Chapter Text
Over the years, Steve had begun to become a special person in Natasha’s life. She trusted him, she cared for him. He was her friend. But her feelings for him were growing much stronger than that, and she had to control them.
It was obvious to everyone, but the two of them continued to not address it and deny their feelings.
But there was a secret Natasha was keeping from Steve, a secret he could never know.
The reason she was so reluctant to try and act on her feelings towards Steve.
She had loved his best friend.
She hadn’t know it was his best friend, she had only realised he was still alive when he was fighting them all and his mask came off.
It was only then she realised it was her James.
She had been told James was dead, that he was killed by Dreykov. That’s what he had told her, she knew she was foolish for believing him.
Her body had froze when she realised who the winter solider was. But he was no longer her James, it was Hydra’s winter solider.
He had no memories, none of her or of Steve. That was clear when he tried to kill her, twice.
She continued to help Steve fight for James back because she knew what he meant to him, but James also meant a lot to her.
He used to be the love of her life, and the only reason she survived the red room was because of him.
He was supposed to train her, to discipline her. But instead, they fell for each other, it lasted almost a year before Dreykov and Hydra found out.
She never saw him again.
The only person who knew about James was Yelena, and it had to stay that way. James didn’t know who she was anymore, he was no longer James.
Despite her secret, she couldn’t help falling for Steve either, she had been his teammate for a long time now, and they had grown into each other’s confidante. Their relationship only progressed from there.
The two of them realised soon after they spend took down hydra together, that they couldn’t hide their feelings for each other.
There was a lot of denial, at first, from them both but somehow they ended up coming back to each other.
They had kissed, at a party Tony had thrown, it wasn’t talked about again and they blamed it on the alcohol.
Then they had kissed again, after a mission had injured Natasha and Steve had been worried for her safety.
After the accords, they had drifted, their opinions on the accords were different and it caused a wedge. When Natasha helped Steve escape with James, she did it because she knew she had to help them both. They both meant a lot to her.
After she had broke them out, she was a fugitive too, and Steve and Natasha parted ways.
They hadn’t spoken in months, although Steve had left her a burner phone to call in case of emergencies.
Natasha has returned home, she had to take down the red room and help her sister. She had to free everyone who was ever trapped by Dreykov.
She had successfully defeated Dreykov and destroyed the red room, with the help of her family. She felt free, it had destroyed her life and any chance of ever being normal. It was also where she met James.
“So, what now?” Yelena asked, as she sipped her vodka.
They had celebrated Dreykov’s defeat in Yelena’s apartment, drinking vodka.
“I don’t know..the avengers are broken, they- I don’t think they’ll ever be back..and Steve- I haven’t spoken to him, in months.” Natasha shrugged, downing the last bit of her vodka.
“Steve? Captain America? You talk about him an awful lot..are you two?” Yelena said, raising her eyebrows with a small smirk.
Natasha furrowed her brows, “No..we- were friends, I mean, I don’t know..we had something..maybe. But- it’s over now..and I can’t be with him anyway.” Natasha said, shaking her head as she poured another drink.
“Why not? If you had a..’thing’, why should it be so complicated?” She asked, as she snatched the vodka and poured herself another.
“Because his best friend..is James.” Natasha said with a sigh.
“James?” Yelena said, widening her eyes. She knew how much her sister had loved James, and how much she had mourned when she had gone.
“But he’s-“
“He’s not- I thought that too. Turns out it’s another lie from Dreykov..he was turned into the winter solider, he killed Tony’s parents and hundreds of others..he was brainwashed. He doesn’t remember me, or anything..thanks to hydra. But he’s still alive..Yelena, that makes anything between me and Steve complicated..and what If one day he did remember? And Steve could never find out..” Natasha said as she downed her vodka.
Yelena widened her eyes, processing what had just been said, “I think..you deserve happiness, sis. Even if that means..you have to take a risk, and..James may never remember..brainwashing isn’t like a serum, there’s no antidote..”
Natasha sighed, “I don’t know, maybe..it’s not worth the pain for anyone.”
“Or maybe it is.” Yelena said, raising a brow. “Your boy drama..is almost as exciting as killing Dreykov.” She added.
—-
After a few more drinks, Natasha was walking back to the b&b she had rented for a couple nights in Russia, she needed something more permanent but she hadn’t known where. Being a fugitive made that more complicated and hard to do so.
As she walked down an alley, she felt a shadow of someone behind her, she cocked out her gun and turned backwards.
“What do you want?” Natasha said firmly.
“Calm down, it’s just me..” Steve said appearing from out the shadow. “Hi, Nat.” He added.