve mentioned before that my mom calls me sometimes,” Toni says. Shelby nods and waits for her to continue.

 

“Well, I never answer or anything since I know I’ll probably lose it on her. And that’s just not something I’m interested in doing, like for either of our sakes.”

 

She takes a brief second to look at Shelby, perhaps gathering the strength to continue divulging her vulnerabilities. 

 

“It’s just that Marty left earlier today and once she was gone, I started to feel really fucking weird and insecure about family, whatever the fuck that word even means,” Toni’s breath catches in her throat. Shelby’s heart slowly shatters, coming apart at the seams, as she sees the tears forming in Toni’s big brown eyes. 

 

“I did something really stupid and listened to all the voicemails I’ve piled up from every time I decline one of mom’s calls. There were dozens, but I listened to them all,” Toni mumbles. 

 

Shelby scoots along the couch and grabs hard at Toni’s hand, letting her know that she’s here and listening; that she cares. It briefly crosses her mind that she hasn't cared about anything this much in a long time.

 

In an instant, Toni's face crumples and the tears she’d been keeping at bay begin to fall down her cheeks. 

 

“Why does everybody always let me down,” Toni whispers and the tears start falling freely, down over her chin and onto the shirt she’s wearing. It leaves Shelby heartbroken to see and it, quite frankly, leaves her a bit shocked, as well. Because between the two of them, Shelby’s always been more likely to succumb to her emotions. It’s all wrong seeing Toni hurt and upset like this, as Shelby sees Toni as so free and so sure of herself always.

 

It’s then, she remembers what Martha told her about Toni’s past: her anger, her bitterness at the world. But she also thinks about how Toni’s worked to overcome it and how she is so loved by so many, like Martha and her family, Rachel, and Shelby herself.

 

“It’s always been so easy to leave me,” Toni mumbles and cries even harder, while harshly wiping the tears away from her cheeks.

 

And Shelby can’t take seeing her like this, saying these things that are too sad and awful to be true. That Toni would ever believe any of it makes Shelby absolutely sick to her stomach. She closes the distance between them and pulls Toni into her arms. Squeezes her so tight and hopes she feels every bit of unwavering adoration that Shelby has for her.

 

She rubs Toni’s back up and down, letting her cry into the crook of her neck and soak her shirt in tears. She tries to comfort her the best she can, mumbling into her ear that she’s okay and that Shelby’s here, she won’t leave.

 

She starts to calm down the slightest bit, so Shelby begins to pull away, so Toni can see her eyes and the  conviction behind them when she says, “Toni. Leaving you is the biggest mistake anyone can make.”

 

Toni tries to roll her amidst the mess of cloudy tears, but Shelby isn’t having it. 

 

“I’m serious, Toni. You’re the most extraordinary person I’ve ever met.”

 

And there’s so much sincerity behind the words and behind Shelby’s hard stare, that Toni seems to believe her. The brunette falls back into Shelby’s embrace, but this time, it’s her wrapping her arms around Shelby’s frame. 

 

“Promise you’ll never hurt me,” Toni whispers into Shelby’s hair.

 

The words are gut wrenching in two parts. One, because Toni has endured enough to ask her of this in the first place. And two, because Shelby’s not entirely sure she can keep that promise.

 

Shelby’s mouth runs bone dry; tries to process what Toni’s asking of her.

 

Her track record isn’t great and knows she’s entirely capable of hurting someone she cares for. It’s happened in the past, deeply, cruelly, and selfishly. And while she knows she’d never want to hurt Toni, she’s scared to break this promise and be yet another person who’s miserably let her down.

 

So, Shelby tweaks the promise and whispers back, “I promise I’ll never try to hurt you.” She breathes out and swears to herself that she'll be someone good for Toni and never add any more pain to her life.

 

They sit for a little, holding each other, as Toni’s breathing evens out and the stream of tears eventually runs dry. 

 

Once she’s calmed down, Toni thoroughly rubs at her cheeks and eyes, until she’s even more red in the face. Letting out a shaky sigh, she pulls away from Shelby entirely and groans, “I’m really drunk.”

 

However, Shelby doesn’t think Toni’s all that drunk. Thinks that maybe she wants to blame drinking on the reason behind all her tears.

 

“That’s okay,” Shelby reassures her.

 

Toni looks like she might cry again, “I, uh, actually don’t feel very well.” She begins to slowly stand up from the couch, and Shelby stands up with her, “I think I need to lie down.” 

 

Toni wavers on her feet, so Shelby reaches out to steady her by the arm. 

 

“Are you okay, do you need help getting to bed?” Shelby asks, and wants to help. 

 

“I’m fine,” Toni offers her a small smile. “I’m going to shower quickly.”

 

Shelby doesn't exactly know if that’s an invitation for her to stay and wait, or if she’s meant to head out now. 

 

Before she can clarify, Toni leaves her standing in the living room and heads into the bathroom without another word. She accidentally leaves the door a bit ajar behind her, but Shelby hears the water turn on.

 

She wants to make sure that Toni gets to bed okay, so she decides to busy herself by pouring Toni a big glass of water and searching through the cabinets for some meds Toni can take before falling asleep. 

 

After she finds what she needs, she sits and scrolls through her phone, waiting patiently on the couch for Toni to finish showering. It’s not long before the water shuts off and Shelby hears the sound of drawers opening and closing, Toni busying herself in the bathroom.

 

And Shelby doesn't mean to, she really doesn't, but for some reason she glances towards the open bathroom door; does it without any reason or second thought. 

 

She forgot the door was cracked open at all. And while she didn’t have any intention behind looking up from her phone and towards the bathroom, she sees that Toni’s already looking back at her through the reflection in the bathroom mirror.

 

Toni stares at Shelby through the mirror, which directly faces Shelby’s spot on the couch, and they proceed to hold each other’s gaze through the glass reflection— green meets brown. And while either woman is in a different room, they remain connected through the mirror fitting both of their unmoving reflections.

 

Shelby’s mouth is slightly parted and dry, watching Toni wrapped up in her towel, slowly grabbing things on the counter with her eyes still in a vice grip on Shelby’s. For the most part, Shelby’s head is mostly empty at the moment, lest for her transfixion on Toni’s reflection. Every instinct within her is pleading for her to look down and take in Toni’s poorly dried, scantily covered body.

 

However, her mind reboots like an old car battery being brought back to life, once Toni clears her throat and Shelby thinks she hears Toni say, “I’m gonna get dressed.”

 

And Shelby can’t actually comprehend why Toni announces it like that or why she bothers to announce it all. Now come to think of it, Shelby doesn't know why she’s still here, and thinks she should probably go home.

 

“Okay,” Shelby says. 

 

Toni breaks their eye contact through the mirror and briefly catches her eye again, as she walks past a confused Shelby and up the staircase to her lofted bedroom. 

 

Shelby wonders if Toni was, in an underhanded way, asking Shelby to follow her up to her room. She thinks about that for a minute, and the proposition of following a towel-clad Toni up to her room where she’s meant to be changing.

 

What the fuck is happening right now.

 

Initially, Shelby admittedly got a bit confused when Toni asked, and is now too lost in thought and debate over what Toni meant. She feels like the moment’s kind of passed and doesn't want to ask Toni about it.

 

She hears enough shuffling above her and enough time has passed that Shelby knows Toni is dressed by now. Shelby decides it’s safe to bring her the water glass and a couple pills. 

 

So, Shelby timidly walks up the staircase to Toni’s bedroom, where Toni has indeed already changed and is pulling back the covers to her bed.

 

“Brought you this,” Shelby announces with her hands full.

 

“Thanks, Toni smiles. “I think I’m… more tipsy than I thought I was.”

 

“It’s okay. I’ll just tuck you in and head home.”

 

“I’m really sorry about crying earlier,” Toni feels the need to explain. “I’ve been trying not to think about the stuff with my mom, and I don't know, I guess it all kind of all came to the surface.”

 

Shelby shakes her head, “No need to apologize. You can call anytime you need a good crying session.” 

 

While she tries to make the offer light hearted, the sentiment is entirely serious.

 

Shelby makes Toni swallow the pills and drink a good few chugs of water before she playfully tucks her into the covers. She uses her hands to thoroughly squish them into and under her sides. The movement makes Toni laugh and yell out that she’s ticklish, she also tries to slap Shelby’s hands away.

 

Before she leaves, Shelby gives Toni a quick kiss on the cheek. 

 

It’s a recurring theme of the night for Shelby to feel shy, so she instantly gets nervous about the fact she’s  just pecked Toni’s cheek when they’ve literally never done that. 

 

She makes it a point not to make her lips linger for any length of time and pull away quick enough to not check for Toni’s reaction. So, Shelby does it and then quickly bids her goodnight, leaving Toni tucked in bed before she can register the bright pink flush that’s spreading violently across Toni’s cheeks.

 

For the rest of the drive home and long after Shelby gets into her own bed, Shelby replays everything from tonight: Toni’s sadness and tears, her goofiness and late night munchies, and the staggering reflection of warm brown eyes.

 

It’s always like this when they part ways. 

 

God, Shelby feels like a fucking obsessed maniac. 

 

Lately, she can barely fucking focus on anything because Toni is subconsciously running through the back of her mind basically every minute of the day. 

 

Shelby thinks she’s going absolutely crazy, considers the fact that she needs serious help, but then remembers that this is what having a crush feels like. 

 

It seems rather silly, being that she’s a fully grown adult because crushes seem so frivolous and fleeting. A brief rush of emotion that only happens to children in grade school. Maybe phrases like ‘besotted’ or ‘taken with’ are a bit more appropriate. She’s not sure.

 

Shelby always had crushes growing up. 

 

In fact, she had a new one every few months, who she’d fantasize about until her lovesick self moved onto the next pretty girl. At the time, her crushes were cherished secrets, which she’d desperately cling onto since she thought the only times she would ever love freely were during the daydreams trapped within the confines of her mind.

 

It’s a stark contrast to now, where Shelby doesn't even consider herself to be a romantic, and even less a hopeless one. 

 

Shelby thinks about how she’s been feeling different lately. 

 

She cringes internally at how she thought a stupid fucking juice cleanse and buying a dumb fucking book would help her come to enlightenment. That they’d help her see what’s so clearly the reason behind it all.

 

But, she thinks she knows now.

 

And again, Shelby refuses association with the term ‘hopeless romantic.’ Or a hopeless anything. But, she does have a confession, and it’s one she’s kept hidden from herself for quite some time now.

 

Shelby must admit, albeit reluctantly, that she has been hopelessly falling for Toni Shalifoe.

 

And that maybe the reason she feels so different lately is because she’s in love for the first time.

 

Maybe.

 

Notes:

sorry this one was sad lol but i have a feeling you guys will like the next chapter

kisses as always and thank you to everyone who comments ily

Chapter 7

Notes:

song for the chapter: shut up kiss me by angel olsen

peep the song title

After tonight, Toni Shalifoe will be a certified moviestar.

 

At last, it’s the night of her eminent movie premiere, which has come just a few days after the night Shelby spent looking after a drunk and very emotional Toni. More specifically, the premiere is in two short hectic hours. And tonight, Toni will be walking down the red carpet for her starring role in one of the year’s most anticipated films—  all eyes on her.  

 

It’s pretty fucking insane to think about. 

 

Ever since she first met Toni all those months ago, in that little random coffee shop, Shelby’s had this specific date marked in her calendar. Now it’s finally here, and Shelby feels like so much has changed, so much has happened, since that moment she was first taken a chance on and entrusted by Toni. 

 

Shelby could never have predicted the winding, at times complicated, yet deeply sincere relationship she’d come to forge with her.

 

First, the woman who was meant to be her boss turned out to be an amazing friend. And at the time, Toni was exactly the person Shelby needed. She was leaving behind a life she loved to move back home and start anew, a time clouded in uncertainty and unadmitted fear. But, Toni was there to remind her what it was like to just… breathe. 

 

Along the way, Shelby would come to experience the beautiful and freeing feeling of caring for someone outside of herself; of not being entirely self-absorbed at all times, alone with the weight of the world. Now, the woman who was meant to be a stepping-stone in her climb to success has taken on an entirely unexpected role. One that Shelby can't quite define or exactly put her finger on. 

 

And it sounds so cheesy, and borderline melodramatic, but Shelby feels like knowing Toni is a specific moment in her life. 

 

It’s like she knows that one day she’ll look back at this time and understand that the period of having Toni in her life was entirely foundational to who she is at the core. It’s strange to frame it this way, but Shelby can actually pinpoint the presence of Toni in her life, as if she’s looking back into a memory, except it’s happening now in real time. 

 

It feels like Toni is important. And irreplaceable because nobody else in the entirety of the universe could ever have the capability of affecting her so deeply.

 

It makes the possibility of losing her terrifying. 

 

And, of course, Shelby is built on self doubt and hidden insecurities, covered up by enviable beauty and an outwardly fabulous life. Not to mention, the regret that creeps up from her past actions still plagues her mind constantly. The intrusive thoughts that leave her a doubtful, confused mess tell her that she’s entirely capable of destroying it all and losing Toni before she even really has her. Even if in her own head, Toni is selfishly hers.

 

But, what she feels right now is pride and excitement, as the rush of getting Toni prepared and ready for the long night ahead of them begins. A team of people are currently buzzing about Toni’s place, which feels particularly cramped right now given the apartment’s small size. 

 

The hair and makeup fairies (Toni calls them fairies because they work magic, swiftly appear out of nowhere, and can really fucking annoy her sometimes) are here and just started working on Toni’s makeup. Meaning, Shelby has over an hour before she’s meant to get Toni changed into her outfit and Rachel has been so stressed leading up to today, that they’re both now free and willing to decompress for the time being. 

 

Once Toni’s sat in the makeup chair stationed in her living room, right on schedule, Rachel takes a deep breath in and out, “How are you feeling?” she asks Toni.

 

“I’m all good,” Toni replies, sounding drastically more relaxed than Rachel does at the moment.

 

“You’re not nervous? Because it’s okay to be nervous.”

 

“Rach, I’m fine,” Toni assures her. “I mean, my part’s over with. I love the film and gave it my all, so it’s already more than a success in my eyes. Who cares what anybody else thinks. I’ve got the whole smiling and posing thing down, so I’m good there. Now, the only remotely stressful thing I have to worry about is my speech before the film starts.”

 

“Great. So you practiced your speech,” Rachel says leadingly. 

 

Toni shrugs her shoulders indifferently, “Nah, I’m just going to wing it.”

 

Shelby chimes in, “You’re going to wing it? Really, tonight?” She raises an eyebrow to imply that publicly speaking to a theater of over a hundred people on a whim isn’t exactly the best idea.

 

“Yes, Shelby. It’ll be impromptu,” she says proudly and makes a hand gesture on ‘impromptu’ to add extra emphasis to it. 

 

Shelby’s ability to quip back embarrassingly fails because when Toni says her name like that, gravelly and deep, she has the gross habit of short circuiting entirely. 

 

However, Shelby doesn't get the chance to say anything at all before Rachel lets out a loud exasperated groan, tipping her head back to look straight up at the ceiling

 

“Fucking typical,” Rachel mumbles out.

 

It takes Rachel a few deep breaths to regather and reshift her energy, evidently deciding to not let this detail add any further stress and potentially damper this otherwise celebratory night.

 

So, Rachel steps behind Toni while the makeup fairies are still at work, having been snickering at the trio’s conversation this whole time. Rachel stands behind the chair to gently squeeze at Toni’s shoulders. She looks over at Shelby, “You know what? Tonight’s for celebrating, I’m done stressing. And you’re right, fuck what the critics have to say,” Rachel says proudly.

 

Shelby beams at Rachel and loudly repeats, “Fuck ‘em.” 

 

“Fuck ‘em all,” Toni laughs and echoes for a third time, as her face gets repeatedly painted and powdered.

 

… 

 

The time has come and Toni is all dressed and ready to go— she looks positively, breathtakingly stunning.

 

The glam fairies are packing up to go home and Rachel’s on the phone with the car service that’s taking them to the theater. So, Shelby and Toni have a brief moment of respite alone.

 

“You look amazing, superstar,” Shelby tells her. The blonde dawns a little smirk, as she stands in front of Toni and meticulously straightens out her collar.

 

Toni rolls her eyes, but smiles back regardless. She briefly hums and stubbornly replies, “Thanks to you.”

 

It’s true: Toni does look amazing. And apart from her effortless beauty and ability to pull anything off regardless, the execution of tonight’s look is kind of, sort of, thanks to Shelby. 

 

Truth be told, not just anybody gets a personalized invitation to hand pick a customized fucking Fendi suit— but, Toni did. And a large part of it all comes down to the past five months of Shelby strategically dressing her with the intention of catching the attention of certain brands. Not to mention, networking her goddamn ass off and letting every fashion person she meets know that she’s Toni Shalifoe’s stylist and they would love to work with their brand for any upcoming events.  

 

It's led to now, with Toni in an all white suit, personalized to perfection. 

 

They’d finally chosen the ensemble, a bit last minute, the day Martha had joined them for the fitting, but Shelby just couldn't find the right look prior to that. And it absolutely needed to be perfect. 

 

Toni’s hair is in it’s signature messy waves and it looks perfectly unbrushed, despite the good hour spent styling and replicating its unkempt look. Her dark hair is a stark contrast to the rest of her, a true vision in white. She’s the perfect mix of edgy, sexy, and Toni . She stands tall in a pair of heels and looks perfectly confident— like she knows it’s her night for the taking and she fits into the role of leading lady effortlessly.

 

Shelby takes a step back to examine and secretly admire her, double checking that she’s ready to go.

 

“Well, I think you’re all set,” Shelby can’t contain her smile, is just so happy for Toni, and excited for tonight, that she can’t contain the words. So, she doesn't. 

 

Shelby exhales and tells her, “I’m proud of you. And I haven't even seen the movie yet, but I already know you’re fucking fantastic in it.” 

 

She reaches out and rubs Toni’s arms up and down, smooth and comforting, before she continues, “And you better not make me cry. I’m spending way too much time on my makeup for that,” she finishes playfully and squeezes the tops of Toni’s arms before dropping them.

 

Toni laughs, “No promises.” 

 

Toni quickly glances over to Rachel, who’s still on the phone, before meeting Shelby’s eyes again, “I didn't get to thank you again for your help last week,” she says shyly. “I was seriously messed up and you were there when I needed someone to vent to. Literally to just let me cry and be sad, I guess,” she finishes unsurely, shrugging her shoulders.

 

Shelby remembers Toni’s pain-stricken brown eyes and the warm tears that had soaked through her shirt and into the crook of her neck.

 

“You don’t need to thank me, but you’re welcome,” Shelby says. “And anyways, you’re the one I should be thanking. I can’t believe you scored me an invite for tonight. Pretty exciting stuff, my first Hollywood premiere,” she thanks Toni in return, accompanied by a wiggle of her eyebrows.

 

Truthfully, Shelby hadn't been entirely sure if Toni would invite her tonight. 

 

Of course, Shelby wanted nothing more than to sit in a big fancy theater, all dressed up, surrounded by people equally as in awe of Toni up on the big screen. But, with the lingering tension and tip-toeing around one another for the past few weeks, Shelby couldn't be sure if Toni wanted her there in the same. 

 

So, when Toni officially extended the invite, Shelby was thrilled and admittedly relieved.

 

“Of course, I want you there,” Toni says, like it’s the most obvious fucking thing in the world. “I need you next to me the whole night if I’m meant to stay sane.”

 

Toni brightly smiles at her, and Shelby swoons.

 

…

 

Shelby opts for getting ready at her respective apartment and says she’ll meet Toni and Rachel at the theater. Getting all dolled up at Toni’s would’ve just been a distraction from focusing all her efforts on preparing Toni and her look. And besides, she doesn't need to get there so early. Premieres are abundantly less glamorous than they’re made out to seem to the general public— there’s a lot of waiting around and even more sweating since it’s so fucking hot both in and outside of each venue. 

 

Shelby’s wearing a floor length black dress that’s incredibly elegant, yet simple. Her curves are perfectly hugged and the slit that sits high-up up on her thigh allows for her right leg to cheekily peak through. 

 

While tonight’s not about her in the slightest, it’s in Shelby’s nature to dress up and want to be asked ‘i love your dress, who’s it by?'

 

It’s an inevitable byproduct of working for the shallow industry she’s found herself in.

 

So, with blonde waves cascading down her back and the dress to show for it, Shelby looks and feels confident. Feels beautiful.

 

Unfortunately, she’s running really fucking late, and the L.A. rush hour traffic doesn’t help. Stuck in her uber on the freeway, Shelby’s just hoping to make it to the theater in time to hear Toni’s speech. Most certainly wants to arrive in time to properly find her seat before the film starts, so she’s not awkwardly excusing herself through rows of people in a pitch dark room. 

 

Thankfully, she makes it with a few minutes to spare before Toni and the director are meant to speak. 

 

The venue is impressive. It’s an incredibly decadent building with beautiful art and intricate detailing all throughout. 

 

But, the grandioseness of it all makes Shelby feel a bit out of place. She promptly receives her seat assignment from the ushers and scans through the impeccably dressed crowd, in hopes of finding a familiar face. 

 

She quickly spots Rachel, who’s sat in an upfront row, and scurries over to quickly say hello. Rachel’s chatting to what looks like intimidating industry people when Shelby calls out her name to grab her attention.

 

“Hey!” Rachel greets back and has to yell over the chatter in order for Shelby to hear her.

 

“You’re next to me,” she informs Shelby, patting the vacant seat to her left.

 

Confused at first, Shelby looks down at the paper she’d been handed. 

 

"Oh, really?" she asks, puzzled.

 

For some reason, Shelby finds her seat assignment odd and definitely not at all what she’d predicted. She was expecting a seat at the back of the theater, maybe even up on the top deck. 

 

Surely, she’s not important enough to be sat all the way up here, where every row is filled with the actors Shelby knows are in the film and other sickeningly gorgeous celebrities. However, the number on her ticket doesn't lie, and it confirms that this is her given seat, up here next to Rachel and the much more relevant guests.

 

Shelby doesn't ever get starstruck, not by a long shot. But, if there were ever a time for her to be remotely intimidated by the presence of famous people, it would definitely be now.

 

For a fleeting second, she thinks it’s all a mistake and that she should probably head to the back of the theater where she and the rest of the nobody’s belong. 

 

Nevertheless, she forces herself to push that intrusive thought down, straightening up her back and lifting her head up high. She channels the confidence she’d felt back at home and walks knowingly across the row and into her seat.

 

“You look so pretty,” she tells Rachel, who does look absolutely beautiful in a floor length gown. She also seems much calmer than she was just a few hours ago at Toni’s. 

 

“Thanks, you too. Glad you got here in time, it’s going to start any second.”

 

“Fuck load of traffic. Anyways, how did the carpet go? Where’s Toni? Is she alright?”

 

“Yeah, yeah, she’s good,” Rachel says, but she’s clearly distracted and busy scanning the room over Shelby’s shoulder. 

 

Rachel continues, “That seat is for Toni, she’s sitting next to you.” She points out the empty seat to Shelby’s left, to the opposite side of where Rachel’s sat, and Shelby’s self-doubt comes back swinging tenfold.

 

It doesn't make sense for her to be sat all the way up front, squished between the star of the film and her manager. Shouldn't Toni be sat next to someone like the director or maybe a co-star? Perhaps all of Toni’s invites got grouped together in this area and, by luck of the draw, Shelby happened to be assigned next to her. 

 

The whole thing is making Shelby feel nervous and overwhelmed. And Rachel’s turned her head to continue her conversation with whoever the fuck, so Shelby’s left to awkwardly rub her sweaty palms against her dress and sit quietly alone.

 

It’s maybe a minute later when Shelby hears some distant cheering from the far corner of the room, that eventually erupts in a burst of cheers and applause. She’s not sure if she’s meant to join in, or what she’s even clapping for, but she instinctively joins the crowd’s applause. 

 

It takes her a few seconds too many to realize that Toni and another woman, the film’s director, have walked across the theater and are now standing at the front of the room, smiling proudly and waving back at the crowd.

 

And Toni looks so fucking content and at ease standing small in a big room, in front of all these people, as the director begins to give thanks and say how much of a joy this project has been to work on. 

 

Shelby barely hears them because she’s entirely distracted and utterly mesmerized with everything that is Toni. 

 

Despite having seen her just a short while ago, Shelby’s breath actually catches in her throat when she sees Toni again. Like how the actual fuck is her breath quite literally taken away when she already knew exactly, and is responsible for, how Toni would look tonight.

 

Regardless, Toni’s smile is so big, dimples on full display, and she’s so radiant and perfect and self-assured that Shelby can’t help but push down thoughts having anything to do with a scary four letter word that begins with the letter L.

 

Those thoughts are put at bay, once it’s Toni’s voice that begins to fill the air and Shelby’s brought back down to reality. 

 

At first, she thanks the cast and crew of people behind the film’s making, but then, suddenly, things are all wrong again, entirely wrong and just not in their correct order. 

 

Because Shelby swears that Toni is staring right at her. In fact, is certain that Toni’s eyes are directly, unwaveringly holding Shelby’s amidst the crowd, as she continues her notoriously impromptu speech.

 

Her voice fills the space, but Toni is looking right at Shelby and it feels like it’s just them two having a private conversation in this massive theater. The words leaving the actress’ mouth make even less sense to Shelby.

 

“Thank you so much to everyone who came out to support us tonight, it means so much,” she pauses, still taking the time to stare into Shelby’s eyes within the crowd.

 

“I’d like to thank one person in particular. Someone who came into my life so unexpectedly, but has made me a better actor and even better person in ways I can’t begin to explain. I’ve never met anyone as compelling as you— like each time I discover a new part of you, I feel so lucky to just keep knowing you. My character in this film struggles with so much, but having someone like you in their life could have helped with so much of their pain. Someone who it’s just so inexplicably easy with,” another pause for Shelby to soak it all in.

 

“Because of that, I dedicate everything I put into this film to you. Thank you, and I hope you enjoy it.”

 

It makes Shelby tear up. She feels the tears start to well in her eyes and can feel the sound of her heartbeat in her throat; her hands even shake the tiniest bit.

 

If Shelby’s interpreted the words and the eye contact correctly, then this could very well be one of the most special moments of her life.

 

In a blur of applause and the slow dimming of lights, Toni makes her way down to her seat next to Shelby. As the room goes dark and the sound of cinema booms throughout the room, Shelby feels the weight of the chair next to her dip down the slightest bit. Immediately, Rachel reaches her arm over Shelby’s body to squeeze Toni’s thigh in the following seat, indicating that she approves of her cryptic, yet incredibly moving speech.

 

Toni leans close into Shelby and whispers in her ear, “You look beautiful.”

 

The goosebumps that arise over Shelby’s neck and arms would be cause for embarrassment at another time, but she’s much too delighted at hearing the compliment to care.

 

“Thank you,” Shelby ends up whispering back, paired with a bashful smile. She tries to make herself blink and swallow down the tears.

 

In a surprise to absolutely nobody, Toni’s performance is spectacular. 

 

Shelby can hardly believe that the person up on the screen is the same one currently sat next to her. Toni’s ability to completely transform and deliver a raw and vulnerable performance, with an undercut of humor, leaves the audience wholly enraptured.

 

When Toni’s character cries, Shelby feels tears well up in her own eyes. When she laughs, it has Shelby smiling just as wide. 

 

More than halfway through the film, Shelby needs to make sure that Toni is indeed a real person, the same one she’s grown so fond of and hopes to have grown on in return. She turns her head to look over at the side of the real Toni’s face.

 

It’s dark, but the actress’ face is lit up by the glaring light of the screen.

 

Immediately, Shelby can see the mild discomfort displayed across Toni’s face. She predicts it’s from the surely strange, out of body experience of watching yourself move and speak and emote on the big screen. To be projected ten times your normal size and potentially picked apart by everyone watching. 

 

Feeling Shelby’s gaze on her, Toni turns to check if she needs anything or perhaps has something to say. But when they lock eyes, Shelby just smiles brightly at her and leans in to whisper, “I was only checking to make sure you were real.”

 

She feels Toni’s weight shift with a small chuckle and can see a tiny shake of her head. 

 

Shelby’s hand is cold and closed in a tight fist, but in an instant, it turns soft and warm, as Toni reaches over to grasp Shelby’s hand gently in hers. 

 

The blonde looks down at her lap to see Toni’s hand wrapped around her own. Her first thought is how much she loves the feeling of Toni intentionally reaching out for her, of grabbing onto her with meaning and purpose.

 

Instinctively, Shelby begins to move her hand and lightly play with Toni’s fingers. And simply because she can, she rubs pinky against pinky, just to indulgently feel the delicate skin of Toni’s fingers underneath her own. 

 

But Toni doesn’t let the movement go on for long, as she shifts her hand to fully take Shelby’s and tightly intertwines their fingers together. 

 

Shelby can feel her heartbeat picking up, thudding loudly in her chest, but she doesn't dare look back up at Toni— is unsure what she’ll do if Toni gives her a much too specific look, one that’ll have Shelby doing wildly inappropriate things in this tightly packed room full of very important people.

 

So, their hands remain clasped together, gently resting on Shelby’s thigh, as she looks directly up towards the screen, refusing to turn her head a single inch, lest she dangerously catch Toni’s eye.

 

Unfortunately for her, Toni apparently shares neither the same sentiment or intention. 

 

While Shelby struggles to remain looking forward, Toni’s gaze stays steadfast on the side of Shelby’s face, making it impossible to concentrate on the screen. Shelby’s suddenly very aware of Rachel’s close proximity to her on her other side.

 

But, the magnetism of Toni’s presence and attention is far too strong for Shelby to ignore. She’s especially a goner once Toni’s thumb starts to softly stroke at the back of her hand. It all leads to a miserable attempt to carry on as if Shelby’s heart isn't currently exploding out of her chest. She turns her head with the intention of silently communicating that she really can’t fucking handle this right now.

 

But, the look in Toni’s eyes and her ridiculously cocky smirk tells Shelby everything she needs to know: that Toni sees her, and wants her, and has no problem with her knowing both things.

 

Just as Shelby’s clocks the look in her eye, Toni does something very unexpected. She casually stands up, leaves her seat, and walks right out of the theater. And Shelby receives the message loud and clear.

 

Well, fuck.

 

She waits about a full minute before following after Toni and tactically tries not to make eye contact with anyone on her way out. She also tries to not get stuck on the thought of whether or not following after Toni is a good idea.

 

Shelby doesn't want to think anymore.

 

Right now, the months of pain spent hiding her feelings for Toni seem inconsequential and small. And the nights of all-consuming worry over possibly never having Toni in the way she fully wants her, seem like distant memories.

 

With every second spent near her, Shelby becomes more certain that she’s falling, or may have potentially already fallen, completely in love with this woman— with Toni. And while she’s not entirely ready to face that hard, terrifying truth, what she is really fucking sure about is that she’s not playing any more goddamn games with her.

 

Instinctively, Shelby follows the signage pointing towards the restroom since she can’t think of another place Toni would manage to escape to. When she sees the lock of a single stall restroom turned to occupied, she pushes all rational thought aside, and rapidly knocks on the door.

 

The door opens and Shelby’s not all shocked to see Toni on the other side, to which Toni looks equally as unsurprised. Shelby wants to let her smile loose, to let it take up her entire face, but also weirdly feels like this is a serious moment and needs to attempt to keep playing coy.

 

Toni just seems annoyingly at ease and everything about her body language points to her being wholly relaxed. She presents a dazzling smile that makes Shelby’s knees go a bit weak. Shaky knees aside, it gives Shelby the confidence to unabashedly step into the tiny restroom and not so discreetly lock the door behind her. 

 

“Go ahead,” Shelby says. “Kiss me.”

 

“No,” Toni replies.

 

“Yes.”

 

“No.” She looks at the blonde, her smile growing. “You, kiss me.”

 

“I don’t think you should be locked away in the bathroom on the biggest night of your career.” 

 

“You’re right, I probably shouldn't be,” she nods. “But, while the biggest moment of my career is happening right outside, the only thing I really care about is being in here with you.”

 

Shelby stares at her and tries to cover up the fact that Toni’s words have her absolutely melting. Shifting her eyes down to focus her attention on Toni’s lips, she goes to lick at her own, smoothing them over with her tongue. 

 

The air is thick. Like disgustingly thick. They’re breathing in heaps of molasses and Shelby can’t think of a single fucking reason why Toni’s mouth isn’t already aren’t on hers.

 

“We shouldn't,” Shelby breathes out, but she’s already slowly, steadily pushing Toni over towards the nearest wall.

 

“No. We shouldn’t,” Toni responds just as breathily, her eyes stationed on Shelby’s wet lips. She gently pulls Shelby forward with a grab of her hips. 

 

And then they’re kissing. And kissing. And kissing. And they keep kissing. It’s fast and hard, indulgent in the way they put their whole bodies into it.

 

Their hands are frantically scrambling for purchase because Shelby can’t help but touch Toni everywhere she manages to get her hands on. And Toni is just as greedy with her hands still placed on Shelby’s hips, squeezing flesh and trying to pull her in closer, despite their bodies already being completely flush against each other. 

 

Their lips are incessant and Shelby has no shame in the way she licks at Toni’s bottom lip and then into her mouth, against her tongue. She feels like every second wasted on pulling away for air is a second too long, so she keeps Toni close with a hand on the nape of her neck, slides her fingers into soft, long waves.

 

It’s a kiss subject to the pent up tension and forbidden feelings on both of their behalf. They explore each other’s mouth with the ferocity of having stupidly denied themselves of this divine feeling, of one another, for too long. 

 

The way Toni uses her mouth is intoxicating and Shelby can hardly handle the fluttering in her stomach, so she grounds herself by gripping tight into Toni’s hair, while her other hand curls around the shape of Toni’s cheek.

 

Shelby places all her weight against Toni leaning on the wall and every time her hips rock involuntary against Toni’s, she lets out a soft gasp. Toni groans.

 

“Fuck, I’ve wanted this,” Toni raps huskily against her lips, breathes into her mouth. 

 

And Shelby’s so obsessed with the way her hands pressed against Toni’s face that it allows her to feel the vibrations of Toni's voice travel through her throat. 

 

She swallows down a moan just from that and manages out a breathy, “Me too.”

 

Their back to kissing, open-mouthed and hungry. And Shelby’s savoring the taste of her mouth and the feel of Toni rubbing her hands possessively down her back, dangerously close to her ass, when she hears a knock on the door.

 

They quickly pull away, surprised by the outside noise, and Toni groans, irritated by interruption. She  grasps even more tightly at the flesh of Shelby’s waist and leans in again to lazily hum against Shelby’s lips.

 

“We have to go,” Shelby whispers with virtually zero conviction, as she continues to softly press her lips against Toni’s, desperately trying to draw out this exquisite moment for as long as they can.

 

It’s another one of those moments Shelby feels will be a traceable, tangible memory that she’ll have forever etched into the depths of her mind. Because it’s important and special and she’s never felt so much all at once in her entire life. She feels so much right now, and hopes, more than anything, that Toni feels it too.

 

The knocking starts up again and whoever’s outside starts mumbling unintelligibly.

 

Conceding to their fate, Toni gives her one last peck; it’s gentle and sickeningly sweet, with her hands carefully cupped around Shelby’s jaw, like she’s the most precious thing in the world.

 

With that kiss, they say a painstaking goodbye to this utterly perfect moment shared in the secrecy of this stall.

 

… 

 

In the reeling of her intense makeout session with Toni back at the theater, as well as the quick turn-around from when the credits rolled to leaving for the afterparty, Shelby barely had a chance to process anything at all. 

 

Not what the kiss means, not what page Toni’s on in terms of her feelings, or even what’s meant to subsequently follow the kiss. If anything follows at all. 

 

The one thing Shelby’s sure of is that she’s on cloud nine.

 

What followed the kiss has been a frenzied blur of Toni being whisked away shortly afterwards to receive an outpour of praise and admiration from, well, basically everyone. That, and then the rush of moving everyone out and to their next destination.

 

In Shelby’s case, that was the afterparty being held at the director’s very own home, and while Fatin and many of Toni’s other friends couldn't manage a ticket to the actual premiere, Toni made sure all her loved ones were secured onto the party’s guest-list.

 

In all the craziness, and the evident hot commodity that is getting the leading actor’s attention, Toni has basically disappeared from Shelby’s sight.

 

In any case, the anxiousness of being separated from Toni settles and semi-dissipates once she’s reunited with familiar faces like Fatin and Leah. Shelby’s giddiness returns. She catches Fatin up on the night’s events, minus her time with Toni in the bathroom because she deems it too soon to share, and they grab drinks from the bar.

 

So far, the night is truly electric and the film’s success and overall positive reception has resulted in a fun and whimsical atmosphere.

 

Shelby meets Toni’s friend, Dot, and Rachel’s twin sister, Nora, and they all drink, laugh, and dance together. And Shelby thinks she hasn't had this much fun in a really long time. 

 

Finally, Toni finds their group and joins them for a bit, before inevitably being dragged away for another conversation or photo of some kind. But, Toni makes it known that Shelby hasn’t left her thoughts with the way she deliberately, knowingly smiles at her and cautiously touches the small of Shelby’s back, just to let her know she’s there.

 

But, at some point in the night, Rachel says something strange. 

 

They’re all quite drunk, and Rachel especially deserves to drink copious amounts in celebration of her client’s success, and the paramount role she’s played in it. So, Shelby can tell Rachel’s far gone when she downs her glass and links arms with Shelby.

 

“You know, Shelby,” she slurs, grabbing onto Shelby’s arm for balance. “I thought bringing you on board would be a huge fucking dumpster fire.”

 

Shelby scrunches her face in mock offense and laughs, “Rachel, what the fuck! What even possesses you to say such blasphemous nonsense.” (Shelby likes to use big words when she’s drinking.)

 

“Well, I thought you and Toni were gonna, you know, do the deed. Fornicate. Have sexual relations. Thought you guys were gonna hook-up. Wait, are you even into girls? Oh shit, I don’t even know,” Rachel rambles on, losing her train of thought. 

 

“Anyway, I thought you guys would sleep together and, like, fuck it all up. Toni’s basically obsessed with you and, no offense, you give me weird fucking vibes sometimes with all that. So yeah, I didn't like you at first. But now, I kind of think it wouldn't have been that big of a deal. Ugh, ew. I can actually kind of see you guys being a cute couple,” Rachel mumbles in disgust, like she’s grossed out by the thought of a sibling or parent experiencing any form of intimacy.

 

Shelby pulls away and let’s go of Rachel’s arm, trying to make sense of everything she’s projected onto Shelby.

 

Well, Shelby was right in her initial suspicions regarding Rachel’s coldness towards her. And being that Rachel was entirely correct in reading the early flirtatious vibes between Toni and Shelby, she had every right to be wary of Shelby’s intentions. Even if they were a bit misguided. 

 

The second point Shelby picks up and focuses on is Rachel’s confession to accepting (or more specifically, semi-tolerating) the possibility of a romantic connection existing between her and Toni.

 

Shelby’s heart embarrassingly flips at someone linked professionally to them maybe, possibly, not opposing to the idea of them being together. The thought of it throws Shelby’s head in a tailspin, and her already good mood turns into pure elation.

 

She needs to find Toni.

 

Excusing herself from Rachel and declining Fatin’s invitation for a dance, she feebly reaches her head up to scan the large crowd for messy brunette waves. Not long after, she feels a gentle tug on her elbow and it’s Toni, already dragging a confused Shelby into a more private corner of the house.

 

Once alone, they softly smile at each other and Shelby can see the soft haze of alcohol clouding Toni’s deep brown eyes, as they both giggle from the nerves of not exactly knowing where they’re meant to go from here. Strangely, Shelby feels so much more timid than she did at the theater, despite having had Toni’s lips hungrily all over her not too long ago. 

 

“Come home with me?” Toni asks, hopeful, yet uncertain. She genuinely looks uneasy waiting for Shelby’s reply, as if there was ever a realm of possibility where Shelby would actually decline her offer.

 

It’s so fucking cute.

 

“Don’t you want to stay all night at a party where you’re basically the guest of honor,” Shelby can’t help but tease her a little.

 

“Shut up,” Toni laughs meekly and half-asses an unenthusiastic eye roll. Nevertheless, she persists, “So, is that a yes, or…” she draws on.

 

After a few seconds of mercilessly making her wait, Shelby emphatically nods her head and faintly adds, “But, only since you’re the guest of honor.”

 

…

 

After lots of tequila shots with Fatin and Dot, Toni finally thinks it’s an acceptable time for them to sneak away and head back to her apartment. Though the clock has ticked painfully slow for Shelby, it’s only a mere couple of hours before she and Toni are in a car going home.

 

Shelby inwardly cringes at her associating the word home with traveling back to Toni’s. Annoyingly, she doesn’t want to be that girl and aims to retain some semblance of cool, maybe even indifference, in this whole situation. She’s sure she’ll miserably fail.

 

Hinted at during their interaction at the party, the unrestricted passion and fiery confidence that swirled between them during their kiss has somewhat fizzled out. 

 

Shelby knows that, on her behalf, it’s because of the bundle of nerves sitting heavily at the pit of her stomach.

 

It’s like there was this big explosion— a culmination of lust and longing that violently erupted between the two of them. Now that this intense and illogical moment of passion has passed, Shelby’s given another chance to actually think hard on her next move. 

 

She unequivocally wants this. 

 

She wants Toni in a way she’s never wanted anything or anyone ever before. There’s a magnetism pulling her towards not just the physical, but to every single part of her. She wants to know more of Toni and learn the absolute deepest parts of her— that’s for sure. 

 

But, tonight, she wants her physically and unreservedly; needs Toni’s mouth on her again, and wants to taste and feel every inch of her in return.

 

Even more now, after her talk with Rachel, she feels at peace, finally, with her feelings and the exhilarating possibilities that would come with pursuing them.

 

And she knows, just knows, that Toni feels those things too. She’s never been more sure, especially now after she’s felt the desperation behind Toni’s lips and the tight grip she'd had on her skin.

 

So, a car ride subject to lingering stares and meaningless chit-chat is alright with Shelby. Anyways, she wants to sober up a bit before getting to Toni’s, where… whatever is going to happen, will happen.

 

Much to Toni’s annoyance, Martha keeps calling her, repeatedly. It’s clear that she wants to hear all about the details about the premiere, but Toni keeps stubbornly sending her to voicemail.

 

“Toni, it’s okay, you can answer. She’s probably dying to know how everything went,” Shelby assures her, just as the driver pulls up to Toni’s building.

 

Toni huffs out, “It’s fine, I’ll just talk to her tomorrow,” and stuffs her phone into her pocket, after yet again declining Martha’s call for the umpteenth time.

 

And by the time they make their way up to Toni’s door, the butterflies in Shelby’s stomach refuse to let up. However, they aren't from outright nerves or anxiousness. No, they originate from excitement and joyous anticipation for the night that lies ahead of them.

 

But, Toni’s phone won’t stop, as Martha continues to call and repeatedly text, begging Toni in all caps with lots of emojis for any sort of update.

 

Toni groans, but Shelby just quietly chuckles, offers her a patient smile.

 

“You should just answer, she’s not gonna let up.”

 

“Fuck, I know. You won’t mind? You can shower, eat, or do literally anything you want while I go talk to her.”

 

Shelby hums approvingly, “Okay, yeah. Thank you. Um, can I go up and borrow a change of clothes?”

 

“Of course, check the second drawer of my dresser,” Toni tells her softly. “I’m just gonna take it outside,” Toni says, squeezing Shelby’s shoulder as she walks past her, sliding open the door that leads to her little outside balcony.

 

With Toni closing the door shut behind her, Shelby's now left alone in the silent apartment, not exactly sure what to do with herself. 

 

She doesn't actually want to change because the idea of Toni stripping her out of this fabulous dress and having it lay forgotten on the floor is fucking hot.

 

Regardless, she decides to wait for Toni upstairs. 

 

She can faintly hear the murmur of Toni’s voice downstairs through the glass, as she takes a seat on Toni’s bed, not really knowing what else to do. She exhales out, running her hands along Toni’s soft comforter. 

 

Fuck, she’s tired. 

 

Toni did say she can do whatever she wants. So, she sees no harm in kicking her heels off to bring her legs up onto the bed, laying her head back onto the pillow. And now that she’s properly laying down, she can definitely feel the effects of all those tequila shots she kept stupidly taking.

 

She yawns and also doesn't see the harm in resting her eyes for a little while. Just until Toni hangs up the phone and joins her back inside.

 

Shelby’s fighting what she calls the ‘tequila spins’ and is quickly losing her battle with staying awake, dozing off every few seconds before jolting awake to tell herself to stay up.

 

By the time Toni hangs up with Martha and comes back inside to continue the evening with her favorite, beautiful blonde, she comes up to find Shelby knocked out in her bed: dress, jewelry, and full face of makeup still on.

 

Toni just sighs and laughs silently at the picture in front of her because of course, she fell asleep.

 

…

 

Hours later, way into the latest hours of the night, Shelby momentarily stirs awake and blinks into the darkness. 

 

She’s under the covers, with a sleeping Toni curled up next to her. She has a hazy memory of ‘resting her eyes,’ as she unthinkingly laid in Toni’s big, comfy bed.

 

Fucking idiot.

 

In her semi-unconscious state, Shelby scooches over closer to Toni, chasing after the warmth radiating off her body. She wraps her arm around Toni’s warm frame and squeezes her in tight.

 

Shelby contently falls back asleep with her face buried deep into Toni’s hair, cuddled close in her arms.

 

Notes:

soooooo how are we feeling? any guesses for next chapter?

Chapter 8

Notes:

okay hi, so… This chapter is over 7.5K words of smut

if that’s not your thing, I totally get it. If it is your thing, weeellllll enjoy :)

song for this chapter: nostalgia by tae
(this is lowkey the song for the entire fic, if you want to give it a listen)

The first thought on Shelby’s mind the next morning, as she slowly blinks away the grogginess of a good night’s sleep, is that she’s really fucking itchy.

 

Which makes sense considering she’s still fully dressed, clad in her dress from last night, and that the fabric is uncomfortably rubbing at her skin. 

 

The second detail Shelby registers is that these are not her covers, not her pillows, and this definitely is not her bed. Before she’s sent into a panic, scrambling out of bed to put together where the actual fuck she is right now, she clocks Toni’s suit from last night, hung up neatly on the back of the closet door.

 

Oh. That’s right.

 

While the bed is empty next to her, Shelby can make out a dip in the mattress and feels it’s still warm from where Toni had lain. She faintly remembers the feel of Toni, asleep, wrapped up in her arms, as she buried her nose deep into brunette waves. 

 

Now, she’s both fallen asleep and woken up, entirely alone, in Toni's bed without her— it’s rather disappointing. 

 

She breathes out and tries to lay still, listening for any signs of Toni in the apartment. Since Toni’s bedroom takes up the small upstairs loft, open and hanging over the apartment’s living room area, noise travels easily throughout the space. She’s relieved to hear the faint noise of water coming from what sounds like the shower downstairs. Well, at least Toni hasn't left her entirely stranded.

 

So, they kissed last night.

 

And while Shelby can barely fucking believe that it actually happened, what she can believe is that she loved everything about it, and wants to do it again and again and again.

 

The kiss went from heated and desperate, kissing with their entire bodies, to a slow and sweet rhythm of warm, gentle lips. And it meant something to Shelby. It was special and, with her lips, she tried to communicate the depth of those feelings to Toni.

 

However, waking up alone this morning is actually making her really fucking worried. If last night was as special to Toni, wouldn't she be here right now, tangled up in the sheets next to Shelby?

 

Does she think of the kiss, and then leadingly asking Shelby to go home with her, as just a careless, impulsive whim? Did she not also feel at home, with her body warm and safe, buried underneath the covers with Shelby? Perhaps Toni believes that it was all a big mistake. Or she escaped into the shower first thing in the morning because it gave her an easy out— she wouldn't have to reluctantly see or speak to Shelby right away.

 

Maybe, for Toni, the kiss didn't measure up to whatever she’d imagined it to be in her head; reaching the conclusion that Shelby and her are just better off as friends. 

 

If that were the case, Shelby thinks her heart might shatter into a million little pathetic pieces. 

 

These are the unsettling insecurities currently sending Shelby’s mind into panicked overdrive.

 

Suddenly, she’s up and hastily looking around for her purse, her phone, her shoes. Shelby feels foolish and ridiculous in this fancy, floor-length gown and thinks of her eye makeup that’s definitely smudged all over her face and about how once Toni finishes in the shower, she’s probably going to awkwardly ask Shelby to leave anyways.

 

Maybe she should just preemptively leave now, for both of their sakes.

 

She gets as far as the bottom step of Toni’s staircase, quietly tiptoeing down, before the bathroom door swings open. Toni lets out a little, involuntary oh sound, surprised to see Shelby up and looking a bit on-edge. She’s wrapped in a fluffy towel, the hot rush of shower steam flowing from behind her. Her hair hangs slick around her shoulders and is dark, almost black, damp from the shower.

 

Toni smiles at her and raises her eyebrow curiously. And Shelby can't help but feel embarrassed and like she's been caught red-handed.

 

Shelby stops dead in her tracks, her arms full with her bag and shoes, and squeaks out, “Good morning.”

 

“Good morning,” Toni says back, cautious and slow. 

 

Toni lets out a breathy laugh, “You weren’t trying to leave, were you?” she asks. Despite her light tone, she’s unable to mask the disappointment dripping from her voice.

 

“I, um, I was just looking for my phone,” Shelby stammers out, avoiding the question entirely with a version of the semi-truth. Her face heats up and she shifts back and forth on her feet, as she talks to Toni from all the way across the room.

 

Trying to make this interaction as casual as possible, like she isn't utterly offended, Toni starts to move towards the kitchen. And in response to Shelby’s sorry excuse, she lets out a short hum. It’s clear Toni’s feelings have been hurt. Is disappointed that Shelby would leave without saying goodbye like she can hardly wait to get away from her.

 

Shelby feels like a piece of shit person.

 

“I’m sorry,” Shelby breathes out, closing her eyes as guilt floods through her body.

 

“It’s alright,” Toni says shortly. She busies herself in the tiny kitchen area, not looking at Shelby. “You can go, if you want. If you’re busy, or whatever,” she falters.

 

“No I—I don’t want to go,” Shelby stammers out. 

 

Toni looks up.

 

“I don’t want to go anywhere,” she says again, with a bit more confidence.

 

“You don’t?” 

 

Shelby shakes her head and slowly walks over towards Toni, timidly reaching out for the brunette’s hand. It makes the corners of Toni’s mouth turn slightly upward, and Shelby can finally feel the pressure on her chest let up.

 

She fidgets with Toni’s fingers in her hand, as she reluctantly admits, “Thought maybe you’d gotten sick of me. You weren't there when I woke up, so I—I assumed you regretted what… happened yesterday. Or wanted me gone, I don’t know.” 

 

Toni squints at the blonde, like she can hardly believe she’s assumed something so silly and far off from the truth. She squeezes at Shelby’s hand, and they laugh a little at the miscommunication and at Shelby’s unnecessary wariness.

 

“I promise you, I want you here. And I also promise that it was just me wanting to take a shower before you woke up.” Toni adds softly, her eyes hopeful, “I’m free the whole day, if you are.” 

 

Shelby smiles, “Okay. Yes, me too. Um, is it alright if I maybe take a shower too? And like, wash my face to take all this fucking makeup off.” She can’t help but glance down at the the towel pressed firmly up against Toni’s chest, the droplets of water falling down her collarbone.

 

“Yeah, of course, use whatever you want. I have makeup wipes and a very comfy, fluffy robe you can wear after,” Toni laughs.

 

All of a sudden, Shelby’s very aware that she most likely smells like a barnyard creature. 

 

Once she’s underneath the hot stream of Toni’s shower, she makes sure to thoroughly scrub at every inch of her skin. She uses Toni’s shampoo to lather up her hair and wash away all the grime from last night’s drinking, dancing, and general debauchery.

 

She tries to be as quick as humanly possible to not keep Toni waiting, but also needs to regain presentability by returning freshly cleaned, smelling of vanilla body wash and with her wet hair neatly brushed.

 

Taking Toni up on her offer, Shelby grabs the robe hung up on the door and pulls it on, tying the strings tightly together to hug around her waist. It’s a funny, surreal sight to see herself wrapped up in Toni’s robe, standing in her bathroom and having just used so many of her things: hairbrush, soaps, and mouthwash she’d found in the cabinet. She fucking loves it— all of it.

 

Shelby couldn't care less about what they end up doing with their day, as long as they’re spending it together. They could make breakfast or just talk. But if she’s lucky enough, she’ll have a repeat of yesterday with Toni’s soft lips on hers.

 

Once she’s finished up, Shelby finds Toni up in her bedroom. She’s no longer in her towel, now changed into a simple pair of loose shorts and a t-shirt. Even so, she looks beautiful and free, in the comfort of her own home, as Shelby watches her for a brief moment re-make her bed and smooth out the sheets.

 

After a few seconds, Shelby announces her presence with a small, “Hey,” and Toni looks up to smile at her. Toni takes a seat on her newly made bed and cheekily looks Shelby up and down, as she stands over by the door, wrapped up in Toni’s big fluffy robe.

 

“Cute,” Toni comments.

 

“Thanks.”

 

Shelby really just wants to fucking go for it. To stomp across the room and fucking kiss her there and then. 

 

Wants so badly to shove her back onto the freshly made bed, just to make it all messy again. Wants to make a mess of Toni, of her sheets, and to be made a mess of in return. 

 

Fuck it.  

 

Pushing reason aside, just like she did before their kiss at the theater, Shelby gathers the courage to take what she wants— to bravely walk over to the woman she’s wanted in this way since the very second she laid fucking eyes on her.

 

Toni sits up a bit straighter and once Shelby’s stood directly in front of her within arms reach, the mood shifts into something else entirely— serious and heavy and like nothing else in the entire world exists outside of this room and nothing else matters but them two being here, together. 

 

Toni looks up at her with dark, hooded eyes, and it’s a long few seconds of that look from Toni before her eyes leave Shelby’s and travel down, slowly, to the knot of Shelby’s robe.

 

Toni tentatively, but firmly, reaches out to grab hold of the ties and begins to pull them towards her and subsequently apart from one another. She does it slowly, so that Shelby has plenty of time to stop her before they break free. But, Shelby doesn't stop her; instead, she looks down at Toni encouragingly, eyes just as expressive of how much she wants this. 

 

And Toni doing it like this, so shamelessly unraveling the one piece of clothing they both know is the only thing covering Shelby, is so hot and it makes Shelby feel wanted and sexy and like Toni is just as hungry for this to happen as she is.

 

So when Toni finally (after what feels like a painstakingly slow few minutes, but is in actuality just a matter of seconds) pulls the strings loose and apart, Shelby’s left standing bare and exposed in front of her. The funny thing is, Shelby doesn't feel the least bit shy or insecure about any of it, about Toni seeing all of her, all at once. And even though she’s never been one to feel self conscious about sex in the first place, Toni looking at her the way she is, like she’s just as lost in it as Shelby is, has her feeling more comfortable and present than she ever has with someone like this. Like she’s really fucking in it and consumed by the intensity in the air.

 

Toni runs her hands down Shelby’s stomach, smoothing over the taut skin and leaving goosebumps everywhere she touches. She leans forward to place a soft kiss right above Shelby’s naval and breathes into her skin, “You’re so fucking beautiful.”

 

Placing her hands on Shelby’s waist to pull her in closer and have her stand between Toni’s now parted legs, Toni once again kisses at her stomach and this time looks up to meet Shelby’s eyes before she says huskily, “And perfect.” 

 

She grabs at the flesh of Shelby’s waist, as she continues to pepper kisses into her skin, wet and open-mouthed, and begins to nip at the skin of Shelby’s stomach before lapping over where her teeth had grazed over with the length of her tongue. Each time Toni does it, Shelby’s hips involuntarily rock and chase after something, anything, and Toni notices, so she squeezes at the skin of Shelby’s hips every time, which she’s desperately clinging onto like it’s what’s holding her back from dragging her hands up and across the rest of Shelby’s body.

 

And it all feels so fucking good and who is Shelby to pretend like she’s never wanted anyone to fuck her this badly in her entire life. She zero qualms about the instantaneous and reflexive response to bury her hands in Toni’s hair and tug at the root, whining out, “Toni— fuck, I want you.”

 

Toni looks up and Shelby sees her mouth all wet and plump from working greedily all over her stomach, that her hips embarrassingly buck up again and into nothing.

 

“You’re sure?”

 

Shelby nods eagerly and has to bite at her lip to stifle whatever embarrassing noise is dangerously close to escaping, instead humming out her emphatic yes sound. And all she wants is to be kissing Toni already. She’s about to use the hand currently buried into Toni’s soft, long waves to pull the brunette up and onto her feet because she’s fucking dying for them to be at eye level.

 

But, her plan is fucked and mind’s wiped clean, as Toni wraps her arms around Shelby’s body entirely, into the robe that still hangs off her shoulders, and licks a bold single strip up Shelby’s torso. She dips her head down to press her tongue flat on Shelby’s abdomen, moves up to dip into her belly button, higher and higher, all the up and in between her chest.

 

And once she’s finally high enough, Toni doesn't hesitate in taking one of Shelby’s tits in her mouth, swirling her tongue around one nipple and sucking at the sensitive skin. Toni’s mouth on her makes Shelby’s knees buckle and she quietly gasps out; has to grip Toni's hair and onto her shoulder in order to regain some sort of balance. 

 

As Toni continues to suck and flick her tongue against Shelby’s nipple, she grabs and tugs at the other, rolling it between her fingers, like she knows exactly what the fuck she’s doing and knows just how to make Shelby feel good with every press of her hand. She moves to focus her mouth’s attention on the other side, still sucking, but this time lightly grazing the peak with her teeth.

 

Shelby just about starts to lose her mind, and doesn't think she can keep standing up for much longer, as Toni grabs at both her tits and pushes them together, dragging her tongue over and between the two. Toni moves her head back and forth and hungrily licks at Shelby’s sensitive skin, like she’s indulging in something she’s thought about doing for a long time now.

 

And it all feels like so much, like Shelby doesn't know where to place her hands or if the noises she’s making are even normal for someone who hasn't even been properly touched yet. But, with the way Toni’s mouth is hungry all over her, giving apt attention to both, now swollen, peaks, Shelby gives herself a bit of leeway.

 

Despite how good Toni’s mouth and hands feel, Shelby needs more. Needs to not be standing anymore and wants to be touching Toni all over in the same way, like immediately. 

 

She’s way too fucking wet to not even have kissed Toni yet; she feels it’s unfair and wants to be more in control than she is right now. She wants to show Toni that she’s just as capable of making her ache and writhe and gasp out, like she’s doing now to Shelby.

 

So, Shelby shifts gears and puts her hands on Toni’s shoulders to lightly push her back onto the bed. Immediately, Shelby climbs up to straddle Toni’s lap and crashes their lips together, kissing Toni with the vigor and passion of finally having her in this way. Toni groans into her mouth and breathes a fuck into Shelby mouth, pushing the fabric of the robe completely off of Shelby’s shoulders, leaving her completely naked for Toni to run her hands all down her sides and back.

 

Shelby feels herself start to lose control again and fall powerless to the magic of Toni’s hands (God her hands) and her incessant kisses. Telling herself to stay focused and to keep her hips up and off of Toni, Shelby drags her lips over Toni’s cheek and begins to pepper kisses down her face, jaw, and neck. She latches her lips onto Toni’s neck and focuses all her attention on working a smooth rhythm of hot kisses and light sucking into her skin.

 

Toni’s panting hard under her, with a hand in Shelby’s hair to keep her mouth pressed against her, but soon enough, Toni starts to tug Shelby’s hips down to meet hers, to feel all of Shelby against her thigh. And Shelby knows she’s so fucking wet, and this is while Toni’s still fully dressed. She tries her very hardest to stay up on her knees and not press down. 

 

Toni shifts her head to bring Shelby’s lips back to hers and drags her hands tantalizingly slow down Shelby’s back, with such a gentle press of just her fingertips that it almost tickles. Toni moves her hands down to palm and grab at Shelby’s ass, and it’s a stark contrast in pressure to the light grazing down her back. With her hands, Toni encourages Shelby to grind down onto her thigh that’s firmed up, ready and waiting.

 

“Shelby,” Toni breathes assertively, pulling away from Shelby’s mouth to give her a look that effectively expresses how needy she is to feel Shelby against her. With that, Shelby gives in— presses down into her and meets Toni’s bare thigh, which she’s propped up by placing her foot hard into the mattress.

 

They both gasp out once Shelby’s wetness meets Toni’s skin, slicking against her. Toni encourages her to grind down, to chase after what she needs, by guiding the movement of her body with the push and pull of her hands. 

 

And that’s exactly what Shelby does. 

 

She places both hands on the mattress next to Toni’s head and rests their foreheads together, breathing hard against her mouth, as she grinds back into Toni’s thigh without reservation.

 

Shelby’s panting hard now, her clit rubbing over and over into her own wetness that’s smeared all over Toni’s leg, and she looks down at Toni who looks like she’s getting just as much out of this. Like she’s just as fucking obsessed with this, and wants nothing more than watch Shelby fall apart on top of her. 

 

Shelby barely lasts a few minutes. 

 

Her body starts to shutter and the grinding of her hips get less rhythmic, more frantic, once she hits that perfect spot on her clit and tunes into the wet sounds of her rubbing hard and fast against Toni’s thigh. 

 

Toni moves one of her hands on Shelby’s ass up and in between their bodies, to pinch at Shelby’s nipple, tugging at it.

 

Shelby’s a fucking goner once she whines into Toni’s mouth that she’s nearly there and Toni groans, telling her, “I know,” and turns her head to kiss at Shelby’s wrist that’s planted firmly next to Toni’s head, holding all her weight up, squeezing harder at Shelby’s ass and says, “Fuck yes, c’mon I want to feel it.”

 

With that, Shelby comes all over Toni’s thigh, writhing on top of her and gripping hard into the sheets, pressing her lips hard against Toni’s mouth to moan a series of fucks. She rides it out and eventually falls flat against Toni’s body underneath her, basking in the sheen of sweat that’s collected between them: Shelby completely naked, pressed tight against Toni. 

 

It’s a long few minutes of Shelby catching her breath before Toni starts to press gentle kisses against the side of Shelby’s head. 

 

She runs her fingers through Shelby’s long, still damp hair and twists the strands around her fingers. The coolness of her wet hair paired with the hot press of their sweaty bodies feels so fucking good and Shelby feels a sudden wave of emotion at the sheer happiness she feels at this moment.

 

Slowly, Shelby untucks her head from the crook of Toni’s neck and moves to place a gentle kiss at her lips, before pulling away to smile down at Toni’s equally flushed face. 

 

“Hi,” Shelby says sweetly.

 

“Hi,” Toni repeats, eyes twinkling with what Shelby hopes is the same level of adoration and infatuation that she currently feels taking up her entire heart, making butterflies swirl all about in her tummy.

 

Shelby flushes remembering the intensity from just a few moments ago and giggles like a schoolgirl, tucking her head back into Toni’s neck because she’s embarrassment at the sound and doesn't know what else to say or how to move on when she can still feel her wetness under her, all over Toni’s thigh. 

 

She feels Toni’s body shake underneath her with laughter, which makes Shelby hum disapprovingly into her neck. It just makes Toni laugh even harder and wrap her arms tightly around Shelby’s body, squeezing her in tight and gripping her at her sides, ticklish and playfully. 

 

“You’re so cute,” Toni says, and Shelby can hear the smile in her voice.

 

Nevertheless, Shelby grumbles an unintelligible “No I’m not,” into Toni’s neck, burying her head into the skin. She can’t help but press her nose in and smell at her skin. 

 

She tries to memorize the scent of Toni, all sticky and sweaty, and tuck it into the most precious, safest corner of her mind. She wants to bottle it up and lock in the smell, so she can remember it forever and ever and ever. And on darker days, when Toni isn't there to hold her and keep her usual anxieties and self-loathing thoughts at bay, she can think back on this moment and at Toni’s smell, and maybe everything will go still, her mind will quiet, and everything will be alright for at least a little.

 

Eventually, they move up the bed to rest more comfortably against the pillows, at Toni’s suggestion because her other leg, still hung over the edge of the bed, had begun to fall asleep. It’s how they find themselves with their heads sharing the same pillow, aimlessly making out on their sides, gently writhing against each other. 

 

It’s sweet and feels innocent, like there’s no real end goal. Shelby just captures Toni’s bottom lip, gently tugging with the pull of her teeth, and Toni indulgently slots her lips over Shelby’s because she can and wants to. They have all the time in the world. 

 

Toni’s hands are cupping Shelby’s face and she caresses her thumb against Shelby’s flushed cheek, while Shelby has her arm lazily draped over Toni’s waist.

 

It becomes less sweet and more heated, less mindless and far more intentional, once Shelby dips her fingers into the band of Toni’s shorts and starts to massage at the skin of Toni’s hips, playing with the hem of Toni’s underwear that’s hidden beneath her shorts. Toni hums softly into their kiss and lets Shelby tug down her shorts and underwear, helping her wriggle and kick out of them. 

 

And Shelby can’t fucking wait to touch Toni. Is losing her mind over the thought of pushing deep inside her, stretching her out and having Toni ride her fingers until she sees stars just like Shelby had before. 

 

So, when Shelby slides her hand down Toni’s side and reaches down to rub at the pool of wetness she feels rubbing against her thigh, only for her hand to be intercepted by Toni herself, Shelby’s instantly disappointed.  

 

Shelby huffs out and squeezes at the skin of Toni’s hips, “Let me touch you,” Shelby pleads, desperate to make Toni feel good. “Please.”

 

“No,” Toni says with a little smirk, and shifts to roll over on top of Shelby, pressing her into the mattress. Toni drags her lips across Shelby’s jaw and moves to gently bite at her earlobe, murmuring huskily into Shelby’s ear, “You again.”

 

And, once again, Shelby is taken aback by big brown eyes and the way Toni uses her hand to nudge Shelby’s legs open, so she can slot herself between them. So, Shelby just lets out a moan when Toni hikes her leg over her hip to feel Shelby’s wetness rub against her skin. Shelby wraps both her legs around Toni’s frame and pulls her in close to grind her hips upwards, feeling Toni match the movement in return.

 

Toni props herself up with one hand next to Shelby’s head and kisses Shelby senselessly, moving the other hand down to explore the expanse of Shelby’s body. 

 

She touches Shelby like she’s a  work of art. 

 

Settling her hand in certain places to just squeeze and rub at the warm skin, like she knows she’ll never get this first time back and wants to memorize and lock in everything about it, like Shelby did earlier with mentally bottling up Toni's smell. 

 

And Shelby feels that in the way Toni’s cherishing her now, in the way Toni so clearly loves having Shelby under her, entirely willing, trusting, and vulnerable. 

 

It feels intimate as fuck.

 

Toni’s hand finally reaches where Shelby needs it the most and she squeezes at Shelby’s thigh, pulling away to pant, “Can I?” To which Shelby pulls Toni’s mouth back down on hers, nodding her head furiously and humming out a noise that comes out as a breathy moan mimicking a yes.

 

And despite already having came once, Shelby feels like she really can’t wait another fucking second of Toni not touching her. 

 

Apparently, Toni feels the same because she wastes no time in pressing her fingers up against the spot where Shelby’s the wettest, practically dripping onto the sheets. She sweeps her fingers in between Shelby’s legs, getting her fingers nice and wet to rub and drag the wetness back all over her center.

 

With her fingers sufficiently wet and covered in Shelby, she easily pushes one finger into her, even though she’s clearly wet enough for two, and plunges it in deep, immediately taking the time to stroke inside her and feel her hot skin. Shelby clenches hard around Toni’s finger and brings her hands up to cup Toni’s face and kiss at her lips. She kisses Toni deep and slow, as Toni starts to work her finger slowly in out of her. 

 

It’s just a few strokes later when Toni adds a second finger, without warning, burying them hard into Shelby. And the roughness of Toni’s fingers, as she picks up speed and pressure, now fucking into Shelby faster and deeper, all the way to the skin of her knuckle and back out, is the exact pressure Shelby’s hips have been unrelentlessly chasing after.

 

Toni’s mouth is parted and wet on top of her, and Shelby can’t help but bodly lick into her mouth, sucking at Toni’s tongue while she fucks into her hard. Toni isn't the least bit sloppy or jagged; her fingers are intentional in the way they work in and out of Shelby. And she’s looking down at Shelby again like she’s a priceless treasure, and like she knows the angle of this deep stroke is driving Shelby crazy and wants to study how Shelby’s body reacts to it. 

 

The way Toni’s looking at her sets off a fire in Shelby’s stomach and makes her a bit emotional. She feels so… overwhelmed right now with Toni’s fingers curling and stroking inside her; Toni touching her as if she’s been doing this for years, as opposed to the very first time. She feels complete and lucky and undeserving; so much so, that she could cry.

 

If she let herself, she could also tear up at how they could've been doing this all along and been with each other in this way so, so long ago. The thought infiltrates Shelby’s mind and she breathes into Toni’s mouth, “I feel like— like we wasted so much time.”

 

Toni’s fingers still for a brief moment and she looks down at Shelby, really looks at her, before moving her fingers again and presses a kiss to the corner of Shelby’s mouth, rasping out, “We’ll make up for it. I promise.” 

 

Toni starts to fuck into her hard again, faster this time, and moves her head down to place open-mouthed kisses down Shelby’s jaw, neck, and collarbones. She moves her body down and dips her head to suck at Shelby’s nipple, tugging it into her mouth before placing a kiss on its peak. 

 

They can both tell Shelby won’t last much longer with the way her hips won’t keep still and the obscenities she’s moaning into the room, especially with Toni still fucking roughly into her and moving her mouth all over the expanse of Shelby’s chest. It’s almost greedy how Toni’s not focusing one point of pleasure, and it’s definitely hot how she can’t seem to fucking get enough of Shelby’s body.

 

But once Shelby’s breath picks and she starts to clench hard on Toni’s fingers, Toni pulls away the slightest bit to sit back and fuck into her faster, so that her palm has the chance to hit against Shelby’s clit with each stroke of her hand, knows it’s what’ll get her there.

 

Shelby grabs at Toni’s wrist, feeling the way it moves fast into her. “Fuck, don’t stop. Don’t stop, keep fucking me just like that,” Shelby moans, practically screaming, and grips hard at Toni’s wrist, almost tugging it to fuck into herself and push extra hard against her clit. Shelby grinds down into Toni’s hand, making Toni groan, “Fuck, yes,” as she keeps pushing her fingers into Shelby and pressing into her clit hard, just how Shelby likes it. 

 

And then, Shelby’s eyes are screwing tightly shut and her hips lift off the mattress, whining Toni’s name. She comes all over her fingers, while Toni keep keeps fucking into her, murmuring how good Shelby’s doing.

 

And oh my fucking God, Shelby can’t remember a time where she’s ever come harder. She doesn't know if Toni’s just that good or if their bodies are inexplicably perfect together, fitting like a puzzle piece that Shelby’s been searching everywhere for and has finally found hidden and buried beneath the rest. Or if she’s so infatuated and in lo— crazy about Toni that she could be doing literally anything down there and Shelby would be obsessed regardless.

 

She pulls Toni down for a kiss and tries to steady her breathing, humming softly into Toni’s lips, as she pulls her fingers out from Shelby. But then, Shelby blinks up at her, albeit a bit confused, as Toni slowly pulls away from her mouth. So much so that Shelby tries to chase after her lips with a lift of her head and needily parting her lips. Her mouth opens that much more, in awe, to let out a little gasp, as Toni places her fingers into her own mouth and sucks Shelby’s taste off of them.

 

Toni works her tongue around her fingers, moaning at the taste, and works them in and out of her mouth. She looks down at Shelby with dark eyes while she does it, is straddling her hips, and Shelby feels herself ache as she drags her fingers out, slowly and with a wet pop. Shelby looks down to see Toni's wetness pressed against her stomach.

 

One look at Toni on top of her sweaty, flushed, and with a wet streak against her mouth gets Shelby ready to go all over again. 

 

Toni’s eyes are glazed over in bliss from making Shelby come and tasting its effects, but her eyes turn alert and shift back to the present once Shelby nudges on Toni’s shoulder to roll them over and get Toni to lay under her, on her back. 

 

Toni breathily laughs at Shelby’s vigor and quick recovery, “Wow, you really couldn't wait to get your hands on me, could you?” And while she pokes fun at Shelby’s obvious excitement, she’s quick to move her hair back and under her shoulder, giving Shelby more room to trail wet kisses up and down her neck.

 

“Shut up,” Shelby mumbles, biting down hard enough for Toni to gasp loudly and pull hard at the roots of Shelby’s hair with her fingers that are currently tangled up in long blonde locks. 

 

Suddenly shocked that they’ve managed to go this long with Toni’s shirt still on, Shelby impatiently tugs at Toni’s top and pulls her to sit up, dragging her up and off the pillow with a harsh tug of the fabric.

 

Their hands work in tandem to peel the shirt off, and as Toni pulls the last of it up and over her head, tossing it off the bed, Shelby quite literally feels like she forgets how to breathe.

 

However, it’s not for the most obvious of reasons. 

 

Of course, seeing Toni’s bare chest on full display is fucking amazing and she wants nothing more than to lean forward and have Toni all over her mouth (no, seriously she really wants that).

 

But, it’s the armpit hair that gets to her. 

 

It’s the flash of dark hair Shelby gets a glimpse of, as Toni lifts her arms to peel the shirt off her body that makes Shelby die a little inside— the sight of it hits Shelby right down there, and a heat runs through her body all over again. She catches Toni’s eye and smirks down at her.

 

Toni looks back up with clear anticipation for whatever it is Shelby has planned, so the blonde uses her hand to swiftly tip Toni back against the pillow. Her hair is wild and dark, fanning out on the pillow; her lips plump and red; her sporadic freckles littering all around her perfect face. She’s stunning.

 

Shelby straddles her again and wastes no time in attaching her lips to Toni’s— she moans into the kiss because Toni tastes different after having Shelby on her tongue. That also does something to Shelby, so she grabs at Toni’s wrists, bringing them up and over her head, and slams them down onto the pillow above her.

 

With Toni’s wrist pinned down and held against the mattress with the strength of Shelby’s hands, Shelby breaks their kiss to pull back, slowly moving her eyes across Toni’s body, lingering on the sight of her underarm hair. 

 

Toni catches her staring and cockily smiles up at Shelby hovering on top of her. She licks her lips and flexes her hands held under Shelby’s vice grip.

 

“See something you like?” Toni asks.

 

Shelby nods her head, “You. You’re so fucking hot,” she bends her head to kiss down the length of Toni’s arm, still pinned above head. Shifts to kiss and lick down her forearm, the soft skin inside of her elbow, over her bicep.

 

Toni’s hips shift underneath her, bucking up trying to get some friction against Shelby’s thigh, turning less playful than she was before when she breathes out, “No, you are.” Her wrists twitch again under Shelby’s, “Fuck, you are, you’re so hot like this.”

 

Shelby keeps moving her mouth down and they both know what’s coming. 

 

They’re anticipating it as Shelby places her tongue flat against the skin of Toni’s underarm and licks boldly down the length of her armpit hair. 

 

And Shelby is pretty sure that she’s never before had a desire to lick someone’s underarm. But with Toni, it’s a whole different kind of physical attraction altogether, where just about anything Toni does turns Shelby on and makes her think wow okay, yeah I want you to do dirty things to me.

 

So, Shelby unabashedly moans at the feel of Toni’s hair on her mouth and takes it a step further by releasing the grip on Toni’s wrists to move her head down. Doesn't lift her tongue off of Toni’s skin and continues licking all the way down her body. She keeps her tongue pressed and in one sweep drags her tongue through Toni’s underarm, down the side of her tit, before moving her head to take one of Toni’s nipples into her mouth. Does it all in one sweep, as Toni’s sweat and the moisture of Shelby’s tongue mix and smear and drag all of the side of Toni’s body.

 

Toni’s going crazy under her, moaning and squirming under Shelby, moving her hands from where they were pinned above her to grip hard into the sheets. 

 

Shelby hums, her mouth on Toni’s chest, “Did you like my mouth on you like that?” she says, teasing and seemingly sweet, as she looks up into Toni’s eyes and swirls her tongue on the very peak of Toni’s nipple.

 

Toni meets her eyes for a second and shakes her head the slightest bit, breathing out a laugh. She throws her head back onto the pillow, exposing the length of her smooth, long neck to Shelby, before breathing out, “I want your mouth somewhere else right now.” 

 

So, Shelby obliges. First, because she’s willing to give Toni anything she wants. Second, because Shelby wants to have her mouth in between Toni’s legs really fucking badly.

 

Shelby hums in agreement and kisses up Toni’s chest, moving her lips up to the side of her jaw; sweetly peppering her lips against Toni’s cheek before cradling Toni’s flushed face between her hands. She pecks Toni’s lips a few times and takes the time to admire Toni’s face, leaning down to press adoring kisses at each of Toni’s little freckles, her blemishes, and the scar on the bridge of her nose. Toni smiles up at her and the look in her eyes tells Shelby she’s never been worshiped and coddled like this before.

 

It’s a few tender moments of sweet and soft before Shelby whispers, “Get on your knees. I want you from behind.” 

 

Toni’s chest caves in, as the breath gets knocked out of her with Shelby’s command, and she groans. Shelby pulls away to give Toni room to turn around, but uses her hands to roughly pull Toni’s hips up, positioning her with her ass in the air and face pressed into the mattress.

 

Shelby moves to kneel behind her and can see Toni’s legs are already shaking, so she runs her hand up over the backs of Toni’s thighs and caresses her ass. Seeing Toni so ready and willing after focusing on Shelby’s pleasure for so long, with her ass in the air because it’s what Shelby wanted, does something to Shelby, and she decides to stretch this moment out, to make it last. 

 

She feels kind of bad for teasing, but also knows she’ll make it up to Toni in the end. 

 

Giving herself a moment to look down between Toni’s legs, Shelby sees she’s wet, really wet, even sees the sheen going all down the length of her inner thigh.

 

“Shelby,” Toni begs into the mattress, gripping hard at the sheets and subtly goes to jut her ass up even higher. Shelby leans down to kiss Toni’s ass and up towards the dimples of her backs, smoothing over the soft skin of Toni’s backside. 

 

“You look so good like this,” Shelby teases, and goes to squeeze Toni’s ass.

 

“Fuck you,” Toni breathes non-threateningly into the sheets, her face still pressed against the mattress. Shelby takes her time kissing down Toni’s thighs and licking up the wetness that’s spread all along the soft skin, moaning at the taste. 

 

Toni rocks her hips back impatiently and Shelby laughs to herself, decides Toni’s had enough. So, she wiggles back and leans down to spread Toni’s legs wider before placing her tongue flat against her. She starts at Toni’s clit and licks all the way back, all over her. Shelby’s mouth is everywhere, lapping up Toni’s wetness and moaning into her, at the taste and of the feeling of her against her tongue, her lips.

 

“Fuck,” Toni grunts out, as Shelby licks back towards her clit again, flicking her tongue against it before surrounding the sensitive bundle with her lips, keeps her hands pressed firmly against Toni’s backside to spread her open. Shelby works out a pattern of flattening her tongue and licking long strokes, and soon enough, Toni starts to grind back into Shelby’s mouth. She’s gasping against the sheets and matching the movement of her hips to the rhythm of Shelby’s tongue. 

 

But, Shelby needs to see her. Can’t miss the look on Toni’s face as she makes Toni come for the first time. No, Shelby has to see Toni panting and red and desperate— she’s so close.

 

Shelby lets up on Toni’s clit and licks backwards. All the way back, into Toni’s ass, before pulling away to replace her mouth with her fingers. Pushing two fingers straight into her, Shelby kneels behind to watch Toni’s face as she comes apart. She keeps a steady rhythm with her fingers, fucking fast into her, before Toni moans out asking for a third. 

 

Shelby obliges and goes in with another, going slow at first to let Toni adjust. It’s just a minute or two of deep strokes into her, the sound of their sex and Toni’s moans infiltrating the entire apartment, before Toni’s body starts to shutter against the mattress. Shelby grabs and squeezes at her ass with her other hand as she comes undone, watching Toni screw her eyes shut and gasp out.

 

Toni buries her face into the mattress to muffle the noise and keeps grinding back into Shelby’s fingers, slowing down gradually and eventually letting up on her grip on the sheets.

 

Shelby waits to lean down and place a single kiss on the small of Toni’s back before pulling her fingers out entirely. Immediately, Toni falls forward, her hips coming down onto the mattress, and keeps her eyes shut as she regains her breath.

 

It almost seems like Toni falls asleep for a second, since she hasn't opened her eyes yet and her breath starts to even out, but then Shelby sees a smile start to tug at her face; well, on the side of her face that’s not currently pressed into the mattress. Shelby chuckles and crawls up the length of Toni’s body. She plants herself down to lay flat on her stomach, pressed up against Toni’s back, and feels Toni trying to stifle a laugh from underneath her.

 

“Nothing to say to me, huh?” Shelby says into Toni's hair.

 

Toni grunts, “No, I’m not talking to you,” she responds, trying to suppress her smile.

 

“Hhmm,” Shelby hums and pulls the hair away from Toni’s face, tucking it behind her ear. “I thought you’d be extra nice to me now. I mean, I thought I was being real nice to you a few minutes ago.” 

 

She places a series of kisses against Toni’s temple before Toni finally opens her eyes to look up at her, playfully rolling her eyes, but blushing all the same. Shelby peels her body off of her and moves to lay next to Toni instead, shifting onto her side to face her. 

 

“Okay fine, I’m talking to you again,” Toni says, and scooches over to pull Shelby in closer. They kiss, soft and slow, and Toni sucks softly on Shelby’s bottom lip, while Shelby whispers “Good,” into the press of their lips. 

 

Toni pulls away from the kiss to smile and look longingly at Shelby before whispering, “It's not like this with other people.” 

 

She says it like it's a precious secret coming from the innermost part of her heart. As if she’s reluctant to put the words out in the universe because they’re so dear and true, that she’d hate for anything to ruin the meaning behind them.

 

Toni’s words pull at every one of Shelby’s heartstrings and make butterflies swirl about in her stomach for the millionth time today because it’s true— it’s not like with other people. It never has been and Shelby finds it hard to believe that it ever will.

 

Shelby finds a lot hard to believe when it comes to Toni. But she’s proven wrong every time and shown just how truly perfect she is each time she learns the tiniest new thing about her. She scans over Toni’s face and reads nothing but sincerity, so Shelby exhales and shakes her head a tiny bit.

 

“No, it’s not like this.”

 

There’s so many things they need to discuss at length, having in-depth conversations about where they go from here: if this is a secret to be kept between them, what they each want and need when it comes to possibly pursuing something, whatever that something may be, and what exactly the true depths of their feelings are.

 

But for now, Shelby lets herself be kissed and wraps her arms tight around Toni’s frame, locking in this memory as one of her favorite ones yet.

 

Chapter 9

Notes:

song for the chapter: golden hour by kacey musgraves

Two days later, Shelby is still yet to leave Toni’s place, as the pair have spent the entire weekend together holed up in her apartment.

 

It’s evening and the sun is setting— warm, golden sunlight drips into the apartment and specks of magical prisms bounce off each surface, dreamy shadows casting all around with the gentleness of every movement.

 

It’s a symphony of colors, a beautiful conclusion to the day, that’s peaceful and fiery all the same, and the light reflects a certain blissfulness in the air.

 

So much so, that Shelby is attempting to capture the moment with the help of Toni’s polaroid camera, which has sadly been collecting dust from being forgotten and tucked away into the corner of a cramped bookcase. 

 

They’re in bed, as they have been for the majority of the weekend, and Shelby straddles a naked and exhausted Toni, pointing the camera down at her sun kissed face. Despite Shelby’s best efforts, Toni lays under her, uncooperative and unmoving.

 

“Can you just smile, please?” Shelby whines exasperatedly, one eye pressed up against the tiny viewfinder. 

 

“Nope.”

 

“At least open your eyes.”

 

“Nope,” Toni repeats, squeezing them even further shut and forming crinkles at the corners of her eyes to prove her lack of interest.

 

“Okay great, I’ll go home then,” Shelby places the camera down onto the mattress, “I could see you're rather tired and I’d hate to get in the way of that.”

 

Shelby knowingly starts to move off of Toni’s body, lifting her weight up and to the side, as if she’s gearing up to climb out of bed. But Toni only lets Shelby’s feeble attempt at leaving continue for about a second, before she wraps her arms tight around Shelby’s hips to prevent her from moving any further.

 

Toni’s grasp is accompanied with a loud groan, childlike in nature, and she reluctantly opens her eyes to grumble, “No, stay.”

 

Shelby narrows her eyes at the brunette below her and fixes herself back onto Toni’s body, slowly reaching over to grab the camera again. She immediately brings it up to eye level and points the lens down at Toni, who loosens her death grip on Shelby’s waist, while she relaxes back into the pillows.

 

“Smile,” Shelby instructs, with a slight sing-song to her voice.

 

Toni reluctantly caves in and gives Shelby a soft smile, close-mouthed and pretty. Her big brown eyes are equally as warm and honey-like as the sunlight streaming in through the surrounding windows. Her hair’s been tied up into a messy ponytail since this morning, as it’d become insanely tangled up from neglecting to brush it over the past few days. That, and all the rolling around in the sheets with Shelby.

 

*click*

 

The camera shutters and while they wait for the instant film to print out the bottom, Toni rubs her hands up and down the length of Shelby’s thighs.

 

“That wasn't so hard, was it?” Shelby weakly chides, but there’s zero malice behind it since she’s so perfectly content at this moment, with Toni drawing little circles into her skin. 

 

“It’s not my fault you’ve exerted every last bit of energy out of me,” Toni presses, “Seriously, make me come one more time today and I will go comatose.”

 

Shelby doesn’t reply, just quirks her eyebrow, while she shakes the newly printed photo. She’s very much guilty of the accusation and has spent the better part of the day with her head between Toni’s legs.

 

The glossy white piece of paper fades and forms, with Toni’s smiling face taking up the frame. Shelby looks at the image in adoration and holds it up, comparing the Toni in the polaroid to the likeness of real-life Toni still underneath her.

 

They’ve spent the past couple of days in a bubble of indulgence. 

 

Shelby has managed to dodge every one of Fatin’s phone calls. Instead, she lets the phone buzz to its heart's content, following up Fatin’s missed calls with a text to confirm that she’s indeed safe and sound. 

 

And in true Fatin fashion, she responds with a series of insane emojis: things like scissors, cats, and every other obscenity imaginable. One thing Shelby’s certain of is that Fatin’s going batshit crazy wanting to know where and what it is Shelby’s been up to. 

 

Unfortunately, Fatin will have to wait.

 

Toni, on the other hand, looks at her phone a few times when Rachel sends over a wave of good reviews about the film. Everyone involved is still reeling from the positive buzz and Toni’s phone gets bombarded with congratulations. However, she quickly gets bored with the influx of repetitive messages and puts her phone face down onto the side table, turning over to move in closer to Shelby.

 

They’ve gotten bits of fresh air, like when they went to the nearest shop for snacks dressed in their pajamas. But other than that late night adventure, it’s been just the two of them, hiding away from any and all influence of the outside world.

 

Shelby turns the Polaroid picture around to show Toni, who looks at it for a moment and smiles amusedly, like the thing she likes most about the photo is that it serves to make Shelby happy. She glances from the photo over to Shelby.

 

“Now one of you,” Toni requests and holds her hand out to take the camera from Shelby. 

 

“Okay,” the blonde says semi-bashfully and secretly gloats in the way Toni’s warmed up to the polaroid idea.

 

Shelby’s naked too, and poses by resting both her hands on Toni’s stomach, tilting her head to cheekily grin down. But, Toni pauses and instead of holding the camera up to her face, she starts to shake from laughter.

 

Shelby’s face falls, “What could possibly be funny right now, you buffoon.”

 

“I understand you’re a nudist, but do you not mind that half this photo is basically just your tits.” 

 

With her free hand, Toni reaches up to move Shelby’s hair around, attempting to manipulate the long blonde waves into some sort of shield for Shelby’s chest that’s fully displayed for the camera.

 

“Are you calling me indecent?” Shelby asks, her mouth dropping open in offence.

 

“Don’t get me wrong, I like the view,” Toni says leadingly, still fixing Shelby’s hair so that it lays protectively over her chest. She twists the strands between her fingers and continues, “But what if someone manages to get their hands on this, hm? A bit scandalous. And besides I want you all to myself.”

 

She moves her hand down to squeeze at the flesh of Shelby’s waist. 

 

“Oh God, this isn't the nineties,” Shelby says, playfully rolling her eyes. 

 

Finding it hilarious that Toni worries a rogue nude photo would somehow damage her virtue, Shelby flips her hair back over her shoulder, undoing Toni’s meticulous work. Except she has to admit, she does secretly relish in the possessiveness. She also decides to refrain from sharing that there are definitely more scandalous photos, maybe even videos, of Shelby existing somewhere out there in God knows whose phone. 

 

Shelby’s early twenties were a bit of a mess.

 

Once her hair, which is best described as bedhead at this point, is aptly and rebelliously tucked behind her ears, she assures a waiting Toni, “Consider it my parting gift to you. I give you full permission to look as much as you want once I’m gone. Maybe even carry it around in your wallet like a good luck charm or something.”

 

“I’ll keep that in mind, now smile please.”

 

*click*

 

From outside, the sun is at its peak crimson orange, the very brightest it gets before disappearing altogether until the earliest hours of the next morning. 

 

Golden hour is Shelby’s favorite time of day because it’s easily romanticized and doesn't fit into a construct of time— it’s not really daytime anymore, but it’s also not yet night. It’s almost like a lost period of the day, where anything goes and you’re allowed to give yourself up to the colors of the sky.

 

Looking like a painting, a streak of light perfectly hits the side of Toni’s face. She examines the freshly printed photo, and just as Shelby had done before, holds it up side-by-side to the real-life subject sitting in her lap.

 

“The light coming in from behind makes you look like an angel. It gives you one of those halo things,” Toni calmly observes.

 

Shelby grabs the photo from her grasp to see for herself, and then picks up the photo she’d taken of Toni, examining them side by side. She takes a moment to admire how sweet the two photos look together and makes a mental note to write the date on the bottom before she places them off to the side. 

 

She falls forward to lay fully on Toni’s chest and tucks her chin into the brunette’s neck, placing a kiss on her warm skin. 

 

Shelby hums in agreement and nods, her nose tickling against the stray strands of Toni’s ponytail, before saying, “I am quite angelic, aren’t I?”

 

She feels Toni’s body vibrate with a hum underneath her, “Oh sure, when you choose to be.” 

 

Shelby grumbles a semblance of shut up into the crook of Toni’s neck and fails to suppress a laugh because it’s definitely true and Toni sees right through her.

 

They fall into comfortable silence and Shelby closes her eyes once she feels Toni’s breathing even out, figuring she’s dozed off. But Toni breaks the peaceful quiet after a minute or two, catching Shelby’s attention with a gentle shake of her shoulder.

 

“You said the picture was a ‘parting gift.’ Does that mean you’re leaving tonight?” she asks softly.

 

Shelby untucks herself from Toni, pulling away to look at her and gauge where exactly her head is at with Shelby's lengthy stay. 

 

They haven’t talked about it. 

 

It, meaning anything that would define or place their feelings and what exactly they’re meant to do about them— besides, of course, trapping themselves in Toni’s apartment for days on end to fuck, watch movies, and talk about anything and everything besides the future of their relationship.

 

Toni’s eyebrow is furrowed and she looks nervous, if not worried, about the possibilities of Shelby’s response. Nevertheless, she remains patient in letting Shelby explain herself, watching as Shelby rolls off of her to sit cross legged on the mattress instead. 

 

“I have to leave at some point, don’t I?”

 

Toni nods faintly, casting her eyes down towards the covers in disappointment that their glorious weekend is coming to a close; their dream-like bubble on the verge of being popped, as the last bit of sun disappears and nightfall creeps in its place.

 

Shelby continues, “What happens when I do?” 

 

It’s the question that’s been on the tip of her tongue for the past 48 hours, but gets squashed and forgotten the minute she hears Toni’s boisterous laugh or when she feels her comforting, soft hand rubbing at her back.

 

The carefree and goofy Toni from the past few days is a stark contrast to the current one, who’s serious and contemplative, shifting to properly sit up against the pillows and scan Shelby’s face.

 

She takes a deep breath and grabs Shelby’s hands, giving them a squeeze.

 

“I want to try and make this work. You and me. Fuck, Shelby I really like you— no I more than like you, if that wasn’t fucking obvious already. But, that doesn't mean we have to use labels or tell anyone, if you’re not ready for that. But, everything is so right with you and I’ve wanted to tell you for so long, you’re my— why is your face like that?”

 

Toni’s rambling, while sure to be devastatingly romantic, gets cut off short by the look on Shelby’s face. 

 

She can’t hide the overwhelming emotions of everything aligning so exquisitely, a moment she’s embarrassingly wished for and dreamed up in her head for months. She’s translating these feelings to Toni, who’s so much better at expressing her emotions than she is, through her facial expression. Which, unfortunately, makes looks like she could burst out into tears, laughter, or shock at any moment.

 

“I— I’m just,” Shelby doesn't know what to say and is certain it won’t match up to Toni’s perfect articulation of her feelings, anyways. So, she just dives forward and throws her arms around a surprised Toni in a bear-like hug. Toni’s breath catches in her throat from the sudden impact and she hesitantly moves her arms to wrap around Shelby’s frame. 

 

Eventually, Shelby pulls away, but can’t stop the idiotic smile from taking up her entire face. She gently rests her forehead against Toni’s.

 

“I more than like you too,” Shelby murmurs. 

 

In a matter of seconds, Toni’s face goes from mildly concerned to beautifully happy, and she tugs Shelby to lay back down onto her again.

 

…

 

Shelby goes home the next morning because, as it turns out, she and Toni were finally unable to ignore their busy calendars and all the responsibilities that lie ahead of their week. 

 

They part ways reluctantly, after a million goodbye kisses, and Shelby hardly recognizes herself as this loved-up, mushy person. Truthfully, she’s not sure if she loves or hates this new version of herself.

 

She barely has a foot in the door before Fatin runs out of her room, no doubt listening for the sound of Shelby’s keys in the door.

 

“I have a feeling I already know the answer, but for the sake of dramatic effect might I ask— where the fuck have you been?” Fatin asks. 

 

She purposefully looks Shelby up and down, no doubt in reference to Shelby’s clothing, which clearly doesn't belong to her. They’re always borrowing each other’s clothes, so Fatin knows her wardrobe inside and out. 

 

Shelby throws her keys into the dish and takes a step further into the apartment before shrugging innocently, “I don’t think you know her.” 

 

“Considering I know everyone, I find that hard to believe,” Fatin narrows her eyes, “How did you two meet then?”

 

Shelby teases, “We met at our intramural bowling league. She’s really good, so I asked her for pointers. One thing led to another and now we’re madly in love.” 

 

Shelby gives her a sarcastic smile, as she walks past Fatin and nonchalantly strolls into her bedroom. Fatin follows and leans against the doorframe, watching Shelby begin to clean the tornado of a mess she left behind.

 

“Bowling, huh? Funny, I can’t picture you rocking those clown shoes.”

 

“It took some time getting used to, but now I think they’re kind of chic.”

 

“Well, I hope your private sessions have helped improve your game,” Fatin says and taps her long nails on the doorframe.

 

“They have. I get a strike almost every time now.”

 

“Brilliant. So you’re saying you didn't spend all weekend getting fingerblasted by a certain actress we both know. She’s brunette. On the shorter side. Had a movie premiere a few days ago.”

 

Shelby turns around from shoving dirty clothes into her already-packed hamper, “Alright, you got me.”

 

“I fucking knew it!” Fatin shrieks and skips towards Shelby’s bed, throwing herself onto the mattress as she bounces excitedly like a kid in Disneyland.

 

“I knew it from the moment you left the party together. Tell me everything,” Fatin pleads. “You two obviously hooked up and you’ve been staying at hers. Are you guys official? Dating? Or are you just fucking— no, actually, I doubt you’d go for that.”

 

Shelby stands in front of the bed, hands glued to her hips, and laughs at Fatin’s over-excitement and nosy babbling. 

 

Usually, Shelby is a vault of secrets and bottled up emotion. 

 

In the past, she’s preferred to keep most aspects of her life private and to herself. The less people know about her family, the less she’ll get asked about how they’re doing out of pity. Similarly, the less anyone knows about her romantic life, the less she’ll have to rehash why her relationships never seem to last.

 

She’s never taken the opportunity to gush about a partner or dish about her love life because she’s never been interested in someone enough to. But, out of everyone, Fatin has always felt like the most comfortable person to let these details seep through to. 

 

Keeping feelings to herself is easy, the hard part is finding someone who understands.

 

“Yes, we hooked up. Yes, I’ve been sleeping at her place. No, we aren't official,” Shelby sits next to Fatin and hugs her knees to her chest. “But we’re… together? I’m not totally sure what to call it, but we’re keeping it on the down low, so don’t fucking tell anyone.”

 

“I solemnly swear,” Fatin says, using her hand to mockingly zip and lock her mouth closed. “But you’re still, like, working together? Won't that complicate things a little, I mean she’s technically your boss.”

 

“I’ve thought about it and yeah, we’re obviously going to keep it professional, but I don’t think it’ll be that hard. I mean, I’m her stylist not her accountant or whatever.”

 

And it’s true, Shelby has thought about it at length. She couldn't have pushed back her crippling fear of damaging their professional relationship if she didn't truly think they could make this work. 

 

It’s not that Shelby’s forgotten all the reasons behind the initial deterrence of their relationship. It’s that now, she’s decided that Toni is worth all those consequences and tough conversations— whatever they may be.

 

Fatin nods at Shelby, and the look in her eye communicates how proud she is that Shelby’s finally opened up to this bit of happiness she deserves.

 

…

 

Initially, the adjustment period of balancing their work and personal relationship is easier than Shelby could have hoped for.

 

Shelby goes to Toni’s for fittings and brings her some new pieces and when Rachel joins them, the pair act perfectly professional, business as usual. Eventually, as they finish up for the day, Toni will make up an excuse that prompts Shelby to stick around for a while longer.

 

Actually, Shelby’s taking me to a showroom after this.

 

Shelby, can you stay and help me clean out my closet? I’ve got way too much shit I don’t wear anymore.

 

Do you guys want to go out tonight? I got invited to a party in Brentwood.

 

A variation of the last one usually works because Rachel would never, ever agree to go out drinking on a weekday. And finally, once they’re alone, they’ll greet each other with the desperate kisses they’d been deprived of, and Toni will run out to grab the overnight bag Shelby’s left in her car. 

 

Except, they don’t always outright lie. 

 

In order to make themselves feel better about their ruse, sometimes Shelby does in fact take Toni to showrooms, where she’ll choose a few pieces to take home. And there’s the one time they actually did go out to a party— although they returned home well before midnight, stumbling into bed drunk, giggly, and with their hands all over each other.

 

But, today is different from the usual meet-ups at Toni’s place. 

 

Not only is Toni doing a photoshoot for her first magazine cover, but to Shelby’s surprise and Toni’s delight, they’ve miraculously asked Shelby to style it. 

 

She pretty much blacked out for the majority of the phone call, but Shelby remembers the creative director saying, “I love what you’re doing together. I’ll send over what I’m envisioning, but stick to whatever it is you do.”

 

Her old job at Rose can suck it because here she is, styling for a goddamn cover shoot. 

 

It’s exhilarating and challenging all the same, but ultimately Shelby’s favorite part of the whole experience is that she and Toni will be together for the entire day— Shelby in her element and Toni in her’s. 

 

It all revolves around the promotion of Toni’s movie; the shoot and accompanying interview is meant to paint Toni as the freshest face in Hollywood. Which won’t be very difficult to pull off considering Toni will no doubt charm the pants off of everyone in the room.

 

There are a lot of moving parts: a shit ton of people buzzing about the cramped studio, blinding lights turning up the temperature to an ungodly degree, and Shelby even has a team to help steam, press, and organize all the looks for today. This is the first time she’s been in charge of anything so big or had the authority to order anyone around and, as it turns out, she’s quite good at the bossiness of it all.

 

The day goes by in the blink of an eye and the photos turn out amazing— the camera loves Toni and every flash of the lens translates that beautifully. Despite the glamour of it all, Shelby remembers the polaroid she has of Toni’s bare, smiling face and knows it’s still her favorite photo by far.

 

It’s when Shelby asks someone to fetch her a safety pin and the Mcqueen combat boots laying in the corner that Toni leaves the snack table to join her by the racks of wardrobe.

 

“You’re kind of hot like this,” Toni whispers through a mouthful of almonds.

 

Shelby looks up from steaming the shirt Toni’s about to put on and shushes her. “Shhh, oh my God,” she looks around to make sure nobody’s within earshot. 

 

“No seriously, are you single?” 

 

“I don’t know, am I?” Shelby shoots her a teasing look, to which Toni matches immediately. They’re both fully aware the answer to that question has yet to be discussed.

 

Later into the afternoon, the photographer decides he’s happy with the photos and calls it quits for the day. He’s seemingly so pleased with the shots and Shelby’s work, that he asks if she’s free next month to style another spread. Wanting to appear booked and busy, she pulls up her calendar and ‘checks’ if she’s free on those dates— she is and they arrange a call for later next week. Shelby’s internally losing her fucking mind over how well she’s pulled it all off.

 

By the time Toni sits down in a plush chair against the studio’s backdrop with a journalist for her interview, Shelby’s almost done clearing everything up and thanks all the people who’ve helped her out today. For the most part, Shelby tries not to be nosy and successfully tunes Toni’s voice out. Instead of listening in on Toni politely answer each question, she focuses on carefully packing all the very expensive loaned-out clothing back into garment bags, as neat as she’d found them.

 

But, her ears instinctively perk up at the sound of one particular question.

 

“Now, since everyone’s dying to know, I simply have to ask— Is Toni Shalifoe single? Tell me, what's your relationship status?” 

 

In actuality, it’s an archaic question. And one that’s asked far too often to women in the business, whose romantic lives are obsessed over by the public and fixated on to a disturbing degree. While males in the industry are more likely to be asked questions that are more professional in nature, women time and time again are forced to discuss personal matters and the shallowness of their love lives or whether they have plans to start a family.

 

Shelby wonders if the journalist’s editor is a man and if she’d been pushed to ask Toni such a thoughtless question. Regardless, Shelby's attention zeroes in their conversation and she can see Toni shift nervously in her seat.

 

Shelby tries to remain inconspicuous by slightly turning in their direction to closely examine a dress; her eyes traveling from the beaded material over to Toni’s spot on the other side of the room. Toni fidgets with one of the rings on her finger and throws a glance over toward Shelby, managing to catch her eye for a brief second.

 

Toni’s discomfort and apprehension towards answering the question is kind of hilarious to Shelby, who stifles a smile and raises an eyebrow to the brunette across the room. Shelby’s certain that Toni hates her being here, listening in and watching her face heat up into that of a red tomato. In any case, she can’t help but think that Toni’s awkwardness, which is relatively uncharacteristic for the young actress, is incredibly endearing, no matter what her answer to the intrusive question might be.

 

Toni looks from Shelby’s amused face back to the journalist and exhales before continuing.

 

“Oh fuck it, you heard it here first. I’m happily taken.”

 

The reporter sits up a bit and looks genuinely shocked to have gotten a straight answer, as opposed to a vague roundabout deflection. “Really— oh my, well I’m very happy for you both.” Shelby’s just about short circuits and her eyes practically bug out her skull, as the dress she’d been holding slips from her hands onto the floor.

 

“Thank you,” Toni relaxes.

 

There’s no fucking way she actually just said that.

 

Except Toni did just say that, confirmed in the way Toni sneaks a glance over to Shelby—who is now the flustered one between them two—and slyly smiles, sending a quick wink her way.

 

…

 

Shelby can’t wait one more minute to show Toni just how thrilled she is by her little declaration— not even long enough for them to reach Shelby’s car in the parking lot, which they’re both leaving in. 

As they’re headed out of the studio, walking down a long corridor towards the office building’s exit, Shelby looks all around to make sure nobody’s walking behind them. Decidedly in the clear, she grabs Toni’s hand before dragging them both into a room labeled ‘supply closet.’

 

Toni lets out an appreciative groan, as Shelby pushes her back against the door of the dark, cramped closet and welcomes Shelby’s impatient mouth on hers. It’s a fervent kiss that sets the tone of their closet quickie: frantic, rough, and with the goal of a quick orgasm.

 

Shelby’s wandering hands run down Toni’s stomach over her shirt and travel down towards the button of her jeans, with Toni already lifting her hips from against the door to help Shelby quickly peel off the denim. But Shelby’s hand stills against the waistband, as she pulls away slightly, long enough to make Toni inquisitively open her eyes and meet Shelby’s stare.

 

“So if you’re taken, what’s that make me?” asks Shelby, her lips brushing up against Toni’s mouth in a smile. 

 

Toni reaches up to wrap her arms around Shelby’s neck and pulls her in for another kiss, murmuring, “It makes you my girlfriend.” She takes a brief pause and adds, “If that’s what you want.”

 

Even in the pitch dark of the grungy supply closet, Shelby can see the hopeful delirium shining in Toni’s eyes. There isn't a circumstance in the world that would ever stop Shelby from saying yes.

 

She nods, even if Toni can’t see her do it, and says, “That’s what I want. And I’d like for you to be mine.”

 

She feels Toni breathe out a laugh, like she can’t believe they’ve finally made it here and that they’re having this discussion inside a supply closet.

 

“This isn't the most romantic place to have made it official, but I’ll take it,” Toni laughs again. 

 

Laughter eventually turns to breathy moans, as they’re kissing again and Shelby wastes no time in dropping to her knees, dragging Toni’s jeans and underwear down to the ground in one swoop.

 

Shelby quickly stands back up, attaching her mouth to Toni’s neck, hungry and greedy, as she starts to rub her fingers in between Toni’s legs, hard against her clit— in the way she’s quickly learned Toni likes. 

 

And once Shelby’s properly fucking her against the door and Toni’s nails painfully dig into her shoulder, the sound of Toni’s ass repeatedly hitting the back of the door gets way too obvious for anyone potentially walking by. 

 

Toni’s right— it’s not exactly the most romantic scenario.

 

But, Shelby has a lot of feelings about accepting Toni’s heart and her’s being accepted in return. Most of them being how much it makes her happy in an unrecognizable way and wants to do everything right to make sure it lasts forever. 

 

Any world in which Toni feels an ounce the same is miraculous. So in Shelby’s head, even inside the supply closet is absolutely perfect.

 

Notes:

sorry for the long wait eek

i'm (finally) on twitter and plan on posting outfit inspo for the fic and obviously s2 chat! follow me: @sj_writess

as always, thank you for reading :)

Chapter 10

For the first time ever, Shelby feels like her life is almost perfect. 

 

The absence of impending doom is a foreign feeling. Nonetheless, it’s certainly welcomed and grants a new kind of weightlessness because, for Shelby, the weight of her world feels especially heavy more often than not.

 

The intimidating, yet thrilling, possibility that she might have actually found her person in Toni pops into her mind. She treats the thought like a timid secret. Pretending her feelings are a classified piece of information, so she can avoid the risk of being too much, too fast, and the terrifying possibility of such grand feelings being non-reciprocated.

 

Shelby also feels like she’s on thin ice. 

 

She’s miraculously earned the honor of calling Toni her girlfriend and has managed to not completely fuck up the relationship in the first honeymoon-ish few weeks. Everything is working out, uncharacteristically, well. 

 

And yes, while she gets the sensation that she’s walking on thin ice, it’s less tip-toeing with trepidation and more like she’s figure skating; enjoying a rhythmic glide across the ice and hoping it won’t start to crack underneath her.

 

Shelby’s been going the extra mile, just to make sure she’s doing everything right in being a good girlfriend. In being the best girlfriend in the world because Toni deserves that and is so naturally apt at the role herself.

 

She happily listens to the minuscule details of Toni’s day. In fact, she relishes in how she’s the only one who gets to hear the tiny details that anybody else would find utterly boring. If Toni’s on a work call, Shelby will make her a coffee or tea, so it’s ready and waiting for her to drink once she hangs up. She dotes on Toni and sends cute text messages throughout the day and always lets Toni play her music in the car. 

 

She’ll suffer through watching nature documentaries even though she fucking hates them and falls asleep within the first ten minutes every single time. But, she settles because Toni loves them, and she really loves when Toni tries to wake her up afterwards with little kisses, so they can move from the couch to the bed upstairs.

 

All in all, work is busier than ever and while Shelby can afford to move into her own place, she likes coming home to Fatin’s annoying face. 

 

Her parents have been off her back since Melody’s birthday and the guilt tripping texts have ceased altogether.

 

She’s getting fucked on the regular and is so wrapped up in Toni that she’s practically a breathing puddle of mush at this point.

 

Everything is basically perfect. 

 

Until it’s not.

 

… 

 

Shelby realizes that somewhere along the way, she may have fucked up a little bit. It all comes to light one revealing evening at Toni’s.

 

It’s nightfall by the time Shelby finishes up at an industry dinner being hosted by a big ass designer. The event is stuffy and full of fake niceties. And while the tablescape is gorgeous, it’s paired with the dullest conversations Shelby’s had the displeasure of participating in recently. 

 

Nevertheless, it was important for her to accept the invitation, and even more important for her to be seen in attendance: mingling and eating and being really fucking charming all around. Not to mention, doing it all as the best dressed guest. She’s paired a vintage black bodice with some bright pink trousers, which have proved to be quite the conversation starter.

 

By the time dessert rolls around, Shelby actually can’t wait to escape any longer, too impatient, and she deems it a safe enough time to ditch the whole affair. She rushes out, hoping the mindless chatter is loud enough to mask the obnoxious clanking of her heels, and sneaks out to the valet under the guise of an Irish goodbye. 

 

She’s got much more pressing plans of spending the night at Toni’s. And fully plans on pushing the speed limit, so their reunion comes as quickly as humanly possible.

 

Oddly enough, there’s a smidge of humidity in the air tonight, and by the fair amount of clouds obscuring the usually clear night sky, it looks like it’s about to start raining. Given how there’s been a nasty drought, the smell of damp earth is actually welcomed. The much needed rain doesn't necessarily make the night gloomy or heavy, but offers restoration.

 

Shelby sends Toni a text, letting her know she’s on her way over. But, naturally, as the picture of perfection in a girlfriend, the blonde stops along the way to pick up flowers for her dearly beloved, despite the droplets beginning to fall from the sky. 

 

The selection of flowers at the grocery store is shit, but Shelby does her best to scour for a decent bouquet, leaving with a pretty-enough bunch of orange tulips and a bottle of wine she knows Toni likes.

 

When she knocks on Toni’s door, rapidly in succession, it’s with a barely containable smile— flowers and wine hidden not-so discreetly behind her back. They haven't seen each other in two whole days.

 

Shelby hears a muffled, “Coming!” from behind the door, along with the sound of hurried footsteps. It’s not long before Toni gets the door, answering with a smile that reveals how Shelby hasn’t been alone in her anticipation.

 

Shelby hates herself for it, but she feels heat beginning to radiate from her face, as she breaks into a blush. Because when someone looks at you like you’re this special and this missed, it hits you in a surreal way that makes you awkwardly not know where to place your hands or even where to look.

 

“Surprise,” Shelby sing-songs, showing off her sweet little gifts and extending them towards a taken aback Toni, who gasps as she looks down at the flowers.

 

“This is for me?” Toni asks in amazement, jutting her lip out while Shelby scoots past her through the door and into the apartment.

 

“Obviously for you,” Shelby replies and hands her the bouquet, keeping the bottle of wine. “Well, the wine is for both of us. It’s raining, which I feel is a strong enough reason for us to drink tonight.”

 

“Agreed,” Toni says, sounding far-off, too busy admiring the bunch of flowers in her hands. Nobody has ever given Toni flowers before. Well at least not in a romantic way, since congratulatory gifts from studio execs don’t exactly count.

Lost in thought and transfixed by Shelby’s efforts, Toni doesn't follow, or even seem to notice, when Shelby walks through to the kitchen, already digging through the drawers in search of a wine opener. 

 

Toni calls after her, “How was the thing?”

 

“Oh you know, crawling with freakishly tall, good-looking giraffes. I’ve had better table talk, but the hors d'oeuvres were good.”

 

She hears Toni laugh, but it sounds detached, which prompts her to look up from rummaging through the untidy kitchen drawer. Toni’s still standing in the same spot by the door, looking around the apartment, and Shelby can tell she’s trying to figure out the best spot for the flowers to live.

 

For a split second, Shelby second-guesses and thinks: shit, does she hate orange?

 

But, she quickly snaps herself, and Toni, out of it with a soft clearing of her throat. Toni looks over to see Shelby with her arms wide open, inviting Toni to step into her embrace. 

 

Too distracted before, they’d bypassed a proper greeting, and Toni softens, mumbling an apology and setting the flowers down. She walks straight into Shelby’s arms for a hug, nuzzling her nose just right below Shelby’s ear. They spend a long few seconds with their arms wrapped tightly around each other and Shelby reacquaints herself with the unique calmness she only feels while she’s in Toni’s orbit. 

 

When Toni pulls away first to lean her head back, asking for a kiss, Shelby obliges and meets her lips in a way that hopefully communicates, I haven't told you in so many words, but I love you so much it physically hurts. 

 

They kiss for a long while, gently at first and then less so. Shelby could get used to this feeling of coming home to Toni after a long day's work.

 

When they finally pull away, Shelby runs her thumb across Toni’s cheek and asks, “There’s a card. Did you see it?” She nods her head over towards the flowers.

 

“No, I didn't see a card,” Toni replies, biting down on her lip to contain a goofy smile. She pulls away slightly, finally taking the time to look Shelby up and down before noting, “You look beautiful, as always.” 

 

“Thank you,” Shelby murmurs. She looks towards the flowers again and presses, “Go read it, please.” 

 

Toni nods and subsequently pulls out of Shelby’s arms, going to pick out the small piece of paper hidden between the stems. She dramatically clears her throat before reading out loud.

 

Toni,

 

I think you're sexy.

I think you’re cute.

Tell me,

Are you as turned on right now as I am too?

 

Love,

Shelby

 

Toni looks up from the card, “You’re so romantic.”

 

“Only the best for you.”

 

“You need to work on your rhyming,” Toni narrows her eyes.

 

Shelby sticks her tongue out at her, but Toni thanks her again with one more kiss before setting off to find a vase. Shelby opens the wine and once again thinks she could get used to nights like this.

 

…

 

Not even two hours later, they’re both sufficiently tipsy. The bottle is completely empty and so are their glasses, stained red at the rim from equally stained lips. 

 

Red wine either makes Shelby one of two ways: giggly or sleepy. Tonight, it’s the former and she’s finding the episode of Friends she and Toni are watching a lot funnier than she typically would. 

 

They decided to rewatch the sitcom together a while ago, all the way from the beginning, and have it playing in the background while they eat takeout or sometimes right before bed. 

 

Or moments like right now, with Shelby all happy from the wine and perfectly content with her legs draped over Toni’s lap. Toni runs her hand over Shelby’s bare legs, massaging at her skin. And it feels good, so good that Shelby’s stomach tightens every time Toni goes in with a bit more pressure.

 

They’re watching the infamous “We were on a break” episode of the show— the one where Rachel finds out Ross slept with another woman while they’d been fighting. Both Shelby and Toni are in agreement that Ross is an insecure asshole who never deserved Rachel in the first place.

 

“Look at him squirming,” Shelby rolls her eyes at the television. “Ross is so pathetic trying to defend himself, right now.”

 

Toni nods in agreement, “He just is pathetic. I never understood why they made Rachel take him back later on.”

 

“Well, because it’s Ross and Rachel. Rachel and Ross. They’re the main couple of the show,” Shelby puts it plainly.  

 

“Ugh,” Toni grumbles. “I hate that. Rachel is way out of his league. She deserves someone that doesn't have the audacity to let their ego get in the way and ruin the relationship at the first sign of trouble.”

 

“I definitely don't disagree with you. I just think they’d been hyped up for so many years, that they had to end up together for, like, the audience's sake,” Shelby explains. 

 

“Well, that ruined it for me— cheaters don’t deserve shit.”

 

Shelby moves her eyes over towards Toni, still softly rubbing at Shelby’s legs, and observes her for a moment. Toni’s finality on the subject makes Shelby wonder if any of her previous relationships have been tainted by infidelity. If she’s been hurt in that way before.

 

They haven’t really talked about their past relationships. 

 

Shelby thinks back on the moonlit walk they’d taken through Toni’s neighbourhood all those months ago. When they’d shared stories from their past— some lighthearted and others more vulnerable—  and recalls Toni mentioning a highschool girlfriend. It’s the only time an ex has ever been brought up.

 

At that time, Toni had just become a new friend. 

 

Even so, Shelby had been consumed with infatuation from the start. Whether it was lust, fascination, or possibly love, whatever feeling it might have been, it drove Shelby to memorize every word Toni had uttered that night. And spent hours, days even, scrolling through Instagram and playing detective to find any and all of Toni’s past lovers. That way, she could compare herself, obsess over, and envy any woman who’d ever been so lucky to have Toni in the way she so desperately wanted. She didn't find much, but anyways, here she is now.

 

Shelby takes a beat to look back at the couple fighting on screen and breathes in.

 

“Have you ever been… cheated on? In the past,” Shelby asks with a certain trepidation in her voice. 

 

Her face remains set on the television, but she feels Toni glance over in her direction. Her hand stills on Shelby’s leg and she reaches over to grab the remote off the coffee table, turning the volume down a few notches.

 

“Not literally, no. I haven’t been,” Toni shifts a little on the couch to better face Shelby and bites her lip, gathering her thoughts. Shelby moves her legs off of her lap, so Toni can sit more comfortably herself.

 

“But I do feel like I’ve been emotionally cheated on, if that makes sense,” Toni says.

 

Shelby tilts her head, “I think it makes sense, yeah.” 

 

“Whether it’s been ex’s, my mom, or foster parents growing up. It’s like everyone just takes and takes the pieces of me that fit them best at the moment they need me. But have no problem leaving me when, I don’t know, I— I’ve served my purpose. Being dumped and shuffled around my entire childhood didn't exactly paint the picture that I was easily loveable. Martha was the only person whose love I felt wasn't transactional.” 

 

 Shelby nods, understands. 

 

“I’m sorry, Toni,” Shelby whispers, her face crumpled in distress over hearing Toni speak so bleakly. 

 

“It’s okay,” Toni shrugs, as if it’s a fact she’s accepted long ago.

 

Toni continues “Even now, I love what I do, and I love that people seem to love me. But, I’m fully aware it’s only because I’m… valuable. I’m a good actor— I can memorize lines and make an audience feel things, but isn't that all I am at the end of the day?” There’s a slight furrow to Toni’s brow, as she lets out a bitter laugh. “I still feel like I can't really trust anyone.”

 

Shelby waits for an ‘except for you,’ but it doesn't come.

 

She doesn't want to make this moment about herself, but Toni’s words, or lack thereof do, admittedly, sting. They sting because she’s failed to account for the blind adoration that Shelby has spilling out of her on the cushion over. They hurt because evidently Shelby hasn't done enough for Toni to confidently say she’s different from the rest.

 

Shelby looks from Toni towards the fogged-up window and watches the rain hit the glass for a few seconds, swallowing down her rejection.

 

Her heart aches for a lonely and deserted Toni, and sympathises with the pain of feeling entirely unlovable. But, she knows Toni’s circumstance is entirely different and darker in so many ways. She sees how dealing with her mother’s addiction takes its toll on Toni currently — how her days can so easily swing from good to bad with a memory or, even worse, a phone call.

 

Shelby thinks she understands Toni better now. And that she’s getting into the very thick of it all. Things like why Toni is the way she is, why her relationship with Martha is so sacred, or why Shelby sometimes has to loosen the too tight grip Toni has around her while they sleep. 

 

Toni sits up a bit straighter and also looks out towards the steady stream of rain. From the corner of her eye, Shelby can see Toni fiddling with the rings on her fingers. 

 

“So, no. I haven't been cheated on in the past. But, I do believe that betraying someone who trusts you, feels safe with you, and loves you, makes you the worst type of person there is,” Toni says resolutely and with finality.

 

Another memory comes to Shelby, from what feels like a lifetime ago. It’s Toni drunk and crying on this very couch— clinging to Shelby and begging her to never hurt her.

 

Shelby is smart enough to know that Toni’s words aren’t weightless— that Toni means what she says, and means to tell Shelby this deliberately. 

 

She’s indirectly asking Shelby not to become one of the many people who’ve let her down. And is indirectly letting Shelby know what she’d think of her, if she were to be. 

 

And this time, the words sting as if Toni has slapped her across the face herself. First, because Toni feels a warning is necessary in the first place; reprimanding her for a crime she hasn't yet committed. Second, because Shelby knows Toni would think her past is despicable and, as a result, probably never fully earn the trust Toni gives out so sparingly. 

 

Before tonight, Shelby had naively believed she’d already earned it blindly.

 

There’s maybe a foot of space between them on the couch now, but Shelby feels it as an abyss between them. Shelby tries to regain both composure and reassurance by offering some comfort.

 

“I’ll never be one of those people, okay?” Shelby says, pushing her hurt deeper inside to instead reach out across the couch, grabbing Toni’s hand in hers. She gives it a gentle squeeze. 

 

Shelby searches the side of Toni’s face and waits for her to look over, to search what’s going on behind those big brown eyes. And when she does, Toni puts on a halfhearted smile that’s not nearly convincing enough. So, Shelby persists. 

 

“I might make you really angry. I might not always do the right thing. I might act selfish ‘cause it’s the only thing I know,” Shelby pauses to make a face, to acknowledge her shortcomings. 

 

“I share all of your fears because I know you’re too good for me. But, do you know the first thing I do when I wake up every morning? My mind goes straight to you and I think, what’s Toni thinking right now? I open my eyes and think about your face, I think about your voice, I think about what you’re thinking and wonder if it’s about me. It’s an incredibly embarrassing routine of mine, but it reminds me how in it I am with you.”

 

Their hands are sweaty, clasped together and Shelby’s sure it’s down to her and the exertion of redeeming herself. In any case, based on the small smile now dawned on Toni’s face, she can feel both their moods brighten a little. 

 

Shelby continues, “Please don’t doubt my feelings for you, they’re the only thing I’m sure of.” 

 

Bringing their joint hands up to her face, Shelby devotedly kisses each one of Toni’s knuckles. She plants her lips across all of them once, then again, and finally once on the back of her hand. 

 

“I feel the same,” Toni admits.

 

Toni uses the same hand to tug Shelby towards her, until the blonde is forced to clumsily scoot forward. The abyss is finally closed once Shelby’s close enough to lean into Toni and feels herself get wrapped up by a pair of strong, comforting arms.

 

The anxiety from the past few minutes is officially put to rest once Toni kisses the top of her head, and Shelby lets out a deep breath. She closes her eyes.

 

“How about you?” Toni asks.

 

Apparently, the conversation isn't over.

 

“Hm?” Shelby’s eyes open again, but she doesn't move her head from its place on Toni’s shoulder.

 

“I mean, like, have you ever dealt with cheating? Or have any fucked up trust issues I should know about,” Toni says, lighthearted despite the serious topic. Like she’s genuinely interested in hearing Shelby open up, and wants to address anything that would ultimately make their relationship stronger, more intimate.

 

Shelby pretends to think about her answer and sighs, calmly. 

 

“No, I haven't.”

 

Liar.

 

"Really, no crazy exes?”

 

“Thankfully, no,” Shelby tries to keep her voice even.

 

I’m sure Becca would call me the crazy ex. And if you ever met her, she’d tell you to stay far away from me.

 

"Any bad breakups?” Toni looks surprised by her answers.

 

“Nope, it’s all pretty standard stuff.”

 

Well, I cheated on my first and only girlfriend before you because I thought it’d make my dad love me, in a fucked up sort of way. Then accused her of the most unforgivable things and fled to the opposite end of the country without even saying goodbye.

 

“Not even in New York? C’mon knowing you, I’m sure all sorts of you have wild stories,” she asks incredulously. 

 

Oh, the place I had to leave because I was actually fired from my job— which I also lied to you about.

 

Shelby shrugs and gently shakes her head. Outwardly calm and collected, as the lies keep piling up, blaring like a siren in her mind.

 

Toni tilts her head and, interestingly enough, lets out the tiniest groan, like Shelby’s intentionally hiding a juicy story from her. She kind of shakes Shelby in her arms, which prompts Shelby to pull away from her side and give Toni something, anything.

 

“After highschool, I dated a girl who was a family friend through church. We broke up before I moved. And in New York, I was a giant slut, but I dare not reveal any more details because you’d get very jealous and it’d be pointless. In my mind, nobody counts before you, anyways.”

 

Desperately wanting this conversation to be over with, Shelby concludes that flattery is probably a good diversion into something less… serious and interrogation-like. 

 

Shelby looks at Toni expectantly, waiting for any further, probing questions her girlfriend may have. 

 

“Fine,” Toni narrows her eyes. “You obviously don’t want to talk about it.”

 

“No, I really don’t,” Shelby bites back too quickly.

 

And then, things are awkward and uncomfortable, so they're both forced to look back at the television that’s since gone onto the next episode. 

 

Outside, the rain has gotten louder, which Shelby is thankful for since it fills the room with an extra bit of background noise. 

 

The space between them seems greater than before, especially now that Toni’s arms are tightly crossed against her chest. This time, Shelby decides she won’t be the one to close the gap, and that Toni can come to her, if she wants. A choice that stems from annoyance, but there’s also a tinge of embarrassment. 

 

Thirty irritating minutes later, they’ve watched one more episode in sheer silence and Toni says she’s tired and wants to go to bed.

 

“Okay,” Shelby mumbles and waits for Toni to get up from the couch first. But, she’s surprised once Toni scoots in closer towards her and places a tender kiss on her cheek. It’s not what she was expecting, but it does lead Shelby to turn her head and close the gap between them. 

 

They kiss until the air is ultimately filled with a different kind of tension, and Shelby gives in, pulling Toni on top of her. This method of reconciliation is definitely preferred over a more productive, healthier alternative per se.

 

Toni bites on her lip hard enough that it stings a tiny bit. But, Shelby isn’t exactly expecting sweet and careful love making at the moment— nor does she want it. Shelby drags her nails up Toni’s back, dragging her t-shirt up and off with the motion.

 

With the way they’re kissing, Shelby knows her lips will be swollen and red. But even still, she tries to pull Toni down even further, wanting to feel the full weight of her. The attempt is pointless, as Toni is as close as she can get, with only enough room to sneak her hand in between their bodies, moving her fingers in between Shelby’s legs. 

 

Shelby opens her legs wider for Toni to properly touch her and forgets all about them being short with each other just a few moments before. She moans, loud, into Toni’s mouth, as Toni rubs and teases Shelby over her underwear. She’s wet and ready for Toni to be inside her, but she also knows that Toni won’t let her have it that easily. Not tonight.

 

What she doesn't expect, but certainly welcomes, is Toni swiftly moving off of Shelby and off the couch to get onto her knees, on the floor.

Toni kneels in front of the couch and roughly drags Shelby’s hips over to the edge with a deliberate tug. It’s all a seamless, continuous motion, and as soon as Shelby’s comfortable with her hips just perked on the edge of the cushion, Toni’s already onto the next step of peeling off her bottoms. She throws them onto the ground next to her.

 

And, fuck, then Toni’s mouth is on her. 

 

With this angle, Shelby can see all of Toni’s face, buried deep in between her legs. Toni looks up— watching Shelby watch her. 

 

It’s really fucking hard not to— with Toni’s mouth latched onto her, using her tongue to quickly, knowingly drive Shelby over the edge— so, Shelby uses her hand to keep Toni’s head firmly in place.

 

Immediately, Shelby feels Toni shifting. Toni moves her arms from where they are, wrapped around Shelby’s thighs, to readjust and hitch one of Shelby’s legs over her shoulder, while pushing the other leg wider with the force of her hand. The movement makes Shelby’s hand slip because in this new position, it’s not as easy for Shelby to reach Toni’s head. 

 

She grips onto the sofa cushion underneath her instead.

 

Okay, so Toni doesn't want her having any control. Which becomes even more obvious once Shelby starts to buck her hips up, subtly grinding onto the length of Toni’s tongue for just a few seconds. Toni looks up at her with dark eyes and hums disapprovingly. 

 

She squeezes Shelby’s thigh and stops using her tongue all together, instead focusing on her clit with a not-so-gentle suck.

 

While Toni not letting Shelby take what she wants is really fucking hot, she’s basically asking to be provoked. So, Shelby digs her heel hard into Toni’s back, as a form of reprisal. 

 

Toni groans loudly and pulls away, instead latching her mouth onto the soft skin of Shelby’s inner thigh. She goes straight in and bites down, hard, onto her thigh and Shelby knows it’s going to leave a mark. 

 

Thank God. 

 

They’re yet to break eye contact. Looking into Toni’s eyes is always revealing, and thrilling. Her beautiful expressiveness means Shelby usually has a pretty good read of what’s going on in Toni’s head. But at this moment, it’s not as clear. 

 

Once Toni really starts to use her mouth, expertly in the way she can get Shelby to finish faster and harder than anyone ever has— ever will— Shelby can’t fight it anymore and squeezes her eyes shut. 

 

She rests her head back, accepts defeat, and grips harder onto the cushion to let Toni take her to the end.

 

Toni uses her hand to press down onto Shelby’s stomach, trying to keep her still and in place, as Shelby’s back arches up and off the couch. The rain, so loud before, is now masked altogether by the sound of Shelby’s moans. 

 

Toni keeps using her mouth, her tongue, her lips to work Shelby through her orgasm. Doesn’t even detach her mouth once Shelby slowly starts to come down and regain her breath.

 

Shelby’s eyes flutter open and she looks down at Toni, still using her tongue. It seems like Toni honestly might be ready to make her come again based on the quiet moan she lets out from between Shelby’s legs. And, usually, Shelby would be down for getting right back into it, but she feels a bit sensitive tonight.

 

Shelby shifts, finally registering how hot she is, as the shirt she’s still wearing clings onto her back with sweat. 

 

“Baby,” Shelby says softly, to get Toni’s attention. She smiles hesitantly once Toni looks up at her, and uses her hand to smooth out Toni’s hair, tucking a stray piece behind her ear.

 

Toni matches her smile and pulls away, so Shelby can unwrap her legs from around Toni’s upper body. Once she’s sat up again with her legs crossed underneath herself and Toni rejoins her on the couch, Shelby feels a bit more clarity. She wants more than anything to make sure they’re okay. That any unwanted tension from earlier is officially over and done with.

 

“I’m sorry for being weird earlier,” Shelby says, and winces from the awkwardness of having to bring it up again.

 

Toni shakes her head and looks at her reassuringly, “It’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it.”

 

And so, they don’t. 

 

Sealing the conversation off with one last kiss, Shelby goes to the bathroom to get ready for bed and Toni heads up to her bedroom, grabbing Shelby some clothes to sleep in. 

 

It’s as they brush their teeth together, side by side, and Toni says something to make Shelby laugh so hard that she accidentally spits toothpaste all over the mirror, making them both laugh even harder, that Shelby knows they’re going to be okay. Outside, the rain has finally settled. 

 

When they're cuddled up and falling asleep later that night, Shelby once again feels happy, safe, and warm all over. 

 

She does, however, feel the very first crack begin to form in the thin ice beneath her.

Notes:

thank you sooooooo much for reading

follow me on twitter: @sj_writess

Chapter 11

Notes:

i'm sorry for the wait, missed you though xoxo

song for this chapter: kingston by faye webster

The word ‘interesting’ is possibly the worst (and most overused) word in the English language. 

 

It’s a linguistic opinion that Shelby holds highly. 

 

More often than not, interesting is an automatic response someone goes for when they don’t fully comprehend what’s going on during a conversation. It’s a crutch word that makes uninquisitive people appear engaged in conversation, when in actuality, they’re waiting for the opportune moment to start talking about themselves again.

 

Another reason for the excessive use of ‘interesting’ is that it’s somehow become a consolation response for when a person isn’t actually listening to whatever is being said to them.

 

“Oh, that’s interesting.” Insert meaningless head nod and blank look behind the eyes.

 

A few years ago (around the time Shelby decided to be the type of person others can’t stop thinking about, even after she’s left a room) is when she first picked up on the annoyance of an adjective. In her personal project of refining her own impression, she began to observe what made likeable and powerful people just that. One reason is that they don’t respond to anything with a lifeless ‘interesting.’

 

Truth be told, it’s not the dictionary's fault this word sucks— it’s human nature’s doing. To be specific, Shelby found two contrasting differences between how men and women implement this word into their respective vocabularies:

 

Women say ‘interesting’ because they fear being perceived as unintelligent or— god forbid— impolite. Men say ‘interesting’ because they don’t actually care about what others (primarily women) have to say in the first place and don’t pretend that they do.

 

Shelby isn't fond of men.

 

In fact, she thinks she hates them. 

 

Shelby used to be afraid of men since her dad preached of a fearsome, all-knowing, and vengeful God. The explicitly male God, of course. Not to mention, her own father portrayed himself as someone she’d been meant to fear and follow blindly. But, Shelby’s a grown woman now. And she now sees that the egomaniac contributing to fifty percent of her genetic-makeup thinks of himself as the actual God— reading from the gospel and secretly believing he could’ve done a better job at writing it. 

 

Once she figured out that straight cisgendered men go about their lives swinging their dicks around and draining all meaning out of perfectly-fine words like ‘interesting,’ she— similarly to her opinion of the tired phrase— finds them ineffective and disappointing. 

 

She decides to pick Toni’s brain on the whole language dichotomy. 

 

It’s afternoon and the weather’s warm. Insistent on soaking up the sun, Toni sits outside, calmly reading on the balcony of her apartment. Insistent on clearing her inbox, Shelby sits inside, responding to emails at the cluttered dining table.

 

Already bored and displeased with being more than an arm's length away from Toni, missing her through the glass door that separates them, Shelby briskly shuts her laptop closed and makes her way towards the small outdoor space.

 

Shelby’s presence is announced by the loud scraping of metal hinges, as she slides the terrace door open.

 

Toni looks up from her book and smiles, placing the paperback open on her chest, as she squints up at the blonde. From her short while laying out in the sun, Shelby can already see the slightest tan forming on the peaks of Toni’s shoulders. If it were Shelby in the same spot, her coloring would be a tinge more red and she’d already be uncomfortable from the emerging burn.

 

“Would you describe me as interesting?” Shelby asks, leaning against the door frame.

 

“Are you fishing for compliments?”

 

“Always. But, not so much now, no.”

 

Toni lifts an eyebrow, obviously curious— and a tad suspicious— as to what it is Shelby’s fishing for. She marks her page and places the book down onto the floor, under the lounger chair.

 

“‘Interesting’ is an odd way to describe someone. Sure, I can call you that, but what about the things that would ultimately make you an interesting person? How about you’re smart but also sensitive. You’re complicated but kind. You’re deliberately annoying but I do think you’re the funniest person I know.”

 

Shelby knew she’d get it. She’s never heard Toni fall back on useless language for the sake of being agreeable.

 

“Is that a good answer?” Toni asks with an amused smile playing at her lips when Shelby doesn't respond.

 

“It is. Thank you. You passed.”

 

Toni spreads her legs open and softly pats against the hard cushion, inviting Shelby to take a seat. Not having to be told twice, Shelby slides the door closed behind her and scooches up the lounge chair, nestling into the space between Toni’s thighs. At first, she leans comfortably back, until she eventually turns onto her side to tightly wrap both arms around Toni’s midsection. She rests her cheek comfortably on Toni’s chest. 

 

Toni’s body is warm from her time in the sun, which makes Shelby feel like she’s currently lying against a furnace. But, she doesn't care at all and exhales as Toni’s arms fall around her shoulders in turn. 

 

“Well, what about me? Am I interesting, you fucking weirdo?” Toni laughs.

 

Shelby takes a beat to think on her answer before lifting her head to place a wet, sloppy kiss against Toni’s tanned shoulder. 

 

“No, you’re not. You’re magnificent in every sense of the word.”

 

Toni hums her thanks and after a few serene minutes of silence, she reaches underneath the chair for her book, picking up where she left off. This time, with the pages perched open against Shelby’s shoulder. They lay together for so long that Shelby regrets not having put on sunscreen. 

 

With every turn of the page, she appreciates the graze of Toni’s fingers against her bare shoulder. With each passing moment, she feels the fabric of Toni’s tank top form an imprint onto the side of her face. As the sun rises higher and the temperature becomes hotter, she smells how Toni’s skin turns the slightest bit saltier.

 

In this moment, Shelby feels like saying it, so she does.

 

“I love you,” Shelby says steadily into the open air. 

 

Hearing the words out loud for the first time sounds neither monumental nor unfamiliar. Shelby’s already said them a thousand times in her head. 

 

Each time she hangs up the phone— i love you. 

 

While they make love; doesn’t matter who's fucking who, morning, afternoon, or night— i love you.

 

Anything really— i love you.

 

And with every big-step Shelby’s taken throughout the course of their relationship, every time she’s put her heart on the line, she’s done so with trepidation and self-doubt. But in telling Toni that she loves her, she feels nothing but peace and elation all over.

 

From where her ear is pressed against Toni’s chest, she can feel Toni’s heartbeat turn erratic, skipping a few beats or maybe speeding up altogether. And she almost laughs when she hears the spine of Toni’s book hit the floor haphazardly— landing on the ground with a loud thud. 

 

“I love you, too,” Toni says. The words are intermingled with a breathless laugh, surely from surprise. But, Shelby hears the smile in Toni’s voice, which in turn makes her smile all the same. 

 

She isn't surprised when she tilts her head up to see the joy she feels in her heart reflected in Toni’s dazzling expression.

 

“I wanted to say it first,” Toni whines half-heartedly, through her toothy grin. 

 

“Sorry,” Shelby says, though she’s not sorry one bit. “I beat you to it.”

 

Shelby hears herself laugh, a laugh so sickeningly sweet she can hardly believe it’s from her own mouth, and shifts from her current place in-between Toni’s legs. She climbs up, squeezing into the little extra room on the tiny chair, so she can lay directly next to Toni and reach her awaiting lips.

 

There’s barely room for the both of them, but they make it work in the way they press their bodies close together and Toni hitches her leg up onto Shelby’s waist, sharing breath and unable to peel their lips away from the other. 

 

It’s Shelby’s favorite kiss they’ve ever shared. Even better than their first— a frenzied, wanting, glorious mess in a bathroom stall. Since then, each kiss has somehow grown more harmonious and familiar, while still feeding that initial passion. Now, the feeling of Toni’s lips on hers is an acknowledgement of their confession, a beautiful nod to all the times either one of them has almost said it or felt it deep down, but hadn't quite been ready to put it into words.

 

When they pull away, it’s for a mere few seconds because when Toni whispers, “I love you,” again into Shelby’s mouth, the blonde can’t help but pull Toni’s face back towards her again. 

 

They repeat the words back and forth, summing up countless giggly, love-struck i love yous and the softest of kisses. It’s after a long while that they finally realize how ridiculous they both sound. 

 

“If anyone were to overhear us right now, they’d be sick to their stomach,” Toni says, as their giddiness slowly wears off and they’ve pulled away long enough to properly speak.

 

“I know, it’s gross. Are we turning into one of those couples that nobody can stand to be within a five mile radius of?”

 

“Oh God. I hope not. We’ve got to get a grip.”

 

Shelby decides she doesn't care if other people don’t like it and that she probably won’t manage to control herself anyways. And that she kind of likes the idea of someone like Fatin scoffing when they kiss or poking fun if Shelby were to tell Toni she looks beautiful that day. In any case, Fatin is realistically the only person who can truly make these fantasies come to light, as she’s the only person in this city who knows about their relationship. The thought is bitter-sweet.

 

“Whatever. We’re cute.”

 

And unlike the word ‘interesting,’ Shelby knows that no matter how many times she tells Toni she loves her, the words will never lose their meaning.

…

The paparazzi can go to hell.

 

It all started with a series of blurry, yet identifiable, photos and an obnoxious headline: Toni Shalifoe And Mystery Blonde Loved Up On Balcony

 

The photos in question reveal Toni and Shelby— faces clearly in view— cuddled-up together outside on a lounge chair. A moment of pure delirium and bliss. Whispers of I love you’s and uncontainable smiles and tangled up legs— now stolen for consumption on behalf of the entire world.

 

First, the photos blew up on Twitter. Thousands upon thousands of likes. Comments obsessing over the pair: their cuteness, their gayness, and the question of who the fuck that hot blonde woman is. Unsurprisingly, it took a quick google search from one particularly curious user to figure that one out.

 

After a few hours or so, the photos circulated to larger magnitudes: the tabloids. From that point on, it became news. Or at least news to those who had nothing better to talk about. 

 

Sometimes, Shelby forgets she’s dating an actual famous person. 

 

Even Toni herself neglects to remember the newfound status she’s earned, as a result of successfully doing her job. Even so, Shelby knows that Toni isn't in it for the pay check or accolades. In fact, Toni physically cringes at the mere mention of ‘celebrity’ and ‘fame.’ Of course, she secretly enjoys the more glamorous aspects of it all: the parties, the clothes, and the special treatment. Even someone as genuinely down-to-earth as Toni gets a kick out of a gratifying ego boost every now and again— she’s not a martyr.

 

It’s unspoken that when they're out, it’s possible for Toni to get stopped in the street and asked to take a selfie. It’s unspoken that Toni has a growing team of people paid to, essentially, manage her life. Shelby being one of them. It’s unspoken that of all the photos she has of Toni in her camera roll, Shelby can’t post a single one of them with a gross caption and one too many heart emojis because Toni’s publicist will likely throw a fit. There are quite a few unspoken things.

 

But, from the start, Shelby has remained privy to the fact that Toni’s life in the public eye could cause… complications for each of them. In simple terms, Shelby doesn't want to be known as the stylist who hooks up with her clients and Toni doesn't want to become an actress whose dating life overshadows her work.

 

However.

 

If they weren’t lesbians, would this point of contention be an issue in the first place? If they weren't both women would anybody even bat an eye? Shelby thinks fucking not. 

 

She has a feeling that if this were a straight relationship, the risks would be significantly less blaring. So, they never discussed the terms and conditions attached to their relationship because doing so would've made it all seem icky. Like they had something to hide or were somehow in the wrong for pursuing each other. Anyways, for Shelby, falling as hard as she did for Toni made all those fears seem inconsequential in the end. As they say, ignorance is bliss. And while Toni is undoubtedly worth it all, Shelby can’t ignore that in their case, privacy is very much a luxury. A luxury now taken away by the click of a hidden camera.

 

Fatin is the one to break the news. 

 

The day after their sunny afternoon on the balcony (aka the scene of the crime), Shelby spends a rare morning waking up in her own bed at her and Fatin’s apartment. She and Toni split up last night because the actress has an early meeting this morning with the director of the movie she’s due to start shooting soon.

 

When Shelby wakes up, there’s a good morning text from Toni on her phone. 

 

good morning :) i didnt wake up with a chunk of blonde hair in my mouth and it just didnt feel right. i must really love you. text me when you’re up

 

Shelby reads it three times over and sends her a selfie back: puffy eyes, hair a mess, and lips puckered up in a kissy face.

 

sorry, maybe i’ll shave my head?

also hi good morning i love you

 

Shelby’s only able to relish in the quiet morning light for a few moments, taking time to stretch her body out across the mattress, before Fatin starts to knock on her door like a madwoman. 

 

“Come in!” Shelby yells.

 

Fatin pokes her head through the door and smiles, cautiously. “Good morning,” she chimes.

 

“Morning,” Shelby moves to sit up against the pillows. “Any plans for today?” 

 

“Yes,” Fatin answers, her smile growing wearier while she remains firmly planted at her spot by the door. 

 

The first thing to throw Shelby off is Fatin’s uncharacteristic hesitation— her roommate typically has no problem barging in at any hour. She’s even been known to join Shelby in bed without invitation, crawling right under the covers. The second is how Fatin isn't chewing Shelby’s head off for conversing before noon.

 

“What’s wrong with you?” Shelby asks skeptically.

 

“I— um, have you seen anything? Online?”

 

“No, what happened?”

 

Fatin finally walks in and moves towards Shelby’s side of the bed, holding her phone in a death grip between her hands. By the time she’s stood at Shelby’s bedside, she’s still not said a word and is nervously gnawing at her lips.

 

“What the fuck is going on?! You’re freaking me out,” Shelby yells.

 

“I don’t know how to say it, so here!” Fatin yells back. She throws her phone into Shelby’s waiting hands.

 

At first, Shelby has no idea what she's looking at. Because who in their right mind expects to see themselves, grainy and pixelated, plastered all over a Daily fucking Mail article. But there she and Toni are— a dozen or so photos of them cuddled up, kissing, and touchy on the balcony of Toni’s private home.

 

Well, fuck.

 

She reads every word of the article, and then reads it over again. She stares at each photo and memorizes every angle that’s been captured. In one of the pictures, Shelby’s hand is on Toni’s ass. By the end of it, Shelby’s mildly sick to her stomach. Evidently, the author of the article is a man and she bets the photographer who staked outside Toni’s apartment is also a man— added to the list of times men have done shit to make Shelby uncomfortable. 

 

After a few painfully silent minutes of Shelby repetitively zooming in and out of every photo, Fatin says, “On the bright side, everyone is calling you hot. And every gay person on Twitter has gone into cardiac arrest.” 

 

When Shelby's face is still contorted in semi-disgust, Fatin persists, “Look how cute you guys look together! Your adorable little faces,” she coos.

 

Shelby looks up from Fatin’s phone, “We’re fucked.” 

 

“You’re not fucked, Fatin says matter-of-factly. “The worst that’ll happen is you gain a few thousand followers. Whatever.”

 

Shelby can’t decide if she wants to cry, yell, or throw up. She doesn't want Instagram followers, she wants to go back in time and erase these photos from existence. That however is not a possibility, so she settles for panic instead. “Yeah, but what if Toni gets upset? And realizes she doesn't want people to know we’re dating? And that being single is easier when you’re a person the paparazzi chases around everyday. So, she breaks up with me once she sees I’m not worth the extra stress.” Shelby spirals. At the same time, she scooches over towards the empty side of her bed, lifting the covers up for Fatin to climb in next to her. 

 

“First of all, you’re insane. Second of all, none of that is going to happen.”

 

“Actually, I’m going to be single and die alone and my ten cats will eat me alive.”

 

Fatin shushes her and pulls the covers up, getting comfortable with her head on the pillow next to her best friend. “Shelbs, you’ll be fine. I know it’s scary right now, but you guys have a good thing going. Also, you’ve got to stop jumping to conclusions. What if you were the one wanting to end things? You never asked for your photo to be taken by some asshole hiding in a bush. I think Toni should be the one who’s nervous. Not you.”

 

Fatin’s reassurance does mildly calm Shelby down because there’s truth and reason laced in every word. Shelby reluctantly locks Fatin's phone and hands it back over to her.

 

“I know you’re right. I’m sorry,” Shelby exhales.

 

“It’s alright.” Fatin takes a beat, “But honestly, how are you feeling about all this?”

 

“I feel… I’m not sure how I feel. It pisses me off that my photo can be taken and sold without me knowing. You’re right I didn't ask for that shit,” Shelby shakes her head. “And I don’t want to be famous. I like being behind-the-scenes and responsible for why those people look good in the first place. It’s, like, in my nature to be private, so yeah this whole thing makes me pretty uncomfortable.” 

 

Shelby looks over at Fatin, who’s listening intently, and is grateful to have someone she can speak to without reservation, without judgment. Being given the chance to talk it out has already helped in wrapping her head around the situation and sorting through her emotions. At least a tiny bit. 

 

But, it does make her feel guilty. Because Shelby knows that if this conversation were happening with Toni, there’s no way she’d be speaking this candidly. It’s not that she would feel uncomfortable to speak truthfully with Toni or be too shy to divulge her disdain for the photos or her lifestyle. But, she’d feel bad for complaining about the photos when it’s not something that Toni can necessarily help. She’d never, ever, want to make Toni feel as if this mess were a turn-off in any way.

 

Toni carries the weight of everyone she cares for on her shoulders; she’s protective and takes unnecessary responsibility for her chosen friends and family. Making Toni inadvertently feel as if this invasion of privacy were somehow her fault would ultimately crush her. That much, Shelby is sure of. 

 

And strangely, Shelby doesn't feel as if she has the right to complain or even to be the least bit shocked now that news of their relationship has gotten out. When starting this relationship with Toni, Shelby was fully aware of the potential, unwanted exposure that may come with dating the currently most sought after actress in Hollywood. She didn't care then, so she shouldn't care now. 

 

At least that’s what she’s going to tell herself.

 

Shelby immediately softens and backtracks a bit, “Honestly, I feel like it was only a matter of time before something like this happened. I fell in love with a famous person because, well, of course I did.”

 

“That’s very true,” Fatin agrees. 

 

Fatin clicks her phone open to check the time before her face turns into that of a stunned cartoon, “Um, excuse me? Did you say love!?” her voice goes up an octave, as she slaps her hands down excitedly onto the covers.

 

Shelby tries to play it cool, but can’t help the bold blush of her cheeks and big smile beginning to overtake her face. Fatin’s excitement and the memory of yesterday's unanticipated confession— however somewhat tainted it may be now— is enough to make Shelby turn into a giddy schoolgirl.

 

“Yes, yes I did say love,” Shelby confirms.

 

“Wow, the ice queen has officially melted,” Fatin laughs in disbelief. “When exactly did this happen? You guys have been together for all of what? Five minutes?”

 

“We have not,” Shelby argues and half-heartedly slaps, what she guesses is, Fatin’s thigh. “And it happened between photos four and five of that stupid article.” 

 

“You’re lying.”

 

“Trust me, I wish I was. Anyways, yeah we said it yesterday. Actually, I did first, then she said it back. And now we’re happy and grossly in love.”

 

“Five minutes ago, you claimed your future cats would be feasting on your lonely rotting corpse.”

 

“That was a moment of weakness,” Shelby slowly nods.

 

Fatin hums in agreement. “I’m assuming Toni hasn't seen the photos yet.”

 

Shelby groans, “She’s in a meeting. The shoot for her next movie starts soon.”

 

“Wow, someone’s booked and busy.”

 

“Yup,” Shelby says, with a pop to her p. She relaxes her head back onto the pillow, as they lull into a quiet moment for Shelby to aggressively overthink what the rest of her day is going to look like.

 

Right on time, they both hear a ding from Shelby’s phone over on the bedside table. Shelby immediately groans and grabs the pillow from underneath her head, placing it onto her face with the weak intention of smothering herself unconscious. 

 

“Jesus Christ,” Fatin mumbles. 

 

“You read it, I can’t,” Shelby says, her words all muffled from under the pillow.

 

As she hears Fatin fumble with her phone and waits to hear the message aloud, Shelby wonders how hard she’d need to press down onto this pillow in actuality.

 

“Okay,” Fatin starts.

 

“Okay, what?

 

“It’s from Rachel.” 

 

Shelby pushes the pillow off her face and swiftly grabs her phone out of Fatin’s hands. She sees a message from Rachel sent to a group chat with both Shelby and Toni that reads:

 

We need to meet. Lunch at Beverly Hills Hotel. Be there at 1:00.

 

The message's directness, severe punctuation, and brevity leaves no room for interpretation or, at the very least, hope.

 

“Alright, so maybe you are fucked,” Fatin says, peering at the phone from over Shelby’s shoulder. Shelby hums in agreement.

 

Her phone screen then changes to a photo of Toni mimicking a walrus, two french fries hanging from her mouth, in the way her phone does when Toni’s calling her.

 

“That’s my cue,” Fatin says immediately. She wastes no time in scurrying out the bed and whispering a hurried “Good luck,” from over her shoulder before closing the door firmly shut behind her. 

 

Shelby takes one more second to look at walrus Toni before answering, “Hi.”

 

“Hey,” Toni answers. “I’m assuming you’ve seen it.”

 

“Oh, I’ve seen it.”

 

“Fantastic.” 

 

Toni heaves a big sigh into the other end of the phone before asking, “Are you okay?” 

 

Shelby hears the worry in her voice, and just by Toni asking if she’s okay, makes it all more okay. 

 

“Yeah, I’m doing alright. You?” 

 

“Good. I’m good. Can I, um, pick you up before lunch? We can head over together.”

 

“Yes, please,” Shelby answers.

 

There isn't much Shelby wants to say over the phone; she’d rather talk about this giant mess in person. Where she can see Toni’s face and anticipate her reactions. Or maybe she just wants to be soothed by Toni’s comforting hands, her voice. Whatever it is, they hang up the phone shortly after and Shelby resists the urge to reach for her pillow again.

 

…

 

Toni picks Shelby up at her front door, but instead of taking her somewhere cute like a school dance, it’s to go across town in lunch-time traffic for a reprimanding from Rachel. And instead of the door being answered by an intimidating parent, it’s just Fatin teasing, “No paps please, I don’t want my picture taken.”

 

The joke doesn't land and Toni shoots her the middle finger.

 

The minute her seat belt is buckled and Toni’s turned onto a main road, Shelby reaches across the gear shift to grab hold of Toni’s hand. She occupies their time stuck in bumper to bumper traffic playing with each of Toni’s fingers, holding the weight of them in her hand and smoothing over Toni’s nail beds.

 

“Don’t be nervous,” Toni says softly, taking her eyes off the road to look over at Shelby. She squeezes at Shelby’s hand. 

 

“Of course I’m nervous,” Shelby quips back immediately, pouting. “I can’t imagine Rachel will be thrilled to find out we’ve been keeping this, us, from her. Or the fact that we’re together at all.”

 

“Hey,” Toni murmurs in a way that makes Shelby look up from her concentrated gaze down at Toni’s hand in her lap. Toni keeps her eyes on the road ahead, but firmly says, “You don’t have to worry about any of that. I’ll deal with the wrath of Rachel, that’s on me for not telling her sooner. And, if you’re worried about anything happening to you, that’s also not going to happen. So you can stop worrying about that too.” 

 

Toni squeezes her hand again, “Everything will be fine, okay?”

 

“Okay,” Shelby responds, unconvincingly. She does however feel the urge to lean over and press her lips against Toni’s jaw, as she kind of likes this more protective, take-charge side of Toni. Her lips linger on the underside of Toni’s jaw and if they weren't dealing with what they were currently dealing with, she might've requested for them to pull over and asked Toni to take charge of her in the backseat of this car. 

 

She redirects her thoughts back to the present.

 

…

 

They arrive at the restaurant first before Rachel does. Toni immediately takes a seat and, as per usual, dumps the contents of her pockets out onto the table. It reminds Shelby of the first time they’d met, when the brunette had done this very same thing. That time, Shelby was nervous about selling Toni on all the cool clothes and potential looks she’d dress her in. And this time, Shelby is still nervous, but Toni is dressed head to toe in clothes Shelby bought for her. Oddly, it does make her feel better.

 

Shelby still hasn't sat down, carefully calculating which chair is best for her ass to be sat on for the next hour. Unlike her, Toni’s already begun to browse the menu when she senses her girlfriend’s hesitation.

 

“Is something wrong?” Toni asks, slowly.

 

“Is it bad if I sit next to you?”

 

“Why would it be bad if you sit next to me? Sit next to me,” Toni responds and gestures towards the vacant chair to her left with a flick of her hand.

 

“I want to sit where I’d sit if we were normal. Like if we weren’t having sex,” Shelby explains.

 

“Okay then. Where would you sit?”

 

Shelby thinks on it before ultimately deciding, “I think I’d still sit next to you because I’d probably want to be having sex with you.”

 

Toni doesn't respond and Shelby takes a seat.

 

When Rachel arrives, it’s with big shades covering her face and dressed in a pantsuit that Shelby knows is Loewe because she remembers seeing it online and liking it. Basically, Rachel looks amazing and Shelby’s already shaking in the dumb vintage cowboy boots she chose to wear today.

 

Rachel has never been one to mince words, so she bypasses the niceties altogether and greets them with, “I hate you both.”

 

At the same time, Shelby and Toni jolt up in their chairs and respond with profuse apologies. A jumbled up mix of “I’m really sorry,” and, “We were going to tell you,” leaves their mouths.

 

Rachel reaches her hand up to stop both of them. “I’m not mad. But, I do have questions and logistics we have to work out,” Rachel says cooly.

 

“Logistics?” Toni asks.

 

Rachel nods, “Yeah, like how everyone knows where you live. I don’t know how the paparazzi knew to begin with or why they were outside. But, they were and now everyone knows your apartment building.” 

 

“So what you’re saying is I need to move?” 

 

“Up to you,” Rachel shrugs. “I don’t think your neighbors will be too happy with the likelihood of more cameras being posted outside, but it all depends on how much you care really.”

 

Toni groans loudly and rests her head in her hands, rubbing harshly at her eyes. “I don’t have time for this shit right now,” she grumbles.

 

“Listen, I know it sucks. But, if you want, I’ll set you up for a meeting with your accountant and you can talk about it. For what it’s worth, I think you should consider buying a house.”

 

Toni’s eyes widen, “A house?! Rachel, I’m not ready to own a fucking house. Have you seen my apartment? It’s in a constant state of chaos.”

 

“You don’t have to make any decisions right now. I’m just telling you to think about it,” Rachel patiently says.

 

Shelby feels like she’s at a tennis match watching the ball go back and forth between a freaking-out Toni and a trying-not-to-freak out Rachel. 

 

Toni eventually lifts her head from her hands and, for the first time since Rachel’s arrival, looks over at Shelby. For a brief moment, her eyes scan Shelby’s face, perhaps trying to find comfort in the deep green of her eyes or the familiar curve of her nose. Shelby doesn't know, but she instinctively moves her hand to rub up and down the length of Toni’s back in hopes that it helps.

 

“Next up,” Rachel clears her throat. “You two. How long has this been happening?”

 

Shelby feels the weight of her hand against Toni’s back and stills the comforting motion. She takes a shaky breath and speaks before Toni has the chance to, “Since the premiere.”

 

And even though there was lots of free alcohol flowing that night, Shelby distinctly remembers Rachel giving a sort of pseudo, drunk stamp of approval on Shelby’s attraction towards Toni. The words ‘I can actually kind of see you guys being a cute couple’ ring in Shelby’s head. Now, she grips onto the hope that Rachel still believes those words to be true.

 

“And is it serious?” Rachel asks with complete validity, looking back and forth between the couple sitting in front of her. Shelby nods, but still looks over at Toni to let her take the reins in answering. 

 

“It’s serious,” Toni says simply. 

 

Shelby feels a hand fall on her thigh and Toni rubs her thumb in circles against Shelby’s skin. Immediately, the too tight bite Shelby’s had on her bottom lip lessens and she relaxes into her chair for the first time since sitting down. 

 

Rachel takes a deep breath in and manages a polite smile, “Okay, then I’m happy for you both. And I do like you guys together. I’m sorry about the photos though.” 

 

Rachel takes a beat to laugh, “And Shelby, now that the internet knows, you’ll be getting hella followers from this one’s devoted admirers.”

 

“That’s what Fatin said,” Shelby rolls her eyes and can feel Toni stiffen beside her. 

 

“I don’t know, I’m too scared to open Instagram. The whole thing kind of freaks me out actually,” Shelby admits. From under the table, Toni squeezes her thigh.

 

“We’ll figure it out together,” Toni says, her eyes intently on Shelby. The blonde smiles half-heartedly and nods.

 

“Aw, I miss Fatin. Bring her around sometime, we’ve all got to get together sometime,” Rachel says, reaching for a menu. 

 

With that, Shelby assumes they’ve transitioned back into normalcy. Like this is just the three of them dining out for casual lunch at a place with overpriced salads on the menu. 

 

Shelby wonders if it’s appropriate to start drinking and debates ordering a cocktail in celebration of her narrow escape. Apparently, both Toni and Rachel are thinking the same because when it comes time to order, they each order a drink for themselves. Perfect. 

 

The remainder of their meal is exceedingly uneventful. The conversation mainly consists of Shelby and Toni catching Rachel up to speed on how they managed to come together in the end. Altogether, it’s nice and Shelby feels warm and whole and perfectly content at how proud Toni sounds, calling Shelby her girlfriend and referring to them as a couple.

 

A pair, partners, duo, or twosome— these are all groupings of two that separate us from them. A cohesive unit that doesn't exist without the other, that intrinsically belongs together. In her head, Shelby likes to categorize her and Toni as such.

 

But, Shelby does pick up on one strange thing.

 

It happens towards the tail end of lunch, as their plates are nearly cleared and Shelby feels herself falling into a lethargic food coma. Rachel makes a noise of surprise and viciously shakes her head, like she’s so plainly, obviously forgotten something.

 

“Toni, I completely forgot to ask. How did it go this morning with Mark?” Rachel asks. 

 

Mark is the director of Toni’s next movie, who she met with earlier today. Even Shelby perks up from her sluggish state, curious to know all the details. However, at Rachel’s question, Toni narrows her slightly, like she has absolutely no idea what Rachel is talking about.

 

It might be Toni’s worst acting job yet. Because even from her side view of Toni’s face, Shelby can see the overcompensation and fake astonishment when she ‘remembers’ her meeting with Mr. Director Mark.

 

“Oh, right! Duh. That,” Toni fake-laughs. “Um, yeah it went really well. I— I got the full script and we talked… logistics.”

 

“Logistics?” Shelby asks. When the word leaves her mouth, she realizes how she’s mirrored Toni's exact question from before, though it was previously directed at Rachel.

 

“Mhhm,” Toni hums.

 

Later on, when they’re back in Toni’s car and headed home (Shelby didn't ask, but she presumes back to Toni’s), she can’t help but ask. 

 

“How did it actually go this morning? You seemed off when Rachel brought it up,” Shelby asks as gently as she can.

 

“Off? I wasn’t off,” Toni quips back. 

 

But, it’s way too dismissive for the words to not sound strange, so Shelby simply raises an eyebrow to illustrate her point. Looking from the road over to Shelby, and then quickly back towards the expressway, Toni sighs. Just from the momentary look in Toni’s eyes, Shelby spots an anxiousness, or possibly dread, in her expression.

 

“Okay, I was off,” Toni admits.

 

“That much was clear, thank you. What’s wrong? Did they pull out of the deal? Do you hate the script? Do you not want to do it anymore?”

 

“No, none of that. The script is actually incredible. I love it and I think it’ll be a really special project.”

 

“Okay, that’s great,” Shelby nods back enthusiastically, trying hard to find the flaw. “What’s the problem exactly?” 

 

“It’s, well, it’s a four month shoot. In Australia. So I’d be moving to Australia for four months.”

 

Shelby’s brain short-circuits— temporarily forgetting how to piece coherent thoughts together. She almost swears she heard Toni say Australia and four months.

 

“What?” Shelby has to ask again, just to be sure.

 

Toni winces, gripping hard onto the steering wheel, and repeats, “I have to move to Australia for four months to shoot this movie. Mark told me just this morning, I was going to tell you tonight. I— I’m not sure exactly when, but probably in the next month or so.”

 

…

 

After Toni’s fallen asleep that night, Shelby looks up the flight time and price for roundtrip tickets to Australia. Then, she cries in the shower.

 

 

Notes:

as always, thank you for reading and for your wonderful comments!

follow me on twitter (if you want): @sj_writess

Chapter 12

Notes:

big BIG time smut warning

One week. Toni is leaving for Australia in one week. It all came together frighteningly fast, certainly faster than Shelby could have prepared for. Just a few weeks went by and a couple of phone calls were made to sort everything out, and now her girlfriend will be on the other side of the world— 7,497 miles away to be exact— for four agonizing months.

 

Shelby is really fucking sad, but every time they talk about it, she smiles big for Toni and constantly reiterates what an amazing experience it’ll be for her. She wants to rip her hair out as she says it.

 

Toni is equally as depressed, but tells Shelby and herself that time will fly by with an unflinching optimism. Neither one of them believes it and lately Toni doesn't even leave Shelby’s side to let her piss in privacy for two minutes.

 

Of course, they’ve discussed Shelby visiting. But, the flight time from Los Angeles to Sydney is over fifteen hours and roundtrip tickets are well over two-grand. Toni’s filming schedule will be rigorous and she’ll be on set almost everyday from the crack of dawn into the evening. So, even if Shelby went all the way out to visit, it’s not like they’d really get all that much time together, with Toni coming back from set everyday exhausted to do it all over again the next morning. 

 

Regardless, Shelby can’t exactly take the time to fly out, given how she’s scheduled out her life for the following months to a meticulous degree. She’ll be spending time in New York for fashion week, is styling plenty of campaigns, and, to her biggest relief, has consultations for other potential private clients that aren't her girlfriend. 

 

Admittedly, she has mixed feelings about that last part.

 

The thought of putting so much time and energy into dressing someone who isn't Toni settles strangely in Shelby’s stomach. Actually every time she thinks about it, she can’t help but hate the idea. But, work is work and personal styling is where the real money is at. So, if that means Shelby has to dress other celebrities that are less talented than Toni, less inclined to look effortlessly insatiable and downright incredible in clothing than Toni, and certainly less likely to make Shelby fall in love with them by like one million percent than Toni— then so be it.

 

However upset she is over Toni’s departure, Shelby does try to make light of the whole thing because it is kind of incredible. This film is big, big budget stuff. A survival, deserted island drama where Toni plays the lead. The film is apparently packed with big emotional impact and a script that hooks you in immediately. Shelby knows that Toni will be astonishing and probably win awards and prove to everyone, yet again, that she’s exquisite in every role she’s casted in. Everyone is still buzzing about her last film.

 

So, instead of wallowing, Shelby chooses to celebrate by throwing Toni a little going away party. 

 

Shelby shamelessly leans into the proud girlfriend role and dives head first into party planning. She wants to make it the perfect night for Toni. She wants to spoil her and make her feel overwhelmingly loved and make her see how completely and utterly in awe Shelby is of her.

 

Shelby tries to reign herself in when decorating her and Fatin’s apartment, but it all comes out beautiful in the end—candles and string lights everywhere. And hell, nothing says “I’ll miss you," like a fucking balloon arch.

 

She meticulously plans out the food, so everyone has the perfect selection of little bite-sized snacks to choose from. She gets an ungodly amount of booze and invites all the people she can think Toni would care enough to see, even begging Martha over the phone to fly out for the weekend, before Toni’s best friend begrudgingly admits that she won’t be able to make it. 

 

Despite Shelby's exaggeration regarding the evening, she knows her girlfriend. And she knows that Toni would prefer an intimate evening spent with people she actually cares about over a big-blowout rager. So, Shelby keeps the guest list small and it turns out to be the most perfect night.

 

The apartment is warm and full of laughter. Shelby loves playing hostess. She makes sure to consistently top off everyone’s glasses and queue people’s favorite songs. Fatin, Dot, Rachel, Nora, and Leah are among Shelby’s favorite people currently hanging out in her tiny living room. Throughout the night, Shelby keeps an eye on Toni wherever she’s standing, and her heart instantly swells at the sight of Toni laughing, singing, and enjoying herself. 

 

They catch each other's eyes a few times throughout the night, but Shelby tries not to hog Toni’s attention for the most part. Everyone here definitely knows they’re together thanks to their lovely stint in the news, so it’s not that Shelby’s trying to keep it lowkey— not at all. But, she does spend every second of her free time with Toni, so it seems unfair to steal her away tonight of all nights.

 

It’s Toni’s night. However, a lot of nights happen to be Toni’s night, given the nature of their working relationship and of Toni’s job in the spotlight. 

 

What's funny is that when Shelby was younger, she had zero qualms about being the center of attention herself. Shelby grew used to being complimented for her beauty and being doted on by people who wanted to either impress her or sleep with her. 

 

Admittedly, she still does crave that validation from time to time, but never in the context of comparison against Toni. In fact, she finds no problem in taking a backseat to all the glory for her girlfriend because she doesn't see it that way at all. She’s so in love and feels more than cherished and adored by Toni every single day that all the external bullshit no longer holds the appeal it once did. So, when she and Toni lock eyes across the room, she sends over little smiles and waves. She knows that she’ll have Toni’s undivided attention when they’re alone later tonight.

 

Evidently, Toni isn't concerned in exercising her own self control because at one point during the night, she catches Shelby by the elbow and drags her into the empty kitchen. 

 

They’re both swaying on their feet from the alcohol and the noise from the party drowns out into a soft buzz, as Toni pulls Shelby in for a kiss. She wraps Shelby in her arms and walks them back until Shelby feels her back hit the counter’s edge.

 

She lets out a small laugh and pulls away from Toni’s mouth, trying to look into her eyes and catch a glimpse into what’s going on inside her mind. But, Toni is obviously distracted and keeps peering down at Shelby’s lips. 

 

“Are you at least having a good time?” Shelby wants to hear that she is.

 

“Yes,” Toni replies, all smiley with her eyes glazed over when she finally looks up at Shelby. 

 

Toni looks so good tonight with her hair down and messy and her smile that’s gradually turning into more of a smirk. Her fingers are stacked with rings, which Shelby finds so incredibly hot. She’s been staring at Toni’s hands all night.

 

Her jeans sit low on her hips and there’s a stretch of skin poking out from under the t-shirt she’s got on. To anyone, it would look like a regular white t-shirt, but Shelby knows it’s actually $600 and made of pure silk from The Row. When she’d greeted Toni at the door earlier, the first words that came out of her mouth were a reminder to not get any spillage on it. Anyways, the fabric is soft now under Shelby's hands.

 

Toni’s hand comes up to cup Shelby's jaw and her lips are immediately back on Shelby’s. She takes Shelby’s bottom lip between her own and kisses her hard and messy, using the weight of her body to keep Shelby pressed up against the counter. When Toni pulls away, it’s with a gentle tug at Shelby’s lip with her teeth, as she moves down to pepper kisses up the length of Shelby’s jaw.

 

Shelby can’t help but drop her head back a little and wrinkle the expensive fabric of Toni’s shirt, as it’s now bunched up tightly in the fists of her hands. When Toni’s lips are just under her ear, Shelby briefly remembers the room full of people directly on the other side of the wall. The thought leaves her mind just as quickly as it’d appeared.

 

Toni brings her lips to Shelby’s cheek and presses against it sweetly. She nudges her nose against where her lips had been and Shelby can feel the press of her lips turned up into a smile.

 

“I can’t believe you did all this for me. You’re the best,” Toni mumbles. And it’s so much sweeter than the Toni from a few seconds ago who’d been using teeth and had Shelby pinned possessively against the counter.

 

“You’re the best girlfriend,” she presses another kiss against Shelby’s cheek. “You’re the best person,” she adds next. “Fuck, you’re just my person,” Toni says breathlessly.

 

And this time, it’s Shelby who brings their lips back together, kissing Toni with a newfound passion because her words are so perfect and she feels exactly the same. 

“I love you” Shelby says earnestly, not bothering to pull away from Toni’s mouth. 

 

Toni says it right back and kisses Shelby with one hand resting on her hip and the other cupping her cheek. With the press of Toni’s palm against the side of her face, Shelby can feel the pressure of Toni’s rings. It reminds her that Toni has them on in the first place. 

 

Toni typically wears the same few rings on her fingers, but tonight she’s put on so many more and Shelby cannot stop thinking about them. They get to her for some reason and as she massages Toni’s bottom lip between her own, she wishes they were alone right fucking now.

 

“Toni,” Shelby tries saying, to draw both of their attention back to the present. However, as the word falls from Shelby’s lips, it comes out with zero conviction and sounds a lot more like a moan. And Toni’s kind of drunk, so she definitely thinks it’s the latter and squeezes harder at Shelby’s hip, pulling her in closer.

 

Toni then drags her lips down to Shelby’s chin and kisses. Shelby almost doesn't believe it when she feels Toni’s tongue poke out and lick at her skin. After a few seconds, Toni starts to get a bit messy with it, dragging her lips across where her tongue’s just been, spreading the wetness around. It’s a pretty dirty thing for Toni to be doing right now at a party where all their friends are in close proximity. 

 

Shelby’s already a wreck and really has no choice but to buck her hips against Toni’s thigh, which is planted conveniently (suspiciously) in the perfect spot. She grips Toni’s elbow and moans, knowing the music is turned up loud enough that nobody can hear.

 

Or maybe they can. Shelby doesn't care. She loves being kissed like this. Like Toni wants her so much that she has no self control. Like Toni’s so all-consumingly desperate to have her that she can’t help but get a little dirty with it. It’s how Shelby likes to be fucked too.

 

“Let me just grab th— oh are you fucking kidding me?!” someone yells, stumbling into the kitchen. 

 

It’s Rachel who catches the pair intensely and inappropriately wrapped around one another.

 

Toni stumbles back with a hand against her heart, surprised by the interruption, while Shelby’s a bit slower in her reaction. She brings a hand up to wipe the bottom half of her face clean and tries to ignore the stinging absence of where Toni’s leg had just been.

 

“Jesus Christ,” Rachel shakes her head.

 

Fatin and Dot come running in close behind, peaking their heads around the corner, and Fatin spills half her drink on the ground when she waves her glass in the air and asks, “What’s going on? Did someone spill something?”

 

“Dude, you are like right now,” Dot says, pointing at the new puddle down by their feet. Fatin simply looks at Dot like she’s speaking actual gibberish and Shelby envisions herself holding Fatin’s hair back over the toilet later tonight.

 

“Sorry, we’re sorry,” Shelby says, throwing her hands up in mock surrender. She spares one last look at Toni and grabs a random glass off the counter, walking away like she has somewhere to be with the empty cup. 

 

As she flees the scene, Shelby can hear Dot ask, “Oh my God, wait were you guys boning in here?”

 

“No, you sicko,” Toni scoffs.

 

…

 

The party goes until pretty late. People start saying goodbye around 1 a.m. and by the time Shelby wishes the last of them goodbye, she decides to save cleaning up for the morning. She can’t be bothered tonight.

 

Besides, Fatin is passed out on the couch, already snoring. Shelby drapes a blanket over her and makes a mental note to leave a glass of water on the table tomorrow morning.

 

Shelby finds what she’s looking for, Toni, back in the kitchen, who’s got a dish towel thrown over her shoulder and is discarding empty bottles and glasses.

 

“No, no, no,” Shelby gently chides, reaching her hand out to try and stop Toni from doing anything further. “You don’t clean up a single thing.” 

 

“Oh shush,” Toni replies, trying and failing to stuff an empty wine bottle into the already full trash can. 

 

“Give me that,” Shelby snatches the bottle from Toni’s grasp and places it down onto the countertop, along with the towel draped over Toni’s shoulder.

 

Toni’s mouth falls open in mock offense, gesturing to the stolen towel. But, Shelby just chooses to ignore her and wraps her arms around Toni’s neck instead, pulling her in close. 

 

They stand in the kitchen and hold each other for a few minutes. Shelby thinks about how in a week, she won’t have this instant connection of belongingness and safety that exists exclusively within the confines of Toni’s arms. She wonders if Toni is thinking the same and when she feels the press of Toni’s lips in her hair, against her ear, Shelby knows that she is.

 

Lifting her head from Toni’s shoulder, Shelby suggests they go to bed and it’s not lost on her that this is one of the very few times Toni has ever stayed the night at her place. They usually opt for Toni’s loft being that it’s generally nicer and there’s obviously no roommate to take into consideration. And Fatin isn't exactly the most, let’s say, subtle of roommates.

 

Shelby silently follows Toni into the shared hallway bathroom and leans her hip against the counter, watching Toni start to get ready for bed. 

 

“Is it cool if I use your toothbrush?”

 

“Yeah of course,” Shelby says, before scrunching her face up, “Is it gross that I didn't think twice about that?”

 

“Maybe. Probably,” Toni laughs, as she begins to take her rings off, trying to save them from getting wet. Shelby’s quick to reach her hand out and stop her from removing even the first one. 

 

“Keep ‘em on,” Shelby says.

 

She hopes that by her tone and the look on her face, there’s no room for confusion by what she’s implying. 

 

Toni looks down at Shelby’s hand on hers and raises her eyebrow like she’s the tiniest bit shocked. She asks in a low voice, “Are the rings actually doing it for you right now?”

 

“You in the rings are doing it for me,” Shelby replies right away. She tries to make it as appealing as possible by leaning in closer and running her finger over one of the band’s on Toni’s finger. As if the tension between them hadn't become significantly heavier and her words aren’t already driving Toni absolutely fucking crazy right now.

 

“Okay,” Toni nods. She looks down and scans the dress Shelby’s wearing, “Take that off and I’ll meet you in your room.”

 

Shelby loves this. But, she also never makes it that easy for Toni.

 

Shelby bunches up her dress and silently hooks her fingers into her underwear, dragging the lace all the way down her legs. She steps out of them completely and leans down to pick them up, before stepping forward to press the discarded underwear into Toni’s unassuming hand. She knows they’re still wet from their moment in the kitchen earlier.

 

“Don’t keep me waiting too long, honey,” Shelby says innocently, staring straight into Toni’s eyes which are now heavy with a look that makes Shelby throb. She turns and walks out of the bathroom, leaving Toni to wash up.

 

Shelby isn't drunk by any means. Her tipsiness from earlier has long since faded, but she credits her current confidence to the drinks she did have earlier. She can tell that Toni’s pretty much on the same wavelength and noticed how she’d slowed down her pacing after they’d been interrupted in the kitchen. 

 

It’s another thing that Shelby finds really fucking attractive. Like Toni wanted to stay coherent or sharp or even just wanted to remember tonight with Shelby, to make it good.

 

On her way back to her bedroom, Shelby looks towards the living room to make sure Fatin’s still asleep, but also that she’s still breathing. She shuts the door behind her and does what Toni says, stripping out of her dress. It leaves her naked—the dress she’d chosen didn't go with a bra and the fate of her underwear is in Toni’s hands. Literally.

 

This waiting part is almost never sexy and Shelby spends it by sitting up against her pillow, losing her track of thought. She starts thinking about how she could sneak a cheeky thong into Toni’s suitcase.

 

Or maybe she should burn all of Toni’s luggage as an act of protest. 

 

Her mind wanders onto whether it’d be funny or not to hide behind the door and scare Toni when she comes back by jumping out naked. Ultimately, she decides it wouldn't be funny at all and that she’d definitely ruin the moment.

 

Anyways. When Toni does return, it’s with Shelby’s underwear dangling from finger. Toni joins her up on the bed after making a show of discarding them onto the floor and stepping out of her jeans.

 

“Thanks for the gift,” Toni says kindly. 

 

“You’re welcome, I hope you enjoyed it.” Shelby slides closer over towards Toni’s side of the bed, and hates the fact that she’s still wearing any clothing. She reaches out for the hem of Toni’s shirt and tugs it up, over her torso and head. She grabs hold of the fabric and tosses it over the edge of the bed. 

 

Toni smiles. “I actually did. But, be careful, that's pure silk. No spillage,” she teases, mocking Shelby from earlier. She places her hand on Shelby’s waist and leans forward, attaching her lips to Shelby’s neck. 

 

“Ha ha, very funny,” Shelby says, already breathing heavily. 

 

She wraps her arms around Toni’s torso and reaches behind to undo the clasp of Toni’s bra, peeling it off of her and throwing it unceremoniously onto the floor. She laces her hands into Toni’s hair, gets lost in the feeling of Toni kissing her neck before thinking of one last rebuttal. 

 

“Did you have a taste? I’d been wet for hours thinking about before…I was dying for everyone to leave.”

 

Toni groans and kisses against her skin harder, adding suction, as she leans forward to tilt Shelby back onto the mattress. Toni lays half on top of her, just off to her side and hovers over Shelby with one arm propping her up and the other resting against the side of Shelby’s neck. 

 

Despite Shelby already squirming underneath her and clutching tightly at her back, trying to encourage Toni to roll completely on top of her, Toni acts as if she’s got all the time in the world.

 

She thoroughly works her mouth over Shelby's neck, sucking lighty and grazing her teeth every so often. She’s driving Shelby a bit mad underneath her. Toni doesn't give her much to work with— doesn't intentionally swing her leg over to rest in between Shelby’s thighs, giving her the pressure she needs to roll her hips up like she wants to. Instead, she remains a little too far off to the side and hums at the feeling of Shelby naked underneath her and at the taste of her skin.

 

But, Shelby hasn't forgotten what she wants, what Toni promised her, and she reaches for Toni’s hand that’s resting on her neck. She laces her fingers with Toni’s and drags their hands down not so subtly for just a few seconds, before Toni pulls away from her neck and from her body all together. 

 

They usually play well off each other and compliment what the other needs without having to use words. Shelby knows for a fact that she’s never shared this in-sync physical love language with anyone else.

 

For example, Shelby knows that Toni gets off by making her come; that her favorite thing in the world is knowing Shelby feels good, feels wanted, feels loved. 

 

But, Toni also likes the power that she has over Shelby in moments like this. 

 

She likes that she can choose to drag it out for Shelby, waiting until she’s completely naked and has to guide Toni’s hand down herself. Alternatively, she likes giving Shelby everything she wants, when she wants it. Like the times where Shelby is still fully clothed and guides them onto the floor because the bed is just too far. 

 

Toni likes that she has that control over her, and plays with it to Shelby’s annoyance sometimes, but she also has no problem handing over that control when the roles are reversed. 

 

Similarly, Toni knows that Shelby is obsessed with watching her come, of being responsible for getting that unreserved, almost carnal reaction out of Toni. 

 

To Shelby, Toni is sacred. She’ll do anything to make Toni come undone and anything to have it happen again and again. She can’t get enough of that moment they share together; the moment that Toni falls apart all because of her. That deep connection when she stares into Toni's eyes and sees the most vulnerable, open side of her. So more often than not, Toni lets Shelby have whatever she wants because how could she not, knowing how Shelby feels.

 

“I want you to watch,” Toni demands softly. She presses a long kiss to Shelby’s lips and the blonde watches as Toni sits up.

 

Toni moves entirely off of Shelby, pulling her up into a seated position with a tug of their semi-joined hands. She directs Shelby to scooch down further towards the center of the bed, so Toni has room to squeeze in behind her. Once she’s settled behind Shelby, Toni sits with her back against the headboard and pillows, and doesn't have to say anything else because Shelby’s already moving back up the bed to sit in between Toni’s spread legs. 

 

Toni’s body is warm and soft against her, as Shelby rests comfortably with her back against Toni’s front.

 

Shelby is already too eager and spreads her legs wide open, adjusting her position so Toni can easily reach, while Shelby also gets a clear view. Shelby knows this is going to be good when Toni immediately sneaks her hands down: one grabbing hold of Shelby’s breast and the other snaking down to Shelby’s center.

 

Shelby knows she’s really, really wet. And evidently, so does Toni, who lets out a breathy laugh from behind Shelby.

 

“Told you I was wet,” Shelby mumbles, grabbing hold onto the outer part of Toni’s thigh. 

 

“Yeah, I see that,” Toni agrees. Shelby loves being spread open like this for Toni and it’s so hot with both of them watching.

 

Toni skims over Shelby’s clit, doesn't bother trying to get any friction because Shelby’s too far gone and dripping onto the sheets beneath them. Toni pushes one finger in slowly and stops right at her knuckle. At where her ring sits.

 

This is what Shelby’s been thinking of all night. The thought of Toni fucking her with rings on every finger, of watching Toni’s fingers disappear inside of her save for the jewlery hasn’t left Shelby’s mind all night.

 

Toni starts with just one, but the feeling already has Shelby wanting to buck her hips up and lean forward. She grabs on tighter to Toni’s thigh and moans, looking on as Toni’s finger disappears inside of her.

 

“This is what you’ve been thinking of? Being able to almost feel them inside you.” 

 

Toni adds another finger and Shelby feels the rings press against her over and over, as Toni picks up the pace. She works her fingers in and out of Shelby, and uses her other hand to tug at Shelby’s nipple, going between rolling the peak between her fingers and massaging.

 

And there’s just no way Shelby is going to last long. Not with her being able to see Toni fucking into her with all these rings, until the sight of them just barely disappears. Not with her laying against Toni like she is; Toni’s skin is sweaty and soft, pressed right against Shelby’s back. Definitely not with Toni moaning her dirty words into Shelby’s ear and pulling harder at her nipple how she is now.

 

When Shelby doesn't answer Toni’s question, she asks again, “Was it?” As she says it, Toni pulls out altogether and goes straight in again, harder with three fingers.

 

Shelby can’t control the noise that escapes her and the way she digs her nails so hard into Toni’s leg she’s worried she may leave a mark. Toni is moving her hand so deep and fast into Shelby now, always stopping at the bands of each ring and Shelby can feel them just barely press inside her. 

 

“Yes, fuck yes. This is what I was thinking about,” Shelby manages to get out, watching Toni’s fingers fuck into her and concentrating on the sting and stretch of Toni’s fingers. 

 

Toni uses her own leg to keep Shelby’s open once they begin to close and keeps pressing in deep enough so it stings and Shelby can really feel it. The speed of Toni’s fingers and that bite is what will get her there, when she’s this wet and Toni’s fingers are sliding in and out with no trouble at all.

 

Shelby’s hand comes up to join Toni’s playing with her nipple and grabs onto it, feeling the pressure and movement of her fingers tugging. Unable to peel her eyes away from Toni’s hand working in and out of her hot skin, Shelby only hopes that Toni’s eyes are also trained on the sight. That she finds this just as hot.

 

Because Shelby can’t get over it and she tries her hardest to keep her eyes open, even when it’s really obvious she’s about to come. Even with Toni at her ear groaning about how she feels so good and how she’s so sexy spread open like this for her. It’s those words that get to her and Shelby squeezes her eyes shut, falling apart with Toni still moving inside her. She tries her best not to fall forward, but Toni has to use her arm to press Shelby back and keep her learned up against her chest, so she can still reach.

 

It takes Shelby a few minutes to ride it out and then come down, but as she does, she tilts her head back and searches for Toni’s mouth, kisses her deep. Toni matches her pace and her hands turn soft and doting, slowly moving out of her to caress Shelby’s skin along her stomach and her arms, anywhere she can reach.

 

It’s late at night by this point. 

 

But, even with the clock nearing the earliest hours of the morning, Shelby can’t let this night end because when they wake up, it’ll mean there’s only six days left. And that’s just not something Shelby is willing to accept. So when her neck starts to cramp from its craned up position, she doesn't care and doesn't stop. Instead, she sits up and turns around in Toni’s arms, straddling her lap with both thighs planted on either side of her. 

 

Toni groans from underneath her and places her hands on Shelby’s hips, guiding her to sit comfortably down. But, Shelby’s not up for wasting any more time and sneaks her hand in between them to feel Toni through her underwear. Their lips keep moving against one another, as Shelby rubs against Toni’s center, pressing onto her clit with the pads of her finger. Just feeling without too much pressure.

 

Shelby feels Toni’s lips turn slack underneath hers and her breathing turn harsher and increasingly more erratic, as Shelby starts moving her hand more intentionally and with more pressure. In any case, this isn't how it’s going to go and Shelby fully intends on eating her out, spending a lengthy amount of time with her head in between Toni’s legs until Toni has to be the one to make her stop.

 

Shelby breaks their kiss, but continues moving her fingers, rubbing circles into her clit, and looks down at Toni. She loves her so fucking much.

 

Why are you leaving me?

 

“I love you,” Shelby whispers with so much emotion. And in return, Toni's eyes are wistful like she knows they haven't allowed themselves to be sad about it yet. That they’ve successfully avoided all conversations that may indicate how lonely they’ll be without the other.

 

“I love you.” Toni presses a kiss to Shelby’s shoulder, “So much.”

 

Shelby nods, feels that Toni’s words are true, and encourages Toni to lay back with a gentle push against her chest. She moves her hips up and off of Toni and hooks her fingers into Toni’s underwear, dragging them down her legs. Once they’re gone, Shelby kisses down the length of her body and settles on her stomach in between Toni’s legs, tighty wrapping her arms around Toni’s thighs. 

 

Shelby moans at the very first stroke of her tongue and Toni tastes so good, she always does. Shelby can literally do this for hours on end and definitely has before— it never gets old. She works her mouth over Toni for a while: kissing and pushing her lips to feel all the wetness, teasing her entrance with the stroke of her tongue, sucking on her clit until she needs to push Toni’s stomach back down onto the bed. 

 

Toni’s wet, but Shelby wants it more so— she wants it messy and wet all down her face. She pulls her mouth away from Toni and shifts to sit up just a little, to open her mouth and stick out her tongue. Using her hand, she spreads Toni open and watches as the spit falls from her mouth and dribbles onto Toni’s hot skin.

 

“Fucking Christ,” she hears Toni groan. 

 

Toni’s looking down at Shelby with her mouth gaped open and face turned up into what’s best described as pure lust. Her hands are gripping hard onto the sheets and Shelby doesn't break eye contact, as she leans back down to spread her spit all over Toni, licking against her and just barely dipping her tongue inside.

 

And because Toni looks so good and is so perfect and is all her’s, Shelby wants her to have a taste. She crawls up to kiss Toni on the mouth and Toni immediately cradles her face. Shelby props herself up with her arms on either side of Toni’s head and lets Toni suck on her tongue and moan at the taste of herself. 

 

Toni chases her mouth as she pulls away, but Shelby moves back down to use her mouth again. Now, she just wants to make her feel good and can’t wait for her favorite moment of Toni arching and grinding down against her.

 

She ends up getting sidetracked when Toni’s hand grips into her hair, and just in case it’s what Toni wants, she moves up for the second time to let Toni lick boldly into her mouth.

 

When Toni does come, it’s with her thighs fighting to stay open until Shelby has to pry them open, ceaselessly using her mouth to work Toni through it. 

 

Except, she actually does intend to work Toni through it because she needs Toni to orgasm again and needs Toni to recover quickly. 

 

Once wasn't enough, not for tonight. Her eyes are trained onto Toni’s face from her position below, and she watches Toni lick at her lips and bring a hand to smooth out the hair clinging to her forehead. Shelby doesn't stop licking. 

 

When she feels the hand that’s currently buried in her hair begin to grip at the roots once again, Shelby knows that Toni’s on the same page. 

 

Toni shifts up onto her elbows, watching as Shelby presses kiss after kiss against her throbbing skin, and if Toni is the least bit tired, she doesn’t show it by the way she grinds her hips slowly down against Shelby's mouth.

 

And then, something strange happens. Or rather, Shelby begins to feel strange, as a wave of sadness and emotion washes over her. 

 

She thinks about Toni being gone for four months and while it may seem like a short period, it’s also about the same amount of time they’ve actually been together. And to Shelby, this has felt like a lifetime. A lifetime of seeing her love almost everyday, of holding her almost every night, of watching her carry out menial tasks with a silly amount of fascination and regard. She already misses Toni and she hasn't even left her yet. When her heart squeezes at her chest, Shelby feels tears pick at her eyes. 

 

She’s going to cry.

 

She feels badly and doesn't want Toni to see, to make her feel guilty or have to ask if she’s alright. Because Shelby’s pretty sure the floodgates would open if she does. Trying to hide her sudden wave of emotion, Shelby decides to switch positions.

 

Shelby detaches her tongue and shifts from her place in between Toni’s legs. She moves to lay flat on her back instead, directly next to where Toni’s currently sprawled out. Once she’s tucked her long hair beneath her, she wastes no time in reaching over to grab Toni’s hips, pulling her to roll over onto Shelby and encouraging her up onto her knees.

 

Toni knows where Shelby wants her and moves effortlessly with her, letting herself be tugged and positioned by her girlfriend beneath her. 

 

Shelby says it anyway, making sure, “I want you to sit on my face, baby.”

 

Toni just hums, letting out a loud moan and Shelby’s pretty sure she’s far off somewhere too, maybe still recovering from before. 

 

Once Toni’s hovering directly over her on her knees, Shelby wiggles down until she’s in the right spot. Until she can pull Toni’s hips down onto her face and meet her open mouth. She has to wrap her arms around Toni and hold her, she needs to feel the weight of Toni on top of her. 

 

Shelby goes straight for wrapping her lips closed around Toni’s clit, flicking her tongue against it, and Toni’s hips just barely jerk up and away. She’s still sensitive, so Shelby lets up and moves her tongue lower, concentrating on teasing Toni’s entrance before she eventually stiffens her tongue, working it in and out of her.

 

She feels Toni fall forward a bit and grab hold onto the headboard for support. Shelby feels it, but doesn’t actually see, keeping her eyes closed tight and forgetting absolutely everything else that may put off her mood. 

 

She zones in completely on Toni’s body and registers every move she makes, as well as every sound that leaves her mouth. Every time Toni drops her hips down, Shelby lets her ride it out and use her tongue how she likes. When Toni moans, Shelby moans with her. 

 

Shelby isn't entirely conscious of what she’s doing, as she unwraps one of her arms from around Toni’s midsection and moves it down her own body to touch herself. She continues pressing her tongue up into Toni, keeps using her mouth and she knows Toni’s going to come soon. 

 

At the same time, Shelby uses her hand to press hard against her own clit, going over it back and forth quickly, listening to the wet sounds of Toni grinding down onto her mouth. She works her fingers over herself with pressure, quickly— she wants to finish at the very same time as Toni. Together.

 

It doesn't take very long. And as Toni’s body contorts above hers, riding out her orgasm against Shelby’s open mouth, Shelby also lets go. Her fingers continue to work until she’s arching up off the bed and breathing hard against Toni’s skin above her.

 

She knows that Toni takes note of it and can see Shelby’s eyes squeezed tight beneath her, can feel the movement of Shelby’s arm, and can feel that Shelby’s no longer using her mouth and tongue as precisely as she was before.

 

Shelby can tell in the way Toni grabs her hand and grips onto it hard, squeezing her fingers like she’s letting Shelby know she’s right there with her.

 

Toni quickly moves off of Shelby's face and carefully crawls down her body to meet her lips. She kisses Shelby tenderly and Shelby wipes her hand clean on the sheets before cupping Toni’s face with both hands. She savors their post orgasm kiss. The best way to describe it is blissful and Shelby just lets herself be kissed, humming softly against Toni’s mouth.

 

Toni pulls away after some time and asks, “Are you alright?”

 

And Shelby doesn't know if Toni is an actual mind-reader, if she did see Shelby begin to cry earlier, or maybe she just knows her that well. Whatever the implication is behind her question, Shelby shakes her head into a little no.

 

You know when you are not okay and then somebody asks if you are okay, making you that much more not okay. Well, that’s what happens to Shelby. The tears begin to fall down her face and she quickly turns into a fit of sobs just from Toni looking down at her with these eyes of genuine concern.

 

Toni freaks out, obviously. 

 

“Wha— what’s wrong? What happened? Did something happen?” She stutters out these questions and the expression on her face is of pure worry and distress. She moves off of Shelby entirely and sits next to her instead, grabbing her hands and holding them between her own, as she looks down at Shelby’s crying face.

 

“Nothing is wrong,” Shelby whimpers, barely being able to get the words out. Toni’s face grows more helpless.

 

“I just don't want you to leave,” Shelby confesses quietly. “I’m going to miss you too much.”

 

Toni’s face crumples. “I’m so fucking sorry, I don’t want to leave either.” She squeezes Shelby’s hands tighter. “I haven't even let myself think about it because it’s too much. I already can’t stand being that far away from you.”

 

Shelby sniffles and feels so bad for bringing it up, but also knows that she wanted to hear this from Toni. That Toni being away isn't something easy for her and that Shelby isn't alone in her distress.

 

Shelby’s sobs settle down and her tears lessen, but Toni still looks like a sad and helpless puppy. 

 

“It’s alright. I’m alright. I just needed to cry it out and tell you that.” She tries to smile, but it just looks pathetic and sad with more tears spilling over onto her face. 

 

“Shelby,” Toni whines like she can’t handle watching Shelby be this upset. Toni moves up the bed and goes to fluff up their pillows and smooth out the crumpled comforter. She peels back the covers around Shelby who’s still lying down, hasn't moved, and wiggles underneath them.

 

“C’mere,” Toni says, opening up her arms and gesturing for Shelby to join her. Shelby does just that and wipes snot from her nose with a harsh brush of her hand. 

 

“I’m sorry for crying,” Shelby apologizes. Her breathing’s evened out and her head shares the same pillow as Toni’s, their arms wrapped around each other.

 

“I feel bad for making you upset. I didn’t mean to, like, disregard how you’re feeling or ignore you in any way.”

 

“I know that, I know it’s not like that,” Shelby shakes her head. “I just needed to be sad about it. Thinking about being apart from you for long doesn’t feel nice. And then I remember that it’s actually going to be my reality soon and I hate it. I hate thinking about it so much.”

 

Toni caresses her cheek, “I’m sad about it all the time. I don’t even let myself think about it for too long because then I just won’t be able to get myself to get on that plane.”

 

“Perfect. Then you should be thinking about it all the time, so you have to stay,” Shelby jokes and smiles softly, this time with no tears.

 

Toni can’t help but wince, as if she really wishes that could be the case and closes the small gap between their heads on the pillow. She pecks against Shelby lips a thousand times, doesn’t stop even when Shelby is giggling beside her and telling her to quit it.

 

They fall asleep smiling and sharing the pillow meant for one.

 

…

 

The drive to the airport the following weekend is calm. Shelby wanted to drive, so Toni sits next to her in the passenger seat while they hold hands on the middle console.

 

Fatin and Rachel are both in the backseat, which Shelby is grateful for. She didn't want to drive home alone and more importantly didn't want today to be a thing or an emotional, tear-stricken goodbye at airport security. She and Toni had their own goodbye last night and it involved Shelby helping her pack two huge suitcases and going to bed at a relatively decent hour. Shelby did sneak a lacey red thong into the pocket of her suitcase, along with the naked polaroid photo Toni took of her, and a love note doused in Shelby’s perfume.

 

The note would be extremely embarrassing if anyone other than Toni were to read it. There’s a line in there that says, You’re taking my heart with you, please look after it.

 

Disgusting, she knows.

 

Both Fatin and Rachel hug Toni goodbye outside the terminal and stay back to watch the car, while Shelby walks her in with a luggage in tow.

 

“You have everything?” Shelby checks once they’ve dropped Toni’s bags off at the desk and it’s time for her to head through security.

 

“Yeah, I think so,” Toni lets out a deep breath. 

 

The moment they’ve been dreading is finally here, so they just reach for each other and kiss for a long, long while in the middle of crowded LAX. 

 

When they separate, Shelby looks Toni up and down in her sweats. They’re holding hands, swinging them back and forth between them.

 

“Facetime me every night. And text me everything that happens. I don’t care if it’s about what you eat for lunch, a weird shit you take, or any encounters you may have with koalas or even the odd kangaroo.”

 

Toni laughs, “I promise to update you on all my weird shits. And any and all koala interactions.”

 

“Good. I love you,” Shelby says with a small smile.

 

“I love you more,” Toni smiles back, swinging their hands in between them.

 

When Shelby’s back in the car, it’s now with Fatin sitting next to her. Shelby wordlessly starts the engine again.

 

“All good?” Fatin asks, her eyebrow raised with concern.

 

Shelby looks at her and then to Rachel in the back, “Not sure yet,” she exhales. “Are you guys free to hang out for a bit?”

 

They say yes and Shelby’s already received a text from Toni. It’s a photo of herself with red-dusted fingers, holding up a bag of Taki’s she must've just bought at the airport.

 

Shelby thinks they’ll be okay.

 

Notes:

well. any predictions?

i'm v excited for the next few chapters, so updates will hopefully be quicker!

twt: @sj_writess

Chapter 13

Notes:

i'm back :P

song for this chapter: lover // over the moon by alice phoebe lou

Shelby stares at herself in the mirror for a long time. It’s early morning and this day is already wretched. 

 

Shelby didn't sleep well last night. The air in her bedroom too hot and stuffy, as summer saves the most sweltering heat for its last few weeks. All night, the sheets refused to stop clinging uncomfortably onto her skin, which means Shelby was practically naked by morning— having hastily shed all her clothes as she thrashed about in bed. Finally, after hours of trying, and failing, to stay asleep, Shelby’s accepted defeat and got out of bed to start her day three hours earlier than she actually needed to.

 

This is how Shelby finds herself standing in the bathroom she shares with Fatin, naked save for her underwear. The sun is just rising and the apartment’s silence hangs heavy. It’s so quiet that Shelby hears nothing but the sound of her own breath. It makes her move more quietly, more slowly.

 

Shelby brushes her teeth and as she does so, runs her eyes over each detail of her naked self. Her undefined arms, her breasts that are the slightest bit uneven, her fleshy hips, the dry skin at her elbows. Making a laundry list of the likes, dislikes, and indifferences about the body she’s forever stuck with. Encaged within.

 

She stares and nitpicks for so long that toothpaste drips down onto the counter, the toothbrush hanging dumbly out of her mouth. Shelby rinses her mouth for all but a few seconds before she peers back at the mirror, distracted again. Her focus gets drawn down to her navel where an ugly little hole remains from a since taken out piercing. 

 

She blames the odd, slow processing of her brain this morning on her bad night’s sleep, but she briefly thinks of her father and decides to blame him instead. She looks away from the mirror; Shelby doesn't want to think about him this early in the day.

 

Shelby glances down at her phone perched on the bathroom counter and taps the screen alive, seeing 6:00 am flash back at her. If Shelby’s quick mental calculation is correct, that means it’s almost midnight in Sydney.

 

Her day is just beginning, while Toni’s is almost over. Today marks Toni having been gone one whole month.

 

For the most part, Shelby’s been taking it well— they’ve been taking it well. FaceTime calls whenever the seventeen hour time difference decides to not be a pain in the ass, and daily stream of texts, no matter how silly or mundane the message, make the distance less unbearable. There are sweet gestures when either of them can, like when Shelby sent Toni flowers to her hotel on her first day filming a couple weeks back. 

 

They’ve had sex a few times over FaceTime. Touching themselves at the same time, moaning each other’s names, Shelby pretending that the fingers pressing circles against her skin are Toni’s, not her own. But then, there was the one time where seeing her own pixelated vagina glaring back at her on the screen made Shelby feel ill. The whole thing was doing absolutely nothing but spoil her mood. With her hand cramped up from holding her phone at an awkward angle, Shelby stopped pumping her fingers and admitted to Toni that she couldn’t get into it. Toni’s response was to throw her back against the pillow and sigh out in relief that she didn’t think she’d be able to finish either. Shelby ended up crying, fits of sobs over the phone, and they haven’t tried again since.

 

Now, Shelby grabs her phone off the counter and reverts her eyes back to the mirror, angling her hip up in a flattering angle. It feels ridiculous because the last thing Shelby feels right now is sexy, but she takes the hair tie out of the messy bun plopped high on her head and shakes her out hair regardless. With one hip still exaggeratingly raised, she pulls up the band of underwear to sit up higher on her hips— fiddling with it until she looks less bloated than she feels.

 

Once she’s satisfied with her pose, Shelby shoves her hand down the front of her underwear. She snaps a photo of her reflection in the mirror.

 

Taking her hand out almost as quickly as it’d gone in, barely just a few seconds, Shelby wipes her fingers on a nearby towel accompanied by a quiet scoff. She isn't the least bit turned on and is, in actuality, morbidly unimpressed with everything about today. No matter, she attaches the mirror selfie in her text string with Toni.

 

At first, Shelby types out “wish you were here.” But all meaning behind the sentiment gets lost, as she envisions the words written boldly across a flashy postcard. A cliche display of affection isn't exactly what she’s going for, so she deletes it.

 

Next, she tries “thinking of you.” It’s better. 

 

This one implies that Toni’s what’s on her mind, as she’s touching herself to thoughts of them together. And if Toni does the math, she’ll see that it’s early morning for Shelby and this is the very first thing Shelby’s doing with her day. That even a world away, Toni still gets her going enough to send photos this early.

 

Ultimately, Shelby feels like it’s a bit of a hoax, given that the reality of the photo is a lot less sexy than it appears.

 

Finally, she types out “miss you.” It’s simple, albeit redundant, and the least seductive of all her options. But, of all three, this one rings the most true. Still— there’s something off about “miss you” too. 

 

Shelby can’t quite put her finger on it.

 

I miss you.

 

There’s a French translation of the words “I miss you” that Shelby hasn't been able to get out of her head since she first heard it. 

 

Apparently, the phrase “I miss you,” or tu me manques in French, better translates to something along the lines of “you are missing to me.” The French translation implies that someone’s become so much a part of you that their very absence leaves you feeling incomplete. Like they’ve run off with a missing piece of yourself and tu me manques is the plea back for it. It reveals a level of attachment that Shelby can’t help but find romantic. She thinks the French translation is better suited to how she’s feeling this morning. Detached and longing for something out of her reach.

 

Shelby amends her message and types out the words: i’m missing you. 

 

While Toni will interpret the verbiage as she will, Shelby hopes she picks up on the difference. Before sending it, Shelby removes the phony photo of herself from the message and then from her camera roll altogether.

 

Instead, she leaves the words as they are and hits send.

 

…

 

Shelby makes an active effort to enjoy the rest of her day. Getting up extra early allows her enough time to treat herself to a nice breakfast. So, Shelby spends the morning sitting at her favorite cafe eating overpriced avocado toast that she could have made at home and coffee that she definitely could not have made at home. She has a thing for latte art and little hearts made of steamed milk have enough power to make or break her day.

 

Shelby sits at her favorite table by the window and scrolls through her phone, which lately has turned into something like an extra limb. Shelby finds it incredibly annoying. The main reason being is that Shelby doesn’t particularly want to be that person who peers down at their phone every other minute, feigning interest in the world moving around her when she feels like her world actually exists within a square touch screen piece of metal. 

 

But, navigating a seventeen hour time difference is time-consuming and requires a bit of effort. So, the fluttering in her stomach that erupts each time her phone vibrates remains. She’s hopeful for a text even though she rationally tells herself that Toni’s most definitely asleep.

 

Shelby scrolls through her phone quite seriously, hoping that to a casual observer, it looks like she’s reading the news or maybe a lengthy article all about the four main branches of philosophy. But, in actuality, she’s stalking a Toni Shalifoe fan account on Instagram to see what people—Toni’s fans specifically— have to say about her.

 

Surprisingly, Shelby doesn't find it strange that there are thousands of people on the internet who track her girlfriend’s every move and obsess over any odd new photo that appears of her online. Shelby gets it— if she could, she’d name herself president of the fucking fan club. Funnily enough, she doesn't actually care what they post about Toni. Shelby honestly thinks the affinity is flattering, but knows it’s severely misguided. No matter how much these fans think they “know” Toni or “get” her in some deep way, they’re claiming a figmented version of who Toni is in reality. Shelby already made peace with the separation between the Toni she loves and the Toni who is a famous person.

 

But this isn’t about Toni. No, Shelby is scrolling through this account to find her own name amidst the madness. It seems like she’s deliberately left out of the conversation for reasons Shelby tries not to fixate on. If Toni’s fans pretend she doesn't exist, maybe that burning flame for having a chance with their favorite celebrity remains alive. Or maybe Shelby’s just that irrelevant.

 

Anyways, she scrolls and scrolls, finally finding the leaked balcony photos, which are the only public photos of them together. Shelby reads the comments under the photo and smiles when people say they look so cute together or how Toni has never looked happier.

 

After a few minutes of scrolling the sea of positive comments, Shelby exits the app abruptly once she sees someone’s commented: bitch.

 

…

 

Later that day, Shelby’s on set for a photoshoot. 

 

They’re shooting a fall campaign, as it’s just a few weeks away from the beginning of the season, and a b-list model is stretched out across a red velvet couch wearing a faux-fur trimmed jacket that Shelby picked out. It’s a sample she’s meant to return, but Shelby really wants to keep it for herself. It’s her size, which is half the reason she chose it in the first place. Shelby makes a mental note to speak to someone about that.

 

Shelby looks on at the staged scene in front of her, standing behind the camera with her hands clenched tightly in front of her. Gnawing at her bottom lip tightly between her teeth, Shelby’s stance may come across as worried, but in reality it’s an attempt to contain her over-excitement. Every shot and every click of the camera looks incredible— better than any cover she’d worked on at Rose when she had a team of assistants in tow. No, this is all her with no team, no assistants, and just a few notes from the magazine’s editor.

 

“Can you pause for one second?” Shelby asks the photographer, already running over to the other side of the camera to adjust the model.

 

Shelby steps directly in front of her and reaches out to move the woman’s hair behind her ear, carefully smoothing it out until it falls perfectly over her shoulder. The model looks up at Shelby with an annoyed look on her face that reads, “I was just about to do that anyway.” Once it’s perfect, Shelby shoots her a fakely sweet smile and gives the photographer a thumbs up.

 

“Sorry, we need shots with the earrings showing,” Shelby explains. She runs back around behind the camera and resumes her place to keep watching. 

 

“That’s alright,” the photographer reassures her. 

 

The photographer is a woman named Linh who Shelby’s worked with before. Shelby considers them to be professional acquaintances because they’ve built a good rapport and Linh isn't one of those artistic control freaks behind the camera who refuses to hear feedback from anyone. 

 

About ten minutes later, Linh steps away from the camera and calls out to everyone that it’s a wrap. Immediately, she twists over to Shelby and holds out her hand for a high-five, which Shelby returns. 

 

“Always a pleasure, Goodkind,” Linh says.

 

“Indeed it is,” Shelby quips back, already going over to grab the jacket off the model, carefully removing it from her shoulders. Now that the coat is decidedly hers, it’s not leaving her sight. 

 

“You did so great. Congratulations on your cover, I can’t wait to see it,” Shelby feigns pleasantries with the model, whose manager is already coming over to coddle her.

 

Shelby goes back to join Linh who's laughing to herself, as she packs away her equipment. “The worst human being,” Linh whispers under her breath.

 

Shelby rolls her eyes. “I have no problem working with models. They’re very hard-working people. But, I have a theory that the more pouty their lips are, the more catty they tend to be,” Shelby says quietly.

 

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Linh laughs. There’s a moment of silence and Shelby feels herself being looked over, as Linh’s eyes indiscreetly scan her up and down. 

 

“Have you ever modeled before? You’ve got the look for it. Plus you're not that pouty.”

 

Shelby smiles; it’s not the first time she’s been asked.

 

“No, it’s not really my thing. I’m more of a behind the camera type of person. I’ll stick to dressing people who are absurdly more attractive than I am,” Shelby says. Shelby turns to go pack up all her stuff and organize all the clothes for whoever from the magazine is coming to collect everything. 

 

She needs to leave soon since she has a fitting for a new client this afternoon. Also, she wants to check her phone. Toni will be awake soon.

 

“Speaking of behind the camera,” Linh calls out from behind her, “Are you interested in styling next month’s cover? They booked me and I know they’re still looking for styling. And with how good these shots are, I’m sure they’ll want you back too. I’ll put a word in if you want.”

 

Shelby stops in her tracks, turning back towards Linh. “Are you kidding me? Of course I’m interested! Just email me the details and let me know.”

 

Linh folds down the last of her camera equipment, while people run around taking down all the lights, deconstructing the set. Shelby tries her best to not get hit by a studio light, as Linh shares, “The cover will be some actress. I’ve never heard of her, but apparently she’s on some popular teen show.”

 

“Okay, sounds good. I don’t really care who it is, as long as I have a job.”

 

“Agreed,” Linh nods. “I can’t remember her name. Ugh, what was her name,” Linh stops what she’s doing to huff out in mild frustration, racking her brain. 

 

It’s true that Shelby couldn't care less who it is. She laughs hardheartedly anyways and shrugs her shoulders to play along, politely waiting to excuse herself from this conversation. 

 

“Oh, that’s right!” Linh exclaims, and Shelby pictures an imaginary light bulb sound going off in Linh’s head.

 

“It’s someone named Becca Gilroy. Do you have any idea who that is?” Linh asks.

 

Shelby feels the back of her neck tingle at the mention of her name. She had no idea Becca was working and apparently doing well to grace the cover of a mainstream magazine.

 

Clutching on so tightly to the coat in her hands that her knuckles turn white, Shelby tries to keep her voice even and casual.

 

“The name sounds vaguely familiar. I think. Actually, um, I’m not sure. No, no I have no idea who that is. I’ll have to Google her.”

 

Shelby’s answer is panicked and she hears an unfamiliar nervous laugh leave her own mouth. However, Linh doesn't know her well enough to notice her nervous energy quite yet.

 

Shelby can’t fucking work with Becca. There’s not a chance in hell she’s putting herself in the same room as her— they haven't spoken in three years. Not since Shelby did what she did or said those horrible things. After Shelby hurt Becca more than she ever thought she’d be capable of hurting anyone. Becca would lose it on her in a room full of people and Shelby would be dragged into all kinds of drama she doesn't want to be involved in. Anyways, Shelby no longer associates with that person she used to be. Back then she was young, stupid, selfish, and losing terribly in her fight for survival. Shelby’s moved on and isn't opening that can of worms. She can’t do it.

 

“Um, Shelby?” Linh looks expectantly at her, eyebrow raised. Shit, Shelby missed whatever it is Linh last said.

 

“What? Oh, actually I can’t do next month. I’ll be in New York for fashion week,” Shelby retracts back.

 

Linh shakes her head, “That’s no problem at all. The shoot isn't happening until the end of the month. This year's fashion week is during the first week of September, right?” 

 

Linh’s being more polite than she needs to be. At the least, much more than Shelby deserves with her string of strange responses. She’s obviously invested in helping Shelby book the job. Shelby who needs the money so she can get out of Fatin’s hair and start renting her own apartment. Shelby who doesn't want to have to live off her best friend and roommate for free anymore when her girlfriend is getting ready to buy her own fucking house.

 

Shelby needs to get out of here; she’s feeling as hot and clammy as she did last night kicking the sheets off her body, desperate for fresh air.

 

“Well I'll be there. I’m staying the whole month. Meetings, clients, fitting, you know,” Shelby lies. She isn't staying past the first week.

 

Linh gives her a strange look. “I totally get it. Well, um, see you around then, Shelby.” 

 

“See you,” Shelby waves and manages a smile she hopes will counteract her awkwardness from the past few minutes.

 

Shelby quickly hangs everything up as neatly as she can and makes sure all the expensive as shit jewelry is tucked away in its baggies before gathering all her personal things. She tosses her bag over her shoulder, thanks and compliments everyone she bypasses, gives a bright smile to the indifferent model who barely glances up at her, and asks Linh to shoot email her anyways, even though Shelby knows her response will be that she’s unavailable.

 

Shelby's phone has no new messages and it’s not until freeway traffic hits when she realizes she accidently left the coat behind.

 

Today can fuck off.

 

…

 

There’s a new club opening downtown and Fatin is dying to go. She’s so excited that when Shelby declines the offer of bottle service, the best music, and being in the company of anybody who is anybody in LA — Fatin swears she’ll never speak to Shelby again.

 

“It’s a Wednesday,” Shelby insists.

 

“Wednesday is the new Saturday,” Fatin yells like it’s a fact of life that Shelby should be smart enough to know.

 

“I don’t care. I’m not going, Fatin.”

 

“You’re willing to never speak to me again over staying home tonight? Shelby, think about this.”

 

Shelby ignores Fatin’s hysteria and pushes past her into the kitchen to get started on cooking herself dinner.

 

“You’ll speak to me tomorrow when you crawl in my bed— still drunk— to tell me how smart I was for not going out. On a Wednesday.”

 

Fatin groans loudly from the living room before following right behind her.

 

“Shelby please,” Fatin whines, plopping down onto a stool at their kitchen counter.

 

“Not happening.”

 

“The only other person I invited tonight is Leah,” Fatin says, slapping her hands down onto the counter. “Leah is the absolute worst person to go clubbing with. She only likes sad indie music and will probably sulk in the corner all night. I need you to be my dance partner.”

 

Shelby drops the onion in her hand and lets it roll across the counter, as she laughs loudly, hysterically even.

 

“Well, now there’s no actual way I’m joining you. Maybe if you and Leah are drunk together, alone, dancing all up on each other’s sweaty bodies, you two will finally hook up,” Shelby says through fits of laughter.

 

“Shut up,” Fatin narrows her eyes. It’s the one topic of conversation that gets Fatin to back down. She consistently swerves Shelby’s teasing with an obvious dislike for being the butt of the joke for once.

 

“No, seriously. If you don’t at least make out with her tonight, it’ll be me who never speaks to you again.”

 

“I’m not talking about this,” Fatin responds plainly, just as Shelby expected. Her quick turn around from fiery to surrendering just makes Shelby laugh even harder, wiping tears from her eyes. Shelby doesn't care how annoyed Fatin becomes with her because it won't change her mind in the slightest about tonight.

 

“I’m going to start getting ready and I hope your food turns out like shit,” Fatin says before leaving Shelby alone to dramatically slam the door closed to her room.

 

Shelby thinks inwardly as she dices up her onion into tiny pieces. She asks herself why she doesn't want to spend the night dancing away with her friends to then come home late at night for all the greasy fast food she can eat before passing out with all her makeup on.

 

Well, it’s not because of her original excuse of today being a weekday. It’s not because she’s tired. It’s not because she doesn't think it sounds fun. And it’s not because she’s had a shit day with the close call of almost agreeing to work with Becca.

 

It’s because she doesn't want to miss Toni’s call tonight.

 

The only thing she’s heard from Toni today is a few replies to her message from earlier this morning— it’s been hours since. Shelby wipes the food from her hands to read Toni’s words over.

 

:(

 

i’m missing you too

 

early call time, i’m so fucking tired. i’ll call you later baby

 

why were you awake so early lol

 

Right now, it’s around 7:00 pm for Shelby, which means it’s noon tomorrow for Toni. She has fucking hours to go before Toni’s finished filming for the day.

 

Okay, Shelby knows this is pathetic. The waiting around all day, the ditching of her friends in hopes of hearing from her girlfriend, the inability to check the time without adding seventeen hours to it. 

 

And in a rare occurrence, she has no excuse. It’s well and truly sad.

 

…

 

Shelby is asleep when the phone rings. The ringer and vibration from her phone wakes her up pretty immediately considering she fell asleep with the phone gripped tightly between her hands. The bright light of the screen stings at her eyes, so she has to squint through the pitch darkness of her room to see. Her usual home screen is eclipsed by Toni’s chopstick walrus contact photo: an indication that she’s calling and waiting for Shelby to pick up on the other side of the line. It’s currently 2:00 am.

 

“Hello?” Shelby says groggily into the phone, her voice very much rough with sleep.

 

“Hi,” Toni’s whispers. Shelby guesses that Toni’s speaking quietly since she knows that, for Shelby, it’s the middle of the night. What Toni doesn't realize is that the blaring sound of Shelby’s ringer was the exact opposite of her gentle inflection.

 

Shelby’s half in and half out of sleep, but she manages to hold the phone to her ear and roll over onto her side, facing Toni’s side of the bed. 

 

“Hi,” Shelby mumbles.

 

She hears Toni’s muffled laugh. “I’m sorry, I know it’s late. I honestly didn't think you’d pick up.”

 

“I waited.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Toni says again, pausing. “We can just talk tomorrow, go back to sleep.”

 

Shelby’s breath hitches, “No, no. I want to talk. I’m awake.” 

 

Shelby sits up a little, trying to make her voice sound less like she’s been pulled out from a deep REM cycle of sleep.

 

“Tell me about your day,” Shelby requests. 

 

Toni lets out a deep exhale and Shelby can hear her shuffling around, like she’s getting more comfortable. “It was pretty shit, honestly. Felt like I didn't do anything right and was just generally out of it. I think I’m sleep deprived.”

 

Shelby hitches the covers up higher over her body, relaxing into the sound of Toni’s voice. She would put the phone on speaker, so that she doesn't have to keep the phone held up to her ear, however, this way she can hear Toni’s breathing and the little vibrations of her voice against the side of her face. 

 

I’ve turned into a fucking creep.

 

“What a coincidence, my day was also shitty. I’m glad to hear we’re on the same wavelength.”

 

“Same. How’d everything go with the photoshoot today?” Toni asks.

 

“It went well,” Shelby nods into the darkness of her room. “I’m pretty amazing, so.”

 

Toni hums, “Well, now that you’re a big shot and styling magazine covers and have all these new cool clients, you’ll be too busy for little old me once I’m back.”

 

Shelby smiles. She loves when Toni calls her talented or encourages anything to do with her career. Considering Toni was the one to give her a chance in the first place, Shelby knows that Toni thinks Shelby’s good at what she does. But, compared to Toni, Shelby doesn't exactly consider herself to be the talented creative between them two. Because Toni is, well, sensational. So, an ego boost from the person she values it most from never hurts. 

 

“I’ll never, ever be too busy for you,” Shelby says sincerely. 

 

“Good,” Toni replies, and Shelby can hear the smile in her voice. “Well, then what happened with you? Why the bad day?” Toni continues.

 

“I hate everyone.”

 

“You hate everyone?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Even Fatin?”

 

“Oh, she’s not speaking to me anymore. I didn’t want to go out and now she’s pissed.”

 

“That’s a bit extreme. Why didn't you want to go?”

 

Silence.

 

“Shelby,” Toni starts.

 

“I was tired,” Shelby pretends.

 

“Shelby, I just don’t want you waiting up for me. I want to you live your life.”

 

There are phrases like absence makes the heart grow fonder, but Shelby thinks there are more apt phrases, like absence makes the heart grow batshit insane. How can she possibly communicate this without sounding like a complete loser?

 

“No, it’s not that. I— I just didn't have a good day, okay?” Shelby takes a moment to think on her answer and exhales before admitting, “I feel like I don’t know how to be a good person without you here.”

 

“That’s not true.”

 

“I don’t know whether it’s true or not.”

 

“Don’t say that,” Toni pushes back. “You like to hate yourself because you think it keeps you interesting,” Toni says nonchalantly, as if she were casually giving the weather forecast.

 

Well, that’s pretty fucking rude. 

 

Shelby’s mouth drops open, even though Toni isn't there to see it. “I don’t feel like talking to you if you’re going to be mean,” Shelby replies sharply.

 

“I’m not trying to be mean,” Toni insists.

 

“Well, my feelings are hurt. And I don’t hate myself.”

 

“I’m sorry it was meant as a joke and I thought it’d be funny. It didn’t land,” Toni apologizes.

 

Shelby’s not finished yet. “No, it didn't. I literally fell asleep with the phone in my hand waiting for you to call. And now it’s almost three in the morning and you’re giving me a psychoanalysis that I didn't ask for.”

 

“Okay, okay,” Toni soothes. “I’m sorry. You’re right it wasn't nice,” Toni finishes, sounding like she’ll say anything to salvage the night.

 

Shelby lets out a groan before laying the phone down onto the mattress to talk on speaker instead.

 

Sensing that Shelby won’t be the next one to speak, Toni starts slowly, “Okay, well then… what are you wearing?” 

 

It gets Shelby to crack against her will and she bites down on her lip, trying to keep an unwanted smile from spreading. She looks down at the dirty t-shirt filled with holes that she’s worn to bed the last three nights in a row.

 

“I’m wearing a red lace lingerie set. It has a push up bra and crotchless panties so my pussy is hanging out in the open for easy access,” Shelby says obstinately.

 

Toni bursts into a laugh, “Lucky me.”

 

“It’s too bad you won’t get to see it.”

 

“That’s alright, I probably deserve it.”

 

“Sorry for snapping. I’m tired and I miss you. I’m also very in love with you, so I don’t like you saying anything less than great about me.”

 

Toni sighs, “Well, I’m just as in love with you, so I don’t like you being upset with me.”

 

“I don’t think I’m capable of genuinely being mad at you, Toni.”

 

“Let’s keep it that way.”

 

“Okay,” Shelby murmurs before letting out a big yawn, suddenly hit with how tired she actually is. 

 

“Alright, it’s really late for you. I’ll let you get back to sleep,” Toni murmurs.

 

“Nooo,” Shelby whines. She isn’t ready for the silence of her empty room. “I’ll show you the red lace.”

 

“You don’t have any red lace on,” Toni says.

 

“Okay, well give me a second to put it on.” 

 

“No, go to sleep. I love you.”

 

“I love you. I love you a lot.”

 

…

 

The next morning, Shelby wakes up in much better spirits than the previous day. Not nearly as disarmed, grumpy, or sweaty. There’s no longer a strange self analysis happening in the mirror; she just completes her usual skincare routine before going into the kitchen to turn the coffee machine on. Fatin’s shoes, purse, and jacket are thrown in a crumpled pile by the front door, so Shelby knows she managed to make it home at some point.

 

As Shelby waits for the machine to heat up and pour out her little espresso that will never be as good as the one from her favorite cafe, she routinely opens up her email app to refresh her inbox.

 

There’s a new email sitting at the very top of her inbox that was sent within the last half hour. It looks… strange, to say the least. It’s from an airline, so she initially assumes it’s spam, but at a second glance she spots what looks like a confirmation number with her full name next to it.

 

Shelby Goodkind,

 

Get ready for your trip to Sydney! 

 

Your flight booking has been confirmed and your tickets have been issued. Please arrive at your departing airport at least 2.5 hours before boarding your international flight.

 

It has a boarding pass attached and everything. Just as Shelby remembers that breathing is important and she should definitely be doing it, her phone beeps with a text from Toni. It’s 1:00 am her time and she’s usually sleeping at this hour. The text reads:

 

get here

 

…

 

Toni answers on the first ring.

 

“You’re lying,” Shelby starts with.

 

“I simply have no idea what you’re talking about,” Toni says in a tone that means she definitely knows what Shelby's talking about.

 

“It leaves tonight.”

 

“Baby, I put you in first class.”

 

The shaky hand that isn't currently holding the phone is running nervously through her hair, and Shelby can’t tell if this is actually happening or not. The tickets must have cost a fortune.

 

She lets out a shaky breath, “It’s too much.”

 

“It’s not. I need to be with you and I know you need it too. I could just tell on the phone last night. Consider it an early birthday gift.”

 

Shelby quickly runs through her schedule in her head. She’d only be able to stay for four days maximum, including travel days. And with a fifteen hour flight, that only means she’d get two full days with Toni over the weekend. It’s crazy and doesn't make any sense at all. But, it’s better than no days at all.

 

Shelby laughs because she has to, and says, “You’re insane, you know?”

 

“You’ve driven me to insanity.”

 

“Okay. Well I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then. Or technically two days, I don’t fucking know how time zones work.”

Notes:

i just couldn't keep them apart too long, i'm a softie

Chapter 14

Notes:

song for this chapter: big wheel by samia

ok let me explain myself here. i promise this story has an actual plot. a plot which we'll get to very shortly. however, this chapter is... hm, i wouldn't say fluff or filler because in my own head it does serve a purpose (if you squint). this chapter essentially reads like a comedy- or at least i hope it does. I like to have fun. OKAY? Okay. This chapter is camp, alright?

next, i hope to be writing this story more quickly because i've been writing it for way too fucking long. and now that the show is dead um yeah- it's time to write. i am really sorry that i take forever to update, but this year has been an absolute whirlwind for me.

anyways.

oh, also. I'm posting inspo photos of both their outfits in this chapter on my twitter. check out @sj_writess if you care about that stuff

ok bye, enjoy!

To Shelby, the Sydney Airport feels like an alternate universe. Mainly because she’s had exactly zero time to process how she even ended up here.

 

Shelby doesn’t necessarily feel her best after the whirlwind past 24 hours. After haphazardly shoving all her things into a suitcase, rushing to get to the airport, and a gruesome fifteen-hour flight, she feels thoroughly disoriented.

 

Well, she can’t really complain about the flight considering Toni is the perfect angel she is and put Shelby up in first class. What a romantic. 

 

Straight off the plane in her big sweatshirt and leggings, Shelby knows she looks as tired as she feels.

 

Nevertheless, she smooths down her hair as best as she can and makes sure to pop a breath mint or four. Now, standing like a deer in headlights at arrivals, Shelby whips her head around in search of Toni. She does a double take at every brunette around the right height and continues checking her phone in case Toni sends any texts about being stuck in traffic. Or maybe Toni slept through her alarm since last night was a night shoot. She’s probably exhausted as well. Or maybe Toni isn't able to make it to the airport at all because she got called in for reshoots.

 

Just when she’s about to double-text Toni and let her know what signage she’s standing by, just in case Toni’s lost, Shelby sees her.

 

It’s Toni and her same unbrushed hair, also searching for Shelby in the crowd. It’s Toni and the same freckles that dot her face in perfect constellations. It’s Toni’s face turned to the side and the same curve of her jaw that Shelby can almost still feel warm and imprinted against her palm. Shelby can’t think of a single other person more breathtaking. 

 

And that’s with the ridiculous neon yellow sign Toni’s currently holding.

 

Toni hasn't seen Shelby walking toward her with her small luggage in tow. So, Toni doesn't catch Shelby swallowing back the threat of tears, as she reads the words Shelby Goodkind scribbled boldly on the paper in Toni’s awful, messy handwriting. This ridiculous sign, that isn't ridiculous at all, hits Shelby with a wave of emotion. She can’t pretend that the offensively bright yellow does anything but melt her heart to the very core. She’s grounded back to Earth as the confusion sketched onto Toni’s searching face turns knowing, now having spotted Shelby too.

 

Soon enough, the sign gets discarded onto the floor, as Toni’s arms open up wide for Shelby to step into. Or rather, run into because Shelby can’t help but sprint the last few steps and crash her body into Toni’s. She somehow feels grounded back to Earth. 

 

The first thing Shelby does is inhale deep into Toni’s hair, making sure absolutely nothing about the scent has changed. And nothing has, so Shelby allows herself to pull away, holding Toni’s face between her hands. The only thing in this world Shelby cares about is currently cradled in her palms.

 

“Hi beautiful,” Shelby greets, matching Toni’s bright smile.

 

Toni lightly grabs hold of Shelby’s wrists, holding them where they are. At the same time, Shelby feels herself being looked over, feels the details of her face being delicately registered by Toni. 

 

“It’s not fair, how do you manage to look this gorgeous after a full day of travel?” Toni asks. She continues, “How was the flight? How are you feeling?”

 

The deep rasp of Toni’s voice has guided Shelby to sleep almost every night for a month; but in person, it’s clear that a phone does the smooth trill of Toni’s voice no justice. Shelby sighs.

 

“That’s not true. I look gross,” Shelby answers, because when someone compliments you on your looks, the only sane response is to deflect and reject. “My flight was good. I watched three movies that all happened to star Julia Roberts. Who, by the way, is my hero, I think. I drank way too much green tea, thinking it would help put me to sleep. Little did I know that green tea is fucking caffeinated. So, the only thing it did was make me get up and pee every hour,” Shelby rambles, brushing her fingers against Toni’s cheekbones before finishing softly, “But, I’m better now. For obvious reasons.”

 

“Sounds eventful,” Toni responds. Not wasting any more time, Toni leans forward and closes the already small gap between them. Finally being able to share something as simple as a kiss is implausibly blissful, and Shelby kisses Toni back in the greedy way she’s been desperate to for the last month.

 

Toni tastes like citrus, lemon maybe. Shelby wants to devour her whole. 

 

Toni moves her hands down along Shelby’s sides, gripping at the fabric of Shelby’s hoodie, grazing along her hips and down the sides of her thighs. Feeling Toni’s hands push up under her, Shelby jumps up the rest of the way and wraps her legs around Toni's waist.

 

It’s about the third romantic cliche of the day and Shelby can’t help but feel like she’s starring in a cheesy romance movie. Even still, she can’t remember a time in her life that’s ever felt so perfect.

 

She feels Toni claim back what’s hers in a matter of seconds with the soft push and pull of her lips. And Shelby does the same in the way she tightens her legs around Toni’s middle and lets Toni capture her bottom lip between hers. All mine. 

 

Deep kisses turn into gentle pecks, as a search for release mellows into gentle satiation. The thought of some bypasser scoffing at the loved-up couple making out in baggage claim at 9:00 a.m. is enough to make Shelby reluctantly pull away, albeit with a blushing smile.

 

With that, Toni releases her grip on Shelby. And as her feet hit the ground, Toni jokes, “You should probably get out of here before my girlfriend sees you. She’s the jealous type.”

 

Shelby just rolls her eyes at the throwaway line. After all, she isn't the one who threw a crimson red drink down a woman’s side just because Shelby was talking to her at a party. Despite this conveniently forgotten fact, Shelby’s too delirious to entertain a quip back. 

 

“Cute sign,” is all Shelby replies, peering her eyes down at the paper now scattered a few inches away from them on the floor.

 

Toni laughs, but Shelby can see her cheeks color the tiniest bit at the mention of her efforts. Toni bends down to pick up the sign, guiding it slightly behind her back.

 

“Yeah well, you know. Just keeping in the theme of grand gestures and all,” Toni says sheepishly.

 

Shelby reaches around to grab the sign from Toni’s hands. Reading it again, closer now, Shelby sees a little heart dotted over the “i” in Goodkind. She has to bite down on her lip to save herself from audibly awwing.

 

“C’mere,” Shelby beckons her closer, reaching out to guide Toni’s lips back on hers by cupping her chin. “I love it,” Shelby says against her mouth, greedily kissing Toni’s bottom lip. “I can’t believe I’m actually here.”

 

“Mm, me too,” Toni pulls away again, this time leaving Shelby pouting. She reaches around to grab hold of Shelby’s luggage. “We’ll talk all about our plans for the weekend once we’re in the car. C’mon, my driver is waiting outside to take us to the hotel.”

 

Toni smiles, offering her free hand for Shelby to grab onto. 

 

Toni’s driver. It’s fancy. The words remind Shelby that her girlfriend isn't exactly anonymous. Shelby becomes slightly more aware of her surroundings and she looks around at the busy travellers whizzing around them for the first time. She checks for curious eyes or camera phones pointed at them. But, nobody is paying them an ounce of attention. She lets out the breath she didn’t know she’d been holding.

 

Once they’re tucked away into the backseat of an awaiting black Escalade, Toni introduces Shelby to the driver, who she learns drives Toni to and from set every day. From the front seat, the driver announces that they’re aiming to reach the hotel in thirty minutes or so.

 

“I thought they put you up in an apartment?” Shelby questions, clicking in her seatbelt. At least, that is what Shelby remembers. What she definitely does remember is seeing the background of Toni’s temporary apartment from various Facetime calls. 

 

“They did. But, it’s outside the city center, so I’m closer to the set,” Toni explains. “Set is pretty far out since they’ve somehow managed to recreate a deserted island an hour outside of Sydney. It’s honestly incredible, I wish you could see it. But anyways, yeah.”

 

“So, we’re staying in a hotel?”

 

“Yeah, I figured it’d be best for sightseeing, you know?”

 

“Oh okay, got it,” Shelby nods, secretly very happy about this move on Toni’s part. 

 

Momentarily looking out the window, soaking in all the unfamiliarity, Shelby hesitates before speaking again. The words uncharacteristically get caught in her throat, as the silent seconds tick by and she feels uncertain as to where to place her hands. It’s that out-of-body sensation that sometimes unravels with travelling; when you feel incredibly small mixed with zealous anticipation, which inevitably coagulates into a bundle of nerves. That, while also feeling a bit nervous with Toni by her side. It’s almost like first date butterflies— or more accurately, a pressure to make these two days so spectacular, they somehow make up for the duration of Toni’s time away.

 

After a silent minute or so, Shelby glances at Toni from the seat over. Toni is already watching her, and her expression shows that she’s intrigued, probably amused, by Shelby’s pensive behavior. Shelby unclasps her hands to gently pat the empty middle seat next to her.

 

A faint smile spreads across Toni’s face and she unclicks her seatbelt to scoot over onto the seat next to Shelby. Shelby naturally adjusts her position to lean into Toni, under the arm she’s been offered to tuck herself into.

 

Still quiet and looking out at the cars zooming past them, Toni pokes at Shelby’s side after another silent few seconds. It makes Shelby squirm and let out a breathy laugh, but still says nothing, processing, and she just tucks herself further into Toni’s side. 

 

“What’s wrong with you,” Toni says against the shell of her ear. Toni’s breath on her skin makes Shelby shiver.

 

“Nothing,” Shelby says. “I— just nothing.” Shelby stands her ground gazing out the window before she can’t help herself, ultimately peering up at Toni’s waiting face. Her eyebrow is arched, a sign that she doesn't believe a word Shelby is saying.

 

Shelby exhales unevenly, “I don’t know… I’m like weirdly nervous. An excited nervous. It sounds stupid, but the best way I can put it is that my brain is used to missing you and now you’re here and my brain is like ‘is this real life?" Shelby explains herself whilst keeping her head down, playing with Toni’s fingers and mindlessly intertwining their hands over and over.

 

“That’s not stupid. What is stupid—just a tiny bit stupid— is that Shelby Goodkind is actually feeling shy with me of all people right now,” Toni comments.

 

“I’m not feeling shy,” Shelby insists. “I— maybe I am, okay? Shut up.”

 

Toni snorts, laughter bubbling out of her, so Shelby lightly elbows her with the arm still holding Toni’s hand in hers. In retaliation, Toni grabs at the flesh of Shelby’s waist and begins to ticklishly squeeze. She does so until Shelby squirms away from her grasp. Until Shelby’s panting with laughter and leaning over so much that she’s nearly out of her seat and crouched onto the car’s carpeted floor.

 

“Stop!” Shelby screams, swatting Toni’s hands away. Toni’s tongue is poked out in concentration, finding spots to squeeze that’ll torture Shelby, but perfectly break the ice enough to make her ease up. Shelby begins to threaten between laughs, “Stop or I’m going to take that obnoxious sign you made and shove it up—”

 

“Ladies, we’re here,” the driver announces affirmatively, loudly, from up front.

 

Toni and Shelby jump back from each other, quieting their respective voices and decidedly keeping their hands to themselves.

 

…

 

When Shelby opens the door to the very nice hotel room that Toni’s booked and sees rose petals scattered across the king-sized bed, she stops dead in her tracks.

 

The sight in front of her checks off as cliche number four of the day. She glares (affectionately) at Toni next to her, who's biting down hard on her lip.

 

“I actually did request the honeymoon suite, but it was booked, so. I asked them to,” Toni uses her hands to signal her search for the appropriate word, “zhuzh it up.” 

 

Shelby says nothing, just raises her eyebrows and lets a small smile overtake her face. Toni closes the door behind them, while Shelby walks straight over to the ice bucket filled with champagne and two glasses.

 

“Shall we, my love,” Shelby sing-songs, raising the bottle out of the bucket.

 

“It’s ten in the morning.”

 

“Yeah, but for me, it’s quite literally five o’clock. According to my internal clock, this is perfectly acceptable.”

 

“Honestly, fair. Pop it open.”

 

Shelby manages to pop the cork with minimal mess. Meanwhile, Toni’s waiting, holding out both glasses for Shelby to pour the fizzy bubbly into. Shelby licks up the overflowing foam from the side of the bottle.

 

“Jesus,” Toni comments. Shelby just shrugs. It’s nice champagne; there isn't a drop going to waste.

 

“Cheers to us,” Shelby declares. 

 

“To us,” Toni repeats, as they clink glasses and sip.

 

Making eye contact with Toni over the rim of her champagne glass, Shelby lets herself watch, and enjoy, Toni’s throat bobbing with the effort of swallowing the golden liquid.

 

What Toni doesn't let her enjoy is another sip. Instead, she silently grabs Shelby’s champagne glass by the stem and takes it out of her hand, placing both their glasses back onto the table. Shelby feels a familiar heat spread inside, as Toni gives her that look— one that says enough with bullshit — and grabs Shelby’s hands to walk them towards the massive bed. Rose petals, canopy, lofted to extreme heights, and all. 

 

When Shelby’s knees hit the edge of the bed and she has to scoot up the rest of the way towards the middle of the bed, Toni follows suit. When Shelby lays back amidst the pile of pedals, Toni crawls after her. Planting her hands on either side of Shelby’s head, Toni swings her leg over to mount Shelby’s body. They aren't touching bedside the barely there press of Toni’s thighs against Shelby's hips, and Toni smiles down cockily at her.

 

Toni’s face is hovering over Shelby’s when she murmurs playfully, “What do you want to do today?”

 

Shelby doesn't get to answer, because Toni leans down to press a singular kiss against her cheek. She whispers against Shelby’s cheek, “The opera house?”

 

Shelby lays there, smiling even though Toni can’t see it, and shakes her head.

 

Toni’s mouth lingers but travels down to Shelby’s jaw where she kisses her again. “How about Bondi beach?”

 

“How about not,” Shelby links her arms around Toni’s neck, twirling the loose strands of Toni’s hair. She feels Toni snake down and Shelby elongates her neck, making more room in hopes that Toni’s lips will devour the area. 

 

Another kiss from Toni on the right side of her neck. 

 

“We can go see the harbour?”

 

“No,” but it comes out weak, breathy. She feels the wetness from Toni’s tongue at the column of her throat, as she places one kiss at the center of Shelby’s bare neck, making her way over to the other side.

 

“I’ve always wanted to see the botanical garden,” Toni murmurs after a few moments of sucking gently on Shelby’s neck. Shelby’s hand is gripped tightly in Toni’s hair. She hums out in disagreement.

 

Toni whispers into Shelby’s ear, “The Aquarium?” 

 

Shelby’s rejection of the idea gets caught in her throat once Toni’s teeth lightly scrape her earlobe. By the time Toni’s mouth reaches her left cheek, having made her entire way around besides Shelby’s lips, Shelby knows there’s a visible wet spot showing through her leggings.

 

“Is that a ‘no’ to the art museum?” Toni guesses. Shelby can feel the press of Toni’s smile against her cheek, clearly having too much fun teasing.

 

With Toni still hovering over her, now distracted with placing kisses along the underside of Shelby’s jaw, Shelby releases her grip on the nape of Toni’s neck. She snakes her hand down between their bodies, which are still not pressed together, and rubs Toni over the material of her thin pants. 

 

Toni’s breath hitches immediately and her mouth goes slack against Shelby’s skin.

 

Shelby takes a moment to say, finally with the upper hand, “I only want this.” 

 

She increases the pressure of her fingers, pressing up into Toni’s center, while Toni rocks down against her hand.

 

It doesn't take long for them to shed their clothing; shirts and underwear hastily flinging off the side of the bed. Next time, Shelby can take her time undressing Toni slowly, but for now, she needs all of her as quickly as possible.

 

It’s almost an hour later when Toni’s clit can’t take it anymore and she has to restrain Shelby by pinning her arms over her head since Shelby won’t let up with her fingers, or the use of her mouth and fingers in tandem.

 

After this, Shelby comes so hard two times in a row, looking into Toni’s eyes from between her thighs and rocking selfishly against her stiff tongue, that she swears she feels it all the way to the marrow of her bones.

 

By the second hour of them going at it, Shelby feels as if her body’s in a frenzy. Not only is she not satiated, but she feels like she’s relapsing on a substance her body was once hooked on— she’s getting her fix uninhibitedly.

 

They lay there catching their breaths. Toni’s on her back and Shelby’s cuddled up to her on her side, tracing patterns on Toni’s bare taught stomach when Toni announces she’s thirsty. When she moves to sit up, Shelby presses gently onto her chest. She wants Toni to stay resting. 

 

“I’ll get it,” Shelby says with a kiss to Toni’s lips.

 

Toni hums in thanks. She does lean up onto her elbows, watching Shelby’s naked body move off the bed and navigate the space of the room.

 

“I bought a water bottle at the airport and I haven't even opened it. It’s in my bag,” Toni says, sounding far off.

 

Shelby feels herself being looked over, wanted, ached for. She intentionally swings her hips that little bit more, but acts oblivious for the most part.

 

“Okay, I’ll grab it,” Shelby calls out, feigning innocence. 

 

When she zips open Toni’s bag to grab the mentioned water bottle from the top, she sees something she doesn’t like from the zipper pocket.

 

“What is this doing here!?” Shelby yells out exaggeratingly. 

 

From Toni’s bag, she pulls out a purple silicone vibrator. 

 

It’s the rabbit kind that has a slim head for insertion and a tiny bud at the top for clit stimulation.

 

Shelby looks at it with borderline disgust and holds it with a barely there grip like its very existence is an act of betrayal.

 

Toni’s eyes go comically wide before she bursts out so hard with laughter, she has to grab hard at her chest and double over onto her side in a hysterical fit.

 

Shelby remains at the edge of the bed with the vibrator in her hand.

 

“Explain yourself.”

 

Toni catches her breath, or more appropriately, gasps for air, as she gathers herself.

 

“Okay okay okay,” Toni meets Shelby's unamused stare. “I swear on my life I did not mean to pack that. A few times, we’ve had to take trips out for one or two nights to film off location and I pack that same bag in a rush every time. But, I never forget the vibe… I guess I threw it in there out of habit.”

 

“I can’t believe you brought the other woman.”

 

“I always think of you when I use her!” Toni defends herself, but Shelby’s eyes just widen.

 

“It! When I use it,” Toni corrects, yelping when Shelby darts the object in question at her feet.

 

Shelby climbs back onto the bed and snatches it back. She looks at the dumb toy which has been keeping Toni company for the past month and somehow feels resentful of the thing. Toni holds the covers up to just under her chin, protecting herself from any further phallic violence from Shelby. 

 

Naturally, Shelby searches the vibrator for its only button and presses it on. She takes a second to wave it threateningly in the air before sitting up onto her knees. Shelby guides the toy down between her own legs, making sure Toni’s watching all the while.

 

She presses it against herself, lingering over her entrance. She moves it around just to get it all wet.

 

“What are you doing?” Toni shifts. Shelby can see her futility pressing her legs together under the covers.

 

“I’m gonna fuck you with it. Obviously.”

 

“Was it that obvious?”

 

Shelby teases herself and lets it graze her clit just once. She also allows one moan, more for Toni’s enjoyment than for hers, and crawls up the bed slowly.

 

“Next time you use this heinous device, I want you to not be able to think about anything but this,” Shelby licks the underside of the vibrator, starting from the bottom all the way to the top, and presses a kiss to its tip.

 

Meanwhile, Toni’s eyes darken.

 

“Got it?” Shelby checks.

 

“Oh, I’ve got it,” Toni breathes out, already kicking the covers off her bottom half and reaching to pull Shelby on top of her.

 

…

 

The rest of the morning and early afternoon pass Shelby and Toni by before they decide it's probably best to leave their hotel room. Toni suggests sightseeing and Shelby agrees before her ability to walk tomorrow is nonexistent.

 

Sightseeing takes a detour of its own because once they step outside, both women realize how hungry they are. Breakfast and lunch were long forgotten in the confines of the knockoff honeymoon suite. 

 

Somehow, they end up at a pub. 

 

A grimy dark-wooded pub with 90’s soft rock playing from a muffled sound system. And after they’ve each devoured a burger and fries, they’re left sipping fresh gin and tonics served by their white-bearded eighty-something-year-old bartender.

 

Shelby sits across from Toni at their booth and listens to her stories from filming. Hears her vent about the early hours and long days. Asks about her costars and what it’s like to transform into a different person every day. Wants to know how she keeps busy in her trailer. 

 

Shelby wants to hear every single detail from the utterly fascinating to the horrifically dull.

 

By the time they’re three drinks in, Shelby asks, “Are we getting drunk?”

 

Toni looks up with her straw between her teeth, “We might as well, we’re celebrating.”

 

“That is very true,” Shelby agrees before doubling back. She turns her head slightly to the side, “Wait, what are we celebrating?”

 

“Um, I’m not sure actually. Oh my God, let’s make up a holiday!” Toni shouts the last part, slamming her hands down excitedly onto the table. She says it with a childlike enthusiasm that makes her look approximately eight years old. Like a slightly drunk eight-year-old. 

 

Shelby hums, thinking on it. “Today can be,” she starts. Pausing to look around for inspiration, Shelby’s eyes land on her drink leaving rings of condensation on the wood table. Her creativity is entirely lacking, so she suggests, “National gin and tonic day?”

 

Toni purses her lips sourly, “That’s so weak. Okay, I think today should be… national have sex in a dirty pub bathroom day.”

 

Shelby narrows her eyes, “Funny, but no.”

 

Toni frowns, drumming her fingers against the table while she contemplates. “Alright, hear me out. How about we make it a ‘yes’ night? We have to say yes to anything and everything we suggest tonight. To an extent, of course. And the point isn't to embarrass each other or make the other do something they really don’t want to. No, think about it like an indulgent thing. A celebration of not denying ourselves of the simple pleasures because it’s what we deserve.”

 

“I love the way your mind works. Yes to the yes night.”

 

They high-five across the table. Toni announces, “Alright, so our first yes is complete. The first being ‘yes’ to getting drunk.” 

 

And so, Shelby and Toni do exactly that. 

 

By the time the sun is beginning to set, both women are crossing over from tipsy to certified intoxicated: giggly, loud, and insufferable to everyone around them.

 

“Wait wait wait, she did wh—what?” Toni hiccups through fits of laughter.

 

Shelby laughs with her and takes a dramatic breath, mentally preparing herself to get the words out again.

 

“It’s s’true. Leah was coming over and Fatin wanted to have something baking when she got to the apartment. Because she’s l-i-t-e-r-a-l-l-y in love with that bitch. So, Fatin made cookies and instead of using sugar, she used salt,” Shelby slams her hand onto the table. “They tasted so… so… shitty. Leah spat it out onto the counter and I had to rinse my mouth out under the sink.”

 

“Stop stop, I'm gonna pee in my pants, Shelby.” Toni covers her mouth with one hand, hiccupping into it. For one second Shelby thinks she’s puked into her hand. 

 

And Toni’s face communicates that she might’ve. They wait. 

 

Toni nods, in the clear, so Shelby calls over the Santa-looking bartender.

 

“S’cuse me, sir,” Shelby calls out, slurring her words all the while. “May we please have two more gin and tonics and two shots of your cheapest tequila,” Shelby says it confidently, nodding her head and looking to Toni for validation on how well she’s ordered. 

 

The older gentleman just gruffs back at them, surely fed up with the drunk lovebirds who’ve been taking up his table for hours.

 

“He’s sooo hot,” Toni says. She winks, badly.

 

“Sooooo hot,” Shelby drags out, rolling her eyes.

 

The drinks get placed in front of them extra harshly, sending an outpour of liquid down onto the table with a hard thump.

 

“Baby,” Shelby coos. She reaches her hand across the table and waits for Toni to rest her hand in her open palm before continuing.

 

“I’m going to suggest something and you basically have to agree because it’s a yes night. Which was your idea in the first place.”

 

Toni narrows her eyes from across the table, but doesn't move her hand away from Shelby’s. “Okay, fine. Hit me with it.”

 

“First, we are going to leave. We’re the youngest people in here and everyone is painfully straight. How awful. Also, I’m starting to smell like a beer-scented Yankee candle.”

 

“Fair enough. Yes to that.” Toni nods seriously like she’s concentrating especially hard on what Shelby’s saying.

 

“We need to chug our drinks and leave Santa a hefty tip at the bar. Then, we’re going to the harbour where we’re only allowed to speak in Australian accents. Also, I’m wearing heeled boots that I really don’t want to walk in, so you must give me piggyback rides upon request.”

 

“Why the fuck are you wearing heels?” Toni asks.

 

“Toni, they’re heeled boots,” Shelby clarifies. “They make my legs look long.”

 

Toni sighs exaggeratedly, “Stop trying to justify your outrageousness. It’s useless. Finish your drink because I’m ready to get the fuck out of here.”

 

Five minutes later on the sidewalk outside, Toni gives Shelby an unimpressed once over.

 

“Can’t believe that’s what you decided to wear.” Toni gestures to Shelby’s mini skirt, barely buttoned cardigan which she's naked under, and heeled boots ensemble. “I can’t give you a piggyback ride. Your ass is totally gonna be hanging out.”

 

“Let it hang out!” Shelby yells into the oblivion of the night sky. She preps herself to jump on Toni’s back by gripping the backs of her shoulders tightly and bouncing on the balls of her feet in anticipation. 

 

Toni grunts loudly and stumbles to the side once Shelby unceremoniously jumps on her back. They are definitely too drunk for this and Shelby’s entire skirt has definitely ridden up her waist.

 

Once Toni regains her balance and begins trudging them along towards the waterside, Shelby places a wet kiss on her ear.

 

“I like your clogs.”

 

“Thank you. My girlfriend, who makes bad footwear choices, sent them to me. I do like these though.”

 

A couple of weeks ago, Shelby saw the suede Birkenstocks clogs and knew Toni would like them. She bought them and had them delivered here to Sydney. The gift was fitting in the sense that it came from her girlfriend, her stylist, and her girlfriend who happens to be her stylist.

 

The thought makes Shelby laugh to herself.

 

The harbourside is magical— with shops, waterfront bars, and live music lining the area. 

 

Once they’re in a more populated area, Shelby demounts Toni to save the tourists from seeing her bare ass. Throughout the night, they discover that Shelby’s Australian accent is pitiful, while Toni’s is incredible. This is, of course, not surprising considering what Toni does for a living. 

 

Shelby buys a magnet in the shape of a kangaroo for Fatin. Toni buys a hand-painted boomerang to place in her overflowing bookshelf of knick-knacks. She also dares Shelby to buy an “I Heart Sydney” t-shirt, which Shelby detests. But it’s yes night, so she does so begrudgingly. 

 

They are stupidly happy.

 

Later, Toni walks back to the hotel with a drunk and tired Shelby clinging to her back. Shelby’s feet are throbbing and she is envious of Toni’s comfortable outfit.

 

All Shelby wants to do is rest, so she lays her head on top of Toni’s and lets Toni lead the way back blindly.

 

Toni stops them dead in their tracks. Shelby looks up and sees they’re standing in front of a 24-hour convenience store a few doors down from their hotel.

 

“We need cigs. It’s the final yes of the night.” 

 

Toni must be very drunk to be the one suggesting a smoke. But, it’s fine by Shelby, who agrees and unwraps her legs from around Toni, smoothing out her skirt before heading in.

 

Shelby heads straight for the snack aisle, grabbing all the chips and chocolate that pique her interest. She can faintly hear Toni asking for the cigarettes behind the counter.

 

When she meets Toni back at the counter, Shelby sees a strange flash go off from outside the door.

 

“Fucking Christ,” Toni whistles. Shelby squints back at two men waiting outside with huge cameras. 

 

Paparazzi.

 

“What do we do?” Shelby turns to Toni.

 

“Um, I don’t know. Walk past them, ignore them, I guess,” Toni grabs a pack of gum from in front of them and places it on the counter with their snacks.

 

“Oh, okay.” Shelby’s never had a direct encounter with paparazzi. Save for the pervs hiding in the bushes outside of Toni’s apartment that one time.

 

“Can I have a lighter too, please,” Toni remembers.

 

Toni taps her phone to pay while the man behind the counter bags everything, and Shelby’s too drunk for this whole interaction.

 

As if she can eerily read Shelby’s mind, Toni sighs out, “I’m too drunk for this shit.”

 

“Are you famous or something?” the cashier asks suspiciously, eyeing both women like he’s trying to guess which one of them is the celebrity.

 

“No. Thanks,” Toni answers plainly.

 

Shelby grabs the plastic bag from the counter, while Toni guides her out with a hand pressed into her lower back.

 

The bright lights of the cameras set off immediately and both men start firing off questions directed at Toni.

 

Toni, what are you doing here?

 

Toni, do you like Australia?

 

Toni, introduce us to your girlfriend.

 

Toni’s hand squeezes Shelby’s side at the last question. The cameras keep flashing as the men walk alongside Toni and Shelby, who are walking as quickly as they can to the door of the lobby.

 

And then Toni shocks Shelby like she’s never been shocked before.

 

For some unknown, ludicrous, and uncalled-for reason, Toni silently lifts up the material of her sweater and flashes the cameras a clear view of her bra-clad chest.

 

The cameras, naturally, go crazy. 

 

Meanwhile, Shelby is stunned beside her, gawking at the sight of Toni essentially flashing these strange men and left to wonder what possessed Toni to think this is a good idea.

 

What the fuck is she doing?

 

And now, it’s solidified that Toni really is that drunk. Toni is usually very calm under pressure and deals with the less desirable aspects of fame with refined grace and ease. But now, Shelby thinks she’s well and truly lost it.

 

She basically shoves Tonis into the revolving door of their hotel and they stumble clumsily into the glass contraption.

 

Once they’re safe inside, Shelby’s natural reaction is to let out the laugh bubbling inside her.

 

“Why the hell did you take your tits out?” 

 

“I panicked!” 

 

“And that was your first reaction?” Shelby asks with her jaw practically needing to be picked up off the floor. They glance at the hotel reception staff who are pretending not to listen, staring seriously at the computers in front of them without typing or moving or breathing.

 

“I figured they’d be distracted and leave you alone! You know? Like, they wouldn't ask you any questions.”

 

“They weren't even looking at me, Toni.” 

 

The elevator doors that they managed to make their way towards open. They step inside at the same time.

 

“You are certifiably insane and now everyone is going to think you’re a deranged flasher,” Shelby presses. She doesn’t know whether to keep laughing or to cry.

 

“Shelby.” 

 

Shelby hums expectantly, looking at Toni for an explanation that’s a bit more detailed than the simple statement of her name.

 

“You, um, didn't press the button,” Toni says quietly.

 

Shelby would, but she has no idea what floor their room is on.

 

“You press it, then.” Shelby acts impatiently and steps back, making room for Toni to press the bottom.

 

There is a brief pause between them before Toni admits, “I don’t know what floor we’re on.”

 

“Neither do I.”

 

They end up pressing every button above the ninth floor— because they are certain it’s a double-digit number— and scan the key at every door that’s directly to the left of the elevator. Thankfully, their room is only on the twelfth floor.

 

Shelby feels like a walking calamity. 

 

Inside the room, Toni chivalrously peels Shelby’s boots off her legs, while she lays back on their unmade, rose petal and tangled sheets strewn bed. Then, Toni and Shelby lay next to each other in silence at the foot of the bed.

 

“Shower together?” Toni mumbles. Her voice is heavy and slow, giving away that she’s already in and out of consciousness. 

 

“In the morning,” Shelby answers simply, rolling over to tuck her head in the crook of Toni’s neck. They fall asleep within seconds, fully clothed, and shivering on top of the covers.

 

…

 

Shelby wakes up gasping for air. And like her brain is rotten from the inside out, pounding with a heaviness that punishes her for the disgusting amount she had to drink yesterday.

 

Her mouth is as dry as the fucking outback this continent is known for.

 

Her own putridness is momentarily forgotten once she hears the sound of Toni sick in the bathroom. She stumbles out of bed and walks toward the bathroom as quickly as she can, but when she opens the bathroom door, she has to take a second to digest the scene in front of her.

 

Toni is on the floor, naked, with her head over the toilet. The shower is running and there’s an open bag of chips on the floor next to her.

 

“I need to throw up,” Toni says miserably. Her voice, already naturally raspy, is so rough that it sounds almost painful.

“I know,” is all Shelby can manage to say. She grabs a hair tie from the counter, turns off the water in the shower and sits on its edge, still fully clothed from last night while Toni’s clothes are in a pile by the sink. Shelby gathers Toni’s hair in her hands and tries her best to tie it back into a bun and get it out of her face.

 

“I didn't want you to hear,” Toni grumbles. She’s barely able to lift her finger and point towards the shower.

 

Shelby rubs up and down Toni’s back. “It’s okay. Thank you though.” She continues rubbing at Toni’s back for a minute in silence. “I’m going to leave you alone, so you can throw up now. Okay?”

 

Toni gives her a feeble thumbs up.

 

Shelby is secretly satisfied with Toni's current state of comatose. If she could hand pick her perfect day, it would be to not leave this hotel room, order loads of room service, and remain tucked into bed watching movies with Toni cuddled up next to her. 

 

She’s so committed to this plan, that she pushes past the nausea in her stomach to execute it. 

 

First, she smoothes out the bed sheets and grabs both robes from the closet. Undressing herself first to then tie the fluffy white robe tightly around her waist, she leaves the other lain out for Toni once she’s done puking her guts out. 

 

She puts in an order for room service: two coffees. One black with one sugar. One with cream and two sugars. Accounting for the current state of her nausea and guessing Toni’s, Shelby holds out on food. 

 

By the time Toni steps out of the bathroom, she looks even worse than she previously did. But, at least she can hold her head up on her own now. Toni’s current state reminds Shelby of a hungover gremlin, which she weirdly does find cute.

 

After guiding, and joining, Toni into the shower, Shelby washes and conditions Toni’s hair. She then lathers up both of their bodies and works Toni’s muscles over with her soapy hands. All Toni can do is gratefully hum every few minutes and stand, unmoving, hugging Shelby’s middle.

 

Shelby wants to pamper every inch of Toni’s skin and dote on each of her needs because tomorrow, she won’t be able to do so. Her flight leaves back home tomorrow morning— New York fashion week is starting and the amount of prep work Shelby has to do before her trip to New York in a couple of days is overwhelming.

 

But, Shelby doesn't want to think about that right now. Instead, she wraps Toni up in her robe and instructs her to brush her teeth; wants to spend the entire day pressing kiss after kiss against her full lips.

 

Their last day together is spent quietly and calmly. Each of them nursing headaches until they can stomach the thought of breakfast in bed. Toni doesn’t lift her head from its place on Shelby’s chest. Shelby runs her fingers through Toni’s hair for hours while a shitty movie plays on the television.

 

They haven't spoken for an entire hour when Toni sits up to say, “Why on earth did I flash the paparazzi?”

 

“I could not tell you,” Shelby shakes her head, still in disbelief.

 

“God, I’m scared to open my phone. I’m even more scared to see a text from Rachel.”

 

Shelby laughs, “It’s what you deserve, honestly.”

 

For the rest of the day, Shelby doesn't think about tomorrow. In fact, she doesn’t think about anything. Instead, she soaks up every moment of the day with Toni— not thinking, just existing. 

 

She sees Toni in and out of sleep next to her and feels so fucking lucky.

Notes:

i had fun and i hope you did too x

i swear plot is coming

please comment. please validate me. ta ta!

Chapter 15

While Toni is away in Australia, Shelby trudges along.

New York fashion week came and went. With all the front row seats she had, Shelby considered the exhausting, booze infested week to have gone fucking fantastically.

What felt like a thousand years later (one month), Toni finally wrapped filming and settled back home in Los Angeles. The pair fell effortlessly back in routine and after so long apart, they spend everyday together in the closest thing Shelby’s ever felt to domestic bliss.

Toni’s current project is house hunting.

Knowing she needs more space and privacy, Toni thinks buying a home is the logical next step. All that to say, the thought of being a homeowner freaks Toni the fuck out. Every time Toni returns from a house tour or gets off the phone with her real estate agent, she finds something to complain about.

Shelby feels like she’s heard it all from her girlfriend. For example, either the house is too big and she can’t maintain it or the house is too small for the money. The house needs remodeling, which seems like a nightmare. The asking price is ridiculous, the property tax is too high, and the insurance rate prompts Toni to shout her new favorite phrase, “Are they out of their fucking minds?”

Toni has the money. Toni arguably has more money than she knows what to do with. But, Shelby understands where the aggravation and hesitation is coming from. With the little Toni had growing up— no space to call her own, no money, no stability— this is a scary big step.

The loft is the first place Toni ever called home. It embodies Toni’s charm, her chaos, her personality. It’s where Toni built her career and it’s where she fell in love. So, Shelby gets it. Which is why she’ll accompany Toni to view houses that are perfect and meet all her criteria, just to hear about how it was a complete dumpster fire the whole ride home. Shelby will pretend to agree, but gently points out all the things she liked about the house. After all, it’s not Shelby’s house.

But that’s a whole different topic she doesn't let herself think about too much. They haven’t discussed Shelby’s immediate role in the moving process.

As great as things are between them, Shelby thinks it’s too soon to move in together. She’s never lived with a partner before and it’s a step she doesn't feel ready for.

Impending excommunication from the lesbian U-Haul committee aside, Shelby is self-aware enough to admit that the whole idea just seems very grown up to her. After all, Toni has a financial advisor while Shelby still lives in her best friend’s spare room.

But there was one incident that gave Shelby the confidence that maybe, one day, she’ll get there.

During one house tour where Toni did not venomously detest the place, they slowly approached the master bedroom. The space was fantastic and checked every box. Except for one major problem: the closet was practically the size of a cupboard. Toni discarded the whole house for that very reason.

“Shelby, there’s no way even a quarter of your wardrobe fits in there. There isn't room for half your shoes, let alone both of our stuff.”

It was the only time Toni had painted a picture of their lives intermingling together to the point where her house, in the future, will be a home for both of them. The thought made Shelby feel settled. And warm.

Shelby thinks that one day, it would be nice to create a home together. A home that’s so them; a space that perfectly tells the story of their life together and their love. It will finally feel like the proper home they’ve both always dreamed of.

Shelby thinks it would be more than nice.

…

It’s Sunday morning and Toni, who is proficient at best in the kitchen, is making banana pancakes for breakfast. The kitchen is an absolute mess of batter, flour, and sugar crystals rolling onto the floor. Predictably stubborn, Toni refuses to let Shelby help and makes her sit at the small dining table just off the kitchen to drink her coffee.

Shelby’s no Martha Stewart, but she was raised in a household where women were taught to cook to archaic housewife standards. For that reason, she’s pretty confident that even with her premature cooking capabilities, she’d cook these pancakes in less time and less mess. But, she doesn't have the heart to fight Toni on it, considering how cute she looks with a lick of flour spread across her cheek.

Shelby has her feet propped up on the table and is watching Toni stirs lumps out of the batter when her phone dings with a text notification. Shelby scans over the text and audibly groans— it’s from her mother.

Toni looks up from the mess in front of her, tongue poking out from her mouth, and asks, “What happened? Who is it?”

“It’s a text from my mom. Asking yet again if I want to come over for one of their post-church football luncheons.” Shelby rolls her eyes.

“That sounds very… Texas,” Toni sighs while mixing.

Shelby laughs bitterly, “Yeah. No kidding. It’s like my parents never left Fort Travis— it’s sad.”

Toni hums in agreement, but her eyes peer up at Shelby, who is visibly agitated, drumming her fingers against the table. Toni ceases her whisking before asking, “You think that one day, you’ll ever like, I don’t know, actually go to one of those things.”

Shelby furrows her eyebrows, “I went to my sister’s birthday that one time.”

“Yeah, but other than that. Would you ever go to Touchdown Jesus Sunday Funday?”

Shelby fights the urge to narrow her eyes at Toni because Shelby feels like she should know the answer to that question.

“No, I don’t think I will,” Shelby answers finally, sitting up straighter.

“Alright,” Toni says with a shrug and picks up her whisk, continuing to stir. There is a lull in conversation, which makes Shelby want to scream.

“Oh God. Come out with it then,” Shelby calls out to the kitchen, unable to stand Toni’s aloofness.

“I didn't say anything.”

“You clearly have something to say. I can feel it pulsating off you like a rash. Or herpes.”

“Nope,” Toni says, with a pop to her p.

Shelby gets up from the table, stalking over to the small kitchen just a few steps away.

“You’ve been mixing that batter for fifteen minutes. If you overmix, it’ll become watery and the pancakes won’t be fluffy.” She knocks her hip into Toni’s and leans up against the countertop, crossing her arms.

Toni scowls at her. “Fine then. All I’m going to point out is that you have no plans today.”

Shelby pouts. She crosses her arms and can feel her cheeks getting hot. She lets herself be annoyed until she sees the flour stain on Toni’s cheek and softens like melted butter. Damnit. Shelby moves to slink her body behind Toni’s and wrap her arms around the brunette’s middle. Toni leans back into her embrace, as Shelby begins to softly kiss at the skin of her neck.

“Speak for yourself, but I definitely have plans today,” Shelby murmurs between kisses.

Toni laughs, but it’s all breathy, conflicted. Nevertheless, she pushes, “There are plenty of hours in the day.”

Oh, God— Shelby wants her to drop it. Shelby grips Toni’s t-shirt, bunching the soft fabric up in her hand and caressing Toni’s lower abs.

Shelby shakes her head softly, “Not enough hours for me.”

Ton turns around to face Shelby directly, trapping herself between Shelby and the counter. Shelby’s disappointed; her powers of persuasion are apparently futile. She’ll need to work on that.

“Stop that.”

Shelby steals a quick kiss anyways, leaning in to press her lips once against Toni’s unsuspecting mouth before she takes a few steps back, listening now.

“I think you should consider going,” Toni says.

“There’s no way,” Shelby argues. “Why are you pushing this?”

Toni exhales, “Don’t get mad at what I’m about to say. But, I think I have a unique perspective. And I know that if my mom was not sick, complicated, and cared enough to invite me over just because,” Toni shrugs. “I’d consider going.”

Shelby nods, understanding where Toni is coming from. But, that doesn't mean she’s interested in taking her advice.

“I’ve spent a long time creating boundaries for myself. From them— from my family, I mean. And I don’t know if I’m ready to test those yet.”

“I totally get that. I do,” Toni smiles apologetically. “I don’t mean to push you before you’re ready. I just want you to be happy and point out that maybe this is your mom’s way of extending an olive branch.”

“I hate olives.”

Nothing— no laugh. There is no cracking her today.

“Toni, with my mom comes my dad. Who is a toxic control freak and thinks that I’m living some demented life of sin. My mom is weak,” Shelby insists. “My dad is in charge and the day he tells her to stop reaching out— she’ll do it. You don’t know them like I do.” Shelby finishes out of breath, having worked herself up.

They both know it’s not Toni making her feel this way. It’s the disappointment and aggravation that comes along with having to explain her family’s views.

Shelby continues, “Of course, if they knew you, it would be impossible for them to hate you. You’re like an angel. Or a newborn puppy.”

“I am not,” Toni rolls her eyes.

“You are. It’s quite difficult to put up with.”
Toni kisses Shelby in thanks for the compliment before taking a long pause, looking at Shelby in contemplation.

“I could… you know, meet them. If that’s something you ever wanted,” Toni says.

Shelby studies Toni’s face. The blonde can’t tell if her girlfriend is offering from a place of pity or if she genuinely means it. After only a few seconds of looking into her brave, adoring eyes, it’s clear that Toni really truly means it. Later, Shelby will feel like a fool for forgetting one simple truth: Toni is the most earnest and selfless person she’s ever known.

“You would do that?” Shelby asks, shyly.

Toni reaches out and grasps onto Shelby’s wrist, gently pulling Shelby into her. Shelby lets herself be held for a few moments, hugging tightly onto Toni’s middle while Toni does the same to hers.

Shelby feels Toni press a kiss into her hair and then murmur, “I would do it if you ever wanted to rebuild some sort of relationship with your family. If me being a part of that is somehow going to make it easier, then I’ll do it.”

Shelby could cry. How did she get this perfect woman to love her?

In reality, Toni meeting her family sounds incredibly embarrassing. Should anything remotely rude or patronizing take place, Shelby would just die. Meeting your partner’s family is always slightly awkward, but it’s another level when it's layered with an extra dose of ultra conservative Christian guilt.

Shelby swallows down the tears and takes a deep breath before saying, “Okay. I’ll think about it.”

Toni smiles patiently, “Okay.” The actress squeezes Shelby’s hand. “Whatever you want to do is fine with me.”

Toni presses a kiss into Shelby’s lips before grabbing hold of her abandoned whisk.

“Now, let the chef get back to work,” Toni says with a wink.

“Yes, Chef,” Shelby salutes.

“Go sit down.”

“Yes, Chef.” Shelby begins to make her way back over to the table.

“Ahem,” Toni whines. “I need a kiss first,” Toni points at her dirty cheek.

“Yes, Chef.”

…

For the next two weeks, all Shelby can think about is Toni meeting her family.

It’s a strange life. To have your family living within a 5-mile radius, but considering them strangers. On most days, Shelby doesn't stop to consider it. But one little thing will set Shelby’s mind sailing, and like an unsolved mystery looming over your head, she can’t shake it off.

Shelby has a never-ending stream of questions going through her head. After all these years, have they changed? Will Shelby’s relationship ever be accepted? Can she take any more disappointment?

She reminisces on Melody’s birthday party all those months ago and how emotional it was to see her sister and brother. That day ended on a sour note because her father reared his ugly head, pushing Shelby to snap and defend herself. Shelby would hate herself for introducing Toni to an unsafe, unhealthy environment that makes her feel anything less than accepted.

When she was a child, Shelby dealt with her father’s overbearing ego with meekness and deflection. She was silent whenever he entered the room, avoiding him at all costs. As she came into herself, and grew into the woman she is today, Shelby became less and less afraid. With that, the desire to become everything her father hated turned into her main priority. Their relationship was explosive and Shelby, instead of cowering away from the confrontation, fed the flame.

Shelby is thinking about that fire and the desire to burn everything to the ground as she wakes up one Saturday morning.

The first thing she sees on her phone, groggy and not yet coherent, is a text from her mom.

Spencer graduated high school!!! We are throwing him a graduation party. It’s this afternoon If you are free.

Shelby takes a deep breath. In the past, running away was Shelby’s response to the hard shit life throws your way. She doesn't want to run anymore and doesn't think she deserves to.

Is Toni invited? Shelby hits send.

Shelby’s mom doesn't live under a rock, so she knows that her mom is fully aware about their relationship. If the years of a secret People magazine subscription are any indication of her mother’s pop culture knowledge, Shelby is one hundred percent certain about this. Any person dialed into pop culture who owns a smartphone person would know who Toni is. And besides, Shelby wouldn't be surprised if her mom has a google alert set up for her oldest daughter.

The response comes in immediately: Yes.

She turns her phone down into the mattress and lays awake for another hour.

An hour later, Toni is awake and cuddling into the warmth of her girlfriend’s skin. Shelby clears her throat.

“Baby,” Shelby whispers. Toni hums in acknowledgment with her eyes still closed. “Can you come with me to my parent’s house? Today is my brother’s graduation party.” Shelby takes a shaky breath before continuing, “Being in that house without you is a nightmarish hell-hole where dreams go to die. If you’re there, the whole experience will be a slightly comical, surely almost pleasant experience. My mom even invited you.”

From where Toni lays beside her, she presses a kiss into Shelby’s bare shoulder.

“Of course. Let’s do it,” Toni says, still sleepy. “That was nice of her.”

“If they are assholes at any point, we’ll leave.”

“We’ll be fine.”

Shelby continues, “I’m serious the moment it gets preachy Christian gospel in there, we’re out. If there’s even so much as a weird look, we get the fuck out of there.”

She pictures her dad gawking, awkward and powerless to the situation, as Shelby and Toni walk hand in hand through the door. Selfishly, she hopes her dads finally gets a glimpse into reality— that Shelby won.

“Okay, I have something to confess… I partly want you there because I know it’ll piss off my dad. And if that’s an asshole thing to say, then I never said that and I take it back,” Shelby winces, exposing her less than pure intentions.

“Oh God…” Toni starts. The brunette leans back to get a proper look at Shelby, sizing her up for a moment. “I’m fine with a bit of foul play because he probably deserves it, as long as I’m not your showy act of lesbian rebellion.”

Shelby can’t even pretend to be offended; she knows her ulterior motive is a slippery slope.

“I promise, that’s not what’s happening here. And if I’m acting… like, I don’t know, a brat, you have full permission to put me in check.”

“Okay,” Toni nods. “Then we’ll go. And everything will be fine. I’m very good at winning people over, you know.”

Shelby agrees and holds Toni extra tight the rest of the morning, enjoying the last few moments of undisturbed peace.
…

“Take the cross off, Shelby.”

Shelby looks down and touches the necklace sitting on her chest. It’s an absurdly gaudy gold plated cross, about the size of her palm, with encrusted crystals. The chain resembles beads of a black rosary, falling around her neck in a showy display of faux-religious extravagance.

“It’s Saint Laurant,” Shelby shrugs off.

“It’s hideous. Your family isn't even Catholic.”

“Who says I’m wearing it for them,” Shelby nods her head towards the front of her parent’s house. They’re currently sitting in Shelby’s car, gathering up the momentum to cross the pristinely manicured yard of her childhood home. It’s so like her father to maintain an obnoxiously green lawn in the middle of a drought.

The rest of Shelby’s ensemble attracts just as much attention as the flashy necklace. Shelby is wearing a white frilly dress that closely resembles an Easter gown she wore at the age of seven. It gives an angelic aura, with its babydoll cut that gives Shelby the urge to spin round in circles, as the skirt bounces prettily in the air.

Shelby believes her outfit, cross and all, elicits quite the dichotomy.

Toni, on the other hand, is dressed in a blue linen shirt half tucked into jeans. She looks straight out of a Ralph Lauren catalog and Shelby wants to eat her up in the least cannibalistic way possible.

“It’s a metaphor,” Shelby continues, very matter-of-factly.

Toni stares. “Your outfit is a metaphor? How so, exactly?”

“Good Christian girl gone bad.”

“Can you behave, please? I want this to go as smoothly as possible.”

Shelby examines the apprehension written all over Toni’s face. The actress fiddles with the bouquet propped up on her lap. Toni insisted on bringing flowers for Shelby’s mother— the more expensive, the better.

The couple walk hand in hand to the front door of Shelby’s parent’s house and Shelby smooths down the skirt of her dress before squeezing Toni’s hand. Toni leans in and presses a quick kiss into Shelby’s lips before letting go of Shelby and knocking on the door with quick, confident succession. Shelby looks down at her empty hand.

In barely a few seconds, Shelby’s mom answers the door wearing the biggest smile anyone’s ever smiled in their life. It’s perturbing.

Shelby’s mom runs her eyes up and down the length of her daughter— from the huge cross necklace to the short hemline of her dress, her mother’s eyes widen.

“Shelby honey, you look… pretty! Very pretty. And oh my, well you must be Toni.” Her mom is talking very fast. There’s a fondness to her voice, but her smile grows even wider which Shelby finds unsettling.

“Yes ma'am. It’s very nice to meet you. These are for you,” Toni hands over the flowers.

Although her mother already beat her to the punch, Shelby clears her throat and says loudly over the inside chatter, “Mom, this is Toni. My girlfriend. Toni, this is my mom, Jobeth.”

“It is very nice to meet you Toni,” says Jobeth, ushering the girls in. “And thank you for these flowers! They are just beautiful.”

“Well, you have a lovely home, Mrs. Goodkind,” Toni says.

Inside, Shelby can see Toni’s eyes wandering around her childhood home. Her brown eyes pass Shelby’s senior portrait on the wall. They scan the photo of Spencer wearing a football helmet too big for his head and one of Melody cheesing sans her two front teeth.

There’s an eruption of cheers that makes Shelby jump out of her skin. Before Shelby can register what’s going on, Toni’s already two feet ahead of her following her mom into the kitchen.

The house is packed. Spencer is cheering with a red solo cup alongside his friends, while Melody helps carry a platter of food out onto the counter.

There is so much action and laughter and joy radiating from this house. It is nothing like the home Shelby grew up in. It is nothing like the family she remembers being a part of. Her chest tightens.

Shelby begins to guide Toni towards Melody, so she can introduce the two, but they don’t get far into the house before running into Shelby’s father.

Ahead of Shelby or Dave saying a word, Toni sticks out her hand to introduce herself, “It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Goodkind.”

Toni’s outstretched hand is empty and waiting. Dave looks down at Toni’s hand for a beat too long before shaking it.

“Likewise,” Dave says in a clipped tone. His eyes roam to the cross seated on Shelby’s chest.

Two pairs of identical green eyes with lots of history meet. Dave’s with defeat and Shelby’s with defiance. They don’t say a word to each other before Dave looks back at Toni. “Glad to have you in our home, Toni. Enjoy the spread.”

Jobeth watches the awkward exchange from the kitchen, pretending to dry a glass.

Her father walks away from the pair, leaving them alone amidst the sea of people in the living room. Shelby feels Toni lean in close to whisper, “Geez, Dave. Lighten up.”

Shelby lets out a deep breath that she’s been holding in for maybe a thousand years. She grabs Toni’s arm.

She asks, “Want to go see my old room?”

 

…

 

Shelby’s bedroom is pink. Very pink.

Toni’s eyes widen upon entering. She turns to the blonde with a huge grin, as she takes a seat on the edge of Shelby’s bed. With a light press into the mattress with her hands, Toni gives the squeaky mattress a slight bounce.

“Wow. This is really something. Very… straight.”

Shelby rolls her eyes. She walks to where Toni is sitting and slightly pushes her chest back onto the bed. Crawling on top of her girlfriend, Shelby sits down on Toni’s hips, rolling them.

“There’s nothing straight about me,” Shelby says seductively, grinding her hips. “You should know.”

Toni grabs onto Shelby’s hips, stroking confidently at her skin.

“I’m well aware of that,” says Toni, her voice dropping a raspy octave.

Shelby kisses Toni with a ferocity that feels very much like high school. Probably because the last time she had sex in this room, she was in high school. It’s the kind of making out that leaves you gasping for air with a string of hickeys on your neck. Shelby bites Toni’s lip and Toni slaps Shelby’s ass. She uses her tongue and Toni moans into the kiss. They push and pull, act like the lovesick teenagers they are.

They kiss until Shelby viscerally needs more. She makes her way down Toni’s frame, kissing and licking her skin because she just can’t wait to get her mouth on her. Shelby works on Toni’s jeans, hastily unbuttoning and lifting Toni’s hips to tear the denim right down.

In the feral haze, she manages to hear Toni breath out, “Are you sure? Your parents are downstairs. What if they hear us? Or walk in. God, I’d fucking die.”

Shelby looks up from her in between Toni’s legs before saying, “We’re adults, Toni. They can’t ground us. Besides, they have plenty of people downstairs keeping them busy.”

“I don’t want to piss them off. This is the first time I meet them and it’s important to make a good impression.”

“Baby, please. I need this. I need you. Please,” Shelby begs, overtly desperate. In this moment, with the downstairs chatter seeping in through the walls— the laughter, the joy, the celebration— Shelby wants to lose herself. She wants to forget where she is and who she is.
Replacing her uncomfortableness with lust is the only way she can survive this hellish afternoon.

Toni pushes herself up onto her elbows, peering down at her girlfriend whose eyes are glossed over with an inward sadness she’s never seen before. She nods, as she helps Shelby peel off the rest of her jeans.

Shelby is incessant and focused-in on the way Toni’s body responds to her mouth. Nothing else in the world matters except Toni’s arched back and the tight grip on Shelby’s head. Shelby wishes Toni would hold on even tighter to the point where it would hurt.

It takes Toni seven minutes to reach an orgasm. Shelby barely has a chance to come up for air before Toni begins to re-dress herself.

“Okay, let’s go downstairs.”

“Wait, but I—”

“Shelby, please. C’mon let’s go,” Toni instits softly, yet stern. The actress stands to finish buttoning her jeans, Shelby groans from the effort of standing back up.

“Wait,” Shelby moves closer to grab the ends of Toni’s linen button down, “Let me tuck you in all nice.”

“Never off the clock,” Toni smiles, shaking her head. She stands still as Shelby proceeds to neatly tuck in Toni’s shirt, smoothing out the crisp blue linen.

“Are you okay?” Toni asks, earnestly.

“I can’t tell if I regret coming here or not. My dad was a dick. There’s like a thousand people here who I don’t know. And I forgot how much I hate this place,” Shelby finishes. Feeling defeated, she rests her head on Toni’s awaiting shoulder, wrapping her arms tightly around Toni’s midsection.

Toni kisses her in a succession of apologetic kisses against her head.

Shelby pictures how they look right now. Holding each other in the middle of her childhood bedroom. Shelby in white; Toni in blue. One in a mini dress so short her left butt cheek is visible with a sneeze; one tailored to perfection. Shelby is oddly inspired by the visual and takes a mental picture.

 

...

 

“Toni, what is it that you do for work?” Jobeth asks with faux ignorance.

“Mom,” Melody blushes. “She’s an actress.”

The Goodkind women and Toni are standing in a semicircle exchanging mandatory pleasantries.

Toni and Shelby’s iced teas are spiked with vodka from a flask that Shelby brought. It’s pink bedazzled and has cunt printed on the front.

Toni laughs, politely. “Yes, I’m an actress. Or at least trying to be.”

“Oh please, she’s being modest. She’s amazing” Shelby inserts.

“That sounds like so much fun! And incredibly exciting with all the traveling and events,” Jobeth continues.

“All that comes with the job and it’s enjoyable, for sure. But, I find it exhausting more than anything else.”

When it comes to her family, small talk is a very new development for Shelby. When she lived at home, communication was a mixture of tension, avoidance, and downright yelling. Her instincts prompt her to remain guarded like prey on the defense. Every answer she gives is paired with an internal battle to quip back with a snarky response instead.

Toni, on the other hand, is polite, gracious, and perfect. She keeps conversation flowing and says all the right things. She is accomplished and mature, yet lighthearted and approachable. In all her life, Shelby has never been more impressed by a person.

“I always thought Shelby would like to be an actress,” Jobeth says.

“Really, Mom? You’ve never told me that.” Shelby’s face scrunches up in confusion.

“Oh yes, honey,” Jobeth leans closer to Toni, “Shelby was very dramatic as a girl. Nothing like her brother and sister.”

“I wasn't dramatic. I was a teenager— a teenage girl, I might add. Sorry I’m not as perfect as your other two children.”

Toni gives Shelby a look, silently communicating that she needs to chill the fuck out.

“Honey, I didn't mean it like—”

“Whatever, I knew this would happen.”

The blonde’s face heats up, as Toni places her hand comfortingly on Shelby’s back. A ringing in her ears gets louder and she tries not to look Melody in the eyes, hoping she didn't embarrass her little sister.

After that, Shelby can’t dial back into the conversation. All around them, people are cheerful and celebratory. From across the room, her father is beaming with pride as he claps Spencer on the back. Her brother is surrounded by his friends and church members. The house is decorated with balloons and streamers— there’s a fucking con-graduation banner hung on the wall.

When Shelby graduated high school, she didn't receive so much as a card.

Shelby tries her best to focus on Toni’s hand on her back, which is steady in its supportive, comforting presence. She tries to reign in it— this feeling. But, she feels outside of her own body because she can’t quite register if this is reality. If this is the house she really spent some of the worst years of her life in.

The stylist takes hold of the crucifix on her chest, as many do during times of stress. But Shelby squeezes it for an ounce of confidence— for the cocky confidence she had this afternoon while getting dressed. The outfit is no mistake. The white dress is a mockery of her nonexistent virginity and the gaudy cross is a challenge. A protest.

She is in protest of this whole family and the unfairness they emanate.

Her siblings had a perfectly healthy, normal, loving upbringing. They have two supportive parents who host graduation parties. They share DNA but none of the same experience.

Why is Shelby the one who had to suffer?

Shelby catches Dave staring at her with an unreadable expression, Toni’s arm behind Shelby’s back, and she remembers why.

Shelby smiles at Toni the best she can, hoping Toni remains oblivious to the complete mental fucking breakdown she’s about to have.

Outside, the sky welcomes the late afternoon sun, making the day look hazy and warm. Shelby is three spiked iced teas in and desperate for fresh air.

She squeezes Toni’s hand, prompting her attention.

She leans in close to whisper in her girlfriend's ear, “Want to go outside?”

Toni smiles, squeezing back, “Sure, let’s go.”

“Excuse us,” Shelby announces, abruptly cutting off the conversation. She grabs Toni by the arms and guides her out the back door, shutting it closed behind her with a loud slam. The backyard is empty, not a soul outside.

It’s a beautifully breezy afternoon— a perfect image of California’s unrivaled weather.

“Isn’t it crazy that everyone inside is ignoring this weather. I mean, c’mon. With that stuffy air conditioning and all the noise, I felt like I was suffocating.” Shelby throws her arms out to enunciate her sentiment, but the liquid in her cup sloshes over the side and she nearly spills on her white dress.

Toni laughs, “Are you okay? Since when have you been a lover of nature?”

“I’m a little drunk,” Shelby confesses.

“I can tell. Let’s start heading out. I think we’ve been here long enough and drunk Shelby should not be anywhere near this house’s vicinity.”

“Wait, before we go…” Shelby puts her hand to her mouth, signaling for Toni to stay quiet.

There is a treehouse tucked further away into the backyard that Shelby always found kind of magical. Since she was already a teenager when her family moved to Los Angeles, Shelby never really had any use for it. But, every so often, she would catch glimpses of her younger sibling playing for hours in that treehouse. They’d play make believe, act out stories, and swing from the branches with no worries in the world. Shelby used to love them for it; she saw their happiness and felt happy in return. Today, she hates this treehouse more than anything.

The treehouse is full of overgrown moss and the surrounding patch of grass has seen better days. It’s like this structure is stuck in time, untouched and forgotten.

Shelby grabs Toni’s arms and pulls her towards the treehouse. The backyard is empty and this area feels even more secluded, especially with the dusted-up tire swing and now distant chatter from inside the house.

“Shelby, what are we doing over here?” Toni whispers. Shelby guides her through the yard until they’ve reached the treehouse, which is supported by strong wooden beams. When they’ve reached it, she giggles and wordlessly presses Toni against the wood.

Without saying anything, she peppers kisses down the hollow of Toni’s throat, using her mouth to gently suck and tease. The sun makes Toni’s soft skin warm like honey and Shelby just can’t get enough.

“Shelby, what are you doing?” Toni asks in a whisper before giving Shelby a little more access to her neck.

“Don’t worry we’re alone. I’m horny.” She proceeds to run her hands down Toni’s body. With her palm, she rubs Toni over her jeans. Vintage Levi’s that fit her like a glove. She moves her hand against Toni to create some friction, expecting Toni to grind down into her hand.

“We should go, I feel like they can still see us over here.”

“We’re fine, don't worry.” Shelby continues to kiss Toni’s neck as she rubs and begins rocking her hips against Toni. She thinks about how they never should have come today. She begins undoing the front of Toni’s pants, so she can reach her hand inside and feel Toni against her fingers.

“Shelby,” Toni warns, her body tensing.

“I really don’t care if they see.”

Before she realizes, Shelby is stumbling back. Toni pushed her off without warning.

“What the fuck, Shelby.”

Toni is visibly furious, hastily zipping up her pants.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Toni whispers in a harsh voice, gritting her teeth. Shelby has never heard her speak so angrily.

Shelby gapes at her, “I— I don’t know. I just thought… I don’t know.”

Toni looks back towards the house, checking their surroundings. She looks back at Shelby, awaiting an answer and looking more annoyed by the second.

“I’m sorry,” is all Shelby offers up.

To that pathetic apology, Toni rolls her eyes and walks away back towards the house. Shelby’s brain hasn't caught up to the present and doesn't move an inch.

Toni turns her head back towards an awestruck Shelby, calling out bitterly, “We’re leaving.”

Shelby nods, willing her feet to move, as she follows Toni back into the house.

The car ride home is quiet and painful for both of them.

Notes:

did you miss me? is anyone still here? please let a bitch know. love you in advance x

Chapter 16

For the first time in a long time, Shelby does not spend the night at Toni’s place.

 

Earlier, when Toni dropped Shelby off, no fighting words were exchanged. Neither woman raised their voice in the slightest. Shelby quietly, yet repeatedly, apologized, with less conviction as time went on. But, Toni said she wasn't ready to talk about it yet—she needed to clear her head. 

 

Before she stepped out of the car, Shelby had to ask Toni if she still loved her. The brunette who’d become her home, her everything, said she did. The reassurance made it possible for Shelby to go inside and give Toni the space she needed. When the car door shut with a hard thump, Shelby wistfully thought she should’ve put her head in the door and slammed it even harder.

 

Inside the apartment, Shelby finds that Fatin isn't home yet, so she cleans. She washes a few dishes in the sink and fluffs all the pillows, reacquainting herself with the home she barely spends time in anymore. She assigns herself menial tasks in order to take her mind off the situation at hand. When the common areas look neat, she ventures into her room. Looking for anything to distract herself from picking up the phone and calling Toni, Shelby begins to organize all the clothes scattered in her closet. She folds and re-hangs things, which does not take long at all. The closet is so much emptier now that she shares most of her clothes with Toni and doesn't bother lugging items back and forth between apartments. When she’s well and truly all tidied up, Shelby resolves that getting ready for bed might be the unfortunate next step. It’s the last thing she wants to do because it solidifies how she’ll be spending the night alone, without Toni, not having heard a word from her.

 

Shelby finally, slowly, peels off her clothes from today and leaves her white ruffled mini dress crumpled on the floor. This is uncharacteristic, but Shelby looks at the dress and now realizes how incredibly stupid she looks.

 

She even drags out her bedtime rituals by drawing a bath— a nice, long, steaming hot bath. Shelby prepares the bath with methodical thoroughness: bath salts, body oil, and an outlandish bath bomb to turn the water milky pink. The water is scalding hot, but Shelby ignores the biting pain by dunking her head under the diluted water. Shelby scrapes her scalp clean, as if rigorous cleaning will wash away all her impurities seen and unseen. She shaves her legs with expensive cream and exfoliates every inch of her dry skin. She dedicatedly brushes her hair until it’s free from all knots. But, after a long time scrubbing, smoothing, and exfoliating, Shelby still doesn’t feel clean. 

 

She cannot undo her bad behavior or her breaking of a promise to Toni. She cannot clean herself from the shame she feels. 

 

Shelby tried to say the words in the car. She tried to explain herself and the actions performed at her family’s house, but the pain behind the words was overwhelming. And no matter how Shelby thought to express herself, every explanation came out wrong. There was too much to say, to convey, to apologize for that her mind could not keep up in that moment. Too many thoughts combated one another and the fear of not being articulate failed her.

 

She could not communicate the rush of emotions because she did not understand them herself. Now, alone in the bath, she is able to finally, slightly, piece together her own emotions. Before this moment, she could not have told Toni that jealousy, anger, longing, and frustration all manifested themselves into something Shelby is not proud of. That dragging Toni back to the treehouse was her way of latching onto the only safe space she’d ever known— which is Toni— and needed to overdose on it, no matter the cost, in order to anchor back into herself. 

 

When the water runs cold, Shelby lets herself shiver. With the goosebumps come clarity, as her time in the water has allowed Shelby to think, ruminate, and understand the why behind her own faulty behavior.

 

When Shelby gets out of the bath, she doesn't allow herself to retreat into sadness any further. After checking her phone just once and momentarily feeling the sting from not having received anything from Toni, she quickly changes into clean pajamas. She shuffles through her bedside table, searching for something that she hardly ever uses— a notepad and pen. 

 

Shelby did not have the words before, but she does now. She takes pen to paper and writes. And writes. And writes. 

 

For Toni, she writes until her hand cramps up and her soul is laid bare. Pages filled with Shelby’s innermost thoughts and feelings. She paints a picture of everything she felt this afternoon and confesses what she should have shared earlier. But expressing the regret for using Toni as a pawn isn’t enough and the letter snowballs into a much lengthier admission. She goes further into the past and shares stories about herself, her past, and her family. Thoughts, feelings, and confessions that Shelby never even knew she had until now bleed onto the page. 

 

Shelby lays it all out there and secret memories, both painful and happy, are now Toni’s to interpret. She trusts Toni with it all and hopes, more than anything, that Toni will not hate her for it. Maybe she’ll love her all the more. Shelby writes a letter in which she does not feebly say “ sorry ,” instead she tries her best to repent through vulnerability.

 

It is the most honest she’s ever been, especially the parts where Shelby writes to Toni about her feelings for her. That it broke her heart to have caused her any pain. That she’ll never do anything to jeopardize Toni’s trust again. That she loves Toni more than she ever thought was humanly possible. That she can’t see herself with anyone else, ever again, and she wants Toni forever if she’ll have her. 

 

After folding up the pieces of paper as neatly as possible, Shelby searches for her shoes before hastily tugging them on. She drives to Toni’s apartment building while the letter burns a hole in her passenger seat. It’s not until she leaves the letter right outside Toni’s front door, on the floor, that she feels a weight lift off her shoulders. 

 

Shelby gets right back in the car and when she’s almost back home, she texts Toni to go check outside her door.

 

… 

 

No more than two hours later, just before midnight, there’s a knock on the front door. Shelby slowly gets up from her place on the couch next to Fatin, where they’ve been watching videos from Fatin’s phone. Somehow, Shelby already knows who is at the door. She doesn't know how or why the confident, quick knock gives her away, but it just does.

 

She opens the door to big brown eyes searching for confirmation; needing the truth. Toni holds the letter in her hands semi-reverently with how it’s grasped tightly between her hands. While she wears the same clothes from earlier, her shirt is now wrinkled and untucked. Her messy, dark waves frame her face; her expression is calm, yet cautious. 

 

Shelby gives a soft smile, as much as she can muster, before looking back at Fatin who is still on the couch, craning her neck towards the door.

 

“We have a visitor,” Shelby announces before widening the door and inviting Toni in.

 

“Toni,” Fatin starts, “To what do we owe the pleasure?” she teases, wiggling her eyebrows.

 

Shelby winces internally and begins to guide Toni away from Fatin’s innocent probing with a light tug on her arm.

 

“Missed you too, Fatin,” Toni faintly responds, following the familiar path to Shelby’s bedroom. Shelby looks back at Fatin with a face that says, I’m in deep shit, wish me luck.

 

In the privacy of her bedroom, Shelby shuts the door behind her and watches Toni take a seat on the edge of her bed. She appears casual, as she slightly scoots up the mattress, tucking her feet underneath herself. The letter lays flat on the bed next to her. Shelby is relieved to see her getting comfortable. It means she’s not about to bolt, at least.

 

On the other hand, Shelby lingers just a few feet away, giving Toni space if she still needs it. She wrings her hands together nervously before gently pointing at the pieces of paper. “Did you read it? All of it?”

 

Toni nods seriously, “You should have come inside. You didn't have to leave again.”

 

“I wanted to give you your space. And I hadn't heard from you, so I thought you weren't ready to talk,” Shelby pauses, letting out a shaky breath. There had been enough times today when Shelby disregarded Toni’s feelings. She was not going to do it again.

 

“I didn't want to be there while you read it. I didn't want to see your facial expressions or interrupt or force you into forgiving me if you weren't ready. And I needed time— time to get it all out there without worrying if I was making any sense or explaining myself well. Everything I want to say is in the letter, which I hope you read in its entirety even though it’s really too fucking long. But once I started, I couldn't stop. You have to know that it was really hard for me to… to tell you some of that stuff. It started off as an apology for today, but I found myself putting down things that I’ve wanted to share with you for so long. Writing it all down even helped me to understand myself a little bit more too.

 

“I meant every word in that letter, and even though you read it already— I’m sorry. I’m sorry for fucking up so spectacularly. I didn't put you first and I failed miserably at controlling myself. I hate myself for throwing a tantrum and for being so selfish. In the car, I had to ask if you still loved me because I’m not even sure I would still love me. 

 

“I know that I have a lot to work on. But, I will do whatever it takes to be better for you. For us,” Shelby’s voice cracks. “I am clearly not perfect. But, I do think we are kinda perfect together.” 

 

Shelby’s eyes start to sting, but she doesn’t let the tears fall, wiping them away as soon as they threaten to spill. “I hope you do too,” She finishes with a slight shrug.

 

Toni’s gaze lingers on Shelby and nods ever so gently. She takes a deep breath, a meditative gulp of air. “I was angry with you today. I was really upset and confused by you. I didn't like how you made me feel and I’ve spent the last few hours going back and forth on whether or not I want to put up with that kind of shit, Shelby. And the answer is, I don’t. I thought about the kind of conversation I wanted to have with you. In some of the worst-case scenarios, they didn't end well.”

 

At that, Shelby feels her heart crack open, beating out of her chest, which Toni must notice because she pauses. Visibly softening, she tilts her head slightly to the side before continuing, “You know how much it meant to me to meet your family. To be the only woman you’ve ever introduced to them. I felt a responsibility to show them how good and normal a relationship like ours is. To make them feel comfortable by bringing flowers, asking questions, taking an interest, and hopefully showing them how.. how real we are. To make them see that we are legit and in love, just like any other couple out there.

 

“It broke my heart to leave each other like we did. I thought we’d feel closer than ever afterward. I never thought we’d go our separate ways and spend hours without talking. And it made me, like, even more angry with you,” Toni shakes her head. Shelby sees Toni’s lip begin to quiver slightly before she bites down on her lip quickly.

 

“But, then I read your letter. I read every word and I read it twice. And only you could make me go from being mad at you to feeling badly for you and then needing to hold you in a matter of sentences. You drive me fucking insane sometimes,” Toni says with enough conviction that Shelby knows she well and truly means it.

 

Shelby opens her mouth to speak, but the words cease when Toni holds up a lone finger to stop her. Toni continues, “I know you love me, Shelby. I have never doubted that, but you have to love yourself too.”

 

The comment hits a cord deep within her and Shelby knows that Toni is entirely right. She is about to open her mouth again to agree, or plead until Toni stands up off the mattress. The brunette wordlessly meets Shelby in the middle of the room, gingerly reaching her arms out. Shelby remains silent, might even be holding her breath, for she’s afraid to say anything that might stop Toni from coming closer to her. 

 

She runs her hand down Shelby’s arms, stroking softly before pulling Shelby into a hug. Shelby almost lets out a sob from her touch alone. From her smell to her skin to the comfort of her steady embrace, Shelby would give anything up for this. The feeling of coming home.

 

“I’m sorry,” Shelby says one last time.

 

“Thank you,” Toni strokes her back, “I forgive you.” Shelby squeezes her eyes shut for a moment, finally letting the tears fall.

 

“Can I have a kiss?”

 

Toni immediately turns her head at Shelby’s request and kisses her chastely. Once. Twice. Three times. She then holds Shelby’s head in between her hands as preciously as she held the letter when she first walked in. 

 

“I’m still proud of you. No matter what, I’m still proud that you did it and I’m glad to have been there with you.” Toni leans forward to lean her forehead against Shelby’s.

 

Despite everything, Toni does not regret it. Shelby wraps her arms around Toni’s neck and breathes her in. She thanks whatever god she doesn't think she believes in for creating this woman and for miraculously placing her into Shelby’s life. 

 

Toni had implied that there was a realm of possibility in which they might have not made it.

 

“I can’t lose you,” Shelby whispers. There is a pang to her chest, as she lets out an unexpected sob. She tries to regain control, but her throat closes up and it’s hard to stop herself from shaking.

 

One second to the next, Toni is also crying and they’re both wiping tears from one another’s faces. The anger and subsequent fear of almost losing each other gives way to the sadness of that possibility. They let themselves cry together, to recover together, and don’t feel silly about it at all. It’s a long few minutes of Toni’s tears falling onto Shelby’s neck, while Shelby gently, soothingly, scratches Toni’s scalp. It’s quiet except for the occasional sob paired with the faint noise of Fatin watching television in the living room.

 

By the time they pull away, Shelby is swaying on her feet. Toni’s eyes are bloodshot and puffy, so Shelby kisses on and around each eyelid, peppering the swollen area with her lips. Tonight, she will dote on Toni incessantly.

 

“I haven't showered yet, clearly.” Toni gestures to the clothes she’s been wearing all day. “Can we shower together?”

 

Shelby’s skin is practically still pruned from her long bath earlier, but she’d never say no, so she grabs a fresh towel for Toni and makes sure the water is warm by the time they step into the shower.

 

Shelby washes Toni’s hair, gently massaging her scalp how Shelby knows she likes it. When she rinses the shampoo from Toni’s hair, Shelby fondly washes off the suds that trickle down Toni’s skin. And it’s while they hold each other under the spray of the hot water, Toni leaving the occasional kiss across Shelby’s neck and shoulders, that the tension slowly dissipates. A string pulled tightly, taut with emotion, loosens with time.

 

They wash themselves clean of uncertainty and fear. Forgiveness and understanding and restoration laced in every kiss and caress. 

 

“I liked all those things you said in the letter. About us,” Toni says, away from the spray of the water. A gentle smile tugs at her lips.

 

She can’t see herself with anyone else, ever again, and she wants Toni forever if she’ll have her. 

 

“Do you feel the same? About what I said?”

 

“Of course I do,” she moves a strand of wet hair stuck to the side of Shelby’s face. “It was what I already felt in my heart. I was secretly happy and it took everything in me to remind myself that I was supposed to be mad at you. Hearing you apologize again in person was just an extra little dose of punishment,” Toni winks. Shelby rolls her eyes, but can’t help the smile that takes over her face. 

 

“So you really want me?” Toni continues. She doesn't have to say forever for Shelby to know what she means. The warmth is finally back in Toni’s eyes and Shelby can hear the playfulness in her voice.

 

“I want you. All of you and more.”

 

“More?” Toni asks, raising an eyebrow. Shelby hums in agreement.

 

“You want more, as in up the ass kinda more?”

 

“Oh my God. That’s not what I meant, Toni.”

 

“I’m willing to try more stuff, you know, sexually. If that’s what you want.”

 

Shelby turns to shut the water off behind them. “I want no part of this vulgarity.”

 

Toni gives Shelby a little tap on her ass, as she steps out of the tub.

 

“Don’t pretend like you're not a little freak.”

 

“I am the portrait of innocence and grace,” Shelby says with faux offense, keeping up their little ruse.

 

“And delusion, apparently.”

 

Shelby bites down on her lip as she hands Toni her towel. Falling back into step is nearly effortless— it always has been with them. Nevertheless, Shelby can feel a certain shift within herself, within them. Perhaps by writing that letter, in truly laying it all out on the line, Shelby set a catalyst into motion; a change for the better.

 

…

 

Shelby feels the coat of armor she’d spent so long carefully encasing herself within withering away. A few days after the recent events with Toni at her family’s home, Shelby feels entirely settled. Solid. It’s as if there are no more pretenses or doubts between her and Toni. Shelby sees, clearly and vibrantly, that Toni accepts her for who she is and does not tolerate it, but loves her because of it. Shelby feels a constant violent desire for Toni— not physically, but for Toni in her entirety. Proving her worth becomes Shelby’s fixation. She vows to herself in secrecy to be the woman Toni deserves— strong, kind, and unselfish.

 

After the intense filming schedule of her last movie, Toni has taken a brief break from working. But in the stillness between now and when the press for the film begins, Shelby and Toni are light and airy. During the week, there’s a newfound energy in their work together and Shelby has never enjoyed dressing Toni so much. She is fueled with endless creativity, making preparatory mood boards and ordering early samples for Toni’s upcoming press tour, which is sure to be a whirlwind. A catapult into another level of stardom if Rachel’s predictions are correct.

 

Now, while Shelby finishes up at a meeting with one of her lesser involved clients, she feels her phone incessantly ding with a barrage of messages. Unlocking her phone, Shelby can hardly believe it— photos and videos of a house paired with lots and lots of exclamation points.

 

Shockingly, from the looks of it, Shelby gathers that Toni’s actually found a house she likes. No, according to one message, is actually “fucking obsessed!!!!!!!!!” with. Being that Shelby isn't there with her, Toni’s resorts to asking what she thinks of it over text.

 

There’s nothing not to love.

 

From what she can tell from the photos, the house sits on a huge property nestled in the hills, secluded with panoramic canyon views. The surrounding yard is lush and the best way to describe the house would be as a modern cottage. Ivy runs along the outside of the home and while the property is vast, the house is small in comparison. The structure is cozy and approachable, yet impressive. Inside, the space is sleek with tall beamed ceilings and floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the backyard.

 

Shelby swipes through the photos with a proud smile on her face. It’s Toni’s future home. Shelby can feel it. The house reflects Toni’s charm and individuality, and she simply must have it.

 

Her phone vibrates with a call from Toni.

 

“Did you look at the photos? And videos?” Toni immediately asks. There’s an urgency to her voice.

 

“Yes, I did. Welcome home, baby,” Shelby smiles wider into the phone, which is tucked in between her ear and shoulder, as she gathers up all her material from the meeting so she can head back home.

 

Toni shrieks on the other end. “I know it’s perfect. It’s literally perfect. I think I’m going to put in an offer. I should do it, right? Right?!”

 

Shelby agrees that she should and they agree to meet up later once Toni is settled and gets everything in order.

 

Stuck in gridlocked LA traffic, Shelby cannot help her mind from wandering. Dreamscapes of helping Toni decorate her new home, cooking together in the new kitchen, cuddling together on the couch after work, making love in the mornings passionately, gently, sometimes roughly, or tiredly— the whole range of it, Shelby wants it.

 

Shelby cannot contain the joy she feels for Toni. Her heart swells with pride over the accomplishment and wants Toni to have everything she’s ever wanted; from the home of her absolute dreams all the way down to how she takes her coffee. And while Shelby will be happy with half a drawer in her dresser, she hopes for more. She hopes for cherished memories, shared holidays, and an invitation to weave herself within the home itself; a perfect blend of each of them to reflect the current direction of their lives: together.

 

The thought keeps Shelby company on her way home and, somehow, the usually unbearable traffic is slightly less so, as the cars cutting her off fade into the background, she’s too giddy to care.

 

Once she eventually makes it home with time to kill until Toni finishes up with her realtor, Shelby plans out their evening. The details of their night come together concisely and flawlessly. She will head over to Toni’s apartment and immediately prepare celebratory martinis—gin, straight up with a twist; the straightest thing about them is their shared preference for martinis. Followed by a titillating buzz from exactly two martinis each (martinis are like tits, one is not enough, and three is too many), takeout from their favorite Indian place, and an orgasm or two. It’s the perfect night if Shelby does say so herself.

 

There is one thing she needs to do before she can execute her plans. 

In the spirit of closing old chapters, repenting, and forging anew, Shelby has spent the last few days mulling over how she can make things right from her past.

 

Writing Toni that letter was cathartic and restorative, it guided thoughts and feelings to the surface that otherwise might have stayed buried in the confines of Shelby’s tightly wound armor. With this newfound discovery of how freeing it can be, Shelby learned that being alone with a pen and paper is the easiest way for her to open up and publish an honest outpouring without judgment. The letter to Toni was a gateway to a kind of breakthrough, one Shelby did not know was even necessary before that very moment.

 

Entering this new chapter, Shelby made a promise to both Toni and herself that she would fight for herself, for them, and for their future. For the life she wants and the one Toni deserves.

 

Toni knows that Shelby has inflicted pain on others. Shelby confessed at length that she’s run away, and abandoned, past lovers because of her own deep-seated issues. Because of her young adulthood—her father’s hatred of who she was at such a young, important, impressionable age— Shelby acknowledges that she in turn became afraid of letting people get too close, too personal, for fear that they’ll also hate what they see. That was until Toni. The person who makes Shelby feel loved so implicitly, so wholly.

 

There is still one experience that Shelby alluded to Toni, but she could not share it in detail. Not in the letter, no, this was a conversation to have in person, in each other’s arms, and in the safety of her closeness. She needs to tell Toni and be able to see her face and be there to receive her genuine reaction. She deserves to feel Toni’s anger, the full scope of her reactions, and wipe her tears away, if there are any. But, Shelby is ready for that conversation and all that comes with it.

 

The one thing from Shelby’s past that still plagues her is what she did to Becca.

 

To this day, it is the only instance in which Shelby has truly broken someone’s trust without feeling or sympathy. A betrayal that lingered. That festered into such lasting guilt that Shelby almost did not move back to California because of it.

 

So, Shelby writes another letter. This time, it’s not for Toni, but for Becca. It is not as lengthy as Toni’s letter had been, but instead it takes up half a page. 

 

Becca,

 

You are probably surprised to be reading this, just like I’m surprised to have grown the balls to write it. I know this apology is too late and I do not expect you to forgive me. But, I’m sorry. Years later, I’m still sorry for everything.

 

You were always pure goodness. I wasn’t ready for it. I betrayed you in a horrendous way and then disappeared. Please know it was never about you. I was damaged and miserable and ungrateful. There is no excuse. Also, I apologize if by writing this, I bring up any unwanted memories. I guess I still had one more selfish act in me. 

 

Wishing you nothing but true happiness. 

 

All the best,

S.G.

 

Shelby stuffs the folded-up piece of paper into an envelope she managed to find in a cluttered drawer in the kitchen, scribbling the last address she remembers Becca having onto the front while omitting a return address. She doesn't care if Becca doesn't live there anymore because it’s the sendoff, the act of writing and purging, that gives Shelby the grace to move on. Maybe it finds its way to her, maybe it doesn't. But, it’s like coming up for air from a roaring, clouded body of water. An ocean deep and tumultuous which Shelby had found herself drowning, flailing in, for a long, long time. With that, She grants the awaited forgiveness to her younger, broken self.

 

Later, when she’s on her way to Toni’s apartment, Shelby deposits the letter into a mailbox and she feels uninhibited peace.

Notes:

Thank you all so much for your continued support :) I missed all of you and missed this story. Let me know what you predict for the rest of the story- teehee.

Chapter 17

Notes:

this is me apologizing in advance

Toni’s offer on the house was accepted and it’s an irrevocably happy time, brimming with the excitement of change and the possibility of the unknown. Shelby still hasn't seen the new house. For now, she is forced to wait until Toni officially closes on the house and has the keys, so until then, Shelby waits with barely containable anticipation. Soon, she’ll finally be able to see it hand-in-hand with Toni.

 

In the waiting game, before Toni officially closes on the house, Shelby helps her pack up her apartment bit by bit. She helps Toni wrap trinkets, glasses, and vases in bubbly plastic wrap; place treasured objects into cardboard boxes; clean out old clothing that Toni no longer needs. Together, they pack all the little things they can before the house is officially Toni’s and the movers can take the bigger pieces of furniture. Stacks of boxes are littered throughout the small space and the girls have to maneuver through a maze of unfinished boxes, traces of bubble wrap, and yet-to-be-packed objects.

 

Shelby holds up the sleeve to a record by an artist Shelby knows Toni doesn't even like. “Do you really need this? You don’t even own a record player.” 

 

Toni has a particularly hard time purging her things. Shelby, oppositely, can throw most things away without remorse.

 

“Yes, I do,” Toni walks over and sassily snatches it from Shelby’s hands, stalking back over to her occupied spot across the living room, “That album was playing in the background when I booked my first-ever role, thank you very much,” Toni says pointedly.

 

Shelby lifts her hands in surrender, “Okay, okay… But, I have to say, I’ve never met someone so emotionally attached to things,” Shelby gestures towards the endless amount of shit scattered across the room.

 

“Says the girl who owns more clothes than anyone I’ve ever met. I’ve seen shopping malls emptier than your closet,” Toni accuses.

 

“Touché.”

 

Shelby spies a little box in the corner of the room discreetly tucked into Toni’s now half-empty bookshelf. She walks towards it and lifts it off the shelf, humming curiously to herself before asking out loud, “What is this?”

 

Toni looks up from the pile she’s sorting through, squinting in Shelby’s direction before her eyes fill with recognition. The corner of her mouth tilts up, ever so slightly.

 

“Open it,” Toni says gently, sitting back on her knees, as she watches Shelby open the small decorative box.

 

The objects within the box are instantly familiar. Movie tickets, restaurant matchbooks, polaroid photos— all memories with Shelby. It’s sappy and nostalgic, and the thought of Toni keeping a collection of memories over the course of their love story wrecks Shelby in the best way possible. The whole thing is adorable and endearing, not to mention incredibly romantic. It reminds Shelby of young love.

 

She looks back toward Toni, dotingly peering up through her lashes, “Forget what I said about your emotional attachments. Now this is very, very important stuff right here.” Shelby shakes the box for emphasis.

 

Still squatting down in her spot on the floor, Toni laughs, “Oh, so you like when I keep things that have to do with you, huh? Typical. It’s Shelby’s world and we’re all just living in it,” Toni clicks her tongue.

 

Shelby’s jaw drops in offense, shutting the box, “Toni! How could you say such mean things to the woman you love?”

 

“If you’re really so unselfish, you’re gonna need to prove it,” Toni chides. Toni’s eyes roam up and down her body, and in turn, the energy in the room shifts ever so slightly.

 

“Prove it?” Shelby squints, vaguely guessing where this is going.

 

Toni hums, indifferently, “On your knees, preferably.” 

 

There’s no-nonsense in her voice, in fact, it’s rather presumptuous, like she knows Shelby will basically do anything she asks her to do, anyway. Which is really fucking hot and as much as Shelby loves their push and pull, playing coy and teasing, that’s not what she wants now. Right now, she wants to be told exactly what to do and do it well, so that Toni can tell her how good she is at doing, you know, the things. 

 

Shelby’s core immediately heats. She places the box back on the shelf and drops down onto her knees, quickly and unflinchingly. She might've been embarrassed if she wasn’t such a slut.

 

Toni doesn't have to tell her what she wants for Shelby to instinctively crawl to where Toni is. Keeping her eyes directly on Shelby, blinking slowly once, twice, she watches Shelby crawl on her hands and knees over to her. Shelby takes her time, slightly swaying her hips back and forth for emphasis. 

 

When Shelby reaches Toni, she catches her lip in between her teeth and tries to keep her rapid heartbeat under control in hopes that Toni can’t hear it beating out of her chest. She remains in position on all fours, waiting for Toni’s call on how this is going to go down.

 

Toni leaves Shelby how she is, instead taking it upon herself to stand up and peel off her own pants. Toni swiftly kicks them off to the side and proceeds to pull her shirt up and over her head, taking her sports bra quickly off with it. And while the view is nice, Shelby is dying, which she assumes was Toni’s plan all along. Forcing her to watch Toni undress herself, as she waits for permission to act— to move. Shelby's eyes cast downward from Toni’s top half and now look directly in front of her, where Shelby can see the exact effect their little foreplay has had on Toni. Shelby can’t blame her, she’s wet too.

 

From their positions, Shelby assumes she’s going to be devouring Toni just like this, with Toni standing and Shelby looking up at her from down below. Which Shelby’s entirely down for, already aching to use her mouth. But, Toni always manages to surprise her in the absolute best way possible. Instead of guiding Shelby’s head forward as expected, Toni drops back down onto the floor and gets on her back to, quite literally, slide underneath Shelby. While Shelby can’t see her face, she feels a tug at her leggings by her waist and gets the hint. She momentarily gets up, needing her hands to get her bottoms off, and quickly discards her pants in a pile on top of Toni’s on the floor.

 

Returning to her position on all fours is easy, as Toni can hardly wait to tug her hips back down, this time right onto her face. Shelby moans at the first feeling of Toni’s mouth on her, going straight for her throbbing center. It feels so good, the way Toni goes right in. Shelby leans forward, over Toni’s body, to return the favor, burrowing her head in between Toni’s already spread-open thighs. She moans again when she tastes Toni against her tongue, immediately swallowing the taste because she’s an obsessed mess and, like Toni said, selfish. They act out Shelby’s favorite number on the floor, but she makes sure that Toni comes first because she has a point to prove. She falls apart shortly after, still on top with Toni’s fingers pumping in and out of her.

 

And because she’s been there and knows that the compromising position is a sure way for Toni’s arm to cramp up, Shelby uses the last of her energy to get up and off of Toni, the brunette’s fingers sliding out with the motion. Shelby settles next to Toni and into her open and awaiting arm, nuzzling her nose against Toni’s neck. 

 

“I love you,” Shelby sighs, pressing a singular kiss into Toni’s sweaty neck. Toni kisses the top of her head, “I love you, too.”

 

Both panting heavily, they lay silently on the hardwood floor to catch their breath amidst a mess of cardboard boxes and bubble wrap.

 

Later on, in the warmth and safety of Toni’s bed, post pillow talk and bidding each other sweet goodnights, Shelby falls asleep with Toni in her arms.

 

Shelby has no idea that tomorrow will be the worst day of her life.

 

…

 

Shelby wakes up to the smell of coffee and the sound of a voice whispering hastily downstairs. 

 

From where she lies in Toni’s bed in the upstairs loft, she cannot make out the murmured words, just the hurried whispers of Toni’s voice. Her tone is incongruous with the calm morning air and the gentle sunlight streaming in through the windows.

 

Toni did not mentioned anything to her about having a phone call this morning, so Shelby is not quite sure what it’s all about. But, assuming it’s a business call, Shelby waits upstairs in order to grant Toni her privacy. As the call continues for minutes longer, Shelby still lying in bed with her eyes closed, she notes the slightest hint of panic in Toni’s voice. It stirs her fully awake and Shelby debates whether or not she should head downstairs to check on Toni and make sure everything is alright, but just as soon as she decides to get up from the bed, she hears Toni say goodbye and the harsh slam of something hitting a surface. Her phone coming down onto a table, Shelby presumes.

 

Toni’s footsteps drag and Shelby can hear her making her way over to the stairs leading up to the bedroom, hopefully with a cup of coffee for Shelby.

 

Shelby can sense the worry in her own expression when she sees Toni at the top of the stairs looking like she’s seen a ghost. Her hands are empty, no coffee for Shelby in sight.

 

Shelby sits up, clutching the sheets to her chest, as she asks, “What’s wrong?” 

 

Toni’s face is unreadable like she’s half in a daze. She stands frozen to the spot where she is, not moving an inch closer, and chews nervously on her lip to the point where it looks painful. Shelby raises an eyebrow, prompting her to answer, but Toni stays so very still.

 

“Babe. Seriously, you’re scaring me,” Shelby encourages.

 

Something about what Shelby says slightly snaps Toni out of her stupor; she gains some recognition back in her eyes and the slightest bit of warmth comes back to Toni’s face.

 

“I… I don’t know. I— don’t know what’s going on,” Toni drags her hand messily through her hair.

 

“What are you talking about? What is it?” Shelby demands and almost laughs nervously because she really is so confused.

 

“You’re going to have to tell me, Shelby,” Toni looks down at her empty hands, like she’s just remembering something, and looks up, blinking once before continuing, “I... I need my phone. One sec.”

 

Toni turns on her heels and goes back downstairs to get what Shelby guesses is her phone. She has never been more fucking lost in her life, but when Toni comes back up, phone in hand, she gingerly takes a seat on the edge of Shelby’s side of the bed.

 

Toni eyes her hesitantly, “That was Rachel on the phone. A story was published earlier this morning and it’s… it’s insane and it’s all about you, and it says… says some horrible, nasty things. Some girl went to the press, sold the story, and now Insider went live with it. She’s an actress, apparently. I’ve never heard of her, but her name is Becca Gilroy, she—” Shelby snatches the phone out of Toni’s hand.

Secret’s Out: Toni Shalifoe’s Stylist & Girlfriend, Shelby Goodkind, Is a Cheater!

 

Shelby Goodkind has some skeletons in her closet. It seems like the stylist has quite a storied past, which is now being revealed exclusively to Insider! Shelby Goodkind is best known for her romance with actress Toni Shalifoe, who she has been linked with since last year when the pair began working together.

 

But, Shalifoe is not the only actress Goodkind has been romantically involved with. Up-and-coming actress Becca Gilroy reveals that she has a long and messy history with the stylist. According to Gilroy, the two dated when they were just teenagers. As longtime family friends, their close friendship eventually developed into something more, which was kept a secret due to their family’s strict religious views. 

 

“Shelby was my first girlfriend. Our families were very involved in the church and we would have been thrown out for coming out as gay. So, we kept our relationship private, which Shelby struggled with— she was never good at being contained,” Becca reveals exclusively to Insider.

 

“Shelby was wild back then. I was more of the shy, bookworm type. It was normal for Shelby to sneak out and go party with her friends all over LA while I stayed home. One day, I went the whole day without hearing from her. It was nighttime and her phone kept going to voicemail. I freaked out and drove all over town looking for her until I got the address to a party across town.

 

“I found Shelby there. It was an older crowd, nobody we knew from school was there, and when I walked into one of the bedrooms, she was in the middle of hooking up with not one, but two other women. It was disgusting, how sloppy and out of it she was. I doubt she even remembered her own name. I could tell she’d been crying because there was mascara running all down her face, but I couldn't feel bad for her even if I tried. 

 

“I was humiliated when I stood there trying to get her attention. She didn't even recognize me at first, but when she did, she laughed. She laughed until she looked angry and told me that I meant nothing to her and that I never would. She said we’d never be anything real because that didn't happen for people like her. She yelled at me to get the hell out and never came after me. I heard she moved to New York the very next day. I didn't hear from her again until recently when she sent me a letter trying to apologize. What a bitch.”

 

Insider magazine contacted Goodkind’s previous employer, Rose magazine, for a quote on Shelby’s moral character, but the Editor in Chief insisted had nothing negative to say about Shelby’s professionalism and had not heard from Shelby since she was fired almost a year ago.

 

While the stylist’s current relationship with her movie star client seems stable, this news is sure to cause a rift.

 

…

 

Shelby can’t read the rest of the article over the rolling wave of nausea in her stomach. She thinks she hears Toni talking because her rasped, familiar voice rises above the ringing in her ears. Shelby feels like she may throw up.

 

Or faint. Or drop dead.

 

She hears Toni speak. “Tell me every word of it is a lie and I’ll make it go away.” 

 

Toni’s eyes have a fire lit from within. But, there’s a dwindling hope there, which Toni is desperately clinging to depending on Shelby’s answer. Shelby looks at Toni but says nothing. Can’t say anything at all.

 

“Shelby, please. Tell me none of it is true. Tell me she’s lying and that it’s all bullshit. I’ll take care of it and everything will be okay.” 

 

Another pause filled with breathing and attempting to get the nausea under control.

 

“Please Shelby,” Toni’s voice breaks, “Say it.”

 

Shelby breaks all the same when she answers, so faintly that it’s possible Toni won’t hear it. “It’s true.”

 

Now Toni is the one who looks sick, as her face crumples into what Shelby can only describe as despair, and she leans forward, elbows on her knees with her head held in both hands. The words get stuck in Shelby’s throat, as a tense and painful silence fills the space in between them. She can’t see Toni’s face with how she’s hunched over, but she doesn't dare reach out an arm to touch her somewhere, anywhere.

 

Shelby can hardly process the next words, cold and unrecognizable as they are. 

 

“You’re a fucking liar.”

 

“What?” Shelby blurts out instinctively and small.

 

“You’re a fucking liar,” Toni shakes her head, still looking down. “I don’t want to know what else you've lied to me about.”

 

“Toni, listen. Please, I—” Toni abruptly stands up from the bed and her hands go straight onto her hips defensively. From Shelby’s place on the bed, Toni towers over her, and when she remembers she’s naked under the covers, she feels more exposed than she ever has in her life. 

 

“I trusted you. With my life, I trusted you, and you… you shit all over it! I asked if you’ve ever cheated on someone and you lied. You said there’d be no more secrets between us and you fucking lied, Shelby. You even fucking lied about getting fired from your last job. What the fuck is wrong with you,” Toni shouts, and Shelby can see that she’s shaking, as she begins to pace the room.

 

Shelby gawks, stupidly, and feels her face heat up, but she pushes through— needs to explain.

 

“Toni, please. You have to know I was terrified of losing you, and at the start, of you wanting nothing to do with me. But, I was going to tell you everything about Becca after I wrote you the letter. I swear on my life, I was ready to explain everything. I just... hadn’t yet.”

 

“And now the whole world knows about it,” Toni continues pacing. “How could you do that to someone, Shelby? Were you just that big of a whore, you went around, like, having fucking orgies while your poor nerdy girlfriend waited at home for you? Were you too drunk to remember what happened or just too much of a fucking coward to not own up to it?!”

 

Shelby stands up, needing to move and, more urgently, cover up— she feels exposed to the bone. She pushes past Toni and grabs a discarded sweater off the back of Toni’s chair, not caring whose it is, and pulls it on quickly. 

 

She swallows the lump in her throat, making sure Toni’s looking into her eyes as she explains, “Toni, you have to understand I was broken . Earlier that day, I found paperwork in my dad’s office confirming that I was going to a conversation therapy camp. He let me believe I was leaving for college in a few days, but he was really going to drop me off there instead. But I found out and we got into a huge fight. After that, I ran away, went to a party, and needed to just lose myself. I got fucked up because I wanted to forget my own name, I wanted to forget who I was.

 

“Yes, I cheated on Becca because the whole situation was so fucked up and she didn’t need to be dragged into my mess. In some way, I needed to prove to myself that it didn't mean anything. If it didn't mean anything, then it couldn't hurt me. So, I fucked as many women as I could because then his words, the therapy, the whole fucked up situation couldn’t hurt me— he couldn’t hurt if there was nothing for him to take away in the first place. I asked Fatin to go to my house and get whatever she could grab in the middle of the night. The next day, I dropped out of college, got on a flight to New York, and never looked back.”

 

She finishes with tears streaming down her face, but the saddest thing of all is that when she looks for a sign of sympathy, of warmth, in Toni’s gaze, she finds none.

 

“You should have told me this when I asked— months ago, Shelby. You had every chance to tell me. The only reason you’re fessing up now is because you were caught. You shouldn't have promised me there’d be no more secrets if you were still keeping so many from me.”

 

Shelby wishes she could touch her, comfort her, and do anything to pull them back into each other. With her touch, she can remind Toni of who she is and of what they have.

 

“I’m so sorry, Toni. Please, tell me what to do. What can I do to make this right?”

 

Toni’s shoulders sag, going from angry to defeated within a single breath.

 

“I don’t know, Shelby. I— I don’t think there’s anything you can do right now,” Toni rubs her face, “You were never going to tell me, were you?”

 

“Toni, I was. I fucking swear, I was going to tell you. I was going to tell you everything and let you be mad at me and hold you once you forgave me.” At that, Toni scoffs, tilting her head up to the ceiling, as stares distantly at the spackled roof, just breathing in and out.

 

“Please Toni, look at me.” Toni does. She looks at Shelby until Shelby feels naked again, utterly exposed.

 

“This isn't going to work, Shelby,” Toni says, her voice a raspy, gravelly whisper. 

 

Shelby doesn't understand the words.

 

She starts slowly, “Okay, that’s fine. Just tell me when you’re ready to talk and we’ll figure this out. I’ll come back once you’re ready and everything will be okay.” Shelby feels pathetic for giving Toni a watery smile, but she fakes it, so Toni’ll believe she isn't falling apart right now and coming apart at the seams. She’ll stay strong for both of them, for their future.

 

“Shelby, no,” Toni shuts her eyes tightly, tears leaking from her eyes too. “I grew up with people lying and manipulating and leaving me, and I can’t do it again, Shelby, I really can’t fucking do it again. I can’t… I can’t be with you. Not anymore, not after this.”

 

Shelby says the words she never guessed in a million years would be coming out of her mouth, “Are we breaking up?”

 

Toni’s crying now, not bothering to wipe her face when she nods. It’s like she can’t bear to say the words herself. The guttural sob that leaves Shelby feels unnatural, it aches. The pang in her chest is sharp, as she realizes how this is going to end. 

 

“No, no, no,” Shelby pleads. “Toni, no. No—” Shelby can’t help but walk towards her. “This isn't right, this isn't how it’s supposed to go— please, Toni, no.” She doesn't know when she fell to her knees; she cannot remember when she grasped at Toni’s leg, head bowed, begging her not to do this. Last night, she was in such a similar position, on her hands and knees for Toni. But, this time, there will be no happy ending for either of them.

 

“Toni, I love you so much. I love you more than anything,” Shelby sobs again. She can feel Toni crying with her from the way her body shakes, but when Shelby looks up from the floor, she sees Toni wiping her face, willing the tears to go away.

 

She wants to yell at Toni that there will never be anyone as good for her as Shelby is and that she is throwing away the best thing either of them will ever experience. She wants to scream that it was never a lie when she said “forever.” She wants to shout about how this is something they can work through. She wants to yell, bawl, kick, and scream, but more than anything, she needs to make her understand this is a mistake.

 

But how can she explain to Toni that she’s the love of Shelby’s life when that’s not who Toni wants to be anymore?

 

Shelby feels herself being pulled up from the ground. Toni’s hands are steadily, strongly, guiding her up from underneath her arms. Her hands reach up to Shelby’s face, wiping away the tears splattered across her face like she’s saving Shelby from further humiliation. Her thumb lingers on Shelby’s cheekbone and Shelby lets herself focus in on that touch, the small comfort that Toni allows.

 

“I’m sorry, Shelby.” Toni’s lip quivers, “I think it’s best if I go. And when I come back, maybe you shouldn't be here.”

 

Feeling Toni’s hand drop from her face, and watching her leave, are some of the worst moments of Shelby's life. Even worse than what happened to Shelby in the story she shared mere minutes ago.

 

It is a long time before Shelby can gather the strength to move, as she blankly stares at the imprint of her body on Toni’s unmade bed.

Notes:

You didn't think I'd let them be happy forever, did you?!

Chapter 18

Your genoise sponge has completely crumbled. It seems you’ve overmixed the batter, causing the cake to dry out.

 

Shelby nods in agreement, awakening the dull ache in her neck. Her head hasn't left the pillow in over a day.

 

Overall, the design is a mess and should have been a bit neater all around.

 

Shelby looks at the dilapidated cake on her television screen only to be reminded that she hasn't eaten in two days, no more than a few bites in three.

 

I’m a bit disappointed in your cake. I’d say you’re at risk for elimination.

 

Shelby grunts approvingly. It’s the first sound she’s made in four days.

 

A lingering headache came on hours, maybe days, ago with a stinging pressure behind her eyes. The bright light from the television is searing straight into her brain and, while the pounding thud is agonizing, she can’t find it in herself to turn it off. As long as the reality baking competition plays, she forgets. As long as the sound of British bakers getting wholesomely critiqued for their cakes, caramels, and meringues echoes through her room, then Shelby doesn't think about it or anything at all, really. Not thinking is good, not feeling is best.

 

The only thing she feels is an occasional, outrageous jealousy. Jealousy towards the sourdough loaves that get shoved into proving drawers to rest, expand, and rise to the perfect consistency. Every time those stupid little loaves get shoved into their warm drawer, Shelby has the visceral desire to crawl in right beside them. The first time she thought this, she briefly considered checking into a psych ward because no, that’s not fucking normal, Shelby. Her bed isn’t a proving drawer and no matter how long she lays in it, she’ll never come out whole again. She thinks she’s less crazy each time that realization sinks in. But, as long as the show plays and the bakers bake, she doesn't remember the reason she’s in this bed and not in another one.

 

She’s watched five seasons of the baking competition show in five days, which is how long she’s been locked in her room. When she's not drowning out her thoughts with television, she’s drowning them out with sleep. Sleep is even better than television because when she sleeps, she feels like she’s dead. Except Shelby knows she isn't dead because the outfit for her funeral would be spectacular and she is currently naked. She cannot muster the energy to dress herself.

 

When Shelby sleeps, the headaches go away and she doesn’t get jealous of bread. She’s never been a big dreamer; her sleep is accompanied by pure, never ending darkness. Shelby has never been more thankful for anything, ever. After all, dessert-centric entertainment isn’t entertainment in the slightest— it’s just a waste of time until the darkness swallows her up again. 

 

Every so often, Fatin pokes her head in, offering food, water, or, even worse, her company.  Shelby tries to answer her, but she begins to cry each and every time. When Fatin asks anything of her, her only response is tears, tears, and more tears. The moment she hears Fatin's comforting, worried voice, Shelby’s throat closes up in tandem with the welling of her eyes, and she has to bury her face into the pillow to hide her pathetic sobs. 

 

When Shelby is alone, she doesn't cry. It is better for everyone if she’s just left alone forever to watch reality television so that she does not have to cry or speak ever again.

 

For the first couple of days, post-breakup, Shelby checked her phone approximately five hundred thousand times a day. Just a tap on the screen to check for new messages, to see if she texted. A final goodbye. A plea to forgive and move on. A venomous assault. Shelby received no such messages and eventually put her phone inside a dresser drawer under a pile of socks.

 

Shelby can’t think about what happened. She can’t think of Toni. She can’t think about anything. All her current and future happiness disintegrated in a matter of minutes, but all the very real hopes and dreams she’d created over the course of a year had nowhere to go. The dreams, the plans, don’t just disappear magically. Before, such thoughts lived in a safe place inside Shelby’s brain dedicated to wishes and dreams. An incubation room to rest before they’d hypothetically come true one day. A land of romance and fairy tales is now a graveyard. 

 

The memories. All the memories are the most painful part. Because while those plans for the future never happened, the love felt and the memories shared very much did. All the love, all the hope, does not just die. It has nowhere to go. If Shelby could crawl inside her own brain and live inside her memories, she would. She’d bask in the pure bliss and love of her broken relationship and replay it all over and over again from start to finish. She’d do everything differently, but also wouldn't and drive herself crazy in the process. For that reason, she does not allow herself to think about it. If she did, she’d never leave the comfort of those memories and knows she’d continue shattering more than she already has.

 

Because she is thoroughly shattered.

For every breath she takes, she misses Toni. She misses her with every bone in her hungry, thirsty, bedbound body. She grieves for all the time she will not have with her. It is all her own damn fault.

 

On the sixth day of Shelby’s self-induced solitary confinement, Fatin bursts in, nearly taking the door hinges off with her. “I, in good conscience, cannot let you rot away like this,” Fatin yells. 

 

Over the last week, Fatin has treated Shelby like a dying, diseased kitten. But now, standing in the doorway of Shelby’s dark bedroom, there is only exasperated determination. Her wide-legged stance mirrors a school teacher about to lecture her class for bad behavior.

 

“We don’t have to talk,” Fatin rolls her shoulders back, standing tall, while looking down at Shelby’s bedridden fetal position. “But, you need to leave this room right now. Get the fuck up.”

 

Shelby blinks up at her, but is actually starving, so she lets Fatin aggressively tear the covers off her naked body and doesn't fight when she’s dragged off the mattress with a painful tug. 

 

Fatin drags her towards the living room and onto the couch. Moments later, bits of clothing are hurtled onto Shelby’s lap. Shelby stares down at them, afraid to touch, smell, or recognize them. It’s only a few seconds before she realizes they are Fatin’s clothes, which means they are safe. Shelby feels Fatin’s harsh stare as she manages to tug the hoodie over her unbrushed hair before pulling on the soft cotton shorts, saving the couch from her bare naked ass. Shelby looks up at her best friend.

 

“Hi,” Shelby resigns. She sounds like she’s just woken up from a coma.

 

“Hi,” Fatin repeats back. She sounds relieved, less aggressive than before, and like she’s glad Shelby isn’t violently crying anymore. Fatin opens her mouth, but hesitates and holds a finger up. She leaves the room before coming back with a fast food bag littered with grease stains just to drop it down on Shelby’s lap like she did with the clothing.

 

Shelby’s stomach growls, “Thank you.” 

 

She immediately rummages through the bag, stuffing fries in her face before anything else. 

 

“Did you have fun starving yourself?”

 

“I was intermittent fasting,” Shelby croaks. “Everyone’s doing it.”

 

“Oh, look. She made a joke. I’m glad you have somewhat of a personality again,” Fatin says, watching Shelby shove a cheeseburger down her throat, practically inhaling it whole.

 

The two girls sit in silence while Shelby eats. Everything Fatin ordered, Shelby eats without taking a second look, and as the fast food bag empties, her weeklong headache dies down too. The second Shelby finishes and places the empty bag down onto the carpeted floor, Fatin leans over and crushes Shelby in her arms, hugging her tight.

 

Shelby counts to three, exhaling, and wills herself not to cry. Fatin has seen too many of her tears and does not deserve to be met with sobs anymore. Tears prick at her eyes, but she blinks them away slowly, nuzzling her head into Fatin’s neck. She holds Fatin tight, breathing slowly in and out.

 

“I’m sorry,” Shelby whispers into Fatin’s neck. Fatin pulls back, gripping Shelby by her shoulders and assessing her.

 

“You have nothing to apologize for. I— I know what happened and I don’t love you any less for it. This is painful and you’re probably feeling like this is the end of the world. But, you’re going to get through this. It will be really hard and you might not want to hear this right now, but with time, you’ll start to feel like yourself again.”

 

“I won’t,” Shelby admits, meaning it from the last ember of her barely there heart. “There’s no getting over this, Fatin. And I don’t know what ‘feeling like myself’ means anymore.” She is not the same person she was before meeting Toni.

 

Fatin sighs, “Shelby, you’re not the first person to ever go through a breakup.”

 

Shelby flinches. 

 

“And you won’t be the last,” Fatin continues. “Granted not everyone is publicly humiliated by the details that led to said breakup, which is why I gave you some extra days to rot in your depression chamber.”

 

“Thank you for that,” Shelby wants to roll her eyes but refrains from a sheer lack of energy.

 

“I don’t know how to ask if you’re okay without sounding dumb. I know you’re not ‘okay’ but do I need to put you on some twenty-four-hour watch?”

 

Shelby is starkly reminded that together, their friendship, is dependent on the love language of acts of service, as opposed to words of affirmation. Neither of them are good at this.

 

Toni loved words of affirmation. She used to tell Shelby all the doting and adoring things everyone dreams of hearing from the person they love. And Shelby would say them right back. Not a day, not a few hours, went by where they didn’t say I love you. Shelby said those words with whispered reverence and never tired of hearing them from Toni.

 

She puts a hand to her chest, rubbing at the spot, and wills her heart not to tear apart inside of her. Shelby’s never gone into cardiac arrest, so she’s not sure of the signs to look out for. 

 

“She dumped me as soon as she found out what happened. I barely got the chance to explain. I waited too long to tell her, and she decided she couldn't trust me anymore. In a second, I saw her shut me out and I knew there was no way of getting back in.”

 

Fatin winces, “And there’s no way of working it out one day? Maybe you two can talk it out when she’s ready.”

 

“That’s not how it works with Toni. She’s been hurt too many times by people she loves to let that happen. I secretly think she was expecting me to fuck her over all along,” Shelby’s voice trembles. “When she’s done, she’s done. The rules won’t bend for me.”

 

Fatin nods and Shelby can see the sadness in her eyes. Brown eyes like someone else she knows. Knew? Shelby is not sure anymore. In her eyes, there is also apprehension and she gives Shelby a once over like she’s sussing out the state of Shelby’s mental fortitude; she braces herself.

 

“I spoke to Rachel. I called her a few days ago to piece together, you know, what happened. I have some of your… stuff… that I went to pick up. It’s all in my room and it can stay there until… whenever you’re ready. And everything professional is handled. You— well, you should focus on your other clients from now on.” Fatin winces, knowing she’s just delivered Shelby a death blow. “I’m sorry.”

 

While she’s never been so delicately fired before, she’s also never been slapped in the face. She imagines this is what it feels like. She has to rub at her chest again to prevent it from physically breaking in her chest. 

 

Shelby says nothing and just lays her head down on Fatin’s lap, waiting for sleep to take her again as the tears she’d kept at bay fall relentlessly down her face.

Chapter 19

One month later, Shelby still cannot find joy in clothing. There was a time when fashion was Shelby’s therapy, and she would manipulate clothing to get anything she wanted. To escape, to find confidence, and to find herself. Playing dress-up helped Shelby understand the world. Clothing was safe and it felt like home, but it was also her art, her outlet, her creativity. Style was the one thing she managed to never mess up. She was so good at getting dressed that people paid her to do it for them. As of late, she is not doing her job very well. Everything is uninspired and the clothes she once found solace in now seem frivolous. The idea of putting perfect little clothing on perfect little bodies seems stupid. The work is all so meaningless. She’s lost her muse and it’s difficult to pretend otherwise.

Time passes at a fucking snail's pace and Shelby is still not over it. By it, she means the breakup, but she refuses to give credence to that hideous word. She remains in the trenches of her heartbreak, secretly. 

Hours will pass where Shelby is quite proud of her acting skills for the day. She will spend the day riding the coattails of her stellar performance, convincing the world of her civility. The fake smiles plaster on her face a bit easier and the small talk leaves her lonely mouth that much smoother. But, it all comes crashing down the moment she looks in the mirror. Mirrors in bathrooms, changing rooms, and hallways— screw them all. Shelby has come to hate her reflection because therein lies the truth of her sadness. She can see every emotion she pretends not to feel staring right back at her.

There seems to be a permanent depth to this heartbreak. Fatin tries to help her by offering distractions and company. She asks if Shelby wants to join Leah and her for dinner or if she wants to go shopping or try out new Pilates studios. But her best friend doesn't seem to understand that it’s no use. The only thing Shelby wants to do these days is watch baking competitions and melt into her duvet cover.

It’s like Shelby is trapped underwater and she’s trying to swim back up to the surface, except the surface does not exist, so all this treading is useless and her legs are just tired now and it’s getting really hard to breathe. She thought she knew how to swim, but this is an ocean she is not familiar with. The more time that passes without any sign of sunlight at the top, the more desperately she flails and panics for air.

To dim the lack of oxygen, Shelby works. She silently begs her old friends (silk, cotton, linen, wool) to bring any type of familiarity or inspiration. It doesn't work because lately she doesn't give a shit about her clients and she gives even less of a shit about what publications are booking her. And Shelby cannot reiterate this enough, she really does want to care about her job and she wants to be the absolute best at it. But how is that possible when she’s drowning in a sea of grief?

… 

The first time anything remotely romantic happens to Shelby is at a photoshoot for Flaunt Magazine. While the models are getting their makeup done, Shelby walks around the room to introduce herself at their individual stations and point out the clothing racks holding their designated looks. 

Shelby is quasi-friends with one of the models. Having known her since the New York days, Shelby gives her double kisses on the cheek because that’s the kind of thing these people do, and Shelby thinks it’s pretentious but also, like, hello, everything about this world is pretentious. This woman has legs up to her eyeballs, jet-black hair, and very uplifted cheekbones. Russian if Shelby remembers correctly. But she can’t exactly remember because back then, she had a hard time paying attention to people who she was not directly interested in having sex with. Oops.

“How have you been?” Shelby greets the woman while omitting her name mostly because she has no idea what it is.

“Pretty good. I’m in town for a few days if you want to grab a drink.” Definitely Russian. 

“Sure, that’d be cool,” Shelby nods, head mostly empty because what the fuck is this girl’s name, also, the photographer is late and she’s getting annoyed.

“I heard you’re single now,” Russia does this weird eyebrow wiggle thing like the perverts do in movies when they’re trying to flirt.

“Oh. I, uh, I don’t know about that.” Shelby blinks at her, probably looking like a broken windup doll or, at the very least, stupid. 

Russia laughs. “You don’t know if you’re single or you don’t know if you can get a drink?”

She swallows heavily, “I am… post-relationship.” If you want to call it that. More laughs from legs for brains, as if Shelby is just the darndest thing. 

“You’re funny. You’ve always been funny. And hot,” more eyebrow wiggling, “And now that you’re post-relationship,” Shelby does not appreciate the accompanying air quotes, “I’d like to see if you’re as good at taking off my clothes as you are putting them on.”

Oh my God. Tragic. Shelby thinks her eye twitches, but she can’t be sure because as horrified as she is by this conversation, she is also very impressed by the massive set of balls this woman has between her legs.

“I’m going to disregard the predatory nature of that comment, as I’d like to cultivate a positive working environment for everyone here today. However, yes, I have been known to be good at both dressing and undressing. Thank you so much for noticing! As tempting as your offer is, I’m not really in a great place, you know, emotionally to be having drinks with anyone at the minute. I so do appreciate the offer, but this post-relationship phase in my life has proven to be quite difficult and I can’t seem to get a grip on reality. You know how all the girls in those rom-coms sit in bed eating chocolate, crying, and yelling at the TV? Well, they didn't make that up for the sake of dramatics— that’s my life! Also, I am severely depressed. Anyway, I’m sure you can tell based on my current rambling that I’ve lost all ability to function in a normal capacity. It really is so good to see you again.”

Shelby can see the dangly thing at the back of Russia’s throat with how wide and gaping her mouth is at the minute. The petrified expression is a bit overkill, Shelby thinks.

“She needs more bronzer,” Shelby pats the makeup artist on the arm before leaving them be.

The day goes on and Shelby tries to keep quiet for the sake of everyone on set. At lunch, she manages to sit down for the first time today and give her throbbing feet a bit of respice. The Miss Z Patent Red Sole Mule Sandals by Christian Louboutin on her feet are truly evil, however gorgeous they might be. 

With the Russian model still in her line of sight, Shelby is hit with one of the worst thoughts her brain has kept at bay until now: the idea of moving on. 

It is a truly hideous thought. One that Shelby has not entertained because what the fuck? This isn't how any of it was supposed to go. Shelby was meant to have found her person and grown old with said person and spent the rest of her days laughing, crying, dancing, driving, reading, and fucking a certain somebody with mesmerizing freckles and expressive brown eyes and the softest hair Shelby’s ever ran her fingers through. Shelby had visions of them vacationing all around the world for the rest of time and growing out gray bushes because that’s what you do when you’re old, plus Shelby read that laser hair removal doesn't actually last forever, so it is bound to grow back at some point.

The idea of having sex with someone who isn't Toni is a betrayal. Not to Toni because she left, but it is a betrayal to herself. All the times she whispered to Toni, in the heat of the moment, bodies pressed against each other that she belonged to her and nobody else. That promise and commitment always did something to Toni. Shelby felt how her body would react to those words and swallowed the whimpers that left her mouth with her own. Toni did not like sharing and Shelby liked belonging to her. She liked it a lot.

And while Shelby has lied to Toni before, she has never once lied to her during those moments in bed. What a shame it would be to pretend like she still didn’t believe those words with her whole heart. As much as it hurts to live in those memories and be reminded of how much loving Toni consumed her entire life (it still does), she can’t do that to herself. The pain that sits on her chest from pretending like she does not still belong to someone who can be anywhere in the world right now, but wants nothing to do with her is crushing. 

Shelby can’t add any more pain to this sinking heartbreak that she already feels— she isn't a masochist. The only self-inflicting pain she can stomach is wearing these stupid fucking heels to an eight-hour photoshoot.

Unfortunately, breathing becomes hard at the same moment her eyes pinch because a truly horrifying thought has crash-landed on the forefront of Shelby’s mind. Shelby may not be ready to move on, but Toni might be. 

Toni could be underneath someone right now for all Shelby knows. She might have moved on with a woman whose name is probably something adorable like Willow or Clementine. Shelby immediately hates this hippie woman who is walking naked around Toni’s new house, which she never actually got to see. The house is free of any memories of Shelby, making it easier for Toni to forget her altogether. It must be so much easier for her to move on because she’s the one who ended it and she threw away the home they shared together for a newer, bigger, better one with a disgusting rat of a woman. 

Toni most likely barely thinks of her at all. If she does, the thoughts are fleeting and rooted in anger because she let herself fall in love with a liar and a cheater who she can never trust. 

Have you ever read a great book with a horrible ending? The story itself could be masterful and you felt euphoric reading the pages and pages filled with characters, language, and a plot that you loved. And then you reach the ending and it’s absolute shit. The ending does no justice to everything that came beforehand and you just can’t look at the book the same anymore. The book was a complete and utter waste of time because of what came at the end. 

That is how Toni must see the story of their relationship.

The realization makes Shelby sick to her stomach and it’s all too much for her, as she runs into the bathroom to throw up all the lunch she didn't eat.

…

After that day, Shelby has not been doing well. She wasn't doing all that splendid to begin with, but she has taken a sort of step backward in the “being okay” department.

Aside from the thoughts of Toni having copious amounts of sex with a woman, god forbid women, who are not named Shelby Goodkind, Shelby did one of the most idiotic things she’s ever done in her life.

She cut her hair short. 

Shelby dislikes plenty about herself, but one thing she’s always had quite an affinity for is her hair. It is always the perfect shade of gold like she’s spent a little too much time out in the sun. All natural and never from a bottle. For years, she’s kept it long, reaching to about the bottom of her ribcage, yet it always manages to look healthy and fresh in a way that makes other women ask what hair supplements she takes. Rude. It is thick and falls in natural waves that even a $600 Dyson Airwrap can’t give you.

Shelby gave herself all of five minutes to debate the haircut. The awful idea popped into her head and boom, before she knew it, she was texting her hair stylist, asking for his availability, and could you believe it? It was a slow day and his chair was empty and waiting for Shelby’s dumb ass to sit and later regret all her decisions.

Shelby went with a long-bob or a “lob” as the influencers refer to it. It’s a fucking bob and it is hideous. She hates it and has not stopped crying for two days about it. Every time she closes her eyes, she sees all her beautiful blonde hair lying on the salon floor. The strands of dead hair seem to scream “Help me, help me!” but Shelby can’t do anything once the scissor makes its first cut. She is such a piece of shit that she didn't even think to donate her hair to make wigs for cancer patients.

Fatin bursts into the bathroom while Shelby’s in the shower, washing the hair that she’s still not used to and ends too quickly in her hands.

“How are you still in the shower? We need to leave in less than an hour and you take forever to get ready,” Fatin says, irritation laced in every syllable. 

“Um, so do you?” Shelby asks over the spray of the shower head.

“I take a long time to get ready, but I plan accordingly! My makeup is nearly done and I already know what I’m wearing. Do you know what you're wearing, Shelby? For the love of god, tell me that you do.”

“All I know is that I’m wearing something sexy because when people see my hair, they are going to waver on my hotness, but once they look down and see the rest of me, they will quickly remember that I am spectacular.”

“Shelby, like, fuck you! We are going to be late and not a single fucking person gives a shit about your awful haircut.”

“You said you liked it!” Shelby yells, shutting off the water.

“I lied, you slut,” Fatin wordlessly hands Shelby her towel.

“Fatin, what crawled up your underwear and died?”

Her best friend practically growls at her. “Oh, I don’t know. The fact that it’s Leah’s birthday party tonight and I think I’m in love with her, but I’ve never loved a woman before, so I’m very overwhelmed by my emotions, and every time I see her, I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.”

Shelby wraps herself up in the towel, “Well, it doesn't get any easier. In fact, it will get worse and one day, that truck is going to be a fucking house that falls on you. I’d just stop while you’re ahead and un-fall in love with her, so that you never cut your hair into a lob. A long-bob.”

…

Shelby does look quite sexy tonight. YSL black, backless mini dress belted at the waist with Bottega heels that make her legs look model-esque.

Shelby did not want to come out tonight. Her bed was whispering sweet nothings trying to seduce her back into it, but she promised Leah weeks ago that she’d be at her birthday party. Leah has been a good friend lately, even if she is more Fatin’s friend, but Shelby has always liked her. She is sweet and laughs at Shelby’s jokes and asks minimal questions. She is pretty much the opposite of Fatin.

The party is very cool, very Leah, who rented out a restaurant for the evening. The lighting is dimmed, and moody, and Etta James plays softly in the background. There’s an open bar, which is really the only aspect of this party that matters anyway.

Shelby has not been drinking much lately because she hasn't left the house much besides work and she has not stooped so low into misery to be drinking at home alone. But fuck it, Shelby has missed the combination ice cold vodka and vermouth, also known as a martini, swirling down her throat. 

She shoves a fifty-dollar bill into the tip jar with a knowing wink toward the bartender. She always likes to be their favorite and they need to be vigilant of the status of her glass should it start to get empty. She needs that shit filled to the brim, preferably with ice chips, tonight. Mainly, because Fatin sucks. She deserted Shelby the second they walked into the restaurant, fluttering around to work the room, which Shelby was great at too once upon a time. Shelby is different now though and doesn't much see the point in needing to have people know your name or be impressed by you or be social in general.

Leah runs in completely different circles than her own, so Shelby doesn't really know anybody here. She gives herself an hour more before she can head home, preferring to be back in bed before ten o’clock. God, there used to be a time when she wouldn't even leave the house before midnight.

At the back of the restaurant, she can see people coming in and out through a door for, presumably, the smoke break area. That’s another thing she doesn't do anymore. Smoke. She used to rip cigarettes for the sake of it because they looked chic hanging off her hand, but she secretly always hated the smell of it. When she started dating Toni, she naturally just stopped picking up the nasty habit because she’d found another vice instead.

She stops herself from following the thread of memories that lead to Toni. It’s not a good idea because every head of brown hair will start to look like her and then Shelby’s chest will go tight, but now it’s too late and her mind’s suddenly in a scary place.

Brunettes pour out all around her and she sees aspects of Toni in all of them. Waves cascading down a woman’s back remind her of having a handful of Toni’s hair in her hand. Tanned skin makes Shelby feel a phantom touch of that smooth skin along her own. One of them opens her mouth wide, laughing unabashedly, and she hears the sing-song sound of Toni’s ring clearly in her mind. She doesn't remember the last thing Toni and she laughed about, only the last thing they cried about.

One head of brunette hair really does an evil number on her because she swears to fuck it looks exactly like Toni. Shelby can only see her back, but even this woman’s small frame is spot on and Shelby could even see Toni wearing that outfit too. Now, Shelby panics because what if? Were they to lock eyes across a room, Shelby has no idea what she’d do. Would Shelby run the other way? Would Toni run towards her? 

Shelby has thought of this moment a thousand times. She’s had both daydreams and nightmares of this very scenario and now that she’s faced with it, she can’t do anything but sink into the floor and sink further in her drink, which is only empty for about ten seconds before the bartender hands her a new full glass.

She can’t say thank you because if she opens her mouth, she might let out a yelp or a cry or faint face first onto the floor. Breathing really does get difficult as Shelby waits in horror for the woman to turn around and face her. It’s a few seconds of craning her neck above the crowd, eagle-eyed towards this potential not-stranger before Shelby’s heart sinks.

It’s not her.

Good. That’s very good because Shelby is not ready. She’s not ready to be in her orbit again and get sucked into all that addicting stratosphere that was once her whole life. All the stars made up Toni’s freckles and her deep voice was the gravity of Shelby’s world. Shelby wouldn't survive having to climb back out of that again.

Shelby cannot keep looking at the imposter who waves her hands animatedly, completely oblivious to the panic she’s launched across the room. Now, Shelby can clearly see that her mannerisms are all off and she’s an idiot for ever seeing a resemblance. Maybe she’s starting to forget her. Finally. It’ll make everything easier from now on.

And you know what, fuck it. A cigarette sounds really nice right about now. She doesn't carry them anymore, but she’ll bum one off someone in the back alley people keep fluttering in and out of. She drops her glass onto the bar with a little too much passion, slothing the liquid over the top a bit, before stalking over to the back of the room. She has no idea where Fatin or Leah are and she’s annoyed because this night was a waste of an amazing outfit. This crowd of artsy brunette losers sucks.

Shelby slams open the back door, immediately welcoming all the fresh air in contrast to the lack of it inside. And thank god, there’s one person standing out here who hopefully has an extra cigarette for Shelby to aggressively suck all the poison out of it before she can go the fuck home and start a new season of another baking show. One person is all she needs, anyway. No group small talk, no peering eyes, just a cigarette from a fellow loner in a back alley.

Shelby turns towards them, hand already out and waiting, and it’s Toni staring back at her.

No.

Not another imposter and not a psychedelic hallucination. Shelby feels the gravitational pull immediately and there is not a second of fucking doubt that the real Toni is standing in front of her alive and well.

Or less alive by the minute considering the half-burnt cigarette in her hand. Shelby drinks her in out of habit. Toni is leaning back onto the wall and she’s got on a Loewe t-shirt (Shelby knows because she bought it for her) tucked into old Levi’s and her Parada boot is propped up onto the wall behind her.

“Hi,” Toni says. 

Her voice is the embodiment of sex and even raspier than Shelby remembers. 

“Hi,” Shelby repeats back. It doesn't sound as sexy.

Notes:

note that I've added a final chapter count! i mean, finally, years later lol. i love you all and thank you for the continued support. it means the world to me. xx

Chapter 20

Shelby remains frozen in her spot to watch the hollows of Toni’s cheeks dip, as she takes a long drag of her cigarette. A half-second too long of silence passes and Shelby’s racking her brain for something to say that will make her come across as dazzling, yet effortless. Something to paint her as the picture of having moved on entirely with the utmost of grace.

 

“I thought you might be here,” Toni admits. 

 

Her confession leaves Shelby utterly baffled because if she had an inkling Toni would be any place at all, not only would she not show up, but she wouldn't admit to it either. 

 

“I’ve known Leah for over ten years,” Shelby tilts her chin up. “I’m actually not sure what it is you’re doing here.”

 

Toni lets out a small laugh, “Don’t you remember how we were connected in the first place? I’ve known her for years too.”

 

Leah. That’s right. In Shelby’s mind, Toni had just kind of plopped onto the sand of Shelby’s beach. Toni is a big devastating wave that crashed onto the shore and took out the entire tide, washing away everything that came before and after her. 

 

Shelby hums in acknowledgment. “Got another of those?” she asks, pointing to the cigarette in Toni’s hand. She is careful not to make any skin contact as she plucks it from the mostly empty pack that Toni holds out for her. 

 

“I’ll light it myself, thanks,” Shelby gestures towards the lighter Toni holds up, lit and waiting for Shelby to lean towards. As if she is moving an inch closer toward the woman who used to hold her without a fraction of space between them.

 

The first time Toni’s eyes meet her, they are above the light of a fire that sets the brown in her eyes ablaze. It brings out flecks of secret gold and warmth that Shelby used to crawl up in and wrap herself around. She wonders what Toni sees in her eyes.

 

Toni pockets the lighter once Shelby hands it back— again zero skin contact— and clears her throat. “How are you doing?”

 

It’s the stupidest fucking question Shelby’s ever heard, but she supposes it’s the only logical one in a situation such as this.

 

“I’m doing well,” she nods. “And you?” Because that’s what you're supposed to ask next.

It sounds like any interaction she’d have with her dental hygienist, a librarian, or perhaps a crackhead on the street. Except Shelby wouldn't have a pit the size of Antarctica during those conversations.

 

“I’m doing good, yeah,” Toni matches Shelby’s nods. “Good,” Toni repeats again for good measure just in case Shelby didn't hear it the first time. There is a certain coldness to the conversation that makes Shelby want to bang her head on the wall behind them.

 

“What have you been up to lately?” Toni asks politely.

 

Shelby blinks, thinking, “I’ve been baking.”

 

“Baking?”

 

Shelby doesn't have to look over to recognize the look in Toni’s eye. Suspicion with a dash of amusement. She knows— knew— all of her faces. Shelby spares herself a glance at Toni, who is the picture of nonchalance, and tries to appear very invested in her cigarette and not at all like she’s hanging off every word coming out of Toni’s mouth.

 

“Yup,” Shelby finishes with a pop.

 

“Well, that’s new.”

 

“Not that new.”

 

“Like cupcakes, brownies, pavlovas and shit?” Toni laughs.

 

“Yes. All of it. I’m quite good, thank you very much.”

 

“I bet you are,” Toni licks her bottom lip and Shelby is jealous of it.

 

“Your hair is new too,” Toni continues.

 

“Observant.”

 

Say it, say it, say it.

 

“I like it.”

 

“I’m still getting used to it. Not sure how I feel about it yet.” Shelby smooths down her hair, but lifts her chin ever so slightly. Out of the corner of her eye, she can see Toni’s eyes roam up and down the length of her. It’s quick, but Shelby catches it.

 

“It’s different but nice. Makes you look older.”

 

“Just what every woman wants to hear,” Shelby rolls her eyes. Shelby takes the moment to sink into Toni’s face. Does a brief count of every freckle, checks in on her eyebrows, nose, and cheeks.

 

“You look the same,” Shelby says, glad for it. She is relieved to not feel any further away from the version of Toni that she used to know.

 

“Good or bad thing?”

 

“Good, I suppose. I never had a problem with the way you looked.” There’s no harm in revealing that. It’s hardly a secret.

 

“Same,” Toni says, casually, as if the confession doesn't nearly take Shelby out. Shelby meets Toni’s eyes again and she’s sure her own are wide. “Always did. But, I don’t have to tell you that.”

 

And that’s true, but not entirely accurate.

 

“In the physical sense, you mean,” Shelby shrugs.

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing.” Shelby gives her a weak smile and Toni puts out her cigarette with the bottom of her Prada boot.

 

“‘In the physical sense,’ what does that even mean?” Toni asks again, shaking her head.

 

“Physical, as in outward appearance, you know? No shit you never had a problem with that. It’s only when you got deep, to the inside— to the real stuff— that you didn't like what you saw so much.” She grins at Toni, for the first time tonight, and squares her shoulders back.

 

Toni pulls her head back, surprised. 

 

“That’s not true, Shelby—” Toni saying her name is like wrapping up in a warm blanket after a long day while also getting punched in the face at the same time— “You hid things from me. Important things. I’m sorry, I just couldn't move past that.”

 

Shelby isn't done with her cigarette, but she puts it out anyway. She cringes at having to put it out with the bottom of these heels and if Toni and her were what and who they used to be, she’d ask her to do it for her instead, but they aren’t and this conversation does not match any of the ones Shelby’s role played in her head. She fantasized about apologies that end in running into each other’s arms and about screaming fights that end in red faces and crippling comebacks (on Shelby’s part). She never imagined this weird, tense elusivity with someone who feels like a stranger, but has also seen her naked hundreds of times.

 

A dance around what they both actually want to say for the sake of pretending that everything is normal and civil and like the last time they saw each other, Shelby wasn't on her hands and knees crying, begging, for Toni not to leave. To not give up on her. And it’s sad— Shelby thinks it is really fucking sad— that Toni couldn’t see past all the goodness between them. And Shelby means like real, pure goodness— the stuff of sunshine and rainbows, newborn baby smells, and miracles that you ever so rarely hear about on the news.

 

She forgets about how she may have fucked it all up by her own stupid choices because, you know what, Toni had a part to play in their demise too. Toni fucked up when she didn't stay. She gave up on what they’d built out of magic in a matter of minutes. 

 

Shelby bled on the page for her, dedicated herself to loving Toni for the rest of her life, and even though Toni verbally made those same commitments, she left anyway. She lied just as much as Shelby did. And Toni’s lies might be worse because she lied about them, while Shelby only lied about herself. 

 

And maybe for the first time since their breakup, Shelby forgets about her sadness and the warmth of her covers. She doesn't crawl over the shattered glass of battling this heartbreak. 

 

She is, kind of, fucking angry.

 

“You ran at the first fucking sign of trouble!” Shelby raises her voice.

 

“You lied!” Toni’s is loud now too.

 

“And I wouldn't have left you even if you committed murder. I probably would have helped you bury the fucking body!” (Shelby does not know if that is entirely true, but context really is truly everything.)

 

Toni rolls her head back, “It wasn't fucking easy for me to make that decision, Shelby! Realizing my girlfriend lied to me, and kept important shit from me, every single day of our fucking lives together, that fucked me up. You fucked me up!”

 

“Well, join the club, Toni. Shit happens and you move on!” Shelby yells.

 

“I have moved on! You weren't the first person I’ve loved to lie to me, but sure are as fuck will be the last.”

 

Toni might as well have knifed Shelby in the back.

 

She’ll save the tears that will surely come later— she knows there will be lots of them— because Toni won’t see a single one of them from her. Instead, she plasters on the bitchiest smile she can think to conjure.

 

“Perfect because I’ve moved on too,” Shelby lies through her teeth.

 

“Great,” Toni swallows, not looking at Shelby anymore.

 

“Glad to see you’re doing well and developed a habit that’s slowly rotting you from the inside out. Your sense of judgment is still fucking spot on, isn’t it?”

 

“Well, you were practically fucking feening for one when you came out here, so,” Toni says, annoyed.

 

“If you knew I’d be here tonight, then you shouldn't have come,” Shelby says, before taking a few deep breaths. “Goodbye, Toni.”

 

And this time, Shelby is the one to walk away. She doesn't give her ex-girlfriend one more word, as she leaves Toni in the alleyway with a hard slam of the door.

 

… 

 

Awful haircut aside, Shelby is full of stupid decisions lately because she decides to meet up with the model from the photoshoot (you know, the Russian one who came on hard and fast in a frighteningly desperate manner). With her adrenaline pumping like crazy after her fight with Toni, Shelby stormed into the bathroom and shut herself into a cramped stall. She quickly texted the woman asking if she was free to meet up immediately for a drink, and, as predicted, she was free and already on the way to meet Shelby at a bar across town. Leaving Leah’s party with her head down and blood still boiling, Shelby doesn't say goodbye to either Fatin or Leah just in case they decide to talk some sense into her. Shelby does not want sense, she wants attention.

 

As predicted, the date— and Shelby would hardly call it that— is dull at best. The conversation is watered down just like the drink in Shelby’s hand, and all she thinks about is the vein that was slightly pulsating out of Toni’s neck while she screamed at her. Yes, Shelby knows she has issues.

 

Her date keeps rubbing her shoe against Shelby’s leg, which Shelby thinks is supposed to be sexy but hates it for some reason. Shelby puts together that this girl is really drunk and has probably been drinking for hours at this point on a Saturday night. 

 

“Do you want to get out of here?” the model asks, lips still attached to her straw. Shelby winces.

 

“I’m so sorry, but, um, no. I have work in the morning. Fashion waits for no one, ya know?” Shelby awkwardly laughs because what the fuck does that even mean? She gives herself grace because it’s been a long night and she’s just experienced a mildly traumatic conversation with her ex-girlfriend.

 

Shelby feels sorry for having dragged this girl away from wherever she came from because she’s only here to dull the ache Toni left in her chest. And this girl is hot. Anybody would be happy, ecstatic even, to have her in their bed, but the only person Shelby wants in hers just took all the air out of her lungs by stomping all over her neck in Prada boots. Heavy ones.

 

Shelby wanted attention and validation— that much is true. And of course, she hasn't moved on from Toni, not even an inch, but hearing Toni say she was moved on came straight out of Shelby’s worst nightmare. 

 

Shelby guides her model date into an Uber, and as the car drives away, Shelby is left on the sidewalk to dig her nails way too hard into her palm. She thinks, as she always does, about Toni. And as she fights the tears threatening to spill onto her cheeks, she can’t help but feel grateful to add one new memory to add to their catalog— she wasn't sure they’d get any more memories. As the tears finally fall and Shelby is forced to hurriedly wipe them away, a recognition hits her hard and fast. Toni saying that she’s moved on is, perhaps, not the death blow Shelby expected it to be. Because Shelby does not believe it. 

 

When she’s forced to cover her face, burying her sobs in her hands, Shelby remembers that she has every single one of that woman’s faces branded behind her eyelids. Toni may be a very good actress, but she’s never faked anything in front of Shelby. Shelby just knows, like how animals can sense oncoming bad weather, that it was a big fucking lie. Tonight, she pissed off Toni and Toni can be quite mean when she’s angry. And Toni being angry with her is better than her feeling nothing at all. 

 

Alone and vulnerable, Shelby cannot stop crying on this busy sidewalk in West Hollywood. 

 

The only place where she’d feel even lonelier than she does now is her empty apartment. That place has swallowed up her sadness for the last few months, always ready for more. The darkness that awaits her there is all too familiar and Shelby needs to feel, she doesn't need to watch another episode of reality television to forget every sad detail about her little pathetic life. It’s the reason why she ended up on a spontaneous date with an all-too-willing model.

 

Seeing Toni tonight is the single most exhilarating thing that has happened to her in months and Shelby simply cannot return to that cocoon of oblivion.

 

Shelby doesn't know how or why, but she ends up in an Uber going to her parent’s house. She tells herself that if she can’t be angry at Toni, then she’ll return to the inception of all her lifelong anger.

 

Shelby calls her mom when she gets there because she’s not stupid enough to ring the doorbell in case her dad answers the door.

 

“Shelby, what in the world is going on? Are you okay?” Her mom whispers in her faded Southern drawl.

 

“Mom, I’m fine. Just… come downstairs, would you? I’m outside and I’m cold and I'm in a mini dress.” Shelby shifts from one foot to the other, wiping any residual snot from her top lip.

 

Her mom opens the door, covered up in a long robe over her pajamas, and silently gestures for Shelby to come in. She’s guided over to the living room couch, where her mom drapes a blanket over her shoulders.

 

“Oh, Shelby,” her mom says with a hand to her heart, eyes sad for her daughter whose eyes are scarred by the heartbreak she’s been fighting since Toni left her alone and sobbing in her bedroom. For as long as she can remember, Shelby’s never been able to hide when she’s been crying. The red-rimmed, light eyes are always a dead giveaway.

 

“I have no idea why I’m here, by the way,” Shelby says defiantly.

 

“That’s okay, sweetheart—”

 

“I was out. I’m sad, which I’ve been for a long time. But tonight, I’m angry, which I haven't been in a really long time, and the only place where I’m usually, very, angry is this house. So, naturally, I’m here now and no, I’m not sure why,” Shelby whisper-yells.

 

Shelby’s mom lets out a heavy breath, and her face reads a combination of happy and sad. Sad because that’s what pairs well with pity, and happy since her estranged daughter ran to her in the middle of the night amid an emotional breakdown, Shelby thinks.

 

“I know why you’re here, Shelby—”

 

“Mother, no you don’t because I myself am unaware.” Shelby scoots further away from her on the couch, but her mom places a gentle hand on her arm regardless. She leans over to take her heels off and then tucks her feet underneath herself on the couch. 

 

Her mother sighs, giving Shelby’s arm a gentle squeeze. “You’re dealing with a broken heart, honey. You feel out of control with your emotions and have for a long time now. So, you’ve come to the one place where you know exactly how to feel. This may not be your favorite place in the world, but your anger here is predictable, which is what you’re looking for, sweetheart.”

 

“Jesus fucking Christ—” 

 

“Shelby,” her mom sighs like she’s fifteen again and hangs her head in her hands. “Please do not take the Lord’s name in vain.”

 

“Mom, you sound like Dr. Phil. Plus, giving out unsolicited therapy is rude,” Shelby rolls her eyes but cuddles further into the blanket because it really is cold outside. She has a sneaking suspicion that every word from her mother’s mouth is true. Since when has her mother known the inner workings of her mind so well? When was this parental guidance when she needed it most?

 

Shelby clears her throat. “How do you know I’m heartbroken anyway?”

 

Her mom gives her a knowing look. “Shelby, you know my vice has always been celebrity gossip. I have Instagram alerts for E! News…”

 

“Of course you do.”

 

“I read the article that was published, Shelby. Lord forgive me, but that was a wretched thing for Becca to do. No matter how you hurt her, you did not deserve to have your privacy invaded.”

 

Shelby’s cheeks blush at her mother having read some of the more scandalous details from that disgusting, vile, invasive, tasteless piece of cheap media. She makes herself roll her shoulders back and keep her face as emotionless as possible.

 

Her mother is a very beautiful woman and always has been no matter her age. Green eyes like Shelby’s, soft doe-like features, and a femininity to her that makes her every movement look graceful. 

 

For women like her, family is everything. Raising the perfect family, maintaining the perfect family, and keeping the outward picture of the perfect family. Shelby dismantled everything she’d ever worked for just by being herself. If Shelby is her father’s biggest disappointment then she is her mother’s deepest regret. And Shelby is old enough now, wiser and stronger, to not carry any of that responsibility or weight. It is entirely her parents’ fault for letting her disappear from their lives once it was clear she wouldn't fit their mold.

 

But the weird thing is that Shelby knows her mother loves her. She knows it as much as she knows she loves Toni. The most baffling part of Shelby’s existence is how her mother could never protect or support her own child. And Shelby is pretty sure her mom doesn’t know he planned to send her to conversation therapy when she was a teenager. She assumes as much because her dad always managed to shield his asshole tendencies away from his wife. Her father has managed a decades-long chokehold over his wife and implemented this strange ownership over her that they probably interpret as romantic. But, Shelby knows that her father is the dark cloud that looms over their family. It’s not her sexuality, fuck that— he is the secret they all keep hidden from the rest of the world.

 

Her mother continues in a whisper, so as to not wake anyone in the house, “I know you loved Toni, sweetheart. It was written all over you when I saw yall together. I can even see it now,” Jobeth’s eyes pinch. “Shelby, breakups are hard. They could even feel like a death, but—”

 

“Mom, you don’t know what it’s like. You’ve been married for like almost thirty years,” Shelby scoffs.

 

Her mother gives her a look. A look of sadness with an undertone of understanding. Shelby sees something unexplainable at the precipice of her mother’s mind, like there’s so many unsaid things hanging off the tip of her tongue. 

 

“I know more about heartbreak than you think, Shelby,” her mother whispers. Her eyes cast down onto the couch and Shelby swallows, nervously, at this slight unraveling of her mother.

 

Jobeth continues, “Did you know that I was engaged before I met your father?” 

 

Shelby shakes her head silently.

 

“Well, I was,” she gives Shelby a small, watery smile. “He was my childhood sweetheart. We grew up next door to each other and he was my first date, first kiss, my first… everything. He asked me to be his girlfriend when we were only thirteen, and proposed to me by the time we were eighteen.”

 

“We’d just graduated high school, we were planning our wedding, and, Shelby, I promise you, you’ve never seen two people more in love,” her voice drops so low that Shelby can just barely hear her. 

 

“And then one night, I was waiting for him to pick me up from your grandparent’s house, so we could go wedding cake tasting. He was late, which was unlike him. I waited for hours and hours, but, truthfully, I knew after five minutes that something went terribly wrong,” Jobeth takes a deep, harrowing breath

 

“He was in a car wreck and didn't survive the crash.”

 

Shelby freezes; she cannot take her eyes off of her mother’s horror-struck face. Her mother, who Shelby does not think has ever told a soul this story before.

 

“Mom,” Shelby tries to say, but words defeat her.

 

“He was a very good man. Honest, trustworthy, and humble— all the things you can only hope for in a husband,” her mother bats away a tear that’s fallen and Shelby has the urge to wipe it for her. “I was absolutely devastated, of course. There is no recovery from a loss like that. And it’s horrible to say out loud, but I’ve always thought that I died alongside him in that car,” she shrugs.

 

“A few months later, I met your father in college, and he was head over heels for me. The only reason I was able to start dating him was because your father was nothing like him at all. Completely different personalities and temperaments— he was so dissimilar to the man I had lost. The one thing that made it hard was that they looked so much alike.”

 

Her mother swallows and shakes her head like she has to make Shelby see that even though this is impossible to hear, it is all true.

 

“I married your father quickly afterward because when I met him, I was already four months pregnant with you, Shelby. My dead fiance's child.”

 

Everything Shelby’s ever known about her entire life shifts on its axis.

 

She’s hurdled through time and space, floating through gravity-less galaxies that hold all the different variations her life could have taken.

 

She sees two loving parents and a small-town life. Siblings who look different than the ones she knows as her own. A little girl who is loved unconditionally by her father except he now lies under a tombstone. 

 

Her father is buried somewhere out there and Shelby does not know his name. She does not know what his voice sounds like when he sings her happy birthday. She has no idea what snack to bring him from the kitchen because she never learned his favorite. She wonders what smell would have made her think of him, but she can’t because she will never know his cologne.

 

Shelby is sad for herself, but it does not compare to the sadness she feels for her mother, who is all teary-eyed and scared to absorb her daughter’s reaction to this horrible secret she’s harbored her whole life.

 

Shelby has been a never-ending fountain of tears for months now. Her bed soaks up all her lonely, salty tears, and when it doesn't, Fatin is the one who holds her until the sobs subside. But now, Shelby is the one who holds her mother’s crying body tightly against her.

 

Jobeth leans into Shelby’s shoulder to muffle her breathless sobs and keep her tears quiet, just as she has for years and years and years. Realizing that she may be the only person who's ever seen her mother mourn for a life that nobody knew she lost, Shelby uses one hand to rub her mother’s back and the other to keep her head pressed against Shelby’s chest. Two Goodkind women— who really aren't Goodkind women at all— leaning on each other for the first time, maybe, ever.

 

And together, they cry for the life that Shelby never had. For a life with a father who loves her as his own. And a mother who is not so battered and broken by her lifelong grief, she never protected her daughter in the way she should have.

Chapter 21

Over the next couple of weeks, Shelby thinks a lot about the news her mom shared— about the father she never had, but still her father nonetheless— and it changes everything. Before she left her parent’s house that night, after her mom’s crying subsided and Shelby recovered from the initial shock, Jobeth admitted that Dave, the man who raised her, had always known Shelby is not his biological child. Shelby has since decided that she will no longer refer to him as her father, and that, for all intents and purposes, he is just as dead to her as her actual dad is actually dead.

 

In a way, Shelby thinks she has a whole new mom, too. One who has known true love and loss and had premarital sex (Shelby kind of likes the idea of being a lovechild. Scandal has always followed her, even at conception).

 

But anyway, moving on; Shelby’s new thing is ‘moving on.’ She’s trying to do it with both her family life and her ex-girlfriend.

 

However, the next time Shelby sees Toni, she’s hit with the hard truth that moving on from her ex-girlfriend will be a lot harder than she’s telling herself.

 

Shelby is actually a bit annoyed because the run-in takes place at a lunch hosted by Louis Vuitton. It is an unspoken rule that fashion events are Shelby’s territory— a safe space free of any drama— both relationship and familial— which is very much welcomed because Shelby is treading through a lot of bullshit these days.

 

Toni is evidently invited because, as it turns out, Shelby is an incredible stylist who did her fucking job right. In the time Shelby was dressing her, Toni became somewhat of a Louis Vuitton darling. The partnership was accidental, but Toni really does suit their silhouettes quite well. The fashion house wasn't Shelby’s first choice, she’d rather have struck up something with Saint Laurent. Toni is so a YSL girl because, hello, sexy. 

 

But LV loves the face of a young actress ever since almost fading into tacky oblivion a few years back, thanks to all the soccer moms rocking Neverfull totes to Saturday morning games like it was nobody’s business. Really, it had gotten out of hand.

 

When Shelby struts into this industry lunch expecting other fashion girls and the occasional high-cheekboned influencer, she did not expect to read a name card with the name Toni Shalifoe sitting next to hers. A wave of nausea rolls through her stomach. Of course, they sat them together.

 

One dumb ass marketing intern is getting fired because they didn't do proper research on their guests.

 

Shelby looks around, whipping her head around so fast that her neck may very well snap in half. She is actually worried enough that she asks someone to switch the place settings, but the event manager didn't like that very much and cursed at her in French.

 

Shelby is one breath away from hyperventilation and about to walk out and ask the valet to bring her car around, but the beautiful brunette who’s ruined her life walks in looking all hot and perfect, and Shelby’s body betrays her by staring a second too long. She does feel calmer, though. In her head, the idea of Toni is scary, but the reality is that she’s still Shelby’s favorite person. She used to be at least.

 

They lock eyes from across the room (because they always do when they're in a room together). And seriously, Toni has no business looking this good. Her face is… just one of those faces— it’s beautiful in an almost arresting way. Her hair is perfectly tousled, and she’s in all black, which Shelby thinks is a personal attack.  

 

Shelby glances down at her own outfit: Miu Miu button-up shirt tucked into a pleated mini skirt by them too. If she’d known she’d be seeing Toni, she might have changed the top, but she supposes it works well enough and— who is she kidding— she looks great. She tucks her short hair behind her ear and forces herself to peel her eyes away from Toni, still looking over at her. 

 

So much for leaving. Now that she’s seen her, Shelby realizes that she’d do anything for five minutes next to her. Even if it’s at the most awkward luncheon in the history of all time.

 

Shelby is peering over the shoulder of LV’s director of marketing to figure out who Toni’s talking to when it’s announced that everyone should take their seats for dinner.

 

Toni makes it to the table first, and as Shelby walks over, she can see Toni’s face fall at the sight of her name card next to Shelby’s. It stings a bit.

 

“Don’t look too excited,” Shelby says when she approaches, eyebrows up. Toni fixes her face into a polite smile, but Shelby recognizes a hint of remorse there. Good.

 

“Stop, it wasn't like that,” Toni’s head dips. “I’m sorry— I'm just surprised. Seeing your name is like whiplash.” Shelby couldn't have said it better herself.

 

“You hate these kinds of things. What are you even doing here?” Shelby nods at her as they both sit down.

 

Toni does hate these events— always has. Seated dinners, red carpets, anything branded as ‘too Hollywood’ is the antithesis of Toni. She only showed up to the occasional premiere or award show if an after-party was involved. And there were quite a few, which both she and Shelby took advantage of from time to time. Date nights go wild when an open bar is involved.

 

“Trust me, I still do. But Rachel is encouraging me to, um, leave the house more. Press for my new movie is starting up and, apparently, I need to practice socializing again.”

 

“I see,” Shelby nods. 

 

She fights the urge to dance in her chair from the insinuation that Toni is home a lot these days. Not a lot of time for taking horrible women out on dates, prancing around with strippers, or whatever it is Toni decides to do in her free time now. If Shelby were evil, she’d be delighted by the thought of Toni crying in bed over the regret she feels for saying goodbye to the love of her life, but Shelby is not, so she doesn't…

 

Toni clears her throat loudly next to Shelby, as the other guests continue taking their seats. Shelby looks over indifferently because she’s trying to keep her heart on lock.

 

“I’m sorry about what I said at Leah’s party—” Toni apologizes. “I planned out everything I was going to tell you, but it all went to shit the moment I saw you.”

 

Shelby knows the feeling.

 

“Yeah that really sucked,” Shelby shrugs, fiddling with the edge of her napkin.

 

“I hated it. We’ve never fought like that before, and I don’t want to start now. It doesn't feel like us.” 

 

Shelby blinks at her a few times, “There is no ‘us’ anymore, Toni.”

 

There isn't because Toni said so. 

 

Toni's eyes widen, then fall altogether. She bites down on her lip like she’s trying to control her emotions, but Shelby can’t place what that emotion is because she’s losing more and more of her every day. She pretends like it doesn't hurt her to cause Toni any fraction of pain because Toni hurt her first and hurt her harder. 

 

“I know there isn't,” Toni says, her voice going all raspy. 

 

“It’s fine. I’d rather us not hate each other, if that’s okay. You’re right— we don’t need to start doing that now.”

 

“Shelby, I could never hate you. Something would be cosmically fucked up in the universe if that were to ever happen,” Toni blinks at her. 

 

Someone, somewhere, is giving a speech about Louis Vuitton’s newest collection, but Shelby can’t hear them because Toni’s eyes are boring into hers and it makes her feel naked. Every one of her instincts tells her to go drown herself in those pools of warm, golden brown, but her brain is also jutting up these enormous walls that keep Shelby firmly planted in her seat. 

 

“I just thought—”

 

“Believe me, Shelby, we don’t live in a universe where it’s possible for me to hate you. That means that I wouldn't be me and you wouldn't be you, and I don’t want to live in a world where that’s the case.”

 

Everyone around them fades to the background. They don’t exist anymore, and Toni’s voice is the anchor she clings to. She reminds herself to stay pushed up against that protective wall— it’s there for a reason.

 

Shelby tries to listen to her brain and presses hard into her eyes, groaning as ladylike as she can, because Toni is doing an absolute number on her right now.

 

“Why are you talking to me like that?” Shelby shakes her head, refusing to look at Toni with her head still buried in her hands. “You cannot say that kind of shit to me, Toni. We are broken up, so you can’t talk to me about ‘universes’ and ‘us.’ Normal exes just talk about the weather and traffic.”

 

Toni is quiet for a few seconds.

 

“...they do?” 

 

She looks up to find the corner of Toni’s mouth tilted up ever-so slightly.

 

“So I’m told,” Shelby rolls her eyes.

 

“They sound really boring.”

 

“They are, but everyone is. Except for me.”

 

“And me.”

 

Shelby gives her a look. “You are boring. Also, a horrible person. You are also my ex, and I’d like to go back to trying to forget about you.”

 

“Right, right. I’m impossible to forget though, and too charming for my own good.”

 

“Oh, please. Get over yourself.”

 

“Charmed the pants off you, didn't I?”

 

“Well, do me a favor and forget about me .”

 

“Impossible,” Toni winks.

 

They stare at each other for a few seconds before breaking out into a proper laugh. People around the table look over at them, peering over their shoulders at the pair of exes who were best friends long before they were lovers.

 

The starter course is being served when Toni asks, “How’s the baking going?”

 

“Oh, I haven't baked for shit.”

 

“What? You were all high and mighty about your skills the last time I saw you.”

 

“I meant it more as in I watch a lot of The Great British Bake Off.”

 

“Sounds more like you,” Toni nods. 

 

Shelby likes this. The banter. They were always good at it.

 

“How’s everyone doing? Martha and Rachel doing okay?” Shelby asks because she genuinely does want to know.

 

“Rach is doing good,” Toni nods. “Over my shit, as per usual, but we know she loves me more than any of her other clients—”

 

“She’d never tell you to your face—”

 

“Of course not, that’s our thing. And Martha is better than ever. She’s got a boyfriend—he’s a cute little thing. She stayed with me for a few weeks while I moved into my new place.”

 

Shelby smiles, “Well, send them my love.”

 

Shelby doesn't ask about her move or the new house she lives in. She’d rather not know anything about it. That topic always makes Shelby sad to think about. She’ll remember all the plans they once had for that home, which Shelby never stepped foot in. From there, it’s a downward spiral into loneliness and the terrifying fact that she doesn't know when she’ll ever get the chance to share a home with a woman she loves. Or if she’ll get a family of her own in a safe space brimming with joy and memories, and laughter. Shelby doesn't like that train of thought, so she swallows it down with a bite of her side salad.

 

She feels Toni’s eyes on the side of her face.

 

“Stop looking at me,” Shelby chides.

 

“I’m not,” Toni laughs.

 

“You’re so obsessed with me.”

 

“I know. You want to get out of here and go for a drive?”

 

Shelby nods, and they leave wordlessly, sans goodbye to anyone else.

 

Toni gets her car from the valet, and the absurdity of the situation makes Shelby giggle. She pretends to roll her eyes when Toni opens the car door for her.

 

“You barely did that for me when we were together. Don’t pretend like you should now.”

 

“You have a skewed perception of our relationship,” Toni gets behind the wheel. “I am the picture of chivalry.”

 

She really is, but Shelby withholds that piece of information because banter.

 

Not much thought goes into the decision; it’s just them and they are together, and it makes sense, so Shelby doesn't question the fact that this can be bad for her heart in the long-run. Shelby could be in a trance for all she knows because all that transpired in the last few months seems irrelevant. Her broken heart, the earth-shattering underneath her feet when she learned about her father, her loneliness— so deep and vast that Shelby hardly realizes she hasn't laughed with her whole chest in a very long time. None of it matters anymore because she’s back in Toni’s car and life is spontaneous again just like her smile, which she doesn't have to physically plaster on.

 

They end up driving down the Pacific Coast Highway. The PCH is one of the most beautiful drives in California, maybe even the whole country. Music plays in time with waves from the Pacific crashing onto shore. The windows are open, and the smell of fresh sea breeze wafts into the vent of Shelby’s heart. From the corner of her eye, she can see Toni’s hair billowing out around her, waves all tousled and perfect. She mostly gazes out the window, so as not to get caught up in the art of Toni’s side profile because, wow, does it rival the California coastline.

 

Tourists get off on the side of the road to take photos and Shelby gets it— she’d take a picture of this moment if she could too. They cruise down the coast while Shelby sits in clandestine elation. She thinks about wiping the embarrassing smile off her face before she catches a similar one on Toni’s face. She stays smiling because it feels safe to.

 

It suddenly makes so much sense as to why kids play make-believe. How addicting it is to plop yourself in another lifetime, letting your imagination unfold and morph reality. Little kids pretend to be doctors and get the bad guys, but Shelby plays now too— pretends to erase the past and be Toni’s again.

 

“I don’t know about you, but this is way better than a stuffy lunch with dry chicken and sad salads,” Toni says, still smiling. 

 

Right hand on the steering wheel, she reaches up with her left and holds the roof of her car through the open window like all the hot people do in movies.

 

“It is,” Shelby nods. “Rachel is going to kill you.”

 

“Only if she finds out.”

 

Shelby uses her fingers to lock her mouth like a zipper, throwing the key out the open window.

 

Toni laughs and it sounds like silk sheets, the first warm day after a long winter, and, probably, heaven all wrapped into one.

 

“So…” Shelby tilts her head. “Have you been awfully sad without me?”

 

“You’re something else,” Toni bites down on her lip, still smiling. 

 

She looks at Shelby from the corner of her eye and says, “I have missed you. Can’t lie about that.”

 

Shelby’s heart flutters out of her chest, beating in time to every love song ever written.

 

“Of course you do,” Shelby says, feeling slightly vindicated.

 

“What?! You don’t miss me back?” Toni's mouth drops open.

 

“Considering you’re the one who broke up with me, I will not be responding.”

 

“Fair enough.” 

 

There’s a beat of silence, but the music, wind, and butterflies in Shelby’s stomach fill the air just fine. They are just two girls driving the PCH with a mountain of underlying sexual tension sitting in the center console. After a few more minutes of driving, they pull into Point Dume in Malibu. Imagine the most picturesque cliffside lookout that juts straight out into the ocean — that’s Point Dume. It’s completely beautiful; places like this are the reason why people move to Malibu.

 

Toni undoes her seatbelt at the same time Shelby undoes hers, and they turn in towards each other. She feels giddy like a teenager because cars and teenage-dom go together. A private place away from parents and prying eyes. The only private place for exploratory naughty activities to take place. Even though this particular moment with Toni isn't naughty in the least bit. It’s shy and sweet, and the most natural thing in the world to be with her like this again.

 

“I have to tell you something,” Toni says, gazing up at her with honest eyes. Shelby nods, waiting for Toni to collect her thoughts.

 

Shelby thinks to herself that this could be it. A reunion is looming on the horizon of a dark and stormy day. 

 

“I have abandonment issues.”

 

Shelby already knows this information about her, but she nods sincerely regardless. She was expecting a grand declaration of love, but a casual psychoanalysis will do.

 

“My childhood was defined by my mom’s drug addiction, and her choosing drugs over me made me fear rejection. And I’ve got trust issues because my mom only made an effort to be in life once I became successful,” Toni declares like she’s reading out a shopping list, eyes cast downward.

 

She continues, “When I saw us going the long-haul together, I never thought you’d be someone who would do that to me. But, when shit hit the fan and the article came out, all of my worst fears were coming true. All I could see was that you left her and that I was going to be next. I shut down completely.”

 

This song and dance again. Shelby can’t help but feel clouds beginning to loom over their eternally sunny day.

 

“I hid it from you because I was ashamed,” Shelby admits to her lap, quietly.

 

“I’m starting to get that,” Toni nods, but her expression doesn't reveal much. 

 

“You are?” Shelby says, hopefully.

 

“Yeah,” Toni mouth purses in a sad way and Shelby wants to kiss it better.

 

“I’m sorry I did, Toni. I’d do it all differently if I could.”

 

“I know,” Toni gives her a small, sad smile.  

 

Shelby kneels on the doorstep of Toni’s forgiveness, mentally pleading for her to say the words that will lead them back home to each other. I forgive you. I was wrong to leave you. Let’s work this out. Toni says nothing.

 

Shelby’s scared to ask, but she does anyway. 

 

“Will you ever trust me again?”

 

“I don’t know, Shelby,” Toni looks up at the roof of her car, resting her head against the seat. “I want to, I really do, but I can’t just pretend nothing happened. And you’re here now and it feels like before, but you need give me a fucking second to, like, process this— I don’t know.”

 

Shelby hears the harsh sound of a door closing on her face. She wants to be understanding and polite and ever-so gentle with their feelings, which Shelby knows are all tangled into one complicated knot, but it hurts like hell. Shelby would jump back into Toni’s arms were she to hold them open, but Toni won’t even touch her with a ten-foot pole.

 

“So, that’s it. I’m always going to be the bad guy in your mind?” Shelby scoffs quietly.

 

“Shelby,” Toni chides, not wanting her to start.

 

“I put you up on this giant pedestal for our whole relationship. I’m so lucky to be with you, you’re the one stooping down—” Toni’s face wrinkles at that. “All the fucked up shit you’ve been through hasn’t made you a bad person, but that’s exactly what mine has made me. You could do no wrong, I’m undeserving!” Shelby waves her hands around, loud again.

 

She gets out of the car because it only took one quick second for it to become fucking claustrophobic in there. Toni follows, slamming the door shut behind her. 

 

“That’s some shit in your head, Shelby. I’ve never thought any of that was true!” 

 

“It's not all in my head, Toni. You walked out on me after I told you my da— Dave— was going to send me to a fucking conversion camp and all you cared about was yourself! I lied to you? Boo-fucking-hoo, I was being humiliated for the worst thing I’ve ever done in front of the whole world!”

 

Shelby’s eyes well up in a way she’s not comfortable with, but is very used to by now. 

 

Toni’s face falls and a genuine sadness, or maybe it’s guilt, takes over her face. Like it’s the first time she’s registering how badly Shelby had it and that maybe, just maybe, she should have handled it really fucking differently. And that makes Shelby angrier because it means in all this time, Toni’s been stewing in her own anger without a second thought towards Shelby's pain. It contradicts everything she’s ever thought about Toni’s character. 

 

Before, the sun never set on Toni and a glowing light cascaded all around her like an angel in some sort of prophecy. But standing here on this cliff in Malibu, Shelby realizes that what she said about putting Toni on a pedestal are the most truthful words she’s ever said about their relationship. She tilts her head and lets one tear escape, as she starts to see Toni in a whole new light. 

 

“I regret the way I reacted to that, I really do. And I’m sorry,” Toni’s eyes are wet now, too. “You fucked with my head though, Shelby. You lied about your past all the time— about your job and about how you grew up. You never fully let me in our whole relationship!”

 

“You need to realize that I didn’t do anything to you, Toni! It wasn’t about you! I’m sorry for not telling you, but that was my past— my past. You can’t keep holding shit that over my head.”

 

“Well, I might never be able to!” Toni’s watery eyes shine bright and a few tears fall before she quickly wipes them away.

 

“You’ve got some serious fucking issues,” Shelby shakes her head, sadly. “Your walls reach the fucking sky and you’re going to be miserable forever if you run away the second anyone in your life fails you.”

 

Toni stands in front of her now and the backdrop behind them matches the dramatics of this conversation. Shelby doesn't know who is the wave and who is the rock, but they are crashing into one another regardless.

 

“Fuck, Shelby,” Toni sniffs. “I need time.”

 

“I don’t think you need time. The only thing you need is a time machine, but we’re not getting one of those.” Shelby stands up a little taller, even though it hurts to move more than an inch. She doesn’t need time and fuck Toni for asking for it. Fuck her for not standing by Shelby’s side when her whole world was ending.

 

“If that’s what you really think, then fine,” Toni’s eyes are glossed over, now staring out to the ocean.

 

That water out there is freezing and Shelby wonders if they were to just cold plunge straight in, would they come out clear-headed and ready to wash everything away? Or just be cold and sopping wet— still stuck in the roundabout, same place.

 

“I guess we have nothing else to say to each other,” Shelby’s voice breaks. She doesn't have to look at Toni to see that she’s brushing away more tears. 

 

Two broken-hearted girls with regrets and pain they’ve endured long before they met each other, coming together and leaving further apart than they began.

 

They get in the car, silent the whole drive back, and when Toni drops off Shelby at her car, she thinks it could very well be the last time she’ll ever see her. An earthquake could strike right now and her knees wouldn't know the difference. The floor could very well be falling out from underneath them, but in a way, it already has.

 

“Goodbye, Toni,” she says, climbing out of the car. She’s on autopilot, willing her feet to move one step at a time.

 

Toni rests her head on the steering wheel and looks deflated. Like today has taken every last breath out of her.

 

“Bye, Shelby.” Toni’s eyes are wet again, shining in the late afternoon sunlight.

Notes:

well i'm sad how about you?

to everyone who leaves comments and love, thank you- you're the reason I can keep writing this story <3

Chapter 22

Shelby is out to lunch with Fatin when she gets the call she’s been waiting for her entire life. The call she’s dreamt about ever since she was a little girl, hiding between clothing racks in the department store.

 

Vogue. Shelby’s been hired to style the cover shoot.

 

The call went a little something like this:

 

“Hello?” 

 

Shelby chewed her panini quickly, wiping the corners of her mouth. Fatin made a face at her for answering her phone at the table.

 

“Yes, that’s me.”

 

Shelby lifted her shoulders up in confusion, just as lost as Fatin looked from across the table.

 

“Oh.” Brief pause of silence. “OH! Hello, yes, of course! I— It’s so nice to hear from you.”

 

Shelby threw her napkin at Fatin’s face. She covered her phone’s microphone and mouthed Oh my God.

 

“What?” Fatin asked, startled.

 

Vogue, Shelby mouthed. Fatin’s eyes widened.

 

She pressed her ear to the phone again. “Are you really? Yes. Emphatically yes. I would be completely honored.” Shelby answers, almost laughing because, of course she’s going to do it. She’s only thought of this very moment since she was a fetus.

 

Fatin looked impatient, foaming at the mouth for information, so Shelby mouthed the word cover while pointing to herself a bit violently in retrospect.

 

Shelby could tell from the look on Fatin’s face that she didn't understand.

 

Back on the phone, Shelby gave them a few mhmms and a yes, of course, and wrapped up with a what’s the wardrobe budget? They don’t have one because it’s Vogue. Fucking Vogue.

 

“Thank you so much. Bye, talk soon.”

 

She hung up the phone. 

 

Now, she places it face down on the table, as she and Fatin share a brief moment of silence while she wrestles with what is currently reality versus fantasy.

 

“So,” Shelby nods, assuring herself of the truth. “I’m styling the cover of Vogue. The photoshoot’s next month. Cover will be out in two.”

 

Fatin screams, which makes Shelby scream, and then they are both screaming. The whole restaurant looks at them in absolute terror, and the waiter rushes over, asking them to be quiet.

 

“Sir, she is going to be on the cover of Vogue,” pointing at Shelby with a rather accusing finger.

 

“Well, technically, I will not be on the cover, but I am choosing the clothes for it,” Shelby explains to their waiter. He looks to be a college-aged boy who does not give a single shit about the details of Shelby’s professional life.

 

“Okay, sure. Just keep it down. You are disturbing everyone around you.”

 

Both Shelby and Fatin scrunch their faces up, offended. 

 

The girls whisper, “They should be so lucky,” and “Rude,” at the same time. 

 

They proceed to order the most expensive champagne off the menu and get a bit drunk off the ice-cold bubbly. Fatin loves day drinking and has always been a semi-bad influence on Shelby.

 

“Do you think Anna will be there?” Fatin asks, downing her glass.

 

Anna Wintour, that is.

 

“I don’t think so. I bet she glances it over before yelling at someone to fetch her a steak.”

 

Fatin nods, “Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada probably made the real Anna look like Mother Teresa.”

 

“I used to visit the New York office all the time. You can hear interns crying on every floor. Condé Nast takes up over twenty-four floors in the World Trade Center. That’s a lot of crying interns,” Shelby lifts her glass, and they clink to all the tears and crushed dreams of interns everywhere.

 

“Who’ll be on the cover?” Fatin asks.

 

“I don’t know, but they said two models,” Shelby lifts two fingers up to emphasize her point. “Not one, but two.”

 

They make some faces at each other that read something like are you fucking kidding me? and I know right?!

 

“Speaking of,” Fatin tilts her chin. “When exactly do you plan on letting someone back into your vagina with those two fingers?”

 

 Shelby pulls her head back in shock.

 

“That’s disgusting. So crude of you, Fatin.”

 

“Bite me,” Fatin rolls her eyes.

 

“Really, so unladylike,” Shelby takes a sip of her champagne. She'd love to order another bottle, except this one was $300. Meanwhile, Fatin looks at her, waiting.

 

“I am currently in an intimate relationship with my vibrator,” she admits.

 

“I know. I hear it buzzing through the walls, like, every single night. Talk about being unladylike,” Fatin gives her a pointed stare.

 

Shelby doesn’t think that’s true. She hopes it isn't and just rolls her eyes.

 

“I thought you’d be ready to move on after your fight with Toni,” Fatin says, gentler now.

 

“I am ready,” Shelby nods. She doesnt think that’s true either, but this time, she hopes it is.

 

… 

 

Toni all but vanishes from Shelby’s life after their fight.

 

The week after their conversation on the PCH, Shelby replayed the interaction incessantly from the second she opened her eyes in the morning to the moment she closed them at night. She let herself cry for all the ways she kept losing Toni. She cried for somehow managing to lose her for what felt like a second time. This crying was from a duller, more hollow drum of pain compared to the sharp stabbing from their initial breakup. This kind of hurt sat deep in her belly because there was a finality to it. The universe was trying to give Shelby closure when she did not want it nor did she accept it. 

 

Two weeks in, Shelby told herself that it was time to accept it once and for all. She was finally too dizzy from the hamster wheel of denial, manic crying, and anger she’s been trapped in. She made a promise to herself to close this terrible chapter. She didn't have to pick up an entirely new book, but this grim chapter, defined by heartbreak that she’s lived in since her breakup, must stay closed.

 

At that point, it was still difficult for Shelby to fall asleep without scrolling through old photos of Toni on her phone before bed.

 

After three weeks, Shelby became very good at rerouting her thoughts. Like when a toddler reaches to grab a pair of sharp scissors, so you quickly hand them a toy instead, shaking it in front of their face like it’s the best thing to ever exist on the planet. Shelby did that to herself a lot. When she was annoyed at Toni’s stubbornness and defensiveness, she forced herself to go on a walk. When happy memories of them at various restaurants, nights in, or weekend trips pop up, she decided to reorganize her shoes. When she remembered Toni’s head on the steering wheel, eyes defeated and sad when she said goodbye, Shelby forced herself to scroll on TikTok until she forgot.

 

A month came and went, and by the end of it, Shelby got very good at curbing her thoughts. The near-constant ache in her chest settled. It did not disappear, but it also did not act like a near constant reminder of Toni, or rather the absence of her. The loss of Toni still lived within her, and there were moments when Shelby relented on this tactic before she was reminded that Toni is not ready to give her the kind of love she needs to receive. A kind of love that doesn't have impenetrable walls built up around it. A love that Shelby shouldn't have to wait for until Toni’s ready to forgive her.

 

By the end of the month, she had deleted all the photos of Toni from her phone. It felt like a funeral where Shelby was the only attendee.

 

She did it in the middle of the night after she let herself scroll through the hundreds— more like thousands— of selfies, mirror photos, and candids she had of them together and of Toni alone. 

 

She hadn't shed a single tear in almost a month, but she let herself cry while she said goodbye to those photos that showed the patchwork of their relationship. It may seem extreme to throw away evidence of perfectly innocent, happy memories, but Shelby was being held captive by all the hope they dared to promise. She theoretically flushed all her pills down the toilet.

 

…

 

It’s really quite poetic how the whole thing comes together.

 

Preparing for the Vogue shoot, she moodboards until her fingers feel like falling off. She sources material from old Vogue s because she’s somewhat of a purist and Pinterests until her eyeballs almost pop out of her head. 

 

For photoshoots with other publications, Shelby usually has to put in some legwork to secure all the clothing. Pulling samples, negotiating prices, arranging pick-ups and drop-offs (yes, styling is actually a much harder job than it seems). But, this is Vogue, meaning Shelby barely has to lift a fucking finger for anything other than the creative.

 

Over the wild past few months, Shelby’s creativity and overall drive have plummeted. When she used to work with Toni, she unknowingly had a direct muse— inspiration in human form. Every bit of Shelby’s creative output emerged on Toni’s body. Admittedly, she’s been struggling to find her niche ever since.

 

But, for fuck’s sake, this is Vogue and Shelby recognizes that it’s the most significant moment in her career thus far. There is minimal no room for the inconvenient fact that Shelby lacks any and all inspiration. She’s been given free rein, which is usually amazing, but recently, Shelby’s been working well within the confines imposed on her by “big magazine.” At present, all the instructions Shelby’s been given are that her cover will feature two models (The theme has something to do with the duality of femininity?) and she’s been encouraged to pull from certain designers.  As a conversation within the fashion industry, the duality of femininity is kind of overplayed, but it’s what Shelby has to work with. 

 

There’s too much riding on this job for every single detail not to be executed to perfection. 

 

Sitting on what the creative direction should look like for weeks now, she becomes more and more anxious as the day approaches. She flies out to New York in three days and needs to have everything packed and ready to go by then. 

 

Shelby even takes up yoga, so she can use the hour-ish long class to meditate while contorting her body like a pretzel. 

 

It’s while sweating through a dolphin plank (not as cute and aquatic as it sounds) where her former muse regrettably walks into the forefront of her mind— all nonchalant and casually gorgeous as per usual. As hard as she’s worked to re-route any and all thoughts of Toni, she lets herself file through the mental catalogue of Toni’s wardrobe. After all, she is running out of time, and Shelby isn’t in love with any of the samples she’s pulled so far. So, she lets herself cheat and she breaks the “No Toni” rule to ponder strictly on the brunette’s closet. Whatever, her method of thought-curbing was rather unsubstantiated, anyway. She files through the archive of all her favorite Toni looks (there are so many of them) and, of course, that makes her feel things she hasn't felt in over a month. 

 

Shelby folds over into downward dog, following the instructor’s lead, and all the blood rushes into her head. Shelby doesn't think she likes yoga very much. And when she pushes down into a plank position again (ouch), the idea rushes into her head just like all the blood. 

 

She has an idea and it’s brilliant. The entire spread practically formulates itself as drops of sweat drip down onto her yoga mat.

 

There’s really no surprise that  the pathways of her creativity have led her straight to Toni. Two models. Duality. Opposing, yet balanced. So much chemistry that all air, space, and time gets sucked out when they’re in a room together— only the two of them exist within it. So connected you don’t know where one ends and the other begins when they are side by side. 

 

And yes, she’s said goodbye to Toni a thousand times in a million different ways— all painful, all interminable. But, a proper ending—no, an homage—to the beautifully nuanced experiences that was their relationship? Hasn't happened yet. One more goodbye, a different kind of goodbye that doesn't involve tears and regret and anger, sounds like a pretty good ending to Shelby if she had to pick one.

 

Three days later, she flies to New York with an indestructible confidence in tow which rivals that of a CEO who never gets told no, taking home millions for fucking hookers and snorting cocains in his office all day. 

 

…

 

About a month later, Shelby stands in her shared apartment with Fatin and holds a physical copy of the magazine in her hands. She balances it delicately in between her hands like it's a holy object, and for Shelby, it’s just that.

 

On the cover, two girls sit in a treehouse reminiscent of the one still standing in her parents’ backyard. One brunette and one blonde, as per Shelby’s request. The blonde wears a white dress that’s a little too short. A gemstone crucifix hangs off her neck. The brunette has the most perfect pair of jeans you’ve ever seen hanging off her hips. Blue button down tucked in all slouchy on one side.

 

If that sounds familiar, it’s because it is. Toni and Shelby wore the same outfits on the day Toni met her parents for the first time. The only time. Shelby had dressed so ridiculously for the occasion, trying to prove some convoluted, deep-rooted point. Kind of like an overgrown toddler with the dress, paired with a flashy crucifix to remind Dave of how unaligned she still was with his “values.” And then Toni. The personification of casual coolness, but in a weirdly tailored way that only works for her. 

 

The treehouse, because it’s… a clean slate from all bad things in the world. A symbol of childlike wonder. A place where you’re not conscious of adult responsibilities, disappointing your parents, or having your heart broken. A fresh start in another life where they won’t get one. Even if she really pissed Toni off when they last stood under that treehouse. This kind of rectifies that whole fucked up fight, no?

 

Toni, by the way, recently began the press tour for her new movie. A few days ago, an interview clip dared to invade Shelby’s social media, and she scrolled so fast, the algorithm got the hint and has yet to show anything related since. A little birdy by the name of Fatin mentioned Toni hired a new stylist, and Shelby pretended not to care, instead of picking off all the skin around her nails.

 

The whole idea is a proper send-off of what they once had into the universe. For a long time, Shelby held it close to her chest. Actually, she clung to it feverishly, fought all her instincts to let it go. After her breakup, she lived half in and out of the real world, existing within the dreamscape of her memories. 

 

The one word that keeps popping up in Shelby’s head is proud. She’s proud of her younger self for overcoming all the terrible things she both endured and did, turning her life around to work really fucking hard in fashion— the first thing she ever loved. She’s proud of herself for how she’s handled the news about her real father and restructuring everything she’s ever known about her family life. She’s proud of herself for falling in love and opening her heart with no bounds, even if it means she fell apart, almost lost herself, in the harrowing process. 

 

Shelby looks down at the cover of Vogue she styled, and sees Shelby Goodkind printed in a little white font and does a little ballerina twirl because she’s overwhelmingly happy, carelessly giddy, and home alone, so Fatin won’t tease her for it.

 

Right on queue, Fatin is home early and, of course, she forgot her keys like always. It’s a weekly occurrence by now. Shelby regularly has to open up for Fatin when she gets home and starts knocking on the door repeatedly like a deranged, crazy person (because she is) just how she is now.

 

 So, that’s why it takes Shelby a second to recalibrate life when she opens the door, blinking at Toni Shalifoe standing on the other side of it.

 

…

 

She quickly rushes Toni in, hastily, as if she isn't supposed to be here or shouldn't get caught doing so. But, really, Toni shouldn't be because they are broken up and the last conversation they had ended in tears for both of them. Shelby hasn't heard a word from Toni in two months. They are practically strangers to each other now.

 

Shelby lets go of her grip on Toni’s arm once they are safely inside. She briefly digests that it's the first time they’ve touched since breaking up and swallows, rerouting the thought as quickly as it appeared in the way she’s gotten really good at by now.

 

When Shelby pulls back, she can see that Toni is out of breath, almost like she rushed to get over here. A copy of Shelby’s Vogue is gripped tightly in Toni’s hands, knuckles white and tight. 

 

“What are you doing here?” Shelby asks. There’s no point in masking the shock in her voice.

 

Toni’s eyes are wide with her own shock which confuses Shelby that much more because Toni’s the one who showed up here, unannounced, for some unbeknownst fucking reason. Those brown eyes, which are still the most mesmerizing eyes Shelby knows she’ll ever have the pleasure of getting lost in, are glossed over, almost in a daze. For one short second, Shelby wonders if Toni is on drugs, but discredits the theory because Toni would, like, never.

 

“It’s us,” Toni says matter-of-factly, holding up the magazine. Toni’s breath is returning to normal, and, wow, Shelby cannot believe she’s in her apartment right now. Should she offer her a glass of water? Some tea? What’s a girl to do when her ex-girlfriend storms into her apartment with zero context on some bizarre mission to, well… Shelby’s not sure.

 

“Inspired by us, but yes,” Shelby nods. There’s no point in lying since it’s painfully obvious, and Toni was very much present the day they wore those exact outfits.

 

“Fuck,” Toni lets out. With the gall to start pacing the floor of her apartment, Toni’s hands are indignantly on her hip, magazine still gripped tightly in her hand, like she’s the confused one in this situation. Shelby just stands by the entryway, not knowing what else to do.

 

“Toni, what are you doing here?” Shelby asks again, eyes tracking movements her now.

 

“This,” Toni lifts her arm, shaking the magazine, “This is fucking amazing and I’m so happy for you. Your name is on the front cover— look!” Toni points at her name, still pacing, and Shelby’s never seen her manic like this, “Seeing this and reading your name on the cover made me cry like a damn baby because I’m so, so happy for you. This is your dream and you’re getting everything you ever wanted, and I’m just… happy for you.”

 

Toni stops in her tracks, shoulders sagging. “I just wanted to say I’m really happy for you.”

 

“You could have just texted me,” Shelby lets out a breathy laugh, rubbing her neck a little.

 

“I know, I know— I’m sorry. But I saw this at the supermarket and drove here without thinking. Basically ran over because I needed to tell you. It’s stupid, I know. And I’m sorry,” Toni rambles.

 

“Um, thank you,” Shelby smiles a little. Shelby doesn't know what else to say, so she gestures toward the coach, silently asking Toni to sit down. Toni doesn't, instead she dawns a nervous frown and stares down at Shelby, who sits down on the couch alone.

 

“I fucked up, Shelby.”

 

“It’s okay that you came. I appreciate—”

 

“No, I… I fucked up with us,” Toni admits, voice all raspy.

 

Oh my god.

 

“What?” Shelby looks into Toni’s eyes, but she’s out of practice in reading her. Off the bat, Shelby reads her as painfully genuine, truly, and as if this pains Toni to admit this. Not painful to confess, but to have held it in for… however long. 

 

If Toni assumes Shelby will be the next to chime in, she must really have lost her mind, so she motions towards the space in between them, silently telling Toni to take the floor.

 

“It’s us,” Toni points to the cover of the magazine. “Every time I try to move one, there’s a sign from the universe that tells me not to. I’ve been non-stop lately— I haven't had time to think about us or how I miss you. But, today— today is my one day off, so I go to the fucking grocery store and bam! There you are!” Toni waves the bound stack of glossy paper in the air.

 

Oh my god.

 

“Our doppelgangers are on the cover of fucking Vogue and your name is plastered on the front!”

 

Shelby could only imagine that her eyes have gone wide to a cartoonish degree. She’s inadvertently lured Toni with these photos, and she couldn't have predicted this in a million years.

 

“I’m… sorry?” Shelby winces.

 

“This cover is the best thing to ever happen in the fucking world and it’s us,” Toni shakes her head, walking over to the couch and plopping down across from Shelby. “I’d give anything to be sitting in that treehouse together with your butt cheeks hanging out from the bottom of your dress so annoyingly.”

 

Oh my God.

 

If Shelby were a more reserved and composed person, she’d withhold the information she’s about to share, but she isn't and Toni is in her home saying that she misses her and her butt cheeks, so everything is fucked up regardless.

 

Shelby clears her throat, “I recently found out that my father, Dave, isn't my real father. Turns out, my mom used to be engaged to another man who’s my actual dad,” Shelby all but word-vomits. She keeps eye contact with Toni as she watches the panic in her eyes turn to shock, then compassion over the course of Shelby’s startling sentence.

 

“Are you serious?” Toni blinks.

 

Shelby nods, “It’s crazy, I know. My real dad, well, he died—” Toni’s hand flies up to her chest, and the magazine tumbles down to the floor. 

 

“Shelby—”

 

“It happened in a car crash before I was born. Apparently, he was, like, the great love of my mom’s life.”

 

“I’m so sorry, Shelby,” Toni's eyes roam her face, processing the new reality Shelby’s been dealing with. “How did you find out? When?” she asks, needing to know everything.

 

“My mom told me. I was… not doing well at the time. And I don’t know what she saw in me that night to make her come clean, but she did, and I was shocked, of course. But, also not entirely? We cried together, and I held her for a long time. I wanted her to feel okay and that I wasn’t, like, mad at her for keeping this from me. I’ve also kept things from the people I love, so that they don’t get hurt.” Shelby peers over at Toni, silently communicating what they both know she means by that.

 

“And Dave has always known I’m not his. Definitely part of the reason why he’s always hated me. My whole life was probably this big reminder that my mom settled for him when she was secretly carrying another man’s baby. I was always a burden. The fact that we never got along— that I didn't morph into this cookie-cutter little homemaker he expected me to be— just had to have pissed him off that much more.”

 

Toni’s eyes are wide and a tear sits at the bottom of her eyelashes. Shelby doesn't feel as emotional about it anymore because she’s accepted that this information is the missing puzzle piece in the mystery of her life. She gives Toni a small smile to let her know it’s okay. That she’s okay.

 

“Don’t be sad,” Shelby shakes her head. “I finally have an answer. It’s better knowing that none of it was my fault. No matter what I’d do, who I’d love, or who I’d become, it would never have been good enough. It’s his ego that turned him into a shitty dad, and it’s my mom’s grief that made her into a ghost of the woman she used to be. I’m mostly sad I never got to meet that version of her.”

 

“I’ve officially relinquished my daddy issues into a graveyard of family trauma. I’m good. I’m moved on,” Shelby lets out a deep breath, letting her shoulder relax.

 

“Wow. You're… just wow,” Toni blinks away the almost-tear. 

 

Toni continues, “Well, first off, fuck Dave. Leave it to the pride of an insecure man to make everyone else’s life harder— ” Toni rolls her eyes and Shelby couldn't agree more, “— As for your mom, can I just take a second to be kind of upset for you? You seem okay about it, and I totally get how it was hard for her. But you didn't have anyone protecting you, Shelby. That’s what parents are instinctively supposed to do.”

 

“Yours didn't either,” Shelby says, lifting her shoulders up in defeat.

 

“No, they did not. But, I’m me. I’m used to it, and you’ve been dealing with all of this alone.”

 

“Toni,” Shelby gives her a look. “Just because this is something you’ve dealt with your whole life doesn't make it any less okay.”

 

“And I haven't been alone. I’ve had Fatin,” Shelby reminds her. 

 

Toni gives her a sad smile her eyes match perfectly.

 

“Shelby, I think you’re the strongest person I’ve ever met.”

 

Shelby tilts her head, slightly shy at Toni’s words. Doesn't say anything except a quick thanks with her eyes.

 

“You’ve changed so much.” Toni’s eyes are full of what can only be described as wonder.  “I’m trying to change, too, but I’m slower at it.”

 

“You’re just as capable of moving on, but I think you’re still too angry,” Shelby says casually, as if she hasn't already considered the inner workings of Toni’s mind privately and at nauseam.

 

“I don’t want to be angry anymore,” Toni says in a raspy whisper, sounding so, so tired.

 

“You want my advice?”

 

Toni nods.

 

“Let yourself let it all go. Being angry doesn't keep you safe, Toni. You’re being crushed under a big dump truck of resentment. Either say goodbye to your mom in a very final way or… choose to forgive her and rebuild a new kind of relationship with her. Say everything you’ve ever wanted to say to her— yell, cry, do whatever you need to do. And then let that shit go.”

 

“When did you get so wise?” Toni props her head up with her arm, leaning on the back of the couch. Shelby matches her movement.

 

“A girl broke up with me, then I found out I have a dead dad. I’m on therapy TikTok, obviously.”

 

Toni laughs. They both do. Their laughter only fills the air for a few moments before they let themselves sit in a shared seriousness and melancholy sort of hope. It’s a few moments before Toni breaks the comfortable silence.

 

“I was an idiot that day in Malibu. I’d already forgiven you by that point, but was scared of what saying it out loud meant.”

 

Shelby’s breathing picks up. Heart does a little pang against her chest. It’s awful what this woman does to her, isn't it?

 

“Yeah, those walls of yours are a real bitch,” is what Shelby settles for. Neutral and non-committal.

 

“Mind if I let them down for a second?” 

 

Shelby nods because it’s only what she’s dreamt of for the past four months. She shits her legs underneath herself, settling in, and Toni allows herself to do the same.

 

“Every day since we broke up has felt like the worst day of my life. I know I made the call to end it, but the going back and forth, convincing myself it was the right decision, ate me fucking alive. Couldn't watch TV or movies because all blondes made me cry, and green eyes made me want to disappear from the face of the planet. I couldn't get dressed because what was the point if you weren't doing it for me? I stayed at the old loft for weeks after I moved out because it held so many memories of you and of us. I couldn't let any more of us go. The apartment was empty, but I still slept on an air mattress on the floor because it was the same room I used to sleep in next to you. I lowkey hate my new house because it feels so weird that you’ve never seen it. The only traces of you are in a little box under my bed that I’ll never be able to throw out. Fuck, if there was a fire, it’d be the first thing I grab.”

 

It would be the easiest thing in the world for Shelby to just lean forward and kiss Toni. To grab her by the collar of her shirt and crash their lips together. To crawl into her lap and place her hands on Toni’s face, kissing her in a way that tries to make up for all the time they lost together.

 

She can communicate everything she needs to say in the push and pull of their lips, and she knows it would probably work, too.

 

Of course, that’s what Shelby wants, but instead, she forces herself to stay put because she needs Toni to make her way back to her on her own.

 

“It’s taken me a really long time to be okay, Toni.” She bites down on her lips in the way she wishes Toni was doing. Toni looks down at Shelby’s lips and Shelby’s vagina does a back handspring.

 

“You need to tell me whether I should keep… getting… more okay, or if I can finally stop trying to forget you.”

 

Toni’s eyes look back up to Shelby’s eyes from her lips after wetting her own.

 

“I don’t want you to forget. I don’t want you to keep moving on.”

 

Shelby nods because same.

 

They touch for the second time since breaking up when Toni moves closer, grabbing hold of Shelby’s hand in both of her own, stroking the back of it steadily with one of her thumbs. They get closer when Toni’s hand grazes up her arms, lightly stroking the skin of her forearm, over her elbow, and even further up her arm. 

 

Shelby shifts closer. Close enough that she can reach Toni herself, rubbing circles into Toni’s knee while still having Toni’s fingernails lightly rake over the skin of her arms. She makes lazy circles on Toni’s knee and dares to roam a little further up, but not by much. She’s not emboldened yet to go any higher than a safe place on Toni’s thigh.

 

Toni’s eyes are calm and careful, but also curious, so Shelby lets herself look down at her lips and watches them part the slightest bit. She soaks in the feeling of once again having Toni’s breath against her skin, even if it’s not in quick pants or as close as she’d like it to be. She wonders if that’s how this afternoon will end, and she’s never been more turned on in her entire life.

 

She doesn't get the chance to find out because they jump apart when Fatin opens the front door to their apartment. They literally end up on opposite sides of the couch with Toni sitting down on her hands and Shelby clutching her chest.

 

Fatin’s eyes land on them in a rather incriminating stare.

 

“What the fuck’s going on here?” Fatin looks around the room like she’s looking for more unexpected guests or witnesses to the scene in front of her.

 

“Nothing,” they say at the same time. Shelby and Toni’s heads snap towards each other.

 

“Okay, um, wow. Not on my bingo card for today.”

 

Fucking ditto, Fatin.

 

“I was… leaving…?” Toni says, but really asks with the way her voice slightly rises and she tilts her head. She’s leaving it up to Shelby.

 

Shelby looks from Toni to Fatin in a tennis match-like fashion. Taken out of the incinerating heat of their bubble, Shelby’s immediate thought is to panic. She can still feel the lingering touch of Toni’s hands on her. How could she just jump back into Toni’s addicting orbit after one measly productive conversation?

 

It physically pains her to say, “I think so, yeah.” 

 

She apologizes to Toni with a singular look, which Toni absorbs and quickly accepts with an understanding nod.

 

Toni picks the magazine up off the floor and awkwardly points to it for Fatin’s sake, “Had to stop by and say congratulations.”

 

“Sure,” Fatin concedes before remembering the concept of privacy and heading to the kitchen to eavesdrop. Shelby’s sure of it.

 

“Thanks for coming and thanks for the talk,” Shelby smiles, small but genuine.

 

“Thanks for the advice, old wise one.”

 

She and Toni walk out together, both lingering at the doorway

 

“Can I— I don’t know… call you?” Toni asks before leaving.

 

“You can call me,” Shelby nods her head, hoping that she does.

Chapter 23

Apparently, Shelby and Toni text now.

 

Casual messages have bounced back and forth in a near-constant stream since the day Toni visited her apartment in a damn near frenzy. Their conversations mostly revolve around silly videos and random tidbits about their respective days. The words themselves might not hold a lot of weight, but Shelby still feels like she holds the whole goddamn world in the palm of her hand lately.

 

The door of communication with Toni isn't necessarily blown wide open. It’s only nudged slightly ajar to the point where Shelby can peek her head in and give a friendly wave.

 

A couple of months ago, Shelby would have dove headfirst into a pile of cement just to find out what Toni was eating for lunch. Now, Toni will send the occasional photo of her meal (yesterday it was an Italian sandwich from Roma Market), and Shelby feels jealous of deli meat stacked between two pieces of bread.

 

She has a feeling Toni missed chucking all her nonsensical streams of consciousness at Shelby and missed hearing hers in return. She feels vindicated in the irrationality of having missed Toni so viscerally after their breakup. 

 

The newfound access to her ex-girlfriend’s life makes Shelby want to do naked cartwheels in a field of tulips. She doesn't know why she has to be naked; she just does. Seeing Toni’s name on her phone is a twofold feeling. For one, there’s the rush of elation that comes with each ding and the slight eroticism Shelby feels while she waits for Toni’s next text with bated breath.

 

There is a silent mystery dancing within the lines of their conversations that constantly keeps Shelby on her toes. It’s not lost on Shelby that it feels like the early stages of a relationship. When each text is meticulously crafted, holds hidden meaning, and portrays each person as an elevated version of themselves.

 

Other times— rare but still present— the current dynamic with Toni makes her heart stumble into a pit of snakes. The possibility that Toni’s next text could be the last is terrifying. Toni might decide that it’s not healthy for two exes who are very much still broken up to be texting like this. Or worse, she can simply lose interest.

 

All that to say, if Toni takes longer than usual to respond, Shelby prepares for the big fat au revoir Toni is, theoretically, planning to launch straight to her gut. Then, Toni will miraculously text back with a perfectly acceptable response, and all is well in the world again. 

 

Sometimes, Shelby thinks it’s rather sad how obsessed she is with having Toni back in her life. After all, for all intents and purposes, Toni is a perfectly platonic friend.

 

She hasn't physically seen Toni since their last conversation, with a little too much touching on the couch. But their current lack of proximity is fine with Shelby because, in all honesty, she prefers it this way. 

 

For the time being, Shelby wants them stuck in time just as they are.

 

Factually speaking, every time they see each other post-breakup, something goes horribly wrong. On both sides, feelings get hurt, dark confessions are made, and the world usually implodes at Shelby’s feet. 

 

The Vogue spread was an accidental siren call. Shelby meant for it to be a bookend on their story, offering closure and creative liberation. Instead, it’d been laced with some sort of medicinal healing properties that mended a fracture in their hearts and their relationship. Toni all but asked Shelby not to give up on them. Not to give up on her. 

 

It is undeniable that when Toni visited her apartment, a spark of something hummed between them. Shelby was a magnet being pulled back to its opposite. 

 

But now, Shelby is too much of a chicken shit to dive back in.

 

So, while Shelby enjoys the texting and the banter, she wants to keep it this way for now. Because if there’s a world where Toni and her get back together, fully and without secrets this time, and they still don’t work out despite it all, Shelby will never, ever, recover.

 

…

 

The longer they wait, the weirder it gets. For weeks now, they’ve existed as some iteration of digital pen pals. Toni will imply they should do something together— physically and in the real world (the gall?!)— and Shelby will pitifully evade the invitation.

 

For example, Toni sent her a photo of a painting by an artist Shelby had never heard of.

 

I’m into this painting. I don’t usually get art because… seriously? I could paint that too if you gave me a bottle of wine and a blindfold. But I like her stuff

 

I like it too :) and LOL

 

She is having an exhibit downtown next week. Want to check it out?

 

Sounds fun! I have a busy week… Can I keep you posted?!

 

She never did.

 

The week after that, Toni went on a rant about the lack of good bagels in Los Angeles. 

 

I mean WTF?!?! What’s a girl gotta do to get a decent bagel around here?!?!

 

Fuckkkkkkk I’d kill for a bagel

 

SAME

 

Soft. Chewy. With an appropriate and ladylike amount of cream cheese

 

Stop. I’m salivating. And a little aroused

 

Lol shut up

 

Fuck it. Should we go get bagels? Like right now??

 

I wish :( I’m leaving now to get lunch with Leah

 

Shelby was not, in fact, doing that at all.

 

The very next day, Shelby’s phone vibrates on the bathroom counter as she applies a face mask. It’s one of those thick and delicious masks that promises to take years off your life. Once she sees Toni’s name buzz on her phone, she wipes her hands on a towel to read whatever marvelously witty thing Toni has to say to her today. 

 

My film comes out next Saturday. You’re coming to the premiere. I already checked with Fatin and you’re free. So don’t bullshit me, Shelby Goodkind. 

 

Dolby Theater at 8 pm. Be there.

 

Well, shit.

 

… 

 

Shelby considers herself to be a relatively tidy person. This, of course, does not apply when she is getting dressed. No matter the occasion, her creative juices work best amidst a messy bedroom. Extra points for having to walk over piles of clothing on the floor.

 

So, just imagine the state of Shelby’s bedroom as she gets ready for Toni’s premiere.

 

Yes, she bought three new dresses for tonight. Yes, she suddenly hates each of them. Yes, she is going into a state of panic because tonight, she must look better than she has ever looked in her entire life. 

 

Fatin walks into her room as she lies in a fetal position on the floor.

 

“You should wear the Versace dress. It’s perfect,” Fatin says from the doorway of Shelby’s room.

 

“The red is too much,” Shelby says from her place on the floor. “I almost look too good. Like in an obviously hot kind of way.”

 

“That’s never stopped you before.”

 

She hears Fatin’s footsteps move closer and closer until she feels a bony hand grip her arm. Shelby begrudgingly stands on her feet before Fatin drags her up by the arm.

 

“Alright, alright,” Shelby grumbles, smoothing out her fresh blowout.

 

“Exactly. Your ridiculousness shouldn't have any impact on your very cool, very chic lob haircut.”

 

Which, by the hair, Shelby really has come around to. There’s no denying she can pull off literally anything, and her hair length is no exception.

 

“What would I do without you?” Shelby genuinely asks before throwing her arms around Fatin’s neck. Shelby nuzzles her nose into Fatin’s neck like a newborn kangaroo might do to their mother’s gross little pouch stomach. Shelby knows Fatin will hate that since she’s not a huge fan of physical affection.

 

“I genuinely don’t know,” Fatin pulls back after a few seconds, done with Shelby’s love. “Poor Toni will be taking over for me again soon.”

 

Shelby scoffs, “Don’t be ridiculous. We are not getting back together.”

 

“Oh, please,” Fatin rolls her eyes and sits down on the edge of Shelby’s bed. “Try not to insult my intelligence like that again.”

 

Shelby walks back over to her closet, titillated now from the Toni-talk, and holds her dress for the evening in front of her body.

 

“Fine. I’m wearing it.”

“Atta girl. Go give her hell.”

 

… 

 

Shelby rides to the premier in a town car that Toni hired for her tonight. This tidbit of information is really, very sexy. It’s a baller move on Toni’s part and makes Shelby feel wooed and pampered and horny. 

 

She thinks of Toni the whole ride over and it feels like the car’s leather seats are actually just Toni’s hands cupping her ass. She’d share that thought with Toni if they breached flirtatious territory, which Shelby isn't opposed to, by the way.

 

Shelby is wearing an archival Versace dress from the 90s. Floor-length with spaghetti straps. Simple, but rather complementary to the tits and ass. 

 

She knows what she’s doing, and Toni doesn't stand a chance.

 

When she pulls up to the curb of the theater, someone opens the car door, and Shelby climbs out. She is immediately blinded by cameras, but the intense flashing lights remind Shelby to keep a smile plastered on her face. It’s harder than it looks, considering how lights going off in your face is not pleasant, especially when you're not expecting it. Shelby isn't usually the one having her picture taken.

 

Her bravado and sailing confidence quickly dwindles because it feels like she’s been cast out to sea and she’s a small fish in a big ass pond. The cameras persist and she even hears her name called out once or twice.

 

It hits her. Having her picture taken at such a public event after the horrible article makes Shelby dizzy with discomfort. And suddenly the thought of seeing Toni is not soothing because, well, since when is seeing one’s ex ever relaxing? The answer is never. 

 

She stands awkwardly at the edge of the red carpet before she’s suddenly swept away by a familiar face.

 

It’s Rachel. 

 

Rachel, whose neutral face and steady hands guide Shelby past all the press with a hand on her lower back. With each step into the building, the noise from the crowd quiets down, and Shelby’s nerves dissipate. With Rachel around, Shelby’s always felt like everything will be alright because she is a person who really has her shit together.

 

Once they are swiftly and safely inside the lobby, Shelby pulls Rachel into a vice-like hug. She doesn't care if things are weird between them or if the physical embrace seems out of the blue. She hugs Rachel fiercely and without mercy because she’s missed her deeply. 

 

Rachel hugs her back, which feels like its own triumph, and when she pulls away, it’s with a small smile on her face. Rachel’s presence floods her with a sense of nostalgia—  a relic from her past life.

 

Rachel looks her up and down before saying reassuringly, “I’m glad you’re here.”

 

“Me too,” Shelby nods.

 

“I’m sorry about everything that happened,” Rachel apologizes, skirting around the public reckoning of Shelby’s past, her and Toni’s breakup, and her being fired as a result.

 

Shelby always assumed that Rachel hated her guts after the whole incident. 

 

In the trenches of her heartbreak with Toni, she didn't give herself any space to lament the lack of closure on her relationship with Rachel. Shelby accepted that part of Rachel’s job is to protect Toni from the scrutiny of the public eye and eliminate anyone who fucks with that. Shelby caused a problem and was effectively removed from the situation. Rachel is very good at her job, and Shelby never resented her for it.

 

“Thanks. And it’s okay,” Shelby shrugs. “I’ll have you know, I’ve healed since.”

 

Rachel leans in to whisper, “And I’ll have you know. The new girl isn't as much trouble, but she’s got nothing on you.”

 

Shelby’s mouth drops open. This confession is like Christmas morning.

 

“I can go home now. That’s all I wanted to hear.”

 

Rachel laughs, “Oh no, you can’t. For some reason, your ex-girlfriend thinks it’s a good idea to have you here.”

 

“I’m assuming you're not as convinced,” Shelby guesses.

 

“No, I’m not. Sorry— nothing personal. Things got messy, and I was there when Toni was… a mess. I’ll leave it at that.

 

Shelby feels her cheeks heat up. She doesn't know why, but her comment makes Shelby feel embarrassed. She forgets Rachel has seen the good, the bad, and the ugly of their relationship, and it makes her feel exposed in a way she doesnt like feeling in front of anyone except for Toni and Fatin. 

 

Being back in this part of Toni’s world— the cameras, the opinions, the outside noise— is not Shelby’s favorite. When she doesn't know what to say back to the brutality of Rachel’s truth, she just lamely nods, pretending to be okay with it.

 

Rachel’s face softens, “I will say, Toni is really happy you’re friends again.”

 

Friends. What a weird word.

 

“Yeah, me too,” Shelby says, but it comes out in a whisper. 

 

She allows herself exactly half a second before plastering that fake smile back on her face. Toni is, indeed, her friend, and she’s done too much healing over the past few months to go back to living in delusion when it comes to her. She’s going to see her friend Toni in a matter of minutes, and Shelby looks fucking amazing for the occasion.

 

Today is doing her fucking head in.

 

Rachel puts a hand on Shelby’s shoulder and gives it a gentle squeeze, “Listen, I’ve got to run. I need to talk to that producer over there.”

 

Rachel narrows her eyes at the gentleman, and it doesn't look like whatever she has to say is complimentary whatsoever. Shelby would feel bad for him, but she’s never felt bad for a man, like, ever.

 

“I’ll see you in there?” Shelby asks hopefully.

 

“Yeah,” Rachel answers, but she’s distracted now, looking off towards the other side of the room. “Toni should be here soon.” 

 

Rachel gives her one last farewell pat and beelines for her next target.

 

Now, Shelby is alone. With people whizzing all around her, she surely will recognize someone, anyone at the premiere. Hollywood is just a big small town.

 

But she doesn't know a single soul in this room, and before she can allow herself to feel silly, she saunters over to the bar because it’s more socially comfortable to stand alone at a bar than it is in the middle of a crowded room.

 

She orders a glass of wine because hard liquor is off the table. This will not be a belligerent affair, and Shelby plans to be on her best behavior this evening. She figures she’ll know when Toni arrives based on the level of commotion in the room. 

 

While she waits and sips on her wine, a male movie star, very famous and very attractive, hits on her. She can’t blame him, but little does he know she’s an absolute mess of a woman for tonight’s leading lady. The interaction takes up about five seconds of her time, and afterwards, she pretends to look busy on her phone.

 

Wishing Fatin were here to keep her company, Shelby grows more on edge by the second. She doesn't like being alone during these serious events, so she orders another wine to make her less lonely.

 

Finally, after what feels like an eternity, an absolute uproar breaks out. Shelby knows Toni has arrived based on the noise level alone.

 

From her spot at the bar, Shelby can see outside the theater’s big double doors, which are wide open toward the red carpet. She has a clear view of Toni walking the carpet and the sight in front of her makes her vagina go into cardiac arrest. Sorry, her heart— her heart goes into cardiac arrest.

 

Toni is wearing archival Chanel. Let’s repeat— Toni is wearing archival Chanel. She recognizes the dress from photos of Claudia Schiffer wearing it in the 90s, and it’s so good that Shelby feels her soul levitate outside her body. Black lace with a corset bodice and layered skirt that reminds everyone in the room who the movie star is.

 

Shelby wishes she could hate this new gremlin of a stylist’s work, but there’s no denying that Toni in that dress is some kind of dark magic. Toni in a dress does scary things to Shelby.

 

She is so beautiful, it’s almost unfair. Shelby watches on as Toni waves, smiles, and poses in a way that feels unreal, like watching an angel grace the presence of mere mortals. Toni smiles at the photographers like they’re long-lost friends and answers interview questions as if they’re the most interesting conversation she’s ever had. She pushes her hair over her shoulder in a sexy, nonchalant way and walks with the grace of a figure skater across the carpet. It’s so contradictory to the Toni she’s seen in the early mornings, or wearing sweatpants with holes in them, or with tears pouring down her face. Her version of Toni is private, sacred, and all hers.

 

For the first time tonight, Shelby’s smile is genuine and proud. She is filled with soft elation because Toni is doing what she was born to do and is succeeding so grandly. Isn’t that one of the greatest wishes you can have for someone you love? And not love love. Just normal life love. Because no matter what, Shelby does and always will love Toni.

 

As Toni walks down the carpet and moves closer towards the theater’s entrance, Shelby quickly smooths down her hair and adjusts her dress, making sure the ladies are sitting up nicely. She downs her glass of wine to free her hands in preparation to greet Toni. Finally, she won’t be alone, twiddling her thumbs and waiting for something, anything, to happen.

 

Toni makes it inside with security at her back, escorting her inside the building. Someone who is definitely a publicist stands at her side, talking to her seriously and Toni listens and nods, still smiling, ever the professional. 

 

Shelby watches on as someone with a headset approaches Toni next and walks her over to another group of people with more headsets and clipboards and chit-chat. Shelby feels stupid for watching and waiting for Toni to look for her because she knows she’s working. She’s been to these events before and they are always meticulously timed and pre-planned with lots of important people to thank profusely until your tongue falls off.

 

So, Shelby waits and looks down at her phone, always keeping an eye on Toni’s whereabouts in the room. She takes more pictures and selfies with people and someone hands Toni a glass of champagne she downs in one sip while Shelby stands alone on the opposite side of the room, waiting for Toni to notice her. Typically, in these situations, they share some sort of magnetism. Glances across the room and an indescribable energy pulls them towards one another. 

 

Was Toni bluffing about her invitation? Did she not think Shelby would show up?

 

The superpower they once shared is somehow dimmed. That gravitational pull is broken, which means Shelby herself is broken, it seems.

 

She spots Rachel approach Toni, who leads her into a room closed off for the cast. The door shuts behind them, but really, the door is slamming in Shelby’s face.

 

Shelby should never have come. She should have stayed in their text bubble of jokes and selfies and witty observations— not out in the wild where the powers that be enjoy reminding Shelby that everything has changed.

 

In her heart of hearts, she knew that by taking this step, life would crawl in between all the cracks that still remain between them. She’s told herself to prepare for an awful discovery or a fight they can’t come back from.

 

She never in a thousand years imagined they’d lose the very essence of what makes them, them.

 

She may sound ridiculous because they haven't even locked eyes yet or spoken, and Toni is working and there is much being demanded of her this evening, but Shelby somehow can’t help but feel like this would have never happened before. Toni didn't so much as turn her head in search of her. Instead, she downed a glass of champagne, threw her head back and laughed, and waltzed around the room like the supposed prima donna she’s now become. Perhaps, she’s lost her entirely.

 

Between the cameras, the press, the vapid cretins crawling around this place, and utter lack of attention, Shelby just wants out. Stuck in the mess of her mind, Shelby barely registers that the crowd is slowly shuffling into the screening room— she must have missed the announcement for everyone to take their seats. She stays back, watching the room slowly empty out, contemplating whether she should stay or leave before anyone can see.

 

Fuck it. The only reason she showed up was to see Toni and Toni clearly doesn’t give a fuck whether she does or not. So, she makes the rash decision to get the hell out of here and be back home in pajamas before Toni even remembers her existence.

 

She walks out of the theater with her head held high and a fire in her belly. Reaching into her bag for her phone, Shelby calls an Uber while silently cursing out Toni in her head. What a fucking disappointment tonight was.

 

Shelby walks past the now-empty red carpet— all the photographers and press have finally vacated— to stand on the curb and wait for her car. Black cars and limos wait out front, but those are not for her. They are for all the celebrities inside whom Shelby can’t stand at the moment.

 

Heels click on the pavement behind her, and she knows who it is based on intuition alone. And the pathetic fact that she’d know the rhythm of those steps anywhere.

 

She would know them in a remote corner of the world. She would sense them in a dark room with her hands tied behind her back. She would recognize them if her mind were wiped clean and she couldn't remember her own name.

 

She turns to find Toni staring back at her with wide, suspicious eyes.

 

They are only standing a few feet apart from each other, and, by the way, the dress is even more gorgeous up close. Shelby rolls her shoulders back and resists the urge to cross her arms in front of her chest. 

 

“What are you doing?” Toni asks. 

 

“Leaving,” Shelby responds curtly.

 

“And why is that?” 

 

“I came here because you asked. Now, I don’t want to be here anymore.”

 

“It feels like you’re pissed at me, which is impossible considering I haven't said one word to you.”

 

Toni’s tone matches her own: dry and defensive. Her perfect face pinches like Shelby’s a puzzle she can’t figure out.

 

“Exactly. And, yes, I am quite pissed at you,” Shelby looks out onto the street because she refuses to lose her stamina by looking into Toni’s eyes. Those things are dangerous.

 

“What are you talking about, Shelby? Can you clue me the fuck into whatever it is you want to say to me.”

 

Shelby doesn't like how Toni is talking to her, so she turns up the bitchiness dial. “You know, I never should have come here tonight.”

 

“Why is that?” Toni asks, clearly annoyed now.

 

“Because I don’t look like this—” Shelby animatedly gestures to herself with a frantic hand, “—to be ignored.”

 

Toni looks at her like she’s completely lost her mind. Eyebrows up in her hairline, and her mouth pulled tight. Good. She should be taken down from that little pedestal she’s so high and mighty on.

 

“What exactly do you think is happening here, Shelby? I am working. I’m not hiding from you in a corner at your birthday party. I am fucking working!”

 

“You invited me, Toni. It would have been nice to at least say hello!”

 

“Oh my God, Shelby. You sound insane. I would have said hello if it weren't for the fact that— I don’t know— this is a $300 million movie, and certain things are asked of me, and I can’t just disappear to talk to you all night.”

 

“I think you’re a diva and all the fame has gone to your head. You’ve changed, and the Toni I knew would’ve hated this circus.” Shelby argues, digging her heels into the pavement.

 

“Jesus Christ. You’re talking out of your ass, Shelby. I do hate this circus, but I’m a professional and this is part of the job!”

 

“Well, have fun with all of that. I have no business being here anymore.”

 

Toni shakes her head at Shelby as if she’s a small child, “If you haven't noticed, this is a big night for me. Thanks for being an ass and making it all about you. Appreciate it.” 

 

“Fuck you,” Shelby fires back, hearing the venom in her own words. “It can go back to being all about you now because I’m leaving.” 

 

She checks her phone to see how far away the car is, hoping to get the fuck out of here as soon as possible. She wishes Toni would go back inside and leave her the fuck alone.

 

“Fuck you, too,” Toni fires back without a missing a beat. Toni points at the car conveniently parked behind them on the street. 

 

“And don’t call a fucking Uber. What is that shit. This one’s my car— take it.”

 

A massive black Cadillac, because, of course it is. And she says she’s not a diva. 

 

Shelby rolls her eyes, “Fine. Have a pleasant evening.”

 

“Whatever,” Toni's eye roll matches her own. She opens the car door for Shelby to get in the backseat and tells the driver to come back after dropping her off.

 

Shelby climbs in and plops herself in the seat, glaring at Toni through the open car door, and for a fraction of a second, she thinks she can hate Toni for all of this. She can hate her for not dropping everything and seeking her out, even though Toni is right (only technically), and this is a work event for her. She can hate Toni for making her act all crazy and feel heightened emotions that aren't really what she's feeling at all. 

 

Shelby had all these grand expectations for tonight and they all went to shit the moment she stepped out of the car and that first camera flashed in her face. Her vibe was thrown off and any minor detail could have sent her into a tizzy. All around, tonight was forced and the environment was too formal and organized a setting for kick-starting their relationship back up. They were placed on uneven playing fields and the weight of that fucked Shelby up. She wishes she could press delete on the whole evening, but now it’s too late and everything is ruined.

 

“You’re aware this is all very stupid, aren't you?” Toni asks. Her knuckles are white from where they grip the door.

 

“It’s not stupid, Toni,” Shelby shakes her head. “This was a mistake trying to pretend like we could be friends. We’re fucked.” 

 

Shelby lifts her chin a bit higher. “Can you close the door, please?”

 

Toni nods slowly and her eyes are filled with an unmistakable worry. Probably worried that they are, indeed, colossally fucked up. She closes the door with a hard slam and Shelby’s left with cold silence and the look in Toni’s eyes burning into the back of her soul.

 

Five seconds later, not even enough time for the driver to press on the gas, the car door opens back up.

 

Before Shelby can ask what it is she wants, Toni is shuffling inside and urging Shelby to scoot down the bench to the other side.

 

“Scoot over,” Toni says plainly, like she’s exhausted of explaining herself.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“Just drive, please, “Toni says louder to the driver. “Thanks.”

 

Toni pushes a button on the roof of the massively obnoxious car and a screen rises between them and the driver. Since Toni wants to be left alone, Shelby guesses she’s in for some more fighting. Great because she’s in the mood.

 

They turn to face each other and Shelby feels the car begin to move. The windows are tinted, so she can’t see outside for shit.

 

“Toni, what the fuck are you doing?” Shelby asks, her voice raised out of some strange habit. She doesn't know how they got to this place where yelling and fighting is their default setting.

 

“I’m leaving with you!” Toni raises her voice now, too.

 

“Turn the car around and get out! You need to get back inside— aren’t you giving a speech?”

 

Shelby finds it hard to believe that she’s explaining this when Toni so obviously needs to get back to the premiere. There’s no world in which Toni can ditch tonight to fight with Shelby in the back of this car while they aimlessly drive around.

 

As much as Shelby craved Toni’s affection tonight, she certainly didn't want her to blow the entire thing off and get in trouble with the studio.

 

Rachel was right. It was not a good idea for Shelby to come tonight.

 

“They’ll live,” Toni says, matter-of-factly. She smoothes out her perfect dress, fiddling with the lace nervously. 

 

“Stop rubbing the lace. You’ll make a hole in your 90s archival Chanel and Karl Lagerfeld will roll over in his grave,” Shelby barks at her.

 

“Of course you’d know that,” Toni says with an eye roll. She pins Shelby down to her seat with a heavy glare. “Why are you acting like this?”

 

Shelby does not appreciate that comment. “I’m sorry that I demand, like, a second of your time, Toni. You know, it’s a real mind-fuck to be invited to an event by your ex-girlfriend and then not receive a simple ‘hello.’”

 

Shelby continues, sharper this time, “I mean— what kind of game are you playing at?”

 

“Game?” Toni’s eyes widen and Sheby can tell that she didn't like that one bit. “You think I’m playing a fucking game?! You’re the one lying about being busy all the time, but then when you do want to see me, you’re pissed I’m not giving you enough attention.”

 

“You’re missing the point!”

 

“Well the fuck aware of that.”

 

And because she’s lost in her anger, and quite frankly, the point of this conversation, Shelby says, “Every time I see you, I’m reminded why we are not back together. We’ve lost the plot entirely.” It’s a nonsense lie and she knows Toni knows it because she said it with as much bravado as a newborn puppy.

 

“Well, same. I forgot how impossible you are sometimes,” Toni says. 

 

They are forced by gravity back into their seats as the driver pushes on the brakes a little too hard. Shelby remembers they are in the backseat of a car instead of a solitary planet of their own making. If that were the case, they probably wouldn't be in this mess to begin with. 

 

“You really need to get back. You’re kind of the main event of your ‘$300 million movie’ as you said so humbly.”

 

Toni ignores her question and points a rude finger at her, “I hate whatever it is you’re doing right now. Stop pretending like I’ve sold my soul to the devil when you don’t even believe that’s true.”

 

That fires Shelby back up, so she scoffs dramatically, “Okay, gaslighting much! Look, everyone, she’s a toxic gaslighter trying to tell a woman what she feels!” 

 

“I’m not toxic— you’re delusional!”

 

“You’re the worst and we’re not friends anymore,” Shelby smiles fakely because she knows it’ll annoy her.

 

“And you’re batshit crazy,” Toni yells back.

 

Shelby is about to launch into a tirade about her rudeness, callousness, and otherworldly audaciousness.

 

I mean, who the fuck does she think she is talking to her like that? The mouth on her is unbelievable.

 

But then, somewhere, somehow, Toni’s mouth is actually on her. 

 

Technically, Toni made the first move when she grabbed Shelby by the neck and pulled her roughly over the empty middle seat. But, then again, Shelby did grab onto Toni’s face first, so she’d better be able to push their faces together.

 

Once their lips are sliding against each other’s, all bets are off and Shelby quits keeping score. 

 

Doesn't take long for Toni to massage her tongue against Shelby’s bottom lip for Shelby to open up for her. It's a proper old-school makeup session in the backseat.

 

 They really are very, very good at this. 

 

She presses Toni’s body with her own into the seat and kissing her feels like she’s been slowly dying and now she’s finally hooked onto a life-saving IV.

 

Shelby thinks they would have stopped fighting a long time ago if they’d just kissed sooner.

 

It’s a mess of hands and lips are being bitten, and hair is being gripped into. It’s not cool or polite. It’s unhinged and rough, and pretty uncomfortable because there is only so much room in the backseat of the car.

 

Toni fixes that problem by pulling Shelby onto her lap. Now straddling her, Shelby has better access to that mouth and Toni has more room to roam her hands wherever she wants. They kiss like it’s not funny and like they're done fighting for the sake of fighting. Toni’s hands cup her ass like she’s over the minutia and niceties of pretending like this isn't right where they belong.

 

Shelby moans into Toni’s mouth, which is a bit embarrassing considering they’re only kissing, but then Toni pushes one of Shelby’s dress straps down her shoulder, so Shelby doesn't find it embarrassing anymore. Toni pulls the rest of her dress down her chest and doesn't need permission to do so because Shelby’s grinding her hips down onto Toni’s in a very obvious way.

 

Toni’s mouth does what it does best on her chest, so Shelby reaches down between them and rubs her hand against where Toni’s underwear is hidden underneath her dress.

 

It’s with Shelby's dress pulled up around her waist that Toni pushes inside of her. She gets well and thoroughly fucked all while straddling Toni, breathing hard into her mouth and clinging tight onto the headrest with one hand and a handful of Toni’s hair in the other.

 

Toni makes her finish using one hand to push two fingers inside of her and the other hand to work circles on her clit.

 

Toni’s good with her hands like some kind of lesbian magician.

 

The driver hits a speed bump and Shelby nearly hits her head on the roof, which makes both of them laugh breathlessly for just a second, but not for any long because, again, none of this is funny and Shelby just came in Toni’s lap in the backseat of a car.

 

And because there’s no time for playing coy, Shelby climbs right off Toni’s lap and onto the floor, on her knees, in between Toni’s legs. She can feel the car’s rumble underneath her knees as she pushes the fabric of Toni’s skirt up over her hips.

 

Settled in between Toni’s thighs, she moves Toni’s underwear to the side and doesn't stop using her mouth until Toni is writhing and breathing heavily, how Shelby was a few minutes ago. After she makes Toni finish with her mouth, it’s a race for one more round, except now they are fighting for who will go next.

 

They are tangled up in the backseat, kissing with a push and pull that’s aggressive in the same way it’s like crawling into clean sheets after a bad day.

 

When Shelby tries to lay Toni's body down on the backseat, Toni takes her hand out of Shelby’s mouth and uses a wet finger to caress her bare chest. When Shelby reaches down to push inside of Toni, Toni pins her wandering hand to the headrest.

 

With Toni’s mouth and hands all over her,  Shelby doesn't think about premiers or cameras, breakups or heartache, fighting or being friends. She only knows that, tonight, she will be making up for lost time in kisses and dirty talk and orgasms, until she is physically incapable of moving anymore. She means that in the most ladylike way possible.

Notes:

so... were you expecting that? tell me, tell me, tell me

Chapter 24

Shower sex is not as sexy as the movies make it out to be. Shelby would know. Throughout her short, yet very long, life, she has tried it loads of times. Against the wall. Facing forward. Facing backwards. Both in the direct stream of water and out of it. There’s no way around it— something about potentially slipping and falling makes your vagina shrivel up and die. No matter what, she scarcely finishes. That is, like, maybe one time ever with Toni forever ago.

 

And right now, of course. Toni has just given Shelby an orgasm that might be permanently seared into her brain for the rest of time. Therefore, Shelby makes a mental addendum to her previous opinion on shower sex: orgasms are indeed possible if you’ve gone five months without having sex with the love of your life, and this is your first time christening the house together.

 

Toni spins Shelby around to face her, gently because of the aforementioned slippage, and Shelby instinctively slips her arms around Toni’s neck to bring her in for a long kiss. Toni holds her tight, in no rush to move or go anywhere until the water runs cold. There really isn't much to say that they haven't already said in kisses and touches and long, lustful looks.

 

The premiere? Ditched. The car ride? Sex filled. They got dropped off in Toni’s driveway (bless that poor driver), and Shelby didn't think twice about following Toni inside. They ran in giggling with the trains of their dresses dragging behind them.

 

Shelby didn't get a good look around the house because she was rather occupied, what with her roaming hands and lips dragging ferociously down Toni’s neck. Though there is one wall at the entrance she got fairly acquainted with, seeing as Toni had her pushed up against it for a while.

 

They organically ended up in the shower. No bed, no couch— just straight into the water to cleanse themselves of all the shit they’ve waded through, tirelessly, for months now. 

 

Shelby couldn't tell you who peeled off whose dress, where their shoes ended up, or where her phone is, for that matter. She doesn't need it.  Any text or call she’ll receive from here on out is entirely irrelevant. The only person she cares to communicate with is pressed up against her with wet skin and hands wandering further down south.

 

She doesn't know where this stamina has come from, but there is a never-ending well of want spilling out all over the place. She knows they’ll probably go at it for a while longer, but Shelby misses Toni’s voice and the way it wraps around her and grounds her back down to Earth. She catches Toni’s hand before it crosses dangerous territory.

 

Toni gives her an apologetic look. As if she has anything to feel sorry about— that silly girl with flushed cheeks and water falling from her eyelashes down onto her face.

 

“Hi,” Toni says, voice raspy as ever. There is a tired and happy expression on Toni’s face that Shelby thinks might be her favorite Toni face on her to date.

 

“Hi,” Shelby returns, giving her hand a squeeze.

 

“Is this real life?” Toni asks, still smiling.

 

“Think so,” Shelby nods shyly. 

 

She knows her eyes are currently filled with all the stars she’s prayed to over the last few months. The ones she pleaded with to lead her back to Toni in one piece with a mended heart.

 

Toni smiles with a gentleness that Shelby hopes she’ll use when handling her heart from here on out. Shelby is about ready to hand it over, willingly and without hesitation. She recognizes the stars in her own eyes staring back at her in Toni’s. They are brown and wide and they’re home. They’ve always been her home. Even before she thought it was possible to dig into someone’s soul and build a life there. Before she realized that’s what they were doing to each other all along. She was an absolute goner the second Toni walked into that coffee shop and offered her a job. Funnily enough, that isn't what Toni offered her at all. She gave Shelby her life’s purpose to roam the planet every day being loved by this woman who has an endless supply of love to give.

 

“It’s a good life,” Toni says, smiling wider now. She places a kiss on the tip of Shelby’s nose.

 

“The best life,” Toni says, kissing her right cheek, then the left. Tonight, Toni is kissing every square inch of her like it’ll all crumble away if she stops. Shelby feels the panic in every press of her lips; she doesn’t think Toni’s lips have left her body for more than a few seconds since they first started kissing in the car.

 

“Fuck, I missed you,” Toni places her forehead against Shelby after another press of her lips, this time softly on the mouth. 

 

“I missed you, too,” Shelby admits because there really is no point in lying or playing any sort of cool when someone has you as naked, wet, and undone as Shelby is right now. She has well and truly been undone by Toni in every way.

 

“I hated it. Hated every day away from you,” Toni's perfect mouth turns slightly downward, which Shelby detests, so she presses a reassuring kiss against it. But she can’t help it when she asks the next question with a bit of an upturned eyebrow. 

 

“Really? Hated it that much?” Shelby teases, giving her her best puppy dog eyes. She’d never want Toni to live in the sadness of her memories, but she’s trying to prove a point here for goodness' sake.

 

Toni rolls her eyes, “Yes, really. A lot if you must know.”

 

“Like you regret ever breaking up with me?”

 

“Oh my God, Shelby,” Toni laughs, shaking her head. “If I could go back in time and handle it differently, I would—” Toni turns serious now. “—but I needed the time apart.”

 

Shelby frowns and pushes some hair out of Toni’s face. She still isn't crazy about Toni needing the time apart. Toni notices in the way she tilts her head, leaning into Shelby’s touch to reassure her that this is where she wants to be now.

 

“I’ve been fucked up for a while now, Shelby. I needed to learn the hard way that running away doesn't mean I can just shut feelings off. And that trying to shut those feelings off wasn't necessarily healthy or very nice to you,” she pokes Shelby in the ribs. 

 

“I’m working on it,” Toni looks into Shelby’s eyes, searching for understanding, forgiveness, or maybe a glimpse into the future.

 

“It took having sex to finally get you to that conclusion?”

 

“No—” another poke in the ribs. “I was going to tell you tonight that I was ready to get back on track. After the screening, I was going to take you out and tell you that I’m ready to work on getting back to where we were. You’re just a major brat who ruined my plans when you didn't like not having my full attention.”

 

Shelby’s mouth drops open.

 

“Excuse you!” Shelby shuts the water off, cold now. “Let’s not go back to our old adversarial ways, please.”

 

“God, we fought like hell, didn't we? We’re real bitches when we want to be,” Toni lets out a laugh, leaning out the shower door to grab them a towel.

 

“We’re much better when we like each other,” Shelby allows herself to be enveloped in the warm towel Toni holds open for her. She steps into it with her full heart, brimming to the top with a quiet hope.

 

And strangely, Shelby is glad for it. She doesn't regret all the fighting and the hurt they hurled at each other in those moments. It’s a sign she’s over the old fear of disappointing Toni. That anxiety of keeping secrets and worrying she’ll be diminished to the very worst of her used to weigh so heavily on her when they were together. She used to be so scared of knocking them off kilter with her threatening past, and that pedestal she’d kept Toni perched on loomed over her like a dark shadow. So, fuck it— they might not be conventional, but they sure as hell are evolved.

 

…

 

Toni is asleep upstairs while she wanders the house alone. Shelby couldn't possibly sleep.

 

They lay in bed for hours talking and stealing kisses, heads sharing one pillow because neither of them could bear any space between them. Toni drifted off into sleep holding Shelby’s hand in her own, and as Shelby tried to do the same, her brain worked in overdrive with a million thoughts a minute.

 

She tells herself that she’s just thirsty and will quickly pop into the kitchen for a glass of water, but really, she’s acquainting herself with the unfamiliar space.

 

Over the course of their time apart, Shelby imagined this house with an unhealthy degree of fascination. There was the one time she drew out what she pictured to be the floor plan on a blank sheet of paper. Or all the other times spent memorizing the listing on Zillow. Shelby knows exactly the amount of square footage in this home, what year it was built, and, of course, how much Toni paid for it. Let’s just say Toni is doing quite well for herself.

 

Shelby peeks her head into what looks like an office. There’s a big oak desk sitting in the middle of the room, and a bookshelf enveloping an entire wall is filled with books and awards.

 

Next, she finds the living room, which they passed on their way in. The couch is reminiscent of a cloud and the space is cozy, but clean. Even in the dark, Shelby can see mid-century modern armchairs, green plants, and framed pictures littering the space and giving it life.

 

Wood-beamed ceilings and authentic crown molding make up some of the bones of the home. She can’t say for certain in the dark, but the walls seem to be painted in muted and warm colors— no stark whites, which can so often make a home feel cold and unlived in. 

 

She passes a dining room, but that one makes her sad for all the meals she hasn't eaten in it. She walks past it swiftly until she finally finds the kitchen. 

 

Moonlight pours in from the windows, casting shadows on the countertops that Shelby smooths her hands over. The space is not huge, which accurately reflects Toni’s cooking ability. She’s always preferred ordering in. Isn't a massive fan of dishes or cleaning up in general.

 

The home is a modest size, but Shelby has a feeling Toni prioritized the land and canyon views. Toni has always been a sucker for a good view.

 

Footsteps pad softly down the hallway, so she hears Toni before seeing her. Shelby hurriedly looks around for a glass, opening cabinets so she appears thirsty instead of stalkerish, when Toni walks in.

 

“Sorry—” Shelby looks at Toni’s shadowed frame. “—I came down to get some water, but I don’t know where the cups are.”

 

Toni silently walks over and pulls one out of a cabinet that Shelby had already checked. 

 

“It’s okay, just wondering where you went,” Toni says groggily, as she fills Shelby’s glass with water. 

 

As she watches Toni move around the space, Shelby is hit with a sharp need to discover what’s inside every cabinet, where every light switch is, and how the water pressure varies from room to room. She wants to familiarize herself with every nook and quirk of this home— Toni’s home.

 

Shelby chews on her lip, watching Toni move closer towards her in the dark.

 

“Are we back together?”

 

When Toni reaches her, she places the cup down on the counter and wraps her free hand around Shelby’s waist, drawing her in.

 

“Is that what you want?”

 

“Well, yes. I feel like that’s obvious by now,” Shelby tries not to roll her eyes.

 

She doesn't get an answer from Toni, who leans in close, softly biting Shelby’s earlobe instead of appeasing her fast-beating heart. Her cheeks grow hot when Toni places a quick series of kisses down the side of her neck. This woman will be the death of her, she swears it.

 

“Toni,” Shelby softly scolds, leaning slightly away from Toni’s lingering mouth, meaning business. Toni has the audacity to be all smiley, teeth and all, when she pulls away to look down at Shelby. 

 

She finds herself looking up to meet Toni’s gaze, not because they have a height difference, but because, at this moment, she feels so very small.

 

“I want that too,” is what Toni says in return, infuriatingly vague.

 

“Okay, so…” Shelby feels one of her eyebrows go up, but she doubts Toni can see her puzzled expression in the dark.

 

“I just need time—” 

 

Shelby freezes at her words, cutting Toni off from whatever stupidity is going to leave her mouth.

 

“Are you fucking joking, Toni? After everything, you’re still not sure—”

 

“Shelby,” Toni says louder this time. “I need you to not freak out on me, alright? I want to be with you. Of course I do,” Toni finds her eyes, holding them intensely as they glow in the darkness around them. “I don’t need time to think about whether I’m in or not. I just need you to not be impatient for one fucking night and let me come back to you how I planned before we started fucking in the backseat of a car, yeah?”

 

Shelby will never ever admit how hot she finds it when Toni speaks to her with mildly-aggressive authority. It could come down to the decades-old father issues and general lack of parental— actually, you know what? Nevermind.

 

Shelby looks down at the arms that hold her against the only person she wants to be pressed into forever. 

 

“I’m not letting myself fully fall for you until I know you’re all in,” Shelby admits in a whisper so soft even the night’s shadows might not hear her confession.

 

Toni lifts her chin up gently, guiding Shelby’s face up towards her, and she finds a serious look on Toni’s face.

 

“I’m sorry, Shelby,” Toni looks sad and in pain and broken for all the ways Shelby’s been broken the last few months. “I’m sorry, I didn't believe in us when you always did.”

 

She doesn't know she’s crying until Toni wipes the tears from her face. Toni holds her face preciously in her hands and casts away all her tears before peppering kisses on the patches of wet skin.

 

Shelby says it’s okay by leaning into Toni’s touch, nudging her head against Toni’s hand and kissing the inside of her wrist.

 

“I don’t want anyone else but you,” Toni brushes her thumb along Shelby’s cheekbone.

 

She squeezes the arm that holds her close before stepping out of the warm embrace she craves more than anything else in the whole goddamn universe— more than success, more than happiness, more than family. You see, she’ll have all of that with Toni by her side anyway. 

 

“Until you promise me the kind of commitment and reassurance I need, I can’t do this.”

 

She walks away because this is too important not to get right this time.

Chapter 25

Shelby doesn't spend the night at Toni’s.

 

As she walked away, she felt her resolve loosen with every creak in the hardwood floor. The dark stillness of the night tempted her to stay, almost as much as the big empty bed in Toni’s bedroom she was leaving behind.

 

She felt Toni’s annoyance in her every breath as she revealed she wasn't going to stay the night. They didn't raise their voices as they argued back and forth— Shelby insisting she go home and Toni begging her to stay— but Shelby could see in every line of Toni’s face that she was hurt by Shelby’s decision to leave. Toni doesn't seem to understand that there’s too much at stake for one wrong move when their future is so unclear. 

 

So, Shelby left, even though it was nearly impossible to walk away. But one thing is having sex and another is waking up next to one another in the aftermath of their escapades. The daylight takes no prisoners. She refuses to wake up in the morning, vulnerable with the sunrise, without the validation that Toni isn't going to run again— she just won’t fucking do it.

 

Toni unequivocally wants her back and Shelby for the love of God cannot understand why she won’t fucking commit already. This wasn't an issue for them the first time around when they fell into a relationship with fearless I love you ’s, unwavering commitment, and all the defining labels that mean something to Shelby. Shelby wants more than anything to feel hopelessly belonged to and wrap herself in Toni’s love, feeling secure and steady.

 

Until Toni gets her shit together and is ready to love her in the way she must from here on out, then Shelby is distancing herself from the brunette with a big heart and lots of love to give, which Shelby’s apparently scared her from doing.

 

…

 

In her resolve not to fall into blurry territory with Toni, Shelby lays out strict guidelines for how the two of them are to exist within each other’s orbit. The day after they have sex, she tells Toni as much in a long text that details the conditions of their new dynamic. 

 

No more funny business

No sleepovers

No alcohol because we’ll get handsy

Seeing each other during the day is preferable

Also in public spaces!

No kissing, no touching. I will have no choice but to reciprocate— so don’t do that. thx.

 

Shelby isn't a fan of Toni’s response, nor of her blatant insolence towards the rules.

 

Such a pain in the ass

 

FYI don’t need alcohol to get handsy with you 

 

Also, FYI going to kiss you wherever I want. thx.

 

The confidence in this woman is maddening, and it’s really no wonder she has Shelby entrapped within her evil clutches. 

 

Toni keeps texting her and Shelby keeps ignoring her. Most of her messages delve into flirtatious territory, which Shelby pretends to want no part of. Toni can’t talk to her like a girlfriend, but keep her only as a friend with added benefits.

 

It’s been a few days since their reunion and it’s taken just as long for the soreness between Shelby’s legs to wear off. Fatin doubled over, cackling like a maniac, when she saw Shelby walking around their apartment like a baby deer learning to use its legs.

 

She is determined to keep busy in order to starve off the need for Toni’s affection. Until they lock it down— no skipping around their feelings and no being stuck in a limbo of will they, won’t they— Shelby will stay strong just to prove to Toni just how serious she is about the parameters of their relationship.

 

In more than just an effort to fill her social calendar, Shelby is branching out into familial territory.

 

Shelby has a wealth of complicated feelings and resentment towards her family, which is obviously nothing new. What is new are the steps to reparation she’s taken in the relationships with her mom and siblings. Ever since revealing the truth of who Shelby’s real father is, Jobeth has been making some sort… effort… if you could call it that… with Shelby. Meaning, she checks in on Shelby like three times a day with phone calls that Shelby finds equal parts annoying and comforting.

 

These phone calls are awkward because, as you can imagine, neither one of them knows how to fall into an easy rhythm of mother-daughter rapport. But her mom is clearly trying very hard to be some sort of presence in her life and though Shelby doesn’t quite need it anymore, she does regrettably find her mom’s voice over the phone to be a place of annoying solace. 

 

What comes more easily to Shelby is her relationship with her younger siblings. Shelby thinks she would have been a fabulous big sister if given the chance to fully flourish in her childhood home. Looking back, she never got the chance to grow into the role, what with all the psychological warfare Shelby battled for years and years. What she lacked in love for her parents, she never lacked for her siblings. 

 

Ironically, she’s been approaching her siblings in a similar manner to how her mom is encroaching on her. Not as acutely pathetic, but she has been making more of an effort to give off a ‘big sister energy’ towards her siblings.

 

Shelby has taken her sister out to lunch exactly twice since her mom broke the news about her father. Before this, they’d never hung out in such an intimate capacity, which Shelby knows is really fucking sad, but it’s not her fault they have a large age gap and her parents never gave her affection, okay? Each time they go out for lunch, she lets her younger sister pick the time and place, and she’ll pick her up outside of their mother's house quite chivalrously. She never tells her mom that she’s coming by or that she and her other daughter even hang out. But if her sister decides to tell their mom, then it’s really not Shelby’s problem or concern. 

 

Presently, this afternoon is Shelby’s third lunch date with her sister. It's been three days since she’s seen Toni and walked out of her home.

 

Shelby pulls up to the outside of her childhood home and puts the car in park as she shoots her sister a quick text to let her know that she’s waiting in the car. Drumming her fingers on the steering wheel, waiting for her sister to walk outside, she notes how she’s taking longer than usual. But again, it’s no concern to Shelby. Plus, she really doesn't mind considering it’s a nice-enough Saturday afternoon and she’s got nowhere to be after this.

 

A few more minutes of the radio humming in the background, air conditioning blasting to its maximum effort, and everything is perfectly perfect. Serene, even.

 

That is until Shelby’s breath catches in her throat, eyes widening to bulging saucers, as Toni—yes, Toni—walks right out the front door to her childhood home. Hallucinations of grandeur officially hit Shelby upside the head when Toni turns around on the porch to hug—yes, hug— Shelby’s mother around her middle. The two women look real friendly for only having met once, according to Shelby’s calculations.

 

Shelby’s outside the car in a matter of seconds, slamming the door so loudy behind her, she’s pretty sure an alien living on fucking Jupiter hears it close. She storms across the lawn, stopping just short of the stairs up to the front porch.

 

“What is going on here?!” Shelby yells immediately. Her arms cross tempestuously, shielding her from whatever nightmare is playing out in front of her. She blurted out the words before she could remember that brains have filters and they should be utilized in moments such as this. 

 

She sees Toni whisper a silent fuck under her breath, as she turns to face Shelby head on.

 

“Shelby…” Toni warns her like she’s some sort of rabid dog about to pounce. Toni looks at Jobeth beside her, whose hand is covering her mouth in shock, and gives the woman a small, apologetic smile. 

 

“Toni, what the fuck are you doing here?” Shelby asks again.

 

“Shelby, don’t freak out, I’m—”

 

“I am past the point of freaking out! Tell me what you’re doing here right now!”

 

“I can’t tell you yet.”

 

And Shelby screams. Like properly screams in the street, stomping her heels on the ground and throwing her head back in a tantrum rivalling that of a five-year-old. In her defense, she can’t help it— it’s been a long few months. 

 

Toni’s head is pulled back in disbelief, but her eyes shine with a bit of amusement that Toni reserves only for her. For some reason, Shelby looks to her mom for help, as if she’s ever clued her into anything a day in her life. She spots the vague silhouette of her sister standing in the window, watching everything unfold.

Her heart drums too fast for her little chest, like a hummingbird’s wings on steroids, and Shelby wonders how young is too young to have a heart attack.

 

She crosses the lawn to stand closer to the porch steps from which Toni steps down, so they’re now at eye level.

 

“This is insane! You are fucking insane!” Shelby shouts, losing her shit.

 

“Yeah, I’m the insane one,” Toni says. Shelby can see the lengths she’s going to rein in her reaction, probably due to her mother still standing on the porch, who’s witnessing all hell break loose.

 

Toni is frustratingly composed for having been caught in such a precarious situation. But, Shelby might be too if she were to be having secret meetings at Toni’s drug addict mother’s house while they are broken up. But, Shelby isn't diabolical like Toni evidently is.

 

“Toni, so help me God…” 

 

“Shelby, don’t take the Lord’s name in vain,” Jobeth pipes in, shaking her head. Toni dares to look back at her mother, apologizing for Shelby’s behavior with a glance. 

 

“I need you to trust me on this, Shelby,” Toni says, hesitating to step any closer.

 

“How can I possibly trust you for anything, Toni?! Is this all a part of your big secret plan? Talking shit behind my back with my family—”

 

“Not doing that—” Toni interjects, rolling her eyes back into her skull.

 

“Then what?!” 

 

“Shelby, stop,” Toni says with a sigh, making some sort of hand gesture that Shelby’s sure is meant to diffuse the situation or put her at ease, but really it just aggravates her all the more because what the actual fuck is going on and Shelby is completely out of control and it’s very hot outside. 

 

“I need you to calm down and get back in the car.”

 

“You’ve seriously lost it if you think I’m not going to have questions,” Shelby scoffs. “You don’t answer questions about your feelings for me or whether you’re ready to get back together or—”

 

“Shelby!” Toni raises her voice for the first time. Her face is serious, properly alarmed now, and it makes Shelby swallow the next words she’d planned on slinging in Toni’s face.

 

“I’m here to ask for your mom’s blessing.”

 

Shelby tilts her head, blinking rapidly because she doesn't understand.

 

“Fuck me,” Toni shakes her head up at the sky as if she’s asking for help, or perhaps more aptly put, mercy. A second passes she rolls her shoulders back and pins Shelby with a glare.

 

“Shelby, I’m going to ask you to marry me, and I came to ask your mom for her blessing,” Toni says, unflinching. 

 

“Oh,” Shelby lets out in a quiet breath.

 

“Yeah, ‘oh,’” Toni says, mocking her.

 

Shelby bites down hard on her lip and suddenly it’s hard to look Toni in the eyes. She glances towards the house, to the tree they’re standing under, and suddenly, the sidewalk seems so very interesting, don’t you think? 

 

“Well… when are you asking me?” Shelby asks in a small voice, fidgeting slightly.

 

She doesn't know that that’s the first question to pop into her mind, but she can tell it’s unexpected based on the laugh that bubbles out of Toni’s throat. She laughs with a giant sigh and shakes her head up at the sky again.

 

“I guess I’m asking you today—like, now,” Toni lifts her shoulders up in defeat. “So, if you wouldn't mind, can you please get back in the fucking car?” Toni pleads. “And do me a favor— drive straight home.”

 

“I—okay,” Shelby nods quickly. Words have become hard, but Toni’s eyes are soft, so she settles into their safety and unlimited promises, and allows herself to turn around and walk back to her car without another word.

 

“And I don’t mean Fatin’s apartment,” Toni calls out from behind her. “Go home— back to mine.”

 

She’s in such a state of shock, she doesn't catch the big smiles on her mother's and sister’s faces, watching on from the porch steps.

 

…

 

Shelby drives to Toni’s place in deadening silence. When she arrives, she sits in the driveway and takes deep breaths, filling up her lungs with air slowly before exhaling. Her thoughts range from what the fuck to how the fuck to oh my fucking god . Lots of fucks. It’s only a few minutes before Toni pulls in afterwards, quickly scurrying out of the car and pulling Shelby’s door open.

 

“C’mon now,” Toni gestures towards the front door. 

 

“Alrighty, then,” Shelby whispers under her breath as she steps out of the car.

 

She trails behind Toni, who holds her hand out behind her for Shelby to take hold of while she leads them to the front door. She grabs onto Toni’s hand with both of hers, clinging tight to the Moon she prays to. She controls the tides, stabilizes her axis— everything points back to this force of a woman she’s chosen to revolve herself around.

 

The house looks different in the daylight when Shelby can make out all its details— ivy-covered brick on the exterior, flowers at the entryway, warm light beaming into the home, flooding the space with all the sunshine filling Shelby up to her throat.

 

They stand toe to toe at the entryway of the home Shelby once believed would be hers. It still might be, depending on this conversation— the most significant of her life. 

 

Toni takes both of Shelby’s hands in hers and rubs her thumb against Shelby’s knuckles. It steadies her in the way Toni means it to. There is a soft smile on Toni’s face and the sunbeams reflecting off the windows cast a kaleidoscope of warmth and light across her face.

 

She can’t believe she was chewing Toni’s head off less than an hour ago, when now, she feels herself melting—fusing, really— into her little by little. Shelby clears her throat.

 

“We haven’t talked in three days and you’re…” Shelby trails off. She can’t finish the sentence, let alone mask the disbelief hanging off her every syllable. 

 

“Proposing. Yes, I am,” Toni nods, still smiling.

 

“You know… that’s kind of weird.”

 

“Not really. I needed time to buy the ring, plan a romantic proposal— I was going to do it off Pacific Coast Highway—

 

“I like this better,” Shelby interrupts.

 

“Me too,” Toni squeezes her hand.

 

“Are you sure about this?” Shelby asks.

 

Toni narrows her eyes at Shelby, “Of course I’m sure. The only reason I didn't want to jump back into being your girlfriend is because I’d rather be your wife.”

 

Shelby likes that reasoning very much, and Toni can tell as much because she brushes her fingers along Shelby’s blushing cheek in a secret way that spells out I want to be yours forever. 

 

“Can I have a kiss?” Toni asks softly.

 

Shelby obeys, pressing her lips onto Toni’s for a few gentle and slow seconds. When they pull away, both girls wear smiles that take up their entire faces. Shelby does a quick count of the freckles dotting Toni’s face, making sure all’s well, and that this is real life and really happening.

 

Toni tilts her head the slightest bit, eyes the size of stars, full of wonder and all the love she feels pouring out of them.

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you, too.”

 

“I’m going to ask you to marry me in a second.”

 

“Okay,” Shelby beams. They are still holding each other in the entryway and it’s perfect because it’s home.

 

“But, I have a few things to say first, if that’s okay.”

 

Shelby nods.

 

“I haven't been able to unstick myself from you since the moment we met, and believe me, I tried—” She gives Shelby an apologetic look, which Shelby accepts, squeezing her hand. “—it was a fucking failure, but not a waste of time. Being away from you, I realized that not only do I not want to live without you, but I can’t. I don’t want the kind of life that doesn't have you next to me, under me, on top of me… doesn't fucking matter where or how, I just need you by side in this lifetime and probably the next too.”

 

Shelby doesn't know she’s crying until Toni wipes away her tears, which makes Toni emotional too, so now they are both crying a little and have to wait for their breaths to settle before Toni can continue. They laugh at themselves for a few moments and Toni gives her a quick kiss before continuing.

 

“You’re dramatic, but you make me feel more loved than I ever have in my whole life. You’re impatient when I’d wait a hundred years for you to look my way. Everything is fun with you, but at the same time, you’re the person I want to go through all my hard times with. I think that’s why you marry a person. It was you from the second you first dressed me with your wandering, unprofessional hands—”

 

“Can you blame me?” Shelby interrupts, pretending to roll her eyes, and Toni laughs.

 

“It will be the best life ever if I get to spend it with you because you’re my favorite person in the world. I’m sorry for being the world’s biggest idiot and not figuring that out sooner. So…”

 

Toni gets down on one knee and grabs the ring box from her jean pocket. When she pops open the ring box, Shelby is nearly blinded by the size of the diamond. Now that’s a ring. Her dream ring. She doesn't know how Toni guessed it.

 

“Will you forgive me and marry me?”

 

She looks up at Shelby with eyes that shine with a cute nervousness that Shelby wants to carry around in a vial for the rest of eternity.

 

“Yes,” Shelby beams at her. “Yes, I will.”

 

She drags Toni back up by her collar, smashing their lips together in a kiss sweeter than pinky promises, heaven on Earth, and silk dreams.

 

“So—” Shelby smiles widely, tilting her head to the side— “Please tell me the closet is big enough for two.”

 

“Oh, baby,” Toni pulls away, giving Shelby a few little taps on the ass before dragging her further into their home. “I’m converting the entire spare room into your closet.” 

 

Toni pushes some hair from her face, tucking it behind her ears. The way Toni’s cradling her face makes her feel like the center of the entire universe. It’s not a new feeling— Toni’s always given her a once-in-a-lifetime, storybook type of love. One she was never going to give up on. She tripped, fell, and got back up for a girl with unruly waves and a raspy voice worth melting over. Someone who dedicates her life to creating stories for other people’s lives because they’re what saved her own. A woman whose devotion to her made her want more for herself. A partner who grounds her, but somehow makes her feel like she’s walking on fluffy clouds. A love she went to hell and back for and transformed within. A total metamorphosis and undoing of the woman she thought she was, into the one she always hoped she’d become.

Notes:

The next chapter is the epilogue! I will be leaving a lengthy author's note on that chapter. So, for now, I'll just leave it at thank you and I love you. So very much.

Chapter 26

Notes:

Writing a wedding sounded… hmm… a bit boring to me, so I bring you the cracked out honeymoon instead!

Toni and Shelby's wedding was a small affair. Intimate. Perfect in every way.

 

Neither Toni nor Shelby wanted a major production or fuss of any kind, really, on the day they finally walked down the aisle. The only aspect of wedding planning that was mildly pressure-filled was, of course, their dresses, which her then-fiance and now-wife took more seriously than open heart surgery. But knowing Shelby—and Toni knows her inside and out, backwards and forwards—that was always going to be the case. Toni doesn't care; she loves every part of that maniac of a woman she’s tied to forever.

 

So, they had a small wedding with the people they love in a beautiful cliffside venue where they spent the night crying from their vows and dancing the night away. Toni ended up crowd surfing at the reception. Fatin was so fucked up, she finally grew the balls to make a move on Leah. Rachel climbed inside the DJ booth, took control when she thought she could do a better job, and took home the DJ’s number by the end of the night. Much later, Shelby jumped in the pool still wearing her dress by the “ visionary god of modern-day bridal, Vera Wang .” 

 

That’s how you know she was very, very drunk. But mostly too happy to care.

 

Shelby’s mom and siblings were invited, but Dave was not. She still wants nothing to do with the bastard and is navigating new family dynamics, while also rebuilding and letting go of so many things from her childhood. Toni couldn't be more proud of how she’s handling it all.

 

Toni decided not to invite her own mom. She didn't want the day to be about that or have any added stress on what was meant to be the best day of her life. 

 

It was fine because there was no shortage of love on the day, as Martha and her family were in attendance, which is the only family Toni has ever needed anyway. Together, she and Shelby are building their own family and prioritizing the relationships that bring happiness, not pain, into their lives.

 

Planning the honeymoon of their dreams was the easiest thing Toni had ever done.

 

They are honeymooning in Tahiti. A whole 4,000 miles and 8 hours in the sky away from Los Angeles. Toni chartered a plane because if you're going to fly private, it might as well be on honeymoon. Of course, Shelby got handsy on the plane, and Toni pretended like they weren't going to fool around in the private cabin because, you see, one of them has to be a responsible adult and consider the flight crew at present. Her resolve lasted all of five minutes, and they maybe not, but totally did join the mile-high club en route to Tahiti. 

 

Now, don’t tell Shelby, but Toni was always looking forward to their honeymoon more than the wedding itself. 

 

Yes, their wedding was always going to be one of the most meaningful days of her life, but the honeymoon? Uninterrupted alone time, nowhere to be, and only getting her ass up from a sun lounger to eat, drink, or fuck? Get out of fucking town— of course, that’s what she was most excited about.

 

They booked the honeymoon suite, which is just a massive villa jutting out into the crystal-blue water, surrounded by mountains and the lush, green landscape. 

 

They walk into the suite, and a huge bed taking up the center of the room is filled with rose petals, and champagne sits on ice. Toni whistles and she sees Shelby’s face break out into an impressed smile.

 

They look at each other, eyes communicating what their mouths do not— Toni did a very good job with the hotel. Most definitely the nicest room Toni’s ever stayed in.

 

But Shelby, who always keeps Toni on her toes, changes her face after a few seconds and gives a little shrug. 

 

“I guess it’ll do,” she says with an air of indifference about her, but she’s ridiculous and can’t really keep a straight face because they’ve landed smack dab in the middle of literal paradise.

 

“Fuck off,” Toni laughs, walking further into the room to plop herself down onto the couch. She ignores the bed because airplane clothes are gross and germy, and she’s not an animal. 

 

Toni stretches out on the coach, groaning theatrically because, private plane or not, her back is killing her from the flight. She’s gone fucking soft. Toni watches her wife as she flitters around the room, making herself comfortable in the space. To Toni, watching Shelby exist is about as entertaining as an Oscar-nominated film because she’s her favorite thing in the whole world and Toni will watch her do just about anything. 

 

With an arm behind her head and her feet propped up on the other end of the couch, Toni watches on while Shelby digs something out of her purse. Toni can tell she’s trying to hide the movement, based on the precautionary look she flicked over towards the couch. She quickly turns her back on Toni. Suspicious.

 

Shelby turns back around and slyly slinks her way over to Toni. She walks with her hands tucked behind her back, all coy and shit. 

 

As if. 

 

When she reaches her, Shelby unceremoniously plops herself down onto Toni’s lap, straddling her with legs on either side of her body. You see? As if. 

 

Toni’s hands instinctively move to grab her hips, gently holding her in place. Shelby reveals her hands from behind her back and places a little red box on top of Toni’s chest.

 

“Open it,” Shelby demands, pointing towards the box now sitting between her boobs.

 

“What is this?!” 

 

Toni looks up at her wide-eyed. She can’t help but shake Shelby a little by the hips, all excited. Because, well… gifts.

 

Listen, you’d be excited too if the word Cartier was staring back at you, ready and waiting. Also, the world’s hottest woman is sitting on top of her like she owns the place, and while that might not be the case, Shelby does certainly own her.

 

Her wife smiles, “I wanted to get you a gift for the wedding, but I figured I’d extend the fun a bit and wait a few more hours to give it to you.”

 

Toni bites her lip and gives Shelby one more squeeze to the hip before opening the box carefully. She’s met with a watch—yellow-gold mixed with steel and very sexy— sitting inside.

 

“It’s engraved on the back with our anniversary,” Shelby explains, and her voice is giddy like a little kid because she knows she’s done well.

 

“I love it,” Toni says, staring up at the one person who thrills her to no end, but also gives her the most familiar feeling. Like walking the floorplan of your childhood home or doing the morning routine you complete half-asleep every day. Loving her is the routine Toni was put on this Earth to do. Toni places the watch gently off to the side on the table next to them. 

 

She pulls Shelby down by the neck until their lips meet, and she thanks her with a rapid succession of kisses to the lips. The kisses quickly turn from quick pecks to a slower, deeper intertwining of lips and hips, and finally, they reach a place of less control, and passionate, hard kisses take over. And then Toni’s hands are on Shelby’s ass, and Shelby’s hands are gripping hard in her hair.

 

The clothes with airplane germs aren't a problem anymore because, suddenly, they are both naked, and the mattress hits Toni’s back.

 

Later, after they’ve done what crazy in-love newlyweds tend to do, they lie naked and sweaty in bed, still littered with red rose petals. Toni rests her head on Shelby’s stomach and looks up at her, cheeks all pink, hair knotted and messy. She looks perfect, so Toni gives her a little boop on the nose. Shelby scrunches it up, but Toni can tell she’s tired, eyes already halfway closed from all the travel and the athletic-like performance she’s just put on. 

 

Toni can’t keep track of what happens next because the next time she opens her eyes, it’s pitch dark. Shit. She fell asleep.

 

Looking over, she sees that Shelby did too. She’s knocked out next to Toni, who can see her body moving up and down slightly with deep breaths. 

 

They agreed not to fall asleep right away because it would fuck with their jet lag. The plan was to stay up for as long as possible in order to wake up at a respectable hour in the morning. But instead, they’ve just slept through the entire day, and now Toni is wide awake in the middle of the night.

 

Fuck. 

 

She tries to fall back asleep since Shelby is currently dead to the world, and there’s not much to do here without her. Closing her eyes and waiting for sleep to take her, Toni tries to clear her mind and— nope, not happening. She’s officially awake and there is not an ounce of sleep left within her.

 

As if telepathically, Shelby grumbles beside her.

 

“We fell asleep.” Those are the words Toni makes out from Shelby’s muffled voice.

 

“I know.”

 

Toni rubs the sleep from her eyes and stretches out against the mattress. It's very large— bigger than their king-sized bed at home— and Shelby has somehow traveled further away from her in their sleep. That just won’t do, so Toni pulls in her closer with a little tug. Shelby understands and does a little shimmy back into Toni’s body. She places an arm around Shelby’s middle and is met with a face full of thick blonde hair, which has grown out now, which Toni likes because she plays with Shelby’s hair when she feels fidgety. It’s silent for a few moments and Toni thinks sleep might be on the horizon.

 

“I am starving,” Shelby announces. Toni opens her eyes, and Shelby turns around to face her.

 

“Ok. Let’s order room service.”

 

“Perfect. Can you hand me the menu?”

 

Toni has no idea where the menu is, but she sits up regardless.

 

“And the phone, please—”

 

She doesn't know where the phone is.

 

“Also, I can’t see anything. Where are the lights in this place!?”

 

Toni doesn't fucking know where anything is, but she stays quiet and reaches around the bedside table blindly until she finds all three things Shelby asked for.

 

With the phone now to her ear, Shelby’s face contorts in all kinds of ways. Shock, devastation, and defeat are some of the emotions Toni makes out from across the bed.

 

“I see,” Shelby shakes her head sadly, “Thank you. Have a good night.”

 

Toni guesses, “I take it they don’t do room service at 3:00 AM.”

 

“You take correctly.”

 

“What are we to do?”

 

“Starve, I guess.”

 

“Well, it was nice knowing you while it lasted.”

 

“Easy for you to say. At least you ate.” Shelby looks down between her own legs in the most obvious way possible, referencing their illicit activities from earlier. That makes Toni laugh, and she’s instantly reminded why you marry a person.

 

“Shut up,” Toni teases through a smile before kissing Shelby on the forehead simply because the moment demands it. Toni tosses the covers off her naked body, crawls out of bed, and stalks over to the minibar. She grabs everything that fits in her arms, dumping an assortment of chocolate bars, nuts, and crackers on the bed in front of Shelby.

 

“Take your pick, princess.”

 

Shelby looks up from her lashes, pauses her dissection of the loot, and says, “I don’t like that pet name and there’s really no need to ever use it again.”

 

“How about ‘my love?’” Toni asks, opening up a bag of chips.

 

“Better,” Shelby nods while unwrapping a chocolate bar.

 

“‘Sweetheart?’”

 

“No.”

 

“‘Cutie?’”

 

“The fuck is that?”

 

“Babycakes—”

 

“Toni!” Shelby shrieks through a mouthful of chocolate. She’s half genuinely offended and half amused.

 

“The only name I will answer to is ‘wife.’ Please put some respect on the sanctity of this marriage,” Shelby demands, leaning over to brush some hair out of Toni’s face.

 

With her thumb lingering on Toni’s cheekbone, Shelby comes closer to brush their mouths together. It’s intimate and sweet, and Toni does a silent, thankful prayer that nobody will ever have her in this way for the rest of time. Shelby is hers and Toni is hers, and everything leading up to this moment happened exactly as it was meant to because it brought them right here.

 

I love her so much, Toni thinks. 

 

But what she says is, “Listen here, wife—” Shelby smiles at that — “I’m wide awake and want to go for a walk on the beach. Put some clothes on and grab that champagne. We’re going now.”

 

Toni knows how Shelby likes it when she gets bossy with her.

 

They stumble out of their villa fully clothed now and walk down to the beach hand-in-hand. Toni can smell the saltwater in the air and feel her hair going slightly frizzy with the humidity already. The night is pure, uninterrupted silence, and she couldn't conjure up a more perfect moment even if she tried.

 

They pass the champagne bottle back and forth and steal kisses in the shadowy night. Shelby laughs at something Toni says, and it sounds like a victory lap. Toni doesn't know what exactly she’s won. The girl? Life? That’s it— it feels like she’s fucking won at life. No roles, film sets, awards, or level of fame can or ever will top this moment. All the pain and heartache she’s never been a stranger to feel as distant and far away as this island they are on.

 

She is happy for herself, but above all else, is happier to see that the secret sadness in Shelby’s green eyes no longer exists. It hasn't for a long time. Now, only a peaceful freedom that rides on the coattails of a love fought for and earned looks back at her in the moonlight.

 

The End.

Notes:

I am so grateful to anyone who has taken the time to read this story. Your readership and kind words gave me the confidence to keep writing about these two little lesbians who fell in love.

The shoni fanfics before me inspired me to write something of my own, but I wanted a lead who was complicated, messy, and funny. Someone with a fifty-dimensional personality that gave both me and the readers whiplash. My Shelby is nothing like the show’s, nor was she ever meant to be. Thank you for loving her anyway.

I began writing/posting this story during a very different season of my life than the one I’m currently in. I’ve since moved across the world and fallen in love in a way that’s completely undone me and put me back together.

It took 3? 4? years to finish this story. Every time I sat down to write anything else, my unfinished fanfic would knock on the door, and Shelby would remind me that I’d left her out in the cold with no proper ending.

I have not told a soul that I’ve written this story. It is entirely because I’m embarrassed that it’s fanfiction (sorry, sorry, sorry) and it’s silly of me. One day, I’ll tell my girlfriend and she’ll eat it up and think it’s the coolest thing ever (she’s the best).

This fanfic was my first time writing… well, anything. I’d never plotted a story (not that I did that here lol) or fleshed out characters. Writing this fic helped me fall head over heels in love with storytelling.

I’ve been writing a novel. If one day in the future, you happen to read it and unknowingly reminisce about that one fanfic you read that one time, way back when. This is me saying “hello” retroactively.

Signing off xx