Chapter Text
Gwen stared out the window, waiting for Arthur and Merlin to return. It had been two days since Cammmlan. Two days since Arthur got fatally injured. Two days since Gaius told them that Arthur and Merlin were riding for Avalon, to heal Arthur.
"What if they failed?"
Gwen shaked her head, she couldn't afford to think like that. She had to keep hope that Arthur would come back to her.
But what if he didn't? What if he died? What if she never saw him again? She would have to lead Camelot alone.
"They won't fail, Arthur and Merlin will come back." Gwen told herself firmly, taking deep breaths to steady herself.
She couldn't afford to look weak, not now after such a huge battle and with the king's life being in danger. Her kingdom relied on her to be strong, to be a beacon of light, to guide them and help them heal.
Suddenly she heard a knock, her heart pounding, Gwen turned to face the person, hoping her face didn't give away how close to falling apart she was. "Come in" she told the person at the door
Gwen let a relieved laugh when Merlin entered the room. "Merlin! Your back! Is Arthur-" Gwen started, but the question died down in her throat. One look at Merlin was enough to tell Gwen the answer.
Arthur was dead.
"No"Gwen muttered, collapsing to her knees, sobbing. "No,he-he can't be de-dead" Gwen sobbed, her voice cracking, tears running down her face like a never ending stream.
Merlin knelt down next to her, wrapping her in his arms. She could feel him shaking, which meant that he was probably crying too.
"I'm sorry." he began, breaking away to look at her, his eyes looked puffy and red, he looked so dejected, so lost. As if Arthur had been the only thing keeping him together and now that he was gone, he had finally broke.
"I'm sorry Gwen." he repeated again, averting her eyes and looking at the ground."I should have saved him. I should have been quicker. I should have stopped his death."
"Merlin." Gwen said softly,wiping away his tears."Look at me" she told him, Merlin reluctantly looked up. The look in his eyes was so broken, so defeated that Gwen just wanted to wrap her arms around him and never let anything hurt him again.
"Arthur's death was not your fault. You might have magic Merlin, but that doesn't make you invincible. Ultimately your still human like the rest of us." Gwen squeezed his hand, trying to convey that she held no ill will for him.
Merlin eyes widened and he looked like a startled deer,he looked at the door as if planning to bolt. That thought left a bitter taste in her mouth. The fact that one of her oldest friends, someone who should have been able to trust her, was so scared of her made, her want to scream at the world for being so cruel.
"How-how do you know about that?"Merlin asked her, his voice quivering, as he turned back from the door, looking her in the eyes. His eyes were full of fear. Full of fear from her she noted sadly.
"I figured it out." Gwen said simply shrugging, sighing,Gwen informed him, in what she hoped was a placating tone"Merlin I'm not going to hurt you"
Merlin looked at her as if searching for any signs, that she was lying. Gwen smiled at him, squeezing his hand again, trying to convey without words that she was here for him.
"I should go" Merlin mutterd finally, starting to get up, Gwen pulled him down again.
"What do you mean, you should go?" she asked him incredulously.
"I mean that I should go. I should go from Camelot, I killed Morgana, you don't need me anymore." Merlin informed her in a strange sort of detached monotone voice, as he pulled his hand from her grip and got up. Glancing at the door again, he continued in that same voice" This way you won't have to pretend, you like magic. You won't have to tolerate me. Maybe I'll go to Hel-"
"STOP IT" Gwen shouted, getting to her feet and grabbing Merlin's hands again. "You aren't leaving Merlin. You hear me?So,what if you have magic"Gwen exclaimed, hoping she didn't sound as desperate as she felt.
"IT'S NOT JUST MAGIC"Merlin cried, taking a deep breath, he continued in a more calm voice." I'm the greatest sorcerer to ever live. I'm magic itself."
"So?I'm still not letting you leave. Besides you being magic itself, is proof that magic can't possibly be evil."Gwen told him, palming his cheek. "Because you Merlin are anything but evil."she said softly, looking him in the eyes, Gwen tried to convey without words that his having magic-no, being magic itself changed nothing about how she felt about him.
"I've done some pretty bad things." Merlin whispered, leaning into her touch, still keeping eye contact which Gwen took as a good sign. Tears were running down his face again.
"All for the right reasons, I'm sure."Gwen consoled him, running her finger in circles on his cheek to comfort him.
"Some of them weren't " Merlin muttered, biting his lip.
"It's okay Merlin. You might be magic itself Merlin, but ultimately your still human and like all human beings, your allowed to make mistakes and a few bad choices." Gwen comforted him, as she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him. Merlin immediately hugged her back as if he was drowning and she was his only lifeline. He began sobbing in her arms again.
"I'll let you down Gwen."Merlin sobbed, his body shaking with sobs. " I let Morgana down, I let Arthur down and I'll let u down
too" Merlin said that as if it was a fact, as if it was bound to happen.
Gwen pushed him away, crying herself now, she folded her arms around her chest as if to protect herself. "So that's it? Your just going to leave?"Gwen snapped at Merlin, her voice pleading and
angry. "After Morgana? After Arthur? After Elyan? "Gwen seethed at him, as she glared daggers at Merlin.
"I have to Gwen. "Merlin muttered, looking ashamed but still determined.
"No, no, you don't Merlin" Gwen told him angrily, shaking her head at him.
"You know what? If you leave now Merlin, then I'll follow you." she informed him, she stepped forward and forced him to look at her."Wherever you go Merlin, I'll follow you ." she told him determinedly,"Because I'm not going to lose my best friend too."
"Gwen, you don't understand. I failed. I failed my kind, I failed Arthur, I failed everyone." Merlin said in a hollow tone,he was snatching at his hair , as if trying to pull it out;looking more distraught then Gwen had ever seen him.
"Merlin, please ."Gwen pleaded with him, as she grabbed his hands and stopped him from pulling at his hair. "I can't lose you."she told him softly, her voice cracking.
"Arthur was supposed to bring magic back, you know."he told her in a defeated tone. His face looked so broken, so defeated, and Gwen wanted to give hell to the people who had done this to him.
"Is that the reason why you stayed?" Gwen asked him. She knew that wasn't the truth. That Merlin stayed because Arthur was like a brother to him,but she needed to hear it from Merlin.
"No. "Merlin said, a broken smile on his face. "I stayed because he was like my brother, Gwen, and I couldn't bear losing him."
"Well then, it's time to make him proud." Gwen shouted at him " We can still bring magic back, Merlin, we can still do all the things Arthur was supposed to do. "
"The prophecy said that-"Merlin began, looking as if he believed something like that was impossible but Gwen cut him off.
"Doesn't matter what it says."Gwen chided him in a stern voice, cuffing his head. "We can do this, Merlin, but I can't succeed if you leave, I need you by my side Merlin."Gwen told him, her tone desperate and pleading.
Merlin looked at her for a minute. As if deciding whether to stay or leave.After what seemed like an eternity, he muttered. "Fine, I'll stay. "
Gwen gave a small laugh, throwing her arms around him again, she whispered into his ear "Thank you Merlin." which Gwen didn't understand why, but made him start crying again.
"Arthur said that to me before he died. Those were his last words to me." Merlin told her, hugging her back.
"It's okay, Merlin, it's going to be okay" Gwen comforted him, rubbing soothing circles on his back, some of her own tears falling.
Arthur was dead. The king was dead. Gwen was the sole leader of Camelot now, but she wasn't alone, she had Merlin and all the knights.
And even though dark times were ahead. Even though it was going to take every ounce of persuasion she had to bring magic back and convince the people it wasn't evil, Gwen knew it was going to be okay. They will all heal, it would take time but they will heal with each other's help. And together, Gwen decided, together they were going to build a peaceful Camelot for all.
But for now, she decided, for now they could just stay here, mourning the loss of Arthur.
Chapter 2: Butterflies may be pretty but they aren't enough to make you stay
Notes:
Hey! So here I am! posting after like a fucking year. Sorry about that. I'm like quarter done with the third chapter so that should be here sooner.
As for this chapter.....grab tissues.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Camelot was quiet tonight, the air itself seeming still as if it too knew what had taken place earlier that day ; As if it was aware that everything had changed now and would never be the same again.
Maybe Merlin should have gone to the coronation, should have been there to show his support for Gwen. He just wasn't sure he could manage seeing it take place in front of him. He couldn't bear to see Arthur being announced dead because that would only remind him that he had failed. It would only serve as a bitter reminder that Arthur was irrevocably dead.
And he really didn't have anyone to blame but himself, did he? It was all his fault for not being faster and killing Mordred before he could have even come close to Arthur. He had been stupid enough to lose his magic, which had caused him to be too late to save Arthur. It was all his fault for not being enough.
Merlin got up from his spot on the bed, frustratedly wiping the few tears that had fallen. He needed something to do, something that would take his mind off of everything that had happened.
Gaius was out tonight with Geoffrey but Merlin remembered the physicians saying something about needing to organise his medicines. That would be a good job to occupy his mind for the time being.
The smell of herbs and potions was familiar to him, it gave him a sense of normalcy and comfort. Those were the two things that Merlin knew he desperately needed even if it was a delusion.
He had only been arranging the medicines for a while, his mind finally quietened down due to the mind-numbing task, when he heard the door open.
"You're back early." Merlin commented, continuing on with his work. He knew Gaius usually liked to stay out much longer when he was with Geoffrey.
"I wasn't even aware that I was supposed to be here." A voice that decidedly wasn't Gaius quipped from behind. Gwen.
Merlin froze in his place, eyes going wide as he registered the fact that Gwen was actually here. Futily, he cleared his throat and racked his brain for something to say. What could be said to her though? That he was sorry for missing the most important and heartbreaking day of her life? Sorry that he had let her down like he had said he would? Just like he always did with everyone he knew?
"Gwaine woke up for a while today, you know." Gwen told him when he failed to do anything and the silence got unbearable.
"He did?" Merlin's voice was barely more than a whisper, gathering up all his courage to tear his eyes away from the medicines and look at Gwen.
"I'm quite surprised that the first thing he asked for wasn't ale." Gwen mused which elicited a weak laugh out of Merlin.
He was glad he had managed to save Gwaine. When Percival had arrived with him on death's doors it had felt like all hope was lost. Then, Gwen had given him permission to use his magic which allowed him to be able to heal Gwaine. Merlin was glad that he had, that Gwaine was alive and there didn't need to be another funeral. He was sure all of them couldn't handle another death so soon after Arthur.
Merlin was terrified, however. Terrified that Gwen had suddenly changed her mind and despised magic. Despised him.
Since then, Merlin had taken to avoiding Gwen like the plague, fearing that the next time the queen saw him she would be ordering for his execution. Or worse, banish him. He would rather be dead than alive, knowing that Gwen hated him.
"What did Gwaine say?" Merlin asked, curious to know what the knight had wanted.
Gwen's face crumpled and the smile that had been there vanished. " He asked if he didn't fail Arthur, if he was still alive."
Oh.
"What did you tell him?" Merlin knew it was a useless question, already knew what Gwen's reply must have been but he still needed to hear it.
"The truth." Gwen said in a tight voice, fists clenching as if took everything in her to keep her composure.
Merlin nodded, knowing that even though it might bring no peace to Gwaine, he deserved nothing less than the truth. Him thinking he had failed Arthur though…..
"He didn't fail Arthur." Because Gwaine hadn't failed Arthur. That was Merlin's and only his burden to bear.
"I told him as much." Gwen assured him, nodding. "You didn't fail him either." She added, making him wonder if she could actually read minds or if he was that transparent.
"Gwen-"
"You did everything you could, Merlin!" Gwen exclaimed, banging a hand on the table, her composure starting to slip slightly.
"I should have done more, " Merlin argued, his voice shaking from all the regret and pain swirling in him that he hadn't done more.
"Stop." Gwen pleaded, a few astray tears falling from her eyes. " Just stop." Gwen repeated, shaking her head.
"I don't even know why you let me stay here, I'll only end up failing you too." Merlin continued, ignoring her plea. She needed to know how much of a big mistake it was to think that he wouldn't fail. After all, that's what he always ended up doing.
"Perhaps because you're my best friend and I don't want to lose you." Gwen snapped at him, her eyes flashing with anger and her tears falling steadily now. " Perhaps because I've already lost my sister, my brother and now my husband and I don't want to lose another person dear to me."
Merlin shared in shock at her, trying to find some kind of response to that but it was as if he had forgotten how to speak. What could be even said to that?
Gwen was staring at him too, waiting patiently for him to say something but Merlin still couldn't find anything to say.
"Merlin, just because Arthur is gone doesn't mean that you are no longer needed here." Gwen told him firmly, reaching forward to lay one of her hands on his shoulder.
"What am I supposed to do now?" Merlin asked, a hollow laugh escaping him at Gwen's words. He wished that Gwen could actually answer his question because he sure couldn't. What were you supposed to do when the purpose of your life was ripped away from you?
"You're supposed to stay and help me bring back magic." She sounded so certain of it, so sincere of that, that Merlin almost believed it himself.
"I'll end up failing you." Merlin whispered, stepping back to put some distance between them even though it pained him to do so like hell. If it was in Gwen's best interest then Merlin would do it.
"No, you won't," Gwen insisted, her tone determined with an underlying anger in it. "Merlin, you did everything you could. I know that and I need you to believe that too."
Merlin shook his head, wishing more that what Gwen had said was true. It wasn't though because if he had done everything he could then Arthur would still be alive.
"That isn't true."
Gwen shutted her eyes, her lips thinning as if she was trying to stop herself from completely breaking. Had she even given herself more time to grieve Arthur other than the conversation they had?
"Merlin, please don't make me lose you too." Gwen pleaded with him, her voice shaky. Merlin could only look at her silently, wishing he could take all her pain away.
"Gwen-" Merlin began but stopped immediately when he heard Gwen let out a sob.
"Please." She repeated and sounded completely desperate now.
Merlin only stood there in silence, doing nothing more than staring at Gwen.
He should go now; He should leave before he has any more chances to hurt her. Before he inevitably failed her.
But-
He couldn't. Not like this. Not when Gwen was pleading with him to stay and looking like another loss might break her.
He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Gwen, rubbing soothing circles on her back as he tried to muster up the strength to say goodbye to another loved one.
"I always end up failing the people I love, Gwen." Merlin whispered hoarsely, resting his chin on his head.
Will, Freya, Balinor, Morgana, Lancelot, Aithusa and now Arthur. He had only failed them all. He couldn't add Gwen to that list.
"You haven't failed me." Gwen reminded him furiously, pulling back to look him in the eyes while her hand reached down to squeeze his hand tightly." You haven't and won't fail me." Gwen's voice was bursting with nothing but sincerity; She truly did believe what she was saying.
"I can't stay and lose you." Merlin admitted, feeling extremely small. He couldn't stay and lose her; Going away meant that he would be keeping her safe from the destruction he brought.
"And I can't lose you!" Gwen cried out, voice steadily rising with emotion as she rubbed at her eyes wildly. "Could you at least just stay for a while?" Gwen asked him, eyes alighting with hope. She took a deep breath as if she was pulling herself together again.
Merlin was completely taken aback by that, once again completely at a loss on what to say.
The wise choice would be for him to go immediately. He was Merlin after all, he only managed to fail. He was absolutely worthless now, just someone who had failed to fulfill the purpose of his, now worthless life.
A worthless deceitful failure, that's all Merlin would ever be.
Gwen sighed, shaking her head and started to turn towards the door. "I'll take my leave then. Just please come say goodbye before you leave." Merlin didn't think he had ever heard Gwen sound so dejected, so broken. And he hated that he was the one who caused it.
Merlin couldn't tear his eyes from her retreating back, knowing bitterly that this was for her own good but wishing that it could be different. That he didn't have to leave his best friend.
"Gwen." Her name was out of his mouth before he could think better of it.
Gwen turned around to face him, her previously defeated expression giving way to varying between hope and wariness. "What?"
He should say anything else, he should let her leave anything really except for deciding to stay.
Yet as Merlin stared at Gwen, some part of him knew this wasn't a smart choice. He would be hurting Gwen, hurting all of them more than he could ever imagine.
Maybe, just maybe he would stay for a while. Just until all of their wounds were somewhat healed.
"I'll give it a try." Merlin gave her a watery smile.
Gwen bounded across the room and wrapped her arms tightly around him as if she planned to never let him go. Merlin might have complained if he hadn't been hugging her back just as tightly.
Gwen was shaking in his arms, tears cascading down both their faces freely.
"When was the last time you let yourself fully grieve for him?" Merlin asked her, though be feared he already knew the answer.
"I'm the queen Merlin. I can't afford to look weak." Gwen scoffed. Just hearing those familiar words made his heart ache.
"You're still allowed to grieve him, queen or not." Merlin retorted shortly. He refused to let Gwen go down the same path Arthur had.
She was silent for a moment after that and Merlin wondered if he had said something wrong.
"It hurts to do it ." Gwen said finally, voice sounding devoid of any of her usual warmth. " So, I throw myself into work to help numb the pain." Merlin didn't know where to hug her more tightly or shake her after hearing that.
"It doesn't work that way." Merlin insisted, though a voice in his head reminded him that he had never really let himself grieve anyone too. That didn't matter though, Merlin hadn't had the time or deserved to grieve them when he was the reason they were dead
Gwen however, she was different and deserved to grieve as much as she wanted to. She shouldn't have to bottle it all up and act like she was fine.
"You're allowed to grieve him as much as you want to." Merlin continued, pulling back to offer a warm smile to Gwen.
"I just miss him so much everyday." Gwen sobbed, wiping away her tears.
" I do too " Merlin sighed sadly because not a day had passed by where he didn't think of Arthur.
Gwen only looked at him before smiling at him," We'll just have to grieve for him together and heal then." Gwen decided, patting his head.
"Yeah, I guess we will." Merlin mustered up a grin and rested his head again on Gwen's.
"Have you eaten something?" Gwen asked, her eyebrow raised accusingly. It was so high that he quietly wondered if she had been taking lessons from Gaius.
Merlin blushed, biting his lips in lieu of an answer and averting his eyes from Gwen. A groan came from above his eyesight, Gwen having deduced that the answer was no.
"Right." Gwen snorted and shook her head at him as she pulled him towards the door. "Come on then." She beckoned him.
"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Merlin was extremely wary about sneaking to the kitchens. "The cook doesn't take kindly to food stealers." He had been on the other end of Marion's temper far too many times to not be terrified of the woman.
"I'm the queen, I can't steal from my own castle." Gwen laughed, waving off his concern
"I'm not sure that matters to her." Merlin said and shuddered as he imagined facing Marion's wrath. That did nothing to deter Gwen, who was now opening the door to the infirmary.
"We'll just have to risk it then." Gwen shrugged, a feral grin on her face that reminded her of the servant he had first met. So much had changed about both of them but maybe some things remained the same.
Merlin was smiling as he let her drag him into the candle-lit corridor.
Food sounded great to him, just about now
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"Do it again." Gwen told Merlin, eyes still fixated on the place where the butterfly had flown off to. The warlock that lay beside her groaned and grumbled under his breath about overbearing queens.
The skies were clear today and Gwen could feel the sun shining down on her, the sound of a million critters and birdsong filling her ears. She and Merlin had snuck off to a picnic, today being one of the rare days when she had free-time. Or well, had shucked all her responsibilities to Leon with the excuse of being sick.
It didn't matter though, it had been far too long since they had done this. Gwen refused to let it go on any longer, especially with how much more withdrawn the warlock had become. He needed her by his side and all the nobles could go to hell, for all that she cared.
The clearing they were in seemed so much more peaceful than the castle. The smell of wood and leaves wafted through the air, the sight of trees on all four sides of her made her feel so content.
"Please?" Gwen turned to her side to bat her eyelashes at him. As expected, Merlin immediately softened and the next moment a butterfly was taking flight again. Gwen tried to hide her victorious smirk but it was in vain if the disgruntled look on Merlin's face was anything to go by.
"They all look beautiful." Gwen wished she had the power to freeze time because the beaming smile on Merlin's face was enough to melt a frozen heart.
"You really think so?" Merlin asked her and her heart ached at how disbelieving he sounded at that simple praise. How had they not noticed him suffering silently for so long? He looked as if a single wrong word from her would end him. Any Indication of distaste for his magic from her would shatter him.
Gwen once again strengthened her resolve to keep showing her appreciation of his magic. It was beautiful and miraculous and deserved to be seen not hidden in the shadows. Just like Merlin himself.
"Your magic is incredible, Merlin." Gwen assured him, trying not to scream at the world when she noticed his eyes fill with shock and pride. Had no one ever informed him before that his magic was something so glorious that Gwen could scarcely believe it existed?
"Tell me more about everything?" She wanted to know more of what her friend had done, of the times he had saved them and they hadn't even known. She might be a little late in expressing her gratitude but she would be damned if she didn't.
"It's not all good." Merlin warned her and Gwen scoffed.
"Don't care. Tell me."
Merlin huffed and rolled his eyes but Gwen knew he would relent. Or well, at least she hoped so."Alright." Merlin turned over onto his stomach and propped himself up on his elbows, face turned towards her. "Don't blame me when you want to banish me."
"That won't happen." Gwen stated firmly.
The warlock closed his eyes, breathing in deeply. Gwen waited, letting him find his words. Idly she wondered how terrifying it must have been for him those ten years, having to lie and hide from your closest friends or risk death. How Merlin had coped with only Gaius there to support him Gwen would never come to understand.
"It was hard." Merlin started, voice a little hoarse. "I had just arrived at Camelot a mere day ago. The first thing I had seen upon entering was the execution of someone. Someone like me. And at the time I didn't feel so terrified. The fear of it all didn't happen for a while, really. After that? I was too afraid, too much of a coward, too paranoid to even...." Merlin's voice hitched and Gwen grabbed his hand in hers bringing it forward to cup her own cheek. She wished she could take away the pain in his eyes, make whatever ghosts that were still so clearly haunting him go away. Yet,all she could do was just listen to him.
"Even tell someone of my own kind the truth about me." Merlin whispered and Gwen didn't even need to wonder who that might be. There had been only one magic user that could make Merlin feel so guilty, only one magic-user who had betrayed them all.
"Morgana wasn't your fault." Gwen said fiercely, grip on Merlin's hand tightening. Merlin's eyes widened in surprise as if he couldn't quite believe his ears and Gwen wanted to shake him for thinking she would blame him so easily.
How had she missed the guilt this man in front of her carried? She had known there was something more to Merlin and Morgana, some kind of hostility but until now though she had never known why.
"I could have helped her. I could have done so much more. I could have reached out and taught her everything she needed to know. She wouldn't have become what she did if i had just told her!" Merlin exclaimed, voice cracking near the end as he snatched his hand away from hers and shutted his eyes. He seemed to be chock full of guilt and anger at himself, as if this one choice meant he was a coward. Oh, what she would give to make him understand he was one of the most courageous men she had ever encountered since the very first day she met him.
Most men would have run, most men would have hid. Gwen certainly wouldn't have blamed them. Camelot had often seemed like a trap for death. Not Merlin though, Merlin had never been one to hide when fighting was an option when only his life was at stake.
"Merlin, it was your secret to give and if you chose not to then that is no one's business. Not Morgana's, not mine and not even Arthur's. " She stated, anger coursing through her veins as she saw Merlin open his eyes and shake his head. Who had made him believe his life mattered so little?
"It isn't" Gwen repeated, conviction ringing in her tone. " Merlin, this was a secret that would very well be giving power over your life to someone. Even if you knew about Morgana, she still held an advantage over you by being the king's ward." Images of what might have happened if Morgana had known and had opted to reveal his secret ran through her head. The shock and terror on his face at being sold out, being dragged to the dungeons and not even putting up a fight only seeming betrayed and defeated. His head rolling down as he was……he was-
Gwen put a hand over her mouth, nausea churning in her stomach at the image and making her feel like throwing up her breakfast. There was a strange sense of relief there too, a reminder that that image would never become a reality.
"You can't control what Morgana did. Her decisions and choices were hers to make and she didn't choose us. I can understand her pain and anger at Uther, at Camelot. But I can never, never forgive her for the hurt and anger she caused us." Gwen felt tears prickle at her eyes, her voice going taut as she recalled what Morgana had become. She might have been a dear friend once but she had turned out to be just like Uther at the end. Or had the signs for that always been there and she had just been foolish enough to miss it all?
" I never thought…" Merlin stopped, gulping visibly as he conjured up the nerve to go on. Morgana was always going to be a sore subject it seemed. "I never thought she would turn into him."
Gwen laughed bitterly, wiping away the tears in her eyes." Me neither." She admitted, meeting Merlin's eyes which were glistening with hurt and guilt which she was sure hers were too. " It isn't our fault though. Morgana could make her own choices and she chose the enemy. Not us. We have nothing to be blamed for even you."
Reaching forward, she gripped his arm and squeezed it in a manner she hoped was reassuring and let him know that she meant what she said. If it was also there to reassure herself that she hadn't managed to lose her best friend then no one needed to know that.
"I'll try to remember that." Merlin muttered and somehow Gwen knew that he meant it. "Now did I tell you about how I met the dragon that almost burned down Came-"
Gwen groaned and ran a hand over her face which effectively cutting Merlin off. Just those few words were enough to tell her this was going to be an angering tale to listen to especially if she did intend on listening to every word.
That didn't mean she couldn't delay it a while though.
"Let's have lunch first." Gwen suggested, pushing Merlin towards where the picnic basket was as she sat up.
"You just want a distraction." Merlin grumbled but Gwen took notice of the fact that he didn't put up much of a protest as he sat up and dragged the picnic basket towards them using magic.
Apparently, neither of them were excited for that particular tale.
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"Gwen." Merlin raced after the her and grabbed her hand, pulling her to a stop. "Gwen, you cannot fight a dragon." Merlin reminded his fuming friend, putting emphasis on the dragon part in hopes that Gwen would understand the ridiculousness of her mission.
Gwen sniffed and still didn't looking deterred at all from her self appointed mission. "You said he's dying right? He won't be that hard to kill then." Gwen said decisively, brushing off his hand and continuing on her way towards the armory.
"He's still a dragon! You can't fight him with just a sword!" Merlin exclaimed, wondering quietly why he had ever told Gwen about Kilgharrah in the first place. He should have known she would react like this when she heard……. about some of the more questionable things he had done.
"Yes I can, you told me exactly where to hit him remember?" Gwen, chirruped, a broad victorious grin on her face as she turned around to face him. Telling her that had clearly been another mistake in his judgement.
"I understand that you're mad about the Camelot thing but I assure you that will not happen again." Merlin hoped Gwen could see how much he understood that pain and anger. Memories of people wounded, dying and forever scarred by Kilgharrah still had him waking up shaking and crying in bed. He might have forgiven the dragon for that but he could never forget how easily he had turned from friend to foe the minute Merlin was of no use to him. It had been a constant reminder through the years to never give him too much leeway, no matter how much time had passed.
Though maybe he had forgotten it given what became of Aithusa.
"That is only one of the many things I'm angry at him for." Gwen snarled and Merlin felt as if someone had dropped an ice cold bucket of water on him. One of the many things? What other wrongs had Kilgharrah done to Gwen?
"There are other things?" Merlin raised an eyebrow as he saw Gwen's face go through a variation of emotions. Really, what else was there to be mad about? Was he missing something?
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE ARE-" Gwen shouted before stopping abruptly as if just remembering they were outside. Her eyes were flashing with rage now, fists balled at her sides and Merlin realized with dread that maybe that hadn't been the best thing to say.
"There are many other things, of that I assure you." Gwen said clippedly and looking a bit insulted that Merlin didn't already know that.
Honestly though, how was he supposed to know? What else even was there? Kilgharrah hadn't been the best but Merlin could see no other reason for Gwen to be mad at him.
"First, he basically told you that the fate of an entire civilization rested on you. The prosperity of a kingdom rested on you and the life of the magic hating king's son RELIED ON YOU!" Gwen was clearly on a roll now, voice raised to a shout near the end. Her rage was clear in every word and gesture she made.
Merlin didn't know if that made him feel annoyed or loved. On one hand, it was quite amazing to know Gwen cared so much about him. On the other hand, she seemed to be making it seem a lot worse than it actually was.
"Not to mention! He told you to kill a child. A child. Who does that? Why would anyone do that? " Gwen cried and Merlin immediately took a step back, eyes averting to the floor at the reminder of Mordred.
He should have killed him that day. Kilgharrah had warned him of what might come if he didn't and Merlin had still let him live. Despite working so hard to protect Arthur he had already paved the path for his downfall by letting Mordred live.
All because he had been a coward, too soft, too naive.
All because he had thought he could know better than destiny.
"Merlin!" Gwen called, grabbing his shoulder and chin to force him to meet her eyes. "You did nothing wrong." She sounded so sure, so convinced of that and Merlin wanted nothing more in that moment for it to be true just to make her happy.
"I should've killed him." Merlin's eyes hardened even as he heard Gwen inhale sharply. There was no doubt in his mind that everything would've worked out fine if he had just killed Mordred.
"He was a child, Merlin. A child!" Gwen shook him slightly as if she could simply change his mind by that. " How could a child be evil?"
"Arthur would be alive if he was dead." Merlin snapped back but immediately regretted it when Gwen immediately drew back with her eyes open wide.
"That doesn't justify killing a child." Gwen pointed out, voice wobbling slightly. Merlin felt a stab of guilt at that and even more when he saw her eyes glistening in the candlelight. "You did the right thing at the time Merlin, how cou-"
"IT WASN'T RIGHT IF IT MEANT ARTHUR'S DEATH!" Merlin shouted, his control finally snapping. What was so hard to understand? Arthur, his best friend, her husband would still be alive if Merlin had let go of his childish ideals and morals then. But he hadn't and now he would forever have to live with the consequences it brought.
"Merlin." Gwen sounded so cold, face devoid of any of the usual joy it carried that looking at it made dread crawl up his spine. " I would rather my husband be dead then learn that you succeeded in your attempt to kill a child."
Somehow, even with it being one of the warmest nights of the year, Merlin had never felt colder than he did now. It was as if the cold dreary winter had come early this year but only to where they both were standing, shocked into silence by Gwen's words.
"You don't mean that." Merlin said, looking at Gwen pleadingly as if that alone could change what she had just claimed ; As if it would ever be enough to make her change her mind.
Gwen looked at him for a moment, eyes devoid of any of the usual fire they carried, lips pursed as she seemed to ponder over her words. "I do." Merlin wasn't aware two words could feel so damning but apparently they could.
"Then you are nothing to me" Merlin told her, his own eyes glistening with unshed tears now as Gwen faltered, her own eyes shining with hurt and anger over his words.
"If agreeing to kill a child is mandatory to meeting a standard to being something to you, then I'm glad I'm nothing to you." Gwen spat, her words hitting like a knife to his heart. "I'll see you later Merlin" Gwen said, patting down her dress and walking away. Merlin watched her go, sure that her last words were nothing more than a lie.
It was time. He knew what he needed to do and he had been prepared to do this and he should have done it from the start. He had let himself be fooled into thinking he could actually stay when………
There was no place for him in Camelot.
________________________________________________
Weak sunlight filled the room, lightning up her desk and casting shadows on the walls, a stray ray of sunlight falling on the bed where she sat.
She could hear the birds outside chirping, voices of the servants as they got ready for work and yet none of it seemed real.
"IT WASN'T RIGHT IF IT MEANT ARTHUR'S DEATH!"
Did he really think that way? How? How could he value other people's life so little when compared to Arthur. What made him believe that?
She had heard all of the stories, the diamir, Morgana's first takeover and second, what Merlin had done to ensure Arthur won back his kingdom. Cendred's attack on Camelot and what had actually happened, what Morgana had actually done. How his hand had been forced to poison Morgana and to free the Great Dragon. How the event had led to his father's untimely death, how he had dealt with Kilgharrah. Nimueh and her death and how Merlin had survived that, Gwen would never know. The witchfinder, the goblin, Elena's curse, the love potion……..
Most of them had one thing in common. One thing that Merlin had been doing in most of them, something Gwen could never understand how he did so easily. How did one keep saving the very kingdom that hated every one of his kind. Why would anyone do that? Why treasure the life of that kingdom's crown prince so much?
What had Kilgarrah even promised him? Filled his head with, for him to give up his freedom so easily? She couldn't say he just wanted magic back, now could she? Not after hearing what happened with the Triple Goddess.
Gwen felt a surge of anger rise at that, remembering how easily Merlin had given up his freedom, how Arthur hadn't even considered magic being good despite all his words. The world might have been a much better place if both of them hadn't followed their fears or prejudices that day.
She rubbed her temples as she felt exhaustion wash over her. It would have been a wise choice to get sleep but everything had felt like a raging storm in her head before.
It was too late to regret that now all she could do was to figure out how to patch things up with Merlin. She didn't agree with his views at all but it wasn't something to lose her closest friend over. Not when they both needed each other.
Besides,who was she to judge when she could never even understand how dark that decade of hiding must have been. How much it would have asked him to give up his heart and soul just to protect them all.
He wouldn't leave, right? He knew that she needed him, she had told him as much. Gaius was there but after hearing somethings, Gwen wasn't sure if she trusted him to stop Merlin at all. He was nowhere as bad as Kilgharrah but that didn't make him completely blameless for the paranoid shell of a person her best friend had turned into.
Were any of them blameless? Hadn't all of them played a part in making Merlin the way he was now?
A knock on the door sounded, startling her out of her line of thinking. Frowning, Gwen made her way towards the door. It wasn't late enough for Casey to come wake her yet, right?
It wasn't Casey's round face that greeted her that early morning but the weary face of her physician.
"Gaius?" Gwen asked, confused as to why he would even be here this early morning. Nothing bad had happened right?
There was only one thing that could happen and…..
No.
No.
He wouldn't leave like that, right? How could he even leave so easily? Without even telling her? When he knew that she needed him? She had feared that he might but she had never considered that he might actually do it.
Gwen felt lightheaded, the panic making blood rush to her brain and bile rise in her throat at the realization of what might have happened.
Still though, it wasn't confirmed was it? Gaius could be here for multiple reasons, it didn't have to be Merlin's departure.
Please, please let it be anything but that. She didn't know how she could cope if he was-
If she may never see him again, how was she supposed to deal with that? Let it be anything but that, she would take anything over that.
Gwen choked back tears and forced herself to remain calm. There was no truth to her fears, not yet anyway.
"Come in." Gwen said, trying to keep the turmoil inside her hidden away. She wondered if it mattered given how dazed and defeated Gaius looked. That was never a good sign and Gwen could only hope it didn't mean her worst fears had come true.
"He left." Gaius blurted out, as soon as he stepped into the room, immediately shattering Gwen's composure as she felt tears stream down her face.
"When?" Could she stop him? If she was fast enough, she might be able to catch him, to bring him-
"Immediately after the……fight."
-Except she couldn't because he had been gone for hours and hours. All that time wasted wallowing when she should have been stopping him. She should have known Merlin would be stupid enough to leave immediately. Should have known that the fight would be enough to convince him to leave.
"Why didn't you stop him?" Gwen whispered, her tone accusing as she glared at Gaius.
Whirling around to face her, Gaius looked positively livid now, at her or him she didn't know.
"You think I didn't try?" Gaius sounded full of regret and sadness that Gwen understood all too well. "He wouldn't listen,Gwen.Not after everything." Gaius sighed and grabbed one of the chairs so tightly that his knuckles turned white. Gwen gestured with her head for him to sit down. The old physician looked like he was on the brink of falling down after all.
"Was there really nothing that could have been done? " Gwen asked, taking a seat beside Gaius. He seemed to have aged decades just because of Merlin's departure and Gwen would be lying if she said she didn't feel older than she was at most times. This certainly only added to that.
Had Merlin really left Camelot thinking none of them would miss him when so many of its inhabitants would miss him so much after his departure.
She was going to kill that overly pompous and dramatic dragon.
"With Merlin?" Giving a humorless laugh, the man turned to face Gwen "Only an extremely few people could do that." Gaius explained wryly.
Gwen toyed with her ring, her stomach in knots with guilt after hearing that. Had she been one of those few people? Had she once again failed him?
"It doesn't matter." Gwen reminded herself, forcefully bringing herself to reality rather than fantasizing about being able to stop Merlin. The reality remained that he was gone and Gwen had no idea of what to do next.
Life would go on as normal, it would all be the same except nothing could be the same because another integral part of her life was just taken away. How long till it was all gone?
Gwen raised a hand to her mouth, muffling the sob that managed to escape.Everything was too much, the world was rushing past her and Gwen didn't know how to breathe properly.
"Gwen." Gaius said, he sounded more grave than she had ever heard him and that only made her cry harder. He was gone. Merlin was gone. " You must calm yourself."
Gwen opened her mouth, trying to will words of reassurance to come out but they all seemed to be stuck in her throat. How could she reassure him anyway? What could be said to ease the Merlin shaped hole in their hearts?
"He'll come back." Gaius reassured her and Gwen wished she could feel as sure as he sounded, like there was no other way except for Merlin to come back.
"Why?" Gwen finally managed to get out, voice hoarse from crying.
"Because that boy is too selfless for his own good." Gaius sighed and his eyes were filled with more sadness and guilt than she could ever comprehend." I should have sent him away the minute I met him." Gaius muttered and Gwen couldn't tell if he was jesting or not.
"Maybe." Gwen agreed, staring blankly at the wall behind Gaius and imagining what a life without Merlin would be. It seemed impossible but Gwen supposed she would soon be finding her answer.
"I should take my leave." Gaius bowed before making his way to the door. Gwen watched him go with a mixture of numbness and defeat settling in her chest.
"If you want to stop by the infirmary, feel free to do so." Gaius said, turning back to her and offering her the first, albeit still weak, smile since he had entered.
"I'll keep that in mind." Gwen said. She was grateful that Gaius had offered that because she wasn't sure if she would have been able to cope if she didn't still have him to go to.
Or talk about some of the things Merlin had told her.
"Good day, your majesty." And with that Gaius was out leaving Gwen alone again.
Only this time, all of her world had been changed for the worse once again.
Taking a deep breath, Gwen pulled herself together and tried to put the saddening thoughts out of her mind. There would be time for those later, right now she had her duties to fulfil.
Besides it wasn't as if her thoughts alone could bring Merlin back. He was irrevocably gone and despite Gaius's words, Gwen wasn't sure if he would ever come back.
Why come back to a place that hunted you for the very thing you were, when he could live somewhere where he was allowed to be free? Be anything? Do anything?
No, Gwen decided morosely,Merlin might never be coming back.
It was up to all the people whose life he had touched to learn how to live life without Merlin again.
_________________________________________________
What was one to do when the person had just lost another one of their loved ones? Most people would tell you the answer was mourn.
Most people didn't have the weight of an entire kingdom on themselves and could be seen falling apart. They didn't need to sit through meetings with pretentious and self absorbed nobles who would jump on her like animals if she dared show one sign of weakness. So no, Gwen was not allowed such a privilege.
She couldn't be seen falling apart now, even if it had barely been hours since he decided to-
Since she ha-
Merlin had left Camelot, lef-
"Hold it together." Gwen mentally told herself firmly, swallowing down a sob and schooling her face to look interested.
The meeting droned on, the information barely registering in her even as she responded. She was floating and an outsider to her own life. Nothing seemed real and she didn't know how to ground herself to reality. Did she even want to? What was the point of coming back to a reality where all her loved ones kept leaving.
Lord Harold was chattering about the decrease of crops and some ceremony that was approaching. Gwen couldn't be particularly bothered to care until-
"Attacked by rogue magic users-"
"Who was attacked?" Gwen asked, all her attention on the pasty faced noble sitting two seats down to her right. Magical people were already attacking? So soon after Morgana's defeat?
She had hoped she would have more time to figure out what to do but alas it seemed the odds were not in her favour.
"Lord Benard's lands, my lady. Fires all over town ; It was a massacre" Harold explained and Gwen's heart droppped to her stomach.
God, she wished Merlin was here with her so she could ask for his insight on this later on. They had started a system of figuring out what to do with things concerning the kingdom together to lighten the burden on her shoulders Merlin had said, before he had-
Left.
This was up to her and her only now. There was no Arthur or Merlin to help her. Whatever she chose could be the next step in forging the future of the kingdom.
(Now she knew why Arthur had always been so happy to leave his responsibilities behind)
A butterfly flying away made by magic. A princess saved from a curse. A kingdom won back twice by using magic. Two curses on her removed by magic. Her and her loved ones, alive because of magic.
All because of magic. All because of one magic- user.
Merlin.
The choice had never been more clear in her mind. Merlin might be gone but the plan remains the same.
"I want any of them found to be brought back here, if that is possible." Gwen ordered and looked around the room to assess the reactions of the nobles before uttering her next words. "It is time to think about our stance on magic."
As predicted outrage broke out in the room and most of them looked disgusted by the mere idea. Gwen already felt tired by the prospect of having to deal with them all.
"Your husband would have never-"
"Magic only brings us-"
"There is no need to th-"
"I will not be dissuaded." Gwen slammed a hand down on the table to catch their attention, voice loud as to be heard over the tirade of the nobles. None of them looked happy to be interrupted in their hateful spiel about magic but Gwen wasn't concerned by that.
"We'll discuss this more at a later date." Gwen said, her tone final and brooking no room for argument. "For now, i think it will be wise to end the meeting here."
The nobles - albeit reluctantly - started to shuffle outside. All of them were muttering amongst themselves and casting dirty looks over their shoulders at her. Gwen pursed her lips and reigned her anger in when she heard one of them say something about a magical lover.
It would do no good if she were to blow up now. She was the queen, she had to remain calm and stable no matter what. Even when people were talking complete nonsense around her.
How was she going to accomplish this when she had lost the only magic-user on their side? Gwen had no solution so far for that. Where was she to even start from?
He was gone. He had left them, thus leaving her to complete the task they had promised to do together.
Leaving her even though he had agreed to stay. Leaving her even if he knew how much she needed him ; How she couldn't afford to lose anyone else.
How could he? Why couldn't he understand that she needed him.
The least he could have done was say his goodbyes to her but she wasn't even worthy of that honour, it seemed.
Maybe he never had forgiven her completely for the things she had done under Morgana's control. Had that made him think she cared so little for him? She had said that she did care for him, but had he ever believed it? Even a little? Had that played a part in it?
Ater all, it wasn't as if her nights weren't haunted by dreams that were memories of everything that had happened.
Weak, she was so weak and so much could have been prevented if she had been stronger and if she had fought back harder then maybe things would have been better, maybe she could have never hurt Merlin.
Maybe she could have somehow saved Arthur too.
Gwen shook her head, trying to quieten her thoughts as she approached the door to her chambers only to startle upon seeing the person standing there.
"Gwaine?" Gwen called making the dark haired knight turn to face her, his expression stony.Had something happened? She had thought everything was fine with him.
"What did you say to him?" Gwaine's usual cheer was completely gone from his voice, instead he sounded cold and detached making her feel more on edge.
"Who?" Gwen entered her chambers, Gwaine following closely behind her.
"Merlin."
Gwen gave a start and somehow managed to trip over air upon hearing just his name. Dread crawled up her spine at the thought that Gwaine found out Merlin had left and even more that she would have to lie to him about it. How had Merlin stayed hidden for this long?
"Why do you assume I said anything?" Gwen challenged him, whirling around to face him head on even though she knew he was completely right. It was her fault that he had left, her fault for getting angry with him, for not finding him immediately after the fight.
"Because Leon and Percival say they didn't do anything. Gaius said the same so you are the only one who could have done anything!" Gwaine cried out, pointing a finger accusingly at her. For one bizarre moment she wondered what the nobles would say if they saw a knight acting like this before guilt washed over her all over again. She had no idea what to say because really what could she say? That it wasn't her fault? How could she look anyone in the eye and lie like that?
"After all, you do have the most power over him." Gwaine said lowly and his brown eyes seemed to be aflame with disgust. She had what now?
Gwen frowned, squinting her eyes suspiciously at Gaine. He couldn't know, right? Merlin had told her he didn't but......
Those words didn't really make any sense unless he knew, did they?
"What do you mean?" Gwen asked, careful to keep her emotions in check as to not give too much away. She wasn't going to give up her best friend's secret just because of some foolish hope.
Gwaine's eyes flitted around the room, his brows furrowing together as if he was contemplating what to say and as if he was weighing the risks and the benefits it might bring. He nodded to himself after a while, seeming to have made a decision and met her eyes once again.
"His magic." Gwaine whispered but in the quiet room and in Gwen's head it seemed to echo around, the words throwing her for a loop. He knew.
Gwen practically fell on the chair, resting her head on her arms on the table and letting out a breathy laugh. It seemed Merlin had one more person on his side than he had believed.
"It wasn't about magic." Gwen would have been a fool to shun merlin for all he had done. Yet, that had been exactly what she had ended up doing. "It was just….a difference of opinion. I thought we could talk it over after taking time to cool off. I guess Merlin had other plans." Plans like to leave her here alone just after she had told him she needed him. All because of one heated argument ; All because she had lost her cool once.
Was that all it took to break them? Was their bond really that fragile.
"I never thought I would see the day Merlin left Camelot " Gwaine sighed, his eyes growing glassy. "Then again, I never thought I would see the day Arthur was dead but here we are." Despite the dark nature of that joke, Gwen couldn't help but let out a laugh at it. Arthur really had seemed immortal most of the time though that was probably because of Merlin
"Merlin did as much as he could for him." "Sometimes I wish he hadn't." Is what she didn't say even though it stayed on the tip of her tongue. That was something no one would like to hear, the queen wishing that the king hadn't been that well protected? That would certainly stir up drama.
"He shouldn't have." Gwaine muttered and Gwen's eyes widened in surprise. Seems like she wasn't alone in her opinions then.
"Careful, you shouldn't let that fall on the wrong ears." Gwen said teasingly, finally feeling the weight in her chest lightening as Gwaine's eyes twinkled with mirth.
"This whole conversation is basically treason, anyway." Gwaine waved off her concern with that and Gwen figured she couldn't argue with that. She hoped she could change that soon.
"I want him back, Gwaine." Gwen admitted quietly, a lump forming in her throat. She really just wanted her best friend back ; Gwen couldn't keep losing people and she especially couldn't lose Merlin.
"Then let's go get him." Gwaine said, his brow raised at her as if to say "well?"
Gwen scoffed. "You are in no fit shape to leave and I have a whole kingdom's responsibilities."
Gwaine pursed his lips, seeming disgruntled. He seemed offended by her statement but they both knew she was right, no matter how frustrating it was.
"Then let's get someone else." Gwaine suggested and immediately smartened up.
Gwen almost fell from her chair because of laughing.
" Who?You think Gaius is up for a journey like that?" Gwen wheezed, still a little breathless from laughing.
"No." Gwaine conceded sheepishly. 'But Leon and Percival are." And in that moment, Gwen could have sworn that someone had put out the fire out with how cold the room became.
Perhaps, near death experience tended to make people act crazy because there was no way Gwaine would have said that, if he was of sane mind. They couldn't just go around telling Merlin's secret just because they wanted him back. Especially since it would only make him want to come back less. She didn't know how Gwaine had even entertained such an idea.
"And what reason would we give them?" Gwen asked him coolly and her voice surprisingly level despite how incredulous she felt.
"The truth." Gwaine said, shrugging. Shrugging as if he hadn't just suggested something completely terrible.
"Gwaine-" Gwen wanted nothing more to strangle him in the moment but was interrupted by him slamming his hands down on the table.
"He's gone, Gwen!" Gwaine shouted at her, sounding more than a little desperate and angry. " He's gone, so do we value him more or his secrets?
"We can't betray his trust like that." Gwen admonished. She wanted him back too but this wasn't the way.
"it's Leon and Percival. They'll understand." Gwaine seemed close to begging now, eyes mistening over and some of her resolve started to weaken.
"They could want to kill him." Gwen's voice was quieter than even a whisper, as if she said it louder it might somehow be even more frightening.
"It's Merlin." Gwaine said as if that was all the explanation that was needed.Gwen would have said it wasn't if that hadn't been the exact thing that convinced her.
"Still. Leon, his loyalty is to Camelot first." Gwen reminded him, the words against her childhood friend tasting like poison on her tongue.
"And Merlin is the sorcerer who protected Camelot in that battle and alot more, is he not?" Gwaine countered, tone filled to the brim with conviction.
Could it really work? Was it really that easy to get him back? Of course, there was no guarantee he would come back but could they have a shot at even trying? Merlin wasn't one to hold grudges after all so maybe he would come back. They could bring magic back to Camelot together, hand in hand with each other.
"Fine." Gwen huffed and finally admitting defeat. Gwaine let out a shout of triumph and Gwen felt her lips twitch up. "Go get them."
Gwaine laughed in joy and gave her a quick hug before rushing out of the room.
She could have her best friend back.Things could go back to almost normal again.
"Or you could have just thrown his life in danger simply for your own selfish desires." A small voice in the back of her head whispered which reminded her once again just how much she was putting on risk here.
God, she shouldn't feel so hesitant about trusting the people close to her but she did. They could do something incredibly stupid and she would have no way to stop them before it happened. How could she live with the knowledge that Merlin's blood could be on her hands if it didn't turn out well?
Gwen exhaled loudly, rolling her shoulders to get some of the tension out and burying her face in her arms. She could really really badly use a rest right about now, clearly she wasn't doing anything but thinking herself into circles.
She must have, thankfully, dozed off because she was woken up by Leon's gentle shaking of her shoulder. Gwen smiled sleepily at the fair haired knight which he gladly returned.
"Why am I hearing rumors of you and a magical lover?" Leon asked, sounding completely and utterly done with life which for him was normal.
Oh, for fuck's sake. She should have guessed that would have been the rumor to spread.
"I suppose a servant must have seen her leaving my chambers last night." Gwen said completely stoically, watching in amusement as Leon's face seemed to go through various stages of grief in just a few seconds. Years later yet it was still just as easy to mess with him; That was something Gwen could always count on.
"Gwen, don't be silly." Gwaine admonished her making them all turn to him in surprise though his next words completely changed it. "The rumor is most famous with the courtiers so it must have been one of them. Plus,since they're sure it's a magical one they must have seen her doing some magic."
Leon muttered something about how they were completely insufferable while Percival stifled a laugh but decided to not add anything more to Leon's misery. Gwen however had no such reservations.
"Well, she did have this nifty spell to just bring me to-"
"ENOUGH." Leon roared, spreading his arms as if that would help him ward off her words though Gwen noticed a little smile on his face too.Good, they could all use a little amusement at this time.
"Come on now Leon, don't be such a prude." Percival chided, seeming to have finally decided to join the chaos that was making Leon suffer.
"You lot are the worst." Leon rubbed his temple and shot them all glares.
"I don't think that's quite an appropriate way to speak to your queen." Gwen teased him.
"The queen is a little shit." Leon stated and smiled sardonically.
"I challenge you to say that in front of the nobles." Gwaine snorted, leaning forward to poke Leon's shoulder.
"I'll pass."
"I'm assuming there's a reason we were urgently called here?" Percival suddenly piped up, reminding her of what all this was really about.
"Right." Gwen cleared her throat while gathering her courage for the next part. "Merlin left."
Leon's and Percival's surprised shouts rang in her ears and echoed in the room.
"But why? I mean, I know it's been a difficult time but why would he just leave? And for that matter where did he go?" Leon in particular seemed completely distraught by this knowledge, spouting of question after question. He seemed to be wanting to jump out of his seat and going to find Merlin, the hand Percival laid on his arm seeming to be the only thing keeping him back.
"He has," Gwen began but found herself unable to say the last word. She had gotten this far yet one word seemed as difficult as climbing a mountain to her. It was just one word, logically she knew that but it was also the word that could change everything.
"Magic." Gwaine finished for her, his voice cutting through the tense air making them all once again turn to him, this time in incredulity rather than in surprise.
Everything was completely silent in the room. Gwaine's words seemed to settle over them like a thick blanket of tension. Gwen was surprised he had been courageous enough to say it while Leon and Percival seemed to have gone in shock.
It was Leon's incredulous laughter that finally broke the silence, Gwen wondered if they had managed to finally break Leon. "Come off it, Gwaine. Merlin? A sorcerer? That's just utter nonsense." Leon choked out,staring in amusement at Gwaine. Well, this was going to be harder than she thought.
"It's s true." Gwen bit her lip worry as Leon's laughter disappiated and Percival started to stare at her. Hopefully, both of them would refrain from making any rash decisions.Gwen couldn't bear if she had unwittingly put Merlin in danger.
"H-how?" Percival stammered out still looking as if someone had hit him with a mace.
"He was born with it. He's the gr-no, he's literally the embodiment of magic itself. He's been protecting Camelot and Arthur since he got here. I don't think any of us would be here if it wasn't for him." Gwen wrung her hands and gazed nervously at both of her knights. Her friends. Her brothers.
"Well, I didn't know that." Gwen made a mental note to ask Gwaine later how he found out.
"So what? You want us to hunt him down?" Leon asked hoarsely and Gwen opened her mouth to refuse but Percival beat her to it.
"Absolutely not." Percival eyes were flashing in anger and determination."I'm not murdering one of my friends." Percival told them all firmly, and his usually warm eyes hardened into ice. He had never sounded so cold and Gwen hated that they thought she would betray her best friend like that.
"I don't want anyone to hunt him down." Gwen assured them already feeling a headache coming on. "I just…." "I just wish he was here. I just want him to come back. I just want him brought back to me, so I can see him again." "I just want you two to find him and ask if he would like to come back." She finally decided on, eyes set on the two knights to gauge their reaction. Percival looked relieved but Leon seemed pensive which made Gwen's heart beat faster in fear.
"He didn't do anything harming to you before he left, right?" Leon questioned while his eyes checked her for any injuries.
Merlin's last words started to echo in her mind again with Leon's inquiry.
"Then you are nothing to me."
"No." Gwen lied and gave a false laugh to brush off Leon's concern. "It was just a fight."
Leon nodded, a beaming smile lighting up as he features as he got up. "We have a mission from our queen to complete then." Leon told to Percival who immediately got up to follow Leon out the room.
"OI! Don't go before showing us your two ugly mugs again." Gwaine called after them, some of his old self returning. Gwen was relieved by that; Maybe slowly they were beginning to heal the cracks left behind. Maybe all that had been needed was for them to be truthful with each other.
"I'm sure you have alot of questions." Gwen turned to Gwaine as an invitation to begin his interrogation.
"I could fill a book with them." Gwaine informed her lightly. "But." He got to his feet, turning towards the doors. "That is for later. Right now, I think we both need to rest." Gwaine smiled kindly at her and now that the anger and tension had disappeared from him somewhat Gwen could see the tiredness settling on him like a heavy coat.
"Some of us don't have the luxury to just laze off." Gwen teased.
"Why not? Is that not what Arthur did most of the time?" Gwaine muttered, eliciting an outraged cry from Gwen.
"GWAINE."
"I'm joking, I'm joking." Hands held up in a placating gesture and Gwaine was laughing as he stared upon her annoyed face. "But seriously, Gwen the castle won't go to shit if you take some rest." He chided her, all the light-heartedness now gone from his voice. "You can't very well run a kingdom when you're half dead, can you?" Gwen hated to admit it but he was probably right. She felt and probably looked like complete shit. Maybe it was good to take some rest after the events that had just taken place
"Fine. I'll sleep." Gwen huffed, not knowing whether to smack or hug Gwaine when he smiled victoriously. Before she could make up her mind however he had already run off.
Gwen ordered a passing servant to tell Casey to cancel all her duties for today before finally making her way to her bed. The sun hadn't even begun to descend but Gwen already felt bone deep tired.
It would have been a restful sleep if it wasn't haunted by the memory of her fight with Merlin but this time she was actively trying to stop him. As if stopping him in the dream would mean he would come back in reality. It never seemed to work.
This time, Gwen was running after him but somehow it seemed to make no difference. In a desperate last attempt, Gwen shouted after him-
"Don't walk away from me."
-And woke up heaving, tear tracks sticking to her cheeks and fists clenching the bed sheets as she sat up.
He had walked away from her.
Notes:
Just a reminder, people say alot of things they regret or don't mean in arguments. That's exactly what happened with Mergwen. And Merlin's reaction fits his post finale mindset to me, so I want no bashing of Gwen or Merlin here. Anyway, have a good day and feel free to leave kudos if you want to. Constructive criticism is definitely welcome!
Anonbooklover on Chapter 1 Sun 19 Dec 2021 03:17PM UTC
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Justaconfusedhuman on Chapter 1 Mon 20 Dec 2021 12:38PM UTC
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