Broken Bodies, Severed Feelings

by koulakoukoula

Summary:

Nathalie Burgess and Erwin Smith grew up together in the same neighbourhood. She was one of the very few women that managed to enter the Medical University of Mitras and get her well-earned degree on Titan Biology alongside Hange Zoe and Moblit Berner.

Nathalie always aimed for a calm life behind the walls, but what happens when Erwin - her childhood best friend - asks her to join the Scout Regiment and get her chance to actually study titans up close? She can't deny a favour from a man that she loves, but things get more complicated when Levi enters the picture.

If you're here for smut open chapter index and search for the chapters with the red block emoji (🟥).

Notes:

Do you see a resemblance? Yes! This is part of my Multiverse idea and yes, this is the same OC from Broken Hearts, Severed Limbs, only this time, Nathalie ends up falling in love with Erwin instead. This fic is a parallel universe to BHSL. Some stuff I'll keep, some stuff I'll change. If you haven't read Broken Hearts, Severed Limbs it's alright, you don't have to. This story stands on its own.

I will be using she/her for Hange but don't you worry, she fucks with both women and men in this fic, she's def a bi, I just don't wanna be imagining five Hanges every time I write about her.

English is not my first language, so do expect grammatical and vocabulary errors, but I do study in the UK right now, so you won't find many mistakes, that's a promise. And since I'm studying, I cannot promise that I will finish this fic.

Also, I've drawn Nat myself:

Lemme know what you think!

Thanks for giving this story a try! I hope you enjoy! ❤

Chapter 1: Prologue

Ingrid Bergman as Nathalie Burgess

My darling Nathalie,

No matter what happens – no matter how much you hate us, you have every right to. Your father and I are on a very dangerous mission. We wish you nothing but to be safe. And that’s why we had to leave you to this kind family that vouched to provide you with love and support.

I hope they’ve made good of their promise.

Mommy and daddy will be back for you soon, but if we won’t, then you’re going to be the one to complete our mission. You’re the only one who can, and when the moment comes, you’ll know exactly what must be done. You are a proud, talented Burgess. Mommy and daddy are already very proud.

With love,
Amelia & Johannes

Eighteen Years. It had been eighteen years since she had been delivered to a family with that letter in the same basket that her parents had tucked her in. Eighteen years. She couldn’t remember how many times she had read that letter, over and over. Trying to figure out a single and so simple question that no one could answer. Why? Why was she abandoned like this? Was she that horrific that her parents didn’t want her? We’ll be back soon. Well, it had been eighteen years. Her parents were dead. That was for sure.

Nathalie should not complain though. The family she was given to, they had indeed provided her with love and all the support she could get. She had made friends. She had studied. And here she was now, her dad trying his best to pay for her studies in the Medical University of the Interior. Admittedly, she and Hange where the only women in the class. Hange Zoe was one of the friends that she had. She was energetic and funny and playful. She brought so much life, and Nathalie could spend hours with her, nerding all they could around Titan Biology. That was the subject they had both chosen to study, and it was admittedly, the perfect choice.

Titan Biology was just marvellous to study. Nathalie knew titans were man-eating monsters that had brought humanity to near extinction. But how they worked, and how they functioned beneath their thick skin, was just marvellous to think about.

“Hey, Nat!”

Nathalie smiled at the familiar voice that came from downstairs. It was her mom. Her foster mom, yet the only person who had treated her like a true mother should. She was downstairs at the kitchen, Nathalie was upstairs in her room. Her books, countless and spread out on her desk in display. Notes with chemical equations and biological facts were making a mess on her desk. She needed a bigger desk, but that was all they could afford for now.

“Yes, mom?”

“I heard the Cadet Corps will be running drills around town today. Do you know what that means?”

Nathalie’s eyes widened and her pencil finally dropped from her fingers. She knew exactly what that meant. It meant that after three years. Three whole years, she was finally going to see Erwin again. His home was just nearby. They had grown up together. They’d play around the streets as children. And after his dad died he announced her, he was going to be joining the military. It was beyond doubt, Erwin was a brilliant man and a bright future awaited him.

But that didn’t mean that she hadn’t missed her childhood best friend. 

Nathalie pushed everything aside and immediately tried to find something to put on, to help herself look at least presentable. She’d always study in her pyjamas. Especially in days like this when she had no lectures and no laboratory sessions, they were the perfect days to relax at home and sink in her books and her sweet, sweet science. She was a nerd and she was proud of it. She was the best in her class. Every day she thought about finding her parents and having them see how far she had come and let them see exactly what they had missed when they gave her away.

Yes. That helped her move on. She was fifteen when Erwin left, and he was twenty. Now he was twenty-three. A young man, definitely changed and refined in the military. And she – finally a woman. She tried to make her hair look a little less messy than usual, and she wrapped a clean, white shirt, buttoning it all the way up – leaving two buttons loose around her neck, because she had no intention of suffocating herself. She put on a grey skirt, the first she found popping in front of her, and slipped into her black, leather shoes, the only pair she had. She rushed downstairs and her mom, Grace, laughed at her immediate rush. Nathalie would never leave her room, unless she had to cook or help around her mom with chores. Dad was at a work. A merchant. And thus, he could provide for her fees.

“Not so fast, young lady. Let me see you,” Grace stopped her just before Nathalie walked out of the door and Nathalie groaned and threw her head back in frustration.

She obeyed anyway. She stood in front of her mom who stared at her with a smile on her face and a look of approval. Grace always had to make sure Nathalie wasn’t walking out of the house in her pyjamas. Believe it or not – it had happened. More times that she’d like to admit. Nathalie wasn’t a person to care about looks.

Grace hummed and nodded for a prolonged moment. Nathalie’s patience was running out. “C’mon! I need to go or else I’m gonna lose them and who knows when’s going to be the next time I’ll be seeing him!” Nathalie whined and tapped her foot down on the wooden floor incessantly.

“So? You want him to see you dressed like a nun?” Grace approached her daughter fast and her hands reached for Nathalie’s shirt. “At least, let a few more buttons loose,” Grace unbuttoned two more buttons of her shirt and Nathalie’s cheeks flushed a bright red.

“W- What are you doing?!” Nathalie smacked her mom’s hands away from her shirt and Grace threw her head back and started laughing amusingly. “H- He’s my friend! I don’t think of him that way!” Nathalie buttoned up her shirt to its previous state.

“Yet!” Grace raised a finger, before she returned back to cooking lunch. “Make sure to be back for lunch!” She called out as Nathalie groaned in frustration and shut the door behind her once she walked out.

She hated the fact that her mom knew her so damn well. She had thought of Erwin. Many times, many nights, and this goddammned adolescence wasn’t helping her deal with those thoughts. He’s my friend. She reminded herself, even though, when he left, a twenty-year-old young man, he was looking like a God with those eyes and that body and the blonde hair. She couldn’t even imagine how he looked like now. Nathalie groaned to her stupid thoughts. Pull it together. He’s five years older than you. Which wasn’t too much. Age gaps between couples was normal. But she never pursued something like that.

Nathalie was a scientist. Or about to be one. The last thing she cared about, was relationships. The last thing she cared about was having someone. All she cared about was her books, her experiments, her sweet science, the fact that she had to get new glasses, because all that studying was getting her blinder and blinder by the day. That was all that she cared about. Making her parents proud, because they deserved to be proud of the child that was forced into their care. She sighed heavily and shook her head.

Now it wasn’t the time to think about how much she hated her parents. The ones who had abandoned her, leaving nothing back but a letter and empty promises. Now she just had to focus on the fact that Erwin was somewhere around right now, and she just had to find him. He wasn’t the man to go straight home after three years of intense military training. Nathalie knew where exactly she was going to find him.

The Graveyard.

It was kind of his calling. Ever since his dad died, Erwin had changed. He wasn’t a cheery kid anymore. He wasn’t the one who would gather all other kids of the neighbourhood and initiate a clever game he had just come up with. He lost these all when his father died. He had told her why he had that determination in his blue eyes. Why he had joined the Cadet Corps. Why he visited the Graveyard of Trost as much as he could. He felt like it was his fault that his father had died. He blamed himself and Nathalie never understood why. He had only told her that his father had a theory. A theory about their world that he let slip out one day, and that was exactly why his father was killed. He blamed himself and she had tried to convince him that it wasn’t his fault, but Erwin was a stubborn man.

She was in the middle of a street. The market place. Carts and counters were placed everywhere. The place, crowded. Military Officers were there. She looked around the place for a minute, trying to spot him somewhere in the crowd of people in the Military Uniform. And when she spotted a familiar tall, blonde man, with bright blue eyes and a thick voice, her face brightened. He had grown. Oh God- he was huge comparing to her small, short, thin, skinny body. His body, perfectly built beneath his white shirt, his brown jacket. A smile on his lips as he spoke with two other men, around the same age, and same height. She couldn’t help it though.

“Erwin!”

She called out and he turned to look at her as she rushed towards him. He couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe how much she had grown. She was no longer the fifteen-year-old girl he had left three years ago. Actually, she was breathtaking. The moment he set eyes on her. She was gorgeous. Plainly dressed and messy, short brown hair that barely reached her shoulders, tucked behind her ears. Her glasses, neatly resting at the bridge of her nose like they always did. Circular and nerdy and adorable. His little Nathalie had grown up.

“Nathalie!”

Erwin laughed when she fell into his arms and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, and he wrapped his own around her waist. He spun her around. He picked her up with ease. She was still so small and weightless. He buried his face in her shoulder because he had missed her so much. They had exchanged a few letters, but stopped a few months ago.

“Oh my gosh, I’ve missed you!” Nathalie shut her eyes and buried her face in his shoulder, taking in his scent for a mid-second.

“I’ve missed you too-” Erwin tried to say as he let her back down on her feet but he never got to finish the sentence when she smacked his chest and her expression changed entirely.

“Why have you stopped answering my letters?!?! Any idea how much I’ve been waiting!” Nathalie protested angrily, furrowing her eyebrows and glaring at him like an adorable angry puppy. Erwin chuckled awkwardly and rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. He hadn’t done it on purpose, but the last few months of training were harsher since they reached closer and closer to their graduation.

Erwin parted his lips to speak, but the other man spoke first. “Wait, you got a gorgeous lady waiting for you back home, sending you letters, and you’re not responding to them, AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME?!”

Erwin rolled his eyes. “Nile, please-”

“Nile Dawk, ma’am,” Nile caught her hand and pressed a kiss at the back of her palm. She giggled helplessly and a bright blush spread across her cheeks. Something about that made Erwin frown deeply, his eyes fixated on Nile’s hand on her own and that smug smirk on his face. “Future Military Police Officer,” He smirked even more.

Nathalie giggled once more. “Nice to meet you, Mr. future-Military-Police officer,” She teased and he laughed, finally releasing her hand. Before she even knew it, the other man was dangerously close to her, sniffing and taking her scent in his nostrils in an unsettling creepy way. Nathalie flinched back. Her back found Erwin’s chest as she stared at the weird man who seemed to be smelling her for reasons she could not tell. She looked back up at Erwin. “U- Uh, E- Erwin, what is he-”

The other man pulled away and stopped sniffing her. “There’s something crazy about her,” He said but then nodded approvingly at Erwin who smiled.

“Well, I assure you, there has been no brilliant scientist without a little bit of crazy,” Erwin smirked and she giggled.

“Scientist, huh?” Nile asked. Interest piqued.

“W- Well, I’m still a second year…” Nathalie pointed out shyly.

“She’s the only woman in her class…” Erwin wrapped his arms around her from behind. Her back still against his chest and she giggled and rolled her eyes. He was about to start showing her off. He’d never stop doing that. Sometimes it was annoying – no, most times, because every time she would wind up being a babbling, blushing mess. “…she managed to enrol into the Royal University of Medicine in the Interior, isn’t that right?” Erwin looked down at her ridiculously blushing face. She literally wanted to hide somewhere away from those men’s looks and Erwin’s excessive words.

She still bit her lip and nodded, unable to come with a coherent sentence.

“That is impressive, considering you’re a woman,” Nile pointed out only to receive a glare from both the other men and a rough kick on his leg by Nathalie. He winced. “Hey!”

“If you’re hoping to get laid with that attitude, then you ain’t getting nowhere,” Nathalie scolded him and Erwin looked down at her in surprise. His eyes wide. He didn’t expect her to speak up like this. She was a blushing mess just a second ago.

The other man laughed. “She got you there,” He cleared his throat. “Allow me to introduce myself properly. I’m Miche Zacharias,” He lend a hard forward and she shook his hand giving him a smile.

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Zacharias,” Nathalie smiled and he shook his head with a smile.

“Just Miche,”

“Alright, now that she’s met you both,” Erwin’s arms tightened around her waist and with a swift, effortless move, he had propped her up, stomach down on his shoulder. Her face hanging on his back. She let out a surprised yelp. “Nat and I will be catching up,” He informed the other two as he turned around, carrying Nathalie on his shoulder as she thrashed and smacked his back.

“Hey! Leave me down, you big, fucking bear of a man! You don’t get to ignore my letters and pretend like nothing ever happened, or I’m gonna…!” Nathalie continued complaining as Erwin just chuckled and shook his head as he carried her away. She hadn’t changed so much after all.

Nile and Miche were left back, staring at the two with questioning looks. “So… he had a girlfriend all along and didn’t tell us?!” Nile asked in disbelief.

“I don’t think he knows she’s his girlfriend yet,” Miche rubbed the facial hair under his chin.

“I don’t think she knows it either,” Nile crossed his arms against his chest and he grinned. “Twenty coins say they’ll fuck in two years from now,”

Miche grinned. “Thirty say they’ll do it six,”

“Really? You think he’s that oblivious?” Nile asked, again in disbelief. If he was in Erwin’s place, he would already be kissing that sweet girl.

Miche shrugged. “I’m tempted to add to the number of years,”

༻◊۞◊༺

“So?”

Erwin eyed her as the two of them walked down the streets of Trost and reached the main square. A large fountain stood in the middle. It was better at night when no one was around, but he would be departing by night back to the Cadet Corps.

“So?” Erwin arched an eyebrow and then she jumped in front of him pausing his walking for a minute. She propped her arms on her waist and she leaned closer.

“You said you guys will be graduating this summer, right? Have you picked a Regiment yet?” Nathalie asked curiously and he parted his lips to say something but she started making her guesses. “Let me guess! Let me guess! The Garrison! Right? You would make an excellent strategist as a high-ranking officer! Though I’ve no doubt you will be amongst the best ten. It’d be so amazing if you joined the MPs. We could be meeting up in the Interior every day,” She giggled happily and he smiled at her but his smile soon faded.

He knew what he was about to tell her, was going to make that smile on her face disappear. Erwin sighed. “Nat… I… will be joining neither,” He said and as expected, her smile faded. Her eyes widened and the cool breeze brushed her hair to her cheek messily.

She felt numb and for a moment, she was almost convinced that there were no other people around them. Just him, and that apologetic look on his face, and that worry in her mind that started plaguing her thoughts and spreading like a disease. It was the realisation that had just hit her. He was going to join the Survey Corps.

“No!” Nathalie cried out and she shook her head in denial. She approached him and stood up on her tiptoes so that she could properly reach for his shirt and tug him down almost threateningly. “Don’t you dare go this way!”

Erwin sighed and gave her a reassuring smile. “I’ll be fine,”

“You’re going to die! Everybody dies in the Survey Corps!”

“I won’t die. I have a plan,”

“I’m not going to let you!”

“I’ve already made my choice, Nathalie,” Erwin cupped her face and ran his rough thumb across her cheek.

Her expression softened. She knew he was a stubborn man and talking him out of something was an impossible task. She gritted her teeth and she shook her head in denial again. She smacked his chest powerfully, even though she knew it was impossible for her to make this man budge. She knew his determination was unwavering but it could be exactly what was going to take him from her. She couldn’t even think about that.

Dammit. What was she going to do? Was she supposed to follow his lead? It was basically what she had always done. When they were little, she was always on his side in all the games they would play with the other kids of the neighbourhood. She always followed. Was she supposed to do the same now? She was so close to getting her degree. So close. Two years more it was going to take her. And after that, she could be a professor in the University, or a researching scientist, or a doctor. She could be anything she wanted and have a comfortable life.

The people who joined the Military, were usually the kids who had no chance of entering a University. But she had entered one. She had proven her worth, and she had entered a University and she had studied. She had studied so much. There was nothing else that she had done in her life but study – and she wouldn’t have it any other way. She loved her life. She loved being a nerd and studying and spending hours in the labs of the University she was currently enrolled in. Was she supposed to toss these all aside and join him in the Military? She had a small, frail body that needed time to be built into one of a soldier’s. She wasn’t made for this. She was made to be a doctor, a researcher, a scientist. Being a soldier was the last thing she had in mind.

Maybe, she couldn’t follow him this time.

She gritted her teeth and smacked him on his chest again. “Idiot!” She growled.

Erwin sighed. “Look, I know you’re scared-”

“Scared? I’m terrified. Terrified and worried! You’re going to get yourself killed, and for what? There’s no defeating those creatures,” Nathalie tried to reason. She knew there was no point in trying to convince him otherwise, but she was still going to try.

“What if there is? Do you want to spend the rest of your life behind these walls? Like a bird in a cage. We deserve to be free. You know about those creatures better than I do. You’re studying them. The Survey Corps got a researching division. You could apply for a place,” Erwin offered.

“Oh? So you want me to follow you in the Survey Corps as well?” Nathalie arched an eyebrow. She couldn’t believe that the two of them had just thought of the same thing.

“W- Well… if you want so too?” Erwin stuttered for the first time in his life. Only this woman could make him feel vulnerable and exposed.

Nathalie sighed and finally let go of his shirt. “Alright,”

Her parents were going to kill her. The whole point of her studying something was to never have to join the military or marry and be dependent on someone. Little did she know that Hange wanted to join the military and the Survey Corps as well. And so did Moblit, and a bunch of other people that studied together in the same University.

Nathalie’s eyes widened when Hange confessed that she was to enrol in the Cadet Corps after she would get her degree. Moblit was on the same page. She was surprised because they were supposed to be putting all this effort for a degree so that they could get a profitable job afterwards with no need to join the military and risk their lives.

No. Erwin just had to be a stubborn ass. And so had to be Hange and Moblit, and basically all of her friends in the Department of Life Sciences of the University. Nathalie groaned. It was after a large, tiring day, that she finally decided to take a break from studying, and just lie down on her bed and stare at the wooden ceiling. Her glasses stood by her bedside table. She probably had to change back into her nightgown and take a shower and prepare herself for tomorrow’s lectures, but she was already tired. She studied for six hours today. She frowned. Not enough.

But the moment she closed her eyes, she fell asleep.

Chapter 2: Addiction 🟥

Notes:

It doesn't have smut (sorry to disappoint but it's slow burn, they wouldn't fuck in the second chapter lmao) but it does have masturbation 👀

Six Years Later

She was nervous on her graduation day. She could not deny it. But she knew where she was supposed to go. It hadn’t been a piece of cake. After getting her degree, Nathalie joined the Cadet Corps with Hange and Moblit. And now here she was, only a year of being in the Survey Corps, and already having survived three Expeditions, and already being considered a veteran. Only twenty-four years old and still a veteran. Whoah. She could see why.

She had watched so many people die. Three Expeditions and she knew she was never going to be the same. It was night now. Usually at this hour she would be studying something – some clever theory about titan biology, or working on some experiment with Hange and Moblit. But, no, she was in the training grounds. She preferred training and pushing her limits at the nights where nobody was watching.

Or so she thought.

Nathalie was a member of Section Commander Erwin’s Squad. That one squad whose members were never dying. She was in it with Hange, Moblit, Miche, Nanaba and Gelgar. But it wasn’t just talent and hard work that kept them alive. It was Erwin’s leadership. Erwin had jumped too many times to their rescue. And Nathalie wasn’t about to wind up in titan vomit. She had things to do. She had a life to live.

So, she trained. Mostly alone in the nights, and in the mornings, she’d work on her research with Hange and Moblit. And here she was now, punching that poor punching bag, and bruising her hands her fingers, her legs with every single hit. She didn’t know whether she was doing this to work out, or kick out some of her frustration. She wasn’t quite sure why she was frustrated about. She just knew she was. And she kept kicking and punching. She had learned how to fight in a skirt quite well. She couldn’t be wasting her time changing clothes all the time.

Erwin was returning from the kitchen. It wasn’t long ago when she showed up in his office with a tray of food. Erwin had made it a habit to not show up at the Mess Hall for dinner. He was too absorbed in his plans, his strategies, his paperwork, but she wasn’t about to let him starve to death. So, in turn, Nathalie had made it a habit of showing up in his office every night, with a tray of food that she had reserved for him. Sometimes, he just found himself not showing up for dinner just so that she could come a few minutes later and visit him in his office.

And here she was now, training hard. Sweat ran down her temples as she beat the shit out of that kicking bag using all the moves that he himself had shown her. She was in a brown skirt, and a light blue, buttoned up shirt. Two of her buttons, loose, exposing some of her white skin beneath. Her shirt clung on her body from all that working out, and her hair were brown and messy. Her glasses rested on the floor. She was beautiful. He could tell she hadn’t even noticed him being there. It wasn’t the first time he was seeing her like this in the nights. Most times he’d just let her in her peace. But maybe this time, he should make his presence known.

Nathalie took a small break. She panted hard and leaned down, pressing her hands on her slightly bent knees as she caught her breath. She had worked herself off. He could say that much. She always did. Always tried to do everything perfect. Always trying to succeed. It was no coincidence for her to be in his squad – the best squad of the Scout Regiment. The squad with the soldiers that survived every Expedition so far.

“Water?” Erwin offered and she let out a yelp and jumped in her position.

She groaned in frustration. “How long have you been standing there?!” She exclaimed irritably as she stood straight, and her hands fisted on her sides. For all she knew, he could have caught her every night whilst she trained, and he was just staring without saying anything. Creep.

He chuckled. He knew she hated audiences, but he thought that after all those years of being together, she would’ve grown used to his presence by now. Though he shouldn’t be surprised. He knew she was trying her best. He knew she was a perfectionist just like himself.

“C’mon, let’s get you some water,” Erwin ignored her question as he turned around and started walking back towards the kitchen of the Survey Corps HQ.

Nathalie threw her head back and groaned. “Don’t change the subject, Mister!” She cried out from behind but still obediently followed him to the kitchen, like a puppy, following its owner. It had always been like this. Nathalie always followed him, and he could hardly ever tell why. Because of their friendship? It was precious. All those years of being friends, ever since they were kids.

Erwin knew he should have talked her out of it rather than talk her into it. Joining the Survey Corps – the Regiment with the highest death toll. But she had proven herself a valuable soldier the past year. She had proven herself skilful and smart, and disciplined, and brilliant. A valuable soldier indeed. Keith had yet to establish the Researching Division of the Survey Corps, and Erwin couldn’t wait to get the reins of the Regiment and finally establish that and put her into it as a scientist. He knew she wanted to work on her science and joining the Survey Corps -because of him- had taken that chance away from her.

No, he was going to give her back that chance. Her and Hange and Moblit could be the heads of Research. They had studied Titan Biology after all. They were useful. It was time he put their minds to use.

Nathalie huffed, realising she wasn’t going to be getting an answer to her question, but she still followed him to the kitchen and watched him as he grabbed a glass from the shelves and filled it with water for her. She chuckled and let the previous incident slide. He still took good care of her in scarce times like this.

“Thanks,” She gave him a smile and chugged down the glass as if she hadn’t drunk any water in days.

“You bring me food every day, giving you some water is the least I can do,” Erwin reminded her as the two settled down on the wooden kitchen table where the staff used to prepare the meals on. It was dark and quiet. There was one torch bringing a small, dim light in the room.

A large blush spread across her cheeks and tried hiding it behind her glass as she brought it up her lips and drew another large sip. She noticed he was staring at her with his bright blue eyes and she tried her best to avoid his gaze and look elsewhere, and ignore the fact that he was staring and why he was staring, the creep. She tried to think of coming up with a subject to talk about, but she realised she couldn’t come up with anything. She was never one to start a conversation, and the only reason she was hanging out with Hange and Moblit was because those two were as much of weirdoes as she was.

“You don’t have to work yourself out so much,” Erwin finally said and she finally pulled the glass off her lips that she had been absentmindedly keeping there. “I know you’re trying to please me but-”

“What?! No! I- I- I just don’t wanna die out there, that’s all!” Now her cheeks were a bright cherry red, that not even the darkness could hide. Was she that easy to read?

“Why did you join the Survey Corps?” Erwin asked her and she began stuttering again because that was admittedly a question that she didn’t know how to answer.

“B- B- Because I… I…”

“Yes…?”

“Because I wanna see a titan up close and study it, of course! I studied the damn thing. I can’t wait to experiment on one!”

“And?” Erwin arched an eyebrow.

“A- And…???”

“You could have done that in the Researching Department of the University. They offered you a position after all, didn’t they?” Erwin stated as a matter-of-factly.

She couldn’t understand why he was making this conversation. Making her feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. Him – the man she’d do anything for. She frowned and picked her glass back up for another sip of water, trying to cover her annoyance, but she realised there was no water left into it. She should just focus on screaming at him after all.

“Why did you really join the Scouts, Nathalie? Why?” Erwin asked again and she froze for a second but only when she pulled her eyes away from his did she finally sigh and part her lips to answer.

“Because… you asked me to,” She bit her lip harsh enough to hurt, trying to distract herself from the fact that uncomfortable silence fell between them as Erwin stared wide-eyed at her.

It was an answer that he had predicted, but he needed to hear it coming from her for him to actually believe it. She had done it for him. It wasn’t for humanity; it barely was for research. It was because he had asked it of her. He had asked her to die and she said yes, let’s do it. And why? Why would she do that? Did she love him that much? Could friendly – or even fraternal love be so powerful? Or was it something else? Another kind of love. A feeling he never thought she’d ever have for him. And the way she blushed, and shrank in her chair, and avoided his gaze. It was all the affirmation he needed.

A woman willing to die for him. What more could he ask for?

Erwin’s arms slipped around her waist, and before she knew it, she was sitting on his lap. He lifted her up so easily, so effortlessly like he always did. She was small. Only 1,60m/5’3 and 46kgs/101lbs (& 24 years old). And he was huge comparing to her frail, short, skinny body. No wonder he could always lift her so easily (Author’s Note: Erwin is 1,88m/6’2 and 92kgs/203lbs & 29 years old).

“H- Hey! What are you-”

“Thank you,” Erwin cut her and her eyes widened. She found it hard to understand what he was thanking her for. Her legs hung from one side whilst he supported her waist with one hand, and kept her pressed against him with the other.

“W- What for-?”

“For declining that offer you had in the University, and choosing to follow me instead,” Erwin leaned closer.

His forehead pressed down against her own and she could have sworn, she was the colour of a tomato. She wanted to leave right now and bang her head against some wall. She could handle anything but not embarrassment. But there was nowhere she could go. She was sitting on his lap, and he had put her there, and she felt numb and paralysed. She didn’t want to go anywhere. He cupped her cheek and made things so much worse at how fondly he stared down at her. His eyes met her own full of adoration. His little Nathalie loved him. She always did, so it seemed. He couldn’t believe it had taken him that long to realise that. It was always too easy for him to read people and what they were thinking.

He could kiss her right now. She was so small and innocent. He didn’t want to scare her. He trapped her chin gently between his fingers and guided her close enough to press a kiss against her forehead. She couldn’t believe how fast her heart was thrumming against her chest. But she still closed her eyes and tried her best to enjoy the small touch. His warm lips against her skin.

No. This was so wrong. So, so, so, so, SO WRONG! Her eyes widened and she immediately escaped his hold. She stood back on her feet as fast as she possibly could and snapped out of the haze of the moment. She wanted to stay there longer. His arms were big and strong, and huge around her. But she couldn’t prolong this. She couldn’t make her feelings too apparent to him. Erwin was a Section Commander and she was soon to become a Squad Leader. They had to focus. They couldn’t afford to grow attached. They both worked into a Regiment where they could die any moment.

“R- Right! We should go to sleep! T- Though, I know you won’t, but I- I’m thinking I will tonight,” Nathalie turned around and started walking out of the room.

Erwin parted his lips to say something. To apologise, and maybe he was wrong about her feelings for him. Maybe he was being delusional. He knew how easy it was for someone to believe what they wanted to believe. Maybe he was the only one growing feelings in here. But she spoke again before closing the door behind her.

“Goodnight, Commander!”

༻◊۞◊༺

What the hell was that?!

Nathalie banged her door shut, finally in her quarters alone, and finally able to act real. She cringed and felt the sudden urge to bang her head against some wall. Nathalie crashed down on her bed. She was planning to have a shower, but maybe a little later, and all she could think about was Erwin. Erwin, Erwin, Erwin, Erwin… She was growing obsessed, she couldn’t deny it. She shut her eyes and grabbed her pillow, stuffing her face and screaming into it.

Maybe that was exactly why she was frustrated and was hitting on that poor punching bag with such aggressiveness. She had joined the Survey Corps for Erwin. Sure, she had done it because she wanted to capture a living titan and experiment on it. Sure, she had done it because Hange and Moblit were going to be there too – her two, and only friends that she had in this life. Sure, she had done it because it was more fun than teaching Titan Biology to a bunch of idiots in the University. But she could have had an easier life. Without Expeditions. Without the fear of getting eaten every time she stepped out of the walls. Without the three extra years of Military training, and without all those nights that she spent pushing herself to her limits and punching the walls, the punching bags, the ODM Gear that she used to kill dummy titans over and over.

Her life would have been so much easier, but no, she just had to join the Survey Corps. She just had to, and even though she had so many reasons as to why she had actually done that, she knew well what the real reason was. It was Erwin. His bright blue eyes that stared down at her in adoration. His lips that met her forehead in a gentle, warm kiss. How would it feel if he continued kissing her?

How would his lips feel on her cheeks, her chin, her nose, her lips? Her neck, her chest. Nathalie threw the pillow away and she groaned. She rubbed her forehead and mentally scolded herself. This wasn’t the time for this. She tried snapping her eyes open, but more images came to her. Imaginations. This wasn’t going to be the first time she’d fantasize about Erwin. He was her childhood crush, no matter how hard she had tried to make sure he never figured it out.

She felt like a fifteen-year-old all over again. She hadn’t been touched by a man before. It had always been herself. She never really cared to find someone. Part of her felt like Erwin didn’t want her to. What’s with you doing everything that Erwin wants? She felt like scolding herself but all she could do was pretend his hands were on her hips. His lips on her own, swallowing down her sounds whilst he took her. His body between her legs, his cock inside her, stretching her to his liking. His fingers digging in her hips as he drove himself into her.

Nathalie let out a soft moan. Her hand, traveling beneath the excessive fabric of her skirt and finding her panties and gently pushing them aside. She was already wet. What would he say if he saw her like this? Spread out and wet for him. She pushed two fingers shallowly into her, gathering her wetness and bringing it up, coating her clit into it. Her hips twitched, almost rubbing herself on her hand, and imagining it was his own. She bit her lip, and imagined it was him biting her, kissing her, filling her skin with marks and purple bruises, and she wouldn’t give a single damn if anybody ever saw them. They’d know she was his and that was all that mattered to her.

“Mine,” She wanted him to whisper to her with his husk, gruff voice, his breath on her ear. She shivered just on the thought of it. She was so wet. She was undoubtedly making a mess. This wasn’t going to be the first time she’d make a mess thinking about him whilst touching herself.

She buried her two fingers back into her, massaging her spongy walls. Wet sounds filled the room, and she could barely imagine how louder the sound would be if he was buried into her, taking away her innocence that she had undeniably preserved just for him. Even though, she barely knew whether her fantasies were ever going to come true.

No man would want to touch her small, little, skinny body that lacked all the right curves. With those nerdy glasses that she wore, and a reputation that had already gone out – second craziest scientist to join the Survey Corps. It wasn’t her fault she was laughing when Hange once set the dorm on fire. Hange’s laughter was infectious. It was another experiment that had gone off. The two of them were on stable duty for three months straight after that.

But yes, no one would ever want to be intimate with her. Especially Erwin, a handsome Section Commander of the Survey Corps that undoubtedly had many women chasing after him. She was hopeless at this point. But she didn’t care. She could please herself just fine with her fingers. Her back arched when she rubbed her fingers against her sensitive clit. She was going to cum just from that. What if he bent her over his desk and had his way with her right there? What if he was on top of her right now, fucking her relentlessly till she was begging him to give her a break? She wanted him to fuck her till she passed out. Till she could no longer move.

She gasped. One last stroke was all it took to bring her to sweet release. She dragged it out all she could before she collapsed back down on her bed and tried to alleviate her breathing. Dammit. She didn’t know whether she should start shaming herself or go for another one.

Nathalie laughed. She laughed because she was being absurd. She should get her shit together and go get that shower and go to sleep. She had lots of rookies to train tomorrow.

༻◊۞◊༺

Erwin loosened a few buttons of his white shirt. He let out a sigh. His lamp was going out soon. He just had to refill the oil and keep on working. There was darkness in most of his office. There was silence in the entire HQ. Everybody on their right mind were sleeping. Except him. He looked over the clock that hung by his wall. It was 3am. It wasn’t going to be the first night he would be spending passed on by his desk.

He was coming up with a plan. Lovof -a noble- was trying to withdraw the papers for the Survey Corps’ sponsorship. It was an amount of money that the Survey Corps desperately needed. Erwin would be damned if he let that happen. So he had to stay up tonight, and finish his plan. He wasn’t going to tell his Commander. No. His Commander shouldn’t stick his nose in this. Erwin knew exactly what to do and how. Somebody would call him a master of manipulation. Maybe he was. Erwin slightly smirked and he sank in his chair, setting another button of his shirt loose and throwing his head back.

He was exhausted. He shut his tired eyes and took a small moment to slightly rest. The sleeves of his white shirt were rolled up his elbows. His hair, dishevelled and messy. Blonde locks fell on his forehead and he sighed. He couldn’t tell why or how, but his mind drifted off back to her. Nathalie. How hopelessly she had blushed when he asked her to tell him why. Why would she join the Scouts? She had a degree. She could easily get a job, a better paid one, and live a life away from danger. But she was right here, training herself to death because of how much she loved him.

He was sure of it now. There was no other explanation. No one is asked to go die and just does it unless the one asking is important to them. And he was important to her. He had always been, and somehow, he had always known. And maybe – just maybe, in another, not so busy life of his, she was important to him too. No. She was important to him anyway. He wanted to kiss her today. He wanted her body on his lips. He wanted her lips on his own. Her tongue in his mouth. Erwin groaned.

There was no time for this, but his pants were already growing tighter and tighter around his growing erection. What if she was right here, right now, kneeling before him. Her mouth on his cock. His tip, choking her throat.

“Shit,”

Erwin undid his belt and pushed down the zip. His hand reached beneath all layers of clothing as he grasped himself and pulled out his hard cock. There was already precum leaking from the tip. Just the thought of kissing her had resulted to something so scandalous as this. And then he thought about fucking her mouth to the pace that he had set with his hand. Fucking her throat rough till she was squealing and her powerless little hands were trying to push him away. And then he was going to pull out of her, and bent her over his desk, and bury himself in her small, little weeping hole. She was going to be so tight around him. So tight and she was going to be screaming whilst he fucked her. He could barely imagine how sweet her sounds would be.

He could lift her up in his arms and drive himself into her, again and again, letting her cum all over his cock as many times as he could. He could imagine her small, skinny body, shaking beneath his grasp. The sound of skin slapping against skin. Her moans muffled in his mouth as he forced his tongue down her throat. As he fucked her deep, his cock hitting places she never thought possible. Erwin stroked himself to the pace he had set on her poor body in his imagination.

It wasn’t the first time he was fantasizing about her body against his own. His sweet, little Nathalie. So innocent, she had been with no one. He knew it. He knew everything about her. He would have known if anybody tried to touch her and use her. No. He’d never let that happen. Nathalie was his. She was all his and he was going to keep it that way. She’ll come around. He told himself. He knew she was denying her feelings for him. She was a brilliant scientist. Love and commitment were the last things on her mind.

But he wanted her committed to him. He wanted her to be his, utterly and completely. His to use to please or please himself. She would clutch on him so tight as he’d drive himself into her. As he’d fuck her till the only name she knew was his. He couldn’t imagine how her sounds would be if he kissed and suckled and nibbled on her neck and laid down his marks on her white flesh. She was a white canvas that he wanted to paint all over with marks of teeth and crescent moons of his nails.

Erwin came. He came with a grunt and her name on his lips but barely coming out as a whisper. Thick, hot ropes of cum landed on his pants and made a mess, but he didn’t care. He imagined her licking it away for him.

Even though he knew, this was all a fantasy, and she never would.

Chapter 3: The Underground

“The Underground? You’re going to recruit soldiers from the Underground?!” Miche asked impatiently. He couldn’t understand why Erwin would ever bother going down to that place. It was a dangerous place, but it was nothing that the Second Squad couldn’t handle. Erwin’s squad. They had handled titans. A few thieves and criminals weren’t going to be too difficult to deal with.

“I’m sure Erwin’s got a very solid reason as to why we’ll be going there,” Nathalie cut in and Miche arched an eyebrow. Always there to defend Erwin. He should expect nothing less from her.

“I do, thank you, Nathalie,” Erwin crossed his arms against his chest. They were all in his office. Hange, Moblit, Miche, Nanaba, Gelgar and Nathalie. “My sources claim that Lovof wants to steal this back,” He took out the papers of the sponsorship of the Scouts. “And kill me,” Nathalie’s eyes widened.

“Ha!” Hange laughed. “I’d like to see him try,”

Erwin smirked slightly. “He has hired the best thugs of the Underground for that job. They have excellent ODM Gear skills. We’ll approach them, take them in the Scouts as our own. I’ll be having those papers on me at all times,”

“And what if they kill you?!” Nathalie asked worriedly.

“They won’t,” Erwin said reassuringly but she recognised that look on his face. She frowned deeply. He was making another gamble, wasn’t he? Always gambling on his life. She groaned and mentally noted to herself to talk to him about this alone afterwards. “I believe they can be valuable assets to the Scouts,”

“Well, if you believe so,” Nanaba shrugged.

“We’ll prepare the horses,” Gelgar nodded and him with Nanaba and Miche set off right away.

“Right,” Hange rubbed her chin. “Let me guess. You haven’t told of that plan of yours to Commander Shadis yet, have you?”

Erwin’s smirk grew. “I plan to tell him a little later,” He folded the papers again and tucked them in a safe pocket. “We leave in ten. Dismissed,”

And when Hange and Moblit walked out of the room, Erwin noticed Nathalie still there. Arms crossed against her chest, and a frown on her face, and he knew he was about to get lectured. He arched an eyebrow. Sometimes that woman reminded him of his poor mother. He stopped tidying up his desk and turned his attention on her.

“Anything you wanna talk about?” Erwin asked.

“Yes,” Nathalie stated. She seemed furious. “You’re making another gamble, aren’t you? On your life,” She said as a matter-of-factly.

“I assure you, there’s nothing to worry about-”

“You need to stop putting your life in danger like that!” Nathalie burst out. It was only at these moments, when they were alone, and she could talk openly to him. She was worried. She had always been worried for him, his life that he always put in danger so carelessly. He didn’t care dying so long as his plans bore fruition. “You have… noble reasons in mind, I admit, and I’m willing to follow you through to the end, but you keep forgetting that you’re important and that you need to be around for the people who need you,”

Erwin walked around his office and finally stood in front of her. Now she was looking up at his bright blue eyes. He smiled playfully. “And you’re one of them?”

“O- Of course, I am, you’re my friend! We grew up together!” Nathalie stuttered for a second but quickly gathered her composure like she always did. “Can’t take care of you and make sure you don’t die when you keep putting yourself in such situations,”

“Nathalie, you need to stop worrying,” Erwin said with a warm smile. “I’ve got everything under control,” His arms found her shoulders and slipped down her elbows, her waist. His arms slipped around her and bringing her closer, but she didn’t seem to notice. He loved it. He loved how familiar they had both grown with each other’s casual touch. He cupped her face. His palm, large enough to cover her entire face. His rough thumb ran across her cheek gently. “And don’t forget, I’m the one taking care of you,”

And it was then that she realised he was holding her. He had brought her close with his arms tight around her waist, and her own hands resting on his chest, on top of his white shirt. His bright blue eyes were staring down at her in adoration, and his blonde hair were perfectly tucked to the side. He was perfect. And she was so, so imperfect comparing to him, she immediately pulled away and let out an awkward chuckle. What the hell am I doing? Getting attached to her Section Commander was downright wrong and scandalous. She needed her head in the game, in the fight, in her job, her science, her experiments. She couldn’t grow attached to anyone. She didn’t have time for this.

“R- Right!” Nathalie headed backwards for the door. Her cheeks, redder than a tomato. “Oh my! Look at the time, I really need to get ready for the um… uh- MISSION! BYE!”

She closed the door behind her and pressed her back against it. She let out a large sigh that she had been holding in and her shoulders immediately relaxed. She rubbed her temple and immediately started mentally scolding at herself. What the hell. She should stop getting herself in awkward situations with Erwin. She should really, really stop. Nathalie let out a breath making sure she calmed down before she stood straight and made her way to the armoury.

Focus, Nat. Focus.

༻◊۞◊༺

The Underground lived up to its expectations. It was a misty dirty place, abandoned by the sunlight and the care of the upper world. Nathalie felt lucky to haven’t been born there and stuck in this place. She had heard of people down here having their legs damaged due to the lack of sunlight. Poor and sleeping in the sewers beside the rats. Nathalie felt the urge to storm in the Palace and grab the King and beat the shit out of him for not giving a damn about this place and the poor people living and stuck down here.

“I can already tell you hate it,” A familiar voice came from behind her and Nathalie turned and looked at Erwin as he approached her. Miche, Nanaba, Gelgar were discussing the plan Erwin had just told them about, and Moblit with Hange were fastening their ODM.

They were all standing in the midst of a dirty street. People were lying in the streets and looked half-dead, unconscious, and the conscious ones had knives in their hands and staring at them as if they were about to attack them and try to steal anything they had. But they knew better than to attack Survey Corps soldiers. The MPs were easy to mess with.

Nathalie’s frown only dropped when she turned and looked at Erwin, and she met those bright blue eyes and the small smile on his lips as he stood beside her and she turned and looked at him. “Well, there’s nothing not to hate about this place,” She sighed heavily and turned and looked back around her.

“Indeed,” Erwin looked ahead as well. “It’s not our job to fix what’s happening down here,”

Nathalie sighed heavily. “And the people entrusted with that job are doing nothing,” She frowned deeply. For all she knew, she could have been born down here, trapped in this place, sleeping beside the rats and the sewers and having her legs giving up on her when she’d reach a certain age. It was terrible. She wanted to help those people. She knew only one industry thrived down here. Drug dealing and human trafficking. It was horrible.

“And they never will, unless we put someone else in their place,” Erwin said before he turned around and returned back to the others, leaving Nathalie behind him as she stared at it confusedly.

Nathalie arched an eyebrow. He was talking about the King. What was he planning? To dethrone the King? That was insane. That couldn’t be it, could it? Nathalie shook the confusion away and returned back to the others and Erwin. Three MPs met them. They said they knew where the people they were looking for were. They said they were the most dangerous thugs of the Underground.

When they spotted them, they were three and they used their ODM skilfully maneuvering around the district.

“Miche, Nathalie, with me,” Erwin said. “We’ll take the leader. You four take care of the other two,”

“Yes, sir!”

They started maneuvering as well, following the three through the large district, hooking themselves on the buildings all around. They were fast. Their skills were impressive. It was a ginger-haired girl, a dirty blonde man, and in the middle, the raven-haired man, the leader that they hard heard so much about his skill. They managed to knock off the MPs pretty quickly and it was no one’s surprise. But the Survey Corps soldiers were still chasing them. They were all wearing their hoods, giving them no chance of seeing their faces.

The three were divided. The two left leaving the leader alone. Hange, Moblit, Gelgar and Nanaba were divided and went after them. Erwin, Miche and Nathalie went after the raven-haired man. Watching him maneuver was really a sigh to look at. He was talented. He moved straight into a building. But Erwin could tell exactly where he was going to get out. So, Miche and Nathalie followed him.

Miche broke through the walls and shoved the man down on the street. He grabbed his knife and attacked Miche right away. He shoved Miche’s one sword away with massive strength that left Nathalie surprised, eyes widened. She set off to attack him from behind but he noticed her right away, sending a dagger on her way that she shifted away from its target just in time. Erwin crashed his sword with the man’s knife.

“Stop it,” Erwin noticed the man was about to come up with some clever move again. “Look around you,”

“Let me go, you bastard!” The ginger haired girl cried out as Gelgar dragged her and cuffed her hands behind her back and Nanaba did the same with the dirty-blonde man.

“Levi!”

Levi let go of Erwin and dropped his knife back down. Erwin smirked slightly. “You’re good at reading the situation,” Erwin pointed out before he nodded at Nathalie who was standing behind the man who was glaring daggers at him.

Nathalie approached Levi from behind and cuffed the hands of the man who was supposed to kill Erwin. There was so deadly about the way Levi glared at Erwin. He didn’t say anything. He wasn’t a man of many words. They stripped them all three of their ODM Gears and forced them to kneel in front of Erwin as he approached them. Moblit and Hange had set off to check out their ‘HQ’ to see if there was anybody else they should be after. Nanaba and Miche stood behind the three and Nathalie stood beside Gelgar as they all watched Erwin talking to them.

“I’ll ask a few questions,” Erwin said. “Where did you steal this ODM Gear from?” He asked and received no answers. Nathalie arched an eyebrow. They weren’t going to say anything, were they? “Where did you learn how to use it like that?”

Still, nothing. Erwin nodded back at Miche and he grabbed Levi and shoved his face in the mud. Nathalie cringed. That wasn’t really necessary. The man wasn’t going to talk.

“I’ll ask one more time,” Erwin dropped on one knee.

“No! Let Levi-bro alone!” The girl cried out.

“We learned on our own, okay?!” The other boy tensed up and he fought against the tight hold of the cuffs around his wrists.

“Self-taught?” Erwin asked surprised. “I’m not buying it,”

“We do anything down here that might help us survive in this shithole,” The other man spat out. “But you people from aboveground won’t understand,”

Erwin spared a look at Nathalie and she nodded at him in approval. If Nathalie approved – his smartest, most trustworthy soldier, then he approved as well. “I have a deal to make,” He nodded at Miche as he pulled Levi back up straight to look at him. “You could join the Survey Corps and I will personally have your criminal records erased, or I could hand you over to the Military Police and they’ll judge what they’re going to do to you three based on your crimes. You choose,”

Levi stared at him so hatefully. If a look could kill, then Erwin would’ve dropped down dead ten times. Levi spat the mud out of his mouth. “We’ll join the Survey Corps,” It wasn’t like he had a choice.

Chapter 4: Talented Soldiers

They showed their talents right away. Especially Levi. Nathalie was watching their training from a distance. She was by the balcony of her Section Commander’s office. A set of binoculars by her eyes as she looked at the three maneuvering skilfully. She had a smile on her lips. Bright blue eyes stared curiously behind the lenses of her glasses as she pulled down the binoculars and walked back into Erwin’s office.

He was sitting by his desk like he always did. Piles of papers were set all around him and a feather was tightly trapped between his thick fingers as he wrote down and he frequently dipped it in a small vase of black ink. His blonde hair, perfectly tucked to the side. He was wearing his Survey Corps uniform and so was she. Both in their white shirts, white pants and the light brown jacket on top. A focused expression on his face as he filled his paperwork. He had been at it for hours.

“Looks like you were right about them. They are talented,” Nathalie admitted as she let the binoculars down on his desk. They were his after all. She chuckled. “I shouldn’t even be surprised. You’re always right,” She grinned.

“I’m still just a man who can be wrong sometimes,” Erwin smirked slightly but didn’t take his attention off his paperwork.

“Some -most rare- times,” Nathalie laughed as she stood behind him and placed a hand on his broad shoulder. She peeked down on his paperwork. It was reports and orders that needed his signature to be permitted. He wasn’t even close to being done. “You need help? You know I can very well fake your signature,”

Erwin chuckled. “I thought I gave you enough paperwork last night,”

“I finished those,” Nathalie shrugged and Erwin turned and looked at her for once. His eyes almost wide in surprise. He was almost beginning to see the dark circles around her eyes.

“Did you not sleep?” He let down his pen. His entire attention now on her as he stared at her in concern. He always thought that he was the one having trouble sleeping. But maybe after joining the Scouts, that was an issue that everybody faced. Everybody was plagued by the nightmares, the horrors of the outside.

Nathalie just smiled at him and waved away his concern. “Believe me, I’m sleeping better than I used to while in uni,”

“Nathalie,” Erwin spoke with that same serious tone that let her know there was no escaping this conversation. “I need my best soldier in her perfect shape,”

Her cheeks grew a bright red right away. She tried to look anywhere else but those huge, blue eyes that stared up at her in concern. She soon became a blabbering mess. “I- I- I’m not a perfect soldier, I- I’m average. B- Besides, Miche’s a much better soldier than I could ever-”

“Nothing about you is average, my darling,”

Now her cheeks got even redder, and she could have sworn, her face was a deeper shade of red than a tomato. She was blushing hard. My darling. My. Mine. Erwin almost smirked at how much of a blushing, stuttering mess he had made of her. And he was about to make her even more of that mess. He wanted her body close, pressed against his, and he was a man who always got what he wanted. He was convinced that she was attracted to him. Maybe a few nights back when she escaped his hold, his lap, maybe she was scared of this. Growing attached, and he kept telling himself that she was right to be scared of that, and he should too be scared of that same thing. But he had already grown attached to her. Together or not, if anything happened to her, it was going to drive him insane.

So, his arms slipped around her thin waist and brought her body down to his lap. She stumbled onto him and let out a yelp of surprise. Her back was knocked against his chest as her body crashed down onto his one thigh that was large enough to keep her small figure comfortably seated. His left arm was around her waist, making sure to keep her pressed against him. She was supposed to feel comfortable beneath his touch. His breath that fanned hot down her ear, the back of her neck.

He grabbed another pen and offered it to her. “Here. Help me,” He spoke against her ear. She shivered and trembling fingers reached for the pen, lazily laying in his open palm. Only when she grabbed it did she realise how bigger his hand was comparing to her own. She was small. So small and adorable. A cute little doll. His cute little doll.

“R- Right!”

Nathalie pulled herself together and mentally noted to herself to think about this later. She dipped the pen in the ink and grabbed a piece of paper. A report of some sort that needed his signature and she started writing down. Scribbling something down always helped her focus. And she did just that. She focused on the things she knew. She had learned how to fill Military paperwork well. She had no idea how to react to situations like this. Her, seated on the lap of the man that she had spent too many nights awake for. And after today, she was going to spend even more nights on the thought of him.

She wanted to melt right in. She wanted to lean back against his chest. She wanted him to kiss her. She wanted him to do whatever he wanted to her, right here and now on his desk, on his lap, wherever he wanted to. She could moan filthily just to the thought of that.

But she kept her mind occupied with the paperwork. That was the only thing in her current predicament that she knew how to deal with. But then another thought came to her, and her eyes almost widened. What if somebody walked in? What if somebody walked in and saw her – a soldier in Section Commander Erwin’s squad, sitting on his lap. People could assume a great many things. They could assume she slept with him and that was exactly why she was a Captain, a high-ranked, very well-respected officer amongst the Scouts.

That could spell the end of his career, or her career. That could be disastrous.

“W- Wait! What if someone walks in and sees us like this…?” Nathalie asked, questioning her own question inside her head, double-checking whether it made sense for her to say this. Erwin expected nothing from her but to be perfect, and smart. She couldn’t show anything that he didn’t want her to. Stupidity. “T- They might assume, we’re… we…”

“Let them,” Erwin said, and he sounded like he didn’t care about that occurring one bit. And indeed, he didn’t. He wasn’t thinking clearly, but he was certain he could talk everyone out of such thoughts. All he cared about now, was showing everyone that Nathalie was his. This incredible, talented woman was his and his alone. She was beautiful. Everyone was going to try to get to her. His left arm tightened around her waist slightly.

Mine.

She didn’t know how long she sat there. She didn’t have much to do today, except for the paperwork that she had quickly finished last night – or early in the morning at this point. She was supposed to help training the three new members of the Survey Corps, but Erwin had assigned them in Flagon’s Squad so he took care of that. So, Nathalie sat there, in his lap, oddly comfortable and blushed and uncomfortable at the same time. But there was nothing she could say and do. He wanted her there. His one arm was tight around her, the other resuming his paperwork beside her and so did she.

It didn’t take too long before she relaxed against him. Maybe there was nothing to be really scared of. She was scared of her feelings for him. Those strong emotions that were so new and she had no idea what to do with them. But the more she told herself that there was no way he felt the same, she relaxed. There was nothing to be worried about. He was a handsome man, high-ranked in the Military. There was no way he was interested in her.

It was after hours that she let down her pen and rested her back against his chest. She let out a small yawn, bringing her hand to her face and leaving her head roll back against his shoulder.

“Looks like I got my own personal living armchair,” Nathalie teased as she took her glasses off and rested them back on his desk. She ran her fingers through her aching eyes.

“I don’t hear you complaining,” Erwin arched an eyebrow as he looked down at her briefly before resuming his paperwork.

She giggled. “Who am I to complain?” Her eyes snapped open when she realised he was lifting her entire body with both his hands. “H- Hey! W- What are you-”

He settled her horizontally in his lap. Her legs hung from one side, whilst he supported her upper body against his own with his left arm. Her cheek came touching against his chest. Her arms reached for his brown jacket, tugging on it. Her cheeks were back to being a bright red and her bright blue eyes, finally uncovered by the lenses of her glasses, looked up at his own in question.

“I suspect you didn’t sleep last night,” Erwin cut her. He looked down at her fondly and his hand reached for her cheek. A rough thumb brushed tender across her white skin and she could almost feel her heart thrumming hard beneath her chest. His thumb slipped down on her chin, keeping her head steady as he leaned down and pressed a kiss on her forehead.

What is happening? She couldn’t answer that question. She couldn’t tell why he was doing this, and she stopped looking for answers. It was inevitable to not come up with any.

“Sleep now,” He suggested and she couldn’t deny how comfortable she was there, on his lap, in his arms, pressed close to him.

“O- Okay,” Nathalie nodded obediently.

She pressed her cheek down on his shoulder. Her nose buried in his neck and she drew in his familiar scent and closed her eyes, settling her body even more comfortably on his own. Her arms slipped around his shoulders, and she nuzzled into him. No. There was nothing wrong about that. They were just… friends. We’re just close friends and physical contact should not feel weird. That’s what she told herself and she did just that. There was nothing wrong about him asking her to sleep on his lap with his arms around her.

There was nothing wrong with that. Right? Right??

Nathalie sighed. Who am I kidding? She didn’t know what this all meant. She didn’t know how to handle that situation. What to do, what to say. She just did as he asked. She closed her eyes and didn’t take too long until sleep took her. She had indeed slept for three hours only last night, but she’d never complain. She was used to sleeping three to four hours per day. The University taught her well, but her position was just so comfortable. This man was so big comparing to her, and it was comfortable there on his lap, his tight arms, his warm embrace. And she fell asleep.

He noticed when her breathing fell into a rhythmic pace and her face looked peaceful, and her hands loosened from around his shoulders and unconsciously landed on her lap. She was beautiful. Erwin stopped his paperwork, afternoon now, day closing in on the night. He lit on a candle and tried his best to restrict his movements. The last thing he wanted was wake her.

And in the candlelight, he looked down at her. Her head rested back against his chest, her expression, peaceful. She looked small and adorable in his arms. Her hair, messy, some falling on her face. He couldn’t help it. He ran the back of his fingers across her tender cheek and she leaned on his hand even in her sleep. She hummed in acknowledgment of his presence, and it brought a smile on his face. He caressed her cheek and pressed another kiss on her forehead. His Nathalie was beautiful when she slept. He could stare at her for hours. But he had to take her to bed.

His bedroom was linked to his office – the perks of being a Section Commander. He stood up with her in his arms and took her to his bed. He lied her gently down on one side. He took off her boots and brought a blanket on top of her. He did not wish for her to deprive herself off sleep just because she wanted to please him with her excellence as a Scout. She already had proven her worth. Her talents. Her brilliance.

She was precious and important to him.

༻◊۞◊༺

Next Morning

Nathalie ran. She had to get to the lab. Or at least what they had of it. With those cheap microscopes that couldn’t magnify enough but they were still something. A bunch of books that she had read all of them, and a couple of utensils and materials that they would usually use. It was nothing like the labs of the Medical University of the Interior, but it was still something. Nathalie, Hange and Moblit had tried so hard to bring everything they needed but Commander Shadis wasn’t being much of help.

She tried not to think of last night. She just really had to go into a lab and start working on something, anything. She just really had to get her mind off of last night. When she woke up on his bed and found him lying beside her. And felt the need to shift closer to him, and closer. And felt like snuggling into him, but she didn’t. Nathalie’s restraint was stronger than ever. Still, it didn’t stop her from staring at him too much.

Erwin was so peaceful as he slept. Still in his clothes, but just the white shirt above. A few buttons loose. His belt off, making himself a little more comfortable. He didn’t dare sharing her blanket. He just lied beside her after hours of paperwork. A terrible migraine that he chose to fight off with a little bit of rest and ended up falling asleep. He felt asleep watching her as she so peacefully slept on his bed. Him on the one side, her on the other, a respectful space between them. He’d never dare invade it.

He wasn’t afraid.

No. He knew she felt something for him. He was too good at reading people to not have yet noticed that. The only thing he was afraid of, was himself. His own feelings for her. What if they got close? What if he fell for her? What if she fell for him? What if he lost her and she, him? They were in the Scout Regiment. They could die any moment. He could lose her any moment. He couldn’t deny it. He had her in his squad because he just had to make sure she was always with him. Under his leadership, he could protect her. But that didn’t mean that she didn’t deserve being in his squad. She was a talented soldier with forty solo titan kills and forty-five assists.

 And a brilliant scientist as well.

But she was scared of this. This… closure to someone. She wasn’t yet ready for that. Or maybe she was. Maybe she just kept telling herself that she wasn’t. When she realised, they had slept in the same bed, she had panicked. Maybe he was just pretending to be asleep when she so helplessly jumped off the bed and got out and ran away. It was too easy to run away. And she had done just that. She didn’t want to know what was going to happen if she had stayed there. She couldn’t afford letting this man know that she was head over heels for him. It was going to be incredibly embarrassing.

And Nathalie was still running. She was trying to make her way to the labs and concern herself with anything that she could find there. Hange was going to be there, and Hange always knew how to get her head out of whatever it was in right now.

“Nat!”

“What?!”

“I’m talking to you!”

Nathalie cringed mentally. She realised she had actually reached the lab and she was staring at the utensils on the counter without actually doing anything. Hange was sitting on the counter, reading another book focused on Titan Biology and trying to find something she didn’t already know.

“Uhhh… I was just-”

“UGH! I NEED A TITAN TEST SUBJECT!” Hange threw her head back and whined helplessly. She banged her fists on the surface of the table like a whiny five-year-old. “I need a living titan! A juicy, living, lively, alive, VERY ALIVE, TITAN!”

“I know, I know. I want one too,” Nathalie nodded as she grabbed another book and joined Hange on the counter.

Hange huffed as she looked at the book that her friend had picked. “I’ve checked out that one. It’s got nothing we don’t already know,” She snapped her own book closed. “This one too!” She threw it back only for Moblit to bend down and pick it from the floor. He sighed tiredly as he collected Nathalie’s book too and took them both back into the shelves of the small bookcase in the room.

“You don’t have to toss them around like that, you know,” Moblit frowned.

“Ah! Spare me the lecture, Mobby! I know you’re as impatient as I am!” Hange groaned banged her forehead against the surface of the desk.

“I am not impatient to watch you so recklessly get eaten by your titan test subject,” Moblit rolled his eyes as he headed for the bookcase to place the books back in place.

Nathalie chuckled. She knew Hange was dying for experimenting on a living titan. She couldn’t tell she didn’t feel the same. It was simply incredible the secrets they could uncover if they ever got their hands on one.

“I’ve been thinking,” Nathalie pulled her notebook out and started fumbling through the pages. Hange finally pulled her attention up and Moblit settled on the bench beside her, the both of them, across from Nathalie. “Titans got the ability to regenerate their skin anywhere but the nape, right?” Nathalie looked at the notes that she had scribbled down. “What if we figured out how they regenerate their skin? What if we can make a medicine that can instantly heal human wounds?”

Hange gasped. “We could even save people from death!”

“That’s an amazing idea, Nat,” Moblit nodded with a smile.

“All we need is a damn titan,” Hange groaned. “Just one! Just one! I don’t care about two! Just one DAMMIT!” She slammed a hand on the table and Moblit cringed.

“Hange! Calm down. Besides, Commander Shadis is due for his retirement and I’ve no doubt that Section Commander Erwin will help us catch one,” Moblit tried to reason.

“Ah! You convince him, Nat!” Hange pointed a finger at Nathalie and Nathalie’s eyes widened.

“W- What?! Why me?!” Nathalie tensed up.

“Because he’s your boyfriend! He’s gonna listen to you!”

Nathalie’s cheeks were now engulfed in bright red. “HE’S NOT MY BOYFRIEND!” The last thing she wanted was that rumour spreading falsely.

“Right,” Hange smirked, highly doubting that.

“W- We’re just friends-”

“OOH! FRIENDZONED!”

“Hange!” Moblit scolded her. “It’s none of your business what Nathalie is doing in her personal life,”

“I’M NOT DOING ANYTHING IN MY PERSONAL LIFE-”

“Ahem,”

Somebody cleared their throat loud enough for all three of them to snap all out of their awkward conversation. The three turned and looked at the man standing by the entrance of the lab. It was Levi. He had that bored look on his face. His arms crossed against his chest, half his weight pressed against the doorframe. How long has he been standing there?

“What is it, cadet?” Hange stood up.

“Squad Leader Flagon wishes to talk to Captain Burgess,” Levi said.

Nathalie let out a sigh and she stood up. “Sure,” She followed the man out of the room. He led her to where Flagon was now, but she eyed him for a moment and arched an eyebrow. He must have been older than her. She had read his files that Erwin had provided her with. A thug of the Underground. The most dangerous one. She could she why. He fought with ease against Erwin and Miche down there. He could indeed be a very useful soldier in the Survey Corps. “How’s being in the Scouts, Levi?”

Levi frowned. The last thing he wanted was open a small-talk with a superior that he barely knew. “Terrible,” He answered curtly. He wasn’t going to engage in a bigger conversation than that. He was always honest and he was going to be painfully honest now and he didn’t care what she thought of that one bit.

But the last thing he expected was her to start laughing. His eyes widened and he turned and looked at her in disbelief. What the hell? Why was she laughing? She was supposed to be lecturing him.

“Yup, it really is at first. Believe me, I didn’t want to join the Scouts at first either. I never even planned to join the Military,”

Nathalie confessed and Levi arched an eyebrow and looked at her confusedly as she walked ahead. Why would anybody join the military if they didn’t want to? Why would she even do that? She, Hange and Moblit were probably the only people in there who had a degree on something. Levi wanted to ask her. But he bit the questions back and pursed his lips. They reached the training grounds that spread outside. It was where he had last seen that asshole, Flagon. He was still there. Nathalie recognised he was talking to his squad members, instructing them.

“Ah, Nat,” Flagon dismissed his squad members and turned at Nathalie as she approached him. “I’d appreciate if you convinced Erwin to let you handle the three scums,”

Nathalie frowned. She knew that that was what everybody believed. Everybody that came from the Underground was a thug that could trick them and lie to them and stab them in the back. Yet, those three could be the best soldiers the Scout Regiment had ever seen. No one is born a backstabbing bastard. Life in the Underground shaped them like this. They were victims of the King’s arrogance. They should be getting better treatment than anyone. So, Nathalie frowned and glared at Flagon.

“They have names you know. And I’ve seen their skills. They’re going to be exceptional soldiers and if you do not want them in your squad, then I’d be more than glad to have them in mine,” Nathalie said. Her fists clenched, but she had no idea Levi was standing behind her and his eyes widened at her statement. “I’ll talk to Section Commander Erwin myself,” She turned around to leave, but Flagon spoke.

“So you’re siding with those scums?” He chuckled. “Should’ve known you’re lacking the brains to understand,”

That hit a nerve in her. She was Nathalie Burgess. She may have been an average soldier. She maybe have been skinny and ugly and nerdy and everything unattractive she could think of. She may have had less experience about the people of the Underground than what everybody showed they had, but if anything, she was smart and she knew it. And how dare he question the intelligence of a Burgess?

“The only one lacking brains in here, it’s you, Flagon, because you can’t open your small brain and you’re blind to the possibilities of their skills,” She turned and looked at him. “You’re just frightened in case they show how better than you they can be and maybe one day they’re gonna be your superiors. You better put aside your personal complexities and focus on what’s more beneficial for the survival of humanity,”

“How dare you address me this way, Captain?! I’m-” Flagon tried to say as he took a step closer and towered over her, but before he could say anything more, Levi got between them both. His look, deadly. It made him shiver all over. How could a shorter man look so intimidating? Flagon only groaned and walked away.

Levi glared at him as the man walked away and when he made sure nothing threatened her – the only person in here who didn’t seem to hate him and his other two friends, he turned and looked at her. Her cheeks were a bright red. Her pink lips parted, and she tried to form a comprehensible sentence, but she was failing miserably.

“I- I- w- well… t- thank you, b- but I was… uh… I had this under contr-” She tried to say and practically wanted to bang her head against some wall because he was staring at her, and if she wasn’t so embarrassed, she would have noticed that small smirk that had spread on his lips.

“You’re welcome,” Levi said. He drew some odd satisfaction from the way she blushed, and stuttered, and tried her best to look away from him.

“I- R- Right…” Nathalie blushed even more. She cringed to herself mentally. She had to get out there. “I- I need to t- talk to Erwin, I’ll be right back. Please, inform Furlan and Isabel that you’ll be reassigned into my squad,”

Nathalie rushed away and she could have sworn, she could feel him staring at her with that small, invisible smirk on his lips. Why was he smirking? Did he find her obvious awkwardness amusing? She scoffed. Of course, he did. She was supposed to be his squad leader yet she was already feeling weaker than him. Shit. Maybe it was true. But this man was supposed to want to kill Erwin. Right? She wasn’t supposed to be trying to make friends with him.

Erwin had no objections. She was always a mastermind at convincing him about something. Other squad leaders would come to her, asking her to convince Section Commander Smith about something. If their requests made sense, then she’d take them to Erwin and discuss them and she’d always win the conversation. She was the only one who could win an argument with this man.

And he was aware of it.

Chapter 5: Attention

“…and then, she… uh… took? T- The n-narrow??? Path to… uh… g- granny’s …house???”

Nathalie laughed and ruffled Isabel’s hair. She was such a kind girl. She was young and kind and sweet, and confident, and skilled. She had asked Nathalie to teach her how to read, and it didn’t take much for Furlan to join in on the lessons that they carried out in the evenings, in the barracks, after dinner. Nathalie had made sure to prepare all three of them for the upcoming Expedition. It was only two days ahead. It was their first time outside the walls. Nathalie had made sure the other two members of her squad welcomed them. She had led a squad two more times before. Only two were left and she had stopped leading for a few months.

She was nervous to start leading again. Admittedly, she preferred taking Erwin’s orders and being in his own squad, but no one was going to treat those three, better than she did. Still, there wasn’t really something new that she could teach them on ODM or combat. They were almost better than she was, especially Levi. He was impressive. She could hardly take her eyes off of him when he maneuvered in the drills that they ran. He was silent, and always sitting on a corner, sipping on his tea. He was skinny – all three of them were, and she expected nothing from people who grew up in poverty in the Underground. She only hoped they’d change that now aboveground.

“You’re learning so fast, darling! Somebody’s so very smart!” Nathalie continued ruffling Isabel’s ginger hair as she giggled and pressed her cheek down on Nathalie’s shoulder whilst Nathalie wrapped an arm around her. The both of them, sitting side by side on Isabel’s bed, legs spread in front of them and their backs against the wall.

“Of course, she’s smart,” Furlan smiled proudly as he settled down on his bed and grabbed the book that Nathalie had gifted him. “You should’ve seen how easily she picked up ODM,”

“I did, didn’t I?” Isabel’s bright green eyes lightened up in excitement and her cheeks got a bright red from all those compliments.

“No, she didn’t,” Levi clicked his tongue and sipped on his tea with a small smile on his lips that he made sure to hide behind his tea cup.

“Heyyy!!” Isabel frowned and Furlan chuckled.

“Well, it did take me two months to get the hang of it,” Nathalie confessed as she tucked her glasses back in place with her finger.

Isabel gasped. “Me too!” She looked excitedly at Nathalie with huge green eyes.

Nathalie chuckled. She stood up and caught the sheets and waited for Isabel to lie down comfortably before bringing them up her body, much like every other day ever since they started their lessons. She couldn’t help mothering that girl. Nathalie snuck out food from the kitchen more than a few times for her. Furlan was quietly reading his book, practicing, but Levi – Levi was trying to sip on his tea and stare anywhere but her.

But she was so perfect as she tucked Isabel to bed. She was wearing that dark blue, ankle-length skirt that he had seen her wear before over the last few months that they had been there. She had that white, buttoned up shirt on top, that she had stuffed beneath her skirt. Her pale-brown hair were a mess and her bright blue eyes stared in adoration down at Isabel behind the lenses of her circular, nerdy glasses. 

“You know what? Keep this,” Nathalie handed Isabel the book that she had given her. Nathalie had once read it to her, and she liked the plot. It was a bedtime story.

Isabel took it and stared at the book in adoration. It was the first time anybody had gifted her anything. She gasped. “Reallyyyy?”

“Sure!” Nathalie giggled. “Goodnight, Issy,” Nathalie planted a kiss on Isabel’s forehead and Isabel giggled.

“Goodnight, Nat!”

“Goodnight, boys,” Nathalie smiled at the other two, before she turned and walked out of their shared room. The three of them wanted to stay together. Levi said he needed to have his eyes on them both at all times and Nathalie understood and indulged him with his request. It made sense they would have trouble trusting anyone. They were raised not to trust anybody.

“Oi, Nat,”

Nathalie turned, only to see Levi. The barracks were silent at this hour, and he closed the door behind them. The two of them, now in the silent corridor. He was just a little taller than her, but just a little. She smiled at him as she turned, her body facing his and waiting for him to tell her what he was having in mind.

“I’d…” Levi sighed and his silver eyes slipped anywhere but her.

He rubbed the back of his neck almost awkwardly. Her smile grew. He didn’t know how to communicate. And it was alright. She was just as unsociable as he was. Or maybe he was a little worse than her when it came to socialising, but that was kind of reassuring. She wasn’t the only one who found it hard to speak to someone she didn’t know well enough. It felt nice knowing this.

“…I’d appreciate it if you taught me how to read too,” Levi finally formed the sentence that he had put so much effort into.

“Of course!”

Nathalie giggled and he finally looked somewhere other than the floor. He looked at her bright blue eyes and it was so strange that he didn’t feel even more awkward. The awkwardness seemed to instantly melt away. She was just so sweet when she giggled. But such thoughts were dangerous.

“Maybe after the Expedition. Is that okay?” Nathalie suggested and Levi parted his lips to respond, but he just ended up nodding in agreement.

It wasn’t unnoticed. The dark circles around his eyes. He didn’t sleep too much, did he? She wouldn’t be surprised if that was another unhealthy habit that he had picked from the Underground. Maybe she got a little too carried away, but she cupped his face. She needed to get a better look on those bags of tiredness that gathered beneath his eyes. But she had no idea how hard his heart was beating beneath his chest when she touched his skin with such gentle fingers. Her smile, not so wide this time. Just a tender curl in the corners of her lips. A genuine smile. It was all he could look at right now.

“Please, sleep tonight, Levi,” Nathalie said, and only when he delayed his response did she realise what she was doing. She was cupping his face. She immediately drew her hand back and chuckled awkwardly and looked away from him as much as she could. What the hell was she doing? She should leave. Fast.

“I should say the same about you,” Levi finally composed himself. It hadn’t gone unnoticed how she too had the same dark circles around her own eyes. “Thank you, for being so good to Isabel,” He had noted to himself to thank her about that. Right now, looked like a good time – now, that she was blushing and looking away from him, and her smile on her lips was so awkward but adorable.

“I- It’s nothing. G- Good squads are built on trust, right? I- I’m just doing my duty,” Nathalie stuttered.

Good squads are built on trust. She was right. And he trusted those two. He trusted they could take care of themselves, but he did not trust himself to keep them safe. He did not feel ready for the upcoming Expedition, but being prepared was never an option in everything that he ever did.

“W- We should rest,” Nathalie finally talked, realising that if none of them both continued being quiet and staring at each other, this was all going to get even more awkward.

Levi nodded.

“Goodnight, Levi,” She gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze, and that mere act made him freeze in place.

She had cupped his cheek, then squeezed his shoulder, just small, insignificant, normal little touches, that were the most he had ever had in his life. He wondered how it would feel if he buried his face in her shoulder. How her delicate fingers would feel in his hair. He wondered, and he stared at her as she walked down the corridor. Her dark blue, ankle-length skirt bounced around her legs with every step, and her brown hair were messy and barely touching her shoulders. Delicate, porcelain white arms hung from the sides. 

He just found himself staring at her as she walked away. She was so simple. So plain and simple, and nothing about her ever provoked a man. Innocent and nerdy, but so beautiful to stare at. And these thoughts were dangerous, because he wasn’t there to grow attached to anyone. He was there to kill someone. He was at least relieved that it wasn’t her. And he didn’t want her to see him whilst he’d murder her Section Commander.

Levi shot those stupid thoughts away and he walked back into his quarters. He wasn’t planning to sleep like all those other nights. Please, go to sleep, Levi. But now, maybe he was going to try – for her.

Nathalie was aware that ever since she started giving reading and writing lessons to Isabel and Furlan, she had stopped bringing food to Erwin. She only hoped he wasn’t mad about it. She only hoped he’d try to sneak away from work for once and look after himself. Still, she doubted he had done that. She knew this man would never put himself above his job. He’d never put anyone above that. It was just too important to him. And maybe, that’s how every high-ranked military officer should be, but he was the only one, and she admired him for that.

Still, she went to the kitchen of the Survey Corps HQ. She was all too familiar with the building. The staff were already dear friends of hers. She made some tea and put up a small meal for him, because she greatly doubted he had visited the Mess Hall today.

She managed to put up a little bread and cheese. She settled it on a tray along with two cups of tea and she headed for Erwin’s office. She knocked on his closed door, but he did not respond. She arched an eyebrow. It would be too out of character for Erwin to be sleeping on his actual bed and not having passed out on his desk. She walked in anyway. She smiled. He had indeed passed out as she expected him to. His cheek, pressing down on the back of his palm. His golden hair, messy and falling on his forehead. His white shirt, dishevelled. He was so peaceful, sleeping there, exposed and vulnerable. She was the only one who had ever seen him this way.

Nathalie rested the tray on an empty space on his desk. She wasn’t going to wake him. He barely ever got any sleep. There was this cosy, brown blanket that she had once snuck out of the supplies, but she hadn’t kept it. She had only used it to cover him with it because this wasn’t the first time she had found him passed out and asleep on his desk. He had kept it too. He had settled it neatly on the green couch that was facing his desk.

She took it and covered him beneath it, settling it around his shoulders. She couldn’t help staring down at him. He was so peaceful. He wasn’t putting up the act of the strong Section Commander, the Commander’s right-hand man who just carried so many responsibilities, even more than the actual Commander. No, now he was peaceful. Eyes closed, and gentle breaths escaping his nostrils. She wished she could convince him to go to bed if she woke him up, but it wasn’t going to work, so she didn’t wake him up at all.

She couldn’t help it though. Her hand reached for those messy golden locks that fell on his forehead and she pushed them aside. She wanted to make him more comfortable, but only ended up running her knuckles across his cheek. What the hell was happening to her? Why couldn’t she bring herself to leave and let him be? She wanted to kiss him. She wanted to drag him to bed and just force him to sleep because he needed it. He needed to rest normally.

Leave. She told herself. And she did just that. She left the tray there for him to eat when he’d wake up. He must have been hungry and exhausted. She only wished he’d look after himself for once. She sighed and turned around to leave. Maybe he wouldn’t look after himself, but she would.

She cared about him. More than she’d like to admit.

“Nathalie,”

Her eyes widened. Her fingers clenched around the doorknob but she didn’t twist it open. He was awake? She only wished he hadn’t noticed her as she ran her fingers on his cheek, and brushed his hair away, and stared at him like a fucking creep. She only wished it wasn’t too obvious that she was falling for this man, and this was obviously a predicament she had no idea how to deal with.

She pulled herself together and turned around and gave him a smile to mask her nervousness, but she was certain he could see right through her. She was certain he had already figured out everything, and that trying to hide was just too useless.

“Hey,” She approached him. “Thought I’d bring you something to eat. You must be hungry,” She fidgeted with the excess fabric of her skirt and chewed on her lower lip because he hadn’t responded to her. He was just staring at her. One of the many times she couldn’t tell what it was that he was thinking.

He knew it was her tucking him in that blanket that he’d find wrapped around him every time he’d wake up after a night of passing out on his desk. But he had just made sure of it now. He couldn’t deny that he was displeased when she stopped showing up by his office with a tray of food. She had stopped doing that, and he had stopped seeing her before the end of a day, and it had frustrated him.

“You’ve stopped coming to me,” Erwin finally spoke and her cheeks grew a bright red and she shifted uncomfortably in her position. Maybe he was right. Maybe she had to make sure she came to him first before anything else.

But she was going to be leading a five-member squad with three of them being new and she had to get to know them. She had to get them to trust her. She had to be there. He wasn’t the only thing on her mind. Or actually, he was. Just… not all the time… almost. She cringed at her own thoughts. Erwin was all she was ever thinking about.

“I- I’m so sorry, I was spending some time with my new squad members. I have to make sure to bring them back,”

Her fingers fidgeted with the fabric of her skirt and she looked away from him. She just hoped that was enough of an excuse. Which wasn’t even an excuse, it was the truth. She had lost squad members before, and she didn’t want the same thing happening again this time. Isabel, Furlan and Levi were good people. If any of them died, their lives would weigh heavily on her shoulders. Just like the previous three soldiers.

“Come here,” Erwin seemed to ignore her answer anyway. His eyes, fixated on her form. She did what he had asked. She approached him and he gave her a smile. “You brought two cups of tea. Why don’t you stay with me just a little longer?”

Now her cheeks got an even brighter shade of red, but she immediately pulled it off and returned the smile. She was intending to spend some time with him. It was exactly why she had brought two teacups.

“I’d love to,”

He had asked her to stay. He just needed someone there to talk to. About how he hated this rotten kingdom and how useless their Commander was, and how heavy the burdens of this job were, and his dreams. His dreams about a world without any titans, no walls, no oppressors from above. And she agreed to these all, because he was right about these all.

She had settled beside him on a separate chair and helped him with his excess paperwork whilst they finished their tea and talked and munched on that bread and cheese. Erwin had no idea how long they did that, and enjoyed each other’s company and talked, and ate and worked. He loved spending such time with her. Always so helpful and sweet and responding back to his ideologies positively. But they grew silent after a while and he felt a gentle weight on his shoulder.

Erwin turned and looked at her only to find her sleeping soundly on his shoulder. She was so peaceful. Her glasses a little shaken from her position, her hair, messy, and her eyes closed, rhythmic breaths escaped her nose, and he smiled. He could stare at her forever. She was tired, yet she hadn’t told him anything. She had still agreed to stay and spend those hours with him. And that’s where he didn’t exactly know what to do. Was he supposed to take her to bed? Her bed? He would have to pick her up. He would have to risk being sighted carrying her. Or else, he could take her to his bed, but she was going to run off again like she’d done before.

He was going to wake up on her rushing away without so much of a word. He didn’t want to scare her. He didn’t want to risk being seen either, because the more he thought about it, the more right she was to be scared. She was a member of his own squad and she had climbed into such a position so fast, in just one year. She was talented, but people did not look for talents and statistics. It would ruin her reputation if she was seen being with him as something more than just mere comrades. A Captain and a Section Commander.

So, what was he supposed to do?

Erwin’s smile dropped and he pursed his lips. He couldn’t protect her as a mere Section Commander. When he took the reins of the Survey Corps, things were going to change. She was going to be his. Even though, he should never engage in anything like that. He should never grow so attached. He shouldn’t let her stay so long beside him and have her tea with him, and laugh and talk and spend time. He shouldn’t have. They could die in this job any day, any second. She wasn’t going to be in his squad in the fast-approaching Expedition. He wouldn’t be able to keep an eye on her.

Erwin wrapped an arm around her waist and brought her closer. She pressed her cheek down on his shoulders and snuggled closer to him. Her nose found his neck and her one hand reached for his chest. She was beautiful. She was small and beautiful and needy. Dammit. These thoughts were dangerous.

His hand reached up and he cupped her face. He ran his rough thumb across her cheek. “E- Erwin…?” She mumbled as she began to stir. She couldn’t believe she had actually fallen asleep on him.

“You’re tired. You should go to sleep,” Erwin urged her to lift her face up resulting in her forehead touching his own. His nose, barely touching her own and bright blue, half-lidded eyes met his.

“What about you?” She cupped his face with her soft fingers. She was too tired to question her actions right now and even consider how wrong it was to be so close to him.

Erwin chuckled and gave her a soft smile. “I’ll be alright,”

“Please, Erwin… please, go to sleep tonight,” She pressed her cheek back down on his shoulder and she closed her eyes tiredly. She knew she had to stand up. She knew she had to head for her quarters, but she didn’t want to leave just yet. His one arm was warm around her waist. “We’ve covered up lots of paperwork… leave the rest for tomorrow… y- you need rest too,” She sighed.

His hand found her hair. Rough fingers buried within the messy brown locks of her hair and he caressed gently with a smile on his lips. He could not deny how beautifully his heart fluttered beneath his chest. How breathtaking she was to stare at.

“Alright… I’ll go to sleep too,” Erwin promised reassuringly, even though he knew, that was a promise that he wasn’t going to keep.

But he had convinced her. It was always easy for him to convince people. Especially her. She sighed. “Good,” She pulled herself off of him and made her way out of his office. “Goodnight, Erwin,”

“Goodnight… Nathalie,”

Chapter 6: The 23rd Expedition

“Marry me, Nat. Tomorrow, right here. No dresses, no suits. You, me, and our brats. I don’t know whether we’ll survive the next Expedition-”

“We will. We will, Levi, you don’t have to-”

“Let’s not wait to find out,”

She jumped up. Her eyes snapped open. She breathed hard and pushed the bedsheets off her body. She sat by the edge of her bed and buried her face in her hands. What the hell? Levi? Why did that voice sound like her own? Why was Levi’s voice in her dreams? No. That was no dream. It was something strange that she had no idea what. But her, marrying Levi? How? When? She had never thought of Levi this way. And Levi was supposed to be an enemy – a threat. He was there to kill Erwin.

But he was a good man. She was probably the only person in the Scouts – asides from Isabel and Furlan, who had actually taken the time to get know him. He was hard to open up, and he was finding it particularly hard to socialise. And she too was exactly that, so, she could understand him, and she knew exactly how to approach him. Having those three transferred to her own squad was a better idea than leaving them in Flagon’s. Flagon could not appreciate them enough.

It was the morning of another Expedition. The twenty-third Expedition. No wonder she was waking up from a weird nightmare. No wonder her hands were shaking, and a cold drop of sweat was running down her temple, and her gown was clinging on her body. What the hell was going to happen today? She had no idea. She just knew she was going to have few more lives on her shoulders, and they could die, and it was going to be her fault. And it was going to be terrible because she had lost squad members before, and she was about to add to that. And maybe she was the one who was going to lose her life. Or maybe it was going to be Erwin, or Hange, or Moblit, or the other two members of her squad – the two that survived the last time.

Why the hell was she into this? She was supposed to have a simple office job, tending to people like every doctor should, and she was going to be making a good amount of money, and she would be able to have her own home, or she’d live with her parents and she’d take care of them – returning the favour of them raising her when her parents gave her away. These had always been her plans. She had never planned for anything more than this. Then why the hell had she followed Erwin in this damn regiment where she had to deal with these all?

There was no backing out now. She’d rather die than be a deserter.

She understood well Erwin’s noble intentions. Wiping out the titans and bringing down the walls, and finding the truth about the world, and freeing humanity, and exploring everything that they didn’t yet know. But she never planned to fight.

Either way, she was here now. She was here and everybody said she was a good soldier and that her statistics were impressive and that she was a Captain, but it just never felt like it. She never felt safe enough out there. She didn’t care about being out there on her own. She’d probably survive more than a day. But she didn’t want people’s lives weighing on her conscience. But, no, Erwin had insisted that she led a squad. Erwin said that she was could do it – that she should learn to lead because one day she might end up becoming the Commander of the Survey Corps.

She was never made for that.

She was made to be in a lab. She was made to be a doctor, a scientist, a researcher. She wasn’t a soldier no matter how good she was at it. It was strange because she was good in many things. Whatever she tried to do – she did it to perfection. But she wasn’t happy as a leader and Erwin seemed to be blind to this.

Nathalie forced herself up. She washed her face and changed her clothes into her uniform. It was still too early in the morning. She was to meet her squad by the stables.

And she did. They didn’t seem too nervous considering they were about to step out of the walls for the first time. They were going to be seeing titans for the first time. But they seemed relaxed like nothing was happening. And she shouldn’t be surprised. She knew they had been through hell in the Underground. Things that people aboveground couldn’t quite understand. If they could, they wouldn’t be treating them like this.

“Captain,” Nathalie turned to the sound of a familiar voice. It was Sairam. A talented soldier in her squad – one of the two who had survived the last time.

Nathalie smiled at the boy and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Sairam, darling, are you ready?”

“Yes, ma’am,”

“Where’s Rikki?”

“Captain!” A voice came from behind and a girl approached Nathalie. “The horses are ready, ma’am,”

Nathalie smiled at Rikki. “Thank you, darling. Let me introduce you two to the three new members,” She turned at the other three. They had refused to socialise with anyone those past few months, but it was time they learned who they were supposed to be working with. “This is Levi, Isabel and Furlan. You will treat them all three with respect, isn’t that right, my darlings?”

Both seemed to resist and she could pretty much tell from the way they both grimaced. Nathalie frowned and squeezed their shoulders on a specific spot that had certain neurons beneath that if squeezed, hurt like hell. Both Sairam and Rikki winced and tensed up.

“Y- Yes! Ma’am!”

“Absolutely!”

They both cried out and Nathalie finally let go of them both and smiled at them. “Good! Now let’s get going, shall we?”

Levi had a smirk on his lips as he watched her walk away and mount her brown horse with ease. Her other two members did the same, and Levi, Furlan and Isabel set off to mount their own horses and stand with their squad, behind their Captain. Nathalie had been so friendly to the three of them and she made sure that everyone else was too. She defended them when everybody else would look down on them. Levi usually wouldn’t care about people looking down on him. He knew people criticised and kept criticising no matter how useless it was. But then it was she – who defended him and his friends and he realised that no one had ever done that before.

She really was different. She believed in all three of them.

And Levi kept reminding himself that he was going to ruin that by killing Erwin.

But it was for the sake of a job. They were all going to get citizenships after this. They were all never going to step foot on that wretched place again. They were going to live the normal lives they all had so much longed for. And Nathalie wasn’t going to be part of their lives. And maybe it was best that it stayed that way.

The gates opened and Commander Shadis gave the order for them to start riding out into the open. It was beautiful. Levi found himself staring up at the sky in awe. He’d never felt the rush of wind on his face, his body like this. It was clean, and smelled of grass and flowers and it was soothingly cold. The sunrays were warm on his skin as he stared up at the sky.

“Not bad,” Levi mumbled and he was so unaware of Nathalie looking at him with a smile on her face. She had had the same reaction when she first rode out of those gates in Shiganshina.

Nathalie urged herself to focus and ride ahead. The sight of Levi’s face staring in awe – a slight tinge of happiness in his steel eyes – she kept it all in memory. It was the closest to emotion she had seen coming from him.

“Titans sighted! They’re too close for us to avoid! Engage in ODM!”

The Commander’s voice came from ahead and Nathalie loaded her blades. “Maintain your current course!” She ordered her squad members. “Sairam! Take charge!”

“Yes, ma’am!”

She changed the direction of her horse and she headed towards the three titans. They were three of them. And they seemed taller than ten-metres. She could handle this on her own just fine. They didn’t seem like abnormals. She hooked herself on the shoulder of a titan. A hand came for her to grab her, but she maneuvered out of the way. She hooked herself on its back and headed straight for the nape. She sliced it off and headed for another titan. A gigantic hand was reaching out for her. She hooked on it and ran all over the hand’s length till she reached the shoulder. She hooked herself on the other shoulder and she sliced off the nape landing on the third and final titan’s head. It shrieked and its hands reached for her. She jumped off the head and hooked herself on its back. She sliced off its nape as well.

Her horse was waiting below. She landed right on top of the saddle and she grabbed the reins and headed back to her squad. The titan blood started evaporating from the lenses of her glasses. She never reached her squad. Three more were coming from the south. She gritted her teeth. Shit.

She rode towards them, realising that Levi, Isabel and Furlan had engaged on them. Her eyes widened. Shit, shit, shit. They were going to die. She should have ordered them to stand down. But her eyes widened when she realised that one of them was an abnormal who had already wiped out a squad.

“Go for the knees,” Levi instructed Furlan and Isabel who rode beside him. “I’ll get its attention. Once it crashes down, I’ll go for the nape,” Levi said and the other two nodded.

“Got it!” It came in unison. He hooked himself on the titan’s back and flew right in front of its face. Its hands reached for him, but Levi maneuvered away from its grasp. Both Furlan and Isabel hooked themselves on its legs and sliced the knees with swift moves. Once the titan came crashing down, Levi sliced off the nape.

The other two titans were heading to grasp the three of them. Nathalie sliced off their napes with swift moves before they got to reach them. Levi just found himself staring at her and at how fast she did it. Two titans came crashing down in a blink of an eye. She wasn’t going to let squad members of her own die on this mission. She’d better let herself die than them. A fourth titan came and crashed her horse beneath its foot. Nathalie stared at her wailing horse and her eyes widened.

She landed down on the soil. She hooked herself back on the fourth titan’s leg and she sliced her way upwards. Whilst she kept it distracted, Levi sliced off the nape, and when she landed back down on the ground, Levi approached her on his own horse and he offered his hand down to her. Was he really going to let her ride with him? She was as good as titan food without a horse.

“C’mon,” Levi encouraged and she bit her tongue.

She grabbed his hand and he pulled her up with ease. She knew she wasn’t too heavy, but he didn’t look heavy either. He looked skinny and weak, but the easiness he pulled her up with was just incredible to fathom. She sat behind him, and it felt like he was snatching the lead from her hands – which she didn’t mind one bit. She didn’t want to lead anyway.

“Hold onto me,” Levi instructed as he grasped the reins and urged the horse to begin running again to catch up with the others.

Nathalie wasn’t about to listen to him. She was already shaken about her strange dream where it was him and she planning out their marriage. Of all people – she and Levi married. And why the hell was her brain showing her something like this in the form of a pretty real dream. Still, everything about Levi felt welcoming and familiar. But the only reason she wrapped her arms around his waist was for how fast his horse started moving.

Nathalie let out a yelp of surprise and immediately clung onto him, her chest, pressed against his back and her chin, drilling his shoulder in an oddly satisfying way. Nathalie chuckled awkwardly and her cheeks got a bright red as she realised exactly how they were sitting like right now. She was entirely pressed against him, holding onto him for dear life. Shit. That’s awkward.

“S- Sorry about that,”

Alas, she had no idea, Levi was feeling just as embarrassed as she was. But he mainly focused on making sure that Furlan, Isabel, and she were safe. “Just try not to fall off,”

“Captain Burgess!” Sairam’s voice came from behind as him and Rikki came riding on their horses with Furlan and Isabel.

“Ma’am! Your horse!” Rikki cried out. 

“It’s alright,” Nathalie reassured them both. “The ruins of Ehrmich Castle are not too far from here. We’ll be staying there for the night by the Commander’s orders,”

༻◊۞◊༺

“We’ll be moving to the south tomorrow. We should be able to reach Shiganshina by sundown,” Commander Shadis instructed at his Captains and Section Commanders who had gathered all around. They had sprawled out the maps on a large wooden table and their Commander was discussing their plans for the next day.

Nathalie frowned. “With all due respect, sir,” She started. She knew she was a woman, and she shouldn’t even be daring to open her mouth, but her Commander was being absurd. “The titans we encountered today were coming from the south. Our forecast for tomorrow is that it’s going to rain. If we head to the south, chances are we’re going to come across another group of titans that the rain and fog will not be allowing us to spot. We’re going to be losing a great deal of soldiers if you lead us this way,”

“It’s the fastest way to Shiganshina, Captain,” Keith reminded her and she frowned even more. That’s no excuse.

“If I may so, sir, Captain Burgess is right,” Erwin cut in. “It’s best that we secure a safe route on our way to Wall Maria. We don’t need to lose more soldiers than necessary,”

Keith sighed. “Fine. Flagon, I’ll leave that to you,”

Flagon seemed greatly displeased. It was Erwin’s and Nathalie’s idea to even go a different route. They were the ones that should work on it. He still sighed and nodded. “Yes, sir,”

“Get some rest,” Keith instructed. “Dismissed,”

Nathalie let out a sigh of relief. For a moment, she was afraid that they weren’t going to take into consideration her assumptions that made perfect sense. If Erwin wasn’t there to side with her, they were going to lose more than a few soldiers the next day.

“Good job, Nat,” Erwin placed a hand around her shoulders as the two of them began walking back to their squads.

“Thanks, Erwin. He wouldn’t listen to me if you hadn’t spoken up,” Nathalie chewed on her lip.

“I’d speak up anyway. We can’t afford to lose any more soldiers. We did lose a squad today,” Erwin reasoned and she nodded. “I heard you killed lots of titans today,”

She chuckled. “Yeah, I would like to report an upgrade in my stats,” She stopped walking for a moment and turned and looked up at him. “Forty-four total solo kills, and forty-six assists,”

Erwin’s smirk grew. That woman didn’t even want to join the Survey Corps and she was the best soldier in their ranks. “You know that’s larger than any other veteran in here, right?” He took a step closer and stared down at her in adoration.

She giggled. “Oh c’mon. It’s no big deal,”

“It is,” Erwin watched her as she turned around and began walking away again.

He followed her, and she was fairly aware of his arm lingering around her waist in an almost possessive manner. She knew he was proud of her. She knew he was pleased. That’s all that she had ever strived to make him be for her. So, she allowed him to bring her closer – almost pressed against him as she threw her head back against his shoulder. They were heading for their bags. Erwin wanted to check a few papers, and she wanted to get her handkerchief and rub her glasses clean.

But Levi was standing there, alone, back against the wall and arms crossed against his chest. A dead expression on his face. And when he caught glimpse of them approaching, he was just about to start cursing mentally, but he realised that Erwin wasn’t alone. Nathalie was beside him and he had an arm thrown around her, and she was leaning against him, and her head was on his shoulder. Why the hell were those two so close to each other? They almost looked like a couple. Are they one?

Levi gritted his teeth and cursed mentally. Of all people, why him. Nathalie deserved much better than this manipulative bastard. Jealousy boiled beneath his chest, but he let out a sigh that temporarily put down the wildfire of anger that had started to build up inside of him.

“Oh, Levi. What are you doing here, darling?” Nathalie asked as she stood straight and took a step away from Erwin when they approached Levi.

But Erwin’s arm still lingered around her waist, not letting go for one bit. She didn’t quite focus on that. Her attention was on Levi and Erwin bit on his tongue slightly. He wanted her attention on him at all times. Levi shouldn’t be on her mind, not even for a second. But he had seen how she had shared a horse with Levi – holding onto him so tightly whilst he guided the horse, and he seemed to be the one who was leading the fifth squad instead of her – the actual Captain of the fifth squad. He didn’t like seeing a man so close to Nathalie.

“Where are your subordinates?” Erwin asked casually, shooting aside his anger and jealousy.

“They’re not my subordinates,” Levi said curtly. It was clear he was in no mood to start a conversation with the man that he so much hated. He looked from the corner of his eyes at Erwin’s tight hold around Nathalie’s waist and he cursed mentally once more.

Nathalie looked at the two as they began to glare at each other. She cringed. She knew that from Erwin’s perspective, Levi was the man who was sent there to murder him, but she also knew that Erwin had seen potential in this man. Potential that she had also seen. Levi was about to become the best soldier the Scouts had ever seen. Better than Nathalie, better than Erwin and every other high ranked soldier in the Regiment. Not to mention that Isabel and Furlan had that same potential. But Levi — Levi was a special case that Nathalie was almost ashamed to be his superior. He should be her superior.

“Erwin! Have I told you that Levi slaughtered three titans today as well? Furlan and Isabel took care of two. Isn’t that impressive?” Nathalie immediately changed the subject and she turned at Erwin, pressing a hand on his chest. Her eyes searched for his own, trying her best to interrupt those two from mentally murdering each other with their intense staring competition.

Erwin was instantly snapped out of that and all he had to do was meet her bright blue eyes for him to calm down. “Did they? That’s impressive indeed,” Something about the way he said it, he didn’t sound convinced enough.

“Come on. Let’s update their stats, shall we?” Nathalie caught Erwin’s hand and began dragging him away. 

She had no idea where Furlan and Isabel were. Levi seemed to be keeping watch over the room with their personal belongings and Nathalie assumed that both Isabel and Furlan were looking for the papers that they were ordered to steal. There was no way they were going to find them though. Erwin had those papers on his body at all times. 

Levi let out a sigh of relief. Not only did she praise him for his skills, but she also drove Erwin away, ridding him of the chance to slice Erwin’s neck right this instant and blow their cover. But Levi looked at them as they walked away, and he noticed Erwin’s arm slipping around her waist again. Bastard. Levi gritted his teeth. This asshole did not deserve Nathalie as his own. Why the hell was he holding her like this? Were they together? 

Well it was a good thing that he was going to be murdering this man. Because then Nathalie could be his. 

Nathalie frowned as she stared at Erwin as he filled a couple of papers, making the new kill counts official. She crossed her arms against her chest. She always thought of Erwin to be the most mature of them all. She never thought he’d glare at the man who had saved her life today and saved the lives of many Scouts that could’ve been killed if Levi wasn’t there to kill those titans. Erwin had brought this man from the Underground himself because he knew he had potential, he had said it himself. Then what was wrong?

“What was that?” Nathalie asked as she crossed her arms against her chest. Erwin was too busy signing papers. He wasn’t sitting. This was obviously a job that didn’t require him to sit down in some rich office. He was only scribbling down the numbers so that he’d sign them when they’d return back.

“What was what?” Erwin asked, not even once looking at her, but he could sense the frown on her face.

“You and Levi, glaring at each other! I know he’s supposed to be hostile, but he’s a precious asset and a member of my squad — which means he’s my responsibility and under my protection,” Nathalie frowned deeply and Erwin finally stopped writing down and looked at her. He arched an eyebrow and a look of disbelief spread across his face.

“The way I take it, is that you’re mad at me for glaring at him,” Erwin concluded. He couldn’t believe this. What was Levi to her except just a member of her squad? Erwin scoffed. He should have never let those three be reassigned to her squad. He should’ve kept them away from her.

“Yes, I am,” Nathalie stated as a matter-of-factly. “You brought him here because he will soon become our strongest soldier. You two will have to learn to get along,” 

Nathalie walked away without so much as a word, leaving Erwin just staring at her as she walked away, wide-eyed and surprised. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been scolded by someone about such a thing as childish behaviour. He thought he had gotten rid of his childish antics, but here she was, Nathalie — five years younger than him, but still pointing them out and acting the way that he should be. She was right. He shouldn’t worry about Levi stealing Nathalie from him. Nathalie had chosen to join the Survey Corps just because he had asked it of her. He couldn’t hope to keep her affection if he kept acting like this. She was right.

But he wasn’t going to let her share Levi’s horse for another day.

Nathalie smiled at Isabel and Furlan, the two of them sitting down on their sleeping bags and Levi settled down on his own sleeping bag. Hange had just finished bugging them about sharing their impressive skills with others and Isabel let out squeal of excitement and she immediately shifted making some place for Nathalie on her own sleeping bag.

“Hey, Nat! You’re gonna sit with us?” Isabel asked. Her bright green eyes, sparkled childishly. She was so precious.

“If you want me to,” Nathalie smiled and she looked at Levi waiting for permission. She was his Captain, but she was still asking for permission. Levi avoided her gaze all he could.

“Levi-bro! Can Nat sit with us? Pretty pleaseeee!” Isabel whined.

“Fine,” Levi said, even though he had been trying to hide his smile behind his frown. Nathalie giggled. This man was always trying to hide behind either a dead, aloof expression, or a frown. She could somehow always tell what hid beneath.

“Yay!”

“Of course,” Furlan chuckled as he watched Nathalie settling down beside Isabel. The young girl rested back against Nathalie’s chest whilst Nathalie wrapped her arms around her. It was so cosy right there, in Nathalie’s hug. Isabel allowed her head to roll back against Nathalie’s shoulder and she let out a yawn.

“You guys did such a great job today, I’m so proud of you!” Nathalie ruffled Isabel’s ginger hair and Isabel giggled.

“We were sure we could do it!” Isabel said energetically.

“Well, I’ve had my doubts, but it’s not worse than surviving the Underground,” Furlan said.

“I’m so sorry that you three had to go through this all,” Nathalie sighed and looked away from all three of them. “Living in the Underground, I mean,” She pressed her cheek fondly down on Isabel’s temple and Isabel seemed to be enjoying every bit of affection that Nathalie was giving her. Both Levi and Furlan just found themselves unable to keep themselves from cracking a smile. “But now you’re with us. I hope that you three will get to build new, better lives,”

“That we’ll do,” Furlan sighed as he lied down on his sleeping bag.

“Nat?”

“Hmm?”

“Will you stay with me till I fall asleep?” Isabel asked. Her cheeks got a bright red. She was a soldier, she shouldn’t be asking something so embarrassing as this. But she was still a child. And Nathalie knew that well.

“Of course, darling,” Nathalie planted a kiss on top of her hair and Isabel just snuggled into her a little more. Nathalie smiled pressing her cheek on top of her hair and holding onto her, waiting for her to fall asleep.

Nathalie met Levi’s eyes for a moment. Even for a brief moment she saw something in those silver irises that usually harboured naught but indifference – adoration. For her? She didn’t know. It wasn’t time to find out. Nathalie gave him a soft smile and he averted his eyes away from her own fast enough to not allow her commit any of this to memory. Nathalie was being too good to them. Staying there to hold Isabel whilst she slept. Levi knew Isabel had nightmares. Her life as a child in the Underground wasn’t easy and there were more than a few times that he had woken up to her crying. Levi was always there for her, like a big brother. And now it was Nathalie holding onto her whilst she slowly drifted off to sleep.

And Nathalie had no reason to do that. Nathalie had no reason to be good to them. She had no reason to stick by them, and praise them, and admit their superiority to battle, and protect them with her title as their Captain. She had no reason to spend her afternoons teaching Furlan and Isabel how to read and write. Nathalie was just too good. Levi had almost lost all hope of finding good people in this world. He had considered that maybe she’d have some other goal in mind. Maybe she was there to get them to trust her and sniff out their plans. But it just didn’t feel like it. And Levi knew a threat when he saw one. Nathalie was no threat to them, and he trusted his instincts on this one.

Nathalie giggled when she realised Isabel had actually fallen asleep on her. “Somebody’s sound asleep,” She whispered with a soft smile on her lips as she gently slipped away from Isabel and settled her body down on her sleeping bag.

She pulled the blanket up, covering Isabel beneath its warmth, and cupping the girl’s face, staring fondly down at her. Nathalie pushed a strand of ginger hair away from Isabel’s forehead and she stood straight. Nathalie turned around. She found Levi, still sitting down on his sleeping bag. He was holding onto a cup of tea that had surely turned cold by now. His hand, propped up on his bent-up knee. His attention, forced elsewhere, even when she stood in front of him.

“You should get some rest,” Nathalie said.

“You too,”

She chuckled. She wasn’t going to be sleeping for another night, was she? But she didn’t say anything more. “Goodnight, Levi,” That was all, and she walked away.

How much of a fool could he be? Hoping for this amazing woman to be his one day? Erwin was far better than him in every way he could think of. No matter. He was going to kill Erwin soon, but even then, he shouldn’t hope to stand a chance. He shouldn’t even be thinking about this. This woman was going to die one day like everyone else. He shouldn’t be growing attached one bit.

“Goodnight… Nat,” He said, even though he knew she was far away and she couldn’t have possibly heard him.

Chapter 7: Death And Despair

Notes:

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR COMMENTS PLS KEEP 'EM COMING 🥰🥰🥰
PLUS, MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO LEVI LOML

UNEDITED!

It started raining the next day. They were taking a more secure route back to Shiganshina. But as expected, rain and fog gathered around them. Nathalie pulled the hood up her head. It wasn’t going to do much against the thunderous rain, but it was better than nothing. She turned and looked back at the members of her squad that rode nearby her.

“Stay together,” Nathalie ordered. “I will not be able to protect you if you drift off. Is that understood?”

“Yes, ma’am!”

She let out a sigh. She hated this. She could barely make out the direction she was supposed to lead them. The fog was thick and in a range of five metres, she could see nothing. It was the worst to go out on Expeditions during winter. Sometimes she wondered what the hell it was that Keith was thinking. This man had his moments as a good Commander, but sometimes he was terrible.

“Uh… ma’am?” Sairam talked from behind her, and she turned and looked at him.

“Yes?”

“Levi and the others… they’ve drifted away,” He pointed out and she turned and looked back and her eyes widened. Shit.

“What the hell did I just say?!” Nathalie growled.

“Should we go after the- AH!” Rikki let out a scream when a titan caught her.

“Rikki!” Sairam cried out.

Rikki and the titan who had grabbed her, vanished beneath the thick fog, but that wasn’t going to stop Nathalie. She jumped on her saddle and pulled out her swords. She sent the hook towards the direction of the titan.

“Sairam! Back to Flagon’s squad! Keep pushing ahead!” Nathalie ordered.

It looked like she had hooked herself on the shoulder of a titan. It didn’t seem to be an abnormal. She sliced off its fingers and it let go of her soldier. She hooked herself on the back of its other shoulder and she sliced off the nape. Rikki had landed on the open mouth of a small titan. Nathalie’s eyes widened. Shit. Shit, shit, shit… She wasn’t fast enough. By the time she had slaughtered the smaller titan, Rikki was already dead.

No. Not again.

“CAPTAIN!”

Nathalie turned around only to watch Sairam get eaten. She hooked herself on the leg of the titan bringing herself up. She reached its shoulder and she sliced the nape. Half of Sairam was already down the titan’s throat. That was it. She was going to lose her entire squad today. She was going to fail again, just like the previous time. Those two had made it out of the previous time and that was because she had come to their rescue. This time, she wasn’t fast enough. What the hell was she supposed to tell to their parents? What the hell was she supposed to do when she’d get back? No. She didn’t really want to make it back.

But she had more people to rescue. She had to get it together, and she had to find Levi, Furlan and Isabel. She had to get there in time before that horde of titans reach them. Nathalie landed back down on her horse – the horse that Erwin had insisted that she take as her own. He had been so adamant about it. He didn’t want her to spend another day riding alongside Levi. But if he had let her, then Levi and the others wouldn’t drift off. Maybe they were planning to make their move right now, in the fog and the rain. They’d go after Erwin and murder him. But this was a stupid move. It was the worst time for this. Titans were about to head their way.

Nathalie grabbed onto the reins and she urged her horse to move faster. Blood had spilled on her face, her clothes, her hands. She didn’t know whether it was Sairam’s or Rikki’s. She had no idea. She just rushed because she wasn’t going to let the other three die. She was sure that Levi was safe and he was skilled enough. But the other two? Isabel. She couldn’t let Isabel die. Isabel was so young and precious.

Nathalie heard the familiar footsteps of titans. She jumped onto her saddle and sent her hook towards the direction she heard the titan coming from. She drew herself up and hooked herself on its shoulder. She sliced the nape off, and then headed for another one. A gigantic hand was coming for her but she sliced the fingers off and climbed on top of it. She run all the way to its shoulder. It turned and caught her by her stomach and bit her. Nathalie let out a yelp of pain and pressed her hands against its teeth, to keep it from shattering her belly and crushing her body in two.

She caught her sword and used it to slice the skin of the opening of its mouth, easing the tighteness of the jaw. She slipped down the tongue and sliced the nape from the inside. Nathalie emerged from the nape of the titan and she landed down on the grass. Carcasses of titans spread everywhere around her as if somebody had just slaughtered them all.

Nathalie let out a wince and pressed her hand against the bleeding wound on her stomach. It had drenched her clothes in blood. The rain kept dropping from above, relentless. She dropped on her knees. Blood filled her mouth and she spit it out. Nathalie coughed and clutched on her wound. She was probably alone and no one was coming for her. Her squad had probably been wiped out. And her assumption was confirmed when she looked ahead and spotted a head. Isabel’s head. And not too far away, Furlan’s half body.

Nathalie gritted her teeth and shut her eyes. Tears ran down her cheeks. They were dead. They were all dead. Isabel was dead. It was all her fault. Her sweet smile and that lovely laugh was still in her memory. “Will you stay with me till I fall asleep?” Nathalie wept there, kneeling on titan territory surrounded by titan carcasses and human dismembered bodies. A titan was going to find her soon and it was going to eat her. She was bleeding anyway. Her entire squad, dead. She’d rather die than face their parents and tell them why she had failed to bring their children back.

Nathalie lied down on the cold, wet grass. Both her arms wrapped around her and pressing down her wound as much as she could. She shut her eyes. It would be best if she drifted to unconsciousness while a titan ate her. She didn’t know how long she lied there. It was all a dark blur. She just mourned their deaths and waited for her own to come.

But it never did.

Erwin was nearby with his own squad. “Inspect the area! Look for survivors!” Erwin ordered and they did as they were told right away.

Erwin urged his horse to ride to approach the human members that were scattered around. He recognised them. The members of Nathalie’s squad. Then Nathalie was supposed to be here as well. What if she was dead? What if one of those members was her own and she had just been devoured by a titan? Erwin’s blood ran cold in his veins. He couldn’t think of it. Her dying. No. Nathalie was smart. Nathalie was skilled. She was a skilled soldier and he had taught her everything he knew. She wouldn’t fail him. She wouldn’t die.

He wouldn’t allow it.

“I found a survivor, sir!”

Erwin jumped off his horse and approached the man and he looked down and it was her. She was alive. Pale and wounded and bleeding, but she was alive. Erwin let out a breath he hadn’t even noticed he had been holding and he immediately rushed towards her. He knelt beside her and gathered her small body in his arms. He picked her up with ease.

“Careful, sir. She’s injured. We need to take her to a hospital fast,” The soldier said and Erwin nodded.

“She’ll ride with me,” Erwin looked down at her limp body. She was trembling, and shivering. She was cold and pale. She had lost much blood. They had to hurry if she was to survive.

A man let out a cry and tried to attack him. Erwin turned around to see Levi. He was drenched in titan blood that was vaporising. Drenched in rain and tears in his eyes, but he was furious. His friends had just been killed. He was about to murder this man, and he’d enjoy doing it.

“I’m here to kill you,” Levi growled. His blade would have come flying for Erwin’s neck, but it was then that he realised, Erwin was holding Nathalie. And she was passed out. There was a wound on her stomach. She was pale and bleeding. His eyes widened, and he halted his attack.

“I don’t have the documents you were here for,” Erwin said. “They’ve most likely reached Premier Zackly’s office by now. Lovof is finished,”

Levi gritted his teeth. “You knew everything from the start… You played with the lives of my comrades as if they meant nothing!” He tried to attack Erwin again, but Miche grabbed him and held him in place.

“I’m not the one who killed your comrades, Levi. Don’t you see? The titans killed Furlan and Isabel, and we know nothing about the titans, the world is arrogant and some people choose to bask in this arrogance, in the comfort of their homes behind the safety of the walls, but that doesn’t change anything,” Erwin said. “We’ll remain trapped in these walls forever unless we do something, and the only people willing to do something are being denied their sponsorship. Don’t you see who the real enemy is here?”

Levi dropped to his knees. His eyes still wide in shock staring in the distance. He was starting to regret. He was starting to throw the blame on his shoulders, and hate himself, for everything.

“Don’t regret,” Erwin said. “If you begin to regret, you’ll dull your future decisions and let others make your choices for you,”

Erwin climbed on his horse, and brought Nathalie’s limp body in front of him. He grabbed the reins and just as he was about to start riding away, Levi finally spoke and Erwin turned and looked back at him.

“Is she okay?”

Erwin bit his tongue slightly. Just how much did Levi care for Nathalie? It didn’t matter. She was going to ride with him now. He was going to take her safely back to a hospital, and she was going to be okay. Erwin cupped her cheek. She was cold. Colder than before. He checked her pulse point in her neck. There was a beat. She was alive. Erwin took off his cloak and wrapped it around her tightly. He didn’t mind the rain. She needed it more than he did.

“She’s alive,” Erwin started riding away fast.

He needed to reach Shiganshina in time. He couldn’t let Nathalie die. He had an arm around her that instantly tightened protectively, pressing down on her wound that had started staining his cloak as well. Her head rolled back against his shoulder. His heart was beating hard beneath his chest. It was the first time he was so terrified of losing someone on the field. Maybe asking her to join the Survey Corps was a mistake. If she died, it was going to be his fault entirely. He’d face her parents himself. And he wouldn’t show one bit how much it would wreck him.

And when everybody was behind the wall’s safety, and Erwin had finally reached the hospital, the doctors took her and a few other wounded soldiers right in. Erwin was left in the empty hall, and he watched her as the nurses rolled her away. He just hoped that she was going to be alright. That he had brought her there on time for them to save her.

 

 

Chapter 8: Affection

Notes:

THANK U SO MUCH FOR COMMENTING and sorry, the levi x nat thing is gonna keep up for a few chapters, but don't be discouraged, daddy Erwin will definitely ruin levi's happiness lmaooooooo

UNEDITED!

“Hey, Nat, take it easy, girl, c’mon, you can do it,” Hange encouraged but she didn’t really have to.

Nathalie had just walked half of Trost with that cane in her hands. It was temporary. Or at least, the doctors said so before letting her exit the hospital. A bandage tied tightly around her waist. She had spent almost a week of immense pain and puking her guts out. Each step came with radiating pain in her stomach. Every move and shifting muscle was an absolute agony. But Nathalie still went to Sairam’s and Rikki’s parents. She still told them their children were dead and it was all her fault. And they tossed her out of their houses and cursed at her and screamed and cried. At least, Furlan and Isabel had no recorded relatives or acquaintances that needed to be informed of their deaths except Levi.

She hadn’t seen Levi ever since that day. She hadn’t seen Erwin at all. He didn’t visit her in the hospital. Not once. Only Hange and Moblit came. The only two people she could ever rely on. Nathalie hadn’t contacted her parents either. She didn’t want to go to them and have them seeing the atrocious state that she was in right now. Dark circles around her eyes and she couldn’t tell whether it was all the crying or the sleep-deprivation. Seven days of staying in bed and being unable to sleep because their faces flashed in her mind whenever she’d close her eyes. It had driven her insane. How was she supposed to face Levi? It was her fault Isabel and Furlan had died. They were under her leadership. She had failed. She could not lead. That was painfully clear.

“I’m alright,”

Nathalie pressed a hand on Hange’s shoulder and she gave Hange the realest smile she could manage right now. But that didn’t ease Hange’s worry one bit. She still kept an arm around her, making sure she wouldn’t collapse. Nathalie pressed some of her weight on her cane and she started limping further within the Survey Corps HQ.

“You’re not alright, Nat,” Hange stopped her from moving any further and pulled her into a tight hug. Nathalie buried her face in her shoulder and she shut her eyes, once again holding back the need to cry. “Erwin’s been asking for you,” Hange said and that’s when Nathalie pulled back and chuckled bitterly.

“Is… Section Commander Smith in his office right now?” Nathalie said, with an odd formality, and a dead serious look on her face, choking her tears back. Erwin. Erwin didn’t care one bit. She felt bitter, because he hadn’t visited her. He hadn’t sent a single letter. He hadn’t tried to even find out whether she was still alive.

“Uh, yes, I believe he-”

Before Hange could finish the sentence, Nathalie was already limping her way to Erwin’s office. If he was there, then it meant he had no meetings, and nothing else but paperwork. He’d be alone if she was lucky enough. She wanted to spit him in the face but her dignity would not allow that knowing somebody was going to see it.

Hange did not get to catch up on her. She was already inside. Erwin was sitting by his desk. A few piles of papers all around him and a pen between his fingers. And when he realised somebody walked in, he looked up and saw her, his eyes widened and he let his pen down right away.

Hair messy, shiny blue eyes in dark circles. Her glasses resting by the bridge of her nose. She was in a white buttoned shirt and a brown skirt. She made her way towards him, but she was limping and grunting, and she walked with the help of a cane. One hand was clutching on the bandaged wound on her stomach. She looked terrible. She shouldn’t be here. She should take a few days off and just recover before returning to HQ. But she had that dead, indifferent expression on her face despite the fact that she was obviously in pain.

“Nathalie, you shouldn’t be-” Erwin tried to say but she cut him. Her hand let go of her wound and dipped into her bag. She picked a few papers and tossed them onto his desk.

“I would like to deliver my resignation… sir,”

Erwin’s eyes widened as he looked down at the papers. Everything was signed and prepared and it needed one more signature, from him to make her resignation official. But, no, he couldn’t let her resign. She was such a talented soldier. She had the highest kill count in their ranks. She was one of his best Captains. She was a brilliant Titan Biologist and she wanted to experiment on titans. She had charisma and potential. His plans weren’t going to work without her. She had worked so hard. She was going to toss everything aside now?

She turned around to leave but he spoke. “Nathalie. I don’t think it’s a good time to resign right now. You’re one of our best soldiers. I know your squad was wiped out but you know sacrifices have to be made for-”

“Sacrifices,” She chuckled bitterly, and she shook her head. “Collateral damage. Another step made forward to reach to the top of your mountain of corpses,” She turned and looked at him with tears in her eyes and pain on her face. “I’m done, Erwin. I followed you everywhere. My entire life…” She chuckled. “…this is what I have always done. I was always so happy by your side. But I’m not happy anymore. You ask things of me that I cannot deliver,” Tears streamed down her cheeks and a sob erupted from her throat. “I’m sorry,” Nathalie walked out of his office and shut the door, leaving a man – wreck behind.

Sacrifices have to be made. Sacrifices that only he was willing to pay. She was done. What the hell did mankind ever do for her? What the hell did Erwin ever do for her? Nathalie was done. Maybe these were all thoughts of the moment. Thoughts that she’d dismiss as wrong at a later time. But for now, it made sense for her to leave. She had lived out her years as a Scout anyway. She was already a veteran.

Nathalie limped towards the room that Levi, Furlan and Isabel used to share. It was probably empty now. She still went there. She opened the door, finding the three beds, neatly made and empty. She looked by Isabel’s bed on the left. She could almost imagine Isabel there, looking at her with those same bright green, innocent eyes. A smile on her face as she’d jump on a sitting position and pat at the empty place beside her.

“Please! Will you continue reading that story you read to me yesterday?”

Nathalie found the book, standing untouched on the mattress. She took it and sat down on the floor, settling it in her lap. She rested her cane on the floor. Her back, against the edge of her bed. Her legs, gathered beneath her. Her long, ankle length brown skirt, a soft pile of fabric beneath her body. Nathalie wept there silently. She held onto the brown leathered book with both hands. Tears ran down her cheeks, making a mess of the lenses of her glasses. She took them off and wiped her eyes and her cheeks.

She didn’t know how long she remained there. Seated on the floor, crying and miserable. But at some point, the door opened and Levi walked in. Her eyes widened and she tensed up. She looked at him and immediately wiped her eyes. He had that same indifferent expression on his face that he always had, but something about this time, let her know that he was as much of a mess as she was.

“I- I’m so sorry, I- I’ll be on my way,” Nathalie caught her cane and tried to stand. Radiating pain shot through her belly and she winced loudly.

She was crying. She had come here to cry and mourn for his friends. She was holding the book that she had gifted to Isabel. It made sense. But she was with a cane? She must have had a terrible injury beneath her shirt, and beneath the bandages. Whatever that was, he hated watching her like this. He hated it because he never thought he’d get to see Nathalie be such a mess.

Levi picked her up, and he did it with ease. He passed an arm beneath her knees, another, supporting her back. She barely knew them – yet she was still crying more than he had. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and she buried her face in the crook of his neck.

“I’m so sorry… it was my fault that they… they… I’m so sorry, Levi,” Nathalie wept against him.

Levi carried her towards his bed, placing her down gently and sitting beside her by the edge of the bed. His hand slipped down and found her own, resting on top of her wound but still being as gentle as he could be.

“How bad is it?” Levi asked.

She wiped her cheeks and tried to pull herself together and stop crying. “I… I just need a few months to recover,” 

“You should be in bed,” Levi reasoned.

“Couldn’t let their parents wait any more than they had to,”

Oh. She had visited the relatives of the fallen, to tell them how their children had died in her leadership. He could hardly imagine how hard that could be. Seeing the hate and distaste in the eyes of people and bearing the blame.

“It’s alright. I won’t ever have to go through this again,” Nathalie gave him a bitter smile. “I’m sorry. I’m no longer your Captain. I delivered my resignation today,”

Levi’s eyes widened. He knew he had no right to ask, but he did anyway. “Why? Nat, you’ve got impressive kill counts. You’re a scientist. You joined the Survey Corps so that you could capture a titan and test it up close,”

“That’s not why I joined the Scouts,” Nathalie shook her head.

She shifted her body so that she was lying on the side, facing Levi, but instead, she just buried her face in his pillow, her one hand clutching on her wound. Oh, how pitiful it is the reason she had joined the Scouts for. All that Erwin had to do was ask and she’d give her life for him without question. And she had done just that, and she was regretting it all now, because despite it all, he hadn’t visited her in the hospital not even one bit. Not even for a few minutes. She had been transferred in the hospital of Trost. Erwin would only spend five minutes to get to her.

She knew he was busy. He was a Section Commander of the Survey Corps, the Regiment that the government unofficially chased down and had more than a few times tried to block the Expeditions and sponsorships. She knew that was a tough position, she could hardly be a Captain. But he hadn’t even sent a letter. It almost felt like he didn’t care.

“It’s just… I don’t ever want to lead again,” Her voice cracked and tears gathered in her eyes again.

“Then don’t,” Levi said and she finally pulled her hand away revealing her bright blue shiny eyes filled with tears that weren’t dropping yet. She stared up at him in question. “Erwin called me in his office today. He said once he becomes a Commander, he’ll make me a Captain and give me my own squad to train,” Levi’s hand reached for her hair, pushing a strand of messy brown hair away from her face and behind her ear. “Be my Lieutenant, Nat. I’ll lead you. I won’t ever let anything happen to you,”

His hand reached on her cheek and she wrapped her fingers around it, supporting it there as she stared up at him in surprise. For once, his silver irises stared down at her in something else other than indifference – adoration? She couldn’t tell. But it was the same look he had given her in that dream a few nights ago. That peculiar dream.

“Marry me, Nat. Tomorrow. No dresses, no suits. You, me and our brats,”

Levi… “You’ll be my Captain…” Nathalie said. She was only trying to process the information. It didn’t sound bad. She always thought he was more suited to lead a squad than she was. She had been a Lieutenant before. It was the most peaceful – or as peaceful as can be – position as a Scout. Her hand reached up and cupped his face, and it didn’t take him by surprise as much as it had the first time she had done this. Now he briefly closed his eyes, and revelled in her touch because the movements of her fingers were so gentle. “…and I’ll be your Lieutenant…” She gave him a genuine smile. “…so be it then,”

And her smile was admittedly something he couldn’t take his eyes off. She ran her thumb across his cheek. He had dark circles around his eyes too. Her smile faded.

“You didn’t sleep last night, did you?” Nathalie said. “Nor the night before that…” She sighed.

“You didn’t either,” Levi pointed out and she giggled. A bright blush spread across her cheeks. “I’ll take you to your room. We’ll talk to Erwin tomorrow,”

Nathalie nodded. Levi picked her up and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders again. “You… you don’t have to, I’ll be able to get there with my cane-”

Levi picked her cane with one hand whilst carrying her out of the room. “You shouldn’t be walking in the first place,” He stopped in front of the door as he looked down at her bright blue eyes that stared up at him tiredly behind the lenses of her glasses. It was afternoon. She might as well sleep early today. “Unless you don’t want people to see us and get the wrong idea,” Levi stopped halfway the door.

Nathalie shook her head. “It’s alright. Everybody’s at the Mess Hall for dinner now,” Except one. She would usually go to the Mess Hall and gather a tray of food and take it to Erwin. And for what? Nathalie buried her face in Levi’s neck and she shut her eyes. “Let them think whatever they want. I don’t care,”

Levi’s lips curled into a small smirk. Her body was pressed against his own, and she was so needily nuzzling into and clutching onto him. And she didn’t care one bit about what people were going to think. If she didn’t care, then he didn’t care either. If Erwin saw them, his day was going to get so much better.

And as if his wish had been granted, when Levi walked out of the room, with Nathalie in his arms, it wasn’t too far away that Erwin was walking in the same corridor. And when he saw Levi, carrying Nathalie towards the direction of her room, Erwin stood frozen in the other side of the hall and he just stared at them. At how she had buried her face on another man’s neck. How tightly she had wrapped her arms around his shoulders, hanging from him like a touch-starved infant. And the pencil between Erwin’s fingers was snapped in two. That tight his fingers clenched into fists.

That was wrong.

That was so wrong. Nathalie should be in his arms right now. He should be the one to carry her to her room. He should be the one she’d clutch onto right now. And yet, things – for once, they hadn’t turned out like Erwin had predicted. Erwin thought she loved him. Or at least, she had feelings for him. And yet, she had just showed up in his office to deliver her resignation. He knew she had been through pain. He knew she was at her worst right now. It was not too much time later that Hange told him that Nathalie had visited the relatives of the fallen today, to explain why she had failed to bring their children back. He knew that part of the job was wrecking them as much as facing titans and watching friends die.

But he could not understand why she had -essentially- rejected him – her position in the Scouts, and she had fallen into the arms of another man. Why would she do that? Had he done something wrong? He was only doing his job. He knew she was alive – Hange had told him from her first visit to Nathalie in the hospital, he didn’t have the time to send a letter and visit her, and hold her in the nights. He didn’t have the time for any of this. This was no reason for her to resent him.

Maybe he was just being paranoid. Maybe she wasn’t resenting him at all. Maybe he was just overthinking things. Maybe she was just very broken about what had happened in this Expedition, losing all her squad members except for one, and losing all hope whether she belonged into the Scouts. Maybe that was just it. There was nothing else wrong – then why was she allowing Levi to be so close to her? Did she feel something for him? Erwin thought her heart belonged to him. But maybe it didn’t. And maybe, he had to live with that.

And then he looked at the broken pencil between his fingers and he realised, he couldn’t live with that. Nathalie was his. He was going to make sure of that. One way or another, he was going to let the entire world know that Nathalie was his own, and no one else’s.

Erwin walked back into his office. He found the papers of her resignation. He hadn’t touched them ever since she had brought them to him. He took them in his hands now and recognised her handwriting, her signature, her name written onto the paper. Her request to resign. The blank space she had left for him to leave down his own signature. He folded the papers and then tore them apart in two. He wasn’t going to sign those papers, and she wasn’t going to be leaving the Scouts, and he was going to make her want to stay.

༻◊۞◊༺

Levi placed Nathalie down on her bed after closing her door. It was dark. He lit up an oil lamp and let it by her nightstand. It was clean and tidy even though she hadn’t been in it in seven days. Nathalie shifted herself to sit by the edge of her bed. She let out a soft whimper. Her fingers, clutching on her wound on top of her white shirt. She pointed at a certain direction in the room and he knew what she wanted.

Levi took her white nightgown that was hanging by her coat stand and he brought it to her, and she didn’t even have to say anything. She was too injured to be moving too much and he’d be damned if he let her. But when she started unbuttoning her shirt he turned his back on her. He would never invade her personal space.

“I should get going-” Levi tried to say but she let out a wince and he realised he couldn’t leave just yet. His curiosity got the better of him and he turned and looked at her. She was struggling to pull off her shirt. “Allow me,” He offered. He knelt in front of her and pulled on her sleeves. She chuckled.

“No worries, Levi. There’s not really something worth looking at beneath those clothes,” Nathalie said bitterly.

She was full of scars and bruises and flawed flesh. She was wearing a white bra and the bandage around her belly was covering every bit of skin that would have otherwise been exposed, and he would have panicked because he hadn’t been so close to a woman before. But she still looked perfect. Just perfect. Porcelain white, marked skin. Bright blue eyes, soft pink lips, messy, pale-brown hair. She was breathtaking and she had no idea.

“I’m going to have to disagree,”

Her cheeks grew a bright red and she pulled the nightgown over her body a little bit faster than she could. She let out a large wince when she pulled her skirt down her feet, replaced by her gown that reached her thighs. She folded the clothes neatly and put them in the drawer of her nightstand – temporarily to stay there until she could walk properly.

He was still kneeling in front of her. Her thighs were only inches away from him. Soft and white and the straps of ODM, imprinted on her skin. So beautiful. Everything about her was just perfect. He’d launch right in if the circumstances were different. He’d add his own marks on her skin, his name, on her lips, their bodies, joined. He had to leave. He had to leave because he was hungering for her no matter how sensitive the situation now was.

“You’ve been so nice to me,” Nathalie cupped his face with both her hands and brought him to reality. Her fingers found his hair and it instantly undid him. He closed his eyes and gave everything he had to withhold back a sigh of utter relief. He couldn’t remember the last time somebody had touched him like this – if there ever was that time. “Thank you, Levi,”

“You’ve been nice to them. I’ll be nice to you,” Levi said and he stood back up, escaping her tender touch no matter how much he didn’t want to. “You need to sleep,”

Nathalie lied down and grinned up at him. “So do you,”

She pulled the blankets up her body and she caught his hand on time. He was ready to leave right out of there, but she caught his hand, and she hardly knew why. He just turned and looked at her and at that conflicted expression on her face. She let go of his hand almost immediately. She had taken her glasses off. They rested neatly now on her nightstand. And she could hardly understand why she had stopped him from leaving.

“I- I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t-”

“You want me to stay?” Levi asked. His heart thrummed hard beneath his chest but it was too easy to not act like it and ignore it.

“You don’t have to,” Nathalie buried her face in her pillow to hide her bright red cheeks and she brought the blankets further up her body.

Her bed was a double one, connected to her office – the perks of being a Captain. Levi kicked his shoes off. Admittedly, he wouldn’t be able to sleep in the same room that he had shared with Furlan and Isabel the past few months. It was too empty now. He’d end up talking to himself again. He wouldn’t be able to sleep. Their faces, haunting him. Maybe having someone there was going to make things easier.

So, he lied down beside her, and he slipped beneath her blankets. Her scent reached his nostrils and he didn’t put any effort into holding a sigh back. Her body faced his own and she was snuggling close to him before he knew it. Her arms found his chest. She buried her face in his neck. She shut her eyes and breathed him in. His arms slipped around her almost hesitantly at first. He barely knew what was happening. So close to her. He almost felt numb and unable to move.

“Hold me, Levi,” Nathalie mumbled against his skin.

She barely knew what was happening. She couldn’t understand why she wasn’t panicking right now. She was this close to a man – in fact, a man that she hadn’t known for more than a few months. She was supposed to be having an uncomfortable pit in her stomach, and she was supposed to be pushing him away instead of needing him closer without feeling nervous about it. She was supposed to be nervous right now. But she wasn’t.

She felt like she knew him. His hold around her was so familiar. The weight of his cheek pressing down on her temple was so familiar. Maybe, that’s why she wasn’t nervous, and wasn’t panicking. But why was it familiar? He had never been this close to her. And he had oddly agreed to that. She knew he was a touch-starved, traumatised man. Everybody in the Underground was. He settled her body a little closer but as gentle as he could. The last thing he wanted was to hurt her. 

“There’s something about you…” Nathalie pulled back to look up at him. The oil lamp was barely giving any light, but she could see his face, only just a few inches away from her own. The tip of his nose brushed against her own. She cupped his face. “…I can’t explain it, but there’s something familiar about you,” She ran her fingers across his cheek and her eyes met his own.

Maybe he was important to her. Maybe somewhere far, far away from here, she and Levi were something more than just friends and comrades. Maybe he was her husband, her lover, someone very important. He could be that here too. He was holding her tight. He was warm and gentle. And he genuinely seemed to care about her and respect her. What more could she ask from a man?

He caught her chin between his fingers and gently urged her to come closer. “There’s something familiar about you too,”

Chapter 9: Back In The Scouts

Notes:

Thank you so much for your comments yall 🥰🥰🥰

Enjoy!

Admittedly, Levi hadn’t had a full night’s rest in so long. He couldn’t even remember the last time he had slept soundly. But for the first time in years, he actually slept this time. Beside her. Holding her. They didn’t even move an inch away from each other. And next morning he woke up to the tickling sensation of her hair on his chin. Her soft breaths running down his neck. Her arms around his shoulders. His arms around her. He didn’t know what time it was. He didn’t know how much training he had to do today. He didn’t know what kind of duties he had to attend as a soldier. He didn’t care. Her body was pressed against his own and a small smile formed on his lips and he couldn’t find himself to pull back anytime soon.

It didn’t take too long before she as well began to stir. She pulled her face from his neck and looked up at him with blurry, sleepy eyes that she rubbed gently and she gave him a smile. He was still there, and admittedly, it was surprising to her. She had been expecting him to have left. But he hadn’t.

“G’mornin’,” Nathalie mumbled sleepily as she pressed her cheek back down on his shoulder.

“Good morning,” Levi said and it took everything he had to hide his smile from her. Even in the mess of her sleep, she was breathtaking. Her hair was a dishevelled mess and he brushed away a strand that was starting to slip on her face. Her pink lips, pressed together in a thin line as she so cutely rubbed her eyes with her fist.

She giggled. “Look at that,” She cupped his face with her gentle hand and ran her thumb over his cheek, beneath his eye, where the evident black circles would usually be, giving out how exhausted he had been. How sleepless his nights were. But this time, those circles were gone. “Somebody’s had a good night’s rest at last,”

“And what about you, Lieutenant?” Levi asked as he pressed his forehead against her own and stared in her bright blue eyes in adoration. She smiled and bit her lower lip. She nodded and hummed in agreement.

“I’m thinking… that I too slept well… beside you,” Nathalie buried her face back in his neck, in an attempt to cover her blushing cheeks from his sight.

Her heart was thrumming hard beneath her chest and so was his. He couldn’t understand what was happening, what he was doing. And she couldn’t either. They both knew they were supposed to be feeling uncomfortable. They were supposed to be pushing each other away, and blushing madly, and spilling out worthless excuses as to why they were in their current predicament. But it felt like there was no need for any of that. Levi had never been this close to someone, and she hadn’t either. They were both too scared for any of this. Then why did it not feel scary at all? It all felt so normal. So comfortable. Like they had done this a million times before – cuddling in bed. It was nice and warm and simply beautiful. Nathalie couldn’t bring herself to come up with a reason to feel panicked even though she knew she should.

Lieutenant. It felt nice coming from him. It sounded nice. Captain. “Captain Levi,” She mumbled in his neck whilst she ran her fingers in his hair and Levi just had to close his eyes to revel in it. “I like the sound of it,” She giggled, and she pulled back to look at him. “I need to find Erwin and tell him that I’ll be staying in the Scouts,” Nathalie said. Levi pressed his forehead against her own and brushed his thumb across her cheek.

“We’ll go tell him together,” Levi said and she nodded. She could barely walk. There was no way he was going to let her go somewhere on her own in the state that she was in right now.

Nathalie smiled and nodded at him. He helped her stand up and change into her clothes. It didn’t take too long. Levi changed into his Survey Corps uniform and Nathalie put on that brown, ankle-length skirt and her white shirt. He met her again outside her room. She walked out limply, using her cane to walk down the hall and Levi followed suit beside her. He wrapped an arm around her waist, pressing down on her wound for her and helping her stand straight and walk a little easier.

Nathalie’s cheeks grew a bright red, but she ignored it. Her back pressed against his chest and she turned and gave him a smile. “Thank you,” She said gratefully and Levi only gave her a nod, even though she could tell, he was trying his best not to return a smile.

And when they stood in front of Erwin’s office door, she knocked. “Come in,” Erwin’s voice came from the inside and Levi opened the door and let her in. His arm remained around her, supporting her posture. Erwin knew he was supposed to welcome them in and ask what they were there for, but he just found himself speechless. He had seen Levi carrying her to her room last night. He had hated the sight of her being with another man. But the two of them just showing up in his office unannounced like this was a whole other thing.

Levi’s one arm was around her, holding onto the spot where her wound had been. Her back was against his chest, and it looked like the only reason she was still standing was because he was holding her. She wasn’t leaning onto her cane, she was just using it to keep herself stable on her two feet, and Levi was there, supporting her, doing that one thing that Erwin should have been the one to do. Erwin should have been the one to hold her last night, carry her to her room, tuck her to bed. Tell her he loved her. Kiss her. It should have been him.

But he couldn’t do any of that. Erwin was a busy man. He had spent the entirety of last night on top of his paperwork and his plans. And when he passed out on his desk, he woke up early in the morning only to find no blanket thrown on top of him. No dinner brought to him. Nathalie wasn’t there. She hadn’t been ever since he brought Levi around. And the two were so close to each other right now, it was impossible to ignore how comfortable they had grown to each other’s presence, Levi had just stolen what was his.

“I’d like to withdraw my resignation, sir,” Nathalie said with that painful formality in her voice that she had yesterday. But it quickly faded away when she looked back at Levi and a smile formed in her lips. A smile that Erwin had barely ever seen on her face. Levi was making her smile like that. Erwin never could. “Levi’s changed my mind. But under one condition,” Nathalie turned back at Erwin. “I’ll go back to being a Lieutenant, and I want to be placed as the Lieutenant of Levi’s Squad when you make him a Captain,”

And that was the worst. And she expected Erwin to immediately disagree. And he wanted to do that so much. Erwin was planning to keep her away from Levi as much as he possibly could. She wanted to go back into being a Lieutenant? She was a Captain now. A recently acquired promotion that she had earned with her skill and ingenuity. And she wanted to toss that away too? But why? So that Levi would be her superior? So that she could be under Levi’s command. Because she had felt for Levi things, she never thought she would. Because she was about to let Levi be her everything. And she’d do this wholeheartedly because Levi deserved the world. He had treated her far better than anyone else she’d ever known.

But there was nothing that Erwin could do. Nathalie was his best soldier so far. Nathalie was an esteemed Titan Biologist. She was brilliant. Erwin needed her. And if these were her conditions – if he had to further push her away from him and to another man’s arms – if that meant that it was going to help humanity, then so be it. Erwin had tossed his heart into the gutter a long time ago. It didn’t matter what he felt for her if she wasn’t his.

Although, he was still going to chase her, because Nathalie was precious.

She was going to be his one day. But maybe today wasn’t that day.

“So be it, then,” Erwin said – his voice, cold as ever. He pulled out another set of papers. “I will be updating your rank when Commander Shadis resigns, which is going to happen in about a month from now. I suggest you use this month to recover, Captain Burgess,” Erwin said. She could fake a formality and a cold tone, but she had no idea just how cold Erwin could be. “And you, Levi, use this month to train well. Once she is put under your command, her life will be in your hands,” It sounded more like a warning. A threat. Erwin glared daggers at the man.

It was strange how a few days back, Erwin was the one holding her and Levi was the one to watch. But now it was the other way around. Now Levi felt a sense of satisfaction.

Levi’s arm tightened around Nathalie’s waist, pressing her closer to him as he glared daggers at his rival. “Better in my hands than yours,”

Erwin parted his lips to say something. To tell him that he was being wrong and absurd. That he could protect her better than he could. But then the realisation hit him. He could see it. The way he held her. How he supported her posture. How she wouldn’t be able to stand straight without him. Levi would give his life for her. Levi would abandon the world for her. Erwin would never do that.

Erwin would never put her before his job, his duty to mankind. He was about to become the Survey Corps 12^th Commander. He was never going to prioritise her life over the other soldiers because it wasn’t right. But Levi would. And she was injured right now, and a mess, because her entire squad had been wiped out, and who was to blame? It was Erwin. Because her life had been in his hands ever since she joined the Scouts. And she had almost died because he had done a very fucking poor job in protecting her.

But Levi was going to do better.

And maybe Levi was what she most deserved.

And maybe, that’s why she was holding onto Levi’s arm so tight right now. Levi was there. Erwin never could be.

“Let’s go. You need to lie down,” Levi said, and Nathalie nodded right away.

“Good idea,”

༻◊۞◊༺

She didn’t have anything better to do, and going back to sleep wasn’t really an option. She had had the best rest she had ever had in her life the previous night. She couldn’t tell why for once in her life she decided to sleep without any nightmares. And Levi seemed well rested too, but he had training to go to. Not that he really needed it. It was just typical drills that he’d have absolutely no problem dealing with until Commander Shadis’s retirement was finished with all the bureaucracy. Erwin was just about to get the reins of the Scout Regiment in his hands.

Nathalie did not envy him, but she didn’t stress up too much about it either. Erwin had been chasing this position for as long as she could remember him. Nathalie frowned. Fuck him. It wasn’t really the time right now to start hating on the man that she was going to be working under. She could have left the Scouts. Her resignation had been delivered. But, no, Levi had somehow managed to convince her otherwise. Maybe it was the thought of just working with him. Of being with him and working under him. And just as fast, her smile returned on her lips.

Levi. And once she started thinking about him, she couldn’t stop. They had… cuddled up in bed no matter how impossible it sounded. She had never been this close to a man. She wouldn’t even dare to get this close to someone, anyone. But with him it was all just so different. It felt like she had done this before. Hug him, touch him. It felt like this all had happened again a thousand times already. What was this familiarity? She couldn’t tell. What were those unexplainable dreams that she had of him?

She had no idea. And maybe she didn’t really have to figure that out. Maybe Levi was just… better. Yeah. She smiled to herself.

Nathalie was in the lab. Or what they called a lab for now. They were going to be making some changes when Erwin was going to take the lead. She sighed as she finished scribbling down chemistry equations on her notebook that she doubted anybody would ever understand. It wasn’t that there was a lack of smart people. Lots of people she knew were smart. But she knew things. Things that she could explain but nobody would understand. Nathalie sighed. It looked just about right though. The composition of titan tissue and the chemistry behind it.

“WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST ABOUT DO?!”

That was Hange’s voice and it was definitely the sound of her slamming the door open and shut and the heavy footsteps of an angry scientist barging right in. If Nathalie had to guess, Hange had just found out that she had almost abandoned the Scouts and delivered her resignation to Erwin.

“Word travels fast around here,” Nathalie frowned, only to jump at the bumpy way Hange sat on the same bench that she was on.

“WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! LEAVE THE SCOUTS?! FOR WHAT?!”

“CAUSE ERWIN WAS BEING AN ASS, OKAY?!”

“AND WHAT?! YOU’D LEAVE FOR ERWIN?! WHAT ABOUT OUR RESEARCH?! OH WAIT, maybe Erwin’s the only reason you’re here for,” Hange said sarcastically and she crossed her arms against her chest. She was being sarcastic, she didn’t really mean it, but Nathalie’s silence that followed was enough of an answer. Hange arched an eyebrow. “Wait a minute-”

“It’s definitely not what you think-” Nathalie cringed and she tried to hide her flustered face by turning back at her notebook and grasping her pencil.

“You did it for him, didn’t you?” Hange chuckled. “Well… can’t blame you, he is a catch,”

“He isn’t,” Nathalie frowned.

“Does he know?” Now Hange had that stupid smile on her face. She found all that gossiping so damn amusing. But it wasn’t the first time the two of them were talking about such matters.

Nathalie sighed heavily. “…yes,” She tried to make it sound as quiet as possible but of course Hange heard it.

Hange let out an exclamation of excitement. “SO, YOU’RE TOGETHER?! Is that why you wanted to resign, isn’t it???” She caught Nathalie by her shoulders and shook her excitedly. “TELL ME, TELL ME, TELL ME, give me all the juicy details! How’s he like without the uniform-”

“By the Walls, Hange! I’m NOT dating Erwin,”

“But you are dating someone. Erwin said you were convinced into not abandoning the Scouts, so who that may be,” Hange rubbed her chin and snickered silently.

Nathalie’s brow twitched in annoyance. “Does Erwin tell you EVERYTHING?!”

“Relax,” Hange smirked. “I may not be his childhood friend like you are, but it seems like I got a better relationship with my Commander than you do. Tell me, tell me tell me tell meeee!!”

“Ugh! I’m not dating anyone. Leave me alone!” Nathalie whined.

“C’mon! Who is it, Nat?! SPILL THE BEANS!”

“Oi, Nat, ya got a moment-?” Levi walked in but he cut himself before saying anything more when he realised she wasn’t in the room alone.

Hange’s eyes widened when the realisation hit her. “HOLY SHIT!” And then she started laughing like a maniac and Nathalie cringed whilst Levi stared at them both confusedly. The hell’s going on.

“Can you… please stop?” Nathalie hid her cheeks burying her face in the palms of her hands. This was so embarrassing, and she didn’t know why. She had never been in a relationship before, and she had never been the one to admit that she was with someone.

“Stop?! This is your first man!”

“He’s not my man! We’re just… we’re… uh…”

“I do not see you putting any effort in denying it,”

“UGH, STOP LAUGHING!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m just imagining Erwin’s face when he finds out… BY ME!” Hange jumped on her feet and ran hastily out of the room continuing her loud laughter that echoed all the way down the hall.

Nathalie whined in annoyance and she buried her face in both her hands. She needed to hide somewhere. Couldn’t the earth just open up? She just wanted to jump inside and never come out.

Levi arched an eyebrow. A not-so-amused look on his face as he crossed his arms against his chest and looked at her. “I don’t think I want to know what she’s talking about, do I?”

“I- I- I know it’s not like this, right? You and I… we’re just… we’re not… of course we’re not, who would ever want to be that with me…” Nathalie mumbled to herself as she tried to stand up and leave.

“Oi, whatever the hell you’re talking about?” Levi scoffed. Who would ever want to be that with me? What was it exactly that she thought of herself? What did she think that she was? Unattractive? Terrible? Ugly?

“I- It’s nothing, I really need to go lie down-”

“I would,” Levi cut her. And he couldn’t believe that he had just said that. He didn’t even have the guts to wrap his arms around her and kiss her like he had been wanting to all day. But it slipped out of his mouth without warning, and she looked up at him with wide eyes in surprise. It just pissed him off to know that she thought that she was undeserving of someone to want her.

It took her a moment to speak as she looked in his eyes and tried to find uncertainty, but there was none. He really meant that. No. He didn’t. “No, y- you wouldn’t. I- I don’t deserve it,” She grabbed her cane and tried to walk away, but her words pissed him off even more.

He wrapped his arms around her, keeping her in place, making sure he had her attention. “Oi, listen to me,” His eyes met her own. “If a piece of shit like me deserves your kindness, then a woman like you deserves the world,”

Her eyes widened and her lips parted and she tried to speak. She had no idea what to say to that. She had no idea what to do. He was holding her tight, and he stared down at her in adoration. The same look he had given her this very morning. And the night before that. She knew she shouldn’t have asked him to stay last night. But she did, because this man was familiar. She could not explain it, but he was special. She had to snap out of it. She was staring at him for too long. He was leaning close. She had to speak; she couldn’t kiss him. She didn’t have enough confidence for that. She had never kissed a man.

“Levi, my darling, you’re nowhere near that,” She cupped his cheek, and she gave him a smile. “Thank you, for last night, and today, but-”

“Your heart belongs to him,” Levi said, regretfully and she lost her words. Was it that obvious? “I heard you and Hange talking. Erwin. He’s the reason you joined the Scouts, isn’t he?”

She looked away from him and preferred to look down. It was embarrassing. She just chuckled bitterly. “Ridiculous, isn’t it? Me,” She escaped his hold and sat back down on the bench letting out a small wince. “He asked me to join a few years ago while I was at the university. He asked for my help to… his plans, to save the world,” She let out another chuckle as she looked down at herself. “Look at me now. I would’ve already left if it wasn’t for you,”

So, she had chosen to stay in this Scouts – in this god-forsaken regiment, for him? What did that mean? Levi didn’t want to know. He just knew that she was precious. “I don’t know Erwin as much as you do,” Levi approached her and knelt in front of her to come to her level. “But I don’t think this man can give you what you want,”

She shook her head and gave him a bitter smile. “It doesn’t really matter what I want,”

“It does to me,”

She had no idea how to respond to this. It does to me. She mattered to him. She – who didn’t even matter to herself. She couldn’t help it. She cupped his cheek, and her fingers found his hair burying the soft digits within his undercut and scratching gently as she pulled him into a hug. Levi let out a sigh and he buried his face in the crook of her shoulder. His arms slipped around her again and he closed his eyes, drawing in her familiar scent.

“My darling Levi…” She held him tight. “…thank you,” And she pulled back when the realisation hit her “Oh! You needed me for something?” Nathalie asked. She had almost forgotten.

Oh, right. “You said you were going to… teach me how to write and read,”

“Oh, yes! Let’s get to it,” Nathalie pulled herself up quite faster than her body could handle, which was a terrible idea really. Pain shot through her wound, and she clutched a hand onto her belly. She gritted her teeth and let out a pained whimper.

Levi’s arms were around her before she knew it. Her back against his chest, his breath was warm as it brushed down her neck. A large palm pressed down against her wound, easily covering her own hand beneath his.

“Are you okay? You should be more careful. Your wound has yet to heal,” Levi scoffed. It almost felt like he was scolding her.

“I- I’m alright. Don’t you worry-”

“I’ll carry you,” Levi had picked her up before she knew it. She let out a yelp of surprise. He made sure to take her cane with him. She was aware that the entire HQ was about to see them, and she knew she was supposed to be panicking about it, but she didn’t. Let them see. She didn’t care one bit. “Where to?” Levi watched her as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, and she pressed her cheek against his chest.

She smiled. “My office,”

Chapter 10: In Love for the First Time

Notes:

ok the levi x nat goes on for more chapters than i'd like to admit but

DON'T U WORRY, ERWIN IS THE ENDGAME IN THIS FIC, THANK U FOR PUTTING UP WITH THE INNER LEVI HOE IN ME LMAO

Thanks for your comments! Enjoy!

PS: UNEDITED!

Levi was learning fast. He learned so much in the first day. He was working so hard to improve his letters and correct dictation. But he was so good at this. He’d show up in her office by the time he was done with training, and they’d start their lessons by afternoon, almost every day. They’d have their dinner together, and she always made sure to steal a little more food from the kitchen. It was a perk to be friends with the kitchen staff. And like every other time, Levi was refusing to eat more than half his porridge.

Nathalie sighed as she looked at the clock. It was 9pm, his bowl still half full. Levi was sitting beside her on her desk, writing down a series of sentences, practicing what he had learned so far. It had already been a few weeks. The wound on her belly was getting better and better, and for the last few days, she had stopped using the cane to do such a simple thing as walk. She was getting better.

She had finished her paperwork and she turned at Levi. He looked so focused. A few bangs of dark hair fell on his face as he wrote down. A focused expression on his face. Pale lips pressed together in a thin line. Blue-grey eyes stared down at the paper. He was wearing that one white shirt that usually did in the afternoons. She smiled. She couldn’t get her eyes off of him.

“How’s it going?” Nathalie asked and he hummed in response before dragging his notebook to her side for her to check it. And like every other time, he had solved her small exercises all correctly. “Aww, somebody’s so very smart,”

“So, I did it right?”

She smiled at him. “I’m so proud of you,”

She closed his notebook and handed it back to him. Arms slipped around her before she knew it. He picked her up gently and placed her on his lap effortlessly. She giggled and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. It wasn’t the first time he’d hold her close like this. This is how their afternoons were spent. A small, relaxing lesson on writing and vocabulary and grammar, and then having their dinner together.

She’d bring them both their bowls of the daily porridge that the Survey Corps were given. Usually, Nathalie wouldn’t even eat the dinner. She was never fond of food in general and her stomach never seemed to be hungry no matter how starved her body was and looked like. But Levi seemed to be the same. No, Levi was far more starved than she was, and she had to change that. So, every day she made him finish his bowl of porridge and in return, she finished her own with him. She just had to get him and herself a little healthier than they were. This couldn’t go on like this.

And maybe their current stance was him showing his gratitude. Contact. He wanted his arms around her at all times whenever he could. He wanted to hold her hand, he wanted to feel the weight of her head on his shoulder. He wanted to see her smile. He wanted her face at close proximity. He wanted her close. And she didn’t show any signs to not want this, so he proceeded to hold her like this in the late evenings. It was a need that he could not suppress, and she had taught him that there was nothing that he could do that she’d judge him for it. And he believed her.

Nathalie did the unthinkable this time. What had she just done? Levi felt like burying his face somewhere to hide from her. She had just pecked his cheek. And he wanted this again. He wanted to kiss her. He wanted everything with her. But he didn’t have the confidence for any of that. He barely ever had the confidence to pull her against him like this, let alone anything more.

Nathalie took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes tiredly with her fist. Her hair was messy and her bright blue eyes so big as they met his own. She was wearing a plain white, buttoned up shirt, tucked into a black, ankle-length skirt. That was all that he’d ever find her in. So plain, but so beautiful on her. He wouldn’t have it any other way. He cupped her face. A rough thumb brushed across her cheek. Eyes met, and her pink, plush lips parted.

He wanted to kiss her. God, he wanted it so much. But he didn’t even know how to do it. He was definitely going to do something wrong and ruin it. Instead, he just urged her to lean close to him and bury her face in his neck. She nuzzled right there in his warm skin and sighed, closing her eyes, wrapping her arms around his neck. Her legs, hanging from one side whilst he supported her back with his one arm.

“You’re beautiful, Nat,” He wasn’t quite sure whether he had said that out loud or thought of it. But she blushed brightly, and maybe that was all the sign he needed.

Beautiful? Me? Nathalie nuzzled deeper in his neck to hide her face. She shook her head. She never considered herself beautiful. It was never something that she chased after. Calling her smart was a far more welcome compliment than the compliment of being called beautiful. She didn’t care, she never did. Or at least she kept trying to convince herself of that. “I- I’m not beautiful,”

Levi arched an eyebrow. Why was she so shyly trying to hide? She did not believe it, did she? She had such low confidence and self-esteem. Well, he was the same. “Yes, you are,” He whispered in her ear and her arms around him merely tightened.

“Well, then,” She pulled back to look at him. “If I’m beautiful, then so are you,” His eyes widened and he parted his lips to say something, but she reached out for that bowl of porridge that he hadn’t yet finished and she brought it to him. She gathered some on his spoon. “You still got to finish that, though,” She brought the spoon to his lips. Levi let out a sigh and that small smile that was on his lips, completely disappeared. She frowned.

“I know, I know, it’s terrible,” She placed the spoon back in the bowl. “The Scouts’ sponsorships are always low so that’s all that we can afford,”

“It’s not that, Nat,” Levi said. Yes, he wasn’t like Erwin. He wasn’t tall. He wasn’t blonde, and blue-eyed, and buff, and sociable and capable of making her feel safe with a smile on his face and encouraging words. He wasn’t any of that. But he could protect her from anything that’d come for her.

He could still pick her up with ease, because despite his lack of physical health, he was strong. But he could not speak. He could not kiss her. He could not love her in the nights the way a woman would want him to, but he could love her. He could give everything for her. He would abandon everything for her if she asked him to. He could prioritise her over everything. Something that Erwin would never do.

“I know I’m skinny and don’t look so-”

“Don’t you dare say what I think you’re about to say,” Nathalie frowned, and she let the bowl back on the desk. She cupped his cheeks and urged him to look down at her. “I don’t care how you look. I just want you to get a little healthier,”

Of course, he should’ve known that she was different. She really was. He had known from the start. He pressed his forehead against her own, and she smiled at him. “You don’t eat much either,” Levi pointed out as he took a look at her own bowl that rested not further away from his.

She chuckled. “You got me,” She took her bowl and gathered some in her spoon. “Should probably try finishing this too, then,”

It didn’t take too long before he was eating his own too. She smiled as she watched him. And after they were done with their dinner, they decided it was time to go to bed.

“Stay with me?” Nathalie mumbled sleepily against his chest as he stood up with this incredible woman in his arms and he took her to her bed.

They had almost started sharing those quarters. Levi had already brought his few stuff and clothes there. Sleeping beside her was more peaceful. He stopped having sleepless nights. And in his nightmares, she’d wake him up and help him escape from them. She’d hold him when he needed her to, and he’d do the same for her. It was sweet, and mutual to coexist with each other comfortably.

He pressed a kiss on her forehead. “Always,”

༻◊۞◊༺

“Well, since you have been demoted to a Lieutenant, you will be moved back to the dorms…” Erwin signed down the papers.

He knew just how better a Captain’s Office was. Just how much more comfortable and practical it was to have a bathroom of her own, her own double bed, all attached to an office, their job. If he moved her back to the dorms – as suited for a Lieutenant, then she might as well change her mind about abandoning the position of a Captain just because Levi had asked her to. Or she could just very simply go live with her parents. Erwin almost frowned as he reminded himself that her family home wasn’t too far from the Survey Corps Headquarters.

Just because Levi had asked her to. All he had to do was ask it of her and she changed her mind right away. One moment she wanted to leave, the next, Levi told her not to, and she didn’t want to leave. It was that simple. Whilst Erwin had presented her with logical facts as to why she shouldn’t resign, and she just spat out a cold goodbye and left his office.

Yes. That was so many months ago. She was no longer using her cane. Her wounds, all healed up. And him, now a Commander of the Survey Corps and able to make all the changes that he wanted. Finally, authorised to make Levi officially a Captain, and Nathalie just a mere Lieutenant. A position that was so low for her. So, fucking low, Erwin hated it. It didn’t suit her. It didn’t suit her at all. Nathalie should be a Section Commander by now. His right hand. His one trusted friend. His childhood friend. The woman who loved him.

Alas, this was just an assumption that he had made too fast. This was just something that he wanted to believe. It wasn’t something that was actually true. And yes, it had been months. But all Erwin did was ponder on this – her, no matter how much he kept telling himself that he shouldn’t. She’d barely come into his office. And when they’d meet halfway the hallways or the Mess Hall – that he had so unwantedly started to visit lately, just to see her – she’d only greet him with a fake little smile and a nod and that was it. She’d chase after Levi like a little puppy and it frustrated Erwin so fucking much.

She should have been his. She should have been… she should’ve.

But Erwin buried it deep down. He was so good at that.

“Which leaves an empty quarter for Levi to settle in as the new Captain of the Special Operations Squad-”

“Nat stays with me,” Levi cut him.

Erwin bit his tongue just a little harsher than he was intending to. Dammit. He knew this was coming. Apparently, Levi and Nathalie had already made those quarters their own the past few months. It wasn’t too hard to figure out. Having dinner together always on the same table, sitting side by side, and Nathalie always pressing him to finish his food every single day. And then, leaving together at the same time.

He had her. Levi had already had Nathalie in ways that Erwin never could, didn’t he? It was a fucking torture. The woman he… no, he didn’t. He couldn’t say, at least. Did he… no.

“Fine. Have it your way,”

There wasn’t really something else that Erwin could say right now. All he could do was accept whatever terms Levi put. Levi was going to be working for him, risking his life and complete all the missions and orders that Erwin was going to be giving him. The least that Erwin could do was give him what he wanted. But why did it have to be her? And why did she so much want it? Erwin knew the answers to these all, but he didn’t stop asking.

“Now if you’ll excuse us,” Nathalie caught Levi’s hand and dragged him out of the room with her. She giggled once the two of them walked out and then she started running down the hall dragging him with her.

“W- Wait, Nat!”

“C’mon! You’re about to become a Captain! You can’t be dressed in anything less than a suit. Let’s get you some!”

Levi cringed mentally but he followed her. Nathalie knew exactly where to take him. She knew exactly what to ask of the shop owners and tailors. Heck, she knew his size better than he did apparently. She had noticed he liked ascots. He had used one in the Expedition, tying it expertly around his neck. And it suited him so well. This man knew exactly what he wanted; he just didn’t know how to phrase it. But she did.

And he looked so unbelievably handsome in a suit. A black suit jacket that the tailor was measuring to Levi’s lengths. A white-buttoned shirt beneath and a white, silky ascot that she had tied around his neck. Goodness, he was perfect. Nathalie couldn’t get her eyes off him. She approached him once she told the tailor that they were going to buy the outfit. The old man set off to calculate the price leaving the two alone for a moment and she didn’t waste it.

Nathalie approached her new Captain and she smiled at him. Her hands found his chest, his ascot, settling it neatly in place. His arms slipped around her waist and brought her just a little closer. She ran the back of her fingers across his cheek and like every other time that she touched him, Levi closed his eyes and revelled in it. He leaned on her hand as she cupped his face and she smiled at him. She leaned close and whispered in his ear.

“You’re so very handsome, my darling Levi,”

His arms were so tight around her, but she didn’t care one bit. She pressed another gentle kiss on his cheek before he buried his face in her shoulder, and she in his own and held onto him tight. Her fingers found his hair. Her touch, always so tender. All he ever wanted; she was.

She pulled right away when the tailor returned. A small, invisible smile on his lips as he watched her cutely wrapping her arms behind her back. The tailor, talking in the background and no one could hear him.

Chapter 11: Levi, My Levi

Notes:

Happy New Year, everyone!

The next Expedition took part in October. It was further exploring the outer parts beyond Wall Maria. Levi hadn’t yet picked a squad, so for now, he was also a part of Erwin’s squad, with Hange, Moblit, Mike, Gelgar, Nanaba and Nathalie. All six of them under Erwin’s leadership, making the head squad of the Survey Corps. The more the Expedition approached, the more worried Levi grew. He knew Nathalie had been in the Survey Corps far longer than he had. He knew she had the highest kill count. He knew she was talented because he had watched her fight. But the last time he had been outside the walls, he lost two of his closest friends. What if she was next?

He knew he was bound to be a survivor. He didn’t know why he was so good at killing and surviving and fighting. He just knew it deep down in his gut that he was made for this. Which meant that in his entire life he was going to be watching people die – people close to him – and he was always going to be the one to move on. The one to survive. He was going to spend this life alone, and he knew it. And he’d do anything to prevent her dying, because Nathalie had become so precious to him the past few months. Maybe he had no idea what love was, but he just knew he’d kill for her. He’d do anything for her and all she had to do was ask.

And of course, she had noticed that he had grown more hectic. He wouldn’t show it. No, he wasn’t a man to show what he was feeling and thinking. No one really knew what was going on inside that brilliant mind of his. But she had started learning. She had started to read the signs. His stiff shoulders. The hours and hours that he’d spend either training rookies or doing paperwork. And even in the nights, she’d notice that he didn’t sleep. He still lied down with her even though he couldn’t sleep, but he wanted to hold her. And he’d hold her so tight, he’d almost paint deep purple bruises on her skin. But she’d never complain because she knew there was something wrong. There were things that he was thinking, and she just had to know what those things were.

And she knew just how to get him to talk to her. Levi wasn’t a man to open up. She was probably the only person he could talk to honestly. She was lucky enough to have him give her his trust. Heck, she was just lucky to have him. Nathalie had prepared tea. She had learned just how he liked it. She had also managed to convince their chef to let her use her kitchen and make a cake. Everybody had come searching for the delicious smell and the source of it. First of them all, was Miche. Him and Nanaba were the first to try her recipe.

Nathalie gathered two slices of cake and two cups of tea on a tray. She made Hange promise her not to eat the entire cake in one day – Moblit further reassured that he wouldn’t let her. She walked upstairs, back to their shared office and bedroom. She knew she’d find Levi inside. He had started dedicating hours to paperwork, but she’d help him. She never let him deal with all those piles on his own except when she and Hange were researching. The next Expedition was in Monday. Today was Friday. They had an entire weekend to psychologically prepare themselves for it. Everybody knew that each Expedition could be their last.

Oh. So that’s it. Nathalie couldn’t believe she hadn’t realised it sooner. Yet, it made sense that she’d overlook it. She and Hange had been quite busy setting up the labs to their preferences the last few days. And admittedly, when it came to science, Nathalie always tended to forget about everything else.

She walked in, with the tray in her hands and pushed the door back closed with her back. Nathalie found him on his desk as usual, signing papers and writing reports. He had that focused expression on his face. His shirt, quite messy. He had pulled off his ascot, and two buttons left loose. His raven hair, messy from running his hands through them so many times. Nathalie smiled as she approached him and let the tray on an empty surface on his desk. She walked behind his chair and wrapped her arms around him. Her pink lips found his cheek, pressing down a kiss and a small sigh escaped his mouth.

He rested his pen by the pot of ink, and he turned his head at her, watching her as she buried her face in his shoulder. “Made you your favourite tea,” She mumbled against his shirt. A small smile spread on his lips.

He didn’t say anything, his arms slipped around her and urged her to sit on his lap. Both her legs hung from one side whilst he supported her against him with his arms around her. His slender fingers spread across the side of her thigh, on top of the brown fabric of her skirt. His other hand clutched around her white shirt, holding onto her thin waist.

Light grey eyes met her own as she so cutely stared up at him behind the nerdy, circular lenses of her glasses. She smiled at him sweetly and cupped his cheek. And brushed his bangs aside from his forehead to get a clearer look to those captivating eyes. She could stare at him forever.

“My sweet Levi, what’s wrong?” She asked, even though she knew what he was thinking. She was beginning to learn how to read his mind, and she honestly thought it was going to take her more time. But as so many times before, she genuinely believed she knew this man even before they had even met. As crazy as it sounds, she had a theory, that she wasn’t going to share with anybody just yet.

Of course, Levi wouldn’t want to answer her question. He just shook his head, and pulled his eyes away from her, almost afraid that she was going to figure him out if he allowed her to look at him for just a little longer. He just brought her closer to him as she buried her face in the crook of his neck. Her cheek pressed down on his chest as his warm arm let go of her thigh and grabbed his pen again and resumed his paperwork. Nathalie sighed. He didn’t want to talk to her, so it seemed. But that was alright. He didn’t have to.

“You don’t have to worry about Monday,” She told him and he felt instant defeat, because she had figured him out so easily – because she was brilliant, and there was no hiding anything from her. “We’ll be alright-”

“You can’t know that,”

“I’ve been in many Expeditions already, and you’re a very talented soldier. Nothing will happen to either of us,”

“What if it does?” Levi let down his pen and turned his attention to her.

She lifted her head back up, and his rough thumb brushed across her cheek. He had never had anyone that close to him. And every other person he had dared to let them in, they always left. They died or left. What if she died in the next Expedition? What if he wasn’t there to save her? What if he spent this life alone?

“I know you have the highest kill count in the entire Regiment. I know being a Lieutenant isn’t even close to what you deserve to be,” Levi said, and her heart thrummed hard beneath her chest as his eyes met her own again. Maybe that was an issue too. Maybe it was his fault that she was still in the Scouts. Maybe it was his fault that she was demoted.

She cupped his cheeks, making sure she had his attention. “Being your Lieutenant is the highest I ever want to be,” She smiled at him as his eyes widened momentarily at her statement. “I don’t know what this is. What we have,” She said genuinely “but you’re precious to me, my darling Levi,”

“And that is exactly why I can’t lose you,” His arms tightened around her suffocatingly.

“You won’t lose me,” He was beginning to dig his fingers in her skin around her waist again. It was almost an uncomfortable, bruising sting. But he didn’t have to know. She took his arm away from her waist and laced their fingers together instead, resting both their arms in her lap. “I won’t leave your side. Not even for a second. Not even if ordered to. I promise,”

Maybe that should be enough to convince him. Because, if she was beside him at all times, he could protect her. He knew he could. Furlan and Isabel only died because he wasn’t there. He wasn’t going to make the same mistake this time. Not with her. Levi nodded at her before he buried his face in her neck, seeking her warmth, her scent. She wrapped her arms around her and buried her fingers in his hair.

She scratched gently beneath his undercut, and he let out a soft groan against her skin. His warm breaths brushed down her cleavage. She buried her face in his hair, and a warm hand snuck beneath his shirt, finding the broad muscles of his back and the scarred, imperfect skin. She was his source of all comfort. Of all that was still good to him in this world. He couldn’t lose that. He had given her his heart. If she died, his heart would die with her. But he could protect her. He’d do anything in his power to ensure that she’d come back.

And he was going to do just that. She smiled and pressed a kiss on his forehead. “C’mon! Let’s have some cake,”

She escaped his grasp and her body stretched from his lap as she reached out and dragged the tray a little closer to them. She pulled one of the dishes and brought it to him. There was a white, fluffy slice of a bread-like food. Levi looked down at it for a short moment. It was all she needed to understand that he had probably never seen or even had no idea of what cake is. This wasn’t the first time she was introducing something to him.

“Oh! Cake is… uh…” She never thought she’d explain someone what cake is, but she didn’t mind it one bit. She knew he had been through a lot. She knew that people down there didn’t have half of the things that people above do. And it hurt knowing that Levi didn’t grow up like every child should. But that was alright. She was here to make up for all of the things he missed. “…it’s like bread, but it’s sweet, and… a perfect accompaniment for our tea,”

“Where did you find that?” Levi asked curiously. It was probably something untouchable. He had only heard that word being mentioned between nobles – that back then, he’d do business with when they’d ask him to kill someone and pay him handsomely for it.

She grinned. “What do you mean, darling? I made it! It’s a new recipe I came up with today. Miche already thinks it’s delicious, so…” She brought the slice up to his lips. “Have a bite and let me know if you like it,”

A new recipe that she had come up with. Was there anything that she couldn’t do? He had caught her knitting a scarf the other day with two large needles and a large ball of yarn. Not to mention how thorough she was at cleaning their quarters – a chore they’d do together at least once a week. Or how good she made their tea. And now, he knew that she could cook. He didn’t even think about trying that cake because he already knew it was so good. He wanted to kiss her. Because she was perfect and she had chosen him – a far imperfect man.

But he snapped out of it, and he pressed a kiss on her forehead first before he took a bite from the cake. She giggled and placed the slice back down on the dish. And it was delicious indeed. Sweet, and tasted of orange. And he could smell the orange on her fingers. She had definitely just made this cake.

“It’s… very nice, Nat,” He said with a small smile on his lips and she pressed a sweet kiss on his cheek.

“There, this is yours,” She handed him the dish and she caught her own bringing it close to her. “And this is mine,”

༻◊۞◊༺

And in the earliest hours of Monday’s morning, she could tell they both weren’t sleeping. Nathalie never had a good sleep before an Expedition. She never really had a peaceful rest before the day that she was possibly going to die. It was either she or Levi, or Hange, or Moblit, or Erwin. Erwin. She hadn’t seen him in days. And maybe it was better that way. Nathalie urged herself to think about something else. Anything else. She buried her face in Levi’s neck and drew in his scent. It was late in the night, or early in the morning at this point. Both beneath their bedsheets, holding onto each other tightly. Levi had always known that this job was going to be so hard if he had someone to care about. But maybe things would be a lot harder if he was alone. Or maybe things would get worse if he lost her.

His arms tightened around her. Her palms resting flat on his chest. One arm slipped up and found his cheek, then his hair, burying her fingers right there and he sighed against her forehead. It was true. She had no idea what they were to each other. They were definitely past being friends, but they hadn’t kissed. It was all stolen glances and kisses on his cheek. Kisses on her forehead. Hugs and cuddles. Spending the majority of their time together, sharing a room and office together. Doing everything together. Still, it was unclear. And maybe it would be best if it stayed this way.

They offered comfort to each other. So offered him the amount of affection that he had never had in his life. She was making up for it all. He still remembered the first time she brought him pilled fruits for him to eat and he had stared at them because he had never seen anything quite like it. She simply giggled and explained and he tried them all for the first time and for every afternoon after that day. She took such good care of him, making sure he’d eat properly.

“Levi-” Nathalie talked and pulled back to look at him. She knew he wasn’t sleeping. Neither of them was. But he caught her face and brought her up to him before his lips met her own. Her eyes widened momentarily. It was the last thing she expected from him. To grab her and kiss her. It had been months of them both avoiding it. All those months, sharing those quarters, doing everything together. I don’t know what is it that we have. And it was true. Nathalie had no idea, and neither did Levi. But maybe there was no reason to find out. He knew she wasn’t his. He just couldn’t pretend he didn’t want this anymore.

And thus, Levi stole her first kiss, and she, his own. His lips were warm. His tongue tasted of the honey that he’d mix in his tea. But it was all familiar. His scent, his grip around her whilst he kissed her, the way he kissed her, his taste. Nathalie melted right in. She had no reason not to. Her heart ached for this man. She had been wanting to kiss him for so long. She didn’t know how to do it. She had never kissed anyone before. She closed her eyes and let him lead her, even though, she was his first ever kiss as well. And she tasted even better than he had imagined.

Levi pulled back to allow them both to breathe. His eyes met her own. A hazy look in her eyes that looked so familiar as if she had looked at him like this, many times before. He cupped her cheek, and his forehead met her own.

“I know you’re not mine, but I want to pretend even for just a little while that you are,” Levi confessed, and she snapped out of her haze and looked at him.

No. Things didn’t have to be like this. He could have her. But what about Erwin? What about all the years she spent following Erwin like a pet? He can’t give you what you want. But Levi could. Nathalie didn’t know what she wanted. She wasn’t going to drag Levi into her stupid wants and undecisive decisions.

Nathalie cupped his face. “Levi, you deserve the world. I don’t want to hurt you,” She looked down shyly. “And I don’t want to get hurt myself. This is why you’re… you’re my first ever, I stayed away from relationships for as long as I could,”

Levi trapped her chin between his fingers, and he urged her to look back up at him. “I did the same,” Levi said and her eyes widened.

There was no way she was his first. There was no way that was his first ever kiss. And there was no way she was the first ever woman to be attracted to him. He still looked away from her and closed his eyes and pressed his cheek against his pillow. She could hardly believe this. He was a handsome man. Maybe he was just being nice.

“W- Wait, this can’t be true, can it? I can’t be the first ever, you’re such a handsome man, Levi,” She cupped his cheeks, and he opened his eyes again to look at her.

You’re a handsome man. He was anything but that. And then it was she who saw things in him that he never could see for himself. He wrapped his arms around her, and he brought her close to him, and she pressed her forehead against his own whilst she ran her tender fingers across his cheek.

She had no idea what was holding her back. Levi was perfect. He was all she ever wanted. He was respectful, and gentle, and kind, and living with him had made her reality far better than it was before. Sharing a bed with him and an office and a closet and doing everything together. She wouldn’t have it any other way. She wanted more of it. But she couldn’t have it, and she didn’t know why. There was something stopping her from kissing him right now. There was something stopping her from telling him she loved him.

And maybe she knew exactly what that was.

Her whole life, everything that she ever did was for Erwin. Joining the Scouts was something that only insane people did. And maybe she was insane, because she did it, and all Erwin had to do was ask. All she ever wanted was to be close to him. To be noticed by him. All she ever wanted was him to want her the same way she wanted him.

But she was never going to get that, wasn’t she? Erwin’s heart was made of stone. There was no breaching it. And then there was Levi. This incredible man that she had grown so close to. He had kissed her tonight. And she had kissed him back because it felt right. Everything just felt so right when she was beside him. He offered her affection and comfort whilst everyone else thought him to be the most affectionless man. But no, this man was Erwin. Erwin rightfully deserved the title of the most affectionless man. She was mad at him. After all those months, she was mad, because everybody knew that she was close to Levi and there was no way Erwin didn’t know. And even though he knew, he had done nothing. And maybe she shouldn’t be mad at him at all. He didn’t care whether she was being with another man. He was just not interested in her.

And it hurt.

Nathalie buried her face in Levi’s neck and slipped further beneath their blankets. She wrapped her arms around him in return and she breathed in his soapy scent. “Levi…” She pulled back with half-lidded eyes to look at him again. “…I don’t know how… relationships work or… what those feelings mean but… I’d love to find out… with you,”

He felt like the luckiest man alive. So, she was giving him a chance? He had no idea how to do this either. He just knew he wanted her close. He just knew he wanted to kiss her. He wanted to erase the very thought of Erwin out of her mind. He wanted to replace it all with himself. Him alone. He wanted her to be his. Mine.

So, he kissed her, and he kissed her hard this time. And his arms tightened around her. Mine.

Mine.

Notes:

I'm sorry for the lack of Erwin scenes, but can't you see? She doesn't love Levi, and she knows it, and it's driving her insane because Levi does love her. Nat has no idea what to do, but she will choose Erwin in the end, and no matter how hard he hurts her, she'll always choose Erwin in the end.

BECAUSE THIS IS AN ERWIN X OC FIC Y'ALL djfhjfkdffjg

But that doesn't mean that Levi won't fight to make her his 👀

Chapter 12: The 25th Expedition

Notes:

Thank you so much for your comments and your awesome support y'all 🥰🥰🥰🥰

This is a very nice chapter, I hope you like it ❤❤

“I don’t know how I know this, and I don’t have any proof, but it’s all about the spinal fluid,” Nathalie said for the hundredth time and Hange shook her head.

“I just got promoted into a Section Commander. If I start going around based on a hunch and get people killed, then I won’t last long enough as one,” Hange reasoned. Hange sighed. “Give me a few months, and we’ll work on that, okay?”

Nathalie sighed heavily and nodded. She understood. She completely understood. It was the peak of Hange’s career. She had just become a Section Commander with her own squad whilst Nathalie had dodged the chance of being a Captain and had demoted herself. Nathalie hated leading, but Hange was willing to do it and here she was, and she knew how to lead better than Nathalie ever could. But this was important. They were just about to go out on the twenty-fifth expedition. Everything was ready. Some last-minute preparations were giving them a few minutes’ time before riding to Shiganshina.

And Nathalie had those voices in her mind. It was last night when it started. At first, she just thought that they were typical dreams. Just visions that meant nothing. But then it all started making sense. Titans were humans. Humans that turned into titans by having titan spinal fluid running through their veins. Nathalie had absolutely no proof. She just knew that it made sense – those voices inside her mind and the things they said – it all made sense. She just knew that the spinal fluid was a protein. A protein that worked as a transcription factor that could activate the titan genes. It made perfect sense, but how was she supposed to explain this to anyone? Without any proof, without any reference?

“I- I understand,” Nathalie nodded as she discreetly tucked a large glass syringe and an iron bamboo needle in her bag. It was worth probably more than her entire lifesavings. But she was going to use it today, one way or another. She was going to prove her theories and then she would have the evidence to investigate more. She could not talk to anyone about this, no one would understand her. Even Hange and Moblit didn’t know what transcription factors and regulatory genes were. But Nathalie knew. She knew everything but she didn’t know how, she just knew.

“Section Commander! We’re good to go!” Moblit’s voice came as he snapped the door open.

“We’re coming,”

Nathalie sighed heavily as she followed Hange from behind and exited the building to reach for the stables. They mounted their horses and rode into Shiganshina. People had gathered there, either to glare and swear at them or encourage them. But Nathalie didn’t care one bit. She was trying to figure out how to paralyse a titan so that she could get the spinal fluid. If she cut the nape, then that would be a disaster because the titan would start vaporising. But if she cut its limbs and it lied face down on the soil then she could at least have a minute or two to collect her sample. This was important. She had to do this.

“Nat,” Levi’s voice drew her attention. There was nothing else capable of snapping her out of her thoughts but him. He had made sure his horse was standing beside her own. He had made a promise to himself to keep her safe today and for all the Expeditions to come. But she seemed distracted, and he just couldn’t have that. Not now that they were about to enter titan territory.

“What is it, darling?” Nathalie snapped out of her thoughts, and she turned and instantly gave him a kind smile.

“Keep it together,” Levi said almost harshly. “I want your mind on the field. I need you focused once we ride out of this wall,”

Nathalie nodded. He was right. There was no denying that. But her mind was already on the field. “Y- You’re right, I’m sorry,”

And once the gates opened and Erwin announced the start of the twenty-fifth expedition, they rode out. The fresh wind brushed across her face and made a mess of her already messy hair. She had to get a sample. Nathalie looked ahead at the vast forests and valleys and mountains. She had to prove to herself most of all that her theories were correct. Titans used to be humans. If titans don’t have genitalia and no other way of reproduction, then where did they come from? They came from humans. It was the only explanation she could come up with.

It didn’t take too long. “Titans sighted at 11 o’ clock, sir!” A soldier cried out as he urged his horse to approach Erwin at the front.

Nathalie turned and looked at the titans in the distance. They seemed to be walking at a steady pace. No running. No visual abnormalities so far. They were normal. Not much of a big threat. They had detected them though and they were coming their way. They were around nine of them. This was bad.

“I’ll take them all out. Just give the order,” Levi grasped his handles and set off to load his blades.

“Not quite yet, Levi,” Erwin stopped him. “We keep our current course,”

“What if there are more of these bastards ahead?” Levi frowned. Nathalie was riding beside him. She was safe so far.

“It’s then that we’ll attack. It’s best that we keep casualties to a minimum this time,” Erwin said.

Miche approached with his newly acquired squad and his Lieutenant, Nanaba following suit behind. “Erwin! The rear squad has spotted more to the south,”

“How many?” Erwin asked.

“At least ten,” Miche rode beside Erwin and Erwin nodded. They’d have to advance after all. They couldn’t have the titans surrounding them. That would end up in a massacre.

“We attack! Draw your blades!” Erwin turned at Hange. “Hange, take your squad and Levi. You’ll deal with the titans we just saw. Miche and I will deal with the titans up ahead. Nathalie, with me,”

Levi’s eyes widened. No. There was no way he was letting Nathalie out of his sight. “Nat comes with me,” He insisted.

“That is an order, Levi,” Erwin said harshly, and Nathalie could tell Levi was so very close to murdering Erwin instead of those titans.

“Go. I’ll be alright,” Nathalie gave Levi a reassuring smile, but he wasn’t having it. Levi parted his lips to speak but Hange spoke first.

“Levi, c’mon!”

Nathalie nodded at Levi. “It’s alright. I’ll see you once we kill those bastards, okay?”

No. What if he didn’t get the chance to see her after? What if she died and all he’d come to find would be her corpse? He couldn’t have this. The very idea drove him insane. Erwin had done this on purpose. Just to tear Nathalie off of him and have her to himself. The bastard was jeopardising her safety. There was no place safer for her than the one beside him. But he could not keep this argument right now. They did not have the time. He’d sure as hell punch Erwin when he’d the chance.

“Fuck,” Levi did not hold back the curse that reached his lips as he urged his horse to follow Hange’s squad to the right side, passing by both Erwin and Miche. “Anything happens to her, and I’ll kill you both myself,” He growled at them both before he rode away.

Miche grinned as he stole a glance at Levi as he rode away. “Wow, didn’t know you guys were that far into that relationship thing you got,”

Nathalie’s cheeks were a bright red and she wanted to hide somewhere. She just glad she couldn’t see Erwin’s face whose horse was just a few inches ahead of her own, but beside her and able to hear everything, nonetheless.

“U- Uh, er- yes, w- we’re quite, uh… into it,” Nathalie stuttered awkwardly and a small smirk spread across Miche’s lips as he peeked at Erwin’s dead look of annoyance. He knew Erwin hated it. He knew Erwin had always wanted Nathalie, ever since the day Erwin first introduced her to him. But the bastard wouldn’t admit it to himself. Maybe the six years that I put in that bet weren’t enough.

“Well, it was inevitable. You two have practically been sharing the same quarters for like a year now, isn’t that right, Nanaba?” Miche turned at his Lieutenant.

Nanaba quickly picked up on what her Section Commander was up to. “Darn right, sir,” She grinned. “The entire HQ’s been fussing about it,”

“Can we focus?!” Erwin burst out finally, and Nathalie was practically hiding her red face behind the palm of her hand whilst the other clutched on the reins of her horse. She was grateful of Erwin stopping them, even though, he sounded more irritated than she had ever heard him be.

Miche and Nanaba merely snickered for a moment before Miche urged his squad to mildly reduce their speed so that they could check on the rookies far behind. Now it was just Nathalie and Erwin left at the front as they rode ahead at the direction that Miche had pointed them into. Erwin slowed down his horse a little so that he could ride beside her, and he peeked at that look of determination that was restored on her face. She was planning something. He could tell. He knew her. He knew her better than Levi and that was a fact.

“What’s on your mind?” Erwin asked and her eyes widened for a second before she immediately tried to come up with something to say.

“U- Uh, nothing, sir-”

“I know that look, Nathalie, you’re onto something that you should have told me about before we left. What is it?” Erwin said and she let out a sigh of disappointment. He knew her. There was no hiding anything from this man.

“I have a theory about the origin of titans,” Nathalie said.

“Based on what?” Erwin asked and Nathalie sighed and shook her head.

What was she supposed to say? That she was having those voices in her head, handing her fragments of information that she had put up together like a puzzle? He’d think that she was going insane, and she wouldn’t blame him.

“A… a hunch,”

Erwin nodded. A small smile spread on his lips. “That’s why you didn’t tell me.” He looked at her. “Did you tell Hange?”

“No. I just told her that I need her to help do something, but she refused because… i- it’s risky,” Nathalie answered.

Erwin’s instincts told him to trust her on this one. Erwin always trusted her. She was brilliant. She must have figured something out. She must have had a huge explanation that made perfect sense, but he couldn’t have it now. They didn’t have time.

“I’ll help you,” Erwin said and her eyes widened and she looked at him surprised. Was he really willing to help? He didn’t even know what she had in mind. All she had to tell him was that she was having a hunch and that was it. And he was still willing to do something risky – whatever that was. “What do you need?”

Bright blue eyes met her own as he swiftly loaded his blades and she had to snap out of it and do the same because they were approaching the titans they were supposed to be wiping out. Erwin was willing to help her, even though they had barely talked the past few months. Even though she was refusing to see him in his office – even when he asked for her, and she had been cold and distant to him. Maybe it was time to set aside her pettiness and the reasons she had been distant to him in the first place. His world did not revolve around her, and she did not expect it to. He had responsibilities, and she didn’t have to be one of them.

“Right,” Nathalie loaded her blades. “I suggest we dismember a small one and have it falling face down on the ground, but don’t go for the nape,” She said as she looked ahead while they fast approached a five metre one. “I need to collect titan spinal fluid and take it for testing,” She looked at Erwin. “If someone swallows titan spinal fluid they are going to turn into a titan,”

Erwin’s eyes widened. How the hell had she figured that out? Based on what? A book? Some secret intel that he hadn’t yet gotten his hands on? Some history book? Erwin had no idea. They had no time to find out now. Now, he was going to help get that spinal fluid. He was doing to find a prisoner – a criminal that is sentenced to death and hand him over to her to be her test subject. She would inject that man with the spinal fluid and prove her theory.

“Alright,” Erwin turned at the titan. “I go for the legs. You go for the arms. Once it’s down, you get the spinal fluid, and I got you covered,”

Oh God, this was one of those times that she wanted to kiss him. “Be careful… please,” It almost sounded like a plea. She knew he could be dangerously reckless.

Erwin gave her a soft smile. “Don’t worry about me,” He didn’t mind risking his life for her. No, he didn’t mind it one bit.

Dammit. He was only reminding her why her heart belonged to him from the very beginning. This was wrong. She was with Levi. She couldn’t hurt Levi. Levi was precious.

But this was no time to think about this. “Now!” Erwin gave the order and the two of them jumped off their horses.

 Erwin hooked himself by the waist of the titan and Nathalie hooked herself on its shoulders. They did exactly as he had said. Erwin chopped the legs off with fast moves and she chopped the arms off. They did it in perfect sync. It wasn’t the first time the two of them were fighting together. The titan fell face down on the soil beneath and Nathalie almost let out a cry of excitement as she immediately climbed on the nape and took out the large needle and the syringe. She stabbed it directly on the nape and she started drawing the fluid beneath the skin. That fluid could not come in contact with air because it was going to evaporate if it did. But she had made sure it wouldn’t.

Erwin launched over another titan that approached them. He swiftly sliced the nape off and landed back down on the ground. He gave Nathalie a look. She was still busy. He turned at another titan that came at them and hooked himself by its leg, making his way up to the nape, slicing it off and having another titan crashing down. Two more were coming at them in a fast pace. Erwin tried to launch on one of them, but the other caught him and brought him to its mouth. Erwin wasn’t about to let himself get eaten. Its teeth barely grazed his hand before he cut off the fingers and released himself from its grasp. Erwin landed back down on the soil unceremoniously. He only hoped she was done.

“Nathalie!!” Erwin cried out warningly.

“I’m done!” Nathalie tucked the sealed bottle in her bag securely before she slaughtered the titan that was writhing beneath her.

She jumped off of it and approached him, and with no further words and hooked herself on one of the titans and sliced its nape, and she immediately sent herself flying over the other titan, slicing its nape as well. Two napes came down in a single move and a hand came for her, but Erwin sliced it off. He wasn’t going to let any of those beasts lay their hands on her. He had to snap himself out of it. There was no saying how impressive she was at fighting.

The Miche Squad attacked and took out the rest. Nathalie approached Erwin as the two of them waited for their horses to reach them. Erwin turned and looked at her. His arm found her waist.

“Did you get it?” Erwin asked.

“I did,” Nathalie gave him a smile. “Thanks to you,”

“You’ll need a human test subject to test your theory,” Erwin said as whistled for his horse to come. She didn’t know what to say to that. She had thought about it, but it was straight up unethical to use humans as test subjects.

“I- I thought about it, but… that would be… awfully unethical,” Nathalie grasped the reins of her horse that approached, and she made sure the bottles were safe inside her bag.

“There are humans that do not deserve ethics,” Erwin urged his horse to reach Miche who was approaching them with his own. “You and Hange could use a titan test subject,”

He was so certain that her theory worked. Or at least, he looked certain. But what if it didn’t? Nathalie shot aside all insecurities and she followed Erwin with her horse. I guess I’ll have to find out.

“Let’s go. There’s the Ehrmich Castle ruins to the north from here,”

“Nat!” A familiar voice came from behind and she turned around to see Levi. He immediately wrapped his arms around her and brought her close. His hand found her cheek, examining her face for scratches and then looking down at her body for any indication of blood or anything that would let him know that something was wrong. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

She smiled at him. He was so worried. Her arms found his chest. “I’m alright, my darling Levi,” She cupped his cheek. “Are you okay?”

Levi nodded at her reassuringly. “Let’s get on our horses. We’re sitting ducks on the ground,”

She nodded. “Agreed,” He pulled his arms from around her and she mounted her horse, and he his own.

She had no idea that Erwin had been watching them. Miche and Hange were talking to him, but he wasn’t really sure whether he had been listening to them. All he could focus on was her. And that was wrong because he was a Commander, and he could not risk being distracted. Not for something like this. Not for his jealousy of her being with someone else when she should be with him. She should’ve been his. He couldn’t have that. He couldn’t be distracted by her. He was a Commander, a newly acquired position. He couldn’t have anything distracting him from it. But in all their differences and stupid rivalries, Levi deserved her. Erwin did not, regretfully.

They rode towards the castle ruins that were supposed to keep them safe for the night that had just fallen. Everybody had settled their sleeping bags in that big room that was surrounded by old stone walls and lit torches on them bringing them enough light. Everybody had settled down, either talking or having a cracker for dinner or just resting on their sleeping bags.

Nathalie was taking care of the wounded. Thankfully, this time, they didn’t have anything worse than missing limbs, so she estimated most of them would make it home the other day. She was almost exhausted when she was done treating all their wounded and she gathered the medical supplies in the box that they were storing them in and she set off to place them on a cart, to make sure that they’d take them tomorrow morning when they’d leave. But she wasn’t quite done yet. After she set the kit aside, she set off to find Erwin. She knew he was probably talking with his Section Commanders – she should be a Section Commander herself by now. She joined the Scouts the same time Hange did. But Nathalie had refused, because she didn’t want to lead, and partly because of her pettiness that she was ready to put aside right now.

She had to find Erwin and thank him for today. For trusting her. For putting his life in danger for something that all he knew about could mean nothing. And Nathalie had reasons to believe that Levi wouldn’t let her do something risky like this – not without a lot of arguing first. She chuckled. Levi was perfect. She didn’t know whether she loved him, but she cared about him. She cared about him a lot, and she’d do whatever he’d ask of her.

“Nathalie,” A familiar voice came from behind and Nathalie turned and saw Erwin. She approached him almost hastily.

“Erwin! I- I’ve been looking for you,” Her fingers fidgeted with her green Survey Corps cloak. She’d usually do that with her large skirts. She always did it when she was nervous. He had noticed in all the years. “I- I wanted to thank you for trusting me today. I- I promise it is important, I will figure things out, I promise-”

“Even if you don’t,” Erwin cut her. She didn’t owe him anything. “I’m glad I could help,” His arm found her shoulder. “I’m here for you, Nat,” Her eyes met his, staring gratefully up at him behind the circular lenses of her glasses. “Maybe not always, but I am when I can,”

And maybe he was talking about that week that she was in the hospital, and he had failed to visit. He had even failed to send a letter. That week had been hectic. And maybe that hurt her more than he had realised back then, but he did realise a little late. A lot late.

Erwin pulled his arm away from her shoulder and he let out a grunt at the movement. She noticed right away. Maybe he had indeed left her speechless and unable to come up with a coherent sentence, but she did notice that invisible look of pain on his face that only she could recognise. She wrapped his aching arm stopping him from walking past her.

“W- What is it, are you hurt?”

Nathalie pulled his cloak out of the way, revealing a bleeding wound across his arm that had ruined both his shirt and his brown jacket and his shirt. It looked like titan teeth that created a large hole on his clothes and blood freely seeping out. Her eyes widened. She panicked instantly.

“Oh my, you’re hurt! Why didn’t you tell me?!” Nathalie scolded him as she wrapped his other arm and dragged him with her towards the cart where she had left the medical kit.

Erwin let out a sigh. She was about to start scolding him. He wouldn’t blame her. “It’s just a scratch,” He tried to say something in his defence, but he knew it wouldn’t work.

“Yeah, a scratch that won’t stop bleeding!” Nathalie scolded him as she made him sit by the back of the cart and she climbed on top, dragging the box with her. She sat beside him, by his right side and she pulled off his cloak and his jacket.

“Another shirt ruined, so it seems,” Erwin said and he held back a wince as she gently poured alcohol on the wound, cleaning off the blood with a handful of cotton and making sure he wasn’t going to develop any infections.

“I’ll scrub the blood off and sew it back together for you if you whine too much,” Nathalie teased, and he chuckled.

“I’d be greatly thankful, but you don’t have to,” Erwin looked down at her. At that small smile on her pink lips. The focused look in her eyes as she wrapped a tight bandage around his wound.

“It would be the least I’d do for you,” She said and now her smile faded and he couldn’t seem to be able to find her eyes as she focused her attention down on his wound, shyly looking away from him. She would give him the world if he asked her to. But he couldn’t do the same, could he? And that is why, she wasn’t going to be spending the night beside him right now. She’d spend it beside someone else. And he hated it.

He wanted to kiss those mildly parted, pink lips. He wanted to trace her face with his thumb. He wanted to wrap his arms around her. He wanted to settle her small body in his lap. She was always so small compared to him. He always had to look down when talking to her – her face barely facing his chest. She was small and precious, and sweet. But she wasn’t his.

“I believe you’re good to go,” Nathalie gave him a smile as she wiped his blood off her fingers with a rag and she rolled his sleeve down his arm and helped him put his jacket back on.

“Thank you… Nathalie,” Erwin snapped himself out of his thoughts and gave her a kind smile as he watched her gathering the supplies back in the box.

“It was nothing, but next time you get an injury you tell me right away, is that clear?” Nathalie frowned.

He chuckled as he stood back up. “Yes, ma’am,”

“Nat,”

Nathalie turned at Levi as he approached her. She gave him a smile and he pulled her into a hug. She let out a sigh of relief as she buried her face in the crook of his neck and wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

“Levi…” She sighed in his neck as she pulled back and cupped his face and looked down at his clothes, searching for any indication of injuries. “…you’re not hurt anywhere, are you?”

“I’m alright, c’mon,” Levi took her hand in his own and lead her towards the small corner in the room where he had settled their sleeping bags.

Two cups of steaming hot tea were there, on the floor as Levi settled down and she sat beside him. “Aw, you made us tea,” She giggled as she took one cup and wrapped both her arms around it, trying to warm up her fingers. It was a cold night. Winter was approaching and maybe the next Expedition would be as far as four months away. She took a sip, and let out a sigh as the sweet, warm liquid ran down her tongue.

“Are you cold?” Levi asked as he noticed the way she wrapped her fingers around the hot cup. Nathalie just shook her head.

“No, I’m alright,” She allowed her head to roll on his shoulder as he wrapped an arm around her.

“Come here,” He wrapped both arms around her. She was obviously cold, but of course, she’d deny it. She was so selfless, someone had to take care of her. He didn’t mind being that someone.

He pulled her between his legs till her back met his chest and her head rolled back on his shoulder. She let out another sweet giggle and red warmth spread across her cheeks as he wrapped a blanket around her like a cocoon. His back rested against the cold, stone wall, but he didn’t mind one bit. Nathalie twisted to the side so that she was lying on the frame of his body. Her cheek pressed down on top of the white shirt on his chest. A small smile spread on her lips as she lifted her head and looked up at him, and his eyes met her own. She cupped his cheek and ran her tender fingers across his skin. He had to close his eyes and lean on her hand.

“My sweet Levi,” She breathed against his lips before she kissed him. His arms tightened around her and pressed her close to him. He sighed when his tongue met her sweet taste and she hummed when she met his own.

༻◊۞◊༺

“You’re gonna keep staring at them the entire night?”

Erwin almost jumped in his place, but he knew better than to show his friend that he had just startled him. He immediately tried to look away, but he realised Miche was offering him a bottle of beer.

Erwin frowned. “Am I supposed to overlook the fact that you’re sneaking alcohol on a mission?”

Miche rolled his eyes. “C’mon, you know you need it,”

There was no denying that. Actually, the mere effort of him denying that he was regretting everything, was going to be a waste of time and energy. Fuck this. Erwin took the beer from Miche’s hand, and he took a sip. Yeah. He really needed some alcohol no matter how against the rules it was, and he didn’t care one bit about the rules right now. All he could focus on was Levi and Nathalie, holding onto each other as they talked and kissed and laughed. And he hated it because he should have been the one to hold her right now.

Miche stood beside him, both pressing some of their weight onto the stone bench behind them. Everybody had retreated to sleep. But Erwin couldn’t.

“Honestly? You fucked up big time,” Miche said after a while.

Erwin arched an eyebrow. “Is that so?”

“Yes! You had her. You literally had her!” Miche couldn’t help crying out. It has been so many years for goodness’s sake. “And you lost her to Levi? For real?? He is a thousand percent your skill, but not even half your looks, man!”

Erwin rolled his eyes. “Nathalie is not like that, and you know it,”

“I know, I know, Nathalie is a special woman, okay? And she has had the hots for you for years now-”

“No, she hasn’t! Why are we even having this conversation?” Erwin took another sip. “Go to sleep,”

“You’re both two oblivious dumbasses,” Miche insisted. “If I were you, I’d set aside my damn ego and fucking earn her back,” Miche reasoned. “Stop regretting and fucking do something,” Miche took his beer and finally walked away leaving him alone to stand there in his thoughts.

Stop regretting and fucking do something. And maybe Miche was right.

Chapter 13: Bad News

Notes:

Of course the Burgess Disease was going to be a thing here too, you know I'm a massive dramaqueen AND THIS GIVES DELICIOUS POTENTIAL FOR ✨angst✨ which is my specialty

THANK U SO MUCH FOR YOUR COMMENTS PLS KEEP EM COMING THANK U

Enjoy! ❤

PS: UNEDITED!

Finally, December had arrived. The Winter Holidays were only a week away, and the temperature had started to drop dramatically. It was late in the afternoon as Nathalie pulled out of the oven one large tray of butter cookies that she had just made in the kitchen of the Survey Corps HQ. The HQ had been empty lately, as it always was in the Winter Holidays. Only the veterans were into it now, the Miche Squad, the Hange Squad, Levi, Nathalie and Erwin. They were dealing with a few last paperwork piles and this was the last week of work for them before their break. Nathalie was planning to visit her parents, but she wanted to ask Levi to join her. She didn’t know how he’d like the idea of staying in a house for a couple of days with two more people that he didn’t know, but if he didn’t want to, they could just spend that break together in their quarters in the Survey Corps HQ.

There was no saying how excited Hange was when she saw the titan spinal fluid that Nathalie had collected. She hadn’t yet gotten the chance to test her theory, because the transfer of a prisoner to the custody of the Survey Corps was taking quite the excess amount of paperwork, but the liquid was safe in a large bottle, ready to be tested whenever they’d get the chance. From the small sample that she had put beneath her microscope, she could tell that it was a protein. She had always known. She had even considered trying it on herself. But that would possibly turn her into a titan with no hoping of turning her back into a human, so it was a bad idea.

“Something smells heavenly in here,” Miche’s voice came as he made his way into the kitchen and he sat by the large wooden desk that served as an island in the middle. He looked at the large metallic tray of white cookies that steamed warm on top.

Nathalie chuckled. He was always the first one to barge right in and ‘inspect’ the kitchen. “Alright, I want you to put your skill to use to detect the ingredients in them,”

He laughed. “With pleasure,” He leaned close and started sniffing the cookies. “There’s at least half a kilo of butter in here,” He pointed at the tray and Nathalie laughed and nodded.

“Spot on! That’s why I call them butter cookies,”

“Hmm, there’s burnt almond crumbs in those things too,”

“Yes, you got that correct too,” Nathalie nodded as she set off to get some white powdered sugar.

“And there’s definitely two eggs in here as well, and something smells of…” sniff, sniff “…alcohol?”

“Cognac,” Nathalie laughed. “How the hell do you do that? The accuracy!”

Miche laughed. “It’s a gift,” He turned at the cookies watching her as she started settling them on a large dish. “So, are they ready for me to try one or should I wait?”

“Well, I was thinking that while they’re still warm, some powdered sugar frosting would stick well on top, don’t you think?” She asked as she started tapping sugar on top each layer of cookies she added.

“Actually, that’s a very good idea. Don’t think I’ve ever had such cookies before,” Miche rubbed his beard.

“Well, it’s a… new recipe of mine,”

He noticed that she hesitated to say that. Where was really that recipe from? Nathalie had started making food and cakes and dishes that he had never before tasted or even heard of before. But he was sure there was more to it. She was hiding something which was important but it wasn’t dangerous. She had been more distracted lately. He had heard Levi talking to Hange about it. Nathalie would spend so many hours in the labs, filling notebook after notebook of information. Surely, she wasn’t just writing recipes down all the time – in a lab at that.

“Nat,” Miche drew her attention. “If there’s anything you want to talk about… just know that you got lots of people who would gladly sit down and listen,” He said and for a moment a little bit of fear flashed in her eyes, but she blinked it away immediately. Instead, she gave him a smile.

“Of course,” She nodded. “But don’t you worry. I… I know what I’m doing,” She knew she couldn’t hide anything from Miche either. This man was so smart. He could sniff out someone else’s secrets and he didn’t even have to know them too much.

Miche parted his lips to speak but Hange barged in with Moblit and Nanaba. “Ha! I told you she was making something!” Hange turned at Moblit and he rolled his eyes.

“What are these?” Nanaba leaned close to the growing forest of cookies covered in sweet white. “They smell delicious,”

“I called them butter cookies!” Nathalie finished the frosting and she put the remaining sugar back in the shelf where she had found it. “For this winter and every winter to come, I’ll be making butter cookies,”

“Well thank goodness for those surprisingly good cooking skills of yours,” Hange teased as she grabbed a cookie and so did everyone else.

“Surprisingly?!” Nathalie exclaimed and she grinned. “I don’t seem to recall you ever being in here other than the fact that you want to eat the stuff I make,”

“Holy shit, Nat, this is so good,” Nanaba munched on a bite as she settled beside Miche and Hange with Moblit settled beside Nathalie on the bench.

“I’ll have to agree,” Moblit nodded.

Miche stood up. “Alright, Nat, where did you say you got that cognac?”

“Oh yes! Bring some here!” Hange agreed wholeheartedly and Nathalie laughed.

“On the top shelf, but please, guys, let’s not drink all of it, I’ll probably have to make more of those cookies if you keep eating them like that,” Nathalie picked one and took a bite. They were actually good.

Miche returned on the table with the bottle and five glasses to fill. “Okay, I believe we should bring Erwin and Levi here too. Dumbasses work on paperwork at 9 fucking pm,” Miche bumped on Nathalie and she yelped in surprise. “Oh fuck, I’m sorry!” Miche laughed and apologised. Nanaba arched an eyebrow. What was he up to?

Nathalie just gave him a laugh and shook her head. “It’s alright, just go bring those two idiots here, they do need a break,”

༻◊۞◊༺

“I just know there’s something wrong with her,”

“Levi, Nathalie has always been distracted by her research,” Erwin placed aside another paper and grabbed another one from his pile. “I know you’re worried, but this is just who she is,”

“I know her research on titans is important, but listen to me,”

Levi was pacing around. He didn’t know where else to go. He had talked to Hange about it. Hange agreed that it was strange. He needed a second opinion and being in the same room with the man that was chasing Nathalie’s heart as much as he did, was something that he had kept himself from doing for a long time now, but he couldn’t stall it anymore. That one person who knew Nathalie better than anyone, was Erwin. Erwin would know what to do.

“I talk to her, she doesn’t hear me,” Levi said, and he seemed to have caught Erwin’s attention at last. “Not before the third, fourth time I call out to her. And in the nights, I have to fool her I’m sleeping before she stands up and heads straight to the labs. She just goes there and sits down and writes. She just writes. She doesn’t do anything else. She spends all of her nights there,”

Erwin sighed heavily and crossed his arms against his chest, leaving down the pen and pausing the paperwork for a minute. What was possibly so wrong that caused her to be this distracted? He had no idea. There was something going on in her mind, but no matter the years they spent together, sometimes she was unreadable to even himself.

“Thought I’d find you two in here,” Miche walked in closing the door behind. “I share your concerns. Check what I found in the pocket of her skirt,” Miche laid down her handkerchief on the smooth surface of Erwin’s wooden desk. Both men’s eyes widened. It was drenched in dried blood.

“No way…” Levi refused to believe it. What was wrong with her? She was sick? Sick with what? He approached the desk and took it in his hand. He brought it up to his nose and he recognised her familiar scent in it. It was her blood undoubtedly. No. He couldn’t lose her. Whatever it was. They had to figure it out. “Erwin. Has she ever-”

“No. Not that I know of. Nathalie is perfectly healthy, which is one of the reasons she managed to enter the military,” Erwin lost his words. What was wrong with her? Was that why she was spending so much time in the labs? Trying to figure stuff out? Trying to cure herself?

“Where is she?” Levi turned at Miche and he started heading for the door. “I need to talk to her,” Miche stopped him from walking any further.

“Levi, wait, she doesn’t know we know,” Miche stopped him.

“Exactly. She didn’t tell me. She should have told me. She didn’t. I need to find out why,” Levi said as he pushed Miche’s arm away.

“She didn’t tell you, because she didn’t want to worry you,” Erwin stood up and approached. “She didn’t want to worry any of us,”

“This is no excuse. For all I know she could be fucking dying!” Levi growled. No. He couldn’t have that. He couldn’t lose her. He had lost everybody else dammit. Not her. Not her, please.

“Don’t break it to her now, Levi,” Miche stopped him from opening the door and walking out. “She’s having fun with Hange and Moblit and Nanaba, all gathered in the kitchen. Don’t ruin it,”

“He’s right,” Erwin gave up. He wanted to talk to her. He wanted to find out. He wanted to save her from whatever that was that she was going through. He could only imagine how it felt not being able to tell anyone about it. But if she was happy now, he wouldn’t ruin it either.

“I was supposed to bring you guys to the kitchen for a break,” Miche turned around and walked past Levi and reached for the door. “C’mon, we’ll talk to her about it tomorrow. Let’s just pretend everything’s alright now,”

No, Levi could not pretend that everything was alright. He just couldn’t. Not when her life was obviously in danger. He cared about her. He had opened up to her as much as he could. She was precious to him. He couldn’t lose her to an illness – whatever that was. However serious it was, they had to do something. They had to figure something out. But of all the things, Levi couldn’t fight that off. He could protect her from anything that would come for her, but he could not fight that. This was the only enemy that he didn’t know how to fight. For all he remembered, his mother died from haemoptysis as well. He couldn’t have the same thing happening to her. Not again.

“I know you’re worried,” Erwin’s hand found Levi’s shoulder and finally snapped him out of his thoughts.

Miche was out of the room and already on his way to kitchen, ready to pretend that nothing was wrong and laugh, and joke around as if he didn’t know there was something wrong with Nathalie every time he’d look at her across the table. He had smelled her blood though. He could smell it in her pocket, that’s why he had bumped on her to make sure he took that handkerchief and checked for himself.

“I’m just as worried. I care about her as much as you do,” Erwin said as he pulled his hand away from Levi’s shoulder and he turned to reach for the door and walk out of his office. But Levi spoke. He asked a question that stopped him from moving any further.

“Do you love her?”

It wasn’t a question that he knew how to answer. Erwin just stood there for a moment. His back turned on Levi as he blankly stared at the closed wooden door. His hand wrapped around the doorknob that he couldn’t quite yet twist open.

Did he love her? Did he hate the very thought of her being touched by another man? Yes. Did it hurt knowing that Levi had her in ways that he never could? Yes. Was he dying of jealousy every time he’d even catch a glimpse of her and Levi doing something so innocent as holding hands or each other? Yes. Did he hunger for her? Yes. Every night, for so many nights, he wanted her in his arms. The slightest contact that they now had was enough to keep him thinking about it for days. Would he die for her? Yes. He would, no matter how ridiculous and excessive it sounded. He wanted her there, with him, at all times. He wanted to be the centre of her world. He wanted to be her absolute everything. He wanted to be the man that she’d worship day and night. Was it selfish of him? Yes. It was absolutely selfish, but did he do anything to change it? No. He could change everything about himself, but not that. He needed her. He needed her in every way he could think of.

“I do,” Erwin finally admitted. He had kept trying to convince himself otherwise for so long, but it was worthless. There was no changing what his heart desired no matter how much he had tried to turn it into stone. “I have loved her for a while now,” Erwin turned and looked at Levi. “But you got to her first. You were there for her when I couldn’t. Nathalie needs a man who does exactly that. And that is why her heart belongs to you,”

Levi gritted his teeth. “You idiot. You may be the best strategist in the entire fucking military, but you’re oblivious to everything fucking else, aren’t you?” Levi spat and Erwin turned and looked at him surprised for a moment. “I haven’t told her I love her yet because I know she won’t return the feeling. Because she loves you, Erwin, and I’ve known that ever since the first time I kissed her,”

No. There was no way she loved him. He hadn’t given her any reasons to.

Still, “If you’ve always known that your relationship would be meaningless, then why did you kiss her? Why live with her in the same room? Why fall for her even when you know she won’t ever feel the same?”

“Because it is as you said. She needs a man who can be there for her, even though, she wants the man who can’t,” Levi said, before walking past his Commander and opened the door to walk out leaving Erwin alone in his thoughts for a moment.

She loved him. She really did. Levi wouldn’t mess with him about that, would he? Still, he couldn’t believe it, because he was the one who had pushed her away in the first place. It was his fault she had fallen in the arms of some other man. It was his fault that he wasn’t the one the steal her first kiss. And now her life was in danger. She was suffering through something that she had told them nothing about. He had to protect her from it, whatever the cost.

But for now, Erwin had to compose himself and join everybody in the kitchen. And their laughter was loud – Hange’s laughter the most. Nanaba’s jokes, and Moblit scolding Hange to stop drinking. Miche pouring everybody another glass no matter how much Nathalie whined that it was the last bottle of cognac that they had. The mountain of cookies that she had made was almost brought down but there were still enough left to survive the morning. And then it was Nathalie’s sweet laughter to Hange’s bad biology jokes that only she, Nathalie and Moblit could understand. Levi was sitting beside her. An arm thrown tightly around her as she allowed her head to roll on his shoulder almost tiredly.

And it was a few hours later when they agreed to retreat for the night. Nathalie offered to wash the glasses and Levi offered to stay and dry them off and place them back in the shelves. The others left and gritted them goodnight. Erwin stayed as well. Him and Levi shared a quiet look whilst she finished washing the dishes before Levi turned at Nathalie. He placed the rag he had been using away.

“Nat…” Levi wrapped an arm around her and urged her to turn her attention to him. He looked worried. She gave him a smile.

“What is it, darling?” She asked.

He had no idea how to tell her. Levi just pressed a kiss on her forehead. “Come sit with us. There’s something we need to talk about,” Maybe he’d have to let Erwin do the talking. He was better at it anyway.

That is strange. She only hoped they hadn’t figured her out. She had been acting as normal as she could. “Of course,” She kept her smile on as she dried her hands with a rag, and she sat by the chair that Levi pulled for her. He sat beside her. Erwin was by the head of the table, beside her as well as she was sitting at the corner. She looked between them both and she trapped her hands between her thighs almost shyly. “Almost feels like I’m in the headmaster’s office,” She chuckled.

Erwin chuckled. “There’s nothing to worry about. We’re not here to lecture you about anything,”

She let out a sigh of relief. “Alright, then, what is it?”

Levi pulled out her bloody handkerchief from his pocket and he laid it down on the desk in front of her. Her smile faded and she looked down apologetically. Her fingers started fidgeting with the fabric of her skirt. She should have known that Miche would figure her out. This man’s nose was as sharp as ever.

“So… you figured it out,” She said, and it almost came out into a whisper.

“Nat, we’re worried about you. If there’s anything you want to tell us, we’re here for you,” Levi took her one hand, untangling her fingers from her skirt and lacing them around his own. She gave him a soft smile.

She sighed heavily. “I guess, I wouldn’t be able to hide it for too long,” She looked at both Erwin and Levi. “You may think I’m crazy… but I’m having those voices inside my head… and they’re telling me where the titans came from. What their biology is. Where I came from. What my parents were trying to do when they came here. Things about history that no one knows. Things that I can’t tell because the Interior MPs will hunt me down and everyone I’ve told to things that they’re not supposed to know,” Nathalie looked down at her red-stained handkerchief. “And this is not tuberculosis, it’s the side-effect of all that information weighing in my mind,”

“Which means you’re hurting yourself,” Levi frowned.

“I cannot control those voices, Levi. It’s… It’s the Burgesses. My forefathers. The Burgesses were a noble family that the first King created to be his scientists a- and doctors and researchers. It turns out they can pass down knowledge through their memories to the future generations, but there’s this… price…” She bit her lip and looked away from them both. “…I’ve got… eleven years left,”

“No! Wait, this can’t be true, can it? Nat…” Levi wrapped his arms around her and urged her to turn and look at him. “…you can’t be dying. I won’t let you, ya hear me?”

She cupped his cheek. Her bright blue eyes shined with tears, and she ran her thumb across his cheek. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know if there’s anything that I can do but, I will write down everything I know. The truth about our world, all the information I can get, a- and I’m going to leave it up to you to use it fix this world, but I may not be there to see it, and I’m so sorry, I-”

“I refuse it,” Erwin took her other hand in his own and he laced their fingers together.

His hand was so big compared to her own that practically sank in his. She turned and looked at him with bright blue eyes, drenched in tears. She couldn’t die. Not before he got the chance to live a life with her. Not before he had the chance to watch her be truly happy. Not before he got the chance to rid this world of their rotten kingdom.

He wanted her to live long and free in a better world. In the world that they had devoted their hearts to. And he wanted to live in this world with her. To never be scared to kiss her and hold her, and tell her he loved her, because he’d know that there was nothing to take him from her. But now there was something that was going to take her from him. And he was going to lose it all if that happened. He couldn’t lose her. He would only accept her death if he’d know they had both grown old together after a long, full life. And even then, he’d die with her.

“You won’t use this information to save us, you’ll use this information to save yourself. Find a cure, anything, I don’t care,” Erwin cupped her cheek. “You will not die, Nathalie. Not before I’ve told you…” No. This was no time to say it. Not when she was with some other man. He wasn’t even sure whether she’d return the feeling, but after she told him that she had such little time… it drove him insane. He had to tell her before it was late. “…so many things that I have to tell you,” But he was a coward. He could lead the Scouts – his friends to their deaths, but he couldn’t admit what his heart desired. Not in front of the woman that meant most to him. The woman that was dying. No. He wasn’t going to allow that.

She gave him a small smile. “I’ve already started working on something that might fix me. And it might bring a great advantage to the scouts as well in our missions,”

“You need to rest,” Levi reminded her. “You’ll work on that tomorrow. Just rest for now Nat. And don’t wake up in the night to work, stay with me,”

Nathalie sighed. She knew he had noticed her leaving. Levi was a smart man, and he could fool her easily. Her arm let go of Erwin’s and found Levi’s chest as she buried her face in his neck. “Alright, my darling Levi,” She closed her eyes and sighed tiredly. “I’m so sorry I kept sneaking out at night, there were just so many important things I needed to write down,” Her hand reached for the large pocket of her apron, and she pulled out one of her notebooks. “Here,” She handed it to Erwin. “This explains everything,” Erwin took the notebook and he opened it immediately to start reading, but she caught his hand stopping him. “You better go rest too, though,” She gave him a smile. “You know I can tell when you haven’t slept in days,”

Of course, she could tell. She knew Erwin better than anyone. He smiled at her. “Alright,” Erwin stood up with her notebook in his arms. “Levi,” He caught the other man’s attention. “Take her to bed,”

Levi picked her up with ease, and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and buried her face in his neck. “Gladly,”

Chapter 14: Distance Between Us

Notes:

UNEDITED!

He watched her as she slept. He had paperwork to take care of, but he didn’t care too much about it right now. Levi only focused on making sure that she wasn’t going to wake up in the night. That she was going to rest because she had to. After everything that she had just told him and Erwin – how could he sleep? It was all he could think about. She wasn’t lying. Her… disease was proof that she wasn’t lying, and why would she lie about this? What would she gain if she lied?

No, Levi trusted her. Erwin trusted her. Everybody trusted her. She hadn’t given them any reasons not to. I don’t know if there’s anything that I can do but, I will write down everything I know. The truth about our world, all the information I can get, and I’m going to leave it up to you to use it to fix this world, but I may not be there to see it. No. Levi refused it. Nathalie was going to be okay. She wasn’t going to die. Eleven years she said she had. Which meant that she’d die at her thirty-five years old. Who knows what might have happened by then? She could have grown far more precious to him than he could think of. But she said she was close to coming up with something that might prolong her lifespan.

Maybe he shouldn’t worry too much about it. They had eleven years to figure it out. Levi just held her close and pressed against him. Her face buried his neck, his arms around her, her own, on his chest. Her eyes, closed, and a peaceful expression on her perfect face. Pink, plump lips pressed into a thin line. She hadn’t even attempted to change to a much comfortable position. She must have been exhausted. Levi buried his face in her hair as he held her limp body close beneath their blankets.

“If you’ve always known that your relationship would be meaningless, then why did you kiss her? Why live with her in the same room? Why fall for her even when you know she won’t ever feel the same?”

“Because it is as you said. She needs a man who can be there for her, even though, she wants the man who can’t,”

What the hell was he going to do with it? Keep on loving her? Keep on looking out for her and sharing his quarters, and kissing her and having her until one day she’d decide to stop this all? Until one day she’d make her mind and finally open her heart to Erwin who was going to accept her with open arms. And where would that get him? Levi would wind up the way he had always been. Alone. Of course, she didn’t love him. Not the way that he loved her. She’d never do the things he’d do for her.

This was all so wrong. It was all such a terrible mistake. She shouldn’t be here. On a bed that she shared with him. In a room that she shared with him. They shouldn’t be having breakfast and dinner together. They shouldn’t be so close. She shouldn’t be so familiar to him. Her scent, her taste, her touch – none of it should have been so, so welcome to him. He shouldn’t have kissed her that day. Maybe things would have been easier if he hadn’t.

But how could he not to when she had been nicer to him than anyone else he had met in his life.

Levi decided it was time he closed his eyes and tried to sleep. There was no denying it, she was beautiful in the dim light of the oil lamp that rested by her nightstand. He could just watch her forever. But she wasn’t his. And maybe, he shouldn’t be trying to figure out what to do with their unmatched feelings for each other. He would always be there for her either she’d do the same, or not.

༻◊۞◊༺

“WHAT?!” Hange grabbed Nathalie by her shirt and tugged her close shaking her body in her grip lightly. “YOU SELFLESS BRAT, YOU’RE DYING AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME!?”

“Section Commander! Try not to kill her yourself, please!” Moblit tried to contain Hange like he always did, but she wasn’t having it.

“I’M SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR BEST FRIEND!”

“Here,” Erwin approached Hange as she finally let go of Nathalie’s shirt and she turned at the notebook that he was handing over to her. It was Nathalie’s notebook. He had spent the entire past night reading it, and if everything that Nathalie had written in there was true, then the state of the world was far worse than he had imagined. “This is all the information Nathalie has on the truth about the world, the titans, everything,” He looked at Miche, Levi, Hange, Moblit and Nanaba. “This is information that only the five of you will know about. It will not leave this room. It is essential that no one knows what we do,”

Hange opened the notebook and started reading curiously. “Are you sure about this Erwin?” Miche crossed his arms against his chest. “If the King really is lying about everything, won’t we be doing the same if we kept this all a secret?”

“Yes,” Erwin nodded. “But we hold no proof of what’s written in that notebook, and our current government will chase us down the second they find out that we know the truth,” It was exactly what they had done to his father. “We need to wait and act smart at the right time. And this is not that time,”

“We trust you, Commander,” Nanaba said. “In the time being, we’ll just have to read that notebook first,” Miche nodded at her before the two of them walked out of the room with Hange and Moblit following behind.

“Levi,” Erwin looked at the man who was standing beside her. “I’d like to have a word with Nat,”

There was no denying it. Levi didn’t want to leave them alone in the same room. Maybe today was the day that he lost her. Still, that day would inevitably come. Better sooner than later, I guess. Levi nodded before he walked out of the room, leaving the two alone.

Finally, after all this time, Erwin would get the chance to prove to himself, and everyone else that his father was right about their world. He said the King altered the people’s memory. Nathalie had written just that in her notebook. Everything about the Ackermans, the Fritzes, the Leitzes, the Roffs, and the Burgesses. The five noble families of Paradis – apparently, that was the name of their island. Yes, they were on an island. There was an entire world out there that they knew nothing about. But at least now he knew that his father was right. Erwin sighed heavily as he looked outside at the bright light of the day that showered the Trost District. He could faintly see his reflection, mirroring on the window. His back turned on her. His eyes staring at the bright blue sky that matched the colour of his irises, but his mind, far, far deep within his thoughts.

“We may not have proof of anything… but that’s exactly why they killed my father,” Erwin finally said, and her eyes widened for a moment. She had always known he suspected they had murdered his father, and she knew he had been blaming himself, but she never knew the details. He hadn’t dared to tell her, scared that she might’ve been in danger if she knew. He turned and looked at her. “Remember him?” A small smile spread on his lips. “He was our history teacher,”

“I remember,” Nathalie bit her lip. She couldn’t remember the last time they had talked about his father. He’d never open up about it.

“He told me he had a theory about our world. That the first King somehow altered our memories and erased history,” Her eyes widened. “That is exactly what you have written in that notebook, Nat, and that’s how I’m sure that everything you say is true,”

And so, a man had tried reaching the truth, only to be killed before he’d get there. She never knew. Erwin had never told her to protect her, only for her to come to the same conclusion that the voices of her ancestors confirmed. But she knew it had always bothered him. What happened with his father had scarred him for life.

“Aw, Erwin,” Nathalie approached him and pulled him into a hug.

She stood on her tiptoes or else, she wouldn’t be able to reach him. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, and he wrapped his arms around her. He didn’t know he needed a hug until she offered him one. Erwin leaned down and buried his face in her shoulder. He breathed in her sweet scent, and he closed his eyes. His arms tightened around her as he picked her up gently, bringing her to his eye-level so that he could properly bury his face in her neck. Her legs, no longer touching the floor. Her skin was warm, and her chest bounced into a sweet giggle. He picked her up so easily. He always did it with minimal effort. He could hold her like this for too long. Her fingers found his golden hair and buried into them as she soothingly caressed his scalp. Erwin closed his eyes and let out a sigh.

But it was short-lived. Nathalie jumped off his arms and wrapped her arms behind her back. “I was thinking of asking Levi to spend the holidays with me and my parents. What do you think he’s going to say?”

It felt like a cold splash of water on his face. Erwin was under the impression that it was him that she was going to spend the holidays with. He was under the impression that it was him her heart belonged to. Levi had said so. Levi wouldn’t lie about it right? Why would he? Then how the hell was Erwin demoted to the bestie that she’d talk with about her relationships?! And she was going to introduce him to her parents? What the hell was that?! A marriage proposal?

Or maybe Erwin and Levi had spent too much time wondering what she was feeling instead of actually seeing how she was feeling. If Levi loved her, and she loved him back, then Erwin had been fighting a long-lost fight.

Erwin turned his back on her and started sorting the piles of papers that he had on his desk. “I’m certain… Levi cannot deny anything you ask him to,”

She sighed. “I know, he’s… precious,” Nathalie smiled to herself, and she made her way to the door. She chuckled. “And he has no idea,” She walked out of his office and closed the door behind. To say that he was confused and… disappointed would be an understatement.

Maybe he and Levi had spent too much time trying to guess what she wanted instead of actually seeing what she wanted. And that wasn’t him, it had always been Levi. Levi was the man who deserved her. And maybe that was for the best.

Alas, he had no idea, Nathalie bit her lip and hesitated to leave. She had just pushed him away. She had just done the one thing that she never thought she would. She loved him. She didn’t know whether Erwin could return the feeling, but the way he held her, and picked her up, and buried his face in her shoulder. She could see there was something in this. But that would only add more trouble to his already troubled mind. He had so many responsibilities on his shoulders. She wasn’t about to add herself there as well.

She had to keep pushing Erwin away.

༻◊۞◊༺

Nathalie returned back to their quarters after she made a small visit to the kitchen to make some tea and grab a dish of the cookies that she had made the other night. She took the tray back upstairs and pushed the door open of hers and Levi’s quarters, finding him sitting by the desk, scribbling down on paperwork. Always so hardworking he was, always there, either training rookies or diving right into the piles after piles of paper that Erwin would send his way. Of course, she never let him deal with this all on his own. She’d always help him. She knew how tiresome paperwork could be. Especially for someone who just learned how to read and write. But he was so good at it.

Levi was smart, and gentle, and sweet, and cared about her. And she cared about him too. She cared about him a lot. She’d do anything for him. And he’d do anything for her. But Erwin would never do the same. She knew Erwin owned her heart, and once she realised how tight he had held her – how he had picked her up – how he’d place her in his lap and even let her sleep there in his arms, she knew there was something precious between them, but it couldn’t go on. Erwin had a purpose in life – a responsibility, he wanted to change the world and make it a better place, and all of that would give him no time for her.

She was saving him the trouble. It was better if he knew that she was in love with another man. He’d stop chasing her. He’d focus on the things that mattered more to him. And she’d focus on the man who would dedicate his heart to her. Because Erwin never would. She wasn’t stupid. She could tell which was the man that could give her what she wanted. That man was Levi, and she was going to love him like he deserved to be loved.

And so, she walked in their quarters with a smile, and a tray in her hands with two cups of tea and a dish of cookies that they were going to share. But Levi did not look at her direction to make sure that it was her like he usually would. He did not have this small smile that would appear on his lips whenever he’d see her. He did not take his eyes off the papers laid in front of him.

“He kissed you, didn’t he?”

Instead, he said that, and her smile disappeared, and she stopped walking towards him. The tray still in her hands. Why would he say that? Why would Erwin kiss her? She wasn’t Erwin’s. She was never going to be – and it hurt, she could not deny that – but how did she manage to give Levi the impression that she would kiss another man whilst she already belonged to him?

And her shock and silence were enough of a proof to him. Levi finally looked up at her. An unreadable look on his face, but his eyes – his eyes always betrayed him. Sorrow. “It’s alright, Nat. I’ve known he’s the one for you since the very beginning. We’ll stop whenever you-”

“What the fuck, Levi?!”

Okay. That was the last thing he was expecting to come from her. He did not hide the surprise from his widened eyes and his parted lips.

“You think I’d kiss him while I’m with you? You think I’d kiss him and come back here and pretend like it didn’t happen?”

“No,” She wouldn’t do that. “But you sure as hell had something to tell me,”

“I was about to offer you to spend the winter break with me and my parents,”

Nathalie averted her eyes away from his own as she placed the tray down on an empty spot on his desk across him. The hurt quite visible on her face and her voice. What kind of woman did he think that she was? To cheat on the man who would give her the world and run off to some other man who would do nothing for her. She couldn’t understand how she had given him that impression. Did he think that she was using him till she’d finally get to be with the man that she truly loved?

“But I guess, you wouldn’t want to spend a few days with the woman who’s using you and would abandon you the second another man would make a move on her,”

Nathalie turned around to leave. She hurriedly made her way to their door. She had to get out here. He no longer had to watch her cry and be there for her since she was such a terrible woman by his point of view.

But Levi caught her hand and twisted her body to face his own so very powerfully and suddenly. She let out a gasp. He had never grasped her and manhandled her like this. He brought her body flushed against his own before his lips crushed atop her own. He stole her breath, her questions, her worries, her sadness. He stole it all. He was wrong. Maybe he did have a chance with her. Maybe she could return the feeling. He kissed her hard. Both his arms wrapped around her, one found her cheek, her hair, making sure she wouldn’t escape his kiss. But she kissed him back and melted right into him and closed her eyes and met his taste.

“I love you, Nat,” Levi breathed against her lips and her eyes widened. He brought her arm up to his lips, pressing a kiss on the palm of her hand. “And maybe I was… terrified that you might never say it back,”

“My darling Levi,” She cupped his face and pecked his lips. She brought him close, urging him to bury his face in her neck, and he did it gladly. He closed his eyes and breathed her in and held her tight. “I love you,” she said sweetly in his ear, and it almost felt like he was in heaven. “I can love you the way you deserve to be loved,”

“But you love him too,” Levi pulled back and pressed his forehead against her own. And she looked down and shook her head.

“Erwin and I cannot be together. We’re incompatible. I- I want a man to be reliable, and love me, and be there for me, and I- I want a family, and normality, and Erwin can’t give me any of that,” And then the realisation hit her, and she bit her lip, looking down. “I guess, with my short life… you won’t get the chance to give me that either,”

“Nat, you will figure this out,” He cupped her cheek, drawing her attention. “You’re the smartest woman I know. Can’t have anything happening to you,”

She gave him a smile. “My sweet Levi,” She pecked his lips. “I adore you. Don’t you ever doubt that,”

He pressed a kiss on her forehead. “Alright,” He pulled back to look at her. “I will spend the winter break with you,”

Chapter 15: Winter Aboveground for the First Time 🟥

Notes:

this is more levi stuff pls forgive me, but the erwin stuff come in two chapters I PROMISE NNBGNKFJDMLS

It was very early in the morning when Nathalie woke up. She immediately tucked her hand back into the blanket. It must have strayed out during her sleep, but it was a terrible idea, because it was so cold right now. It was without a doubt that it had snowed outside. Maybe she’d walk out today and find everything white outside. She loved a feeling like that. The window seemed frozen on the outside and light entered right in. There were clouds in the sky, thick and light grey as they laid snow on the land beneath. But the light wasn’t too much. She was certain it was still very early in the morning. But there was no rush for anything. They didn’t have anything to do today.

Today was the 24^th of December and they had no duties to attend to. The blankets were warm beneath even though the room was cold. Nathalie noted to herself that she had to stand up and get the fireplace going, but the bed was just too warm and comfortable right now and there was no way she could stand up right now. She turned to search for Levi. His back turned on her and a hand tucked beneath his pillow where he rested his cheek above. He seemed peaceful, but she could never tell whether he was sleeping or was just messing with her.

Nathalie wrapped an arm around him, shifting close to him, bringing her chest pressed on his back as she buried her face at the crook of his shoulder. The cold tip of her nose met his neck and she breathed in his scent, closing her eyes, and sighing contently. Her sweet man. Levi’s larger hand shifted atop her own – the one that was thrown around his torso – and he laced their fingers together. His hand was warmer. He drew in a sharp breath, signalling his awakening.

Levi turned to face her body with his own as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and urged him to bury his face in her neck, her chest. He wrapped his arms around her waist – lithe fingers pushed the fabric of her nightgown up in search of her soft, warm skin beneath. He traced the small of her back with rough fingers. Her own fingers found his hair, his back – sneaking through his white, long-sleeved shirt, touching his skin, tracing his scalp with gentle moves that brought a sigh out of him. His warm breath fanned down her cleavage and he nuzzled closer into her, arms tightening around her.

Nathalie smiled looking down at him as he nested in her chest. So sweet and vulnerable right now and she was the only one who would ever see him like this. Her beloved Levi. She pressed a kiss on his forehead as she brushed his raven hair away from his face.

“My beloved Levi,” She pressed another kiss on his forehead. “My sweet boy,”

And his arms tightened around her. He kept his eyes closed as she said these and buried her face in his hair – as he nuzzled into her. He instantly wanted to kiss her, to tell her he loved her with his entire being because she was bringing him emotions that no one had in such a long time. Right there, in her hug, in her warm skin, her fingers in his hair – his troubles were so far away, his nightmares, unreachable by any means possible. He felt safety. For the first time in his life, he felt like he didn’t have to be on guard. He felt like in the arms of this woman, he could just forget about the world and focus on this very precious moment.

He wanted to tell her he loved her. But he didn’t.

“I love you, Nat. And maybe I was… terrified that you might never say it back,”

“My darling Levi, I love you. I can love you the way you deserve to be loved,”

“But you love him too,”

“Erwin and I cannot be together,”

She hadn’t denied it. She hadn’t denied that she loved Erwin. He couldn’t tell her he loved her because she wouldn’t deny it this time either. Her heart belonged to Erwin. It always had, he always knew, he knew what he was getting himself into when he first kissed her. In all her perfection, she was a selfless woman and would split herself in two – a part for him and a part for Erwin. But he didn’t want that. Levi wanted the entirety of her, even though, he knew he’d never have it.

But he wasn’t going to give up.

He would get the entirety of her. One day, one way or another. She would be his. Utterly.

She let out a shaky gasp and snapped him out of it. “Levi…” She gasped his name and he realised he had been digging his fingers into her skin far too roughly – definitely leaving dark purple bruises on the perfect, creamy skin of her waist. He immediately loosened his grip. The last thing he wanted was hurt her. He pulled his face up to look at her in utter concern. He pressed his forehead against her own.

“I’m so sorry, Nat, I-”

“It’s alright,” She gave him a smile.

The stinging pain, subsiding. She cupped his cheek and pecked his lips, wiping that look of concern off his perfect, sharp features. She knew what he was thinking when he did this. It wasn’t the first time he was unknowingly bruising her in his suffocating hold. He was either terrified that he was going to lose her – or he was thinking of her dying before every Expedition, or just wanted to give himself some relief – some reassurance that in his arms she was safe. She had learned to read the signs, and she loved all of those reasons. She’d let him bruise her and suffocate her for those reasons. He was a touch-starved man, and she was willing to give him everything because he simply deserved everything – but if he lost that everything, that was the result – him, holding her tight enough to darken her skin.

But she didn’t care. She didn’t mind it one bit.

She ran her soft thumb across his cheek as her eyes met his own. “If there is anything that troubles you…” She gave him a smile. “…you know I am here for you,”

She knew him so well. She could tell everything he was thinking and she hadn’t even known him for too many years. His hand reached back and cupped the back of her head, bringing her closer. She buried her face in his neck and her arms found his chest. Now it was she, nuzzling into him, and him, holding her tight. It was a mutual contribution of comfort. He made her feel wanted, and she comforted him. She held him when he needed her, she made sure he ate enough food and had a normal sleeping schedule. She made sure her stayed healthy. She was just there. There for him. And it was all he could ever ask of someone.

And that is why he couldn’t lose that.

“I know,” Levi pressed a kiss beneath her ear, and she shivered.

Nathalie pulled back, meeting his eyes with the brightest smile and excitement in her large, bright blue eyes. “This is your first ever winter aboveground, isn’t it?” She got off the bed and she grabbed his hand and started dragging him out of the bed too.

“W- Wait, Nat-!”

“C’mon! Let’s get dressed in something warm, there’s something I’d like you to see,”

༻◊۞◊༺

There was no way he had seen this before. It was one of the many things that people aboveground had taken for granted. Snow. Nathalie dragged Levi by the hand with a laugh bursting out of her chest as she brought him outside the Survey Corps HQ and in the midst of the usually busy street. Now there wasn’t a single soul outside at this temperature and at the vast snow that was still falling. It was almost reaching their knees but thank goodness for those large boots that barely allowed any snow to slip in and soak their feet.

Levi was speechless – exactly as she expected him to be. Sure, it was cold, and his entire body shivered – admittedly, colder than the winters that he had spent underground. But it was clean. It was an immaculate white, soft to touch, beautiful to stare at. It covered everything. The rooftops, the streets, all kinds of surfaces. It was beautiful. It made a shitty street he had grown tired of, look beautiful. His lips parted in awe, and his fingers were no longer tight around her own. The soft whiteness reflected on his silver eyes just perfectly as he ran his gaze all around.

It was his first time seeing snow.

And her heart ached for him so much for that. There were so many first times the past months that she had spent with him. He didn’t know what apples were, or how to write a proper paragraph, or how to read a book, not even what yogurt is, or what cake is, or how blue the sky could be, and how cold the breeze would feel on his skin, or how the rain looked and sounded like. He hadn’t known any of these, and she had introduced him everything and her heart ached for him because he had been through hell – he hadn’t told her a thing, but she could tell. All she wanted was to make up for the things he lacked all those years. She wanted to give him the love, the affection, the experiences that he had been so much deprived of.

Levi’s attention snapped back at her when he felt something hitting him on the chest – on top of the black coat that he had thrown around him. It wasn’t too harsh. He didn’t budge at all. He just looked at her surprised and then on that ball of snow that she was trapping between her fingers ready to throw another one at him.

She giggled. Her cheeks where a flushed bright pink from the cold. She was wearing a green beanie and green fingerless mittens that she had told him she had made herself. She had her own oversized coat on top of her black skirt and her white shirt. She was beautiful, surrounded by white, that large smile on her lips, her sweet laughter in his ears – a beautiful harmony.

“C’mon! This is your first ever snowball fight, right?” She grinned. “I’ll make sure to go easy on you,”

He almost had a smile spreading across his lips – for the first time, wide enough to see from a distance. She tossed him another snowball to his chest before he leaned down and gathered a ball of snow. He had no idea why he was doing this. It was so worthless and such a waste of time, but he couldn’t stop himself. She was preparing another ball to toss at him, and she would inevitably beat him. So, it’s called snow. It looked like frozen water, and it made sense because the temperatures were so low.

He tossed a snowball at her, and she turned her back on him so that it landed on her back. He chuckled. His brilliant girl. And this repeated for a while. He even found himself letting out a laugh. He couldn’t help it when she was being such a brat and tossing snowballs at him before he could notice. And then, he took her by surprise by tossing a snowball so powerfully on her leg that it knocked her down on the snow with a yelp.

Levi’s eyes widened. Admittedly, he hadn’t made sure to control his strength this time. He rushed to her side and leaned down to pick her up, but in a blink of an eye, his lying down on the snow, and she was on top of him with a mischievous smile on her lips and another sweet laugh escaping her throat. She was straddling him, and she was gorgeous as she pulled off her foggy glasses and tucked them in the pocket of her coat and then her hands found his cheeks and cupped his face.

“Gotcha!”

She giggled as she leaned down close, the pink, cold tip of her nose snuggled against his own as his warm breath met her lips. He wrapped his arms around her pressing her body close. Her lips looked dry, and cold, but plump, and pink, and perfect. They parted perfectly as her smile disappeared and she leaned closer to him. Her bright blue eyes focused on his own lips, and he instantly knew she wanted him to kiss her.

And he did just that. He held her close as he took her lips between his own and slipped his tongue right into the sweet warmth of her mouth. His sweet Nathalie. His woman. He wanted her to be his woman. Even though, he didn’t know how much possible that could be. But he didn’t linger on any troubling thought this time. Right now, he just focused on the precious moment – his back freezing and his body shivering, reminding him that he was lying on top of a very, very cold layer of snow, but every part of him felt alive. For once in his life, he had things to hope for – her.

And right now, Erwin just couldn’t work. He couldn’t come up with a decent strategy. He was supposed to be planning ahead right now, but he couldn’t think of anything. He was holding a mug of steaming hot tea, staring outside his window at the snow, and there was no way he could ignore Nathalie and Levi being out there. Having so much fun with playing with snow. He had never seen Levi crack a smile. He had never seen this man so happy.

But he had seen Nathalie be happy like this. He had seen her in her green beanie and mittens. He had seen that smile – back when they were children, her first ever snowball fight she had it with him. She was five, he was ten, always there to protect her and drag her by his side because she was always safe there from all the other older children of the neighbourhood.

It should be him out there, kissing her right now, holding her, tasting her sweet lips. Her small body on top of his own, his large arms around her. It should be him. But, no, it was another man and Erwin hated it no matter how happy they both seemed to be making each other.

“Hey, Erwin, Hange got those reports ready if you wanna have a…”

Miche entered his office, but he stopped talking when he realised, Erwin wasn’t paying any attention to him. He was just staring outside, and it wasn’t just him who had caught a glimpse of Levi and Nathalie being out there. Miche instantly knew what his friend was thinking. He let out a sigh and he approached Erwin, leaving another pile of papers on his desk, and stepping beside his friend. He noticed Levi and Nathalie were still lying on the snow and kissing. He peeked at Erwin and Miche placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder. Miche took the cup of neglected tea from Erwin’s hand and placed it on his desk. He wasn’t going to be drinking it.

“I’ll… get you a beer instead,”

༻◊۞◊༺

“So, Nathalie told us you grew up in the Underground, son,”

It was night now, and they were having dinner with Nathalie’s parents. Levi immediately tensed up and parted his lips to say something. Nathalie noticed his shoulders stiffening and she knew he was nervous, but he had no reason to be, she talked to her parents so much, enough to prepare them to not scare Levi on their first ever dinner meeting him.

“There is nothing to be ashamed about, darling,” Her mother, Grace said.

Her cooking had been excellent so far from everything that Levi had tried on their rich dinner table. The fireplace was lit in the living room, not too far from where they sat on, it brought enough light, and candles all around aided in lightening the room. It was night – afternoon actually, but the nights seemed to grow the more they approached winter.

“It wasn’t your fault you were trapped down there,” Grace added.

“Precisely, and now, you’re here, aboveground, ready to start a new life,” Her father added. He was a tall, lithe middle-aged man, but he seemed kind, and understanding. Though, Levi didn’t seem to spot a similarity between her parents and herself. None of both had blue eyes, and none of both had brown hair. Both with black hair and brown eyes and different facial features. “Hopefully, you’ll start that new life with our daughter,”

“Oh yes! Have you any idea how excited she was talking to us about you yesterday?”

Nathalie hid her blushing face behind her hand. “Mom!” She whined.

“Oh c’mon, just tell him he makes you happy,” Grace laughed. She stood up and started gathering the empty dishes. Their dinner was coming to an end. “Sometimes that’s all your man needs to hear. But honest to God, darling, I thought by now you and Erwin would be-”

“I told you, Grace, Erwin is not right for our girl,” Her father cut in.

“I know, but ever since they were little, I could see that-”

“Alright, alright, let me help you with that,” Nathalie picked up another pair of dishes and literally dragged her mom to the kitchen to stop her from saying anything further.

When they were done washing the dishes and placing everything in their shelves and drawers, Nathalie’s parents said that they would be spending the night at the local pub with all the other neighbours – it was a custom for the entire neighbourhood to gather at the eve of the 25^th of December and talk and have a drink. They used to do this every year. Having good relationships with the neighbours was always an advantage.

Now, the house was far too quiet as Nathalie settled down on the couch that faced the fireplace in the living room. Levi was already there, and she shifted close to him. He wrapped an arm around her, bringing her closer as she allowed her head to fall back against his shoulder. 

It was nice, right there, in the comfortable silence. Nathalie focused on the orange flame as it danced with the ashes and consumed the wood. Warmth radiated at them and that blanket that she had wrapped around her wasn’t much needed, but she loved having something to nuzzle into.

“Your parents… they seem… nice,” Levi said after a while, breaking the silence.

She smiled. “There’s no saying how many lectures I had to give them to not scare you too much,” She giggled. “You are… the first ever man I bring home,” She pressed a kiss on his cheek, and he looked at her with a soft smile as she buried her face back in his neck like a touch-starved kitten.

Her attention fell back at the flickering fire. She didn’t know whether telling him the truth about herself would be a good idea. What would he think of her if he knew that she was adopted? That she had parents, but they gave her away as if she was some kind of abomination. Would he look at her differently if he knew that? She would have to find out. She would have to open up to him, and trust him, because she wanted to give everything to him. Herself as well.

“You know… they’re not my actual parents,” Nathalie said, and his eyes nearly widened. No wonder he could find no indication that she was theirs – no similarities whatsoever. But in all the months they had been together, she hadn’t told him that. “My actual parents left me in a basket in the doorstep of this very home with a letter of empty promises,” She looked at him and gave him a soft smile – bitter, even. “I have no right to complain. They have supported me. They raised me, they gave me everything and more than I could ask for… but sometimes, I can’t help but wonder… whether there’s something wrong with me… and maybe that’s why… my parents left me,”

She buried her face further into the warm skin of his neck and she shut her eyes, wrapping her arms around him tightly. She did not want to see his face after her small confession. Maybe he’d look at her in disgust, and maybe he’d leave her just like they did. Her self-esteem and her confidence were miniscule. Even after everything she had achieved – always the best in her class – in every class, in school, then, the university, then, the Survey Corps – the best soldier of the cruellest Regiment of them all, and she never even planned to be a soldier. She never wanted to. But here she was now, and she did not regret staying in the Survey Corps just for Levi. At least, Levi deserved to have her – all of her and everything she could give.

“Oi, brat,” Levi’s rough fingers met her cheek and urged her to pull slightly back and look at him. He couldn’t believe she had even considered the fact that there was something wrong with her. That woman was the definition of perfection – in his eyes at least. “There’s nothing wrong with you. Your parents were just a bunch of idiots,” Silver eyes met her own and his nose snuggled against her own. “If a piece of shit like me can have a woman like you, then a woman like you should have everything,”

She cupped his face in both her hands. Her heart thrummed hard beneath her chest. “You’re not anything like that, and I’m not so special either,”

“You are, Nat,”

She chuckled. “I’m not, I mean… look at me,” She looked down at herself – at her slim body that she was never really fond of and could hardly look at herself in the mirror.

But he just couldn’t see the imperfections no matter how much he tried. “I am looking at you,” Maybe he was just being a lovestruck idiot, but he couldn’t get his eyes off her.

He wanted to kiss her. He wanted to take her, right here and now. They had been together for so long, but they hadn’t been this close to each other. They had yet to have their bodies joined and bare to one another, and exposed. It was going to be her first time and he didn’t know whether she wanted it to be with him. He didn’t know whether she was still waiting for Erwin – he had no idea whether her heart belonged to him, or at least, part of it.

“Tomorrow… or maybe today…” Levi peeked at the clock that hung by the wall. It was 01:20am. “…was the day that I was born twenty-five years ago,”

Her eyes widened. “Your birthday is at winter?!”

He nodded and looked away from her. He didn’t want to see her reaction whilst he’d told her about him. He was having the same doubts she had before telling him about herself. Maybe they were not so different from each other.

“My mother… she worked in a brothel in the Underground. Most women do down there… she died when I was… five, six,” It was admittedly hard to talk about it. Levi looked down and waited for her reaction. She would probably despise him to know that he was the bastard son of some random guy, and his mother, a woman who would sell her body just to survive. He wouldn’t be surprised if she kicked him out of her house right this instant. Instead, a loud sob erupted from her throat and fat, warm tears ran down her cheeks. That was a reaction that he did not expect. He cupped her cheek wiping her tears away. “Oi, brat, I didn’t tell you this so that you can start crying,”

“I- I’m sorry, you’re the one I should be consoling right now, but I can’t help it when I think of a… small you all on his own in the Underground, it’s just… oh God,” Nathalie climbed on his lap, straddling him, and pulling the blanket from around her, throwing it around him. “Come here,” She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and cupped the back of his head urging him to bury his face in her neck.

He wrapped his arms around her and nuzzled in her warm skin snuggly. He drew in her scent and shut his eyes as she buried her fingers in his hair and tangled them between her fingers. He loved when she did that.

“Honestly, I thought you’d despise me after knowing about this,” Levi confessed, and she pulled back cupping his face and meeting his eyes.

“Why the hell would I do that?!” She brushed his hair away from his forehead. “It would only mean I’m a terrible person. But I’m not pitying you either. It would be utterly rude of me to pity you,” She chuckled. “I admire you, Levi… because you were tossed into the cruel world of the Underground at such a young age, and you made it out alive,”

“I’ve done terrible things to survive, Nat… I’ve killed and destroyed and burned down buildings and families and even killed people who didn’t deserve it-”

“You did this all for the sake of your survival,”

“That’s not enough to pardon my crimes. My entire life has been driven by violence and it is still driven by violence a- and I don’t know why I am like this-”

“My darling Levi, listen to me, my love,” Nathalie cupped his face with both hands and made sure she had his attention. “You weren’t born violent. You were forced to become violent – to toss aside your morals and do things you would never do otherwise. There’s nothing wrong with you. You are not a bad man, my love,”

He kissed her. He caught her lips and kissed her hard he almost knocked a yelp out of her. She made perfect sense. Maybe he just needed to hear that coming from someone. His arms tightened around her as she melted right in and closed her eyes. She let him nibble on her lips till they were rosy and swollen. She let him suffocate her with his tongue and his sweet taste. She let him. So needy, so touch starved. She knew he had lacked so many things growing up in the Underground. She wanted to make up for it all. So, she kissed him back with the same force. She buried her fingers in his hair and held him tightly.

Levi laid her down on the couch with his body on top of her own. His arms buried to the soft cushions around her, keeping himself from crushing her. Mouths still glued together, and he couldn’t stop tasting her. Maybe he was going to have her tonight. Maybe tonight she was going to be his at last.

Levi planted a line of kisses all the way down her chin, her neck, her chest. Her hands found his hair and buried within the raven, silky locks pulling him closer to her as he kissed and nipped gently at the tender white skin of her neck, her chest.

She parted her pink lips and let out a soft gasp when he left down his very first mark on her neck. Her fingers tightened around his hair, and he groaned and shut his eyes, and buried his face further into her warm skin. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight for a moment before he pulled back and met her eyes with his own. He pressed his forehead against her own and his hand found her buttoned shirt. His breath brushed warm down her lips. His bangs touched her forehead, her cheeks.

“May I?” Levi asked. He wanted to know whether she really wanted this. He knew she was shy. He knew she wasn’t particularly fond of her body. Sure, she looked skinny, lacking all the right curves, and looking weak, but she was strong. She was so smart, and so strong, a talented soldier. A loving partner. An innocent, yet intelligent angel.

Nathalie smiled at him and cupped his cheek. Her fingers were so tender on his cheek, he closed his eyes like he always did when she touched him. “You may,” Her hand slipped away from his cheek and found his ascot that she had tied for him before they left the HQ in the same afternoon. “May I?” She asked in the same manner and a smile almost flashed at the corners of his lips.

Levi nodded and she untangled his ascot and her fingers worked on the buttons of his white shirt. He pushed off his black jacket, along with his unbuttoned shirt. He was warm and almost as skinny as she was, but his muscles were still refined, and they shifted beneath her fingertips as he started unbuttoning her shirt. He looked like a God beneath the dim light of the fireplace. Before he had the chance to do anything, she buried her face in his neck and she started kissing him. She kissed him soft and tender in all the skin she could reach. She kissed his chest, his neck. Levi closed his eyes. Her let out a soft grunt when her fingers found his hair, scratching gently beneath his undercut.

Goodness, she was precious. No one had ever touched him like this. No one had ever showed that kind of affection to him. Those kisses. Those touches. He was going to love her forever. He wanted to. And when her lips found his cheek, his jawline, his chin, he couldn’t help it. He caught her hair and brought her lips to his own. He kissed her, harder this time than any other time. There was no saying what he felt for her. All he could do was convey through actions how much he wanted her. Tongues locked each other in the sweetest dance as he finally took off her shirt.

A bright blush spread across her cheeks. Finally, the upper part of her, bare and revealed to him, and she almost felt like she wanted to hide, and she wasn’t even completely exposed yet. She so shyly wrapped her arms around her, and Levi let go of her lips and looked down at her. He cupped her face and leaned close, running kisses across her cheek, her chin, her neck.

He pressed a kiss just beneath her ear. “You’re beautiful, Nat,” He whispered reassuringly right there. He took her hands in his own and guided them to hold onto him instead. “So beautiful to me,”

Oh God, was this actually happening? Nathalie wrapped her arms around his shoulders. She traced his back with her fingers. The scars he had there. The muscles that flexed beneath her fingertips with every move that he made. She pressed a kiss at the crook of his shoulder.

“My darling Levi,” Nathalie purred when he buried his face in her neck and he started kissing and licking and sucking.

When he trapped a part of her flesh between his lips and sucked gently, she let out a soft gasp and bit her lip. He reached her chest and did the same there. Her hands reached back, between her body and the mattress and she unclipped her bra. He helped pull it off of her before he trapped a nipple in her mouth and sucked gently, running his warm, slick tongue across her peaked nipple. She trembled beneath him. So sensitive for him already.

And when he reached her stomach, her lower belly, his hands reached for the hem of her skirt, he looked up at her, searching for permission. She was blushing so hard. Nathalie nodded, biting her lower lip a little harsher. She helped him slip her skirt and her panties off and now she was fully exposed to him. God, she never thought she’d ever get there. She pressed her legs together right away. Her hands reached to cover herself instinctively. His eyes met her own as he slowly pushed her legs apart once more. Levi crawled back on top of her once more and he caught her lips in his own again. She had to forget all about her insecurities. There was no reason for her to be insecure around him. She had to open up to him. Just as he had opened up to her. He was the only man she would ever get that far with.

She wrapped her arms around him again and kissed him back. Both pairs of eyes closed, and his fingers found her hips, her thighs, supporting her legs around his waist. He was so hard beneath his pants. It wasn’t just her own first time. It was his as well. He never thought he’d find someone to do this with. He never thought he could fall that deep. But there was nothing about her that he didn’t fall for. She was perfect. He loved her and he no longer cared whether she could feel the same or not. She was free to do whatever she wanted – but tonight – tonight she was his. And he was going to make sure she remembered tonight for all the nights to come.

He barely knew what to do. He knew things he had heard from those pigs in the Underground taverns. The disgusting things they’d talk about that they’d do to women. He had hated this entire act ever since he could remember himself. He found it disgusting altogether. But now, there was nothing disgusting about having her close. There was nothing disgusting about her warm supple body against his own. Her soft fingers that traced his bare shoulders, his back, his neck, his chest. He never thought he’d actually ever have this intimacy with someone. But he wanted it. He wanted to have this with her. Maybe this intimacy – the ways his mother served her customers to survive – maybe it wasn’t so terrible after all. Maybe it was just the people using something so precious and intimate for profit.

Yes. That was it. He couldn’t believe it had taken him that long to understand. Yet again, he wasn’t the smart one in the room. It was she – that wonderful woman that now lay bare beneath him. He knew how hard this all was for her. To open up like this and let somebody see her bare and exposed. He just had to hold her close and kiss her sweet and gentle. She had to know that she was perfect to him.

His hand reached between her legs. She was so wet. His calloused thumb grazed over a velvety bud, and she let out a gasp. She broke the kiss and her head fell back against the pillows. Levi bit his tongue. The look on her face, her closed eyes, her bitten lips, her heaving chest while he circled his thumb around her sensitive clit. He was doing it right so far. He reached further down, finding her sweet entrance, gathering her slick and sticking shallowly a finger in. Her back arched.

“Please, Levi…” She whined and cupped his face bringing his forehead against her own. “…I want you,”

He pecked her lips. “Are you sure?”

She giggled. He was repeating himself. He didn’t try to hide just how insecure he was, and that was just like she wanted it to be. She didn’t want him to hide from her. “Yes, yes, I’m one hundred percent sure,” She teased with a wide, soft smile on her face, and she let out a chuckle.

Levi examined her face once more, before he sat straight on his knees and unbuckled his belt. She watched, biting her lower lip. How dare this man perceive himself as ugly and undeserving of love? She couldn’t believe this man for thinking of himself so low. He was so smart. So handsome. Such a perfect soldier, and most of all, he was kind. He was gentle, and sweet, and level-headed, and deserved the world. She wanted to give him everything she had. Heck, she had given him her office and her room and the position of the Captain in the exchange of being his Lieutenant, and she’d do it all over again. He deserved it. He deserved it all.

And when he kicked his pants off and crawled back on top of her, she parted her legs around his waist. His hard cock found her lower belly and she bit her lip just a little harsher. Her hand found his chest, his toned belly. Even skinny, she didn’t mind it one bit. She never really cared about looks. He was precious.

“M- May I?” She asked. Her eyes met his own and he nodded. She took him in her hand, and he buried his face in her neck. He bit his tongue, trying to keep himself quiet as she gently stroked him. Drops of precum dripped from the tip and she smeared it across his length. He was big, and veiny and delicious. She guided him to her slick entrance and cupped his face with one hand, bringing his face up to face her. He pressed his forehead atop her own and their eyes met. “Please,”

He kissed her. Please. This precious woman, pleading him to take her. Goodness, he loved her, but he had yet to gather enough courage to say it again. His precious Nathalie. He kissed her once more. And then, he pulled back to let her breathe. She buried her face on the crook of his neck and he pressed a kiss on her temple.

“Hold onto me,” Levi instructed softly in her ear, and she nodded, wrapping her arms around his shoulders, and snuggling closer to him.

Levi slipped in, slow and careful. The last thing he wanted was cause her any kind of pain. And when he reached further in, she let out a strangled sob and his eyes widened. He pulled back to look at her. His forehead met her own and a hand reached immediately for her cheeks, wiping those tears that slipped right down.

“Nat, I-”

“I’m alright, I’m alright, just… give me a moment,” She reassured him even though he wasn’t so reassured. He felt guilt and worry and maybe there was something wrong, and he was the one causing her pain and- “Closer,” She whispered only after a short while and snapped him out of his worrisome thoughts. She cupped his face, and kissed his chin, his cheeks, his lips. “My beloved Levi,”

He caught her lips in his own and he finally bottomed out. A soft gasp escaped her throat, but he swallowed it away. “My sweet Nathalie,” He mumbled against her lips. “My baby,”

“I love you,” she said in a gentle whisper.

“I love you too,” Levi stroked her cheek with his thumb as he looked down at her for a moment. So precious to him. He buried his face in her neck and he started pressing kisses and licks and nips.

He pulled out and thrust back in slowly, gently, carefully. He held her tight as he moved in and out of her. The pain melted away, and all she could feel was him. Their bodies, finally joined and close, and his lips, tracing her neck, her warm skin. Her lips parted when he met a specific spot. She shuddered. Pleasure washed over her unlike anything she had ever before. Levi groaned in her neck when she tightened around him. She was so tight, so wet, swallowing him in greedily with every thrust he made into her body, still slow and careful not to hurt her in any way. But she felt amazing. He felt drunk on it, on her. Her sweet cunt that squeezed him so tightly when he hit a specific spot inside of her.

“Harder, please,” She purred in his ear. He shuddered. She wrapped her legs around his waist and both his arms pressed around her on the mattress.

He picked up the pace, just as she had asked. He buried his face in her neck and her head landed down on the pillow. Another gasp escaped when he took her a little harder. Hitting on that spot over and over. Her hips, meeting his own. An unfamiliar tightness started coiling in her stomach. She was getting close. Her lips parted and she let out gasp of his name. Her body tensed and she whimpered. Levi let out a groan as she tightened around him. The lewd sound of him slipping in and out of her. It felt so good. So good. Levi caught her lips and kissed her hard when they both came.

Levi pulled out of her just in time, stroking himself till he came all over her belly. Thick, warm ropes of cum landed across her skin and she was still shaking from her orgasm. Both breathing hard, and he buried his face in her shoulder trying to catch his breath. Her gentle fingers found his face, stroking his cheek. She planted a breathless kiss on his temple and another one further down his cheek, and another. Her fingers found their way within his hair, stroking gently.

“My Nathalie… mine,” He pressed his forehead against her own. Their eyes met.

“Yours,” She pecked his lips and almost a smile curled at the corners.

Chapter 16: The Price of Knowledge

Notes:

UNEDITED!

“Rurik Dietrichson, accused of five murders and six assaults on below fifteen-year-old children,” Moblit read down on the papers that Erwin had handed him, and he cringed mentally.

“Erwin found quite the scum for our experiment,” Hange snickered rubbing her hands together impatiently.

“At least now I don’t have much guilt after knowing I’ll be turning that man into a titan indefinitely… possibly,” Nathalie held tightly the small suitcase in her fingers as the three of them walked towards the Survey Corps training grounds. She really hoped this was going to work. The titan spinal fluid should be able to turn him into a titan.

“Let’s go through the experiment again,” Moblit snapped closed the black leather folder that he had been holding. “I slice his neck, we wait five minutes till he’s on the brink of death, and then Nat injects him with the TSF,” He repeated.

“Exactly. According to our theories, TSF will heal all injuries and bring him back to life, and it will turn him into a titan,” Nathalie said.

“I got my babies ready to restrain the titan,” Hange snickered excitedly. A new invention of hers, designed just for titans to keep them restrained. She was about to get a titan test subject. This was the moment that she had been waiting for her entire life.

“Just make sure to jump away the moment I inject him with the liquid,” Nathalie reminded her. She knew how reckless Hange could be. She didn’t care about her wellbeing especially when it came to discoveries and science and Nathalie greatly related to that.

“You know she won’t,” Moblit rolled his eyes. “I’ll carry her out of the way, no worries,”

“DON’T YOU DARE! I WANNA SEE HOW HE TURNS!”

“Relax, I’ll just have to… get a few more information from my ancestors,” Nathalie sighed heavily.

“Yeah, which will result in you worsening the state of your health which as a Section Commander, I do not approve,” Hange frowned.

“I could be a Section Commander too, you know,”

“But you chose not to be though,”

Nathalie sighed heavily. Exactly, she had tossed it away. She didn’t care about climbing the ranks. All she cared about was her research even though it was killing her. But if today’s experiment was successful, she’d make another step closer to creating a cure for herself. She could figure this out, she knew she could. She knew the TSF could turn an Eldian into a titan, but what about a normal human?

Wait, what are Eldians? Is there a difference between Eldians and normal humans? Nathalie stopped walking and she realised Hange and Moblit had moved far ahead. But she didn’t care too much about it.

“Eldians got 12,54 Gbp of genome though Humans got 6,27 Gbp. Half of the Eldian genes are deactivated and only activated with the TSF protein comes in contact and thus they turn into titans, right?”

“Right,”

“But what if I figure something out about those titan genes and I find out a way to… dispense them. Wouldn’t that turn an Eldian into a normal human?”

“It would. But how are you supposed to make that research on Paradis? Our sources tell us that those people are stuck in the Middle Ages, Johannes,”

“Somebody has to do something,”

Johannes. Her father. She never met either of her parents, but they had signed their names on that letter. The only thing they had ever left back to her. So… this was the mission that her father and her mother talked about in that letter. You’ll complete that mission for us if we fail. So that’s why she was here. She was here to save the Eldian race. Because if she figured out how to eradicate the existence of titans without killing the Eldians, then the world would have no reason to destroy Paradis.

“Nat?” Hange’s voice came and snapped her out of it. She seemed to catch on whatever was going on in Nathalie’s mind right now. “It’s happening again? The voices,”

Nathalie nodded. “I… I’ve got so many things to tell you and-” She stopped talking when she felt something warm slipping out of her nostrils and landing on her shirt, making a terrible, crimson mess of the white fabric. Nathalie pulled out her handkerchief right away and she brought it to her nose.

Moblit and Hange hurried beside her. Hange placed an arm on her shoulder. “Hey, are you okay?”

“Oi! What’s wrong with her?!” Levi had a far distance between them, but once he noticed another bloody handkerchief pressed on her face and her familiar, heart-wrenching coughs reaching his ears, he hurried to her side.

He knew it was happening again. The number of nights that he’d find her in the lab, having passed out on the desk. Hands and lips and handkerchiefs, and even the pages of her notebooks drenched in her blood. But he was always there to take her to bed and clean her up and she’d tell him she loved him, and he’d say it back. There had been a couple of months since the Winter Break. They had spent each second together. Her distance between her and Erwin, ever-growing.

“I got you,” Levi wrapped an arm around her, supporting her posture and pressing her against him. She coughed a couple more times and she wiped the blood off her mouth with her handkerchief.

“I’m alright… I’m okay,” Nathalie reassured him. Her voice, slightly hoarse. She tucked her handkerchief back in her pocket. Levi brought her to nuzzle in his neck and catch her breath. He looked at Hange and Moblit who both looked worried.

“Should we reschedule the experiment, then?” Hange offered.

“No! No, it’s alright,” Nathalie pulled back and looked down at the blood that had stained her white shirt. She brought her green, survey corps cloak on top, to hide it. “The sooner I figure this out, the sooner I get a cure for this,”

Hange sighed and nodded. “Alright, c’mon!”

Hange and Moblit walked ahead whilst Levi and Nathalie followed from behind. Her hand reached for his own and she laced their fingers together. Levi looked at her for a moment. A small smile spread on his lips. He let go of her hand and wrapped his arm around her waist instead bringing her closer. She let out a sweet giggle and gave him a smile.

“Thank you,” Nathalie said.

He frowned. “Don’t thank me, brat,”

He was wearing his ODM gear. He was there to make sure that the situation didn’t go out of hand. If they really turned this man into a titan and they failed to restrain it, then he would be there to kill it and protect them. But most of all, he’d be there to pull Nathalie to safety. He did not expect her to fight in this shape. She was barely standing, and her face was pale. Her hand was cold in his own. Sometimes, he was genuinely worried for her health.

The man was tied down on a chair in the middle of the training grounds. He was quiet for now. He had already been sentenced to death, so turning him into a titan was almost merciful. Nathalie placed the suitcase on a nearby wooden desk that always laid around in the training grounds, and she opened it. Nathalie handed the bottle with the TSF to Hange. It was warm to the touch. Nathalie had made sure to keep it warm. She had no idea why it had to stay that way, but it kept it at a perfect state.

Nathalie pulled out the syringe and the needle, attaching it to it and loading the liquid. Hange seemed way to excited. Nathalie grinned as she offered her the syringe that was now full and ready.

“How about you do the honours?”

Hange practically jumped in place. “BY THE WALLS, YOU’RE REALLY OFFERING IT TO ME?!”

Nathalie laughed. “Of course! C’mon!”

Hange snatched the syringe from her hands, and she so excitedly reached the specimen. Moblit was behind him with a knife in his hands. He was either going to regret doing what he was about to do for his entire life, or he was about to be a part of the most important experiment in Titan Science.

“Right, Moblit,” Hange nodded.

“U- Uh, right…” Moblit hesitated. He had vouched not to hurt people when he got his degree. How the hell was he supposed to do that now, no matter how big of a criminal the other man was.

Levi sighed. Of all people, he knew how hard the first time of taking a human life could be. But for him, it had become too easy in the Underground. In that wretched place where he grew up in. The things he had done were unspeakable.

“I’ll do it,” Levi approached him and gratitude flashed in Moblit’s eyes right away. He offered Levi the dagger and Levi took it. He walked behind the man seated on the chair and grabbed his chin, bringing his head up before he swiftly sliced his throat at a perfect spot. The arteries and veins beneath shot out warm blood and it streamed out like a crimson waterfall.

It was almost terrifying to see how easy he had done it, with a stone cold look on his face. This gentle man who had stood by her side all those months. Who would hold her in the nights, and kiss her, and cup her face so gently. Who would touch her with feathery touches. Those same hands had taken so many lives and he had painted them in blood so many times. And he hadn’t told her everything about the things that he had seen and done in the Underground. If she knew, she’d look at him differently, and that thought terrified him.

Nathalie noted to herself to talk to him about this sometime today or tomorrow. She had to make it clear that she didn’t care about his shady past whatever that was. He had refused to talk to her about it, and it was alright. He didn’t owe her an explanation. He didn’t owe her anything, and she had to make that clear. No matter what he had done, she would always love him, and nothing could change that. But for now, she just watched him as he wiped the blood off his hands with a handkerchief.

“Alright! I say we wait two minutes instead of five,” Hange drew her attention as she pulled out her pocket watch and stared at it. “Levi’s cut was exactly atop the carotid so we should probably rush this if we don’t want him to die,”

Nathalie nodded. “Okay,”

Exactly atop the carotid. Just how many people had Levi killed this way? She could tell he was avoiding her eyes and she bit her lip. She needed to talk to him and reassure him the second they’d be done with this experiment.

“Alright! Moment of truth,” Hange pulled away her pocket watch and she approached the bleeding back. She injected him with the titan spinal fluid that she had in the syringe and it almost happened simultaneously.

Soldiers were around, handling Hange’s contraptions, ready to trap the titan beneath them. Yellow lightning shot through the air, and Hange fell back on the floor, a look of enchantment on her face. But Moblit was right there to wrap an arm around her and pull her out of the way as a titan came to creation. Nathalie’s theories were right after all. Titan Spinal Fluid was the key to all this, and the origin of titans was humanity itself.

And that was a huge step that the Survey Corps had made. A step that they were going to keep classified until Erwin felt like it. Everybody trusted Erwin. Everything he ever ordered them to do was absolutely logical – even when it lacked ethical stands.

Levi was beside Nathalie in a blink of an eye. He wrapped an arm around her and pulled her out of the way before the titan hand could grab her and shove her into its mouth. The soldiers released the nets, confining the titan beneath, and Hange almost started screaming in excitement. Nathalie too. She smiled and let out a soft laugh. It had worked. Everything those memories told her it was right. She couldn’t help it.

Nathalie caught Levi’s face and crushed her lips atop his own. Levi tensed up momentarily, but immediately relaxed in her hold and wrapped his arms around her. He could fell how excited she was. How happy and delirious to find out the truth about the origin of titans. She kissed him hard. It almost knocked his breath away. Levi loved every second of it.

Erwin and Miche hurried their way. Smiles on their faces as they stared at the huge creature that had been successfully restrained in place. Miche chuckled and ran a hand through his hair.

“I’ll be damned,” He said shaking his head.

Nathalie let go of Levi and she giggled against his lips before she rushed towards Erwin and fell in his arms. She always used to do that when she was happy. And Erwin would lift her up and spin her around so easily. Her small body against his own. He could hardly focus on the titan when she caught him like that. She laughed in the crook of his neck and he finally let her gently back down on the ground.

“It worked!” Nathalie cried out as she giggled again and Miche pulled her into a side-hug.

“I never doubted you, Nat,” Miche chuckled.

“So… titans had been humans all along,” Erwin said, fascinated. A smile on his face, finally making another step closer to the truth.

“I don’t think it’s time for celebration, Erwin,” Miche placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “It only means that we have been killing people all this time,”

Nathalie sighed heavily at the realisation. “Still, killing them is merciful. Their other choice was to spend an eternity searching for a titan-shifting human to consume…” Nathalie stopped herself when she realised… how the hell did I know that?

Erwin’s eyes widened. “Can you… repeat that, Nathalie?”

Nathalie pulled out her notebook and a pencil and she started scribbling down right away. “It makes perfect sense,” She headed over the desk placed down her notebook and started writing. “The seven titan-shifters. If a titan consumes one of them, it may turn back into a human, but the process of transforming to a titan and back into human takes a huge toll on the body so whoever’s a titan shifter they die in thirteen years after they have inherited the titan… and inheriting a titan also means inheriting the memories of the previous titan-shifters, because by consuming the titan spinal fluid they get the-”

Nathalie dropped on the ground before she had the chance to write anything further. Blood ran out of her nostrils and her eyes closed. Her body laid limply on the soil as her muscles spasmed to an almost erratic pace. It was terrifying to look at because they knew that that symptom was new and serious.

Erwin knelt down beside her right away. He pulled her body in his lap, wrapping his arms around her, trying to stop the sudden movements and jerks that her body made unconsciously. He had no idea what was wrong with her – probably another unwanted side-effect of her getting all this knowledge – but all he knew now was that he was scared. He was terrified. She was shaking in his arms, and she was unconscious. And he tried to stop her movements by holding her tight. He tried to do the only thing that he could understand, and help her, but it wouldn’t work. He had no understanding of whatever she was going through, and he could not help her. And he knew it was his fault that she was endangering her life like this. That she was trying to learn more, and more, and hand him all the information that he had been seeking his entire life on a silver platter – at the expense of her life. Everything for him – her life as well.

“No, no, no, no, please, Nat,” Erwin buried his nose in her hair and shut his eyes because he couldn’t watch her being like this.

He had watched friends and comrades die and be devoured by titans, but Nathalie being like this was by far the worst – most terrifying sight he’d ever laid eyes on. And the worst of all was that he couldn’t help her. And Miche, and Moblit, Levi, and all other soldiers were around talking to him, but he couldn’t hear a word. Hange was still too much absorbed in her titan test subject. She hadn’t noticed a single thing happening. She hadn’t noticed that Erwin – that strong man with the stone-cold heart – the Commander of the cruellest regiment of them all – he was breaking down to the sharpest edges of despair.

He could protect her. He could protect her from anything. He could protect her from titans, he could protect her from anyone that would ever come for her. It could be entire armies and kingdoms and a million enemies and Erwin would come up with a brilliant plan to keep her safe from whatever threat would come to her. But this? This disease – Erwin had no idea how to battle. He had no idea how to protect her from it, and it drove him insane. He never meant for her to risk her life for his. Yet she did, and it was his fault. It was his fault for bringing her into this mess in the first place. If anything happened to her, and he hadn’t yet gotten the chance to tell her that he… no, he would get that chance. He’d get it.

So, Erwin ignored everyone – he ignored Levi who was screaming at him to let him hold her and carry her to the infirmary – to steal her from him, he ignored Miche and Nanaba and Moblit who were trying to reason with him to snap out of it – she needed no infirmary, she needed a doctor who knew what was happening. Erwin gritted his teeth, and he shouted the name of the only doctor who could help.

“Hange!”

Chapter 17: Confession

Notes:

FINALLY the chapter you've all been waiting for, sorry for waiting too long BUT IM STILL GONNA RUIN THE SHIP LMFAO MUAHAHAHANDJFJGBFK

pls ignore me

THANKS FOR READING AND STILL BEING HERE PLS COMMENT

UNEDITED!!!!

She could tell she was on a bed. The pillows were comfortably set beneath her head, and the mattress was soft beneath her. Nathalie opened her eyes, allowing the morning sunlight in. She blinked a few times, trying to adjust to the light. She almost felt like he had been stepped on by a carriage. She let out a wince and her hand reached for her head, burying her fingers in her hair and rubbing her forehead. What the hell happened? All she knew was that they had just finished a successful experiment and that she was coming up with such important information that she was writing down and then nothing. Absolutely nothing. What happened?

“Nathalie,”

A familiar, strong voice came, and she pulled her hand away and looked up. Her vision, blurry, but it cleared out after a few times that she blinked. It was Erwin. He was sitting on a chair, beside her bed. But he stood up, and settled by the edge of her bed, closer to her. His hand reached for her own. His fingers were rough, but warm, and his palm could wrap around her wrist twice. His large thumb pressed down on the pulse beneath her wrist, and he let out a sigh of relief when he spotted a rhythmic beat beneath her skin. Admittedly, he had done the same thing so many times the previous night. He seemed tired. He always seemed tired to her. She was the only one who could tell what he was feeling or going through.

He was in a white shirt. Probably the same shirt he had put on yesterday morning before the experiment. He hadn’t gotten the chance to change. He spent twenty-four hours by her side. There was a small table beside her and three piles of paperwork were set there with a lamp, a pen, and a pot of ink. Did Erwin move his workplace here? He brought his paperwork and a lamp and a chair. He worked on that small desk to be there for her. How long was I out?

“Half of them are Levi’s…” Erwin noticed she had been staring at the paperwork that stood on the small, wooden desk beside her. “…the other half is mine,” He chuckled. “He’s quite the stubborn man,”

He couldn’t help remembering of all the fights he and Levi had on who was going to spend more time beside her. It was almost ridiculous to think about it. In the end, they just both stood there, and made themselves comfortable on the small desk. Now Levi was off to train some young recruits, finally giving Erwin some peace to be with her.

Nathalie chuckled. She couldn’t believe Erwin would move his work here. He couldn’t be with her because of the paperwork, but what if he brought the paperwork to her? She smiled at him tiredly.

“You didn’t have to… move here,” Her hand reached for his own and he took her hand in his, and she allowed her fingers to sink in his huge palm.

“I’m afraid I had to,” Erwin grinned. “Last time I wasn’t there for you, you wouldn’t talk to me for months,”

She let out a soft laugh. It was after the Expedition where her entire squad was wiped and almost, she herself died, and spent a week in a hospital and he’d have no time to visit her. She had almost resigned from the Scouts that day. Her pettiness knew no end.

“Mm, ‘m sorry about that,” Nathalie closed her eyes as a wave of exhaustion washed over her and she nuzzled her nose in her pillow.

“Are you tired?” Erwin asked worriedly. His fingers slightly tightened around her own.

“I’m exhausted somehow,” Nathalie looked at him with half-lidded eyes. “What happened to me?”

Erwin bit the inside of his cheek. “You had three seizures,”

Her eyes widened. “Three?! In a day?!” Oh shit. This would explain the spasms for which she was strangely conscious about. “I’m going to make me epileptic if I keep this up,”

“This is exactly why you won’t keep this up,” Erwin said. “I know you can figure out more than the truth. More than what we need to know what we’re up against, but I don’t want that knowledge if it is at the expense of you,” He laced their fingers together. “Is that understood?”

She gave him a soft smile. He cared about her. The mere fact that he had brought the paperwork to do it here – beside her, was enough evidence that he cared. She had followed all of his orders so far, but she could not follow this one.

“My darling Erwin, I cannot do that,” She traced the back of his palm with her thumb. “This knowledge that comes to me… I cannot control it,” Erwin sighed heavily. He couldn’t believe he had forgotten about that. He buried his face in his one hand and ran his fingers through his messy golden hair. “But I will find me a cure. You won’t lose me,”

“It almost felt like I did,”

“You won’t,” Nathalie insisted. She gave his hand a gentle squeeze. “Trust me,”

“You know I do,”

She smiled at him, and she closed her eyes again. “Good,”

Her hand went limp in his own again as she took a deep breath and relaxed, burying her face in her pillow. She was gorgeous, right there, her short, messy brown hair, a mess on her pillow. Her small body hidden beneath the white blanket, and a small, ever-closing smile on her lips. She was slowly drifting off to sleep. And he could watch her forever, because she was beautiful, and fragile, and precious to him, he would do anything for her. He wanted to lie beside her and pull her in his arms. He wanted to hold her.

No. He had things to do, and she wouldn’t want him. She’d want Levi.

Levi walked in almost hastily and she opened her eyes and turned her body to greet him. A smile spread across her lips as he sat by the other side on the edge of her bed, and he took her hand in his own. He cupped her cheek.

“How are you feeling?” Levi asked worriedly and she just gave him a smile.

“I’m alright, my darling Levi,” She cupped his cheek. “Just a little tired,” She tugged on his hand. “Will you lie down with me?”

“Of course,”

He brought her hand to his lips, pressing a kiss on her palm and she giggled before he lied beside her. Levi kicked off his shoes. He wrapped his arms around her and brought her close to him as she buried her face in his neck. Her arms found his chest and she closed her eyes, nesting right there into him. A smile on her face. And it felt like a stab to Erwin’s heart because he snapped his eyes away from them and turned his back on them and started gathering his paperwork. He was going to get back to his office and just drown in his work and his plans because she no longer needed him. She already had the man she wanted, right there, by her side, holding her just like she wanted.

She didn’t want him. She didn’t want Erwin. She never would. Even though, he wanted to be in Levi’s place right now. He wanted it so much it almost felt like it was tearing him inside out just the thought of how much jealous he was of Levi right now.

No. He had to leave. He had things to do. He shouldn’t be thinking about any of this. It was a waste of time. He didn’t hold a chance against Levi. She would never clutch onto him as much as she did with Levi right now no matter how many nights he’d spend beside her, looking after her, worrying for her. That was Levi’s role, it wasn’t his. And he hated it.

“I’ll leave you two then,”

Erwin walked out of the room with his pile of papers in his arms and he was certain they hadn’t even noticed him leaving. And why would they? Nathalie was probably already asleep in the arms of the man that she loved. And that man could never be him. And he hated that because he didn’t stand a chance. But they were obviously so easy on ignoring him, so Erwin stood outside the cracked door a little longer than he planned to. Levi’s back was turned on the door, Nathalie nesting in his arms, her small body completely covered behind the man.

“You’re sure you’re okay?” Levi asked worriedly.

She gave him a soft smile. “I’m alright, my love,” She grinned weakly. “I only hope you were the one to undress me,” She might had been weak, but she did notice one of her gowns enclosing her body instead of her Survey Corps uniform. It would explain why she was so comfortable.

“It was the nurses… sadly,” Levi let out a soft chuckle as he pressed a kiss to her forehead and held her tight. “But I did bring you your favourite gown,”

“My darling Levi,” She smiled in his neck and her arm found his hair, burying her fingers into them and scratching gently beneath his smooth undercut.

Levi let out a sigh and his shoulders instantly relaxed beneath her touch. He couldn’t help it – he buried his face in her shoulder, breathing her in, taking in all the comfort her mere presence brought him. Her body against his own, her scent, her fingertips on his scalp. His sweet Nathalie. His sweet girl. She wanted to thank him for being there. Just being there to hold her. To worry for her. To talk to her and ask her whether she was alright. Just be there. That was all she asked from someone. And that’s why Levi was just perfect. Erwin would never.

But why was she still comparing Levi to Erwin? Why was she even thinking of Erwin right now? Right now, that Levi was holding her – her sweet Levi that she adored. No. Nathalie shut her eyes a little tighter, scolding herself mentally. Erwin and I are incompatible. And maybe it was true. She just clutched onto Levi a little tighter. She had to focus on Levi.

“My mother,” Levi spoke warmly against her ear – sorrow in his low voice. “She died from a… blood-spitting disease,” He pulled back to look at her and he cupped her tender cheek, running his thumb across the white flesh. His eyes met her own – terror in them. “I don’t want the same happening to you,” It would drive him insane if she died as well. He had lost everyone. She was the only one left. Just the thought of it – just the sight of her as she coughed out blood and tissue and passed out and had those seizures – just the sight of this all terrified him more than anything he had been through before.

He was strong. He had always been – unnaturally so. He was capable of fighting expertly and killing and he’d face his enemies and he was never scared whatever that enemy was because he could fight it and protect himself. But now, it was one of those times that he wasn’t fighting for himself. He was fighting for someone else – her. And he had already failed to protect the people he cared about. All of them. Not her.

He shook his head. “Not you… not again,”

She kissed him and he tasted the blood on her tongue. An information – a part of his story that he hadn’t told her about his mother. Probably incredibly dear to him so long ago. Another dear person of his that was gone. Not you, not again. He couldn’t go through this again. Even though he tasted the iron taste of blood on her lips, he kissed her back, and he kissed her gentle and sweet. Her taste was still there – exquisite as ever. He’d never tire of it – that’s why he was so terrified that he might lose it one day – lose her.

“You will not lose me,” She pulled back. Tired, half-lidded blue eyes met his own as she touched his wet bottom lip with her tender thumb. She grinned. “Don’t you know that it’s… impossible to get rid of me?”

A small smile spread to the corners of his lips – almost invisible even to the small distance between them. He pressed a kiss on her forehead. His hand reached back and cupped the back of her head, her hair, urging her to bury her face back in his neck and she eagerly did. She closed her eyes and let out a sigh. “Sleep, Nat,” His breath brushed warm against her ear and she hummed and nodded, and he buried his nose in her hair and closed his eyes.

And Erwin had watched and heard the entire conversation. He closed the door quietly and pressed his back against the wall aside. A pile of papers still in his arms, but not heavy enough to distract him from his thoughts. He had seen how Levi treated her. So gentle and worried for her. My mother died from a blood-spitting disease. Not you, not again. Erwin didn’t know the whole story, but it looked like she did. It looked like he had opened up to her. How the hell was Erwin supposed to ruin that? He wanted to. He wanted to grab her and kiss her in some office, in some hallway, in the Mess Hall, in her sweet labs where she spent most of her time in. He was hungering for her, and deep down he knew it wasn’t just lust. He loved this woman.

But she loved another man.

༻◊۞◊༺

Two Months Later

“So, according to my assumptions, the titan spinal fluid of normal or abnormal titans has only two proteins. One is the one that heals wounds instantly, and the other is the one that turns people into titans…” Nathalie made her new report to her Commander, who didn’t seem to be paying any attention to her.

Erwin was still writing down on his paperwork, his attention completely consumed by it. He had been distant lately. For the past couple of months, he wouldn’t even call her in his office. Not even when she had important scientific reports like this to make. She wouldn’t find him in the Mess Hall. She wouldn’t find him in his office when she’d look for him. He wasn’t present in their experiments. It was like he didn’t want to see her. He didn’t want to be in the same room with her. Indeed, he had done everything in his power to avoid that. Her and Levi were happy together and he couldn’t ruin that no matter how much he wanted to. He wanted Nathalie to be his but, alas, he couldn’t have that. He couldn’t have her. And maybe, if they ended up in the same room together for more than a little while, he was going to burst and do something he’d regret. But he couldn’t stall it anymore. Nathalie showed up unannounced because otherwise he’d make sure he wouldn’t be there.

Still, she tried to pretend she was oblivious to that all. This was all important information that she couldn’t keep from the very Commander of her Regiment. Whatever it was that he was having in mind that made him act like a jerk, he’d have to tell her sooner or later.

“So, I was thinking that if I figure out a way to separate those two proteins, I could come up with a serum that heals all wounds. It could be my cure and the key to minimising the deaths on our Expeditions-”

“Excellent, keep working on that,” Erwin said, not once looking up at her. Just how precious was his attention that she didn’t deserve it? Nathalie scoffed and crossed her arms against her chest. He clearly didn’t care about dropping the deaths to a minimal. He clearly didn’t care about her wellbeing and her disease or about anything that she had just told him. He had something else in mind, and what the hell could that be that was of greater importance than all of these?

“Alright, spill it, what is it?” Nathalie asked – seemingly pissed. He wouldn’t tell her? She’d make him.

And finally, he looked up at her, confused, but deep down he knew this conversation was going to go somewhere that he didn’t want it to. Somewhere that he had been trying to avoid for so long.

“Excuse me?” Erwin asked, acting oblivious so well.

“Oh, don’t give me that shit, Erwin, you know what I’m talking about,” Nathalie frowned, and he sighed and looked away from her again.

He tried to focus on his paperwork. Sure, he had known her for so long and he knew her so well, but sometimes he forgot that she knew him better than anyone as well. He couldn’t hide anything from that woman. She was brilliant.

“You’re distant. I try to come and talk to you but you’re never there. And today you’re only here because I had Hange fooling you that I took the day off, like… what is wrong with you? Why don’t you want me to be here with you?” She almost sounded hurt. And she was. Erwin was her friend. Why did he push her away? Why did he always push everyone away? She thought she was always going to be his one and only constant. Maybe she was wrong.

“You’re not here with me, you’re here with Levi,” Erwin finally burst, and she realised she had nothing to say to that. “You joined the Scouts for me. You chose to leave for yourself, and then you came back for him,” Erwin stood up and walked around his desk to approach her. “You put the man you love above your needs, and it used to be me, but now it’s not, it’s him!”

She scoffed. “Of course, it’s him! He’s there for me!”

“I’m there for you too!”

“You’re not!”

Nathalie couldn’t believe they were actually having this conversation. He was jealous of Levi? He was jealous because he loved her? He did? Erwin… Erwin wanted her? No. No way. She was probably imagining this. This wasn’t happening. He couldn’t have wanted her. Erwin the man that she… she didn’t know what she was feeling anymore. No. It’s Levi. He’s the one. She kept telling herself that. And maybe he was the one. He’s there for me. And she was there for him. With Erwin, it was only she, putting the effort, and that was why it wasn’t going to work. But she was baffled because… he wanted her?

“So, you’re jealous… of Levi?” Nathalie asked confusedly. She had to make sure. She had to make sure that she wasn’t imagining this. That Erwin wanted her, and it wasn’t all just a dream – a trick of her desperate imagination.

“Of course, I’m jealous,” Erwin buried his face in his hands and rubbed his aching forehead.

He had known it would come to this. In the end, it was going to be him the one to tell her he loved her, and it was she who wouldn’t return the feeling. He might have been a brilliant, handsome Commander, and he could have had every woman he wanted – but he couldn’t have her. He had her, and he had let her go. He was an utter idiot.  

“He’s got you, Nathalie. He’s got you in ways I can never hope to have you. And I had you. I had you, but now you’re gone, and it was me who let you go, and it frustrates me. It frustrates me so much it keeps me fucking awake – I can’t come up with a decent plan – a decent strategy – I can’t do anything when I know that you’re not beside me. It drives me insane when I know that you’re not mine,”

Nathalie stood frozen, eyes wide and heart beating so fast. She couldn’t have heard him correctly, could she? He couldn’t have just told her all this. I can’t do anything when I know that you’re not beside me. It drives me insane when I know that you’re not mine. She never knew. She never even considered the possibilities of him wanting her so much. This perfect man who could have every other woman he wanted – why her? There was nothing special about her, and Nathalie made sure to keep reminding herself of that.

She wasn’t… beautiful. She was skinny and ugly and a fucking nerd that preferred books over people. She didn’t have experience with this. And Levi didn’t either, they had learned everything together. And what was she supposed to do? Was she supposed to give in to her feelings for Erwin that had always been there? Was she supposed to leave Levi? No. No, she would never do that to him. She loved Levi, but Erwin… Erwin had always been this one stupid, huge crush that she had been having her entire life, and it just wouldn’t leave her be. But for a mere crush to last this long, she had always known it was more than just a crush.

It was more than just childhood nonsense. She loved him. She had always known, but she couldn’t give into this. She couldn’t surrender to her lust for Erwin while she already belonged to another man. A man who loved her with everything he had – he didn’t know what love was till he met her. And she didn’t know what it was till she met him. They had taught each other everything they needed to know.

What was she supposed to do now? Erwin. The man she had spent so many nights awake for. And as she stood there, shocked, and wide-eyed staring at him and trying to figure out what to do – Erwin wanted to bang his head against some wall. He wanted to ask her to leave. He wanted to stay alone for a while. He wanted to sit down and think of what to do. What to say to fix this. How much he should keep his distance from her now.

But if this was going to be his last ever chance to be with her in the same room – it was do or die. He was either going to kiss her right now, or never. He had to kiss her before she parted those perfect, plush lips and started saying anything. Before she got the chance to tell him she couldn’t love him the same. He had to do it now, the first, and last chance he’d ever get.

Erwin wrapped his arms around her and dragged her close and fast and sudden. He could not control the urge – the need. He needed to taste those pink lips. He needed her body pressed against his own. And he did just that. He did not question his actions. He did not regret them when his lips crashed against her own in wild, pure desire. And she tasted so sweet. And her lips were parted for him, and soft and plush and pink and plump and just perfect. She tasted far better than he could ever hope to imagine. Far better than he had imagined in his dreams – his midnight fantasies.

She kissed him back. She couldn’t help it. She stood on her tiptoes to reach for him – this huge man that had to lean down to catch her mouth in his own. Their first ever kiss and it was all lust. He kissed her so hard, his tongue, exploring her mouth, every crevice, every part of her, gathering her taste and trying to commit it to memory. His arms, so tight around her. His fingers dug in her shirt, her skin, definitely leaving bruises and shivers in their wake, but she didn’t care. She could learn to love pain if it came from him. He was making a mess of her clothes, and she was making a mess of his hair. Her fingers buried into them and tugged him further down to her. Closer. She needed him closer. His tongue met the back of her throat. She gasped in his mouth, and it only made him more feral. He was going to suffocate her with himself, and she was going to love every second of it.

He picked her up. He did it so easily. His arms, tight around her and her feet, dangling, no longer touching the wooden floor. Her arms around his shoulders, in his hair, in his shirt, touching the shifting muscles beneath. Her fingers were cold, but tender on his skin and he shivered and only kissed her harder. She was finally on the same height as his, as he held her up against him. A small body against his own, and large, strong arms around her, caging her in.

She had no idea what was happening. She was still convinced that she was imagining this. But he brought her out of her trance when he slammed her against the wall. He knocked the breath out of her, and he didn’t care whether she had enough oxygen or not. He kissed her again. His tongue, digging its way back into her sweet mouth, and his arms tightened around her impossibly. She wrapped her legs around his waist. Her legs, not big enough to enclose around him and ankles, unable to meet at the small of his back. But it didn’t matter, he had her – trapped between him and the cold concrete wall behind her back. He let go of her lips and slipped down her chin, her neck, her chest. He kissed and trapped her sweet white skin between his lips. He suckled down gently, and she panted hard. He found a tender spot on her neck and sucked on it. She whimpered and trembled against him.

She was so gorgeous right there – trapped, and whimpering, and trembling beneath his touch, his kisses. Her wet lips parted, and head, thrown back against the wall. Her chest heaving up and down in sync with her heavy breaths. Their bodies, so close, he could feel the heat between her legs meeting his crotch. His pants, so tight around his length, he wanted to take her right here and now. He wanted to hear her scream his name. He wanted to fuck her against that very wall, and then take her to bed, and fuck her again, but slow and intimate this time. And then he’d fuck her again, and again till she was full oozing with his cum. Till her belly was swollen and her hole abused.

Fuck, he needed her. All those years of suppressing his desires – all of this frustration, he could take it all out on her in just one night.

But, no, she had more restraint that he had, turned out. “E- Erwin… please… stop,”

Her voice cracked and he stopped right away. He looked up only to meet her bright blue eyes full of tears. She immediately escaped the sweet trap of his body and she ran out of his office with a heart-wrenching sob and shutting his door behind. Erwin was still breathless, still needy, and insane for her.

But he knew he had just fucked up because he wasn’t going to be seeing her again.

Chapter 18: To Break a Heart

Notes:

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR COMMENTS, HERE YOU GOOOOO

It was just another shitty day in the Survey Corps. He had spent it training rookies and listening to their bullshit and trying to find the ideal members for his squad. Levi couldn’t wait to get back to their quarters and stay away from people in general. He knew Nathalie will already be there. She said she had to make a report to Erwin and that was going to be the last task of the day for her. Levi knew he’d find her in their quarters with the sweet smell of her tea – she had learned making it just how he liked it, his sweet girl. He knew he probably had piles of paperwork to take care of, but he didn’t mind it one bit. So long as she was there.

And it was almost surprising to find darkness in their quarters. It was late in the afternoon, night had fallen. The oil lamps were not lit and his hand reached for one that was on a furniture nearby with a pack of matches. He lit it bringing enough light as he walked in. She wasn’t there yet? She was supposed to be there by now. But the office seemed quiet.

He walked towards their bedroom and that’s when he heard her. Soft sobs coming from a figure sitting on the floor. A suitcase beside her, her legs gathered against her chest as she had wrapped her arms around them. She buried her face on her knees and wept against them. Levi felt his heart sinking in his stomach. He almost knew why she was crying. Why she was sobbing. It had finally happened, hadn’t it? Was that why she had gathered her stuff in her suitcase?

Levi knelt beside her and brought the lamp close. “Levi,” She mumbled as she pulled her face from her hands and wiped her cheeks with her fingers. She didn’t even want to face him, but it would be terrible of her if she didn’t look him in the eye and told him that he was right about her. He was right that she was indecisive and terrible, and she would abandon him the moment a man would make a move on her.

But it was so foolish of him to believe even for a second that she was his and that her heart belonged to him. He might have claimed her in the nights the way he had always wanted to claim his woman, but that was just carnal pleasure. He never touched her heart.

Or at least he thought so.

“I was ready… to tell you I love you with all my heart… but he just had to be there and ruin it, hadn’t he?” Nathalie pulled her hands from her face, and she looked at him with bright blue eyes full of tears and drenched cheeks, and a heart broken in two, because she was about to break the heart of the man that she genuinely loved. She was an idiot because it had taken such a long time to realise it. “He kissed me, Levi… you were right about me. You were right about everything. I kissed him back,” She wept and buried her face back in her hands. She didn’t want to look at him as she told him this. She didn’t want to see the look of his face as he’d look at her with disgust and resentment. And he’d have all the right to.

Levi didn’t say a word. He stood up and turned his back on her. He stepped in front of the window, staring blankly outside the dark streets. He didn’t really know what to say. He was… disappointed, but he wasn’t disappointed in her. He was disappointed in himself for allowing her to fool him that he stood a chance in claiming her heart. But maybe he didn’t stand a chance. Maybe he never did.

And now, she was going to leave. A double sized bed would be entirely his own. An entire closet, just for his few clothes. An office just for himself. He hated it. He had spent the past year with her. Each day, each second, he was by her side. He loved holding her in the nights. He loved it even more when she’d hold him. Or when she’d bring him tea every afternoon with a slice of her delicious cakes. Or when she’d teach him how to read and write. How sweet her lips tasted, and her body was always so warm when pressed upon his own. The nights they’d spend together, worshipping each other’s bodies. She was the first ever person to hold his heart.

And now she was leaving, and she was taking it with her.

“So, you’re leaving,” Levi said. He didn’t turn to look at her. He didn’t want to.

“Yeah… I’m so sorry…” She sniffled and stood up, picking her suitcase in one hand as well. “…I- I’ll move back to the dorms like a Lieutenant should. Y- You won’t ever have to deal with me-”

“You’re missing the entire fucking point!” Levi growled and finally turned to look at her. She flinched in place and took a step back. He had never talked to her like this. So harsh and angry and loud. Levi was a silent man. He barely talked, he barely ever got angry. But right now, he was angry. He was furious with her, and she had never seen him like this, and it terrified her. “You think you’re a burden to me? I want you here. I need you by side in the nights because otherwise I can’t fucking sleep. I want you here. I want to spend the afternoons together, the nights, the mornings,” He approached her, and caught her elbows, tugging her close. “I want you, Nat,” His eyes met her own.

“But… my beloved Levi… you deserve something better,” She cupped his cheek and ran her soft thumb across his skin. He closed his eyes and revelled in her tender touch. It was the last time somebody was touching him like this.

No. This wasn’t the last time. There wasn’t going to be a last time. He wasn’t going to allow it. “I don’t care what you think it is that I deserve,” Levi caught her hand that was on his cheek, and tugged on it, bringing her body flushed against his own. Nathalie let out a gasp as she forcefully made a step closer to him and his arms slipped around her. Her arm rested on his chest instead and his arms tightened and tightened around her. “I want you,” He spoke against her lips. His hand found her face and cupped her cheek and ran his thumb across her skin, her bottom lip. She was so perfect, he’d be damned if he let somebody take her from him. “You’re mine,”

His hand settled on her neck and her breath hitched halfway her throat. She didn’t know whether she had to be alarmed at the feeling of his fingers enclosing around her throat or ask him to choke her to death right this instant, because she had hurt him and she deserved it. And something about the danger in her eyes and the helplessness in her uneven breathing, was enough to drive him feral.

“You’re all mine,”

And then he caught a glimpse of a red hickey on her neck and there was no explaining how furious he got. He had marked her. Some other man had let his mark on his woman. And she had let him. Maybe his Nathalie wasn’t so perfect after all. Levi pulled his hand back, even though he wanted to choke her. But these were sick urges that he never indulged. Nathalie sucked in a breath and sighed in relief. He hadn’t harmed her. He never would. But he was mad, and he would never take his frustrations out on her.

“You want him? Go,” Levi turned around and headed for the mirror, tugging the ascot out from around his neck. “But you’ll come crawling back,”

You’ll come crawling back. She gritted her teeth. She feared he was right. She hastily hurried outside the bedroom and eventually, outside their quarters. His quarters. And he was left alone, in the large room that was too big for one.

What was he supposed to do? Chase after her? He wasn’t going to do that – knowing that she didn’t want to be there. He had paperwork to take care of, but he wasn’t going to be dealing with that right now. He couldn’t focus on anything.

༻◊۞◊༺

It was late in the night when Erwin gave up on his paperwork and he exited the Survey Corps HQ. There was a pub across the road where he knew he’d find Miche and many other high-ranking scouts that spent their nights there drinking. He himself could use a drink after today. He had forced himself to focus to finish some work today, but all he could think about was her. Her taste still on his lips. He knew that he had ruined her relationship with Levi and part of him hated himself for that, but another part of him felt… satisfaction. It was the sick part that he had kept hidden and buried for so long. But he was satisfied because some scouts had told him that she had moved back into the dorms which meant that her relationship with Levi was broken, which meant that she could be his now.

This was a fight that he had won.

She’ll come crawling back. He knew she would. He knew she wouldn’t be able to avoid him for too long, even though, he knew she was a stubborn woman, and she would be able to keep her eyes and hands off of him for quite a while.

The pub was almost silent at this hour, there were lots of people, sitting by the tables. He noticed Miche and Nanaba having another drinking game and getting wasted. He chuckled as he gave them a nod and walked towards the counter. He settled on a bench and ordered a whiskey, plain and bitter. It burned its way down his throat and he savoured each sip. He refilled his glass after a while, but not even a second glass of whiskey could erase her taste from his lips.

Goodness, what the hell had he just done? He didn’t know whether he should regret it or just go find her right now and kiss her again. He didn’t know whether he should be feeling guilty for getting between two people who obviously made each other so happy. No. Levi was an outsider. He had come to take something that was already taken. He didn’t know Nathalie as much as Erwin did. He had known her ever since she was a little girl. She had been with him for so, so long. It was only a matter of time before he kissed her – he had waited far too long for it, he was almost late. And it was because of this lateness that he had nearly lost her to someone else.

No. Erwin had done the right thing. She was his and she seemed to have forgotten and he had to establish that again and remind her and himself and everyone else – she was his. She was his sweet little girl.

But Erwin did not question his feelings. He did not think of what he was going to tell her. He did not think of how he was going to clarify what he was feeling for her. He couldn’t get too attached. It was his job that would get in the way. One day he would inevitably die. It had always been a realisation in the back of his mind – he was going to die one day. It could be tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow, or some other later date. If he died, what would that mean for her? He was going to hurt her far more than he ever had. And then there was something worse.

What if she died? What if they confessed each other their feelings – what if she told him so loved him and that she wanted a family with him and a whole new life with him, and it was all snuffed out in just a day? What would that mean for him if he lost her? How was he going to move on if that happened?

He had dragged her into this. Into the Survey Corps – the most dangerous Regiment where most soldiers died. He had been so fucking selfish – so, so selfish, he hadn’t thought of her not even for a second. He hadn’t thought of her wants, her safety, the life she had always chased after for herself – because he knew the military wasn’t it.

Erwin cursed himself mentally. How the hell had he allowed himself to be so damn selfish? Usually, he took everything into consideration and approached matters with immaculate logic and reasoning, but when it came to her, logic would jump out of the window. He wouldn’t act like he usually would. He would get so greedy, he’d want her by his side always, at all times. He’d want her attention, he’d want to be her world, her everything. When it came to her, he wasn’t himself.

What the hell was he going to do with her?

Erwin chugged another glass of whiskey down his throat. What was a burning sensation felt no more than water now on his throat. He didn’t know how much he had already, but he knew he was to stay sobber for a few more glasses.

But he hadn’t noticed Levi was there too. He wasn’t sitting too far from him. He was sitting beside him, as a matter of fact, there was only a small gap between them. Erwin noticed him there a few minutes later and he noticed he had been chugging down glass after glass of whiskey. They had broken up. He was there to drown his defeat in alcohol. But why the hell was Erwin there too? Why was he drinking for? He had won, hadn’t he?

Levi chuckled bitterly drawing Erwin’s attention. “Happy?” He took another deep sip of his whiskey. “You took away Furlan… and Isabel from me. You have my life right now in your hands to do whatever the fuck you want with it. And now, you took the woman I love,” Levi gave him a bitter smile. “What else is on your list, Erwin? Hmm?”

“l… never intended for this to go this way,” Erwin confessed as he focused his attention on the honey-coloured drink in his glass. He could stare at death in the eye, but he could not do the same with Levi right now.

“Don’t give me that bullshit, Erwin,” Levi growled. He stood up and tossed a few coins on the counter for the bartender to take. “This is exactly how you intended it to happen… to take her from me,”

“She wasn’t yours to begin with,”

“She wasn’t yours either,”

Finally, eyes met, and the two rivals shared an intense glare. Levi placed a hand on Erwin’s shoulder, making sure he had the blonde’s attention before he leaned close.

“Don’t you dare think even for a second that this is over,” Levi threatened. “I’ll make her come crawling back to me,” He chuckled. “It won’t take too much effort. She’ll see the kinda man you are. The kinda man who would toss her life in the fucking gutter for the sake of a successful plan,”

A small smirk flashed at the corners of Erwin’s lips. Levi wanted to play? Erwin was going to make sure he lost this fight and all the rest to come. “Let the game begin then,”

Yes, this was all a game. One of Erwin’s many gambles. A sick little competition between two men, and the prize, a woman. A woman that they almost viewed like an object. A beautiful little prize to tuck in a shelf.

Erwin raised his glass. “The winner takes it all,”   

Chapter 19: Aftermath

Notes:

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMMENTING, HERE TAKE SOME FLUFFY DADDY

It was impossible. She needed electricity if she was to separate two proteins. Nathalie groaned and buried her face in her hands. If she injected herself with titan spinal fluid as it was, she’d turn into a titan and that would be disastrous. Nathalie looked down at her notes and searched the previous pages for something useful. She had tried mixing Hange’s blood with the titan spinal fluid and it immediately started fuming with titan smoke. What difference would her own blood make?

Nathalie had been at it for days. Her ass was on the bench for so long, her muscles practically hurt because she hadn’t moved one bit. She couldn’t. She had a room in the dorms and two roommates, and she hadn’t even met them yet even though it had been days since she and Levi… well. She just sighed and looked down at her notes. She didn’t care about her roommates. She didn’t care about getting a proper sleep. She didn’t care about how terrible she was with managing relationships, and how terrible it was that she had kissed Erwin. How terrible it was that she had broken Levi’s heart.

No. she had no time to think about any of this. Nathalie drowned in her work, her research. She and Hange had been experimenting on their titan test subject that the world didn’t yet know they had. Erwin had made sure to not tell anyone that they had figured out where titans come from or that they had one in the very yard of the Survey Corps HQ in Trost. No one knew about it, and they wanted to keep that way for a while.

Nathalie and Hange realised that it drew energy from the sun and that the limbs were so weightless in contrast to its gigantic size, because titan bodies are an enlargement of an already existing human body. The titan weighed exactly as the human used to weigh before they turned him.

And then there was another important fact that they had discovered. When harming a titan, the skin regenerates and shoots smoke in the process. The smoke was the result of immense glucose being dissolved to produce enough energy to regenerate skin at such a fast rate, and in return, that produced carbon dioxide which was the smoke. Which meant that the titans used energy from the sun to produce glucose. They were like plants and that would sound insane if Nathalie and Hange told anybody else.

They just worked on a thesis that they were never going to publish unless they overthrew the government somehow.

“It’s like… somebody tried to crossbreed plants and humans,” Hange said.

“But why the hell would they do that?” Moblit asked. “What could possibly be the motive for someone to create the titans,”

“I have no idea,” Nathalie shook her head. “I’m sure you’ve read the entire story about Ymir that I wrote down in my notebooks,”

“Yeah,” Hange nodded. “Ymir the Founder. She had a parasite attached to the spine. And we have no idea what kind of organism that was,”

“It wasn’t a parasite… more like a symbiont,”

So, Nathalie had been working on that. She had been trying to figure out the nature of something that they knew nothing about. The people behind the walls didn’t even know its existence. It is a symbiont and it is attached to the spine. But they had found nothing on the spine of their titan test subject. They had sliced it all the down its back to find the spine beneath, but there was no symbiont attached to it.

“Take Ymir’s body, find the worm! Learn everything you can about it. I need to know how to pass down those powers to my daughters,”

“The methods may not be… pleasant, your Majesty. Are you sure you want us to vandalise the Queen’s dead body?”

“I said, do it!”

Nathalie’s eyes widened. So, her family had already examined it? Maybe if she fumbled through their memories for a little longer, maybe she would be able to find everything she had been looking for. She had to figure this out. It would be the answers to everything. She just had to work. Work, work, work. Science. She loved science more than anything. She knew she should be trying to figure out a way to cure herself off her disease, but that looked so small and meaningless in comparison to the things that she had to discover.

Her life did not mean a thing when it came to science – when it came to discovery, to knowledge. She had eleven years to live. She would figure something out till then. But these all were a priority – the truth was a priority.

And maybe, she wasn’t even going to work on a cure. Maybe she was going to focus on that thesis, and she was going to finish it in eleven years. And then, she was going to die and leave back her short-life’s work, and hopefully, it was going to help save all Eldians because the people on this island were innocent and the entire world was against them for crimes that they didn’t even know they had committed.

And Nathalie was going to give up on life because she had broken the heart of the man that she loved and maybe that was what she most deserved. And Erwin? She had avoided so much seeing him ever since the day he kissed her. That afternoon that she couldn’t erase from her mind. His taste… his arms around her, the urgency of the kiss, the need, his kisses on her neck. She yearned for this all again. She wanted to show up in his office and pick up from where they had left it – but no she couldn’t do that. She couldn’t be with Erwin for so many reasons. Levi was one of them.

So, Nathalie drowned in her science. In the memories of her ancestors and sucked in all the knowledge they could give her – killing herself in the process.

And it was hours later when she passed out. Her own blood had even stained her notebook and her pencil. Both her handkerchiefs were painted in dark red. Drops of blood had dried on her nostrils. Her throat burned in pain and her skin, pale. So, so pale and cold to the touch. Her usually pink lips were now a light blue, and her cheeks, no longer had their rosy colour. Just pale, and cold. She looked like the dead.

She was falling apart. Her body was giving up on her, but she was ignoring it, because she was always so good at ignoring herself and her health and her needs. It was her own way of punishing herself for the fact that she had hurt Levi – the only man who had ever made her feel precious and wanted. And maybe, if she kept it up like this, she was going to die in less than eleven years.

And Erwin found her like this. He had been looking for her. He had been trying to find her, they had to talk. He went to the dorms and found her roommates and they said they hadn’t even met her yet. They hadn’t seen her in weeks. And at first, he was terrified, because he hadn’t seen her since the day he had kissed her and that was weeks ago, and what if something had happened to her? What if someone killed her or abducted her or something terrible had happened to her? But Hange hadn’t told him anything, and Hange worked with Nathalie every day, all day. Maybe he was panicking for nothing.

Still, he knew one other place he’d find her, and that was the lab, and he hurried. He had to make sure that she was okay. He had to find her and resolve this because she’d avoid both him and Levi and this was not how it was supposed to be – she shouldn’t be avoiding him.

They had to talk.

But how could he talk to her if she was such a mess? Erwin rushed towards her and immediately checked on her pulse beneath her thin wrist. Her hand was stained in her blood along with those two handkerchiefs and her face, and her skin was so cold to the touch it terrified him. But she was alive. She had a steady beat on the base of her wrist. She was alive but he had to check twice. He placed his fingers beneath her nostrils only to feel her rhythmic warm breaths brushing against his skin.

Erwin let out a sigh of relief. His shoulders relaxed. She was alive. If she didn’t show up in her room in the dorms, then where did she sleep? Where did she live? She was no longer living with Levi, he was sure of that. She couldn’t be sleeping here, on the desk just like she was sleeping right now. Or maybe, she was doing just that and using the public bathrooms of the dorms but not her bed.

Research cannot wait she would say if he asked her. He knew she was selfless. He knew she never took care of herself. He knew her research and her science were always above everything else.

She was like himself who put his job over everything else. But he could not watch her like this. She needed to sleep on a proper bed. She needed someone to pick her up and take care of her because she would neglect herself so much, he couldn’t stand idle.

Erwin tucked her notebook and her bloody handkerchiefs in the pockets of his pants, and he gathered her small body in his arms. She was so light – lighter than the last time that he had held her. Had she lost weight as well? Was that why her wrist was so thin, he could wrap his fingers around it twice. Erwin looked down at her. She was completely unconscious. Her head had rolled back, hanging. Her arms, gathered in her lap. Her skirt was a black one that he had seen her wear before, and her shirt was an ochre yellow, stained in drops of blood in some areas.

Even in this mess, his sweet Nathalie was beautiful. She was so beautiful and small, and she looked so weak right now. Erwin couldn’t help himself. He pressed a kiss at soft spot on her neck that was spread out to him due to her head rolling back. His nostrils caught her sweet scent, and her skin was tender beneath his lips, but cold.

His sweet girl, he was going to take care of her.

He carried her to his quarters. Nobody was in the halls to see them at this hour. No one sane was awake so late in the night. It would explain how Erwin wasn’t sane either, but this woman in his arms – it was she – his sanity.

Erwin lied her down on his bed. He brought a pot of water and a clean rag, settling them by the nightstand beside his bed, beside her. He took off her short boots and her glasses, placing them by his nightstand. He settled behind her on the bed and placed her body on top of his. Her back met his chest. Her head rolled back on his shoulder. He trapped her two legs between his own and brought the bedsheets on top of her to warm her up.

He dampened the cloth with the water, and he brought it up to her face. He wiped the blood off her nostrils, her lips. He did the same with her hands and wherever else he found blood on her body, and when he was done cleaning her up, he wrapped his arms around her and watched her as she slept against him. His back, against the headboard. He met her hair with his lips. He buried his nose in the messy brown locks and drew in her scent. It felt so good having her there, in his arms. It felt so good holding her.

His sweet little girl.

He pressed a kiss on her forehead, her temple, her cheek, her lips. She began regaining her colour, the normal temperature. He brushed a strand of hair away from her forehead and only then did he realise just how big the palm of his hand was compared to her face. A small smile spread on his lips.

My little girl.

He held her all night. It was impossible to go do paperwork when he had this woman in his arms. His woman. One day he promised himself. His arms tightened around her as he buried his face in her hair and closed his eyes.

One day.

༻◊۞◊༺

Warmth. It was very warm right there – wherever it was that she was right now. It didn’t feel like she was sleeping on the wooden surface of her lab counter. She didn’t feel an ache in her back nor her muscles that would scream at her in the mornings that passing out on a table was a terrible idea and she would usually ignore them. Besides, sleeping on her lab counter and seated on a chair was saving her the trouble of having to socialise and coexist with other two girls in the same room.

Nathalie hated a lot of things, but socialising was the worst one of them.

But she had work to do. Her research just couldn’t wait. And that very thought reminded her that she had a terrible headache right now. Her throat felt hoarse and aching, and she felt dizzy. She must have taken it very far last night, but she was certain she had written down valuable information about the very source of the titans’ existence.

Hallucigenia sparsa-immanis. Of the clade Vermis deorum – worm touched by the Gods, and it was no coincidence that her ancestors had named it this. It was capable of giving the power to control time. And capable of so much more, the very genetics of that being were an absolute marvel. Of course, it was all because of that archaic living organism that the world was at its current terrible state, but it was special because there hasn’t been anything like it on their planet.

It probably was the very last survivor of its species, and she wanted to learn more. Nathalie wanted to find out everything about it – her ancestors were the first to examine it. She could reach to knowledge that led two thousand years back. But that of course you take a toll on her body, but she didn’t care. Anything for science. Everything for science.

Her eyes snapped open. “My notebook,”

Nathalie completely ignored the fact that she wasn’t even in the lab. She wasn’t where she was supposed to be. She wasn’t seated and her back didn’t ache from leaning and sleeping on the table. No, she was lying on a bed. But the moment she woke up, she didn’t care about anything. She needed her notebook. She needed her pencil. She needed to run back to the lab and resume working. This couldn’t wait.

She hurried to stand up. She was in a bedroom. She had no idea which, but it wasn’t her own. She didn’t care. She exited the bedroom that led to an office, but she didn’t notice anybody there. She hurried to walk out, grabbing her notebook and her glasses and her pencil that lingered on a nearby furniture and she headed for the door.

Memories were coming back to her. People dressed in white lab coats as they sliced a dead body and found the worm beneath the skin, wrapped around the spine. Dried blood laid beneath the skin, the torn flesh. Dozens of scientists brainstorming with ideas. Their voices, so many in her mind. She needed to write this all down. She needed to-

“Nathalie!” It came loud because Erwin had called her name once, twice, thrice. She snapped out of whatever she was thinking at the fourth time. She was hurrying out of his quarters and he immediately thought that he had done something wrong. That maybe bringing her to his quarters was a mistake and he had probably scared her.

Alas, he had no idea that she didn’t even know whose office that was. Whose bed she slept on last night. Who picked her up and brought her to sleep to a proper bed – she hadn’t even wondered who that may be. All she cared about right now was writing. Writing important information that was going to save all Eldians.

Her eyes widened. She was snapped out of it instantly. He had wrapped his arms around her. It was Erwin. He was holding her tight, keeping her in place because she had almost left again, and he had almost lost her. He wanted to talk to her, and if he let her leave, he wouldn’t be seeing her for weeks. But she seemed lost and distracted, and Erwin understood exactly why Levi had been so worried for her that night when he showed up in his office to talk to him about it.

“E- E- Erwin! W- What are you doing in…” Nathalie looked around the room and she realised it was actually Erwin’s office. She hadn’t even noticed as much. “…t- this is your… office…” Had she actually slept on his bed the previous night? What happened? She didn’t remember anything, she only remembered passing out. She should have woken up on the lab this morning. Yeah, and she would continue her research.

But he had probably found her in her atrocious bloody and sleep-deprived state in the lab. He had found her, and he had brought her here to rest properly. She looked at her hands – her fingers that she vividly remembered to have been coloured in the blood that she coughed out. There was none. He had cleaned her up. She had probably slept in which wasn’t surprising. She had deprived herself off food and sleep and everything else.

And just like that, she had drifted off again. Her eyes stared blankly on his white shirt. Her mildly parted lips, and her breath slowed down again. She was drifting off. Erwin cupped her cheek. This was serious. He hadn’t imagined it’d be that serious.

“Nat… are you with me?” No response. “Nathalie,” His arms tightened around her as he manhandled her. He shook her body – her mind back to reality. Her eyes met his own again. She looked up at that look of utter concern in his eyes. There were so many things wrong with her. This could not continue.

“Erwin…” She gave him a soft smile and her hand reached up for his cheek. “…I- I- I’m so sorry, I… I’m not…” What the hell was she doing? He was holding her, and she was cupping his cheek, and this was so wrong. They were so close. She had to leave. She didn’t have time for this. She didn’t want another relationship. She didn’t want another man to be worried for her. She had things to do. She had research to make, she did not have time for this. “…I have to go,” Nathalie pulled away from him and turned to walk out of the room, but her legs almost gave up on her.

Erwin picked her up before she collapsed on the floor. “You’re not going anywhere,” He said strictly before he placed her down on the couch that faced his desk. “When was the last time you ate anything?” 

Nathalie just sighed and turned her head away from him. “I’m just tired-”

Erwin knelt on her eye-level beside the couch and his hand found her other cheek, urging her to turn and look him in the eye. “Answer my question, Nathalie,”

He had the same tone in his voice as when he was giving orders. A serious expression on his face, and she knew she couldn’t disobey. She couldn’t keep stalling responding to that question or else he’d do God knows what. She didn’t have the energy to deal with Erwin’s rage right now. Erwin knew her anorexic tendencies – he had spent too long listening to her parents talking, so worried, about it.

Nathalie prepared herself for a scolding. “Four… maybe… five days, b- but I’m fine. I’m not hungry-”

“I don’t care. You can’t even stand on your own two feet, Nathalie. I’m getting you something to eat,” Erwin stood up and headed for the door, seemingly pissed. Of course, he was pissed. She was brilliant. She understood the most complex facts of biology, but could she not understand that she needed food to function properly? No, she had deprived herself of food and sleep and she had done it deliberately.

A knock came on the door. “Commander Erwin. The meeting is in five minutes, sir!”

Erwin let out a sigh and he bit his lip. That meeting was going to be lasting for hours. And what was going to happen to her in those few hours? She needed to eat something, and she needed it now.

“Go,” Nathalie gave him a weak smile. “I’ll just… take a nap,” She closed her eyes, and she had drifted off before he could answer.

Chapter 20: Are We Together?

Notes:

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Eating Problems, Mention of Anorexic Tendencies, Mention of Misogynism that I believe fits the era? I mean, Paradis people are stuck in the Middle Ages, aren’t they?

Erwin returned by the late afternoon. He had just had his dinner as well, the long meeting with all Section Commanders and Squad Leaders and Captains was over. Hange had been asking for Nathalie – since she hadn’t seen her for the remaining day, and once Erwin explained the situation, he could have sworn, Hange was about to explode. She wanted to hurry and find Nathalie and beat her to death because she was being such a reckless, selfless brat. But thank God, Moblit was there to keep Hange in check and remind her that she should drown in her research on her titan subject instead of killing her partner in science.

Erwin reassured her that he had Nathalie’s case under control – amongst one million things that he had in mind right now. Levi was silent in the entirety of that meeting. He didn’t look too well either – he was more sleep-deprived than ever. He was forcefully being there because he had to as a new Captain, but all he wanted to focus on right now is training those new brats that he had picked for his squad – and he was still recruiting. He had to make sure to train them well enough to survive out there. The last thing he wanted was to go through the shit that Nathalie had gone through when her entire squad was wiped out – except him.

But he hadn’t seen her in weeks. Ever since the day she picked up her suitcase and left. He didn’t know where she was or what she was doing. He wanted to ask Hange or Miche or someone else – but he didn’t trust anybody there. Not yet, at least. No, he didn’t care how she was doing. He didn’t care where she was. She had allowed Erwin to get between them and ruin whatever they had. He didn’t know what was it that they had, all he knew was that it was precious. And he had lost it, and it was her fault, and now he was alone like he had always been.

And it was all her fault, and she knew it all too well, but she knew that telling Levi about it, she had done the right thing. She couldn’t have both men. She couldn’t kiss Erwin, then pretend to Levi that she hadn’t and that she was his. She couldn’t lie to Levi and if she could avoid it, she did just that. She drew her distance to Levi by not even meeting in the hallways, the Mess Hall. He had noticed she wouldn’t show up in the Mess Hall – not even in the kitchen where she’d usually make her delectable sweets or the weekends when the chef and the kitchen staff were out of work – it was she the one to cook something for the veterans that would spend their weekends on top of their paperwork.

Nathalie had just disappeared. But he knew where she spent her time the most – the labs, but he wouldn’t go there. He didn’t want to face her. He didn’t want to talk to her – what would he say? Was there anything that they could talk about after everything? So, Levi kept his distance from her, and so did she with him. He couldn’t help reminding himself that there was a time when the two of them were inseparable. He missed it. He missed her. He missed her so much.

And maybe, so did she. Maybe this was all a punishment that she was forcing on herself. The sleep and food deprivation. She was pushing herself back to the deep black hole of anorexia – a bad habit that she thought she had gotten over with. It started when she was at the university. When all the pressure of being a woman and daring to study science amongst two hundred men that looked down on her. She always made sure to prove them wrong. To let them know that she was far better than all of them, but that didn’t mean that the things they said, the way they treated her, the stress, the pressure led to anorexia.

“…we’ll check it out tomorrow,” Hange groaned and crossed her arms against her chest. She was talking with Erwin after the meeting and Moblit stuck around like he always did. “If she weighs anything less than (45kgs/99,2lbs), I’m going to kill her myself,”

Admittedly, Levi hadn’t listened to the entire conversation. That was the only part of it that he had caught. He was gathering a few folders to take back to his office and Erwin, Hange and Moblit weren’t too far away. Levi knew she had the same eating problems that he did. He had grown in the Underground. He had seen and done disgusting things to survive and all the lack of food, led to his own issues. But she hadn’t yet told him why she would be the same. How did it start, and why now? Now that they were no longer together and they wouldn’t eat together, to make sure to force each other finish their daily porridge.

Levi too had stopped eating lately. After she was gone, he stopped. And maybe, so had she. Maybe, if that bastard hadn’t kissed her, she’d never leave him. Levi gritted his teeth. Fingers clenched around the papers that he was gathering from the large wooden table, wrinkling them slightly.

And when everybody was out of the room, and Erwin was about to follow them out as well, Levi spoke. “Erwin,” He caught the man’s attention. He didn’t yet turn to look at Erwin who was waiting for him to say something. “Take care of her,” Silver, dead eyes met Erwin’s. “She’s yours… for now,”

Levi bumped him on the shoulder as he passed by him and walked out leaving him alone in the room. Levi had probably heard his conversation with Hange and Moblit.

For now.

Just what the hell was Levi planning to do? Whatever that was, it was going to be in vain. Nathalie was his now and he wasn’t letting her go no matter what it was that Levi was planning to do. Erwin tones down his growing frustration. Nathalie’s mine. Mine. He reminded himself, before he hurried to the Mess Hall.

He had his own bowl of porridge and made sure bring one to her as well and a glass of water. He only hoped she was okay and wasn’t trying to work herself off. He checked to see whether she was in the labs, but she wasn’t. If she wasn’t there, then she was still sleeping in his quarters.

And he was right. She was sleeping on his couch. She was in the very same position he had left her. She was lying with her cheek on the cushions and her hand tucked beneath. The blanket that he had thrown on top of her before leaving was still there. Her glasses and her notebook laid on the floor beside her. She hadn’t moved an inch, but she wasn’t pale. He touched her rosy cheek with the back of his knuckles and her skin was warm, which was a good a sign. She was alright. His long fingers snuck beneath the covers and found her neck. He pressed down on her pulse point waiting for a beat.

He let out a sigh of relief. She was okay. She had a steady beat, and she was sleeping soundly. His sweet little Nathalie must have been exhausted to be able to sleep for that long. She probably hadn’t had a proper sleep in days, and he knew that feeling more than anyone. She let out a soft whimper as she began to stir, finally aware of his presence.

“Erwin…?”

A small smile gathered on his lips as he laid down on the table the bowl of porridge and the glass of water that he had brought for her, and he took off his green Survey Corps trench coat. He took off his bolo tie as well, hanging them both by his coat-stand. He let two buttons loose of his white shirt and he gathered his sleeves up his elbows. He didn’t look as tired as he usually would – and maybe that’s because for one and only night he had slept beside her and savoured each second of it.

But he looked like a God, right there, rolling his sleeves up, veiny arms revealed beneath. His white shirt was so big, perfect to fit his body, and she tried to imagine how it would look on her. It would probably be one huge dress that would reach her knees. Nathalie’s cheeks got a bright red right away. Putting her glasses on right away after waking up was probably a bad idea – but she couldn’t see a thing without them, so it was more like a reflex.

“How are you feeling?” Erwin asked. Of course, he had seen her ridiculously red cheeks, even though she brought the blanket further up her face to hide them.

“I- I- I’m better,” She stuttered and then she noticed the bowl of food that he had brought for her, and she bit her tongue.

“Hungry?”

She sighed heavily. “I’m afraid I’m not hungry but… I have to eat,” She admitted as she pushed the blanket off of her body and urged herself to sit. She shivered a bit. The warmth of the blanket finally off of her. But she ignored it. Nathalie’s shaky hand reached for the bowl to eat the warm porridge and warm up her hands holding onto the bowl.

“Let me,” Erwin offered. He sat beside her. His arms slipped around her and picked her up gently. He placed her small, weightless body on his lap, feet, hanging from one side whilst he supported her against him with one hand. He pulled the blanket on top of her again, wrapping it around her like a cocoon, leaving her head out alone.

Nathalie let out a sigh of relief and she relaxed against him. She pressed her cheek down on his chest and she closed her eyes again. She revelled in his warmth, the blanket that he had thrown around her, his arms that held her warm and tight into him. She pursed her lips and buried her face in his neck like a touch-starved infant. She knew it was wrong – yet everything she did these days was wrong, but letting Erwin hold her and take care of her was the only thing that felt right.

And she was so beautiful right there, his sweet little girl, letting him hold her tight against him. He pressed a kiss on her forehead, her cheek, her temple. This perfect little woman was his and he was going to make sure it stayed that way.

“Nathalie,” He spoke gently against her ear as he brushed her messy brown hair away from her face. His rough thumb found her cheek. “You’re growing anorexic again… why?” He knew there must have been a reason. But he had a feeling he knew what that reason was.

She drew in a sharp breath and shut her eyes tight. “I hurt him… it’s what I deserve,”

And maybe her current state was his fault, because if he hadn’t kissed her that day, she would be alright now. She wouldn’t be his, but she would be healthy. Idiot. Erwin scolded himself.

“You’re not the one who hurt him, listen to me, Nat,” Erwin brought her face to look up at him with shiny blue eyes filled with tears. “I kissed you. I hurt him,”

“I kissed you back,” Nathalie said. Her hand snuck out of the blanket and met his cheek. Warm fingers ran across his skin, and he closed his eyes briefly. “I have wanted you… for so long… ever since you left to join the military you were the only man I ever thought about for years, you still are, a- and I always thought that you’d never feel the same because you’re so perfect and I-”

He kissed her. He kissed her hard because he couldn’t help it. His sweet little girl didn’t think she was perfect enough to earn his attention. He knew she never thought of herself as special. You’re so perfect. You’d never feel the same. She had no idea she was the only woman he’d ever think of. The only woman he ever cared about. He had had many, but he had yet to have her – the only woman he ever wanted.

So, he kissed her hard and he stripped her body off the blanket. He let go of her lips with a soft, wet pop, her chest, heaving up and down in heavy breaths, trying to replace the oxygen missing in her lungs. He planted kisses all the way down her chin, her neck, he found all the soft spots that he sank his teeth into. He bit and sucked on her wonderful white skin a little harder than he was intending to, but he couldn’t help it. He had been wanting her for so long. And those gasps and whimpers and her small body twitching beneath his rough bites – he loved each second of it.

His sweet Nathalie, finally in his arms, finally allowing him to mark her skin and bruise her and leave his mark on her just like he had always wanted. She was his. “Mine,” He groaned hotly against her skin as he let out a particularly rough bite and she gasped and trembled beneath him.

His hot tongue snaked out, easing the sting. He’d love to watch her bruised neck in the morning and her reaction to it. And when he reached the hem of her shirt, his fingers found her buttons and he tugged on her shirt, loosing one button to plant another kiss just a little lower. He wanted to tear her clothes off of her. He wanted to take her to bed and fuck her till she passed out. But she was probably still weak for any of that. She had to eat something first and he had to let her rest.

“You’re mine now, Nathalie,” Erwin pulled from her neck and cupped her cheek and looked down at her. “You’re all mine from this day forth and for all the days to come,” Bright blue eyes met his own. She looked so hazed. So lost in his warmth, his touch, her lust for him, eyes dilated. Her plump pink lips, parted, ready for him to slip his tongue right into the sweet warmth of her mouth. “You’re going to move your stuff here, and I’m going to take such good care of my sweet little girl, hmm?”

Goodness, she was dying for him, right now. There was no saying how wet she was. How perfect it sounded coming from him. Mine. I’m going to take care of my sweet little girl. She was his sweet little girl, her entire life she had been trying so much to be that. His sweet little girl that was going to please him so well in the nights, in the mornings, in every second of every day. Whenever he wanted, he could use her however he wanted. That was all that she ever wanted to have with him. There was more. She wanted his love, his acceptance, his approval. She wanted to make him proud. She had always strived to earn his approval, a smile on his lips when he’d look at her. His arms around her.

“Wanna be… your little girl,” She purred against his lips. “Wanna please you, ‘win,”

Fuck, He was getting so hard beneath his pants. She could feel him beneath her. She tried to shift her body, rub herself on his cock. She was failing miserably. She couldn’t rub herself on him properly in this position, but she was still driving him insane with her little whines, her weak hands that reached to steady herself on his shoulders.

Erwin wrapped his arms around her, stopping her hopeless movements. “Keep this up, and I won’t be able to go easy on my little girl. Unless it is exactly what you want, hmm? You want daddy to break you, don’t you?”

“Fuck…” She gasped, breathless already. “…yes! Yes, daddy, I want you break me, please… please,”

It sounded so good coming from her. Daddy. Begging him to fuck her till she could no longer think. Who was he to say no to his little girl? She had been so good to him. Always following his orders. Always following him everywhere, even in the Scouts like a madwoman. Maybe she was insane. Maybe she was crazy for him.

“Careful what you wish for, baby girl,” He nibbled on her earlobe before he picked her up and took her to his bed.

He lied her down and crawled on top of her. His large body hovered over her own, covering her completely beneath him, and his mouth found her own again. He kissed her and ran his tongue all over her mouth, gathering her sweet taste. She was now his, and he could kiss her and take her anytime he’d want to. Finally, his little Nathalie was beneath him, kissing him back with no regrets, no guilt, just pure lust.

He unbuttoned her shirt and revealed her breasts. Small mounts trapped behind her white, innocent bra. She let out a small whine and her hands reached to cover her chest, her stomach instinctively. She was still shy. He wanted to smirk. His shy, innocent girl. It would be such a shame if he turned her into a complete slut. He would enjoy so much to steal her innocence and replace it all with himself. He wanted to be the only thing on her mind for now, and forever.

“Why’s my little girl so shy?” Erwin gently pushed her hands away from her body and guided her to hold onto his shoulders instead.

“I… I’m not… pretty, ‘win,” She bit her lip, and a large blush spread down her neck, her cheeks. She turned her head from him trying to hide her rosy cheeks in the pillow, but he harshly caught her chin, sinking his fingers in her cheeks, and forcing her to look at him.

“Give me that bullshit one more time, and I’m going to leave you like this,”

She bit her lip and buried her face in his neck instead, wrapping her arms tightly around his broad shoulders. “ ‘m sorry,” She mumbled shyly in his neck, not wanting to look him in the eye as she clutched on him.

He couldn’t help it. It frustrated him knowing how she viewed herself. Ugly and imperfect, and unworthy of him. Him – the man who had let so many people die already for his own selfish reasons, and he had just taken the reins of the Survey Corps. How many people were going to die under his leadership in one, two, three years? It was him who wasn’t worthy of her. She was perfect. She was beautiful Her face was perfect. Her lips, the right size, and pink and plush and plump. Her eyes, huge and bright blue and always stared curiously behind the lenses of her glasses. The way she always dressed was always so plain, but so beautiful on her. She never provoked a man. She was plain with long skirts and long-sleeved shirts, hiding her skin because she always thought of herself as not beautiful and ugly and unworthy.

But after all those women that he had seen and been with, they weren’t even close to her. And in all her perfection, she was brilliant. Brains and beauty never came together – but she had both. She was precious and unique.

He cupped her cheek and urged her to look up at him, pulling back slightly. Her cheeks were bright red and so warm beneath his large thumb. Her lips, bitten by herself and her eyes straying away from his.

“Look at me, my little angel,” He pressed his forehead against her own, earning her attention at last. “You’re perfect. You’re so beautiful and so brilliant… and I will not be able to save all Eldians without you,” He confessed, and it was true. He wouldn’t be able to do anything without her. Without her brilliance, and all that knowledge that was so valid and she was handing it to him on a silver platter, and he was so sure that it was legitimate and true. They had no proof, but he knew it deep down in his gut that it was all real.

Her small hand found his clothed chest, resting right on top of his heart. She knew what he was asking. She knew him so well. “I’ll stand by you… till the very end,” And this was a promise, no – it was an oath.

He took her hand in his own and brought it up to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss on her open palm. “Then, I am a very lucky man,”

She giggled and the bright blush returned on her cheeks. “Well… aren’t you going to kiss me, Commander?” She teased but her smile faded and she let out a yelp of surprise as he sat back and brought her to straddle his lap with a sudden powerful movement.

“I want to do so much more than kiss you, but you see, Lieutenant,” He grinned. “Somebody has not been taking good care of herself, and I need to do that for her,”

She bit her lip. It was almost shameful. “I’m so sorry that you have to… deal with me,”

“There’s nothing else I’d rather deal with right now,” One big, warm hand snuck beneath her shirt and found her back. “I’ll take care of you, Nathalie,” He nodded his head to the direction of his office. “C’mon. You need to eat, and then you need to sleep,”

“And you’re going to sleep with me,” Nathalie said, and he looked at her arching an eyebrow. “What? I’m going to take care of you too so we’re even,”

Chapter 21: Rivalry

Notes:

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMMENTING!!!!!

Here, take a spicy chap

True to her word, Nathalie literally forced Erwin to go to sleep for one more night. Erwin had almost forgotten how much of a whiny brat she could be when he was refusing her something. He had work to do.

“Well, if you don’t go to sleep, I won’t either,”

“You need rest,”

“And so do you!”

She almost reminded him his mother. And after she had the first bowl of food that she had in days, she finally went to sleep, dragging him with her. This man was impossible. How could he expect himself to come up with a proper plan when he’s depriving himself of his much-needed rest? Unbelievable. But here he was, full eight hours later, still on the bed with his girl in his arms. His sweet girl. Erwin opened his eyes and the sight of her was so welcome in the early morning. She was adorable whilst she slept, her back against his chest, his arms around her as he spooned her in. He buried his face in the crook of her shoulder. His nose found her neck. He drew in her sweet scent.

He had to get up. He had things to do. But like the day before, he couldn’t find himself to push her off of him right now. He pressed a kiss on her shoulder. She was wearing a nightgown. It was last night that she set off to bring her few belongings here. She used his shower, and then, she was slipping right into one of her nightgowns. It was a white, flexy fabric. Merely two straps were hooked on her shoulders and a wonderful V exposed her chest. It barely reached her knees in length.

His arms were around her waist. A large palm was resting on her belly. He knew it was very early to make such thoughts, but he couldn’t help thinking how it would feel if there was a life growing in there. Something precious that both him and her had contributed into. How would a little child of their own look like? She would make such a perfect mom. He indulged himself with such thoughts, even though he knew, they would never get there. The world was such a mess and if everything that she told them – her ancestors’ memories – memories of the outside world, if all of it was true, then there was no way he was going to bring a child into this world. He was going to fix this world before even thinking of having a family.

But if he managed to fix this world, and if he managed to bring himself, and her out of it alive, then the only thing he’d want to do was be with her. Have a family with her. His sweet little girl. Stand up. Get off the bed. You got work to do. He told himself. He knew that sane voice in his mind was so right. He had to stand up and leave. He couldn’t hold her like that all day. He couldn’t fantasize all day about things that were never going to happen. A better, happier life that he was never going to have, because he had thought everything through.

He had calculated everything, and all his chances pointed to his death. He couldn’t hold her right now and kiss her and tell her he loved her. One day he was going to die, and she’d think of the first time he’d told her he loved her, and her life would be hellish, and he would have contributed to that. He shouldn’t be so sweet to her. He shouldn’t be so sweet and gentle and good, because she was going to fall deeper than she already had.

He should’ve never made this damn deal with Levi. He should have never kissed her that day in the first place. He was going to die one day and what would that mean to her? She was probably going to die one day, and he would spend the rest of his life blaming himself for it. Life would be hell either way. But he could not live knowing that in the nights she slept in the arms of some other man. He could not live like this.

He wanted to be with her, and then he couldn’t.

What was he supposed to do? Make her hate him? How was he supposed to hurt her like that? Maybe if he hurt her, then his death wasn’t going to hurt her too much.

“What is it?” She snapped him out of those endless, torturous thoughts.

His eyes widened momentarily. He hadn’t even noticed she was awake, turning her head over her shoulder to look up at him. She was examining the look on his face with her bright blue eyes. Perfect pink lips slightly parted as she bit on her tongue. She was trying to figure out what he was thinking with just a glimpse of his face. Erwin forced a smile on his lips, not leaving behind a single hint of what he was thinking.

“It’s nothing,” Erwin gave her a small, fake smile that she could see right through it. He was supposed to fool her and reassure her. But it didn’t work, did it? It never really did. She knew him so well – they had grown up together. She was so smart.

Nathalie shifted her body so that she was facing him. The look of concern on her face as her palms found his chest. He had taken his shirt off, sleeping only with those black sweatpants. It was dark last night, she hadn’t gotten to see his chest, his torso. The perfectly built muscles and the scars that adorned the perfect skin. But she wasn’t there to stare at him, finally shirtless and far better-looking that she had ever imagined he’d be. She was there to figure out what was wrong. He was faking that smile. She could tell.

She cupped his cheek. Her fingers were warm, and soft. Her touch, tender and precious. He closed his eyes briefly and leaned on her hand. Her heart fluttered. Another touch-starved man. A smile spread on her lips. One of her precious smiles that always suited her so much. He opened his eyes and he realised she looked like a goddess bathed in the morning sunlight. Her hair messy. Her body, waist-down covered in their white bedsheets and the rest exposed to him, in her white silky nightgown. And then it was her sweet smile. Perfect pink, plump lips curled up just right. He forgot all about his worries.

“You know you can talk to me if there’s something that troubles you,” She pressed her forehead against his own and snuggled her nose to his. “I want to be there for you,”

“You are,” His arms slipped tight around her. He pecked her nose and she giggled. “You are, my precious girl,” He caught her chin and guided her face close enough to press a kiss on her forehead. Nathalie cupped his cheek and tried to bring him close to kiss him, but he was out of her reach before she knew it. Erwin stood up fast enough, even though he wanted to stay. He wanted to kiss her. He wanted to have her, right here, right now, beneath him on this very bed. He wanted to make her scream for all the Scouts to hear.

But he couldn’t. He couldn’t because in all the frenzy of it – in the mess of limbs, and skin to skin contact, and kisses, and praises, and words he’d never dare admit he had spoken of – it would slip out. I love you. It would slip out, and he couldn’t have that, because she was going to say it back. And if he said it and she said it back, then their bond would be sealed. Then he couldn’t die. He couldn’t save the world without worrying about himself dying, or her dying, or something happening that was going to destroy what they had.

It was the thought of hurting her. It was the thought of dying and leaving her back in this cruel world, hurt and alone and miserable. It was the thought of failing to save her in the battlefield. The idea of holding her bleeding body in some blood-stained, muddy battlefield that it was going to end up being her tomb. The thought of spending the rest of his life blaming himself and his selfish dreams that brought death upon her. He couldn’t grow attached. It would hurt them both. He couldn’t have her.

Erwin gritted his teeth as he turned his back on her. He buttoned up a clean white shirt. He couldn’t have her, no matter how much he wanted to. He should have left her stay with Levi. She would be safer by Levi’s side and Levi would never hurt her. This is all so wrong. So wrong. You idiot.

“I have a meeting to attend to,”

Nathalie bit her tongue as she brought the bedsheets up to cover her chest that was overly exposed by her nightgown. He hadn’t let her kiss him, and she didn’t know what that meant.

“O- Of course!” Nathalie’s hand reached for her glasses that rested by her nightstand. “And I- I need to… resume my research,”

“Good,” Erwin tied a black leather belt around his waist. “I’ll see you in the afternoon then,”

And he was out of the room before she could utter another word. Had she done something wrong? Nathalie tried hard to think, alone in the room, and sitting on the bed with the bedsheets around her. One moment he was leaning on her hand like it was the most precious thing to happen to him, and the other, he was on his feet and rushing away.

Nathalie sighed heavily and she lied back down on the bed. She tried to think. Maybe there was indeed something wrong with her. Maybe she had done something wrong.

“You’re mine now, Nathalie. You’re all mine from this day forth and for all the days to come,”

“You’re going to move your stuff here, and I’m going to take such good care of my sweet little girl, hmm?”

If he meant all of these, then why hadn’t he let her kiss him? Why did he leave so fast? It was still early in the morning, he couldn’t have possibly had a meeting at 7am, could he? Was it her looks?

“Look at me, my little angel. You’re perfect. You’re so beautiful and so brilliant,”

Maybe it wasn’t her looks – that one thing that she had always felt insecure about. And if it wasn’t it, then what was it?

Maybe she had to stop looking for problems and start looking for answers. Maybe she should try talking to him in the afternoon after most of their work of the day will be finished and he’d have nothing else to attend to. Nathalie knew she was going to be thinking about it all day

No. You have to focus. She had work to do.

༻◊۞◊༺

“42 FUCKING kgs!” (92,5 lbs)

Nathalie cringed as she looked down at the scale that she was standing on. If Hange chose to murder her right this very instant, then Nathalie wouldn’t really complain about it.

“YOU WERE 45 THE LAST TIME!” (99,2 lbs)

Nathalie walked off the scale and wrapped her arms behind her back shyly. “I… I’m aware,” She spoke. Her voice, low and guilty. She was about to get massively lectured.

Hange grabbed her by her shoulders and started shaking her, punctuating every word with her movements. “YOU BETTER EARN THOSE BACK, OR I’M GOING TO KILL YOU IF YOU DON’T, YOUNG LADY!” Hange cried out seemingly pissed.

“Section Commander! Show some restraint!” Moblit scolded her.

“FUCK OFF, MOBLIT!” Hange cried out and Moblit frowned and rolled his eyes. She turned back at Nathalie, and she tucked her goggles further up the bridge of her nose. “Seriously though, if you keep deteriorating the state of your health, I will not be able to authorise you into joining the Expeditions,”

Nathalie’s eyes widened. “But-”

“No buts!” Hange growled.

Nathalie parted her lips to talk again, but she was cut off by a familiar voice. “Hange’s right,” Nathalie turned to see Levi standing by the door. Arms crossed against his chest as he rested some of his weight on the doorframe.

Nathalie tensed up right away. She hadn’t seen Levi in weeks. She hadn’t seen him since the day she left him. She bit her lip. She needed to apologise. She had hurt him. And just like that, she didn’t feel like eating anything today either. Her fingers began fidgeting with her skirt again.

“L- Levi,” She stuttered.

“Hange,” Levi turned at the taller woman. “May I steal her from you for a sec?”

Hange started snickering and wasn’t being very subtle about it. “You may steal from me for many secs,” She grinned.

Levi rolled his eyes and tried to ignore her as his hand reached out for Nathalie. She approached him and walked out of the room with him. His hand rested by her waist possessively as he followed her out.

Hange turned at Moblit. “And you’re going to spy on them and tell me what they talked about,”

“WHAT?!” Moblit tensed. “I’m not going to do that!”

“Yes, you are!” Hange grinned. “That is an order, Vice-Captain Berner!”

Moblit groaned in utter frustration as he walked out of the room mumbling beneath his breath “I’m not getting paid enough for this.”

Nathalie’s fingers were still fidgeting nervously with the soft brown fabric of her ankle-length skirt. She bit her lip and looked down on her feet as she walked on the training grounds of the Survey Corps. There were many young troops there training and exercising their ODM gear skills. Levi had been probably training a few young recruits this moment and he was watching over them. He had probably had no time to spend on her and she knew she had to say it quick and resolve the issue between them. She couldn’t leave it like this – she could barely talk to him. She could barely look him in the eye, even though she could say that he hadn’t slept in so long.

Once again, he had those familiar dark circles around his tired eyes. He hadn’t slept too much either, and she wanted to ask if he was eating enough food per day, but she couldn’t ask. She was too nervous to start a conversation. He was probably as well starving himself just as much as she had. But he had that same indifferent look on his face that she had learned to read what he hid beneath. He was just as nervous as she was.

“Levi, I-”

“Nat, I wanted to-”

It came simultaneously and both stopped walking and instead looked at each other in surprise. Nathalie giggled and her cheeks grew a bright red. A soft chuckle escaped his throat that she wouldn’t have heard if she wasn’t close enough. Levi fought back a smile. He had missed her sweet giggles. He tucked his hands in the pockets of his pants and he turned to look at her – his body facing her own.

“Ladies first,” Levi said and her hands went back into messing with the fabric of her skirt.

“I- I- I wanted to apologise… for hurting you… a- and leaving you, and giving you hopes about a… a feeling that I couldn’t return,” She bit her lip so hard she was sure she had made it swollen. “A- And I- I want you to know, I’m here for you, a- and I adore you, my darling Levi,” She looked down. She couldn’t look him in the eye. “But Erwin has been there… from the very beginning, and I-”

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me, Nat,” Levi cut her. “I’ve known since the very first time I kissed you. I tried to claim something that isn’t mine,”

He wasn’t looking her in the eye either. It broke her heart. It really did, because Levi needed someone too, as much as Erwin did. Goodness, she just wished she could rip herself in two. She just wished she could love them both equally. Levi was the very first man who made her feel wanted. And she didn’t know if Erwin was going to do the same, she just knew she would always choose Erwin in the end.

Levi’s hand reached for that strand of hair that fell on her forehead. Bright blue eyes met his own as he tucked her hair gently behind her. “I don’t regret it, Nat,” His hand rested on her cheek briefly. Warm and tender. “I cherished each second I spent by your side,”

Nathalie parted her lips to say something, but she couldn’t utter a word. He was so precious. So honest and precious, and she was more than happy to know that he wasn’t mad at her. Still, he was close to her. She could feel his breath on her lips. Silver eyes resting on her own. A bang of raven hair fell on his forehead and her hand hesitantly reached to brush it away.

Levi closed his eyes and leaned on her tender hand. “Start eating and sleeping normally again. Please, Nat,” She was probably the only person who had heard him say please. But he didn’t want her to throw her health out of the window just for him.

She gave him a smile. “Only if you start eating and sleeping normally as well,” She said and he opened his eyes and a small smile spread on his lips – only she could see it.

“It’s a deal, then,”

Her smile grew before she drew her hand back. “I’ll see you in the Mess Hall then for dinner,” She said before she turned around and started walking back to the labs with Hange and Moblit.

Levi merely watched her small figure as she walked away. He had rookies to train, but she was all he could look at right now. But his smile disappeared into a frown when he felt the familiar footsteps and the presence of a man behind him. Erwin. He had probably heard and seen this entire interaction.

“Tsk,” Levi turned his attention back to the rookies. “What do you want?” He asked. The indifferent look on his face was back and he didn’t even care to turn and look at Erwin who was standing behind him. He must have been pissed.

“Did you know she’s anorexic?” Erwin spoke. He was doing such a good job at hiding his ever-growing anger. Another meeting was over with the higher-ups and seeing Levi that close to Nathalie was the last thing he wanted right now.

“Of course, I do. She told me,” Levi frowned.

“But did she also tell you why she’s anorexic?” Erwin asked, arching an eyebrow. Levi realised he didn’t know anything about that. She hadn’t told him. He frowned even more. Erwin was lucky that they were on a public place, or else his fists would have already collided with his face not-so-gently. “That’s because in the University she was the only woman amongst six hundred men that looked down on her, but you didn’t know that did you?” Erwin smirked triumphantly as he leaned close to the shorter man’s ear. “And that is the difference between you and me. I know her. You don’t,”

“I’ve at least slept with her,” Levi said, and the way Erwin clenched his fists was hilarious. Levi gave him a smirk and walked past him. He had guessed right after all. Erwin hadn’t yet touched her, had he? “If I were you, I wouldn’t be attending stupid meetings and instead I’d spent the entire day with her,” Levi stopped walking away and he turned back at Erwin who he was sure was fuming in anger. “Oh and, in the nights, if she’s still in the lab, you should check on her every three or four hours. She tends to take it too far with her disease,”

Levi left with a smirk on his lips that was almost too visible for everybody to see, but he didn’t care. He knew things about her that Erwin had no idea about. And Erwin had just realised it because, admittedly, he didn’t know about the last part. It was exactly why she was such a mess when he found her in the lab two nights ago. It was probably something that he should be doing from now on. Check up on her. But how many things was he supposed to do?

Could Erwin really handle both the Survey Corps and a relationship? A relationship with a perfect woman that would neglect herself so much, it was something that he had to do for her, but how many things was he supposed to remember to do?

“I’ve at least slept with her,”

Fuck this. That hit a nerve in him. She hadn’t been with a man before Levi. She had preserved herself, her body, her innocence for him. Him alone. It was all supposed to be his, but Levi had stolen it. Dammit. Levi had stolen what was his. Erwin’s ego was far from injured right now.

Erwin had never been like this. He never cared about getting his ego trampled. He never cared about laying claim on something that someone else had stolen from him. He never cared about any of this. He always focused on things that mattered. He always meddled with things that deserved his attention, but those selfish desires and animalistic urges to own her – those stupid, time-wasting emotions did not deserve his attention, yet here he was. Rushing back towards the lab to find her.

He knew she was working. He knew she was busy – and she looked busy, sitting by the bench, and writing down on her precious notebook her precious knowledge. It was all knowledge that was going to help him save the world and touch the truth, but no, Erwin didn’t care about it one bit right now. All he cared about right now was her and using her to mend his broken ego.

“Erwin! I got some very important info to report-” Hange jumped beside him, and she pulled out a pack of papers and tried to make her report, but he cut her.

“Not now, Hange,” Erwin growled. For once, it was impossible to hide what he was feeling. His anger. Nathalie hadn’t even noticed him being there, so caught up into writing down and making her precious notes. He caught her hand and stopped her from writing down further, finally earning her attention.

“E- Erwin…?” Nathalie looked up, finally snapping back to reality. She didn’t quite recognise the look on Erwin’s face but… was it anger?

“We need to talk,”

In a blink of an eye, she was face down on his back. Her stomach pressed down on his shoulder, and he kept an arm hooked around her hips to make sure she wouldn’t fall off. She was as easy to pick her up like this as ever. Nathalie let out a yelp and a giggle. Whatever the hell was going on? It wasn’t the first time he was holding her like this and usually it was for fun when they were kids, but now something told her that this wasn’t going to lead to something fun. Or maybe it was.

Chapter 22: Denial 🟥

Notes:

ROUGH ANGSTY UNEDITED SMUT BENEATH LMAO PROCEED WITH CAUTION

Thanks for reading! Keep commenting and leaving kudos!

“If you were just gonna take me to your office, you could’ve just asked me to walk with you there,” Nathalie said. Head dangling from behind him as he carried her there. He hadn’t said a word, but she recognised the halls and the direction he was heading even though everything was upside down.

And her upside-down position wasn’t helping with her nosebleeds. She was growing a little dizzy, but she couldn’t trouble him about that. Something terrible must have happened and maybe that’s why he looked so angry about. She was more than willing to talk to him about it and be there for him to discuss and help him get over it.

When he finally let her back on her own two feet, the dizziness washed over her, and she almost tumbled on the floor. He didn’t notice. He shut the door closed and slammed her against it. Nathalie let out another yelp as her back hit hard against the wooden, closed door and his lips met her own.

He kissed her fervently with a kind of urgency that confused her. She had wanted to kiss him like that this very morning before he had also urgently walked out of her reach and left her. He didn’t want to kiss her in the morning, but why would he want it now? What was different about this time?

Nathalie did not ponder too much to think about it. He was kissing her so hard, his tongue, warm and delicious and she let him explore every part of her mouth. He picked her up effortlessly, urging her to wrap her legs around his waist as he let go of her mouth, and dragged his wet lips all the way down her chin, her neck, her chest. He laid his marks everywhere. On every part of white porcelain skin that he could find. Her hands found his hair, burying her fingers into them and supporting him closer.

He planted rough bites and she gasped in each and every one of them. She thrashed beneath him. Body arched into him as she let out her sweet sounds. Only when he was certain that her neck was thoroughly ravaged did he move to her chest, to do the exact same. He ruined the perfect white flesh wherever he could, and she didn’t stop him. She loved every second of it. It was better than she had ever imagined. His hold around her, his fingers that bruised her waist, her hips from the tight hold of his grip. She didn’t mind bruises if they came from him. She would look proudly in the mirror and know she was his.

“Mine, mine, mine, mine…” He spoke hotly against her skin after every kiss, every nip and suckle and nibble and bite. Thin tender fingers fisted in his hair as she threw her head back to offer him herself.

“Yours!” She breathed shakily. “Please, Erwin-”

He caught her one hand and slammed it on the door beside her head. He stopped kissing. Darkened blue eyes met her own dangerously. “That is not how my little girl calls me, is it?”

Fuck. She bit her lip. “ ‘m so sorry, daddy,” She leaned in and caught his lower lip between her own, nibbling gently. “Please, forgive me,” She purred against his lips. She snuck her free hand beneath his shirt, meeting the strong muscles of his back.

How could he not ravage her when she was being such a good obedient little girl? “Since my baby girl asked so nicely,” He let her back down on her feet and his hands reached for her shirt, ripping it open with a powerful yank. She gasped and took a step back. Buttons came flying in all directions and she whined. She’d have to sow those buttons back up one by one. “Shut up,” Erwin growled against her chest. “I’ll get you a new one,”

He pushed the shirt down her shoulders and let it drop down on the floor, on their feet. A hand reached blindly on her back, unclipping her bra with just one hand, without even looking at it. Just how many women had he stripped like this? Nathalie didn’t really want to know, but she felt a sense of pride, because despite all the women he’d been with, he had chosen her.

Or maybe she’d like to think so.

“Your skirt… off,” Erwin ordered, and she did just that. She slipped down the zipper, and it had fallen on their feet before he knew it.

Goodness, she was beautiful. She was wearing nothing but her white, innocent knickers. The only spec of clothing that she was wearing. He picked her up before she had the chance to wrap her arms around herself shyly. He took her to bed and lied her down gently. His mouth found the mounts of her breasts. He sucked hard and she gasped. Her body arched up into him as he suckled on her sensitive flesh till it was rosy and swollen. He did the same on the other breast and then he reached further down. He found her stomach, her abdomen. He pressed kisses everywhere till he found the hem of her knickers, already a damp spot on the cotton fabric.

“So wet for me,” He slipped off the final piece of clothing and looked at her pretty pussy. His thumb found her clit and he rubbed her. She let out the sweetest moans he’d ever heard in his life. He slid his fingers over the wet, glistening lips, her sensitive nub. He pushed a finger in gently and she tensed up, tightening her legs around his arm, but he pushed her legs apart with his free hand. He pulled his finger out and admired her slick wetness on the digit. “Were you that wet for him? Hmm?”

“No! No… no one makes me as… desperate as you, ‘win,” She bit her lip trying to hold back her pretty sounds.

He slapped her cunny hard enough to sting. She let out a cry and her whole body tensed. “You better be telling me the truth, little girl,”

She let out a sob. Tears gathered in her eyes as she breathed hard and somehow got wetter than she already was. She had no idea she was such a freaking masochist. “I am telling you truth, daddy, just please…” She whined as she rubbed herself on the palm of his hand trying to get all the friction she could. She was growing desperate. “…please, fuck me, please, please, please, I’ll be good,”

Her hands reached out for him but no matter how pretty she was – all pathetic and whiny and needy for him to touch her and kiss her and hold her in his arms – God he wanted this all so much. He wanted to grab her and tell her he loved her. But he couldn’t. This was all clearly carnal pleasure. His sweet little girl. He stuck a finger back in and began moving in gentle thrusts, looking for that sweet spongy spot inside of her that he was going to use to bring orgasm after orgasm out of her. After today she was going to forget all about Levi. After today, the only name she’d know how to scream would be his.

She let out a sweet whimper and her thighs shook when he finally found that spongy spot inside of her. He smirked. “There she is,” He stuck another finger in. Both his fingers were so big, so thick and large, he was reaching that spot inside of her that she never could, and he was doing it effortlessly. His little girl, wrapped around his fingers. He increased the pace, brushing against that spot again, and again, till he was hitting on it and she all but screamed.

Nathalie brought a hand to her mouth to muffle herself. She was naked and he, still fully clothed. A hand, gripping powerfully on her lithe thighs, keeping her legs parted whilst he finger-fucked her. It felt so good. So fucking good she was about to cum. She was so close, the coil in her stomach tightening up whilst he pumped his large fingers into her, hitting on that spot over and over, driving her insane. Lewd wet sounds came from her pretty pussy. He wondered how she tasted, but he wasn’t going to try it yet.

“No,” He stopped, and she just about started crying. She hiccupped as he pulled his fingers out of her and his hand reached for her own, grabbing it and pushing it away from her mouth. He pinned her wrist on the level of her head as he leaned down to look at her. “Did I say you could cum?”

“Please, please, daddy, I- I was so close- Ah!”

He slapped her cunt again and she let out another cry. Eyes shut tightly and her body shook. “But I didn’t say you could cum, did I?”

She trembled beneath him and she bit her lip, quieting down her whimpers. “N- No…”

“You only do what I say, Nathalie,” His other hand found her throat, squeezing. He didn’t cut her airflow, but he sure as hell let her know that he could. He could choke her to death right now if he felt like it. “You only do what I want you to do. You’re mine. You’re all mine,”

I love you. And the thought of her having slept with some other man was driving him insane. She was his. His. Mine. He let go of her throat and found her cheek, her parted lips. He stuck a thumb into her sweet mouth, and she sucked on the digit so obediently. He didn’t have to say a word. He smirked.

“Good girl,”

Erwin stood back up on his feet and his hands reached for the black leather belt that held his trousers fastened. He was still dressed. Still wearing his white shirt even though it was wrinkled all over now and messy. She wanted him to take it off. She wanted to touch him. She wanted to trace his chest, his torso, and kiss him all over. But he wasn’t going to allow her, was he? And even now, he pulled his pants just enough to pull his cock out. A shiver ran down her spine just to the look of it. Big and veiny and thick. He was so hard, he couldn’t remember the last time he had been so desperate. A drop of precum already on the tip that he smeared all around his length.

He caught her legs and brought their crotches together. His hard cock hit on her belly, reaching the level of her stomach. She knew what he was doing. He was showing her how deep inside her he was going to be. She was practically salivating.

“Fuck…” Nathalie threw her head back and her hand reached for his throbbing member. She took him in her hand. So big and warm, and perfect. He groaned as she wrapped her fingers around him, and he fucked her fist with a few slow thrusts. He hooked her legs on his shoulders and he pressed the tip to her small wet hole. He started to push in and the first sting of the stretch shot through her nerves. “I- It’s not going to fit, daddy…” She tightened her legs around him. “…s’ big… daddy’s cock’s s’ big, can’t take it…”

She became a babbling mess. He wanted to let out a chuckle, but she was so tight around him, and he had only stuck the tip in. “Of course, you can take it,” He pressed a kiss on her wonderful leg. “You’re my good girl… daddy’s good girl who can take everything I give her,” He pushed further in, stretching her out and she let out a loud painful wail. A sob erupted from her throat when he bottomed out. His fat cock pressed snuggly against her cervix. She had never felt so full in her entire life. She had only ever been with one man and now Erwin, her second, and last. He was going make sure he was her only man from this day forth. His sweet girl.

Erwin leaned down to her and wiped the tears from her cheeks. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, and she buried her face in his neck. She let out another heart-wrenching sob and he allowed her to clutch on him. And he hated how he loved each second of it. How she clutched on him like a touch-starved baby and her fingers tightened around his shirt. How she buried her face in his neck and breathed hard. He knew this wasn’t her first time, but he still hoped he hadn’t hurt her somehow.

“My sweet girl,” He mumbled against her ear. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?” He pulled back, cupping her cheek, and examining her face.

She gave him a sweet smile instead and she shook her head. “No, it’s just…” I love you. But it would be foolish of her to say it right away, wouldn’t it? Even though, she had waited for years for this moment. But maybe, she shouldn’t rush into anything. She knew this man. He wouldn’t say it back. “…can you take your shirt off? P- Please…?”

He had tried to resist it. Too much contact was going to prove troublesome because he was a touch-starved man. But maybe for once he could allow himself to feel her. Just for her.

Erwin unbuttoned his shirt and she helped him slip it down his shoulders. He tossed the useless piece of fabric on the bed beside her, and her arms found his chest, his shoulders, his perfectly refined torso. She traced each part of him with her tender fingers. He was a sight to behold. Scars scattered here and there – souvenirs from excessive training and Expeditions to remind him what he’d been through. She had similar scars as well. They weren’t so different after all.

Nathalie reached up and pressed kisses on his chest, the scars that he had there, and then she reached lower, not leaving part of him untouched. A groan erupted from his throat, and he cursed himself because he hadn’t silenced himself fast enough. He had never been so exposed in his life. He couldn’t let her keep kissing him like that. He couldn’t allow it because she was only dragging him deeper into the trap of loving her.

That logical voice inside his mind was begging him. Stop her. Stop her. Do something. But he couldn’t do anything. Her kisses her touches, her fingers in his hair. It all was so, so good. He was in heaven, and he was asking himself to rush out of it and lock the entrance. How the hell was he supposed to do that? He had closed his eyes, burying his face in her hair. Their bodies, joined at last. He had dreamed of this moment for so long.

He caught her hair and pulled her head back, forcing her lips to his own. He kissed her harder than he ever had, but it wasn’t all about lust this time. No. This time he had to convey everything he felt for her in just one kiss – because he was never going to kiss her like that again. He wasn’t going to allow himself to ever pour so much emotion into one kiss again, and he sure as hell was never going to allow himself to put it into words. I love you.

And it felt like it. The way he kissed her and locked their tongues in the sweetest dance. He left her dizzy when he pulled back. The way he looked at her after that kiss. His eyes on her own. The gentlest look she had ever seen in those eyes. Her beloved man. He loved her. She could feel it in the way his heart was beating atop her own. He was never going to put it into words, was he?

But this had to be enough.

He wrapped an arm around her, bringing her closer to him as she wrapped her legs around his waist and she nodded at him – his sign to resume their lovemaking. And it was wrong. He wasn’t fucking her like he had planned to. It was supposed to be a quick, mind-blowing fuck that was going to leave her passed out and bruised for the rest of the day. But he wasn’t doing that. He was making love to her, and it was wrong, because he was making her fall for him.

But he couldn’t help it. Her soft gasps and moans and whines with each slow thrust were the sweetest sounds. Her sweet cunt was fluttering around him with every thrust, and soft movement of his tip against her sweet spot. It was a miracle she hadn’t cum on the spot.

“Please, harder, daddy…” She mewled. “…please, please…”

He needed no further prompting. He sat back on his knees and caught her legs, supporting them around him, and he started driving hard into her. His cock made a bulge in her belly with every single thrust. It drove him insane. He wanted to cum right into her. He wanted to fill her up with his warm seed till it was oozing out of her abused, swollen cunt. He wanted to ruin her for everyone else but himself. And she screamed, and it was exactly what he wanted. He wanted the entire Scouts to hear her screaming his name.

His sweet little girl that he manhandled with such ease.

He was ruining her. Slamming into her with such force, fucking her in the mattress as if she was nothing but a cocksleeve. She loved each second of it. She couldn’t make a coherent thought. His hand found her mouth, forcing three fingers in that she sucked on obediently and weakly.

“Be a good girl and cum all over daddy’s cock, hmm?”

And she did just that. Such a good girl coming on command. He didn’t even have to train her. She was his obedient little girl already. Her warm wetness spilled all over his cock and her entire body arched. She let out a scream that he muffled with the palm of his hand. And even when she reached her high, he didn’t let her crumble down from it. He was still slamming into her. His pace never faltering but she couldn’t take another orgasm. She needed a break. She needed to catch her breath. Her nerves were on fire.

“D- Daddy, please, I- I can’t cum again… please, ‘s too much, too much…”

“There’s no such thing as too much for a greedy cunt like yours,” His hand let go of her face and reached down to where their bodies were joined. His thumb found her clit, grazing it in fast circles matching his animalistic pace. Her body tensed.

“Ah! Fuck, daddy, please!”

“You’re gonna be a good girl and cum again,”

She was still mumbling pleas, but he wasn’t having it. He was bruising her spot with every single rough thrust. She had no idea how she would be able to walk for the rest of the day. And maybe she wouldn’t. Maybe she’d pass out after this, but she loved it. He was using her as his personal little cockslut. He didn’t give a single fuck whether she could handle it or not – and somehow this very thought pushed her over the edge again.

She came hard with another scream. Her sweet cunt clamping down on his pumping cock as he abused her spot through her high and he pulled out of her with a grunt. He pumped himself till he came all over her belly. Thick, hot ropes of cum painted all over her heaving stomach. He had wanted to cum inside of her. He wanted it so much to watch her carry his kids. Alas, he couldn’t have that. He couldn’t tell her he loved her – he couldn’t tell her he wanted everything with her. But it still felt good. His cum on her white skin, his mark on her. She was his now. All his.

He cleaned her up with a clean rag that he had kept nearby, and he zipped his pants back on. Erwin wrapped his belt around his waist again and put on his white shirt. He leaned down to her and cupped her face. She had passed out. He felt a sense of pride and at the same time, worry. But she was breathing. She was alright.

He chuckled as he gathered her limp, weak body in his arms and settled her properly on the bed, covering her beneath the blankets. He had gotten too hard on his fragile little girl, but it was alright.

Daddy was going to take good care of her now.

Chapter 23: Lost

Notes:

THANK U SO MUCH FOR YOUR COMMENTS 🥰🥰🥰

She was sore all over. Nathalie could tell that she was lying down on the bed. The warm blankets were thrown on top of her and the light coming from the window was dim. She sighed heavily. She had just lost the entire day, hadn’t she? What was it with Erwin coming to her out of nowhere, to drag her in his office and fuck her senseless?

She wasn’t complaining. That was the best fuck she had ever had. He had taken her so hard, so fast.  And his cock was so big, so fucking big and she had no idea how it had fitted inside her small body. But it would explain why she was sore. Her neck her chest, wherever she traced her fingers. She didn’t even want to know how she looked in the mirror. She didn’t even want to test whether she could walk or not. She probably couldn’t.

Nathalie pushed the bedsheets off of her naked body and she tried to stand up. Her wobbly legs gave up on her and she crashed back on the bed. “Fuck,” She cursed beneath her breath. Her hand reached for her glasses that rested on the nightstand. She put them on, her vision finally clear. She could hardly close her legs together.

Nathalie thought of calling out to him for help, but he wasn’t there, was he? He was probably working, either attending a meeting or doing paperwork. Either way, she didn’t want to trouble him. Nathalie stood up and limped her way to the shower. She allowed the cold water to wash away her tiredness. She hadn’t worked all day, but she could work tonight – all night.

After a thorough shower, she walked out with a towel around her, in search of clothes. She found her ruined shirt, and all the buttons that he had torn off of her placed all gathered on a furniture. She sighed. She had to get that fixed. And then she looked at herself in the mirror. She cringed. It almost looked like she had been stepped on by a carriage. She had marks everywhere. Her neck and her chest were littered in all kinds of red angry shapes. Not to mention the imprints of his fingers on her hips. Dark purple bruises that she was both awestruck and scared by. He hadn’t held back one bit.

And she didn’t want him to.

It was 5 pm. It was at this hour that all Scouts either retreated to their quarters or their homes, or the dorms. Erwin was content to know he had nothing else to attend to for today. He was already planning the next Expedition and it always took him a heavy load of paperwork before every Expedition. He ran his hand through his hair, messing the golden locks even more. A few reached his forehead as he set another button of his white shirt loose.

He heard the familiar sound of a door opening. It was the door that led to his bedroom – now, their bedroom and she walked in the office. He hadn’t yet taken his eyes off of the paperwork. It was clearly far more important than her, but she didn’t mind. Nathalie approached close enough.

“I took the liberty of using your shirt for now…” She said and he finally granted her his attention. “…since a very needy man ruined mine,” She teased.

Erwin found himself speechless. It certainly wasn’t the first time a beautiful woman was wearing one of his shirts, but now, it was this woman. And this woman was perfect. She had messy, damp brown hair, a lock dropping on her forehead as she trapped it behind her ear. His shirt was so huge on her, it was almost a mini, baggy dress enveloping her small body, reaching just above her knees. Bright blue eyes stared at him behind her nerdy, circular glasses, and she did nothing to hide his marks on her neck.

He wanted to have her right this instant. He wanted to pull his shirt up her body and find that she was wearing nothing beneath. But Erwin’s restraint was powerful as ever. He nodded at a certain direction in the room.

“This box over there. Open it up,” He said and she turned and looked at the couch that faced his office.

There was indeed a large, rectangular box. Nathalie bit her lip and approached it, she only hoped he wasn’t about to hand her some expensive gifts to thank her for allowing him to fuck her senseless today. If that was the case, she noted to herself that she was going to punch him in the face.

And that was the case exactly.

At first, her brain hardwired when she opened the box and revealed a dress. It was a dark red, all velvet dress with a sweetheart neckline, an exposed back, and sleeves that seemed like they would reach her elbows. She pulled it up to unfold it and look at it properly. God, it was beautiful. She had never even imagined wearing something like that. Nathalie never cared about looks in the first place and not mention that anything other than plain long skirts and plain shirts was expensive as hell. How much had he even paid for that?

And admittedly, her reaction was priceless. Her lips, agape, and her eyes glistened in surprise as she looked at it. “E- Erwin…” She ran her eyes all over it again. “…that’s… a dress,” She said, stunned, stating the obvious but too surprised to notice it.

He chuckled. “I am aware,” He stood up and approached her.

He took the dress and he wrapped her one hand in his own, guiding her back to his bedroom, to that full body mirror that he had there. He made her stand in front of him, her body facing the mirror. The large man behind her as he brought the dress in front of her body to let her know how she was going to look in it. His breath brushed against her ear as he leaned close and marvelled at the amazement in her eyes. For once in her life, she could almost deem herself… beautiful. No. That’s stupid. If she needed pretty dresses to look beautiful, then she wasn’t beautiful at all anyway.

“You’re going to look ravishing in it,” He spoke against her ear. His warm breath brushed down the back of her neck and she shivered.

She had to snap out of it. There was obviously a reason why he had bought her this. He couldn’t have bought it just to thank her for allowing him to use her, right? Their relationship wasn’t like that, was it? She didn’t want it to be. He could buy her the prettiest dresses and jewellery that would make her look like a fucking Goddess, but she didn’t want any of it if it was just a form of payment. She was letting him fuck her and bruise her and use her because she wanted to.

She did it because she loved him, not because she wanted his pretty gifts.

She turned to look at him. She didn’t want to be ungrateful. She just needed to know the reason. “W- Why? E- Erwin, this must have been so expensive, you shouldn’t be spending money like that on me-”

“Shh,” His thumb found her pretty lips, hushing her. “The King’s Anniversary is next week, and I’m afraid all high-ranking Military officers and their partners are to attend,” He brought the dress up. “And you’re going to wear this, and I expect you to look pretty in it,”

Nathalie bit her lip, and her cheeks grew a bright red right away. I expect you to look pretty in it. For the first time in her life, she was actually going to put some effort in her looks. She was going to doll herself up for a man – something that she always thought to be so stupid. But even a Burgess could do something stupid for the man who owned her heart and had no idea. But she couldn’t disappoint Erwin. She couldn’t disappoint this man. It was physically impossible to deliver something to him that was anything less than perfect.

She took the dress from his hand and folded it perfectly. “Yes, sir. Whatever you want,” She nodded obediently, and he had to use every spec of restraint in him to not ruin her right this instant, in front of this very mirror. Sir. The way she called him that. The way she rubbed her thighs together and he pretended to not see it. The way she bit her lip and looked up at him like a lost little girl.

He brushed his large thumb across her lower, puffy lip. “Good girl,” He whispered huskily against her lips as he looked down at her small figure. “And something else,” He snapped himself out of it. Erwin walked towards a certain drawer in a piece of furniture, and he drew out another box. This one was a dark blue, and velvet. He opened it, revealing a golden necklace and her eyes widened. She touched it with her fingers. It was cold. She lifted it up. It was heavy.

“E- Erwin, t- this is pure gold, y- you shouldn’t have spent so much on me, please, darling,”

He took it from her hand and walked behind her. “Nonsense,” He passed it around her neck as he pulled her hair to the side, and he turned her to look back in the mirror. “No woman of mine wears anything less than gold,” He wrapped an arm around her waist, and he pressed his lips on a tender spot right beneath her ear. “I expect you to wear that too,”

No woman of mine wears anything less than gold. Nathalie bit her lip. She was completely ignoring how gorgeous that necklace looked on her white neck. All she could focus on was his words. Woman of mine. She wanted this. She wanted to be his so much and she didn’t give a fuck about that pretty dress and the pretty necklace, or how expensive it all was. She’d love him the same without them. She’d love him the same even if he was some poor, roofless man in the streets.

She turned her head over her shoulder and looked back up at him. Her eyes met his lips. She wanted him to kiss her. She wanted him to kiss her the same way he had done a few hours ago, when their bodies were first joined and he had wrapped his arms around her, and he gave her the sweetest, most passionate kiss she had ever had in her life. She wanted it. He knew she wanted it. But he couldn’t. Instead, he pecked her lips and withdrew his arms from around her.

Erwin was heading back to his office before she knew it. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to resume my work,” He said curtly and he walked out of the room right away before she even got the chance to say a word.

Nathalie stood there with her lips parted and a cold golden necklace around her neck. What was wrong again? Was he going to pull back again until he’d feel the next day the need to fuck her?

She felt a shiver ran down her spine as she turned and looked back in the mirror. She took off that golden necklace and placed it back in its case. No woman of mine wears anything less than gold. Did that mean that she was his woman? Did he mean that? Had he fallen for her? Was that even possible?

No. She knew Erwin. She knew everything about him. She knew how he’d react to whatever she’d tell him, but this? She had no idea what he was going to do with this – whatever it was that they had. She loved him. She truly did and had done for so long. But she was always unable to imagine – to calculate how he’d deal with a relationship.

He’d probably sleep with a woman for a few nights. Buy her pretty gifts before kicking her out of his life after he’d be done finding a use for her. But it wasn’t like that with Nathalie… was it?

Nathalie shook her head. Of course, it’s not like that. She wasn’t just any woman to him. She was his one and only constant. She had known him ever since he was a ten-year-old boy. They had played together. They were on the same school in all the years they were little. They’d study in each other’s homes. He wouldn’t kick her out of his life like he had possibly done with every other woman he had brought to his bed, would he?

Nathalie slipped right into her clothes again and she hurried out of the bedroom and eventually out of his office. “I need to work,” She said curtly and she didn’t even know whether he had heard or not – he probably hadn’t. He probably didn’t care. Fine. She rushed back to the laboratory, and she got back to work. Even Hange and Moblit weren’t there at this hour and they both would usually stay overtime – especially Hange. Nathalie just sat down and brought her notebooks and her pencil. She lit up an oil lamp and began scribbling down.

She had brought all three of her handkerchiefs for the blood that she was inevitably going to cough up. But she never really cared. She had made peace with the fact that she was never going to find a cure in the first place. She had made peace that she was going to die in eleven years, and that was why she had to use all of that precious time to pass over to Paradis all the knowledge that they didn’t have. Erwin was keeping it all classified for now. Nobody knew about it except himself and a select few in the Scouts.

She had to think. Titans. Titans come from humans. Titan Spinal Fluid is a protein that works as a transcription factor that activates the Eldian Titan genes. Okay, this all made sense. If she found something, that could dissolve that transcription factor, then it would deactivate the titan genes… this is how I will be able to turn a titan back into a human. Her eyes widened. This could be the solution to everything.

“The Eldian People’s genome is double in size. The half of it are the genes that come from Ymir the Founder,”

There must be a different element in the titan genes. If I find that different element, then I could figure out a solution that targets it. I could figure out something that is going to dissolve the titan genes altogether.

That was the only way. Even if she turned a titan back into human, her work would be useless if that human can just as easily turn back into a titan. No. I need to erase the titan genes. All of them. That was the only way to save the Eldian people, but how was she going to do it? She was planning on recombination of DNA on a multicellular organism, and that was insane. They didn’t have fucking electricity, there was no way she was ever going to get to achieve something like that.

Maybe I won’t, because she only had eleven years and there was no way for a cure. There was no way that eleven years were enough for Paradis to establish electricity and technology and reach the standards of the world. But they will. She believed in Hange and Moblit.

Nathalie pulled her pencil in her hands and she started writing down her plan. She wrote everything step by step. She wrote down how to conduct laboratory techniques that nobody knew about. She knew things no one had even imagined. She did feel lonely. When Hange and Moblit would read the things she’d write down and it would take them hours to understand – the only two people who always understood her, even her crazy biology theories, but not these. None of that outsider information.

But it was alright. She explained everything thoroughly – even a toddler would be able to comprehend the most complex titan biology fundamentals. She made sure of it. She wasn’t going to be there to guide them, but this notebook of hers, she would have left behind.

I have a plan.

Chapter 24: Loss

Erwin’s headache was only growing. He had been reading Nathalie’s previous notebooks. She had been filling the fourth one at this point. She said she had to work, so he guessed she was in the labs. She had left so fast, he hadn’t gotten the chance to offer her to stay and work with him.

“In the nights, if she’s still in the lab, you should check on her every three or four hours. She tends to take it too far with her disease,”

But if she had stayed in the office and shared the desk with him, he would be able to keep an eye on her whilst doing his paperwork simultaneously. Now he had to stand up, abandon his paperwork for more than five minutes and he had to find her and check up on her. She was like a fucking toddler when it came to her health – somebody had to look after her.

Erwin didn’t have time for this.

He sighed heavily as he finished fast another report and he stood up, abandoning his pen in the pot of ink. He walked out of his office. It was late in the night. Nathalie must have been working for more than five hours already. It was around 2am in the morning at this point. Erwin had to find her and take her to bed so that he could resume his paperwork and mission-planning in peace.

Erwin almost hated himself for making such thoughts. He hated himself because he was supposed to look forward to taking care of her. He was supposed to look forward to tucking her to bed and holding her and kissing her – he didn’t have time for any of that. He didn’t have time for a relationship.

Was this even a relationship? He had no idea what it was. He had no idea what he wanted from her. He wanted her to be there for him, and at the same time, he couldn’t do the same for her, and he was feeling guilty for that. He only wished this was all over sooner than he had calculated. He wished that the time that he’d have no job and no wars to fight, and no burdens on his shoulders – he wished for this all to come faster.

He wanted to spend every second he had beside her, holding her, telling her he loved her, but he couldn’t do that. Reading the truth about the outside world that she had openhandedly delivered to them was proof that this war was never going to end. He was never going to get the peace that he desired. He was never going to get the life that he wanted with her. Or at least, he wouldn’t live to see it. He was going to die, or she was going to die. And he couldn’t tell her he loved her because this war would inevitably get between them one day, and if he told her he loved her, it was going to hurt when it did.

So for now, he told himself to not look forward to taking care of her. To not look forward to holding her, kissing her, taking her. That that fuck that they had was just a fuck that meant nothing. That kiss that he had given her – he had already erased from his mind. He had to push her away and never look forward for circumstances that were going to push them closer to each other.

There was a war. A quiet war of outside nations tossing titans at them as if they were cattle, and he was planning the next Expedition, and he didn’t want to think of what was going to happen to it. He didn’t want to think of how he’d feel when the day of that Expedition came – and all the Expeditions to come, because in one of those days, she could die. He could die. They were going to lose each other today, or tomorrow, or some other day in this war. And he just couldn’t have that.

Erwin reached the labs. There was a faint light coming from the cracked open door. She was still inside. He walked in and he found her just as he had found her a few nights back, passed out on the desk. She hadn’t passed out from tiredness. No, she had slept thoroughly today, she had passed out from the blood loss. She indeed took it too far with her disease – as Levi had said. Erwin’s eyes softened as he approached her and spotted all three of handkerchiefs laid on the desk in front of her. All three of them drenched in blood. Blood lingered on her nostrils and the corners of her lips as well. She had passed out on what looked like a letter. She had closed it with a wax Survey Corps stamp.

He turned it around to see for whom that letter was addressed to. From the looks of it, it contained one of her small notebooks inside.

To: Hange Zoe & Moblit Berner

To be opened in 856

They were on the year 845. That was exactly eleven years later.

“The Burgesses were a noble family that the first King created to be his scientists a- and doctors and researchers. It turns out they can pass down knowledge through their memories to the future generations, but there’s this… price… I’ve got… eleven years left,”

No. What could that possibly mean? A letter to opened in eleven years from now. A letter addressed to Hange and Moblit. Was this a goodbye letter? But she said she was going to work on it. She was going to find a cure, she said she was close. She said she needed the titan spinal fluid. She said that’s all she needed, and she was going to be okay. Maybe she had figured it all out, but she had made no cure. No all-wound-healing serum that was going to save her life. If she had, she wouldn’t have passed out right now. She wouldn’t be covered in blood right now, would she?

“It’s… rude to… fumble through a lady’s stuff,” Nathalie spoke hoarsely as she lifted her head off her arm that it had been resting on and she took the letter from his hands, placing it aside. He had sat beside her on the long wooden bench.

“You’re not planning to come up with a cure for yourself, are you?” Erwin asked. He noticed her searching for a spare handkerchief in the pockets of her skirt, but she found none.

“May I… borrow your… handkerchief, please?” She looked exhausted even though she had slept a lot today. This thing had drained her.

She had ignored his question and she had done it on purpose. She didn’t want to speak about it, did she? She didn’t want to speak about the fact that she had sentenced herself to death without telling him anything. Without telling anything to anyone. For all he knew, she was possibly doing it on purpose. For all he knew, she might have even wanted to die in eleven years from now. And there he was, beating himself up, worrying about losing her in case he told her he loved her whilst she had made the decision herself. No, she didn’t get to decide when she was going to die when she was so important to him. He would get to decide when she was going to die. She was going to die old, by his side, surrounded by the family they would have built by then. Yes.

He wrapped his arms around her tightly and he dragged her closer to him harshly. She let out a gasp at the sudden movement. His arms around her were so tight, digging his fingers in her shirt, her skin.

“You had it all planned, hadn’t you? You’ve chosen to die in eleven years, but you were never going to tell me, weren’t you?” Erwin growled. He was mad. He was furious. The very reason that he was choosing to toss his heart into the gutter and never tell her how much he loved her was because one day he was going to lose her – or she was going to lose him, and then she chose death over him? How selfish, how frustrating. His grip further tightened around her. She let out another gasp. It hurt. “Tell me, Nathalie! You were going to let yourself die, is that it?!”

“I can’t find a cure!” Nathalie finally cried out.

She let out a wince and pressed her hands on his chest to push him away, but he didn’t budge. And it was then that he realised that he had been holding her so tight. That his fingers were digging painfully on her sides, on her ribs. He loosened his grip right away. He couldn’t believe he had let his anger get the best of him and react like this. He had hurt her.

I can’t find a cure. No way. There was no way that she couldn’t come up with something. There was no way. She was brilliant, she said she was close to finding something. She said that the titan spinal fluid was all she needed, and she was going to be alright. She had said so.

Erwin knew exactly what was going on. He was terrified. He was terrified to lose her, that’s why he had overreacted like this. Whether he told her he loved her or not – whether they professed their feelings for each other or not, the result was the same. He was already terrified. His anger, his fright, unending. He snapped out of it by the unceremonious way that her head landed on his chest. She closed her eyes and let out a deep sigh. She needed somewhere to lean on, and even though next morning she was going to find bruises on her waist caused by the very man she was leaning onto, she still needed somewhere to lean on.

If he couldn’t admit he loved her, then he could at least just be there. That’s all she could ask and he could give.

Erwin’s arms found their way around her waist once more. He brought her close, caging her in his warm arms as she nuzzled in his chest and her hands found his shirt, holding onto him. Erwin buried his face in her hair and drew in her scent and closed his eyes at the instant relief she brought him. She was like the sweetest drug. She hurt him, and he went back to her. And he was the same for her. He had most definitely just bruised her, but she was nesting in his arms anyway. She was his sweet little girl. She would always come back to him.

I can’t find a cure.

Erwin gritted his teeth as he pressed his chin on top of her hair. “I can’t let you die,” He confessed – which was so very selfish of him. He had already let countless of friends die in the jaws of titans, under his very own leadership. But not her. Erwin had never felt so vulnerable in his life.

“I know… what I have to do,” Nathalie spoke weakly against his chest. She pressed her cheek down on his white shirt. Her eyes remained closed. “I just can’t do anything with what I have here. I need devices that… I’ll never find on this island, Erwin,” She pulled back to look at him. “But you will. Maybe not today or… tomorrow or… in eleven years, but you will once you fulfil all of your successful plans and kill all titans on this island and rid our people from this torment-”

“Nathalie, please-”

“You said you won’t be able to save all Eldians without me,” Nathalie gave him a soft smile, and her bright blue eyes were so beautiful on his own. “You’re rarely ever wrong, my love, and this is one of those… rare times,” Her hand reached for the folder, and she handed it to him. “Give this to Hange and Moblit when the right time comes. They’ll know what to do,”

He took the folder and placed it aside. Erwin took out his handkerchief and wiped the blood off her face for her. She closed her eyes and leaned to his touch. After he was done with her nostrils, he reached for her lips. Parted and pink and plump. He kissed her. He kissed her sweet and gentle and she melted right in, and he tasted her blood on her tongue and then the realisation hit him.

He was going to lose her, no matter what he’d do.

Chapter 25: The Commander's Girl Pt. 1

Notes:

Thank you so much for your comments!!! I've also attached a drawing I made of Nat later on in this chapter, hope you like it!!!

The next morning, he wasn’t beside her like every other morning. Nathalie woke up early. His side of the bed, empty as it always was, even though, she remembered him lying down beside her the night before and holding her till she fell asleep. He must have been working on paperwork – it was too early for a meeting, only 7 am. Nathalie stood up and took a quick shower and got dressed. She headed for the labs. She didn’t feel like eating anything, even though her stomach growled hungrily.

Nathalie went back to work in the lab. She found Moblit and Hange there, carefully reading her notebooks, ready to ask questions about those aspects of biology that the people behind the walls hadn’t yet discovered. Nathalie was more than willing to explain. She had to prepare them to be able to do what she had planned out for them to do.

And it went on like this for a while. The days passed fast, and Erwin didn’t touch her at all. Even though they were living together, and he was making sure she was resting well, carrying her in the nights from the labs to their bed. He wouldn’t join her in the nights. He’d prefer spending his nights on top of his desk. In the mornings he was always missing. He said he had work to do in and meetings to attend in Wall Sheena.

Nathalie didn’t blame him for anything. He was a busy man, she had always known it would be like this if they got to be together. She would only see him in the afternoons when he’d dive right into his paperwork. Nathalie started abandoning the habit of working some extra hours in the afternoon. She stayed with him instead to help him with his paperwork and give him some company. She would make him tea and bring something for him to eat. He would thank her, and a few hours later he’d tell her that she had to go to sleep.

She always listened to him, but he never joined her even when she’d ask him to. Nathalie finished another long day of research and explaining stuff to Hange and brainstorming with her two scientist friends.

Nathalie opened the door of Erwin’s office. She had a tray in her one hand with two cups of steaming hot tea and two slices of one of her delicious cakes. A soft smile spread on Erwin’s lips. He knew he shouldn’t be enjoying her presence. He knew he shouldn’t be smiling at the thought of her being there and always making sure he ate properly and had a cup of her delicious tea in the afternoons. But he couldn’t help it. His sweet little girl, always trying to make his reality better. And maybe that’s all that he wanted from her.

She had a smile on her lips. She was wearing that dark blue skirt this time. It was an ankle-length like all her other skirts, and she had that white shirt on top, only two buttons she had let loose. Her nerdy circular glasses rested at the tip of her nose, and she pushed them further up with a delicate finger. She placed the tray on a blank spot on his desk. Even though he was focused on his paperwork, he could tell each of her moves.

She had a soft smile on her face when he finally looked up. She placed his cup of tea closer to him. “Thank you, Nathalie,” He gave her a small smile before he returned back to his paperwork.

“Aw, it’s nothing,” Nathalie waved it off with a sweet giggle as she walked around his desk and stood behind him. Despite his efforts to avoid touching her, and kissing her, and sleeping by her side in the nights, she chased after him. She always looked for a chance to touch him, and kiss him, even if it was just a peck on his lips, or her arm in his own.

And now, she wrapped her arms around him from behind his chair. Tender fingers found his chest and she buried her face in the crook of his neck from behind. She pressed a gentle kiss beneath his ear and Erwin closed his eyes momentarily. He was exhausted, and her touch and her sweet kisses were the only things he wanted right now.

“Do you need any help?” Nathalie pressed a kiss on his cheek and rested her own cheek on his temple. She looked down at the orders that he had been validating with his signature at the bottom right corner of all papers.

“I won’t work anymore tonight,” Erwin said and her eyes widened. It was 5pm there was no way he wasn’t going to work till 2 am. He always stayed up for too long. He noticed the silence that followed and the surprised look on her face. He grinned. “You forgot about today, didn’t you?”

She looked down at that mischievous grin that he had on his face, and she bit her lip. She chuckled awkwardly. “Was there anything… that I had to do today???”

 Of course, she had forgotten. He expected nothing less from her. Events and gatherings and parties and festivals – Nathalie was never present in any of those things. She always said they were a waste of her time. And she was right. She was absolutely right, he felt the same, but he was obligated.

“The King’s Anniversary,” He reminded her and her eyes widened.

“How much time do I have to get prepared?!” Nathalie asked. She tensed up. I expect you to look pretty, he had told her. She could not let him down.

He smirked at her immediate stress. “About an hour,”

“AN HOUR?!” Nathalie rushed back to their bedroom. Erwin let out a chuckle and took a sip from the delectable tea.

She had to take a shower and for once in her life she had to put some effort into her looks. She used the entire hour. Erwin didn’t really have to put anything fancy. He was already in his white shirt and white pants. All he had to do was wrap his emerald bolo tie around his neck and put on his green Survey Corps coat.

So, he kept working trying to finish as many papers as he could before departing and wasting his precious night on something that wasn’t really worth it.

“Erwin?” Her voice came after a while.

“Yes?”

“I… I’m ready…” not really.

Erwin looked up and the only thing she stuck out of the entrance of their bedroom was her head. She was hiding the rest of herself behind the wall. He arched an eyebrow. A smile of amusement spread on his lips. That was the first time he had ever seen a trace of makeup on her face. Blood-red lips and thickened eyelashes. And this was also the first time her hair was anything but a mess. Nathalie didn’t have to do much to look beautiful. Her messy her and bitten lips and plainness in the way she dressed and behaved and looked like – it was all of it that made her beautiful. She didn’t need makeup and a pretty dress to make him or anyone else fall.

But he had never seen her dressed and dolled up to perfection. And he wanted to see the rest of her, but she wasn’t really allowing herself to walk out to him. Only her face.

“Is that so?” Erwin asked with a smile of utter amusement.

She bit her puffy lip. “Actually no… I- I- I don’t think I can wear this. I- I- It’s showing too much. C- C- Can I just not come, please??? I- I- It’s totally alright, I- I- I’ll be totally fine here,” She nodded her head frantically. She was panicking, he could tell. That red tinge on her cheeks was definitely not makeup. It was her own flushed cheeks that must have felt so hot to the touch.

Erwin’s smile only grew. What the hell was he supposed to do with this woman? This wonderful, brilliant, perfect woman, who had no idea how gorgeous she was. Always so insecure. Always wanting to stay in the shadows because it was much more comfortable there. She’d have less people to interact with, less eyes to look on her. She never put any effort to her appearance, and now that she did, and realised she was actually capable of looking good, she was terrified. She didn’t want men staring at her. She didn’t want to leave a stamp in some man’s mind. The only man that she wanted to stare at her was Erwin, but if she walked out like this, it wasn’t going to be just him.

Nathalie knew her value. She knew her body did not deserve to be stared upon by many people. She would give her body to just one man because anything more than that would be herself kicking her self-esteem and morals out of the window. She wanted to get back into her long, long, long skirts. Her long-sleeved shirts that for such occasions she would button all the way up to her neck and ignore how suffocating all those buttons could be. She never cared, she found solace in hiding behind the fabrics of her plainness.

And this dress, however beautiful it made her, was going against it all. It was pushing her out of her comfort zone, and she hated it. She just had to hide her body. It just felt safer this way.

“How about you let me see you, and I deem whether it shows too much or not?” Erwin offered.

He knew that ‘it shows too much’ for Nathalie could mean that it was exposing at least half her arm. He chuckled. Maybe her mother was right whenever she said
‘Nathalie has a bad habit of dressing like a nun. She’ll never get married if she keeps it up like this!’ Grace always worried that Nathalie might end up alone, but she had no idea that even plainly dressed, Nathalie had made two men fall in love with her.

Nathalie didn’t know it herself.

She bit her lip a little harsher and she finally stepped out fully for him to see her. Erwin’s little smirk disappeared and his eyes nearly popped out of his skull. She was absolutely ravishing and the closer she approached him, the more perfect she looked. Her cheeks were an even brighter red now as she tried her best to look anywhere but him. Suddenly the floor was very interesting to look at. Her fingers continued fidgeting with the smooth fabric of her velvet dress.

Her chest looked absolutely delicious. It had been a week since the last time he had painted her white skin in his marks. Now everything was fully gone. Not a single mark left. Her skin was perfect, milky white. Her breasts were pressed back by her bra and the dress on top complimented her soft mounts. Her sleeves reached her elbows, and her hair were set in perfect waves, one of them landing to the right side of her forehead. His sweet little girl was gorgeous and somehow her circular, nerdy glasses made her even more perfect. Smart. Sophisticated. A Burgess indeed.

Erwin could stare at her forever, but he had to snap himself out of it. He couldn’t believe that this woman thought so low of herself when she clearly was the epitome of perfection. The way she bit her blood red lips and looked down. So shy and innocent. She was unlike any other woman he’d bought a pretty dress for. Any other woman would thank him and get on her knees and let him fuck her throat till she was gagging. And after that, she’d show off that dress and be so slutty around a room full of strangers. Nathalie couldn’t even look him in the eye. So innocent. So shy.  

She was different. Nathalie didn’t even want to come dressed like this. She didn’t even want to come to such an occasion – a party thrown in the Palace that for some people would be the greatest thing they’d do in their lives. Nathalie was willing to toss this away because showing off and being in the same room with so many high-ranked people was so beneath her. And it was. It really was. He didn’t want to go either. If he wasn’t obligated to show up, he’d fuck her in this very dress and keep her on his bed beneath him all night. And then it was that pretty, golden necklace that she had put on as per his request. It matched her gorgeous chest and wine-red dress.

She looked so perfect. His innocent little girl. She was his. She was all his. And maybe tonight he was going to ravage her like he did a few nights back. Poor babygirl was struggling with her insecurities and the dress that he had made her put on. The pretty dress that he had paid a handsome amount for. Only the best for his spoiled little princess. He was going feast on her. Fuck her like a good girl deserved to be fucked.  

Erwin stood up and put on that black dress jacket that he had thrown around the back of his chair. He buttoned up one button right in the middle of it and he approached her. He untangled her fingers from the fabric of her dress and he brought her hand up, pressing a gentle warm kiss on the back of her palm. She finally looked up at him hesitantly.

“You’re… ravishing, Nathalie,” He spoke against her hand.

Warm breath brushed down her knuckles and she finally stopped biting her lip. She parted her lips to say something, but with a swift move, he flipped her around. Her back crashed against his chest and a gasp escaped her mouth. An arm thrown around her. She let out a soft whimper when his lips found her neck, her earlobe, grazing it with his teeth. She shivered.

“If I wasn’t obligated to attend, I would fuck you in this dress right this instant,” He whispered in her ear and Nathalie bit her lip hard enough to draw blood. Damn this man. He was driving her insane. He pulled away from her before she could utter a word. She rubbed her thighs together to ease the growing heat between her legs and she ignored how she was almost trembling in need.

He headed for his tie and his Survey Corps coat and she tried to distract herself. “L- Let me,” Nathalie offered as she took the bolo tie from his hands and wrapped it around his neck. She settled it in place beneath the white shirt and fastened the tie. She had that focused look on her face that he had seen so many times before. She had lifted herself up on her tiptoes so that she could reach him. She’d always do that. He loved it. His sweet girl was so small. So adorable and innocent and his. Mine. He wrapped his arms around her waist and brought her body flushed to his own whilst she worked on his tie. Her face was gorgeous. His perfect little girl. He wanted to have her right now.  

But there was no denying how equally perfect he was. Nathalie couldn’t get her eyes off of him no matter how much she struggled. His hair was a bit messy. She pulled herself up on her tiptoes as her hands reached for his hair, settling them in place. Erwin closed his eyes for a short moment, revelling in the soft touch of her fingers in his hair, warm palms on his face. He leaned his face on her soft palm, supporting it there with his larger hand. Nathalie’s heart fluttered every time he did that. He longed for her touch more than he’d like to admit, and that was exactly why he was always avoiding it.

If he longed for her too much, he’d dive deeper into this… relationship?

Nathalie had no idea what it was that they had, but she wasn’t really looking for a word. She just needed to know whether he wanted her. That was all she wanted to know. And maybe he wouldn’t indulge with an answer to that, and it was alright. She just wanted to be with him.

“Ready?” She asked, snapping him out of it. Erwin hadn’t even realised he had closed his eyes and was leaning on her hand for longer than he should be. He opened his eyes and met her sweet smile. That soft look in her eyes. Her beautiful face. His gorgeous little girl who was always there for him. What was he supposed to do if not kiss her?

For this time, and this time only, he tossed aside the things that he should not be doing and did what he wanted. He leaned down to her and caught her sweet lips in his own. That was the first kiss he had given her ever since the day that he had first taken her. It had been a week without tasting her, depriving himself of her touches, her sweet taste, her tender lips.

And even now he kissed her sweet and tender and his arms tightened around her. Maybe he felt like thanking her for joining him to this evening. He hadn’t really given her a chance. He hadn’t given her a chance when he told her to join the Survey Corps either. He beat himself up mentally so many times for asking her to do that. She should have never joined the Survey Corps, but she was so talented. So talented and eager to do everything he asked her to do.

And when he pulled from the kiss and he cupped his cheek, she parted her lips to speak. Maybe she had to say it because she could no longer hold it back. “Erwin… I-”

“We should go,” He pressed a kiss on her open palm. “We’ll be late,”

And he had withdrawn his arms from around her before she knew it.

Chapter 26: The Commander's Girl Pt. 2 🟥

Notes:

Thank you so much for the support! This chapter is 🥵🥵 hope you like it! And yet another drawing I made, didn't get the time to make the background lmao and ofc I didn't draw the faces CUZ THAT'S JUST DIFFICULT dnjkhfjkds

The ride to Wall Sheena wasn’t very long. Nathalie was staring at the city lights as they passed through with the carriage. She nuzzled further into her black coat and rested her temple to the wall of the carriage. Erwin was sitting across from her. Admittedly, he couldn’t take his eyes off of her. Even when she leaned on the window and closed her eyes and let out a heavy sigh. He arched an eyebrow.

“Tired?”

She shook her head. “Dizzy,”

His eyes almost widened, but he shook his worries away immediately. Like himself, she had been working all day, but the consequences of working for her weren’t just tiredness, but it was killing her as well. And she was only reminding him of that. He had spent the past week trying to forget about it. Ignoring it. Erwin was always so good at ignoring emotional things that demanded his attention. Maybe he should have left her back to rest. He kept forgetting that due to her disease, she had grown far weaker than she had ever been. He had ignored it. Idiot. He gritted his teeth. How dare he?

He couldn’t tell her he loved her, but he had brought her with him. He was the one who wanted to show off the most brilliant, most beautiful woman he’d seen in his life – his woman. He had once more neglected her health. He should at least compensate for it. He should at least do something, and he knew contact was her favourite thing that she had with him. Contact and affection.

Erwin settled beside her on the seats, and she finally lifted her head off the window. He wrapped an arm around her and brought her closer. “Lean on me,” He said and a small smile appeared on her lips. He noticed it right away, even in the darkness of the carriage, the only lights, the city streetlights.

Nathalie shifted closer to him and pressed her cheek down on his chest. The tip of her nose met his neck, and she closed her eyes again. She sighed as she so happily leaned on him as he had asked. But once again, he was confusing her. Did he welcome the affection between them, or not? She couldn’t say. He was confusing her once more, but she welcomed it.

“Are you okay to move on?” Erwin asked. His lips found her forehead. “Nat, I could turn over the carriage right this instant. We should get you to bed-”

“Mmm,” She shook her head. “No. It’s okay,” She giggled. “God knows how much you spent on that dress and… that jewellery,”

A small smile spread on his lips. “I spare no expense when it comes to my woman,” He spoke against her hair before he buried his nose into them and caught the combination of her scent and her perfume. He closed his eyes. Intoxicating.

She bit her lip and the one arm that she had thrown across his belly tightened around him. “Erwin… you’ve no idea… how long I’ve waited for this… you and me,”

Oh, I know. I’ve waited just as long. He parted his lips to say it, but no words came out. He had longed for her just as long, but that would only spell the one thing that he had tried so hard to avoid: his feelings perfectly matching her own. His sweet little girl he wanted her to be his. He wanted to tell her he loved her. But he couldn’t do that.

The carriage stopped, and as impatient as she was to hear a response, a reaction to what she had just told him, she didn’t get an answer. No reaction. Erwin just tapped her shoulder.

“We’re here,”

Erwin walked out of the carriage – grateful for the perfect timing. You’ve no idea how long I’ve waited for this, you and me. He knew where that was going to lead. God, he wanted to admit it that he loved her. He wanted it so much, but no. He couldn’t. Erwin’s hand reached for her own – ever the gentleman, helping her down the two steps and out of the carriage. The Palace entrance spread beyond. The Royal Gardens were gorgeous. Nathalie had only been there once. It was in her graduation when she got her degree as a titan biologist. Her parents were so proud.

Nathalie shot away the questions as to why he hadn’t answered to what she had just told him. She ignored it. She had the patience to ignore many things. She still gave him a kind smile as she caught his hand and walked out of the carriage. She tangled her small arm around his own and he led her inside. Servants came to take off their coats and place them elsewhere, and the inside of the building was impressive.

Nathalie couldn’t help running her eyes all around the ballroom. There were so many people there. Some of them, she recognised. All high-ranked military, and government officers, and not to mention the richest nobles and merchants of the Capital Mitras. There was a buffet, and the royal guard was all around keeping watch. The king was on his throne like always.

Nathalie could tell that Erwin hated to be there. She was completely oblivious of the people’s gazes staring at her, and before she knew it, he had let go of her arm and his own arm now lingered around her waist. She felt his rough thumb brushing at her exposed back as he dragged her to stand closer to him. She turned and looked at that dead look on his face. She couldn’t tell what he was thinking, even though, she usually could. The only thing that he was letting out was that there was something irritating him. She couldn’t tell what. Nathalie bit her lip and parted her lips to talk to him, but a man approached them.

“Nathalie Burgess. Or should I say, Dr Nathalie Burgess?”

Nathalie looked up at the sound of a man uttering her name. She couldn’t believe it. Her eyes widened. “Commander Nile,” She gave him a kind smile. “I’m afraid I just started my thesis so that title does not yet belong to me, sir,”

“Oh c’mon, Nat, you’ve known me since I was a cadet, just call me Nile,” Nile took her hand in his own and pressed a gentle kiss at the back of her palm. “Can’t wait to read that thesis when it’s complete,”

She giggled. “Thank you… Nile,” She bit her lip. She was absolutely certain that her thesis ‘The Eradication of the Power of Titans’ was going to shake Paradis – if not the entire world. But she wasn’t the only one working on it. She had Hange and Moblit aiding her in that too. But for now, it was classified.

“Erwin, old friend, it’s nice to see you,” Nile shook Erwin’s arm and Nathalie could tell Erwin was forcing a smile.

“Likewise. How’s Marie and the kids?” Erwin asked. He had to remind this man he had a wife so that he could stop staring at Nathalie for too long. 

Nile shrugged. “Haven’t seen them in weeks, but from her letters, everything seems fine,” He caught Nathalie’s hand again and brought her with him. “C’mon, Nat. Can’t be at the presence of a gorgeous woman like you and not offer her a drink,”

Nathalie’s cheeks grew a bright red right away and she let out a soft laugh. “Why, thank you, Nile,”

And the way Nile wrapped his arm around her waist just as Erwin had previously done, it was almost Erwin’s breaking point. Erwin felt like bursting on the spot. Erwin was never an insecure man. He had zero insecurities because he had everything. He had the brains, he had the looks, he had the skill. He had the rank – a Commander of the cruellest Regiment. He had had many, many women and none would ever deny spreading their pretty legs for him. But there was one – one who had indeed denied him. Marie. And she had done it because marrying the Commander of the Military Police was coming with a lot more privileges than marrying the Commander of the Survey Corps.

And Erwin had promised to himself from the very start, that if he was to join the Survey Corps, he was never going to love someone. He was never going to be with someone because he was risking his life – it was his job to do so, and his possible death and him possibly hurting someone was something he never wanted to inflict on anyone. There was no saying how painful his father’s death was, especially knowing that he was the one to cause it. He never wished that for anyone, and especially not for Nathalie.

But he wasn’t about to let Nile steal another woman from him. Not Nathalie. Nathalie had been his from the very beginning. From their very first moment of being introduced to each other by their parents.

And he just couldn’t take it anymore. Erwin had tried to participate. He had tried to respond and pretend like he listened to what they were saying, especially when many other officers surrounded them, and they were there for her. They weren’t there for him. They were there to stare at her. They were to stare and hunger for something that was his. Something precious. His precious little girl. He was the only man who should be allowed to lay eyes on her and hunger for her.

And Nathalie was in her natural element. Charming and lovable as ever. Laughing at their witless little jokes and making her own. She was a good company even though she never considered herself sociable enough. Still, she was good at it, and she had no idea. She was gorgeous. Every part of her was perfect, and she was surrounded by men that had even abandoned their wives who were glaring at them from a distance. And they were staring at her and trying everything to earn her attention, and catch a glimpse of her exposed chest, her exposed back.

Maybe bringing her to this and making her wear this dress was a bad idea. A terrible idea. Erwin had never felt jealous for a woman. He had always had whatever woman he wanted. He had always had her attention – whoever that woman was. But now he didn’t have her attention. No, they had her attention. They were staring at her, and Nile’s damned arm was still around her and she was so oblivious to this all, wasn’t she?

Or was she doing this on purpose?

No. She wasn’t trying to rile him up in order for him to fuck her later in the night. Nathalie wasn’t like that. Her mind was never in the gutter. She didn’t know how to challenge her man and rile him up so that he can punish her afterwards. Nathalie’s mind was innocent to that stuff, but he couldn’t help wondering for a moment… was he not enough? No. He was enough. He was more than enough. Or at least, that’s what he always told himself when he was with his previous partners, but when it came to Nathalie, he wasn’t so sure.

He wasn’t even close to her, was he? Here he was, thinking that she was giving all this attention to the other men so that she could get on his nerves and have him punish-pleasure her in the later night. But she had none of this on her mind, hadn’t she? She wasn’t sly enough to think to do anything like that. He was used to the sly females that would do that so that he could deliciously wreck them in the nights. That would be exactly what he’d expect from her.

But Nathalie wasn’t like this. And him even indulging that thought was enough proof that he was way beneath her. She didn’t even want to put this dress on because she didn’t want to attract any attention. She didn’t want men hungering for her. She was nothing like all other women. Erwin told himself that many times, but his resolve could only hold up this long. It was only a few minutes later that Erwin caught her hand and got between her and the other men. He couldn’t take it anymore. She was so oblivious. So innocent. He had to look out for her.

“Would you mind excusing us for a moment?”

Honestly, whether he got an answer to this or not, he didn’t care. He still dragged her away – he rushed, even. He had to take her out of their sight. For the first time in his life, his resolve was wavering. He couldn’t keep his calm – him, the man who could keep his calm in the most insane situations. When all his friends were being eaten by titans and his world was crumbling down, he could stay calm and come up with a brilliant plan to save the unsaved. But when it came to her, he was a madman. When it came to her, there was nothing he could control. He could not control himself, his feelings, his impulses, that stupid, animalistic urge to own her.

He had no idea where this had come from. He had never felt anything like this for any other woman.

“E- Erwin-”

Nathalie had no idea where he was taking her. She just knew that he took her in some other room where there were no people, and the door was closed. He opened it and pushed her in. He closed the door of the almost dark and silent room, and he slammed her against it. She let out a gasp as her back made impact with the door and his lips crushed wildly atop her own.

His arms slipped around her tight and pulled her from the door, pressing the entirety of her flushed against his body. Nathalie had no idea what was happening. He hadn’t even touched her for a week – much less kiss her, and now he had dragged her in here to kiss her hard and wrap his arms around her and claim her mouth in the most delicious way. But why? He was confusing her. Once again, he was confusing her so much.

Nathalie didn’t want to, but she pulled back from the kiss. Erwin let out a growl and leaned forward to kiss her again, but she turned her head on him. She visibly didn’t seem like she wanted to kiss him. Why?! Was he not enough? It frustrated him. His arms tightened around her and parted his lips to say something, but she spoke first.

“Erwin, my darling, please,” She untangled his arms from around her. And even though he had a tight grip on her and didn’t want to let go of her, he allowed her to escape. She didn’t want this, did she? She didn’t want him. Nathalie sighed. She recognised the look on his face. He was furious. “What is wrong? You’re angry. I can tell, you know I can. I want you to talk to me. Tell me, did I do something wrong?”

She had no idea, hadn’t she? She was oblivious to their hungry eyes, and those stupid jokes, and that stupid small talk that aimed to earn her attention. She was oblivious to Nile’s arm around her waist. She was oblivious to everybody staring at her. She was so innocent. So dangerously innocent. Erwin sighed heavily and rubbed his aching forehead. The look on her face was enough proof.

“No… you did nothing wrong, please, forgive me,” Erwin said. He had dared think so low of her. She wouldn’t chase his affection like that. She would never rile him up, and even though, he’d enjoy the thrill of it, Nathalie wasn’t like that. Nathalie was special, and precious, and his. All his. And he had to make sure of it.

But she had no idea. Why would he drag her away from those people? They were having quite a fun conversation. She was going out of her comfort zone to actually put some effort into doing that one thing that she loathed the most: socialise. And she was doing it for him!

Please forgive me. Nathalie sighed and picked herself up on her tiptoes and her arms reached for his face. She cupped his cheeks and looked up at him, searching for all the clues of emotion that he would give her. She needed to know what he was thinking.

“There is nothing to forgive, something is clearly bothering you,”

“The way they look at you bothers me,” Erwin burst. “The way you laugh at their jokes. The way Nile’s damned arm was around you. The way everybody looks and hungers for what’s mine,” He growled, leaving her speechless, mouth agape.

Maybe she had misunderstood his lack of affection. Maybe he literally just had no time to hold her in the nights, or even kiss her for brief moments in the past week. He wouldn’t do much, or even look at her. But maybe he was just that tied up in his work. Nathalie would love to believe it, because the way he said this, right now, it was the only way she could explain his… possessive behaviour. She couldn’t deny it. She loved it. She loved him. The way everybody looks and hungers for what’s mine. He called her his. It had been exactly what she had been chasing after her entire life. To be his. Utterly.

Nathalie got back up on her tiptoes and wrapped her arms around his shoulders and tugged him down to her to kiss her, and for once, he did not resist. He kissed her back and wrapped his arms around her and picked her up. Feet dangling, no longer touching the floor. Her face, almost to his height. She cupped his cheeks, and found his hair and kissed him sweetly, allowing him to explore her mouth and keep all dominance. She let out a sweet moan that only made him want to kiss her even harder, but he pulled back to let her breathe.

“My beloved Erwin, it doesn’t matter who looks at me and thinks about me, because none of them will ever have me,” Nathalie said with a soft smile and bright blue gorgeous eyes meeting his own. She tucked a lock of golden hair away from his forehead with her gentle hand. “I only have eyes for you,”

I only have eyes for you. What the hell was he supposed to do if not love her? How was he supposed to keep being vague about his feelings and keep ignoring and interrupting her attempts to tell him she loved him. How was he supposed to not lie down beside her in the nights, or not smile at her every time she brought him tea and something to eat. When she hugged him from behind and offered to help him with his paperwork.

And now, here she was, wearing that dress that she didn’t want to wear, but she still wore it because he had asked her to – because he had bought it for her, and she looked fucking gorgeous in it, and what was he supposed to do if not take her back to their quarters and love her sweet and intimate like she deserved to be loved? How was he supposed to fuck her hard and pretend she meant nothing to him, even though she meant everything to him?

He had no idea what to do. He had no idea whether he should tell her he loved her, right this instant, or never actually indulge this feeling. If she didn’t feel tied and committed to him, he was risking losing her one day. And maybe he’d choose losing her instead of hurting her. Goodness they were in the Scouts. They could die any moment.

He kissed her. He couldn’t tell how much he loved her. How much he was willing to throw everything away for her even though he’d never do that. But he could let her know through his kisses, his touches. His arms around her. His lips on her own, hard, and fervent and feverish.

“Mine,” He growled against her lips. His arms tightened around her, almost suffocatingly tight, but she didn’t mind it one bit. She kissed him back just as hard and revelled in it, because he hadn’t kissed her like this for days. No, he hadn’t even touched her the past week. She smiled in the kiss and let out a sigh when he placed her on a piece of furniture and his arms reached her for dress, pushing it up her thighs, searching for the delicious heat between her thighs. He let go of her lips and he slipped down, peppering kisses all over her chest, her neck. Nathalie threw her head back, giving him as much space as he could.

His precious little girl, she parted her legs for him to settle between. Her gasps and her moans were the sweetest sounds he had heard. “My sweet little girl,” He pushed her panties aside and met her wet heat with his fingers. “Already wet for me,”

She bit her lip. “Always wet for you, daddy,” She mewled, and he tried his best not to mark the white canvas that was her neck with his teeth, his lips. He pressed down on her slick entrance with his middle finger.

He gathered her slick and rubbed on the sensitive nub. Her body tensed. She was so wet. So wet and ready for him, his sweet girl. He didn’t even need to prepare her. All he had to do was take her, right now, use her for his pleasure. Yes. He had to keep thinking like that. She wasn’t the woman he loved. No, she was his gorgeous little fucktoy. He fooled himself. All he had to do was be effective in doing so.

But then he looked up at her, at her familiar face. Her sweet plump lips that he had bruised with his own. Her bright blue eyes. Her glasses that had been shaken off their place. Her wet chest that he had traced with his warm, slick tongue. She was perfect. She was his perfect little Nathalie.

No. If he didn’t have to look at her face, maybe he could imagine it wasn’t her. Maybe he could imagine that he wasn’t using the woman that he loved. That maybe it was someone else. Someone else that his heart didn’t ache for.

“Turn around and bend over,”

Nathalie slipped off the furniture and did as he had asked, no matter how humiliating it was. She would do anything for him. She would ignore her morals, her insecurities. Anyone could walk right into this room any moment and see her be an absolute slut. Oh, the scandal this would all cause. The problems it would cause to her career, her self-esteem that was already very low. Humiliation was one of those things that she hated the most.

But she ignored everything, just for him. She bent over the wooden furniture, and he unbuckled his belt. He took out his already hard cock. A drop of precum already on the tip. There was no saying how insane she made him. No other woman had ever made him so desperate, so needy. It was the most inappropriate time and place, and all he could think about was feeling her sweet hole clamping around him like a vice.

He thrust his entire length in without warning. Nathalie’s lips parted to scream, but she muffled herself with her hand. The stretch was borderline painful. Her body shook. He was so big and thick, she could never get used to it no matter how much and how hard he’d fuck her. He wrapped an arm around her belly, one found purchase on her mouth. He forced her back to his chest and he pressed a kiss down  on her kiss, her nape, her neck, her cheek.

“Be a good girl and stay quiet,” He grunted against her ear and she only tightened around his impossible length. His little girl, no matter how innocent she was, she loved this, didn’t she? She loved being used by him.

He grabbed her hips in a bruising grip and started thrusting. He set an insane pace right away, not caring whether she could take it, not checking whether she had adjusted to his length quite yet. He muffled her screams that would have shook the Palace beneath the tight grip of his large palm that was enough to cover half her face. Tears gathered in her eyes as he fucked her hard with rough thrusts that threatened her legs to give up on her.

Erwin grunted, biting down on her neck to muffle his sounds. He didn’t care about anybody getting to see a bite mark on her perfect white skin that didn’t before exist. He wanted everybody to know that she was taken. He wanted everybody to hear her scream his name for everybody to hear. Mine. The sound of his body slamming against her own, and the wet squelches of her pussy clamping down on him and him hitting hard against that sensitive spot inside of her.

He was driving her insane. It almost hurt, the way he fucked her rough, bruising her backside with his thrusts, and his fingers that were digging on her hips, leaving dark purple bruises in their wake. She was going to cum. She was going to cum all over him and she couldn’t warn him. His hand was clamped hard around her lips. She let out another muffled scream when she came. She came hard and she clenched so tight around him, Erwin groaned in her neck and released inside of her.

She felt so full. His seed plunged deep inside of her, painting her walls in warm white, and he rutted into her, releasing everything he had. He couldn’t pull out of her. Not when she was clenching so hard around him and for a moment, all he could think about was her swollen belly with his kid. But fuck he couldn’t have that.

Erwin pulled out of her and withdrew his arms from her. She collapsed back down on the wooden furniture, and she panted hard. He had wasted her. She felt sore and unable to properly stand. A warm slick drop of his and her own cum slipped out of her hole and he could only look down at it. He bit his tongue as he gathered his cum in his fingers and plunged it back into her abused hole.

And then the realisation hit him. What the hell had he just done? He had cum inside of her. He had manhandled her and fucked her hard and the purple imprints of his fingers littered her hips, her thighs, her skin was red.

“E- Erwin…” She whimpered. Her hand reached back for him for support. He settled her dress and her panties in place and flipped her over to face him. He wrapped his arms around her, and one hand reached for her face, cupping her cheek, watching the warm tears that ran down her eyes ruining her mascara.

“My sweet babygirl,” He kissed her tears away and settled her hair in place to look at least presentable. She buried her face in his neck and let out a soft whine as he settled her dress back in place, one sleeve had fallen off her shoulder. “Are you okay? Daddy didn’t go too hard on you, did he?” He pulled out his handkerchief and shook it to unfold fully.

She merely shook her head and hummed in response. “He did, but I don’t mind. Daddy can go as hard as he wants,” She purred in his neck and Erwin had to bite his inner cheek. Damn this woman was driving him insane and she had no idea. If they weren’t in the Palace to potentially get caught whilst fucking like animals, he would fuck her again.

“That’s my good girl. Now, look up while daddy takes care of you, hmm?”

She pulled her head off his neck and looked up at him. She watched him as he licked the tip of the handkerchief, dampening the fabric before he used it to wipe the remnants of mascara and her red ruined lipstick. As rough as he had treated her, his touch now was featherlike. Nathalie closed her eyes and hummed and leaned on his hand as he cleaned up her face. He couldn’t deny how gorgeous she looked, all messy and in tears just for him.

He was the only man who could make her cry and make her like it.

When he deemed that she looked just as good as the moment they entered the building, he pushed his handkerchief in his pocket and pressed a kiss on her nose. She giggled.

“Are you good to go?”

She hummed and nodded. “I am,” She wrapped her arm around his and he led her out of the room. She spent the rest of the evening clutching on his arm for support, and trying to ignore that wet, hot drop of their lovemaking making its way down her thighs.

Chapter 27: The Commander's Girl Pt. 3 🟥

Nathalie took off her heels the moment they stepped into their shared quarters and held them in her hand. An arm slipped around her and his chest met her back. He took off her coat for her and hung it by the coat-stand along with his own, and then he wrapped his arms around her and his lips met her nape, the back of her shoulder. Erwin leaned down to press kisses and tiny nips all over her exposed back. Shivers ran down her spine and she giggled.

“Somebody’s got some stamina,” She grinned.

“I haven’t quite wasted my little girl yet, have I?” He spoke against her ear. His hands reached for the zip of her dress and he pulled it down. The dress was a red pool around their feet before she knew it. But she was far too gone. The way he talked to her – fuck what was she supposed to do if not let him have her? Waste her?

My little girl. Nathalie let out a delicious moan when he let down a particularly rough bite on the back of her shoulder. He flipped her over to face him and she was expecting him to kiss her, but he buried his face in her neck instead. She let out a whine when he started biting and suckling and licking and littering her skin in marks once more. Her arms reached for his bolo tie, untying it and letting it drop on the floor, and then she reached for his white shirt and tried to start unbuttoning it but he caught her hands and shoved them away. He picked her up and carried her to his bed.

He lied her down. His mouth still on her neck, her chest, her breasts. He freed them from the confines of her bra, tossing the useless piece of cloth away, before he trapped a nipple between his lips. Her scent reached his nostrils. Her pretty legs, parted for him to fit his body between. Her fingers found his hair, his shirt, sneaking beneath the white fabric, searching for his shoulders, his skin. She needed contact. She needed to kiss him. She needed to wrap her arms around him.

But he wasn’t going to allow her. He was a touch-starved man. He longed for her touch, her kisses, her lips on his skin. But he had to deny it, because the longer she touched him, the deeper he was falling for her. No. You’re not falling. She wasn’t the woman he loved. She was his mistress. His woman. His sweet babygirl who always had her lips and legs parted for him to use her.

Daddy can go as hard as he wants. These were dangerous words for a fragile little girl already covered in his marks and bruises. But he had to confine those pretty hands that dared be so tender and perfect and made him long for her touch all the time. Erwin slipped his belt from around his waist and sat back on his knees between her legs.

“Hands up, princess,”

Nathalie licked her lips and showed him her wrists. He tied them together with the black leather belt and used it to tie them on the wooden headboard on the bed. She let out a small whimper as she tried to free her hands and failed miserably. She was at his total mercy. Aquamarine eyes almost predatory as he stared down at her, all spread for him, all for him. His little girl at his mercy.

She parted her pretty legs for him and he slipped the last piece of clothing down her perfect legs. She was already wet and he didn’t have to do anything. Wet and ready for her daddy whenever he wanted her. He leaned down, pressing kisses on her inner thighs ever getting closer and closer to her wet heat. He hadn’t yet gotten a taste of her. He hadn’t yet feasted on her sweet core.

He wrapped his lips around her clit and she let out a gasp. Her body tensed up beneath him and her hips bucked up against him. He pushed her back down with a firm arm and he sucked hard down on the sensitive nub. He ran his skilful tongue down her opening, gathering her sweet juices. Fuck, she was perfect in everything, wasn’t she? Sweet in every way he could think of. Her tongue, her skin, her scent, her drenched cunt. Just for him. All for him.

A growl rumbled in his chest as he thrust his tongue into her and she whispered his name and threw her head back. Her hands shook from their restraints. She wanted to touch him and bury her fingers in his hair and bring him closer. But he had tied her. She could do nothing but lay there and take everything he had to give her.

He pressed his tongue on her sensitive nub and a thick long finger prodded at her opening, sticking in slowly, curling on just the right spot and driving her insane. He could eat her up for hours. Her sounds were delicious. Her shaky thighs, her bucking body. The way she tried to reach for him but couldn’t. So helpless. So desperate for him. So perfect.

He added a finger and started thrusting them both into her. His lips wrapped around her clit, suckling like a man starved. He found her spot instantly. He had started to learn her body. Every inch of her belonged to him. The pads of his fingers hit against her sweet spot and she saw stars.

“Fuck, Erwin, please, I’m gonna-”

He withdrew right away. He pulled his fingers from inside of her and she whined. Her orgasm disappeared into a bottomless void, and she was left panting. Chest heaving up and down.

“What does my little girl call me, hmm?”

“Please, please, just wanna cum, please- Ah!”

He slapped hard down on her cunny. Her body jolted at the sudden sting. Body trembling and she tried to rub herself on his palm, but he withdrew his arm right away.

“I asked you a question, babygirl. I expect an answer,”

“D- Daddy…” Nathalie panted, and she threw her head back. “…just wanna be your good girl… daddy’s good girl,”

“Aw, do you?” Erwin cooed as he crawled on top of her and he caught her lower lip between his own, nibbling down till it was pink and swollen. She nodded dumbly as he kissed her pouty lips. “Already so good to me, hmm?” His fingers found her hole that was clenching around nothing. He pushed two fingers in, drawing her sweet wetness. “Probably better than you should be,” He spoke against the skin of her neck, and she didn’t know whether she had heard him or had just imagined him say that. But how dare she be so lovable, and beautiful, and smart, and perfect? How dare she make him love her?

Nathalie parted her lips to ask, but he started thrusting his fingers hard into her. Rough thrusts pressed against her sensitive spot, and she let out a cry. Body tensed and jolted upwards to reach to him, but he pinned her back down on the mattress with a hand on her belly. He curled his fingers deep into her and she let out another cry, and another, thrashing beneath him. She was going to cum. She couldn’t stop it. Her legs shook and her walls clenched around his fingers. She was so close. So close.

Erwin pulled his fingers out of her, tearing the pleasure out of her reach and she wept. Nathalie threw her head back and her body fell limp back on the mattress. Walls clenched around nothing, and frustration washed over her.

“No, no, no, no, please!” She panted. Tears gathered in her eyes. She tried to free her hands and reach down and finish the job herself, but she was tied. He had her tied down, at his full mercy. She would only cum when he allowed her. He could leave her like this all night. “Please, please, please, daddy, I’ll do anything for you, just please…”

She let out a pathetic sob and tears ran down her cheeks. She was so beautiful when she was crying for him. Her little sobs and mewls of absolute anguish. It was all feeding the sadistic man on top of her, and she didn’t care. She’d do anything for this man.

“You don’t have to do anything, baby,” He buried his face in her neck and started planting marks there with his teeth. “Just let daddy take care of you,”

Erwin pulled back, to stand on his knees between her legs. He unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it down his shoulders. His perfect chest and torso came into view. The strong arms and firm, refined muscles that flexed with every move he made. Scars littered his skin all over and she wanted to touch him. She wanted to kiss each and every single one of them. She wanted to touch him, and ran her fingers all over. She wanted contact. She wanted it so bad, she shed two more tears just for it. But as much as he wanted contact as well, he couldn’t have it. He didn’t dare unbuckle that belt from around her wrists because her touch would be so welcome. So tender.

No, he didn’t want that. Because the more she touched him, the deeper he fell. No. She wasn’t the woman that he loved. She wasn’t his everything. She was his mistress. She was just another woman on his bed. A little fucktoy to use to pleasure himself. She didn’t mean a thing to him. Or at least he kept telling himself, and he had almost convinced himself.

He pulled his pants down just enough to free his cock. He was already so hard. Fuck, this woman made him so desperate. Usually, he would deny her orgasm after orgasm till she was sobbing and begging, but he couldn’t drag it out like that this time. He just wanted to be inside of her. He wanted to lean down and let her hands free and let her touch him and kiss him all over. He wanted to bury his face in her neck, her breasts, and kiss her hard and make her scream his name and tell her he loved her. He wanted to pump her full of his cum and make her his.

No. None of that. He would never get any of that. He was never going to have her like this. It was all just carnal pleasure and nothing beyond that.

Erwin thrust inside of her and she screamed at the stretch. He caught her legs, her hips, bringing her flushed against him and he started thrusting without warning. He didn’t give her a second to adjust. She didn’t mean a thing to him. He had to act like it. And she felt so good around him. Her near-orgasm wetness and her needy walls clenched around him tight and pulled him deep. He grunted and bit down on her leg that he had settled on his shoulder to quiet down his groans and moans and grunts. He shouldn’t show her how much insane she was driving him. He shouldn’t show her how much of a mess he was for her.

He thrusted hard and fast into her, hitting up against her g spot. His angle, perfect to abuse her sensitive spot and make her dumb. He pushed both her knees against her chest to a mating press and rutted into her like an animal. Her screams were delicious. The struggle on her face, gorgeous. Her throat sore already and another set of tears ran down her cheeks. He had broken her. Good. He wasn’t even done.

“I’m gonna cum, I’m gonna cum, I’m gonna… daddy, please, I’m gonna-”

“Be a good girl and cum around daddy’s cock, yeah?” Erwin’s arm clamped around her pretty lips, muffling her wails as she came.

She came so hard around him. A gush of warm liquid burst against his lower belly. He chuckled and stopped thrusting looking down at his ruined pants, covered in her slick. He pulled his hard cock out of her, kicking off his pants and smearing her slick across his cock. Nathalie was panting hard. She had never cum so much in her life. She looked down at the mess on the bedsheets and she bit her lip. She was going to scrub them clean first thing in the morning tomorrow provided she could stand.

“He never made you squirt, did he?” Erwin lathered his cock in her slick, running the tip from her clit to her needy hole. “Of course, he didn’t,”

He took some pride in that. Levi had only fucked her. He hadn’t corrupted her. He hadn’t tied her down. He hadn’t denied her orgasms. He hadn’t overstimulated her. He had done nothing to her, and there were plenty of first times for Erwin to explore on her. He was going to teach his little girl everything.

“I am the only one who can make you feel like this,” Erwin thrusted back into her, grabbing hold of her thighs, and hooking them around his hips. “Tied and crying and begging for my cock like a slut, but I bet you’re enjoying every second of it,” He started a fast pace right away, picking up from where they’d left of. Eyes rolled to the back of her head as her cunt clenched so tight around him at his words. She loved being degraded too, didn’t she? He should have known that she was a dirty little thing. “Squeezing me so tight, dirty girl, you like me calling you a slut?” Balls slapping hard against her ass with every thrust he made into her.

“Fuck, yes! Yes, I love it, daddy… daddy’s little slut,” Nathalie gasped.

There was no saying how hot it all was. His large, thick cock reached parts she never thought possible, and her second orgasm just around the corner. Messy blonde hair littering his forehead. He was all naked and perfect and she wanted to touch all of him. She wanted to kiss all of him. Her hands reached for him, but she was only reminded that she couldn’t. She couldn’t touch him. She couldn’t kiss him. All she could do was take it.  

Daddy’s little slut. She was loving this, wasn’t she? “Daddy, please, I’m gonna cum again…” She whimpered and thrashed beneath him as he fucked her hard. He was about to cum too. Maybe they could cum together. Maybe he could cum inside of her. He wanted to fill her up with his seed.

“Go on, babygirl, cum with daddy,”

She let out a scream and he grunted. She squeezed him so hard. Warm gushes of liquid drawing him deep into her before he let go. He came into her. Warm ropes of cum painted her insides. She was his. All his now. His cock bulging in her belly and her body still sensitive from the rough fuck. He pulled out of her and cum dripped out of her abused, swollen hole. He gathered it with his fingers and stuck it back in. She let out a sweet moan and he finally reached up to release her hands.

Her arms ached from all that tugging. Her wrists, red and swollen and her muscles burning. But she didn’t care one bit. Her arms reached up for him, to hold him and prop her body up to kiss him. Lips chased for his own, but he was gone before she knew it.

“I’ll take a shower,” He said before vanishing in the bathroom, leaving her there, on the bed, naked and alone.

And then it all came back to her. The shame of her actions, her words, the things she had said. Things she’d never dare say. How she had literally let this man fuck her to oblivion. His marks were everywhere and his cum, oozing out of her aching hole. She could hardly close her legs together. And he hadn’t even taken a moment to hold her and tuck her to bed or take her to shower with him.

He had rushed away as fast as he could. He didn’t want to spend another second beside her, did he? He fucked her, and the second it was done, he was off the bed. Was that why he wasn’t sleeping beside her in the nights? Did he just not want her? If he didn’t, he should just say it. Heck, he shouldn’t have even asked her to come stay with him in the same room. But Levi had done that before him. She had lived with Levi.

“He never made you squirt, did he?” Erwin was referring to Levi. And now Erwin was doing the same thing that she had done with Levi. He was sharing a room with her.

What the hell was that supposed to mean? Was he competing Levi? And even if he was, then what the hell was she to them both? A little prize? A beautiful little object?

Nathalie shut her eyes and brought Erwin’s pillow in her arms. She buried her face into it and wrapped their sheets around her naked body. She was scared to look at herself in the mirror. She was aching everywhere. Nathalie sighed heavily. She hadn’t imagined things would be like this with Erwin. When she imagined hers and Erwin’s relationship, everything looked perfect. It all seemed to be pulled out of a fairy-tale, but in reality, it didn’t even come close. Erwin left the moment he was done with her, and she could only tell that when he’d walk out of that shower, he wouldn’t even lie beside her. He never really did.

She was nothing to him, wasn’t she? Just another pretty girl on his bed.

And that shower didn’t last long, Erwin walked out a few minutes later with a towel wrapped around his waist. She was still on the bed, cheek pressing down against his pillow. She had wrapped the bed sheets around her. She looked like she was sleeping. But she wasn’t. She was thinking. Eyes closed, a peaceful expression on her face, but she was far from feeling peaceful.

Erwin dressed back up into a new shirt, new pants. It was 4 am in the morning and his day had just begun. Another sleepless night, but it wasn’t she to blame. It was himself. Erwin headed for his office without saying a thing.

“Are you not going to lie down with me?” Nathalie asked, stopping him from leaving the room.

Erwin cursed mentally. He thought she was sleeping. “I need to go back to work,” He said coldly. His back turned on her, not even turning to face her. He walked out of the room heading straight to his office.

A tear ran down her cheek.

Chapter 28: The First Goodbye

Notes:

OMG JUST WANNA THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR COMMENTS!!!!

Haven't had so many comments on a chapter for such a long time and I missed this 🥰🥰🥰

Pls enjoy and keep em coming!

Nathalie slept for a few hours. She still woke up early. A mess. She looked at herself in the mirror. A mess. Marks everywhere. On her neck, on her chest, on her hips, dark purple bruises littered on her skin. She took a shower hoping to wash everything away. She changed the bedsheets with new ones and scrubbed them clean and put on her longest black skirt, a black turtleneck to at least keep safe some of her dignity from the eyes of the world. She wrapped a light blue jacket around her. The weather looked cold today.

She hadn’t seen Erwin. Probably still doing paperwork on his desk. And once she walked out of the bedroom, she noticed him right there, passed out on his desk. Of course, he’d pass out from the exhaustion. He didn’t want to lie beside her. He didn’t want to take a moment to rest. He preferred an uncomfortable position on his desk instead of lying beside her and holding her even for just a little while.

Still, Nathalie wrapped a blanket around his shoulders. Head lying gently on top of his arms on the desk. Papers all around him. Hair, a mess. Some of them falling on his forehead. Lips pressed together and soft snores escaping him. Even now – even after using her and hurting her – she found him beautiful. Handsome even in his sleep. Nathalie ran her fingers across his cheek, his forehead, pushing some of his hair back.

She loved this man. No matter how many times he’d interrupt her attempts to tell him so, or no matter how many times he’d use her body for his pleasure and abandon her the second it was done, nothing was going to change the way she felt about him.

Nathalie leaned close to press a sweet kiss on his temple. She knew what she was to him. She was just another mistress to take his frustrations on. She could never hope to breach his heart, so, maybe she should stop trying. Maybe she just had to accept that he’d never let her speak and tell him how she felt. He’d never let her hold him and kiss him like a woman would kiss her man. He’d never let her tell him she loved him. So maybe it was time to stop trying.

But she was never going to stop trying to be there for him.

Nathalie picked up her notebooks and pulled out a letter from one of them. She placed it quietly on his desk and picked up her suitcase. She walked out of the room and stood at the empty, silent corridor. The sun hadn’t yet revealed itself from the tallest mountains, but there was some light coming in through the windows. It was 5:30 am and nobody sane was awake at this hour.

Except for maybe one.

He deserved to see her before she left.

Nathalie made her way to Levi’s office. She lifted her free hand to knock, but she realised his door was already open. She walked in. He had a candle that had melted all the way down. He had papers all around him. Raven-black hair, messy. His back rested against his chair. His arms tangled in front of him, and eyes closed. He had probably fallen asleep on his chair. Nathalie just smiled at him and proceeded to walk out and leave. She knew this man never slept, and he only did it when she was with him.

Maybe she should have never left him. Levi had treated her better than anybody. Better than Erwin ever would. Levi deserved the world, and she had hurt him, and what was she supposed to do now? How was she supposed to face him the way things were? Even though things seemed to be fine between them, it all felt unfair and hurting. He was there for her, but she wasn’t, and she hated that.

“Nat,”

Nathalie turned to look at him as he called out her name with his gruff, sleepy voice. He snapped out from his sleep, and silver, sharp eyes met her form. She was as gorgeous as ever. Messy brown, short hair. Her beautiful black skirt. Her bright blue eyes meeting his behind her circular glasses. Nathalie lifted a hand up and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. She looked away from him and down at the suitcase that she was holding in one hand.

“I thought I’d see you before I go,”

Levi sat straight in his chair. His white shirt was wrinkled, and two buttons were set loose. It was the one of the shirts that she had bought for him. His ascot was lying on the table, beside his paperwork. An almost surprised look on his face, but he was hiding it like he always did.

“You’re leaving?” Levi spoke.

Why would she do that? She was actually leaving the scouts for real this time, wasn’t she? And where would she go? And why was she leaving? He looked at her, as she so shyly looked down and away from him. She bit her bottom plush lip and nodded silently. Levi pursed his lips. He knew Erwin couldn’t give her what she wanted. Erwin couldn’t love her. He had fucked up, hadn’t he? Was this why she was wearing this turtleneck? To cover her skin wherever she could.

Levi felt anger. Just what had Erwin done to her that she wanted to leave and escape this all? “Come over here,” He stood up and walked around his desk. He rested some of his weight against the edge of the desk and he motioned her with his fingers to approach him.

Nathalie bit the inside of her cheek. Just what did he want to do with her? She trusted Levi with her life, but she didn’t want him getting too close. The last time she had tried to leave the Scouts and chosen to stay – a terrible idea really – she had chosen to stay for him. She did not regret it. She’d do anything for Levi.

She approached him, leaving down her suitcase and standing in front of him. Dark circles lingered around his eyes, and he was starting to get thinner again. Nathalie couldn’t help it. She cupped his face to get a better look at him. Concern graced her features, but he didn’t mind. Levi closed his eyes tiredly and he leaned on her soft hand. His hand reached up for her own to take it and support it to his face, his cheek.

Nathalie sighed heavily. He had started to neglect himself again, just as much as she had. Without each other, to remind themselves to eat and sleep and take a break, they were both lost, weren’t they? He was lost without her, and she was hurt without him.

But she had hurt him. She did not deserve this man. He was simply too good and undeserving of her. She was terrible. She had hurt him. She should just leave. She should leave and never look back.

“My darling Levi,” Nathalie ran her thumb across his cheek, and he finally opened her eyes. Silver irises met her own and she melted right into them. “Promise me you’ll look after yourself… please,”

“If only you promise to do the same,” He said and she bit her lip and looked down. She couldn’t promise that. He didn’t know. He didn’t know that she was never going to come up with a cure to her disease because she just couldn’t and lacked the tools to do that. He didn’t know that she had chosen to die in eleven years. And maybe he’d never have to find out about this. Maybe he’d never watch her die and he’d never again hear word from her.

And maybe that was for the best.

Levi caught her chin between his fingers and led her attention back up to him. The woman that he loved. She was so beautiful, looking up at him and he, down at her, and their lips, merely inches away from one another. He wanted to taste her if only for one last time. And even though she wasn’t his to love and hold, the man who had her was an ungrateful piece of shit.

Levi kissed her. He finally joined their lips to the sweetest kiss. She hummed in his mouth and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. He wrapped his own arms around her waist and brought her close. His tongue danced sweetly with her own. She had missed the taste of jasmine tea on his tongue. She had missed the warmth of his arms around her. She had missed him.

And when he pulled back, her taste on his tongue and his heart beating so hard it was about to break out of his chest, he parted his lips to tell her. He wanted to tell her he loved her. He had already said it once, twice, thrice. But why could he not say it now? Maybe that was because she wasn’t going to say it back. And then he looked at her bright blue eyes, shiny, full of tears.

Leaving Levi was a terrible mistake.

But there were no other words to exchange. No tears ran down her cheeks. She merely pressed a kiss on his open palm that had been resting on her face. And she turned around to leave. And Levi watched her even though he wanted to stop her. He wanted to wrap his arms around her and kiss her again, and take her to bed, and show her how real love felt like. He wanted her to stay no matter how selfish it was.

But he did nothing. Nathalie picked up her suitcase and gave him one last look. She gave him one of her sweetest smiles before she walked out of his office and closed the door behind.

When was the next time that he’d see her again? Maybe that time would never come. And maybe the woman that he loved would be gone forever and a stranger to everyone but himself and a select few.

༻◊۞◊༺

Erwin woke up with his muscles aching. Passing out on his desk was practical, but it always came with a cost. He grunted as he straightened his back and realised he had a blanket thrown on top of his shoulders. It slipped down, and he chuckled. A small smile spread on his lips. She must have been awake. She was definitely the one to throw this blanket on his shoulders. Erwin rubbed his tired eyes and he stood up. It was 7 am. The day was about to start, but he doubted Nathalie had gone to the labs to continue her work. She probably woke up to wrap this blanket around him and went back to sleep.

Erwin walked into his bedroom. He was expecting to find her there, lying on his bed, sleeping peacefully. But there were no wrinkled sheets and messy pillows thrown all over. And there was no small body buried beneath his sheets. No messy brown hair on his pillow, neither her limbs sticking outside the sheets.

She wasn’t there, instead, the bed was perfectly made in a new set of sheets and the previous set was washed and ironed and neatly folded on top of the end of the bed. A feeling of dread gathered at the pit of his stomach. He had a feeling he knew what had just happened.

Erwin almost rushed to the closet that they had been sharing for the last few weeks and he snapped it open and started searching for her skirts that would usually hang alongside his shirts and pants and… the only thing she had left behind was that dress. The dress she wore the previous night and looked like a goddess. The dress he had bought for her. And the box with the jewellery, she had left it on the piece of furniture nearby. She hadn’t taken those two.

Because those two things almost felt like a payment. A payment for her services. She wasn’t selling her body to him for his pleasure, but it almost felt like it. She wasn’t some pretty doll to put in expensive dresses and jewellery and then fuck her and be gone the moment it was done. She couldn’t believe Erwin had made her feel like this. She loved him. But maybe that was the case because she didn’t know him well enough, even though she thought she knew him. She thought that all those childhood years that she had spent by his side, she thought they would be enough. But this man was hiding everything and never let anyone in.

He didn’t have to let her in for her to understand what their relationship was.

And now, she was gone. She had promised to stand by him through it all, but she was now breaking that promise, because she had no idea whether she could handle this. She did not mind the hardships of the outside. She didn’t mind watching friends die and get eaten by gigantic beasts – but she needed some validation from the man that she had done this all for. She had learned to get used to losing friends and carnage and fight, and do things she never thought she’d do in her life, and for what? For him to treat her like this?

No. She’s not gone. Erwin refused to believe it. She had just moved in with someone else. She was probably back to staying with Levi, even though, that very thought frustrated him. No. She was probably back in the dorms. Or she was probably just working in the lab. Wherever she was, she was still there. Wasn’t she?

Erwin almost felt himself go insane. He wanted to scold himself for getting so worked up for a woman. But she wasn’t just any woman. She was the woman he loved even though he was never going to tell her that.

And maybe that’s why she had left.

No. She hasn’t left. Erwin rushed out of his office. There were people in the corridors already. The Survey Corps HQ was already busy, and he had people saluting him or trying to talk to him. He dismissed them fast enough and continued hurrying towards the labs. He snapped the door open. There was no one there. Not even Moblit or Hange. He didn’t want to barge into Levi’s office, because it wouldn’t end well, but he just had to know. He had to know whether she was with Levi right now, kissing and giving herself to another man.

He knew it was sick to think like that. He hadn’t laid any claim on her. He hadn’t clarified his feelings to her, she was free to do whatever she wanted. She was in no way committed to him. Even though he wanted her to be. He wanted it so much.

“Where is she?!” Erwin snapped Levi’s door open. Levi was on his desk, finishing another pile of paperwork. He glared daggers at the taller man. “Where’s Nathalie?!” Was this Levi’s plan all along? To rip her from him? “What did you tell her?!”

“I’m not the reason she left,” Levi frowned, and he stood up approaching his Commander. “You did something to her, and she left, and anybody would’ve done the same,”

No. He was wrong. Nobody would leave him. Every other woman he’d ever known would fall on her knees just to spend another night on his bed. Every other woman would stay for as long as he’d let her. Every other woman would stay by him until he’d be the one to kick her out of his life because he’d have no use for her. But now the tables had turned. Now it was Nathalie the one to kick him out of her life. It was she the one to leave him, and it hurt his ego so damn much, Erwin had no words to describe what he felt anger for.

Was he angry at Levi? Was he angry at Nathalie? For leaving? Was he angry at himself for fucking this up? For ruining the relationship between him and the woman that he adored with all his being? It was his fault that she had left.

Erwin pushed his anger aside. He could beat himself up alone on his office. Levi had done nothing wrong.

“Where did she go?” Erwin asked, calmer now and Levi’s shoulders relaxed for a moment, and he crossed his arms against his chest.

“I don’t know,” Levi said.

Erwin sighed and turned to leave, but before he knew it, Levi punched him hard on the face. Erwin let out a grunt and took a step back. Warm blood slipped out of his nostrils and pain spread across his face. A furious look in Levi’s eyes and his fist still clenched.

“That’s for whatever the hell you did to her,” Levi growled before he turned his back on his Commander and sat back down on his desk.

Erwin took out his handkerchief and pressed it to his nose. He chuckled bitterly. “I deserve it,”

“WHERE THE HELL IS SHE?!” Hange screamed from the back as she entered the room. Miche followed from behind and Moblit followed trying to contain her.

“Erwin!” Miche walked in and rushed at his friend. “Please give her a good explanation or she’s going to go ballistic,” Erwin sighed and turned and looked Miche, still pressing that handkerchief on his nose. Miche’s eyes widened. “Holy shit, man, you’re crying?! What the hell happened between you two, I thought you were this close to getting married-”

“I’m not crying,” Erwin rolled his eyes and pulled the handkerchief down revealing his bloody nose.

Hange growled. “UGH! I KNEW YOU’D FUCK UP!”

Miche let out a laugh and pointed at Levi. “He punched you?! Never thought he could reach that high,”

Levi glared at the man. “Keep this up and you’re next, dogface,” He growled.

༻◊۞◊༺

It was after a while that Miche finished lecturing him.

Erwin sighed as he entered his empty office and settled back down on his desk. He pinched the bridge of his nose in tiredness – even though the day had just begun. But she was gone, and all his plans went to ruin. Hange said that she had left back a few extra notebooks with all the information they needed. Nathalie had done her part. She had handed them over information that they’d never find without her. She had handed them over a plan to execute to save the world. She had handed them over everything they needed from her.

But she was gone. She was gone and Erwin had no idea where she was. He could certainly send some people to find her, but he knew she wouldn’t appreciate that. He knew he had hurt her. He had made her think that she was nothing to him and he had even found himself trying to convince him that this was true. Even though it wasn’t, and it could never be, because he had set out, looking for her like a madman in all the rooms of the HQ hoping she’d be there somewhere. 

Erwin stared blankly at his desk. Piles of papers spread all over, and then there was that piece of two papers folded that he did not remember himself putting there. Erwin picked it up and he recognised her not so clear writing. It was a request to resign, and a letter from her to him. He unfolded it and started reading. Her handwriting was indeed a doctor’s handwriting. Never clean enough for others to be able and read it. But he could. Maybe he was one of the few people who could understand her handwriting.

My beloved Erwin,

This is probably something I’ll greatly regret, but I have to go. You’d never let me tell you, but maybe I could write it instead.

I love you. And I know you were trying to escape my confession for much too long.

You chose to carry the world on your shoulders, and I would never dream of adding to that burden. So, I’ll go. I’ve been chasing your heart for so long, but now I understand my quest shall never come to an end. It is only wise for me to stop looking for your affection when I know you’ll never give it to me.

And it’s alright. I do not blame you for the life you’ve chosen, and your heart does not have to belong to me. But you did nothing wrong, my love. I simply have no reason to stay in the Scouts anymore.

I have left you with everything you need. You may save the world, but I beg you, do not do it at the expense of your life. Even though, I know my pleads shall never breach your judgment no matter how many.

Yours, forever, no matter what,
Nathalie

Erwin’s fingers tightened around the letter, wrinkling the paper slightly. I love you. I know you’ve been trying to escape my confession for much too long. She knew him so well. He had tried to hide it and act like nothing was happening. But there was no hiding from her. She knew him. She knew what he thought and felt and why he did what he did.

She knew him so well.

Erwin let down the letter, even though he wanted to rip it apart. He wanted to abandon everything that he had to do today, and he wanted to go out and find her. He wanted to grab her and tell her he loved her. He wanted to kiss her hard and take her back. He wanted to chase after her.

You either go after her now or lose her forever. Miche’s words came back to his mind and Erwin bit harshly down on his fist. Miche was right, but even if he did that, what then? Keep her in the scouts and keep her on his bed? Keep her by his side till he had fallen hard enough to never get back up. What then? Lose her in some battle, or she, lose him? What then? He wouldn’t move on. He might as well die with her, and he knew she wouldn’t move on without him either. He’d never wish that pain for her.

No. It was better this way. He never had to see her again. He never had to worry about hurting her or spilling out the truth, or keeping his needs, the words, everything he wanted to do and say – suppressing everything in. No. He had to focus on this damned job that he had chased after his entire life.

Erwin stood up and made his way to his bedroom, to that full body mirror to look at himself. He was a mess. He hadn’t realised he had messed up his hair, running his fingers through them for too many times. His shirt, wrinkled. His sleeves, rolled up his elbows. Blood still lingered on his nostrils after Levi’s much welcomed punch. Erwin had never been a mess like this for a woman. No woman had ever abandoned him like this.

How could he have everything, but not the woman that he loved? Why choose humanity - his dreams, over her? Why? He knew the answers, but it still frustrated him. He punched the mirror. It shattered to millions of little pieces that dug on his skin, but she wasn’t there.

She wasn’t there to scold him for doing that. She wasn’t there to take his bleeding arm in her delicate fingers and pull out the broken glass fragments and bandage his arm and then spend the rest of the evening, scolding him. Even that, he’d welcome. And she wasn’t there to bring him her tea and her delicious cakes in the evenings, or sneak behind his chair, and plant kisses on his cheek, his temple, his hair.

He had taken it all for granted. He had even cursed her for being there - just being there, making him fall deeper with every touch, every smile, every giggle, every word.

A distorted reflection of a broken man stared back at him, and even for just a second, he wished he had never chosen to carry humanity’s fate on his shoulder, because she wasn’t there. And his heart, his ego, himself – it was all broken, just like the mirror beneath his bleeding fist.

Chapter 29: Time Away

Notes:

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR AWESOME COMMENTS AND THE AWESOME SUPPORT 🥰🥰🥰🥰

There's not much Erwin in this chap, but there is progress in the plot 👀

A Few Months Later

The university was as busy as ever. It was spring and some people had exams coming up, some others were there to renew their certificates as doctors. It wasn’t a particularly practical way to prove someone’s knowledge, but these were the rules and it must be done.

Nathalie was… alright. She was alright, she kept telling herself so. She kept trying to convince herself that she was happy. She was a Professor in the university and teaching just about everything on medicine and biosciences. What was most unpleasant – but not surprising, was that she was the only woman who was a professor. The only amongst a hundred other men, old enough to be her grandpas. She hated it, but that was life. Women belonged in the house. No. She was there to prove everybody wrong.

Her anorexic tendencies were back in full force, but she had learned to deal with them. Passing out in the bathroom couldn’t be that bad, could it?

Still, better than being in the Scouts. She no longer had to watch people die, nor go out on Expeditions. She no longer had to be someone else’s pet. She was her own woman, and she loved that more than any other perk in her new life. She owned an apartment in Trost, nearby to her parents’, but she was getting well paid with her new job. Better than she was getting paid when she was risking her life on a daily basis.

And today was one of those days that she had to approve the certificates of fifteen doctors so that they could keep practicing their profession. Nathalie looked down at the next, and last name of the day. She was in her office and waited for a man to walk in.

He was tall, with dark hair and bright green eyes. He was wearing circular glasses and took off his hat to greet her as he walked in. “Dr Grisha Yeager,” Nathalie gave him a smile. “Please take a seat,”

Nathalie started making him the standard questions and he began answering everything expertly. He had to admit, it was surprising to find a woman in this place, holding an office amongst the professors. But she was the best of the best, and he had heard her name talked amongst the pupils, but he hadn’t yet caught her surname.

“Excuse me, if I may…” Grisha said after they finished with the exam, and she started stamping his papers and putting down signatures. She looked up at him. “…what is your name, Dr?”

She smiled at him. “I’m Nathalie Burgess,” She chuckled. “I’m not a doctor quite yet, but I am working on a thesis,”

The man’s eyes widened. “E- Excuse me, did you just say you’re a… a Burgess?”

Nathalie looked at him for a moment. He looked shocked. Did he… know? Nathalie stood up and shut the door of her office to give themselves some privacy. She approached the man again and whispered.

“What do you know about the Burgesses?”

“I came from Marley,” Grisha whispered, and her eyes widened. “We need to talk, but not here,”

Nathalie nodded. “Agreed,” A man from Marley? She needed to know. She needed to ask him and make sure that all the information in those memories that came to her were correct.

“Come for dinner tonight if you can.” Grisha offered. “My wife makes excellent stew,”

Nathalie shrugged. “A- Alright, what… district you’re at?”

“Shiganshina,” Grisha smiled kindly. Wow, that was far. “I could escort you,”

༻◊۞◊༺

Dr Yeager was a kind man with ambition. He told her about the restorationists on their way to Shiganshina in the carriage. He told her about his first wife and child and everything just confirmed the things she had written down on those notebooks.

Nathalie let out a sigh of relief and rested back against her seat. They had been whispering the entire time because God knows what the MPs would do to them if they heard them talk about the outside world and all the truth of it. Still, Nathalie was relieved, no matter how bad everything about the outside world sounded.

“So, how did you end up here?” Grisha finally asked her and Nathalie bit her lip.

“My parents… they came here, and I was… born here, but they left…” She looked away. “…I never met them,”

“Wait, you’re… the daughter of Johannes and Amelia?” Grisha asked and her eyes widened. A sparkle of hope.

“Did you know them?” Even though they had abandoned her and it had scarred her for life, Nathalie still wanted to know everything about them. She wished she had met them. She wished they had raised her. She knew she had roots. She just knew that they weren’t on Paradis.

“I’m afraid not, but before I was sent here, the man who sent me, talked about a bigger plan. The Burgesses’ Plan to save all Eldians without any need for bloodshed,”

Nathalie pursed her lips and took off her glasses running her hand through her tired eyes. “I know what the plan is. I have figured out how to eradicate the existence of the power of the titans with absolutely harmless measures, but I need time, and I need equipment that I can’t find on this island,”

“I don’t know how possible this is, but we had intel of a full laboratory facility beneath the very royal castle,” Grisha said and her eyes widened. There was a laboratory?! Nathalie had to find it. She had to have access to it right away. That was all she needed. She needed to get her hands on that equipment and put her knowledge to use.

“Is that true?!” Nathalie asked. Excitement washed over her. She wanted to get her hands on some actual equipment. A real, full lab.

“There is only one way to find out,” Grisha said. That same excitement flashed in his eyes. “We need to infiltrate the castle,”

Nathalie scoffed. “That’s impossible. It’s armed to the teeth and you’ve no idea how much of a pain in the ass the Interior MPs can be,”

“My dear,” Grisha chuckled. “There’s nothing that can get in the way of two brilliant scientists, is there?”

Nathalie sighed heavily. What the hell had she gotten herself into? She parted her lips to speak, but the carriage finally stopped. Grisha opened the door and walked out. He offered his hand for her to catch and walk out of the carriage. Grisha paid the man at the front before the two of them began walking towards his house within the streets of Shiganshina.

It wasn’t a long time later that they were at the main street and the large bells started ringing, signalling the opening of the gates. The only reason the gates would open for, would be for the Scouts. Nathalie’s eyes widened as the two of them settled to the sides of the street amongst with the rest of the people. No. No way. Why today?!

Nathalie caught Grisha’s sleeve, and she hid behind him. “Hide me!”

Grisha looked down at her confusedly for a moment before he stood in front of her. “That’s quite a strange request,” He commented as he watched the Scouts entering, riding on their horses, their young Commander first and his Section Commanders and Captains around him. Nathalie cowered even more behind him. Thank goodness, he was much taller than her, enough to thoroughly hide her small form behind him. “May I ask why?”

“You may not!” Nathalie shouted-whispered and shut her eyes. She didn’t want to see them, but at the same time she wanted to know that they were okay. “Is the Commander looking alive?”

“Uh… yes?”

“A- And Captain Levi?”

“Very alive and… grumpy,”

Nathalie nodded. “Thank you,” She let out a sigh of relief. They were okay. They were alive. She had only been exchanging letters with Hange or Moblit and they both kept her updated, but she hadn’t seen any of them up close ever since she left. And when the Scouts were gone, and the people continued their chores Nathalie walked out from behind him and she sighed heavily, dusting her wrinkled skirt. “Thanks for that,”

“You seemed quite scared that they’d recognise you,” Grisha arched an eyebrow as he led her to his home.

Nathalie bit the inside of her cheek. “I… I was a Scout,”

Grisha’s eyes widened. A Burgess? Being an actual warrior? Battling titans? The Burgesses were practically made to be in their labs and do research, and then it was she, who was a soldier of the cruellest Regiment.

“Did you desert?”

She scoffed. “Of course not! I was already considered a veteran when I left, so I had the right to leave and choose a different profession,”

“I see,” Grisha nodded. “I guess you couldn’t handle the hardships out there, and I totally understand. I find the people who join the Scouts brave and remarkable,”

“I had more than hardships to handle, Dr Yeager,” Nathalie sighed. There was no way she could explain everything.

“Please, call me Grisha,” He stopped walking. “Ah, here we are,”

Nathalie followed him into his house, but they never got to walk in when the piercing voice of a ten-year-old reached her ears. “Dad! Did you see the Scouts?! Weren’t they amazing?!”

Grisha chuckled. “Indeed, they were,”

The boy with the bright green eyes wasn’t alone. There was another boy, blonde with bright blue eyes and a girl, with pitch black and unique features on her face. She had a red scarf wrapped around her neck.

“Eren, Mikasa, Armin, I would like you three to meet Nathalie. She’s a doctor like me,” Grisha explained to the little ones and Armin’s eyes widened.

“A woman doctor? That is remarkable, you must be very smart, ma’am!” Armin spoke and Nathalie chuckled.

Nathalie knelt down to their height. It was always more appropriate to kneel in front of children in order to talk to them. Towering over them was not welcome by them. “Why thank you very much, Armin. And please, call me Nathalie, or Nat,”

“I’ll call you Nat!” Eren said with a smile. “It’s nice to meet ya!”

Nathalie chuckled and stood back up. “Likewise,”

“Will you be staying for dinner?” Mikasa asked.

“If you’ll have me,”

“Of course!” Eren walked in the house with the other three following and two adults from behind. “Mom! Can Armin and Nat stay for dinner?”

A woman with dark hair and brown huge eyes was by the kitchen counter, with an apron wrapped around her and dressed similarly as Nathalie, with a skirt and a shirt. She had a kind smile on her face and Grisha placed a hand on Nathalie’s shoulder.

“Carla, this is Nathalie Burgess, I will be assisting her with her thesis,” Grisha said and Nathalie lent a hand over to Carla for a handshake.

“Aw! What’s it about?” Carla asked and Nathalie tensed up right away. How was she supposed to explain that she was trying to eradicate the existence of all titans?

“I- I- I- well it’s o- on titans!” Nathalie said, hoping that Carla knowing that there was someone researching on titans wasn’t too much of a dangerous information to know.

“Aw, that sounds interesting, darling,” Carla turned back on the kitchen counter to finish serving the food, and she caught two more dishes.

“Let me help you with that,” Nathalie offered as they began to make the table.

“Eren! Show Dr Burgess where we hold the cutlery!” Carla cried out to her son.

Eren groaned and threw his head back in annoyance. “Fine!”

They looked like a happy family. Eren was very energetic, and Armin sounded very, very smart. Mikasa seemed introverted and closed into herself, but that was alright. Nathalie knew that feeling because she was the same in her age. Carla was so kind, and her cooking was delicious. Nathalie could barely understand how Grisha was able to move on after losing his first family and creating another family that was just great. Nathalie had been wanting a family too. She wanted a whiny son like Eren who was just never satisfied with anything. Or a blonde, blue-eyed angel that would probably be smarter than herself and his dad combined.

A blonde blue-eyed angel that would have taken after his dad. Would Erwin be a good father? Nathalie couldn’t say, but she’d like to imagine him as an amazing dad. Yet, she had tried imagining him as a husband, a partner, a lover, and all her expectations were proven wrong.

Maybe she didn’t know Erwin that well after all.

But that’s why she had left. She couldn’t be with Erwin. She couldn’t be with Levi. She didn’t want to be with anybody. She hadn’t done many relationships in her life, but two were enough to let her know that relationships brought nothing but trouble.

So, Nathalie tried to ignore her anorexia, at least for one night, and actually eat Carla’s stew, because it was delicious, and she didn’t want to make them think that she didn’t like it. There was nothing wrong with the food. And even though her stomach growled for it, Nathalie still found it hard to swallow every single spoon of soup.

And when they were done eating and Nathalie had offered to wash the dishes, Carla and Mikasa helped around to put things back in place. Armin’s uncle came to pick him up and Carla took Eren and Mikasa to bed. Grisha took Nathalie to the basement, in his makeshift lab with many, many herbs and tools and books and notebooks. He was a doctor indeed, she could tell.

He pulled out one of his notebooks and handed it to her. There was a picture of him and his previous family. A blonde, and possibly blue-eyed woman, and a young, blonde boy, and possibly blue-eyed like his mother. They looked nice, all three of them in the black and white picture.

“So, photographs and cameras really do exist,” Nathalie settled down on a chair that faced his desk. In her memories, some stuff looked impossible to believe, but he was only proving those visions correct.

Grisha chuckled. “Indeed. Do you know about the sea? And all the other countries?”

“Only through memories,” Nathalie answered, and she let down the photograph and looked up at him. “Listen, Grisha… the family you’ve got… I’d kill for something like that,” She closed his notebook. “They’re precious. You’ve already lost a family, don’t make the same mistake,”

Grisha sighed heavily and crashed down on another chair. He took off his glasses and rested them on the desk. “I am afraid… I don’t have much time,”

Nathalie’s eyes widened. He was sick? No, it didn’t look like it. “You’ve inherited a titan, haven’t you?”

Grisha chuckled. “They’re right about you Burgesses. You are brilliant,”

Nathalie shook her head ignoring his comment. “Which one, Grisha?”

“It’s called the Attack Titan. It’s the-”

“Usurper, I know,” Nathalie sighed heavily. This was bad. “Rebellious. Reckless. It’s the titan that’s obsessed with freedom and hates the enslaved. Seeks to free the oppressed, but wants anything but peace,” Nathalie repeated the words of her ancestors. The Burgesses had made specific definitions for each titan. And that was how they defined the Attack Titan. “That is a dangerous titan you have. How long do you have left?”

“Three years,”

Nathalie chuckled bitterly. “Three years?! What the hell’s going to happen to Carla and Eren if you’re not there to provide for them? Heck, what if something happens to Carla and Eren is left alone?!”

“He’ll be more than capable of protecting himself. He will inherit the titan from me,” Grisha said.

Nathalie scoffed. “So what? You’re gonna have him dying at his… what? Twenty-five? Hell, maybe less,” She made a quick calculation.

“That’s why you’re here for, Nathalie, you need to figure out how to eradicate the existence of the power of the titans!” Grisha burst.

“I have figured it out, but you’re being an overly terrible father,” Nathalie had to point that out and spit it to his face. She couldn’t help it. It was true. She would never choose to have a family whilst she had already set her mind on saving the world. “It’s exactly what my parents did to me,” She stood up to leave, but he caught her hand, standing behind her.

“You’re right,” Grisha said urging her to turn and look at him. “You’re absolutely right. I am a terrible father. I failed once, I am going to fail twice, but I need to know that I have your support. I need to know that you are willing to help my people,”

She sighed. “I guess this was their plan all along,” She took her hand away from Grisha’s. “I grew up amongst Eldians. I played with them when I was a child. I fought with them against titans. I lived with them… I loved them,” Nathalie turned her back on him and Erwin’s face flashed in her mind. Levi. Hange, Moblit, Miche, Nanaba, and millions of others. “I will save your people, because they’re my people as well,” She turned and looked at him.

“I just want one last favour,” Grisha placed a hand on her shoulder. “If something happens to me… or Carla, please take care of Eren and Mikasa,”

Nathalie chuckled. “They are… precious,” She looked up at him. “You have my word,”

Chapter 30: The Fall of Wall Maria

Notes:

Wanna thank EVERYBODY FOR THE AWESOME SUPPORT!!!!!

Enjoyyyyyyy

Three Years Later (Nat is 27, Erwin is 32, Levi is 28, Eren is 12)

Headache. Terrible headache, and the taste of blood on her tongue. Nathalie had been resting her head down on her arm, on her desk. Her head buzzed and the pain was unbearable. She lifted her head off the desk, and she ran her hand through her forehead. The morning light entered from the window of her apartment in Trost. The new day had dawned, but she knew she had no reasons to worry about rushing to the university. She had no lectures to give today, her favourite day of the week.

Nathalie drew in a breath, and it only resulted in her coughing. She grabbed one of her bloody handkerchiefs and began to cough, over and over, till her throat was sore and burning in pain. Till the muscles of her stomach were aching as well and she was out of breath. Nathalie sucked a few breaths in and breathed heavily and looked at the blood-red tissue that she had coughed out. Droplets of blood had stained her open books and notebooks, and papers full of equations.

Nathalie pulled herself to stand up, gathering her handkerchiefs in one hand and limping her way to the bathroom. She had to clean up her handkerchiefs, and she had to clean up her face, her hands, the blood off her mouth and lips and nostrils. Chills ran down all over her and only then did she realise how cold she was feeling. Nathalie stood in front of the mirror in her bathroom and looked at herself. She was so pale. Unnaturally so. Should she be worried? It had only been three years. She had plenty more, but it really did a number on her.

Her wrists had grown so thin, and her bones had started protruding from her skin and the lack of fat. She had stopped forcing herself to eat. She had stopped trying to create a normal sleeping schedule. All she cared about was her thesis. Her research. She had used the university’s expensive microscopes and equipment to study the titan spinal fluid – all on her own in the late evenings when the university was empty.

She was so close. So close, all she needed was something to maintain somebody’s human form. Something. A protein from the titan spinal fluid of a titan-shifter perhaps, but there was no way she could find anybody like that, and she couldn’t risk letting Grisha transform. Not within the walls at least. She had to gather titan spinal fluid from Grisha’s titan form, but they could not risk that. Who knows what the MPs were going to do to them if Grisha was sighted in that form.

Titan-shifters get to create a titan body out of thin air, but even though they have their titan genes activated, their own body doesn’t change in shape except when needed to heal. Which means that the protein that heals is the one that it’s working, but the other protein that turns them into titans is being regulated by some other substance.

Nathalie had to find what that was, whatever it was. She just needed a sample. She only needed a sample and she had figured out how to do the rest. She just needed a sample.

Grisha had sent her a letter – about how he had found the true royal family, and how he knew exactly what to do. He asked her to not try and stop him. And she didn’t. No matter how much he was failing as a father, she trusted him as a man who knew what he was doing. He didn’t give her any further information, hoping for ignorance to keep her safe.

Nathalie stopped thinking when she sensed something. It was far, far away, it wasn’t in Trost, but she sensed footsteps. Footsteps of a much, much larger and heavier titan that she had ever heard – and maybe it was because of its size, that she could actually sense it from such a long distance.

If the enemy could enter from anywhere, it would be Shiganshina. Shiganshina was at the front of all walls. They had broken through the gates, hadn’t they? Nathalie’s eyes widened and she hurried towards her room. She had no idea how she was going to find the energy to fight somehow, but Eren and Armin and Mikasa were there. Carla and Grisha were there and many other people, and for all she knew, the Survey Corps could be outside the walls, and how the hell were they going to come back if Shiganshina and Wall Maria itself had been compromised.

Nathalie panicked. She was hyperventilating as she dropped to her knees and pulled a box from beneath her bed. She opened it and found her ODM gear beneath. She was rusty. She had no idea how she was going to handle the Colossal Titan – because such footsteps only a Colossal would make, but she at least had to go there and save those kids. She had promised Grisha she’d look after them. They were precious. She would visit them almost every once a week.

Her ODM was full of gas, and her blades were still sharp. There was no rust, and it was not surprising. Iron Bamboo did not rust easy. She only lubricated the handles and made sure they were working properly before she changed into black trousers and a black, long sleeved, buttoned up shirt and strapped the ODM gear on top of her.

She knew she was in no state to fight a titan. She hadn’t done it in three years. All she did was sit on her ass and teach and experiment and write down, filling notebook after notebook, but who knows what the hell was happening right now? Nathalie wrapped a black cloak around her body, to cover her ODM gear as much as possible. She was a veteran – she had the right to keep her ODM gear even after no longer being a soldier, but she preferred to hide it because she had no time for Garrison or MP officers stopping her in the middle of a street for identification.

And the streets were a mess. The bells were ringing. They broke through Wall Maria! Wall Maria has fallen! Fugitives are coming from all directions! Her worst fears had been realised. Nathalie shook the reins of her horse and she hurried. Hundreds of people were coming for Trost and Wall Rose, and she was heading in the opposite direction like a madwoman. And maybe she was. Because she couldn’t fight.

She hadn’t eaten a proper meal in days, and she hadn’t had a proper sleep in just as long. Because she was a mess and her headache was growing worse, and there were most likely only 40 kgs/88 lbs left of her, and she was hurrying over towards destruction. Some Garrison Officers tried to stop her, but she ignored them.

Nathalie reached Shiganshina in a matter of minutes. Her horse was fast, and she only prayed it wouldn’t die today beneath the feet of a titan. Her eyes widened as she looked at the Colossal Titan, easily taller than the wall and then there was -what looked like the- Armoured Titan. They were magnificent to stare at, but then there was the destruction. People crying, lost children shouting, mothers looking for their children. People lying dead beneath the debris of their houses, and some of them were on fire. It was hell.

Nathalie hurried towards the street that she knew it would lead to the Yeagers’. She had walked that street too many times already. She wanted to save everyone, but she was alone, and the Garrison Officers were lacking the skill. All they did was lead the citizens – as many as they could – to safety.

A titan showed up right in front of her. Nathalie pushed herself up on the saddle and she jumped up, hooking her ODM on its hand. She sliced the fingers of the hand that came for her and she sliced its nape off with a swift move. She sent her hook to another titan. It was too slow. She sliced its nape as well before it had the chance to do anything. Nathalie landed on a building and saw a middle-aged blonde man running towards her with Eren and Mikasa in his arms. Eren was screaming and crying and when he turned at Nathalie, he recognised her.

“Nat! They got mom! They got mom! Please! Do something!”

Nathalie turned at the titan who had grabbed Carla and was about to snap her in half. Her eyes widened. She hurried, maneuvering from building to building till she reached the titan. She had no time to kill it, she had to save Carla. Nathalie hooked herself on its shoulder and she sliced its hand off. It let go of Carla, and Nathalie caught her, and pulled her away from its jaws. Nathalie landed back down on a rooftop with Carla in her one arm. She was crying. She was in shock. And of course, she was.

She had just been nearly devoured.

“N- Nathalie…”

“I’ve got you. I’ve got you,” Nathalie watched as the titan lost interest in Carla and caught some other unfortunate man that was closer to it. She took the chance and maneuvered away with Carla in one arm, the handle in the other. Nathalie reached the kids and the blonde man, and she lied Carla down on the soil.

“Mom!” Eren shouted as he escaped the man’s hold and knelt down to his mother with Mikasa beside him.

“Lieutenant Burgess!” The man said saluting her. “I’m Captain Hannes. We need to take those kids to safety!”

“Agreed, Captain. Please, carry Carla while I look for Grisha,” Nathalie turned around to hurry over their house, but Eren talked.

“Dad’s not here…” The young boy cupped his mother’s face, but she seemed to be drifting away. Nathalie looked at her legs. They had been crushed indeed. “Mom… Mom! You need to stay with us, you’ll be alright, Nat’s here, you just need to come with us,”

“Eren…” Carla parted her lips to say something. Her half-lidded eyes stared up at Eren, and her bloody hand reached for his face. The tears that had drenched his cheeks – she tried to wipe them away but her hand fell back down in absolute exhaustion. She was dying. She had lost so much blood. Nathalie cursed herself, because if she was better – if she had figured out that damned serum, she could have used it on Carla, and she could have saved her. “…I love you, my sweet boy,” Carla spoke with a weak smile. She looked at Mikasa briefly. “Both of you,” She added and then she took Eren’s hand in her own. “Nat… will… take care of you both… now,”

“No, no, no, no, you’re coming with us, you’re coming with us, you just need to…” Eren tried to speak, but her grip loosened around his fingers and her head rolled back. She was gone. And he began crying and screaming for her to wake up, but she wouldn’t. She was gone.

“We need to get out of here,” Hannes said. Multiple titans approaching them from all directions.

“You take the kids out of here… I’ll clear the way,” Nathalie nodded at Hannes. She wiped a few stray tears from her cheeks, and she knelt down, cupping Eren’s face and wiping his own tears off his cheeks.

“I’m not going anywhere without mom!”

“Eren! Eren, listen to me,” Nathalie cupped his cheeks, and her eyes met his own. “We need to get out of here. She would have wanted you live, okay? I’ll take care of you two now,” Nathalie brought both Mikasa and Eren in her hug, letting them both cry on her shoulders. “Hannes will take you to safety, and I’ll find you,”

“I’m not losing anybody else, you’re coming with us!” Eren pulled back.

Nathalie smiled at him. “I’ll be right behind you,”

“C’mon! Kids! Let’s go!” Hannes picked them both back up in his arms and passed right beneath the feet of a titan. Nathalie sliced off the gigantic arm that came for them, and she hooked herself to climb all the way up and slice its nape of.

She did it again, and again. She had lost count of the titans that she took out that day, but she made it back to Trost by dawn. The kids were safe. She would find them tomorrow at the camps that they had made for all fugitives. There was chaos everywhere. Nathalie had discarded somewhere her cloak. She was now in her pitch-black clothes and her silver ODM gear that was now useless.

She was drenched in blood from her useless attempts to help the Garrison Officers and save a few of the wounded people. Nathalie looked like a criminal when she walked into the Survey Corps HQ in Trost. She had blood all over her. Her hair, a mess, and her black clothes, even darker. Her ODM, useless, but she was going to replenish her blades and gas because who knows what the next destruction might be.

Nathalie broke into Erwin’s office. “We need to talk,” She said, and even though there were many people in his office at the moment – people she did not recognise, probably new troops.

Erwin’s eyes widened. The last thing he expected to happen right now was see her. She had left. She had left three years ago without a word, and now she was back? Why? Surely, she wasn’t there to see him. Why would she come to see him at such a crucial hour? No, she was there to talk to him about the fall of Wall Maria. And she was wearing her ODM, and black clothes and she had blood everywhere. On her arms, her hands, her face, her clothes. She must have been at the front, all on her own. What if she had gotten eaten? He wouldn’t learn about it until her own parents would tell him, or until he’d find her tombstone nearby his father’s in the Trost cemetery.

“Leave us,” Erwin nodded at his soldiers and officers before everybody walked out and closed the door behind.

And once everybody was gone, Nathalie finally spoke. “It was the Colossal and Armoured Titans. I saw them myself,”

“You went to the front? On your own?” Erwin looked away from her as he sorted some of his papers on his desk. “You could’ve died,”

“Since when do you care?”

He finally looked up at her. He couldn’t believe her. “I always care,”

“I’m not here to discuss this, I’m here to warn you,” Nathalie changed the subject. She did not want to talk about this. “Those titans have people stirring them, and this chaos was a perfect distraction for them to come in and be accepted as full Eldians,” Nathalie approached his desk and slammed a fist on the surface. “We have at least two enemy spies anywhere right now, and we don’t know where they are, or who they are, and they can turn into titans any moment and bring more chaos,”

Erwin sighed heavily. This all was far more important than what she thought of him. I love you, she had written on that letter, and he had missed her so much. He hadn’t seen her at all in all those three years. He wanted to hold her right now, and kiss her, and let the world go to hell. But those thoughts were wrong. Everything about his needs right now, his desires – everything was wrong.

But even in the mess of all the fighting, she looked beautiful. Even from the clear fact that she had gotten thinner, and she looked more tired – not just cause of the fighting, Nathalie looked genuinely tired. She had neglected herself again, hadn’t she?

Erwin chose to ignore this all. He wanted to ask her about her wellbeing. He wanted to talk to her about everything that she had written on that letter. But there was nothing that he could add to that letter’s contents. Everything she had told him was true. Her reasons to abandon him made sense. And yet she was back, but not for long, not for him. He had no idea how long it’d take till the next time he’d see her, but there was no way he could make a move right now. There was no way he could grab her and kiss her, because she would simply push him away – and that almost sounded worse than being trampled by a titan.

“You’re right,” Erwin sighed heavily. “Thank you, for that, Nathalie,”

“That will be all,” Nathalie turned around to head for the door of his office and leave, but he spoke, and he stopped her.

“Any chance you’ll be coming back? I could use a Section Commander,” Erwin said, and she stopped, standing by the door, her hand on the doorknob. There was no way she could go back into the Scouts. She had children to raise and take in and love and take care of. She couldn’t be risking her life whilst she was the only one they had because, who knows what kind of stupidity had Grisha done, and who knows whether he was even alive.

“I’ll only come back if somebody I care about is stupid enough to join,” Nathalie said, and that could only mean that there was no one that she cared about in the Scouts right now. It wasn’t him. It wasn’t Levi, nor Hange, nor Moblit, and – again – it wasn’t him. She had joined the Scouts for him, and then she left because she stopped caring about him. She stopped seeking his love, his affection. She stopped seeking him. And he hated it. He hated it because he wanted to be the only thing that she’d have on her mind. He wanted to invade her thoughts every hour every second, every minute of the day. He wanted her to be his. But he couldn’t have that, could he? He was the one to push her away in the first place.

Nathalie left without so much of a word. She didn’t even turn to look at him.

Chapter 31: Motherly Instincts

Notes:

I WANNA THANK EVERYONE WHO'S READING AND LEAVING COMMENTS THANK YOU SO MUCH DJFKHBGJKFDSM

PLS ENJOY

“Armin Arlert, Eren Yeager, and Mikasa Ackerman,” The soldier looked at the three kids that stood in front of him. They didn’t seem to have any people to take them, and there were so many children just like them in the camp that they had set for the refugees. “Any relatives left? Anyone you’d like us to contact to come and get you? Family friends?”

“Me,” Nathalie rushed into the camp and stood in front of the soldier. The kids turned and looked at her. Their faces immediately brightened. “They have me. I was a family friend,” Nathalie pulled out her identification and handed it to the soldier.

“Ex-Lieutenant of the Scout Regiment,” The Garrison soldier said as he handed her back her identification. “They will be drafting you back in. We need help in the frontlines,”

“Until then, officer,” Nathalie said. “Those kids will live under my guardianship,” She couldn’t deny it, she dreaded for that letter that was going to come from the Survey Corps to her doorstep, asking her to go back in. They indeed needed more soldiers. They were trying to keep titans from flooding the entirety of Wall Maria and there were still people to save from Wall Maria.

The soldier nodded. “Alright,”

“Nat!” Armin cried out and fell in her arms.

Nathalie sank on her knees to reach their height and wrap her arms around them. She buried her face on both Eren’s and Armin’s shoulders. “Everything will be alright, now, my darlings. I’ve got you,”

Of course, she didn’t expect to replace their parents. Nathalie could never hope to do that no matter how much she wanted to. But she could at least give them a place to stay – in her apartment in Trost. She could provide for them and be there for them, and that was it. She could never replace their parents. Those roles were irreplaceable.

Settling in one apartment was cosy enough. It was no longer overly spacious like it was when Nathalie first bought it. It had almost looked too big for her – just one person. But now they were four, and she had tried her best to keep their attention away from everything related to the titans and the fall of Wall Maria. A few days went by, and the Regiments began enlisting people back in. And then the letter came for Nathalie to join urgently. She had a medical degree. She was more important than any other soldier.

She had to tell them. They would be free to live in her apartment and she’d send money to them, but she had to go, and she had to let them know. Nathalie had no idea how long she was going to stay this time. Heck, she had no idea whether she was going to make it out alive. And it hurt even more because, before any of this, she didn’t have someone to go back to. Sure, she had her parents, but they had accepted the fact that one day their daughter may not make it back.

But now she had kids. They were under her guardianship. Maybe there was some exempt that she could get just because she was considered the guardian of three minors? Nathalie had to look into it, but for now, she finished making lunch and Mikasa was helping her. Mikasa was surprisingly good with cooking and chopping vegetables.

Nathalie smiled as she looked at the girl who was chopping the salad whilst she checked at the food in the oven. “You’re good at this,” Nathalie commented.

Mikasa continued looking away from her. That girl was always so hard to breach and see what she was feeling. She was reminding her of Levi. Levi was hard to figure out. But she could learn. If there was anything Nathalie was good at, it was learning.

“My… mom taught me how to cook,” Mikasa spoke quietly, and she nuzzled her nose further into the red scarf that she didn’t seem to want to get rid of.

“Then she must have been a great teacher,” Nathalie looked back down at the oven. “You know, my mom never taught me how to cook,” She pulled out the potato pie that she had made and placed it on the wooden counter. “I just grabbed a pan one day, and I instantly knew what to do,” She chuckled. But that was only because she was a Burgess. “There are some very special people in this world, Mikasa. And who’s to say you’re not one of them?” Mikasa was an Ackerman. She was more than special. She was to become warrior one day. A great one, and Nathalie would look up to her. “Right, food’s ready. Let’s call the boys back in, hmm?”

Nathalie and Mikasa found Eren into a fight – again. It wasn’t the first time Nathalie had scolded a bunch of kids before dragging Eren back home and scolding him as well. She knew lecturing and scolding never really worked, but that boy didn’t want to learn.

“Listen to me, darling, you can’t keep getting yourself in trouble like that. Mikasa will not always be there to look after you,” Nathalie tended to Eren’s scraped knee and he winced slightly as she placed a cloth drenched in alcohol on his wound.

“Well, I don’t need her help!”

“Yes, you do. Some people can be talented fighters, and some others cannot. Mikasa is clearly talented, and Armin’s talent is clearly intelligence,” Nathalie explained.

“And what is my talent? Causing trouble?” Eren talked back and she grinned.

“Well, that’d be some talent,” Nathalie teased, and she tied a cloth around his scraped knee and then tended to that cut on his cheek. “Hmm, I do believe that your talent is knowing what’s right,” She pulled back to look at him in his huge green eyes. “But the problem is, not everybody will agree with you, and they don’t have to. And you shouldn’t even try to convince them,” Nathalie pulled away the cloth and the bottle of alcohol. “Forcing your opinions on someone else – even if you are right, it’s wrong, agreed?”

Eren sighed heavily. “Fine,”

Nathalie smiled at him. “C’mon. Lunch’s ready,”

“Oh, Nat!” Armin spoke the moment Nathalie and Eren approached the table. “I forgot to buy bread like you asked. I was trying to get Eren out of trouble, and… you know,” Armin rubbed the back of his neck shyly.

“Hey!” Eren cried out irritated.

“Aw, it’s alright, darling,” Nathalie grabbed her bag and passed it around her shoulder. “Tell you what? Let’s go get some together,”

Armin nodded with a smile. “Alright!”

“Mikasa, keep an eye on Eren will you? You two can start eating without us,” Nathalie said and Mikasa nodded.

“I’m not a baby! I don’t need babysitting!” Eren cried out irritated again.

Nathalie grinned and ruffled his hair. “Is that so? Prove it to me,” Eren parted his lips to say something, but nothing went out. “C’mon, darling,”

Nathalie and Armin walked out and back into the busy streets of Trost. The market was still as busy as ever even though it was late in the morning, around 1pm. Nathalie could bake bread herself, but Eren liked the other breads better and she was spoiling him, wasn’t she? It was alright. Those kids had lost their parents and she was a bad substitute.

Armin’s hand sank in her own as the two of them walked within the market and searched for a certain vendor. “Nat…” Armin said, catching her attention. “…thank you,” He said. There was nothing more that he had to say.

Nathalie looked down at him confusedly. “What for, darling?”

“Taking us in. You had no reason to,” Armin said. His fingers tightened around her own. Nathalie scoffed. You had no reason to. Bullshit.

“I had every reason to,” Nathalie said. “Tell me Armin, if you were a young adult like me, would you do the same for a child?”

“Of course, I would,” Armin said, and she smiled down at him.

“Then that’s all the reason I need,” Nathalie looked up ahead. “Ah! Here we are,” The two of them approached the cart. “Choose whichever you want, darling,”

Nathalie had no idea. She had no idea Erwin was nearby. Probably getting that apartment in the same district as the Scout Regiment HQ was a bad idea because Erwin had gone out for a job and now, he was on his way back, passing through the market and he just had to see her. In all her perfection, her messy brown hair, her bright blue shirt, her black skirt, her nerdy, circular glasses on her nose and that smile on her lips. But most surprising of all, a boy beside her. A boy that looked no more than twelve and he was blonde and had huge blue eyes and for a moment, Erwin actually panicked.

Erwin actually questioned himself… was this boy his son? He hadn’t been quite careful when he’d take her all those nights a few years ago. And now he was panicking even more. She was holding the boy’s hand whilst the two of them walked around. Was she actually… a mother…?

Erwin didn’t even sit down to do the math. He approached them, and he tried to keep his calm. “Nathalie,” A familiar voice came from behind her, and she turned around to look at them. She met the bright blue eyes of the man that she once loved.

Nathalie urged herself to gather her composure and she wrapped an arm around Armin’s shoulders. “E- Erwin, a pleasant surprise. T- This is Armin,” She turned at Armin. “Armin, this is Commander Erwin Smith of the Scout Regiment,”

“T- The Commander of the… Survey Corps,” Armin mumbled surprised, and the man’s attire was enough to confirm his realisation. “S- Sir, it’s an honour to meet you!”

“Likewise, Armin,” Erwin gave him a smile before he took Nathalie’s hand in his own and began dragging her away. “Would you excuse us?”

Before either Armin or Nathalie got the chance to say a word, Erwin pulled Nathalie away from the boy, but not too much further, just enough to be able and talk to her.

“E- Erwin what is it?” Nathalie tried to pull her hand away from the grip of his own, but his fingers only tightened around her forearm almost bruising the flesh.

“He’s not mine, is he?” Erwin asked and it took Nathalie a large moment to figure out what he was actually talking about. Nathalie looked up at him and then back at Armin who was standing just a few feet behind him. And then she looked back up at Erwin and there were indeed similarities, but she was still trying to process what he meant.

“Uh… what?” Nathalie asked confusedly. She could have sworn, Erwin Smith was the only man to drive a Burgess confused.

“The boy,” Erwin repeated. “He’s not our son, is he?”

Nathalie’s eyes widened. “WHAT?! NO! The math, Erwin! Do the math!” She clamped a hand around her mouth. She had no idea why she had yelled so loud, but she made sure to muffle herself. If they had a child, they’d be three years old, not twelve. She groaned and she looked up at him as he sighed, and his shoulders relaxed in relief.

“Mom!”

Nathalie gritted her teeth as she felt familiar footsteps approaching from behind and she turned around to watch Eren and Mikasa running towards her. Oh boy. Eren had barely ever called her that and usually it was by mistake. But this moment was the worst moment for him to make that mistake. And he hadn’t even noticed it.

“Mikasa won’t stop getting on my damn nerves!” Eren glared at Mikasa, and Nathalie gasped.

“Language, young man!” Nathalie turned at Eren and placed a hand on his shoulder. “What did I tell you? Stay home till Armin and I are back and don’t cause any trouble,”

“I wasn’t getting on his nerves. He just wanted another slice of your-” Mikasa began explaining and Nathalie cut her.

“It’s alright, darling, I understand,” Nathalie turned at Armin. “Armin! Come over here,” He approached, and she looked at the three. “Why won’t you three go back home and start lunch, and I’ll be right behind you?”

“Fine!”

The three nodded before they left, and Nathalie sighed heavily and rubbed her aching forehead. Those kids were a menace that she ironically adored. And Erwin could not believe his eyes. Three children? Since when? Had she actually moved on. Maybe they were the kids of the man that she had married. Erwin felt bitterness spreading beneath his chest. He had to get out of here.

“You’ve moved on, I understand,” Erwin said before he turned his back on her and tried to leave. He needed a drink. She was probably married. She was probably so far out from his reach.

“Aw, relax, they lost their parents, they lost everything after Wall Maria fell, I just took them in,” Nathalie said, and his hopes were back where they had always been.

“Oh!” Erwin turned to look at her with a small smile on his lips. “T- That’s… that’s uh… that’s great- that’s good of you – uh, I mean, it’s a good thing… you did… taking those kids in…” Erwin practically wanted to bang his head against some wall. He had never stuttered so much in front of a woman. He had ridiculed himself. He had to get out of here. Erwin couldn’t believe his face was heating up and he immediately looked away.

She had an amused expression on her face. She had rarely ever seen him like this. All embarrassed and worked up. “You were actually worried that for a second I was married,”

“No,” Erwin frowned. “I was worried you were married to the wrong man,”

“And what’s the right man for me?” Nathalie asked arching an eyebrow and he parted his lips to say something, but he couldn’t utter a word.

This whole conversation was pointless. There was nothing to be achieved talking about this. He had work to do. He had to get back to HQ. “I have to get back to HQ. Have a good day,” Erwin left immediately, and he rubbed his forehead when he heard her familiar laugh coming from behind.

She no longer looked as tired as she’d usually do. She looked better. She had started gaining some weight and there were no dark circles around her eyes. She couldn’t neglect herself when she knew that she had people relying on her. People she cared about greatly. It suited her. Being a mom. She handled those three so well, he could tell. And she was on her own. She was all on her own. Parenting suited her. It suited her well.

Nathalie shook her head and turned to go back to her apartment with the kids. This man was going to be in denial for so long. She knew it. And it was alright, she was willing to wait. She spent the afternoon homeschooling the kids – they’d do it every afternoon. And after another full day, they went to sleep, all four of them in the same room.

Eren would usually get nightmares of his mom getting eaten. All of them would, and it made perfect sense they’d get such nightmares. They had lived and seen things that no children should ever have to watch. But this world was cruel. Nathalie could only protect them to a certain point. But she was there for them. And tonight, was one of those nights.

Nathalie opened her eyes to the sound of Eren’s familiar choked sobs. Nathalie stood up and gently tucked Mikasa’s and Armin’s hands or feet that had strayed out back into the warmth of their bedsheets. She headed for Eren’s bed and leaned close. She cupped his fluffy cheek and he opened his huge bright green eyes that unleashed tears to pour down his face.

“Nat! I- I’m fine, go back to sleep,” Eren mumbled before burying his face back in his pillow to hide it from her, but she wiped his cheeks with her thumbs.

“It’s alright, hey,” She smiled softly down at him. “I could lie beside you, if you want,”

He shook his head. “I told you I’m fine!”

Nathalie rolled her eyes. God, this boy was far more stubborn than Levi himself. “Boy, are you stubborn,” She lied down beside him anyway, and he was clinging onto her before she knew it. Nathalie’s lips curled up into a smile as she wrapped her arms around him. He nuzzled in her chest as she slipped beneath his bedsheets and she buried her face in his brown hair, caressing gently with her fingers through the messy brown locks. “You know… it’s okay to be scared,” Nathalie pressed a kiss on his forehead. “Being scared is… being human,”

“She’s gone, Nat… they both are,” Eren mumbled in her neck, and she almost had tears gathering in her own eyes. He was talking about his parents.

“I know,” Nathalie pulled back, cupping his face to look at him. “I know I could never replace either of them, but I’m here for you. And it’s alright to cry in front of me, my darling,” She smiled down at him before he buried his face back in her chest and clutched on her so tight. Nathalie buried her face in his hair and closed her eyes.

She just felt so complete having those kids around, loving them and taking care of them. She had no idea how she was going to handle going back into the Survey Corps. What was she going to tell them? They had lost everything to titans, of course they wouldn’t want to lose the only person that was left to look after them.

Nathalie urged herself to stop thinking about it. She just held him tight all night and when she tried to stand back up and go back to her bed – certain that he was asleep, his arms tightened around her, even though he was asleep indeed. An unconscious little move to make sure he’d keep her there. Nathalie smiled and allowed herself to sleep to an uncomfortable position that had her back aching in the mornings, but it was alright. She’d do it all over if he wanted her to.

And then the letter came, stating that there were no exempts. Nathalie gathered all three during lunch. With a heavy heart, she had to tell them. She had to let them know. And of course, they reacted. Eren began yelling and going insane. He even suggested they go with her. He had lost a mother to the titans, he wasn’t about to lose another one. But she reassured them all she could.

And this time, when she went back to the Survey Corps, Nathalie never left again.

Chapter 32: Promotion

Notes:

THANK U SO MUCH FOR READING AND COMMENTINGGGG

Two Years Later (Nat is 29, Erwin is 34, Levi is 30)

Nathalie felt a hand on her shoulder, and she finally lifted her head off her forearm. It was one of those nights that someone would find her sleeping on top of her notebooks in the lab of the Survey Corps HQ. So many things had happened in the last two years. Nathalie started as a Lieutenant, and she was a Squad Leader now. She had her own squad. Damn. And they hadn’t died yet. I’ve come a long way, haven’t I? Nathalie looked up at Hange who sat beside her on the bench. Hange placed a bottle of whiskey and two glasses on the lab counter and lit up another oil lamp to bring some more light than the one candle than Nathalie had.

Nathalie chuckled. “This is a lab, Hange, we’re not supposed to be drinking here,” She said, even though she took the glass when Hange poured her some whiskey.

“Oh c’mon, this is… alcohol. We got lots of alcohol here anyway,” Hange grinned and took a sip from her own whiskey. It was surprisingly good. It had a perfect bittersweet taste and it burned so smoothly down their throat.

“Ooh,” Nathalie nodded in approval and looked at the honey-coloured liquid.

“Good right?” Hange took another sip. “I had Mobby sneak this out from a cart of the MPs,”

Nathalie laughed but ended up coughing instead. Her throat burned and she caught one of her bloody handkerchiefs pressing it to her mouth, staining it in blood once again. Hange frowned.

“You look like shit,”

Nathalie laughed again and took a few deep breaths to calm down. She wiped her mouth and pushed her handkerchief back into her pocket. “I know,”

“Erwin said you can’t make a cure,”

“Not with that equipment, no,” Nathalie shook her head.

Hange jugged down another glass and refilled it. “You’ve given up, haven’t you?” She asked and Nathalie looked up at her and parted her lips and tried to say something. This wasn’t the first time Hange was bringing up this conversation.

“Hange, I-”

“I’m not done talking,” Hange cut her. It was one of those rare times that Hange had a serious expression on her face. “You might not want to stay in this life for too long, but there are some people who need you here,” Hange scoffed. “Heck, forget about me, or… Levi, or Erwin, or your parents. What about those kids you took in?”

Nathalie chuckled bitterly. “They want to… join the Survey Corps,” She took another sip from her whiskey.

Hange chuckled. “Stupid kids,” She let down her glass and stood up offering a hand for Nathalie to catch to pull her up. Nathalie looked at her confusedly. “It’s 1 fucking am, you’re not working at this hour and certainly not at this state,”

Nathalie frowned as she gathered her notebooks and took Hange’s hand. Nathalie nearly lost her step, but Hange wrapped an arm around her and kept her stable on her feet.

“I’ve got you,” Hange said as the two of them started walking out of the labs and in the silent corridors of the Survey Corps HQ.

“It’s alright,” Nathalie reassured her.

Hange’s quarters were close to the labs, and she retreated for bed greeting her goodnight. Nathalie continued in search for her own quarters, but she just found herself standing in front of Erwin’s door instead. Usually at this hour she’d find him passed out on his desk and she’d throw a blanket on top of him. Things were just like they had initially been. Whether she chose to leave him or not, it was all the same. She’d always come back, so what was the point of leaving again?

Nathalie walked in and she found him sleeping on his desk just like any other time. His wrinkly white shirt had three buttons loosened up, and his hair were a golden mess. So peaceful he looked. Handsome and peaceful and she would forever love him, even though, there was nothing going on between them. For the last two years that she was back at the Survey Corps, they had both mutually kept their distance. It was simply for the best.

She picked that green blanket that she would usually wrap around him, and she did just that. Her hand reached for his hair, pushing some of them away from his forehead and she smiled down at him. Her beloved man.

“Why do you do it?” He asked. He had fooled her once again that he was asleep. Usually, he’d keep pretending that he was sleeping, but now, he just had to know. She would show up like this every night even though she had no reason to. She had no motive, no reason to be there for him. “Why do you take care of me?”

Nathalie looked at him confusedly for a moment as he lifted his head off his arms and bright blue eyes met her own. Nathalie bit her lip. What was she supposed to say to that? She couldn’t tell him she loved him. Everything she had ever done she did it for him. She couldn’t tell him she loved him because he’d never say it back. But she was there for him. Even though he could never be there for her, she was for him. She didn’t care whether he returned the affection, the gesture. She’d pass out in the labs, but he was never there for her. But it was strange to think that… she didn’t care. She didn’t care one bit.

“Somebody has to,” Nathalie smiled at him warmly and she turned around to leave but he caught her hand and dragged her close.

“Stay,” he said. It almost sounded like he was pleading. And she didn’t get to say a word. Her eyes softened and before she could drag a chair close, he wrapped an arm around her and brought her body to crash on his lap.

Huge warm arms wrapped around her and held her close. Nathalie’s heart was thrumming hard beneath her chest. Especially when his bright blue eyes met her own, and he cupped her cheek. His rough, warm thumb brushed across her skin and his eyes settled on his lips. Parted for him already. She wanted him to kiss her. He wanted to kiss her. She was gorgeous in her plainness, her intelligence, her beauty. Sweet and beautiful and tender and lovable as ever. There for him. Always.

He leaned in to kiss her, but she pulled away. “We can’t,” Nathalie said, even though she cursed herself mentally. She wanted that kiss more than she would ever admit. Nathalie bit her lip and looked away from him. She would make an effort to stand off his lap, but she knew he wouldn’t let her. His arms were tight around her, but warm and welcoming.

We can’t. And she was right, they couldn’t kiss right now. He couldn’t take her to bed and have her just like he wanted to. He couldn’t let her tell him she loved him, because he wouldn’t say it back and that would hurt her. He would hurt her again, and she would leave him again, and then she’d come back, and that was going to repeat over, and over. An exhausting cycle that he couldn’t stop.

Erwin’s arms merely tightened around her, and he buried his face in her neck instead. He did nothing, he just nuzzled there and brought her close to him and closed his eyes. He sighed heavily. His breath brushed warm down her cleavage. He nested there and felt her arms in his hair, her soft fingers tracing undefined shapes on his tormented head. All his troubles were far away now. His weights lifted off his shoulders even for just one moment.

He relished in it. Only she could do that. It was only she that could lift the world’s fate off his shoulders – even for just a few minutes and allow him to rest. Just rest for only just a little while. Nathalie wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his hair. She drew in his scent and a small smile spread on her lips. She preferred this. She couldn’t let him kiss her or take her to bed, but this – she’d curse herself if she didn’t allow. She lived for moments like this. All she wanted to do was love him. She’d ask nothing else but for him to allow her to.

But he was never going to accept her love. He was a stubborn man, but she was just as stubborn.

Nathalie grinned a little when a soft snore came from him, and she noticed he had fallen asleep. She smiled softly and looked down at him. His face buried in her chest and his grip around her loosened slightly. Nathalie didn’t want to wake him. She would sit like that all night, and she wouldn’t mind it one bit. He was so peaceful right there. Her handsome man. The man she loved. No matter how much he didn’t let her love him, she still couldn’t stop it.

But he should probably go sleep properly on his bed for once and she knew just how to convince him.

Nathalie cupped his cheek and pressed a kiss on his hair, his forehead, his temple. Erwin began to stir, and it took him a moment to realise that he had actually fallen asleep on her. Her kisses on his forehead were everything he needed to tighten his arms around her again.

“I’m… sorry about that,” Erwin said as he pulled back to look at her with tired eyes. He looked at the paperwork spread all over his desk and he pulled his arms from around her. “I should… get back to work,”

“No, Erwin, darling, wait,” Nathalie cupped his cheek urging him to turn and look at her again. “You’re tired. Logically speaking, there’s no way that you can come up with a decent plan when all you can think about is going to bed,” He chuckled. She was right. “I bet that the moment you grab that pen and shove a paper in front of you, you’re going to pass out again. So, it’s either you pass out on your desk and risk having a backache for the rest of the week or pass out on your bed and wake up with a clear head to come up with all the brilliant strategies you need. Which one will it be, Commander?” She teased.

She was making perfect sense. She was right, there was no way he could come up with anything right now. His mind was foggy, and indeed, all he could think about was resting. He smiled at her. She was absolutely right, and when wasn’t she? Nathalie was always right. Always there for him to tell him what was right and what wasn’t.

He nodded at her. “Alright. I see you’re making a perfectly logical point,”

She chuckled. That was the only way she could convince him, wasn’t it? Proving her point with facts and logic. That was Erwin’s language. And if that was the language he spoke, then she could learn to speak it too. This man had no idea how to deal with anything remotely close to emotions. And she was all about emotions, but if he could not have that, it was alright. It wasn’t going to be the first time that she was going to change something about herself for him. She was desperate, wasn’t she? Yes, she was. This man was everything to her, even though she was nothing to him. But she didn’t care. She could learn to live and love like this.

“And there is another matter I’d like to discuss with you,” Erwin looked at her. He urged her to stand up, so that he could stand up as well and head for his bedroom. “I want you to become a Section Commander,” He took her hand in his own. Large rough fingers engulfed her own and he approached her. His eyes met her own. “The executive officer of my squad. I want you to be my right-hand woman,”

Nathalie’s eyes widened and she parted her lips to speak. “I- I… Erwin, I don’t think I-”

“Think about it. You’ve ran from that for so long,” He gave her a soft smile. “If anybody deserves it, it’s you, Nathalie,” His hand found her chin and he brought her close enough to press a kiss on her forehead. “My talented girl,” He said and she bit her lip. He pulled back. “Goodnight,”

And she was left there, to watch him as he got into his bedroom and took his shirt off and prepared to go to bed. Nathalie bit her lip just a little harsher and she urged herself to walk out of his quarters. She pressed her back against the closed door of his office, and she sighed heavily.

My talented girl. Nathalie groaned and buried her face in her hands. She had to go to sleep or else she’d wind up thinking about this man the entire night and staying awake just for him.

But he had been so precious right there, sleeping on her shoulder. Nathalie wanted to go back. She pressed her temple against the wooden door. Her hand pressed flat against it. She wanted to sleep beside him tonight. She didn’t want anything more. She just wanted to hold him and let him hold her. She didn’t care whether he’d kiss her or not. She didn’t care whether he’d show or speak of any emotion towards her. She didn’t care. She just wanted to be there for him.

And it was one of those many nights, that Nathalie retreated back to her quarters, and changed and lied to her bed and grabbed that extra pillow in her arms, and pretended it was him. And maybe he was doing the same. It was one of those very rare times that he lied down on his double bed, and he stared at that empty side of the bed that he used to lie her down. It was three years ago, but it still felt like yesterday. How gorgeous she had looked in that dress that he had bought for her. The pretty jewellery that adorned her neck so beautifully.

His sweet little girl. She could have been here, now. Beside him. He could be holding her right now. But she went back to her quarters and for once more, he was thinking about her. It was no longer lust. It was more. He wanted more. He wanted so much more from her.

He wanted to marry her. Goodness, it almost sounded like fiction. How would a happy ever after feel like? Erwin had no time to think about this. He had to close his eyes and stop staring at the empty spot because there was no reason to. She wasn’t going to show up and just take the minimal amount of affection that he was planning to give her. Heck, he wasn’t planning to give her any affection at all, even though, he’d take everything she offered – and she did offer everything.

But no woman would just put up with a man like him, and he didn’t expect anyone to. He had no time for this. He didn’t even know how to deal with anything like that. Emotions. He had spent too long running from them. Even back then, three years ago, when she left him, he might have been desperate, but he was thankful as well. He was thankful that she was gone, and he wouldn’t have to deal with intentionally breaking the heart of the woman that he loved just because he had no choice.

He worked well when she wasn’t around to distract him. But he might as well work even better if she was there to offer her own brilliant strategies.

“I want you to be my right-hand woman,” and maybe, she was going to be that. Maybe she was going to accept that promotion because that would only bring them closer. More working hours to be spent together. More time, more contact, more talking, even if it all was just for their job. She didn’t care. It was a good offer. She’d take it, even though, he was right. She had run from that rank for so long. The higher she climbed the ranks, the heavier the responsibility.

But she would carry that responsibility if it meant that she’d get to spend more time with him.

༻◊۞◊༺

“I accept,” Nathalie said the moment she walked into Erwin’s office the next morning. She was in that brown skirt and her white shirt. Huge bright blue eyes met his own behind the circular lenses of her glasses, and her fingers fidgeted with the excess fabric of her plain, ankle-length skirt. She bit her bottom pink lip. “I accept your offer to be… your Section Commander. Your right-hand woman,”

Erwin almost cracked a genuine smile. He didn’t know whether offering that position to her was brilliant, or a terrible mistake. He just knew that she’d either distract him from his precious work, or help him go to the next step, to prove his and her theories about the outside world.

“Are you sure?” Erwin asked her. She didn’t look too sure. He had to know she wanted this. Never again would he force a rank on her that she didn’t want. It hadn’t resulted well the last time.

She bit her lip and looked down at her short black heels that protruded from her skirt. Always so shy to look at him in the eye. “It’s… not going to be easy… but I am here for you. I promised I will be here for you, and I intend to keep that promise this time,” Nathalie said, and his smile only grew.

Erwin looked down at his papers and he tried to immediately wipe that stupid smile off his face. He had nothing to be happy about. This was either a terrible mistake, or a brilliant idea.

“I am a lucky man,”

“As a matter of fact, you really are,” Nathalie grinned, and he chuckled. His hands reached for the paperwork that she’d have to fill up for her promotion. “Look, Erwin, I support everything you’re planning to do. Save the world. Make it a better place. I’ll be with you in every step of the way, but you need to understand that when I’m worried for you – when I believe that you’re overexerting yourself and I tell you to take a break, to go to sleep, to eat something, to do something else, you’ll listen to me,” Nathalie said. “And I want those gambles on your life, and that stupid recklessness of yours to stop. I will personally make sure you won’t need to turn to any of that. Just let me take care of you. Agreed?”

Erwin chuckled, and his smile was genuine this time. He didn’t put any effort in resisting. It almost felt like she was lecturing him. But that’s how it always felt with Nathalie because Nathalie was always right. Everything she ever said was so right, he couldn’t talk back. He couldn’t pull some clever convincing technique that was going to help him talk himself out of it.

“Yes, ma’am,” Erwin teased, and she shot him a glare.

“I’m being serious,” Nathalie insisted as she watched him stand up and walk around his desk with a few papers and folders in his hands to hand to her.

“I know,” Erwin handed her the papers. He looked down at her in adoration and even though he cursed himself for it, he couldn’t help it. She was perfect. Willing to be there for him when she was getting nothing in return. His sweet girl. “What would I do without you?”

She grinned. “You’d be very lost, my love,”

My love. Erwin bit his tongue and he noticed as her grin disappeared from her face and she looked down and away from him. She had told him she loved him in that letter, but he had never sat her down to talk about it. He had purposefully chosen to ignore it because she was too perfect. She shouldn’t have fallen for a terrible man like himself. She deserved better.

“Listen, Nat… about that letter you left back then-”

“It’s alright, Erwin,” Nathalie cut him. She fidgeted her fingers back into the fabric of her skirt and continued trying to avoid his eyes. “You don’t have to love me back,” She forced a smile and finally looked at him. “I should get going,” She picked the paperwork from his arms, and she turned to head for the door.

Fuck, this was one of those times that he wanted to wrap his arms around her and ask her to stay. She could work on that paperwork with him. They could share his desk like they had done so many times before. But she had her own office, which was much better. She demanded she had her own quarters the moment she stepped foot back into the Survey Corps HQ.

You don’t have to love me back. He knew he should be okay with it. He knew he shouldn’t spend a second longer thinking about this. This relationship between them was only going to distract him and bring trouble.

“Nat!” Moblit’s familiar voice came from behind and Nathalie turned and looked at her stressed out friend. He had a bunch of papers in his hands and was running down the hall. He reached her and handed her some of those papers. “Could you take these to Captain Levi’s office? I can’t let Hange out of my sight or else she might kill another titan test-subject and who knows when we’ll get the chance to get another one,”

In the three years that Nathalie wasn’t in the Survey Corps, Hange had actually managed to unintentionally kill their very first ever titan test subject. Erwin pulled a few strings and gave them another man to turn into a titan and experiment on it. That woman was an absolute menace when it came to science and thank goodness Moblit was there to keep her in check.

“Of course,” Nathalie took the papers in her hug. “You go on and I’ll catch up,”

“Brilliant,” Moblit nodded as he hurried away, and she chuckled.

Nathalie headed towards Levi’s office. It was still morning so he shouldn’t be there at this hour. He was probably training his squad to death and she wouldn’t be surprised. Nathalie had kept the same distance with Levi as she had with Erwin. Not meddling with relationships was the healthiest way for her to live in because she had no idea what she saw in Levi. Did she see a friend or the man that she once loved? She had no idea, she just ignored the matter entirely and focused on the things that actually mattered. Her thesis, her research.

Nathalie placed the papers on his desk, and she turned around to leave and exit the seemingly empty office, but she let out a yelp instead and pulled her attention immediately away from him.

“Being a Section Commander doesn’t mean you shouldn’t knock,” Levi exited his bedroom putting his shirt on. It was adorable how she tensed up right away and turned her back on him.

“I- I- W- Well, word travels fast around here…” Nathalie bit her lip. A large blush spread on her cheeks and her fingers were back to wrinkling her skirt.

“He’s been wanting to give you that promotion a long time now,” Levi said as he grabbed his ascot around his neck and started making a tie. “You can turn now,”

Nathalie turned and looked at him hesitantly, glad to find that he was no longer shirtless. “I- I- I’m sorry for intruding like this, I- I thought you’d be in the training grounds at this hour,”

“Tsk,” Levi walked towards his desk to check on the papers that she had left there. “I was preparing to go there,”

“I- I see, w- well, I should get going before Hange sets up the lab the on fire,” Nathalie chuckled before she turned to leave almost hastily.

“Nat,” Levi stopped her, and she bit her lip a little harsher and turned and looked at him. “You can stop avoiding me,”

Of course, he had figured it out. She wasn’t being very subtle. She’d only be in the same room with him when someone else was also there. She’d avoid delivering him papers and only offer to do it in mornings like this when she knew she wouldn’t find him there. He had missed the taste of her tea and her cakes because she had stopped showing up. And he had a feeling he knew why. Maybe she’d only treat him warmly if he was fucking her. It didn’t feel like she would ever do that, but he was grown to expect the unexpected.

“I know you’re taken, but I wouldn’t mind a friend in here,” Levi said, and it almost sounded bitter. He took his attention from her, and he turned back at the papers on his office.

“I- I’m not taken,” She said and it surprised him. He thought she had been fucking with Erwin ever since she got back. “And I don’t want to be,” She added and it was all the proof he needed. Maybe she wasn’t with anyone right now and that was exactly what she wanted. Maybe she didn’t give Erwin anything more than what she was giving him.

“Fair enough,”

Nathalie bit back a curse and she walked out of his office, kicking the floor on the outside corridor. I know you’re taken, but I wouldn’t mind a friend in here. What did he think she was doing? That she was giving the special treatment to the man who would fuck her best? That she wasn’t befriending him just because she was taken? She wasn’t even taken. She was her own woman. She didn’t need to be taken by him or Erwin or by anybody else. If she chose to keep away from both just because she was choosing a healthier life for herself, then she was doing nothing wrong.

“Fuck!”

Chapter 33: Death

Notes:

I disappeared for a few days, soooo sorrrryyyy!!! Havent been able to write anything decent for like a week ahahahaha thank you so much to the people who read and comment!!!

“C’mon, Petra, we know you have a crush on someone. Just gotta tell us who,”

“Let’s just not talk about it here, girls!”

“Pretty please!!! C’mon, you already know I find Vice-Captain Moblit cute,”

“Ugh! Fine! I… might have a tinsy little crush on… Captain Levi…”

“No way!”

“I too think he’s cute. Going all around and being grumpy whilst I’m pretty sure he’s soft on the inside,”

“Yes! He’s caring… in his own way,”

Nathalie couldn’t hear any more of this conversation. Apparently, walking around the HQ at night was a bad idea because this was the sixth time, she found some cadets just hanging around and having a gossip talk in some random hall or room or corridor. And now there were actual cadets salivating over Levi. Highly unprofessional. Nathalie repeated that over and over because there was no way she was admitting that other girls were crushing over a man that she had once loved dearly, and it bothered her.

“Girls,” Nathalie walked out of the wall and all three of them tensed up and saluted her – the new Section Commander of the fifth squad. “I do believe you’re out past curfew. Back to bed,”

“Y- Yes, ma’am!” The three of them said in unison before they started retreating in different directions.

“Petra,” Nathalie said at the ginger head girl who turned and looked at her and saluted her again. That girl was a member of Levi’s squad. She was slightly shorter than Nathalie and far younger. But she was beautiful, and she seemed nice. She was the youngest member of Levi’s squad. “Be a dear and take these to Captain Levi,” Nathalie handed her a set of papers.

“Yes, ma’am!”

“Oh, and…” Nathalie stopped her from walking away. “…friendly advice, if you wanna get on Captain Levi’s good side, jasmine tea is his favourite. He drinks it with one tablespoon of honey, but only when he’s in a good mood,” Nathalie smiled at her, and Petra’s face lightened up immediately.

“Thank you so much, ma’am! Excuse my asking, but… you know him?”

Nathalie chuckled. “Of course! I helped Commander Erwin drag him from the Underground,” Nathalie turned to leave. “Goodnight, Petra,”

Nathalie’s smile faded when she turned her back on Petra and headed for her own office. She knew she should be happy in case Levi moved on. Levi had to move on and give his heart elsewhere – to someone who would never break. Someone who would treat it kind and better than she ever could. And maybe Petra could be that someone. Levi had to move on and be happy. If he was happy, she’d be happy for him. Or at least she’d try.

She knew how it felt to be loved by Levi. Levi gave everything to the partner who would stand by him. It was like a fairytale when she was with him. And then it was Erwin who just… wouldn’t do anything. And she had chosen the man who couldn’t even clarify his feelings for her. Who would try to kiss her and curse himself for wanting to. She had Levi’s love, but she tossed it away. She deserved this.

Fuck this. Stop thinking about this. Nathalie dived into her paperwork which had gotten immense when she became a Section Commander. Running both experiments and writing her thesis and doing paperwork and attending to all the duties that she had to attend as a Section Commander, life had become exhausting.

A knock came on her door after a while and Nathalie realised she had drifted off to sleep on her desk, but the knock snapped her back to reality. She stood up and ran a hand through her tired eyes and opened the door revealing Erwin with a few extra papers in his hands.

“It’s late, I’m sorry, but it couldn’t wait,” Erwin handed her the papers and Nathalie looked down at the reports that she had to sign.

“It’s alright,” Nathalie looked up at him. His white shirt was wrinkly, and his sleeves were rolled up his elbows. His hair messy, and his eyes looked tired. She chuckled. “Somebody’s exhausted,”

“So are you,” He smiled at her, and she further opened the door.

“Come in?” She nodded her head to the inside that was dimly illuminated by the two oil lamps that she had settled on her desk.

He had no idea where it was going to lead if he joined her right now at this hour, when both of them weren’t even in the mood to work right now. What would they end up doing? Something that they had been trying to avoid for so long. And it took her a moment to realise that her offer was stupid.

Erwin shook his head. “It’s best that I don’t.”

“Yes, you’re right, I’m so sorry, it was a dumb question,”

“It’s alright… Goodnight, Nat,”

She bit her lip. “Goodnight, ‘win,”

༻◊۞◊༺

“They broke through Trost! Commander Pyxis is handling the operation. He is planning to use a kid that can transform into a titan and plug the hole!”

“A kid that can turn into a WHAT?!” Hange cried out.

“I know it doesn’t make sense, but it’s what I’ve been told to deliver, ma’am!” The soldier said. He looked stressed.

“We miss from Trost for one fucking day, and it all goes to hell,” Miche growled.

There was an early meeting today in Mitras, so naturally, all the veterans of the Survey Corps had to leave and attend that meeting with all the high-ranking military in the capital.

Nathalie’s eyes widened. Her parents were there. And they had broken through Trost… and if Trost was full of titans, then what had happened to her parents? Nathalie was the first to rush out of the room and head straight for the stables.

“Wait, Nat!” Levi cried out from behind.

“Levi, take your squad and go,” Erwin ordered. “Hange, I believe it’s time we caught two more titan test subjects and figure out how much different they are from Nathalie’s titans,”

Hange’s eyes widened. She was excited. “And what about the boy that can shift?”

Erwin had a growing smile. “We’ll take the boy under our custody. As to how, I’ll handle that,”

Nathalie was in Trost in no time. It was chaotic. There were bloody bodies and dead people everywhere. Dead titan carcasses were spread all around, vaporising. Garrison soldiers were all around, getting slaughtered. Nathalie didn’t sit back to save them. No, she gave up on her morals and headed straight for her parent’s house. They may not have been her true parents, but they had raised her. They had supported her. They had taken her in as their own. No, they were her true parents. They did not abandon her. They sent her to study at the university – somebody that no one could afford. But they did.

They had taken a child that had already been abandoned and raised her with nothing in return. She was indebted. She loved them.

Nathalie maneuvered through the streets. A soldier cried out to her for help, but she ignored him. She had to get there fast enough. The entire street was ruined. And when she reached the house, it was ruined.

No. Nathalie landed down on the street, and she rushed for the debris of her home. She saw her mother crushed beneath the roof of the house. The upper half of her was lying out of the debris and her eyes were staring up at the sky lifelessly. Her legs must have been crushed, and the rest of her body waist down as well.

Nathalie hurried towards her and knelt down and pulled her in her lap. A sob erupted from her throat. “Mom! Mom… please, mom, talk to me…” Nathalie cupped her face and tears ran down her cheeks. Titans were probably coming for her, but she didn’t care.

“Na… thalie,” Grace took her daughter’s hand in her own and finally her brown eyes met Nathalie’s.

Nathalie thought about drawing her out, but if she tried that, the rest of her might detach. She couldn’t lift up the entire roof. It was pointless. Her mom was going to die, right now, in her arms. Nathalie shook her head. No. If only she had fixed that goddamn all-wound-healing serum. If only she wasn’t so useless and had actually fixed it. She could have saved her mom. She could have. But there was no saving her now.

“W- Where’s dad? Please tell me he… he at least made it out, please,” Nathalie wept.

Grace shook her head. “They took him,”

Nathalie cried. She cried and buried her face in her bloody hands and wiped away her never-ending tears that rolled down her cheeks. Her dad had gotten eaten. She was never going to be seeing him again. Grace’s grip around Nathalie’s hand loosened and Nathalie panicked. She couldn’t leave her just yet. She couldn’t.

“No! Mom, please… please, just hang on a little longer, I- I- I’ll fix you, just… just hang on-”

“Nathalie,” Grace cut her. She smiled warmly up at her daughter. “There is nothing… wrong with you,” Grace said, catching Nathalie by surprise for a moment. “Your parents… they loved you… a lot. And so do we… your father and I,” Grace’s hand reached up for Nathalie’s cheek, cupping gently but staining her cheek with the blood that lingered on her thumb. “We are… proud to be… your parents,”

And just like that, Grace’s eyes drifted to the sky, and her head rolled back on Nathalie’s arm. We are proud to be your parents. No, they shouldn’t be, because she had failed them. They had sent her to study in hopes of her doing great things, but she had done nothing. She hadn’t come up with anything useful. She could have had that serum – that she knew how to make and she had the ingredients for it, but she didn’t have the equipment – but she could have made it and she could have saved her mom. Her parents. She could have saved so many people, but she was flawed. She wasn’t a perfect Burgess. All Burgesses were supposed to be perfect with everything, but she wasn’t. She was so bad at everything. She was bad at her relationships with people, bad at doing her job. She was bad at everything.

“Mom…” Nathalie mumbled as she pressed a kiss on her dead mother’s forehead and she shut her eyes, unleashing another set of warm tears.

Your parents, they loved you a lot. Bullshit. They had no reason to love her. They were right to cast her aside and abandon her in the doorstep of some other home. She was flawed. She was a mistake. She couldn’t do that one thing that she knew how to do the most. She couldn’t cure people. And if a Burgess can’t do that one simple thing that they are born for… what was the point of her existing?

She hadn’t even gotten the chance to tell her she loved her too.

“NATHALIE!” Levi growled as he hastily sliced the nape of the titan that was about to grab her.

The titan landed dead right beside her, but she didn’t budge one bit. She would have left this titan grab her and eat her. She wasn’t even going to try and fight. She wouldn’t mind death to come for her right now. But Levi did. He’d never let anything happen to her. And he recognised her mother in her lap. She had died, and there was no sign of her father. Just limbs laying all around the collapsed house.

Nathalie was a mess, crying and sobbing and calling out for her mother – but she was gone, and it hurt Levi to watch her like this. He had never seen her cry so much – and of all people, Levi knew how losing a mother felt like.

He rushed to her side and knelt beside her and wrapped his arms around her. He knew she was a mess and she wanted to continue mourning, but this was no time and place to do that. Titans were all around, heading their way.

“Nat! Nat, listen to me,” Levi cupped her face, but she still seemed gone. His arms tightened around her, trying to get her attention. “She’s gone. She’s gone, they both are, but I’m here,” He had no idea what he was saying, but he just knew it was the truth. He was there for her. He wiped her cheeks with his thumb and her bright blue eyes finally met his own. “I’m here for you,”

I’m here for you, he said, and he had no idea just how much strength he gave her that moment. She had just lost her parents, but she didn’t feel like crying anymore. I’m here for you. She had someone. Nathalie nodded. His silver eyes were in the softest look he had ever given her. His arms around her were tight, but she welcomed it. It felt safe. Maybe if she had this man’s love, then maybe, her mom was right – there was nothing wrong with her. Maybe she wasn’t as useless as she kept telling herself that she was.

And then another titan came for them, and Levi wrapped an arm around her, and maneuvered her out of its reach. He placed her safely on a rooftop, and he slaughtered the titan, and another one, and another. He turned to kill the last one, but he only ended up watching Nathalie doing it for him. She had snapped out of it at last. Levi let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding.

She landed beside him on the same rooftop and his arm found her shoulder. He turned and looked at her, concerned. “Are you okay to move on?” He asked and she nodded.

“Yeah,” Nathalie looked at him and gave him a soft smile. “Thank you, Levi,”

“Tsk. Don’t thank me, brat,” He said. She giggled and he suppressed back a smile. He hadn’t called her a brat for a long time. He looked ahead and noticed the slightly different titan that stood by the hole. It had plugged the hole with a giant boulder, but now it was vaporising. “I think that’s our guy,” Levi said.

Nathalie looked carefully and she bit her lip. “Looks like the Attack Titan,”

“And which one is that?”

She turned and looked at him. “The second most dangerous to them all. I know who the boy is. We need to hurry,”

Nathalie jumped off the roof and began maneuvering. Two titans were onto them, but her fears had been realised. It was Mikasa, Armin and Eren. Eren was indeed the boy who could shift. Of course. But that wasn’t the Founder. It was the Attack Titan. It was the titan that Grisha had inherited before coming here. If Grisha had fulfilled his quest, then the boy had inherited both titans.

Levi took out one titan, and Nathalie took out the other. She hurried over the kids and all three of them cried out her name when they saw her, relieved that she was there.

“Armin, Mikasa! Are you both okay?!” Nathalie asked worriedly, cupping their cheeks. They seemed tired, but other than that, they were okay.

“We’re fine,” Armin reassured her.

“Eren!” Mikasa said alarmingly. “He’s passed out,”

Nathalie brought Eren’s one arm around her shoulders and she wrapped an arm around him, helping him up on his feet. “Don’t you worry. He’s going to be alright. He’s just a little tired. Do you have enough gas to reach the wall?” They nodded. “Good, I’ll bring, Eren.”

༻◊۞◊༺

The next few days were… a mess. It took about a week to kill all those titans, and another week to gather all the dead and burn them. There was no burying them or else a new plague would take over. Nathalie burned her parents, and she stared at the flame that flickered high and bright orange. She went back to the destroyed house that was once her parents’. She tried to find something to save, and she only found a book. It was a story that her father would read her in the nights. Nathalie was scared of thunderstorms when she was little, but her dad was always there to read her that very same story from that very book. He’d stay awake till late in the night, even though he’d have to wake up very early in the morning. But he’d do it for her.

Nathalie made sure to know that Mikasa, Armin and Eren were safe. Eren was under the MPs’ custody for now, but Erwin had assured her he had a plan. Nathalie walked into the Survey Corps HQ with that book in one hand and teary eyes. But she couldn’t cry right now, out here in the corridors. She hurried towards her office and tried to get in. She needed some privacy. Another dreadful day had gone by.

“Nathalie. A word,” Erwin said, and she watched him as he headed for his office.

Nathalie bit her lip and took off her glasses. She wiped the tears off her eyes before they had the chance to slip down her cheeks. She put her glasses back on and followed him to his office. She didn’t know whether he had heard – whether he had an idea of what she had been through the past couple of days. Maybe he didn’t even know that her parents had died, but Hange wouldn’t miss the chance to tell him, would she?

Erwin hadn’t said a thing. She knew he was busy, but he could certainly steal two minutes of his precious time to give her his condolences for her parents’ death, right? He knew her parents. He knew them ever since he was little. But she hadn’t seen him at all.

Nonetheless, Nathalie entered the office, finding Levi and Hange there as well. Hange approached Nathalie and placed a hand on her shoulder. “You okay?” Hange could always tell when Nathalie had cried or not.

Nathalie nodded. “I’ll be fine,”

“The government is calling in all individuals who possess any kind of medical degree, military or not, to aid stopping the outbreak of a plague due to the carnage in Trost,” Erwin said. “We have three. We need to send at least two,”

“Moblit and I will go. Let Nat have those days off,” Hange said.

“I need you to be at Eren Yeager’s trial,” Erwin said. “Moblit and Nathalie will go,”

Nathalie bit her lip and looked down at the book that she was still holding in her arms. So, there was no condolences for her parents’ death? Erwin didn’t care at all, did he? Her hand reached back for the chair that stood behind her and she sat down, settling the book on her lap. Maybe he wouldn’t even give her the time to mourn. She had just burned the corpses of her parents.

“For fuck’s sake, Erwin, give her a rest, her parents just died,” Levi growled. He couldn’t believe this man. It looked like he felt nothing whilst he scribbled down on his paperwork like all three of them weren’t even there.

“Many people’s parents and family died,” Erwin said. “Nathalie’s parents are no exception,” Erwin pulled out another paper and placed it in front of him. “Dismissed,”

Nathalie’s parents are no exception. Nathalie let out a laugh. Her parents had just fucking died and she was dressed in black, and her eyes were full of tears, so why the hell was she laughing? Both Levi and Hange looked at her in disbelief, and even Erwin finally pulled his attention off his paperwork. Of all the things that he had just said, he was quite certain none of them were funny.

Oh, but Erwin always lacked a good sense of humour. Or she was just going insane. “Right, yes, totally,” Nathalie stood up and looked at Erwin with a bitter but wide smile. “Your father was no exception either yet you’re still trying to prove him right at the expense of your life… at the expense of me,” She pointed her thumb to her chest, and she chuckled. A tear ran down her cheek. “Can’t get any more selfish, can you?” She turned to walk out of the room, and she paid no mind even when either Hange or Levi called out for her.

Erwin Smith. The man that she’d die for was breaking her heart all over again. Of course, he didn’t care. She had him figured out. He didn’t have time to care. He didn’t have time to love her. He didn’t have time to crack a smile or kiss her or hold her in the nights or be there for her. But she would make time for him if he needed her. She would abandon her – apparently – useless mourning, and she’d pretend like her parents hadn’t died, to go stop the outbreak of a fucking plague.

Just because he had asked her to.

Notes:

Sneak Peek to the Next Chapter (yes, I'mma start doing these again)

Levi pulled back and stood up off her bed settling his jacket back in place and sighing heavily. “I love you, Nat, but he can’t,” He said before walking out of the room leaving her there on the bed alone.

Chapter 34: Difference

Notes:

I WANNA THANK EVERYBODY WHO READS AND COMMENTS OMG THANK U the support is amazing 🥺🥺🥺🥰🥰🥰

Nathalie was exhausted when she filled three full days of hard work in the frontlines against the plague. She had made a vaccine for all citizens of Trost and the cleaning of the entire city took weeks. She and Moblit helped vaccinate everyone and cleanse the streets of titan carcasses and dead human bodies. It had been a mess. Lots of soldiers died – they had failed to save them. It was all so, so, so difficult. So many people had blamed her for the deaths of the soldiers that she was supposed to save. They burned the bodies and she pretended to not have heard them. She was in this mess because she had wanted to be.

Nathalie joined the military fully knowing what she was going to face. And she had done it willingly because Erwin had asked her to. He could hurt her over and over and keep reminding her that his heart was made of stone and there was no breaching it. He could keep being the stone-cold man that breaks her heart again and again, but she knew she’d go back. She just knew it.

She wanted to make it back to HQ for the trial. She needed to know what was going to happen to Eren. She needed to know that he was going to be okay. That Mikasa and Armin were okay. But her hands were tied. There was just so much work to be done, she didn’t even have the time to sit back and realise… her parents had just died. She didn’t have a home to go back to. The house that she grew up in had been trampled. The people who raised her, gone.

No. She had no time to sit back and think about this. And when she and Moblit finally made it back to HQ, Hange was the first to greet them. She had been delivering some papers, but she saw them entering and approached them immediately. The two of them looked tired as hell and Hange gave Moblit the next two days off. Nathalie could have sworn, she had never seen him happier as he retreated to his quarters with a soft goodnight. It was night now. Nathalie caught Hange’s shoulders to get her attention.

“Is Eren okay? What happened at the trial?” Nathalie asked worriedly. The trial had taken place two nights ago.

Hange smiled reassuringly. “No worries. Your kid will be fine. Erwin’s plan worked once again – like always, and the kid’s under Levi’s custody,”

Nathalie let out a sigh of relief. “Can I see him?”

Hange nodded her head to dungeons. It made sense they’d keep him underground. He probably didn’t know how to control his titan powers yet. “C’mon,” Hange began walking downstairs and Nathalie followed her. “The Special Operations’ Squad will be moving out with Eren Yeager in Ehrmich Castle. Erwin wants to keep them away from the HQ, but no worries. We’ll be visiting frequently. We got experiments to make,” Hange snickered excitedly. “Isn’t he exactly what you wanted? A titan-shifter. Imagine what his titan spinal fluid can do,”

Nathalie chuckled. “I still need the right equipment, but he is indeed a step closer to completing our thesis,”

“Oh and,” Hange stopped walking and she turned at Nathalie. “Don’t tell him anything. Erwin’s orders,” Nathalie arched an eyebrow. So, she wasn’t to tell him the truth about his father? About the power of the titans and the titan that he had inherited by eating his father?

Nathalie sighed heavily. “Right,” She did not agree to that. Eren had a right to know what had happened to his father. What had happened to him. But these were Erwin’s orders, and if anything, Erwin had a reason for everything he ever did. Even hurting her. He must have done that for a reason too, right?

Hange finally reached the cell and unlocked the bars and Eren stood off his bed. His eyes widened. “Nat!”

“Aw, my darling,” Nathalie rushed into the cell and pulled him in her arms. He wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her shoulder, closing his eyes briefly. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there, I had to help out bring Trost back to normal and-”

“No worries, Section Commander Hange filled me in,” Eren pulled back and she cupped his face in her soft hands and examined him with her eyes, her fingers.

“Are you okay? He did not hurt you too much, did he?” Nathalie asked worriedly and before he had the chance to answer, she spoke. “I’m so sorry, I’ll talk to him. Levi doesn’t know when he takes it too far, no worries, darling, just let me handle it,” Nathalie tried to walk out of the cell, but he grabbed her hand and earned back her attention.

“I’m fine, see?” Eren said. “I’m fine. Captain Levi did what he had to,”

“And the plan worked,” Hange smirked. “Alright, I’ll let you two catch up,” She turned around and left to continue her chores.

Nathalie urged him to sit down on the bed and she sat beside him, settling his one hand between her own. “I’m so sorry you have to be in a cell for now. We’re just not sure whether you have full control of it yet, but don’t you worry, darling, you’ll be out of here in no time,”

“Nat, it’s alright. I’m alright,” Eren chuckled. Always so worried. But she didn’t look well. She looked more tired than he had ever seen her, and her eyes were red and swollen. Had she been crying? “Are you okay?” Eren asked and she looked away from him immediately and bit her lip.

“I’m fine,” Nathalie gave him a fake smile, but he wasn’t having it.

“Nat, I know when something bothers you, tell me,” Eren insisted, and she looked away from him again and sighed heavily.

“My parents are dead,” Nathalie sniffled, and his eyes widened. They had almost been like their grandparents for the past five years. No wonder she didn’t look well.

“I’m so sorry, Nat,” Eren said and she shrugged.

“It’s alright, I… I just need some rest,” She blinked away her tears and gave him a smile. “And you should rest as well,” She stood up and walked out of his cell, locking him back in. “Goodnight, little one,”

He chuckled. “Goodnight, Nat,”

Nathalie’s smile dropped and she turned to find the hallway to walk back upstairs but she heard a familiar tsk and she knew of only one man who would make that sound out of nowhere. She turned to see Levi. He had probably heard the entire conversation. Why was he there? He didn’t know. He just knew that when Hange told him where she was, he had to find her and make sure she was okay. She didn’t look okay, even though, she still tried to give him a smile.

“Little one,” Levi stood off the wall and approached her. “Brat suits him better,” He said and she chuckled.

There was no denying that she was gorgeous babying that brat. Nathalie was good at whatever she set her mind to. Of course, she was perfect at raising and treating kids no matter their age. And he had never even thought of having a family, but that extra trait on her was so, so beautiful to him, and he could barely figure out how and why.

“You look like shit,” Levi eyed her for a moment. Messy hair, bloody shirt and skirt, probably from all those patients that she had treated. He noticed how shiny her blue eyes were beneath the torchlight. He hated watching her like this. Sad and tired.

Nathalie parted her lips to say something, but no word came out. Maybe if she said something, her tears would inevitably run down her cheeks. She nodded instead and bit her lip and looked down on the stone floor. She was about to burst.

“C’mere,” Levi wrapped his arms around her, and she buried her face in his neck. A sob erupted from her throat, and he held her tight whilst she wetted his shoulder with her tears. What the hell was she doing? She shouldn’t be wasting his time like that. He had no reason to be there for her.

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…” Nathalie mumbled against his black jacket and his arms tightened around her pressing his cheek against her temple.

“Sssh,” He ran a hand through her back, and she clutched on him. “I’m here for you,” He pressed his lips against her temple. “I’m here,”

God, she was so lucky. So lucky to have this man. He had no reason to be there. It was someone else that should have been there, but he wasn’t. He was never going to be there for her. Levi’s here for me. Erwin would never no matter how much she wanted him to. Nathalie wiped her cheeks and pulled back to look at him.

“T- Thank you, Levi, I’m so sorry, you don’t have to deal with this-”

“Oi, cut the bullshit,” Levi cut her. “C’mon, let’s get some tea,” He made his way to the kitchen, and she chuckled and followed him.

And when they reached the kitchen, they realised it wasn’t empty. It was supposed to be empty at this hour – the kitchen staff was gone, but there was a soldier there and Nathalie’s eyes almost widened when she spotted Petra making tea. Wow. Nathalie had to get out of there. She had to leave those two alone. Petra was making that tea for him, wasn’t she?

“C- Captain Levi!” She squealed, startled, and almost tossed a teacup on the floor, and she tensed up right away upon seeing them, but she caught it before she made a mess. “I- I- I- I was just making some tea! W- W- W- Would you like some tea!?!”

Levi stared at her for a moment. What the hell was this brat doing here? He frowned. He wanted some privacy with Nathalie. He wanted to talk her out of being with Erwin – as a matter of fact, they weren’t even together. Erwin was wrong for her. Erwin had hurt her and would continue to. And as the man who loved her, he had to talk her out of it. But now this brat was here, making tea, for him probably, because Nathalie had advised her to.

It was probably so stupid of Nathalie to give her such ideas, but what could she do? Nathalie had hurt Levi, yet he was still being there for her. No. Levi did not deserve this. Levi deserved someone who was going to try. Levi deserved someone who would want him just as much as he’d do. And Nathalie wasn’t that someone.

So, Nathalie pulled a smile and she approached Petra placing a hand on her shoulder. “How about… I go get some much-needed rest, and you show Petra how to make some proper tea,” Nathalie grinned and smiled at Petra and tried to make her feel less nervous than she already was.

Nathalie didn’t have the energy to pull out that grin and that smile and pretend she wasn’t dying on the inside, because she had to act like she supported this. She supported him being with someone that deserved him. But it would be beneath her if she did not support it. It would be beneath her if she grabbed Levi and kissed him right now in front of Petra and break Petra’s heart.

She was a fucking Burgess. Such behaviour would be so fucking beneath her.

“I- I- I’d really like that,” Petra blushed brightly, and Nathalie ruffled her ginger hair. She was starting to be less nervous.

But Levi had a storm of thoughts in his mind right now as he ignored the blushing girl and just looked at that smile that Nathalie was forcing on her face. Why was she doing this? Why was she pushing him away? Had he done something wrong? Or maybe, he just did not have her heart yet. He was never going to get it. She would push another girl in his arms just because she believed that she wasn’t enough. And that was exactly what was wrong with Erwin. He had made her feel like she wasn’t enough, even though she was perfect, and the entirety of this infuriated Levi. It blew his nerves on fire. He’d punch Erwin in the face if he was here.

“Goodnight, you two,” Nathalie’s smile faded and her voice slightly broke and she pretended like it hadn’t. And as she walked past him, her soft hand brushed against his own, and he found himself reaching out for her, but she was gone before he knew it.

She was gone.

Nathalie walked upstairs to her quarters, cursing herself, cursing her choices, cursing her heart that ached for another man whilst it should have been aching for Levi. Her heart should’ve chosen Levi. But it wasn’t something that she could control. Nathalie could control everything about herself. Her behaviour, her thoughts, the things she’d say. She thought everything through before saying it or doing it, but when it came to emotions? She had no idea how to deal with that. She’d rid herself of that plague if she could.

“Ah, get your shit together,”

Nathalie’s eyes widened. She was alone in her quarters, right? She lit up an oil lamp and she looked all around. She was alone. The office was empty. The bedroom was empty. Then who the hell had just said that?

Nathalie sighed and just shook her head. She was so tired, she was hearing things. She had to take a shower and go to sleep. And when she was ready to go to bed with her gown thrown atop her body, she heard a knock on the door, and she sighed. Who would it be at this hour?

I swear, if it’s Erwin to deliver me another stack of paperwork, I’m going to smack him so hard. Nathalie wrapped her robe around her body and she reached for her door with an oil lamp in her hand. She opened it only to reveal Levi and a large frown on his face. He knew she wouldn’t be asleep. She said she was going to get a shower, and he remembered how long that took her. And he was right, she didn’t look like he had forced her off her bed.

“Levi,” She forced a smile. “Darling, I’m tired. Can this wait till tomorrow?”

“What are you trying to do?” Levi asked and she looked at him confusedly.

“Excuse me?” Nathalie sighed when he delayed his answer, letting her know that he wanted to come in. She pulled the door further open and let him in. The two of them settled by her couch that faced her office and he sat beside her.

“Don’t push me away, Nat,” Levi said looking away from her and down on the floor instead as he pressed his arms on top of his legs.

She bit her lip. “I’m trying to do what’s right,”

“And you believe that pushing me away is the right thing?” He turned and looked at her, with that same dead look in his eyes and she sighed. She could still tell what he was feeling. What he was thinking.

“I don’t ever want to hurt you again, Levi,”

“Hurt me? Why? Because he can’t give you a spec of what you need and you fear you might turn to me?” Levi said. His eyes bore into her own, but she stood up off the couch and turned her back on him instead. She headed for the window and crossed her arms against her chest biting her lip a little harsher. “He can’t love you. He can’t kiss you the way I do. He can’t hold you in the nights. He’s got no time for you, Nat. He can’t give you what you want, so you’ll come to me. Seeking all of that from me,”

“I would never use you like that!” Nathalie burst and she turned and looked at him, still seated on her couch. “You do not deserve that. You do not deserve somebody like me, all I’m going to do is hurt you, and that’s the last thing I want, because you’re… you’re precious, Levi. You’re so precious and so kind and nice to me, and I want to… I want to…” Nathalie lost her words and she groaned instead. I want to love you, she wanted to say, but how could she allow herself to admit that?

“What?” Levi stood up and approached her. He reached close enough and she took a step back and he a step forward. And that repeated till her back met the wall and his silver eyes were staring down at her – predatory. “What, Nat?!” He wrapped his arms around her and trapped her between him and the wall. His face, his lips, merely inches away from her own. “What do you want? Say it,” Silver eyes met her own. He needed an answer.

How terrible was it going to be if she admitted it? “I want to love you,”

I want to love you. So, she wanted it? She wanted it, even though she couldn’t. But that was enough for him. His precious little Nathalie looked like a helpless prey in his arms. He tightened his grip around her, and the tip of his nose brushed snuggly across her own. His precious little girl. Mine.

“You say you don’t want to hurt me…” He spoke, calmer now. His breath brushed warm down her lips, her neck, her chin. “…but you’ve no idea I live for that pain,”

And then he kissed her. He kissed her hard and she was gone. She melted right in even though she knew she shouldn’t. She shouldn’t be indulging to this. He did not deserve to be treated like this. She was doing to Levi the exact same thing that Erwin was doing to her. An endless cycle of hurting and get hurt. It all ended up in pain either way. I live for that pain.

Did he really want this? Someone to treat him like this? It was sick and it made no sense, and he knew that. But he wasn’t trying to make sense of his feelings. He never really did. Levi kept every spec of emotion locked away for a very long time, and then she came, and he let it all out, and everything he felt for her just felt so good there was no running from it. Her lips were so soft, and her taste, sweet. Her body, small but tender to the touch and warm on top of him in the nights. He had missed her so much. He never wanted any other. And she tried to put him in someone else’s arms, but Petra was just not what he wanted.

He wanted a woman, not a little girl.

So, he kissed her hard, and there was no saying how much he had missed those lips. He had missed her sweet taste on his tongue, he had missed her body in his arms, trembling in his kisses, her sweet moans in his mouth. He had missed it all. He had missed her. His beautiful Nathalie. His sweet woman. His everything.  

“No…” She mumbled against his lips, but he kissed her harder. Levi picked her up, urging her to wrap her legs around his waist and he took her to her bedroom. He let go of her lips and slipped down to her neck. He planted kisses and bites and licks on her creamy skin, and he lied her down gently on her bed. He planted a particularly rough bite on her neck, and she gasped, burying her fingers in his hair. “…Levi, no… please… stop,”

He pulled back to look at her, spread out to him on her bed. Her robe wrinkled and the sash almost untied. Her heaving chest beneath her gown. Hair messy and lips swollen. She cupped his face and ran her thumb across his cheek, and he closed his eyes briefly. She did not want this. He shouldn’t engage in anything she didn’t want. But her touch was so soft, so warm and soothing. He sighed heavily and pulled back. He wanted to wreck her, right then and there. He wanted to hear her scream his name in that pretty voice of hers. He wanted so much to do to her right now. But he had left a bitemark on her neck. One that was going to show for days. That should be enough for now.

He pulled back and stood up settling his jacket back in place and sighing heavily. “I love you, Nat, but he can’t,” He said before walking out of the room leaving her there on the bed.

Nathalie groaned and grabbed her pillow bringing it over her face and screaming into it.

Notes:

No worries about the levi x oc stuff, I just wanted him to give her that hickey so that erwin can be pissed off in the next chap MUAHAHAHHA

Sneak Peek on the next Chap

His large fingers found her neck and brushed over the hickey. Who the hell had marked her? And she had allowed them to? Was it Levi?? Erwin felt his nerves get on fire. He gritted his teeth. “You’ve been sleeping with Levi, haven’t you?” He almost growled but tried to stay calm.

Nathalie took a few steps away from him. “And what if I have? What do you care? It’s not like you’ve laid any claim on me,” She scoffed.

Chapter 35: Her

Notes:

Don't wanna brag but this is the best chapter I've written so far AHAHHA

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR THE AWESOME COMMENTS AND KUDOS PLS KEEP EM COMING

oh and lemme know if this chapter makes you cry cuz it made me AHAHAH

Nathalie, Miche and Erwin were in Erwin’s office, making some last-minute preparations for the upcoming Expedition. Miche arched an eyebrow as he stared at both Nathalie and Erwin, sitting on Erwin’s desk, side by side while he sat across them. The three of them rereading Erwin’s plans for the 57^th Expedition and everything seemed to be making sense so far. That Expedition was at least two months later, and Erwin had predicted a great many things based on Nathalie’s speculations. Both Nathalie and Erwin were quiet and trying their best not to look to each other or even brush each other with a touch. She was sitting further away from Erwin, by the corner of his desk that didn’t seem very comfortable for her.

Miche sniffed. Awkwardness. He was sniffing awkwardness in the room right now. He sniffed again. Yup. What the hell was going on between those two? He knew they had been trying to keep a distance with each other but things felt tense. It happened before every Expedition. Miche and Nathalie were the only ones to first examine the first drafts of Erwin’s plans for every Expedition since they were both members of the first squad – Erwin’s squad.

“Alright, what the hell’s going on with you two?” Miche asked.

Erwin sighed and Nathalie’s cheeks got a bright red right away. “U- Uh, w- what?” Nathalie asked dumbly.

“Let’s not have this conversation now, Miche,” Erwin said.

Miche sniffed. “Ah, I see,” They weren’t together, were they? Even though everybody thought they were. Erwin hadn’t even told her how he felt yet. “Well,” Miche stood up and the two of them finally looked up at him – almost pleading him with their looks to not leave and leave them alone in the same room. “Nature calls,” Miche left the room and Erwin held back the urge to stop him from leaving. Nathalie turned her back on him and pretended she was focused on the papers in front of her.

Fuck. Miche shouldn’t have left. He shouldn’t have left them both in the same room! This was a disaster. Nathalie didn’t even want to be there. This man had neglected her feelings, her parents’ death, he had hurt her again and there was no point for her to talk to him about it. If she talked to him, what was she supposed to say? How could she hope for him to change his mind, to stop hurting her?

Nathalie stood up and gathered the papers in her hands. “I got to go. I’ll study these in my office,” She turned to leave but he caught her hand and held her in place.

“Nathalie, please. Stay. We need to talk,”

She looked down at his grip on her forearm and she tried to pull her arm away from his own, but he tightened his grip enough to make her let out a soft wince. “Erwin, please, let me go. Have you not hurt me enough?”

It broke his heart the way she said it. But he didn’t have a heart. No, a stone could not break. He hadn’t even noticed how tightly he was digging bruises on her forearm. He stood up and approached her.

“It was not my intention to hurt you,”

She chuckled bitterly. “It never is,” She tried to snap her hand away from his own, but he tightened his grip even more, she let out a cry. It hurt. “Erwin!”

He dragged her closer to him so that he could get a better look at the red bitemark on her neck. He released her hand and she rubbed her bruised forearm. What was that for? Why was he suddenly so angry about? She had done nothing wrong. She was the one who should be angry at him, but she couldn’t find it in her heart to be. She was merely sad. That was all. And she would let him sadden her and break her heart over and over. She loved this man. This stone-cold man.

His large fingers found her neck and brushed over the hickey. Who the hell had marked her? And she had allowed them to? Was it Levi?? Erwin felt his nerves get on fire. He gritted his teeth. “You’ve been sleeping with Levi, haven’t you?” He almost growled but tried to stay calm.

Nathalie took a few steps away from him. “And what if I have? What do you care? It’s not like you’ve laid any claim on me,” She scoffed. It wasn’t like he owned her. They weren’t even together, why the hell would she have to be faithful to him? He had hurt her.

Before she knew it, her back crushed against his bookcase and his hand was on her throat. Fingers laced around her neck, threatening to choke her. She breathed hard. She didn’t know whether she wanted this or was scared. His bright blue eyes were more dangerous than ever. She felt like a prey in the clutches of a predator.

“You’re mine. Mine,” He hissed against her lips and his one arm around her tightened. “You’re all mine, and you don’t get to fuck around whilst that’s a fact,”

Oh, so her freedom wasn’t even her own anymore? “I’m not!” Nathalie cried out. “I’m not yours, I don’t know what you feel for me. I can’t be yours until I do!”

“I feel nothing for you,” He let go of her and turned his back on her. It was a lie. A lie he kept telling himself. A lie that he had tried to use to convince himself. I feel nothing for her. She’s nothing to me. She’s nothing. But it was just so hard to resist because she was everything to him and it was just so difficult.

She felt numb for a moment. Had he actually just said that? Nathalie let out a soft sob and she choked it back. I feel nothing for you. It felt like a stab in the heart. Why was he doing this? Why again? Had he not hurt her enough? “Why are you doing this?” Tears ran down her cheeks, but she wiped them away immediately. “But I… I love you,” There was no point in trying, was there? She had done so much for him. She’d let him hurt her and she had taken it, but how much could she take?

I feel nothing for you.

“You don’t love me, Nathalie, you love the way I treat you,” He turned and looked at her and approached her. “You love the way I use you. The way I hurt you,” He wrapped his arms around her. “You love the way I break your heart, over and over. You love how heartless I am,” He knew there was some truth in it. She would never admit it, but yes, she loved the way he used her. His doll. His little slut to use to please himself. But he was wrong about everything else.

“If that was true, I would have never joined the Survey Corps,” Nathalie sniffled. “I wouldn’t set my mind on becoming a better soldier than you are if it wasn’t for the sake of protecting you,” She gritted her teeth. “I tried to leave. I tried to convince myself that pursuing you is a hopeless cause. Yet here I am,”

“Then why are you here?” His arms tightened around her. “Why are you here, Nathalie, I’ve given you every reason to hate me. Why don’t you just do it?!”

He looked so desperate. Bright blue eyes wide staring into her own. His arms so tight around her, it suffocated her, but she didn’t care. Was that it? He had been trying to make her hate him? To make her leave again? Why would he do that? He probably didn’t even want her to be there, did he? No. He didn’t want her to be in love with him. He didn’t want that because he was going to fail her. He was going to hurt her. He was possibly going to ride right into his death one day and he knew he wouldn’t spare a thought for her. He would hurt her because he’d put his job above her. He’d do it without a second thought and order her to jump right into her death if it meant his plans would bear fruition.

And she did not deserve that. She had to leave before it’d get to this.

“Maybe that’s because…” Nathalie’s eyes softened, and she cupped his cheek. “…deep down I hope that there’s a part of you that you won’t let out,” She ran the back of her soft fingers across his cheek, and he closed his eyes momentarily. Her eyes filled with new tears. “A gentle man who would allow himself to love me,”

He hated that she was right. He hated that she knew him so well. Maybe there was a part of him that he had cut off. Maybe if the circumstances were different, he would have done more than just marry her by now.

Nathalie wanted to kiss him. His forehead met her own and his nose brushed snuggly at the tip of her own. Her hand still on his cheek. But she pulled back. She escaped his hold – God knows how she did that – and she hurried out of his office grabbing the papers and taking them with her. She wiped her cheeks hastily and shut his door behind bumping onto Miche who was making his way back.

A gentle man who would allow himself to love me. But he couldn’t allow himself to do that, could he? There was no way he could do that. Not now. Not when the world was on his shoulders. Not when it would only lead to something worse. God, he wanted to go after her. He wanted to kiss her. He wanted to wipe her cheeks and taste her salty tears on her lips.

I feel nothing for you. How dare he say that? It was so wrong. It was such a lie. I’ve given you every reason to hate me. Why won’t you just do it? Why did she have to be so difficult? Usually, everybody would dance at the rhythm that he set. Everybody was reacting exactly as he had predicted in his brilliant plans but why was she so different? How could a simple woman make such a mess of him? Why could he not manipulate her the way he managed to do with everybody else?

It frustrated him because he knew the answer. He loved her. Fuck, he loved her. How dare he allow himself to fall? He swiped on the floor everything that he had on his desk. Piles of papers and folders and that pot of ink. It all crashed on the floor into a terrible mess, and it wasn’t nearly enough to make up for his anger. He wanted to wreck this entire office.

“Wow, I guess that didn’t go well,” Miche frowned. He had just seen this, and Erwin glared at him.

“This is your fault,” Erwin growled as he dropped on one knee and began gathering his pile of messy papers.

“My fault? I’m not the one who made her cry. What the hell did you even tell her, man?” Miche scoffed as he dropped on one knee as well to help him pick up the mess.

“None of your business,”

“I’m your best friend, of course, it’s my business,”

“I don’t have a best friend,”

Miche frowned. “Ah, I see. That I don’t feel anything strong man act? It may work on her, but it doesn’t work on me,” He sighed. He knew how stubborn Erwin could be. “Listen, this is obviously not working for either you, or her,” He stood back up, placing a few papers on the desk. “You either go after her and resolve this, or let this distract you forever,” Miche shrugged.

He was giving him two very impossible options. Erwin cursed beneath his breath. Miche was right. There was no way he could focus on doing anything else today but think of her.

Erwin stood up and rushed out of the room. He couldn’t believe he was almost running. He couldn’t believe the urgency he felt. This wasn’t urgent. The fate of the world didn’t depend on what he and Nathalie had. Oh, but his mental health depended on it. And he couldn’t believe himself. He had never gotten himself so worked up over a woman. He snapped her door open and found her standing by her office. She turned to look at him with surprised wide eyes and she parted her pretty lips to talk to him, but he spoke first.

“I feel for you, Nathalie,” Erwin approached her immediately and wrapped his arms around her before she could utter a word. “I feel for you so much and that’s a problem. It’s a huge problem because we can’t be together. I can’t tell you I love you. I can’t tell you I want you by my side, always and forever, and there’s no way to explain how frustrated it makes me the thought of you being with someone else other than me,” His arms slipped down to her hips, pressing her against him and for once in his life – he ignored reason. He shouldn’t have said any of this. “I’m selfish. I want you to give me everything when I know I’ll give you nothing. I know. And you’re right, there’s so much that I am not letting out, but I have no choice. We’re in the Scouts, Nathalie. I might die one day. You might die one day. Either way, nothing’s sure. It all ends up in pain, and I would never wish that for you,”

He had left her speechless once more. She couldn’t believe she hadn’t seen it coming. That was it. The reason he’d been holding back. The reason he had intentionally hurt her the past few days. She should have known. There was nothing to blame him for. This man had just thought everything through. Honestly, Nathalie hadn’t thought if they were together, and he died somehow during a battle outside – how would that end up for her? Or if she died. No. That was the worst. He would be… broken if he lost her, right? He cared for her. He cares for me.

A bright smile spread over her lips, and she confused him for a moment, because she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and pulled him into the tightest hug, urging him to lean down to her height. She buried her face in his neck and she let out a shaky sigh of relief. At least now she knew he cared. It was all she needed.

“You’re wrong, you know,” Nathalie mumbled in his neck. “You’re not heartless,” She closed her eyes and smiled. “You only tell yourself you are,”

Erwin let out a sigh and buried his face in her shoulder. His arms tightened around her, bringing her to his height, picking her up off the floor. Her feet, dangling, his face in her neck now. He pulled back to look at her, and she was absolutely gorgeous. His pretty girl. The woman he loved.

“You don’t ever have to tell me you love me,” Nathalie cupped his cheek with her tender fingers and her bright blue eyes met his own. “But I love you, so please just let me,” No, that wasn’t enough. She knew exactly what to do. She had to convince him in the only way that this man would understand. “I- I- I want to be there for you. To make sure you eat and sleep properly and make sure you’re not overexerting yourself and I expect nothing in return. J- J- Just think for a moment how advantageous that would be to your work… having a healthy sleeping schedule, and not burning yourself out, and not worrying about interrupting your work just so you can go downstairs and grab something to eat because I’ll bring it to you. I’ll be there to remind you that you need to sleep. I just need you to let me,”

“Even if I don’t, you’ll be there for me anyway,” Erwin gave her a smile.

She giggled. A bright blush spread across her cheeks. “You can’t get rid of me,”

“I never want to,”

Her smile faded and instead she pressed her forehead against his own as she ran the tip of her index finger down his jawline. He knew her so well. I never want to. So, he cared for her? He did. He really did, didn’t he? Otherwise, he wouldn’t be giving her that look. That soft look in his bright blue eyes. His arms around her. That smile on his lips that was so genuine. He loved her. He didn’t have to say it and his reasons were valid, but she knew it. He loved her.

Ah fuck it. He caught her lips in his own and he kissed her hard. She hummed in his mouth and buried her fingers in his hair. Her heart thrummed hard beneath her chest that was now pressed against his own. She had missed him so much. So damn much. And he too had missed her sweet taste. Her plump lips, her scent, the feeling of her body against his own. How easy she was to pick up in his arms and hold her tight. How amazingly her fingers traced his hair. He deepened the kiss, seeking for more of her taste, her scent, her. Just her.

Chapter 36: The New Members of the Survey Corps

Notes:

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“We know for a fact that Eren cannot possibly be the spy, but you said he possibly has the Founding Titan,” Erwin said as he watched Nathalie write down on the green board of his office.

“Indeed. His father, Grisha Yeager came from Marley, the outside enemy Nation,” Nathalie turned and looked at him. “He said he had found the true royal family and they held the Founder. I don’t know how it went out, but if Eren devoured his father, then he most possibly inherited both the Attack and Founding Titan,” Nathalie explained. It was just the two of them once again in his office, a late night of mission planning. “And then there’s the Colossal and the Armoured titans, our two spies and they’re after Eren, the Founding Titan, which only means that those two spies are within the 104^th Cadet Corps, that get to choose their regiments tomorrow,”

Erwin nodded. Everything she said made sense. That was one of the many things he loved about her. So logical. So right. “Then I need to lure them to join the Survey Corps,”

Nathalie arched an eyebrow as she held her notebooks in her hug and a piece of white chalk in the other hand that she used to write on the board. But she paused for a minute to turn to look at him.

“Let me guess,” Nathalie tucked her glasses further up the bridge of her nose. “You’re going to reveal the intel about Grisha’s basement,”

“It is our only apparent path to the truth. They’ll definitely try to sabotage it by joining our ranks and creating trouble. They don’t know that we have a Burgess and I intend to keep it that way,” Erwin stood off his desk and approached her. He tucked his hands in the pockets of his pants as he stared at the chemical equations and biological theories that she had been working on his green board. He couldn’t understand a thing, but he wanted to. He knew she had figured everything out. He knew she was everything he needed to succeed. Erwin wrapped an arm around her waist and brought her back to his chest. Both staring at the board, but all she could think about was his warm arms around her, and his hot breath on her ear. “You are the ace up my sleeve, Nathalie,” He spoke against her ear, and she bit her lip.

Goodness, this was no time to be gushing over him like a teenage girl. Nathalie let down her notebooks and the chalk and she decided to abandon her research for tonight, because frankly, she was quite tired.

She turned and looked at him. Her hands pressed flat on that wrinkly white shirt on his chest, and she looked up at him. “I’m going to bed. How about you join me?” She gave him a soft smile and he sighed heavily again. There she goes. She recognised that look of annoyance on his face and she frowned. “You need rest, you know,” She said and crossed her arms against her chest, whilst he withdrew his own from around her.

“I need to prepare a speech for tomorrow,” Erwin headed back to his desk, and she knew they were about to have the same conversation that they’d have every single night for the past few days.

“I will write that speech for you tomorrow. You need to go to bed!” Nathalie whined.

Erwin groaned. “I got paperwork to take care of. Not now, Nathalie,”

“You won’t be able to do any paperwork if you pass out on your desk instead,” Nathalie reasoned.

“Go to bed and leave me alone, or go sleep back to your quarters,” Erwin sat back down on his desk and drew another paper in front of him from his pile. He was avoiding looking at her as she was about to explode.

This fucking stubborn man. They had been sharing his quarters for the past couple of days and she loved it, she couldn’t deny it, but he was kicking her out now because she was being annoying? Because she was trying to help him? She groaned.

“Fine! I’m gonna go sleep on a bed LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!”

“Great, go do that,”

“I’M DOING IT!”

“And be quiet about it,”

“SURE!”

“GREAT!”

“FINE!” Nathalie slammed his door closed and walked out of his office leaving a very, very annoyed man behind. Had she actually just left??? Did that mean that she wouldn’t sleep on his bed tonight???

He sighed heavily pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers. That incredible woman was giving him an incredible headache and she wasn’t even there – and maybe that was exactly why he was having a headache. Erwin stood up and found her on the hall, on her way to her quarters that she hadn’t been in, in days. He wrapped his arms around her and picked her up, settling her face down on his back, with her stomach on his shoulder. She let out yelp and started punching his back and thrashing, to no avail.

“Hey! Let me down you stubborn, hot-headed, selfish, infuriating, self-centred, exasperating, tiresome, irritating, egocentric …” Nathalie kept talking and Erwin only chuckled as he took her back to his quarters, and only let her down when he closed the door. “…heedless, insensitive, inconsiderate, difficult, UNBELIEVABLE-” Nathalie tried to say but he muffled her with his lips on her own and she forgot everything about why she was angry at him.

He kissed her sweet and wrapped his arms around her and he loved how she melted right in, even though she had been cursing his guts just a few seconds ago. His sweet Nathalie just couldn’t be mad at him, could she? He almost felt bad for using that to his advantage. But she’d never deny him a kiss like this one. She cupped his cheek and lifted herself up on her tiptoes. Her sweet man.

Erwin pulled back with a smile on his lips as he met the hazy look in her eyes. His sweet girl. “You were saying?” He teased and it took her a moment to snap out of it.

“I’m still mad at you,” Nathalie said as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders but that hazy, dreamy look did not yet abandon her blue eyes and that smile on her plump lips told him otherwise.

“Mhmm, I can see that,” Erwin said sarcastically.

She noticed the sarcasm and she grinned. “I might not wash your clothes this week. Wanna see you scrub them yourself,”

Erwin cringed mentally but his smile only grew. “Alright, how about you go to sleep, and I join you in say… half an hour?”

Nathalie groaned. “Fine,” She escaped his hold and headed for the bedroom. “I’m going to scold you so bad if you don’t do that,”

He chuckled knowing that she’d fall asleep the moment she’d lie down, and she wouldn’t even notice whether he was there or not. “Goodnight,”

“Goodnight,”

It didn’t take too long when she felt his weight pressing down on the other side of his bed. He hadn’t taken her even after they decided she move in with him ‘temporarily’. He had wanted her by his side, to remind him that he had to go to sleep. He wanted her to do her research sharing his desk, making sure to keep an eye on her and stop her when she was coughing too much and spitting out too much blood. And in the nights, he just wanted her there. Heck, he had even dragged her back to his room when she walked out.

He had given in, hadn’t he? He had given into his feelings for her. He had surrendered to how good it felt having her around and Miche always made sure to give him a wink whilst they passed each other through the halls of the HQ. He was the factor of their current situation. But they hadn’t been intimate. It had been a couple of days since their last fight. He’d only kiss her and hold her in the nights, and she seemed happier than ever. She didn’t need anything else than that, did she? And he found that he didn’t either.

It was impossible to believe that taking her wasn’t an urgency. All he wanted was to be close to her. He didn’t want anything else, and he couldn’t believe himself. The only women who would ever be on his bed would be there for that very one reason. But, no, Nathalie was there because he needed her. He needed her there, and she needed to be there.

He had given in. And it was so wrong.

But it was so much easier to ignore how wrong this all was. You don’t ever have to tell me you love me. But I do, so please just let me. And he let her. He let her, telling himself that he’d give nothing back, but he did give. He gave her his embrace in the nights. He gave her his presence, his attention for the entirety of the day. He gave her kisses. He held her. And it just felt so good, it was unbelievable.

And like the other nights, he lied beside her on the bed and shifted closer. She had her back turned to his side. A hand tucked beneath her pillow where she laid her cheek above. Eyes closed and soft breaths escaping her nose. Messy hair, and a slim body dressed in her white silky gown. The white skin of her back exposed till her middle. Erwin shifted closer till his bare chest met her back and he wrapped his arms around her bringing the blankets to cover their bodies. He buried his face in the back of her shoulder. His nose found the crook of her neck, her hair. He drew in her scent and closed his eyes, even though he would be just happy staring down at her. His sweet angel. So beautiful even in the messy state of her sleep.

He knew he had given in. There was no going back. Even if he pushed her away now, it would still break him if she died in battle. And if he died in battle, it would hurt her even more. His arms tightened around her, and she mumbled his name snapping out of her sleep even for just a small moment.

“ ‘win,” She twisted her body so that she was facing him. He had a soft smile on his lips and his hand found cheek. “You’re here,” She mumbled sleepily, and she yawned cutely.

His smile only grew, and he cursed himself mentally. He had given in. “I’m here, sweetheart,” His large palm cupped the back of her head and brought her to bury her face in his bare chest. She purred like a kitten and nuzzled in his warm skin before drifting back to her much needed rest. He tangled his fingers in her hair and he sighed closing his eyes. It felt so good. So, fucking good just having her there. He couldn’t believe he’d ask of nothing else than this right now.

༻◊۞◊༺

As promised, Nathalie wrote that speech for him tomorrow first thing in the morning. She knew it wasn’t going to take him long to learn it. Erwin was brilliant. He could memorise something just by reading it once. He could make everybody believe something that was absurd. He could make his soldiers ride to their deaths and want to do it.

Erwin was smart, and manipulative. He could make a perfect villain. But he wasn’t one. He was the man she adored. And she was standing by him as the young soldiers of the 104^th Cadet Corps gathered in the yard. Both Nathalie and Erwin were in their Survey Corps uniform. Miche, Petra, Moblit and the rest of Hange’s Squad were there as well holding the maps that they were going to use during the speech.

“Let’s hope that speech of yours works,” Miche nodded at Nathalie as he peeked at Erwin giving another glance on that paper in his hands with the speech.

Nathalie parted her lips to say something, but Erwin approached them. “It’s gonna work. It’s perfect,” He said, handing the paper back to Nathalie and a smile spread on his lips as her cheeks grew a bright red. Miche chuckled looking at the two and he shook his head.

“Finally,” He mumbled, and Erwin arched an eyebrow.

“We’re good to go, Commander,” Moblit said and Erwin nodded and tried to walk up on the podium, but Nathalie stopped him grabbing his hand and he turned and looked at her.

She had a soft smile on her lips as she fixed up his bolo tie that had fallen out of place, and her hand reached up for his hair that were slightly messy. She tucked them back in place picking up herself on her tiptoes to reach him, and she felt his hand resting on her waist. She had a focused look on her face. Her bright blue eyes met his own when she was done.

“Thank you, Nathalie,” Erwin pressed a kiss at the back of her palm, and she nodded with a smile.

“Go,” She chuckled, and she watched him walk away as she followed closely from behind.

And it did work. Splendidly. The kids that stayed back were not many, but they were enough, and she was certain at least two of them could be the spies they had been looking for. Erwin had no doubt as he looked at the kids. They all looked scared, and he wouldn’t blame them. The Scout Regiment was the cruellest of them all.

“This is a genuine salute, soldiers. Together we give our hearts!” Erwin saluted the remaining soldiers, and so did everybody else.

Nathalie was standing behind him, and even though there were so many people around her, Erwin was all she could look at. She could tell those kids were terrified, but after that, they almost looked inspired. They had just chosen the Regiment that they were most likely going to die in. Yet, Erwin had inspired them in that tense moment. They were doing the right thing. The Scout Regiment was the only Regiment to bring some change.

And they could only achieve that with Erwin as their leader. Nathalie may had been the one to help, but it was all Erwin. It was all him. God, she loved him. She would follow him to death and beyond.

For the next few days, Nathalie was moving back and forth to the castle that the Special Operations Squad – Levi’s squad were keeping Eren. Hange was eager to find out whether Eren could control his titan form, and Nathalie wanted to gather titan spinal fluid from him if he could manage to assume form. She was positive she could find so many things if she got her hands on it.

It was afternoon now, the sun was close to setting and they were sitting outside the castle on a table, having a cup of tea. The first experiment of having Eren transforming in a well, didn’t work. It looked like Eren could not transform at will, and it was something that Nathalie, Hange and Moblit expected based on Nathalie’s assumptions.

“Alright, darling,” Nathalie handed Eren a knife whilst the Levi squad remained nearby and armed.

Levi was there too. He had avoided Nathalie as much as he could. She looked okay. She looked happy. He was happy for her, but he felt like keeping his distance. He could not be around her without the thought of the things they had done and been through together.

“For you to transform you need to have an intention. Your intention now is to transform and show us that you can control this,” Nathalie explained and Eren nodded.

“Right,” A look of determination on his face.

“After you have set your mind on your intention, you need to have your blood come in contact with iron. Slice your palm with the knife and keep that intention in mind. Got it?” Nathalie explained and Eren nodded.

“Okay,”

Nathalie turned at Hange, Moblit, Levi and his squad. “Everybody get back!” She cried out at them and she made a few steps back from Eren, giving him enough space to transform in the vast valley they were now in. Nathalie drew out her swords. Even if he transformed, there was no way they could tell whether he could control what he was doing through his titan form. “Get ready!” Everyone else drew their swords and she looked at Eren giving him a smile and a nod.

It was all he needed.

Eren transformed successfully that day, and it looked like he had control over it, and there was no explaining for how long Hange was screaming at the top of her lungs from the excitement. Nathalie gathered all the titan spinal fluid she could and prepared to leave and take them back to the lab. She needed to test them. She needed to put them beneath a microscope. She needed to figure out just how close she could get to that all-wound-healing serum that she had been having in mind a while now. Maybe she could finally cure her disease. Maybe she could finally minimise the deaths of every expedition, and it would be important to fix that before the 57^th Expedition.

“Nat,” Levi’s voice came from behind and she paused fixing her horse’s saddle to turn and look at him. It was night now. It was time they ride back to Trost. Levi was right there approaching her, running a hand through her horse’s mane.

“Levi, darling,” Nathalie gave him a smile and he tried to hold back his own. “Anything I can help you with?”

He pursed his lips. It was wrong to ask this, but he had to. He needed to know. “Is he… treating you well?”

Nathalie was dumbfounded by his question and a bright blush spread across her cheeks. She pulled her eyes away from him and she looked down on the soil. She bit her lip and she nodded.

“Yes. I’m happy,” She looked back up at him with one of her precious smiles. He was worried at first, but seeing that smile, he could tell that she wasn’t lying to him. She was happy indeed. And it gladdened him so much to know that. He nodded at her and tried to turn around and leave, but Nathalie caught his hand and pulled him into a hug.

Levi’s eyes widened for a moment and his body felt stiff in her arms as she hugged him, but he gave in eventually. He wrapped his arms around her and he buried his face in her shoulder, and she in his own. He drew in her scent, and he sighed heavily, closing his eyes momentarily. He had missed her. He had missed her so much, there was no describing it.

Levi pulled back and she gave him a smile before she mounted her horse. “Don’t be too hard on my kid,” She grinned.

Levi shrugged. “No promises,”

Chapter 37: Terrible Liar

Notes:

Thanks y'all for the awesome comments and support!!!

So I made those drawings a while back, idk whether I've already posted the nat one but imma just resend stuff. Lemme know what you think! This chapter is uwuwuwuwuwu

Erwin and Nathalie 🥺🥺🥺

Nathalie

It had been full twelve hours, but Nathalie couldn’t stop. She couldn’t get a break. There was no time for breaks. Eren’s titan spinal fluid had everything she needed. Now she only needed the devices. She only needed the right tools. She needed the right microscope. The right equipment. She wrote down. She made the calculations. She wrote down step by step on her notebook how she would use a freaking spectrophotometer, and a centrifuge, and a vortex and the dilutions it’d take, and a million other techniques.

“I don’t know how possible this is, but we had intel of a full laboratory facility beneath the very royal castle,” Grisha had said, and Nathalie had of course passed this information to Erwin and Hange and Miche. Erwin had told her that they had a lot to do before getting there. And he was right, they could not slip through the MPs without having the government closing the Survey Corps for good. They had to overthrow the government first and Erwin had entrusted with her that this wouldn’t take too long before becoming a reality.

But she’d get her hands on that laboratory, and when she would, she’d make the impossible possible. She would figure out a way to save all Eldians. To end this war. To bring forth the peaceful world that she, Erwin, and their comrades had devoted their hearts to. Nathalie had to do this, even if it was at the expense of her. She didn’t care. She knew she would get her hands on that lab, and she would figure out ways to cure herself.

She had hope.

She had to live

She had to live the life that she had dreamt she’d have with Erwin. Erwin. Her beloved man. A smile spread on her lips. Everything had been good between them lately. Ever since their fight, things were clearer. At least, now she knew he felt something for her. It didn’t necessarily have to be love, and even if it was, he didn’t have to say it. She just wanted to be there for him, with him.

Nathalie pulled herself up on her feet. It was late in the night. She hadn’t seen him a lot today – not after their early meeting of all the high-ranking scouts. She had been working all day since. And she knew he had done the same. She should go back to their shared bed before he had the chance to come pick her up himself and carry her there. She knew he had work to do. He didn’t have to spend his precious time on her and her stupid selflessness. She made her way limply to their quarters. They had been sharing his quarters. She had moved some of her stuff there, but she still had her office even though she barely used it.

Arms slipped around her the moment she entered his office. Erwin pulled her in and slammed her body against the closed door. Nathalie almost lost her step. She was already weak enough from her disease and the hours of working. The blood that she had spit out and lost through her nostrils was enough to leave her dizzy. She parted her lips to say something, but Erwin’s lips found her own. He kissed her hard, knocking her head back against the door. His arms tightened around her, pulling her from the door and pressing her against him.

He tasted her blood on her tongue, and he pulled back to look at her dizzy eyes, her hazy state. He cupped her face and her head leaned on his hand as she forced a weak smile.

“You took it too far again, didn’t you?” Erwin bit his tongue. If she couldn’t, then he couldn’t take her like he wanted. He was on his way to her, to find her in the labs and take her back to their quarters and put her on his bed and use her to forget all about the things he was stressed about, because the past few days of planning the 57^th Expedition had been so fucking stressful. He was going to lead all those kids to their deaths, wasn’t he? He was going to add to that mountain of corpses that he was standing on.

“E- Erwin, I-” Nathalie tried to speak but he cut her.

“I need you,” He wrapped his arms around her. His eyes met her own with that look – she could tell, he was out of his mind. He had a million things weighing down on him. But if she could help him someway – any way he wanted, so be it, even though she wasn’t in a good state either right now. But anything – anything for him. “Tell me you’re alright,” His arms tightened around her as he looked down at her with that same urgency. He needed her consent. “Tell me you’re here for me, for now… say it…”

She cupped his cheeks. A soft look on her face as she picked herself up on her tiptoes and reached for his lower lip, nibbling it between her soft lips. “I’m here,” She spoke against his lips, and she guided his face in her shoulder. Of course, she was there for him. Always there for him.

Erwin buried his face in her neck, and he drew in her scent, and he closed his eyes. He pressed her against him, and he started planting kisses on her neck, her shoulder, pulling on her shirt, clutching on it, trapping her tender skin between his lips, and leaving down his marks on her wonderful white skin. He hadn’t had her in so long. His sweet little girl. His sweet baby. His little Nathalie.

She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and allowed him to litter the skin of her neck in his marks, his bites, his bruises. She gasped in each and every one of them. It felt so good. Those groans and little grunts that erupted from his throat as he feasted on her sweet pale-white skin. Nathalie enjoyed it all more than she could express at the moment. Her body felt limp in his hands after a few seconds and her head rolled back weakly and he only stopped when he realised that she would have dropped on the floor if he wasn’t holding her.

“Nathalie?” He cupped her cheek with one hand, supporting her with the other.

“I- I’m fine, just… a little dizzy,” Her hand found his hair. “Take me to bed… please,”

Erwin picked her up and took her to bed as she had asked. His worries – his stress disappeared in an instance. He had almost forgotten what he was so worried about. He had another priority, and it wasn’t relieving his stress. It wasn’t using her for his pleasure. It wasn’t using her to forget all about his guilts, his duties. It was her health his priority. And he had never felt that before. His necessity to fuck her was gone. The only necessity left, was taking her to bed and making sure she was fine.

And this was so wrong. He shouldn’t be giving a fuck about her health. He shouldn’t be caring too much about her. He shouldn’t be in love with her. He shouldn’t be so gentle, so caring, so… weak.

And he shouldn’t be ignoring those thoughts, but he did. He ignored them, and it was so easy. He lied her down to her side of the bed and he sat beside her by the edge of the bed, reaching out for her gown. She just had to put it on and go to sleep. She was exhausted. But so was he.

Nathalie cupped his cheeks and brought him down to her to kiss her again, but he merely pecked her lips. She looked confusedly up at him. “I’m fine, Erwin, we can still-”

“You can’t, Nathalie,”

She sighed heavily and bit her lip. If she couldn’t let him take her, then what was the point of him keeping her around? She knew he possibly loved her – there was a large possibility that he felt the same things for her that she felt for him. But that wasn’t sure. Nathalie merely bit her lip and tried to think until an idea came in mind.

“I got a better idea,” She tugged on his hand urging him to lie down beside her. He stared at her confusedly for a moment. What could possibly be that better idea? She giggled. “C’mon,”

He did as she had asked and lied beside her, kicking off his shoes and proceeded to wrap his arms around her and bring her to nuzzle in his chest but she stopped him. Now he really was confused. Nathalie wrapped her arms around his shoulders instead, and she brought his face to her neck. Gentle fingers buried within his hair and caressed in the gentlest touch. Erwin found himself closing his eyes and wrapping his arms around her waist. He buried his face further into her skin and drew in her sweet scent. She was warm, and tender, and her fingers in his golden hair were all he needed. He couldn’t believe there was such a simple way for him to forget about his stress, his duties, the heaviness of the world’s weight on his shoulders.

Nobody had ever done that to him. There was no woman in the world that had helped him escape his duties in a late desperate night without a mind-blowing fuck or a delicious blowjob. It sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? It is. It really is because this man had no idea what love is. What feelings are. He had been running away from those two useless things that were only going to distract him from the most important thing – his job, his dreams. A selfish man’s dreams. He overlooked everything. A woman would just be his partner for a night or two. But she – Nathalie was different.

Nathalie was his one and only constant. Nathalie was precious. Nathalie was his precious little girl and there was no other. It was just her who could make him feel so good in just one simple gesture. All she did was hold him, yet his heart was thrumming so hard beneath his chest it was impossible to describe.

He had fallen, hadn’t he? There was no fooling himself. He had fallen a long time ago. Erwin pressed a gentle kiss down on her soft skin and he pulled back to look at her. She looked tired and hazy, but her smile on her lips was enough reassurance that she was alright. All she had to do was lie down. She cupped his cheek with her tender warm hand, running her fingers across his jawline.

“My sweet man,” Nathalie smiled at him, and he pressed a kiss on the back of her knuckles as he brought her hand to his lips. “I love you so much,” She closed her eyes. Her head rolled back against her pillow and her smile began to fade. “So much,”

Erwin checked her pulse beneath her wrist – he knew she was okay, he just had to make sure. And she had a steady beat. He sighed in relief and then he just watched her as she slipped deep into sweet unconsciousness. I love you so much. He wanted so much to say it back. He wanted it so much. I love you just as much. But maybe it wasn’t true. At least she had the guts to say it. He couldn’t even muster the courage to do that yet, even though, he so obviously loved her more than his ego would allow.

Erwin put her beneath their bedsheets and he abandoned his paperwork once more. All he wanted to do was lie beside her and hold her all night. His worries, forgotten. She was just so beautiful whilst she slept. She was just so perfect right there, in his warm embrace, burying her face in his chest. His sweet girl. His precious little woman.

He tucked a strand of messy brown hair behind her ear, and he looked down at her. She was fast asleep. There was no way she could hear him. “I love you… Nathalie,” He said finally, but he knew she hadn’t heard him. And it was because of that that he was able to muster enough courage to say it. He was a coward. He could march into his own death and lead others to their demise, but he could not tell her he loved her whilst she’d look up at him with those bright blue eyes, conscious and aware. His arms tightened around her and he buried his nose in her hair. “I love you so much,” He whispered, and closed his eyes. He couldn’t believe he had let this happen.

He couldn’t believe he had allowed himself to fall so deeply. But what could he do if not love her when she was just being so perfect? What was he supposed to do if not love her when she was so eager to do everything for him? Everything he asked her to. Everything he needed she was there to hand it to him, and he didn’t even have to ask. Always there for him since the very start. He had to do the same for her. He had to be there.

He had no time for this. He had no time for a relationship. He had no time to fall in love. He had no time to accept her love. He could not afford this. Erwin bit his inner cheek. What was he supposed to do? How was he supposed to push her away from him? Should he start hurting her again? He had tried that before. It hadn’t worked. It hadn’t worked one bit. What did he have to do to make her hate him?

And then an idea struck him – a terrible one, but it was going to work. You don’t ever have to tell me you love me, but I do, so please let me. Let her. He was going to let her. And then he was going to ruin it. Piece by piece. Part by part. He was going to break her heart so ruthlessly just because he was a terrible man. He was a terrible man and was putting his duties, his dreams, his selfishness above her. All mattered more than she did.

Yes, she didn’t matter to him. At all. She was just a plaything.

Goodness, how was he supposed to convince himself? How was he supposed to convince himself that she was nothing to him when she was everything to him? How much did he have to fool himself? A lot, apparently. Erwin looked down at her whilst she slept. She was so precious. So fragile. His – but she shouldn’t be his. She shouldn’t have fallen for him. She shouldn’t have been trying so hard to earn his love – because she had achieved it.

No, she hasn’t. She’s nothing to me. Just another woman on his bed. Just another plaything. He gritted his teeth and scolded himself mentally.

You’re a terrible liar.

Chapter 38: A Deal and a Murder 🟥

Notes:

One big sexy angsty chap for you thirsty hoes 🥰🥰🥰

and this is how nat ruins a relationship LMAO

THANK YOU FOR READING AND COMMENTING next chap got an insane plottwist which I'm not even sure if I should keep but uh well I've already written 13 chapters ahead so uh

there's no escaping the destruction now I guess lol

Nathalie woke up the next day to the feeling of kisses on her neck, her chin, her cheeks, her lips. She let out a soft giggle and she opened her eyes. She blinked a few times to properly allow the morning sunlight past her thick eyelashes. Her arms reached around his shoulders and fingers snuck beneath his hair, rubbing gently on his scalp. Erwin let out a soft groan and he pulled his face from her neck to look up at her. He was messy. Messy golden hair beneath the sunlight and big bright blue eyes stared back at her own. Chest, bare, plump lips pressed into a smile. He looked like a god, and she wished nothing but to kiss him all over.

She had never seen him in the morning like this. Erwin would always be missing in the mornings. He was never there when she’d wake up. This was new but welcome to her. She cupped his cheek and traced his jawline with her tender fingers. He was so precious. God, she wished she spent all of her remaining mornings like this – by his side. She’d ask of nothing more.

“Good morning, ‘win,” She bit her lip, and his smile slightly grew, but only a little. She wouldn’t be able to see it if she wasn’t so close to him.

“Good morning, sweetheart,” He said and she giggled. He had never called her that before. She loved it. Erwin wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. Nathalie buried her face in his neck, and she wrapped her own arms around his shoulders. She pressed a kiss on the crook of his shoulder and Erwin buried his face in her hair. He closed his eyes. There was no escaping this. There was no breaking her heart to push her away. He sighed deeply. She noticed.

Nathalie pulled back to look at him. “What is it?”

Should he tell her? He told her he loved her last night, but she obviously hadn’t heard him. Should he say it? Now, that she was looking up at him, waiting for him to say something. And if he said it, what would that mean? They would get together, and then what? He knew thinking of the future was stupid – he knew he should focus on now, but Erwin always thought everything through. He couldn’t hurt her to push her away from him, but she would get hurt anyway if he told her he loved her, and one day she lost him. Either way, the result was the same.

“Nathalie, I-”

“Don’t you dare do it again,” Nathalie cut him, and he lost his words. She looked down and shook her head. “Don’t push me away. Not again. You won’t achieve anything by doing that except from hurting us both in the process,” Nathalie bit her lip and prayed to heavens that this wasn’t one of those moments. She hoped he wasn’t going to set another brilliant plan of his into pushing her away from him and hurting her. She hoped that he’d just stop resisting. She was terrified that this amazing moment would end up badly.

She knew him so well, didn’t she? She could tell what he was thinking. She could tell what he was planning to do, and he had said nothing. No expression on his face that could have given her signs of what he was planning to do. He had given her no trace, no evidence of what was going on inside his mind right now. He had said nothing. But he didn’t have to. She just knew him so well.

Erwin chuckled and looked away from her as well. His arms withdrawing from around her. “You’re a hard woman to fool,”

She laughed. “My darling, I am a Burgess,” She said proudly and a smirk spread across her lips. It just came with so much strength when she said that. And she was right. She was a member of the smartest family in the world. All pf the Burgesses were the founders of every scientific theorem in this world, and she made sure to let him know. Nobody could fool her.

He knew what that meant. I am a Burgess. I am better than you. And she was. She was right, she was better than him, better than anyone at everything, but he didn’t know whether he should be proud of her, or bitter about it.

He watched her as she got off the bed and stood up. She turned her back on him as she took off her gown. Her back, her waist, the back of her thighs. All bare to him and he watched her reflection on the mirror as she stood in front of it and wrapped her lacy bra around her delicious breasts. Her flat stomach, her chest, and her breasts that were restrained behind her bra – he couldn’t help staring at her reflection on the mirror – her back still facing him. She was playing a dangerous game getting dressed right in front of him whilst he lied on the bed, but he realised – he would’ve probably seen her like this if he had spent a morning beside her.

Usually, he’d be gone in the mornings, and this was the first time he stuck around, and he had no idea why he had done it. He had important stuff to do. He had paperwork to take care of, meetings to attend, orders to give. He had things to do. Then why the hell was he still there? Why the hell was he wasting his precious time by staring at her. He was staring like a fucking creep.

Of course, she had noticed. A small smirk spread on her lips, and she turned and looked at him whilst she buttoned up her shirt. She had put on a black skirt and now she was buttoning up another black shirt. She had been wearing black lately – it made sense. It had only been a week since her parents died.

“Let’s make a deal,” Nathalie said. Bright blue eyes met his own. She had thought long and hard about this. There was no way he could refuse. “You let me love you and take care of you and be there for you because I believe it would be to your greatest advantage that you sleep a sufficient number of hours per day, and in return, I will help in your plans. I will hand you over all the information you need. I will make a vaccine that’s going to save the Eldian race, but most importantly… I will be here for you,” She approached him and sat beside him by edge of the bed. “I will be your little plaything you’ll take out your frustrations on in the nights, in the mornings, in the evenings. Whenever you want,”

Nathalie let out a yelp when he wrapped his arms around her and he knocked her back on the mattress. He climbed on top of her and pinned both her arms at the level of her head on the mattress around her. It was cute of her trying to take the lead even for a second. But he wasn’t going to allow it. Not when she was being such a fucking tease. I’ll be your little plaything you’ll take out your frustrations on in the nights, in the mornings, in the evenings. Whenever you want. It was turning her on, wasn’t it? Being treated like this. Being his doll. His little slut. She was giving herself to him so openhandedly.

Even though, her deal made perfect sense. It was to his advantage to keep her around. It was to his advantage to use her brilliant mind for his plans, his strategies. To let her drag him to sleep in the nights and let her take care of him. She was already doing his laundry, and ironing his clothes, and cleaning up his quarters, and he didn’t even have to ask. He didn’t even have to say a word. She did this all because she wanted to. He knew what she was trying to achieve with that deal – a spot on his bed. A role in his life – an important one. His pretty little girl.

“If that’s your deal… then you shouldn’t have gotten dressed,” He spoke huskily against her lips and her cheeks grew a bright red right away, but he had no time for her embarrassment. No, he didn’t have time to undress her either.

Erwin’s fingers snuck beneath her skirt, bringing it up to her thighs and he settled himself between her legs. His clothed hard cock met her crotch, and she bit her lip. She wrapped her legs around his waist, and she cupped his face. Nathalie reached up to kiss him, but he pulled back. He took her free hand and pinned it back down on the mattress.

She had no idea how easy she was making it for him. He didn’t have to tell her he loved her. He had no reason to tell her he needed her. No, it was she the one who needed him. She might have been a Burgess. She might have been more intelligent and better than him in absolutely everything, but it was she the one beneath him right now. Nathalie had one weakness and that was himself. He should have used that a long time ago, but he’d never allow himself to manipulate her like that.

But if she asked for it? What was he supposed to do if she wanted to be manipulated and used and degraded and tossed around by him?

He was going to give her exactly what she wanted, and it wasn’t affection. No, she didn’t long for affection – or at least, he told himself that she didn’t. Maybe the fact that she was trying to kiss him and release her hands from his tight hold was enough proof that she wanted affection – but no, he had to convince himself otherwise.

“I don’t plan to love you, Nathalie,” He spoke against her lips as she tried to free her hands from his hold and touch him. But he wasn’t going to allow her to touch him. He wasn’t going to wrap his arms around her and take her slow and intimate and kiss her sweet and tender. He wasn’t planning to kiss her nor hold her, nor hug her. “I’m going to fuck you and you’ll know that I accepted your deal,”

She swallowed thickly and waited for him to do whatever he wanted to her. God, what the hell had she gotten herself into? He was going to ruin her, and she was going to love every second of it because she had asked for it. Yes, she had asked for it. His pretty little girl.

This was all probably one terrible idea, but her worries escaped her when he buried his face in her neck and began kissing and licking and biting. She threw her head back to give him all the space she could. He littered her white pretty skin in his marks and she gasped and shivered and trembled with each and every one of them. He unbuttoned her shirt – even though he wanted to rip it apart, but she’d have to fix it and that would steal time from her precious research.

He pushed it down her shoulders and she helped him strip her till the only things she was wearing were her undergarments. Her black, lacy bra and her knickers. He was going to fuck her in them. He buried his face in her chest, meeting her cleavage with his lips, his teeth. He pulled out a nipple and pulled it in his mouth, suckling hard on it till it was swollen and she was squirming. He couldn’t help worshipping her body, even though he knew he shouldn’t. He should be fucking her hard by now whether she could handle it or not. He didn’t care. Or maybe he did. He cared so much, but that was no time to think about it.

Now, he had to ignore and bury deep down his feelings. He couldn’t believe he had almost grasped the chance to tell her he loved her. No. She was nothing to him. He pulled back right away pulling his hard cock out of his pants and pushing aside the soft fabric of her knickers. He pressed the fat tip on her small opening and she attempted to close her legs around him and stop him.

“E- Erwin, I-” Nathalie let out a scream when he pushed all the way in.

The stretch was painful enough to trigger tears to prickle at the corner of her eyes. Her whole body arched and tensed, and her legs closed around him and she didn’t know whether she loved this, or whether she wanted him to stop. It hurt. Oh God, what the hell had she gotten herself into? He didn’t care whether he hurt her or not. Who the hell was she kidding trying to resist? She was wetter than she had ever been in her entire life. She was more than ready to take him, she just hadn’t been with a man ever since the last time she had been with him and that was five full years ago.

And he could tell. He could really tell because she was squeezing him so damn hard, he had to grit his teeth and pray no sounds made it out of his lips. He grabbed his hips and wrapped them around his waist, his thick thighs. He pulled her so easily closer to him. His thumb found her swollen clit, rubbing it, grazing it with his rough thumb and she let out a soft sob. She was so beautiful right there. All messy and crying over his cock.

Yes, that was all that he should be feeling. She was his little fuckdoll. She was nothing more. She wanted this.

Erwin pulled all the way out and thrust back in, and he did it again, and again. He tried to give her a few slow strokes, but he couldn’t help it. She was so warm and wet and tight. She felt so good around him. He was fucking her hard and rough before she knew it. She had no idea how she would be able to walk today. But it felt so good. How he split her in two. How he manhandled her like this. So easy for him to grab her and shove her closer and fuck his cock into her.

And even though he was deprived and frustrated, and she was squeezing him so nice and warm, he still handled it longer than he thought he would. He made her cum with a particular rough thrust – cock hitting her cervix and his thumb pressing so hard down on her abused clit. She cried out his name and shut her eyes and arched against the bed. Her hand reached for his own that were digging bruises on her hips as he slammed in and out of her at an insane pace. She wanted to touch him. She wanted him to hold her. But he wasn’t going to do it, was he?

“P- Please, ‘win, can’t cum again, give me a second, please…” She wept. His pathetic little baby. But he didn’t let up. He didn’t care about her. He just had to convince himself. His pleasure was all that mattered.

But maybe all of this was just so, so wrong. It felt wrong even though he deemed it right. It wasn’t right to use her. It wasn’t right to fuck her like an animal and abandon her the moment it’d be over. He wanted to lean down to her and kiss her. He wanted to hold her. He wanted so many things.

Fuck. Erwin plunged deep into her and stopped his movements. He leaned down to her and wrapped his arms around her and his lips met her own almost urgently. Nathalie wrapped her arms around his shoulders and her fingers found his hair, stroking gently beneath the golden, sweaty locks. She kissed him back sweetly and she felt his arms sneaking between her back and the mattress. His thumb found her tear-stained cheeks and wiped away whatever remained.

Erwin leaned down and pulled her on top of him to straddle him and sit down on his cock. Nathalie pulled from the kiss to pant against his wet lips. Warm fingers found her hips, her thighs as he held her in place. One hand reached up for her hair, grasping them tight as he snapped her head up to look at him at the sudden movement. She let out a gasp from the sting in her scalp and she finally looked up at him. Even though she was on top of him, she could still tell he was the one in control. He was the one to tell her what to do and she’d do it without question.

“Be a good girl and ride daddy’s cock,” He let go of her hair and grabbed her hips. He watched her as she pushed her hands against his chest to pull herself back on her knees. A bright blush spread across her cheeks.

“I- I- I haven’t done this before,” She admitted. Even when she was with Levi, they had only tried one position together. He’d never let her do anything and he’d worship her body instead whilst she’d lie down.

And Erwin was more than delighted to know that he was the first man to teach his sweet little girl how to ride a cock. He was going to corrupt her so well. He was going to ruin her until no one else wanted her.

“It’s alright, baby,” He cooed to her. Large palms cupped her ass cheeks and he moved her gently up and down his cock in slow strokes. She let out a small whimper and pressed her palms down on his chest for leverage and tried to match his movements. “Just like that,” He praised. “Good girl. Such a good girl,”

She looked absolutely gorgeous right there, trying so hard to please him and ride his cock thoroughly. Her walls fluttered around him so deliciously tight and her breasts bounced with every move she made. Her sounds were the hottest thing he’d ever heard in his life. Her clit rubbed against his pelvic bone with every thrust and it was driving her insane. His cock nudged against her g-spot over and over and his hands found her waist, her breasts, pulling them out of her bra and flicking her breasts, pinching her nipples hard enough to make her hiss.

“Daddy…” She panted hard. “…I’m gonna cum,” She whimpered leaning down to him and his hand reached up. Thick long fingers wrapped around her throat threatening to choke her. He said nothing. She couldn’t cum without his permission. What was he going to do to her if she did? But the coil tightened inside her stomach and threatened to snap. “Please! Daddy, I’m gonna cum, I’m gonna cum, please, let me cum,” She sobbed pathetically. His sweet baby.

“Aw, can’t handle daddy’s cock? Hmm? Tell me how good I make you feel,” He caught her hair dragging her head atop his own.

“So good… s’ good, daddy, you make me feel s’ good, now please, let me cum,”

“Go on, baby,”

Erwin wrapped his arms around her and brought her to land back down to his chest. She let out a cry when he bent his knees and started thrusting into her hard and fast. She came hard, burying her face in his neck. Nails digging on his chest as he fucked her through her orgasm and worked her through another one. He held her tight as she clenched hard around him, and he gave in.

He came deep inside of her, fucking his cum into her, and he stopped after a few more thrusts, taking his time to catch his breath. He found himself holding her tight. His hand reached for her hair, pushing a few strands away from her face. She pulled from his chest to look down at him. Bright blue eyes met his own as she pressed her forehead against his own. Her hand reached for his cheek, tracing his skin, his jawline with her soft fingers and he closed his eyes to the touch.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. He wasn’t supposed to hold her after the fuck and he wasn’t supposed to still be there. He had things to do. He didn’t have time for her. But it just felt so good. Her fingers were so tender. Her body was warm and soft atop his own. He kissed her. He couldn’t help it. He kissed her slow and sweet and soft. His thumb found her cheek, running gently across the tender flesh. His sweet girl. She was his. All his.

But he pulled back. He had to take a shower. He had to get dressed. He had things to do. He settled her on the bed beside him before he got off the bed and she watched him.

“Pass by my office after breakfast. There’s something we need to discuss,” Erwin said, and she nodded.

“Alright,”

༻◊۞◊༺

She was sore. She couldn’t deny it. Walking was a challenge after such a morning. Hange didn’t miss the chance to comment on how Nathalie limped only to receive a glare from Nathalie and a bright pink colour dusting her cheeks. Nathalie tried her best to evade Hange’s questions and she just finished breakfast a little quicker than usual.

Pass by my office after breakfast. There’s something we need to discuss. Nathalie sighed heavily as she made her way back to Erwin’s office. She couldn’t imagine what it was that he wanted to talk about. There wasn’t really anything that they could discuss except from something work related. Maybe he wanted to go over the 57^th Expedition outline once again. It was still a month away, but that particular Expedition stressed him far more than any other and she wouldn’t blame him. The Expedition was either going to bring success or was going to wind up to a bloody massacre. They would be dragging out the newly graduated recruits as well.

She couldn’t imagine the burdens he had on his shoulders. The results of this Expedition would determine whether they would keep Eren or not. She was worried. Of course, she was. Eren was like the son she never thought she’d have. And then it was Armin and Mikasa who were going to be in that Expedition as well because those kids were insane enough to join the Survey Corps. Nathalie had thought about putting some effort into convincing them otherwise – but she knew her efforts would bear no results. Those kids were stubborn.

But she was proud of them.

Nathalie walked into Erwin’s office finding a few officers there talking with Erwin and handing him papers for him to sign. The officers saluted her right away. “Section Commander!”

“At ease,” Nathalie nodded at them, and she approached Erwin, standing across him, in front of his desk. “Sir?”

Erwin turned at the other two officers and he nodded at them. “Leave us,”

“Sir!”

The other two officers left right away, and Erwin’s hand reached for the drawers of his desk. He pulled out a bottle full of white pills and placed it on the desk in front of her. Nathalie bit her lip and her fists clenched. She knew exactly what that was. She didn’t know whether she should feel relief or anger. Contraceptive pills. Of course. Was that why he wasn’t being careful this morning? He had planned this all along, hadn’t he? Because she knew for a fact that those pills were only available in the black market of the Underground – right beneath Mitras and they were all sold to the high-ranking officers of the military and the government officials who would fuck their mistresses and didn’t want to risk having bastard sons and daughters around.

Was she one of those mistresses? Wasn’t it degrading her the very gesture of handing her those pills? It was. It really was because unlike those women who were getting paid to do this, she had more value than being his partner on the bed. The only reason that she had chosen to do this – to let him treat her like this, was because she just wanted to be close to him. She just wanted to be by his side and that was the only way he’d let her. But of course, he couldn’t see that. He’d never see it no matter how smart he was. He was the most brilliant strategist, but when it came to her and him and whatever the hell they had between them, he was blind. Nathalie knew what she had gotten herself into when she made that deal. She just wanted to be close to him and that was the price.

“I assume you know what that is?” Erwin said.

“Unfortunately,” Nathalie took the bottle and she turned to leave. “If there’s nothing else,”

“Dismissed,”

She turned to leave. An unreadable expression on her face. He couldn’t tell whether she was pissed or just being cold on purpose. Erwin sighed. He hoped that one day the time would come when she wouldn’t have to take those pills and he’d allow himself to love her like he wanted to. But he knew that time would never come. So, he had to focus on now. He had to focus on silencing that part of him that wanted to love her, and just focus on the things that actually mattered. His plans. The paperwork spread in front of him.

God, it had taken her so much effort to fix her period without the need of any contraceptives. Yes, it had been a few difficult years of trying to deal with that, but if she got any pills now, how much would that affect her? Nathalie sighed and just took it. Fuck this.

“Nathalie! Come quick! The test subjects!” Nathalie turned at Moblit who looked stressed and was breathing hard. She was at the kitchen. A glass of water in her hands. “Somebody murdered them,”

Nathalie’s eyes widened. She tucked the pills in her brown leather bag that hung by her shoulder, and she hurried out of the kitchen, following him to the main yard. This was proof that they had spies among their ranks, and those spies didn’t want them to find out anything about titans. Her assumptions were correct, and she was certain Erwin was going to make some elaborate changes in his outline for the 57^th Expedition.

Hange was on her knees screaming and mourning like a maniac. Nathalie rushed to her side and tried to make her feel better, letting her know that they could get other test subjects – but Hange wasn’t having it. Nathalie turned and gave a look at Moblit who knew exactly what he had to do. He was the only one who could handle Hange right now.

Nathalie sighed heavily and she spotted Eren in the crowd. She stepped beside him, and he gave her a confused look. “Who could have done this?” Eren asked confusedly and Nathalie shrugged even though she knew the answer.

“I don’t know,” Nathalie said. “But we’ll find out soon enough, darling,”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap

 

Her reflection was staring at her. Nathalie moved her hand in front of the mirror, and it still didn’t match her reflection. No, there was something wrong. Very wrong.

Chapter 39: Shadow

Notes:

honestly when i wrote this chapter like a month ago, I was planning to delete it because the plottwist here changes the entire genre of the story but next thing I knew I was writing 4k words that I just couldn't delete 😅

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Mention of the Mental Disorders Schizophrenia, Dissociative Identity Disorder and their symptoms & Horror elements. This is where the story goes dark. If you wish to stop reading, now it would be a good time. I don't mind losing readers over this, I'm writing this fic for solely myself.

Now, "what the hell is Schizophrenia? What the hell are you planning to do, Sandy?" When I wrote this chapter I had no idea where I was going with this but, now I know exactly what to do.

Schizophrenia - among other things - is seeing things that aren't real and believing they are.

Dissociative Identity Disorder is having more than one, different, distinct personalities. This also occurred in BHSL.

I am not an expert but I am discussing this with an expert and I have started reading lots of books on psychiatry. Even though it's not really my field of science, I find it exceptionally interesting.

My Schizophrenic!OC playlist where you'll find all the awesome songs that inspired this!

For those who are still with me, enjoyyy!!!!

When Demons Come to Life - Halocene & Lauren Babic (Spotify Link)

The voices want to end me
With words just like a blade
Cutting pieces from me
Till nothing remains, till I go insane

Eyes in the mirror that cannot be mine
Begging this stranger, “get out of my mind”
Fear overcomes me when I realize
It’s only me

I keep on screaming help
I cannot breathe
Someone save me from this hell
Trapped in this fight
All I can find is myself
Alone in my mind demons come to light
And over time demons come to life

I am not well
I wish I was happy
The world can’t help
Cause this storm’s inside me

Still I try, I’m trying to change
But there’s something broken, fucked up in my brain
Partum my demons
There’s no reason
Part of me wants to be stuck in this dream and
I can’t save me
Who will save you
I can't save me
Who will save you
I can't

Another long day had gone by. The 57^th Expedition was in two days. The HQ had been hectic, and the training was at its peak. But now it was afternoon, and Nathalie finished brewing tea. She added a slice of her cake on the tray, and she took it upstairs at the now silent HQ. Night had arrived and most of the staff were resting. Nathalie had wanted to rest too but science just couldn’t wait. She took the tray to Erwin’s office. She knew he was just so busy at this hour, but she had started walking into his office without knocking on his door and it didn’t seem to bother him too much.

Nathalie stepped foot in his office, and she parted her lips to say something, but he cut her. “Not now, Nathalie, I’m busy. You can pass by again in thirty minutes,”

Nathalie bit her tongue. Not now. I’m busy. He didn’t even spare a look at her. But what did he think she was there for? She wasn’t there to fuck. She wasn’t there to offer her services to him to fuck his stress out on her. She was just there to offer him some tea and a slice of her cake because she knew he hadn’t even had lunch and she had failed to save some for him. And she was there to make up for it, but this just wasn’t necessary at all.

She just wanted to check up on him. To take care of him.

“I just… I just made you some tea,” Nathalie stuttered. She placed the tea on his desk and a dish with a fat slice of fluffy cake and she turned around to leave with the tray in her hands like some servant.

God, why was she doing this to herself? Why was she still there for this man? This infuriatingly blind man? She walked out of the room, and he still didn’t say a word. She didn’t want him to thank her. She wanted him to recognise that he was hurting her with every word that slipped out of his mouth.

As smart as he was, he couldn’t do that.

She made her way back to the lab. The empty lab where she had dozens of her notebooks and bloodstained handkerchiefs scattered all over the counter. She was planning to sit down and work. She wanted to sink into her work. And she did just that. She always sank right into her sweet science because it was the only consolation that she had. Her science didn’t hurt her. Her research didn’t hurt her. It killed her slowly and tortuously, but at least she could handle every cough, ever headache, every drop of her blood and tissue that spat out and stained her fingers her handkerchiefs, her clothes, her notebooks.

She couldn’t tell how long she stood there just writing down, getting all the knowledge she could. It must have been past midnight by now. Maybe later than that. She just knew she slipped into the sweet unconsciousness after a while.

“Tsk,”

He should expect nothing less. He knew he should stop those stupid urges to check up on her in the middle of the night, but he just couldn’t. He couldn’t stop himself from wanting to make sure that she was alright. And of course, she wasn’t. Erwin was supposed to be there to take her to bed. But Erwin had no time for her. If he had no time for this, why lay claim on her? Erwin knew he couldn’t handle both a relationship and his job, then why take her from him? Erwin was such a selfish bastard.

Levi frowned. She was a mess. He picked her up and she was as easy to pick up as ever. Had she lost more weight? Possibly. He hadn’t held her like this in such a long time. She was sleeping soundly. He had to take her to bed. Levi didn’t stop himself from looking down at her, even for a small moment. Even with bloody nostrils and tired eyes and messy hair, and bloody lips – she was as beautiful as ever. She buried her face in his black jacket, shifting closer to him even in her sleep. Of course, she recognised him even in her sleep. The beautiful woman that used to be his.

This was all so wrong. Levi shouldn’t be staring down at her. He should just get her to bed and leave. It was so wrong. She wasn’t his and he wasn’t hers anymore. Levi forced his attention away from her and he walked out of the labs making his way to her quarters. He felt a hand on his shoulder stopping him and he turned to see Erwin. He looked tired and Levi wouldn’t blame him, but he was still angry.

“Levi… what are you-”

“Doing what you’re supposed to be doing,” Levi frowned. Argent eyes met Erwin’s. A glare from his rival. “If you can’t take care of her, give her back to me,”

Erwin sighed heavily and parted his lips to speak but Levi didn’t give him a chance. He was all the way down the hall and into her room before he knew it. Erwin ran a hand through his aching forehead. He was so done. He was so done with a relationship that was breaking all over and he was so done with dealing with it whilst carrying the world on his shoulders. He had no time for this. He had no time for any of this. He just wanted to be left alone in his misery because he couldn’t do this. He couldn’t do a relationship.

But was this even a relationship? No. It wasn’t. Of course, it wasn’t. It wasn’t like he had told her he loved her. It wasn’t like he was returning her feelings. He didn’t return the feeling. He didn’t show her he loved her – not even a bit. She was there because she wanted to. She didn’t ask for him to be there in her deal. She only said she would be there for him and she hadn’t asked for him to do the same, so he had no obligation to help her deal with her disease. He had no obligation to look after her. It wasn’t in her terms.

So, Erwin had done nothing wrong. They didn’t have a relationship. They had a deal. And at first, he questioned himself, did she really want this? Was she really okay with this? Her deal was absurd. She gave and gave and gave him stuff and asked for nothing. He knew just how lovable she was. Just how sweet and willing to she was to give him everything. Anything for him. Anything for the people she loved.

She loved him even though he gave nothing in return.

And it hurt knowing that it was true.

Levi placed her gently down on the soft mattress of her bed. He took off her short boots and he covered her beneath the warm blanket that had been resting by the end of the bed. He took off her glasses, resting them by her wooden nightstand. The bright moonlight entered through her window and gave light on her pale skin, her face, her neck, her chest. She was ravishing. He had almost forgotten how she looked like beneath the moonlight.

“Levi…” She mumbled. Head, leaning on his hand that was absentmindedly stroking her cheek in gentle movements.

“Sleep, Nat,” Levi pulled his hand away and he turned around to leave but cold fingers caught his own, and his heart skipped a beat. No, he couldn’t stay, and he didn’t want to tell her why, but maybe she’d figure it out. She was brilliant. Of course, she’d figure it out. But her fingers were cold and trembling. He sat beside her at the edge of the bed, and he trapped her arm between his hands to warm it up. “I can’t stay, Nat,” He said, looking away from her, even though her bright blue eyes were searching for his own.

Why? Why was he avoiding her eyes so much? What was he hiding? Why couldn’t he stay? It couldn’t be the paperwork. It couldn’t be that he was tired. Levi never slept. Levi would only sleep beside her back when they were together, and after they stopped being together, he stopped using his bed entirely. If he was tired, he’d stay. So, why couldn’t he stay?

And then, the idea struck her, and she bit her lip. She pulled her hand away from his own immediately and she stared up at the ceiling. He was with Petra, wasn’t he? Tears gathered in her eyes and threatened to slip on her pillow but no, she wouldn’t allow that. She shouldn’t be sad. She should’ve been happy for him. She should congratulate him and smile at him and tease him about it like a normal friend would do. But she couldn’t bring herself to do any of this, and what did she expect? She was the one who had left Levi in the first place. She was the one who had chosen to be Erwin’s – whatever it was that she was to him. She had nobody to blame but herself. Levi just sought out something better for himself and of course, Petra was better than her. Of course, she was.

“I’m happy for you,” Nathalie gave him a smile and he hesitated to look at it. He knew it was a fake one. He could tell. He could hear it in her voice. “You should go back to her,”

“Nat, I-”

“It’s fine,” Nathalie brought her hand back on top of his own and she finally earned his attention. She gave him a soft smile and her hand found his cheek. Her tender thumb ran across his skin, and he just had to close his eyes and revel in it. There was no saying how much he had missed her touch. “I’m so happy for you, my darling Levi,” she said even though she was mere seconds away from crying like a fucking hysteric.

Nathalie let go of his cheek and he opened his eyes only to see her shift to the side and turning her back on him. She wanted to hide her face, didn’t she? She wanted to hide from him because she couldn’t keep the tears back anymore. Nathalie wrapped her arms around her and buried her face in her pillow. She shouldn’t even be crying. She had brought this upon herself. Why am I like this? She should’ve been happy for him. It was so, so fucking selfish of her to want Levi’s love while she was seeking the love of some other man.

It was terrible of her. She was terrible.

“Thank you for… looking after me,” Nathalie said, shutting her eyes as she felt him stand off her bed and his footsteps echoed as he reached for the door.

“Tsk, don’t thank me…” Levi’s hand reached for her doorknob, and he frowned. He didn’t want to leave and let her cry on her own. It hurt. It really did but he had someone else for him now. He wasn’t going to be chasing forever a woman who didn’t want him. “…you brat,” He added hoping it would cheer her up a bit and it did. She choked out a chuckle before she heard him walk out and close the door.

Nathalie buried her face further into her pillow and shut her eyes tight, pushing the tears down her cheeks. Perfect. Just perfect. Stop crying. It was pointless. Nathalie stood off the bed and she headed for her bathroom. She grabbed one of her handkerchiefs that she had left there, and she dampened the cloth wiping the blood from her nostrils, her fingers, her lips. Nathalie stared at her reflection on the mirror, and she noticed there was something not right about it. She was wiping the blood off her nostrils, but she couldn’t see that in the mirror.

Her reflection was staring at her. Nathalie moved her hand in front of the mirror, and it still didn’t match her reflection. No, there was something wrong. Very wrong.

“What the hell are you doing?”

Nathalie turned her head searching for the source of the voice. She looked all around the bathroom and then at her bedroom that was adjacent to it. She walked further out in her office, but there was no one there. Just darkness. Then who the hell had talked to her? Nathalie had no idea. Was she going insane? She was alone.

“Pitiful little Nathalie,”

Nathalie looked back at the mirror in front of her and she let out a gasp and took a step back. Her reflection was still staring at her. Nathalie took another step away till her back met the wall and she flinched. She was breathing hard now. There was something so very wrong. She was seeing things. She was hearing things. None of it was real.

“Scared?” The woman on the mirror smirked.

Nathalie shut her eyes and turned her face away. She shook her head. “You’re not real. You’re just in my head,”

“Oh yeah, I am,”

Nathalie snapped her eyes back open, and she looked back at the mirror, and everything looked normal. She saw herself in the mirror. Her reflection was finally matching movements. Nathalie bit her lip and approached it to make sure. It seemed normal for now.

When the idea struck her, Nathalie rushed back into her office and into that bookcase that stood behind her desk. She lit up an oil lamp to bring some light within her office. She searched hastily through all the books that she had there till she found the one she had been looking for. Psychiatry. She couldn’t believe it, but she had to find out. She fumbled through the pages of the huge book until she found the term that matched her condition.

Schizophrenia.

Nathalie snapped the book closed. No. It wasn’t true. It couldn’t be. But this wasn’t the first time she was seeing and hearing things. If there was a chance that she was schizophrenic, then there was no way she was letting this get in the way of… of everything. Her job, her research, her friendships. Unless it got too serious. But how could this happen? Maybe it was her research. Maybe after all those hours of spitting brain tissue and bleeding on the lab bench and passing out from the blood loss – maybe that was the cause of it. She should expect nothing less.

Nathalie sat down on her chair. She needed to sit down. How was she supposed to just stop recalling memories when it all came to her? How was she supposed to sit back and try and ignore them? She could not control the knowledge that came to her, so what was she supposed to do? Let it come and then what? Go insane?

She was going to go insane, wasn’t she? She wrapped her arms against her chest and tried to think for a solution. That all-wound-healing serum that she had had in mind was a potential solution. She could use it to repair all the damage that she had caused her brain so far. She knew it would work, but when was it going to come the day that she’d access those underground labs beneath the palace?

For all she knew that day would never come. Nathalie sighed heavily and closed her eyes. She rubbed her forehead tiredly. All she could do was ignore it for now. All she could do is never look at the mirror again and never spend any more time on her own in her room, in her office. Never stay alone in one place. She couldn’t do this. It only made sense that her injured mind would strike back one day.

“You think it’s going to work?”

The voice came back. It was her own voice. It was herself. Nathalie shut her eyes a little tighter and she stood up to place the book back in the bookcase behind her desk where it had previously been.

“Ignoring me doesn’t mean I’m not here,”

You’re not here. You’re not here. You’re not here. Nathalie repeated that in her mind a few more times. She fisted her fingers to stop the shaky movement of her hands.

Somebody grabbed her and knocked her back against the bookcase. Nathalie let out a yelp as her back crashed hard against the shelves and a few books fell off, but all she could stare at were the red eyes of the woman who had knocked her against the wall. She still looked like her, but the eyes were a bright red and terrifying and her hair were long and black. The woman was terrifying. But it was more terrifying to know that this was all in her mind. Nathalie shut her eyes and tried to shake her hands off the grip of the terrifying woman. This wasn’t real. None of this was happening.

“Look at me!” The creature hissed as she knocked Nathalie once more against the bookcase and all Nathalie could do was obey. This wasn’t real. This isn’t real. She’s not real. She’s not real. She’s not real. “Oh yes, I am you, darling,”

“I’m nothing like you,” Nathalie squirmed.

“Oh, but you are. Everybody’s got a shadow, Nathalie. I am yours and now you’ve set me free. You’ve no idea of the evil you’re capable of, do you?”

What the hell was she talking about? I’m your shadow. Did that mean that woman pinning her on the bookcase right now was her split personality? What was happening to her? Was this all in her mind? Then why were her wrists hurting from that woman’s tight grip? Why was her back aching against the bookshelves? It felt so real, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t.

Nathalie had to stop panting. She had to stop her heart from beating too fast in terror because simply there was nothing to fear. This was all in her head. She had no one in this room right now. She was alone. There was nothing threatening her.

The only threat right now was her mind.

Nathalie managed to steady her breathing. She calmed down and she looked the woman in the eye. “You’re not real,”

It only took a blink of an eye, and she was gone. Nathalie pulled away from the bookcase and she ran her eyes all around the room in search for her shadow. Nothing. She was alone in that room. She was all alone. Nathalie let out a sigh of relief. That was it. She just had to convince herself that she was alright. That she could fight this too.

Nobody was threatening her. Nobody was there. She was alone. I am alone. I am okay. Nathalie made her way back to her room. She had to change. She had to sleep. Nobody was gripping tightly around her wrists.

If that was true, then why were her wrists bruised? A tiny little detail that she did not notice.

Notes:

Thank you so much for reading and sticking with this story! Lemme know what you think in the comments below! I will be suggesting the same song over and over cause I just love it and it helps me write Schizophrenic!Nat. And yes, different font. Shit just got real AHAHAHAHA thank you so much again!

My Schizophrenic!OC playlist where you'll find all the awesome songs that inspired this!

Sneak Peek on the Next Chapter

“You’re not catching feelings on me right now, are you?”

Erwin arched an eyebrow. “I thought you were the one catching feelings,”

“Feelings come and go, darling,” Nathalie snickered, leaning closer, latching her teeth on his earlobe eliciting a shiver to run down his spine. “Isn’t that what you wanted? You didn’t want a relationship. You wanted a deal. There’s no relationship between us, Erwin. There will never be,”

Chapter 40: Metamorphosis 🟥

Notes:

WANNA THANK THE PPL who are still reading and most importantly, that one wonderful person who's commenting 🥺🥺🥺🥰🥰🥰🥰

Also I just finished drawing Nat and Erwin and their delicious size difference

Lemme know what you think!
plssss enjoyyyyyyy

SHE - Winona Oak (Spotify Link)

She's coming for you, coming for me
She's nothing but trouble
She's walking like me, talking like me
She's my body double
I'm unna, I'm unna, I'm unna, I'm unna, I'm unna
Embrace thе babel
Coming for you, coming for me
She's nothing but troublе

She's talking to spiders
Feeding her snakes
I'm like a soulmate but I feel the taint
There's something about her
Eyes like the rain, promise of heaven

Back up on my throne, drowning in diamonds and rings
She's wearing the crown of a king
I should have known
Dreams are a dangerous thing
And money is everything, everything
Everything

There was a strict order from Erwin for everybody to rest before the Expedition that was only a day away. So, the training grounds were empty, the training room and the punching bags abandoned. All the rookies were either meeting up with their parents, their families and the squad leaders were either drinking themselves to oblivion. Nathalie just couldn’t rest. She finished a large pile of paperwork first thing in the morning, and then, she spent five hours in the lab on her own ignoring the figure that was staring at her the entire time. It was in her mind. She ignored it. Nathalie was so, so good at ignoring her problems. Especially ones that she couldn’t solve.

And now she was in the training room, punching the shit out of a poor punching bag that hung from the ceiling. She hadn’t seen Erwin today, neither Levi, nor Hange, nor Moblit. Nathalie had been very content to be absent today all day. She had no meetings and no duties that she was required to attend to, so why not? Nathalie wanted to be alone no matter how much of a bad idea it was to be alone. It was a terrible idea. Terrible. Just terrible because she had those voices in her mind and her shadow was there to threaten her and drive her insane and Nathalie cursed that one thing that she deemed decent on herself – her mind.

She cursed her defective mind.

There must be a way. There must have been. She was a Burgess. Burgesses shouldn’t be so easy into twisting towards insanity. There must have been a way to at least stop the voices. The voices in her mind. She never understood what they said. Whispers. That was all, but enough to keep her distracted from everything else.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck… she punctuated it with each punch, each kick, each powerful blow against that punching bag.

“Angry?”

“Very,”

“Good. Use it,”

“Shut up!” Nathalie landed a far more powerful punch on the punching bag sending it flying towards the other side of the room. Nathalie stared wide eyed and paused her work out for a moment. She couldn’t believe what she had just done. She had just punched a 50 kgs/110 pounds punching bag off the ceiling and towards the other side of the room. She shouldn’t be capable of such strength. She shouldn’t be capable of doing this. This was… wrong. Wrong and it made no sense.

Nathalie took a step back and she searched for her shadow. She was alone. Angry? Use it. Was it because of her anger? That shouldn’t explain why and how she had just done that. She was roughly 45 kgs/99 pounds and shorter than anyone in the entire HQ. There was no way this had happened. Maybe it was happening inside her mind. Maybe it was one of her hallucinations.

“How did you do that?”

Nathalie flinched at the sound of a real person’s voice, and she turned to see Erwin. She took a step away from him and ignored that look of surprise on his face. He had been looking for her. He didn’t know why she hadn’t showed up in his office today. She hadn’t brough him tea like she usually would. She hadn’t delivered the paperwork that she had finished. He didn’t see her in the Mess Hall in the morning nor for dinner. Hange hadn’t seen her either. She hadn’t missed the chance to let him know that Nathalie had avoided everyone and everything today, and now, he found her knocking down a punching bag that probably weighed twice her weight.

Her eyes drifted to the space behind him. Erwin arched an eyebrow. Her fingers were trembling, and she parted her lips to say something, but she wasn’t looking at him. Whatever she wanted to say, she was going to say it to the person standing behind him. Erwin turned to look but he saw no one. But he could have sworn, he thought there was someone there with her because he had heard her talking to someone. He couldn’t be wrong about this. But there was no one there. Just her and himself. What was wrong with her?

“I- I… yeah, I… I- I- I don’t know,” Nathalie stuttered as she made her way towards the punching bag to grab it and drag it back at least close to where it was usually hanging from.

Erwin arched an eyebrow. Was she really about to drag a far heavier object all on her own? He sighed and he joined her. “Let me handle that-” But he lost his words when he watched her dragging it on her own without any struggle whatsoever. Heck, he knew he would struggle far more than she did. Everything about this moment right now was just so confusing. How did she do that?

“No, I got it, I got it,” Nathalie propped the punching bag on a nearby column and she looked at it. “Sorry about that, I should probably have somebody fix this after the Expedition,”

“It’s fine-”

“I mean the rope holding it up had started to wear off, so I guess that explains how it fell off… to the other side of the room…” The more Nathalie talked the more she realised it made no sense. There was no way she could fool Erwin, but he didn’t have to know about her condition. No one should learn about this.

“Right,” Erwin nodded even though he could tell that was just a poor explanation that she was trying to come up with. It didn’t really work, but she looked tired, so he wasn’t going to drag out the conversation anymore. “I was just checking up on you,”

“Erwin? Checking up on you? He definitely wants something. He doesn’t care about you. When did this man ever care about you?”

Nathalie for once agreed with that voice in her mind. “I’m fine, I’m absolutely terrific, I just had some…” She looked at the woman that was standing by the wall behind him and only she could see. She just shook her head at her and crossed her arms against her chest. “…stuff keeping me distracted,” She averted her attention back up at Erwin who looked deep in thought and almost… confused? “Anything I can help you with?”

“Oh, uh…” Erwin’s hand reached for his nape, rubbing nervously. He hadn’t really thought it through. He didn’t find himself needing anything more but… attention. It was ridiculous. It really was, but she had given him none for the past few days, and he couldn’t help but wonder whether there was something wrong. Had he done something wrong?

He really had. But of course, he hadn’t noticed, and of course she had forgotten all about yesterday, when she brought him tea and he thought she was just there to fuck. He hadn’t noticed it at all, had he? Well, it was alright. Nathalie had more important things to deal with right now. Her mental health for example that was collapsing. She couldn’t add Erwin to this. Whatever he wanted right now, she’d just give it to him and be done with it. And she knew exactly what he wanted.

“You want to fuck before a very stressful Expedition, I get it,” Nathalie sighed, and she turned and headed out of the room. “C’mon. My place, your place?”

“Uh… my place…”

She just… talked about it like she didn’t care about it at all. Like this was just a task. It wasn’t pleasure. It wasn’t something she looked forward to. It was just a task. She had made a deal. That was all. He was no longer her priority, wasn’t he? Who was her priority? Levi? He wouldn’t be surprised. After all, Levi at least showed a spec of emotion towards her whilst he showed nothing.

But this wasn’t the case at all. Relationships were no longer her priority. Those voices inside her mind were her priority. Her condition was her priority. Pretending that nothing was wrong with her and trying to keep it a secret from everyone else was her priority. She didn’t care about Erwin. It wasn’t like he ever returned the feelings that she had expressed to him from the bottom of her heart.

“That’s right. You don’t care,”

I don’t care.

“Just use him. He uses you, doesn’t he? There’s nothing wrong with doing the same. It’s fair,”

It’s fair.

“He doesn’t care about you,”

I don’t care about him.

“It’s fair,”

It’s fair. Nathalie did not question what she was thinking. Maybe under different circumstances she would have deemed everything she was thinking right now to be wrong and absurd. But it just made no sense for her to care. It’s fair.

The moment they stepped foot into his office, she turned and kissed him. Nathalie cupped his face between her hands, and she tugged him down to her, to bring his mouth against her own and for once, he followed her lead. Erwin wasn’t the man to follow his partner’s lead when it came to sex, but this time, she just really looked like she knew what she was doing. Nathalie urged him to sit down on the green couch that faced his desk and she straddled him.

His arms were around her body, trying to unbutton her shirt, searching for the zip of her skirt, and trying to unclothe her, but she didn’t seem to care about unclothing him. She didn’t even try to unbutton his shirt. Her mouth was on his neck, his face, the small portion of his chest that was exposed. She only reached down for his belt and unbuckled it fast enough. He couldn’t deny it. The heat between her legs was enough to make him hard, but she had never done this before. She would usually let him do whatever he wanted to her. She would usually beg him to take off his shirt because she needed to touch him. She needed physical contact.

But she didn’t seem like she cared about any of this right now. She didn’t care, did she? He didn’t mind. He had no problem with this new side of her. Less affectionate. Less needy. Keener into focusing on anything else but the affection she had for him. Was that affection even there anymore? She was less… less like Nathalie.

She pulled out his cock from his pants. He was already hard. Good. Nathalie pulled herself up before sinking down on his length in a deliciously painful stretch. She panted against his lips. Her hands reached for his shoulders to prop herself for some leverage. His lips reached for her own to kiss her, but she pulled back, and he only ended up staring at her confusedly. What the hell was wrong with her? Usually, she’d beg him to kiss her. But now she was pulling away from it. Their bodies joined, even though she was barely prepared, but it felt good. For the first time in her life, she was the one on top. Both still fully clothed and she didn’t care to unclothe him. She didn’t care to touch him.

Or at least she told herself as much.

Nathalie began moving, pulling him in and out of her, rolling her hips around his thick cock till she found the angle that worked for her the most. She gasped when he nudged against her sweet spot. She pressed her hands against his shoulders and began riding him starting slow and heading towards a faster pace. He groaned as he watched her. She threw her head back in bliss. Her lips parted into a silent cry. She was a fucking goddess right there, on his lap, riding his cock. Hair messy and pink lips parted. She licked her lips. Eyes closed as she clenched around him. He felt so good. She felt so good around him. She was so beautiful. So, fucking gorgeous.

Erwin wanted to taste her lips. Dammit, he wanted it more than any other time but maybe she wouldn’t let him. Fuck this. Erwin caught her hair and shoved her face to his own and reached up to kiss her, but she pulled back with a soft laugh. A smirk spread on her face that he had never before seen.

“Uh-huh,” She snickered breathlessly against his lips. “You’re not catching feelings on me right now, are you?”

Erwin arched an eyebrow. “I thought you were the one catching feelings,”

“Feelings come and go, darling,” She chuckled, leaning closer, latching her teeth on his earlobe eliciting a shiver to run down his spine. “Isn’t that what you wanted? You didn’t want a relationship. You wanted a deal. There’s no relationship between us, Erwin. There will never be,”

He didn’t know what he felt about this. There’s no relationship between us. There will never be. He didn’t know whether he felt hurt or relieved. Relieved that she was finally looking at things the way he did. She was finally following in his footsteps in this entire predicament between them. Finally. Finally, she could see. But he did not agree with the last part. There will never be. He never erased the possibility that one day he may allow himself to love her the way he wanted to, but she seemed to have erased it. She seemed to have zeroed that possibility no matter how small it was.

There will never be. He couldn’t understand why it stuck to him. He repeated her words in his mind over and over. Maybe she was right. It made more sense. Chances were they’d both die someday – maybe even tomorrow on the 57^th Expedition. Yes, this was for the best.

Erwin cupped her cheek only for him to stick his thumb inside her mouth. She let out a sweet moan as she sucked on his thumb with fervour and her thrusts on his cock quickened with urgency. She was about to cum. He could tell from the way she clenched around him. The mess of juices between their bodies.

“Good girl. My smart good girl,” Erwin looked up at her as she shut her eyes and her mouth parted in sweet moans and gasps. She was so close. So close. And he was too, and she could tell from the way he twitched inside of her. “You’re gonna be a good girl and cum around daddy’s cock?”

She chuckled and stopped her movements denying both his and her own orgasm. She pulled his thumb from her mouth, licking her saliva off the digit with her warm, wet tongue.

“I don’t plan to be your good girl, daddy,”

That’s it. She had that little smirk on her lips, that confidence on her face. She didn’t look weak to him. Not like she usually would when in a situation like this. She would have allowed him to fuck her to oblivion already and be done with it. Nathalie chuckled at the look on his face. He looked more confused than ever.

“Maybe I should leave you like this,” Nathalie pressed her hands down on his shoulders to pull him out and stand up and leave, but there was no way he was letting that happen.

Erwin wrapped his arms around her, and she was lying with her back on the couch before she knew it. Nathalie let out a laugh as she watched him so desperately pushing away the fabric of her skirt. He thrust back inside of her and she let out a filthy moan that almost made him cum on the spot. Erwin groaned and buried his face in her neck. No woman had ever denied him an orgasm. No woman had ever teased him like this. What was wrong with Nathalie? It suddenly felt like she was feeling nothing for him.

Or maybe she had just finally realised what was right.

He began thrusting into her, hard and fast till she was screaming. It felt good to snatch the control back from her. It felt to finally have her at his mercy, beneath him. His sweet girl. He pulled his face from her neck to look down at her as her whole body tensed. He dug his fingers in her hips, leaving bruises in their wake, but she didn’t seem to care one bit. He was fucking her so good. Hard and fast, the wet sounds of his thrusts and her muffled screams beneath the hand that she clamped around her lips.

It didn’t take too long before he was coming inside of her. She couldn’t help it. She came with him. His warmth filled her to the brim whilst she clenched around him hard enough to knock another groan out of him. He found himself burying his face in her neck. He drew in her sweet scent and he closed his eyes for a tiny little moment. Erwin didn’t really want to pull back. She would usually ran her fingers through his hair. She’d wrap her arms around his shoulders and hold him pressed against her body.

But no, this time, she wasn’t even holding him. Her legs unwrapped from around him and she tapped on his shoulder for him to pull back. He looked down at her with that same confused look, but Nathalie ignored it. He pulled out of her and tried to clean her up with the rag that he conveniently kept around for moments like this. Nathalie was on her feet before he knew it. She dusted her skirt back in place and tried to tuck her hair to at least look presentable.

“Well,” Nathalie turned her back on him and headed for the door. “I’ll be going now. Goodnight,”

Erwin parted his lips to say something only to be cut by the sound of her slamming the door closed. Is that how it felt? Fucking and then leaving the moment it was done. Was that the feeling that he had given her every time, every night, morning, moment, evening that he’d leave her?

If so, then she was right to do the same to him. It felt terrible. No one had ever done that to him before. Usually, it was him the one to leave a poor woman on his messy bed and just leave. But this time was different. This woman was different. She had given him the same treatment.

Isn’t that what you wanted?

Yes. That was exactly what he wanted, but he was used to her being sweet and kind and caring and gentle. But now she almost felt like a completely different person. It made sense for her to be like this. Isn’t that what you wanted? She was starting to give him what he wanted, not what he needed. What he needed didn’t matter.

Nathalie frowned deeply as she made her way down the corridor and towards her room. This time, she had no voices inside her mind. She had no nightmares. She had no shadow driving her insane. No, tonight felt normal. She had no terrifying red-eyed woman staring back at her in the mirror.

Not when she had become it.

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chapter:

Nathalie turned to see Petra about to be tossed away by the Female Titan. Nathalie jumped in just in time. She pushed Petra out of the way and took the hit herself.

Chapter 41: The 57th Expedition

Notes:

Did you notice the text is slightly bigger? That's me caring about your eyesight, it's totally not me messing up with the CSS code of the work skin AHAHAHA

WANNA THANK everyone who reads and especially the people who comment! 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

ENJOY!

PSYCHO - AViVA (Spotify Link)

 

You chain me up, still speculating
Never enough but soon, you'll see I'm unrestrainable
I'm uncontainable
Any moment, I'll have you begging
Don't turn your back
Oh, can't you see that I'm untamable?
I'm unmistakable

I'm hearing it all, I hear it in my head
Whispering, they're whispering again
Hearing it all, they see me as a threat
Pushing me, keep pushing to the edge

You keep calling me a psycho
Got it in my head, careful what you say
Think you might be right though
You made me a psycho, a psycho

Nathalie couldn’t remember the last time she had a good night’s rest. And it was even more surprising to wake up well rested and refreshed in the early morning of a day before one very deadly expedition. Nathalie – and usually everybody else who was still sane – never slept peacefully the night before an Expedition. But this time she did, and it was strange, but it was a pleasant surprise. The better she rested, the better she could fight today. It was strange to have a good mood right now. Countless of people were about to die.

Nathalie chuckled as she looked at herself in the mirror. She strapped her ODM on her body. Blue eyes flashed a bright red, but it was gone in a blink of an eye. She was content to ignore it. She dressed in black. Black skirt, black trousers, black leather belt and black leather boots. All black, which was odd. Nathalie loved brown and blue and white but after her parents died, she found that black suited her better than any other colour.

But it was ridiculous. It never really mattered to her what it was that she was wearing. Clothes and looks never mattered to her. It was a good thing that she was a Section Commander and the Vice-Captain of the first squad – Erwin’s squad. She wasn’t obligated to wear the colours of the military uniform. People were going to die today. Nobody has time to scrub the blood off of white shirts and trousers. Black covered everything.

“Somebody’s in a good mood, all things considered,” Nathalie grinned at Hange’s comment as the two of them settled down the same table in the Mess Hall. It was the table at the front – the one that the high-ranked scouts used to have their breakfast on.

“Of course, I’m in a good mood,” Nathalie took a bite from her apple. “We’re gonna be seeing titans today. Big, alive, sexy, precious test subjects,”

Hange squealed in excitement. “Can’t wait! If I could, I would drag them all in our lab!” Hange leaned close to Nathalie’s ear. “The human shifters I mean,”

Nathalie smirked. “I do believe they are the key to our thesis,”

“I think so too. Just imagine what those enzymes the titan spinal fluid can-”

“Jeez, can you two stop thirsting over titans?” Miche’s voice came as he and Moblit settled on the opposite side of the table with their breakfast. “It’s seriously weird,”

“You’re wasting your breath, Section Commander,” Moblit rolled his eyes.

“You just don’t see the appeal,” Hange frowned.

“He’s missing the brains, it’s fine,” Nathalie teased.

“Oh, shut up and listen,” Miche leaned closer to the other two on the table and lowered his voice. He was about to start gossiping, Nathalie could tell. “I caught a scent on Captain Grumps that can only be one person,” He grinned and leaned closer to the other three. “Petra,”

“OOH!” Hange clamped her palm against her lips to keep herself from crying out and Nathalie rolled her eyes.

“Please, I’ve known that way before you, Miche,” Nathalie smirked. “As a matter of fact, I set them up,”

Miche parted his lips to say something but Moblit spoke before he had the chance. “Wait, so they’re… together?!” Moblit asked confusedly. “Isn’t he way older than her?”

“He is!” Hange cried out before she started laughing like a maniac only for Nathalie to smack her shoulder to quiet her down. “I mean, how old is he??” She asked curiously.

“I bet he’s even older than Erwin,” Miche smirked.

Nathalie shrugged. “I do happen to know how old he is, but I’m thinking I’ll leave you hanging for now,”

Miche clicked his tongue. “Of course, you know,” He should expect nothing less. “And what about you and Erwin, huh? I heard some pretty suspicious noises coming from his office last night,”

“Really?!” Hange asked surprised. “I didn’t hear a thing, I was trying to work but some idiot was bugging me to go to sleep,”

Moblit frowned. “I was the idiot,”

“Right!”

Nathalie looked at that hopeful grin on Miche’s face and she chuckled. Was he really hoping that something was actually going on between her and Erwin? Nothing would ever bring Erwin to love her, and nothing would bring her to love him ever again.

“Relax,” Nathalie arched an eyebrow. “Erwin and I are just fucking,” She said it like it was the most normal thing to say. Miche’s eyes widened, and she could tell that it wasn’t exactly what he was expecting her to say.

No, it wasn’t at all what he was expecting to come from her.

“Wow! Way to go, girl!” Hange was supportive as expected. She elbowed Nathalie in a friendly manner. “Does he fuck good?”

“OH MY GOD, HANGE!” Moblit pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration burying his face shamefully in his hands whilst Miche laughed.

“What? Curiousness is no crime, Vice-Captain Berner. As a scientist, you should know that,” Hange grinned.

“This is in no way related to science,” Moblit groaned.

“It is clearly a question aiming for academic purposes-” Hange tried to say but an infuriated voice came from the far end of the table.

“Can you four just fucking stop?!” It was Levi. Of course, he had heard everything, and he just couldn’t keep listening to them. Levi groaned in irritation as he gathered his empty bowl and stood up on his feet to leave. “Fucking shitheads meddling with people’s personal lives…”

The four of them eyed each other in a shared awkward moment as Hange let out a cringe. “Whoops,”

After they were called to prepare for departure, Nathalie, and everybody else set off to strap their saddles on their horses. Nathalie was in the barn when she heard two familiar voices calling out to her and she turned at the blonde, blue-eyed boy and the black-haired girl that she hadn’t seen in such a long time.

“Nat!”

She rushed to their side and pulled them both in her hug. Armin and Mikasa buried their faces in her shoulders and wrapped their arms around her in a shared warm hug. “My darlings,” She pressed forehead kisses on them both and she pulled back to look at them. “Are you ready for today,”

“Nervous, but… I believe we got this,” Armin nodded and Mikasa shrugged. She didn’t look the least scared. Nathalie had heard that Mikasa had managed to score top of her class. She was so proud of her.

“You got this. You both do,” Nathalie smiled at them both and they nodded at her.

“Where’s Eren, how is he?” Mikasa asked worriedly and Nathalie gave her a smile.

“He is in good hands,” Nathalie reassured her. “He will be with Captain Levi, and I assure you there’s no safer place than by his side,”

Mikasa frowned. “That pipsqueak,”

Nathalie laughed. Mikasa was still holding a grudge on Levi for hurting Eren during the court. “He did what he had to do, I assure you,” Nathalie turned and looked at everybody else mounting their horses before she turned back at the two. “Now, now, we need to get going. Remember, do not engage unless you’re attacked, is that understood?”

They both nodded. “Yes, ma’am!”

They were going to be safe. Nathalie had made sure of it in hers and Erwin’s elaborate plan. Alas, it was not fair of her to let other people die and keep safe the people she cared about, but it made more sense to protect the rookies and place them at a safe position in the plan. Nathalie mounted her horse and joined with the members of Erwin’s squad. They rode at the main street and waited for the gates to open.

Nathalie stood beside Erwin and Hange stood beside her. Miche was standing by Erwin’s left side with his own squad and the Levi squad was right behind them. All the high ranked were at the front. A few squad leaders and section commanders were way back to keep an eye on the rookies.

Erwin let out his speech and honestly Nathalie didn’t hear a thing. She was staring down at her small notebook and the notes that she had last made on the contents of the titan spinal fluid that she wanted to get from Eren. She had equipped herself with the syringe that she would use right away should Eren choose to transform today, but she was already making assumptions on what his spinal fluid would have in it.

Still, she needed to get her hands on the laboratory beneath the Palace, and maybe, she wouldn’t even wait for Erwin to make the move. She would go there herself somehow. She didn’t have time for Erwin to make up a plan. But it made sense that the MPs would never let a Burgess set foot in those labs. She was their biggest threat.

Nathalie felt a sense of pride knowing that. Some satisfaction.

She shook the reins of her horse, urging herself to ride beside Erwin outside the walls. Once they were past the ruins of an abandoned town within Wall Maria, right outside Trost, Erwin gave the order for the squads to separate into different directions. Nathalie and two more other soldiers were to be by his side in the entirety of it and she just knew today was going to be painfully boring.

They rode straight for the large forests of Wall Maria. This was where the entire operation would take part. Hange would already be there by now, setting up the big surprise that they had set up for the intelligent titan, the spy amongst their ranks. They reached the centre of the forest just in time. Hange’s and Miche’s squad had the trap ready. The veteran squads were spread all around the path to help buy the Special Operation’s Squad some time.

Nathalie settled beside Erwin on the large, fat branch of the tree that he was standing on. There wasn’t much to be done but wait for the Levi squad – the bait and the titan shifter chasing them. She crossed her arms against her chest. She had no idea how many people they would end up gathering their dead bodies from the battlefield.

Collateral damage. Nathalie frowned and she crossed her arms against her chest.

“I sense distaste,” Erwin spoke breaking the silence between them.

Nathalie’s frown grew. “I’m not here to chit-chat, this branch just happens to have a better view,”

“No,” Erwin spoke, and he turned and looked at her. “You’re here because you’re my right hand,”

Nathalie scoffed in disbelief. What the hell was wrong with this man? His ‘right hand’? How stupid that was. She was only there because she had nothing better to do. Admittedly, teaching in the university was a waste of time and it wasn’t the kind of profession that she wanted to chase after for too long.

But that didn’t mean that she wanted to be beside him. She was there because it was her job to be there. She didn’t want to be beside him. She didn’t choose to land on that particular branch just to be beside him. The only thing he had to do was part those lips and spill out bullshit and get on her fucking nerves.

Nathalie used her ODM to leave that branch and maneuver elsewhere, away from him. Erwin sighed and shook his head. He couldn’t understand why that woman had started to be so adamant on showing him how much she hated him all the time. He couldn’t understand how her entire attitude changed entirely in just one night.

Levi’s sonic signal and the black smoke signals was enough to snap him out of it and he gave the order right away when the titan stood right where he wanted it to. “FIRE!”

Hange’s weapon worked. It restrained the Female Titan effectively. Levi instructed his squad to keep pushing ahead whilst he returned back to Erwin and the others. Nathalie stared in awe at the titan. What a magnificent test subject would that make? It would save her the trouble of worrying about hurting Eren when experimenting on him. Alas, Nathalie didn't have anything dangerous in mind. She just needed samples. The titan covered her nape. She knew her weak spot. All the more reason for Nathalie to believe that there was a human inside.

All they had to do was tear out that human and figure out who it was. They tried multiple ideas but ended up cutting her arms till she released the nape, but even then, the skin was hardened. Nathalie’s eyes widened. The hardening.

Nathalie jumped off the tree and landed on the titan’s shoulder. She hooked herself to hung on its back and look at the hardened part. At this point, Levi was at the top of the titan’s head, and he was scaring the hell out of her, but all that Nathalie could focus on was the hardening. It looked like a transparent crystal covering the soft skin but there were parts that it could be softer.

Nathalie whipped out her dagger and began carving. She couldn’t cut the crystal, but she could cut around at the softer parts. She couldn’t rip the person out, but she could get a sample, and that was all that Nathalie cared about right now. Nathalie looked at the torn skin at that she was trying to pull out whilst hanging on its back. She needed to buy herself some time.

“You want to scream, don’t you?” Nathalie asked. She could tell the woman behind the nape could hear her. “You want to call your little titan buddies to come here and cannibalise you, huh? You think this is your only option and maybe it is,” Nathalie tucked the piece of crystal that did not vaporise away in her brown bag that hung by her shoulders. “But whatever you do, whoever you are, we’ll find you,” Nathalie pulled out the large syringe and needle and she searched for a soft spot away from nape but still lining the spinal cord. “I do not plan to hurt you. Maybe they do, but I just want to talk,” Nathalie eased the large iron bamboo needle into the skin carefully and she started drawing the liquid into the large glass syringe. “I am a scientist. I do believe everything that’s going on into the world right now can be resolved by science alone and no more bloodshed,”

Nathalie tucked the bottle and syringe safely into her bag and she turned and nodded at Erwin who was watching her from his branch.

“After all, the greatest strength in this world is not physical nor military ammunition,” Nathalie chuckled. “It’s intelligence. An intelligent mind is the strongest weapon,”

Nathalie drew herself up on top of the titan’s head, grabbing Levi’s hand and dragging him with her towards the trees. He tried to resist but followed her anyway as the two of them jumped off the titan and maneuvered to the trees.

“EVERYBODY CLOSE YOUR EARS!” Nathalie cried out right before the titan began screaming.

Levi grabbed her and they both landed on the same branch. His arms tight around her as the loud screams echoed within the entire forest and she buried her face in his shoulder, closing her ears as she had instructed everybody to do. It seemed like she knew exactly what was going on, and Levi was planning to ask her right after the titan was done screaming. She pulled back to look at him with wide eyes in alarm.

“They’re coming,” Nathalie pulled away from Levi and she maneuvered to land beside Erwin. “They’re coming! Titans!”

“She’s right,” Miche landed beside her, and Erwin turned to look at them both. “From all directions,”

“How many?” Erwin asked.

“Dozens,”

“Don’t worry about them,” Nathalie cut in. “They are going to eat her. She wants to fool us that they’re going to kill her, but she’s going to escape whilst we think we lost the chance to capture her,” Nathalie explained, and Erwin’s eyes widened.

“What do you suggest?” Erwin asked.

“We leave,” Nathalie said.

“This can’t happen. We can’t go back with nothing,” Levi hung from the bark.

“Stay and more than enough soldiers die. Leave, and more of us will make it home,” Nathalie looked at Erwin. “Your choice,”

Erwin took a moment to think, and he turned to look at the titan being cannibalised by dozens other titans that had just gotten there. “We’ll do neither,” He turned at the soldiers on the rest of the trees, waiting for his orders. “Search the entire forest!” He gave the order. “She will turn again. We’ll find her,”

“I’m going after my squad,” Levi tried to jump off, but Erwin stopped him.

“Levi, replenish your blades first,”

“I can deal with what I have,”

“That is an order,”

Nathalie could have sworn, Levi was mere seconds away from punching Erwin in the face. “It’s alright. I’ll go after your squad,” Nathalie said.

“You’ll stay here,” Erwin insisted. There was no way he was letting her go off on her own whilst he knew a comrade of theirs could turn into a titan any moment. It was dangerous.

“I’m going,” Nathalie insisted, and she nodded at Levi reassuringly before she jumped off the branch and began maneuvering away. Yellow lightning shot through to the air and Nathalie knew she had to hurry. She followed it as fast as she could.

She maneuvered from tree to tree, branch to branch. She had to get there on time. She had to save them because as skilled as they were, those kids had no idea how to deal with this. It’s not like they had gotten through the proper training. Nathalie’s eyes widened when she found the first dead body. Gunther. No. And then the next, Eld. And then the other one. Oluo. And then, Petra’s screams reached her ears.

Nathalie turned to see Petra about to be tossed away by the Female Titan. Nathalie jumped in just in time. She pushed Petra out of the way and took the hit herself. Nathalie was tossed against the bark of a tree and Petra cried out her name. Something pointy stabbed right into her stomach and pain spread everywhere. Nathalie’s hand reached for the wound on her belly as it oozed out warm, crimson blood, painting her clothes and her uniform and then pooling on the soil beneath her.

She realised she had landed on a pointy boulder. Nathalie pulled the rock out of her stomach – a terrible idea really. She was going to bleed to death. But it was alright. It was fine. It wasn’t like there were any hospitals behind the walls that could treat her current injury. But it was alright. Nathalie had made peace with the fact that one day she might die in the battlefield. It was something she acknowledged the moment she chose to become a scout – a choice that she had made for Erwin in the first place.

Blood filled her mouth and trickled down the corner of her lips, but Nathalie chuckled bitterly.

Petra rushed to her side. She looked okay. The Female Titan was attacked by Eren as he shifted into his own titan. They were going to be okay if the two of them stayed out of the titans’ way. There was no way Nathalie could let Petra die. Petra was important to Levi. Petra made him happy. Petra had to live. She just had to live just because Levi needed her.

And if Nathalie had to die for her, then so be it.

Levi was precious. Levi deserved everything. Maybe that was Nathalie’s perfect chance to make up for breaking his heart when she first left him. Nathalie fell on her knees, and she vomited out all the blood that had started filling her torn stomach. She looked down at the terrible wound and she could tell just from one look. She was going to die.

“Section Commander!” Petra cried out. Her hand found Nathalie’s shoulder and she leaned down to look at her worriedly. “Section Commander, please you have to get up, we need to-”

“I’m done for,” Nathalie cut her, and she finally looked up at the younger girl. Nathalie wiped the blood off her lips with the back of her palm. “Go… go back to Levi,” She panted. Blood seeped out of her stomach draining her off energy. Her vision grew blurry. But Petra was still there, and this place was still dangerous. “Go!” Nathalie cried out at the girl who tensed up right away. “I’ll slow you down! Leave!”

“I- I- I- I’ll come back for you!” Petra stood back up on her feet and she hastily maneuvered away. She needed to bring backup. She needed to bring somebody to help.

Nathalie lied down. Her back met the tree bark, and she looked up at the vast greenery of the trees that reached so high up in the sky. The titans shrieked as they fought to death. Nathalie coughed out more blood, hot and red and sticky, covering her chin, her neck, staining her clothes. The pain, unbearable, she closed her eyes and she put up with it. She allowed her head to roll back. Even now that she had almost convinced herself she felt nothing for Erwin, even now at the end, he was all she could think about.

All the things she never got to do with him – the family that she wanted to have with him. The house that she wanted to own with him. The life that she wanted with him. Dreams. Just dreams that were never going to become a reality. It was stupid to fantasize about something that was never going to happen, because she was dying now. She was dying, and she was certain, he wouldn’t even bother showing up to her funeral. He didn’t love her. Not one bit.

“Oh, don’t give up on me now, sweet Nathalie,”

Nathalie blinked only to watch the red-eyed woman approaching her. Her shadow. Her inner demon that had been quiet lately, but maybe that was only because Nathalie had started matching her mindset. The cold, hateful attitude that she had taken out on Erwin.

The woman dropped on one knee in front of her and propped a hand on her bent knee. “It all went fine until you thought about him,” She groaned in irritation. “Well? What do you think you’ll achieve by thinking about him in your very last moments?”

Nathalie closed her eyes. “Nothing… I’ll achieve… nothing,”

“Good. He doesn’t love you. He won’t ever feel anything for you. You’re just a powerful pawn that he’s tossing around like it means nothing,”  

Oh God, it hurt. It hurt more than her wounds because it was so true. “I… know that,”

“Good. Sleep now, Nathalie,” Nathalie closed her eyes and her head rolled to the side. “Sleep,”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chapter

Nathalie wasn’t there. She was supposed to be there but she wasn't.

“Well?”

“I- I- I swear! She was here! That’s where I left her!” Petra cried out confused. “She couldn’t even stand, she was bleeding so much, there is no way she could have stood up and just walked away!”

Levi gritted his teeth. “They took her,”

Chapter 42: A Deal With the Enemy

Petra led Levi exactly where she had last seen Nathalie. Exactly where she had left Nathalie just a few minutes ago. Petra and Levi with Mikasa’s help had managed to retrieve Eren after being taken by the Female Titan, but the spy had escaped. The entire Expedition was a massacre and bore no results whatsoever. There was no explaining the frustration Erwin felt. He had been defeated and he could blame no one but himself. Petra said Nathalie was badly wounded, but Levi had set off with her to find her. They’d find her, they’d bring her back.

Nathalie was going to be okay. Erwin was busy giving orders and gathering the dead. Levi’s entire squad had been wiped out. He found their bodies and many other bodies. This entire mission was a failure. All that was left to do was gather the dead and wounded and go back. Erwin had no idea what it was that he was going to tell his superiors. The Scouts were going to lose their permission to keep organising Expeditions. They were going to take Eren and God knows what they’d do to him.

Probably kill him.

Levi needed to at least find Nathalie. He needed to know she was okay. Petra told him she had gotten in the way. Petra told him she had saved her life. He had to make sure she was okay.

Petra landed down right in front of the tree where she had left Nathalie, but no one was there. Petra’s eyes widened and she parted her lips to speak but she found no words. Nathalie wasn’t there. She was supposed to be right there, back against the tree. Blood had spilled on the soil. The evidence that Nathalie had been there. But there was no one there right now. Levi landed beside her.

“Well?”

“I- I- I swear! She was here! That’s where I left her!” Petra said confused. “She couldn’t even stand, she was bleeding so much, there is no way she could have stood up and just walked away!”

Levi believed her. Petra had no reason to lie. He looked down at the blood that had made a puddle on the soil and then more blood that had stained the tree. It was the evidence that Nathalie had been there. If she was so injured, then where was she? Did she get taken? Did she leave? Levi’s heart started beating fast. This didn’t make sense. She couldn’t leave. Not whilst losing so much blood evidently.

Unless… the spy took her.

Levi gritted his teeth. “They took her,”

They couldn’t let them take her. They couldn’t let them hurt her. They couldn’t. Nathalie was wounded. If not treated, she was going to die. No. Her life was in danger. No. There was no way Levi was letting this happen. He had lost his entire squad today. Nathalie was only injured because she protected Petra. Nathalie had saved Petra’s life. There was no way Levi was going to lose her.

“We need to find Erwin!” Levi ordered as he used his ODM to begin maneuvering away.

Erwin would know what to do. If anything, Nathalie was important to Erwin, right? Erwin cared about her – maybe only a little – but he cared about her more than anybody else. If anything, Nathalie was important to his plans. Even if he didn’t love her, she was important. Even if Erwin didn’t give a damn for her, he would give a damn for her brilliant mind that was going to bring nothing but success to his brilliant plans. Nothing would work without her.

“They got her,” Levi ran towards Erwin. They had moved out of the forest. They were gathering their dead and loading them on carriages. They were preparing to leave. Erwin was talking to Miche and Hange and then he turned at Levi and tried to understand what he meant by that. “Nathalie. They got her,”

Hange’s eyes widened and Miche’s jaw dropped. “No way,”

“We need to do something. We need to find her,” Levi said.

Erwin bit the inside of his cheek and he turned his back at his comrades. There was no denying how worried he was. What would they do to her? Kill her? She was their only source of knowledge it would make sense that they’d kill her. But she was already wounded, wasn’t she? If that was true – and considering how fast they retrieved her, it would make sense that killing her was not their aim.

Nathalie was a Burgess. She was dangerous to the King and the MPs, but what if she was important to the Marleyan spies? What if Marley needed her? If that was the case, then she was safe. She was taken by the enemy, but they had no intention to kill her. For all he knew, they could have even saved her from her injuries.

Or maybe, all of those speculations were not true at all. Maybe he was just trying to come up with reasons to not look for her. Maybe she was dead. Maybe they were going to torture her and hurt her, or just let her die. He didn’t even know who had taken her. It was all just a guess. But should he look for her? Should he send out troops whilst so many people had already died? Whilst he just had to take everyone who had survived back to their families?

Could he really afford to look for one missing soldier?

No. He could not afford it. And he completely ignored that she wasn’t just any soldier. She was the woman that he loved and he had no idea where she was or what was happening to her, or what they were planning to do to her, and he didn’t even know whether she was alive. If her injuries were that bad, then she was already dead, and the enemy didn’t even get the chance to get what they wanted from her.

“We need to go,” Erwin said.

“What?!” Miche cried out. He grabbed Erwin by his shoulders and turned him to look at him. “This is Nathalie we’re talking about, and you’re just gonna leave her?!”

“Fucking unbelievable,” Hange growled.

“What if she’s already dead?” Erwin said and he turned and looked at Levi who was glaring at him. Fists clenched. He couldn’t believe this man. Erwin had once told him that he loved Nathalie. Why didn’t it show? Why didn’t it show at all?

Levi clicked his tongue. Liar.

“I got many wounded and dead soldiers, and we need to take them all back while they’re still alive, and then I’ll consider a rescue mission,” Erwin said. A dead, cold look on his face. He had learned to toss his heart away and just do what was right. If she was dead – and there was a big possibility that she was – then risking more people’s lives was going to be pointless.

Nathalie had thought it all through. She had already taken into consideration the possibility that she might die along the way. She had already given Erwin that folder with all the notes that Hange and Moblit would use to carry out her plan to save all Eldians. Nathalie was no longer a necessity to his plans.

“You don’t give a fuck about her, do you?” Levi growled.

He tried to launch onto Erwin and punch him across the face. He had the guts to call her his whilst he wouldn’t even bother rescuing her from the enemy. He wouldn’t even bother sending a squad or two to find her. He wouldn’t even look for her. He gave up on her. He didn’t even hesitate to consider her dead.

Miche and Petra caught Levi, stopping him from attacking Erwin but he still tried to shake them both off of him. “You don’t care about her! She’s only a pawn to your damn gambles, but she’s already given you what you need, hasn’t she?!” Her notebooks. The knowledge in them. That’s all that Erwin needed. She wasn’t important to him in any other way. Levi should have known.

“I will lead my men as a Commander should. It would be unfair of me to let emotions get in the way and search for her, whilst leaving other missing soldiers behind,” Erwin mounted his horse. “We’re going back. That’s an order,” He shook the reins of his horse and began riding away.

“Fuck off!” Levi growled and he pushed Miche away from him. There was no way he could explain how angry he was right now.

“Can’t believe I’m saying this but… I agree with Levi on this one,” Miche sighed heavily.

“Me too, but hey…” Hange bit her lip. “She’s strong. She’ll be okay… right?”

“I’m going after her,” Levi turned around to go back into the forest only for Petra to pull on his hand and stop him. “Not now, Petra,”

“Captain, please, you can’t go out there on your own-”

“I’m coming with you,” Miche sighed heavily, and he started checking on his gas tanks.

“No,” Levi frowned. “I don’t want your irritating dogface annoying the shit out of me while I look for her,”

“This irritating dogface got a natural talent that may help you find her,” Miche grinned in amusement at Levi’s frown. Levi’s silence was the most to I agree with you he’d ever get from Levi.

“W- W- Wait, what do I tell Erwin?!” Hange stuttered. “You guys are disobeying a direct order, if he finds out, he’ll-”

“He won’t find out,” Miche smirked. “You and Moblit make sure of it,” He bumped Levi’s shoulder. “C’mon. We need gas and new blades, and the wagons are leaving in a few minutes. We don’t got much time,”

༻◊۞◊༺

Pain shot through her stomach, but Nathalie could tell that it should be far worse than it was. She shouldn’t even be lying down on a bed – because she could tell that she was lying down. A soft mattress beneath her, and a pillow beneath her head. She had no idea where she was, but she opened her eyes and blinked a few times to clear her sight. They couldn’t have saved her in time, could they? There was no way. She should have died from that injury. They didn’t have time to take her back to Trost in a hospital and treat her. And she knew for a fact that Paradis did not have the means to treat such injuries.

She should have been dead.

Unless she wasn’t in Paradis. Nathalie was in a room. It was a nice living room. A man was sitting by the couch facing a window. Where the hell was she? She couldn’t remember being in this place before. The man stood up. He was dressed in the white military uniform of Marley’s. Her eyes widened. That was a Marleyan. She had been taken, hadn’t she?

She had to get out of here. Who knows what they were planning to do to her. She tried to stand up only to notice tubes connected to her wrists that lead to a serum hanging by the side of her bed. A tight bandage was around her waist. Pain stung harshly as she tried to move but she winced and abandoned the very idea of escaping. She was in no shape to move right now.

“I would advise you stand still for now,” The man approached her. “I am Commander Magath of Marley’s Military Division,”

“What does Marley want with me?” Nathalie asked, even though, she could already guess a couple of answers to that question.

She looked down at the patched up wound and then up at the serum that she was willing to bet it was providing her body with all the nutrients she needed, and not to mention the painkillers that they had most definitely given her otherwise she would’ve been in immense pain right now.

“You don’t want me to die, you treated my wounds, that’s clear, I should’ve been in pain right now…” Nathalie made her assumptions out loud. How come they happened to be there when she got wounded? How come they retrieved her just in time only to treat her wounds before they got lethal? “…you saved me. Why?”

Commander Magath chuckled. She had figured out everything in just a few seconds. “You are a Burgess,” Magath settled down on a chair beside her bed. “And my sources tell me, you are the last sane Burgess left,”

Nathalie’s eyes widened. “What?” What did that mean? The last sane Burgess? What did he mean by that? Nathalie came to the realisation and breathing suddenly became difficult.

“The entire Burgess family locked themselves in an asylum. They said a brain disorder spread like a disease. It only affects the mind of a Burgess,” Magath sighed heavily. “We’re losing the Burgesses now that we need them the most,”

“There you have it,” Nathalie looked at the woman that walked around the room. The woman in her mind. Her shadow. The woman that looked exactly like her except from the red eyes and the long black hair. This woman wasn’t her. It was her disease. It was the new Burgess disease that affected her entire family. “Call it bipolar disorder, or dissociative identity disorder, or schizophrenia, or insanity. Call it whatever you want. You’re not getting rid of me,”

Nathalie ignored her. “You said you need us Burgesses the most now…” Nathalie looked at Magath. “…what is it that you want from a Burgess, Commander?”

He hesitated for a moment, and he made sure there was no one else in the room before he finally answered her question. “We need your help to eradicate the existence of all titans… because they have spread… and they have gotten out of our control,”

This couldn’t be true. This was impossible. There were titans only on their little island. There was no way they were everywhere. There was no way that the entire world was being terrorised by them. But what if Marley had indeed messed around too much with titan biology and it actually went out of their control?

“What have you done?”

“We need a Burgess, and you’re the only one left, Nathalie,”

“I need a proper lab, I can’t work with what I have here, Commander,” Nathalie said.

“I know. That’s why we’re taking you back to Marley,”

No. Nathalie didn’t want to leave. If they took her back to Marley, could she really trust those people? Could she really trust that they wouldn’t hurt her? She couldn’t trust this man. She couldn’t trust Marley in the first place.

“No…” Nathalie had to come up with something. An excuse to stay. “…Marley and the people of Paradis have a common enemy… the King. The King who has wiped out everybody’s memories. I know a strategically brilliant mind that’s planning to overthrow him, but he needs my help,”

Commander Magath actually considered this. “You’re talking about a coup?”

“Better. A bloodless coup,”

“I don’t care if people die in the process,” Magath sighed. “How long will that take?”

“About three months. Give us three months and we’ll make sure the King is no more,” Nathalie said. “And I have a plan to wipe the existence of all Eldians without killing them,” She looked up at the man. “I am planning to make a vaccine. If all Eldians get injected with it, they will no longer be capable of shifting and the titans will cease to exist. No more wars. No more fighting, I just need to know I have Marley’s support for this,”

Commander Magath took a moment to think about it. It was brilliant. If anything, he didn’t want any more bloodshed. The entire world was universally battling giant man-eating monsters – their racist tendencies towards Eldians was the least of their concerns right now.

“Alright, but once the King is overthrown, we’ll come for you,” Commander Magath stood up. “You’re free to go when you feel better,”

༻◊۞◊༺

They found nothing. Levi and Miche stayed out on titan territory, searching and evading titans. But they had found nothing. Nathalie was nowhere to be seen and now night had fallen. They had both settled at the tallest, fattest branch of a tree that they could find. No titans were looking for them, and they weren’t active in the night, so they were safe for now. She was nowhere to be found.

What had happened to her? Who had taken her? What were they going to her? Levi allowed his head to roll back at the thick bark of the tree and he closed his eyes tiredly. The moon shined bright in the clear sky – the only indication of light that they had.

“You love her, don’t you?” Miche finally spoke. He was sitting on a nearby branch. His back against the bark, a hand propped on his bent-up knee. “That’s why you’re here,”

“Tch, what’s it to you? Why are you here?” Levi asked.

“I’m here because another idiot loves her too, but he doesn’t have a clue,” Miche laughed.

“I highly doubt that’s true,”

“Oh, it is,” Miche sighed. “Trust me. I’ve known him since his cadet days,”

“Then he would have sent a squad to find her. He would have put some effort into making sure she was alive, at least,” Levi frowned.

“Ah you know Erwin,” Miche groaned. “He’ll do what’s right, not what feels right. He pretty much shut out everything after his dad died,”

Levi didn’t know that last part admittedly. He had never had a father himself. Not his biological one at least. But he did have a father figure and of all people, knew how it felt to lose a parent.

“Listen, Erwin can be an egoistic asshole, but his heart’s in the right place,” Miche chuckled. “He needs a woman who can make him feel like an absolute moron and let me tell you… only Nat can do that, and he knows it, and maybe that’s exactly why he’s not looking for her. He’s either sure that she’s alive, or he was actually counting on us disobeying him… or he’s just trying to get rid of whatever’s left of that stone of a heart that he’s got… because after all, she’s the only one in possession of it,”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap

“She needs rest,” Levi said.

Erwin sighed and he turned to leave. He looked away. “Would you mind letting me know when she wakes up? I have some papers to give to Hange and-”

 

“Stop,” Levi cut him as he stood up and finally turned to face Erwin who looked at him confusedly. “Stop being an asshole. You want her affection. Earn it,”

Chapter 43: Precious

Notes:

tysm🥺🥺🥰🥰🥰

It was in the early morning when the sound of ODM ringing reached his ears. Levi’s eyes snapped open, realising he had actually slept on the branch of the tall tree that him and Miche spent the entire night onto. Levi immediately checked for titans, but there was nothing at the foot of the tree. He looked up only to see Nathalie landing on his branch with a loud wince and a hand clutching on her stomach. Nathalie threw a hand against the bark of the tree to keep herself on her feet, and an expression of pain twisted across her face and her legs gave up on her. She crashed on her knees beside him.

“Levi…”

“Nat!” Levi wrapped an arm around her right away, shifting closer to her and bringing her close to him. He cupped her face with the other hand, earning her attention. “Are you okay? How’s your wound?” He asked worriedly and he looked down at the bloody bandage around her waist that she had been clutching on.

“I’m okay. I’ll be okay,” Nathalie nodded at him, and she gave him a sweet smile. She did not expect him to be there.

She did not expect anybody to be there. She would somehow crawl her way to Trost. The Marleyan Commander had taken her on top of a blimp that was now flying just above the clouds to cover its existence from the eyes of the people of Paradis. They were going to leave her somewhere on titan territory because they couldn’t afford being seen. So Nathalie would have to find a way – without a horse – to make it back to safety. But now she didn’t have to do that. Now Levi was there, and of course he was. Levi was there for her. But Levi wasn’t her own.

“You’re here… you stayed back for me,” Nathalie said gratefully. She cupped his cheek before she brought him into a tight hug. She buried her face in his neck and she shut her eyes. Her sweet man. He was there for her. There was nothing for her to worry about so long as he was around. He should have been the man she’d love till her final days. It should have been him.

Levi buried his face in her hair and drew in her scent. He sighed in relief. She was okay. She was alive. “Of course, I did, brat,” He hid the small smile on his lips in her hair.

Miche cleared his throat catching their attention finally. “I’m here too, you know. You’re welcome,”

Nathalie chuckled as she pulled back from Levi and her hand reached for his shoulder. “Thank you, Miche,”

Miche grinned. “You guys got a lot touchy, over there, I can already think of two people who wouldn’t want to know about this-”

“Choose your next words carefully or I’ll feed you to a titan on our way back,” Levi glared at the man and Miche laughed.

“My lips are sealed,” Miche said. A look of amusement on his face. He just couldn’t help but love getting on Levi’s nerves.

“C’mon,” Levi turned his attention back at Nathalie. “Let’s take you home,”

Levi helped her maneuver down on the ground and both him and Miche mounted their horses. Levi settled her on his horse, right in front of him. He wrapped an arm around her waist, helping her apply enough pressure on her wound. His larger, warm palm engulfed her own and his other hand grabbed onto the reins. Nathalie turned and looked back at Levi. Argent eyes met her own and his arm tightened around her bringing her back to his chest. Bodies pressed close. She was just so beautiful in the morning light. Her hair was messy, and her black shirt, stained in dry blood. But she was gorgeous. The morning light that stole in through the thick leaves of the trees, reflected perfectly on her bright blue eyes.

Nathalie giggled. “I’m going to need new glasses,” She said and only then did he realise that she wasn’t wearing any. “So that I can look clearer at those… argent eyes of yours, my darling Levi,”

Goodness, she had to stop. She had to stop saying things like that, because he wasn’t supposed to be looking down at her like that. He wasn’t supposed to be losing his focus – now of all times that they were out on titan territory, and they could get attacked any moment. He shouldn’t be holding her so tight. He shouldn’t be looking down at her as if she was the most precious woman in his life because he had another woman that he was supposed to be in love with.

But really? What did he really feel for Petra? He knew it was wrong to use the young girl like this, but she did fill the void that Nathalie left. Not perfectly, but he could live with that. He could learn to love Petra. He could.

“Ah, here she is,” Miche stopped whistling for his horse to come when the horse finally approached him and he mounted it. “I’m good. Let’s go,” He nodded at the two and Levi nodded.

Nathalie shivered slightly as she allowed her head to roll back on Levi’s shoulder and he noticed right away. “Are you cold?”

Nathalie shook her head. “I’m… tired. You know I get cold when tired,” She chuckled reassuringly. “I’m okay,”

Levi took off his green survey corps cloak and he wrapped it around her. She needed it more than he did. However, they had treated her wounds – whoever had done it – she had still lost much blood. She was pale and weak, and he could tell. It made sense to be cold. He made sure he held the green cloak tight around her with one hand whilst he shook the reins of the horse with the other urging it to move.

Nathalie smiled, closing her eyes, and burying her nose in his neck. “Thank you,”

The ride back to Trost was uneventful thankfully. They opened the gates and let them in. Levi and Miche took Nathalie back to HQ right away. Nathalie had fallen asleep and Levi did not attempt to wake her. She needed this rest. He carried her into HQ with Miche following from behind. Hange, Moblit and Nanaba met them three the moment they entered the HQ.

“Is she okay?!” Hange took Nathalie’s hand in her own right away and checked on her pulse.

“She’s alright. She’s sleeping,” Levi said.

“Let’s take her to the infirmary anyway,” Moblit said and Hange nodded.

“Agreed,” Hange turned at Levi. “Follow me,”

༻◊۞◊༺

“Well, I can’t tell what they did to her, but it worked wonders on that wound,” Hange walked out of the room where they had lied Nathalie in. Moblit followed her only to see Levi, Petra and Miche waiting outside. “She’s going to be fine. She just needs some rest and regular changes to her bandages which Moblit and I will handle just fine,”

“Can I see her?” Levi asked.

Hange shrugged. “Well, sure, but I’d advise you let her rest,”

“Section Commander Hange and Section Commander Miche,” A soldier’s voice came from behind and both Hange and Miche turned at the man. “Commander Erwin’s asking to see you,”

Hange sighed. “Fine,”

Both Hange and Miche with Moblit following closely left only Levi and Petra back. Levi looked at the closed brown wooden door that led to the room Hange had put Nathalie into. He wanted to see her. He wanted to be beside her.

“Captain,” Petra stepped beside him, placing an arm on his shoulder. “You need to rest too,” She reminded him.

Levi sighed heavily. She was right. He had to rest. He had things to do and he could do nothing whilst ignoring his need to sleep for more than two days straight. But he wanted to sleep beside Nathalie. He didn’t want to sleep beside anyone else right now. Nathalie was all he cared about right now. Sleeping and resting wasn’t his priority. Seeing her was.

“Go rest, Petra,” Levi said – not once turning to look at her. Eyes locked on Nathalie’s door. “I’ll be joining you in a few minutes,” He said and he didn’t even give her a moment to part her lips and reply. Petra only watched him as he walked inside of the other room without so much for a word.

Petra sighed heavily before she made her way back to his office hoping he’d keep his word and join her like he had said. Just what was going on between Nathalie and Levi? Nathalie knew Levi better than anyone and it was apparent to everyone just how close they were. What was Nathalie to Levi before Petra came around?

Petra did not want to keep thinking about this. She tried to ignore all thoughts on the matter, and she tried to find something else to keep herself busy.

Levi settled by the edge of the bed beside her. He took Nathalie’s hand trapping it between the two of his own, settling it on his lap and he looked down at her. Her hand was slightly cold, but she was sleeping peacefully. He tucked her hand beneath her blankets and an arm reached for her cheek, pushing a strand of hair away from her forehead.

You stayed back for me. Of course. He’d never leave her behind. I’m going to need new glasses… so that I can see clearer those silver eyes of yours, my darling Levi. What was he supposed to do if not love her? Why did she have to be in love with some other man? Why? A man who did not deserve her. A man that would never show her half of the affection that Levi showed her. A man who did not know how to love properly.

Nathalie deserved better. She really did.

“I was told she’s asleep,” A familiar voice came from behind and Levi frowned.

“She needs rest,” Levi said.

Erwin sighed and he turned to leave. He looked away. “Would you mind letting me know when she wakes up? I have some papers to give to Hange and-”

“Tsk,” Levi couldn’t believe this man. This unbelievable, difficult man.

Of course, he had other things to do, and staying with her definitely wasn’t one of them. He hadn’t sent anybody to look for her. The only reason that Nathalie was here was because Levi and Miche disobeyed him and stayed back to find her themselves. If what Miche told him was true – if Erwin truly loved her, he wasn’t putting any effort into it. He wasn’t showing it and maybe that was exactly what he wanted to do.

He didn’t want to show it. He wanted to run from it. He wanted to run from her, that’s why he didn’t send people to find her. He wanted her out of his life but it wasn’t because he hated her. No, it was because she made him weak. It was because he loved her. Miche was right after all, even though it seemed to be the exact opposite.

“Stop,” Levi cut him as he stood up and finally turned to face Erwin who looked at him confusedly. “Stop being an asshole. You want her affection. Earn it,” Levi took the paperwork from Erwin’s hands and headed for the door. “I’ll take these to Hange and the others,”

Levi was out of the room before Erwin had the chance to say a word. Levi closed the door behind him leaving them alone in the room. Nathalie was sleeping peacefully, covered beneath the white bedsheets that Hange had draped over her small body. Puffy pink lips pressed together in a thin line, and her hair, a mess against her pillow. She was beautiful.

Erwin shut his eyes closed and buried his face in his hands. He shouldn’t be thinking these. He shouldn’t be here. He had things to do. You want her affection. Earn it. Erwin sighed heavily and he approached her. He sat beside her by the edge of her bed. She had been cold to him but he would never blame her. Feelings come and go, darling, she had told him and it almost felt like she meant it. Isn’t this what you wanted?

What did he really want from her?

He didn’t know. He had no idea. It was best that he left. It was best that he did nothing right now. It was best to not try anything. He had to get out of here. And he did. He turned around to leave. She’d get to tell him everything that had happened after she’d wake up – whenever that was. He didn’t have to be there.

“Erwin?”

He bit the inside of his cheek and he stopped by the door. She had gotten to him before he had the chance to leave. Fuck. What was he supposed to do now? Erwin turned and looked at her. Half-lidded blue eyes met his own and he approached her. He sat back down beside her.

“How are you feeling?”

She smiled at him. “I’ll be okay,” She winced a bit as she tried to shift to a more comfortable position. “I have things to report, but I-”

“It’s alright. Sleep for now, Nat,”

She nodded at him. “Are you… okay? Have you rested… at all?” Her hand reached for him, stopping him from moving. Even after he had almost left her for dead, she still cared for him. God, she should stop caring for him. She should stop looking up at him all worriedly and caring. He took her hand in his own and held her small fingers within his own.

“Don’t you worry about me. We have two days to come up with a plan,”

“Then rest… please,”

Erwin pursed his lips. Her fingers gave his own a gentle squeeze. What was he supposed to do? He was to meet tomorrow with the 104^th and come up with a plan and find the Female Titan. But right now, he didn’t have much to do. Erwin already knew what to do. He already had a plan in mind. And what was he supposed to do, if not lie beside her and hold her, and forget about everything for just a few hours. Just a few hours. She was the only one who could make him forget.

You want her affection. Earn it. He had done nothing to earn it then how could he expect her to give him everything when he gave her nothing?

Erwin gave up. For tonight alone he promised himself. But he gave up. He lied beside her in the small bed that wouldn’t fit them both, but he didn’t mind. He didn’t mind it one bit. She was there. She was alive. She had explaining to do but he didn’t care to hear it. All he cared about now was her. Being there, with her. It had been so pointless of him to fool himself that he didn’t care about her.

Nathalie was surprised. She didn’t expect him to lie down beside her. She didn’t expect him to stay. It was the last thing she thought he would do. But he wrapped his arms around her and brought her close and she let out a small wince.

“Where is it?” Erwin’s large hand searched for her wound around her waist, her belly. She took his hand and placed it on top of the slightly bloody bandage.

“Here,” Nathalie said softly as she looked up at him and her eyes met his own. His fingers were warm around her own, both their hands pressing down on the sensitive spot on her belly.

Erwin bit his tongue and he let go of her wound. His hand reached for her face cupping her tender cheek. The tip of his nose brushed against her own and all he wanted to do was kiss her.

“I didn’t order them to come find you,” Erwin said and she chuckled bitterly, pulling her eyes off of his own.

“I know… or at least, I guessed as much, and it’s alright-”

“No,” He shook his head. “It’s not alright. I am a coward, Nathalie. I can lead the Survey Corps, but I can’t lead a relationship with you,” Erwin admitted.

“You don’t have to lead it alone, and we don’t have to have a relationship,” Nathalie finally looked back up at him. “Listen to me, my darling Erwin,” She cupped his cheek. “I love you, but you don’t ever have to say it back, and you don’t have to feel guilty about not saying it. You have things more important than me to deal with, and I have things more important than you to deal with-”

“What can be more important to you?” Erwin asked, and he couldn’t believe that he had just asked this. He wanted her attention at all times. He wanted her to focus on nothing but him. What could possibly be more important to her than him? He knew this was all wrong. He knew he was being a selfish asshole. He knew that. But he didn’t want anything else on her mind but himself. Worse, he didn’t want anyone else on her mind but himself.

Nathalie bit her lip and she looked down at his chest which was at the same level as her face. “A Marleyan Commander took me up on a blimp… i- it’s a- an aircraft. A vehicle that can fly up in the sky by the means of a balloon-like structure filled with a gas called helium,” She explained. “The entire world is being terrorised by titans. There are large parts of land surrounded by walls just like Paradis, but this wasn’t the case until a few years back,” She looked up at him. “The titans went out of Marley’s control. I don’t think the world is onto us anymore, but they need a Burgess to help them wipe the titans off existence, but the Burgesses are…”

Nathalie stopped talking. Could she really tell him? She had tried to keep it to herself, but how the hell was she supposed to keep it a secret? She was spiralling towards insanity like every other Burgess had and there was no keeping it a secret. It would get in the way of her job eventually. But what would he do if she told him? That she was drifting towards insanity because something was so wrong right now with her head. What would he do? What if it was permanent?

She wouldn’t be able to be with him like she wanted if it was permanent. She would be dangerous. She wouldn’t be able to be there and work and be around him. She wouldn’t be able to be around him. Nathalie couldn’t tell him. She couldn’t let him know. Ever.

“I’m the last Burgess… and I’m the only one who can eradicate the titans’ existence,” She lied. She wasn’t the last Burgess. But she was the only one who was going insane and was willing to do something about it.

But he heard it different from her. I am the last Burgess. She was the last of her kind. The last of the most intelligent family in the world. Nathalie was far more precious than he had realised. Nathalie was the ace up his sleeve. She was on their side. She couldn’t help Marley – she couldn’t help any other country out there whilst she was still on their side and Erwin was already thinking of ways to use this to their advantage. She was the leverage that he was holding against the entire world. She was the answer – the prize.

Erwin leaned in pressing a kiss on her forehead. “You’ve done well, Nathalie,” He pressed another kiss down on her nose, her cheek, her temple. “You’ve done so well,” Blue eyes met her own. “Let me handle the rest,” Erwin stood up and made his way out of the room. He had to report these to the people that he trusted the most. “Rest, Nathalie,” She nodded weakly, and she buried her face in the warm blanket. “My precious girl,”

Chapter 44: Who is in Control?

Notes:

I WANNA THANK YALL FOR THE AWESOME SUPPORT 😍😍😍😍

TRIGGER WARNINGS: detailed description of a patient with schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder (I know those two don't occur together, but Nat's got a whole different case that is a combination of them both), a bit of self-harming too. The content might be triggering. Proceed with caution.

No worries, it's not too triggering, I just gotta put on the warnings tho

Control - Halsey (Spotify Link)

They send me away to find them a fortune
A chest filled with diamonds and gold
The house was awake, the shadows and monsters
The hallways, they echoed and groaned

I sat alone, in bed till the morning
I'm crying, "They're coming for me"
And I tried to hold these secrets inside me
My mind's like a deadly disease

I'm bigger than my body
I'm colder than this home
I'm meaner than my demons
I'm bigger than these bones

And all the kids cried out,
"Please stop, you're scaring me"
I can't help this awful energy
God damn right, you should be scared of me
Who is in control?

I paced around for hours on empty
I jumped at the slightest of sounds
And I couldn't stand the person inside me
I turned all the mirrors around

Catching the Female Titan wasn’t easy. Eren fought her, destroying the Stohess District in the process, but they did catch her. She emitted that unbreakable crystal all around her making her inaccessible to everyone, but Nathalie was already ordered to figure out a way to break it. Nathalie stared at Annie. They had put her in the basement, guarded at all times by Survey Corps soldiers. Nathalie was trying to figure out a way to break that crystal shield. She knew it was indestructible, but science always found a way around.

What about frequencies?

Blood dripped down her nostril.

I’m going to need a device that’s going to produce the right frequency.

A crimson drop made a mess on her white shirt.

I’m going to have to calculate the right frequency. But what if that doesn’t work? What else could she use? Probably a solution that would be capable of dissolving the crystal. But what could that be? She didn’t even know what this crystal was. If she knew, she could figure out a solution to dissolve it.

“Poor Nathalie. If only you could see yourself in the mirror,”

The voices came back in her head. Those whispers that made no sense and Nathalie couldn’t think a thing. She couldn’t focus on anything but the mess that was her mind right now. The immense headache that wouldn’t go away. A hand reached for her face. She pressed her fingers on her temple, massaging gently trying to ease her headache, but it didn’t subside at all.

“Ignoring me?”

“You’re not real,”

“Oh, I am. I am to you,”

“You’re not real,” Nathalie shut her eyes tightly.

She didn’t want to see that other woman. Not now. She didn’t want to hear any more of this. She didn’t want to deal with her defective mind. She had more important things to do. She had Erwin’s orders to follow, even though, every single thought she made towards solution, more and more blood would drip from her nostrils, and she’d slip further towards madness. Erwin’s orders were killing her, but what else could she do if not please the man that she loved dearly?

No voice came. Nathalie was almost convinced her demons had left her alone for now, but she opened her eyes, and she was no longer in the basement of the Survey Corps HQ. She wasn’t in the stone walls that had torches all over to bring enough light. She had no crystalised titan-shifter in front of her. No, she was in the midst of the Mitras University’s walls.

There were so many students around her. Students that she recognised – students that she used to study with. All men. All of them staring at her and her heart began pounding fast. She had to get out of there. Of all the memories, why would her mind bring her back to this one? She recognised it all too well.

Going to the university was more traumatising than being a Scout, and it wasn’t because she couldn’t handle the exams and the studying. Nathalie handled these better than anyone. She handled chemistry equations and theories and techniques better than the professors themselves – and that’s exactly why they hated her. That’s exactly why everyone hated her. Her colleagues, her professors. Everyone. But the numbers talked for themselves.

But of all memories. Why this one? She couldn’t relive this.

Nathalie ran. She ran like she did back then. She tried to run away from the men chasing her. They had been having their eyes on her a while now. She always felt uncomfortable when she was around them. It was four, or… five or maybe more, she couldn’t even remember their names, but they hated her for being there. For being better and being a woman. A woman had ridiculed four hundred men that were studying the same thing with her. Of course, they hated her.

She had to get out of there. She had to wake up from this. But she tripped over a stone on the soil of the yard and she fell down on the soil. They laughed. They laughed and they surrounded her and caught her and slammed her against the back wall of the building and-

“NATHALIE!”

A familiar voice snapped her out of it. Nathalie looked up to see Hange. A worried look on her face as she pressed a handkerchief beneath Nathalie’s nose to keep the uncontrollable blood that was running own her nostrils. Nathalie parted her lips to say something. She wanted to thank her, but then the pain on her head stung harshly and Nathalie let out a loud wince.

“A- Are you okay?! You look bad! You- You were screaming, what happened, are you-”

“I’m fine!” Nathalie snapped rudely, but then she realised how harshly she had said it. “I- I- I’m sorry, I need to be alone, p- please don’t follow me,”

Nathalie rushed away. She had to get in her room. She had to reach her quarters fast enough before she started losing it again. She had to be left alone. She had to clean up the blood off her nostrils, her hands, her shirt. She had messed up, hadn’t she? She only hoped no one had seen or heard her. She was going insane, and she wasn’t making a good job of hiding it.

Nathalie rushed into her room, shutting the door behind and rushed to the bathroom. She looked at her reflection in the mirror that wasn’t matching her current state.

“Fuck!” Of course, the mirror did not match her. Of course, she was seeing things. She should just break every mirror she had in her quarters.

The woman in the mirror laughed at her. “You think you can escape from me?”

“Shut up!” Nathalie punched the mirror once, twice, thrice, again and again till her knuckles were bleeding and the mirror was nothing but shattered pieces, fragments falling everywhere, on her sink, in her bleeding fist that radiated with pain, but it was nothing compared to the pain in her head. Her forehead stung harshly. Nathalie clutched on her temple. She buried her fingers in her hair clutching onto them as she groaned and winced loudly.

She crashed on her knees. She was losing it. She was certain that she was and there was no one that could help her. There was no one that could know about this. She had to fight this on her own. She had to fight her mind because there was no one who could help her. No one.

She was sinking before she knew it. It was like the floor was opening up to draw her in and eat her up and bury her. Take the control from her. Someone else was to take over her body. Her demons. Her other personality. She was going insane. Nathalie was scratching something on the wooden floor with her fingers. She scratched a word with her nails. She tore her nails from her skin, and it hurt so much, all she wanted to do was shriek in pain, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t stop. She had to scratch this particular word for somebody to see. Anybody. She messed up her fingers in the process. There was now this bloody word on her wooden floor and ruined, broken nails all the way to the flesh, and blood seeping from her fingers.

Her hands shook and she looked down at her handiwork.

Help. That was the word. Help. She wanted to scream it, but she couldn’t. Nobody could help her win a battle that took place inside her very mind. Nathalie buried her face in her hands. She dug her fingers in her hair and she shut her eyes. The screams inside her mind got louder and louder. Unbearable. Ear piercing screams and she winced and set off to do it again. Scratching the same word on the floor over and over till the wounds on the tips of her fingers were pouring with blood and stinging in unbearable pain. At least pain should keep her distracted.

That’s it. Pain. Pain was going to distract her. Nathalie looked around her, searching for something sharp. A knife, a lancet, scissors. Anything. She needed pain. She needed something to keep her distracted.

“Accept me,”

“No!”

“You don’t have a choice. We’re the same, Nathalie,”

“I’m nothing like you,”

“Let me in,”

“STOP! Get out of my mind!” She wept and clutched a hand in her hair. “Please, leave me alone… please… please…” She shut her eyes tightly and she pulled on her hair enough to hurt.

“I’m not going anywhere,”

Fingers wrapped tightly around her throat and picked her up of the floor as if she weighed nothing. Nathalie gasped for air but the grip around her throat tightened and then she looked at her captor. It was herself. A distorted version of herself. Her eyes widened. No. None of this was real. She could breathe. There was no hand around her throat. Nathalie shut her eyes. She didn’t want to look at the familiar woman. It wasn’t real. None of this is real. This woman only looked like her. This woman was a stranger. Nathalie gasped for air again. Her lungs starting to be deprived of oxygen. She was going to suffocate.

There was something so fucked up with her brain. Something so wrong and broken and she was going to suffocate to death if she did not fight this off.

“Who will save you?! No one can save you from me,” The creature growled as it tugged her close. Now its eyes were a pitch-black all over that was starting to spread and Nathalie would’ve screamed at the sight of it, but she was running out of air and was beginning to feel light-headed.

No. Nathalie wasn’t going to give up to this. Nathalie lifted one of her dangling feet and she kicked the woman away with a powerful hit. Nathalie landed back down on the floor, coughing, and drawing deep breaths trying to replace all the oxygen that she had missed. But she had no time. She had to hurry. The creature stood back up and was rushing to her. Nathalie had to hurry.

She grabbed the scissors that stood atop her sink and stabbed it right into the palm of her hand, pinning her hand on the sink. She shrieked in pain, but the creature was gone. She split up muscles and tissue and tendons, but it worked. And blood came gushing out, making a mess all over her white sink, but it had worked. Nathalie looked around her. She was alone at last. She breathed hard and her throat felt sore, and her arms were trembling. She was still clutching on the back of the scissors as she looked down at her stabbed palm and confusion started to take over.

It all felt like a nightmare. A bad dream that she had just woken up from. She couldn’t understand why her hand was in pain. She couldn’t find out why she would use the scissors to inflict pain on herself. What was happening? Nathalie looked up at the mirror and she couldn’t understand why she couldn’t see herself in the mirror. She saw some other woman with red eyes and black hair and black clothes and pale skin. She saw someone else. Why wasn’t she seeing herself? Why was her mirror broken? What had just happened?

Her memory felt blank.

Nathalie looked down at her bleeding hand. “What… what am I doing?”

What was happening? She couldn’t tell. She had no idea. Nathalie had never felt so confused in her life. She looked back at the distorted reflection in the mirror.

“Who… am I?”

༻◊۞◊༺

“There’s something wrong. VERY wrong,” Hange paced around. “I’m going after her-” Hange tried to walk out of the lab only for Moblit to get in the way and stop her from walking any further.

“She asked to be alone,” Moblit tried to reason but Hange pushed him out of the way anyway.

“She did not look good, Mobby, I’ve never seen her bleed out so much. I’ll just… check up on her. Plus, Erwin wants to talk to her,” Hange rushed towards Nathalie’s room. She had known Nathalie for so long. Something was wrong. She knew it. She was certain. Hange knocked on Nathalie’s door. “Are you okay in there?” She called out and Nathalie opened the door far faster than she was expecting her to.

Nathalie looked great. An unphased look on her face. That small kind smile on her lips, but she had changed her clothes, she had wiped the blood away. She didn’t look as stressed and worked up as she did just a few minutes ago. Nathalie looked great. She looked good and Hange felt genuinely confused.

“Of course. Anything I can help you with?”

Okay, that was so not Nathalie. But Hange chose to ignore it. “E- Erwin just asked to have a word with you a- and, uh well-”

“I should see him then,” Nathalie walked out of her quarters and made her way to Erwin’s office. Hange sighed heavily. There was certainly something wrong and she had no idea what. Maybe it was the fact that Nathalie was dressed in utter black? A long black skirt, a black shirt. No, maybe it was still because of her parents’ death, even though it had been enough time since that day. It would justify her to stop wearing black.

But Hange did not miss that tiny little detail. Her right hand was bandaged. It was bandaged all the way up to the tips of her fingers and Hange arched an eyebrow. What was wrong with her arm? She didn’t have that bandage just a few seconds ago when she found her in the lab. Why would she bandage her arm all over? What had happened to her?

“Wait, what’s wrong with your hand?” Hange asked and Nathalie stopped walking. She kept her back on her for a few more seconds than she normally would have.

“I took it too far with the training, I guess?” Nathalie looked genuinely confused as she brought her bandaged arm up and she looked at it. She didn’t even remember bandaging it. She didn’t even remember why her fingers were in pain right now. Nathalie finally turned and gave Hange a casual smile. “I shouldn’t keep the Commander waiting,” she said before she continued walking down the hall towards Erwin’s office.

Hange wasn’t buying it. There was more to it. Nathalie was lying but it was odd. Naturally, Nathalie was a terrible liar, but this time, she had almost managed to convince her that she was saying the truth. Hange wouldn’t let this slide. She would look into it.

There was more to it. More than Nathalie was letting out.

Had somebody harmed her? Was it Erwin? No. Erwin would never harm her.

Was it herself? Why would she harm herself? What motive could she possibly have in inflicting pain on herself? Hange turned and looked at the door of her quarters. If she went in, would she find some evidence of what had happened? Hange knew it was against all of the rules of personal privacy that they had set, and she shouldn’t be snooping around her room, but she did it anyway. She made sure Nathalie and no one else was in the halls right now and she turned and headed for Nathalie’s quarters.

Hange walked in and everything looked normal. She searched for spiky objects, and she found none. She walked in the bathroom and the only odd thing about it was the new matt that she had laid on the wooden floor. There was nothing wrong about that. Maybe Hange was overthinking.

Hange walked out of the quarters. Her suspicions, her worries, erased.

Notes:

Oh and if you're wondering how did Hange not see the broken mirror? Well, Nathalie never broke the mirror. It all happened inside her mind 😁

Chapter 45: Twisted 🟥

Notes:

Watch me blowing holes in the ErwinNat MUAHAHAHA 😈😈😈

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE AWESOME SUPPORT 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥰🥰🥰

Devil Inside of Me (Spotify Link)

I can feel you thinking

"One more kiss is all I need from this"

Do you crave me,
or am I just your escape?

From the darkness
that resides inside your brain

Call me devil baby,
but you know the truth

The only thing that
you fear is you (It's you)

I become your medication
Get off on numb sensation
Know every single weakness
Breaking you down to pieces

This devil digs deeper down inside of me
Will you get out of me?
Will you get out of me?!

Nathalie entered Erwin’s office after knocking first and she found him by that green board that hung by his wall. It’s where he would usually write down his plans, his strategies. It helped him think. It was far easier to come up with brilliant strategies that way. Nathalie arched an eyebrow as she approached him. She crossed her arms against her chest as she stood beside him and stared at the green board. He had written down with his white chalk and his pristine handwriting everything that they had figured out so far.

“You asked for me?” Nathalie asked and Erwin sighed heavily.

He let down the chalk and he made his way back to his desk. He crashed to his chair and ran a hand through his messy golden hair. “I am to meet with the higher ups in half an hour and I am to explain why Stohess, and hundreds of lives are ruined because of us,”

Nathalie looked at him – at that desperate look on his face that he was trying so hard to hide. He already had in mind what to say, but what if it wasn’t enough? He was going to reveal what they had learned so far – not everything, but the things that he could reveal. The fact that the walls are made of titans. The fact that there are titan-shifters and that they managed to catch an enemy spy at the expense of a city, yes, the cost was high, but that was a very dangerous person, and they caught her, and all those reasons made perfect sense to be important, but what if they weren’t enough?

“You’re stressed. You’re panicking. You think it won’t suffice. You think they’re going to get Eren from us and kill him. You think all the sacrifices you’ve made so far and all those plans that killed so many people are going to lead to nothing,” Nathalie said harshly. It was the harsh truth and she spat it right into his face. It wasn’t like her to do that. Nathalie would always pass on the right message, but she would pass it on the right way.

Making him stress up about it even more, certainly, wasn’t the right way.

There’s no right or wrong way if they both passed on the same message. You’re a failure. A genius failure. Nah, that’d be too harsh if she said it.

Nathalie took the chalk and began writing on the board. “You have five points here that you’re going to present, and let’s pretend each one of them count as a small five percent, which makes it twenty-five percent if you add them all up. But considering they already know everything that you’re going to say that you have ‘discovered’, let’s just cut this twenty-five to nineteen,” Nathalie turned and looked at him. “You have 19% chance to succeed in convincing them to stop from sinking the entire Survey Corps,”

Erwin groaned and crossed his arms against his chest. “Is that supposed to help me?” He arched an eyebrow. She was starting to get on his nerves, and she could tell.

“I’m not done, darling,” Nathalie wrote down on the board. “Considering between giving you a blowjob or riding you on that chair right now, which one would help increase your chances the most?”

Erwin was absolutely certain he hadn’t heard right. His ears must have been failing him. Had she actually just said- “Wha-”

“The blowjob. Predictable,” Nathalie frowned. “Let’s say it adds twenty percent, and let me add your surprisingly good convincing skills, because if anyone can fool people into killing themselves for the sake of a hopeless cause, it’s you, so let’s guess that adds at least sixty percent to your success rate. You know what your total is? 110% if you round it up. And to answer your previous question-”

“Stop, Nathalie!” Erwin growled. If anyone can fool people into killing themselves for the sake of a hopeless cause, it’s you. What the hell had gotten into her? He knew that. He knew he already had so many lives on his shoulders, but she was achieving nothing by getting on his nerves right now. He was already stressed, and she wasn’t helping. She was supposed to be helping. Nathalie always helped. She always did, what had happened this time?

She merely chuckled in amusement. “Am I getting on your nerves? Good,” She approached him. That was the point of this entire conversation. If he was too focused at being angry at her, then he’d forget all about why he was stressed. “Oh! I forgot a grand talent of yours to add. Manipulation,” She wrote down on the board. “Oh, would you look at that. 200% success. Doesn’t look to me like you should be worried-”

A gasp escaped from her lips as he grabbed her hand and twisted her to turn and look at him. He slammed her back against the green board and he pinned her hand at the level of her head.

“I didn’t call you in here to be a brat and piss me off,” He growled.

Hot breath met her face, and she gave him a smile of utter amusement. “No, you called me here to keep you distracted and that’s exactly what I’m doing,”

It was surprising how she held up against him. How she snickered in amusement and got on his nerves even more. Usually, Nathalie would have been scared of him by now. She would have cowered away and submitted to his will, but he found, that he liked it better like this. She was there to distract him, and she was doing such a good job. A few minutes back, he wanted to crawl back in some corner and curl up and never come out, but now? Now he wanted to teach her a lesson. Now he wanted to face those people and give them the facts and prove them that the Survey Corps was the most important regiment of them all.

But then he noticed her arm was bandaged. It was the arm that he held against the board beside her. There were red tints of blood that had managed to sneak out of the many layers of white bandage. If it had reached all the way out to show, then she must have been bleeding a lot on her open palm. He forgot everything. That smirk on her lips. That unphased look on her pale face. The reasons why he was so stressed about. He forgot everything.

He let go of her and brought her arm up to look at it. “What happened to your hand?” He asked. He almost looked worried.

“Uh well, you know, the usual training of me punching a punching bag and imagining it being your face,” Nathalie shrugged.

Erwin arched an eyebrow. She was making absolutely no sense. What the hell? “The usual, huh?”

“Yeah, fantasizing about punching you, it’s some kind of self-healing. I do it regularly,” Her smirk grew and he scoffed. What the hell was wrong with her? She had never been so out of character before. She pouted in a mocking manner, and she leaned close enough to brush her lips against his own. “Am I doing something wrong, Commander?” She purred. “I thought a bad, insensitive man like you would fit well with an insensitive, bad, bad girl,” 

His hand found her neck. Large thick fingers wrapped around her throat, but her smirk did not waver and a smirk of his own was beginning to form on his lips. A bad insensitive man. He was one. He was just glad she had figured it out. She had finally accepted that the man that she loved was a bad man who had led so many of his comrades to death. But he wouldn’t mind dragging her into that sin even though, he would never do that. He would never wish for her sleepless nights and ghosts of fallen comrades and friends haunting her.

But if she wanted it – who was he to stop her from getting what she wanted?

She wanted to be a bad, ruthless, insensitive, terrible woman? It was only such a woman that would get along with him. Nathalie was too good. She was too nice, too kind, and gentle and sweet and lovable. But he was going to strip her off of everything good she still had on her soul. He was going to corrupt her and turn her to the woman that he wouldn’t feel bad about leaving spent and exhausted on his bed in the nights. He wouldn’t feel guilty about never telling her how he felt. There would be no guilt for every time that he’d hurt her. He’d hurt her over and over and he wouldn’t feel like the villain of the story because she would hurt him just as much.

That was the relationship that he could handle because it wasn’t a relationship – it was a menace, and if anything, Erwin knew how to handle a menace better than anyone.

“On your knees,”

Nathalie sank down on her knees, eyes never leaving his own. She knew he liked it. She knew that was exactly what he wanted. He wanted somebody just like him. Nathalie was never heartless until a few minutes ago. Now? Now she was a calamity. A beautiful angel that fell from the gates of heaven right into the depths of hell to worship the devil. A blonde, blue-eyed, gorgeous devil that can be so easily mistaken as a God. But he was so far from that.

She couldn’t believe it had taken her so long to realise it.

But there was no hiding that she hadn’t done this before. She hadn’t tried this with Levi, and this was the first time she was about to do it with Erwin. But how hard can it be? It wasn’t too difficult to please a man. All men wanted one thing and one thing only. She knew exactly what Erwin wanted – he wanted a woman that could make him feel like an idiot. And she could handle that alright.

She parted her pretty lips for him to tap his hard cock after freeing it from the confines of his pants. She sucked on the tip licking on the salty precum that lingered there before taking the entirety of his big fat cock in her mouth till the tip reached the back of her throat. She sucked hard, tightening her wet, hot mouth around him and Erwin had to bite his tongue to keep back a grunt.

He never expected her to be good at this. She hadn’t done this before, had she? Erwin did not try to figure it out. She was doing it well and she was putting effort to it, his obedient girl. Eager to suck his dick with fervour and please him to no end. He gathered her short brown hair within his fists and kept them away from her face. He tucked her glasses away from her face and placed them aside on a nearby piece of furniture. His hips twitched against her mouth as his cock found the back of her throat and she gagged. Her pretty throat convulsed around him, and she pulled him in and out at a steady pace. The wet sounds of her mouth around him were loud and sinful, and drools of saliva were making a mess on her a shirt, a puddle on the floor.

So good to him. “Good girl,” He let out a throaty grunt. She took his balls in her mouth whilst she worked him fast with her good hand. “Fuck,” She was going to make him cum, and she had just started. Erwin brought his foot between her legs. He caught her face with his hand. Large fingers dug on her tender cheeks. Flushed skin and swollen wet lips parted for him as she looked up at him. He petted her messy hair with his large palm whilst she panted hard. “Want to cum? I bet you’re so desperate to cum,”

He pulled on her hair, guiding her to sit right on top of his boot. The hard brown leather of his boot nudged over her clit, and she hissed. Nathalie pulled up her skirt and she clutched on his leg with her arms to steady herself on her knees.

“That’s it,” He guided his cock back into her mouth and she began moving. “That’s all you get. Cum over by boot or don’t cum at all,” His fingers fisted in her hair as he began moving her head all over the length of his cock until he was fucking her throat hard and fast. His sweet girl. His sweet little toy. So obedient. She humped his boot like a desperate bitch in heat whilst he used her mouth. That was all she was. She wasn’t important to him. She was just another woman that he was going to use and he would eventually kick her out of his life.

And it just felt so good.

She humped his boot like there was no tomorrow. It felt so, so good. So sinful and humiliating and degrading of her to accept the only ounce of affection that he would ever give her. This wasn’t even affection. This was manipulation. But she was loving it. He fucked her mouth and she let him. She humped his boot because it was the only thing he’d give her. He asked her to cum right there, with minimal stimulation. With nothing.

Well, she’d certainly have to put on a show.

Erwin came in her mouth. Hot salty cum spilled down her throat and she swallowed all of it. He grunted as he pulled out of her mouth. He didn’t spare a look down at her. He tucked his cock back in his pants and fixed his belt. He made a pathetic effort to put his hair back to place, before he headed off for the door, grabbing his coat from the coat-stand.

“Need to go. Clean up the mess,”

This was all that he said before walking out of the room and closing the door behind. And she was left right there, on the floor. Knees bruised, lips swollen. The taste of his cum still in her mouth. A mess of saliva on her shirt, on the floor, and her core aching for attention. But that was all the attention that she was going to get from him.

Nathalie sat back on the floor. Her back met the wall behind her. She parted her pretty legs and pulled up the annoying fabric of her skirt. A hand reached straight down for her drenched clit, rubbing down hard, and pushing two of her lithe fingers inside of her. It wasn’t enough. Not one bit, but it should suffice for now. She found her sensitive spot and tapped it with the tips of her fingers, and she imagined it was his cock. She imagined his cock splitting her body in half and fucking her senseless till all she could think about was him.

Him. Him. Him. She was so obsessed with him. She mumbled his name as she threw her head back against the wall and her body arched. She threw her aching, wounded hand on the floor to steady herself as she fucked herself with her fingers and imagined him there, fucking her, holding her, kissing her. Calling her his. She would never get any of that. All she could do was imagine. But it worked for her. It worked for now. For the urgency to cum and make a mess on his floor and clean it up for him because he had asked. Anybody could have walked in right now and seen her. She wasn’t putting any effort into hiding her sounds.

She let out all the pretty moans that she knew he’d like. She let out the sounds that she knew would drive him mad. But he wasn’t there, and it didn’t matter, because he was never going to be there for her. Never. Never. Never.

Nathalie came hard around her pumping fingers. Her legs shook and snapped closed around her hand and she let out the filthiest gasp, but he wasn’t there to hear it. She smirked to herself. His loss.

She came down her high and pulled out her slick fingers. She looked at the wet mess she had made, and she was almost tempted to leave it like that. She didn’t though. As much as she liked a creative way to pass on a message, she found those floors sexier when clean.

Nathalie stood up on wobbly legs and she chuckled.

I hate him.

She shrugged.

But I don’t hate his cock.

Chapter 46: Choke

Notes:

This chap is kinda insane LMAO TYSM ALL OF YOU WHO COMMENT AND LEAVE KUDOS AND READ THIS ALREADY HUGE FIC nfdbghjekm THANK U YOU MAKE MY LIFE BETTER LMAO

Y'ALL I found the PERFECT Nathalie

Ingrid Bergman as Nathalie Burgess

"With the world crumbling, we pick this time to fall in love."

- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)

Choke - Royal & the Serpent (Spotify Link)

You are a shadow
Following me where I go
I'd be better without you
What are you doing to me?

I'm suffocating
Don't know how to explain it
But I feel like I'm fading
What are you doing to me?

You've been putting me through hell
I should really run for help
I'd leave you for someone else
Too bad you can't leave yourself

Loosen your grip before I choke
Can't catch my breath, I'm gonna choke
I wish that you'd just let me go
I don't want this, I promise, just leave me alone

Loosen your grip before I...

Beg you for mercy
'Cause my vision is blurry
I'm afraid you could hurt me
What are you doing to me?

Try to escape it
I don't know if I'll make it
'Cause my body is breaking
What are you doing to me?

“No,” Erwin turned it down sharply. “You’re staying here. I need you,”

Nathalie huffed. “But it’s boring here,” She looked at him, all unphased and distracted with his paperwork. He didn’t even pay a look at her since the moment she barged into his office unannounced.

Nathalie had been so blunt lately. She didn’t really seem to care about anything. She experimented so well on her new titan test subjects and whilst Hange was crying like a maniac whilst hurting them, Nathalie seemed to have drawn some kind of sick satisfaction from it. But there was no saying how effective she had been. Nathalie had given him ideas about his plans and his strategies that he hadn’t explored before. She had managed to convince him that all those soldiers that had died under his command, they had consensually done it. There was nothing to be guilty about. He was just doing his job as a Commander. Maybe wasting a few more lives was not much of a problem. Nathalie was already working out a plan to overthrow the king, and Erwin had to admit that it was fucking brilliant.

But she had stopped to care. She didn’t care about anything. They would fuck like animals, and she didn’t seem to seek for his affection, his kisses, his touches. No, it was all just carnal pleasure, and she was out of his office the second it was done. She had changed. She really had. Sometimes he wondered whether that woman was really the same woman that he knew.

“You don’t need me. You can handle a few weeks without a fuck,” Nathalie shrugged, and he sighed.

Yes. Blunt. She had never been so blunt in her life, and he knew it and he found it so weird and odd. He couldn’t explain it. “Miche can handle looking after the 104^th for a few weeks, and you-”

“I could use some time away from you,” Nathalie laughed, and he pulled his attention away from the paperwork and he looked up at her at that look on her face that was so, so, sickeningly genuine.

Did she really mean that? It didn’t really look like she cared about his reaction to her words. It didn’t look like she cared whether it hurt him or not to tell him that. She didn’t care. It was that simple. But Nathalie used to care. Nathalie used to chase after every chance she could get to spend an extra second with him. Nathalie would stay up till so very late in the nights, falling asleep on his shoulder, just because she wanted to be there with him.

What the hell had happened to her? Did they do something to her when they abducted her?

“Love comes and goes, darling,”

Or maybe it was just that. Maybe she just fell out of love for him, and she indeed no longer cared. And there was no way that he was going to show how much that saddened him.

“Fine,” Erwin said, turning his attention back on the paperwork and pretending to be unphased by all of this, even though he wasn’t. “Dismissed,”

“Want a last fuck before I leave?” Nathalie asked halfway the door and he sighed heavily once more.

“Just leave,”

Nathalie shrugged before walking out the room and closing the door behind. It was almost too easy to ignore it – that small part of her that was trying to break free. The part that Erwin would recognise. Just a weak little woman trying to break free from the confines of her mind. Just a worthless woman that could do nothing but watch her other self whilst she destroyed everything. She destroyed whatever she had with Erwin. She destroyed those fundamental things that made Nathalie who she was. That gentleness was gone and replaced with cruelty and violence, and impulsiveness.

But maybe it was a better, flawless, more effective version of herself. Nathalie made her way to her room to pack her stuff. She was riding outside of Trost and to the outskirts of Wall Rose in mere minutes. She wanted to get away. She could not deny it. She wanted to escape. For a little while at least.

Miche and his squad had already been away for a few weeks and Nathalie settled into the other building right away.

Here she was now, staring at her reflection in the mirror of the room that she was temporarily living in. Her fingers were fisted so hard, she could feel her nails digging on her palms, making them bleed. The woman in her mirror was trying to break free. She was trying to break the mirror, the walls that she had built inside her mind, and break free, and take over again. She screamed and thrashed and messed up her knuckles, now bloody and bruised from punching the mirror. A mirror that wouldn’t break.

A bang came on her door. “Nat,” It was Miche. “It’s time for our patrol,”

Nathalie ignored the screams inside her mind, and she nodded. “I’m coming,”

She walked to the door, ignoring the blood that sipped out of the wounds that she had been digging with her nails on the palms of her hands. She walked alongside Miche within the hall that was going to lead them outside the building. It was nearly afternoon, and the sun was still high and hot in the sky. Miche’s nose twitched at the familiar smell.

He looked down at her fisted arms and his hand reached down, catching her wrist, and bringing her bloody arm up to look at it. She was only digging her nails deeper and deeper in the sensitive, bleeding skin of her palm. She should have been shrieking in pain, but the look on her face was unphased. There was no trace of discomfort whatsoever.

“Are you okay?” Miche asked worriedly. He grinned. “I hope this isn’t stress caused by a certain someone,” he said, hinting on Erwin. He was more than willing to learn everything that was going on between her and his best friend.

“More like insanity,” Nathalie said, and she really wasn’t kidding, but he laughed anyway. She had fooled him that she was being sarcastic. Miche resumed their walking and let go of her hand.

“He has that effect on people,” He chuckled. “Still, you should get that patched up,” he advised.

“I’ll be fine,”

༻◊۞◊༺

“Seriously, there’s nothing going on… between you two?”

Nathalie rolled her eyes. She had come here for the last two weeks just because she wanted to avoid any thoughts or words about Erwin, and all Miche did was ask about it. She turned her back to leave. She would let him do their daily patrol on his own. She was pretty sure she could find Nanaba and fill in for her. Nathalie was certain she’d be more than glad to do that.

The kids in the 104^th seemed like good kids. Nathalie found no evidence to point a finger to the other spies, but honestly? She didn’t really care. She had enough problems of her own. Things hadn’t gotten better with her mind, but she had at least learned living with it. She was surprised Miche hadn’t figured her out yet. He definitely had a hunch that there was something wrong with her, but he couldn’t find himself to get to the bottom of it. Nathalie was unreadable. An indifferent look on her face almost permanently. She barely spoke. Barely walked out of her quarters unless when needed to.

“If we’re gonna have the same conversation we have every afternoon, then I’d rather go do something worth my time,” Nathalie turned around to get off the tower, but he caught her hand and urged her to turn and look at him.

“Fine! Fine, I’ll stop asking,” Miche raised his arms in surrender.

Some much needed silence fell between them, and Nathalie sighed as she stared ahead at the mountains and valleys of Wall Rose that spread in the distance. It all felt nice and normal until her stomach began to churn. Nathalie recognised the feeling all too well. It was the feeling she had first gotten when she watched comrades die in her very first Expedition so long ago, but now she didn’t really have a reason to feel disgusted and wanting to throw up.

Unless…

Nathalie clamped a hand around her lips, and she sent the hook of her ODM to a nearby wall so that she could maneuver herself away from the tower and back to the ground.

“I’m taking five,” she said hastily as she maneuvered back to the ground and Miche arched an eyebrow as he watched her. She threw a hand against another wall, and she began vomiting. Miche’s eyes widened as he followed her, and the realisation hit him.

“Oh shit,”

That was bad. That was really bad. Could she be pregnant? To Erwin’s child? Right now? No. Not now. Now, that her relationship with Erwin was bad and non-existent. Now, that her mind was driving her insane and she was spiralling towards insanity. She couldn’t have a child now. She couldn’t be a proper mother. Not when the world was dangerous and full of enemies that were about to attack their little island any moment. No. Not now. Erwin would kick her out of his life. He would force her out of her job and keep her in some house as his sweet little housewife. Erwin did not want children. He could barely handle being with her – having something with her no matter what that was, and how bad it was. Erwin had the world on his shoulders.

Not this. She couldn’t add to this.

“Here,” Miche handed her his handkerchief and she used it to wipe her lips. Miche sighed and settled his hands on his waist. He wasn’t oblivious. He knew what it meant. “One thing’s for sure. He’s gonna be thrilled,” Miche said sarcastically.

“He mustn’t find out,” Nathalie said hoarsely, and his eyes widened.

“You can’t keep that from him,” Miche frowned. He knew Erwin wouldn’t like it, but he had to know. It was his right to know. “If you won’t tell him, I will,”

“I’ll tell him when I make sure of it,” Nathalie insisted. Still, it couldn’t be sure. She had been taking the pills he had given her, but God knows how effective they could be. She could still be pregnant. She hadn’t had her period but that was only because the pills she had been taking had fucked up with her cycle. Still, she had to ran herself a test the moment she’d get back to their labs. For now, she just wished it was food poisoning, or something else, anything else.

Miche parted his lips to speak, but he stopped himself when he sensed it. They both did. His eyes widened and his blood ran cold. He was hearing footsteps. He could sense them and so could she as she turned and looked at him with wide eyes in terror. No. Not now. He had to protect her. She was his best friend’s woman. She was carrying his best friend’s child. He had to make sure. Maybe his senses were failing him. He knew his instincts were never misplaced no matter the situation.

Shit.

Miche maneuvered back to the tower and pressed his hand on the wall to feel the vibrations. He turned to the direction it was coming from. The trees, moving and creaking in the distance and then they showed up. Titans inside Wall Rose. He turned and looked at Nathalie who was standing beside him. Her heart thrummed hard beneath her chest. Not now. Not now. Nathalie’s hands began to shake. Not now.

Miche caught her shaky hand, restricting the shaky movement. “Tomas!” He turned at the young man as his squad gathered on the tower. “You and Nathalie head back and warn the others. Titans have breached Wall Rose!”

“I’m staying,” Nathalie insisted.

“Hell no, you’re not,” Miche growled. “You go back to safety for more reasons than one,”

༻◊۞◊༺

Miche had a plan. It was going to work well if things went as planned. He left his squad to buy them some time. The titans had started moving towards them at great speeds. He could not risk it. Those kids had to live. They were the future of the Survey Corps. And he couldn’t imagine in case one of those titans went after Nathalie. Nathalie was more important – not because she was pregnant to his best friend’s child, but because she was a Burgess. The last one. The only one who could end this. She shouldn’t even be at the field. But she was. She had refused to stay behind the desk even when Erwin first suggested it upon finding out her importance.

Erwin would never force anything on her, but he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t considered it. And now, if he found out about this, he was going to force her out of the field. And Nathalie knew it. She knew Erwin. She was important to his plans. She may not have been important to him at all – or so she thought – but she was important to his plans, and he was going to keep her safe, especially now that she had another little Burgess-Smith inside of her.

It's not sure. Nathalie tried to convince herself as she rode a few metres behind Tomas. I may not be pregnant. She had nothing to make her sure of it. It could be anything else. I can’t be pregnant right now.

“Holy shit!” Tomas cried out as he turned and looked at a kind of titan that he had never before seen. Nathalie turned and looked at it. She recognised it. Big and covered in fur, representing a primate. Her eyes widened. The Beast Titan and it was heading directly to the HQ that they had left behind. “What do we do, ma’am!?” Tomas asked, terrified.

Nathalie pursed her lips. They had no choice, and there was no way she was letting a younger soldier fight whilst she could do it herself. She was older. She had more experience. She was high ranked. She was skilled.

“Go. Deliver the message. I’ll handle this one,” Nathalie ordered, and the man nodded and continued riding ahead whilst she reversed her horse and headed straight for the Beast.

She had no idea how she was going to handle this. She could maybe talk to the Beast – to the man that was stirring it. It must have been a Marleyan soldier, and Marley and she had made a deal. Marley needed her. This man wouldn’t kill her. He could harm her at most, but it wouldn’t be lethal.

Nathalie found the Beast cornering Miche to the roofs of the HQ. He was surrounded by titans and the Beast, and one had grabbed him and was about to toss him into its mouth. Nathalie rode beneath the beast, and she loaded her swords. She lifted herself up on the saddle and jumped on the titan that held Miche. She sliced its nape and then she headed straight for the other, and then the other. She slaughtered them both fast and precise and Miche was left down on the soil. She landed in front of him and threw her sword protectively over him urging him to get behind.

“What do you want?!” Nathalie demanded looking up at the beast.

“Interesting skills you got there, Dr Burgess,” The beast spoke. “Alas, I was hoping to leave no survivors today,”

“If you want to kill him, you’re gonna have to go through me first,” Nathalie said and Miche pulled himself back up on his feet. She was going to get herself killed if she kept it up.

“Nathalie, stop,” Miche said even though, there wasn’t much that he could do. The Beast had already taken his ODM. He was armless.

“No matter. I got what I was here for,” The Beast stood back up straight, and he turned around and began walking away.

“What are you doing here?! You should be back to HQ by now,” Miche growled as he grabbed her shoulders and urged her to turn and look at him.

“You would’ve died,” Nathalie tried to reason.

“It doesn’t matter, you need to go back,” Miche insisted, and she looked down, searching for his ODM but it was gone.

“He took your ODM,” Nathalie pointed out, effectively changing the subject. Miche sighed and he nodded.

“He was after it,” He made his way towards the building. He was certain he could find a spare ODM, gas and blades. He had to gear up. They had to find the others. “What would the Beast want with our ODM gear anyway?” He asked and she followed him inside the HQ and into the armoury.

“I don’t know. But I have a feeling that Wall Rose hasn’t been breached,” Nathalie crossed her arms against her chest and she watched him strap on his body another ODM that he found.

“You’re right. If it was, we wouldn’t been swarmed by titans by now. These were only nine of them,” Miche said and she nodded. “Still, that gives you more chances to leave,” He turned and looked at her as she settled down on a nearby bench and she looked down on herself. Could she really be having a little life inside of her right now? One that held both a part of her and a part of the man that she loved dearly.

The realisation hit her. She loved Erwin. She loved him so much, then how the hell could she forget about this? Why the hell had she treated him so cold and unforgiving. Feelings come and go, darling. She had been so mean. I could use some time away from you. So cold and mean and unaffectionate. What had happened to her? It was her other self that had taken over, wasn’t it? Nathalie shouldn’t have been able to diagnose herself and find out what was wrong about herself and what wasn’t. She shouldn’t have been able to remember what her other self had done, or what it was. But she could. She could figure it out. She could remember. Maybe that was only because she was a Burgess.

Maybe that’s how all the other Burgesses locked themselves in an asylum. They diagnosed themselves. They could tell what was wrong. They could put a name and a label on it.

There’s nothing going on between me and Erwin. We’re just fucking. Had she really said that? I could really use some time away from you. Had she really told him that? Oh God, it was taking over. And she was pregnant to his child. Nathalie pressed a hand to her belly. She had longed for this for so long, she couldn’t believe that now that she had reached this moment of carrying Erwin’s child – she was terrified. She didn’t want it because what was he going to say? What was he going to do? She couldn’t tell. Maybe he’d push her away. Maybe she’d never see him again. Maybe he'd force her to resign, and he’d kick her out of his life because she was an issue. She was problem, and she was carrying another little problem that would aim to make his life a worse hell than it already was.

Nathalie felt scared more than any other moment in her life. She pressed a hand to her belly, and she looked at a random spot in the room.

“Miche… when you asked me whether there’s something between Erwin and I… whatever I said, I didn’t mean it,” Nathalie buried her face in her hands. What was she going to do?

Her parents were no longer alive. She had no home to go back to. The Survey Corps HQ was the only home that she had. Erwin was going to abandon her. Erwin was never going to be there because he never had been. She was alone in this, just like she was alone in everything else. She was alone in the battle inside her mind. She was alone in her deal with Marley. She was alone against all titans that terrorised the entire world. She was alone. She was alone in this relationship. Erwin would never join her in the idea of a family and love and marriage. These all must have sounded so ridiculous to him. And she was dangerous. She wasn’t mentally well. She couldn’t raise a child on her own.

What am I going to do?

Nathalie wept against her hands, and she wiped away her tears. Desperation started to finally take over. But despite it all “I love him…” Nathalie said shakily, “…I love him so much, but he’ll never feel the same… at least he won’t let himself. He’ll never accept this. I can’t go back and tell him. He’s going to push me away… I’m alone, Miche… I’m alone,”

She truly sounded desperate. Miche had never seen her cry like that. He had never seen her break down so desperately. The first thing that Miche was going to do the second he’d get back, he’d punch this man across the face, because he had made her feel like he would abandon her the moment something like that would occur. He had made her feel so pointless to him. He made her feel like she meant nothing to him. There certainly was more to it. It was also Nathalie’s fault – or at least her other self’s fault. It was she who had suggested that deal in the first place. It was she who had offered to be his doll in exchange of her taking care of him.

It was a large and complicated circle that would keep repeating over and over.

“Hey,” Miche knelt down in front of her to come to her height. “You are not alone,” He wiped the tears off her cheeks with his large, rough knuckles. “And he loves you. He loves you so much, you can take my word for it, but he can be such a stubborn asshole sometimes,” Miche said, and she laughed wiping her tears away. “You don’t want to face him, fine. We’ll talk to him together when we get back,”

Nathalie let out a sigh of relief and she pulled him into a hug, burying her face in his shoulder. A small smile spread on his lips as he wrapped his arms around her tightly. “Thank you so much,” She said, grateful to have him.

Miche pulled back and grinned. “Now, let’s go save our kids,”

Notes:

Yeeeeeaaahhhhh she's pregnant

but don't get your hopes up ehehehehehehehehe

Chapter 47: Sacrifice

Notes:

Uh... this chap is wild, idk what I'm doing AHAHAHAAH

TYSM FOR READING AND COMMENTING 🥰🥰🥰🥰

Night had fallen, but the sunlight was enough to see where all those titans were heading to. A growl came from the wall and both Nathalie and Miche found the Beast sitting by Wall Rose and it almost looked like he was ordering the titans around. Nathalie’s eyes widened. For the Beast to be capable of ordering mindless titans around, then that could only mean that the one yielding the beast was of royal blood. No way. Could it be Grisha’s other child? Nathalie did not have time to speculate. The titans headed towards a castle that stood in the distance. The Beast smashed a boulder between his hands and tossed those rocks towards the castle.

“This is where they must be,” Miche shook the reins of his horse and he turned to head for the castle. “We need to hurry!”

“I’ll head for the beast,” Nathalie urged her horse to turn to the other direction and Miche’s eyes widened. There was no way he was letting her deal with the beast alone. Not in her current state. In different circumstances, he trusted that she could handle this, but he would not allow himself to be held responsible in case she lost his best friend’s child.

Alas, he just knew he’d make the coolest uncle.

“No!” He growled at her. “You’re not facing the beast alone. I’m not letting you,” Miche insisted urging her to turn and look at him.

“No one in this tower will survive if the Beast keeps ordering those titans to attack you. Not to mention the boulders,” Nathalie said. “Don’t worry. He won’t hurt me. He’s an Honorary Marleyan. Marley needs me. He won’t lay a finger on me,” Nathalie was almost relieved to see that she had almost convinced him.

Miche sighed heavily. He only hoped she was right. Marley needed her. The entire world needed her. It was Marleyan soldiers that had scavenged her body and treated her wounds the last time. She was right at that.

Miche nodded. “Be careful,”

“You too,” Nathalie gave him a smile as she watched him ride away in haste.

Nathalie turned her horse and looked at the Beast at the top of the wall. She couldn’t fight it. Not on her own at least. But she was already having a plan in mind. It was probably a terrible plan. She knew what Marley needed the most right now. It was herself. But she could threaten to take that away in order to make him stop. She couldn’t let those kids die. They were important. They were the youngest soldiers of the Survey Corps and not to mention Miche and his squad.

But my child. Nathalie’s hand found her belly. What was the point of it being here? How could she forgive herself if she brought a child into this mess of a world?

Nothing is sure.

You may not be pregnant.

That’s right. She wasn’t sure that she was. Still, Nathalie thought of some other way. She could cut through the beast. She could do it fast like she had seen Levi do it, but she could never match his speed. She could never fight like Levi could. Only Levi could handle this. Nathalie sighed heavily as she looked at the wall ahead of her that she was fast approaching. She loaded her blades on her handles and she pulled herself on her saddle. She sent a hook flying towards the wall and she pulled herself upwards. Hopefully he hadn’t heard her, or seen her. In his gigantic form, things must have looked slower from his perspective, so he probably wouldn’t get the chance to react to the movements of a smaller object.

Nathalie hooked herself on his leg and she dug her way upwards. She pulled herself up fast whilst cutting through his leg with her swords, and then, she hooked herself to the arm that he was placing a considerable amount of his weight on. She sliced off the fingers and she sliced her way up to his shoulder, his chest. She had to get for the eyes fast enough. She had to blind him and give herself some time.

The beast growled. He caught her with his other arm just in time. Nathalie let out a cry as he tightened his grip around her, and he pulled her away from him.

“Don’t meddle with me, Burgess,” The beast growled, and he tossed her back down on the surface of the wall.

Nathalie panted as she pulled herself back on her feet and she pulled out another pair of blades and she pointed one of them to Utgard Castle’s direction. “Let them go,” She growled.

“I don’t take orders from you,” The beast picked up another boulder and began smashing it. Nathalie’s eyes widened. She couldn’t let him take that throw.

“Then who do you take orders from?” He ignored her. “Alas, you’re a Yeager. It’s impossible for me to believe that you actually take orders from Marley,”

At that he stopped.

“Your father would’ve been proud of you,” Nathalie said. A triumphant smile on her lips as she realised, she had hit a nerve. She had actually figured it out. He was actually Grisha’s older son.

But he did what she least expected. He threw another set of rocks and boulders to the tower. She tensed up and her eyes widened when he growled for another set of titans to attack them. Nathalie prepared to attack him again, but he spoke.

“Don’t. You can’t beat me. And I don’t plan to kill you,”

That’s right.

Marley did not want him to kill her. They didn’t want to harm her whatsoever. She was important. She was important to them. She could take away just that. Nathalie looked at one of her swords and the idea struck her. The terrible idea. The only choice she had.

“Order your titans off of my squads, now,” Nathalie demanded.

“You’re in no position to be making demands, doctor,”

“Oh, I believe I am,”

Nathalie twisted one of her swords and with a swift move, she stabbed it right into her stomach. She let out a cry of pain and dropped on her knees and only then did the beast turn to look at her and his own eyes widened. Nathalie pressed a palm on the wide open wound on her lower belly. It stained her shirt, her clothes, her hand, her pants. It stained everything and the blood ran like a crimson, brilliant little river down her body. A shuddering pain spread all over her abdomen and she just knew it.

She had lost it.

She had lost her baby. She knew it. You may not be pregnant. Then why did it hurt so much? Maybe it was because of the unbearable pain that she knew that it was indeed true. She had just taken her child’s life. But the beast stopped throwing boulders. He stopped sending titans. He turned his attention entirely on her.

Nathalie closed her eyes. Exhaustion washed over her. Her tears didn’t even get the chance to slip down her cheeks. She was gone. Unconscious she crashed on the floor. Body limp and blood pooling beneath her. She was going to drown in her own blood. Her child’s blood. Nathalie felt exhausted. She wouldn’t mind dying with it, right here and now. She was so horrible. So terrible. What she had just done was beyond murder. She had killed her child. But she had saved the people on the tower because the beast had stopped. She had managed to save the other people.

But at what cost?

What was Erwin going to say?

No. He won’t ever find out. She was never going to tell him. Never.

Zeke cursed loudly and caught her in one gigantic palm. He jumped off the wall back within Wall Maria. She was insane to do that. She was insane to stab herself with her own sword just to stop him from killing a bunch of people that were meant to die anyway.

Zeke had almost forgot that all the Burgesses were just meant to be insane.  

༻◊۞◊༺

A few hours earlier

“Titans have breached Wall Rose!”

Erwin couldn’t believe this was happening. Right after they had caught the Female Titan and were so close to figuring out who her subordinates were, the enemy had breached Wall Rose conveniently now of all times? There was more to it. Marley was making another move. But why? Where they after Nathalie? Nathalie had reassured him that she had bought herself some time to stay with them. To figure things out.

And Nathalie was right there. Nathalie was at the very centre of this attack. Was she going to be okay? She was with Miche. Erwin was certain that Miche would protect her with his life. Miche was a dear friend to them both. She was going to be alright.

Right?

She was alive. Right?

“Need I remind you that Nathalie’s out there?”

Of course, that was the first thing Levi told him when he walked into Erwin’s office that same night. Erwin was assembling his squads to begin rescue and evacuation operations within Wall Rose.

“She’s with Miche,” Erwin said, and he pulled his green survey corps on top of his body. “She’ll be fine. We’ll get there on time,”

༻◊۞◊༺

“Miche! What do we do?!” Nanaba cried out as she landed on the wall of the last remaining tower and Gelgar landed beside her, both breathing hard. Miche took down three more titans and he landed on the wall beside them, hanging himself on the bricks with his ODM. They were out of gas, out blades, out of everything.

Henning and Lynne landed nearby them. Miche looked at the members of his squad that surrounded him. Deprived titans beneath them trying to reach for them and devour them. He had no other plan. The first throw had taken the other tower – he had barely managed to pull Lynne and Henning to safety. The second throw had taken out their horses. They couldn’t make a run for it. They were trapped.

“All out of blades?!” Miche asked and they all nodded, and he gritted his teeth.

He looked ahead. Nathalie had managed to pull the Beast off of the wall, but where was that bastard? Where was Nathalie? If she was there, she could make a stand. He was certain she’d have more blades and gas than all of them combined. She could buy them some time. She should’ve been there by now. But she wasn’t. Was something wrong with her?

He didn’t have time to figure that out. They only had one last chance. If there was a titan shifter within the remaining, armless cadets that stood at the top of the tower, then that was the best and only chance that they had of surviving right now.

“Retreat to the tower!” Miche ordered. They barely had enough gas to make it to the top. The kids were there, watching, waiting, frightened.

“Section Commander Miche!” Connie cried out. “W- What do we do, sir?!”

“Nothing,” Miche said. “We wait for this tower to fall and get eaten,”

Nanaba couldn’t believe that this was Miche’s actual plan. It didn’t sound like him. He certainly must have had something up his sleeve. And he proved her right when he turned at the kids and talked.

“If there is a titan-shifter within you, then now it’s a good time to reveal yourselves,” Miche shrugged. “Or we could all allow them to eat us and then who knows? Some of them might even be lucky to eat a titan-shifter and turn back into a human,” Miche said, and he noticed how Reiner and Berthold twitched slightly. That was all the affirmation he needed. They were the titan-shifters. And they looked as confused as everyone else. They were playing their parts well. They were good at this he had to hand it to them. They had almost managed to fool him for the last few weeks. But now their cover was blown, and a smirk spread across Miche’s lips. He parted his lips to speak but someone cut him.

“Connie,” Ymir spoke. “Give me that knife you got, will you?”

Chapter 48: I know you

Notes:

TRIGGER WARNINGS: lots of depression, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, yes it's kinda dark lmao pls heed the warnings

Pain shot through her body. Nathalie stirred with a wince. Her hand reached shakily for her belly, and she clutched on it. There were bandages wrapped around her body tightly. The bleeding must have stopped, but it hurt. God, it hurt so much it brought tears to her eyes before she even had the chance to open them. Nathalie bit back a cry of pain and she grunted instead. She had nobody to blame but herself for her current state. She had just killed her child before it even had the chance to live. How could she ever face Erwin again?

Probably, she was never going to tell him. He was never going to find out. She hadn’t even given herself the chance to make sure whether she was actually pregnant or not. Maybe she wasn’t, maybe she was. She was never going to find out now, and maybe it was for the best, maybe it was for the worst. It didn’t matter. She was a horrible person, and she knew that. She had found a reason to do this. She used her importance to Marley to stop the Beast from attacking her cornered comrades, and she had achieved.

She had driven the beast away, she hoped she had saved them. She wouldn’t find out anytime soon. She just knew that she had given them a chance at the expense of her child’s life. But how the hell was she supposed to bring a child into this world? When she was schizophrenic? When Erwin wouldn’t want it? When the world was about to burst into a war? When there was all this conflict, all that danger, all this chaos?

Nathalie did not achieve to convince herself that she had done the right thing. No, I did it to save my comrades and I have possibly achieved that. Yes, that was it. There wasn’t anything more to it. She did what she had to do.

She gritted her teeth. There was no convincing herself that she had done the right thing. It wasn’t right to take a human life. A human life that held both part of her and the man she loved. Precious. So precious, and she had snuffed it away.

A sob erupted from her throat and Nathalie folded her body. She was lying down on what felt like the soft grass and there was something thrown atop her, a blanket perhaps. There was the sound of a campfire, feeding on wood and oxygen nearby. There was the soft light that hit her eyelids and then there was the smell of the soft, green grass that she laid on top of. But the pain in her belly was still intense and she clutched on it as she brought her knees to her chest.

“I take it the painkillers aren’t working,”

A man’s voice came from nearby and she snapped her eyes open, finally releasing her tears down her cheeks. She looked at the man that was poking at the fire with a stick, sitting on a conveniently comfortable stone. The man was blonde, and his eyes were a bright blue beneath the flickering fire. He was wearing circular glasses and a white, overworn shirt.

It was probably him, the holder of the beast. Blonde and blue eyed with the same haircut as the boy in that picture. He could order titans around in his beast form and that could only mean that he was of royal blood and the only person of royal blood outside the walls was the woman that Grisha had first married. If Grisha’s story was true then that man was the Grisha’s first son.

“Zeke… Yeager,” Nathalie grunted out his name and he looked at her. “Correct?” And it sounded so familiar inside her head, she could already see him in the past. “My… my mother’s… brother adopted you. Dr… Tom Xavier… correct?”

Zeke’s eyes widened and he stopped poking the fire and finally looked at her. “You’re Amelia’s daughter,” The realisation hit him. Nathalie nodded. “Smart of you… to stab yourself, but you almost killed more than one person,” Zeke turned his attention back on the fire.

“How did you-”

“I was raised by a doctor,” Zeke chuckled. “Besides, it’s the only explanation as to how you bled so much and you’re still alive,”

Fuck. It was obvious, wasn’t it? She was still bleeding, she could tell. She could feel the warm sticky crimson blood between her legs, making a mess of her clothes. It was a good thing that she was dressed in utter black. She would return to HQ without anybody noticing anything. No one had to find out. No one. Not even Erwin.

“What I did… I didn’t do it just to stop you. It’s not your fault. I wanted to give myself a reason as to why killing my child was the right thing to do, but the truth is…” Nathalie felt tears gathering in her eyes and she shut them tight. “…I don’t want to bring a child into this world,” She buried her face in her hands and she wept against them. She thought about keeping quiet, but she didn’t mind if this man judged her.

It almost felt like he wouldn’t judge her.

“I understand that, Nat,” Zeke stood up and approached her. He knelt beside her and gently pulled her hands away from her face. He wiped her cheeks with his rough knuckles, and he sat behind her. “More than you realise,”

He didn’t judge her and that was exactly what she needed right now. Nathalie sniffled and she pressed a hand down on the grass and tried to pick herself up. She had to leave. She had to go back. No, she didn’t worry that they’d look for her. Erwin hadn’t sent somebody to look for her in the first time, he wouldn’t send someone this time either. It wasn’t like he cared for her. He didn’t care one bit. Nathalie grunted as the pain got worse with every movement and Zeke looked at her struggle.

“I would not advise going anywhere at this state,” Zeke said.

“I need to go back,” Nathalie winced, and her shaky hand gave up on her and she crashed back down on the grass with another heart-wrenching wince. “Fuck,”

“Rest for the night, Nat,” Zeke said but it almost felt like he knew that woman was stubborn. He had never met her in his life, but it still felt like he knew her.

He groaned when he realised, she was trying to stand up again. She really was stubborn. His gut feeling was correct. He sighed heavily and he wrapped an arm around her. He settled behind her and brought her back to his chest, to help her in an upright, seated position. Nathalie winced again and both her hands clutched on her aching abdomen. She allowed her head to roll back against his shoulder and her fast breathing eased down after a while. She calmed right there, resting back to him and she closed her eyes. A stranger was showing her more compassion than the man that she had spent her entire life falling for.

She focused her attention at the flickering orange fire and she urged herself to stop thinking about it. “Alright… Zeke Yeager… I’ll rest,” She closed her eyes and her head rolled to the side so that her temple was resting against his shoulder and her nose was tickling his neck.

Zeke looked down at her and it all looked so familiar. It felt like he had held her like this before. It was like a déjà vu to a memory that wasn’t his. But she looked so precious right there, in his arms, on his shoulder. She must have been in pain but she also must have been so exhausted, because despite the pain, she drifted to sleep anyway.

Zeke stretched out a hand with as less movement as possible reaching out for the blanket and he brought it over her body to keep her warm. She was gorgeous right there. Pink, plump lips pressed into a thin line. A pretty little face and brown hair. Glasses resting at the tip of her nose. He took them off for her, tucking them in one of his pockets and noting to himself to give them back before she’d leave to go back to her comrades.

A Burgess that could fight titans. It was amazing to think about it, because the Burgesses were not fighters. They were mere scientists. They were born to work in a lab all day, they weren’t born to be brought into a battlefield. But she was different. She was a fighter, and that explained how she was capable of fighting off the brain disorder that put every other Burgess down.

She was different.

“I didn’t want to bring a child into this world,” And she killed her own child for it. What would her reaction be if he told her about his plan? Would she support it? She could be the ace up his sleeve. She was a Burgess. The only who was willing to help. She was a high-ranked officer in the military of Paradis, she was skilled. She was important and he could use that. She could be the ace up his sleeve. She could be an important asset to his plan.

But he would only use her, and this woman did not deserve that.

So, Zeke was going to do nothing. He was going to take her back to Wall Rose in the early morning, and then he was never going to see her again. But for now, she had to rest and he had to look after her because they were in the forests of Wall Maria and Wall Maria was full of titans that he could command away from eating her.

“You’re not… a bad man, Zeke,” Nathalie mumbled, snapping out of her sleep momentarily. He had no reason to hold her. He had no reason to cover her in a blanket. He just needed her alive because Marley needed her alive. The world needed her alive. But he had no reason to do anything more. “And your father… he loved you,”

Zeke’s eyes widened. “You… know my father?”

“I knew him… he told me about you, how he… regretted everything… the way he… treated you,” Nathalie said, and she opened her eyes and looked up at him. His eyes were wide, and his hold around her was tight. He couldn’t believe her. He wanted to, though. He wanted it so much to know that his father – his real father would one day acknowledge his mistakes.

Zeke sighed heavily. He had to change the subject. “You need rest,”

“I can’t sleep… it hurts,” Nathalie closed her eyes again and rested back against his shoulder. “Thank you… for… holding me,”

He brushed a few brown locks away from her sweaty forehead and he looked down at her. Could she be lying about his father? Even if she did, then what would be her motive? They didn’t know a lot about each other. He hadn’t told her about his plan. He hadn’t told her anything. He hadn’t given her any reasons for her to lie to him. She had nothing to gain for lying to him about this.  

Maybe she wasn’t lying after all.

Thank you for holding me. He was the reason she had stabbed herself and taken the life of her child, yet she was still thanking him. It made no sense. I didn’t want to bring a child into this world. She had killed her own child. Nathalie was the prime example of why his plan was the right one. Nathalie would understand his plan better than anyone.

Nathalie would understand him.

He could talk to her about this, and she would understand him. What was the point of living if it’s all about pain and suffering? She understood it better than himself. He could talk to her. She would join him. She really would.

He looked down at her as she rested against him. She would understand him. After all this time, he had finally found someone who could understand him. He could talk to her.

But for now, first thing in the morning he was going to take her back to Wall Rose, and then he’d find her. He’d find her sometime later within the walls. They’d meet again.

He held her all night. He didn’t find it in himself to pull away. But as he had planned, he took her to the wall in his titan form by the next early dark morning. The sun had yet to rise, and the breeze was chilly. Zeke had made sure it’d still be dark. The people behind the walls thought Wall Rose was still full of titans. There weren’t any people on the other side to see him. Not yet at least.

Nathalie looked at the Beast that stood right in front of her in the side of Wall Maria. He placed her gently down at the top of Wall Rose with his gigantic palm.

“Are you sure you can make it back?” He asked.

Nathalie nodded and checked on her gas tanks. The gas should suffice for her to make it back to Trost. The wound on her stomach still stung in harsh pain, but she had almost learned to get used to it. It was the pain that was keeping her insane mind under control.

“I’ll be fine,” Nathalie said before she jumped off the wall and began maneuvering.

She certainly shouldn’t be maneuvering at the state that she was in. Her wound stretched with every movement and blood drained her black shirt. It was a good thing that she was wearing black. Nobody would notice that she was hurt. She just had to make it back. And when Nathalie reached Trost, she made her way to the HQ and walked in and rushed for her quarters. She needed a shower. She wanted to wash the blood away from her body. She wanted to change her clothes. She wanted some time alone. She needed a break.

She needed a fucking break. She could lie down and sleep for days.

“Nat!”

Nathalie cursed beneath her breath at the familiar sound of a voice and footsteps approaching. It was Miche. He rushed to her side and looked down at her. Of course, he noticed the blood. He could smell it.

“Are you hurt?! Are you okay?! Where have you been-?!”

“I’m fine,” Nathalie cut him. She was tired as hell. She couldn’t deal with his. She had no energy to come up with excuses and explanations. She just wanted to lie down. “I need to rest-” She tried to turn and head for her quarters, but he caught her hand and stopped her.

“You’re bleeding, Nat, please tell me nothing happened to your-”

“It’s just a scratch. I can deal with it,” Nathalie cut him, and she snapped her hand away from his hold. She turned her back on him, facing the door of her quarters. She looked colder than she had ever been. Nathalie was never cold. Nathalie was always so affectionate and nice and kind, but now? Now she was rude and dodging his questions and turning her back on him, not even facing him. “I’ll check it out… and I’ll let you know,”

Nathalie twisted the doorknob of her door and before she had the chance to walk in, but he spoke. “Erwin’s been asking for you,”

Great. Terrific. Perfect. It was exactly what she didn’t want to do right now. No, she never wanted to talk or face Erwin ever again. Ever. She wanted to run. She wanted to get out of there. She wanted to stop dealing with all of this. She didn’t want to have to deal with Erwin, and the guilt, and the ways he hurt her, and her job, and the burdens of humanity’s fate, and her insanity. And he was right to hurt her in all the ways that he did, because she was a terrible person. She was terrible.

Her eyelids felt heavy. She wanted to rest. She was so tired. So, fucking tired.

“Tell him… to stop asking for me,”

Miche parted his lips to ask, but she was inside and closing the door behind her before he had the chance. He had a feeling he knew what had just happened. No. He’d have to hear it from her. He could never accept that she had lost the child and it was his fault because he was the one to let her out of his sight. He was the one to allow her to go on her own against the beast. No, he had to hear it from her.

But she was going to tell him that their assumptions were wrong. That she had never been pregnant. They were just imagining things. She was going to tell him that it was food poisoning or some other stupid excuse.

Nathalie shed her clothes and her ODM gear on her way to her bathroom. She got in the shower and opened the cold water and curled herself in the corner. Cold water rained down on her as she brought her legs to her chest and just sat there, on the cold marble floor.

Before she knew it, she was sobbing. She couldn’t help it. It was coming to her in waves. The realisation of what had happened. What she had done, and before she knew it, it was getting hard to breathe. It was getting hard to do anything. She couldn’t stand up and begin washing the blood off her body. She didn’t have the willingness to ever get out of the shower again. Tears ran hot down her cheeks, and she buried her face in her hands.

She didn’t even know why she was crying. The fact that she had killed her own child? She didn’t even know whether she was pregnant. Whether she was or not, it didn’t matter anymore. She had killed it. She hadn’t even given herself the chance to figure it out. She didn’t know, and that was the worst, because she had committed a murder – the worst murder of them all – and she wasn’t even sure whether she had actually committed it or not.

“I wasn’t ready…” Nathalie mumbled in her defence. Her thoughts were too loud. She had to say it out loud if she hoped to make herself believe it. “I wasn’t ready… I wasn’t ready… I wasn’t ready…” She kept saying it to herself. She had no one to talk to about this so she just talked to herself. She couldn’t let anybody find out about this. No one could know. “…I wasn’t ready,”

She wasn’t. She was going insane. She was dangerous. She wasn’t in the right mind to raise a child and Erwin would abandon her the moment he’d find out about it. Erwin was never going to be there. He was never going to accept it. She couldn’t rely on Erwin at all. She couldn’t trust him and ever tell him about it because he would leave her. He would force her out of the Scouts, and he would put her in a house and he’d go back to the fight. He’d let her raise his children on her own and how the hell was she supposed to do that?

She was losing her mind. She couldn’t handle this. How the hell could she bring a child into his world? This world - this cruel world that was in a never-ending war. How could she protect a child all on her own in this merciless world that was full of enemies? The fate of humanity was lying on her shoulders, and she wasn’t ready to add to it. She wasn’t ready for this. She was alone in this.

Nathalie buried her face in her arms and wept against them.

She was alone. Erwin was not reliable. She could not rely on Erwin. She could not rely on anyone but herself.  

And after this, she had to walk out of her quarters dressed in clean clothes and pretend like none of this had happened. She had to pretend this hadn’t happened.

Fuck this.

After taking a shower and washing the blood away and putting on a gown, Nathalie went straight to bed. It was still morning, but she couldn’t walk out just yet. She needed some time. She needed some privacy. She needed some time alone. The pain had started to subside and as it did, the voices inside her mind were beginning to come back to the surface. Nathalie buried her face in her pillow and she shut her eyes tightly. Shut up. Shut up. She needed some quiet. She needed some sleep. She needed some rest. She wouldn’t stand out of bed for a while. Not even if ordered to.

What could she do to feel better? Did she have to kill herself? End this once and for all? Would that make the pain go away? Yes. Yes. Do it. Would that stop her from feeling the guilt? She spared no mercy to her child, she didn’t deserve any either. It would end it all. It could silence us. It will silence us once for all. The voices inside her mind were whispering. Death was starting to sound sweeter than living.

Nathalie grabbed that pair of scissors that she had in the drawers of her bedside table. She opened them wide and pressed the blade to the veins of her left hand. It should be a fast and painless death. She was only going to bleed for a while, and she was going to slip into sweet, peaceful unconsciousness. It was for the best. It is for the best. You’re a murderer. It’s what you deserve.

It’s for the best. She did not deserve to keep living and trying to strive for something better. She did not deserve something better. She just had to end it. Fast and painless and no one was going to mourn for her. You’re a murderer. No one mourns for murderers.

She deserved this.

A knock came on her door, and she snapped out of it.

Nathalie looked at the scissors that she was pressing to the bulging veins at the base of her wrist and confusion flooded her mind.

What… am I doing?

Notes:

Tysm for reading and commenting uwu

Chapter 49: Alarm

Notes:

Y'all this chap is uwuwuwuwuuwuwuw

tysm for reading and commenting 🥺🥺🥺🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

Nathalie picked herself up on wobbly feet and she made her way to the door. She could have sworn she had heard someone knock. No. Nathalie hesitated to open the door. No, she couldn’t face anybody right now. Some time alone. She just needed to be alone for now. She needed to curl up beneath the comfortable warm covers of her bed and she wanted to sleep. She wanted to sleep and never wake up. Yes, that’s what she needed.

Nathalie took a step away from the door and she pulled her hand back. She couldn’t. She shook her head. She couldn’t face anyone whoever that was, knocking on her door. Nathalie wrapped her robe around her body just a little tighter and she shut her eyes. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. She turned around to leave, to go back to her bedroom and lie down again. She needed rest. Her hands shook. She needed rest.

“Nathalie… I just want to see if you’re alright,”

It was Erwin’s voice. Nathalie stopped from walking any further away and her heart fluttered at the sound of his voice. He was really checking up on her? He cared? How could he still care? She was the one who had taken the life of his child.

Nathalie pressed her weight on the wall to the side and a soundless sob snuck up her throat. She buried her face in her hands and she wiped away immediately the tears that had started to gather. How was she supposed to face him? How?

Erwin looked at her closed door. He sighed heavily. He didn’t know whether he had done something wrong this time and she wasn’t answering the door, but he had been through a lot the past few days. She was the only comfort he had, and there was no denying that. But she wasn’t going to open the door. He turned around to leave but she opened the door just in time. She was dressed in one of her white silky nightgowns. She had thrown her robe on top of her, tying it tightly around her waist with a sash. Her hair was messy. Her swollen eyes were enough of an indication to let him know that she had been crying, but he couldn’t tell why.

She gasped. A hand reached up to cover her gaping mouth. “E- Erwin… your arm…” He was missing an arm. Hair messy, and unshaved face. He looked tired. He was a mess. Tears gathered in her eyes again. She wrongfully accused him.

“Erwin has been asking for you,” Miche had said.

“Tell him to stop asking for me,”

How could she say that? How could she deny him right now that he seemed like he needed her the most? Nathalie let him in, and she closed the door behind her, and his one arm slipped around her right away and brought her close to him. He buried his face in the crook of her neck and her shoulder. He shut his eyes and he drew in her scent. He nuzzled in her warmth and her fingers found his hair, scratching gently and wrapping her arms around his shoulders. Nathalie wept and held him tight. He could no longer pick her up like he usually would.

And then the guilt started creeping up on her. It was too much. Nathalie had accused him so much in her mind, her thoughts. She had so easily ignored that this man had so many things to deal with. How could she do that? How dare she? How could she still say she loved him when she had done something so, so, so horrible? She had taken the life of his child and she had accused him for it whilst he didn’t even know about it.

There were so many things wrong with her. So many things wrong. Nathalie had to make up for it. She had to be there for him. She had to. She had to compensate. But he looked so tired. He held her close like this for a while and she loved every second of it because it felt real. It felt like he wanted to hold her. It felt like he needed her.

Nathalie found the shoulder of his left, bitten off arm and she examined the bandaged wound gently with her fingers. “I’ll fix this…” Nathalie sniffled and she pulled back to cup his rough cheek and look at him with shiny blue eyes filled with tears that she wiped away with her hand before cupping his cheek. “…I’ll fix this, I swear, you’re gonna be okay,” She ran her fingers across his rough cheeks and his blue eyes met her own. She brushed his messy golden hair away from his forehead and she sucked in a breath to force herself to stop crying. He must have been in pain. He must have been in so much pain. He must have been so exhausted and she could see it in his eyes. “You’re gonna be okay, my love, my sweet man…” he pressed his forehead against her own and closed his eyes tiredly. She caught his hand and took him to her bedroom. “…you need to lie down, I’ll take care of you, just rest-”

Erwin caught her face with his hand and urged her to turn and look at him. He kissed her before she had the chance to keep talking. He kissed her soft and sweet and wrapped his arm around her and she lifted herself on her tiptoes to reach up to him. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and cupped his cheeks and shut her eyes. It felt so good. It felt like she was back. His sweet Nathalie was back. His sweet girl that cared for him.

Obviously, they had so many things to talk about, but he didn’t want to hear it and it looked like she didn’t care to hear an explanation for his current state either. She just wanted to take care of him. Take him to bed and maybe shave him and help him shower and let him sleep and even cook something for him. Anything for him. Anything for the man she loved. She was going to stand by him especially now that he needed her the most. And as for the guilt, he didn’t yet have to know, and she had to bite it back. She couldn’t tell him yet. She wasn’t planning to tell him. Ever. He would hate her. But he loved her now. He loved her, she could feel it in his kiss, in the tight way he held her tightly against him.

He pulled back to let her breathe and she had that hazy look in her eyes that she’d have every time he’d kiss her. He brushed her brown hair behind her ear and he cupped her cheek, running his rough thumb across the tender white flesh and he knew she was all he needed. He would handle this too. He was missing an arm, but it was alright. Everything was alright so long as she was there.

“I missed you,” Erwin said and she wouldn’t have believed that she heard him say that until she realised how he was looking down at her. He had a smile. A genuine smile and his eyes were soft, full of fondness and longing.

She did not deserve that fondness. She did not deserve his affection. She did not deserve this man’s love. He shouldn’t be looking down at her like this. Nathalie bit her lip and held back her tears, her guilt, the things that she wanted to tell him. She nodded and forced a smile.

“I missed you too…” She cupped his cheek. “…my sweet man,” She took his hand and took him to bed and started settling her pillows in a comfortable position for him to lie on. She wasn’t planning to lie down with him, was she? “I’ll make you some tea and I’ll be right back, I just need you to rest-”

“Lie down with me,” He cut her urging her to look up at him. “Stay and hold me…” he couldn’t believe he was asking that. He had never asked of anybody to do that, but he just needed her so much right now. He needed the comfort, the relief that only she could provide. “…please,”

He was desperate and she could never turn him down, even though she still wanted to be left alone. She still needed to curl up in some corner and cry. But she had to get it together and be there for him. It was the least she could do for him right now. Nathalie smiled at him.

“Of course, anything you need,”

Nathalie helped him lie down and she walked to the other side of the bed, lying beside him. He wrapped his right arm around her and brought her close to him immediately. Nathalie smiled softly as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and her fingers found his hair, his shoulders, his shirt. He buried his face in her neck and she buried her nose in his hair. So needy. His arm was tight around her as she held him right there on her bed.

Nathalie didn’t know whether she should be feeling guilty, or happy, or a mixture of both, because she loved holding him like this. She loved those rare times that he showed that he needed her. But she still felt the guilt heavy on her shoulders. She wanted to tell him everything, but he had already dealt with too much. How much more could he handle? And she couldn’t stand the thought of him actually hating her and leaving her, and he’d have all the right to do so.

No. Nathalie tightened her arms around him and she scratched gently above his nape. Erwin let out a soft grunt and he shut his eyes and nuzzled in her neck, the warm skin, her sweet scent. His girl. His sweet little girl. He loved her. He loved her and he still couldn’t say it and he wouldn’t say it for a while, but he loved her. She was all he needed. All he ever desired. She was there for him even though he had attempted to hurt her and push her away so many times already.

But they were both exhausted and it didn’t take too long till the two had fallen asleep right there, on her bed, in her arms. They slept for hours and hours and there were probably people that were looking for them, but for now, that was all that Erwin needed. He needed a good night’s rest. Heck, he slept more than just one night. He had slept through the entire afternoon too.

Erwin could tell they had shifted in a different position during their sleep. It was him the one spooning her now. His right arm was around her, touching her clothed belly, and her back was onto his chest. Her brown hair was tickling his chin and her arm was cold on top of his own. The bedsheets had fallen to their hips, and it would explain why her hand was cold. It was early in the next morning. The sunlight was still a light blue as it entered through the window.

Erwin reached down for the blankets to bring them back upon her body and drift back to sleep. He wasn’t going to sleep. He had rested well enough, but he wanted to wait for her to wake up. He wanted to be there when she’d wake up. He needed her. He needed to know what had happened. What she had been through the previous day. He wanted to talk to her.

He wanted to muster the courage to tell her he loved her. He needed her to know because next time he faced a titan, he might not make it back alive. He had changed his mind. Whether he or she died, he did not want to regret never telling her of how he felt. Whether he was going to be a terrible partner or – hopefully one day – her husband or not, he just wanted her to know.

Who knows how much they had left?

Erwin felt something sticky on his hand that reached for the blanket, and he looked down and his eyes widened.

Blood.

He looked down at her. Blood. It was everywhere. A red, wet, hot crimson was making a mess on her bed, on her gown, between her legs, on the blankets, on his own clothes as he was pressed behind her and he almost felt like he was having a heart attack.

What was happening? What was wrong with her? What happened to her, why was she bleeding? Dangerously so. It looked like she had been bleeding for a while now. He looked down at her. He brought her body to lie down on her back so that he could look at her emotionless face. He touched her skin with his bloody fingers and Erwin could already feel himself breathing hard. He was beginning to panic – him, the man who could keep his calm in the wildest of situations. But when it came to her – when it came to her life, her safety – Erwin was going insane.

He checked on her pulse in her neck. His hand shook. His heart, thrumming hard he could practically hear it in his ears. He could feel nothing. No heartbeat. “Nathalie!” He cried out to her. “Nathalie… wake up! Wake up… please, wake up…” He was desperate.

He looked down on her belly, her abdomen and he tried to find out where the blood was coming from. It wasn’t coming from the bandaged wound on her belly. Where was it coming from? What was wrong with her? It couldn’t be a bad period. It wasn’t her time of the month. He had memorised when she was having her period and when she wasn’t. But she wasn’t breathing.

She wasn’t breathing. He couldn’t feel a pulse beneath his fingers as he pressed them to her neck and checked again and again. Erwin felt his hand shaking, sweat gathering on his forehead. He had to pick her up and take her to Hange, but he couldn’t pick her up. He could no longer do that. He brought her to his lap, and he cupped her cheek and her head limply rolled to his side, his chest. He looked at her shut eyes and prayed she would open them. She would open her eyes and be okay. She’s going to be okay. She’ll be okay. Always there for me. Always… right?

She was always there for him, but he had never done the same, had he? And now she was going to die from something that he had no idea what it was, and she wouldn’t know it. She wouldn’t know how much he loved her.

“I love you,” Erwin finally burst out and said it, but she wasn’t waking up. She hadn’t heard him. She was limp. He brought her against him, and he buried his face in her neck. “I love you… I love you so much, please wake up… Nathalie… Nathalie, please wake up, I love you… I love you,”

Notes:

Honestly I literally thought of ending the fic right here MUAHHAHAHAHAHA like she bleeds out cuz of the self-induced abortion but uh

 

I thought about sth so much worse MUUAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHH

Chapter 50: The Fear of Letting Go

Notes:

AHAHAHAHAHA THANK U ALLL for your awesome comments and kudos! keep it up!

honestly ruelle's songs are what help me write this delicious angst LMAO

if you're struggling to write angst, you can find my angst playlist here it's 👌👌👌👌 and this is coming from twelve years of experienced fanfictionwriting, kids

oh yes the chap is unedited, the author is sleep deprived ssshhh

The Fear of Letting Go - Ruelle (Spotify Link)

“You need to go lie down,” Miche said but Erwin couldn’t hear him right now.

Miche had helped carry her to the infirmary where Hange and Moblit took over and closed the door behind. Erwin wanted to go in. He had almost busted in, but Miche held him back. Hange and Moblit were their two doctors. They could handle this. They needed to be left alone to handle this. Miche made Erwin sit down on the chairs outside. Erwin should lie down. It had been hours, he should be in bed, he had just lost his arm and one day wasn’t enough to recover from this. He needed to sleep. He needed to rest, but there was no way he could do that.

Something had happened to her. Her – the woman that he loved. He loved her. He had admitted it and this time he wanted her to hear him, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t hear him. It terrified him the thought of her dying and never knowing how much he loved her.

He didn’t even know what had happened to her. Not now. Not yet. He just needed a little more time. That was all. He just needed to tell her he loved her. He wasn’t ready to live a life without her. He wasn’t ready to let go of her yet. He wasn’t. Just a little more time. He hadn’t lived the life he had dreamt he’d have with her, and now he was losing her. He was losing his one and only constant – that one person that had always been there for him. The only person who could understand him and love him for who he was. No woman would stick around after what he did to her. No woman would love him as much as she did.

“I can’t lie down, Miche,” Erwin snapped. He needed to be there. He needed to be beside her or as close to her as possible. He had never felt so desperate in his life, but he couldn’t lose her. Not now. Not yet. He wasn’t prepared. One moment he was holding her and falling asleep with her, and the other, they were both lying in a pool of her blood. His hand was still shaking.

Miche parted his lips to speak, but the door opened and Hange with Moblit showed up. Both didn’t seem capable of starting to explain, but Erwin stood up right away and approached them and started asking.

“Is she okay?! What happened to her?!” Erwin asked and he noticed the hesitation as Hange parted her lips to speak but found no words. What did that mean? What did her hesitation mean? Was she dead? Was she dying? Erwin was not going to sit around and wait for this. He turned to head in, but Hange stopped him.

“Wait! I… I can’t tell you what’s wrong with her,” Hange sighed heavily, and she knew that wasn’t enough. He needed to know. He had a right to know, but Hange wasn’t even sure what had actually happened. Nathalie had been pregnant but the wound on her belly was in a precise spot, and it could only mean one thing. Nathalie knew she was pregnant. Nathalie had killed her child, and everybody could guess whose that child was. “She bled out, but she’s alive… for now,”

“What’s wrong with her?!” Erwin demanded. He couldn’t take any more of this. He grabbed Hange’s elbow and tugged her close. “I need to know. Tell me what happened to her, that’s an order!”

“I can’t tell you what happened to her!” Hange jerked her arm away from his tight, bruising hold. “I don’t know if she would want you to know, and we’ll never find out unless we act fast,” Hange sighed. “She needs a blood transfusion. Right now. The only problem is… she can only take O negative and as far as I’m concerned nobody has that blood type around here,”

“I do,” Erwin said.

“No,” Hange said firmly. “You just lost your arm. You’ve lost enough blood as it is, the amount that we need to draw will kill you,”

“I don’t care!” Erwin barked. He didn’t mind dying for her. He didn’t it mind it at all. The world could go to hell. He needed her. The world didn’t need him as much as he needed her.

He had promised himself that if he was to die one day, he would let it happen before she’d die. It was selfish and terrible and cowardly to prefer giving her the pain of her mourning for him than accepting the pain of him mourning for her. But he just couldn’t. He couldn’t lose her. Not now. He didn’t mind never finding solid evidence of the truth about the world. She had already told him about the outside world. He believed her. But he could not do this alone.

“Save her, Hange… please,”

༻◊۞◊༺

Nathalie began to stir and let out a wince. The pain in her lower belly was excruciating. Her fingers fisted around the bedsheets that were laid over her. Nathalie didn’t remember what had happened. It felt like she had been sleeping for days though. But the pain was too much. She winced again and opened her eyes allowing the light in. She blinked a few times and the first thing she did was look around the room for any hallucination. No one was there. No voices inside her mind. Nothing. It was the pain. The pain kept her focused. It kept her demons out of her mind. So long as she was in pain, she was free from them.

Nathalie looked beside her on the bed, searching for Erwin. He was supposed to be there. Last time she remembered being awake, he was beside her. This time, it was Hange sitting on a chair right beside her bed. She had fallen asleep on the chair. Her head had rolled to the side. Eyes, closed. Hair, messy.

“Hange?” Nathalie spoke.

Hange hummed in her sleep. “Uh- wha- what…?” She opened her eyes and finally looked at Nathalie. “Oh, hey, Nat, you good?” But when the realisation really hit her, Hange jumped in her place and immediately snapped out of the sleepy haze. Her eyes widened. “Holy shit, you’re awake, uh… fuck, you’re awake!” Hange stood up and hurried for the door and tried to come up with an excuse. “Uh- I’ll get you some more morphine!”

Before Nathalie could say a thing, Hange was out of the room and Nathalie felt confused. What happened? What was Hange so stressed up about? Nathalie closed her eyes. She didn’t have the energy to think about this. She could very easily fall back asleep right now. All she wanted to do was go back to sleep. She was certain that whatever had happened, she did not want to hear it. She just wanted to sleep.

Nathalie had almost drifted away again but Hange’s voice came. “No!” She rushed to her side. “No more sleeping for you, young lady. We don’t know if you’ll wake up the next time,” Hange brought the morphine and injected it in Nathalie’s arm. “This should ease the pain. How are you feeling?”

“Like I’ve been sleeping for days,” Nathalie answered, and she let out a sigh of relief. Morphine was going to work on the pain for now.

“That’s cause you have,” Hange said.

“What happened? I… I don’t remember,” Nathalie said and that’s when Hange bit her lip and tried to think of ways to dodge the conversation.

“Uh, well… you- you see, you, uh… you bled out and uh well… we uh, w- we had to give you a blood transfusion but you’re okay, now, take some rest, you should just-”

“Was it Erwin?” Nathalie’s eyes widened. He was the only one who had the same blood type as her own. He was the only one who could be her donor.

No. He couldn’t. He was in no position to lose any more blood than he had already lost. No. Was he alright? Was he okay? Where was he? She looked around the room. He wasn’t there. Was he alive? Nathalie panicked. She couldn’t even think about it. She couldn’t even think about him giving up his life for her own.

Nathalie pressed her hands back to pick herself up in a sitting position and stand off the bed. She winced and the pain stung harshly but Hange stopped her, placing her hands on her shoulders, and forcing her back down on the bed.

“I need to see him. Is he okay? I need to see him, I need you to get me to him, Hange, please, tell me he’s okay-”

“He is alive,” Hange said, and Nathalie instantly felt relief washing over her. “Bedridden, but he’ll be fine,”

Nathalie let out a sigh of relief and allowed Hange to push her back down on the bed. Nathalie’s hand reached for the aching spot on her lower belly and she shut her eyes. She could tell exactly what had happened. You bled out, Hange said, and it happened when she lied down with Erwin. He probably woke up in a pool of her blood. Nathalie chewed on her lip. Hange was smart. Definitely smarter than Nathalie herself. Hange would have figured it out.

“Does he know?” Nathalie asked and that’s where Hange tensed up and sat back on her chair and looked down on the floor.

Hange parted her lips to speak, but she hesitated. It wasn’t like he had given her a choice. Miche knew too. He had found out before the titans attacked within Wall Rose, he said.

“Please, tell me you earned that injury during some battle. Tell me you were trapped within a titan’s jaws and that wound is caused by titan teeth. Tell me, and I’ll take back everything I’ve told them, Nat,” Hange could almost feel herself pleading. Nathalie would never do something like that. She would never kill her own child and there was no way she hadn’t found out. Nathalie was a doctor. If anything, she would have figured out she was pregnant faster than anybody else. But she would have never done something like that.

Nathalie did not deny it, nor did she confirm it. Her eyes were closed as she put up with pain that had slowly started to subside. She knew Hange disapproved. Everybody sane would disapprove. But they didn’t know that she was insane. They didn’t know that she was losing it. The fainter the pain got, the more Nathalie could hear the voices inside her mind return. She couldn’t raise a child like this. She couldn’t do it on her own, and he would leave her on her own.

But as much as she knew him, she was wrong about this, wasn’t she? He would never leave her. He had pretty much proven it and it wasn’t just this one time. She had falsely accused him. But she had been so scared. She had never been so scared of anything else in her life. If she was to bring a child into this world, she wanted to do it right. She wanted to raise them in a healthy environment, in a peaceful world. She wanted to make sure that both she and the man she loved would survive this and be there for them.

Her parents had left her, and her other parents died, and Erwin’s parents were gone as well. She did not want that for their child. Uncertainty was the only thing he had left her with.

“Does he know?” Nathalie repeated her question.

“Yes,” Hange finally answered. She groaned. “I tried to keep it but he… you know how manipulative he can be,”

Nathalie bit her lip harsh enough to hurt, but she didn’t care. Was he going to hate her? He’d have every right to. She had taken a decision for a child that was also his. She should have talked to him first. It was all so wrong. So, so, wrong and twisted. Nathalie was unwell. She knew it, but she had been so scared. So scared, she thought he’d leave her. How dare she think like that?

“Does he hate me?”

Hange chuckled. “He could try. But even then, I don’t think he can ever hate you, Nat,”

༻◊۞◊༺

Nathalie was holding a tray as she made her way to Erwin’s quarters. It had been two, or three days of resting, but she knew that even bedridden this man would never rest. Nathalie had to face him. She knew how. She just had to be honest. He would understand her if she was honest, right? But would he understand why she had done it?

No. I can’t. She couldn’t enter his quarters right now. She hesitated. How could she face him? There was no way she could face him. No. No, what were you thinking?! She looked down at the soup that she had made for him. No. She couldn’t face him. She couldn’t.

But she had to.

She had to make things right. He had saved her life. He had saved her life and in return, she had taken the life of their child. She was terrible. She was horrible and he was so perfect and so undeserving of someone as horrible as herself. What was she going to tell him?

Nathalie had no idea. She walked in his quarters anyway with no plan, no words practiced to tell him. Maybe she would break down and pray to heavens that he wouldn’t resent her. She had tried so hard her entire life to be the only thing he’d ever look at. She had tried so hard to earn his approval, his smile, his praise, and now? Now, the only thing that she was going to earn would be his resentment, a look of disgust and hate. He was going to hate her and she would never blame him. He had all the right to resent her. He had all the right to never want to talk to her again.

She had just lost the man she loved. She had lost his affection, his smile, his approval, his fondness. She had lost it all and it was she to blame. It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault… Nathalie wanted to curl up in some corner and pace back and forth.

Why must she suffer through this all? Why must be forced to take that decision to tear the small precious life out of her? Why must those voices inside her mind shriek so goddamn loud? Why must they drive her insane? She needed pain. She needed it because it kept those voices away. Why must pain be the only way?

Why must death sound so sweet?

And now, for once again, she was scared and terrified and she had lost the one good thing that she had in her life. The man that used to look at her and let her know he loved her with just one look – he was never going to look at her the same. Her beloved man. Her sweet, precious man, that she loved so dearly even when falsely thinking that he would abandon her if she was to bring his child into the world.

No. Erwin was an honourable, reliable man. How dare she think otherwise?

He hadn’t given her the choice to rely on him. Were her assumptions correct? Would he really leave her?

Well, it no longer mattered. He was going to leave her anyway for what she had done.

Nathalie walked in with heavy footsteps and that insistent shrieking inside her mind just wouldn’t go away. She was unwell. She couldn’t keep this up. She couldn’t keep a straight face whilst her mind was torturing her. She couldn’t keep ignoring those shadows that she saw in every room whilst knowing that they weren’t real. She was going insane. She was in pieces. She might as well pick up the pieces that mattered the most – her relationship with Erwin.

Maybe it wasn’t even a relationship. The uncertainty he had fed her with was one of the reasons that she did what she did.

He was right there, on his side on the bed. He was handsome, even in his weak state. Even in the fact that an arm was missing. Even when he had to work on a pile of papers that he had moved beside him on the bed. He used a large hard cover book to support the papers on his lap whilst writing down on them. His back was resting against the pillows that were propped on the wooden doorframe, and his hair were messy. Facial hair had started to grace his jawline and his upper lip. His shirt was unbuttoned but he was wearing another shirt beneath.

Her lips parted, preparing something to say, but no words came out when he turned and looked at her and she stopped on her tracks. Bright blue eyes met her own and she lost her words. Her hands were beginning to tremble. She had to let the tray down somewhere before she spilled the soup.

“I- I- I- I made you some soup,” Nathalie pulled her eyes away from his immediately and she placed the tray on the wooden nightstand beside his bed. She sat beside him by the edge of the bed and she pulled up the bowl of soup. It wouldn’t be convenient to eat something on the bed right now as he was with just one arm. “Please… please, take a break and… let me help you eat,” She gathered some of the hot liquid in the spoon and she brought it to him.

The hand, holding the spoon, was trembling. He was staring at her and she was trying to look anywhere but him. She looked down. Shy and embarrassed and sad and unable to look at him in the eye. She didn’t want to see that look of resentment and disapproval, and hate. She didn’t want him to look at her like this even though she knew, she deserved it tenfold.

Erwin caught her shaky hand in his own and he eased the movement. Nathalie placed the soup back on the tray, and her fingers started fidgeting with her brown skirt nervously. He looked at her as she tried to avoid him as much as she could and he sighed heavily.

“We need to talk,”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“When did you ever make it easy for me to tell you things?”

Chapter 51: The Man I Love

Notes:

oh yes

this is it

the fluffiest fluff

the good quality fluff

and it goes greatly with "The Man I Love" by George Gershwin.

no need to listen to it, that music is only for the real ones 👌

ENJOY!

Someday he'll come along
The man I love
And he'll be big and strong
The man I love
And when he comes my way
I'll do my best to make him stay
He'll look at me and smile

He'll build a little home
That's meant for two
From which I'll never roam
Who would, would you
And so all else above
I'm dreaming of the man I love

He didn’t know how to start, and she didn’t either. What was she supposed to tell him? She was on the brink of tears. She didn’t know where to begin apologising. An apology wasn’t enough. She couldn’t talk her way out of it.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Erwin asked. She could feel his eyes burrowing through her skin and she chewed on her lip, looking down at her fingers that were tangled within her brown skirt.

“I… I couldn’t-”

“You could have made your way back to HQ the moment titans showed up. You should have told me, and I would have protected you. Why didn’t you?” Erwin insisted. He needed to know. She should have told him. He wasn’t mad at her. He wasn’t angry. He was sad. He was so close to becoming a father. It was a feeling that he had never explored before, and it didn’t feel good, but it didn’t feel bad either.

“When did you ever make it easy for me to tell you things?”

He gritted his teeth. “It was my child too. I had a right to know. I had to have a say to that decision. Why did you do it?! What were you so scared about?! My reaction?!”

“Yes!” Nathalie finally released the tears that had gathered in her eyes. They spilled warm and salty on her cheeks, and she wept. “I thought you were going to leave me. I thought you were going to abandon me and our child. I was scared to bring a child into this world! I was scared to raise it on my own! I wasn’t ready!” Nathalie burst out and he looked at her in utter disbelief.

I thought you were going to leave me. I thought you were going to abandon me. How dare she think like that? Did she really think that he’d leave? Had he really given her the impression of such a man? A man who was going to disappear when she’d most need him? He couldn’t believe he had given her that impression. He couldn’t believe she had even considered that. He was reliable. He could be trusted. He thought she knew him better than anyone. She had known him ever since they were kids. He thought she knew him.

Erwin looked at her as she buried her face in her hands and kept her face out of his sight. She wept and wiped her cheeks with shaky hands. She really had been scared, hadn’t she? He would never blame her for her choice. He was merely sad – angry even – because she had made this absolutely important choice without consulting him. But it was indeed a mad world they were living in, and he wasn’t ready to raise a child either. He didn’t know whether he’d survive this, but she’d leave the scouts and she was right – she was going to raise their child on her own because he wouldn’t be able to be there, but he’d never leave her. The only thing that could take him from her was death and death alone.

Erwin’s hand cupped the back of her head and he pulled her down to his chest. She buried her face there. A shuddering sob escaped her. She was still terrified that he was going to hate her, but she clutched on him hoping that this wouldn’t happen. Nathalie shut her eyes and wetted his shirt, grasping onto his hand tightly. Her brown hair tickled his chin, and he brushed her hair away from her forehead.

“Did you really think that I would leave you?” Erwin asked. He couldn’t help looking down at her as she nuzzled on his chest, and she nodded.

“I was wrong… I’m so sorry, Erwin, I was so wrong. You saved my life… I’m so sorry… so sorry…”

“No… it’s my fault,” Erwin cupped her cheek and urged her to look up at him. “I gave you that impression,”

It was unfair. She had given him every reason to think that he could wholly rely on her. She had given him every reason to trust her, love her, count on her. But he had given her none. She didn’t feel like she could rely on him. She didn’t feel like she could bring up something like that to him. It wasn’t some intel about a mission, it was a sensitive and intimate subject that she couldn’t just talk about with him, whilst she should. It should have been easy for her to trust him.

When did you ever make it easy for me to tell you things?

He had made her think that he’d leave when it’d come to this. He had to make it clear. He had to let her know.

“I would never leave you, Nathalie,” He wiped her tears away from her cheeks and he looked at her bright blue eyes. “I want you to rely on me,”

Nathalie let out a sigh of relief. I would never leave you. She was relieved right away. He wasn’t going to leave her. He wasn’t going to hate and resent her. He wasn’t going to cast her aside.

She buried her face in his neck and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, shutting her eyes. “Say it again,” She purred like a touch-starved kitten whilst he petted her hair.

“I’ll never leave you,” Erwin buried his face in her hair and drew in her scent, closing his eyes.

She squeezed him tight. “I don’t want to raise a child without their father,” She shut her eyes tight. “You of all people know how terrible that is,”

He nodded. He knew. He wouldn’t wish that to his worst enemies, much less his own child. He never wanted to inflict that same pain he felt when his father died. He never wanted to leave Nathalie alone, just as his poor mother was left alone after his father’s death. Nathalie had every right to be scared. He was the Commander of the Survey Corps. He had his arm bitten off in just one mission. He had the government on their necks. He was gambling with his life. If she was still pregnant, he wouldn’t be able to do any of this. He would put an end to his dreams, his career. He would put an end to his gambles. He would sit back and do nothing. But he would never leave her. Never.

She had relieved him of that responsibility. She made the hard choice for him, and she carried the guilt all on her own. He wasn’t going to let her.

“Nathalie… if we survive this… if we achieve all we’ve talked about…” He looked down at her. His sweet little girl, nuzzling on his chest, clutching on him tightly “…you’re going to be my wife, and you’re going to give me a son…” her eyes widened, and she pulled back to look at him in utter surprise. He chuckled. “…and a daughter… and a home,” He cupped her cheek, and he watched her eyes get glassy again with new tears – hopefully, happiness this time. “Deal?”

Nathalie nodded frantically and wiped away the tears before they got the chance to slip down her cheeks. He did not resent her. He did not hate her. He loved her. Oh God, he wasn’t saying it, but he didn’t have to. He loved her. She was so happy. He loved her.

You’re going to be my wife. Nathalie laughed, cried, she wasn’t sure what she was doing anymore. She wiped the excess tears off her cheeks. “Did you just propose?”

He chuckled. “The circumstances are not proper for this right now, but I promise that if everything-”

“Yes!” She laughed happily and she cupped his cheeks. “I know we’ll probably never get the chance to do it, but it will forever be yes,” Erwin chuckled and brought her hand to his lips to press down a kiss. She giggled and tried to withdraw her hand, but he held it tightly. “Oh, no! Stop! I’ve been cutting onions with that hand whilst making you that soup!”

He laughed as he held her delicate hand and kissed her knuckles anyway. “Oh, I can tell,”

She laughed and her cheeks grew a bright red. Of all the women that he had brought to his bedroom, none had ever told him something remotely close to that. She was perfect, wasn’t she? A perfect cook. A perfect wife. It was without a doubt, that she would make an extraordinary mother. She was all he wanted. The only one he wanted.

She sniffled and composed herself. “Now, now, you need to eat,” Nathalie brought the bowl back in her hands and she gathered the delicious, still slightly hot liquid in a spoon. She blew on it before bringing it to his lips.

He chuckled. “You’re spoiling me,” he said before tasting it.

“Well, it’s about time you let someone spoil you, Commander,” Nathalie teased as she continued feeding him the soup that tasted better than any other soup he had ever tried in his life. She looked around the room. “Hmm, looks like some tidying and cleaning up is in order. Maybe some laundry too,” She caressed his rough cheek with her hand. “Shaving too,”

“You don’t have to do anything, Nathalie,”

“Hush,” She brought another spoon to his mouth before he had the chance to say anything. “I’ll take care of you,”

After he finished the soup, Nathalie took the tray to the kitchen and she returned back upstairs only to find him resuming his paperwork on his bed. Nathalie tidied up the messy office that was full of papers. She dusted the room and mopped the floor and let the windows open wide to allow the morning sunlight and some fresh air in. After she was done with the office, she did the same to his bedroom.

He was still on his bed, drawing another paper from the pile beside him, but she was all around. Cleaning up and tidying his bedroom, which he had tried his best to keep it presentable, but she hadn’t been in there for months, and she made it look entirely different with her own touch. The pleasant smell of detergents and the fresh air reached his nostrils and a small smile spread on his lips as he watched her. He couldn’t work. Not as long as she was being around. Not as long as she was being her sweet, caring self. He couldn’t take his eyes off of her.

How she had pulled her hair back with a white cloth and a forelock of brown hair had still managed to stick on her sweaty forehead. Her wrinkled white shirt that had at least two buttons loose and her sleeves barely reached her elbows. Her brown skirt, that was long enough to cover the entirety of her legs, but it didn’t get in the way of her leaning and moving around.

She wasn’t his servant. She had no obligation to be. He hadn’t asked her to do any of this. She had no obligation to clean up his room and do his laundry and iron his clothes, but she did it all anyway. She did it because she loved him. She did it because she wanted to. He had a million things weighing on his shoulders and she wanted to help him in every way she could. This man needed someone to take care of him. He would never ask for someone to do that, and she knew it. She knew he could handle taking care of himself perfectly, but until he got used to doing everything with his single hand, she had to be there.

She loved him so much. She did feel obligated to do all of this because he had forgiven her. He had forgiven her despite everything. He had saved her life. She had to be there for him just as he had been for her.

And she found that when she was around him, she could ignore the screams inside her mind just a little easier. She could ignore the shadows that always followed her. She could do it easier than when she was alone. She could handle it better when she had things to do.

She finished cleaning and tidying up and doing the laundry. The sun was hot outside. The clothes would dry fast, but for now, Erwin heard the familiar sound of her whipping the soap in a small bowl till it was creamy. She made sure the knife was sharp, but she made the terrible mistake to glance at his mirror in the bathroom.

There it was, that terrifying figure, staring back at her with bright red eyes and a look of utter hatred. “Kill him!” It shrieked. “Slice his throat. Kill him. You know you want to. You know you hate him. Kill him! Kill him!”

Nathalie shut her eyes and turned her face away from the mirror. Those damned mirrors. She had turned them the other way around back in her quarters. She had either broken them or turned them to face the walls they were hanging from, because she wouldn’t dare to look at them.

“Kill him. Kill him. He hates you. Kill him…”

Nathalie gritted her teeth, and the voice was only silenced when something warm slipped down the palm of her hand. She opened her eyes and she saw blood dripping down the open wound that she had dug on her right hand’s palm by gripping tightly on the knife that she was going to use to shave him.

Maybe she was dangerous. Maybe she shouldn’t. Maybe she should run back to her quarters and stay there, away from him.

No. You’re not real. They’re not real. Her demons were not real. They were just an illusion of her defective mind. Nathalie washed the blood off her hand, and she wrapped a cloth tightly around the wound. It wouldn’t be the first, neither the last self-inflicted wound.

Nathalie picked the cream, and the knife, and a towel, and she thanked heavens for the pain on her palm that was keeping her focused on something else rather than the voices in her mind. She gave Erwin a smile and pretended this hadn’t happened. She pretended she wasn’t going insane. She couldn’t let him know. She couldn’t let anyone know. It would ruin everything.

She settled beside him by the edge of his bed, and he turned and looked at her as she brought her hand to his cheek. He clearly remembered she had no injury on her hand, then, why did she have a bloody cloth wrapped around it?

“What happened to your hand?” He took it in his own to look at it closer.

“I…” Nathalie parted her lips to speak, but she realised, she hadn’t thought of a good excuse. She wasn’t a great liar, and the only man who knew her ever since they were kids could certainly tell if she was lying, but she couldn’t tell the truth either. “…I cut myself by accident whilst sharpening the knife,” She prayed she sounded convenient.

Erwin sighed, visibly disappointed. She bit her lip.

“I- I’m sorry,”

“You need to be more careful,” Erwin said, and she nodded right away relieved that he didn’t seem to notice that she was lying.

“J- Just stand still,”

Nathalie had never done this before. Shave a man. Her man. Her sweet man. She was being so careful not to cut him that she hadn’t noticed that smile on his lips as he stared at her, and it was only growing. Maybe he was grateful that she hadn’t noticed it at all. He really was grateful, but he couldn’t help it. His sweet girl, being there for him. He was so lucky, wasn’t he? He did not deserve her. He wouldn’t spend an entire day of his own for her like she had just done for him. He did not deserve her.

“There he is,” Nathalie smiled at him brightly as she wiped the remaining of the cream off his cheeks with the towel. “The man I love,” She was absolutely lovestruck and mesmerised over this man. He could tell. He could feel it. Her adoration for him was basically radiating off her. Nathalie had the capability to love so passionately, so madly. Her heart was big enough to fit him whole with his undeniably gigantic ego.

Nathalie tried to pull away and stand up and take everything back to the bathroom to clean it up, but he wrapped his arm around her and brought her to him. He crashed his lips on her own and a soft gasp escaped her mouth before she allowed him to swallow her whole. He kissed her so hard. So needy. His arm tightened impossibly around her, and she cupped his face.

She buried her fingers in his hair. She rested an arm to his chest whilst his own arm found her hair. Large, long fingers clenched in her hair, and he tugged her closer to him. He tugged her head back, forcing her mouth wide open for him. His tongue made a dive in the sweet, wet warmth of her mouth. He tasted her all over. He devoured her. He loved her.

“My sweet girl,” He sighed against her mouth, and he buried his face in her neck. He began to kiss and lick and bite.

No other woman would stand by him like she had done. No other woman would stay and shave him, and clean up his quarters, and do his laundry. No other woman would love him as much as she did. He could not lose her. He didn’t regret saving her life and putting his own in danger. He didn’t mind it one bit. He would do it over and over if he had to. He loved her so much. She was so precious. She was so perfect. There for him. Always there for him.

“My precious little girl,”

If we survive this, if we achieve all we’ve talked about, you’re going to be my wife, and you’re going to give me a son, and a daughter, and a home, and he meant every word, every sentence. It was a promise to both himself and her. She was the only woman he wanted to spend his entire life with. The only woman he wanted a family with and call her his wife. His sweet little wife. Nathalie Smith, it sounded great on her. Mrs Smith. He never thought he would ever find himself making such thoughts.

The idea of marriage and children and family was one that he had never indulged himself with, but he had no idea he was so close to having that. They almost had a child. It was frightening and so very delightful at the same time. It was relieving but excruciating to have to give up on that little life that mere days ago was still alive inside of her. He wished they would get another chance. He wished they would reach peace, and after that, they were going to build everything they had dreamt they would.

Nathalie giggled. “My sweet man,”

She smiled and closed her eyes and revelled in it. So needy. His arm was so tight around her. His kisses were warm, and wet, and sloppy, but she didn’t care. She buried her fingers in his hair and she scratched gently on his scalp. He bit back a grunt of satisfaction that reached his throat and he pulled back to look at her. Bright blue eyes met her own and she cupped his cheek.

“I’ll warm up some water for you to shower,” Nathalie pulled back to stand up, but his arm was tight around her, not allowing her to leave.

“Stay. Move in with me,”

He couldn’t believe he was asking that again. Last time they had shared his quarters, it hadn’t resulted well, but he couldn’t stop himself. And her smile faded, and her eyes drifted away from his. She bit her lip. She was dangerous. She couldn’t stay with him. She couldn’t trust herself that she wouldn’t hurt him. She was going insane. It was best that she stayed locked in her own quarters where the only person she could harm was herself.

But, would it be better if she was with him? Would he be able to distract her from the voices inside her mind? Her demons? No. She was dangerous. She couldn’t stay, but she couldn’t explain the reasons either. He could never know. She’d love to sleep beside him in the nights and share his desk to do their paperwork together and have their afternoon tea and all the meals of the day together. But she couldn’t. She was dangerous.

Nathalie grinned. Despite her overly pessimistic thoughts, he didn’t have to know. He shouldn’t find out. She was alright. She was happy. She was being held by the man she loved. She was happy.

“Do you think our insufferable piles of paperwork will fit on your poor desk?” Nathalie teased. “If I was a Lieutenant with minimal paperwork, then it could work, but for now,” She shrugged. “I’ll just be spending too much time in your quarters,”

“Hmm, you’ll be spending more than enough time in my quarters,” Erwin didn’t seem to notice that she was still lying, and she bit the inside of her cheek. Am I that good of a liar?

She still forced a smile. “Precisely,” Nathalie giggled, and she untangled his arm from around her to stand up. “Now, now, are you gonna have that shower with me or not?”

Notes:

Next chap is another fluffy chap with a lil bit of sexy times.

Honestly this chap and the next one were supposed to be one big 6k word chap but my ass is lazy so I cut it in two

tysm for reading and commenting, u gorgeous hoes ❤️

Chapter 52: Spoiling the Commander 🟥

Notes:

here take the fluffy fluff, you've earned it 👏👏👏👏

It was almost adorable how he stood up right away and chased after her to the bathroom. She giggled and she took off that cloth that was keeping her hair back. She pressed her hips against the marble white sink. Her back against the mirror as she was facing him. Her hands reached for her shirt, unbuttoning it, and pulling it off her body. She still had a bandage tied around her belly. He approached her and kissed her and wrapped his arm around her. She pushed his unbuttoned shirt off his shoulders, letting it crash on the floor.

She pulled off his other shirt, revealing the skin beneath and she let go of his lips and began kissing his neck, his chest. She touched him everywhere and Erwin closed his eyes and sighed and supported her movements with a large hand on the back of her head. How much he had panicked the other day when he woke up in a bloodstained bed and her body bathed in it. How much scared he had been. Everything he was planning to do to overthrow the King was just so risky. He couldn’t tell whether he’d make it out alive. It was another gamble, the most dangerous one yet.

What was he going to do?

He had no idea. He always knew what to do. He always knew how to deal with all kinds of situations. He always knew. But when it came to her, he had no idea what to do. He had never planned to fall in love.

He couldn’t lose her.

He couldn’t.

He had to protect her at all costs but asking her to leave the scouts wasn’t a choice. She was the only one who could figure everything out. She was his ace. She was his most precious pawn, and he shouldn’t have fallen in love with it – her.

She had been pregnant to his child.

His hand reached down for her belly, touching the bandage that was tightly wrapped around her. A self-inflicted wound. A wound that she had brought upon herself to kill their child. It was so surprising that he found himself able to forgive her so easy. He did not require any further explanation from her.

I was scared. I thought you would leave me. How dare she think like that?

Had he really given her that impression?

Maybe that’s why it was easy for him to forgive her. He had nothing to forgive. It was his fault that she felt this way.

When did you make it easy for me to tell you things?

With all his expectations of her. With all those plans to use her to win this war. To free their people. You’re still trying to prove your father right, at the expense of your life… at the expense of me. Can’t get any more selfish than that, can you? She knew him better than anyone. She knew his reasons to everything he ever did better than anyone. She knew him so well. At the expense of me. At the expense of yourself. She loved him despite it all.

Maybe he indeed had nothing to forgive. They were both at fault. They were both terrible and that would explain why they were so perfect for each other. He tugged on her bandages, and he pulled from the kiss to look at her.

“I want to see it,” He wanted to see her wound. He wanted to deem how much it had hurt and whether it was still hurting. He wanted to see how bad it was.

Nathalie bit her tongue and her hands reached for the bandage. She started untangling it from around her with careful moves. She gathered the bandage in a small roll and revealed her wound. It didn’t look terrible. She had treated it well the past few days, but it was a stab wound still, lined by torn flesh and blood that was struggling to clot and close the wound. He could hardly believe she had done it to herself. She had almost taken her life as well. What the hell was he going to do without her? She was his anchor to sanity, and morality, and all the dreams he had made for the life to share with her after this hell was over. All of this relied on a large if – she could die, he could die, but he was a selfish man, and he did not want to watch her die. He preferred to die before she did.

“You won’t ever harm yourself again,” Erwin said firmly. He wasn’t taking a no for an answer, this wasn’t a request. It wasn’t a question. It was an order. She was to never do anything like that to herself and he wouldn’t take defiance on that simple order. He cupped her cheek, making sure he had her attention, and she bit her lip. Dead serious blue eyes met her own and she knew she didn’t have a say in this, the only choice of words would be compliance. “Is that clear?”

Nathalie nodded immediately. “Of course,”

He brushed his thumb across her lower puffy pink lip. “Good girl,”

He dropped on one knee till he was facing her wound and Nathalie’s eyes widened and she pressed her hands on his shoulders to stop him, to urge him to stand back up, because he was still weak. He should be in bed. Kneeling down before her was not proper for his current state and not to mention, that it wasn’t proper for this man – for any man to get on his knees in front of a woman like her. She did not deserve better treatment than what he gave her – he was too good for her.

“Erwin, w- what are you- please, stand up-”

“Hush,” He spoke harshly and she stopped talking right away. He pressed kisses all around the ugly wound. Nathalie sighed in utter relief and contentment. She buried her fingers in his hair and she closed her eyes as she revelled in the gentle, warm, sloppy kisses that he pressed on her skin.

What was happening? What was he doing? He had no idea. He didn’t care to find a reason as to why he was doing this right now. He was there for her and mere words were not enough to convince her. Nathalie was a woman that demanded actions and he was a man that delivered everything he ever said. He was there for her. He tried to spell that with every kiss, every touch, every brush of his lips against her soft skin.

“My darling Erwin,” Nathalie giggled, and she looked down at him with a bright smile. She cupped his cheek and urged him to look up at her. “Please, stand up. You mustn’t kneel before me,” She ran her fingers across his cheek and looked down at him in adoration.

Oh, he knew exactly what she meant by that. He could tell exactly what that look in her eyes meant. It was something mixed with utter adoration and self-pity. You’re so much better than me in everything, it fits not for you to kneel before me. She had no idea that she looked like a goddess for once towering over him. His sweet, innocent girl that always thought so little of herself. Her remarkable humility despite everything that she had achieved was undeniably one of the unending things that he loved about her.

“Every man should and must forever kneel before you,”

Nathalie sniffled and wiped away the tears that showed up in her eyes instantaneously. God, he could hurt her, and she could hurt him over and over, but in the end, she could never stop her heart from aching for this man. Nathalie dropped on her knees as well and she pulled him in the tightest hug that she could manage. Erwin smiled and wrapped his arm around her bare waist. He buried his face in the crook of her shoulder.

“My beloved Erwin,” Nathalie squeezed him tightly and ran her hands through the stiff muscles of his shoulders.

She shut her eyes tight, and she pressed kisses on his shoulder. She took the bandages off his arm with gentle moves not to hurt him, and she revealed the ugly wound. It must have hurt horribly. She kissed the skin all around it and his fingers tightened inside her hair as he watched her. His sweet girl, kissing him all over. She didn’t mind him missing an arm. She didn’t mind it at all. Nothing would change the way she felt about him. Nathalie let go of his torn arm and she pressed kisses on his chest, right on top of his beating heart. She made her way up to his neck, his jawline, his lips.

She did not yet kiss his lips and her eyes met his own. She cupped his cheeks and hooked both her arms around his neck. “I love you so much,” She spoke against his lips and she didn’t expect him to say it back.

No, Erwin would tell her he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, but he still wouldn’t tell her he loved her, and it was alright, but she felt like saying it. She could never stop saying it and showing it.

She brushed his messy blonde hair away from his forehead. “So, so much,” A small smile spread on his lips. He parted them to speak. Maybe he was finally going to tell her he loved her back, but she didn’t let him.

Nathalie kissed him. He didn’t have to say it. She didn’t want to force it out of him. She would never force him into anything. He kissed her back and they held each other right there, kneeling on the cold bathroom floor. Nathalie smiled at him as she pulled back from the kiss. She helped him stand up. He had to shower, and she was going to help him.

“C’mon,” Nathalie tugged on his hand after helping him out of his clothes and pulling off her own.

She led him to the shower and allowed the cold water to rain down on both their bodies. She took the sponge and the soap and passed it all around his perfect body. All he could do was look at her. She took such great care of him. Just gentle moves with her delicate hands all over his body. She even dropped on her knees to take care of his legs. And she was absolutely stunning, wet and exposed to him. Innocent eyes stared up at his own and his cock was getting harder the closer she inched to his crotch.

Nathalie’s cheeks grew a bright red and so did his own and he chuckled. “I- I’m sorry about that, let’s ignore it-”

“Well, I can’t have sex in my current state, but,” Nathalie stood up and she lathered the soap in his hair as well. She urged him to bring his face to her shoulder so that she could reach his hair. This man was unbelievably taller. She would have to pick herself on her tiptoes and that wouldn’t be a wise move considering the tiles were wet and slippery. Nathalie massaged his skull with gentle moves and Erwin sighed in her neck. His arm tightened around her and tugged her closer. Her breath found his ear. Lips brushed against his earlobe as she spoke. “I’ll take care of that too,”

He chuckled and he pulled back to look at her. “What did I say about spoiling me?”

She grinned. “That you love it?”

“I’m pretty sure that’s not what I sai- Oh,” Erwin choked back a grunt and let out a cough instead as she wrapped her slippery, soapy fingers around his hard cock. He stuttered on his words pathetically and buried his face back in her shoulder to hide from her. She gave him a few tight, slow strokes. Her hand slipped perfectly on his large, warm shaft. “Fuck,” He groaned.

“You’re going to be good and cum on my hand,”

Nathalie had surprised herself. She had no idea where this had come from, but she knew he liked it and so did she. It felt so good having control over this man for once. He bit down on her neck to hide his sounds. She was merely working him with her hand, and he was already so close. They hadn’t done this in months. He had missed her so much.

“Dammit, Nat,” He cursed as she clenched her fist around his length. His hips were almost twitching to meet her touch and rut himself in her fist like a puppy.

For the first time in his life, he was letting a woman take the lead in sex and it just felt so good. He was already breathing hard. So worked up over the simplest touch.

“So fast?” Nathalie pulled her hand away and he bit his lip to hold back any sound of disappointment and annoyance. She pulled back to look at him and she had that playful smile on her lips. His hand was thrown on the wall behind her, trapping her there and she grinned. “I’ve got to bathe too, though, and you’re going to watch me without touching yourself till I’m done,”

“And why should I take orders from my second in command?” Erwin smirked.

“Because, if you’re good, I’m going to let you fuck my throat,”

Erwin shivered and bit the inside of his cheek. Fuck. This woman was going to drive him insane, and he didn’t even know she was capable of this. Making him feel inferior and abiding to her wishes. No woman had ever made him feel like that before. She held every power over him, and he found it oddly, so very satisfying.

So, he used every spec of restraint and tried not to launch right in as he watched her. She scrubbed the soap thoroughly all over her perfect body. Every inch of her, every part was perfect. She was absolutely breathtaking. She was all his. Mine. Nathalie opened the water to rinse both their bodies off the soap and he couldn’t help it anymore. He kissed her hard as she rubbed the soap off his hair, his body and then her own. And once that was done, Nathalie dropped to her knees and took him in her mouth. Salty precum lingered on the tip and she tasted it with her tongue and Erwin groaned.

His hand reached for her wet hair and kept them back as she tried to force him all the way in the sweet, warm depths of her mouth. She was so warm, and wet. Her saliva, giving all the lube she needed to begin bobbing her mouth up and down his fat, long length. She rubbed his heavy balls in her fingers and hollowed her cheeks to tighten them around his cock.

His sounds were the best thing. He had never been so vocal before and she loved it. She tried to memorise every sweet little sound. His arm clenched in her hair and he brought her closer, forcing his cock further down her throat and forcing her to gag and choke. Saliva dripped to her chin and she could hardly breathe, but the light-headedness felt good. Pleasing this man felt so good. She grasped onto his firm hips for leverage as he began fucking her mouth and his fingers let go of her hair, throwing his arm on the wall instead to keep himself steady.

“I’m gonna cum in your mouth, and you’re going to be a good girl and take it,” Erwin groaned.

Nathalie couldn’t speak but she nodded eagerly and she let him use her mouth like a cocksleeve. She was everything he wanted. Everything he needed. His sweet girl. Erwin grunted as he came down her throat. Hot ropes of white, salty liquid ran down her throat and she swallowed all of it. His hips were still twitching. He couldn’t remember cumming so hard in his life. He petted her hair and he pulled his cock out of her mouth. A streak of saliva still connecting the tip with her lips and she sucked in deep breaths.

Nathalie pulled herself back up on her feet, losing her balance slightly and throwing her hands on his chest for support. He wrapped his arm around her and he looked down at her searching for any kind of discomfort.

“I didn’t go too hard, did I?” Erwin asked and she chuckled.

“No,” She pecked his lips and shook her head. She grinned. “I told you I’d take care of it,”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

 

“Zeke? W- What are you doing here?”

 

“Do you realise how dangerous it is for you to roam around the streets on your own?” Zeke grinned. “We got intel that the MPs are out on a hunt for you,”

 

Nathalie sighed. “Let me guess, Marley sent you to look after me,”

Chapter 53: Stalked

Notes:

TYSM FOR THE SUPPORT JNHJKV PLS ENJOY

It felt so real. Poor little Nathalie. It felt so real to be there. Seated on the cold floor, in an empty room, in a corner. Legs brought to her chest and her arms wrapped around her legs. And even though the room looked empty and there was no one inside it but herself, Nathalie knew she wasn’t alone. Nathalie’s head rolled to the back, touching the cold white concrete wall behind her. She was wearing nothing but a gown. Just a white gown. Her glasses were missing, but she could still see clearly. She could see more than herself inside the empty room.

She knew the room was empty. She knew the figures – the shadows, the demons that she saw in the room with her, they weren’t real. They were right there, standing by the other corner, staring at her with bright yellow eyes. Black, dark figures that looked like shadows and their eyes were all that she could distinguish, and she knew they were staring at her.

Nathalie hadn’t yet noticed that her body was shaking. She was terrified. Whispers flooded her mind. Incomprehensible. She couldn’t tell what they were saying, but she knew she was trapped there. She was trapped with those shadows in the room that she didn’t know who they were, what they wanted. They just stood there, with their devilish eyes staring at her.

She shut her eyes. They weren’t there if she couldn’t see them. Nathalie buried her face in her arms, and she shut her eyes and wept silently. They’re not real. They’re not real. They’re not real… they were real to her. They were there and they wanted something, and she didn’t know what because they were talking to her, but she couldn’t understand what they were saying. Multiple voices in her mind all at once. And the volume went up until they were shrieking, and Nathalie’s hand reached for her hair, her head. She clutched on her hair, pulling on them. The shrieks were getting louder and louder, and she was going insane.

Nathalie screamed. She screamed for them to stop. But they wouldn’t. It only amplified their sound. Nathalie’s fingers fisted in her hair, and she shut her eyes tightly. They’re not real. They’re not real. They’re not real. They were real to her. They’re not real… oh but they were. They’re not real if I can’t see them. Nathalie kept her eyes shut until she felt a strong arm wrapping around her throat and pinning her head back on the wall.

Her eyes widened and she gasped for air, but she couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t breathe because the arm around her throat was tight, restricting the intake of air and she was suffocating. And she looked up. She looked around the room searching for the man, the person that was choking her, and she saw no one. Where did those hands come from?

Nathalie pressed a hand back against the wall to pick herself up on her feet, but the hands forced her to crash back down on the floor and something else caught her own hands, pinning them to the wall.

The wall.

That’s where her captors were. They were inside the wall. Those hands were coming from the wall. Impossible, but real. So real, Nathalie couldn’t breathe. She felt light-headed. She felt the energy draining from her. Her demons had gotten to her. They were choking her. They were going to kill her. She couldn’t breathe. Her movements died down. There was no fighting this anymore. She had no choice but to give in. There was no choice but to die in the clutches of her own demons – her own mind – herself. And she fought against it – she tried. She tried to stand up. She tried to break free, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t escape this and she couldn’t cry out for help. No one was going to help her. She was alone and only alone could she fight a battle inside her mind.

Nathalie’s eyes now stared blankly in some random spot in the room and her body slipped down off the wall. Lifeless she laid there on the floor, oxygen drained from her lungs, and the only hands that were wrapped around her throat, were her own.

Nathalie woke up with a shout. Hopefully, no one had heard her. She looked down at the papers that lingered on her desk. The abandoned pen that she had been using, lay aside the ink pot. Nathalie buried her face in her hands and shivered. She was cold. She had passed out on the desk. She rubbed her tired eyes. It was quiet and dark. Still late in the night – or very early in the morning. Nathalie caught the oil lamp that rested by her desk, and she lit it up with a match to bring some light.

She wished she hadn’t.

The shadows were real, and they were right there, at the corner of her office. They were staring at her with bright yellow, devilish eyes. Nathalie shut her eyes and she shook her head. It’s all in my head. She nodded to herself. It’s all in my head. Her twisted, defective mind was making her life a living hell. Nathalie’s hands began to shake and her legs felt wobbly as she stood up to walk around her desk. She couldn’t stay alone in the same room. No, she couldn’t stay there.

Nathalie rushed out of her quarters and shut the door behind her. She looked up and they were still there, following her, chasing her. Many of them. She couldn’t tell who or what they were. Nathalie didn’t know what to do, now stuck in the hall in the middle of the night. Where was she supposed to go? What was she supposed to do?

She did not question her decision. She headed for Erwin’s quarters. He would keep her safe. He wouldn’t question why she was there, searching for his embrace, his warmth, the safety. They wouldn’t follow her there, right?

They probably would. And he would probably question why she was there and why she was clutching onto him so tight. He would probably ask, and she’d have nothing to answer, because he couldn’t know. Because her demons were chasing her, but this was all inside her mind. None of this was real. But he couldn’t know. He couldn’t find out. She couldn’t tell him. She would lose her job. She would lose her research. She would lose him. She would lose the future that she wanted to have with him.

Nathalie ignored the surprising fact that for once, Erwin was sleeping on his bed. He looked peaceful. His hair was messy against his pillow. His one hand was tucked beneath his pillow, beneath the spot where his cheek was pressed. Nathalie kicked off her boots and she slipped beneath the blankets. She shifted beside him and nested her face to his neck. She shut her eyes and breathed him in and she sighed in relief. It was much easier to ignore the voices inside her mind now. It was much easier to convince herself that those shadows at the corner of the room were her wicked imagination, because she wrapped her arms around him and she clutched on him – she clutched on her reality.

Erwin stirred slightly. It was night, but he could tell exactly who it was. He looked down at the familiar feeling of messy brown hair that tickled his chin and small arms that couldn’t quite fully wrap around him, snuck beneath his white shirt, to touch the skin of his back, his shoulders, his torso. His sweet girl was there. Nathalie was there. He pulled his arm from his pillow and wrapped it around her waist, shifting her closer.

“Nathalie,”

He spelled out her name with a sleepy, deep, gruff voice. He buried his face in her hair and he drew in her familiar scent. It was her, his sweet woman. He did wonder why she was there. He did wonder whether there was something wrong, whether she needed something, but then he questioned himself – did she really need a reason to be there apart from the simple yet dangerous reason, that she just wanted to be close to him? She just wanted to be there. She wasn’t there to fuck, or, please him somehow. She was there because she wanted to. She wanted to be close to him. She wanted to touch him and push his shirt up and convince herself that this was her reality. This man was proof of what was real to her and what wasn’t.

She needed that. She needed that a lot.

“Sshh,” Nathalie’s arms tightened around him, and she shut her eyes closed. “Just hold me,”

And he was more than willing to comply to her wish. He only wished he had both hands to cage her in, but considering how small she was compared to him, one arm more than sufficed.

༻◊۞◊༺

“You want to ask so badly, don’t you?”

Nathalie couldn’t help but notice the intense, continuous stares coming from Miche, Hange, Moblit and Nanaba that had settled on the table, in the Mess Hall in the next morning. All four of them had tried their best not to bring everything up, but since Erwin didn’t seem to give any hints about his reaction to… everything, they couldn’t help but wonder what the hell had happened between the two.

“What did he say?!” Nanaba cried out.

“What did you tell him?!” Moblit asked.

“He looked so calm when I saw him today!” Hange added.

“Wasn’t he mad about it… at all???” Miche asked. He genuinely thought Erwin would get mad. He would go insane to know he had just lost a child in the hands of its own mother – it did sound extreme, but it was extreme.

“Oh, he was mad, but we… talked it through,” Nathalie summed it all up with a single, unsatisfying sentence as she sipped on her tea, ignoring all four of them as they stared at her waiting for more to it.

“And?” Hange needed to know more.

“C’mon, there’s gotta be more,” Nanaba groaned.

“Guys, I don’t think we should press the matter anymore,” Moblit sighed.

“No. If she can handle Erwin’s wrath, she can handle anything,” Miche arched an eyebrow and Nathalie laughed against the brim of her mug of tea.

“Levi is scarier when angry,” Nathalie grinned.

“Oohh! You’ve seen him? Is he hot when angry?! I bet he is,” Hange asked excitedly.

“Hange!” Moblit scolded her.

“What! It’s important that I know… for science,”

“No, it isn’t!”

“Section Commander Hange! Section Commander Burgess! The horses are ready!” A soldier’s voice came from behind and snapped all of them out of their rather interesting conversation.

Oh right. They were both to meet Levi and his New Special Operations’ squad in their new HQ outside the City. Eren was to transform, and Nathalie and Hange were to gather all the spinal fluid they could get. Nathalie was certain that was a great step towards the completion of her research.

Apparently, according to the reports, Eren was able to command mindless titans with his scream after coming in contact with a certain titan that was sadly dead now. That titan was royal blooded. That was the only explanation that Nathalie suggested and it made perfect sense. It was the only she could explain why the boy was capable of commanding titans, considering he carried the Founding Titan.

That was proof that Eren indeed carried the Founder. Nathalie had reported this all to Erwin the same morning after reading the reports on the rescue mission that she had failed to join in.

Nathalie missed from just one mission in all her years in the Survey Corps, and Erwin lost his arm. She shouldn’t let this man go anywhere without her. But Nathalie was so close. She just needed the equipment and she could make this all wound healing serum. She could regenerate his arm back up. She knew she could. She just couldn’t separate the titan-shifting protein from the regenerating protein with the current tools. All of that was found mixed in a mindless titan’s spinal fluid but if she injected that liquid to Erwin, he would get his arm back, with the consequence of shifting into a titan.

Dammit. She just needed the right equipment.

If there really was a lab beneath the palace, she could make everything they needed. She could make a serum that could turn a titan back into a human. She could find a way to cure all injuries, all diseases. Titans were a marvel. They were a beautiful calamity that could help bring an end to all diseases if science was combined with their marvellous biology.

She had figured it out.

Nathalie, Hange and Moblit rode on their horses all the way to the new Special Ops HQ. It wasn’t too far. Just outside Trost, but nicely secluded in forests and valleys that were perfect for this kind of research. Vast species for Eren to transform.

They tied their horses to the barn and Levi was already there. He was in a white shirt and black pants. His arms were crossed against his chest and he had that indifferent look on his face that Nathalie had learned to decipher. Was he… worried? Nathalie hadn’t seen Levi in so long. She had missed him.

“Erwin picked a nice place for you,” Hange commented.

Levi shrugged. “Petra and the brats are waiting outside,”

“Right! I can’t wait to start!” Hange and Moblit made their way out of the barn and Nathalie followed but Levi’s hand found her shoulder stopping her.

“Are you okay?” Levi asked. “I heard what happened,”

Hange hadn’t missed the chance to tell him. He couldn’t believe so many things had happened and he wasn’t there for her. He hadn’t gotten the chance. Erwin had sent him away the second he got the chance. The bastard just wanted to keep Levi away from her for as long as possible. It frustrated Levi. It really did.

Nathalie turned and gave him a smile. She nodded reassuringly. “Don’t you worry. I’m alright,”

Levi parted his lips to say something but he didn’t really know what to say. He wanted to ask more. He wanted to know more. Nathalie had a bad habit of pretending that everything was alright when it just wasn’t. She noticed his hesitation and she couldn’t help it.

Nathalie pulled him into a tight hug, burying her face in his shoulder. Levi’s shoulders immediately gave in, and he wrapped his arms tightly around her waist. He buried his face in her shoulder and he drew in her scent, and he sighed in utter relief. Nathalie smiled in the crook of his neck, and she brought her hand to his hair, burying her thin, delicate fingers beneath his undercut and scratching gently. Levi had to bite his lip to hold back a grunt. He had missed this so much. He had missed her touch. How she’d play with his hair. How she’d touch him. Her scent. He had missed her so much, and he wouldn’t dare admit it.

“I missed you, my darling Levi,” Nathalie spoke sweetly as she pulled back to look at him. His argent eyes met her own and she brought her hand to his cheek.

God, she was gorgeous as ever. She should have been his. She should have been all his, but he had lost that chance. Her heart ached for Erwin. It wasn’t his, and he already had someone. Levi wanted to kiss her, but he would never do that when Petra was waiting for him outside.

Levi pulled his arms from around her and he let go of her. “Let’s go. The brats are waiting,”

Nathalie nodded and followed him outside. Eren, Mikasa and Armin rushed to her side and cried out her name. Nathalie laughed and pulled all three of them into a tight hug.

“I missed you guys so much!” Nathalie giggled as she ruffled Eren’s and Armin’s hair. “Look at you, climbing the ranks so fast. I’m so proud of you,”

Armin, Mikasa and Eren let out laughs. Eren tugged on her hand. “Let me introduce you to horseface- er, Jean,”

“Hey!” Jean frowned but then he tensed up turning at Nathalie and saluting her. “Uh, nice to meet you, ma’am,”

“This is Connie, Sasha, and Historia,”

Nathalie’s eyes widened and she approached Connie. “Connie Springer, right?” She placed a hand on his shoulder, and she gave him a smile. “I heard about what happened to your village. I’m so sorry about what happened to your mom,”

“Oh- uh- i- it’s- uh- thank you, ma’am,” Connie stuttered.

“I give you, my word. I will turn your mom back into human,” Nathalie promised, and his eyes widened.

“W- Wait, is that even possible?” Sasha asked surprised.

Nathalie smirked. “Anything’s possible with science, darling,”

They were such nice kids. Nathalie could tell right away why Levi was handling things greatly with them as his new squad. They were skilled and disciplined and easy to work with. Nathalie could hardly understand how hard it must have been for Connie having his entire village transforming into titans and then slaughtered by his very comrades. Not mention that his mom was a mindless titan, unable to move, stuck there atop the debris of his own house. But she would turn her back. Nathalie had promised it. She would do it.

Historia Reiss was the royal-blooded one. It was written all over her. The blonde hair, the bright blue eyes. All features that Zeke bore as well. It made perfect sense that she was of Royal Blood.

There wasn’t any progress with Eren hardening his titan skin. Nathalie couldn’t yet allow Eren and Historia to come in contact. She wasn’t quite certain of the after-effects of it, but she just knew it would lead to nothing good. So, there was in strict orders that Levi was to never let those two have the slightest touch. Nathalie was trying to prevent things.

After gathering as much titan spinal fluid from Eren’s titan as they could, Nathalie, Hange and Moblit paid one last visit to Ragako village and after taking Connie’s permission, Nathalie gathered titan spinal fluid from Mrs. Springer as well. She needed to figure out what would happen if she brought a titan-shifter’s spinal fluid together with a mindless titan’s spinal fluid. She needed to test them both on Eldian blood and see the reaction.

On their way back to Trost, there was one last thing that Nathalie had to do. She turned at Hange and Moblit that rode on their horses alongside her. “I’ll pass by the cemetery,” Nathalie said as she passed on the bottles of spinal fluid to Moblit who was riding beside her. “You guys go on without me,”

Hange nodded. “Right,” She said before the two of them rode away and Nathalie led her horse to a different direction.

It was afternoon. The sun had begun to slip behind the walls. The streets were growing quieter. Nathalie entered the cemetery with her horse. All the graves were covered with white marble with names carved on top. There was bright green grass, and the sky was a brilliant purple. It was all the way back where the graves of her parents rested. She had burned the bodies herself, but she buried the ashes eventually. Nathalie tied her horse to a nearby tree and she made her way within the cemetery.

She found the two white marbles. Their names carved on top. Some soil had been dusted on top of the white marble. Nathalie sank to her knees and dusted the soil away. She looked at the two tombstones and just remained there, kneeling down in silence.

So many things had happened since the last time she had been there. She had started going insane. She had lost a child. She had irrevocably fallen in love with a man. A man that had lost an arm, and now they were about to set a plan in motion to overthrow their rotten kingdom. And all the theories she had in mind to put to action and save the world somehow with science. Nathalie had so many things to tell them. They were her true parents after all. They had raised her. They had supported her. They had loved her more than she deserved it. They were there for her when her biological parents were gone. She had a normal happy childhood because of them.

Maybe if they were still around, she wouldn’t have given up on her child. She would have resigned, yes, but she would go back and stay with them, and they would support her like they always did. She would never be scared of being alone, and raising a child alone, because she would have had them. They were always there for her. She could always count on them.

Not anymore.

Nathalie let out a soft sob and she shut her eyes pushing tears down her cheeks. “Mom… dad… I miss you both,” She wiped her cheeks. Maybe she would have been able to handle everything better if they were there to advise her, to be there for her to lean onto.

“It’s hard to understand how one would mourn for their parents like that,”

Nathalie’s eyes widened and she looked up to see a familiar man approaching her. “Zeke? W- What are you doing here?”

“Do you realise how dangerous it is for you to roam around the streets on your own?” Zeke grinned. “We got intel that the MPs are out on a hunt for you,”

Nathalie sighed. Of course, they would be out for her. She was a Burgess, and the King probably knew about the Burgesses. Of course, he would order his lapdogs to hunt her down. She was surprised it took them that long.

“Let me guess, Marley sent you to look after me,” It was annoying.

He shrugged. “You can say that,” He knelt down beside her on the soil and he looked at the tombstones in front of her. “So,” he tucked his hands in the pockets of his pants. “How does it work?”

Nathalie arched an eyebrow. “Mourning for one’s parents?” He really needed an explanation for that? This man had lost so much and mourned so little. He wasn’t really given any reasons to miss them and love them. Everything that Grisha had told her was enough to know he had made the young Zeke’s life terrible in his own blindness and stupidity.

Zeke nodded and she sighed and looked back up at the tombstones. She couldn’t tell whether he was lucky for not knowing how it felt or not.

“Didn’t you mourn for Dr Ksaver?” Nathalie asked. It was her mother’s brother. A man that she had only seen in her mother’s memories. The man who had raised him. Zeke fell silent and Nathalie smiled. “I guess… you could say it’s something like that,”

“I see,”

It was strange how he fell silent. No sassy remarks, no stupid little smile that was aiming to get on her nerves. Was it sadness? Had he really never gotten the chance to mourn? Was he doing it now, in a real cemetery, with her? It was strange, yet sad, because she could tell Marley hadn’t given him much freedom to do anything.

Nathalie didn’t know whether it was a bad idea or a stupid move. Honestly, she didn’t really care. Her hand reached for his own on his lap and she held it in her own and gave it a gentle squeeze, which was most surprising, because no one had done this to him in so long. He could hardly remember the last time he actually had someone there for him, looking at him with a certain look that spelled understanding.

He looked away from her and it wasn’t until a few seconds later when she stood up and made her way towards her horse. “I should get going,” Nathalie mounted her horse and caught the reins. She turned and gave him one last look. “So long as I know the Chief Warrior of Marley is following my every footstep, I suspect I have nothing to fear,”

She shook the reins and urged the horse to start moving, leaving Zeke behind to stare at her as she rode on her horse. A small smile spread on his lips. It was true that he had already killed two Military Police officers that were on the lookout for her.

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap

“I’m not going anywhere,” Nathalie spoke silently. “If they kill you, then I’d rather they kill me too,”

“No,” Erwin shook his head. The last thing he wanted was getting her killed because of his very own selfless actions. “You’re important. You’re the only one who can save the world as it is-”

“The world doesn’t matter to me if you’re not in it,”

Chapter 54: Fear 🟥

Notes:

this chap is 4,7k words you lucky hoes

it's horny and depressed

my two main moods AHAHAHAH

TYSM FOR READING AND COMMENTING!!!!

The second Nathalie walked into the Survey Corps HQ, she found Erwin, Miche and Levi by the door. All three of them seemed stressed and in a hurry, and for a second, Nathalie couldn’t really tell why. But when they saw her, they all seemed to calm down.

“Thank the fucking Walls,” Miche sighed in relief and buried his face in his hands.

“Why the urgency? What’s going on?” Nathalie asked confusedly.

“What are you doing out on your own?! Where were you?!” Levi caught both her shoulders and shook her body slightly.

“I- I was just… visiting my parents at the cemetery. What’s wrong?” Nathalie repeated her question. Levi’s hold was tight around her shoulders. For a second, they were actually scared that the MPs had gotten to her. She hadn’t returned with Hange and Moblit when they got back. They thought they had gotten her.

“Word’s gone out,” Erwin got between her and Levi, conveniently pushing Levi away from her. He couldn’t tell why, but he couldn’t stand the sight Levi – a man who had already been with her – touching her in any way. But that didn’t matter now. “The MPs know who you are and what you are, and what you know,”

“They’re out for you. We can’t have you wonder around alone,” Levi said, and Nathalie scoffed.

“I am a veteran of the Scout Regiment. I can handle myself,” Nathalie said.

“I am certain you can,” Erwin said with a small smirk. “But they are many, and you are important. Which is why the only person I can entrust to keep you safe is Levi,” Erwin sighed. He hated this, but it was the only way. “You and Levi will leave tonight, and you are to stay with the Special Operations Squad until further notice,”

No. There was no way she was going to leave. She wanted to stay. She knew what Erwin was planning to do. It was an insane, risky plan and she had tried to talk him out of it. But now he was sending her away. Nathalie had followed every single order he had given her so far, but there was no way she could follow this one. No. There was no way she was going to leave him now. Erwin was going to die if she wasn’t there to keep that from happening.

“No! I’m not going anywhere!”

“Nat, it’s the only way-” Levi tried to touch her, but she slapped his hand away and took a step back away from him. His eyes widened at her reaction. She had never done that to him, and he never thought she ever would. Nathalie parted her lips to speak, but she groaned instead. She already had a soldier looking after her. She didn’t necessarily have to go with Levi.

She wanted to stay and make sure that Erwin wasn’t going to try anything too stupid. But she never planned to tell them about Zeke. She never planned to tell them about Marley and the deal she had made with them, and the fact that whatever happened, she would keep her end of the deal. She didn’t know what Erwin was planning to do. How he was planning to use her against Marley, but he didn’t know that Marley would ignore their two thousand years of hatred and would actually accept all Eldians that would get treated by the vaccine that she was planning to make.

“There’s something I need to tell you all, but I can’t do it here,”

They were still at the doorstep of the Survey Corps HQ building and Erwin nodded. “My office,”

And once all four of them entered Erwin’s office Nathalie sighed heavily. A clear sign that whatever she was about to say, she wasn’t planning to say it in the first place.

“Marley has sent a soldier to look after me. I do not deem it necessary for Levi to do it as well whilst he already has his hands full with Historia and Eren,” Nathalie said.

“A soldier? Who? Where is he?” Miche arched an eyebrow. “Have you met?”

“I don’t think he plans on meeting any of you, but yes, I know him. He’s a skilled man,” Nathalie said.

“He’s not Levi,” Miche frowned.

“No one is Levi,” Nathalie looked at Levi who shifted uncomfortably on his other foot, back against the wall, arms crossed against his chest. “But maybe, I don’t need a Levi. Besides, I have research to do, and I need my lab,”

Miche groaned. “Your research can wait. You are the only one who can do that research, Nat. For now, we keep you safe until Erwin’s plan is through,”

“Erwin’s plan is insane!” Nathalie burst but Miche sighed and ignored her. He turned at Erwin was standing by his desk with a sceptical look on his face.

“Say the word, and I’ll take her somewhere safe with my squad,” Miche said.

Nathalie parted her lips to say something, but Erwin spoke. “No. Levi, go back to base. We’ve kept you long enough. Miche, I’ll let you know. Nathalie and I need to discuss this alone,”

“Right, yeah, I know what that means,” Miche rolled his eyes. He and headed for the door. “I’m gonna go to sleep,” He wouldn’t be getting new orders any time soon. Levi followed him out and they closed the door behind, leaving Nathalie and Erwin alone.

“You know the soldier Marley sent enough to vouch for his skill, but you weren’t planning to tell me about it, were you?”

Nathalie’s eyes widened as she watched him head for his desk, pulling another pile in front of him and settling on his chair to start working on it. Nathalie parted her lips to speak but, no words came out. He just knew her so well. He knew she was going to keep that from him. He could tell.

“I… I’ve no idea what you’re-”

“You can’t fool me, Nathalie. You may fool them, but not me,” Erwin cut her firmly and his eyes met her own and she shifted uncomfortably in her place. What was it that she was hiding? Why was she hiding so many things from him?

Nathalie sighed. “I do know him. I wasn’t planning to tell you,”

“Why?” Why would she keep anything from him?

Nathalie crossed her arms against her chest. “He is of royal blood,” she said, and Erwin’s eyes widened. “He’s Grisha’s other son. Eren’s half-brother. Of course, he doesn’t know he’s got a brother. I haven’t told him anything, but he is of royal blood and I’m the only one who knows apart from himself, and I don’t know what you’d do with him if you knew,”

“So, you’re protecting him?” Erwin had read in her notes about Grisha’s story and everything the man had told her. She had reported everything. But he couldn’t understand why she would protect a man that she barely knew. Unless she knew him more than Erwin thought.

“I’ve known his father, okay? He was a friend of mine. He made me promise to protect Eren, he would ask me to do the same for Zeke,”

“ It doesn’t matter. You should have told me. The fate of the world is relying on this,” Erwin stated firmly. So, there was a royal-blooded titan shifter out there. He could already think of all the possibilities. They could bring him in contact with Eren and they could finish this all in a matter of days. But there were titans out there too. Not just on their island.

And the biggest issue right now was the King who was already trying to silence them. Nathalie was in danger.

“You’re right,” Nathalie looked down apologetically. “I was wrong not to want to tell you. I’m sorry,” And he was right. A royal-blooded individual was important. They could use that, but it wasn’t as easy for her to use someone as it was for him.

Erwin sighed and he stood up and approached her. He caught her chin between his fingers, and he urged her to look up at him. “You need to stop keeping things from me. You need to start listening to me,”

“I’ve always listened to you,”

“Not anymore,” Erwin cupped her cheek. “I can no longer protect you like I once could, Nathalie,”

She had to understand this. He had lost an arm. He was useless in combat. He could not protect her. He could not hold her. He could not give her the affection she needed. He could not afford listening to her when she’d try to talk him out of his gambles on his life. He wasn’t enough. She did not deserve a crippled man who could not protect her. She was not safe by his side, but she could be safe by Levi’s side. As much as he hated it, Levi was the only one who could protect her sufficiently right now.

And she saw this in that look in his eyes. She heard it in his voice. He did not feel enough. He wasn’t the man he once was. Or at least he didn’t feel like it. He had too much to do, and too many people to disappoint, herself included.

But none of that was true, and she hated that he thought of himself so low. Erwin didn’t need to lose an arm to break her heart and disappoint her. He had broken her heart and he had disappointed her so many times already, long before any of this. But she had disappointed him as well. And after all of those endless cycles of hurt and get hurt, she was there, and he was there, and there was nothing they’d let get between them except maybe death.

One less arm wasn’t going to change how much she loved him. He had to understand that.

Nathalie made a step closer, and she cupped his cheeks with both her hands as his one arm settled on her waist. Erwin closed his eyes. He was tired, and her fingers were so warm, so tender on his face.

“I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that now that you lost you arm, you’re not enough,” Nathalie said, and he opened his eyes to look at her.

“It doesn’t matter. You’re not safe. You need to be safe. I’ll have Miche take you somewhere safe-”

“If the MPs want to find me, they will-”

“They won’t if you’re out of their reach,”

“And you won’t hesitate to get yourself killed if I’m not there to stop you,” Nathalie said bitterly and he sighed heavily looking away from her, almost guiltily. She knew him so well.

He just wanted her out of the way. He was going to gamble on his life, and she was the only obstacle. She was the only reason for him to want to stay alive – or at least try. He wouldn’t mind dying over this if he had no one waiting for him. He had tried to avoid this troublesome attachment. But now, it was unavoidable. They were both way too deep in this relationship, because every touch, every word, every second he spent in a room with her, he adored it. He wished for such moments to never end.

He wished to be with her for the entirety of his days, and this was wrong. He had things keeping him back. He had things keeping him from tossing his life away. He had her. She was his weakness. This was so wrong. So damn wrong.

“You were going to send me away… to protect me, while I’m not there to stop you from getting yourself killed,” Nathalie said.

“It doesn’t matter!” Erwin snapped and she pulled her hands away from his face.

She took a step back when he raised his voice and then he realised he had snapped. He was planning to potentially get himself hanged. He was preparing for the possibility to die publicly, and he did not want her to be there and see it.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Nathalie spoke silently. “If they kill you, then I’d rather they kill me too,”

“No,” He shook his head. The last thing he wanted was getting her killed because of his very own selfless actions. “You’re important. You’re the only one who can save the world as it is-”

“The world doesn’t matter to me if you’re not in it,”

She shut him up with just one sentence. A sentence that he could never think of himself saying to her. If she died, then he could see himself carrying out her plan and saving the world, or at least, die trying. That’s what he was telling himself at least. But if he died, then she wouldn’t mind abandoning everything. Everything she ever did, every action, she wanted it to lead to that one outcome, the life she wanted to have with him.

If he wasn’t there, then what was the point of fighting? She’d have no reason to keep doing this. She’d have no reason to keep fighting for.

Erwin pulled her into a hug. It was the least he could do after she said something like that. The world doesn’t matter to me if you’re not in it. Erwin’s arm tightened around her, and she wrapped both her arms around his shoulders, picking herself up on her tiptoes to bury her face in his chest. In that white, wrinkly shirt that was buttoned almost all the way up. He buried his face in her hair and he sighed upon meeting her scent. He closed his eyes, and his warm breath found her ear.

“I cannot protect you. I am not enough,” he admitted softly in her ear. He wished he could cage her in with both arms. He wished he could pick her up and bring her to his height and kiss her. He wished he was enough. “You do not deserve a crippled… self-destructive man,” her arms found his face to pull back and look up at him with glossy eyes.

“My darling Erwin, even when you’re missing all your limbs and your soul is torn to pieces… and the weight of all your burdens has crushed you down… and even if I’m crushed with you… you will forever be the man I love,” she said, and he could do nothing but hate himself and love her immensely. She was so precious. She was the only person in the world who could love him like this.

And he hated himself because he wasn’t letting himself love her just as much as she loved him. He couldn’t say it, but he could show it. That’s why he kissed her. He kissed her hard. Lips clashed on her own and teeth grazed her lips, biting and suckling and threatening to devour her. His arm tightened around her and she pressed her arms on his shoulders, getting some leverage to climb on his waist. She was finally just a little taller than him as her legs wrapped tightly around his waist and her chest came to his face.

Her fingers traced his cheeks, his jawline, and his eyes met her lips, and she knew he needed another kiss. So, she leaned down and caught his lips in her own again. She kissed him sweetly while her fingers clenched in the roots of his hair and his arm settled to her bottom, an assurance that she wouldn’t fall off. But even with one arm, she was easy to hold up. His little girl was small and weightless and perfect right there as she gave him the sweetest kiss. He couldn’t lose her. He couldn’t lose her.

He settled her on his desk, but her legs were still locked tight around him. She wasn’t letting him to go anywhere. He pulled from the kiss to look at her. Flushed cheeks and bitten lips and heaving chest. Messy hair and pupils dilated. That’s what he was doing to her. He was making her needy beyond measure. He was making her desperate, and she was having the exact same effect on him.

Alas, he had a plan that she wasn’t going to like, and of course, she would only find out when it was too late. But for all he knew, tonight was the last night he’d get the chance to have this with her. The desk wasn’t proper for a last night. He wanted to do this right.

“Let’s go to bed,” He whispered against her lips and her heart fluttered. Nathalie nodded frantically and slipped off his desk, taking his hand and guiding him to his bedroom.

She sat on his bed and lied down as he crawled on top of her. He wanted to touch her. He wanted to hold her. He wanted to unclothe her. He wanted so much to do to her. But he couldn’t, because his one arm was keeping himself from crushing her. Maybe this was a bad idea after all. Maybe he couldn’t handle this. Maybe they should just sleep.

“Nathalie, I can’t-”

“Hush,” Nathalie pressed her fingers on his lips. It was always him the one to do everything when they’d fuck. It was always him the one to unclothe her and thrust inside of her and take her to highest heights of pleasure.

Now, he couldn’t, and it bothered him. It bothered him immensely and she could tell, and she hated it. She hated how he viewed himself as not enough. She hated how he wanted to do everything and not even once allow someone to do something for him. She was willing to do everything for him. She was willing to offer him everything he wanted.

She would toss her freedom away if he asked her to. She would drop on her knees and worship him for the rest of their lives, but he just never asked for anything that had to do with pleasing himself.

In a blink of an eye, he was lying down and she was on top of him. He let out a laugh and she laughed with him as she straddled him. Nathalie cupped his cheeks and grinned playfully.

“You’re going to have to let me take care of you, Commander,”

He wrapped an arm around her thin waist. “I don’t think I can get quite used to that, Section Commander,”

“Well, you better get used to it,” Nathalie giggled against his lips before kissing him again.

Her hands worked on his shirt, unbuttoning it and then starting to unbutton her own. She pushed her shirt down her shoulders and tossed it aside, and then pushed his own off as well. Nathalie kicked off her skirt staying only in her undergarments. A white, innocent bra and white panties. She took off her glasses, stretching a hand out to place them on the nightstand. She kissed him all over his chest, his neck, his jawline. She kissed and nipped and suckled slightly but not enough to leave marks. She didn’t know whether he wanted any.

He still grunted and his hand reached for her hair, burying his fingers into them and clenching around the roots. His precious girl. She unbuckled his belt and helped him off his pants. She settled on his lap and he sat up, bringing his chest to her own. His arm slipped back down to her thighs, the small of her back, grasping tightly as his eyes met her own and a messy lock of hair fell on her forehead. She was absolutely stunning. Her skin was soft beneath his fingertips, and her hands were on his shoulders, on his face, in his hair. Her legs, parted around him. Knees digging on the bed on his sides.

His hand slipped further bellow, grasping her bottom in a large palm, urging her to grind on his clothed erection. He was so hard, pressing against her stomach and her lips parted in a pretty little gasp as she pulled on his hair as leverage to start moving like he wanted to. She dragged her throbbing clit against his cock and her plump lips parted in silent, little sounds.

His tongue pushed past her sweet lips, and he kissed her, and she melted right in like she always did. His sweet girl. He needed to take her. He needed to make this last. Tonight was precious. He was spending it with her. He didn’t know whether they would hang him. He was going to be arrested tomorrow – or so he expected.

By this hour, tomorrow, she would be somewhere far from him. She would be somewhere safe. She was going to hate him for it, but he would have kept her safe. She was important, not just for his plans. He couldn’t fool himself. She was important because he loved her above everything else.

The world doesn’t matter to me if you’re not in it. He was wrong to accuse himself that he’d never say it. He would say it. He would tell her the same because it was true. If he lost her, he would go on with his plans to save the world, but mentally he would still be a dead man without her.

She pulled his cock in her hand and she gave him a few tight strokes making him groan in her mouth. He pulled from her lips and he tried his best not to let out any sounds as she smeared his precum all over the sensitive tip with her gentle thumb. Nathalie picked herself up on her knees and she pushed her panties aside. She brought his cock to her hole, and she slowly sunk down on him.

A whimper escaped her throat. They hadn’t done this in a while, and no matter how wet she was, the stretch burned, and his sheer girth and size were splitting her in two. But she loved it. She pulled him all the way in. His fat tip, kissing her cervix effortlessly, and she panted burying her face in his neck and curling closer to him. He held her tight, brushing her hair away from her face and looking down at her as she nuzzled in his neck.

He cupped her cheek urging her to pull back to look at her and examine her face for any sign of discomfort. “Are you okay?” Erwin asked worriedly. They hadn’t done this ever since she lost their child. Maybe they shouldn’t be doing this right now. Maybe she was in pain. Maybe she couldn’t. Maybe he should-

“Yes,” Nathalie nodded, and she pulled back to look at him. She gave him a reassuring smile and she cupped his cheeks. “I just… I love you so much,” Her nose nuzzled against his own and her lips barely brushed his own as she whispered it. She shook head in denial. “Don’t leave me. You don’t ever have to tell me you love me, just please, don’t leave me,”

She shouldn’t be bringing this up right now. Now that their bodies were joined and the night was still young. They should just get this over with. He probably didn’t have any time for her. Loving him was a losing game. Everything they had was going to be crushed to rumble and she knew that. She had known all along. She knew they would never get the chance to build the life they both wanted. She knew it was going to be excruciatingly painful to love this man, yet she still chose it.

She chose it because she had no choice. There was no letting go of this man. There was no leaving him. She couldn’t just ignore what she felt like he was asking her to. Maybe he could ignore the fact that he loved her. He could deny it even. But it wouldn’t change what was true.

Erwin cupped her face and urged her to look at him. “And that’s why I won’t ever tell you I love you, because one day, I will have to leave you,” and maybe that day was tomorrow when he was going to be arrested. They were going to take him and no matter how flawless his plan was, it was still a gamble. He never knew for sure whether he was going to make it out or not.

A sob erupted from her throat and she buried her face in his neck finally allowing a few tears to run down her cheeks. “You’re cruel,” She clutched on him and wept silently in his neck.

Why was he being like this? Three words were all she could ask for. She had done everything for him. Everything he ever asked of her – even if it sabotaged herself, she did it, and he could not do that one simple thing? Just three words, even if he didn’t mean them. He could lie to her, and she’d take it. But maybe deep down, she knew why he was being like this.

She knew exactly what he was doing. He wanted her to hate him. He wanted her to loathe him deeply because that was the only way for him not to hurt her. She pulled back to look at him.

“Or that’s what you want me to believe. You want me to hate you so that it won’t hurt when I stand by and watch them hang you… well, it will hurt either way, because I know you love me, even when you’re not saying it… even when you’re denying it,”

What was he going to do with her? She had him figured out. Whatever he did, she just knew what he had in mind. She knew him so well. I love you. I love her so much. And for a moment his lips parted to say it, but nothing came out.

He merely kissed her again, but he kissed her hard. His arm tightened around her, fingers dug purple bruises on her hips and she gasped in his mouth at the sting but he only kissed her harder. He urged her to start moving. He tasted her salty tears on her lips and her sweet cunt clenched around him as she pulled him out and back in. He sighed in her mouth and licked her tears off her cheeks and buried his face in her neck as he guided her movements with his hand clutched on her hip.

She pressed her hands on his shoulders for leverage so that she could move better and hump on his cock that was brushing the deepest spots inside of her. She gasped and shut her eyes and her lips parted into a silent cry. He buried his face in her neck and bit and suckled and marked her lovely skin in teeth-shaped bruises that were going to last for days.

She humped his cock harder as need urged her on and continuous stimulation was sharply dragging her over the edge. She threw her head back and clutched her fingers in his hair. He groaned in her neck as she began to get tighter and tighter around him.

“ ‘m close… ‘m so close…”

“Do it…” He pulled his face from her neck to look at her face as it twisted in pleasure. “…cum for me, sweetheart… be good for daddy,”

She came on command like a good girl. Her pretty lips parted in a silent cry. She whimpered brokenly when he began thrusting up into her with far faster and harder moves than she had tried to. He coaxed another orgasm out of her and he gave in. He filled her tight cunt with his warm cum and she collapsed on top of him, burying her face in his neck, her body still trembling slightly.

He pressed kisses on her shoulder, her cheek, her temple, her sweet lips, while he stroked her hair. His pretty little girl was so precious right there, on his lap, their bodies still joined as they should be. He buried his face in her shoulder and he closed his eyes and held her close for a few more minutes.

He loved her so much. His arm tightened around her. So damn much, and she had no idea.

And she would never find out.

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap

 

“It’s happening to you,” Zeke breathed out shakily.

 

“What does that mean?!” Nathalie demanded.

 

“It means my work here is done,” Zeke urged his horse to turn and begin riding away. “You don’t need protection. They can’t kill you. No one can,”

Chapter 55: Disobeying Orders

Notes:

TYSM FOR THOSE AWESOME COMMENTS AND THE AWESOME SUPPORT 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

this is where shit go down MUAHAHAHHAHA

IT'S UNEDITED

Y'ALL I just finished drawing our babies being happy 🤧🤧🤧 but yeah they're not happy in this chapter LMFAO lemme know what you think!

༻◊۞◊༺

She was so very beautiful in the very early morning. The light blue, faint light that entered from the window shined perfectly on her pretty face. She lied there, on the side of his bed that she would usually lie on, dressed in her light blue shirt and her dark blue skirt, ready to be taken away from him. Erwin held her for hours. He did not sleep. Today was the day. He was going to be arrested today and the government would claim the entire Survey Corps as criminals.

Nathalie had to be taken away. It was the only way. She wouldn’t leave no matter what he tried. This was the only way and Erwin could only trust one man to do it, and that was Miche and his squad. They were going to take her away while she was still asleep.

Erwin knew he was crossing some lines. He knew this was wrong on a lot of moral levels, but she was important. He kept telling himself that it was only she who could save the world, but that was no longer his excuse.

Erwin sat beside her on the edge of the bed and he cupped her cheek. She wasn’t as precious to the world as she was to him. He brushed a strand of hair away from her face. His beautiful girl.

“You’re cruel,”

He was. He was both cruel to himself and her. He was a terrible man. She did not deserve it.

Erwin heard a knock on the door, and he stood up. He opened the door to Miche and the members of his squad outside keeping watch, all dressed up in their uniforms, ready to leave.

“Is she asleep?” Miche asked quietly and Erwin nodded letting him in and closing the door behind. Before Erwin could say anything, Miche spoke. “Don’t you think you’re crossing a few lines here? We’re taking her away against her will, man,”

Erwin knew Miche would bring this up, and he was right. They really were crossing some lines. But it was for the best. He just wanted to protect her but she wouldn’t let him. It was the only way.

“She has obeyed… every single order I’ve given her. Every wish, every request,” Erwin looked at her sleeping on his bed. “I can’t let her disobey this one. They are going to take her and they are going to kill her because she knows more than she should,”

And it was exactly what they had done to his father. He would never let that happen again. He would never lose anyone ever again like that. He wasn’t going to make it his fault again. Not like the first time. Never again. She was important not to the world. She was important to him. She was precious. He loved her and if he had to cross the line of consent to keep her away from her self-destructiveness, then he would do it.

She should have never fallen for him.

Miche nodded and he could have sworn, the way Erwin looked at her right now, he had never looked at any other woman in all the years he’d known his friend. Miche placed a hand on Erwin’s shoulder, finally earning his attention.

“I’ll keep her safe… you have my word,” Miche said reassuringly.

Erwin gave him a smile and he nodded at him before Miche picked her up off the bed and he carried her outside. He was going to make sure they take her to the outskirts of Wall Rose. The furthest away, the safest she was. The more she hated him, the better.

But Erwin feared that Nathalie ever hating him was impossible.

This should work. Taking her away was the only way to protect her.

༻◊۞◊༺

It was in the early evening when Miche and his squad were way out of Trost and nearby Wall Rose. That was the furthest they could take her. The furthest away from the capital, the better. The MPs wouldn’t come this far out, even if they claimed the entire Survey Corps as wanted criminals, they wouldn’t go this far away from the centre to catch her. At least for a couple of days, she should be safe.

Nathalie woke up at the feeling of the wagon bumping onto a particularly pointy stone. Wait… wagon? What was she doing on a wagon? She was being taken. She recognised the sound of horses riding and her eyes snapped open. It was morning and the light was blinding her at first. She blinked a few times, allowing her eyes to adjust to the light and she pulled herself on a sitting position. She looked at the man leading the carriage. It was a soldier from Miche’s squad that she recognised.

He turned and looked at her and his eyes widened. Miche was riding ahead. “Sir! She’s awake!”

Miche cringed. Nathalie was going to be pissed if she found out. But most importantly, she was going to make her way back to Trost and she was capable of doing it by foot. She was that stubborn. He knew that well.

“Nanaba, tie her up,” Miche ordered and Nanaba visibly cringed too, but she jumped from her horse to the wagon with a rope in her hands.

Nathalie crawled a few steps away from Nanaba and she looked up at the blonde cautiously. “What’s going on? What am I doing here?!” Nathalie demanded. Nanaba was clearly not enjoying this.

“We’re just following orders. I’m so sorry, Nat,”

“What kind of orders?!” Nathalie cried out, but maybe she didn’t need neither Nanaba, nor Miche to explain everything. She could already tell exactly what was going on. She looked around her, at the vast alleys and mountains and trees. She was far from Trost. They had taken her far from Trost. We’re just following orders. “Erwin’s orders?” Nathalie asked.

Would he really go that far? He had them kidnap her? This man was insane, and she knew that. She knew he would to great lengths to ‘keep her safe’, but he had never demonstrated that kind of excessiveness.

Miche slowed down his horse slightly so that he could ride alongside the wagon and talk to her. “Look, Nat, you know he’s right to want to keep you safe,” Miche tried to reason.

Nathalie shook her head. “You don’t understand. He doesn’t need me to save the world. I’ve given him everything he needs, but we need him!” Nathalie pulled herself up on her feet. She pointed a hand at the direction that led to Trost. “And he’s going to get himself killed, unless I do something about it!”

They couldn’t lose Erwin. Erwin was going to turn himself in. He was going to surrender. He was going to be brought before the King and no matter what he’d say, his fate had already been decided because he was a man who was chasing after the truth.

Everyone who ever tried to chase after the truth, had been wiped out. They were going to kill him no matter what he’d say, and she couldn’t allow that. Maybe she was useless. Maybe she couldn’t fight everyone for him, and she couldn’t protect him like she wished to – but if he was to die, then she wanted to die with him. She couldn’t watch them hang him. She wanted to be brought to the gallows with him.

That was her wish, and he knew it, and he had ignored it. He had ignored her wants, her consent, and he had Miche and his squad take her away from him without her consent.

“I know you love him, Nat, and I know you care about him, but you need to trust in his plan. He knows what he’s doing,” Miche said.

“No, he doesn’t! He doesn’t understand that his life is important,”

Erwin was the one that the world needed. The world didn’t need her. She was just a scientist. She was just a scientist who had tried to be a soldier. She had tried and she had failed. She had tried to be a strategist, she had failed.

“You’re useless. You should be the one heading for the gallows,” Yes.

It should have been me. Erwin was important. Erwin was brilliant. It was because of his leadership that they were so close to the truth. What if he was hanged now? What if they lost him? Who was going to lead them?

The world was a mess and Erwin was the only one who could lead them through it. Why couldn’t he understand that? Was he tired? Was he trying to get himself killed?

How selfish that would be?

She loved him.

She was there for him.

He had someone that would always wait for him.

Why would he get himself killed?

Did he not want her?

No. Nathalie refused to believe any of this. She was stubborn. Maybe if she wasn’t stubborn, she would have evaded all this hurt and heartache. She was flawed, and terrible, and stubborn, and all the worst possible things she could think of, but he loved her. She knew that much.

Or maybe he was just too good of an actor.

“Nathalie… if we survive this… if we achieve all we’ve talked about… you’re going to be my wife, and you’re going to give me a son, and a daughter, and a home,”

No. She wasn’t ready to let him go. He loved her.

“His life might be important,” Miche said. “But your life weighs more, Nathalie. And you know he doesn’t want to carry it,”

And he was right about that, but Nathalie wasn’t ready to live a life without him. Without the man that she had followed her entire life. Heck, even when they were children, playing in the streets with the other kids of the neighbourhood. Even then, Nathalie was by his side in every little game his brilliant mind had come up with.

She followed him in the Survey Corps. She followed him outside the Walls. She would follow him everywhere – even death.

“Well, I’m not ready to carry his own,”

Nathalie landed a powerful blow on Nanaba’s head with her elbow, knocking her unconscious. Tomas let go of the reins, stopping the wagon and he attacked Nathalie. Miche jumped off his horse to the wagon to attack as well, but Nathalie slipped off the wagon and everybody stopped their horses from moving. The other three members of the squad blocked her way and with Miche and Tomas, they surrounded her.

“You know it’s rude to knock unconscious someone’s girlfriend, don’t you?” Miche frowned, clearly displeased. Nanaba would be having a terrible headache because surprisingly, the blow on her head was unnaturally hard for a woman like Nathalie.

“It’s rude to kidnap unconscious someone’s girlfriend too,” Nathalie frowned.

“Give me one reason not to tie you, and I won’t,” Miche growled. Nathalie was starting to get on his nerves.

“I can give you many reasons as to why you should let me go back,”

“Not happening,”

Nathalie’s eyes flashed a bright red, even for just a second, even for just one blink, but Miche could have sworn he saw it. A small, unfamiliar smirk spread across her lips.

“Well, I guess we’ll do this the hard way,”

༻◊۞◊༺

Nathalie took one of their horses and she rode back towards Trost. She whipped the reins of the horse once more, urging it to start moving faster. She had to hurry. She had to get there before they caught him. She had to take him out of there. Erwin was in danger and he was in no shape to fight anyone right now, and even if they got him, and locked him, then she wanted to be with him. She would get locked up too, but she didn’t mind. She would get trialled and led to be hanged, but she didn’t mind.

She didn’t mind it at all.

The sound of a horse riding behind her reached her ears. Someone was following her. Her eyes widened and she turned to glance back. It couldn’t possibly be Miche and his squad. She had knocked them all unconscious, and they wouldn’t be gaining their senses any time soon.

It wasn't Miche and no other member of his squad. It was Zeke. He had been following her all along, hadn’t he? She arched an eyebrow. He had been doing such a good job in being discreet and unnoticed. Yet, she shouldn’t expect anything less from Marley’s saving grace.

He urged his horse to move faster. He knew exactly what she was going to do. He couldn’t let her go back in town. Sure it was dangerous everywhere within the walls for her, but it was more dangerous for her to be into any town right now.

Zeke’s horse moved right in front of her. Nathalie pulled the reins to halt her horse suddenly. The horse neighed loudly and lifted up its front legs and tensed up, but Nathalie smoothed it back down with a stroke on the dark brown mane and soothing sounds that she knew the trained horse would recognise.

Nathalie glared at Zeke. “Get out of my way,”

“Listen, Nat, I certainly don’t want you doing to me what you did to them-”

“Get out of my way!” Nathalie growled. Her eyes flashed a bright red again and Zeke recognised it immediately. He urged his horse to take a few steps back away from her.

“It’s happening to you,” Zeke breathed out shakily and he seemed to be referring to something that Nathalie did not understand.

“What does that mean?!” Nathalie demanded. It’s happening to you. What could that possibly mean? Why was he cowering his horse away?

There was nothing happening to her. She had done things she never thought possible today. She could never take down Miche’s squad. Not all of them on her own. But she did today. She couldn’t quite explain that. Miche himself was far stronger and more skilled than her. Yet she had managed to knock him unconscious and all the others.

“It means my work here is done,” Zeke urged his horse to turn and begin riding away. “You don’t need protection. They can’t kill you. No one can,”

That was the only piece of information he left her with before he began riding away. Nathalie stared at him as his form began fading in the distance. They can’t kill you. No one can.

“Ugh,”

Nathalie shook the reins of her horse and she urged it to begin moving again towards Trost. She couldn’t tell what he meant, and it was odd to find out that she didn’t really care. She just had to make it to Trost before they arrested him. She just had to take him out of there. She would knock him unconscious too. She would drag him to safety.

There is no future without Erwin. Not just for her, but for everyone.

But when Nathalie got there, people had gathered at a certain part of the street nearby the Survey Corps HQ. Something about the death of the man owning the Reeves company. Something about Erwin doing it. Erwin had no reason to kill the only man who was still willing to sponsor the broken Survey Corps.

“Murderer!” Some of the people cried out as Erwin showed up with two more Military Police officers who were there to arrest him. They followed him from behind, but he approached the dead body on the ground.

Dimo Reeves. The man that they had killed, and they had used his death to frame Erwin. If that was their reason to lock him then she could only do one thing that could possibly work. Nathalie urged the horse to ride through the street and towards them. She climbed off the horse and Erwin finished talking to the dead man.

“I did it!” Nathalie approached them. “I killed Dimo Reeves,” She lied, but she was quite convincing. The people gasped and everybody turned and looked at her.

Erwin’s eyes widened as he stood up and looked at her.

No. She shouldn’t have been here. She should have left. She should have been far from here. What was she doing here? Why didn’t she listen?!

Erwin clenched his jaw, his fingers into fists. How could she disobey him now? What if they caught her? What if they tortured her? What if they killed her? How did she escape Miche and his squad? He had implicitly told them to use any means necessary to take her far, far away from there, and that included tying her down. How did she run off of them?

He knew she was skilled, but she wasn’t that skilled. Erwin couldn’t explain it. He was too focused on being mad at her – furious, even. How could she? She shouldn't be here.

If he lost her now, he would forever blame himself for it. He should have known how stubborn she was. He should have known that she would go to great lengths to protect him just as he would go to great lengths to protect her.

More Military Police soldiers came and approached her. “Oh really? Our witnesses say otherwise,”

“I hardly think there were any witnesses at all,” Nathalie spoke as she stared at the man cuffing her hands straight to the eye. She could have sworn his strong demeanour wavered for a second. Did she scare him? Oh, she was going to kill every last one of them.

“Nevertheless, Doctor Nathalie Burgess, you are under arrest for leaking classified information of the state to the public,” They cuffed her hands behind her back and dragged her beside Erwin.

Erwin was putting an unfathomable amount of effort into not bursting out right now. He could never believe that Nathalie would frustrate him so much in his life.

“Say the word and I’ll kill each and every last one of them,” Nathalie said and she sounded so sure that she could do it. And maybe she could. And maybe, he was the only one who was keeping her from doing it.

“No. When this is done,” Erwin spoke “you are to be relieved off your duties as a Scout and your rank shall be drawn for directly disobeying orders from your Commander,”

Nathalie laughed. “You are no longer a Commander, Erwin Smith. By the second a charge is thrown against you, your rank is withdrawn, and you hold no authority over me or any other subject of any Military Regiment,”

They both reached the carriage that they were going to walk in, and it was going to take them to the interior. Nathalie turned and looked at him. Bright blue eyes met his own.

“If keeping you from dying costs my rank alone, then you have no idea what I’m willing to sacrifice for you,” Nathalie said, looking up at Erwin, and he down at her while the MPs cuffed her hands. His heart thrummed so hard, so loud in his ears, it was all he could hear.

Why could she not understand that that was exactly why he had sent her away? That was exactly why he had tried to protect her. And here she was, in the arms of their enemies to do to her as they pleased.

He had calculated that he had a fair number of chances to survive this, but for her? He had no idea what they’d do to her. He had no idea whether she’d make it out alive or not.

She was the utmost important person that the military would chase after. It was she their biggest threat. It was she their target, and she had handed herself right in for him. Everything for him. She tossed her life away. She tossed the world away.

For him.

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

 

“You’re willing to die for your Commander, aren’t you?” The MP officer asked. “Then the rumours must be true, then. You really are Commander Erwin Smith's whore,” He hit her with the rod again and now blood was running from the corners of her lips to her chin, dripping down on her chest.

"Let her go!" Erwin screamed, as he was forced to watch as they tortured her.

It was hell.

Chapter 56: Walk Through the Fire

Notes:

this chap is

full of pain MUAHAHAHAHHA

TYSM FOR THOSE AWESOME COMMENTS AND THAT AWESOME SUPPORT

honestly i cried a lil tryna edit this LEMME KNOW IF I MADE YOU CRY, THANK U

OH and

 

TRIGGER WARNING: detailed description of human torture

Walk Through the Fire - Zayde Wolf & Ruelle (Spotify Link)

I'm always wondering
If it's ever gonna end
I can feel it in my bones

Standing in the dust
Of what's left of us
I can see you in my soul

Did we take too many chances?
Did we let too many pass us?
Did we throw it all away

Did we light too many matches?
Turn ourselves into these ashes?
Did we throw it all away?

We walk through the fire
Is there a way out?

I try to understand,
how we're here again.
In the middle the storm.

There's nowhere to go,
but straight through the smoke.
And the fight is all we know.
To fight is all we know.

It did not look good.

The MPs dragged them both in an interrogation room. They tied them in chairs facing each other and they left, but they were going to come back and both Nathalie and Erwin knew that. Nathalie had been avoiding looking at him, but he was looking at her and all he could think about was what was coming. They were going to torture them both. They were either going to have him watch while they tortured her or having her watch while they tortured him.

He didn’t know. All he could think about was how she shouldn’t be here. She should have listened to him. She should have been far from here. The only one to torture would have been him and that was it. She shouldn’t be here. She should have listened. She should have… she should have… Erwin gritted his teeth and he looked down at his hand that was chained to the arm of his chair as was both her own hands tied on her own chair.

What if they did something worse to her? What if he was forced to watch?

He was a selfish man. He didn’t mind being tortured and having her watching it. He didn’t want to watch them hurt her. He didn’t want to know he was so useless and unable to stop it. He didn’t want to be forced into this.

Erwin was so furious with her.

If only she had just listened.

“You shouldn’t be here,” Erwin burst finally, and Nathalie finally looked at him. He couldn’t let any more silence fall between them. He wanted to shout at her. He wanted to scare her enough to never do this again. “You shouldn’t be here! You should have listened to me!” He cried out and she flinched at the sound of his loud voice. But she stood her ground.

“And what?! Let them hang you?! Torture you?! How dare you?!” Nathalie’s voice cracked. “How dare you make me fall for you and expect me to sit back and do nothing but watch you die?!”

How could he?! How could he promise her to live out a life with her and build a home and a family, and then go around and get himself killed? How could he keep her from trying to prevent it? If she had done what he did – turn herself in, risk to get hanged – he wouldn’t let her either. What was he so mad about? He would have done the same. What a fucking hypocrite.

She could take anything. She could handle all the heartache and all the pain that he could inflict on her. She would do anything for him. Anything he ever asked, but this? How could he ask her to just watch? She loved him so much, why couldn’t he understand that? Why push her away over and over? Why pretend like his life didn’t matter? It didn’t matter to him.

He didn’t care about himself dying, she knew that, but he had neglected that he was everything to her. He was her everything and maybe she was his nothing, but that did not change how much she needed him to stay alive. Just stay alive. He could go and lose all his limbs and be nothing but a limbless and tired and scarred old man, but she would still love him.

Why couldn’t he understand that?!

“I would do anything for you, but I can’t watch, I’m sorry,” Nathalie shook her head in denial, and she held back tears that had started to gather in her eyes.

“That’s why you shouldn’t have fallen for me!” He shouted. “You shouldn’t have! Because your love for me is going to kill you!”

She had never seen him so angry. Dark blue eyes wide and dangerous and if he wasn’t tied to a chair, she didn’t know what he would have done to her. He wouldn’t hurt her though. He was just terrified. He was terrified to watch whatever they were about to do to her. He was terrified to know that he was absolutely useless to protect her, to take her out of there.

A tear finally ran down her cheek and her shiny eyes met his own. “So be it,” she didn’t mind dying. She didn’t mind dying with him, for him. She knew one day she was going to die. “You asked me to die when you asked me to join the Scouts. I’m as willing to toss my life away as much as you’re willing to toss your own. The only difference is, I’d do it for you, and you’d only do it for some hopeless dream,”

There it was, the difference between them. Erwin wouldn’t die for her, but she would die for him. She would love him in any way he wanted her to. She would do anything for him, but he would never do the same. It was a one-way relationship. She was giving and he was taking, and he was giving nothing back. He was a terrible man, and he knew it, and deep down, he knew that part of the reasons that he didn’t want her to love him, was because he couldn’t love her back as much as she deserved to be loved.

He couldn’t love anyone.

Or at least, he couldn’t allow himself to love anyone.

Even though, he knew he loved her. He could come up with the most brilliant of speeches, but he could not utter just three simple words. He just had to sit back and ask himself: would he die for her? Would he abandon the world for her? Would he abandon his job, his career that he had spent so long to get there, for her?

Would he give up on his dreams for her?

No. That was exactly why he had made peace with the fact that he was never going to love anyone. He had made a little agreement with himself, to never fall, to never feel. Alas, she just had to be there and be everything he ever needed. She just had to be there and be perfect, and beautiful and lovable, and sickeningly loyal.

She just had to be there to drag him – to force him to feel that treacherous, treacherous feeling he had sworn to cast aside and never indulge in – love. How dare she take this stone of a heart that he owned and actually give it a beat? How dare she do something like that and then follow him to his self-conducted demise and make it her own demise as well?

“You don’t understand…” Erwin had to stop himself from thinking these all. He had to change the subject. He had to focus on what was most important. His feelings for her were not important. “…you’re the only who can save the world,”

“To hell with the world!” Nathalie growled. As big as it was, the world was still small price to pay. The world was greedy and ungrateful, and ignorant. Maybe the world did not deserve saving in the first place.

What was the point of a peaceful world if she would live in it without him?

Erwin didn’t know what to say. He didn’t get to say anything. The door opened and four Military Police officers walked in with their tools, and they headed for her and all that Erwin could think about was to somehow break free off those restraints to protect her. He jerked his hand to free himself from the chains to no avail whatsoever.

“Dr Nathalie Burgess,” one of them said. “We’ve had our eyes on you for a while now, Dr,”

“Leave her alone! It’s me you want,” Erwin growled, glaring up at the men who chuckled amusement.

“Your turn will come, Commander Smith,”

The other man turned and looked at Nathalie. He picked up a lancet from the tools that they had spread out on a nearby table, and he approached her.

“We indeed have had our eyes on you, since your university years actually,”

He pointed the lancet to her eye and Nathalie’s eyes widened. She jerked her hands, a hopeless attempt to free herself from her restraints, even though she knew there was no way out of there. There was no escape, but her instincts were still screaming at her to get out of there.

“All those colleagues of yours trying everything to discourage you, to beat you up in the back alleys, do you know who was paying them?”

And that’s when Nathalie stopped thinking about escaping and all she thought about was back then, when she was bullied and tossed around and beaten up just because she was the only woman in her class. Just because she was refusing to get married and settle down to be an obedient housewife. Just because she was chasing after knowledge and sweet science. She was refusing to go down easy, but they were just making it so hard for her. The thought of showing up for lectures and lab sessions alone were enough to make her sick to her stomach.

They would terrorise her anyway, but those damn MPs were also paying them to put more effort into it. They were giving them more reasons to do it. They were the reason she had hated herself, and her own nature, and the unjust society she was living in.

Nathalie glared up at the man. “I’m going to kill you and all your MP buddies-”

One of the men hit her with a metallic rod that he was holding in his hands. Her head fell to the side, and she winced loudly. Pain spread all over her left cheek and she could have sworn she felt her jaw breaking. Her cheek began to swell, and she licked the blood off her teeth.

“What do you know, Burgess?! What have you told them so far?!” The man demanded, the other grabbed the pincers and caught one of her hands. He was going to peel her nails off.

Nathalie looked at Erwin who was sitting just in front of her, watching all of this. She couldn’t make out what he wanted her to do. Her vision was blurry and the pain on her face was all she could think about.

“I don’t know… what you’re… talking about,” Nathalie said and then she felt the excruciating pain of one of her nails being torn from the root. She screamed. It burned. It burned and stung and hurt, and she whimpered, but she was stronger than that. She knew she was.

The man hit her other cheek with the same rod and she cried out again. It was harder than the last time. All she could hear was her ears ringing from the blow and Erwin’s voice screaming in the background, unable to hear what he was saying. The man caught her shirt and ripped it open, revealing her chest, stabbing the lancet into her shoulder. Blood came gushing out and she screamed again.

“Tell us what you know! Have you figured it out?! Make this easy for us. The pain will stop. Just tell us, where do you hold your research?!”

Nathalie panted. “You’ll get… nothing… from me- AH!” The man pulled the lancet from her shoulder with a jerk, allowing the blood to flow out. He set off to pick a dagger. He wasn’t planning to let her bleed out. There were torches on the walls. He used one of them to heat the blade.

“You’re willing to die for your Commander, aren’t you?” The other man asked. “Then the rumours must be true, then. You really are Commander Erwin’s whore,” He hit her with the rod again and now blood was running from the corners of her lips to her chin, dripping down on her chest.

Erwin was going insane. It was hell. Watching them hit her and hurt her over and over. Listening to her screaming, whimpering, wincing, but still refusing to speak. It was all his fault. It was his fault that she was there, going through this. He should have tried harder. He should have been able to protect her. Why was he so damn useless?!

You useless piece of shit! He wanted to scream that to himself. Instead, he was there, screaming for them to stop, screaming for her to just tell them everything and be done with it. Screaming for it to stop. He was so fucking useless. If he could not protect the woman that he loved, then what kind of man was he? He had allowed this war to tire him and wear him down and scar him and lose a limb over it. He had allowed himself to become so weak because he never considered her to be there. He had never considered that she would disobey him.

“We ought to carve your name to her chest, don’t we?”

“What do you think, Commander?” One of them turned at Erwin with a sick little smile on his face. It was no longer an interrogation. It was clear she wasn’t going to speak when they peeled off more than a few of her nails. It wasn’t an interrogation. They were just enjoying themselves now. “I bet you’d love to watch as we carve your name to her chest. I bet you’d want to do it yourself if you could,”

“Let her go!” Erwin cried out. He tried to shake off his restraints once more till the chains were digging in the skin of his arm so much that it was bleeding. “She doesn’t know anything! It’s all me! It’s all my plan!”

“Really? Does that mean you’ll talk?” The man pressed the heated blade of his dagger to the wound that he had opened on her shoulder, cauterising the flesh, pulling another hoarse scream from her throat and her whole body flinched and shook and for Erwin, it almost felt like he was the one going through the excruciating pain. With every shout and every heart-wrenching scream that erupted from her hoarse throat, it was like slicing his heart to pieces over and over. A relentless pain. An unending need to hate himself and everything he was forcing her go through. He shouldn’t have asked her to join the Scouts in the first place.

You asked me to die when you asked me to join the Scouts. And he knew that it was true. He knew she would give everything for him. Everything he ever asked, she would do it without question. And now here she was taking all that pain and keeping their plans secret, but all because of him. Maybe if he had detached himself from her, she would have been living a better life than this hell. She would have never been hurt and prosecuted and tortured. She would have never had to deal with everything that he was now putting her through.

She would have probably had a life now. A simple life – just like she had always wanted. She would have even married someone better. Someone who could love her. Someone who would never force anything like that on her. Someone who could make her happy.

And he would have been just a miserable man and he would have lost her – the only woman he ever loved. He would have lost her to someone else, but she would have at least be happy.

He was blaming her for falling deeply for him even though he should have been blaming himself for falling for her just as deep. It should have been him the one to get tortured right now. She should have been safe. She shouldn’t be here.

He could almost feel the pain she was going through. No. It felt worse because he wanted to save her. He wanted to take her out of there and pull her to safety and tell her he loved her. But he could do none of it. All he could do was watch. All he could do was be absolutely useless to protect her and just watch.

“You’ll talk if you don’t want us to hurt her, won’t you?”

Nathalie’s swollen eyes, full of tears that were streaming down her cheeks, finally looked at his own and she shook her head frantically. “No! Don’t give in… it’s fine… I can handle it-” She grunted in pain as the man carved a straight line on her chest with the sharp blade of his dagger. Blood came running down her skin like a waterfall. She breathed hard, trying to put up with the pain on so many places on her body right now.

Erwin looked at her face distorting in pain and discomfort and desperation as the man continued carving an ‘E’ on her chest. “I’ll take you out of here, Nathalie, I promise, we’ll make it out, but please forgive me,” He wasn’t going to talk. He was going to watch them torture and hurt the woman that he loved and for what? For a hopeless dream of saving humanity? This was what humanity was doing to her right now.

“Tsk, looks like your man doesn’t care much about you after all,”

True to his word, he carved Erwin’s full name on her chest. Ugly and bleeding torn flesh. Swollen face and cheeks and eyes. Blood seeping from the corners of her mouth, from the tips of her nostrils. Torn nails and pain everywhere. Beaten and broken. A Broken Body and Severed Feelings. He wasn’t going to speak. She was getting tortured for him, but he wasn’t going to speak. Her life didn’t matter to him. Or maybe she was exaggerating. Maybe it was desperation taking over her. Maybe it was the need to pass out.

Her skin felt raw beneath their blows, their blades. Her ears rang from all the screaming and shouting, and her throat felt hoarse. Her eyes, blurry from the stinging pain and the tears that constantly poured down her face.

It felt like forever until they untied her hands from the chair, and they pulled her up on her wobbly legs that gave in right away. They dragged her out of the room and that’s when the realisation hit her, and her eyes widened. Where were they taking her? Why couldn’t they just let her in the same room with Erwin? They were going to hang him, and she wasn’t going to be there, was she? This was probably the last time she was seeing him.

Nathalie used the last specs of strength she had to resist them from dragging her away. “ERWIN!” She screamed out and he did the same. He screamed out her name.

“Where are you taking her?! NATHALIE! Where are you taking her?!! Bring her back to me! NATHALIE! I’ll find you! I’ll find-!”

The door was shut closed at the glance of them beating him up the same way they had done to her. Nathalie screamed and thrashed against the two men dragging her away from him. Away from Erwin. Her Erwin. Her sweet man. Her sweet, sweet man that she loved so much. Where were they taking her? What were they planning to do to her? What were they going to do to Erwin?

She couldn’t keep resisting. Exhaustion washed over her, and she fell limp in the hands of her captors. She accepted it. This was the last time she was seeing him. She had lost him forever. Or maybe he would somehow make it out of there, but she wouldn’t. She was a Burgess. They were going to kill her. They were going to do something else to her. Something horrible. Something worse.

But she didn’t care. All she thought about was losing him and not being able to say goodbye. They were going to kill him, and all their hopes and dreams would be snuffed out in mere seconds.

“Nathalie… if we survive this… if we achieve all we’ve talked about, you’re going to be my wife, and you’re going to give me a son, and a daughter… and a home,”

Beautiful. Beautiful dreams that were always hanging from a big if. There was never any certainty when it came to loving this man. There was never any solid reliability. He couldn’t provide her with reassurance. One day he could promise her a perfect future, and then next he could die. And she knew that, and she had accepted it, but she hated herself for doing so.

She had always known the cost of loving him, but she still chose to stick by him fooling herself that they had enough time when they didn’t. There was just never enough time. She loved him so much, she would let it sabotage her, her health, her future, her life.

Nathalie gave in. She let them carry her wherever they wanted to. She had lost him. She didn’t care. She would let them do to her whatever they wanted. She knew the moment would come when she’d have to say goodbye to him, to their dreams, to his promise to her to grow old together.

But she just wasn’t ready.

So, she wept. She wasn’t ready to say goodbye to him. She could never be ready to let him go.

She wept.

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap

“Here to save her? Don’t you think you’re a little late?” Zeke said sarcastically. Nathalie lied limply in his arms. “Seems I’m doing a much better job at protecting her than you do. You should consider letting me take her back to Marley. We can treat her wounds there sufficiently,”

Chapter 57: Rescue Myself

Notes:

TYSM FOR READING AND COMMENTING

imma be posting chapters a lot more frequently since i got summer break and lotsa time, but y'all just take your time reading it, this fic is gonna turn big

i mean it's already big djnkfhiuejow BUT I PROMISE AN AWESOME PLOT

Her cheek throbbed in pain as it pressed against the cold, dark grey stone beneath her. Her whole body ached, as if the first session of torture wasn’t enough, they gave her another. Now she didn’t have the strength to move. Nathalie just stared blankly at some random spot of the locked metallic door of her cell. She could tell she was bleeding in multiple places. Not deep enough to kill her, but enough to hurt and weaken her, and make her suffer. She just lied there on the cold, hard stone floor, just putting up with it silently.

She closed her eyes. It was getting too hard to keep them open. Too tiring. She was exhausted, but if she slipped away, with all that blood loss, then maybe she would never wake up again. But maybe it was better that way. Maybe he was gone too. Maybe they had already hanged him. Maybe it was better that she slipped away.

“Giving up already?”

No. Not now. Of all times and places… not now. She couldn’t have a mental war now with her other personality. How much more could she handle?

“You… you do not scare me,” Nathalie spoke.

“Oh, I know. You took that well, Nathalie. But you’re a stubborn host. Don’t tell me you’ve given in,”

“I have,”

“Oh boy, aren’t you boring. I’ll save both our asses… again,”

Nathalie pushed her hands on the floor, pulling herself up on her feet. Despite the pain, despite it all – she had to get out of here and the only way to find the courage to do that, was let it take over. Whatever was in command of her mind, it was powerful. Her other self was strong and unyielding. Nathalie let it. She allowed it to snuff the control from her hands. It was the only reason she was capable of pulling herself on her feet right now.

Nathalie ignored the bleeding wounds, her aching limbs, the new scars that she was going to be carrying for the rest of her life, and she walked to her metallic door. It was locked. It was made of hard, fat metal. Her fingers clenched into a fist, and she looked down at the chains that were keeping her hands tied together. The chains were long and connected to the wall, but she could reach the door.

“Alright then,” Nathalie let out a grunt as she pulled on the chains with an attempt to break them off the wall but failing the first time. She tried again with a little more strength and the brick on the wall seemed to tremble. “Take over,” She talked to herself. To whatever the fuck she was having inside her mind.

It was obviously stronger than her.

Probably stronger than everyone.

In one final jerk, the chains snapped from the wall, along with the bricks falling down into a crushed pile. Bright red eyes distinguished in the darkness of her cell, and she made her way to the door. She punched it. She punched it over and over till her knuckles were bleeding and the fat metal had begun to bulge, and the MP soldiers behind were shouting at her to keep quiet, but she didn’t care. One final punch had the door flying to the opposite wall and rifles were immediately pointed at her.

Alas, they didn’t yet have the orders to kill her. The King had other plans for her. She breathed hard and her bleeding fists radiated with pain, but her eyes shined in the dark. Her bright red eyes. The sound of her breathing and her heavy footsteps as she made her way out of the shadows of her cell, had the MPs cowering a few steps back.

They weren’t dealing with a beaten, defenceless little woman anymore. They were dealing with a monster.

The block of bricks that were still attached to one end of her chains came flying to one’s head. It broke his skull and knocked him unconscious, and they immediately started firing with rifles at her. She was fast. Most bullets didn’t penetrate her skin and the ones who did, they didn’t make too much damage even though they were supposed to.

She caught the tube of a rifle that was pointed at her, and she knocked the back of it on the man’s head. A bullet came from behind her, but she moved out of the way. She side-kicked the man behind her to the head, knocking him on the floor and she swiped a foot beneath the other man’s legs, making him lose his balance and crash on the floor as well. She caught his rifle and shot him to the head.

She shot a few more until the rifle was out of bullets and multiple bullets had already made holes on her skin, all over her body. Her back, her shoulders, her stomach, her waist, her legs. She was probably bleeding everywhere but it was strange because it didn’t hurt as much as it was supposed to. She didn’t feel as weak as she should have.

Nathalie dropped the rifle, rendered useless now empty of bullets and a lot more MPs surrounded her. Her hands were still chained. She could use those chains somehow. She just had to improvise.

She whipped the lengthy chains towards a man’s hold on his own rifle, knocking his weapon on the floor and she kicked another man that was shooting from behind. One caught her, wrapping an arm around her neck from behind, trying to immobilise her. Nathalie jumped up, using her legs to kick another man off and using the impact to knock her captor against the wall behind her. He grunted but he did not loosen his grip. She elbowed him hard on the stomach and she stole his rifle, using it to shoot a few more to the head.

“Why isn’t she dying, dammit?!”

One man was consistently shooting at her. They were panicking. She could tell when they stopped attacking and just pointed their rifles at her and took a few steps back. Good. Fear is a human emotion.

And the most tasteful one at that.

There were five of them left when she emptied another rifle. Still surrounding her, but terrified. She punched a man in the stomach before he had the chance to shoot at her. She kicked the rifle off another man’s hand and she grabbed a man’s hand, twisting him to face the wall, knocking him against it and twisting his arm, breaking it to the elbow, making him cry out in pain.

Another bullet found the flesh of her back and she shrieked in pain but she was still quick to react, side-kicking the man in the face, grabbing his rifle, shooting at him, and then to another. Two were left. She dropped another empty rifle to the floor and she charged towards one, kicking him to the chest. The other man turned to shoot at her but she fell behind the man causing the soldier to shoot at his comrade instead of her. She dropped the dead man on the floor, revealing her overly bloody body.

Full of bullet-wounds and the scars and the wounds that they had given her in the torturing and the interrogation. He tried to shoot at her, but he was out of bullets. He cowered a few steps back till his back met the wall. He looked around him at all the dead bodies of his colleagues that she had just slaughtered single-handedly with bound and chained wrists and no weapons whatsoever.

He knew the Survey Corps had skilled soldiers. He knew one Survey Corps soldier amounted for five of MPs. He knew she was a veteran which gave her more reasons to be skilled. He knew that.

But that was simply unnatural.

She was bleeding everywhere. Her white ruined shirt was covered in utter blood red and her skin was scarred and torn, and her face deformed from the beating that they had given her. And her dark blue skirt – once ankle-length – now torn in bits and pieces all over and darkened from her blood and the blood of his comrades. But she was bleeding everywhere. They had shot her so many times.

How was she still standing?

Why were her eyes red? A bright, glimmering red?

This was unnatural.

“Last but not least,” She smiled at him an evil smile. One of sick satisfaction. “It’s only fair that I let you choose how you want to die,” Nathalie approached him close enough, trapping him between her bloody body and the brick wall. She punched a bloody hand on the wall beside him, breaking the bricks slightly and she leaned close enough to feel her breath on his chin. “So, what will it be, officer?”

He tried to make a run for it. He escaped her physical cage and he started to run. Nathalie laughed and she chased after him. Chasing them was fun. She should try that next time. He really thought he could run away. He really thought he could escape her.

She whipped the chains to his one leg, pulling it, forcing him to drop on the floor and climbed on top of him, pressing her knee to his back. She wrapped the chains around his neck, and she began to pull. She pulled, and pulled, and pulled, and she watched him squirm and shake and trying to escape the way she suffocated him with the chains.

Nathalie pulled until he was no longer moving.

Once he was completely gone, she stood up and looked at the chains on her hands. She caught the metallic cuff of one hand and she pulled and pulled, and pulled till the metal was starting to come apart, freeing her bruised wrist. She did the same with the other, tossing the metal on the floor, freeing herself.

She heard footsteps and she turned to kill whoever that was, but she recognised the man. Blonde, and bearded and blue eyes, and those ridiculous circular glasses.

“Holy fuck,” Zeke walked over the bodies. He knew he had no reason being there, but he needed to know that she was okay. “What am I doing here… I knew you don’t need my help,” He groaned. Idiot.

Nathalie grinned an unfamiliar grin. “Look at you. Aren’t you a meal,” She approached him with a toothy grin and his eyes widened and he took a few steps back away from her.

“W- Whoah, wait!” Zeke brought his hands up and cowered a few steps back. “I am a meal, but in the sexy way, not in the eating-humans way,”

She frowned. “I should’ve taken my time with the last two,” but then she looked at him. “But uh well, there’s one alive-” and it was only now that the body was starting to get weak. She cut herself and threw an arm against the wall beside her, keeping her standing on her feet with a grunt. “Shit,”

“Are you okay?” Zeke approached her again cautiously.

“Look at that… weak body,” She wiped that drop of blood that seeped from her lips while pressing almost her entire weight on the wall beside her. “She’d be fucking dead without me,”

“I know, I know,” Zeke passed an arm around her shoulders and hooked his other arm beneath her. He picked her up swiftly bridal style and began carrying her down the hall hastily. Her head rolled back on his arm tiredly and her body went limp. “Let’s get those wounds treated,”

She closed her eyes. “Good… good boy…” She pointed at him. “…I’ll kill you later,” She said before she drifted to unconsciousness.

He gulped. “Uh… thanks?”

She had passed out by the time he made it outside the Military Police Headquarters and by the looks of it, the coup was a success. There were soldiers all around, arresting the MP officers. Zeke hid a few alleys away. He would either get her to a hospital of the capital, or carry her far enough for a blimp to make its way down and get in it.

But he wasn’t given any of those chances when two Survey Corps squads surrounded him. Zeke frowned. Fucking great.

“Is she alive?! Give her back to us!” A brown-haired woman spoke, with glasses and a rifle pointed at him. There was another man beside her and another, with beard and pale brown hair. He recognised them. They were the Section Commanders and squad leaders of the third and fourth squad, but he didn’t really know their names.

“Here to save her? Don’t you think you’re a little late?” Zeke said sarcastically. “Seems I’m doing a much better job at protecting her than you do. You should consider letting me take her back to Marley,”

“Not a chance,” Miche growled, pointing his own rifle at him. “Hand her over and get your ass off our island,”

Zeke shrugged. “If you insist,” They were going to take her one day anyway. He knew he had no orders for today to be that day.

Miche put the rifle down and approached the man, pulling Nathalie’s limp body in his arms and Hange immediately abandoned her rifle and checked for her pulse. Hange’s eyes widened. Just from a look to her wounds was enough to say that her pulse should’ve been so weak, and she should have been so close to death and bleeding out, but it was fine. Her pulse was strong and steady.

“She’s alive…” Hange said, relieved, but surprised all the same. “…how can that be?!”

“We’ll figure this out later. We need to take her to a hospital,” Miche said.

“Right… I guess I’ll be on my way then,” Zeke shrugged and turned around to leave.

“Wait!” Hange cried out. “If you know something! For Wall’s sake! Why is she not dying?!”

“You’d prefer that she did?!” Moblit cried out.

“Of course, not! But it just isn’t scientifically possible. She’s been shot on multiple spots. She’s been tortured and scarred and made to bleed. All that damage leads to one path and that isn’t it!”

“She’ll be fine,” Zeke spoke, stopping from walking any further away and he sighed heavily turning over his shoulder slightly to look at them. “Just take those bullets out and stop the bleeding. She’ll wake up before you know it,” He simply said before resuming walking away.

“THAT DOESN’T ANSWER MY QUESTION-!”

Moblit wrapped an arm around Hange, dragging her away. “C’mon, we don’t have time for this. We’ll figure it out later,”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap

 

“Watching you in pain and… screaming…” Erwin spoke looking away from her in shame. “…it was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, Nathalie,” He admitted shamefully. So weak and vulnerable at that moment.

Chapter 58: I'm Back

Notes:

late update, but I haven't been able to write shit in days dnjfjgiowjnjgh

quality angst coming your way

i managed to make a single scene last 4,4k words LMAO SORRY ABOUT THAT

“Sir! You need to stand still, please!” The poor nurse cried out, but Erwin ignored her entirely.

Everything had gone according to plan. His coup was a success. Premier Zackly was taking over, and the Scout Regiment was given freedom once again no longer regarded as criminals. But Erwin didn’t care about standing still and giving the nurse time to treat his wounds. The open cuts on his arm, his cheeks, his swollen eye, the torn flesh of his lower lip, his bruised wrist from the chains. His messy hair, the torn shirt, stained dirty and droplets of his blood.

He really didn’t care. Hange’s squad had found him, and they had taken him to the hospital of the capital to get his wounds treated and go back to base to think of their next moves. Hange and Moblit set out to find Levi and his squad to look for Eren and Historia.

Erwin had to find her. He had to know she was okay. He had to find her. He was told that Hange and Moblit would go out to find Nathalie and they would bring her here and then set off to help Levi. She must have been there.

Erwin wrapped the nurse’s elbow and caught her attention. “Section Commander Nathalie Burgess. Is she here? Of the Scout Regiment?!” He asked urgently.

“Uh…” The nurse pulled the cloth of alcohol away from his face for a moment and she thought for a second. “…yeah, Professor Burgess is here. Room fifty-five. She’s resting. You need to let me treat those wounds before you get an infection, Commander Smith, and then you can visit her, okay?”

She was making a pretty good point. Erwin sighed and nodded at her. “So be it then,”

She led him to a separate room with many beds and many other patients. He sat by the edge of a bed, and she began tending to his wounds with careful, gentle moves. His wounds stung upon coming in contact with alcohol, but it was nothing he couldn’t deal with. He had just gone through intensive torturing, that sting felt like just a mere irritation.

“She was my professor, you know,” The nurse said after a while. Her eyes met his own briefly before turning to grab a roll of white, sterilised bandage. “She inspired us women to study science,”

Of course, she did. She was the first and only woman to dare to enrol to a university and get a degree and be a woman amongst hundreds of men. Sure, there were nurses before, but now they had the chance to be real doctors one day. Nathalie had started that. Erwin could hardly understand how much that meant to the woman in front of him, and many other women. Everything was just reminding him how precious she was. And even though he had managed to lead an absolutely bloodless coup, all he could think about was putting her through this pain.

All he had done was stand there and watch. All he could do was scream and plead and curse himself and the world that he had involuntarily placed on his shoulders. Whatever weight he put on his shoulders; he was putting on her shoulders as well. He had tried so much to avoid that. Every effort, every little plan he put to motion to hurt her, to push her away from him, it all aimed to keep that from happening.

He didn’t want her to help him carry the world. He didn’t want her to be in possession of his heart, yet she was. He didn’t want her to suffer. He didn’t want her to have nightmares in the nights and guilts on her shoulders, yet he had still dragged her into this.

Maybe if he had never asked her to join the Scout Regiment, none of this would have happened. Maybe if he wasn’t such a terrible, selfish bastard, he would have never let her go through this. He knew she was stubborn. He knew having Miche abduct her – in the entire meaning of this absolutely insane word – it wasn’t going to work. Nathalie would find her way back. She loved him. She went through this pain because she loved him.

Your love for me is going to kill you, he told her before any of this. And he was right. He had chosen those words well. It didn’t kill her today, but it made her suffer, and he was made to watch. And her screams were so loud in his mind. How her blood flowed out of her torn skin as they carved his name on her chest. How she wept and cried for him to make it stop. How she begged him with those teary eyes to protect her.

How incapable he was of protecting her. He had never felt more useless in his life. He had never loathed himself so much. He had watched so many comrades die over and over under his very own command, and it hadn’t scarred him as much as watching her scream and writhe in pain.

She had suffered through it for him. Anything for him. Always there to give him everything he wanted. Always there for him, willing to die.

You asked me to die when you asked me to join the Scouts, she said, and she was right. He had really asked it and she said yes. She said yes in the hopes for one day to earn his affection, his love, his approval. She joined the Scouts because she loved him. She loved him more than he could ever admit he loved her.

He could never admit it. Not even now. But he loved her. He loved her more than anything. All he could do was show her. So, when his wounds were patched up and bandaged, he didn’t waste a second. He rushed out to the hall and searched for room fifty-five. He was so tired, he could pass out on the spot. But she was all he could think about. He had to find her. He had to see if she was okay. She’s okay. She’s resting, the nurse said. No, he had to see for himself.

He found room fifty-five. He rushed in, and she was right there. His sweet girl was right there, lying on the white sheets of her bed, beneath a white warm blanket. Her hair was messy on her pillow and her eyes, closed. Soft breaths escaped her nose, and he could hear the sound of her breathing, but he just had to make sure.

He reached close and took her hand in his own, pressing his large, rough thumb on her pulse at the base of her wrist. She had a steady beat. He let out a sigh of relief and gently laid her hand back atop the soft white blanket. She had a deep cut on her cheek. She had a swollen eye, a torn lip. A large cut running down her neck. She had a bandage laid all over her chest, on the spot where they had carved her so ruthlessly.

And even in the mess of all those injuries, she was beautiful. Even with beaten, swollen cheeks, and chapped lips, and scars, and cuts all over her arms that were mildly hidden behind her torn, ruined, bloody shirt, she was so very beautiful. All those wounds and all those scars and all that pain. It was all his fault. How could he even face her after this? How could he even keep telling himself that he loved her even though he clearly didn’t act like it?

He had failed to protect the most precious person in his life. His woman.

Erwin knew he had things to do, but he didn’t care. He had a regiment to put back together, but he didn’t care. He was so tired. So very tired. Erwin didn’t want to go anywhere. He wanted to stay.

And stay he did.

Erwin lied beside her, kicking off his shoes and slipping beneath the white blanket. He settled at the edge of the bed, sneaking his arm beneath the pillow – the one pillow that they were going to share. He was never going to let her out of his sight ever again. He was going to keep her safe and he was going to use any means necessary.

Erwin slept beside her, thinking of all the things to do and say once she’d wake up. And until then, the world could be burning, but he would not leave her side. Never again would he allow himself to leave her out of his sight.

They slept that night right there, together.

༻◊۞◊༺

The next morning dawned fast. Erwin was the first to open his eyes and begin to stir. He hadn’t shifted at all in his sleep, and it was not surprising considering he was exhausted after everything that they had been through. His muscles felt crumped from staying in the same position the entire night, but the bed was for one and it was her bed. He was just there because… well, he didn’t really know why he had wanted to lie and sleep beside her. He wanted to know she was alive and safe, even though he knew he was incapable of protecting her. What had happened the past couple of days was enough proof of that.

He was incapable of keeping her safe. How could he be her man if he could not protect his woman? How could he be enough when he was missing an arm? How could he be enough if he was crippled and scarred and tired? He could never be enough for her. He always told himself he was more than enough for anyone else, but right now he lacked more than confidence, more than dignity, more than self-esteem.

He was no longer the young cadet who chased after his dreams, who was at the peak of his training and could protect her from everything and anything that would come for her. He would have been able to snap those chains and he would have been able to take her out of there before they hurt her so much. Before he had to watch as they did so.

But he couldn’t do any of that.

If only she had listened. If only she wasn’t so damn stubborn. If only she wasn’t willing to toss her life away for him so damn easily. He did not deserve that kind of loyalty because he could offer her nothing in return whilst it should have been him to be giving her everything. It should have been him the strongest half of the relationship, not her.

She snapped him out of his thoughts when she let out a wince. Her whole body ached. The excess number of wounds on her body were closing faster than they were supposed to, but she still needed time. Nathalie blinked a couple of times allowing the morning light in. She scanned the room with a look, it seemed like she was in the hospital of the capital. She had done her practice in that hospital during her university years. She knew every room like the back of her hand.

Nathalie looked beside her to see Erwin. Her eyes widened. He was there. He was alive. He was actually there. She gasped and her hand found his face right away.

“E- Erwin, you’re… you’re here,”

He was alive. They hadn’t killed him. She touched his cheek with her tender fingers and he closed his eyes upon contact. He was there. The feeling of that cut on his cheek was rough, his one eye was still swollen. Beaten and bruised, the both of them in this pathetic state, but still, they had gone through it together. They had endured this together. She vouched to never leave his side, and she had kept her promise. She would forever stay by his side even if it meant pain and torture and death.

It wasn’t even loyalty anymore, was it?

No, loyalty couldn’t go that far. It was just pure emotion, affection, love – as ridiculous as it sounds. Or maybe it was even more than that. It was obsession. Nathalie had literally beaten up Miche and his squad – or that’s what Nanaba said with her bruised eye – just so that she could run back to him, to make sure she was there.

Nathalie knew that when it’d come to it, she wouldn’t be able to stop him from killing himself, but that one, small thing that she could do was be there when it happened and let it happen to her as well.

Fuck this.

He knew he shouldn’t move her too much because wherever he’d touch her, she’d wince, but he could no longer pretend like he did not want to hold her.

Erwin’s arm slipped away from the pillow beneath his cheek and snuck between her waist and the mattress. He wrapped his arm around her tightly and he dragged her body to face his own, pressing close to him. Nathalie let out a loud wince and the wounds on her waist radiated in pain from his tight hold. She let out a whimper, but his hand left waist and cupped the back of her head, guiding her to bury her face in his neck.

“Sshh,” He petted her hair, burying his fingers in the messy brown locks and he buried his nose in her hair, listening to her breathing carefully as it quieted back down after this careless manhandling. Maybe he had to stand up. He was in a better condition than she was. “I’ll get one of the nurses to get you some morphine-” Erwin tried to move, but she grasped his ruined shirt and held him in place.

“No!” Nathalie snapped. She was in pain. She needed that morphine, but she needed him more.

Putting up with excruciating pain was so much easier than putting up with not knowing where he was. Not knowing whether he was alive or in pain or suffering. But now he was there. He was alive. He was breathing. She could feel his heart beating beneath her palm pressing to his chest.

She buried her face in his neck and drew in his familiar scent and shut her eyes tight. She really thought she was never going to see him again. She really thought she had lost him. A sob erupted from her throat and tears ran down her cheeks.

“You’re alive… you’re alive, you’re right here,” Nathalie wrapped her arms around his shoulders tightly, pulling him tightly against her and he buried his face in her hair closing his eyes and sighing in relief. “You’re alive…”

She kept repeating it as if she was trying to convince herself. Maybe if she held him too tight, he wouldn’t disappear, right? She wouldn’t have some cadet coming to her announcing that the Commander of the Survey Corps had just been publicly hanged.

No, this hadn’t happened. He was alright. He was alive. She was holding him. Nathalie pulled back to look at him. She cupped his face and brushed gently the cut on his cheek, on his lower lip, his swollen eye, his bruised cheek.

“My sweet man… they tortured you too, didn’t they…?” More tears slipped down her cheeks and she tried to contain her sobs.

Oh, the things he had put her through. All that pain and suffering and all that worry. The fear of losing him over and over.

“I’m alright,” Erwin reassured her, running his fingers through her short brown hair. He was in a far better state than she was. He could tell. “What did they do to you, Nat? Tell me,” He caught her hair, making sure he had her attention as her eyes finally met his own. “Tell me who took you? Who were those men? Tell me what did they do to you? Did they touch you?!”

He had no idea where this was coming from. He had no idea why he was going insane over this. Just the thought of another man touching her the same way only he was allowed to do – it was driving him insane. They had hurt her and tortured her and made her scream in pain, but the next level was this and he had to know if it had gotten to this. He needed to know.

“No…” Nathalie shook her head frantically. “…no, no, no, not in the way you’re implying, no, I wouldn’t let them… I wouldn’t let anyone,”

He let out a sigh of relief and silence fell between them as he debated on whether he should speak his mind or not. He was almost ashamed to look her in the eye. He had put her through this. He had made her suffer. He was so useless, he couldn’t protect her from anything. All he could do was stand there and watch as they did what they did to her.

“I can’t protect you, Nat,” Erwin couldn’t keep it in anymore. He cupped her face. “I can’t protect you. All I could do was watch-”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Nathalie cut him. She knew exactly what he was thinking. “You warned me. You tried to send me away to safety. You protected me. I’m the one who didn’t listen-”

“You didn’t listen!” He burst out. For once, the cold Commander with nerves of steel, finally breaking. His fingers clenched in her hair, pulling on the roots punishingly. She gasped. “You didn’t listen! You should have listened! You shouldn’t have come back for me! You should have never fallen for me!” He cried out, furious, with his loud, strong voice and she flinched and almost got scared, but she wasn’t going to back down. Having Erwin mad at her was a rare occurrence, and she wasn’t as familiar with it as much as she was with everything else about him.

But she wasn’t going to cower away from the conversation and turn her face down and listen to her strong man that she had so recklessly disobeyed. If anything, Nathalie had been disobeying this man-mediated world from the very start. She knew he was right to be worried. But how could he neglect her being just as worried for him?

Nathalie kept her calm, and she merely cupped his cheek, with shiny blue eyes. “I know you regret me falling for you-”

He gritted his teeth. “It’s not that-”

“It is, and it’s alright-”

“No, it’s not! You’re not safe with me, Nathalie! I’ve hurt you. I asked you to join the Scout Regiment. I asked you to die. I dragged you into a life you didn’t ask for-”

“I asked for a life by your side!”

“You’re not safe by my side!” He growled. “I’m supposed to keep you safe, I’m supposed to be in charge, I’m supposed to be the strongest half of the relationship. I’m the one who’s supposed to be protecting you, not the other way around. This is the man’s role in a relationship!”

Oh, so that’s what this was all about. Some good old-fashioned ruined, manly ego. What a hypocrite. Blaming her for being in love with him. “You talk about the man’s role in a relationship when we’re not even in a relationship. You haven’t told me what this is… what we have. Amongst reliability you also lack clarity,”

Those words slipped down her lips like poison. You’re not reliable. You cannot reassure me of anything. You cannot clarify what you feel. You cannot clarify what you want with me. Yet she was still there, beaten and bruised and bleeding, for him.

She ran her thumb across his cheek. A stray tear ran down her cheek. “Oh, the things you’ve put me through. The things I’ve suffered for you. Yet I’m still the one you blame,”

“I’m not blaming you, you just didn’t listen to me!”

“You would’ve done the same!”

He remained silent on this one. He would do the same, wouldn’t he? Wouldn’t he?! His silence was killing her.

“Of course, I would,” He finally said, and she let out a sigh of relief.

He loved her. He loved her, didn’t he? No, he loved her. She kept telling herself that he did. She kept telling herself that all this pain wasn’t for nothing. He kissed away that tear that lingered on her cheek.

“My Nathalie, my baby…” He pressed more kisses all over her eyelids and she closed her eyes revelling in it. “My sweet baby, it is a relationship, because you’re mine, Nathalie,” Erwin caught her waist and dragged her closer, neglecting that wince that she let out from the movement. But she couldn’t care the least about the pain. All she could focus on was the hungry look in his eyes, the suffocating way he was holding her – she could have sworn if he had both arms, she wouldn’t have been able to breathe. “You’re all mine. Mine,”

“Then play your role in this relationship by doing what I ask of you,” She caught his shirt. “I do not ask you to protect me. I don’t need your protection. I don’t need to be babysit, nor treated like some fragile little woman, because I can fight, and I can take a beating or two, or ten. I’m not asking you to be my knight in shining armour, I assure you I have no such fantasies…” her eyes softened “…I’m just asking for you to love me…” tears formed in her eyes again and she cursed herself for it, “…but you’re not doing that either.”

No, she was wrong. He did love her. He loved her more than anything. But he wasn’t saying it. He wasn’t saying it and he was beating himself up when he showed it. But he did show it. He kept showing it. Right? Surely, she could understand that, right? Surely, she could see it in that look in his eyes, in the tight way he was holding her. Had she not heard it in his shouting whilst they tortured her before him? He had never pleaded anyone else so much as he did that very moment.

“I am,” Erwin almost whispered it and her eyes widened. “I do,” He couldn’t believe he was saying it. No, he wasn’t saying it. He wasn’t making it clear. No. But close. So very close.

Nathalie parted her lips to speak, to ask him to say it, clearly. I love you. Say it. “Erwin-” but he didn’t let her speak. He kissed her. He guided her face close, and his lips met her own. He nibbled on the bloody cut on her lip, and she gasped at the slight pain that subsided fast enough. His tongue plunged in the sweet warmth of her mouth. He kissed her sweet and she sighed against his lips in relief. I do. Did that mean he loved her?

Did he love her?

He did. She melted right in and closed her eyes and let him hold her and kiss her and trap her sweet tongue in his mouth. And she buried her fingers in his hair, she cupped his face, and he closed his eyes as well, losing himself in her tender touch, her sweet taste. His sweet little girl. He loved her so much. He pulled back to let her breathe. His taste on her tongue as his breath brushed cold on her wet lips.

“Watching you in pain and… screaming…” Erwin spoke looking away from her in shame. “…it was the worst thing that’s happened to me, Nathalie,” He admitted shamefully. So weak and vulnerable at that moment.

Maybe he did love her after all. Nathalie cupped his cheek and urged him to look at her. “Then it won’t ever happen again,” She gave him a sweet smile, but he frowned.

“No, it won’t,” His arm tightened around her. “I won’t let it,”

She buried her face in his neck and she smiled, closing her eyes. “I know you won’t,” She threw an arm around his waist, and she shifted closer. “My sweet man,” She mumbled. She didn’t know how much closer she could get, but she needed him closer, on top of her, to suffocate her with himself because she loved him. She loved him so much it was maddening.

He smiled, burying his face in her hair, and closing his eyes as well. “My sweet little girl,”

He thought he was going to get more time with her now, alas, the door snapped open, and a soldier walked in.

“Commander! I- I’m sorry if I’m interrupting, sir, but there’s an abnormal heading towards Orvud! You’re needed, sir!”

They pulled away from each other, and Erwin pulled himself to sit by the edge of the bed. “I’m coming,” Erwin nodded at the soldier before he saluted and walked out again. Erwin sighed tiredly and tried to stand up, but Nathalie caught his hand.

“Wait! I’m coming with you,” she said.

“Nathalie,” He took her hand in his own. “You’re in no state to fight,”

“Neither are you,” Nathalie pulled herself off the bed with a wince. “We need a shower and… new clothes,”

“I’m sure the nurses are not going to be happy about us leaving,” Erwin grinned.

She chuckled. They certainly weren’t in the appropriate state to take a leave. “They’ll be fine,” She made her way to the door, but he caught her hand, stopping her, making her turn and look at him.

“You’ll ride with me when we’re out there,” Erwin said, dead serious, and she knew she didn’t have a say in it. “And you won’t get out of my sight. Not even for a second. Is that understood?”

And even though he seemed serious and almost intimidating from that tone in his voice, she knew he was just worried. She could barely stand but even if he asked her to stay back, he knew she wouldn’t listen. If she was to come, she’d stay with him at all times where he knew she’d be safe.

But it almost felt like heaven. Being with him at all times was a dream come true for her. Nathalie smiled at him, and she nodded. “Understood,”

He cupped her cheek and brought her close to press a kiss on her forehead. “Good girl,”

Notes:

*sigh* im putting INHUMAN efforts here to keep this man from finally saying the three words sndjbhwkj

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap

Nathalie pulled back to look at Levi and thank him and wipe her tears, but he cupped her cheek and his lips crushed on top of her own. Her eyes widened and her heart thrummed fast and she was failing to find it in herself to kiss him back. And of course, she was failing. She loved another man. But he still loved her? Why was he kissing her? What was happening?!

And her heartbeat skyrocketed when Petra’s familiar voice came from behind.
“Captain…?”

Chapter 59: Scandal

Notes:

TYSM FOR THE AWESOME COMMENTS AND THE AWESOME SUPPORT

IT'S UNEDITED

It was night by the time Erwin and Nathalie guided a large number of Survey Corps troops to Orvud. It was a northern district, and Erwin did not expect them to know how to deal with a titan. He had to take matters in his hands, and he had to figure it out. Nathalie was riding with him just like he had asked. She was sitting in front of him, leading his horse whilst he kept his one arm tightly around her waist, her back pressed against his chest.

There was smoke – titan smoke. All that smoke could only indicate a huge titan that was evaporating. This titan – whatever it was – it should have been dead. But as the horse rode up the hill, then the view was spread in the distance and their eyes widened. It was huge. Twice the size of the Colossal even.

“Nathalie?” Erwin asked from behind and he sounded just as surprised as she was but he expected her to have an answer. She was his titan biologist. She was a Burgess. She must have known what this was and what had caused it.

“What have they done…” Nathalie breathed shakily before she whipped the reins and urged the horse to approach.

“Sir?” One of the soldiers asked from behind.

“Let’s take a closer look!” Erwin ordered.

“Somebody was turned into a titan,” Nathalie explained. “I can’t tell who, but I can tell that they didn’t get the spinal fluid intravenously,” She looked at the incredibly huge and distorted titan. Its limbs were too small. It was dragging itself face down and the friction with its massive weight were scratching at the front of its body.

“Then how did they get it?” Erwin asked.

Nathalie shrugged. “I don’t know… orally?” She made a guess.

“You mean that if spinal fluid is transmitted in any other way but intravenously, the result is this?” Erwin asked.

Nathalie nodded. “Yes. It’s messy, I know,”

Erwin sighed and he looked at the beast as they approached it. “Any suggestions?” He asked.

Nathalie tucked her new glasses up the bridge of her nose and she took a look at the smoke and the burning grass and trees that the beast left in its trail. “Do you see that fire?” She asked. “This thing is massive. It cannot withstand its proportions. The bigger the titan in size, the higher the temperature radiating off of it. Hence the Colossal Titan is burning to the touch and is capable of making so much steam. Imagine how much hotter a titan twice the size of the colossal would be,” Nathalie hinted, and he looked down at her and back up at the titan.

She was right. They could hardly approach it.

“The relationship between body temperature and body size in titans is linear. Which means if the size doubles, the heat emitted doubles as well,”

“How many degrees?” Erwin asked and Nathalie took a second to make a quick calculation.

“Well… at least 700 C,”

Erwin nodded. “Sounds like more than enough to light up explosives,”

“My point exactly,” Nathalie looked back at him over her shoulder, and she nodded.

And even though there was a massive titan heading over a district, and there were burning trees and soldiers all around waiting for his command, she was all he could focus on. She was so very beautiful with that new pair of glasses that was the exact same as the last one. But she was perfect, in her element of science and figuring things out and answering his questions so fast, so effectively. Questions that nobody behind the walls could answer.

His precious girl was so very smart. One of the many things he adored about her.

He was cupping her face and he hadn’t even realised. What the hell was he doing? He had things to do. He had to figure out a plan to take this titan out.

“Erwin?” Nathalie snapped him out of it, and he pulled his hand away from her cheek and he parted his lips to say something – anything – he had no idea what, but a soldier came from behind.

“Commander! The Levi, Hange and Miche squads are nearby. They got Eren and Historia,” The soldier said, and Nathalie urged the horse to turn and face the soldier.

“Take us to them,” Erwin said and Nathalie’s eyes widened.

“They had abducted Eren?! And Historia?!!” Nathalie cried out and Erwin realised he hadn’t filled her in on the subject.

“Uh… yes, but they retrieved them. They’re good now,” Erwin reassured her.

“I RAISED EREN! I’M THE FIRST ONE WHO SHOULD’VE KNOWN!” Nathalie growled letting go of the reins and Erwin grabbed them just in time to keep leading the horse while Nathalie was too focused on having a panic attack.

Erwin cringed slightly. “I know you care about the boy, but he’s alright,”

“HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?!”

Erwin chuckled.

She smacked his hand. “THAT’S NOT FUNNY!”

God, she was so adorable like this.

What are you thinking?! Focus! Erwin scolded himself internally. He had never been so distracted over something before. Once they reached the wagon and Nathalie guided the horse to ride alongside it, she jumped off the horse to the wagon.

Eren’s eyes widened. “Nat!”

She pulled him into a tight hug immediately. He buried his face in her shoulder and wrapped his arms around her. “My darling,” She sighed in relief and pulled back cupping his cheek, examining his face for any injuries. Maybe her motherly instincts were taking over more than they should. She knew he could heal any wounds, yet she still checked for any. “Are you okay?! Did they hurt you?!”

“I’m okay, I’m okay, but, Nat, your face,” Eren cupped her cheek and Mikasa approached them. She gasped and a lethal look took over her face.

“Who did this to you?!” Mikasa’s fists clenched furiously.

“It’s alright, I’m okay,” Nathalie pulled Mikasa in a brief hug as well to calm her down.

“Jeez, I nearly died, but thanks for asking,” Hange spoke from behind and Nathalie pulled from the hug only to see Hange lying down on the wooden floor of the wagon with a hand pressing hard down on a wound on her shoulder that was bleeding.

Nathalie’s eyes widened. “Oh my!” She fumbled through her pockets pulling out a white bandage roll. She always made sure to carry bandages. They always came handy. Nathalie knelt beside her and pulled her in her lap. Hange grunted as Nathalie started working on bandaging that wound to at least minimise the bleeding for now. Nathalie brought Hange to rest on her chest and she examined the wound. “I will merely stop the bleeding, but we need to get you to a hospital the second we step foot behind the walls,”

“I know… I know,” Hange grunted as Nathalie fastened the bandage around the bloody wound.

“Miche, Levi, report,” Erwin ordered.

“That titan is Rod Reiss,” Miche said, nodding his chin at the titan that was dragging itself nearby. Erwin’s eyes widened and Miche shrugged. “It got real messy,”

“Would love to hear your thoughts on this,” Levi said turning at Erwin who began to think.

Erwin looked at Nathalie who had just finished bandaging Hange and she let her lie back down gently. “Nathalie, with me,” Erwin ordered and she nodded, jumping on his horse and settling in front of him. “We’ll figure out a plan on our way to Orvud,”

“Right,” Nathalie caught the reins.

“Hey, Nat,” Miche cried out stopping them from moving away. “You owe me and my squad something for that beating,”

“The uh- what?!” Connie asked.

“It’s none of our business, Connie!” Jean cried out.

“Yeah, but does that mean Nat beat Section Commander Miche and his squad? ALL OF THEM?!” Sasha asked confusedly.

“Right?! It doesn’t make sense. But it’d explain that bruised eye Vice-Captain Nanaba has,” Connie said thoughtfully.

“SHUT UP, BRATS!” Nanaba cried out from a few metres ahead.

Nathalie began stuttering. “U- Uh, y- yeah! O- Of course, I- I’ll make it up to you all, please, I- I’m so sorry-”

“Nathalie,” Erwin reminded her that they had to ride ahead.

“R- Right! W- We’ll sort this out when we’re done with this, okay? I’m so sorry,” Nathalie urged the horse to start moving ahead.

“Apology not accepted!” Miche cried out certain that it would reach her from a few metres ahead.

“Wait… for real?!” Petra cried out, riding beside Levi. “I- I mean, I don’t question the Section Commander’s skill, but the Miche squad are… many and… strong, especially Miche,”

“Let’s not try and figure it out now, Petra,” Levi instructed. “Let’s just focus on the issue at hand,”

“Yes, sir!”

༻◊۞◊༺

“What was Miche talking about?” Erwin asked and good thing he was behind her, and he couldn’t see her eyes widening and her heart starting to beat rapidly.

“I- It’s nothing that can’t wait,” Nathalie turned briefly to give him a small smile, she had to distract him. He couldn’t know she had murdered the entire interior MP squad all on her own. He couldn’t know she had taken down one of the strongest squads of the Survey Corps.

He shouldn’t find out that it was because of something that was so wrong with her. He shouldn’t know what that was. She was alright. She was normal – or at least she had to act like it. She had to dodge it. She shouldn’t let him find out.

He would either use her newfound skill or hate her for it.

Fuck, why – after everything – why did she not feel capable of trusting this man to the fullest? This man – the man that she loved so dearly, but still insecure about this relationship even though they had almost sealed it to safety.

“So… explosives,” Nathalie brought him back to their issue and he looked at the titan.

“Right,” Erwin nodded. He was already coming up with a plan. “We need to use the city as bait,”

Nathalie’s eyes widened. “You’re joking,”

He chuckled. “I’m not. It’s an abnormal. It will head straight to the part of land with the most people. If we evacuate the people to the capital, it will try and breach the capital,”

Nathalie nodded. “I see your point. But it will easily stand up over the wall. The wall reached just below the colossal titan’s neck. This one will stand up over the wall,”

“What are the proportions, Nathalie?” Erwin asked and she huffed and took a look at the huge titan ahead.

This was going to be a very rough calculation. “The wall is 50 m and this titan looks like a rough 120-125 m. The wall should reach the stomach if it manages to stand up on its hindlegs, and maybe a little above considering the hindlegs won’t be able to keep this weight up to their length. They will either bend or break,”

Erwin nodded. “Understood. We just need to get the explosives down its throat. Tell me, Nathalie, with the way it’s dragging itself, how easy will it be for us to get to the throat?”

Nathalie looked at the titan and took a minute to think. “Look at the fire… and the friction and the smoke. Erwin, there will be no mouth. At least half of the titan is lost in the friction,”

“So reaching the throat will be effortless,”

“Exactly. We could use Eren to deliver the explosives. If we blow up the throat, we blow up the nape,” Nathalie nodded.

“Perfect. All that’s left is how to deliver the explosives. I’ll leave that to Hange,” Erwin said.

“No, Hange’s hurt. I’ll handle it,” Nathalie said.

“You’re hurt,” Erwin scoffed. His arm tightened around her. “You shouldn’t even be here,”

“I am alright, my darling,” Nathalie insisted. His arm was so very tight around her. Her delicate fingers reached for his own, that were plastered across her belly, holding tight there, pressing her back against his chest. She eased his tight grip by lacing her fingers within his own rough digits. “You needn’t be worried. I will just rest a lot after this and so will you,”

He gave her fingers a gentle squeeze and he sighed. “Fine,”

They reached Orvud in just a few minutes. The titan was left far behind to crawl its way to the city, but it was going to take all night for it to get there. It was past midnight by the time Erwin managed to gather all the commanders and high ranked officials of Orvud’s military.

Nathalie was outside of the Headquarters, thinking about the matter with the explosives. Eren would have to sweep them up, dozens of barrels with gunpowder but they wouldn’t fit in his fists no matter how gigantic they were. Eren’s titan was certainly large, but not that large. She turned and stared at the wall in the distance. She was standing outside the large military Headquarters, in the stables. Erwin’s white horse was beside her and she was stroking his blonde mane with gentle, rewarding moves. He had done a great job carrying both her and Erwin back to the district.

The horse turned and licked her hand snapping Nathalie out of her thoughts, and she giggled stroking from the nose, all the way up to the forehead. “Aren’t you a cutie,”

The horse snorted moving his head and it almost looked like he was nodding at a certain direction. Nathalie turned and looked at a straw basket hanging from a pilus nearby. She arched an eyebrow and she approached it only to find inside a bunch of apples. She laughed. Of course. She pulled out one and she tried to turn and feed it on the horse, but an idea struck her.

They needed a bag. They needed one huge bag to wrap the barrels in it so that Eren could carry them and toss the in the huge titan’s mouth!

Nathalie nearly squealed. She had figured it out. She brought the apple to the horse’s mouth. “You, sir, you’re a genius!”

She fed him another apple and she set off right away to order Hange’s and Miche’s squads around. They needed to get a huge net and as many gunpowder barrels as possible.

Wait, how about the hands?! It had to lose its balance. They had to take out the hands because that thing was too big. It had to bend down somehow, Eren couldn’t climb all the way up to reach the mouth. More explosives. More explosives and two extra ODM gears.

Oh, she had lots of orders to give and lots of work to do. Moblit said he took Hange to a hospital immediately and the Miche squad had every reason to hate her, but Miche threw a glare at all of them, and they immediately followed her orders.

“Good plan,” Miche said. “We’ll take it from here,”

Nathalie nodded. “Thank you,” He turned to leave with the rest of his squad and whatever was left of Hange’s squad to bring everything she had asked. “Miche!” Nathalie called out, stopping him. He turned and looked at her and she bit her lip. “I- I’m so sorry,” She knew that wasn’t enough. She hadn’t even realised how much damage she had done.

Well, her other self, that is. She had hurt them.

Miche sighed and approached her again. “There’s something wrong with you, Nat,” He placed a hand on her shoulder. “You’re not the one who’s supposed to apologise, there’s someone else and…”

It sounded so absurd and so impossible. He had made an assumption, but it was absurd and it made no sense. Nonsense was the only way to make sense of it. Nathalie would never hurt them. But something else would. Nathalie wasn’t capable of fighting him and his entire squad on her own, but something else could. There was something else inside her.

He groaned and ran a hand through his forehead tiredly. “It’s so stupid,”

“No,” Nathalie chewed on her lip. “You’re right. There is something else. Someone else,” She admitted and his eyes widened. She caught his hands. “Erwin mustn’t know. No one must,”

He groaned and turned to leave. “We’ll talk about this later,”

“Miche, please!”

“I won’t tell!” He turned his back on her and walked away. “Yet,”

Nathalie sighed.

Perfect. Now Miche knew. She had promised herself she wouldn’t let anybody find out about her condition. She was going insane, and she had failed to keep it a secret. What if Miche told Erwin? What would Erwin do? Would Erwin use her other self to fight this war, or would he leave her?

He couldn’t marry her if she was insane. She couldn’t be his wife – the mother of his children if she was schizophrenic and mad and losing her mind. She was going to lose everything if he found out. She was going to lose him. She was going to lose her life her friends, the children that she had raised. She was going to lose everything.

Hadn’t she already lost everything though?

No matter how long she could keep it from happening, Erwin would find out. They would notice that she had turned the mirrors in her quarters. They could find that one single word scratched all over in the floor of her bathroom. She could no longer hide it beneath a matt. The words were growing in numbers dangerously, and one of her mirrors were broken and there were way too many candles and oil lamps in her quarters that she used to light up every corner in the nights. To make sure there were no shadows to haunt her in the nights.

She was losing her mind and she had left back all the evidence. Erwin would find out. Everybody would find out. She was only prolonging the inevitable.

“Nat!”

A familiar voice snapped her out of it and Nathalie turned to see Levi. Her eyes widened and she fell in his arms right away. “Levi!” Nathalie wrapped her arms around his shoulders, and he wrapped his own around her waist bringing her closer. He buried his face in her shoulder and he closed his eyes. She squeezed him tightly. A hug was all she needed right now.

He pulled back to cup her face and examine that bruise around her eye, her swollen cheek, that cut on her face, on her lip. He caught her hand, finding the five torn nails and he took her other hand, finding three more that were also torn and he gritted his teeth. They had tortured her.

Levi caught her chin, forcing her mouth open to search for any missing teeth but it seemed they hadn’t touched her teeth. Nathalie took his hand in her own, stopping him.

“I’m alright, don’t worry-”

“They tortured you-”

“They did, but I’m alive-”

“Be honest with me,” Levi cupped her cheek, making sure he had her attention. “Are you in pain right now?”

Nathalie looked up at those silver eyes that she so adored. He was so worried, he was searching in her blue eyes for any sign of pain and discomfort, any emotion, anything. He needed to know how she felt. She had been tortured. She had been dragged into this by Erwin. Erwin was supposed to protect her! Erwin was supposed to pull her to safety – to keep her out of this. He knew Erwin didn’t care for her, but she was at least important to his plans, right?

Alas, Levi didn’t know that the Miche squad tried to protect her as per Erwin’s orders.

But, yes, she was in pain. Physically, in many, many spots on her body that bullets had dug yet her body refused to die for some reason. And her missing nails – the flesh stung like hell and the bruises all over her body were painful with every move she made. Mentally, because she had just realised, she was going to lose everything.

Would Levi still look at her with that worry – that affection if he found out she was nothing but a poor little woman losing her mind? Just a madwoman fit for an asylum.

Tears filled her eyes and threatened to slip but it wasn’t because of the physical pain. No, she could handle physical pain better than anything. But she knew she was going to lose everything, and she was the only one who knew that.

Nathalie nodded shakily. “Y- Yes,” It almost came out in a whisper and his eyes softened.

Levi cupped the back of her head and urged her to bury her face in his neck and a small sob escaped her, but she closed her eyes and allowed him to hold her. She needed this more than she had realised. Maybe he couldn’t understand. Maybe she couldn’t tell him, but he was there. Always there.

Nathalie pulled back to look at him and thank him and wipe her tears, but he cupped her cheek and his lips crushed on top of her own. Her eyes widened and her heart thrummed fast and she was failing to find it in herself to kiss him back. And of course, she was failing. She loved another man. But he still loved her? Why was he kissing her? What was happening?!

And her heartbeat skyrocketed when Petra’s familiar voice came from behind.

“Captain…?”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

actually, skimming through the next chap, nothing important happens but imma give you a hint for the next huge plotwist.

u see Miche in those scenes on the chap above? yeah, he's not there

ehehehehehehhehehehehehee

Chapter 60: Resting

Notes:

a lil bit of fluffiness and a niiiiiiceeeee cliffhanger eheheehehe

tysm for reading and commenting!!!

Nathalie was trying to keep herself distracted on the task at hand. She couldn’t just stand and think of last night. How fast she had run away after that so unexpected kiss. How much she had tried to avoid both Levi and Petra. She didn’t want anything to do with them both.

How dare he kiss her?

She thought he was just there to be a good friend and provide her with comfort. It was the sole reason she had let him hug her. Levi knew her a bit too well. But why did he kiss her? Why?! And why did Petra had to show up and see it? Petra was glaring daggers at her even though she was all around on top of the wall, right now in the early morning, setting up the explosives and wrapping up the barrels in a net as per Nathalie’s orders. Petra was glaring at her – and Nathalie did not blame her.

Levi was ordering his squad around and Miche was talking with Erwin. Nathalie felt an uneasy pit in her stomach. All she had done was pull away from the kiss and run away. She had run, because she didn’t know how to deal with that kind of situation. She never thought she’d find herself in one. Nathalie just ran like a helpless child trying to get away from an uncomfortable situation.

She thought she could trust Levi.

How could she face Erwin after this? She had to tell him. She certainly should.

“I believe you heard from Captain Levi. After this is over, we’ll crown you queen, so naturally, I cannot let you fight on the front line,” Erwin’s voice snapped her out of it and Nathalie turned to see Erwin talking to the young girl with the bright blue eyes and blonde hair.

Historia turned her face down. She didn’t seem happy about this. “Right,”

No. That was wrong. Historia didn’t seem to want this. Maybe she didn’t even want to be a queen in the first place. Was Erwin really forcing this on her?

Nathalie approached her. “Historia Reiss, correct?” Nathalie asked and the girl tensed up.

“Yes, ma’am!”

Nathalie smiled at her and placed a hand on her shoulder. “Just Nat,” The girl looked confusedly at her but her stiff shoulders relaxed and Nathalie turned and looked at Erwin as he ordered his soldiers around. “Intimidating, isn’t he? I promise you though, he’s got a heart somewhere beneath that wooden chest,”

Historia chuckled. The tension completely disappeared.

“Hey,” Nathalie cupped her face getting her attention. “If you don’t want the throne, just say it, and I will talk him out of it,” Nathalie grinned. “I’ve talked him out through worse, trust me,”

“Thank you but… I have accepted the throne. I just want to fight for the people I’m supposed to serve. Isn’t a queen supposed to fight for her people?”

God, yes, absolutely. Actually, it was because of leaders that didn’t understand that that the world was a mess right now. A leader is naught but a servant to the people. The people have the power to choose or accept or overthrow a leader.

But nowadays the people seem to have forgotten that.

Nathalie smiled at her. “You will make the finest Queen,” The girl’s bright blue eyes sparkled, and she smiled back. Nathalie nodded her head at Erwin’s direction. “Talk to him. He doesn’t bite,” She grinned. “Even if he tries to stop you, I promise I won’t let him,”

Historia nodded and she turned to approach him with a look of determination on her face, but Nathalie spoke.

“Historia,” The girl turned and looked at her. Nathalie saluted her, slamming a fist on her chest. “I would be honoured to serve you as my Queen,”

Historia’s eyes widened and she watched her as Nathalie turned around to leave and check if everything was set up as planned. Now, she was more determined to talk to Erwin and present him with facts on why she should do this.

Everything went according to plan. Nathalie and Erwin did not fight. They were in no state to fight, but Erwin let Historia do as she wished, and she delivered the final blow. They all chopped the last bits of nape that went flying in the air after the explosion. Erwin and Nathalie just stood at the top of the wall, and they watched. It was amazing to see how much those kids had grown. So skilled and talented already. Levi had taught them well.

Nathalie chuckled in relief. It had worked. “It worked,”

Erwin smiled. “Of course, it did,” He wrapped an arm around her and her head landed on his shoulder tiredly. “Let’s go home,”

Nathalie was only reminded that she had things to do. She had to talk to Miche and Nanaba. Maybe only Miche had noticed it. Maybe it was only him she had to talk to. She had to convince him not to tell anybody else. She had to keep this a secret. But most of all, she had research to do. Maybe now that the government was overthrown, they could finally access those labs beneath the palace. She had so much research to do. She had so many things to deal with and she was so very tired.

Maybe deep down she hoped for this ordeal to last a little bit longer.

But the second they returned to Trost in the Survey Corps Headquarters, Nathalie headed for her quarters right away. She didn’t want to talk to anyone. She just wanted to tend to her wounds and take a shower and rest. That’s all she wanted. And she did just that. She walked out of the shower wrapping a towel around her and she started disinfecting her wounds and bandaging them all over.

They were many but in a much better state than they should have been. The bleeding was so minimal. Nathalie traced the initials on her chest. Angry cuts of the letters that comprised Erwin’s name. She could remember the pain from every single one of them. She looked at her missing nails and only then did she realise her fingers were shaking. They were still radiating with pain.

She was certain that if she looked herself in the mirror, she would be hurt and bruised all over. But she couldn’t look at a mirror. No. The voices inside her mind were loud already.

Nathalie bandaged the bullet wounds. There was no point in bandaging the bruises and the shallow cuts that had stopped bleeding. Nathalie put on her nightgown, and she slipped beneath the warm covers of her bed. It was 12 am by the time she closed her eyes and tried to sleep. It should have been so easy for her to sleep. She had been so tired, yet she couldn’t.

She remembered Erwin’s screams. She had never heard this man plead as much as he did when they were torturing her. She couldn’t remember what he was saying. Her ears were ringing from the beating, but she could hear his voice saying something loudly whilst daggers dug on her skin and pincers tore her nails.

“Please… please, don’t!”

A frightened soldier crawled on his back, staring worriedly at her as he begged for his life. She let him run but she chased after him and she caught him and she wrapped fat chains around his throat, and she pulled. She pulled and pulled until he could no longer breathe. Until his body was shaking like a helpless fish, dying beneath her grip as she pressed on his back with her knee.

“Nathalie! You don’t know what you’re doing!”

Now that was Miche’s voice. He was fighting her with his sword. He was trying not to hurt her. There were bodies lying all around. It was his squad. He didn’t know what she had done to them. For all he knew, she could have killed them. And maybe he was right, she didn’t know what she was doing. She was fighting her comrades with the intention to kill.

He swiped his sword in front of her, but she jumped out of the way. She snuck to his side and punched him in the ribs. He grunted loudly because her punch was so powerful, she must’ve broken his ribs. She tried to kick him but he created a cut on her leg with his sword and he caught her hands, twisting her, trapping her arms behind her back, immobilising her.

“This isn’t you,” Miche cried out, but she elbowed him and snuck behind him and wrapped his temple with one hand and his cheekbone with the other and she twisted his head till a crack sounded behind his throat. He fell down, a dead carcass and she was left there, eyes red and blood all over her body. Miche’s blood lied in her hands.

She had just snapped his head.

She looked at the other bodies. Nanaba, Tomas, Gelgar, Lynne, Henning, she had killed them all.

Nathalie snapped out of her sleep, breathing hard with a cold drop of sweat running down her temple. She rubbed her sweaty forehead and her eyes widened. No. This was just a dream. Just a nightmare. None of this had happened. Miche was alive, she had talked to him and his squad. They were all alive and well. It was just her mind playing tricks on her. It was just her mind messing with her, driving her closer and closer to insanity.

Her attention fell blankly at a random, blank spot in her room. The streetlights came faint from the window and the shadows moved against the wall in an ominous dance. It wasn’t the wind. There was no wind, she would’ve been able to hear it whistling through her windowsills. No. Those shadows were inside her mind. The whispers returned. She buried her face in her hands, shutting her eyes and trying to ignore them, telling herself they weren’t real. Her fingers clenched in her hair. She was failing to calm herself down. She looked back up and those shadows were getting closer.

She wept. She couldn’t sleep like this.

Nathalie stood up off the bed and wrapped her silky white robe around her body. She rushed out of her quarters and headed straight for Erwin’s. It wasn’t the first time she was trying to escape her nightmares, her demons in his embrace. She knew he was sleeping, he must have been so tired, she did not want to disturb him. But she needed him right now. She couldn’t stand to be alone.

Nathalie found him lying down on his bed, making sure not to crush the arm that was missing. It would hurt otherwise – she thought. She took off her robe and draped it over the back of a wooden chair nearby. She snuck beneath the bedsheets and lied beside him. Even with his trained senses to always pick up the presence of someone, he must have been so tired, he didn’t even notice her being there. And it was alright.

He was so beautiful right there, in his peaceful sleep, blonde hair messy on his pillow. Soft snores escaped his nose. A peaceful look on his face. He had tucked his hand beneath his pillow, beneath his cheek. She smiled softly and she couldn’t help it. She cupped his partly rough cheek. Facial hair had started to grow again – she tried not to giggle out loud – she would probably have to shave him tomorrow.

God, she loved him so much. She would never stop saying it or showing it. And maybe it had gotten to something even more intense than love. Maybe she was obsessed with him. She had beaten up a squad full of friends just because they were trying to keep her away from him. She would kill for him without question. She had allowed herself to get tortured just to be with him. She had taken all those bullets and she had survived somehow, for the sake of going back to him. And now, she was staring at him in his sleep.

Maybe she was obsessed with him indeed. It was sick, yet she couldn’t stop it. Anything for him. Her life too.

Nathalie shot those thoughts aside and she curled up to his side like a kitten. She closed her eyes, and she buried her face on his clothed chest. Even when he wasn’t hugging her, and he didn’t even know that she was there – even when she could still hear those voices inside her mind and she could feel those shadows staring at her – even then she felt safe beside him.

She fell asleep fast, and she slept peacefully this time.

It was a few hours later that he began to stir. It was early in the morning and the sunlight was still a light blue coming from his window. Erwin felt a gentle weight pressing on the bed beside him and he opened his eyes. He blinked a few times to clear out his sleepy, blurry vision and he saw a familiar brown head with messy brown locks scattered all over, even on her face. She was curled up to his side, her face close to his chest and her shoulder, exposed. She was wearing her favourite, white, sleeveless nightgown.

A small smile spread on his lips unbeknownst to him. He wanted to tuck his second pillow beneath her head because her head was just lying on his mattress, but he realised he’d need a second hand to do that. He reached down for her face, and he pushed the brown locks away from her forehead. He was absolutely certain they had messily fallen there, they always did when she slept. He always wondered how she could sleep in a mess of hair falling all over her face.

He stretched out his hand, reaching for the blanket that had fallen off her shoulder and he brought it over her exposed shoulder and back. She shifted closer to him in her sleep, burying her face in his chest and letting out a small hum.

He could not see her face, but he knew she was perfect right now. Well, Nathalie was always perfect, but now, that she was curled beside him, nuzzling into him, shifting closer to him in her sleep. His little girl, so needy for him. So perfect. So beautiful. He probably had to stand up and begin his day, but he wasn’t going to do it. Maybe a few years back he would’ve found it very easy to leave her alone on his bed, but now?

After everything…

Erwin’s hand found her hair. He was trying to be gentle as he petted her, burying in her hair his rough, large fingers – that were big enough to cup her entire head – and stroking gently, bringing her closer in the slightest. He had been so worried. So worried and terrified. So terrified that he was going to lose her.

But most of all, he was terrified that they had touched her in the way that only he was allowed to touch her. It is a relationship, because you’re mine, Nathalie. Yes, she was his, and she had to know that. She had to know that – everybody had to know that. Maybe he was being more than a little selfish. No, he was being a lot selfish and maybe territorial, but she was his. No other woman would go through that hell for him. No other woman would love him so much after everything that he had done to her – after everything that he had put her through.

And, no, it wasn’t a game anymore. It wasn’t that game between him and Levi that started all those years ago on who was going to lay claim on her. Nathalie was his. She had been his from the start. From the very first day their parents introduced them to each other. Even back then, she was a shy little girl hiding behind her mom’s skirt, with huge blue eyes and a lock at the back of her hair that was always flying in the air.

If they had a daughter, would she look like that little Nathalie from back then? How perfect that would be? Would their son take after him? He wished they’d both take after her, because then, they would both be perfect. Pretty and adorable and smart just like his little girl. His precious little girl.

He was going to keep her safe at any cost.

Nathalie began to stir too. She rubbed her eyes with her fists and finally pulled her face off his chest to look up at him. He was awake like she expected him to be. He always woke up first, her strong man. She gave him a soft smile.

“Good morning, my love,”

He parted his lips to say something similar, but she buried her face back in his chest and closed her eyes and he chuckled. “Are you going back to asleep?” Erwin grinned.

She hummed. “Maybe… I’m pretty sure I’ve earned it,” She teased.

She really had. But he was impatient. He snuck his arm between her body and the mattress and he dragged her to his height, finally bringing her head to rest beside his on his pillow. Nathalie let out a yelp and she burst into giggles.

“Hey! What are you-”

He didn’t let her say a word further. He kissed her hard and his arm tightened around her waist, pressing her whole body against his own. His tongue tasted her own and then he nibbled on the cut on her lower lip making her gasp at the sting of the once open wound. His arm folded around her back, grasping her waist, her shoulder, caging her in against him.

He pulled back to let her breathe. Wet plump lips remained parted for him even after their kiss, inviting him to kiss her again, over and over. But his attention fell on her chest. On the initials of his name carved in angry, red marks ruining the perfect pale skin of her chest. He tried to trace them with his index finger, but she let out a hiss upon contact and her body flinched in his grasp.

“Does it hurt?” Erwin asked worriedly.

Nathalie bit her lip and she nodded. “The… memory hurts more,”

He felt anger unlike anything he’d ever felt before. He wanted to torture those men just as they had done to her. No, he wanted to do something worse. It wouldn’t mend the damage and her torn skin, but it would be justice. And he was doing such a great job in hiding it – she didn’t seem to have noticed how angry he was getting and how hard he was clenching his fist behind her back.

He was going to make those men pay. He remembered their faces. The same men who had tortured him. Levi was talented with torturing people. Erwin was certain that he would be more than willing to help

“Erwin…?” Nathalie snapped him out of it and his eyes finally snapped back at her own.

He brought his arm back on her waist. “I won’t let anyone hurt you ever again,” he said, a promise to her and himself. So long as he was still alive, he wouldn’t allow anyone to lay a finger on her.

She smiled at him and she cupped his cheek. “Just keep loving me. I won’t ever ask for anything more than that,”

She buried her face in his neck and allowed him to hold her for just a little while. Maybe he wasn’t saying it, but she knew he loved her. He pressed a kiss on her temple, her assurance that he did love her.

Erwin pulled back after a while and he stood up off the bed. “C’mon, we need to find Miche and his squad,”

Her eyes widened and her blood ran cold. “W- What…?”

Notes:

Sneak Peek in the Next Chap:

“I… I… I killed him… I killed Miche… I killed Nanaba… a- and Gelgar, and Lynne, and Henning, and Tomas, and everyone, I killed them, Erwin! I killed them!”

EHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEHHE

nah im still messing with u

Chapter 61: Madness

Notes:

THIS CHAP IS ON FIRE just like the author, been writing 4k words per day LMAO IVE NO LIFE

tysm for reading AND PLS COMMENT!

UNEDITED!

We need to find Miche and his squad.

What did he mean by that? Miche was okay. His squad were alive. They were okay, she had seen them, she had talked to them, she had talked to Miche. She had promised Miche she would find him today and they would talk about everything. She had promised to make it up to them. Miche and his squad worked with Levi and Hange to bring back Historia and Eren, didn’t they? They fought together on top of the walls of Orvud, didn’t they?

They were there, weren’t they?

Weren’t they?!

No, they’re here, I saw them! She had seen them, she had talked to them, she had given them orders. She had talked to Miche. What did Erwin mean by that?!

Nathalie’s heart was pounding hard as she watched Erwin get dressed and leave his bedroom to go to his office and begin to think about a plan. And she was left there, staring blankly in some random spot in the room. Her fists clenched so hard around the blankets and she tried to make sense of it.

She couldn’t make sense of it. Nothing made sense. She was a Burgess. She was amongst the smartest human beings in the world, and she couldn’t answer the simplest question. Was Miche and his squad there, or were they not? And if they weren’t there, where were they?

Where are they?!

No… no, no, no, no, I talked to them. I talked to them. I saw them. I talked to Miche we had a conversation we talked, we… now she was sitting up, burying her fingers in her hair, pacing back and forth like a psychiatric patient in an asylum. Her eyes widened and she stopped.

That was it.

Miche was there.

His squad, they were there.

But only in her mind.

“Hey, Nat, you owe me and my squad something for that beating,”

“Nat,” He placed a hand on her shoulder. “You’re not the one who’s supposed to apologise, there’s someone else and… it’s so stupid,”

“No, you’re right. There is something else. Someone else. Erwin mustn’t know. No one must,”

“We’ll talk about this later,”

Was this all inside her mind? If a stranger walked by, would they see her talk to the thin air? She was going insane, and it was deteriorating. But she could have sworn he was there. She had talked to him. Miche was alive and well. Miche was okay. Miche was…

“Nathalie! You don’t know what you’re doing!”

He was struggling to fight her. He was trying not to hurt her, but she had all the intent to kill. His squad was lying all around, lifeless, and unmoving and he knew what she had done to them. She had killed them. He had watched it happen before his eyes. He kept telling himself – trying to convince himself that she didn’t know what she was doing. She was fighting her comrades with the intention to kill but it wasn’t purposeful.

No. Nathalie wouldn’t kill them, why would she?

Why did she do it?! Nathalie would never do this but why…

How could she?! How dare she kill her friends?!

He swiped his sword in front of her, he created a cut on her leg. He was trying to hurt her now. He was angry. He had to hurt her if he wanted to survive. He caught her hands, twisting her, trapping her hands behind her back, and immobilising her.

“This isn’t you,” Miche growled. Still, he wanted to trust that the sweet Nathalie he knew would never do this. His best friend’s woman would never…

She would never… he let her go because he couldn’t hurt her. Nathalie was precious. Nathalie was sweet and caring and the kindest person he’d ever known, but… what was going on?

He let his guard and untangled his arms from around her. She took the chance and she elbowed him and snuck behind him and wrapped his temple with one hand and his cheekbone with the other and she twisted his head till a cracking sound erupted from the back of his throat. He fell down, a dead carcass and she was left there, eyes red and blood all over her.

Miche’s blood lied in her hands.

His entire squad’s blood lied in her hands.

Her friends’ blood lied in her hands.

Nathalie looked down at her hands and they were drenched in sticky hot blood.

She screamed.

Erwin rushed to the bedroom, ready for anything. She couldn’t have had a nightmare. She was awake. He found her sitting on his bed and tears ran down her cheeks like warm, salty waterfalls. She was shaking.

“What’s wrong?!” Erwin asked alarmed.

He looked all around the room, searching for some threat, some man who was there to hurt her – or a rodent at best, but he knew that what she most feared were cockroaches – that’s not relevant! He scolded himself and rushed to her side placing a hand on her shoulder, kneeling in front of her to come to her height. She was mumbling incoherent words and sobbing and trembling.

He cupped her face, wiping away her tears as much as he could but they were endless. What had happened? Why was she a mess all of a sudden? Something terrible must have happened.

“Nathalie!” He called out her name a little harsher making sure to earn her attention and she looked at him with terrified blue eyes. “What’s wrong, what happened? Tell me. What is it?”

“I… I… I killed him… I killed Miche… I killed Nanaba… a- and Gelgar, and Lynne, and Henning, and Tomas, and everyone, I killed them, Erwin… I killed them…”

Here she was, admitting to murder. Here she was, losing it all in just one moment. She had killed his best friend. Maybe he wouldn’t believe her. Maybe not yet, but he’d figure it out. She couldn’t keep it from him. But she was going to lose him. She was going to lose her life. She was going to lose her friends, her career, her freedom. She was going to lose everything. Would things be better if she had told Erwin about her condition? Would he have been able to prevent it if he knew?

Was he going to find out about it now?

“Nathalie,” Erwin took her hand in his own. “You couldn’t have killed them, you could never even take Miche down in a simple sparring session, let alone his squad and himself at the same time-”

“You don’t know what happened, you weren’t there!” Nathalie cried out. “I did it! I’m a murderer, I- I killed them… I killed them-”

“You didn’t kill them!” Erwin growled at her he took her hand and yanked it off her face with a brutal move that knocked a whimper out of her. He hadn’t even realised he had been that harsh. He loosened his grip around her bruised wrist. “You didn’t kill them, because you can’t,” He urged her to kneel down too, and he guided her to bury her face in his neck. He stroked her hair until her sobs died down. “You can’t, my little girl,” He pressed kisses on her forehead, her temples, her cheeks. “My sweet little girl cannot do much harm to a much larger man, let alone many of them,” And it was true, wasn’t it?

Why would she even hurt Miche? Or anyone from his squad? They were her friends. How did she even come to that conclusion?

No. Erwin was in denial. Nathalie didn’t do it. He was certain of it. It didn’t make any sense. He couldn’t figure out a solid explanation. No. There wasn’t an explanation. Nathalie was incapable of doing anything like this.

“Now,” Erwin pulled back to look at her and wipe whatever remaining tears stained her cheeks. “Go put some clothes on and meet me back in my office. Think you can do that?”

Nathalie nodded hesitantly and he pressed a kiss on her forehead.

“Good girl,”

༻◊۞◊༺

Nathalie never walked out of her quarters for the rest of the day. Erwin wanted to check up on her, but things kept occurring. He had sent Levi and his squad to find Miche and the others and he was waiting for them to return. Hange was resting and Moblit had taken over her duties for now and Erwin finished another meeting with the other Commanders planning for the date of the coronation among many other important things and now he was in his office, signing a few papers. It was afternoon. Night had started to fall.

The door opened and Levi walked in dressed in his ODM and his Survey Corps uniform, letting him know that he had just gotten back.

“We only found their horses dead. The bodies weren’t there,” Levi said.

I killed them. I killed them all. If she had killed them, the bodies would’ve been there. “Where did you find them?”

“Around 30 miles south-western outside of Trost,” Levi said. “What did Nathalie say?” He asked.

I killed them. I killed them all. No, she couldn’t. She can’t. “Nathalie’s in shock. We can’t take in consideration anything she says for now,” Erwin said and he hoped that was a great excuse to use to convince himself. Levi seemed convinced though as he nodded in understanding.

“I’ll check up on her,” Levi said and he turned to leave right away.

“No, she…” Erwin sighed. “…she needs some time. She’s resting, I’ll check up on her in an hour,”

Levi nodded. “How’s Hange?”

“Resting as well,” Erwin turned his attention back on his paperwork. “You should rest too, Levi,”

“Tsk,” The only sound Levi made before he walked out of the room leaving Erwin back to think.

I killed them. I killed them all. He just couldn’t get it out of his mind. It wasn’t possible for her to have done something like this, she lacked the strength. She lacked the strength and the skill to take down Miche, let alone his entire squad. No. There was no way. They had found the horses, but the bodies weren’t there. Was it possible that whoever had done it had dragged the bodies away? He couldn’t tell. Searching more for them would be pointless. They were alive. They would find their way back. If Nathalie had killed them, she wouldn’t try and hide the bodies. She didn’t have the time to bury them or hide them. Nathalie was in a hurry to come back to Trost.

This was yet another reason why she hadn’t done it.

He had so many reasons to explain why it wasn’t her. But why would she say it was her? Did she have a nightmare? Did she go back to sleep after he stood up off the bed? Probably she did, he wasn’t there to see it. Maybe she had a nightmare. Maybe she was under shock. Sure, she was a Scout and being shocked over something was rare for a scout, but she had just gotten tortured, and that was a first for her – for them both. Maybe it was shock indeed.

But his mind fell back to that one day that he had seen her practice in the training hall of the building. She was punching and kicking a punching bag. And with a single move she had sent the punching bag flying to the opposite wall.

Where had this strength come from?

The punching bag was certainly twice her weight. How did she do that?

“How did you do that?”

“I- I… yeah, I… I- I- I don’t know, I mean the rope holding it up had started to wear off, so I guess that explains how it fell off…”

Yes, maybe the rope had worn off. Maybe she was right. It wasn’t her strength. No. It wasn’t. But Erwin knew he was trying to convince himself with something that still made no sense. How did it land across the room?

They didn’t find the bodies. No bodies, no murder. They might still be alive.

A knock came on his door, snapping him out of it. Erwin looked at the hour on the clock that hung from his wall. It was 9 pm. He didn’t expect anyone at this hour, except Nathalie, but Nathalie had stopped knocking a while now.

“Come in,”

It was Petra.

“Please, sit,” Erwin showed one of the two chairs in front of his office and he turned his attention back on his paperwork. “How may I help you?”

“Sir… I know you and Section Commander Burgess are close, but… I feel like you should know about this,”

Erwin arched an eyebrow. Did she know something that he didn’t? “What is it, Lieutenant?”

“You see, sir…” She seemed nervous, or at least trying to act like it. “…Captain Levi and Dr Burgess… I caught them kissing the other night,”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

“Petra came to me and said she caught you and Levi kissing..." Erwin said, and her eyes widened and her heart thrummed hard beneath her chest. “…is that true? Do you still love him?”

Chapter 62: Loyalty 🟥

Notes:

sometimes i wonder whether the smut i write is hot or just disturbing AHAHAHAHA
nah jk this chap is cute and hot af

um especially with how erwin dealt with the petra situation, i strongly believe his reaction here is such a canon behaviour and it's HOT AS FUCK but lemme know if you agree with me

Erwin chuckled and he could tell that wasn’t the reaction that she was expecting at all. “What do you think you’ll achieve by telling me this?”

Petra tensed up right away. It certainly wasn’t the reaction she had been expecting. She expected him to be furious. “I- I’m just informing you, sir-!”

“Lieutenant Ral,” he said, a dead serious look on his face. “Dr Burgess and I have been through things that you and Captain Levi cannot even imagine. If Nathalie kissed Levi and if it meant anything to her, then she’s going to tell me about it when she’s ready and I’m willing to wait until she is. For now, I have more important things to worry about,”

He turned his attention back on the paperwork on his desk which was clearly more important than the girl’s point. He didn’t care. In fact, he knew Nathalie loved him. He trusted Nathalie. A good relationship’s fundamental element was trust and he trusted her with his life. A more logical explanation would be Levi kissing her without her consent. He was going to talk to Nathalie about it. They could both resolve anything so long as they talked to each other and trusted each other, and he could tell that they had that.

He couldn’t allow an outsider to ruin what he and Nathalie had spent their entire lives building. This could have been a vicious lie. It was apparent to everyone that Levi’s heart still belonged to Nathalie. Nathalie was more important to Levi than what Petra – his actual girlfriend – was. No, it was certainly a vicious lie meant to break that precious relationship that he had with his precious little Nathalie.

“Now, if there’s nothing else, you’re dismissed,” Erwin said without even looking at her as she stormed out of his office with a curt goodnight.

He sighed. Of all the things, he had to deal with that bullshit too. Maybe he could just talk to Nathalie about it, but it wasn’t of any importance. He was absolutely certain than even if Levi kissed her, she wasn’t consenting to it. Nathalie had gotten tortured for him. She would never do the same for Levi. Nathalie loved him more than she could love anyone.

He had to check up on her.

Erwin abandoned his paperwork and he stood up and walked out of his office. He doubted he had the strength to work any more today. He walked towards her quarters, and he walked in. It was night and there was darkness in her quarters at this hour. He made his way to her bedroom. She was lying right there on one side of her bed, resting. Her hair was messy, and her eyes were closed. Soft, rhythmic breaths escaped her nose. She had a hand tucked beneath her pillow beneath the spot where her cheek was resting on. Her green blanket reached her shoulder.

Erwin approached her and he sat by the edge of the bed beside her. She sensed his weight pressing on her mattress and his hand found her cheek. A warm, rough thumb brushed across her skin and she hummed. She took his hand in her own and she opened her blue eyes looking at him sleepily.

“Erwin,” She smiled at him and supported his hand on her cheek, pressing a kiss on his open palm.

“Are you okay?” Erwin asked. For all he knew she hadn’t walked out of her quarters today at all.

Nathalie nodded. “I’m alright,”

“Your wounds?”

“Closing up,” She cupped his face to take a look at his eye that was no longer as black and bruised as it had been just a day ago. She examined his face, his missing nails. There wasn’t much light, but enough moonlight coming from her half-open window. “You look better too,” She smiled at him and ran her thumb across his rough cheek, and she giggled. “But I will shave you, tomorrow,”

He chuckled. “You know I can handle it on my own-”

She placed her hand on his lips, cutting him. “Hush, let me spoil you,”

He took her hand in his own and began pressing kisses all over her knuckles. “I am a lucky man,”

How could this woman ever cheat on him? He knew she hadn’t. There was no way. She giggled and buried her fingers in his hair when he leaned down and kissed her. She tasted so sweet, a groan erupted from his throat, and she parted her lips for him a little more for his tongue to make a dive. His familiar scent filled her senses and her fingers clenched in his hair, tugging him closer. He pulled the blanket off her body to reveal her beneath in her white gown that reached just above her knees. He dug his elbow above her head to hover above her as he settled between her legs that parted right away for him.

She wrapped her legs around his waist and arched her body up to reach for him, to rub herself on his clothed cock that had started to form a tent beneath his pants. He groaned against her lips and she gasped at the sweet friction. Her clothed clit dragged deliciously over his crotch. He grinded over her again and again and she pulled from the kiss to suck in a breath. Her chest heaved up and down and her pretty lips were parted and wet and swollen. Her hair was a mess, and he buried his fingers into them. Her legs were tight around his waist, and he couldn’t help it. He buried his face in her neck and made his way to her chest.

He kissed the initials of his name that were carved up on her chest and she hissed and whimpered at the contact of his lips with the once open wounds, now scars that she was going to carry for the rest of her life. The name of the man that she loved with her entire being. She earned those scars because she loved him. The man who loved her more than life itself and she had no idea.

He was going to kiss her newly acquired scars. He was going to kiss her all over. Every single kiss, his testament of his love for her. Could she really have kissed Levi when Erwin’s name was literally carved on her chest? He knew she hadn’t. He didn’t believe Petra’s lies. But he imagined Levi kissing her. He imagined this other man kissing her and it was infuriating. The realisation hadn’t hit him when Petra came in and said it, but now… now it was maddening.

He pulled back from her chest to press his forehead against her own. They were both breathless from the long kisses, the touches, the minimal stimulation they worked on with their bodies grinding against each other.

But he had to know.

“Petra came to me and said she caught you and Levi kissing. Now, of course, I didn’t believe her, because I know you’re mine, but tell me…” Erwin said, and her eyes widened, and her heart thrummed hard beneath her chest. “…is it true?”

“Y- Yes, he kissed me… he kissed me, but I didn’t want him to. I- I didn’t kiss him back, I swear! I pushed him away and I ran… I ran back to you,”

She almost panicked. Why would Petra do that? But she knew why. Ugh. Why would Petra meddle with other people’s lives?! It wasn’t Nathalie’s fault Levi kissed her. Nathalie didn’t want Levi. She wanted Erwin, dammit!

Erwin sensed her panic right away and his thumb found her forehead, swiping her hair away from her face. “Ssshh, I know, baby, I know,” He pressed a kiss on her forehead. “But if this happens again. If he- if anybody so much as touches you again, you tell me about it right away, understood?”

Nathalie nodded frantically. “Of course… of course,” She cupped his cheeks and brought him down to her to peck his lips. “You know you’re the only man in possession of my heart… don’t you?”

He smiled at her. “Of course, I do,” He pecked her lips. “You’ve proven it way too many times, sweetheart,” Her heart fluttered at the sound of it, and she cupped his rough cheek, guiding him back down to her to kiss her again and he did, but he did not prolong it. He made his way back to her chest, kissing the scars. “It’s written right here…” He grunted in her skin and her lips parted in silent gasps as he resumed their movement, and she wrapped her legs around his waist again. “…the name of the man who owns you,” he ran his tongue over the imperfect, torn flesh. “I’m not only in possession of your heart, my pretty girl,” his fingers caught her hair. “Your body, your life, your decisions, your soul… they’re all mine,”

“Yes…”

It came out breathless and lustful, and her hands reached for his belt, unbuckling it with fast moves. She couldn’t wait anymore. She needed him inside of her. Pressed onto her. She needed him and, yes, he owned her. Her body, her soul, her life – it was all in his hands. Her decisions – everything she ever chose to do was because she knew that’s what he would approve her to do. She was his and it was everything she ever wanted.

Everything she ever did was for him to want her like this. Had she wasted her entire life over this? Yes. But she would stand by him through anything. Even what happened two days ago, she had taken it, and here he was now, kissing her, holding her, worshipping her body. That was love. His love. His love came with pain and suffering, and if she wasn’t so stubborn and self-destructive and borderline masochistic, she wouldn’t be here, beneath him, having this man – this perfect man, kissing and deeming perfect her body that she so much hated.

If he deemed her perfect, then she was, and that was all that mattered to her. So long as she had his affection, his approval, she was happy. He was so precious to her. If she lost these – if she lost him – she had no idea what she’d do. She couldn’t lose what she had with Erwin right now. Even if she had killed Miche – his best friend – Erwin had still not believed her, and maybe she should never again mention it.

She should let him forget it because if he found out that it was true, he’d push her away, he’d hate her, he’d never want her like this again. Maybe she had to lie about this. Maybe she had to keep it a secret. She had to ignore that she had committed murder. She had to pretend like it hadn’t happened and let Erwin forget it. It would be the worst thing she has done yet.

God, what was she thinking?

She was right here, having exactly what she wanted while knowing very well what she had done. While fully knowing the fact that she had committed murder – the best friend of the man that she loved. How could she let Erwin find out about this? How could she make him stop loving her and start hating her? How could she ruin everything she had worked so hard for?

She had earned lifelong scars for him. His name was practically carved up on her skin, for him. For him. Everything for him. Everything – absolutely everything for him – her conscience even.

Maybe she would risk loathing herself just to keep him in her life. Maybe she would keep living her life pretending Miche’s blood wasn’t staining her hands. She would keep hiding the blood upon layers and layers of smiles and kisses and fake promises of a future that was never even going to become a reality.

Was she really going to build this precious relationship on a façade of lies and deception? Could she really deceive the man she claimed so many times that she loved? Was that even true? Did she even love him when she was doing something so horrible to him? Something he’d never expect her to do.

Of course, I love him.

She took his cock and guided it to press against her wet opening. Her pretty legs parted for him, wrapped around him, to keep him from going anywhere. He wasn’t going anywhere. She kept him trapped there.

He groaned upon contact to her wetness as she pushed her panties aside, and he stopped marking her neck, pressing his forehead against her own to look at her and talk to her.

“Touch yourself first, Nat,” He would’ve done it himself if he had his arm.

She shook her head. “No, I’m ready, fuck me, please…” She purred against his lips as she stroked his cock in slow and tight strokes. It was maddening the way she nibbled on his lip and brushed her thumb on the leaky tip of his fat cock which she pressed against her hole. “…please… use me,”

“Fuck,” He would’ve yanked her arm away from his length because she was driving him insane and if he didn’t make a move now, he would embarrassingly come all over her fist.

He thrust inside of her with a single, rough movement and her lips parted in a silent scream that didn’t make it past her throat. Her body tensed and the tip boldly knocked against her cervix. She threw her head back and shut her eyes and her face twisted in pain momentarily, but that was alright, because that was all she deserved.

Of course, I love him. I take pain for him.

But it looked so beautiful on her. He fucked her at a rough pace even though she knew she was unprepared, but she had asked him to. And he couldn’t deny it, his name looked so beautiful carved all over her skin. He couldn’t stop tracing the letters with his lips, his tongue while he fucked her body in the mattress. She so desperately tried to keep her voice down and she was so beautiful like that with pretty little tears running down her cheeks.

And maybe, they were both sick and twisted, because his roughness brought her to the edge and her tears brought him to his own. He came inside of her, and he grunted in her neck and she whimpered at the feeling of being full of his warm cum. He pulled out of her and lied beside her. He wrapped an arm around her and dragged her closer to him he looked down at her and he kissed her salty cheeks.

“My pretty little girl,” He kissed her sweet lips. “My masochistic little princess. You like daddy using you, don’t you?”

“I love it, daddy, I love it so much,” She buried her face in his neck, kissing his skin. “I love you so much,”

“Aw, I know you do, baby,” He petted her hair with his fingers. “Hook that pretty leg over daddy’s waist, won’t you?”

She nodded and did as asked, wrapping her leg around his waist while he guided his cock back to her hole and she whimpered in his neck as he reached all the way in.

“Now, you’re gonna keep daddy warm all night, got that?” He said and she nodded right away. He pressed a kiss on her forehead. “Good girl… my good girl,” He pressed kisses down her cheek, her neck, her lips, her chin. “Mine, all mine,”

She threw her head back to give him more space in her neck. “Yours…” she gasped when he began moving again, in and out of her and her lips parted to let out her sweet sounds. He hooked his arm beneath the knee of her leg that was thrown around him.

He planted a rough bite on her neck, and she gasped. “Mine,”

Levi should think twice about touching her. Levi should keep his hands to his own woman. Nathalie was Erwin’s. Nathalie was all his, she had always been. He had always wanted her like this, and she had always wanted him. They weren’t about to let outsiders ruin what they had.

No, Erwin was going to make sure everybody knew she was his. No one would dare touch her again. He had no idea where this possessiveness had come from. He had never been possessive over a woman before. He knew possessiveness found its roots within insecurity. But he was the one to never care, to never feel insecure about a relationship, because women were always desperate for him, and he was never the one to feel the same. He was never the one to care.

But he cared for her. He felt a kind of desperation that he hadn’t felt with anybody else. He had been with so many women, but never desperate for anyone as much as he was for her. His sweet little Nathalie. He was desperate to keep her and keep reminding her and everyone else and himself that she was his.

Thankfully, that name carved on her chest would be reminding her wherever she’d, whatever she’d be doing, that she had a man out there who laid claim over her body, her soul, her thoughts. He wanted to be the only thing on her mind. He wanted his name to be the only word she’s ever known.

He pulled her gown down violently to reveal her breasts. He almost tore it in his rough grasp. Her pretty breasts bounced against his chest with every rough movement of his hips clashing against her own. His cock, hitting deep in her poor cunt, abusing her sensitive spot in that perfect angle, and keeping back her sounds was impossible.

He sucked on her breasts, biting and licking, swelling up the peaked buds and her sounds were the sweetest he had heard. His pretty girl liked him rough. His pretty girl loved pain when it came from him. She was perfect for him, wasn’t she? He bit down on her chest.

“My perfect little girl…”

His arm let go of her leg and found her rear, grasping the tender skin of a buttcheek between his rough fingers to keep her slamming to him. He smacked her buttcheek, hard enough to make it swell and she cried out. Her sweet little cunt clenched around him so much he grunted in her neck. She felt so good. The sting felt so good, it travelled straight to her cunt that was gushing around his cock with every rough thrust. He delivered another blow, and another, till his hand was imprinted on her skin and she felt numb.

“Who do you belong to, princess? Tell daddy, and he might let you cum,” He pulled from her chest to look at her. Pretty warm tears ran down her cheeks as she sobbed. His cock was abusing her cervix and her ass was burning from his blows. She was so very beautiful like this. Fucked out and dumb.

“Y- You! Y- You… d- daddy, ‘m yours! Love you s’ much… s’ fucking much…”

He kissed her perfect lips and tightened his hold around her leg to fuck her harder and harder. The obscene smacking sounds of his cock thrusting in a pool of her wetness were even louder than her shouts.

“That’s my good girl…” he practically shoved her hand between her legs. “…touch yourself and cum… cum for daddy, cum…”

She second, she touched her clit, she almost blacked out. Her orgasm was shuddering. She couldn’t remember the last time she had come that hard. Her sweet juices coated his cock and the sound of their fucking got louder and louder with every passing second. She was clamping down on him so hard and after she was coming down from her orgasm, he was still fucking her, chasing his own.

She squealed and pressed her arm on his chest and didn’t know whether she wanted him to stop from overstimulating her or let him fuck her till she passed out. Her one arm was trapped between their bodies, fingers pressing down on her clit involuntarily.

“No! D- Daddy, please! Too much… s’ too much daddy, I-”

He pulled out of her, to watch her shake and tremble, her body going limp. “I’m not done with you, little girl,”

His cock was throbbing, but he was a patient man. He twisted her body face down on the mattress and he knelt behind her. He pushed a pillow beneath her belly to keep her ass up and a hot globe of spit landed on her swollen, pink hole that he smeared all over with a finger flicking her clit.

She whined. “Don’t tease!”

He chuckled and he leaned down pressing a kiss on her back. He pushed back in her wet warmth, and she hugged him snuggly in her tight folds. She gasped and his chest pressed against her back. He wrapped an arm around her chest and his lips found the back of her neck, her shoulder, her cheek. He started thrusting with slow, powerful thrusts that knocked her forward.

He caged her in with his arm, keeping her in place as he picked up the pace and she buried her face in the pillow to muffle her sounds while he fucked her rough. It felt so good. His cock hit all the right places and his grunts and groans in her ear were delicious. He bit down on her shoulder, letting down another mark on her skin.

Her hand caught his own, lacing their fingers together as he brought her to another orgasm and her fingers tightened around his own. His name slipped from her lips in a soft whisper and her body shook beneath him as he fucked another load of cum into her body.

He pulled out and lied beside her. Both took a moment to catch their breath and she was certain she wouldn’t be able to stand straight the next day. For many days, definitely. But it was alright. She didn’t mind. Nathalie crawled to his side to press her head on his chest and sleep, but she frowned when she realised, he was still wearing his shirt.

“Why are you still wearing a shirt?!” Nathalie whined and she pulled herself up to sit on her bum. She winced. Fuck, closing her legs was going to be a challenge.

“It’s alright, just sleep, baby-”

His hand reached for the buttons to undo them himself with his one hand – she knew he could handle it, but he didn’t have to. She slapped his hand away, cutting him midsentence.

“Shut up. You don’t get to fuck me like that and not let me take off your shirt,” Nathalie frowned, and he laughed. She began unbuttoning his shirt, helping him out of it.

She folded the shirt neatly, stretching a hand out to place it on his nightstand, mounting him in the process and he laughed. She giggled. She couldn’t help it. He wrapped his arm around her, and he kept her trapped on his chest so she couldn’t go back to her side.

“Hey! Let go, you bear of a man!” She tried to untangle his arm from around her, but he was way too strong. He didn’t need two arms to move her around and he had pretty much proven that. “I’m not going for another round, I can barely move as it is and it is all your fault, so start behaving like a grown man and let us sleep or I’m going to-”

He shut her up by kissing her and she melted right in. God, she was adorable. Sweet and adorable and perfect, and so very beautiful right there on top of him. He could never get enough of her. He pulled back from the kiss to find that hazy look in her eyes as she let out a sigh of utter contentment and she buried her face in his neck.

“Fine, I’ll sleep right here,”

He smiled and pressed a kiss on her forehead. “That’s my good girl,”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

“I have reason to believe that I have another organism in here,” Nathalie pressed her fingers to her temple. She looked at both Moblit and Hange. “I need you to perform something they call a lobotomy back in Marley. I need you to open a hole in my skull and find out what’s wrong,”

“Wait, for just a damn minute, dammit!” Hange growled. “First of, I’m not going to open a hole to your skull, and second, how long has this been going on?!”

Chapter 63: Distrust

Notes:

Distrust

This is actually the right format of the title but I'd have to write lotsa CSS code to actually edit an ao3 title AND AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR DAT

TYSM FOR READING AND COMMENTING here take some very good fluffiness and uwuness, our babies deserve it 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

jk destruction is coming not-so-soon MUAHHAHAHAHAHA

also UNEDITED!!!

"The Therapist" by Foreign Air - (Spotify Link)

On the leather couch exorcising demons
No keeping secrets
Pour a cup of coffee, a few more cigarettes
God only knows the roads I've been down
Educate me now, break me down
To the bits and pieces

I need somebody to bring me
Back to life

What's wrong with you?
Tell me all your problems, let it out
What's wrong with you?
Tell me all your secrets, get it out

I don't know why these monsters
Are trapped in my head
I keep trying to put them to bed

I've got my hands inside my pockets
But I've felt no change in years
I've got these broken mirrors
but they keep me here
I need a higher calling
to get me out of bed

But God only knows
the roads I've been down
Liberate me now

Yeah, as expected, waking up off the bed in the morning was a challenge indeed. Walking? Impossible. Nathalie got the hang of it though with a bit of Erwin’s help as she scolded him massively, but he kissed her, and she had instantly forgotten what she was so mad about. Nathalie didn’t have many duties to take care of. All she could do was some research, but she was waiting on news from the Garrison about finding the lab that allegedly lied beneath the Palace. She couldn’t wait to get her hands on the tools and everything this lab had to offer.

Erwin told her they hadn’t found Miche’s and his squad’s bodies. But what could that mean? In her nightmares, she watched herself kill them and leave the bodies there. If the bodies weren’t there, then she hadn’t killed them. If she hadn’t killed them, then they were alive. But why hadn’t they made their way back yet? Could Marley have abducted them? Could Marley had taken them and treated their wounds just as they had done with her? But why would Marley do that?

If she hadn’t killed them, then where were they?

So many questions. The only encouraging of it all, was the evidence that they might have still been alive. Maybe she hadn’t killed them after all. Or maybe she had. Maybe she had even hidden the bodies somewhere, but she wouldn’t know. She couldn’t control her mind. Nathalie could not control herself. She remembered killing all those MPs all on her own. That was a kind of power that she had never before possessed. Sure, it was relieving to know that she could protect herself like this, but it was frightening all the same.

When she did these, she wasn’t herself. It was some other part of her that she had allowed to take over because she simply had no choice. But when Miche and the others surrounded her, she had a choice. She had no reason to let it take over her and lose control and hurt them badly to the point of killing them. Nathalie could not control it, it was clear.

She couldn’t keep it a secret either. She had tried so hard. Erwin commented on her mirrors being turned the other way that morning when he woke up. A detail he didn’t notice late in the night when he stepped in her quarters, but in the morning, when the sunlight was rich, it was indeed an odd detail. It greatly explained why her hair was messy all the time – but he adored this about her, so he didn’t mind. Messiness was a novel characteristic of Nathalie’s. She didn’t care about looks and it showed all the time.

Nathalie just told him that she found mirrors creepy. “I’m not using them anyway!” A terrible excuse, wasn’t it? But he seemed to have been convinced, or so she hoped. He just shrugged it off and made his way back to his quarters to change and have a shower and begin the day.

Nathalie got a shower too and put on fresh clothes. A dark blue skirt and a light blue buttoned up shirt that she had tucked beneath her skirt. Nathalie made another of her infamous cakes and she took two fat slices on a tray and to the infirmary where she knew she’d find Hange and certainly Moblit somewhere nearby.

“Section Commander! You need to stop moving that arm! I’ll fake your signature, just tell me what to-”

“Don’t be so fucking annoying, Mobby! I got this- OW!”

“YOU DON’T GOT THIS!”

“YES, I DO, now get out of here and go do something useful!”

“I AM TRYING TO DO MY JOB, BUT YOU’RE MAKING IT VERY DIFFICULT, HANGE!”

“MOBBY! I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL-”

“Ahem,”

Admittedly, watching them fight was so fun, but Nathalie had been standing there for a while.

“Holy shit, she’s alive!” Hange squealed. “And looking better than me,” She groaned and threw her head back on her white pillow. “I only got a stab wound, DAMMIT!”

“That’s what you get for being RECKLESS!”

“SHUT UP, MOBBY-!”

“I brought cake!” Nathalie cut them both from picking their fight where they had left it.

“Oh, thank you, Nathalie,” Moblit picked up one of the two dishes and before Hange had the chance to pick her own, he took that too and she whined.

“HEY! That’s mine!”

“Keep your hand unmoving! I’ll feed you,” Moblit scolded her, and she lifted a finger.

“Don’t you fucking dare!”

“I- I’ll do it!” Nathalie took the dish from Moblit’s hands, and she sat beside Hange on the edge of her bed and Hange sighed.

“Fine!”

Nathalie peeked at the bloody bandage that lied beneath Hange’s shirt. She must have had a nasty wound on her shoulder, but Moblit was right, she had to stop moving her hand around so much. Nathalie brought the cake to her mouth.

Hange took a bite and she hummed. “Best fucking thing I’ve had in days,”

Nathalie chuckled. “Glad to know that,” she brought the cake closer so she could take another bite. “How’s your wound?”

“I’ll be off this fucking bed by this time tomorrow and I don’t care what Mobby says,”

“HANGE! You need two more days AT LEAST!”

“YOU CAN’T TELL YOUR SUPERIOR WHAT TO DO!”

“Listen to Moblit, he’s right,” Nathalie said.

“You don’t get to talk, missy!” Hange cried out. “You had fifteen bullet wounds scattered all over you, yet here you are. Care to explain?”

Nathalie parted her lips to speak but she really had no explanation. Could it be her condition? Schizophrenia wasn’t ever associated with wound healing, nor dissociative identity disorder – only in very extremely rare cases. No, maybe her condition was a whole new other thing.

“You took that well, Nathalie. But you’re a stubborn host. Don’t tell me you’ve given in,”

Host. It called her a host. It was a parasite.

Nathalie’s eyes widened and she grasped Hange’s shirt, tugging her close. “I need you to open a hole to my skull,”

Hange’s eyes widened. “What the fuck?! No! Why the fuck would you want me to do that?!”

“How’s that related to your fast-healing wounds?” Moblit asked.

Nathalie sighed. She couldn’t keep it a secret anymore. “Do you remember psychiatry back in university?”

“I remember it was optional, and I hadn’t chosen it,” Hange arched an eyebrow.

Moblit shrugged. “Me neither,”

“Well I did, and…” fuck, how was she supposed to explain that. How can anybody explain that they were losing their mind? “…I’m- I’ve been hearing voices, and seeing things that aren’t real and at first, I thought it was schizophrenia but I’m thinking it’s a whole other thing-”

“Whoah!” Hange cut her. “Voices? The ones of your ancestors?”

Nathalie shook her head. “No, it’s a different voice. When researching and reaching to the knowledge of my ancestors, I am damaging my brain,”

“So you thought that damage led to schizophrenia?” Moblit pointed out.

“Yes, and that would mean that I have done considerable damage, but if that were true, then I would’ve been incapable of forming a coherent sentence and doing simple things,” Nathalie said. “I have reason to believe that I have something in here,” She pressed her fingers to her temple. “I need you to perform something they call a lobotomy back in Marley. I need you to open a hole in my skull and find out what’s wrong,”

“Wait, for just a damn minute, dammit!” Hange growled. “First of, I’m not going to open a hole to your skull, and second, how long has this been going on?!”

Nathalie bit her lip. “It… it started before the 57^th Expedition,”

“Fuck!” Hange snapped.

“Does the Commander even know about this?!” Moblit cried out.

“No!” Nathalie’s eyes widened. “No, he mustn’t find out, please, he mustn’t,”

“Nat, he loves you,” Hange tried to reason. “He must know,”

“That’s exactly why I can’t tell him,” Nathalie looked away from them both. “He…” She tried to focus on not breaking down pathetically. “…he asked me to marry him…” Hange gasped, and Nathalie finally looked up at both of them. “…I can’t be his wife if I’m insane. I can’t be anything if I’m insane. I- I’m going to lose him if he finds out, I’m going to lose everything if I don’t fix this, I need to fix this, I need to fix me-”

Hange cupped the back of her head, guiding Nathalie down for a hug, to bury her face in her uninjured shoulder. Nathalie let out a soft sob and she wiped her tears right away before they had the chance to slip down her cheeks.

“Come here,” Hange stroked her hair and she looked at Moblit who was staring at them both with a troubled look.

He brought a hand to his chin thoughtfully and rested his eyes elsewhere. There must have been something they could do. If her condition was nothing psychiatric, then there must have been some other way.

“Look, I got intel that they found a lab beneath the Palace,” Hange said, and Nathalie’s eyes widened and she pulled back to look at her surprised. “It was as you said. Us three will go there and we’ll search for something in there that might help you. There’s also a full library beside the lab in the catacombs. We’ll find something to figure this out, I know we will,” Hange said reassuringly, and Nathalie nodded.

She really wanted to believe her. She really wanted to believe that they’d find a way. But what if they didn’t? What if there was no fixing this? What if she had indeed killed Miche, and Nanaba? Who was going to be next?

No, we’ll fix this… we’ll fix this.

She wasn’t alone anymore. Hange and Moblit knew, they were there for her. But what if she killed them too without realising?

Nathalie had to get out of here. She had to leave. They weren’t safe while she was with them. They weren’t safe while she was there. Erwin wasn’t safe while she slept beside him in the nights. No one was safe. Nathalie had to leave.

And maybe she was having another breakdown, but they shouldn’t find out. Nathalie smiled at them both in contrast to her overly pessimistic thoughts. “We might be able to continue our research too,” She said, and maybe that was the only thing that she was going to have the chance to do.

She had to make that vaccine – the one that would destroy an Eldian’s chances from ever becoming a titan – she had to make the serum that would heal their soldiers instantly during battle, because they had already sustained so many losses and the world was big. The world was full of enemies and Paradis needed soldiers.

“I’ll fix this… I promise…”

And if her calculations were correct, she could even bring back Erwin’s arm. Not that she loved him less without it, but he’d feel better about himself if he had it. Yes, that was all that she had to work on for now. Fixing herself wasn’t a priority. The happiness that she chased so much after – it wasn’t a priority. Her priority was to save her people – to fulfil Erwin’s orders, to finish her research as a scientist and to turn Connie’s mom back into a human because she had promised she’d figure out a way and Nathalie was never one to hold back on a promise.

She had so many things to fix, but herself wasn’t the priority.

“Hell yeah! We’re gonna figure this shit out,” Hange grinned.

“Right, but for now, you need rest,” Moblit reminded her, and Hange groaned in irritation.

“Why must you always ruin it?!”

Nathalie chuckled and she gathered the two empty dishes on the tray and she stood up to leave and take them back to the kitchen. “No worries, I will make that all-wound-healing serum the second I get my hands on that lab,”

“You better!” Hange said.

“And you better show us how you do it,” Moblit added.

“Of course,” Nathalie smiled at them both but when she walked out of the infirmary, her smile faded when she looked at the figure that always followed her.

It was right there, staring at her, standing by the wall. Nathalie ignored it, or at least tried to, and she made her way to the kitchen, pretending it wasn’t there and it wasn’t following her. It did though. And the kitchen was empty at this hour and that was a problem. She couldn’t be in a room alone with it because she could feel it.

“Ignoring me?”

Nathalie washed the dishes and grabbed a towel to dry them and put them back in their spot in the shelves.

“You can’t ignore me forever,”

That was true. Even if she did manage to keep it from Erwin forever, it didn’t mean it wasn’t there. But maybe she could use this interaction. She could get information out of it, whatever it was.

“You called me a host,” Nathalie turned and looked at it. Why was it taking a form of herself? A distorted form of a woman that looked like her, but her eyes were red instead and her hair were black and long, worn in a way she never had. Why like this? “You’re a parasite. You’re in my head and I’m going to tear you out,”

It shrugged. “Not if you end up braindead in the process,”

“I will find a way!” Nathalie cried out but in a blink of an eye it was in front of her and its hand was tightly wrapped around her throat, cutting her air.

“No, you won’t, because I control what you think. I control whether you figure this out or not! I control you, Nathalie,” It hissed, leaning intimidatingly close.

I control what you think. No, that wasn’t true, was it? It sure controlled her fully sometimes, but other times, like now, she had full control of her thoughts and her body. What was so different now? The previous times it took over she was either physically or emotionally compromised. Either beaten up and bleeding, or emotionally unstable. But now she was neither of those.

“If that were true, then I would’ve been able to feel you choking me, but I don’t,” That’s right, there was no grip around her throat even though it looked like it was.

But in the first time this had happened, she was hurt by Erwin emotionally and by the fact that Levi and Petra were together. It was that night that Levi had tucked her to bed. She had been a mess that night and it was so easy for it to take over. And when she hurt Miche and the others, she had been so very furious. And when she killed those MP officers, she was wounded and bleeding.

But now she wasn’t. Maybe she did have some control after all. It pulled away from her. There was no point.

“But you heal my wounds because if I die, you die… and you make me stronger when my life is threatened, but the question is… are you really a parasite, or are you a symbiont?” Nathalie asked it but it did not respond. “Please, let us work together. You don’t have to terrorise me, and I will provide you with an environment to inhabit,”

It didn’t say anything. In a blink of an eye, it was gone, and she was left alone.

Nathalie looked all around the kitchen, searching for it, but it wasn’t there. Promising. That interaction was very promising. She needed her notebook. Nathalie found it in the pocket of her apron that was still tied around her waist, and a pencil that she always kept around. She sat on the kitchen table and began making notes.

Today’s interaction was promising. The organism inside my mind resembles a symbiont. But if it truly is a symbiont, if I take it out, it’s going to die without me and I’m going to die without it.

That was troubling. But if she could control it…

If I can control it, then it won’t be a problem. It seems to be taking full control when I’m either emotionally or physically compromised. It is a fact that all the members of my family suffer from this, which means they all have a symbiont inside their heads.

The question is: who put it there?

Who put it there? No foetus is born with an extra organism growing inside of them. Whatever organism that grows inside one’s body – the microbiome – it is picked up during birth alone. If her mother was infected with it, then she picked it up from her.

Somebody had infected the Burgesses with it. Somebody had made this. But why would anybody make this?

Somebody infected the entire Burgess family, purposely and I wasn’t there when it happened but if my parents were infected, it turns out that I am as well. Which means that every child born from a Burgess would be infected as well via the mother’s vaginal microbiome during birth.

Which means, that the only way for a Burgess child to be born without being infected, would be a C-section type of delivery.

“Nathalie,”

A familiar voice came from behind and she felt someone pressing a handkerchief on her nose and she looked up to see Erwin. Her eyes widened and she immediately snapped her notebook closed. She took the handkerchief, supporting it on her nose that had started dripping with blood yet again. She hadn’t done this in a while. She had almost forgotten the consequences of research and its toll on her health.

“Are you-” Erwin tried to say but she cut him.

“I’m alright,” Nathalie wiped the blood off her nostrils, and she smiled at him.

She stood up and tucked her pencil and her notebook back in a pocket of her apron. He was dressed in his green Survey Corps coat, his white shirt beneath and his emerald bolo tie that she had tied for him around his neck the very same morning.

He probably had just returned from another meeting in the Interior with the other two Commanders and the Premier.

She looked down at his white handkerchief ruined in her blood and she sighed. “I’ll wash that up for you,”

“What were you thinking about?” He watched her head for the sink, splashing some cold water on the white fabric to at least wipe the blood away.

She almost panicked for a minute. He mustn’t know. He mustn’t. “I was just… adding to my research,”

She looked at him over her shoulder and she gave him a sweet smile and no matter how misleading it was, she was lying to him, and he could tell. But she was beautiful right there, scrubbing the blood off his handkerchief and squeezing it hard enough till all the water had dripped from the fabric. That apron around her waist suited her. There was a cake resting on the counter. She had kept herself busy, he could tell.

Erwin approached her from behind and he wrapped his arm around her waist. His chest met her back and he leaned down to press a kiss on that exposed spot on her shoulder that connected with her neck from the back.

His breath was warm, brushing on her earlobe and she closed her eyes and revelled in the warmth of his embrace. Her head rolled back to his chest and her pretty lips parted slightly. She was so beautiful, he couldn’t even be mad at her for lying to him.

“You’re lying to me, my sweet girl,” He spoke against her ear and the calmness in his voice almost frightened her. Her eyes snapped back open, and she turned to face him. He trapped her chin between his fingers and her big, pretty eyes met his own. “Now, tell me, what were you really thinking about?”

She sighed. “My… my wounds healed too fast. I was just trying to figure out why, t- that’s all,” she cursed herself for stuttering.

He nodded and she felt relief washing over her because half the truth seemed to work. “Nathalie,” He cupped her cheek. “Can you not trust me?” Erwin asked and he couldn’t believe she had even made him think otherwise. Did she not trust him? After all this time? After everything they had been through?

“O- Of course, I trust you,”

“Then why do you keep things from me?”

She bit her lip. There was no denying that she could not answer that. Everything she ever did was for him to love her and hold her like he was doing right now. She knew it was wrong to keep things from him. She knew it was wrong to keep building this relationship upon lies and deception. She knew she was terrible.

But she wasn’t going to lose what they had. Maybe she would lose it eventually. She barely knew how she was holding it together, knowing that she had killed Miche and his squad and making it another amongst the hundreds of things that she was keeping from him. So many truths she kept from him. Her sweet man. The man she loved.

Did she? After lying so much to him? Did she even love him?

Was it even safe for him to be in the same room with her? Could it take over any moment and kill him? And she’d wake up in a pool of blood – the blood of the man she loved, and it would be another murder that she’d have committed, and she wouldn’t even know about it.

No, she couldn’t break down again. Maybe she would save that breakdown for later when she’d go back to her quarters and start scratching that same word over and over on the wooden floor of her bathroom. Help. Good thing Erwin didn’t enter her bathroom this morning, he went straight for his quarters when he woke up. He would have definitely noticed something was off.

“I- It’s just… what we have…” Her hand reached for his own that was cupping her cheek and she supported in there, lacing her fingers within his own “…this… us… it’s precious to me, I don’t want anything to ruin it,”

He smiled at her. His sweet girl. Her fingers were cold but tender and so small compared to his own. He ran his rough thumb across her cheek. “Trust me then,” The more they trusted each other, the lesser chances they had of letting something ruin this troublesome precious relationship.

She nodded at him. She buried her face in his neck and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, bringing him in for a hug. “I’m sorry,” She said apologetically.

He wrapped his arm around her, and he buried his face in her hair. He pressed a kiss on her forehead. “It’s alright, my sweet little girl,” He kissed her cheek, her temple, her nose until he met her sweet lips. He kissed her slow and sensual and his tongue met her sweet taste and she sighed melting right in. He cupped her face and pressed his thumb on her chin to force her pretty lips wide open for his tongue to go back in.

He was driving her insane with just a single kiss. He pulled back to look at her, at those hazy bright blue eyes that he adored after every kiss he’d give her. She licked whatever remained of his taste from her lips and she giggled.

“So,” Her hands rested on his chest. “What would you like for lunch?”

Erwin looked at the surprisingly still empty kitchen. “Where’s the staff?”

“Oh, I dismissed them,”

His eyes widened. “Why would you do that?!”

“I have nothing better to do today, I want to cook!”

He chuckled and he watched her pull out a few ingredients from multiple shelves. He frowned though. “No woman of mine belongs in the kitchen,” And that was certainly true, he wanted his woman to be spoiled. Alas, that was impossible for Nathalie, wasn’t it?

She laughed. “Sure, if I was the spoiled daughter of a noble, I think I’d be perfect for you,” She teased.

“Oh, I’ve had my fair share of spoiled daughters,” Erwin couldn’t believe he had just said that, and it was no wonder to find Nathalie glaring at him. He started panicking. He had to fix this somehow. “I- I’m just saying that I’ve had a taste of the best of the best, but I am still settling down for you…”

Oh? So, was he doing her a favour by choosing to settle down with her? She was still glaring at him. He had somehow managed to make it worse. She placed a hand on her chest dramatically.

“I’m deeply honoured,” Nathalie said sarcastically. “Now fetch me a few onions from that basket over there,” she said to the Commander of the Scout Regiment.

No one had ever told him to do anything like that. She held so much power over him, didn’t she? But maybe he deserved it. “R- Right away, sweetheart,” God, he had never felt so incompetent. That was the very second time he had ever stuttered in his life, and she had been involved with both.

She smirked. “Good boy,”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

Erwin pulled back to look at her. “Marry me, Dr Nathalie Burgess,” Her eyes widened. “Marry me before we set out to reclaim Wall Maria,”

Chapter 64: A Promise

Notes:

ya'll this chap is UWU

 

and UNEDITED!!!

tysm for the awesome support pls enjoy!

By the time night had arrived, there wasn’t really any of that stew left. People came in the kitchen for seconds. And even though, Nathalie had cooked for so many people, she barely managed to save two last bowls of soup for her and Erwin to have for dinner. She wasn’t surprised though. Everybody hated the daily porridge that their staff was getting paid to make them for dinner. But there was nothing really that special with her soup. It was just a simple vegetable soup, yet they seemed to really like it.

Nathalie walked upstairs carefully with a tray in her hands. Of course, Erwin hadn’t showed up for dinner like she expected him to, and it was alright. Her sweet man was a workaholic, and it was all the more reason for her to look after him. She took two bowls of soup upstairs and knocked on his door. She entered when he let her in and he was right there, sitting on his desk.

He was writing down on his papers and his blonde hair was messy. His white shirt, wrinkly and she knew she’d have to iron him a new one first thing in the morning. He would have usually picked his sleeve up because it always bothered him getting in the way of his writing. But he didn’t have his second hand to do that, so he had just left it. And he would never ask her to do it for him. She wasn’t supposed to babysit her man. He wasn’t that kind of man at all.

But he didn’t have to ask.

Nathalie left the tray on a blank spot on his desk, and she walked to his side. She unbuttoned that button of his shirt around his wrist, and she rolled up the sleeve for him to the height of his elbow. Erwin stopped writing and he looked at her gentle fingers that delicately gathered the fabric of his sleeve.

“I didn’t ask you to do that,” he said looking up at her and she gave him a smile.

“You don’t have to. I know what’s bothering and what isn’t,” Nathalie cupped his cheek and pressed a kiss on his forehead.

He sighed though because he didn’t want her to babysit him. He didn’t want her to be his caretaker. He wasn’t supposed to need a caretaker. Things were not supposed to be like that. He was the one who was supposed to take care of her. He was the one who was supposed to be in charge. But he couldn’t, because he was missing an arm, and it bothered him so much.

“C’mon, I brought you something to eat,” Nathalie sat on a chair across him bringing her own bowl of soup in front of her to start eating and she waited for him to pick his own but he didn’t. A look of displeasure on his face. “What is it, darling?” She tried to stand up to approach him again. “Do you need me to feed you?”

“No!” He growled and she immediately sat back down on her chair and looked down apologetically. Maybe he had said this too roughly. What was wrong with him? He was never one to lose his calm like that, but she was just making it worse. “I’m sorry,” He sighed.

“N- No, it’s alright but… did I do something wrong?” She asked hesitantly, biting her lip and he shook his head.

No, she had done nothing wrong. She never did anything wrong. She was just too good. Too nice and sweet and always there for him. But he wanted to be there for her too and he couldn’t do that. He was just a crippled, old, scarred, tired man. She did not deserve that.

“Come here, sweetheart,” His hand reached for her, and she stood up off her chair and approached him.

He wrapped his arm around her waist, and he urged her to sit on his lap. His arm found her back, pressing her closer as he buried his face in her neck and she giggled. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and buried her fingers in his hair. A smile spread across her lips, and she brushed a few of his golden hair away from his forehead as he nuzzled in her warm skin. He closed his eyes, tiredness overtook him and he just rested there for a minute.

“You know… if there’s something bothering you… you can always tell me,” Nathalie spoke sweetly in his ear, before pressing a kiss on his temple and he sighed contently. She had almost made him forget all about it as she stroked his hair with her gentle fingers and pressed her cheek on his temple.

I want to spoil you. Erwin Smith’s woman should be spoiled. She should be dressed in the finest of dresses and the finest jewellery. She should be living in some grand mansion in the capital, and she didn’t have to know how to cook, how to clean. She didn’t have to do his laundry or help him dress in the mornings, or iron his clothes, or cook him food, or do anything. She didn’t have to do anything. He was the one who should be doing everything for her because he was the man of the relationship, and it was him the one who should provide for her.

Not the other way around. Definitely not.

She deserved a man who could – at the very least – scoop her up off her feet with absolutely no effort. She deserved a man who could cage her into two, strong arms to make her feel safe. She deserved a man who could fight for her pride, her safety – a man who could take down everyone and everything that would threaten her.

But he wasn’t that man. He pulled back to look at her and he wanted so much to cup her cheek and brush his thumb over those pink, puffy lips, but he couldn’t do that, because his one arm was already around her waist, busy with keeping her from falling off his lap. She deserved the world. She deserved everything. She deserved a man who could provide for her. She shouldn’t even be working. She shouldn’t even be cooking for the entire Survey Corps HQ.

His sweet little Nathalie wasn’t and shouldn’t be anybody’s servant, lest his servant. He was the one who was supposed to serve her, because that’s what the man was supposed to do in a meaningful relationship.

But how could he explain her that? She would definitely put together some clever sentence to change his mind right away.

“It’s nothing,” Erwin gave her a soft smile and now it was his turn to lie to her. But he didn’t want her to worry. Of all the things that she was doing for him, she didn’t have to be his freaking psychologist too. “I’m just tired,”

She cupped his cheeks and she seemed convinced by his lying. “Well,” She pecked his lips. “You better eat your dinner and go to sleep, then,”

There she goes, babysitting him again, even though her words were the wisest course of action right now. She tried to stand up, but his arm tightened around her and kept her in place.

“Kiss me,”

He couldn’t believe he had just said that. He had never said that to any other woman. He had never made such a pitiful request. A kiss was something that he’d snatch from a woman – he wouldn’t ask for it, he’d take it and there was never any resistance because he was used to being wanted. He wasn’t used to wanting someone. But he wanted Nathalie more than anything. He had never yearned for someone as much as he did for her. And he couldn’t cup her face and drag her closer to him, to take her lips in his own before she’d even get a chance to form a coherent thought. He couldn’t take a kiss. He had to ask.

She was pushing him to firsts every time she was around him. She was pushing him out of the things he was used to. And she made every violation of his comfort zone such an oddly blissful experience, because she smiled at him that sweet smile and leaned in to connect their lips so tender and so sweet.

His arm tightened around her, bringing her chest to his own, to feel her heart pumping beneath. He adored her. He craved her. He deepened the kiss, and her fingers were so gentle on his smooth cheeks that she had shaved for him first thing in that very same morning.

She wasn’t his servant, and she shouldn’t be, but he adored her taking care of him because no one had ever done the same ever since he was just a little boy. She reminded him of the times when he was just a careless young boy, playing with the kids of the neighbourhood always with her by his side. Always. And now that he was gambling with the fate of the world, she was still by his side. Always.

She pulled back to breathe, and bright blue eyes met his own as she cupped his cheeks. “So,” She grinned. “Are you going to take me to that lab tomorrow?”

He chuckled. She was already fuming with happiness, he could tell. “Of course,” His arm tightened around her possessively. “You’ll ride with me,”

She giggled. “Have you by any chance given away my horse without asking me?” She teased. He hadn’t let her ride anywhere on her own without him riding with her on his horse.

He shook his head. “I just want you with me… at all times,” He didn’t really have an explanation for that. Maybe it was all about keeping an eye on her and keeping himself certain that she was okay and unthreatened by anything.

But she didn’t mind it one bit, because the time she spent with this man was amongst the most precious hours of her days. “Who am I to deny anything from my man,” She giggled and pressed her cheek down on his shoulder, resting her head there and the cold tip of her nose was buried in his warm neck.

He pressed a kiss on her forehead. “Good girl,” She smiled and pecked his lips in return. “Will you stay with me tonight?”

Was it safe for her to stay with him? What if she hurt him? Last night, she was too exhausted to do anything dangerous to him, but she could not trust herself. And she couldn’t tell him about it either. No, her condition hadn’t bothered her today after her interaction with it. So long as she was happy, she was okay. So long as Erwin kept her happy, maybe she could trust herself not to hurt the man she loved.

She gave him a smile and lifted her head off his shoulder to look at him. “If you want me to,”

“I always want you to,”

Her cheeks grew a bright red and she giggled. “Then I’ll always make sure to sleep by your side,” She pressed kisses on his chin, his cheekbones, his cheeks, his nose. “The man I love,”

He smiled and caught her lips in his own again. He could never have enough of her. The man I love. Yes, Dr Nathalie Burgess loved him, and the world would be chanting her name for centuries for saving the world, but she loved him. She loved him, she was his. His pretty little girl. His precious woman.

Erwin pulled back to look at her. “Marry me, Dr Nathalie Burgess,” Her eyes widened. “Marry me before we set out to reclaim Wall Maria,” His arm tightened around her. “Let’s marry while we still can, because we don’t know what’s going to happen,”

Nathalie was left dumbfounded. And maybe he had surprised himself too because he had never imagined himself saying that to anyone. But he did say it to her. She was the only woman he would ever ask this from. She had promised herself to not cry when the moment would come, but she just couldn’t help it. Warm, salty tears filled her eyes anyway and they spilled down her cheeks, but she laughed. She was happy. So very happy.

But could she really marry him? So fast… so soon. Knowing that she was still going insane? Knowing that she had possibly killed his best friend? Knowing that she was dangerous and that she could hurt him any moment? She couldn’t yet be his wife. She couldn’t yet be the mother of his children. She couldn’t yet withhold a household. Not when she was going insane. Not when she was dangerous. Not when she knew she was a murderer. Not when they were both lying to each other about various things. What kind of marriage would that be? They had so many things to fix before marriage. Why was he rushing?

Did he really think they wouldn’t survive the reclamation of Wall Maria? An operation to take place two months from now. Or did he really want to marry her because he just wanted her? Maybe he just wanted it so much. Maybe he loved her. Maybe he loved her immensely, as much as she loved him. He hadn’t yet said it, and he was probably never going to say it, and she didn’t care. She would love him till the end of time. Or maybe he just wanted her to be his. To make a testament to the world that she was his.

“Let’s marry while we still can,” maybe he truly did not believe that they were going to survive this because he was rushing this.

But was it really rushed? She had been wanting this for her entire life. They had known each other for so long. She had loved him for so, so very long. But she couldn’t. She couldn’t for so many reasons. She had to fix herself. If he married an insane woman, he would never be happy.

She never thought she would ever say no to this.

Nathalie wiped away the very first few tears of happiness and she cupped his cheeks. “Are you certain that… we won’t make it back?”

“I’m not certain of anything,” Erwin admitted. “That’s what scares me the most,” He pulled his hand from her waist to cup her cheek. “My girl deserves the grandest wedding. The prettiest dress,” He ran the back of his fingers on her warmed up, blushing cheek.

How beautiful she would be, walking to him dressed in white. Her hair tucked to perfection. An expensive dress that would’ve been made just for her. In the grand cathedral of the Interior. Erwin Smith’s wedding should be grand. He’d spare no expenses. It should be an event that everybody behind the walls would talk about and remember for a lifetime. And the celebration should last for days. He would pass a golden ring on her finger that would match his own. Miche would be standing beside him as his best man.

But Miche wasn’t there, and they had no idea where he was. They had no idea where his squad was. The search was fruitless so far. And the world was still a mess. There were still wars to fight and a world to save and gambles to play.

They couldn’t yet have the wedding she so much deserved. But they didn’t have time either.

“If we make it out of this alive, I’ll give you the grandest wedding, but let’s not wait,”

Erwin couldn’t believe what he was saying. He couldn’t believe he wanted this. He wanted this so much, but it was so wrong because he could marry her and widow her in just one day. It was wrong, and painful and he wasn’t thinking it through – for once in his life, he hadn’t calculated the meaning of those words, but he was so tired of thinking everything through.

He had tried to plan out things in their relationship and it only ever ended up in hurting her and hurting himself. Maybe deep down he knew he was stupid to think that he could have the life that he yearned to have with her because there were a million things trying to get in the way, but maybe he would allow himself to be stupid for once. Being smart only ever brought him pain.

“Let’s not wait any more,”

And maybe he was right. It was now or never. Her disease would part them one day anyway. The war would part them. There were just so many things that could take one from the other. But for now, there was nothing. For now, they had time. They had such little time, but they had it. It wasn’t enough, but it was all they had. They should make the most of it.

Nathalie laughed happily and she wiped another tear that ran down her cheek. She nodded. “Okay… I’ll marry you, Erwin Smith,” She sniffled. “I’ll marry you for the little time we have,”

And those words hurt so much to hear, because by marrying her, he was sealing nothing. He was still not giving her any reassurance of the future. He was still giving her nothing but a little promise that he could not keep. A promise to love her till death do us part, which was most likely to happen. Marrying her now was only a temporary state of bliss. The only taste of happiness they’d have.

But he kissed her again, trying to pretend that this wasn’t just another effort that was still going to lead to nothing.

Erwin pulled back and his hand reached for a drawer on his desk. He pulled out a small, dark blue velvet box that he had kept there for so long, waiting to put on her finger. He had been wanting to do this properly. But he had no time for that. He hadn’t even ever taken her out for dinner or a proper date. But they had no time for luxurious, grand imaginations. He would do things right when the time would come.

If the time would come.

She giggled happily, opening the box for him to pull out the ring and pass it through the fourth finger of her left hand. This was a dream come true for her. Nathalie never really cared for some grand wedding with a thousand people invited and long-term celebrations. She didn’t care about an expensive dress and a pricey ring.

That ring looked perfect on her finger. Golden and a single small diamond on the front. It was perfect. She didn’t care about anything more than what he was giving her.

“I love you so much,” Nathalie kissed him over and over and she buried her face in his neck, hugging him tightly. “My man… my sweet man,”

He smiled and buried his face in her shoulder, closing his eyes tiredly. He loved her. She did not deserve a man who could barely give her a spec of what she deserved, but he loved her.

Immensely.

༻◊۞◊༺

The next morning, they rode to the interior. The Queen’s Coronation hadn’t yet arrived, but the preparations had started. The labs beneath the palace were found and Nathalie, Hange and Moblit couldn’t wait any longer to get their hands on their equipment.

Nathalie shared Erwin’s horse to ride with him as he had requested. His arm remained tight around her waist, and she guided the horse with the reins. She was so very excited. Nathalie was the first to jump off the horse and rush downstairs to the tunnel that led in the catacombs. Hange and Moblit were running too, and Erwin honestly thought they were acting like children.

He chuckled and he followed them at his own pace. The last time Erwin had seen Nathalie so excited was when they were children. He was certain that he could buy her the prettiest dress and the most expensive jewellery, but she still wouldn’t react like that. He could buy her a book with thousands of pages on Titan Biology, and she would be the happiest woman in the world.

Her science made her happy. His little girl was happy with the far simpler things, but the most essential ones. She was so special. She was nothing compared to all other women that were only impressed with excessive displays of wealth and power. Nathalie couldn’t care less about that. Sole knowledge made her happy.

That’s how he knew she was meant for him.

“How did they work down here? It’s so dark,” Moblit asked. All three were holding torches.

“Oh! Let me see,” Nathalie began searching the wall for a lever.

There was a large metallic lever. It should connect with a generator. The generator would power up and produce power. But that power wasn’t indefinite. It was feeding on something, probably gas or oil or something else that they’d have to figure out. Nathalie grabbed the lever and tried to pull it down, but she grunted, pulling and pulling and achieving nothing.

Moblit and Hange came over to shed some light and Erwin approached her, placing his gigantic hand on top of her own, grabbing it with her and pulling it down with much less effort than she had put into it. The sound of an engine working reached their ears and not many seconds later, the whole place lit up with abundant, white light.

Hange gasped and everybody’s eyes widened as they looked up at the lamps that were brighter than any oil lamp they had ever used.

“W- What is that?!” Hange cried out, looking up, pointing at the lights.

“Well, hear that sound?” Nathalie approached a closed door nearby, and she opened in revealing a machine behind that was working. “This is a power generator. It produces electricity. Electricity travels through wires to those lamps with massive speeds and lights them up in a matter of milliseconds,”

“Wait, you’re saying that… with a single press of a button, you can have light?” Moblit asked.

“Yes,” Nathalie nodded. “But the generator uses a power source. Something that can be broken down, like oil, or gas, or gas extracted from the iceburst stone that we use to power up our ODM gear,”

“So, if the power source runs out…” Erwin started and she finished it for him.

“…no more lights. No more electricity that I need to use this equipment,” Nathalie walked towards the counter and she found the machines that rested by the huge counter. “Spectrophotometer, centrifuge, light microscopes, electric microscopes, PCR machines, gel electrophoresis, genome sequencing machines…” She searched through the shelves. There were more. She had everything she needed there. It felt like heaven. Oh, the things she could do. “…they all use electricity,”

Erwin nodded. “Moblit, shut down the generator. We need to preserve it, we don’t know how much power it has left,”

Moblit nodded and turned down the lever again shutting the lights, leaving them with their torches again.

“We need to gather up all the mechanical engineers from the Industrial Cities to come here and figure out how everything works,” Hange offered, and Erwin nodded in approval.

“Go, give the order,” Erwin said.

“C’mon, Moblit,” Hange and Moblit walked out leaving Nathalie and Erwin there. Nathalie was checking out the contents of the shelves. Vials and tools of any sizes were collected there.

“Nathalie,” Erwin finally earned her attention. “There’s also a library,”

Her eyes widened. “BOOKS?! WHERE?! Where?! Where?!! Where?!!! SHOW ME!” She caught his green Survey Corps cloak and began dragging him around and he laughed. God, she was adorable.

“Well, I was told, this way,” Erwin lighted the way to a certain wooden door and he opened it. Nathalie bumped onto him, rushing in, shedding light to the large bookcase where so many fat books rested with all kinds of coloured leather wrappings.

She squealed. “Holy mother of Maria, Rose and Sheena, THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE!” She handed him her torch. “Here, hold this,” And she returned to the books, beginning to pick the largest, heaviest ones. “I’M GOING TO READ THESE IN A DAY!”

Erwin grinned watching her carry some really fat and heavy books with tears of happiness flowing down her cheeks. “Would you consider this a wedding present?”

She sniffled. He could have sworn, he had never seen her so happy. It made his heart swell. “A library and… a modern lab in the midst of a country stuck in the dark ages? It is… the best present anybody has ever made in the history of wedding presents!!”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap

“H- Have a nice day, Dr,” Petra tried to walk out of the office, almost rushed, but Nathalie stopped her.

“Petra,” It was so stupid to just ignore this and wait until the next time Petra did something petty. Nathalie had to clear a few things out for her.

Chapter 65: The Lab Beneath the Palace

Notes:

I JUST WANNA THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for those amazing comments and the amazing support 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

there's not much erwin in this chap but there's A LOT of erwinat stuff in the next chap eheheheheeh

pls enjoy!

Also, I've been tryna draw Nat and here's the rough drawing uwu

She's sitting on Erwin's couch, reading a book from the newfound library, taking notes with her left hand (yes, she's both left and right-handed). It's not yet coloured, but it will be soon!

༻◊۞◊༺

Nathalie brought those books to her office back in her quarters and she started reading them right away. Erwin didn’t see her for the rest of the day. Neither the night. Neither the next day. At all. He was starting to get worried. She had only walked out to get food, and then she disappeared again. He knew she was alright. She was just reading those huge books, maniacally. He knew he didn’t have to worry.

But he’d be a liar if he said he hadn’t missed her.

The engineers had been trying their best, but it looked like it would take a while. The generator was using a different power source that they had never before seen, and Erwin didn’t expect anything less. Whoever worked in that lab were now long gone, but they certainly did not want anybody on the island to find out how the lights worked, or how to use the equipment in it, or to figure out how to manifest electricity. Their enemy had left them in the dark, and Erwin expected as much.

They were going to try and figure out how the generator worked. Maybe they could create a similar machine that would work on iceburst stone gas. But that was a process that needed time. Years even. And they didn’t have time. Erwin knew what Nathalie was planning to do. She was planning to mass-produce a serum with instant healing effects. It was something she had been working on for such a long time and it would be the key to minimising the Scouts’ losses.

But the generator had only twelve hours of power left to generate. Could she really do months of work in just twelve hours? Erwin knew she was a Burgess, and he knew she was capable of achieving the impossible, but twelve hours weren’t enough. She could try for a single syringe, and that wouldn’t even be promising because she’d have to test it and record side-effects and symptoms and trials and a million other things. Creating such medicine wasn’t easy.

Not to mention that she needed to create that vaccine. The vaccine that would rid all Eldians from the genes that they inherited from Ymir the Founder. A vaccine that would make it impossible for an Eldian to turn into a titan. The world would then accept them, and this war would bloodlessly be over.

But they couldn’t make the lab useful before the mission to reclaim Wall Maria. They needed time and the reclamation of Wall Maria couldn’t wait any more.

Erwin knew she was going to hate it, but he had to let her know.

It was night when he abandoned his paperwork and headed for her quarters. She had passed out on an open book. Her lamp was about to light off and her hair was a mess falling all over her face. She was smashing her poor glasses between her head and the book. He smiled and he cupped her tender cheek. She hummed upon contact as he stroked her cheek and took off her glasses for her to make sure she wouldn’t break them.

“Nathalie,”

She hummed.

“You need to go to bed,”

She hummed again.

He frowned. “I could try and carry you, but it won’t be pleasant,”

Guess what? She hummed again. He still couldn’t tell whether that was a yes or a no. She acknowledged his presence, but she was just in a lighter version of sleep. He leaned closer to bring her stomach to his shoulder, and he wrapped an arm around her waist, picking her up, propped on his shoulder, head hanging to his back. She finally snapped out of her sleep, and she let out a yelp from being hang upside down.

“ARGH! LEMME, DOWN, I’M TRYNA SLEEP HERE!” Nathalie smacked his back and he just chuckled, taking her out of her quarters and back to his quarters. He only let her down when he reached his bed. Her landing on the bed was a lot more unceremonious than he was planning, but yet again, he couldn’t do much with just one arm. She bounced on his bed. “OW!”

“I told you it won’t be pleasant,” Erwin smirked, slightly amused by that cute little frown on her lips and that look of displeasure in her pretty eyes. He had taken off her glasses. She couldn’t see a thing. She kicked off her shoes and climbed to her side on his bed, slipping beneath his sheets.

“Whatever…” Nathalie buried her face in his sheets, taking in his scent and she sighed closing her eyes. “ ‘m going to sleep,” She mumbled all sleepy and adorable. She grabbed his pillow and brought it to her face, nuzzling in it. He chuckled and cupped her cheek. He brushed her hair away from her face and he pressed a kiss on her forehead.

“Goodnight, baby,” He spoke softly against her ear, and she shifted slightly, tightening her arms around his pillow.

“G’night, ‘win… I woov you,” she mumbled back, her full words being muffled by his pillow, and he chuckled. What was he supposed to do if not lie beside her and hold her all night? His precious little girl. His sweet little woman. About to be his wife. His pretty little wife.

He pecked her pretty lips that were slightly parted, and he forced himself to go back to his office. Maybe he’d give her the briefing about the lab tomorrow. For now, she was so very precious sleeping on his bed, hugging his pillow.

༻◊۞◊༺

Nathalie woke up the other day with a groan. An all too familiar pain shot through her lower belly, and she knew the next five days were going to be hell. She opened her eyes, blinking a few times to adjust to the light coming from the window. She was on Erwin’s bed. His side was empty, but there was a bouquet of wine-red roses and a box of chocolates.

She giggled and her hand reached for the bouquet, bringing the silky red roses to her nose to take in their scent. That was a first. Had he really memorised when she was having her period and when she wasn’t? She wouldn’t be surprised if he had. This man’s ingenuity rivalled her own greatly, but he had so many other things to worry about.

Another sharp blow of pain shot through her abdomen, and she groaned. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck…” She rushed off the bed and back to the bathroom. Thankfully, she hadn’t ruined his sheets. She cleaned herself up and changed into a pair of clothes that she had moved in his quarters.

Nathalie fixed the bed and stuffed her mouth with a few chocolates. They were so rare. Only available to the nobles in the Capital. She had no idea how he’d gotten his hands on them. She settled the flowers in a vase with water and settled it on a wooden furniture that stood nearby a window in his office and abundant sunlight was raining down on them.

He wasn’t in his office. He was probably still attending meetings in the Interior with the other Commanders. After overthrowing the King, there was so much work to be done and Historia’s coronation was approaching. Nathalie sighed. It would be ungrateful of her to not be satisfied with those chocolates and those beautiful flowers, but he hadn’t slept beside her, which explained why she wasn’t awake when he left.

If she was, she would’ve ironed his shirt, and helped him dress up and make him something special for breakfast in the very early morning. He hadn’t let her help him dress up today. He had chosen to spoil her today. He wanted to keep doing it for the rest of their days.

The door opened and Petra walked in with a pack of papers in her hands. Her eyes widened upon seeing Nathalie there. Petra knew the Commander was in the Interior, so, she didn’t expect anyone to be in his office right now. But Nathalie was there, and Petra realised it was stupid of her to think that Nathalie wouldn’t be there. Her attempt to ruin things between her and Erwin had been senseless and Nathalie being there was enough proof.

Still, Petra had been avoiding both all she could ever since.

Nathalie held back the need to frown. Perfect. Just what I needed.

“S- Section Commander! I- I- I was just d- delivering t- these from Captain Levi,”

Petra tensed up right away. Nathalie probably knew of her attempt on ruining what she and Erwin had. No, Nathalie definitely knew. Erwin had told her, but they had worked it out because they loved and trusted each other – something clearly Petra didn’t have with Levi.

Nathalie knew she should pretend like she knew nothing. She should probably pretend like she didn’t care. She didn’t hate Petra – Nathalie was the one who had saved Petra’s life in the first place, because she thought Petra made Levi happy in ways that she never could. Nathalie knew she should let it go, but maybe she just had to talk to them both and resolve it. The Special Operations Squad were returned to Trost in the Survey Corps HQ. Eren was under control and no further experiments were required.

Nathalie should probably visit Eren, Mikasa and Armin too. She had missed her babies.

“Of course,” Nathalie forced a smile at Petra as she watched the younger girl resting the papers on Erwin’s desk. Petra was putting so much effort in avoiding looking at Nathalie in the eye.

“H- Have a nice day, Dr,” Petra tried to walk out of the office, almost rushed, but Nathalie stopped her.

“Petra,”

It was so stupid to just ignore this and wait until the next time Petra did something petty. Nathalie had to clear this out for her.

“If this is of any reassurance to you, I am in no way interested in Captain Levi,” Nathalie approached the girl, and she crossed her arms against her chest. “I loved him once, that is true, because it’s so easy to fall for this man, and I’m pretty sure you and I can both agree on that,”

“I bet it’s still just as easy for you to kiss him,” Petra shot back, and she turned and looked at her. Hate and jealousy.

“Do I have permission to tear out her innards?”

What?! No! Of course, you don’t!

Was she really conversing with whatever the hell she had inside her brain right now?! Focus, Nathalie, focus!

“Well, I guess I’ll repeat myself,” Nathalie sighed tiredly. “I’m not interested in your man. You can do with him as you please. Commander Smith and I are engaged,” Nathalie pulled her left hand up to show her the ring and Petra’s eyes widened. “Perhaps Captain Levi loves me still because what we had was precious. But I couldn’t love him the same. This is why I saved your life that day because I knew you could give him everything I couldn’t,” Nathalie said.

She did not regret lacking the capacity to love Levi. She did not curse her heart for choosing someone else. She was true to herself and her feelings and the people around her. And she had to make it clear to Petra because the girl seemed to hate her and she had her reasons, but they weren’t viable enough.

“Levi is precious. If you truly love him, you better spend the rest of your life trying to make him happy,”

Nathalie knew it sounded wrong. It sounded like she had saved Petra only for that sole purpose – to right the wrongs that she committed. To fill the void Nathalie left in Levi’s life. A void that Levi frankly thought nobody could fill. It almost sounded like Nathalie had been playing with Petra’s life. She was making Petra a mere replacement.

And that’s how Nathalie suddenly started blaming herself all over again. Maybe Petra’s hate and distaste was all she deserved. Maybe Levi could not love Petra in the same way as Nathalie couldn’t love him.

“Well… if you don’t love him, I guess that’s fine too. The both of you deserve happiness,” Nathalie added. “You’re dismissed,”

Petra stormed out of the office, slamming the door behind her without a word. Nathalie sighed tiredly. Maybe it was Levi the one she should scold. She shouldn’t even be complicating herself in this. Their relationship was their problem. If it didn’t work, they should just break up. It wasn’t her fault Levi had this… fixation on her.

Nathalie let out a soft wince as another wave of sharp pain shot through her lower belly. Of all the things she had this too. She walked out of Erwin’s quarters. She had things to do.

Hange was in their lab, reading the books that Nathalie had brought from the newfound library beneath the Palace – or at least trying to read them.

“Is there something wrong?” Nathalie asked, placing a hand on Hange’s shoulder as she stared down at the pages of the large, open book that Nathalie had been reading the other night.

“Yeah, I don’t think you’ve noticed but, this is on another language,” Hange pointed out and Nathalie’s eyes widened.

“WHAT?!”

She had been reading and understanding another language all along?! Nathalie peeked down at the pages and it still all looked familiar. She could still understand what was written there.

“B- But, I can still understand what it’s saying!” Nathalie cried out dumbfounded and she picked the book up in her hug.

“Well, I can’t!” Hange stood up off the bench. “Do you think that might be another Burgess thing?”

“Possibly,” Nathalie placed the book back down on the table. “I mean, nobody ever had to teach me how to read and write I just… I just knew,”

“Yup, another Burgess thing,” Hange nodded. “Say, have you heard about the lab? It’s not going to be functional anytime soon. Our mechanics are trying to build a generator that works on iceburst stone but that’s going to take months,”

No. Months? That meant later than the mission to reclaim Wall Maria. That meant a lot later. She only had about a month. Nathalie’s fingers messed around with her grey skirt and she bit her lip.

“How much time will it be functional with what it has?” Nathalie asked.

Hange sighed. “They’ve calculated around twelve hours, but that’s not enough, Nat, not even if all three of us work on it at the same time,”

That was a disaster. She couldn’t work without electricity. She could not produce at least one syringe per soldier for the upcoming mission and she definitely could not work right now on the vaccine. She needed time. Twelve hours were not enough. Even if she tried it, she would only make one syringe for either of both and that wasn’t nearly enough.

“Hange…” Nathalie pressed her weight back at the counter and she looked at her hands fidgeting with the fabric of her grey skirt. “…do you think-” no, she had to phrase this differently “how many casualties do you estimate for our upcoming mission?”

“I know what you were planning,” Hange said. “Erwin knows too. You were planning to make a syringe for every single soldier to have their wounds instantly healed. You wanted to mass produce an all-wound-healing serum, but we can’t do that, Nathalie,”

“What if we prolong this a little more?” Nathalie asked. “What if we push back the mission? Our mechanics need time, I need time,”

“I hear you,” Hange nodded in understanding. “I tried to talk Erwin into pushing it back, but he refused. He said it can’t wait. He wants to get to that basement, Nat,”

“Aren’t my notebooks about the outside enough for him?”

“He needs extra evidence. Your words are based on memories and visions. We can’t really present that to the Premier and the Generals,” Hange said, and she was right, but Nathalie groaned.

Why was everything so damn difficult?!

“I’ll talk to him,” Nathalie was certain she could talk him out of it. She turned to head for the door. “Is he back yet?”

“He won’t be back for a while-” Hange was cut off by Nathalie rushing out and slamming the door shut. Hange groaned. Nathalie was right. They needed time, but they also needed proof. Nathalie was one person alone and her sayings were indeed just visions that Erwin did trust but only because he knew her personally. The rest of the world didn’t. They needed more evidence.

But there was another reason why they couldn’t prolong this. Nathalie had made a deal with Marley. She told them she would overthrow the King first and then she’d allow them to take her, to work in their labs and come up with the vaccine in Marley and in return they wouldn’t destroy Paradis with violence, they would negotiate. She didn’t plan to hold her end of the deal because if the vaccine came from Paradis, then Marley would have no choice but to ask for Paradis’s help to hunt down and kill the titans that had been terrorising the entire world.

Titans had gone out of Marley’s control, and they had infested every single continent out there. It was Marley’s fault and Marley needed a solution. Marley needed to present the world with a solution if they didn’t want the world to hate them and turn their weapons to Marley the second they were done dealing with titans. But if Marley didn’t get the solution they wanted from her, they could take it from Dr Hange Zoe of Paradis in exchange for a peace treaty between Paradis and the rest of the world.

That could work.

But Nathalie needed more time.

Maybe she would use those twelve hours to show Hange and Moblit how to make the vaccine and the serum while she would be gone. Nathalie feared that they would take her during the mission to reclaim Wall Maria.

After all, she was going insane. She was dangerous, because Miche and his squad had yet to show up and the possibility of them being dead was growing.

Nathalie entered her quarters and locked the door behind. She entered her bathroom and grasped the mirror and turned it over to look at her reflection for the first time in so many months. She threw her hands on the white sink as she stared at the reflection.

“What did you do to Miche?” She demanded, but her reflection looked normal. There was nothing weird going on with the mirror. “What did you do to Miche?!” She repeated, louder this time. She had to know. “Did you kill him!? What did you do to Nanaba?! A- And Gelgar?! And Tomas, a- a- and Lynne, a- and Henning?! Did you kill them?! I need to know!”

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. She was breathing harder now. She didn’t know whether the absence of response was a yes or a no. She didn’t know whether it was still trying to fuck up with her or was hiding it. Why would it hide it? She remembered clearly killing all those MPs but she did not remember a thing of what had actually happened when she ran off of the Miche Squad with one of their horses.

Why could she not remember anything? Why was her mind like this?

Nathalie grasped her head in her hands and buried her fingers deep in the roots of her hair. A sob erupted from her throat. Could she really have killed Miche?

Could she really marry Erwin knowing she had killed his best friend?

She looked at the ring on her finger and tears ran down her cheeks. She was sobbing. It was getting hard to breathe. Her vision was blurry and she took her glasses off. There was no use. She looked at her nails that hadn’t yet grown after being torn the last time during the torture.

But she found her scissors on her sink and she used them to start carving again on her ruined, wooden floor, that same word over and over. Help. Help. Help. Help.

“Look at you… you’re insane,”

“Do you think you can marry him while you’re like this?”

“Do you think you can be a wife?”

“A mother?”

“What kind of children would you raise as an insane mother?”

“What kind of life would you give him?”

“You will make his life a living hell if you marry him.”

“If you really love him, you won’t marry him,”

Help. Help. Help. Help. Help.

Help me.

Please.

Someone.

Anyone.

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

"Erwin... I ... I can't marry you."

Chapter 66: Risk to Lose it All

Notes:

y'all this chap is just one scene but it somehow ended up beign 3,5k words LMAO

ALSO TYSM FOR THE AMAZING SUPPORT AND THE AMAZING COMMENTS, PLS KEEP EM COMING!!!!!

Also I made this art a while back, idk if I've posted it here but there you go!

She had to tell him. She had to tell him she didn’t love him. She had to lie to him, and she had to make it believable. She had to stop this marriage before it’d even happen. She had to give him back that ring that was now stained in her blood. Nathalie let the cold water run on an open wound that she had carved on her forearm. Pain kept the voice down. Pain wasn’t even painful to her anymore. It was merely numbing. It was like a drug.

She couldn’t live like this.

Nathalie looked at the bloody scissors that she had used to make those self-inflicted wounds on her hands. They lied discarded on the side with blood-stained blades. Her legs almost gave up on her, but Nathalie threw her hands on her sink, pressing her weight there and rearranging her wobbly legs.

She hadn’t turned off the water quite yet. It was cold and soothing on that deep, long cut that she had made on her forearm. She had landed quite close to the main veins and arteries, but she didn’t know what was keeping her back.

Actually, she had so many things keeping her back, but she was so tired. She looked so pale in front of the mirror. But she wasn’t staring at the mirror to see how she looked, she was staring to see whether it would talk. Whether it would make an appearance and answer her questions instead of torturing her.

But maybe, she didn’t need it to give her answers that she already knew.

Nathalie tied a large white bandage around her arm with shaky movements. How could she even walk out of her quarters pretending this hadn’t happened? Pretending she was self-harming, or going insane, or about to lose it all? About to face Erwin and tell him she didn’t want to marry him. How was she going to say no to that one thing that she had been chasing after her entire life?

How could she deny the man she loved?

Maybe she wasn’t going to do it. She was too much of a coward, always had been.

A knock came on her door, and her eyes widened.

“Nathalie?”

That was Erwin’s voice. No! She couldn’t let him in! She couldn’t let him in, he couldn’t see this! She looked down at her blood that lingered everywhere. On her white sink. On the blades of her scissors. On the bloody bandage that she was still tying around her arm. Everywhere. Just everywhere. And then it was her floor. Her floor, that was carved all over with just this one word. Help. Help. Help. Help. She couldn’t let him in. She couldn’t let him find out. She would lose him. She would…

She had already lost him.

“I- I’m coming!” She called out and she messily tied the bandage around her arm, and she cleaned the blood as fast as she could. She threw that matt on the floor to cover the carvings, but they were too many and she needed a larger carpet, but it had to do for now. She wasn’t going to let him in. No, no, no, no, no… she had already lost him, but not yet. Not yet.

Please, not yet.

She wasn’t ready. She wasn’t ready to tell him she didn’t love him. She wasn’t ready to lie to him. She wasn’t ready to lose everything.

She let the sleeve all the way down to her wrist and she buttoned it tightly, to make it hard for someone to lift up and find the bandage beneath. Even though, the texture of the bandage could still be distinguished beneath the fabric of her shirt.

But Nathalie couldn’t prolong this anymore. She wiped the remaining sticky tears from her eyes, and she put her glasses back on and she prayed he wouldn’t find out. He mustn’t find out. He mustn’t.

She looked at her hands that were both shaking, and she fisted her fingers trying to stop the movement in vain.

Nathalie rushed to the door, and she opened it to reveal Erwin standing outside. He was wearing his green Survey Corps coat on top of a wrinkly white shirt and his emerald bolo tie around his neck. He must have just returned. His golden hair was messy from riding back to Trost and from the sound on her windowsills, she could tell it was windy outside.

“I- I- I’m so sorry, for the delay, I- I was-” Nathalie tried to come up with an excuse, but he cut her.

“Sshh, it’s alright, I know you’re… in the… tough time of the month,” Erwin tried to collect his words carefully, but he didn’t really give her a chance for a reaction. He wrapped his arm around her and tugged her close and he buried his face in her neck, pressing kisses all over her beautiful skin.

Nathalie bit her lip, but she couldn’t stop herself from wrapping her arms around his shoulders, burying her fingers in his hair. Her eyes closed in instant but brief bliss as he kissed down on her perfect skin on her neck, making his way up to her chin, her cheeks.

“I loved those… roses and those… chocolates, my love,” Nathalie tried to keep it together. Maybe she wasn’t going to tell him after all. Her head rolled back for him to keep kissing her skin.

“Anything for my pretty girl,” Erwin caught her lips in his own and she melted right in. Her worries, almost so very far out of her reach.

Her tongue was weak against his own and her fingers were barely moving in his hair. The weight of her body seemed to have entirely fallen on his arm around her waist. His little girl was weightless, but he could still tell that if he wasn’t holding her, she would’ve dropped on the floor. He pulled back to look at her hazy blue eyes, but they were just tired, and her pretty face was pale and her hand on his cheek was cold and shaky.

“You’re so pale,” Erwin’s arm tightened around her as it seemed to be the only reason she was still standing up on her feet. “What’s wrong?”

Nathalie shook her head and she spoke. “I’m… I’m…” alright. I’m alright. Say it! Why couldn’t she say it? I’m alright. I’m fine. I’m okay. She could say none of these. But she couldn’t tell him she couldn’t marry him either. He had just returned from a long day at work in the Capital, and he was so happy to be there with her. She couldn’t ruin it for him.

But she couldn’t ruin his entire life either.

A sob threatened to erupt out of her, but she clamped her hand around her lips to stop it. No, no, no, no, no… she couldn’t have a breakdown in front of him. He shouldn’t see her like this.

“Nathalie,” Erwin tried to get her attention. His eyes chased her own. “I need you to tell me what’s wrong,”

“It’s nothing… I- It’s nothing,”

“It’s not nothing, please, baby, tell me what’s wrong, tell me, tell me,” Erwin was genuinely worried now. What could have possibly happened to make such a mess of her? He might have treated her like his fragile little girl, but he knew his little Nathalie was tough. She had been through hell, and she had survived it and she was here, loving him, wanting him, his future wife, his sweet baby. He hated watching her like this. He would turn the world upside down for her.

“I- I- I just… I need to tell you something,” Nathalie finally mustered the courage to say, and she knew she was going to regret every single word that was about to come out of her mouth. She took his hand in her own and she pressed a warm kiss on his open palm. “Let’s go to your office,” She closed her door and walked out to the corridor. They walked into his quarters, and he closed the door behind, turning to her, waiting for her to tell him what it was that was bothering her.

Could have Levi done another move on her? Did he touch her? Did he kiss her? Erwin could’ve sworn he’d do everything in his power to keep Levi away from her if that was the case. But, no, it looked like it was something so much serious than that. All she had to do was tell him. But the truth was that she didn’t know what to tell him. What to reveal, what to keep hidden. She didn’t know.

“I… I can’t marry you,”

She could have never believed that she would ever say those words to him. The man that she had dreamt of marrying for her entire life. She never thought it would get to this. She never believed life could get that cruel. She could never have imagined that it was going to force her to deny what she most desired.

Erwin was… confused. Maybe he would get angry too but that was yet to come. Why? That was the first thought he made. He could have never imagined that Nathalie would tell him this.

“Is it Levi? Do you love him?” Erwin asked. Heart thrummed hard beneath his chest. There was no way that was it, right? She had chosen him, right?

“No! No-”

“What about that soldier Marley sent for you? Do you love him?”

“No, Erwin, it’s nothing like that, I adore you…” Nathalie cupped both his cheeks making sure she had his attention. “…I love you so much-”

“Then what is it? Is it my arm?”

“No! No, it’s not you, you’re perfect my darling Erwin, my sweet man, it’s just…” She bit her inner cheek hard enough to draw blood. “I don’t remember what happened with Miche and the others,” Nathalie tried to get it together. “I don’t remember how I ran off of them, but they’re gone, and I fear… I fear I’m the one who killed them-”

“Nathalie, we’ve talked about this. It was just a nightmare-”

“I saw myself killing them! What if it was true?!”

“Why would you even do it? Nathalie, what you’re saying doesn’t make sense,” Erwin cupped her face. He had started to panic without a reason. His little girl loved him. She loved him dearly. She was going to marry him.

But she wasn’t listening to him. Maybe it didn’t make sense to him, but it made sense to her because she knew her mind was defective. A detail she couldn’t tell him. She couldn’t tell him she was going insane. He shouldn’t find out.

“I can’t marry you knowing I have killed your best friend… I won’t be able to make you happy… I will ruin your life… I want you to be happy, I want you to be… I need to fix myself… I need to fix me…”

She was talking to herself now, looking away from him. Her attention was drifting away. He couldn’t understand why she was saying any of that. Was she hiding something? Was there something that she wasn’t telling him? No, she trusted him, didn’t she?

“Hey, look at me…” Erwin cupped her cheek, but it didn’t work. He spoke out her name and his eyes chased her own, but it still didn’t work. She wasn’t there. She wasn’t focusing on him. She was mumbling to herself things that made no sense. He grasped her hair and gave them a punishing pull, forcing her to look up. A soft gasp escaped her lips, and her eyes finally met his own. “You did not kill them. We didn’t find their bodies so they’re not dead,” Erwin reminded her.

“I need to fix myself.” Maybe there were indeed things that she was keeping from him, but if she wasn’t interested in someone else – and he believed her that she wasn’t – then whatever it was that she needed to fix, they could fix it together.

“Listen to me, my sweet baby,” Erwin pecked her lips. “Whatever it is that you’re not telling me, we’ll fix it. We’ll fix it together, alright?” He let go of her hair and he cupped her cheek. “I won’t let you deal with anything alone ever again, is that understood? Let me be there for you,”

That’s all she had to do. She had been there for him for so long and he had never done the same. It was his chance to make up for it. It was his chance to show her that he was reliable and capable of helping her stand on her own two feet. Whatever it was – he needed no explanation – he was there to help her deal with it. He was willing to wait as long as it took for her to finally feel ready to tell him. But he was there for her. She had to understand that.

He was too good for her. Nathalie felt a sense of relief. Maybe she wasn’t going to be forced to toss this away, because he was there for her. Her sweet man was there for her. Whatever it is that you’re not telling me… we’ll fix it together. Was he really going to put up with a woman who was going insane? Could she really finally tell him?

Could she open up about her condition?

Nathalie parted her lips to say it, but nothing came out. Maybe she couldn’t yet tell him. But at least she knew she could rely on him when it came to this. She gave him a sweet smile and she brought him down for a tight hug, burying her face in his neck.

He held her tight, and he buried his face in her hair, shutting his eyes. “My sweet girl,” He pressed kisses on her forehead. “I’m here for you… I’m here for you, my gorgeous little angel,” He kissed her cheeks, her eyelashes, her temple. His arm tightened around her thin waist. “Rely on me… depend on me…” He found her neck, biting down hard and she gasped, but still threw her head back for him as he launched an attack on her beautiful skin. “…surrender to me… do it entirely…” His bites were rough, and she whimpered, but maybe that’s because for a moment he actually thought she didn’t love him. He actually thought she loved someone else.

I can’t marry you. She almost gave him a heart attack when she said that. He thought her heart belonged to someone else. He thought she belonged to someone else when she was his. She was all his. She was his in every meaning of the word. She was his precious little baby. She was his perfect little doll and no one – no one – should ever lay a finger on her. She was his. His. Mine.

Mine.

“You’re mine, sweetheart. You’re all mine. My precious baby…”

He kept mumbling things, marking up her neck all over and her sounds were so sweet. Nathalie closed her eyes and let him do whatever he wanted. She loved this man so much. She buried her fingers in his hair and she unbuttoned his green coat pushing it down his shoulders, letting it land on the floor without any care. She needed to touch his skin. She needed to touch him all over. His own hand was tugging on her shirt. He needed it off of her.

“Marry me, Nathalie,” He pulled from her neck to press his forehead against her own. Both breathing hard. “Marry me tomorrow during the coronation when no one will notice,”

Her eyes widened. Her heart started thrumming fast. “B- But I have nothing good to wear, a- and what about a best man or-”

“No one’s going to be there. Just you, me, and the priest,” He took her hand in his own. “I know it’s not the wedding you had imagined, but I promise you that when this is all over, I will give you the wedding you deserve, but for now, we don’t need too much attention, let’s just-”

Nathalie kissed him. She kissed him hard, and she wrapped her arms around his neck, hanging herself from there, picking herself up on her tiptoes to reach him. She didn’t need anything more. She didn’t need anything else. Just him. She needed no fancy dresses, no huge crowds to worship her, no large, expensive rings, nor grand costly ceremonies. Just him.

“It’s perfect,” Nathalie mumbled against his lips, and she pulled back to look at him. “It’s perfect. Let’s keep it a secret like you want to, I don’t mind. I don’t need any grand ceremony, nor an expensive dress. I don’t need anything, my love. You’re all I need,”

That’s right. He was all she needed. His sweet little girl loved him so very deeply. He couldn’t deny that part of the reasons why he was rushing was because he wanted to make sure she was his. He wanted to make sure she was bound and dependent to him. He wanted to make sure she wouldn’t go after some other man. He wanted to make sure he was the only thing she would ever think about.

Maybe he was getting obsessive and possessive and overly protective. Maybe he would let himself be all of these, excessively. But after watching them torture and hurt her, it had scarred him. It had awakened a primal side of him that he didn’t quite recognise. He wanted her by his side at all times – that’s why he hadn’t let her ride on a horse on her own or go anywhere without him. He wanted to know she was safe. He knew he couldn’t protect her enough, but he wanted to be there and fool himself that she was safe when he was around.

He wanted her to think of only him. He couldn’t stand to even imagine another man touching her. He wanted to leave his marks on her in all the visible places for everyone to see. He wanted everyone to know that his name was carved on her skin.

He wanted to marry her at a part of the day where everyone would be too busy watching the coronation of the Queen. He didn’t want anybody to interrupt them. He didn’t want anybody to object. He wanted to marry her and watch her change her signature, to put his name in the place of her own.

He wanted her to be his sweet little Mrs Nathalie Smith and he wanted everybody to find out about it. He wanted everybody to know that the great, brilliant Dr Nathalie Burgess Smith was his wife. His sweet little wife, the mother of his children, hopefully one day – definitely one day.

“You will make the sweetest wife,” He spoke against her lips and her heart fluttered. Just a few seconds ago she was having breakdowns and she was going insane, but now – now she was the happiest woman in the world. Only this man could do this to her.

“My beloved husband,”

Fuck, it sounded so good. He kissed her again and she climbed on top of him, wrapping her legs around his waist and he took her to bed. He laid her down and he crawled on top of her.

It was so undignified to sleep with his bride-to-be the very night before their wedding, but he didn’t care, and she didn’t care either.

It was almost unbelievable. It was all happening so fast. They were getting married in just a few hours and Nathalie had yet to register it in her head. She was going to marry the man she loved. The man she had spent her entire life falling for. Life was maddening.

There were so many things that she had to fix. She had to fix her mind. She had to make the vaccine, the serum. She had to make sure they would both make it out alive from the mission to reclaim Wall Maria, and every other mission to come. She had so many things to do – but today she was going to marry Erwin Smith. She never thought he would try to rush it so much.

She never thought he even wanted marriage. She thought he didn’t. She thought he would never marry her – sure, he had made something quite similar to a proposal before – but she just grasped onto it for a fake sense of reassurance and happiness. She never thought they would actually get the chance to have this. She thought they would both die before even thinking about arranging a wedding.

But maybe he thought so too. Maybe that was exactly why he had rushed it. Let’s not wait. You don’t know what happens, his exact words. They didn’t know what was going to happen. But he wanted to marry her anyway. He wanted to do it while they were both still alive. He was past trying to ignore his feelings when it came to her – to their precious relationships.

He loved his Nathalie.

And after watching her get hurt and tortured, his feelings amplified to the point of being overwhelming. It was so overwhelming because he held her all night, so tightly and he could hardly sleep. She was so beautiful. He was exhausted but he couldn’t shut his eyes because she was so very beautiful right there in his arms, in his chest, nuzzling.

His sweet little baby.

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

“I pronounce you, husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride,”

Yes, you lucky hoes, the next chap is the wedding ehehehehehe

Chapter 67: A Secret, Rushed Wedding

Notes:

HERE'S THE WEDDING YALL FINALLLYYYYYY after 67 fucking chapters LMFAO but don't get fooled, they're gonna be happy for like what? 3 chapters???? LMFAO ye no more than that AHAHAHAHAHA

but pls enjoy our babies being happy while it lasts MUAHAHAHHA

TYSM for those amazing comments and the amazing support! 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

Erwin fell asleep eventually, and he woke up the next morning at the feeling of her tender lips on his chin. He was still holding her tight. They hadn’t drifted too far from the position they had initially slept in.

“Good morning, my love,” Nathalie’s blue eyes met his own and a precious smile spread across her lips.

He brushed a few strands of messy brown hair away from her face. “Good morning, my sweet bride,”

She giggled sweetly and her cheeks grew a bright red right away. “I need to go put on something white,”

“Meet me back here,” Erwin smiled at her as he watched her stand up off the bed and make her way out of his bedroom and eventually out of his quarters.

She didn’t have a white skirt, but she did have a very light grey skirt. Combined with a white shirt, it should make a makeshift wedding dress. Nathalie didn’t mind it at all. She never cared about pretty dresses anyway. He had promised to give her a better wedding after it was all over, but she didn’t care. She really didn’t. All she needed was him. His love, his affection.

She wrapped her green Survey Corps coat on top of her and wrapped her own emerald bolo tie – the one that would give out her rank as a Section Commander and Vice-Captain of the first Squad – Erwin’s Squad. She didn’t take too much pride in that title. Now that Miche was gone, if anything happened to Erwin, the Scout Regiment would fall in her hands. No, she definitely did not enjoy the responsibility that came with that title. But he had asked it of her, and she did it without question just like everything else he ever asked of her.

And for once, in such a long time, she finally put some effort into fixing her hair. Nathalie knew it was a bad idea to stand in front of the mirror. She was risking to losing her calm, her sanity. But she couldn’t let it destroy her day. This precious day. Nathalie settled her hair in waves, just the way he liked.

“You shouldn’t marry him,” Her reflection talked to her.

“I love him,”

“If you do love him, you won’t marry him,”

Nathalie frowned.

“I love him and I’ll marry him and I won’t let you get in the way. And he won’t let you either,”

Nathalie turned the mirror the other way around to face the wall again. She sighed in relief, and she was ready. Erwin wouldn’t abandon her if he found out about her condition, would he? Erwin would stand by her.

“Rely on me… depend on me… surrender to me… do it entirely,” he had told her, and she was going to do it, because it was so very blissful to belong to this man.

Nathalie entered his quarters finding him buttoning up his shirt in front of his mirror. She approached him and stood in front of him, buttoning up his shirt for him while his hand settled on her waist. His blue eyes rested upon that focused expression on her face as she fixed his shirt. She fixed her hair. So rare for her, but so beautiful all the same. Her lips were painted in blood red. The only indication of makeup she would ever put on her face – and only on special occasions like this one.

She passed his emerald bolo tie around his neck and fixed it beneath the collar. She took such good care of him. She barely ever missed a day to help him dress or shave him or do his laundry. His sweet little girl. What would he do without her? He loved her so much.

“So beautiful…” Erwin leaned down to capture her lips in his own but she pulled back and she giggled. A look of mischief on her face, and a glow in her eyes.

“Nah-uh!” She placed her hand on his lips to block him. “You’ll marry me first, and then you may kiss me,” She pulled her hand away and she set off to get his coat and he just watched her with a chuckle.

“Anything my girl wants,” God, he wanted to spoil her so very much.

She snuck behind him, helping him in his green coat and buttoning those few buttons on the front. He pressed a kiss on her forehead, and he took her hand in his own.

“Let’s go,”

They rode to the interior. Hange and Moblit and Levi with Petra and his squad were riding ahead. Everybody was going to be there for the Queen’s coronation. Hange noticed Erwin’s horse – where both Nathalie and Erwin were riding on – it had stayed in the back of the road. They had just reached the interior. All they had to do was take a turn and they’d reach the Royal Palace. Hange slowed down her horse to turn and look at them way behind her.

“Are you guys coming?”

“Yes,” Erwin spoke. “Go ahead, Hange, we’re right behind you,”

Hange threw them both an unconvinced look, but she took the turn anyway and vanished in the streets, Nathalie urged the horse to turn to a different direction and she laughed, and Erwin laughed with her. His arm was around her as she steered the horse.

“I think Hange’s onto us,” Nathalie teased.

Erwin grinned. “I’d be surprised if she wasn’t,”

And while their young Queen was being coronated and the entire world’s attention was falling in the Palace of the Capital, Erwin and Nathalie stood side by side in front of the man who was getting them married. They were into an entirely empty cathedral, and Nathalie found, she preferred it like this. Just she and the man she loved. Just the two of them. He looked so handsome and strong, standing beside her in his Survey Corps attire.

No people to stare and buzz with gossip. No bouquet in her hands. No perfect, expensive dress adorning her body. No maid of honour, no best man to hand them their rings. It was as if the two had run off of oppressive parents that did not approve of their bond. Nathalie chuckled just to the thought of it. They had no parents to run off of. They only had each other, and friends they lost, and friends they cherished.

Commander Erwin Smith was getting married, and no one would find out. Everybody was attending the coronation and the priest was getting paid extra to keep his mouth shut.

“…time for your vows. The bride goes first,”

The vows! Nathalie almost panicked. She had thought of this moment so many times. She had imagined marrying him so many times, and her vows were always a different, longer speech. She kept adding to the things she wanted to vouch throughout the years – but one thing was certain. She was going to stand by his side through anything. She would let him hurt her and love her and she would endure both.

“I vow…”

But she really hadn’t thought it through right now. And maybe she didn’t have to. All she had to do was take a look at him. At that adoration in his eyes. He only ever had that look when he was looking at her. She didn’t need to think it through. She knew exactly what to say.

“Erwin Smith… I vow to love you… I vow to stand by your side through war, and pain, and suffering, and sickness, and health, and happiness. I vow to follow you wherever you take me. To love and cherish you till my very last breath. I vow to never hide anything from you again, to trust you with my life…” but most importantly “…I vow to never let death do us part.”

And she knew exactly how to do that. The lab beneath the Palace only had twelve hours of functionality left – and she was going to use them just to keep him alive. I vow to never let death do us part. She was a Burgess – if anything, she could keep him alive. Because she needed him. She needed him to live and breathe and continue living. She needed him to be happy so that she could be happy too.

Erwin knew that, that last one was a vow that she couldn’t really keep. He knew she was brilliant and stubborn, and she could do the impossible, but this war was going to part them one day one way or another. Only luck could save them, and he was never a man to believe in luck. He believed in reason and logic and rationality. But she believed in science and emotions. A very dangerous combination that he had to keep under control.

Erwin’s hand caught her own and he gave her fingers a gentle squeeze. He turned to look at her. She was so beautiful. A glint of hope in her eyes.

“Nathalie Burgess, I vow to love and cherish you. I vow to protect you with my life should anything or anyone come for you. I vow to stand by you in sickness and in health. I cannot vow that you will be happy, and I can’t promise you we’ll both make it out…”

He shouldn’t be marrying her. He shouldn’t be doing this. He was dragging her in a life that she did not deserve. She deserved a man who could make her happy. She deserved a man who could actually protect her. She deserved a man who wouldn’t let her fight. A man who would never allow her to risk losing her life.

She deserved so much. She deserved everything when all he could give her was nothing. But there was no going back now. He was going to marry her because he loved her, because he trusted that she knew what she was getting herself into when she agreed to marry and love him.

“…but I do vow to try my best to make you happy. I vow to never take you for granted. I vow to try to keep us both alive and safe… so that one day I can give you the future we have always dreamt of… till death do us part.”

Nathalie had tears in her eyes. He slipped her ring up her finger, and she did the same for him. Nathalie giggled helplessly and he smiled at her. He had never seen her so happy. Even though he had just said he could not promise her happiness. Even though he hadn’t given her any certainty for the future they both so much longed for. Even though he hadn’t even told her he loved her.

She still married him, and she was so happy she wiped away the tears in her eyes before they dropped to her cheeks.

“I pronounce you, husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride,”

He needed no further prompting. He had been waiting to kiss her all day. Erwin’s arm slipped tightly around her and he tugged her close till her body was pressed against his own. Her pretty lips were so beautiful painted in red, and parted and plump and welcoming for him to slip his tongue right in. She was so beautiful. Even with just a plain white buttoned shirt and a light grey skirt. She needed no wedding dress, even though he had no doubt she would look like an angel in one.

He kissed her.

He joined their lips and her arms slipped around his shoulders and she lifted herself up on her tiptoes to reach him. She closed her eyes and let him kiss her, gentle and sweet in his tight hold. She buried her fingers in the hair right above his nape and he grunted in her mouth. He pulled back to let her breathe, allowing his nose to nuzzle against her own and their eyes met.

He was looking at her with such adoration, such fondness. She cupped his face and ran her gentle fingers across his cheek. Her husband. Her sweet, gentle husband. He would protect her no matter what.

“You might want to sign these,” The priest said, pulling out a paper and settling it on the table behind him. It was the official wedding papers and her acceptance to change her name, her signature, her title.

Erwin wrote down his signature and he handed her the feather. Nathalie dipped it in the pot of ink and let down her new signature. Erwin looked down at the paper and a small smile spread on his lips.

His name looked great accompanying her own, and she couldn’t agree more.

They took the paper, and the priest kept a copy to make it official. Erwin thanked the man before the two turned to leave, newlyweds and no one would know about it. And it was alright. Nathalie didn’t care about people knowing or not. There was one thing that was missing, and it bothered Erwin the most.

“I wish I could pick you up,” Erwin spoke against her ear, pressing a kiss on her temple while the two of them walked to the exit of the large building.

She smiled up at him and she laced their fingers together. “You don’t have to, my love…” she brought his hand up to press a kiss on his rough knuckles, pausing their walking for a second “…my sweet man… my husband,” she pressed more kisses on his hand and all he could do was look down at her.

It sounded so good coming from her. It was almost unbelievable that they had just gotten married. He had imagined his wedding to her to be… bigger. Grander. Magnificent. An event that everyone would talk about. But now, nobody knew. Nobody knew that Commander Erwin Smith had a wife – and maybe it was for the best.

Maybe it was best that nobody knew because she would be targeted. She would be in danger.

Actually, she already was. Marley was going to take her, and he didn’t know about it. She hadn’t yet told him. There were so many things she hadn’t told him. There were so many things they hadn’t told each other.

But before utter destruction, they both at least owed themselves to enjoy today. This beautiful day that they were going to spend by each other’s side. They were going to allow themselves to neglect their worries, the fate of the world, the future of mankind, even if it meant for just one day. No honeymoon. No breaks. Only today.

He brought her hand up, pressing a kiss on the back of her knuckles. “My wife,” She bit her tongue, and her cheeks grew a bright red. It sounded so good coming from him. She was his wife. Finally. His at last. “Mrs Nathalie Smith,”

She giggled. “Don’t you think they’ll be wondering where we are, Mr Smith?”

“I don’t care,” Erwin said honestly, and he kissed her sweet lips briefly, and then slipped down to her chin, her cheek, that tender spot beneath her ear and she shivered as he grazed her earlobe with his teeth. “I can’t wait to have you.”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chapter

“Y- You’re my husband. You’re… the man I’ve always loved… and always will. You’re my… best friend, my lover, my leader, my guide… my grandest happiness… my deepest sorrow… my uprising and my downfall,”

that last coloured bit is going to become their thing uwu 🥺🥺🥺

Chapter 68: Mr & Mrs Smith 🟥

Notes:

NOOO

NOT THE MOVIE

ignore the movie ssssshhhhhh

i did the same thing in BHSL, after Nat's and Levi's wedding, the smutty chap was titled "Mr & Mrs Ackerman" so here, in this AU, it is "Mr & Mrs Smith" BUT NOT THE MOVIE DAMMIT

shoutout to @Marwa_Aslaa3 and @GargaMela21 FOR BEING AWESOME AND COMMENTING IN EVERY CHAP THANK U both my fave readers uwu sometimes @Sacha1Slytherin too THANK U, IVE BEEN BLESSED with amazingly supportive readers 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

PLS ENJOY 5,5k words of smut LMFAO and quality uwuness uwuwuwuwu

oh yes it's unedited dnjkfgejiowk

The streets were empty on their way back to Trost. Everybody was in the capital today except for those two. Erwin and Nathalie made it back to the Survey Corps Headquarters and once again he wished he could pick her up bridal style and carry her, and only let her down when they’d reach their bed. She was going to move her stuff in his quarters. They were going to share his closet, his bed, his office. It was their home for now.

But he was already thinking of buying them an actual home. Wherever she wanted it. He would let her decide. He knew she didn’t like the city, so he guessed somewhere outside of a district, on a green hill, surrounded by trees and mountains and he couldn’t agree more. Maybe he’d have it built from scratch. Anything she wanted. He’d make it big enough for the family that they wanted to have. The family that he wanted to start creating right now.

He kissed her the second they entered his quarters. Maybe he was being blinded by love and happiness – emotions he had neglected for so long. But he wanted to have this with her. He wanted a place to call his own. A place to call their home. He wanted children of their own, running all around and playing, and he wanted their laughter to echo in the rooms. He wanted to watch her spoil and scold them and take care of them. He wanted to be coming back to this every day.

He wanted no war for them to fight. No conflicts, no monsters threatening their lives. No dangers. He wanted to fix the world first but at the same time, he couldn’t wait. Deep down he had this little voice reminding him that they had to do everything now that they were still alive, and they still had the time.

So, he kissed her, and he didn’t rush. He was going to take his time with her today. He was going to be gentle. He was going to revel in her kisses, her touches. He was going to love her like he had been wanting to do so many times before – and each time he was being an utter idiot and he was ruining it.

No, he was going to do it right this time and for all the times to come. His Nathalie deserved to be loved in the gentlest, most precious way.

He buried his face in her neck and he found those bites and bruises that he had given her the nights before and he just kissed them. No more bites, no sucking and ruining her tender skin. He just kissed her all over the marks that lingered there – his way of apologising for being so difficult all those years.

She was his, now. She was his wife. He could finally call her with that title. He had dreamt of this moment for longer than he thought. It wasn’t just her fantasizing about this. She pressed her hands on his shoulders, picking herself up, wrapping her legs around his waist. His arm settled beneath her, keeping her up against him.

He took her to bed. He lied her down so gently, like an infant. She took off her glasses and her bolo tie and began working on his own. She slipped the bright green stone down the string, releasing its hold around his neck. She placed it on the nightstand with her glasses and she started working on his shirt, sitting up at the edge of the bed to unbutton it.

He caught her hair in his fingers, and he urged her to look up at her sweet man who stood above her. Her pretty lips parted, and he leaned down and slipped his tongue right in. She pushed his shirt down his shoulders, letting it land on the floor and she began unbuttoning her own.

He pulled back to watch her as she pulled her shirt down her shoulders revealing her white bra enveloping her breasts beneath. His sweet girl was so skinny and pale, but perfect. She had a bandage still tied around the forearm of her left arm, slightly bloody at a certain spot. How had he not noticed it? Maybe that was because she had slept in a long-sleeved gown last night. He couldn’t tell whether she had done it on purpose to hide it from him.

But what had happened to her arm? Why was she hurt?

He took her hand in his own to bring it closer to him to look at it and he looked back down at her. “You’re hurt,” He stated simply but he was certainly waiting for an explanation.

She panicked. How could she be so careless? She shouldn’t have taken her shirt off. She shouldn’t have let him see this. How was she going to explain this now?

“I… I… I- It’s nothing!” She had no idea what to say. Lying wasn’t an option. He would find out. He knew when she was lying. He let go of her arm and he caught her chin in his rough fingers urging her to look up at him.

“You’re lying to me… again,” He traced her pretty lips with his thumb. “You vowed to stop lying to me,”

She bit her lip. There was no escaping this conversation. “I’m sorry,” She turned her face down apologetically. “You’re right. I shouldn’t keep anything from my husband…” She cupped his face and smiled fondly up at him. “…but you shouldn’t worry about me. I am alright. I am so happy today. You make me so very happy. I will tell you everything one day, I promise, but for now…” Nathalie slipped off the bed and knelt in front of him, looking up at him with those bright blue eyes that he adored. “For now, and for as long as we have, I’m yours. And everything I’ve ever done and will do, will be for you,”

She was so precious right there, on her knees for him in complete submission. She didn’t mind kneeling for him. She would kneel and worship him for the rest of their lives till her knees were bruised. She would do anything for him. She would endure all the pain and torture and suffering for him. Anything for him.

Maybe if she wasn’t so in love – no – if she wasn’t so obsessed with him – maybe things would have been so much different. So much easier. He wouldn’t feel bound and committed to her. He wouldn’t have married her. She wouldn’t have been sabotaging herself, her life, her health for him. Things would have been so much easier and simpler.

Was it selfish of him to admit that he loved how desperate she was for him?

He loved knowing she was his. He loved her willingness to do anything for him. His desperate little girl, always so willing to please him. Always so willing to drop on her knees for him and worship him and love him like no one else ever would. She was so precious to him. He had no idea what he’d do without her.

He cupped her face, and she rubbed her cheek on his hand, his touch-starved baby. He pressed his thumb on her lower lip urging her to part her pretty lips. A hot globe of spit landed on her tongue, and she swallowed it right away. He petted her hair. A smile on his lips, adoration in his eyes. She was all he ever wanted. And he was giving her that look that she had strived for her entire life.

“My sweet girl… my wife,” It sounded so good on her. She looked up at him with those huge, innocent blue eyes of hers. “Are you still taking those pills I gave you?”

He was talking about the contraceptives that – as she had expected – they didn’t quite work. She nodded. “I am,”

“Stop taking them,” He couldn’t believe he was saying this. He clearly had no control of what he was doing anymore. Her eyes widened. “I want everything with you,”

Did he really mean that? Did he really mean it in the way that she thought he did? He wanted her? He wanted a family with her? Did he ask for a place to call their home and children? Perfect little combinations of her and him, running all around, filling a house with their toys and laughter?

Did he really want that?

He hadn’t even told her he loved her yet. But maybe he didn’t have to, because if he didn’t love her, he would have never married her. I vow to love you, he said in his vows. He had said it. She was happy. So very happy and it was all him. But could she really give him everything?

Could she be the wife he deserved while she was losing her mind? Marley was going to take her one day. Maybe not while she was in town. No, they would show up and take her on some expedition or even after the mission to reclaim Wall Maria. They wouldn’t risk being seen by the Eldian citizens behind the walls and they would probably try and stop them from getting to Grisha’s notebooks because they were the only proof they had of the outside world.

But they would take her because she was their only chance of saving the world and she had made a deal that Erwin knew nothing about. If he knew about it, he wouldn’t have said this. I want everything with you. He didn’t know he couldn’t have everything with her.

Why was she doing this to him?

It was all her fault, wasn’t it? Why was it so hard to talk to him? To trust him? Why was she so certain that one day he’d leave her because she’d have done something wrong? She had spent her entire life being perfect, but she wasn’t even sure who she was being perfect for. Everything she had ever done was for him to tell her this, yet now that the moment had finally come, she was feeling so guilty because she had given him a taste of happiness that she was about to grasp from his hands and toss it away, and he didn’t know. He had no idea.

A tear ran down her cheek. They had just gotten married, yet she was already mourning their future as husband and wife. He wiped away the tear with his thumb. He couldn’t tell why she would cry, and for a moment, he was worried that he had done and said something wrong.

“Are you okay?”

His question snapped her out of her pessimistic thoughts. She was still kneeling in front of him. Maybe the only reason she had knelt before him in the first place was to beg for forgiveness for something that he didn’t even know she had done. She told him she had killed Miche – his best friend – but he had refused to believe it. He married her instead, refusing to believe her confession to a crime.

She was going to hurt him so very badly.

Why couldn’t things just be simpler?

Nathalie smiled at him instead. “I’m just… so happy,” She sniffled and wiped her cheeks. He smiled at her and he leaned down, wrapping his arm around her, and picking her up as if she weighed nothing with just one arm. It knocked a giggle out of her, and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders to help him with her weight. He settled her back on the bed, planting his knee between her legs and hovering on top of her.

He kissed her and made her forget all about… everything. She should forget everything for today. All their worries. All the things they had to do. All the things that were going to ruin everything they had ever wanted. She was just going to ignore everything and just enjoy this because they only had today. They only had this one day of no duties, no worrying, no guilt and regret and pain and madness. She needed today.

So, she kissed him back and she shut her eyes and wrapped her arms around his shoulders and allowed his tongue to take over while her hands fumbled through his black leather belt. She unbuckled it and loosened his pants. His cock was hard beneath as she palmed him, and he groaned in her mouth.

“Take it off,” He breathed hard against her lips, and she nodded and pushed his pants off and he kicked them away while she unzipped her skirt and his hand snuck between her back and the mattress, unbuckling her bra.

He buried his face in her neck. His pretty girl, completely bare beneath him. He couldn’t remember the last time he had her like this. He remembered the times he’d just take her, still fully clothed and she, bare. It was his stupid way of trying to make it look like it didn’t matter to him. He had tried so many stupid shenanigans to show that she didn’t matter to him when she was all that mattered to him.

He reached her chest, kissing and sucking a tender nipple in his mouth. A soft gasp escaped her throat, and she threw her head back. She buried her fingers in his golden hair, messing them up. He looked so good with messy blonde strands falling all over his face. He planted a big, rough bite on her chest, and she whimpered. A hickey that was going to stay there for days. He marked her all over like some feral animal. He wanted everybody to see the hickeys on her neck, her chest. He wanted everybody to know that she was his.

He knelt in front of the edge of the bed, and he hooked an arm around her leg, dragging her to the edge of the bed with a powerful move. She yelped in surprise but burst into laughter as she looked down at him.

“See? You don’t need a second arm to move me around,” Nathalie supported her upper half on her elbows.

“I could use a second arm with keeping those legs open,” Erwin grinned as he pried her legs apart and she laughed, parting her legs for him.

“That won’t be a problem for you, I promise,”

Her wetness had stained her thighs. Her hand reached for her needy clit, but he slapped her hand away.

“Hey!” She pouted but her pout disappeared the second he licked a stripe from her folds to her wet clit. Her pretty lips parted in a delicious silent gasp.

“Who owns you, Nathalie?” He asked but gave her no second to answer. He suckled her clit in his mouth and speaking coherently was going to be a challenge.

“I… I… fuck- y- you, ‘win…” she barely managed but all she could focus on was his tongue tracing all kinds of shapes on her twitching nub.

“And what am I to you?”

That was a question that she could only give a million answers. He was everything to her, but he was rendering her thoughtless. He dragged his wet, hot tongue on her folds and her legs almost snapped closed, but she kept them parted just as he had asked. His tongue made a dive within her sweet, quivering hole and her hands gave up on her. She crashed on her back on the bed and her breathing was getting erratic.

He brushed over that tender spot and her hand reached for his hair, burying her fingers into the messy blonde locks, clenching around the roots of his hair. Her hips rose up to meet his face. His nose bumped against her clit and she was going insane. She hadn’t had that kind of pleasure in such a long time. She needed it so much. A tight coil began to gather in her heaving abdomen and his tongue explored her spot. She was going to cum.

He pulled back before she even had the chance. “No! Please… p- please, let me cum… please…” she was babbling, and she was so beautiful all needy and whiny. His pretty girl was adorable. How could he ever say no to her?

“You didn’t answer my question, Nathalie,” Erwin rubbed gentle, featherlike circles on her engorged clit, throbbing for attention. She tried to ride his finger but he landed a painful blow on her thigh that knocked a gasp out of her, halting her movements. “Don’t be a bad girl,” he said sternly, and she groaned and tried to remember what his question was.

What am I to you?

“Y- You’re my husband,” She panted. “You’re… the man I’ve always loved… and always will. You’re my… best friend, my lover, my leader, my guide… my grandest happiness… my deepest sorrow… my uprising and my downfall,”

She didn’t even know whether she was making any sense. But it was she, his greatest happiness. It was she, his deepest sorrow. It was she, his downfall. He spent his entire life planning everything out. He was certain of every step of the way, every move, every thought every second. He always knew everything, but then there was she who either enhanced his certainty or took it and crushed it to smithereens.

He didn’t know what he was doing when it came to her. He didn’t know why in the world he had allowed himself to marry her and love her and promise her to never put his life again at risk, even though he knew he would. He knew he could never keep his vows no matter how much he wanted to.

He knew their marriage was already broken and meaningless. He knew there was no point indulging himself in it. He knew their marriage would become his deepest sorrow yet his greatest happiness all the same. He desired for a life with her. He yearned for a home and children and a normal job that he would leave every day just to go to her and them. He longed for normality. A loving wife. A warm, cosy home. But if she wasn’t there to get those ridiculous ideas in his head, he would have never desired for anything… better. He would have never even thought about marrying, yet here he was.

Erwin stood up and lied beside her, wrapping an arm around her, and bringing her on top of him. She giggled and began pressing kisses on his chest, his neck, his cheekbone, reaching his lips. She kissed him sweet and tender, and he sighed in her mouth. He wrapped his fingers around her hair, guiding her face closer, deepening the kiss.

Her legs parted around his waist planting on the bed around him. Her body was so small and weightless, lying on top of his own. He let go of her lips and he cupped her face to look up at her.

I love you.

Say it.

Say it!

He parted his lips to do so, but he failed. Why was he still struggling? He had already ruined every plan, every step, every move. He had already ruined the future he had planned out for himself – some meaningless death out in the battlefield that he kept fooling himself it would mean something, and it would inspire the future generations to keep fighting.

That was all that he had planned out for himself. He never planned to love someone. To want someone so badly. He never wanted anything as much as he wanted her and that was wrong, because saving humanity was all that should matter to him. But it wasn’t even about pleasure anymore. He didn’t need pleasure; he didn’t care about how much of it he could extract from her. He just needed to know she was alright and safe and happy, and beside him. Maybe that was another reason why he had married her.

No one would dare lay a finger now on his precious little girl. She was his and it was official, and it made him feel… safer. He wasn’t the perfect man. He was crippled and tired and couldn’t give her what she wanted. He couldn’t give her everything she wanted. He couldn’t give her reassurance and reliability and clarity. He couldn’t give her anything but someone else could, and eventually, she would find someone else, and she would leave him and that scared him more than anything.

He caught her rear, her hip and he urged her to drag her wet core all over his hard cock that was trapped between their bodies. He let out a groan and she gasped. Her clit rubbed deliciously all over his length that was pressed against her abdomen. She clutched her fingers on his chest, his shoulders and she moved again and again, till a mixture of his precum and her own wetness had made a sticky hot mess between their bodies.

No one would ever have her like this. And even if he died one day in some mission, some sick part of him wished she’d never let any other man touch her like he did. His hand reached for her hair, pulling them, urging her to look at him.

“You’re mine, Nathalie,” He growled and bit down on her lip harshly enough to leave down a mark. She whimpered. He had never been insecure about any relationship, but she made him so insecure and mad for her. Insane on the thought of her leaving. His fingers clenched in her hair. “Are you going to ride daddy’s cock? Show you love him? Be my good girl,”

“Yes! Yes, daddy, anything… anything for you,” She pressed her hands on his chest so that she could sit up. She took his hard cock in her warm, trembling palm and she released a warm globe of spit, landing on the tip of his cock. She smeared it all over with her palm and he groaned and gritted his teeth

She pulled herself up on her knees and she guided his cock to her hole. Nathalie sank down on his cock slowly and she whimpered and threw her head back. She panted hard. She was never going to get used to his girth. He always stretched her out so good and it burned but she loved it. Always reaching so very deep, she pressed her hand in her tummy and could feel him there, pressing snuggly against her cervix and threatening to break into her womb.

She was squeezing him so hard, and her legs were twitching, trying to close, but she was going to be his good girl and keep them parted for him. She was his wife now. It was within her obligations to love him like this whenever he wanted to. She brought her hand down to rub her clit and she let out the sweetest sounds. Her grip around his cock loosened slightly from the stimulation and he sighed. If she kept it up, he would cum on the spot and it would be unacceptable of him to reach climax before her.

She pressed her arms on his chest for leverage as she began to move. She was so fucking beautiful right there, on top of him, humping on his cock with her pretty sounds escaping her parted, bitten lips. He supported her movements with a hand on her buttcheek.

It was all so sensual and pleasurable. She had dreamt of this day for so long. She never thought they’d get to this. He was so handsome beneath her. Strong hips lifted up to meet her thrusts. His cock reached deeper and deeper. His arm lingered on her waist and slipped up to her neck. His thumb found her parted lips and slipped inside her mouth, pressing on her sweet tongue. She sucked on his thumb obediently and he gritted his teeth. Her clit rubbed on his pelvic bone and it almost sent her over the edge. She squealed and he pulled his thumb out of her mouth.

“I’m… I’m gonna cum… I’m gonna cum, daddy, please let me cum… I’ll be good… I’ll be good, I promise… just wanna be good…”

He couldn’t help but take it proudly upon himself the fact that he could make a freaking Burgess – the smartest person on the world – so dumb over him, his cock, himself.

“Go ahead. The building is empty right now. Scream for me, Nat,”

His hand settled on her neck. Rough, thick fingers wrapped around her neck into a perfect grip that didn’t restrict her breathing. He wanted to feel the muscles flinch beneath his grip while she screamed for him. He wanted to hear her.

One, two, three more thrusts and she was coming apart. She let out the hottest shout he had ever heard. She trembled on top of him and halted her movements. One hand gripped around the wrist of his arm that was still around her neck, keeping her from collapsing on his chest. But, fuck, she was so fucking hot.

He let go of her neck and she collapsed down on his chest, panting, and shaking and shuddering from the orgasm that crushed down on her like a landslide. Erwin bended his knees and yanked both her arms behind her back. He kept her wrists bound to the small of her back with his own hand and he started fucking up into her without letting her come down her orgasm.

She wailed out in the overstimulation. The wet sound of his balls slapping against her ass were almost as loud as her pretty little screams. It was probably the first time he wasn’t forcing her to muffle herself, but right now, even if some troops had made it back to the HQ after the coronation – which he greatly doubted because the celebrations hadn’t even begun – he didn’t care whether they’d hear her.

“T- Too much! Daddy! S’ too much! I’m… I’m gonna cum again, please… please…”

He kept fucking up into her, fast and rough, without any regard in her loud screams that were so delicious in his ears. His pretty little girl. He hadn’t used her like this in such a long time.

Erwin wished Levi could see this. He wished he could see how well he was fucking her. How loud he was making her scream. How he was the first man to show her how to ride a cock or how to suck it like a good slut. How he was the first and only man that had corrupted sweet little Nathalie and had her tight little hole gaping around his cock.

He changed his angle, knocking boldly against her sweet spot over and over and pretty tears ran down her cheeks. She came around him again, sobbing in his neck, clenching so hard around his cock that drove and out of her fast and hard. He came inside of her, reaching so very deep, dumping his cum in her womb and stopping with a few more thrusts, halting deep.

He released her hands and they landed limply on his sides. She pressed a kiss on his neck and nuzzled there. Both took a moment to pant and catch their breath. He pressed a kiss on her temple and he held her tightly for a while.

He loved her so much. He looked down at her and he brushed a few sweaty locks of hair away from her forehead, her cheek, her face. He caressed her cheek with the back of his fingers and she supported his hand on her face, pressing a warm, wet kiss on his open palm. He smiled and cupped her cheek, urging her to lift her face up and look down at her beloved man.  

“Do you remember… the first time we met?” Maybe he couldn’t tell her he loved her, but he could tell her something even sweeter.

She giggled. “How can I forget?” She cupped his cheek and smiled fondly down at him. “You were… ten, and I was five, and I was…” she laughed “terribly shy.”

He chuckled. “You were so shy and unsociable that your parents were actually worried,” she laughed again. The sound of her laughter made his heart flutter. “So, our parents arranged for us to meet because you would literally not even approach any other kid in our neighbourhood any other way,”

“Okay! I was shy, I get it!” Her cheeks grew a bright red right away. But he was right. The only way she’d ever get a friend was if her parents literally recruited one. “I wasn’t unsociable, I was just aware from a very young age, that I… hated the concept of… interacting with other people,” that’s exactly what unsociable is, dumbass.

He let out a hearty laugh and his chest bounced beneath her. She couldn’t help but laugh too. “And here I come, searching for a little girl, but all I find is a lock of hair flying out from behind of Mrs Grace’s skirt,” he brushed her hair behind her ear, and it was as if he could see that little girl in front of him this very instant. “And behind that skirt, hid the most precious, beautiful little girl,” he smiled at her and her cheeks got an even darker shade of red. She was adorable back then; she was still adorable now.

“I’m Erwin! What’s your name?”

“…N- Nat… Nathalie…”

“And then you took me by the hand… and put me on your team, and… that was the first time I ever played with someone,”

Nathalie pressed the palm of her hand on top of his own and his hand compared to her own was still just as big as it was back then. Not much had changed. There was still that sweet little boy in him somewhere. This war hadn’t taken it all from him. He was still the man she would forever love.

He looked at his blistered, larger fingers that embraced her own and engulfed them with minimal effort. Her skin was far paler than his own, and softer and tender. She laced their fingers together and she pressed kisses on his rough knuckles.

“My strong man,” She pressed kisses all over his hand. “I’ve dreamt of this day for so long,” She smiled. “I think I fell when I watched you leave to join the training corps,” she was but a fifteen-year-old teenage girl back then. But he was twenty when he left and he was so handsome, every girl in the neighbourhood was trying to get his attention. Nathalie had all his attention and the other girls hated her for it, but she couldn’t care the least. She chuckled. “Of course, I thought it was just a teenage crush that would wither away with time but… it never did,”

He pecked her lips and she giggled. His pretty little girl had been wanting him for so long. God, he adored her.

Marrying her was – admittedly – a decision he hadn’t thought through. But he would never regret it. Never. Come what may.

He flipped them over with a swift, single move and her back was knocked against the bed. A gasp erupted out of her, but she burst out in laughter. He was hovering on top of her before she knew it. A smile on his lips and messy blonde hair falling on his forehead. Blue eyes looked down at her in utter fondness and his elbow sank on the bed beside her, slightly above her head.

She traced his chest with her soft fingers till she reached his face and cupped his cheeks. “See? You really, really don’t need a second arm to move me around,”

He chuckled. His sweet Nathalie, always trying to make him feel better. She was there for him when his father died. Always there for him.

“You may be right,” He pressed a kiss on her forehead, and he looked down at her. “But I do need a second arm…” his smile slightly faded, “…I need it to cup your cheek without crushing you… and I need it to hold you even tighter so that… you’ll never leave… I need it to protect you, I need it to fight-”

She cupped both his cheeks making sure she had his attention. “You don’t have to protect me-”

“Yes, I do. You’re my wife, I-”

“You’re already protecting me,” She cut him and from the slightly confused look in his eyes she immediately bit the inside of her cheek. A small punishment. She couldn’t tell him, but he was keeping her safe from her own mind. Her demons. Those shadows that he had helped her ignore so very easily all day today. She smiled at him. “You’re protecting me from myself,” He parted his lips to ask but she didn’t let him. “And you don’t need to hold me tighter. I will never leave,”

He chuckled. “You’re the most stubborn woman I know,”

She grinned. “Thank goodness,”

Notes:

Sneak Peek in the Next Chap:

“WHERE ARE THEY?!” Hange finally burst out and Moblit arched an eyebrow.

“Who?”

“ERWIN AND NAT DAMMIT!”

“Well, they’re probably in some back alley having fun,” Moblit grinned mischievously but Hange finally turned her attention to him.

“All these hours?!”

“Well, that’s Commander Erwin Smith we’re talking about,” Moblit shrugged and took another sip from his beer.

Hange sighed. “I know. Lucky girl,”

Chapter 69: Celebrations

Notes:

TYSM FOR THE AWESOME SUPPORT 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

This chapter is UWU and i got a lil surprise for u (that im sure you really don't care about AHAHAH) BUT nat and erwin dance in this chapter and I wrote the soundtrack they dance to.

Yes I write music too ehehehe

Here is Erwin and Nathalie's Theme . It is written on a 20-instrument orchestra and I TRIED to make it cinematic BUT IM NOT a professional composer and pls note that nobody has taught me shit, I'm self-taught when it comes to composing music OK???

SO IF YOU'RE A MUSICIAN, DONT' BE A HARSH JUDGE !!!! yes yes ok i know it sounds bad at some point but sssssshhhhhh

Ahem, ofc, All rights reserved ©️ this is an original work that solely belongs to the composer (me).

If you try and steal my theme, im going to hunt down your ass (yes, i can hack you remotely and you won't even have the time realise why your smart car is on fire)

ok ive annoyed you enough denjkefheijw

Actually imma annoy you a lil more BUT here is a rough sketch of erwin and nat dancing uwu

actually i accidentally gave him a second arm AHAHAH AND she's supposed to be a loooooot shorter but imma colorise it and fix the height difference and replace this with the final piece when im done

ok you can now get on with the chap wdjefijok

---

Everything was very suspicious. Where are they?!

Hange was staring at some random spot in some random wall. The celebrations after the Queen’s coronation had just begun. It was night now and the orchestra was playing dances and waltzes. There was plenty of food being served and most importantly, ale. All the Scout and Garrison officers were wasted already, not to mention the people that stormed the capital just to celebrate. It didn’t seem like anybody would be going home tonight. Couples were dancing, people were laughing, and chatting, and drinking, and eating.

It was a continuous buzz of laughter accompanied with music, but Hange had yet to finish her first bottle of ale. She was thinking.

Where… the hell are they?!

Nobody had seen Erwin and Nathalie since the beginning of the day. As a matter of fact, she was the last one to see them the very same morning when they took a different turn on their way to the palace. It was very, very suspicious. All the commanders were supposed to be present during the Queen’s coronation, yet Erwin had the balls to ignore that.

Well, everybody knew Erwin had the balls to ignore God himself – if there was one. Nothing could stop this man from getting something that he had set his eyes on. Erwin and Nathalie were up to something. It couldn’t be just a simple hook up. It wouldn’t last this many hours… right?

“Section Commander?! I thought you’d be wasted by now!” Moblit approached from behind with his own third bottle of beer, but still completely – ­regrettably – sobber.

“Can’t drink. Can’t think when drunk. I’ve been thinking,” Hange continued staring intensely at that particular wall. She wasn’t even turned at the couples that were dancing nearby to the music.

Moblit arched an eyebrow. “You’re always thinking,”

“That’s what makes me different from most people,” Hange smirked.

He sighed and stood beside her, but he turned to watch the couples dance. After a few sips of beer he finally asked. “A penny for your thoughts?”

“WHERE ARE THEY?!” Hange finally burst out and Moblit arched an eyebrow.

“Who?”

“ERWIN AND NAT DAMMIT!”

“OH!”

Honestly, he had no idea. He hadn’t seen them since the same morning.

“Well, they’re probably in some back alley having fun,” Moblit grinned mischievously but Hange finally turned her attention at him.

“All these hours?!”

“Well, that’s Commander Erwin Smith we’re talking about,” Moblit shrugged and took another sip from his beer.

Hange sighed. “I know. Lucky girl,”

Moblit nearly spat out his beer, but managed to swallow it just in time. He turned and looked at her in disbelief. “WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!” He couldn’t believe he had just said this.

“WHAT?!” Hange cried out. “He’s hot. Everybody thinks so. I think I caught a bunch of cadets talking about how much they wanted to jump his bones,”

“And you’re telling me you want to… too!?”

Hange grinned in amusement. “Is that jealousy, Mobby?”

His cheeks grew a bright red right away. “OF COURSE, NOT! I’m just… concerned…”

“Concerned that I might want someone else other than you?”

“WHAT?! WE’RE NOT EVEN TOGETHER!”

“YET!”

“Ahem,”

They both snapped out of it when they realised Nathalie and Erwin were actually there. Moblit and Hange tried immediately to change the subject and pretend they weren’t just talking about them.

“H- Hey! N- Nat!”

“C- Commander, s- sir!”

Both Nathalie and Erwin were dressed up. She, in a black skirt, a white shirt and her green Survey Corps coat on top. He, in a white buttoned up shirt and black pants, his own green coat on top. Both were wearing their green bolo ties, and they seemed pretty normal. It would show if they were making out in the back of some building. They would both be dishevelled and messy, but no.

“Where were you guys?!” Hange couldn’t hold it in anymore. She was absolutely certain something was up, and she was going to make it her life’s mission to find out. Nathalie never kept secrets. She was her best friend.

“W- We were just-”

Nathalie stopped talking when she realised Hange caught both her left hand and Erwin’s hand searching their fingers for any rings. They had gotten married, hadn’t they?! But the rings weren’t there, and Nathalie was so grateful for Erwin’s idea to tie the rings in strings around their necks. They didn’t want to make their wedding a big deal even though they would certainly find out sooner or later.

“No rings,” Hange groaned. Her assumption was wrong. She let go of their arms and brought her hand to her chin thoughtfully.

“Hange! What the Commander and Nathalie do in their private lives is no business of ours!” Moblit scolded her.

“Cut the bullshit, Mobby! Of course, it’s my business! I’m supposed to be the maid of honour!”

Nathalie laughed. “Of course, you would be! But not yet, darling,” She gave Hange a smile, but she could tell she was doing a terrible job at convincing her.

“Now, if you’ll excuse us, let’s get something to eat,” Erwin changed the subject entirely and Nathalie wrapped her arm around his own.

“Good idea, darling, I’m starving,”

The two walked away just as fast, without any explanation given. No questions answered. Hange groaned. If anything, Nathalie was an expert when it came to avoiding answering a question.

“I hate it when she does that,” Hange frowned.

Moblit placed a hand on her shoulder. “C’mon, let’s get something to eat too,”

Nathalie sighed in relief as she walked alongside Erwin within the crowd of people. There was food served everywhere on wooden benches, but her stomach made an unexpected churn and she let out another sigh in annoyance this time. Her stomach was almost as stubborn as herself sometimes. She knew it was all about psychosomatic issues. Anxiety had done a number on her body, but she had learned to deal with it. She just wouldn’t eat anything tonight.

It was a shame because the food smelled delicious.

“Are you okay?” Erwin asked and she looked up at him giving him a smile.

She nodded. “I’m alright. I’m just not exactly starving,”

He chuckled. There was once a time when she was enjoying food more than anything, but that was when the two of them were still careless children. She would stuff her face with whatever her mom made, and her blown cheeks would always look so cute. He hadn’t seen her like this ever since he left to join the military, and when he returned back, she was changed. She had had a rough time in the university with all that bullying that the MPs had stirred against her. Erwin wasn’t there for her.

He never really was there for her.

But he had promised himself now to do right by her.

“That’s a shame. This food certainly seems like it beats our daily porridge,” Erwin nodded his chin at the benches. There was even meat being served. A very, very rare occurrence.

“Anything beats that porridge,” Nathalie grinned and he let out a soft laugh.

“Have you eaten anything today?” Erwin asked and she paused their walking for a moment and began to think. She cringed. He wasn’t going to like her answer, but she couldn’t lie to him either.

“I’ve… had… some breakfast,” Nathalie answered hesitantly and looked up at him apologetically. He released her arm and he cupped her cheek, turning to face her.

“Nathalie,” He sighed. He needed her to be healthy. She had to fight off her anorexic tendencies. “Would you do everything I ask you?” He already knew the answer, but he also had to remind her.

“O- Of course! Anything,”

“Then, I ask you to start eating again. Normally. Three meals a day at least-”

She sighed. “Erwin-”

“Anything you want. I’ll afford it,”

She cupped both his cheeks. “It’s alright, my love!” She chuckled. “I know you feel responsible for me, my health, my safety, but you needn’t worry,”

His arm rested on her waist. “You know I can’t help it,”

She smiled. “I know,” her sweet man. But he really shouldn’t worry. She could take care of herself just fine.

“Now, get something to eat,” Erwin nodded his head over to the benches and she groaned. He frowned “That’s an order,” he said sternly, and she laughed.

“Okay, okay!”

She would literally do anything for him. She had taken all the pain and done everything he ever asked. Surely, eating shouldn’t be a problem if he asked her to. And after having dinner and talking for a while, they each grabbed a bottle of beer and took a walk around the large square full of people. Many stopped by to talk to Erwin – being the Commander of the Survey Corps, many people recognised him both military and citizens.

“Erwin!” A familiar voice came from behind and both turned to see Nile approach them.

Erwin wrapped his arm around Nathalie’s waist right away. Good thing he had finished his beer and he had no bottle to hold on to. His arm was free to wrap tightly around her. He didn’t know why he had done it in the first place. The last time Nile was around Nathalie he had been extremely touchy and grabby.

It had made Erwin unfathomably jealous. He wouldn’t let it happen again this time. But he shouldn’t be all that worried. They were married now. Nile didn’t know about it, and no one really did, but Nathalie knew it. She knew she was bound to Erwin now, so whatever moves Nile or Levi or anybody else did on her, she’d come crawling back to him. Nathalie was an honourable woman. She would never cheat on him. Erwin trusted her with his life.

But it still didn’t make his possessiveness subside.

“You both look a little less crap than you did a few days ago. Glad to see that,” Nile commented with a small smile and Nathalie laughed.

“I’ve been sleeping two days straight, I bet that had something to do with it,” Nathalie shrugged.

“I hope you forced him to sleep too. I know this dumbass never sleeps,” Nile pressed a hand on Erwin’s shoulder. With the way Erwin was gripping his arm around her he could tell those two were together. Nile chuckled. “Damn, I owe Miche thirty coins,”

“Pardon?” Erwin arched an eyebrow.

“When you guys find Miche let me know,” Nile took a sip from his beer. “I’ve been working on a case myself, in the Interior Military Police Headquarters. We found the entire interior MPs squad dead outside the broken door of a cell,”

Nathalie’s eyes widened and she chewed on her lip, suppressing her panic right away. Those were undoubtedly the soldiers that she had murdered without even realising it. The Interior MP squad was the only MP squad that actually had some skill. But she had killed them all. She could still remember breaking through the fat, metallic door and beating and shooting, and killing every last one of them. She had been so exhausted, so infuriated. She had actually let it have full control. She had let it kill and tear people to pieces.

But no one should find out about this.

“Broken?” Erwin asked. He was already trying to figure out what had happened. “Did they have a prisoner inside?”

Nile nodded. “They did. The problem is that whatever prisoner they had, it couldn’t have been human. No human can break out of those cells,”

“I’ve seen them,” Erwin nodded. The doors were pure, thick metal. A titan could certainly make it budge, but it would take a great amount of power to snap it. “Is it possible they held a titan?” Erwin asked, even though he was already guessing a possible answer, and he got just that.

“The cell was small. It couldn’t have been more than a two meter one,” Nile said. “Still, if the titan had escaped, it would have been wreaking havoc in the city and we wouldn’t be having this fine celebration,”

“Considering the interior MPs had access to the labs beneath the palace, was human experimentation possible?” Erwin turned and looked at Nathalie and she tried to keep it together.

“Well…” Nathalie’s fingers were messing with her green coat nervously “…we found no subjects within the labs but if they had any, they would hold them within cells. If one has escaped, you should keep an eye out of any abnormal activity within the capital,” Nathalie looked at Nile and he nodded.

“Good idea. I will test all possibilities,” Nile said. He would have opened another conversation but a soldier from behind called out for him, and he smiled at them both. “Excuse me. Enjoy the evening!”

Nathalie couldn’t even force a smile. If they found out it was her, what were they going to do to her? She bit the inside of her cheek hard enough to hurt. She was in deep trouble if they found out about this. Murder was not treated lightly within the capital. And about Miche… Nathalie felt an uncomfortable pit in her stomach and her fingers were still messing with the long fabric of her green coat.

“You haven’t finished your beer yet,” Erwin looked down at her and she snapped out of it. She had almost forgotten she was holding onto a bottle with her other hand. She forced a smile.

“About time I did,” She brought her beer to her lips and chugged it down with a gulp, emptying it entirely and leaving it on a nearby table. She turned and looked at him. “Let’s dance,” she needed something to keep her distracted.

His eyes almost widened. He couldn’t remember the last time he had danced. “I… well…”

Erwin looked over at the couples nearby. How the men lifted up their women with both their arms to the climaxes of the upbeat waltz. But he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t swing her around with just one arm. He couldn’t even give her a dance like she desired – a request that was just so simple, how could he hope to keep her all to himself in the first place?

It was shameful.

He looked down at his missing arm. His sleeve that was limply roaming around depending on his movements and only then did she realise her mistake. She should have never asked for it. She didn’t mean to make him sad and insecure.

“Oh no! It doesn’t have to be waltz! I suck at waltzes!” Nathalie cried out. She grabbed his hand and tried to drag him, but he didn’t budge. “You know what? How about we just go eat some more? Dancing is stupid away, we don’t really need to- it was a stupid request, I- I’m so sorry, I wasn’t thinking-”

Erwin shushed her, crushing his lips on top of her own. He wrapped his arm around her, pressing her close to him while he kissed her. She melted right in, and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, closing her eyes. His sweet girl deserved the world. She deserved so much better.

He pulled back to look at that hazy, lovestruck look in her eyes and he pecked her sweet lips again. He really didn’t care about people watching. The Commander of the Survey Corps was no longer a single man, and nobody was going to waste their chance to talk about it.

But he didn’t care.

“I married you today,” He spoke against her lips and his warm breath fanned across her wet lips, her chin. Blue eyes met her own. “I owe you a dance,”

She licked his taste off her lips. “Fuck, you’re so handsome, I love you so much,” maybe that was the alcohol talking because she had never been so straightforward, but she meant it. This man was so perfect. Strong muscles beneath her hands pressing on his shoulders shifted beneath her fingertips and his hair that he had tucked to perfection before they left, all she could think about was messing them up again.

He chuckled and took one of her hands in his own. The next piece was much slower. Only a few couples stayed to dance it, slowly, staring at each other. It was perfect. Maybe he could manage to give her a slow dance after all.

He took her with him, standing in between the other couples and he wrapped his arm around her. She giggled and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. Her sweet man was so very handsome indeed, staring down at her fondly, and she, up at him. Her face barely reached his chest. She would have to pick herself up on her tiptoes if she wished to reach him slightly. Still, Nathalie buried her face in his chest, pressing her cheek there and closing her eyes.

He buried his face in her hair and he sighed contently. They were so happy right there. Today had been a beautiful day that had finally reached its end, but Nathalie refused to go back to worrying tomorrow. She would have to, though, because she had done terrible things.

She had to find Miche and his squad, dead or not. She had married Erwin while she had killed his best friend. And even after telling him she had killed him, he didn’t believe her and part of her was actually relieved that he didn’t. But she was feeling guilty. She made him so happy, and they only had those two months before everything would be brought to utter ruin.

Her fingers clenched around his open coat and nuzzled tighter into his white shirt, drawing in his scent and sighing. Not today. They still had today and tonight, and the remaining two months. She should grasp onto that time for as much as she could.

That’s why they married now, so rushed and unexpected and secret, because they could get married now – because now was their only chance. So, he held her tight too. This was their first ever dance… and possibly the last.

But it was alright. Loving him came with uncertainty, and she had still chosen it. She would never regret her choice. She could’ve easily run back to Levi – a man who was more than capable of protecting her and himself and a future with him would be more than assured. But she loved just one man and it was naught but the man who was now holding her. Crippled or not, she loved him, and maybe he was beginning to realise that too.

“I love seeing them happy, though,” Hange sighed, taking a sip from her third bottle of beer. Moblit had stopped drinking a while now. He didn’t yet want to get wasted. He was still standing beside her though.

“I agree,” Moblit smiled and crossed his arms against his chest, pressing his weight back against some bench behind him, both staring at the couples dancing. “The Commander and Nat deserve some peace. Especially after getting tortured like that,”

Hange turned and looked at Moblit. “Would you get tortured for me?”

“Of course, I would-” He clamped a hand around his mouth, stopping himself from saying anything further. He shouldn’t have let this slip out! Damn alcohol!

“HA! YOU LIKE ME!” Hange pointed a finger at him.

“I MEANT that I’d… endure some torturing for the sake of my duties as… a Vice-Captain of the Survey Corps…” Moblit tried his best not to stutter.

“Admit it, Mobby,” She poked a finger on his shoulder. “I’m all you think about,” Hange grinned in amusement.

“YES, YOU ARE, BECAUSE all YOU think about is GETTING YOURSELF EATEN BY A TITAN and I’m tasked with keeping your CRAZY ASS SAFE!”

Hange gasped. “DID YOU JUST CALL ME CRAZY?!”

“I DID!” Moblit cried out. “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?!”

Hange grasped him by the collar of his coat and dragged him close till her lips were crushing on top of his own and she was kissing him hard. Honestly, he had been waiting for this to happen for such a long time now, so Moblit wasted no second in deepening the kiss and picking her up with ease. Hange wrapped her legs around his waist and buried her fingers in his hair, kissing him harder. He groaned in her mouth, and he pulled back to look at her. She had a small smile of amusement. He knew just how much she loved getting on his nerves.

“You make me so damn angry,”

Hange laughed. “Good!” She grinned mischievously. “Do you know what a hate fuck is?”

“That’s the only kind of fuck I know,”

“Doubtful, but I’ll take it!”

༻◊۞◊༺

He hated this. Actually, Levi hated a lot of things – himself included. How he handled things. He could win a fight against all odds with bare hands and hundreds of enemies, but when it came to a relationship – when it came to interacting with other people – he was hopeless. He was absolutely hopeless, and Nathalie knew that. She was just as hopeless as he was, but being with her, it was alright. The two of them had taught each other everything they had to know. She never required of him to lead the relationship. They led it together.

And there she was, in all her plain perfection, but dancing with another man. Looking up at Erwin with that same look that she had given Levi so many times before. He had missed her looking at him like this. He missed her. He missed her so much, but then there was Petra – and Petra… Petra just wasn’t Nathalie. She wasn’t Nathalie. No one was.

“How about… we dance?” Petra’s voice came hesitant from beside him and he huffed tiredly, finishing his beer with a last sip, and turning around to leave.

“I don’t dance,”

He knew it was so terrible of him. Levi wasn’t like this. Levi was supposed to be gentle and kind and respectful. Levi should respect and love his woman and treat her like a princess. And once upon a time, he had been all of these. But now he was bitter. Nathalie would either bring out the best in him or she would just trigger the worst version of himself.

Petra did not deserve that treatment, and he knew that, and he beat himself mentally so many times, but he just couldn’t stop himself. Maybe he would just spend another night drinking himself to sleep.

“You would for her,” Petra couldn’t hold it in anymore.

She had tried so hard not to fight with him about this, but deep down she knew it wasn’t Nathalie. It wasn’t Nathalie’s fault he had kissed her the other night that she had caught them. It wasn’t Nathalie’s fault that Levi was obsessed with her. It was all Levi, but Petra loved him and she had chosen to believe otherwise – she had chosen to overlook that tiny, destructive detail, but she couldn’t keep loving a man who would never return the feeling. Maybe deep down she didn’t mind him using her because she genuinely loved him, but he at least owed her some clarity.

“I know you love her…” Petra looked down, trying her best not to burst into tears “…you love her more than you could ever love me.”

Levi kept his back turned on her and he didn’t know what to say. She was right. If she hated him, he wouldn’t blame her. He was a terrible man. He was many things. He was a murderer, a thug, a heartless captain who had sent so many of his comrades to their deaths. He was a bounty hunter – once upon a time, in the Underground. He had done so many terrible things.

But he had never disrespected a woman like this and Petra deserved none of it.

His silence was enough of an indication for her to know that she was speaking the truth. “I just… I wonder… why?” A tear ran down her cheek without permission. “Why do you still… keep me around? Why do you…” she sniffled and held back a sob which ultimately erupted from her chest anyway and she buried her face in her hands.

“I don’t keep you around…” Levi was still not facing her, “…you’re the one who chooses to stay.” No. That was so wrong and fucked up, on so many levels. He was using her to forget Nathalie. He had been doing it for a while. Levi approached her and finally looked at her. “I must get over her. I will,” He tried to reassure her, cupping her face and wiping the tears off her cheeks.

“No…” Petra shook her head “…you’ll never get over her. She was your first love. Just as you are mine,” honey brown eyes met his own, full of sadness and sorrow and he hated himself more than anything.

Hurting Petra was the greatest crime he had committed yet.

“I get it though,” Petra sniffled and tried to gather her composure. She looked at Nathalie and Erwin still dancing. “She’s a Burgess. She’s special… she’s perfect. All it takes is a smile and everyone’s in love with her,”

Levi agreed, but he chose not to speak about it. He would only worsen things. He took out a handkerchief and handed it to her. He looked away from her in shame. He never thought he could mess up something so much.

“I never meant to… hurt you or… make you jealous-”

“I’m not jealous,” Petra cut him. “She takes gentle and kind people and tramples all over everything that’s good about them, and she brings out the worst in them,” Petra breathed shakily. Partly furious, partly sad beyond measure. “She did it to me… she did it to you… she’ll do it to the Commander as well,”

 

 

 

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Nex Chap:

Levi was trying his best not to look at either of them. He couldn’t tell whether he was uncomfortable or just furious.

“Show him the ring,” Erwin said.

Her eyes widened. He meant her wedding ring, right? Wasn’t it supposed to be a secret? But maybe, he just wanted Levi to know. Levi was a male threat that he wanted to eliminate. Had Erwin married her only because he wanted to prove to Levi that he had won? Was that the sole reason Erwin had married her for?

Still, she did what her husband had asked. She reached for that string around her neck, and she pulled out the ring that hanged there, showing it to Levi, just as Erwin had asked.

Chapter 70: Honeymoon Mood 🟥

Notes:

LMAO THIS CHAP is 6k words, there's a fight bw the couple, there's some angst, there's hot smut (tw for breeding kink btw) there's high levelz of UWUNESS and a little more angst ehehehehe

basically, this chap got everything ENJOY!

Nathalie began to stir the next morning to the sound of people talking from the other side of the wall. The door that connected to Erwin’s office was closed, but the walls weren’t thick enough to keep sound from not penetrating. Erwin must have woken up hours ago. His side was cold, and she sighed. She had to get up too, she couldn’t believe she had slept in. Usually, she’d wake up only just a few seconds after him. But the clock on the wall read 10:23 am and her eyes widened.

Fuck!

She had never slept that much!

She jumped out of the bed and rushed to the bathroom to wash up her face. She had to get back to her quarters and grab a new set of clothes. For now though, she fixed the bed and fluffed up the pillows. She opened the window and the curtains to allow fresh air and sunlight in. She wrapped her white silky robe around her body tightly before walking to his office.

“Erwin, I’m going to-” she stopped talking when she realised Levi was there too, standing in front of Erwin’s desk.

Erwin was sitting on his desk, a bunch of papers all over the surface. Light came from his window behind him and only then did she realise there were boxes all over the place. Was Erwin moving his stuff somewhere? No. It didn’t look like his stuff were in those boxes. It was her own belongings. She recognised her books, her notebooks, her clothes.

Despite her confusion, she prioritised giving Levi a smile and greeting him. “Hello, Levi,”

She smiled at him, but she couldn’t quite read the look on his face. He merely nodded to show he acknowledged her presence. What was Levi doing there? He wasn’t dressed in his gear, so she assumed Erwin didn’t have to send him to some mission. But they both seemed slightly pissed over something that she couldn’t quite tell.

Nathalie walked around the desk to stand behind Erwin. She placed a hand on his shoulder and his hand stopped writing down. He rested his pen down and he took her hand in his own, both resting on his shoulder.

“Good morning, darling,” Nathalie said sweetly. “But… what are my… stuff doing here?”

Levi was trying his best not to look at either of them. He couldn’t tell whether he was uncomfortable or just furious.

“Show him the ring,” Erwin said, neglecting her question entirely.

Her eyes widened. Did he really mean that? He meant her wedding ring, right? Wasn’t it supposed to be a secret? But maybe, he just wanted Levi to know. Levi was a male threat that he wanted to eliminate. Nathalie bit her tongue. It was uncomfortable and she wanted to talk to Erwin about this… insecurity but she didn’t blame him either. Levi had indeed tried many times to win her back, but Erwin’s stance wasn’t really helping the situation either.

That small smirk on Erwin’s face especially. He was proud because he had married her – because she had chosen him and him alone. He was proud because he had something with her that no one ever would.

And then there was another terrifying possibility. Had Erwin married her only because he wanted to prove to Levi that he had won? Was that the sole reason Erwin had married her for?

No. Nathalie refused to believe that. But still, it remained a terrifying little thought at the back of her mind.

Still, she did what her husband had asked. She reached for that string around her neck, and she pulled out the ring that hanged there, showing it to Levi, just as Erwin had asked.

Levi’s face was still unreadable to her. She had almost lost the skill to be able and understand what he thought and felt via just a look at him. But maybe she shouldn’t mourn the loss of that skill. She had let go of Levi for such a long time now because she genuinely loved Erwin – that’s why she had married him in the first place. She loved him dearly. Although, she would certainly scold Erwin after Levi was dismissed.

“If there’s nothing else,” Levi said. “I have things to do,”

“Dismissed,” Erwin finally said, and Levi walked out the door planning to take out his anger on some poor cadets today.

Nathalie smacked Erwin on his shoulder and his annoying little smirk disappeared. “What-?!” Erwin tried to speak but she cut him.

“What the hell was that?!”

“What was what?!”

“This!” She pointed a finger to the door and he turned and looked at her furious face. “He was pissed. I could tell. What did you say to him before I showed up?”

Erwin frowned and turned his attention back on his paperwork. He pulled the pen back in his fingers and began writing again. “That is none of your concerns,”

She could have exploded on the spot. “None of my concerns?! Am I supposed to ignore the fact that your possible main drive for marrying me was proving to Levi that… that you’re better?” She didn’t even know how to phrase it.

“I’m proving him that you’re mine. I know our marriage is supposed to be a secret, but certain people must know,”

“People like Levi… people who threaten to steal me from you…” Nathalie made her small assumption out loud “…people who threaten to wound your ego.”

That final sentence snapped something in him. Erwin tossed down his pen, spilling excess ink from its tip to the papers, and he turned and grabbed her wrist, shoving her down to him powerfully. She yelped and crashed on her knees at his unexpected manhandling. And maybe he had surprised himself just as much, but he was furious.

“Yes, I married you because I wanted to prove something,” Erwin growled. “But that’s not even a quarter of my reasons of marrying you. I married you because I want you to be mine and I want everyone to know that you are. I married you because you’re making me feel things I can’t even recognise. You make me weak and insecure and possessive and mad, but I can hardly get enough of it.”

She let out a small wince and only then did he realise that his grip around her wrist was so damn tight. What was he doing?! He was never one to lose his resolve like this. He would never hurt her, yet, he had bruised her wrist and he had yanked her on her knees without even realising. Guilt and shame dawned on him. Nathalie was his wife. His sweet little wife, so small and precious, and he was a much larger, stronger man. He should treat her with gentleness unlike what he had just done. This was so unlike him.

What was she doing to him? She was making him be a whole different man.

But his words – his words brought her to heaven. She never thought she’d have that effect on him. You’re making me feel things I can’t even recognise. He loved her. He loved her so much, how dare she think otherwise? Erwin Smith was a man with purpose, and he would never marry anyone because he had dedicated himself to that purpose – but he made an exception for her because he loved her.

“I… I’m so sorry, Nathalie, please, forgive me…” he brought her hand to his lips, pressing a kiss on her bruised wrist right away, but she cupped his cheeks and she smiled at him sweetly.

“It’s alright,” She pecked his lips. “It’s alright, my love. But you won, you were always the winner because I always did and always will love you. I married you. Please forget all about Levi. Don’t toss oil into the fire,”

“I’m not scared of him.”

“Yes, you are. That’s why you’re insecure and possessive. But there’s no reason for you to be because I’m yours and I need you to get that through that thick head of yours,” she giggled on that final part and a small smile spread on his lips.

She was right. There was no doubt. What would he do without her to be around to talk to him like this? But his silence made her think she hadn’t yet convinced him. So, Nathalie let go of his face and she leaned her hands on his lap burying her face there. A small smile on her lips as she sighed and closed her eyes.

“Fine. I’ll stay here until you do,”

His eyes widened. “N- Nathalie, what are you- get back up, you’ll-”

“Hush. You’re the only man I’d ever kneel in front of. You’ll do well to just sit back and enjoy that fact,”

Fuck, it wasn’t fit for her to kneel in front of anyone. But he knew he was the only man who would get that sight. His pretty girl, on his feet, pressing her cheek on his leg, on his lap. She was so beautiful like this, but it did not suit her. Erwin Smith’s wife shouldn’t and must never kneel.

He petted her hair, and she hummed a needy purr. His sweet little kitten. He caught her chin and he urged her to pull her head up. He leaned down to her, and he caught her sweet lips in his own. His tongue explored her sweet mouth, cupping her cheek. His large fingers around her neck, his thumb pressed on her lower lip to keep her wet lips parted when he pulled from the kiss.

He released a hot globe of spit to land on her tongue and she swallowed it right away. His familiar taste filled her mouth and she let out a pretty moan. He wrapped his arm around her, and he picked her up, settling her on his lap as if she weighed nothing. She giggled and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. She caught his lips again, letting him taste her as she buried her fingers in his hair and pressed herself against him.

She pulled back to look at him. “I’m yours. Don’t you ever think otherwise, is that understood?”

He chuckled. “Yes, ma’am,”

She smacked his chest and frowned. “I’m being serious!”

He chuckled and kissed her again, and again, and he pulled from her lips to bury his face in her neck, starting to press wet, open-mouthed kisses on her perfect skin. He bit down on that sensitive spot on her neck that connected to her shoulder, and she gasped as he laid down a red mark of his teeth.

“I know you’re mine,” He licked the new bruise to ease the sting. “I’m sorry to think otherwise,”

She buried her gentle fingers in his hair, and she pressed a kiss on his temple. “It’s alright my darling, my sweet man… my beloved husband,”

He pulled on the sash that held her robe together and it came apart right away, revealing her pretty legs, her chest. She was still in her nightgown. She wasn’t wearing a bra and the texture of her nipples was shown beneath the thin fabric of her white, sleeveless gown. He caught her one leg, urging her to turn and face him, throwing both her legs around his hips. Knees pressed to his sides bringing their crotches together.

He pushed her robe down her shoulders, letting the useless piece of clothing crash on the floor without a care. And there she was, his pretty girl. Her perfect, scarred chest on full display. Her shoulders and back exposed. He traced the soft skin of her back with his calloused fingers, and she parted her pretty lips in a sweet moan. Shivers rose everywhere his fingers touched. Her glasses still rested on the bridge of her nose, and he was seeing no reason to take them off. She was so beautiful with them.

Her wavy short hair was a brown mess, and her hips were already involuntarily moving her wet core on top of his pants. She had undoubtedly ruined the white, thin fabric of her knickers with her wetness. He pushed her gown up her thigh, grasping her hip, supporting her gentle movements against him.

Her clit rubbed against the zip of his pants, and she gasped, throwing her hands on his shoulders for support. “Fuck…” he made her so damn needy, and she was so fucking hot like this, his cock began to harden beneath his pants. And then the realisation hit her “…E- Erwin, what about the door…?”

“Whoever comes will knock first,” He grunted. He would’ve buried his face in her neck but all he could do was watch her as she so needily rubbed herself on him. He watched her as her pretty lips parted and sweet sounds escaped her throat and fuck she was driving him insane. He took her hand and shoved it between her legs. “Touch yourself, dirty girl,” her movements still did not falter, and his hand slipped back, beneath her gown, gripping her buttcheek, landing a rough blow on the sensitive flesh. It knocked her forward and she whimpered. “Touch yourself and let daddy watch,”

“I- I- ‘m not as good at this as you are, daddy…” she whined pathetically. She pulled her gown up to her stomach with one arm and the other snuck beneath her damp knickers, finding her clit with ease. She rubbed it and she groaned.

“I doubt it, sweetheart,” He grabbed the edge of his desk, and he shoved the entire desk just a few inches closer with a single move. It scratched the floor loudly due to its weight, but the edge of the desk was perfect for her to sit back and press some of her weight against it on the small of her back. “I bet you’ve touched yourself raw all those years… thinking of me.”

Fuck, he knew her so well. There was no saying how many times she had touched herself imagining it was him. Ever since she was a teenager, a student, a cadet, a veteran. He was all she ever thought about.

“I… I have… daddy, yes, y- you’re all I ever think about… been yours all along…”

He pushed her panties to the side, revealing the swollen lips of her pussy, dripping with her sweet nectar and he pretty fingers, rubbing her engorged, pink clit that throbbed for attention.

“Aw, sweet baby, I know,” He looked up at her fucked-out face. She was so fucking beautiful like this. “Show daddy.”

She bit her lip and plunged a finger in her spasming, wet hole. She was so wet. She hadn’t imagined this not even in her wildest imagination. Him, watching her while she pleased herself. She had never been wetter. The squelching sounds of her fingers plunging in her tight cunt were obscene and almost as loud as her moans. She added a finger and searched for her sensitive spot. She gasped when she prodded it with the tips of her fingers.

The palm of her hand pressed against her clit as she worked her fingers against her sweet spot till her body was trembling. Pleasure started gathering beneath her stomach in a tight knot with every swipe of her fingers against her spot and every pressure she added to her clit with her thrusts. Her hips bucked up on her hand and it was taking all the restraint he could muster to not shove her on the table and fuck her this very instant.

“F- Fuck! I’mma cum… ‘m gonna cum, please, daddy, let me cum, let me… let me…”

She was fucking herself silly now, adding a third finger, and stretching herself up, readying herself for his cock. Hips, bucking helplessly against her hand and she was mere seconds before sweet release when he shoved her hand away from her gushing cunt and she cried out.

“No! Please…!” She panted hard. Her hole clenched around nothing in vain and she whined, collapsing on his chest.

“You only cum when my cock’s inside you, understood?” Erwin growled. He couldn’t wait anymore. He grabbed her hand, coated in her wetness and he brought it to his lips, licking her sweet slick off the digits one by one. Everything about her was so damn sweet, she was fucking perfect in absolutely everything.

“Y- Yes, sir,”

“Now, time to take what’s yours,” Erwin shoved her hand on his belt, and he watched her as she unbuckled it and unzipped his pants, pulling out his hard cock. Precum leaked from the tip and her mouth watered.

Nathalie stood off his lap and dropped back down on her knees and he tried to stop her because that’s not what he was planning for her, but she took his cock in her mouth and there was no stopping her now. She took the tip of his cock in her lips, lapping away at the salty precum before leaning further down to push his cock down her throat till she reached the base with her lips.

She caught his heavy balls in her hand, and she squeezed, hollowing her cheeks around his cock. Erwin grunted and threw his head back. He took off her glasses, tossing them somewhere on his desk. He caught her hair, holding them back for her.

“Fuck, N- Nathalie… shit…”

She absolutely loved the way he groaned her name, all breathy and worked up. His hips twitched beneath her as she deepthroated his cock, and she pulled him out. Saliva lingered everywhere. On her chin, on the floor, on her chest. His hot, glistening cock throbbed in her fist as she pumped him, catching her breath before pulling him back into her wet mouth.

When did she get so good at this?! He wasn’t surprised though, because his precious girl was a Burgess, and if anything, when a Burgess set her mind on something, she did it perfectly and right now her mind was set on pleasing him, his precious little girl.

But if she kept it up, he would cum on the spot.

He pulled on her hair, pulling her off his cock, watching her as she panted in a mess of her saliva. His cock, hard and coated slick, and all he could think about was shoving it into her sweet cunt.

His fingers clenched in her hair as he pulled on them, urging her to stand up and sit back down on his lap. She planted her knees to his sides and straddled him. She guided his cock to her hole, and she slowly sank down on him. Her lips parted in a silent cry ending up with helpless gasps and whimpers. No matter how many times they’d have sex or how attentive the prep would be, his cock stretched her to the limits, and it burned so good.

“That’s it,” he petted her hair as she buried her face in his neck and clutched on him needily. “You’re doing so good for me,” he praised sweetly. His breath brushed so warm against her ear and his hand snuck beneath her gown, grasping her hip, her rear urging her to sink down a little further. She gasped and bit down on his skin to hold back a cry. He was so fucking deep; she could feel him in her stomach. He grunted. “So, fucking tight… my sweet little wife… always so fucking tight.”

She pressed kisses on his neck, his chest. She unbuttoned another button of his shirt, sneaking her fingers beneath, touching his warm, scarred skin. She pulled back to press her forehead against his own. His blue eyes bore into her own with absolute lust and longing and fondness. His lips were wet and parted and his hair, a golden mess on his forehead. He pulled his hand from her hip, and he reached for her gown, pushing it down, revealing one of her tender breasts.

He took her nipple in his mouth, and he sucked. Shivers ran down her stomach and she moaned, tightening her fingers in his hair pulling him closer to her. He grunted against her skin and he bit down hard enough to let another mark. His tongue swirled hot and wet and invasive against her peaked nipple and she was going mad.

Nathalie pressed her hands on his shoulders and started moving. She pulled him out slightly only to push back in. Both groaned at the minimal friction. It felt so good. She did it again, and again, and again until she was bouncing on his cock that was now hitting the most favourable spots in her body. He released her breast with a pop, and he watched her breasts bounce with every move, every sweet thrust. Her sounds were getting louder, and he knew she was close.

Her pretty eyes shut tight, and she threw her head back. Her breasts mere inches from his face, and her hole was tightening around him. He buried his hand between their bodies. His rough thumb found her clit with ease, and she cried out at the slightest touch.

“E- Erwin! I- I’m gonna… fuck- please, I’m gonna-”

“Cum for me, baby, cum, cum…”

Her whole body tensed up and her hole spasmed around his throbbing cock as she came all around him. She hadn’t yet come down her high when he picked her up with just one arm and he shoved her on his desk.

“Legs on my shoulders, now,” he ordered roughly. Her legs were still trembling but she obeyed like a good girl and hooked her legs on his shoulders like he had asked. She lied back on the papers as he folded her body in half and somehow forced his cock even deeper. She cried out.

“S’ deep… ‘win, s’ deep- too much!”

“There’s nothing my sweet baby can’t handle,” He took her lips in his own and he kissed her briefly before standing back up and grabbing one of her legs, to hold her while he began thrusting fast and hard with far more power than she could ever muster while riding him. She cried out and her body tensed up.

His cock reached deeper and deeper, this position was allowing him to reach spots inside of her no one had ever reached before. His cock was so hard and girthy and throbbing. He groaned. Her body thrust forward. Her lips parted in a silent cry and she whimpered when the fat tip of his cock pressed hard against her cervix. 

Her pussy convulsed around him in waves and her body shook beneath his grasp. He had her trapped between him and the desk. Her knees were touching her shoulders. He had her entirely folded up and she looked so beautiful and fucked out like this.

Her pretty, wet, swollen lips were parted, and her teeth gritted in a hiss as he pulled out and thrust back in, pressing harder against her cervix.

If he fucked her a little harder, he would break his way in her womb and he was going to breed her without any doubts. He knew her cycle by heart. His pretty little girl who was like jelly in his arms, allowing him to do everything he wanted to her. 

He pulled out and thrust back in with force. She cried out in pain and intense pleasure. He was deeper now. She could feel him on her hand pressing down on her belly. 

“S’ deep... s’ deep, daddy, s’ too much... too much, it hurts...” She was babbling nonsense now, saliva running down the corners of her lips. Pretty little tears starting to form in her eyes. She was so beautiful when she sobbed over his cock.

He petted her hair and swiped his tongue over her lower lip. “I know, baby, I know, but you’re going to be a good girl and take it, right? You’re daddy’s good girl, aren’t you?” 

She nodded frantically and he pecked her lips. Such a good girl always willing to please her daddy. The man that owned her. She was his pretty little wife that he’d fuck like this whenever he’d want to.

“You’re going to give me a son...” 

He grunted, pulling out and thrusting back in, forcing his cock past her cervix and up her womb. She cried out and tears ran down her cheeks, but he licked the salty trails away. Her legs shook on his shoulders, and she tried to close them, but he forced them back open. He picked up his thrusts, one harder than the other. 

“...and a daughter, and another child and another... my sweet little wife,” 

The pressure of her entire body folding in half was making her feel dizzy and lightheaded and his thrusts were getting harder and faster. More than a few piles of papers had dropped on the floor by now, but neither of them cared.

The table was creaking beneath with every invasive thrust.

It felt so good, fucking her so deep, his pelvic bone rubbing her clit and making her body arch. He settled his arm beneath her waist, making sure her lower half was in the air. Making sure the cum that he was about to dump into her wasn’t going slip out. 

She would look so beautiful all plump and full with his child. She would be so needy and whiny and horny all the time. But that was alright, because daddy would forever be willing to fuck his baby dumb just as he was doing right now. Her delicious tongue lolled out of her mouth and her eyes shut tight. Her body tensed with every thrust, every painful hit of his cock on her cervix till it was swollen and allowing him entrance deeper and deeper.

He was fucking her harder now, heavy balls knocking against her ass and pressing his weight against her knees that were surrounding her head now. 

His sweet little masochist. She was clenching around him so hard now. The harder he thrust into her, the closer to orgasm she was getting. Her pretty face twisted in pain and pleasure and cute little sounds escaped her with every rough thrust. 

“ ‘m cum, d- daddy... imma cum, imma cum please... aaahh s’ deep, s’ deep...” 

“C’mon, baby, cum for daddy,” 

And she did. She came on command, his good little girl. Such a good girl, he had trained her so well. She was so beautiful when she came. Squeezing him so hard, obscene sounds of her pussy clenching and coating him in clear white liquid. 

“That’s it... that’s it, that’s a good girl,” He petted her hair as if she was some pet in her heat. And maybe she was. 

But he kept fucking her, even when she had come down from her high and her high-pitched sounds were getting higher. Overstimulation started to take over and she thrashed beneath him, pressing her hands on his shoulders to pull him away.

“No! D- Daddy! S’ too much! Too much, daddy, please- Ah!” 

Another rough thrust and he shut her up. He forced three long fingers down her throat.

“Shut up, little girl,” He grunted and stopped thrusting for a second, giving her the break she needed. 

He forced her mouth open with his fingers and a fat globe of saliva dropped from his lips to her tongue. She whimpered and swallowed it right away. What a good girl. 

“You’re my precious little girl but you’re also my sweet little slut... my precious little fucktoy...” he nibbled on her lip “...so be a good fucktoy and keep those pretty legs spread and let daddy breed you,” 

Fuck, it felt so good to be used by this man. 

“Y- Yes, daddy!” 

“Good girl...” he started thrusting again, losing his pace, indicating he was close. He gritted his teeth “... fuck, take it, take it...” his hand reached for her clit, rubbing it hard and fast as he fucked a load of cum into her and she cried out at the stimulation, cumming again till she was spent and twitching. He buried his face in her neck, biting and licking as he filled her womb with his load of cum and he stopped thrusting, staying deep.

Both took a moment to pant and catch their breath. Erwin leaned down to her, pressing his forehead against her own, and her glazed eyes met his own. She cupped his cheek and ran her fingers all over his face.

“Do you really want a family?” Nathalie asked and he looked at her. A soft smile spread on his lips and couldn’t help but imagine her tending to their home, their kids.

Erwin never thought he’d ever dream of anything like this, but he wanted it. He wanted it so much. “I wanted to fix the world first but…” he sighed “…fixing the world is… a very unrealistic task. There will forever be conflict amongst men unless our numbers fall to one or less. So… yes. Let us not wait until we fix something that is broken and unfixable,” he pecked her lips. “I want this. Do you?”

Nathalie sniffled and tried not to cry again. She nodded frantically. “Of course, I do. I love you so dearly,”

He smiled at her and kissed her sweetly before pulling back and finally pulling his softened cock out of her. His white cum threatened to drip down her body but he pushed it back in with his fingers and she moaned at the contact. He settled her knickers over her swollen pussy, and he helped her off his desk.

Her numb legs almost gave up on her but she pressed her hands against him and he wrapped his arm around her right away. Nathalie let out a laugh and he chuckled. He had marked her everywhere. He was partly proud, partly worried.

“Are you okay?”

“I- I’ll be fine, just… got to… get the hang of… walking,”

“Come here,” He wrapped his arm around her and picked her up with ease. He settled her face down on his back, her stomach, on his shoulder and she yelped in surprise.

“Hey!” She smacked his back. “You really gotta stop doing that!”

A small smile spread on his lips, and he chuckled in amusement. He let her down gently on that green sofa across his office. She bounced a little and he smiled down at her, looking at her, so beautiful, still in her nightgown only. And fuck he wanted to take her again.

But, first things first. “I brought you some breakfast,” he caught her chin between his fingers and he pressed a kiss on her lips.

She giggled. “That would be wonderful if I could see it,” She looked at the coffee table in front of her, and she could tell there was a tray with some things on top, but her eyesight was incredibly limited without her glasses.

“Oh! Right, just a second,” Erwin set off to get back to his desk, finding her glasses and bringing them back to her. She put them on right away.

“Thank you, darling,” Nathalie smiled up at him before turning her attention back on the table in front of her and her eyes widened. There was bread that looked fresh out of the oven. And then, there was a vase of what looked like strawberry jam and a dish with butter. She couldn’t believe it. Where had he found these? “E- Erwin… this… this is butter…”

He nodded and sat beside her on the couch. She gasped grasping the vase and bringing it to her face, poking the inside with a butterknife.

“A- And this is… jam…” she hadn’t had jam ever since her graduation day. She looked at him wide-eyed. “Where did you… how did you get these?! HOW MUCH DID YOU PAY FOR THESE?!”

He laughed. His plans to spoil her were finally being realised. “That is of no concern to you,” He stood back up and made his way to his desk to sit down and continue his paperwork. “Have as many slices as you want,” he spared no expenses when it came to her. Erwin Smith’s wife should be treated like royalty.

Nathalie couldn’t believe this. He was spoiling her. Her cheeks grew a bright red and she giggled. She started preparing a few slices of bread with butter and strawberry jam and she brought a dish to his desk. There was no way she was going to eat these on her own. She knew he had work to do, but she barely found it in herself to care.

She settled on his lap, stopping him from working, and she brought a slice to his mouth. He looked up at her – at that small, precious smile on her lips and he sighed. Any other woman would have thrown her face on the rare food, and she wouldn’t have offered him anything at all. But she hadn’t even tried it yet and she was going to make him the first to try.

“C’mon!”

He chuckled and he took a bite of the sweet, buttery, crusty bread. It tasted sweet, and he hadn’t had strawberries for such a long time. The bread was exquisite. She brought the same slice to her lips, taking another bite and she let out a pleasurable hum. It was tasty indeed.

“There’s no way I’m eating this all on my own,” Nathalie gave him another bite and she grinned. “Aw, my sweet man,” She cupped his cheeks. “You mustn’t spoil me that much,”

“Nonsense,” He watched her take another bite. “I spare no expenses when it comes to my wife,” Maybe he would be able to fix her eating problems like this. A bit of jam got stuck at the corners of her lips and he wiped it away with his rough thumb, bringing his thumb to his lips and licking it off.

Her cheeks got almost as red as that jam. But her attention fell back on the boxes all around the room, full of her belongings. She hadn’t yet asked him for that even though she had wanted to ask him since the moment she woke up.

“So,” Nathalie looked at the boxes across the room. “What are my stuff doing here?”

“You’re moving in with me.”

Her eyes widened. “I- I am?” She couldn’t believe she had just said this out loud. She stuffed the entire slice in her mouth to muffle herself right away. Her mouth was so stuffed she couldn’t even frown.

Erwin arched an eyebrow. “Since we’re husband and wife now, I think it’d be more appropriate for us to share my quarters,” Erwin said, and she agreed with him.

She really, really did, but what about the floor of the bathroom in her quarters? She had to fix that! And what about the mirrors?! She couldn’t stand in front of a mirror. She couldn’t turn his mirrors the other way. It would be too suspicious. Where would she go when she was having breakdowns? She needed her privacy. Not to mention, that she still wasn’t certain of how much control she had over her condition.

She could be dangerous to him.

But she couldn’t explain to him any of this.

“Is something wrong?” Erwin asked because she remained thoughtful and silent for far too long. Was it wrong of him to assume that she’d have no objections to this? Honestly, Nathalie had been spending more time in his quarters than she did in her own. “Do you not want to?”

“No! O- Of course, I want to!” Nathalie did not want him to get the wrong idea. Of course, she loved every moment, every second she spent with him. But it was still… troubling. She gave him a smile though. “I just… have many books to move.”

Maybe she would let it slide. Maybe she would bite back her breakdowns, her need to obsess over something – she would stop the self-harming and the scratching on the floors, and she would get better. Maybe she would get better because of this.

“I’ll help you,” Erwin smiled at her and his smile was so precious, she smiled back. She pecked his lips and buried her face in her neck. She shut her eyes and clutched on him tight. Maybe she would indeed get better because of this. So long as he was beside her, she would be alright.

But still, she’d have to buy a bigger matt to lay all over that bathroom’s floor, to cover everything she had written beneath. And hopefully, the next owner of those quarters wouldn’t bother seeing what was lying on the floor beneath. She would pay for a change of floors, but that would require construction workers and lots of noise. Her secret would be inevitably released.

No. She wouldn’t let it. Only Hange and Moblit knew and that was enough. No one else must know.

No one.

Not even her husband.

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

“...so, get your shit together, and stop being an asshole, and just fucking love the poor girl back,” Nathalie laughed and she almost knocked a chuckle out of him too.

Fuck. Was there ever a time that this woman wasn’t right? Levi sighed heavily and he nodded at her before she opened the door and she walked out of his office.

basically, nat, telling levi to get his shit together AHAHAH Oh yes, i think the next chap is the last happy one, whoops

Chapter 71: Clearing Things Out

Notes:

a little filler chapter for y'all with uwuness

tysm for the awesome support!!! pls enjoy!

He tried to spoil her again with even more expensive breakfasts the next few days, but Nathalie’s ear caught the news of Queen Historia’s very first move. She was planning to use Captain Levi’s help to gather all the orphans of the Underground and she was going to build orphanages and raise them aboveground. The construction of the buildings began right away but Historia did not want to wait, and Nathalie was already so proud of her.

Nathalie always had a feeling Historia would make a fine Queen.

But Nathalie wanted to help too, and it was time she had a conversation with Erwin. She knew she had to get on his good side first, so she brought him a slice of a cake that she had come up with, and a cup of his favourite tea one lovely afternoon. Erwin was tirelessly working like he always did when she walked into his office, finding him by his desk, filling out paperwork.

She settled the tray on a blank spot on his desk and she walked around the desk. She passed her arms around him from behind and she pressed a warm kiss on his cheek. She brushed a few of his blonde hair away from his forehead and she smiled at him lovingly.

“How’s my sweet man?”

He sighed tiredly. “Busy.”

“Then let me help you,” Nathalie reached for a nearby chair, and she brought it beside him.

“No, you go rest,” he caught her hand, stopping her.

She frowned. “Rest from what? I don’t have much to do since the lab isn’t quite working yet. Besides, there’s something I need to talk to you about.” Nathalie settled on the chair beside him, and she grabbed a spare pen and shoved a paper in front of her from the pile that he was working on. She could fake his letters and his signature quite well. “I hear Levi and our new Queen are going to retrieve all the orphans in the Underground, and I want to help.”

He chuckled. “I expected nothing less.”

“And I want you to help too.”

At that he finally turned and looked at her. “I am helping. The Military Police will be cooperating with three more Survey Corps squads on that project.”

“That’s not what I mean, darling,” Nathalie gave him a smile. “How about… you stop spending your salary on spoiling me, and instead spend it on spoiling children that actually deserve it.”

He arched an eyebrow. “You’re saying, you don’t deserve it?”

“I’m saying that I’d rather buy a hundred toys and cook enough food to fill their bellies, and I’d rather spend all my salary on promoting the construction of those orphanages, than spending it on a fancy breakfast and a pretty dress.”

She left him speechless. How could he ever expect anything less from her? A smile spread on his lips, and he looked down in shame. He should’ve made that thought before she did. Maybe he was too focused on pleasing her, but she had always been too focused on pleasing the others and doing the right thing.

Maybe he was still used to all the other women he’d been with. They didn’t care about things like that. Women like these only cared about the pretty dresses and the expensive jewellery. But how dare he compare his precious little Nathalie to them? His precious little wife. His sweet woman, who was always there to set him on the right path – to help him distinguish right from wrong.

A woman who put others before herself. He knew she was just meant for him.

“I adore you… you know that?” Erwin finally said, and she let out a breath she had been nervously holding. She almost feared that he wasn’t going to agree with her, but she knew his heart was always in the right place. She giggled as he turned and looked at her in utter fondness and a precious smile spread across his lips.

“Is that a yes?” She smiled up at him and she watched him as he pulled out a paper. He dipped his pen in a pot black ink and he started writing down.

I, Commander Erwin Smith of the Scout Regiment, hereby confirm that the Commander’s salary of the next three months be used to fund and enhance the construction of orphanages meant for the orphans to be retrieved from the Underground District.

The total amount sums up to 1,768 coins.

Signed: Erwin Smith

Erwin put down his signature. There was enough space for her to make her own statement below and Nathalie almost squealed in happiness, and she sank her pen in the ink and began writing below.

I, Section Commander Nathalie Smith of the Scout Regiment, hereby confirm that the next three monthly salaries of mine are used to fund the expenses on food, clothing and toys, all to be used in the Queen’s project to retrieve and house orphaned children from the Underground District.

The total amount sums up to 1,151 coins.

Signed: Nathalie Smith

Nathalie let out a laugh of happiness as she finished signing down her name.

She let down the pen and she fell in his arms. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and buried her face in his chest. “Thank you so much, my darling, my sweet man.” She squeezed him tight and drew in his scent.

He smiled and his arm tightened around her. “Come here.”

She giggled and she stood off her chair and settled on his lap instead with both her legs hanging from one side. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, and it was his turn to bury his face in the crook of her neck and close his eyes, and sigh in contentment.

She buried her fingers in his hair and pressed kisses on his temple, his forehead, his hair. “I adore you just as much, my sweet man…” she pressed another kiss on his forehead “…my lovely husband.”

He pressed a kiss on her neck, and he pulled back to look at her. At that precious smile on her lips and that look of adoration in her shiny, blue eyes. That wonderful expression on her beautiful face. God, she was so precious, she had him wrapped in a spell.

“You make me want to be a better man,” he confessed.

“You are a better man,” Nathalie smiled, and she brushed a few of his hair away from his forehead. “You have a vision about a world that’s better, and it’s not a crime to risk many sacrifices for the sake of that vision. You are a strong man who makes the hard decisions for everyone. You carry so much on those shoulders, and I don’t ever want to add to that weight.”

Erwin cupped her cheek. “Yours is the only weight I want to carry.”

She sighed contently and she couldn’t help it. She kissed his lips and pressed herself against him. He kissed her back, lapping at her sweet taste and sighing in her mouth. His arm slipped back down to her waist, tightening his grip on her.

Still, she wasn’t going to tell him. She had many problems to solve, but he didn’t have to know. Her sweet husband was already overly burdened with the world’s fate. But she was going to help him carry it. She wasn’t going to add to it. Not yet.

She pulled back for them both to breathe. “After it’s all over then.”

She pressed her cheek down on his shoulder and buried the tip of her nose in his neck. She closed her eyes and nuzzled into him as he buried his fingers in her hair and he stroked them gently.

“What do you want us to do after it’s all over?” He asked looking down at his sweet little girl as she nuzzled into him. She opened her eyes and she giggled.

“I want us to get a house,” she said, and he chuckled. “But I don’t want it in the District.” He expected as much. He didn’t like living in an overcrowded city either.

“Alright then. I’ll build us one,” he said, and she giggled, picking her head up to look at him.

“Really?!”

He nodded. “Big enough to house a big family,” she pressed a sound kiss on his cheek.

“How many children do you want us to have?” Nathalie’s smile was only growing. He pecked her lips.

“Two… maybe three…” he pressed a kiss on her neck, “…maybe five,” he pressed another kiss and she laughed. So, he wanted a big, big family, and she would give him just that, if that’s what he wanted. Anything for him.

Erwin was always a man who knew exactly what he wanted but when it came to her? She shifted his world, his perception of things, his opinions. She changed everything. But one thing remained stagnant – uncertainty. He cupped her tender cheek and he looked at her.

“You know… our chances of getting… any of that… are slim. You know that, right?” Maybe he had to remind her. Sure, it was great to talk about a future full of unattainable dreams, but no matter how much they wished they’d get there, it was still unattainable. The world was still mess. There was a lifelong war going on that they couldn’t hope to end in just a few years. Some fight was going to inevitably part them. They were only a deadly wound away from losing everything.

Her smile faded, and he hated it, but maybe he’d have to snatch her smile away prematurely for the sake of preparing her for what was coming. It would hurt a lot more if he did not prepare her, but he knew he could never prepare her neither himself enough for this. Losing everything, losing each other.

“I know,” Nathalie looked down at her fingers that clenched on the collar of his white shirt. “But that’s exactly why we got married so… so rushed and… unexpected. I know one day… you’ll have to throw yourself in battle… and I’ll never be prepared for that day… but at least I’d know I’d have cherished the man I love till the very end.” She smiled at him, and her face brightened back up.

Fuck it. She was right. She was absolutely right. He had been such an idiot all these years trying to avoid this relationship. But he never wanted to hurt her. “Do you think… mourning for me, for the rest of your life… is worth it?” Erwin asked, looking away from her again and her smile faded once more.

“It is,” it was totally worth it. “Since the day we married onwards… I’ve never been happier. And you’ve been happy too, I’ve never seen you smile that much,” Nathalie cupped his cheek in her tender fingers, and he took her hand in his own, turning his head to press a kiss on her open palm.

“We’re going to lose that happiness, Nathalie.”

“Then why did you marry me?”

There were just so many reasons. He loved her. He loved her so much even though he wasn’t saying it. But he was showing it. He loved her, and he wanted her to be his. He wanted no other man to ever lay claim on her. He had grown insecure, missing his arm, missing the ability to protect her – something that was his duty to do as her husband. He had grown insecure that she was going to fall for someone else and forget all about him and it sounded like a nightmare. Her screams were still so loud in his mind while they tortured her, and he was made to watch.

He would never forget that day.

The things you’ve put me through. The things I’ve suffered for you, she had said. No one would ever stand by his side like that. She would forever be his constant. His sweet little wife to hold and hug and kiss. To bury his face in her neck, her shoulder and feel her fingers in his hair, massaging his worries away. Lifting the weight of the world from his shoulders even for just a little while.

He was going to lose that one day – and he knew that, but he couldn’t lose it. He couldn’t lose her. Even if he had tried to avoid it by not marrying her and never indulging to his feelings, it would still break her if he died, and it would break him if she died. They were both way too deep into this relationship. They had been ever since the first day their parents introduced them to each other.

If only he knew back then that things would end up like this, he would have never joined the military.

“Because… I don’t want us to regret that we never tried,” Erwin answered, and she pressed a warm kiss on his forehead.

“You’re my grandest happiness, my deepest sorrow-”

“…my uprising and my downfall,” he finished for her, and she giggled.

She had told him those very same words the day they got married. He would never forget them. Everything came at a price. Their love came at a price. He would either make her the happiest woman alive, or the saddest. And the same stood for him.

He cupped her face, and he brought her lips to his own kissing her sweetly. Her arms tightened around his shoulders and her sweet lips parted for him right away. He pulled back, releasing her lips and his arm tightened around her, pulling her off his lap as he stood up.

“Let’s go to bed.”

“What about the paperwork?” Nathalie asked confusedly. It wasn’t even 12 am yet! He never went to sleep that early. He took her hand in his own and guided her to their shared bedroom.

“I’ll have plenty of time for it tomorrow,” Erwin said. “But I’ll never have enough time to spend with you.”

Nathalie smiled and she followed him, lacing their fingers together and giving his hand a gentle squeeze. She had now settled entirely in his quarters. She had to move many, many books, but they made them fit alongside his own. They were both terrible bookworms and his already full bookcases were even fuller now. But they made it work.

She hadn’t had any breakdowns ever since she moved in with him. He kept her distracted and happy and it was so easy to ignore the voices inside her mind when he was around. She slept in the nights peacefully, holding him, burying herself into him.

Her beloved man. Her sweet husband.

༻◊۞◊༺

She had to talk to Levi. She didn’t know whether he’d be happy about her and Erwin helping with the Queen’s philanthropic project, but she had to give him the document and he’d forward it to the Queen. Still, she had to talk to him about more than that. He probably didn’t want to see her at all.

Levi and Petra had been avoiding her for weeks now. Nathalie knew she was probably the reason why they didn’t get well along. She knew she had probably ruined their relationship. But Nathalie had actually done nothing. Leaving Levi for Erwin was a decision that she did not regret. No matter the hardships Erwin put her through, Nathalie was true to her feelings and to the people around her.

If Levi and Petra didn’t work together as a couple, it wasn’t Nathalie’s fault.

Still, they seemed to think that it was all her fault. Nathalie had to talk to them both and resolve this. She was a coward in certain situations, but when it came to serious stuff as these? Nathalie faced those situations and she resolved them with words of reason.

She didn’t care to fix her relationship with Petra. She barely knew Petra. She could live without knowing her at all. But Levi was still precious to her. He was the first man she’d ever loved and if anything, she wanted them to be friends.

If he didn’t want her friendship, though, it was still alright. Nathalie just wanted to make sure he knew where she stood in this. She had to clear some things out.

So, it was the next morning when Nathalie picked up the document and told Erwin she was going to deliver it to Levi with a pile of paperwork that Erwin had prepared for him.

Erwin caught her hand, stopping her right away. “You’re not going to stay in the same room with this man for more than what’s necessary, is that understood?” Erwin asked.

He’d make sure to count down the minutes. He was certain Levi wasn’t supposed to be in his office right now, because it was morning, and in the mornings, he trained his squad and some other younger cadets.

But if Levi wanted some alone time with her, he’d make sure he got it.

Nathalie recognised that stern look in her husband’s eyes. She’d have to get him to calm down before she’d leave. His hand was still gripping her wrist uncomfortably so. Her sweet man was just worried. Nathalie laced her fingers around his hand, loosening his grip around her poor wrist and she took a step closer to him.

“Of course, my sweet man,” Nathalie smiled at him and pecked his tense jaw. “But I need to make some things clear. I’m going to tell him to stop trying because there’s only one man, I love…” she cupped his cheek “…and that man is right here, and I love him more than anything.”

His shoulders and his clenched jaw loosened slightly. How did she do that? Reassuring him so well and making him relax so fast? He knew he could trust her. He knew she would never hurt him. His sweet girl was so very loyal.

Erwin leaned in, pressing a kiss on her sweet lips and she sighed in his mouth, wrapping her arms around his shoulders, and lifting herself up on her tiptoes to reach him. He closed his eyes and his arm tightened around her. She pulled back from the kiss and she licked his taste off her lips with a breathy giggle.

“I’ll be back before you know it,” Nathalie said, picking the documents and that pile of papers and making her way to his door and he watched her as she left.

Nathalie walked down the corridor. A few cadets saluted her as they happened to pass by but she dismissed them right away and she made her way to Levi’s office. She knocked at first. Whether he was inside or not, he should let her know. She didn’t want to walk in on him shirtless again. That would be awkward.

“Come in,” he called out and she opened his door and walked in. She found him sitting by his desk, signing down papers, maybe it was yet the time to go downstairs and train rookies. She approached his desk and placed the papers on an empty spot.

“Good morning, my darling Levi,” Nathalie smiled at him sweetly and he avoided her eyes right away. She took out the paper and placed it in front of him. “The Commander and I have agreed to fund the Queen’s Project.”

“The Queen is already funding it,”

“The Queen is funding it by 60% and the rest is from volunteering sponsors, and it has come to my attention that no one has volunteered yet,” Nathalie corrected him. “Erwin and I will fund the rest with our next three-monthly salaries,” she sighed. “It’s not too much, but it should help.”

Levi looked down at the document. The total sum reached around three thousand coins. It was more than enough. Adding up the Queen’s four thousand coins, the total was seven thousand. It was perfect, considering the scouts were greatly underpaid and the Commander’s salary was a mere 589 coins and Nathalie’s, who was a second in command, her salary was even less. Every scout was underpaid, but hopefully, now that the previous government was gone, things were going to change.

“I’ll take this to the Queen then,” Levi folded the paper and reached for a folder in one of his drawers. “I bet it was your idea.”

She chuckled. “It doesn’t matter,” she sat down on one of the two chairs that were settled in front of his desk. “There’s something we need to talk about-”

“Did you really marry him?” Levi cut her. It had been bothering him ever since he found out. She bit her lip.

“I apologise for his behaviour yesterday,” she chuckled trying to lighten the mood “you’ll be happy to know I scolded him massively after you left-”

“Answer the question, Nat.” Levi said harshly, and her smile faded right away. She looked down away from him and now it was his turn to look up at her. She shouldn’t be feeling sorry for marrying Erwin. There was nothing wrong with marrying the man she loved. But she never meant to hurt Levi like this.

And worst of all, she hadn’t really done anything wrong.

“Yes. Yes, I did,” she looked up at that unreadable expression on his face and it pissed her off not to know what he was thinking. Was it disgust? Was it resentment? Was it disapproval? Was it approval? She could never tell with this man. “I will not apologise for it, and I owe you no explanation, but… I still want us to be friends. I still want to be there for you. To be someone you can lean on and trust-”

“I already have that,” Levi frowned deeply, and she arched and eyebrow.

“If you’re talking about Petra, then you clearly don’t,” Nathalie frowned as well. “If things were working between you two, you wouldn’t have kissed me that day.” He looked away from her in shame. “Listen, if things don’t work between you two, it’s alright. I’m certain you’ll find happiness elsewhere.”

“It’s you, Nat,” Levi buried his face in his hands letting out a tired groan. “Things don’t work between Petra and I, because of you.”

“No, my darling Levi,” Nathalie sighed, and she stood up to leave. “Things between Petra and you don’t work because of you. Perhaps you don’t love her enough, but there’s nothing wrong with that. Tell her how you feel. Be clear with her.” She chuckled. “Maybe you and Erwin are not so different after all. You both lack clarity when it comes to a relationship.” Nathalie made her way to his door opening it to leave but he stopped her.

“You still married him,” Levi pointed out.

Yeah, she still married him, because lack of clarity and excess uncertainty were still very small compared to how much she loved Erwin.

“I did,” Nathalie smiled. “Even if he kicks me out of his life one day… I know I’ll come crawling back,” she looked at Levi. “And even if he dies in some battlefield… he doesn’t know it, but I’ll either make sure I’ll die with him or I’ll figure out some way to bring him back,” and she had already figured it out, but she wasn’t going to tell him. “Maybe you need someone who would do the same for you. I don’t know Petra well, but I do know she loves you.”

Nathalie couldn’t believe she was giving relationship advice. Of all people, she – who had had just two relationships in all her 29 years of being alive and now she was married, and her experience would be limited to just those two for the rest of her life. But she didn’t care. She knew experienced people who had still winded up in terrible marriages.

“So, get your shit together, and stop being an asshole, and just fucking love the poor girl back,” Nathalie laughed and she almost knocked a chuckle out of him too.

Fuck. Was there ever a time that this woman wasn’t right? Levi sighed heavily and he nodded at her before she opened the door and she walked out of his office. Petra walked out of his bedroom that was connected to his office, having heard the entire conversation.

She hated to admit, but she agreed with Nathalie. She had taken it wrong. Maybe Nathalie wasn’t the one at fault here.

Levi stood up and approached her. “We’re taking the day off. Put on something nice,” he snatched his ascot from his desk, and he tied it around his neck blindly.

Petra’s eyes widened. “W- What…?”

“You’re going to introduce me to your father, and I’m going to ask him your hand,”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

“You’re stuttering, and you’re forgetting, and you can’t focus, and your nightmares are getting worse,” Erwin cupped her cheek and brushed her hair behind her ear as he looked up at that troubled expression on her face. He was genuinely worried. “I know your research is damaging your beautiful mind and it’s beginning to show. I need you to stop before making it worse.”

Chapter 72: Exhaustion

Notes:

TYSM FOR THE AWESOME SUPPORT!!!!

this chap is UNEDITED!

A few weeks later

“We need to use the lab.”

“Nat, it only has 12 hours of functionality.”

“It will be enough. I- I- I have calculated everything.”

Nathalie couldn’t do it on her own. She needed two extra pairs of hands. Sure, she had calculated everything and she knew exactly what to do and how to do it – every single step, every volume and weight of any sample that they had gathered. They had around 2 litres of Eren’s Titan Spinal Fluid, and 2 litres of Mrs Springer’s Titan Spinal Fluid.

“I need to show you guys how to make the vaccine and the… the serum.”

“Can we not do that after the mission in Shiganshina?” Moblit asked.

“Some of us may… may not make it back,” Nathalie crossed her arms against her chest, and she pressed her weight back against the edge of the counter. They were in their lab in the Survey Corps Headquarters in Trost. “I- I might not make it back…” she knew she would definitely not make it back. She had to pass down the things she knew “…the more people know, the better.”

Hange had to admit that Nathalie was right. Actually, Nathalie shouldn’t be coming in that mission at all. She was a Burgess. She was the only Burgess alive – or that’s what she had told them. She hadn’t told them about her entire family back in Marley going insane with schizophrenia just as she did. She hadn’t told them Marley was going to take her that day. She hadn’t told them about her deal with Marley.

She hadn’t told them about anything.

“Nat’s right,” Hange sighed. “We can’t wait for the engineers to make us a generator. We need to use what we have.”

“We need to get the Commander’s permission first,” Moblit pointed out.

“I’ll handle that,” Nathalie reassured them both and they nodded in agreement.

She could definitely talk Erwin around it. If Hange – as head of the Research and Development Department of the Survey Corps – agreed with Nathalie’s request to use the 12 hours they had, then Erwin was going to agree with it too.

But they only had one shot at this. They would either make it work in just 12 hours, or not at all. Nathalie didn’t care for the vaccine as much as she cared about making that serum. If Erwin got badly injured or even if he was brought to the brink of death, she would inject him with it, and it would instantly heal his wounds and he’d make it back alive. Nathalie had to make that serum. Even if Erwin did not give her permission to use the lab, she would do it on her own if she had to.

She wasn’t going to wait around for his permission to save his life. Erwin was going to throw himself to battle. Even though, he too shouldn’t come at all. He should just let her lead the entire operation. He should just stay back. Missing his arm, he couldn’t fight and fend for himself.

No, Erwin shouldn’t come at all. But how the hell was Nathalie going to convince him about this? She knew he had been wanting this his whole life. He had been wanting to find the truth and being there was very important for him.

Probably more important than the future they planned to have together.

Nathalie sighed heavily, making her way to his office. There it was, that uncertainty, the fear of losing him. The days were approaching. The mission was only two weeks away. Nathalie had spent the past weeks trying to make sure that she’d manage to do everything in just 12 hours. She had made all the possible calculations, all the possible results, all the possible dosages that she might end up with.

She had tested every single outcome in a single simulation inside her mind. It had been a rough few weeks of spitting parts of her bleeding brain and passing out on top of her notebooks and Erwin had hated every single second of it. He remembered the day she told him how she had given up on finding a cure about this. But now, that they were married, he had made her promise him she’d work on a cure for herself the second the labs were fully functional.

He had even told her to prioritise this over the vaccine.

And she had promised him she’d find a way, but for now, her priority wasn’t healing herself and everything that was so broken about her flawed body and health. She had been having nightmares every night, watching herself killing Miche and his squad over and over. No news of their whereabouts had yet to come, and Erwin was coming in terms with the fact that they’d have to reclaim Wall Maria without them. Still, Nathalie would wake up screaming and waking up Erwin as well, but he was there for her, her sweet man.

He was there, to hold her, and help her level her breathing and make her forget. She never told him what her nightmares were all about. She never told him why she refused to look on his mirrors, but he had still pointed it out and she gave him the same excuse she had last time.

I find mirrors creepy! He wasn’t buying it – not as much as he did the first time. She had turned the mirrors in her previous quarters and now she was turning her head away whenever she passed around his own mirrors.

Erwin had grown suspicious. She knew she had had many things on her mind. Nathalie never spent a second without thinking of something, but she wasn’t just fidgeting her fingers in the fabric of her skirts when she was nervous. She has also started to tap her foot erratically. She had started biting her lips hard enough to tear the flesh and draw blood. She was tossing and turning in the nights and mumbling things in her sleep that he couldn’t quite decipher. Trying to keep her still with just one arm wasn’t working.

After she threw herself back to her research, sometimes she would stutter a lot more than she usually would. She would forget far easier. She couldn’t focus on anything for too long. She would sleep more hours than she usually would. He knew researching and recalling knowledge damaged her brain. He didn’t have to be a doctor to be and tell that the damage she had done must have been destructive.

Erwin wanted to talk to her about this. He wanted her to stop researching and working entirely for the next two weeks. He wanted her to give herself some time to rest.

By the time Nathalie entered his office, she had forgotten what she wanted to tell him. Her lips had already parted to say something, but her mind went blank as she looked around the office, searching for an indication that would hopefully remind her why she was there for.

“I… I could’ve sworn, I… I h- have something I wanted to talk to you about,” Nathalie looked at her husband and he sighed, finishing another report, and placing it aside.

“It’s alright. Come here. There’s something I need to talk to you about,” Erwin let down his pen and he patted his hand on his lap, shifting his chair to back away from the desk, giving her enough space.

She smiled at him and walked around his desk, settling on his lap like she usually would. She cupped his face and smiled fondly down at him. “My… my sweet man.”

He took off her glasses for her and he placed them on his desk. He cupped the back of her head and he guided her to lean down and bury her face in his neck. He stroked her hair. Her cheek pressed down on his shoulder, and she buried her nose in his neck. A small smile spread on her lips, and she nuzzled into him while he buried his fingers in her hair.

“Close your eyes,” he spoke softly, pressing his lips on her forehead for a warm kiss and she did as he had asked. “That’s it,” he let go of her hair and cupped her cheek. She was so beautiful right there. She was so precious to him, watching this happen to her was tormenting. He pressed another kiss on the tip of her nose and she giggled, but kept her eyes closed. “That’s a good girl. I want you to rest,” he pressed another kiss on top of her head “and I want you to stop researching and rest for the next two weeks.”

At that, her eyes snapped wide open and she picked her head up and looked at him. “B- But, I- I can’t do that! I… I- I have research to do, Erwin darling, please-”

“You’re stuttering, Nathalie,” he said and her eyes widened.

She hadn’t even noticed.

“You’re stuttering, and you’re forgetting, and you can’t focus, and your nightmares are getting worse,” he cupped her cheek and brushed her hair behind her ear as he looked up at that troubled expression on her face. He was genuinely worried. “I know your research is damaging your beautiful mind and it’s beginning to show. I need you to stop before making it worse.”

But she couldn’t stop. She couldn’t stop now. She had things to do! She had things to figure out. She had to make that serum and that vaccine. She had to figure out how to turn titans back into humans and she had two weeks to do that. She couldn’t stop.

“E- Erwin, I- I can’t stop, okay? I need to figure everything out b- before our mission in… in Shiganshina and-”

“No, you don’t have to push yourself like this-”

“I might not make it back, Erwin!”

She finally burst out and he didn’t speak. She bit her lip to keep herself from saying another word. He didn’t know they were going to take her, and she wasn’t going to let him find out. She had to talk to him logically about this. Only logic could convince this man, but she couldn’t even talk.

She was losing her mind and her mind was the only thing on herself that was actually worth something. Nathalie took in a deep breath, and she had to stop herself from stuttering and try to form a clear sentence. She parted her lips to speak but he spoke first.

“You’re saying you won’t make it back?”

“I’m saying we can’t be certain-”

“It is not up to you,” Erwin cut her firmly. “It is up to me who makes it back or not,” Erwin said, and he looked down at the papers where he had scribbled down his plans and his strategy for the mission in Shiganshina. “Everything I’ve planned out so far ensures that you will make it back. Even if everybody dies, you’ll be the only person who makes it back.”

No! She shook her head frantically. “N- No, Erwin, please, I can’t save… humanity, I can’t do anything without you-”

“It’s not about humanity,” Erwin cupped her cheek. It wasn’t about saving humanity anymore. She was more important to him than that. He had dreamt of a future with her. He knew it would never become a reality. “You will not die before I do, is that understood?” Once again, he couldn’t help being selfish. He’d rather be the first to die than spend the rest of his life having lost her. And what about her, living a life without him? Did he not think of that? Of course, he did. But maybe he feared of that pain more than she did. Still, that was a promise that she couldn’t keep.

“You know I… I can’t do that,” Nathalie bit her lip harshly once again. Another act of nervousness – a newfound one.

He pressed his thumb on her bottom lip, stopping her from chewing and swelling it and making it bleed, parting her bleeding lips. All he tasted was blood when he kissed her. It was either anxiety or her researching.

“Stop doing that,” Erwin said sternly. Look at you, his sweet little girl, an utter mess. Her arm, around his shoulders, her fingers, tap- tap- tap- tapping on his shoulder in an erratic rhythm. He took her hand in his own, stopping the incessant movement. “That too,” he sighed heavily. “Don’t you see? I’m worried for you…” he brought her hand to his lips, pressing a kiss on her tender knuckles and then to her open palm “…I don’t want anything happening to my sweet little wife. I want you to rest. You took it too far the past few weeks, Nathalie, please, my love.”

Maybe he was right. She hadn’t noticed her stuttering. She hadn’t noticed her fingers moving like this or how hard she had been biting the soft, inner flesh of her lips. She just knew the pain kept the sounds away from her mind and she had been suppressing her self-harming urges because she was living with Erwin, but it had only come out in another form.

This man had so many things to worry about, and she was only adding to this.

Nathalie nodded and she pressed a kiss on his cheek. “I’m so… I’m so sorry.” She buried her face in his neck and drew in his scent.

“Don’t apologise, my sweet little girl,” he pressed a kiss on her cheek, her temple, her forehead. “My precious little wife,” he buried his fingers in her hair and he watched her as her eyes closed tiredly. “I know you’re trying your best and you never put yourself first. But that’s alright, because you have me to do that for you.”

She pressed a kiss on his neck and wrapped her arms around his shoulders tighter. “I have you… I love you so much…”

He smiled down at her and pressed another kiss on her cheek. His arm tightened around her and he stood up, picking her up with him. She was far lighter than she’d been the last time he had picked her up. She wasn’t making it difficult at all to support her entire weight against him with just one arm.

Her feet dangled limply, no longer touching the floor as her chest pressed flushed to his own and her cheek pressed down on his shoulder. She kept her arms around his neck, his shoulder, hanging from there as he carried her to their shared bedroom with minimal effort.

“You’ve lost weight,”

Erwin pointed out as he let her down on her side of the bed. He took off her low-heeled, black shoes, and he brought a blanket on top of her.

“I…” she couldn’t lie to this man about anything. She sighed “…I guess I have.”

He hated it. How her pretty eyes closed up right away, and she didn’t even shift from the position he had laid her down in. She merely buried her hand beneath the pillow and her body went limp in an instant. How exhausted she must have been, and it was still morning. She hadn’t had a proper night’s rest in so long.

Erwin pressed a kiss on her temple, and he brushed a few brown strands of hair away from her face. “Rest, sweetheart.”

He let her rest and she did. In fact, Nathalie was asleep for the rest of the day. Erwin attended his meetings and did everything he had set on his schedule. He finished most of his paperwork. There was just a few left, but he knew more would be coming tomorrow. The days before an Expedition were always full of work to be done and papers to sign.

But for today, he was finished. His shoulders felt tense, and his nape ached from standing seated and leaning all these hours. Erwin looked at the clock hanging from the wall to his side. It was 1 am. He sighed. He only had 5 hours of sleep. He might as well make the most of them.

Nathalie was still asleep, He had checked up on her two times the past day. Erwin stood up off his desk. He lit off that one oil lamp, and he took the other in his hand to light his way back to their bedroom.

He placed the lamp on her nightstand, dropping some light on her pretty face. He let out a sigh and he started unbuttoning his white shirt blindly. His eyes rested on her face. Maybe the very scarce lightening of the room was playing tricks with his tired eyes, but she looked pale.

He hadn’t finished unbuttoning his shirt when he realised, that she was still on the very same position that he had left her in the very same morning when he laid her down. It had been hours. There was no way she hadn’t moved at all. Unless…

His eyes widened and he rushed to sit on the edge of the bed beside her. He pressed his fingers on her pulse on her neck. Her head rolled limply to the side and her skin was cold beneath his fingertips. He panicked. He pressed harder down on her pulse.

Nothing.

“No! No… no, no, no, no, no…” he pushed on her shoulder to urge her to lie on her back. Her body was limp. Her face, pale. Her lips, a light blue, and he panicked so much, he could hardly breathe.

She couldn’t die. He couldn’t lose her. He couldn’t live life without her. What would he do without her? What would he do without her love, her care, her tenderness? What was he going to do – how was he supposed to keep fighting if it wasn’t for her?

He wrapped his arm around her, and he pulled her up off the bed and pressed her to his chest. But her head rolled back, limp, and unmoving. Her eyes, closed. Her blue lips, cold and slightly parted. His sweet little girl was gone. She was gone. They had just gotten married, but she was gone.

“No… you can’t die before I do…” he buried his face in her arched neck drawing in whatever was left of her scent. “…I can’t let you… I can’t…”

Erwin’s eyes snapped wide open, and he was breathing hard and his heart was thrumming hard beneath his chest. He looked at the hour on the clock. 1 am. He realised he had just passed out on his desk, but he was still panicking.

What if that nightmare became a reality?

Erwin abandoned everything and he stood up. He rushed to their bedroom and he found her there, sleeping soundly. He could hear her breathing, but he had to make sure. He pressed his finger on her pulse on her soft neck and he let out a sigh of relief when he spotted a beat beneath. She was sleeping in a different position too.

Erwin sighed again in utter relief. He let himself sit back down on the edge of the bed beside her and he tried to level his breathing. Never before had he been so frightened about losing someone. He had no idea what he’d do if he lost her. There was a time when he knew what he’d do. He thought that he’d be able to move on and lead a life without her, but now, after everything, he wasn’t so sure anymore.

Erwin buried his face in his hand, and he ran his fingers through his hair. She had said she had six years. If she didn’t make a cure, her disease would take her from him in six years. That wasn’t nearly enough to do everything they wanted. It wasn’t nearly enough to get a home and have a family. He wouldn’t be able to raise a family without her. He wouldn’t be able to do anything without her.

He wouldn’t be able to live without her.

How the hell had it gotten to this? How?! Erwin had always been an independent man. He always told himself that everyone he ever knew could die in an expedition, in a single day. He had led so many people to their deaths, but when it came to her, he wasn’t recognising himself.

He had never been so scared of something in his life.

He was always prepared to lose everyone, but he could never be prepared to lose her.

“Erwin…?” Nathalie’s sleepy voice snapped him out of it, and he immediately turned and looked at her. He took her hand in his own and he gave it a gentle squeeze.

“Hey, sweetheart. Have you been sleeping well?” He asked, trying to hide the fact that he had been worried sick for her. Trying to ignore and hide the fact that he had just had a dream about her dying.

Nathalie hummed and nodded. She pulled on his arm. “Lie down with me,” she whined “you need rest.” He chuckled. Ever her loving, caring self.

“I will,” Erwin let go of her hand to begin unbuttoning his shirt. He put on another, looser t-shirt, and looser pants before he walked around the bed and slipped beneath the blankets beside her.

She was clinging on him before he knew it and a smile spread on his lips. He wrapped his arm around her, and he brought her closer, watching her as she nuzzled deeper into his chest. He stroked her hair that tickled his chin, and he buried his face into them, drawing in her sweet scent.

“I love you, Nathalie,” he held her a little tighter. “I love you so much.”

But he knew she hadn’t heard him.

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

“There’s another way to eliminate that issue,” Erwin sighed. She wasn’t going to like this. “I will not include you to the mission at all.”

Chapter 73: Decision

Notes:

oh damn this chap is smol but destructive LMFAO yeah believe me when i tell you this is the last conversation erwin and nat are gonna have in like

years LMFAO nah jk im messing with you

or am I

She was better the other day. And for the next couple of days, she did not work at all, doing as he had asked. She stopped stuttering and focusing was no longer a difficulty. She stopped biting her lips and it took her lots of self-restraint, but she had to get better. She had to get better if she hoped to convince Erwin to give her permission to use the lab beneath the Palace.

Nathalie was merely reading the books of the newfound library. She had read three of them so far and they were around 500 pages each. She couldn’t tell what languages they were, but she and Hange were working on translating them. It was strange, but enormously helpful. Nathalie could read many languages and she hadn’t even known about it.

She had finished translating a book on electrical engineering and one on mechanical engineering. She had to translate those books because their mechanics needed them to make the generator for the lab. That was still exhausting nonetheless, but Nathalie was giving her injured mind time to get back in shape. She needed it if she wanted to use the last 12 hours of that lab.

She hadn’t yet told Erwin about it though. She didn’t know how to convince him. She was certain she’d find a way though. She knew he just had so much work to do. Her sweet man had been so busy, but she helped him with his paperwork in the nights. She brought him food. She helped him however she could.

And now, it was one of those nights. Nathalie had decided to finally talk to him about it tonight. She couldn’t wait anymore. They only had a few days before the mission.

So, once again, Nathalie tried to get on his good side. Keeping her husband happy was her duty, and she knew quite well that a man’s happiness originated from his stomach. Instead of porridge, Nathalie made him a soup today, but not just any soup. She found beef being sold on the market – no one was buying it because no one could afford it and she kind off blew off her salary on just a small piece – but that was still a small price to pay for science.

So, red, tomato soup with beef that she had been brewing for hours trying to make it soft. She had cooked beef only once before. That was probably the day she got her degree, but she didn’t quite remember. He was going to appreciate it for sure.

Maybe he would see right through her and realise she was going to ask him for a favour – why would she get into all that trouble otherwise? Still, she had already figured out a way to dodge that with a clever response. Nathalie had barely managed to keep people from eating it. Everybody passed by the kitchen to check what smelled so good. Thank the Walls, Moblit was there to drag Hange out of the kitchen.

Nathalie had finished serving the soup in two bowls, settling everything on a large tray, when Petra walked in. Nathalie chuckled giving Petra a sideways look as she brought the empty pot in the sink to wash it up later.

“I’m so sorry, but the soup is for the Commander-” Nathalie tried to say but Petra cut her.

“I’m not here for that. I’m here to thank you,” Petra said and Nathalie’s eyes widened. Nathalie turned her back on the sink, turning to face her with a surprised look on her face.

Nathalie dried her hands in a rag that she let aside when she was done, pressing her hips back against the counter, resting some of her weight there. “What for, darling?”

Petra looked down apologetically. “Well…” she smiled and lifted her left hand up to show Nathalie the ring “…Levi and I got engaged.”

Nathalie’s eyes widened and she let out a laugh. “Oh my! Congrats!” Nathalie approached her and pulled her into a tight hug. Petra let out a laugh as well and buried her face in Nathalie’s shoulder. Nathalie squeezed her. “I’m so happy for you both!” She pulled back, smiling at the younger girl.

Petra laughed happily. “I just… I know you had something to do with it.”

Nathalie chuckled. “Oh, I did nothing, dear, I just told him to get his shit together,” she grinned “literally. You should’ve seen his face!” Nathalie laughed and turned back on the sink and began washing the pot and everything else she had used to make the dinner.

“Thank you, Nathalie,” Petra said honestly. “And I’m sorry about what I did, I- I was wrong.”

“It’s alright, darling. You’re still young. I used to make lots of mistakes when I was your age too!” Not really, but she had to make the girl feel better.

“How does it feel?” Petra asked. “Being married… and not knowing whether you’ll survive the next mission or not?”

That was indeed a tricky question. Nathalie stopped scrubbing the pot and instead she looked at the window that showed the dark street outside. It was night, but the streetlamps were lighting up the District.

It was terrifying. Sure, Nathalie had never been happier than she was now – married to her beloved man that she had loved and wanted for so long. But it was because of how happy she was and how precious it all was, that she was so scared to lose it. The days were approaching indeed. She wanted to do everything with Erwin that they hadn’t yet done, because she knew they might never get the chance.

“It’s… terrifying,” Nathalie sighed heavily, once again, realising her painful reality. “But blissful all the same.”

She would never regret marrying him, no matter the circumstances. Even if he laid on her arms, wounded and bleeding and dying, she wouldn’t regret it. And she liked to think he’d do the same.

Petra bid her goodnight before Nathalie finished settling everything in their shelves and cleaning up the kitchen counter. She took the tray upstairs, careful, not to spill the soup.

She walked in his office, finding him by his desk, working and writing down. His white shirt slightly unbuttoned and his sleeve, rolled up to his elbow. Blonde hair dishevelled and messy, falling on his forehead. He looked tired.

She placed the tray on an empty spot on his desk and he let out a sigh, letting down pen finally and reaching out to grab the bowl of soup. “I’m starving,” he said honestly, and she smiled at him handing him his spoon.

“I’m sorry it took me longer to bring your dinner, but I made something different this time,” Nathalie took her own spoon, and she blew on the first spoonful before bringing it to her mouth. She hummed and nodded in approval.

Erwin arched an eyebrow and he looked down at the red soup that looked and smelled absolutely delicious. “You cooked?”

She nodded. “Just for you. Let me know if you like it.”

His sweet pretty girl cooking just for him. He smiled at her. “You shouldn’t have.”

“Oh hush! Just eat!” Nathalie frowned.

He chuckled and he brought a spoon to his lips, blowing on it before tasting it. It was delicious. Actually, delicious was an understatement. The sweetness of the tomato and the vegetables, the spicy herbs, the smell of oregano and basil and then there was something more, whose taste he did not quite recognise at first but then the realisation hit him.

“Nathalie… there’s meat in here,” Erwin said even though he wasn’t quite sure. He hadn’t had meat in such a long time.

Nathalie giggled and nodded. “Beef.”

Erwin frowned. He could only guess how much she had paid for it. Letting his wife pay for the meal? Unacceptable. “How much did you pay for it?” His hand reached for the drawer beside him. He was certain he had enough money there.

“That’s none of your business!”

Nathalie frowned and she stretched out her hand slapping his own away from the drawers before he looked at her surprised. She settled back down on her chair across him and she realised he was still staring at her, without eating his food. No woman had ever paid a meal for him.

Nathalie groaned and she stood back up. “Boy, aren’t you stubborn?!” She walked around his desk and settled down on his lap. She brought his bowl in her hands and she filled another spoon with the delicious liquid. She blew on it before she brought it to his lips.

Erwin sighed heavily. Was she going to feed him too? She made him feel like a useless toddler. He took the bowl from her hands and he placed it back on desk with the spoon. She parted her lips to protest. She had worked hard on that soup. He couldn’t say he didn’t want it! But he spoke first.

Erwin cupped her cheek. “My sweet baby,” he brushed her hair behind her ear. “You shouldn’t spoil me that much. I’m the one who’s supposed to spoil you.”

She frowned. “I’m not spoiling you. I’m just treating my man right,” she pecked his lips. “You’re working harder than anyone. You deserve to be treated well.”

He smiled. His sweet little girl. So caring, and tender. He loved her so much. Erwin’s arm tightened around her, and he buried his face in the crook of her neck. He drew in her scent, and he closed his tired eyes. He pressed a kiss on her warm skin and her frown was instantly replaced with a smile. She buried her fingers in his hair and caressed gently. His little wife was perfect with whatever she did. Fighting, researching, cooking, cleaning, leading. Everything. So special. So perfect.

“If I deserve to be treated well, then you deserve to be treated like a goddess,” he pulled back to look at her, awestruck and in love. Nathalie giggled and her cheeks grew a bright red instantly.

She cupped his cheek and brushed his hair away from his forehead. “I have you loving me… I already feel like one.”

Goodness, what was he supposed to do if not kiss her hard when she told him things like that? He tried to, but she slipped off his lap before he knew it.

“Now, let’s have our dinner first, and then there’s a favour I need to ask of you,” Nathalie said, settling on her chair across him on the desk.

“Anything my sweet wife wants,” Erwin said, resuming his dinner and so did she.

Nathalie smirked behind her spoon. “Anything?”

“Anything.”

She bit her lip. Now it would be a good time to ask for it.

“I need your permission to finish my research, using the final 12 hours remaining in the modern lab,” Nathalie said and she feared he wasn’t going to give it to her.

Erwin stopped eating and he looked at her for a moment. She hadn’t worked at all for about a week now and she had gotten much better in terms of stuttering and focusing and everything else. He didn’t want her to ruin her progress in just one day. He didn’t mind her working. He knew it would make her so very happy.

But when it came to her health, he was willing to neglect her happiness.

“I cannot let you do that,” Erwin said and she parted her lips to speak right away but he cut her. “You’ve made great progress all those days of resting. I don’t want you to ruin that. I need you to be at your best shape for the mission.”

“But it is because of the mission that I must do it!” Nathalie said. “I need to show Hange and Moblit how to make the vaccine in case I don’t make it back-”

“You will make it back.”

“You don’t know that!”

They’ve had this conversation before. He was actually tempted to keep her out of the mission. He was actually tempted to just leave without her. She was more important than he was anyway.

“There’s another way to eliminate that issue,” Erwin sighed. She wasn’t going to like this. “I will not include you to the mission at all.”

Her eyes widened. “Don’t you dare!”

“You are important, Nathalie,” Erwin said. “Pass on your knowledge to however many people you want, but no one will be able to replace you. You are the last Burgess. You’re the only one who can translate those books that bear knowledge that we need greatly. And if anything happens to me, the Survey Corps will have a very capable leader secured-”

“Erwin, no! Please-!”

“I have decided.”

“I will not stand and watch you leave!”

Her appetite was absolutely gone now. There was only room left for panic and madness. All she ever did was to be there. She had joined the military just to be there when it’d happen. All she ever did was to be there when the moment would finally come and she’d have to say goodbye to him. She had thrown away her dreams of a peaceful future just to be there with him. He couldn’t come and tell her now that he wasn’t going to let her.

She had dedicated her life to this. To him.

What if he died in that mission? What if she watched him leave and never come back? What would she do? What did he expect her to do? She always knew one day he’d have to die – but she wanted to be there to say a final goodbye, a final confession of her love and dedication to him.

And he was taking that away as well?

She let out a soft sob and a tear ran down her cheek. “You just married me…” she wiped her tear away and she looked at him with that heart-breaking look in her shiny blue eyes. “…don’t widow me yet.”

He knew it’d come to this. He had always known. All those talks of dreams and a peaceful, beautiful future – he had always known it was all for nothing. He had always known none of it would ever become real. He had always known. And now she was crying, and it was breaking his heart.

“That’s why… I should’ve never married you.”

It felt like a thorn to her heart. She sniffled. “Do you regret it?”

“Yes,” he couldn’t believe he had just said this, but maybe it was the truth. Did he really regret marrying her? Dreaming with her? Loving her?

Yes, because, if he had done none of that, she wouldn’t be crying right now. She wouldn’t be hurt, she wouldn’t have struggled. She wouldn’t have been tortured. She wouldn’t have endured all that pain and all that struggle for him. Maybe if he had never asked her to join the Survey Corps – maybe if they had kept their separate ways, their separate lives, she would’ve been happier and he would’ve been a dead man but with a clearer conscience than it now was, because he was hurting the most precious person on this world.

Nathalie stood up and she headed for the door. She needed to get out of here. She didn’t want to see him. He called out for her, but she didn’t hear a word.

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

“Listen,” Nathalie started, turning at Eren, Mikasa and Armin, looking at all three of them with fondness. “I love all three of you so much. You know that… right?”

“Why does it sound like you’re saying goodbye?” Armin asked. Partly scared, partly, absolutely certain that that was the case.

Nathalie smiled at him and she cupped Armin’s cheek. “You’ve always been so smart.”

Chapter 74: Preparations

Notes:

UNEDITED!!!!

i didn't finish writing a chap today, but imma post it anyway cuz i wanna read sth tonight and if anything im writing this fic for solely myself LMFAO

i also extract lots of satisfaction from torturing my readers eheheheheheh

yes this chap is angsty uwu

tysm for reading!!!!

istg this song must've been written for Erwin LMFAO

"Real Boy" by Lola Blanc - (Spotify Link)

Every time we touch, your hands are colder, colder
There's no beating coming from your wooden chest
Frozen grin, a mannequin, when I get closer
I can see the strings, they're underneath your vest

If you can cry real tears then
You're gonna cry them all for me
If you can feel real fears then
I'm gonna leave you shivering

Show you what the meaning of a heartbeat is

---

Eleven hours. It had been eleven hours. Nathalie had turned off the generator by now. She had finished a lot earlier than she realised. She had made two of the serums that heal wounds, two vaccines, and two syringes that if he injected into a titan, it would turn it back into a human. She had recorded every step with so much simplicity. Even a toddler would’ve been able to follow these steps.

Nathalie was… exhausted. She was exhausted and the voices inside her mind were so loud, and she had spat so many bloody tissues. She had coughed so hard, her throat was hoarse and aching and she could do nothing but just take it. All she could do was take it.

She had done this without anybody’s permission, but she had done it right. She had fixed everything she had to fix, and her deteriorating health was still a small price to pay.

There was an oxygen meter, and she took a reading on herself. It showed that her oxygen levels were around 83%. If it kept dropping like that, she’d fall into a coma soon.

Nathalie brought her handkerchief to her nose and lips, gathering the blood that lingered there. She only had a lantern’s light. She made a few final notes before gathering those syringes and settling them in the brown leather bag that hanged around her shoulder. That headache was excruciating. She brought her hand to her temple, trying to massage the pain away, but she needed more than that to deal with it. She needed morphine. She needed something numbing, but if she gave in to morphine it would turn to something worse – an addiction – and she had enough problems already.

She would probably get scolded for using the generator like this. It wasn’t her property. It was the state’s, but she was the only one who knew how to use it, so she had some rights, but not enough. Insubordination was not treated lightly. She would probably lose her job.

But she didn’t care. She had never chosen to be a Scout anyway. No, the military had never been a future she wanted. She was Burgess. There was no place for her in the battlefield no matter how skilled she was when it came to slaughtering titans. She was only skilled because she was a Burgess, and when a Burgess sets their mind on something, they do it perfectly. That was all.

All she wanted to do was sink into her sweet science because science never harmed her. It never hurt her. It was never hostile. It was familiar and welcoming and smart, and perfect. It reached her standards and beyond. She would have married science if she could. She would spend the rest of her days in some lab and that was all that she would ever want. She could be happy like this.

Science could not be killed or erased because the populace would forever need it. Science brought her certainty.

“Do you regret it?”

“Yes.”

And that’s how the headache got worse and tears filled her eyes again and a sob erupted from her throat and maybe – just maybe the pain that she had just put herself through was the only thing she needed. It made her forget. It made her numb and lightheaded. Maybe she didn’t need morphine. If pain was overtaking her thoughts, her mind, then there was not enough place for Erwin.

“Do you regret it?

“Yes.”

Yes, he regrets it. He regretted loving her. He regretted marrying her. He regretted everything he had with her. She had known. She had always known it would come to this. She had always known he’d regret it. It was just so different from knowing it than actually hearing him say it.

She didn’t know why it had hurt her so much when it was something that she already knew. Maybe deep down she had a small spark of hope. Maybe she still hoped that one day he’d change his mind and he’d stop gambling with his life because he’d realise that there was someone who needed him. He’d finally realise that there was someone who loved him.

But he probably still thought that her love was misplaced. He probably thought their marriage should have never happened. Hadn’t he been happy those past few days? Didn’t he love her? At all? How come he had fooled her so effectively that he did? Why did he even marry her?

“I told you, he doesn’t love you.”

“Maybe he doesn’t.”

“You’ve been forcing him into this.”

“Maybe… I’ve been forcing him into this.”

“He doesn’t want you. You’re just not good enough.”

More tears slipped down her cheeks and she wept silently in the darkness of the lab. The light of her oil lamp had already begun to fade.

“You’re not good enough. You’ll never be good enough.”

And it hurt. It hurt so much because her entire life she had been trying to be perfect for him. She had tried so hard to reach his standards, to be the perfect woman. The woman that he would never refuse. She had wasted her life on this. She had to get used to watch friends get eaten. She had to get used to blood and violence and pain and torturing. She got tortured just for him. Just because she loved him.

Why… why couldn’t he understand that? What was so terrible about allowing someone to love him? Was he scared? Was he being cowardice? For what though? Erwin was many things, but he was never a coward. He had overthrown a government on his own, he had defied destiny. He had broken the monotone, rotten future that the first king had set out for them – to live blind to the truth. Erwin had broken that. Erwin was the strongest man she had known. The most ambitious and daring.

It was dangerous and terrifying because he’d throw away his life without a second thought, but she loved that about him. She loved how strong he was. She loved how daring, fearless and ambitious he was. She loved his dreams of a better world, a world where he’d have proven that his father’s theories were right. Yes, that was a very selfish dream to throw his life away for, but if that’s what he wanted, she’d support him through it, all the way.

All she asked was that she’d get to hold him while he slipped away.

Was that too much to ask still?

She was tired. She was exhausted. She didn’t even have her own quarters to go and rest there. If she wanted to rest, she’d have to go back to their shared quarters, but she didn’t want to do that. She didn’t want to face him. That’s why she never wanted to depend on someone. That’s why she had worked so hard to get a degree, to get her own job, her own apartment, her own home – just because she never wanted to depend on anyone.

Or that’s what her plans were anyway. She had trampled all over them because she loved him. She cursed herself for doing so. If he regretted loving her, then she should regret loving him tenfold, because she had suffered for him. She had thrown away her life for him.

But he couldn’t understand that.

Heck, maybe he knew she would throw her life away for him. He probably knew it from the start. He probably manipulated her into this mess. If anything, Erwin was indeed talented on manipulating people.

Even his own wife. Even that one person that stood by his side through everything. Torture as well.

It was all just a useless, meaningless effort. She tossed her life away for him – for this. There she was, back where she had first begun, alone, weeping in the dark.

A little girl, sitting on the floor and the sound of her muffled crying filled the room. She brought her little legs to her chest and she wrapped her arms around her knees, burying her face there, wiping her cheeks with her sleeves.

“Aw, Nat,” her mom knelt beside her and placed a hand on her shoulder. “What’s wrong, baby?”

She sniffled and finally pulled her face off her arms to look at her arm with shiny blue, huge eyes. “I just… I don’t get along with kids my age… and I’m just… I’m so lonely.”

“Aw, sweet girl,” Grace pulled her in her arms and hugged her tight. She caressed her daughter’s hair gently and she smiled when an idea struck her. “Tell you what? If you don’t get along with kids your age, then you will get along with older kids,” Grace pulled back wiping her cheeks and giving her a smile. “How about you meet Mr Smith’s boy? He’s a little older than you but very mature. Just like you, Nathalie.”

And where did that get her? She had been with Erwin ever since. But now, she felt like that lonely, five-year-old girl, crying on the floor in a dark corner of her room. Curled up and weak and alone. So very alone. Nathalie knew loneliness well. Being a Burgess was hard. Being better than anyone was hard because there was hate and jealousy and distaste and a clash of opinions and views of the world.

But when it came to Erwin, there was none of that. He understood her when no one else could. Erwin was that one man behind the walls that could actually rival her ingenuity. So long as he was around, she did not feel alone and misunderstood. He made her feel safe.

Why did he want to take that from her so much?

There was no point in crying. Nathalie had already bawled her eyes out. Crying didn’t change anything. It was merely a waste of her time. Nathalie tried to stand up, but her legs gave up on her. She crashed on her knees with a wince. It was naïve of her to assume that her body would just do what she wanted it. If the brain wasn’t working, then her body couldn’t work either.

Who knows what part she had damaged this time?

And there was no one there to pick her up. She couldn’t expect Erwin to be there. Erwin had never been there for her. He wasn’t about to start now.

Nathalie picked herself up on her wobbly legs and she urged herself to try and walk. She took the lamp in one hand, lightening her way upstairs and into the surface that led to the gardens of the royal palace. She didn’t know whether she’d manage to reach the stables. She didn’t know whether she’d be able to lead her horse through the streets. It was night. It had been around nineteen hours since her fight with Erwin. She hadn’t seen him since and that was alright.

Maybe they needed some time away from each other, but it was a shame because they didn’t have time for this. They were going to take her in that mission and she would be one of the many that wouldn’t make it back.

Sure, Erwin wasn’t going to let her join them to that mission at all. But still, Nathalie was going to disobey him and it wouldn’t be the first time. She just couldn’t stand idle and do nothing and just let him die. She had made that serum that – theoretically – should heal all wounds and it could even restore his arm. It was a gift to herself, a chance to save the man she loved in a crucial hour.

He wouldn’t want her to use it on him, but she’d do it without a thought.

Nathalie led her horse to Trost with a hand clutching the reins and the other holding a handkerchief to her bloody nose. She coughed a couple more times, ruining another handkerchief in her blood.

She brought her horse to the stables and then she limply made her way to the barracks. It wasn’t very late in the night. It seemed the squads hadn’t yet fallen asleep.

“Section Commander Burgess!”

The soldiers saluted her as she walked in. “Take me to the special operations squad,” Nathalie ordered, and the soldier nodded right away.

“Yes, ma’am!”

They walked through the barracks, All soldiers saluted her everywhere she passed. She was the second in command of the entire regiment, so everyone tensed up slightly from her being there at this hour.

Eren, Armin and Mikasa ran to her right away. A smile spread on her lips and she pulled all three of them in her arms tightly.

“Nat!”

“Aw, I missed you, my sweet babies,” Nathalie sighed contently, hugging all three of them tightly and pressing forehead kisses on them all.

Jean chuckled. “Babies,” he teased.

“SHUT UP, JEANBOY!” Eren cried out, glaring at his friend.

Nathalie laughed. “Hey! No bullying on my kids.” She pointed at Jean and everybody laughed. “So, where’s Connie?”

“Oh well, probably stuffing his face on the Survey Corps rations,” Armin chuckled nervously.

“With Sasha,” Mikasa added.

“You snitch!” Jean cried out.

Nathalie chuckled. “Well, bring him to me. I have something give him, and no worries, I won’t tell anyone about that.” She grinned.

“Okay, I’ll be back in a moment,” Jean nodded and set off right away.

Nathalie grunted. Her legs almost gave up on her, but she threw a hand on Eren’s shoulder right away and she tried to keep herself standing.

“Nat!” Armin cried out. He wrapped her other hand around his own shoulders and both him and Eren settled her to sit at the edge of one of their beds.

“What’s wrong with you?!” Eren’s eyes widened, and he sat beside her. A drop of blood rolled down her nostril, but Nathalie wiped it away with her bloody handkerchief.

“A- Are you okay?!” Mikasa asked worriedly but Nathalie merely smiled at them all. She took Eren’s hand in her own, settling it on her lap.

“I am alright. Don’t you three worry.”

They didn’t know. Actually, they didn’t know about anything. About her condition, her chances of being taken or her disease that would kill her in six years. They didn’t know, and it was alright. She would probably never tell them, but that was probably the last time she was there with them.

“Listen,” Nathalie started. “I love all three of you so much. You know that… right?”

“Why does it sound like you’re saying goodbye?” Armin asked. Partly scared, partly, absolutely certain that that was the case.

Was she really saying goodbye? Maybe she was. Maybe she would never see them again. There it was that uncertainty. Maybe uncertainty had become her worst, biggest fear. Maybe the fear of failure was even less than that.

Still, Nathalie smiled at him and she cupped Armin’s cheek. “You’ve always been so smart.”

Eren gritted his teeth and parted his lips to say something, but the other three walked in and saluted her.

“Section Commander!” Sasha slammed a fist on her chest, her mouth full. “We haven’t been eating the Regiment’s rations, ma’am!”

Connie sighed and shook his head, rubbing his forehead. Jean elbowed her. “Sasha! You blew it!”

“What?! I said we didn’t!” Sasha gasped and she leaned close to Nathalie. “Is it you the one who makes those cakes?!?!? THEY’RE THE BEST I’VE EVER HAD!”

Nathalie laughed. “I was wondering who was eating them.” One moment she’d place a cake on the counter, and the next, it was missing.

“I’M SO SORRY, PLEASE TEACH ME HOW TO MAKE THEM!”

Nathalie laughed and stood up off the bed, pressing a hand on Eren’s shoulder for support and she approached the three. “Well, it’s pretty simple…” Nathalie’s hand reached for the pocket of her skirt, and she pulled out her notebook. Amongst science, she had scribbled down recipes too. She found the tastiest one yet, and she tore off the page handing it to Sasha “…here.”

“BY THE WALLS, THANK YOU, SECTION COMMANDER!”

“Just call me Nat,” Nathalie chuckled. “And no worries! Besides, I’m here for Connie.”

Connie looked up, surprised, eyes wide. “Me?”

Nathalie nodded and she approached him. She took out of her bag a box with two syringes inside. “Remember my promise to you?” She took one of the two syringes and she handed it to him. “I need you to go to Ragako and inject your mom with this.”

“W- What do you… what do you mean?”

“It will turn her back into a human and it will wipe out her chances from ever becoming a titan again,” Nathalie took his hand and placed the syringe on his open palm. Tears filled his eyes, but he pulled out a bright smile.

“Wait! So, you figured it out?!” Eren asked curiously.

“I have,” Nathalie nodded. “The Commander doesn’t know yet, but I’ll tell him myself,” she turned at Connie. “I need you to do this fast though, because if they find out that those syringes exist, they might use them on someone else. Someone of their own choosing, and it won’t be your mom.”

Connie sniffled and wiped a tear that ran down his cheek. “Oh man… I don’t think I can thank you enough… Nat.” He saluted her but Nathalie pulled him in a hug instead and he buried his face in her shoulder, holding her tight. Nathalie looked at Sasha and Jean who were standing behind and she motioned at them both.

“Come here, you two,” she chuckled, and Sasha fell in her arms with a laugh and so did Jean.

God, she loved those kids. Little did she know that Petra was outside the door, watching this and, how the hell had those kids managed to bond with Nathalie so damn fast? Maybe Petra was being jealous again because she had tried to bond with them too. She was the second in command of the Special Operations Squad, she had practically raised those kids all those months, but she had never once had them hugging her like this!

It was infuriating, how easy it was for Nathalie to steal her place as a mentor of those kids and as a lover of the man that she was engaged to. Petra knew Nathalie was perfect, but she hated it. She hated it so much. It made her a terrible person.

Petra left, deciding to drink all that tea that she had made on her own.

༻◊۞◊༺

After bidding the kids goodnight and trying her best to reassure Eren’s worries about her health, Nathalie was now standing in front of the door of their shared quarters. It was late in the night now and if she knew him well, she could tell he must have passed out on his desk by now. Nathalie felt like passing out too, but she had to keep it together for now. She would pass out on their bed and would probably not wake up again.

Nathalie entered his office hesitantly, but she let out a breath of relief when she realised he was sleeping. He had passed out on his desk like she expected him to. Nathalie took that blanket that she kept on his couch, and she draped it over his shoulders like she had done so many times before. Even before they were even together.

But he was so precious right there, like this. She had caught him like this so many times. His cheek pressing on his arm that laid beneath him on the desk. A peaceful expression on his face. Soft snores escaped his nose. His hair, messy, some falling on his forehead in a beautiful mess. He would forever be the man she loved no matter what he did and said.

Nathalie leaned down and pressed a kiss on his temple. She had spent most of the past day crying for him, but she still did that. She brushed a few of his hair away from his forehead and slipped the back of her fingers on his cheek fondly. Maybe part of her hoped he’d wake up and they’d have a final conversation.

But he was in deep slumber and that was alright.

Her hand reached for her bag, and she pulled out three boxes that contained the syringes. One syringe that could turn a titan into a human, two syringes that could eradicate Ymir’s genes in someone and thus eradicating their chances of ever becoming a titan, and two more than could heal and bring someone from the brink of death.

Nathalie had actually made three of them, but the third one would stay hidden inside her bag for now. She would use it on her beloved man if the situation called for it. She placed them all on his desk and she took out her notebook from the pocket of her skirt. She looked at it for a moment. The bloody, chapped pages. The black leather wrapping and her name carved on the front in elegant letters. Her final notebook.

She placed it on his desk. Her life’s work, in his hands. Her precious research was now his. She did everything he asked. It was now his turn to use it to save the world.

“I love you dearly,” She whispered softly in his ear before pressing another kiss on his temple and turning to head for their bedroom. She walked limply.

She threw a hand on the wall, trying to keep herself standing on her wobbly feet that would give up on her any moment. She crashed on the bed and took off her glasses and her bag, settling them both aside.

Nathalie lied down, too tired to even change. Too tired to even wrap a blanket around her. Sleep took her immediately.

But she didn’t wake up.

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

Hange sighed. "She's in a coma. In Marley, they would be able to… keep her alive until she wakes up, but here? With our current technology there's nothing we can do. If she doesn't wake up in about a week... she's going to starve and eventually die. I guess... it is up to her whether she wakes up or not.”

Chapter 75: Panic

Notes:

TYSM FOR THE AWESOME SUPPORT TO THE TWO PPL WHO COMMENT dnfjheiuwio UWU

and thank u to the others who are hopefully reading

this is where the sadness begins ehehehehehe

Erwin woke up with a headache and that familiar pain rushing through his cramped muscles. He had fallen asleep on his desk, again, but there was a blanket thrown around him. Erwin urged himself to straighten up his aching back with a grunt and he looked down on his desk. Her notebook was there.

It was Notebook No. 38. She used to count them. She had filled out thirty-eight of them throughout the years. And then, there were three boxes that he didn’t remember them being there. The blanket on his shoulders was enough proof that she returned last night.

He almost went insane and contemplated sending people to find her when she stormed out of his office after their fight. But he had a feeling he knew where she was. She was in the catacomb labs, wasn’t she? Erwin opened those boxes and revealed the syringes beneath, with labels on what they did and how they should be used.

She had used up all twelve of the hours left in the lab to make these. She had disobeyed him yet again. How much damage had she done to herself this time?

What the hell did he have to do to make her listen? Did she want him to tie her down on a leash like a dog? Was that the only choice she was giving him? She was hurting herself whilst doing that research and he knew he shouldn’t mind it. He should weigh the importance of her research over the importance of a single person’s health.

But he did not do that. He loved her. To hell with the world. He didn’t mind dying and suffering for a greater cause, but not her. Not her. She was precious to him.

“Do you regret it.”

“Yes,” because he was going to hurt her. He had given her all that hope. All those dreams of the future that the two of them would have together. Hopeless dreams about a future that would never become their reality. He had given her so much hope and it was going to hurt her so damn much if he were to die in a few days.

He didn’t know what to do. He had taken this too far. He had fucking married her. He had almost convinced himself that he was going to have a better fate than what he planned to have for himself. But his plans were the most realistic ones. They would never have children. They would never get a home. They would never know peace. They’d only know war and pain and loss and mourning and grief.

That was all that was planned out for them.

And yes, he was regretting marrying her, because he would die, and she would know she lost a husband, not some meaningless lover or friend or a man she simply knew. He was her husband, and she would be his widow and it would all be so damn painful and unfair for her, and she would spend the rest of her life, dressed in black and grieving.

That was the last thing he ever wanted for her.

But she didn’t see it that way. She probably thought he didn’t love her. And why shouldn’t she? He had never even told her he loved her. He never even dared utter that four-letter word.

Maybe he would today. He had to fix this. He had to talk to her. They had to fix this because the time they had was now limited to only three days. If he died in that mission, he didn’t want to regret never fixing this with her. If he died, he wanted her to know he loved her.

Erwin stood up, letting the blanket land on his chair and he made his way to the bedroom. She was lying there, on their bed, on her side. She was still in her clothes. A white shirt, and a brown skirt. Blood had dripped from her nostrils and her lips, ruining her white pillow beneath her. She didn’t even have a blanket draped over her. Erwin sighed and he threw a blanket over her small body, gently not to wake her.

She did not shift in place like she usually would. It wasn’t the first time he had found her like this, and he was laying a blanket over her body. She would usually shift into the blanket’s warmth, and she’d bury her face in it. Nathalie would grab it and wrap it around her instinctively in her sleep. She would nuzzle into it.

But her skin was pale, and she had been in that position for hours now. He couldn’t know, but it looked like it. Erwin sat beside her on the edge of the bed, and he took her hand in his own, pressing his thumb on her pulse at the base of her wrist. There was a pulse, but it was slow. Erwin had to make sure of it. He didn’t know as much about medical stuff as Nathalie did, but they taught basic and emergency medical procedures in the training corps and his memory served him well.

There was a clock hanging by the wall. For one minute, he counted the rate of her heartbeat. He counted 48 beats in one minute which was greatly low. It should have been above 60 at least. He didn’t know what that could mean, he just knew it was bad.

Worry started to overtake him.

“What have you done, Nathalie…” he whispered, knowing she wasn’t listening. He brought her body to lie on her back. He rested her hand on his lap and his hand reached for her cheek. “You can’t wake up, can you?” Even if he tried to shake her awake, she wouldn’t wake up, would she? She was in complete unconsciousness.

What did that mean? Was she just too tired? Did she exhaust her body so much that she couldn’t slip out slumber? Why was her heartbeat so slow? Why was she limp and unmoving and unresponsive to all his attempts to wake her? He shook her body, he called out for her to wake up.

What does it mean?! Was she never going to wake up again?!

He was panicking now. He wasn’t just worrying. He was panicking and breathing hard and his hold around her hand was so very tight. He had things to tell her. He had to make this right, he was going to leave in three days. He was going to leave, and he was probably never going to come back. He was probably going to die in that mission, but he couldn’t do that so long as he hadn’t resolved this.

He had to fix this with her.

But she had taken that chance from him.

He knew exactly why she had done this. It wasn’t about finishing her research, and it most certainly wasn’t about science. It was never about science – like she always claimed.

He took away her chance to hold him for one last time in the battlefield, and in return, she took away his chance to fix this and say a final goodbye before he’d leave. She struck him with the same card, the same excruciating pain. She was punishing him for hurting her – for admitting that he regretted marrying her, loving her, wanting her.

“Is this your way of punishing me?” Erwin asked, but he got no answer. He took her hand in his own. “Squeeze my hand if that’s true,” he said, even though he knew she was unconscious and she couldn’t have possibly heard him.

No response again. Her tender fingers were limp in his own.

She couldn’t hear him.

Maybe he deserved this. Maybe he deserved that punishment because he had been terrible to her.

“Do you regret it?”

“Yes.”

How dare he say that? He should have just lied to her. He should have just… he should have… he didn’t even know what to do anymore. Was hurting her a good option to make her pain after his death bearable? What if he had said something else?

“Do you regret it?”

“Yes,” Erwin looked at her. He knew she wasn’t listening, but he hoped because hope was all she had left him with “I regret marrying you, but it is because I love you, Nathalie. I love you, and if I die on that mission, you will have lost a husband and you would grieve for the rest of your life,” he shook his head. “I don’t want this for you.”

He brought her cold hand to his face, rubbing his cheek against her open, tender palm. Her fingers were still cold and unmoving and he couldn’t believe he wouldn’t feel her touch ever again. He couldn’t believe that was it.

He couldn’t believe this was all they had. It had only been two months since he had married her. That wasn’t nearly enough. He hadn’t done with her everything he wanted to do. He hadn’t built them a home. He hadn’t told her he loved her. He hadn’t said it at all. He hadn’t told her everything he wanted to tell her. He had wasted their time.

If only he had spent with her all that time that he had spent on useless paperwork.

Now he was going to march to his death, and he would know that the last discussion he ever had with the woman that he loved would be a fight. So meaningless and terrible.

Just like their relationship.

Erwin placed her hand on the bed beside her and he stood up. He leaned down pressing a kiss on her forehead. Even in her deep unconsciousness, she was so very beautiful. He ran the back of his fingers across her cheek and he sighed heavily.

“I love you…” he said, hoping she’d hear it this time. He’d probably say this too many times in the last three days. “…I just want you to be happy… knowing that happiness is something I cannot give you… you should have married a man who can.”

Erwin walked out of their bedroom. He was going to notify Hange and await of her diagnosis about this. Hange wasn’t going to like it. No one was going to like it. Nathalie was loved by everyone, it was her gentleness and her kindness, and how lovable she was that drew everybody to her side. Yet, Erwin knew she could be cruel too. What she had done to him now – it was cruel.

Still, he couldn’t say he didn’t deserve it. He had been cruel to her as well. This was merely what he deserved.

“SHE DID WHAT?!”

Hange’s reaction was as predictable as ever. She caught Erwin by the shirt and she tugged him down to her.

“WHAT THE HELL DID YOU TELL HER?!”

Erwin sighed. “We had a fight-”

“AND?!”

He couldn’t quite tell her about them being married but “I was being… cruel.”

“TYPICAL ERWIN BEHAVIOUR!” Hange finally released him and she almost launched an attack on her commander only for Moblit to catch her and hold her in place.

“Please, Section Commander! We need the Commander in one piece for the mission!”

“OH, I’M BRINGING ALL THE PIECES I’M ABOUT TO BUST!”

“Hange!” Levi growled. “Quit your blabbering and tell us what’s wrong with her.” They were all in Erwin’s bedroom. Nathalie still lying on the bed in the position Erwin had left her in. Cold and limp in deep slumber.

Hange sighed. “According to Nathalie, in Marley they call it a coma,” she tucked her glasses further up the bridge of her nose. “She has lost consciousness. She doesn’t react to pain or any other stimulation. Her heart rate has slowed down which suggests that the cause of her state is very low oxygen levels in the blood.” She sighed heavily “In Marley, they would be able to… keep her alive until she wakes up, but here? I can’t do anything, I’m sorry.” They didn’t have the equipment Nathalie had once told her about.

“When is she going to wake up?” Erwin asked.

Hange and Moblit shared a look and Hange let out a sob. She buried her face in her hands and started crying loudly. Moblit wrapped an arm around her and brought her to bury her face in his shoulder and then he looked up at Erwin and Levi who were still waiting for an answer.

“Well… we… we don’t know…” Moblit answered.

“What do you mean you don’t know?!” Levi growled. “You’re a doctor too, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” Moblit frowned. “But when it comes to a coma there is nothing that we can do and with the technology on Paradis being… the way it is… there’s really nothing we can do.” Moblit looked at Nathalie. “It is up to her whether she wakes up or not. If she doesn’t in about a week, she’s going to starve and… eventually die.”

Erwin couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Was she going to die?! Now?! He didn’t have a week to wait for her. He didn’t have enough time to wait for her to wake up. If she woke up. Erwin fisted his fingers harshly enough to dig his nails in the palm of his hand. He couldn’t believe this was happening.

“Leave us,” Erwin said. His voice cold. The look on his face – an unbreakable wall, masking all that rage and sadness he felt beneath.

“I’m not going anywhere!” Hange cried out. She pulled away from Moblit and pushed Erwin out of the way. She sank her knee in the bed beside Nathalie and she grabbed Nathalie by the collar of her white shirt, lifting her up off the bed slightly. “I know you’re listening! You better fucking wake up! And soon! I need you on our research! We need you on that mission!”

“I wasn’t going to let her come,” Erwin said. Maybe if he had never told her that he wouldn’t let her, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. But even if he had let her work on finishing her research, the result would have still been the same and he would blame himself either way.

He was her husband. She was his responsibility. Maybe he couldn’t fight for her and protect her, but he could protect her from herself. Her stupid self-destructive urges to put her life on the line. Maybe that was the only thing he could protect her from, but he hadn’t even done that.

How useless was he?

“Makes more sense now,” Levi spoke.

Before Erwin knew it, he was knocked against the wall. He gasped as his back was slammed against the brick wall and he looked down at Levi who had grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and there was a furious, borderline intimidating look on Levi’s face.

“When will you fucking stop hurting her?! You’re lucky she loves you, otherwise I would’ve killed you a long time now,” Levi growled.

When will you stop hurting her? Levi was right. Levi would have never treated her like this. Levi wouldn’t worry about letting her come to that mission, because Levi would and could protect her. He could protect her better than anybody. Anybody could protect her better than Erwin could. Erwin was missing an arm. He couldn’t fight. He couldn’t protect her. She’d be the one to protect him in that mission.

It had always been she the one to protect him in every mission. Why do you think I got better than you? Why do you think I joined the Survey Corps in the first place? I joined to protect you, she once told him.

“If I didn’t love you, I would have never joined the Survey Corps. I wouldn’t set my mind on becoming a better soldier than you if it wasn’t for the sake of protecting you.” She once said.

Erwin couldn’t even muster the courage to look at Levi in the eye. “She should have never fallen for me.” He admitted silently.

“Yeah…” Levi finally released him “…no shit.”

“Let him,” Moblit placed a hand on Levi’s shoulder to calm him down. “It’s not the Commander’s fault. They simply had a fight and she reacted. That was all.” Moblit tried to reason.

“If they didn’t have a fight then she wouldn’t have reacted at all! Heck, she’d be fucking alive now,” Levi spat.

“No,” Hange sat beside Nathalie on the edge of her bed. He took Nathalie’s hand in her own and settled it on her lap. “I love her. She’s like a little sister to me, but on that, she’s wrong,” Hange said wiping the tears off her cheeks. “Erwin’s decision to not let her come to that mission is not misplaced. Nathalie is important. Her mind is important,” she gritted her teeth and gave Nathalie’s limp hand a squeeze “but now, the last Burgess in this world is going to die in our hands.”

That was a fact that they couldn’t run away from. If she didn’t wake up, then that was it. They were going to lose her. Moblit wrapped an arm around Hange helping her stand up, leading her out of the quarters.

“C’mon, she’ll be alright. She’s going to wake up, you’ll see,” Moblit reassured her but neither of them really believed it. The two walked out and Levi shot Erwin a final glare before he walked out of the room as well.

Erwin sighed heavily and he looked back at her. Lying down, cold and unmoving still. What was he going to do? They couldn’t let her die. He couldn’t lose her. Fuck the world. He couldn’t do anything without her.

Why was she being so very cruel? He would never do this to her… actually he would. Maybe he deserved this punishment more than he thought. He was about to do to her the same thing. He was going to get himself killed. He was going to hurt her just as much as she was hurting him right now.

Why was their relationship like this? They had been hurting each other for years now. What kind of relationship was this? Why did he even marry her when he knew things would end up like this?

Maybe – like her – deep down he hoped they would one day get that normality they both had so much dreamt of.  

Erwin settled beside her, and he brought her to his embrace, cradling her like a baby. He brought her head to rest on his shoulder and his arm tightened around her, pressing her against him. He buried his face in her hair, drawing in her scent and he shut his eyes. He knew they were never going to have anything they had talked about, but he still refused to believe that this was the end of their relationship. It had ended way much sooner than he had planned.

“Wake up, Nathalie…” he ignored his damp eyelashes as he shut his eyes closed tight. He pressed a kiss on her forehead and his arm tightened around her “…please… please… I love you…”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

 

“Will you… take this to her?” Erwin asked. He handed Levi his wedding ring. That was his final request before he'd ride to his own death.

 

Ah yes the next chapter is the battle in Shiganshina ehehehe😈😈😈

Chapter 76: Dirge

Notes:

this is a veeeeerrrrryyy niiiiceeee chappppp PLS ENJOY

lemme know if u cry i wanna feed my sadism ehehehheheheheh

UNEDITED!!!

Erwin was spending more of his time checking up on her than actually working. She was all he could think about. Was she really never going to wake up? He had to talk to her. He had to fix what they had. He couldn’t leave before fixing their relationship. There was no way he could leave without fixing this. He needed to fix this. He would probably die in the mission. Those three days were his only chance.

Still, Nathalie was getting paler by the day and he spent his nights, laying his head on her chest, listening to her heartbeat, making sure it was still beating. He had never been so terrified before. Heck, even when his own poor mother died, he hadn’t panicked so much.

Nathalie was filling all the voids. She filled the voids his parents left, the voids all his friends had left – friends that would either leave or die in Expeditions – Miche, Nile. She was his link to his past self – to that careless boy that would laugh and smile much more often than he now did. He had lost that innocence, that smile. But all she had to do was wake up and maybe he’d smile again and beg for forgiveness.

He just wanted her to be okay.

Today was the last day. He held a morning meeting, telling everybody about the plan and making a final revision. They were going to use Nathalie’s serums to see if they worked, but for now, only the two that heal, one to be given to Hange, the other to be held by Levi and an extra syringe of titan spinal fluid in case they’d get the chance to steal either colossal or the armoured titan. Erwin trusted both Hange and Levi. They would know how to use those syringes when the right time would come.

They were to serve meat to their soldiers tonight before the big mission. They had probably blown their entire budget on that, but Erwin didn’t mind. Those kids deserved to have a good meal tonight before tomorrow’s tough mission.

But Erwin couldn’t go downstairs. He couldn’t leave her. He didn’t care about the meal and eating meat.

He couldn’t leave her now. Tomorrow he was going to leave her forever.

She was still lying down on her side of the bed. Her hands resting to her sides. He had put her in a nightgown to be more comfortable, but she was still in deep unconsciousness.

Erwin lied beside her, and he watched her. He had imagined this night quite different. He had imagined he’d kiss her and hold her and have her beneath him for one last night. Of course, nothing was sure. Maybe nothing terrible was going to happen tomorrow. Maybe he would survive and come back to her and in about a week she’d wake up and they’d talk, and they’d fix this.

But the chances of that happening were so little.

Erwin laid his head on her chest, and he wrapped his arm around her belly. He closed his eyes and listened to her slow heartbeat. He sighed heavily, holding her tightly.

Why wouldn’t she just wake up? Why couldn’t she just give him a few minutes. That was all he asked. They only had a few hours now. He’d have to depart early in the morning.

“Please… talk to me…” Erwin had never pleaded anyone before. But she… she made him a different man. She made him weak for all the right reasons. “Wake up and talk to me… We don’t have much time.”

Still, nothing. There was no point. She would probably never wake up again. It was all his fault. He should have never joined the damn Scouts. He should have never joined the damn military in the first place. Things could have been so much different.

But what choice did he have? Never join the military and just marry her and have children and the family they wanted? If he did that, he would merely ignore everything that was so wrong about their world. If he did that, he would let a thousands-of-years-old problem for his children to solve themselves.

He would never do that. In fact, it was because of neglecting all those issues – all those enemies and that terrible past – that their world was now in this mess and he had to be one of the sacrifices that would lead to something better. His desires were what he had to sacrifice so that the future generations would have everything he and she didn’t.

He shouldn’t have married her in the first place. He told himself they had time when he married her. He told himself that two months were going to be enough. He had no idea that there was never going to be enough time to spend with her. Even if they got to live out their lives, it would never be enough. Two months were nothing. They passed by in a blink and now… now only a few hours were left and she wasn’t conscious. She had stolen him three days to prepare for a goodbye.

She hadn’t even given him the chance to say goodbye.

She snatched that from him just as he snatched away her desire to follow him to his death.

What kind of relationship was that? They both struck each other with the same cruel card. What kind of marriage was that? How did they hope to handle raising children when they couldn’t even handle dealing with each other?

Erwin buried his nose in her neck and nuzzled there deeply. He never thought he would ever look so pathetic. He never thought anybody could mean so much to him. He never thought he’d even have this. Someone to love and hold. Someone to be so scared to lose. He was so cold when it came to people dying because it was a vital part of his job to be able and deal with it.

He had lost so many friends and so many good soldiers that would do everything he ordered them to without question. Heck, Miche was gone. No one yet knew where he was and Erwin had come in terms with handling this mission without him and his skilled squad. Miche had left another huge void, but Nathalie had managed to fill that too. Nathalie filled out every loss he had ever endured, but what was going to happen if she died? What was he going to do if he lost her?

He had no idea. He always wanted to be the first to die. He always wanted to be him the first, because he didn’t know what he’d do if it was she the first to die.

Erwin pulled his face from her neck. His nose nuzzled in her cheek, and he looked up at her. He rested his head on her pillow beside her and he pressed his forehead against her temple. His hand found her belly. There was a small bump there, but he assumed it was her gown folded up beneath their blankets. He held her tightly clutching on her gown.

“I love you so much… please wake up… please…” he said for the millionth time. Still, no response. Erwin fell asleep holding her, just like the previous nights.  

And in the next morning, he stood there, dressed up and ready, in his ODM and his Survey Corps uniform. He was ready to depart any moment. But all he did was just be there. Sitting beside her on the edge of the bed, watching her, waiting. Maybe she would wake up any moment. Maybe he would get the chance to talk to her one last time. Maybe he would get the chance to fix this.

A knock came on his door. It was Levi. “Erwin. It’s time.” He said and whatever hope Erwin had mustered, instantly vanished. Erwin turned his face down, watching his hand holding her own.

“I’m coming.” He called out and he heard Levi’s footsteps as he walked away.

Erwin looked at her beautiful face. Still, lying limp on the bed. Her skin had gotten colder. Her lips were almost a pale blue, but he checked on her pulse and it was there. She was breathing. She was alive but just barely. Weaker than the first day. Erwin sighed heavily.

Maybe she would die. She would die right here on this bed, and he would die on the battlefield today. Maybe their fate as husband and wife was for both of them to just die one day. No dreams realised. Not even the one of saving the world.

He had always known it would come to this, he just never knew how. He could have never realised that she’d take the chance of him telling her goodbye. He wanted to go to a war, and he wanted to leave her behind? Like what? Some housewife like all the others that stared hopelessly at their husbands riding away on their horses?

As if she hadn’t had any training. As if, all she knew to do was be a housewife and take care of a house and children. But Nathalie wasn’t remotely close to something like that. Nathalie was a scientist. Nathalie was a warrior. She had joined the Scouts and she had trained so hard – and she had become perfect on something that she didn’t even have to be perfect at – just so that she would never be treated like those housewives.

She had done all of this just so that she could be with him when he’d set out to throw himself in battle. She had done all of that so that she could ride out to her death with him. All she ever wanted was to be with him. With him in life, torture, battle, death.

Nathalie had been following Erwin ever since they were children. She was always on his side in every game they played with the other kids of the neighbourhood. She followed him into the Scouts. She followed him into every single Expedition they made beyond the walls. She followed him into every battle, even in an interrogation room where she got tortured just as much as he did, and she hadn’t hesitated one bit.

She would follow him to death without hesitation all the same.

But now, she chose too fast to die. He wasn’t yet ready for it but maybe she was doing him a favour. Now, that her state was so dire, he didn’t have anything holding him back. She was his only reason to live – his only reason not to throw his life away. He always knew she was always there, waiting for him to come back to her, but now that she wasn’t going to be there… he had nothing and no one to come back to.

He no longer had ties holding him back to this world. His dreams were meaningless without her.

Maybe she was doing him a favour indeed. He was going to toss his life away without a spec of guilt or hesitation.

Erwin brought her hand to his lips, pressing a kiss on the back of her palm. He opened her palm, pressing it on his face so that he could feel her tender fingers on his cheeks even if it meant for just one last time. He always loved the way she cupped his face. Fingers so soft and warm and tender. He rubbed his cheek on her hand, now cold and unmoving.

He always knew that they’d never get much time but the day he married her, he never imagined their time would be so short.

“The day I married you… I actually allowed myself to dream of something different than what I’ve dreamt of all these years – a life with you.” He cupped her cheek and brushed her hair behind her ear, just the way she always tucked them there herself. “Now I realise… our dreams were foolish and absurdly idealised. Still… I will never regret letting you, helping me feel what being human feels like… but…” he couldn’t lose his resolve. Not now “…please. We don’t have much time. Wake up and talk to me… please… please, just talk to me…”

God, he was so desperate and pathetic like this. Burying his face in his hand, wiping away a few stray tears. He had never cried for anyone. Not even when his comrades were dying in front of his face. Probably the last time he had cried for someone was his own father at his funeral. She made him feel like that desperate little boy. He had been blaming himself for his father’s death all those years, and now, Nathalie’s impeding death was going to be another death he’d blame himself for.

It was ironic of how all the people he loved the most were the ones he indirectly killed himself.

No response still.

Erwin leaned close, pressing a kiss on her cold unmoving lips. He wanted to taste her for one last time. He wanted to feel the silky brush of her tongue against his own. Her sweetness filling his mouth. He wanted to feel her. But his sweet girl was taken from his arms far faster than he ever thought she would.

“I love you, Nathalie Smith. My wife. My greatest happiness, my deepest sorrow. My uprising… and my downfall.” He spoke tenderly against her lips before he pulled back and he stood up.

He made his way out of the room, sparing one last glance, hoping still, but nothing whatsoever. He turned to leave at last. The cold look of a ruthless Commander, worn like a mask on his eyes – blue eyes that wept.

༻◊۞◊༺

Things couldn’t get worse. They were cornered. The Beast was there, just as Nathalie had described him. Huge and powerful and every throw it dropped upon their defenceless troops was killing dozens in every throw, splattering their blood all over the air and debris of what was once a town nearby the wall. The other side of the wall didn’t seem to be the solution. The Colossal and the Armoured titans were there. Eren had been tossed on the wall like a weightless doll – probably by the Colossal that was now spready fire all over Shiganshina.

All their squads had been defeated. The only ones left, the new recruits, mere children breaking down over their dire situation. They were surrounded by the Beast and around twelve larger titans that stood around him. There was no way to flee.

In every way Erwin tried to figure it out – their chances of survival were slim, next to nothing. It was today… wasn’t it? The day he’d march into his death. Only now did he realise that Nathalie was right. They should have waited longer. They should have waited for the lab to be functional, and he should have given her the time to fix those syringes that could heal wounds and they should have supplied every single soldier with at least one of them.

He should have given her more time.

Through the hell of it all, Erwin was relieved for one thing and one thing alone – Nathalie wasn’t there. She wasn’t there, but if she was, she would ride with him to die beside him. Instead, she was back at the safety of the walls. Maybe she would get better. Maybe she would wake up and maybe she’d find a man who would give her everything she ever wanted. A man who could truly love her in the way he never did.

“You could tell what’s left of the recruits and Hange’s group to run away on horseback. They don’t have much of a chance, but they’ll be decoys. They can give Eren a shot at escaping,” Levi suggested.

“Tell me… how would you fit into this plan?” Erwin asked.

“I’ll go after the Beast Titan. I’ll draw him away somehow and-”

“You can’t. You won’t even make it near him.” Not with the way the beast was throwing those boulders at them, not to mention the twelve titans that were backing him.

“Probably not.” Levi didn’t mind laying down his life here and now. He could easily be replaced. “But, if you and Eren make it home alive, they’ll still be hope.” He sighed. “We’ve been brutalised. It seems that this mission will be where the Scout Regiment gets finished off.”

“Yes… if we had no way to fight back, then you would be right.”

Levi’s eyes widened and he looked up at him. “Is there a way?”

“There is.”

“You could have mentioned that before! Care to explain why you kept your shitty mouth shut?!” It’s like they had all the time in the world. When the town was incapacitated, they would be the next targets of those stones.

“The plan could go two ways. Best shot, we get a decent chance at killing the Beast Titan, but for it to succeed, the recruits and I will have to die. The Survey Corps may survive, but regardless, most of us will end up dead. Frankly, we’re almost guaranteed to be defeated no matter what. The recruits and I will be staking our deaths on the slimmest chance of victory.”

He had no idea how he was still holding it together. Maybe he wasn’t. He needed to sit down. There was a wooden box by a still standing wall of a building. How does one not go insane when they know they’re about to die? What was he going to tell those poor recruits? This was their first mission, and they were all going to die in it.

And he was going to lead them to their deaths.

Would Nathalie know what to do if she were there? Would she be able to give him some clever idea? Some alternative way out of this? What would she say? What would she do?

She would follow him. She would die with him.

“For this to work… to convince these youths to charge toward their deaths, would take an expert conman and a whole slew of lies. If I don’t lead the vanguard myself then none of them will have the courage, which means, I must be the first to charge… and the first to be slain as well…”

Erwin sat down. He had kept the act of the strong, apathic Commander long enough. Even when everybody around him was dying – even when he was the only one left and all this friends and the people he ever knew were gone – even then, his act was unwavering. He kept telling himself it was for the truth. For a foolish boy’s dream to prove his father right.

That was all he had ever fought for and then, Nathalie came and delivered him the entire truth on a silver platter, but the true evidence was in that cellar. They needed it if they were to convince everyone behind the walls to believe that there’s a world outside.

But he knew the truth. And he had achieved everything he had ever fought for, but it was only because of her.

Erwin breathed shakily and he buried his face in his hands. “I… I didn’t even get to say goodbye.”

The last thing he ever told her was how he had regretted marrying her. How dare he say that? How dare it be the last thing she’d have ever heard from him? Erwin’s hand reached for the string around his neck where his wedding ring was still hanging from.

What the hell was he thinking when he asked her to marry him? They both knew it was a bad idea. They both knew it wasn’t going to result to happiness. But how could he not marry her when he loved her so much? When she stopped him from being stuck and fighting over a boy’s dream and she showed him there was more to life than that? There were greater things to fight for.

A better world where he and she and everyone would be able to live free.

“What do you want us to do after it’s all over?”

“I want us to get a house,” she said, and he chuckled. “But I don’t want it in the District.”

“Alright then. I’ll build us one,” he said, and she giggled, picking her head up to look at him with those bright blue eyes that he’d never look upon again.

The night they danced. It was at the queen’s coronation. It was their first ever dance. Their last as well. How she had buried her face in his shirt, and she had clutched on him tightly. He had clutched on her just as tightly. They knew this moment would come. They knew they only had two months as husband and wife. No more than that.

Today he was going to die and maybe, she was already dead as well. He didn’t want to go back and find nothing but a tombstone. The woman he loved, buried in the same cemetery he had buried his father. Both, died from his own selfishness.

No. Erwin did not want to go back to find her lifeless lying on his bed without a beating heart and pale skin. For once in his life, he was scared of something so much, he couldn’t face it. He could not lose her. He could not lose her smile, her sweet laughter. Her soft touch, her blue eyes that were a slightly different shade of blue than his own.

She was so precious to him and that’s why he married her. He married her knowing it would come to this. And she knew it too. Their marriage was bound to die and break too fast. Faster than he could handle. He thought he could handle it when he married her. He thought he’d be strong enough to get over it.

He was a fool.

So, that was it, wasn’t it? That was what had become of their dreams. Dreams of normality. The chance to live out their lives together. Dreams that were so simple. It was nothing too great to ask for, right? Was it too much to ask to live alongside the woman he loved till he got old? People would get that kind of ending without even asking for it.

“Erwin?” Levi’s voice snapped him out of it. He knelt down in front of his commander, watching him as he stared blankly on that golden ring.

“I widowed her the day I married her.” Erwin breathed shakily and he gathered the ring into a fist bringing it to his chest, his heart. He was about to leave her, and he hadn’t even gotten the chance to take it back. To take back that stupid, stupid word.

“Do you regret it?”

“Yes.”

He couldn’t believe that was the last thing he’d ever said to her. That was all she’d have from him. A greedy, ungrateful bastard who was just never satisfied with anything she ever did. She had been so perfect, she had tried so hard to do everything he asked of her. She had put her life in danger to do that damned research just because he had asked her to. She had taken all that pain, she had worked so hard to become a skilled scout, just because he had asked her to.

But he still told her he regretted marrying her, loving her.

That was all she had from him.

But in the end, she knew he would put his duties above the woman that he loved.

Erwin pulled the string with the ring from around his neck and he handed it to Levi. Levi would survive this. Levi was skilled. He was a survivor. Even when everyone else would be dead, Levi would still make it out because he was an Ackerman, and he was simply better.

He was simply better than him. Better for Nathalie. Better suited to love her and protect her and be there for her and be everything Erwin never was for her. It was Levi whomst Nathalie should have married.

“Will you… take this to her?” Erwin asked. It wasn’t an order neither a request. It was a plea.

Levi looked at the ring with a surprised look on his face. Erwin really did love her, didn’t he? He had never seen this man break down, but here he was, and Levi was watching. But he wasn’t breaking down for having this entire mission being the grandest failure yet.

He was breaking down because he was never going to see her again.

Levi had been wrong all along. Maybe Erwin indeed loved her in the end. He took the string and he passed it around his neck, keeping it safe beneath his shirt.

“I will,” Levi reassured him.

Maybe Erwin was asking for too much, but he didn’t want her to be alone. She had been lonely ever since she was a little girl. But then, he came around, being with her always. Now, he was going to die. He was no longer going to be there, and he knew she would close back up to herself. He knew her so well.

Levi stood up and he turned to leave but Erwin stopped him.

“Look after her for me…” Erwin said “…keep her safe, please. I know you and Petra are engaged, but please… don’t leave her alone.” He shook his head. “She always tends to drift to loneliness.”

He was leaving her. God, he was leaving her. The realisation was coming to him in waves. He was going to become her deepest sorrow. Her downfall. 

“I would forever choose Nathalie over Petra.”

Levi kept his back turned on him as he made his little confession. He regretted every single word in that sentence, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t true. His heart still ached for Nathalie no matter what he’d do. Erwin’s eyes widened at the confession.

“I’ll keep her safe. You have my word.”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

Nathalie’s eyes snapped wide open, and she drew in a sudden, deep breath, like a dead woman who had just been brought back to the world of the living.

Chapter 77: Meet Me On the Battlefield

Notes:

Here's one of the best chapters in this book so far, pls enjoy and comment!

And ofc it's unedited cuz the author is sleep-deprived, uwu

check out my ANGST Playlist, full of all the angst songs I listen to while writing this fic 👌👌👌

"Meet Me On the Battlefield" by SVRCINA - (Spotify Link)

Just wanna lay me down and finally
Try to get some sleep

We carry on through the storm
Tired soldiers in this war
Remember what we're fighting for

Meet me on the battlefield
Even on the darkest night
I will be your sword and shield, your camouflage
And you will be mine

Echoes and the shots ring out
We may be the first to fall
Everything can stay the same, or we could change it all

Meet me on the battlefield

We're standing face to face
With our own human race
We commit the sins again, and our sons and daughters pay

Our tainted history is playing on repeat
But we could change it if we stand up strong and take the lead

---

A few hours earlier

Nathalie’s eyes snapped wide open, and she drew in a sudden, deep breath, like a dead woman who had just been brought back to the world of the living.

What day is it? How long was I…? She had no idea. She just knew it had been three or maybe four days. But if it had been three days, then the mission had already begun and from the sound of it, she was the only person in the entire Survey Corps HQ.

Nathalie pushed herself off the bed and she landed on the floor with a grunt. Face down on the floor, her legs, paralyzed, refusing to move no matter how much she tried. She hadn’t moved at all in days, she could tell as much. But today was the day and she knew it because it sounded like the HQ was completely empty. It was today, wasn’t it? They had left for the Expedition.

No! No, no, no, no, no… and she was left behind just like she was so scared she’d be.

Nathalie propped herself up on her elbows and she looked back at her paralysed legs that just wouldn’t move. She knew she was going to fall into a coma. She knew it when she checked her oxygen levels before leaving the lab. Nathalie grunted as she used her hands to drag her entire body on the floor and to make her way to her bag that was hanging from the coatstand in his office.

She was exhausted and breathing hard by the time she got there. Her stomach was growling and aching from immense hunger and there was a bitter taste in her mouth. She needed food and water but she chose to ignore that for now. Nathalie reached up for her bag that was hanging. She knocked it on the floor and she found two syringes inside. One, the one that she had fixed that healed wounds, two, pure adrenaline. She had found it in the lab. She only hoped it would work.

Nathalie injected herself with it and she released the liquid in her veins. She knew it wasn’t physically good for her health to do that, but she did it anyway. She had to stand up on her feet. She had to run. She had to leave as fast as she possibly could and there was no way she was letting her poor health get in the way of saving the man she loved.

She felt it rush through her body, awakening her limbs with an urgency unlike anything she’d ever felt before. Nathalie pulled herself up on her feet, throwing her hands on the walls as she tried to steady herself to make it back to the bedroom and put on her pants and her ODM gear.

Instead, she just headed over the bathroom, grabbing a bucket urgently, bringing it to her face as she started to puke. What the hell was she taking out of her empty stomach? She hadn’t eaten anything in days. Still, she got it all out and landed back on the floor, shaking and weak. A cold drop of sweat ran down her forehead as she sat back and rested her back on the wall behind her.

She breathed hard and she wiped her mouth with a rag she reached for nearby. Why am I… what… she expected that inner voice to start speaking, but nothing came out. She had no idea what could have caused this…

Her hand reached her belly and a chilling thought crept through her mind.

Am I… ?

She had no time for this. There was nothing to be certain of. Erwin was in danger. Nathalie pulled herself back up on her feet and she washed the bucket. She put on pants and her ODM Gear. She was finished in a matter of minutes.

She was running now. Trying to make it fast to the stables. The empty stables, and the only horse left there, her own. She didn’t even try to get something to eat. Some water to drink. Nothing. No time… no time for this. She didn’t have any time. She had to rush. He could already be dead. She could have already lost him.

She was breathing hard to the thought of it like an asthmatic child overwhelmed by anxiety and pressure. He could be terribly injured right now and all she’d have were mere seconds. If she didn’t hurry fast enough, she was going to lose him. She was never going to see him again. She was never going to say goodbye, oh God, please, be okay.

Nathalie mounted her horse and shook the reins and urged her horse to run. It would be running for a while. She was to reach the furthest spot in the walls. It was still early in the morning by the looks of it. Maybe their mission had barely begun or maybe it was all over. She couldn’t tell. There was the sound of people starting their day, but not quite yet. She was grateful that the streets were empty and the Garrison officers keeping watch on the wall were sleeping soundly allowing her exit without issues.

“Please be okay… please be alive… please… please…”

She repeated those words way too many times, like a soft little, urgent prayer. Who was going to protect him if she wasn’t there? Who was going to keep him from throwing himself in battle without hesitation? Who was going to come up with a logical plan that did not involve getting himself killed?! Who was going to take the blow for him in his place?!

That’s what she had been doing all those years, fighting alongside him in the Survey Corps, making sure he’d come out of every Expedition intact and alive. The only Expedition she hadn’t joined him in was when he lost his arm. She wouldn’t have let that happen if she wasn’t there. And now, he was going to die if she wasn’t there to do something about it.

No… no… please… please, be safe… please, be alive… please…

What was she going to do without him? What was she going to do without someone to tell her what to do… who to be… she had followed him her entire life and it was so wrong to depend on him entirely, but it felt right. It felt right to follow him and do everything he ever asked because this man always knew what was right.

Maybe she loved him for it. She loved how strong and brave he was. She loved how reliable he was. How he could only give her a smile and let her know that he had her – that everything was alright even when nothing was alright.

She loved him. She loved him so much she couldn’t lose him. She couldn’t imagine her life without him. Everything she had ever done was for the sole purpose of keeping him alive. All those hours of training and punching and kicking the punching bags in the training halls or killing all those titans and watching all those friends get eaten and brutalised.

She got herself tortured just to be there with him.

All those years of trying. She wouldn’t let anything ruin all that effort she had put into protecting him. She would keep it up like this for years to come, but in the end, she just needed him to be safe, and alive and happy. She wanted to be his happiness, his everything, even though she’d never get to that.

They both knew he’d die one day – or it’d be she the one to die. They both knew this was coming and he had warned her. He had warned her that their marriage was only going to end up in him widowing her.

They knew that when they got married.

But she refused to acknowledge it now.

All they had was two months. Two months was all they were given.

“Do you regret it?”

“Yes.”

And the last conversation she ever had with him was him admitting how much he regretted marrying her. She couldn’t let this be the only thing she’d ever have from him. It was so easy for him to regret.

He hadn’t even told her he loved her.

“I vow to love you.”

“I feel nothing for you.”

“I adore you… you know that?”

“You don’t love me, Nathalie, you love the way I treat you. You love the way I use you. The way I hurt you, you love the way I break your heart, over and over…”

He had confused her so much. Did he love her? Did he not? Was he going to die and she was never going to find out? She remembered the night she begged him – she begged him not to leave her. She didn’t care whether he loved her or not. That was which she cared about the least.

She just wanted him to be alive. She would never dare ask for more than that.

“Don’t leave me. You don’t ever have to tell me you love me, just please, don’t leave me,”

“That’s why I won’t ever tell you I love you, because one day, I will have to leave you,”

“You’re cruel,”

He was the cruellest man she could have ever fallen for – but oddly, the gentlest, the kindest, the smartest. Amongst everything, she loved his cruelty just as much as she loved everything else about him.

“How dare you make me fall for you and expect me to sit back and do nothing but watch you die?!”

“That’s why you shouldn’t have fallen for me! You shouldn’t have! Because your love for me is going to kill you!”

“So be it. I’m as willing to toss my life away as much as you’re willing to toss your own. The only difference is, I’d do it for you, and you’d only do it for some hopeless dream.”

Was it still the same? She thought that after being tortured – after getting married – after going through this entire ordeal, after admitting to the fact that he wanted children and a family and a future with her – she thought he had changed. She thought he would finally allow himself to love her, or at least, it looked like it.

What about their dreams? Why did he want to rush so much? Why did he want to die so fast? Why?! Did he want to leave her? Did he even love her at all?

Why did he marry her when all he was planning to do was die?

Broken. It was the price she paid for loving this man. But unlike him, she did not regret it. She would never regret it no matter what he put her through.

༻◊۞◊༺

“He needs our help!” Mikasa cried out as she watched Eren being pinned down by the Armoured Titan.

“Not yet!” Hange landed on a nearby rooftop. “We need to trust Eren to give us a good opening. Everything rides on our first attack,” Hange reasoned.

And she was right. Eren did give them the opening they needed. And Hange gave the order to engage right away. They maneuvered from house to house, rooftop to rooftop till they finally saw the Armoured Titan, sitting down on his knees. The nape, finally exposed.

“Go! Now!” Hange ordered as she and Moblit reached the Armoured Titan close enough to stab their thunderspears into his eyes.

They pulled away and then pulled the string for the explosives to detonate. The titan shrieked and Hange with Moblit landed back down on the rooftops all around them. And then, Jean, Mikasa, Connie and Sasha came maneuvering close to Reiner and stabbing their thunderspears on his nape. They pulled the strings and the armour on his nape was blown into pieces.

Connie landed unceremoniously on a rooftop and his eyes widened. “Did it really work?!”

“Whoah! We can actually do some damage!” Sasha said, eyes widened.

“Do it again!” Hange ordered. “You each still have a thunderspear, use them to end this!”

They still hesitated though. Reiner had been their comrade three years now. Jean gritted his teeth. “C’mon, guys! We said we’d do it if it ever came down to this… let’s go!”

Sasha, Connie and Mikasa nodded before they maneuvered with the Hange Squad towards Reiner’s nape and they shot their thunderspears back into the nape. And once the explosions took place, Reiner could be seen, missing half his head. Hange gritted her teeth. It was no time to celebrate.

“Moblit!” She turned at the man beside her and he nodded. He knew exactly what she had in mind. The two of them jumped on top of the nape. Moblit pulled the man out of the titan body, and Hange gripped her swords. “I’m so sorry, darling, but I can’t have you transforming again,” She said, before she cut off his hands and feet. She hated to do this, but she had to. “Nat said if the body’s too injured it’s too busy healing to transform,”

“So what are you gonna do?!” Connie cried out with tears in his eyes as he watched Moblit carrying Reiner’s body that lacked all limbs and half his head. “Feed him to some titan?!”

“That is a possibility,” Hange said. “We tie him down for now. We’ve bought ourselves enough time,”

“Wait! Hange!” Jean pointed upwards as something came flying towards them. It looked like a barrel. “W- What’s that?”

Armin gasped as he pointed at the barrel. “It’s Berthold!”

“Shit!” Hange cried out as everybody switched to ODM. “EVERYBODY! FALL BACK!”

But they were too late. Berthold transformed, and the large explosion came with uncontrollable flames and a large wave of fire and heat. Hange felt hands grabbing tight around her. Her back crashed against the soil beneath her. Moblit’s body landed on top of her own, shielding her from the flames entirely. Hange shut her eyes and she buried her face in his neck clutching on him, and trying to ignore the heat and his screams as flames consumed the flesh of his back.

No. She had never heard and seen Moblit being in so much pain in all the years she knew him. She hated it. Hange gritted her teeth. She had lost vision from one eye. It stung harshly and bled. Fragments of the explosion must’ve rammed in her flesh and broken the one of her lenses. But she didn’t care. All she could do was listen to the cries of her squad, Levi’s squad and Moblit’s groans and screams. Hange shut her eye and she tried to ignore it. It almost felt like the explosion took forever to cease. She reminded herself. She was going to inject Moblit with the serum and he was going to be okay.

She gritted her teeth. She couldn’t lose him. Tears streamed down her one eye. He shouldn’t have done that. He should stop jumping right in to save her all the time. He groaned in pain as he pressed his cheek against her forehead. Hange’s fingers tightened around his brown jacket. His entire back was on fire.

“Hang in there, Mobby…” Hange shut her eyes. “…hang in there, please,”

༻◊۞◊༺

Nathalie had no idea how she made it so fast. Her horse ran fast and she was as light as a feather. There was nothing stopping it from making it go faster and faster. But she reached the wall that gave entrance to Shiganshina by the early midday.

The sight before her made her eyes widen and her fists clenched.

There was the Beast, and titans all around him, six from each side. He was tossing pebbled boulders on the soldiers that marched to his way. Was Erwin within them? She couldn’t say. She heard them shout and scream and it was Levi on the side, rushing to kill those titans and end the beast.

But if she knew Erwin well, he was within those soldiers. She could hear the footsteps of the Colossal on the other side. Maybe the Armoured titan’s too. The mission was a complete failure and with each throw, more and more soldiers were wiped out.

Was Erwin one of them?!

“No!” Nathalie urged her horse to move faster. She reached the six titans on the left side and she picked herself up on the saddle of her horse. She jumped, hooking herself on one of them and she began to slaughter them one by one.

By the time Levi tried to jump over the left side, all the titans came tumbling down limp and lifeless. What the hell had happened to them? The smoke signals were blocking the view. Before he even had the chance to do anything more, the Beast came tumbling down too. Somebody sliced off the one leg entirely and the Beast came face down to the soil with a loud thud and there were a few soldiers that had survived.

Levi’s eyes widened when the view cleared out and he saw Nathalie being there. A red glow in her eyes as she tried to launch another attack on the beast, gripping on her swords. What was Nathalie doing here?! She had just woken up?! How could she fight like this after waking up that very same day from a fucking coma?

She wasn’t supposed to be there! It was too dangerous and she was important. But how the hell did she manage to kill all those titans on her own? Why were her eyes red?! What was wrong with her?!

“Nathalie!” Levi shouted from afar as he hastily made his way towards her. They had more important matters at hand. She’d answer his questions later. But there was something unnatural about how fast she had slaughtered those titans and how fast she had managed to bring down the beast. “Go save Erwin! I’ve got the Beast!”

Her eyes widened and the red colour disappeared at the sheer mention of Erwin’s name. Nathalie mounted her horse that had followed her and was standing nearby, and she urged it immediately to start moving towards the soldiers. Most were dead, and what was left had retreated to the wall.

Was he within that pile of bodies that lied on the ground? Nathalie was beginning to panic again, looking all over the place, trying to find him, praying that he wasn’t amongst the people that had been struck down. This was no time to panic but the mere thought of him being buried beneath the pile of dead bodies was driving her insane.

She jumped off her horse, without a care whether it would start running away. It didn’t. But she rushed to the ground searching through the bodies one by one. Nathalie had seen death before. She had watched people get slaughtered and eaten. But a battlefield like this, with hundreds of bodies lying down, with lifeless, open eyes staring blankly, and broken bodies mixed in blood and dirt.

That was a first for her. It made her stomach churn.

Nathalie’s eyes widened when she noticed a body lying face down. It looked like a blonde man with wide shoulders and… a missing arm. She hurried to his side with urgency.

“No… no, no, no, no…” it couldn’t be him, could it?

She knelt beside him amongst the bodies and she turned him over. She gasped. It was him. Her hands shook as she tried to reach for that wound in his belly. A stone must have struck him. He was bleeding dangerously. His skin was pale and cold to the touch, and she immediately checked for his pulse but there was a very faint one. She tried to hear if he was breathing. A faint sound as well.

She was breathing hard now and her vision was getting blurry as she pressed her hand down tightly on his wound and she leaned down, bringing his face in her neck. She wept loudly.

No, no, no, no, no… it wasn’t today, was it? The day he was going to die. It wasn’t today the day she was going to lose him… was it? Tears streamed down her cheeks and she buried her face in his neck, his shoulder. She held him tighter than she had ever held him and a broken sobbed erupted from her throat. Her heart thrummed so hard in her ears, it was all she could hear.

What had he done?

Did he really march into his death?

Did he really do it when he knew she was left back… waiting for him? Was she supposed to feel heartbroken or was she supposed to tell herself that… you knew this would happen. He had told her this moment would come. A day when he’d have march into his own death and die.

But why today? Why should it be today, why couldn’t it be some day later? Why couldn’t she get some time to prepare for his? She thought she was prepared to lose him and watch him die, but deep down she knew she’d never be ready for that.

How can anybody be ready to watch the person they love die?

Whether he married her or not made no difference. He would still die for the sake of his dreams, his aims. She knew she didn’t mean all that much to him. She knew she would always come second in his life, no matter how much she wanted and how much she tried to be his everything. She would never be that.

And now here he was, dying.

They had just gotten married. Why was he doing this to her? Why did he marry her? Why?! Why did he have to be like this? He would never stop hurting her, would he? He would never stop until he achieved everything he was fighting for. And after he fixed the world, then what? Was she going to be promoted as his first priority?

It sounded ridiculous. Maybe she would never hold that place in his heart that she had worked so much for. It had been pointless to love this man, she had always known, yet she still persisted. She married him even when he told her that one day he was going to die. She chose to take it because she never thought he’d die so fast.

A broken sob erupted from her throat, and she buried her face in his neck, his shoulder, clutching on his ruined, bloody clothes tightly, breathing in whatever was left of him.

“Maybe… if you could understand how much I love you, you wouldn’t be in such a hurry to leave me,” she wept, wetting his brown jacket. She pulled back to look at him. Dishevelled hair, a drop of blood had dried on his lips. She cupped his face, and she wiped the blood away and her tears spilled warm and salty down on his cheeks.

She checked on his wound and wiped her tears that were continuously streaming down her cheeks so that she could see clearly. She opened his shirt. Warm crimson blood was rushing out and with every bit of it that he lost, he was losing time too. There were fragments stabbed right into him. She’d have to take them out before injecting him with the spare serum that she had taken with her.

But that would require time and she had no idea whether he had that time. She could lose him. He could die right now in her hands. Her hands, painted in his blood. That was all that they had. Their time had ended so fast. She could have never believed she’d lose him just two months after their wedding.

“What am I saying… whatever I’d do, you’d leave me anyway. I would always come second for you, but I’d still love you…” new tears came running salty down her cheeks and she leaned down to him, pressing her forehead against his own.

“Do you regret it?”

“Yes.”

She didn’t mind if he didn’t feel anything for her. She didn’t care whether he loved her or not – and it almost felt like he didn’t. But all she wanted was for him to be alive. She didn’t mind keeping her feelings to herself and never indulging in this relationship. She just wanted him to be alive and safe and happy.

She couldn’t live a life without him. What was she going to do without him? What was going to be her purpose for fighting, for fixing their maddening world? He was her reason for everything she ever did and now he was just going to leave her? What was going to be her reason to keep this up? It had always been him. Always.

“…everything I’ve ever done and will do, will be for you,”

She had even told him as much. He knew that everything she ever did, she did it because that’s what he would approve.

“I know you’re trying your best and you never put yourself first. But that’s alright, because you have me to do that for you.” He told her once.

She gritted her teeth. “Liar.” She never thought he’d lie to her. “How dare you?!” She gripped on his torn shirt. “Making me feel the happiest I’ve ever felt, and then taking that from me?!”

Why did he keep feeding her with hopes for a hopeless future? He hadn’t even told her he loved her. The last thing he’d ever told her was how much he regretted marrying her.

That was the only thing she’d have from him and a million pieces of broken dreams of the future that they had dreamt of. How beautiful would it be to wake up each day beside him? How beautiful would be if he was by her side all day, every day, with their own perfect little children in a cosy home that they’d build?

It was pointless to think about what could have been.

None of this was ever going to happen. She just wished she had held him tighter the night they danced, the nights they slept together, the times he hugged her, the mornings she woke up and he happened to be there.

She held him tight now that he was dying in her arms, but now it was too late.

She shouldn’t blame him. He had tried so hard to stop this from happening. He had pushed her away so many times. He had tried to make her hate him. He had tried to hurt her so that she would resent him. He had tried. He had warned her.

All she had to blame for her pain and her mourning was herself for persisting.

Maybe he was right. She should have never fallen for him. She should have never dreamt of a life with him. And he should have stopped kissing her like he loved her every time he held her in his arms. No matter what he said and did, she always knew what he thought and felt. Two little things that he’d never let out, but he didn’t have to.

He cursed himself so many times for letting her in. Letting her learn how to read him and learn the signs.

And maybe the only reason he regretted marrying her was because of the pain that he knew she would go through right now.

“I’m so sorry…” Nathalie pressed her forehead against his own, staring at his closed eyes that would probably never open again. “I’m so sorry… you were right… you were right about everything… I’m so sorry for… loving you…”

Maybe if she had never joined the Survey Corps – if her heart had never chosen him – maybe neither of them would’ve been hurt. Maybe she would be some physician in the Capital and the death of the Commander of the Survey Corps would merely be a headline in some newspaper she’d accidentally lay her eyes upon.

Maybe he was right to regret marrying her, loving her, abandoning his work in the nights just to lie beside her. No matter how tight she held him those nights, he was always gone in the mornings.

No matter how tight she was holding him now, he was going to leave her. No matter how much she begged him not to, he was going to leave her for good this time. Maybe if she had never left him all those years ago, maybe could have had more time.

Just a little more time.

Nathalie took off her green cloak and she tied it around his waist tightly, pressing down on the wound, trying to minimise the bleeding as much as possible.

The sound of an… engine reached her ears and Nathalie’s eyes widened and she looked up. It was a blimp. It flying right above them. Everybody in Survey Corps knew of the world outside. They didn’t want that. Something came dropping from the blimp towards a spot nearby the wall where the young recruits had retreated.

It exploded right on top of them.

The blimp was flying towards her. They were either there to take her or they were there to kill whatever remained of the scout regiment. But it was heading their way, ready to release another bomb right on top of them. Blowing up the dead bodies would eliminate all chances of survivors.

Including her and Erwin.

Nathalie looked down at her beloved husband. She cupped his cheek and stroked gently.

What was she going to do? Stay there and die with him with a bomb or load him up on her horse and run. Was there any point in running? Was there any reason not to give up? Was there any reason not to stay?

He was dying. Maybe that bomb that that Marleyan ship was about to throw on top of them was a gift to her. She was going to die with him like she always wanted. There was no point in thinking about what could have happened. Maybe somewhere out there, she and he already had a home, and a family and their whole lives ahead of them to cherish them.

Nathalie lied down beside him in the battlefield, amongst the bodies and the debris. She held him tightly pressing her cheek to his chest.

She smiled. “We would have made wonderful parents.” She shut her teary eyes and buried her face in his neck as the sound of the blimp approaching became louder and louder.

“Do you really want a family?” Nathalie asked and he looked at her. A soft smile spread on his lips and couldn’t help but imagine her tending to their home, their kids.

Erwin never thought he’d ever dream of anything like this, but he wanted it. He wanted it so much. “I wanted to fix the world first but…” he sighed “…fixing the world is… a very unrealistic task. There will forever be conflict amongst men unless our numbers fall to one or less. So… yes. Let us not wait until we fix something that is broken and unfixable,” he pecked her lips. “I want this. Do you?”

Nathalie sniffled and tried not to cry again. She nodded frantically. “Of course, I do. I love you so dearly,”

“What do you want us to do after it’s all over?” He asked looking down at his sweet little girl as she nuzzled into him. She opened her eyes and she giggled.

“I want us to get a house,” she said, and he chuckled. “But I don’t want it in the District.”

“Alright then. I’ll build us one,” he said.

“Really?!”

He nodded. “Big enough to house a big family,” she pressed a sound kiss on his cheek.

“You know… our chances of getting… any of that… are slim. You know that, right?”

“I know,” Nathalie looked down at her fingers that clenched on the collar of his white shirt. “But that’s exactly why we got married so… so rushed and… unexpected. I know one day… you’ll have to throw yourself in battle… and I’ll never be prepared for that day… but at least I’d know I’d have cherished the man I love till the very end.”

“I vow to never let death do us part.”

Her eyes snapped wide open. No, she refused to lose him. She refused to toss their dreams away. Nathalie stood up and she dragged him. She dragged him as fast as she possibly could. The blimp was coming, a bomb was preparing to drop on top of them.

No. I refuse. I refuse to give up.

She would have their dreams come true, because their dreams were beautiful and suffering for them was a small price to pay.

Notes:

honestly, I was just gonna let them die right here and end it there LMFAO i mean them dying together wouldn't be too bad, would it?

but then I thought damn i got this plot in my head i need to write it, and then i realised, the plot is unfinished in my head and writer's block is starting to get me, but then i realised IT'S SUMMER AND IF I DON'T FINISH IT THIS SUMMER, I NEVER WILL

ok imma shut up now

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap: actually no sneak peek, they might be dead, i don't wanna spoil MUAHAHAHHA😈😈😈😈

Chapter 78: The Second Goodbye

Notes:

because the First Goodbye was Chapter 28 yes I had planned this chapter all along, so this is the second, and there will be a third ehehehehe

been writing a scene in chap 84 and i've been sobbing over it at 2 fucking am I HAVE NO LIFE LMFAO

AND this chapter also comes with an original soundtrack I composed myself a few days ago. Be mindful of the gunshot by the end of the track cuz someone gets shot ehehheheh you can listen to it here, I've titled it "Nathalie Surrenders" cuz that's literally what's happening ehehehe it's sad, it's epic, I used instruments from BBC Symphony Orchestra plugins

DONT STEAL MY TRACK i will set your phone on fire remotely, I've done it before :)

All rights reserved ©️

been seeing that no other music/ost inspires me to write this fic so im starting to write my own LMFAO

“MOBBY! MOBBYYYY!!! WAKE UP DAMMIT!”

“I am having a horrible headache at the moment so I’D APPREACIATE it if you just stopped SHOUTING INSIDE MY EAR!”

“OH THANK GOD!”

Hange couldn’t even believe how relieved she was feeling right now. She buried her face in his neck. She had Moblit settled in her lap and she had injected him with her serum. His own had been spilled due to the fire and the explosion. But he was okay. He was breathing. His back side had almost healed completely. But she still clutched on him and she shut her eyes.

“DON’T YOU EVER FUCKING DO THAT AGAIN, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! I DIDN’T ORDER YOU TO DIE FOR ME!”

Moblit didn’t feel like shouting back at her. It was obvious that she didn’t care whether he was having a headache right now. She still screamed into his ear and she buried her face in his neck and she started crying. Moblit smiled. His hands slipped around her and he found those oily hair that tickled his chin. He caressed her gently and he closed his eyes tiredly.

“I can’t lose you, Hange,” He admitted. It was time they stopped playing. He loved her. He did. It was time to admit that. He’d jump right in and hand over his life for her. He had just done that and he would do it again.

Hange gasped in surprise. Her eye widened. She pulled back to look at him. He noticed she was missing an eye. The spot bled. He cupped her cheek. She gritted her teeth and she smacked his chest painfully. “I can’t lose you either, you fucking dumbass!” She growled and he could do nothing but chuckle.

༻◊۞◊༺

They barely made it out, but they did. Marley dropped bombs everywhere. Nathalie didn’t want to admit it, but maybe whatever was left of the Survey Corps was now dead. Eren… Armin… Mikasa… Levi… Hange, Moblit… were they dead? She didn’t know. She didn’t see them at all after her brief encounter with Levi. She just ran. She took Erwin on her horse and they ran for their lives. The fire from the bombs had consumed what was left of the abandoned villages and Nathalie had driven her horse away from the fire. As far away from the blimp as possible, but it was still in the air.

They were looking for her, weren’t they? They were going to take her today.

It was night now. Nathalie had managed to take out all the fragments and she had injected him with the spare serum that she had in her bag. Smoke immediately came out from his wound that started to close instantly, but not only that, his missing arm grew back up.

It made her laugh in utter happiness as she held his… brand new arm for hours.

Now, darkness had fallen, and she didn’t know whether there were any other titans around, but it was night, and most were either inactive or far from their spot. The trees surrounded them in thick, dark greenery. The campfire that she had set was their only source of light with the half-moon that shined from above.

They would see the fire. They would find her. But that was alright. She had to go. Now that she was certain that her research was a success and it was complete, it was time to leave. It was time to tend to her condition and she couldn’t do that on Paradis.

Nathalie wrote a letter explaining everything and she tucked it into the pocket of his brown, bloody jacket. He was still unconscious. After everything, he needed rest, but his heartbeat and his breathing were sound and stable. He was alive. He was well. He was going to be okay. She shivered slightly in the cold night breeze. She had draped her green cloak on top of him to keep him warm.

She knelt beside him, and she took him in her arms. She settled his head in her lap and she looked down at him fondly. She ran the back of her tender knuckles across his cheek, and she smiled down at him.

He was going to be okay, but she was going to leave him.

Tears filled her eyes again and she cursed herself for it. She had cried way too much today. Do I really have to go? She didn’t want to, but she had to. She had killed Miche and his squad. She had killed so many people so… so brutally. They weren’t safe around her. Erwin wasn’t safe while he slept beside her. He never had been because all the voices shrieked for her to do was kill him.

Even now she could hear them.

But she ignored them because this was the last time, she was holding him like this. Her sweet man was so handsome. Messy golden hair, falling on his forehead and she brushed them away with her tender fingers and she cupped his cheek.

“I love you so much…” She buried her face in his neck, leaning down to him, holding him tightly. “…please, forgive me,” her voice trembled, and she finally released those tears on his white shirt. She was going to leave him, but it was only because she loved him.

She’d known she would lose everything one day, but she shouldn’t be ungrateful. He was alive. He was alive. He was okay. She had managed to save him. His arm had grown back up and he’d never have to feel insecure about it again. He could fight now like he so much wanted to.

She just couldn’t be there.

“There’s so many things I haven’t told you, but my letter explains everything,” she pulled back to look at him. “I have to go. It’s the only way to keep you safe. It’s the only way to save our island.” He would put the fate of all Eldians above her own, wouldn’t he? “You won’t hate me for it, will you?”

She wasn’t going to get an answer. She knew that. He couldn’t yet wake up and she didn’t know whether she wanted to weep or thank heavens that he wasn’t conscious. She wanted to talk to him, tell him a final goodbye, but at the same time, she didn’t want to face him and tell him to his face everything she had written on that letter.

She didn’t want to tell him that she was going insane. That she was fit for naught but an asylum. That she couldn’t be his wife and she couldn’t raise children, and she couldn’t lead a normal life unless she fixed her unfixable and broken mind. She didn’t want to tell him that she was about to toss their dreams away.

Why did she even bother running away? Maybe if she had let those bombs kill them both, things would’ve been so much better and easier and simpler. Maybe she wouldn’t worry about anything now. But she told herself she had to fight a little harder. It was always her stubbornness that made her suffer. She had to fight harder for the man that she loved and the future that they had both dreamt of.

But were they ever going to get there? Were they ever going to have what they had talked about?

Maybe she would spend her days in Marley imagining about what could have been but never did.

“I’m so sorry.” She pressed her forehead against his own and she closed her eyes, holding him tightly. “I’m so sorry for never telling you. It was just too much.”

Maybe if she had told him, things would have been different. He wouldn’t have married her. He would either push her away completely or pull her closer, hold her tighter, help her. She didn’t know which one was most likely. It probably depended on whether he loved her or not but that was a matter that he was never going to clear out for her.

And now, the sound of engines reached her ears once more. There was an open space in front of them. A green valley big enough for their zeppelin to land on. They had blinding lights and the sound of more engines. There were two of them and they both landed in the darkness of the open valley, lighting it up with their white lights. People walked out. Soldiers dressed in the Marleyan uniform with armbands of different colours.

They were all armed as they approached her pointing their guns at her to shoot in case she tried to run. A man walked towards her. It was Zeke. It was the same man who had almost killed her husband. It was the man who had killed so many children. All those recruits.

She gritted her teeth. She wanted to toss her sword at him to open his skull with the sharp blade. She wanted to tear him apart. He had that stupid little smile on his lips as he approached her. Hands tucked in his pockets.

“Good job. It took us an entire day to find you,” Zeke said.

Nathalie suppressed her anger and she urged herself to keep her calm. Even if she used her condition to fight them off, she could not fight all of them on her own. They would take her anyway.

She looked back down at Erwin who was still unconscious. She cupped his cheek and stared down at him fondly for one last time. Their time was up. She was going to leave him now. She didn’t want to. She didn’t want it at all. Would he understand if he read her letter? She had told him everything in that letter. He would probably hate her. She had killed his best friend and now she was leaving him.

He would probably hate and resent her. Maybe she wanted to leave because she didn’t want to be there to watch him loathe her. Nathalie leaned down and she pressed a small kiss on his closed lips.

“I love you so much…” she whispered shakily “…please, don’t look for me… please, forget me… I beg of you…” tears filled her eyes again but she held them back. Maybe she would cry later on her own, but not in front of Zeke. Not in front of anyone. She was on her own from this day forth.

Nathalie finally let go of him. She stood up and she raised her hands in surrender. There were so many soldiers, all pointing their rifles at her as if she was dangerous and she could kill them all at any moment. But she wasn’t. She was too tired to fight. Too weak to do anything. Too sad to think about anything else.

With careful moves, she unstrapped her ODM gear. It crashed on the grass around her feet. She discarded her blades and she tossed away the handles. She was now completely unarmed, completely at their mercy. They could start shooting at her. They could kill her right now if they wanted to and she’d let them because she couldn’t fight back.

She was one woman amongst dozens of men who were pointing their guns at her. She raised her hands in surrender again and she approached him. She let him cuff her hands behind her back, but she didn’t care. All she did was stare at Erwin who was still lying down on the grass.

He was so close to her. She wanted to run back to him. She wanted him to wake up and hold her. She wanted him to tell he loved her. She wanted him to take her out of there, to protect her. But none of that was going to happen because she had brought this upon herself. It was she who had made that deal. It was she who wasn’t fighting them off now. It was she who was just surrendering.

But what choice did she have? What if she stayed? What if she stayed with him and one day, she’d wake up beside him, stained in his blood, having killed the man she loved? She was dangerous to him. She was dangerous to everyone she loved. If she killed a Marleyan soldier without even realising, then what? It sure wasn’t as important and terrible as it’d be if she killed Erwin, or Hange, or Moblit, or her kids.

She was dangerous to the people that she loved. Leaving was the only choice she had until she figured this out. She had to fix herself. She didn’t know what Marley was planning to do with her. It was nothing good. At best, they’d let her reside in an asylum.

That was all that was fit for her.

It was funny how Erwin wanted to be the first to die because he couldn’t bear to lose her. But he was losing her anyway and she was hurting the man she loved so painfully.

She felt the cold metal of a rifle pressing painfully to her back, urging her to move towards the blimp, whose back door was wide open for her to walk inside. Zeke said something, but she didn’t hear him.

Hurting Erwin was all she could think about. She had no idea how she was going to live with herself now.

Erwin was half unconscious now, half regaining his senses. The sight of them dragging her away. The blinding lights. The large ships. Their guns pointed at him ready to shoot and then her screams echoed, begging them not to. Begging them to spare him. Erwin’s hand reached for her, weakly, shakily.

Where were they taking her? Where was she going? What was she doing here? Why was Marley taking her?! Why couldn’t he do anything about it?! He should be up on his feet. He should be fighting for her. He should be having her behind him protectively. He should be… there were so many things that he should be doing. He should be up on his feet, but his legs were not responding.

His body was weak, and he couldn’t move. He couldn’t shout. He could barely reach out for her. He couldn’t stand. He couldn’t run to her. He should be able to push everybody away from her and take her out of there. He should’ve been but he wasn’t, and they were taking her away and he could do nothing but watch.

Just like the last time, when they were torturing her before his very own eyes, and he was useless. He could do nothing. He couldn’t protect her. He couldn’t save her. He couldn’t push them away from her. What kind of husband was he if he couldn’t protect his wife? What kind of man allowed himself to let his guard down – to be so weak?

What kind of man allowed the enemy to steal his woman?

No! Erwin grunted and he tried to crawl towards her. He used his hands, gripping on the grass, the soil beneath him, turning his body face down to the ground as he tried to move.

He stopped moving when he felt the cold, metal tube of a rifle pointed to his head, between his eyes. A soldier staring down at him, ready to pull the trigger, another soldier behind him but all he could look at was her as she tried to fight them off while they dragged her inside the airship.

“ERWIN!” She screamed but he barely managed to speak her name breathless from dragging himself to the ground.

“Nathalie…”

That was the end, wasn’t it? They were going to kill him and they were going to take her and God knows what they were planning to do to her. He had failed. When it came to her, he always failed her. But that was the sole reason why he regretted marrying her and he regretted letting this relationship go so far. He was hurting her, over and over and it was never going to stop.

But she didn’t know that. She thought he didn’t love her at all and now he was going to die and she was going to spend the rest of her life, captive and knowing that the man that she had done everything for, never loved her.

Tragedy.

Erwin stopped trying. There was nothing he could do. Hearing her scream and shout and struggle and trying to run was enough of a torture and he could do nothing.

He was absolutely useless.

The sound of a gun, shooting and utter blackness filled his vision. His body dropped on the ground, limp and she was weeping and crying and trying to resist and trying to run to him only for them to grab her and immobilise her and drag her inside till she could no longer see what had happened to him.

Did they kill him?

Did she just lose him forever?!

It was all over… wasn’t it?

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

“Erwin, there’s something so wrong with her. She’s not who you think she is.” Miche stood up and approached Erwin taking out the letter that she had left behind and handing it to him. “She left back this. It explains everything.”

YES, BITCHES, MICHE IS BACK, WOOOOO

Chapter 79: The Cost of Dreaming

His whole body ached. He heard people talking but it took him a moment till he could make out what they were saying.

“…was that Marleyan ships?”

“What do they want with Nathalie? Why take her if she’s going insane?”

“Maybe they’ve figured out how to treat the Burgess Condition.”

“Is that why she surrendered?”

“Possibly. Either way, she’s dangerous and I believe she knows that.”

“Maybe that’s why she surrendered in the first place.”

Erwin opened his eyes to a blurry vision. He blinked a few times, coming face to face with a dawning sky. There was the bright orange of the emerging sun, merged with the early morning’s dark blue sky into a brilliant purple. It must have been very late in the morning, probably around 5 am. The sun was only beginning to appear from the tall mountains in the horizon.

The smell of grass and the sound of the forest animals and insects reached his senses. They must have been far away from Shiganshina but in one of those forests of Wall Maria.

At first, he was confused. He had no idea where he was and how he was still alive. Somebody had shot him, hadn’t they? It was a Marleyan soldier that had shot him. That’s right, Marleyan blimps had landed, and they had… they had taken her.

They took her.

What were those people talking about? Why were their voices so familiar? It was as if he had heard them before. Erwin pressed a hand back and he propped himself to wake up from his supine lying position. He looked up and his eyes widened.

An all too familiar man surrounded by an all too familiar people. But he was missing an eye. Miche had a black eyepatch on his right eye. Nanaba had a large scar falling wide across her face. It didn’t look like a wound that was going to heal. No, that was a scar that was going to stay there for the rest of her life. Henning’s deformed face was hidden with a hood draped across his head, and Lynne had a large scar starting from her neck and reaching her lips. Tomas was limping, using a cane to walk and a couple of his fingers on the left hand seemed to miss. Gelgar was missing an arm.

What the hell had happened to all six of them? It was Miche with his squad that had been missing for a while now. Everybody thought they were dead, even though Erwin he still had people out looking.

But here they were and what were they doing here?

Where were they all this time?

Erwin had so many questions.

Miche finally realised that Erwin was awake, and they all stopped themselves from continuing this conversation. They turned and looked at Erwin, who strangely had both his arms now.

“What… what happened to you all?” Erwin asked confused and worried.

They all shared a look with each other and none of them looked like they wanted to answer that question.

“We’ll go hunting,” Henning said as he and Lynne walked away.

“We’ll get some firewood,” Gelgar and Tomas were the next pair to leave.

Only Nanaba and Miche were left now. Nanaba merely sighed and she tried to find something else to concern herself with. Miche realised he was the only one left to do the explanation. He sighed as well, and he sat by a tree trunk that rolled to the ground. He poked what was left of their campfire with a stick and he tried to change the conversation.

“That new arm of yours. It suits you,” Miche said sarcastically. “Gelgar could use one too.”

Erwin looked down at his arm that was there, and he gasped in surprise. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t noticed it. It responded to all his movements. He could feel touch and pain. It was as if he’d never lost his arm in the first place. And then he checked for that wound that he had on his belly the last time he was conscious. There was no wound there. He looked down and fumbled through his bloody brown jacket and the ruined, white shirt. There were stains of his blood everywhere, but no wound. No cut. No fragments buried into his skin.

It was as if he’d never been wounded at all.

Was that the serum that she had made? Did she use one on him? She had figured it out, hadn’t she? I’ll fix this, she told him, the day he showed up into her quarters, missing an arm. She had fixed it.

“They took her… didn’t they?” Erwin looked down at his arm, folding his fingers into a tight fist. It was only a matter of time before they’d take her. She was Paradis’s ace. Of course, they’d take her.

“No,” Miche spoke. “She surrendered.”

Erwin looked up at Miche who was still poking the ashes with the stick, looking away from him. “Why would she…” Erwin did not finish his question. It must have been a stupid question because he was starting to realise things that he didn’t want to believe they were true. There was no way she had surrendered. He remembered her struggling. He remembered her trying to run off. He remembered her trying to break free while they took her.

Why would she surrender if she…? No. No…

“Trust me.” Miche said. “She surrendered. If she didn’t want to be taken, she would have just killed them all.”

“There wasn’t much that she could do with all those men-”

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” Miche growled, finally turning to look at Erwin. It had been so long since the last time Erwin had seen this man get angry. “Are you fucking blind? You’re telling me you have yet to figure it out?”

Erwin was the smartest man he’d known. There was no way he hadn’t put the pieces together already. There was no way he had yet to see that it was Nathalie behind everything. But maybe, he knew. He had known it for a while now. Erwin fell silent and that was all the indication Miche needed. He had known, but he didn’t want to believe it. It was so easy to believe that Nathalie was his sweet, little defenceless woman who needed her strong husband to protect her.

But she wasn’t even remotely close to that, was she? Was that what her nightmares were all about? All those nightmares that she’d have the few weeks before the mission to reclaim Wall Maria. All those times she jumped out of her sleep, screaming and crying and shaking like a scared little child.

And then, that day when she let out a shout and he ran to her to see what had happened. He had found her a mess on his bed, crying whimpering, burying her face in her hands whispering this all over.

“I… I… I killed him… I killed Miche… I killed Nanaba… a- and Gelgar, and Lynne, and Henning, and Tomas, and everyone, I killed them, Erwin… I killed them…”

How he so easily refused to believe it because Nathalie was defenceless when it came to facing a much larger man like Miche, right? She couldn’t do much harm to a man like that, let alone an entire squad full of trained soldiers. Right? Right?! Then what had happened to Miche’s eye? Who put that scar on Nanaba’s face? What happened to Gelgar’s missing arm, Tomas’s ruined leg? Why was she so convinced that she had killed them?

Why would he find her with new scars all over her arms whenever he’d unclothe her? Who put those scars on her? Those wounds, those bloody bandages tied around her bleeding skin and when he’d ask for an explanation, she would put her pretty mind to use, and she’d dodge the question so expertly.

Was she harming herself? What was she doing that night while he waited so long outside her door? Why was she so pale and weak as if she had bled herself out?

What was wrong with her?!

“You’re hurt,”

“I… I… I- It’s nothing!” 

“You’re lying to me… again,” He traced her pretty lips with his thumb. “You vowed to stop lying to me,”

She bit her lip. “I’m sorry,” She turned her face down apologetically. “You’re right. I shouldn’t keep anything from my husband… but you shouldn’t worry about me. I am alright. I am so happy today. You make me so very happy. I will tell you everything one day, I promise…”

When was that day going to come? Now that she was gone? Now that he was probably never going to see her again?

But God, it all started to make sense. All those times he almost found her crying but she’d still refuse to give an explanation. How weak and pale she always was as if she was constantly in pain. Self-inflicted pain. What about the mirrors in her room that were all facing the walls, and some others were broken?

What did that mean? What was wrong with her?! It was driving him insane because Erwin could always find an explanation for everything but he could not explain this.

“I… I can’t marry you… I don’t remember what happened with Miche and the others. I don’t remember how I ran off of them, but they’re gone, and I fear… I fear I’m the one who killed them-”

“Nathalie, we’ve talked about this. It was just a nightmare-”

“I saw myself killing them! What if it was true?!”

“Why would you even do it? Nathalie, what you’re saying doesn’t make sense,”

“I can’t marry you knowing I have killed your best friend… I won’t be able to make you happy… I will ruin your life… I want you to be happy, I want you to be… I need to fix myself… I need to fix me…”

She was talking to herself now, looking away from him. Her attention was drifting away. He couldn’t understand why she was saying any of that. Was she hiding something? Was there something that she wasn’t telling him? No, she trusted him, didn’t she?

“Listen to me, my sweet baby,” Erwin pecked her lips. “Whatever it is that you’re not telling me, we’ll fix it. We’ll fix it together, alright? I won’t let you deal with anything alone ever again, is that understood? Let me be there for you,”

 No, he had given her too much space.

He had given her too many chances to run from this. She owed him an explanation. He loved her. He cared for her so much it was driving him insane. She was his wife – he had a right to know whether there was something she was suffering from.

She should have never lied to him. She always lied to him so much. She always kept things from him even though he had tried so hard to earn her trust to the fullest. He deserved to know.

She made him love her immensely. So much, he had shifted his entire life around her. She made him start hoping for something better – some future full of things that he never allowed himself to yearn for. But she made him long for it all. She owed him an explanation at least.

He should have pushed her. He should have grabbed her, and he should have shoved her against a wall – scare her a little, only then would she talk.

Erwin buried his face in his hands, and he shut his eyes tightly. “What have you done, Nathalie…”

Miche sighed. “I knew you’d have figured it out.”

“She told me…” Erwin looked at his friend “…she told me she killed you, but I couldn’t believe her… I couldn’t believe her because she could never stand up against you, Miche,” Erwin said. “You and Nathalie have sparred before, and she has never won against you-”

“It wasn’t her, Erwin.” Miche cut him, confusing him entirely once more. “It was something else… something… frightening…” Miche buried his face in his hands, and he looked away from Erwin.

It was shameful. Being defeated by a much smaller woman? Losing his eye? Letting a much smaller woman do so much damage to him and his squad? Not just physical. Mental damage as well. Oh, the nightmares he had over her. Miche was never a man to run but after what happened that day, he ran. He did exactly what he had told himself to never do. He ran.

Nathalie wasn’t capable of doing any of that to him. He had taken down so many titans. He had watched friends get killed and eaten right in front of him. But there was something so scary about Nathalie when she… he didn’t even know how to explain it.

“…that’s why we ran. We hid. We didn’t come back even though we could-”

“What do you mean frightening?! It was her, wasn’t it?!” Erwin asked confusedly. She was the one who had hurt them, wasn’t she?

“It was like… she was possessed.” Miche tried to explain it. “Eyes… red… moves I’ve never before seen and speed… unnatural,” Miche looked up at Erwin’s confused look. “Erwin, there’s something so wrong with her. She’s not who you think she is.” He stood up and approached Erwin taking out the letter that she had left behind and handing it to him. “She left back this. It explains everything.”

Miche walked away with Nanaba, leaving him alone in his despair. Erwin looked down at the folded piece of paper. It was just a paper, written on both sides with her handwriting. Her impossible handwriting that only he could understand. There were stains of blood all over, but he was certain that was only because she had tucked it into a pocket of his own.

My most beloved Erwin,

I guess this is where I beg for your forgiveness. There are so many things I haven’t told you and I’m sorry I’m telling you like this. I am a coward. A letter is all I can handle. I thought I was going to lose you by telling you but now I realise I am going to lose you anyway.

I lied to you. I am not the last Burgess. I am just the only Burgess who hasn’t gone insane yet, but it’s started to affect me as well.

I am unwell. I’m seeing and hearing things that aren’t real. I have my own demons and I’m lost in a neverending battle inside my own mind. So, I broke my mirrors, I turned them the other way around because whenever I looked, I’d see them. There’s a constant shrieking in my head, voices, telling me to kill you. I’m hearing them even now.

Pain kept the voices down. Pain was my sole solace. So, I dug new wounds on my own skin, and I bled myself till I was weak and numb enough to not feel their presence, to not hear their screaming.

Sometimes it is taking over. It did when I killed Miche and his squad. Yes. You did not believe me when I told you, but please believe me now. I’m the one who killed your best friend. I’m the one who murdered the entire Interior MP squad that Nile was talking about.

I am going insane. I am losing my mind. Please, understand, my love, that this is a psychiatric condition, and the only available cure is directly cutting pieces from the brain, and I doubt this is a cure at all.

But I couldn’t tell you. I couldn’t tell you because I can’t be your wife while I’m like this. I can’t raise a family. I can’t live a normal life. The only life meant for me is the one in an asylum with the rest of the Burgess Family. This is a unique condition that only affects the mind of a Burgess, and it has spread into my family like a disease.

I am dangerous, Erwin. If anything happened to you because of me, I could never live with myself. I have to leave to protect what’s left of the people I love.

It is time that you open the folder I gave you that night. The night I first told you I don’t have much time left. You asked whether there is a letter in there for you.

There isn’t. This is the letter meant for you.

I love you, Erwin Smith. You never told me you love me, and you probably never will, but you don’t have to. You said you want a home and a family with me and that’s all I ever wanted to hear. You married me. I was so happy the day you married me even though I could still hear those screams inside my head. I was so happy when you and I dreamt of a precious future that we’d build.

All I ever wanted – all I ever did was for the sole purpose of being by your side. To love you till my last breath. To spend each waking moment beside you. But life is cruel.

I cannot sleep beside you knowing I have killed your best friend. I cannot stop these nightmares from haunting me when I know that one day I might wake up, having killed you without even realising. I can’t stay when I know you’ve given your precious heart to a madwoman, a killer like me. I would only make your life worse. I would only further burden your already burdened shoulders.

I cannot be your wife. I cannot be the mother of your children, even though, it’s all I ever wanted.

I am not in the right state of mind to do any of that. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t face you and tell you this. I am severely ill, and I couldn’t tell you because I was so scared, you’d leave me. I know you love me, but I would never ask you to put up with a madwoman who can barely give you anything in return. You deserve so much better.

I love you so much. Wherever I am, whatever I do, you’re all that keeps me sane. But please, for the sake of your happiness, forget me. Don’t come looking for me.

Forget me, I beg of you.

Yours, forever.
The Burgess who did
and always will love you.

She hadn’t even signed her name, as if she was already hoping for him to have forgotten it. But he could never forget the name of the only woman that he had ever truly loved. Forget me, I beg of you. How dare she ask him to do that?

How dare she make such a mess of him?

How did he let it come to this?

I am going insane. So many things started to make sense, but he could hardly realise it. The mirrors. The hours she spent alone in her quarters. The hours she spent harming herself because pain was her only relief.

What the hell had she been through? Why did she never tell him? Why was she always lying?! Why couldn’t she trust him?! I didn’t tell you because I thought you’d leave me, she said, even he had made it clear. I will never leave you. Whatever it is that you’re dealing, we’ll fix it together, he told her that night – the night before their wedding when she was so pale and weak and she told him she couldn’t marrying him.

I need to fix myself, I need to fix me… you’ll never be happy with me if I… her words made so much sense right now. Everything made sense. How alone had she been? Dealing with a simple disease was nothing compared to dealing with a disease of the mind. A simple disease could be fixed, but this?

Why… why didn’t she tell him?! I thought you were going to leave me. She had told him the same when she lost their child. It was during the battle in Utgard Castle that she got injured voluntarily, losing their child, then, returning back to him, sleeping beside him, only to find himself in a pool of her blood a few hours later.

“I thought you were going to leave me! I thought you were going to abandon me and our child, I wasn’t ready!” She had said.

“I’ll never leave you, Nathalie… never,” he told her that day, and he thought he had made it clear. He thought she understood that. But clearly, she didn’t.

Why was it so hard to get her to trust him? If she had trusted him, she would’ve been okay now. She would’ve been waiting for him behind the safety of the walls. She would have been there, his sweet wife, his little Nathalie. The woman he loved so much, whatever she did to him, he was going to forgive it.

But he never thought she’d leave. He never thought she’d leave him. She had been by his side for as long as he could remember himself. She had been there, always, but now she was gone, and he had no idea where she was or what was happening to her.

Erwin drew in a shaky breath and his fingers clenched around the paper as he brought one hand up, burying his face into it. She made him such a mess, didn’t she? He was the cruellest man. The strongest man – the only man who could lead the entire Survey Corps for more than seven years. He had survived seven years as the Commander of the Survey Corps. He had sent so many people to their deaths, including those young recruits.

He could feel their gazes. All those dead soldiers – good soldiers. Kind-hearted people. He had killed them all and he could feel them watching and maybe he rode to his death because he could bear it no more, but she made him stronger than that. She gave him reasons to want to stay alive – stay in this world. Bear those soul-shuttering gazes staring at him for the rest of his life – for the sake of being with her.

When she was around, it was so easy to ignore them because when he’d talk to her about this, she’d say that he had simply done what no one else would ever do. She’d talk to him with expert logic, and she would convince him with her brilliant mind that killing all those people was the right thing to do. She would put his mind at peace, and she would urge him to look forward.

She would set this milestone – the final milestone on which he was going to set all his plans around of, and it would lead to the life that they had dreamt of. But she was no longer there.

She was his sanity. She had chosen him – a cruel bastard who killed people over and over for the sake of a selfish dream – she had chosen to love him no matter how terrible he was. She had chosen him over Levi – over everyone else because she saw something in him that nobody could see. He had made her seen his best, his worst. He had hurt her over and over trying to push her away but she stayed. She stayed because she loved him. She stayed because she saw something in him that he had no idea existed.

“Why are you here, Nathalie, I’ve given you every reason to hate me. Why don’t you just do it?!” He had been so desperate to push her away. To make her hate him because that was all that he ever deserved. He did not deserve the love of a woman. He would hurt that poor woman over and over and he had tried to make that clear.

“Maybe that’s because… deep down I hope that there’s a part of you that you won’t let out. A gentle man who would allow himself to love me.”

And she was his only link to that part of himself. A better man. A man he’d be proud of being like one. A man who would protect his woman and treat her right and gentle and make her happy. A man who wouldn’t send any soldier to their death for nothing but a selfish cause. A man who was compassionate and allowing himself to feel and express those feelings.

A man who could tell her he loved her.

That was the man that she had fallen for, and the longest she stayed beside him, the closest he manage to open up to his feelings, his desires. She showed him how to make dreams of his own – not to forever rely on the dreams of an old, dead man

All he’d ever done was out of guilt and regret for indirectly killing his father. He carried his father’s dreams because seeing them through was his way of redemption for killing his father.

But she showed him how to make dreams of his own. A life with her.

But she was no longer there to help him through any of that so why the hell did she not let him die?! Why let me live if she’s going to torture me like that?! What kind of love is that?! Did she even love him?

Did he really marry this insane woman – the only woman who could make such a mess of him?

How dare she make him dream and then take those dreams and toss them away as if they meant nothing?! How could she give him things he never even dared dream of and then just take them away?

And now? What was he supposed to do now?

“Here,” Miche’s voice snapped him out of it. Honestly, Miche had never seen his friend like this. Burying his face in his hands, hiding a look of utter despair and damp cheeks.

Erwin pulled his hands from his face and he looked up at Miche. He was offering him a flask that probably contained whiskey. Erwin took it and brought it to his lips and he took down a heavy, bitter sip. He never thought he’d be the kind of man who indulge in alcohol over something.

But then again, he never thought something like that would ever happen to him.

Miche settled beside him on the grass, watching as Lynne and Henning set up a fire. “Did you really marry her?” Miche asked.

“It was a secret wedding,” Erwin looked down with blurry eyes at the paper that he was still holding. A letter was all he had left of her now. “We knew something horrible was coming. We knew we didn’t have much time so we rushed to get married in secret… plus, my best man was missing,”

Miche chuckled on this one. An honest smile spread on his lips, but Erwin’s smile faded, and he looked down.

“I thought I was going to die… but she already planned to save me. She knew Marley was coming for her.” He gritted his teeth and his fingers clenched around the paper. “It was so foolish of me…” he buried his fingers in his hair, clenching painfully around the roots.

It was absolutely foolish of him to let himself make dreams of his own. He should have just focused on the dreams of his dead father. Those dreams – unattainable as they might’ve been – it wouldn’t hurt that much if he never got to see them happen. That pain that he felt right now – the pain she put him through, it was excruciating.

She had known all along that she was going to be taken, yet she had still allowed him to dream. Worse, she was the reason he had dreamt for in the first place. And now she was gone.

He didn’t even get to say goodbye.

He didn’t even get to hold her one last time. Kiss her, touch her, feel her. She had taken it all from him.

“Erwin… do you remember the first day you introduced her to me? The first thing I said?” Miche asked.

It had been so long ago. She was just an eighteen-year-old girl back then and he was twenty-three. He was a cadet on his way to graduation.

“There’s something crazy about her,” Miche said taking a whiff from her hair but then nodded approvingly at Erwin who smiled.

“Well, I assure you, there has been no brilliant scientist without a little bit of crazy,” Erwin smirked and she giggled.

Erwin chuckled almost bitterly. “You’ve known ever since. Your nose has always been sharp, Miche.”

“I nodded in approval though. She loves you. Maybe it’s because of how much she loves you that she’s making you suffer like this.” Miche stood back up on his own two feet and placed a hand on Erwin’s shoulder. “We’ll find her, and we’ll bring her back. You two need a proper wedding. Especially now that the best man is here.”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

 

Erwin's eyes widened when he laid eyes on the floor. The floor was ruined beyond imagination and there was but one word repeated over and over. Help. It was written in all shapes and sizes. There was blood staining the ugly cracks on the poor wood. It almost looked like she had scratched it all with her nails. How painful that would be? Breaking the nails and tearing them from the root, trying to write that word over and over everywhere he laid eyes on.

Chapter 80: Evidence of Insanity

Erwin and Miche’s squad rode out towards Wall Rose and eventually, the Trost District. Miche and his squad had only managed to steal three horses that they shared during their time away from… well, everything. Nathalie had left back her horse for him. She knew he would wake up and he’d make it back. So, she left it there for him to return. With enough horses now, all seven of them made their way back home.

There wasn’t much left of the Survey Corps. It was Levi’s squad, Petra – who almost died but Levi used the serum on her. It was Moblit, who almost died as well, but Hange used her own serum on him. And then it was Armin, having inherited the Colossal Titan. The Beast and the Armoured managed to escape on the Cart Titan – or at least, a titan that matched Nathalie’s description of the Cart Titan.

Nathalie had left behind everything they needed to make the vaccine and the serum to heal and restore all those wounds and missing limbs of the members of the Miche Squad. It was her way of compensating, but it would still take some time for the lab to be functional. Their engineers were working fast on the new generator.

The vaccine worked splendidly on Connie’s mom. She shifted back into a human and the poor kid got his mother back.

When Eren found out about Nathalie being gone, he went insane. He rushed to the Commander’s office. He didn’t really care about Erwin being his Commander. He respected the man, yes, but this man was supposed to protect Nathalie. Nathalie was the only mother figure Eren had. She had raised Eren, Mikasa and Armin, and Erwin expected a reaction.

And it came just as he expected it.

Armin and Mikasa, both were trying to stop Eren from attacking their very own Commander. But Eren didn’t care. He bust into Erwin’s office unannounced.

“Where is she?!” Eren demanded. He knew Erwin was a manipulative man. Everybody knew it. For all he knew, Erwin had probably let them take her because it might have served some other purpose that only Erwin knew about.

Levi and Hange happened to be in Erwin’s office too whilst Moblit was too busy dealing with whatever injuries he could treat from Miche and the members of his squad.

Levi threw a hand in front of Eren, stopping him from walking any further, but Eren persisted, resulting in him tightening his hold around the boy.

“Where did they take her?!” Eren cried out.

Erwin was sitting by his desk. His eyes dropped to the paperwork in front of him. “We don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?!” Eren insisted. He needed answers. He needed to know he was looking for her right now.

“Eren, stop!” Mikasa was now trying to keep him contained too.

“You can’t talk to Commander Erwin like that-” Armin tried to speak but Eren cut him.

“Oh, shut up, Armin. Have you forgotten already?!” Eren growled. “How she drove away every kid that cornered you? How about when we couldn’t sleep in the nights, and she’d lie beside us? How about that?!”

“I understand how you feel-” Erwin tried to say but Eren cut him.

Eren shook his head in denial. “No, you don’t. You have no idea-”

“I loved Nathalie!” Erwin burst out and he wasn’t even planning to say anything remotely close to that. It was funny how he never said it to her in their most intimate, personal moments, but now that she was gone, he was admitting it in front of all those people. But everybody fell quiet, and he bit his tongue. He shouldn’t have spoken at all.

“You did not love her enough.” Eren shook himself away from both Levi’s and Mikasa’s grip and he stormed out of the office with both Mikasa and Armin trying to apologise on his behalf and following behind him, closing the door.

But maybe the boy was right.

“Do you regret it?”

“Yes.”

I did not love her enough.

He managed to fool crying children into riding away to their deaths, but he couldn’t fool her with an I love you even if he didn’t mean it. And now she was gone and he had no idea what to do — where to start searching. There was an entire world out there.

Would he ever see her again?

Miche and his squad should’ve never saved him. They should’ve let those Marleyan soldiers shoot him because what was the point of living like this? He had always hated himself over the things he did but hurting her… allowing them to take her… he was there. All he did was watch. He was so fucking useless. Levi would’ve been able to save her. Levi would’ve been able to protect her.

She should have married Levi.

She should have fallen for Levi.

Erwin had to ignore his feelings once more, just like he always did. There was no point in thinking about it. There was no point in feeling the guilt over and over. Blaming himself was not going to bring her back. The longer he stood idle, the further away she was being taken from him. He had to focus. He had to set up a plan to find her. He had to figure out how. He had so many things to figure out, he began working right after he and the Miche Squad returned.

He hadn’t even taken a moment to rest. All he did was take a shower and change clothes. He was so tired. He could pass out any moment and sleep for days. But the loss of her presence was more than realised. It was now that he needed her the most that she wasn’t there. It was now that he was supposed to figure out how to deal with the outside world and how to protect his home. He needed her brilliant mind, but she wasn’t there.

Even if she was – he would only watch her whilst she went insane. That would have been the worst thing to ever happen to him.

“You’re all dismissed.” He said. He needed some time alone. He wanted to read her letter again and try to better understand what she was going through. Admittedly, he knew nothing on psychiatry, but he was determined to begin reading more books on the subject. If anything, he was an attentive reader.

But maybe Hange knew.

“Except you, Hange.”  

Hange stopped by the door, closing it when Levi walked out. She turned and looked at Erwin who was still sitting by his desk. Everybody had read Nathalie’s letter. Everybody knew about their secret marriage and her condition.

“What do you know about her condition?” Erwin asked, looking up at her and Hange sighed and approached him, standing in front of his desk.

“She diagnosed herself with schizophrenia at first, but then she told me it was something else-”

“She told you?” Erwin arched an eyebrow. Did Hange know before everyone?! Nathalie had told Hange about it and she hadn’t told him about it? Her own husband? He thought she loved him. He thought she trusted him.

Hange’s eyes widened and only then did she realise her mistake. “I- I- Uh, what did I say?! No! I- I-”

“So, you knew,” Erwin said. “You knew before everyone that she was going through this, and you didn’t tell me?!”

“She asked me not to!”

“Bullshit, Hange,” Erwin growled, slamming a first on his desk.

He couldn’t believe this.

“Of course, she would’ve asked you not to. But maybe if you had told me, she would’ve been here right now!”

“If she had set her mind on surrendering, she would’ve done it no matter what we’d do!” Hange cried out in her defence. Maybe she was right because he knew how stubborn Nathalie could be. They both knew it. “And she’s right. There’s no treatment for this.”

“What else did she tell you?”

“She said she’s suspecting that there’s something in her head. An organism of some sort, that has seized control over her mind,” Hange tucked her glasses further up the bridge of her nose.

She was wearing a black eyepatch, but she would restore her eye when she’d get to make the serum. Nathalie had left behind all the data they needed. All they were waiting for was the lab to be functional again.

“An organism?” Erwin asked confusedly. “A parasite? If that can be taken out or killed somehow then we would be able to fix-”

“It’s more complicated than that,” Hange cut him. “We don’t know for sure whether it is a parasite. It may be a symbiont and if we separate them, they’re both going to die.” She groaned. “It’s a fucking mess.”

“She said it has affected the entire Burgess Family.”

“The only thing that differs on a Burgess from a normal human is the mind. That thing can only infest the brain of a Burgess.” Hange assumed. She brought a hand to her chin. “I’m thinking it was targeted, but it doesn’t make sense because the only one who would know how to create such an organism could’ve only been a Burgess.” She shrugged. “Maybe an experiment went wrong.”

“Or maybe there is a Burgess with an inner motive to destroy their own family.” Erwin crossed his arms against his chest. “Either way, without the Burgesses, there is no saving the world. Even Marley agrees on that.”

“Erwin,” Hange drew his attention. A look of determination on her face. “I can do it. I will make the vaccine and Marley and the rest of the world will have no choice but seek for our help.”

“Then we make them sign a peace treaty with Paradis in exchange for the vaccine and the cleansing of the world of titans…” Erwin added.

Hange nodded. “That was Nathalie’s plan.”

“There’s no saying whether they’ll keep their word though.” Erwin said. “They might sign for peace and the next day there might be war.”

“Then we’ll fight.” Hange shrugged. “Isn’t that what we’ve always done?”

Fighting was indeed the only thing they knew how to do best. It was a shame they had to fight for their freedom in the first place. Erwin nodded and parted his lips to dismiss her but a knock came on the door and a man walked in. It was Moblit. He seemed shaken.

“Uh, Commander… Section Commander…” Moblit cleared his throat looking at both his superiors “…we found something… you should see this.”

Erwin arched an eyebrow, and he shared a look with Hange before he stood up and he followed Hange and Moblit outside his office. Moblit took them to Nathalie’s previous quarters that no one had inhabited until recently. Since the Miche Squad was back and they were all qualified to be Squad Leaders and Section Commanders, they were handed different quarters and one of them used to be Nathalie’s.

Nathalie’s quarters were now Nanaba’s and Nanaba hadn’t failed to notice a small, gruelling detail. The bathroom’s floor.

Erwin, Hange and Moblit walked in, finding Miche and Nanaba there already in the bathroom staring at the floor wide-eyed. Had Nathalie done this? It was possible. It was enough proof that she was going insane.

Erwin had no idea of what he was about to see. His eyes widened when he laid eyes on the floor. The floor was ruined beyond imagination and there was but one word repeated over and over. Help. It was written in all shapes and sizes. There was blood staining the ugly cracks on the poor wood. It almost looked like she had scratched it all with her nails. How painful would that be? Breaking the nails and tearing them from the root, trying to write that word over and over everywhere he laid eyes on.

Help. Help. Help. Help. Some were bigger, some others smaller than others. Erwin dropped on one knee and he traced her handiwork with the tips of his fingers. He tried to repeat her movement with his own nails, making sure that that was indeed the case and the ugly scratches on the wood matched.

She had indeed done this with her nails.

He hadn’t realised what she was going through until he saw this. Was that why she was hesitant about moving in with him? She was hesitant about assigning her quarters to someone else. Was that what she was doing all those hours that she spent in here?

She had obsessed over this. She had written down over and over just one word. Help. Why would she…? Did she hope for someone to see this? Was this her begging for help? Begging for someone, anyone to help her escape the shadows. The demons inside her mind. The voice that kept dragging her closer to the verge of insanity.

Was this her begging for someone to save her? But no one really could. That was a fight inside her mind. No one could help her fight something like that.

She must have felt so alone. He could see her. Kneeling on the floor, ruining her fingers, bleeding her nails off whilst she scratched this over and over. Tears running down her cheeks as she tried to scream but she couldn’t. She tried to scream for help but she couldn’t, so, she wrote it instead.

Help. Help. Help. Help.

“Please… someone… anyone…” Her voice barely coming out.

Oh God, did it hurt to imagine her like this. The woman that he loved, so broken. A total mess, and where was he? He wasn’t there for her. Even if she had told him about this, he wouldn’t have been able to help her. He could distract her somehow. He could hold her close and give her a fake sense of safety in his arms where the demons couldn’t reach and the voices would be silenced. Maybe that was all he could do.

Was that why she was holding him so tight in the nights? And when he’d try to stand up and finish some paperwork after making sure she’s asleep, her grip around him would just tighten. It was a mere reflex to keep him there. A reflex that kicked in even in her sleep. He would give up eventually and just stay and hold her tight. Back then he thought she just didn’t want him to leave because she loved him.

Now he knew she didn’t want him to leave because she was terrified.

What about all those nights that she’d sneak in on his bed and just curl up beside him? Was that because of the voices too? The nightmares? What would he have done if he knew about this?

He would have kept her close for sure. All day, every day, for as long as it’d take. He would keep her on his lap while he worked. She would follow him wherever he’d go, whatever he’d do. He’d hold her so tight in the nights and he wouldn’t dare abandon her not even for a second. Anything to make her maddening reality just a little sweeter.

But was that even possible for a man like him? Of course, it wasn’t. He was a man with duties and responsibilities. He would have to abandon everything for her and he knew he’d never do that for anyone. He couldn’t abandon the greater good of humanity, just for her.

Even though he wanted to. But what he wanted was never really relevant.

Erwin sat back, propping a hand on his bent knee, the other hand, still touching the textured floor. Back against the wall behind him and he sighed heavily. Even if he knew about this, he wouldn’t have really done anything different. He had never been there for her, and he would never be because he was a terrible man and she should have never fallen for him.

Even thinking about what should’ve and should’ve not happened was a waste of time. Now she was gone, and she had left behind the very evidence of her insanity. Erwin was left hating himself and wishing he had done everything different. Maybe he would have never chosen the military if he’d known things would end up like this.

“I thought you’d leave me…” maybe she thought right. Maybe he would indeed leave her because she was losing her mind and trying to deal with that – he’d deem it a waste of his precious time.

He was a terrible man after all.

“You’re already protecting me… from myself.” He remembered being so confused over this when she said it. He didn’t understand back then. If only he knew back then that she was suffering like this. Would he still even love her after she had lost her mind? Would he still want her when she’d look at him and she wouldn’t recognise him?

What would he do if he managed to find her and bring her back and her condition got worse? And she would start her self-harming again, and she would obsess over something else – scratching the floors, breaking the mirrors, turning them around, talking to herself. Talking to whatever voices she had inside her mind. Digging wounds on her skin, making herself bleed, seeking for that numbness.

Would he still love her if she was like this? Even when she was being absolutely perfect he had hesitated to love her, but now that she was no longer his perfect little girl – now that she was an insane woman fit for an asylum – would he still love her?

“I thought you’d leave me.” Maybe she was right. He would leave her, but she didn’t want to see it happen, so, she left him first. He deserved it. He wouldn’t have married her. He wouldn’t have kissed her that day – in his office – the first time he ever kissed her. He had regretted that first kiss. He had regretted their marriage. He had regretted their relationship. He had regretted their dreams.

He had regretted everything because he had allowed himself to feel and now that it was all brought to ruin it hurt so much. Even if he saved the world, and even if he found her and brought her back, they could never have a home and raise a family. They could never have everything they had talked about.

And she knew that, that’s why she left. That’s why she surrendered. The faster she ended this relationship, the less it would hurt. But now they were married. They were married and they had vouched to each other to love each other in sickness and in health.

So, what was he going to do? Find her? Bring her back? Then what? Maybe he wouldn’t search for her at all. It was for the best of them both that she left.

He was a terrible man after all.

“I will not blame her for trying to kill us anymore,” Nanaba sighed and Miche nodded.

“It’s bad,” Miche said. “Her scent is all over the place. She did this.”

“AAHH MY POOR BABY, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN THROUGH…!” Hange started crying and sobbing maniacally but thank goodness Moblit was there to keep her contained.

Miche turned and looked at Erwin, sitting on the floor. The man was a mess.

“What now, Erwin?”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

 

“I’m here for you.” Zeke pressed his cheek on top of her head, but she pulled back and looked at him.

 

“Why?” Why would this man want to help her?

 

“No child should be raised without a father.”

 

He knew that better than anyone.

Chapter 81: The Other Side

Notes:

HERE TAKE SOME PAIN UWU

She stared outside the window. She wasn’t really doing anything else to spend her days. Staring blankly on the four walls, on that one window that stood by her bed. There was a bed, a table with a chair, a small closet, and a small bathroom. Her door was locked almost always, only opening when they delivered her food and her medicine. She was like a prisoner but in a fancier cell.

The walls were white. Her clothes were white. White shirts, white skirts. It hadn’t taken them long to realise that she had drifted towards madness as well. She was just another useless Burgess who had gone insane. Maybe not fully yet but she would lose her mind entirely soon.

Especially when she was living in this place.

Screams echoed in the halls. She didn’t know whether they were inside her mind or whether they were the rest of her family members in the other rooms of the building. She just knew all the Burgesses were kept there. A family of mad people destined to die out one day.

The sound of a gunshot reached her ears, but she knew no one got shot. It was in her mind.

“NO! He’s dying, he’s of no threat to you! Let him go! It was all me! He knows nothing! It’s all me, just let him go, please, please, please…”

BAM!

She tried to lie. She tried to tell them that he was a dead man. A man that knew nothing. A man that was of absolutely no threat to Marley. They shot him anyway. Or at least that’s what it had sounded like. They had pushed her inside the ship before she could see it happen. But maybe she was grateful that she hadn’t seen them shooting him. She had just heard it. A gunshot and then silence. Deafening silence.

Why couldn’t they just shoot her too? Why keep her alive? Why did she have to spend the rest of her life thinking about how she had let them kill the man she loved? He was gone, wasn’t he? Erwin was dead. He would’ve found her if he wasn’t.

Right? He would look for her, wouldn’t he? Somehow, she began to doubt that. Maybe he would do as she had asked. Forget me, I beg of you. Maybe all she’d have was memories now. Thinking of him. The things they’d been through, the things they never got the chance to do.

She never even got the chance to bury him.

Now she would sit there, and she would watch their story fade to black.

Her fingers clenched and she tried to hold back tears. It all ended too fast.

The door opened and a nurse walked in with a couple of papers in her hands. “Nathalie Burgess…” she looked down at the papers and she sighed “…the results came out. It seems, you’re pregnant.”

Her eyes widened and her heart sank in her stomach.

What was she going to do?

“You are two months in. You still have the option of abortion.”

“I’m keeping it!”

It slipped right out of her mouth before she even had the chance to say anything else. She hadn’t thought this through, it was clear. But she didn’t care. She would never kill her own child. She did it once and it had been haunting her ever since. A hand clenched on her belly, on that small bump that had started to show. It was precious. It was all she had left of him.

The nurse tried to speak, to beg her to reconsider because what kind of life would that child lead? Born as a Burgess bound to be raised in an asylum and then go insane one day anyway.

“I’ll talk to her.” A male voice came from behind and the nurse turned and saw the War Chief.

“C- Chief Yeager!”

“Can I have a moment with Dr Burgess?”

“O- Of course!”

The nurse walked out, closing the door behind and Zeke approached her. Nathalie was staring blankly on some random spot in the room, remaining quiet, but her mind was so loud. What was she going to do? She knew for sure that she would keep it.

“Nat?”

It took a moment for her attention to fall on him. He dropped down on one knee in front of her, searching for her eyes, her attention. She finally looked at him with those bright blue eyes. There was shock in them. There was terror, sadness, but certainty as well. She wasn’t going to give up on that child, was she?

“What are you going to do?” Zeke asked even though, he already knew her answer.

“I’m keeping it.”

“Nat, I want you to think about the life you’re giving that poor child, they’re going to lose their mind just like every other Burgess-”

“Not if I deliver them via a C-section.” Nathalie’s eyes shined with hope.

That’s right. She had figured it out long ago. If a Burgess delivered a child via a C-section then the child would not come in contact with the mother’s microbiome and it would not get infected with whatever the hell was driving the Burgesses insane. That could also be how they could save the Burgess Family.

Zeke did not further speak. She had made up her mind. She wrapped her arms around her belly. She didn’t know why she was talking to this man. She was supposed to hate this man, but frankly, she didn’t have the energy to hate anybody right now.

“I will not kill my child… never again…” she drew in a deep breath to ease her need to cry, but it only made it worse “…he is dead… that’s all I have left of him…” she wept and shut her eyes tight, pushing a pair of warm, salty tears down her cheeks.

It broke his heart watching her like this. They might have been in the opposite sides of this war, but she did not deserve this. She thought Erwin was dead. He knew that Erwin had possibly survived because someone jumped in and took him out of their sight the night when they took her.

But should he tell her about this? What would she do if she knew that her husband was alive? She would wait for him. She would keep staring outside her window for the rest of her days, hoping to see him coming. But the chances of him finding this place were minimal. Even Zeke didn’t know the location of this asylum. He was brought there after an insufferable amount of paperwork and a bag thrown on top of his head.

Giving hope to someone about something that is hopeless was the cruellest thing. He wasn’t about to do it to her.

“Alright.” Zeke stood up and sat beside her by the edge of her bed.

He wrapped an arm around her, and he guided her to bury her face in his neck, on his shoulder, letting her cry there. He had no idea why he had done that. He had no idea why he wanted so much to be there for her. But it didn’t feel wrong, and she did not push him away. She clutched her fingers on his shirt and she buried her face in the crook of his neck. She wept there silently whilst he stroked her hair gently to soothe her.

“I’m here for you.” He pressed his cheek on top of her head, but she pulled back and looked at him.

“Why?” Why would this man want to help her?

And he didn’t quite know what to say to that. He didn’t know why he had said that in the first place. Just a few days ago, they wanted to kill each other. But he had been alone for so long and he hoped for her to understand his plan. He hoped to be able and share it with her one day. But maybe today was not that day.

Now she was alone too.

He looked away from her as if he was afraid that if she looked him in the eye, she would see something he didn’t want her to see. “No child should be raised without a father.”

All he ever wanted was his father’s love and acceptance. He got it eventually, but this world was hell. He did not agree with her keeping it and bringing that new life into this hellish, cruel world. But he wasn’t about to let her do this on her own.

And he had no idea why. He just knew how horrible it was to lose a father and he wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Mr Ksaver came into his life and saved him. Maybe he could for once do the same for someone else. Maybe that was his only way of atoning for all the lives that he had taken.

She allowed her head to roll on his shoulder and she wiped her cheeks. She couldn’t believe she was saying this. She did not trust him, but she wanted to believe that she wasn’t alone in this insane place.

“Thank you… Zeke.”

And God, she was so beautiful like this, leaning on him, wrapping her arms around one of his own and burying her face in his shoulder, closing her pretty eyes. The glow of her damp cheeks. He wiped the wet traces that her tears had left there with the rough pad of his thumb.

His heart was thrumming hard beneath his chest, and he had no idea why.

༻◊۞◊༺

Five Months Later

“The Queen’s Campaign to convince the people has been a success. Around 60% of the populace behind the walls has been vaccinated with the brilliant vaccine Dr Hange Zoe and Dr Moblit Berner with their teams are mass producing.”

It was a debriefing in the Military Police Headquarters in the Capital Mitras.

“The Survey Corps, in association with the Military Police and the Garrison have managed to clear the entire island off titans, including Wall Maria. Most of those titans were turned into humans via another brilliant creation of Dr Zoe’s, a serum…”

Those humans were present, right now, in the large hall, offering all the help they could to the Children of Ymir – the people behind the Walls. They were Eldians as well. Some were doctors, engineers, scientists. They helped Paradis reach the technological standards of the rest of the world. It was taking time, but warm water and electricity had already been established in the capital and some inner districts of Wall Rose.

Wall Maria was beginning to get inhabited again. The people returned to their homes, their Districts, and meat was no longer a rarity. Some people had also started to build homes outside of Wall Maria and the gates of Shiganshina were indefinitely open.

They had done so much work the past few months. They tried to upgrade their ammunition, their technology, their medical approaches. In a few years, Paradis would have reached the standards of the rest of the world. Three more Industrial Cities were established producing a material that they didn’t know how to create before – plastic, including lamps working on power, and power plants using Iceburst Stone to mass-produce power.

The titans were no longer the problem. There were no longer titans on Paradis and the people who could turn into titans were now a minority. They were a number that kept dropping and dropping with the help of the vaccine.

Hange’s and Moblit’s names were written all over the newspapers and spoken by every single citizen behind the walls. They were the two saviours of the Eldian race. Alas, Hange hated it. Moblit hated it too because they did nothing. They just followed the notes and instructions that Nathalie had left back. They weren’t the ones who figured out how to turn an Eldian into a human who couldn’t shift. They weren’t the ones who figured out how to turn a titan back into a human, or how to revive a dying soldier.

Those were things that Nathalie had figured out with hours upon hours of researching and literally bleeding to death and ruining her mind and going insane. She had wasted sweat and tears and blood and sleepless nights on this research that now Hange and Moblit were taking all the credit for.

It was Erwin’s idea.

Of course, it was Erwin’s idea to hide Nathalie’s name beneath black ink and force her in the background of it all. Marley had taken Nathalie and they had to be convinced somehow that she didn’t know how to make the vaccine. Marley had to be convinced that Nathalie was useless.

Marley had to understand that they needed Dr Hange Zoe’s help from Paradis.

That was Erwin’s plan. Brilliant, but heartless towards the woman that he claimed he loved.

He hadn’t even searched for her.

It had been five months. There was no special squad to be sent out undercover in Marley to look for her. There were no traces of her whereabouts. No sign of her anywhere.

She could have even been dead.

Hange had no idea what was going on in Erwin’s mind. She could never understand this man. Why wasn’t he searching for her? He had given up on her, hadn’t he? He was focusing on saving the people behind the walls. He was focusing on training new armies to handle guns and swords and man-killing weapons because the titans were no longer the biggest problem. Sure, there were titans scattered all over the world because they had gotten out of Marley’s control.

But the titans that roamed the lands beyond Paradis were said to be different. Those were titans that somehow… reproduced. Or that’s what they reported, those files that they had stolen from those Marleyan ships that Erwin had Eren crash in his titan form.

They needed more engineers. So, after Paradis finished building a dock and a Military Headquarters in the furthest western part of the island, they captured two ships. They called them volunteers. Erwin negotiated with them expertly and they were now helping them establish trainlines and build cars, and machines of any kind.

Five more modern labs were established beneath the Palace modelled after the one that was already there. The generator was no longer needed since they drew power directly from the Capital’s power plant. Business was blooming of course, and the Universities were now teaching modern electrical and mechanical engineering.

There were hundreds of new students every day.

That was progress indeed, but deep down, Erwin Smith was a dead man. He wasn’t looking for her. He told himself she wasn’t their priority. He told himself that he was a terrible man and deeming her to be of less importance was only natural for him.

And he was right, wasn’t he? He had to lead – to make sure Paradis was ready to strike back in case the entire world attacked – and it was pretty possible that they would attack any moment. The admissions in the Survey Corps had never been so high.

It almost felt like Erwin was the man in charge. Sure, the people looked up to the Queen, but Premier Zackly nodded in agreement to his every request and so did Commander Pyxis and Commander Nile. Erwin was indeed the man doing everything.

He was so tired. So very tired.

He could see her. She was right there. In the late, late nights when he’d pass out on his office and he’d wake up to drag himself to bed for three hours of sleep at best, he could see her.

She was right there, with that precious smile on her lips. She was wearing her white silky robe that was still hanging from their coat-stand. She wore that white gown that she used to sleep with. She approached him with that messy brown hair and the bright blue eyes that he adored so dearly. Those wonderful glasses that always suited her so well.

She settled on his lap, and she hooked her arms around his neck.

He tried to wrap his arms around her. He tried to bury his face in her shoulder – let her take his worries away, his duties, his responsibilities even for just a little moment.

But all he hugged in the end was the thin air. She wasn’t there. There was no weight pressing on his lap. No gentle hands cupping his cheeks, no blue eyes staring at his own. Her scent had withered away. Her clothes were all tucked in the shelves and hanging in their shared little closet.

Whenever he opened that closet to pick a set of clothes, he’d see her skirts hanging alongside his shirts and pants. He’d find that red dress that he had once bought her.

She had only worn it once.

She had left it back for him to keep when she left him the first time. She had left it back for him to keep now, that she had left him for the second time. All she did was leave but he never blamed her.

He was a terrible man after all.

And now he was right here – 4 am in the morning, hallucinating that she hadn’t left.

His hand reached for that glass of whiskey that lingered almost permanently on his desk. There was but a sip left. He chugged it down and he searched for that bottle of whiskey that he had somewhere nearby. It was empty and he groaned.

Would she scold him if she saw him like this? She definitely would. He never thought he would give in to alcohol, but he needed something to help him pass out because exhaustion wasn’t enough. Every damn time, whenever he closed his eyes all he saw was her. All he thought about in the late nights like this one, it was still her.

He shivered. The window was open. Cold air snuck in. No one had dropped a blanket on top of him when he passed out on his desk. He brought a hand to his face, to rub his aching forehead and only then did he notice the facial hair having grown overly on his cheeks, his jaw. If he let them grow a little more, he would look exactly like his father. It was funny to think about how in just two months he was going to reach the age his father never got to reach.

Erwin pulled himself up forcefully, pressing his hands on the table and he blindly made his way to the bed. He had been sleeping on her side of the bed, burying his face in her pillow trying to find her scent but it was gone just like she.

He cursed himself so many times for not being able to hold her with two hands when he only had one.

But even though he had both hands now, she wasn’t there for him to hold.

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

actually it's Nat trying to convince Zeke that his Euthanisation Plan is bs LMAO so yeah

also daddy zeke uwu

Chapter 82: A Different Way of Thinking

Notes:

UNEDITED OFC IM ✨SLEEP-DEPRIVED✨ so im posting a chap early today so that i can also sleep early tonight even tho there's no way i'mma do that LMFAO

Next time he visited her, it was about three months later. He found her knitting with two large needles and a light blue, fluffy ball of yarn. Her glasses rested at the very edge of the tip of her nose. Nathalie was sitting by that chair in front of the window. Her belly had grown enough to begin to show.

Beneath the white, oversized gown that she was wearing. Her face brightened up when she saw him.

“Zeke!” She placed the needles aside and tried to stand up. “I didn’t think you’d come back.”

He placed a hand on her shoulder, forcing her to remain seated. He was holding a bag. Had he gone grocery shopping? He settled it on top of her table.

“Well, Marley hasn’t sent me in some war for about two days now, and I was starting to get bored,” Zeke said sarcastically with a grin.

She chuckled, holding onto his blistered hand that still lingered on her shoulder. “Please, be careful.” She said worriedly looking up at him with those huge, shiny blue eyes that he’d never tire looking at.

“Don’t you worry about me.” He let go of her hand and he pulled from the bag a box with chocolate cupcakes. “Thought you might crave something different.”

Her eyes widened. “Is that… chocolate?!”

He chuckled. “It is.”

She grabbed one and forced a large bite in her mouth right away. She munched with stuffed cheeks and chocolate staining her fingers and she let out a moan of satisfaction as the sweet cake spread on her tongue.

“Mhmm! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you-” she forced another bite in her mouth before she even had the chance to finish the repetitive sentence.

“Ah, look at that mess…” Zeke chuckled, and he took out a handkerchief, wiping the icing off her lips and some of it had even stuck on the tip of her nose. He handed her the handkerchief so that she could wipe her fingers as well. God, she looked adorable like this. Stuffed cheeks, a look of satisfaction on her face. “…you like chocolate I take it,” he grinned.

“It makes me so happy,” Nathalie swallowed, wiping her lips and her fingers. “I’m so sorry, I ate this like a pig, but I’ve never been hungrier in my life! Especially dealing with anorexia, I never really ate more than one meal per day, but now-”

“Anorexia?” Zeke asked.

Oh, sometimes she forgot she wasn’t talking to Erwin – a man who knew her and knew everything about her and she took that for granted. But Zeke didn’t really know much about her, and she didn’t really know much about him. Why was he treating her well? She’d have to ask him again. But maybe that question would have to wait.

“Yeah, you see, there’s one Medical University on Paradis, and that’s in the Capital. Back then they didn’t let women enrol, but there was one competition I took part in, and I scored the highest,” she chuckled “they didn’t really have a choice but to let me enrol. But well…”

She didn’t quite know how to phrase it. He probably didn’t care at all about her little sob story. She should probably just sum it up and shut her mouth. Those years as a student would forever haunt her, but she had carried on now. It had been such a long time ago.

“…they… didn’t… treat me well.” Nathalie summed it up with a bitter smile as she looked down at her hand that rubbed on her belly.

“They barely allow women to study here too,” Zeke said. “Only the Burgesses are an exception.”

Nathalie smiled. “That would’ve been nice.”

At least, if she had grown up in Marley, she wouldn’t have gone through …everything really. She wouldn’t have met Erwin. She wouldn’t have fought as a Scout. She wouldn’t have fought at all actually. She would have just been a scientist working in the advanced labs of the Burgess Family. Doing research just like she was always meant to be.

Maybe she would have met another man. Maybe she would have fallen for Zeke instead since her uncle raised him and they were bound to meet each other.

“Why are you…” Nathalie started, and she looked up at him. He was sitting by the edge of her bed now, finally looking up at her as she spoke. “…why are you so… so nice to me?” There must have been something he was after. No one ever really showed kindness and compassion without a little bit of something in return. “Why are you… visiting me? Why these cakes? Why… do you not hate me?”

“I was going to ask you the same thing.”

“I did hate you.” Nathalie was going to be honest like she had always been. “I hated you that day when I watched you kill those poor children. Anybody would have hated you.” Nathalie sighed. “Maybe you even hated yourself.”

At that, he looked away and she was certain that she was correct. He didn’t want to do it, did he? It was just another mission that Marley was forcing on him. How many people did he kill just because he was ordered to do it? Hundreds?

Thousands probably.

He had the persona of the narcissistic little bastard that would and could take everything he ever wanted from everyone he laid eyes on. And maybe he was a selfish man with a thousand secrets and a smile on his face that no one could ever breach. But there was more beneath, and she was very good at digging beneath someone’s skin and finding their real selves. The scared little boy who pointed a finger to his parents and had them arrested himself, losing them forever.

“But I… I don’t hate you anymore.” Nathalie chuckled. “Frankly, I don’t have enough energy to hate or love anyone right now, so… I’m conserving it all for the little one,” she rubbed her belly and smiled down on it.

She was going to make an extraordinary mother. He could tell. Sometimes he wondered about how different things would be if his parents actually loved him instead of using him to fight a war that wasn’t even his own. Nathalie would never do that to her child. Neither Nathalie nor Erwin would ever let their children live in this world the way it was right now. Full of monsters and enemies and the threat of being killed any moment. Fighting a war was the adults’ duty. It was their duty to deliver a better world to their children.

Nathalie had done her part. It was Hange next in line to become a Commander and Nathalie had given her everything she needed. Hange was going to do Erwin’s part now and she was going to save the world.

“So? Why is it that you’re visiting me, Zeke?”

“I’m not following Marley’s orders.” Zeke finally said and her eyes widened. “I never really did. Mr Ksaver and I came up with a plan long ago, and I wanted to tell you about it.”

“I see.” Nathalie had hunch something like that was coming. “I’m not following Marley’s orders either.” She smirked and his eyes widened. “I made a deal with Commander Magath to lend you my knowledge and help you rid the world of titans. To help Marley right their wrongs and save the world from their mistake. But I won’t do that. I’m going insane and I’m useless to them.”

“Was surrendering part of your plan?” Zeke asked. “You could run away. I know you could. You could have just let it take over and you’d just-”

“I wanted to leave, because this… condition… it is uncontrollable, Zeke. I hurt some pretty good people. I hurt friends without realising.” Nathalie bit her lip. “At least, here, they’ve taken measures. I can’t hurt anyone here and I have people who can restrain me if I lose control.”

She had to change the subject. Her life had become a living hell and she had lost the man she loved. She had lost her friends, her previous life and everything she knew. She had lost everything, and she was barely holding things together. Soon she would lose her mind and she would forget all about everything she’d been through on Paradis. She would become like her cousins, her uncles, that she passed by the halls of the asylum, watching them pacing back and forth, eyes blown wide, nails buried in their scalp trying to put up with the voices.

She couldn’t tell how long she had left, but she hoped long enough to raise her child. Oddly, the little life growing in her belly was the only thing that was keeping her sane right now. It was the only light in her life. The only thing she hadn’t lost.

Erwin had made her promise to never hurt herself again. He had made her vow to never give up on their child if she got pregnant again. And she did just that. She would honour her dead husband’s wishes indefinitely. She had tried being strong like he would have wanted her to. She smiled and talked to the nurses, and she tried to fight off and ignore the constant screams in her mind.

But that didn’t mean that she didn’t cry herself to sleep in the nights when all she did was think of him. Wishing he were there to see that they were having a child and they could finally be a family like they wanted. But he wasn’t there. He was gone. Everything she had ever done in her life was for the sole purpose of keeping him alive by her side.

That was all erased in just a single, small moment. She had brought him back from the brink of death, but they shot him anyway and she watched her world crumble.

“Nat,” Zeke snapped her out of it, and he brought his handkerchief to her damp cheek. She was crying all of a sudden and she hadn’t even noticed it. Nathalie took his handkerchief, and she wiped her eyes, her cheeks.

“I’m sorry, I just… I miss my husband…” she chuckled bitterly looking away “…I am a widow, after all.”

A miserable, pregnant widow. She never thought she would become one. She actually considered it when she married him, though. She always expected him to die one day but she kept telling herself she’d die with him, and she would avoid the pain and the mourning.

“Don’t you sometimes think that… we could have all avoided this pain if we’d never been born?” Zeke asked.

“Well, that is a fact. We could have indeed avoided it all this pain if we’d never been born.” Nathalie nodded.

She always wondered why life existed in the first place and who had created it. Those were questions that humanity had tried to answer with different religions. Religions gave strength, security, and purpose. They answered why and how. No one can live long enough and remain sane without answering those questions somehow. Science could not really answer those questions. Science could only measure with accuracy and define material items and there was nothing material about their maker.

But whoever created this world – one thing was certain – they wanted humanity to suffer. Maybe there was a purpose behind that suffering, but there’s never any certainty.

“If the carrier of the Founding Titan comes in contact with me – an Eldian of royal blood, then we’ll be able to the modify genetically all Eldians, is that correct?” Zeke asked. A Burgess would certainly know. He had to make sure.

Nathalie nodded. “I see what you’re getting at. You want to make sure no more Eldians are being born.”

“Exactly.”

It was a …short-sighted plan. Smart, sure. He waited with bated breath her reaction to it, but she took a moment to look at him and study his face.

“You really do think that living and the very sense of life is a calamity, don’t you?” Nathalie asked. “Because from the second you were born, you were burdened. You were burdened to live in this life… to carry a responsibility you never asked for. So was I. So is everyone.” She stroked her belly and she looked down at it. “This baby too, but I refuse to believe that it is a calamity.” She looked up at Zeke. “I refuse to believe that this baby, and every baby is not a blessing. It is miracle.” She smiled at him. “I used to agree with you, Zeke, but I was wrong. There are good things in life. Maybe they’re too little compared to all the suffering we’re going through. But look at me in the eye and tell me you don’t have at least one good memory.”

He looked at her for a moment, remaining silent, trying to think. He did have a good memory. More than one actually. And maybe she was right. Sure, there was lots of suffering, but there were a few good memories. Maybe they were only a few, but he had been holding onto them and he hadn’t even realised it.

All those times he had played catch with Mr Ksaver. All those times the two of them would sit down and talk and laugh and keep each other company. That man had raised him. That man showed him how living in a healthy home felt like. No shouting. No burdens. No expectations.

“There was this… time when I was… seventeen. I hadn’t yet inherited the Beast Titan.” Zeke talked. “Mr Ksaver and I were playing catch. It was right after my training at five in the afternoon…” he chuckled. “…I tossed the ball at him harder than he could handle. He protested and I called him an old man…” he had never opened up like this to anyone, but before he had the chance to regret it, she gave him the sweetest smile.

“See? You do have good memories!” Nathalie’s face brightened and she looked down at her belly again. “This little one… I can’t promise they’ll have an easy life, but they’ll have my love and for that I can promise.” She chuckled. “Maybe you keep visiting because you’re looking for new good memories.”

Zeke chuckled and met her blue eyes with his own. “Dammit, Nat. You’re not supposed to see right through me.” It was annoying but kind of refreshing all the same. She could read him better than anyone and they had only known each other for a few days.

Well, if she could crack Levi and Erwin, she could definitely crack this man too. Nathalie pressed her hands on the arms of her armchair, and she pulled herself up on her feet with a grunt. The cramped muscles of her legs adjusted to her newly added weight and she sat beside him on the edge of her bed.

She let out a breath. “Oh boy, never thought such a short distance could be so tiring.” She giggled and she placed a hand on his shoulder, turning to look at him only to find him staring at her.

She was breathtaking up close. Short brown hair, a lock almost permanently on the left side of her forehead. Pink lips and blue eyes staring behind the circular lenses of her glasses. The most beautiful smile.

“So? Are you going to ask for a hug, or am I going to have to guess that you need one?” Nathalie grinned playfully, snapping him out of it.

He chuckled. “A hug?” It almost sounded unreal.

“How long since you’ve had one?”

He could hardly remember. “Too long.”

“You come here for good memories, don’t you?” She opened her arms. “Come here, then. Let me give you a good memory.”

She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, urging him to get closer. He wrapped his arms around her waist, and he buried his face her shoulder. He closed his eyes, and he felt her fingers reaching for his hair, burying beneath the golden locks, and massaging his tormented head. He sighed blissfully with just a single movement of her fingers. He buried his nose in the crook of her neck and his arms tightened around her.

There was something sweet and familiar about her scent, and her touch was soft. She buried her face in his shoulder and she closed her eyes and all she saw was Erwin. She imagined hugging him instead and she felt guilt building up in her stomach, but she couldn’t help it. She needed this hug just as much as he did.

And then he pulled back and looked at her, and he felt her fingers on his cheek, cupping his face. Her hazy eyes met his own and her pink, plump lips were parted. He found himself wondering what they tasted like. He had never wanted to kiss a woman as much as he did now.

Sure, he had had many acquaintances before, but there was something about Nathalie that felt different. He felt like he could trust her. He felt like he already knew her and everything about her.

She smiled at him. Blue eyes examined her face whilst she stroked his rough cheek. His beard tickled her palm and the tip of her thumb found the patch of skin that was exposed. He closed his eyes briefly at the contact. What a touch-starved man? What was it with that willingness to give him all the affection he so visibly craved for?

Nathalie pulled him into another hug again, burying her face in his neck and clutching on his shirt. She shut her eyes and she nuzzled there deeply. “Thank you.” She said, confusing him entirely, because he hadn’t really done anything. “For I am not alone now.”

Why was loneliness so frightening even when she had known loneliness for as long as she could remember herself? She probably knew what being lonely felt like better than anyone, yet she still was frightened of it. It was a terrible feeling indeed, and if Zeke could help her escape from it then she would forever be grateful.

Zeke smiled – for once – genuinely, as he kept his arms around her and he buried his face in her hair, drawing in her scent and shutting his eyes. He parted his lips to say something, but she let out a wince and he immediately loosened his hold around her and pulled back to look at her, worrying that he had held her too tightly, hurting her somehow.

Nathalie’s faced twisted in pain as she clutched on her belly, but only a second later, she let out a laugh. Her face brightened entirely.

“Here, let me show you.” Nathalie took his hand and placed it on a specific spot on her belly and it didn’t take too long until he felt a kick beneath. She laughed happily and tears of happiness filled her eyes. She wiped them away with her knuckles and he let out a breath he hadn’t even noticed he was holding. “You can’t tell me that this is not a miracle. Why take away the chance from many young Eldian mothers to feel what I’m feeling right now?”

He cupped her cheek. “Because this world-”

“It’s terrible, yes.” She said it for him. “But not everything about it.”

It was what he had worked on his entire life, and then she came and crashed it in just one day. Maybe she was right. Maybe she wasn’t. He needed time to think. He could not make decisions to abort his entire life’s mission in just one day. But another kick came from beneath her belly, and he laughed. He laughed. The last time he had genuinely laughed he was but a child.

He couldn’t ignore that fluttering beneath his chest and the fondness he felt for someone who hadn’t even been born yet. Maybe if he hadn’t visited her at all today, things would have been simpler. But he’d still be the man he hated. Now he had the chance to be something better.

“You’ve given me a lot to think about.” Zeke admitted and she smiled at him letting go of his hand.

“Once you figure it out, visit me again.”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

“Do you want to hold him?”

Zeke’s eyes widened and he stumbled on his words. “I… I’ve never really…”

She giggled at his hesitation. "Just be gentle."

Guess who was the first to hold Erwin and Nat's son? PAPA ZEKEEEEE uwu lmao Erwin's gonna get so furious when he finds out he's been replaced 💀💀💀 it's gonna be sexy af tho

Chapter 83: Lost One, Gain One

Notes:

TYSM FOR UR COMMENTS

here take some extra pain ehehehehehe

what do you hc Erwin's dad's name was? 🤔🤔🤔

Also, Nathalie's Theme.mp3 , piano played by yours truly

Nat had a whole different theme in BHSL, grand and orchestral and all, but here, I believe piano solo fits better, cuz she's sad, she's ill, she's alone, she thinks her husband is dead, she's grieving. She feels everything and nothing at the same time.

The piece I wrote is like staring into nothingness waiting for something not knowing what that is, but still waiting. There's no climax, the ending is incomplete, because that's exactly how she feels. A part of her was torn away. She tells herself to be grateful but she just can't.

Two Months Later

Screaming.

He ran. Zeke ran fast, bumping onto nurses, and rushing through the halls. It was supposed to happen tomorrow – if he had checked his calendar correctly. He visited her at least once a month. Twice sometimes too. When Marley wasn’t yet sending him to fight their wars, he spent his time with her. There were those chocolate cakes that she craved from a specific bakery in the capital of Marley. Only he could bring them to her. The food in the asylum was nothing too great.

“Sir! You can’t go in!” A nurse stood in front of him, blocking him from getting through the half-open door.

Zeke tried to say something – he had no idea what, he just had to get in, but Nathalie spoke first.

“Let him!” Nathalie wept in pain. “Let him… please… we’re raising it together, please, let him… I can’t do this alone…” she threw her head back and cried out in pain. She had insisted on a C-section, and she didn’t really expect the doctor to know how to handle one. And he clearly couldn’t.

Zeke was beside her before she knew it. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders, picking up her upper body and settling it on his chest as he settled down on the bed beside her.

“Zeke…” she wept breathlessly. Chest heaving up and down erratically. She tried to turn and look at him, but she threw her head back against his shoulder and let out another cry in pain.

“I’ve got you.” He spoke against her temple, and he took out his handkerchief, wiping the sweat off her brow, her forehead, her tears that stained her lips, her cheeks. “I’m here now,” he reassured her.

Her hand reached for his own and he let her grip his fingers with every painful wail. God, was it tormenting to watch her and hear shout and scream like this. She clutched on him. She was grateful that she wasn’t alone. She would forever be grateful to this man for just being there.

Zeke never thought he’d ever experience something like this. It wasn’t pleasant to watch her in pain, but it wasn’t necessarily bad either. He kept speaking to her, trying to keep her conscious, to remind her to breathe, to push, to hang on. She needed this. He could tell she needed him to lean back on his shoulder and grip his arm. Her hold around his fingers was tight. But then he realised she wasn’t crying because of the pain anymore. The anaesthetics were starting to kick in.

She was crying because he wasn’t there. Her husband – the father of her child was gone. He was dead and it was all her fault. And now Erwin wasn’t there to see this. It was Zeke instead, but she was grateful.

Zeke cupped her face urging her to turn and look at him. “Hey, look at me… Nat…” her teary eyes finally met his own “…I’m here for you… he’s not here, but I am.”

“One final time, Dr Burgess.” The doctor instructed before she clutched on Zeke and let out another cry in pain that was soon accompanied by other little cries and shrieks. “It’s a healthy boy.”

Her eyes widened. Now that new set of tears was happiness. She didn’t even know why she was crying anymore. Was it the pain? Was it happiness? Was it sadness because she was missing him? She missed him so much it was maddening. She hugged Zeke and all she saw was Erwin. All she saw was the man she loved. But that man was gone. He was gone forever.

She didn’t know why she was crying, because when they handed her her baby and she held him for the first time, she looked down and she laughed, she cried, she wept, she smiled. Her vision was so blurry she could hardly make out his little face, but she wiped her eyes and she realised he looked exactly like him. He looked exactly like Erwin. Blonde little messy hair, half-lidded bright blue eyes.

He was the spitting image of his father.

She wept and pressed her forehead against his own, holding him tight and careful in her arms. It was getting hard to breathe.

“Must you look like him?”

But maybe that was alright. She had lost him, but now she had her baby. A precious little version of him to remind her that she once loved Erwin Smith and she loved him so much. Maybe she needed that reminder. And maybe she wasn’t alone.

She pressed a kiss on his little forehead, and she sighed, finally ceasing her crying. She should’ve been crying out of happiness, not sorrow. She wasn’t alone. She had this perfect little boy in her arms. She had Zeke. She had found a loyal friend in him. He was there for her. She should’ve been grateful.

Nathalie wiped her tears, and she cupped his fluffy cheek, smiling down at her little boy, her son. She was a mother. She had yet to realise it. She had imagined that day to be so very different. When she’d become a mom, she had imagined Erwin to be beside her, crying with her. Who am I kidding? Erwin wouldn’t cry. Erwin was gone. Even if he was here, he’d still put his duties above her and their son. She would forever come second in his life, including their children.

But Erwin was gone now. He was gone, and it hurt more than anything.

“Edward Erwin Smith.” She needn’t think about the name too much. Edward was Erwin’s father’s name. She knew Erwin would appreciate that choice. But she also wanted to honour her dead husband.

It was painful. She was alone. She had to be strong for the little one. She had to resist going insane for him. She had to resist. Erwin was gone and it hurt so much, but at the same time, he had left something behind for her. He hadn’t left her alone.

“Thank you…” Nathalie whispered shakily, thanking her dead husband, hoping he had heard her. He hadn’t left her alone. Her sweet man. The man she loved. She shut her eyes, pushing another set of tears down her cheeks. Exhaustion washed over her, and she allowed her head to roll back on Zeke’s shoulder. She looked at him with half-lidded tired eyes. “Do you want to hold him?” She smiled at him weakly.

Zeke’s eyes widened and he stumbled on his words. “I… I’ve never really…”

She chuckled. “It’s alright.” She picked her head from his shoulder, and she turned and looked at him. “Just be gentle.” She handed him little Eddie and for the first time in his life he was actually scared to do such a simple thing.

Zeke withdrew his arms from around her and he took the boy in his hug trying to be as gentle as he possibly could. He was so scared to hurt him somehow and Nathalie laughed weakly noticing his hesitation, but he finally got it, holding him right. Supporting his little head. Eddie even shifted closer to his chest in his deep slumber and Zeke chuckled. A genuine smile spread on his lips. He couldn’t remember the last time he had smiled genuinely.

“Hey there, little guy.”

Damn, what was that feeling? Happiness? Heavy eyelashes and a smile that almost reached his ears. Why was he feeling moved all of a sudden? That boy wasn’t even his own.

“See? I think he likes you.” Nathalie smiled and she laid her head back tiredly against the pillows. The doctor had finished stitching her up, and the nurses had left, letting her rest for now. “I’m going to… rest a bit…” Nathalie’s hand reached for his own, catching his attention “…will you be here when I wake up?”

She didn’t know why she was so fucking needy and dependent. She had no idea when she’d see him again. It could be months later, or years. If he was going to leave, then she wouldn’t fall asleep just yet.

Zeke gave her a smile and he took her hand in his own. “I will.” He brought her hand to his lips, pressing a kiss on the back of her knuckles. “Rest, Nat. You did so good today.”

She smiled at him before she allowed herself to close her eyes and rest back against her pillows. Soon her hand grew limp in his own, and he held little Eddie for hours.

༻◊۞◊༺

Erwin was starting to come up with a plan. The state of the world and their situation was dire. But the more difficult it was, the easier for him to stay distracted. He focused on this and nothing else. He had tried to reach out to other countries. They needed allies. They needed relationships with other countries, and he tried to establish just that. The Hizuru were the first to pick up the phone.

Erwin knew they were after the Iceburst Stone, a mine unique to Paradis Island and in return they helped them technologically and put in a good word to their allies for the people of Paradis. Erwin was starting to realise that the world didn’t really care about Eldians being able to shift. That was an issue that only Marley and their allies had. Sure, Marley had many allies, but after letting titans loose, and forcing all the other countries to build walls, Marley was losing those allies one by one.

It was almost too easy for Erwin to fix this. Marley was trying maniacally to find a way to fight off the titans that had gotten out of hand and had spread all over the land, but they were failing. The fact that they hadn’t yet figured it out, could only mean that Nathalie wasn’t helping them. It could only mean that she had gone insane by now or… she was dead.

Erwin wasn’t looking for her. He wasn’t looking for her, but he hadn’t taken the ring off either. He was wearing it on his finger. He hadn’t taken it off at all. Now everybody knew that he and Nathalie had gotten married. Everybody knew that her husband wasn’t looking for her.

He just had so much to do. Marley was only a ferry away. They were going to visit in about a week. Onyankopon – the only man within the volunteers that Erwin had really come to trust – would take them to the embassy of the Hizuru in Marley. Erwin was going to negotiate with the Hizuru on ‘behalf of the Queen’.

He was going to ask whether they knew anything about the asylum where all the Burgesses were being held. She could have been there. She could have been alive. But she would have lost her mind so what was the point of finding her and bringing her back? She nearly killed Miche and his squad.

But Miche had scolded him many times already about why the hell wasn’t he searching for her? They had managed to restore his eye and all the injuries and missing limbs that Nathalie had caused them with the serum that she had made. There was no grudge to be held against her. She was unwell.

Erwin didn’t really trust the volunteers. Especially Yelena. There was something so wrong about her, all she did was lie. So, he was coming up with a Plan B as well. He was going to use all the knowledge they could get from the volunteers and then he was going to kick them off their island for good. He wasn’t going to let them stay for more than a few months.

It was up to him either way. The other two Commanders, the Queen and the Premier had literally let the entire leadership on his hands. Erwin deemed them completely incapable of anything. If he wasn’t there, then probably nothing would be happening right now. No progress, no caution, no action.

And he had no one to talk to about this. He had spent so many nights with Nathalie, talking to her about the things that he agreed with and the things that he didn’t when it came to the government of their now overthrown King. But now, Nathalie wasn’t there to listen to him while he went on and on about his plans, the false moves that his colleagues were making in this game. Politics was starting to look like a game, and it would only take brilliance for a player to make it through the next rounds.

Erwin never imagined himself to meddle with politics. No matter how much he hated it, it suited him, because there was so much evil, so much backstabbing, but he could see it coming from miles away.

A knock came on Erwin’s door and he let them in without taking his attention away from the paperwork. It was Moblit. He had a stack of papers in his arms, and he approached his desk.

“Delivering from Hange and Miche.”

“Thank you, Moblit. Leave them there.” Erwin said, still focused on his paperwork. There was something Moblit wanted to say but Erwin was hard at work at this hour. It was afternoon and he wouldn’t be finishing any time soon.

Moblit took out a folded paper from an inner pocket of his brown jacket and he placed it on the report that Erwin was working on, finally earning his attention. Erwin stopped writing for a moment, and he looked at the folded paper and then he looked up at Moblit awaiting an explanation.

Moblit pursed his lips. “Hange and Miche’s idea. The Section Commanders thought you might want to keep this.” He was a little hesitant, but he was gone before Erwin had the chance to say anything about it. Moblit closed the door behind, leaving Erwin alone once again.

Erwin took the paper in his hands, and he unfolded it to see what was written beneath. There was nothing to read. It was a sketch. He had heard of Moblit’s talented hand when it came to drawing faces. It was actually a pretty handy trait. Hange had used it in many missions especially when it came to finding people or hunting them down.

But this time, Hange had asked him to draw… her. She was so beautiful and Moblit had somehow conveyed that in the sketch. She had that smile on her lips. It was the smile that everybody adored. She was wearing her circular glasses. Her hair was messy just like he remembered them. She was beautiful.

And God, he missed her. He missed her so much it was painful because she was everywhere in his life. She was beside him in the mornings. She was tying his bolo tie and fixing up his shirt. She was sitting beside him whenever he did paperwork. She was on his lap in the afternoons when the two of them would have their tea and two slices of her delicious cakes. She was in his arms in the nights whenever he dragged himself to sleep, finding her beautiful body beneath their bedsheets. She was always there.

Always there to talk to him, listen to what he had to say. Letting him bury his face in her neck when he was too tired. Letting him hold her when he was brought to the farthest edges of despair and all he wanted to do was lose himself in her and ignore the world and his duties for just one moment. She was there to lift the burdens off his shoulders. She was there to kiss him, touch him, love him, hold him.

Until she wasn’t.

And he was doing nothing about it. He wasn’t searching for her. He wasn’t seeking her. He wasn’t even thinking about her. He told himself he had no time. He never had any time for her and now, with all the newly added burdens on his shoulders, he had this one as well. He burdened the guilt of hurting her, letting her go, not looking for her. It had been months. Still, nothing.

Even if he brought her back, what was the point? She had probably lost her mind by now. If she looked at him now, would she even recognise him? Would she even know that she’d be looking at her husband, the man she loved? His little Nathalie was gone. It would only hurt even more if he brought her back.

What’s the point of having hope? Hange said they’d fix her if they brought her back. Hange said they’d even open up her skull to try something – anything. He didn’t want to watch anything like that happen to her.

Maybe she was better off if she stayed there, in an asylum, while he stayed here to fight and fix this mess. Maybe they were both better off without each other. He knew that. He had convinced himself that that was a fact. But that didn’t mean that he didn’t want her there. He needed her there.

Erwin traced her cheek on the picture with his fingers. Her skin was always so warm and tender beneath his fingertips. Her smile was so precious. Would he find her sleeping on his bed if he stood up now and walked to his bedroom? Sometimes he tried to convince himself that it was all just a bad dream. Just a nightmare that he was going to wake up from and he’d find her beside him when he’d do.

But no nightmare lasts for months.

His fingers fisted around the paper, wrinkling it slightly on one side. He looked at the ring that he was still wearing. Maybe he would wear it forever. He could never love anyone else as much as he loved her. No one else could be the exception. He had promised to himself to never fall, to never marry, to never have a family and a wife to love and hold. But when she came around, he told himself she was the exception.

There were no other exceptions in this world.

Maybe he was going to keep that picture. Her face would never fade from his memory, but he had kept everything that reminded him of her. Her letters, her notebooks, her books. She loved books so much she had so many of them and they were still crowding his bookshelves, his office. He had started reading them. Most were on biology, and he couldn’t really understand much, but they made him feel closer to her, so he read them whenever he had the time.

Erwin folded the paper, to hide her face from his sight, because he was going to break if he kept staring at it and it was unacceptable of him to yield.

“I’m so sorry… please, don’t look for me… please forget me, I beg of you… please…” that was the last thing she had ever told him. He was half conscious when she said it. It was before they took her. It was before they tried to shoot him. He had heard her scream after that, begging them not to kill him.

All he remembered was a gunshot after this. He had replayed that night in his mind so many times. He had tried to figure out how things could have happened differently so that she’d be here now. But there was no point in thinking about what could have happened.

Here he was now, having wasted about an hour on this. He could have finished a pile of papers in that hour. He could have done considerable job in that hour. Instead, he just stood there, lamenting over a sketch. He achieved nothing in that hour. He got furious with himself.

Erwin stood up and he took the paper with him. He made his way to Hange’s office and he walked in unannounced. She was sitting on her desk, working on her own paperwork and Erwin tossed the sketch on her desk.

“Why?” It was the only thing he said. Honestly, Erwin right now hadn’t really thought it through, what to say, what to do. He was simply pissed, and he had no idea why.

Hange looked at the sketch and then she looked up at him. He was angry. His fists were clenched to his sides. She smirked though. “You’re a smart man, Commander, I’m pretty sure you already know why.”

“I don’t have time for this. I have work to do.” Erwin said and he turned to leave, leaving the paper there on her desk and Hange frowned deeply as she watched him.

“You never really had time for her.” Hange spoke, making him stop from making a step further. “Maybe Eren was right. Maybe you just didn’t love her enough-”

“Shut up, Hange.” Erwin growled. They had no idea how he felt. They had no idea how much it was killing him each day that passed, and she wasn’t there. He turned and looked at her. “You have no right to tell me what I feel and what I don’t.”

“Maybe you’re right… but I, Erwin …I can’t take it anymore.”

Hange’s strong glare wavered entirely. She reached for the daily newspaper that Moblit had bought in the morning, and she brought it up to read the headline.

“Dr Hange Zoe and Dr Moblit Berner – the Saviours of the Eldian Race.” Hange read the headline before placing the newspaper aside. Hange looked down at her paperwork blankly. “It’s her they should be talking about. Not me. Not Moblit. Her. Our teams are mass-producing those syringes based on her research, her notebooks, her instructions.” Hange looked up at Erwin. “I can’t pretend to be someone I am not. I can’t take the credit when it belongs to someone else, I’m sorry.”

He knew it bothered her. It bothered them both. Nathalie had just been forgotten by everyone and he was the one who had made sure of it.

“Hange, you understand why we must do this, don’t you?” Erwin reminded her.

They had to convince Marley that Nathalie was useless to them – that she couldn’t make the vaccine that Marley was going to use to save the world and rid it of the titans that were roaming around the globe. Marley could not save the world. Paradis could. Hange could. Hange was the one who had done the research and Hange was the person that the entire world was going to ask for help. If the world needed Paradis, they wouldn’t destroy it.

Hange sighed. “I know.”

“Nathalie would have never cared whether they spoke her name or not. She never cared about fame. Besides…” he chuckled “…knowing her, she would most probably be scared of fame than actually overjoyed.”

Nathalie was different. She wouldn’t want to walk around the streets and being recognised by the people and being asked to talk in public speeches or give debriefings in the large halls of Military gatherings. She would have hated this. She always hated attention. The only attention she ever wanted was his. His smile faded.

She had given him everything, but he couldn’t even tell her he loved her.

Erwin turned around to leave. He wanted to go back to his office to continue his grieving and drown himself in work to forget about it, but Hange stopped him. She stood up and approached him and took his hand in her own. She placed the piece of paper on his open palm, pulling his fingers closed around it.

“Keep it.” Hange’s eyes met his own. “It’ll be your reminder that your wife is out there, waiting for you to find her …and bring her home.”

Notes:

not one of my best sketches but i just did it real quick eheheheheh ty for reading pls comment

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

next chap is basically zeke x nat fluff y'all uwu

he's gonna taken her out to town for an entire day uwuwuwuwuwuwu

Chapter 84: Moving On

Notes:

So I composed a lullaby for Eddie - Eddie's Lullaby.mp3 which started as a lullaby but it ended up being an a hundred-member orchestral epic piece LMFAO

it's the best orchestral thing I've composed so far, so have a listen, lemme know what you think!

Three Months Later

Crying. But it wasn’t her crying, thankfully. Nathalie’s eyes opened wide, and she turned and looked at her baby that was lying beside her. They were sharing her bed. There were no cribs. The asylum was no place for children. So, they shared her bed for now. It was big enough for them both. She always made sure he slept on the side facing the wall and she shielded him with her body so that he wouldn’t fall off during his sleep.

And even though this was one of the many times that he had interrupted her sleep, Nathalie smiled and pulled him in her arms. She stood up and cradled him with gentle movements to calm him down.

“Ssh ssh, it’s alright, my darling, my sweet boy.” Nathalie pressed a kiss on his forehead and his crying quieted down slightly.

She kissed away his little tears and she smiled down at him. He hadn’t yet said a single word, but he was making her so happy. It was so easy to ignore and fight off her insanity when she knew she had to keep it together to be there for him. Maybe he was going to save her from her defective mind, from the voices that they were so easy to ignore right now.

Nathalie sat down by that armchair that faced the window. The sky was still dark. It must have been very late in the night – or early in the morning, but it was beautiful. The stars were on full view. That asylum must have been located way outside the city. It would explain why the sky was so clear, and the entire place was surrounded by mountains, and hills, and greenery. It was peaceful. A peaceful location meant to treat the troubled minds of the insane.

That asylum had been built from the Burgesses themselves – or so she had heard. When they figured out they were going insane, they built this place in record time with their technology.

Nathalie lit up the lamp that stood by her table, bringing some light before she reached down, pressing another kiss on his little forehead to soothe him, but it didn’t really work. She grinned.

“Hungry?” Nathalie giggled before she pulled out her breast from the flexy fabric of her nightgown and started feeding him. She smiled as she watched him. He looked up at her with those bright blue eyes, almost as big as his entire face. The traces of blonde hair on his little head were messy, and she settled them flat slightly. The more she looked at him, the more he reminded her of her Erwin.

Tears ran down her cheeks before she knew it. Nathalie found it hard to breathe. It was in times like this when she’d cry. It was at those very late hours in the night when she’d feel all the loneliness creep up on her and all she’d think about was the things she had said and done with him.

Her sweet husband. The man she loved so dearly, he was dead, and he had left her back with their child. The most beautiful little boy that she had ever laid eyes upon. She wished Erwin was there to see him. He would have loved him. He had said so many times that he wanted to have a son. And now that they had him, he wasn’t there to see it.

Nathalie was mourning once more. It had been about a year. She had mourned for him every single night like this.

Erwin held her tight, and he buried his face in her hair, shutting his eyes. “My sweet girl,” He pressed kisses on her forehead. “I’m here for you… I’m here for you, my gorgeous little angel,” He kissed her cheeks, her eyelashes, her temple. His arm tightened around her thin waist.

A small sob escaped her throat and as if Eddie sensed that his mom was sad, he stopped sucking and he started crying too. Nathalie’s eyes widened and she cupped his cheeks, wiping away his ears.

“No, no, no, no! I’m sorry!” Nathalie wept. Uncontrollable tears streamed down her own cheeks. “I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry, my baby… my sweet little baby…” she wiped her eyes hastily and she brought him up, smiling at him brightly. “…mommy’s okay. Mommy’s happy…” she forced a smile. She kissed his salty cheeks and she cradled him again. “…see? Mommy’s so very happy, because she has you…” he calmed down again and she kept smiling even though she barely had the energy to do so. She held him tightly and let him nuzzle his little face in her neck, her chest. “I love you so much, my sweet baby… and I’m so certain that daddy would’ve loved you so much too.”

What was she doing? She had to keep it together. How was she hoping to raise him if she was a mess like this? All she did was smile in the mornings, and cry in the nights. But she couldn’t help it. She just loved Erwin so much. She had loved Erwin so much for so long. She had spent her entire life beside him. But now he was gone, and she had to learn to live with that.

She shouldn’t be ungrateful. She had her son. She had this precious little angel in her arms. He was her reason to live. To fight off her disease, the voices inside her mind. He was her reason to smile. Sure, Erwin had left – but he hadn’t left her alone.

He would never leave her alone.

Just before she had the chance to start crying again, she reminded herself that she had to keep it together. She had to be strong – not for herself, but for her baby. Her sweet baby that she loved so much, she’d do anything for him. She would bury her pain, her sorrow, and she was going to focus on being happy. For him.

Nathalie sucked in a deep breath, and she pulled back to look at his bright blue eyes. She smiled at him sweetly and she pecked his little nose making him giggle. Her smile grew at the sweet sound. 

“You won’t ever see mommy cry again. That’s a promise,” she said with heavy eyelashes and shiny blue eyes.

But those new tears, she never let them fall.

༻◊۞◊༺

Four Months Later

She always smiled so much when she’d see him. Zeke had been drawing some kind of odd happiness whenever he saw her smile. He tried to visit as often as he could. Today he brought her a gift. It wasn’t much really. He had merely taken the permission to take her to town. She had shown a good behaviour the past few months, and he was a Warrior. Whatever happened, he could restrain her if she lost control.

This time, he found her sitting by a tree in the large valley that surrounded the asylum. Only the well-behaved were allowed outside and she had tried her best. Her baby was tucked in a basket beside her while she sat on the soft grass. Her back rested against the tree trunk, and she had a brown leathered book in her arms, reading peacefully.

Her glasses rested at the tip of her nose and little Eddie was staring curiously at the bright green leaves of the old tree that hang above him and lent them both its shade from the morning sun. The breeze was warm. It was Spring now. The chirping of birds and the smell of flowers blooming reached his senses. This place was certainly better than the city, but he was certain she’d love to leave this place even for just a few hours.

Zeke recognised the book she was reading. “Timothy Burgess’s theory on Parallel Universes will forever be my most favourite scientific book.” Zeke’s voice came, finally snapping her out of it and her eyes widened.

“You’re here!” Nathalie placed the book aside and she jumped up on her feet before she pulled him into the tightest hug.

Zeke chuckled, wrapping his arms around her, burying his face in her shoulder. He picked her up slightly, spinning her around, listening to her laughter. He let her back down on her feet gently and he pulled back to look at her. At that bright smile on her face. Her bright blue eyes.

“You’re always so happy to see me.” Zeke cupped her face, tucking her hair behind her ear with a gentle move. Her cheeks grew a bright red and she pulled away from him immediately.

“Of course, I am! You’re the only sane person here!” Nathalie said to her defence. What was wrong with her? She was a widow! She couldn’t let herself blush over some other man. There had only been one man to have a hold of her heart, and since that man was now gone, she deemed it unethical to fall into some other man’s arms.

Zeke laughed at her comment before he turned and glanced at the basket.

“Oh!” Nathalie rushed to her son, picking him up in her arms and bringing him to Zeke. She smiled at her little baby boy who was now sucking on his thumb, staring at Zeke curiously. She took his little hand and tried to imitate a wave with it. “Say hi to Uncle Zeke.”

“Whoah, slow down with the uncle stuff.” Zeke chuckled. “I may be looking older than you but I’m actually younger.”

Nathalie pressed a kiss on Eddie’s cheek. “I never really understood why people don’t want to be called old.” She grinned and looked at Zeke. “Older means wiser.”

“It also means ugly and withered.”

“Well, I don’t think you’re ugly at all.” Nathalie shrugged. “Do you want to hold him?”

Zeke was still hesitant about this. “N- Nah, I- I haven’t done this in a while, a- and what if I-”

“Here.” Nathalie ignored his stuttering and handed him the little fragile creature anyway.

“W- Wait, Nat, I-!” Zeke panicked. He was doing it wrong, wasn’t he?! Eddie was about to start crying.

“Just support his head…” Nathalie rearranged his arms around her baby, letting his little head rest on his forearm and Zeke finally seemed to get the hang of it again. Eddie did not cry, instead he stared up at Zeke with those bright blue eyes, curiously.

Eddie’s little hands reached for Zeke’s beard, and he giggled cutely. The rough hairs must’ve tickled his little palms. He giggled again and Zeke found himself smiling uncontrollably.

“You like my beard?” Zeke leaned closer for him to explore his face with his little hands. That until little Eddie pulled on his beard and Zeke let out a wince “Ouch!” only for the baby to start laughing even louder. Zeke chuckled. How the hell could such a small creature make him so happy?

Maybe Nathalie was right. Children were not a misfortune. They were beautiful. Every time he visited her, he just kept making good memories. Maybe that’s why he couldn’t stop visiting her – visiting them both.

“He’s a really curious one.” Nathalie smiled proudly.

“Well, he is a Burgess, after all,” Zeke pulled back to look at her. “He’ll probably start talking fluently in just a few more months… provided he’s a Burgess.”

She cupped her baby’s fluffy cheek and she smiled at his bright blue eyes that were the exact same colour as his father’s. “He looks more like a Smith to me.” She attempted to smile, but her smile faded fast enough. Sorrow coloured her voice.

Her eyes got damp and shiny from new tears that she didn’t let drop. Zeke looked at her as her attention settled to blankly on the grass beneath their feet. She loved him, didn’t she? She loved Erwin Smith more than anything. And she had lost him. She thought Erwin was dead. Maybe that’s why she wasn’t trying to run to go back home. There was nothing really left for her back home.

Should he tell her? Should he tell her that they had actually confirmed that Erwin Smith was alive? The report came in today. But that only meant that he had been alive for the entire year now. It meant he had wasted the entire year without a single attempt at looking for her.

If Nathalie was his wife, then Zeke would have never let her go no matter what. But it seemed that this man had no intention of looking for her. Would it be okay if she knew that her husband was alive, but he was getting on with his life without seeking her? No, that would hurt her more.

But that was just an excuse Zeke made for himself. He never planned to tell her Erwin was alive. He had known from the start, but he’d never tell her because she’d run back to him. She would run back to her husband – the man that she loved, and what about Zeke? Zeke wouldn’t stand a chance if that happened.

No, now he had to help her forget all about her ‘dead’ husband. Now he had to be all she ever thought about. Zeke never had someone to trust as much as he trusted her. He had been alone ever since Mr Ksaver died. But now, after all this time, with her, he could be himself. He didn’t have to wear that stupid little smile that pissed everyone off. That smile was the perfect mask to hide everything he felt.

Nathalie was making him feel so much… different. Better.

“Hey…” Zeke cupped her cheek, snapping her out of it, urging her to look at him with her shiny blue eyes. He grinned, trying to cheer her up “…I brought you something.”

Zeke held little Eddie with one arm against him and the other reached for the pocket of his pants. He pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to her. She opened it up and she read it hastily.

“That’s a… permit of some sort.” Nathalie stated the obvious.

“That’s right. That’s a permit for me to take you out to town for six hours.”

Her eyes widened and she looked up at him surprised. “W- Wait, that’s possible?!”

“Well… I pulled a few strings and made it possible.”

“Aw, Zeke!” Nathalie couldn’t believe this. ‘I pulled a few strings and made it possible.’ She cupped his face with both her hands. “I hope you didn’t get into trouble because of me!”

“Relax.”

He calmed her down with a smile and she giggled so sweetly. His smile faded entirely when he felt her tender lips pressing a soft kiss on his rough cheek. He had no idea why the hell his heart was beating so hard at such a simple gesture. He had done so many things with so many women. Marleyan and Eldian women couldn’t miss the chance to sleep with a Warrior. A simple peck on his cheek shouldn’t be that big of a deal.

She didn’t notice it, though. Nathalie pulled Edward back in her arms and she pressed a kiss on his little forehead while his little palms reached for her nose. She smiled brightly down at her baby boy, pressing kisses on his little palms before looking back up at Zeke.

“I’d love to, Zeke. And I’m grateful. But I can’t leave Eddie alone.”

Zeke finally snapped out of it. “Sure, you can. The nurses will look after him.”

She knew they could handle it, and she trusted them, but she was still hesitant about it. “B- But I… I haven’t left his side at all for so many months now…”

He noticed her hesitation and he smiled at her. “Alright, then. I will take you out some other day-” he tucked the paper back in his pants, but she cut him.

“No! I- It’s fine, I just…” Nathalie looked at the asylum that stood behind him. It was a large white building. She had the chance to leave that place even for just a little while. She sighed “…the more I stay in this place, the more I’m drifting towards insanity.” She looked down at her baby who was starting to fall asleep. She smiled again upon seeing his little face. “Give me a moment to feed him and tuck him to sleep before we go out.” She looked up at Zeke.

He nodded. “Take all the time you need.”

She didn’t take too long. Nathalie changed her clothes as well. She didn’t have anything great to put on, but she put on something that at least wouldn’t show that she was a madwoman who had just come out of an asylum. Her simple attire. A black, ankle-length skirt, and a white shirt. Plain, but so beautiful on her. She hadn’t looked at herself in the mirror for so long now. She wouldn’t dare to.

Maybe she’d rely on Zeke this time to let her know if her hair wasn’t too messy.

He was waiting for her by the doorstep. He had his hands tucked at the pockets of his pants and his car was parked nearby the entrance of the asylum. He was staring at the road – there was just one road leading Marley and being a Chief earned Marley’s trust enough to actually let him drive a car there and find this place’s location.

He was still wearing his Marleyan uniform – like he always did when he visited her. With his armband and those circular glasses that once belonged to her uncle. She had seen them in her mother’s memories, since her mom was Mr Ksaver’s younger sister.

Zeke was finishing smoking a cigarette when he turned and looked at her. Smoke flew out of his lips, being carried away by the warm breeze of spring. The sun finally settled on the beautiful features of her face as she walked out of the shadows of the building.

He had seen her in that skirt before. It was the day he had found her in that cemetery mourning her parents. It was the day he had first killed for her. The Military Police was looking for her and he was tasked with keeping her safe, and that’s exactly what he did. He would do it all over again.

She tucked her hair behind her ear, and she bit her lip. “Are my hair looking, okay?” He looked at her confusedly when she made that question. “I- I just… I haven’t looked at a mirror in… such a long time because all I see are-”

“Monsters.” He finished for her, and she looked up at him at last, chewing on the inside of her cheek. “I see a monster too when I look at the mirror.” Zeke admitted in a far more silent voice, and he couldn’t believe he had just allowed himself to say that out loud. But it was true. With all the things he had done. All the people he had killed. All those lives that he had ruined – just because Marley ordered him so.

He had hoped to atone by going through the Euthanisation Plan, but then Nathalie came into his life. Nathalie came and showed him that… though horrible, life had a few things worth living for. His childhood with Mr Ksaver was precious. His relationship now with Nathalie and little Eddie… that was precious as well.

He had no right to take away from someone the right to live.

It had taken him so long to realise this. Zeke had to talk to Yelena and the others. He had to call the plan off. He was putting an end to his entire life’s work – yes, it was hard. It would be so much easier if Nathalie had left him blind to the truth, but he was grateful that she hadn’t.

She had changed his entire life in just a few days, and she had no idea.

“Zeke,” Nathalie cupped his cheeks with both her hands, looking up at him, making sure he turned his attention back on her. “You just do what you must to survive.”

Goodness, her fingers were so tender on his face. He had to close his eyes to revel in it even for just a second. He gathered his composure soon enough though. He pulled out that annoying little smirk and he pulled away from her touch.

“C’mon.” He walked downstairs and towards his car. “You haven’t been in a car before, have you?” He asked, opening the door for her to walk in. “You might get a little nauseous.”

She giggled. “Alright. I will try not to throw up in your car then.”

His car was roofless. It was nice to feel the air dragging all over her body. The road looked long, a straight line that led towards the city. He locked on one velocity before he threw his one arm around the back of her seat that was connected to his own.

Without thinking, she rested her head on his shoulder and shifted closer to his side. She nuzzled her nose in his neck and her hair brushed his cheekbone with every strong blast of air. He looked down at her for a small moment. She was so precious right there, on his shoulder, face in his neck. His hand let go of the seats and wrapped around her waist instead, holding her close.

Even though, she could be looking at the greenery they passed through, Nathalie closed her eyes instead. She always hated closing her eyes ever since her mental health worsened. She was so scared to close them, but now, she felt safe right there. His arm was warm around her thin waist, holding onto her tightly. There were no demons chasing after her. No voices inside her mind. No shadows behind her eyelids.

He’d keep her safe, wouldn’t he? It was what Erwin always did without realising. He kept her distracted. He kept her sane. He made her feel safe in his arms even when he was missing one and he couldn’t fight. She didn’t need him to fight anything or anyone. She just needed him to be there. That’s all she ever asked of him. Just be there.

Now he was gone, and she had been so alone and terrified to raise a child on her own in her current state. But Zeke was here. She could rely on him, couldn’t she? He didn’t seem to want to push her away.

Please, don’t push me away, not like Erwin always did. She nuzzled deeper into him on that thought.

They exchanged no other words. They didn’t really have to.

Honestly I drew this scene but I never got to finish it but here's the rough sketch, once I colour it I'll replace it in the chap

LMAO I KNOW IT'S TERRIBLE but that's all I got for now ahhahahaha ALSO GargaMela21 MADE THIS AWESOME FANART OF NAT AND IM LOSING IT NJERHIU2JJ LOOK AT THAT TALENT and she said she did it like 30 minutes???? WTF ILYSM THANK U FOR EXISTING, and like this is TOTALLY WHAT NAT LOOKS LIKE, Y'ALL I love the old realistic portrait type of art style and that's the artstyle im trying to learn BUT BESTIE HERE GOT IT PERFECTLY

Notes:

(the rivetra anon's probably waiting for the rivetra sideplot chaps we talked about but i've written 1 and a half chapters and they're supposed to turn out three SO THANK YOU FOR WAITING i will finish them soon)

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

Was he seeing right? Was that… Erwin Smith? There was another man beside him too, but Zeke did not recognise him. They certainly shouldn’t recognise him either. Zeke pulled the newspaper up, hiding his face behind it and he pretended to read it, but his stomach clenched.

Nathalie could come out any moment now and see him there. She would see that her husband was alive, and he was right there. She would break down. She would see him being alive. He had been alive for a year, but it didn’t look like he was there to look for her.

lmao yes im just teasing u in the next chap AHAHAHAH

Chapter 85: Marley

Notes:

idk if it's edited, can't remember whether i edited it or not dnjrekjrnbhb

long, 4k word chap, pls enjoy and COMMENT

“I can’t believe this was your first ever time tasting ice cream, but you didn’t even finish it.”

Nathalie chuckled and her cheeks grew a bright red. “I… well, I haven’t been able to eat too much the past couple of weeks.”

He had her arm wrapped around his own while the two of them walked down the busy street. There were lots of people going about their day. The stores were selling clothes, sweets, shoes, food, ice cream. Cars were passing by the street every now and then and young mothers with their kids and old women with their grandchildren were all around the sidewalks. The men were working at this hour, so, mostly old men were out, having a coffee with some friends.

“Anorexia.” Zeke sighed and he paused their walking for a moment, turning to look at her. She never ate when she was stressed or sad or pressured. “You miss him.”

Nathalie’s smile faded momentarily as she looked down at her fingers, messing with the fabric of her skirt, but her smile returned when she looked back up at him. “Is that too obvious?”

“You’ve been quiet for about an hour.” He pointed out. He took her elbows in his hands. “I know he played a big part in your life… the biggest maybe. But you need to forget about everything you’ve lost and instead focus on what you have.”

He was right. He was absolutely right. Nathalie had to let go. But it was not easy to let go of the man she had devoted her entire life to. It wasn’t easy to forget the man that she had loved so much. The man she had done everything for. A single look at their son was enough to remind her of him. It was enough to remind her that she once had a husband. A husband that she loved dearly.

Nathalie nodded with that bitter smile that she was forcing on her lips and he had begun to recognise. He noticed those tears gathering in her shiny blue eyes, but she wasn’t letting them come down.

Zeke cupped her cheek “Let those tears drop, sweetheart. Burying your grief is not the answer.”

He was right about that too. He was a man who had had so much to grieve for, but he never really grieved. Acceptance was the one thing he knew best. Acceptance and moving on. He always had a goal in mind, keeping him sane no matter what and who he lost and no matter what he did and all those people that he had so coldly murdered just because Marley had ordered him to. He was forced to obey Marley’s orders whilst he hated Marley with his entire being.

But his and Mr Ksaver’s plan was all that kept him sane. Now, that Nathalie had trampled all over his entire life’s work, he did not feel rage. He did not hate her. He did not feel like he was losing his sanity either. He had another goal. A much nobler, saner goal that he didn’t even know what it was. He was still trying to figure it out, but it involved her. It involved Nathalie somehow. He had no idea what he wanted with her. He just wanted to be there to make sure she and her son were safe because they were both so very precious.

They had both taught him what was right and what was wrong.

He simply couldn’t erase someone’s right to live – even if they were an Eldian bound to live a hellish life. If Nathalie’s vaccine truly worked – and he was certain that it did – then he didn’t have to deny happiness to so many people. It had been so ungrateful and selfish of him to forget everything good that had happened in his life. It wasn’t much but he had been relying on a select few good memories more than he had realised.

What wouldn’t he do to play catch with Mr Ksaver one last time?

But now, he was relying on her. On his visits to her. How brightly she was smiling every time he visited her. No one was ever really that happy to see him. How she buried her face in his neck on their way there and he held her.

New precious memories to hold onto. One more person to cherish.

Her tears spilled warm and salty on her cheeks and her pretty face twisted in sadness and pain. Pure emotional pain, while she looked away from him in shame. How much it hurt him to see her like this. His goal for now was to make her happy. It was that smile that he adored on her lips. That’s all he wanted right now.

He brushed his rough thumb across her cheek, wiping away the tears and the damp trails that they had left on her soft skin. “You’re not alone anymore. Understand?” Zeke asked. He had to make that clear.

She giggled and wiped the dampness from her eyelashes with her hand. “Neither are you.” She rested her hands on his chest and took a step closer to him. “I know what happened to you when you were little. Your father told me.” She cupped his cheek. “You must have been so alone when my uncle died. You must have been so alone for all these years.”

She could hardly imagine how that might have felt like. She always told herself she knew and dealt with loneliness quite well, but she didn’t really. She couldn’t deal with loneliness. She hated it. Maybe that’s why she had worshipped Erwin with her entire being, because when he came into her life, he never left her alone. He was always there.

But for Zeke – spending all those years, pretending to follow Marley, obeying orders he never really wanted to execute. How much did he hate himself for killing all those children during the battle in Shiganshina? She couldn’t imagine how it must have felt like – not wanting to do something but being forced to do it anyway. That was one of the worst things to happen to someone. And then, having to kill himself that one person that ever stood by him. Having to devour Mr Ksaver – a man who was more than a friend, a father figure, a parent – the only one he ever had. The only man who could understand the plan that Zeke had dedicated his life into.

And now, he was there for her when he had absolutely no reason to be.

“You’re here for me. Allow me to be here for you too…” which was a very, very stupid offer. She looked down shamefully, at her fingers that gripped his shirt “…there’s not much that I can do since I… well… I’m a Burgess and I’m losing my mind, but I’ll figure something out, I promise, I won’t-”

“Smile, Nat,” he said simply, cutting her midsentence but that was something that she did not expect to come. She looked at him in surprise while he stroked her cheek with the back of his fingers. “That’s all you have to do.”

A smile spread immediately on her lips. That was it. That was the smile he adored. “Alright.”

That until she realised how close they were. Her hands on his chest, one arm of his own wrapped around her waist, pressing her lower body against his own, and his one hand on her cheek. Him, staring down at her in adoration whilst she looked up at him with those eyes. She could feel his breath on her lips. It smelled of cigarettes and something of his.

This was wrong. This was so wrong. Her husband was dead. Her Erwin – her beloved Erwin had died, and it had only been a year. She couldn’t fall again. She’d never fall again for any man. Her heart was merely broken pieces and most of them were lost when Erwin died. There wasn’t much of it left. She should reserve it for her sweet babyboy who was now sound asleep. Zeke would die in a few years because he carried a titan.

She couldn’t lose another man.

Nathalie took a step away from him and he untangled his arms from around her. She shouldn’t rely on him too much. She was going to lose him just like Erwin and she didn’t know if she could handle that for a second time.

No, she should simply honour her husband and never fall in love again. She always told herself, her love for Erwin was the most powerful, most special feeling she’d ever felt. But he was gone, and she was barely thirty years old. He had widowed her so young. Still, Nathalie smiled at Zeke, shaking those overly pessimistic thoughts away, and she wrapped her arms behind her back.

“So? Where are you going to take me now?”

“How about you finally visit the bakery I’ve bringing you all those cakes from?”

“Oh my! Yes! Take me there!” Nathalie grabbed his hand tugging on it. Her eyes wide in excitement and he laughed starting to walk again.

༻◊۞◊༺

“Ugh! I knew we shouldn’t have brought those kids with us.” Miche groaned, fixing the fedora hat that just wouldn’t stand still on his head. It was too small, and a small breeze was enough to push it off his head every single time.

“Those kids got more experience that any squad in the Survey Corps right now.” Nanaba reminded him. She hated that damn dress that she was wearing. She had never worn a single dress in her life.

“Erwin’s going to fucking kill us.” Miche grabbed his hat for the millionth time, keeping it pressed on top of his head.

“That he’ll do.”

“Oh, shit, they’re coming, act normal!”

Miche and his squad were in Marley, outside the Hizuru Embassy. There were a few more things for Erwin, Armin, and Lady Azumabito to discuss. Erwin had practically made Armin his right-hand man. The boy had so much potential there was no way Erwin wouldn’t put his brilliant mind to use. So, for every single meeting and negotiation and conference that Erwin had to attend, Armin was always with him.

Armin would make an incredible Commander one day.

Erwin’s and Armin’s voices grew louder the closer they approached Miche and the others, who were all trying to be as discreet as possible as they waited outside the embassy by the sidewalk.

“Everything alright?” Miche asked Erwin and Armin as the two finally approached them.

Erwin nodded. “We signed a few more agreements. I’ll brief everyone about it in the meeting in the Capital tomorrow.”

Miche nodded. “Alright.”

“Wait, where’s… Sasha and Connie?” Armin asked, looking around and Miche cringed.

Miche turned and looked at Nanaba who was trying to pretend she hadn’t heard the question. He then turned and looked at Gelgar and Tomas and Henning and Lynne. They were trying to evade facing Erwin’s wrath. Miche sighed heavily.

Some help you guys are.

“They uh…” fuck this, Miche took off that annoying hat. He had no idea why he was supposed to wear it in the first place. He scratched his head “…we …kinda lost them…”

Erwin’s eyes widened. “YOU DID WHAT?!”

Erwin took in a deep breath. He had to keep his calm. Lately he had been snapping in frustration more than he ever did in his life. He was always so composed and capable of keeping his calm in the wildest of situations. But now? Now everything got on his nerves, and everybody seemed to pick up on that change on his tolerance. Only Miche didn’t mind delivering him bad news because Miche wasn’t really scared of Erwin’s wrath, but everyone else was, so, everybody went to Miche when they had something unpleasant to report to the Commander.

Erwin pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration, and he shut his tired eyes. “We look for them. RIGHT NOW!”

“Yes, sir!”

༻◊۞◊༺

“Zeke! This is so good!”

He laughed and tried to focus on reading the newspaper he’d picked up on their way there. Nathalie was sitting on the opposite side of the booth, facing him while she stuffed her face with the cakes he had just paid for.

Zeke took his eyes from the contents of the newspaper, and he looked at that half-finished cake that she hadn’t touched in a while. “I’m not seeing you finishing that though.”

She sighed. Her stomach didn’t seem to want to fit anything else today. She had half an ice cream, and half of that slice of cake. That was too much already, and her stomach churned at the thought of adding anything else in it for today.

“Well… I told you, my stomach has been uneasy,” Nathalie looked down shamefully, but he caught her chin urging her to look back up at him.

“And that’s alright.” He let go of her chin and he pulled the newspaper aside. “I’ll finish it for you.” Zeke pulled the dish in front of him, and he used her fork to take a bite.

“W- Wait, y- you don’t mind using my fork?” Nathalie caught his hand to stop him from bringing the fork to his mouth.

He looked at her for a moment, arching an eyebrow. “Why should I?”

Her cheeks grew a bright red right away and she giggled letting go of his hand. “Alright.”

Zeke took a pinch of that fluffy cake in his mouth, dragging what remained of her taste on the fork with his lips. She was so adorable when she blushed and giggled. A small smile spread on his lips as he pinched another bite of cake with the fork and then he brought it to her lips.

Without objection and any more protests from her stomach, Nathalie parted her pretty lips and drew the cake in her mouth. Her cheeks grew an even brighter shade of red.

“How’s your stomach now?”

“No longer protesting all that much.”

He gathered another pinch of cake on the fork, and he looked at her. “Are you going to take another one for me?”

Nathalie bit her lip for a moment before she nodded and parted her lips for him to feed her another bite.

“That’s a good girl.”

With just a few more bites she managed to finish that fake. She had no idea how her stomach stopped churning when he fed her, but it felt… nice. They talked some more, he tried to make her laugh with a few crappy jokes that actually worked on her. He couldn’t remember the last time he had made someone laugh.

Nathalie stood up. “I’m going to the lady’s room for a moment. I’ll be right back.”

Zeke nodded. “I’ll be right here.”

He watched her as she got out of sight at the back of the shop, and he picked his newspaper back up to resume reading. It didn’t take too long before the bell on the entrance of the bakery rang signalling the presence of new customers coming in. He looked up and his eyes widened.

Was he seeing right? Was that… Erwin Smith? There was another man beside him too, but Zeke did not recognise him. They certainly shouldn’t recognise him either. Zeke pulled the newspaper up, hiding his face behind it and he pretended to read it, but his stomach clenched.

Nathalie could come out any moment now and see him there. She would see that her husband was alive, and he was right there. She would break down. She would see him being alive. He had been alive for a year, but it didn’t look like he was there to look for her.

He had forgotten all about her, hadn’t he? He had abandoned her. It had been a year and he had abandoned her. Zeke listened to what they were saying. It was him speaking.

While Erwin asked around for Sasha and Connie, Miche looked around the place. Within the aroma of dough and chocolate and sweets and fresh cookies, there was something else. Miche’s nose twitched as he sniffed, and he turned and looked around the place. He caught a familiar scent.

The scent of someone familiar. Nathalie? What would Nathalie do here? They had intel the Burgesses were in an asylum, but nobody knew where that was. There weren’t many customers around. It was just one sitting at a booth reading a newspaper and Miche doubted that guy smelled like Nathalie.

Maybe for once his nose was beginning to fail him. He let Erwin do all the talking when he started sniffing again, trying to get where the scent was taking him. He realised he was approaching the man sitting in the booth who didn’t seem to have noticed him at all.

Miche frowned. Strange. There was no way the man hadn’t noticed him. No one’s ever really that focused on a newspaper that was so thoroughly hiding his face.

Before Miche had the chance to talk to the man and ask about Nathalie being there, Erwin talked from behind. “Miche. Let’s go. I think I know where they are.”

Miche sighed. Maybe he was being paranoid. It didn’t make sense for Nathalie to be there. Nathalie will have lost her mind about now. She’d be in the asylum where all the Burgesses were being held and no one really knew of its location – or that’s at least what Lady Azumabito had told them.

“Right, let’s go,” Miche followed Erwin out of the shop giving a nod at the owner.

Zeke let out a breath he’d been holding the entire time. What was he so worked up about? He’d done so many dangerous stuff – there was nothing really dangerous about them, seeing her here and she, seeing him. But wouldn’t it hurt her to find out that he was alive, and he wasn’t looking for her? Instead, he was looking for some kids?

No, Nathalie deserved better than that, and he could give her better. So much better. Part of him was indeed terrified that Erwin would take her from him. Nathalie just kept him sane and happy, and Zeke never really had anyone to do that. He had lost everyone. He wouldn’t lose her. Maybe she wasn’t his from the start. But maybe she could be his now.

All he wanted was to make her happy. If he told her her husband was alive but had forgotten all about her, then she’d never be willing to finish a full meal like he had helped her do today. Erwin made a mess of her. It was best that he kept her away from a man who made her so very sad.

Was he doing the right thing?

Zeke didn’t get to think of an answer to that question when he watched her approach him. He gave her a smile and he pulled the newspaper down. He stood up and left a few coins on the table.

“Where to now?” Nathalie asked.

“I was thinking you need to get some clothes.” Zeke suggested.

Nathalie’s eyes widened. “No, no, no! I don’t want you to spend any more money than you already have! Besides… I don’t have anywhere to go so I don’t need any fancy clothing.”

“Don’t worry about my purse. I’m getting paid more than I can spend.” He was a War Chief after all and being also a Warrior was earning him a good portion of money enough to help his grandparents. “Besides, little Eddie needs some clothes too.”

That was true. Nathalie had tried to sew clothes that fit his size, but he’d start to grow soon and who knows when the next time would be when she’d be back in town?

Nathalie nodded. “Alright, but just for Eddie. I don’t need anything right now, darling.” She wrapped her arm around his own while the two of them walked in the sidewalk and she noticed him looking all around, searching for someone. He was being cautious for a reason she couldn’t tell. “Is everything alright?”

Zeke gave her a smile. “Of course, no worries, I know just the place.”

Erwin and Miche didn’t seem to be anywhere around, and he was grateful.

༻◊۞◊༺

“I want to thank you.”

It was afternoon now. The sun had begun to drop to dusk, and Zeke had just driven her back to the asylum. She was halfway the steps when she turned and looked at him with a grateful look in her blue eyes and that precious smile on her lips. She looked slightly taller like this too. Two steps up and he, looking up at her. His car waiting nearby. He was going to leave and go back to the Military HQ.

She came a step down, now being exactly his height and slightly closer to him. She held a bag in one hand with all the pretty little clothing that she had picked for her babyboy. She had refused to buy anything for herself even though he had insisted.

Nathalie tucked a strand of her behind her ear and she looked down shyly. “You’re keeping me sane, Zeke.” She confessed. He was something she looked forward to. “You’re reliable and kind.” Even her own husband was never really that reliable but she almost felt like she could count on Zeke. It felt like he’d be there for her if she needed him, and she’d do the same for him.

It was what she and Erwin never really had.

“Thank you.”

He took her chin between his thumb and index finger, and he urged her to look up. His blue eyes met her own and he had an honest smile spread on his lips. “Don’t thank me.” He would’ve still been a maniac trying to wipe out a race without her – if she wasn’t there to show him that there was good in life. Not too much, but there was still some of it. She was the good in his life right now. It would hurt so much to lose her, but he was no longer that helpless ten-year-old boy. “You’re something I look forward to.”

Her heart fluttered at that very statement and she felt the urge to hug him but there was still something holding her back. Maybe it was still the thought of betraying her dead husband. She recognised those feelings. She recognised the fluttering of her heart. It was a wonderful feeling that she felt every time Erwin said her name.

It was so terrible of her to feel the same feeling over another man. It was terrible of her to allow herself to compare Erwin to Zeke. It was terrible of her to allow herself to move on.

You need to forget about everything you’ve lost, and instead focus on what you have. She couldn’t do that because her heart still ached for Erwin. She would forever love Erwin, even in death.

Nathalie giggled instead and her cheeks grew a bright red. He withdrew his hand from her face and he turned to leave but she caught his hand and stopped him from making a step further.

“When will I see you again?” Nathalie asked and she cursed herself because she was needy, and clingy, and that would probably scare him off. She cursed herself because she was dependent on this man. Always so very dependent on one man and that was wrong. She should’ve been able to stand on her own two feet without any man. She should have been stronger than that.

He smiled at her. “Soon.”

But he had to take care of something first. Zeke drove back in town. There was a building being constructed, but the construction site was empty at this hour and it was the perfect meeting place. Yelena was already there, to report everything that was happening on Paradis right now. The ‘volunteers’ were actually people that trusted him – worshipped him even, who were going to see through the Euthanisation Plan. He trusted them once with his life, but now, he had to put an end in this.

Yelena’s face brightened right away when she saw him approach. “Zeke! Everything’s going according to plan. We’ve earned their trust faster than we ever expected we would. Paradis officials approached the Azumabito as you requested, and they’re already starting to trade and work together. Though, Erwin Smith doesn’t trust the volunteers and most of all me, but I’ll figure out a way to-”

“We need to stop this, Yelena.” Zeke said and her eyes widened.

“W- What? What do you mean?!”

“You heard me.” Zeke looked up at her. “I’m calling the entire operation off.” Zeke turned around to leave but Yelena caught him.

“Y- You can’t do that! You’ve dedicated your entire life to it, Zeke! I’ve dedicated my life to it, you can’t just toss it all aside like it means nothing-”

“And we can’t just tear away someone’s right to live.” Zeke cut her. She wouldn’t understand and he had no time to explain it to her. “My decision is final, Yelena.”

“It’s her, isn’t it?”

Zeke stopped himself from walking away. His back turned at her as she spoke.

“You were seen today around town with her. You know who else was around town?” Yelena was about to start threatening him, wasn’t she? He knew that woman better than anyone. Her obsession with him was… entertaining at first, but he should have known that it’d become an issue. “Her husband. What if he found out that his wife is so very close to his reach? What if I gave him the location of the asylum? He would send people to get her. I know he would.”

He turned and looked at her. “How the hell would you know the location of the asylum?”

“You showed me yourself.”

He frowned. She had followed him. He should have known better. He chuckled. He had to play aloof. “Then he’ll come take her. So what?”

She approached him and caught his collar with her hands looking at him, coming close enough. Their lips just inches apart. “That’s what I’m saying, Zeke Yeager. You have me. You don’t need anyone else.”

That was true to an extent. Yelena would kill for him. Their relationship was nothing close to normal. It was sick because he felt nothing for her whilst she’d do absolutely anything for him, but she’d kill him and everyone else if she didn’t have him. If she couldn’t have him, then no one should.

Zeke cupped her cheek and she leaned on his hand like a touch-starved pet. “Kneel, darling.” His voice was so very soft but commanding all the same.

She knelt in front of him without hesitation in complete submission. Anything for him. He petted her hair like some pet, and he smiled in satisfaction.

“You’re going to be a good girl and call off the operation.” He caught her chin making her look up at him. “Make your God proud.”

Notes:

LMFAO talk about red flags AHAHAHAHA i totally think his relationship with yelena was sth sick like that, what do you think? do you agree with me?

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

 

Three Years Later.

Chapter 86: BONUS CHAPTER - Rivetra Sideplot Pt. 1

Notes:

sorry for the erwin simps who are waiting for erwinat stuff BUUUUUTTTTT i just worked out the major angst after nat and erwin meet again AND IT'S GONNA BE SO GOOD, YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT

i expect some ppl to not read ther BONUS chapters because they're all about rivetra, so, for the erwin simps, I'm going to tease you a bit right now with a future conversation between erwin and nat:

"Do you think we can go back to where we'd left it? Do you think we can go back to being newlyweds, happy and hopeful and in love? Do you think you can love me like you once did?" Erwin asked desperately, but she kept her back on him.

ehehehehehehheeh 😈😈😈😈

RIVETRA ANON, REJOICEEEEE (IT'S UNEDITED DNJEFHUIEO)

During the Battle of Shiganshina

“I will forever choose Nathalie over Petra.”

It pulled on her heartstrings the second she heard him say it. Petra was within the remaining troops and she heard the entire conversation her Captain had had with the Commander. She was one of the highest commanding officers left and she had to know what the plan was. Their situation was dire. The Beast was throwing rocks at them, killing people on the spot and there wasn’t much of the Survey Corps left. It was just those kids who panicked and broke down and they had every right to. This was their first mission as Survey Corps soldiers, and they were going to die in it.

I will forever choose Nathalie over Petra. Petra had known. She had always known that she’d come second for him. She always knew that Levi’s heart would never choose her. She could never own it. But for him to actually say it like this, it made her heart bleed and break and she wanted nothing but to ride to her death now. She wanted to die, because what was the point? What was the point of her trying, and trying, and trying, and letting him use her body, herself, her touch, her comfort.

She gave him everything she had to offer but it was never really enough. She was never really enough for him. She couldn’t be perfect like Nathalie. Nathalie was older, and beautiful, and mature, and smart, and perfect. Nathalie was a Burgess and she was bound to be perfect, but Petra? Petra was just a girl from some backwater district and all she did was try. She tried to survive. She tried to replace Nathalie in Levi’s eyes because that’s why Nathalie had saved her life in the first place, wasn’t it?

“If you love him, you better spend the rest of your life trying to make him happy.” Nathalie told her once. Nathalie had admitted that the sole reason she had saved her for was to right everything she had done wrong to Levi. To fill the hole that Nathalie left when she broke up with Levi and confessed her love for Erwin.

Petra was a replacement. That was all she was to Nathalie. That was all she was to Levi. She knew that when Levi kissed her, and touched her, and made love to her – when he closed his eyes, Nathalie was all he saw. It was never her. Petra had always known, but she took it, because she loved him. She tried to convince herself that he loved her back. That one day he could learn to love her.

He almost fooled her when he asked her to marry him. He had made her so happy that day. She thought she had won. Petra thought she finally found her way towards his heart. It didn’t take long until she realised, he merely made that proposal because Nathalie had asked him to.

She hated Nathalie. She hated her so much. She was so jealous it was so unlike her.

Petra could hardly recognise herself anymore.

While Erwin gave his massive speech to the poor children that were all about to die, Levi approached her and she had an unreadable look on her face whilst he talked to her.

“I take one side, you take the other.” Levi instructed, turning and looking at the Beast who had titans on both his sides. “Once we take them down, we go for the Beast and we tear him apart-”

“You can do it.” Petra cut him. “You can do it on your own. You can handle it without me.”

“And what are you going to do?”

“I’m going to ride with the others-”

“You’re going to die, I’m not letting you-” Levi caught her hand to begin dragging her with him. They had to get going.

Petra tore her hand away from his tight grip and she took a step back away from him. “It’s not your choice to make.”

Petra gave him no other explanation as she mounted her horse and turned it around to approach the others. And Levi was left there, screaming at her. Crying out her name. He wanted to go after her. He wanted to stop her. She was going to die with everyone else and he didn’t want that. He didn’t want that because… because… he didn’t know why. She was… his fiancé. She was the woman he claimed he loved. Her father had asked of him to protect her and he had given his word, he couldn’t let her die.

Petra had been there for so long. She had been by his side for so long. When everyone else was dead, she was there for him. Even when he was never there for her – even when he did not deserve her kindness, her affection, her love – she gave it to him. She gave everything to him.

“PETRA!” He cried out into nothingness. He wanted to go after her, but his legs did not budge one bit.

He did not have time. He had to take out the Beast. Those children were about to die. He had to hurry.

FUCK! He had never been so frustrated, so angry before. Levi took out six titans in a row. He went for the other side but someone else killed them all. It was Nathalie. She looked like a monster with red glowing eyes, drenched in the blood of those titans that had started to vaporise from her face.

Did she wake up? How did she get here? How did she kill all those titans so fast? So many questions and so little time. The Beast came tumbling down.

Was she really going to take him down all on her own?

“Nathalie!” Levi cried out for her. “I’ve got the Beast! Save Erwin!”

Her eyes widened at the very mention of that name. She mounted her horse and she rushed away, and Levi was left there to deal with the Beast. He tore him to pieces by the time he was done with it. Levi tried to get answers but the man was picked up by another titan and taken away.

No. He had to chase after him. He had to kill him. He had promised Erwin he’d kill him. Levi went after them. He was going to kill him. That was Erwin’s last order and there was no way he wasn’t going to see it through. But there was something holding him back. There was something that wasn’t letting him maneuver any further away.

There were bodies everywhere. They were all dead. There was blood staining the soil. Bodies piled up like a mountain. Dirt and blood stained them. Lifeless eyes staring at the sky. He knew within them he’d find Petra and suddenly, breathing was getting hard to do. Levi couldn’t breathe. Urgency took the better of him. He panicked. He had to find her. She died, didn’t she?!

He lost her, didn’t he? What was he going to tell her father? How was he ever going to face this man? What was he going to do? What was he going to do without her? What was he without her? How the hell did he not realise that she meant so much to him? Why did he waste their time like this? Thinking of another woman while he kissed her, had her, held her.

He was a horrible man, wasn’t he? She rode out to her death because of him, didn’t she? Her death would be on his shoulders entirely. What was he going to do if she wasn’t around to give him those hugs, those smiles, that look of compassion in her honey eyes? She always made him feel loved even when he never returned the feeling.

“Petra!” Levi cried out as if it was the only word he knew.

He kept saying how Erwin was the most important one but fuck Erwin. It was all Erwin’s fault. If Nathalie had never chosen Erwin over him, then he would have never fed Petra with all those hopes. With all that fake happiness. All those fake smiles and hugs and kisses and that fake proposal to marry her. That fake promise to make her happy even when he knew he could never make her truly happy.

She could pretend she was happy when she was with him, but he knew she wasn’t. She wasn’t because he was a terrible man and he never treated her the way she deserved to be treated. He should have never kept her around. He should have let her go to leave the damn Scouts, and to find a man that could give her everything he was such a coward to give her. She should find a man who could love her with his entire being. But he wasn’t that man, then why the fuck was he keeping her around? Why was the very thought of her death so damn frightening? Why was his vision blurry? Why couldn’t he breathe at the very thought of her dying?

Why did it wake him so long to realise that she was everything to him? Why was he convinced that there was no one but Nathalie for him out there? Why was he obsessed with Nathalie so much? Why?! Why… why… why… why… so many questions and too little answers. They had had so much time with Petra, but he had wasted it all. He had wasted it all longing for another woman. Longing for something more while he already had everything. He had everything in his arms every night, every morning he woke up.

He searched through the bodies like a maniac. She had to be there. She had to be alive. She had to be, otherwise what the hell was he going to do without her? He couldn’t sleep without her. He couldn’t pretend he was happy without her. He couldn’t remain sane without her.

And then he found her. He would recognise that hair from a mile away. Beautiful ginger hair and beautiful honey eyes that were now staring blankly at the blue sky. She had blood dripping from an open wound in her belly. A stone had struck her there. She was dying, wasn’t she? She didn’t mind it though. There wasn’t much left in this world for her to go back to.

She had no husband. She had no family. No children, no friends, no dreams realised. She had nothing. She only had her poor old father who didn’t have many years left either. She thought she’d marry. She thought she’d finally have a family with the man that she loved. She thought this man would finally love her. She thought she’d have her dreams realised by now, but she didn’t. She had nothing. She was going to die, and it wasn’t going to hurt her at all because she was leaving nothing behind.

He rushed to her side. He dropped to his knees. He dragged her out of the crushing weight of her horse that had been crushing her legs and he pulled her in his arms. He wrapped his arms around her. He cupped her face, her cheek. There was blood running down the corners of her lips. There was pain in her eyes that finally met his own when he cupped her face. He brushed her hair away from her forehead and he cupped her cheek and he looked down at that deadly wound.

A heavy stone was stabbed into her ribs, and she was losing dangerous volumes of blood. It stained his arms, his white pants, his shirt. It stained everything. He was losing her.

“Look at me… look at me, Petra, look at me, you’re going to survive this, alright? You’re going to be okay, just hang on, I’m going to-”

“Sshh…” she shushed him weakly. Her bloody palm reached for his face, staining his cheek with her blood on her bloody thumb “…I’m going to die…” she smiled at him “…but that’s alright-”

“How can you say that?!” Levi’s hands clenched around her. He settled her on his lap and she winced at the movement. “There’s nothing alright about you dying.”

“It’s alright… it’s alright… it won’t hurt you at all…”

It wouldn’t hurt him, would it? She’d finally die and she’d finally free him of this obligation he felt for her – to make her happy and to marry her and give her the family she wanted. That was an obligation – it was a promise he had made to Nathalie. To make that poor girl happy because she deserved it, but he never wanted it, did he? He never wanted her truly. The only one he ever wanted was Nathalie and Petra was standing in the way of that. Petra and Erwin were the two obstacles and now one of them was going to be permanently removed. Erwin would certainly die in that mission too – he was the first to be struck down – Petra had seen him.

Erwin was the second obstacle – permanently removed as well – and now, Levi had everything he wanted. He had Nathalie to himself. He had no fiancé and Nathalie had no man of her own. Now Nathalie was his. Wasn’t that what Levi always wanted? Wasn’t that his deepest desire that he had tried so hard to ignore?

“You’re free Levi… you’re free to go back… to her-” Petra coughed. She didn’t even get the chance to finish the sentence. She coughed out, thick hot blood, filling her mouth and running down her lips, staining the collar of her shirt, her cheeks. She was feeling her energy draining her.

“Do you think it doesn’t hurt me to watch you like this?” He asked.

Of course, she thought as much. It wasn’t like he had ever told her he loved her. He hadn’t even showed her a spec of emotion. He hadn’t even been gentle with her. He hadn’t even told her how beautiful she was. How precious she was. How perfect – how she was everything he ever wanted. He had given her the impression that she was nothing to him when she was everything to him.

He panicked. He had hurt her so much, death sounded sweeter to her than actually indulging in this relationship. He would never choose her. He would never love her. She knew that. She thought as much, and it was his fault he had made her feel like this. It was all his fault. He had hurt the woman that he loved.

She chuckled bitterly. “Of course, it doesn’t…”

No! It hurt him. It hurt him because he loved her. He loved her so much, but he hadn’t said it. He hadn’t showed it. He had done nothing to make her feel like she could rely on him. He hadn’t showed her that all that effort she put into this relationship, all that affection she had given him – he never returned it. It was one sided. It had always been.

He had wasted so much of their time. He had hurt her so much over and over. And now, there was no time to make up for it. She was going to die.

He’d blame himself for it for the rest of his life.

“I just want to know…” tears ran down her cheeks, and her hand grew so weak it landed back down on her stomach, but he caught it in his own.

Both hands drenched in her blood as he laced their fingers together and pressed down on her wound with both of them. He needed time. He needed time to tell her he loved her. He had so many things to tell her. He had to tell her that she was enough. She must have felt like she was never enough for him. He had made her feel like this. Unloved. Pushed aside.

“…I want to know… do you think you could have ever loved me… as much as you loved… her?”

Oh God, it hurt so much. New tears ran down her cheeks, hot and salty and they landed on the soil beneath her. She needed to know that before she’d go. She needed to make sure that she wasn’t dying without a reason. He at least owed her that. To clear out his feelings for her before she’d leave. She had to know whether he loved her or not. Whether she was leaving back somebody who was going to mourn for her. Whether she ever stood a chance in happiness – in claiming his stone-cold heart.

“No…” Levi said, and she wept, but he brought her closer and he pressed his forehead against her own wiping the endless tears away from her cheeks “…I could have loved you so much more.”

Did he really have to say it? Now that she was dying? Now that it was too late? Did she have to die for him to tell her he loved her?! No! She didn’t want to die. She didn’t want to leave him now. Not now that she had him. Now that she knew he loved her. Now that she knew that she stood a chance. Not now!

Petra parted her lips to say something. To say that she didn’t want to die. To say that she loved him, that she wanted to spend the rest of her life beside him. To tell him she loved him one last time. But no words slipped out. Her head began to roll back and she stopped struggling for breath. Her eyes left his own and stared at the sky now. She had slipped away and he was going insane.

“No!” Levi shook her entire body in his arms as if the movement would bring her back. He pressed a hand on the pulse point in her neck. It was stopping. “No! No, no, no, no… don’t you dare die on me, Petra…” he growled. He searched his outfit for that box. For that damn box. He pulled out it and opening and found the syringe. He pulled out the stone that had pierced her belly and he injected her with the serum that Nathalie had made.

Someone else would need that serum. He should have kept it for Erwin, for someone else that was more important in this than Petra, but fuck it. Fuck Erwin, fuck the world, fuck our future. He had no future without her.

It closed up her wounds, it stopped the bleeding but he had no idea whether it had worked. He couldn’t know. Levi cried. For the first time in so long, tears ran down his own cheeks and he buried his face in her neck as he held her so very tight, a little tighter and he’d break her, as if the tighter he held her the more chances he had of keeping her there.

“I love you…” Levi said finally. After so long, now that she was dying, only now did he get the courage to say it. He was an ungrateful bastard. “…I love you so much, Petra… don’t leave me… not like everyone else…”

So many people had left him. His mother, the man who raised him, his two friends, his squad, and now she. Maybe he deserved it. He remembered the night she asked him to dance, but he was such an ungrateful bastard to her. What would he give to go back to that night?

“I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry I didn’t dance with you that night.”

What would he give to go back to the day he first kissed her? He would make everything right.

He would give her everything he failed to give her all this time. He would love her like she deserved to be loved.

Notes:

No sneak peek, the next chap is another BONUS chap

Chapter 87: BONUS CHAPTER - Rivetra Sideplot Pt. 2

Notes:

honestly this chapter i literally wrote it with my eyes closed cuz i was passing out from exhaustion but i still wanted to write LMAO so yeah if some words don't make sense and look sth like djkfbhriwejq this, then 🤷

pls enjoy and comment uwu

After Returning from the Battle in Shiganshina

Her whole body ached. She could tell she was lying down. Petra let out a small wince. She didn’t have a particular wound that hurt. It was just her cramped muscles from staying too long in the same position. She opened her eyes, allowing the morning light to penetrate her eyelids and she blinked a few times to clear out her blurry vision.

She was in a room. They made it back. She survived? This couldn’t have possibly been the afterlife, could it? No, the afterlife was absolute nothingness, wasn’t it? But there was something here. She was in a room in the Survey Corps Headquarters in Trost. She recognised it.

Petra looked to her side and she saw him there. Levi was sitting beside her on a chair. He had crossed his legs and his eyes were closed. His arms were crossed against his chest and his face was leaning down, chin touching his chest, eyes closed, he was asleep. How long had he been there? He had a book resting in his lap, long neglected now. He had tried to stay awake but tiredness overtook him, especially after that exhausting mission.

It had been two days and Petra had been sound asleep in both of them. Hange said she just needed rest but he refused to leave her side. Petra parted her lips and she tried to say something, but her voice barely came out and it was hoarse. She cleared her throat. She needed water – she supposed. Two days of constant sleeping without food or water had left her weak.

“Levi…?”

His eyes snapped open at the slightest sound. He untangled his arms, and he rested the book on her bedside table. He stood up and settled beside her on the edge of her bed. He took her hand in his own and he looked at her worriedly.

“Are you okay? How are you feeling? Wait, I’ll call for Hange, just give me a moment, I’ll be right back-” he tried to stand up, but she caught his hand and kept him in place.

“Don’t leave!” It almost sounded like she was pleading. Her grip around his hand was so tight, she was spending what was left of her energy on that. “You used it on me… the serum… didn’t you?”

He had been scolded massively for it. Now Armin had to be turned into a titan instead of actually be saved by a serum that could have been used on him. Armin had to inherit a titan in order to survive and he had only thirteen years of life left, and it was Levi’s fault. It was also Hange’s fault for using her own serum on her own loved one, saving Moblit and they had doomed the poor kid to die in thirteen years.

But Hange found in Nathalie’s notes that the vaccine would rid Armin and Eren of the titans that they had inherited, and the kids would get their lives back so long as they did everything, they had to do within the next thirteen years. It looked like Nathalie took care of everything before leaving.

Levi cupped her face, and he tucked a ginger lock of hair away from her forehead. “Of course, I did.”

What the hell did that mean? Did that mean he loved her? Maybe he had confessed that he did but she was still doubting it. He had said he loved her before, and the next day she found him kissing another woman. Was he lying to her again? Was he messing with her? How was she supposed to handle it if that was the case?

Petra knew what to do. Deep down, she knew it would come to this one day. There was only so much that she could take. I will forever choose Nathalie over Petra. Every time she remembered those words, her heart was breaking all over again.

Petra turned her face away from his touch and she faced the wall to her right instead. What was she supposed to believe? The only things that urged him to save her in the first place were probably pity and guilt. He felt bad for treating her like a replacement, so he was trying to make up for it with that look in his eyes. That adoration that he had never looked at her with.

Why did he even bother to sleep on a chair beside her for who knows how many nights she had been unconscious?

Levi’s eyes widened. She never denied his touch like this. Was that really the end of their relationship? No. He didn’t want to think about it. No woman would ever love him like this. He couldn’t lose her. He pulled his hand back and he stood up to leave.

“I’ll get you something to eat.”

He left and she finally released a sob that she’d been keeping back. Tears ran down her cheeks, soaking the pillow beneath her head. She was going to leave him. She didn’t want to, but it was the only way. She couldn’t do this anymore.

She couldn’t kiss him knowing that he imagined kissing another woman. She was forcing him into this… whatever it was. She didn’t even know what it was that they had. Engagement? Relationship? It was neither of those. They had nothing. Just an acquaintance that hurt both him and her. She was done.

She didn’t want to leave him and maybe that’s why she was crying now. She thought he’d make her happy. She thought he’d love her one day, truly, not because she had the same short stature and the same hairstyle as Nathalie. Those were the only things she had in common with Nathalie. Otherwise, she was a completely different person, and he hadn’t fallen for that. He’d never fall for that.

She was just not good enough.

༻◊۞◊༺

“For fuck’s sakes, I miss for two months, and Captain grumps is fucking engaged, AND MY BEST FRIEND IS FUCKING MARRIED AND HIS WIFE GOT TAKEN, like I just missed two months how did you guys manage to fuck everything up without me in such a short time…”

Miche continued his long, long, long monologue. Erwin was by his desk, reading through the notebooks that they had recovered from Dr Yeager’s basement and Hange with Moblit were in the lab, studying Nathalie’s notes. Connie Springer delivered a report about his mom – that Nathalie’s vaccine had worked, and that Mrs Springer was turned back into a human successfully, so Hange and Moblit tried to figure out how that worked and it would take them days.

Levi rolled his eyes. “Are you going to be my best man, or not?” Levi interrupted Miche’s long monologue, but he kept going.

“Wait, wait, I haven’t finished talking, and what about the state of the world like is it-” Miche cut himself when he realised that Levi had asked him to be his best man?! Levi???? Levi hated him, didn’t he??? “Me? You want me to be your best man???” He must be joking.

“I could ask for Hange, but I don’t want her to set my wedding on fire.”

“So, you trust me not to set your wedding on fire?”

Levi looked at him for a moment. Contemplating this. “This is a terrible idea, isn’t it?” He wondered out loud and Miche laughed.

“Fine. I’ll be your best man, and I’ll make sure to set your wedding on fire.” Miche said sarcastically.

Levi rolled his eyes. “Fuck off.”

“I love you too, buddy.” Miche scratched his head. “Damn, I’m gonna have to ask Nanaba for the wedding rings. I’m clueless when it comes to that stuff.”

Hange walked in the office, and she looked at Levi. “Uh, Levi?”

“What is it, four-eyes?”

“Uh…” she cleared her throat “…I just saw Petra walking out with a suitcase in hand and I was wondering WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER THIS TIME, YOU ASSHOLE-?”

“What?!”

Levi’s eyes widened and he immediately rushed out of the office, pushing Hange aside.

What was she doing? Why was she leaving? He had fucked up hadn’t he? He just had to open his shitty mouth and say it.

“I would forever choose Nathalie over Petra.”

Idiot! Levi was out of the building in a flash. He looked all around the street, looking for her. She must have still been nearby. There were people all around going about their day. It was still morning.

“Petra!” He cried out her name and she stopped walking for a second. She kept her back turned on him before she continued to walk away.

She didn’t want to face him. She didn’t want to talk to him. She didn’t want to talk to the man who had made her so unbelievably sad. She never thought Captain Levi Ackerman could get so cruel. He had always been so kind and gentle. That stern look on his face was always a mask. There was so much emotion flowing beneath and she had always known.

But not for her.

She only stopped walking when she felt his hand on her shoulder. He flipped her body to face him with such ease. Sometimes she was even lighter than Nathalie. Especially now, that she hadn’t had a proper meal in days because she was just so, so tired and sad. Maybe her father was right all along. She should abandon the military and just marry some man, be a good housewife. She should just find some other man who was going to treat her far better than this.

Levi wrapped his arms around her though and he tugged her closer to him. His grip was tight around her. He couldn’t let her go. He couldn’t lose her now. Now, that he had finally cleared his head. He had finally realised what he felt for her. He had finally realised that he loved her. He loved her more than Nathalie, more than life itself. He had to tell her that. He had to convince her to stay because she was safer beside him. She was safe, and he could make her happy.

He was going to make her happy.

“Where are you going?! Let’s get back inside, Petra. Let’s talk about this-”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” She cut him. There was no hatred in her eyes. There was no rage, no anger, nothing. Just sorrow. He had saddened her so deeply. He realised it too late. “I’m tired, Levi. I’m so tired of fighting. I’m so tired of loving a man who’ll never return the feeling-”

“I love you, Petra.”

“You’ve said that before.” She chuckled bitterly. He had. So many times. Always a desperate effort to keep her by his side. Always so desperate to keep her there. There for him because he had no one else. His mother left. His uncle left. Furlan, Isabel, Nathalie, Oluo, Gunther, Eld, everyone. Everyone just kept leaving him.

Petra was the only one still here. Was she going to leave him too? Maybe he deserved it. He deserved it more than he could admit. But that didn’t mean that he wanted her to leave. It’d be better for her if she left, yes, because he had hurt her countless times and he wouldn’t expect her to want to stay. He wouldn’t expect that of any woman.

He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what kind of words would be convenient enough to make her stay. He let go of her. He withdrew his arms from around her and he looked down in shame. He had always been terrible with dealing with people. Everyone had left him by dying, but now the woman that he loved was leaving him because she wanted to.

“I will not stop you if you want to leave. Go.” Levi looked at her and for once, he didn’t have that indifferent look in his eyes. For once, she could see emotion in those argent eyes. Panic. Pain. Sorrow. Longing. “Find someone that won’t make the same mistakes I did.” His eyes finally met her own. “But know this… when I told you I loved you… I always meant it.”

And maybe, it was because he loved her that he was letting her go. If she wasn’t happy beside him, then what was the point of this engagement? How could he say he loved her if he couldn’t even make her crack a genuine smile? He had lost in this game.

Maybe he was just meant to be alone. Maybe he’d catch a glimpse of her in some street, many years later, with a man by her side and their kids and a true smile on her face. A genuine smile. The one he failed to coax out of her.

Tears ran down her cheeks and a sob erupted from her throat. That was it, wasn’t it? That was the end of the ‘romance’ that she had spent too much of her time fantasizing about. Every time she thought about her future, he was in it. What was she going to do now?

Levi’s eyes widened. It broke his heart to watch her cry and hear her heartbreaking sobs. He made a step towards her, to pull her into his arms, tell her he loved her, ask her to stay, but she lifted a hand up, halting his movements.

“No.” Petra sniffled, and she wiped her cheeks, turning her back on him, trying to keep her face out of his sight. It didn’t sound like he was lying, but then again, she didn’t know this man as she thought she did. He was probably still messing with her. She was a good replacement for the woman he actually loved. But she couldn’t play that part anymore. “Just…” her voice cracked “…just let me go.”

She turned and walked away, and he watched her. He watched her disappear within the many people in the street.

He watched her even though he wanted to run to her. He wanted to chase her. He wanted to pull her in his arms, hold her tight enough to not be able to go anywhere. But he let her go. He watched. Idle as he had always been in this relationship.

He watched even though his heart was screaming at him to run to her. His limbs didn’t move.

He just watched and he was going to regret it massively.

༻◊۞◊༺

Three Months Later

A knock came on his door. Levi chose to ignore it at first. Exhaustion overtook him and his eyes slipped closed once again. That until the knock on the door came again. At the second time, his eyes snapped open and he groaned. Only then did he realise he had had passed out on his desk. It wasn’t the first time. But it wasn’t even night at this hour. It was afternoon. A normal hour.

But he expected nothing else from himself after all those sips of whiskey he’d been indulging himself with ever since she left. Alcohol made his mind fuzzy. It helped him sleep even when the thought of sleeping sounded absurd.

Levi listened to the person behind the door, knocking again. He ran a hand through his hair, his face. He needed a shower. He never really indulged into alcohol because it made him stink in the most disgusting manner. But he didn’t really care about it lately. Erwin was going through the same crap. He couldn’t believe that he and Erwin had actually come close enough to spend some very late nights, drinking together at the Mess Hall, discussing their misery.

It was ridiculous, wasn’t it? It certainly was. Levi never thought he’d find himself in that particular predicament.

Levi urged himself to stand up. He approached the door of his office and finally opened it. He revealed a man he never thought he’d see again. It was Petra’s father. He seemed shaken and in shock. What had happened? Was Petra okay? That was Levi’s first thought. He parted his lips to utter it. Maybe he’d muster up an apology too because he expected this man to hate him.

Levi had broken his precious daughter’s heart. If Levi was in Mr. Ral’s place, he would’ve probably murdered the man who had hurt his child. He’d expect nothing less if that man hated him or started punching him any moment. Levi wouldn’t pull away. He’d take all those punches because he deserved them.

But no, it seemed like this man was there for another reason.

“Captain Ackerman, please, I need your help!”

“What is it, Mr Ral?” Levi asked. He feared that his purpose of being there was far more serious than that.

“It’s Petra… she’s… she’s missing.”

Notes:

honestly i haven't written the rivetra sideplot pt 3 but the only sneak peek i can give you issssssss

levi's past is back to haunt him. his enemies from the underground, are back for a final shot at getting revenge, and what better target than the captain's very own fiance?

Chapter 88: Years Past

Notes:

I WILL COME BACK to the rivetra sideplot once i finish writing the third and final part of it, but for now, here take a continuation of zeke x nat fluffiness to balance the angst out

actually no, this chapter starts with the most painful angst MUAHAHAHHAHA

Eddie's Lullaby which i composed myself YES, LISTEN TO IT AGAIN ewdkmjfeghui

by the time im done with you, you're gonna be all like ZEKE ZEKE ZEKE ZEKE ZEKE and you're gonna be like FUCK ERWIN, FUCK ERWIN, FUCK ERWIN LMFAOOOOO

Three Years Later

“How are the voices, Nathalie?”

“Loud.”

“What are they saying?”

“They’re… they’re screaming… I don’t… I can’t understand what they’re saying.”

The man behind the desk wrote a few things down on his notebook. He was a psychiatrist that kept an eye on her. There was a different psychiatrist for every single Burgess within the asylum. Dr Stewart was her own. He was a middle-aged man with round glasses and greying hair that must have been a dark brown once. He held a meeting for her every two days.

“How’s little Eddie doing?”

Her face brightened at the mention of her son. A bright smile spread on her lips. “He’s so… so smart and… talkative. The more he grows the more he looks like his father.”

“Does he ask about him?”

Her smile faded and now she looked down at her fingers that messed with the fabric of her light grey skirt. It was an act of nervousness that she hadn’t yet gotten rid of.

“Yes.” It came out silent.

“What do you tell him?”

She always dodged the conversation. She didn’t really know what to tell him. And even now, she didn’t answer her doctor’s question. “Chief Yeager pretty much fills the role of a father to him, so… I don’t think he misses him.”

“But you do, don’t you? You miss him?”

Why was he making those questions today? It felt like an interrogation. She didn’t want to talk about how much she missed her dead husband. She didn’t want to talk about how much she had tried to stop herself from moving on. If she wasn’t living in an asylum – she’d be dressed in black indefinitely. But here, she wasn’t allowed to put on anything other than white.

“I’m… I’m trying to… to move on.”

“What’s stopping you?”

That was a question she had asked herself many times. What was stopping her from letting the past be and focusing on the future? What was stopping her from kissing Zeke the way she had wanted so much to do? It was Erwin. Every time she closed her eyes, all she saw was Erwin. She was missing him so much; she could cry just to the thought of it. Moving on with Zeke would betray Erwin. Even when he was dead, she loved him and wanted to remain loyal to him forevermore.

Nathalie did not answer that question.

She had lost her mind. There had been more than a few times when the nurses had to take her son away from her because she was being… dangerous. There had been more than a few times when they had to literally restrain her and tie her in leather bounds where she’d shake and scream until she’d pass out from exhaustion. It had gotten worse. It would take over.

And Zeke was dying. He had about two years left. She fooled herself they had time. She had fooled herself like this back when she married Erwin. She told herself they had time. She was proven otherwise. And now that her heart was beginning to ache for another man, she was going to lose him too. She was just bound to be alone and heartbroken. A miserable widow.

Maybe that was keeping her back too. She’d lose him. She couldn’t fall in love with another man that was dying. She couldn’t bear all that grieving for the second time.

The doctor recorded her silent response. He also had a sound recorder. It was a large box on his table that made a low wiring sound

“We ran an MRI on the brain of a cousin of yours.” The doctor said. “You were right, there is something in the brain.” He pulled out a large folder and he pulled out a large, printed image, handing it to her. Nathalie brought the plastic paper to the light of the window so that she could see clearer.

Her eyes widened. It looked like an octamer whose tentacles were wrapped around the brain. “I was right!”

She didn’t really look frightened about the weird monster that was in someone’s brain and it most probably was in her brain as well. She didn’t look terrified at all. The doctor made sure to note that down.

“We got the clearance from the government to begin experiments and to figure out a way to save the Burgesses.” The doctor said. “You could volunteer Nathalie and we’re going to start by a lobotomy.”

“Wait. This is not how you start.” Nathalie arched an eyebrow. “We need to figure out how it got there in first place. Someone put those creatures there and we need to figure out who. Whoever that was, they created those creatures, and they’d know how to-”

“It will take us too much time to figure that out and we need the Burgesses now.”

It was then that Nathalie knew she didn’t trust this man to open a hole in her head. She wouldn’t mind. She wouldn’t mind breaking through her skull to find that creature and somehow tear it out, but this man had some other motive that she couldn’t quite figure out yet.

It wouldn’t take time at all. Only Burgess technology could create such a creature. The data they needed were within the files in the Burgess Laboratories back in Marley. And something told her that this man knew that.

“I see.” Nathalie had to pretend she didn’t oppose him. She had to agree for now. She still had the offer to volunteer but if no one volunteered then they’d start taking people by force. Human experimentation. She should have known it would come to this. She had to get out of here. “I- I’ll think about it!” She forced a smile before she stood up to leave. He was staring at her. It almost felt like he could see right through her. “I need to go back to my… my son. I’ll see you in two days, sir.”

“Have a good day, Nathalie.”

She tried to remain calm as she walked through the halls to get to her quarters. The walls were white. The tiles on the floors were white as well. There was light coming from a window at the end of the hall. There were screams but she didn’t know whether they were the ones in her head, or whether they were her cousins, her aunts and uncles, suffering from that God-forsaken condition. She tried to ignore the unnerving sounds that made the hair on her skin stand tall.

She found her quarters and she walked in almost hastily. She found her baby boy sitting by her desk, drawing with colourful crayons on a white piece of paper. A smile spread on her lips right away when his huge, bright blue eyes met her own and he giggled cutely.

She would have gone completely insane without him.

“Mommy!”

She laughed when he jumped off his chair and rushed to her. She picked him up, bringing him face to face with her. “How’s my little babyboy?”

“I’m good! You?”

She kissed his fluffy cheeks. “I’m good too, darling.”

“You’re not going to… lose control today, are you?”

He made that question to her almost every day. It hurt her every time because her own three-year-old son had to look out for her. She was losing her mind and he knew that. He was a Burgess. He could speak fluently already, and he could understand things better than any other three-year-old. He understood the basics of her condition. He knew his mom was ill. He cried so loud every time she lost control and the nurses had to take him from her and they had to tie her down. He wouldn’t see her in days when that would happen. He was always scared this would happen again.

“No… no, my sweet baby. Not today.” Nathalie shook her head and she smiled at him even though tears gathered in her eyes. She pulled him into a tight hug letting him bury his little face in her shoulder, in her neck, while she wiped away the tears before they had the chance to slip down her cheeks. True to her word, she didn’t let him see her cry ever since that night when he was still a few months old baby.  

Nathalie sat by the edge of her bed – the bed that they were both still sharing. She held him tight in the nights. Her sweet baby was all that kept her sane. Her condition had gotten worse. She no longer needed mirrors to see the shadows talking to her, but she had learned living with it. She had learned to ignore it. She had learned to fight it because her son needed her to. She wanted him to feel safe around her. She wanted him to rely on her because she was his mother and she loved him so much, she wanted him to know that.

Should she volunteer? Should she trust them to fix her? And what if she died in the process? What was going to happen to little Eddie? She wasn’t going to volunteer, but she couldn’t be certain that they wouldn’t take her by force. If anything happened to her, she needed him to know about his dad. He had every right to.

Nathalie settled him in her lap, and she pulled back to look at him, cupping his cheeks and making sure his bright blue eyes were focused on her own. She gave him a bright smile and she brushed his blonde hair away from his forehead.

“It’s time that I told you about your father.” Her smile faded entirely. “His name was… Erwin Smith. He was the most… brilliant man I’d ever known,” no, she couldn’t cry now. She hadn’t spoken Erwin’s name out loud for so long and talking about him was going to be a torment. But she couldn’t cry. Not in front of her son.

“Is he gone, mommy?”

“He is, sweetheart. They took him from me long before you were born.”

“Is that why you’re always sad?”

It felt like a dagger stabbing through her heart. Was it that obvious? She had tried so hard to smile around him. She had tried so hard to play with him and draw with him. She had tried so hard not to cry in front of him all those months now. She tried to pretend that she wasn’t seeing Erwin every time she looked at him. She tried to pretend she wasn’t seeing Erwin in every single dream, every night, every second she happened to close her eyes.

She loved him so much and it had been three years and it still hurt just as it did the night, she heard him getting shot. She was seeing him being there even when he wasn’t. She felt him hold her even when he didn’t.

Nathalie forced a playful grin on her face even though her eyes shined full of tears again. “I’m not sad! Look at me…” she smiled at him brightly “…I’m smiling! I’m happy and complete because I have you. I have you and I love you so much. You’re all I ever need. You make me so happy, my sweet baby.”

He looked at her sceptically, sucking on his thumb. “I do?”

“Of course, you do! Now, now…” she pecked his nose and he giggled cutely “…let me tell you all about him, alright?”

She handled it better than she thought she would. She just had to remind herself that her son was all she needed. It was her precious little babyboy that gave her strength to move on. Even when Erwin was dead – even when her life was maddening and she was losing her mind, Edward gave her the strength she needed to push through. She had to remain sane for him.

He took it well too. He didn’t cry. He wouldn’t cry for death of a man he’d never met. She told him how she met Erwin. How she fell for him. She told him what kind of man he was. Brave, and righteous and willing to risk everything for something better. Erwin was strong. He had always been so strong, but she had seen him being weak. She had seen him cry. She had known there was always some kind of fear of failing in the back of his mind. She had seen him at his best and at his worst and Nathalie told their son all about it. How much she loved that man and how much he loved her in return.

She wasn’t quite certain about that final part. Erwin died before making it clear to her – before telling her the three words that she had been dreaming her entire life to hear coming from him. But he hadn’t told her.

But he loved her, right?

There was no point trying to figure it out now. Now he was gone.

Regardless of what had transpired between her and Erwin, Edward should feel proud to be a Smith as much as he was proud to be a Burgess. Erwin was a man everybody looked up to. He was a leader, a saviour, a brilliant strategist. He was a man to love and admire and worship. He was the man she loved. He was her husband.

In life and death, he was still her husband.

“Do you think about him, mommy?”

“Always, sweetie. As a matter of fact, you look exactly like him,” she pinched his fluffy cheek playfully and he giggled. She cupped his cheek and gave him a melancholic smile. “You got your father’s eyes.” Eddie buried his little face in her neck, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and he sighed.

“I wish he were here,” he said, breaking her heart all over again.

Nathalie pressed a cheek on his forehead and buried her nose in his hair. “I wish for that too.” Her voice shook and she soaked his little hair in her tears. But she wiped them away before he could see them.

༻◊۞◊༺

“So, where’s the little guy?”

A familiar voice came from behind and Nathalie’s eyes widened. She had been sitting beneath that familiar pine tree that he always found her beneath. She was sitting on the soft grass beneath her, her back against the large, aged trunk of the tree, enjoying the breeze and the shade. The sun was high right now. It was early in the morning and Nathalie was reading a book in her favourite spot in the gardens of the asylum.

“Zeke!”

She let the book down so fast and she jumped on her feet to greet him in the tightest hug. She wrapped her arms around Zeke’s shoulders, and she buried her face in the crook of his neck, shutting her eyes and holding him tightly. He smiled and wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her off the ground slightly. She giggled when she realised her feet were dangling.

She pulled back to look at him when he finally let her down, and she cupped his cheeks, giving him that bright smile at he adored. “You’re here! Aw, I’ve missed you!” Her fingers clutching on the collar of his shirt and she pulled him into another hug.

He chuckled. A smile spread on his lips. He hadn’t been able to visit her for five months now. Marley was waging war against so many countries, he was needed almost all the time. All he wanted, was to escape those worthless wars for even just one day, just to come to her and see her and little Eddie who had grown so fond of him.

Zeke buried his face in her hair, pressing a kiss on her forehead. Forehead kisses had become a constant whenever he’d arrive and whenever he’d leave. But there was nothing more than that. Just hugs and forehead kisses. She was loyal to her long-gone husband, and he respected that.

“I missed you too, Nat.” He spoke against her ear. She shivered slightly at his warm breath, brushing down her neck, but she shook away the thought immediately. Nathalie pulled back to say something, anything to change the subject and distract herself and him, but she lost her words when her eyes met his own.

He was staring at her in utter adoration and the smile on his lips was so very precious. This man who would barely ever wear that genuine smile – he was wearing it all the time when he visited her. His rough thumb brushed across her tender cheek. She was blushing so hard, he could feel the heat of her cheek radiating on his thumb.

Her lips were plump, and parted for him. Her body was entirely pressed against his own. He kept her close with an arm around her waist. He held her face with the other. She leaned on his hand, so needy and affectionate. He adored the way she looked right now.

Should he kiss her? He had been tempted to so many times, but she was always finding some other way to interrupt the moment. What would she do this time? Would she let him this time?

“Papa Zeke!”

Oh. She wasn’t the one to interrupt them this time. But that was alright. The first time Eddie had called him papa, he had panicked. The second time, he nearly started crying. The third time, he loved it.

Zeke laughed and he let go of her, and instead he picked up in his arms the toddler who was running to him with haste. Zeke let out a groan, pretending to struggle to pick him up.

“Oh boy, somebody has gotten so very big already!” Zeke said and Eddie giggled cutely, pressing his little hands on Zeke’s beard.

“Wait till I’ve told you all about the new things I’ve learned!”

“I bet your mom’s been home-schooling you quite well.”

Little Eddie smirked. “I’m correcting her all the time.”

“No, you’re not!” Nathalie whined.

“Of course, I do! You’re not good at physics, mom!”

Nathalie laughed and raised her hands in surrender. “Guilty as charged.”

Zeke laughed. “You’re a Burgess alright.”

He had read reports and history books about the Burgess Family, intellectually, the children always tended to be way far ahead of any other kid their age.

“I brought you something.” Zeke changed the subject, holding Eddie with one hand against him, and his other hand reached for his pockets. He pulled out a small, stuffed monkey.

“A new teddy!”

“You see, when I was your age…” Zeke handed him the monkey and he pulled it immediately in his little hug “…that little guy was my favourite toy. He made me very happy when I was sad…” even when he was a ten-year-old warrior candidate, he’d still hold that monkey tight in the nights, especially whenever his parents would scream at each other so loudly behind half-closed doors.

He was but a scared little boy back then with no compassion from any of his parents. He just wanted them to love him, but they were so blind. They were so blind, they forced him to grow up so fast, putting all those burdens on his shoulders. All those expectations. All those things he’d never asked for.

He’d never wish that for anyone, especially little Eddie that he had grown to adore. He saw himself in that little boy. He knew Nathalie would never burden her child like that, but Erwin would.

“…I want you to have him.”

Eddie’s eyes widened. “Really?!”

Zeke nodded. “Really.”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!” Eddie hugged him tight, burying his little face in Zeke’s neck, still holding the toy in his little arms. “I missed you so much, papa Zeke.”

“I missed you too, buddy.” Zeke smiled and he turned and looked at Nathalie. She was looking at them both with the widest smile. She was so grateful for Zeke. It was thanks to Zeke that her babyboy did not long for a father figure because he already had one. Zeke filled that blank spot for him. Zeke was the man she could rely on. The man she could trust. The man who was going to help her if things went downhill.

Erwin was the protagonist in all her nightmares. Zeke occupied her dreams to the fullest. If she’d allow herself to love Zeke, there’d be no end to the things she’d do for him. And he deserved every bit of it.

Zeke laid out an arm for her, urging her to join the hug and she giggled. She did it without second thought. He wrapped his arm around her waist whilst she buried her face in his neck. She, from one side, little Eddie in the other side. Zeke held them both right there and he’d never felt happier. He might’ve not been that boy’s father. She and her baby might’ve not been in his life for so long – three years weren’t too much.

But he loved them both. He loved them both so much. He parted his lips to say it, but he’d never uttered before that four-letter word. “I missed you both.” He said instead, compensating by giving them both forehead kisses and Eddie giggled at his beard that tickled his little forehead. Zeke pulled from the hug to look at them both. “Do you want to play catch?”

“Yes! Mommy, are you gonna play with us?”

“Of course!”

Chapter 89: Hope

Notes:

Small chap, a continuation from the previous one

“God, I do hope he doesn’t end up studying Entomology.”

Nathalie was sitting by her spot on the grass, back against the tree trunk, and Zeke was lying on the grass in front of her. His head rested in her lap and her fingers lingered in his hair. His eyes were closed. The soft movements of her fingers in his scalp, drawing nameless shapes had him relaxed. It felt good and peaceful. The soft rustle of leaves as they danced to the breeze, and the soft buzzing of insects came from the grass, the trees, the forest that surrounded the asylum. It was nice and peaceful out here, away from wars, away from the buzzing sounds of the city.

They had spent about an hour playing catch the three of them. Actually, Zeke and Nathalie were kneeling in the grass to get nearby Eddie’s height whenever they played, but Eddie enjoyed it so much and so did she. Zeke hadn’t played catch with someone in so long that until Eddie could finally stand on his own two feet.

Now, Eddie was so very excited and interested over a pair of caterpillars that were slowly dragging themselves on the fat leaves of a bush.

“He’s still staring at those caterpillars, isn’t he?” Zeke didn’t open his eyes, but he knew exactly what was happening.

“He is!”

Zeke opened his eyes, and he lifted his head briefly to check for himself. He sighed. “It’s been two hours.” He tried to stand up. “Want me to check on him?” He turned to look at her, waiting for permission.

“No, no, it’s fine.” She grinned “I trust him not to eat them.”

She pressed her hands on his shoulders, urging him to lie back down on her lap and he did, closing his eyes again and she cupped his cheek. He took her hand in his own, supporting it on his cheek, before he turned his head slightly to press a kiss on her open palm. Her cheeks grew a bright red right away and he opened his eyes just to see her blush.

She bit her lip and looked away from him shyly. She was so damn beautiful right there, above him. The green scenery reflected perfectly on her blue eyes and her fingers were so tender in his hand.

She had to change the subject.

“Zeke… they’ve started to… try and fix the Burgess Family.” Nathalie said but she didn’t look quite happy about that.

“I heard the government gave clearance.” He nodded finally releasing her hand. “Isn’t that a good thing?”

She chuckled. He wasn’t as sly as he let out to be. “It is! Or at least… it should be but…” maybe she had to explain this from the start. “I was right.” Her eyes met his own. “It is indeed an organism inside the minds of the Burgesses, and it is that which drives us insane. But only a Burgess possesses the technology to create an organism from scratch.”

“Wait…” Zeke stood up straight, turning to face her “…you’re saying that a Burgess did this?”

“It’s the only explanation, and I suggested it to my psychiatrist that we need to inspect the databases in the Burgess Laboratories instead of heading straight to… well… human experimentation. He said we have no time.”

Zeke frowned. “That’s an awful excuse.”

“I know!” Nathalie’s fingers started messing around with her skirt again and she looked in the distance with a troubled look on her face. “I doubt any of the members in my family are actually going to volunteer for that… research. I don’t trust the scientists Marley has assigned and I haven’t been exactly helpful to Marley ever since I got here. What if they drag me into those trials without me wanting to? What is Eddie going to do if something happens to me? What are they going to do to him? He's a Burgess, but he was born without that parasite because I insisted on a C-section, so he’s not going to go insane, so they’re going to use him! What am I going to do…?”

She was panicking. Her breathing was uneasy, and she nearly tore the fabric of her skirt with how hard she was pulling it between her fingers. Zeke cupped her face with both his hands trying to get her attention.

“Nat.” He failed to get her attention the first time. “Nat, look at me…” his one hand reached for her own, untangling them from her skirt and holding them in one of his own “…I want you to breathe. Alright? What’s real, Nat?” He didn’t want her drifting away.

“You’re real.” The answer came instantaneously. Her eyes met his own and he smiled at her.

“Good girl. Come here.”

He wrapped his arms around her, and he dragged her closer to him. He cupped the back of her head, leading her to press her ear against his chest, to listen to his steady heartbeat that was enough to help her steady her own. Nathalie pressed her cheek on his chest, and she shut her eyes. He was right. She had to calm down. She couldn’t panic now. If she panicked, she wouldn’t be able to figure anything out.

Zeke held her, trying to figure out what to do. She was right not to trust Marley. He didn’t trust anybody either. The only one he trusted was her, and he wasn’t going to let anything happen to her, neither her son. She was precious to him. This war had taken away his parents from him, then Mr Ksaver, but he wasn’t going to let it take her. He was going to protect her.

Maybe they should run. Just she and he and her son. They could live undercover in some other country. They could find refuge in the Hizuru. He was the one who told them about the Iceburst Stone anyway. It was quite the moneymaking business. They owed him for that.

Maybe he was going to get her and little Eddie out of here. Maybe he was going to live out the little time he had left, in peace, with that wonderful woman and that gorgeous little angel.

That didn’t sound half bad. It didn’t sound bad at all. It actually sounded wonderful. And after he’d make sure they were safe, he’d come back and pick his grandparents as well.

It was strange how he almost felt… hopeful. Hope was a feeling he had forgotten how it felt like. He always told himself it was absolutely useless to feel hope. But now… now he needed hope. He needed to know that she was going to be safe, because she made him a better man. She had taken those thousands of pieces of a broken heart and she put them back together one by one, and she had no idea. He could not lose her.

“I won’t let anything happen to you and Eddie.” Zeke said reassuringly. It was a promise to both her and himself. He pulled back to look at her. “Let’s run. You, Eddie, and me. We could take the train to Port Slava and from there, a boat to the Hizuru.”

Was he really suggesting this? She cupped his cheeks. “Zeke, you have a life here… you have a- a plan you want to see through. You don’t have to leave everything behind for me. You’ve already done so much-”

“I called off the plan.”

Her eyes widened. Sure, she had tried to change his mind about his chain of thought when it came to the Euthanisation Plan, but she never expected him to call it off. It was his entire life’s work. He had spent his entire life on this. She never meant to trample all over that. How was he still holding her so tightly and looking at her with such adoration when she just came into his life and brought everything upside down?

“Zeke…”

There was no saying how grateful she was for this man. How much she wanted to love him, but she wasn’t letting herself to. He was precious and he had been there for her more than anyone else. She never meant to make a mess of his life. Tears filled her eyes and she clutched on his shirt as if he was going to abandon her any moment.

“…I never… I never meant to trample all over your entire life’s work…” she shook her head and looked down in shame “…please forgive me.” If only she had kept her clever mouth shut. She didn’t want him to toss everything away for her. She would never ask that from anyone.

Zeke caught her chin, urging her to look up at him with those shiny blue eyes that glowed with tears she wasn’t letting drop. She was so beautiful. A look of distress on her face and pretty lips, plump and parted for him.

“There’s nothing to forgive. You helped me distinguish right from wrong, and frankly, my dear, there’s nothing wrong about us escaping this hell together.”

Did he really mean that? Did he really want to spend the rest of his days with a woman that was going insane? He was perfect, wasn’t he? Erwin would never really do that. Maybe he was too much for her. Too good. Maybe she did not deserve that. She had to change his mind. She didn’t want to ruin his life.

“Zeke-”

“That damn way you say my name.”

He couldn’t hold it back anymore. He wanted to bite his fist. She always sounded so needy. So desperate. It sounded like it was the only name she knew whenever she spelled it out like this. The way she looked at him right now. Sorrow and longing and raw lust that she was trying so hard to resist. She should stop resisting. She should allow herself to be happy because he could make her happy.

He would make her the happiest woman alive, because her smile – that damn smile – that glow in those damn eyes when she smiled – she looked like a goddess. His goddess.

“Say it again.” He ran his rough thumb across her lower puffy lip. His voice was soft, but commanding. There was no room left but to obey.

“Zeke…”

She barely got to finish saying it before he kissed her. He crashed his lips against her own and he finally kissed her. She kissed him back. She couldn’t help it. She had been wanting to kiss him for so long and every time it almost happened, she pulled herself back because… because of Erwin. She was a married woman. She had a wedding ring hanging on a string around her neck. She was a married woman, and she shouldn’t be kissing this man – but her husband was dead. He was dead, and she thought she was strong enough to remain loyal to him until her own death, but she wasn’t.

She wasn’t strong enough. She gave in, and it felt so good. She tasted the bitter taste of smoke on his lips, but then there was his taste and it felt familiar and warm, and her heart fluttered. She threw her head back for him to slip his tongue further into the sweet warmth of her mouth. She was the sweetest he’d ever tasted. She was utterly perfect.

She closed her eyes, pushing those tears down her cheeks and maybe she’d never cry again. He pulled back to let her breathe. He didn’t know whether he had done the right thing or not. Maybe she’d run and never face him again. Maybe she’d leave him right then and there. Maybe she’d resent him.

But he couldn’t wait anymore. He didn’t have much time left. He wanted to spend that final year in peace, beside her. Maybe she wouldn’t bear it at all when he’d die – but that was a problem to think about another day. Now, her taste lingered on his lips and all he could think about was kissing her again.

Did she just betray her husband? Did she just become a cheater? A terrible, greedy woman, allowing herself to fall in the embrace of another man. She never thought she’d let go of Erwin. Erwin was everything in her life. Everything she ever did, everything she ever was. But now? Now she was letting him go. Was she finally ready to let him go?

“I…” she touched her wet lips and guilt started flooding her mind “…I shouldn’t have… I shouldn’t-”

“Why?”

“B- Because, Erwin-”

“He’s gone. He has been gone for three years now, Nathalie.” For once he spoke out her full name. “We’ve held back so many times.” He cupped her cheek. “Let me make you happy. Let me love you and protect you. Let yourself be mine, Nat. Be mine… please…” he had never pleaded anyone before, but her? He’d drop on his knees if she asked him to.

Maybe she’d suffer when he’d die twice as much as she had suffered when Erwin died. But she’d regret it for the rest of her life if she didn’t cherish him till the very end. And maybe, it was time she let Erwin go. It was time she stopped crying for him. It was time she stopped mourning. She was still young, and she had her whole life ahead of her. Zeke didn’t have much time, but if she got her hands on a lab and she could make a vaccine, then maybe she could save him. She could vaccinate him – he’d lose the Beast – but he’d gain his life back.

And then maybe, she could fix herself, and then live a long happy life with him and her son. Their son. Maybe it was him her second chance in happiness.

Nathalie nodded frantically and she smiled brightly. “I’m yours.” She couldn’t believe what she was saying, what she was doing. Finally giving herself to another man other than Erwin. It was unreal, but it felt good. She had something to be happy about.

He smiled at her and that smile was so precious. Nathalie giggled. She cupped his cheeks bringing him in for another kiss, but he spoke before kissing her. “You’re what I look forward to.”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

Zeke picked him up and brought him close, giving him a smile. “Hey, little guy.” He cupped his little cheek. “Where’s your mom?”

Eddie’s smile faded right away. Tears filled his little eyes, and he shook his head burying his face in Zeke’s neck, clutching on both him and the stuffed toy.

Chapter 90: Father and Son

Notes:

nat losing her mind so i guess tw for that lmao PLS COMMENT and show the love

“Do you think you can fight me?”

“Do you think you can get rid of me?”

“You’ve no idea what I am.”

Someone attacked her. Nathalie jumped out of the way. That dagger would have sliced her neck in half if she hadn’t swiftly moved back. She looked up, but her opponent didn’t really give her time to make out who it was. Another attack came her way. Nathalie grabbed the wrist of her opponent, making her lose her target to her chest and finally pausing the attacks for a moment.

It was herself. She was fighting herself. She was fighting that version of herself that she never really recognised. It was a pale, weak-looking woman who was just so unnaturally strong. Her eyes were a crimson, and her hair were long and pitch black. It was herself, but nothing like her. It was that same woman that she saw in the mirrors. The same woman who had haunted her every nightmare and every waking second.

She growled and released her hand from Nathalie’s grip, attacking her again and again. Nathalie hadn’t really fought anyone in such a long time. And it showed. Her movements were sloppy. She could never become the same scout she once was. She could never get back to that same shape of killing three titans at once and fighting off bare-handed a group of larger men. She could barely handle that one woman right now.

Her surroundings were black. It was nothingness. Where was she? She knew the answer. She was inside her own mind. A swipe of her opponent’s legs beneath her own, had her dropping on her knees. Nathalie was panting hard now, and the tip of her enemy’s dagger was pointed directly to her eye.

The woman laughed. “Poor… little… Nathalie. Always so weak. You can never just rely on your own self, can you? You always need a man. First it was Levi, then Erwin, now Zeke, then you’ll find someone else, your son perhaps.”

Nathalie wanted to deny it. She glared up at the woman and she wanted to kill her. But she would never convince herself that this woman wasn’t spilling the truth right now. Always so weak. She was. She had always been weak. She had always needed someone there because she was always so scared to be alone.

Why was loneliness so scary? Wouldn’t it be a million times better if she was alone? No one to please, no one to serve, no one to rely on. Relying on herself would make her strong. But no, she just had to be weak. It was one of the few qualities on herself that she despised. Her parents always told her to be independent. To have her own home, her own job.

She had failed them.

“And here you are, losing a fight that’s in your own head. Pathetic.”

That’s right. This fight was in her head. Everything was in her head. If she could control her mind, then there was no way she couldn’t win this fight. She had to take over.

Suddenly, it was raining. It was storming. They were outside Wall Maria. There were dead people. Lifeless bodies lying in the muddy ground. There were carcasses of titans evaporating away. There was a fog and then it was the thundering rain, soaking their hair, their clothes. It was cold, and a thunder resounded in the grey sky. It must have been morning, but it was still dark.

The woman looked around her and she chuckled. “I like the new scenery.” She tried to attack her again, but this time, Nathalie stood up and crashed the blade of her sword with the blade of that woman’s dagger.

Nathalie was fed up with this. She was the one to attack this time. She was now dressed in her Survey Corps uniform, wearing her ODM Gear and clutching on both her swords. The woman pulled away from all her attacks. Nathalie swiped her swords, trying to slice her throat, her limbs, her gut. She merely laughed and got on her nerves even more.

“Look at you. Smart girl.”

Nathalie never understood why that woman looked like her. She had asked her, but she never answered. Everything she ever told her was vague and only aiming to drive her insane. They fought. They fought for hours on and on. Restless the two of them, trying to kill each other but neither was gaining any ground.

Now they were panting, exhausted from the fight that led to nowhere. Nathalie knelt back down, discarding the now worn-out blades of her swords, and loading new ones, but she didn’t have the energy to resume fighting just yet. Her opponent didn’t either. She too was sitting down in the mud, black hair was now soaked in water and her black full body uniform was drenched in mud and water.

“Why… why do you look like me?” Nathalie asked.

“Idiot.” She grumbled. “I am you.”

She had given her that answer before, but Nathalie always thought she was just messing with her. “We can keep fighting forever but we’re getting nowhere if you don’t tell me what it is that you want.”

“What does it look like I’m after?”

“My sanity.”

“Oh? Is that so?”

Nathalie pursed her lips. She was being very difficult to deal with. Nathalie placed her swords back in their cases to her sides. She was standing down. She wouldn’t surrender – no – but she wasn’t about to start fighting again either.

“Who created you?” Nathalie asked.

“Whoever created you.”

“That’s not true. A Burgess created you. Correct?”

She did not answer.

“Which one was it? Why take down the Burgess Family from the inside? What was their motive?”

Still, no answer.

Nathalie sighed tiredly. The rain was still pouring violently from the sky. There was no way she was getting any answers. That creature seemed to be as stubborn as she was. Nathalie lied back on the mud and she looked up at the sky. The dark grey sky and drops of rain fell all over her face. The mud beneath her was making a mess of her posterior and her hair but she didn’t really care.

Why this scenery in the first place? Maybe she associated fighting with the territories beyond Wall Maria that she had explored as a Scout for many years. Maybe evaporating titans and dead bodies lying on the wet mud and grass was all too familiar to her.

Before she knew it, the woman attacked her again. She growled in fury and mounted her, trying to pin her in the muddy ground, pressing her dagger in Nathalie’s throat but Nathalie flipped them over with a swift motion, bringing her beneath her, grasping the dagger from her arms and pointing it in the woman’s throat instead.

“What are you?! Who are you?! Why are you taking this form of me? Who created you!?” Nathalie shouted at her. She was fed up. She needed answers. She needed to figure out how to fix this. She could never have peace until she fixed this.

The woman didn’t look as angry as she did before. Instead, it almost looked like she surrendered. She rested down on the mud. Was that sorrow in her crimson eyes? Those were eyes that were designed to make everybody uncomfortable, but this time, Nathalie almost felt sad for her. Were those tears running down her cheeks, or was it the rain?

“I… I am you.” She said again, confusing Nathalie entirely because it sounded honest. It didn’t sound like she was messing around with her. She sounded honest. It didn’t look like she knew what else to answer to this.

Before Nathalie had the chance to make another question, she woke up.

Nathalie woke up with a gasp and a stinging pain spreading all over her head. It hurt. It hurt so much, and it was so familiar. She had felt that pain before many times, and when the realisation hit her, she stood up off the bed immediately and she rushed to the opposite side of it, pressing her back against the wall, facing her bed, trying to stand away from her baby as much as she could.

Edward woke up at the sounds and the movement of her living the bed and he turned and looked at her with sleepy eyes.

“Mommy? W- What’s wrong?”

“Listen to me, sweetheart-”

Nathalie clamped her hand around her lips, to muffle a cry of pain that choked through her throat into a groan instead. Her eyes stung full of tears. She was about to lose it. She was breathing hard, pressing herself at the corner of the room, trying keep herself there and away from him. He’d be safer if he was away from her right now. It was happening again.

Nathalie tried to control her sounds, her movements, her breathing. She tried to hold it back. She couldn’t let it take over right now. Not while her baby was there to see her. He had to get out of here. He had to be kept away from her for the next few hours. She could almost feel those demons choking her. Their yellow eyes, staring at her wickedly from the other side of the room. She could feel their hands around her throat. She could feel it starting to take over. The movements of her limbs, sudden and uncontrollable.

She was losing it.

“I want you to… to get out of here… and find the nurses, and stay with them, will you… will you do that for me, sweetheart?”

Tears filled his little eyes and he stood up of the bed and he tried to walk towards her. His instant instinct being to go to her and hug her, but she raised a hand stopping him.

“No!” Nathalie shouted at him a little louder than she should have, but she was terrified. She was terrified she’d hurt him. She was terrified she’d kill him, and then how the hell was she supposed to live with herself if she did something to her sweet baby? What would she do if she killed her son and then woke up from it as if nothing happened?

Her shouting made him weep and it broke her heart.

“I- Is it happening again, mommy?”

Nathalie nodded frantically. Her entire body was tense as she threw herself on the floor, curling her legs against her chest, trying to keep the movements in control. Tears ran down his little cheeks and all she wanted to do was hold him, kiss him, tell him it was over for good. Promise him to never go through anything like that again. No child should ever watch their parents crumble, but he watched her crumble so very often, it would traumatise him so much, having a mother who’s going insane.

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry… I’m so… so sorry…” Nathalie wept. She finally allowed the tears to run down her cheeks, but she buried her face in her hands to hide them.

There were so many things she was apologising about. She was apologising about having him go through this – letting him watch her while she lost her mind. Letting him cry over her, and always worry for her, always worry for whenever the next time would be. And now, this was one of those times and she didn’t know how to apologise enough – what to do, that’d be enough to make up for all of this. He didn’t deserve to be raised in an asylum. He didn’t deserve an insane mother.

But she was all he had.

Maybe she was apologising for letting him come in this world in the first place. Maybe she should have never changed Zeke’s mind about the world. Maybe Zeke was right from the beginning. Maybe she was the one being wrong.

Nathalie groaned when the shouts inside her head turned into brain-drilling shrieks, and she shut her eyes tightly trying to put up with them. She looked up to find him still there, crying, sniffing his noise, wiping his damp eyes with his little fists. The very sight of it hurt her a lot more than her suffering right now.

“Please, darling… please, you need to go… I… I can’t hold back any longer…” Nathalie tried to say as quietly and as calmly as possible, even though she wanted to scream. She wanted cry out and bang her head against some wall. She wanted a gun to plant a bullet to her head to make the pain and shrieking to stop. It was taking all her willpower – all her restraint to hold it together and resist it.

“B- But, mommy, I-”

“Go!” She shouted at him.

Her voice, distorted. Almost sounding like someone else. It was the very first time she had shouted at her own child. She never thought she’d be that kind of mother. She had vowed to never be anything but gentle to her children if she had any. But her eyes flashed a bright red and her little boy whimpered in terror. Tears ran down her cheeks at the realisation of what she had just done.

“I’m so… I’m so sorry…” she wept and clamped a hand around her lips. She dug the nails of her other hand into her knee, trying to keep herself from making any dangerous moves towards her sweet boy. “…don’t hurt him… don’t hurt him… don’t hurt him…” she repeated this over and over like a mantra.

“I’ll do whatever I want!”

She almost launched an attack on him growling like an animal, but Edward ran out of the room evading her just in time, locking the door behind just as she had showed him. Nathalie banged on the closed door, screaming like a madwoman. There was no way out and whatever the creature inside her head wanted to do, it could no longer do it.  

Nathalie clamped her hand around her mouth, gaining the control of her body for a second. She allowed herself to slip back down on the floor, her back against the closed door. She turned and looked at her bed. She had to get there fast. They had put cuffs attached to each side of the headboard. She had to cuff herself before she broke through that door. Before she set herself free and started to kill everyone within her reach.

Nathalie began to crawl. Her fists were clenched, and whimpers escaped her throat as she tried to ignore the shrieking. She tried to stop her limbs from making any movements that she didn’t want them to. She tried to restrict herself, but it was just so hard to control it. When it wanted to take control, it took it no matter how much she tried to resist.

She reached her bed and she climbed to sit on the edge. She started cuffing her wrists as fast as she could. She finished cuffing one hand and she did the same with the other, pulling on the leather bindings with her teeth to fasten them around her wrist and she finally let it take over.

It was always an unpleasant sight. Screams and shouts and shaking, and writhing. Red eyes and wicked laughter whilst her limbs jerking in sudden successions. It was like a possessed body trying to break free, almost breaking the bed in the process, but the headboard was metallic, strengthened for that very reason. It didn’t bend that easy. This place was designed for that very condition after all.

The nurses checked up on her, making sure to cuff her legs as well before letting her be and locking the door behind. No one would be entering that room until she passed out from exhaustion. She was dangerous to be around, and that room should remain locked.

What kind of life was this? What kind of life was she giving to her son? Nathalie didn’t care about the suffering. She had almost gotten used to it. Suffering was all her life was about. But her son? Bound to grow up in an asylum, watching her and the rest of his family fade with that God-forsaken condition?

Maybe Zeke was right from the start.

Some people just should’ve never been born.

༻◊۞◊༺

It was later in the morning when Zeke visited again, but all he found was a locked door and little Eddie sitting on the floor outside. He was holding that monkey stuffed toy that Zeke had brought for him. Eddie’s little face brightened right away, and he jumped on his feet, rushing towards him.

“Papa Zeke!”

Zeke picked him up and brought him close, giving him a smile. “Hey, little guy.” He cupped his little cheek. “Where’s your mom?”

Eddie’s smile faded right away. Tears filled his little eyes, and he shook his head burying his face in Zeke’s neck, clutching on both him and the stuffed toy. He let out a heartbreaking whimper and Zeke knew instantly what had happened. He had never seen it happen to her, but she had explained it to him. Zeke hugged Edward tightly and he pressed a kiss on his little temple.

“Did she hurt you?” Zeke asked and Eddie shook his head no but still refused to pull his head back to look at him.

Eddie’s fingers were just so tight around his shirt. The little boy was terrified, and all Zeke wanted to do was make him feel safe. It was making him smile the very fact that Eddie was holding the monkey that Zeke had brought him.

Zeke started walking away, taking him away from that terrifying place. Nathalie’s screams weren’t the only ones that echoed through the halls. “Hey, how about we get you some ice cream?”

Eddie pressed his cheek on Zeke’s shoulder, and he sniffled. “Wouldn’t that mean that you’d take me out to town?”

Zeke shrugged. “There’s nothing wrong with that.” Edward wasn’t infected with that creature, so he was never going to go insane. Zeke didn’t really need permission to take him outside. Zeke pulled out his handkerchief and he urged him to pull back so that he could wipe his nose, his cheeks, his eyes. He held the handkerchief to his little nose for him to blow it clean and Zeke chuckled wiping his nose. “That’s a good boy.” He stuffed the handkerchief back in his pocket and he made his way towards the entrance of the building to walk outside.

Zeke didn’t just get him ice cream. He got him food right after. Considering Nathalie had been suffering with anorexia, Zeke wanted to make sure the same wouldn’t happen with Edward. Zeke couldn’t help it. He bought him more stuffed teddies and train toys. In the night, there was some kind of festival that Zeke couldn’t quite remember what it was about, but it was the perfect chance to have some fun and to help him forget.

There was more food and street clowns, and challenges to win more stuffed animals. Needless to say, Zeke and Edward tried everything.

It wasn’t too far away where a black-haired woman and a dirty blonde man with the warrior armbands walked down the street, talking about whatever the hell Marley would have them do in the future. Marley was certainly planning a few more attacks to launch on some other small enemy Nations and the Warriors would definitely be sent there. Reiner was looking after the kids – the younger Warrior Candidates that would become their successors one day.

Pieck yawned but she interrupted herself when she realised that… is that… Zeke?! Porco was going on and on about a chick he met yesterday and Pieck honestly hadn’t heard a thing, so, she interrupted him by grasping his hand and pausing their walking.

Porco looked at her confusedly for a moment. She looked like she had seen a ghost. “Hey, what’s wrong, are you-”

Pieck nodded her chin towards Zeke’s direction and Porco turned to have a look and his eyes widened. Zeke was holding a three-year-old boy in one arm and a new stuffed toy in the other. The boy was laughing over whatever the hell Zeke was telling him and Zeke had a smile on his lips.

“HE HAS A SON?!” Porco cried out.

“I don’t know, I’ve just…” Pieck couldn’t believe this “…I’ve known this man ever since I was twelve and I’ve never seen him smile so… genuine.”

And it was true. Zeke always lied. There was always something off with Zeke. There’s always something that he wasn’t telling them. She always guessed it was some other bigger plan. She always expected him to one day point the gun against his comrades. But she could have never guessed he had a family that he was trying to hide.

Was that even the case?

“I’m gonna go ask him-” Porco tried to walk towards the man, but Pieck gripped his hand keeping him in place.

“No! We’ll ask him tomorrow. We don’t have to do this in front of the kid!”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chapter:

“I love you, Nat.”

“Zeke-”
“You don’t have to say it back.” Zeke cut her. He cupped her cheek, wiping the tears that had involuntarily started to roll down her tender cheeks. “You don’t ever have to say it back. I know your heart still belongs to him and I will never ask of you to-”

“I love you.”

Chapter 91: "You're What I Look Forward to," 🟥

Notes:

OI SHREKKY IF YOU'RE READING THIS "you're what i look forward to" is zeke and nat's "here's looking at you, kid" uwu

Yes casablanca reference IM OUT OF IDEAS CAN U TELL????

i tried to write MY FIRST EVER zeke smut, but it turned out into 6k words of absolute angst LMFAO u know im in no mood to write smut when im focusing on the angst more than the actual sexy stuff

pls bear with me it's UNEDITED

By the time Zeke took Edward back to the asylum, the little boy had fallen asleep right beside him in the seat of his car. Zeke had wrapped his grey jacket around his little body to keep him warm from the late-night breeze. He parked the car outside and unclasped the belt from around the boy. He took him in his arms carefully not to wake him before Zeke carried him back inside. Some nurses took the boy to sleep elsewhere.

“What’s Nathalie’s condition?” Zeke asked one of the remaining nurses and she approached him.

“The screams have quieted down, but… we haven’t yet unlocked the door.” She informed him.

“I’ll do it.” Zeke turned to make his way towards her room upstairs, but the nurse stopped him.

“W- Wait, sir, you need to be careful, we don’t know whether she-”

“I’m a Warrior.” Zeke reminded her. “I can handle whatever state she’s in.”

He got no other objections from the nurse, and he almost rushed upstairs. He didn’t know where Marley would send him the next morning and he didn’t know when the next time would be when he’d see her again. Zeke needed to see her. To make sure she was okay. That was all. He stood in front of her door, and he unlocked it carefully. He walked in the dark room, and he turned on the lamp that stood by her table.

It looked like she had fallen asleep. Bound legs and wrists and eyes closed. Rhythmic breaths escaped her nose, and her wrists looked bruised from all that struggling. Her glasses, the pillows and the blankets had dropped on the floor. He picked up the mess, settling her glasses on the bedside table. He rested the blankets on her armchair, and he settled her pillow beneath her head, lifting her head up with one hand.

It was late in the night, and the light from the lamp was dim. Her hair was a mess. He had to be careful. Zeke sat beside her on the edge of her bed, and he cupped her cheek. Her head leaned on his hand, and she let out a soft hum.

“Nat?”

Her eyes fluttered open. Sticky tears lingered at the corners. The muscles of her arms and feet hurt and felt cramped from being tied up for too long. Her wrists hurt with every movement she made against her confines. She was still in her sleeveless nightgown that barely reached her knees. Honestly, watching her tied down, messy hair, nothing but a gown to hide her body and her pretty legs on display was bringing out of him lust more than it was bringing pity and worry. Zeke had to shake those feelings away though.

He'd never touched her like this. They hadn’t been intimate at all. It was just kisses, holding hands, warm hugs, her face nuzzling in his neck. There had been nothing more than that and he wouldn’t ask for it. Even when she merely kissed him, she still felt guilt about betraying Erwin. Even when Zeke had convinced her that it was alright to move on from her dead husband, the guilt was there, and he knew it. He wasn’t going to ask for anything more from her. He just wanted her to be alive and there for him whenever he visited her.

“Zeke…?” She finally acknowledged his presence. Her voice sounded hoarse, and her throat felt sore from all that screaming. He was visiting her today. Usually, she’d smile when she’d see him, but now, she was exhausted and scared and the first thing she thought about was her son. “…Eddie!” Her eyes snapped open, and she tried to move her hands only for the leather to dig deeper in her bruised skin. But she didn’t care. “Is he okay?! Did I hurt him?! Where is he?! Zeke, please tell me he’s okay!” New tears ran down her cheeks and she wept. She didn’t kill her own child, did she? She didn’t know what she’d do if she had done it. There would be nothing left but to finish off herself. “Tell me I did not hurt my baby! Tell me he’s alive, Zeke, please, tell me he’s okay…”

“Ssshh…” He cooed down on her, wiping off the tears from her cheeks, calming her down. It was blissful the way she leaned on his hand that lingered on her face. His needy, helpless girl. But he was there for her. Anything for her. “…he’s okay. More than okay, actually. I got him ice cream, and food, and toys. I took him out to town to help him forget.”

Did he really do that? Her heart fluttered. He was perfect, wasn’t he? What would she do without him? What would she do without this man? He was that which helped her stand. He was the father that Eddie needed. He was the man that she needed. She was grateful. So very grateful, she had no idea how she would express her gratitude. She had no idea what to do to make it up to him. He had no reason to do any of this. He gained nothing from helping her, loving her and her son.

No man would take in a widowed woman with an orphaned child (considering we’re in a 40s kinda era).

Zeke started freeing her wrists “now he’s sleeping with the nurses. He’ll be alright tomorrow morning. You’ll see.”

“Thank you, Zeke.”

Nathalie rubbed her aching wrists and once he had freed her feet as well, her hands reached for him the same way Eddie reached for him to pick him up. She was so adorable. So needy. He loved how both of them never stopped showing how much they needed him. It made him want to be stronger, better for them both.

Zeke picked her up and he settled her on his lap. Her knees planted on the bed around him, and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. He wrapped his arms around her waist, pressing her against him while she buried her face in his neck and she shut her eyes, holding him tightly. He buried his nose in her hair and he sighed at her scent. He ran his fingers through her hair, and she sighed. Her body relaxed against him. She was safe there, in his arms.

“Thank you so much… you’ve no idea how grateful I am… I’ll do anything to make it up to you… anything…” she buried her fingers in his hair rubbing in just the way he liked “…anything, just say it-”

“I love you, Nat.”

Her eyes widened and she pulled back to look at him. It didn’t look like he was regretting saying those three words. No one had told her those three words in so long. Not even her own husband. Not even the man that she loved, the man that she had married, the man that she’d do anything for. But Zeke said those words. He said them and tears gathered in her eyes because she was finally worth of loving. Maybe she’d never be good enough for Erwin, but for Zeke? Even in her sorry state – even when she was losing her sanity – even when she was unstable and miserable and sad and at the worst state she’d ever been – even then, she was perfect for him.

She was worth of his three words.

“Zeke-”

“You don’t have to say it back.” He cut her. He cupped her cheek, wiping the tears that had involuntarily started to roll down her tender cheeks. “You don’t ever have to say it back. I know your heart still belongs to him and I will never ask of you to-”

“I love you.”

It was his turn to look surprised. Eyes wide, and heart beating like a drum. Nobody had ever told him this. There had never been a woman to be his in that sense. But she cupped his cheeks, making sure she had his attention.

“I love you, Zeke Yeager. You’re what I look forward to.”

He had told her that exact same sentence a few months back. It was why she always smiled when she saw him. He was what she looked forward to in this mess of a life. Maybe she had done well to convince him otherwise. Life wasn’t all terrible. Yes, she suffered all day, but she was here now with this man.

The man she loved. The man who made her happy. The man who made her heart flutter and her lips curl up into a smile even when her world was crumbling.

“He never told me he loved me.” Nathalie looked down in sorrow. “There’s no point in loving a man who never loved me the same.”

She had no idea, did she?

She hadn’t heard him all those times Erwin told her he loved her. She didn’t hear a word when he clutched her into his arms and cried it out for her. She wasn’t listening when he said it, over and over, because he only said it when he knew she wasn’t listening. It was all in ruins. Both she and Erwin crushed their relationship beneath the rubble.

And now, she kissed Zeke, but she was merely making sure to place a tombstone on top of the rubble and fully establish the grave of her marriage with Erwin. There was no digging through that grave, trying to find the love that she stored there for Erwin.

It had simply died and run out.

But Zeke kissed her back, because he needed to love and be loved by someone so very desperately. He kissed her back because he wanted her. He needed her. He buried his fingers in her hair and he deepened the kiss urging her head to arch back, forcing her sweet lips to part further so that his tongue could make a deeper dive. He finally had someone to call his. He finally had someone to trust. Someone to hold.

Someone to look forward to.

He lied her down gently on her back and hovered on top, not once letting go of her lips until he pulled back to look at her. It was that hazy look in her bright blue eyes that drove him mad whenever he pulled back from a kiss. Maybe he would ask for something more tonight, and maybe she was going to give him everything and much more than that.

He took off his glasses, settling them beside her own on her bedside table and he started kissing her again. His blistered fingers slipped up her thigh, pushing up her gown, revealing her wonderful body beneath, tracing it with his fingers. She was so small, and she always looked so thin and weak, but there was something about her being weak that made him desperate to be strong for her.

She was so beautiful like this, lying beneath him, half exposed, and shivering. She hadn’t felt a man’s touch for so long. She buried her fingers in his hair, throwing her head back, feeling him as he pressed kisses in her neck, her face, her chest. Nathalie closed her eyes and just revelled in it.

He was being so gentle. No biting, no suckling, no marking. He wasn’t going to mark her. He didn’t have anything to prove. He didn’t care whether the world knew about them or not. Actually, they were better off if no one knew about this. She was safer if no one knew, and he was giving Marley less things to blackmail him about so long as they didn’t know that he cared about someone that much.

So, no, he had nothing prove. He held no ownership over her. She was his in life but neither of them knew how much that could last. Everything they had could be taken away in a single moment. Heck, maybe he’d die tomorrow when Marley would send him off to one of their wars. But now they had such little time but every second of that time was precious.

All he wanted to do in that precious time was love her, pleasure her, hold her. She had been through so much, he’d be damned if he was anything but gentle.

Something that Erwin never was.

Zeke reached her chest. The rough hairs of his beard were tickling her skin while he dragged his mouth all over whatever exposed skin he could reach. He stood up, to take off his grey jacket. He began unbuttoning his shirt, looking at her while he did so. She was so fucking beautiful, breathing hard, lying down, sprawled out for him. All for him. The texture of her hardened nipples could be seen from the thin, white fabric of her gown. Her pretty face was blushing a bright red and her hair was the most beautiful mess against her pillow.

He took off his shirt and her hands reached for him right away. She touched him with cold fingers, making him shiver whilst he kissed her again. Her touch was tender, and it raised goosebumps all over. She felt his shoulders, his chest, his muscled torso, his arms that were strong enough to snap her body in two, but he was being so gentle. The last man to have been that gentle with her was Levi and that was many years ago.

He pulled back to look at her, gathering her gown in his one hand, the other, planted beside her on the bed to keep him from crushing her. “May I?”

She couldn’t believe he was even asking. If it was Erwin, he would’ve stripped her off her clothes while still fully dressed. But she had never been exposed like that to Zeke. Would he still love her if he looked at her skinny, weak body, where bones protruded from her skin? All those scars from all those wounds that she had endured for Erwin? She had gotten tortured for him. She had gotten out in the battlefield to learn to kill titans for him. It had ruined her body in the ugliest way possible. Would Zeke still love her if he saw all this?

Suddenly, her insecurities all came flooding right in. She gripped his hand that was holding on her gown, to stop him from taking it off. She wanted to shake her head no. She wanted to tell him to stop from going any further. She had his love, and she wasn’t about to lose it because of her own ugliness.

“I’m… I’m skinny… and… and scarred… and…” she bit on her lip, and she hesitated to talk and fuck was she adorable like this.

Zeke let go of her gown and cupped her face instead. She was looking away from him in shame and he chased her eyes. “So?”

God, it was shameful. Her face had never been redder. “I… I’m not… fond of my body, Zeke-”

“Aw, hush, darling.” He cut her. He caught her chin, urging her to look up at him. So shy. So insecure. She didn’t want to look him in the eye. She looked down and away from him shyly and it only served to make him feral. But still, he had to be gentle. He traced her puffy lips with his thumb. “Eyes on me, pretty thing.”

His breath brushed warm on her lips and she finally submitted to his wish. Pretty eyes met his own hesitantly and gently, him thumb found its way past her lips and inside the wet warmth of her mouth.  

How could she still be insecure when she had a face like this? When her lips were so full and soft and naturally pink, and her blue eyes were so wonderful, big and bright and adorable. Perfect face, undoubtedly, a perfect body beneath the annoying clothing. She did look like the shy type of woman. The kind of woman that never really fucked around with men because she was shy, and she had dignity. She valued herself, so she didn’t give her body around to any man to use that easy. But she was loyal and submissive to just one man.

She was no longer in the shape of a soldier. She hadn’t fought as a Scout for three years. She hadn’t yielded a sword or an ODM or anything like that for so long. She didn’t exercise, she didn’t eat, she didn’t stand too much out in the sun. Her skin had grown paler than the white tiled floor and her muscles were barely capable of keeping Eddie up in her arms.

But all that weakness made her even more desirable.

“You’re the most beautiful woman, I’ve laid eyes upon.” Zeke said and her eyes widened. “But if you don’t want to move on, then we won’t.” He pressed a kiss on her forehead, and he tried to stand up and move away, but she caught his shoulders, keeping him in place.

“I want to!” She didn’t want him to leave. “Please, don’t go just yet.” It almost sounded like she was begging.

He chuckled. “I’m not going anywhere.” He smiled at her before he kissed her again, gentle, and sweet while he slowly pulled her gown away from her body. He placed it aside and he looked down at her finally exposed body. Fuck “so perfect,” he mumbled before he buried his face in her chest and he wrapped his arms around her, kissing her all over. All those scars that lingered there on her chest. The name of her ‘dead’ husband was carved there. His stomach clenched at the thought as he pulled back to look at her, to ask her. “He didn’t do this, did he?” He traced the initials with his thumb, and he looked up at her full of worry.

Nathalie shook her head immediately. “No! No, he’d… he’d never, it’s just… I took it for him when the… Military Police tortured us.”

He could hardly calculate how much someone can love their loved one, enough to go through torturing for them. Would he do the same for her? Of course, he would. But there was a huge difference between saying it and actually doing it. She must have loved Erwin so insanely much. And how dare Erwin allow this to happen?

Did Erwin really allow his wife to get tortured? For him? What kind of sick game was this? Did Erwin ever love her at all?

Zeke got angry. He didn’t remember the last time he’d ever been that angry. Usually he buried away every tense feeling that he happened to feel over the course of his life, but his anger right now was just so hard to hide.

He had done the right thing, hadn’t he? Not telling her that he husband was alive. Keeping her away from Erwin. He had done the right thing, because a single look at her was all he needed to know that Erwin hadn’t taken care of her at all. Erwin put her in this war in the first place.

Zeke didn’t know what he’d do to Erwin if he ever saw him, but right now, he had to bury that anger and save it for another day.

“Sweetheart…” Zeke pecked her lips, his chin, her neck “…if you were mine, I’d never let that happen to you.”

She giggled “are you sure? I can be quite stubborn.”

“So can I.”

She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, cupping his cheeks and bringing his mouth back on her own. Just how passionately could she love someone? How much time and energy and devotion could she put into it? Would he ever have that? Did she mean that she was just as much devoted to him when she told him she loved him?

Could he really have that?

It was driving him insane. He never even thought of loving someone, much less having someone completely committed to him. Could he really have that? Was he really worth of anything like that? He was a murderer. He had done so many terrible things. He killed people for living just because they were different. Just because they wanted to be free. Was being different that much of a crime? Was wanting to be free such a sin?

But he still did it because… did he really have a choice? He wanted to run. He never wanted to run away from something as much as he did now. He was going to run away with her. He didn’t care whether she’d completely lose her mind one day. He didn’t care. He’d still love her.

He’d be just as devoted to her.

Maybe she’d give him what was left of her broken heart. Maybe she’d entrust him with keeping it together even when she knew everything would come to ruins again. He would die, she would lose her mind, Eddie was going to be adopted by some other family and he’d suffer through the same self-doubts and issues that she did when she was given up for adoption. She was going to do to her son the exact same things her parents did to her. Was Edward going to hate her when he’d grow up?

Everything was just meant to crumble, and she was just meant to watch. But maybe, she’d be grateful if Zeke held her heart together for just a little while before everything fell apart again. It was this constant pain – this constant, mind-breaking fear of losing everything. Giving parts of herself away and then having them die away with her hopes – with the people she dedicated herself to, until there was nothing left.

What would she do when there was nothing left?

She didn’t know, and she didn’t want to think about it. She kissed Zeke, and she held him tight because she had learned to love her man as if it was the very last time, she’d ever get the chance to. She had learned to prepare herself for the possibility of losing everything, and she had learned it in the cruellest way possible. She would never regret again not holding someone tight enough. She would never regret again not having said everything she wanted to say.

He kissed his way all the way down to her stomach. He found the stitches there from the time she gave birth to Eddie. He remembered her doctor carving her up. He remembered how terrified he was that day, he never wanted to watch her scream and writhe and whimper like that. But he was there when it happened. He was there to hold her hand and encourage her to move on, and despite all that pain, and all that screaming, something beautiful came out of this entirely torturous experience.

The most precious boy. The son he never thought he’d have.

Zeke pushed her panties down her legs, revealing her wet pussy. Slick had covered her inner thighs and he had barely touched her. He lied between her legs and he took her dripping cunt in his mouth and she gasped. She tasted like honey and he groaned, lapping up at her folds before focusing on her clit, wrapping his lips around the sensitive nub, suckling till her legs were closing around his head and her body arched.

“Ah… Zeke…”

That fucking way she spoke his name. All breathy and worked up and shaking. She caught his head, burying her fingers in his hair, pulling him harder down on her wet heat and one of his fingers prodded her hole, pushing gently right in. He wrapped his arm around one of her legs, forcing it out of the way, pressing his palm down on her belly to keep her in place while her hips tried to lift up to his mouth.

He pulled up at her. He looked how she threw her head back. He listened to her sounds. Little gasps and whimpers. Body twitching beneath his mouth and his fingers searched for that spot. The sensitive spot that he was going to use to coax however many orgasms he wanted out of her.

His beard was rough against her clit and it was doing nothing but add to the stimulation. A tight coil began to gather beneath her belly, right beneath where his hand was pressing her down and a high-pitched moan escaped her throat when he nudged a particular spot inside of her.

Zeke let go of her clit and he smirked. “There she is.”

She whined at the loss of stimulation on her clit but instead he buried two fingers inside of her, curling them over that spot with every thrust, again and again, rough thrust that made her shudder.

“Zeke! Right there! Right there… oh fuck, please, right there…”

He slipped back up, hovering on top of her, fucking her with his fingers while he took her mouth in his own, to keep down her sounds. He had no idea what would happen if they caught them doing this. She had already brought to life a half Eldian addition to the Burgess Family and he was willing to bet they didn’t want her to bring another.

But what was most terrifying, was that now that they had figured out how to bring Burgess babies to life without having them inheriting the maddening condition, Marley – which needed Burgesses – would most like force the remaining Burgess women to… breed with their own chosen pure-blooded Marleyan men.

Zeke had heard that discussion coming up during their military meetings, but he hadn’t dared to tell Nathalie about it. She’d panic, she’d throw up, she’d commit suicide, she’d try to run, she’d literally do anything to escape this, and he knew that woman was indeed capable of anything.

Marley needed the Burgesses to deal with the titans. The Marleyan government was full of sick minded people. Marley was also capable of anything.

Maybe they needed to run and they needed to do this faster that he was expecting to.

But the thought of some other man touching her – a Marleyan at that, it was making him sick and possessive and mad. If she really had to carry another child, then he wanted her to choose who she wanted it with.

Right now it was him, because right now, she was his.

She clutched on his arms, his shoulders and she threw her head back and came hard around his fingers, that pumped against her spot till she was spent and overstimulated and her legs were shaking. She clutched on his arms and he finally stopped fucking her with his fingers. He brought his hand up and forced his fingers inside her mouth, watching her as she so obediently licked them clean off her wetness, still panting hard from her orgasm.

“Mine.” He pulled his fingers out of her mouth, smearing her saliva all over her chin, her neck, her chest. He took off his pants. Hard cock pressed against her belly and she took him in her hand. Zeke groaned and buried his face in neck while she stroked him, tightening her fist at the base of his cock. It was large with a satisfying girth, but certainly not larger than Erwin. She smeared the precum all across his length and she pressed a kiss on his neck, his shoulder, his chest.

“Lie down,” Nathalie whispered against his ear, suckling on his earlobe, making him shiver. “Let me take care of you.”

“Shit.” Zeke pulled from her neck to look at her. “It’s supposed to be the other way around, Nat.”

She giggled. “Well, I am a little bit older than you…” he frowned a bit on that fact “…but I want to make you feel good, because you’ve suffered a lot, my darling Zeke.” She cupped his cheek, pecking his lips. “Let me show you properly how it is to be loved.”

God, fuck getting tortured for her. He’d die for her.

Zeke flipped them over in a single move, bringing her on top of him as if she weighed nothing. Nathalie giggled at the movement, straddling his hips and leaning down to kiss his lips. She slipped down to his neck, kissing and licking gently on his skin. She sucked down a little mark and he groaned, burying his fingers in her hair, but she made sure it was on a spot where it wouldn’t show. She kissed his chest, his torso. She kissed him all over and all he could do was look at her.

No one had ever worshipped his body like this. It always him to do the work when it came to sex and carnal pleasure. But now he was lying down, and she looked so fucking beautiful like this. His precious woman.

She kissed him all the way down, taking his cock in her hand. Saliva slipped down her lips and landed at the tip of his cock and he groaned at the downright dirty sight, throwing his head back, trying his best not to come just from this.

She smeared her saliva all over his length before she took the tip of his cock in her mouth, sinking down on him, taking him all the way down her throat and it felt like heaven. Maybe it was her way of thanking him for being there for her, for her son. It was her gratitude that pushed her to put all her skill into it. Erwin had done a great job at corrupting her mind, her throat, her holes, her body. She was no longer the oblivious little girl she once was.

“Fuck, Nat, I’m gonna cum if you don’t stop right now,” it was a clear warning, but she didn’t care if he came in her mouth right now.

She was surprised he had even warned her. Erwin would cum down her throat, and he expected her to swallow it, and she’d expect him to be gone the moment it’d be done. It was terrible to keep comparing Zeke to Erwin, but she simply couldn’t help but see the difference.

She was sucking on his cock, thrusting a fist on the base of his length while bobbing her mouth on the other half. She pulled back to catch her breath. A drool of saliva still connected her lips to the tip of his cock.

“Are you going to cum in my mouth, Zeke?” She licked the leaky tip and he groaned, he fisted a hand in her hair, and he literally dragged her back on top of him.

She let out a gasp at the sting in her scalp but he caught her lips, kissing her hard. His wet, hard cock pressed snug between their bodies and he couldn’t believe this was happening. He thought she was innocent when it came to the matter of sex. He thought there was much of her left to corrupt, but he was wrong.

“You always look so innocent in those long, long skirts.” He grinned against her lips. “Long sleeved shirts even when it’s scorching hot outside.” His fingers clenched in her hair as he noticed her hips moving, rubbing her wet cunt on his cock, mounting his belly. She let out the filthiest moan he’d ever heard in his life. “Always blushing like a sixteen-year-old girl when I touch you but look at you now.” He caught her neck in one hand, squeezing slightly while the other fondled with one of her plush breasts. “Rubbing yourself on my cock like a bitch in heat.”

Fuck, he could see right through her, couldn’t he? No matter how shy she was or played out to be, she was everything her man needed her to be in bed. Pliant, and submissive, and willing.

“Please… Zeke…”

“What do you want, sweetheart?”

She groaned and pressed both her hands on his chest to brace herself whilst she rubbed herself on his cock. That little friction on her throbbing clit wasn’t nearly enough to make her cum.

“Need you.” She bit her lip. He pinched her nipple hard enough to make her hiss and her body shook above him.

“You’ll have to be more specific than that, darling.” His voice dripped with honey, but he had a sadistic glint in his blue eyes.

“Need your cock… need you to fuck me, please…”

“Ah, that’s it. That’s a good girl.” He smiled up at her in satisfaction and before she knew it she was lying beneath him on the bed. She let out a laugh and his eyes widened.

He watched her as she laughed. He’d never heard her laugh before. It sounded so beautiful. She noticed him staring at her and her cheeks grew a bright red whilst she chewed on her lip. How could she still feel shy when she was all naked and spread out beneath him? She was so perfect. So beautiful. He settled his elbows around her, and he cupped her cheek urging her to meet his eyes with her own.

“So beautiful.” He breathed out. So beautiful and perfect and his and it was unbelievable for a man like him to own a woman like her.

“No, I’m not!” She whined bringing her hands to her face, to hide her hot cheeks but he pulled her hands away.

“Yes, you are.” Zeke insisted. What was it with all these insecurities? He was going to make sure she forgot all about them because she was perfect, and she had to know. “You’re so beautiful, and perfect.” He ran his thumb across her lower lip. “I love you, Nathalie Burgess.”

Her heart fluttered and her eyes almost filled with tears. He loved her. Someone finally loved her. Someone finally told her those three words. That’s all she ever needed. That’s all she ever asked for. A gentle man to love and protect her. Be there for her to lean. And he had been this. He had given her this tenfold.

She smiled up at him happily and she wrapped her arms around his neck. “I love you too, Zeke Yeager.”

And he finally had someone to love him. He finally had someone to hold him and tell him that it was alright to kill all those people because he was simply trying to survive. It was either he did what Marley wanted, or they’d feed him to their chosen successor of the Beat Titan prematurely. His life wasn’t his own. It had never been. He just did what everybody would do in his place.

But this – her love for him, that was his own. That was probably the only meaningful thing he had ever owned.

He kissed her. He kissed her hard and sweet and he caught her legs, propping them around his waist whilst he explored her sweet mouth with his tongue. She sighed in bliss when he pressed himself to her wet hole before he started to push in. He pulled back to look at her. How she threw her head back and her lips parted in a silent cry. She was so tight, if it wasn’t for his gigantic ego, he would have cum on the spot.

He felt so good. Long and girthy, stretching her all he could, pushing all the way to the brim. So full. So complete. She buried her fingers in his hair, whilst he pressed kisses and bites on her neck. It wasn’t about showing to the world that she belonged to him. It was about marking his territory. She was his.

He planted a rough bite on her neck and she tensed beneath him. Her pussy clenched around him, asking him to give her another bite, and another, till she was bruised all over with marks of his teeth, his nails, his lips. He suckled on her white flesh and she let out the prettiest sounds whilst she messed up his hair.

He pulled back  pressed his forehead on top of her own. Bodies finally joined, and it felt so good. So blissful. The more blissful it was – the more painful it was going to be when it all crumbled. She wrapped her legs around his waist, keeping him there, unable to go anywhere, while she cupped his cheek, and her eyes met his own.

“Do you think… you can promise me… not to leave me?”

“That’s why I will never tell you I love you, because one day I will have to leave you.” She cried when Erwin told her this. But it didn’t really matter. It was always there – the fear of him leaving. Erwin had warned her. He always told her that one day he was going to leave. He was going to die. He was going to leave her back into this cruel world to face it all on her own. There was always the possibility of him leaving. There was always an uncertainty. A future that she’d carry on her own, without him.

Erwin had told her so many times, yet she had still chosen to hope that he wouldn’t go anywhere. She still hoped that he’d stay. She told herself she’d always be there to keep him alive. But she couldn’t even keep her own parents alive when they were dying in her arms. She had always been so useless. Her sole purpose on this earth – as a Burgess – was to keep people alive, but she couldn’t even do that.

So, this time, she wasn’t going to rely on herself to keep him alive. She was going to rely on him to keep himself alive because she was useless and whatever she’d try, it wouldn’t work.

“The vaccine works. It’ll relieve you off the Beast. You’ll get your life back, but please…” Tears gathered in her eyes, and she shook her head. “I don’t think I can handle to lose another man.”

His eyes widened. So, he could get his life back. He really could. She was brilliant, wasn’t she? “Then I’m not going anywhere.”

And just like that, with Zeke, the fear of him leaving was gone. Maybe she could get the happiness she so much craved for with this man. Maybe she finally had someone reliable to love her.

He pressed his forehead against her own. “You’re what I look forward to.”

Notes:

How do you think Erwin will react when he finds out HIS WIFE slept with his murderer? LMFAO

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

“You never told us you have a family, Chief!” Porco looked more than surprised. Why keep them hidden all this time?

“Oh no, w- we’re not-”
“Married! Yes, we’re not- m- married-”
“Y- Yes, E- Eddie’s n- not my- my- uh- son-”

Eddie huffed boringly. Both mom and papa Zeke were babbling like idiots.

Chapter 92: A Taste of Happiness Pt. 1

Notes:

this was supposed to be a 6k word chapter but i split it into pt 1 and pt 2 lmao

zeke fluff coming your way sorry yall BUT ERWIN AND NAT'S REUNION IS THREE CHAPTERS AWAY

and sorry to the rivetra anon i still haven't written the third part of the rivetra sideplot i focused too much on daddy erwin and daddy zeke BUT I'LL WRITE IT and post it soon😭😭😭

Marley’s streets were not as busy as they were in the mornings. Zeke had taken another chance to take out both Nathalie and little Eddie this time. It almost felt like back then when his parents took him to the capital of Marley for the first time. His father, holding him, a five-year-old boy back then, and his mother by his side. But now, it was Zeke holding little Eddie in his arms whilst Nathalie followed with a smile on her face. He never thought he’d hold a child in his arms, much less a child that he called his own. He loved Eddie with his entire being, just as much as he loved his mother.

“Papa Zeke! Ice cream, ice cream, ice cream!” Eddie patted his little hands on Zeke’s shoulders and Zeke chuckled. He held one arm around him, keeping him propped on his chest, and the other was wrapped in Nathalie’s arms. She clung to his side whilst they walked down the street.

“I got it.” Nathalie placed a kiss on Zeke’s cheek before she ventured towards the man selling ice cream.

It was afternoon now. The sun was beginning to hide behind the horizon. The shop owners were beginning to put out grills and all kinds of tasty dinners for the people to stop by and buy. It smelled of food and the continuous buzz of cars ceased. The stars were beginning to show from above and Nathalie had about three hours left to stay outside and away from the asylum. She was going to cherish them, because soon enough, Zeke was to be sent to some other war that Marley was waging against a smaller country. He hated it, but right now, he was happy.

Nathalie met his grandparents today. They absolutely loved her. Of course, they didn’t tell them that she was a Burgess, bound to lose her mind and go insane. Zeke wanted his grandparents to be happy and it would only sadden them if they found out that he had fallen for a woman that he would eventually lose to insanity.

They loved little Eddie too. It was surprising that they didn’t mind their grandson to meddle with a slightly older, widowed woman who already had a son. She told them her husband was one of the Eldian soldiers that died in one of Marley’s wars. It wasn’t too far from the truth.

Marley killed her Erwin as well.

But now, it felt like she was moving on. Meeting Zeke’s grandparents and tasting his grandmother’s exquisite cooking.

“I’m here for you, darling, whatever you need.” Zeke’s grandmother had told her, holding her hand, looking at her with that motherly look in her eyes. Nathalie almost started crying because she hadn’t had a motherly figure in so long. It almost reminded her of her mom.

And instead of actually forming an answer, Nathalie pulled her into a tight hug. The old woman chuckled and held her tight. They were both wonderful people, and it was no wonder that they had raised a man like Zeke.

Maybe Nathalie was finally moving on.

It felt… nice. Sure, there was still some guilt because loving another man was betraying her love for Erwin, but it had been three years. It wasn’t too much, but it wasn’t too few either. It had been three years and sometimes she was still mourning for her dead husband, but she wanted to allow herself to be happy. Zeke was giving her things Erwin never gave her.

Certainty. Reliability. Safety.

She felt safe knowing that he’d find his way back to her no matter what happened, no matter what war he was sent to fight. He had promised her to stay alive. He had promised her he was never going to leave her. She trusted him. He loved her. She loved him. Why keep clinging onto the past and not just focus on the present? He made Eddie happy. He made her happy.

Nathalie had just finished her ice cream, and so did Eddie. She paused their walking, pulling out her handkerchief, licking the edge, wetting it slightly so that she could wipe the chocolate off of her son’s lips and chin.

“Somebody’s made a mess.” Zeke grinned as he watched Eddie frown at his mom’s ministrations.

“It’s not my fault it melts so fast!” Eddie protested.

“Then try eating it before it melts.” Nathalie grinned and Eddie frowned.

“Mommy, do you want me to get a throat ache?!”

She giggled. “I wouldn’t dream of it, darling.” She pressed a kiss on his nose, and he giggled cutely. Nathalie wrapped her arm around Zeke’s again before the two of them began walking down the street again. She allowed her head to roll down on Zeke’s shoulder while Zeke began answering all of Eddie’s curious questions of what’s this, what’s that pointing at random places all around their surroundings.

“What’s your favourite colour?” Eddie asked, clutching on his monkey teddy, looking up at Zeke curiously.

Zeke grimaced. He hadn’t really thought about it. It wasn’t like he ever had the time to think about it. “Well…”

“Mine’s blue!” Eddie couldn’t wait long enough to speak up his own preference and Zeke chuckled. That’s right. Blue.

Zeke looked down at Nathalie’s head that was resting on his shoulder and her pretty eyes met his own. “I’m thinking blue is my favourite too.”

Her cheeks grew a bright red right away and she giggled. It wasn’t just any blue. It was the Burgess blue that he liked. The very bright one. The early morning summer sky blue.

“Right?! It goes with everything!”

Eddie was wearing that light blue shirt and pants set that she had gotten for him the previous time Zeke had taken her out to town.

Eddie gasped. “Did you know there are blue caterpillars too?!”

Zeke gasped in fake surprise. “You don’t say!”

“Yes! Let me tell you all about their life cycle…”

Oh boy. When Eddie started talking about biology – especially entomology, he never stopped talking. He didn’t even notice them share a look. Nathalie chuckled awkwardly as Eddie started talking all about the life cycle of the Blue Morpho Butterfly.

“I think he’s going to study Entomology.” Zeke said at a low tone leaning at Nathalie and she cringed nodding.

“Oh boy, I’m afraid so.”

Nathalie sometimes wondered what Erwin would say about that. Was Erwin going to let his son study something entirely different from what Erwin did? Or was Erwin going to force his son into the military and politics for the betterment of the world? She always wondered. Maybe he would do the latter. But he was no longer there now.

Nathalie smiled and she shook her head. It made her happy to see how excited and smiley Eddie was whilst he talked about the things he liked.

“So long as it makes him happy.” Nathalie tightened her hold around Zeke’s arm, and he looked down at her. So clingy. So needy. He loved it.

He nodded though. Eddie was still talking on and on about it. “I agree.”

And just like that he answered her another question. Zeke would let little Eddie do whatever made him happy. Of all people, Zeke knew how it felt being forced to do things he didn’t want. His parents had forced him to carry the weight of an entire race ever since he was a ten-year-old boy. He knew what that pressure felt like. He would never inflict it on anyone else, lest Eddie.

“I love you.” Nathalie said out of nowhere and his smile faded. His heart fluttered. He laced their fingers together and he looked down at her. He wanted to kiss her. Her pretty lips were parted, plush and pink. Perfect.

God, he loved her more than anything. “I love you too, Nat.”

She smiled brightly. She could never get enough of it. Telling someone she loved them and having them saying it back. She needed more of it. Maybe that’s why she was clutching on him so tight. Who knew this man could make her so happy? He wanted to kiss her and fuck it if they were in a public place. He didn’t care. For all he knew Erwin could be somewhere around the street and he’d see them, but he didn’t care. She was his. She was his to kiss and love and hold and protect.

His sweet Nathalie.

“…Are you two listening to me?!” Eddie cried out, snapping them both out of it.

“Of course, we are, kiddo!” Zeke’s smile returned as he turned to look at Eddie.

“Oh, really?! Then how long does it take for a Blue Morpho caterpillar to get from egg to butterfly?!”

Zeke parted his lips to make something up. “Uh…”

“One hundred and fifteen!” Nathalie made a quick dive in the memories of an entomologist Burgess from the past.

Eddie looked at her for a moment, clearly not quite convinced. “Correct, but you cheated!” He pointed a finger at her accusingly and she gasped.

“No, I didn’t!”

“Yes, you did, momma!”

This conversation went on for a while and Zeke just laughed amusingly. Two Burgesses – the most brilliant people on this planet – fighting over caterpillar biology.

“Chief!” A voice came from behind and Zeke turned around to see Porco, Colt, and Pieck waving at them and approaching them. Under normal circumstances, Zeke would mentally frown upon seeing them, but right now, he was happy. He wasn’t planning to go along with the Euthanisation Plan, and he was no longer planning to turn against them.

Besides, he had known those people ever since they were kids. He had been the big brother they never had. So, Zeke gave them a smile and so did Nathalie. Judging from their armbands, they must have been the other Warriors.

“You never told us you have a family, Chief!” Colt looked more than surprised. Why keep them hidden all this time?

“We thought you trusted us, Chief!” Porco propped his arms on his waist, and he frowned like some pissed off old lady.

“Oh no, w- we’re not-”

“Married! Yes, we’re not- m- married-”

“Y- Yes, E- Eddie’s n- not my- my- uh- son-”

Eddie huffed boringly. Both mom and papa Zeke were babbling like idiots. Eddie couldn’t quite yet understand what they were so embarrassed about, but he rolled his eyes, and shut their mouths with his little hands.

“What momma and papa Zeke are trying to say is that my real papa died a long time ago, but that’s okay because now papa Zeke is here.” Eddie said in the cutest way possible, and Zeke tried his hardest not to start crying.

That’s okay, because now papa Zeke is here. Zeke pressed a kiss on Eddie’s little palm that was still pressed against his lips, and he tried to keep it together. “You little brainiac, I love you.”

“Brainiac?! What does that even mean?!” Eddie turned his attention back at Zeke who began explaining and Nathalie giggled before turning her attention back at the warriors. All three of them seemed so very surprised to see Zeke being so close to happiness. Had they never seen this man smile? Or even showing any emotion at all besides cockiness? Probably.

“He’s so cute!” Pieck hands clenched into fists trying her best not to launch on Eddie’s fluffy cheeks.

“I’m Nathalie, and this is my son Edward.” Nathalie introduced herself.

“Isn’t he a little too young to be able and speak so fluently?!” Porco looked at the kid, arching an eyebrow.

“He’s…” Zeke shared a look with Nathalie first and after she nodded, he finally said it. Zeke seemed to trust those kids, so why not? “…he’s a Burgess.”

“I thought the name Nathalie was familiar.” Pieck nodded, turning her attention at Nathalie. “You’re a Burgess. The Burgess we retrieved from Paradis.”

Nathalie nodded. “I surrendered, willingly.”

Sometimes she wondered what would have happened if she hadn’t surrendered. What would happen if she had just killed them all and chosen to return home with her husband? She would have probably killed Erwin without realising. She could have killed Hange, or Levi, or Moblit, or Eren. She was dangerous.

Being in the asylum was dangerous for her life – in case they started experimenting on the Burgesses out of nowhere – but it wasn’t dangerous for the others. The nurses restrained her and tied her down when she’d lose control. They had all the right anaesthetics to inject her with. They had all the medicine she needed to help her cling onto what was left of her sanity.

Back on Paradis, she wouldn’t have any of that. She would have probably gone insane far faster than it was happening to her now. Maybe it was painful to leave everything behind – the life she knew, the friends she loved, her home – but maybe it was the right choice. Everybody she cared about from back home, they were safe from her. So long as she wasn’t with them, they were safe. It was painful and heartbreaking, but they were safe.

“Oh right, you Burgesses got the condition.” Porco rubbed his chin.

“Don’t tell me you had forgotten all about it.” Colt arched an eyebrow.

“She seems fine to me…” Porco took a better look at Nathalie, leaning closer to her and Zeke snuck between them, making sure he pulled away.

“Nat, this is Pieck, the carrier of the Cart Titan, Porco, the carrier of the Jaw Titan, and Colt. My chosen successor.” Zeke introduced them both and Eddie looked confusedly up at Zeke.

“Successor?” Eddie asked and Zeke bit the inside of his cheek.

Nathalie felt a shiver ran up her spine. Zeke already had a chosen successor. That was the boy that was going to be turned into a titan and devour Zeke in about a year from now. And Zeke, didn’t really know how to explain it to the little boy. Eddie had already lost his father, and there was a high chance he’d lose Zeke too.

No. We have a plan. Zeke reminded himself that he and Nathalie were planning to run. It would happen one of those days now. Maybe next week, next weekend. Sometime now. Nathalie was waiting for the chance to peek on the nurses’ and security’s schedule. She was to run when she’d get the chance. When the guards of the asylum weren’t looking. Not only that, but she also had to run with Eddie in one arm, a suitcase in the other.

They still had some planning to do, but it would happen within this month. Zeke wasn’t going to wait around to fight more of Marley’s wars. He wasn’t going to wait around to be send to some other poor country that he was going to destroy with his scream and his titans.

He didn’t want anymore of this. He wanted no part in this war. This war had exhausted him.

Once they’d make it out of Marley, then they’d work out a plan to get the vaccine for Zeke. Maybe Zeke would have to negotiate with Paradis, after all, or Nathalie could fix it for him if they somehow got their hands on pure titan spinal fluid.

But that was a plan that could wait. For now, making sure to put their little family to safety was their top priority. Nathalie was a potential Burgess test subject – she wasn’t safe and neither was Eddie – being the only Burgess who had been born without being infested by that mind-breaking parasite. Zeke had to take them both out of Marley and somewhere far away to safety.

Yes, we have a plan. Zeke wasn’t going to die. He couldn’t die. Not when he knew Nathalie and Eddie needed him.

“You see…” Zeke started to explain as he turned at the kid. Nathalie was too busy panicking internally, thinking about losing him right now. He did not expect her to speak and give the definition of the chosen successor.

Colt seemed to tense up. That little boy was clutching tightly on Zeke’s shirt. Zeke was the only father he had and Colt was going to take him from him one day. Pieck looked down. It wasn’t like they had a choice. Marley was forcing many things on them. All the warriors were going to be devoured one day. Herself included. Porco frowned deeply and ran a hand through his dirty blonde hair. It was a mess. Sometimes he wondered whether he hated Marley or whether he was actually fighting for it, hoping for Marley to one day treat Eldians – his people as equals.

All three of the warriors seemed to teeter on the thin edge of betraying Marley one day in the not-so-distant future. They had shortened their lives for it and all they got in return was wars and injuries, and massive pain.

“…when I get… promoted…” Zeke continued explaining. “…Colt is going to take my place.”

“Ooh! So, is Mr Colt going to become a War Chief one day?” Eddie asked obliviously and Zeke smiled at him and nodded.

“Exactly!”

Maybe when Colt took away the life of that boy’s dad, he’d continue Zeke’s role as Eddie’s father to atone for it. He might as well start now. “Hey, kid,” Colt gave Eddie a bright smile. “How about I get you some ice cream?”

“Yay! Ice cream!”

“No! You’ve had two today!” Nathalie snapped out of it, turning at her little babyboy who had that bright smile on his lips. His smile warmed her heart, and she was almost willing to give in and let him have that third cone of ice cream that he loved so much.

“But I like ice cream!”

“You’ll get a bellyache, sweetheart!” Nathalie pulled him from Zeke’s arms and supported him on her chest. She pressed kisses on his cheeks, and he leaned against his mom needily. She giggled. Her sweet little boy. She loved him so much.

They’d switch holding him up with Zeke. It wasn’t like Eddie hadn’t yet learned how to walk, but he was still so little, and she was scared of losing him or having him get hurt. He wasn’t too heavy to carry all around Marley anyway. 

“Alright, how about some grilled goods I saw down the street?” Porco suggested.

“Wait, is it even alright for him to eat meat?” Pieck asked.

“Well, we’ve had meat before, haven’t we?” Nathalie pulled back to look at Eddie who nodded frantically.

“And it’s deliiiicious!”

“Alright then!” Colt picked him up from Nathalie’s arms and Eddie giggled, grabbing a hold of Colt’s white shirt and he looked up at him.

“You look like papa Zeke but without a beard.” Eddie stated curiously and Colt laughed.

“Well, he’ll grow a beard when he grows up.” Porco ruffled Colt’s hair and Colt frowned.

“Hey!”

“We’ll be just over there.” Pieck pointed at a bench laid out nearby that offered all kinds of food and Nathalie looked up at Zeke. He nodded at her, letting her know that it was okay to leave Eddie to Pieck, Porco and Colt for a while.

“Alright, Zeke trusts you three, so, I trust you too.” Nathalie nodded and smiled at Pieck. “Just don’t let him eat too much, alright?”

Zeke chuckled. So overprotective. She was an extraordinary mother. He wrapped an arm around her waist and tugged her closer to his side. “Don’t worry, they’re responsible kids. Who do you think raised them?” Zeke smirked as they watched all three of them walk away with Eddie.

Nathalie laughed. “You were – what? Sixteen?”

“And an excellent big brother.” Zeke’s smirk grew and she giggled.

“I’ll bet.”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

actually it's more zeke fluff before it all comes to ruins LMAO cuz why not blow holes on a ship that just started to sail, am I right

Chapter 93: A Taste of Happiness Pt. 2

Notes:

TYSM FOR THE AWESOME SUPPORT i see i failed to make y'all simp for zeke lmao BUT THAT'S OK cuz the love for daddy erwin is stronger than ever (i think)

Nathalie allowed him to resume their walking. She wrapped her arm around his own and let him take her down the street. There was music coming from a band just around the corner. He was curious to see what they were playing or whether there were any couples dancing.

It was beautiful at this hour. It was night, and there were lanterns hanging in the streets from streetlight to streetlight. There were people all around. Couples with kids and old people. There was food, there was chatter, there was laughter. There was life. It was all making it so easier for her to ignore the voices inside her mind.

But Nathalie’s mind got stuck on Colt, Pieck and Porco. “They’re good people.”

She spoke after a while, and he looked down at her and he immediately realised she was talking about the three warriors that were just on the opposite side of the street with Eddie. She looked at them whilst they laughed and talked to Eddie and fed him the food that Porco paid for.

“That they are.” Zeke said. His smile faded. “We all are.” Everyone inside the Internment Zones – they were all good people who had suffered and kept suffering.

Nathalie looked up at him and guilt formed a pit in her stomach. He fought for his people. He fought a lot. He set an entire plan in motion for them – whether it was right or wrong, immoral, or moral – he did try. He tried his best but she put an end to that plan. She was forcing him to flee. She was forcing him to run whilst all he wanted to do was fight. Stay and fight.

“Zeke…” Nathalie paused their walking and she stepped in front of him to catch his attention and talk to him. “…I don’t want to force anything on you. Do you… understand that?”

He looked at her confusedly. “What are you talking about, Nat?”

She never forced anything on him. She was probably the only person he’d ever met in his life who had never forced him into something that he didn’t want. When everyone else used him for his royal blood, his Eldian heritage, the titan that he had inherited – she was the only one who hadn’t used him – who would never use him.

“These are your people. You had set a plan to help them. Everything you ever did in your life was for the sole purpose of helping them, and I’m…” she couldn’t believe she was doing this. She couldn’t believe she was clinging on him so hard – forcing him to feel this sense of responsibility for her and her son. She was merely doing to him what everyone did to him. “…I’m pushing you away from them, Zeke. I’m pushing you away from your home, from the fight, from everything you have tried so hard to achieve. I’m making you feel committed and bound to me a- and Eddie has grown to love you so much- I- I’ve trapped you, Zeke, I- I never meant for this, I- I’m so sorry- I’m so sorry-”

“Sssh,” Zeke gripped her hair, forcing her to bury her face in his neck, his chest.

She clutched on him tightly and she let out a soft sob. She wiped her tears immediately. She couldn’t believe it had taken her so long to realise that. How did he still love her? She must have been such a burden. She wouldn’t blame him if he left her in the asylum tonight and he never visited her again.

“I’m tired, Nathalie.”

One of the rare times he spoke her full name. He caressed her beautiful wavy hair, her back. He wrapped his arms around her and he pressed her against him. She wept again and he realised she had taken the wrong message. He wasn’t tired of her.

“I’m tired of the war. I’m tired of the fight. I’m tired of trying to impress everyone and satisfy their expectations.” He pulled back to look at her beautiful, teary eyes. She was so beautiful even when she was crying. He wiped the tears away from her cheeks. “But the only expectation you have of me… is to stay alive.” He pressed a kiss on her forehead. “You’re not forcing me into anything, my love. I willingly carry your weight because I love you.” He pressed his forehead against her own and her pretty eyes met his own. “And I love you because you’re what I look forward to.”

She’d never felt warmer. Her chest tingled with newfound affection. The pit in her stomach was entirely gone. Her tears dried off to the night breeze.

“Zeke…” she had no idea what she was trying to say. She wasn’t really planning to say anything. Was it gratitude that was trying to express? Maybe not.

Maybe she just wanted to speak his name, because it always rolled so beautifully down her lips, and he always loved hearing it. His arms tightened around her, and his eyes focused on her lips. Pretty, plush and pink. Parted. Always parted for him to slip his tongue right in and claim her mouth.

She was his. Entirely his. His pretty little Nathalie. His woman. His sweet little woman that he loved so much. So small and helpless in his grasp. But when she cupped his cheeks – she always made him just as helpless.

“Tell me you love me.” He brushed his rough thumb across her bottom lip, feeling how soft, how tender, how beautiful it was. He almost sounded desperate. It was a request that she could not deny, and she could never deny. Maybe Zeke was all she wanted. Maybe Zeke was what she had so desperately tried to see in Erwin.

But Erwin was gone now. He wasn’t just dead. He was just gone. Gone from her heart, her mind, her life, her past. He was the past. Zeke was the future. Erwin was her nightmares. Zeke was her dreams. No man would love her like this. Erwin had never loved her like this. He never would no matter what she’d try. But with Zeke? She didn’t have to try at all. He required nothing of her. The only thing he required, was her smile.

“I love you, Zeke.” She tightened her arms around his shoulders, bringing her chest flush against his own. “I love you so much, kiss me, please… kiss me, I-”

He kissed her. He kissed her hard and he tightened his arms around her, and he didn’t care that they were in public. It was undignified to do more than just hold hands when in a public place like this, but he didn’t care. He kissed her and he tasted her sweet taste. He tasted her need, her desperation, the lust. He buried his fingers in her hair, pulling her closer. As close as possible.

Mine.

He pulled back to look at her. At that hazy look in her eyes. At that smile on her pink, wet lips. He could look at her for hours and he’d never get tired of it. But his eye caught some Marleyan officers down the street and he couldn’t risk kissing her again. So, he brought her hand up and he pressed a kiss at the back of her palm.

She smiled and she cupped his cheek. “My sweet man.”

Honestly, if she kept staring at him like this, he’d kiss her again and they’d get into big trouble. He had to change the subject entirely. He pulled on her hand, and he guided her towards the couples that were dancing in the midst of the street. There were two men, one was playing an accordion, and the other was playing a violin. It sounded like tango.

“Do you dance?” Zeke asked and her eyes widened.

“I- I w- well, I did dance uh… once…” her cheeks grew a bright red and she got flustered and worked up so fast, it was adorable.

He pulled on her hand powerfully, making her crush on his chest with a yelp. She burst into giggles, and he wrapped an arm around her, the other held her own.

“Dance with me, Dr Burgess.” Zeke said playfully. The previous piece had just finished with a triumphant finale, and soon, the next piece would start.

Her cheeks grew an even darker shade of red and she bit her lip. “I… I don’t think I know how to dance tango…”

He shrugged. “Me neither.”

She laughed. Great. It was amazing how he was so calm about it. Getting embarrassed was the worst thing that could happen to her. She hated embarrassment more than anything – being the stupid perfectionist that she was. But Zeke couldn’t care less about what other people thought. She needed that.

“Let’s ridicule ourselves together. How does that sound?” Zeke grinned, pressing a kiss at the base of her wrist.

“Terrible!” She laughed though and he laughed with her, that until he flipped her body around without her even realising, until her back slammed to his chest and his breath was on her ear.

The piece had just started, and his arms were all around her. “I hear tango is all about passion…” he spoke lowly against her ear and their smiles faded instantly. All she could focus on right now was his arms. One hand held her hip, slipping up towards her belly, and the other reached for her throat, grabbing a hold on it, and suddenly her mouth felt dry, her tongue heavy. “…and passion… we got a lot, sweetheart.”

Maybe he could not kiss her in public. He could not hold her too tightly nor for too long. But he could dance with her the most passionate of dances. Sex was a dance as well. A private, intimate dance in the dark, and tango was the only public imitation he could put on display right now. It wasn’t too fast of a tango so it wasn’t too demanding. Zeke didn’t really know how to dance tango, but he had picked a few basic stuff.

He had had many partners before.

But Nathalie seemed to know more than she was letting out. Her feet started moving on their own accord. She had no idea what she was doing, she just knew that she was doing it right. Only then did she realise that she didn’t really have anybody to teach her how to waltz, but she still did it with Erwin that night. Maybe dancing was like writing and reading and cooking.

It was implanted knowledge in a Burgess’s mind.

She flipped her body to face his own at the very next beat of the piece, and she hooked her leg around his hip, using it to anchor herself whilst she threw her body back. He tightened his arm around her, making sure she wouldn’t fall. But fuck, she was so beautiful like this. Small flexible body for him to bend and twist all around.

She pulled herself back up, wrapping her one arm entirely around his shoulders, whilst she laced a foot around his own and as if in sync he released his leg, pulling in front of her own. They didn’t even have to look at each other’s legs. They moved on their own. All he had to do was look at her. She would have been so beautiful if she wore something different too. Something that would allow her pretty leg to slip out every time she hooked it around his waist.

But even with that overworn black, long skirt and that white shirt – even with messy brown hair and nerdy glasses – she was the most pretty little thing he had ever laid eyes on. He spun her body and pulled her back against him, lacing his arm around her, keeping her trapped against him. She threw her head on his shoulder, her back against his chest. Her neck, only an inch away from his lips.

“So beautiful.” He mumbled against her ear, and she giggled.

“You’re not bad yourself, Mr Yeager.”

She turned to face him again, urging him to make a few steps back whilst she made a few steps forward.

“I’ll leave my car back for you.” Zeke said out of nowhere and only then did she realise what was actually happening.

There were Marleyan soldiers in the street, having a look around, it was their shift. Many soldiers patrolled the streets for possible Eldians to have snuck within their beloved Capital from the Internment Zones. He couldn’t talk to her about their plan of escape without them listening, and the only way to avoid that, was dance nearby the loud music.

“Next Friday night…” Zeke stole a look at the soldiers, making sure they were far away “…you’ll sneak out with Eddie, and you’ll drive my car to the Tybur Train Station. We’ll take the midnight train to Port Slava.”

Nathalie nodded. The piece had just ended.

“Can you drive my car?”

Zeke brought her hand up, to press a kiss on her wrist but most importantly, to hide his moving lips while the people clapped at the finale of the song and at the rest of the couples that had danced. But neither of them cared. All she could look at right now was him.

Nathalie nodded. “I’ll figure it out. I’ve watched you drive. Shouldn’t be too hard.”

Zeke hugged her, hiding his face in her shoulder. His lips moved against her earlobe as he spoke. “I’m being sent tomorrow to the eastern independent provinces that Marley’s planning to vanquish. I will be back by Friday. We leave the same night. You, me…” he pulled back to look at her “…and our son.”

Her eyes widened and tears started to form. They had their own little family, didn’t they? They were going to be free. They were going to escape this war for good. She parted her lips. She wanted to tell him she loved him. She wanted to tell him that he made her so happy and that she couldn’t wait for them to finally leave this wretched country for good.

But the officers approached them, and Zeke immediately threw an arm around her, forcing her to stand behind him protectively.

“War Chief Zeke Yeager.” One of them seemed high ranked but Zeke’s annoying little smirk returned on his lips. It was his landmark grin that he always had on his face when he was trying to hide what he really thought and felt.

“Anything I can help you with, Commander Klaus?”

The man looked at Nathalie who was standing behind Zeke, but she didn’t seem intimidated by him. He chuckled.

“Dr Burgess has about one hour left. Make sure to get her to the asylum before the deadline. Understood?” It was a warning. Zeke couldn’t tell what the hell the man’s point was, but it was certainly no good.

“Of course, sir.” Zeke saluted him, before wrapping an arm around her and taking her away. “If you’ll excuse us.”

Once they were far enough from that man, Nathalie let out a breath she had been holding all that time.

“You’re safe.” Zeke whispered reassuringly in her ear as the two of them watched, Pieck, Porco and Colt return with a very talkative Eddie in Pieck’s arms this time. “I’d never let anything happen to you… to either of you.”

She smiled at him. All her worries disappeared. “I know. I love you for it.”

༻◊۞◊༺

One Week Later

Today was the day. They were going to run today. Nathalie considered this as the last day of struggle. After this, she had a life to live with the man she loved and her son. Their son. After today, she was starting a new chapter in her life. It was going to be the life she had sought after for so long. All she ever wanted was normality. A normal life with someone to share it with, and a family. She was grateful for Zeke, because he was giving her what Erwin had denied her for so long. She had only known Zeke for a few years, but he had still given her everything.

She had known Erwin for her entire life, and all he ever gave her was heartache. Pain. Loss. Suffering. Struggling.

But that was all over now. After today, she’d be happy. She’d be happy for the rest of her life. Nathalie felt optimistic more than she had ever felt before in her life. She shouldn’t rush though. She wasn’t completely out of harm’s way yet. Nathalie had checked the schedules of the asylum’s security guards. She had checked when they changed shifts and when she’d get enough time to slip out of the building and get to Zeke’s car. It had been parked right outside, along with the cars owned by the staff and the psychiatrists and nurses.

She had to do it all fast and unseen.

“Do we sneak out today, mommy?” Eddie asked, keeping his voice down.

He was sitting on their bed, watching her as she gathered some of their clothes – mostly his own, in a suitcase. All patients had a brown, leather suitcase resting beneath their beds in case they had to be moved somewhere else. Nathalie found their own and she gathered the clothing that was necessary. She was doing it fast. A nurse could walk in any moment and if she saw her filling up that suitcase, then everything would have been ruined.

Still, Nathalie smiled at her son. Her movements, rushed. She didn’t even bother tidying up the clothes. But she had to make sure Eddie felt safe no matter what happened. Her baby’s safety was her top priority.

“Yes, darling. We’re gonna meet papa Zeke at the train station and he’s gonna take us far from here.” Nathalie smiled, still, keeping her voice down.

She turned and looked at his toys that were scattered all over the floor and every available surface of their small, shared room and she sighed. They couldn’t take them all. She gathered the suitcase, half closed and hid it beneath their bed again. She sat beside him at the edge of the bed, and she pulled her little babyboy in her arms. She pressed kisses on his cheeks, and he giggled. He buried his little face in her neck and his little hands balled into fists around her white shirt.

“My sweet baby.” Nathalie smiled, holding him tightly against her. She pressed a kiss on his temple and buried her fingers in his blonde hair, pressing him closer to her. If anything happened to her – if something happened tonight and they failed to escape and they caught her and they experimented on her or killed her – he should know that his mom loved him. He should know that he was her reason to smile, her reason to live. Her reason to cling onto her sanity for as much as she could. “I love you so much… you know that?”

“Of course, I do.” He buried his face deeper into the crook of her neck, nuzzling his face in her chest, right above the neckline of her buttoned shirt. He closed his blue eyes, resting against her. “I love you too, mommy.”

She held him for a while. She stared blankly on the at the window. The afternoon sunlight was coming in, but she wasn’t really thinking of something in particular. She just thought about how much she loved her little baby. She buried her nose in his hair and shut her eyes, caressing his back. Maybe being optimistic for once in her life – it was a bad idea. Maybe it was going to backfire in the worst possible way.

But for now, she held him tightly. She couldn’t think like this. She had to be optimistic for the sake of her sanity that was already hanging from a pretty thin thread. Everything’s going to be alright. She told herself. She should be radiating with surety and reassurance because her baby needed to feel safe and reassured.

Nathalie smile and she pulled back to look at him, cupping his fluffy cheek. “Now, now, you need to choose what your favourite toy is, so that we can take it with us.”

“The monkey!” Eddie cried out immediately and she laughed. He hadn’t let go of that old teddy ever since Zeke gave it to him. Maybe it was more about sentimental value than it was about how pretty the toy was. It was old and withered and torn in some areas, but Nathalie had managed to sew it back in shape when Zeke handed it to them.

“You really love papa Zeke, don’t you?” Nathalie smiled at him brightly. Her heart was thrumming hard in so much happiness. It was absurd how happy she was.

“Of course, I do! He’s so fun, and cool, and nice!”

She laughed. “I agree!”

“Do you love papa Zeke too, mommy?”

“I do. I love him so much.” Nathalie pressed a kiss on his forehead and he giggled. “But I love you more.”

“Yay! I knew it!”

༻◊۞◊༺

Zeke was waiting. It was midnight. The train would leave any minute. A suitcase at hand. It was so unlike him to put on a dark grey fedora hat. But he needed to hide his face. He had three tickets, but he was the only one there. All the other passengers had gotten on the train. It was ready to disembark and start a long ride away from Marley, into some other country.

It was raining – no, it was storming.

Where are they? He had left his car back for her. She’d take it and they’d make it to the train station. That was the plan. She’d sneak out. Unless, she didn’t make it.

Unless they caught them. If the security of the asylum had caught her, what were they going to do to her? Where going to experiment on her? She wasn’t abandoning him. No, Zeke knew she’d never abandon him. Nathalie loved him. He knew that. Both she and their son – they loved him. They were a family. A family that was threatened to break by everyone around them.

Zeke watched the train leave. The heavy raindrops splashed on his hat and made a mess of his grey coat. He had his hands tucked in his pockets. The tickets were now drenched in water. His suitcase laid on the floor beside him. He watched the train leave and he realised, they weren’t coming. They wouldn’t escape this madness today. Maybe they’d never escape it. Maybe they just weren’t meant to escape it. They were meant to be trapped in this hell forever.

Maybe a happy ending was never meant for them.

Some people just aren’t meant to be happy.

Somehow, he’d always known he was one of them.

Zeke wanted to light up a cigarette. He couldn’t though. It was raining loud and powerful. He stared blankly at the other side of the train station. There was no one left there now. Just him, sitting in the rain, still waiting. There was no other train to take. Their chance to run was gone.

He’d have to go back to the military HQ now and he had to pretend that his hopes and dreams hadn’t just gotten trampled all over. It was foolish of him to hope for something better in the first place.

No. They had done something to her.

Zeke ran. He ran like a madman. They had done something to her. They had done something to their son. They had caught them.

He had to find them. He had to save them.

He had to keep them safe.

He had to. They were all he had. He wouldn’t let Marley take them away too. Marley had taken away his life. His parents. His sanity.

Not them.

Not them.

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chapter:

She was in a lab, and she was tied down.

She was a test subject.

“My son!” Nathalie cried out. “Where is my son?! What did you do to him?! Where are you keeping him?!” Her hands fisted and she jerked them again. Another fruitless effort to escape.

Chapter 94: Watching it all Crumble

Notes:

This chapter is fucked up but

it's also a masterpiece

TRIGGER WARNINGS: description of a lobotomy, human experimentation, if eyes disgust you, don't read this chapter lmfao

I know y'all are here for the romance but uh

nope

Mozart's Don Giovanni Opera, Act II, Scene 5

Her vision was blurry. She heard many people talking, but she couldn’t make out what they were saying at first. Her head buzzed, and of course, it did. They had knocked her unconscious. Her eyes snapped open at the realisation.

They caught her. She had tried to run away but they caught her. They caught her little boy too. Nathalie’s body shook.

She jerked her limbs, trying to urge herself to wake up, to move, to do something. Anything to break out and find her son. Her babyboy. What had they done to him?! Her eyes widened and she looked all around her surroundings. It was a lab. She was in a lab and there were many people there. Many scientists dressed in white lab coats. She looked down at her body. They had changed her clothes. She was wearing a simple gown that barely reached her knees. They had unclothed her.

She felt sick. But what was most frightening, was that her hands and her feet were bound to an upright chair. There was the blinding white light of a lamp right above her head. She jerked her limbs, trying to break free, but she couldn’t. She was tied in tight leather to the chair on all her limbs. She couldn’t move. She couldn’t break free. She breathed hard now. She started panicking.

She was in a lab, and she was tied down.

She was a test subject.

Her life was worth no more than a rat now.

“She’s awake!” One of the scientists said. Cables were connected to her arms, and she had no idea what they were. Were they picking her vitals?

“Nathalie Burgess.”

A familiar voice came from behind and her eyes widened, and she looked up at the man who approached her. It was her psychiatrist.

“What is the meaning of this?!” Nathalie cried out. “Let me go!”

He took off his glasses. He had a smile on his face that he was trying to hold back. Was it satisfaction? Was he getting off on experimenting on humans against their will? Nathalie gritted her teeth. She’d either pull out some clever way to talk herself out of this, or she’d be forced to let them do whatever sick experiment they were planning to do to her.

“Everyone.” The man turned at his team of scientists and they turned their attention at him. “Give me and the subject a moment.”

The subject.

She was but a mere rat, wasn’t she? She knew this would happen. She thought she’d escape though. But nothing she ever planned was going accordingly. She should have learned that by now. The other scientists left them two alone. A chilling thought crept up her mind. What if they were doing the same to her son? What if they had tied down her sweet little boy somewhere, experimenting on him?! He was the only unaffected Burgess. He was making a fine test-subject, wasn’t he?

“My son!” Nathalie cried out. “Where is my son?! What did you do to him?! Where are you keeping him?!” Her hands fisted and she jerked them again. Another fruitless effort to escape.

The man did not answer right away. He headed straight towards one of the monitors and he started typing down on the keyboard. It was all Burgess technology. It was computers and devices that the world wasn’t yet ready for. But now that the Burgesses were all… compromised, that technology fell in Marley’s hands. If that was the case, then he shouldn’t be using that computer as easily as he did. Just a few years are not enough time to learn to use something that the world has never seen. Laptops, and devices, and large monitors with large keyboards.

“You’re the spitting image of your mother.” The man said and her eyes widened.

“Who are you?!” He was more than just Dr Stewart a mere psychiatrist, wasn’t he? He knew her mother.

He chuckled and he finally approached her. His brown eyes met her own, before his hand literally reached for his eyes. He pressed the pad of his index finger on his eye, pulling out a tiny little glass that he used to cover the true colour of his eyes.

Blue eyes. Bright blue. The colour of a Burgesses’ eyes. Her eyes widened. She parted her lips to speak but no words came out when he literally grabbed the skin on the side of his left cheek and literally tore his skin off of his entire head. Nathalie shut her eyes and turned her head away from the gruesome sight, but he caught her chin, digging his blunt nails in her cheeks and forcing her to turn. She kept her eyes shut thought.

“Look at me!” He growled at her, loud enough to make her flinch and tremble. She didn’t have much of a choice. She was tied down. He could do anything he wanted to her any moment, whatever that may be.

Nathalie opened her eyes and tears ran down her cheeks at the gruesome sight. It was a face, burnt to the bone. There was a bit of tissue covering it, but the rest was cauterised and melted, and his eyes were all that remained somehow. No nose, no lips, no cheek from one side. The teeth were on full display on one side due to the skin of his cheek missing. Hair, missing. It was red and ugly and frightening, and he was standing so very close, her heart thrummed so hard.

Danger. Her instincts screamed at her. Danger and terror and she tried to break free again but there was nowhere to run.

“Yes!”

His voice, a lot more deformed now. Who knows what kind of technology he had used to create that fake, but so very realistic mask and hair that he used to cover that face? But the eyes of a Burgess, nonetheless.

“You look exactly like your mother…” he nodded frantically.

He turned to walk away, finally allowing himself to limp. What the hell had happened to that man? He reached for a cane that he had nearby, and he limped, using it as support to make it to one of those drawers. He pulled out a bottle, with a red liquid but she was willing to bet it wasn’t blood and he drew a few milligrams of that liquid into a syringe.

“…the Eldian devil that tore our family to shreds.”

He clearly had some kind of hate for her mother. But he was talking about the past, a story that she had never heard, and she hadn’t even seen it in the memories of her parents. What the hell happened before her parents left for Paradis?

He laughed, but considering his voice was hoarse and deformed, his laughter was a pity excuse of a laugh.

“And to think… to think… I loved her once…” he tapped the syringe. He was mostly talking to himself, but she was getting confused. This man loved her mother? Who was he? He was a Burgess, no doubt, but who? Could he be her father?

No. Her father would never do this to her, would he? He’d never tie her down and try to experiment on her, would he? Would he? She didn’t know her parents. She didn’t know either of them. She didn’t know what kind of people they were and what kind of things they were capable of. But in that letter, they both said they loved her.

Where they just messing with her? Was that a lie?

“Your parents… Nathalie… they loved you…” Grace said the day she died – her mother – the one who had adopted and raised her. Grace would never lie to her, would she? It was the last thing her mom had ever told her before she died.

“What… what were you to my mother?” Nathalie asked hesitantly. Maybe if she’d get him to talk about this clearly hurtful subject to him, he wouldn’t experiment on her. She was starting to get used to his terribly deformed face. She was willing to bet the rest of him was deformed as well beneath the clothing

“Everything!” He pointed a thumb to his chest. “Everything… until she decided I wasn’t.”

Heartbreak. Nathalie had no idea what had happened between this man and her mother, but she clearly did not choose him in the end. She went to Paradis with Johannes – or at least that was the name signed in that letter. Amelia and Johannes. Her parents. Nathalie had seen some of her father’s memories. She looked up at the crazy scientist.

“Are you… Malcolm? My… father’s older brother…?”

He chuckled and approached her with the syringe in hand. “Smart girl. Have you not seen me in her memories? Or did she erase me from them too?”

“You loved her… you did… you still do, that’s why you talk about it. Please, this isn’t what she would have wanted you to do!” Nathalie tried to reason.

He laughed. “I still do? I am a Burgess, child, much like you. It’s hard to be a stupid Burgess, don’t you think?”

Nathalie watched him as he slowly injected whatever that liquid was into her her wrist and her eyes widened. She flinched. “Stop! Please! Listen! Whatever my mother did to you… I’ve no idea what that is! I never met her! Both my parents died a long time ago! Please, I’ve done nothing wrong-”

“Don’t you know, child?” He asked. “Parents sin, children suffer.”

He released the liquid in her body and it burned.

She screamed. Tears ran down her cheeks endlessly, but he ignored that.

He picked up and orbitoclast – a small hammer and a pointy needle-like metal. Her chair moved, lying her down entirely and she tried to jerk her hands, her body, her feet, but nothing happened. Her eyes widened when he pointed the needle to her left eye.

“Let’s start by a lobotomy, and if that does it no good, we’ll open a hole to your head, and I’m going to take back what belongs to me. But you need to remain conscious, child. I don’t want to leave you entirely… braindead. And I can’t have you moving too much either.”

And she couldn’t move. She couldn’t move at all. He had drugged her, but still kept her conscious somehow. He needed her conscious to make sure that he hadn’t done considerable damage in her brain. A human brain has no pain sensors. He could cut parts of it, and she wouldn’t feel a thing. But the only way to make sure he wasn’t doing damage, was keeping her conscious and keeping her talking through it. If she could talk and answer to him, then she could still think.  

He pierced the upper part of her eye with the needle, and he started tapping it with the small hammer, sinking the needle deeper, and deeper… and deeper…

She screamed until she stopped screaming, and all that was left, was a blank look in her eyes, staring up at the blinding light, lifeless.

There was music playing in the background. It was Wagner. The overture from the Tannhäuser opera. Quite the majestic piece. It was great to play in the background while he figured out that a lobotomy wasn’t enough and he had to open a hole in her skull.

It took hours upon hours. Untangling that magnificent creature from being tightly wrapped around the brain of a Burgess took lots of work and a very steady hand, but being a neurologist, he did have a very steady hand.

“The human mind is incredible, my dear.” He started speaking while he worked with all kinds of lancets and scissors on her brain. “Did you know that different kinds of combinations of transcription factors come together and form different kinds of neurons. Those different neurons form different layers, over and over. Layer upon layer. At first, Marley asked of the Burgesses to create the perfect human being. A human being, far stronger and smarter and just better in any way possible.”

He chuckled.

“Of course, my father, being the coward he always was, refused. But me? I was delighted to work on that project alone. None of the Burgesses found out that I was a rogue of course. They would have killed me themselves if they knew. My first ever test subject… was my wife, Maria. She responded well to the new organism I had created. An organism that so effectively messes with the psyche, wrapping its tentacles around the victim’s brain and taking over entirely. But you see… that creature is not that smart. I needed the victim to at least have some control. And you’re resisting it so well, my dear, I have had my eye on you since the very first day. You are truly remarkable…”

He accidentally scratched a certain part of her brain and he frowned, pausing his movements for a moment. “State your name.”

“Nathalie Hecate Burgess.” It came out automatically. She had no idea what was happening. She felt lifeless, staring up onto the blinding white light. Mind, completely blank.

“Ahh, taking into consideration the middle name too, I see. Good girl. It was your father’s idea I bet. Johannes was enamoured with all kinds of Mythology when he was younger.”

The disk rolling in the background now switched to another piece.

“My favourite.” The mad scientist smiled, grabbing a specific type of scissors that he dug between the two hemispheres of her brain. “Don Giovanni… Act two, scene five. Do you know what happens in that scene, Nathalie? Don Giovanni is asked to repent, but he’s screaming no. No. No. No. Even when the soul of the very man he’s killed has come from the dead, telling him that he’s going to go to hell. Even when he’s told that he’ll spend all eternity burning alive – even when the only friend he has left drops on his knees and asks of him to repent to save both their souls – he’s still refusing.”

The tenor screamed out a loud “NO!”

“Why do you think that is, Nathalie? Why want to burn for all eternity?”

Now the choir joined in. Trying to convince him. But he still refused, until he was finally struck down, pushed down the edge and into the depths of hell and he screamed one final time completely out of key.

“Selfishness.” Nathalie responded.

“That’s right. He didn’t want to admit he was wrong. He didn’t want to admit he deserved punishment for everything he had done – even when he had killed men and raped women and ruined lives. He didn’t believe there was any kind of punishment in the first place even when the soul of one of his victims came from the depths of hell to warn him.”

She had no idea why he was telling her this. Still, she was losing her sanity and there wasn’t much thinking that she could do.

“Do you think Erwin Smith would repent if he was ever given that warning?”

Erwin Smith? It was her husband. Malcolm had read all about him. The boy she had – it was Erwin Smith’s son, their son. That boy would either be a blessing, or a massive obstacle just like his father.

“A man who’s ruined so many lives… a man who’s killed so many people and slept with so many women. Poor women he left the second he was done having a use for them… you were one of them, were you not? Poor little Nathalie.” He wiped the blood off the lancets and his scissors before he continued digging. “Do you think he’s dead? Do you really think we managed to kill him when we took you?”

What was he saying? What was he trying to imply? Erwin was dead. Erwin died a long time ago. She had mourned him. She had mourned him so much, she cried every single night, every day, thinking about him and all the things they hadn’t gotten the time to do. She thought about him and all the things she had regretted not telling him. All those times she had regretted not holding him tight enough.

All those years that he never told her he loved her.

She had mourned him. Erwin was dead. She was moving on. She gave birth to their son without him. She was raising their son without him even when she was losing her mind. She had Zeke. She had her sweet Zeke who was always there for her. They were supposed to run today but that chance was gone. She was here instead. Trapped and experimented on and in pain. So much emotional pain because she had kissed Zeke. She had kissed him, and she had let him have her. She had given the entirety of her to him because she loved him. He was kind and gentle and sweet and reliable and he was everything she ever wanted.

Zeke was everything Erwin couldn’t be. She loved another man. Erwin couldn’t be alive. No. Erwin couldn’t be alive. No. He can’t be. Erwin was dead. Erwin died a long time ago and she still cried for him sometimes. She still cried.

Nathalie was still staring blankly upwards. She didn’t say a word, but a single tear ran down her temple.

“Aahh you don’t know!” Malcolm threw his head back and began to laugh hysterically. “My, my! I thought your beloved War Chief would have told you that your husband is alive. Maybe your new perfect man is not so perfect after all. Maybe he got greedy. Or maybe, he knew you’d cry and cry, and cry, poor thing, if you knew your husband is alive and he hasn’t made a single attempt in finding you. Maybe he doesn’t want to find you.”

Why did Zeke never tell her? Why did Erwin not look for her? Why was she here now? Why were both Zeke and Erwin letting this happen to her? Why? Why did it all hurt so much?

She wept. She had brought this to herself. She asked Erwin to never look for her. She asked Erwin to forget her. She begged him to forget her. She begged him to abandon her. He simply did what she had asked.

But did he not realise that it was just a desperate cry for help?

Forget Help me, I beg of you.

Did he not realise that when she screamed for him to let her go and forget her, it meant stay?

Please, stay.

Please, come find me.

Please, save me from my insanity.

Please, don’t die.

Please, hold me tight.

Please, don’t leave me.

Please, don’t let go.

Please… please, please, please, please…

Maybe she shouldn’t expect of him to recognise that cry for help. Even when he knew her his entire life – even when there was no person in this world to know her for longer than he did – even then, he knew nothing about her. It was only she the one to study him and learn what he liked, what he wanted, what made him happy and what not.

The betterment of the world was always far more important to him than her. And that’s why she fell into the arms of another man. Because she was everything to that other man, and he was everything to her, and the feelings were mutual. There wasn’t any one-sidedness.

But if Erwin was alive, then she had cheated on her husband. She was but a terrible, ungrateful, greedy woman who loved another man while her husband was alive.  

“Poor little Nathalie. Always seeing the best in people, but always bringing out the worst. Just like your mother.” Watching her cry was indeed satisfying. “I don’t think your husband would ever repent. I’m certain he always found a reason to justify everything he ever did. Even hurting you.”

“I’m selfish. I want you to give me everything when I know I’ll give you nothing. I know. And you’re right, there’s so much that I am not letting out, but I have no choice. We’re in the Scouts, Nathalie. I might die one day. You might die one day. Either way, nothing’s sure. It all ends up in pain, and I would never wish that for you,”

“That’s why I will never tell you I love you… because one day I will have to leave you…”

“Even for leading all those poor children to their deaths.”

“You know sacrifices have to be made for-”

“Sacrifices,” Nathalie cut him. “Collateral damage. Another step made forward to reach to the top of your mountain of corpses,”

“Is it really for the betterment of the world, or is it something more than that? Some selfish cause. Some egoistic dream?”

It was never really the betterment of the world and she had known before everyone. He always fooled everyone so well, that they were fighting for a bigger cause. They were dedicating their hearts to an entirely unrealistic future – but no, he was dedicating his heart – not to her, not to himself – but to an old man’s dream. Everything he ever did was done out of guilt and regret and despair.

Was that what made her come second? Was that all that doomed her to forever be second in his priorities?

Why was it hurting her so much right now? She had moved on, hadn’t she? She was supposed to run off with Zeke tonight, but he had probably given up on waiting for her. He’d probably abandon her because it looked like she had abandoned him the same.

She wouldn’t blame Zeke. But why – something that happened so many years ago – why was it hurting her right now so much? Another tear ran down her cheek and she wanted to close her eyes. She wanted to sob and curl up in some corner, but she could do nothing. She could not move. All she did was stare up blankly like a corpse.

A corpse that still somehow shed warm tears.

“Aw poor thing. How does it feel? Loving without being loved? Hurts, doesn’t it? It hurts so much it makes you want to rip your hair out. It makes you want to bang your head against some wall until you’ve cracked your skull open. But you’ll get through it.” He set off to cut a specific spot on her brain. “Here, I’ll help you.”

And with a single move of his hand, all thoughts came to a halt inside her mind.

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chapter:

“Who are you, sir?”

It felt like a thorn in his heart. His own son didn’t recognise him.

Next chapter is THE chapter MUAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

Chapter 95: Unrecognisable

Notes:

UNEDITEEEEDDDD

its 5k words of erwin kicking ass cuz how DARE THEY HURT HIS WIFE AM I RIGHT

TW for badly written fight scenes below with probs many grammatical errors BUT THIS BITCH IS DEPRESSED AND TIRED SO uh ...

erwin and nat's reunion takes about three or four more chapters lmfao it's huge pls

She was staring into nothingness. Her mind had been blank for so many months now. She didn’t know how long it had been. She didn’t know how to distinguish night from day. All she did was sit there, on the edge of her bed, staring at the window on the wall to her right. The nurses took care of her. Bathed her, changed her clothes, gave her daily pills. She had a bandage wrapped around her head and part of it was covering her left eye. It hadn’t recovered ever since Malcolm performed a lobotomy on her.

She wasn’t really thinking of anything. She realised she couldn’t. She wasn’t capable of thinking anymore. Not after what Malcolm had done to her. She didn’t even know what that was. The experiments continued within those past months. She hadn’t seen Zeke at all. Had something happened to him?

Nathalie didn’t know. Her mind was blank.

“Mommy?”

Edward Erwin Smith. Eddie. My son. That was all she knew. Eddie was the only person she recognised. She smiled at him as she looked down at him. She was the only person she smiled at. The only person that brought her out of her continuous trance.

Nathalie smiled at him, and her hands reached for him. She picked him up and settled him on her lap. “E… Eddie… my baby…”

“That’s right, mommy. It’s me.” He cupped her cheeks with both his little arms, and he made sure he had her attention.

Ever since they brought her back to him, she had been like this. He was her son. When papa Zeke wasn’t here, he was supposed to be the one to protect her, right? Or that’s what Eddie thought. Eddie was smart enough to notice that they had done something to her. She wasn’t responding to other people. She spent hours upon hours staring outside their window, sitting there, on the edge of their bed. That’s all she did. Sometimes, even when Eddie talked to her, she wasn’t listening.

“Let’s count past ten today, okay?” Eddie suggested and she hesitantly nodded. He had taken it upon himself to make his mom sane again, but he was slowly losing all hope of bringing her back. She couldn’t even count past ten. She had lost all sanity.

“I…” she tried to say but her mind was still blank.

“That’s alright, mommy. We’ll go over it tomorrow.” Eddie gave her a smile, even though he knew she would fail to count past ten tomorrow too.

Nathalie nodded at him unknowingly.

“I’ll get you some water.” Eddie jumped off her lap and walked out of their shared quarters, leaving her there.

The next man to walk in, he was in a hurry. It was hours later when she didn’t even notice night had fallen at last. Another day gone. Another monotonous day in this monotonous life. But he rushed in and his eyes fell on her immediately. Blue eyes. Blonde. Dressed in a black suit that carried the ODM gear. Of course she did not recognise the ODM Gear. She would not recognise him even if she tried. The only person she recognised was her son.

Erwin’s eyes widened. Sweat ran down his brow. He had been running. He had killed so many security guards. So many nurses. Hange’s squad was in the control room of the facility, checking the cameras and the equipment – it was all Burgess technology. They didn’t know much about it, but the technology of the Burgesses was almost just as advanced and the Hizuru had helped them remarkably.

It had taken him so long. It had been so long since the last time he had laid eyes on her. But she had a bandage around her head. Blood had dripped on the white bandage on a specific spot on her head. Part of the bandage was also covering her eye. Her hair was a mess. Some of it, falling on her face. She was dressed in white. A white long skirt, a white shirt.

She was staring blankly on the window to her right. She was still sitting at the exact same spot on the bed Eddie had left her in hours ago. Her look was blank. No emotion on her face. No indication that she was having something in mind.

“Nathalie?”

His heart was thrumming hard. How was he going to face her now? How shameful it was that it had taken him four years to find her? How infuriated was she going to be with him? How hurt and in pain and… no, it didn’t look like she was feeling any of this. It didn’t look like she was about to start crying upon seeing him. It didn’t look like she was about to start screaming at him for leaving her.

No, she looked like some unmoving, emotionless doll.

He didn’t have much time. He had to take her out of there this very instant before Marley could send reinforcements and things could get ugly.

Erwin tried to talk to her again. He tried to approach her. Maybe she just hadn’t noticed him. Maybe she just hadn’t seen him, she hadn’t heard him.

But he never got to speak a single word.

“Mommy!”

No.

His mind was just messing with him. He didn’t hear that.

The sound of footsteps banging on the marble floor reached his ears. Then, someone small and fast passed through the door from beside him and he climbed on her lap. It was a boy.

No. This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be happening. This can’t be happening. Erwin’s legs didn’t seem to want to hold him any longer. He dropped on his knees. The realisation was coming to him in waves.

“Mommy! There’s something wrong with the clinic,” the boy climbed on her lap and grasped her shirt and only then did she move, wrapping her arms around him and looking down at her sweet boy. “Some of the nurses… they’re… they’re…” they were dead.

Edward had seen them lying on the floor, bathed in their own blood. He’d known them ever since he was a baby. They had helped his mom raise him. They were good people. Those nurses were always so sweet and kind. They kept him distracted when his mom would ‘lose control’. Eddie had seen them with his own little eyes – a four-year-old boy had just seen death for the first time. He started crying. Tears ran down his cheeks. Death was going to be an image that would traumatise him for years to come.

How ironic that those people were killed by his very own father.

“Ssshh, it’s alright, darling.” Nathalie held him tightly and buried her face in his blonde hair, wiping his cheeks blindly with her thin, cold fingers. “Whatever’s happened, mommy’s gonna keep you safe.” She soothed him even though Eddie knew that his mom couldn’t really do that in the state that she was now in.

And Erwin was just left there to watch. Erwin just watched as he remained there, kneeling on the floor, looking at his wife and… his child. That boy was his own? That boy looked to be around four years old and it had been four years.

He had forsaken her for four years. He told himself she wasn’t important enough. He had told himself that even if he brought her back to him, they wouldn’t be able to have the life they wanted considering she would have lost her mind. And maybe she had indeed lost her mind – they had done something to her. She looked so thin and skinny, those clothes were too big for her. The bones in her wrists were sticking out. There was that bloody bandage on her head and those eyes. Those tired eyes.

But even in this mess, she was beautiful.

“Who are you, sir?”

It felt like a thorn in his heart. His own son didn’t recognise him. His own son didn’t even know him. It was all his fault. Erwin had abandoned his wife. He had abandoned his wife and child. Funny, how he always talked about wanting a son, and she gave him just that, but he had abandoned them. If only he had known.

But to have a son? It was different talking about it and actually having it happen. Erwin had no idea how to feel. All he knew was that he hated himself. He had always hated himself over the things that he’d done. Over the people that he had led to their deaths. Friends and families ruined just because of his selfishness. But to do the same to his own wife? His own child?

Was that boy really his own son?

“Mommy doesn’t recognise anyone else except me after what they did to her.” Eddie said, turning and looking at Erwin.

This large man dressed in this funny black suit. He was armed. It was strange though. He had handles that were meant to carry swords, but the blades were separated in cases to his sides. Eddie was sure they were of some use, and they were possibly dangerous, but a man to kneel down with that look on his face full of despair, he couldn’t possibly be dangerous to them right now.

Eddie had learned to recognise despair and tears in one’s eyes. That was the only look his mom ever gave him despite what she said and how wide she was forcing her lips to curl up.

“So… I’ll have to do the talking.” Eddie added. What a strong, four-year-old boy. He was speaking fluently, and Erwin was willing to bet that it was because he was part Burgess.

“Eddie…” Erwin remembered Nathalie calling him this. “…Edward. Your mother named you after my father.”

The boy stared at him for a moment. With those huge blue eyes and the blonde hair. He was the spitting image of himself. Erwin had abandoned him. Erwin had abandoned them both. She doesn’t recognise anyone else except me after what they did to her. What did they do to her? What had they done to his wife?! That asylum was supposed to be a safe place for all the Burgesses. The Marleyan Government had no authority when it came to the noble families, like the Tyburs, the Burgesses, the Leitzes and the Roffs. Those were the four noble families and Marley had no authority over them.

Had they… experimented on her? It made Erwin’s stomach churn. But most of all, it made him angry. It made him furious. It made him want to kill everyone within Marley. What did they do to his wife? What did they do to his child?!

Erwin was already thinking of ways to make them pay. But it was his fault as well. He was the one who had left them. It was his fault that it took so long to find them and bring them home.

“Are you…” Eddie tried to speak. This man looked… familiar.

“Do you think about him, mommy?”

“Always, sweetie. As a matter of fact, you look exactly like him,” Nathalie pinched his fluffy cheek playfully and he giggled. She cupped his cheek and gave him a melancholic smile. “You got your father’s eyes.”

He looked like him. Eddie looked like this man. They had the same hair. The same eyes. Those cerulean eyes.

“…are you my…” no. Eddie shook his head and snapped out of it. “No. My daddy died four years ago.” He shook his head again. “Mommy said daddy died in the war long before I was born…”

“Edward-”

“…and that’s okay because papa Zeke is here now.”

That was what Eddie said to himself and he repeated it over and over. It was his way of dealing with the fact that he had already lost a father. But that’s okay because papa Zeke is here now. And papa Zeke was nice, and cool. Papa Zeke spoiled him and loved him. Eddie didn’t need anyone else so long as papa Zeke was here. But papa Zeke hadn’t visited in so many months now.

Had something happened to papa Zeke?

But Erwin’s guilt and regret and pain and sorrow seemed to leave in an instant. Papa Zeke is here now. What the hell did that mean?! His fists clenched and he parted his lips to say something, but the alarm of the asylum began ringing. It was a loud, repeating, and continuous sound. The white lights switched to red and Eddie instantly cowered to his mom.

Erwin gritted his teeth. They had discovered the asylum was being broken into.

“I need to take you both out of here right now.” Erwin stood up hastily and he picked up Eddie and caught Nathalie’s arm urging her to stand up and follow him. She followed blankly. Still, without saying a word. Her mind was blank.

“Wait! Let me down! I don’t trust you!” Eddie banged his little fists on Erwin’s chest and Erwin frowned deeply. The poor man was trying to run hastily down a hall with minimal light – it was night, and the lights were now in deep red signalling danger – and the kid was pressing his hands on Erwin’s face now while Erwin was also dragging Nathalie with one arm.

Parenting had just started.

“You’re gonna have to trust me, because I’m your father.” Erwin grunted. Eddie’s hands were pressing on his cheek, his jaw, his chin.

“No, you’re not!”

“Yes, I am!”

“No!”

“Yes!”

This was getting infuriating. Footsteps of multiple people approached from the end of the dark hall. Erwin had to fight, and his hands were already full. He knew Nathalie probably couldn’t recognise him but fuck this.

“Hold him!” Erwin growled at Nathalie, handing her their son. She held him, but she probably only did that because Eddie’s little arms were reaching out for her. Erwin loaded his blades and he looked at the boy who was glaring at him. “Don’t look.” This was going to get ugly.

“I’ll do whatever I want!” Eddie frowned.

He was Nathalie’s son alright. Erwin’s fingers clenched around the handles of his swords angrily. “I said, don’t look!”

“UGH, FINE!”

The Marleyan soldiers started shooting with their guns. Erwin shielded both his wife and his son with his body, pulling them both behind the wall.

“Stay here.” Erwin said before he walked out of the wall that would shield them for now and he attacked the soldiers.

He dodged the bullets with his swords. One grazed his shoulder and he grunted, but he ignored the pain. It was nothing compared to what he had gotten used to. Maybe he’d take out all his anger on those poor soldiers. There were five of them. He cut off an arm and the man cried out. Blood sprayed on his face, but Erwin ignored it. He kicked the gun off another man’s arms. Another man attacked him from behind, wrapping an arm around Erwin’s neck.

Erwin took a few steps back, banging the man against the wall before twisting his sword back, stabbing the man in the stomach. The one-armed man attacked him again but before he even had the chance to shoot at him with his remaining arm, Erwin chopped his head off. He had lots of pent up anger to take out.

Papa Zeke? Zeke was the name of the man who carried the Beast Titan. It was the name of the man who had killed so many people. So many soldiers. The man who had almost killed him. Had this man really replaced him? Was Erwin so easily replaceable for Nathalie? With a murderer at that.

Erwin knew he was no better. He was killing people right now like pigs. But they deserved it. They had taken his wife from him. They had taken away his wife and child.

Erwin cut off another man’s head. The last of the five, but more came running towards him. He cut off a leg, an arm, a head. He slaughtered them like animals and deep down he felt some kind of odd, sickening satisfaction. Papa Zeke. He stabbed a man right through the heart knocked him against the wall. Erwin turned to attack another man, but he stopped right away, realising it was Levi.

Levi looked down at the dismembered bodies. So many of them. He looked up at Erwin. A few droplets of blood had sprayed on his face. His hands were stained blood. His clothes covered in blood as well. He was breathing heart.

“You’re a worse monster than I am.” Levi never really filtered his words even when it came to Erwin.

The past years, he and Erwin had grown closer enough to call him his friend. But Levi always thought Erwin never really wanted to get his hands dirty – that was why Erwin had recruited Levi in the Survey Corps in the first place, right?

Erwin looked down at his bloody hands. How was he supposed to hold his son with those hands?

“Did you find her?” Levi handed him his handkerchief. He always kept a pair of them. He hated getting his hands dirty.

“I found more than one people that we need to rescue.” Erwin used Levi’s handkerchief to wipe off most of the blood, and Levi’s eyes widened.

No way. He can’t possibly mean… Erwin rushed to the other side of the hall, catching Nathalie’s hand and dragging her out for Levi to see. She was holding a boy in her arms. A blonde, blue eyed, four-year-old boy. An angel. And she didn’t look well either. There was a bloody bandage tied around her head. The bandage, covering her left, dysfunctional eye. What had they done to her? Her look was blank. Face, emotionless even when she looked at him and Erwin, there was no reaction. Had she lost her mind entirely by now? And the kid, was that boy Erwin’s son?

Those were questions that they didn’t have the time to answer now. “Understood.” Levi nodded. He loaded his blades and he turned to guide them through the building and outside to safety. They had stolen maps of the entire building. He had studied them well. “I’ll take you to the rooftop. Keep them safe.”

“Thank you, Levi.”

A small smile spread on Levi’s lips but it was way too faint for someone to notice. Levi turned and looked at Erwin from his shoulder and nodded at him before he began walking down the mildly dark hall. The alarm continued ringing and the red lights were dim, switching on and off repeatedly. Erwin wrapped an arm around Nathalie and an arm around Eddie, protecting them both, urging Nathalie to keep walking, following him. She hadn’t said a word. She was like an empty shell.

Levi used his sword to dodge a bullet that came flying for the family behind him. He attacked the five soldiers that came right at them. Erwin tried to join him but he realised five more were coming from behind them. Shit. He loaded a new set of blades and he crashed his swords with the gun of a man.

Nathalie cupped Eddie’s head, pulling him to bury his face in her neck. “Close your eyes,” Nathalie told him.

“Mommy?”

Nathalie pressed a kiss on his temple, holding him tightly, glaring at the men around her. Those two, they seemed to be friendly. They felt… familiar. It felt like she knew them.

“They’ll keep us safe, don’t worry.” If not, then she’d kill everyone herself. No one would touch her baby. No one.

Levi slaughtered three men at once. Erwin cut off a head, then an arm. He knocked the gun of a man down to their feet and he elbowed the man hard on the jaw knocking unconscious. But there were many. Levi had no trouble dealing with two more. He stabbed a man, tossed him on the opposite wall and dodged the attacks of another. Erwin kicked a man on the chest and grabbed his gun shooting three more.

“Let’s go!” Levi cried out once he realised there were no more of them. They had to hurry. Erwin grabbed Nathalie who was still carrying Eddie in her arms, and he urged her to hurry upstairs.

They had to make it to the rooftop. The blimp was waiting for them. Onyankopon was piloting it with Moblit. Onyankopon was one of the very few volunteers that Erwin had allowed to fight on their side. Yelena and the others were exiled in just a few months after their deal. Erwin didn’t trust any of the others, but there were a few who had earned his trust. The rest, he had kicked them off the island fast enough.

Nathalie rushed too. She didn’t know what was happening – she knew she had to protect her son. That was all that mattered to her. There were guards waiting for them at the rooftop. She was an important test subject. They had orders to do anything in their power to keep her there.

They were many.

Levi clashed his sword with the rifle of a man, kicking him in the stomach and making him fold up before Levi cut his head off and set off immediately to attack another man.

“Go! I’ll buy you some time!” Levi cried out. The blimp was right above them. The hatch was open. Sasha and Petra were there with rifles on sniper mode, shooting people from above, making sure to cover all four of them. Hange and Armin tossed the rope stairs for them to grab onto and climb up.

Erwin turned at Nathalie. His hand tightened around her wrists, dragging to him to take her to the stairs, but she didn’t budge. For once, she looked up at him and that blank look was gone. She had that look in her face. Pain. Erwin looked down at her and her white shirt was beginning to get soaked in deep, warm red on a specific spot on her right ribs.

Erwin’s eyes widened. They had shot her. A bullet had gotten to her. How was she still standing?

“Nathalie?” Erwin cupped her face, making sure he had her attention. She wasn’t recognising him yet, was she? “You’re going to be okay… you’re going to be alright I just want you to get in the-”

“Go.” Nathalie said. She handed him Eddie and he held him. “Keep him safe.”

“Mommy?” Eddie looked at her confusedly.

Nathalie smiled at him and cupped his cheek. “I love you, my sweet baby.”

Nathalie turned to leave but Erwin caught her hand. It was the bloody hand that she had been pressing on her wound. He had to stop her from doing something stupid. She was in no state to fight. She was not sane. She had no strength. She was weak and thin and tired. Her hand slipped away from his own due to the blood.

“NATHALIE!” Erwin cried out her name, but she didn’t even turn to look at him. She took another bullet on her left shoulder, but it didn’t stop her from walking towards them. Levi was screaming at her. Erwin was screaming at her. Hange and Armin were also crying out, but she didn’t hear a thing. It was all reduced to a buzz. Her mind was still blank. There was nothing she was thinking about. There was nothing else to do or think about.

She had to protect her son.

Another bullet penetrated her right shoulder this time. They weren’t planning to kill her. They were hitting spots that weren’t lethal. They had orders to bring her in alive because she was a precious test subject. But she was going to use that. She was going to kill them all. She didn’t care if she died right now. The man with the blue eyes… he was way too familiar. She almost felt like she could trust him. He seemed to know her name too. He screamed it, but she chose to ignore it.

She knew this man. She was certain she had known this man a long time ago. She trusted him to keep Eddie safe. Eddie was crying. Little hands reached for her, but Erwin shielded him with his body from the bullets and the people that were attacking them.

She was bleeding in multiple spots though. She was losing a lot of blood. She would only be dead weight if she stayed with them. She would only put her own son in danger. And this other man – the man with the raven hair – he was familiar too.

“What the fuck are you doing?! GO, Nat!” He screamed at her as he killed the three men that had surrounded him and he set off to kill the man that was attacking her from behind.

But before he even had the chance, he was dead. She was now standing behind that soldier, her hands on his neck, snapping his head to the left, killing him in an instant. Levi’s eyes widened. Her eyes flashed a bright red. She smiled sickeningly.

“Dr Nathalie Burgess.” Every soldier left pointed their guns at her, completely ignoring Levi and pausing the fight for a moment. “Surrender now or we will open fire.”

Nathalie’s red eyes met Levi’s and his Ackerman instincts told him to take a step back away from her. He could distinguish a predator from a prey. It was implanted in his genes to know when something or someone was dangerous.

She ignored the soldiers who were all pointing their rifles at her, and she gave Levi a sick smile. “You’re the one who should leave.”

Before they even had the chance to begin shooting, Nathalie caught one of the rifles, knocking it back to the soldier’s face. A soldier attacked her from behind and she elbowed him. She kicked another. She grabbed the rifle and planted a bullet in one’s head. She shot as many bullets her rifle was loaded with, tossing it down when she was done. Another bullet met her stomach, but she didn’t feel the pain. She was bleeding in multiple spots, but she was feeling no pain, no weakness.

Whatever that mad scientist had done to her, it was keeping her alive.

She climbed on top of another soldier, bringing him down on the ground with her knee on his back and her arms around his throat, snapping his neck. She avoided a bullet that came for her. One of them took out a sword. A swipe of the sword came right at her but she jumped back avoiding a deadly cut. She took another step back. Nathalie elbowed a man who was shooting at her from behind and she pulled his body in front of her with minimal effort, using him as a shield, tossing him towards three more men, knocking them all down the building.

She had no idea how long this kept up. At some point, there were about ten of them left. They surrounded her and she used the sword one of them had dropped. She cut a head off. She kicked the rifle off a soldiers hand and she stabbed him with the rifle. Another bullet planted on her body from behind. Nathalie let out a cry of pain. The man grabbed her from behind.

He wrapped his arm around her neck in an attempt to choke her from the back while one of them was shooting at her from the front. But she kicked the man on the front, using the other soldier’s tight hold to pick herself up. She knocked him against the wall of the building. She elbowed his stomach making him fold up before kicking his head, hard enough to break his skull.

By the time she was done with them, she was drenched in blood. Both her own and her victims’. There were countless of those men lying on the floor. There was blood and heads and limbs lingering everywhere. She had bullets penetrating most parts of her body and she was bleeding, but she wasn’t feeling weak. She wasn’t feeling the pain. She wasn’t feeling anything.

There was one soldier left and he was staring at her. He was trembling and he was cowering away making a few steps back. Nathalie let out a laugh. She had just killed twenty people. She was bleeding from multiple bullet wounds, but she was laughing.

She pointed the bloody sword at the frightened soldier. “How would you… like to die?” The man gave no response and she frowned. “That’s quite alright. I have a great idea on how I should kill you.” She took a few more steps towards him but Levi threw his sword in front of her, stopping her from making a step further towards the frightened man who didn’t seem to be willing enough to fight. All he wanted to do was run for his life.

“That’s enough.” Levi growled. He was ready any moment to restrain her. She had taken it too far. He didn’t know anyone else could fight so many people at once without being an Ackerman. Sure, he could do it. But she was a Burgess. If anything, she wasn’t designed to fight like this. Whatever they had done to her – it wasn’t natural.

Nathalie looked at him and only then did her eyes return to a normal blue colour. The colour he knew. The colour he once loved. Before he knew it, she was falling.

Levi caught her. Fast reflexes kicked in.

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

“No…” Nathalie shook her head in denial, and she shut her eyes, clutching onto her son, clutching onto her reality. “…he’s just in my head.” She reminded herself out loud and Erwin’s eyes widened.

Did she really believe that he had died?

“Mr Erwin!”

When Eddie said that, her eyes snapped wide open and she turned and looked at her son.

“Can you… can you see him too?”

Chapter 96: Rescued

“Did… Nat do all this?”

Armin could hardly believe this. Onyankopon was piloting the blimp away. There was no hurry, considering there was no one left in that building to stop them except maybe the insane of the Burgess Family. All the guards, all the soldiers, and nurses, they were all dead. Most of them, lying on the cold floor of the rooftop, There was blood staining the white concrete everywhere. Dismembered bodies. Ruined lives and families.

Nathalie had done this.

It was unbelievable for everyone but Miche. Miche and his squad had taken out the guards and cleared out Erwin’s way to her when they got there. They were all now on the blimp. The hatch was still open, Hange and Armin were staring at the roof of the building as it grew smaller and smaller by the added distance. They stared at the gruesome scene, trying to convince themselves that Nathalie had actually done this.

Nathalie, who was so gentle and sweet. Who was the most tender mother figure Armin, Mikasa and Eren ever had. Who was the epitome of innocence and matureness and everything that was good. Nathalie, who was perfect, and small, short, weak. A small woman who needed her man.

But she was nothing like that. She wasn’t even remotely close to anything like that. Nathalie was a monster. Not only when that part of herself took over – her character was the one of a manipulative devil. She had fooled everyone that she was so perfect with those smiles. Those beautiful smiles, that warm voice, those tender, motherly touches. Those dears, and darlings, and sweeties, and sweethearts. All those tender pet names that only young mothers used on their children and husbands.

All that warmth… it was nothing but a cheap play.

Of course, none of them knew that yet. But Miche knew that. Miche had seen Nathalie in the worst state possible. He had seen the most terrifying, monstrous side of her. He had seen her be who she truly was. Levi had almost caught a glimpse of that. So predatory, she tried to kill the remaining soldier left in some wicked, brutal way that she had come up within her twisted mind.

And then, there was the boy. The boy that everybody realised was Erwin’s son with just a mere glimpse of him. Both a Burgess and a Smith.

What kind of menace would that boy become?

Everybody was excited and happy though. Sad partly, to find out that Nathalie was pregnant when she was taken – no, when she surrendered. If she didn’t want to be taken, she could have just killed everyone like she had just done. It wouldn’t be too much of an effort for her. Miche knew better than anyone as he cautiously glanced at her.

Erwin was holding her. Erwin hadn’t let go of her at all since the very second Levi carried her in the blimp that was now high in the sky, taking them to Paradis. It was late in the night. The hatch finally closed, signalling their starting into their journey, while Onyankopon and Moblit piloted the aircraft, adding to their altitude.

Hange, Levi, Petra, and Levi’s squad were talking to Eddie, keeping him busy and calming him down. He was such a smart, adorable little boy. Hange held him in her arms and tried her best to keep his little mind distracted and away from everything that had just transpired.

But Erwin… Erwin was holding her. He sat down by the seats that were stuck to the sides of the walls and he gathered her small, weak body in his lap. She had been bleeding dangerously but somehow the bullets that penetrated her skin popped out of those bleeding wounds. And somehow, those wounds had stopped bleeding. They had done something to her. Something he didn’t even want to know what it was, but he had ordered Miche and his squad to scour through the facility for all files with her name on top. All the experiments done on her, it was recorded into those files. Audio recorded cassettes from her sessions with her psychiatrist and black leathered folders full of photographs and notes.

It was everything they had done to her and Miche had retrieved that. They couldn’t hope to treat her if they didn’t know what experiments they had conducted on her. Hange would study those files. Erwin didn’t want to lay eyes on them, but eventually he would.

He had to.

But for now, he was holding her, and looking down at her. He had wrapped his green, Survey Corps cloak around her body to keep her warm. After all those nights that he wished she was with him – after all those months, all those years, all those desperate moments that he crashed on walls and pulled his hair out, wishing she was there – she was finally here now. With him. But he’d never felt such sorrow upon seeing her.

She was unconscious but she was breathing. Her eyes were closed. One of her eyes was covered beneath the bloody bandage that was tied around her head. Her brown hair had grown longer. He had never seen her hair be so long. She had neglected them – she didn’t really have a choice.

Erwin cupped her cheek. There was no response from her. Usually, she’d lean on his hand whenever he cupped her face while she was asleep. But this time, there was no response. No indication that she acknowledged his presence. She was in deep unconsciousness.

What have they done to her? What did she go through while he was too much of a selfish bastard to arrange a rescue mission for her? He had asked around about the Burgesses. He had known they were kept in an asylum for three years now. He had no idea where to look. No one knew where that asylum was located that until he had his squads find Yelena, bring her back and interrogate her.

He remembered slamming her against a wall, hard enough to snap one of her ribs and crack the bricks behind her. Erwin scared her a little more than necessary. But that was alright, because she gave him what he needed and the next day, he had her exiled from Paradis once again. He did not trust this woman. It took him months to confirm the asylum’s location and begin the operation.

Miche watched Erwin while he stared at her. He was holding her tight, and all he did was stare with that longing, that pain, this sorrow. He had missed her so much. There was no saying how much he had missed her. There was no saying how many things he wanted to tell her once she’d wake up.

If she’d wake up.

If she even recognised him when she did.

She wouldn’t recognise him, would she? Just like today, when he entered her room and she didn’t even notice him being there. She didn’t even look at him.

“Mommy doesn’t recognise anyone else except me after what they did to her.” That’s right. It was because of the things that they had done to her that she didn’t recognise him, neither Levi. It was merely because of that. It wasn’t like she had gone insane and maybe she just didn’t want to talk to him. Maybe she just wanted to ignore him. Maybe she was mad at him for leaving her.

He had left her give birth and raise their son on her own in a fucking asylum. Erwin Smith’s son raised like an orphan who only had an insane mother, inside an asylum. The shame. The disgrace. How dare he – Erwin Smith – ruler of Paradis from the shadows – allow his own son to be an orphan? What kind of man was he? What kind of husband was he? What kind of father did this?

Not even his own father did this to him. His own father – who had died and left him burdened and traumatised about it for the rest of his life – he’d never do that to him. But Erwin had done it to his own child. His own son. His own flesh and blood. The precious little combination of himself and the woman that he loved so dearly.

He had abandoned them both.

Erwin’s vision got blurry, and he shut his eyes trying to keep the tears from dropping. He was the Commander of the Survey Corps. It was unacceptable of him to cry, lest in front of his own soldiers. But he had abandoned his wife and his son, his family. He had a family out there for four years and he had no idea. He told himself that Nathalie wasn’t important enough. Nathalie was insane. His sweet wife – the woman that he loved wasn’t important enough when it came to the sake of the entire world.

Of course, she wasn’t important enough.

“You don’t love her enough.” Eren’s words rang inside his mind. Eren had run off to find her on his own three years ago because he just couldn’t bear to lose another mother. Erwin knew where Eren was – in the hospital of Liberio, but there was no one who could convince him to come back home.

Maybe Nathalie could do that – but Nathalie needed so much work right now.

Sure, they had saved her, but mentally she was still a helpless victim.

Erwin placed a kiss on her bandaged forehead. It was funny how he could protect an entire race of people, but he could never protect his own wife and child. Maybe he just couldn’t do both. He couldn’t both be a leader and a husband, a father. This was too much for him, he was just one man. Just one, tired, old man. And now that he had a son – they had a child – it was complicating things, what was he going to do?

Dying had never been something he’d hesitate to do – and that very fact had dragged his own wife towards insanity. Now? Now he couldn’t die. Now he was going to hesitate to throw himself to battle. He was going to hesitate to put in motion those brilliant, risky gambles. He was going to hesitate to lead, to work, to fight, to die, to do everything he had set out for himself to do.

Now all his plans came crumbling to the ground with a single glimpse at their son – now in Sasha’s arms – and that morally grey side of him was making him realise… would it be better if he’d never set out to bring his wife back home? Would it be simpler if he just took off that wedding ring and kept pretending that Nathalie was still not important?

Would it be easier if he never found out that he had a son?

It would. It would be so much easier.

But he would’ve been a dead man.

“We should restrain her.” Miche’s voice came from beside him and Erwin pulled his attention from her and he looked up at Miche who was standing right there with his arms crossed against his chest, wearing an indifferent, cold look in his eyes.

Erwin parted his lips to object. There was no way he would ever tie her down. He’d be no different than those mad scientists that tied her down and experimented on her.

“When she wakes up, we won’t know who it is.” Miche added. He noticed the hesitation in Erwin’s eyes. He realised that Erwin would object.

At that, Erwin realised that he was right. He had to push emotions aside and think with reason. She was unstable. It was the harsh truth. His sweet little Nathalie was no longer the only habitant of this body.

Erwin nodded silently before he turned to look at her again. His arms tightened around her, and he brought her face to his neck, her chest against his own. She was so lightweight. She was lighter than she had ever been. He pressed his cheek against her temple and he stared at the boy in Jean’s arms now.

It was so terrible of him to feel literally anything else but happiness when he laid eyes on that boy. He felt choked and bitter and terrified and overwhelmed.

Why was he like this? Why couldn’t he feel happy when he gazed at his son for the first time?

What was he going to do?

If Nathalie didn’t come to her senses, he’d go insane too. He needed her to help him walk through this. He had no idea how to raise a child and lead at the same time. He needed her.

He had always needed her. It was too foolish of him to keep pretending that he didn’t. Jean managed to make Eddie laugh. His laughter reached Erwin’s ears and only then did Erwin allow those tears to drop on his cheeks.

Was that happiness or despair? Erwin could no longer tell the difference. He hadn’t laughed genuinely in years. He hadn’t cried genuinely in just as long. But he was crying now. He was breaking down, holding his unconscious, insane wife, staring at their son, listening to his son’s laughter for the very first time.

Was he going to do the same? Was he going to die one day and leave his son behind? Let that poor child go through the same hell he did when his own father died? How ironic was it that Nathalie had named their son after his own father? The man who had shaped Erwin’s entire future without even realising. Everything Erwin ever did was for the sole purpose of seeing this old man’s dream realised.

And now that he had achieved that, it wasn’t over. No, his struggle was so far from over. He had an entire world to fight. He had an entire race to save and lead because if he didn’t, no one else would. The Premier and the Commanders and the Queen were incapable and useless.

He had a family. He had a son and a wife and suddenly Erwin’s life mattered. It never mattered to himself and he didn’t care how much it mattered to Nathalie – but it mattered to his son.

It mattered to his son, right?

Eddie shook his head and snapped out of it. “No. My daddy died four years ago.” He shook his head again. “Mommy said daddy died in the war long before I was born…”

“Edward-”

“…and that’s okay because papa Zeke is here now.”

Or had he been replaced?

Had he been replaced by the very man who had almost killed him? Why was Erwin holding Nathalie so tightly when she had possibly replaced him with his own nemesis?

Erwin shouldn’t get ahead of himself. He had missed his wife, but he had underestimated how complicated their relationship now was. It wasn’t just his love for her and her love for him. There were complications now. Things to talk about, things to clear out. Things that she had to explain.

He deserved an explanation, did he not?

༻◊۞◊༺

Headache. It wasn’t the usual, bearable headache. But it was that searing pain that Nathalie almost permanently had in her head ever since her crazy uncle began digging his way through her brain. She was lying down on a bed – or at least it felt like it. But then the pain was gone and it was replaced with… silence. Her mind was… silent. For the first time in years, there were no voices. No screams, no unsettling shrieks, no incomprehensible whispers.

There was nothing. It was quiet. Her mind was… quiet.

Nathalie was scared to open her eyes. Maybe she’d see those shadows at the corner of the room, staring at her with their yellow, devilish eyes. Maybe she’d see herself. The one with the long black hair and the red eyes. The woman that wasn’t anything like her but pretended to be. The woman who haunted her nights and every waking moment.

Nathalie knew she had to open her eyes eventually. She had no idea where she was. She had no idea what had happened. Her life had been absolute nothingness ever since the experiments started. All she remembered was the pain. The pain and that haunting feeling of helplessness and hopelessness.

My son!

Nathalie opened her eyes to the thought of something happening to her son. Her sweet little baby. But he was the first thing she saw. He was sleeping beside her on the bed that she had been lying. He had curled to her side, sleeping peacefully, but he sensed the movement on the bed and he opened his eyes and looked at her.

“Mommy!”

“Eddie!” Nathalie sat up and he climbed on her lap and she pulled him in her arms right away. She buried her face in his hair and she held him tightly. “My sweet baby… my darling boy…” she pressed kisses in his hair, on his forehead and he pulled back and looked at her. She cupped his cheek. “Are you okay? Did they take you? Did anybody hurt you?!” Nathalie looked around at the unfamiliar room. “Where are we?”

Eddie chuckled at the overload of questions. “It’s alright, mommy. We’re safe now.” He said merely and it wasn’t nearly enough to answer all her questions. He buried his little face in her neck and wrapped his little arms around her shoulders. She trusted him and he seemed smiley and relaxed which was a good sign.

Nathalie hugged him but she looked around the room. It looked… familiar. It looked like one of those rooms in the infirmary of the Survey Corps HQ.

Her eyes widened. Wait… did they…? Did they come back for her? Was she really in the Survey Corps HQ? There was no way… was there? There was a window to her side. It was bringing enough of the bright morning light inside the room. The curtain was dancing to the breeze and then she realised… she no longer had a bandaged tied around her head.

What…? She had a bandage around her head almost permanently. Her uncle never cared to close the hole that he had opened on her skull so a bandage and some cuttable stitches were all that kept her brain covered for months.

And why was her brain so quiet? After all those years of hearing to those screams almost permanently – now that there was none, it felt too quiet and almost… strange. Peacefulness was a stranger to her. It had been for so long.

Just when she was convinced that her demons had been scared off and that her defected mind had been finally cured, the door opened and he walked in.

Nathalie shut her eyes tight and she shook her head. No. She hadn’t been cured. It was too foolish of her to think that she could finally know peace. There was inside the room, and only she could see it. Erwin was always there in some corner of the room, staring at her, sometimes holding her. Some other times, telling her he loved her.

But it was always inside her mind. This time was no different. It was foolish of her to keep daydreaming that her husband was alive. The husband that she had mourned for so long, and so much.

“No…” Nathalie shook her head in denial, and she shut her eyes, clutching onto her son, clutching onto her reality. “…he’s just in my head.” She reminded herself out loud and Erwin’s eyes widened.

Did she really believe that he had died?

“Mr Erwin!”

When Eddie said that, her eyes snapped wide open. If Eddie could see him too then… then he wasn’t inside her mind. Then he wasn’t a ghost. If Eddie could see him then… he was alive. He was there. Her husband was… alive. Her beloved Erwin was… there. She looked at him. White shirt. His emerald bolo tie was tied around his neck. His hair was tucked perfectly in place – not a single strand flying in the air. Brown pants – was that a new pair?

Eddie pulled from her hug and he turned and looked at the man. Nathalie placed her hands on his shoulders and leaned towards her son.

“Can you… can you see him too?”

Eddie nodded and Erwin approached them both. He sat at the edge of the bed, finally with his wife and child. The tears that ran down her cheeks were enough of an indication to know that she actually believed that he was dead.

Was he really alive? All those times that she had mourned for him…

Was it all really for nothing?

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

"I love you, Nathalie Smith."

Chapter 97: Together At Last

Notes:

UNEDITED OFC nat and erwin meet and talk for the first time after soooo long i know it won't be satisfying enough but this discussion will conitnue on for many chaps

“Erwin…?”

He had forgotten how sweet his name sounded coming from her. Erwin knew he had many things to be mad at her about. He had many things to scold her for. She had left. She had left and she had taken their son with her. She had no right to leave and take his son away from him. And she had most possibly replaced him with Zeke. It was her fault that he wasn’t there to watch little Eddie be born. It was her fault that he wasn’t there for little Eddie, to watch him grow into this beautiful four-year-old boy he now was.

But maybe she thought he had died. Maybe she indeed thought that she had lost him. Erwin watched her as tears ran down her cheeks, but she wiped them away immediately before Eddie turned his head to see them.

“Mommy? Is Mr Erwin the man you told me about?”

Nathalie wanted to cry. She wanted to weep loudly, and she wanted to fall in Erwin’s arms. She wanted to scream his name. She wanted to hold him tightly. But she couldn’t allow her son to watch her crumble.

“Yes, darling…” her voice cracked, and her lips trembled. Tears ran down her cheeks again, but Eddie had his back turned on her, so she didn’t rush to wipe them. She stared at her husband with teary eyes. “…mommy thought… daddy was dead… so mommy mourned him… but… turns out… mommy was wrong all along.”

It was breaking his heart all over again. She really thought he was dead. Erwin believed her. She had no reason to lie. Nathalie was many things, but she wasn’t a liar. Even when she lied, her eyes betrayed her. It was so easy for him to tell when she was lying. But it was so painful to watch her wipe her cheeks away and force that utterly fake smile down on her son when he turned and looked at her.

It was painful to watch her fake that strength when she had none.

“So… Mr Erwin is my-”

Before Eddie had the chance to say another word, a knock came on the door and a woman walked in. Nathalie did not recognise her. She looked a little younger than she was. She had short brown hair – just like her own, and she was wearing a knee-length tight, dark blue skirt, and a white buttoned shirt, stuffed within it. She was… beautiful.

“Excuse me, but Commander, the meeting starts in five minutes.” She reminded him. She had been holding a bunch of folders in her hug.

Erwin got furious almost instantly. He didn’t show it, but Nathalie noticed it in the way he pursed his lips and looked down. “Make it ten.”

“B- But, sir-”

“I see my wife and child for the first time in four years.” Erwin pulled a hand up, shutting her up with that very gesture. His tone, strong and stern and dead serious. “Make. It. Ten.” He punctuated every single word and the woman nodded right away.

“U- Understood.” The woman walked out and closed the door and Erwin let out a long sigh, rubbing his forehead tiredly.

He looked tired. He looked more tired than she had ever seen him. What was the state of the island? What was the state of the world? How many burdens was he carrying, and how many more was she going to add?

“How are you feeling?” Erwin asked and Nathalie looked up at him, tensing up slightly.

“I… I’m okay… my… my mind it’s… it’s quiet…” Nathalie pressed her fingers against her temple and tried to focus on whether she felt some kind of pain, but there was none of it. No screaming. No pain. It was peaceful. “…too quiet, what did you… what did you do?”

“Aunty Hange said she fixed you.” Eddie responded and Nathalie smiled down at him. Hange… she had missed her. She had missed everyone so much. Moblit, Levi, Hange, Miche… no, she had killed Miche. And just like that, her smile faded. She remembered her letter. The things she told Erwin before all of this.

She told him to never look for her and he had done it. He had been alive for four years and only now did he bring her back home. He had tried to do it. He had tried to forget her. She told him she had killed his best friend. How did he still look at her like he loved her when she had done this? She had taken his son away from him.

She had loved another man.

If he resented her, she wouldn’t blame him.

“Erwin, I… I’m so sorry-”

“Rest.” Erwin cut her. He wasn’t even going to let her apologise. He turned at Eddie and smiled at him. Erwin ruffled his blonde, smooth hair and Eddie frowned.

“Hey-!”

“Yes, I am your dad.” Erwin picked him up.

He was light. He pulled his son in his arms and the more he looked at him, the more he realised he looked like himself. Edward had taken after his father. Erwin felt a sense of pride in that. He wasn’t really interested in solving everything that was wrong between him and his wife. His relationship with Nathalie would take such a long time to be like it once was.

“Then where have you been all this time?” Eddie frowned. His mom had been sad. She had tried so much to hide her tears from him and quiet down her sobs. In Eddie’s eyes, Erwin was the villain in this. Erwin was the man who left his mom and made his mom sad.

Erwin didn’t quite know how to answer that. Things were so very complicated and he probably looked like the man who had left him and his mother. He looked like the one at fault in this.

Nathalie had always been so perfect at victimising herself.

Erwin turned his face down. “I’m sorry.” He said. Nathalie had never heard this man apologise. “I’m sorry I didn’t come for you sooner. When your mother chose to leave, if I’d known she was carrying you…” Erwin looked at Nathalie “…I’d never let her go.”

Tears filled her eyes again. She wanted to apologise to him. She wanted so many things to tell him. She wanted to hug him. She wanted to beg for forgiveness because she had loved another man whilst she thought that he had died. But she could do none of that while Eddie was around. All that Eddie had to know, was that his parents were in love and happy together.

But that was far from reality.

“Erwin, I-” Nathalie’s arms reached for him, but Erwin pulled away from her touch. He stood up off the bed with Eddie in his hug, ignoring her completely and finally a sob erupted from her throat. Nathalie buried her face in her hands trying to quiet herself down and wipe her tears. He wasn’t letting her touch him. He was mad at her, and the second she’d touch him, that anger would be gone, and that would be unfair for him.

“But I’m here now.” Erwin said, turning his back on Nathalie, covering her pitiful state with his body. Eddie shouldn’t see her like this.

This is not how Erwin imagined his reunion with her.

“I’m here, and I’ll try my best to be the father you deserve.” Erwin was making a promise. To be loved by his son was his priority now. Nathalie was one of the many problems that he’d deal with later.

“Start by making mommy happy.” Eddie frowned deeply and Erwin’s eyes widened. That wasn’t the response that he was expecting.

That boy was too smart.

Maybe Erwin would have to let go of everything. The mending of his and Nathalie’s relationship should wait so it seemed. Or maybe, he’d just forgive everything and pretend like nothing had happened. Eddie was asking for his mom’s happiness and his father’s sadness. It didn’t matter. Erwin was a stranger to him.

“If that’s what you want.” Erwin nodded. He had to talk to Nathalie privately. He couldn’t talk to openly with their child around.

Eddie pressed his little hands on Erwin’s chest as if he wanted Erwin to let go of him. “I’ll go find Aunty Hange.” Erwin let him down on his feet and he rushed to the door. “Mommy and daddy need to talk.”

Eddie walked out of the room, pulling the door closed once he walked out. Erwin smiled. That boy was too smart. He should expect nothing less. He was a Burgess, but he was also a Smith. He felt some kind of pride in that too. She had done well to name him after his father.

“He’s very smart.” Erwin tucked his hands in the pockets of his pants and he stared at the closed door.

Nathalie chuckled and wiped her cheeks. “Burgess children grow faster intellectually than all other kids their age.”

She composed herself and she stood up off the bed and approached him. Her hand reached for him but she hesitated. She wanted to hug him. She wanted to cup his cheek and kiss him. But he had his back turned on her. She didn’t know what to say. She had no idea what to begin apologising about. There were so many terrible things that she had done. She had taken away from him his son. She had left him for four years. She had killed his best friend. She had loved another man while her husband was alive. She had loved Zeke.

She still loved Zeke.

“I don’t know where to begin apologising.” Nathalie knew an apology wasn’t enough. She would have never kissed Zeke if she knew her husband was alive. She would have never given herself to another man if she had known that Erwin was alive, waiting for her. Still, no response came from Erwin. He knew they had to talk, but he too had no idea what to say. “Erwin, I-”

“It’s fine.” Erwin finally turned and looked at her. He had his arms crossed against his chest. “I don’t ever want you to cry in front of our son again, is that understood?”

Cold. His eyes, his tone, his face. It was all ice cold. He didn’t seem to want to talk about anything. Nathalie nodded and she looked down. She couldn’t look at him in the eye.

“Yes.”

Her own husband felt foreign to her. He had that look in his eyes that she could not read. For once in her life, she had no idea what Erwin was thinking about. She didn’t look up. She turned her face down like a child about to be scolded by their parent. She was sorry for everything she had done, and he could tell. She didn’t have to say anything. Unlike her, he could tell what his spouse was thinking with just a look at her.

Was that easy for her to forget him?

Maybe she thought she was doing the right thing when she left him. Maybe I was indeed the right thing. But there was nothing right about being apart from her husband and he from his wife. Maybe she indeed thought that he had died.

No. He had calculated this wrong. Maybe it wasn’t easy for her to forget him at all. He shouldn’t jump into conclusions. Maybe she hadn’t replaced him with Zeke. Maybe she still loved him. Maybe she was happy to see him being alive and well.

Erwin had to think about it. But for now, it pained him to watch her sad and crying and terrified.

Before she knew it, he grabbed her hand and pulled her into a hug. Her eyes widened and her body stiffened in his hold. She found her own hands were trapped between their bodies, pressed against his chest. Was he really hugging her? After everything she had done? She hadn’t even apologised yet. She hadn’t even dropped on her knees to beg for forgiveness.

He wasn’t entirely innocent either. They were both at fault. He was the one who had let her go. She simply thought he was dead and she chose to move on, whilst he knew she was alive and was being held somewhere. He didn’t know where the asylum was located. He found out recently and he set up the operation to find her and bring her back. But he could have learned sooner about it. If he had tried harder, he wouldn’t have let her leave him in the first place.

They were both at fault.

But now she was there, and he was holding her. He tightened his arms around her waist and his hand reached for her hair, bringing her face to his chest. He had forgotten how small she was. He had forgotten how precious she was to him. How dare he forget? He had tried too hard to stop thinking about her. He had put so much effort into convincing himself that she wasn’t important enough. That if she had lost her mind, then what was the point of bringing her back?

But she seemed sane now, after what Hange did to her with Moblit’s help and their team.

Erwin buried his face in her hair and he drew in her scent. He closed his eyes and his shoulders relaxed instantly. Her hands slowly gave in and wrapped tightly on his shirt in small fists. She didn’t want him to go anywhere. He was holding her. Erwin was holding her. Her husband who she thought for so long to be dead and gone – he was there now, and he was holding her. He was holding her despite leaving him and hurting him and betraying him in ways she could never utter. She had loved another man. How dare she?

Nathalie wept. She didn’t know whether it was happiness or relief or pain and sorrow because she had mourned for him for so long while he had been alive all along. All those nights that she spent crying because she was missing him. All those times she wept because he was all she could think about but all she did was remind herself that he was gone. She reminded herself that he was dead even though he wasn’t. All those nights she hugged her pillows or her son and imagined him being there. When Eddie made his first steps and said his first words, she had imagined Erwin being there.

But she kept telling herself that he was gone. He was dead and she was left alone to raise a child – their child.

“I missed you…” Nathalie wept and gripped his shirt and tears ran down her cheeks. She pulled on his shirt trying to get closer to him. “I missed you!” She wailed. She said it louder this time. She was breaking down. “I missed you so much… I missed my husband… I missed my best friend, my lover, my Erwin… I missed you… I love you, I’m so sorry… I’m sorry, I love you so much, please, I love you, I never stopped loving you-!”

He kissed her. He caught her hair, pulling her head back so that he could look at her, and before she had the chance to say another word, he kissed her. He tasted her tears on her tongue. He found her sweet taste. His fingers clenched around her hair, her gown. He picked her up. He sat down on the bed and pulled her in his lap. His mouth didn’t leave her own not even for a second. He had missed her. He had missed her just as much. Above everything, he regretted not telling her loved her.

But he was going to say it today. No, he was going to say it right now.

He pulled back to look at her and she gave him that hazy look that he adored whenever he pulled back from a kiss. He cupped her cheek, running his rough thumb across her tender skin.

“I love you, Nathalie.”

Her eyes widened. Did he just…? She couldn’t believe it. She needed him to say it again. After all this time. After everything they had been through together.

“He never told me he loved me.” She remembered confessing that to Zeke. She remembered how much she had regretted it. Letting her husband die and not having her heard him say those three words that Zeke said so fast. Maybe it was because Zeke had said those words that she fell for him. But now, Erwin finally told her he loved her. After all this time.

“I’m sorry I never told you. I’m sorry I let you go without telling you I love you.” Erwin cupped her face, and he wiped away the tears from her cheeks with his blistered knuckles. “I’m sorry it took me so long to find you. I told myself I was honouring your wish to forget you, but in reality, I was being a coward. I can pick up a fight against the entire world, but I am a coward when it comes to you, Nathalie.”

She made him so weak. She made him give in and she didn’t really have to do anything. All she had to do was look at him with those eyes. Those huge, blue eyes that he had missed so much. She had been dealing with a sickness that was far worse than any other. A sickness of the mind. It was unacceptable of him to accuse her. He wasn’t the only one who just had too many things to deal with.

He should love her and be there for her.

That was all he wanted to do.

“I love you, Nathalie Smith.” Erwin smiled at her warmly and tears filled her eyes again but this time, it was happiness. He loved her. Her husband loved her.

She laughed happily and she wiped away the tears that slipped down her cheeks without permission. “You said it…” she laughed again. She could hardly believe it “…you said it, but…” she cupped his cheeks and smiled at him warmly “…you never had to. You always showed it. I always knew you loved me. I could always tell in the way you kissed me… in the way you held me… so tight, like you’re doing now.”

His heart fluttered at her words. She had always known him so well. Nathalie wrapped her arms around his shoulders and she buried her face in his neck.

“I’m sorry I surrendered. I’m sorry I left you. I’m sorry I killed Miche and Nanaba and his entire squad. I was so dangerous, I couldn’t sleep in the nights beside you knowing I might lose control and kill you. I couldn’t stay-”

“You should’ve told me you were suffering like this.” Erwin cupped her face and pulled back to look at her. “You should have told me. We would have been able to solve this together-”

“I didn’t want to burden you, my love. You were already so very much burdened.” Nathalie cut him. “You still are and I can tell it’s more, now.”

He was more burdened now than he had ever been. He never planned to lead an entire race, but with the way things had come to be, he didn’t really have a choice.

A knock came on the door. “The meeting’s in two minutes, sir!”

Erwin sighed. He wanted to spend all day beside her, but he didn’t have that luxury. Nathalie cupped his cheeks and urged him to look at her.

“Go. I’ll be waiting.” Nathalie smiled at him.

For the first time in so long he’d have someone to wait for him. Usually, she’d accompany him in all those meetings but now she wasn’t a member of the Survey Corps anymore. He would make her again if she wanted to, but something told him she’d focus on raising their son.

Erwin kissed her once more and she giggled against his lips. He didn’t give a single damn about that meeting, honestly. The officers could wait for him a minute or two. She was all he cared about right now. She and their son. It must have been so hard trying to raise a son on her own. She hadn’t yet told him she was sorry to try to move on. She was sorry to love another man. She hadn’t yet told him how sorry she was.

But they weren’t given enough time.

Erwin pulled from the kiss to see her smile at last. “Hange will pass by in a moment. She’ll brief you through everything that’s happened in the last four years.” He stood up and made his way to the door. “Meet me in my office at 6. You and our son will be staying in my quarters until I’m finished searching for a location to build our home.”

A home? He was moving so fast. He had everything under control, didn’t he?

“A- Alright!”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

What have I done? What was she going to tell Erwin? Eddie would certainly talk about Zeke. Erwin would find out that she had been… a cheater. She loved another man while her husband was alive and well. She slept and kissed and confessed to another man.

What have I done? How was she hoping to make up for that? Erwin must have stayed loyal to her. He knew she was alive. He definitely stayed loyal. But she? She fell in love with his murderer.

Chapter 98: Catching Up

Notes:

sorry this took so long y'all, still haven't finished writing a chap but here u go

tysm for the awesome support imma try to respond to your awesome comments soon uwu

“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE FINALLY HERE!” Hange’s voice came loud and excited and Nathalie jumped from her bed and rushed to her. She couldn’t believe she was there. Nathalie couldn’t believe she was seeing Hange. She had missed her so much.

“Hange!” Nathalie fell in Hange’s arms.

They both started crying and screaming at each other. Hange wrapped her by her shirt and started shaking her with such ease.

“WHY DID YOU LEAVE, YOU DUMBASS, I COULD’VE BROKEN THROUGH YOUR HEAD MYSELF!” Hange cried out, clearly pissed but still crying and happy to see her. She had missed Nathalie just as much. Hange wiped away her tears, pulling her goggles on top of her head, before she pulled Nathalie back into a suffocating hug. “You left me alone with all those idiots here, do you have any idea how hard it was to-?!”

“Hey! Who did you call an idiot?!” Moblit’s voice came from behind and Nathalie pulled back. Her eyes widened.

“Moblit!”

Nathalie hugged him too tightly. Both Hange and Moblit hadn’t changed that much, but it had been so long. She had missed them both so much.

“Come here.” Moblit laughed and wrapped his arms around her as she buried her face in his shoulder. “How dare you leave me with this maniac? Have you got any idea how many times Hange set the lab on fire?!”

Nathalie laughed and she pulled back to look at him – at them both. She wiped her cheeks. “I missed you both. I missed you all.” She sniffled and laughed happily. “Eddie said you fixed me. How did you do that?” Nathalie looked at Hange and she crossed her arms against her chest.

“The files we retrieved from the asylum claimed that the Burgesses indeed have an organism inside their heads and that’s what drives them insane…” Hange started explaining “…but when I opened up your head, there was nothing in it. It was your brain, but parts of it were missing, that’s why you couldn’t respond when I or anyone else talked to you.”

“So, we thought…” Moblit continued “…somebody cut parts of your brain and we needed to regenerate the missing parts. Plus, we also needed to plug the hole on your skull.”

“We didn’t really do anything great, we just injected you with the serum and it restored your brain and the hole to your skull.” Hange finished explaining.

“It worked?! Does the vaccine work too? What about the other serum? The one that turns titans into humans, did that work too?!” Nathalie asked. So many questions. She didn’t know anything, didn’t she? Locked in asylum for so long, she barely knew anything about the state of the world right.

Hange nodded and smiled. “Everything you fixed that day… it worked, Nat.”

“Let’s sit down.” Moblit suggested. “We have a lot of catching up to do.”

They talked for hours that day. Almost everybody on the island had been vaccinated. They told her how Erwin was literally the man who was doing everything. The Queen, the Premier and the Generals and Commanders were merely following Erwin’s every step and order. Erwin was the one leading Paradis right now. Erwin had managed to gain the favour of twenty-four countries. He had managed to close business deals and partnerships and trading relations with twenty-four countries. That was a lot. Thirty-seven were the countries that were on Marley’s side, but the ones left, Erwin had managed to win them over.

He must have worked so hard. He must have done so much. It was exactly why he looked so tired, so exhausted.

And while Erwin was working so very hard, she had been loving another man.

The guilt settled in her stomach right away.

What have I done? What was she going to tell Erwin? Eddie would certainly talk about Zeke. Erwin would find out that she had been… a cheater. She loved another man while her husband was alive and well. She slept and kissed and confessed to another man.

What have I done? How was she hoping to make up for that? Erwin must have stayed loyal to her. He knew she was alive. He definitely stayed loyal. But she? She fell in love with his murderer.

What have I done?

Was she even going to tell Erwin about this?

Probably not. She wasn’t going to tell anyone about this. Zeke had killed hundreds of Scouts. Zeke was the enemy. She fell for the enemy. But Zeke gave her so much. He gave her everything she needed to go through that hell. If it weren’t for Zeke, things would have been insufferable. What was she going to tell Erwin? If she didn’t tell him, he would find out. He would find out everything on his own and then things would get worse.

Nathalie was panicking internally. She had almost forgotten how it felt like. Having to be… careful around the man that she had married. Trying to talk to him at a certain sweet way – a certain way that would keep him calm and composed and it would help him understand why she had done what she had done.

She’d make him a cup of tea and bring him a slice of her cake and sit on his lap and kiss him. She’d kiss him and let him bury his face in her neck, let him hold her for a while. He’d melt beneath her touch, wouldn’t he? Especially after so long. He would have left his guard down and she’d be able to be honest and tell him the truth. She’d tell him that she had loved another man. She had loved his murderer.

What would his reaction be? He would probably shove her off of him and… what else would he do? He would hate and resent her and she wouldn’t blame him. She wouldn’t blame him at all. She should probably drop on her knees and beg for forgiveness. She couldn’t let him keep loving her blindly while he didn’t know what she had done.

But did she really love Zeke? Of course, I do! Zeke had been kind and gentle and sweet to her. Zeke had been there for her, to help her deal with the loss and the pain and her condition. Zeke had been such a sweet father to her babyboy who had lost his father.

But whose fault was that?

It was all her fault. She was the one who had left in the first place.

She was the one who had left Erwin.

Nathalie hadn’t weighed how dire the situation was. What was she going to do? She was going to lose him, wasn’t she? Was she still going to end up alone? But she wouldn’t blame him if he resented her. She wouldn’t blame him if he hated her for now, for this, and for the rest of their lives. She had to tell him the truth.

She would tonight. She had to be honest.

“You don’t ever have to tell me you love me, but I love you, so please just let me,”

“I love you, but you don’t ever have to say it back, and you don’t have to feel guilty about not saying it.”

“Don’t leave me. You don’t ever have to tell me you love me, just please, don’t leave me.”

You don’t ever have to. She had told him so many times that he didn’t have to tell her he loved her. She had told him so many times that it was okay by her. That she’d keep loving him even when he didn’t say it. She told him the same, today.

“You said it, but… you never had to. You always showed it. I always knew you loved me. I could always tell in the way you kissed me… in the way you held me… so tight, like you’re doing now.”

She was right. He always showed her he loved her. He always showed in the way he kissed her and had her and held her and looked at her. He always looked at her like he loved her. Then why the fuck was she lamenting it? Why did it hurt so much when she thought he was dead and he hadn’t yet said it?

“He never told me he loved me.”

Why did she denigrate the relationship with her husband with some other man? Why did she kiss Zeke? Why did she tell Zeke she loved him? Why did she let Zeke touch her in ways only Erwin had? Why?!

What have I done?!

What was she going to tell Erwin? She’d spend the rest of her life on her knees if he chose to forgive her for all of this. She’d spend the rest of her life indebted and grateful.

Why was she so terrible at living?

Nathalie tried to snap out of it while Hange went on and on about how in the eyes of the world, it was Hange and Moblit the geniuses behind the vaccine and Nathalie’s name had been erased. Nathalie didn’t care too much about it. Fame and reputation were never something she chased after. Besides, she loathed attention. The only one’s attention she ever chased after was Erwin’s.

She had to focus on fixing their marriage. She had to focus on talking to him and being honest with him. She had to fix this because she was on the wrong, and she knew that, and she’d try her best to fix it.

Eddie deserved to grow in a healthy family.

“…Oh! Miche and Nanaba got engaged like two months ago-”

Nathalie’s eyes widened. She must have not heard correctly. Miche was dead, wasn’t he? She had killed him and she had blamed herself for it for so long. She had killed Miche and his squad, so there was no way Nanaba was alive either.

“What?” Nathalie cut her. She looked confused and only then did Moblit realise that Nathalie must have still thought that Miche and his squad were dead. They hadn’t yet told her. She had just gained back her sanity. “But I… I killed… I killed Miche, I did it without even realising, that’s why I left in the first place, because I was dangerous and I could hurt you all the same-”

“We know.” Hange cut her and placed a hand on her shoulder.

“But Section Commander Miche is alive. Both he and his squad.” Moblit said and Nathalie’s eyes widened. Admittedly, her memory of that day was still unclear. She remembered hurting them all brutally, and then they went missing for months. The only explanation that made sense was that she had killed them.

“I need to talk to them!” Nathalie placed a hand on Hange’s shoulder so that she could pull herself up on her feet. “I need to apologise, even though… I know an apology is not enough, but I need to do something. I hurt them so much, they won’t ever forgive me, I need to-”

“You don’t have to.”

A voice came from the door and Nathalie looked at the door to see Miche. He was right there. The last time she had seen him… it was but an illusion inside her defective mind. What if this was another illusion? Nathalie had learned to expect the worst. Maybe she hadn’t even be cured at all. Maybe she wasn’t even on Paradis and this was all a desperate dream.

Nathalie had learned to question her reality.

She brought a hand to her temple, contemplating on whether everything was real or not. “You’re… you’re just in my head, aren’t you?” It was so foolish of her to actually believe that she had returned home and her husband was alive, and Miche was alive and she could be redeemed for his death. It was all a dream. She chuckled bitterly. “This isn’t real, is it?” She turned and looked at Hange and Moblit, both of them sitting on both her sides at the edge of the bed. “You look so real.”

“What?” Hange had never felt so confused.

“You all look so real… and for a moment I actually believed that Erwin and Miche were alive. I actually believed that my husband was… alive…” how foolish of her? Her life was never all rainbows and roses. Happiness was never that easy to get. She shouldn’t expect it to come now. Nathalie buried her face in her hands and she shut her eyes tight. She was going to wake up from this dream any moment now and she’d be back in that asylum.

She’d find herself tied to a chair, sedated, but just enough to keep her conscious but unable to move. Just enough to watch the sick scientists dig through her skin with their lancets. Injecting things into her that burned and keeping her skull open for their twisted experiments. She remembered how much she wanted to scream but she couldn’t. How much she wanted to cry and writhe and run. That had been her reality for so long. She was being experimented on like this for an entire year.

“Of course, he’s not alive… of course, I’ll wake up in the lab… tied down… a test subject… a lab rat… he’s not alive… he’s gone…”

She was weeping now. They were talking to her, but she couldn’t hear a word. Tears dropped warm and salty down her cheeks like waterfalls. She was going to wake up any moment. This had all been a dream. A so incredibly, realistic dream. She couldn’t go back home because she was a murderer. She had killed Miche and his squad and she had confessed to that murder. She couldn’t go back home because she was dangerous. Hange and Moblit shouldn’t be sitting beside her. Miche shouldn’t be in the same room with her. She would hurt all three of them. She would hurt everyone inside the building.

She was dangerous. There was no way she was there.

“Mommy?”

If she was in the lab, she wouldn’t have heard her son’s voice. No, they hadn’t yet started experimenting on her son. They were waiting for him to grow – or so they had said when she had asked them, all panicking and terrified. They said he was too young and it wouldn’t help in anything if they experimented on him right now.

She wiped her tears right away and she looked up at her son. Eddie was right there, with those huge blue eyes and his little hands reached for her. She pulled him on her lap right away, hugging him tightly.

“What’s real, mommy?” He had noticed how papa Zeke used to calm her down with those simple words. Ever since papa Zeke stopped visiting, Eddie had been keeping his mom sane in the same way papa Zeke used to do. It seemed to work on her.

“You’re real.” The response came in an instant. She was holding him. He was real. She buried her face in his little shoulder and shut her eyes. He was real. This was real. Her baby kept her sane.

Eddie pulled back and looked at her. “They’re real too.” He pointed collectively at Hange and Moblit, and Miche, who was now kneeling on the floor in front of her. They were giving her concerned looks and that’s when it dawned on her.

She had had a breakdown, and that was only the start.

“I’m so sorry, I…” Nathalie looked down in shame. “…I can’t tell what’s real anymore.”

  Miche could tell. Insanity had a certain scent and look. She had been carrying it ever since the day he first met her. “It’s alright.” He propped a hand on his bent knee. He should change the subject. “This little guy and I went out shopping today.” Miche grinned and Nathalie’s eyes widened as she looked at him.

“Yeah! We got clothes, and teddies and bedtime stories and snacks!” Eddie cried out in excitement and Nathalie’s lips curled into a large, grateful smile. She ruffled her sweet babyboy’s hair and he giggled.

“Really?”

“Really!”

Nathalie looked at Miche with that large smile on her lips and tears of gratefulness already filling her eyes. “Thank you, Miche… thank you so much…”

“Nah, don’t thank me, thank Nanaba.” Miche stood up on his two feet and scratched his nape. “She’s the one who picked the clothes.”

Nathalie laughed happily. She couldn’t believe they were alive. She hadn’t killed them after all. She hadn’t killed her husband’s best friend. She wanted to hug him. Beg him for forgiveness and hug him. Tell him how glad she was to see him being alive and well.

“I’m so glad… I’m so thankful… I’m so sorry, I-”

“It’s alright, Nat.” Miche gave her a smile. “You were unwell. But you’re alright now, and you’re here with us.”

Hange nodded. “What he said.”

༻◊۞◊༺

“Nat!”

She laughed and smiled brightly at both Armin and Mikasa that rushed to her. She pulled them both in a tight, shared hug. They had grown so much. Jean, Sasha and Connie gathered around as well. They were at the Mess Hall. It was quite empty right now, dinner time hadn’t yet arrived, but the five of them would gather in Mess Hall at this hour almost every day to discuss the situation – or at least, that’s what Hange said.

“Aw, my sweet babies, look at you! You’ve grown so much!” Nathalie pulled back and cupped Mikasa’s and Armin’s cheeks. “And so beautiful!”

“We missed you so much, Nat!” Connie cried out before he pulled her into a hug and Sasha fell into that hug as well.

“I’ve been trying to make your cake recipes, but they didn’t turn out that good!” Sasha cried out in Nathalie’s shoulders and Nathalie laughed.

“Well, that’s alright, I’m here now.” Nathalie smiled brightly and Jean was the last one to pull into a tight hug. “Oh my! You’ve grown so tall, Jean.”

Jean chuckled and leaned down to hug her small figure. “That’s what mom always tells me.”

“It’s true!” Nathalie turned at Connie and cupped his cheek. “How’s your mom? Did the serum work?”

Connie nodded right away. “She’s human… living a normal life in Trost now. Thanks to you, Nat. I never got to thank you.”

“Aw you don’t have to, darling. I’m glad she’s okay.”

“Nat, Eren…” Mikasa didn’t finish the sentence and Nathalie nodded.

“I know. Hange told me.” Eren had left a long time now to look for her. Nathalie was already coming up with a plan on bringing him back. “We’ll find him, darling. I’ll bring him back myself, I promise you. I’ll discuss this with the Commander as soon as I get the chance.” Nathalie tried to reassure her. Erwin was very busy. She wasn’t even sure if she’d get to see him some time later tonight.

“I’ve got a meeting to attend with the Commander.” Armin informed them. “We’ll talk again soon, Nat.”

Nathalie smiled at him. She was so proud of him. Hange said he had been working closely with Erwin to take the reins of the Survey Corps one day. “Go. I’m so proud of you.”

“So you got a son, huh?” Jean arched an eyebrow.

“Is it really the Commander’s?” Connie asked curiously.

“Of course, he is!” Nathalie said. “Before I get back to him…” Hange had insisted on babysitting “…how about we make that cake?”

“Hell yeah!”

“I’m coming too!”

“I’ve been waiting for this for so long!”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

“I’m so sorry, I moved on. I was having one visitor almost every month, and
I... I fell for him... I moved on with him-"

“Stop, Nathalie.” Erwin cut her firmly. “If you’re about to say something that’s going to ruin our marriage, then don’t say it at all.”

next chap is on fire btw but it's still kinda teasing u eehheheheeh

Chapter 99: Betrayal

Notes:

some angsty angst my specialty ehehehehehehe

“Mommy?”

“Hmm?”

“When is Mr Erwin going to come back from work?”

Nathalie smiled. It was night now. She had prepared Eddie for bed. Erwin’s huge double bed was too big for Eddie and her both. She was lying down, with her sweet babyboy in her arms. His little head laid on her chest and her back rested on the wooden headboard. She ran her hand through his back soothingly as he pressed his ear to her chest, listening to his mom’s heartbeat. It always soothed him better than any other bedtime story or lullaby.

Nathalie had been reading him a bedtime story but apparently, he wasn’t paying too much attention to it. She had settled Eddie’s new clothes in their shared closet. When Nathalie opened Erwin’s closet, she realised, everything was there. Her clothes were still there. Her skirts and shirts and dresses were still hanging beside his shirts and trousers and coats. Even that red dress that he had once bought her and she had only worn it once.

Erwin had kept everything of her own. Her notebooks were still there, on the bookcase behind his desk. Her books on titan biology were also still there in those bookshelves. Erwin had kept everything. He hadn’t thrown away her clothes. Maybe he had been planning for so long to come rescue her.

Her sweet man.

And how deeply was she going to hurt him now when she’d tell him everything. He hadn’t come back. He said he’d be there at five, but now it was 10 pm and both Nathalie and Eddie were growing sleepy. Eddie should’ve been asleep by now but he seemed deep in thought.

Nathalie let down the book beside her on the nightstand and she brought the blanket further up hers and Eddie’s little body. She frowned when the realisation hit her. Mr Erwin.

“Why are you calling him ‘Mr Erwin’? He is your father. You can call him dad, or daddy, or papa-”

“The only person I call papa, is papa Zeke.”

That was going to be a massive problem, wasn’t it? She was thankful that Erwin wasn’t there to hear him say that. She didn’t quite know what to say to her sweet baby. Of course, Zeke had been his one and only father figure ever since birth. Zeke was the first one to hold him.

She had replaced Erwin with Zeke in Eddie’s eyes. Maybe in her own heart as well. How terrible? How awful? What was she thinking? If only she had known that Erwin was alive. If she had known, Eddie wouldn’t be confused right now about who was his father. Sure, Eddie knew that his biological father was Erwin.

But Zeke was there. And whose fault was that? It was her own fault.

She’d have to pay accordingly.

“Listen, darling…” Nathalie pulled back to look at him and he lifted his little head to look at his mom “…I know you loved papa Zeke, and I loved him too-”

“I still do.” Eddie buried his face back in her neck. It looked like he was refusing to have that conversation. He was still holding that monkey teddy in one arm and he held it closer to him in his hug. “I miss him.” It came as a sad protest and she sighed heavily, pressing her cheek on his temple.

“I miss him too.”

She couldn’t believe she had just said that. It almost came out automatic. Did she mean it? She bit her tongue. She wasn’t supposed to be missing Zeke. Her husband was alive. Erwin was alive and there. He’d walk in any moment now and she’d have to smile at him and tell him everything.

She had an uncomfortable pit in her stomach. She hadn’t been able to eat anything today. Maybe she wouldn’t eat anything tomorrow either. Just thinking about the things that they had done to her when she was tied down, unable to do anything but just take it-

It made her nauseous.

It made her stomach churn. It made her want to vomit even though her stomach was empty. But she had to smile for her son and her husband and her friends. She had to smile because she was finally there with them. She had to be warm for Eddie to lie onto her even though she was freezing.

“Let’s just sleep, my darling.” Nathalie placed a kiss on his little forehead and her one hand reached for the lamp on the nightstand. It was marvellous how they had already established electricity and warm water within the buildings and households of Paradis. “Do you want the light on?”

Eddie made a hum of agreement, and he closed his eyes and nuzzled into her. She let the dim light of the lamp on. There wasn’t any other light in Erwin’s quarters but this one. The two of them slowly drifted to sleep.

And it was a wonderful sight for Erwin to come back to.

He never thought he’d have this. He never thought he’d ever get to come back ‘home’ after a long, tiresome day, to his wife and child. He never thought it could feel so good. He had never looked at something more beautiful than this. The newspapers were saying nothing today about her.

Erwin Smith’s wife was back – a Burgess – the Burgess who was actually the true genius behind the vaccine. It would have made a massive headline, especially the fact, that they had a child. Erwin Smith had a son. Everybody would be talking about it, not just on Paradis, but in the entire world. He had made friends with most world leaders out there.

But Erwin had kept their mouths shut. All newspapers were silenced today, and he had done it to protect her and the boy. He was a man targeted by so many people from so many countries right now. Nathalie and his son would have been in grave danger if the world found out that they were his family.

For now, they were safe. They were safe and so very precious right there on his bed, sleeping peacefully. She was so beautiful. Back against the headboard, her head had rolled to the side. Steady breaths escaped her nose and their son – their sweet boy was on her chest, nuzzling in her neck. Erwin had a son. It had taken him so much effort to convince himself that this was real. I have a son. A son that looked exactly like him.

Tears welled his eyes again as he watched them. Erwin stood by the entrance of his bedroom, pressing some of his weight on the doorframe. He was never one to feel emotions so intensely. He was never one to cry so easily. But he had a son. He was a father. After everything that he and Nathalie had been through, they finally had this. A family.

Actually, he had had a family for four years now and he had no idea. Guilt built up beneath his chest. He should have found her sooner. She had given birth to their son without him by her side. He had left her. And now, he was needed everywhere. Everybody was asking for him. He hadn’t spent enough time with her neither with his son. He should have brought her home sooner. He lamented his choices four years ago when he told himself that what was the point of bringing her back if she had lost her mind?

He had given up on her. He had left her raise their child on her own while also dealing with this mind-breaking disease. He had left her deal with everything on her own.

“Erwin…?” Her sweet voice came hoarse from sleep.

He had his arms crossed against his chest, pressing his weight on the doorframe. A soft smile on his lips. Sleeves rolled up to his elbows. His bolo tie was missing. He had probably taken it off. Blonde hair messy. Eyes soft. He looked so handsome. She couldn’t believe she had forgotten how perfect her husband was. He stood straight and approached her. He sat by the edge of the bed beside them and his smile grew when he looked at Eddie’s small sleeping figure. He was drooling slightly and Erwin chuckled taking out his handkerchief, wiping the mess he’d made on his mom’s chest.

Nathalie smiled. “Somebody’s fallen sound asleep.” She whispered, pressing a warm kiss on Eddie’s forehead.

“I’m sorry it took me so long.” Erwin said and she shook her head.

“It’s alright…” Her hand reached for his own. He took her hand in his own and laced their fingers together. “…I know you’re busy.” She smiled in understanding. He was carrying the entire world on his shoulders. Of course, she would support him.

He brought her hand up to his lips, pressing a kiss on the back of her palm. “You should sleep.”

“No…” she shook her head “…if you’re staying up, I’m staying up with you.”

Nathalie settled Eddie gently in the middle of the bed with his head comfortably on a pillow and she covered his little body with the blanket. Before she had the chance to pull herself up on her feet, Erwin wrapped his arms around her. He dragged her close to him and buried his face in her neck. Nathalie almost let out a yelp at the sudden movement, but she muffled herself and smiled and wrapped her arms around him.

She buried her fingers in his hair and he tried to hold back a groan. He had missed her. He had missed her so much. The gentle movements of her fingers were so tender. It always soothed him no matter what was happening in the world. No matter the burdens that he carried on his shoulders, she was capable of taking them off even for a moment. He had missed that. He had missed his wife. His sweet little Nathalie. He picked her up with such ease and settled her on his lap. She giggled quietly. She couldn’t remember the last time he had held her like this. She couldn’t even calculate how many times she had imagined him holding her.

“Have you got any idea how many times I’ve imagined you like this?” Erwin pulled back to look at her. Blue eyes met her own and his arms tightened around her, tugging her closer to him. All those nights, sitting by his desk. All he had done was daydream like some desperate old man whose wife was gone. He had been missing her so much. “I’ll never let you go anywhere ever again.”

“Erwin-”

“You’re mine, Nathalie.” His arms got impossibly tight around her. She didn’t know whether she should be alarmed or dazed. Heck, she didn’t even know how she was still breathing. But he cupped her cheek with a featherlike touch. “You’re all mine, and I love you and our son.” He pressed his forehead against her own and he looked at those eyes that he had missed so much. “Let’s be a proper family. Together.”

She smiled at him brightly.

She wanted that. She wanted it more than anything. A family with Erwin had been her dream ever since she was a teenage girl. But now, things were so complicated. He did not deserve a woman like her. She had cheated on him. He did not deserve a cheater. He did not deserve someone who didn’t love him enough. She had loved another man. She had told herself to forget all about her ‘dead’ husband.

Maybe there was no going back now. She wished they could go back to the day they had married. She wished she could erase the past four years. She wished she had never left him. But did she really have a choice? Could she really choose to stay and risk hurting him? She could have lost control any moment and she could have killed him.

How could she live with herself if she killed her own husband just because she was going insane?

She was alright now and she was there, in her husband’s arms, being held tight and warm. She loved him. But she had made so many mistakes, she had no idea how she would atone. She’d do anything. Anything he asked her to.

And just like that, her smile faded, and she looked down and away from him, not daring to look at him in the eye. “I wish we could.”

Erwin’s smile faded. What did she mean by that? Why couldn’t they? “What do you mean?” He asked, confused.

“I… I’ve got so many things I want to tell you.”

Erwin nodded. He stood up and he placed her gently down on her feet. “Then let us discuss in my office.”

Nathalie nodded and she watched him as he headed for the door. He walked out of the bedroom, and she wrapped her white robe around her body. She was merely wearing her sleeveless, white gown. She tied the sash around her waist, giving herself a little more decency.

When she entered his office, he had switched on a lamp on his desk and he had already sat down and began working on paperwork. His desk was full as always. Not much had changed, except maybe the lamps hanging from the ceilings and standing by the furniture.

He was sitting there, working on his paperwork. He ran a hand through his messy blonde hair, and he dipped the pen once more in that pot of ink that stood to his side. He must have been so tired. This must have been such a long day for him and now it was 11 pm and he was still working. How much was she going to worsen his day now if she started talking about…

She didn’t have the courage to say the truth. She had kissed another man. She had convinced herself she loved another man. She had let another man touch her. All the while, Erwin was alive and looking for her. Eddie considered that other man his father, despite being reunited with his real father.

I love you both, Erwin told her just a moment ago, even though she knew, Eddie didn’t yet consider him his father and it was hard for her to go back to the way things were. She wanted to fall madly in love with Erwin again. She wanted him to hold her, but she didn’t want her body to be stiff in his arms. She didn’t want his touch to feel so foreign. It shouldn’t. He was her husband. He was the man that she had spent her entire life falling for.

Still, she had allowed herself to fall for his murderer. She should be on her knees begging for forgiveness. She deserved his resentment.

She would ruin everything if she opened her mouth and started speaking the truth. She was a coward. Maybe she couldn’t do this. She didn’t want to ruin his day. He must have been so tired.

Nathalie walked towards the bookcases behind him. He had divided her books and notebooks. Some were still on her side of the bookcase, but some others were piled up nearby his own side. She traced her notebooks, remembering all the nights she had spent, spitting blood and coughing up tissue from her ruined brain as she recalled knowledge from the past, killing herself in the process, trying to finish the research that Hange and Moblit were taking all the credit for.

She didn’t really mind it though. The only thing that bothered her was that Erwin was the one to suggest hiding Dr Nathalie Burgess from the eyes of the world. She had struggled for that research. She had struggled for the people of Paradis and she hoped that one day – after she’d finish the research, she’d publish it, and she’d finally, officially earn the title of a Doctor.

But her research wasn’t her own anymore. It must have been so selfish of her, but after all those nights she spent passing out on the lab counter and literally risking her health, her life for it – she hoped to at least get a thanks.

It bothered her more than she was letting out. Now, she’d have to research something else and start all over. But now, she had a child and a husband. There was no way she could devote herself to her research right now. She had no time.

It bothered her, but she ignored it.

Don’t be mean and narrowminded. Erwin had simply done this to protect her. He put Hange and Moblit on the spotlight. Nathalie would just have to research something else in the near future. Cancer was a major issue in the world of medicine. Maybe she could focus on that. But there was no way she’d hand over her research to her husband ever again. No, she wouldn’t hand it over to anyone.

“You kept my books and notebooks…” Nathalie brushed those thoughts aside and she smiled as she ran her fingers through the shelves, recognising the titles and the leather wrappings. “…but you have them… separated?”

“The pile on the right are the ones I’ve read.” Erwin said and her eyes widened. Erwin had sat down to read books on… biology? Why would he do that? And he had read so many. So many and huge and full of advanced stuff that he didn’t have to know, including all of her Notebooks. He stopped scribbling down for a moment. “They made me feel… closer to you.”

Her heart fluttered. She could just never be mad at this man, could she? He had done everything he could to keep her safe, she understood that. And he had read those books – her books, because he had just missed her so much.

She felt guilt because she had given up on him and she had moved on from him, while he hadn’t. He’d never give up on her.

Nathalie dropped on her knees, and she clung on his leg. His eyes widened. What the hell was she doing?! He let down the pen and he turned and looked at her. He tried to wrap his arms around her, to pick her back up. Why was she kneeling at him all of a sudden with her face turned down like some child that had done something terrible and was about to be scolded by their parent? She had confused him entirely.

“I’m so sorry.” She said before his hands had the chance pick her back up. Before he had the chance to question that utterly absurd action. “I’m so sorry, I moved on. I thought you were dead, so I mourned you. I mourned you and it worsened my condition so much. I was alone trying to raise a child on my own in an asylum. But I was having one visitor almost every month, and I- I moved on with him-”

“Stop, Nathalie.” Erwin cut her firmly.

He didn’t want to hear another word. She looked up at him with glistening eyes and salty cheeks, clutching on his pants, on his leg, grovelling. He’d never seen her like this. She had kicked away all decency and dignity and self-esteem and confidence and self-worth. He hated watching her like this because Nathalie was strong. She was supposed to be strong. She was the strongest woman he’d ever met. She was supposed to be standing on her own two feet and telling him everything with determination and a fire in her eyes, ready to force him to believe anything with all those clever, brilliant words that she’d come up with.

This – whatever it was – it wasn’t Nathalie.

It wasn’t the woman he had fallen for.

“If you’re about to say something that’s going to ruin our marriage, then don’t say it at all.”

He found he was more infuriated for this than he was about the fact that she had moved on with some other man. Whoever that man was, he didn’t want to know more. The very thought of someone else touching her and kissing her was driving him insane. It was best he didn’t know who that was because he had no idea what he’d do to that person.

This is not how he imagined his first night to be with her after bringing her home.

“B- But, Erwin, I want to be honest with you-”

“Do you love me?” Erwin asked her and her eyes widened. She didn’t expect that question to come right now. She looked down at his dark shoes and she parted her lips to say yes. Of course, she loved him. She had always loved him, but her mind went blank. She parted her lips, but no words slipped out. Yes! Say it! Why couldn’t she say it?!

Was it not true anymore?

“No, look at me in the eye when you answer.”

Erwin caught her chin a little harsher than he was planning to, but he was angry, and she could tell. He had been trying to hold back his anger. He looked at her pretty lips that were parted, trying to form a response. Had someone else kissed those lips? He looked at her chest, her body, covered in all that excessive clothing. She always covered herself up like some nun with the longest sleeves and the longest skirts and even now, she had covered herself with that robe.

No matter how much she covered herself and tried to play it innocent and shy, she was vicious and manipulative. He was vicious and manipulative as well.

Maybe that’s why she was perfect for him.

He never thought the time would come when he’d tell her he loved her, and she’d be unable to say it back. Nathalie had always been his constant. Nathalie had always been his one and only. That girl that was so desperate for him. So desperate and in love, she’d get tortured for him, she’d fight titans for him, she’d toss away her lifelong goals and dreams for him. She’d die for him, but she’d never grovel. She’d never toss her honour, her dignity.

That was the Nathalie that he had fallen for. An absurdly devoted woman.

His woman. His sanity.

Ironically, she was about to drive him insane because it was taking her too long to answer. Had she really moved on? Was he a complete fool when he told himself that if he ever lost her, he’d never even think about touching another woman? In all four years he hadn’t touched another woman. He hadn’t even thought about it. Not even that gorgeous assistant that the military had assigned to help him out with the paperwork that got immense after things changed. And she was more beautiful and younger and she’d been swooning over him ever since she got assigned in this position.

But she didn’t even have a spec of Nathalie’s intelligence. She could be trying for a hundred lifetimes, but she’d never become Nathalie. No one was Nathalie to him.

But was he that easily replaceable to her?

“Of course, I love you,” she finally said, looking at him but, no, it wasn’t nearly as convincing as it once was.

Erwin felt bitterness spreading beneath his chest. There wasn’t much that he could do. Could he scare her? Grab her, scream at her, tell her how frustrated she had just made him? How was it that the only person he thought would never betray him, actually ended up hurting him more than most?

He was tired. He was so tired. He had a son with that woman. For the sake of their son, he couldn’t break this marriage.

He loved her. He’d never break this marriage.

Erwin caught his pen and dipped it in the ink and resumed working. “Go to sleep.” He merely said. An unreadable expression on his face as he focused on something that was clearly more important than his wife on her knees right now.

“E- Erwin, please, I-”

“I said” he cut her firmly “go to sleep.”

He wouldn’t take defiance to that request. No, it wasn’t even a request. It was an order. If she didn’t remember how much she once loved him, then he’d make sure to remind her.

She pulled herself up on her feet and she wiped her cheeks. She hadn’t told him the whole truth and it already felt like their marriage was ruined. She had to obey her husband. She had to do as he asked. Otherwise, she’d simply make things worse, and she didn’t want that.

Plus, his cold demeanour and the harshness in his voice scared her a little. She had seen him being angry, but it was only once or twice throughout all the years that she had known him. Erwin wasn’t a man who got angry often. No, Erwin knew how to hide his emotions and deal with them better than anyone.

But when he actually got angry, Erwin was terrifying.

“G- Goodnight.”

He watched her make her way back to the bedroom. He hadn’t even realised the hard metal of his pen had started bending beneath his fingers’ tight grip.

Was it Zeke? But that’s alright because papa Zeke is here, his son had told him the day he had first met him.

Had she… replaced him… with Zeke?

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

She was dragging him towards insecurity and obsession and total insanity. But that’s what she wanted, right? She wanted a man to be obsessed with her, did she not? Poor Zeke was unable to resist and she fed off on that. Poor little man was so desperate for her and her sweet affection and he sought after her like a puppy, and she was revelling in it.

But poor Zeke had no idea how twisted Nathalie could be. Erwin knew her. That woman revelled in a man’s attention and if that’s what she needed of him, then she’d get it. Erwin was going to give her what she wanted. She wanted him weak? Mad? Insane? Obsessed? Possessive? Overprotective? He’d give it all to her. He’d give it to her so much, she’d beg him to stop.

Chapter 100: Change of Plans

Notes:

i know nat may be frustrating to most of y'all buuuuttt nat is MEANT to frustrate you, cuz that's what im tryna do here. If I know I've frustrated you with this totally free work that no one's paying me to write then my reward is knowing that you're so invested in this story and cuz of it, I KNOW i've done a good job writing this fic.

So yes, frustrating ppl is what I aim to do. If you can't handle it, no one's forcing you to read this fic. You can stop reading it whenever you like. This is a free, self-indulgent work that I spend all my free time into without any reward whatsoever except maybe the beautiful comments that I want y'all to give me so much.

But so long as most of you don't comment and don't interact, then I will just keep making this story more and more frustrating until u either stop reading it or scream at me in the comments.

Enjoy.

They chased her. She ran. She ran for her life, but they caught her anyway. They caught her and they tied her down. They tied her down and sedated her and she couldn’t move. She couldn’t move, but she could feel everything they did to her. She could feel them cutting through her skin, digging in her stomach, pulling out her organs and replacing them with their own. She could feel everything.

Maybe they were extracting some kind of sick satisfaction watching her squirm and scream in pain and cry. Maybe they got off on her pain. She had to go along though. She had to let them because she had no choice. Maybe if she’d be obedient this time, it would take longer till the next time they’d experiment on her.

They inserted something in her blood, some kind of red liquid, the serum that Malcolm always talked so proudly about. He said it was going to make her better. So much better. It was going to improve her. It was going to make her better than a normal human. Stronger, faster. Better.

Just better.

She was his test subject. He was working with Marley and Marley was allowing him to do this. Marley was allowing this atrocity happen – human experimentation, and she, the victim.

Who will save me?

No one. No one was going to save her. Zeke had disappeared. Erwin was dead. She was alone.

“Please, let me go, please, I’ve done nothing wrong, please, please…”

She begged. She threw away all sense of dignity and she begged. But her pleading fell onto deaf ears. Scientists that had abandoned all sense of morality just because the government was letting them do this.

Malcolm took out a lancet and began cutting through the skin of her arm. “Let’s improve this arm too, shall we? Then the other, then the legs. I’ll give Marley what they asked for. A perfect human being.”

“No! Please, don’t, please, no, stop! Stop!”

“Stop! No… leave me alone, please…”

Erwin’s eyes snapped open. She was tossing and turning. Her body, tense. Sweat ran down her brow. Her gown stuck on her body and her hair was a mess. She was crying and sobbing in her sleep. He had lied down to rest about an hour ago. He had slept for a while, but now he was wide awake. He’d never seen her like this. Eddie was thankfully still sleeping on the bed between both his parents.

Erwin had to wake her before she’d wake their son. It looked like she was struggling. She was having a nightmare. A terrible one. Erwin stood up off the bed and he rushed to her side. He sat by the edge of the bed beside her and he cupped her cheek until her body jerked again and another series of muffled noes and pleads burst from her lips.

It was foolish of him to think that it was going to be easy. He couldn’t believe he had forgotten that she had trauma to deal with and he was supposed to be there for her to help her deal with it. Of course, he’d be there. He loved her even when she didn’t love him. It broke his heart watching her like this. An utter mess. What they’d done to her – Hange had left a report on her findings in the folders and the data that they had retrieved from the asylum when they brought her back.

He hadn’t dared touch that report, but he probably should.

“Nathalie.”

He called out for her, whispering not to wake their son, but it was doing nothing to wake her, and her sounds were getting louder by the moment. At this rate, Eddie would wake up too any moment. Erwin picked her up. He pushed the bedsheets aside and he picked her up off the bed and took her out of the bedroom.

He sat down on the couch and pulled her on his lap. Her legs hanged from one side and he supported her upper body with his one arm. He switched on a lamp that stood on a small table on the side of the couch, bringing enough light to look at her. She wept and clutched on him, burying her face in his white shirt. He tried to grip her to shake her, to wake her up, but he stopped when she talked.

“He’s gone… he’s gone, he’s dead… my husband’s gone… my Erwin… my love… my best friend…”

Tears ran down his cheeks, and he hadn’t even given them permission to do so. It felt so foreign, the very act of crying. I mourned you. I mourned you so much it worsened my condition, she told him a few hours ago. She was still mourning him in her sleep. Maybe it hadn’t yet settled in. Maybe she still thought she’d wake up and she’d find herself in that asylum, tied down and experimented on.

Miche told him that she had a breakdown today in front of everyone. Now, he was feeling lucky that he wasn’t there to see it, because now, it broke his heart and the very sight of her like this was making it so very excruciating.

He had been planning to be mad at her. He had been planning to not touch her or hold her for days, but it was impossible, wasn’t it? He thought he was the one dealing with too many things, but he had forgotten how many things she was dealing with herself.

Erwin pulled her closer, pushing her face in his neck with a hand tangled within her hair. “I’m not going anywhere.” He spoke softly against her ear. “You are my… grandest happiness… my deepest sorrow…”

It didn’t take long when the jerking and the twisting, and turning and mumbling and speaking, and fast breathing stopped. It all stopped. Her breathing dropped into a steady rhythm and her body relaxed against his arms. He didn’t have to wake her up after all. But her fingers were so very tightly wrapped around his shirt, if he tried to pull her off of him right now, she’d tear it to shreds. She was clinging on him for dear life and there was no way she’d let go.

He didn’t want her to.

“…my uprising… and my downfall.” He finished.

No other man could have that effect on her, right? She recognised his presence even in her sleep. He was her one and only, right? He was her everything, was he not? He’d put so much effort into trying to be cold with her, but he was weak when it came to her. He was weak and he loved her so much. He buried his face in her shoulder and he drew in her scent. She was all his.

No matter what she had done the past four years and who she had done it with – now she was his. His arms tightened around her, clutching on her gown, clutching on her flesh but she didn’t flinch. She didn’t wince, she didn’t wake up. His sweet girl had learned to take pain from him.

She was his whether she liked it or not.

༻◊۞◊༺

Next morning, she began to stir but she realised she wasn’t lying on the bed. She remembered sleeping on a bed last night. Was she going to wake up in the asylum? Was yesterday just a dream? Nathalie’s eyes snapped at the terror of it. Where was she?!

She placed her hands beneath her to pick herself up. Wide eyes met his own, but his hold tightened around her immediately, keeping her in place. Nathalie looked down and she saw Erwin. She had… slept on top of him?! She looked around her. They were in his office. They had slept… on the couch? She wasn’t wearing her glasses and her vision was still blurry from her sleep.

“W- Where am I- Why-”

“Ssshh.” Erwin cupped the back of her head, and he urged her to put her head back down on his chest. “It’s alright, I’m here.” His voice, rumbled from beneath his chest, and she could hear his heart beating beneath her ear. Nathalie calmed down instantly. He was there. He was alive. She hadn’t dreamt everything, so it seemed.

“So… it wasn’t a dream.”

“No, it wasn’t.”

Nathalie buried her face in his neck, and she drew in his scent. His shirt was wrinkled beneath her hands. The muscles of her fingers felt cramped. She had been holding his shirt tightly all night. She finally released the poor fabric from her tight hold and she closed her eyes. She didn’t see any monsters behind her eyelids. There were no voices inside her mind. No shrieks. No demons chasing her. There was peace.

He knew what she was talking about. She really thought that finding him and Miche alive and being brought back home, cured, and happy – she thought it was all a dream she’d just wake up from.

 Nathalie ran her hand through his chest. She found his neck with her delicate fingers. She found his cheekbone. She merely touched him, trying to convince herself that he was there. He was alive and warm beneath her fingertips. His skin was warm and her fingers were freezing cold despite the fact that he had let her sleep on top of him and he had thrown a blanket on top of their bodies.

Erwin shivered, feeling her cold fingers on his neck, sliding up on his cheekbone, his chin, his jaw. He had an arm wrapped around her, keeping her secure on top of him. The other, reached for her hand that was on his face. He took her small, cold palm in his own large one. She was pale and cold and weak. He brought her hand up to look at her tiny wrist. So frail and delicate. There were new scars there from her leather bindings while being experimented on in the lab.

A reminder that they had her tied down.

He brought her wrist to his lips, pressing kisses on the newly added scar. He found another new scar beneath her wrist. He kissed that too. He found another, and another, and another. He kissed her. He left no part of her hand untouched. He was hungering for her. He always did.

Nathalie pulled her head up to look at him. She cupped his cheek and she watched him as he closed his eyes and leaned against the tender palm of her hand. He caught her hand in his own and he supported it on his cheek, on his face. He sighed blissfully. Her hand was so tender on his cheek. It was cold, but it was tender.

“I’m sorry, I-”

“Ssshh.”

He didn’t want her to start apologising again. What was done was done. She had moved on with another man? She had kissed another man? She had let another man touch her, kiss her, love her? Was that man the man who had tried to kill him?

So what? No one would ever touch her again. He’d make sure of it. At the end of the day, her heart belonged to him. At the end of the day, she’d crawl back to him. She was his, and he was going to kill Zeke.

He was going to tear Marley to shreds, and he was going to kill Zeke and maybe he was going to make her watch. She had to know what happened to men that dared touch Erwin Smith’s wife.

What was he thinking? Was he really going to go down on that path? He was. Maybe he was. She was dragging him towards insecurity and obsession and total insanity. But that’s what she wanted, right? She wanted a man to be obsessed with her, did she not? Poor Zeke was unable to resist and she fed off on that. Poor little man was so desperate for her and her sweet affection and he sought after her like a puppy, and she was revelling in it.

But poor Zeke had no idea how twisted Nathalie could be. Erwin knew her. He knew her better than anyone. That woman revelled in a man’s attention and if that’s what she needed of him, then she’d get it. Erwin was going to give her what she wanted. She wanted him weak? Mad? Insane? Obsessed? Possessive? Overprotective? He’d give it all to her. He’d give it to her so much, she’d beg him to stop.

“What are your plans for today?” He asked her out of nowhere and she tensed up. It was adorable how she stumbled on her words.

“I- I- I don’t know, I guess, I’ll just make something for Eddie to eat and I’ll go say hi to Levi-”

“Don’t.” Erwin cut her. He trusted Levi not to touch his wife because Levi was a married man and if anything, he could restrain himself. The only one he didn’t trust was Nathalie.

“B- But, I didn’t get to see him yesterday.”

“Fine, but” Erwin brushed a messy lock of hair behind her ear “don’t touch him, don’t let him touch you. Don’t giggle at his comments and compliments, don’t look at his eyes for too long. Understood?”

What the hell had gotten over him? “But Erwin, I-”

“Understood?” He punctuated the word sternly this time, forcing her to submit. Nathalie bit her lip and she nodded frantically.

“Yes, Erwin-”

His fingers tightened in her hair, pulling on the roots, knocking a cute whimper out of her and cutting her midsentence. “Yes what?”

“Yes… s- sir.”

He smirked and released her hair. He stroked her cheek. “Good girl.”

Her heart fluttered at the sound of it. His touch on her cheek was featherlike. Even though, he knew she wouldn’t listen to him and she’d hug Levi anyway the second she’d see him – he still thought he should reward her right now. He caught her neck and brought her down for a kiss. He kissed her, soft at first, but quickly turned it into a hard and ravenous kiss that knocked her breath away.

She couldn’t remember the last time he had kissed her like this.

Actually, she did remember. It was the kiss he gave her when he married her. She remembered the night he asked her to marry him. He had asked her to marry him without a care in the world. So selfish and desperate, he had held her tightly all night, looking at her. And in the morning, they rode on his horse the both of them, and snuck away from the young Queen’s coronation, and they got married. She married him even though he was still missing his arm.

But still now, that he had both arms – thanks to her, thanks to the brilliant woman that he loved – now he could use both of those arms to wrap around her and keep her there. Now he could massacre a platoon of enemies for her. He could protect her and their son. He could scoop her up on her feet without any effort. He could waltz with her.

He lacked absolutely nothing. He had it all. The riches, the status, the looks, the strength, the determination. He had it all. All that was left was her love. He had everything now, but he didn’t have her love.

He’d steal it back if he had to. He’d kill the man who had her love. He’d kill him and she’d be his. She’d be all his.

Isn’t that what she wanted? She wanted a man insane for her, didn’t she?

She’d get just that.

How could she be so perfect, yet so imperfect at the same time?

He released her lips to let her breathe and there it was, that hazy look in her eyes, intoxicated and dazed. He ran his rough thumb across her bottom bruised lip, pink and tender and wet.

“Mine.” Erwin spoke against her lips. His one hand snuck beneath her gown and traced her hip, the small of her back, hiking up her gown. He wanted to touch her everywhere. He wanted to have her right now. Take back what was his. “I don’t care what you do did and whom you did it with. You’re mine now.”

Nathalie nodded. “I missed you.”

She buried her face in his neck and she clutched on him tightly. Maybe he would forgive her after all. Maybe she could be happy with her husband and her child now. She was grateful. He was too good for her. She expected him to be mad. She expected him to not talk to her and avoid her and be cold to her for days. And initially, that’s what he was planning to do.

But now he had just realised that there was another course of action that he should take.

Erwin knew he should get up and start preparing for today. He had a million things he was supposed to do. But he didn’t care. He wanted to hold her for now. He’d make her desperate for him. Just as desperate as he was for her.

He promised himself that.

Despite everything, she was still wearing her wedding ring. Maybe not on her finger – it was still on a string around her neck, but she hadn’t taken it off no matter what. Before every single experiment, she made sure she gave it to Eddie and he kept it safe, then gave it back to her. She had made sure to keep it safe. It was precious. Her marriage to Erwin was precious.

Erwin took it off her neck and he pulled the ring free of the string. He took her left hand and passed it on her fourth finger. “You kept it.” He traced the ring on her finger, and she smiled.

“Of course, I did.” She placed a kiss on his neck, and he shivered. “Eddie kept it safe for me whenever they… they took me and they… they…” her breathing grew erratic again and she shut her eyes and her fingers clutched on his shirt again just as tightly as she had done the entire night.

His eyes widened. Another breakdown. He sat up and wrapped both arms around her, settling her on his lap, making her legs part around his waist, knees planting on the couch to his sides. She buried her face in his neck and clutched on his shirt and shut her eyes and her body shook in his arms. She let out a soft, pained whimper that broke his heart all over.

Maybe he couldn’t play games with her right now. He couldn’t pull out the obsessive, possessive part of himself that was going to earn her back and put her in her place. Her psychological and physical health was his priority. But maybe, she couldn’t handle too many things at the same time.

Her body jerked in his tight hold, and he tightened his arms around her to keep her in place. “They… they tied me down and they…” it was getting hard to breathe. She was breathing like an asthmatic child under a stressful situation “…they cut through my skin and they-”

“Ssshh.” He hushed her and ran his fingers through her hair. He caught her cheek gently and urged her head to rest against his chest. She felt his heart beating beneath her ear and slowly her breathing began to settle down and her heartbeat started to match his own. Her body began to relax. “I’m here.” He spoke against her ear. “I’m here and I won’t let anything like that ever happen to you again.”

“What if they… what if they send people for me? What if they come for me?! What if they come back to get me?!” She couldn’t believe she hadn’t thought about this before. Nathalie gripped on his shirt and she pulled back to look at him. “What if they take me back there?!” She shook her head frantically and tears ran down her cheeks “I can’t handle the same thing again… I can’t bear it… I’m scared, I’m terrified-”

“No one will come for you,” he cut her firmly.

He’d never seen her like this. This wasn’t Nathalie. That strong woman who could take down a dozen of titans single-handedly. The woman who could kill men without too much effort. That woman was once strong. She was strong and daring and selfless and she could speak up against her superiors without a care in the world. But that woman was gone.

What had they done to her? Had they killed off her dignity and replaced it with terror and insecurity? He should read Hange’s reports tonight. He had this box in his office. The cassettes from her sessions with her ‘psychiatrist’. He was certain Hange had an audio recorder – a gift from the Hizuru – somewhere in her office. He needed to know what they had done to his wife.

He needed to know everything if he was the measure the destruction that he’d bring upon Marley. Marley had allowed their sick scientists to experiment on Erwin Smith’s wife.

He was going to obliterate Marley to the ground.

He pressed his forehead against her own and his eyes met her own. He had to preserve this anger for the right time. Now he had to be gentle and reassuring for his sweet wife. His sweet little Nathalie. How dare they hurt his sweet little Nathalie? He’d be damned if he let them go unpunished.

“I won’t let anyone take my wife away from me ever again. Whoever tries, will pay.” His voice, thick, and determined and stern. There was no room for any objection. With his voice alone, his touch, his kisses, she was made to submit. She always submitted to this man. It was like her body was made for the sole purpose of submitting to him. He leaned in and kissed her tears off her salty cheeks. “You gave me back my arm, my brilliant little girl…” he nibbled on her lower lip “…I’ll use it to kill anyone who comes for you.”

She sighed blissfully feeling him press kisses on her cheek, slipping down to her cheekbone, then her neck. He found her delicious neck that he hadn’t kissed in so long. He hadn’t bitten, and marked, and nipped on her skin for so damn long, she had forgotten who she belonged to.

But that was alright, because he was determined to make up for lost time.

Her eyes fluttered closed and she surrendered herself to him, throwing her head back and grasping his shoulders. She felt him plant a bite on her neck, pinching her skin between his teeth roughly enough to hurt, but it only knocked a moan out of her. He left a satisfyingly red mark nearby her collarbone, and he set off to repeat the action. He left another mark, and another, marking what was his in placed were everyone could see it. But she didn’t seem to care. No, she didn’t care at all.

She’d once more be his doll just because it felt so damn blissful to be owned by this man. “Mine.”

Notes:

Sneak Peek in the Next Chap:

“I can’t… eat… I can’t think, I can’t sleep, I can’t breathe, I can’t… do anything. When I think about the… things they did to me, I… I get nauseous and…” Nathalie didn’t know what else to add to it. She merely shook her head to finish the sentence. She was the weakest Erwin had ever seen her. “I’m sorry.” She added, closing her eyes, resting for a second. “I’m always… ill. You’ve probably gotten sick of it.”

Chapter 101: Trauma

Notes:

thank you all so much for the amazing comments!!!!

nat is slowly coming to realise what she's been doing wrong lmao i know they have many and more serious problems for the main cast to deal with and nat is def not one of them buuuuuuttttt i don't care lmao, this is a fic, aaaaaand i WILL follow snk's plot, but my plot comes first lmao

“Mommy?”

Nathalie and Erwin both snapped out of it and Nathalie let out a yelp as she urged herself to land off of Erwin’s lap and just innocently sit beside him on the couch. The last thing she wanted was Eddie catching their parents doing… adult stuff. Nathalie smiled right away and her hands reached out for him.

“Come over here, darling!”

Eddie giggled and ran hastily to her. Nathalie picked him up and she laughed with him. She brought him in her hug and kissed his fluffy cheeks.

“Did you sleep well, baby?”

“I did!” Eddie pulled back to look at her and his dad. “Are you and Mr Erwin okay now?”

Erwin arched an eyebrow and his arms reached for him. Nathalie handed him their son who was light enough to just prop him on his one arm while the other snaked around his wife’s waist, pulling her to his side.

“You know you can call me ‘dad’, right?” Erwin asked. There was no way he didn’t know that. That boy was part Burgess, part Smith. He probably the smartest person to ever be born. Erwin took some pride in that. Okay, maybe lots of pride in that.

Eddie frowned thoughtfully for a moment. “Hmm… I don’t think you’re ready to hear it yet.”

Nathalie cringed slightly and Erwin frowned deeply. He was more than ready. What did that brat mean?! Just before he had the chance to say anything, a knock came on the door.

“Commander, you have a meeting in ten minutes, sir!”

Erwin sighed. The family reunion would have to wait. “I’m on my way.”

“Shall I pick a tie for you today, sir?”

Oh shit. Erwin pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. “No, Eleanor, that won’t be necessary.”

“Yes, sir!”

Her heels resounded as she walked down the hall and left. Oh, so his assistant’s name was Eleanor. That was a… beautiful name. Nathalie’s eyes widened at the realisation, and she smacked Erwin’s shoulder without even thinking.

“She picks your ties?!”

Erwin sighed. That’s exactly why he didn’t want his assistant to make that question. But seeing Nathalie jealous was kind of amusing so he switched his frown to a smirk. There it was, that fire in her eyes again. If he let her, she’d probably beat the shit out of that poor girl that was assigned to be his assistant.

He was thinking he’d probably let her one day.

But for now, it was a great payback. She had to feel the way he felt when she told him she had moved on. She had moved on with Zeke – his own murderer and of course he felt bitter about that, but he had his plans. He’d get what he wanted in the end, and she’d pay for it, but this was also an amusing addition to this entirely complex situation.

Erwin smirked and stood up and made his way to his bedroom to change. “She’s my assistant. She does a lot of things for me.”

Nathalie gasped. “A lot of things?!” Like what?! Nathalie didn’t really want to think about it, but she couldn’t help it. It was driving her insane, wasn’t it? The fact that she wasn’t the centre of Erwin’s attention. Erwin would probably spend more time with his assistant than he’d do with her and it was pissing her off.

But Nathalie knew she didn’t really have any room to complain and act jealous. She had kissed Zeke. She had let Zeke have her and despite it all, Erwin seemed to have forgiven her and he seemed to want to move on. She couldn’t complain and make any more demands. She wasn’t innocent in this either.

Nathalie sighed and watched Erwin disappear inside their bedroom.

“You okay, mommy?”

“Oh! Yes, darling, of course.” Nathalie smiled at Eddie and planted a kiss on his forehead.

“I’m hungry.”

“Alright then, let’s get dressed and get something to eat.” Nathalie grinned. “I made cake yesterday. If Sasha hasn’t devoured it yet, we’ll have a slice.”

“Yay!”

༻◊۞◊༺

Being once again in the Mess Hall of the Survey Corps was… nostalgic. The veterans were all there on those same tables that they always occupied at the very front, and the younger squads occupied most of the space. She didn’t recognise most of them, but she recognised what was left of the 104^th, all now being Commanding Officers and Squad Leaders. She was so proud of them and how much they had grown.

Miche’s squad were the first to greet her and she felt awkward and ashamed.

The last time she had seen them, she had heard them so much. They must have suffered because of her. Hange said they hadn’t showed up for two months just because they didn’t want to ever see her again. Nathalie expected them to be mad at her and avoid her, but they were welcoming and kind.

Nathalie tried to apologise again, but they told her not to. She was loved and it felt nice. Especially Eddie, who everyone got a turn to hold and talk to. Hange was trying to be the cool Aunt, and Miche was trying to be the cool Uncle. It was nice and fun. Levi wasn’t there yet though and maybe she’d have to visit him in his office. Hange told her he and Petra were too now married and had their own home. Petra had retired to raise their a few months old son. Nathalie felt so happy for them.

She watched Eddie being held by Miche and Nanaba sitting beside him as they talked to him and made him laugh and she giggled happily.

She was home.

Nathalie looked at the dish of food that she had prepared herself. It was a mere slice of bread with jam and butter. It was remarkable how the tastiest food could now be available even in the Survey Corps. The salaries had gone up, the kitchen staff didn’t only cook porridge, but various tasty foods and even meat at least once a week. It was remarkable to think of all the things that had changed in such a short time.

Nathalie knew that the man who had changed everything for the better, was Erwin. Erwin – who was working tirelessly all day, every day, and she was certain she wouldn’t see him today at all until late in the night like it happened yesterday. But she didn’t mind. He had work to do. Her sweet husband was carrying the world on his shoulders.

Still, it did seem like had had forgiven her, but she knew he felt bitter about it. He did not address the subject. She had had a relationship with his own murderer – she did not expect him to have actually forgiven her. It just looked like he didn’t want to talk about it, and it was alright.

“I don’t care what you do did and whom you did it with. You’re mine now.”

What did that really mean? There was no way he didn’t care. Erwin wasn’t a man to give up so fast, especially on things that threatened his ego. He was planning something, she was certain of it.

Nathalie picked that slice of bread and she brought it to her mouth. She parted her lips to take a bite, but she did. The bread with jam smelled sweet. The bread was freshly baked, and the butter was creamy and rich in its sweety buttery scent. The jam was peach and a beautiful bright orange. It smelled so nice, and she wanted to taste it, but her stomach churned and suddenly, the pleasant smell turned into something bitter in her nostrils and she realised… she couldn’t eat.

She hadn’t eaten anything for two days now – maybe more. She was hungry, but nauseous at the same time. The sound of people talking was growing louder and just looking at them eat was making her even more distasteful of food altogether.

Nathalie released the slice. It landed on the dish, and she brought her hand to her mouth. Her stomach was empty. There was no way she could vomit something out, but it still churned, and she shut her eyes, clamping her hand around her lips. It was a terrible idea to shut her eyes. It felt like she was tied down again, and she felt lancets on her skin. She felt her blood rush out, hot, and wet and dripping on the floor while they connected tubes in her veins, and she could do nothing but scream.

“What do you think your mother would think if she saw you now? She’d act so terrified and worried, and she’d probably be screaming at me to stop hurting her sweet baby girl.” Malcolm mocked. “But do you have any idea how much of a twisted woman your mother was? She’d act so worried even though… that’d be just an act. I can tell you’re exactly like her. You act so worried on the very thought of us touching your son, but deep down, you and I both know that this is just an act. A useless effort to appear oh so righteous. Nathalie the victim. Amelia the victim. A victim that ruins everyone around her. It’s all the same.”

No! It was never an act! Why was he telling her those things?! How could he tell her that she’d just sit by and watch them experiment on her son? How could he tell her that she’d just act worried just because everything about her was just an act? Those sweet words. Those warm, motherly nicknames that she used on everyone. Those gentle touches, those utterly beautiful smiles, those bright eyes. How she made everybody love her and grow fond of her no matter whether they were strangers or not.

Was it really all an act? If she wasn’t doing any of this because that’s what she was, then what was she?

What am I?

Who am I?

How did he…

How did he know her so well?

Was she really that twisted? Was she really like her own mother?

Mommy and Daddy are already very proud, her mother had written in that letter, and she sounded so warm and sweet, and in her father’s memories, she was indeed always warm and sweet and so very lovable.

Was this all just an act?

Was she going to end up being the same?

“Nat!”

A voice snapped her out of it, and she turned and looked at Hange. She was staring at her worriedly, an arm on her shoulder. Her cheeks felt wet. Had she been crying? She hadn’t even noticed she had been crying and mumbling to herself. The desk fell quiet, everybody was looking at her. She felt embarrassed and ashamed. She was grateful for Miche and Nanaba – both had noticed her state – but they had managed to keep Eddie distracted splendidly.

She was having another breakdown, but it was in front of everyone. She wanted to get out of here as fast as she possibly could. She could handle the harshest pain, but she could never handle embarrassment. If she was to breakdown, she might as well do it alone in Erwin’s quarters, away from everybody’s eyes. But Eddie was there, and she had to look after him. She had to swallow her tears and sobs.

Just like she had always done.

“Hange, I-”

“It’s alright,” Hange cut her. “Why don’t you take some time alone? I’ll look after Eddie for today.”

Nathalie’s eyes filled with tears again, grateful this time, for Hange being there to help her. She nodded frantically. “T- Thank you, I-”

“It’s alright, go.”

Nathalie stood up and abandoned the food. She rushed out of the Mess Hall and she bumped onto people on her way back upstairs to the Commander’s office and quarters. She walked in and closed the door behind her. She sighed heavily. Erwin wasn’t there. He was probably in the capital by now. But it was alright. He didn’t have to see her like this. Both Eddie and Erwin shouldn’t see her like this.

Broken.

“I will make you perfect, child. No one will ever be able to beat you. You should be thanking me, child.”

Needles. Needles everywhere. Piercing her skin around her nails releasing some kind of dark, twisted liquid. Pain shot through her arms. She screamed.

“I will make you the perfect human. A marvel of evolution. But nothing can be earned without a little bit of pain, right? Even after everything your mother did to me, I’m being generous.”

He caught her chin, forcing her lips to part.

“Open wide, child.”

He put something inside her mouth. She couldn’t remember. She didn’t want to.

But maybe she did. That’s why her stomach churned and twisted. Nathalie clutched her belly. She could feel the bones beneath her skin even above her clothes. Those clothes had gotten too big for her. Her own clothes no longer fit her. The sleeves even buttoned up, they were too big around her wrists.

She knew she was thin. She knew she was unhealthily light. She knew she was probably a little less than (42 kgs/92 lbs). She knew she should eat. But she couldn’t eat. Nathalie clamped a hand around her lips, and she rushed to the bathroom. She rushed and dropped on her knees in front of the toilet, and she vomited a yellowish liquid. It wasn’t pregnancy. It wasn’t a disease. It was just her stomach getting rid of digestive fluids that it wasn’t using. It had happened to her before. So many times when she struggled with anorexia.

Nathalie clutched on the white marble before fell back on the floor. Her back against the cold, concrete wall. Her hands shook as she gathered her legs to her chest, trapping her shaking hands between her chest and her knees. She tried to catch her breath, but she wept instead.

Why was this happening to her? What the hell had she done to deserve this? She had never hurt anyone. She would have never killed anyone if her life and the lives of the people around her weren’t in danger. She would have never joined the military and she would have never gone through any of this if she didn’t love Erwin enough.

She never regretted her love for Erwin. She’d never blame him for her current state. All she had was blame herself. So self-destructive. She got hurt so many times but she always knew how to toughen back up, but now? Now she wanted to stay there on the floor all day and do nothing.

Her head rolled on the wall behind her and she closed her eyes. She wanted to stop crying, but she couldn’t. She was just made to be pathetic. She was just made to need a man to help her. She was just so fucking weak. It was her curse to rely on people and then losing those people and that would repeat over and over. She knew she’d lose Erwin one day too.

And now, all she could think about was everything they had done to her. She couldn’t eat, she couldn’t sleep, she couldn’t cry out for help. Her throat fell hoarse and she couldn’t pick herself up on her feet to at least make it to bed. She wanted to sleep. She wanted to rest, but she couldn’t even close her eyes.

Why? Why was she suffering like this? What did she ever do so wrong?

How was she supposed to raise a child like this? How was she supposed to keep herself strong and fearless? How was she supposed to find her old self in this mess and bring her back? The strong Nathalie. The one who always smiled and was capable of seeing the best in the worst situations? The one who could handle everything. The one who could take down ten titans in a row.

The one who had the energy to force herself to eat.

She calmed down after a while. She limply forced herself to walk to bed. She lied down and slipped within the sheets and blankets. She was cold and weak but the blankets were warm around her.

Only then did she allow herself to pass out.

She knew a nightmare would wake her though. But she was tired. She was too damn tired. Even though she had managed to sleep last night, right now, she had never felt more tired.

༻◊۞◊༺

It was around 11 pm when Erwin returned in his office. Another exhaustive day had gone by and he still had work to do. He expected for Nathalie and Eddie to be there by now, but the office and his bedroom seemed empty. Erwin switched on the lights, and he took off his coat. He loosened his emerald bolo tie from around his neck and he headed for his bedroom to rest it in the drawers and maybe change into more comfortable clothes.

He didn’t really expect to find Nathalie sleeping. Eddie wasn’t there. Hange told him she’d keep watch over him today because Nathalie had another breakdown, but no one had seen her since.

Had she been sleeping all day?

Erwin approached the bed, finding her sleeping figure beneath the sheets. She had buried her face in the blanket, sleeping in the exact same position she had fallen asleep just a few hours ago. Erwin sat beside her at the edge of the bed. His hand reached for her own that rested on top of the pillow beside her head.

He took her hand in his lap and he checked her pulse. There was one. It was steady. He always had the constant fear that she’d die on him one day, on his bed, and he’d be too busy with saving the world to notice it. It was ironic how she always blamed him for leaving and dying, when the only one who ever left and threatened to die was her. He had no idea how he’d raise Eddie without her.

He had no idea what he’d do without her. The past four years without her were absolute hell.

Her lips looked pale. Actually, her skin looked pale as well.

He started panicking. He had to wake her to make sure she was alive.

He cupped her cheek. “Nathalie?”

She hummed and leaned on his hand. Erwin let out a sigh of relief. Her pretty eyes fluttered open. Half-lidded and sleepy and weak. His hand was warm on her cheek. She sighed, realising she had been sleeping all day.

“Hange said you had another panic attack. Are you okay?”

No. She wasn’t. But she didn’t have enough energy to explain it. Nathalie nodded merely. “I’m… okay… I just… I can’t eat.”

He ran his thumb across her cheek and he noticed the sticky remaining tears on her cheeks. “Have you been crying?”

She bit her lip and instead of speaking, she just nodded, closing her eyes again. He was staring at her. He was expecting an explanation, she could tell. “I can’t… eat… I can’t think, I can’t sleep, I can’t breathe, I can’t… do anything. When I think about the… things they did to me, I… I get nauseous and…” Nathalie didn’t know what else to add to it. She merely shook her head to finish the sentence. She was the weakest he’d ever seen her. “I’m sorry.” She added, closing her eyes, resting for a second. “I’m always… ill. You’ve probably gotten sick of it.” She chuckled bitterly.

That was true. First with the Burgess Disease, then the mental anguish and now the trauma. But Erwin didn’t care. He gripped her hand between both his own.

“I’ll stand by you in sickness and in health.” He repeated a line from his vows and she opened her eyes and looked at him gratefully, she tried to squeeze his hand with her own. He brought her hand to his lips, pressing a kiss at the back of her palm. “We’ll get through this one too, together.”

Nathalie nodded and sniffled, tears of gratefulness soaked her pillow beneath her. “I love you.”

Now, it sounded genuine. Erwin couldn’t play games while she was like this. He’d take back what was his when she was better. For now, he smiled at her. He pressed a kiss on her forehead, leaning down to her close.

“I love you too.”

It felt so amazing to hear it coming from him. It made her smile in the miserable state that she was in.

“I’ll get you something to eat.”

“B- But, Erwin, I can’t-”

“You can and you will.”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

 

He wanted to love her, and she just wanted a fuck.

 

Was that what it had come to?

Chapter 102: Reconciliation 🟥

Notes:

6k words of fluff and angst and smut, enjoy

Her back pressed against his chest while he rested back against the wooden headboard of their bed. He had settled her between his legs, his arms around her, one holding a bowl of warm soup, the other brought a spoonful of the delicious liquid to her lips. Today’s menu was vegetable soup for dinner and there was some of it still left. Nathalie’s lips were parted but not enough for him to empty the liquid on her tongue.

“Nat.” Erwin’s voice brushed against her ear. It was a command that she couldn’t object to. His voice was gentle, but still commanding, nonetheless.

Nathalie hesitantly parted her lips to accept the warm liquid in her mouth. She tried to convince herself that it wasn’t bitter. She tried to stop thinking about the lab. She forcefully swallowed and watched him with dread as he prepared another spoon of soup for her.

Erwin had just spent an entire day working tirelessly, and now, late in the night when he had the chance to rest – he wasn’t resting. He was there instead, feeding her, taking care of her but she felt terrible. She was wasting his time. He should be resting. He was a burdened man who carried the entire world. She shouldn’t be adding to that weight. Her trauma was hers to deal with. He had too much to deal with already.

She had tried so hard to never be a burden to him, but she had become just that.

“I’m so sorry, Erwin, you don’t have to do this-”

“ Don’t.” He cut her firmly. It wasn’t her fault for suffering through this. He was the one who had let her. He was the one who postponed her rescue for so long. If he had gotten to her sooner, he would have been able to avoid this. He would have been able to save her from those experiments, those terrible things that they had done to her.

He had no paperwork for tonight, but tonight, he’d read Hange’s report on Nathalie’s case. He’d go through the folders and the cassettes that they had retrieved from the asylum. He’d see what they had done to his wife – his sweet little Nathalie.

How dare they hurt his sweet little girl? How dare they do something so horrible to Erwin Smith’s wife? He would make them pay. He knew a mere, selfish revenge wasn’t going to undo what was done and it wasn’t going to erase all those memories that plagued her mind, all those scars that littered her hands. Those scars that littered her entire body were permanent and he had yet to explore every inch of her.

How could he? Sometimes she flinched away from his touch, whimpering, curling up like a scared little prey. She was still trying to distinguish trauma from reality.

Nathalie took the second spoon too, obediently and he planted a kiss on her temple in reprieve. “Every time you take a spoon, I’ll reward you with a kiss.”

She giggled and she looked up at him. Her head rolled back on his shoulder, and he looked down at her. She had that smile on her lips. That precious, delirious smile. He let the spoon down in the bowl and his free hand reached for her chin, urging her to part her lips so that his tongue could make a dive.

He kissed her. He gave her one of those kisses that he had given her a hundred times before. It was because of those kisses that she knew he loved her even when he was refusing to say it. And even then, she had pushed herself in another man’s embrace. She had almost convinced herself she loved that other man, all the while, her sweet husband was alive and looking for her.

What a joke. A terrible, witless joke. She was just that. How dare she do that to Erwin? How dare she convince herself that Erwin never loved her even when he he’d show it all the time. You don’t ever have to say it. She had told him those very words over and over.

You don’t ever have to say it.

I know you love me.

And she still kissed another man.

Her smile faded. Despite that, Erwin still loved her. Erwin still sat down – after a long, tiresome day – to feed her, and hold her, and kiss her, and pretend it hadn’t happened, and put up with her annoying, childish behaviour to a trauma that she should be dealing with on her own. He didn’t have time for this. He didn’t have the patience for this.

But she was wrong to think like that, wasn’t she? Erwin was the most patient man in the world, and while she was missing, he had lost that patience. He’d snap at people and become more aggressive and when they had bad news to deliver him, everybody would turn to Miche to deliver him the news himself. But now that she was there, he was calmer and patient and he knew that after all those hours of relentless working, he’d come back to her and he’d bury his face in her hair and he’d hold her tight, and that’s all he wanted.

She was his sanity. She was his precious little girl. He’d do anything for her. There had been so many times when she’d take care of him. When he had his arm bitten off, she’d feed him. She’d help him bathe and clothe himself. She’d shave him, she’d do his laundry, she’d clean up his quarters, his office. She’d do everything. She had brought him food in his office so many times. He always forgot to come downstairs in the Mess Hall whenever dinnertime would come. But she never forgot to save a bowl for him and bring it to him upstairs right after she was done with her dinner.

Or all those times that she’d bring him tea and cakes and cookies that she would have made herself. They were always so delicious. And when he was working till the earliest hours of the next mornings, she stayed awake too and brought him everything that she could scavenge from the kitchen. She kept him healthy. She took care of him.

It was his turn to do the same. Now she needed him. If he hoped to win her heart back – if he was to allow himself to claim he loved her – he had to show it. Saying something without doing it was a waste. He was a man who showed what he was and what he felt through actions. He was man that acted on his feelings. He never spoke of them, because mere words are useless. What would be the point of him, saying he loved her, but not acting like it? What was the point of him saying he cared about her, without making sure that she was okay?

“One more, sweetheart.”

His voice dripped with honey, thick and warm and gentle against her ear. His breath ran down her neck as he brought another spoon to her mildly parted lips. She further parted them hesitantly, taking in the liquid that had started to grow cold now. He watched her swallow, and he pressed a kiss on her temple. True to his word, he did reward her with a kiss on her forehead every time she accepted food.

“That’s a good girl.” He spoke thickly against her forehead, pressing another kiss there, watching her as she closed her eyes and revelled in the warmth of his kisses, his touches.

He left the almost empty bowl to the nightstand, beside her glasses that had been resting there for hours now. He cupped her cheek, urging her to turn and look at him, slowly bringing his mouth on top of her own. He kissed her, warm and sweet and gentle, and he wrapped both his arms around her. He had dreamt of wrapping his arms around her like this for so long.

“My sweet little babygirl,” he sighed against her sweet lips and his arm tightened around her, twisting her body gently to face his.

She looked so beautiful like this. The front of her body lied on top of his own. He could feel her heart beating against his chest. Both her legs, curled between his own. The palm of his one hand looked almost as big as her entire waist as he rested it at the small of her back keeping her pressed and trapped against him. Her fingers were tight around his white shirt, clutching on it. The three buttons of his shirt that were loose were exposing a bit of his chest beneath.

Nathalie leaned in and buried her nose in the open crease of his shirt, drawing in his familiar scent that always soothed her so much. She sighed contently, closing her eyes, allowing her body to fall limp in his embrace. She was so precious like this. Eyes closed, nuzzling into him like a needy infant. He had forgotten how small she looked when she leaned on him like this. How small and adorable and precious.

His arms tightened around her and in return, she wrapped both her arms around his shoulders, hanging from there, burying her face deeper into his chest. She had dreamt of that moment. Every night she went to sleep, she hugged her pillow wishing it was him. It was the only way she could sleep back in the asylum in the first few months that all she did was cry and mourn him.

“Every night I went to sleep…” she spoke “…I imagined you holding me like this.” She didn’t know if she could handle speaking about this, but she had to let him know. “The night they took me, I… I heard them shoot you. From then onwards, I thought you were dead… but you were with me in my dreams.” She pulled back and looked at him, with those eyes, glistening with tears. “You were dead…” she cupped his cheek in her tender hand “…but you were still holding me.”

Her voice shook, and tears dropped down her cheeks, warm and salty, and he tried his best not to start crying too, even though his eyes also glistened as he looked down at her. It was funny to think of how four years ago, he wouldn’t allow himself to even think about crying. But now, he had come to realise… what was the point of holding back? Was he trying to prove to her that he was strong? She already knew that. Everybody knew that. He wouldn’t have handled leading the Survey Corps for as long as he did if he wasn’t strong.

But strength didn’t mean never crying. A man who never cries is a weak man who cannot face his feelings and fight off his fears. That is a man who values his ego more than he values his health. A man who cries and accepts defeat is a strong man – a man who’s willing to throw away his ego and accept defeat, and then stand back up and try all over.

He was that man. He was once weak. So very weak – what was the point of slaughtering titans and overthrowing governments if he could not sustain a healthy relationship with the woman that he loved? What was the point of leading an entire race being so brave but such a coward at the same time, unable to tell her he loved her?

His cowardness had pushed her in the arms of another man.

Never again.

Erwin released his tears and her eyes widened. Sure, she had seen him cry only when he saw her again after four years, but to see him cry again in the same week was something that it had never happened in all the years she’d known him. Nathalie wiped away his tears from his cheeks immediately, and she cupped his face with both hands. He leaned down to kiss away her own tears from her cheeks.

“Erwin-”

“How will you know that I love you when I’m not even trusting you to see me cry?” Erwin asked. His hand reached for her face, running his blistered knuckles across her cheek, looking down at her in utter adoration. “You always cry, my sweet little girl,” he pressed the gentlest kiss on her forehead and she closed her eyes “but that only means you’re stronger than all of us.” He pressed another kiss on her temple, then slipped down to her cheek. “You gave me your heart and I broke it… over” a kiss “and over” another kiss “and over.” She had her eyes closed, surrendering to him entirely like she had always done. “And while it was broken – while I was too busy telling myself you’re not important enough – you gave your heart to the man who killed me, and he put it back together-”

Her eyes snapped open at his words. She gripped his shirt. She feared he’d finally tell her he hated her. “Erwin, please, forgive me, I beg of you-”

“Give it back to me.” He growled lowly.

His arms tightened around her impossibly. She gasped. Pain shot through her ribs. He was going to break her body in two, but she didn’t care. She’d let him. Pain was sweet when it came from him. Pain was pleasurable if it was by Erwin’s hand. She’d let him snap her weak body in his arms. She’d let him toss her around like a doll. Erwin’s love hurt and she had still accepted it with arms wide open.

“You’re mine.” Erwin’s one arm reached for her hair, clutching a fist in the brown locks, pulling her head back punishingly. She let out the most delicious whimper at the sting on her skull. “You’re all mine and your heart belongs to me. All of you belongs to me, Nathalie. Your heart, your body, your soul, your thoughts, your mind.” His mouth almost watered at the very view of her neck, arched and open wide, waiting for his lips, his teeth, his hand, his fingers. He hadn’t touched a woman ever since she left.

If he had her now, he’d devour her whole. He knew what a painslut she was. He knew his little girl was twisted and masochistic and even when she said I can’t it always meant fuck me harder. She didn’t get off when her man was gentle. No man knew how to handle her. No man could ever fuck her and make her cum like he did. No other man could ever satisfy her enough.

She was so sweet, but it was her sweetness that made her so very twisted, because she looked so perfect. She was the perfect wife, an incredible mother, an amazing cook and cleaner, and attentive to her chores, and always there to take care of her husband. She was the perfect soldier, disciplined and hardworking and so very unnaturally talented in everything she ever did.

She looked so perfect while she was the worst there ever was.

And he knew that. He knew it better than anyone. He knew her in ways no one ever would. He was the only man in the world capable of rivalling her brilliant mind. He was the only person in this world who could see right through her.

“No one can love you and understand you like I do. No one.”

“Yes…” she was hazed. Maybe she wasn’t even understanding what he or she were saying. He had to snap her out of it. His fingers tightened around her hair, pulling again, forcing her back into an arch. Her lower body pressed entirely against his own. She could feel his cock hardening beneath his pants.

He was such a hypocrite. He considered her twisted for loving pain while he too was a twisted man who loved giving it to her. Maybe that’s exactly why she was made for him.

“Say it.” Erwin commanded and he watched her writhe in his tight, punishing hold like a prey.

“I’m yours.” It came out instantly. Her breathing had gotten faster. Her skin seemed to shiver. She was enjoying this, wasn’t she? The power he had over her while she was the one to lead this entire, wicked ordeal. “I’m all yours. For now… and forever. You’re the only man I ever want… the only man I ever think about… the only man I’d ever drop on my knees for-”

She yelped loudly when he shoved her on the bed, on her back and he climbed on top of her. His tight hold had left her waist bruised, she was certain, but she didn’t care. She always wore his marks with pride.

He was kissing her before she knew it. He kissed her hard, slamming his lips on top of her own wildly while his hands snuck beneath her clothes to touch her overly textured skin. There were so many new scars. He wanted to kiss and lay eyes on every part of her. But there was some kind of urgency that he couldn’t seem to tame, and she didn’t either.

She so desperately unbuckled his pants, and he pushed her skirt up and tested her warm heat with his fingers, pushing her panties aside. She was so wet already and his cock was so warm and hard in her fist as she pumped him smearing his precum all over his length. He was so big. She had almost forgotten the blissful feeling of that thick, hard cock inside her.

Nathalie wrapped her legs around his hips and tugged him down to her, bringing his cock to her opening. She cupped his cheeks, bringing him down to her, to kiss him again.

“Fuck me, please… please, daddy…” she purred like a kitten against his lips while he groped her thighs, her hips. His hand snuck beneath her shirt, finding her breasts. She was moving so fast, already rubbing herself on his cock, driving him insane. He hadn’t touched a woman like this for four years. He had been loyal to her.

But she’d done otherwise.

Erwin grabbed her hips. Her legs were locked around his waist. The thick, bulbous tip of his cock pressed against her tiny hole that hadn’t been stretched in months. It was going to hurt if he didn’t prepare her but she didn’t seem to want him to. She had fucked another man. He couldn’t believe someone else had taken what was his. It made him feral. It made him want to kill Zeke in the worst, most torturous way possible. It brought a side out of him he had tried so hard to fight off.

She was doing this him. She, who kept him sane, made him insane.

He thrust into her to the hilt with a single move. Nathalie threw her head back and her lips parted in a silent scream. The stretch hurt in the most pleasurable way. Her legs shook around his waist. Both were still clothed and neither of them really cared to take off their clothes.

This wasn’t how he had imagined the night he’d reclaim his wife after retrieving her. He had imagined kissing her soft and sweet and gentle. He had imagined them both naked and exposed and entangled to each other like proper lovers, proper husband and wife. He had imagined tasting her, making her cum on his tongue, on his fingers till she was ready enough to take him. He had imagined making love to her, slow and intimate, confessing his love for her when they’d be done.

But this wasn’t love. This was raw, animalistic need. This was a necessity. He hadn’t touched a woman in so long. He’d never been more frustrated in his entire life, and she just wanted to forget. She wanted him to fuck her like an object merely made for his pleasure.

He wanted to love her, and she just wanted a fuck.

Was that what it had come to?

How could she say she loved him when she clearly didn’t?

How could she say she was his when she clearly didn’t feel like it?

That was what Nathalie always did. She gave him what he wanted, and he just never knew what she actually wanted.

But now it was clear, she just wanted to fuck.

If that’s what she wanted, that’s what she’d get.

Erwin started thrusting without waiting for her to adjust. She whimpered and tried to muffle her sounds as much as she could. He grabbed her hips, digging bruises in her skin as he slammed inside of her, hitting her cervix with every hard, rough thrust. It was as if he was punishing her, but she took it, because it felt so fucking good. Her hand snuck between their bodies, rubbing her clit in fast, wet circles. The wet sounds of their fucking grew louder and louder. His hips smacking against her own. He buried his face in her neck and bit down on her skin hard. He kept an arm on top of her head, to keep her beneath him. Her body jerked forward with every powerful thrust. He was going to break her.

And she was going to love it.

“You’re so fucking twisted, Nathalie.” Erwin groaned against her ear, but she was on cloud nine. She couldn’t comprehend a thing. “He couldn’t fuck you like this, could he?”

At that she opened her eyes, releasing the tears of intense pleasure and pain and need. She dug her nails on his back, on his shirt, threatening to tear it, and at this point, he’d let her. He wanted her to show how deprived she was. How unable Zeke was of pleasuring her. How Zeke and everyone else could never replace him.

“He doesn’t know you like I do. No one does. No one can handle you the way I do.” He’d never said anything remotely close to a woman. No woman had ever made Erwin Smith yield and feel insecure. No one. But she did. She made him the man he never thought he’d be.

Strong but weak. Sane but insane. In love but obsessed. Smart but foolish. Brave but cowardice.

How did she do that?

“You’re mine.” Despite it all, he wanted her. “You’re ruining me, but I can’t get enough of it.”

He kissed her again, fucking her into the mattress, to swallow her increasing moans and gasps and whimpers and tiny little screams that she was trying to suppress. He shoved her hand away from her clit and he rubbed it himself, just the way he knew she liked. He knew how to pleasure her better than she knew herself, because her legs shook and her fingers clenched in his hair, on his shirt, on the sheets. She came so hard, her eyes rolled to the back of her head and her wet, warm hole clenched so hard around him, it made him grunt and groan and struggle. Her juices coated his shaft and the sounds got louder and wetter. The feeling of that perfect little cunt spasming around him had him losing his mind. No one was like her.

He was about to cum and she could feel it in his uneven thrusts, in his erratic breathing, in the tight hold of his fingers on her hips, digging bruises everywhere on her skin, marking his territory. She was his property, but she didn’t seem to have gotten that in that brilliant head of hers yet. How dare she kiss another man? How dare she love another man while Erwin was working like a fucking dog?

“Inside me…”

She grasped his hair, pulling him closer. He buried his face in her neck and he suckled a large bruise. He pulled the skin in his mouth to muffle himself. She had disgraced him in any way he could think of, but he wasn’t about to cry out and give out how perfect she made him feel. How tight she squeezed him and made him want to cum on the spot.

“Please, please, cum inside me, I want to feel your cum… I want you to fill me up, please, please, please…” was she even calculating the meaning of those words? She wanted another child? She wanted to make their family bigger? The war wasn’t even over yet, and a World War could break out loose any moment and both of them could die. Their son could die.

They could hardly handle raising Eddie. No, they could hardly even keep their relationship together as husband and wife, father and mother, parents, spouses, lovers, friends. They could hardly handle each other right now. How could they add to that?

She wanted to go through it again. She wanted to go through the entire ordeal, but she wanted Erwin to be beside her this time. How could he not adore her and hate her at the same time?

She had him whipped and it frustrated him but all he did was beg for more.

Fuck it. He was going to be selfish today. He spilled his warm cum inside her body, pushing in as far as he could go and it felt amazing. She felt him filling her belly with warmth and she almost came on the very thought of it. He wouldn’t stop loving her if she got pregnant right now. He wouldn’t leave her. He couldn’t leave her now. She had him on a leash.

But he had her on a leash as well.

Erwin pulled out of her and twisted her body to lie on her stomach. He propped a pillow beneath her belly and the very sight of his cum dripping out of her abused little cunny had him growing hard again. He thrust his cock inside her hole and she cried out, but he shushed her, with an arm sneaking to the front, bullying his fingers inside her mouth.

He resumed his thrusts. Hard and fast and rough. He was taking no mercy on her today. This was her punishment for hurting him. This was her punishment for choosing another man. This was all her fault.

He gripped her neck, squeezing slightly while he drove his cock into her so hard, each thrust sent her whole body an inch or two forward.

“My twisted little girl,” he growled, grasping her shirt, pulling enough to expose her shoulder. He dug his teeth into her flesh. His chest pressed against her back as he leaned down, to keep her pinned beneath him while he fucked her to oblivion. “You always look the prettiest when dumb over my cock.” His breath found her ear. His heavy balls slapped against her ass. His cock was bruising her cervix, threatening to break into her womb. “What do you want me to do, hmm? Do you want another son? A daughter? Do you want me hooked on you for the rest of our lives?”

He had her figured out, hadn’t he? Maybe there was no point in hiding. He knew her better than anyone. He knew how wicked she was, yet he still loved her.

“Yes!”

Nathalie hooked an arm behind his head, clutching on his hair. He paused thrusting for a moment, burying himself deep inside the wet warmth of her spasming hole. Her small body was writhing beneath him. His one arm was wrapped around her chest, now reaching for her throat.

“You’re mine. Death can’t take you from me.” Nathalie’s fingers clenched in his hair. “I won’t allow it, and I won’t allow your stupid selfishness and self-sacrificial urges to lead you to your own death. To hell with the world. Our children and I must be your priority.”

He was lying on his back before he knew it and she was on top of him, straddling him, sinking down on his cock. Her skirt pooled between their bodies and she leaned down to kiss his lips and cup his face. She looked like a goddess like this, on top of him, hair messy, lips plump and parted and so delicious. Blue eyes, so warm down on his own. Her chest was bitten and bruised all over in his own marks. She was ruined, but oh so very beautiful.

“I won’t ever lose you again,” she stated, determined. “Not to this war, not to another woman, not to anything. You think you’re obsessed with me? My darling, you’ve no idea how obsessed I am with you.”

That’s it. She was insane and twisted, but he was just as twisted, and she had to let him know. But he knew. He’d always known she was mad for him. She got tortured for him. She joined the fucking Survey Corps for him. He hurt her and she came crawling back each time.

She’d never do the same for Zeke. She’d never do the same for Levi. She’d never do the same for anyone.

Erwin caught her hips, keeping her pinned in place, impaled on his cock, and he started thrusting up into her from below. She cried out and her body collapsed squarely on his chest, falling limp, letting him use her hole like fleshlight. Fuck her, till she could no longer think a single comprehensible thought. She buried her face in his neck, letting down her own marks on his skin without a care in the world whether they were on spots where people could see them.

Let them see them. Let them know he’s mine. Especially that cute assistant who was far prettier and younger than Nathalie. Who was probably nice and sweet and she’d probably give Erwin a much healthier and happier relationship.

His fat cock was hitting spots that made stars explode behind her vision. He was so very deep like this, she could feel him in her belly. He gripped her hips, her ass. His middle finger massaged the spasming hole of her ass. He couldn’t remember whether there was any time he had fucked her in that hole.

He definitely should.

She must have ruined both their clothes with her wetness and his cum that spilled out of her with every rough thrust, but they didn’t care. He was fucking her like an animal, and it was everything she ever wanted. A particularly rough thrust sent her over the edge. Her clit was rubbing on the rough zip of his pants. She screamed against his skin and her body shook in his arms, but he wrapped his arms around her waist, keeping her pinned against him as he fucked her through her orgasm.

Her cunny was squeezing him like a vice and tears ran down her cheeks as he didn’t let up. She tried to escape, but she couldn’t. He was way too strong and he was holding her so tight, fucking up into her, prolonging her orgasm and forcing her into another. She wept his name as the third orgasm washed over her, much harder than the previous two, but he still didn’t let up. He groaned against her ear. She felt so good around him when she came. He was determined to give her another orgasm, and another.

“Stop! Too much! I- I can’t- ‘s too much, ah-!”

He clamped a hand on her mouth. A look of utter bliss on her face. His cock still hitting deep, relentlessly rearranging her guts. She’d be sore for weeks to come, but he didn’t care, and she didn’t care either, because she came again, and she collapsed on top of him. He forced his fingers inside her mouth to shut her up, overstimulating her through another orgasm.

“Isn’t that what you wanted?!” Erwin spanked her ass with the other hand, and she let out the lewdest moan he’d ever heard in his life. “You wanted a fuck, didn’t you? Take it, little girl.” He littered harsh spanks in both her ass cheeks till they were red and raw and aching. He caught her hair, pulling her head back, forcing her back into an unnatural arch. He slapped her cheek, but it only served to make her pussy squeeze him more. “Take it like a good fucking girl.”

He watched his cock move inside her stomach and his one hand reached for her throat, the other, fisting on her shirt behind her, holding her upright just to look at her. She was the prettiest he’d ever seen her.

He squeezed her throat lightly to restrict her air and she’d never squeezed him so hard before. She loved this, didn’t she? She got off on violence, did she not? His wicked little girl. His corrupted little princess. He had ruined her, but she’d never been more beautiful.

“Cum for me, little girl.” His fingers tightened around her throat. “Cum around daddy’s cock, and he might consider giving you another baby.”

She came on command. Everything he was doing to her was driving her insane. She could barely breathe, but her whole body shook in pleasure, and a delirious look plastered over her face. The wet sounds of his cock slamming into her used, aching hole had him thrown over the edge too. He filled her up with his seed, feeling him warm and wet in her bulging belly and he finally released her throat, letting her collapse down on his chest as the two of them panted hard.

She coughed and panted and everything felt sore. Her ass was throbbing in pain and her hips were bruised all over by his fingers. Her throat felt sore and hoarse, and she coughed and massaged it. He was almost tempted to ask if she was okay, if he had gotten to hard on her, but then he reminded himself, she did not deserve that kind of dignity. He should probably push her down on the bed and fuck her again, but she was lucky he was exhausted.

It took a moment to catch their breath and calm down.

He ran his fingers through her hair as she nuzzled on his chest, and he tried to replay the things they had said.

“I won’t allow your stupid selfishness and self-sacrificial urges to lead you to your own death. To hell with the world. Our children and I must be your priority.”

“You are my priority. You don’t have to get pregnant again to be my priority.” Erwin spoke after a while. He brushed her hair away from her sweaty forehead and he held her tight. “You weren’t at first, because I was a coward who kept telling himself that pushing you aside was the right thing to do.” He ran his knuckles across her tender cheek. “But it wasn’t. It drove you insane.”

She lifted her head up to look at him, pressing her forehead atop his own with shiny blue eyes.

He tucked her hair behind her ear. “I love you, Nathalie. I love you. I love our son. My life belongs to you and our son. It doesn’t belong to the future of humanity. It doesn’t belong to my job and duties. It belongs to you. It belongs to my family.”

She couldn’t believe she was going to cry again. But yet again, she couldn’t believe she’d ever hear him saying this. Nathalie laughed. She laughed happily and it was as if though a massive weight had been lifted off her shoulders.

She wasn’t going to lose him.

She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and she buried her face in his neck, laughing and weeping at the same time. He held her tightly and he buried his face in her hair.

“I love you… I love you so much…” she said desperately.

She meant it.

He had won her back.

Zeke didn’t stand a chance. Zeke never stood a chance.

Erwin held her for hours on end. His chest swelled with pride. He had won.

A knock came on the door after a while, and she pulled back, both of them staring at each other wide-eyed.

“Eddie!”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

“The only person I’ll ever call papa, will be papa Zeke.”

That’s it. Nathalie was having a heart attack and Erwin was about to explode.

Chapter 103: Family

Notes:

angsty fluff uwu eddie finally comes around

Erwin opened the door, to see Moblit with a sleepy four-year-old in his arms. Moblit seemed tired too. Eddie had his cheek resting on his shoulder, a look on his cute little face that almost seemed like he’d been lulled to sleep, but his little eyes were still half open. His hair was a blonde, beautiful little mess and one of his little hands was curled up into a small fist having gathered up Moblit’s light blue shirt.

“Uh, Hange tried to get him to sleep, but she fell asleep first.” Moblit said. Black circles around his eyes. Just how much of a menace had this boy been today?

Erwin smiled at him gratefully. “Thank you, Moblit. Thank you both.” Erwin’s hands reached for Eddie as Moblit handed the little boy to him.

His son.

Erwin kept repeating it to himself. He had a son. He had yet to actually believe it. He felt so proud. He pulled his baby in his arms and Eddie buried his face in his dad’s neck in the exact way Nathalie used to nuzzle into him. Erwin felt his heart flutter.

“Goodnight, Commander,”

Erwin nodded at Moblit before he left to go to sleep. Erwin walked back to his quarters, closing the door behind, with his little boy in his arms. He looked so precious like this. A smile spread on Erwin’s lips as he took him to bed. He should hurry on and get them a home. Eddie would get his own little bed and an entire room to fill with toys and books and bedtime stories.

“Where’s mommy?” Eddie pulled back to look at his dad while Erwin took him to bed.

“She’s taking a shower. She’ll be with us in a moment.”

Eddie hummed in acknowledgment and rested his cheek on Erwin’s shoulder. Erwin probably had to start a conversation, but just holding him in his arms made his heart flutter. Sure, he had held Eddie once or twice before, but right now they weren’t being chased, he wasn’t in a hurry, they were both safe, and Erwin didn’t have to go to some meeting. They had all the time in the world.

Nathalie almost rushed out of the shower with a towel, using it to dry her hair. She had put on a clean, white nightgown. She put on her glasses, finally seeing clearly and she watched Eddie being held by his dad. It was like watching Erwin holding a smaller, cuter version of himself. She giggled and she reached close to her baby, planting a kiss on his cheek.

There was something odd about her. Her neck, her chest, her shoulders – all those spots that he was absolutely certain he had marked tonight with his teeth, his hands, his lips – all those purple bruises and the marks of teeth and nails, they were gone. She didn’t look like she had just been fucked to oblivion. Had she done something? Had he not fucked her hard enough?

Erwin began second-guessing himself.

“How was it, spending an entire day with Aunty Hange?” Nathalie asked. She would’ve taken Eddie in her arms, but Erwin didn’t seem to want to give him to her.

“It was great!” Eddie got lively all of a sudden. “Aunty Hange taught me the Central Dogma of Genetic Material!”

Erwin arched an eyebrow. That four-year-old must have already been smarter than both him and Nathalie combined. But his smile grew. Of course, Eddie was smarter and better. He was Erwin Smith’s son.

Nathalie chuckled awkwardly. “Oh boy.”

“Mr Erwin, do you want me to tell you all about the Central Dogma of Genetic Material?” Eddie turned and looked at Erwin who was still holding him. Erwin frowned and Nathalie cringed.

Oh no.

“Well, if you call me dad, or daddy, or papa, or father, I will consider sitting down and listening all about it.” Erwin looked down at Eddie.

Eddie frowned. “But I don’t wanna call you that.”

Why?! “I’m your father.”

“No, you’re not!”

“Yes, I am!”

“I refuse!” Eddie crossed his arms against his chest and turned his face away from Erwin. Erwin was pissed, and Nathalie was about to have a heart attack. “The only person I’ll ever call papa, will be papa Zeke.”

That’s it. She was having a heart attack. What was Erwin going to say?! She was screwed! Nathalie was ready to drop on her knees again and beg for forgiveness. It was her fault. Eddie just loved the man who was like a father to him when Erwin wasn’t around. But it was her fault that Erwin wasn’t around in the first place.

“E- Erwin, I’m so-”

Erwin lifted his one hand up, cutting her with the gesture and he turned and looked at Eddie’s frowning little lips. “And why is that?” Erwin asked. He was keeping his anger controlled so very well.

“Because papa Zeke is cool!” Eddie’s frown turned immediately into an excited, precious little smile. “Papa Zeke is cool, and he’s spoiling me, and he took me out to town and won so many teddies for me, and he bought me ice cream and bedtime stories, and train toys, and-”

“That’s enough.” Erwin cut him firmly. He had a dead serious look on his face, and Nathalie was absolutely certain that he was about to explode, and it was going to be ugly.

Papa Zeke is cool. Tsk. I am cooler. I am better. Of course, I am. This brat…

Erwin took in a deep breath to release the tension and his shoulders finally relaxed. He couldn’t burst out now. If he scared Eddie, then he wouldn’t even let him hold him.

“I got work to do.” Erwin handed Eddie to Nathalie, and he made his way to the door. Nathalie parted her lips to say something, to apologise, to ease his anger somehow. It was all her fault. She knew it. It was more than obvious. “Go to sleep.”

She had replaced him with Zeke. She had replaced her husband with the man who tried to kill him, not just in Eddie’s eyes, but in her heart as well for some time. It was easy for her to remember how much she had loved Erwin for her entire life, but for Eddie to love a man he never knew – a man who -in Eddie’s point of view- had abandoned both him and his mother and now suddenly showed up, demanding his affection. Of course, it was hard for Eddie to love the man who had abandoned him.

Before Nathalie had the chance to say anything, Erwin was out of sight and at his desk drowning in his work once more.

Nathalie sighed heavily and she turned at Eddie who was still frowning. “Look at what you just did.”

“Me?!” Eddie pointed a finger at himself. “Where was he, mommy, when they were dragging you away to do bad things to you? Where was he?!”

It truly broke her heart that he felt his way. Nathalie sat down by the edge of the bed, and she pulled him in her lap. There were so many things that Eddie wouldn’t understand even when he was a Burgess, even when she explained them to him.

“Listen to me, my darling,” Nathalie cupped his fluffy cheek. “Everything that happened to me – to us… it was my fault. I’m the one who left your father.”

“Yeah, but you did it to protect him, and Aunty Hange, and Uncle Moblit, and Uncle Miche, and everyone-”

“I could have just told them about my condition, and they could have taken measures.” Nathalie cut him. “I could have stayed, and the only father you’d known would’ve been him.” She glanced at the door leading to Erwin’s office momentarily before she looked back down at Eddie’s thoughtful look. “Please, darling, forgive me. I’m the one at fault. Don’t take it out on your father.”

Eddie sighed and hanged his head low. “Adult stuff are complicated.”

Nathalie laughed and she pulled him into a tight hug. “Tell me about it.” She pressed a kiss on his temple and she pulled back to look at him. “I’ll give you a bath, and then, you’re going to go to papa Erwin, and you’re going to give him a chance. Okay?”

Eddie contemplated this for a moment before he looked up at her and grinned. “Are you going to make chocolate cake tomorrow?”

Nathalie chuckled. “If you decide to be a good boy.”

“Okay then!”

༻◊۞◊༺

“Papa Zeke is cool…”

I’ll show you cool. I’m leading an entire race. I can take titans down. I overthrew a government. I have hundreds of women going crazy for me. There’s nothing cooler than that!

“…and he’s spoiling me, and he took me out to town and won so many teddies for me…”

Was it toys that he wanted?! Erwin would buy him an entire platoon of toys and teddies and train toys and everything in the toy making business. Erwin could afford everything. Zeke was nothing compared to him.

“…and he bought me ice cream and bedtime stories…”

He wanted ice cream?! Paradis had started to make ice cream too – thanks to Erwin. Erwin would take him out to town to buy to him as many cones of ice cream he wanted. Erwin could spoil him too! He could spoil him far better than Zeke ever could! Eddie could have everything he wanted!

Bedtime stories? He’d abandon that god-forsaken paperwork and he’d read him however many books he liked! Erwin had also read most of Nathalie’s books on biology. He knew all about the Central Dogma of the Genetic Material. He could hold up a very interesting conversation on biology.

Of course, I can! He could rival Eddie’s intelligence. Zeke couldn’t do that! Nobody could.

Erwin realised he hadn’t been really paying attention to the papers on his desk. Eddie was all he could think about. Papa Zeke this, papa Zeke that. He grumbled and buried his face in his hands, rubbing his aching forehead. He could be a far better father.

Erwin stopped thinking when he felt somebody pull on his pants from below.

The realisation hit him when he looked down. It was Eddie, standing on his two feet staring up at him with those huge blue eyes and the slightly wet blonde hair that Nathalie dried off with a towel after giving him a bath.

“What are you doing here? You should be in bed.” Erwin said.

“What are you doing?” Eddie asked.

“Uh…” Erwin looked down at the papers in front of him. He was still holding on that pen whose ink on the tip must have dried off by now. “…I’m working.”

“Didn’t look like you were working.” Eddie arched an eyebrow and Erwin sighed. He thought he’d be happy for his son to be unbelievably smart, but this was getting annoying. “You always work. But I don’t know what work means for you.” Eddie pulled on Erwin’s pants again. “What do you do when you work? Will you show me?”

Eddie’s little arms reached up for him and Erwin couldn’t resist. He picked up the little boy in his arms and settled him on his lap so that Eddie was facing the papers his dad had been working on.

“So, this is a report.” Erwin began explaining.

Eddie placed his little hands on the paper and he began reading the handwritten passages. “It says here this report’s addressed for the Queen.”

“It is, but I have been authorised by the Queen to manage certain military operations on her behalf.”

Eddie gasped in surprise and looked up at his dad, grabbing Erwin’s sleeve. “Wait! So, if you’ve been authorised by the Queen, doesn’t that also make you a ruler?”

Erwin chuckled and looked down at those huge blue eyes that stared up at him. “Partially, yes. There are many people like me and we’re all helping the Queen rule the Kingdom.”

“That’s so cool!”

Erwin smirked. Yes, I am cool, thanks for noticing.

“Okay! Show me more!”

It took about an hour of this. From reports to orders than needed validation, to requests to spend money to certain stuff, like food and blankets and military equipment. Everything that had to do with the Survey Corps and the Kingdom’s relations with the outside world. It took a while before Eddie said something that Erwin did not expect him to say.

“I’m sorry… dad.”

He called him dad. Erwin’s eyes widened and he stopped writing down and he looked down at the blonde head of the boy that barely reached the height of his chest.

“I… considered myself lucky to have papa Zeke despite you being dead,” Eddie turned and looked up at his dad “but I was just trying to deal with the fact that… my daddy had died.”

What was it with today and wanting to cry? It broke his heart all over. How dare he let this war get between him and his child? Erwin would never make the same mistake again. He wasn’t going to allow himself to die in this war. He wasn’t going to allow himself to leave his son ever again. His son and his wife.

“So… I’m sorry if it seems like I’m… not giving you a chance to be my dad. It’s just that… I hated you for not being there… and making mommy sad because of it.” Eddie buried his face in his little hands and let out a soft sob. “Mommy is always sad. No matter how much she’s smiling and telling me she’s okay… she’s sad. Even when she’s smiling… she’s crying. Every time she hugs me, I know she’s trying to hide her face. She tried to hide it so well, but I am still a Burgess, and I can still tell.”

Erwin couldn’t hear any more of this. He pulled his son to his chest, and he looked at those fat tears that ran down his cheeks and it hurt. It hurt watching that little boy cry more than it hurt him when he watched Nathalie cry. Erwin kissed away those little tears and tightened his hold around the boy, bringing his little head to his chest. A thousand apologies weren’t enough. Millions of toys would still not be enough.

He had left them and it was his fault. He should have never postponed her rescue mission over and over. He should have never given up on her. He told himself she was insane and dangerous and being away from him was the right choice. He told himself he’d honour her wish to leave and keep him safe from herself.

If only he had known she was pregnant when she left, he would have never let her go. And even now, he would never leave her out of his sight ever again. He was the only man who would ever touch her. He was the only father figure Eddie would ever have from this day forth.

“So… I’m sorry…” Eddie wept in Erwin’s neck and Erwin wanted to cry too, but as Eddie said, Nathalie always cried.

Eddie had gotten used to a sad mom. A mom who always cried. A mom who must have looked so weak in his childish little eyes. Erwin had to be the strong parent. So, he wasn’t going to cry. He was going to pull himself together and he was going to make that boy feel safe and reassured and loved. That was his duty as a father.

“It’s alright.” Erwin stroked Eddie’s back.

“I just wish, I’d… never lost my dad.” Eddie was crying a little louder now. A little more, and Nathalie would wake up to check on them both. His sobs were heart-wrenching. His little fingers were so tight around Erwin’s shirt as if Erwin was going to leave.

Erwin knew that feeling. He knew that feeling better than anyone.

“You haven’t lost me.” Erwin pulled back, taking out his handkerchief to wipe Eddie’s cheeks, his nose, his lips. “You won’t ever lose me. I’m here now, and I will make you and your mother happy. I will keep you both safe. I will try my best to be the father you deserve.”

Eddie sniffled and nodded, giving him a smile. “Okay. I will give you a chance.” Erwin smiled at him and before he had the chance to say anything more, Eddie jumped back down on his lap, and he turned his attention on the paperwork. “Now, let’s get back to work, shall we?”

Erwin chuckled. “Are you not tired?”

“I wanna spend some time with my dad. Daddy’s busy in the mornings, but now you’re here.” Eddie placed his little hands on Erwin’s desk, on top of the papers.

How could this little angel – who had made him so frustrated just a moment ago – now he made his heart melt? How? Erwin smiled brightly and he picked his pen back up. He leaned down pressing a kiss on Eddie’s temple, then his cheek and Eddie giggled so very sweetly.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, daddy.”

༻◊۞◊༺

It was about an hour later when Nathalie realised Eddie wasn’t sleeping beside her on the bed and she frowned. Where was her boy? Was he still with his father? She woke up, still sleepy and hazed and she wrapped her robe around her, and her hand reached blindly for her glasses on the nightstand, and she put them on. She switched on the lamp to her side, shedding light on the clock that stood there. It was 2 am and she cringed. Nathalie stood up to search for her son and husband.

She walked out to the office only to see them both there, on Erwin’s desk. Erwin had fallen asleep, leaning on the back of his chair, and Eddie had fallen asleep on his dad’s lap, leaning back on his dad’s chest in the exact same stance Erwin had taken against his chair. Drool was running down Eddie’s little lips and the lamp on Erwin’s desk was the only source of light.

Nathalie giggled quietly. They looked so precious like this. She never thought she’d see Erwin having slept with their son in his arms. For a moment she actually considered just standing there to watch them all night like this.

But they both must have been so tired. She composed herself and approached them. She wiped the drool off Eddie’s chin with her fingers before she pulled him up in her arms. Her sweet little boy shifted closer into her, burying his little face in his mom’s neck. She pressed a kiss on his temple, before she leaned down, pressing a kiss on Erwin’s temple as well.

“My strong, hardworking men.” She whispered softly, holding Eddie in one arm and the other reached for Erwin’s head, pushing his hair away from his forehead and cupping his cheek. “C’mon, darling, let’s get you both to bed.” Nathalie pressed another kiss on her husband’s cheek, then another on that tender spot beneath his ear and he began to stir.

Erwin inhaled deeply, signalling his stirring and he opened his eyes to see her there, holding their baby in her arms. She gave him a sweet smile and for a moment, he was scared, that this was all a dream, and that he’d wake up, exhausted on his desk, widowed and alone.

But that was no longer the case. He had his wife. He had his son. He loved them both madly. Erwin wrapped an arm around her, urging her to sit on his lap. Nathalie’s smile grew. How could she resist? She settled on his comfortable lap, holding Eddie with one arm, letting him bury his little face in her one shoulder and Erwin buried his face in the other.

She could have sworn – she’d never been happier. Nathalie wrapped her other arm around Erwin’s shoulders, and she held them both. Her husband, her son. The most precious people in her life. One large arm was around her, the other, holding her legs, supporting her against him. He held her tight. He held them both tight. His family. He could almost picture the smile on her face. Wide and precious.

This was his family.

To hell with the world.

He would prioritise his family. Not, the world. He wouldn’t make the same mistake his father. He knew better than anyone how it felt losing a father. He had Eddie go through it – his own son. He had made his own son and wife go through the same pain he did when he was a little boy with his mother. Never again. He was there now. He would never leave them again.

Never.

“I’ll never leave you again.” Erwin spoke warmly against the skin of her neck.

He pulled back to look at her, at that precious smile on her lips. Her arm withdrew from around his shoulders and cupped his face gently. He had that determined look on his face. The one that always helped radiate strength off him. It always made her feel so safe, so reassured, so happy. She ran her thumb across his cheek. A war was about to burst, but he held them both, promising to not die in it.

He didn’t know whether he could keep that promise. He couldn’t tell how things would turn out. If a war broke out, he would be the first to be sent in the frontlines. Paradis wasn’t like Marley. Paradis sent Generals and Admirals in the battlefield. It didn’t underestimate the value of soldiers’ lives over the value of their high-ranked officials. Erwin had worked hard to keep Paradis on the right path.

But he was still promising to not die. He was still promising. He had to live to keep them both safe. He had to live to be with his family.

“Even if you try to run away from me again, I won’t let you.” Erwin pecked her lips. “You’re my wife. The mother of my son. Your place is by my side. For now, and forever.”

Nathalie nodded and parted her lips to utter a thousand yeses. But he spoke.

“I’m sorry it took me so long to find you.” Erwin said. “I’m sorry I was so difficult all this time. I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you how much I love you. I’m sorry, I-”

She kissed him to shut him up. She was the one who had left in the first place. It wasn’t his fault. None of this was his fault. He had tried to warn her that he’d never tell her he love her because it was either her or his career. It was either her or his job and of course at first, he naturally chose his job because he had worked so hard for it.

But now, he was choosing her and their son and she couldn’t be more grateful. “I love you.” Nathalie mumbled against his lips, before kissing him a little harder and his arms around her tightened. “I love you so much.” She said when he released her lips.

“I love you too.”

He smiled at her. Despite all her flaws, despite everything she ever did that drove him so insane. Despite knowing how insane and twisted she could become at times. No matter her twisted thoughts and actions, everything she ever did was for the sole purpose of keeping him safe, and he could not hate her for that. He loved her despite it all.

“I love you both.”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

 

“Uh- s- sir, we need to get ready to ride to the Capital-” Eleanor tried to say but Nathalie cut her.

“I’m pretty sure they can wait a minute or two, can’t they, darling?” Nathalie stood up and smiled at her husband. He wrapped his one arm around her, tugging her closer to him and pressing a chaste kiss on her lips.

“Of course, they can.”

Nathalie smirked a bit, watching Eleanor frowning from the corner of her eyes.
lmao the bitch fights bw nat and eleanor will start in the next chap MUAHAHAHHA

Chapter 104: Mother to Son

Notes:

i literally forgot about eren's existence so i wrote this chap real quick LMAO lemme know if ive forgotten anything else, this bitch's brain is a mush (bitch being me)

Erwin opened his eyes early in the morning. It was one of the rare times he’d allow himself to sleep properly on his bed. Ever since Nathalie and Eddie came back to him, he had been sleeping more than he had dared sleep in the past four years. Erwin looked down to see his arms were wrapped around her. A smile spread on his lips. Eddie was nuzzling into her chest. She was holding onto their son, and he was holding onto her.

He never thought it’d feel so good to have a family. A wife and child. They looked so precious right there, the both of them. He’d keep them safe. From this day forth, they were his priority. They were all that mattered to him. Erwin pressed a kiss on Nathalie’s temple, and then he leaned down and pressed a kiss on Eddie’s forehead.

His most precious people in the world.

Erwin stood up and prepared himself for the day. It was around 5:40 am when he stood in front of the mirror to fix his bolo tie. The sky was still a dark blue outside, the day had barely begun, and the sun was still hiding behind the tallest mountains in the horizon.

“Daddy?”

A familiar little voice came from behind and he smiled turning to see Eddie’s eyes, open and staring at him from the bed. Erwin approached the bed and sat on the edge towards Eddie’s side. Eddie’s little hands reached for his dad and Erwin chuckled, picking him up in his arms. Eddie buried his face in Erwin’s neck and grasped his shirt.

“You goin’ to work?” Eddie asked sleepily and Erwin nodded.

“Yes.”

“Can I come with you?”

Erwin’s heart fluttered beneath his chest. This sweet little boy – his son – this little angel that he adored so much, he wanted to spend time with him. Alas, he didn’t have time. He wished he had all the time in the world to spend his days with him and his sweet mother who was now sleeping peacefully beside him. Nathalie hadn’t had any nightmares tonight. Erwin was surprised, but happy to watch her sleep in peace.

“I’m afraid not.” Erwin pressed a kiss on Eddie’s little temple. “I’m sorry.”

Eddie pulled back to look at his dad. “When will you be back?”

Erwin smiled. “Late at night, I’m afraid.”

Eddie nodded. “Alright. Then I guess I have to spend all day sleeping.” Eddie jumped off his dad’s arms and settled back down on          the bed, comfortably beside his mom, nuzzling his face in the pillow.

Erwin pulled the blanket on top of his little body and he leaned down pressing another kiss on Eddie’s forehead. He was going to spend all day sleeping because he wanted to be awake in the night when his dad would be back.

“Love you, daddy.” Eddie closed his little eyes and grasped the blanket within his little fists.

Erwin was melting. “I love you too.”

Erwin started his day with a smile, and it was so strange. His assistant was staring at him while the two of them were walking down the hall and it wasn’t the usual heart-eyes she was always giving him. It was surprise and maybe a little bit of terror. In all four years, Eleanor hadn’t seen this man smile not even once. Something terrible must have happened.

“S- Sir?” Eleanor asked, cringing slightly, walking hastily by his side. “Y- You’re smiling. Should I book an appointment with Dr Hoffmann?”

Dr Hoffmann was a psychologist. Psychology wasn’t a job that was taken seriously on Paradis until Paradis finally opened up to the rest of the world. Dr Hoffmann was specifically assigned to take care of the soldiers of the Survey Corps. Mostly younger cadets sought his guidance.

“That won’t be necessary.” Erwin said, his smile remained unwavering for the rest of the day. He had his family back. He had his son and wife. How could he not smile? His son loved him.

༻◊۞◊༺

Nathalie found a note on Erwin’s office, and she recognised his handwriting. There was a folder beneath that letter and her eyes widened when she realised that this was… money. Lots of it. Her eyes widened and she turned to read the note to the side.

Get Eddie clothes, food, and toys. Anything he wants.

~ Dad

Nathalie giggled at the ‘Dad’ written down in the right corner of the note. She never thought she’d see Erwin warming up to the role of a father. He seemed to want it. He seemed to be happy by the fact that he was a father.  but there was no way she was going to spend all that money. They didn’t need that much money for clothes and toys and food. But she did as her husband had asked.

Nathalie took Eddie out in the market and bought him everything he wanted regarding toys. She bought him clothes and everything necessary to fully settle in. It looked like most of the clothes in their one closet that all three of them shared, seemed to be Eddie’s and Nathalie just smiled. It had been a busy day. She homeschooled Eddie – like she’d been doing before she lost her mind entirely. She had to pick up his education where they had left it.

It looked like only a Burgess could homeschool another Burgess. The Burgesses did not send their kids to school, simply because everything the kids were taught in schools were incompetent for the mind of a Burgess. Marley was okay with it and every other country in the world had recognised the Burgesses as better, perfect human beings.

Superior.

Of course, despite the special treatment, the Burgesses had still been brought to their downfall. Nathalie had to save her family. She knew she didn’t really have to. The Burgess Family had never really been there for her. Her parents abandoned her and Nathalie wasn’t raised and homeschooled by a Burgess. She had figured everything out on her own. She was raised by good, Eldian people. She was raised on Paradis, and Paradis was her home, and she’d remain loyal to it. Her husband was an Eldian and her son was half Eldian. If the Burgesses found out about it, they’d probably look down on her and think of her marriage to be a mistake.

But those people had given her nothing. They had no right to have demands over her life, and she also had no reason to want to help them.

But she wanted to. She wanted to be called a Doctor but that title came with responsibility and duties. Helping people regardless of what they gave her in return, that was the meaning of vowing to become a Doctor. Simply just helping people. So it was simply her duty to help them. She was probably the only one who could.

“Mommy?”

Nathalie snapped out of it, and she turned and looked down at Eddie. He had been sitting on her lap. On Erwin’s empty desk there was a large book laid in front of them and she was explaining him the contents. Evolutionary biology.

“Are you okay, mommy? You drifted off again.”

Nathalie smiled at him brightly. “I’m sorry. But I’m alright, don’t you worry.” Eddie nodded and she leaned to press a kiss on his temple. “Do I drift off very often?”

Eddie nodded again. “Sometimes.”

She hadn’t even noticed it. Sometimes she wondered whether her brain had actually been fully healed. Whether she was actually sane or not. Maybe she was touching sanity at last, but not entirely yet. Maybe she needed more time. But she couldn’t afford more time. She had to be okay now. Now that her son and her husband needed her. She had washed Eddie’s clothes, both old and new. She had done hers and Erwin’s laundry. She had cleaned and tidied up the bedroom and the quarters and changed the sheets.

Nathalie had been expecting it to be messier, considering that Erwin’s bedroom and quarters hadn’t had a woman’s touch in four years. She knew for a fact that Erwin knew some basics in cleaning, but not that attentively.

Had another woman touched those quarters and his clothing? All of his shirts were ironed to perfection. There was no way Erwin had sat down in the last four years to obtain ironing skills. That was a woman’s work (I’m reminding y’all that this is a 40s type of thinking).

Could it maybe be that assistant of his? She does many things for him. What the hell did that mean? Laundry? Cleaning? Cooking? Picking his ties?! Does she even suck his dick?!

“Mommy!”

“Oh, right! Let’s move over to Molluscs, shall we?”

Nathalie had to focus. She could not afford to get jealous now. She had no right to get jealous. She fucked with another man while her husband was alive and Erwin hadn’t even punished her for it. Erwin had treated her lightly no matter how much it hurt him. She still felt guilt about that.

But the very thought of someone else replacing her? His assistant was prettier. More beautiful that Nathalie could ever be – or that’s what Nathalie thought at least. With those added scars all over her body – the deep cuts, the cauterised flesh, the permanent burn marks from high voltages they had struck her with and cut, missing pieces. The bruises from the leather they used to bind her with would forever remind her what she had been through. There were around her wrists, her legs, there was a faint one around her neck. And then it was her body. So skinny and ugly and terrible. The bones stuck out from beneath her skin.

Nathalie knew she was ugly, and her insecurities amplified tenfold after she got back. Erwin’s assistant was a prime example of how so many women out there were better than her. Plus, she had wronged Erwin so much.

The door opened and Erwin walked in with his assistant following suit. Nathalie fought back the need to frown at the sight of his assistant also being there, but she just had to remind herself that she had no room for jealousy. She was just his assistant. Nathalie was his wife.

So, Nathalie smiled at her husband, the father of her child, as he approached them both and Eddie let out a squeal of happiness.

“Daddy!” Eddie’s hands reached for his dad and Erwin laughed.

Erwin… laughed. By the surprised look on Eleanor’s face, this man had probably never laughed in all the four years she’d been with him. Erwin picked Eddie up in his arms, and pressed kisses on his cheeks.

“How’s my son doing today?”

“Mommy and I went out to town today!”

“Did you?”

“Yes! I got so many toys! Wanna show you?”

“Uh- s- sir, we need to get ready to ride to the Capital-” Eleanor tried to say but Nathalie cut her.

“I’m pretty sure they can wait a minute or two, can’t they, darling?” Nathalie stood up and smiled at her husband. He wrapped his one arm around her, tugging her closer to him and pressing a chaste kiss on her lips.

“Of course, they can.”

Nathalie smirked a bit, watching Eleanor frowning from the corner of her eyes.

“I have a project to assign you.” Erwin said and Nathalie turned her attention at him entirely. While Eddie was talking on and on about his new toys, Erwin turned at his wife. “I want you to figure out a way to take Annie Leonhardt out of the crystal shell she’s been trapped in all this time now.”

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Nathalie asked. Last time Annie was out, she had killed more than a hundred young scouts. She was certain Erwin had his reasons for wanting her out. Maybe he’d use some brilliant words to convince her to join their side. Having the Female Titan on their side would benefit them greatly, that was true.

Erwin nodded. “And something else. You are the only one who can bring Eren back to us.”

Her eyes widened. “You know where he is?!”

“He’s hiding in the Hospital of Liberio.” Erwin said. Or that’s what his spies had reported at least. “I guess he’s planning to attack Liberio himself, so, we must hurry before he worsens things.”

Her eyes widened. Was he really planning to do that?!

“The Tybur Family is preparing an announcement. If I had to bet, they’ll announce war against Paradis, and we need to stop them.” Erwin said.

“I could try talking to the head of the Tybur Family myself.” Nathalie said and Erwin shook his head.

“I have had many negotiations with Will Tybur, but we did not reach an understanding.”

“Do they know the vaccine works?”

“They do, but they don’t believe it.”

“Then we need to set an example.”

It was simple. They had to prove that the vaccine worked. Willy Tybur had a sister. Lara Tybur was the carrier of the Warhammer Titan – or that’s what she had heard her uncle say while he… experimented on her. They just had to vaccinate her, and she’d lose the titan and she’d be a prime example of the vaccine’s effectiveness.

They somehow had to get close to Lara Tybur. They had to trigger her to turn into a titan.

Nathalie smirked. “I have a plan, but we need to retrieve Eren first.”

༻◊۞◊༺

The sky was grey. Nathalie had never walked the streets of Liberio on her own. It was risky. Marleyan guards and the police on patrol could recognise her any moment. They would probably drag her back in that asylum. But Nathalie was willing to take the risk. Today, she was going to bring her son back home. No, not Eddie. Her oldest son.

Eren.

He had strayed too far from home for far too long. He looked miserable. He probably had other plans in mind. What was he thinking? Nathalie tried to guess and read his mind as she looked at him from a distance. He was sitting on that bench, outside the hospital. Eren Kruger was the name that he had given. The nurses said he was an Eldian soldier who had fought for Marley in the war. They said he had amnesia and no one had come to get him so far. He had had no relatives, no friends.

Was he really planning to destroy Liberio and kill all of Marley’s high-ranked military in the event that the Tyburs were planning? Erwin had made it clear. If Paradis was the one to attack Marley first, then there was no saving Paradis. The world would turn against them, even their own allies that Erwin had tried so hard to gain their trust in the past four years. If Eren went through his insane plan, all the hard work that Erwin had put into this would be for nothing.

Nathalie sighed and made a beeline for Eren. He recognised her, but chose to say nothing about it, even when she sat beside him. He had let his hair grow and he had a crutch resting to his side. He leg seemed to have been chopped off and he had a bandage around his head, covering his one eye. It hurt her so much to watch him like this. She felt guilt because she wasn’t there for him in the past four years.

The power of the Founder must have already driven him insane by now.

If anyone knew anything about losing their mind, was Nathalie.

She sat beside him, fixing her dark blue skirt so that she could cross her legs and settle comfortably beside him. She let her bag to the side on the remaining empty place on the bench and she looked ahead. Nathalie let silence fall between them for a small moment.

“You’re not really here, are you?” His voice came, breaking the silence and she felt her heart clench at his words.

Did he really not think that she was there? What did he think? Did he think that she was just in his head? He had lost it too, hadn’t he? In Eren’s mind, Nathalie had been taken away from him and she was locked somewhere and suffering. He had been trying to find her – that’s why he left in the first place. It was all her fault.

“Where are you… Nat…” he wondered out loud.

He threw his head back and looked up at the thick, grey clouds that covered the sky. He had a dead look in his eyes. Indifferent to everyone else, but she could tell he was in excruciating emotional pain. He had already lost a mother, and now, he had lost another. Nathalie tried to swallow her tears and she placed a hand on his shoulder. His eyes widened. That touch felt too real. Was someone really sitting beside him right now?

“Who’s Nat?” Nathalie teased. “I am Devona Kruger, and I’m here to take my son back home.”

Eren turned and looked at her with wide eyes. Wide, emerald eyes, full of tears. There was no way she was there. But that smile on her lips looked so real and her hand was warm on his shoulder. Her hair was a brown mess to the soft breeze just like they had always been. Her wrist was a dark red, but she was there. Her circular glasses rested by the bridge of her nose and her pink lips curled into a smile even though she had tears in her eyes too.

Was she really there? Was she real? Eren had spent too much time living an imaginary life in Paths with the people that he loved and cherished. It was real but only partly. Eren had no idea how to distinguish reality from dreams and nightmares. The power of the Founder was weighing down on him heavily.

Nathalie took her hand from his shoulder, and she cupped his face, running those gentle fingers of hers across his rough cheek. He had let some facial hair grow. She would have to give him a haircut once they’d get home. She had given him a haircut so many times when he, Mikasa and Armin were still little.

She had missed those times. The old days when she was raising those three but also working in the Scouts at the same time. Things were so much simpler back then. Things were easier. She wished she’d go back and do everything right. Maybe she wouldn’t go through her relationship with Erwin because all she did was hurt him. Both she and Erwin, all they did was hurt each other. And now they had a son. They had brought a child in this mess, in this world that was full of conflicts and an all-out war could burst any moment.

Nathalie couldn’t think about it. She would do everything necessary to protect her children, her family, her husband, her friends.

She’d give her life for them all.

Before she knew it, Eren pulled her into a hug. He wrapped his arms around her tightly and he buried his face in her shoulder, shutting his eyes and clutching onto her. She was there. He was touching her. She wasn’t just inside his head. She was alive and well. Nathalie wrapped her arms around his shoulders and released her tears.

“Mom, I… I have a plan.” He whispered in her ear and she held him tighter.

“I know what you’re planning to do.” It wasn’t hard to figure out. “You’re planning to rumble the entire world – or at least most of it. You don’t care to protect Paradis. All you care about is protecting us.” Nathalie pulled back to look at him. She had figured him out. She always did. Even when he said no, I don’t need your affection and pity, she always knew he was begging for it. She knew her son. “But the Commander has a better plan than that.”

“But, Nat, you don’t understand, they’re going to-”

“We’ve earned the favour of twenty-five countries.” Nathalie cut him and his eyes widened. “Erwin has a plan and I’m helping him through it. All I ask is that you lend us your strength.”

Eren was thinking about it, but she could tell she hadn’t quite yet convinced him.

“Mikasa is waiting for you.” Nathalie said. “I promised her I’d bring you back to her.” She stood up and passed her bag around her shoulder. “I will not force you though. You are free, Eren. You were born free and as your adoptive mother, I want you to be free and happy to live as you wish. But when I’m seeing that you’re tormenting yourself like this, of course, I will try and stop you.” She turned and looked at him and gave him a smile. “But that doesn’t mean I can stop you. No one can Eren Kruger from doing and achieving what he wants. That’s what I love most about you.”

“Do you remember… when you told me that…” Eren spoke “…I’m talented in knowing what’s right.” He looked up at her, frightened, terrified that he’d actually have to commit the great sin of trampling all over billions of lives. “What if I am right?”

“Listen to me, darling, you can’t keep getting yourself in trouble like that. Mikasa will not always be there to look after you,” Nathalie tended to Eren’s scraped knee and he winced slightly as she placed a cloth drenched in alcohol on his wound.

“Well, I don’t need her help!”

“Yes, you do. Some people can be talented fighters, and some others cannot. Mikasa is clearly talented, and Armin’s talent is clearly intelligence,” Nathalie explained.

“And what is my talent? Causing trouble?” Eren talked back and she grinned.

“Well, that’d be some talent,” Nathalie teased, and she tied a cloth around his scraped knee and then tended to that cut on his cheek. “Hmm, I do believe that your talent is knowing what’s right,” She pulled back to look at him in his huge green eyes. “But the problem is, not everybody will agree with you, and they don’t have to. And you shouldn’t even try to convince them,” Nathalie pulled away the cloth and the bottle of alcohol. “Forcing your opinions on someone else – even if you are right, it’s wrong, agreed?”

Nathalie chuckled. “You used to get to so many fights when you were little.” She cupped his face and approached him. “You do know what’s right. And I trust you to make the right choice, but even if you don’t… I will be there to… tend to your injuries like I did when you were a little boy. Not just me, everyone else too. We all love you, Eren.”

Nathalie turned to leave. She knew what he was going to choose, but she let out a sigh of relief when she heard him stand up, following her closely from behind. Nathalie’s smile only grew when she passed his one arm around her shoulders to help him walk while he held the crutch in the other.

“Fine then. Take me home.”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

 

“You always talk about me leaving you… but at the end of the day… you’re the one who always leaves.”

Chapter 105: Talk

Notes:

aaaaaanggggssttttt

“Alright, Eddie.” Both Nathalie with Eddie in her hug stood in front of the crystalised Annie Leonhardt in the dungeons of the Survey Corps HQ. There were lights bringing enough light in the room and Annie was sitting upright by the wall right there. “Daddy asked to take Aunty Annie out of there. Any ideas?”

“We heat it up to 1765 C degrees.”

“That’s not a Quartz crystal, darling.”

“But it looks like one!” Eddie whined.

Nathalie chuckled. “It’s a Titanamite.”

“A titan-what?!”

“The Burgesses named it a Titatanamite. Commonfolk call it the hardening.”

“Oohh, right okay. What is its chemical formula?”

Watching the two Burgesses work made Armin chuckle. He had been visiting Annie every day for four years now, talking to her, telling her everything that was happening, hoping she could hear him. Maybe she could. Maybe she couldn’t. He had no idea, he just kept her company when Erwin didn’t need him.

“Then we pour nitric acid on it!” Eddie said and Nathalie’s eyes widened.

“That’s a great idea, but it’s a little dangerous. We don’t want to harm Aunty Annie.” Nathalie said. “Remember when I said that the Jaw Titan can break the hardening with its teeth?”

“Then we need titan spinal fluid from the jaw titan!”

“Exactly!”

“What about frequencies, mommy?”

“That’s another great idea!” Nathalie pressed kisses on his cheeks and held him close. “My sweet baby is so smart!” Eddie giggled cutely. “Now, we’re going to go and study physics. We need to know everything about frequencies, okay, darling?”

“Yes, mommy!”

Nathalie turned at Armin who had been sitting quietly on a bench nearby, watching them with a smile on his face. Nathalie looked at Eddie. “Greet your big brother a good day.”

“Have a good day, ‘min!” Eddie waved at Armin and Armin chuckled.

“Good day to you too, Eddie.”

Frequencies. Tiny little waves that would penetrate through the crystal and cause it to crack and eventually break. But they had to find the right frequency first. Nathalie got to work right away. Erwin was busy – as always – and Eddie had complained about it, but Nathalie wouldn’t blame him. Eddie wanted attention from his father, but his father was leading an entire Kingdom right now, so, Nathalie tried to make up for it as much as she could.

Eddie had won everybody’s hearts. Eren was trying his best to be cool big bro and Mikasa was already showing Eddie some basic, fighting moves. Eddie had everyone else’s attention all the time, but he still missed his dad.

Now, Nathalie was heading for the Mess Hall. She’d find the 104^th there with Eddie, having dinner and she had to save some dinner for Erwin too. She barely ate anything and she only did it because she didn’t want to pass out in front of her son. The nightmares got worse, but Erwin was so tired, he hadn’t even noticed her toss and turn in the nights. When he’d find her sleep by his couch in the morning, he knew she had woken up from a nightmare and she had chosen to sleep there away from them both. She didn’t want to wake them. Erwin was tired and busy. She didn’t want to be a burden.

So, Nathalie tried to deal with the trauma on her own. She didn’t want Eddie to be worried for her, and she didn’t want to add to Erwin’s burdens. Even when she’d start crying out of nowhere for no reason at all, she’d make sure neither of them was watching. Even when she couldn’t sleep and she couldn’t eat and she could just pass out from exhaustion – she tried to keep herself standing. Erwin wasn’t there for her.

But it was alright. She just had to keep it together. How could she, when all she could think about was being tied down and experimented on?

Keep it together, she reminded herself as she walked down the Mess Hall passing through numerous offices. She had to remain strong for her child, her husband, her friends.

“Nat!”

A familiar voice came from behind and she couldn’t believe it. Levi? Levi had taken the days off after her rescue mission. He and Petra were looking for their own home and Petra was to retire soon since the news came up that she was pregnant. They had gotten married. Nathalie was so happy for them both. She turned and saw Levi walk out an office that she had just passed, and she laughed and ran to him.

She fell in Levi’s arms, and she was as light as a feather. He got worried for a moment, but he smiled, wrapping his arms around her waist.

“I missed you! It’s been so long!” Nathalie pulled back to look at him with that beautiful smile on her lips and that excitement in her eyes that he adored. “You and Petra got married?! Congrats! I’m so sorry I wasn’t there! But I’m so happy for you two!” Nathalie giggled and she looked up at him, at those argent eyes that she loved so much. Levi was the first man she’d ever loved. Now, they were friends. They had come such a long way. “I know I am a little late, but I will get you both a wedding present!”

“You don’t have to.” Levi’s lips curled into a small smile and she shook her head.

“Of course, I do!”

“How are you?” Levi cupped her face. Her skin was cold to the touch and she looked a little pale. He took her wrist in his hand and he was actually surprised at how thin her wrist was. Her skin was perfectly hugging the bone.

“I am alright.” Nathalie waved off the subject. She clearly didn’t want to talk about her health. “C’mon, I need to introduce you to my son! I named him after Erwin’s father, you see-” Nathalie tried to change the subject and take his hand in her own, to drag him to the Mess Hall, but his fingers tightened around her own keeping her in place and tugging her close.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Levi asked again. He knew when Nathalie said she was okay, she really wasn’t okay. She was far from it. She had been experimented on. Levi had read the reports. He could see right through her, and she had almost forgotten how well this man knew her.

Someone caught her hand and tore it away from his own, getting between them, urging Nathalie to stand behind. It was Erwin. Erwin wasn’t really scared that Levi would steal her from him. On the contrary, he was scared that Nathalie would seduce the poor, married man. So, Erwin winked at Levi knowingly when Nathalie wasn’t looking, and it only served to confuse Levi even more.

What kind of game was Erwin playing this time?

“Now that you two have met…” Erwin spoke, keeping a fake, stern look on his face that would’ve fooled Levi entirely if it wasn’t for that wink “…there’s something I need to discuss with my wife.”

The way he punctuated that word and how tightly his fingers had clenched around her wrist, it made her heart thrum hard beneath her chest. Was Erwin mad? Had she done something wrong? She had merely pulled Levi into a hug. That was all. But Erwin had asked her to never touch another man again. He had asked her to not look Levi in the eye, not to let him touch her.

Was he mad because she hadn’t obeyed his request?

What was he going to do to her because of it?

Levi groaned in irritation and rubbed his forehead. “Whatever. Just make sure she eats something. She’s starved.” He said before he left. He had no idea what kind of mind games Erwin was pulling with Nathalie, but he wanted no part of it.

Erwin dragged her back to his office, their quarters, and he slammed the door shut pushing her against it with a loud thud. Nathalie let a gasp as her back hit the wooden door and Erwin threw a hand on the door beside her head, trapping her there like a predator.

“What did I say about Levi?”

“T- That I shouldn’t touch him… o- or look at him.”

“And what did you do?”

“I… I hugged him.” Nathalie bit her lip and looked down and away from him.

It was amusing how she looked absolutely scared of him right now even though he knew she wasn’t. She was getting off on it. So helpless and adorable, right there, trapped between his body and the wooden door. Her lower lip trembled, and her body shook. If he didn’t know better, she would have fooled him that she was actually frightened of her much larger and physically stronger husband.

Was she?

“What should I do to you now?” Erwin wrapped an arm around her and pulled her off the door, dragging her close to him. He caught her hair with the other hand, pulling her head back, forcing her to look at him. “Does my pretty little girl wish to be punished?”

She shook her head no but he clicked his tongue.

“Don’t lie.” His voice was terrifyingly tender. He let go of her hair to touch her cheek in a feather-like touch, but she knew he would switch to rough treatment before long. “I know what you want, Nathalie…” Erwin leaned closer till his breath found her earlobe and his arm tightened around her waist painfully “…you want a man that’s mad for you. Well, I am.” He pressed a kiss beneath her ear and she shivered. He continued pressing kisses all the way down her neck, her chest, as far as her shirt would allow him. “I am so mad for you, I’d kill for you…” he planted a rough bite in the junction between her neck and her shoulder and she trembled in his tight hold, letting out the prettiest whimper “…because you’re mine, Nathalie Smith.”

Butterflies burst in her stomach, and she didn’t know whether it was uncomfortable or blissful. Maybe both at the same time. He started planting bites and marks on her perfect white skin one by one. It hurt, and he had her marked up before long with his teeth, his lips, but she did not complain. Pain felt so good when it came from him. She let out the prettiest sounds and her arms wrapped around his shoulders and reached for his hair. She was going to comb her fingers through his hair. She was planning to ply him and bend him to her will with that addicting touch of hers that he could never get enough of. She knew exactly how to touch him to sweep his anger away.

But he did not let her. He caught both her hands, knocking them behind her back with a single arm of his own, while the other worked roughly on the buttons of her shirt, finally finding the scars that laid on her chest. His name had been carved up there. This woman had gotten tortured for him. He loved her for it. He loved her for her loyalty. Back then, she loved him too. She loved him so much, she was willing to give her life away for him.

Would she still do the same? Would she? Somehow he doubted it. For Nathalie, their relationship as husband and wife had long been broken. She had forgotten who she belonged to. She had forgotten whose name she had carved on her chest. She had earned that torture for him because she loved him.

He had to remind her that once upon a time, when she was still sane and reasonable, she was madly in love with the man now holding her so roughly. It was no problem. He knew roughness was the only language she’d understand.

Erwin traced the initials of his name on her chest with his fingers. “Whose name is written right here?”

“Yours.”

“Who owns you, Nathalie?”

“You.”

“Then why the hell did you fuck the man who nearly killed me?”

Her eyes widened and she slipped out of the haze entirely in an instant. Was that what it was all about? She didn’t blame him. She knew he wouldn’t let that go quite yet. He had every right to still be mad and hating her. He had every right to resent her.

“You have every right to resent me.” Nathalie said looking up at him. He was hiding it, but he was furious. This wasn’t about Levi at all, was it? He was still mad about what she had done, and he was right to be. “But at the time… he was all I had.”

Did it really feel like this? Did she feel abandoned and unwanted and alone? Weak? Surrounded by enemies? Who had brought this to herself? She. She brought this to herself. Bullshit. She had brought this to herself. She was the one who left. And since she had Zeke, she could have contacted Paradis, right? Even Eren, when he was in the hospital of Liberio, through a mere Warrior Cadet he was able to send a letter. Nathalie definitely could send a letter through Zeke. She could have definitely contacted them somehow.

“Even if I was dead…” Erwin said “…couldn’t you send a letter? Didn’t you care to check if Hange or Moblit or Levi were alive?” He gripped on her shirt, on her elbows.

Oh, but she had sent letters. She had sent many through Zeke. Zeke hadn’t denied helping her reach out to the people she cared about on Paradis, letting them know that she was alive. She had stopped sending letters when the experiments started, and she wasn’t anywhere to being sane. When Zeke stopped visiting her, she stopped sending letters.

But she hadn’t received any response whatsoever. She overlooked it though. She told herself they probably never even reached Paradis. Marley was probably sabotaging any kind of contact to Paradis, and it was a viable reason, so she didn’t question it.

Nathalie parted her lips to tell him, but he continued speaking.

“I didn’t know whether you were alive. I didn’t know where you were.”

“But you didn’t search for me.” Nathalie’s eyes filled with tears. “You didn’t. You’re smart, Erwin. Smarter than me. It shouldn’t have taken you four years to find me.” She looked down. “I do not blame you though. I did ask you to never look for me. It was me the one to leave. I’m the one who surrendered. If I’d known I was pregnant, do you think I would have left?”

“Of course, you wouldn’t have. I’d never let you.”

“Do you think I had a choice?” A tear ran down her cheek. “I had a voice inside my head telling me to kill you.” She gripped the collar of his shirt and tugged him closer. “Kill him. Kill him. Kill him, he doesn’t care about you, it said. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t love you. He never did, it said· and every night I lied beside you, that voice was there. When I married you, when we danced, when you took me after our wedding, that voice was still there. Whenever I shaved you, I would grip the knife so tightly, because it was screaming at me. Slice his throat. Do it. Kill him.”

If only he had known. If only she had told him. If she had told him and she had been honest, he would have helped her. He would have never abandoned her. What did she think? Did she think that he was going to leave her? Did she think that he’d abandon her? I’ll never leave you, he had once told her. He thought he had made it clear.

Was that what Zeke gave her? Reassurance? A promise to never leave? Was that what she wanted? Because if that was all that she wanted, then he’d give it to her right now. If that was all, then he had misunderstood things. Maybe he didn’t have to play mind-games with her. Maybe it was unnecessary. Maybe he didn’t have to be obsessed and possessive, because maybe that wasn’t what she wanted, was it?

“Do you think I could sleep beside you knowing I could kill you any second? After what I did to Miche· I didn’t even know I had done it. I didn’t even know Miche was injured and missing. For days later, Miche was there for me. I could see him. I could talk to him. I only realised it when you told me, I didn’t even know I-”

He hugged her. Erwin tightened his arms around her and pulled her face to his chest. He held her until her sobs died down and the crying stopped. She should have told him. She should have trusted him. She should’ve been capable of trusting him by now.

Erwin needed to read Hange’s reports. He needed to read the folders and listen to the cassettes that they had retrieved from the asylum. It was everything they had on Nathalie. He needed to know what she had been dealing with.

“You should have told me.” Erwin tightened his arms around her and he buried his face in her hair.

“You would have left me.”

Erwin frowned deeply. His fist clenched in her hair, pulling on the roots, causing a sting through her scalp. “Stop thinking like that!” He growled, pulling back to look at her. He was furious now. “Why are you always so scared that I’ll leave you?! I told you I would never leave you! I told you so many times. Have I not proved it?!”

“You have!” Nathalie cupped his cheeks with both your hands. “You have. So many times, but I would never ask of you to put up with an insane woman for the rest of your life.”

“What I do with my life is my concern.”

“No! It’s my concern as well, because I love you and I want you to be happy, but I couldn’t make you happy in that state, Erwin!”

Silence fell between them after her outburst. How was it that she had managed to convince him that she had done nothing wrong? I love you and I want you to be happy. Sometimes leaving someone you love is the right thing. He knew that. He knew she was right to leave. She was dangerous back then. After what she’d done to Miche, it was all he needed to know that she was dangerous and uncontrollable. She loved him and she wanted him to be happy, but she could kill him any moment.

But did she really love him now? After four years? After going through this entire ordeal and having loved another man? For all he knew, she must have still loved that other man. How could she say she wanted him to be happy when she had left him? He had never been sadder. Those four years were an emotional hell for him too.

“You always talk about me leaving you… but at the end of the day… you’re the one who always leaves.” Erwin let go of her, withdrawing his arms from around her and tears shined inside her eyes, but he didn’t care. He was in a similar state. “You left me. You did it for all the right reasons, yes. But you loved another man. You loved the man who killed me. You replaced Eddie’s father with his murderer.”

Erwin made his way to the door. He wanted to get out of here. He wanted to leave. He didn’t want to look at her because the second he’d look at those shiny blue eyes he’d forget all about the reasons that he had been holding onto. A million reasons to be mad at her. He would forget about it all and it would be unfair for him. She had ruined him but all he’d do was beg for more. He wanted to play mind games. He wanted to ruin her just as much.

But why couldn’t he?

Why did he want to be so honest with her?

He could ruin her life just as easily. He could be the obsessed, possessive, borderline abusive husband that she so much wanted. He could punish her like this, because that’s what she wanted, wasn’t it? She wanted a man that was mad for her. He would give her that. He’d give it tenfold until she was begging him to stop. He would give her a taste of her own medicine and they could finally be even.

But why couldn’t he do it?

Why couldn’t he play the role of the abusive husband?

Because he wasn’t even remotely close to anything like that. He had been difficult. He had been a jerk. He had been a complete asshole to her so many times. But he couldn’t be that. He didn’t have any insecurities, but she was triggering a million of them. Maybe that side of him would come out to play when he’d capture Zeke – which he was planning to do some time soon. Then, he would test her loyalty.

Until then, making her cry out of guilt should be enough, because he too had cried. He too had been a mess for her four years now. He shouldn’t ignore the fact that she was right. He had done exactly that. She said she was scared he’d leave her if he found out that she was going insane.

But four years now, he had done exactly that. He told himself he was honouring her wish to never look for her, but no. He told himself, what was the point of bringing her back if she has lost her mind?

He had given up on her, and in return, she had given up for him. They had both given up on this relationship. Maybe he shouldn’t blame her, but he would. He’d keep blaming her because what she had done was unforgivable. He did not hate her for leaving. He did not hate her for moving on and finding happiness elsewhere. He hated her for loving Zeke of all people. The man who had killed hundreds of Scouts. The man who had killed him. Nathalie brought him back to life, yes. But why would she love that man?

Why would she fall for the enemy? Did she even love Erwin at all?

Nathalie wept and her hand reached for him. He kept his back turned on her though. His hand reached for the doorknob, to twist and walk out.

“Erwin, please, what can I do to make it up to you? Just tell me, I’ll do anything, please-”

“You said you want me to be happy.” Erwin cut her. He kept his back turned on her. “I’ve never been sadder, Nathalie.”

Notes:

Sneak on the Next Chap:

“Do you know what a woman like Nathalie wants?" Miche smirked. He was about to spill facts. "She wants a man who can outsmart and overwhelm her. She wants someone better than her. And you got that, dude." He patted Erwin's shoulder. "You’re smarter than her and maybe deep down she knows that. Now Zeke? That dude’s a fuckin' dumbass, he never stood a chance. She would have kicked him away when she’d grow tired of him.” Miche chuckled.

Chapter 106: Problem

Notes:

THANK U SM FOR THE AMAZING COMMENTS imma respond tomorrow rn is kinda 3 am for me ndfejwkq you will hate me for this new chap and you'll probably start screaming at me that eRwIn'S OUt oF cHaRaCTeR

after 400k+ words, i think i have earned the right to do whatever tf i want with his character, SO GUESS WHAT

I DON'T CARE

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

ps: pls don't abandon me

Keep it together.

Nathalie wiped her cheeks with her sleeves before she entered the Mess Hall. After Erwin stormed out, she cried. She crashed to the door and landed on the floor, and she buried her face in her hands and she wept against them. But that was nothing new to her. She couldn’t make it up to him. Whatever he’d ask her to do, it was never going to be enough. What she had done was unforgivable and she regretted it. She could not change the past, and she didn’t know what would happen if Erwin never forgave her. She didn’t know what she’d do if he hated her for the rest of their lives.

Keep it together.

Erwin was sitting by those wooden steps that led to the entrance of the Survey Corps Headquarters building. It was getting late in the night and there was a cold breeze. He was tired. He shivered and he closed his eyes, running his fingers through his hair, his aching forehead. He propped a hand on his knee and he looked at the almost empty street. The streetlights were bringing enough light.

There were people wrapping up their activities of the day, walking or riding their way back to their homes. His eyes fell on that family that walked down the street. It was a woman and a man. The woman was holding a little boy’s hand, who was old enough to walk, following his parents, while the man was holding a little girl in his arms, not quite old enough to walk on herself like the boy. The man was holding his wife’s hand while holding the little girl against his chest with the other.

For a moment, he saw himself in that man, and he saw Nathalie in that woman. They were both smiling and laughing and talking to their kids and to each other. He would have had Nathalie’s hand in his own. He would be holding his son like this man was holding his daughter. Nathalie would be clinging on his side, tangling both her arms around his own. Nathalie was always so beautiful when she smiled.

He hadn’t seen her smile for such a long time now. Probably the last time she smiled at him genuinely was during and after their wedding. He thought back to that day. What a beautiful day it had been. He had spent the entirety of it with her. He had loved her so much that day for so long. It was probably that day when they conceived Eddie. Erwin did not regret marrying her and having a son with her. He did not regret loving her and their babyboy. On the contrary, he wanted more.

He wanted their own home. He wanted more children. He wanted a big family. He wanted to smile and be happy just like the family in front of him right now. He wanted normality more than he had ever wanted it. He wanted it with her.

Alas, it wasn’t that simple.

He thought that when he’d bring Nathalie back, all he’d do was smile. But that wasn’t the case.

For a moment, he wondered how things could have been different. He wondered what would have happened if he and Nathalie had never chosen to join the military. If the two of them had just gotten married when she was of age and they had just taken a home, and he’d probably take his father’s place as a history teacher in some school. They would have had so many children by now. They would have been so happy. Maybe it would have been them walking down the street instead of that family.

But Paradis and the rest of the world would’ve been heading straight to hell.

He knew why he had done what he did. He knew that even if they were like the family that just passed by, he would have been terrified because he would have brought children into a world that was about to crumble. Then, he would curse himself. But now… at least, now he knew that he had tried his best and he would continue trying to give Eddie a world of peace and freedom.

But even now, he still wished for Nathalie to be… normal. Just… normal. He wished he could bring back the sweet girl he had fallen for. The girl with that fire in her eyes. The brilliant, innocent woman who found so much happiness in her science, her books. The woman who always smiled and always knew what was right and wrong. A woman who could guide him out of his morally grey plans and fucked up mentality. Someone he could rely onto.

That’s all he wanted. Someone to rely onto.

“Sir! You must be cold!”

The sound of heels clacking on the wooden floor reached his ears as someone rushed to him, throwing his green coat on top of his shoulders. Erwin looked up to see Eleanor. She was beautiful. She was around the age of twenty-five. When she became his secretary, she didn’t know much on how to help a Commander do his work. Actually, she didn’t know anything related to military. But she learned. She had tried so hard to learn. She mastered three languages in just four years. Now, she was fully qualified for this position. She was irreplaceable. She had learned everything about him. How he liked his ties fixed, or how he wanted his whiskey, his tea, his breakfast, his dinner.

“I- I saw you sitting outside so, I rushed to get your coat.”

Erwin chuckled and caught the coat, wrapping it a little tighter around him. “Thank you, Eleanor.”

“No problem, sir! I- If you don’t need anything else, I’ll be retiring for today-”

“Do you like me?”

Eleanor’s eyes widened at the question. She took a step back and her cheeks were instantly coated in deep red. She started stuttering like an idiot. She had grown a liking for him since the very first day she was assigned to work for him, and he knew that. It was obvious. He hated himself for sometimes looking forward to her fixing his ties or bringing him dinner in his office. He hated himself because she was too nice, and he had grown to appreciate it a bit too much while he knew he had a wife out there.

He was a fool. While he had been holding back, Nathalie had been fucking with his mortal enemy. Eleanor was by his side in every single meeting with every single world leader and ambassador that he had withheld while Nathalie was just building another life with his son and another man. Erwin felt bitter and terrible. He wanted to bang his head against some wall till his skull would crack wide open.

“I- I- I w- well, t- that’s a question that I…” she bit her lip harshly. “Y- You’re married, sir, I can’t really-”

“My marriage… is ruined.” Erwin stood up. He looked like a God and Eleanor’s cheeks grew an even darker shade of red. The breeze that passed by messed up his blonde hair. His green coat was thrown on his shoulders. His white shirt was wrinkled and messy. His blue eyes were gentle on her own. “I suppose it has been for a while now.” He noticed her cowering another step away from him, so he took a step forward. “So? Do you like me?”

Eleanor bit her lip and looked down. Her hands gripped at the leather folders that she permanently held within her hug. “Many girls like you, sir. I shamefully admit that I… I’m one of them.”

“What do you like about me?”

“W- Well, you’re… you’re smart, and… and handsome and strong, and authoritative. You are a leader, sir.” Eleanor finally gained a bit of confidence. “You’re a talented warrior, and you work so hard for this world. You work so hard for our future… and accept so little in return.”

He had no idea he needed to hear that. He needed it so much. All he did was try, and try, and try, and try. All he did was try and all he got was obstacles. All he did was work like a dog all day, from 6 am in the morning till 2 am in the night, and all he came back to was a wife who didn’t love him and a son who didn’t even know him.

It frustrated him beyond reasoning. Erwin caught Eleanor’s waist and he dragged her close, crushing his lips on top of her own. Eleanor’s eyes widened and she stiffened in his arms, but she gave in fast. Erwin took her hand away from the folders, letting them crash on the floor, and brought her hand on his face, on his shoulder, in his hair. Eleanor melted and fluttered her brown eyes closed and she threw her head back, letting him claim her mouth and wrap his arms around her.

This was so wrong. So very wrong.

But why the fuck did it feel so right? Erwin did not think of his actions. He just did what he wanted. He was so frustrated, it was beyond belief. The folders crashed on the floor, opening up to the breeze as it swept away a bunch of important papers that neither of them seemed to care about. Erwin caught her slightly longer hair and he pulled on her head. He wrapped his arms around her hips, pulling her up on his body, picking her up with ease.

“T- The papers, s- sir-” she pulled from the kiss.

“Leave them.” Erwin took her mouth in his own again and he kissed her hard, knocking her body against a nearby wall of the Survey Corps HQ. She tasted like berries and her sounds were high-pitched and adorable. Another cute little baby to fuck and corrupt.

Nathalie had done it. She had fucked another man.

So why shouldn’t he fuck another woman? Wasn’t that fair?

He pulled back from the kiss to look at her flushed face.

“Your quarters. Now.”

༻◊۞◊༺

“Where’s papa ‘win?” Eddie protested and Nathalie sighed.

She had fed him and given him a bath, and now she was putting him in his nightclothes, readying him to go to sleep. She had him on the bed, passing his arms in that full body little cloth that he wore in the nights.

“You know, daddy’s very busy, my darling.”

“But he said he’d be back tonight!”

It was 11:37 pm. Nathalie would have taken Eddie to bed a lot sooner, but he’d been playing all day with his new big brother, Eren, and Hange and Miche were competing all day on who was going to be the coolest Uncle or Aunty. Plus, Eddie had tried everything to drag it out and stay awake for a little more. He wanted to see his dad. He wanted to spend time with him.

But after their fight, Nathalie doubted Erwin would come back anytime soon. Or, if he’d come back at all. She didn’t know what would happen and she was scared to find out. So, for now, Nathalie just focused on her son. They played with his toys and now it was time for bed.

“Maybe he got delayed.” Nathalie forced a smile at him and Eddie frowned, clearly annoyed, looking away from her. She sighed and finished putting him in his nightclothes before she brought him to her lap. “Eddie, you know daddy Erwin is very busy, right? He’s got so many things to do.” Nathalie pressed a kiss on his cheek and Eddie giggled when he nuzzled his nose in her neck. She smiled brightly. She could have had the roughest day, but her baby always made her so happy.

“I just…” Eddie’s smile faded. “…I just miss him. I slept a whole lot, today! So that I can stay awake till late in the night with him!”

“Aw, I know, sweetheart.” Nathalie cupped his fluffy cheek and pulled back to look at him. “Tell you what? Let’s go to sleep, and when daddy comes back, I’ll wake you up. How about that?”

“ ‘kay!” Eddie’s little face brightened right away. “I want to show him all my new toys! And all the things you taught me today, mommy!”

Nathalie giggled. “Alright! I’m sure he’ll make time for you.” Nathalie pulled her baby in her hug, and she pressed a kiss on his temple. “Daddy loves you very much, sweetie.”

Eddie nodded in her neck. “I know. I love daddy too, that’s why I want to spend time with him.”

“You will, my darling.”

Eddie pulled back to look at her. “Does daddy love you too, mommy?”

Nathalie didn’t know if she could answer that question truthfully. She did not deserve Erwin’s love. She did not deserve his affection, but she had it. Or at least, she had had it. Now? She wasn’t so sure. He probably hated her, but she would never blame him.

“Of course, he does.” Nathalie forced a smile. “In fact, it is because of how much he loves me that we now have you.” She wanted to believe that that was still the case. She wanted to believe that there was a chance for their relationship. That he could love her again and she could madly fall for him again as well.

Eddie deserved that.

Eddie gave her a precious smile and he nodded.

“Let’s sleep, darling.”

༻◊۞◊༺

A knock came on the door and Miche groaned. He had been sleeping. Nanaba was laying beside him. She had her legs tangled around his own and her head was on his chest. Miche smiled at the banana-like dirty-blonde hair that tickled his chin and he almost forgot that he had someone knocking on the door. The knock came again and Miche frowned deeply. The light coming from outside was a bright blue. It must have been very early in the morning. There was no indication of sun quite yet. Miche turned and looked at the clock that was hanging by the opposite wall. It was 5 am.

Who the fuck is it at this hour?!

Another knock and Miche groaned. Nanaba almost stirred awake, but he placed her head on her pillow gently and he stood up, wrapping a robe around his naked body. Miche sighed and ran a hand through his hair as he made a beeline for the door. Like all other Section Commanders, he had a door that led to his office and was connecting his office with the bedroom that he’d been sharing with Nanaba for a while now.

Miche walked through his office and opened the door at last, revealing Erwin.

“Do you have any idea how early in the morning it is?!” Miche complained but there was something wrong.

There was the stench of sex and… Miche sniffed a few more times. It didn’t smell like Nathalie. It was lacking the crazy. Erwin’s hair was dishevelled, and his white shirt was wrinkled all over and poorly put back in place.

Miche could already tell what had happened.

Oh shit.

“We have a problem.” Erwin said and Miche frowned.

“No.” Miche pointed a finger at his friend. “You have a problem.” He pointed his thumb to his chest and smirked. “Nanaba and I have a very healthy relationship.”

Erwin sighed. “Can I come in?”

Miche clicked his tongue and shook his head in disapproval. He could tell what had happened, but it’d be amusing to see Erwin trying to come up with an excuse or even trying to explain it himself. He let him in his office and Miche made his way to the bedroom.

“Sit. I’ll get changed.”

It didn’t take long for Miche to come back, with a white shirt and brown pants. The sun had begun to come out and the light was getting brighter by the moment. Was Nathalie being worried? Was she looking for him? He guessed that after their fight, she probably didn’t expect him to come back at all.

Erwin was sitting by one of the chairs in front of Miche’s desk and he had his elbows pressed on his lap, burying his face in his hands. What have I done? He was no different than Nathalie, was he? He had slept with his secretary, and he had done it in the exact same building where his wife and child was. What was he thinking?

He had been so frustrated. He had never been so pissed in his entire life. He never thought he’d ever do something like this. He never thought he’d cheat on his own wife, his Nathalie, his sweet little girl. He never thought he’d become the kind of husband who sought comfort in the arms of someone else.

He had betrayed both his wife and child. How would he face them now? How could he go back to his quarters and hold his son, his wife? She had done the same to him. Maybe deep down he wanted to avenge her. Maybe deep down he wanted her to feel how he felt when she told him she had loved another man. Here he was now, he had loved another woman in return.

What kind of marriage was this?

What have I done?

“Alright, spill it.” Miche settled behind his desk, tidying up the mess of papers in front of him on the surface.

“You must have already figured it out.”

Miche smirked. “Yes, I have, I just wanted to hear you say it and watch you be miserable.” He teased only to receive a death glare from his friend. Miche’s smirk dropped, and he sighed. “You fucked with your…” sniff, sniff “…secretary?? I don’t blame you, she’s young and hot-”

“Miche!”

“Fine, fine, look.” Miche brought a hand beneath his chin to stroke the few facial hair he had there. “Nat fucked with the guy who almost killed us both, and you fucked with your hot secretary. Which one’s worse?”

Erwin sighed. “This is not the point. She thought I was dead when she did it.”

“Yes. She also knew that the man who killed you was the man she was fucking with.” Miche stated as a matter-of-factly.

“But I did in the very same building where my wife and child live!”

Miche pursed his lips for a moment, thinking. Their situation was fucked up. Actually, it was so fucked up, his talented nose could have never sniffed that kind of thing happening. He knew Nathalie would be a hard woman to deal with. He had known this from the very first day Erwin introduced her to him. And he knew, Erwin was also a hard man to put up with. He was his best friend, of course, he knew Erwin quite well.

“Well, she fucked you over, you fucked her over, so where’s the problem now?” Miche shrugged. “You guys are even.”

Erwin groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. Miche wasn’t helping right now but he was the only one he could face.

“Ooh boy, looks like something’s up.” Nanaba’s voice came from behind as she walked out of the bedroom, all dressed up in her uniform and ready for the day. She had some rookies to train in about half an hour. “I’ll get you both some tea.” She walked out of the quarters to make her way to the kitchen of the HQ.

“How am I going to face her now? What was I thinking?!”

“Look, buddy, you’re frustrated-”

“I’m more than frustrated, Miche. I’m driven out of my fucking mind!”

“I can see that-”

“What am I going to do with this woman?! She has driven me fucking crazy! I’d never do anything like that! I never imagined myself cheating on her. I would have never even thought of getting this far.”

“She has ruined you, buddy.” Miche sighed. He had many reasons to hate Nathalie, but he also had many reasons to like her. Except from that day when she almost slaughtered him and his squad on her own, other than that, his relationship with Nathalie had been well and friendly. She was a good friend – she cooked the most amazing meals and sweets, so, being friends with her was advantageous for his stomach – and now that he knew that she was going insane back then, he did forgive her for what she’d done, and the rest of his squad also did.

But that didn’t stop him from being cautious. She still had the scent of insanity no matter how Hange claimed that she had fixed her. There was no fixing this and Miche knew better than anyone what her true self was like.

And now, hearing about her being with Zeke of all people… it was making him question almost everything about her. Was she their friend? Was she their enemy? Was she just someone who just lived there and didn’t necessarily consider them friends? Miche had no idea. He was confused. Nothing this woman ever did lately made any sense. He had been rooting for Erwin and Nathalie because he had known the two of them loved each other since the very start – plus he had won a ten years’ worth bet against Nile.

“But that’s why you love her, because you’re letting her.” Miche made an assumption out loud, and Erwin finally looked at him. “Do you know what a woman like Nathalie wants? She wants a man who can outsmart and overwhelm her. She wants someone better than her. And you got that, dude. You’re smarter than her and maybe deep down she knows that. Now Zeke? That dude’s a dumbass, he never stood a chance. She would have kicked him away when she’d grow tired of him.” Miche chuckled.

Erwin had to agree. Nathalie always chose the hardest of choices. She liked the thrill of being challenged. Erwin was difficult to put up with, especially at the start of their relationship when all he did was push her away and all she did was crawl back to him. Why did she keep crawling back, back then? She did it because he was yet another challenge that she’d come out of it victorious one day.

Nathalie was persevering. She was persistent and patient and she was willing to go through hell if it meant she’d get what she wanted. Erwin was the same. She was smart. Erwin was smarter. She was determined to tame him and he was determined to push her away. Now he was determined to keep her beside him even though his actions were only going to push her away.

But he had been an absolute asshole and instead he chose to spend the night with his seductively beautiful secretary. But no man would ever be enough for Nathalie. Nathalie demanded a lot of things from her man. She had a million expectations. She was a Burgess. She was perfect by default, and she demanded that same perfection from her other half. No man would ever be able to deal with a woman like that. Erwin was the only one she’d ever want.

That was a fact. No matter with how many men she’d play with, Erwin would forever be the one she’d come crawling back to.

“How did it feel?” Miche snapped him out of his thoughts. “Fucking with that cute secretary of yours. How did it feel?”

Erwin had felt… nothing. Way before Nathalie, Erwin had slept with many women. It would either be the spoilt daughters of nobles, or other girls that would desperately try to get the Commander’s attention. Erwin had had many women and when he slept with them it was always just about the pleasure and nothing more. He’d be gone the second it was done. There was no cuddling or kisses that hid any meaning behind them. There was nothing worth it. Sex was just a need that he satiated with meaningless acquaintances.

And right now, with Eleanor, it had felt the exact same. Meaningless. A means to take out his frustration and avenge his wife. It was terrible, wasn’t it? And he was feeling terrible now but there was no going back to keep it from happening. It had happened and he had to be honest to Nathalie and he had to do everything in his power to fix their utterly broken relationship because there was no other woman to have walked this world that made him as desperate and as insane as Nathalie did.

Nathalie drove him to the sharpest edges of insanity and all he did was beg for more.

“It felt… empty.”

Miche nodded. “I bet that’s what she felt too when she slept with Zeke.”

“I miss him… I can’t, I’m so sorry, but I miss him…”

Was Erwin supposed to imagine her push him away? Was he supposed to believe that she actually pushed Zeke away and they never even fucked? That was absurd. Erwin didn’t matter all that much to her. She didn’t love him anymore and he knew that. It was written all over her.

“Do you love me?”

And it took her so long to respond to it when he asked her. And when she did, it sounded so fake it was driving him mad.

“Either way, whatever you do from now forth, don’t do it for her.” Miche said. “Do it for your son.”

Erwin’s eyes widened and his fists clenched. Miche was right. Eddie was all that mattered. Eddie deserved his father’s love and a healthy family to grow into. Everything he’d do from this day forth would be for Eddie’s sake.

“You’re right…” Erwin nodded “…you’re right.”

Was he going to tell Nathalie about what he had done tonight? He had to. He had to be honest with her. She had been honest with him. She had told him about her and Zeke right away since the moment he brought her back.

Erwin had to do the same. He had to be honest.

Erwin stood up and nodded at Miche before he made his way out of the office. He walked towards his own.

He had to be honest.

Notes:

but he won't be honest

MUAHAHAHHAHA

i mean it was time for erwin's turn to fuck up wasn't it AND U AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN' YET MUHAHAHAHADSNFKJEKW

Chapter 107: Regret

Notes:

have i finished writing a chap? nope.

will i post another chap?

yes

cuz i like to torture myself mkdfjhjrkelkl TYSM FOR THE AMAZING COMMENTS and the awesome support. I'm flying to the UK this week and then i got to deal with a million uni stuff so i won't be posting for a while that's why i post a lot these few days

PLS ENJOY

Erwin found her scrubbing clothes in the basin in his bathroom. Clothes had started to pile up and with another added member in their small family, she’d have to dedicate at least a day per week to laundry. That was a chore that the assistants used to take care of, and Eleanor had been taking care of ever since Nathalie had left. But there was no reason for her to do it anymore. Nathalie was Erwin’s wife. It was her job to make sure her husband was dressed in clean, white, perfectly ironed shirts and trousers.

Nathalie rubbed the sweat off her brow with the back of her hand. Her hair was kept back with a white cloth tied around her head. She always picked her hair back like this whenever she either cleaned or cooked. Having them falling on her face was irritating and it didn’t help her focus on the chores in the slightest.

Eddie was by the bed with a huge book of evolutionary biology sprawled in front of him and he was reading it quietly. Nathalie smiled as she glanced at him from the corner of her eye. The bathroom was connected to the bedroom and it was perfect as she had to both do the laundry and keep an eye on him.

“Mommy?”

“Hmm?”

“Are they called hominins because they look like humans?”

“Precisely, darling.”

Homeschooling Eddie was an important part of her day-to-day life. As a Burgess, he had to have complete knowledge of Biology, Chemistry, Physics and Mathematics by the age of twelve, and at the same time, he should already master fifteen languages. An adult Burgess speaks sixty-seven languages. Of course, all that knowledge was already implanted in the mind of a Burgess genetically so none of it was overwhelming. A Burgess was hardly ever intellectually overwhelmed.

“What are koalas classified as? Based on their reproductive method?” Nathalie started him on a little quiz as she rinsed another skirt, finally finishing with both hers and Eddie’s clothes and she’d start with Erwin’s clothes now.

“Uhmmm…” Eddie tapped his fingers on the pages of the book that seemed to be almost as large as his little body was. He was trying to resist peeking on the pages of the book and answer his mom’s question. “Marsupials!”

She laughed. “That’s correct! Why are Marsupials different from Placental and Monotreme mammals?”

“Their offspring is being born while still in the embryonic stage.”

“That’s right. What about monotremes?”

“They are the only order of mammals that actually lay eggs and that’s why they are called oviparous.”

“Correct. What does being viviparous means?”

“It means giving birth to living young.”

“And what does being ovoviviparous mean?”

“It means being a creature that has embryos that develop inside eggs which remain in the mother’s body until they are ready to hatch.”

Nathalie smiled at him brightly abandoning scalding just to look at him. “That’s right! My baby’s so very smart! Tell you what, I will bake you cookies today. How about it?”

A very excited “Yes, mommy!” burst from her babyboy.

“If you finish the chapter with the mammals today.”

Eddie frowned and a not so excited “Yes, mommy,” came out.

Nathalie giggled at his sudden change of mood. “They will be chocolate chip cookies.” She had no idea where she’d find chocolate, but she was persistent, and she knew she would eventually.

Eddie’s face brightened up right away. “Yay!”

Nathalie’s fingers and the muscles in her hands felt kind of cramped. She had cleaned the entire quarters today. She had tidied up Erwin’s office and then changed the sheets of the bed, and then mopped the floors. Nathalie had basically taken care of everything. Eddie had his breakfast and his fill of playing with toys and now he was studying.

When Erwin walked in, neither of them were in his office so he made his way to the bedroom finding Eddie there on their bed, being so very interested in that large book that laid in front of him. Nathalie was scrubbing one of his shirts in the basin. She was trying her best to whiten his shirts one by one, letting them soak overnight and now she was trying to remove the ink that he always got on his sleeves. It was nothing she hadn’t done a million times before for him. Erwin always got ink on his sleeves all those hours that he worked on top of his endless paperwork.

Eddie seemed to purposefully ignore him. Eddie was kind of mad at him because Erwin had missed for at least twenty-four hours, and he just wanted to spend some time with him, but he wasn’t there. Erwin knew he deserved to be ignored right now. Actually, he had no idea how he was standing there in the first place. The second he entered his quarters it all looked so incredibly tidied up. The piles of folders and paperwork were settled arithmetically according to date and the floor was squeaky with how clean it actually was. There was the smell of detergents lingering in the air and the windows were open allowing fresh air.

It looked like a home, even though, Eleanor was the one to do all these, four years now, but Nathalie’s touch on his quarters was entirely different.

It was perfect.

And now, watching her work so hard on his shirts, scrubbing and mangling and scalding them, and then heading over to do it all over again with the rest of his laundry… it all just made him feel even more terrible than he already was. He had to say it to her. He had to be honest, but how could he do that when all he saw was the product of her hard work and dedication to him.

“Nathalie…” Erwin finally mustered the courage and spoke out her name.

Nathalie finally snapped out of it, and she turned and looked at him. Her eyes widened momentarily, until it settled in, the fact that he had actually come back. She thought she would probably not see him for a while now, considering they had a fight and he was mad at her. Actually, it was because he was mad at her that she tried her best to please him by cleaning everything up to best of her ability. Still, it was nothing that she hadn’t done before.

He looked tired but the look on his face didn’t really show that he was still mad at her. Nathalie dried her hands on her white apron that she had tied around her waist. She had no idea how their relationship now was going to be, but Eddie was there, so she had to act normal.

“E- Erwin, where have you-” Nathalie cut herself from finishing the sentence. She was the one at fault here. She was the reason he had left in the first place. She didn’t have any room to demand any explanation from him. So, she pursed her lips and she shook her head. “No.” She told herself.

It looked like he probably needed a shower and she would probably wash those clothes he was wearing right this instant while she was at it. She looked at the basin in front of her that she had propped on the sink. He probably also needed to shave himself, unless he wanted her to do it for him.

“I- I’ll continue this later. The bathroom is all yours if you want to shower.”

“Nathalie, I-”

“You also need to shave, before starting the day, so… if you want me to do it for you, I don’t mind, j- just sit down somewhere, otherwise I won’t be able to reach you-”

She stopped speaking when she felt his arms around her from behind. His chest met her back and he leaned down on her shoulder, pressing a kiss on the back of her neck, the spot that was connecting her neck with her shoulder. It felt nice. It felt good and it was odd because she didn’t expect anything like that from him right now. She sighed and closed her eyes momentarily. What was he doing? Wasn’t he mad at her? He shouldn’t be hugging her right now. He shouldn’t even be there.

But Nathalie allowed herself to melt right into it because he was warm and his lips on her neck were featherlike. He reached her ear and spoke against it.

“I’m sorry.” He said, and her eyes snapped wide open because she had no idea why he had said that.

What did he mean? She was the one who should apologise. Did he feel bad for their fight last night? He had been harsh, but she knew she deserved it, so she didn’t expect him to apologise about it. His arms tightened around her, and he buried his nose in her neck from behind her.

“I’m so sorry…”

“It’s alright, my darling.” Nathalie turned to look at him and she cupped his slightly rough cheeks. “It’s all my fault. I’m the one who should apologise.”

“Nathalie-”

“I’m sorry for what I did. I’m sorry I didn’t talk to Eddie too much about you.” Nathalie looked down apologetically. “I’ve given it a lot of thought. I was on the wrong. Eddie was asking for you for so long and I didn’t want to talk about you because I’d cry and break down and I had promised him to never, ever let him watch me cry.”

No, Erwin understood that. He didn’t want her to explain herself right now. She didn’t have to. He was the one who should explain himself. He was the one who had done something terrible.

“But when I found out that my life was… in danger, I couldn’t let anything happen to me without telling him about you, so, I told him. That was in the third year of my stay. Then… the experiments started… b- but, I guess, I deserved it-”

“Nathalie, don’t say that-”

“Letting our son consider a father the man who tried to kill you…” Nathalie said it quietly, making sure that Eddie wasn’t listening first. She peeked at him, still sitting on their bed, trying to pronounce certain terms out loud. She’d be lucky if he hadn’t heard her. “I will accept your resentment and hatred and whatever punishment you have in store for me, but please, love our son.” She grasped the collar of his shirt, and she looked up at him. “Love him. Prioritise him. Spend time with him. Treat him as a father should.” She knew Erwin was busy and he didn’t have enough time for anything but “please, he’s done nothing wrong. I’m doing everything I can, but my attention alone is not enough. It never was. He needs his father. Regardless of what I’ve done, punish me alone. Eddie does not deserve your wrath. I beg of you-”

Erwin was speechless. He didn’t want to hear any more of it. She said she would accept whatever punishment. The very fact that she expected a punishment from him was wrong. Or at least, that’s what he told himself to feel better. He had punished her already. He had slept with another woman. How horrible? What kind of husband was he? What kind of father was he? He should be on his knees right now, and maybe he would’ve been if it weren’t for Eddie being there to see him.

His parents were a mess. They were a total mess. All Erwin and Nathalie did was try to rip their marriage to shreds. She had frustrated him so much, he went off and did something terrible that only served to make things worse.

Erwin kissed her to shut her up. The more she said those things, the harder she was making it for him, the shittier he felt for what he’d done. It was as if she knew what he had done, and this was just her manipulative words to make him feel terrible about himself. But how dare he think like that? At the end of the day, it was him the manipulative bastard in the room.

So, he kissed her hard, and he wrapped his one arm tightly around her, cupping her cheek and grabbing a hold of her neck with the other. She kissed him. So needy, she clutched on his shirt and arched her head back for him to kiss her deeper. Just a few hours ago he was kissing another woman with those same lips, but Nathalie didn’t know that, and he didn’t have the courage to tell her. She would probably cry, but she would forgive him because she’d say she deserved it. Because it would be the punishment that she was expecting.

God, what was he going to do? What was he going to say?

He would figure that out once he’d stop kissing her, and right now, he didn’t plan to stop. His kiss was desperate. He was holding onto her so tight, as if she was going to disappear from his grasp.

“You always talk about me leaving you… but at the end of the day… you’re the one who always leaves.”

He was right. Maybe he feared it would somehow happen again. She didn’t know why he had apologised and why he was holding her so tight. She didn’t know that he was guilt-tripping himself mentally, even while kissing her. But he was prolonging this. He was prolonging it too much, hopefully hiding the sight of them kissing from their son with his much larger frame that completely hid her own.

He'd never kissed her so much. No kiss had lasted this long. Nathalie tried to pull back to breathe, but he caught her hair and kept her in place. It was getting too much. He was suffocating her. She stopped kissing him and she pressed her hands on his chest to pull him away.

“Erwin, please, I can’t-”

“Do not beg me to do that which is expected of me.”

She was breathing hard, but soon replaced the missing oxygen in her lungs. He cupped her face with a large, warm palm of his and she leaned on it like a touch-starved kitten.

“Eddie needs his father, and you need your husband.” Erwin pressed a kiss on her forehead. “I won’t fail you this time.”

This time? What does he mean? She had no idea. She didn’t even get the chance to ask. A knock came on the door and Erwin let them in. It was Eleanor, his assistant.

“Uh, sir, you should start getting ready for the meeting at ten-”

“Cancel it.” Erwin walked out of the bathroom, followed by Nathalie from behind and Eleanor’s eyes widened.

“S- Sir…?”

“Cancel them all. Clean the schedule for today.” Erwin walked to their shared closet, and he pulled out a set of clean clothes. “I’ll spend today with my wife and son.”

“What?!” Eddie cried out from behind. He did not expect this and neither did Nathalie. Her eyes widened.

“Sir, a- are you sure this a good idea? You have a phone call scheduled with the President of the United Western Republic, maybe you should-”

“I said,” Erwin turned and gave her a cold look and punctuated every single word. “Cancel. Them. All.” Armin could handle that in his place just fine.

“Y- Yes, sir.”

“You’re dismissed.”

Eleanor walked out and Nathalie rushed to Erwin’s side, grasping his hand to stop him from doing anything else.

“If you don’t have time, it’s okay, just be back tonight and Eddie will be there to spend time with you.” She didn’t want to mess up his job. She knew what he was doing was important and difficult. Erwin needed support, he didn’t need a demanding wife and child.

“No.” Erwin shook his head and he walked towards the bed where Eddie was staring at him confusedly. “Since the day I brought you here, I’ve only spent a few hours with you. Forgive me.” Erwin pulled Eddie in his arms, and he pressed a kiss on his little forehead. “I promise to do better.”

Eddie gave him the most precious smile. “It’s alright, daddy! So long as you buy me many sweets and ice cream, then we’ll be even.”

Erwin laughed. “Deal.”

༻◊۞◊༺

They spent all day outside. Erwin wanted to show the renewed Trost to Nathalie. They had paved the roads and there were parks and fountains and cars and other vehicles passing by the streets. There were so many shops and so many things being sold. Things that initially could only be found in the Capital, were now available in all the districts. Erwin said they had cleared out the entire island off titans.

Erwin had managed to win the favour of all those countries and world leaders by clearing out their continents off titans and selling them Iceburst Stone and the vaccine. The countries that joined Paradis’s side had the privilege of getting their lands cleaned off of the titans that had gotten out of Marley’s control. That’s how Erwin had managed to win their favour and convinced them that the vaccine actually worked. There had been hundreds of negotiations over the years and right now Erwin was trying to add to the union between Paradis and the other twenty-five countries.

Marley had ruined many lives and had attacked many countries, using their Warriors to destroy them. There were many countries who hated Marley and Erwin was chasing after them.

Nathalie knew her husband was brilliant. He was smarter than her, she knew that well. She knew that if it weren’t for Erwin, Marley would have already attacked and ruined their home. But now, Paradis was developing their own weapons, from guns to bombs and even rockets – Nathalie made a note to herself to approach their engineers and tell them exactly how to make rockets. There were rocket scientists in the Burgesses in the past and all she had to do was access their knowledge and hand it over straight to their engineers.

She needed her home to be safe. Besides, that island was her son’s home as well.

Erwin had been holding Eddie the entire time and he had refused to let Nathalie hold him when she offered in case his arm had grown sore. It hadn’t though. Eddie was light, and Erwin tried his best to answer all his questions as he pointed his little fingers curiously all around.

Erwin looked perfect like this. He had taken a shower and shaved before they left the HQ. He hadn’t put on the green Survey Corps coat because he didn’t want people to recognise him. Most of the newspapers being sold outside had Erwin’s face on them. He was all everybody talked about.

“At this point, we should probably dethrone the Queen and put Commander Smith in her place.”

“There’s no one more capable than the Commander.”

“Everything reasonable happening right now is this man’s doing.”

“He’s the reason Marley hasn’t attacked yet!”

“He’s the greatest military figure in our history!”

Nathalie had heard more than a few people talking about it. She felt so proud. From being publicly called a murderer, to being accepted by the people as their leader. Erwin had come such a long way, and he had done it all on his own. For a moment, she wondered whether that success in his career was because she wasn’t there to slow him down for the past four years. Maybe that was also a factor. Maybe she was slowing him down.

But people looked up to him and her heart fluttered because she was so happy for him. All his hard work was finally being paid off and maybe that’s why he had been working so hard because he was finally being motivated to do so.

And with that smile that he had on his face, and the sweet way he was talking to their babyboy, with that brightness in his blue eyes and his laugh that echoed to her ears… Nathalie wondered if she’d ever fallen out of love with this man. She knew now that she never really did. He was all she thought about for as long as she had been missing. She wrapped her arm around his own and she leaned her head on it. Her sweet man was strong. He was a leader.

She loved him.

Erwin looked down at her as she leaned on him. She had a smile on her lips. A genuine, soft smile, and both her arms were holding one of his own tightly, clinging to his side. Her eyes met his own and she stared at him behind her glasses while Eddie licked a cone of chocolate ice cream.

She had imagined walking around those streets with her husband and child before. She had imagined it so many times, and it was always Erwin the one beside her. It was always him.

“I love you.” Nathalie lifted herself up on her tiptoes to plant a kiss on his cheek momentarily while they walked. Erwin smiled down at her and he wrapped his arm around her bringing her closer to his side.

“I love you too.”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

“Poor Commander… so convinced that you no longer love him.” Eleanor stood up and approached Nathalie with a sickening smile on her lips. “Actually, he was so frustrated over you that he came to me, two nights ago, so very late in the night, and you know what we did?”

Nathalie shut her eyes and gripped the letters to her chest. She knew. She could tell. She was anything but stupid.

"Hmm? It started by him, kissing me.” Eleanor circled Nathalie with a smirk that only grew when Nathalie’s eyes shined with tears. “He kissed me, and he picked me up and he took me to my quarters, and…” she chuckled “boy oh boy, isn’t he an animal in bed.”

Chapter 108: Indifference

Notes:

here ya goooooo sorry yall, uni is kicking my ass once again but pls comment and enjoy my pitiful attempt in making sweet nat a lil badass cuz all that goodness is getting boring

“So… you guys… are… okay now???” Hange arched an eyebrow.

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?” Nanaba wasn’t buying it. Especially after what happened yesterday morning when Erwin had showed up to Miche to talk about the mistake he’d done of sleeping with his secretary.

“Yup.”

Nanaba, Hange and Moblit stared at Nathalie for a moment. They had gathered for breakfast and Erwin and Miche had left early for the capital. Nathalie was trying to force herself to eat. At least, it wasn’t porridge this time, it was a slice of bread and an apple. Moblit was munching on his own apple, and he shared a look with Nanaba and Hange. They weren’t believing her, and it was painfully obvious.

“Will you idiots stop gossiping for a second?” A bored, indifferent, mildly frustrated voice came from behind and they all looked up to see Levi with a cup of tea in hand, glaring at all four of them.

“H- Hey! Levi!” Hange patted the spot of the wooden bench between her and Nathalie. “Come over here. Tell us how you and Petra have been doing lately.”

That was just another pitiful effort for more gossiping so of course, Levi wasn’t going to give into it, but frustrating them was going to be amusing. So, Levi settled beside Nathalie, placing his cup of tea on the table and taking a sip, holding it from the rim like he always did, and a look of total indifference was splattered all over his face just like always.

Nathalie remembered the last time she had been that close to Levi. Erwin had seen her, and they had a massive fight. She knew that Erwin wasn’t there right now, and it’d be long before he’d come back, but still, she shifted a little bit away from Levi to at least keep a respectable space between them. She didn’t want Erwin jumping in out of nowhere and getting mad at her. She couldn’t risk anything to ruin their relationship right now. Especially now that their relationship was finally starting to get to the way it was.

She didn’t want to anger her husband.

Nathalie stuffed a slice of apple in her mouth forcefully. It was nice and sweet, but her stomach still churned. She looked over at the table of the 104^th. Eren was holding Eddie and Mikasa’s smile was so huge and bright, Nathalie had missed it. She was happy that her babies were happy. Armin was missing of course. He was with Miche and Erwin in the capital right now. She was so proud of Armin. That boy had always been smart. He had always had potential.

“C’mon! Tell us! How’s parenthood treating you? How’s Furlan?” Hange asked Levi and Levi tried his best to hide smile behind his cup.

“Both Furlan and Petra are fine.” Levi said curtly. No more. No less.

“Ugh, you’re so difficult.” Hange groaned.

“Hange! Levi’s personal life is none of your concerns!” Moblit scolded her.

“Speaks the biggest gossip queen of them all.” Hange arched an eyebrow.

“GOSSIP QUEEN-!?”

Nathalie stopped both Moblit and Hange from starting another of their fights. “Hange! How about you show me the new lab?”

“You want to be in a lab?” Nanaba asked confusedly. “Wouldn’t that trigger another panic attack?”

Honestly, Nathalie had no idea. Seeing lancets and syringes and needles again it probably would, but she couldn’t sit down and do nothing all day. She had no duties as the Section Commander she once was. The only duty she had was being a mother and wife. But she also had to investigate the Titanamite and figure out a way to dissolve it. They had enough samples of Annie’s.

“I guess, so long as I’m not tied down…” Nathalie looked at the dark bruises around her wrists. Those bruises would stay there forever. She remembered the times when she had to tie down herself. It was the times when she’d lose control of her condition. She touched the dark skin and she covered it beneath her sleeve pulling it down slightly.

Levi was looking at her from the corner of his eye and he felt an unspeakable urge to… touch her. Hug her? Lace their fingers together. He had read the reports. What they had done to her was unspeakable. He wanted to be there for her and at the same time he had to halt those thoughts, because they were disastrous. He remembered all those times he told Erwin to find her. For so many nights, he’d knock on Erwin’s door and ask for permission.

I’ll go find her myself. Just say the word. No need to deploy anyone else.

That’s what he had said and each time, Erwin shook his head no reminding him that they had more important things to worry about, and that Levi’s skill was needed elsewhere. If she was his, Levi would’ve gone out to find her himself the second she’d be gone. But she wasn’t.

Nathalie forced a smile. “I’ll be okay!”

She stood up, abandoning that apple in half and a slice of bread that she hadn’t even touched, and she walked towards the 104^th, to talk to them and take Eddie back. They had things to do. She didn’t want to disrupt their schedule by leaving Eddie to them. Besides, she needed another Burgess if she was to figure out how to take Annie out of there. Hange sighed and looked at her, before taking that slice of bread that she had left and starting to eat it.

“She doesn’t eat.” Hange frowned.

“Considering the things they did to her, I wouldn’t blame her.” Nanaba took a sip from her tea.

“Nathalie has always suffered from anorexia,” Moblit said. “It’s gotten worse now.”

Levi watched her smile and laugh and talk to Eddie and the kids of his squad. His fingers tightened around his cup impossibly. A little more and he would have shattered it in his grip. He was furious. Erwin should have listened to him. Erwin should have saved her sooner. Now the damage had been done and there was no going back.

Just when he felt the cup begin to crack, he loosened his grip around it entirely. The other three had already engaged in a conversation about political matters so thankfully they didn’t notice.

༻◊۞◊༺

The new lab was heaven. There were advanced microscopes and all kinds of machines that she never thought she’d see on Paradis. Nathalie got to work right away, and Eddie was way too excited to dissect some random insects he found outside today.

“So, Nat, tell me…” Hange caught Nathalie’s attention and she pulled her eyes from the microscope “…what about the Burgess Disease? Did you figure that out while you were away?”

Oh! Hange meant all those nights that Nathalie would cough and spit out blood and tissue and she’d pass out. Before she went to Marley, she had around four years of life left. But when they took her in the asylum, they gave her pills. They said they were to treat the Burgess Disease and those pills were made by the Burgesses themselves. So, she was alright now. She had gotten rid of that disease, and she could recall memories and knowledge from the Burgesses of the past without harming herself.

It was strange how Erwin hadn’t asked her about it. Maybe he had forgotten. But it was alright. She was okay now. She had gotten rid off that disease and the psychological condition. Now she just had to deal with trauma, but other than that, she had never been healthier.

Nathalie explained it all to Hange and she discussed Annie’s matter with her and Moblit and their team. It took them an entire day. What could possibly break the hardening? Sulphuric Acid would most definitely dissolve it, but it would be disastrous if any of it was poured onto Annie. Nathalie didn’t want to kill the girl and she was certain Erwin didn’t either.

Frequencies could also be dangerous if they got too high.

Ah, what a head-scratcher. Nathalie frowned and crossed her arms against her chest, and she stared at the periodic table in front of her. The others had left by now and Eddie had fallen asleep on the counter. Nathalie made herself a mental note to wake him up, feed him and get him to bed. It was night now and Nathalie was still in the lab, trying to figure it out. She thought hard, but she couldn’t deny that it felt… oddly good to be in a lab.

Even though, she was a lab rat for so long, now that she was in the lab, she didn’t feel scared. It felt good. Too good actually. She could research whatever she wanted. The challenge of trying to figure something out… it felt like it was her sole purpose in life.

And it felt good. The lab felt like home.

“Mommy?”

She snapped out of it, and Nathalie stood up to approach Eddie. She pulled him off the counter and into her embrace. He pressed his cheek on her shoulder, resting his little head there and closing his eyes. He was so cute when sleepy. She pressed a kiss on his cheek and she finally decided to stop for today.

“C’mon, darling. Are you hungry? Or do you want to go to bed right away?”

“Bed.”

She chuckled. “Alright.”

She took him and prepared him for bed. Erwin hadn’t yet come back, and it was alright. She knew he was busy even in the late hours of the night. Nathalie prepared Eddie for bed and once she tucked him in, she realised something was missing. She had left her notebook in the lab. She had to get back and retrieve it. She had started new research on cancer at the same time. She didn’t have enough data here on Paradis, but at first, she just needed to grasp the fundamentals. She was aware that the Burgesses hadn’t yet figured out how to treat cancer and since the Burgesses were no longer… sane, she thought she’d do it herself.

Plus, a cure for the Burgesses was what happened to her. They had to tear out the monster from their heads and then inject them with that all-wound-healing serum that Nathalie made four years ago. But right now, they had more urgent matters than fixing the Burgesses. She’d save her family a little later but for now, it would just be another burden that she’d add on Erwin’s shoulders and that was the last thing she wanted to do.

“I left my notebook back in the lab. I’ll go get it. I’ll be right back. Is that okay, sweetie?” Nathalie cupped Eddie’s cheek and she leaned down at him.

Eddie nodded. “Don’t take long.”

She pressed a kiss on his little forehead, and she smiled at him brightly. “I won’t.” She promised, before she stood up and walked out of the room and eventually out of the quarters.

She made her way to the lab, and she walked in, but it wasn’t empty. She didn’t expect anyone to be there right now, but there was someone. The lights were on. Was it Hange? Nathalie wouldn’t be surprised. Hange never really slept. The veterans had the bad habit of never sleeping. She had the same issue though.

But it wasn’t Hange. It was… Erwin’s assistant? Eleanor? And why was she sitting on the bench Nathalie had been sitting on before, reading Nathalie’s notebook. She didn’t seem to have noticed Nathalie’s presence. Or rather, she had, but she was just ignoring her.

Nathalie pulled out a kind smile. Maybe she hadn’t even heard her coming in.

“Eleanor, was it? It’s nice to finally, properly meet you, darling.” Nathalie approached her with a kind smile on her lips but Eleanor didn’t take her attention away from the contents of her notebook.

“Cancer? Smart.” Eleanor turned to another page and Nathalie arched an eyebrow. Her smile tried to fade, but Nathalie kept it back up.

“Oh! Yes, it’s my new research subject. It’s quite the massive issue in the world of medicine, considering-”

“Do you know what these are?” Eleanor cut her rudely and she pulled a stack of letters from one of her folders that were laid on the counter beside her.

She placed those letters on the counter. Nathalie took a step closer to take a good look at them. They seemed… familiar. Eleanor lit up a Bunsen burner that stood on the counter. It was a standard tool that was needed in a lab. Normally, a Bunsen burner uses gas to produce blue and yellow fire depending on its setting. Here, on Paradis, they used gas from Iceburst stone which worked just fine.

Eleanor started burning those letters one by one, letting them burn out on a fireproof surface nearby. Nathalie’s eyes widened when she realised those were the letters that she had sent during her time in Marley. Back then, she thought those letters would never reach Paradis because Marley was blocking all kinds of communication between the two continents. But those letters were here. It meant that they had reached Paradis, but Erwin didn’t seem to know about their existence.

“Even if I was dead… couldn’t you send a letter? Didn’t you care to check if Hange or Moblit or Levi were alive?”

Of course, she cared! Of course, she had tried to reach out! And maybe she had succeeded but it wasn’t Marley blocking those letters. It was Erwin’s assistant.

Nathalie rushed to her, grasping the remaining letters from her hand. There were around six and Eleanor had already burned three of them. Nathalie hadn’t sent too many letters since after a while she realised no one was ever going to respond and the letters weren’t really reaching their destination. But she held the final three in her hands tightly. They were the only evidence she had that she had at least tried to reach out to her friends on Paradis otherwise, Erwin wouldn’t believe her.

And maybe that’s what Eleanor was trying to do. She probably wanted Erwin to herself.

Eleanor laughed amusingly as she picked the ashes of the three previous letters that had slowly stopped burning up with a lancet she found nearby. She turned off the Bunsen burner and she propped her head on top of her hand.

“Poor Commander… so convinced that you no longer love him.” Eleanor stood up and approached Nathalie with a sickening smile on her lips. “Actually, he was so frustrated over you that he came to me, two nights ago, so very late in the night, and you know what we did?”

Eleanor was behind her now. Placing her arms on Nathalie’s shoulders, leaning down to Nathalie’s ridiculous height to whisper to her ear. Nathalie shut her eyes and gripped the letters to her chest. She knew. She could tell. She was anything but stupid. Nathalie bit her lip harshly enough to draw blood. She remembered how hard it was, writing those letters. She always accidentally asked about Erwin.

How is he?

I miss him.

How’s my husband?

He’s all I think about.

Tell him I’m pregnant to a beautiful boy. I will name him after his father.

Tell him he should find me, but he should only come and take the child. Leave me here. It’s alright. I’ll be okay. Just take Eddie out of here.

Please come fast.

Our son’s life is in danger.

The last two statements… she had written them so many times in her latest letter. The last one she’d ever had the chance to send. But then she’d remind herself that Erwin was dead, and she’d crush the paper in her fists, or tear it to pieces, and she would cry.

And now, she was going to hear that Erwin had slept with another woman.

“Do you know what we did? Hmm? It started by him, kissing me.” Eleanor circled Nathalie with a smirk that only grew when Nathalie’s eyes shined with tears. “He kissed me, and he picked me up and he took me to my quarters, and…” she chuckled “boy oh boy, isn’t he an animal in bed.”

A tear threatened to run down Nathalie’s cheek, but her fists clenched, and she threw a deadly look on the young girl, holding back. She wasn’t going to cry. Not in front of her at least. She was preparing quite a few comebacks to ruin that woman and her unexplainable confidence, until she realised… Erwin was right.

Eleanor was just… better. Eleanor was beautiful and taller, and her body looked strong. She had all the right curves, and she had the face of an angel. She had the same haircut as Nathalie. Short, brown hair and big brown eyes. Thick lips, full cheeks. Eleanor didn’t look like a walking corpse. She at least seemed capable of finishing an entire meal. Eleanor didn’t have any issues. She was confident, and strong and clever. Erwin fucked her because she was everything that Nathalie wasn’t. Eleanor was probably a lot more talented in bed than Nathalie was. She probably had more experience, and she knew a million clever tricks that would satisfy an experienced man like Erwin. She was prettier. Eleanor was simply better.

Why should she blame him for finding something better for himself?

Eleanor had been there for him.

Nathalie had slept with another man, or at least, tried to. She had tried to move on, why should she blame Erwin for doing the same? Nathalie could not make Erwin happy, and she had known it from the very start. If Erwin found happiness in Eleanor, then she would let them be. Erwin’s happiness mattered more than her own anyway. It had always been like this.

Nathalie pulled it together though. She swallowed the tears that she never let them drop. She pulled a kind smile on her lips, confusing Eleanor entirely. How could she smile even now? Honestly, Erwin cheating on her wouldn’t be the worst thing that has ever happened to her. Being tied down and experimented on definitely beat relationship problems. This was just a mere nuisance to her. Nathalie would keep taking care of her and Erwin’s son because he was precious, and she loved him. She would keep cleaning up Erwin’s quarters and doing his laundry because Erwin was precious to her as well.

But she did not blame him for searching for something better. She was the one who had cheated on him first. It was only a matter of time for this to happen. She had no room to show any jealousy.

So many women out there were better than her. She had always known that and that’s why initially, she had convinced herself she would never marry. She would drown in her work because science was the only thing she knew how to do best. She never knew how to deal with her relationships and interactions with other people. Nathalie may have been one of the smartest people in the world, but she had no idea how to deal with that.

Sure, she could convince someone – anyone to change their entire point of view on something, but she could not handle a relationship with someone, whether that was friendship or romantic. She had been a terrible friend too. She was certain Hange wanted to spend more time with her best friend, but Nathalie was too busy dealing with trauma and all this family drama. Science made her happy and it filled all the missing parts in her life.

And that’s why, in her head, initially, the life she wanted with Erwin was just a distant dream that she would never touch.

And maybe, if she had followed her initial plans of becoming a great scientist, a great doctor, and if she had never followed Erwin, then maybe, she would have been happy now.

Romance and love stories were never meant to be a part of a Burgess’s life. The Burgesses arranged marriages for their children with spouses of their own choosing and feelings were never involved, otherwise, they wouldn’t dedicate their lives on their research and instead they’d dedicate them on their loved ones.

Bullshit. Nathalie didn’t know whether she had been wrong all along. She wished she was raised by the Burgesses. She wished they had chosen a husband for her, a man she wouldn’t care about one bit. Just a partner in life that she’d barely know, but that would’ve been okay, because even if that other man had fucked with some other woman, it wouldn’t have hurt so much.

But Nathalie smiled. She smiled even though she was in pain and all she wanted to do was cry and weep. She smiled because she was insane.

Hange hadn’t fixed her after all because there was nothing to fix. She was just born broken. Just like her mother, just like her Uncle, just like her entire family right now.

Nathalie laughed. She had no idea why she was laughing, but it was funny. It was so funny to think about how terrible everything was. She had fucked with her husband’s murderer, and now her husband had fucked another woman in the same building his wife and child lived in.

Fantastic, is it not?

Nathalie threw her head back and she laughed. How funny. How hilarious. How ridiculous and naïve of her to believe that she and Erwin were cut out for each other. How stupid of her to believe she was having romance. How ridiculous is that?

And Eleanor was absolutely creeped out. That woman had just been told that her husband cheated on her, and she was laughing? What kind of twisted behaviour was this?

“It’s quite alright.” Nathalie pulled out a chair and she sat down, crossing her legs and resting her arms on top of her knee. She eased down on her laughter and she pulled a kind smile. “I bet you are quite the animal in bed yourself, since you obviously managed to please my husband.” Nathalie smirked. “Had a lot of practice, hadn’t you? You’ve probably fucked the entire Survey Corps by now. That’s quite the feat, considering you’ve only been here for three years and you’re only twenty-five years old.” Nathalie frowned mockingly. “Don’t be like me. Thirty-four years old and I’ve only fucked two men in my entire life.”

“What about Zeke Yeager? Are the rumours not true?”

“We did sleep together one night, yes, but we never got to the end of it, because I’m not like you,” Nathalie frowned in mock “I’m absolutely incompetent when it comes to sex.” Nathalie said sarcastically and she stood up and approached the girl who had started to look uncomfortable by now, much to Nathalie’s delight. Nathalie wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “You see, darling, I am a Burgess” which makes me absolutely better than you “and if you really wish to get even remotely close to hurting a Burgess, you’re gonna have to up your intellectual skills, which in your case, I can tell it’s already impossible.”

Oh God, who knew killing people with words could feel so good.

Nathalie patted her back. “But that’s alright, darling. You tried. You really did. Your feeble mind can only endure that much, but a word of advice…” Nathalie turned and looked at her “…next time you try to hurt a Burgess, keep in mind, that relationships and useless emotional attachments to their loved one, should never be your target. Want to know why?” Nathalie leaned close enough to intimidate the girl. “Because there aren’t any loved ones in a Burgess’s life.” Nathalie turned to leave with a satisfied smile on her lips, taking her notebook on her way out. “My research is far more important than my husband. So, you do whatever the fuck you want with him.” Nathalie gave her a last look, opening the door to walk out. “I simply don’t care.”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

“You slept with Eleanor.”

Oh no. That was the end of their relationship, wasn’t it? Was it just going to be a loveless marriage from now on? Something forced, just for the sake of their child?

Chapter 109: Lust 🟥

Notes:

enjoyyyy sorry i disappeared kdjfgyhui

Did she really mean that? Nathalie had no idea honestly, but there was no way she’d let a twenty-five-year-old threaten her pride especially now that Nathalie had finally managed to get it back up. Sure, her confidence was low on various things, but when it came to intellect, there was nothing else she did best. So, Nathalie smirked as she walked out of the lab and made her way back to Erwin’s quarters. What was Eleanor trying to do by telling her this?

Did Eleanor expect Nathalie to cry? Did she expect her to become a mess? Nathalie was already a mess and sometimes crying and laughing meant the same thing to her. But what was the point of crying? Was she supposed to cry over something that she had been expecting to happen her entire life?

Ever since Erwin kissed her for the first time, Nathalie had known that one day he’d turn over to another woman and push her aside. She had known it would happen all along so there was nothing to be surprised about. She wasn’t disappointed either. Nathalie had learned to expect the worst for the sake of never being disappointed. She knew Erwin. She knew him better than anyone. When Erwin would be finished using Eleanor, he’d turn over to someone else. That was simply who her husband was, and Nathalie knew him. Eleanor didn’t know him that well. It certainly was impressive to get the Commander’s attention the way she did, but from Nathalie’s point of view, Eleanor was just another plaything.  

Nathalie couldn’t believe that she actually allowed herself to fall for that man. She wasn’t mad at him. She was mad at herself. To be fair, she had pushed him in Eleanor’s arms with her own insanity. Nathalie had loved the enemy. Was this Erwin’s way of punishing her?

Probably.

Ah, I don’t know. Her head was starting to hurt. Maybe she would ignore the entire ordeal. She was still dealing with her trauma and tonight she would probably not be able to sleep again.

Once upon a time, she told herself Erwin was the perfect man. Erwin was her knight in shining armour. Her big, strong man who would protect her and love her. And once upon a time, Erwin probably thought her to be his precious little girl, kind and sweet and caring, and there for him, absolutely loyal and faithful. The epitome of perfection and with the highest potential to be the most loving, faithful housewife.

But they were both neither of those things, and now that it had come to this, there was no reason for her to be mad at him. That was probably what she deserved from him. She should dive back in the old Burgess ways.

My research is more important than my husband right now.

That was it. Her research never hurt her. She should value it more.

A Burgess never embraces their feelings. A Burgess needs to focus on their research. That’s what she should do. What’s what she should have been doing from the start. 

Nathalie walked in the quarters, only to find Erwin there, taking off his green coat and hanging it by the coat-stand. It was remarkable how he had fucked with another woman two nights ago and he hadn’t said a thing. What a talented hypocrite, pretending he loved both her and their son as if he’d never slept with another woman beneath the very same roof.

Erwin smiled at her though. “I thought you were sleeping.” He approached her and he wrapped his arms around her, and he leaned down to lay a kiss on her lips, but Nathalie turned her face away, and he stopped. Why wasn’t she letting him kiss her? What was wrong? Before he had the chance to ask, she spoke.

“Here.” Nathalie slammed the letters to his chest. “You asked me why I never sent any letters while I was away. I did. Your assistant just made sure you’d never receive them.”

Erwin’s eyes widened and he withdrew his arms from around her, taking the letters and looking at them. He recognised her handwriting on the folder.

From: Capital of Marley, Central Post Office 78996

To: Survey Corps Headquarters, Trost District, 4523

Receiver: Dr Hange Zoe

Date: 08/05/852

That was three years ago from then. He couldn’t believe it. If he had known those letters existed, he would have found her far sooner.

“There were six. Eleanor burned three of them.” Nathalie turned to leave, to walk in their bedroom. She was too tired to give an explanation now. She wasn’t really sure whether she needed to explain anything. “I’m going to sleep.”

“Wait! Nat, there’s something I need to tell you-” Erwin caught her hand to stop her, but Nathalie cut him.

“You slept with Eleanor.”

Oh no. That was the end of their relationship, wasn’t it? Was it just going to be a loveless marriage from now on? Something forced, just for the sake of their child? It was all his fault, wasn’t it? The little bitch had told Nathalie everything. If he had known Eleanor was hiding those letters from him, he would’ve fired her a long time ago. Was Eleanor obsessed with him? When he slept with her, did he walk straight into a trap? Erwin knew he had ruined everything. He was determined to explain himself though because this wasn’t entirely his fault.

If Nathalie had been… normal, none of this would’ve happened. He would have never done this to her if she hadn’t pushed him in some other woman’s arms.

“It’s alright.” Nathalie said, surprising him entirely. Nathalie turned and looked at him. She had an indifferent, unreadable look on her face. He couldn’t tell what she was thinking for the first time in his entire life. “I do not blame you. I see why you did it.”

No. He knew what she was thinking. She thought that she wasn’t good enough for him, so he abandoned her for something better. But there was no one better than her to him. Erwin gripped her wrist, and he dragged her closer to crash onto his chest. She let out a yelp, but she muffled herself with her hand. Eddie was probably sleeping. She didn’t want to wake him.

But just as she thought their relationship was starting to mend, everything came to ruin again.

“No, you don’t know why I did it. I did it because I was frustrated.” Erwin wrapped his arms around her again. “I was frustrated and insecure, and mad, because you loved another man. You loved the man who had killed me. You made my murderer our son’s father.”

“Yet, even when I was a test subject, and our son was a prisoner” Nathalie cupped Erwin’s cheek oh so gently while she struck him with poison “that other man pulled laughter out of our son and out of me so… effortlessly.”

Erwin growled and slammed her against the wall, hard enough to knock a muffled cry out of her, making the bricks slightly shift behind her. Pain shot through her entire backside, but still, it was nothing compared to all those experiments they had conducted on her. Erwin could beat her to a pulp, but he could never match that kind of pain. He was breathing hard now. He was furious, and that’s exactly what she wanted. She was trying to frustrate him like she did that night, instead this time, she’d be the one he’d take his frustration out on. Not Eleanor. Never again.

“If you had given me a chance to be his father, then you wouldn’t be saying this right now!” Erwin cried out furiously.

“Oh? Are you mad now?” Nathalie gripped his shirt. “Good. I’ll make you furious. I want you to take your frustration out on me.” She smacked his chest, but he did not budge. Whatever she’d do, she couldn’t overpower this man. “Why would you fuck her when you’re frustrated with me?!” Her strong act was wavering. “Fuck me. Hurt me. Hit me. Beat me. I don’t care. But take it out on me because you’re mine.” She smacked his chest again and again and it was getting hard to breathe, and tears ran down her cheeks. It was the tears she had been holding back all along. “You’re mine, and I’m yours, and I can’t do anything without you so… please…” she buried her face in his chest and she wept. She never thought this would happen. “…please… she’s perfect, but don’t ever do that again… I know I wronged you, but please, find some other way to punish me… please…”

It broke Erwin’s heart all over. Did she really think that this was a punishment? Initially, it started as one, but now, he hated himself for taking that path. He never thought this would ever happen with him and her. He thought they would forever be the perfect couple, but they had always been so far from that.

Erwin wrapped his arms around her, and he buried his fingers, his face in her hair.

“Why are we like this?” Erwin asked out loud.

It was a mere thought he made out loud, and she laughed at it, so he did not regret speaking it. She laughed and cried at the same time, and he was barely holding it together. He only hoped Eddie was still sleeping deeply and by some miracle he hadn’t heard the entire thing.

“I’m sorry.” Erwin spoke softly against her hair, and he shut his eyes. It wasn’t enough, but it was sincere.

“I’m sorry too.”

They were both at fault in this. She pulled back to look at him and he wiped her cheeks. He hated watching her cry. It was terrible because crying was all she ever did and it was always his fault.

He should do better.

Nathalie cupped his face and he closed his eyes tiredly at the contact. He must have been so tired. She didn’t mean to spend the last reserves of energy that he had of the day. She didn’t want to exhaust him with useless things. He had more important things to worry about and she definitely wasn’t one of them.

She should do better.

“Let’s go to bed.” Nathalie ran her fingers across his cheek, and he shook his head and he finally opened his eyes.

“I need to work-”

“You need to sleep.” Nathalie cut him. “Your wellbeing matters more than the state of the world.” She smiled up at him lovingly and she brushed his hair away from his forehead. “If my brilliant husband is not okay, then who’s going to save us all?”

Erwin chuckled and he leaned in, taking her lips in his own. She let him kiss her this time like he’d been wanting to all day. Could they move on from this? Could they finally go back to how it was? It felt like they could, because she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and lifted herself up on her tiptoes to reach him, and he tightened his arms around her and kissed her a little harder.

“She’s not perfect.” Erwin mumbled against her lips. “No one’s like you, Nathalie. You’re my perfect little girl. I love you.” He caught her neck, keeping her face close. “No other woman will ever hear me say that.”

“Good.” Nathalie nodded frantically and she cupped his cheeks with both her hands. “Because I’m miserable without you.”

He was just as miserable without her. He kissed her again, gently this time, pouring all of the emotion into the kiss. He picked her up and took her to the couch, laying her down gently. She buried her fingers in his hair and she messed them up. He always looked so beautiful when his hair was a mess. He always looked so perfect on top of her. Her sweet loving husband.

“Mine.” Nathalie mumbled against his lips, clutching on his shirt, on his hair, on his shoulders. “Mine… no one else’s.”

“Yes.”

“My husband.”

Nathalie kissed him again, practically devouring him and before he knew it, he was sitting down and she was on his lap, fumbling through his belt, unbuckling it and letting go of his lips. Nathalie dropped on her knees in front of him and she pulled out his half hard cock in her hand, taking the tip in her mouth, sucking hard.

“Oh fuck…”

Erwin threw his head back, shutting his eyes for a moment. If he kept his eyes on her, taking his cock in her mouth, he’d cum in seconds and it’d be embarrassing. Nathalie took his entire length in her mouth, hollowing her cheeks around his cock. She felt him harden. His blood rushed south as the leaky tip of his cock touched the back of her throat. She had forgotten how big he felt in her mouth. She had forgotten how great he tasted on her tongue. He was all she wanted right now. She wanted to please him. She wanted to be the only thing on his mind for now and forever.

She wanted to be the only one he’d ever see.

So, she put all the effort she could muster into it. She licked and sucked and suckled on the tip while she pumped him with her hand. His hand reached for her hair. Tearing her glasses off her face and tossing them on the tea table. He grabbed her hair, pulling them back, letting her work properly on his cock. He felt her throat convulse around his cock and he gritted his teeth trying to hold back his sounds. They hadn’t been exactly quiet even when they were fighting before, and now, it was nearly impossible to be quiet when she was sucking on his cock so hungrily.

“My deprived little girl… you haven’t had a cock in that slutty mouth of yours for a long time now, have you?” Erwin spoke lowly, keeping his voice down as much as he could, glancing at the closed door that led to his bedroom where their son was sleeping.

Nathalie couldn’t speak, but she nodded instead, keeping him buried in her mouth, choking herself on his cock. Her saliva had made a mess on the floor between his legs. She had ruined his pants, his floor, his couch, but he didn’t care. He knew she’d be a good girl after they were done, and she’d clean up after her mess. She released his cock from her mouth with a pop and only then did he realise how hard he was breathing and how beautiful she was right there.

On her knees in front of him with swollen lips and drool on her chin, breathing hard. She looked so beautiful like this it almost drove him mad. Erwin caught her slippery chin and he forced her mouth to part, before he released a globe of spit on her tongue and she swallowed it right away, presenting him her tongue, giving him proof that she actually had.

“Good girl.” Erwin bullied three of his fingers inside her mouth, invading her throat and feeling her suck on them so obediently. “That’s where you belong…” he pulled his fingers out of her mouth, finally allowing her to breathe. He smacked her cheek lightly, making her cunt throb unlike never before. “…on your knees, like a good girl, providing holes for daddy’s cock.”

Oh God. She squeezed her legs together, trying to ease need between her legs but it only got worse. Nathalie grabbed his leg, humping his shoe like a bitch in heat. He pumped his cock pressing it on her lower lip, and fuck, she’d never been prettier.

“Yes, daddy…” she spit on the tip of his cock, watching him in delight as she drove him to near insanity. “On my knees… for you… only for you…”

Nathalie pulled herself up, gathering her ridiculously long skirt in her fist, before planting her knees on the couch around him. She placed her panties aside and sank herself down on his cock. She whimpered and buried her face in his neck, clutching on his shirt. The stretch of his big, fat cock invading her tiny hole always brought a zip of pain, but she had never felt anything more pleasurable. His twisted little girl was getting off on pain.

Her hole clamped around him so fucking tight. He wrapped his arms around her, helping her come down his cock, sheathing himself to the hilt. He was so deep it was overwhelming, she let another cute little whimper, and she panted against his neck, clutching on his shoulders tightly. Her body shook, but he held her. Erwin latched his teeth on her neck, grabbing her hair in a fist and pulling her head back punishingly.

He had her perfect neck spread out to him on perfect display. He couldn’t pick between wrapping his arm around it, or just marking her up, because all the marks he’d laid on her recently had disappeared way too fast and it was starting to get annoying.

Whatever they had done to her in that lab, it healed all kinds of wounds on her skin right away.

Which only made him determined to plant down even more. He started biting and licking and sucking and leaving down marks and hickeys that would normally stay for days but he was certain, they’d be gone by the time he’d be done fucking her into the couch. He gripped her ass over her skirt and he guided her to start riding him. She let out the prettiest sounds. She propped her hands on his shoulders for some leverage and she started moving.

She rolled her hips on his cock, trying to find the angle that suit her best. At first, she was merely planning to make him cum in her mouth, but she couldn’t help it. He just felt too good inside of her, especially when he nudged her spot and she gasped and writhed, and he kept her tightly against him.

She gripped his shirt and pressed her forehead against his own as she started riding him in a slowly increasing pace. She buried her fingers in his hair, gripping on them tightly and he let out a low groan, but that wasn’t enough. Nathalie’s hands slipped further down, grabbing a hold of his neck, gripping slightly, but not enough to cut the airflow. She didn’t think she had that kind of strength right now. But it was amusing to see his veins bulge beneath his skin and feel him breathing restrictedly beneath her grip.

He didn’t know whether that turned him on even more or whether it made him so frustrated, enough to want to just slam her on the couch and fuck her till the entire Survey Corps could hear her. No other woman had dared do something like that to him.

“You’re mine…” Nathalie suckled on his lower lip while she fucked herself on his cock, making sure to brush against that sweet spot inside her cunt that made her see stars. She gripped his throat a little tighter, and she planted a bite on his skin. “That cock’s mine… that body’s mine… you’re all mine… mine.”

He’d never seen her like this. Nathalie had never been possessive with him – at least not too much. Erwin flipped her to her back and he hovered on top of her, tearing his hands from his neck, trapping both her wrists on top of her head on the cushions of the couch and she wrapped her legs around his hips.

He slammed into her hard, and she just about screamed, but he slammed a hand on her lips, keeping her muffled. He let go of her hands, grabbing her head, her forehead, pushing her head down and keeping her in place while he fucked into her like an animal. Her eyes widened and tears ran down her cheeks. Her hole was spasming around him so hard, she was about to cum and he could tell.

“I’m yours and you’re mine… and that’s why you’re gonna take daddy’s cum like a good girl, hmm?”

She nodded frantically and she shut her eyes as she came so hard around his cock, she dragged him over the edge as well. Erwin fucked her through her orgasm, spilling his warm cum inside her womb, giving her a few more thrusts to make sure it’d stay inside. He finally released her lips to hear her pant. He pressed his forehead on top of her own, both clearly exhausted.

“I love you, ‘win.”

“I love you too, Nat…” he pecked her lips “my sweet little girl.”

Notes:

I know it doesn't look like they fixed anything but uh bear with me the author's tired

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

“W- What the hell… are you?!” Eleanor asked, terrified at the blood-red eyes that stared right into her own.

Nathalie let down a bloody scrape all over Eleanor’s neck with her nail. She looked down at her nails. Big and black and sharper than anything she’d ever seen. Where did they come from? Nathalie remembered Malcolm opening up her arms, her fingers, one by one, injecting things into them, saying he’d make her something better, superior. Was that what he had meant? By superior, did he mean monster?

“I’m simply… better.” Nathalie used her uncle’s exact words. She didn’t know why she didn’t feel terrified with herself. She should be on her knees, screaming.

But no, this felt good. She felt better than she had ever felt in her entire life.

oh yes nat kinda becomes a villain who just kills ppl for no reason lmaaaoooo

Chapter 110: An Enemy Within Our Cirle

Notes:

THANK YOU SO MUCH for your awesome comments!! I'll respond sometime tomorrow when I get the time, sorry for the wait

“Erwin’s going to get on stage with Will Tybur?”

“Yes.”

Nathalie turned and looked at her husband who was staring at his green board. They were in his office with Hange, Miche, Levi and the 104^th. Nathalie was holding Eddie in her arms. He was being quiet, staring at the things his dad had scribbled on the green board that hanged nearby Erwin’s desk. It had always been there and Erwin had always used it to organise his thoughts and plan their missions.

“And what are you going to tell them, darling?” Nathalie asked her husband and Erwin gave her a smile.

“That, I will leave it up to you.” Erwin said and her eyes widened.

“Oh,”

So, he wanted her to write him another speech. Nathalie sighed contently. It had been too long since the last time she’d done that for him. It had been Eleanor’s job the past three years. Nathalie was coming to realise that Eleanor had replaced her on a whole lot of things, and she hated it.

“There will be cameras and journalists.” Miche said. “Whatever that speech may be, it will be broadcast in the entire world.”

“I don’t like it.” Levi frowned. “Liberio will be armed to the teeth. Who’s saying that the second Erwin steps foot on stage they won’t shoot him?”

“Even if I get shot, I will survive.” Erwin said reassuringly, finally turning and looking at the others. “We have Nathalie’s serum. I want each and every one of our own to have at least one syringe on them.” He looked at Jean, Sasha, Connie, and Armin. They all had their own squads and Mikasa with Eren were a team of their own. “Except the titan-shifters. You won’t be needing it.”

Jean, Sasha, and Connie nodded in sync. “Understood!”

“Eren.” Erwin looked at the boy. “I want you to protect the people, whether they are Eldians or Marleyans, it doesn’t matter. We need to show to the world, that Paradis seeks peace and has no plans to hurt civilian lives. If Marley falls into my trap, then the only murderer will be them and the entire world will find out about it.”

Eren nodded. “Yes, sir.”

“If that’s the case, instead of killing Marleyan soldiers, we should sedate them.” Hange proposed and Erwin nodded.

“I’ll leave that to you and Moblit.”

“Use Amobarbital.” Eddie spoke catching everyone’s attention and turning to look at Hange and Moblit and Nathalie smiled. “Its hypnotic action can last more than an hour and I can tell this operation will last long. Three-hundred milligrams per person should suffice.”

Everybody stopped talking for a moment and instead they just stared at Eddie surprised and wide-eyed. Nathalie and Erwin smirked proudly though.

“U- Uh- yes! G- Great, idea, Eddie, we’ll do just that.” Hange chuckled nervously. That boy was way too smart and it was starting to show a lot.

Nathalie giggled and she pressed a sound kiss on one of his fluffy cheeks. “Good boy.”

“Come over here, little buddy.” Miche pulled Eddie in his arms, and he laughed. “Brilliant boy. You’re taking after your Uncle Miche.” He smirked and Erwin frowned.

“He’s actually taking after me-” Erwin tried to say but Nathalie cut him, wrapping her arms around one of his own and clinging to his side. She gave him the sweetest smile.

“Let them have fun.”

Erwin dropped the frown and wrapped an arm around her instead. He chuckled. “Fine.” He turned and looked at the others, too busy playing with Eddie to notice the couple. Maybe he’d let Eddie distract them for now. It wasn’t like he had anything else to report. That mission would take place in a couple of weeks, and they had time to prepare. “I will fire my assistant.” Erwin said, looking down at his sweet girl and her eyes widened.

“Y- You mean Eleanor?”

“Yes. She will be reassigned to someone else in the Garrison. I don’t need an assistant when I have a wife, do I?” Erwin cupped her cheek and her lips curled up into a bright smile.

“That’s right!” Nathalie turned to face him, placing her hands on his chest. “A- And I can communicate to many world leaders on your behalf! I speak sixty-seven languages, you know!”

Erwin’s eyes widened. “You do?!” He didn’t know that. Actually, she didn’t know about it either, that until she went to the asylum and started talking to the other Burgesses. Nathalie nodded. That was amazing. He could use her.

A lot.

“It’s another Burgess thing.” Nathalie said. “Eddie already speaks five.”

To say that he was surprised and pleased was an understatement. Erwin’s lips curled into a large smile, and he wrapped his arms around her, pressing a kiss on her lips. He cupped her cheek and ran his rough thumb across her face.

“My darling, you’re perfect.” Erwin said.

He wasn’t surprised he had fallen for her. Back then, he didn’t know about the Burgess Family being the smartest people in the world. Now, he knew that the only person he’d ever fall for would be a Burgess. The only person to ever hear him say I love you would’ve been her. He looked at Eddie. Mikasa was holding him now. Mikasa had been so happy ever since Eren got back.

“You both are.”

༻◊۞◊༺

It was late in the night now and Nathalie had managed to lull Eddie to sleep. Or at least, she thought as much. Erwin was working like he always did and Nathalie was scribbling things down on her new notebook, sitting on his desk, across him. The two of them sat there in comfortable silence for a couple of hours. Nathalie was still trying to figure out how take Annie out of her crystal shell.

“Do you think Marley’s titan-shifters will shift and attack us during our… raid in Liberio?” Nathalie asked after a while and Erwin nodded, not once taking his attention away from the paperwork.

“I’m betting on it.” Erwin said. He expected as much. Besides, as many titan-shifters present, the more the civilian losses. The more Marley would get blamed.

“The Jaw Titan would be one of them, then.” Nathalie said and he finally looked up at her, trying to figure out what she was getting at. “I need titan spinal fluid from the Jaw Titan in order to take Annie out of there.” Nathalie said and Erwin let down his pen to consider it. “You see, the power of the Jaw Titan is to break the hardening with its jaw. There is a certain toxin that coats the Jaw Titan’s teeth, which if I get my hands on it, I could create a harmless solution that dissolves Titanamite. I could’ve used frequencies, but they are dangerous to the point that if they get too high, Annie and everyone else in the room are going to die and she won’t even get the chance to regenerate. I tried sulphuric acid yesterday, but it doesn’t seem to dissolve it at all, so I was thinking that I could…”

Nathalie continued talking and honestly, past that point, Erwin didn’t hear a thing, even when she was explaining things to him so simply and skilfully, merely showing how perfectly she had understood the fundamentals of chemistry, physics, and biology. His sweet girl was the smartest there was. He could never replace her with anyone, that’s why the thought of losing her was maddening.

Erwin had missed that smile on her lips. That fire in her blue eyes. That excitement on her face whenever she talked about science. She reminded him of back then, when she was a twelve-year-old girl, and he, seventeen, and a big brother figure to her back then, as she talked to him about science so excitedly. He’d sit down and listen even when he couldn’t understand what she was saying.

How much he wished to go back to those days and tell his younger self that this girl would eventually become the woman that he’d love for the rest of his life. He’d tell himself to stop trying and resist her, because she was stubborn and she made it so insanely happen, he would eventually give in. He’d tell himself to never hurt her and keep her close and safe by his side. To never let anyone take her.

But despite the things that he had regretted – the things that he had done, they were there now, so many years later, and he saw the same little girl in her now. The girl who made too many notes but used too little words to explain things.

His girl. His woman. They had come such a long way. They were married. They had a son. He was completely and utterly in love with her.

He was always going to be.

“…so, I will have to come with, to extract it myself-”

“What?! No, that’s out of question. You’re staying here with our son.” Erwin finally snapped out of his haze. She wanted to come to this mission?! There was no way he’d let her. Nathalie had to stay back. She had to stay safe and alive for their child in case something happened to him.

“B- But the procedure differs substantially when it comes to the Jaw Titan, and only I can-”

“Instruct Hange and she’ll handle it herself. I’m not letting you go back to Marley ever again.” Erwin scoffed and he grabbed his pen again, sinking it in the ink and beginning to write down again. He wasn’t going to take any objection to this. His word was final. “I’m not letting you leave this building unless I’m with you. I want you to be safe, Nathalie. You need to stay back with our son.”

“No,” Nathalie frowned deeply. “I need to come and make sure his father comes home like I’ve always done. He already lost you once, Erwin. Never again.” She would protect Erwin like she had always done. Sure, she had to get back in shape and two weeks were more than enough time for her to do that. She couldn’t ignore that maybe – just maybe, his self-sacrificial urges were still there no matter what he had said and done.

My life belongs to you. It belongs to our family.

She had been so relieved when he had told her that, but something felt off. She didn’t know whether it was her just knowing him so well, but she knew he wouldn’t keep true to his word. Of course, Erwin was a man of his word, but she didn’t trust him to keep his life safe.

“He won’t lose me. Neither of you will lose me.” Erwin gave her a reassuring smile. “You’ve already made sure of that. Do you know how many times your serum saved my life the past four years? You have saved many Scouts’ lives, Nathalie, that’s why the Scout Regiment has grown to have the most soldiers in numbers than any other regiment.”

Of course, Nathalie was happy to know that. It was true. The Scout Regiment had grown, and many people were now joining in. There was some kind of purpose in the Scout Regiment. The Garrison just took care of the walls and Military Police were just taking care of matters between people within the districts. The Survey Corps were allowing their soldiers to go ahead of the open walls and explore the world. No other regiment had that capability. What was once a dream, it was now more than just reality. It was a necessity to travel to the outside.

“And I’m relieved to know that.” Nathalie stood up, abandoning her research for now.

She walked around his desk and she stood to his side. He automatically made space for her to sit on his lap and she chuckled, settling there comfortably. Erwin wrapped his arms around her, and he buried his nose in her neck, drawing in her scent and sighing contently against her skin. A soft smile spread on her lips, and she buried her fingers in his hair, scratching gently.

“I’m expecting a but.” Erwin said and she chuckled.

“Well… forgive me, but… I’m worried.” Nathalie cupped his cheek and pulled back to look at him. “I already lost you once…” it wasn’t just that. She wanted to be there by his side like she had always done “…I don’t want to lose you again. It is why I joined the Scouts from the very start. I joined to protect you. I joined to be by your side.”

“And you have.” Erwin tucked a stray strand of hair away from her forehead. “But I’m asking you to stop. From this day forth, I shall be the one to protect you and our son.” He cupped her cheek, but he could tell that she did not agree.

Of course, Erwin was quite the skilled warrior. He was strong and skilled, and he had been training his entire life, but he was thirty-nine years old. She was thirty-four. Sure, she hadn’t fought at all in the last four years, but if a Burgess set their mind on something, then they did it perfectly. And she could get shape back up perfectly.

“When I was lacking an arm…” Erwin had to explain it to her. He had to, otherwise she wouldn’t understand. “…no matter how much I hated it, I let you be the one who would protect us both, because I knew I was incapable of doing that, and I hated myself for it-”

“Erwin-”

“But now, I’m more than capable, and it’s thanks to you.” Erwin cut her and he gave her a small smile. It was him the man of the relationship. That responsibility was bestowed upon him. His wife should never have to wield a sword again. She should focus on their son and her sweet science that she so much adored. Nathalie never wanted to join this war in the first place. She never wanted to learn how to fight or how to use an ODM Gear. He had dragged her into it because he so desperately wanted her by his side that he ignored her wants.

Never again.

“I want you to focus on your research.” Erwin smiled at her. His precious girl. “I want you to spend your time on things you like. You never wanted to join the military, but you did it anyway because of me. I was a selfish man who took advantage of your affection for me and I had you forget your own dreams.” He couldn’t believe it had taken him all this time to realise this. “I want you to stop doing things for me and instead, start doing things for yourself.” He was going to make things right this time.

Nathalie was absolutely speechless. Start doing things… for myself? What was there to do for herself? Everything she had ever done was for him. There was never any room for the things she wanted to do. She had tossed it all aside, but she got his heart in return and that was more than a fair trade. Dedicating her life to him was a choice she would never regret.

Nathalie cupped his face and brought him close as she leaned down and kissed him. She kissed him gentle, and sweet and needy. He tightened his arms around her and he shut his eyes, kissing her back. He knew she needed that. He had known that all she ever did was for his sake. But it felt good. It felt like she was pleasing herself when she was pleasing him.

Nathalie pulled back to look at him with a bright smile. “Making you happy… it makes me happy as well.” She brushed his blonde hair away from his forehead. “So… know that when I’m doing something for you… it’s for me too… it makes me happy.”

Erwin had to admit that there were times when she drove him absolutely insane, and then there were times that felt like she had his heart in her hands and she was the most deserving person of it in the world. Erwin tightened his arms around her, and he buried his face in her neck, clutching on her shirt, her skirt. She was so precious to him. He had lost her once. If anything happened to her again, he’d go insane.

“I love you.” Erwin said and her lips curled into a bright smile. She had yet to get used to him saying it. She buried her fingers in his hair and she pressed a gentle kiss on his forehead.

“I love you too,” she pressed another kiss on the spot between his eyes, then further down on his nose and he chuckled. She giggled and cupped his cheeks with both her hands. “How about you go to sleep a little earlier tonight?”

She didn’t really expect him to agree, and she wasn’t planning to try and convince him. She just wanted him to rest so she asked him the exact same thing every night before going to bed.

“Alright.”

Erwin let her down on her feet and he stood up. Her eyes widened. That was odd. Was he really agreeing to go to sleep? He noticed the surprised look on her face as he took her hand and guided her to their bedroom where Eddie was sleeping on their bed. Erwin merely smiled without addressing her curiosity and she forgot all about it, letting her hand sink in his own. The two of them changed into their nightclothes before lying down, settling Eddie in the middle.

Erwin rested his cheek on top of the pillow, planting a hand right beneath it, watching Eddie shift closer to his mom. Nathalie smiled and pulled Eddie in her arms, letting him unconsciously bury his little face in her neck and clutch on her gown. Nathalie pressed a kiss on his little forehead, and she closed her eyes to finally sleep. Erwin could just watch the two of them like this all night. Abandoning all that paperwork just for this very sight was more than worth it.

Erwin closed his eyes with a smile. He loved them both so much.

༻◊۞◊༺

Nathalie had just finished getting a wedding present for Levi and Petra. She was quite late, she knew as much, but she was so happy for them both. She knew she had been an issue in Levi and Petra’s relationship at the very start. Getting them something, was the least she could do. She got them a set of formal clothes for their son. Furlan. Nathalie smiled as she walked down the hall. She was trying to get to Erwin’s office. She wasn’t surprised that Levi had named his son after Furlan. She was willing to bet that if they had a daughter, he’d name her after Isabel.

Isabel.

It felt like decades. And maybe, it had been a decade. Yes. So many things had happened. She had cherished Isabel and Furlan so much when Erwin dragged them all with Levi in the Survey Corps for the first time. Especially Isabel. She was like the little sister Nathalie never had. Sometimes she wondered how different things would have been if the two of them were still alive.

Eddie was in the lab. He was dissecting lizards this time. Nathalie offered to help him, but he didn’t let her. He wanted to work on his own. He worked best that way even when she was teaching him things, he’d ask her to leave him with a huge book and then come later to answer whatever questions he’d have.

Erwin had asked for a certain folder from his desk, and since Eleanor was getting fired next week, Nathalie had already started filling out the position of his assistant. Nathalie never thought Erwin would ever sleep with another woman while being with her. Erwin had been so loyal in the four years that she’d been missing. She didn’t blame him for doing that. She knew she had brought this upon herself. Maybe she had even convinced herself that she deserved that treatment.

Nathalie didn’t really sit down to think whether she deserved it or not. She didn’t weigh what was worse: her, sleeping with the man who killed her husband, or him, sleeping with his assistant right after bringing his wife back? Nathalie had no idea and her head ached to the very thought of it. So, she didn’t think about it at all. Whether she deserved it or not, didn’t really matter.

She loved Erwin. Whether it was a small or big, significant or insignificant, she wouldn’t let any matter get between them now.

For the sake of their son.

Nathalie entered Erwin’s office and to her biggest dismay, Eleanor was there. Nathalie sighed heavily and closed her eyes for a short moment. I’m too tired for this shit.

“Dr Burgess! I-” Eleanor tried to say, and it was more than obvious that she was faking all that formality.

“What are you doing in my husband’s office?” Nathalie asked, approaching her, but keeping a distance between them.

 Eleanor would get fired next week, and she knew that, she had just finished signing the papers and delivering them to Erwin’s desk. But there was something else. There was a cup of tea that Nathalie did not remember placing there. Nathalie arched an eyebrow. Had Eleanor really come here to deliver papers, or make Erwin some tea? Or was she really here to just infuriate her?

“I delivered the last pieces of paperwork I had. Plus, I wanted to make some tea for the Commander for the last time.” Eleanor said and she seemed to finally drop the formalities and letting her inner bitch come out. “Erwin always liked my teas.”

“That’s Commander Erwin to you.” Nathalie corrected her and Eleanor’s annoying little smirk dropped. Nathalie was absolutely certain there was more to it. There was something Eleanor was hiding. There was some other motive. Nathalie would rather run a chemical analysis on that tea than actually let her precious husband taste it.

“Didn’t you say you don’t care about what I do with your husband?” Eleanor smirked again and Nathalie walked past her, pulling that cup in her hand and looking at it. It looked decent. It smelled of jasmine, but there was something else to it, that she did not recognise its scent.

“That’s right. I don’t care whether you want to fuck him again or not,” Nathalie didn’t even look at her. She was too busy staring at the liquid inside the cup that she held in one hand. “But I’m still his wife and you’re a mere assistant who’s about to get fired.” Nathalie finally looked at her smirking in satisfaction. “So, if I find out you’re trying to hurt my husband…”

Nathalie let down the cup and she caught Eleanor by the collar of her shirt. Before she knew it, she was knocked against Erwin’s bookcase. Eleanor gasped at the sudden movement she didn’t even have the time to realise what had happened. Nathalie had grabbed her so fast, and her backside genuinely hurt from the impact that it made against the bookcase behind her. Nathalie was skinny and weak. There was no way she had that kind of strength to toss a much larger woman around like this.

There was something wrong here. Eleanor looked at Nathalie and her fears were confirmed. Nathalie’s eyes were a bright red now and a sharp, long, black nail pressed at a certain artery on her throat. A single move would result in her choking in her own blood.

“…I will return the favour… tenfold.” Nathalie smiled sickeningly. She looked so ominous, so terrifying like this. It didn’t look like Nathalie. It looked like something else. Sure, Hange’s treatment on Nathalie had gotten rid of the psychological torment, but the effect of Malcolm’s experiments was still there, and no one knew about it. Not even Nathalie.

“W- What the hell… are you?!” Eleanor asked, terrified and shaking.

Nathalie let down a bloody scrape all over Eleanor’s neck with her nail. She looked down at her nails. Big and black and sharper than anything she’d ever seen. Where did they come from? Nathalie remembered Malcolm opening up her arms, her fingers, one by one, injecting things into them, saying he’d make her something better, superior. Was that what he had meant? By superior, did he mean monster?

“I’m simply… better.” Nathalie used her uncle’s exact words. She didn’t know why she didn’t feel terrified with herself. She should be on her knees and screaming. That was some kind of wicked transformation that she could never show to anyone.

She could never hold her son with those fingers, those nails. She couldn’t look at someone with those eyes. Those red eyes that did not need her glasses to see clearly and she could almost see the microbiome residing on Eleanor’s skin in a fine detail. She could hear that ant that walked on the wooden floor right now. She could hear Hange, Moblit, Miche and Nanaba while all four of them had a midnight drink in the kitchen downstairs. She could hear Erwin’s footsteps as he approached this office from outside.

Was that what Malcolm meant?

“I guess that doesn’t make me human.”

Nathalie was planning to release her. She really was. But Erwin walked in.

“Help! She’s trying to kill me! Please, help!” Eleanor cried out and Nathalie immediately released her, and before she knew it her nails were replaced to the human transparent and naturally short. Her eyes were back to a bright blue.

“Why would I kill you, darling?” Nathalie pulled out a large smile at the terrified girl. “I am a doctor. I don’t hurt people.”

Erwin had caught glimpse of Nathalie having pinned Eleanor against his bookcase, but he didn’t really mind. Of course, he’d side with his wife in this. “Eleanor, what are you doing in my office?” He asked, closing the door behind him and Nathalie approached him, standing beside him with a smirk on her lips. There was more to it, but he didn’t ask just yet.

“D- Didn’t you see her?! S- She was trying to kill me! She looked like a- a monster-!”

“Nonsense, dear.” Nathalie huffed boringly. “I got a little frustrated by seeing the woman who slept with my husband. Wouldn’t you have done the same?”

Things were starting to get uncomfortable. Erwin faked a cough and he walked to his desk. “I see you finished the last of your paperwork. It was nice working with you. You’re dismissed.”

“Let me walk you out.” Nathalie wrapped an arm around Eleanor’s shoulders even though Eleanor tried to flinch away from her, Nathalie grabbed her anyway. She took her to the door and opened it. Before Eleanor had the chance to walk out, Nathalie placed a hand on her shoulder. Nathalie sank her fingers on the axillary nerve at the top of Eleanor’s shoulder. It hurt like hell but not enough to make her cry out. Nathalie stood behind her with that kind, deceiving smile on her lips and she leaned closer to whisper to her ear. “Tell someone about what happened today, and I’ll kill you in your sleep.”

Nathalie could almost see the hair on Eleanor’s skin rise up and she could no longer hold back her smirk, before she released the poor girl and finally closed the door. Nathalie let out a sigh of satisfaction and she turned to approach Erwin again only to see him bring that cup of tea to his lips. Her eyes widened.

“No! Don’t drink that!”

Erwin stopped just in time, and he looked at her in confusion. “Why?”

She rushed to him, and she took the cup from his hand and brought it to her face to take a whiff. It was bittersweet and finally it hit her.

“I knew it. Nightshade.” Nathalie frowned and she took the cup to empty it in the sink of their bathroom.

Erwin’s eyes widened and he rushed after her. “Did Eleanor bring this? You mean she was trying to poison me?”

“Yes.” Nathalie washed whatever remained on the cup with a bit of water and she was done, she placed it upside down beside their sink to dry. “Quite stupid of her to use nightshade. Its odour is quite characteristic.”

Sometimes Erwin forgot that Nathalie knew absolutely everything on biology including herbology. Of course, she could recognise the scent of a poisonous plant. What would he do without her? But it wasn’t the first time someone had made an attempt on his life. The more he thought about it, the more it made sense that maybe Marleyan officials had even made a move on his very assistant. It was sickening to think that he had trusted Eleanor with his life four years now.

“From this day forth, you only drink and eat the things I prepare for you myself, understood?” Nathalie asked. She had to get back to cooking so it seemed. She couldn’t let anything happen to him.

“It’s not the first time.” Erwin sighed, pressing some of his weight on the doorframe, watching Nathalie as she dried her hands on a towel and she turned and looked at him surprised. She shouldn’t be surprised. Marley would do absolutely everything to take Erwin out. Erwin had too much power.

Too much power came with too many enemies.

She hated that he had to deal with that and she wasn’t even there for him.

“I bet there’s a dozen of world leaders out there who want you out of their way.”

“It’s not just them.” Erwin said. “There are some Generals who think the Queen has given me more power than she has herself.”

Nathalie frowned. That kind of mindset was going to be their downfall. The entire world was about to attack Paradis. The people of Paradis could not afford to fight against their own. They had to stay united if they were to overcome this war. Erwin had too many things to deal with and those bastards were making things worse. Ungrateful pricks. Where would Paradis be without Erwin now? It would have probably been brought to ruin. Everybody should have been on their knees begging Erwin for forgiveness. Erwin had worked too hard for those people.

“Let them think whatever they want.” Nathalie approached him and placed her hands on his chest. She cupped his cheeks and urged him to look at her. “You keep pushing forward…” she smiled at him “…I’ll handle the rest.”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chap:

“I love you, Nathalie Smith... even when you’re scarred and traumatised, and insane, and ruined, and messed up in the most terrible way imaginable.” Erwin said and she laughed.

basically just fluff and nat takes annie out of her hardening

can anybody guess how?

Chapter 111: Breaking the Hardening

Notes:

ok ok ok ok i KNOW i disappeared BUUUUTTTT

half of you have totally given up on reading this fic LMFAOOO and i wouldn't blame you buuuuuttt

here's a chap, idk how satisfying it is, i don't remember what's it in, i wrote it months ago (i think?)

so uh yes enjoy BUUUTTT CHRISTMAS BREAK IS HERE BITCHESSSS which means this bitch right here (bitch being me) will get her shit together and actually write something

as a matter of fact, i wrote a 2k word christmas special chap for this story (it'll be the next one)

enjoy, if you're still with me uwu

“When a rocket is in flight, four forces act on it: weight, thrust and the two aerodynamic forces, lift and drag. The amount of the weight depends on the mass of all of the parts of the rocket…” Nathalie pointed on the rocket-like structure that she had drawn on the green board. A group of engineers were sitting on chairs, filling the entire room. They must have been around thirty. “Keep in mind that thrust works the opposite of weight…”

Eddie was sitting on one of the chairs too, listening with great interest. Hange and Moblit were there, and Hange wasn’t really supposed to take any notes, but she did it anyway. All the engineers were taking notes too. They were in one of Paradis’s many Industrial Cities. Nathalie had offered to give them all the knowledge necessary to protect Paradis. Modernised weapons and ammunition were very important for this, so she made sure she told them everything they had to know.

Aerospace Engineering was the final subject for today.

Erwin said he had something to take care of in the Industrial City as well so, he’d come find her and Eddie and they’d leave for Trost together in the afternoon. Nathalie hadn’t even noticed that the afternoon had arrived. She had spent the entire day explaining things and answering to queries. She was more than happy to see that there were also women amongst the engineers. Back in her days, women wouldn’t really dare enrol universities or study beside engineers to learn the job. But now, there were many of them in the room.

It made her happy.

“And this is the rocket equation…” Nathalie wrote it down on the board with the white piece of chalk she held in hand “…it gives us the change of velocity that the rocket obtains from burning a mass of fuel that decreases the total rocket mass for m₀ to m…”

She hadn’t noticed that Erwin was already there. He was standing by the entrance of the large room and a smile spread over his lips as he watched her. He could already imagine a million ways he could use that contraption to their advantage. If their engineers managed to make something like this, it would have been a massive help to protecting Paradis in case a world war started. Their engineers were working too hard already.

But she was perfect right there, answering everybody’s questions with such simplicity. She simplified everything for everyone to understand. She had rolled her long, oversized sleeves to her elbows and she brushed that wave of brown hair that fell to the left side of her forehead, behind her ear. She had stuffed her white shirt beneath her long, brown skirt that she had fastened around her thin waist with a brown leather belt. All he wanted to do was wrap his arms around her and kiss her. So nerdy. So smart. That brilliant woman was the reason why Paradis was still standing.

Yet, no one knew about it. She was the one who had come up with the vaccine and the Resurrection Serum – that’s how Hange had named the serum that healed all wounds and could bring a dying man back to life. But no one knew that Nathalie was behind it all. The entire Eldian race should’ve been on their knees, worshipping her.

But that was alright, because Erwin would do that instead for the rest of his life.

“I summed everything up in a notebook.” Nathalie handed it to one of the engineers. “Make a copy for everyone in here, if possible.” She said and the man nodded right away.

“Of course, Dr. Thank you for today.”

Nathalie smiled and she didn’t know whether it was a genuine smile or a bitter smile. “No need to call me that. I haven’t earned that title quite yet.”

“Wait… really?!”

“Sadly.” Nathalie nodded, frowning mentally. Thanks to my husband. “We’ll continue this anytime you want me to.”

“We’ll be in touch,” the mechanic said before giving her a last smile and walking away with all the others.

Nathalie sighed and gathered her other notebooks in her bag. I have to speed up my research on cancer.

“Mommy! Daddy’s here!”

Nathalie sighed again. She wasn’t particularly happy about this right now, but she pulled a wide smile anyway as if she didn’t know that both Eddie and Erwin could see right through it.

“Hello, darling.” Nathalie pressed a kiss on Erwin’s cheek as he wrapped an arm around her, holding Eddie against his chest with the other. “How was your day?”

“Busy.” Erwin said, choosing not to ask about her obviously fake smile and Eddie didn’t seem to want to ask about it either. Maybe Erwin would talk to her about this a little later when Eddie wasn’t around.

“Aunty Hange!” Eddie’s little hands reached for Hange and Moblit as they approached them from behind and Hange pulled him in her hug with a laugh.

“How’s my little scientist doing?”

“I’m good. What about you two?”

“We’re good too.” Moblit chuckled, ruffling Eddie’s hair. “That was a wonderful lecture, Nathalie.” Moblit gave Nathalie a smile.

“Oh! Yes! I want to know more about rockets!” Hange handed Eddie to Moblit hastily and she took out her notebook, wrapping an arm around Nathalie’s and dragging her with her away. “Explain me the equation one more time.”

༻◊۞◊༺

Nathalie and Hange spent the entire way back to Trost just talking about it. It was night now, and Erwin was by his desk. Eddie was on his lap, looking at his dad as he worked on paperwork and making curious questions about everything. Nathalie spent the rest of the afternoon in the lab. She was working on multiple things at once. Both her new research, and the task that Erwin had given her. Hange and Moblit had just retreated for the night and now Nathalie was alone in the lab.

She remembered the night she had threatened Eleanor. How she had somehow brought out those black, sharp nails. She remembered Malcolm and his scientists digging syringes and lancets in her fingers, pulling things out and unleashing a black liquid that she had no idea what it was. But those nails were also black.

Without even thinking, she shook her hand, and those nails came out again like sharp knives. Nathalie’s eyes widened and she dropped the pen from her hand. Ink spilled on her notebook and her whole body jerked in response to the realisation. They were significantly bigger. They looked like the nails of a wild animal. It didn’t scare her. It should have. But it didn’t.

It excited her.

Nathalie grabbed the pen with her left hand, and she started writing down on her notebook right away. It wasn’t a problem since she was both left and right-handed. The nails were sharp. She managed to cut her finger with just lightly pressing on the tip of one of them.

She wondered what else she could cut with those nails? Wood? Metal? Bones?

The hardening?

Her eyes widened. She had to test this right away.

Nathalie didn’t even bother to hide them. It was late in the night anyway and there wasn’t really anyone she would encounter at this hour in the empty halls and corridors of the Survey Corps HQ. Nathalie rushed downstairs and then to the basement. Annie was there, in her crystal shell. Nathalie switched on the lights by a lever on the wall and she finally revealed the girl who had been standing in the darkness of that basement for far too long.

Nathalie stood in front of the girl. She didn’t really have any idea about what she was doing. She was to… improvise.

“Alright, darling, I know you can hear me.” Nathalie took off her glasses with the hand that didn’t have the nails and she placed them on a bench nearby. “I’m not going to hurt you… or at least, I’ll try not to hurt you…” great, Nathalie, that wasn’t very reassuring “…but, I’m going to take you out of there.”

Nathalie jerked the other hand, urging the nails to come out on it as well. She looked down and she laughed. So, that’s how I can summon those nails. She had to compose herself though. She couldn’t get overexcited. She didn’t really know how to control this newfound ability. She hadn’t even noticed her eyes were glowing a bright red now. But maybe it didn’t really matter. Nathalie would try and control this because it was useful.

“Walls, I hope this works.” Nathalie took a few steps back. She needed a bit of momentum – or at least that’s what she thought – if she was to impale her fingers on the hardening. When Malcolm said he’d make her the perfect human being there was no way he hadn’t thought about Titanamite. When he injected that black liquid into her fingers, he had probably taken that into consideration.

I know I would.

Nathalie ran. She ran and kept speeding up the closer she reached the girl. She shut her eyes when she came into impact with the hardening though. She thought she would probably break a limb or two. No one just runs straight onto a wall made of the most unbreakable element on planet earth.

But she wasn’t anyone. She was a Burgess. She was a scientist.

Science came with a little bit of insanity, and Nathalie had embraced insanity a long time ago.

Nathalie opened her one eye when she realised no bone on her body felt like it was broken. She opened both her eyes and she looked in front of her. She was stuck on the hardened shell of Annie Leonhardt. Her nails had impaled it and it had started to crack beneath them.

Nathalie laughed. She laughed and cried out loudly and threw her head back, and she would’ve probably celebrated it with a stupid little dance of her own, if she wasn’t stuck against this thing.

“It worked! It worked! I knew it! Oh! Uncle Malcolm, I hate you with all my willpower, but for this, I’ll thank you, by sticking those nails you gave me right into your oesophagus and ripping it out!”

She had no idea what she was saying. She was talking to herself at this point, but that wasn’t the first time, neither would it be the last. Nathalie had been talking to herself for as long as she could remember. She couldn’t remember the last time she had laughed so genuinely. She couldn’t remember the last time her heart had fluttered like this.

This was genuine happiness that no one could give her. Not Erwin. Not her son, Not her friends. No one. This was the kind of happiness that only science could give her. It made her heart thrum, and her lips curl up to the brightest, most genuine smile. No acquaintance – no matter how dear – could bring that feeling out of her. Only science.

That’s what made her a Burgess.

Nathalie grunted, pulling out her nails and then stabbing the crystal again, and again, and again, till it was starting to crack all over, and when the cracks were too many and the crystal started shake, something inside her snapped, and Nathalie just punched it this time. She punched it again and again with unbelievable power. The crystal came breaking down like glass beneath her fists, and the girl beneath collapsed to the floor, unconscious.

Her celebration was short-lived. Nathalie stopped laughing when she realised there was an unconscious girl on the floor.

“Oh! Right. I totally forgot about you, darling.” Nathalie leaned down and without even thinking, she attempted to pick Annie up bridal style. What a stupid thought? Nathalie could hardly pick Eddie up in her hug, much less a teenage girl.

Then why the hell did it work?

Was that another advancement that Malcolm made on her body?

Nathalie laughed again as she walked out of the room, with the much-heavier-than-her girl in her arms, and even though Nathalie had left her glasses back, she could see clearly.

“I didn’t even know I could do this!”

Who knew that all this pain four years now would result to something that… didn’t necessarily make her mad. On the contrary, it made her excited. She was a monster… but it was exciting and useful.

She carried the girl to the infirmary without breaking a sweat. Nathalie fixed her up on a bed with a serum connected to her veins, feeding her body with all the nutrients it had lacked all those years. She made sure Annie was comfortable and that all the machinery around her was connected to her, keeping track of her vitals. Nathalie ran some blood tests on her. It had taken her the entire night, but she didn’t care. She had to make sure the girl was healthy, otherwise, if something was wrong and it was urgent, Nathalie would fix it right now.

Thankfully, the blood tests came out normal for a girl her age.

When Nathalie made sure she was alright, she finally made her way to Erwin’s quarters. Both Erwin and Eddie would have probably fallen asleep by now. Everybody sane was asleep at this hour, and she knew she should probably notify someone about Annie, but it didn’t look like Annie would wake up anytime soon. She’d need at least two days to recover – according to Nathalie’s calculations.

Normally, she would be up and running right away – after a moment of getting over the paralysis – but Nathalie gave her a short volume of diazepam. Nathalie didn’t know whether that girl would stir any trouble the second she’d gain consciousness. She could probably shift into a titan and ruin the entire district. So, Nathalie made sure she wouldn’t wake up for at least twenty-four hours.

She was slightly tired when she entered Erwin’s quarters. It was quiet and the only light seemed to come from the bedroom. Nathalie hanged her bag to the coat-stand and she walked through the mildly cracked door of the bedroom, coming to see the sweetest sight she’d ever beheld. Erwin was leaning back against the wooden headboard of their large bed, and Eddie was on top of him.

Eddie had his face buried in his dad’s chest, and Erwin was holding one of Eddie’s bedtime stories in one hand. They had both drifted off to sleep. The book, lay abandoned to Erwin’s side, on the bed. His one hand still lingered there, while the other was protectively holding Eddie by his little back to make sure he wouldn’t fall off his chest.

They were both perfect right there, and for a moment, Nathalie was almost perfect to sleep on the couch and just let them be. Her lips curled up to the brightest smile. The most important people in her life were right into this very room. She knew the world was unstable. She knew a war could come raging in any moment. It could take Erwin away from her again. She knew he had promised to prioritise her and their son. She knew Erwin was a man who kept his promises.

But she also knew that no matter how much she tried to plan ahead, and no matter how many promises she made him make for her… it could all come tumbling down anyway, because that’s what war meant.

So, maybe she shouldn’t waste a single moment away from them both. She should love them, and spend each second of her remaining time, loving them both as if it’d be her last.

Yeah, that sounded good. Nathalie approached them both and she picked her sleepy babyboy in her arms, settling him down on the bed and starting to change him into his comfortable nightclothes with the gentlest moves. She didn’t want to wake him.

Erwin opened his eyes to the sight of her settling Eddie on the bed beside him. She hadn’t noticed him stirring. Nathalie stood in front of that full body mirror that Erwin had had in the room for such a long time, and she started unbuttoning her shirt. She took it off, revealing her incredibly scarred and textured back. It only reminded him of the things she’d been through.

All those reports that Hange had written about his wife’s condition and Erwin hadn’t even taken the time to read them. He didn’t yet know what they had done to her. He didn’t yet know what she had been through, what kept her awake in the nights. Deep down he knew that part of him just didn’t want to know.

Deep down, when it came to her, he was a coward. She had been through things that he didn’t even dare to read about – much less hear those recordings that her psychiatrist had recorded in those cassettes. There was an entire box full of them, sitting in plain sight and untouched somewhere in his office. He had placed a stack of papers on top to make it troublesome for someone to open it. He didn’t want Nathalie seeing this and getting another of her heart-wrenching panic attacks.

But she had more scars than he did, and it genuinely hurt him so much. Especially knowing that it was all his fault.

Erwin noticed her staring at her reflection in the mirror. She traced her fingers on those scars that spread down her neck to her chest, to her heart, to her stomach. She remembered them opening her up there. She pressed her cold fingers to a line that spread on her right ribs, all the way down to her loins. Right there. She winced and withdrew her hand away immediately.

It hurt – or rather – the memory hurt more than anything. They made a monster out of her and there was nothing consensual about it.

Nathalie shook her head and urged herself to think about something else. She unfastened her brown belt. It was leather. She remembered tying herself up with leather whenever she’d lose control. She remembered them tying her down with leather against that god-forsaken bed where they conducted all their experiments on her.

A chill ran up her spine and Nathalie tossed the belt away. Her body shook and she wrapped her arms around her. What was she thinking putting on a belt today? A sob erupted from her throat and Nathalie clamped a hand around her lips to keep herself muffled. For all she knew, Erwin and Eddie were sleeping, and she wouldn’t even dream of waking them up, no matter how painful it all was. Tears ran down her cheeks, and she hadn’t even noticed she was crying in the first place. Crying out of nowhere was something that happened to her way too many times ever since she got back. She couldn’t help it. Most times, she didn’t even know what she was crying about.

Nathalie took off her glasses and she let them drop on the floor. She didn’t care. Maybe soon, she’d join them.

Just when she was about to drop, arms slipped around her, keeping her up effortlessly. Rough fingers pressed on her skin. Warm arms kept her pressed against him. She found her face met with his chest and she caught his shirt, clutching it in her fingers, burying her face into it.

“E- Erwin-”

“Sshh…” Erwin pressed a hand to the back of her head, burying his fingers in her hair and keeping her pressed against his chest “…I got you.”

Nathalie’s tense body instantly relaxed in his arms. She let out a sigh and her body grew limp. The sobs died down and the crying soon stopped. Erwin pulled back to look at her. He cupped her face and ran his thumb across her wet cheeks. How could she be so beautiful even when she cried? Erwin leaned in to kiss whatever trails of tears remained on her cheeks.

He reached down to her neck. He found the innumerable scars all over her. He pressed kisses on each and every one of them. He knew Nathalie’s self-esteem had always been low. He knew that from her perspective, a man like himself marrying a woman like her was a miracle. Especially now, that she was all scarred like this, she had never considered herself uglier. She didn’t even blame him for sleeping with Eleanor.

He hated it.

He wanted her to scream at him. He wanted some reaction out of her. He wanted her to blame him for her insanity. For all the things that he had done to her. But she didn’t. Her being too good for him was his greatest fear. Sometimes he didn’t know whether she was too good or the absolute worst.

“My beautiful girl…” he spoke warmly against her skin. For better or for worse, she was perfect. “…I love you so much…”

Nathalie sighed contently and she threw her head back for him to shower her neck, her chest, with kisses. Her upper body was bare, save for her bra. How could he not ravish her when she was exposed to him? She was perfect. She was more beautiful that he could ever hope to convince her so.

She buried her fingers in his hair, scratching gently and he let out a small groan that reverberated against her skin.

“Do you?”

“I do.”

“Say it.” She clenched her fingers in his hair when he let down a particularly rough bite against her skin. She bit her lip trying to hold back a wince.

“I love you.”

“Say it again.”

“I love you, Nathalie Smith.” Erwin pulled back to look at her. Half-lidded, hazy blue eyes met his own and he looked down at her lips, slightly parted and plump and literally begging for him to kiss her. “I love you even when you’re scarred and traumatised, and insane, and ruined, and messed up in the most terrible way imaginable.”

She let out a soft chuckle and she leaned in to bury her face in his neck and nuzzle into him quietly for a little while.

“I’m glad to know that.” She was grateful because even when she was losing all sanity, and even when she had almost convinced herself she loved another man – even then, Erwin loved her.

She would never make it such a big deal – the fact that he had slept with another woman, even though it was. But her and Erwin’s relationship had finally started to mend. Sure, there were many things that still bothered her, and she kept quiet about them all. But she was certain, that there were many things about her that bothered him too and he wasn’t discussing them with her either. Were they really going to go on like this?

“You are… my greatest happiness… and…” she sighed “my deepest sorrow indeed.”

It felt like she was emphasizing the latter. Erwin felt like he agreed while at the same time, he also wanted to ask her about it. He wanted to find out why she had said that. But he just felt like he already knew. There was something so strange about their relationship. The more hurtful it was, the more they struggled to keep it together.

Erwin buried his fingers in her hair. “You’re… my uprising… and my downfall… indeed.”

Notes:

the next chapter will be the christmas special chapter. it takes place in a modern AU actually. Erwin is a CEO and Nat is a research scientist in his company. This only lasts one chapter of course and there will be a hint about how this fic ends.

Anyways, the next chapter ends with Nat realising that she has loved this man in a past life and it's unbelievably uwu ok I just had to write something uwu that for once isn't angsty lmao

tysm for reading, i'll respond to your awesome comments in the previous chap soon!

Chapter 112: Christmas Special ❄️

Notes:

here it issss yallll have a merry christmas and a happy new year, I hope you like it, it ain't much but its an honest work (yes meme reference)

so far my holidays were ruined cuz im ill but eehhhh all the more reason to sink into the imaginary worlds of my fics

HEADS UP: this chapter drops a hint on how this story ends, lemme know if you figure it out in the comments

enjoy!

Present Day

There was snow everywhere. Yes, it was that time of year again. Honestly, Nathalie had been so focused on her work that she hadn’t even noticed when Summer had ended and Winter began. It was late in the night, but the city was bright. There was that huge Christmas tree at the yard of the building. It was brimming with bright blue lights and there was a huge star on the top. The tree was huge, metallic of course, a special order from the owner of the company. A multinational company that offered a huge variety of products including pharmaceutical research.

The night had fallen, and her coffee had grown cold. It must have been her eighth cup today, but it was never really enough to keep her awake and working.

“Hange! Please, you have to be more careful! You almost got your hand burnt!”

“Shut up, Mobby, and come see this!”

Nathalie chuckled at the familiar sounds. There was always that familiar bickering between those two. Moblit being overly worried and Hange being overly reckless. Nathalie’s two and only friends since her university years. Nathalie was writing a report on her lab book. Today’s results were promising. She was certain that by January they would already be at the process of developing a drug that targeted breast cancer cells.

“…that would mean a 23% of cell viability when treated with 0.0156 millimolar…” Moblit too was writing things down on his own lab book and Hange was counting cells on a haemocytometer beneath her microscope.

They were the three leading scientists of that research, the newer researchers had left for the day. It was the final day of work. It was the 20^th of December and everybody was planning to take the next week off to meet up with their families and loved ones.

Not Nathalie though. Nathalie always spent Christmas and New Year’s in a lab. She did not have a family. She didn’t have people to spend the holidays with. Maybe that’s how deep down she hated all holidays. She hated coming to realise that she was alone. So she sank in her research and she focused solely on that. Science would never leave her alone.

“Alright, Nat, Moblit and I got a date.” Nathalie looked up, giving a smile at Hange and Moblit who had finally cleared their benches. They had taken off their lab coats and put on their warm coats to walk out. “We’ll be heading out. I’ll text you.” Hange gave her a smile.

“Have fun you two.” Nathalie grinned and waved at them as they both walked out of the room, to take the elevator that would take them around thirty stories down.

That’s how far up the laboratories were.

Nathalie resumed her work. She was happy for both Moblit and Hange. They just made each other so happy, but Nathalie couldn’t help but long for something like that of her own. Alas, she didn’t have the time for anything like a relationship – or that’s what she told herself at least.

Nathalie wasn’t the only person hard at work at this hour. Far up, on the top floor of the skyscraper was the owner and establisher of the Smith Corporation. Sleeves rolled all the way up his elbows. Messy blonde hair and blue eyes stared behind the glasses that rested at the bridge of his nose. He had loosened up his tie. The only light in his office was that lamp by his desk. All that paperwork and all those emails to address – Erwin was about to strike a deal worth billions. There was no way he could rest this Christmas either.

But seeing as it was around 2 am in the morning, he decided he wouldn’t sleep in that couch in his office tonight. He would actually go home tonight, not that he’d find someone waiting for him though. No, he would only find an empty, cold apartment.

Erwin put on his black coat and took his bag, gathering everything necessary into it, before taking the elevator downstairs. The elevator made a stop at floor thirty and a woman walked in. She merely gave him a kind smile, before pressing the button for the ground floor. She had what looked like a lab coat thrown around her one arm, and her brown leather bag. Erwin didn’t think much of it. They both walked through the path on the sidewalk that led to the parking lots.

Maintenance workers had made sure to drop salt on the streets and around the building to melt the snow. There was a chilly breeze outside and snow had fallen on every rooftop, every tree. There was a large, open space of parking lots outside the building for employees, and there were but two cars alone left, his own and… that other woman’s, so it seemed.

Now that I think about it… he had completely forgotten that it was 2 am. It was so strange to know that he wasn’t the only one working till so very late. All of his employees were to leave from work at 5 pm and some others at even 3 pm. She had a lab coat. Maybe she was one of his researchers. It would make sense if this was her last day of work before the holidays. Maybe she had things to wrap up.

Erwin didn’t think much of it again. He watched her get safely in her car first, before proceeding to do the same.

The next day, less people came to work. Most were already travelling away and Erwin had a meeting with another corporate’s CEO. It was as busy as it could get. The business meeting went splendidly though. Erwin was asked to attend a gala after this. He typically stayed for around twenty minutes and then he left. He had things to do. He couldn’t waste his time like this.

And Nathalie hadn’t wasted a single moment. She was already starting test trials on rats with the drug that she and her team had come up with. It was 1 am when Nathalie realised, she was out of colony plates. She was pretty sure the lab on floor forty-three would have some spare ones. As always, she was alone in the lab at this hour, and she doubted there was anyone else in that building right now.

She took the elevator upstairs and after she got what she wanted, she took it downstairs again to return to her lab. The elevator stopped at floor thirty-eight with a pack of papers in his hug. Erwin had run out of papers. He pressed the button for the top floor – which was the only floor accessed by the CEO, but Nathalie didn’t even notice. She was staring at the screen of her phone. Erwin stood behind her. She had opened the calculator on her phone and she had written down one huge equation that he had no idea what it was for.

She was wearing her lab coat. White and big, reaching down to the level of her knees. She wore circular, nerdy glasses and her brown hair were short, just above her shoulders. Short and messy and some fell on her forehead and some others flew in the air. Her eyes were big and a bright blue and her lips were plush and pink. She was… beautiful, a little too short compared to him. Her head would barely reach his chest if she was to stand in front of him. She was wearing a light blue shirt and a dark blue, knee-length skirt. Her card hung by her neck.

Nathalie H. Burgess

Biotechnologist, PhD

Smith Corps, Department of Research and Development.

So her name was Nathalie Burgess. She had a second name he wouldn’t dare ask about. It was strange enough that she was there again at this late hour. She should be home sleeping. She had dark circles around her eyes. She mustn’t have slept more than three hours the previous night and the night before that. He was just as exhausted as she was, but he was the CEO and it made sense to be tired. He had devoted his life to this corporation.

Maybe she too had devoted her life to this research. Conducting research under the Smith corporation was no small feat. Nathalie was proud to be working at such a huge company, but she had never met the CEO, so she had no idea how he looked like. Most employees never met him. Maybe he’d show up on TV and social media, but she never opened her TV and she never had time to scroll through any social media. It was all a waste of time. All she did was work and it was what she did best. Her communication with her work outside the lab was minimal.

Nathalie walked out of the elevator, and Erwin was left watching her. The clacking sound of her short, black heels left him wondering why the hell wasn’t she home resting? There was nothing wrong with overtime, if anything, she got paid more, but he doubted that money was what she was after. She was a scientist. A biotechnologist.

Erwin decided to look her up on the corporate files in his computer. There was no way he could know all of his employees, but this particular one caught his eye. She had quite the impressive CV. She had done so much research, all of it published in so many famous scientific journals. She had worked for so many pharmaceutical companies in such short time. She was thirty-six years old now, and he, forty-two, just a little older than her.

They both retreated from work at exactly 2 am for the next three days.

It was Christmas Eve now, or more accurately, Christmas Day, 3 am in the morning and Erwin doubted she was in the lab today. There’s no way. Still he checked. She was working on floor thirty. She had most definitely left to go home by now.

Erwin walked in the lab, and the lights were on. He frowned. She was here. She had passed out by the bench on top of what looked like her lab book. Her glasses were smashed between her head and the lab counter.

Why was she doing this to herself? Why all that loyalty to this job? It explained her impressive CV, and he could understand the need to climb up on a career so high and become the best of the best. And she was the best of the best. She had recommendations from everywhere before entering his company. He, of all people, could understand why she wanted a huge career.

All he had been chasing after ever since he was a teenager was his career. But after he reached the age of forty, and even got past it, he realised, he was lonely. He could have had any woman he wanted, but he’d still be lonely. He had no one to spend Christmas Eve with. He had no wife, no kids, no family. Both his parents had died a long time ago. He really had no one, and that career of his that he had struggled so much for, wasn’t nearly as fulfilling as a family would have been.

What was the point of all this wealth if he had no one to spend it with?

Maybe she too had no one, or maybe she too was a true career woman.

What should he do? She was clearly exhausted so he did not want to wake her, but that was obviously a terrible position to sleep in. She would be cramped all over in the morning. What should he do? He had a blanket and a perfectly comfortable couch in his office. Wouldn’t it be too much to take her to it though?

Should he take her back home?

I don’t know where she lives.

Should he take her back to his apartment?

No. Bad idea. She would misunderstand things.

What do I do?

Leaving her there was out of question. He wasn’t one to treat his employees like this. He sighed. Taking her to his couch seemed to be the safest option, and that’s what he did. He took her to his office and he laid her down on his dark green couch. He settled her head on one of the pillows and he took off her glasses and her heels for her. He didn’t take off her lab coat though. He didn’t want to invade her privacy in any way. He just wanted her to be comfortable.

He threw his blanket on top of her and she shifted into it with a sigh of satisfaction. A small smile spread on his lips. She was so beautiful like this. A peaceful expression on her pretty face. Pink, plush lips pressed into a thin line. A lock of hair rested on the left side of her forehead. It made her so beautiful, but it must have been uncomfortable.

Erwin brushed it away from her forehead as gently as he could, afraid to wake her. So beautiful. He probably had to leave and go home, but in three hours he would resume working so there was no point. Plus, she would panic if she woke up and found herself sleeping on a different place than the one she fell asleep to.

But maybe, that was the first Christmas Eve in so many years that he didn’t spend alone.

Erwin went back to his desk, and he tried to concern himself with something else. He tried to work for a little while until he too retreated on the other couch across her own. He didn’t have a spare blanket, but that was alright.

She needed it more than he did.

It was morning when she woke up, but she woke up from a nightmare. A terrible nightmare, that he had no idea what it was, but she gasped and snapped out of her sleep, and wept loudly. Erwin’s eyes snapped open and he rushed to her. What was the matter? Was she okay?

Nathalie wiped the tears from her eyes and when she looked at him, she seemed to recognise him this time. She grasped his shirt and tugged him close.

“I’m sorry!” Tears streamed down her cheeks. “I’m so sorry I left you.” She hugged him tightly. No one had ever hugged him so tight. She clutched on his shirt and she wept on his shoulder. “I’m so sorry, I… I should have never left you…”

He had no idea what she meant. Maybe it was her nightmare. He wrapped his arms around her though and he cooed at her to calm down. Yeah, it was definitely just a nightmare. She calmed down gradually.

“It was just a nightmare.” He said, but she shook her head clutched on him harder.

It felt more than just a nightmare. It felt real. A woman that looked like her and a man who looked like him. A great man she had fallen in love with. A man who loved her.

A man she left.

Was it all just a nightmare? Or did all of it happen? Sometime in the past or somewhere far, far away? What was this?

When Nathalie realised what she was doing, she pulled away from him immediately. This was just a nightmare. She took her glasses and her heels, and she rushed out.

“You’re right, it was just a nightmare, please, forgive me, but I must go.”

“Wait, Nathalie-!”

Erwin didn’t get to ask anything. She was out of his office before he knew it. She hadn’t even questioned where she was, or who he was and how she woke up on that couch. What a strange woman.

She had definitely piqued his interest though.

What had she seen in that nightmare? What did she mean when she said I’m sorry? He had no idea what she had apologised for. Maybe he should talk to her, but he didn’t seem to get himself to go after her. He didn’t have the courage neither the time for this. He had a meeting in a few minutes. He had to get ready. Maybe he would ask her about it in the night. He was certain he’d find her in the late night.

And he did. Nathalie Burgess was once again in her beloved lab. Maybe he shouldn’t be there. She seemed to be hard at work, even though it was Christmas, and it would soon be the day after Christmas day. It was snowing heavily outside, threatening to block the streets in a fat layer of snow. Erwin doubted he’d be able to go home today, but there was something oddly satisfying knowing that maybe tonight he would be stuck in that building with her. She wouldn’t be able to escape his curiosity.

“Dr Burgess.” Erwin drew her attention at last.

For a moment he thought she’d be so immersed in her research that she wouldn’t have heard him. But she did. She pulled her bright blue eyes away from the microscope and she looked up at him. She tensed up right away. Only today had she realised that this man was her boss. This unbelievable man was the CEO. At first, she thought it’d be some old man who had been working his entire life and was now leaving some Vice President of the company to run things behind.

But no, the CEO was one of the youngest men to own such a huge company. She made her own little research on him. It was embarrassing. She would leave the building at the same hour with that man and she had no idea he was her boss. He never told her either.

Sneaky bastard.

“S- Sir, please, excuse me for my behaviour today morning, it was horribly thoughtless of me to-”

“What did you see in that nightmare?”

Erwin got straight to the point. He always told himself he barely had any time for anything less. He would go back upstairs to his office after that interaction, or he’d keep her company if she asked for it.

How was she supposed to answer that question?

She chuckled nervously and tried to look anywhere but him. “I- It was just a nightmare. A pointless nightmare. Pay no mind, sir. I am alright now. Thank you for letting me sleep on your couch last night. It was very thoughtful of you.”

She wasn’t going to answer his question. Fine. He wouldn’t push her if she didn’t want to. Maybe she had had a traumatic experience at some point in her life. Something deep and personal that he wouldn’t dare invade.

“You’re hard at work every single day…” Erwin turned to head for the door before turning to look at her, motioning for her to follow him “…let me offer you a drink.”

She couldn’t really refuse. He was her boss after all. Nathalie followed him. She didn’t even take her lab coat off. She only hoped this wouldn’t take long. She had work to do.

They took the elevator all the way down to the cafeteria. It was closed, but Erwin was certain he could find out where everything was stored in the cupboards. There was a Christmas tree, decorated in yellow lights and a bright red ribbon. The tables were all empty, but this is where everybody used to have their lunch breaks. Erwin stood behind the counter, pulling out a bottle of whiskey from the cupboard that stored all kinds of alcoholic drinks. The lights were low. Nathalie settled on a tall bench by the counter.

Erwin brought two heavy glasses, pouring a bit of the honey-coloured whiskey. She tasted it. It burned, but she was so accustomed to alcohol, it almost felt like water on her tongue. It brought warmth though. Such a wonderful contrast to the freezing cold weather outside. Erwin settled on the bench on her opposite, behind the counter. It was almost surprising how easily she seemed to chug down that particular whiskey. A seventeen-year-old Tamnavulin, shipped directly from Scotland.

“When do your day-offs start?” Erwin asked after a short moment of silence between them.

Nathalie licked her lips. She sighed. “I haven’t taken any day-offs for this Christmas,” not for any Christmas in most of her years.

Erwin arched an eyebrow. Was she out of day-offs? No, in her records, it showed that she hadn’t even taken a single day-off of work since the start of the year. He brushed his fingers across the rim of his glass. A small smile spread on his lips. She was just as workaholic as he was.

“I don’t have anyone to spend Christmas with either.” Erwin said, and he looked up at her. His blue eyes met her own warmly. “I’d be happy to spend it with you.”

She didn’t know what it was but, the look that he was giving her, it felt familiar. A tingly feeling spread beneath her chest and she doubted the warmth she felt right now was just the cause of the alcohol. She looked down and away from him shyly. Spending the holidays with someone? That was just an unattainable dream that had suddenly become attainable.

“The story… of a woman and a man…” she finally spoke after a huge moment of silence. Only now was she answering his question “…who loved each other so deeply… but no matter how much they struggled” she shook her head “it did not end well.”

What a peculiar dream. Would it be too foolish of him to speculate that he was that man and she was that woman? It was the only way to explain why she had grasped him and apologised for leaving him over and over. It was the only explanation.

“Well, then…” Erwin took another sip from his whiskey “…let’s make sure that we end things right this time.”

Notes:

a love so strong that transcends lifetimes and universes uwu

Sneak Peek on the Next Chapter

basically nat and erwin convincing annie to join their side

Chapter 113: Another Titan-Shifter On Our Side

Notes:

not sure if the biology i explain in this chap is correct but bear with me lmao

tysm for the awesome support yalllll

enjoy!

Headache. Her throat felt unbelievably dry, and her forehead just radiated with pain. So did the rest of her body. She had read well the consequences of the hardening and its toll on the human body. Dammit. Annie opened her eyes. The light felt blinding at first. Too blinding. She blinked several times, trying to get her eyes to adjust to the morning light that she hadn’t gazed upon in four years. Four entire years. Has it already been that long?

She looked around her. She was in a white room. It looked like the infirmary of the Survey Corps HQ in Trost. Her eyes landed on a familiar person. Armin was sitting on a chair, legs and arms crossed. His head had rolled on the side. His eyes closed. He had cut his hair. Annie found they suited him better this way. He had grown. He wasn’t the fifteen-year-old boy she remembered. Now, he was a man. He was wearing black trousers and a light blue shirt buttoned up and stuffed within.

Why was he sitting there? Why was he beside her? Why did he visit her every day for four years? Why? Annie shut her eyes and she shook her head. No. There was nothing behind this. There was no answer to those questions. She had done things. Terrible things. Honestly, she hoped nobody would break her out of that crystal. But then it was her. Annie remembered her blood running cold and her eyes widening when she learned about the Burgess that roamed around the halls of the Survey Corps HQ.

That Burgess was a major obstacle in their plans four years ago. But now? That woman had been visiting her almost every day with Armin and they’d keep her company, and she had absolutely no reason to. Heck, Annie remembered clearly wiping out her entire squad, her friends.

This world was cruel. A tear ran down her cheek. The guilt, feeling heavy beneath her chest. How the hell was she supposed to face those people now? She had killed so many of them. What were they going to do to her now that she was out of her protective little cage?

“Annie?” Armin’s voice came. He had found her in the infirmary the previous night by accident, but Nathalie had left a note there, saying that she had figured out. She said that Annie was healthy and should awake in the next morning. And so, she did, and Armin waited. He didn’t really know why he waited. He just… did.

A small whimper snapped him out of his sleep right away. He hadn’t left her side, not once. He hadn’t even realised he had slept right there on that uncomfortable chair. But there was no way he was leaving her alone, even though he knew she was safe, and no one would dare harm her.

He had made sure of that himself. He had fought hard to relieve her of all charges. It was no easy feat.

Still, he noticed the tears running down her cheeks. She was keeping her eyes shut. Fingers clenched in painful fists. She had to get out of here. She had to run. She had to save herself. She had to go back and fulfil her promise to her father. Was he even alive? Did she even have someone to go back to?

Armin stood up and approached her right away. She felt the weight of his body sitting beside her by the edge of the bed. Warm hands found her face. Rough thumbs wiped away the tears from her cheeks and she opened her eyes finally looking up at that utterly worried look on his face.

“Are you okay? What is it? How are you feeling? Are you in pain somewhere-”

“I need to get out of here,” Annie tried to stand in a seated position and she winced at the effort. Her limbs barely responded to the movement after being paralysed for so long. “I need to leave. What are they gonna do to me? Are they going to experiment on me? They’re going to kill me, I need to get out of here-”

“No one’s going to harm you, Annie, listen to me-”

“I’ve killed too many of your people, of course they’re going to-”

“Annie, look at me,” Armin cut her and bright blue, tear-filled eyes met his own. There was no way she was safe. There was no way they weren’t going to do something to her. But Armin’s eyes had that determination, that reassurance in them. A look she hadn’t received from anyone. “No one’s going to harm you. I’ve made sure of that. All charges against you have been lifted. You’re free to leave if that’s what you wish,”

She shook her head. More tears came running down her cheeks. “Why did you… why did you visit me every day, Armin, why?” She asked and he did not give her an answer for that.

Armin pulled her in a tight hug. His arms, tight around her as she buried her face in his neck. A sob erupted from her throat. She couldn’t understand why. Did he… no. No one should feel anything for her. She had killed so many of his friends. So many soldiers. So many good people. Then why the hell was he holding her now? Annie couldn’t tell, but she didn’t want him to let go.

Armin had a smile on his lips as he pressed his cheek on her temple, and he smoothed her golden hair away from her face. “I just thought you’d need the company,” he said simply, even though he had a million things to say. 

༻◊۞◊༺

“She must be awake by now.” Nathalie said, stuffing the entire slice of bread and jam in her mouth, to make sure that she would actually eat her breakfast this time. Eddie was in her lap and once she was done eating her own breakfast really quick, she took his own bowl and brought it in front of him starting to feed him.

He loved milk with those chocolate cookies that she had made two days ago. Many tiny pieces of crumbs had soaked perfectly in the milk that she had brewed him first thing in the morning. Erwin was having his own breakfast. Tea with a slice of bread and jam. He was sitting on the opposite side of the table. The three of them were sharing a table in the Mess Hall. It was very early in the morning and most of the Scouts hadn’t yet woken up.

“Mommy?” Eddie threw his head back to look up at her with huge, blue, curious eyes. “How did you take Aunty Annie out of there?”

“Yeah, that was a question I’ve been meaning to ask too.” Erwin added and Nathalie’s eyes widened.

She couldn’t tell them that she was still that same monster that Malcolm had created in the lab. She couldn’t show them the nails. Terrifying, black nails, as sharp and as animalistic as the nails of a beast. She couldn’t show them the red eyes. Red and angry and chilling. No. She was a mother and a wife. The only Nathalie they should know about should be the warm, sweet, tender woman that was perfect to be Eddie’s mom, and she was perfect to be Erwin’s woman.

But what was she supposed to say?

Nathalie parted her lips to conjure something up. Anything. But much to her greatest luck, two soldiers walked in hastily. It was Jean and Connie. They both seemed stressed.

“C- Commander! Annie’s awake, sir!”

“What are we going to do?!”

“I am aware.” Erwin sipped down whatever was left of his tea, and he stood up. Nathalie looked at them both and she smiled at them.

“Do not worry. I drugged her enough after I took her out last night, so she won’t be able to transform for the next twenty-four hours.” Nathalie eased their worries and both of them calmed down right away.

“Thank goodness.” Connie slumped down on a bench and he sighed in relief.

“Oh boy, what a relief. Armin’s there with her.” Jean rubbed his nape. “If she was to transform, he’d be the first to die.”

“No worries, darling. I would never let that happen.” Nathalie fed Eddie whatever was left in the bowl and she gathered everything on a tray. She stood up and handed Eddie to Erwin before she picked the tray to place it in the kitchen and wash their cups. “Give me a second, honey.” Nathalie pressed a kiss on Eddie’s cheek before she left and Erwin smiled as he watched her.

“What are we going to do, Commander?” Connie asked.

“How did Nat even take her out of there?” Jean wondered out loud.

That wasn’t a question that Erwin could answer. But for now, he had to focus on the matter at hand. Erwin had to talk to Annie and he had to convince her to join their side. Something told him that it wasn’t going to be hard. He had a million things he could say to convince her.

“Nathalie will explain that later. For now, I need to convince Annie to join our side.” Erwin said.

“Daddy?” Eddie looked up at Erwin curiously with his big, blue eyes. “Isn’t Aunty Annie on our side already?”

Erwin smiled at him. “She will be soon.”

Nathalie returned from the kitchen just a minute or two later. She took Eddie back in her arms and Erwin leaned in to press a kiss on Eddie’s forehead.

“I’m going to talk to Aunty Annie now.” Erwin looked at Nathalie. “Why don’t you take our son out for some ice cream?” Erwin gave her a knowing look and Nathalie nodded.

Erwin wanted them to leave the building. He wanted them both to be safe in case Annie transformed and destroyed the entirety of Trost in a matter of seconds. But if that happened, then Erwin would die too. Nathalie didn’t want to think about it. She was somehow sure that Annie wouldn’t transform. Why would she? They had Eren and Armin. They had two titans and one of them was the colossal plus an entire regiment that had been training hard for so many years now and could even take down a titan like Annie. Erwin had done everything he could to have his regiment prepared for anything.

But he still needed to make sure that his family was going to be safe.

“Of course.” Nathalie ignored her neverending thoughts and she nodded at him and forced a smile at Eddie. “Let’s go have some ice cream, darling, alright?”

“Yay!”

Sometimes she envied Eddie’s childish, careless obliviousness. No matter how smart he was, he still lacked experience, and there were still some things that he couldn’t understand. Nathalie and Eddie left and Nathalie smiled at both Connie and Jean on her way out. Jean looked at his Commander. Connie was almost as oblivious as Eddie, but Jean understood.

“Are you not sure that she’ll join us, sir?” Jean asked confusedly. Just a second ago, Erwin seemed to be absolutely positive that he could convince her.

“I am.” Erwin smiled at the boy. Armin wasn’t the only soldier qualified to be a commander one day. Jean was one of them too. “I’m just making sure that my wife and child are safe regardless of the outcome.”

Erwin walked out of the Mess Hall, followed by Jean and Connie. He made his way to the infirmary where he found the entire 104^th there. Annie was once their comrade. Erwin knew that feeling well. When he walked in, he found them all gathered around her, talking to her. Everybody straightened up when they realised the Commander had just walked in. Miche and Hange had joined him on his way. The most high-ranked soldiers in the entire Survey Corps were now in the very room. It made sense the soldiers would tense up.

“Leave us.” Erwin said. “Armin, you stay.”

“Yes, sir!”

The younger soldiers walked out and only Erwin, Hange, Armin and Miche stayed in the room with Annie Leonhardt now. The girl was on her bed and she looked tired but alert all the same. Erwin took a seat on the chair beside her and he pulled a kind smile. She looked stressed and worried. Those were the most high-ranked people in the Survey Corps right now – and it was oddly satisfying to know that Armin was one of them – but they were going to decide her fate. She had to be careful. She couldn’t transform. She had tried. But she was drugged and she was willing to bet that, that Burgess had drugged her.

“How are you feeling?” Erwin asked, almost as if he cared. He had to play the part well. He had to let her know that she was safe amongst them. That she was one of theirs if she wanted to.

“What do you want from me?” Annie asked. This man always wanted something. He was ridiculously smart and manipulative. She had to be careful. He probably wanted to make her pay somehow for the people she had killed that day.

“Nothing.” Erwin shrugged and Miche arched eyebrow try to hold back an incredulous look that he was shooting him. “When you feel better, we’ll let you go back to Marley, to be reunited with your own people.” Erwin sighed and he crossed his arms against his chest. “It is only a matter of time before Marley renounces war on Paradis. Now… I want you to fight on our side, and I do have something to offer in return, but I do not expect you to cooperate.” Erwin stood up and he turned to leave, motioning at the other three to follow him.

Hange was checking the serum that they were using to feed her body with all necessary nutrients that it was lacking. “I’ll send someone to change that for you.” Hange said before she followed Erwin out of the room.

Something to offer in return? What was it that he thought she wanted? Erwin Smith was a brilliant man. He couldn’t be wrong about this, but she wanted to believe that he was. Still, she couldn’t shake the curiosity away now.

“Wait.” Annie stopped Erwin – who was at the door and the others had already walked out. Erwin had his back turned on her, but a smile threatened to curl at the corners of his lips. That’s what he was expecting. “I want to hear your offer.”

Erwin turned and looked at her, finally just the two of them inside the room now. He closed the door, and he faced her, keeping that smirk from forming. “Dr Burgess invented a vaccine four years ago. That vaccine rids an Eldian from their ability to turn into a titan.” Her eyes widened. “Simply put, we have a way to convert an Eldian into a normal human.” Erwin explained. “I understand that you must have about six years of life left. I could grant you back your life if you wish to join us in this fight.”

Annie was shocked. She didn’t know whether she could believe him or not. It was too good. There was no way a thing like that existed and if it did, there was no way it worked.

“I don’t believe you.”

Erwin chuckled and he nodded. “I know. That’s why I will prove it to you here and now.”

A knock came on the door. Perfect timing.

“Come in.” Erwin said, knowing already who was behind that door. Nathalie walked in with a suitcase in hand. Eddie was somewhere safe with Eren and Mikasa. The two of them were more than trustworthy to protect their little brother.

“Hello, darling.” Nathalie gave Annie a smile and she laid the suitcase on a nearby counter. “How are you feeling? I shall change your serum in a moment, but for now…” Nathalie opened the suitcase, and she took out a bottle with an all too familiar liquid. She fumbled through the drawers of the counter, and she pulled out a syringe. She started loading the fluid in the syringe and Annie’s eyes widened and she tensed up, sitting upright.

“What the hell are you doing?!”

“Oh? You recognise this?” Nathalie smiled at her. Perfect, pink lips curled up. “Of course, you do. They train cadets to know everything there is on titan biology, correct?” Nathalie asked. The girl did not answer, but that was enough of a response. “Do you know what a transcription factor is?” Nathalie asked, and she began explaining. “A transcription factor is a protein that mediates which genes in your DNA should be expressed and which ones should not. All our cells have the same genetic information in them… then how come there are more than two hundred different cell types in a human body? Transcription factors are what makes your cells differ from one another in shape, size, form, and function.”

Goodness, she was so beautiful when she talked about that. All Erwin wanted to do was kiss that absolutely brilliant, beautiful, perfect woman. That woman was his wife!

“The spinal fluid of a mindless titan is full of a transcription factor that activates the genes that Ymir the Founder has passed down to the Eldian race.” Nathalie finished filling the syringe and she tapped it with her finger. “Now, the spinal fluid of a titan-shifter – capable of shifting in and out of titan form like you – has a protein that not only dissolves that transcription factor… but also the genes that turn people into titans in the first place. And that’s not only on somatic cells, but on germ cells as well meaning that a vaccinated Eldian can produce non-Eldian offspring.” Nathalie approached Erwin, who had pulled up his sleeve to his elbow. “Which means, I have figured out a way to put an end to the Eldian Race, but without killing the Eldian people.”

Nathalie injected Erwin with the fluid, and Annie was ready to run off any moment, but nothing happened. Erwin did not shift. He had been vaccinated, just like everybody else on this island right now. Erwin had worked hard to protect Paradis from the outside threats, and the Queen had worked harder to convince the people to actually take the vaccine.

Erwin did not shift, and Annie weighed her priorities.

“I will help you.”

Notes:

Sneak Peek on the Next Chapter:

"You failed to kill Erwin Smith and now you dare show up to me and say that you can compensate?!" The infuriated General slammed a hand on his wooden table. "Get out of my sight-!"

"Erwin Smith has a wife and child!" Eleanor spilled it out and his eyes widened.

A family that no one knew about. It was smart of him to keep his personal life a secret. It was the only way he could do whatever he wanted. A man with no weaknesses and nothing to lose was a dangerous man.

But turned out that Erwin Smith wasn’t all that dangerous after all.

Chapter 114: The Thin Line Between Genius and Insanity

Notes:

I AM ALIVE ladies and gentlemen and x 🥰🥰🥰🥰 sorry for my idek how long absence but this tired bitch is back with another chapter that literally starts another arc oh my gawd will this fic ever end?

it's finished inside my head, the only issue is writing it dkmlefjre BUT I WILL write it MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT- no it doesn't, but you get it

so, nat is such a great character, that I've been writing an original book with nat as the protagonist that takes place in the 50s with time-travelling and nazis and russians and cold war stuff and secret military bases and special operations and a bit of mafia too LMAO and of course a love triangle cuz we need that SPICE am i right? Would you guys read that original book of mine? Lemme know in the comments.

enjoy!

“It is our duty as their allies to stand by them in the crisis they face right now. I suggest we send reinforcements.”

“Commander Smith, the war between Fort Slava and Marley is none of our concerns.” General Joseph said.

All of the high-ranked military officers were gathered in the main hall in the capital with the Premier and the Queen sitting in the midst. Historia had grown into an admirable Queen. Her hair was beautiful, pulled back into a blonde bun and her eyes were a bright blue as she listened to the entire conversation made by the members of the military of Paradis.

“It is. Marley is our mortal enemy and right now it is occupied with many wars that it’s ranging against smaller countries. Those smaller countries are our allies. If we do not help our allies, then they will not help us when Marley turns against us.” Erwin explained logically.

“And what do you recommend we do, Erwin?” Premier Zackly asked.

“We send reinforcements. Eventually Fort Slava will fall, but we’ll send enough to show that Paradis is a reliable ally. At the same time,” Erwin looked at the Queen. “I need your permission to proceed with the mission I’m planning on Liberio the day of William Tybur’s announcement.”

“I refuse!” General Joseph hit a hand on the table in front of him and he stood up, turning to look at the queen who stood at the highest seat in the midst of the hall. “Your Majesty, we can in no way spill anymore Eldian blood on both cases! We need to gather as much ammunition as we can, and we need to keep our armies intact and in position. We cannot afford to send people elsewhere, considering Marley could attack us any moment!”

“I agree with General Joseph.” Admiral Jacob stood up as well. “It is not wise to mobilise our troops right now, your Majesty.”

“The Garrison stands with Commander Smith,” Commander Pyxis stood up. “As much as I prefer peace, we have stayed idle for four years now. If it weren’t for Commander Smith’s massive efforts to earn those allies, then we would have been completely armless in this war.”

“But Pyxis, you can’t-!”

“I agree.” Historia finally spoke, shutting everybody up. “Commander Erwin Smith has given immeasurable efforts into forming our alliance with twenty-five countries. If Marley chooses to attack us – and they will – our allies are the only ones who can help us, considering Marley’s alliance greatly exceeds our own in terms of number of countries and technological prowess.”

Historia stood up. The meeting was coming to an end and honestly, she couldn’t wait to get out of there. Watching all of those people fight, making it more than obvious that it was bothering them the fact that she was favouring Commander Erwin over everyone else – she didn’t really have a choice. If she had let things up to them, they would have been completely idle. Sitting ducks waiting to be slain. If it weren’t for Erwin, they would have done no progress whatsoever.

“Commander Erwin Smith, you have my permission to do as you see fit. Dismissed.” Historia left, followed by the Premier, who nodded in agreement as well and a small smile spread on Erwin’s lips, but he pulled it away immediately.

General Joseph stormed out of the room furiously. It didn’t make sense to weaken their armies for the sake of another country that wouldn’t even be left standing by the time Marley was done with it. This was just another gamble that Erwin was putting, and everybody had started to realise that Erwin was a man who was getting high on gambling their home and their lives.

And the Queen seemed to favour that utterly manipulative man. There was the rumour that Historia Reiss became a Queen just because Erwin put her there and it made sense, since the girl was abiding by every wish this man made during her entire reign so far.

“Dammit!” The general slammed some folders on the wooden desk of his office. It was a large office in the same military headquarters. “That wretch had one job!”

It didn’t take a while when a knock came on the door and Eleanor walked in with an emotionless look on her face. She should have been on her knees begging for forgiveness. Begging him not to kill her little sister who had been his prisoner for four years now. But Eleanor was emotionless like she had always been. She had been forced to be his eyes and ears in the Survey Corps. General Joseph wasn’t the only one who was against Erwin Smith’s antics. Even though they were all high-ranked military officials, the Queen seemed to treat this man as if he was outranking them all while that was far from the truth. If the Queen wasn’t willing to do anything to save Paradis, then some other people were willing to take risks.

Erwin Smith had taken down the previous government and everybody agreed with that, but now he had set up his own oppressive government that he was leading it all on his own. The Queen was merely his puppet. He was just one, low-ranked military official who just seemed to run everything.

Why give so much power to just one man? Erwin was in charge of their borders. He was in charge of their relations with the outside world, the training of the new troops, the production of new ammunition and new technological vehicles. Erwin had influence over all of their newspapers and all radio frequencies. Erwin was appointed the magistrate of two out of three Industrial Cities within Wall Rose and on top of it all, he was the Commander of one of their three military divisions. Everything he ever said in gatherings with the Queen was not even once met with obstacles, and it was approved without any complications of the usual bureaucracy.

Why so much power for a single man?

A man who had refused to leave the Survey Corps and become a General. Erwin had refused so many times to climb the ranks. He could have been a General or an Admiral right now. He could have even succeeded the Premier and he could have been standing alongside the Queen, but there was no point for any of that, was there?

He had more power than a General right now anyway.

“You dare show up to me right now when you’ve failed to do the simplest job?!” The infuriated old man slammed a hand on his desk when the young woman stood in front of him with that emotionless look on her face.

Eleanor pursed her lips. She didn’t have much to say. She had come up with a plan, but she didn’t know whether it’d be enough. Everything she had done the past days was just instructions she had received from that old man. She didn’t really have a choice considering he used everything she had to blackmail her. Why the hell would she want to kill Erwin? He was the only boss she had ever had who had treated her with respect. At least, when he slept with her, he made sure it was pleasurable for her too. Most female assistants her age in the military did not have that same luxury with their bosses.

“I failed, but I can compensate.” Eleanor said, keeping her head down.

“Really? And how will you do that? What can worth more than Erwin Smith’s life?” Joseph arched an eyebrow. “I doubt you can compensate, my dear. I should have killed you and your sister both a long time ago.” The man stood up and made his way to the door to give the order. He’d just have both of them killed and be done with it. He had no time to deal with a useless, ungrateful brat. “Now, get out of my sight-”

“Erwin Smith has a wife and child.” Eleanor spilled it out and the man was left stuck halfway through the door. His eyes widened and his fingers gripped the doorknob. He twisted it closed and he turned and looked at her dumbfounded.

“What?!”

“He has a wife and child and he’s desperately been keeping it a secret ever since they got back, but-”

“They got back from where?!”

Eleanor pursed her lips. She didn’t want to do this. But yet again, she didn’t have a choice. She was putting a family in danger, but she was about to lose whatever was left of her own family. She weighed her priorities. Erwin Smith was a man with power. He could protect his family. That was her only way to protect her own.

“His wife… his wife is a Burgess. She spent the last four years in the Burgess Asylum in Marley, but he rescued her…” Eleanor approached the man, her strong act wavered. She dropped on her knees, and she grasped his hand, pulling by the sleeve. “I tried to poison him. I tried to do everything you asked, but it didn’t work because we hadn’t considered a Burgess in the equation and there’s nothing that I can do to fool her, so please, show mercy!”

“He’s got… a wife and child…”

Whatever Eleanor said right now, that was the only thing that the man had heard. For the first time in four years, he had finally found a weakness in Erwin Smith’s strong demeanour. A family. It was no wonder that Erwin had tried his absolute hardest to hide his family from the rest of the world. It only confirmed that he actually had control over all newspapers and radio frequencies. Erwin Smith had control over everything, so it was probably no big deal for him to keep hidden a story that more than a handful of journalists would’ve died to write about.

Erwin Smith’s wife and child. A family that no one knew about.

It was smart of him to keep his personal life a secret. It was the only way he could do whatever he wanted. A man with no weaknesses and nothing to lose was a dangerous man.

But it turned out that Erwin Smith wasn’t all that dangerous after all.

If he could get his hands on both the woman and the child, then Erwin Smith would finally bend to someone’s will.

A knock came on the door and Eleanor picked herself up on her feet and composed herself. “Your tea, General.” A woman’s voice came from behind. Probably one of the many servants of the Central Military Headquarters.

“Come in.” The General walked back to his desk with a smirk of satisfaction on his face. He sat back down, and he pulled a paper to write a letter. He had people to mobilise. People who were going to help him get his hands on both the Burgess and the child.

The servant walked in. A short woman, in the white, black attire that everybody in the kitchen wore. She walked in with a tray in her hands and she laid the teacup on the desk beside him.

“Anything else, sir?”

“No, thank you.” The man said and she nodded and walked out. He took a sip from the tea, and he sighed in satisfaction. “You and your sister are no longer of any use to me. I’ll return her to you and you two may continue your lives.”

Eleanor’s eyes widened and she bowed in respect and gratefulness. “Thank you, sir! Thank you so much, you will never hear from us again, I swear-”

“Just leave. I have work to do.” The old man waved away her useless gratitude and she nodded and left hastily.

The old man took another sip from his tea, then another, and another. It didn’t take too long when he started not feeling well. He was coughing up blood before he knew it. Warm, liquid crimson had now ruined the letter than he had almost finished writing with such precision. Soon, he collapsed on his desk, drowning in his own blood, dying slowly and painfully.

The last thing he looked at was that bloody cup of tea. Whatever they had brewed in that tea, was poisonous and he was about to die.

༻◊۞◊༺

“General Joseph has been found dead in his office today.”

The door slammed open and Miche delivered the news. Erwin was sitting on his desk and Nathalie was writing things with a white chalk on his green board. It was something about DNA and base pairs that Miche didn’t even try to understand what it was. Nathalie was holding Eddie in her hug with her other arm and she was explaining him things.

“Uncle Miche!” Eddie cried out excitedly, completely ignoring the fact that a man had died today.

Miche smiled at him. “Hey, little man.” He looked at Nathalie who gave him a smile. “Nat, maybe the kid shouldn’t hear this.”

Nathalie parted her lips to speak but Eddie cut him. “It’s alright. I’ve seen dead bodies before.” Eddie turned and looked up at him mom. “Mommy? When am I gonna do my first dissection?”

Miche’s eyes widened and he visibly cringed. Being a four-year-old Burgess, asking to dissect a dead human body certainly wasn’t normal and from a stranger’s perspective it was creepy, but Miche had to remind himself that he was part Burgess and part Smith. Neither of his parents was normal.  

“Not yet, darling.” Nathalie smiled up at her baby. “The ideal age is seven.”

That doesn’t make it any better. Miche rubbed his forehead and what was most weird was that smirk on Erwin’s lips. A family of weirdos.

“You didn’t kill him, did you?” Miche spoke, trying to return to the subject.

Erwin finally urged himself to focus on the matter at hand. “Oh, you mean General Joseph?”

“You had a fight with him today morning. He died right after.” Miche said. “People might suspect you.”

“Erwin has alibis.” Nathalie arched an eyebrow. Let them suspect whatever they want. “Erwin returned to the Survey Corps HQ right after and we’ve been together ever since.”

“I know but…” Miche sighed and looked at Erwin “…did you do it?”

Erwin shook his head. “No. He posed no threat to me. I had no reason to.”

“Good.” Miche nodded and he turned to leave. “I’ll let you know if anything else comes up.”

“Thank you, Miche.”

Miche left the room, closing the door behind and Erwin brought a hand to his chin. He needed to think. Who would do something like that? It was true that Joseph was of no threat to him. Actually, no one in the high ranks of the military was a threat. Most followed his lead and very few of them actually caused some resistance. Erwin was merely doing what was best for Paradis and he had the support of the people.

“Erwin,” Nathalie drew his attention, and only then did he realise that she was no longer holding Eddie.

Their little boy was on the couch, studying a large book sprawled out on the tea table, and Nathalie’s hands were finally free. She approached him and stood beside him. She placed a hand on his shoulder, and he took it in his own.

“If there’s anything I can do to help…” she gave him a sweet smile and he smiled up at her, squeezing her fingers in his own.

“I’ll let you know.” Erwin reassured her. He wasn’t going to bother her at all. She was too busy home-schooling and raising their son.

And he was a busy man himself.

Alas he didn’t know, the person who had killed that man was in the very same room.

Notes:

“In two days’ time, there is a mission I will have to lead.” Erwin started the big explanation. He had to keep it honest, and simple.

“Is it going to be dangerous?” Eddie asked before Erwin was able to say anything more.

“Yes.” Honest and simple.

[...]

“Papa ‘win,” Eddie tugged on Erwin’s white shirt to draw his dad’s attention. “Mommy and I spent four years without you. If anything happens to you in that mission… we’ll make it without you. We’ve done it before.”

Chapter 115: Silenced

Notes:

I know I haven't posted anything in so long but it's been a difficult summer, first with wildfires burning my hometown, and then going back and forth to hospitals cuz my dad had an accident and I haven't written anything in so long

This chap was prewritten and I've been keeping it unpublished cuz I always like to be a couple of chapters ahead of what I'm posting, but many of y'all have reached out to me for this fic and I don't wanna keep y'all waiting any longer

I'll try my best to finish this fic. If anything, the plot is complete (in my head) so even if I don't get to write it, I'll post a rough outline of what happens and how it ends

Thanks to everybody for your patience. This chap is not too interesting, but pls enjoy

The poor soldier ran. He had to take the paper to Admiral Klaus fast. That was a letter meant for him, written by General Joseph right before he died. The letter was bloodstained. Usually, a Military Police soldier had no issue taking his time to deliver a letter. But now it was very early in the morning. It must have been around 5 AM. The sun had yet to rise. There was the soft blue in the sky and a cold breeze that would make anybody shiver. The streets of the capital were absolutely empty.

The boy ran. He was one of the youngest recruits. That errand should have been easy and harmless, until he realised someone was following him all through the streets of the capital. It was a dark form lingering way behind so he tried running to lose them. His rifle wasn’t armed and he didn’t have any bullets on his body right now. The bloody paper of the letter was folded neatly in a folder, sealed with wax that bore the signature of General Joseph. He had it in the inner pockets of his green, Military Police coat.

With every hasty step, he turned to see where his stalker was. They were getting closer, and closer. He made a turn to escape them, but he realised that narrow road at the back of a building led to a dead end. He was panting by the time he took a glance of the tall, stone wall of another building. There was no way he could climb. It was way far up. The boy turned to look and his eyes widened. His breath hitched halfway his throat and his body stood frozen.

She was there. It looked like a woman, but he couldn’t tell who she was. She was dressed in black utterly, and a long black cloak was keeping her figure covered. The hood covered half her face. She approached him without so much as a word. The boy took a few steps back till his back met the cold wall.

“Who are you?! What do you want with me?!” He took the rifle from his shoulder and tried bluffing. “I will shoot you! Stand back! Stand back!!”

She snapped his neck with a fast, effortless move and he came dropping down dead. No blood. No mess. Just a dead body that she would later discard somewhere that no one would ever find. She took the letter from the inner pocket of his coat and she tucked it in her own.

Now she had to get rid of the body.

༻◊۞◊༺

Erwin used to wake up early in the morning, every day. Sometimes he didn’t even sleep on the bed and Nathalie had come in terms with that long ago. Today, when he woke up at around 6 am, Nathalie wasn’t on the bed. Eddie was lying beside him in the middle of the bed and usually Nathalie would have been at the other side. They both kept Eddie between them to make sure that he wouldn’t fall on either side, but for once, Nathalie wasn’t there. Erwin trusted her. She wouldn’t be gone without a reason. Maybe she had something to do, but why hadn’t she told him about it last night at least?

Erwin couldn’t leave Eddie alone. He could probably get Hange or Moblit to look after him for some time, but… where is she? Her glasses were resting by her nightstand so he doubted she had left the building. She could barely see anything without her glasses.

Erwin looked down at his son as he so cutely slept soundly. A smile spread on his lips, brushing the blonde hair of his babyboy out of his little forehead. Erwin pressed a kiss on top of Eddie’s head before he stood up and started getting dressed. Nathalie entered the room before long. She had a mug of tea in her one hand and a frown on her face. The tea looked steaming hot and strangely she wasn’t holding it from the handle.

It was… odd. Wasn’t her hand burning up?

Erwin was buttoning his shirt by the time she entered, and he turned from the mirror to look at her. She seemed to be down.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” Erwin approached her.

“I think I got a sore throat,” Nathalie pouted in protest and Erwin nodded. Her voice did sound a little bit hoarse. So that’s why she had woken up earlier. He approached her and placed the palm of his gigantic hand on her forehead to check for her temperature.

“You’re not having a fever though, are you?” Erwin’s hand slipped down her cheek and she shook her head.

“No.” Nathalie leaned on his hand on her cheek and closed her eyes slightly.

She left the tea on a nearby wooden furniture and she placed her hands on his bare chest, sneaking them beneath his still half open shirt and she pressed her cheek on top of his skin, closing her eyes for a brief moment. A smile spread on his lips and Erwin wrapped his arms around her small body, burying his face in her wonderful hair, taking in her sweet scent.

“My sweet, needy girl.” He whispered against her forehead. His one hand reached for her hair, burying his fingers into them, pulling her head back slightly just to take a look at her wonderful face. She wasn’t wearing her glasses now. They were still by her nightstand.

It was strange though. He knew her eyesight without her glasses was greatly limited. How was she able to navigate herself to the kitchen to make a cup of tea?

Erwin didn’t think much of it though. She was just so beautiful even without her glasses. Actually, she was even more beautiful without her glasses – but it was a sight that he would rarely ever see. She was hazy – probably due to the cold – but her perfect lips were parted, and her blue eyes met his own. Erwin ran his large thumb across her soft cheek, and he tried to lean down to kiss her, but she pressed her hands against his chest, bringing one to his lips to stop him.

“No!” Her eyes widened and she snapped out of it. “You can’t kiss me! You’ll catch it too!”

Erwin chuckled and he trapped her chin between his thumb and index finger. “I don’t mind that, darling.”

Her heart fluttered. “Aw, Erwin, darling, I know you don’t.” She giggled weakly, but mischievously, nonetheless. “I do, though.” And just like that she had escaped his hold so fast, he hadn’t even noticed when she did it. “The saviour of Paradis who’s survived being the Commander of the Survey Corps for more than a decade cannot possibly be allowed to die over a tiny influenza virus!”

Erwin chuckled and caught her hand. It only took a small, barely powerful move to have her face dropping to his chest and his arms securely wrapped around her. He had spent so long agonising over her. Those four years that she was gone had been a nightmare. All he would ever think about was holding her like this to kiss her, love her, have her. Now that she was there, a tiny little issue wasn’t nearly enough to get between them.

Erwin kissed her and he tasted the aroma of the tea that she had been sipping and the sweetness of that one spoon of honey that she would always stir in her tea. And then it was her taste, sweeter than the honey, sweeter than anything. He was down bad, and he knew it. He loved this woman. Suffering through a cold was the least he would do for her.

She melted right in though. She let him kiss her, throwing her head back for him to kiss her harder. She scratched gently above his nape and he let a small groan against her lips.

“Mommy, daddy?”

Both of them snapped out of it when Eddie spoke from the bed. Nathalie pulled back and she giggled. She walked straight to bed and sat down, pulling Eddie in her hug and placing him in her lap.

“Did you have a good night’s rest, sweetie?” Nathalie placed a kiss on Eddie’s fluffy cheek as she brushed his blonde hair away from his forehead.

Eddie hummed and nodded and buried his face in his mom’s neck. Erwin fastened his emerald bolo tie with a smile on his lips, watching the two most precious people in his world.

He adored them both.

༻◊۞◊༺

“You’ll let me come and fight.”

“No.”

“Pleaseeeee…”

“No.”

“Please, please, please…”

“No, Nathalie, stop.”

“But I want to fight!”

“You’re not coming. You’ll stay here with our son.”

“I get your point, but I need to come and make sure you’ll make it back!”

“No.”

“Pleaseeee…”

And that repeated for a few more times. Eddie rolled his eyes as he watched his mom being as much annoying as she possibly could be. Pulling on Erwin’s sleeves and following him around as he tried to gather papers or scribble stuff on his green board. Eddie shook his head and sighed, rubbing his tiny hand on his forehead.

“Raising parents is hard.”

Eddie turned his attention back on the book that laid down on the couch in front of him. That annoying conversation went on for a little longer, but Eddie didn’t pay too much attention to it.

Erwin groaned and turned to face her. “Stop following me around, you’re not coming. You’re staying here. My decision is final.”

Nathalie scoffed and wrapped his sleeve of his one arm, tugging on it. “It’s not your decision to make! I need to come. I need to make sure you’ll come back to us!” She insisted.

Erwin sighed, exhausted. He let down that pile of papers and folders that he’d been holding in his hug, and he cupped her cheek.

“We’ve had that conversation many times already, sweetheart.” He tried not to get mad at her. He knew she always had the right intentions. “I will make it back.”

Eddie overheard that and it was more than enough to get his attention away from the book. He looked up at his mom and dad, facing each other. Nathalie’s fists were clenched, and she had grasped Erwin’s arm with one of her own. Erwin was cupping her cheek.

“Back from where?” Eddie asked, drawing their attention entirely. “Where is daddy going?” He asked, and both adults visibly tensed up.

Nathalie didn’t know how to tell him. She didn’t even know whether he would understand. Erwin couldn’t stay out of the field for too long. He had to be there to the mission on Liberio. It wasn’t going to be a raid. They weren’t planning to attack or harm anyone. But chances were that Marley would attack. Marley would put everything they had into fighting yet another threat from Paradis and Erwin was planning to use that to their advantage, but that could risk his life.

How could she sit Eddie down and explain to him that daddy is going to leave for a day and he’s probably not coming back? Eddie had already lost Erwin once, but back then, it wasn’t that hurtful to him, because back then, he had simply lost a father he had never met. Now, Eddie had met his dad and he had grown to love him like a son would love his father. If Eddie lost Erwin now, it would ruin him.

If Nathalie lost Erwin again… she could never go through that pain again.

They were taking too long to answer. Nathalie parted her lips to speak, but Erwin finally started talking.

“Eddie,” Erwin approached the boy and sat on the couch beside him. Erwin picked his little son up and placed him effortlessly in his lap. Eddie climbed up to his chest and Erwin supported him with an arm beneath his little body.

It is what Erwin had been trying to prevent all along. It is what he never wanted to happen. He never wanted to have a child and a wife. He never wanted to be the father who was going to die and leave his son and wife behind. He never wanted to do to Eddie the same thing his father had done to him. That’s why he had tried so hard to push her away, to convince her to hate him, to force her to loathe him. That’s why he never wanted to get married.

That’s why marriage and children had forever been a distant dream.

But he had loved that woman. He had loved Nathalie and he would probably love her forever, and Eddie was that gorgeous result of that love. Eddie was his most perfect and most precious creation. Eddie stared up at his dad with those brilliant blue eyes and everything about that look was telling him that he couldn’t fool him. He couldn’t fool a boy that was part Burgess, part Smith. He couldn’t fool the most intelligent human being to have probably ever walked earth.

Erwin had to choose his words carefully. He couldn’t lie. He couldn’t fool him. He couldn’t come up with some brilliant sentence that was going to let this slide. He was heading towards a battlefield, and he knew there were many chances that he wasn’t going to come back, while at the same time, he knew he could come back. Five syringes of the Resurrection Serum would be carried by every soldier within the troops that were going to be sent.

Erwin could get shot five times and he would still make it back.

His odds weren’t all that terrible. Maybe if he was honest with Eddie, maybe Eddie would forgive him for being reckless despite him knowing that he had a family.

“In two days’ time, there is a mission I will have to lead.” Erwin started the big explanation. He had to keep it honest, and simple.

“Is it going to be dangerous?” Eddie asked before Erwin was able to say anything more.

 “Yes.” Honest and simple.

Eddie fell silent. He knew his dad was an important political and military figure. He knew that was a dangerous position. Even though he was an almost five-year-old boy, he was a Burgess, and he could understand certain things that other children his age couldn’t. Still, Eddie had lost his dad once. Then he gained another dad, but he lost that one too. He had stopped asking about Zeke. Something told him he’d never see him again. If papa Erwin died now, there will be no papa Zeke around to replace him.

But it wasn’t the way of a Burgess to resolve with emotion. Nathalie was a different case because she was raised outside the Burgess Family, but those four years he’d spent with his Aunts and Uncles and cousins, they had an impact on him.

“Papa ‘win,” Eddie tugged on Erwin’s white shirt to draw his dad’s attention. “Mommy and I spent four years without you. If anything happens to you in that mission… we’ll make it without you. We’ve done it before.” Eddie said surprising both of his parents.

Nathalie’s eyes widened. No. Eddie should have been crying. Eddie should have been trying his best to keep his dad from leaving. But he was telling him to leave instead? Nathalie thought Erwin and Eddie had a healthy father and son relationship. She thought Eddie loved his father, and maybe he did.

And Erwin was dumbfounded. He expected to be guilt tripped. It hurt because we’ve done it before, Eddie said. We’ve done it before. You’ve got us used to losing you. It was just Eddie’s way of telling him that he was a terrible father. A father who put his job and his duties above his own wife and child. Eddie seemed to understand that. We don’t need you. We’ve done without you before. Did they really not need him? Was Erwin supposed to be proud of his son for being so strong, or was he supposed to loathe himself for being a totally unreliable father? Maybe both.

“Eddie, darling, how can you say that?!” Nathalie settled beside Erwin on the couch, facing their son.

Erwin remained silent. He had no idea what to do or say. That wasn’t the reaction he had been expecting. Still Erwin hadn’t cried in his father’s funeral. He had cried later on his own when no one would see, not even his own mother. Maybe his own son wouldn’t cry on his own funeral. Maybe that boy was more of a Smith than he was a Burgess. Or maybe both families were just meant to be apathic.

“We need papa Erwin…” Nathalie had to convince him somehow. Was she trying to use Eddie to convince Erwin not to kill himself? Maybe. Was it wrong? Of course, it was. But it didn’t make sense for Eddie to say this. “…you need your father, and I need him too.”

“Of course, we do, mommy, but how can you not see that…” Eddie turned and looked at his mom “…whatever you and I do or say, daddy’s not going to change his mind.”

Eddie crawled off his dad’s lap and he climbed onto his mom’s chest. Nathalie wrapped her arms around him and she sighed heavily. He was right. She’d always known. Some things were more important to Erwin than wife and son.

“But don’t go with him, mommy.” Eddie’s little fingers clenched on her shirt. “Stay with me, because if anything happens to daddy… you’re going to be all I have.”

She couldn’t do otherwise. Nathalie brought him into a tight hug and Eddie buried his face in his mom’s neck, nestling there for comfort. “Alright, darling, I’ll stay. I’ll never leave your side, I promise.”

Nathalie had to be the reliable parent. She had to be the one who was always going to be there. And Erwin was the temporary parent. He was the parent who was going to leave one day no matter what.

How terrible was that?

Eddie had realised that before either of his parents. Maybe he was just never meant to be raised with a father. He wouldn’t be the first, neither would he be the last child to have that happen to him. Eddie pulled back to look at his mom. Not a single tear rested on his eyelashes.

“Now, get me a book, I need to study.” Eddie needed to concern himself with things that actually mattered to a Burgess.

Science. Knowledge. Sentimentality was useless.

Nathalie noticed it. She too always sank in her science when she was sad. Eddie was sad. It was worse. He was hiding it. Already hiding his sadness from such a young age.

“Darling, you don’t have to act tough, I know it bothers you, just please, talk to me, and I’ll-”

“A book, mommy.” Eddie cut her and jumped off her lap, making his way to the bedroom. “I’ll read it on our bed. Just bring something to read. Anything.”

And that is why, Erwin never wanted a family. He never wanted a wife. He never wanted a son or a daughter, or anything. He never wanted this. He knew this would happen. He knew one day he was going to die and he knew he’d leave his family behind. He knew he should have never married her. He should have never loved her. He should have never… was he regretting everything again?

He should have been a man with absolutely nothing to lose. But now he had everything to lose.

Erwin buried his face in his hands. The unreliable parent.

“This is why I never wanted this. I knew this would happen.” Erwin said quietly, resting his elbows on top of his knees and burying his face in his hands and sighing.

“Who are you going to blame this time?” Nathalie looked blankly on some random spot in his office. “Me? For loving you?”

“The only one I ever blame is myself.”

At that she turned and looked at him. “Does that change anything? Does it stop you from throwing yourself in harm’s way?”

He pulled his hands away and bright blue eyes met her own. Nothing could stop him. If he didn’t fix the world no one else would. If he didn’t deliver a safe world to his son, then what kind of father was he? A temporary father, but still, a father who carried the greatest gifts. Peace. Safety. Reassurance. Freedom.

If he got to deliver to his son everything his generation never had, his life wasn’t such a steep price to pay after all.

“Nothing can stop me.”

Tears gathered in her eyes, but she didn’t let them drop. She was going to lose her husband again and she wasn’t even going to be there to see it. She didn’t have many options. She dropped on her knees in front of him. Here she was, kneeling again, begging. Always begging this man to do something as simple as stay alive. Was that too much to ask?

“You gave me a promise…”

“I love you, Nathalie. I love you. I love our son. My life belongs to you and our son. It doesn’t belong to the future of humanity. It doesn’t belong to my job and duties. It belongs to you. It belongs to my family. I’ll never leave you again.” He had told her just a few weeks ago.

“…I beseech you to keep it.”

She didn’t stay on her knees too long this time. She didn’t mind bruising her knees for him, but she had their son to look after. She stood up and grabbed a random book lying around and she walked in their bedroom where Eddie was waiting silently, holding the monkey teddy in his arms. It was the only toy he had taken with him from the asylum. It was the only toy he ever played with no matter how many toys Erwin bought for him.

Maybe deep-down Eddie always knew papa Erwin was temporary.  

Nathalie pulled Eddie in her hug and she settled on the bed with her back against the wooden bedframe. Eddie’s little head rested against her shoulder and he shut his little eyes. Nathalie tried distracting him with a bedtime story. She read to him for a while, and once she really thought he had actually fallen asleep, Eddie spoke.

“Mommy?”

“Hmm?”

“Why do you think papa Erwin wants to leave us?” Eddie opened his eyes, and he looked up at his mom. “Do you think I did something wrong?”

Her eyes widened. How could he even think of something like this? “Of course not, darling!” Nathalie cupped his fluffy cheek and she kissed his forehead. “Don’t you ever think like that. Papa Erwin loves you so dearly.”

“Then why does he want to leave?”

“He doesn’t,” Nathalie answered simply and her blue eyes met his own, making sure she had his full attention. “But you see, in life, sometimes you’ll have to do things you don’t want to. So… of course, papa Erwin would never want to leave us… but maybe he will if he has no other option.” Nathalie forced a smile at him. “But that will not happen, because papa Erwin will do everything in his power to come back to us. You’ll see.”

“You sure?” Eddie asked worriedly and she nodded.

“Of course, my sweet baby.” Nathalie kissed his forehead again and she lied down supinely, pulling him in her hug. With an arm on his little back to make sure he was secure against her, Eddie buried his face in his mom’s chest and he closed his eyes and so did she.

Erwin was by the door, having heard the entire conversation. Despite everything, Nathalie still stood by his side and defended him. It was what she had always done. Always by his side. She always knew him better than he knew himself. Of course, he didn’t want to leave them. Of course, he would do anything in his power to make sure he’d come back to them. No sane man would ever willingly abandon his wife and child.

Erwin walked in the bedroom. There was the dim light of the lamp on his nightstand. He lied down gently on the side of the bed that was empty. He kicked his shoes and crawled on Nathalie’s side. He knew she was still awake even though her eyes were closed. He rested his head on her chest, burying his nose in her neck. She wrapped her free arm around him and her fingers reached for his forehead, brushing back his hair.

She had both her son on one side and her husband in the other. Her two, sweet boys that were her entire world, they were both holding onto her like a lifeline. Erwin was already burdened. She wouldn’t burden him anymore. Nathalie would trust him to come back, and she would convince Eddie to do the same.

Their trust was what Erwin needed the most now, and she realised, she had neglected what her husband needed for far too long.

What kind of wife was she?

They didn’t exchange any other words though. Nathalie pressed a warm kiss on her husband’s forehead, and he shut his eyes and his arm around her belly tightened. It was all the reassurance he needed to know that she trusted him. Actions spoke louder than words between them.

There was nothing left to be said. There was a quiet I love you in his warm breath that brushed down her neck, and there was that silent I trust you in her gentle touch in his hair.

Chapter 116: Before the Mission on Liberio 🟥

Notes:

Another angsty chap

I cba to write separate farewell miniscenes bw nat and the others cuz my writer's block is acting up so apologies but you're only stuck with the scenes that i actually want/have the tiniest motivation to write

tysm to the legends who are still reading this literal death-of-my-sanity of a fic. this chap is for y'all

The next two days they spent them together, and Erwin tried his best to spend as much time with his wife and child as he possibly could. In the last night, Erwin tucked Eddie to bed and read him his favourite bedtime story. Eddie fell asleep quickly, gripping onto his father’s hand that he finally let go of when sleep took him.

Erwin let Eddie sleep, and he walked out of the bedroom into his office to search for Nathalie. She was there. She had just finished ironing the black, full body suit that he was going to wear tomorrow. It now lay perfectly folded on the arm of his green couch.

When their eyes met, they both knew exactly what each other wanted. Erwin was going to leave tomorrow morning, so very early, and Nathalie with Eddie would not be able to send him off to the train station. Erwin had been adamant about protecting his wife and child. If they were seen at the train station, everybody would find out about Erwin Smith’s secret family.

Tonight, and a few minutes from tomorrow’s early morning, were all they possibly had. There was a chance Erwin wasn’t going to make it back.

In such a rushed manner, the couple approached each other, and when there was no furniture between them, Erwin wrapped his arms around her and dragged her to him. Nathalie wrapped her arms around his shoulders and picked herself up on her tiptoes to reach him. His mouth clashed on top of her own and he kissed her. He kissed her hard and sweet and his arms tightened around her so very tightly. She clutched onto his shirt and threw her head back for him to kiss her harder.

And when it almost got too much, only then did he pull back to let her breathe, pressing his forehead against her own, clutching onto her white shirt, her black skirt. His taste lingered on her lips, his breath brushed against her chin. His nose ghosted across her own.

“Will you go through this again for me?” Erwin asked.

He let go of her waist to cup her cheek. Was she going to handle it? If he did not return in two days, would she be able to handle his loss again? She had already done it once. She had spent three years, going insane, raising their son, thinking her husband, the father of her son was dead.

“Will you be able to handle it?” Erwin asked again. If she said no, then maybe he’d cancel everything that was to happen tomorrow. Maybe he’d step down from his position as the Commander of the Survey Corps and maybe he would give up on his dreams for her, because she had given up on her own dreams for him.

Maybe he would do that if she said the word, but he knew she wasn’t going to. She loved him and she was never going to force him to abandon his dreams for her.

“I had… always known a day like this would come.” She supported his hand on her cheek with her own, lacing their fingers together. “You warned me before you married me,” which was more than true. He had warned her time and time again, over and over, but she still chose to participate in this marriage. “I wasn’t prepared to lose you the first time, but I am now. I chose this marriage with all the hardships that would come with it.” She cupped his cheek and she smiled at him. “My darling Erwin… I married you knowing I would end up being a widow, but I still did it because I love you. I’ll still love you even if you die tomorrow – even if you make me go through that hell again.”

How could he not love her immensely when she was saying things like that?

Erwin kissed her again, and he kissed her hard. “I love you,” he mumbled against her lips. He said it over and over. It sounded so good coming from him.

He was going to love her tonight. He was going to do it right, and she was going to hold him so tight tonight, she would never regret not holding him tight enough again – not kissing him hard enough.

He laid her down on his couch and hovered on top of her. He didn’t rush at all. He took his time stripping her off her clothes, kissing her skin, her scars, every single part of her. He unbuttoned her shirt and he brought his lips to her chest, her neck. She wrapped her legs around his waist and her skirt fell back on her stomach. He gripped her exposed thighs and sucked on her breasts, pulling them out of the confines of her bra. She buried her fingers in his hair, pulling on them, throwing her head back to gasp.

He left red, stinging marks on her skin and she bit her lip to keep her sounds down. She unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it down his broad shoulders, revealing his warm skin beneath. She left no part of him untouched, tracing every new scar, every curve, every muscle that shifted beneath her fingertips. Her husband was perfect. No matter how much he hurt her and no matter what he did to her, he was perfect, and she loved him.

And no matter how maddening and insane she was and how mad she made him, he loved her.

Erwin slipped down, between her legs, pulling her skirt up, revealing her flat stomach beneath. He kissed the stitched tissue of her lower belly from when she gave birth to their wonderful son. Deep down he hoped he gave her another child tonight. He wanted her to be anything but alone in case he never made it back. It would make things harder for her though, but it could be an extra motive to fight harder to make it back to her and his family.

A gasp escaped her throat when he sucked on her clit and buried his fingers in the plush of her thighs to keep her steady for him while he ate her out. One hand reached for her quivering hole, prodding his fingers in her slick walls and feeling the warmth of her wetness with a single finger pushing in.

Her back arched beneath him and she bit her lip to hold back her sounds. She buried her fingers in his hair and brought her other hand to her lips, to muffle herself. He found her spot right away with the tip of his finger. He pulled out only to ease in a second finger, curling them both against her spot, making her see stars. He knew her body so well. He had it all memorised, to bring her more pleasure than she’d ever felt. He sucked on her clit at the same time, running his tongue in wordless shapes. So warm, so wet, and her sounds, so deliciously muffled beneath her hand. He couldn’t wait for her to cum. He wanted to take her right now.

Erwin pulled back before she reached her high. She whined in protest but forgot all about it when she felt the hard tip of his cock pressing against her wet opening. After all those times that he’d taken her, she was still so small and he was too big for her to take. He crawled back on top of her, wrapping one of the pillows of his couch and placing it right beneath her waist to put her lower body higher. He was going to breed her and she wasn’t questioning his actions at all. She wanted it.

She wrapped her legs around his waist, locking her ankles behind his back, not allowing him to go anywhere. Not even if he wanted to. He could die tomorrow, but tonight, he was not allowed to go anywhere. Tonight he was hers. He was all hers. She cupped his face with both her hands and guided him down for a hungry kiss.

“Tonight, you’re all mine…” she mumbled against his lips before kissing him harder. He grunted against her mouth and planted his elbows on the couch all around her head.

She touched him everywhere as if she was never going to touch him again. She sank her nails in his flesh, drawing scratches on his shoulders, on his back, on his chest and he wasn’t even fucking her yet. She had him hazed with the way she was kissing him – the way she lifted her hips and used the leverage with her legs wrapped around him to rub herself across his crotch. She almost seemed much needier than he was. He was painfully hard and she was so wet but she was clutching on him so tight and she was kissing him for so long as if she was trying to make him suffocate from her.

If he was to suffocate from her, then he’d do so gladly.

Erwin pushed the tip in and only then did she pull from the kiss, feeling the fat head of his cock, slowly bullying its way into her tight hole. It hurt, but it hurt so good. The stretch, the burn, it only turned her on even more. She buried her nails in his flesh and threw her head back and she shut her eyes tightly. A wince erupted from her throat and he stopped moving to let her adjust, but she cupped his face and opened her eyes.

“No, don’t stop… more… all the way, please…” she panted against his lips and Erwin could hardly control himself.

He had almost forgotten that his perfect little girl loved pain. His sweet little girl was the sweetest masochist, and she loved all kinds of pain. Physical, emotional. She loved it if it came from him. Maybe that’s why she couldn’t do without him. Maybe that’s why she married him. He had exhausted her emotionally. He had exhausted her physically. He had ruined her life, and she had ruined his own and they kept doing that, over and over. Maybe her sadness, her fear of losing him was something she fed off to. She fed off to it like a drug.

He was her drug, and she was his own and they were both detrimental to each other. They were both like two malignant tumours bringing a slow, deliberate death on a single body that was their love. He was going to die tomorrow, and she was going to suffer, and she was going to blame herself for letting him go. And she was going to get through it all over again and the only difference this time would be that he’d be watching her, and he wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.

Erwin pushed all the way in and her head arched back. Her lips parted in a silent cry and a single teardrop ran down her cheek. Her body arched so beautifully beneath him, and she was so tight, he had to bite on her neck to silence himself. He let down a deep red mark of his teeth and he suckled on it hard. She buried her nails in his broad shoulders and he remained there, deep for them both to adjust. It felt too good. It felt like heaven. It felt like his sole purpose in life was to be there, with her, to love her, hold her, claim her.

He pressed his forehead against her own, and their eyes met. His thumb traced her lower, puffy lip, making its way in her mouth. She sucked on his thumb right before he pulled it out and he leaned in to kiss her. He kissed her again because he realised…

…only a woman like her could love a man like him.

He pulled out and back in. A few slow thrusts, before picking up the pace. He was hitting just the right spot, planting his elbows around her head. One hand reached between their bodies to rub tight circles around her clit and she threw her head back. Her body arched, letting him hit deeper. Her lips parted in a beautiful, silent scream. Her hand reached for her mouth, trying to hold every sound in. It felt so good. She buried her fingers in his hair whilst he buried his face in her neck to plant kisses and nips.

She came almost too fast, clenching her fingers in his golden locks. Her whole body shook beneath him and a silent, soft, high-pitched sound escaped her, but she muffled herself right away. A quiet groan escaped him as well when she clenched around him so tight. He pulled back to hook her legs on his shoulders, before leaning back down, folding her body in half, and thrusting back in so deep.

She didn’t know how many times he made her cum or how many times he came inside of her. It must have been very late in the night – or very early in the morning, when the two of them lied down and curled up on the couch. He had propped her small body on top of his own and a blanket covered them both. It was the same blanket that she had used so many times to throw on top of his shoulders all those nights that he’d pass out on his desk, so stubbornly refusing to retreat from work.

Her head rested on his chest and his arms were around her beneath the blanket. The only light in the room was that lamp on his desk not too far away. She could tell neither of them was sleeping. Erwin wasn’t going to sleep tonight, and she couldn’t sleep either. How could she sleep when he was right there, beneath her, holding her, bare bodies pressed against each other so close and tight beneath the blanket?

She knew she had to let him go. She knew they had talked it through. She knew they had come to an agreement long ago. She told him she could handle it. But now that they were like this, in this silence, waiting for the moment to come – the moment that he’d have to leave – it was unbearable. She didn’t want to wait for it happen. Let it happen fast and clear and unexpected. Waiting for him to march to his death was exhausting. She always knew she’d lose him, but she never knew when and how. Now she knew the answer to both those questions.

Maybe she was being overly dramatic. Maybe he would come back. Maybe he would survive. He was a talented warrior. He was skilled and experienced and he had everything he needed to make it back alive.

“You’re not sleeping,” Erwin’s voice came after a long moment of silence. He asked, even though he knew.

“I do not intend to sleep tonight.” Nathalie said and she lifted her head off his chest to look up at him. She cupped his cheek with her tender hand and he took it in his own and brought it to his lips. “I want to cherish the man I love till the very end.”

His precious Nathalie. His sweet wife. His sweet little babygirl. He wished – oh how he wished he could spoil her like she deserved to be spoiled. He wished he never had to put her through this. He wished that when everything would be over, the two of them would get the chance to grow old together. To raise their son together in a happy, healthy family.

“I will come back.” Erwin’s eyes met her own. He stroked her hair away from her forehead and he cupped the back of her head, urging her to bury her face back in his neck. She did so gladly, shutting her eyes and nuzzling into him. Her arms around him tightened as if he was going to disappear. “Just stay here and wait for me.”

Nathalie nodded, pressing a kiss on his neck. “I can forever wait for you.”

He smiled, and his arms around her tightened in return.

And when the time came and he had to stand up, they both took a shower and got dressed. Eddie was still sleeping soundly and Nathalie was contemplating whether she should wake him up to have a final goodbye with his father. He at least deserved that much.

Erwin was putting on his ODM for now.

“Let me.”

Nathalie approached him and started strapping the equipment on her husband’s body. There was no other woman who would put up with everything that Erwin had done to her. Making her expect her husband’s death, over and over, making her life a living hell. He had warned her all about before their marriage but, even now, she was stubbornly still standing by his side as if there was no other place in the world for her. There was no other fate for her than to be his supportive wife. His wife – who was taught to expect him to die any moment yet still she was taking it. There was no other woman out there who would do that. Just how insanely did she love him?

Or maybe she was insane herself, and he was insane as well, because instead of trying everything to push her away from this madness, he merely drew her closer. He asked her to wait, and she said she would wait forever, as if she was indeed expecting him to die. That’s why she always held him so tight when they’d lie down to sleep.

She was almost finished strapping the equipment on his body when he wrapped an arm around her and dragged her closer to him to kiss her. He had been kissing her all night, yet it was never enough. Not when they knew that it could be the last kiss they’d share. And she was as responsive as ever, as if she had been expecting him to be mad for her like this.

Eddie was sleeping soundly. Erwin was dressed up and ready when he sat by the edge of the bed beside his tiny sleeping body. Nathalie was going to escort Erwin all the way to the train station, that would take them to the port where they would take the ship and eventually sail to Marley. She wasn’t going to join them, and she hated it, but it was the right thing to do.

She couldn’t leave Eddie behind.

“My son… my wonderful son,” Erwin spoke silently, stroking little Edward’s fluffy cheeks. He might have been his spitting image, but he’d also inherited his mother’s beauty. Maybe Nathalie had never noticed it herself. She never considered herself beautiful.

Erwin didn’t want to wake him, but he knew Eddie would want to see him one last time. He knew Erwin would want to see his own father one last time before he would go off to die.

“Eddie…” Erwin spoke softly still, “my wonderful son… wake up.”

Eddie softly began to stir. Huge blue eyes opened slowly, half-lidded. He yawned in the cutest way possible before looking up at his dad.

“Daddy? Where are you going? Is it time?” He asked with a groggy, sleepy voice.

Erwin gritted his teeth trying to keep it together. He could not breakdown. Not in front of his son. He could breakdown all he wanted in front of Nathalie. She had seen him at his best and at his worst, but he would never let his son see him be weak. He was the father. He had to be the strong parent. He had to, even when his heart was breaking.

That’s why he never wanted to fall for her. That’s why he never wanted a family. He couldn’t have a family when he was carrying the world on his shoulders. He glanced at Nathalie. She just stood there, and tears were overflowing her eyelashes. She was trying her best to keep them from dropping.

He had loved her so much. He loved her so much and little Edward was the wonderful result. He did not regret it. He would have been an utterly ungrateful moron should he dare regret what they had. Not even for a second. He was merely sad that he was doing to them. He was frustrated that the world was giving him no choice.

But that was their world, and he had to live in it. He had to live. He had to. Dying was never a choice. It hadn’t been ever since the very first day their parents introduced them to each other.

Erwin composed himself.

“I will make it back,” he sounded determined.

He pulled Eddie up off the bed and brought him to his chest with one hand. The other reached for Nathalie. She took his hand without a second thought, and he pulled her close. He urged her to sit on his lap. He kept one arm around her, the other around his son. He held them both, sitting at the edge of their bed.

His wife and son. His family. The most precious people in this world. How could he ever leave them again?

“I will make it back,” he repeated looking down at them both.

He didn’t know whether he was trying to convince them both or himself. Maybe he was trying to convince them because they needed it more than he did. His life never mattered to him, but it mattered to them, and they mattered to him more than anything.

He brought them closer. Nathalie pressed her cheek down on his shoulder and she shut her eyes, trying to keep the tears trapped. She buried her face in her husband’s neck. She drew in his scent and her fingers clenched around his uniform. So did Eddie. He buried his little face in his dad’s shoulder and his own little fingers clutched on his dad’s uniform.

Just like his mom had done.

“I promise to you both, I will try my absolute hardest to make it back to you…” Erwin gave them both forehead kisses and his arms tightened around them “…I promise.”

Eddie let out a tiny, muffled sob that broke his heart. It was even worse than watching Nathalie crying. It was even worse than the most painful wound that he’d ever endured. It was terrible.

“You don’t have to promise, daddy,” Eddie said with a trembling voice. He sniffled his nose and wiped his cheeks of stray warm tears. “I know you will.”

Erwin withdrew the arm from around Nathalie and brought it to Eddie’s face, wiping his tears and leaning in to press kisses on Eddie’s fluffy cheeks.

“Then, do not cry,” Erwin said. “Be strong for your mother. Look after her while I’m gone, just like you did before.”

A look of determination spread on little Eddie’s face. He sniffled his nose and wiped his cheeks with his fists. He nodded. “I will!”

“Good,” Erwin smiled. He could already see a natural leader. He really was a Smith. Erwin was already very proud. “I will be back before you know it.”

Eddie stayed back to resume his sleep. He was safe in the Survey Corps HQ. Nathalie and Erwin rode together to the train station where everybody else would be. Ready and dressed in their uniforms, they would take the train for a faster journey to the port and there a blimp would wait for them to take them to Marley.

Nathalie stood there, in the train station. She hugged and bid farewell everyone, starting with the kids that she had raised, Armin, Eren and Mikasa, and the others. Levi, Hange, Moblit, Miche, Nanaba. Erwin was left for last.

She stood there, amongst the crowd of people that slowly boarded the train. Miche promised her he’d protect Erwin with his life, but he shouldn’t have to sacrifice himself and his happiness for that suicidal best friend who had somehow voluntarily chosen to carry the world on his shoulders.

Nathalie stood there as the cold morning breeze penetrated her white shirt. Her long, black skirt danced with it. Her eyes met Erwin’s at last. He had been busy speaking to his subordinates, checking some last-minute preparations before boarding. She wondered whether this was the last time she was seeing him – or any of them for that matter. No further away, Levi was bidding Petra farewell. He was holding her so very tight. He whispered something in her ear, and she smiled, and her arms around his shoulders tightened.

Nathalie wondered whether Erwin would hold her just as tight or even at all. She didn’t even know what to tell him. A simple, final I love you? Would that even suffice?

I love you. Please, come back to me.

Please, don’t ever leave me like that again.

She said she could handle it if she lost him again, but the truth was, that she couldn’t. She wouldn’t be able to handle this pain again. And now, that their minutes were numbered and the time for him to go was closing in, she was coming closer, and closer to the realisation.

A warm, calloused thumb brushed away a slick, salty, wet trail off her cheek. She hadn’t even noticed she had started crying. She hadn’t even noticed those tears streaming down her cheeks. She had promised herself she wouldn’t cry. She had already mourned him countless times.

That’s what she got for falling in love with Erwin Smith.

Madly enough to willingly go through the hell she knew he’d put her through.

“Stop crying,” his voice came cold and stern, and distant. It sounded like an order, even though his hand didn’t let go of her cheek quite yet.

She kept her head down, hoping her hair would cover at least half of her face from him. She couldn’t even look him in the eye. She wanted to grab him by the shirt. She wanted to tug him so very close. She wanted to scream at him don’t go!

Don’t go anywhere. Don’t ever leave my side. Ever.

If you love me, you’ll stay right here.

If you love me… if he loved her…

She said none of it. She kept quiet. She pursed her lips, clenched her teeth, kept her face down, clenched her fists.

“Don’t, Nathalie,” he couldn’t let her breakdown right here and now, in front of everyone.

If she broke down, he would too, and he was in no position to be showing any trace of emotion out here. They weren’t behind the safe walls of his office, of their bedroom where he could be her husband and the father of their child. Out here, he was the Commander of the Scout Regiment, and eyes were everywhere.

Multiple people in the military were searching for Erwin Smith’s weaknesses.

“This is no time and place to-” Erwin tried to say but she cut him.

“Really? Is that the best that you can do?” Nathalie finally spoke. She looked up at him, biting the inside of her cheek vilely. She looked up at him at last, and with just one look at his eyes, she could tell why he was being distant and cold.

Erwin Smith had far too much power for a single Commander. It was difficult not to listen to people speak about it in the streets whenever she’d go out in the market. They went as far as calling Historia his puppet.

How much of it was misplaced? What of it was true or not?

How much of it was just senseless, mean gossip?

Her fists loosened and her tense shoulders relaxed when she looked up. She realised it fast. She and Eddie were Erwin Smith’s weakness. Someone would come for them if she dared give them a reason.

She couldn’t even kiss her husband goodbye before he’d go to war.

“I see,” she said. It came out quiet. Even she could tell that they were being watched.

She had to try harder, so it seemed.

She took one last good look at him. He was in the uniform that she had helped him get into. Big blue eyes, icy cold at first glance, but if she dared stare a little longer, she could tell it was that look. It was the look he gave her each time he denied telling her he loved her. It was the look that she hung from for the longest time.

He was struggling just as much not to touch her. Not to kiss her, hold her, reassure her, tell her he loved her. His fingers were clenched into fists as well. He was struggling just as much as she.

He was only putting up a better act than her.

Nathalie was going to make it easier for him. It hurt like hell, but she turned her back on him and started walking away.

It was such a shame. For all she knew she was seeing him for the last time, and that was all the farewell that they could afford. They weren’t safe, not even in their own home.

“You’re my…” he spoke, and she stopped on her tracks “…greatest happiness, my deepest sorrow…” he let her finish it.

“…my uprising and my downfall," she finished it for him, before she walked away.

Erwin just stood there, watching her.

Notes:

and no i won't write the fight on liberio but things went as exactly as they did in bhsl: erwin gives out a massive speech landing beside willy tybur about how there are no longer eldians on the island cuz the vaccine works blah blah blah and they inject it to lara tybur making it a massive example that the entire world will talk about, but marley attacks them anyway and the scouts really do keep civilian casualties to a minimum aka udo and zofia don't die and gabi stays in marley with falco, sasha doesn't die etc

they do get to capture zeke tho and they bring him back to paradis and im thinking i'll only write past this point

Notes:

Thanks for reading! Please make sure to leave Kudos and Comments to let me know what you think!
~ your author
Sandy ❤