Chapter Text
Bruce stared at their expensive luggage sitting at the foot of the bed apprehensively. He knew everything was packed because he’d done most of the packing, carefully arranging their clothes and suits, having insisted they not bring tuxes because that felt so... alarmingly formal for the venue. If Justin wanted to have a reception here in Palo Alto and dress up for all their friends, that was fine. He knew pageantry was important to his fiance, but it wasn’t important to him. And where he grew up, in the small town of Fairview, Vermont? It would only be considered ostentatious at best.
No, his apprehension wasn’t over the bags themselves, but rather returning to Fairview at all. It has been fifteen years since he left and he spent half his life on the other side of the country for a reason. There were nothing but bad memories there – an abusive father who skipped town when he was young, his mother murdered by her boyfriend a month before graduation, an elementary education in pervasive bullying, and a boyfriend that tore an irreparable hole in his heart. There was no reason to go back to a place like that, a place that had only ever caused him pain. Switching his acceptance from MIT to Stanford in the final hour was the best decision he’d ever made – as evidenced by the expensive luggage and the fiance. He remembered thinking to himself after graduating Stanford at the top of his class and accepting a doctoral placement at UC Berkeley, that now he would never have a reason to go back to Fairview. Yet here he was, packed and ready to board a plane tomorrow that would take him back to a place that featured only in his nightmares.
Justin, however, clearly did not have the same apprehension, and he was grinning as he stepped out of the bathroom, toweling off his hair.
“Don’t worry so much,” he said, when he noticed the way Bruce stood there, facing down the bags like they were a brick wall between him and the bed that he was going to have to take apart piece by piece. “I checked the rings about five times already.”
“It’s not that,” Bruce sighed, knowing that Justin wouldn’t understand.
Returning had been his suggestion, after all. And it was sweet, actually, it really was – Justin had forced him through about eight venues in The Valley over the course of one day and Bruce was exhausted and overwhelmed and it had to be obvious. Justin was so much better at shit like that. But as they sat on the patio of their favorite restaurant, trying to relax with a bottle of wine after a whirlwind day, he took Bruce’s hand and suggested they say ‘fuck it’ to the big, pretentious wedding he wanted and have the ceremony where Bruce had spread his mother’s ashes on the edge of Lake Champlain so it would be like she was there with them.
At the time, Bruce was nearly brought to tears. He’d been with Justin for just over two years and he knew that while Justin was quite smart and extremely tactical, he wasn’t particularly thoughtful about things like that. Especially when they both knew this wedding was far more about him than it was about Bruce. Bruce didn’t mind that, though – not really. He knew he came from a fucked up background, that his experiences and what he wanted didn't always jive with societal norms – but Justin? Well, Justin came from a comfortable upper middle-class home in the suburbs of Philadelphia where his mother had never been concerned about his sexuality, just disappointed that he’d never come home with a pretty wife and a bevy of beautiful babies. So if a wedding was important to him in some way, then Bruce would have a wedding for him. He really didn’t care.
So for Justin to turn it around like that and make it about him? For him to sacrifice his own need for a fancy ceremony so that Bruce could have something sentimental and intimate? Something inside Bruce simple broke and he couldn’t say no. This was the kind of love that he wanted, the kind of love that put him first because he knew he never would. And in that moment Bruce realized that he had found it. How could he say no?
But now, three months later, he was struggling with the decision and he knew Justin couldn’t understand why. Going back there was like tearing open scar tissue that had finally healed across his heart and it was going to suck. This was meant to be one of the happiest moments of his life and it felt ominous to start it off by going back to the past and digging up the graves of his ghosts.
“Then what’s wrong, baby?” Justin asked as he came up, face crumpling in concern, letting his towel hang across his shoulders. “Sex was good?”
Bruce fought down the urge to roll his eyes at that.
“Yeah,” he assured him, turning to the bureau and grabbing a spare cell phone charger out of it to drop on the bag so they wouldn’t forget it tomorrow. “It’s just hard to imagine being back there, is all.”
For a moment, Justin didn’t say anything, but Bruce could feel his eyes on him as he settled into his nightly routine, plugging in his phone, removing his contacts, trading them for his reading glasses and finding his tablet.
“I don’t get it. It’s been like twenty years,” Justin said and Bruce sighed as he sat down on the bed, expecting that response. Any time they’d tried to talk about it, it was clear Justin didn’t and probably couldn't understand. Bruce supposed a lack of empathy was something of a benefit in a corporate lawyer of his caliber.
“My mother was murdered there,” Bruce said at last, as blunt as he’d ever been with the other man. “In our house . The case is still technically unsolved. Why would I go back? It doesn’t feel safe to me there. I didn’t expect to feel this way but honestly? I’m... scared.”
Bruce hated to admit something like that to Justin. There was always a fifty-fifty chance he’d play it off as a joke. And most of the time, that was okay. Bruce had a lot of anxiety and usually it helped to have Justin there to joke about it, to pull him out of a tailspin and set him straight again. But this was different. He was sensitive about this. He didn’t want his very real fear to be turned into a joke.
“Baby,” Justin said kindly, holding out his hand across the bed for him, relief sweeping through Bruce’s body in a visceral way. “You don’t have to be scared. I’ll be there with you. Nothing’s going to happen.”
Bruce huffed because that was such a literal interpretation of what he meant, but he turned and took Justin’s hand anyway, squeezing it, looking at how sincere his face was, like he really was trying to understand. Despite their differences, he knew Justin loved him. It wasn’t Justin’s fault he’d had such a shitty childhood. It was just luck of the draw – and Bruce had always had poor fucking luck.
“I’m not really scared anything is going to happen,” Bruce said as he stared at their hands on the stark white duvet cover, beautiful and puffy and expensive, like at a nice hotel. “I know the ceremony is going to be beautiful and I’m looking forward to it. It’s just going to be hard to be there again. I’m sure it hasn’t changed much and I’m afraid that every time I turn a corner I’m going to be confronted with some painful memory. I've spent half my life running away so that I never had to look back. I’m not sure I’m ready to look yet.”
Justin frowned. Bruce was sure that sounded like psycho-babble nonsense to him – Justin had said as much about their attempted premarital counseling. But it was the truth. And he was sure he was going to get rebuked for it. Justin hated psycho-babble nonsense.
“Maybe it’s better to look back now,” Justin said instead, surprising Bruce. “Close that chapter or whatever they tell you in therapy. Move on – with me.”
Bruce couldn’t help but smile a little, encouraged by the optimistic way Justin smiled over at him, squeezing his hand supportively. Though at times he had his doubts, it was in moments like these that Bruce knew it would work, that Justin was the right choice. Maybe he wasn’t perfect – Bruce wished he was a bit more magnanimous, more caring, more patient, more kind. But who was perfect? It was ridiculous to expect that anyone could check every box. Justin, however, was there . He was patient enough, kind enough – at least towards Bruce. And Bruce shifted to get under the covers with him at his insistence.
“Come here,” he said, opening his arms up for him and Bruce slid in easily, pillowing his head on his shoulder as Justin held him and kissed his forehead. “It’s going to be great, okay? I took care of everything so you didn’t have to.”
“I know,” Bruce replied, not wanting to seem unappreciative of the effort Justin had made since he’d really done basically everything.
“It’s different when you’re visiting a place, anyway. I bet there’s all kinds of touristy shit you never did,” Justin pointed out, though Bruce seriously doubted it. “I booked a beautiful bed and breakfast that’s supposed to have a great view of the foliage over the lake this time of year.”
“I do miss the fall...” Bruce reminisced softly, California nothing like New England in that regard.
“And we could rent a boat and have lunch on the lake one day,” Justin continued and Bruce felt himself relaxing as he pictured that as well, knowing how beautiful Lake Champlain would be this time of year.
“That would be nice,” he agreed.
“There’s an apple orchard about fifteen minutes outside of town –”
“Shelburne?” Bruce asked, looking up at him, and Justin looked back and smiled.
“Yeah, I think so,” he said. “I thought we could go – it would be kind of pointless to pick apples, but we could bring back apple butter and maple syrup for everyone here.”
Bruce chuckled and repositioned his head a little. “There’s a little deli there I think, too. As locals we didn’t really go, but I always heard they had great sandwiches.”
“See?” Justin offered. “It won’t be the same. You’re a tourist from California now. Leaf peeping, or whatever they call it.”
“Okay, maybe you’re right,” he conceded. “Maybe it won’t be that bad. And it will be nice having a few days off before the wedding where it’s just you and me.”
“Like a little pre-honeymoon,” Justin agreed with a smile, and Bruce honestly did feel a little better.
Work had been non-stop recently and the past few months they hadn’t seen much of each other despite living together and working for the same company and that always made Bruce feel ill at ease. Bruce had been so used to being alone before Justin that when they were apart too long he felt disconnected, started to doubt their relationship was even worth it, that he was deluding himself into thinking he deserved a relationship like this. Really, he was thankful that they were lucky enough to get an entire week off together during crunch time for the wedding – though they both agreed to be accessible by phone and email while traveling – and they decided that it would be better to have the reception at the beginning of the New Year, when things had quieted down and they could take a well-deserved honeymoon. He needed this time now to reconnect, to feel more confident about this decision.
Already though Justin had alleviated so much of his anxiety. He knew that he was more afraid of going home than he was afraid of getting married but truthfully marriage wasn’t a position he’d ever really seen himself in. Not since, well – not since Tony. Not that that was viable in any way, shape, or form – high school sweethearts didn’t become husbands, that’s not the way it worked. Especially not for him and Tony. But he wasn’t sure he’d ever really gotten over Tony, either – not completely. Not that he didn’t date, because there was a distinct period of time where he would fall into anybody’s bed to feel anything at all for anyone else. The problem was that no one held a candle to the memory of Tony that Bruce had so delicately constructed in his mind of all the best pieces of their adolescent relationship cut short.
That was until Justin – who had pursued him so relentlessly, so undeservedly, that eventually he was forced to give in and give him a chance. And he was glad now that he did. Justin might not have been perfect, but he was real – not a fanciful memory embellished by youthful indiscretion and immaturity. So really, despite his doubts, Bruce knew he was making the right choice. Even if it felt a little bit like betraying his heart to return home to the place he first fell in love to get married there to somebody else.
Which, frankly, was fucking ridiculous, and he berated himself quickly for the thought. It wasn’t like Tony still lived there, that Bruce was going home to rub it in his face or something. He was probably already married and a Fortune 500 CEO to boot. That was the kind of guy Tony was, the kind who got everything he wanted – even when they were fifteen. Certainly he wouldn’t be lying there in the arms of his fiance thinking about Bruce, so Bruce tried not to let himself play the fool.
“I know you hate this kind of thing, but thank you,” Bruce said, his voice quiet, feeling the way it unsettled Justin though he didn’t try to cut him off this time. “I know I’ve been difficult. My childhood was really fucked up and I’ll probably always be fucked up over it. But since meeting you... This is the most normal I’ve felt in my entire life and I just want to make sure you know that I recognize that I have the life I do now because of you. And I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”
“I think you’re supposed to save your vows for the ceremony,” Justin teased and Bruce laughed.
“Okay, I’ll stop with the cheesy shit now,” he promised, rolling off of Justin so they could actually try to get some sleep – though he doubted he’d be sleeping much tonight.
“The Cabot Creamery is in Vermont, too,” Justin said as he turned over to get comfortable and Bruce grinned.
“It is,” he said, staring at the back of Justin’s head lovingly. “I think maybe you just planned a mini-vacation for yourself. I know of a few wineries.”
“I have confirmed several wineries on Google as well,” Justin said and Bruce could hear the smile on his face as he shook his head, amused.
It really would be okay, Bruce decided as he stared up at the ceiling he’d finally become used to seeing and thinking of as his own. Most likely he wouldn’t even run into anyone he knew. It’s not like they’d go down to the dive bar and have a shitty burger and mingle with the locals – that wasn’t really Justin’s scene and Bruce didn’t want to do that anyway. Only other tourists would be at the B&B as well as the long list of touristy activities Justin had planned. Even if he did see someone he knew, it had been so long they probably wouldn’t even recognize him now. Not when he was returning home as a tourist himself.
Still though, it wasn’t exactly going to be easy either, and Bruce was reluctant to close his eyes. Instead, he spent the better part of an hour trying to memorize every tiny detail of their room so he would be able to close his eyes any time he wanted over the next week and remember the place where he felt safe.