Chapter Text
Friday: 5:30pm, on the curb at Chapel Hill High School.
Chip stood in front of me, smiling a big, dazzling smile. His feet were planted on the sidewalk in front of the school, his hands were in the front pocket of his sweatshirt. It was just us. Our backpacks were on the ground. Neither of us were ready to go home yet. We had been in the library after school because we both needed to check out books for class and the librarians had finally kicked us out. The sun was low in the sky, and the air smelled like rain, but I didn’t want to leave and I could tell that he didn’t want to leave yet, either. Mending our friendship since Homecoming, once we had talked after the last soccer game- that had not been hard at all. Being with Chip at school ever since our make-up talk had been smooth, but we hadn’t really talked about "us" yet, but now it was the Friday before quarter finals week. I had asked Chip to slow down and wait for me after he confessed that he liked me, when he told me he thought I was beautiful (what!), because I wasn’t ready to jump into a relationship yet. Breaking up with Landon had left me feeling raw, and I also needed to sort out my feelings about Chip. But every time we were together, I realized that there was no way that we were just good friends. Whenever I thought about Chip, thought about us, I became more and more excited AND kind of anxious about what that might mean. My stomach seriously did that "swoop" thing when he was near me. I’d see him down the hall and my heart would start to beat more quickly. He’d smile at me, and hold my eyes with his gaze. I would just stare right back. In class, I’d had to put my head down on my desk more than once when I thought about him- slow down my breathing so I didn’t pass out. I felt dizzy from just being around him. When we stood near each other in the halls, I felt heat from him radiate towards me. When our knees touched in the library while we studied today, I started blushing. Right now, standing four feet away, I felt sparks between us. Why couldn’t I just be chill about it? We were also friends, right?
Chip opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again. “Uhhhh.” He looked at me for a moment without saying anything, then closed his eyes with a pained look on his face. “I know I promised I wouldn’t rush it, but I really want to talk to you- about us.” Ok, now I was blushing for real. Chip looked at me, his voice was quieter and lower than usual. “Darius, I really, really like you. I’ve…..liked you for a long time. I mean, I’ve always liked you. Just, not... but.. you know what I mean.”
“I get it.” I smiled at him. “You know I like you, too.”
“I don’t want you to feel pressured at all. I just want to hang out with you, spend time with you. More than anything, I want to be your friend, and be with you. I’m on Team Darius, and I like being part of that team.” He shrugged his shoulders. He looked at me, searching my face. “But I want to know what you’re thinking, and how you feel.”
I realized that now my mouth was open. “I, uh…” I had so many questions about what it would mean for me, for us, if we were together. I also wanted to ask about how he figured out he was queer, since we had never talked about that, and he had never mentioned it before his confession that he liked me. And, how had he figured out that he “liked me”? But I felt it was unfair to ask ALL of those questions at once. When he confessed that he liked me, and that he was queer, it surprised me, because I had only ever seen him date girls at school.
“I just had no idea that you were into me before you told me. I mean...” I took a breath, “I really didn’t know that you could be.” Chip had always seemed one of the many straight guys in my life. Not that I feel that queer people should present themselves a certain way, but Chip did not give off any queer vibes AND when I talked about being gay and liking guys with him, he had never chimed in with “Me, too!”
“It’s just that I never knew you were queer. Not that I think you should have to show it, or tell it. I just mean…I had no clue. I had only seen you with girls.”
Chip shrugged his shoulders again. He looked down at his shoes for a second, but when he looked up at me he smiled. “I’ve known I liked guys for a long time. I figured it out one day... I don’t know. 6th grade? 7th grade?” Wow! “You’re right- I guess I should be more out about it.” He squinted at me.
“No! That’s not what I’m saying at all.” Was my voice squeaking? “I mean, I didn’t mean to say it that way. I don’t think you or anyone else should have to be out- like announcing it to the world.” Should I just say it? “What I'm trying to say is ...... there were times that you probably could have told me that you were queer…but….”
Chip made a pained face and groaned. “I know, Darius. You’re right. I think the problem was I missed the time in our friendship where I could tell you and it wasn’t about letting you know I was available. I mean..” he closed his eyes. “I remember our conversations, and I just didn’t say it when it would have made sense because by then I had a crush on you, and I felt so weird about saying, ‘Hey, I like dudes, too! Maybe I’m a dude you could like?’’ But you’re right, I don’t really share that part of me with most people. You’ve always just seemed so cool about being gay.. So comfortable just letting people know- putting it out there...”
I’ve rarely-to-never been cool about anything. “For me, it’s just easier to let people know. To put it out there. I mean, I think people can figure it out without me saying anything.” He smiled at me and made a face like, Maybe? “But, like, for soccer, I just wanted to get it out there right away. I figured somebody was going to say something during the season, for sure.” Trent for sure, too…but I didn’t say that aloud for this conversation. Too soon. “And then, it might turn really awkward in the locker room... I just wanted to say it and get it over with.”
“Well, it was brave. Cause you’re right- that’s why I don’t tell people at school. I know how I feel and who I’m attracted to, and I’m cool with it, but I think that many people still aren’t… at least, I worry what people might do if they find out. Especially because I’m always on a sports team- every season. Homophobia in sports is real: many sports teams are still seriously not safe spaces for anyone gay, queer, bi, trans. I really think that sports is a big part of why I haven’t been more transparent about being queer. My family knows- they all love me and accept me. My mother and my sisters are fine with it. My dad doesn’t care. Trent knows. It’s the locker room stuff I’ve been scared of.”
“But if we were together...Chip…” I looked at him. He didn’t look away.
“I know. I’m not afraid of that. I’m really not.” He shook his head, “I mean….I’ve told more people. I bet most of the soccer team knows at this point. Jaden and Gabe heard me say that I like you. They told me afterwards that they had our backs and that they would not let anyone bother you or me. I don’t know or care if they told the other guys.” I bit my lip. That was a brave day for Chip. “That wasn’t premeditated- I said it because it was true and I needed to say it, but I was aware who was there. I was ok with saying it in front of those guys- and at that point, I would have said it to the whole team, except you and I weren’t really talking then.” I swallowed hard. That was a really tough time for me. “And, I’ve told a few more friends that I like you.” He swallowed. My face started to flame up. “I have to….I’m going to tell the wrestling team, just announce it, during the next practice.” My mouth dropped open. “The whole wrestling team?” My voice really squeaked this time.
“I know. I have to though.” He reached for my hand. You make me feel brave, Darius. If I like you like that- and if we are together- I need to be who I am. If I make it a big deal, then it’s a big deal. If I just tell people- just a heads up, let them know that they may or may not hear things about me- I think you’re right. It makes it less of a big deal. I didn’t murder anyone- I just like guys.” He let out his breath. “I’m not happy I have to share my sexuality with the whole team. I mean, I wish I could be private. It’s not like totally straight people have to announce it in the locker room.” Though for real some guys in the locker rooms do let people know they’re straight, by talking all sorts of gross stuff about hook-ups- real or imagined- with girls. I nodded at Chip. “I’m not saying I’m not scared to do it. I will be really scared, but I feel like I have to say it.”
My other hand was on my face. Where do I put my hands right now? I wanted to hug him. “Can I hug you? I’m really happy for you and I’m really proud.” Cyprian Cusumano is telling the world that he wants to be with me!
Chip turned on his warp-core smile and closed his eyes. “I would love a hug right now.”
I stepped towards him and wrapped him in my arms. I felt like I was hugging solid rock-hard muscle at first; he did not yield into the hug. I took a deep breath while I put my nose in his hair, breathing in shampoo and fresh air, and sighed. Then, I felt his body give, and lean into me. I felt like he was letting me hold him. I rubbed his back.
He stepped away first, and he looked at me, searching my face for a reaction. “I’m really, really happy for you. And I really like you, Chip”
“Thank you, Darius.” He had tears in his eyes. He stepped away and wiped them. “I mean it, thank you. And I really, really like you. Let me walk you home?”
“Want to take the long way?”
When we finally got to my house, the mist was just heavy enough to feel like the beginning of rain. “Do you want to come in?”
He shook his head, “Another time- I’m already late.” Chip frowned and bit his lip. “Maybe I’ll see you tomorrow?”
The very top of his hair, above the shaved sides, was a mess of curls, covered with a fine layer of mist. The way he looked at me…his eyes looking right into me. I smiled at him, and he beamed at me. Then I looked at his lips. I just had to be brave and take a step. I felt ready to do it. I took his hand and pulled him into my yard, his mouth falling open with surprise. I put my hand on his chest and push-walked him backwards toward my house until he was flush against the siding. No one could see us from the street, or from any window in my house.
“What are we doing?” Chip lifted his arm and touched my shoulder while looking at me. He was breathing quickly. I could feel his heart beating quickly under my hand.
Just do it, Darius! I slowly leaned towards him, he leaned towards me. When our lips finally touched, I heard Chip make a noise. Was that a whimper? Chip moved his head and deepened the kiss. Then I made an embarrassing noise. Chip’s lips were soft. He was so gentle. One of my hands was suddenly in his hair, the other on his hip. I was definitely getting dizzy. He touched my jaw, then wrapped his hand around the back of my head and opened his mouth. We both groaned as our tongues touched. I felt myself tremble on the inside and hoped I wasn’t shaking too hard. Chip’s other arm wrapped around my waist and held me to him. My hands couldn’t stop stroking his back, his side. I felt like I was having a sensory over-load, but in the best way. Was smoke pouring from my ears? I felt hot. Chip pushed into me, and I heard the front door open. I broke away from him, but held onto his hip with one hand. I waited to see who was coming out. My heart was beating so fast.
When I didn’t see or hear anything else, I looked at Chip. He looked dazed. “Chip?” He smiled at me. His eyes were sparkling. He opened his mouth, “Wow!”
I felt the mist start to turn into real rain. It felt like it was steaming when it touched my skin. I still felt warm from kissing him. “Just come in for a little bit!”
“I really want to, but now I’m super late. Can I… see you tomorrow?”
We walked around to the front of my house. I stood on my porch as Chip walked away down the street. He looked back at me and waved. I realized that I was just staring and not moving to go inside. That was some kiss. Inside the house, I helped my mom and sister work on dinner. I woke up a little bit while I was cooking, but my mind kept drifting back to Chip. I barely registered the conversation at dinner.
"Hello, earth to Darius? Don’t you have that job interview tomorrow?” Crap! Yes! I can’t believe I forgot.